The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1177 - Sober October 2

00:00:01.000 Five, four, three, two, one.

00:00:05.000 Dude, it seemed like we just did this.

00:00:07.000 It does feel like pretty recent.

00:00:09.000 How was it a year ago?

00:00:10.000 I don't know.

00:00:11.000 I don't know.

00:00:12.000 It's already October.

00:00:13.000 I'm scared. 0.99

00:00:14.000 Let's just fucking spark up a joint bill right now. 0.99

00:00:16.000 What? 0.99

00:00:17.000 No! 1.00

00:00:18.000 These fat blunts. 0.99

00:00:20.000 One of them backwoods. 0.96

00:00:21.000 Smell one of these backwoods.

00:00:22.000 These are so good.

00:00:23.000 Just smell it.

00:00:24.000 Just smell it.

00:00:25.000 Whoa.

00:00:26.000 Yeah.

00:00:27.000 You know, everyone was commenting on your blunt rolling technique after the Elon Musk thing.

00:00:32.000 Oh, I don't roll them.

00:00:33.000 I know, they were like, and I knew that, and they were like, oh, what is he?

00:00:35.000 He can barely roll a blunt.

00:00:36.000 I was like, it's professionally rolled.

00:00:38.000 It's a pretty good blunt.

00:00:39.000 You can't read those comments.

00:00:40.000 That does smell good, man.

00:00:41.000 That smells so good.

00:00:42.000 They taste good, too.

00:00:43.000 Those are phenomenal.

00:00:45.000 I'm a blunt man.

00:00:46.000 I know it's probably bad for your lungs, but there's something about...

00:00:50.000 The tobacco gets you a little high up, and then the marijuana sort of spreads you out, and it puts you in a new dimension.

00:00:58.000 Yeah, that's a good one.

00:01:00.000 I'm going to get blitzkrieged after Halloween, kids.

00:01:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:01:05.000 Imagine how high you'll get, too, after 30 days off.

00:01:08.000 Last year, I did comedy.

00:01:10.000 I had no idea what I was talking about.

00:01:12.000 While I was on stage, I was like, oh, my God, there's 400 people in this room.

00:01:15.000 I don't even know what I'm saying.

00:01:17.000 I almost thought of bringing in all my marijuana and booze in here like in the Old West when you had to turn in your guns and just dumping them on the table. 0.74

00:01:26.000 Because I have so much marijuana, it's ridiculous. 0.80

00:01:29.000 I know, it's crazy.

00:01:30.000 I keep a bunch.

00:01:31.000 We've got a stack of whiskey over there and then we've got another cabinet full in the back. 0.99

00:01:36.000 You can get fucked up hard here in this place. 0.98

00:01:39.000 We're going to get ripped on the first. 0.99

00:01:42.000 Remember when we did the podcast on the day back?

00:01:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:01:45.000 Those were fun shit. 0.99

00:01:47.000 Ari is so much more fun when he's high. 1.00

00:01:49.000 He's so scary and grumpy when he's sober. 0.98

00:01:52.000 He's such a grouchy dog.

00:01:54.000 He gets, like, legit angry.

00:01:56.000 Like, he could joke around about anything when he's high, when he smokes weed.

00:02:00.000 But then when he's not smoking weed, you're like, wait, wait, wait. 0.99

00:02:03.000 Are you fucking serious? 0.97

00:02:04.000 He gets upset. 0.99

00:02:05.000 Do you remember when you texted the 3S? You're like, Ari, I don't think you're doing the right classes.

00:02:09.000 Do you remember the meltdown?

00:02:10.000 I said I think you're going to have to do them again.

00:02:12.000 Ah! 0.98

00:02:14.000 Obviously, I'm fucking joking around. 1.00

00:02:16.000 You're calling me a liar! 1.00

00:02:18.000 Say I'm a liar! 0.97

00:02:19.000 Say I'm a liar to my face! 0.99

00:02:20.000 Didn't he call?

00:02:20.000 I love you!

00:02:22.000 He called you, right?

00:02:23.000 He called you upset.

00:02:24.000 Oh yeah, he was upset.

00:02:25.000 I don't remember if we texted or called, but I go, Ari?

00:02:29.000 I love you.

00:02:29.000 I'm just joking.

00:02:31.000 I'm sure you do.

00:02:32.000 One thing about Ari is, this is one thing you could say, after all the welching talk and all the nonsense, Ari has rock solid ethics. 0.94

00:02:40.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:02:41.000 Like, rock solid.

00:02:41.000 Yes, he does.

00:02:42.000 Like, if Ari says he's going to do something, he does it. 0.94

00:02:44.000 Like, so if I'm fucking with him and saying, I don't think he's doing it. 0.96

00:02:48.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:02:48.000 Like, I don't really mean that. 0.97

00:02:49.000 Right, right.

00:02:50.000 You're just kind of, you're poking at him.

00:02:51.000 Right. 0.99

00:02:52.000 So, if you're out there, Ari, and you hear this, I'm only fucking around. 0.99

00:02:55.000 I know you're doing it. 0.98

00:02:57.000 But I'm not talking to you for the next 31 days.

00:03:00.000 It's too dangerous!

00:03:02.000 He came to our class for that last one.

00:03:05.000 He was like, this is so much easier than my class.

00:03:07.000 I can't believe you questioned how hard my class was.

00:03:09.000 The one we did in Encino?

00:03:10.000 Yes.

00:03:10.000 He was like, this is so easy compared to what I've been doing in New York.

00:03:13.000 Look, it's all easy if you go easy.

00:03:15.000 I guess, yeah.

00:03:16.000 It's all how you do it. 0.99

00:03:17.000 If you do hot yoga and you go 100% every pose, it's fucking hard as shit. 0.99

00:03:23.000 Doesn't matter who's teaching. 0.99

00:03:24.000 Yeah, it's hard.

00:03:24.000 There's this guy that I go to yoga with.

00:03:26.000 Is that vodka?

00:03:27.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:03:27.000 No, it's water.

00:03:28.000 100%.

00:03:28.000 I have a drinking problem, legit drinking.

00:03:31.000 He needs water.

00:03:32.000 Okay.

00:03:33.000 There's this guy that I go to yoga with who is...

00:03:37.000 It seems like he just doesn't ever go 100%.

00:03:41.000 He's sort of just kind of...

00:03:43.000 Like, you know how you put your arms above your head?

00:03:45.000 He always does this.

00:03:46.000 He's never doing this where he's fully stretched out, extended, his palms connected.

00:03:51.000 When you do that, it's hard.

00:03:53.000 If you just kind of half-ass every pose and do this, yeah, you can get through a 90-minute class.

00:03:57.000 You're not doing the same thing as other people.

00:03:59.000 If you go to a group training class somewhere, you can see people and there's that 63-year-old lady who's doing it with you. 1.00

00:04:08.000 She's on her knees.

00:04:09.000 She's like, this is hard talking at a normal rate.

00:04:12.000 You're like, you're not doing it.

00:04:14.000 I got in trouble at my CrossFit class because I was just getting pissed.

00:04:18.000 I was throwing up every day.

00:04:20.000 I was throwing up every single day.

00:04:21.000 I was also drinking a coffee right before it started.

00:04:24.000 So I was throwing up coffee every single day.

00:04:26.000 And one day I just snapped. 0.98

00:04:27.000 I go, hey, the black guy's not doing his burpees. 1.00

00:04:29.000 The black guy. 0.99

00:04:30.000 Jesus. 0.68

00:04:30.000 That's what they said, Joe. 0.68

00:04:31.000 That's what they said.

00:04:31.000 They go, hey man, we don't talk like that.

00:04:33.000 He's got a name.

00:04:34.000 I go, I don't know it, but I'm pointing to him.

00:04:36.000 He's not doing his burpees.

00:04:37.000 Why do you care? 1.00

00:04:38.000 And then the joke I made out of it was, hey, Wendell, the gay guy says I can't call you the black guy, but you're not doing your fucking burpees. 1.00

00:04:45.000 The gay guy! 1.00

00:04:46.000 I might go back to CrossFit. 0.97

00:04:48.000 I like the idea that we're doing this in a general heart rate sense, because you can sprinkle it in.

00:04:53.000 I want to go to a spin class.

00:04:54.000 You definitely can.

00:04:55.000 And by the way, that is how, if you want to get a real bump in those points, it's about a bump in heart rate, sustained, accelerated heart rate.

00:05:03.000 So a spin class is going to get you a bunch.

00:05:06.000 You know what I mean?

00:05:07.000 It's not like Joe, I don't know if you know this, he's like a way better athlete than you, but it doesn't mean that...

00:05:13.000 Actually, we put a pin in that.

00:05:14.000 We have a month to find out.

00:05:16.000 It doesn't mean that he'll automatically beat us because he's in better physical condition.

00:05:21.000 You can actually beat him if you're going to push it all the time.

00:05:26.000 What is it in your brain that makes you do that?

00:05:28.000 Because we just looked at your MEPs and you burned a thousand calories.

00:05:32.000 Is there some sort of...

00:05:34.000 I talked to Pat McAfee one time.

00:05:35.000 He said it's about explosivity. 0.97

00:05:37.000 It's about rape and murder. 0.98

00:05:40.000 My head's filled with it. 0.99

00:05:41.000 Stopping rapists and stopping murderers and killing child molesters.

00:05:45.000 That's what I think about. 1.00

00:05:46.000 Killing bad people. 0.99

00:05:47.000 When you work out? 0.99

00:05:48.000 Yeah.

00:05:49.000 That's what I do when I get tired.

00:05:50.000 If I get tired, I think about saving someone I care about.

00:05:54.000 I think about stopping someone who's trying to murder someone I love.

00:05:57.000 That's what I think about.

00:05:59.000 I love your face.

00:06:01.000 I'm not kidding.

00:06:02.000 I think about my second wife.

00:06:04.000 I think about protecting people I care about.

00:06:08.000 Didn't you tell me one time, if it's hard, you'll go pretend like someone's trying to kill me?

00:06:13.000 Yeah.

00:06:14.000 Yeah.

00:06:14.000 So you're like pretending?

00:06:15.000 Yeah.

00:06:17.000 I don't have words for that.

00:06:19.000 That's what you gotta do.

00:06:21.000 Think about worst case scenario.

00:06:24.000 You're tired and someone's trying to kill someone you care about.

00:06:27.000 And you don't have enough energy to stop them.

00:06:29.000 But do you think you learned that switch in Taekwondo?

00:06:35.000 Yeah, I learned it from martial arts, for sure.

00:06:37.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:06:38.000 Yeah, because that's the scariest place you could ever be.

00:06:41.000 The scariest place you could be is life and death.

00:06:45.000 Just putting yourself in, oh, I just want to lose weight.

00:06:48.000 Okay, good.

00:06:49.000 Yeah, that's good.

00:06:51.000 But you're not going to save yourself.

00:06:54.000 You've got to put yourself in animalistic fury.

00:06:59.000 That's how you've got to put yourself.

00:07:00.000 You've got to put yourself in this state of just 100% effort.

00:07:05.000 I was pegged at like 180, 177 beats per minute for the last 35 minutes.

00:07:12.000 That's really...

00:07:13.000 That's great.

00:07:14.000 You've got to do it. 0.99

00:07:15.000 See, that David Goggins guy got in my head with just embrace the suck. 0.99

00:07:22.000 I can get there. 0.57

00:07:24.000 Like doing the marathon, I just go, this is where I'm going to be for the next five and a half hours.

00:07:28.000 This is where I'm at, and this is what I'm doing.

00:07:29.000 And I can wrap my head around that.

00:07:31.000 I don't know if I can wrap my head around, like, I don't know the explosivity of it and going, like, I'm gonna save my family and then getting...

00:07:38.000 But that might not work for you, but there still could be a different tactic that works for you.

00:07:41.000 You know what I mean? 0.95

00:07:42.000 No, no, no, I meant even, like, going that fucking hard to where your body is completely giving out. 0.92

00:07:49.000 There's part of me that goes, hey, man, what are we doing here? 0.96

00:07:51.000 You know, like, even when I'm working out, I go, that's really fucking hard.

00:07:55.000 Well, you definitely have to protect your health, right? 0.87

00:07:58.000 Like, the last thing you want to be doing this and having a heart attack...

00:08:01.000 That's always my fear as I go, easy buddy.

00:08:04.000 Yeah, easy buddy is a good way to look at it.

00:08:06.000 But I've been doing that kind of working out forever.

00:08:10.000 That's how I work out.

00:08:11.000 I just go crazy.

00:08:14.000 I go crazy.

00:08:16.000 Don't you ever think, have you ever thought about someone who like really disrespected you right before you lift?

00:08:21.000 You know what I mean?

00:08:22.000 Like right before a set?

00:08:22.000 Dude, that's all that happens online.

00:08:24.000 Are you serious?

00:08:24.000 Yeah.

00:08:25.000 You can't read that shit. 0.99

00:08:26.000 It's just open up my comments. 0.99

00:08:27.000 But he's never like, you don't ever, I've gone to like a moment, you know, where you're like, I wish I would have cracked that dude in the face.

00:08:32.000 And then right before, right before a set.

00:08:34.000 No, I have not.

00:08:35.000 And I know, I definitely know what I want.

00:08:37.000 I know who I'm thinking about.

00:08:38.000 I'm going to try it.

00:08:39.000 All right.

00:08:39.000 Don't say any names.

00:08:40.000 Yeah.

00:08:40.000 What does he rhyme with?

00:08:44.000 In order to really get yourself into that place, you don't have to think about something that's terrifying and negative.

00:08:54.000 But to me, that's the ultimate position where you're going to need energy. 0.91

00:09:01.000 This is so silly.

00:09:02.000 The best shape I've ever been in is when I met my wife. 0.95

00:09:04.000 I was 186 pounds. 0.99

00:09:06.000 Damn! 0.99

00:09:07.000 Yeah, dude, I look. 1.00

00:09:08.000 You must have been shredded.

00:09:09.000 Jamie, type in Skinny Burt.

00:09:10.000 I've seen those pictures.

00:09:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:11.000 I don't even look.

00:09:12.000 You almost had a six-pack.

00:09:13.000 Almost.

00:09:14.000 You had a three-pack.

00:09:14.000 And I had, like, side muscle.

00:09:15.000 Yeah, a little oblique.

00:09:17.000 I'm going for that this month.

00:09:18.000 I'm really going hard.

00:09:19.000 You can do it.

00:09:19.000 I'm going hard this month.

00:09:20.000 I said to Jamie...

00:09:22.000 I made a deal with myself.

00:09:24.000 Every day I'm going to do 50 air squats and 50 push-ups.

00:09:26.000 I was going to do 100. Look at that!

00:09:27.000 Look at Skinny Burt! 1.00

00:09:28.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

00:09:29.000 You were a fucking stud. 1.00

00:09:31.000 But you were a fucking stud. 1.00

00:09:33.000 That was when I was in spin class. 1.00

00:09:34.000 Look how skinny your face is.

00:09:36.000 Your face was super skinny after last year's Sober October.

00:09:39.000 That photo that you posted, that you sent to us.

00:09:42.000 Look at my skinny face.

00:09:43.000 I'm going back.

00:09:44.000 I'm going hard this month.

00:09:45.000 I really am.

00:09:46.000 Because I'm going to enjoy it.

00:09:47.000 Last month, I think...

00:09:48.000 Last time I did it was out of spite.

00:09:49.000 I wanted to prove to everyone I could stop drinking.

00:09:51.000 This month, I'm going into it having not drank probably a third as much as last year.

00:09:57.000 Meaning, like, I've drank three quarters as much.

00:10:00.000 Does that make sense?

00:10:01.000 Mm-hmm.

00:10:01.000 And so...

00:10:02.000 But when I was in spin class, we had Bob from The Biggest Loser was our spin class teacher at Crunch.

00:10:06.000 Really?

00:10:07.000 Yeah, isn't that crazy?

00:10:08.000 Wait a minute, is Bob the coach from The Biggest Loser or the contestant?

00:10:11.000 Coach.

00:10:11.000 I've never watched that show.

00:10:12.000 He was amazing.

00:10:14.000 His inspiration was so connected.

00:10:16.000 He connected to me so quickly.

00:10:18.000 One time, it's right before Thanksgiving, and I'm looking good.

00:10:21.000 I've got to go to a wedding, my buddy's wedding.

00:10:23.000 And I'm on the bike, and he goes, alright, everyone out of the saddles.

00:10:25.000 We're going to be out of the saddles for two minutes. 0.99

00:10:26.000 And I'm like, fuck this. 1.00

00:10:28.000 And then he says... 1.00

00:10:31.000 I felt like he was talking to me.

00:10:32.000 He goes, you're going home for Thanksgiving. 0.91

00:10:34.000 You're going to see all the people in high school, all the people that didn't want to have sex with you. 0.99

00:10:38.000 Do you want them to want to have sex with you this weekend? 0.99

00:10:41.000 And I was like, yeah. 1.00

00:10:41.000 And he goes, then stay out of that fucking saddle. 1.00

00:10:43.000 Stay out of that saddle and earn your Thanksgiving dinner. 1.00

00:10:45.000 And go out to bars the night before and say, I won't fuck you. 1.00

00:10:48.000 I'm better than you. 1.00

00:10:49.000 And I'm just going, I want them to fuck me. 1.00

00:10:50.000 I want them to fuck me. 1.00

00:10:53.000 Damn, Bob. 1.00

00:10:53.000 I think of that Bob. 1.00

00:10:55.000 Bob went hard in the paint.

00:10:56.000 Dude.

00:10:57.000 That connected with me so hard.

00:10:59.000 That vanity of like, I want people to want me.

00:11:01.000 Isn't that funny, man?

00:11:02.000 That motivated so many comedians. 0.92

00:11:05.000 Just being a loser in high school, and I'll show you guys. 0.95

00:11:08.000 I'll show you. 0.97

00:11:09.000 There's people that take them straight to their deathbed, too. 1.00

00:11:14.000 They're still like, yeah, fucking Sarah. 1.00

00:11:18.000 Seventh grade. 1.00

00:11:19.000 This is for her.

00:11:20.000 My motivation is, I think I'm getting to the bottom of it, is I want people to like me.

00:11:25.000 People love you.

00:11:26.000 I know, but I think I do that in an unhealthy way.

00:11:29.000 Thank you, Joe.

00:11:30.000 It's pretty good, too.

00:11:30.000 Thank you.

00:11:32.000 For real?

00:11:34.000 You two liking my special is the best compliments I've gotten.

00:11:38.000 You worked hard at it.

00:11:38.000 You can tell.

00:11:39.000 Thank you very much.

00:11:40.000 Everyone, it's secret time.

00:11:41.000 It's streaming right now, but Joe Rogan's special drops tomorrow?

00:11:45.000 Tonight.

00:11:45.000 Tonight at midnight.

00:11:47.000 Midnight.

00:11:47.000 Yeah.

00:11:48.000 Dude, that trailer's one of the best trailers I've seen for a special in a long time.

00:11:51.000 I worked hard at it.

00:11:52.000 I hope people like it.

00:11:54.000 Some people are going to hate it, but that's normal.

00:11:56.000 That is normal.

00:11:56.000 I worked at it as hard as anything I've ever worked on, ever.

00:12:00.000 For sure.

00:12:00.000 This hour.

00:12:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:01.000 Yeah, I fucking went hard on this one. 0.99

00:12:03.000 It's a good feeling to get done with something and go, I did the best I could do. 0.98

00:12:07.000 I did the best I could do for sure.

00:12:08.000 100%.

00:12:09.000 I couldn't have done any better because if I did any more, the only thing that you could say is maybe a little more time, maybe a month or two more time on some of the bits.

00:12:18.000 But you never know when that is.

00:12:22.000 There's a period where they're developing and then they mature and then they're solid.

00:12:27.000 And then you never know.

00:12:28.000 Are they done or is there one One more tagline that I'm missing here?

00:12:32.000 Because you know how, like, it's always the case.

00:12:34.000 You film, and then right after you're done, you have a brand new tagline that makes the bit five times as good.

00:12:39.000 It's always like the next Saturday. 1.00

00:12:40.000 You're like, you motherfucker. 1.00

00:12:41.000 The next week, I wrote that. 1.00

00:12:43.000 I did that special. 0.98

00:12:43.000 The next week, I'm in Michigan doing some theater, and I had that Alexa bit about fucking Alexa talking back. 0.98

00:12:52.000 I talked to Alexa like I talked to women, and whatever the bit is. 0.96

00:12:54.000 And the next week, I write the bit.

00:12:56.000 We said a fleshlight attachment for Alexa, so I could shut her up the way I want to. 0.71

00:12:59.000 Wow! 1.00

00:12:59.000 And fuck, I'm like, goddammit, where the fuck was that? 1.00

00:13:02.000 Goddammit. 1.00

00:13:03.000 Your mind doesn't open up all the way until it doesn't have any pressure.

00:13:08.000 So it's like the pressure's gone, and then you're like, oh, I could take it here, I could take it there, and you're like, I wish I could think like this before I record, but you can't.

00:13:16.000 You know what's interesting is that we've talked about this, that after the special's over, you're like, I don't have any material, and I don't have anything to think about.

00:13:23.000 So terrifying.

00:13:25.000 But you always find it.

00:13:26.000 Like, over time, and then before you know it, like, wow, I got a new hour.

00:13:30.000 Yeah, it happens.

00:13:31.000 It happens.

00:13:32.000 And it happens quicker the more you've done it.

00:13:34.000 Yeah.

00:13:34.000 Yeah, because you know you can do it.

00:13:36.000 That's one of the sad things about these guys.

00:13:38.000 Like, I was talking to a guy the other day, like, how long have you been doing comedy?

00:13:41.000 And he's like, seven years.

00:13:42.000 I go, how much time do you have?

00:13:43.000 He's like, 20 minutes. 0.98

00:13:44.000 I go, that's fucking ruthlessly unacceptable. 0.99

00:13:47.000 It's terrible. 1.00

00:13:47.000 I go, you're lazy. 1.00

00:13:49.000 Like, you've been doing comedy for seven years, you have 20 minutes.

00:13:51.000 And out of those 20 minutes, 10 you should throw away.

00:13:53.000 Right.

00:13:54.000 That's crazy.

00:13:55.000 But that's what happens.

00:13:56.000 But they're not doing it enough.

00:13:57.000 You're not doing it enough.

00:13:58.000 They don't get enough sets, and this, you know, it's hard. 0.97

00:14:01.000 You're doing open mics, and when you're doing open mics, everyone sucks.

00:14:05.000 So you look like a hero if you have anything that's remotely humorous.

00:14:08.000 But then you try that remotely humorous stuff, and you do it at the Ice House, and people are like, huh.

00:14:14.000 You know, like, you go on between you and you, and, you know, you do this bullshit that you're just doing an open mic night, and people are just not having it.

00:14:21.000 That's why real sets are so different than, you know what I mean?

00:14:24.000 If you don't get in front of real crowds, and it's not, you know, it's not entirely up to you, obviously, when you're starting out, it's hard to get in front of real.

00:14:31.000 What do you mean real crowds?

00:14:32.000 Like a real show, a professional audience.

00:14:34.000 Oh, like not just open mics?

00:14:35.000 Yeah.

00:14:36.000 Those bringer shows and open mic shows.

00:14:38.000 That's why it's invaluable even if you give somebody an opportunity to come on your show for them, like an up-and-comer, because they don't normally have real audiences to perform in front of.

00:14:50.000 Yeah, it's giant for them.

00:14:51.000 It's a wake-up call.

00:14:53.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:14:53.000 Then they're like, holy shit, this is a real show. 0.99

00:14:55.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:55.000 People have expectations. 0.99

00:14:57.000 They pay money.

00:14:57.000 When you go to one of those open mic nights, people are just drunk and everyone's terrible.

00:15:02.000 So you're just laughing at basically anything.

00:15:04.000 Yeah.

00:15:05.000 Someone can kill by how bad they are.

00:15:08.000 Yeah.

00:15:08.000 For sure.

00:15:09.000 People are just like slamming the table.

00:15:11.000 Peter Chen made an almost career out of that.

00:15:14.000 Yeah.

00:15:14.000 Peter Chen.

00:15:16.000 He was a guy who was so bad.

00:15:19.000 Chris McGuire was auditioning for Mitzi, and Mitzi thought it was funny, because Mitzi was so hilarious.

00:15:27.000 She thought it was funny that one of the worst comics in L.A. Don't pull his picture up.

00:15:35.000 Was hosting the open mic night.

00:15:37.000 Really?

00:15:38.000 Yeah, she thought it was funny. 1.00

00:15:39.000 But I knew that McGuire was going to have to audition for Mitzia, so I said, fuck that. 0.98

00:15:43.000 So I called up the store, I said, I'm hosting. 0.98

00:15:45.000 I said, I'll host the open mic night.

00:15:46.000 So I came down and hosted the open mic night just to keep him from hosting it.

00:15:51.000 That's great.

00:15:52.000 So you did that as a save for your buddy?

00:15:54.000 Yeah, because I knew he was going to...

00:15:56.000 There would be too much to address, and you have three minutes.

00:16:02.000 There'd be too much, too much chaos to address.

00:16:05.000 I hosted a show as a favor one time and ended up snapping on a lady in the audience and ruined the show. 0.70

00:16:10.000 They were like, thanks.

00:16:12.000 Why did you...

00:16:13.000 Dude, because I arrived...

00:16:14.000 It was a showcase for Montreal.

00:16:16.000 And I arrived at the show before it, right?

00:16:18.000 So there's like a 7 o'clock thing and then the 9 o'clock showcase.

00:16:22.000 And they asked me to...

00:16:24.000 To host it.

00:16:25.000 And a lady at the 7 o'clock show, at the earlier show, is in the front row, just yelling out, drunk. 1.00

00:16:32.000 And she's older, and she's like, yeah!

00:16:35.000 Tagging every comics thing, commenting on it, and I'm like, ugh.

00:16:39.000 And I'm just so irritated, but I'm like, well, at least, you know...

00:16:42.000 This show's almost over.

00:16:44.000 So the show ends, you know, people leave.

00:16:47.000 We're getting ready to start a second show.

00:16:49.000 I look, she's staying in her seat.

00:16:50.000 And I was like, you gotta be kidding me.

00:16:53.000 So, second show starts, and I'm already, you're primed.

00:16:57.000 You know, like, if you watch something that gets you agitated, and then...

00:17:02.000 You're overreacting.

00:17:03.000 Yeah, you're overreacting because you're primed for it. 1.00

00:17:05.000 So I started and it was like, I said my first joke and she said, I go, you fucking cunt! 1.00

00:17:12.000 Shut up! 1.00

00:17:13.000 And no one knows you have a history of that? 1.00

00:17:15.000 No, no, no, no.

00:17:20.000 People in the audience are like, don't talk to her like that! 0.99

00:17:23.000 And I'm like, you don't know what she's doing! 0.68

00:17:25.000 And then it just went...

00:17:27.000 And then I'm like, give it up for this guy who wants to go to Montreal.

00:17:32.000 It was terrible.

00:17:35.000 But then she ended up leaving.

00:17:37.000 Her friend came back in. 1.00

00:17:38.000 And while I'm on stage, she goes, did you call her a cunt in the show? 1.00

00:17:43.000 And I go, yeah. 0.99

00:17:44.000 She goes, that's my friend. 1.00

00:17:45.000 And I go, well then you're a cunt too. 1.00

00:17:49.000 She leaves and her son comes back. 1.00

00:17:51.000 Her son comes back looking for me.

00:17:54.000 He's like, can I talk to you for a second?

00:17:55.000 And I was like, alright.

00:17:57.000 And he looks serious too. 1.00

00:17:59.000 And he was like, did you call my mom a cunt? 1.00

00:18:01.000 And I go, which one is she? 1.00

00:18:03.000 And he goes, this lady over here. 1.00

00:18:07.000 So I go outside.

00:18:08.000 And I talk to...

00:18:10.000 Basically, the lady who was the friend.

00:18:12.000 So I go, she goes, what is going on?

00:18:15.000 I go, your friend has been disrupting, yelling out people, drunk, belligerent.

00:18:19.000 She goes, you call her this?

00:18:22.000 You call me that?

00:18:23.000 And I go, all right, well, I'm sorry I called you that.

00:18:25.000 But I'm not sorry I called your friend that.

00:18:27.000 She is what she is.

00:18:29.000 And she's like, you can be a nice person.

00:18:31.000 I see it in you.

00:18:32.000 Ah!

00:18:33.000 She got you with love.

00:18:35.000 I was like, yeah, I go, get your friend out of here.

00:18:38.000 No one wants her here, okay?

00:18:39.000 And she was like, okay.

00:18:40.000 And then her son was like, thank you.

00:18:42.000 That was very disrespectful to my mother.

00:18:44.000 I was like, okay, man, we're good.

00:18:46.000 I got to go back and host this disaster that I created.

00:18:53.000 It was such a train wreck.

00:18:55.000 Well, some people just think that if you're saying something they disagree with, they don't think that they need to just wait it out.

00:19:02.000 They think they can stop you in the middle.

00:19:03.000 And the problem for me in particular, a lot of my bits start off one way, like they look like they're going to be way more outrageous than they are, and then I turn them around.

00:19:13.000 Sure. 0.65

00:19:13.000 But when I'm starting it off, and then you just attack, like you're fucking up the bit. 0.65

00:19:19.000 You don't even understand what I'm doing.

00:19:21.000 It's the whole thing about freedom of speech in a weird way.

00:19:23.000 I had a joke about pedophilia, and I just started it, and this woman, who was a fan of mine and everything, she just goes, No!

00:19:31.000 Stop! 1.00

00:19:32.000 And now it looks like I'm pro-pedophilia. 1.00

00:19:34.000 I haven't gotten to the fucking punchline. 0.99

00:19:36.000 It just looks like I'm into fucking kids, because now I'm not allowed to finish it. 0.99

00:19:39.000 No, those people shouldn't be allowed at shows because they're not even letting the art form take place. 0.98

00:19:47.000 You crafted something.

00:19:49.000 You're like, let it play out.

00:19:50.000 You can't do that.

00:19:51.000 I mean, they should just kick you out. 0.91

00:19:53.000 You're fucking up the whole experience for the whole crowd because a guy like Brian Holtzman would literally never be able to perform if the audience is filled with people like that. 0.96

00:20:02.000 So people like you and I who enjoy him, we would never be able to see him. 0.99

00:20:06.000 Because his whole act is saying outrageous shit like that. 0.96

00:20:09.000 That absolutely he doesn't really mean. 0.99

00:20:11.000 Right.

00:20:12.000 But the funny thing is, the twists and the turns.

00:20:15.000 Right.

00:20:15.000 Getting you to laugh at this stuff.

00:20:16.000 The other funny thing is, is that he's supposed to act like he does mean it.

00:20:20.000 Yes!

00:20:21.000 Like, that's what's funny.

00:20:23.000 Yes!

00:20:23.000 It's like, that people are always like, you know, they get super upset about this thing.

00:20:28.000 And it's like, he said this.

00:20:29.000 And they're like, yeah, but don't you get that it's the performance?

00:20:32.000 I used to have this joke about the Second Coming Project.

00:20:35.000 Do you know what the Second Coming Project is? 0.94

00:20:37.000 When they first started fucking around with genes and cloning, there was a group of radical Christians that had this idea. 0.98

00:20:48.000 I think it might have been bullshit eventually, but what their idea was they were going to take some genetic material from the Shroud of Turin and they were going to clone Jesus. 0.99

00:20:59.000 And so my bit was, what if you clone Jesus and it doesn't come out good? 0.95

00:21:06.000 Like, you know, they had to do Dolly the Sheep like 30 times until they got it right.

00:21:11.000 Like, what if you clone Jesus and he comes back handicapped? 0.98

00:21:17.000 And I had this whole fucked up thing about them following around this handicapped Jesus. 1.00

00:21:22.000 And instead of turning water into wine, he turns like dog shit into cookies. 1.00

00:21:26.000 And so this fucking lady, this lady goes, NEXT SUBJECT! And she's sitting in the front row. 1.00

00:21:36.000 So I did the bit to her.

00:21:39.000 I just looked her in the eyes and I kept doing it.

00:21:43.000 By the power of Christ I compel you!

00:21:45.000 It was a horrible bit. 0.94

00:21:49.000 We're talking like 1998 or some shit like that, right? 0.91

00:21:53.000 So it was clunky anyway. 0.52

00:21:55.000 But she's literally saying, next subject.

00:21:59.000 Oh yeah.

00:21:59.000 Which I'm never gonna, never gonna listen to you.

00:22:02.000 No way! 1.00

00:22:03.000 That's like when you tell someone, shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:22:05.000 Why would they shut the fuck up? 1.00

00:22:06.000 That doesn't work. 0.99

00:22:08.000 You want them to shut the fuck up, but you have no understanding of the power of persuasion or the fact that other people aren't you. 0.98

00:22:17.000 You're not in control of other people. 0.99

00:22:19.000 So if you tell someone, shut the fuck up, that doesn't work. 0.99

00:22:23.000 This is just a poor way of you don't understand human beings. 1.00

00:22:27.000 You haven't thought this through. 0.96

00:22:28.000 You just know what you want, your selfish little head, and so you say it to them.

00:22:32.000 This is how most arguments and most fights get started, because people don't take into consideration at all the fact that they're communicating with another human being, has their own set of emotions, their own life, their own problems, their own ego.

00:22:45.000 It's true.

00:22:45.000 There's a surefire way at any comedy show to hear more of the same topic.

00:22:51.000 It's going to be like, next...

00:22:52.000 Yeah, next subject. 1.00

00:22:53.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:22:54.000 It's on the internet. 1.00

00:22:55.000 Yeah.

00:22:56.000 And that's what I... I almost...

00:22:59.000 Sometimes I preface it where I go, hey, you got...

00:23:01.000 Like, if you don't like what I'm about to say, because I have a couple things now that are a little, I think, too far, I go, just come talk to me after the show.

00:23:08.000 Don't even do that.

00:23:09.000 Just don't interrupt things.

00:23:11.000 I've had people change my mind on bits.

00:23:13.000 Like, I had a bit that... 0.97

00:23:15.000 Worked on my podcast very well and then I tried it in the club and this black chick came up to me and she's like, it's a really fucked up joke. 1.00

00:23:21.000 And I was like, really? 0.99

00:23:22.000 Was it super racist or something?

00:23:23.000 Was it super, super racist? 0.95

00:23:24.000 Like the black guy at CrossFit racist? 0.93

00:23:27.000 I think it might have been worse. 0.94

00:23:29.000 Really?

00:23:29.000 I don't know.

00:23:30.000 I don't know.

00:23:30.000 It didn't bother me.

00:23:31.000 But the black chick in DC was like, I love the show, all of it.

00:23:35.000 I just think...

00:23:36.000 How many years ago is this?

00:23:37.000 This is a year ago.

00:23:38.000 And I was like, and part of me is like...

00:23:40.000 Is it a bit that's in the special then?

00:23:41.000 No.

00:23:42.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:23:43.000 Never made it?

