The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1179 - Nikki Glaser

00:00:00.000 Go see a boxing match.

00:00:02.000 He doesn't even want that to be the...

00:00:03.000 Three, two, one.

00:00:07.000 We live?

00:00:08.000 Are we live?

00:00:08.000 Yeah, we were just talking about Silver October and Ari Shfier and the speculation that he may be, in fact...

00:00:17.000 Running some shenanigans?

00:00:18.000 We do not know.

00:00:20.000 It seems to be shenanigans at play here.

00:00:22.000 He went too strong the first day.

00:00:24.000 I don't believe that you could sustain that amount of heart rate for that long.

00:00:29.000 It's interesting to look at his graph because he was at 80 plus percent of his max heart rate for more than an hour and 20 minutes.

00:00:37.000 Look, he might just be trying to kill himself.

00:00:39.000 He's got a strong will. 0.89

00:00:41.000 Does he?

00:00:41.000 Yes.

00:00:43.000 I know he's shifty and honest.

00:00:47.000 How can he be shifty and honest?

00:00:49.000 Because he'll eventually come out with, this is what I did, and of course I did that.

00:00:53.000 You guys knew I was doing it the whole time.

00:00:55.000 That's what he'll say.

00:00:55.000 That's a good impression of Ari.

00:00:56.000 Yeah, thank you.

00:00:58.000 Yeah, of course.

00:00:59.000 Of course I was going to do that.

00:01:00.000 So, yeah.

00:01:01.000 But he is shifty and... 0.55

00:01:03.000 He's a prankster. 0.96

00:01:06.000 He's a prankster.

00:01:07.000 He's definitely going to do some weird stuff to get ahead in this.

00:01:11.000 But he also knows he's going to lose, too.

00:01:13.000 Do you know what he did in Legion of Skanks? 0.98

00:01:15.000 He shit in a box and brought it onto the stage and he had it like sealed up and then opened it in front of everybody and apparently the smell was like so horrendous people were bailing out of the room and gagging and throwing up. 0.98

00:01:29.000 It's like a public health hazard. 1.00

00:01:30.000 You're not supposed to like have shit, human shit in public. 1.00

00:01:35.000 He's so weird. 1.00

00:01:37.000 He's the best!

00:01:38.000 Love him!

00:01:39.000 In the Leisure Skanks, they've seen everything.

00:01:42.000 For them to be running out of the room.

00:01:44.000 Yeah, they've done everything and seen everything and Ari still freaked them out. 1.00

00:01:48.000 I can't believe that I just now heard that story. 0.75

00:01:51.000 Like that should be like a headline that someone shit in a box and brought it into a room where the live podcast was taking place. 0.89

00:01:58.000 It was a small room too. 0.96

00:02:00.000 I mean it was like a room with like a hundred people in it. 0.99

00:02:02.000 I love someone who's not scared to talk about shit and deal with shit. 0.99

00:02:08.000 No, Ari's not scared of that. 1.00

00:02:09.000 I mean...

00:02:10.000 Look, the fact that he entered into this contest at all, and he doesn't work out at all for ten years, and then he's like, there's a fitness contest, and the loser has to do something.

00:02:19.000 We haven't totally determined what the loser has to do.

00:02:22.000 Ari wants us to, like, drink each other's piss. 1.00

00:02:24.000 He wants to drink your piss. 0.99

00:02:26.000 That's what Ari wants to do. 1.00

00:02:28.000 He can't think he's gonna win.

00:02:30.000 He's going to lose!

00:02:30.000 Right.

00:02:31.000 He might not lose.

00:02:32.000 Right now, Tom Segura's in the bottom.

00:02:34.000 Tom Segura's at the bottom.

00:02:35.000 I think Tom...

00:02:38.000 I mean, you're obviously set to win this thing, but I think Tom's going to sneak up.

00:02:43.000 He's playing it down.

00:02:44.000 You looked at his wrist yesterday.

00:02:45.000 You go, what's a thousand something?

00:02:47.000 Oh, that's nothing.

00:02:49.000 Just the calories he burned that day?

00:02:50.000 A thousand?

00:02:52.000 Tom's sneaky.

00:02:53.000 Yeah, a lot of people feel like that.

00:02:55.000 I really think he's going to do something on this.

00:02:57.000 He's going to be the one to beat.

00:02:59.000 You gotta realize, though, Burt ran a marathon.

00:03:01.000 He did run a marathon.

00:03:02.000 I know.

00:03:03.000 This is fun, I have to say.

00:03:07.000 Any one of you could pull ahead.

00:03:09.000 Can we talk about what you did yesterday?

00:03:12.000 Yeah, I worked out for three hours and 20 minutes.

00:03:14.000 I'm trying to double everyone.

00:03:17.000 Yeah.

00:03:18.000 I'm trying to break Bert's will.

00:03:19.000 That's what I'm really trying to do. 0.99

00:03:21.000 Because he talks all this Mickey Mantle Jean shit. 1.00

00:03:23.000 I'm like, motherfucker, I'm crazy. 1.00

00:03:25.000 You don't understand? 1.00

00:03:26.000 I will work out twice a day like that. 1.00

00:03:28.000 I will try to give you a fucking heart attack, you fat fuck. 1.00

00:03:31.000 I would love to say that. 1.00

00:03:33.000 You will, too. 1.00

00:03:35.000 You'll kill him. 1.00

00:03:36.000 You could kill him. 1.00

00:03:37.000 I just don't know if he's going to... 0.99

00:03:38.000 I don't know how long he's going to keep it up.

00:03:40.000 Because, like...

00:03:41.000 Bert's very competitive up to a point.

00:03:43.000 Like, with the weight loss challenge, Tom stayed steady, and Tom won in the end.

00:03:49.000 But Bert tried.

00:03:50.000 He tried to sprint towards the end. 1.00

00:03:52.000 But it was too little too late, and Tom was talking shit the entire time. 0.99

00:03:55.000 Like, I know what you're going to do. 1.00

00:03:56.000 You're going to fuck off until the very end, and then you're going to try to catch up, but it's going to be too late. 1.00

00:04:00.000 And he was right. 1.00

00:04:01.000 Yep.

00:04:02.000 But Bert...

00:04:03.000 I don't know if Bert's will can be broken.

00:04:06.000 Has it been broken before?

00:04:09.000 Well, it's not his will.

00:04:10.000 It's the discipline aspect.

00:04:13.000 See, when you're dealing with an entire month, you have 31 days of having to get after it.

00:04:19.000 So how often do you get after it normally?

00:04:21.000 See, that's the thing.

00:04:22.000 The difference between me and Bert is I work out almost every day already.

00:04:28.000 So for me, it's just like those days off don't exist anymore.

00:04:31.000 So what I've decided to do on my days off is just do shit that I wouldn't normally do.

00:04:34.000 So I'll do the elliptical machine for two hours or I'll do something else. 0.95

00:04:39.000 I'll do something else.

00:04:40.000 But the whole time I'm thinking, I'm going to break Bert.

00:04:44.000 I'm gonna break Burt. 1.00

00:04:46.000 Fuck your Milky Mantle gene. 1.00

00:04:48.000 Yeah, you guys were talking about like who you think about when you're really trying to get past that point where you're either you're kickboxing or even on an elliptical. 1.00

00:04:57.000 Sometimes you got to get angry.

00:04:59.000 Yeah.

00:05:00.000 And you think of Burt.

00:05:01.000 Right now you're thinking about Burt.

00:05:02.000 Right now I'm thinking of Burt.

00:05:03.000 I'm thinking of Burt breaking Burt.

00:05:05.000 Breaking his will.

00:05:06.000 I don't understand.

00:05:07.000 You guys are all addicts in different ways.

00:05:11.000 And this is so interesting to watch because you're right.

00:05:14.000 You already work out a lot.

00:05:17.000 You're an extremely healthy guy, but you're now going to take it.

00:05:20.000 I can see the excitement on all of you to take this to just an excruciating level.

00:05:26.000 Because it gets obsessive and it gets fun.

00:05:30.000 But that's the thing.

00:05:31.000 I'm excited to talk to you at the beginning of this when you're still pumped up about it and it's like you get a high from working out for three and a half hours a day.

00:05:38.000 Seventeen days from now I'm going to be a beaten man.

00:05:40.000 Yeah, you are.

00:05:41.000 We're not going to get a surge at the end when it gets close again, but 17 days, you're right, that's not going to be a fun day for you.

00:05:47.000 Yeah.

00:05:48.000 Well, I don't know.

00:05:49.000 Who knows?

00:05:49.000 You know, did you ever see, there's a really interesting documentary with Eddie Izzard, and Eddie Izzard, who's not a guy and really good, did you see it?

00:05:56.000 I didn't see it, but I know what he's done.

00:05:58.000 I love that guy.

00:05:59.000 He's so impressive.

00:06:00.000 He's amazing.

00:06:01.000 What he did was he ran around Europe.

00:06:04.000 He did a marathon a day with no training.

00:06:07.000 I mean no training.

00:06:08.000 He wasn't in shape.

00:06:10.000 He was overweight.

00:06:11.000 His feet weren't prepared.

00:06:12.000 His feet got destroyed.

00:06:14.000 And I watched this in the beginning.

00:06:16.000 I watched this.

00:06:16.000 I was like, how is he going to do this?

00:06:17.000 And then towards the end, I was like, wow, this guy is a force of will.

00:06:22.000 Just sheer will.

00:06:23.000 I mean, his lifestyle is not that...

00:06:26.000 He's exercising consistently and he's just going to do a little bit more and really push himself hard.

00:06:32.000 No.

00:06:32.000 No exercise.

00:06:34.000 I don't think he exercised at all.

00:06:37.000 Or if he did, he just had a normal body.

00:06:42.000 He didn't have a body of someone who's used to...

00:06:43.000 I know.

00:06:43.000 You look at him, you go, a marathon a day out of this guy?

