The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #115 - Maz Jobrani

00:00:00.000 Recording.

00:00:01.000 We're broadcasting.

00:00:02.000 Hey, everybody! 0.99

00:00:03.000 I forgot to say, um, let's get going, buckle up, bitches, or anything like that. 1.00

00:00:09.000 Um, the Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. 0.97

00:00:13.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:00:21.000 Miles Giovanni's in the house, ladies and gentlemen. 1.00

00:00:24.000 Fuck yeah, bitches! 1.00

00:00:26.000 The Joe Rogan Experience. 1.00

00:00:28.000 The official music.

00:00:31.000 Because it wouldn't be a podcast.

00:00:33.000 It wouldn't feel like a real show.

00:00:38.000 See now?

00:00:39.000 Boom! 0.99

00:00:40.000 We're in action.

00:00:41.000 See that, Maz Jobrani?

00:00:42.000 It feels a lot more legit right now.

00:00:45.000 It does. 0.99

00:00:45.000 My good pal Maz Jobrani is with us, and we have to talk shit before we get started about the fucking Tascam DR-100. 0.99

00:00:52.000 This is our third one, you dirty bitches. 1.00

00:00:55.000 How about... 1.00

00:00:55.000 Okay, Tascam MP3 recorder people, get your fucking shit together. 1.00

00:00:59.000 How about... 1.00

00:01:00.000 Askam.

00:01:01.000 That's how bad they are.

00:01:02.000 Yes.

00:01:02.000 Look, there you go.

00:01:03.000 There you go.

00:01:04.000 Not Tascam.

00:01:06.000 Askam, says Maz Jobrani.

00:01:07.000 It gets all these great reviews, and honestly, it makes some great sound.

00:01:10.000 It sounds awesome.

00:01:11.000 It's an excellent piece of kit, as it were. 0.98

00:01:14.000 But unfortunately, it fucking breaks all the time. 0.98

00:01:17.000 This is our third one. 0.97

00:01:18.000 And no, I don't send it in for warranty, because I ain't got that kind of time.

00:01:21.000 And I'm a fancy man, Maz Jobrani.

00:01:23.000 That's right. 0.99

00:01:24.000 So I just order another one with that one-click shit on Amazon.com. 0.99

00:01:27.000 But this is the third one. 0.99

00:01:28.000 You're like Lex Luthor in Superman.

00:01:30.000 They never wore the same pair of socks two days in a row. 0.84

00:01:32.000 I'm like a black rapper who throws away his white sneakers. 1.00

00:01:34.000 Yeah, motherfucker! 1.00

00:01:35.000 We used to go on the road with Charlie Murphy, and Charlie Murphy used to throw away new sneakers. 1.00

00:01:39.000 He would get a little scuff.

00:01:40.000 He's like, that's it.

00:01:40.000 It's over.

00:01:41.000 It's over.

00:01:42.000 It's over for those sneakers.

00:01:43.000 You're a comedian.

00:01:45.000 You're not playing basketball. 0.99

00:01:46.000 Charlie Murphy, he wears those ridiculous rapper chains. 0.99

00:01:50.000 They're covered in diamonds and bling bling. 0.98

00:01:52.000 And he doesn't wear them all when he goes on stage.

00:01:55.000 He takes them off, and he puts them on his cousin Rich's head.

00:01:57.000 Rich is like his tour manager, and Rich will hold onto the chains.

00:02:00.000 Is that in case he gets shot or something?

00:02:01.000 No, he just doesn't want to bling too hard when he's on stage.

00:02:04.000 He doesn't want to distract from the message.

00:02:06.000 It's really hard for a comedian to be too blingy. 0.94

00:02:08.000 Only black comedians can be blingy. 1.00

00:02:11.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.95

00:02:12.000 Cat Williams can pull it off, because he's got that whole pimp persona thing going on. 1.00

00:02:16.000 But yeah, white guy with a lot of diamonds, like, what the fuck are you doing? 0.99

00:02:20.000 I saw Prince in concert recently. 1.00

00:02:22.000 I saw Prince in concert.

00:02:23.000 It was amazing.

00:02:23.000 The guy's amazing.

00:02:24.000 He's And I was like, a comedian could never dress like Prince and do...

00:02:28.000 You get a certain license to be weird with music.

00:02:33.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:02:33.000 He came out at one point with fur leg warmer thingies.

00:02:39.000 Can you imagine, as a comedian, coming next to the stage, Joe Rogan showing up in fur?

00:02:44.000 Leg warmers.

00:02:45.000 That'd be great.

00:02:46.000 He just pushes it, man. 0.99

00:02:47.000 And chicks fucking love him! 1.00

00:02:49.000 Oh my god, he's ridiculous. 1.00

00:02:51.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:02:51.000 There's something about him that to them is very... 1.00

00:02:55.000 It's weird.

00:02:57.000 He's like 5'3", he's 18 pounds, and he wears women's clothes, but he's sexy. 1.00

00:03:01.000 They want to fuck him. 1.00

00:03:03.000 He owns it. 1.00

00:03:04.000 That's what it is.

00:03:04.000 I was there with my wife.

00:03:06.000 I was like, there's nothing else this guy could do.

00:03:08.000 He's made to do this.

00:03:09.000 It reminds me of a UPS guy.

00:03:12.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:03:12.000 If he shows up...

00:03:14.000 He says, you can't.

00:03:15.000 He owns it.

00:03:16.000 That's what it is.

00:03:17.000 He's a brilliant artist.

00:03:19.000 He is amazing.

00:03:20.000 He's just a weird guy. 0.97

00:03:21.000 I think all brilliant, the really brilliant artists, I'm finding, are all almost completely fucking crazy. 0.97

00:03:27.000 Absolutely. 0.93

00:03:28.000 All the good ones. 0.99

00:03:29.000 Even all the composers, Beethoven, all those guys were all nuts. 1.00

00:03:33.000 They're fucking minds. 1.00

00:03:34.000 You have to be. 1.00

00:03:35.000 Think about it. 0.99

00:03:36.000 There was fucking nothing but axes hitting trees back then. 0.99

00:03:38.000 That was the sound they heard. 0.96

00:03:40.000 And one guy figures out, you know, not really, but, you know, people back then that did figure out how to orchestrate music and how to create music and compose incredible works of music that are still listened to hundreds of years later.

00:03:52.000 Oh, yeah.

00:03:53.000 You know, that's pretty nuts, man. 1.00

00:03:54.000 And we don't even know what his shit really sounded like. 1.00

00:03:57.000 That's the crazy thing. 0.99

00:03:58.000 But also, I was listening to the radio one time, they were talking about, because some of these guys, like autistic people, some of them are like geniuses in one way, and autistic, or they have problems in another way.

00:04:09.000 This one kid, they were saying, autistic, couldn't communicate, he's at home with his mom and dad, they watch some movie that had a Beethoven concerto in it.

00:04:21.000 Just watch it once.

00:04:23.000 The kid's like 12 years old.

00:04:24.000 The mother goes to sleep, middle of the night, wakes up, thinks that the TV's playing it again.

00:04:28.000 The kid's at the piano playing that song from watching it once.

00:04:33.000 He's just learned the song.

00:04:34.000 So these guys are geniuses in one way and crazy in another way.

00:04:38.000 Yeah, we've talked about autistic savants on the podcast a bunch of times before because there's so many really amazing examples of That kind of power. 1.00

00:04:48.000 I bet a lot of famous musicians and composers and geniuses in the past were probably autistic savants. 1.00

00:04:54.000 They just didn't know how to diagnose it.

00:04:55.000 They just considered them geniuses.

00:04:57.000 Yeah, or maybe there's even certain...

00:04:58.000 As you were talking about Prince, there's certain levels of it.

00:05:01.000 You've got the rock star who's...

00:05:04.000 Brilliant and amazing, but he can't remember his address.

00:05:07.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:05:08.000 Like Ozzy Osbourne.

00:05:09.000 Yeah, he needs someone to babysit him.

00:05:11.000 I think a lot of that stuff is that.

00:05:13.000 These guys are...

00:05:15.000 Yeah.

00:05:16.000 Isn't it amazing that music for hundreds and hundreds of years was just written down?

00:05:21.000 Like, you couldn't record it.

00:05:22.000 So, like, composers, like, when they created a piece of work, it's actually, like, writing.

00:05:28.000 Yeah.

00:05:28.000 And that's how, like, this is my work.

00:05:30.000 This is what I've done.

00:05:30.000 I've combined all these notes in a certain way.

00:05:32.000 But you don't even get to listen to them do it.

00:05:34.000 Right.

00:05:35.000 You know?

00:05:35.000 They never got a chance to record anything.

00:05:38.000 We'll never hear Beethoven actually directing any music, you know?

00:05:43.000 Until time travel.

00:05:45.000 Yeah, until time travel.

00:05:46.000 Yeah.

00:05:46.000 But isn't that amazing, though?

00:05:47.000 That for hundreds of years, it was just written down.

00:05:50.000 Yeah.

00:05:50.000 You know?

00:05:52.000 I wonder if it would sound any different, too.

00:05:55.000 Like, I'd be listening to the Beatles when they released the mono version, which was supposedly the superior version, was the mono versions of all the Beatles songs, because they were recorded in mono.

00:06:05.000 And then later, they remastered them in stereo, because stereo was so popular, and that's what you grew up on, was listening to stereo music versions of what was not supposed to be stereo.

00:06:15.000 So people actually like listening to the mono versions now, But I wonder how much of that is people just being like, oh, you should have heard that.

00:06:21.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:06:22.000 People do that all the time.

00:06:23.000 You should, oh, man, the classic.

00:06:24.000 When in reality, it's like HD versus...

00:06:27.000 Well, it's kind of mixed different, too, though.

00:06:30.000 Things that come out in stereo that weren't really necessarily supposed to be out more.

00:06:34.000 So I actually have both versions, and definitely I could see what people are saying.

00:06:39.000 It's more hardcore hitting, and everything seems mixed properly compared to what now some guy in some THX lab is like, No, I think this little jingle over here should be louder. 0.95

00:06:49.000 I think I'm going to have to get into fucking vinyl. 0.99

00:06:52.000 I think I'm going to have to buy a record player and some headphones and listen to what the fuck everybody's saying. 0.99

00:06:56.000 Because when you talk to real audiophiles, they'll tell you that a vinyl LP is the way to go and that you lose something in the sound. 0.99

00:07:04.000 When you go to CD, you lose a quality, a layer.

00:07:07.000 Can you even buy a record player anymore?

00:07:10.000 They're huge now.

00:07:11.000 They actually sell records at Best Buy now.

00:07:13.000 Oh, really?

00:07:13.000 Yeah.

00:07:14.000 The music industry is trying to find a new thing, and one of the things is going retro, going back to vinyl because it sounds better or whatever.

00:07:20.000 And that's all up to debate, in my opinion.

00:07:23.000 How funny is that?

00:07:23.000 You think old TVs will make a comeback?

00:07:25.000 Wouldn't that be funny?

00:07:26.000 If you go in, you're like, this is not HD. Yeah.

00:07:28.000 Well, it seems like they could get away with it with Blu-ray, where they don't have to have compression anymore.

00:07:33.000 You know, they have compression to get it to CD, to digitize it.

00:07:36.000 Like, maybe they could add that quality to it if they stretched it out and made it a larger file.

00:07:40.000 Is that possible?

00:07:40.000 I think they do.

00:07:41.000 Yeah, I think FLAC or whatever that version is, I think that is something that's very close to it, or what people...

00:07:50.000 I'm going to have to talk to some real audio people.

00:07:52.000 So the reason why I even brought it up is somebody on my message board made a post suggesting that I put out my next CD on vinyl.

00:08:00.000 And I'm like, wow, I've never even thought about doing that.

00:08:02.000 That's a weird suggestion.

00:08:04.000 That might be kind of cool, actually.

00:08:05.000 It is a cool idea.

00:08:06.000 It's kind of like, I don't know if you've heard about this, but I guess Stephen Wright is writing a novel on Twitter.

00:08:11.000 Did you hear about this?

00:08:13.000 Did you hear about this?

00:08:14.000 No.

00:08:14.000 He's straight up like, you know, he found out, you know, he took, you know how he's like, I mean, he's known for the shorter jokes, right?

00:08:20.000 So he decided, well, Twitter is about being short, so I'm going to write a novel.

00:08:23.000 So supposedly, he's writing a novel, and you can come in at any point And you might not know what's going on.

00:08:29.000 He doesn't care.

00:08:29.000 He just continues to write a novel.

00:08:31.000 I have to follow him.

00:08:32.000 Is it Stefan or Steve with a V? I think it's with a V, actually.

00:08:36.000 I think it's Steven.

00:08:38.000 But what I'm saying is the same thing.

00:08:40.000 If you bust it out with...

00:08:42.000 Everyone else is coming out with the new...

00:08:44.000 I'm going to put my album out like this, like that.

00:08:46.000 And you bust out with a record vinyl.

00:08:49.000 That might be a way to go.

00:08:50.000 This can't be him.

00:08:50.000 He only has 15,000 followers?

00:08:53.000 I don't know.

00:08:53.000 I'm not sure.

00:08:54.000 Is that real?

00:08:55.000 Yeah, that probably is about right.

00:08:57.000 How can you find out if it's the real deal or not?

00:08:59.000 Well, usually they're verified.

00:09:01.000 I'm verified.

00:09:02.000 Joan Rivers right here says it's verified.

00:09:04.000 Follow Joan Rivers.

00:09:05.000 But Stephen Wright doesn't say verified.

00:09:07.000 I'm going to take a chance and follow him anyway.

00:09:10.000 Because I think a lot of those old school guys like Stephen Wright are probably just now embracing technology.

00:09:15.000 So that might be a real number.

00:09:17.000 He might really only have seven.

00:09:18.000 We could re-release your website in bitmaps.

00:09:20.000 What is bitmaps?

00:09:22.000 Instead of JPEGs?

00:09:22.000 We can go...

00:09:23.000 Really?

00:09:24.000 Yeah, vinyl photo compressions.

00:09:26.000 Just go old school with everything.

00:09:27.000 Just crappy with everything.

00:09:28.000 We all go back to like three second video GIFs instead of having you stream.

00:09:33.000 We just have a GIF animation.

00:09:34.000 Oh, he is writing a novel.

00:09:36.000 He's writing a novel, right?

00:09:37.000 Oh, this is hilarious.

00:09:38.000 Yeah?

00:09:39.000 This is hilarious. 1.00

00:09:39.000 He's writing a fucking novel on Twitter. 1.00

00:09:41.000 That's sweet. 1.00

00:09:41.000 How funny is that? 1.00

00:09:42.000 That's just brilliant.

00:09:43.000 I can't wait to follow.

00:09:44.000 I heard that.

00:09:45.000 I was like, that is such a great idea.

00:09:50.000 And he ends TBC on like every post.

00:09:53.000 To be continued.

00:09:54.000 That's hilarious.

00:09:55.000 To be continued.

00:09:55.000 And you get to just follow along with it.

00:09:57.000 This is so strange.

00:09:58.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:09:59.000 But brilliant.

00:10:00.000 Addressing the question.

00:10:01.000 This was extremely tiring for Harold because of his attention with Drift.

00:10:05.000 And for some reason, the abstract speech that his mother was making.

00:10:09.000 Like a toy train, his brain would stay firmly on track, weaving, turning through, to be continued, previously unconnected subjects.

00:10:17.000 Harold had the opposite of ADD. He needed to go some to some school somewhere.

00:10:23.000 Hmm.

00:10:23.000 Some typo.

00:10:24.000 Needed to go some to some school somewhere and learn how to space to be continued.

00:10:28.000 Out.

00:10:31.000 To be continued and then out.

00:10:32.000 Space, to be continued, out.

00:10:33.000 The last dream he had was about a man who invented mirrors.

00:10:37.000 When Harold woke up the next day, all he could remember was that he, to be continued, had a dream. 0.78

00:10:42.000 This is ridiculous.

00:10:44.000 That's hilarious. 0.96

00:10:45.000 This is definitely him.

00:10:46.000 This is definitely him.

00:10:47.000 But this is one of the weirdest things I've ever heard anybody doing.

00:10:49.000 That's funny. 0.98

00:10:49.000 Stephen Wright's a maniac. 0.98

00:10:50.000 How funny is it?

00:10:52.000 You know, he was the guy who single-handedly, his success threw this monkey wrench into the whole Boston comedy scene.

00:10:59.000 There's a great documentary by this guy, Fran Salamita. 0.99

00:11:03.000 Fuck. 0.98

00:11:04.000 I'm going to have to look it up what the name of it is. 0.98

00:11:08.000 Have you ever worked with him before?

00:11:10.000 Yeah, Fran was a comic from Boston. 0.73

00:11:13.000 How did he throw a wrench into the scene?

00:11:15.000 Because he got successful, and when he got successful, everybody kind of freaked out.

00:11:22.000 When stand-up stood out, that's what it's called.

00:11:25.000 Boston was this incredible place where there were so many great, great comedians that were local guys, and they would just work locally constantly.

00:11:32.000 And all of a sudden, Stephen Wright got discovered.

00:11:34.000 And Stephen Wright started doing Letterman and Carson. 1.00

00:11:36.000 And everybody was like, holy shit. 0.98

00:11:38.000 Then he got his HGO special. 0.99

00:11:39.000 And then everybody was like, where's mine?

00:11:41.000 When is this going to happen for me?

00:11:43.000 And it kind of changed the tone of the town.

00:11:45.000 Because it used to be this almost like... 0.99

00:11:48.000 I want to say artist colony, but not so fucking gay. 1.00

00:11:52.000 Right, right, right. 1.00

00:11:53.000 Because they were savages. 1.00

00:11:54.000 They were crazy, coke snorting, weed smoking, whiskey drinking animals. 1.00

00:11:59.000 And they were fucking hilarious. 1.00

00:12:00.000 And they were just doing it to make everybody laugh and to get by and get paid. 0.86

00:12:04.000 But then all of a sudden, the dream sort of appeared in Stephen Wright form. 0.86

00:12:09.000 Stephen Wright all of a sudden became fucking huge and famous and national. 0.94

00:12:13.000 And these guys were like, yeah, Stephen's good, but I'm fucking good too. 0.97

00:12:16.000 Yeah. 0.86

00:12:17.000 And it kind of changed the whole tone of the town.

00:12:19.000 Guys started really working towards deals.

00:12:22.000 It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it became there was a different goal on the horizon.

00:12:27.000 It wasn't just being funny.

00:12:27.000 It's crazy how success can get in the way of art.

00:12:30.000 Yes.

00:12:31.000 And often does.

00:12:32.000 Often does, but doesn't have to.

00:12:33.000 It's all manageable.

00:12:35.000 It's manageable.

00:12:36.000 People say, oh, you sold out. 1.00

00:12:37.000 Shut up, stupid. 1.00

00:12:38.000 You don't even know what you're talking about. 1.00

00:12:39.000 As long as you're still doing good stuff and having fun.

00:12:42.000 Well, I think part of it is, like with you, I know seeing you at the comedy store when I first was starting there, the good thing about you was even when you had a show or anything going, you still kept that mentality of, I've got to get up and create and write, and you continue to do that.

00:12:56.000 And so the idea is you can get out of that quote-unquote artist colony With success, but then you remind yourself, it's like a boxer.

00:13:04.000 I've got to keep training.

00:13:05.000 I think your motivation changes.

00:13:07.000 Your motivation goes from being the motivation of, I'm just trying to make it.

00:13:11.000 I want success.

00:13:12.000 I want to be recognized.

00:13:15.000 You get some success, then you go, okay, now I just want to do good stuff.

00:13:18.000 I just want to have fun.

00:13:19.000 Now my interest is just on the jokes.

00:13:21.000 It's just on creating the new bit.

00:13:22.000 It's just on putting the act together.

00:13:23.000 It actually becomes more fun that way.

00:13:25.000 How exciting is it when you come up with a bit or something, it's as good as getting a big paycheck where you're like, that was cool.

00:13:33.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:13:36.000 You're so excited about it.

00:13:38.000 One of the problems of success is it becomes harder To write newer stuff unless if you put yourself in those lab kind of situations where you're saying, okay, I'm going to work out some new stuff.

00:13:50.000 People come expecting you to always do those killer whatever things.

00:13:56.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:57.000 That's a problem.

00:13:57.000 But you know what?

00:13:58.000 That's fun.

00:13:58.000 It's a fun problem.

00:13:59.000 It's a tester, but it's a fun tester.

00:14:01.000 That's one of the reasons why we like doing that Sal's Comedy Hole because it's real small. 0.94

00:14:05.000 It's like 80 people, and I'll fuck around and not even know what I'm really going to say about something. 0.96

00:14:11.000 And they know that that's what you're doing. 1.00

00:14:13.000 They know that you're fucking around a lot. 0.99

00:14:14.000 And I do most of my real bits, too. 0.99

00:14:16.000 I want to give them solid stand-up, but I also want to use the opportunity to fuck around and stretch out. 0.77

00:14:21.000 I never do a full... 0.98

00:14:23.000 Like a full sacrifice set. 1.00

00:14:26.000 I won't go up there with only new bits and just eat dick. 1.00

00:14:29.000 I don't like doing that, man. 1.00

00:14:31.000 I don't think they like it either.

00:14:33.000 The only time I've recently tried something like that is the Laugh Factory was doing something with Kevin Nealon on Tuesdays.

00:14:39.000 It was known as 7 Minutes of New Material.

00:14:41.000 And then Kevin Nealon comes on stage and sits with you.

00:14:44.000 He's a funny guy.

00:14:45.000 He kind of rips with you and makes fun of the material but also gives you some ideas.

00:14:50.000 And the audience, well, they're supposed to know that that's what they're there for.

00:14:53.000 Half the audience, whenever I go up there, I go, how many of you guys knew you were coming for this?

00:14:56.000 And like two or three people clapped.

00:14:57.000 The rest of them thought it was a real show.

00:14:59.000 But the idea is you're supposed to go up with seven minutes of brand new, like never try.

00:15:05.000 So every time I've gone up there, I've like just gone into my Blackberry and looked at the ideas I've had that I've just put down that I haven't riffed on.

00:15:12.000 I just go up and riff.

00:15:13.000 You never know.

00:15:15.000 And good things come out of it.

00:15:18.000 Gotta take chances, man.

00:15:19.000 Stand-up comedy is one of the most important things about it.

00:15:22.000 Constantly moving.

00:15:23.000 Constantly taking chances.

00:15:25.000 Some new thing comes out in the news.

00:15:26.000 Get on stage that day. 0.99

00:15:28.000 When Anthony Weiner, when the shit went down, I went on stage that night and had 10 new minutes. 0.99

00:15:33.000 Because I was just writing about it all day. 0.99

00:15:35.000 How ridiculous it was. 0.76

00:15:36.000 I was just laughing. 1.00

00:15:37.000 We're living in a fucking Coen Brothers movie. 0.99

00:15:39.000 There's a dude named Weiner... 1.00

00:15:41.000 No, I'm good.

00:15:43.000 It's even out.

00:15:44.000 It's a steady number. 1.00

00:15:45.000 This fucking guy's name is Wiener, and he's taking pictures of his dick and sending it to women. 1.00

00:15:49.000 I mean, it doesn't even seem like it could be real. 1.00

00:15:52.000 I know, it's ridiculous. 0.99

00:15:52.000 If it was a movie, you would go, that's shitty writing. 0.99

00:15:55.000 This is stupid. 1.00

00:15:56.000 Right, yeah, come on, dude. 1.00

00:15:56.000 You gotta give him another name. 1.00

00:15:57.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:15:58.000 It's like whenever these senators get caught doing gay shit. 1.00

00:16:01.000 It's always the same thing with these anti-gay senators that get caught ganging out. 1.00

00:16:05.000 You're like, God damn it, man. 0.99

00:16:06.000 Is it that easy? 0.99

00:16:08.000 This is the solution?

00:16:10.000 This is really what's going on?

00:16:11.000 Well, there's so much of that going on now.

00:16:13.000 I just saw Andrew Cuomo, Mary Cuomo's son.

00:16:18.000 He's now the governor of New York.

00:16:19.000 I think it's Andrew Cuomo.

00:16:21.000 Governor Cuomo was up there talking about...

00:16:24.000 They just showed a clip of him, and I was like...

00:16:26.000 He seems like he's a Cuomo.

00:16:29.000 He seems like he's legit.

00:16:32.000 In the back of my mind, I'm like, I hope he's not banging some lady.

00:16:36.000 If he's a lady, he can live through a lady. 0.99

00:16:39.000 He can live through a lady. 0.99

00:16:43.000 Weiner, we don't know. 0.69

00:16:44.000 I mean, did he actually have sex with him? 0.68

00:16:45.000 No, no sex. 1.00

00:16:46.000 It was just like sending pictures of his penis. 1.00

00:16:47.000 He's just a freak. 1.00

00:16:48.000 He's just a freak. 0.91

00:16:49.000 Yeah, so now he's gone.