00:23:43.000 No.

00:23:44.000 And so I couldn't... 0.97

00:23:45.000 And it's almost like I wanted to tell it, but to figure it out, to work it out, but I didn't want to have to deal with all the fucking... 0.97

00:23:54.000 Steps. 0.98

00:23:55.000 All the steps.

00:23:56.000 And I was like, I'm not going to die on that hill.

00:23:58.000 I don't really talk about race much in my act, so I'm not going to die on that hill for that bit.

00:24:04.000 You know what you've got to do with a bit like that?

00:24:05.000 You've got to look at it as if you're someone trying to deconstruct it.

00:24:10.000 Like you're someone who's trying to attack that bit.

00:24:12.000 See, for me, a bit works best the very first time I do it. 0.77

00:24:17.000 And then every working bit I do around that to take it apart and figure out another way to approach it, that's where I start fucking it up.

00:24:25.000 It's like the first time I say it, I go, let's hope we can find that again.

00:24:29.000 I'm the polar opposite.

00:24:32.000 Occasionally I'll say something good the first time, but most of the time when I say something, it seems like a sprout or a seed.

00:24:41.000 How much time do you spend listening to recordings?

00:24:43.000 A lot.

00:24:44.000 A lot now.

00:24:45.000 After that last special, I did it obsessively.

00:24:48.000 And then I got into it.

00:24:49.000 I got into recording.

00:24:50.000 And now what I do is I will bid out.

00:24:52.000 If I don't have video, I like to have video because I think the video aspect really lets me know why things work.

00:24:57.000 I had this bit where I do my eyes a little different and it was killing and I saw it on video and I went, oh, I've got to make sure to do that.

00:25:04.000 But, um...

00:25:06.000 For me, it's almost like I'm always trying to chase to get back to that first time I told it.

00:25:12.000 Right, that feeling.

00:25:13.000 Yeah.

00:25:13.000 I like to clip it out and then put chunks of like, alright, here's what the Starbucks bit is, here's what this is, and then look at the different ones and go, oh, why did that work better than this one?

00:25:21.000 But I've gotten really into editing videos and stuff, so it's a lot easier for me than it was when I first started.

00:25:27.000 Now I'm just like, oh, real quick, sync up audio, because I'll do audio and video, different tracks, sync them up, and then just clip them out, put them in folders.

00:25:35.000 Audio and video, what do you mean?

00:25:37.000 I got a little nerdy about it.

00:25:39.000 I take a H4-6.

00:25:42.000 What is that?

00:25:43.000 An audio recorder.

00:25:44.000 It's a Zoom recorder.

00:25:46.000 Zoom H4-6, and then I'll take my camera, put it in the back, if I can, or I'll have the club run video.

00:25:52.000 But I like to sync up clean audio and clean video. 0.97

00:25:55.000 That way, if I do have something fun, like Hannibal got on stage with me the other night, and I was like, ah, cool, I got all this shit.

00:26:00.000 That's I could definitely put online if I'm gonna want to do that to Hannibal I'd have to run it by him first, but I got real clean audio of it.

00:26:07.000 Oh, that's interesting.

00:26:08.000 So you are doing it through the soundboard?

00:26:10.000 No, I do it through the h4-6 is like the best it's is and I have a Basically a surround sound mic on that which ones are called again h4-6.

00:26:19.000 It's bigger h4-6 zoom zoom h4-6 right am I right on that or is it just the h6?

00:26:24.000 Oh, it's the H6. It's the H6. The other one's the H4N. And it's Zoom?

00:26:29.000 Zoom H6. Audio recorder?

00:26:32.000 And how big is that thing?

00:26:33.000 It's about the size of this box. 0.99

00:26:36.000 It's like a fucking taser. 0.98

00:26:37.000 But they make a zoom that's smaller that I take with me now that fits in my pocket. 0.99

00:26:43.000 It's like the size of a lighter that's really great.

00:26:45.000 Yeah, pull that up.

00:26:46.000 Let me see what that looks like.

00:26:47.000 Pull up all the zoom.

00:26:48.000 What I like about doing it on my phone, though, is that I have them always with me all the time.

00:26:53.000 Yeah, it's great.

00:26:53.000 And then I sync it up in my car on the way to the gig.

00:26:56.000 That's what I did the other night, too.

00:26:57.000 Listen on the way there. 0.98

00:26:59.000 It fucking helps. 1.00

00:27:00.000 Giant. 0.99

00:27:00.000 On the way out, you go like that. 0.99

00:27:02.000 Because I like the puzzle-solving aspect of putting together sets.

00:27:07.000 You know what I mean?

00:27:07.000 When you go like, man, why does this...

00:27:10.000 When I do it fourth, it kills. 0.97

00:27:12.000 But if I do it fifth, it's garbage. 0.96

00:27:14.000 Yeah.

00:27:15.000 You try to figure out, well, maybe this needs to be punched up, maybe this should move here.

00:27:19.000 I like doing that.

00:27:20.000 I like figuring that out.

00:27:21.000 Yeah, and there's always those mystery punchlines that you didn't think were going to be a punchline and it crushes.

00:27:25.000 Sure. 0.99

00:27:26.000 You're like, what the fuck is, what are you laughing at? 0.99

00:27:28.000 I don't get it. 0.99

00:27:28.000 Like, what happened there? 0.99

00:27:29.000 Dude, the time that you guys were in the back of the room and I said, I used to think Anne Frank and Helen Keller were the same person.

00:27:35.000 And I didn't think that was funny at all.

00:27:37.000 And you're like, please tell me that's a bit.

00:27:38.000 And I was like, no.

00:27:39.000 That was at Stand Up On The Spot.

00:27:40.000 Stand Up On The Spot. 0.98

00:27:40.000 That Stand Up On The Spot's the most useful fucking thing ever. 0.98

00:27:43.000 Super. 0.99

00:27:44.000 Okay, so which one is it?

00:27:45.000 I've got the H6, I've got the H4N, and then the H1N is the one I take with me. 0.80

00:27:50.000 The H6 is the larger one that's like a taser-looking thing.

00:27:53.000 And then which is the one you take with you?

00:27:54.000 The tiny one?

00:27:55.000 The H1. And that's really little?

00:27:57.000 Yeah.

00:27:57.000 What's the comparison in the sound between the H1N and the H6? A big jump, in my opinion.

00:28:03.000 Yeah?

00:28:03.000 Yeah.

00:28:04.000 Should be the same. 0.78

00:28:05.000 Jamie?

00:28:05.000 Should be the same.

00:28:06.000 How so?

00:28:08.000 It should be the same microphones.

00:28:11.000 The H6 is just going to allow you to do six tracks.

00:28:13.000 That's what the six is.

00:28:15.000 It allows you to do six inputs.

00:28:16.000 This is probably just one track or maybe it's two because it's left and right.

00:28:19.000 That's why there's two microphones.

00:28:20.000 Oh, interesting.

00:28:21.000 That one's a great...

00:28:22.000 I take that with me, and it shows you how much time you have.

00:28:24.000 You put a 64 gigabyte mini SD card in, and you get like 118 hours of recording.

00:28:31.000 How's the battery?

00:28:32.000 Also, if you do...

00:28:33.000 I go through batteries pretty quick, but if you use lithium batteries, it's not that bad.

00:28:36.000 So if you do a mini SD card, you could take that mini SD card and put it...

00:28:42.000 Like, I just got an Android phone.

00:28:45.000 I got this Galaxy Note 9. And it has, it takes up to one terabyte of storage.

00:28:52.000 Holy shit. 0.98

00:28:52.000 Look how pretty. 0.98

00:28:53.000 Yeah.

00:28:54.000 Look at the stars.

00:28:55.000 Is that new?

00:28:56.000 Yeah.

00:28:56.000 And it takes an SD card?

00:28:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:28:58.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:28:59.000 Yeah, it takes an SD card. 1.00

00:29:00.000 It takes up to one terabyte of storage. 0.97

00:29:04.000 It's fucking phenomenal. 0.97

00:29:05.000 Yeah, it's great. 0.99

00:29:05.000 It's phenomenal. 0.99

00:29:06.000 It used to be that they were, like, way inferior to iPhones.

00:29:11.000 It's not the case anymore.

00:29:12.000 In fact, I think, like, look how big that screen is.

00:29:14.000 Look how pretty.

00:29:15.000 Yeah, that's great.

00:29:16.000 Look how pretty.

00:29:17.000 Look how pretty.

00:29:18.000 Who makes that? 0.93

00:29:19.000 Samsung. 0.98

00:29:19.000 The fingerprint reader is fucking instant, and it has a pen where you can write on the lock screen. 0.98

00:29:28.000 So on the lock screen, you can take notes and write on the screen. 0.99

00:29:34.000 I haven't written in my joke book in forever, I feel like.

00:29:37.000 Look at that.

00:29:38.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:29:41.000 You're right on the locksmith.

00:29:42.000 Yeah, you sure can.

00:29:44.000 And then you save those to your notes.

00:29:45.000 Bam.

00:29:46.000 That's really cool.

00:29:47.000 And then this also works as a remote control.

00:29:49.000 So if you're playing music, if you're playing music on this thing, while you're playing music, this will start and stop your music. 0.97

00:29:57.000 It's fucking phenomenal. 0.97

00:29:58.000 Are you just going to stomp out your iPhone right now? 0.99

00:29:59.000 I don't know, man.

00:30:00.000 I'm trying to figure out what to do.

00:30:02.000 I've always had that.

00:30:02.000 Do you have both numbers go to that same phone?

00:30:04.000 No, but the other thing about the new iPhone that Jamie was telling me is that you can have two different phone numbers.

00:30:12.000 Were you telling me that?

00:30:13.000 No, Brian was.

00:30:14.000 You could have two different phone numbers on the new iPhone.

00:30:16.000 On the new one.

00:30:16.000 Yeah.

00:30:17.000 It takes like a second card. 1.00

00:30:19.000 So say like if you have a business line and a home line, and then you take that SIM card out for the business line, or you disable the business line, and you're like, fuck you! 0.99

00:30:29.000 So say like if you have a phone that only like your best friends your wife Have and then the next is like agents and other bullshit. 0.99

00:30:36.000 Yeah, but are you just set up a whole Decoy number for like people you don't want to have your number.

00:30:42.000 That's good.

00:30:42.000 Yeah, but you can also do something like that with what is that thing?

00:30:48.000 there's a Google Voice, right? 0.99

00:30:52.000 Doesn't Google Voice have some shit like that? 0.97

00:30:54.000 Yeah, you can have that rerouted to your phone number and have like a business line kind of thing. 0.99

00:30:59.000 Look, look at this.

00:31:01.000 This thing...

00:31:02.000 It works as a remote control, so check this out.

00:31:06.000 I'll crank it up.

00:31:07.000 You can take pictures with it too, right?

00:31:08.000 Yep.

00:31:11.000 So you're using that pen?

00:31:13.000 Yeah, watch.

00:31:15.000 See that?

00:31:16.000 I'll press it.

00:31:16.000 Yeah.

00:31:20.000 Box kind of patsy.

00:31:21.000 Yeah.

00:31:22.000 Come on.

00:31:23.000 How many of those pens do you get?

00:31:25.000 Like 10?

00:31:25.000 No, it sticks right in here.

00:31:27.000 Fits in there.

00:31:28.000 Bang.

00:31:28.000 That's perfect.

00:31:29.000 And it charges.

00:31:30.000 It's Bluetooth.

00:31:32.000 Nice.

00:31:32.000 Syncs up to your phone.

00:31:34.000 Maybe I'll get one of those as a burner phone.

00:31:37.000 Well, it's $1,000.

00:31:38.000 You wouldn't really want it as a burner phone.

00:31:40.000 It's kind of a primary phone.

00:31:41.000 Yeah.

00:31:42.000 I'm leaning towards it as my main phone.

00:31:44.000 I really am.

00:31:45.000 I mean, I'm going to see.

00:31:46.000 The thing about the walled garden of iPhones is you just get used to that ecosystem.

00:31:51.000 And right now, my zone is all on my iPhone.

00:31:55.000 This thing is still sweaty.

00:31:56.000 Touch it if you want.

00:31:57.000 Yeah, I want to drink something and see if I can get that murdered sweat inside me.

00:32:01.000 You just got to think like that.

00:32:03.000 You just got to think that someone's coming after someone you love.

00:32:05.000 So wait, let's talk about...

00:32:06.000 So for the month...

00:32:11.000 That's me!

00:32:13.000 He's gonna think about himself.

00:32:15.000 He's gonna think of that.

00:32:17.000 He's gonna think of rage. 0.99

00:32:18.000 I think of killing coyotes with my bare hands. 1.00

00:32:21.000 I think of all kinds of crazy shit. 1.00

00:32:23.000 I'll tell you what, I'm not even bugging around. 0.99

00:32:25.000 I'm going to find my inner voice that speaks to me when I need that explosivity.

00:32:31.000 He's gonna find your dark place.

00:32:36.000 That's easy access for me, man.

00:32:41.000 It doesn't take much.

00:32:43.000 Someone said, why is it so difficult for Tom for Sober October?

00:32:50.000 He should take time off of thinking about murdering baristas.

00:32:55.000 If you guys don't know, him and his wife have been doing this thing where...

00:33:00.000 You guys had, like, if you murdered somebody, would you turn me into the cops?

00:33:04.000 Yeah.

00:33:04.000 I was blown away by her answer.

00:33:06.000 She was like, 100%. 1.00

00:33:07.000 I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? 1.00

00:33:09.000 She goes, well, was it an accident? 1.00

00:33:10.000 I'm like, no, I just told you that I killed somebody.

00:33:13.000 And I got the body in the trunk and no one knows. 1.00

00:33:15.000 She's like, you're a psycho. 0.97

00:33:16.000 I don't know what you're going to do. 1.00

00:33:17.000 You're going to kill me next. 1.00

00:33:18.000 I'm like, why would I kill you next? 0.99

00:33:20.000 She's like, but why'd you kill this guy? 0.90

00:33:22.000 I'm like, because he pissed me off.

00:33:23.000 It's like, you know, I killed somebody that I got.

00:33:25.000 Yeah.

00:33:26.000 And I'm like, I'm sorry. 1.00

00:33:26.000 You fucked up just like you called that lady a cunt. 1.00

00:33:28.000 Right! 1.00

00:33:29.000 Got out of hand.

00:33:29.000 Shouldn't have to go to jail forever.

00:33:30.000 You're my fucking ace, right? 0.99

00:33:32.000 You're not going to turn me in. 1.00

00:33:33.000 She's like, oh no, you're unpredictable.

00:33:35.000 She's your ride or die. 0.96

00:33:36.000 That's what I thought. 0.94

00:33:37.000 Don't worry, I'm your ride or die. 1.00

00:33:38.000 You call me if you kill someone. 1.00

00:33:40.000 I've got the shovel ready. 0.99

00:33:41.000 I'm taking it to the next level.

00:33:43.000 If you come over with a body in the trunk, and you go, I've got a body in the trunk. 0.98

00:33:46.000 I get the shovel, and you come out, and the body starts to get up out of the trunk, I'll hit him with the shovel and make sure he's dead. 0.89

00:33:51.000 That's what's up, dude. 0.92

00:33:51.000 Yeah. 0.92

00:33:52.000 That was a close call.

00:33:54.000 Where are we going?

00:33:54.000 Where are we going to go?

00:33:55.000 Oh, do you know how much fun we'd have figuring out a place to go bury a body?

00:33:58.000 Yeah, it'd be hard.

00:33:59.000 I can take you guys places.

00:34:01.000 See, this is a conversation I wanted with her.

00:34:04.000 Yeah, why wouldn't she do this?

00:34:05.000 I don't know, man.

00:34:06.000 She's like, I got babies now. 0.99

00:34:08.000 I fucking... 0.99

00:34:08.000 Like, alright, whatever. 0.99

00:34:10.000 Yeah.

00:34:11.000 Anyways, I was just telling her, she was like, why did you kill the guy?

00:34:13.000 I was like, alright, let's just hypothetically say.

00:34:15.000 Why does that matter?

00:34:15.000 We talked about that on the ride to the desert.

00:34:17.000 Maybe the guy called you a cunt, so I had to kill him. 1.00

00:34:18.000 I killed the guy I called my cunt. 1.00

00:34:20.000 I told her he fucked up my coffee order. 1.00

00:34:22.000 I called her a cunt. 1.00

00:34:22.000 Yeah, that's definitely excusable. 1.00

00:34:25.000 Ha ha ha!

00:34:25.000 She said if somebody hurt the family or something, she was like, then it's 100% fair.

00:34:30.000 She goes, but if you're laying in wait, just premeditated, hanging out, stalking people, she goes, Dad, I gotta turn you in on it. 0.99

00:34:37.000 I'm like, I still think that's bullshit. 1.00

00:34:39.000 You're my wife. 1.00

00:34:40.000 Why the fuck are you ratting on me? 1.00

00:34:42.000 My wife would do the killing for me. 1.00

00:34:44.000 If someone broke into our house, no questions asked. 0.96

00:34:46.000 I already know.

00:34:47.000 Your wife would gun somebody down. 1.00

00:34:48.000 I'd give her the gun and go. 0.98

00:34:49.000 Your wife, you think you tell her? 0.93

00:34:51.000 Yeah.

00:34:51.000 But she'd be like, alright, you gotta go handle this.

00:34:53.000 She'd be like, I knew it was coming.

00:34:58.000 Maritime!

00:34:59.000 Alright, guys.

00:35:00.000 We've been prepping for this.

00:35:01.000 As long as you're nice to the kids.

00:35:02.000 Yeah, there you go.

00:35:04.000 Yeah, man. 0.97

00:35:06.000 What's crazy is that used to be super normal to kill people.

00:35:09.000 You mean like in human history?

00:35:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:35:12.000 200 years ago.

00:35:13.000 Yeah.

00:35:14.000 Super normal.

00:35:14.000 We had a president that killed somebody.

00:35:16.000 Oh yeah, in a duel.

00:35:17.000 Yeah.

00:35:19.000 Can you imagine how normal, though, where it wouldn't even be worth bringing up that you killed somebody that day?

00:35:28.000 I mean, if you go back far enough, it's like, yeah, people are just stabbed and there's battles.

00:35:34.000 Do you think they had their Me Too movement of going like, hey, we've got to stop killing people, man?

00:35:39.000 Yeah, when do people just totally stop killing people?

00:35:42.000 There had to be a movement where people were like, My dad was murdered, and no one cares.

00:35:47.000 And your dad was murdered.

00:35:48.000 He's like, yeah, that kind of hurt me, too. 1.00

00:35:50.000 He's like, yeah, this fucking sucks, man. 0.99

00:35:51.000 Is it like the Dark Ages, like, coming out of that? 1.00

00:35:54.000 Oh, no, no, no.

00:35:54.000 Dark Ages is where you had no free will.

00:35:56.000 When I watch, when that Game of Thrones, when they cut his dick off in Game of Thrones, it clicked with the part of me where I went, helplessness. 0.99

00:36:05.000 The idea that you can't go, this isn't fair, you're not allowed to do that. 0.99

00:36:08.000 That helplessness, it gave me a panic attack.

00:36:10.000 Think about that when you're on the treadmill, son.

00:36:11.000 Mm. 1.00

00:36:12.000 Them cutting my dick off. 1.00

00:36:13.000 There you go. 1.00

00:36:14.000 Cutting anybody's dick off. 1.00

00:36:15.000 Just think of that feeling. 1.00

00:36:17.000 Just think of those kind of people out there.

00:36:18.000 Like helplessness.

00:36:19.000 Right, and if you're tired, you can't get away.

00:36:22.000 When they bound, I watched the Marco Polo thing, and when they bound that little girl's feet.

00:36:27.000 Is that the Netflix show?

00:36:28.000 Yeah, it was great.

00:36:29.000 I didn't watch that.

00:36:30.000 I watched like one or two episodes.

00:36:31.000 It seemed okay.

00:36:32.000 It was great.

00:36:32.000 Was it good?

00:36:33.000 Well, I like history.

00:36:34.000 I like anything history.

00:36:35.000 That's why I used to have on Dan.

00:36:37.000 Dan Carlin?

00:36:38.000 Dude, I love history.

00:36:40.000 And so, Marco Polo really knew Genghis Khan, apparently.

00:36:43.000 Yeah.

00:36:43.000 And so...

00:36:44.000 I think he knew Genghis Khan's son.

00:36:46.000 I think it's Kublai Khan.

00:36:48.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

00:36:48.000 Yeah, it's Kublai Khan.

00:36:49.000 Yeah.

00:36:50.000 I like history.

00:36:51.000 I'm a stickler for details, though.

00:36:53.000 Well, the Khans, you know, the reign was a long time.

00:36:58.000 I mean, during Genghis Khan's lifetime, they estimated that he killed and his people killed 10% of the world's population.

00:37:05.000 God!

00:37:06.000 They killed so many people, they changed the carbon footprint of the world.

00:37:09.000 They literally changed how many people were burning things.

00:37:14.000 They literally changed it in core samples.

00:37:16.000 Like when you do a core sample on the earth, the carbon footprint of human beings is less while he was alive because he killed one out of ten human beings that lived.

00:37:25.000 So he was eco-friendly for what he did?

00:37:27.000 Yes.

00:37:28.000 He was very green. 1.00

00:37:29.000 Holy shit. 0.98

00:37:30.000 That's the weird thing that Dan Carlin goes over in his Wrath of the Khan series, which is like one of the greatest history series of all time. 0.93

00:37:36.000 I can't recommend it enough.

00:37:38.000 It's a life changer.

00:37:38.000 I wish I could go back to the day I found it.

00:37:41.000 Yeah.

00:37:41.000 And it was like seven part series or whatever, and I'd play it, lay in bed, fall asleep, wake up, and have to go find out where I left off.

00:37:47.000 So good.

00:37:48.000 And I'd have dreams of being a Khan. 0.99

00:37:49.000 I remember having a dream of learning how to shoot a pigeon in the air.

00:37:54.000 We had to wait for all four hoofs off the ground?

00:37:56.000 I had a dream because I was listening to it sleeping.

00:37:58.000 Dude, I had the most...

00:37:59.000 I'm sorry, keep going.

00:38:00.000 No, go ahead.

00:38:01.000 I had the most active...

00:38:03.000 What is it when you dream and you're awake?

00:38:06.000 Lucid. 0.99

00:38:06.000 I had the most lucid fucking dream last night. 0.99

00:38:09.000 The most lucid dream. 0.99

00:38:11.000 I walked into this closet...

00:38:13.000 And I was on all fours, and I go, I'm not awake.

00:38:17.000 I think I'm dreaming.

00:38:18.000 And I went, I am dreaming.

00:38:20.000 I said, interesting.

00:38:21.000 And I sat crisscross applesauce, and I said, I want a beautiful woman to walk in the closet. 1.00

00:38:25.000 And a beautiful woman walked in the closet, and I went, I think I'm going to go down on her. 1.00

00:38:29.000 And I was like, yeah, this is a dream.

00:38:31.000 There's no cheating.

00:38:32.000 My wife's in Vietnam.

00:38:33.000 Let's go down on her. 1.00

00:38:34.000 I started going down on her, and I was like...

00:38:36.000 Where's this leading? 1.00

00:38:37.000 I think I'm going to fuck her. 1.00

00:38:38.000 I said, I should fuck her. 1.00

00:38:38.000 And then I was like, oh, yeah, we're fucking her. 1.00

00:38:41.000 And then I woke up. 1.00

00:38:42.000 I went, God damn it. 0.99

00:38:43.000 I wanted to stay back in it. 1.00

00:38:44.000 Should have went right to fucking. 1.00

00:38:45.000 All that eating pussy just wasted time. 1.00

00:38:47.000 She had the biggest clit. 1.00

00:38:48.000 How big? 1.00

00:38:50.000 Like a 10-inch dick. 1.00

00:38:52.000 No! 1.00

00:38:52.000 Like a knuckle! 1.00

00:38:53.000 Like a big black 10-inch dick. 1.00

00:38:55.000 You get stuck in your throat? 1.00

00:38:57.000 When she came, I almost drowned.

00:39:01.000 What is it?

00:39:03.000 What were you saying about the Dan Carlin thing?

00:39:06.000 I don't remember.

00:39:08.000 Sorry.

00:39:09.000 It's okay.

00:39:09.000 You're gonna access your rage from one of those moments.

00:39:14.000 Yeah, access your rage thinking about how you couldn't fuck her and you sucked her dick. 1.00

00:39:18.000 There's a lot of rage there. 1.00

00:39:19.000 That's super upsetting.

00:39:21.000 I mean, I used to do little tricks like that to get myself to work out harder.

00:39:26.000 That's why I have those in my head.

00:39:30.000 I just used to always feel like If the worst case scenario happened and you needed energy, how tired are you really?

00:39:39.000 Are you really tired?

00:39:40.000 Are you tired like, oh, I'm tired.

00:39:42.000 I just need to stop.

00:39:43.000 Or are you tired like, I can't survive right now.

00:39:47.000 Or are you tired like, someone I love dearly is in trouble and I can't help them.

00:39:51.000 How tired are you?

00:39:53.000 Yeah, that's different levels of tired for sure. 1.00

00:39:57.000 Yeah, I'm going to put those things up every day, motherfucker. 0.99

00:40:00.000 You're going to see those images of these workouts every day. 0.99

00:40:02.000 And I'm doing two a day.

00:40:03.000 You're doing two workouts a day?

00:40:04.000 Two a day like that.

00:40:05.000 Yeah, me too.

00:40:06.000 I already did mine today.

00:40:07.000 I walked three miles. 1.00

00:40:09.000 On that bullshit fucking treadmill that we were talking about. 1.00

00:40:13.000 Andy Stump's treadmill? 1.00

00:40:14.000 You don't like that?

00:40:15.000 Dude, it just is not enjoyable.

00:40:17.000 Because it's hard. 0.99

00:40:18.000 It's hard as fuck. 0.99

00:40:19.000 Yeah, but that's the whole idea behind it. 0.99

00:40:20.000 It's a difficult trip.

00:40:21.000 We are going for point total, right?

00:40:24.000 That's the move, right?

00:40:25.000 Well, I mean, there was two.

00:40:26.000 What are the other things?

00:40:27.000 The initial thought I had was, like, last year, it was 15 90-minute hot yoga classes.

00:40:33.000 Right.

00:40:33.000 So the idea was...

00:40:34.000 I'm going to do those, too.

00:40:35.000 Okay.

00:40:36.000 Well, the idea for that was that it was difficult but attainable, right?

00:40:41.000 And you had to be disciplined to do it.

00:40:42.000 So now you're going to do two workouts a day and 15 minutes?

00:40:47.000 Yeah, I'm going to count the yoga as one.

00:40:49.000 As one, okay.

00:40:50.000 As one of the workouts a day.

00:40:51.000 And then another hardcore one. 0.99

00:40:52.000 I'm doing the 15 hot yoga classes on top of all the other shit. 0.97

00:40:56.000 What is this number, the 1005? 0.99

00:41:00.000 That's your calories burned. 0.65

00:41:01.000 Oh, really?

00:41:02.000 That's what I said when you walked in.

00:41:04.000 I've never once burned a thousand calories in a workout. 1.00

00:41:06.000 That's a lot of fucking calories. 0.99

00:41:08.000 Yeah, it is a lot. 0.99

00:41:08.000 What's a normal workout burn? 0.99

00:41:10.000 I mean, if you're doing an intense one.

00:41:12.000 Oh.

00:41:13.000 I mean, here, I'll show you.

00:41:14.000 I got a bunch of them locked in here.

00:41:17.000 It says 98% of my heart rate max.

00:41:20.000 It's going to adjust.

00:41:21.000 Yeah, because it's 175. Yeah, it's going to adjust.

00:41:23.000 I think it's because I'm an old fuck. 1.00

00:41:25.000 It just thinks my heart rate doesn't go that high anymore. 1.00

00:41:29.000 It doesn't know I'm on the juice.

00:41:31.000 The number starts.

00:41:32.000 It says it's 220 minus your age is your max heart rate zone or something like that.

00:41:39.000 Well, that's not real.

00:41:40.000 So, yeah, the older you are, the lower your max is.

00:41:43.000 Well, it's broken. 1.00

00:41:44.000 The shit don't work, right? 1.00

00:41:45.000 I should be dead. 1.00

00:41:46.000 I think that's just where it should be. 0.59

00:41:47.000 I don't think that's, like, the max you're at.

00:41:49.000 All right, I did a workout a couple days ago, 63 minutes, 72% effort throughout, 864 calories burned.

00:41:56.000 That's a lot.

00:41:57.000 864?

00:41:58.000 Yeah.

00:41:58.000 That's a good workout.

00:41:59.000 Yeah.

00:42:00.000 And then this one...

00:42:01.000 That was a 62-minute workout?

00:42:02.000 Is that what you said?

00:42:02.000 Yeah.

00:42:03.000 This was a 93-minute workout.

00:42:04.000 I burned 1,300 calories.

00:42:06.000 Woo! 0.99

00:42:06.000 Is this real? 0.99

00:42:08.000 Yeah.

00:42:08.000 You could do that.

00:42:09.000 You could do that.

00:42:10.000 But you'd have to go hog.

00:42:12.000 Whole hog.

00:42:12.000 This was kickboxing.

00:42:13.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:14.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:15.000 You did a 90-minute kickboxing workout?

00:42:17.000 Well, no.

00:42:17.000 We did kickboxing for part of it.

00:42:19.000 Oh.

00:42:20.000 So you've got a trainer now.

00:42:21.000 Yeah.

00:42:21.000 Oh, look at you.

00:42:22.000 Mr. Tommy Moneybags.

00:42:24.000 Yeah.

00:42:24.000 Couple of Netflix specials, sell out a few theaters.

00:42:27.000 You know what I mean?

00:42:28.000 Yeah.

00:42:29.000 He's not saying he's doing more than selling out theaters.

00:42:30.000 His pre-sale sold out everything.

00:42:33.000 Selling out everything, huh?

00:42:35.000 When you're moving to arenas, fella?

00:42:37.000 Hey, speaking of arenas...

00:42:40.000 How was Toronto? 0.99

00:42:41.000 Fucking insane. 0.97

00:42:42.000 What is it like when you're doing 10,000 people? 0.99

00:42:44.000 10,600 people at the Scotiabank Arena.

00:42:47.000 It was the Air Canada Center.

00:42:48.000 The UFC's back there in December.

00:42:50.000 Isn't that crazy that you're going to be like, oh, one time I was here alone talking. 0.95

00:42:54.000 It's ridiculous. 0.83

00:42:54.000 And then you see it filled for events like that. 0.83

00:42:58.000 I mean, that's where the fucking Raptors play. 1.00

00:43:00.000 It's so ridiculous. 1.00

00:43:02.000 It doesn't seem real. 0.95

00:43:03.000 But I gotta say, the show felt like as intimate as a set at the store.

00:43:09.000 Really?

00:43:09.000 I'm not bullshitting.

00:43:10.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:43:11.000 Yeah, it was fucking nuts. 0.99

00:43:14.000 For real? 1.00

00:43:14.000 Yeah, it was fucking easy peasy. 1.00

00:43:17.000 It was fun. 0.96

00:43:18.000 I mean, it was literally like any other set.

00:43:20.000 I was nervous that I wasn't nervous.

00:43:24.000 I was nervous that I was...

00:43:25.000 I mean, I did a lot of sets leading up to it, like when I did...

00:43:30.000 I constantly do sets, but I did like...

00:43:34.000 I did four sets Thursday night.

00:43:37.000 Really?

00:43:38.000 Yeah, I did the Ice House Wednesday, so I did an hour-plus at the Ice House.

00:43:41.000 I did three sets on...

00:43:45.000 On Tuesday night.

00:43:46.000 Yeah, I mean that's that's I think that's the key is you just got to do Yeah, you have to just do so many that you're you're just Just like working out you can't have any doubt you got to be just in shape I just sent you a video.

00:44:00.000 This is this is shows you how ridiculous the crowd looked But when you're but you're also getting used to arenas because you've done a few now.

00:44:06.000 It's weird.

00:44:07.000 This is your fourth arena fourth.

00:44:09.000 Yeah, maybe fifth I did I did Columbus Vancouver I did Columbus.

00:44:15.000 I did Kansas City.

00:44:17.000 Kansas City was weird because it was outside.

00:44:18.000 That was weird.

00:44:19.000 That's like an amphitheater, right?

00:44:20.000 Yeah.

00:44:21.000 Crazy.

00:44:21.000 Yeah, I saw that.

00:44:22.000 But this was the biggest one.

00:44:23.000 This one was bananas.

00:44:25.000 You're wild, man. 1.00

00:44:26.000 I'm stressing, Tom and I are doing tours at the exact same time next year, and I'm stressing doing theaters, 1200 in the theater, going like, fuck it. 1.00

00:44:36.000 How do you, like... 0.99

00:44:37.000 It gets normal, man, after a while.

00:44:39.000 It gets normal.

00:44:40.000 Scoot ahead just a couple of seconds and you can see it when I get on stage.

00:44:43.000 Like, watch when they turn the lights on.

00:44:47.000 This is what's really strange.

00:44:50.000 When you get to look out over the entire audience.

00:44:54.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:44:56.000 That's fucking ridiculous. 1.00

00:44:57.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:44:58.000 That's madness.

00:45:00.000 That is...

00:45:00.000 That's wild, man.

00:45:02.000 Dude, that...

00:45:03.000 And there's an upper deck.

00:45:05.000 That...

00:45:06.000 It doesn't seem real and it just happened.

00:45:08.000 And you did this and the same night Burr did the forum.

00:45:13.000 20,000.

00:45:14.000 No, the forum's not 20,000.

00:45:16.000 The forum's 9,000.

00:45:18.000 The Western Forum?

00:45:19.000 The Great Western Forum.

00:45:20.000 I don't know what it is.

00:45:21.000 The thing online said it was 20,000 people.

00:45:23.000 I think they're wrong because Dean Del Rey said it was 9,000.

00:45:26.000 Okay.

00:45:26.000 I think they just made a mistake.

00:45:27.000 But it's huge.

00:45:28.000 Either way.

00:45:29.000 It's huge.

00:45:29.000 So I was thinking last night, and I know that you're not like this.

00:45:32.000 I know you're a little bit like this, but to compare different times of comedy, right?

00:45:37.000 And compare people.

00:45:38.000 I know you don't like comparing people, but has there ever been a time in comedy where this many acts were selling arenas, this many acts were selling theaters, and this many acts were selling out clubs?

00:45:48.000 I don't think so.

00:45:49.000 Well, Burr's sold out Madison Square Garden, which is way bigger than that.

00:45:53.000 Madison Square Garden, I think, is 18,000.

00:45:55.000 That's true.

00:45:55.000 How about this?

00:45:56.000 Sebastian is ready to sell four.

00:45:59.000 He's already sold out three.

00:46:00.000 They opened up a fourth show at Madison Square Garden.

00:46:03.000 Just stop and think about that.