00:06:46.000 Anyone could do that.

00:06:47.000 But it's so mental.

00:06:49.000 Mental, yeah.

00:06:50.000 And I think a lot of comedians have that.

00:06:54.000 Maybe I'm just doing the thing comedians do of patting themselves on the back for being more interesting than other people.

00:07:00.000 Like we do all the time.

00:07:01.000 We're so much more broken and we have such more willpower.

00:07:04.000 But I think that...

00:07:06.000 I get obsessed with exercise, too, and I really get into it.

00:07:09.000 I remember Louis C.K. doing some interview where he said that he runs five miles a day because on that fourth mile when he doesn't want to do the fifth, he thinks about a day where he'll be on set and want to just call it a day and not push through.

00:07:22.000 It's how it all relates.

00:07:24.000 Or you'll be in the middle of an hour set.

00:07:26.000 And you'll be tired and you just, everything can relate to being on set or in the middle of a set and that run five miles a day, making yourself do that means you can get through anything.

00:07:37.000 And so I run a lot and I have, I think of it the same way.

00:07:40.000 It's just endurance to perform for an hour every night.

00:07:44.000 Like that's insane that we do that.

00:07:46.000 Well, if you have more energy, you definitely can put out more during a show.

00:07:49.000 So if you are in better shape, you'll have more cardio.

00:07:52.000 You won't get exhausted.

00:07:53.000 You'll be able to put out more energy.

00:07:55.000 You'll be more vibrant, more robust.

00:07:58.000 You know, you really...

00:08:00.000 I mean, in some ways, if you're doing like an hour a night, especially if you're doing two shows a night, right?

00:08:06.000 You owe it to yourself to have an energy reserve.

00:08:09.000 Yeah.

00:08:10.000 It's just that...

00:08:12.000 I just think that running is so monotonous and there's so many times where you could go, I could just not do this.

00:08:18.000 I could just start walking and who cares?

00:08:21.000 But something about pushing yourself through a run when you could give up, it always, you never regret it.

00:08:28.000 I'll say that.

00:08:29.000 Yeah.

00:08:30.000 You never regret keeping running when you could just walk.

00:08:33.000 It's like a moving meditation in a lot of ways.

00:08:36.000 Yes.

00:08:36.000 You're forcing your mind to take control of your body and you're forcing your mind to ignore all of the aches and pains and all the desire to quit.

00:08:46.000 That's what people say that run marathons. 1.00

00:08:49.000 You know, that you just have to...

00:08:50.000 Like my friend John Joseph says it best. 1.00

00:08:52.000 He said, your mind has to tell your body who the fuck the boss is. 1.00

00:08:59.000 I just did Dancing with the Stars. 1.00

00:09:01.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:09:02.000 That's a lot of work. 0.99

00:09:02.000 I just got eliminated last week. 0.99

00:09:04.000 That's a lot of work.

00:09:05.000 It was so physically exhausting.

00:09:08.000 It was a month of my life every day, four hours a day dancing, and I've never danced before.

00:09:15.000 But I didn't realize how mental it all really is.

00:09:20.000 In the end, athletics, it's so mental.

00:09:24.000 I didn't realize it because I've never been an athlete my whole life, but before I got into this competition, I was reading all the books about, well, I am where I am physically.

00:09:32.000 That's not going to change, so I better figure out a way to mentally overcome some stuff.

00:09:37.000 And I was able to, but man, it's all that.

00:09:41.000 Yeah, I feel like a lot of times and it broke me in many ways mentally and physically But it was I mean it was my sober October for sure It was my you working out every single day and giving it trying to beat Burt.

00:09:54.000 It's definitely not easy There's nothing...

00:09:57.000 I did a bunch of dancing lessons for a movie that I was in called Zookeeper with Kevin James way back in the day.

00:10:05.000 And I had to learn how to dance.

00:10:07.000 And then I had to learn how to dance with Leslie Bibb, you know, from Talladega Nights.

00:10:10.000 She was my ex-girlfriend that I was trying to win back from Kevin in the movie.

00:10:13.000 So I had to learn how to...

00:10:15.000 Like, there was a scene where we dance in this ballroom.

00:10:18.000 And, you know, it's...

00:10:21.000 You realize how difficult it is.

00:10:23.000 Like, for hours we're practicing these moves. 0.98

00:10:25.000 And it's fucking monotonous. 0.98

00:10:26.000 And here's the thing. 0.99

00:10:27.000 I don't give a fuck about dancing. 0.98

00:10:29.000 So it's something like I had to force myself to do that I didn't really want to do. 0.99

00:10:34.000 It's not that I don't give a fuck about dancing's fun if you just do whatever you want.

00:10:37.000 But when you're doing this very specific pattern to certain music and you did... 0.97

00:10:43.000 Ugh, yeah.

00:10:45.000 Oh yes, this is the scene.

00:10:48.000 Kevin James Rosario Dawson.

00:10:50.000 Oh my gosh!

00:10:51.000 Look at you! 1.00

00:10:52.000 Yeah, we had to practice this shit over and over again for weeks and weeks. 1.00

00:10:58.000 Was that you? 1.00

00:10:59.000 Yeah.

00:11:00.000 That was good!

00:11:00.000 It was exhausting.

00:11:03.000 There was a lot to it. 1.00

00:11:08.000 It was so stupid. 1.00

00:11:09.000 It's so hard. 1.00

00:11:11.000 Dancing is so hard.

00:11:13.000 And just like you, wow, that's good.

00:11:17.000 I don't care about it.

00:11:21.000 When I want to be good at something, I will give everything to be good at it.

00:11:25.000 And here's the other thing.

00:11:26.000 If you have a natural ability to begin with, if someone goes, you've got a knack for this.

00:11:32.000 You go, oh, well, I'm good.

00:11:33.000 I'm going to keep trying.

00:11:34.000 When I walked into this, no one's ever been like, you've got rhythm, girl.

00:11:38.000 No one's No one's ever given me even the slightest nudge towards any kind of playing, you know, having any musical ability or having any dance ability.

00:11:48.000 If anything, I've been shamed my whole life.

00:11:50.000 And then they asked me to do this literally my whole life.

00:11:52.000 I've never danced at weddings.

00:11:54.000 I don't dance at concerts because I just know that I'm going to be made fun of in some way.

00:11:58.000 And obviously no one's even thinking about me.

00:12:00.000 But in my head, it's my most insecure thing to do. 0.98

00:12:03.000 I would rather have sex on TV. A hundred percent. 0.94

00:12:07.000 Right.

00:12:07.000 Really?

00:12:08.000 Than do Dancing with the Stars.

00:12:09.000 If there was a... 0.98

00:12:10.000 Fucking with the Stars? 0.98

00:12:12.000 Sign me up, Joe. 0.99

00:12:13.000 I'm serious.

00:12:14.000 This was my biggest fear, but you can't turn down these things when they're offered to you.

00:12:18.000 I feel like, especially if there's something that scares you that much as this did, I was like, what do I have to lose?

00:12:24.000 I'm not going to die doing this.

00:12:26.000 The worst that could happen is I'm voted off first, and the judges say mean things about my dancing style.

00:12:31.000 Do they get mean?

00:12:32.000 Are they like Simon from...

00:12:34.000 Yeah.

00:12:35.000 Are they mean?

00:12:36.000 Really?

00:12:36.000 They got mean to me.

00:12:37.000 They got really mean to me. 0.99

00:12:39.000 Are you fucking super serious? 0.98

00:12:42.000 Listen, I got eliminated less than like a week ago from the show that I gave everything to. 0.99

00:12:48.000 And I went in saying, I'm a terrible dancer.

00:12:52.000 I don't know what I'm doing.

00:12:53.000 And I did a whole dance and I didn't mess up, Joe.

00:12:55.000 And I got very injured the day before.

00:12:57.000 I couldn't even move.

00:12:58.000 I couldn't get out of bed.

00:13:00.000 I had to have help because I tore something in my back.

00:13:04.000 And I overcame it mentally.

00:13:05.000 I talked myself out of having an injury.

00:13:07.000 Wow.

00:13:08.000 Mentally.

00:13:09.000 Like I meditated my way out of it, which I've done with several different injuries in my life of just like, I gotta be better.

00:13:14.000 I have to dance on live TV tonight and I couldn't move.

00:13:17.000 I couldn't brush my hair because my arm was hurting so bad that morning.

00:13:21.000 So I just started saying to myself, you're strong, you're prepared, and this is easy.

00:13:25.000 You're strong, you're prepared, this is easy.

00:13:27.000 Wow.

00:13:28.000 3,000 times out loud in the makeup chair all day walking around slowly going from this kind of injury walking like in the morning to okay I'm strong I'm prepared this is easy and then I then at the end of the day I was I danced on live TV and I cured myself mentally it was insane dude but They were so mean to me.

00:13:51.000 Especially Len Goodman, the British old cranky judge.

00:13:55.000 So is the British guy! 1.00

00:13:56.000 Why are the British guys always assholes? 1.00

00:13:58.000 It was really hurtful, and I took it in stride, but he called me awkward. 0.99

00:14:04.000 I just wanted to walk away from this show not being a white girl dancing meme. 0.96

00:14:09.000 I just didn't want people to be like, oh, white girls can't dance, because... 1.00

00:14:13.000 I know I can't dance, and I just didn't want to be made fun of, and he made fun of me.

00:14:17.000 He was like, you look awkward.

00:14:18.000 Because at the end of it, I just go, I can dance!

00:14:21.000 It was just me being funny, because I obviously can't, but I was like, I just completed a dance.

00:14:25.000 That if you watch, it's not that terrible.

00:14:27.000 I was very injured that morning.

00:14:28.000 I was proud of myself.

00:14:29.000 And he goes, you were awkward, and you can't dance!

00:14:32.000 You can't dance!

00:14:33.000 And then...