00:16:50.000 So what I'm saying is if Governor Cuomo were found to be having an affair, he's done.

00:16:57.000 I mean, you can't.

00:16:58.000 Yes, I agree with you.

00:16:59.000 Yeah, you know, in this day and age, there's really going to be a time real soon where there's no one left to run for office.

00:17:05.000 That's funny. 0.99

00:17:05.000 Everybody's got fucking skeletons. 0.99

00:17:06.000 That's hilarious. 0.99

00:17:07.000 Do you think that Wiener, during that whole week before he stepped down, do you think he was like, please let there be a deadly hurricane?

00:17:14.000 Oh, yeah.

00:17:14.000 Please let there be an earthquake in Africa.

00:17:17.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

00:17:18.000 Well, that's the Gary Condit thing. 0.99

00:17:20.000 Remember when 9-11 happened?

00:17:21.000 You remember Gary Condit and Chandra Levy?

00:17:23.000 Yeah.

00:17:24.000 Chandra Levy was his assistant.

00:17:25.000 She turned out missing.

00:17:26.000 Everybody thought he killed her because he was having an affair with her.

00:17:29.000 There was all this craziness, and then they found her body.

00:17:33.000 But he got off.

00:17:34.000 Everything's fine.

00:17:34.000 Oh, he got off, huh?

00:17:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:35.000 Oh, my God.

00:17:36.000 Yeah, and they apparently connected her murder to a guy who had killed a few women in that area, so it might have actually been legit.

00:17:43.000 It might have been a serial killer. 1.00

00:17:44.000 Oh, shit, okay. 1.00

00:17:44.000 Well, who the fuck knows? 1.00

00:17:45.000 That concept that you had is kind of funny. 0.99

00:17:47.000 You should riff on that about pretty soon there'll be no one left to run.

00:17:50.000 It'll be like the most unsexable people. 0.89

00:17:53.000 Someone no one wants to have any sex with. 0.99

00:17:55.000 You gotta get really ugly, kind of like, you know, just like warty people. 0.99

00:17:59.000 You gotta be someone that no one's attracted to, to run. 0.98

00:18:02.000 Because you're like, well, there's no way anyone had sex with that guy.

00:18:05.000 I think it's going to come down to a point real soon where we have to come to grips with the fact that everybody that wants to be president, anybody that wants to be in control like that, there's some serious sexual weirdness going on with you. 1.00

00:18:17.000 That's some domination shit. 0.99

00:18:18.000 You want to run things. 0.99

00:18:19.000 Yeah.

00:18:19.000 But also with power, I mean, that's part of what comes with it.

00:18:24.000 I mean, what's funny, too, is when that Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the IMF guy...

00:18:29.000 Yes, yeah.

00:18:30.000 For people who don't know, explain the story.

00:18:32.000 Dominique Strauss-Kahn was the president of the IMF, and he's staying at the Sofitel Hotel in a $3,000-a-night suite.

00:18:40.000 He's also supposedly going to be the next possible, possible president of France, so he's being geared up for that. 0.69

00:18:47.000 And so the maid comes in to clean the place, and he shows up naked, and he basically chased her around and tried to rape her or something. 1.00

00:18:54.000 He fucked her mouth. 1.00

00:18:55.000 Did he? 1.00

00:18:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:56.000 Oh my god.

00:18:56.000 So he, so he, whatever, he meant.

00:18:59.000 According to the story, who knows what really happened.

00:19:02.000 But the thing, it was funny, so he's a French dude, and then of course, you know, then he tried to leave the country. 1.00

00:19:07.000 I should say allegedly he fucked her mouth. 1.00

00:19:09.000 Allegedly he fucked her mouth. 1.00

00:19:10.000 I would say allegedly. 1.00

00:19:10.000 Yeah, that's what our sources have told us. 1.00

00:19:13.000 Yeah, the internet.

00:19:14.000 Yeah, the internet.

00:19:15.000 I didn't look into that at all.

00:19:17.000 Yeah.

00:19:19.000 But what's funny is I was reading that some of the French reaction, where they were saying, well, the French aren't that phased by the whole...

00:19:28.000 They expect their politician to be...

00:19:29.000 Oh, if your politician in France isn't banging somebody, then it's weird.

00:19:33.000 Right.

00:19:33.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:19:34.000 You know?

00:19:35.000 Well, you know, there's a thing that we've talked about on this podcast before called toxoplasma.

00:19:40.000 And it's a cat parasite that infects human beings and changes their behavior.

00:19:45.000 And it makes men reckless.

00:19:47.000 Makes men very aggressive and reckless. 1.00

00:19:49.000 Makes them do crazy shit. 0.99

00:19:50.000 And there's a huge population of a high rate of infection, rather, in France. 1.00

00:19:56.000 In France, it's like 80%.

00:19:57.000 Oh, wow.

00:19:58.000 Like 80% of the people are infected by this toxoplasma, as much as 80% in some areas.

00:20:03.000 Jeez.

00:20:03.000 Which is insane.

00:20:04.000 And it's a parasite. 0.99

00:20:05.000 And it's just the men, but it's men and women? 0.96

00:20:07.000 It affects women, but the women, it's tougher to document how it affects women, because they think it makes them more submissive. 1.00

00:20:13.000 But with men, it makes them aggressive. 1.00

00:20:16.000 It makes them jerks. 1.00

00:20:16.000 It makes them really reckless. 1.00

00:20:18.000 That explains a lot.

00:20:19.000 You want to smoke some of it? 1.00

00:20:22.000 Smoke some cat shit, bro. 1.00

00:20:24.000 So that's why pregnant women aren't supposed to touch cat shit. 1.00

00:20:27.000 If they ever tell that to your wife when she was pregnant, don't touch any kitty litter. 1.00

00:20:30.000 Don't ever go near any cats.

00:20:31.000 Oh, wow.

00:20:32.000 That's why, because of this toxoplasma.

00:20:34.000 But a huge percentage of people. 0.99

00:20:35.000 I mean, if this guy has toxo, if he's from France, I mean, he might make him loked out where he just whips his dick out on the maid. 0.99

00:20:41.000 That would be a great plea in court. 0.99

00:20:44.000 Be like, I have toxoplasma, you know?

00:20:48.000 Feel free to use it.

00:20:48.000 I'll be honored if you guys use that.

00:20:50.000 Maybe I possibly had some say in this.

00:20:52.000 The toxoplasma defense.

00:20:55.000 It's very possible.

00:20:56.000 I would like to see this guy tested. 0.99

00:20:57.000 I mean, if he really did do something fucking reckless and crazy. 0.99

00:21:00.000 But I think anybody who wants to be in a position of power like that, a lot of them have sexual things. 0.98

00:21:04.000 Oh, absolutely.

00:21:05.000 Clinton and Kennedy. 1.00

00:21:06.000 Clinton would just whip his dick out on girls. 1.00

00:21:08.000 Crazy is that. 1.00

00:21:09.000 He was the president. 1.00

00:21:10.000 He would just whip his dick out on state troopers and fucking typists and secretaries. 1.00

00:21:15.000 You know what I was thinking? 1.00

00:21:16.000 I was thinking like all these guys, like when you get to that level of power, you should have like...

00:21:19.000 I was thinking you should have like...

00:21:21.000 A counselor that's walking around with you 24-7. 1.00

00:21:24.000 And you're like, hey, I think I'm about to whip out my dick. 0.99

00:21:26.000 And you're like, that's not a good idea. 1.00

00:21:28.000 But what's funny is I realized if it were a dude, the dude eventually would be like, yeah, whip out your dick. 1.00

00:21:34.000 He'd goad him on. 1.00

00:21:35.000 You should totally do that.

00:21:36.000 That'd be awesome. 0.93

00:21:37.000 Or you want to bang the maid? 1.00

00:21:38.000 You should totally bang the maid. 1.00

00:21:39.000 You're the president of IMF. Is it washed? 0.96

00:21:42.000 Yeah.

00:21:42.000 How about Arnold, man?

00:21:43.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:21:44.000 How about that crazy asshole just fucking everyone who's in his house? 1.00

00:21:47.000 How funny is that? 1.00

00:21:49.000 If you're in his house, he fucks you. 1.00

00:21:50.000 That's just the rule. 1.00

00:21:51.000 Yeah, no. 1.00

00:21:52.000 He was fucking her for 10 years, man. 1.00

00:21:54.000 Crazy. 1.00

00:21:54.000 And she was not attracted at all. 1.00

00:21:55.000 No, it didn't matter.

00:21:56.000 I know what, do you have a hard-on and she's cleaning? 1.00

00:21:58.000 He's like, I must do it.

00:22:00.000 He's just bent over. 0.95

00:22:01.000 It's ridiculous. 0.64

00:22:02.000 I jokingly said, maybe he's trying to save money on childcare. 0.99

00:22:05.000 Have a baby with a nanny. 0.98

00:22:07.000 You've got to take care of it.

00:22:08.000 It's free.

00:22:08.000 Yeah.

00:22:11.000 Arnold is probably, when he started banging her, he was so big when he was bodybuilding and everything like that.

00:22:17.000 And there's only one way to do that.

00:22:18.000 You have to be on steroids.

00:22:19.000 You have to be on testosterone. 0.97

00:22:21.000 And Arnold was known, allegedly, for being a guy who would take just fucking massive quantities of everything. 0.85

00:22:28.000 That's why he was so huge. 0.80

00:22:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:30.000 You look at the photos of him back when he was Mr. Olympia, and holy fucking shit! 1.00

00:22:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:35.000 Well, you know, the levels of testosterone that guy must have been taking were probably through the roof, so he probably just would fuck everything. 1.00

00:22:41.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:22:41.000 Neil, may I fuck you? 1.00

00:22:43.000 Just everything. 1.00

00:22:44.000 Doesn't that lower your sex drive, or supposedly, like, makes your penis small? 0.99

00:22:48.000 What happens with- It lowers your body's natural production of testosterone, because if you inject a bunch of testosterone in your body and you bring it over a certain baseline, When your body's like, what the fuck is all this test doing around here? 1.00

00:23:00.000 So your body says, we don't have to use the balls. 1.00

00:23:02.000 Shut the balls down. 1.00

00:23:02.000 So your body shuts the balls down because you're squirting into your body ten times the natural level of testosterone so you can get a 30-inch fucking arms. 1.00

00:23:11.000 When you see guys like that and you watch them pose, you ever see them pose? 1.00

00:23:14.000 They have the tiniest balls you've ever seen in your life. 1.00

00:23:18.000 I would be terrified if my balls were that small. 0.99

00:23:21.000 If you see those dudes in those little banana hammocks, their balls are non-existent. 1.00

00:23:26.000 It's like their balls wither away. 0.99

00:23:27.000 I would love it. 1.00

00:23:28.000 I hate my balls. 0.99

00:23:31.000 I don't want anything. 1.00

00:23:32.000 Do you have extremely huge balls? 1.00

00:23:34.000 They're just fucking gross things that are hanging from my awesome dick. 1.00

00:23:39.000 I'd rather have two small little cute ball things attached to it than these big droopy old man throats. 1.00

00:23:45.000 I don't know what the fuck they look like. 1.00

00:23:46.000 Old man throat balls? 1.00

00:23:47.000 I have pretty average sized balls. 1.00

00:23:49.000 I don't have big balls. 0.99

00:23:51.000 I just hate them. 1.00

00:23:52.000 Maybe you had elephant balls and you were like, I gotta get rid of these elephant balls. 1.00

00:23:56.000 I'm happy with my balls. 1.00

00:23:57.000 I'm cool. 1.00

00:23:58.000 Scratching your balls is the best feeling in the world, man. 1.00

00:23:59.000 I used to think my balls were big until I saw Ari's balls and Joey Diaz's balls. 1.00

00:24:03.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:24:04.000 And I'm like, yeah, my balls are not that big. 1.00

00:24:05.000 Those balls are ridiculous. 1.00

00:24:07.000 Joey Diaz has huge balls, but Ari's has one that they're trying to escape his body balls. 1.00

00:24:11.000 They look like worms almost. 0.99

00:24:12.000 Well, they sag way lower than they're supposed to.

00:24:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:24:16.000 When Ari pulls his balls out, you're like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:24:18.000 You need to go to a doctor, dude! 1.00

00:24:19.000 Go to a doctor!

00:24:21.000 One ball is old and sagging. 0.99

00:24:22.000 Joey's balls look like they belong on Joey. 0.89

00:24:24.000 Joey does. 0.99

00:24:25.000 Everything about him is a cartoon.

00:24:26.000 Cuban egg roll. 1.00

00:24:27.000 Yeah, so of course his balls look like softballs on an old lady's pantyhose. 0.99

00:24:31.000 That's what he looks like you would have. 1.00

00:24:34.000 His big giant ball. 1.00

00:24:35.000 One ball like a fucking speed bag. 1.00

00:24:38.000 This is... 1.00

00:24:40.000 Joey Diaz is a classic.

00:24:41.000 He's a human like no other.

00:24:44.000 There's very few Joey Diazes out there roaming the planet. 1.00

00:24:47.000 Every time I see him, I'm like, why isn't there just a show just following him around?

00:24:50.000 I know, right?

00:24:51.000 The things he says.

00:24:52.000 Just this weekend I was with him, and we're in the van going from the hotel, two blocks, going from the hotel to the venue.

00:24:58.000 Some people cross on the street in front of him. 1.00

00:25:00.000 Everyone else kind of sit and Joey just, hurry up you cocksucker, I'm going to take my fucking cock! 1.00

00:25:05.000 He starts going and he riffs and the funniest formation of words come together. 1.00

00:25:11.000 And everyone's just cracking up.

00:25:13.000 I would like to see the things that we don't know about Joey.

00:25:16.000 There's points where he just sings really long opera songs.

00:25:20.000 He's got nine cats, man.

00:25:22.000 He's a 50-year-old man.

00:25:24.000 He probably has the most toxic plasma ever.

00:25:25.000 Oh, ever.

00:25:26.000 He's got all four.

00:25:27.000 There's like three forms of toxic plasma.

00:25:29.000 He's got all three forms.

00:25:30.000 He's got it all. 1.00

00:25:31.000 He's got fucking eight cats, nine cats in his house. 1.00

00:25:34.000 Didn't he just get a new one? 1.00

00:25:35.000 He got a new cat recently.

00:25:35.000 I think he's got 11 now.

00:25:36.000 I'm pretty sure it's 11 now.

00:25:38.000 In like a two-bedroom apartment.

00:25:40.000 Eleven cats.

00:25:41.000 Wow. 1.00

00:25:41.000 Dude, I got a big house and I have two cats and they drive me nuts, these little motherfuckers. 1.00

00:25:45.000 Shitting all over the place. 1.00

00:25:46.000 It's annoying, man. 1.00

00:25:47.000 My office smells like cat shit all the time. 0.99

00:25:49.000 I always gotta clean that. 1.00

00:25:51.000 It smells like cat shit because they just take stinky dumps in there. 1.00

00:25:53.000 And it's gross. 1.00

00:25:54.000 I gotta clean it out and fucking... 1.00

00:25:56.000 And then they take a shit an hour later. 1.00

00:25:58.000 Like, you motherfucker. 1.00

00:25:59.000 I hate it so much. 1.00

00:26:00.000 Stinking up my fucking house gets gross, right? 1.00

00:26:01.000 I hate it. 0.99

00:26:02.000 My place is so small, and so I have to have it in the kitchen, so I'm like cooking last night, and I just... 1.00

00:26:06.000 My cat takes a shit, and then it's like, you know, fucking food mixed with shit, and they just spray it, and then now it smells like a lemon forest full of shit. 0.99

00:26:15.000 And they don't have, like, because we don't... 1.00

00:26:16.000 I don't have...

00:26:16.000 I'm allergic to cats, so we don't have...

00:26:18.000 But we have a neighborhood cat, and they always go in our backyard...

00:26:21.000 And piss. 1.00

00:26:22.000 And they shit. 1.00

00:26:22.000 No, they shit. 1.00

00:26:23.000 And I never knew... 1.00

00:26:24.000 I never had cats, so I thought cat shit was like little, like, bunny shit. 1.00

00:26:27.000 No. 1.00

00:26:28.000 It's like serious shit. 1.00

00:26:29.000 I'm constantly like, what dog was here? 1.00

00:26:31.000 And my cat has this thing where they pee on certain sides of the litter box.

00:26:36.000 My cat pees right in front of the opening, so it has to put its butt right out the door of the litter box. 0.99

00:26:43.000 And he had shit the other day and just sprayed my wall with shit. 1.00

00:26:46.000 Oh, God. 1.00

00:26:48.000 They're such dirty little animals. 0.66

00:26:49.000 And you know, when you let them out in the wild, that's when you've got to be worried about toxoplasma. 0.95

00:26:53.000 That's when they catch it.

00:26:54.000 They catch it from rats.

00:26:56.000 Out in the wild.

00:26:57.000 So, you know, it'll become dangerous. 1.00

00:26:59.000 It can fuck with you. 1.00

00:27:00.000 And it's very dangerous for little children. 1.00

00:27:02.000 Very dangerous for babies and shit like that. 1.00

00:27:04.000 Their immune system's not ready for it. 0.99

00:27:05.000 Oh, really?

00:27:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:06.000 Creepy fucking cats. 1.00

00:27:08.000 Creepy cats. 1.00

00:27:09.000 And dogs aren't even better, man. 0.99

00:27:10.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:27:12.000 My dog lately's been digging up shit and then hiding bones in there and putting it like just cartoon style, like digging holes. 0.99

00:27:19.000 And it got in a fight with like a possum the other day or something like that. 0.99

00:27:22.000 Oh, my God.

00:27:22.000 And I don't know what it had.

00:27:24.000 It looked like maybe a baby of some kind all chewed up and brought it into the house and just left it right on these pee pads that we had.

00:27:32.000 So it's like a baby possum? 1.00

00:27:33.000 I don't know what the fuck it was. 1.00

00:27:34.000 Your dog is so tiny. 1.00

00:27:36.000 If your dog killed something, it's got to be little as fuck. 1.00

00:27:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:40.000 What does your dog weigh?

00:27:40.000 Like five pounds or something?

00:27:42.000 Eight pounds.

00:27:43.000 Yeah, she's so small.

00:27:44.000 How could she kill anything?

00:27:45.000 What can she kill? 1.00

00:27:46.000 I think it was probably dead already, but she decided to eat it. 0.72

00:27:50.000 It was nasty.

00:27:51.000 But she brought it in and laid it on the pee pad like she thought it was poop, so that's kind of cool. 0.99

00:27:55.000 But still, it's like I don't want dead corpses and fucking shit on my walls while I'm cooking. 1.00

00:28:00.000 That's horrible. 1.00

00:28:01.000 Yeah, but you can keep the dog outside. 0.84

00:28:02.000 Well, not that dog.

00:28:03.000 You can't. 0.99

00:28:03.000 A hawk will come and swap that sucker up. 0.99

00:28:05.000 Yeah, what if I were to buy a huge dog house or make a dog house that was big enough, you know, to, like, let the dog stay in there forever? 0.98

00:28:13.000 Yeah.

00:28:14.000 No.

00:28:14.000 Listen, man, that dog needs people.

00:28:16.000 You've got a dog that needs a lot of human attention.

00:28:19.000 You can't do that.

00:28:20.000 You can't leave her outside.

00:28:21.000 She'll go crazy. 1.00

00:28:21.000 We've never been dog people or animals. 1.00

00:28:24.000 I never had animals.

00:28:25.000 My kid loves dogs, and we thought about for a minute getting one, but then I realized I'd have to take care of the dog because my kid's three years old.

00:28:33.000 He's not going to do it.

00:28:34.000 Yeah, kids will tell you, oh, I love dogs.

00:28:36.000 I'm definitely going to take care of it, Dad. 1.00

00:28:38.000 Next thing you know, you're walking that fucking thing every day. 0.99

00:28:40.000 My boy has like, he is just fearless. 0.99

00:28:43.000 He'll go up to any dog.

00:28:44.000 Like when he was like one and a half, we went to some family friends.

00:28:47.000 They had like a Rottweiler, big, scary looking.

00:28:50.000 And he was up there trying to kiss him.

00:28:51.000 We're like, no, no, no.

00:28:52.000 But he goes for it.

00:28:54.000 I don't trust dogs with babies because they get confused and they think babies are dogs.

00:28:58.000 Oh my God.

00:28:59.000 That's the problem.

00:29:00.000 They don't associate that with being a person.

00:29:02.000 So they'll check a baby just to let a baby know. 0.65

00:29:05.000 Check a baby like they would check a dog. 1.00

00:29:07.000 Don't fuck in my territory. 1.00

00:29:09.000 I've seen dogs do that before. 1.00

00:29:10.000 It's scary.

00:29:11.000 Have you ever eaten at that place Toast on 3rd over there?

00:29:15.000 Near West Hollywood?

00:29:16.000 Good place, good food.

00:29:17.000 We were going with a friend of mine to go sit down one time.

00:29:20.000 We're about to sit and there's this girl, a 5-year-old girl.

00:29:24.000 Cute little blonde girl, 5-year-old girl.

00:29:26.000 She's got like a little bloody nose going and I was like, oh poor girl fell or something. 1.00

00:29:31.000 And then as we're sitting, we sit next to this dog and the story comes out that she was up there playing and the dog bit at her nose and cut her.

00:29:39.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:29:39.000 And we're like, okay, we don't want to sit next to this dog. 0.71

00:29:41.000 What kind of dog was it?

00:29:42.000 It looked like a regular, it wasn't any kind of like, it wasn't Golden Retriever, but it was like a regular look.

00:29:47.000 Like a mutt.

00:29:48.000 Yeah, it wasn't anything. 1.00

00:29:49.000 And it bit the fucking girl in the face. 1.00

00:29:50.000 It's a girl. 1.00

00:29:51.000 I don't know what she did or what happened.

00:29:53.000 And the dog was still alive?

00:29:54.000 Yeah.

00:29:55.000 Nobody had beaten it to death?

00:29:55.000 Yeah, you would think, right?

00:29:57.000 Yeah, you'd bite a five-year-old baby.

00:29:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:59.000 You fucking cunt dog. 1.00

00:30:01.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:30:01.000 I'll kick you to death. 1.00

00:30:02.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:30:03.000 So I'm always worried with my son, man.

00:30:04.000 Yeah, you gotta be real careful.

00:30:05.000 He goes right up.

00:30:06.000 You gotta always think that a dog will consider your baby to be an animal.

00:30:10.000 Yeah.

00:30:11.000 They don't consider it to be a person, because it's not talking really, and they're real little, and they're high-pitched voice.

00:30:16.000 It's like, this is not the same thing. 0.99

00:30:17.000 I see Miles Jobrani, he can tell me what to do, but this is a little motherfucker trying to tell me what to do. 1.00

00:30:21.000 Bitch! 1.00

00:30:21.000 Fuck him up. 1.00

00:30:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:22.000 Trying to take my food? 1.00

00:30:23.000 Trying to take my dog food, bitch? 1.00

00:30:24.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:30:25.000 I've had the worst week.

00:30:26.000 There's this bird that's outside in my tree.

00:30:28.000 It's like the animal kingdom.

00:30:29.000 You had a cat, a dog, now the bird.

00:30:31.000 There's this bird that, like, I don't know what it is, but every time it gets dark, it goes through, like, 12 different chirp things.

00:30:37.000 Like, it sounds like somebody's breaking into a car.

00:30:40.000 Hilarious.

00:30:40.000 You know, it's just like...

00:30:41.000 And it keeps on doing it the whole entire night.

00:30:45.000 The bird call. 0.74

00:30:46.000 So I'm thinking about, like, poisoning or slingshotting or shooting this bird.

00:30:50.000 I don't know what to do because it's been all night, every day this week.

00:30:54.000 You know how long you'd be out there trying to slingshot this bird?

00:30:56.000 I know.

00:30:56.000 Yeah, you break every window in your neighborhood.

00:30:58.000 I know. 1.00

00:30:58.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:30:59.000 And I bet you got some people who listen to the podcast, too. 1.00

00:31:02.000 You're like, I know where that motherfucker lives. 1.00

00:31:03.000 It was him with that slingshot. 1.00

00:31:05.000 Yeah.

00:31:05.000 It's horrible, though.

00:31:06.000 You need a BB gun.

00:31:07.000 BB guns are pretty accurate.

00:31:08.000 Yeah, I was thinking about it, but I can't even see it.

00:31:10.000 It's just this big tree.