00:46:05.000 That's almost 80,000 people.

00:46:08.000 That's crazy.

00:46:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:10.000 That's like a fucking NFL game. 1.00

00:46:13.000 Stadium. 1.00

00:46:14.000 Sebastian's murdering it.

00:46:16.000 Just look at theater comics.

00:46:17.000 Just legit selling multiple theater shows.

00:46:20.000 Eliza, D'Elia, you can name any of you.

00:46:24.000 You go down the list.

00:46:26.000 Aziz.

00:46:26.000 There's so many comics selling theaters that I don't think there's ever been a time...

00:46:31.000 No.

00:46:31.000 There's never been a time like this.

00:46:33.000 Never.

00:46:34.000 There's never been a time when this many comics are selling out multiple thousand seat places.

00:46:38.000 And then there's the big...

00:46:39.000 First of all, there's Kevin Hart, who's the biggest of the big.

00:46:41.000 He sells out 50,000.

00:46:43.000 Cat Williams is actually a lot bigger than he is.

00:46:45.000 Cat Williams?

00:46:46.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:46.000 I watched it on The Breakfast Club.

00:46:50.000 I'm joking.

00:46:51.000 I'm joking.

00:46:52.000 You didn't see Cat Williams just slam him? 1.00

00:46:54.000 I don't pay attention to that shit. 1.00

00:46:55.000 That was pretty fun. 1.00

00:46:56.000 I like Cat.

00:46:56.000 I like Kevin, too.

00:46:57.000 I like Cat, too, but he's...

00:46:58.000 He's eccentric at best. 0.78

00:47:00.000 No, Kevin's the biggest monster. 0.97

00:47:02.000 Kevin's the biggest. 1.00

00:47:03.000 He's the biggest monster. 0.96

00:47:04.000 He can sell 50,000. 0.63

00:47:06.000 He sold 50,000 in Philadelphia when he did his special.

00:47:09.000 Yeah.

00:47:09.000 There's only one of him.

00:47:11.000 But you know who's real close to him that people forget about is Larry the Cable Guy.

00:47:15.000 Because Larry the Cable Guy was selling out football stadiums because Josh Wolfe was opening for him and Josh Wolfe took a picture and showed it to me.

00:47:22.000 And he goes, dude, this was me on stage opening up for Larry the Cable Guy.

00:47:25.000 And you're like...

00:47:26.000 Yeah.

00:47:27.000 But people don't think about, first of all, Larry the Cable Guy is like the most humble, low-key.

00:47:31.000 Yeah, plus he's doing that in like the Heartland, so people will just dismiss it because it's not like an L.A. show or a New York show.

00:47:38.000 Right, right.

00:47:38.000 So those two guys, I think Kevin Hart is numero uno.

00:47:41.000 He's number one.

00:47:42.000 Yeah.

00:47:43.000 And then there's Chappelle could basically do anything.

00:47:46.000 He sells out Master's Square Garden. 0.99

00:47:48.000 He sold out the fucking Forum. 1.00

00:47:50.000 Not the Forum. 1.00

00:47:51.000 The Hollywood Bowl.

00:47:52.000 Yeah, that's huge.

00:47:53.000 What is that, $20,000?

00:47:54.000 I don't know.

00:47:55.000 That's like $20,000.

00:47:56.000 He has amphitheater offers, like left and right.

00:47:59.000 And then they'll probably be like, yeah, you do a show.

00:48:03.000 You'll get like $700,000.

00:48:05.000 He'll be like, I'm going to do the belly room. 0.79

00:48:06.000 And then he just goes and does that. 0.99

00:48:08.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 0.99

00:48:08.000 Because he likes it. 0.99

00:48:09.000 He likes the intimate shows.

00:48:11.000 Well, he's also...

00:48:12.000 I hate to use a term like this, but he's a legitimate artist.

00:48:15.000 Yeah.

00:48:15.000 He's just trying to do better work, do better comedy, and always evolve it.

00:48:20.000 He's one of the rare guys that could do a special, and then the next week we'll have a new hour.

00:48:23.000 Yeah.

00:48:24.000 And somehow or another it works.

00:48:25.000 It just comes out of him.

00:48:25.000 I know.

00:48:26.000 I mean, he's just supremely dedicated, you know?

00:48:30.000 Yeah.

00:48:30.000 So there's him.

00:48:32.000 There's Chris Rock.

00:48:33.000 He can still sell out pretty big places.

00:48:35.000 If Louie came back, I think he could sell out giant places.

00:48:39.000 Giant.

00:48:39.000 Burr sells out everywhere he wants to.

00:48:41.000 Burr could sell out...

00:48:42.000 He sold out Boston Garden, which is like $18,000.

00:48:46.000 Yeah.

00:48:46.000 Wells Fargo Center in Philly.

00:48:48.000 How big is that?

00:48:49.000 $15,000.

00:48:50.000 Yeah.

00:48:50.000 That's crazy.

00:48:51.000 Yeah, he could sell out all those places.

00:48:53.000 It's really hard to put in perspective, and I think you guys can understand this, but I mean...

00:48:57.000 You were selling out clubs, what, like, 17 years ago were you just doing clubs?

00:49:03.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:49:04.000 But when you were selling out clubs, when you were selling out just clubs, that's an achievement in this business.

00:49:10.000 I mean, to sell out weekends and ad shows is a legit achievement.

00:49:14.000 Definitely. 0.99

00:49:14.000 But it's so undermined when you go in and you do San Jose or you do whatever and you sell out everything and then go, oh my god, like, holy shit. 0.99

00:49:23.000 The possibilities are endless. 0.92

00:49:26.000 Yeah.

00:49:27.000 Well, it's the internet.

00:49:28.000 That's what it is.

00:49:31.000 There's this network of comics now that everybody knows about.

00:49:36.000 If you know about Bill, you know about Joey Diaz, you know about you, you know about you.

00:49:40.000 It's like there's this thing going on now where everyone's sort of connected.

00:49:45.000 Yeah.

00:49:45.000 That's never existed before.

00:49:47.000 And then a lot of these people, not Sebastian, he's one of the rare ones that doesn't, but most of these people have podcasts.

00:49:52.000 Kevin Hart doesn't, obviously, but Kevin Hart has major movies.

00:49:55.000 Sebastian actually does one.

00:49:56.000 He does a podcast?

00:49:57.000 Yeah, with Pete Correale.

00:49:58.000 With Pete Correale, yeah.

00:49:59.000 I didn't even know.

00:49:59.000 But I don't think he can get to it weekly, but they definitely put it out.

00:50:04.000 It's on SiriusXM.

00:50:05.000 I think he'd do it specifically for SiriusXM right now.

00:50:06.000 Just does it whenever he can get to it.

00:50:08.000 I think so.

00:50:08.000 Yeah, man.

00:50:10.000 You've been in this the longest of the three of us, but have you ever known a time in comedy when comics were more friendly?

00:50:18.000 It seems like everyone's on the same team.

00:50:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:50:21.000 This is a completely different thing.

00:50:22.000 I've talked about this before. 0.97

00:50:23.000 It's because I really believe it's because the internet and also because there's no things we're fighting for anymore like tonight show spots Or stupid shit like that, or sitcom auditions.

00:50:35.000 But in the past, it was like there was three channels, and there was The Tonight Show and The Letterman Show, and everybody wanted to host The Tonight Show, but Jay Leno was hosting it forever, or Johnny Carson before him. 0.96

00:50:46.000 And there was this competition between comics where they were just cutthroat.

00:50:50.000 There's not that anymore.

00:50:52.000 Now, instead, like radio shows, right? 0.98

00:50:55.000 Radio shows always shit on the other radio shows. 0.99

00:50:58.000 Always. 1.00

00:50:58.000 They always. 1.00

00:50:59.000 The other morning shows in town, they shit on them. 1.00

00:51:01.000 It was all shitting on everybody. 1.00

00:51:03.000 Fuck them. 1.00

00:51:03.000 Like Howard Stern was notorious for it. 1.00

00:51:05.000 Yeah.

00:51:06.000 We do the opposite.

00:51:07.000 They'd start wars for ratings.

00:51:08.000 Yeah, but we do the opposite.

00:51:10.000 We all have successful podcasts, but we all have each other on our podcast.

00:51:14.000 We're all super friendly about it.

00:51:16.000 We all promote each other's specials.

00:51:18.000 We all hang out together.

00:51:20.000 There's a camaraderie amongst comedians now.

00:51:23.000 It used to be like there might be some camaraderie amongst a couple, but it would always go bad.

00:51:28.000 There was never a bunch of real headliners hanging out together like they are now.

00:51:35.000 Yeah.

00:51:35.000 I mean, even the simplest things, like D'Lea does something funny, and I'll just put her, I'll talk about it on my open tabs, and get like half a million views.

00:51:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:51:43.000 And then you just go like, I mean, D'Lea's might be one of my favorite people to watch these days, because I just watch his Instagram and go, what's he doing today?

00:51:51.000 He's ridiculous.

00:51:51.000 I can totally talk about it on my open tabs and just share it with everyone.

00:51:54.000 Yeah.

00:51:54.000 And just go, oh great, Brandon Schaub.

00:51:57.000 Dude, it's been funny shit. 0.97

00:51:59.000 Did you guys see Dean Del Rey sing? 0.98

00:52:01.000 Yeah, I saw it because you posted it.

00:52:02.000 Put that up.

00:52:03.000 Yeah.

00:52:04.000 It's got...

00:52:04.000 Okay, so I put that on my Instagram.

00:52:06.000 This is another good example.

00:52:07.000 I put that on my Instagram and it's got like 700,000 views.

00:52:10.000 He can really sing. 1.00

00:52:11.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:52:12.000 Yes, he can. 1.00

00:52:12.000 Yeah, he can. 1.00

00:52:13.000 Like, he can really sing like, what?

00:52:15.000 Like, wait a minute.

00:52:16.000 I didn't know you could do that.

00:52:17.000 Yeah.

00:52:19.000 It's got...

00:52:20.000 Yeah.

00:52:22.000 670,000.

00:52:36.000 We're good to go.

00:52:37.000 We're good to go.

00:53:02.000 Yo, look how happy he looks.

00:53:03.000 Dean's living his best life, man.

00:53:06.000 Look at him. 0.99

00:53:14.000 I told him, I go, send me the whole fucking video, man. 1.00

00:53:17.000 I go, you're a fucking murderer, man. 1.00

00:53:19.000 He's an inspiration, man. 1.00

00:53:21.000 He did Conan the night I did Conan, and he was so excited, and it was so amazing to see Burr showed up.

00:53:26.000 Everyone was in the back of the room, and he came off.

00:53:28.000 He was like, that's my first late night.

00:53:29.000 And I think Dean's 50...

00:53:31.000 Yeah, you gotta respect it, dude.

00:53:32.000 He started stand-up like...

00:53:34.000 46 or something like that?

00:53:35.000 Something like that.

00:53:36.000 It's not common to stick with it and keep getting better at it.

00:53:41.000 It was so cool to be on the end of Conan with him, Maren, me, Maren, and Dean.

00:53:46.000 Just three comics.

00:53:47.000 And that's booking.

00:53:49.000 There's no celebrity.

00:53:50.000 It's just three comics.

00:53:52.000 And Dean's the only one that did stand-up.

00:53:54.000 It was just like... 0.99

00:53:54.000 Oh fuck yeah. 0.99

00:53:55.000 Yeah, that's what I saw someone said it was it felt like the green room at the main room in the Comedy Store. 1.00

00:54:00.000 Yeah, and Burr is living, let me tell you something, Bill Burr is living his best fucking life right now. 0.76

00:54:05.000 He does these, when he does The Garden, or when he does The Forum, they come in with the goddamn Comedy Jam and set up a thing, and they do a full concert to an empty venue before the show. 0.97

00:54:14.000 Yeah, they just do it for themselves.

00:54:16.000 Yeah, that's awesome.

00:54:17.000 They just want to play The Forum.

00:54:19.000 Bill told me he played from 2 to 6.30.

00:54:22.000 Really?

00:54:22.000 Yeah.

00:54:23.000 Just played all day.

00:54:24.000 He said, I was exhausted.

00:54:25.000 He was, I was worried I was too tired to do this show.

00:54:27.000 Hilarious.

00:54:28.000 But that's how much fun he's having doing it.

00:54:30.000 Dude, what would you do?

00:54:31.000 If you did, like, would you set up a football game and play football?

00:54:34.000 Yeah, what would you do?

00:54:35.000 Man, I mean, I would watch one.

00:54:39.000 I would just invite people to come watch a game.

00:54:41.000 That'd be fun. 0.99

00:54:42.000 I mean, he's fucking flying helicopters. 0.99

00:54:44.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:54:45.000 Playing drums.

00:54:46.000 I mean, yeah.

00:54:47.000 Yeah, no, he's...

00:54:48.000 No, this is an interesting time.

00:54:50.000 But this is also, it shows you that Because of all this camaraderie and that everybody's doing really well, it shows you that that's possible, that the old way of looking at things is the wrong way.

00:55:04.000 That's a selfish, famine-thinking way.

00:55:06.000 It's the wrong way.

00:55:07.000 I would hire a DJ to bring me out to an event like that, though, if I was doing an arena.

00:55:11.000 Really?

00:55:12.000 Doesn't Russell do that?

00:55:13.000 He does that.

00:55:14.000 I think Chappelle does that.

00:55:15.000 Did you see Russell brought out MC Shan out on stage to all his white audience?

00:55:22.000 And he freestyled, these are the breaks.

00:55:25.000 And all the white people just sat there staring at Russell. 0.99

00:55:27.000 And Russell got up and was like, are you fucking kidding me? 0.98

00:55:30.000 He brings like old school legends everywhere. 0.97

00:55:34.000 Well, he'll do a gig and then after a gig he'll go to a club and DJ. Yeah, he will.

00:55:38.000 He can actually DJ, too.

00:55:40.000 Like, real DJ. He can really DJ. With records and scratching and all that stuff.

00:55:43.000 He knows his shit, man. 1.00

00:55:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:55:45.000 He gets mad at those electronic music guys who call themselves DJs.

00:55:48.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:48.000 That's not a DJ. That's not a DJ. He goes back, like, you've got to be able to get vinyl, dig through the crates, flip it around.

00:55:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:55:56.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:55:56.000 No, he knows his stuff, man.

00:55:57.000 He really does.

00:55:58.000 Well, he's another one that sells out.

00:55:59.000 He's at that other place, that place that I was at in November.

00:56:03.000 Really?

00:56:03.000 Yeah, he's at the Scotiabank Arena.

00:56:05.000 Oh yeah, he's done that a bunch, man.

00:56:07.000 That's his hometown.

00:56:08.000 Selling out giant places.

00:56:09.000 There's so much of that going on right now.

00:56:11.000 It's like his seventh time doing that, too.

00:56:13.000 Oh yeah, at least.

00:56:14.000 It's overwhelming, man.

00:56:15.000 It really is.

00:56:16.000 You know what it is?

00:56:17.000 I had a guy say to me one time, and I think this is what it is.

00:56:21.000 I had a guy come up to me at West Palm.

00:56:22.000 I was doing New Year's Eve. 1.00

00:56:24.000 Drunk as fuck. 1.00

00:56:25.000 Both of us, probably. 1.00

00:56:27.000 We're both shirtless.

00:56:28.000 I'm doing the meet and greet.

00:56:29.000 He goes, I need to talk to you for like two minutes. 1.00

00:56:33.000 Did you think you wanted to fuck you? 1.00

00:56:34.000 No, I get this a lot. 1.00

00:56:36.000 That's where I go, I'm good, thanks.

00:56:39.000 I'm Johnny, meet and greet.

00:56:41.000 And so I go, they're like, sir, you got to move along.

00:56:43.000 I'll give them two minutes.

00:56:44.000 And he's like, dude, I'm a fan.

00:56:47.000 Do you know what that means?

00:56:48.000 I was like, yeah, yeah.

00:56:48.000 And he goes, no, no, no, no.

00:56:49.000 You're not listening to me.

00:56:51.000 When you do well, I get happy.

00:56:53.000 He's like, it makes me happy to see good things happen to you.

00:56:55.000 I will always be a fan.

00:56:57.000 I'll always support you.

00:56:57.000 And as soon as he said that, I thought, it sounds super silly, but...

00:57:01.000 Before I met you, I was a fan.

00:57:02.000 When the Carlos stuff went down, I got behind your back and I was like, I'm a fan of Joe's.

00:57:08.000 I like what he's doing.

00:57:09.000 He's standing up for me.

00:57:10.000 And in a weird way, being a fan of something is so fucking fun when you become a fan.

00:57:14.000 And I think what podcasts have done is allowed you to become intimate with your fans and they support you in a way like people go out and they see a video of Dean singing and they go, oh yeah, I'm happy...

00:57:25.000 We're all happy for him. 0.97

00:57:27.000 When you do 10,000 seats, I think there are people going, fuck yeah, man. 0.99

00:57:30.000 My guy's winning. 0.97

00:57:31.000 Does that make sense?

00:57:32.000 Yeah.

00:57:32.000 No, I know what you're saying.

00:57:33.000 Yeah.

00:57:33.000 I think it's cool.

00:57:34.000 And we're fans of each other, too.

00:57:35.000 That's big, too.

00:57:36.000 Also, people realize, hey, you can be a fan of someone.

00:57:40.000 It doesn't mean that somehow or another you're a lesser person.

00:57:44.000 You know what I mean?

00:57:45.000 Yeah.

00:57:45.000 Like, I'm sure Bill Burr is a fan of Chappelle.

00:57:49.000 I'm sure Chappelle's a fan of Chris Rock.

00:57:51.000 Like, people are fans of other people's art.

00:57:55.000 Oh, totally.

00:57:55.000 Whereas, I think in the past, that wasn't the case.

00:57:58.000 It was not.

00:57:58.000 It was about separate camps.

00:58:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:58:00.000 It was like, I'm in this, if you're on that side, which is so dumb. 0.99

00:58:03.000 So dumb. 0.99

00:58:04.000 Because you can also, it's like, you know, you can like one type of music the most, but still enjoy other music. 1.00

00:58:11.000 Don't you think that?

00:58:12.000 I think that when the internet opened up all these possibilities, that's when it happened, though.

00:58:15.000 Probably.

00:58:16.000 It seems like it to me.

00:58:17.000 I think it was podcasting.

00:58:18.000 Yes.

00:58:20.000 Podcasting, I guess that is the internet.

00:58:21.000 I'm sorry, I was thinking of YouTube for some reason.

00:58:23.000 But can you imagine Dice and Kinison?

00:58:26.000 They hated each other.

00:58:27.000 They hated each other.

00:58:27.000 That was the way it worked.

00:58:29.000 That was the bullet hole at the store, the belly room store. 1.00

00:58:32.000 That's because Sam Kinison brought a gun and shot the fucking sign to let Dice know that he was going to fucking shoot him. 0.99

00:58:38.000 He didn't just pull out a gun. 1.00

00:58:40.000 He pulled out a gun and shot a fucking sign. 1.00

00:58:42.000 That's really crazy. 1.00

00:58:43.000 Yeah, they just fixed it a few years ago.

00:58:45.000 I was mad when they fixed it.

00:58:46.000 Yeah, they should have left.

00:58:47.000 Why would you fix that?

00:58:49.000 That's really crazy, though.

00:58:51.000 Yeah.

00:58:51.000 God, I gotta start doing that to you, Bert.

00:58:53.000 Just shooting things. 0.99

00:58:53.000 Pulling guns out. 0.99

00:58:54.000 Pulling guns out on people.

00:58:55.000 Where's Bert's name? 1.00

00:58:55.000 Shoot it and shoot the sign. 1.00

00:58:57.000 Yeah, but I think those guys were doing coke, too, and we smoked pot. 0.99

00:59:00.000 That's true.

00:59:00.000 It's way different.

00:59:02.000 It's way different.

00:59:03.000 That might be the key ingredient to this whole thing.

00:59:06.000 You smoke pot, you want to hug people.

00:59:07.000 You do coke, you're like, you want to fight, bro? 1.00

00:59:09.000 I'll fuck you up. 1.00

00:59:10.000 I'll hold you down. 1.00

00:59:11.000 I'll fuck your mouth. 1.00

00:59:11.000 I'll fuck your mother. 1.00

00:59:13.000 I'll fuck your mother's mother. 1.00

00:59:15.000 I'll dig up her mother and fuck her bones. 1.00

00:59:18.000 And then I'll start a business! 1.00

00:59:21.000 It's also, everyone was scratching and clawing.

00:59:25.000 There wasn't a lot of opportunities.

00:59:27.000 I think it's the pot, too, though.

00:59:30.000 I think it's guys like Diaz and Ari and you and me, there's a different sensibility.

00:59:36.000 There's a more generous sensibility.

00:59:39.000 I think so.

00:59:41.000 I mean, I think it's everything.

00:59:43.000 For me, I'm big on generosity, and I'm big on support.

00:59:49.000 I think you have to do that with people around you.

00:59:51.000 It does become contagious, too.

00:59:53.000 When you have it done to you, you want to do it for other people, for sure.

00:59:57.000 It's giant.

00:59:58.000 Yeah.

00:59:59.000 Help out opening acts.

01:00:00.000 Help out other comics.

01:00:01.000 And as you rise up, they'll do the same.

01:00:03.000 They'll do the same for the other guys.

01:00:05.000 And you see them doing that, they'll start taking guys with them on the road.

01:00:08.000 Spread it around.

01:00:09.000 Yeah.

01:00:10.000 Look, man, who do we like more than comics?

01:00:12.000 And who do you want to hang out with more than comedians?

01:00:16.000 We're the most fun for us to hang out with. 1.00

01:00:19.000 We could say ridiculous shit and then we'll laugh at it. 0.99

01:00:23.000 We won't like, well, I don't know why you said that, Tom. 1.00

01:00:25.000 You shouldn't have called that lady a cunt. 1.00

01:00:26.000 Especially not her friend. 0.99

01:00:27.000 And then, you know, I think you owe her son an apology.

01:00:30.000 I mean, if I was her son, I would have clocked you.

01:00:32.000 Yeah.

01:00:34.000 People wouldn't think it's funny.

01:00:35.000 Of course.

01:00:36.000 If you were working at Xerox and you said all that, people would, you know, they'd bring you into your HR. You're a liability.

01:00:40.000 We've got to let you go. 0.99

01:00:41.000 We've got to let you go.

01:00:42.000 It's true.

01:00:43.000 I know.

01:00:44.000 And those are the worst people to, like, get stuck at a dinner with or something. 1.00

01:00:48.000 You know, you're like, oh, shit. 1.00

01:00:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:50.000 You just got to torture them. 0.86

01:00:51.000 Yeah, it's the worst.

01:00:52.000 Yeah, I used to feel terrible when I was around those people.

01:00:55.000 I used to feel like there was something wrong with me.

01:00:57.000 Yeah, of course.

01:00:59.000 Real stuck-up, super conservative people.

01:01:02.000 I would just think, oh, there's something wrong with me.

01:01:04.000 Why do I think this way?

01:01:05.000 Why do I always want to say the inappropriate thing?

01:01:07.000 Yeah.

01:01:08.000 It's like a muscle twitch.

01:01:10.000 You go, just see how far you can make it happen.

01:01:11.000 Of course!

01:01:12.000 You start talking, and then you're like...

01:01:13.000 That can be an education in a foot race.

01:01:14.000 You're like, what?

01:01:15.000 You hurt me. 1.00

01:01:17.000 Put your money where you mouth is, asshole. 1.00

01:01:19.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:01:20.000 And then you just see eyes widen and they're like, okay.

01:01:24.000 And you're like, dude, we're not at a seminar right now.

01:01:26.000 Right. 0.99

01:01:27.000 And that's what's bullshit about seminars. 0.99

01:01:29.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:01:29.000 I mean, can you imagine if you were in the world of business? 0.98

01:01:32.000 See, I really think this is one of the reasons why so many people are so fucked up and so depressed. 0.95

01:01:36.000 I think the world of showing up to a place and then... 0.96

01:01:40.000 Having your behavior limited into this very narrow and rigid parameters all day long and your livelihood and your success of your family and whether or not you can send your kids to a good school, all that depended upon whether or not you're willing to play the rules.

01:01:56.000 Yeah.

01:01:57.000 You have to wear an outfit with a suit and a tie because if you don't, you might be unpredictable.

01:02:01.000 And you show up with that t-shirt on.

01:02:02.000 He's got a football shirt on at work. 1.00

01:02:04.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:02:05.000 Is he drunk? 1.00

01:02:05.000 What is he, crazy? 1.00

01:02:07.000 He's doing drugs? 0.99

01:02:08.000 It's true.

01:02:09.000 You know what I mean?

01:02:10.000 I've never let it join around people that don't just like joints around people.

01:02:13.000 Yeah, Elon Musk. 1.00

01:02:18.000 I crashed Tesla's stock by $9 billion or some stupid shit. 1.00

01:02:22.000 So crazy. 1.00

01:02:23.000 Yeah, but not really.

01:02:24.000 It bounced right back.

01:02:26.000 It bounced back, but yeah.

01:02:27.000 But it's that world.

01:02:28.000 First of all, we were drinking whiskey, okay?

01:02:32.000 No one has a problem with that, which is way more of a hard drug, way more of a crazy drug than a little puff of a joint.

01:02:37.000 We were drinking whiskey.

01:02:39.000 No one cared.

01:02:39.000 We drank whiskey for three hours.

01:02:41.000 No one cared.

01:02:42.000 Smoked a little joint.

01:02:43.000 I don't even think he inhaled.

01:02:45.000 Didn't look like it.

01:02:46.000 Didn't look like it.

01:02:46.000 He looked like a ninth grader.

01:02:48.000 He didn't know what to do.

01:02:49.000 He took a little puff.

01:02:49.000 You know?

01:02:51.000 Yeah.

01:02:51.000 New kid at school.

01:02:53.000 Just means everyone just wants to, oh, I'd do it too.

01:02:56.000 Not bad.

01:02:57.000 Yeah.

01:02:58.000 Fascinating.

01:02:58.000 That is crazy.

01:03:00.000 I mean, another layer of it, you did it in California.

01:03:03.000 Exactly.

01:03:04.000 Totally legal.

01:03:05.000 Totally legal.

01:03:05.000 Yeah, it's no different than having that glass of whiskey.

01:03:08.000 You know California said you could fly with it now?

01:03:10.000 What?

01:03:11.000 LAX said you could have an ounce of weed with you on an airplane.

01:03:13.000 Really? 0.96

01:03:14.000 They said, we don't know what the fuck's going to happen when you land somewhere, but you can go through LAX with an ounce of weed. 0.97

01:03:19.000 I'm sorry. 0.97

01:03:19.000 By the way, I looked up private suite after I talked to you. 0.97

01:03:23.000 Super expensive.

01:03:24.000 So expensive. 1.00

01:03:25.000 Stupid expensive. 1.00

01:03:26.000 How did you know about it? 1.00

01:03:27.000 Sam Harris.

01:03:28.000 He told me about it.

01:03:29.000 Yeah.

01:03:29.000 Yeah, I'm like, I like people.

01:03:31.000 I don't mind going to the airport and saying hi to people.

01:03:33.000 That thing is like $7,000 a flight.

01:03:36.000 It was round trip, yeah.

01:03:38.000 No!

01:03:39.000 I think it was $3,000.

01:03:41.000 Well, the membership, I thought the membership was it, and they're like, membership gets you the prices, so you pay $4,500 to be a member, and then $2,700 for a domestic flight.

01:03:52.000 Per flight.

01:03:53.000 Yeah.

01:03:54.000 For, like, your own entrance, you know, whatever, your own meals, your own check-in, your own TSA. Yeah, you get, like, a little room you hang out in.

01:04:04.000 I think it sounded cool for, like, a family vacation or something, you know?

01:04:07.000 If you're Chris Pratt, it definitely makes sense.

01:04:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:04:11.000 If you're some A-list actor-type person who can't go anywhere.

01:04:14.000 Yeah, if you're Tom Cruise.

01:04:15.000 Well, he's...

01:04:16.000 But those guys, they have to fly private.

01:04:17.000 They do.

01:04:18.000 They own their own planes, most of them.

01:04:20.000 There's some article online about John Travolta's yacht.

01:04:24.000 Pull up John Travolta's yacht. 0.99

01:04:27.000 I bet if you went over that fucking thing with a black light... 0.99

01:04:32.000 It would look like a Jackson Pollock painting. 1.00

01:04:37.000 Just be fucking splatters. 0.99

01:04:40.000 Jesus. 1.00

01:04:40.000 He got a new yacht? 1.00

01:04:42.000 Everywhere.

01:04:43.000 Yeah, apparently.

01:04:44.000 Well, the Cabin Boys place really is lighting up.

01:04:47.000 Cabin Boys place got five locks on the door.

01:04:52.000 He's got bolts on the inside and outside.

01:04:57.000 All the deckhands are really worn out here, yeah.

01:05:00.000 He's got very weird latex outfits for them to wear.

01:05:03.000 Yeah, it's... 1.00

01:05:05.000 The money that that fucking guy must have. 1.00

01:05:07.000 God. 1.00

01:05:08.000 Yeah.

01:05:09.000 He's got his own jet and he has his own like a jet jet.

01:05:12.000 He has a 747. Yeah.

01:05:14.000 He has a 747. Yes.

01:05:15.000 And he has a runway in his house.

01:05:17.000 For what?

01:05:17.000 He has like multiple planes.

01:05:19.000 Look at that.

01:05:20.000 Full story behind Travolta's private jet fleet.

01:05:23.000 Look at that.

01:05:24.000 He's got his arm out the window.

01:05:25.000 Do you think he flies with a window open? 1.00

01:05:27.000 That's a fucking commercial plane. 1.00

01:05:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:05:29.000 In the back room, it's all like a slip and slide with baby oil.

01:05:34.000 That's all it is.

01:05:36.000 Look at that.

01:05:37.000 Look how many he has, it says.

01:05:39.000 He's got multiple Gulfstreams.

01:05:40.000 You know, he flew for Qantas as a commercial pilot.

01:05:44.000 He did?

01:05:45.000 Yes.

01:05:45.000 Like on...

01:05:46.000 They actually let him fly.

01:05:48.000 He's that good of a pilot.

01:05:49.000 Wow.

01:05:50.000 That I think he has some sort of commercial standing with Qantas.

01:05:53.000 He has a military jet. 0.93

01:05:55.000 Just in case someone calls him a homo. 1.00

01:05:57.000 Flies over and fucking buttons him down. 1.00

01:06:00.000 That's really crazy. 1.00

01:06:02.000 Some guy gets mad at him asking to get a handjob at a massage. 0.98

01:06:04.000 See if you... 0.98

01:06:04.000 That's his jet. 0.98

01:06:05.000 That's his yacht?

01:06:06.000 Yeah.

01:06:06.000 That's his yacht.

01:06:07.000 Christ.

01:06:07.000 I didn't see any stories about it by this.

01:06:10.000 Hashtag baller. 0.99

01:06:11.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:06:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:06:13.000 That is ballin'.

01:06:14.000 That's a crazy yacht, man.

01:06:16.000 I mean, that's like a $100 million yacht right there.

01:06:18.000 Where did he make all his money?

01:06:21.000 I mean, how much money did he make from like Pulp Fiction?

01:06:24.000 He had that one great movie about being a Russian spy or teaching a Russian spy.

01:06:28.000 His wealth wealth wasn't...

01:06:33.000 He kind of depleted when Pulp Fiction was like around 93. And then that made him so famous and hot again that he was a $20 million movie guy while that was lasting.

01:06:46.000 Face-off.

01:06:47.000 Yeah, all those movies.

01:06:48.000 But he's doing terrible movies now.

01:06:52.000 Yeah.

01:06:53.000 Is he?

01:06:53.000 Yeah, he did that Gotti movie.

01:06:55.000 It's supposed to be...

01:06:56.000 We should probably have a fight companion for Gotti.

01:06:58.000 I heard it was really bad.

01:06:59.000 I've heard it's so bad.

01:07:00.000 I'm in.

01:07:01.000 We should do...

01:07:02.000 November rolls around, we can get drunk again.

01:07:04.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:07:05.000 Let's get hammered and watch this Gotti movie. 1.00

01:07:07.000 It's supposed to be a wretched sack of shit. 1.00

01:07:10.000 Let's do it. 1.00

01:07:10.000 I'm in. 1.00

01:07:11.000 Let's do it.

01:07:12.000 Let's do it.

01:07:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:07:13.000 We'll do that.

01:07:14.000 We've been meaning to do that.

01:07:15.000 What was the other terrible movie we were meaning to do that with?

01:07:17.000 I have it on.

01:07:18.000 It's called Roar.

01:07:19.000 The movie about lions.

01:07:20.000 Oh, that's right.

01:07:21.000 That's right.

01:07:22.000 There was a movie where a guy who was a lion trainer actually made a movie with lions and a bunch of people that were making the thing.

01:07:29.000 Oh, play the clip. 0.51

01:07:30.000 Let's hear the clip.

01:07:35.000 Do you have the wrong music playing?

01:07:40.000 The music is really the Sting song? 1.00

01:07:51.000 That's a piece of shit movie this is. 1.00

01:07:54.000 The trailer sucks. 1.00

01:07:55.000 Look, this is like an acting class. 0.99

01:07:56.000 Good, let it play out.

01:08:00.000 Oh, will YouTube yank us for the audio?

01:08:04.000 Look at him.

01:08:08.000 There's a look he just did.

01:08:10.000 Look at his face!

01:08:10.000 The truth!

01:08:11.000 He looks so fake! 1.00

01:08:22.000 Okay, kill it. 1.00

01:08:23.000 Kill it. 1.00

01:08:24.000 I can't do this. 1.00

01:08:24.000 This is so bad. 1.00

01:08:25.000 I almost feel like you can't even do a mobster anymore.

01:08:29.000 It's like it feels like a joke to play.

01:08:32.000 You could do it, but it would have to be like you have to bring James Gandolfini back to life.

01:08:37.000 Like if James Gandolfini was alive today, he could do a Sopranos movie.

01:08:41.000 Yeah, sure.

01:08:41.000 Because you believed it.

01:08:43.000 Right.

01:08:43.000 It's got to be authentic.

01:08:44.000 Yeah, you'd believe it.

01:08:49.000 Scorsese could probably do it again.

01:08:52.000 There's just a bunch of people.

01:08:53.000 He's got a new one coming.

01:08:55.000 When he's playing young God, he just looks like a grown-up Danny Zuko.

01:09:00.000 Hey, apparently Danny and the Greasers.

01:09:03.000 I'll tell you what, man.

01:09:04.000 The T-Birds. 0.97

01:09:05.000 After the Sopranos came on the air, everybody wanted to be Italian. 0.98

01:09:08.000 It was one of those gross moments in time where all these Italians were, like, empowered, and they were all talking like goombas, and they all wanted to fucking get together and have pasta. 1.00

01:09:19.000 A little fucking pasta together. 1.00

01:09:21.000 Come on. 1.00

01:09:21.000 They, like, ramped it up. 1.00

01:09:23.000 They say mozzarella.