00:14:34.000 He said other things that I just...

00:14:36.000 I kind of blacked out during it because I was so sad and I was just holding on to Tom Bergeron for dear life.

00:14:42.000 And then I got eliminated first.

00:14:44.000 So it's so funny to me because I took on this challenge being like, the worst that could happen is that I get eliminated first, which I surely won't do because I can't be that bad.

00:14:54.000 I'll be better than...

00:14:55.000 Somebody.

00:14:56.000 Somebody.

00:14:56.000 Right.

00:14:57.000 13 people.

00:14:59.000 And I wasn't.

00:15:00.000 I was the worst.

00:15:01.000 My worst fear did happen.

00:15:02.000 I got made fun of on TV. I got eliminated first.

00:15:06.000 And you know, like, being on a reality show, like, have you done a reality show where it's like...

00:15:11.000 And the next, the first contestant eliminated from the show, and then there's a spotlight on you, and I'm staring at the stage, just a slat in the stage. 0.74

00:15:22.000 I'm just staring there being like, they're going to say Nikki and Glob.

00:15:25.000 They're going to say Nikki and Glob.

00:15:26.000 And it was just like, I'm on a reality show right now getting eliminated. 0.92

00:15:31.000 It was so surreal, and it sucked. 0.99

00:15:35.000 And it sucked. 0.98

00:15:37.000 And I'm still obviously very much feeling it. 0.98

00:15:40.000 And I loved the show.

00:15:41.000 I wanted to keep going.

00:15:43.000 I wanted to do different dances.

00:15:44.000 I was ready to really...

00:15:46.000 Because I just learned how to learn how to dance.

00:15:49.000 So I had to learn how to learn how to dance.

00:15:51.000 Because I'd never danced before in my life.

00:15:52.000 Never learned the marcarina.

00:15:53.000 I took myself out of any kind of dancing that was offered to me in school.

00:15:59.000 Because I was just like, I'm a bad dancer.

00:16:00.000 I don't want anyone to make fun of me.

00:16:01.000 I'll never dance.

00:16:02.000 And I sign up for the show.

00:16:03.000 I learn a dance.

00:16:04.000 I nail it.

00:16:05.000 As much as I can nail something.

00:16:07.000 I was very proud of myself.

00:16:08.000 And then I get eliminated.

00:16:10.000 And it really...

00:16:12.000 Obviously, I'm like still.

00:16:13.000 I'm just...

00:16:14.000 Has anybody ever done it two years in a row?

00:16:16.000 I would love to do it.

00:16:17.000 I was almost...

00:16:18.000 No.

00:16:19.000 Why don't you start taking dancing lessons?

00:16:22.000 I would love to! 1.00

00:16:23.000 Why don't you do that and then come back next year and shove it up that British guy's ass? 1.00

00:16:27.000 I don't think they'd want me back. 1.00

00:16:29.000 I bet they would.

00:16:30.000 I... I bet they have a hard time getting people to do that show.

00:16:33.000 Why did they let me go so soon then, Joe?

00:16:35.000 Because it didn't feel like it was because of my dancing.

00:16:39.000 It felt...

00:16:39.000 You know when you get eliminated from one of these shows that...

00:16:44.000 You just go, someone at the top doesn't like me.

00:16:48.000 There's something else involved here.

00:16:49.000 It's not America. 0.65

00:16:50.000 That might be your own head, though.

00:16:51.000 Yeah.

00:16:51.000 That might be your own head.

00:16:53.000 It's probably just, but out of 13 people, they liked me the least.

00:16:58.000 Well, maybe, just being honest, you had the worst performance.

00:17:03.000 Isn't that possible?

00:17:04.000 I mean, you don't dance.

00:17:06.000 I did not.

00:17:07.000 If I was on with you, I probably would have had a worse performance. 0.99

00:17:09.000 I don't fucking dance, right? 0.97

00:17:10.000 So it's like, think about your base that you're coming from. 0.99

00:17:14.000 You're not a person who dances.

00:17:16.000 This is a totally new thing for you. 0.95

00:17:17.000 But, if now you have this in your head, and you decide to take dancing lessons, and you do it on a regular basis, just once, twice a week for a year, you could be fucking amazing by the time next year rolls around.

00:17:29.000 I really, I gotta see if they allow people to enter a second time.

00:17:33.000 I guarantee you they will. 0.95

00:17:34.000 But look, it's fucking hard to get people to do that show. 0.96

00:17:36.000 A lot of people say no. 0.97

00:17:38.000 A lot of people.

00:17:38.000 It's a massive commitment.

00:17:40.000 Yeah, it is.

00:17:41.000 Yeah, a lot of people don't have the courage or the time or the interest.

00:17:45.000 I did last Comic Standing twice and got the same place.

00:17:50.000 So this is Was it with different hosts or the same host?

00:17:55.000 It was a different host, different judges.

00:17:57.000 Because the first time I did it, I was in college and there was no reason for me to even get as far as I got.

00:18:02.000 But last comic standing, let's be honest, it was rigged.

00:18:05.000 Did you ever host and do it?

00:18:07.000 Yeah, you hosted!

00:18:08.000 No, I was one of the judges.

00:18:09.000 Okay.

00:18:10.000 And there was a real issue with one season, not with mine, but with Brett Butler, Drew Carey, and a couple other people.

00:18:20.000 They protested because the person they voted for did not make it through because the producers decided that they knew better.

00:18:29.000 Because they wanted the television show to be more interesting.

00:18:33.000 So they wanted someone more controversial or whatever it was.

00:18:36.000 So it was this huge deal where they're like, wait a minute, why are we here as judges if you're not even counting our vote?

00:18:43.000 Like, this is all a puppet show.

00:18:45.000 Like, what's happening here?

00:18:46.000 And then there was also conflict because one of the guys who was a producer was also a manager of some of the people that were on the show. 0.99

00:18:52.000 And people were like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:18:55.000 There was a lot of issues. 1.00

00:18:57.000 There was a lot of issues with that show.

00:18:59.000 Yeah, but I think that's every reality competition show. 0.62

00:19:03.000 Yeah, but it's a contest.

00:19:04.000 There's rules.

00:19:05.000 I would tell people that wanted to be on Fear Factor.

00:19:08.000 They would say, hey man, can you get me on Fear Factor?

00:19:10.000 I'd say, stop right now.

00:19:11.000 There's very specific rules about game shows.

00:19:15.000 I can't even talk to you.

00:19:17.000 If you want to be on the show, I can't say, hey man, I'm going to get you on the show because I like you and I'm going to help you.

00:19:22.000 I can't do that.

00:19:23.000 Yeah, there's laws.

00:19:25.000 If you want to be on the show, don't talk to me.

00:19:27.000 Right.

00:19:27.000 Do you remember that show, Quiz Show?

00:19:31.000 Yeah, the movie was based upon that controversy.

00:19:35.000 Because it was a fraudulent show.

00:19:37.000 Because during that show, they decided this one guy who was winning, they decided it was a great thing to have him keep winning, and so they rigged the show.

00:19:44.000 And because of that, there's actual federal laws about how you organize and run game shows.

00:19:51.000 There's real laws behind this kind of stuff.

00:19:53.000 So now that's why I think I can't go back.

00:19:55.000 I don't think that's the case.

00:19:57.000 I love this idea.

00:19:59.000 I would like to tell ABC I am interested in coming back.

00:20:03.000 They're going to hear this.

00:20:04.000 I know.

00:20:05.000 And I guarantee you, you can go back.

00:20:07.000 I would love to go back.

00:20:09.000 I had the best time.

00:20:10.000 I just want to be a dancer now.

00:20:12.000 I stopped doing comedy because I just wanted to focus solely on dancing.

00:20:16.000 And I started doing comedy towards the end because you do something four hours a day that you're terrible at.

00:20:21.000 You want to go do something you're good at just to get your...

00:20:24.000 Right.

00:20:45.000 So bad.

00:20:46.000 I've never met someone who's...

00:20:48.000 I go, I'm special needs dancing.

00:20:51.000 I would be on the short bus for dancers.

00:20:53.000 I just don't have whatever it takes.

00:20:55.000 But I worked hard enough that I was able to learn a very difficult dance.

00:20:59.000 Let me stop you there.

00:20:59.000 It's not that you don't have what it takes.

00:21:01.000 You've never exercised it.

00:21:03.000 Yes.

00:21:03.000 You know how to move.

00:21:04.000 You're not ambulatory.

00:21:06.000 I see you walking around.

00:21:08.000 I don't mean to say that I'm...

00:21:10.000 I'm disabled in any way, but whatever some people are born with that gives them a natural rhythm and ability to dance, I don't...

00:21:17.000 I think there's very little of that, and a lot of it is just a bunch of dancing.

00:21:22.000 You're right.

00:21:23.000 I just haven't danced at all.

00:21:25.000 Yeah, I mean, think about it. 0.97

00:21:26.000 I mean, if you never played basketball and you went and played basketball, you're like, God damn it, I'm terrible. 1.00

00:21:30.000 I thought I was going to kick ass. 1.00

00:21:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:31.000 You know, that's like, a lot of people feel like that about fighting. 0.99

00:21:34.000 Like, a lot of people think, if I ever fought, I'd fuck people up. 0.97

00:21:37.000 Like, yeah, good luck. 0.99

00:21:38.000 You think that.

00:21:39.000 Good luck.

00:21:40.000 That's the thing is I wanted...

00:21:42.000 I kept saying down the barrel of the camera, I'm like, if you're watching at home being like, why can't this girl do this?

00:21:47.000 Because it would be like clapping that I couldn't get or walking and clapping together.

00:21:52.000 And I could just picture people at home watching me struggle and be like, I could do that.

00:21:56.000 Like I say to the computer when I watch this stuff.

00:21:58.000 But I'm like, until you do it, you don't know how hard this is.

00:22:03.000 Everyone assumes that they can do it.