00:31:11.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:31:12.000 That's one of those ideas you get in your head.

00:31:14.000 You're like, I'm going to put an end to this.

00:31:15.000 And then you end up being like Wile E. Coyote or like Elmer Fudd.

00:31:18.000 Yeah.

00:31:18.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:31:20.000 That's how people, like, fall from trees and break their neck and die.

00:31:23.000 Oh, yeah.

00:31:23.000 Because you're trying to kill some bird that tweets outside your window.

00:31:26.000 Oh, yeah.

00:31:26.000 I've had times when, like, I don't know if you guys had, like, the mosquito.

00:31:29.000 The mosquito's the worst thing.

00:31:30.000 You're sleeping, and then you, like, ignore it, ignore it.

00:31:32.000 He keeps coming back. 1.00

00:31:33.000 You're like, fuck it, it's on. 1.00

00:31:34.000 Lights go on. 1.00

00:31:35.000 Now you've got to go around looking for the mosquito against your white wall.

00:31:38.000 Like, he disappears.

00:31:39.000 He reappears. 1.00

00:31:40.000 You're swinging shit. 1.00

00:31:41.000 Yeah, your eyes are trying to focus. 1.00

00:31:42.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

00:31:43.000 Because you've got, like, fucking tears in him from sleeping. 1.00

00:31:45.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:31:45.000 You know, a half hour later, like, fuck it, man. 1.00

00:31:47.000 I'm just kidding. 1.00

00:31:48.000 We don't realize how few bugs we have in California until you go on the East Coast in the summertime and you realize, like, go near a lake.

00:31:56.000 Go on the East Coast near a lake in the summertime. 1.00

00:31:58.000 You're like, motherfucker, this is ridiculous. 0.99

00:32:01.000 But you know how cool lightning bugs was? 1.00

00:32:02.000 I do miss lightning bugs.

00:32:04.000 When you're just going out in your backyard and it's just like this glowing paradise.

00:32:07.000 Yeah.

00:32:07.000 But those are cool.

00:32:08.000 They don't bother you.

00:32:10.000 They just smell gross.

00:32:11.000 But I would say with mosquitoes, they never have... 0.98

00:32:13.000 Mosquitoes know how to fuck up paradise. 0.99

00:32:17.000 Whenever you book a trip, you go down to Mexico, and you're like, oh, babe, this is great. 0.98

00:32:20.000 Here's the beer, here's the tequila, whatever.

00:32:23.000 And like half an hour later, you start getting bit. 1.00

00:32:25.000 You're like, motherfucker! 1.00

00:32:26.000 And every time they show those stupid Corona commercials where the guy throws his cell phone into the water, I'm like, show the fucking mosquitoes, man. 1.00

00:32:34.000 It's never that comfortable. 1.00

00:32:35.000 Yeah, that's one of the good things about Hawaii, too.

00:32:37.000 Not too many bugs in Hawaii.

00:32:38.000 That's true.

00:32:39.000 They really make that trip out to that volcano in the middle of the ocean.

00:32:42.000 Yeah, that's not a bad thing.

00:32:44.000 Not that many bugs, man.

00:32:45.000 But California, as far as no bugs, this is probably as good as it gets anywhere in the country.

00:32:49.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:32:50.000 You go to Florida, Florida's ridiculous. 0.99

00:32:51.000 You might as well be living in the jungle. 0.99

00:32:53.000 Yeah.

00:32:54.000 Just because there's an apartment building doesn't mean it's not the jungle. 0.81

00:32:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:57.000 You got a little pond next door with a fucking alligator in it. 0.99

00:32:59.000 What's that? 1.00

00:33:00.000 You could be living in Gainesville.

00:33:01.000 You could be living in a nice part of town and take a couple blocks, go for a walk.

00:33:06.000 Oh, what's this?

00:33:07.000 A dinosaur. 1.00

00:33:08.000 It's a fucking dinosaur. 1.00

00:33:09.000 A poodle-eating dinosaur. 1.00

00:33:11.000 Yeah.

00:33:11.000 Wandering through the streets.

00:33:12.000 Camino dragon shows up. 1.00

00:33:14.000 Yeah, they're fucking monsters. 0.99

00:33:15.000 And alligators are not that aggressive. 1.00

00:33:16.000 They're not nearly as aggressive as crocodiles.

00:33:18.000 Crocodiles are really dangerous.

00:33:20.000 What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

00:33:21.000 The looks are different.

00:33:22.000 A crocodile, their teeth like stick out of their mouth a little bit and they have a longer snout.

00:33:27.000 Alligators have like a shorter, stubbier, wider snout.

00:33:29.000 But alligators in general are bigger than crocodiles, right?

00:33:32.000 No.

00:33:33.000 Crocodiles, they can get bigger.

00:33:35.000 I think maybe American alligators might be bigger than American crocodiles.

00:33:38.000 But the biggest crocodiles are the biggest of that species, that form.

00:33:44.000 They're so similar, though. 0.92

00:33:45.000 I mean, shit, if you didn't know and you saw an alligator and a crocodile, you would say that's the same thing. 0.99

00:33:49.000 It's like a Mexican and a Guatemalan. 1.00

00:33:51.000 Exactly.

00:33:52.000 Yeah, they don't look much different, man.

00:33:54.000 But apparently they're way more aggressive.

00:33:56.000 Crocodiles are much, much more aggressive.

00:33:58.000 I watched some documentary on alligators and crocodiles, and they have this...

00:34:02.000 Place in, I believe it was in Florida, where they were raising them, and they had all these crocodiles, these alligators, and one crocodile.

00:34:09.000 And the crocodile would run over the top of the alligator's head when they would feed.

00:34:13.000 Jesus. 1.00

00:34:14.000 He would be like, bitch, just stepping over them to get to the food. 1.00

00:34:17.000 Just super, way more aggressive than the alligators. 0.99

00:34:20.000 But in general, you're right.

00:34:21.000 I don't know how people, I mean, once in a while we got mountain lions and stuff.

00:34:26.000 But generally speaking, how much would that suck if you're just hanging out in a crocodile or an alligator shows up in your backyard?

00:34:32.000 Now what do you do? 0.86

00:34:33.000 Well, there was a funny story in Miami about a guy who was running from the law, and in a high-speed chase, ditches his car, wipes his car out, jumps into a fucking river, and wherever he was, or jumped into a lake, the moment he jumped in, he got killed by an alligator. 0.92

00:34:47.000 Oh my God. 0.72

00:34:48.000 He just landed right next to an alligator, and the alligator jacked him right in front of the cops.

00:34:53.000 Oh my God. 1.00

00:34:54.000 I mean, it's a fucking movie, man. 1.00

00:34:55.000 That is hilarious. 1.00

00:34:56.000 It's a fucking movie. 1.00

00:34:56.000 That's so funny. 1.00

00:34:57.000 The guy jumps out of the car, dives into the water, and right away, boom, gets killed.

00:35:02.000 That's hilarious.

00:35:03.000 Yeah.

00:35:04.000 It happens.

00:35:04.000 Those cops are good, man.

00:35:05.000 Yeah.

00:35:06.000 They got alligators working with them. 0.62

00:35:07.000 That's like, I was actually...

00:35:08.000 I read when I... I mentioned the...

00:35:10.000 Is it Kimono?

00:35:11.000 Kimono Dragon, right?

00:35:12.000 Yeah.

00:35:13.000 Some guy I read in the paper, this guy was on a boat or something, or he was surfing, or something happened.

00:35:17.000 I think he was on a boat, and it went shipwrecked.

00:35:19.000 So this poor guy swims to the first...

00:35:26.000 I was like, this poor guy.

00:35:28.000 Can you imagine?

00:35:29.000 It's like a video game.

00:35:30.000 You survived the thing and now you show up and you're like, oh great. 0.85

00:35:33.000 Now if I kill him, what's next? 0.79

00:35:36.000 Did he live? 1.00

00:35:37.000 I think he lived. 1.00

00:35:38.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:35:39.000 There was a guy who was dating Sharon Stone, Sharon Stone's boyfriend. 1.00

00:35:43.000 Oh yeah!

00:35:44.000 He was some newspaper guy or something like that.

00:35:47.000 Apparently he was in a whole room full of Komodo dragons at a zoo.

00:35:51.000 And he had white socks on.

00:35:52.000 And the Komodo dragon mistook his white foot for a rabbit.

00:35:56.000 So it just snapped down on his foot. 1.00

00:35:58.000 The guy's fucking screaming. 1.00

00:36:01.000 And the poison they have in their saliva. 1.00

00:36:03.000 They have botulism and all sorts of horrible bacteria in their saliva.

00:36:07.000 And you get deathly ill from those bites.

00:36:09.000 You have to go on some radical antibiotics immediately.

00:36:13.000 Or you're going to die.

00:36:14.000 Because that's how it kills things.

00:36:16.000 The kimono dragons bite things and then just follow them.

00:36:18.000 Just infect them with their saliva.

00:36:20.000 There's a video of one that kills a water buffalo.

00:36:23.000 And it bites this water buffalo.

00:36:25.000 Just jacks it in the leg.

00:36:26.000 And the water buffalo runs away.

00:36:27.000 And then it slowly follows it for a day while it poisons itself.

00:36:30.000 It slowly gets poisoned from that bite. 1.00

00:36:33.000 It's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:36:34.000 That is ruthless. 1.00

00:36:35.000 Did Sharon Stone's guy die, or he lived?

00:36:37.000 No, he lived, because they were right there.

00:36:39.000 They got the thing off of him.

00:36:40.000 They got it off his foot.

00:36:42.000 But, you know, he almost lost his foot.

00:36:43.000 That is crazy.

00:36:44.000 That stuff is...

00:36:45.000 They're so dangerous. 1.00

00:36:46.000 They're fucking... 1.00

00:36:47.000 They played by a whole different set of rules, son. 1.00

00:36:49.000 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:36:50.000 This is 65 million years ago, these motherfuckers were roaming around. 1.00

00:36:53.000 He's called Son. 0.99

00:36:54.000 Yeah.

00:36:56.000 That's crazy.

00:36:56.000 And animals in general.

00:36:57.000 I was thinking about that lady at SeaWorld that got the whale that just took her.

00:37:01.000 I mean...

00:37:02.000 Can you imagine?

00:37:05.000 It's terrifying.

00:37:06.000 Yeah, you can't talk your way out of it.

00:37:08.000 It's terrifying.

00:37:08.000 And the really terrifying thing about the killer whale thing is that we know that they're smart.

00:37:12.000 We know that they're intelligent. 0.83

00:37:14.000 They're not as smart as us, but they're pretty goddamn close.

00:37:16.000 They can't change their environment like us, and we show there's no evidence of them being able to create things and build items like we can. 0.80

00:37:23.000 But we know they have dialects.

00:37:25.000 We know that they're super intelligent as far as their language, and it varies.

00:37:28.000 From sector to sector.

00:37:29.000 And we also know that they're incredibly attached to their family.

00:37:33.000 And they have this really broad language that we don't even totally understand.

00:37:37.000 So we know that they're these super intense, intelligent animals.

00:37:40.000 And we still lock them up in swimming pools. 1.00

00:37:43.000 We just go, fuck you. 1.00

00:37:45.000 I don't understand what you're saying. 1.00

00:37:46.000 What?

00:37:46.000 What are you saying?

00:37:47.000 Get in there.

00:37:48.000 If that thing was saying, please, I want to be with my mother.

00:37:51.000 Please let me go.

00:37:52.000 You know, if it could actually talk and tell you what they really feel, they would be screaming in agony every night.

00:37:58.000 They stuff them into these little tiny tanks.

00:38:00.000 It's like a refugee camp or something.

00:38:02.000 Yeah.

00:38:02.000 They make them perform, and one of the ways they make them perform is stuffing them into these little tanks at night to punish them.

00:38:08.000 Yeah, and then now they learn to jump so you can edit and people will clap for you.

00:38:11.000 You don't even want people to clap for you. 1.00

00:38:12.000 That's crazy shit. 1.00

00:38:12.000 This whale had killed at least two people, too. 1.00

00:38:14.000 That is crazy.

00:38:15.000 Yeah, he's killed at least two. 1.00

00:38:17.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:38:18.000 He doesn't want to deal with their bullshit, man. 1.00

00:38:20.000 And, you know, he's right. 1.00

00:38:21.000 I see his point. 1.00

00:38:23.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:38:23.000 If aliens came and they were smarter than us and they just couldn't understand us and we're talking to them, we're like, please, we'll get our shit together. 1.00

00:38:29.000 We'll stop polluting the ocean. 1.00

00:38:30.000 Please, don't fucking eat us. 0.99

00:38:32.000 And then they just started eating people. 1.00

00:38:34.000 They're like, I don't understand you, bitch. 1.00

00:38:35.000 So I'm just going to throw you in the zoo, the people zoo. 1.00

00:38:38.000 This guy's like the revolutionary of Wales.

00:38:40.000 He's like the Che Guevara of Wales.

00:38:42.000 He's busting out.

00:38:43.000 He is.

00:38:44.000 He is.

00:38:44.000 I mean, look, I'm on team people 100%, but we should totally rethink SeaWorld.

00:38:49.000 We should totally rethink anything where super intelligent animals like that are entrapped. 0.95

00:38:53.000 You feed them fish.

00:38:55.000 They're depressed.

00:38:55.000 They have to be.

00:38:56.000 There's no way you could be a happy fucking imprisoned dolphin. 0.99

00:39:00.000 I mean, it's pretty entertaining for your kids. 0.99

00:39:02.000 But beyond that, I took my kid to the aquarium at Mandalay Bay.

00:39:08.000 Two and a half of it, he would see the shark, he was just like, shark, shark!

00:39:12.000 He would take my head, I was holding him, he'd take my head and just twist it to wherever the shark was.

00:39:17.000 I was like, they should hire him out at the front and be like, you want a tour from this guy?

00:39:21.000 And he just takes your head, shark, shark!

00:39:22.000 He should be in a commercial.

00:39:24.000 Oh yeah, that would be a great commercial, right?

00:39:25.000 That would be a great commercial.

00:39:27.000 That's different though, that's fish.

00:39:28.000 Yeah, that's true. 1.00

00:39:29.000 Fish can go fuck themselves. 1.00

00:39:30.000 They're stupid. 1.00

00:39:31.000 They don't even take care of their young. 1.00

00:39:33.000 They just jerk off on eggs and then the eggs become babies.

00:39:36.000 I don't care about fish.

00:39:37.000 But dolphins, I know that they can think.

00:39:39.000 Oh, yeah.

00:39:40.000 Can you watch The Cove?

00:39:41.000 Did you see The Cove?

00:39:42.000 No, I didn't see The Cove.

00:39:43.000 It's terrifying.

00:39:44.000 You see the slaughter of Japanese, the Japanese slaughter of those dolphins.

00:39:48.000 It's so hard to watch, man, because you know they're smart. 1.00

00:39:51.000 Dolphins are smart as fuck. 1.00

00:39:52.000 They're like little weird intelligent aliens, almost like little water elves. 0.99

00:39:56.000 Like they're playful little water elves.

00:39:58.000 They're super smart, man.

00:39:59.000 And they seem benign.

00:40:00.000 I mean, I don't know.

00:40:01.000 I'm sure they have both sides, but they seem very benign. 1.00

00:40:03.000 They'll rape you. 1.00

00:40:04.000 They'll rape you, but you know. 1.00

00:40:05.000 They'll throw a rape in on your ass. 1.00

00:40:07.000 I'll try it out once. 1.00

00:40:08.000 Can you imagine that?

00:40:09.000 How do you come back and report?

00:40:11.000 Did you see the video online of a woman getting humped on a dock by a dolphin?

00:40:15.000 Is that legit?

00:40:16.000 Is it a guy? 0.91

00:40:17.000 It's a gay dolphin. 1.00

00:40:18.000 Gay rapist dolphin. 1.00

00:40:20.000 I love it. 1.00

00:40:20.000 It's great. 1.00

00:40:22.000 Yeah, I don't know, man.

00:40:23.000 I think eventually we're going to have to come to the conclusion that zoos are really cruel and inhumane punishment.

00:40:29.000 And those are animal prisons.

00:40:31.000 Oh, you've been to the L.A. Zoo, man?

00:40:33.000 Yeah, I've been to the L.A. Zoo.

00:40:34.000 It's just miserable. 0.97

00:40:35.000 It's horrible. 0.98

00:40:35.000 It's the worst zoo. 0.98

00:40:36.000 Half of it's not even open, so you're just walking by like old ghost parts. 0.99

00:40:40.000 Eddie Bravo fucked up and went to the zoo on mushrooms. 0.99

00:40:43.000 Oh, no. 1.00

00:40:44.000 What an awful.

00:40:45.000 He said it was so sad.

00:40:46.000 He said it was like the saddest day ever.

00:40:49.000 He said all you could do, you feel all the negative, sad energy from these poor animals and people staring at them.

00:40:54.000 And their animals are usually, I mean, they seem like every little display you went to, like the animal was just looking for shade.

00:41:00.000 He didn't want to entertain you.

00:41:02.000 He was just in the corner somewhere looking for shade.

00:41:04.000 And then they had an elephant thing, and it was in the back.

00:41:08.000 We didn't make it.

00:41:09.000 The guy was like, it's a long, long walk.

00:41:11.000 It's so poorly thought out, too, because, look, human beings have a bunch of systems that are put in place to ensure that we breed, to ensure that we succeed in life, to ensure that we...

00:41:20.000 You know, accomplish things.

00:41:22.000 There's all these things that are set up in order for us to live, you know, the human way.

00:41:25.000 Well, for animals, there's all these instincts set up in their minds, too.

00:41:29.000 One of the big ones is to kill things.

00:41:31.000 To kill things to survive. 0.96

00:41:33.000 You know, they get that charge that, I mean, that's what is fun for them.

00:41:37.000 That is what is the joy of life. 0.98

00:41:39.000 I mean, it seems cruel and fucked up, but the joy of life for a lion is to take out a gazelle. 0.98

00:41:43.000 I mean, that's what it is. 0.99

00:41:44.000 That's what it's there for.

00:41:45.000 So if you're going to have real animals and you're going to have them in these locked down environments and pretend that it's good for them and pretend that it's a good environment, you've got to let them kill things, man. 0.92

00:41:56.000 Let them kill things in there. 1.00

00:41:57.000 It's like I went to Kenya once and they have the animal preserve.

00:42:01.000 So you just go in and it's almost like you're going into their turf now to check it out.

00:42:06.000 So they're not caged.

00:42:08.000 But it was actually really interesting.

00:42:09.000 So you go somewhere, and there they are, just doing their natural thing.

00:42:11.000 It was a lot more natural, it seemed.

00:42:13.000 The one thing was we were driving back, and we saw Rhino.

00:42:16.000 And we were in this little...

00:42:17.000 They give us this minivan.

00:42:19.000 Not a minivan.

00:42:19.000 It was this little van, and we had this driver, this Kenyan driver.

00:42:25.000 And he wasn't at all like...

00:42:27.000 He wasn't armed.

00:42:28.000 He didn't seem like he was there to protect us. 0.58

00:42:31.000 Remember the gods must be crazy?

00:42:33.000 Remember the skinny?

00:42:34.000 It seemed like that's the guy that was driving us.

00:42:36.000 There was no defense mechanism.

00:42:39.000 So this guy stops, and there's eight or nine of us, all Westerners, and this rhino is eating.

00:42:45.000 And we're like, look, Rhino, Rhino!

00:42:47.000 And he looks up, and he gives us this look of death.

00:42:51.000 It's almost like you just interrupted Suge Knight in the middle of some business meeting.

00:42:56.000 And we all freaked out.

00:42:58.000 It was an intimidating look.

00:42:59.000 We're like, go, go, go!

00:43:00.000 And the guy's like, like Fred Flintstone-y, get the car going.

00:43:04.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:43:05.000 And our friends were telling us what these guys do.

00:43:07.000 I guess they're colorblind, the rhinos, and they just see something.

00:43:10.000 And if it's disturbing them, they just run.

00:43:13.000 He would have rammed us, and they'll tip you over.

00:43:16.000 And now it's, you know, however it plays out, it plays out.

00:43:20.000 Oh, Jesus. 1.00

00:43:21.000 You all get stomped to death. 1.00

00:43:23.000 Yeah, some shit. 1.00

00:43:24.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:43:24.000 It's pretty crazy. 1.00

00:43:26.000 Dude, rhinos and hippos are two of my number one fears as far as animals go.

00:43:32.000 I say hungry hippos.

00:43:33.000 Hungry, hungry hippos.

00:43:34.000 Hungry, hungry hippos.

00:43:35.000 Hippos, I think, are responsible for more human deaths than any other animal in Africa other than ants.

00:43:41.000 Really?

00:43:41.000 I believe ants are responsible for more human death than any animal in Africa.

00:43:45.000 How do ants kill people? 1.00

00:43:45.000 Oh, shit, dude. 1.00

00:43:46.000 In Africa, they got real problems with giant swarms of poisonous ants. 1.00

00:43:52.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

00:43:53.000 Yeah, army ants and all these different... 1.00

00:43:55.000 There's so many really vicious ants, especially like in the Amazon.

00:43:59.000 There's a thing called...

00:44:01.000 The bullet ants.

00:44:02.000 And they actually use them for coming of age ceremonies where they make these young men stick their hand in these gloves that are filled with these bullet ants.

00:44:11.000 Oh my god.

00:44:12.000 And these bullet ants, it's unbearable pain for like 24 hours for each bite.

00:44:16.000 Like unbearable.

00:44:18.000 Like getting your hands slammed in a car door all day long.

00:44:21.000 That is crazy.

00:44:22.000 Yeah, like insane pain.

00:44:23.000 And that's like the coming of age thing is that if a man can get through this, he can truly be a man.

00:44:27.000 You should get that on Fear Factor.

00:44:28.000 But in Africa, Brian Callan actually was working.

00:44:33.000 When he first got out of college, he wanted to work with insects.

00:44:36.000 And he wanted to study them overseas.

00:44:38.000 And one of the things that scared him off is because he went, I think, to Bornea. 0.99

00:44:42.000 He went to some crazy fucking jungle. 0.99

00:44:43.000 And they had to put turpentine. 1.00

00:44:45.000 They all slept on platforms.

00:44:47.000 And they had to put turpentine all over the legs of the platform. 0.62

00:44:52.000 And they have to be elevated above the floor of the jungle.

00:44:55.000 Because if you leave them on the floor of the jungle and the ants come up, once one ant bites you and sends a signal, there will be millions of ants on you, poisonous ants on you, and you won't be able to stop it.

00:45:08.000 There's nothing you can do.

00:45:09.000 They will eat you alive.

00:45:10.000 Not even from shushing? 0.64

00:45:11.000 They take out elephants.

00:45:12.000 They climb up elephants' legs and they climb in their ears and start eating them alive.

00:45:17.000 Dude, the more I hear...

00:45:18.000 When I hear things like this, the more I realize I just want to go to Four Seasons hotels around the world and just be like...

00:45:25.000 Have the waffles and the breakfast buffet.

00:45:27.000 It's all good, man.

00:45:28.000 I know some people are like, adventures.

00:45:30.000 We're going to go into the jungle.

00:45:32.000 I'm like, you go camping, bro.

00:45:33.000 I'll be at the Four Seasons.

00:45:35.000 Brian said that they poured turpentine all over the legs of this platform that they're sleeping on.

00:45:42.000 They have the hut, and the hut is above the platform.

00:45:44.000 And he said, in the night, you can hear them marching.

00:45:47.000 He said, there's so many ants and they're so terrifying that you can hear them marching.

00:45:51.000 You hear them...

00:45:52.000 That is creepy.

00:45:55.000 You hear millions and millions of ants just waiting to stumble on something.

00:45:59.000 And whatever they stumble on, whether it's...

00:46:01.000 They'll climb up a tree and find some young birds that are stuck in the nest and swarm millions of them.

00:46:08.000 So there's a lot of jungles.

00:46:10.000 The birds will try to put their nests on the highest possible branch.

00:46:14.000 And a lot of it is to avoid ants. 0.91

00:46:16.000 That is ridiculous. 1.00

00:46:17.000 Hands are motherfuckers. 1.00

00:46:18.000 It's funny because when you travel, you realize what you were saying. 1.00

00:46:23.000 It's like the amount of stuff that's going...

00:46:26.000 The difficulty to live in some other places.

00:46:29.000 When I went to Kenya, we went for a wedding.

00:46:31.000 Just to go to Kenya, you got to get like... 1.00

00:46:36.000 Shots for dengue fever, yellow fever, jungle fever, all kinds of fever.

00:46:41.000 Malaria?

00:46:41.000 Yeah, malaria.

00:46:43.000 I was like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:46:44.000 Where are we going? 0.99

00:46:45.000 I was like, I don't know about this.