01:09:24.000 Mozzarella.

01:09:25.000 Mozzarella.

01:09:26.000 Lots started doing the hand gestures like the guys.

01:09:28.000 Come on.

01:09:29.000 There's a lot of that going on. 0.95

01:09:30.000 And, you know, as a person who's legitimately Italian, it was disgusting to me. 1.00

01:09:34.000 I was like, you fucking apes. 1.00

01:09:36.000 Like, what are you doing? 1.00

01:09:37.000 You know?

01:09:38.000 Yeah.

01:09:38.000 Yeah, you see it.

01:09:39.000 Yeah, they ramped it up, you know?

01:09:41.000 And Greek people are like, I'm Italian. 0.98

01:09:43.000 Start pretending that they're...

01:09:45.000 People would pretend!

01:09:46.000 For sure. 1.00

01:09:47.000 There was a time where there were so many auditions for so many fucking movies that was all about Italians. 1.00

01:09:53.000 All Italians, yeah. 0.99

01:09:54.000 What is this, Life on the Line?

01:09:58.000 A power line guy?

01:10:01.000 Really?

01:10:02.000 Come on! 0.61

01:10:04.000 By the way, we should...

01:10:06.000 This is probably worse, for sure. 1.00

01:10:09.000 What the fuck?! 1.00

01:10:11.000 How about Urban Cowboy?

01:10:12.000 This is the premise of Urban Cowboy.

01:10:15.000 Urban Cowboy works on the line.

01:10:17.000 We'll have a double feature.

01:10:18.000 It'll be a three hour night.

01:10:20.000 We'll play Gotti and we'll play Life on the Line.

01:10:23.000 We'll have people sync it up.

01:10:25.000 This is what we'll do.

01:10:26.000 Mark those two.

01:10:27.000 Mark those two movies.

01:10:29.000 And so we'll get those on the Netflix. 0.98

01:10:31.000 And after Sober October's over, we'll get fucking hammered. 0.87

01:10:35.000 We'll bring a five gallon jug of Tito's in here. 0.97

01:10:40.000 We'll play two movies.

01:10:42.000 I love it.

01:10:43.000 I love it.

01:10:44.000 I rented a Bruce Willis one to laugh at. 1.00

01:10:47.000 I was like, this is going to be a piece of shit. 0.99

01:10:49.000 And it didn't get bad until like 25 minutes were left. 1.00

01:10:54.000 I was actually, this is a pretty good movie.

01:10:55.000 What movie was this?

01:10:56.000 I think it's called Death Wish, which I think it's a remake.

01:10:59.000 Death Wish?

01:11:00.000 Bruce Willis?

01:11:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:11:01.000 And it was actually really well done until like third act.

01:11:05.000 Really?

01:11:06.000 Then it like fell apart. 1.00

01:11:07.000 But I'm watching it like, this is going to be a piece of shit. 1.00

01:11:09.000 And 30 minutes in, I'm like, this is a good fucking movie. 1.00

01:11:12.000 It was like that with The Snowman. 0.98

01:11:13.000 Did you see The Snowman?

01:11:16.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:11:16.000 What was The Snowman?

01:11:18.000 Death Wish, Bruce Willis.

01:11:19.000 It's better than I thought.

01:11:20.000 That movie got delayed for some reason.

01:11:23.000 Why did it get delayed?

01:11:23.000 Because of mass shootings or something?

01:11:26.000 Oh, boy.

01:11:27.000 I think so.

01:11:30.000 Yeah, something along those lines.

01:11:32.000 6.4 at IMDB. I mean, the trailer makes it seem like real dog shit. 0.99

01:11:37.000 Yeah, but you're talking to me, a guy, I enjoyed Hudson Hawk. 0.99

01:11:41.000 Hudson Hawk was good.

01:11:43.000 I enjoyed it.

01:11:44.000 Marlboro Man.

01:11:45.000 What was it, Harley and the Marlboro Man?

01:11:48.000 8%.

01:11:48.000 Dude, the snowman ends.

01:11:50.000 What is it?

01:11:50.000 Spoiler alert, the snowman ends.

01:11:52.000 It's this guy.

01:11:53.000 Don't spoil it. 0.98

01:11:54.000 Dude, it's so ridiculous. 0.99

01:11:56.000 It's so fucking ridiculous. 1.00

01:11:57.000 What's it about? 1.00

01:11:59.000 It's about a serial killer who is leaving snowmans as hints.

01:12:05.000 And he's cutting off body parts and then arranging them in the snow.

01:12:08.000 Michael Fassbender is an alcoholic cop who is trying to solve it.

01:12:13.000 Who's Michael Fassbender?

01:12:14.000 That guy.

01:12:15.000 Is he the guy from Prometheus?

01:12:18.000 I don't know.

01:12:19.000 Is he the robot from Prometheus?

01:12:19.000 It takes place abroad, right?

01:12:21.000 Yeah, it takes place.

01:12:22.000 But man...

01:12:23.000 I don't want to talk negatively, but Val Kilmer's performance is so disturbing that it pulls you out of the movie immediately.

01:12:28.000 Is he terrible in it?

01:12:29.000 No, it's when he's going through the throat stuff.

01:12:32.000 And they dubbed his voice.

01:12:35.000 In what?

01:12:36.000 In this?

01:12:36.000 They had him dub his voice.

01:12:38.000 So they took out his voice because he couldn't understand him, I guess.

01:12:40.000 And then they dubbed his voice.

01:12:45.000 I mean, it's like, it's so bad that it pulls you out.

01:12:48.000 And you're like, you definitely should have just not had him in the movie.

01:12:51.000 And let him get healthy.

01:12:52.000 I think he's doing better now, hopefully.

01:12:54.000 No, I think he is.

01:12:54.000 I think he's going into remission.

01:12:56.000 You know, I'll tell you what, man. 0.98

01:12:57.000 He fucking stole this show in Wyatt Earp. 0.99

01:13:01.000 Remember that? 0.99

01:13:02.000 Val Kilmer?

01:13:02.000 Dude!

01:13:03.000 I'm your Huckleberry. 1.00

01:13:04.000 Remember that shit? 1.00

01:13:05.000 You name all the movies. 1.00

01:13:06.000 Heat, The Doors.

01:13:07.000 Yeah.

01:13:08.000 He was murderous. 1.00

01:13:09.000 He was a monster. 1.00

01:13:10.000 Murderous. 1.00

01:13:11.000 Val Kilmer is a motherfucker of an actor. 1.00

01:13:12.000 True genius. 0.99

01:13:14.000 See if you can get that scene from Val Kilmer as...

01:13:18.000 Doc Holliday.

01:13:19.000 Doc Holliday in Wyatt Earp. 1.00

01:13:20.000 The funniest piece of shit he made was The Saint. 1.00

01:13:23.000 Did you see The Saint? 1.00

01:13:25.000 I saw The Saint and I liked The Saint.

01:13:26.000 That was a superhero movie, right?

01:13:28.000 No, it was like a spy, like I play, I get in disguise.

01:13:33.000 Here, crank this up.

01:13:33.000 Oh my god.

01:13:34.000 This is the very end.

01:13:37.000 Okay, the audio will be pulled off. 0.99

01:13:38.000 This is a great fucking scene. 0.99

01:13:40.000 This is a great scene. 1.00

01:13:42.000 The thing about this scene is you believe it.

01:13:46.000 You just believe it.

01:13:51.000 When that dude realizes it's the wrong guy.

01:13:54.000 I didn't understand this scene until recently.

01:14:08.000 People can't hear this on the YouTube?

01:14:10.000 No?

01:14:11.000 Okay, so they're making a talk?

01:14:12.000 Yeah.

01:14:13.000 I didn't understand that he's...

01:14:14.000 This is him.

01:14:16.000 The reason the guy's...

01:14:17.000 I didn't understand why the guy was scared.

01:14:18.000 It's because Doc Holliday wants to die in a gunfight.

01:14:21.000 Yeah, because he's dying. 0.99

01:14:22.000 Yeah, he wants to be shot. 0.98

01:14:23.000 Also, he was killing everybody. 1.00

01:14:25.000 Doc Holliday was a fucking monster. 1.00

01:14:29.000 And this guy was a wannabe badass. 1.00

01:14:33.000 And he realized that Doc Holliday was going to fuck him up. 0.97

01:14:37.000 I've never seen this. 0.98

01:14:38.000 You never saw this?

01:14:39.000 Are you serious?

01:14:40.000 I don't like westerns.

01:14:41.000 I hate horses.

01:14:42.000 You hate horses?

01:14:43.000 I do.

01:14:44.000 Why do you hate horses?

01:14:45.000 I don't know.

01:14:45.000 I've just never liked them.

01:14:46.000 Hey, this isn't about fucking horses, Tom. 0.98

01:14:48.000 I don't like this time. 0.98

01:14:49.000 I don't like the aesthetic.

01:14:50.000 Wait, you're lying.

01:14:51.000 You're lying.

01:14:52.000 I swear to you.

01:14:52.000 I don't like their hats.

01:14:53.000 You hate hats.

01:14:54.000 I'm serious.

01:14:55.000 I don't like any of it. 0.98

01:14:56.000 Are you shitting me? 0.99

01:14:57.000 No. 0.99

01:14:58.000 This is one of the best movies ever.

01:14:59.000 Not interested.

01:15:00.000 Because occasionally they get on a horse?

01:15:02.000 And I don't like their hats.

01:15:03.000 Yeah.

01:15:05.000 Can you look lower?

01:15:07.000 Eh, it still bothers me.

01:15:08.000 I like the mustaches.

01:15:11.000 Look how sweaty he is.

01:15:13.000 Yeah.

01:15:15.000 Look how close they are to each other.

01:15:17.000 Do you think people really stood that close to each other and had gunfights?

01:15:20.000 Oh, yeah.

01:15:24.000 Dun-dun-dun.

01:15:25.000 I wouldn't mind doing a gunfight with you, Tom. 1.00

01:15:30.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:15:33.000 Come on. 1.00

01:15:34.000 He wants him to shoot him now. 0.96

01:15:54.000 Doesn't seem as good second time around. 0.69

01:15:56.000 Maybe in the context of the entire movie.

01:16:00.000 I love these mustaches.

01:16:02.000 They all look like alt-comics now.

01:16:03.000 Kurt Russell was weird in the movie.

01:16:05.000 I think I must make hand-batched ice cream.

01:16:10.000 Wait a minute.

01:16:10.000 Are alt-comics real anymore?

01:16:13.000 I felt like that just evaporated.

01:16:15.000 Yeah.

01:16:16.000 Is that real?

01:16:17.000 I think it's still real.

01:16:18.000 Nah, they're still real.

01:16:19.000 You know what's one of my favorite things?

01:16:20.000 Watching alt-comics go up in the main room.

01:16:22.000 Yeah, you see it.

01:16:24.000 You know, they kind of get walk-in shell-shocked.

01:16:27.000 They already know that it's not...

01:16:30.000 Their crowd.

01:16:31.000 You could see...

01:16:32.000 I didn't realize what that look was until you just said it.

01:16:36.000 I've seen it before and I've always been like, ah, is this your first time here?

01:16:39.000 And then you can see it in their eyes and you're like, oh, you're going to love it.

01:16:42.000 This is the greatest room in the world.

01:16:44.000 Yeah.

01:16:45.000 Man, that's so funny.

01:16:46.000 They get more aggressive.

01:16:47.000 You can tell it's unnatural.

01:16:50.000 They get aggressive about being progressive. 1.00

01:16:52.000 What's up, motherfuckers? 1.00

01:16:54.000 Aggressively progressive. 1.00

01:16:56.000 Yeah, I remember when alt was thought of as if you were alt, you were soft and progressive and sensitive and kind.

01:17:05.000 Now alt is right.

01:17:07.000 Like alt-right.

01:17:08.000 You think of alt-right. 1.00

01:17:10.000 That's all you hear about now is alt-right, which is like assholes. 1.00

01:17:14.000 You think of racism. 1.00

01:17:16.000 You think of xenophobia.

01:17:19.000 That word alt got sort of hijacked.

01:17:21.000 That's true.

01:17:21.000 Yeah, I didn't even think about that, but it does.

01:17:23.000 You say alt, most people's mind will definitely go alt-right.

01:17:26.000 Yeah, over the last few years.

01:17:29.000 Right.

01:17:29.000 But in the context, in the world of comedy, it actually, oddly, usually implies somebody who's probably...

01:17:36.000 Far to the left.

01:17:37.000 Yeah, but only with us, I think.

01:17:38.000 Right, only within comedy.

01:17:39.000 With audiences, I don't think they even know that expression anymore.

01:17:43.000 That's probably true.

01:17:44.000 I feel like alt-universally, publicly, has sort of been hijacked by alt-right, or at least the definition of it has been hijacked by alt-right people.

01:17:53.000 That's true.

01:17:53.000 That is true.

01:17:54.000 Right?

01:17:55.000 I guess I don't...

01:17:59.000 Yeah, I guess so.

01:18:00.000 I assume there's got to be an alt-left, right?

01:18:03.000 Well, I think there was, but I think the problem is once you say alt, now everybody just thinks right.

01:18:09.000 See, I would automatically...

01:18:10.000 Yeah, but the term alt-left sounds made up.

01:18:14.000 Yeah.

01:18:14.000 But what are the alternative to the right of?

01:18:17.000 It's the idea that it's young right. 0.99

01:18:20.000 So, okay, but assholes. 0.99

01:18:22.000 So, like, the right. 1.00

01:18:24.000 If you think of conservative, you would think of, like, Lindsey Graham.

01:18:27.000 You think of, like, people that are...

01:18:28.000 Probably racist, but they keep it under wraps.

01:18:32.000 They have slippery shoes. 0.91

01:18:34.000 Dude, I thought Lindsey Graham was a chick until this week. 1.00

01:18:37.000 Really?

01:18:37.000 I literally went, that's a dude?

01:18:39.000 I thought it was a six million dollar woman. 1.00

01:18:41.000 Oh, he's got that southern accent that you can't tell if it's gay or not.

01:18:45.000 It's because it's the same thing.

01:18:46.000 It's like, well, I'll do declare, this is the biggest of travel speed!

01:18:51.000 Yeah.

01:18:52.000 Yeah.

01:18:53.000 This is weird.

01:18:54.000 Watching these Kavanaugh hearings.

01:18:56.000 The whole thing is so strange.

01:18:57.000 Oh, you gotta keep your head down if you do not agree with the...

01:19:01.000 Like, I just tweeted that, uh, can you imagine defending your high school yearbook?

01:19:06.000 That's all I tweeted.

01:19:07.000 I saw that. 1.00

01:19:07.000 And it was a fucking shit show. 1.00

01:19:08.000 I saw that, yeah. 1.00

01:19:10.000 And I was like, I'm fucking out. 0.89

01:19:12.000 People can't recognize that you're not in support of this guy, you're not in support of anything like it, but it's a real thing. 0.98

01:19:19.000 And I'm not going to sit there and virtue signal simply so that people know, oh, I'm on your team. 0.98

01:19:24.000 I'm just a fucking comedian. 0.98

01:19:26.000 You're just making an observation, really. 0.99

01:19:28.000 Can you imagine defending your high school yearbook? 0.99

01:19:30.000 That would be fucking insane! 0.97

01:19:32.000 Do you guys remember Hicks' bit about Clarence Thomas? 0.98

01:19:36.000 No.

01:19:37.000 I'm sure I've heard it.

01:19:38.000 Hicks had a bit about Clarence Thomas when they were trying to bring him into Supreme Court.

01:19:46.000 Oh man, I wish I could remember exactly how the bit went, but it was a great bit.

01:19:51.000 But it was about his porn collection.

01:19:54.000 You know, like Mr. Hicks.

01:19:55.000 Oh, yes, yes, yes.

01:19:56.000 Familiar at all with Clam Lappers, Volume 1 through Dandy.

01:20:02.000 All of them?

01:20:02.000 That's what he says.

01:20:03.000 All of them?

01:20:04.000 Yeah.

01:20:04.000 It was just like this funny bit, but like, you know, just examining.

01:20:08.000 That was funny, by the way.

01:20:10.000 Lindsey Graham, do you see, like, after he left...

01:20:13.000 Where they decided, they voted on that they're going to...

01:20:16.000 Well, they voted that it's going to move to the floor, but they decided, like, you know, we'll try to do this extra week of the FBI investigation.

01:20:22.000 And then he goes, somebody's going to have to explain this to Trump.

01:20:25.000 I guess that'll be me.

01:20:26.000 Like, to the press.

01:20:28.000 Basically, that is a not-so-subtle way of being like, dum-dum doesn't get it, so I'll... 0.99

01:20:32.000 Did you see what Trump said to one of the fucking reporters today? 0.99

01:20:35.000 No, what? 1.00

01:20:35.000 One of the female reporters said... 1.00

01:20:36.000 So crazy.

01:20:38.000 He goes...

01:20:38.000 He pointed to a woman, and he said, go ahead.

01:20:41.000 And he goes...

01:20:43.000 She's speechless.

01:20:44.000 She can't believe I called on her.

01:20:46.000 And she goes, well, I didn't think.

01:20:48.000 He goes, yeah, you don't think.

01:20:49.000 Yeah, I get that.

01:20:51.000 I'm sorry.

01:20:52.000 And she goes, I'm sorry, sir.

01:20:53.000 Like, listen to this.

01:20:54.000 Listen to this.

01:20:55.000 You never do.

01:20:56.000 Listen to this.

01:20:56.000 Jesus, man.

01:20:57.000 Listen to this.

01:20:58.000 He can't help himself. 1.00

01:20:59.000 He's crazy. 0.99

01:21:00.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:21:00.000 She's shocked that I picked her. 0.96

01:21:02.000 It's like in a state of shock.

01:21:04.000 I'm not thinking, Mr. President.

01:21:05.000 That's okay.

01:21:05.000 I know you're not thinking.

01:21:06.000 You never do.

01:21:07.000 I'm sorry?

01:21:08.000 No, go ahead.

01:21:11.000 What?

01:21:11.000 That's our president.

01:21:12.000 That's such a crazy thing to say to someone.

01:21:15.000 No, I know you're not thinking, you never do.

01:21:17.000 She must be someone that's written really negative things about him.

01:21:20.000 Of course.

01:21:20.000 You know he's got that hit list on everything.

01:21:23.000 Who's this? 1.00

01:21:24.000 That piece of shit? 1.00

01:21:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:21:25.000 Of course. 1.00

01:21:26.000 The whole thing's madness.

01:21:27.000 He keeps a record here.

01:21:29.000 They have records of anyone who's slighted him, anyone who's...

01:21:32.000 Written anything bad, said anything.

01:21:34.000 For sure, man.

01:21:34.000 See, I'm not confrontational.

01:21:36.000 I don't like confrontation.

01:21:37.000 So there's part of me that goes, like, I always thought, I wish Kim Jong-un would be a fan so I could go over and party with him for a week.

01:21:45.000 What?

01:21:45.000 I don't know, man.

01:21:46.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

01:21:48.000 What? 1.00

01:21:48.000 You don't think that way? 1.00

01:21:49.000 No.

01:21:50.000 You don't think that way?

01:21:51.000 Yeah, loose dictators. 1.00

01:21:53.000 Fucking party with him, bro. 1.00

01:21:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:55.000 You want to party with him?

01:21:56.000 I would.

01:21:57.000 Really?

01:21:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:58.000 Like, Fidel Castro would have been cool.

01:22:00.000 It would be crazy, too, if you went over there, partied with him, and then just, like, on a whim.

01:22:06.000 No, like, the next morning, when you're like, I had the best time, he's like, send him to a labor camp. 1.00

01:22:10.000 Fuck this guy. 1.00

01:22:11.000 Yeah, fuck you. 1.00

01:22:13.000 You want to lose some weight? 1.00

01:22:14.000 How about I give you one grain of rice a day?

01:22:17.000 Oh, man.

01:22:19.000 That would be fun. 0.99

01:22:19.000 And you drink piss. 0.99

01:22:21.000 My piss. 0.99

01:22:22.000 That's it.

01:22:22.000 You want to stay hydrated?

01:22:23.000 Here's a jug of piss.

01:22:25.000 I guess I'm the only one that thinks that way.

01:22:27.000 Yeah.

01:22:27.000 No one wants to go party with him.

01:22:29.000 What are you talking about?

01:22:30.000 Are you being serious?

01:22:31.000 Ruthless dictators.

01:22:32.000 You get offered a private gig.

01:22:33.000 They're like, hey man, it's in...

01:22:35.000 It's in Pyongyang.

01:22:39.000 Seems reasonable.

01:22:40.000 We're going to fly you private.

01:22:41.000 Are we getting paid before?

01:22:42.000 I kind of need a little bit up front, I think.

01:22:44.000 Maybe a deposit?

01:22:45.000 We're going to fly you private.

01:22:46.000 It's going to be really amazing.

01:22:48.000 A million dollars.

01:22:49.000 Super private.

01:22:49.000 You know what flying private's like?

01:22:51.000 Sitting down.

01:22:53.000 It's so awesome.

01:22:54.000 I'm just sitting down.

01:22:55.000 Why would they be amazing?

01:22:57.000 You're sitting.

01:22:58.000 Yeah.

01:22:58.000 It's not like you're flying private.

01:23:00.000 People are rubbing your feet and sucking your dick. 1.00

01:23:02.000 Feeding your ice cream. 1.00

01:23:04.000 It's the best ice cream ever.

01:23:05.000 I'll post amazing movies playing. 0.97

01:23:07.000 The music is fucking full 3D surround sound. 0.89

01:23:10.000 Of course, you could make all those things happen if you want. 0.98

01:23:13.000 Yeah, if you want to fly private, Dan Belzerian probably does that when he flies private.

01:23:17.000 It's the draw for flying private.

01:23:19.000 Obviously, I can't afford it.

01:23:20.000 I mean, I guess I afford it.

01:23:21.000 I just wouldn't make any money on the road.

01:23:22.000 But is that you get done and you go home.

01:23:25.000 You get done and you get on a plane and you fly home.

01:23:27.000 Yeah.

01:23:28.000 Or you just wait 20 minutes and you save $30,000.

01:23:30.000 Not 20 minutes.

01:23:32.000 Wouldn't it be nice to get on a plane? 1.00

01:23:33.000 You fly private, you fucking cuck. 1.00

01:23:35.000 I've done it. 1.00

01:23:36.000 Are you calling him a cuck? 0.97

01:23:37.000 Why are you calling him a cuck? 0.96

01:23:39.000 I have no idea. 0.80

01:23:40.000 He's just insulting. 0.93

01:23:40.000 How does that make him a cuck? 0.93

01:23:41.000 You fly private though.

01:23:42.000 I don't fly private.

01:23:43.000 You have flown private.

01:23:44.000 For like a couple of times.

01:23:46.000 But it's never like because I was like, ah, I just got to get home.

01:23:49.000 It was just, you know, instead of doing crazy transpo to get to a gig, yeah, for a short flight though.

01:23:59.000 I don't do it like on a regular basis.

01:24:00.000 Call them out.

01:24:01.000 You just call them out for flying private.

01:24:02.000 I saw that.

01:24:03.000 Because I never thought about it.

01:24:05.000 And then he was like, wouldn't that be nice?

01:24:06.000 And I was like, yeah, it would.

01:24:07.000 You know what's one of the grossest celebrity things ever? 0.84

01:24:09.000 Is the posing in front of the private jet.

01:24:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:12.000 Dude.

01:24:14.000 You know what?

01:24:16.000 Comedians don't do that, though.

01:24:17.000 Yes, they do.

01:24:18.000 Oh, I guess they do.

01:24:19.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.87

01:24:20.000 Black ones. 0.99

01:24:20.000 But I'm saying like our friends. 0.99

01:24:21.000 Well, not our friends.

01:24:23.000 No, I know. 1.00

01:24:24.000 I know a few that suck that do it. 1.00

01:24:26.000 Yeah, I've seen... 1.00

01:24:28.000 Are you looking at me?

01:24:28.000 No.

01:24:30.000 I'm looking at you because you know who I'm talking about.

01:24:33.000 I mean, there's only a few that do it.

01:24:35.000 It's just a weird thing.

01:24:37.000 But Bert would definitely pose in front of it shirtless.

01:24:39.000 You know he would.

01:24:41.000 What if we were all on a private jet flying somewhere and we'd post it?

01:24:46.000 Would that be okay?

01:24:47.000 Say if we had a gig in Aspen to celebrate after Sober October's over, we decided to book a gig together and we all were shirtless, hammered on the runway, looking ripped because we're going to lose shitloads of weight this month.

01:25:00.000 And we all pose?

01:25:01.000 That's fine, right?

01:25:01.000 Wait, let's do this.

01:25:02.000 I'm really excited now.

01:25:06.000 What's the most amount of points you've gotten in a month?

01:25:08.000 In a month?

01:25:09.000 Yeah.

01:25:10.000 I think it was just under 4,500, I think.

01:25:13.000 4,500 is a lot.

01:25:14.000 Yeah.

01:25:15.000 The most I've seen somebody do was 7,000.

01:25:18.000 7,000?

01:25:20.000 Yeah.

01:25:20.000 7,000.

01:25:21.000 Whoa.

01:25:21.000 That's crazy.

01:25:22.000 Yeah.

01:25:23.000 But that's like you're really, really going after it all the time, you know?

01:25:27.000 Probably all 30 days.

01:25:30.000 More than twice of what I did for 15 days, right?

01:25:34.000 Mm-hmm.

01:25:34.000 Yeah.

01:25:36.000 That's crazy.

01:25:37.000 That's a lot of work.

01:25:38.000 Oh, here's the thing we didn't discuss, though.

01:25:41.000 What's the bet?

01:25:42.000 What are the stakes?

01:25:43.000 What are we doing?

01:25:43.000 What happens if you win?

01:25:45.000 What happens if you lose?

01:25:45.000 First of all, it's just us, because Ari isn't even in this bet.

01:25:49.000 He actually goes, will I gauge my long walks in New York?

01:25:53.000 And we couldn't stop giggling, because we just pictured Ari shirtless in New York with a chest trap on. 1.00

01:25:57.000 Yeah, you get five points, you fuck. 1.00

01:26:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:01.000 I don't think he's going to be a...

01:26:03.000 Stanhope called me and said he wanted to do it.

01:26:05.000 Well, he's not going to do this, though.

01:26:07.000 Yeah, he's not going to do this, and he's also not going to...

01:26:09.000 He's like sober October-ish.

01:26:10.000 I can't go off everything or I'll have a stroke.

01:26:12.000 Well, it's not that he can't go off everything.

01:26:14.000 He just can't go off it immediately.

01:26:15.000 He's actually going to a doctor this week, and he's going to get himself checked out, which is a rare thing.

01:26:21.000 Stanhope, I don't know if you know this, Stanhope has sort of a policy to not go to the doctor, and when it breaks, he dies.

01:26:29.000 Yeah.

01:26:30.000 That's his idea.

01:26:31.000 He doesn't want MRIs, doesn't want diagnoses, doesn't want recommendations, doesn't want prescriptions.

01:26:37.000 But he is going this week.

01:26:39.000 He's going to go this week to get himself checked out to make sure that he can go.

01:26:45.000 I mean, as much as Stanhope is sort of a fatalist and he loves being this lovable drunk, it can't feel good to just always be drunk.

01:26:56.000 It just can't feel good.

01:26:57.000 I know he's taken time off before, and I know he's taken time off before smoking as well.

01:27:02.000 I know he quit smoking for quite a while at one point in time.

01:27:05.000 I think he would like to be healthier.

01:27:07.000 I mean, I know he would.

01:27:08.000 He would have more energy.

01:27:09.000 I think it would make his comedy better.

01:27:10.000 I really do.

01:27:11.000 Not that his comedy's not amazing.

01:27:13.000 It is.

01:27:13.000 But I just think he'd have more energy.

01:27:15.000 Yeah.

01:27:16.000 Energy's a big thing.

01:27:17.000 So I think...

01:27:18.000 And I also think he's just something to do and connects him to us. 0.99

01:27:21.000 He's out there in fucking bumfuck Bisbee, Arizona, hanging out with a bunch of dorks. 0.98

01:27:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:27:27.000 No, they're...

01:27:28.000 I... I like partying out there.

01:27:31.000 Partying out there is fun as fuck. 0.99

01:27:33.000 You like partying anywhere. 0.99

01:27:34.000 Yeah, you do. 1.00

01:27:34.000 You ready to party in North Korea, you fuck? 1.00

01:27:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:27:37.000 The invite's out there.

01:27:39.000 I hope to God someone just puts this in front of him.

01:27:42.000 Encrypted email.

01:27:43.000 They go, Kim?

01:27:45.000 This, and then I want you to watch the machine story.

01:27:48.000 And then he watches the machine and he goes, ah, let's make another one.

01:27:49.000 Let's make new stories.

01:27:51.000 I've had moments where people go, we could get you into some trouble. 0.98

01:27:54.000 And I get fucking scared. 0.97

01:27:56.000 I was with a group in Tanzania that were like, we're going to go kidnap a baby elephant if you're into it. 1.00

01:28:00.000 God damn, dude. 1.00

01:28:01.000 Kidnap a baby elephant. 1.00

01:28:03.000 Yeah, another tribe had kidnapped this elephant from a sanctuary.

01:28:06.000 They're going to kidnap it back?

01:28:08.000 And the Messiah was going in to kidnap it back.

01:28:10.000 And I was like, part of me is like, if you get a little bit of a buzz, I'm in.

01:28:15.000 That sounds like a good way to die.

01:28:17.000 Yeah.

01:28:20.000 Good Instagram video.

01:28:22.000 It's all about the Insta stories.

01:28:24.000 How do you have the time to do those Insta stories?

01:28:26.000 Because doesn't that interfere with actual life?

01:28:28.000 How often are you present in real life when you're doing...

01:28:31.000 I look at your dots on your Insta story and I'm like, Jesus, there's like 70 dots.

01:28:36.000 No, I don't ever put that many.

01:28:38.000 I'll probably put up 10 a day.

01:28:41.000 Is that your thing?

01:28:42.000 Yeah.

01:28:43.000 What's that?

01:28:44.000 Is that mine or yours?

01:28:45.000 Yours.

01:28:45.000 Might be mine.

01:28:46.000 Why is it beeping?

01:28:47.000 Do I take it off of this?

01:28:48.000 No, having it hanging like that.

01:28:49.000 But sometimes it'll just do it anyways.

01:28:52.000 But yeah, it's fine like that.

01:28:53.000 Will this beep when I'm working out?

01:28:54.000 If it beeps, one beep means it's on.

01:28:57.000 That three beep means off.

01:28:58.000 I shut all the beeps off on the app so I could use it in yoga class.

01:29:01.000 Yeah.

01:29:01.000 Oh, okay.

01:29:02.000 Yeah.

01:29:02.000 I don't want it beeping.

01:29:03.000 Of course.

01:29:04.000 You know?

01:29:04.000 Yeah.

01:29:05.000 You know you can wet those sensors, right?

01:29:07.000 If you want it to get a good reading to start.

01:29:10.000 It worked out.

01:29:10.000 Yeah, great.

01:29:11.000 It was good.

01:29:12.000 I look at Instastories.

01:29:13.000 I look at Instagram as part of business.

01:29:15.000 It's not me.

01:29:17.000 It beeped again. 1.00

01:29:18.000 Fucking thing's annoying. 1.00

01:29:20.000 You look at it as part of business. 0.99

01:29:21.000 I look at it as part of my business, and so I go, I am very present in life.

01:29:24.000 I don't insta-story everything, but in moments like when the rat runs into our house, I definitely don't insta-story that.

01:29:31.000 And I always have my phone on me.

01:29:32.000 It's in my pocket.

01:29:33.000 I like how you're like, I'm very present, and then right before we start, you're like, I'm terrible at this at home.

01:29:39.000 Dude, I'm not a good parent.

01:29:41.000 I'm taking care of my kids by myself.

01:29:43.000 My wife's somewhere traveling abroad.

01:29:46.000 Look at all these dots, bro.

01:29:47.000 That ain't ten dots.

01:29:48.000 Look at this.

01:29:48.000 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

01:29:53.000 I think it's eight dots.

01:29:54.000 Yeah.

01:29:54.000 Looks like more.

01:29:55.000 I sent Isla to school with a bag of rice.

01:29:58.000 But it's only 1 p.m., and you have eight dots already.

01:30:01.000 Well, there's someone from last night and yesterday.

01:30:03.000 It's 24 hours.

01:30:04.000 Okay.

01:30:08.000 I'm parenting by myself.

01:30:09.000 I can't do.

01:30:10.000 I'm not good at it.

01:30:11.000 It's a good chance to bond with your kids.

01:30:13.000 It is, or they realize exactly how out of touch you are with their lives.

01:30:19.000 Well, I'm not one for giving parental advice, but what I would say to do is abandon all other things you do while you're doing it.

01:30:27.000 So think of yourself as like a mom, like a house mom. 0.93

01:30:30.000 Like instead of like trying to squeeze it in with all the other shit you do, you won't be good at it if you do that. 0.99

01:30:36.000 If my wife goes somewhere and I have to just take care of my kids, I don't do anything else. 0.98

01:30:41.000 I schedule nothing.

01:30:43.000 Nothing else.

01:30:44.000 If I do a podcast, I have to do it during the day while the kids are at school.

01:30:47.000 And then once they're...

01:30:48.000 I don't do shows that night. 0.99

01:30:51.000 I don't do shit. 0.98

01:30:52.000 I just hang out with them. 1.00

01:30:54.000 And we do shit. 1.00

01:30:55.000 Make sure I take them to a pottery class or we'll go to a fucking dojo boom. 1.00

01:31:00.000 One of those bouncy places. 1.00

01:31:02.000 They have trampolines and shit. 0.99

01:31:04.000 Just do stuff with them. 0.99

01:31:06.000 I do that.

01:31:06.000 But leave your phone off.

01:31:08.000 Leave your phone off.

01:31:10.000 Your kids are there.

01:31:11.000 Unless you want your wife to contact you, maybe that.

01:31:14.000 But don't look at your Twitter.

01:31:16.000 Just hang out with them.

01:31:19.000 You have to have rules in your head.

01:31:22.000 My kids are a lot older than your kids, though.

01:31:24.000 Yeah, but still you want to interact with them.

01:31:26.000 It doesn't matter how old they are.

01:31:27.000 I know, but your kids are still young.

01:31:29.000 Mine are like 14 and 12. Yeah, but don't you hang out with them and do stuff with them?

01:31:34.000 Last night we watched Deadpool.

01:31:35.000 We're going out to dinner tonight.

01:31:37.000 Perfect.

01:31:38.000 Yeah, but just the actual getting up.

01:31:40.000 I was telling Tom I got up at 5.45 to make them breakfast, and my oldest daughter had already pulled the trash out, put it by the back door for me to take out, and literally gave me a speech, and was like, just so you know... 0.97

01:31:53.000 You need to be ready to go at 5.45.