00:22:05.000 Just like stand up.

00:22:06.000 But here's the difference with stand up is like...

00:22:09.000 I had people just like you did throughout your childhood and growing up be like, you're funny.

00:22:16.000 No one's ever been like, you should dance.

00:22:19.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:22:21.000 We have a natural knack at what we do that's kept us, that made us even try it in the first place, right?

00:22:27.000 Who was the first person that you remember being like, you're funny?

00:22:31.000 Well, there's like one guy in specific that I'm still very good friends with.

00:22:36.000 His name is Steve Graham.

00:22:37.000 He's an ophthalmologist actually.

00:22:40.000 And when we were friends, I was 15 and he was probably in his late 20s.

00:22:45.000 And we were training together.

00:22:47.000 We were doing martial arts together.

00:22:48.000 And I would just do impressions of our friends.

00:22:53.000 And he was like, you should be a comedian. 0.99

00:22:55.000 And I was like, get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:22:56.000 There's no way, man. 1.00

00:22:57.000 I was like, look, I say fucked up things that you think are funny because you're fucked up too. 1.00

00:23:03.000 I'm like, regular people are going to think I'm an asshole. 1.00

00:23:05.000 I just wanted to make people laugh that were around me. 0.97

00:23:09.000 And then I went to an open mic night, and then I realized, oh, this is like martial arts.

00:23:16.000 There's a whole process of learning.

00:23:18.000 I didn't think of it that way.

00:23:19.000 I thought people were just really good.

00:23:20.000 Yeah.

00:23:21.000 You know what I mean?

00:23:22.000 Like, hey, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

00:23:24.000 And he just gets up and talks.

00:23:26.000 Yeah.

00:23:26.000 When I was senior in high school, this girl that I was dating, we went to see Jerry Seinfeld at The Paradise.

00:23:31.000 It was this big club in Boston.

00:23:34.000 And I remember sitting there thinking, like, this guy is incredible.

00:23:37.000 He's just talking.

00:23:38.000 And all these people are laughing.

00:23:40.000 Like, this is amazing.

00:23:41.000 What a crazy ability to do that.

00:23:43.000 You know?

00:23:44.000 And just, wow, blew me away.

00:23:46.000 And then a couple years later, I was doing it.

00:23:48.000 It's weird.

00:23:49.000 Yeah.

00:23:49.000 It is.

00:23:52.000 I would love to see a picture of you in that crowd that night, never having been on stage with a mic, and then look at you now.

00:23:59.000 It's just so crazy, those moments of like...

00:24:03.000 In your life where you were at a Jerry Seinfeld show going, whoa!

00:24:07.000 I could never do that!

00:24:09.000 Joe Rogan, that's so nuts!

00:24:11.000 It was weird.

00:24:12.000 And now you're...

00:24:13.000 You and Jerry Seinfeld, to me, are one in the same...

00:24:16.000 That's the same...

00:24:18.000 So that's cool.

00:24:19.000 But what I'm saying is that...

00:24:21.000 You need these people.

00:24:23.000 Early on, you need to be...

00:24:24.000 I would never have done stand-up comedy had someone not been like, you should be a comedian.

00:24:27.000 I was desperate for anyone to give me any kind of direction.

00:24:31.000 And then one person says it, one ophthalmologist says it, and then it becomes your career.

00:24:36.000 And that's why I always try to just tell...

00:24:39.000 When I see people like something in someone, I try to say that because you don't know if you're the one person that's going to get them to go do it.

00:24:45.000 I do that too.

00:24:46.000 I've tried to talk like a hundred people into being comedians.

00:24:48.000 Yeah?

00:24:49.000 Yeah.

00:24:50.000 I always try to tell friends that I have that are funny.

00:24:52.000 I'm like, you should just try it.

00:24:54.000 Just go up at an open mic night and give it a shot.

00:24:56.000 I always just say, do it.

00:24:58.000 If you want to do it, do it now because you're going to do it eventually and you're going to regret not doing it sooner.

00:25:03.000 You might not do it.

00:25:04.000 There was this nurse that used to work at this doctor's office that I go to. 1.00

00:25:07.000 She was fucking hilarious. 1.00

00:25:09.000 And I was always telling her, listen to me. 1.00

00:25:11.000 You should fucking do comedy. 0.99

00:25:13.000 You really should try it. 0.99

00:25:14.000 And she never did it.

00:25:16.000 I went there for years.

00:25:18.000 And she thought about doing it.

00:25:19.000 She said, I'm going to come to open mic night.

00:25:20.000 I go, tell me when you're going.

00:25:21.000 I'll go.

00:25:22.000 I'll go.

00:25:22.000 I'll meet you there.

00:25:24.000 I'll help you.

00:25:25.000 I'll introduce you to the whole process.

00:25:27.000 I'll show you how it works.

00:25:28.000 I'll show you there's a sign up.

00:25:30.000 People go up.

00:25:31.000 Listen.

00:25:32.000 She's not meant to do it.

00:25:33.000 Well, it's like, what's that expression?

00:25:35.000 You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink?

00:25:38.000 Yep.

00:25:38.000 Yeah.

00:25:39.000 I know. 1.00

00:25:40.000 But I think you have to be fucked up to want that kind of rejection and humiliation that we got in the early days. 0.99

00:25:49.000 Like, the early days... 1.00

00:25:51.000 People see you now.

00:25:53.000 You go up in the main room.

00:25:54.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki Glaser.

00:25:56.000 Clap, clap, laugh.

00:25:57.000 Thank you.

00:25:58.000 Good night.

00:25:58.000 Seems like fun.

00:25:59.000 Hey, that seems like a great gig. 0.99

00:26:01.000 But see you when you're an open-miker and you're around all those fucking psychopaths that are signing up for open mics. 1.00

00:26:07.000 They're all smelly and creepy. 1.00

00:26:09.000 Stanford and Sons in Kansas City.

00:26:10.000 That's where I started, dude.

00:26:11.000 Oh my god!

00:26:12.000 I heard Craig just died recently.

00:26:14.000 I know.

00:26:15.000 We used to call him Beetlejuice because he talked to you like this.

00:26:17.000 Hey, Nicky.

00:26:17.000 Nicky, you want to really work here?

00:26:19.000 Come sit on Craig's lap, Uncle Craigie.

00:26:21.000 Yep.

00:26:22.000 That takes me right back, dude.

00:26:24.000 Yeah.

00:26:24.000 We started there.

00:26:25.000 That was a fun gig.

00:26:26.000 It was a fun gig.

00:26:27.000 I used to love that place.

00:26:30.000 Classic road gig, just seedy, didn't know if you were going to get paid the full amount.

00:26:36.000 Good shows too, rowdy, drunk.

00:26:39.000 Kansas City's a fun place.

00:26:40.000 It was a fun place.

00:26:41.000 I was just there a couple weeks ago and I did some crazy outdoor place.

00:26:46.000 Some outdoor amphitheater.

00:26:48.000 It was awesome.

00:26:49.000 Oh, that's good.

00:26:49.000 Yeah, it was really weird.

00:26:51.000 It's not always great.

00:26:52.000 I didn't even know it was outdoor until we got there.

00:26:55.000 You have one of those gigs where you're like, I didn't read any of the emails about this.

00:27:00.000 I didn't pay attention to anything.

00:27:02.000 It was me and Santino.

00:27:03.000 Santino was like, I think this is outside. 0.95

00:27:05.000 I was like, get the fuck out of here. 0.97

00:27:06.000 It's not outside. 0.95

00:27:07.000 Oh, it's outside.

00:27:09.000 It was strange.

00:27:11.000 Yeah, it started in Kansas City.

00:27:14.000 I've been relating it recently.

00:27:16.000 I'm working on a bit about encouraging people early on because I do look at the people that told me you should be a comedian right before I tried it because I was going to be an actress and then I was like...

00:27:26.000 I'm not really good at this, and I don't care enough to get good at it.

00:27:31.000 I see what it takes to be great at being an actress, and I was just like, I don't want to do that.

00:27:36.000 But then someone was like, you're funny, you should try stand-up, and then that was like, oh, I care enough about this to go through the worst of it and get good.

00:27:44.000 But I've been exploring recently on stage blowjobs I've been talking through, and I think it's the same thing because I'm not great at them.

00:27:54.000 I've never been like, wow, you're the best at this. 0.98

00:27:57.000 And I've never been a girl who's like, I love giving blowjobs. 1.00

00:28:00.000 And I've always heard girls, there are some girls that say that, like, I love sucking dick. 1.00

00:28:04.000 And I've always been like... 1.00

00:28:05.000 Do they say that to you or do they say that to guys?

00:28:08.000 They say it just out there. 0.70

00:28:11.000 And I've always called bullshit on it because I just think it's like you're just serving a guy and there's no way that you can enjoy it. 0.56

00:28:17.000 Like it's not that comfortable of a thing, but maybe you get some, what's the compersion where you enjoy someone else's? 0.94

00:28:23.000 Pleasure.

00:28:24.000 Yes.

00:28:24.000 So maybe it's that.

00:28:25.000 But now I realize that the difference between me and those girls is that those girls, the first time they gave a blowjob, I guarantee, or one of the first times, the guy was like, you're amazing at this. 0.75

00:28:37.000 You're really good at this because when a girl is told or anyone is told early on the first time they do something they're like, you have a natural talent at this. 0.76

00:28:46.000 You go, I do?

00:28:48.000 And then you do it again and again because you're like, I'm good at this.

00:28:51.000 This is my thing.

00:28:52.000 And then you get good at it and you're like, it's my thing. 0.97

00:28:55.000 But no one ever said that to me about blowjobs early on.

00:28:58.000 It was always just kind of like a means to an end.

00:29:01.000 And I feel like if someone would have just been like lied to me.

00:29:04.000 So I am...