00:46:47.000 I have yellow fever.

00:46:48.000 You're going to the motherland, baby.

00:46:49.000 You're going to the motherland if we get some jungle fever.

00:46:52.000 That is the motherland, too.

00:46:55.000 That's where it all began.

00:46:56.000 That's where human beings were hatched. 0.98

00:46:59.000 You know, that's pretty crazy that it's still so fucking wild. 0.97

00:47:02.000 It's crazy, right? 0.99

00:47:03.000 When you look at Africa, the continent, like, you ever watch those documentaries on Africa and compare it to any other continent in the world, you're like, what the fuck, man? 0.99

00:47:11.000 You got wildebeest and lions and saltwater crocodiles and fucking great white sharks off the coast of South Africa. 0.99

00:47:19.000 And ants that'll eat you. 1.00

00:47:20.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 0.95

00:47:22.000 No continent is crazier than Africa. 0.95

00:47:24.000 I guess Australia is probably a close... 0.95

00:47:26.000 And don't even get started on the flies.

00:47:27.000 You know how annoying that would be in your eyes, just sitting on your face all the time?

00:47:31.000 Oh, there's so many flies in Africa.

00:47:32.000 Yeah, whenever you see those poor starving kids, it's one of the saddest things about those videos. 1.00

00:47:36.000 Their eyes are covered with flies and shit. 1.00

00:47:39.000 What a fucking crazy place on earth. 1.00

00:47:42.000 I'm obsessed with the Congo, man. 1.00

00:47:44.000 I've got a bunch of documentaries on the Congo.

00:47:46.000 One of the best ones is from the BBC.

00:47:48.000 But one of the most fascinating things about the Congo is there's so many areas of it that people barely get to.

00:47:54.000 Yeah.

00:47:54.000 There's like this.

00:47:55.000 It's unbelievable how fucking dense it is. 0.96

00:47:58.000 And they, in one point in time, Europeans tried to settle it. 1.00

00:48:01.000 They tried to like build these giant mansions and shit. 0.86

00:48:03.000 And some of them are still there like in frame, but they just got swallowed up by the jungle. 0.96

00:48:08.000 But what's crazy is you've got nature, and then you've got rebels fighting each other.

00:48:12.000 So you might survive the ants, but you're going to be taken down by the whatever, the Congonese rebel, whoever, you know?

00:48:19.000 Yeah, there's a lot of problems because they're fighting over resources.

00:48:21.000 There's a lot of minerals in the Congo. 0.78

00:48:23.000 There's a lot of minerals they use to make cell phones and shit like that, and a lot of that is where they harvested out of Congo. 0.99

00:48:27.000 Have you ever performed in South Africa? 0.99

00:48:29.000 Fuck no. 1.00

00:48:30.000 You haven't, huh? 1.00

00:48:30.000 No. 1.00

00:48:31.000 They do festivals.

00:48:32.000 I want to go one more time.

00:48:33.000 Have a good time.

00:48:33.000 No, no.

00:48:34.000 It's supposed to be pretty cool.

00:48:35.000 I'm sure it is, man.

00:48:36.000 No, no, no.

00:48:36.000 I'm tired of traveling, man.

00:48:38.000 I enjoy going to the UK like once a year, but even that is like enough.

00:48:41.000 I go to Australia once a year, enough.

00:48:44.000 No, I hear you.

00:48:44.000 Me too.

00:48:44.000 It's too much.

00:48:45.000 I'm sick of the traveling.

00:48:46.000 I mean, I'd be curious this year, but it's funny because people ask.

00:48:49.000 The fun part of stand-up is actually being on stage and doing a show.

00:48:53.000 Yeah.

00:48:53.000 And I'd rather just drive up the block to Sunset.

00:48:56.000 Go to Brea, yeah. 0.91

00:48:56.000 Just go and just do it there, then get on a friggin' play. 0.91

00:48:59.000 Well, we're in a great spot, too, because we can work so many places around here.

00:49:02.000 You can go to Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach.

00:49:04.000 You can go to the Ice House.

00:49:05.000 You can go to San Diego.

00:49:07.000 You can go to Irvine.

00:49:09.000 You can go to Bray.

00:49:09.000 You can go to Ontario.

00:49:11.000 You can do all the improvs.

00:49:12.000 And you rotate all these clubs, and after a while, you just start back up on the first one again.

00:49:16.000 It's like 15, 20 weeks later.

00:49:19.000 You're just doing these same clubs over and over again.

00:49:21.000 I won't even perform inside of a South African club.

00:49:27.000 You just claim you can't...

00:49:29.000 I can't help you?

00:49:32.000 South Africa is...

00:49:33.000 I'm sure it's a great place.

00:49:34.000 I like D-Antward. 1.00

00:49:36.000 Yeah.

00:49:36.000 They got good music, but I don't want to go there.

00:49:39.000 I like District 9, too.

00:49:41.000 I was thinking of going...

00:49:42.000 There was an offer to go this summer, and I was thinking...

00:49:46.000 I always say, because I got two young kids now and my wife, so I was like, well, maybe I'll just take everybody with me.

00:49:51.000 Right.

00:49:51.000 And I was like, well, maybe take the nanny, too.

00:49:54.000 To Africa, dude. 0.60

00:49:55.000 Dude, I started doing the math.

00:49:56.000 I'm like, I'm going to be losing a lot of money.

00:49:59.000 Screw it.

00:50:00.000 We're going to stay here.

00:50:01.000 Bring Chevy Chase.

00:50:02.000 You must have a big international following now.

00:50:05.000 Because you...

00:50:06.000 You've really become, like, as far as, like, would you call it the Persian community or the Iranian community?

00:50:12.000 Yeah, it's a little bit, you know, the Persian community is, like, my first probably, it's funny, like, Tripoli one time, Sam Tripoli was like, he's like, you're like the Persian Elvis, otherwise known as Pelvis.

00:50:22.000 That sounds like a Tripoli line.

00:50:24.000 Right, so, you know, that's, like, my, like, you got the Persian Middle Easterners, then you got, like, Arabs, you know, and then after that, like, then, like, you've got, like, NPR types that are into, like, world...

00:50:36.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:50:37.000 NPR types.

00:50:38.000 That's hilarious.

00:50:39.000 Yeah, I'm telling you, man.

00:50:39.000 We love the fact that you're different.

00:50:41.000 Yeah, no.

00:50:42.000 It's actually pretty funny, though.

00:50:43.000 It's actually good to do stand-up in front of people that know the difference between Iran and Iraq.

00:50:48.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:50:49.000 Right. 1.00

00:50:49.000 As opposed to doing it in front of someone who's like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:50:52.000 It's all the same shit. 1.00

00:50:53.000 It's all the same shit. 1.00

00:50:54.000 Just blow it up. 1.00

00:50:55.000 Yeah.

00:50:56.000 So it has become a thing.

00:50:59.000 What happened was in 07, when we were still doing the Acts of Evil, me, Ahmed, and Aaron, we went out to...

00:51:04.000 And this is a tour that you guys were on.

00:51:05.000 The Acts of Evil Comedy.

00:51:07.000 The Acts of Evil Comedy Tour.

00:51:08.000 It actually originally started with Mitzi Shore, who put us together and called it the Arabian Nights.

00:51:12.000 Ah, that's right.

00:51:14.000 This was in 2000. She put it as the Arabian Nights.

00:51:16.000 And Iranians aren't Arabs, so we'd do shows and inevitably Iranians would come up afterwards and be like, it was a good show, but we're not Arabs. 0.91

00:51:23.000 And I was like, I know.

00:51:24.000 And Iranians are very sensitive about that.

00:51:26.000 I actually read a National Geographic article.

00:51:28.000 This journalist went into Iran and said, I was interviewing people.

00:51:31.000 And he goes, I asked people, what do you want the world to know about you?

00:51:35.000 He said, the first thing they would always say is, we're not Arabs.

00:51:38.000 The second thing, we're not terrorists.

00:51:40.000 So I was like, it's better to be a terrorist than an Arab in their mind. 0.99

00:51:42.000 You know, that's kind of... 0.99

00:51:43.000 In America, we know so little about Iran other than the Iran hostage crisis and that you guys are trying to get nuclear power and blow shit up. 1.00

00:51:50.000 Yeah, so you know all the negative shit. 0.99

00:51:52.000 Exactly, exactly. 0.99

00:51:53.000 And then we know about this most recent almost takeover of the government.

00:51:57.000 Yeah, the Green Movement.

00:51:59.000 Because what happened was in 2009, there was elections and there was obviously voter fraud.

00:52:04.000 So then there was protests in the streets.

00:52:06.000 Actually, that was the first time where I had Americans coming up to me going like, Wow, there's so many beautiful women. 1.00

00:52:12.000 Because the protesters, there was a lot of women in them. 1.00

00:52:14.000 And there was dudes in jeans.

00:52:16.000 So people would come up and go like, aren't they supposed to be wearing burqas and turbans?

00:52:20.000 I'm like, no, man.

00:52:23.000 Tehran is an international city, man.

00:52:26.000 Yeah, Iran is much more sophisticated and much more ahead than we've been led on.

00:52:31.000 We've lumped them in with Pakistan and Afghanistan.

00:52:36.000 Afghanistan, I think, is probably the one that's the least developed.

00:52:40.000 But even those countries, they have a lot of Western influences.

00:52:44.000 Especially with technology and stuff now, there's a lot of people that are advanced in these countries.

00:52:48.000 Especially if you're going to a major city...

00:52:50.000 You're going to see hustle and bustle.

00:52:52.000 You're going to see some dude driving a Mercedes-Benz as a multi-millionaire.

00:52:55.000 And then you're going to see some dude pushing a cart who's making five bucks a year or something.

00:52:58.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:52:59.000 Right.

00:52:59.000 So this exists.

00:53:00.000 But I think a lot of people's image of the Middle East is just dudes in turbans and women in burqas.

00:53:06.000 And it's like, first of all, the burqa is pretty exclusive to Afghanistan where they would wear the full thing, the blue thing under the Taliban where they had to cover themselves and they could just barely see out of that little mesh. 0.99

00:53:19.000 I love that shit. 1.00

00:53:20.000 I would love my girlfriend to wear that shit. 1.00

00:53:22.000 It could be kind of sexy. 1.00

00:53:25.000 That's the weakest pimp move of all time.

00:53:28.000 No, no, no, no.

00:53:29.000 Cover everything.

00:53:31.000 Even your nose. 1.00

00:53:32.000 I'll let her cut the tits out or something. 1.00

00:53:34.000 Just have your eyes and tits. 1.00

00:53:35.000 That would be fine. 1.00

00:53:36.000 Just the eyes with stars over the nipples. 0.96

00:53:38.000 Market that online. 0.88

00:53:39.000 See if people would buy it.

00:53:40.000 I think you found your niche.

00:53:41.000 Your niche. 0.99

00:53:44.000 Berka sex clothes. 0.98

00:53:46.000 There was a woman at the mall in Texas. 0.95

00:53:48.000 I was in Texas recently.

00:53:49.000 And there was a woman at the mall that was in full gear. 1.00

00:53:51.000 All you could see was her eyes.

00:53:52.000 Yeah.

00:53:52.000 And I was like, wow, this is crazy.

00:53:54.000 She's really going, you know, she's going fucking biblical. 1.00

00:53:57.000 That's making a fucking statement in Texas. 1.00

00:53:59.000 I think that's hot. 1.00

00:54:00.000 Yeah.

00:54:00.000 Well, actually, we did a show in Saudi Arabia with Ahmed.

00:54:05.000 And, you know, after the show, a lot of people that come to our shows are either, they've either traveled in the West or they're Western educated or they're expats.

00:54:12.000 So after the show, we're taking pictures and all these people coming up.

00:54:15.000 And this one girl came up in one of those. 0.91

00:54:17.000 She was fully covered except for the eyes.

00:54:19.000 And she took a picture with us. 1.00

00:54:20.000 And I was like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:54:21.000 No one's going to... 1.00

00:54:22.000 You can be anybody!

00:54:26.000 It has that superhero vibe, though.

00:54:29.000 You don't know who this person is.

00:54:31.000 You don't know if they're going to take off their burger.

00:54:32.000 And the most beautiful woman in the world.

00:54:34.000 I love that.

00:54:35.000 She's subservient to you, right?

00:54:36.000 You and only you.

00:54:38.000 She washes your feet before she blows you. 1.00

00:54:41.000 It's funny because you've got the burqa, which is Afghanistan, and then you've got the veil kind of thing with the eyes covered, which is like Saudi Arabia do that a lot. 0.93

00:54:51.000 Then in Iran, you get some that are religious that will cover their hair and everything, but you see the full face. 0.96

00:54:57.000 Then you've got Dubai.

00:54:58.000 You've got these girls. 0.98

00:55:00.000 It's ridiculous. 0.96

00:55:01.000 They wear the thing. 0.86

00:55:04.000 But it's all...

00:55:05.000 They're blinged out.

00:55:06.000 You'll see designer shoes.

00:55:09.000 Even the thing that covers them, they put little diamond studs on them and stuff.

00:55:14.000 Really?

00:55:14.000 It's the weirdest thing.

00:55:15.000 It's hot.

00:55:16.000 Dude, it's actually...

00:55:17.000 They're pretty cute.

00:55:19.000 They'll take...

00:55:20.000 And then there's become this thing there now where the women... 1.00

00:55:24.000 It's weird.

00:55:24.000 They want the hair to seem like it's puffier.

00:55:27.000 So they'll take a can-like thing like this and they'll roll their hair up in it. 0.70

00:55:31.000 Yeah, it's a bump.

00:55:31.000 And then they put it there.

00:55:32.000 So it looks very like...

00:55:34.000 Star Wars-y, you know?

00:55:35.000 Like a princess in Star Wars.

00:55:37.000 They might as well be Star Wars-y with those crazy robes. 0.99

00:55:40.000 I mean, that's some Obi-Wan Kenobi shit. 0.99

00:55:41.000 Yeah, it is. 1.00

00:55:42.000 It is some Obi-Wan Kenobi shit. 0.99

00:55:43.000 Actually, you know what the Obi-Wan Kenobi? 1.00

00:55:45.000 You know what?

00:55:45.000 I was in...

00:55:46.000 I went to Morocco just to travel, not to do shows.

00:55:49.000 This was years ago.

00:55:50.000 I went to Morocco and we went to Fez, which is the coolest place.

00:55:54.000 The Fez cap comes from that.

00:55:55.000 You know the Fez cap, like that with the little thing?

00:55:58.000 Right.

00:55:59.000 Anyway, and they told us, I went there with now my wife, who was then my girlfriend, and she was studying in the south of Spain, so we took a boat over, and we had no preparation.

00:56:09.000 You should research before you go.

00:56:11.000 So we're on our way, on the boat, we're reading this little guidebook, and it goes, whatever you do, don't accept a guide, because in Fez, they're going to try and come up to you and want to be your guide, and talk to the hotel to get you a guide.

00:56:26.000 We didn't have a hotel.

00:56:27.000 We didn't know where we were going to stay.

00:56:29.000 And my girlfriend at the time kept saying, she said, my wife, she's like, we need to go to the old city.

00:56:35.000 That's supposed to be really nice, the old city.

00:56:38.000 Now, I don't speak Arabic.

00:56:39.000 I speak Farsi.

00:56:40.000 So I had no idea how you say old city in Arabic.

00:56:42.000 But the Moroccans, they speak French.

00:56:44.000 I've taken three years of French.

00:56:45.000 So the whole time in the train, I'm like, how do you say old city in French?

00:56:49.000 I'm like, is it la cita, you know, vecchio?

00:56:52.000 You know, I was like, that's not it.

00:56:53.000 So I finally asked some dude.

00:56:55.000 He's like, oh, l'ancienne ville.

00:56:56.000 It means the ancient city, l'ancienne ville.

00:56:58.000 So our plan was just land in Fez, find a cab, and say, take us to L'Ancienville.

00:57:04.000 So we get in the cab, and the cab driver's like, where in L'Ancienville?

00:57:08.000 I'm like, just L'Ancienville!

00:57:10.000 He's like, at a hotel?

00:57:11.000 I'm like, yeah.

00:57:12.000 I was like, just go to some hotels.

00:57:14.000 So the dude takes us.

00:57:15.000 We go into the ancient city, and then right when we get there, some guy flags him down.

00:57:20.000 The dude walks over to the passenger side and leans his head in and says something in Arabic to the driver.

00:57:26.000 And then he leans to us.

00:57:27.000 He goes, hello, I will show you.

00:57:30.000 You look for a hotel.

00:57:31.000 He sounded like Borat.

00:57:32.000 I swear to God.

00:57:32.000 You look for a hotel.

00:57:34.000 And we're like, no, we're okay.

00:57:36.000 He's like, no, I will show.

00:57:37.000 Don't worry.

00:57:38.000 And he got into the car. 0.99

00:57:39.000 I'm like, shit, we're getting kidnapped. 0.99

00:57:41.000 And he takes us to some, like, they have these, like, old homes that are turned into hotels. 0.99

00:57:46.000 It was really nice.

00:57:47.000 But nobody was staying there.

00:57:49.000 So he takes us there.

00:57:50.000 Anyway, so he becomes our guide.

00:57:52.000 Unintentionally, he's now our guide.

00:57:53.000 This is what you were told to avoid.

00:57:54.000 To avoid. 1.00

00:57:55.000 I'm telling my wife, I'm like, shit, now we got a guide. 1.00

00:57:57.000 How do we tell him no? 1.00

00:57:58.000 He's like, don't worry.

00:57:59.000 I show you around.

00:58:01.000 If you like, then maybe you can give something.

00:58:03.000 He didn't even bring up the money thing.

00:58:05.000 He's like, let me take it here.

00:58:07.000 Then he said, let me take it here. 1.00

00:58:07.000 I would have kicked that motherfucker right out of that guy. 1.00

00:58:10.000 It's one of these situations where you're like, okay, this guy's a local. 1.00

00:58:13.000 You feel intimidated because they know each other somehow.

00:58:17.000 You're kind of like, let's go along, but just be ready to run at any minute.

00:58:21.000 That's so crazy.

00:58:22.000 He's like, let me take you for dinner.

00:58:25.000 We go to this restaurant.

00:58:26.000 I'm not kidding.

00:58:26.000 There was balloons and banners.

00:58:28.000 All this shit was up, but we were the only two eating at the restaurant. 0.99

00:58:33.000 The waiter was so excited to see us. 0.99

00:58:35.000 He's like, hello, hello.

00:58:36.000 And it's like the waiter was the waiter slash the cook slash the owner.

00:58:40.000 Like he would like go cook in the back and then come sit and watch us eat. 1.00

00:58:43.000 It was the craziest shit. 1.00

00:58:44.000 Wow. 1.00

00:58:45.000 But the Obi-Wan Kenobi shit that was crazy is these guides, they actually wear the Obi-Wan Kenobi suit. 0.99

00:58:52.000 The gown with the hat. 0.99

00:58:54.000 During the day, they wear it.

00:58:55.000 And that's the official Fez guide outfit.

00:59:00.000 That's an official guide.

00:59:01.000 The government, I think, recognizes them as guides.

00:59:03.000 And the weird one, when I realized it was Obi-Wan Kenobi, I was like, George Lucas must have come to Fez and come up with this.

00:59:10.000 Because my wife and I, the next day, the guy goes, I'm going to show you the castle today.

00:59:15.000 And we're like, alright.

00:59:16.000 So he takes us to the castle.

00:59:18.000 He's like, okay, I cannot come close.

00:59:20.000 You go, I come.

00:59:21.000 I see you at the other side.

00:59:23.000 I guess they don't let the guides come.

00:59:24.000 So we go, we take a picture too.

00:59:26.000 And then we're like, how's the guy going to find us?

00:59:28.000 And we start walking.

00:59:29.000 And I'm looking for the guy literally across the street in one of those Obi-Wan Kenobi.

00:59:34.000 Because that's what he's shown up with.

00:59:35.000 Obi-Wan Kenobi outfits with the hood on.

00:59:37.000 He's kind of across the street watching us, nodding.

00:59:40.000 And he's like, keep walking.

00:59:41.000 So he kind of kept an eye on us.

00:59:42.000 You know how in Star Wars, Obi-Wan was kind of weird like that?

00:59:45.000 Like, disappeared.

00:59:47.000 So I was like, George Lucas must have come here and gotten a guide. 0.99

00:59:51.000 And then he came up with the fucking Obi-Wan Kenobi. 0.99

00:59:53.000 Wow, that's so weird. 0.99

00:59:54.000 So how long has this guide outfit existed?

00:59:57.000 Dude, the guide outfit was his day outfit, and then by night he would show up kind of dressed regularly.

01:00:02.000 Whoa, that's so strange.

01:00:04.000 Did you ask how many years they've been doing this?

01:00:06.000 Is it an ancient tradition?

01:00:08.000 I didn't ask him about the outfit.

01:00:10.000 I just realized there was a bunch of guys with the outfit around.

01:00:14.000 Basically, you'd have your clothes underneath, and you'd just throw the robe on.

01:00:18.000 It's almost like a judge.

01:00:19.000 They just put it over.

01:00:21.000 Did you ever have a pet monkey that robbed you?

01:00:23.000 There was a pet monkey that robbed you.

01:00:24.000 There was...

01:00:27.000 It's funny you say that because they actually, first of all, they do have pet monkeys out there that do tricks and stuff.

01:00:34.000 But what he did was he took us to a rug store that he's like, you want to see rugs?

01:00:38.000 And at the time, I was living with my mom.

01:00:41.000 I was dating my girlfriend, but I was living with my mom, and I didn't have an apartment.

01:00:45.000 So I had nowhere to put rugs.

01:00:46.000 I was like, no, I don't need a rug.

01:00:48.000 He's like, just come and look at the rug.

01:00:50.000 And so finally, we go into this place.

01:00:52.000 The Moroccans are the biggest sales people.

01:00:55.000 They will push you till you buy.

01:00:59.000 The guy, he came out, he's like, you want to look at the rugs?

01:01:02.000 I was like, I don't really want to look at rugs.

01:01:03.000 He's like, just look, it's okay.

01:01:05.000 And then they bring you out mint tea.

01:01:07.000 So now I'm looking at my girl.

01:01:09.000 I'm like, oh, this is fun.

01:01:10.000 They're going to give us free mint tea.

01:01:11.000 And all we got to do is look at some rugs.

01:01:12.000 And he's like, okay, out of these 10, what do you like?

01:01:15.000 I'm like, those are kind of nice.

01:01:16.000 He's like, okay, I give to you for, you know, whatever, $5,000.

01:01:20.000 I'm like, dude, I don't have a place to put them.

01:01:22.000 He's like, okay, which three do you like?

01:01:25.000 I was like, I don't want any.

01:01:26.000 He started negotiating.

01:01:27.000 I didn't even know I was negotiating.

01:01:29.000 Finally, I'm like, okay. 0.99

01:01:30.000 First of all, I'm waiting for her to bust in with like, look, dude, we don't want the fucking rugs. 1.00

01:01:35.000 But she's just sitting there going like, she's thinking, because later on I asked her, I was like, why don't you bust in? 0.98

01:01:38.000 She's like, I thought you're the man.

01:01:39.000 You're going to take it.

01:01:40.000 I was like, no, you got to come in. 1.00

01:01:42.000 It's like the tight ass. 0.99

01:01:43.000 And then finally, what was funny was I was like, oh, I got the Trump card here because it was literally in some back alley. 0.99

01:01:52.000 They barely had the door.

01:01:55.000 It was all old school.

01:01:57.000 There was nothing technical about the place.

01:01:59.000 I'm like, I got the trump card right here.

01:02:01.000 I'm just going to let the dude know, I got no cash, bro.

01:02:04.000 I got credit cards.

01:02:05.000 And I said that, and he's like, We have credit card machine.

01:02:08.000 He went and got the old thing.

01:02:12.000 And then they sold me three rugs.

01:02:17.000 I'm not kidding.

01:02:18.000 And the funny thing is they shipped it to America.

01:02:21.000 And I'm not kidding.

01:02:22.000 I had no place to put them.

01:02:23.000 For six months, I drove around with three rugs in my trunk.

01:02:28.000 You still have them?

01:02:29.000 I gave them away to relatives that had apartments.

01:02:32.000 I actually started to talk about it in stand-up, and I go, for six months I was going around trying to sell it to relatives.

01:02:36.000 No, you just look.

01:02:37.000 Have some mint tea.

01:02:39.000 But that's how they get you, man.

01:02:41.000 But that's like $1,200, man.

01:02:43.000 $1,200.

01:02:44.000 I was like, I have no idea.

01:02:45.000 I don't know if they're worth it.

01:02:47.000 I have no idea.