01:31:54.000 You can't just get up at 5.45 and slow roll into the morning.

01:31:58.000 What time is school?

01:31:59.000 She's got to be at school at 8, I think.

01:32:03.000 She's lecturing you? 0.95

01:32:05.000 That's what I said.

01:32:06.000 And Leanne was loving it.

01:32:07.000 Leanne called. 0.97

01:32:08.000 She's like, yeah, you got to get going.

01:32:09.000 You can't just get up and be regular Bert.

01:32:11.000 You're daddy on duty.

01:32:12.000 I made the mistake saying I was going to make pancakes.

01:32:15.000 Everyone was like, you don't have time to make pancakes!

01:32:18.000 And I was like, guys, if I'm going to make pancakes, I'm making pancakes.

01:32:21.000 I've got the batter stirred, and they're like, we need something else.

01:32:24.000 We're already hungry.

01:32:25.000 We've got to go.

01:32:26.000 And so, yeah, we're on a schedule. 1.00

01:32:27.000 Leanne's a gangster with that shit. 1.00

01:32:29.000 When you fold me into her life, my brain doesn't work like that. 1.00

01:32:32.000 Right, right.

01:32:32.000 Yeah, I get that.

01:32:34.000 But it's like, when you're just hanging out with them, just them, you've got to realize, for everyone that has kids, you only have a few of these years.

01:32:45.000 You know?

01:32:46.000 You only have a few.

01:32:47.000 And then next thing you know, they're adults.

01:32:49.000 And it happens quick.

01:32:51.000 Yeah.

01:32:52.000 14 that happened overnight.

01:32:54.000 You know, I have friends that don't have good relationships with their kids.

01:32:57.000 And it's weird.

01:32:57.000 It's weird to see.

01:32:58.000 That sucks. 1.00

01:32:59.000 It sucks. 1.00

01:33:00.000 It sucks. 1.00

01:33:01.000 You know? 1.00

01:33:02.000 It sucks. 1.00

01:33:03.000 It's weird to see kids that are resentful, angry at you. 1.00

01:33:08.000 You got that coming for sure.

01:33:09.000 Yeah, for sure, right?

01:33:11.000 Is that coming?

01:33:12.000 No, teenagers is tough, man.

01:33:14.000 It is tough. 0.99

01:33:14.000 Well, first of all, being a teenager is fucking tough. 0.99

01:33:17.000 You gotta, like, remind them over and over again you're dealing with a torrential downpour of hormones that you just don't know what to do with. 0.98

01:33:27.000 You remember what that was like?

01:33:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:33:29.000 You're so confused all the time.

01:33:31.000 Totally confused. 1.00

01:33:32.000 Your body's in fucking disarray. 1.00

01:33:34.000 And probably for you, it's probably exacerbated by them being this generation and knowing that you're racist. 1.00

01:33:40.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:33:40.000 Don't start that shit. 1.00

01:33:41.000 It's so fucking annoying. 1.00

01:33:43.000 And you're always drunk and racist. 1.00

01:33:45.000 And then the CrossFit people are picketing outside your house. 0.97

01:33:48.000 Yeah.

01:33:55.000 What are our stakes?

01:33:56.000 That's what we haven't worked out.

01:33:57.000 Okay, so the most you've ever gotten is...

01:34:01.000 So what did I get today?

01:34:03.000 200 or something like that?

01:34:04.000 What did I get?

01:34:05.000 211. Yeah.

01:34:06.000 So 211. That's a normal workout for you, right?

01:34:09.000 Yeah, I think 200 is a good, strong workout.

01:34:12.000 Yes.

01:34:12.000 A good, normal workout.

01:34:14.000 Yeah.

01:34:14.000 So if you get 200...

01:34:16.000 Well, if I did 200 twice a day...

01:34:20.000 Jesus, man.

01:34:21.000 How many days a week do you plan on doing that?

01:34:24.000 I'm going hard, son. 0.99

01:34:25.000 I'm trying to kill Bert. 0.97

01:34:27.000 I'm in for the challenge. 0.63

01:34:29.000 That Mickey Mandeljean, I want you to say that Mickey Mandeljean's real. 1.00

01:34:33.000 Oh shit. 0.99

01:34:34.000 You've yet to acknowledge it. 1.00

01:34:35.000 But you just heard what he's doing.

01:34:36.000 I know, and I understand that.

01:34:38.000 I have the accessibility to get there.

01:34:41.000 I'm up for the challenge.

01:34:43.000 But you're planning on, Joe, you're planning on essentially... 0.82

01:34:46.000 Trying to kill Burt.

01:34:46.000 Yeah, but you're essentially planning on 400 points a day.

01:34:49.000 Yeah.

01:34:49.000 You're planning on 400 points a day.

01:34:50.000 And do you want it six days a week, let's say?

01:34:51.000 Or what?

01:34:52.000 Yeah, at least.

01:34:53.000 Yeah, I might go seven.

01:34:54.000 I might try seven days a week.

01:34:56.000 So hypothetically saying, 400 points a day.

01:34:57.000 I think if I do different things.

01:34:59.000 That's true.

01:34:59.000 That's the key to it.

01:35:00.000 8,000 points.

01:35:01.000 Be close to it.

01:35:03.000 The only thing is I have a hunting trip that's going to take me away for six days.

01:35:08.000 I have a cruise that's going to take me away for five.

01:35:12.000 But when I'm doing the hunting trip...

01:35:13.000 Stay sober!

01:35:14.000 I know!

01:35:15.000 I have no idea how Bobby Kelly's going.

01:35:17.000 But when I'm doing the hunting trip, I'll send this to you, Jamie.

01:35:20.000 You can see what a typical day in the mountains is.

01:35:25.000 That's some of the most brutal workouts I've ever done. 0.99

01:35:29.000 Because you're hiking at altitude, and when you're at altitude, man, it's fucking... 0.94

01:35:34.000 I did 12 miles a day, 31,000 steps, 116 floors at 8,100 feet. 0.88

01:35:44.000 Well, just so you know, if you wore it...

01:35:47.000 That's a typical day in the mountains hunting.

01:35:51.000 If you wore it, by the way, for that, it would come out to some crazy number.

01:35:55.000 How many steps did you say?

01:35:57.000 That's 31,000 steps up there, 12 miles in the mountains.

01:36:01.000 But the thing is the elevation.

01:36:03.000 You're going up and down hills and stepping over logs, and you're always breathing heavy.

01:36:11.000 It's rough.

01:36:11.000 Are you going to wear it for that?

01:36:13.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:36:14.000 Okay. 1.00

01:36:14.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:36:16.000 Okay. 1.00

01:36:17.000 Fuck, I guess I'm running another marathon. 1.00

01:36:20.000 I mean, that's working out. 1.00

01:36:21.000 You know how many times I have to run around that goddamn cruise ship? 0.99

01:36:24.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:36:25.000 All right, so 120,000 points a year, a month, would be you doing two-a-days.

01:36:30.000 No, you can't get that many points.

01:36:32.000 What?

01:36:32.000 There's no way.

01:36:33.000 What are you talking about?

01:36:34.000 We're talking 8,000 at the most.

01:36:36.000 He said 4,500 was his best month, and that's crazy.

01:36:41.000 That was working out like...

01:36:42.000 Probably 22 or 23 days and doing something like 200 plus points each time.

01:36:50.000 That's amazing.

01:36:51.000 Okay, so 8,000 is ridiculous too then? 0.82

01:36:54.000 No, yeah, that's crazy. 0.74

01:36:55.000 Okay.

01:36:56.000 Your best month's 4,000.

01:36:59.000 Without being in a competition, I've hit 4,300, 4,400 let's say.

01:37:04.000 Okay.

01:37:06.000 Joe immediately would get 6,000 if you just did what you did today every day of this month.

01:37:12.000 Close to it, if I did it every day.

01:37:14.000 But that was just the morning workout.

01:37:16.000 I'm doing two-a-days.

01:37:17.000 We're all doing two-a-days.

01:37:18.000 I get this.

01:37:19.000 We're back in high school.

01:37:19.000 Here we go.

01:37:20.000 Someone call the fucking rock. 0.99

01:37:23.000 So... 0.99

01:37:25.000 I'm getting nervous.

01:37:27.000 Well, I know we're going to have stakes on this, and this makes me more exciting than anything.

01:37:30.000 Yeah, no, it's good.

01:37:31.000 But I have a challenge.

01:37:32.000 Whatever it is, listen, we should all come in even and just make Ari pay for everything. 1.00

01:37:36.000 I love it.

01:37:37.000 Because he's never going to catch up to us.

01:37:39.000 And big shout-out.

01:37:40.000 I mean, Ari, we've said it before, but he really did come through on that bet.

01:37:44.000 He did.

01:37:45.000 I'm saying when he took us to the game, he bought crazy tickets, and I thought they were much less.

01:37:52.000 Yeah.

01:37:53.000 He gave us a first-class experience.

01:37:56.000 Nice.

01:37:56.000 And we should make him do it again.

01:37:58.000 Yeah, like what would be the stakes?

01:38:01.000 Well, it's got to be something that we can all participate in.

01:38:05.000 Floyd Mayweather, Manny Pacquiao, too.

01:38:08.000 Ooh, that's a great one.

01:38:09.000 Front row.

01:38:10.000 We're talking about...

01:38:11.000 Look at that.

01:38:12.000 Yeah.

01:38:13.000 By the way, by the way, say whatever you want about me being on my phone the entire time. 0.98

01:38:17.000 I have the best fucking video from that. 0.96

01:38:19.000 Of the last, them scoring a touchdown. 0.99

01:38:22.000 Yeah, that's crazy.

01:38:23.000 I videotaped the touchdown and then cut to Tom and Ari.

01:38:25.000 Ah, nice.

01:38:26.000 Yeah, no, it's great. 0.99

01:38:27.000 That was a really fun fucking weekend. 0.99

01:38:29.000 That was. 0.99

01:38:30.000 Dude.

01:38:30.000 That's how big that place is.

01:38:31.000 That's where Larry the Cable Guy performs.

01:38:33.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:38:34.000 Fucking nuts. 1.00

01:38:35.000 He does. 1.00

01:38:35.000 He performs in places like that. 1.00

01:38:37.000 That's how big his audiences are.

01:38:40.000 When's Floyd Mayweather Pacquiao?

01:38:41.000 I don't know.

01:38:42.000 I think it's in December.

01:38:43.000 Is it in December?

01:38:45.000 Tentatively, yeah.

01:38:45.000 Would you guys even want to see that?

01:38:47.000 I would definitely go to that.

01:38:48.000 It might be in Japan, though.

01:38:50.000 What?

01:38:51.000 Oh, yeah.

01:38:52.000 Really? 0.99

01:38:52.000 Oh, I'm fucking so into this. 0.99

01:38:53.000 It might be. 0.94

01:38:54.000 They haven't booked it yet, so I don't know.

01:38:55.000 There's just talk that it might be there.

01:38:57.000 Wow.

01:38:57.000 Guys, let's go to that.

01:38:59.000 In Japan? 0.99

01:39:00.000 Damn, that sounds crazy. 0.99

01:39:02.000 But also, that's like asking Ari to call football. 0.99

01:39:08.000 Yeah, we're not flying coach, Ari.

01:39:10.000 No way.

01:39:10.000 Not flying coach across the ocean.

01:39:12.000 Hey, you lost the bet!

01:39:15.000 There's no way he could win, right?

01:39:16.000 So someone has to win.

01:39:18.000 Someone has to win.

01:39:19.000 But more importantly, one person is going to lose. 0.97

01:39:22.000 So if you beat me and I beat you, that don't mean shit because we're all beating Ari. 0.82

01:39:27.000 It's like a skins game. 0.99

01:39:29.000 But you know he's going to be like, I'm not doing the fucking points. 0.99

01:39:32.000 Maybe. 0.99

01:39:32.000 But maybe he's listening to this right now and he's stewing. 0.99

01:39:34.000 Should we call him?

01:39:35.000 He's getting angry.

01:39:36.000 And he's sober, which might make him stew even more. 1.00

01:39:38.000 He's like, fuck you. 1.00

01:39:39.000 I'm going to win. 1.00

01:39:39.000 I'm going to fucking win. 1.00

01:39:41.000 What if Ari goes crazy and just fucking goes whole hog every day? 1.00

01:39:46.000 He could. 1.00

01:39:47.000 Six hours a day.

01:39:48.000 Takes spin classes and CrossFit classes and wears it during Jiu Jitsu.

01:39:53.000 Floyd Mayweather is planning to come back in Tokyo before his rematch with Manny Pacquiao.

01:39:58.000 Oh, okay.

01:40:00.000 This was a couple weeks ago, so.

01:40:01.000 Oh, so he wants a tune-up fight.

01:40:03.000 Huh.

01:40:05.000 That might not be real.

01:40:06.000 Yeah, it might not.

01:40:07.000 Yeah, I'm, you know...

01:40:09.000 Would you go to that?

01:40:10.000 Would you go to the fight, though?

01:40:11.000 Yes.

01:40:11.000 It'd be an interesting fight.

01:40:12.000 I mean, they're both past their prime.

01:40:14.000 But it'd still be a fun event, too.

01:40:15.000 Yeah.

01:40:16.000 I mean, Manny Pacquiao just knocked out Lucas Matisse, and Floyd hasn't fought in a year since he beat Conor McGregor.

01:40:25.000 But that's not a real boxing match.

01:40:26.000 I mean, it's a boxing match, but it's not a boxing match at an elite level.

01:40:29.000 If he was boxing Terrence Crawford or someone who's at the very top now, he's not in that kind of zone right now.

01:40:36.000 But he's still the best ever.

01:40:38.000 If not the one of a handful of the greatest boxers in the history of the world, ever.

01:40:45.000 No question.

01:40:46.000 What we should do is tier the winnings.

01:40:48.000 There you go.

01:40:49.000 First place, pays for nothing.

01:40:51.000 Whole weekend.

01:40:51.000 I like this idea.

01:40:52.000 Second place, pays for their ticket, whatever's least expensive.

01:40:57.000 Pays for their ticket, and nothing else.

01:40:59.000 Third place, pays for all hotels.

01:41:05.000 Tear it off so that the last place just pays the most out, but he's not dropping 20 grand.

01:41:10.000 Let's say the last place person has to cover flights, but they can use their miles.

01:41:15.000 See, the problem is, Ari's bets are like, no, no, no, the loser has to wear a beard of my pubes. 0.99

01:41:22.000 And he's got to clean his face with my comb.

01:41:26.000 You guys scared me. 0.99

01:41:27.000 All of his fucking, all of his suggestions. 1.00

01:41:30.000 So psychotic. 1.00

01:41:32.000 We have to drink all of our piss? 0.98

01:41:33.000 And I was, Leanne saw that over my shoulder.

01:41:36.000 She goes, no, no, we're not drinking everyone's piss.

01:41:39.000 He said like, you gotta be a panhandler for six hours on the corner.

01:41:43.000 I was like, Jesus Christ.

01:41:44.000 I was like, I'm into that already. 1.00

01:41:48.000 Yeah, he wanted us to do really ridiculous shit, like walk down the street naked. 0.99

01:41:53.000 The tears of paying for it, so it's a good idea. 1.00

01:41:56.000 Right, so one person doesn't take the whole beating.

01:41:58.000 First place pays nothing all weekend.

01:42:00.000 But that's true. 0.99

01:42:01.000 The first place should be, I don't cover shit. 0.99

01:42:03.000 The first place should get a belt. 1.00

01:42:05.000 We should make a belt.

01:42:06.000 Sure.

01:42:07.000 Sober October belt.

01:42:09.000 A real one?

01:42:10.000 Like a real, real one?

01:42:10.000 Yeah, like a WWE belt.

01:42:11.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:42:13.000 Sober October.

01:42:15.000 We need a sober October belt. 1.00

01:42:18.000 Who's the champ?

01:42:19.000 Jamie, this is a project.

01:42:21.000 I need you to look up where you would get a pro wrestling belt. 0.99

01:42:25.000 And not no knockoff shit. 0.99

01:42:27.000 Oh my god, I just found my inner voice when I work out. 1.00

01:42:31.000 That fucking belt. 1.00

01:42:33.000 Oh my god, I'm in. 1.00

01:42:34.000 I'm fucking so excited. 0.97

01:42:36.000 So you're going to start doing two days? 0.99

01:42:38.000 I might be doing three days.

01:42:40.000 Wow, look at him.

01:42:41.000 Look at him.

01:42:41.000 He's serious.

01:42:42.000 He's excited now.

01:42:43.000 Dude. 0.99

01:42:44.000 Now tell him he ain't shit, and there's no way he'll win. 1.00

01:42:47.000 This will fire him up even more. 1.00

01:42:49.000 Tell me I can't run a marathon.

01:42:51.000 You definitely ran a marathon.

01:42:52.000 But there's no way you'll win this, though.

01:42:55.000 There's no way you'll win this.

01:42:56.000 Wow, Tommy's got reverse psychology.

01:42:58.000 Look, you get a Pepsi belt. 1.00

01:42:59.000 Who the fuck wants a Pepsi belt? 1.00

01:43:02.000 I know a guy. 1.00

01:43:03.000 He's diabetic.

01:43:04.000 So what...

01:43:07.000 What should we have on the...

01:43:09.000 Hey, is that me?

01:43:09.000 Up on the right there?

01:43:10.000 No, I think it's...

01:43:11.000 That is you!

01:43:12.000 Oh no, sorry.

01:43:14.000 The Bearded Gentleman Belt.

01:43:16.000 Okay, so we found a company that makes belts.

01:43:18.000 What is the name of this company?

01:43:19.000 ProAmBelts.com.

01:43:20.000 Nice.

01:43:21.000 Okay, so we need some sort of a logo.

01:43:25.000 We need, like, Sober October is definitely the name of it, right?

01:43:28.000 The Sober October Belt.

01:43:30.000 Mm-hmm.

01:43:32.000 The Undisputed Sober October Champ.

01:43:34.000 Yeah.

01:43:35.000 And we like diamonds, man.

01:43:37.000 Oh, yeah.

01:43:37.000 What should we have on it?

01:43:39.000 It should be our faces engraved in it.

01:43:41.000 Should it be like the no smoking sign, no boo sign?

01:43:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:43:45.000 No pills on the side?

01:43:47.000 No needles.

01:43:48.000 Oh, no, you mean on the sides.

01:43:50.000 Yeah, on the sides.

01:43:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:43:51.000 Good call.

01:43:51.000 Piles of coke.

01:43:53.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:43:54.000 And then a guy trying to suck his own dick and we'll just tell everyone it's yoga? 1.00

01:43:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:44:00.000 Yeah, so we'll have to come up with...

01:44:02.000 How long does it take to make one of these belts?

01:44:04.000 Hopefully less than a month.

01:44:06.000 Let's find out.

01:44:08.000 Whoever Pro-Am belts, if you're listening, three to four weeks.

01:44:11.000 Oh, perfect.

01:44:12.000 Oh, we better get on it.

01:44:13.000 We better get on it. 0.98

01:44:13.000 Oh, this is going to be so much fucking fun. 0.98

01:44:15.000 So if we finish the design by the end of this week, we might be able to have it at the end of the month. 0.94

01:44:20.000 You might be holding up that belt.

01:44:21.000 How's that feel?

01:44:22.000 Feels great, man.

01:44:23.000 Tommy, you definitely want to be holding up the belt.

01:44:25.000 It's either me or Joe.

01:44:26.000 No way.

01:44:26.000 There's no way.

01:44:27.000 Flights, lodging, tickets.

01:44:29.000 He's just missing you.

01:44:30.000 There's no way.

01:44:31.000 He had $4,500 in a month.

01:44:32.000 You've never worked out with him.

01:44:33.000 I've worked out with him.

01:44:34.000 What happens?

01:44:35.000 Oh, he gives up.

01:44:35.000 Did we ever work out together?

01:44:37.000 No.

01:44:37.000 We've done hotel pre-show workouts.

01:44:39.000 That's right.

01:44:39.000 We worked out before.

01:44:40.000 Oh, and we did.

01:44:41.000 Actually, when we were in Phoenix, we went to an MMA gym.

01:44:45.000 Oh, that's right.

01:44:46.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:44:47.000 We did.

01:44:47.000 We worked out.

01:44:48.000 Yeah.

01:44:48.000 Tom and I used to go to Barry's Boot Camp together.

01:44:54.000 What happened?

01:44:55.000 I don't mind throwing up if I work out.

01:44:57.000 It seems like you enjoy it.

01:45:00.000 I do.

01:45:00.000 Because I know that I've done it as hard as I can do it.

01:45:04.000 I get it.

01:45:05.000 I've thrown up before.

01:45:07.000 A girl came into my green room this weekend and threw up. 1.00

01:45:10.000 She thought she was looking for the bathroom and just fucking threw up in my green room. 1.00

01:45:14.000 That's your kind of crowd. 0.99

01:45:16.000 That's what you're cultivating.

01:45:17.000 I started throwing up.

01:45:18.000 By the way, your promo you showed me, it's going to bring in more vomiters, just so you know. 1.00

01:45:23.000 I cut a promo.

01:45:25.000 It'll be dropping next Monday.

01:45:26.000 We're announcing my tour next week.

01:45:28.000 But I cut a promo.

01:45:30.000 It's all you hurling?

01:45:32.000 No, no, no. 0.99

01:45:32.000 It's just what it's like being at one of my shows and it's fucking chaos. 0.99

01:45:36.000 It's chaos. 0.99

01:45:37.000 Yeah.

01:45:37.000 Well, your shows are chaos.

01:45:39.000 You're not doing just a comedy show.

01:45:41.000 You've got like a whole party experience happening.

01:45:43.000 Well, yeah.

01:45:44.000 I mean, stand-up.

01:45:44.000 It's stand-up straight stand-up.

01:45:45.000 And then a lot of times I do a meet and greet.

01:45:48.000 People get to talk and hang out.

01:45:50.000 I think as a fan, I like that.

01:45:52.000 So I do that.

01:45:53.000 And then a lot of times at the end of the night, a lot of times I go, I'll be at the bar next door and everyone goes to the bar. 0.99

01:45:59.000 Those are fucking crazy. 0.76

01:46:00.000 Do you think you can do that when the crowds get to like 3,000, 4,000? 0.99

01:46:04.000 Of course not.

01:46:05.000 I don't know.

01:46:05.000 I actually had a real lucid conversation about what meet and greets are going to look like on this theater tour because I don't want to get rid of the meet and greets.

01:46:13.000 It means, as silly as it sounds, but I think it means something for them to hang out.

01:46:19.000 It does.

01:46:19.000 And I don't want to charge like $100 for a meet and greet, but I definitely can't do 1,200 people.

01:46:24.000 Like when I did the Wilbur, I told everyone to go meet me at the bar next door. 0.99

01:46:28.000 And it was fucking chaos. 0.99

01:46:30.000 I mean, it was like literally elbow to assholes. 1.00

01:46:33.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:46:33.000 And I just was not... 0.98

01:46:35.000 I didn't get to hang out with anyone.

01:46:36.000 I was just taking pictures over and over and over again.

01:46:38.000 Right, right.

01:46:39.000 So I want to try to figure out some workaround for a meet-and-greet for this theater tour because, dude, when I go to Scandinavia, I want to meet podcast fans.

01:46:46.000 You know one thing that annoys me?

01:46:48.000 Those pictures where people have stacks of pictures they want you to sign and they sell them.

01:46:52.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:46:53.000 That is not...

01:46:54.000 That's not, like, take a picture with me.

01:46:57.000 That's not, will you sign this for my friend?

01:46:59.000 That's not, will you sign this for me?

01:47:00.000 That's like, you're asking me to work.

01:47:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:02.000 And they're fucking shameless. 1.00

01:47:04.000 And they go, they come out with the one, like, hey, we signed, and you go, oh, yeah. 0.99

01:47:07.000 And then the six behind it come to the side, and they're like, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this.

01:47:13.000 Some guy the other day had 30. Yeah.

01:47:15.000 Whoa.

01:47:15.000 Yeah.

01:47:16.000 They're running to you at the airport and there's like six dudes and they have stacks.

01:47:19.000 Yeah.

01:47:19.000 Like, hey man, you're showing up and you want me to work.

01:47:22.000 This is what you're doing.

01:47:23.000 You want me to stop what I'm doing and you think it's only five minutes of your time.

01:47:27.000 Yeah.

01:47:27.000 That's true.

01:47:27.000 But you're not really a fan.

01:47:29.000 No.

01:47:29.000 You're just a guy trying to get me to work.

01:47:30.000 For sure.

01:47:31.000 Do you sign them?

01:47:32.000 No.

01:47:32.000 I sign one.

01:47:33.000 I say, I'll sign one.

01:47:34.000 I'll sign one.

01:47:35.000 And they get mad.

01:47:35.000 Like, some guy got mad in Philly.

01:47:37.000 Remember that dude?

01:47:37.000 He got upset.

01:47:38.000 Yeah.

01:47:39.000 He's like, do you know why you're famous?

01:47:41.000 You're fans!

01:47:42.000 And I was like, you're not a fan.

01:47:43.000 You just told me you're not a fan.

01:47:44.000 He told me.

01:47:45.000 He literally told me.

01:47:46.000 He's like, you don't even sell well.

01:47:49.000 He goes, you sell for like $7. 1.00

01:47:51.000 I go, I don't give a fuck what they sell for. 0.99

01:47:53.000 What, my autograph? 1.00

01:47:54.000 You don't even sell well.

01:47:56.000 I go, I sell.

01:47:56.000 I said, don't show up at the airport and harass me then.

01:47:59.000 I'll sign one.

01:48:00.000 Do you do a meet and greet?

01:48:01.000 You used to do a meet and greet tonight.

01:48:02.000 I used to do...

01:48:03.000 I'll still do that, but I used to do meet and greets at the Chicago Theater for 3,700 people.

01:48:08.000 I would wait and take photos with everybody for hours and hours. 0.99

01:48:11.000 That's cool as fuck, I think. 0.95

01:48:13.000 But you can't do it anymore. 0.99

01:48:14.000 People got too crazy.

01:48:15.000 As the podcast got crazier and crazier, people got crazy, and they would hold on to your arm and want to tell you how you changed their life and want to tell you long stories.

01:48:24.000 I'm like, look, I... There's 500 people behind you waiting.

01:48:29.000 I can't give you 15 minutes here.

01:48:31.000 I can't give you five minutes.

01:48:33.000 It just got too strange.

01:48:34.000 And it just got too many people wanting to get on the podcast.

01:48:38.000 Like, you've got to get me on.

01:48:39.000 I'm going to tell you my story about beating drug addiction.

01:48:41.000 I'm sure it's a great story.

01:48:42.000 I can't get you on.

01:48:43.000 Stop.

01:48:44.000 This is not how this works.

01:48:46.000 There's just too much of that.

01:48:48.000 If it was just, hi, I want to take a picture, I had a good time.

01:48:52.000 Great.

01:48:53.000 But it's not that.

01:48:54.000 Then it's all these agenda-driven people that want to do things and they want you to do things for them.

01:49:02.000 There's too many people that have been on the podcast that are just regular folks and then they get on the podcast and now people know about them.

01:49:07.000 And so a lot of people think, hey, if I just got on the podcast, that would make my career.

01:49:12.000 Totally.

01:49:13.000 Whether they're a singer or they have a book, it just gets too annoying.

01:49:18.000 It's too overwhelming.

01:49:21.000 But the meet and greet is actually part of your brand, I feel like.

01:49:24.000 Seriously.

01:49:25.000 Yeah, it definitely is.

01:49:25.000 When we did that theater run with Sal Vacano and Nate and all those guys...

01:49:31.000 No, I'm just moving.

01:49:32.000 I'm sorry.

01:49:35.000 None of the guys wanted to do a meet-and-greet, and there was like a thousand people waiting outside the theater, and I just thought...

01:49:42.000 But that's different, because that's who I am.

01:49:44.000 If I go see a band, I am like...

01:49:48.000 Super compelled to go talk to them and tell them how great I thought they were.

01:49:50.000 Part of that is who I am.

01:49:52.000 And so I went out and did pictures with everyone waiting in the alley at the Chicago Theater.

01:49:56.000 And I was like, and then when someone goes, dude, you have no idea.

01:49:59.000 I love the podcast.

01:50:00.000 I love Tommy.

01:50:01.000 I love the weight loss.

01:50:02.000 I love that interaction.

01:50:04.000 I remember one time I was in Scotland and I was like, I just hit it out.

01:50:07.000 Hey, does anyone, any fans want to go have a beer with me?

01:50:10.000 And these three guys showed up and it was right when Bobcat was on your podcast.

01:50:13.000 And we just bullshitted about Bobcat's appearance.

01:50:15.000 Wow.

01:50:16.000 We'd all listen to it.

01:50:17.000 So, you know, I think I... But I don't know what...

01:50:19.000 I'd like to maybe charge only to, like, weed out the people that don't want to, you know?

01:50:24.000 Yeah, but see, there's the problem.

01:50:25.000 I'm not...

01:50:26.000 I'm philosophically opposed to making people pay for pictures and making people pay to hang out with you.

01:50:32.000 I just don't think it's right.

01:50:34.000 But there should be a way to, like, just...

01:50:36.000 Yeah, but there's not.

01:50:37.000 Just thin the hurt a little bit.

01:50:38.000 But here's the thing.

01:50:38.000 Unless you charge money or pick people.

01:50:41.000 So there's a company now that does that.

01:50:43.000 They do these VIP things.

01:50:45.000 And someone brought it up to me.

01:50:47.000 And they're like, you can make this money.

01:50:48.000 I'm like, I'm not doing it.

01:50:49.000 And they go, but you can make some money.

01:50:50.000 Stop.

01:50:50.000 I'm not doing it.

01:50:51.000 I used to do it for free forever.

01:50:53.000 I stopped doing it because too many people got too weird.

01:50:56.000 But I'm not going to charge people.

01:50:57.000 I'm just not going to do it. 0.99

01:50:59.000 But I know a lot of fucking people that do. 0.99

01:51:02.000 A lot of people. 1.00

01:51:02.000 And they make a lot of money doing it. 1.00

01:51:04.000 You used to do it, right?

01:51:05.000 What?

01:51:05.000 The Mean Green?

01:51:06.000 Yeah.

01:51:06.000 Yeah, I also feel like, you know, honestly, I like meeting people.

01:51:10.000 I meet people on the street.

01:51:12.000 I meet them...

01:51:13.000 When I walk out of the back of the venue, there's people there.

01:51:17.000 I always meet people.

01:51:18.000 But I just don't...

01:51:19.000 I'm not that good at the meet and greet.

01:51:21.000 I'm just not that comfortable with it.

01:51:22.000 I don't like it that much.

01:51:23.000 It's definitely not...

01:51:24.000 I mean, not being shitty, but it's not you.

01:51:27.000 You're not like... 0.61

01:51:28.000 I'm not very social.

01:51:30.000 There's people that are demanding.

01:51:32.000 And they're like, oh, you don't love your fans because you don't want to do this extra thing for me.

01:51:37.000 No, no, no.

01:51:37.000 Here's the arrangement.

01:51:39.000 The arrangement is I work hard on my act.

01:51:41.000 I do a lot of sets.

01:51:42.000 I prepare, take the show very seriously.

01:51:45.000 I come to town.

01:51:46.000 I try to do a kick-ass show.

01:51:47.000 That's the arrangement.

01:51:49.000 Thank you, good night.

01:51:50.000 Our deal's done. 0.99

01:51:51.000 Now, if you think that you have to tell me some fucking life story for 20 minutes or I'm not your friend, like, no. 0.99

01:51:58.000 This is not the arrangement. 0.99

01:51:59.000 This is not, like, you're demanding too much.

01:52:01.000 And you're also not aware of how many other people would want to do the same thing.

01:52:05.000 Yeah.

01:52:05.000 Like it would be impossible.

01:52:06.000 It's just, it's untenable.

01:52:08.000 You can't do it.

01:52:09.000 There's too many humans.

01:52:09.000 I would say that for me, like anybody who wants to wait outside that door, I'll meet anybody.

01:52:15.000 Dude, she fucked up, son. 1.00

01:52:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:17.000 Shouldn't have said that. 1.00

01:52:18.000 That was a mistake.

01:52:19.000 They're not going to wait.

01:52:20.000 They're coming right now.

01:52:22.000 They're getting ready.

01:52:22.000 They're camping.

01:52:23.000 They have a little trailer out there right now.

01:52:25.000 Tom and I are so, it's amazing that we're friends because we're so very different men.

01:52:31.000 There was once a comment on his Instagram that made me laugh so hard compared to my comments.

01:52:36.000 It was, hey Tom, I'm really sorry for looking at you at the airport.

01:52:42.000 No, he said, I'm sorry.

01:52:43.000 I said, hi.

01:52:44.000 Sorry, I said hi to you at the airport.

01:52:46.000 But it's just Tom's face.

01:52:49.000 He's not needy.

01:52:50.000 That's what it is.

01:52:51.000 So when some guy said hi, Tom went, hi.

01:52:53.000 And then the guys didn't know what to say and walked away.

01:52:56.000 He came up.

01:52:57.000 I still remember it.

01:52:58.000 I was at the Atlanta airport.

01:53:00.000 He came over as I was about to take the escalator at Hartsfield-Jackson.

01:53:05.000 And he goes, hey, I'm a big fan.

01:53:07.000 I go, oh, hey, man.

01:53:08.000 And it was like a quick thing.

01:53:09.000 He was like...

01:53:10.000 Big fan.

01:53:11.000 I go, thanks a lot.

01:53:12.000 I appreciate it.

01:53:13.000 Got on the escalator.

01:53:13.000 Never thought twice.

01:53:14.000 And then he wrote, I'm sorry that I bothered you at the airport.

01:53:18.000 I was like, you didn't bother me at all.

01:53:20.000 That's just someone who's trying to get a reaction from you.

01:53:23.000 Oh, that's all it is.

01:53:24.000 He's not really sorry.

01:53:25.000 And also there was nothing to be sorry for.

01:53:28.000 I'm the exact opposite.

01:53:29.000 He just wants to keep it going.

01:53:31.000 Hey, I'm sorry.

01:53:32.000 Don't be sorry.

01:53:32.000 Can I hang out with you?

01:53:34.000 What's your dick taste like? 1.00

01:53:38.000 But, Burt, yeah, no one would ever apologize. 1.00

01:53:40.000 Dude, I was at the hotel that Bellator was going on this weekend in San Jose, and so it was all fucking fighters, right? 0.89

01:53:47.000 I ran into Big John McCarthy in the elevator. 0.94

01:53:50.000 What a great guy.

01:53:51.000 He's a great guy.

01:53:51.000 Dude, he's like, I knew who he was, but I didn't want to, like, I was afraid, and I was just working out, and he was like, he was like, hi, just get done working out?

01:53:59.000 I was like, yeah, I wouldn't want to bother him.