00:29:05.000 I ask guys now, like, just lie to every girl. 0.99

00:29:08.000 If you get a blowjob and it's, like, mediocre, just be like, you're the best at this ever. 0.99

00:29:11.000 Like, this is the best blowjob I've ever received. 0.99

00:29:13.000 Because she will be so—it'll make her feel good. 0.99

00:29:16.000 What's it gonna hurt that she thinks she's the best at this thing that she's not that great at?

00:29:19.000 But she'll do it a lot because she'll be like, I'm great at this, and this guy thinks I'm the greatest at it.

00:29:23.000 So she'll do it a lot.

00:29:24.000 And then by doing a lot, she'll get better, and then everyone wins.

00:29:29.000 Yeah, maybe. 1.00

00:29:31.000 Or she could just suck a lot of dicks and people will lie to her. 1.00

00:29:34.000 And then her self-esteem gets shattered if she runs into the one dude and says, who the fuck told you you're good at this? 1.00

00:29:42.000 Everybody told me I was great. 1.00

00:29:43.000 No, no, you're not good at this at all.

00:29:45.000 It's all teeth and you're always choking.

00:29:47.000 This is crazy.

00:29:48.000 But maybe even a girl that is really good at them can meet a guy that's like, you're terrible, because everyone likes different styles.

00:29:55.000 So I think that you run that risk regardless. 0.99

00:29:58.000 Maybe some guys just like really bad blowjobs, right? 0.99

00:30:00.000 Like some guys like blowjobs from someone who seems like they've never done it before. 0.98

00:30:04.000 That way they don't feel like they're the 90th in line. 0.97

00:30:06.000 Oh, that's a really good point, Joe. 0.99

00:30:08.000 You could be into a blowjob that's kind of apprehensive and like, what am I doing? 0.99

00:30:13.000 How does this work? 0.99

00:30:13.000 Like a virginal type situation. 0.99

00:30:16.000 Yeah, she's putting on an act. 0.99

00:30:17.000 She's got pigtails on. 1.00

00:30:19.000 Schoolgirl outfit.

00:30:20.000 What am I doing?

00:30:21.000 Wait, what do you teach?

00:30:23.000 What do you do with this?

00:30:24.000 Are you sure? 0.81

00:30:24.000 Oh my god, my friend recently, because we've talked a lot about, me and my friend have talked a lot about how we just are insecure that we're bad at blowjobs and we've taken classes at Babeland or all these things. 0.81

00:30:34.000 Wait, wait, [... 0.98

00:30:36.000 They give out classes on how to give blowjobs? 1.00

00:30:39.000 Who's teaching the classes? 0.99

00:30:41.000 Girls or guys? 0.77

00:30:42.000 I think it was like a gay guy and a woman together.

00:30:45.000 That's the move. 0.95

00:30:45.000 A gay guy. 0.95

00:30:45.000 That's what I was thinking. 0.95

00:30:46.000 A gay guy should know how to suck a dick because he has one. 1.00

00:30:49.000 I've read everything. 1.00

00:30:51.000 I've watched tutorials.

00:30:52.000 I just, it's just not getting through to me.

00:30:54.000 I just, I haven't, I try, and I'm not like bad at them.

00:30:58.000 Like, I don't think I'm bad at them, but I just, I think I always was apprehensive because I think the first thing I heard about blowjobs was that the first complaint I would hear around me was too much teeth.

00:31:08.000 And I've always had like really big teeth.

00:31:10.000 And so I'm like...

00:31:11.000 I have big teeth.

00:31:13.000 They're not abnormal.

00:31:14.000 But I always just was like...

00:31:16.000 I had buck teeth as a kid, so people always called me a beaver.

00:31:19.000 I was like, my teeth are going to get in the way of this.

00:31:22.000 So immediately, that was my biggest issue.

00:31:24.000 And then you learn that that's easy to work around.

00:31:27.000 And then... 0.99

00:31:29.000 So anyway, but my friend said that she learned this new trick where when she's hooking up, she'll do a roleplay of like, will you teach me how to do a blowjob? 0.99

00:31:37.000 But she's actually like wanting them to teach her. 0.95

00:31:39.000 And so it's a hot thing where like she gets to roleplay, but she honestly doesn't know and gets and then the guy tells her exactly what to do. 0.97

00:31:47.000 And then if she messes up, it's like part of the character as opposed to her being bad at blowjobs. 1.00

00:31:52.000 So that's my next thing I'm going to try, I think. 0.85

00:31:54.000 So the guy's invested in the project.

00:31:57.000 Yeah, and if you mess up, that's part of your character.

00:32:00.000 You're just being good at the roleplay.

00:32:02.000 It's not because you're innately bad at blown drops. 1.00

00:32:04.000 But then when you break up, you're like, listen, asshole, I sucked a hundred dicks before you. 1.00

00:32:07.000 I knew exactly what I was doing. 1.00

00:32:08.000 I was trying to make you feel better, you fucking loser. 1.00

00:32:11.000 By the way, they were all bigger than yours. 1.00

00:32:13.000 All of them.

00:32:15.000 Exactly.

00:32:16.000 Yeah.

00:32:16.000 It's, um...

00:32:18.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:32:19.000 I have a lot of thoughts about sex, obviously.

00:32:22.000 Well, your act is very much like that.

00:32:24.000 It is, but it's... 0.78

00:32:25.000 And I hate being pegged, no pun intended, as, like, a sex comic, but, like, I don't...

00:32:33.000 Because I just did this ABC show, Dancing with the Stars, and the whole time I'm trying to be on my very best behavior because I want to play the game.

00:32:41.000 I don't want to be the sex girl. 1.00

00:32:43.000 You didn't want to get kicked off on the first episode. 0.88

00:32:45.000 Yeah!

00:32:45.000 I don't want to offend children watching at home.

00:32:48.000 I'm never talking about sex so people go, ooh, she's... 1.00

00:32:51.000 You do nightclub comedy.

00:32:52.000 You're there for adults.

00:32:53.000 Well, I'm just talking about what I want to talk about, obviously.

00:32:56.000 We all know that.

00:32:58.000 But I think sometimes people are like, you're the sex comic.

00:33:00.000 It's like, I just think that's the most interesting topic right now.

00:33:03.000 That's why I'm talking about it.

00:33:04.000 That becomes a problem, right?

00:33:06.000 You get labeled.

00:33:08.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:33:08.000 It sucks. 0.99

00:33:09.000 Because I have ambition beyond being a comedian who talks about sex. 0.99

00:33:13.000 But already I've brought it there with you because it is my wheelhouse.

00:33:17.000 I'm most comfortable talking about it.

00:33:18.000 It's fun to talk about.

00:33:20.000 I have a lot of opinions about it.

00:33:21.000 But I was trying to behave myself so much on Dancing with the Stars because I don't want to be labeled as that.

00:33:29.000 And I also was like, didn't have sex until I was 21. Really?

00:33:33.000 Yeah, I was not like...

00:33:34.000 How come?

00:33:34.000 And then I didn't because I was...

00:33:37.000 All through high school, I was just, like, scared of guys.

00:33:39.000 I don't know why.

00:33:40.000 I was just scared of intimacy, scared of boys.

00:33:42.000 Couldn't, didn't kiss a boy until I was 17. And even then, it was, like, one-shot deal, and then I didn't do it for years.

00:33:48.000 And then I got an eating disorder, which, like, pushed men away because I looked like a skeleton.

00:33:52.000 And then as soon as I was able, then I had sex, but it was years and years, until I started, like, drinking, I couldn't have sex. 0.64

00:34:02.000 And then I quit drinking and I couldn't have sex again.

00:34:05.000 Think about how many people have gotten laid because of booze.

00:34:08.000 Everyone.

00:34:09.000 It's stunning.

00:34:10.000 Joe. 0.98

00:34:10.000 Do you remember when there was this ridiculous time just a few years ago where they were trying to push this narrative that if you have sex with someone who's been drinking that you're a rapist? 0.98

00:34:18.000 Even if you're drinking too. 0.94

00:34:20.000 This is this like weird third wave feminist nonsense where there were like adults, like two grown adults have a couple of drinks. 1.00

00:34:27.000 You're not supposed to do that because they can't consent because they're drinking. 0.91

00:34:31.000 And so people were literally calling people and accusing people of rape because they had sex with each other while they were both drunk.

00:34:38.000 No.

00:34:39.000 Well, it was a real weird time and they've abandoned it because it's so preposterous and the pushback was so hard.

00:34:47.000 But you're responsible for yourself every other time when you're drunk.

00:34:51.000 If you're driving, you're responsible.

00:34:53.000 If you get in a fight, you're responsible.

00:34:54.000 You're responsible during all those things.

00:34:57.000 But somehow or another, if you and a person are exchanging pleasure Then you are not responsible for your actions and you can't consent to that because you've been drinking.

00:35:06.000 And then it becomes rape. 1.00

00:35:07.000 And it's only, really only rape in the case of the guy.

00:35:11.000 It's never rape, like a girl raped a guy because the guy was drunk.

00:35:14.000 Right.

00:35:14.000 Even though I know stories of where that's happened, where a guy wakes up from a blackout and a girl is...

00:35:21.000 Sucking his dick. 1.00

00:35:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:35:22.000 And he's like, hey, do I know you? 1.00

00:35:24.000 If it was the other way around, that's rape. 1.00

00:35:28.000 But obviously, it's not the same.

00:35:31.000 No, and no one would be having sex if we didn't have alcohol.

00:35:36.000 Like, so few people.

00:35:37.000 It'd be a lot less people.

00:35:38.000 So few people. 0.86

00:35:39.000 It'd be like 30% of the people having sex. 0.99

00:35:42.000 Dude, think about casual sex.

00:35:44.000 That's my whole point right now is like, I can't have, I'm like single. 0.98

00:35:47.000 I can't even have casual sex because I'm sober.

00:35:49.000 So how long you been sober?