01:02:48.000 He scored.

01:02:48.000 He scored on you.

01:02:49.000 Oh, yeah.

01:02:50.000 They ate for a month.

01:02:51.000 Yeah.

01:02:52.000 It's funny how many cultures there are like that, that barter and try to get you to buy things on the street. 0.90

01:02:57.000 Oh, yeah.

01:02:57.000 Street peddling is a big part of a lot of cultures.

01:03:00.000 Oh, yeah.

01:03:01.000 That freaked me out when I first went to Tijuana.

01:03:03.000 Oh, yeah.

01:03:04.000 I'd never seen that before en masse, where people just selling everything on the street.

01:03:08.000 This was way back in the...

01:03:09.000 I went with Wheels.

01:03:11.000 Oh, yeah.

01:03:11.000 Wheels Parisi, yeah.

01:03:12.000 Wheels Parisi were doing the comedy store in La Jolla.

01:03:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:03:16.000 And Wheels didn't even know how to get there.

01:03:17.000 I go, do you know how to go there?

01:03:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:03:19.000 I know how to go there. 0.99

01:03:19.000 I didn't know where the fuck he was going. 0.99

01:03:21.000 I'm like, how do we get back to America? 0.99

01:03:22.000 Yeah, I'm not sure.

01:03:23.000 I'm not sure.

01:03:24.000 Totally lost.

01:03:25.000 No navigation systems back then. 0.99

01:03:27.000 This is like the late 90s and shit. 0.99

01:03:29.000 You were lost, man. 1.00

01:03:30.000 I was like, we got to get the fuck out of Mexico. 0.99

01:03:33.000 I was in Mexico. 0.99

01:03:34.000 I was in Tijuana for 20 minutes.

01:03:36.000 I was like, this is crazy.

01:03:37.000 It's like, I couldn't believe the stark contrast between San Diego, cross the border, all of a sudden you're in a third world. 0.99

01:03:44.000 Like, whoa, this is hookers everywhere. 1.00

01:03:47.000 You know, girls walking the street, and you see guns open. 1.00

01:03:51.000 You see like open guns. 0.98

01:03:53.000 There was like so many creepy little fucking spots, and we were driving around these little weird cities. 1.00

01:03:57.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:03:58.000 Toyota Supra Turbo, shiny little, looking like an LA douchebag, looking like a victim. 1.00

01:04:04.000 And the Federales look free.

01:04:05.000 That's the problem in these places, is the cops are even, you gotta look out for the cops.

01:04:09.000 Yeah, they're trying to rob you, man.

01:04:11.000 I had that in Mexico, where the guy, because then what they do is, first of all, you walk into the Mexican bazaar I went into, there was nobody there.

01:04:19.000 It was dead.

01:04:20.000 It was middle of the day, no one's there.

01:04:22.000 And I walk in there, and the guy's like, hey.

01:04:23.000 You want to buy a bag or whatever?

01:04:25.000 You want to buy shoes?

01:04:26.000 I'm like, no, it's alright.

01:04:27.000 He's like, how about some weed?

01:04:29.000 I'm like, no.

01:04:29.000 He's like, cocaine?

01:04:30.000 I'm like, no. 1.00

01:04:30.000 And then he's like, fucking pussy? 1.00

01:04:33.000 They turn on you. 1.00

01:04:34.000 I'm like, what happened, man?

01:04:35.000 We were bros. 1.00

01:04:37.000 He's like, you fucking pussy. 1.00

01:04:38.000 Just because I don't want your heroin? 1.00

01:04:39.000 Come on, man.

01:04:40.000 I'm like, we got to get out of here, man.

01:04:42.000 Yeah, Mexico is a trippy place.

01:04:44.000 It's so strange that it's connected, you know, and people don't seem to recognize that threat, the fact that it's connected.

01:04:50.000 They actually said that McCain just came out, not that this means anything, but McCain just came out and said that giant forest fire they have going on right now in Arizona.

01:04:59.000 You know about that, right?

01:05:00.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:05:00.000 Huge, out-of-control wildfire, and they think it was started by illegal immigrants setting up camp.

01:05:05.000 Oh, wow. 0.99

01:05:06.000 Yeah, you know, there's a lot of guys, they cross the border in Arizona, you know, do little campfires and shit, and whoops, forgot to put the campfire out. 1.00

01:05:13.000 Shit. 0.99

01:05:13.000 Giant fucking 140,000 acre, who knows how many acres it is now. 0.99

01:05:18.000 That's crazy. 0.99

01:05:18.000 It's insane, but it's... 0.99

01:05:19.000 I'm actually scheduled to do some show in Mexico in the fall, and what's funny is people are always scared of the Middle East and stuff, but my wife and I were talking about all these kidnappings and stuff going on in Mexico, and it's like, is it worth going down there?

01:05:35.000 I'm thinking about the same thing, like Cabo.

01:05:38.000 I was just thinking of going somewhere in Mexico, but is it even worth going?

01:05:42.000 I heard that if you go to resorts, you're fine.

01:05:44.000 My friend Matt just got back from Cabo.

01:05:46.000 He goes to Cabo all the time.

01:05:47.000 He loves it.

01:05:47.000 Cabo's supposed to still be nice, but There's Acapulco, which is real dangerous now.

01:05:52.000 Acapulco is supposed to be dangerous.

01:05:53.000 Cancun is supposed to be a little tricky.

01:05:55.000 They, for the most part, avoid the resort towns.

01:05:58.000 They don't want to fuck up business for everybody.

01:06:00.000 But in Acapulco, they've jacked people in resorts.

01:06:02.000 Really?

01:06:02.000 Yeah, Acapulco is apparently pretty shady right now.

01:06:05.000 But Cabo is supposed to be still good.

01:06:07.000 I was in Cabo.

01:06:08.000 It was good.

01:06:08.000 It was a nice resort.

01:06:09.000 It's actually funny.

01:06:10.000 Before all this was kind of going on, like...

01:06:13.000 Five, six years ago, I went to Cabo, and we were staying at the Hilton, and it was a nice place.

01:06:18.000 And it was kind of funny, because everyone's out there, obviously, you know, tourists in their bathing suits.

01:06:24.000 And these two dudes showed up.

01:06:26.000 It was like Keystone... 1.00

01:06:28.000 It wasn't Keystone, it was like bumbling idiot criminals. 1.00

01:06:31.000 They showed up, these two guys, with empty bags, like duffel bags almost, with their shirts off, as if they're tourists, with jeans. 1.00

01:06:41.000 Obviously not tourists. 0.92

01:06:42.000 And there were these two Mexican dudes walking around the pool, just checking shit out, just walking around looking for a place to start snatching things. 1.00

01:06:50.000 And I looked at my wife and I was like, do those guys seem like they fit in here? 0.97

01:06:53.000 She's like, no.

01:06:54.000 I was like, I better tell somebody.

01:06:56.000 We went over and told the management, like, those two dudes don't look like their hotel clients.

01:07:00.000 And the next thing you know, they're getting escorted out.

01:07:02.000 They'd walked in, but it's like they did not, like, buy, you know, invest in a bathing suit, so at least you look the part.

01:07:07.000 They were in there with their jeans, with their shirts off, you know, obviously not, you know, just did not fit in at all.

01:07:14.000 It's weird how quickly it's changed.

01:07:15.000 I went on vacation in Cancun, I think in like 2000, 2001, and I wouldn't even think about going there now.

01:07:22.000 Yeah.

01:07:23.000 It's too bad, too.

01:07:24.000 It's crazy.

01:07:24.000 There's so many spots I want to see.

01:07:26.000 I want to see all sorts of the Mayan ruins.

01:07:29.000 Yeah.

01:07:29.000 There's so many...

01:07:30.000 Pulum and, you know, I've been to Chichen Itza and...

01:07:33.000 There's one outside of Mexico City.

01:07:34.000 I would love to see them.

01:07:36.000 I mean, they're incredible.

01:07:36.000 I guess there's that exhibit in Cabo, that underwater art exhibit.

01:07:40.000 Have you seen it?

01:07:41.000 Where it's just a bunch of statues underneath the water, and you can go down there.

01:07:44.000 I think it's scuba dive or do something like that, where there's just this huge...

01:07:48.000 Art piece underneath the ocean.

01:07:50.000 Oh, recently someone's put there.

01:07:52.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:07:53.000 And I guess if you're a good artist, they will let you add your own work to it.

01:07:57.000 Like if you're an artist.

01:07:58.000 So it's kind of cool.

01:07:58.000 So all these really good artists have been adding things to it.

01:08:01.000 And I guess it's just amazing.

01:08:03.000 That's badass.

01:08:04.000 And the only way you can get to it is by scuba diving?

01:08:06.000 I think so.

01:08:07.000 I'm not sure.

01:08:07.000 I'm not sure about that part.

01:08:09.000 But that's what I kind of gave her.

01:08:10.000 Maybe it's a boat.

01:08:11.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:08:13.000 They've got to write that country, man.

01:08:14.000 They've got to figure it out.

01:08:15.000 They did with Colombia. 0.80

01:08:16.000 They straightened Colombia out. 1.00

01:08:17.000 Colombia, apparently, you can travel there now. 0.63

01:08:19.000 And it used to be, you know, back in the 80s when the cocaine crisis was going on, Colombia was just ridiculous. 0.99

01:08:25.000 You know, Medellin was a goddamn war zone. 0.99

01:08:27.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:08:27.000 But now, apparently, you can go to Colombia. 0.99

01:08:29.000 Like, they've taken care of shit. 0.99

01:08:30.000 They've cleaned it up. 0.99

01:08:31.000 But I don't know if they're ever going to be able to do that with Mexico. 1.00

01:08:33.000 It's just, it's so close to the supply, you know, the cash supply of America is like right there.

01:08:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:08:39.000 They can get the drugs and get that shit across quickly. 0.99

01:08:42.000 And they're doing crazy shit like rolling heads into discotheques and shit. 1.00

01:08:46.000 Have you heard about that? 1.00

01:08:47.000 Kill people and roll heads. 1.00

01:08:48.000 I mean, at what point do you go, I killed him, I cut off his head, let's roll it into a discotheque. 1.00

01:08:53.000 The other thing I've been thinking of is I guess Japan is so broke right now that it's so cheap to fly to Japan right now. 0.68

01:09:00.000 They need people to come to Japan because no one's going now. 0.99

01:09:03.000 And so I heard that there's flights for ridiculous amounts of money from LA, like 300 bucks or something like that, just to go to Japan.

01:09:09.000 Wow.

01:09:09.000 And I'm like, now, would you go to Tokyo?

01:09:11.000 Would you do that?

01:09:12.000 Or do you know anything about it?

01:09:14.000 I would have to read up on what the levels are as far as radiation goes.

01:09:18.000 But the problem with Japan and the radiation is that I don't think they've been entirely honest about it.

01:09:23.000 I don't think they've been honest about the leak.

01:09:26.000 They're finding out that all three of them are melt-throughs.

01:09:29.000 They're finding out all sorts of things where it turns out that the actual damage done by these nuclear disasters is far, far greater than what they had initially forecasted.

01:09:39.000 So who knows how far the spread of the radiation goes?

01:09:42.000 I would have to hear about that. 0.99

01:09:43.000 It would be a fucking shame to go there for a $300 ticket and just get fucking nuked. 0.99

01:09:48.000 Anything for a bargain. 1.00

01:09:49.000 Get bigger balls. 1.00

01:09:50.000 I would love to go to Japan though, man. 0.98

01:09:51.000 I've always wanted to go.

01:09:52.000 I was always hoping that we'd do a UFC in Japan.

01:09:54.000 It's such an amazing piece of history.

01:09:57.000 That one part of the world is so unique.

01:10:00.000 There are innovations as far as martial arts go and swordsmanship and literature.

01:10:05.000 That's where the Book of Five Rings came from.

01:10:08.000 The Book of Five Rings is one of my guidebooks for life, that Miyamoto Musashi book. 0.99

01:10:13.000 All that samurai way, all that shit came from Japan. 1.00

01:10:16.000 It's an amazing culture. 1.00

01:10:18.000 It does seem pretty crazy.

01:10:21.000 I don't know how they were before World War II, but it feels like after World War II, they became more capitalistic than we are even.

01:10:27.000 If you see any footage I've seen ever, it's like the neon lights and just the amount of Japanese and the products they love.

01:10:36.000 I don't think they're as materialistic as us, though.

01:10:39.000 I don't think they purchase things and own things.

01:10:41.000 I don't think there's a lot of emphasis in their culture of owning things.

01:10:43.000 Okay.

01:10:44.000 I think they spend all their money going out to eat and spend all their money drinking.

01:10:48.000 Makeup.

01:10:48.000 It's different.

01:10:49.000 And you also notice that a lot of them all have like eyelashes, fake eyelashes.

01:10:53.000 And they spend so much money.

01:10:55.000 The women. 0.81

01:10:55.000 Okay. 0.81

01:10:56.000 The women spend. 1.00

01:10:57.000 Imagine if men started rocking fake eyelashes. 0.86

01:11:00.000 Well, you have to do it.

01:11:01.000 But they kind of do.

01:11:02.000 They spend a lot more money on how they look.

01:11:04.000 Really?

01:11:05.000 The Americans?

01:11:06.000 What?

01:11:07.000 The Americans?

01:11:08.000 Well, I saw at the Saddle Ranch.

01:11:09.000 I saw a group of like...

01:11:11.000 No, no, no.

01:11:12.000 Seven kids.

01:11:14.000 And for sure they were from Japan?

01:11:16.000 Well, whatever.

01:11:17.000 China. 1.00

01:11:18.000 Same shit. 1.00

01:11:19.000 But they all had their hair done with the blonde streaks in it. 1.00

01:11:23.000 And they all had their jeans that probably cost them $300.

01:11:27.000 They do.

01:11:27.000 I've always said the Japanese seem to be the most European of Asians.

01:11:31.000 Yeah.

01:11:31.000 Like they're very much into...

01:11:33.000 Like you said, it seems like a different look.

01:11:36.000 You know, they are a little like hipper in their way.

01:11:39.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:11:40.000 It's hot mixed with hairstylists.

01:11:42.000 It's interesting how many Japanese people are into American culture and how much they follow it and are really, really enamored by Elvis and all sorts of things.

01:11:52.000 Michael Jackson was a Superman for them.

01:11:55.000 It was crazy.

01:11:56.000 Yeah, it's a fascinating culture.

01:11:58.000 You know, when they had all these problems with the tsunamis and the earthquake and everything like that, And people would wait in line for food and water and rations. 0.98

01:12:05.000 They were orderly as fuck, man. 0.98

01:12:07.000 Their culture is so polite. 1.00

01:12:09.000 Somebody was telling me that.

01:12:10.000 Somebody told me that they went to a bar or something in Japan and people were lined up at the bar as opposed to the idea of just come at the bazaar mentality.

01:12:20.000 That's pretty crazy if you think about that.

01:12:22.000 Yeah, they're much more disciplined.

01:12:24.000 Much more disciplined and humble.

01:12:25.000 Did you ever see Babel, the movie Babel?

01:12:27.000 No.

01:12:28.000 You never saw Babel?

01:12:29.000 No, what is it?

01:12:29.000 Oh, it's a great movie.

01:12:30.000 Inaritu, the director.

01:12:32.000 Did you ever see Amores Peros?

01:12:34.000 You know what?

01:12:34.000 No.

01:12:35.000 That's one of those movies I bought on DVD and I put it down somewhere.

01:12:40.000 I have to get in the mood to watch a movie with subtitles.

01:12:42.000 The dude, he's a great director.

01:12:46.000 I've seen a few of his movies.

01:12:47.000 I think he also did 21 Grants.

01:12:49.000 I might be mistaken.

01:12:50.000 I think you're right.

01:12:51.000 The movies I've seen him do all have two or three stories and they all kind of intertwine somehow.

01:12:57.000 And this one, Babel, was amazing and it had like three stories going on.

01:13:01.000 One of them was, it's Brad Pitt and not Naomi Watts, but I forget her name. 0.58

01:13:09.000 Anyway, they go to Morocco and they're visiting Morocco and some shit goes down. 0.78

01:13:14.000 And then there's another story of A Mexican family who's trying to get to a wedding, I think, across the border. 0.97

01:13:22.000 And then they get into some trouble.

01:13:24.000 And then there's a story of this Japanese girl.

01:13:26.000 This is what I was talking about, the Japanese thing.

01:13:27.000 It's so amazing.

01:13:28.000 This girl, I think she should have won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress that year.

01:13:32.000 She plays a deaf girl.

01:13:35.000 Who's just depressed and living with her dad and this stuff.

01:13:39.000 As an actor, I don't know how you play deaf, and I don't know how you do it that well. 1.00

01:13:43.000 It's the most amazing thing.

01:13:45.000 What was really cool about it was, so this girl's like a party girl, having a good time with her friends, but she's depressed.

01:13:52.000 This intense scene where they're out, they're partying, I think they do ecstasy or something, and they end up at a nightclub.

01:13:58.000 And it's the coolest thing because suddenly it goes from her perspective.

01:14:03.000 Imagine from a deaf person's perspective, a nightclub. 0.97

01:14:05.000 So it's like really loud, but she's not hearing the whole thing.

01:14:09.000 It's just kind of muddled, and she's kind of looking around. 1.00

01:14:13.000 And it's the most intense shit. 0.99

01:14:14.000 I'm kind of getting goosebumps. 1.00

01:14:15.000 You've got to see it.

01:14:16.000 What's it called again?

01:14:17.000 It's called Babel. 0.96

01:14:17.000 B-A-B-E-L. It has a great soundtrack, too. 0.96

01:14:20.000 Oh, really?

01:14:22.000 I've heard of it.

01:14:23.000 And this scene, this girl killed it and she ended up losing to Jennifer Hudson from Dreamgirls. 1.00

01:14:31.000 Was that the movie?

01:14:32.000 Yeah.

01:14:32.000 And I saw her.

01:14:33.000 I saw some of that.

01:14:34.000 I didn't see the whole thing in that.

01:14:35.000 But I think that she won because it was like a popular, like she sang in that.

01:14:38.000 I mean, I'm sure there was some good acting in it.

01:14:40.000 But this girl just knocked it out. 1.00

01:14:41.000 Like as an actor to sit there and watch somebody kill it like that. 1.00

01:14:44.000 You're like, damn! 0.99

01:14:46.000 But it was all Japan, and it was pretty cool. 0.99

01:14:49.000 It was a cool night in Japan kind of thing.

01:14:52.000 Such an unusual culture, man.

01:14:54.000 It's a really crazy place.

01:14:56.000 They invented the suicide bombing, too. 0.85

01:14:59.000 They invented the kamikaze.

01:15:01.000 You know what they did?

01:15:03.000 They got people on crystal meth.

01:15:04.000 Really?

01:15:05.000 Yeah, that's how they got him to do kamikaze work.

01:15:07.000 Crazy as that.

01:15:08.000 They gave him crazy amphetamines. 1.00

01:15:10.000 Made him just fucking do nutty shit. 1.00

01:15:12.000 Crazy as that. 1.00

01:15:13.000 Makes sense, right?

01:15:13.000 You know what's interesting is when you realize, that's good to know, when you realize sometimes the motivation behind some things.

01:15:20.000 My dad, before he passed away, he used to tell me that a lot of the mullahs in Iran...

01:15:26.000 A lot of people in Iran smoke opium.

01:15:27.000 It's like smoking weed, but it's opium.

01:15:29.000 And he was saying that a lot of these mullahs actually smoke opium. 0.99

01:15:32.000 And I ended up doing a bit about, you know, a stand-up about how the reason these guys are talking shit to America is because they're high. 0.99

01:15:38.000 And suddenly they start making sense. 0.99

01:15:39.000 Even like Gaddafi, supposedly it's just high on all kinds of meds. 0.99

01:15:44.000 And so you realize why the guy's out there talking like he's fucking Tony Montana. 0.96

01:15:47.000 I don't know if you've seen some of the quotes, but he's like, I'm going to fight till the death. 0.99

01:15:50.000 So, you know, somebody might give him like credit as like, I mean, his followers would be like credit for like, oh, this guy's got balls.

01:15:56.000 He's staying up to America. 0.99

01:15:57.000 But no, the guy's fucking high. 1.00

01:15:59.000 He's just talking shit. 1.00

01:16:01.000 And the same thing with these guys that are kamikaze, you know, it's like, oh, wow, there's a lot of balls to do that. 1.00

01:16:05.000 Yeah, if you're fucking high on meth, you're like, yeah, I think I'm about to fucking take on this fucking boat with my little plane. 0.99

01:16:11.000 I just saw a movie. 0.99

01:16:12.000 You guys remember that movie, Airport?

01:16:14.000 It was big in the 70s.

01:16:16.000 Airport? 0.99

01:16:17.000 Yeah, it was about a terrorism act that this guy lost his job, the economy was shit, and he was going to kill himself to collect on insurance. 0.98

01:16:27.000 And so he went on this plane, and it was kind of cool to see how planes used to be where people were smoking on them and all this crap.

01:16:34.000 And then he blew up a bomb on the plane, and it was so funny seeing how, A, how we used to think if a bomb blew up on a plane, like how this little hole came out and the wind blew around a little.

01:16:46.000 It was like, oh, it's windy in here, you know?

01:16:49.000 Like the plane's not falling to the ground or anything like that.

01:16:53.000 But it was also weird just seeing how the airport security used to be, how movies...

01:16:58.000 This was a movie about a terrorist blowing up a bomb in 1979 or 1972 or something.

01:17:04.000 I think it was even earlier than that.

01:17:06.000 But they made four movies about it.

01:17:07.000 I don't know if you guys ever seen it.

01:17:08.000 So this was actually an actual thing that happened?

01:17:10.000 And it was based on a true story?

01:17:11.000 No, no, no.

01:17:12.000 This was just their take of terrorism back in the 70s.

01:17:16.000 And bombs and blowing up the planes.

01:17:19.000 Well, there was some...

01:17:20.000 In 1970 it was.

01:17:22.000 There was some terrorism back then.

01:17:23.000 I mean, there had been that event that happened at the Olympics.

01:17:28.000 The Munich Olympics, yeah.

01:17:29.000 What year was that?

01:17:29.000 That was the 72 Olympics.

01:17:31.000 Yeah, I mean, we've had terrorism forever.

01:17:34.000 Oh, yeah.

01:17:35.000 Well, they say even if you go back to the whole Jewish-Palestinian thing, before Israel became a state, the Jews were doing terrorist acts to try and get...

01:17:48.000 Get more locks.

01:17:50.000 Yeah, to get more locks, yeah.

01:17:53.000 No, I mean, an oppressed people are always doing the terrorist act. 1.00

01:17:58.000 But no, the thing with what you're talking about, air travel and stuff, even now when you travel, when you go to different parts of the world, it's amazing to see their take on terrorism and their take through the airport.

01:18:13.000 What's it like?

01:18:14.000 Well, I've just seen...

01:18:15.000 I've been to airports now, sometimes in the Middle East, where the dude's straight up He's talking on his phone.

01:18:21.000 The TSA guy is on an earpiece, talking on a phone.

01:18:25.000 Just like, go ahead.

01:18:26.000 I was joking.

01:18:27.000 He's like, go ahead.

01:18:28.000 You can go because we're all terrorists.

01:18:33.000 That was my take, jokingly.

01:18:35.000 Wow.

01:18:36.000 I've had that.

01:18:38.000 I've had dudes on the phone, not paying attention. 0.98

01:18:40.000 I saw one TSA dude, literally, he kind of moved out of the way, and he was checking out chicks' asses as they would walk by. 0.97

01:18:51.000 That's where his mind was. 0.93

01:18:53.000 In Australia, I've done this on domestic flights, you can take liquids on.

01:19:01.000 And I don't know what the deal is.

01:19:02.000 I was about to throw the water away, and the guy's like, no, bring it on.

01:19:05.000 It's so raw.

01:19:05.000 And I'm like, that's kind of weird, man.

01:19:07.000 Yeah, some places they don't make you take your sneakers off.

01:19:09.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:19:09.000 It's just weird.

01:19:10.000 Different places, different takes on it. 0.97

01:19:12.000 The whole thing's ridiculous.

01:19:13.000 Or like, I'm sorry, I landed when my wife was studying in southwest Spain. 0.97

01:19:17.000 She was studying Marbella, which is known to be a drug slash mafia, all these Russian mob. 1.00

01:19:26.000 Anyone who's doing some illegal shit goes to Marbella. 0.98

01:19:29.000 And when I landed at the airport, You know how usually there's customs, this and that? 0.97

01:19:34.000 There's no...

01:19:36.000 I was like, I could have a bag filled with heroin right now.

01:19:39.000 And they're like, come on in, man.