01:54:00.000 He goes, we have a mutual friend, and I was like, Does he know who I am? 1.00

01:54:03.000 He was like, Joe Rogan, and I went, I know exactly who the fuck you are. 1.00

01:54:06.000 But you saw that big cock. 1.00

01:54:09.000 That's a big fella. 1.00

01:54:10.000 No, no, John, that's a different guy. 1.00

01:54:12.000 I'm sure John has a big dick, too. 1.00

01:54:14.000 Musashi's got a fucking hammer. 1.00

01:54:17.000 When did you see Musashi's dick? 1.00

01:54:19.000 In the fucking sauna. 1.00

01:54:21.000 You saw his dick? 1.00

01:54:22.000 Dude, it's legit. 1.00

01:54:24.000 Of course.

01:54:25.000 He called me about it.

01:54:27.000 They called you about Musashi.

01:54:29.000 I didn't see the fight because the fight's on some new streaming thing called DAZN. It's called DAZN. They have a whole commercial about how dumb the name is with Michael Buffer.

01:54:41.000 They have a commercial about how dumb... 0.99

01:54:43.000 How do you spell it? 1.00

01:54:45.000 DAZN. DAZN? He's joking about, I know DAZN. It's called DAZN. But it's not DAZN. There's no O. Amen.

01:54:53.000 You can't change how people pronounce things phonetically. 1.00

01:54:57.000 That's stupid. 1.00

01:54:57.000 Someone probably made it and they got stuck. 1.00

01:54:59.000 Well, Mousasi just beat the shit out of Rory McDonald, stopped him in the second round.

01:55:03.000 I didn't even get a chance to see it, because I thought it was going to be on TV, and so I went to check my Bellator on my DVR, and it wasn't even there. 0.99

01:55:11.000 Did he beat him with his dick? 1.00

01:55:12.000 He beat the shit out of him with his dick. 1.00

01:55:14.000 I don't know how that guy cut weight with that fucking hog on it. 1.00

01:55:18.000 Hamming him with his cock. 1.00

01:55:19.000 Wow, I want to see that footage now. 1.00

01:55:22.000 How big?

01:55:25.000 10 inches?

01:55:26.000 I'll tell you what, it's bigger than this.

01:55:29.000 No.

01:55:30.000 That fatter than a water bottle?

01:55:31.000 Bro.

01:55:38.000 I'll tell you right now. 1.00

01:55:39.000 See, at a certain point in time, your dick becomes a liability when it's as fat as a water bottle. 1.00

01:55:43.000 For sure. 1.00

01:55:43.000 I don't know how he brought that into the ring with him. 1.00

01:55:48.000 Like, every girl, I mean, he's probably unsatisfied. 1.00

01:55:51.000 Totally.

01:55:52.000 All the time.

01:55:52.000 As soon as they pull it out, they're like, hold on a second.

01:55:54.000 They're like, get out of here.

01:55:55.000 Out! 0.58

01:55:56.000 He weighs 172 that day because I got on the scale after he did.

01:56:01.000 No, he weighs more than that.

01:56:02.000 He fights at 185. He cuts weight to get to 185. He used to be a light heavyweight champion.

01:56:07.000 So he used to be fighting at 205. Maybe I looked at the thing wrong.

01:56:10.000 Maybe I looked at the scale wrong.

01:56:11.000 And I think the scale was off because it said...

01:56:14.000 Did it say you weighed 195?

01:56:19.000 If Gegard could make 172, he would destroy everyone in the welterweight division. 1.00

01:56:24.000 He's a murderer. 0.98

01:56:25.000 Is that how you say his name? 1.00

01:56:26.000 He's big.

01:56:27.000 Gegard Mousasi.

01:56:28.000 I thought it was Gerald.

01:56:30.000 Maybe you're talking about a different person.

01:56:31.000 Nope, I'm dyslexic, so when I read things, I don't see it right away. 0.98

01:56:36.000 No, Musashi's a monster, man.

01:56:37.000 He's one of the big losses for the UFC, because in my opinion, he's one of the top two or three 185-pounders in the world at the UFC. He had beaten Chris Weidman, and then he goes over and fights in Bellator now.

01:56:49.000 But apparently, they just came up with some large cash.

01:56:52.000 They're trying to get big names over there.

01:56:53.000 Dude, Bellator...

01:56:54.000 I don't know anything about UFC, so don't hammer me about that, but like...

01:56:58.000 Dude, Bellator was really cool just being down there.

01:57:00.000 It was like Chael Sonnen, Rampage Jackson, like 50 Cent was there. 1.00

01:57:05.000 It was like a really like, if you're a passerby fan of MMA, then you're like, oh, shut the fuck up! 0.99

01:57:12.000 They're doing really good fights. 0.99

01:57:14.000 They have big, they have...

01:57:16.000 They have Michael Chandler, who's one of the top lightweights in the world.

01:57:20.000 Rory McDonald is one of the best, if not the best, welterweight in the world.

01:57:24.000 He's definitely like top two or three.

01:57:26.000 He's beaten Tyron Woodley, who's the UFC champion, who I think is the best.

01:57:30.000 But Rory they snagged over then, right?

01:57:31.000 They snagged him.

01:57:32.000 They have...

01:57:34.000 Yeah, but Vanderlei's way past his prime, and so is Rampage.

01:57:38.000 You know, those guys, they're doing the Legends tour, and Rampage just knocked out Vanderlei.

01:57:42.000 But Vanderlei doesn't look good anymore.

01:57:44.000 No.

01:57:45.000 They should let him get on the juice.

01:57:46.000 Let him juice it up.

01:57:48.000 Let him juice it up.

01:57:49.000 But, you know, they're doing a great job.

01:57:52.000 They're doing a great job.

01:57:54.000 They're promoting these fights well.

01:57:57.000 In the welterweight division, they have Douglas Lima, who's one of the best in the world.

01:58:01.000 They have Paul Daly, who can knock out any living human being.

01:58:05.000 They have Lorenz Larkin.

01:58:07.000 50 Cent was giving away a cash prize.

01:58:09.000 Jesus Trejo got into the steam room with 50 Cent.

01:58:13.000 What does it say to award Bellator?

01:58:14.000 What does it say?

01:58:16.000 Welterweight grand prize winner, a million dollar cash prize.

01:58:18.000 Didn't he just go bankrupt?

01:58:20.000 50?

01:58:20.000 Yeah.

01:58:21.000 Sold this part of a deal he had with the Get the Strap brand, which I guess he owned and sold, and part of that money is going into this.

01:58:28.000 A million dollars goes to give the person a million dollar cash prize.

01:58:32.000 So the welterweight Grand Prix, they had Koreshkov just fought Lima.

01:58:36.000 Those two guys are excellent too.

01:58:38.000 Koreshkov is another top 10 guy in the world, I think, and he's fighting for Bellator too.

01:58:43.000 Lima beat him.

01:58:44.000 Lima and Rory had a great fight.

01:58:47.000 Rory beat Lima by decision.

01:58:50.000 So there's Rory, Douglas Lima, Paul Daly, and still, to this day, Paul Daly can knock on anyone. 0.98

01:58:55.000 He's so fucking dangerous a puncher. 0.74

01:58:58.000 All he has to do is connect. 0.99

01:58:59.000 He's got a left hand that's just a nuclear missile.

01:59:02.000 And he just knocked out Lorenz Larkin, who's also a top welterweight.

01:59:06.000 There's so many good fighters over there now.

01:59:08.000 There's so many good fighters in general.

01:59:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:59:11.000 MMA is coming up right now.

01:59:13.000 I mean, there's the top talent. 0.98

01:59:15.000 This fucking fight this weekend between McGregor and Khabib Nurmagomedov is going to be crazy. 0.99

01:59:22.000 That is a crazy fight. 1.00

01:59:23.000 That's Vegas, right?

01:59:24.000 Yep. 1.00

01:59:24.000 That is a fucking crazy fight. 1.00

01:59:27.000 You're calling that? 1.00

01:59:27.000 Yep. 1.00

01:59:27.000 I don't know what the fuck's going to happen. 1.00

01:59:29.000 Are you excited? 0.99

01:59:30.000 Yeah.

01:59:31.000 How cool is that?

01:59:32.000 I wish I wasn't going on this cruise.

01:59:33.000 I would totally hit you up for tickets.

01:59:35.000 Yeah, man, I'm super excited.

01:59:36.000 Speaking of which, on this bet, do you think you can get us free tickets so we can take that out of the cash prizes?

01:59:44.000 To what?

01:59:45.000 To go where?

01:59:46.000 I'll get you free tickets for the UFC, for sure.

01:59:48.000 Do you think we could leverage you to get us tickets to a boxing match?

01:59:53.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:59:54.000 We can get some tickets.

01:59:55.000 As opposed to putting that on, because that may make the prize horrendous.

01:59:58.000 Right, if it's a primo fight.

02:00:01.000 Right, right.

02:00:02.000 So maybe I'll get the tickets for the fight.

02:00:04.000 I'll use leverage to get the tickets.

02:00:06.000 And then we'll make a big deal that we're going to go.

02:00:09.000 And then we'll get suites at some hotel somewhere.

02:00:12.000 Lodging.

02:00:13.000 And the loser has to pay for some extravagant meal and crazy booze. 1.00

02:00:18.000 Flights, right?

02:00:18.000 Someone's got to do flights.

02:00:19.000 Hold on.

02:00:20.000 Flights and lodging are going to be on the bet.

02:00:21.000 And then...

02:00:25.000 That's the way to do it.

02:00:26.000 Are we going to Vegas?

02:00:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:28.000 I don't want to go to Tokyo for some fucking stupid fight. 1.00

02:00:31.000 Yeah, let's go private jet. 1.00

02:00:32.000 Let's go private jet into Vegas.

02:00:33.000 Because he's talking about fighting this guy that's not Manny Pacquiao in Tokyo.

02:00:39.000 He's not talking about fighting Manny Pacquiao.

02:00:41.000 If he fights Manny Pacquiao, he's gonna fight him in Vegas.

02:00:43.000 That's where the real money is.

02:00:44.000 Bert, you're gonna end up spending a lot of money.

02:00:45.000 Should we get matching suits?

02:00:46.000 Do you think you're gonna lose?

02:00:47.000 No, I'm not going to lose.

02:00:48.000 There's no way.

02:00:48.000 Are you going to win the whole thing?

02:00:49.000 You think you're going to come in?

02:00:50.000 Is it your fantasy that you come in at the end and you win the whole thing?

02:00:53.000 Cinderella story.

02:00:54.000 You should work out with me once.

02:00:55.000 Okay. 1.00

02:00:56.000 I'll kill those fantasies. 1.00

02:00:58.000 I'll kill them all. 1.00

02:00:59.000 I'll kill them dead. 1.00

02:01:03.000 I want to know what you think you're going to get. 1.00

02:01:05.000 Dude, I've got a page of numbers right here.

02:01:08.000 What do you think it's going to happen?

02:01:09.000 I almost want to unfriend you now so that you can't see my track.

02:01:13.000 You should see mine.

02:01:14.000 Yours is scaring me.

02:01:16.000 I know what I have to do now when I go home tonight.

02:01:18.000 Wait, let me understand.

02:01:20.000 What do you think you're going to get?

02:01:21.000 I want to know.

02:01:23.000 What do you think you're going to get?

02:01:24.000 Because you're good at calling your shots.

02:01:27.000 Well, Tom has already achieved more in a day than my first workout.

02:01:32.000 You've already achieved 230, you said, was the most you had a day?

02:01:34.000 The most I've ever done in a day is 380. 380 in a day?

02:01:38.000 Is that a two-a-day?

02:01:39.000 Yeah.

02:01:40.000 Wow.

02:01:41.000 Actually, I'm sorry.

02:01:42.000 It's more than that.

02:01:43.000 380 in one workout.

02:01:44.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:01:45.000 How did you do that?

02:01:47.000 Seven miles and I did mostly uphill and then I went around and like so it was like a hike run, right?

02:01:56.000 Sustained heart rate for a long period of time. 0.99

02:01:59.000 Oh you guys are fucked then when I wear this elk hunting. 1.00

02:02:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:02:03.000 You guys will never care. 1.00

02:02:04.000 I'll get 500 in a day.

02:02:05.000 Oh, you'll do more than that.

02:02:07.000 You want side action?

02:02:08.000 You guys can get side action going on top workout.

02:02:11.000 Side pieces?

02:02:12.000 Right.

02:02:14.000 And most single day.

02:02:15.000 Most single day.

02:02:16.000 On that day, so you could do, let's say, a hike like that, a run, and then go back and go, oh, I want to get another 100 points.

02:02:27.000 I'm going to go on this.

02:02:28.000 How long was this battery go for?

02:02:29.000 A long time.

02:02:30.000 Yeah?

02:02:31.000 Can you work for a week?

02:02:33.000 Yeah.

02:02:34.000 Really?

02:02:34.000 Yeah, I didn't charge mine for a second time until after I had it for over seven months.

02:02:39.000 Oh, okay, for all skeptical people.

02:02:40.000 This is not a sponsor.

02:02:42.000 We don't know anybody that works at this company.

02:02:45.000 We talked about it in text messages.

02:02:47.000 I said, we should do this punk rock.

02:02:49.000 We shouldn't have a company sponsoring us.

02:02:52.000 No.

02:02:52.000 This is a good metric system.

02:02:55.000 It's a good product.

02:02:55.000 We're going to use it because of that.

02:02:57.000 And I don't want them to sponsor us.

02:02:59.000 So this is non-sponsored. 1.00

02:03:01.000 And if it's a piece of shit, we're going to get to say it's a piece of shit. 1.00

02:03:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:03:06.000 So.

02:03:06.000 Just so.

02:03:07.000 Because people are like, you fucking went corporate. 0.99

02:03:09.000 I like these side acts. 0.99

02:03:11.000 I like these side acts.

02:03:11.000 Bert right now is like, I kind of wish you'd do a sponsor.

02:03:14.000 No, I'll try.

02:03:14.000 Kim Jong-un's willing to sponsor me.

02:03:16.000 Fly me out.

02:03:17.000 I'll do a big show.

02:03:18.000 Pyongyang is a nice place.

02:03:20.000 It's still that bad.

02:03:21.000 You know I'd do it for real if they hit me up, and then I'd get destroyed.

02:03:24.000 Would you really, though?

02:03:26.000 Probably.

02:03:27.000 But why would you want to do that?

02:03:28.000 Why would you want to go to a...

02:03:29.000 I don't know.

02:03:29.000 It's about the stories.

02:03:30.000 I like crazy stuff like that.

02:03:33.000 It's definitely a good story.

02:03:34.000 It's definitely on brand.

02:03:36.000 Most single-day workout gets a new suit.

02:03:39.000 Okay, that's good.

02:03:41.000 And all three of us have to buy them a new suit.

02:03:43.000 Oh, Ari just texted. 1.00

02:03:44.000 What'd he say?

02:03:45.000 How do I register this thing?

02:03:46.000 Alright, Ari's in. 0.99

02:03:47.000 We got a fucking Patsy. 0.99

02:03:49.000 That means he's in. 1.00

02:03:49.000 He's in, man. 1.00

02:03:51.000 Wow, Ari's in. 0.98

02:03:52.000 How is Ari going to compete? 1.00

02:03:55.000 But he doesn't exercise.

02:03:56.000 Oh, you know what's so great?

02:03:57.000 Most single day he gets a suit and we're going to be in the best shape of our lives.

02:04:00.000 So we'll get a skinny suit that we'll never be able to wear again.

02:04:02.000 Yeah, we should, right?

02:04:03.000 He has to email them for a facility code.

02:04:06.000 Yeah, it's easy.

02:04:07.000 They'll send it right away.

02:04:09.000 You're right.

02:04:10.000 We should wear suits to the gig.

02:04:12.000 Yeah.

02:04:13.000 Oh, I've never...

02:04:13.000 I don't even have a suit.

02:04:15.000 Alright.

02:04:16.000 Yeah.

02:04:16.000 Well, you know what we'll do?

02:04:17.000 I'll contact David August.

02:04:19.000 They're the guys who make my suits.

02:04:20.000 Yes.

02:04:21.000 You have suits?

02:04:22.000 Yeah.

02:04:22.000 I know David August.

02:04:24.000 Yeah, they make awesome suits.

02:04:26.000 Hey, he sure does.

02:04:26.000 Handmade.

02:04:27.000 It's got like a little bit of flex to it, so if you're built like a troll like me, you can move around in these things.

02:04:31.000 There's a flex around their belly?

02:04:32.000 Yes, everything.

02:04:34.000 What's that, Jamie?

02:04:34.000 Tom's got a suit guy.

02:04:35.000 You got a suit guy?

02:04:36.000 Yeah, but David August is...

02:04:37.000 Yeah, he makes Conor McGregor suits.

02:04:40.000 Wait, have you ever seen the video of when Tom got his fat suit?

02:04:45.000 He looks like a king of comedy!

02:04:47.000 Tom went to Asia with Chad.

02:04:50.000 Chad Daniels and Pete Lee.

02:04:51.000 And they went and got suits made.

02:04:53.000 Well, Ari does that. 1.00

02:04:55.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.68

02:04:56.000 There's a documentary called I Need You to Kill that I'm in.

02:04:58.000 It's really good.

02:04:59.000 It's on Amazon Prime.

02:05:00.000 And there's a scene in the documentary where we go and we get suits made.

02:05:07.000 And yeah, I go with Chad and it's really, really fun, man.

02:05:12.000 I mean, yeah, I went to the same district that Ari got his maid in. 0.52

02:05:17.000 And that guy, Danny.

02:05:19.000 I went to Danny.

02:05:21.000 The names are really...

02:05:23.000 They're like, did you get yours at Joe's or Danny's?

02:05:26.000 Like, that's the designers there.

02:05:29.000 But they do a great job, man.

02:05:30.000 First place pays for nothing.

02:05:31.000 Second place, most single day gets a brand new suit.

02:05:36.000 Should we do third place pays lodging?

02:05:38.000 Fourth place pays for flights and we fly private?

02:05:41.000 I like it.

02:05:42.000 I like that.

02:05:43.000 Man, Ari's going to have to pay for a flight. 1.00

02:05:45.000 You're going to pay lodging.

02:05:46.000 Yeah, right.

02:05:47.000 There's no way.

02:05:48.000 Second place has got to pay for something.

02:05:49.000 Yeah, second place has got to pay for it.

02:05:51.000 Whatever the second...

02:05:52.000 Dinner.

02:05:52.000 One big...

02:05:53.000 No, I don't know.

02:05:53.000 Lodging might be more than dinner.

02:05:55.000 Yeah, big dinner.

02:05:55.000 I would say big dinner.

02:05:56.000 Big dinner. 0.99

02:05:56.000 We could ball the fuck out on that. 0.99

02:05:59.000 Yeah, we could go crazy at dinner. 0.99

02:06:00.000 Bottles of wine for a thousand bucks.

02:06:01.000 Do you realize if I'm in...

02:06:02.000 Oh my God.

02:06:04.000 Now I'm getting panicked because I know that I'm going to be wanting to drink at a dinner.

02:06:07.000 I told you about the dinner I went to Ralphie with.

02:06:09.000 Ralphie Mae?

02:06:10.000 Me and Ralphie went to dinner with our families.

02:06:12.000 What did you guys do?

02:06:13.000 This is one of my favorite stories.

02:06:15.000 We've been partying all weekend.

02:06:17.000 This is Hawaii.

02:06:17.000 No, this is Bahamas.

02:06:19.000 Oh, okay.

02:06:20.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:06:21.000 But you've got to set it up that at the time, you're like middling or just entry level.

02:06:27.000 That was a feature act.

02:06:28.000 How many years ago was this?

02:06:30.000 This was Leanne and I's first trip away from Georgia.

02:06:33.000 So it's from our daughter.

02:06:35.000 10 years plus?

02:06:36.000 It's got to be at least 10, 11 years.

02:06:38.000 Oh, you can actually find it.

02:06:39.000 It's on my video, because I posted a video at that time.

02:06:41.000 So it's probably 2007, maybe?

02:06:44.000 Before traveling.

02:06:44.000 So what happened?

02:06:44.000 And Ralphie's killing it.

02:06:45.000 It was the week before I started Burt the Conqueror.

02:06:47.000 I was 37 years old.

02:06:48.000 Oh, okay.

02:06:49.000 36 years old at the time.

02:06:50.000 Ralphie's killing it.

02:06:51.000 Ralphie's balling.

02:06:51.000 Yeah.

02:06:52.000 I'm headlining some, maybe for like $1,500, $2,000 I'm headlining.

02:06:56.000 But I'm still featuring at the time.

02:06:58.000 Okay.

02:06:59.000 And so maybe I'd done Jameson Comedy Tour.

02:07:01.000 So I had a little bit of money, but no money to speak of.

02:07:05.000 So we go to do this gig for Paul and Young Ron.

02:07:08.000 And the first night there, we go out to eat, and it's a huge dinner.

02:07:10.000 And I'm like, how much do I own?

02:07:11.000 And I was like, oh, player, you know I got that Bird Chrysler.

02:07:14.000 Don't worry about it.

02:07:16.000 You and Leigh Ann have a great weekend.

02:07:17.000 I said, no, I got to pay for something.

02:07:19.000 No, player, don't even reach for your while when you're Ralph and Ralph and May.

02:07:22.000 So we go out that night.

02:07:23.000 Everyone goes drinking.

02:07:24.000 We have a great time.

02:07:25.000 The next night we go out to eat.

02:07:27.000 Everyone goes out to eat.

02:07:28.000 Ralphie, once again, I go to pay for it.

02:07:29.000 He goes, oh, playboy, you know money's no good around me.

02:07:32.000 Just come on.

02:07:33.000 Have a good time.

02:07:33.000 We go to a show.

02:07:34.000 Have an amazing fucking show. 0.99

02:07:37.000 We go out drinking again. 1.00

02:07:38.000 Ralphie picks up everything.

02:07:39.000 The last night there, we go to sushi at Nobu.

02:07:42.000 And Leanne says, you can't let Ralphie pay.

02:07:44.000 You've got to pick up the bill.

02:07:45.000 And I went, okay.

02:07:46.000 So I go over to the lady before... 1.00

02:07:50.000 I'm going to screw up numbers.

02:07:53.000 I'll tell you that right now.

02:07:54.000 But I go over to the lady before the bill comes and I go, hey, the big guy's not paying.

02:07:57.000 Here's my credit card.

02:07:58.000 And she's like, okay.

02:07:59.000 So we eat, and I drink, and we eat, and I drink.

02:08:02.000 And Ralphie's getting, like, boats, right?

02:08:04.000 Boats.

02:08:05.000 Like, they're just like, you know, where they lay it out.

02:08:07.000 I mean, they brought out 50 pieces of hushie.

02:08:09.000 Yeah, they're like, are you cool with eating dolphins?

02:08:11.000 And so, and I am doing sake bomb after sake bomb, and the lady comes with a check, and it's like, $2,000. 0.83

02:08:20.000 I did not have $2,000, and I didn't have enough money for the tip.

02:08:26.000 I was like...

02:08:27.000 Why did you think you could pay?

02:08:29.000 I didn't know what the bill would be.

02:08:30.000 I've never paid attention to that stuff.

02:08:32.000 What?

02:08:32.000 Do you ever eat out?

02:08:34.000 No, but I wasn't paying attention to what the bill would be.

02:08:36.000 I thought it would be $500, $600.

02:08:39.000 I didn't know how expensive sushi at Nobu was that everything's through the roof.

02:08:44.000 She puts the check in front of me, and I open it up, and I see it, and I immediately...

02:08:50.000 Freeze.

02:08:51.000 And Leanne goes, how much is it? 1.00

02:08:52.000 And just instinctually, I go, fuck you, that's how much it is. 1.00

02:08:55.000 And she goes, and Ralphie fucking, fucking, oh shit, Bert Kreischer! 1.00

02:09:00.000 You fuck now! 1.00

02:09:01.000 You should've let me pay, Bert Kreischer! 1.00

02:09:04.000 Then I go, Ralphie goes, don't worry, player, we go out and win it back.

02:09:07.000 So I go to our bank machine, and I pull out a thousand dollars, and I go over, and I put it on black.

02:09:12.000 Hits red.

02:09:14.000 I'm down $3,000 within a matter of minutes.

02:09:18.000 Wesley Snipes lied to you.

02:09:20.000 Leanne won't speak to me.

02:09:21.000 It's probably one of our biggest fights we've ever been in.

02:09:24.000 We're fighting in the lobby, and I'm hammered.

02:09:27.000 She's mad because you bet the extra money? 1.00

02:09:29.000 No, because I said, fuck you, that's how much it is. 1.00

02:09:31.000 Don't ever talk to me like that. 1.00

02:09:32.000 You're my partner.

02:09:33.000 We're team.

02:09:34.000 I didn't know what to say in the moment.

02:09:36.000 It was more money than we had.

02:09:38.000 That was like, at the time, that was like probably three weeks on the road for me.

02:09:41.000 Of course, it's crazy. 1.00

02:09:42.000 Damn, you fucked up, son. 1.00

02:09:43.000 And then you gambled away a thousand like a week? 1.00

02:09:46.000 Fucking, God. 1.00

02:09:47.000 Is that Mickey Mantle gene? 1.00

02:09:49.000 Yeah.

02:09:49.000 That's not a Mickey Mantle gene.

02:09:50.000 I'm joking, I'm joking.

02:09:51.000 That's Lou Gehrig's disease.

02:09:57.000 It's preposterous.

02:09:58.000 My favorite part of that story is just like, you know, that you got shamed.

02:10:03.000 That's what I love about it.

02:10:04.000 What makes you feel good about that? 1.00

02:10:06.000 It's just that it's my friend doing something stupid. 0.99

02:10:12.000 I gotta run, actually. 1.00

02:10:13.000 Oh, okay.

02:10:14.000 I do.

02:10:14.000 Sorry.

02:10:14.000 Oh, so we haven't worked this out, right?

02:10:15.000 I know.

02:10:16.000 We kind of have to bring Ari in on this, right?

02:10:19.000 Because he can't have no say.

02:10:21.000 He couldn't be here today.

02:10:22.000 We do.

02:10:22.000 Call him right now.

02:10:23.000 Okay, call him up.

02:10:24.000 Yeah.

02:10:25.000 Let's see if he answers.

02:10:27.000 Let's see if we all call at the same time who he answers.

02:10:30.000 I know who he's answering.

02:10:32.000 Let me see.

02:10:35.000 Stingy Joe.

02:10:40.000 Did you get him?

02:10:42.000 You trying?

02:10:43.000 Go ahead.

02:10:46.000 What?

02:10:47.000 What? 1.00

02:10:48.000 Can I do this fucking stupid thing? 1.00

02:10:52.000 Hey, you're on speaker with Joe and Tom. 1.00

02:10:54.000 We can all hear you.

02:10:55.000 And we're doing Joe's podcast.

02:10:57.000 I give no consent to this.

02:10:59.000 You do not have consent to use my voice.

02:11:04.000 Hey, we're talking about the bet.

02:11:07.000 Here's what we're thinking, right?

02:11:08.000 So with these MyZone fitness trackers, Joe did 200 today.

02:11:15.000 He plans on doing two a day.

02:11:17.000 So we're thinking the person who gets the most...

02:11:20.000 Most calories...

02:11:21.000 Most points burnt in a week.

02:11:22.000 He doesn't have to pay for anything out of this challenge, okay?

02:11:25.000 That's Joe who's running away from.

02:11:27.000 Everything.

02:11:28.000 That's Joe.

02:11:29.000 Murder.

02:11:30.000 My agent's now calling. 1.00

02:11:31.000 Shit. 1.00

02:11:32.000 No, so... 1.00

02:11:33.000 The bet is we're going to go see...

02:11:35.000 Running away from.

02:11:36.000 We're fighting...

02:11:38.000 We're going to a fight in Las Vegas, okay?

02:11:41.000 Joe thinks he can get... 1.00

02:11:42.000 Hang up with your fucking agent. 1.00

02:11:43.000 I don't know how to. 1.00

02:11:44.000 Don't be scared.

02:11:45.000 I don't know how to...

02:11:46.000 There we go.

02:11:47.000 Here we go.

02:11:48.000 First place will have to pay for nothing.

02:11:50.000 Second place would have to pay for, we're thinking maybe one meal.

02:11:54.000 Third place will have to pay for lodging. 0.97

02:11:56.000 Just let me fucking finish. 0.99

02:11:58.000 Third place will pay for lodging. 0.99

02:11:59.000 Fourth place will pay for...

02:12:01.000 When you say let me finish, I don't know any of the things you're talking about.

02:12:03.000 I don't know the terms you're talking about.

02:12:05.000 So you're giving me all the details of something I don't understand.

02:12:07.000 Good point.

02:12:08.000 So what I would suggest you're doing is telling me what you're talking about and then giving me the details.

02:12:12.000 The person with the most fitness points for the month will get in first place.

02:12:18.000 The person with the second most fitness points will get in second place, and so on.

02:12:22.000 Now, there's a side bet going on.

02:12:24.000 Wait, wait, wait.

02:12:25.000 And the prize is going to a big fight, a big boxing match.

02:12:28.000 A big boxing match in Las Vegas.

02:12:30.000 There you go.

02:12:31.000 Yes.

02:12:32.000 First place, the person with the most fitness points for the month will not have to pay for one thing.

02:12:38.000 Second, please.

02:12:39.000 What about a pubic hair beard?

02:12:50.000 Come on.

02:12:51.000 See, I knew he would turn this into humiliation. 0.98

02:12:53.000 We all come on the loser's face, though. 0.87

02:12:55.000 That's part of it.

02:12:57.000 That's part of it.

02:12:59.000 Drink a goblet of our piss.

02:13:02.000 Combined piss.

02:13:03.000 And I'm eating asparagus.

02:13:04.000 Wait, but so, Ari, are you in?

02:13:06.000 Is he in?

02:13:07.000 Are you in on the bet?

02:13:15.000 That's true.

02:13:15.000 We have to figure out the weekend.

02:13:17.000 It's got to be a weekend everyone can go.

02:13:18.000 Yeah, we'll figure out the weekend.

02:13:20.000 It's an event.

02:13:21.000 It's a boxing match.

02:13:21.000 I hate boxing.

02:13:22.000 Oh, tell them this. 1.00

02:13:23.000 Yeah, but we're going to be high as fuck. 1.00

02:13:25.000 It'll be fun. 0.99

02:13:26.000 And tell them this.

02:13:26.000 There's a belt involved.

02:13:28.000 Oh yeah, the winner gets a belt. 0.96

02:13:29.000 We're getting a belt made.

02:13:31.000 Sober October belt.

02:13:34.000 And you're going to have to defend it every year.

02:13:36.000 We're having it made.

02:13:38.000 And it's going to have pills on it with a line through it, heroin on it with a line through it? 1.00

02:13:43.000 A guy sucking his own dick. 1.00

02:13:46.000 Why don't we do something we all want to do? 1.00

02:13:49.000 Well, we were going to go to see Floyd Mayweather rematch Manny Pacquiao.

02:13:53.000 We don't have to do it though.

02:13:55.000 But it'd be fun.

02:13:56.000 Will it take place nine years ago when everyone wanted to see it?

02:14:00.000 It would be fun to be in Vegas like a gentleman.

02:14:03.000 Yeah, we're all together.

02:14:04.000 Yeah, we don't have to work.

02:14:05.000 We're just all there to hang out. 1.00

02:14:07.000 We're going to smoke cigars like a fucking gentleman. 1.00

02:14:10.000 When is that happening? 0.99

02:14:12.000 I think it takes place sometime in December, but they haven't made the date.

02:14:16.000 They haven't made the date yet.

02:14:19.000 You're in, right?

02:14:19.000 I'm gone all December.

02:14:20.000 You're gone all December?

02:14:22.000 Where are you going?

02:14:23.000 European? 0.70

02:14:26.000 What if we go to a good Bellator event where I don't have to work?

02:14:32.000 You want to go see an MMA event?

02:14:35.000 Why don't you take off and we go see a UFC in the middle of the stands and we'll get high there. 0.72

02:14:39.000 We'll do a bunch of heroin in the stands. 1.00

02:14:42.000 I can't take off one...

02:14:44.000 Okay, I'll tell you one thing.

02:14:45.000 We can do one that I don't have to do, because I only do the big ones.

02:14:49.000 I don't do the ESPN ones, and some of the ESPN ones are going to be really big.

02:14:53.000 I could be in the audience for that.

02:14:55.000 Yeah, let's do that.

02:14:56.000 We could do that.

02:14:57.000 Okay, now we don't have to worry about tickets.

02:14:59.000 Okay.

02:15:00.000 Alright, the fourth place has to play for the flight, and we're flying private.

02:15:06.000 Private jet?

02:15:09.000 Yeah, but just to Vegas.

02:15:10.000 It's not a lot.

02:15:14.000 If it's a Vegas event, though, I'm probably going to work it.

02:15:17.000 I'm going to be honest with you. 0.99

02:15:18.000 Okay, so it's just to fucking New York. 0.98

02:15:21.000 It's not that much. 0.98

02:15:21.000 Yeah, Toronto. 0.98

02:15:24.000 We'll have to figure out where it is.

02:15:26.000 I can't even get this thing registered.

02:15:29.000 We'll take care of that.

02:15:31.000 Ari, I sent you an email.

02:15:32.000 If you email the email, I just sent you a text message.

02:15:35.000 If you email that address, they'll send you a facility code right away.

02:15:41.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:15:42.000 It'll come.

02:15:43.000 Just send an email to support at...

02:15:46.000 I sent you all the details.

02:15:48.000 Just say I need a facility code.

02:15:50.000 Did you buy yours on Amazon?

02:15:52.000 Me too.

02:15:53.000 They didn't send me a facility code.

02:15:55.000 Are you in for a tiered financial bet for a UFC event where Joe doesn't have to work?

02:16:02.000 I like the humiliation.

02:16:04.000 Humiliation is so much better than money.

02:16:06.000 Okay, you know what?

02:16:07.000 Let's find a sweet little spot of humiliation in this for last place. 0.99

02:16:12.000 Last place has got, there's a punishment involved. 0.99

02:16:16.000 You gotta drink piss.

02:16:18.000 Everybody's piss.

02:16:19.000 Shots of piss.

02:16:20.000 No, no, no.

02:16:22.000 Goblet. 1.00

02:16:23.000 Now I know why you guys are fucking friends. 1.00

02:16:26.000 No, straight from the tap. 1.00

02:16:28.000 Like a Yeti tumbler.

02:16:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:16:37.000 We'll use a JRE Tumblr and we'll write the piss champion on it.

02:16:42.000 This one right here.

02:16:43.000 We'll keep it.

02:16:44.000 We'll always keep it on this table so we'll know that the person drank the other people's piss. 0.99

02:16:48.000 I'll be like fucking Forrest Gump this month. 0.99

02:16:50.000 Listen, man. 0.99

02:16:51.000 Why don't you guys just come on my back?