00:35:51.000 It'll be seven years in December from alcohol.

00:35:53.000 Whoa.

00:35:53.000 Yeah.

00:35:54.000 Whoa.

00:35:54.000 Yeah.

00:35:55.000 And before then, I was hooking up a left And right.

00:35:59.000 It was so fun. 0.54

00:36:00.000 I was blacking out just to have sex because I was scared of intimacy.

00:36:04.000 I'm realizing all of this now.

00:36:05.000 Do you go through therapy the whole deal?

00:36:07.000 You doing all that jazz?

00:36:08.000 Yeah, I go through therapy.

00:36:08.000 I work on myself constantly.

00:36:10.000 I meditate.

00:36:10.000 I do all the things.

00:36:12.000 And I don't know if I'm any...

00:36:13.000 I am better for it, but...

00:36:16.000 I realize that I'm not having sex, and it's not fun.

00:36:20.000 I'm hooking up with ex-boyfriends, which, you know, that's because there's no pressure there of like, this is new, and am I going to catch feelings?

00:36:27.000 It's like they've already been had, or they'll bubble up again.

00:36:31.000 You just get to scratch an itch.

00:36:33.000 Yes.

00:36:34.000 But having like new sex casually, like I just can't, I can't even imagine doing that.

00:36:41.000 But I had so much when I drank because it just makes everything easier.

00:36:45.000 Yeah.

00:36:45.000 And I used to just...

00:36:48.000 And I ask the crowd sometimes, I'm like, have you guys ever, who here has had sex for the first time with someone where both of you were stone cold sober? 0.63

00:36:57.000 First time sex.

00:36:58.000 Literally two people raised their hand in the main room. 0.99

00:37:02.000 Porn stars. 0.84

00:37:03.000 Exactly. 0.72

00:37:03.000 No, you're so right! 0.72

00:37:06.000 No one, listening at home right now, wherever you are, have you ever had sex for the first time with someone where you're both sober?

00:37:12.000 It doesn't happen in our society.

00:37:14.000 Well, alcohol gets abused, for sure, but it also gets used.

00:37:18.000 Used correctly.

00:37:19.000 There's good things to alcohol.

00:37:21.000 I think it's a technology that alleviates a lot of your inhibitions and it makes people feel better.

00:37:25.000 I miss it.

00:37:27.000 For that reason. 0.99

00:37:28.000 Are you an addict?

00:37:29.000 I mean, is it possible that you could drink a little bit?

00:37:33.000 I'd be fine drinking a little bit.

00:37:34.000 I know I would.

00:37:35.000 That's the first thing you say before you wake up in the gutter.

00:37:38.000 Exactly.

00:37:39.000 You know, I just like...

00:37:40.000 I know how I am with weed and I have to...

00:37:43.000 I start out and I go, I'll just get high as a treat.

00:37:47.000 Right.

00:37:47.000 You know, after a set.

00:37:49.000 And then I go, it'd be fun to be high for this set.

00:37:52.000 And then it's like, it'd be fun to be high when I wake up in the morning.

00:37:55.000 And so it always...

00:37:57.000 Snowballs into I'm high all day, and then I have to go, okay, sober October, and I quit for a month, and then I build it back up again.

00:38:04.000 Is that what you're doing right now with weed?

00:38:05.000 Like you say you're sober, so you're sober with alcohol, but you smoke a little weed?

00:38:08.000 But I smoke a little weed, and I've gone years in this seven years of not smoking weed, but I'm back on it. 0.98

00:38:14.000 I quit for Dancing with the Stars because my short-term memory was shit, and you can't learn dance steps when you're high. 0.97

00:38:20.000 I thought it might, like, help me. 0.99

00:38:22.000 No.

00:38:23.000 But no.

00:38:24.000 I think if you already knew it, if you had it locked in your memory, then it would be good, because you'd feel it more.

00:38:30.000 Yes.

00:38:31.000 But it was terrible for me.

00:38:34.000 So I quit for three weeks, and the second I got eliminated, I started again.

00:38:39.000 So it's been a week of me smoking weed again, and it's already like...

00:38:44.000 It's, you know, the snowball effect is in play.

00:38:47.000 But weed does not derail my work ethic.

00:38:50.000 It makes me work out more.

00:38:52.000 It makes me think in a different creative way.

00:38:55.000 And it eventually impedes me, when it starts to interfere with my voice, if I start getting hoarse more.

00:39:02.000 Because I'm doing radio every morning.

00:39:04.000 Does it make you hoarse?

00:39:05.000 Yeah, because I just like, I don't know how to inhale or something.

00:39:09.000 Why don't you use edibles?

00:39:11.000 I do, but those aren't...

00:39:12.000 I like to feel it in my lungs and feel it immediately.

00:39:16.000 If there was an immediate edible, I'd do it.

00:39:20.000 What about vaporizers?

00:39:21.000 I like those too, but again, those fuck up my voice too.

00:39:26.000 I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

00:39:28.000 But with alcohol, I will say I just could see it snowballing into a point where I would quit again.

00:39:37.000 But I've never...

00:39:40.000 I miss drinking a lot for the sex thing, for the dancing thing.

00:39:43.000 Just dancing to music in general is more fun.

00:39:46.000 Right, if you're drunk.

00:39:48.000 Just life, like first two drinks, like life is pretty great.

00:39:52.000 Yeah, couple of drinks, yeah.

00:39:54.000 You feel good.

00:39:54.000 Sending text messages I don't want to send, reaching out to guys I don't want to talk to in the morning, all of that anxiety.

00:40:01.000 The hangover.

00:40:02.000 That's what I'm avoiding is the hangover.

00:40:03.000 And with weed, I don't have a hangover.

00:40:05.000 Yeah.

00:40:06.000 Do you get hangovers?

00:40:07.000 Yeah, from weed?

00:40:08.000 No.

00:40:08.000 No, but from booze, sure.

00:40:10.000 And does it make you want to quit and question everything?

00:40:13.000 I mean, how do you keep your drinking in check?

00:40:17.000 I've never had a problem with drinking.

00:40:20.000 It's never been like, God, I need a drink.

00:40:25.000 Sober October was the first time I did absolutely nothing for a whole month.

00:40:29.000 I didn't smoke a joint.

00:40:30.000 I didn't do mushrooms.

00:40:33.000 Nothing.

00:40:35.000 Wasn't that hard.

00:40:36.000 What was interesting about it was the dreams, first of all, because the dreams come hard and fast when you're off the weed.

00:40:45.000 Because apparently I talked to this guy, Dr. Matthew Walker, who's a dream specialist, and he was on the podcast discussing the importance of sleep, sleep specialists, I should say.

00:40:56.000 But he was saying that marijuana impedes certain aspects of REM sleep, which is when you do all your dreaming. 0.98

00:41:03.000 So when you get off the marijuana, your brain apparently makes up for lost time and hits you with some crazy fucking dreams. 0.99

00:41:12.000 Talking frogs and fucking unicorns and roller coasters that go straight to heaven and like fucking bananas dreams. 1.00

00:41:20.000 Did you have that? 1.00

00:41:21.000 Are you having that?

00:41:22.000 Oh my god.

00:41:23.000 Well, the thing is, this time for Sober October, I was way tapered off.

00:41:30.000 By the time this rolled around.

00:41:32.000 Like I smoked a little pot in Toronto on Saturday, but I mean a little.

00:41:36.000 Like I took like one or two hits.

00:41:38.000 I had a drink, maybe two drinks.

00:41:41.000 I think I had one drink when I went on stage and then I had a couple glasses of wine after the show.

00:41:47.000 We went out to this restaurant after the show.

00:41:50.000 But yeah, this was an easy one.

00:41:54.000 But I think I slowed down after last year.

00:41:59.000 I think doing that Sober October thing made me realize, like, hmm, there's like some...

00:42:05.000 I'm of that school, unfortunately, that all my favorite...

00:42:11.000 Comics did drugs.

00:42:12.000 All of them.

00:42:13.000 Hicks, Kinison, Pryor.

00:42:16.000 Everyone did drugs.

00:42:17.000 They were all, I mean, Pryor was coke.

00:42:19.000 I've never touched coke, but Kinison was coke, too.

00:42:22.000 But Hicks was more psychedelics and, I mean, he did coke and alcohol and a lot of other stuff before. 0.99

00:42:27.000 But there was, there was all, they were all like these wild fucks. 0.94

00:42:30.000 Like, Ron White is a good friend of mine. 0.99

00:42:32.000 Always drunk.

00:42:33.000 And there's like this part of that life that That, you know, it's so attractive because it's just like this wild, loose, carefree, rebellious, figured-out-tomorrow life.

00:42:45.000 And that's the life of the comic.

00:42:48.000 But I realized, like, after last year's Sober October, that there's...

00:42:53.000 A lot of that stuff you could do if you're sober.

00:42:56.000 I think, as I said, you can abuse alcohol, but you can also use it.

00:43:02.000 You can use it.

00:43:03.000 You can have a couple drinks and feel good, and you enjoy the moment more.

00:43:07.000 There's something...

00:43:09.000 There's something to it, but it's really a matter of your own personality and discipline It's like how much and how much of an addict are you like what how much what is it?

00:43:20.000 What holes are missing in your brain that get filled up with that booze and that like once you take the booze away, there's like this gaping Chasm that you need to fill you know, what is that?

00:43:33.000 And you gotta figure out who you are.

00:43:35.000 Because I know some people that can't have anything.

00:43:37.000 They have one drink and then they're off to the races and they're doing meth.

00:43:40.000 Yeah, that's not me, but it's...

00:43:43.000 I just...

00:43:45.000 I would get blackout drunk a lot.

00:43:49.000 And, like, after a couple beers.

00:43:52.000 Like...

00:43:52.000 Were you less secure then than you are now?

00:43:56.000 Yeah, way less secure.

00:43:58.000 But I think being sober has helped me become more secure.