01:19:41.000 So it's known for being an illegal safe zone?

01:19:44.000 I'll tell you, I realized I was walking on the...

01:19:46.000 It's beautiful.

01:19:47.000 I was walking on the little boardwalk...

01:19:50.000 I saw this big...

01:19:51.000 You know how some Russian dudes are big? 0.99

01:19:54.000 This guy was big.

01:19:55.000 He had the short shorts, no shirt on, black socks all the way up to the knee, on a cell phone, just walking with a gold chain.

01:20:03.000 I'm like, that dude's a Russian mob. 0.95

01:20:04.000 I'm like, come on, man.

01:20:05.000 I was like Tony Soprano going out for a walk.

01:20:08.000 Russian mob's way scarier to me than the Italian mob. 1.00

01:20:10.000 Oh, hell yeah. 0.97

01:20:11.000 The Italian mob has so much ego and flashiness. 1.00

01:20:14.000 All the shit that John Gotti did, everybody thought of John Gotti as like, wow, this is the ultimate gangster. 1.00

01:20:20.000 No, this is the ultimate thing you're not supposed to do. 1.00

01:20:22.000 You're not supposed to be on TV where everybody knows who the fuck you are. 0.99

01:20:26.000 You're not supposed to be so blatant about it all, wearing fucking $15,000 suits and You know, having people knocked off in front of steakhouses. 1.00

01:20:34.000 Like, this is ridiculous. 1.00

01:20:35.000 You guys are going to ruin the whole thing. 0.99

01:20:36.000 And it did wind up ruining the whole thing. 0.80

01:20:38.000 Whereas the Russian mobsters... 1.00

01:20:39.000 When was the last time a Russian mobster got clipped and was on TV? There's no Russian John Gotti's. 0.79

01:20:44.000 There are, but you're never going to fucking hear about him. 0.97

01:20:47.000 Well, the thing about the Russians, too, is like... 0.98

01:20:49.000 Again, I talk about this on stage, and it's total truth.

01:20:51.000 It's like...

01:20:53.000 If you watch, anytime there's something going on, I would say whenever there's a hostage situation, these guys are so badass.

01:21:00.000 The military shows up and they just kill everybody.

01:21:03.000 They're like, yeah, we might save some hostages, but they'll probably die. 1.00

01:21:08.000 We're going to kill the hostage takers, we might kill each other. 1.00

01:21:11.000 They're so badass. 1.00

01:21:12.000 And that's why, I'm serious, the biggest mobsters in Russia, Vladimir Putin is the leader. 0.78

01:21:19.000 When he left as prime minister, he made the other guy...

01:21:23.000 What's his name?

01:21:25.000 His name just slipped my mind right now.

01:21:26.000 He brought the other guy in as the president, and then he just became prime minister. 0.98

01:21:31.000 It's like, when you pull shit like that, It's like, alright, this dude... 1.00

01:21:35.000 It's gangster shit. 1.00

01:21:36.000 Yeah, and he's a black belt in judo. 1.00

01:21:38.000 Medveev.

01:21:39.000 Yeah, Medveev.

01:21:39.000 And he's a black belt in judo.

01:21:41.000 Like a legit black belt.

01:21:42.000 Still trains.

01:21:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:43.000 Flips people through the fucking air. 1.00

01:21:45.000 So he lets everybody like Obama know. 1.00

01:21:47.000 Like, bitch, I'll kill you. 1.00

01:21:48.000 And you see it in the eyes. 1.00

01:21:49.000 Like, when you watch...

01:21:51.000 Again, I saw the press conference.

01:21:53.000 The contrast, if you can YouTube it, after September 11th, there was a press conference with Bush and Putin.

01:22:00.000 Bush was with a speech, with us or against us, smoke them out of the hole.

01:22:05.000 Putin was just straight up like, what are you guys going to do? 1.00

01:22:07.000 He's like, we're going to kill them. 0.99

01:22:09.000 Like, who? 1.00

01:22:09.000 He's like, anyone wear a turban, we kill. 1.00

01:22:11.000 You see it in his eyes.

01:22:13.000 He's thinking, okay, I will say what I need to say.

01:22:16.000 But afterwards, some dying is going to happen. 0.91

01:22:19.000 Well, apparently, Bush and Putin had a meeting, and Bush was so offensively ignorant that Putin immediately started changing the way he negotiates and deals with America afterwards. 0.89

01:22:29.000 He just didn't respect what Bush had to say. 0.99

01:22:32.000 Bush was giving him advice about things, and he's like, who the fuck are you talking to, man? 0.99

01:22:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:22:38.000 I'm Vladimir Putin, bitch. 1.00

01:22:39.000 You're just the son of some fucking CIA agent who happens to be the puppet in charge. 1.00

01:22:45.000 I'm really running shit in Russia. 1.00

01:22:47.000 That's the difference between the President of America. 1.00

01:22:50.000 The President of America is like some sort of a fucking figurehead for giant corporations. 0.99

01:22:54.000 The guy who's running Russia is really running Russia. 1.00

01:22:58.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:23:00.000 They're pretty badass. 1.00

01:23:01.000 I always say, I don't fuck with Russians, man. 1.00

01:23:04.000 It's a tough, tough world up there, man. 1.00

01:23:06.000 You know, that fucking Staryoskel where Fedor Emelianenko, the former heavyweight pride champion, came from. 0.95

01:23:13.000 I never watched documentaries on that guy in that life. 0.99

01:23:15.000 You know, you look at him up there in that mining town near Siberia and shit. 1.00

01:23:19.000 Freezing fucking cold. 0.99

01:23:20.000 It's like hours away from St. Petersburg, Russia by train. 1.00

01:23:24.000 What the fuck are you doing out here, man? 0.99

01:23:27.000 Some hardy ass people. 1.00

01:23:29.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

01:23:29.000 They don't fuck around. 1.00

01:23:30.000 You know, they have wolf problems up there. 1.00

01:23:32.000 Oh, do they? 0.98

01:23:32.000 Yeah, they're having giant packs of super wolves that are banding together for the first time and killing livestock because it's so fucking cold this winter. 0.98

01:23:41.000 It got so cold up there that many packs of wolves joined together to become one giant pack because the freezing temperatures were killing all of their game and they were getting desperate so they formed some sort of a new strategy. 0.98

01:23:55.000 And would go into fucking towns and just jack all their livestock. 0.97

01:23:58.000 Dude, that's got to be the worst way to go. 1.00

01:24:00.000 Can you imagine if you're walking home with your girlfriend or wife after dinner one night, and you're like, oh, that was a great dinner, and then you go, and you look back, you're like, that's a pack of fucking wolves! 0.99

01:24:10.000 Wolves are terrifying to me. 0.99

01:24:11.000 Oh, my God.

01:24:11.000 Because we've killed them off in this country, and then we started restocking them.

01:24:15.000 They're having a problem right now in Idaho, I believe it is, because they've stocked the giant gray wolf from Canada.

01:24:23.000 And they brought it into Idaho to try to bring the populations up.

01:24:26.000 But now the populations are out of control.

01:24:28.000 And they're in the several thousands. 0.96

01:24:30.000 And now they're killing livestock and fucking things up. 0.91

01:24:32.000 And you have to worry about them with people, too. 0.99

01:24:34.000 Because they're big animals.

01:24:35.000 They're like 180 pounds. 1.00

01:24:36.000 And they will kill people. 1.00

01:24:38.000 All that big, bad wolf shit and little bit of riding hood shit where it was always wolves... 1.00

01:24:42.000 That's because wolves used to kill people. 1.00

01:24:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:24:44.000 Before we figured out tanks and jets and guns, there was a real issue.

01:24:50.000 Yeah, you don't want to fuck with a wolf, man. 1.00

01:24:52.000 They're like Russians. 1.00

01:24:53.000 Don't fuck with them. 1.00

01:24:54.000 That's funny. 1.00

01:24:55.000 There was a great documentary on Yellowstone and the cycle of life in Yellowstone.

01:24:59.000 And one of the things it talked about is how the wolves got stronger over the winter. 0.98

01:25:03.000 And all these other animals got fucked. 0.95

01:25:05.000 All these other animals, like they couldn't find their vegetation. 0.99

01:25:07.000 They had digging through all the snow to get to their plants.

01:25:10.000 And the wolves were just eating all these deer.

01:25:12.000 So they would be well fed and they would be stronger.

01:25:15.000 And the livestock, the caribou, the deers, they would all slowly start to weaken.

01:25:19.000 And they would all just get taken out by wolves.

01:25:21.000 It was fascinating to watch, man.

01:25:23.000 It's crazy.

01:25:23.000 Two thoughts came to mind.

01:25:24.000 One was I remember as a kid in Iran, in Tehran, I left when I was six.

01:25:28.000 And I remember my dad was like a manly man.

01:25:33.000 And he was a self-made millionaire in Iran.

01:25:36.000 So back then, he was like the godfather. 0.99

01:25:38.000 The shit he would do for people, he was like the godfather. 0.99

01:25:41.000 Straight up like Don Corleone. 1.00

01:25:42.000 Come to him, whatever you need done. 0.99

01:25:45.000 And all his friends were like wrestlers and shit, like tough dudes. 0.99

01:25:48.000 A lot of wrestlers. 0.98

01:25:49.000 A lot of wrestlers, yeah.

01:25:50.000 And then my dad was a big drinker because he was from northern Iran. 0.99

01:25:53.000 Tabriz was near the border of Russia.

01:25:55.000 So vodka was like water.

01:25:57.000 They would drink it all the time.

01:25:58.000 So I just have this memory of my dad.

01:26:00.000 We were coming home from a party.

01:26:01.000 He was obviously drunk.

01:26:02.000 He was driving us home.

01:26:03.000 And there was a pack of wild dogs down the block from where we lived.

01:26:07.000 And my dad was so crazy, like manly, he pulled the car over and picked up a couple rocks and started chasing the pack of dogs.

01:26:17.000 Drunk on vodka. 0.61

01:26:18.000 I'm coming here. 1.00

01:26:19.000 I'm like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:26:20.000 Family in the car and he's throwing rocks at wild dogs. 1.00

01:26:22.000 Yeah, and I'm sitting there as a kid going like, damn, my dad is badass. 0.99

01:26:26.000 When you grow up, you're like, no, man, my dad was drunk. 1.00

01:26:28.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:26:29.000 Well, Iranians are famous for their physical conditioning. 1.00

01:26:33.000 There's like a lot of techniques that they used from Iran that are still used today, like physical conditioning and certain, like the shield cast and a couple of fitness moves.

01:26:44.000 And the wrestlers from Iran are known internationally for being some of the toughest wrestlers in the world.

01:26:51.000 Especially when you consider that Iran is not a very large country, but consistently produces top 10 world-class wrestlers every year.

01:26:58.000 Yeah, yeah, definitely.

01:26:59.000 Wrestling is one of our big sports there, and it's a huge thing. 1.00

01:27:03.000 Iron Sheik, bitch! 1.00

01:27:04.000 Iron Sheik, baby! 1.00

01:27:05.000 Recognized.

01:27:06.000 He was a legit wrestler at one point in time.

01:27:08.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:27:09.000 There's wrestling and weightlifting, too, is another one.

01:27:12.000 Like, Iranians always compete. 1.00

01:27:13.000 It's kind of weird.

01:27:14.000 It's a manly country.

01:27:15.000 Yeah, manly country.

01:27:16.000 But it's funny.

01:27:17.000 The other thought that came to mind with the Wolves, when you're talking about the Wolves, is having a kid.

01:27:20.000 I'm sure you've seen it.

01:27:21.000 It's funny how these children's books, and obviously Big Bad Wolf, but once in a while they'll be like, you know...

01:27:30.000 The cute little wolf or the cute little, like some animals that like, you know, the hippo.

01:27:34.000 My son loves hippos.

01:27:35.000 He was talking about like hippos are known for the most deaths.

01:27:37.000 But my son's like, you know, hippo, hippo, hippo.

01:27:40.000 And like, they're so cute.

01:27:41.000 How about polar bears?

01:27:42.000 It's so coke.

01:27:43.000 Oh, yeah, exactly.

01:27:44.000 Coca-Cola, polar bear.

01:27:46.000 Yeah.

01:27:47.000 Monsters.

01:27:47.000 Yeah.

01:27:48.000 It's crazy. 1.00

01:27:48.000 Fucking evil cunts. 1.00

01:27:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:27:50.000 It's funny. 1.00

01:27:51.000 You could do a spoof behind the scenes. 0.99

01:27:55.000 You know how some actors that are so lovable end up being such assholes? 0.99

01:27:59.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

01:28:01.000 Exactly.

01:28:02.000 That's hilarious.

01:28:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:28:03.000 Like the fucking star baseball player who tells a kid to go fuck himself and ask for an autograph. 1.00

01:28:08.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

01:28:09.000 What the fuck, mister? 1.00

01:28:10.000 You're my hero. 1.00

01:28:12.000 I love hippos.

01:28:14.000 Trying to eat you. 1.00

01:28:15.000 Fucking biting your car tires off. 1.00

01:28:18.000 Hilarious. 1.00

01:28:18.000 There's a great picture online of this African guy running from a hippo. 1.00

01:28:23.000 And it's a funny picture and a terrifying picture.

01:28:26.000 It's funny because the guy made it.

01:28:28.000 He survived.

01:28:29.000 He got away from the hippo. 0.99

01:28:29.000 But it's fucking terrifying when you're watching it, man. 0.99

01:28:32.000 Because this guy is running, which is essentially a gigantic wild pig. 0.99

01:28:37.000 It's what they are. 1.00

01:28:38.000 They're a different kind of pig. 1.00

01:28:39.000 They're in the family of pigs. 1.00

01:28:41.000 And pigs are ruthless assholes. 1.00

01:28:42.000 And this giant wild pig is chasing this guy down the street. 1.00

01:28:46.000 It's fucking terrifying. 0.99

01:28:48.000 Can you imagine the thought? 0.99

01:28:49.000 One of my thoughts at that point would be...

01:28:52.000 Are they supposed to run faster?

01:28:54.000 I'd be starting to think about, you know what I'm saying?

01:28:57.000 Have I ever heard of a news piece about these guys?

01:29:00.000 The only thing that keeps you safe is that they can't run too far because they're so big.

01:29:05.000 They're so big and they're carrying so much mass and a lot of times they spend a lot of their time in the water.

01:29:09.000 They can run, but it's not their best move.

01:29:11.000 You've got to out-distance them. 0.99

01:29:12.000 This guy was running fast, and this thing looked like it was right on his ass. 0.97

01:29:15.000 One of the beautiful things about this podcast is that we have this message board at JoeRogan.net, and whenever we bring up something like this in the podcast, there's a thread that's already dedicated to the Maz Jirvani podcast. 0.98

01:29:25.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:29:26.000 What is his name?

01:29:26.000 Mr. Denison?

01:29:27.000 He puts it up.

01:29:28.000 I should give the guy credit because he puts it up.

01:29:30.000 Yes.

01:29:30.000 Mr. Denizen.

01:29:31.000 Cool motherfucker. 1.00

01:29:32.000 He's always doing this. 1.00

01:29:32.000 But I know somewhere on this thread, someone's going to put that picture of that hippo chasing that guy. 1.00

01:29:38.000 Oh, yeah.

01:29:38.000 It's a beautiful thing.

01:29:39.000 The internet's a beautiful thing in that respect.

01:29:41.000 Yeah.

01:29:42.000 You know, you said that picture, and we're talking about African stuff.

01:29:44.000 Have you seen those pictures?

01:29:45.000 I think it might have been Mogadishu.

01:29:47.000 Have you seen those pictures of these guys when they were chasing dudes with machetes? 1.00

01:29:52.000 Did you remember that shit? 1.00

01:29:53.000 There was like something going on. 1.00

01:29:55.000 I think it was Mogadishu years ago.

01:29:57.000 Is that the Hutsis? 0.96

01:29:58.000 It might have been that.

01:29:59.000 Yeah, it might have been that.

01:30:00.000 Yeah, that would be Rwanda then, yeah.

01:30:02.000 The Tutsis and the Hutus.

01:30:04.000 Yeah, whatever you're saying.

01:30:06.000 Yeah, Hotel Rwanda.

01:30:07.000 But it's crazy to see human beings chasing each other.

01:30:10.000 The dude was like straight up chasing.

01:30:12.000 They were chasing this one dude.

01:30:13.000 They had machetes in their hands. 1.00

01:30:15.000 And the first thought is like, holy shit. 1.00

01:30:18.000 Second thought is, this cameraman is nuts! 1.00

01:30:21.000 He's sitting there going, like, taking pictures of this shit, you know? 1.00

01:30:24.000 I'd be like, okay, I can tell the story. 1.00

01:30:26.000 I'm not going to fucking... 0.98

01:30:27.000 And then the third, it's just that poor guy. 1.00

01:30:29.000 They're going to catch him, and they're going to fucking chop him to pieces. 1.00

01:30:33.000 That is crazy. 1.00

01:30:35.000 Human beings are such assholes. 1.00

01:30:36.000 Well, especially in Africa, man. 1.00

01:30:38.000 There's a long history of that shit going on in Africa. 1.00

01:30:40.000 And whatever we're talking about, the Hutus and the Titsis, however you say it. 1.00

01:30:44.000 Somebody correct me.

01:30:45.000 Hutus. 0.98

01:30:45.000 I don't have internet. 0.98

01:30:46.000 Please, somebody on Twitter, correct me.

01:30:47.000 Yeah.

01:30:48.000 Those guys, one of the things about the horrors of that war is that they would go into a town and kill thousands of people with machetes.

01:30:56.000 Just chop them up and then they would pollute the river because they would throw so many bodies in the river that the water from the river would become undrinkable because it was rotten with human bodies. 0.92

01:31:07.000 It's a terrifying place. 0.99

01:31:08.000 Africa is so fucking wild. 0.99

01:31:12.000 To this day, in 2011, it's probably the wildest place on earth. 0.98

01:31:17.000 But just war in general, like they were talking about, they just caught one of these other Serbs, Serbian leaders.

01:31:23.000 Remember, there was Milosevic and then there was another guy that just caught, I forget his name, but they've got all these counts of human atrocities against them.

01:31:30.000 He was a general, I guess, and he would go into a town and they would capture the enemies and then they would say, he would say something like, you know, hey, it's all good, we just wanted to capture the town, so all the men, you guys can come out and we'll let you go.

01:31:43.000 And, like, the men would come out and they would get them out by, like, saying, like, it's all good. 0.95

01:31:48.000 And once they come out, like, they would massacre the men and then, like, they would rape the women. 0.93

01:31:51.000 I mean, it's just like, why do you got to do that? 0.99

01:31:53.000 It's like, you know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:31:54.000 It's old school Genghis Khan type shit. 1.00

01:31:56.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:31:57.000 People are just...

01:31:59.000 Hutus and the Tutsis. 0.98

01:32:00.000 Tutsis and the Hutus.

01:32:01.000 Great movie, Hotel Rwanda, by the way.

01:32:03.000 Thank you, Create Culture.

01:32:04.000 Yeah.

01:32:05.000 And Perry 411. Yeah.

01:32:07.000 And Frederick Lambert.

01:32:10.000 And Reed 3 Reed.

01:32:11.000 Hey, can I say a shout-out to my brother-in-law?

01:32:13.000 He loves the show.

01:32:14.000 P.D. P.D. Mani.

01:32:15.000 I don't know if he's listening right now or not.

01:32:16.000 P.D. Mani.

01:32:17.000 What's happening, brother?

01:32:18.000 P.D. Mani.

01:32:18.000 He loves the show, man.

01:32:19.000 He loves your show.

01:32:20.000 I was in Vancouver, and we came out of this steak restaurant.

01:32:23.000 I was with Bad Bobby and Savage Science from the Rogan Board.

01:32:26.000 And we stepped out of this steak restaurant, and as we stepped out, the guy goes, Hey!

01:32:30.000 And he puts his hand on my shoulder, and then he pulls off his earbuds and shows me his iPod, and he's listening to the podcast.

01:32:35.000 That's awesome.

01:32:36.000 Cool.

01:32:36.000 How cool is that?

01:32:37.000 It was ridiculous. 1.00

01:32:37.000 I was like, wow, that is fucking nuts, man. 1.00

01:32:40.000 That's a surreal moment, right? 0.99

01:32:41.000 It was so surreal.

01:32:42.000 It's like I heard Sting in an interview.

01:32:44.000 He said he knew he was starting to make it when he was at some meeting in some office in the high-rise.

01:32:49.000 I don't know if this is true or not, but he said he saw the guy outside clean the window, and the guy was singing Roxanne or something. 0.96

01:32:56.000 He was like, oh shit, I made it. 0.72

01:32:58.000 Well, once Eddie Murphy sang that in that movie, it just became... 0.99

01:33:03.000 I didn't even know about that song until I saw...

01:33:05.000 That movie, and Eddie Murphy was singing it in the movie.

01:33:07.000 Dude, as a kid, that might have been one of my favorite movie moments.

01:33:10.000 Because I went into that movie being a huge Eddie Murphy fan.

01:33:13.000 How could you not be?

01:33:14.000 And then when they introduced him like that, he basically lived up to everything you expected.

01:33:21.000 And then that movie just got better.

01:33:22.000 I watch that movie now. 0.72

01:33:24.000 When he goes into the bar, you best have yourself a black Russian. 1.00

01:33:29.000 There's a new sheriff in town.

01:33:30.000 His name is Richard Hammond.

01:33:32.000 It's so great, man.

01:33:33.000 Yeah, dude, he was the best.

01:33:34.000 No one was a better comedic actor in a movie than Eddie Murphy, in my opinion.

01:33:39.000 48 hours with him and Nick Nolte.

01:33:41.000 He just took over.

01:33:42.000 And it was the right amount of vulnerable, the right amount of badass and cocky, and the right amount of self-deprecating.

01:33:49.000 And he was like 22 at that point. 0.98

01:33:51.000 Yeah, ridiculous. 0.98

01:33:51.000 It was ridiculous. 0.98

01:33:52.000 And a killer stand-up, too. 0.99

01:33:54.000 Oh, my God.

01:33:55.000 It's almost a shame that he had all this...

01:33:58.000 Problems with trannies and what have you, where he doesn't want to go on stage anymore. 0.98

01:34:02.000 He doesn't want people to heckle him. 0.99

01:34:03.000 Because goddamn, at one point in time, if you go back and listen to his shit when he was like 19, he was a brilliant comedian at like 19 years old, man. 0.99

01:34:12.000 Yeah, he was very funny. 1.00

01:34:12.000 Actually, I rented some old videos, and there was a national competition, and they showed the top five winners. 1.00

01:34:20.000 And he was fifth place.

01:34:22.000 And everyone ahead of him, they're not allowed anymore.

01:34:26.000 They're gone.

01:34:27.000 Well, he doesn't even do comedy anymore.

01:34:28.000 That's the weird thing.

01:34:29.000 His brother does.

01:34:30.000 It's like Charlie's out there carrying on the family name.

01:34:33.000 It's funny, because when people ask me about how I got into comedy, I was in college, and I thought about doing it a few times, and I was always intimidated, because I'd done acting in plays, but I was always intimidated to get in front of an audience and talk about my point of view.

01:34:46.000 So I was in college and I saw these two guys and they were just horrible.

01:34:49.000 It was a comedy competition.

01:34:50.000 And so I told myself, the next time there's a competition, I'm just going to do it.

01:34:53.000 So I always tell people, I say, you know, you get inspired by greatness and mediocrity.

01:34:56.000 I was inspired by mediocrity.

01:34:58.000 And the funny thing is, just like maybe a year, year and a half ago, I'm at the comedy store in the original room on a Tuesday.

01:35:06.000 And I just came off like this big tour in Australia where I was like headlining in front of a lot of people.

01:35:11.000 And you know, it was like automatic.

01:35:12.000 I called on a Monday, just gave avails for every night.

01:35:15.000 And so I get a Tuesday night show.

01:35:17.000 So I go up and it's like, the crowd's not that great.

01:35:19.000 I'm not into it.

01:35:20.000 I'm like, I just got off the road doing, you know, 1,000 people in an hour, 20. And now I got to do 15 minutes.

01:35:27.000 I don't want to try anything new.

01:35:29.000 I was like, I don't even want to be here.

01:35:30.000 I was like, why did I do this?

01:35:31.000 I get on stage.

01:35:32.000 I'm just all over the place.

01:35:33.000 Nothing's really hitting.

01:35:34.000 The only person laughing is Johnny Zapp.

01:35:36.000 You know Johnny Zapp?

01:35:37.000 Yeah, sure.

01:35:38.000 And what's funny about Johnny Zapp is in the past, when I first became a regular at the comedy store, Johnny Zapp actually...