02:16:52.000 I hosted Fear Factor. 0.99

02:16:54.000 I'll drink a gallon of piss right in front of your mom. 1.00

02:16:56.000 You're not going to have to be the one drinking piss. 0.98

02:16:58.000 It's either Tom or Ari.

02:16:59.000 I'm worried about my friends.

02:17:00.000 Yeah, sure.

02:17:01.000 Ari, he doesn't believe that you could ever possibly win this. 0.97

02:17:04.000 There's no way Burt will even come in fucking third. 0.98

02:17:06.000 There's no way. 0.99

02:17:07.000 What do you think of this, Ari?

02:17:09.000 Rogan, you'll win it.

02:17:11.000 For sure, you'll win it.

02:17:12.000 You're going two a day. 0.91

02:17:14.000 I mean, you're an animal.

02:17:16.000 But what about Burt's Mickey Mantle gene?

02:17:20.000 That would help him.

02:17:21.000 Burt, you're on the road a lot or no?

02:17:23.000 Yeah.

02:17:24.000 I'm on a cruise next week.

02:17:28.000 I'm gonna, I'm trying to get Bert to die trying to keep up with me.

02:17:33.000 I'm gonna do four days.

02:17:34.000 I'm doing four days.

02:17:35.000 Yeah.

02:17:36.000 Good luck.

02:17:36.000 Yeah, you're on four days.

02:17:37.000 Okay, there's four fucking snickers to a pack. 0.99

02:17:40.000 Listen, That's fine. 0.99

02:17:53.000 We can do that, though.

02:17:54.000 We'll figure that out.

02:17:55.000 And then we'll add, we will come up with a, and maybe this will be fun, a very tasteful, yet meaningful punishment.

02:18:03.000 For last place.

02:18:05.000 Well, tasteful, you're out of Ari's wheelhouse when you say tasteful.

02:18:08.000 He wants it to be humiliating. 1.00

02:18:10.000 Put a frozen hot dog up your asshole. 1.00

02:18:11.000 That's what he's talking about. 1.00

02:18:13.000 Yeah.

02:18:15.000 Thought is too slippery.

02:18:17.000 I'm real busy up until the end of April.

02:18:20.000 From November until the end of April, I really don't have any weeks open.

02:18:23.000 Well, we could certainly do something at the end of April.

02:18:26.000 We could figure it out.

02:18:27.000 Look, we'll figure that part of it out.

02:18:29.000 But you're in, right?

02:18:29.000 You're in on the bet.

02:18:33.000 Okay, that's what we need to know.

02:18:34.000 Wait, what's the bet?

02:18:39.000 The bet is, first place pays for nothing, second place pays for a meal, third place pays for a lodging, and fourth place pays for a private jet.

02:18:54.000 What's wrong with you guys?

02:18:55.000 You're in.

02:18:56.000 You're in, right?

02:18:56.000 You're in.

02:18:57.000 What's wrong?

02:18:58.000 That's humiliating.

02:19:00.000 But that's part of what's humiliating.

02:19:02.000 You've got to pay so much money.

02:19:04.000 Just don't come in fourth.

02:19:05.000 Yeah, don't come in fourth.

02:19:07.000 Enjoy those long walks in the East Village.

02:19:09.000 Yeah, those will definitely make you win. 1.00

02:19:13.000 Shut up. 1.00

02:19:16.000 Just hang up on me. 1.00

02:19:18.000 How about a helicopter?

02:19:23.000 Cruise ship?

02:19:25.000 Winnebago across the country.

02:19:26.000 Why's it gotta be money related? 1.00

02:19:29.000 It's just so dumb. 0.98

02:19:30.000 It's just like, ah, he's right at check and doesn't do anything. 0.99

02:19:32.000 Makes you feel terrible.

02:19:33.000 Yeah, but we're all like, the whole thing is that we're having fun together doing it.

02:19:37.000 It's not supposed to be like really...

02:19:38.000 Ari wants you to suffer. 1.00

02:19:40.000 He wants you to drink his piss. 1.00

02:19:42.000 And wear his pubes on your face. 1.00

02:19:46.000 You gotta get the names of the three winners tattooed on your left, on your right hand.

02:19:51.000 On the inside palm of your right hand.

02:19:55.000 I'm not into that.

02:19:58.000 Yeah, but I do like the belt.

02:20:00.000 I do like the fact that we have to defend the belt.

02:20:03.000 I like the belt or a trophy, a moving trophy every year.

02:20:05.000 I like the belt.

02:20:07.000 That way the person who has the belt, whoever wins, they get to keep it in their house and make videos in front of the belt.

02:20:12.000 Albert is very motivated.

02:20:14.000 Do you have any idea? 1.00

02:20:15.000 I'm gonna fucking murder this. 0.99

02:20:17.000 All the social media points he can get, stand in front of that belt, letting everybody know. 1.00

02:20:22.000 Woohoo! 1.00

02:20:24.000 And Tom will finally have a belt that fits him.

02:20:27.000 So keep going.

02:20:31.000 So this has nothing to do with...

02:20:35.000 So it's not about how many calories you burn.

02:20:37.000 It's just about these weird points that this thing makes.

02:20:40.000 Which is basically related to effort.

02:20:42.000 It's like effort points.

02:20:43.000 Yeah.

02:20:44.000 It's a good system.

02:20:46.000 Yeah.

02:20:47.000 You're in, correct Ari?

02:20:49.000 You're in.

02:20:49.000 And by the way, by the way...

02:20:50.000 I don't have any interest in going out to Vegas to get a private jet to then go to Vegas with you guys.

02:20:56.000 Okay, what do you want to do?

02:20:57.000 What do you think it should be?

02:21:00.000 Some sort of humiliating thing or the rest of it.

02:21:02.000 But like, I would probably meet you guys in Vegas.

02:21:04.000 I wouldn't go to LA to then go to Vegas.

02:21:07.000 Tommy Buns has to leave.

02:21:09.000 We'll sort this out, but for sure there'll be a belt involved.

02:21:13.000 For sure...

02:21:13.000 No, like the begging.

02:21:14.000 The begging for the money.

02:21:16.000 I'm...

02:21:16.000 We're not really interested.

02:21:19.000 That's boring to us.

02:21:21.000 Ari, how about this?

02:21:22.000 Can you agree on this tiered structure if we find an event that you are comfortable and really excited about?

02:21:29.000 An event to go to?

02:21:30.000 Yeah, an event to go to.

02:21:32.000 It doesn't have to be...

02:21:33.000 I mean, I think UFC would be fun for...

02:21:34.000 I've never seen a UFC fight.

02:21:36.000 But a tiered structure...

02:21:58.000 No, we're going to get David August to do it.

02:22:03.000 Only the guy who makes suits for Conor McGregor and me.

02:22:06.000 Oh, that's nice.

02:22:07.000 I think I made suits for Mao Zedong.

02:22:10.000 Really?

02:22:13.000 So we only make smalls?

02:22:15.000 Did he really?

02:22:16.000 Are you just joking?

02:22:18.000 He's been around for like 70 years.

02:22:20.000 No, I don't think he did.

02:22:22.000 Wow, that would trump it.

02:22:24.000 We'll get the guy who makes suits for Putin.

02:22:27.000 Maybe we'll know Kim Jong-un's guy by the end of this. 0.92

02:22:33.000 It's just only because it's going to be anticlimactic, but you're going to go on this until probably May, at least.

02:22:40.000 Yeah, but that'll be fine because we'll have a belt. 0.98

02:22:42.000 Yeah.

02:22:43.000 The winner will get to parade around.

02:22:47.000 Yeah, I like the suit.

02:22:48.000 Bert's already got the belt sitting on his shelf.

02:22:50.000 He's planning on doing his little Instagram stories in front of the belt.

02:22:55.000 I can't wait.

02:23:01.000 I don't know, Ari.

02:23:02.000 Listen, man, you got a lot of resolve. 0.99

02:23:04.000 I saw how you manned up for the fucking yoga challenge. 0.99

02:23:06.000 You might man up. 0.99

02:23:07.000 By the way, I'm doing the yoga challenge, too.

02:23:10.000 I'm doing both things.

02:23:12.000 Do you burn stuff during yoga, during hot yoga?

02:23:14.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:23:15.000 I'm going to do 15 hot yoga classes as well.

02:23:18.000 Wow.

02:23:20.000 I'm going hard. 1.00

02:23:21.000 I'm trying to kill Burt. 0.99

02:23:22.000 I'm going hard. 0.99

02:23:23.000 I'm trying to match Joe.

02:23:24.000 I want Burt to try...

02:23:25.000 In probably five years.

02:23:27.000 Yeah, the last time you worked out was probably when we did jiu-jitsu together.

02:23:33.000 I mean, I did like a day at a hotel gym for like 30 minutes once, five years ago.

02:23:38.000 I want Bert to fall apart.

02:23:40.000 I want Joe to recognize the Mickey Mantle gene. 1.00

02:23:42.000 That's bullshit. 0.99

02:23:43.000 Listen, I want Bert to fall apart. 1.00

02:23:46.000 You should have already recognized it.

02:23:49.000 Yeah, I recognize that.

02:23:51.000 I want him to fall apart trying to keep up, though.

02:23:54.000 Yeah, well, how's Mickey Mantle doing now?

02:23:56.000 He's not good.

02:23:57.000 He's not good.

02:23:57.000 I just did all my measurements, my pre-sober October measurements.

02:24:01.000 Not good, Ari.

02:24:02.000 What do you weigh right now?

02:24:03.000 246. He's dead.

02:24:05.000 That guy's dead.

02:24:06.000 246, chest 48, belly 44, waist 44, and then calves and biceps are 16, 18. What were you at the end of the weight loss challenge?

02:24:20.000 222 maybe?

02:24:21.000 Wow.

02:24:22.000 I was 216 at the end of Sober October last year.

02:24:24.000 Wow.

02:24:25.000 Yeah, I'm going back.

02:24:26.000 I'm getting back.

02:24:27.000 I'm telling you, right now I have motivation.

02:24:29.000 I want that belt.

02:24:30.000 I want that belt.

02:24:31.000 And I'm not going to pay for anything. 0.99

02:24:32.000 And I want to see the look on your face when you look at some of my numbers and you're like, what the fuck is he doing? 0.99

02:24:39.000 He's cheating. 1.00

02:24:40.000 He's cheating.

02:24:41.000 He's putting it on his dog.

02:24:42.000 Good luck with that. 1.00

02:24:45.000 This is my wheelhouse, motherfucker. 1.00

02:24:47.000 No, I know! 1.00

02:24:47.000 This is my wheelhouse. 1.00

02:24:49.000 I'm excited.

02:24:51.000 I'm excited.

02:24:52.000 I'm so excited.

02:24:54.000 This is not my wheelhouse.

02:24:55.000 Oh, I'm so excited.

02:24:56.000 Dude, I'm having a hard time just taking a swimmer.

02:24:58.000 I want to see if I can get 500 a day.

02:25:00.000 I want to see if I can hit 500 a day every day.

02:25:05.000 I'm just going to do different things every day. 0.99

02:25:07.000 And I'm going to power fuck. 1.00

02:25:09.000 I'm going to wear it while I fuck. 1.00

02:25:11.000 I'm going to be... 1.00

02:25:12.000 This is the tortoise and the hare.

02:25:16.000 I'm just going to try to tortoise my way through this month.

02:25:18.000 Yeah.

02:25:19.000 100 minutes at 100% maximum heart rate is 400 points.

02:25:24.000 Is that right?

02:25:25.000 Is that what it is?

02:25:26.000 Okay.

02:25:27.000 Is that how it works?

02:25:28.000 It's four points a minute. 0.99

02:25:29.000 I don't know, but I had the shit pegged. 0.99

02:25:31.000 I was at 97% for a half an hour. 0.99

02:25:35.000 Jesus.

02:25:36.000 I'm going to get none of that.

02:25:38.000 You are.

02:25:39.000 Just do it.

02:25:41.000 I'll try, but they tell me something to facility code.

02:25:43.000 I'll be just saying, got the thing. 0.99

02:25:45.000 Just go fucking crazy, Ari. 1.00

02:25:47.000 Teared punishment, one event we all can agree on. 1.00

02:25:50.000 Correct, Ari?

02:25:51.000 Single day, most points.

02:25:53.000 Suit, and we can add humiliation per, meaning if we come up with something during the month that we all think's hilarious, text it to each other, we put it out on social media, and we hold ourselves to that, too.

02:26:04.000 Yeah, this is what we'll do.

02:26:05.000 You guys don't think it's going to be anticlimactic to do this bet and then have nine months later No!

02:26:10.000 No, because there'll be a belt.

02:26:12.000 If Burt wins, we'll never hear the end of it. 0.99

02:26:14.000 That belt will be on the shelf in front of every fucking Instagram video he makes. 0.98

02:26:20.000 He'll be like, hey, you guys might know me. 0.98

02:26:22.000 I'm Burt Kreischer, Sober October champion, or like I like to call it, Sober October.

02:26:33.000 My motivation is all murder and death, and his motivation is all just going to be like Instagram stories.

02:26:40.000 Burt, why are you scared of begging for money?

02:26:42.000 I'd be amazing at that, Ari.

02:26:45.000 I remember I barked at the Boston Comedy Club, and that's my wheelhouse is talking to strangers.

02:26:49.000 You know that.

02:26:51.000 It's true.

02:26:52.000 So why will you not do it?

02:26:54.000 I would do it in a heartbeat.

02:26:55.000 I would do that for a video.

02:26:56.000 I don't care about begging for money.

02:26:58.000 I don't think he finds it enticing.

02:27:03.000 I get it.

02:27:04.000 Okay.

02:27:05.000 We'll figure it out.

02:27:06.000 We'll figure the tiered structure.

02:27:08.000 We'll make it so that second place doesn't play as much as third place.

02:27:11.000 It doesn't play as much as fourth place.

02:27:12.000 Is there any way we can beat Joe Rogan?

02:27:14.000 How would that be possible?

02:27:16.000 I'm definitely going for that.

02:27:18.000 By the way, Joe just made eye contact with me and I averted my eyes. 0.88

02:27:23.000 He looked at me like, are you being fucking serious? 0.56

02:27:25.000 I'm so excited about this. 0.98

02:27:28.000 Joe's going to laugh.

02:27:29.000 I very first believe he's going to laugh.

02:27:31.000 Probably two of us.

02:27:32.000 Maybe three.

02:27:37.000 I might take the whole month off comedy.

02:27:41.000 I might work out day and night.

02:27:44.000 I might just want to see what my body can do.

02:27:46.000 I might just go really crazy.

02:27:50.000 See what happens.

02:27:51.000 I got a lot of machines here too.

02:27:53.000 I'm the only one of us that has a full gym.

02:27:56.000 Yeah.

02:27:58.000 You can come over here anytime you like, fella.

02:28:00.000 Are you talking to Ari or me?

02:28:01.000 You can too.

02:28:02.000 Yeah?

02:28:03.000 Yeah, you can use my gym. 1.00

02:28:04.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:28:04.000 I don't know how to use half those machines. 1.00

02:28:06.000 I'll show you how.

02:28:07.000 I'll work out with you.

02:28:08.000 We can work out together.

02:28:08.000 I was actually thinking of taking my treadmill and dropping it off here.

02:28:11.000 It'd actually be fun to work out together.

02:28:12.000 We can make videos.

02:28:13.000 Yeah.

02:28:13.000 Let's do it.

02:28:14.000 Alright, let's do a workout there. 0.99

02:28:14.000 You've got like a butter churner that you can use. 0.99

02:28:17.000 Ah, butter churner. 1.00

02:28:20.000 Either way, when it's over, we're getting fucked up. 0.97

02:28:25.000 So are you going to be around at all any time in November, Ari? 0.97

02:28:28.000 November 5th, he said.

02:28:30.000 5th?

02:28:30.000 Yeah, November 6th we can do that.

02:28:32.000 6th?

02:28:33.000 Okay.

02:28:33.000 5th or 6th, he said.

02:28:34.000 I think 5th works for everyone.

02:28:36.000 I'm there.

02:28:37.000 4th, 5th, 6th, I think.

02:28:38.000 But yeah, whatever that date is, it works for all of us.

02:28:40.000 Which one works for everybody?

02:28:41.000 5th.

02:28:42.000 I think we all texted.

02:28:43.000 It's either the 5th or the 6th.

02:28:44.000 I think 5th works better for Tommy.

02:28:46.000 Okay.

02:28:46.000 That works for me, man.

02:28:49.000 The 5th is perfect.

02:28:50.000 5th or the 6th, either one.

02:28:52.000 Oh no, the 6th, I've got a show I have to do the 6th at night at 5 o'clock.

02:28:57.000 There's a television show I've got to do, but I can do the 5th.

02:29:00.000 I think the 5th works better for Tommy.

02:29:04.000 Alright, we'll do the 5th. 0.99

02:29:06.000 So the 5th will get fucking plowed. 0.97

02:29:08.000 We're going to bring in a... 0.99

02:29:09.000 I'm going to get a kegerator. 0.64

02:29:11.000 Ooh.

02:29:11.000 Yeah.

02:29:12.000 We'll get Kegs, Tito's.

02:29:15.000 What do you need, Ari, for the fifth?

02:29:17.000 We'll get it in advance.

02:29:21.000 You like whiskey, right?

02:29:23.000 Yeah, I love whiskey.

02:29:25.000 Pappy Van Winkle.

02:29:26.000 What's your favorite bourbon?

02:29:27.000 Text me your favorite bourbon. 1.00

02:29:28.000 We'll get a fucking case of it. 1.00

02:29:31.000 Uber drivers? 1.00

02:29:33.000 That's good.

02:29:34.000 Wait, no.

02:29:35.000 Who can't do the fifth?

02:29:37.000 Tom can't do the fifth.

02:29:38.000 No, Tom can.

02:29:42.000 The 5th works better for everyone.

02:29:43.000 The 5th is everybody.

02:29:44.000 So Sober October, the 5th will be the celebration day.

02:29:48.000 And then the day where hopefully...

02:29:50.000 No, Tom flies back on the 5th. 0.98

02:29:52.000 Yeah, so when he flies back, we'll get him fucked up as soon as he lands. 0.99

02:29:55.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:29:55.000 Oh, okay. 0.99

02:29:56.000 That works.

02:29:58.000 This is going to be awesome.

02:29:59.000 That works.

02:30:00.000 Alright, I've got to plug this in.

02:30:01.000 They still have an email, but I'm sure they will.

02:30:03.000 I'm going to go charge mine right now and then go put in another workout.

02:30:05.000 They'll email you immediately.

02:30:07.000 And if you need...

02:30:09.000 All they do is send a guy No, did you send it to the support, the email that I just sent in the text message?

02:30:16.000 Yeah, that's what was on the thing.

02:30:19.000 They didn't send it?

02:30:20.000 Well, they'll send it to you quickly.

02:30:24.000 They're gonna hear about this.

02:30:25.000 First of all, they're gonna hear about this, so they're probably gonna email you quicker.

02:30:29.000 But if you have any ideas about the design of the belt, feel free to chime in there, too.

02:30:35.000 Because we gotta order that soon, because it takes like three to four weeks. 0.98

02:30:39.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

02:30:40.000 Okay. 1.00

02:30:42.000 Yeah.

02:30:42.000 I think it would be cool to have each of our faces as one of the side things with our thing that is hardest.

02:30:49.000 Like, you have a joint in your mouth.

02:30:50.000 I have a Tito's in my face. 1.00

02:30:53.000 Ari has a dick in his mouth. 1.00

02:30:54.000 And Tom has a piece of cake. 1.00

02:30:59.000 We'll figure it out.

02:31:01.000 All right, Ari, we'll figure it out.

02:31:04.000 Alright, guys.

02:31:05.000 Love you, bye.

02:31:06.000 Love you, bye.

02:31:07.000 Nice. 0.84

02:31:09.000 I'm so fucking excited for this.

02:31:11.000 Dude, I need these things in my life for some reason. 0.92

02:31:14.000 I can't motivate unless I have a goal.

02:31:16.000 It's serious motivation.

02:31:17.000 I was a little skeptical when I first thought about this, but then in using the app, while you're using the app, it's showing you your actual numbers while you're doing it.

02:31:27.000 And when you're in the middle of it, you're seeing the actual numbers take place.

02:31:33.000 Really?

02:31:33.000 Did you accept my friend request?

02:31:35.000 I didn't know if I got it.

02:31:36.000 I have no notifications on.

02:31:38.000 I just requested you and Tom.

02:31:39.000 Okay, I'll go in there and look for it.

02:31:41.000 Should we accept other people?

02:31:42.000 No.

02:31:43.000 No?

02:31:43.000 Just the three of us?

02:31:44.000 Four of us?

02:31:44.000 Do you want to live your life like that?

02:31:45.000 I don't know.

02:31:47.000 Yeah, kind of.

02:31:50.000 This is going to be fun, man.

02:31:52.000 This is going to be really fun.

02:31:52.000 This is going to be a good one.

02:31:53.000 I wonder how much weight we're going to lose.

02:31:55.000 I'm like 197, 198 right now.

02:31:58.000 I think I'm going to get down below 190. Do body measurements.

02:32:00.000 Because I think that's...

02:32:01.000 I did chest across the nipples, belly across the belly button, waist, and then biceps, calves, and thighs.

02:32:09.000 I'll tell you all my exact measurements right now.

02:32:11.000 I think I was accurate.

02:32:12.000 My blood pressure today was...

02:32:14.000 My doctor was calling about my blood pressure today to figure out...

02:32:17.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:32:17.000 Well, no, because when I do so in October, it goes so low.

02:32:20.000 Is that bad?

02:32:21.000 No, it's good, but I'm on medication.

02:32:22.000 He wants to kind of watch my medication so that if I... What are you on?

02:32:27.000 Losartan and loraz or some other thing.

02:32:29.000 Jesus. 1.00

02:32:30.000 Why are you on that shit? 1.00

02:32:31.000 Because I have high blood pressure. 1.00

02:32:34.000 129 over 95 was it today.

02:32:36.000 But is that a natural thing that you have high blood pressure or is it because of drinking?

02:32:39.000 I think it's probably lifestyle induced.

02:32:41.000 I think it's from being overweight and probably from drinking, but...

02:32:46.000 It's not bad.

02:32:47.000 Yeah, but they got you on pills?

02:32:48.000 Yeah.

02:32:49.000 That's not good.

02:32:50.000 Yeah, but it's better than a stroke.

02:32:52.000 Like, I think me being proactive and seeing a cardiologist these past five years has been the best thing that ever happened to me.

02:32:59.000 Right.

02:33:00.000 There are significant side effects to a lot of those things.

02:33:03.000 Really?

02:33:04.000 Yeah, you've got to look into that stuff.

02:33:05.000 I'd like to get off the pills altogether.

02:33:07.000 I'd love it if you did.

02:33:08.000 I'd like to get down.

02:33:09.000 I would like to.

02:33:09.000 I mean, we talked about it jokingly, but I'd like to get below 205. You can do it.

02:33:13.000 And keep it there.

02:33:14.000 Listen, man, when you got to 220, or you got to 216, you said, at the end of Sober October, what's to stop you from losing 11 more pounds?

02:33:22.000 You could do that.

02:33:24.000 Think about what fighters do.

02:33:26.000 How about my friend Cam Haynes, when he was getting down to run 240 miles, he wanted to get down to 169 or below.

02:33:32.000 So you know what he did?

02:33:34.000 He ate 2,000 calories, burned off three.

02:33:37.000 Just kept doing it every day.

02:33:39.000 So anytime people say they can't lose weight, I go, oh, you can.

02:33:42.000 You just got to be willing to do what the people that actually lose weight do.

02:33:46.000 You're hungry all the time.

02:33:47.000 Losing weight's hard.

02:33:50.000 How I lose weight is not the healthy way.

02:33:55.000 You crash. 1.00

02:33:55.000 I go, fuck it, let's drop calories below a thousand. 1.00

02:33:58.000 Right. 1.00

02:33:58.000 And then try to burn three. 1.00

02:34:00.000 You can't do that because we actually discussed this on a podcast very recently.

02:34:03.000 The problem is your metabolism crashes as well and your body goes into this famine mode and it wants to protect calories.

02:34:09.000 So anything you do eat, you gain back much quicker and then it's far more difficult for you to lose again because your body has a mechanism in place to protect yourself.

02:34:17.000 Yeah.

02:34:17.000 Because your body thinks it's, you know, we have to hold on to these calories.

02:34:21.000 It slows you down.

02:34:23.000 We were talking like one of the guys, Lane Norton, he was involved in bodybuilding and he was saying that his blinking was slower.

02:34:31.000 He was blinking slower because, you know, he's shredding, getting down to like low body weight.

02:34:37.000 Yeah.

02:34:38.000 His metabolism crashed so hard that he was literally blinking and thinking slower.

02:34:43.000 And thinking is, for you, for a comic, it's terrible!

02:34:46.000 To be thinking slower when you're on stage is the last thing you want, you know? 1.00

02:34:51.000 If you just work out like a fucking maniac and eat healthy, just cut out the sugar and the fat and all the bullshit, your body will slim down. 1.00

02:34:58.000 I'm just going to go clean. 1.00

02:34:59.000 I had a nutritionist talk me through how to eat.

02:35:03.000 What did they say?

02:35:04.000 Well, here's the thing I always had a problem with.

02:35:06.000 She was like, you need to eat before you work out.

02:35:08.000 You need a little bit of boat meal.

02:35:09.000 You need some energy for your workout.

02:35:11.000 You don't necessarily.

02:35:12.000 I fast cardio all the time.

02:35:14.000 Well, that's why I've been doing the 16-hour fast.

02:35:17.000 She might be old school. 0.74

02:35:18.000 There's a lot of people that are...

02:35:19.000 Nutrition and the science behind athletic performance has changed so much over the last 5-10 years.

02:35:27.000 Just talking to some random nutritionist might not be the best person to talk to.

02:35:31.000 They might not be...

02:35:32.000 I don't want to say because I don't know her, but she might not be on the ball.

02:35:36.000 I feel like I had so much information, especially when you listen to this podcast.

02:35:41.000 You get so much information.

02:35:43.000 Zach Bitter's like, you've got to go fatty meats.

02:35:46.000 And then you hear Jordan Peterson's daughter saying that.

02:35:50.000 And then you go, oh no.

02:35:52.000 Very specific situation.

02:35:53.000 She has severe autoimmune issues.

02:35:56.000 Severe.

02:35:57.000 She's most likely, according to other nutritionists that I've talked to, she's probably got some gut bacteria issue that she needs to get her gut biome sorted out. 1.00

02:36:07.000 It's all so above my pay grade, quite honestly.

02:36:10.000 I mean, I get interested in this stuff and I talk about it and there's some things that I can say with a certain amount of certainty, but not Really what you should and shouldn't do in terms of each individual person in their diet.

02:36:20.000 I would say, if I was you, what I would get down to is I would say definitely start eating a lot of vegetables.

02:36:27.000 That's pretty much universal. 0.61

02:36:29.000 Everybody agrees, except these crazy carnivore people. 0.99

02:36:31.000 But I think their situation is like either an elimination diet or a calorie-restricted diet, which is not really the best for performance, I don't think, for the kind of shit you're trying to do. 0.99

02:36:40.000 Yeah. 0.70

02:36:41.000 I think broccoli, kale, spinach, all that stuff sautéed, all that stuff's fantastic for you.

02:36:47.000 Then on top of that, I mean, obviously I eat red meat.

02:36:50.000 I'm a big fan of red meat.

02:36:52.000 I think you should eat just like very nutrient-dense meat.

02:36:56.000 And I think you should take multivitamins just to cover all your bases.

02:37:00.000 You know, there's a bunch of like really good green supplements that you can add to water or, you know, little packets you can take.

02:37:07.000 Do you count your calories?

02:37:08.000 No.

02:37:08.000 So you just eat until you're full?

02:37:10.000 Yeah.

02:37:11.000 Really?

02:37:11.000 Yeah.

02:37:12.000 How many calories do you think you eat a day?

02:37:13.000 I really don't know.

02:37:15.000 If you had to guess, elk is pretty lean.

02:37:17.000 Yeah, it's pretty lean.

02:37:18.000 And it looks like you're eating maybe eight ounces of elk?

02:37:22.000 I probably eat a pound of that a day, for sure.

02:37:25.000 At least.

02:37:26.000 Yeah.

02:37:26.000 I mean, you shoot one, you have 400 pounds of meat.

02:37:29.000 I have some for you if you want.

02:37:30.000 I definitely do.

02:37:31.000 I got a bunch of sausage.

02:37:32.000 Elk sausage is sensational.

02:37:34.000 Really?

02:37:34.000 You love it.

02:37:35.000 You love it.

02:37:36.000 Oh, yeah.

02:37:36.000 I got a ton of it, man.

02:37:37.000 I'm definitely up for that, yeah.

02:37:38.000 Okay.

02:37:38.000 I got a bunch in the back.

02:37:39.000 Okay.

02:37:40.000 I got these freezer bags, too, you can take it home with.

02:37:43.000 I would say just cut out the sugar in the bread and the pasta.

02:37:47.000 And if you just do that, you'll lose a ton of weight.

02:37:49.000 You lose a ton of weight just doing that. 0.74

02:37:52.000 I mean, this one's going to be fucking awesome. 0.83

02:37:54.000 Yeah, man, just vegetables. 0.98

02:37:56.000 Get yourself a fucking big bowl of broccolini and cook it with butter and olive oil and put garlic salt on it. 0.98

02:38:03.000 It's healthy. 0.99

02:38:04.000 It feels good when you eat it.

02:38:06.000 Your body responds well to it.

02:38:10.000 Only good nutrients, man.

02:38:11.000 And just realize you're going to have to get a lot of rest and you're going to have to drink a shit ton of water because you're going to have to be keeping up with some terrifying numbers.

02:38:20.000 Terrifying.

02:38:22.000 We're going hard this month, Burt Christy.

02:38:24.000 31 days, man.

02:38:26.000 31 days.

02:38:29.000 Yeah, the end, Ben. 0.97

02:38:30.000 Oh, I'm gonna fucking look amazing. 0.99

02:38:33.000 You're gonna be jacked and shredded. 0.99

02:38:34.000 You're gonna be like Skinny Burt, like from that photo. 0.93

02:38:36.000 Maybe I'll do TRT. Dude, if you win, do you know how...

02:38:40.000 You should do TRT. Would you ever get your hormones tested? 0.96

02:38:43.000 You should get them tested.

02:38:44.000 Just to find out where you're at.

02:38:45.000 It'll help everything.

02:38:46.000 Helps your immune system, helps your energy levels.

02:38:49.000 Really?

02:38:49.000 Helps your concentration.

02:38:51.000 Yeah, it's literally a cognitive enhancing...

02:38:52.000 So you just have like a place you can get TRT done?

02:38:54.000 Yeah, well you don't...

02:38:54.000 You gotta do it...

02:38:55.000 Look at that picture!

02:38:57.000 Yeah, that's my 40th birthday. 1.00

02:38:58.000 Damn. 0.99

02:38:58.000 That was on my 40th birthday. 0.99

02:38:59.000 Look at that slender face.

02:39:01.000 See, right there, you are like five pounds from being shredded.

02:39:05.000 If you were right there and you lost five pounds, you'd have a six pack.

02:39:08.000 I did that.

02:39:09.000 You're like at the cusp.

02:39:10.000 I lost that weight in 19 days.

02:39:12.000 Wow. 1.00

02:39:13.000 See, the problem is when you do that, the yo-yo, you're crap. 0.98

02:39:17.000 Why is a picture of me shirtless right under Bert's picture shirtless? 0.94

02:39:21.000 That's for me when I was like 26. Oh my god.

02:39:26.000 It's me on news radio.

02:39:27.000 Maybe I was 27?

02:39:29.000 Look at you. 1.00

02:39:30.000 Sexy bitch. 1.00

02:39:35.000 So, yeah, the problem is losing the weight like that. 0.99

02:39:38.000 When you crash, the problem with the crash is, see, if you lose the weight over the month because you're just burning it off like a madman, but you're eating a lot, your body's not going to be in famine mode.

02:39:49.000 Your body's just going to be more efficient.

02:39:51.000 It's going to need more calories, and you definitely should lift weights.

02:39:54.000 That's one thing you should do over this month.

02:39:55.000 And lifting weights will also add to this.

02:39:57.000 My plan is lifting weights, kickboxing, running hills, yoga...

02:40:04.000 And then various cardio machines from the VersaClimber to the Rower to the Echo Bike.

02:40:09.000 I'm going to rotate them all so I can keep doing all of them.

02:40:12.000 Yeah.

02:40:12.000 So I can do different ones.

02:40:13.000 I got the Rower in my house.

02:40:14.000 I got the Assault Air Fitness Trainer.

02:40:16.000 Don't deny yourself any food though. 1.00

02:40:18.000 Just fucking pound food. 0.99

02:40:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:40:20.000 Just pound food all the time because you're just going to be so hungry. 1.00

02:40:24.000 All right.

02:40:25.000 And I think, yeah, if I do two a days.

02:40:31.000 And just go, I know what I got to get a day.

02:40:33.000 Yeah.

02:40:34.000 That's it.

02:40:35.000 Just keep going.

02:40:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:40:37.000 This is going to be fucking great. 0.98

02:40:39.000 This is going to be great for all of us. 0.99

02:40:40.000 I was thinking about that today when I was working out.

02:40:43.000 I was like, wow.

02:40:45.000 When you're looking at the numbers on that thing, it's very motivational.

02:40:49.000 It's funny, before when I was in college I ran and what was really fun, they used to have these runner's journals, is to get done your run and write them in.

02:40:57.000 Like tracking your fitness, tracking your workout, it's really fun to look at numbers and stack up.

02:41:03.000 It's almost like it feels like a hoarder's vibe or like an OCD vibe.

02:41:09.000 Yeah, it's definitely better when it's on this app than it is if you just know you worked out.

02:41:14.000 Yeah.

02:41:14.000 When Fitbit first came out, I had to get to 12,000 steps every day, and I would land from a flight, get up to my hotel room, open a bottle of wine, and just start dancing.

02:41:26.000 Fucking weird as fuck. 0.99

02:41:29.000 Like, if someone came and complained, they would think I was all meth. 1.00

02:41:32.000 Yeah, it feels good.

02:41:34.000 It feels good to set goals.

02:41:35.000 But I always tell people, like, one of the best ways to get things done is to write things down.

02:41:40.000 It's such a huge motivating factor. 0.99

02:41:42.000 Like, you have a list of shit that you have to do today and check those bitches off. 1.00

02:41:46.000 And then at the end of the day, you feel good. 1.00

02:41:48.000 Like, you go to bed, you feel good.

02:41:50.000 I checked off all those things on my list.

02:41:52.000 I'm better now.

02:41:52.000 I feel better than I was before.

02:41:54.000 Yeah.

02:41:54.000 My wife's a big list maker.

02:41:56.000 Huge.