00:44:01.000 Because you're forced to be in the moment?

00:44:03.000 Yeah.

00:44:03.000 I worry about my depression, too.

00:44:07.000 With adding booze onto depression, which I feel like I have a good handle of right now, I just don't want to lose it.

00:44:14.000 Because I think that...

00:44:16.000 I don't know.

00:44:17.000 Obviously, alcohol is a depressant.

00:44:21.000 I get really, really depressed in a dangerous way where I'm like, I got to watch it.

00:44:29.000 I got to be vigilant about meditating every day to keep my depression at bay.

00:44:33.000 So what do you think that is?

00:44:35.000 Do you think that's a genetic thing?

00:44:37.000 Do you think it runs in your family?

00:44:38.000 I think it must run in my family.

00:44:40.000 I think we have stuff that I haven't even, like, found out.

00:44:44.000 Like, there's some suspicious deaths in my family that I'm like, was that...

00:44:48.000 Suicide?

00:44:48.000 Yeah.

00:44:49.000 You know, where I'm like, I think it's...

00:44:51.000 Describe how it feels.

00:44:52.000 Like, what does your depression feel like?

00:44:54.000 It feels like...

00:44:56.000 It honestly...

00:44:58.000 I get suicidal thoughts.

00:45:01.000 Not like...

00:45:02.000 I just... 1.00

00:45:03.000 I should kill myself. 1.00

00:45:04.000 It's like, kill yourself. 1.00

00:45:05.000 It would be fun to kill yourself. 1.00

00:45:07.000 It would be fun. 1.00

00:45:08.000 Literally soothing.

00:45:09.000 It soothes me to think about killing myself when I'm in my worst depressive stages.

00:45:17.000 I compare it to sniffles when you're getting a cold.

00:45:19.000 I have a little thought. 1.00

00:45:21.000 I'll go, oh, shoot yourself in the head. 1.00

00:45:23.000 It literally comes into my head like a sniffle where you're like, oh god, I'm getting sick again. 1.00

00:45:28.000 Okay, I gotta meditate now.

00:45:30.000 And then I'll be fine.

00:45:32.000 Literally, it's like that.

00:45:35.000 What's before the shoot yourself?

00:45:39.000 Nothing?

00:45:40.000 Nothing.

00:45:40.000 And that's the problem.

00:45:43.000 It just is...

00:45:44.000 You know, it can be...

00:45:48.000 Maybe it's circumstantial a little bit, like maybe I'm feeling lonely that day, or I didn't get a thing that I wanted, or I... But I really do think it's like the weather.

00:45:59.000 I just can't even describe it.

00:46:01.000 I remember Sarah Silverman talking about her depression.

00:46:02.000 It's like just a cloud comes over you and you're just like, oh, well, here it comes.

00:46:06.000 And that's kind of how it feels.

00:46:07.000 And I totally have it under control when I'm meditating every day.

00:46:11.000 I don't get a single one of those thoughts.

00:46:13.000 But if I skip a day, if I don't do TM one day, those thoughts, they come in.

00:46:19.000 And then if I... And then if you get into a real bad spot, those thoughts start...

00:46:26.000 And I've never even so much as made an attempt or even planned to make an attempt.

00:46:30.000 It's never gotten to that even close to that for me.

00:46:33.000 But I realize that these are the same kind of thoughts that people that end up doing this start with.

00:46:38.000 There's some kind of...

00:46:44.000 People who love me and care about me get so upset when I talk about this, but I think that more people struggle with these thoughts than talk about, so I'm eager to share it because I don't think I'm ever going to kill myself, and I don't think that that's...

00:46:55.000 But I think that, like a lot of people, I'm at risk.

00:46:59.000 And I don't think that people talk about that enough.

00:47:03.000 Because I do have these thoughts.

00:47:05.000 And it's not even like I go, what can I do to make myself feel better?

00:47:08.000 Oh, I could kill myself. 1.00

00:47:09.000 It literally is like, kill yourself. 1.00

00:47:10.000 It's like a little voice or something. 0.99

00:47:12.000 And I've struggled with mental illness before.

00:47:14.000 I mean, I had anorexia where it was like, don't eat.

00:47:16.000 And you're like, where's that?

00:47:17.000 Who's that?

00:47:18.000 But it's a voice.

00:47:19.000 Did you have don't eat because you thought you were overweight or don't eat because you thought you'd be more attractive if you looked like a rail?

00:47:28.000 Or was it vague?

00:47:30.000 Was the direction vague or was it just like an obsession?

00:47:34.000 It started out like, you know, high school.

00:47:38.000 I should be skinny.

00:47:39.000 Everyone should be skinny. 0.99

00:47:40.000 I wanted to be famous someday, and I idolized everyone in the magazines.

00:47:47.000 The whole classic thing of looking literally in magazines and being like, I want to look like that.

00:47:51.000 I hate pinching my sides, being like...

00:47:53.000 If I'm not like that, then I'm worthless.

00:47:55.000 Having a mom who constantly hated her body was skinnier than me and constantly said she was fat and things like that. 0.98

00:48:01.000 You have things modeled for you.

00:48:03.000 So I grew up thinking, skinny equals more lovable.

00:48:08.000 And then I lost weight just because my senior year I lost weight because a boy liked me that I liked, who I liked back, and I was very nervous about it.

00:48:15.000 You know when you just get nervous so you don't eat that day?

00:48:18.000 And I had a date with this guy.

00:48:20.000 It was my first date ever.

00:48:21.000 And that day I didn't eat because I was just nervous.

00:48:23.000 And then the next day it showed up on me because someone goes, you look great.

00:48:27.000 What's going on?

00:48:28.000 And I was like, oh, I just didn't eat yesterday.

00:48:30.000 I can do that again.

00:48:32.000 So it's basically the same thing as saying, you're really funny.

00:48:35.000 You've got a talent for that.

00:48:36.000 You're open to suggestion.

00:48:38.000 I'm really good.

00:48:39.000 You could join a cult.

00:48:40.000 Dude, I know.

00:48:42.000 I'm scared of it.

00:48:44.000 The thing is, I am open to suggestion, but the thing is, I am good at losing weight.

00:48:49.000 I can stick to a diet and I can black and white things.

00:48:54.000 I can say, I'm not drinking for seven...

00:48:55.000 I can quit things.

00:48:57.000 I can quit eating.

00:48:58.000 And I have good will.

00:49:00.000 It's like willpower.

00:49:01.000 And I learned that like, oh, for the first time, like I could do this.

00:49:04.000 And so I just stopped eating.

00:49:06.000 And then for a while, you get like super hot.

00:49:09.000 Like I was very popular for a couple weeks.

00:49:11.000 And then for a hot second, I was hot for a second.

00:49:14.000 And then I got so scary skinny.

00:49:16.000 And then I couldn't stop.

00:49:18.000 Oh.

00:49:18.000 You were just like, I go, I don't, everyone's like, hey, you looked great like a week ago.

00:49:22.000 Like right now, it's like kind of of concern.

00:49:24.000 And I'm like, well, I don't know what to do because if I eat, I'll just get fat again.

00:49:28.000 And so I just, this is all I know now.

00:49:30.000 And then it becomes, if you eat, you're weak.

00:49:32.000 And then it becomes obsessive compulsive.

00:49:34.000 And then it's not even about being thin anymore because you look in the mirror. 0.99

00:49:37.000 And I would look in the mirror and go like, you're disgusting. 0.90

00:49:39.000 Like I looked like I... I look like Holocaust pictures. 0.98

00:49:43.000 That's how bad I looked.

00:49:44.000 Do you have photos of yourself from back then?

00:49:46.000 Yeah.

00:49:46.000 Do you keep to make sure that you don't ever get back to that spot again?

00:49:49.000 I won't ever get back to that spot again because I'm too vain to do that now.

00:49:53.000 And I know when I see it coming, it's the same way of pot.

00:49:56.000 When I see it starting to interfere with my life, I go, okay, you need to stop smoking pot.

00:50:01.000 And when I see myself get too skinny now, I'm like, okay, you need to stop working out.

00:50:04.000 So you're like chaos, but you kind of have a handle on it.

00:50:06.000 No, I totally have a handle on it.

00:50:08.000 I won't ever be anorexic or die of depression. 0.99

00:50:11.000 Or drink yourself to death. 0.96

00:50:13.000 No, I won't.

00:50:14.000 I'll go a different way, but those things aren't going to get me because they almost got me before.

00:50:19.000 I mean, anorexia, I should have died.

00:50:22.000 I was going to die from it.

00:50:23.000 And I planned on dying from it. 0.56

00:50:25.000 You planned on dying from it.

00:50:27.000 Yeah, because, Joe, I was starving. 0.98

00:50:30.000 It sucks to be starving.

00:50:31.000 But you planned on doing that? 0.96

00:50:32.000 Yeah, because I wanted to die.

00:50:34.000 How old were you at the time?

00:50:35.000 It was a slow suicide.

00:50:37.000 18. Jesus.

00:50:38.000 18, 19, 20, 21. How late did you get?

00:50:41.000 I was like...

00:50:43.000 I stopped weighing myself because it was so dangerous to get attached to a number, but the last time I remember weighing myself, I was 98 pounds.

00:50:51.000 That was when I was admitted to a psych ward when I was 18. And how tall are you?

00:50:55.000 I'm 5'9".

00:50:56.000 And what do you weigh now?

00:50:57.000 I'm 135 now and I'm skinny now.

00:51:01.000 So yeah, you're not heavy by any stretch of the imagination.

00:51:04.000 So you are 35 pounds lighter than this plus.

00:51:08.000 Yeah.

00:51:08.000 More.

00:51:09.000 That's crazy.

00:51:11.000 I was so thin.

00:51:14.000 I was so...

00:51:15.000 That's crazy.

00:51:16.000 Everywhere I went, people would point and whisper and talk.