01:35:44.000 He watched the set one time and he started giving me tags.

01:35:47.000 And I didn't know who he was because he'll tell you, he's like, I was around when Richard Pryor was here, this and that.

01:35:51.000 So I thought he was like a genius of comedy.

01:35:53.000 So he gave me some tags.

01:35:56.000 And quickly I realized, I was like, no, this is a dude that hangs out. 0.80

01:35:59.000 He's crazy. 0.99

01:36:00.000 He's a crazy dude that hangs out. 0.99

01:36:01.000 Because then he started giving me the tags. 0.55

01:36:02.000 I was like, these are horrible tags.

01:36:05.000 And so I'm sitting on stage.

01:36:07.000 I'm kind of dying.

01:36:08.000 And Zap is the only one laughing.

01:36:10.000 And I'm like, thank you, Johnny.

01:36:11.000 And then I'm getting ready to get off stage.

01:36:14.000 And Steve burns the next comic.

01:36:15.000 And Steve always does a long, kind of jokey intro for me.

01:36:19.000 Who's next?

01:36:19.000 Maz Jobrani.

01:36:20.000 I don't know who that is.

01:36:21.000 Well, whatever.

01:36:22.000 This next guy, I'm not sure if you guys want to watch him.

01:36:24.000 He'll do like that.

01:36:25.000 So I start doing that to Steve.

01:36:26.000 And I'm just riffing a little bit.

01:36:27.000 And it's just getting like, this is a very mediocre set.

01:36:30.000 I'm walking off stage.

01:36:31.000 Zap waves me down.

01:36:33.000 It's a Tuesday night.

01:36:34.000 I'm like, oh, God, Zap's got a tag for me.

01:36:36.000 And he goes, hey, man, Eddie Murphy's here.

01:36:38.000 And I thought he was in the main room because Eddie Murphy's always in the main room.

01:36:42.000 So I thought he was like, oh, Eddie Murphy's in the main room.

01:36:44.000 I was like, so what?

01:36:45.000 So I started walking.

01:36:46.000 And as I'm walking, Eddie was sitting the whole set watching my set in Mitzi's seat.

01:36:51.000 You know Mitzi's seat?

01:36:52.000 I walked past Eddie.

01:36:54.000 I'm like, oh, my God, I just died in front of my comedy hero.

01:36:57.000 I walked down the steps.

01:36:59.000 I turn around waiting for my buddy who's coming to get me.

01:37:02.000 We're going to go to the Laugh Factory.

01:37:03.000 Eddie walks down in front of my buddy, gives me the quick little look, doesn't say anything, just keeps walking.

01:37:08.000 So in the back of my mind, the only saving grace is I'm thinking to myself, okay, he's going to make a comeback.

01:37:14.000 He's going to end up on The Tonight Show.

01:37:15.000 They're going to be like, what inspired you to come back?

01:37:17.000 And he'd be like, you know, I was watching this mediocre set one time.

01:37:20.000 I'm the reason he came back!

01:37:22.000 That would be awesome.

01:37:23.000 You brought Andy Murphy back!

01:37:24.000 That's how I roll, man.

01:37:25.000 You know, I was talking about this on the Kevin Smith Show about going on stage. 0.97

01:37:30.000 How some guys will just go on stage fearlessly, like Chris Rock will go on stage fearlessly with a batch of new material and just hash it out and see what the fuck happens.

01:37:39.000 And if it comes out, it comes out. 0.79

01:37:41.000 But it's so tough to bomb. 0.99

01:37:44.000 To bomb in front of a guy like Eddie Murphy must be just fucking terrible. 1.00

01:37:48.000 Oh my god. 0.99

01:37:48.000 Oh, and here's the funny thing. 0.99

01:37:51.000 Halfway through the set, I'm not kidding, it was a Tuesday night, because the whole time I'm going...

01:37:56.000 Just get it together and get through it and be funny.

01:37:58.000 And part of me is like, I'm all over the place, so my head's really not into it.

01:38:02.000 And I'm not even like...

01:38:03.000 Because sometimes I go up there and just go, I'm going to riff for five minutes for new material.

01:38:06.000 I just wasn't...

01:38:07.000 You know when you're up there, I'm like, why did I even put in? 0.97

01:38:09.000 So halfway through the set, I'm like, dude, get your shit together and make it a good set because somebody might be in the audience. 0.90

01:38:16.000 And I swear to God, the past 12 years I've been there, I have never had that thought. 0.97

01:38:21.000 And I thought to myself...

01:38:22.000 And then the other voice, the Comedy Store voice came in my head.

01:38:25.000 I was like... 0.99

01:38:26.000 Who the fuck's gonna be in this eye? 0.99

01:38:27.000 And who cares? 0.99

01:38:29.000 The whole point of the Comedy Store is to go with, who cares?

01:38:32.000 And so it was one of those, who cares?

01:38:35.000 Who could be in this audience that has any kind of influence?

01:38:37.000 An agent or something? 1.00

01:38:38.000 It's fucking Eddie Murphy. 0.99

01:38:39.000 People so don't realize, when you talk about the Comedy Store, I used to say when I lived in Boston, that that was Mecca. 0.99

01:38:46.000 I would hear about, like, Kinnison and Richard Pryor, and there was the comedy store in Hollywood.

01:38:51.000 But then you actually get there, and you realize, oh, this is an insane asylum, and no one's watching it. 0.88

01:38:56.000 No one's paying any attention, and that fucking mic is just turned on at one point in the night, and then there's no host, even. 0.96

01:39:02.000 The comedian's tag team. 0.98

01:39:03.000 There's no club in town that does that, by the way, where all the comedians just bring each other up. 0.98

01:39:08.000 No, there's a fucking host, like a professional show. 0.95

01:39:10.000 And the guy will go up, and he'll bring people up, and he'll do a little time in between, and he'll give you your intro and get it straight. 0.99

01:39:15.000 No, there's no fucking get your intros straight at the store. 0.73

01:39:18.000 No, not at all. 0.98

01:39:20.000 I'll be honest, because that's where I actually grew as a comedy.

01:39:23.000 I'd done one year of comedy, and then I became a regular comedy store.

01:39:27.000 And it was great because there was no pressure. 0.99

01:39:30.000 It was like, I got used to shit crowds. 0.98

01:39:33.000 That was what was weird when I started performing at the Laugh Factory, and there was real crowds. 0.99

01:39:37.000 And I was like, oh my god!

01:39:39.000 People are so nice at the improv. 1.00

01:39:40.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:39:41.000 Yeah, it's so weird. 1.00

01:39:42.000 And it's weird seeing guys who started in town and started at one of the clubs with audiences.

01:39:47.000 I actually saw a couple of comics one time.

01:39:49.000 I saw this at the Laugh Factory.

01:39:51.000 One comic go like, oh, I'm not going after so-and-so.

01:39:54.000 And I was like, oh, that's an option?

01:39:57.000 I didn't realize that's an option.

01:39:58.000 At the store, I mean, how many times did Mitzi shove you on after some killer? 1.00

01:40:03.000 Dude.

01:40:03.000 Some Martin Lawrence-type character.

01:40:04.000 Someone would go up and destroy.

01:40:06.000 There you go, Maz.

01:40:07.000 And also what happened, like...

01:40:10.000 The weirdest one I had was one time it was one of these thin nights, not much of an audience.

01:40:15.000 Dice does a stop in.

01:40:16.000 He's going to do like an hour.

01:40:18.000 And the crowd, it's a thin crowd, but it's his crowd.

01:40:22.000 They start loving him. 0.99

01:40:23.000 And I'm trying to work on, it was kind of towards the Iraq war, and I'm trying to work on some anti-war shit, political shit. 1.00

01:40:31.000 And he's doing like, you know, fuck ass and fuck this and fuck this. 1.00

01:40:35.000 Fucking ass! 1.00

01:40:36.000 Yeah, and he's doing it, doing it, doing it, and they're loving him, and then it was weird. 1.00

01:40:39.000 He does one joke, and somehow there was feedback on the mic, and he just looks at the mic for a second, then he looks at the audience, he drops the mic, and he walks off.

01:40:51.000 And the piano player is not there.

01:40:53.000 There's no one there.

01:40:54.000 Like you said, no one is running the asylum.

01:40:56.000 And nobody even said, like, who's next?

01:40:58.000 It's just dead.

01:40:59.000 And the audience is kind of like, that's weird.

01:41:01.000 And no one's there.

01:41:02.000 So I'm like, I'm next.

01:41:03.000 I gotta go up.

01:41:04.000 So I had to go up on stage and be like, hey, how you guys doing?

01:41:07.000 I'm Maz Jobrani. 0.99

01:41:08.000 Nobody knew who the fuck I was. 0.99

01:41:10.000 And that just makes you tough. 0.99

01:41:12.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:41:14.000 My hardest sets were following Dice.

01:41:16.000 I had a bunch of hard sets following Dice.

01:41:18.000 Following Dice, following Martin Lawrence, following Menstelia, following Richard Pryor when Richard Pryor was still doing stand-up. 0.99

01:41:26.000 Shit. 0.99

01:41:27.000 Yeah, those were weird times. 1.00

01:41:29.000 But Mitzi was always real smart about that. 1.00

01:41:30.000 If she thought you were any good, she wasn't going to give you an easy spot.

01:41:33.000 If she thought you were decent and you had a spark in you, she would throw you on in the worst position possible.

01:41:39.000 What is it, a black show?

01:41:40.000 Yeah, put them on after Martin Lawrence.

01:41:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:45.000 And she would think it's funny knowing that you get...

01:41:47.000 I think that would be fun.

01:41:48.000 I think that would be the best challenges of just being able to try that.

01:41:53.000 It is.

01:41:54.000 After it's over...

01:41:55.000 Yeah.

01:41:56.000 Here's the thing. 0.99

01:41:57.000 Sometimes it works well if you go in there with, like, I'm fucked mentality. 0.99

01:42:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:42:03.000 If you ride the wave, though. 0.99

01:42:04.000 Like, one time I did.

01:42:05.000 One time they were doing something in the main room.

01:42:08.000 It was the Black Film Festival.

01:42:11.000 And they had a comedy show.

01:42:13.000 And it was supposed to be headlined by Eddie Griffin.

01:42:14.000 So people had actually come expecting Eddie.

01:42:17.000 And Eddie walked in and saw that they'd sold tickets. 0.97

01:42:20.000 And he's like, I'm not getting paid or some shit. 0.80

01:42:22.000 He got upset about something. 0.93

01:42:23.000 He's like, I'm not going up.

01:42:25.000 So then someone came to me and they're like, hey, we need you to get in there.

01:42:30.000 To close out the show.

01:42:31.000 So they were expecting Eddie Griffin.

01:42:33.000 And I walk up.

01:42:34.000 And it was so funny because everyone just got up and started walking out.

01:42:37.000 And there was one table that hung out.

01:42:38.000 And literally, I was so defeated at the top that I was like, thanks for hanging out.

01:42:44.000 I said, I feel like I'm the rolling credits at the end of the film.

01:42:48.000 I said, that's what it feels like.

01:42:49.000 For the film festival.

01:42:50.000 And people were just leaving.

01:42:51.000 And that one table was with me because it was all self-deprecating material because it was like, you know, what am I doing here?

01:42:56.000 And it was like 15, 20 minutes of that.

01:42:58.000 And you live.

01:42:59.000 Sometimes, though, if you go into that situation where it's still kind of a hot crowd and then you go in and now you got to perform and it's like they get, you know, they're not laughing and then you try some crowd work and it's not working.

01:43:13.000 I had that on a Mo' Better Mondays at the improv one time.

01:43:16.000 And it was funny because I'd gotten good...

01:43:18.000 Because I did Friday After Next.

01:43:20.000 So I had some street cred in the Brack community.

01:43:25.000 And there's a Holy Moly donut shop, this character in the movie.

01:43:31.000 So I'd been doing...

01:43:32.000 I did Chocolate Sundaes.

01:43:34.000 I did the Comedy Store one.

01:43:35.000 And then I overheard a few people talking about how Mo' Better Mondays was one of the toughest black rooms.

01:43:40.000 I was like, how tough could it be? 0.99

01:43:42.000 And I'm getting ready to go on and this one other comic was like, hey man, you got your shit together? 0.98

01:43:46.000 And Tripoli was there too. 0.97

01:43:47.000 He's like, listen bro, just hang in there. 0.97

01:43:49.000 And I went up there and I ate so much shit because it was this like, it was a crowd because you go in there, it was early in the show and you're expected to be a good crowd. 0.97

01:44:00.000 And it's one of those things where you get a couple of laughs, and you hear the pin drop kind of thing, and then you try another joke, and it's not working. 0.99

01:44:06.000 Then you try some crowd work, and it's not working.

01:44:09.000 And then you start going against your own instincts. 0.99

01:44:10.000 So your instinct's like, okay, attack the chick wearing the pink, whatever, the pink fucking antennas for whatever. 0.99

01:44:20.000 Attack the dude in the purple leather suit. 0.99

01:44:22.000 It's just funny. 1.00

01:44:24.000 But then you're like, no, they're going to kick your ass. 1.00

01:44:27.000 And then you just go into like... 1.00

01:44:30.000 Give me that light, man.

01:44:31.000 It's hard to pick on someone when you're bombing.

01:44:33.000 Oh, my God.

01:44:34.000 You're bombing.

01:44:34.000 You don't feel confident to pick on someone.

01:44:36.000 Oh, yeah.

01:44:37.000 Oh, whoa.

01:44:37.000 It's the worst.

01:44:39.000 Bombing in a black crowd is really hard, too, because it's very hard to pull yourself out. 1.00

01:44:43.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:44:43.000 Once it goes down, white crowds will give you some room. 1.00

01:44:45.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:44:45.000 But black crowds are like, next. 0.97

01:44:47.000 Yeah. 0.92

01:44:48.000 Oh, yeah.

01:44:48.000 CK has a great story about bombing on MoBeta Mondays.

01:44:51.000 That he went up and he realized that there was no recovering.

01:44:54.000 They didn't want you to recover.

01:44:56.000 He tried out a joke and it didn't work.

01:45:00.000 And that was it.

01:45:01.000 They were like, next, get off. 1.00

01:45:03.000 Wait a minute, I could try some other shit. 1.00

01:45:05.000 Nope, get out of here. 0.99

01:45:06.000 Come on, guys.

01:45:08.000 But I think it's good to do a room like that where people have no problem with booing you off the stage real quick.

01:45:17.000 It's not the best thing to do all the time.

01:45:19.000 But every now and then, it's good as a little reality check. 1.00

01:45:22.000 Your shit better be tight, son. 1.00

01:45:24.000 Better come out that gate swinging. 1.00

01:45:26.000 And the most important thing is the first bit.

01:45:29.000 That first bit's got to be strong.

01:45:30.000 Oh, hell yeah. 0.99

01:45:31.000 You might even want to open with your closer if it's possible, if you don't need to set that bitch up with your personality beforehand. 1.00

01:45:37.000 Yeah, you're right. 0.98

01:45:38.000 But the other good thing that you learn when you do that, because I remember learning this early on, I was like, never believe the hype, because sometimes you'll kill and you're like, I am God!

01:45:48.000 And then sometimes you die, and you're depressed.

01:45:50.000 But I was like, you can never go with... 0.99

01:45:52.000 The good thing about these lessons on those things is to go, listen, man, my shit's funny. 0.99

01:45:57.000 They didn't work tonight, but that's a funny joke. 0.98

01:46:00.000 That's a funny joke.

01:46:01.000 I've had sets before where...

01:46:02.000 And usually it happens in the comic store original room where it's not an all-black crowd.

01:46:06.000 It's like this crowd of...

01:46:08.000 A few Norwegians, a couple of Aussies, a couple of LA hipsters.

01:46:13.000 It's all this mixed crowd.

01:46:15.000 And I'm having a blast.

01:46:17.000 And they're not laughing.

01:46:18.000 And I've seen comedians be like, you guys don't get it.

01:46:20.000 But I don't even go to the...

01:46:21.000 You don't get it.

01:46:21.000 I just go like, guys, that was a funny...

01:46:24.000 I'm kind of like, you guys don't want to be on the ride.

01:46:27.000 That's fine.

01:46:27.000 I think that was funny.

01:46:28.000 And I know I'm funny. 1.00

01:46:29.000 So fuck you guys. 1.00

01:46:31.000 I got another eight minutes and I'm done. 1.00

01:46:33.000 Yeah.

01:46:33.000 Well, you know, the problem with comedy, I've always said, is that it's just called comedy.

01:46:37.000 And it's not like you never go to a club to see live music.

01:46:40.000 And it says live music, and you don't know if you're going to get a rap band, or if you're going to get fucking Guns N' Roses, or classical music.

01:46:47.000 It's very clear. 0.85

01:46:48.000 You know what you're going to go to.

01:46:49.000 When you go to a blues club, you're going to get some blues.

01:46:51.000 But when you go to a comedy club, man, you can get anything.

01:46:54.000 You can get...

01:46:55.000 Maz Javrani, you can get Dane Cook, you can get this guy, you can get that guy.

01:46:59.000 Everyone's got a different taste and some people might love Judah Freelander and some people might hate him and love Tracy Morgan.

01:47:08.000 It's all so subjective, man.

01:47:10.000 You gotta find your audience.

01:47:12.000 But one of the beautiful things about showing up places where it's not your audience, just showing up on some random night at a At the improv is that you can't stack the deck. 0.84

01:47:20.000 So you have to make some people laugh that don't even fucking know you. 0.89

01:47:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:23.000 Don't know your shit. 1.00

01:47:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:24.000 So I'm sure now you must get these huge crowds of people who know Maz Jobrani so they come out to see you. 1.00

01:47:30.000 Yeah.

01:47:30.000 You know?

01:47:30.000 But I think every now and then you got to go in front of some shit.

01:47:33.000 I love... 1.00

01:47:33.000 Actually, I love... 1.00

01:47:34.000 Like, I always say, like, I don't like to be in front of everyone that knows me. 0.99

01:47:38.000 One reason is you feel like, okay, they might have heard a lot of this shit. 0.99

01:47:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:47:42.000 Even if it's new, now with the internet, it's gone.

01:47:44.000 Yep.

01:47:45.000 And secondly, I love...

01:47:47.000 I just love...

01:47:47.000 Like, for example, one thing that happens with my audience is like...

01:47:50.000 What happened was...

01:47:51.000 When we first did the Acts of the Evil comedy tour...

01:47:53.000 Came out on Comedy Central...

01:47:54.000 And a lot of young, like, Middle Easterners started following us.

01:47:58.000 But then they started bringing their parents...

01:48:00.000 Growing up in the Middle Eastern community, you don't go too blue.

01:48:05.000 You've got to be nice and polite.

01:48:07.000 You can get a little edgy, but don't cuss.

01:48:10.000 There's a whole thing.

01:48:11.000 For the longest time with my mom, it was instilled in me, don't cuss.

01:48:16.000 Definitely not around.

01:48:17.000 You know, Persians, you're not going to cuss.

01:48:19.000 How much do you cuss on stage ever? 1.00

01:48:20.000 I don't cuss much. 0.95

01:48:21.000 I cuss a little bit, but I actually, what's funny is, I like now what I do is, if I make a reference to something, like there's a joke I do where I mention masturbation. 0.98

01:48:30.000 I actually make fun of, that's why I love having a mixed audience, because I'll look at the white guy in the audience, I go, hey Mike, right now, There's a table of Persians going, Oh my God, he said masturbation! 0.98

01:48:42.000 You know, I brought my mother. 0.99

01:48:43.000 She doesn't speak English. 0.89

01:48:45.000 Now I have to translate masturbation into Farsi. 0.95

01:48:47.000 So I riff on what they're thinking. 0.75

01:48:50.000 And inevitably, there's always like this one table that's dying of laughter. 1.00

01:48:54.000 And I've had people come up after the show and be like, Dude, I was here with my mom when you were saying that shit. 0.99

01:48:58.000 It was totally true. 0.99

01:48:59.000 And the mother's totally cool with it. 1.00

01:49:00.000 I had this recently at the Tampa Improv.

01:49:04.000 I was doing it.

01:49:05.000 And there was literally this old, very like...

01:49:08.000 Distinguished, sweet, older lady that was the mother of this other lady. 1.00

01:49:12.000 So the other lady was like my mom's age. 1.00

01:49:14.000 The mother was like a grandmother's age. 0.98

01:49:17.000 And I said masturbation. 0.99

01:49:18.000 I did the riff. 0.98

01:49:19.000 And the funny part of the whole thing was, as I was doing the riff, the mother was leaning into the grandmother, translating everything. 0.93

01:49:28.000 And I was like, holy shit, it's actually happening. 0.83

01:49:30.000 And the crowd loved it because I was making fun of it, but it was actually happening. 0.98

01:49:33.000 Oh, that's funny.

01:49:34.000 Yeah.

01:49:34.000 That's funny.

01:49:35.000 Where do you like performing the best?

01:49:39.000 I still love the original room just for creativity purposes.

01:49:45.000 And then what Jamie did with that Tuesday night thing.

01:49:49.000 We all love killing in front of our audiences.

01:49:52.000 Some of the cities I love, DC is one of my favorite cities.

01:49:55.000 First of all, one of the things I love about DC, it's very international. 0.99

01:49:58.000 Secondly, everyone in DC is doing shit. 0.98

01:50:01.000 Whenever I spend a couple days in D.C., you meet people like, hey, where do you work? 1.00

01:50:04.000 He's like, I work at state.

01:50:05.000 Oh, what's the state department?

01:50:07.000 Oh, okay, cool.

01:50:07.000 What do you do?

01:50:08.000 I work at the agency.

01:50:09.000 Agency?

01:50:09.000 CIA? People are actually doing, and I would say when I went there.

01:50:12.000 Creepy.

01:50:13.000 No, it was a trip.

01:50:14.000 I would hate that.

01:50:16.000 Dude, It's awesome.

01:50:18.000 It's the craziest thing.

01:50:19.000 I was there recently.

01:50:21.000 I was like, what's great about you guys is if I'm in LA, I'd be like, what are you doing?

01:50:24.000 I'm working on a movie about a spy who goes to South America to overthrow the government.

01:50:30.000 I go, when you come to DC, you go, what are you doing?

01:50:32.000 I'm a spy who's going to go to South America to overthrow. 1.00

01:50:36.000 You meet people that are doing shit. 0.99

01:50:40.000 I remember one time, actually I had a moment, I remember I was there, it was right at the time, right in the heart of the Bush administration. 0.99

01:50:48.000 I remember Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, remember him?

01:50:52.000 He was the first guy.

01:50:53.000 And you see him on TV, and he's a talking head, he's an older dude.

01:50:56.000 I was outside this fancy restaurant in D.C., and he's sitting there talking to this attractive young girl, kind of like you could tell his body language was all flirty, you know?

01:51:05.000 And he was a big dude, too. 0.99

01:51:07.000 And I was like, this guy's just trying to get pussy like everyone else. 1.00

01:51:11.000 I was like, he's the head of Homeland Security. 0.99

01:51:13.000 He's probably like, hey, you want to see the tear alert go to orange?

01:51:17.000 Come here, baby.

01:51:18.000 You want to see the red button?

01:51:20.000 That's hilarious.

01:51:21.000 But you see those kinds of guys when you're out there.

01:51:23.000 As opposed to LA. As opposed to anywhere.

01:51:25.000 You don't see that.

01:51:27.000 Do you need to live out here still?

01:51:29.000 Because you're doing most of your work is on the road, right?

01:51:31.000 Yeah, most of my work is on the road.

01:51:32.000 Listen, I love LA in that my family's here, a lot of my friends are here, and weather-wise, you know how it is.

01:51:38.000 When you travel around the world, you come back.

01:51:39.000 I was in Norway, and you land at negative three with a windshield factor.

01:51:48.000 It's negative 15, or even Chicago, which is a great city. 1.00

01:51:52.000 But in December, it's a motherfucker. 1.00

01:51:53.000 I'm like, what is wrong with you? 0.99

01:51:55.000 And the beauty of LA, I always say the great thing about LA is it's so close to so many great places.

01:51:59.000 I grew up in the Bay Area, so I love going up to the Bay.

01:52:01.000 You go to Santa Barbara, you go to Vegas, you go to San Diego.

01:52:05.000 Everything's close by.

01:52:06.000 Yeah, LA's an amazing city.

01:52:07.000 It's just overpopulated.

01:52:09.000 Oh yeah.

01:52:09.000 If we didn't live in LA though, it'd probably be so much more enticing.

01:52:12.000 I always say that when I'm driving around.

01:52:14.000 God, if I didn't live here, I'd probably appreciate this more.

01:52:17.000 Yeah.

01:52:17.000 I'd probably be like, wow, what an incredible place.