02:41:57.000 When you make a list, it really does organize your day. 0.99

02:42:00.000 When I was shooting the promo thing for my tour next week, and I shot it this weekend in San Jose, and I was like, I had all these different things I needed to do, and my wife's like, make a fucking list. 0.97

02:42:11.000 And I went, oh yeah.

02:42:13.000 So I wrote down all the shots I needed that I felt like I didn't get the night before, and then just banged it out. 0.99

02:42:18.000 I was like, wow, that was fucking easy as shit. 0.97

02:42:20.000 Yeah, it's so much better than trying to remember what else do I need to do, and then like half-assing it. 0.98

02:42:26.000 You know what you did that's very impressive? 0.68

02:42:28.000 You came up with a new hour pretty fucking quick. 0.93

02:42:31.000 How long did it take you to come up with a new hour? 0.99

02:42:34.000 I came up with it, I don't know, maybe like February, March, April, May, June.

02:42:42.000 Six months?

02:42:43.000 What did you do to ramp up your writing?

02:42:46.000 Super aware.

02:42:47.000 So my biggest thing for me, which I think held me back, and I've talked about this a lot, maybe a lot, but when you were in production brain, you didn't have room for comedy brain.

02:42:57.000 Like when I was making a TV show, I never didn't have the room for comedy.

02:43:00.000 And so I might be obsessed with a bolster.

02:43:02.000 There might be something wrong with me, but when I'm in comedy brain, which is when I'm doing a special, it's focused on only that material.

02:43:09.000 Like only that material.

02:43:10.000 But when I've done the special, I just went up and was like, here, it was the most enjoyable time of my life.

02:43:16.000 It's like everything was a bit.

02:43:18.000 Just walking around, I was looking for things and just being inspired by the littlest thing. 0.90

02:43:22.000 Even to this day, it's part of the reason I like to go over to New York and do podcasts and fuck around. 0.92

02:43:27.000 I was on Anthony Cumia's podcast.

02:43:29.000 I came up with two bits in the moment.

02:43:30.000 That I was like, dude, those are great.

02:43:32.000 Those are going in.

02:43:32.000 It's just a new environment, a new feeling.

02:43:35.000 Your brain's firing.

02:43:36.000 And not denying myself the opportunity of a bit. 0.98

02:43:39.000 Because a bit is silly or goofy or hacky, in my head I go, that's okay.

02:43:43.000 Let's keep working that. 0.90

02:43:45.000 Right.

02:43:45.000 And so I have...

02:43:46.000 Right now I have like 55 minutes that...

02:43:50.000 That I feel is really solid, but the goal now, so like we were talking, Tom was talking about untangling it, is like weaving it in so that one bit follows the other one.

02:43:59.000 So right now I'm playing with these bits, putting them in different places, trying to figure out...

02:44:04.000 What could follow what bit?

02:44:05.000 That's the funnest part, also.

02:44:08.000 Right.

02:44:08.000 And then once I do that, and once I know when I'm doing my next special, that's when it almost becomes less fun for me.

02:44:14.000 It's like, I don't want to go to the store because I don't want to write new bits. 0.99

02:44:18.000 But like in the salad days when you're just all writing, I love that shit. 0.95

02:44:22.000 Just going up on stage and going in LA and be like, I bought a gun, and just going, just feeling the energy and being like, oh, I'm in it. 0.99

02:44:29.000 I don't know where this is going.

02:44:30.000 I could lose them.

02:44:31.000 Right, right, right.

02:44:32.000 No, I'm joking.

02:44:33.000 I went and bought a gun because I thought it might be a good bit.

02:44:36.000 I went and said...

02:44:38.000 Did you say that on stage?

02:44:39.000 No.

02:44:40.000 That should be part of the bit.

02:44:41.000 Are you serious?

02:44:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:44:43.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:44:43.000 Fucking done. 1.00

02:44:44.000 I bought a gun because I thought it would be a good bit. 0.99

02:44:46.000 I was driving down Burbank, and I was like, all this gun talk, and I was like, I don't have any gun material.

02:44:50.000 I was like, I should buy a gun.

02:44:52.000 You should have a real gun nut on your podcast to talk to you about guns.

02:44:56.000 I should.

02:44:57.000 You know what you should get?

02:44:58.000 Get on Coleen Noir.

02:45:00.000 I did that guy.

02:45:00.000 I follow that guy on YouTube.

02:45:02.000 He was on my podcast.

02:45:03.000 He's a good guy.

02:45:04.000 Yeah, he's great.

02:45:05.000 He happens to be black. 1.00

02:45:07.000 Fucking... 1.00

02:45:07.000 I'm gonna be like the progressive guy that makes it seem like there's something wrong that you're pointing it out. 1.00

02:45:11.000 Yes, he happens to be an African-American.

02:45:13.000 No, but in that culture...

02:45:14.000 I don't know why you have to bring it up.

02:45:15.000 In that culture, that is so interesting that they...

02:45:17.000 It's almost like...

02:45:18.000 Like when he had Mr. Mike on?

02:45:22.000 Magic Mike?

02:45:23.000 Not Magic Mike.

02:45:24.000 Killer Mike?

02:45:24.000 Killer Mike on?

02:45:25.000 Yeah.

02:45:25.000 It was really cool to hear their...

02:45:26.000 Mr. Mike.

02:45:27.000 Magic Mike.

02:45:29.000 Not white guy, Mike?

02:45:32.000 It was cool to hear their perspective on it.

02:45:34.000 Culturally, you always see the NRA come from this white, redneck theme.

02:45:39.000 He makes real good points.

02:45:42.000 Wasn't he a lawyer?

02:45:43.000 He was a lawyer, right?

02:45:45.000 I'm pretty sure he's a lawyer.

02:45:46.000 I think he was, yeah.

02:45:47.000 But he makes really good points in terms of personal safety and responsibility. 0.90

02:45:51.000 The thing about people who equate NRA with mass shootings and all kinds of other crazy shit, which is not really totally fair because no NRA member has ever committed a mass shooting. 0.82

02:46:01.000 Whenever something happens, they think, oh, this is all because these people want other people to have access to these kind of guns. 0.89

02:46:08.000 That's...

02:46:10.000 The real connection, as always, in ad nauseum, I've talked about this too much, is psychotropic drugs.

02:46:16.000 Those people are almost all on some sort of psych medicine.

02:46:18.000 All of them.

02:46:19.000 Is it causation or correlation?

02:46:22.000 That's the problem.

02:46:23.000 Is the psychotropic drugs causing them to do this, or are they on psychotropic drugs because they're crazy and they shouldn't have a gun anyway and it should be more difficult?

02:46:33.000 I'm 100%...

02:46:35.000 In belief that you should test people and that there should be some sort of standards in terms of mental health, in terms of whether or not you've committed assault, whether or not like those kind of things, whether or not you have a history of mental illness, whether or not you have a history of lashing out or violent outbursts.

02:46:51.000 Yeah, those kind of people shouldn't have guns.

02:46:53.000 The kind of people that think everybody should have access to a gun, I think that's a little irresponsible.

02:46:57.000 But the kind of people that think no one should have a gun, I think that's irresponsible too.

02:47:02.000 That's crazy talk.

02:47:03.000 I mean, it's not going to happen in our country.

02:47:05.000 No, not in this one.

02:47:06.000 No.

02:47:07.000 But you should have him on, man.

02:47:08.000 Or there's other gun nuts I could turn you on to.

02:47:11.000 My friend Justin's a legit gun nut.

02:47:13.000 I don't know if you've ever met him.

02:47:14.000 Justin Collett.

02:47:15.000 He's been on my podcast before.

02:47:17.000 He's a legit giant.

02:47:18.000 He's like seven feet tall.

02:47:19.000 But he's a real gun nut.

02:47:21.000 He lives in Vegas.

02:47:23.000 He has so many guns, he doesn't know how many guns he has.

02:47:25.000 How many guns do you have?

02:47:26.000 Oh, no, no.

02:47:26.000 I'm thinking of the fighter Frank Mir is a big gun guy.

02:47:30.000 He's a giant gun guy.

02:47:31.000 Frank Mir's strapped everywhere he goes. 1.00

02:47:34.000 He's got one in his ankle, one up his ass. 0.99

02:47:36.000 Frank Mir's a really interesting guy. 0.99

02:47:38.000 Smart dude.

02:47:40.000 There's something about cage fighters...

02:47:43.000 Where they're very direct, and they say what they mean, and they mean what they say.

02:47:49.000 Tate was the first person that I ever ran into that was like that.

02:47:52.000 He texted me, and I didn't text back, and he texted again, and then he texted, hey man, I'm starting to get feelings about this.

02:47:59.000 Text me back.

02:48:01.000 And then I was like, oh yeah, Frank Mir said, he came to my podcast and we had a cigar while we were doing the podcast.

02:48:05.000 And he just, it's like, I'm such in, maybe I'm such in this weird bullshit Hollywood world where people don't mean what they say that I'm used to that.

02:48:13.000 And he goes, that was a really great cigar.

02:48:15.000 We should do this.

02:48:16.000 We should have another one.

02:48:17.000 I was like, okay.

02:48:17.000 And he's like, well, what are you doing at like eight tonight?

02:48:19.000 And I was like...

02:48:21.000 I'm here, and he's like, I'm gonna go do a podcast, and we'll have another cigar.

02:48:23.000 And I was like, oh, okay, yeah, sure.

02:48:24.000 I didn't think I'd ever see him again.

02:48:25.000 He showed back up at 7.55.

02:48:27.000 He was like, you ready for that cigar?

02:48:28.000 And we went to my backyard, and we smoked another cigar, and just talked. 0.99

02:48:31.000 And I was like, he fucking... 0.98

02:48:32.000 Isn't that funny that being sincere is an oddity? 0.99

02:48:35.000 Yeah.

02:48:37.000 It's the world of acting.

02:48:39.000 That's what it is.

02:48:40.000 You know, around the world of auditions, and actors, and producers, and execs.

02:48:45.000 This is a strange land we live in, man.

02:48:49.000 This right here. 0.99

02:48:49.000 This shit happens in other places, but it just is very prevalent here. 0.99

02:48:53.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:48:54.000 Like where people just aren't genuine and they're not honest.

02:48:57.000 But this is like people just lick their finger and stick it out in the wind and try to figure out which way the wind's blowing and that's the way they go.

02:49:04.000 Because everybody just wants everybody to like them out here because everyone's auditioning for things.

02:49:08.000 It's just such a strange place, man.

02:49:11.000 I saw my buddy Eddie is like a man, you know, a Cuban from Florida.

02:49:16.000 He'll fist fight, he's just a regular guy.

02:49:19.000 An actual man.

02:49:20.000 An actual man.

02:49:21.000 And he came out, the first time he came out, there was a comic, I won't say his name, who was holding court at the Hollywood Improv, and he was making fun of me.

02:49:29.000 Like, as the joke, everyone was laughing, and I was laughing.

02:49:32.000 And my buddy Eddie just kind of looked sideways, and we got in the car, and he goes, why'd you let that happen?

02:49:38.000 I go, well, he's super famous.

02:49:40.000 I mean, you know, it's like, whatever.

02:49:41.000 He goes, nah, man.

02:49:43.000 Nah, he's smaller than you. 1.00

02:49:44.000 Why don't you just fucking knock him out? 1.00

02:49:46.000 And I go, that's not how it works out here. 0.99

02:49:48.000 He goes, yeah, it is.

02:49:49.000 Yeah, it is.

02:49:49.000 It does.

02:49:50.000 Let him say that shit to me. 1.00

02:49:51.000 That's how it works. 1.00

02:49:52.000 I go, no, Eddie, you gotta understand.

02:49:54.000 He's smaller than you.

02:49:54.000 Why does he just knock about?

02:49:56.000 And he's like, dude, I don't like that disrespectful shit. 0.99

02:49:59.000 I was like, well, no, it's different out here, Eddie. 0.99

02:50:01.000 He goes, no, it's not.

02:50:02.000 It's different because you're letting it be different.

02:50:04.000 Well, it depends on how close you are with the guy.

02:50:06.000 Because if you're really close with the guy, and he's saying funny things, and you think they're funny, and you're laughing sincerely, like, we bust on each other all the time.

02:50:16.000 Yeah.

02:50:16.000 But it's not disrespectful.

02:50:17.000 It's just hilarious.

02:50:19.000 It's just, I think it's, I think everyone knows that we're all close friends, and that's our, it's our language. 0.97

02:50:24.000 But there are people who are not your close friends, who's like, look at Bert over there with blah, blah, blah, and then they'll start fucking with you, and it gets a little slippery and Gross. 0.98

02:50:33.000 Especially, it's narcissism. 0.99

02:50:35.000 It's guys who think they'll alpha you.

02:50:39.000 Yeah.

02:50:40.000 And it's funny, I definitely have changed from that.

02:50:44.000 When you're young and you're hungry in this business and you want to succeed, you don't want to tell a famous guy that might be able to give you work, hey man, don't talk to me like that, because then you almost blackball yourself.

02:50:53.000 Right.

02:50:53.000 Well, you've had some bad experiences.

02:50:55.000 We don't need to mention any names, but you've had some bad experiences with a particular comedian that was like that, where we've talked about it. 0.92

02:51:03.000 There's mentally ill people that are in this business, too. 0.92

02:51:08.000 There's that. 0.97

02:51:09.000 It's tough.

02:51:11.000 I feel like sometimes I draw them in.

02:51:14.000 I talk to Stanhope about that.

02:51:16.000 Because you're so nice.

02:51:17.000 Yeah, and I'll say this about myself. 0.99

02:51:20.000 I'm very creative and I like to fuck around. 0.99

02:51:22.000 And I think some people see that as a weakness. 0.98

02:51:25.000 There's someone that I'm told you privately that stole from me that was a friend separate.

02:51:32.000 And it...

02:51:34.000 I, man, that fucking makes me angry because I go, I remember when it happened and I'd already dealt with something else that was similar to that. 0.96

02:51:40.000 I remember I was at my wife's lake house when someone texted me and said, hey man, did you give that joke to that person? 0.98

02:51:46.000 And I was like, no. 0.96

02:51:48.000 Ooh, man, it pulled this fucking thing in my, in my id that was like, I remember thinking, do you think I'm weak? 0.99

02:51:54.000 Do you think I won't say anything? 0.99

02:51:56.000 Do you think that you can do that to me?

02:51:58.000 Right.

02:51:59.000 And I didn't say anything.

02:52:00.000 I didn't say anything because I learned the first time around that it really, almost like all these women that come out about sexual assault, it doesn't benefit you to come out and say that someone stole a joke from you. 0.73

02:52:10.000 You just...

02:52:10.000 Did you just equate I know.

02:52:13.000 It's that coming forward thing where you look at these women and say there's no benefit and people go, oh, bitches lie. 1.00

02:52:20.000 I go, no they don't. 1.00

02:52:21.000 There's not a lot of benefit to go and say you've been raped because now you've got to fucking, that's what you're defined as. 0.99

02:52:26.000 And you've got to defend yourself from something you didn't do to yourself. 0.98

02:52:30.000 And so when you get stolen from them, obviously that is a stretch of an equivocation, but to come out and defend yourself, people do start attacking you and go, why would you even say anything?

02:52:38.000 Dude, you're just jealous.

02:52:40.000 Well, you have to put yourself out on a limb if you're talking about someone taking something, like a joke, from you too, because you have to hope that people side with you.

02:52:48.000 So, like, say if some famous person steals something from you, you have to hope when you come out that a bunch of people are going to jump on his side and attack you, which is totally possible.

02:53:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:53:00.000 And if they do, then you're fucked. 1.00

02:53:02.000 Then you're out on a limb. 0.99

02:53:03.000 Dude, I went through, and I screen-grabbed everything that was proof unequivocally.

02:53:08.000 Screen-grabbed everything. 1.00

02:53:10.000 Fuck them. 1.00

02:53:11.000 I got everything. 1.00

02:53:14.000 I'll never do anything with it.

02:53:16.000 But you know what, man?

02:53:17.000 The good lesson is now that person you could write off forever.

02:53:21.000 It's like...

02:53:22.000 What was it?

02:53:23.000 Was it Goodfellas?

02:53:24.000 What was it?

02:53:25.000 What was the movie?

02:53:26.000 Like, you got off light.

02:53:27.000 Like, you know, for $20 or $200, whatever it is, now that person never has to talk to you again.

02:53:32.000 Yeah.

02:53:33.000 You're good.

02:53:34.000 You know?

02:53:36.000 Sometimes when someone does something like that, you're like, okay.

02:53:40.000 Now I can write you off.

02:53:42.000 And write them off in a very interesting way as a comic.

02:53:45.000 To know, oh, you never had it, you never will.

02:53:47.000 You don't got what I have. 1.00

02:53:48.000 I can make more of that shit. 1.00

02:53:50.000 That's what I do for a living. 0.99

02:53:51.000 Oh my god, so when you really don't have any material and you don't know how to write, you don't know how to write new material. 1.00

02:53:56.000 Oh, shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:53:58.000 So that's what you can't do? 1.00

02:53:59.000 Oh, suck a dick. 1.00

02:54:02.000 There's two different types of mindsets. 1.00

02:54:05.000 The type of mindset where someone steals someone else's ideas and tries to pass them off as their own is kind of the opposite mindset.

02:54:17.000 To someone who's creative.

02:54:19.000 Because when you're creative, you're thinking about a bit.

02:54:21.000 You're not thinking about yourself and how the bit is going to work for you and how it's going to kill when you get out there.

02:54:27.000 But when you're stealing, say if you have a bit about lollipops, and I go, oh, I wish that was my bit.

02:54:32.000 I'm going to steal that lollipop bit.

02:54:33.000 That bit's going to kill.

02:54:34.000 And then I do that lollipop bit, and it crushes!

02:54:37.000 And I go, oh, I feel so good when I do that lollipop bit.

02:54:39.000 They get addicted to it.

02:54:40.000 That's one of the things about people that get called out for bits, and they say, oh, I'm not going to do it anymore.

02:54:44.000 And then, I heard he did that bit at the Laugh Factory.

02:54:47.000 Because they get addicted to the reaction that bit gets.

02:54:52.000 See, you're addicted to coming up with new stuff.

02:54:56.000 And I am, and the people that try to be creative, what you're trying to do is you're trying to summon these ideas out of the ether.

02:55:06.000 You're trying to pull them out of the air, and then once you have them, like, okay, I got it in a bottle, I got it in a bottle, okay, now I gotta add things to it.

02:55:13.000 I gotta bring it alive. 0.95

02:55:14.000 I gotta fucking Frankenstein it. 0.99

02:55:16.000 It's alive! 0.99

02:55:17.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:55:18.000 And then one day, months and months later, you trot that bit out of the improv and it fucking crushes. 0.83

02:55:24.000 And that is one of the most amazing feelings.

02:55:26.000 Yeah, like someone like Sam Tripoli or Bill Burr come up and go, dude, I love that new bit.

02:55:31.000 And just go...

02:55:32.000 You're like, it's working.

02:55:33.000 I got it.

02:55:34.000 It's popping.

02:55:34.000 We all love that about each other, too.

02:55:37.000 I love when someone's got a new bit.

02:55:38.000 And I go, is that new?

02:55:39.000 What is that bit?

02:55:40.000 You're like, oh, dude.

02:55:41.000 This hour that comes out tonight at midnight, I remember watching you run it in the OR at its infancy, probably like eight months ago.

02:55:49.000 Right when I was getting ready in February, when I was getting ready to tape my special, I saw you doing yours, and I was like... 0.96

02:55:55.000 Shit, is this your new material? 0.99

02:55:56.000 And you're like yeah, I'm getting ready to film in you know a couple months and I was like oh like dude That's the greatest feeling when you sit as a comic in the back and you watch your friends just fucking murder. 1.00

02:56:06.000 It inspires you with shit you haven't heard. 0.99

02:56:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:56:09.000 Oh, that's the best Yeah, but people that still never get that they will never get it.

02:56:13.000 They're missing that It's sad It's it's a sad thing because they're always gonna have to live this weird lie You know?

02:56:23.000 The weird lie of creativity.

02:56:26.000 Because creativity is so slippery.

02:56:28.000 And you can't be thinking about yourself.

02:56:30.000 That's not what it's about.

02:56:31.000 It's the opposite about that.

02:56:33.000 It's all about the idea.

02:56:34.000 It's all about how it gets to the people.

02:56:37.000 It's all about how it works.

02:56:38.000 You have to take yourself literally out of the equation.

02:56:42.000 But the people who steal, it's all about them.

02:56:44.000 It's all about them getting a good feeling doing someone else's bit.

02:56:49.000 And I really think that there's this weird balance to the world.

02:56:53.000 And I think when you do that, I think it takes away from your ability to do the other thing.

02:56:58.000 It takes away from your ability to be creative.

02:57:00.000 I would almost argue I'm the exact opposite.

02:57:01.000 When a bit gets up and running and murderous, I almost feel like I'm lying to the audience.

02:57:06.000 Like I'm cheating going like...

02:57:08.000 You know it works.

02:57:09.000 You've been doing it too long.

02:57:10.000 I have a hard time doing sets at the store when I got my hour ready.

02:57:13.000 I go, what am I going there for?

02:57:15.000 I'm stealing a spot from someone who can use it. 0.99

02:57:17.000 And I'm just going up with shit that works? 0.99

02:57:19.000 Like, oh, come on, Burt. 0.99

02:57:21.000 Yeah, but you're giving the audience a good time, and you're keeping everything sharp.

02:57:25.000 That's the other thing.

02:57:26.000 Once a bit is done, you can't just leave it alone.

02:57:29.000 Because if I had to today go up and do my Bruce Jenner bit...

02:57:34.000 I wouldn't be able to do it.

02:57:35.000 I don't know how to do it.

02:57:36.000 I haven't done it in two years.

02:57:38.000 I literally wouldn't be able to do it.

02:57:40.000 It was one of my best bits ever, and I wouldn't know where to start.

02:57:43.000 I would have to go back, listen to it, and then I would have to go do it a bunch of times to get it polished again.

02:57:49.000 It's really fun, though, when someone calls out a joke that you haven't told in years, and you're like, I did it this past week.

02:57:55.000 I do an hour 25-minute show, hour 20th show, where I do my new hour, and then at the end, whatever bits I want to hear, I'll tell.

02:58:02.000 That's nice.

02:58:02.000 And it's a two-man show, so I have someone do 15 minutes and I do the rest.

02:58:06.000 And that way I feel like people definitely want to hear flying dildos or the machine.

02:58:11.000 And someone called out, Mexican kid in the elevator!

02:58:14.000 And I was like, whoa.

02:58:16.000 I haven't done that since my first special.

02:58:18.000 Do you remember how to do it?

02:58:19.000 I didn't.

02:58:20.000 But I started doing it. 0.99

02:58:23.000 And I was like, and I just kind of, your muscle memory goes back in, and then you're like, and you're so much better of a comedian now, that the things that you would have never said back then, because you didn't know how to do it, you just start adding ad-libs in, and it just kills, and you're like, shit, man! 0.95

02:58:37.000 I had a guy come on stage once, he asked me to do a bit, and I go, I don't remember how to do a bit. 0.97

02:58:41.000 He goes, I do. 0.98

02:58:42.000 I go, get up here, bitch. 1.00

02:58:43.000 So I brought him up on stage, and I had him kind of do the bit. 0.98

02:58:48.000 I go, yeah, I remember that part.

02:58:49.000 Okay, okay.

02:58:50.000 I saw some guy on Instagram.

02:58:54.000 He was doing my machine bit as a joke.

02:58:58.000 He's an open mic or maybe his 10th time on stage or whatever.

02:59:01.000 And his friends, I guess, are fans.

02:59:03.000 And he was like...

02:59:04.000 When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian Mafia.

02:59:07.000 Here's how it happened.

02:59:08.000 And they all started laughing.

02:59:09.000 He goes, I'm just kidding. 0.99

02:59:10.000 I ain't doing that shit. 0.99

02:59:11.000 But it made me giggle because he misspoke. 0.99

02:59:13.000 It's not the way I say it.

02:59:15.000 I got in a scuffle with the Russian Mafia.

02:59:18.000 And I heard something and it made me giggle.

02:59:20.000 That's hilarious.

02:59:21.000 Yeah.

02:59:22.000 Yeah, it's weird how people interpret, like when you do something and then people really like it and they take it and they make a clip about it or something or they add something to it or they...

02:59:33.000 One of the weirder things has been the animated shit that people do.

02:59:37.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:59:37.000 You know? 0.99

02:59:38.000 See, it's just like you go...

02:59:42.000 We were talking about this the other day, that when you're in this room and you're doing this podcast, it just seems like you and me are talking.

02:59:49.000 That's one of the reasons why it works, or you and me and whoever else is here.

02:59:53.000 But for the people that hear it, the actual numbers that you're dealing with, you're dealing with millions of people.

03:00:01.000 That doesn't seem to register in your head.

03:00:03.000 And then you'll see these clips, and you'll see these memes, and you'll see these videos, and you see these animated shorts, and you see people do impressions of you, and you're like, wait, what? 0.99

03:00:15.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

03:00:17.000 And then you see people get tattoos of your face on their ass or something like that, like on your calf. 1.00

03:00:23.000 They get you smiling, your beard on their calf. 1.00

03:00:27.000 And you're like, what the fuck? 1.00

03:00:28.000 The machine. 1.00

03:00:29.000 I saw a dude who had that Russian t-shirt tattooed on his body, the one that you made with the machine with the Russian language with you looking off into space.

03:00:39.000 I was like, whoa. 0.98

03:00:40.000 It's fucking insane. 0.98

03:00:42.000 It's weird. 1.00

03:00:43.000 That's insane.

03:00:43.000 Especially like, I mean, dude, when I saw that Joe Rogan meets Rojogan, I was just...

03:00:49.000 That guy's a wizard, whoever did that shit. 0.98

03:00:51.000 Dude, I had gotten done a show in Oxnard and my kids were in the other room, my wife. 1.00

03:00:57.000 There's a new one out with you, you know. 0.99

03:00:58.000 I just reposted it where Bert stops talking shit. 0.99

03:01:03.000 That made me giggle so hard. 0.99

03:01:07.000 I had just gotten high and I was in a room by myself.

03:01:10.000 My family's in another room.

03:01:13.000 I was like, dude, I hope this guy knows how much joy he just gave me. 0.69

03:01:16.000 Like, whatever I was thinking about, you know, like my set or whatever, I'm dying fucking laughing.

03:01:21.000 I was like, dude, thank you, man.

03:01:23.000 Well, it's the amount of effort that it takes to listen to so much audio that you can have a conversation played back and forth between a dude and his self.

03:01:33.000 Like, you know how many videos that guy must have had to listen to and how much editing he had to do to do that?

03:01:38.000 Dude, I don't want to fanboy out, but I'm a huge fan.

03:01:39.000 And it cuts to you?

03:01:40.000 I was pissing myself.

03:01:43.000 I literally hit pause.

03:01:44.000 You know what, like when you get excited and you're like, I think you had sent it to me maybe.

03:01:48.000 Maybe.

03:01:48.000 And someone sent, maybe Tommy had sent it to me.

03:01:50.000 And I immediately, it was too late, but I wanted to text everyone and go, I want everyone to see this.

03:01:54.000 And then when it cut, by the way, I'm already giggling because I'm, you know. 0.98

03:01:57.000 And then when it cut to me as the mangy chimp, I... Fucking howling. 0.99

03:02:02.000 I'm howling and I'm excited. 0.99

03:02:04.000 Did you see a hairless chimp? 1.00

03:02:05.000 Like, oh jeez, look at the balls on that thing. 1.00

03:02:07.000 He'll rip your dick off. 1.00

03:02:08.000 He'll rip your dick off. 1.00

03:02:10.000 Yeah, no. 1.00

03:02:11.000 That fucking... 1.00

03:02:12.000 And then when he just did the new one... 1.00

03:02:13.000 I gotta go pick up my daughter.

03:02:15.000 When he just did the new one of me drinking...

03:02:17.000 Jeez, it's already 2.35?

03:02:18.000 Yeah.

03:02:19.000 This room's a time warp.

03:02:21.000 It really is.

03:02:22.000 It is.

03:02:22.000 It's a time warp.

03:02:23.000 When the fuck do you ever sit down and talk to somebody for three hours? 0.99

03:02:26.000 It's the best thing about these podcasts is that you literally sit and catch up and break balls and giggle, come up with brilliant challenges. 0.99

03:02:33.000 Dude, it's changed me.

03:02:34.000 It's changed me as a person.

03:02:36.000 My ability to communicate is so much...

03:02:40.000 I'm just so much better at it than I was nine years ago when I first started doing this.

03:02:43.000 You really are.

03:02:44.000 I mean, I can say this as a fan.

03:02:47.000 I think anyone who listens—I've been listening to the podcast.

03:02:49.000 I always listen to the podcast.

03:02:51.000 You've changed immeasurably in almost the most renaissance way. 0.99

03:02:56.000 It's like you have conversations with people I wouldn't know what the fuck they even do. 0.95

03:03:01.000 But there's still hints of exactly who you are. 0.98

03:03:03.000 You're very measured in what you say and how you put out your ideas.

03:03:06.000 You listen.

03:03:07.000 You're willing to change. 1.00

03:03:08.000 I remember when you stopped saying faggot. 0.99

03:03:09.000 I remember when you were like, you know what? 0.99

03:03:11.000 I think I'm going to stop saying that in conversation.

03:03:14.000 I remember I was like, oh, that's a good idea.

03:03:16.000 Maybe I should stop too.

03:03:18.000 We were in the old Death Squad East or where West was it?

03:03:22.000 Oh, in Pasadena?

03:03:23.000 Yeah.

03:03:24.000 Well, the problem is it's a fun thing to say, and you don't mean it in a homophobic way.

03:03:29.000 It still is fun to say.

03:03:30.000 I still let it slip out every now and then.

03:03:32.000 It aged like a fine wine.

03:03:34.000 It's a fun thing to say, but the problem is the way it makes other people feel is not fun.

03:03:40.000 Language should be about intent.

03:03:42.000 It should be about you're conveying your intent through a sound.

03:03:47.000 Yeah.

03:03:47.000 But the problem is it's not working correctly.

03:03:50.000 Like if someone is hearing it on the other end and it's making them angry and you're like, but no, I'm silly. 0.57

03:03:54.000 I'm being silly about it. 1.00

03:03:55.000 I'm a silly faggot. 1.00

03:03:57.000 They're like, no, no, no, you can't. 1.00

03:03:59.000 Like, okay, well, it's not.

03:04:00.000 This is an ineffective use of sound to convey my thoughts.

03:04:04.000 Yeah.

03:04:05.000 Is it worth it to piss people off?

03:04:08.000 You know, is it worth it?

03:04:09.000 Like, look what happened with Tommy and the word retard, which he's not calling anyone that.

03:04:16.000 The bit is about forbidden language.

03:04:19.000 And he literally, all he said in that bit was that you're not allowed to use that word anymore.

03:04:25.000 And in saying that, there was massive protests.

03:04:28.000 There was all these people freaking out because they don't even want you to utter the sound.

03:04:32.000 It's a real problem because That kind of thinking is nonsense.

03:04:36.000 To say that it can't be used ever, that you can't admit that it's a word, like you cannot say it, you cannot utter it, that it's abracadabra, that it's a magic word.

03:04:46.000 You can't even bring it up in conversation to understand that we are changing, so this word, whatever the word is, that you can't say it anymore.

03:04:55.000 Remember when they were trying to get rid of bossy? 0.51

03:04:57.000 Do you remember bossy?

03:04:58.000 No.

03:04:59.000 Yeah, they were trying to say that bossy is a sexist word. 1.00

03:05:02.000 You shouldn't use bossy.

03:05:03.000 They abandoned it.

03:05:05.000 But it's that point, is that they'll try to find something to be offended by, and they'll try to put whatever that word is into this forbidden category.

03:05:14.000 And then you can have so many words in that category, then it's going to be crazy.

03:05:18.000 And then you have noises that you can't make.

03:05:21.000 I think the real thing that's going to change, and I really think this is going to happen, is we're going to figure out a way to bypass language.

03:05:27.000 There's going to be a way to directly convey information to people without language.

03:05:32.000 And it's going to happen through some sort of technology.

03:05:34.000 And Elon Musk was talking about it on the podcast.

03:05:37.000 There's something called Neuralink that he's working on that's some sort of really revolutionary way to increase bandwidth between you and ideas and how ideas get to your head.

03:05:48.000 It's going to be something that you wear.

03:05:50.000 I think that's gonna be like step one and then you're gonna be able to do that from person to person and I think you know all this we're so invasive now with social media like it's so and cell phones and electronics everything is in your life and people are getting closer and closer to each other and One of the side effects is that of that is that people now realize they can hurt you so they can attack you easier and they can And they can tear things down.

03:06:14.000 They can light things on fire because they can.

03:06:16.000 Not necessarily because it's a wise thing or it's a measured thing or it's a really well thought out thing.

03:06:22.000 They're doing it just because it's a new thing that they can use.

03:06:25.000 Like you gave a chimp an AK-47 and they just started shooting up the jungle. 1.00

03:06:29.000 I mean literally that is what a lot of people are doing with social media.

03:06:32.000 But I think that is just a stage and that eventually we're going to bypass language.

03:06:37.000 I really think that.

03:06:40.000 Yeah.

03:06:40.000 I think it's going to be like emojis.

03:06:42.000 And we're going to communicate through like a form of hieroglyphics almost.

03:06:46.000 This is a conversation I need to have on November 5th when I'm high.

03:06:49.000 We're going to be baked. 1.00

03:06:50.000 Baked, drunk, fucked up. 1.00

03:06:52.000 November 5th. 1.00

03:06:53.000 I can't fucking wait. 0.98

03:06:54.000 Let's wrap this up. 0.95

03:06:55.000 So we kind of have a parameter.

03:06:57.000 We'll figure it out as we go along.

03:06:58.000 I've got it written all right here.

03:06:59.000 I'll take a picture and leave it here.

03:07:00.000 All right.

03:07:01.000 But...

03:07:02.000 And then we'll figure out the belt.

03:07:03.000 Dude, this is awesome.

03:07:04.000 This is awesome.

03:07:05.000 It's going to be awesome. 0.99

03:07:06.000 The belt's going to be the shit. 0.99

03:07:07.000 Because we're going to have that belt every year. 1.00

03:07:08.000 I can't fucking wait. 0.91

03:07:10.000 I'm going to get a deluxe belt, too. 0.99

03:07:11.000 Fat leather, brass, beautiful.

03:07:14.000 Alright.

03:07:15.000 Your special tonight at midnight.

03:07:17.000 Yeah, midnight tonight.

03:07:17.000 It's called Strange Times.

03:07:20.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.98

03:07:21.000 That's where we live in. 0.98

03:07:22.000 I saw the material at the store.

03:07:23.000 Thanks, brother.

03:07:23.000 I'm so excited for you, man.

03:07:25.000 I'm excited, too.

03:07:26.000 Nervous, too.

03:07:27.000 Bye, everybody.

03:07:32.000 Thank you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 01, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1177 - Sober October 2

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