01:52:19.000 I should live in LA. There's a great amount of shitheads in this city, but it's just because of the numbers. 0.99

01:52:26.000 The numbers are so high. 0.99

01:52:28.000 You know what?

01:52:28.000 It's funny.

01:52:29.000 Whenever I go to New York, I love New York in terms of it's like a playground for adults.

01:52:33.000 You just jump in a cab, you go to the next restaurant, you go to the next club, you go all night.

01:52:37.000 I wouldn't want to live there.

01:52:39.000 I'd always thought I wanted to live there, and then I did two projects out there where I was there for four months at a time.

01:52:45.000 And it was like, I got an apartment at the corner of Houston 6th, which is like the heart of the village.

01:52:50.000 I was like, this is the best place.

01:52:52.000 Dude, from 7am till 3am every day, it was like noise outside.

01:52:57.000 It was just so like cars honking and construction.

01:53:01.000 And I was like, you know, New York I think is good if you're in your 20s and you got your buddies and you're all making some money.

01:53:07.000 And you just want to run around.

01:53:09.000 I guess the ratio of women to men is like, I don't know, it's like 55 to 45 or something.

01:53:14.000 Really?

01:53:14.000 A lot more women than men and there's a lot of models walking around New York.

01:53:17.000 It's the same, son.

01:53:18.000 How about that?

01:53:19.000 Yes, son.

01:53:19.000 If I had like Boku, Howard Stern type cash flow, I would be into living in Manhattan with some sort of apartment that overlooks Central Park or something like that.

01:53:31.000 If you've got Madonna money and you can get one of those crazy $20 million apartments.

01:53:37.000 Because I've seen some online.

01:53:38.000 Some people put some up on my message board as well.

01:53:40.000 And there was one that had a corner building.

01:53:43.000 It was a corner apartment with insane views of the city.

01:53:47.000 That's some of the most beautiful things. 0.96

01:53:50.000 When you look at a real cityscape and it's lit at night, it's fucking amazing.

01:53:56.000 I just think that the numbers of people when you're in a place like Manhattan...

01:54:00.000 All the influence they have over you, all the people around you all the time, I just don't think you can have real peace there.

01:54:06.000 I don't think you can relax.

01:54:07.000 Well, that's what's crazy is when I was living there on those stints, I remember coming home one weekend and we have a house here and I remember hearing a bird chirping outside.

01:54:15.000 I was like, I have not heard a bird chirp.

01:54:17.000 Except for your... 0.99

01:54:18.000 What the fuck was that? 1.00

01:54:19.000 He brought a bird chirping. 0.99

01:54:20.000 He's got the alarm, the bird chirper that chirps different noises.

01:54:25.000 No, but New York is great to visit and party and stuff.

01:54:28.000 It goes back to the weather.

01:54:30.000 I've had the craziest experiences in New York where I'm like, oh, it's a sunny day.

01:54:34.000 I walk into a meeting.

01:54:35.000 I walk out and it's pouring rain.

01:54:37.000 I'm like, what the hell happened?

01:54:38.000 And it's hot and humid.

01:54:40.000 That's most of the world.

01:54:41.000 Most of the world has to deal with weather.

01:54:43.000 We don't have to deal with weather.

01:54:44.000 We just have to deal with the once a decade or two, the world moves.

01:54:48.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:54:49.000 And shit falls down. 0.99

01:54:50.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:54:50.000 They just sold the Father of the Bride house. 1.00

01:54:52.000 I don't even remember the movie Father of the Bride, but there's this huge, really nice house.

01:54:56.000 Who was in that movie?

01:54:58.000 Steve Martin, you know, and he was like the father of the bride.

01:55:01.000 And Rick Moran, as I think might have been, or something like that.

01:55:04.000 But I just saw that house on some website the other day for sale and I was like, that would be the most ideal house in California because it was actually picked for the movie because of how wholesome and nice it looked.

01:55:16.000 Where was it?

01:55:17.000 Was it in Malibu?

01:55:17.000 I want to say it was like in...

01:55:20.000 Something like Pasadena or something weird.

01:55:22.000 That's the one where Martin Shore plays like a gay wedding director. 0.98

01:55:24.000 Yeah, gay wedding director. 0.97

01:55:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.97

01:55:26.000 Like a German gay wedding. 0.94

01:55:27.000 He's actually very funny.

01:55:28.000 When I was leaving Kevin Smith's place today, I did his podcast this morning, and when I was leaving his place, they had one of those tours where there's like a bus that doesn't have a top to it.

01:55:38.000 Oh, yeah.

01:55:39.000 People are out in the open air, and there's star sightings, and they're driving through the Hollywood Hills pointing out celebrities' houses. 0.99

01:55:46.000 How fucked is that, man? 0.99

01:55:47.000 That is weird. 1.00

01:55:48.000 They show people where you sleep.

01:55:49.000 That's weird.

01:55:50.000 Yeah.

01:55:51.000 That's weird in general.

01:55:52.000 I don't know.

01:55:53.000 I've done a few tours in my life, even if it's at a museum.

01:55:58.000 I get so bored so fast.

01:56:00.000 I'm like, I don't need to spend an hour for you to tell me about this painting and the painter. 0.97

01:56:04.000 I'll just read five minutes and move on, much less sit in the fucking van and be like, oh, Kevin Smith so-and-so lives here. 0.99

01:56:11.000 I'm like, get me off this fucking bus. 0.99

01:56:12.000 For some people, man, meeting celebrities is very important. 0.99

01:56:15.000 It's weird.

01:56:16.000 Very excited about it.

01:56:17.000 It's weird. 0.99

01:56:18.000 You must be fucking huge in the Persian community. 0.98

01:56:21.000 How big are you? 0.99

01:56:22.000 It's weird.

01:56:24.000 The Persian community knows me as a celebrity.

01:56:28.000 It's actually funny.

01:56:30.000 I was at LAX two days ago and had all these flight problems.

01:56:35.000 We're running around from Southwest trying to get to American Airlines and coming back.

01:56:39.000 I got the Google alerts.

01:56:42.000 If you ever get mentioned in something, it sends you.

01:56:45.000 I got the Google alert, and it was like, celebrity spotting.

01:56:48.000 I was like, huh?

01:56:49.000 I look it up, and it's so funny.

01:56:51.000 Somebody was like, Maz Jobrani spotted at LAX. What was even funnier, though, is Justin Bieber has 10,000 celebrity spottings.

01:57:01.000 I got two celebrity spottings.

01:57:04.000 Hey, I'm working my way slowly.

01:57:06.000 Persians that are spotting you.

01:57:08.000 Actually, you know what's funny?

01:57:09.000 This happened too.

01:57:09.000 This was the weird one one time.

01:57:12.000 Aaron Cater and I had just done a gig in Jordan of all places.

01:57:15.000 Whoa.

01:57:15.000 And we flew back.

01:57:17.000 What is that like?

01:57:18.000 It was actually really cool.

01:57:19.000 The first time we ever did Jordan was, again, with me, Ahmed, and Aaron.

01:57:23.000 We went and did the Excess of Evil comedy tour out in the Middle East.

01:57:26.000 We did five countries.

01:57:27.000 We did like 27 shows, 30 days, all sold out.

01:57:30.000 It was like big fish in a small pond.

01:57:32.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:57:32.000 Are you allowed to talk about anything?

01:57:34.000 Well, some countries, like Lebanon, they go talk about whatever you want.

01:57:38.000 Because the Lebanese, they're very liberal.

01:57:41.000 Beirut, first of all, is one of the most amazing cities in the world.

01:57:44.000 You gotta go check it out.

01:57:44.000 It's amazing.

01:57:45.000 It's like, the nightlife is crazy.

01:57:47.000 There's no rules or regulations.

01:57:49.000 The women are all beautiful. 1.00

01:57:52.000 The food is delicious.

01:57:55.000 And then you've got that bazaar.

01:57:57.000 You can go check out the bazaar kind of thing.

01:57:59.000 And then you can go out into the mountains.

01:58:00.000 I mean, it's just amazing.

01:58:01.000 I've had a great time every time I've gone to Beirut.

01:58:03.000 And you can swear on stage.

01:58:04.000 Swear, do whatever you want.

01:58:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:58:06.000 So that's Beirut.

01:58:07.000 Then you've got the other countries where a lot of times the promoters will say, no sex, no religion, no politics.

01:58:11.000 Oh, my God.

01:58:12.000 Yeah, you're like, well, now I'm stuck.

01:58:13.000 They say that right before you go on stage?

01:58:15.000 Yeah.

01:58:16.000 Well, the funny thing is when they say no politics, that means no local politics.

01:58:20.000 And thank God I don't know much about the local politics. 1.00

01:58:22.000 And I'm not about to challenge the Sheikh of Dubai with some stupid shit. 1.00

01:58:28.000 Are you allowed to make fun of America? 1.00

01:58:30.000 No.

01:58:30.000 You can make fun of America.

01:58:31.000 I can make fun of Iran. 1.00

01:58:32.000 I used to make fun of the president of Iran.

01:58:33.000 They loved it.

01:58:34.000 If you make fun of their neighboring country, they're like, that is hilarious. 1.00

01:58:37.000 I don't like that either.

01:58:40.000 They love that.

01:58:41.000 How close is the government of Iran to being overthrown?

01:58:45.000 That's a tough call, man.

01:58:47.000 It's interesting because I love politics anyway, so I read up on it a lot.

01:58:53.000 And there's so many different analysts.

01:58:55.000 And it's like, what it is in Iran right now, it's over 75, maybe 80 million people.

01:58:59.000 And there's a lot of young people, like a majority of young people.

01:59:03.000 And they have the internet and they want a modern way of life.

01:59:05.000 They want a modern way of life.

01:59:06.000 But the problem is, and somebody pointed this out, they were saying when the Iranian revolution happened under the Shah, a lot of the people that were in the leadership position under the Shah had been Western educated.

01:59:17.000 And this guy made a good point.

01:59:18.000 He goes, so when the revolution happened, they had the money and they're like, screw it, we're out of here.

01:59:22.000 They went to France, they went to London, they came to America, lived their life, they're all good.

01:59:26.000 The people that are running the country now are not Western-educated.

01:59:30.000 They've been part of this revolution, you know, this is 79, and they, you know, so they got nowhere to go.

01:59:35.000 And when the Ayatollah took over, that was all U.S.-backed, right?

01:59:40.000 Like, there was an issue with the Shah...

01:59:42.000 Where the United States was at a disagreement with the Shah, so they backed the Ayatollah and got him into position.

01:59:47.000 Listen, there's conspiracy theories in the sort.

01:59:48.000 But I think, I mean, a big part of it, you could go back and trace it to actually a movement happening that was an internal movement.

01:59:55.000 Because what happened was the Shah, okay, the Shah westernized the country a lot. 0.83

01:59:59.000 And had a lot of progress for the country.

02:00:02.000 Nonetheless, under the Shah, as under any dictator in the Middle East, there was still a lot of people being persecuted.

02:00:09.000 Opposition was frowned upon.

02:00:12.000 And you had different parties.

02:00:14.000 You had the monarchists.

02:00:16.000 Then you had the nationalists.

02:00:18.000 Then you had the socialists.

02:00:19.000 Then you had the communists.

02:00:20.000 Then you had the religious, the Islamists. 0.96

02:00:23.000 So you had all these different parties.

02:00:24.000 And anytime anyone would say anything or criticize the Shah...

02:00:28.000 Some dude would disappear.

02:00:30.000 There was the Savak, which was the secret police.

02:00:33.000 So there's all kinds of intellectuals that would criticize him and disappear.

02:00:38.000 And so there was that going on.

02:00:41.000 And so eventually what happened, Khomeini's history goes that he was actually exiled.

02:00:46.000 I like how you said that, by the way.

02:00:47.000 Khomeini.

02:00:48.000 Khomeini, yeah.

02:00:49.000 Khomeini. 1.00

02:00:49.000 That shit was legit. 1.00

02:00:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:50.000 I'm trying to get my son to learn Farsi. 1.00

02:00:52.000 It's the funniest thing seeing this kid.

02:00:53.000 He's got like an American accent already.

02:00:55.000 And he's three, right?

02:00:55.000 Yeah, he's three.

02:00:56.000 He'd be like, Khomeini. 0.99

02:00:56.000 He fucks it up. 0.99

02:00:58.000 Anyway, so Khomeini had been exiled to Iraq. 0.98

02:01:03.000 And he was getting, back then, it was kind of like the Twitter of today.

02:01:08.000 He would sneak his sermons back into Iran with tape cassettes.

02:01:14.000 So all these other religious guys, there's a city named Qom, which is a religious city in Iran.

02:01:20.000 They were all getting his sermons, and he was criticizing the Shah from outside of Iran.

02:01:24.000 You can do that from outside, but you can't do it from inside.

02:01:27.000 So he was doing it from outside, and basically what happened was...

02:01:30.000 There was all these different oppositions to the Shah and discontent was growing and protests were growing and so these guys all kind of banded together and what they would do is it was very similar to the protests that were happening during the Green Movement in 2009 where people would be out protesting and then the government would shoot into the crowds and kill some people.

02:01:48.000 And in the Muslim Shiite religion, like once someone's killed, like something like seven days after something, there's like a mourning day.

02:01:55.000 So they all go out and they mourn.

02:01:56.000 So these guys would be mourning and the Shah's police would show up and shoot some more. 0.99

02:02:01.000 And it just grew and grew and grew.

02:02:03.000 So the protests were originally like...

02:02:06.000 One faction, but then it became more factions.

02:02:09.000 And then you got to a point where you had lawyers and doctors protesting in the streets of Iran, people that should be supporting the regime.

02:02:16.000 And then you had the bazaaries.

02:02:18.000 The bazaar is the economy.

02:02:21.000 These guys shut down the economy.

02:02:22.000 The oil company went on strike. 1.00

02:02:24.000 So all this shit came together. 1.00

02:02:26.000 And then it caused for the revolution to happen. 1.00

02:02:29.000 And I have a friend of mine who was young back then.

02:02:31.000 He said what was interesting.

02:02:32.000 He goes...

02:02:33.000 When the Shah left, he goes, for the first few days in Iran, it was total euphoria because everyone was like, we got rid of America. 0.50

02:02:41.000 We got rid of this influence.

02:02:43.000 And he goes, what was weird, though, was because for the protests, all these factions were working together.

02:02:48.000 He goes, now...

02:02:50.000 One guy would be like, hey, we did it, brother.

02:02:52.000 And the other guy would be like, yeah, we did do it, comrade.

02:02:54.000 He'd be like, wait a minute.

02:02:55.000 Brother, he's an Islamist comrade.

02:02:57.000 I'm a communist.

02:02:58.000 And then they would start turning on each other. 1.00

02:03:00.000 And then the shit started turning. 1.00

02:03:02.000 And then the Islamists took over. 1.00

02:03:03.000 And now we're in the shit we're in. 0.97

02:03:05.000 But all that stuff, by the way, and a lot of people have talked about this, a lot of this stuff did happen, like in 53, there was a democratically elected government, the guy was named Mossadegh, and the U.S., actually the CIA has written their story of how they did a coup d'etat of the democratically elected leader in Iran. 0.97

02:03:26.000 They overthrew him and put the Shah in. 0.99

02:03:28.000 And so whenever any American, whenever we talk about wars and stuff, and they're like, we're just trying to bring democracy, I'm like, motherfucker, there was democracy. 0.99

02:03:35.000 And we overthrew it. 0.99

02:03:36.000 You've got to read your history, you know?

02:03:39.000 It's a fascinating time that we live in when people talk about going to war with Iran, too.

02:03:44.000 You know, when they're talking about disarming them, if they continue with their nuclear program.

02:03:48.000 Oh, yeah.

02:03:49.000 Strange times, you know?

02:03:51.000 Yeah, well, Israel is like, I mean, they say, like, if these guys...

02:03:55.000 I mean, and the Israelis did that to the Iraqi, to one of the Iraqi facilities back in the day, where they infiltrated and they bombed it.

02:04:03.000 Yeah.

02:04:04.000 But I guess...

02:04:05.000 Have you ever listened to George Galloway speak?

02:04:08.000 No.

02:04:09.000 I've heard his name.

02:04:11.000 He's a British MP. You've got to listen.

02:04:12.000 The guy's really...

02:04:13.000 He's actually very well educated, and he makes some good arguments, and it's almost like...

02:04:18.000 It's funny how he...

02:04:19.000 I've seen him get in debates with TV commentators on Sky TV. He just annihilates them.

02:04:28.000 What's his name again?

02:04:28.000 George Galloway.

02:04:30.000 There was...

02:04:31.000 So he was talking about...

02:04:32.000 I think it was him that was talking about...

02:04:34.000 Somebody came on.

02:04:35.000 He was talking about this whole...

02:04:36.000 Possibly doing strategic bombings.

02:04:40.000 What's it called?

02:04:41.000 Surgical bombings?

02:04:42.000 Right.

02:04:42.000 And he was like...

02:04:43.000 Iran is a... 0.99

02:04:45.000 Some of these cities are densely populated cities.

02:04:47.000 And he's like...

02:04:47.000 Some of these...

02:04:48.000 Facilities are in bunkers that are miles down underneath the ground.

02:04:54.000 And he's like, how are you going to do strategic, surgical bombing?

02:04:57.000 You have to drop a nuclear bomb on the thing to blow it up. 0.99

02:05:01.000 So he's like, you're out of your mind. 0.97

02:05:02.000 But you should check out George Galloway.

02:05:04.000 He did a thing where...

02:05:05.000 It was around the time when Israel and the Lebanese were fighting a few years ago.

02:05:11.000 And this one girl, it was funny, from Sky News, they get these pretty commentators.

02:05:15.000 So she's like, here to defend the Lebanese, the Hezbollah's point of view, George Galloway.

02:05:22.000 And the guy rips into her.

02:05:23.000 He's like, first of all, he's like, You know, your introduction of me was very biased from the da-da-da-da.

02:05:28.000 Of course, I would expect it.

02:05:30.000 Sky News, owned by Rupert Murdoch.

02:05:31.000 He just goes, just cuts into it.

02:05:33.000 And then he's like, secondly, you need to know your history.

02:05:35.000 He's like, they've been fighting for da-da-da.

02:05:36.000 And he just goes into it.

02:05:37.000 And you see this, like, blonde girl, like, but could you answer the question?

02:05:41.000 Is he an Irish guy?

02:05:42.000 I think he's Irish.

02:05:43.000 Oh, okay.

02:05:43.000 I have heard this guy before.

02:05:44.000 The dude is like, when he comes to arguing, he's a pretty bad motherfucker when it comes to arguing. 0.97

02:05:49.000 Well, I'll check out some of his stuff on. 0.98

02:05:50.000 I'm fascinated by the Middle East, especially right now, because we're at such a strange time.

02:05:55.000 With the internet, they're using Facebook to organize and basically overthrow government after government.

02:06:03.000 They keep toppling one after the other.

02:06:05.000 I'm curious as to what we're actually seeing.

02:06:07.000 The problem is, it's funny, because if you talk to a lot of Iranians, we always say, for example, what happened in Egypt. 1.00

02:06:13.000 It was a positive step in the right direction, but the question is, Talk to me six months from now.

02:06:18.000 Talk to me a year from now.

02:06:19.000 Will the people that are alive today even benefit from it?

02:06:23.000 Or will it make their life shittier and then the next generation benefits? 0.99

02:06:27.000 The world's in a fucking turmoil right now. 0.98

02:06:29.000 I don't understand it. 0.99

02:06:30.000 I don't understand economics. 0.99

02:06:31.000 When people start talking about economic meltdowns, to me, the way I look at it, I go, at the end of the day, there's the same amount of shit and there's the same amount of people. 0.99

02:06:39.000 So what the fuck went wrong? 1.00

02:06:40.000 We were living like kings just a couple years ago, and now everybody's fucking in the shitter. 1.00

02:06:46.000 Because of what? 0.99

02:06:46.000 Because of an inflated economy? 0.99

02:06:48.000 What?

02:06:49.000 Part of the things that I'm starting to see that makes some sense to me, because you're right, I a lot of times get lost in it all too, but some of the things that start making sense is when they start talking about the difference between the haves and the have-nots, and how back in the day a CEO average would make 20 times more than a...

02:07:05.000 Than the worker.

02:07:06.000 Now that some of these CEOs are making like 350 times more than the average worker.

02:07:10.000 So you start going, okay, I see.

02:07:11.000 Like right now they're saying that a lot of these banks have made their, like, they weren't affected by the economic crunch because we bailed them out and now a lot of these bankers are making a lot more money and yet the economy is supposedly still bad and people that had mortgages that were, you know, belly up are still belly up.

02:07:28.000 Money in and of itself is so strange to me.

02:07:31.000 The idea that it's based on nothing but confidence now.

02:07:33.000 It's not gold-backed.

02:07:35.000 It's so hard to pay attention to everything. 0.99

02:07:39.000 There's just too much shit going on in the world. 1.00

02:07:42.000 There's too many goddamn experiments going on. 1.00

02:07:44.000 There's too many new science inventions that I have to look at every day. 0.99

02:07:47.000 There's some new one they invented where they installed some microchip into a rat's brain and the rat recovered lost memories.

02:07:55.000 And they're thinking they're going to eventually be able to do this to people. 1.00

02:07:57.000 There's just so much fucking shit going on. 1.00

02:07:59.000 I can't pay attention to everything. 1.00

02:08:00.000 It's impossible.

02:08:01.000 Yeah.

02:08:02.000 No, it is.

02:08:02.000 It's pretty overwhelming sometimes.

02:08:05.000 It's a crazy world we live in.

02:08:06.000 And we got a tweet in the middle of all that.

02:08:07.000 You got a tweet.

02:08:10.000 Dude, what is your Twitter page?

02:08:11.000 It's at Maz Jobrani.

02:08:13.000 At Maz Jobrani.

02:08:14.000 Yeah, I just kind of got going on.

02:08:16.000 I got you here.

02:08:16.000 Yeah.

02:08:17.000 Okay, so please follow him.

02:08:19.000 M-A-Z-J-O-B-R-A-N-I. Where are you at soon? 1.00

02:08:25.000 Well, people can go to the website.

02:08:27.000 Or actually, we're doing our own podcast now.

02:08:29.000 What's your website?

02:08:29.000 Mazjobrani.com.

02:08:30.000 Mazjobrani.com.

02:08:30.000 And people can go to minivanmen.com.

02:08:32.000 And that's you, Al Madrigal, and Chris Spencer.

02:08:35.000 Yeah.

02:08:36.000 Sounds awesome.

02:08:36.000 And where can people see you do stand-up?

02:08:38.000 Comedy Store, Laugh Factory, Improv.

02:08:40.000 Just go to mazjobrani.com.

02:08:42.000 You can find information.

02:08:43.000 mazjobrani.com.

02:08:44.000 I will be at the Carnegie Music Hall of Pittsburgh on this Saturday, the 25th, with Joey Coco Diaz.

02:08:55.000 And then next...

02:08:56.000 Friday, the 1st of July, we're going to be at the Mandalay Bay Theater.

02:09:01.000 That's a full Death Squad show.

02:09:02.000 Ari Shafir, Joey Diaz, me, and Doug Benson's going to stop by and do a guest spot, and Brian's going to be there, and you can hug him.

02:09:09.000 There's going to be a lot of people in town that weekend, because also Sam's having a naughty show that weekend for three days straight.

02:09:15.000 Yeah, in Vegas.

02:09:16.000 That's this really cool strip club, and he's doing it, I think, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with Jenna Hayes.

02:09:20.000 Okay, cool.

02:09:21.000 Well, we'll help him promote that as well. 1.00

02:09:23.000 And yeah, so we'll see you in Vegas, you dirty bitches. 1.00

02:09:26.000 And so that's it. 1.00

02:09:28.000 Pittsburgh on Saturday the 25th.

02:09:30.000 And some tickets are still available, but they're going quick.

02:09:33.000 Information is JoeRogan.net.

02:09:36.000 You can find everything.

02:09:37.000 And we'll be back tomorrow with Russell Peters.

02:09:40.000 And thank you very much for tuning in.

02:09:43.000 And thank you very much to The Fleshlight.

02:09:44.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save money.

02:09:50.000 15% off the number one sex toy for men. 0.98

02:09:52.000 You can shoot some loads in the bed if you like. 0.99

02:09:54.000 Maz, Joe Brawny, ladies and gentlemen.

02:09:56.000 Thanks for having me, man.

02:09:56.000 It was fun.

02:09:56.000 A pleasure having you on, my brother.

02:09:58.000 It was very good to catch up with you and see you again.

02:10:00.000 And thank you, everybody, and we'll see you all tomorrow.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 20, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #115 - Maz Jobrani

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