00:51:19.000 It was one of those things where it was like, you know, you've seen girls out and about like that.

00:51:22.000 There's a lady that used to go to my yoga class that was terrifying. 1.00

00:51:25.000 Yeah.

00:51:25.000 She was so scary.

00:51:27.000 She looked like, I mean, she was a small person, too.

00:51:30.000 She was only like 5'1 or 5'2, and she looked like she probably weighed 80 pounds. 1.00

00:51:35.000 Yeah.

00:51:35.000 It was awful.

00:51:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:36.000 It's, and that's the way people, and I see girls like that now, and I do the same thing that people used to say to me, which is like, just eat a sandwich, bitch. 1.00

00:51:44.000 Like, what are you doing? 0.99

00:51:45.000 You can't.

00:51:46.000 I know you can't say that, but I don't even relate to the person I was when I wasn't eating, because The only way I can say is I could not eat.

00:51:54.000 It was almost like a protein shake.

00:51:59.000 It was like drinking poison.

00:52:00.000 I'm going to die if I drink this.

00:52:02.000 It was that hard to eat.

00:52:03.000 So how did you get out of it?

00:52:06.000 First of all, I was admitted to a hospital because I was going away to school.

00:52:10.000 I lost all this weight in a couple months.

00:52:12.000 It went away quickly for me and it got scary fast.

00:52:16.000 The school called my parents.

00:52:18.000 My parents were in denial because they didn't want to believe that their daughter was dying.

00:52:21.000 So they were concerned, but I was lying to them about, oh, I'm going out to eat.

00:52:27.000 I'm not going to be here for dinner tonight.

00:52:29.000 Just lying, lying, lying.

00:52:31.000 I went to the doctor to get a physical because I was going away to school in the fall.

00:52:35.000 This was July.

00:52:36.000 I went to go get a physical and my pulse, I have like a low pulse anyway.

00:52:40.000 What is it?

00:52:41.000 Bradycardia.

00:52:42.000 I think it's 37 to 42 resting.

00:52:45.000 You have an issue?

00:52:46.000 What is it called?

00:52:47.000 It's called Bradycardia.

00:52:48.000 It's just like a low resting pulse rate.

00:52:50.000 And you don't exercise?

00:52:52.000 No, I exercise a lot, but even when I don't exercise a lot, I still just have a low...

00:52:56.000 Do you do a lot of cardio?

00:52:57.000 I do a lot of cardio now, yeah.

00:52:59.000 That's a really elite athlete resting heart rate.

00:53:02.000 It's like Lance Armstrong.

00:53:03.000 I'm really proud of it, but I do nothing to support it.

00:53:06.000 I run every day, but not enough to boast that.

00:53:10.000 But it saved my life because I didn't know I had a low pulse rate.

00:53:14.000 But when I went in for this thing, this physical, the doctor clearly could see I was anorexic because they looked at me and weighed me.

00:53:22.000 But they didn't have any kind of data to keep me until they took my pulse.

00:53:29.000 And they were like, if you leave, you're going to die and you're going to be a liability to us because we know.

00:53:33.000 So you can't leave.

00:53:35.000 A 5150 or whatever it is where you're committed to a psych ward.

00:53:38.000 So I went in for a checkup, was taken on a golf cart to the other side of the hospital where I was checked into a psych ward.

00:53:48.000 Whoa.

00:53:49.000 And my mom's like, no, she's not.

00:53:51.000 And they're like, yes, she is.

00:53:52.000 And so I was admitted there and I had to stay there for a couple weeks, I think.

00:53:58.000 And then I lied to get out of it because I ate just enough to get out.

00:54:01.000 And then I went to school.

00:54:02.000 I convinced my parents I was okay to go away to school, which I wasn't.

00:54:06.000 Nearly died there, just starving myself and exercising too much.

00:54:10.000 But that is how I got out of it, was that So I wanted to die because I was hungry all the time. 0.99

00:54:16.000 Being hungry sucks. 0.97

00:54:17.000 And I couldn't eat. 0.97

00:54:18.000 I didn't know how to eat.

00:54:19.000 I didn't even know how to begin to eat.

00:54:21.000 So I was like, every night I would just pray that I wouldn't wake up.

00:54:24.000 Because I would go to bed freezing cold because you have no fat.

00:54:27.000 So you're cold.

00:54:28.000 You have to wake up.

00:54:29.000 I was going to school in Colorado.

00:54:30.000 I was ill-prepared for the weather.

00:54:32.000 And also I had no fat on my body.

00:54:33.000 It was an awful existence.

00:54:35.000 And then I did stand-up comedy for the first time.

00:54:38.000 As an anorexic?

00:54:39.000 Yeah, because when I went to school my freshman year, I was so crazy looking.

00:54:44.000 I was like the Nightmare Before Christmas Jack Skeleton.

00:54:51.000 Yeah, that is what I looked like. 0.99

00:54:52.000 I look at pictures and I'm like, how did you have friends, bitch? 1.00

00:54:55.000 But I did because I became really funny. 0.97

00:54:59.000 Because I wanted people to go, look over here, don't look at me.

00:55:02.000 So I just...

00:55:04.000 I was a shy kid in high school when I was not anorexic.

00:55:07.000 But then when I needed to make friends, because I went to school alone, I was like, oh, I'll just develop this really over-the-top personality so people don't notice that I'm so thin.

00:55:14.000 So that's when I became funny.

00:55:16.000 Really funny.

00:55:17.000 You know, I was always, like, dormantly funny.

00:55:19.000 But that's when I became, like, outwardly funny.

00:55:21.000 People started telling me I should be a comedian my freshman year.

00:55:23.000 I tried it.

00:55:24.000 I did it one time.

00:55:25.000 And then I was like, oh, I have a reason to live now.

00:55:27.000 Like, I have a purpose.

00:55:28.000 And that sounds so... 1.00

00:55:30.000 Stupid, like, cliche to say, like, oh, comedy gave me a reason to live. 1.00

00:55:34.000 But it really did because I didn't know what that... 1.00

00:55:36.000 I was like, if I'm going to...

00:55:37.000 What am I going to become a teacher?

00:55:38.000 I'm not passionate about that.

00:55:40.000 But this, I was like, okay.

00:55:41.000 So then I was like, I have to gain some weight if I'm going to now have a career.

00:55:45.000 So then I started...

00:55:47.000 I found a therapist.

00:55:48.000 I was like, I got to beat this.

00:55:49.000 I started reading books.

00:55:50.000 I found a therapist.

00:55:51.000 And I found this one therapist who told me the thing that really broke through, which was like...

00:55:57.000 When you have anorexia, everyone's like, just eat something.

00:56:00.000 Why don't you eat something?

00:56:00.000 And you feel very in control of it and you feel like you're the one to blame for it because you're the one that's choosing not to eat and you're the one that's choosing to exercise.

00:56:08.000 And so I felt all this shame about, like, why can't I cure myself?

00:56:14.000 Why am I giving myself this thing that's ruining my life?

00:56:17.000 And then this therapist was like, think of it as like cancer.

00:56:19.000 Like, you got sick.

00:56:21.000 Like something invaded your life and there is a demon inside you telling you don't eat.

00:56:26.000 And it's not you.

00:56:27.000 It's not you.

00:56:28.000 So don't listen to that voice.

00:56:29.000 And then as soon as I was able to like disassociate My illness from, like, it's my choice.

00:56:36.000 It's my doing.

00:56:37.000 I'm not eating.

00:56:38.000 And I was, like, able to see it as, like, the exorcist. 1.00

00:56:41.000 Like, that little girl has, like, a demon inside her that's like, don't eat, bitch. 1.00

00:56:44.000 Don't eat. 1.00

00:56:45.000 If you eat, you're weak.

00:56:46.000 As soon as I was able to go shut up voice, then I was able to eat again.

00:56:49.000 It was, like, one nugget of...

00:56:52.000 One way of perceiving my illness that was able for me to, like, crack it.

00:56:57.000 And then it took many years to, like...

00:56:59.000 And I still struggle with, you know...

00:57:03.000 Control issues over food, but I'll never be anorexic again.

00:57:06.000 But yeah, it was that.

00:57:07.000 It was a mixture of comedy and also therapy that got me out of it.

00:57:12.000 They say that with alcoholics, too, that that's one of the reasons why alcoholics, when they talk about it, they talk about it like it's a disease. 0.99

00:57:18.000 And people who aren't alcoholics, who are judgmental, go, it's not a fucking disease. 0.99

00:57:22.000 Cancer's a disease. 0.99

00:57:24.000 Leukemia's a disease.

00:57:25.000 You're just weak.

00:57:26.000 But if they treat it like it's a disease, then you can cure it. 1.00

00:57:30.000 But if you treat it like you're weak, then you just shit on yourself. 1.00

00:57:33.000 Like, ah, I'm weak. 1.00

00:57:34.000 I just want another drink.

00:57:36.000 Like, what is it about me?

00:57:37.000 Why do I need this booze?

00:57:39.000 And there's this weird cycle, this loop that goes on in your brain.

00:57:44.000 You know, like, I don't want to drink.

00:57:46.000 I don't want to drink. 0.99

00:57:47.000 Damn it, I drank. 0.99

00:57:47.000 I'm never going to drink again. 0.99

00:57:49.000 Fuck, I'm drinking again. 1.00

00:57:49.000 And then these people that just get completely out of control, one of the ways that helps them is to treat it like it's a disease. 1.00

00:57:57.000 Yeah, I think it was just a real...

00:58:01.000 A way that I'd never...

00:58:02.000 I had seen so many doctors, but until that one guy told me to think of it and like literally did the thing where he put a chair in the corner of the room and was like, talk to your disease.

00:58:11.000 Tell it what it's done to your life.

00:58:13.000 And I had to like...

00:58:14.000 And I go, this is...

00:58:15.000 I'm not doing this. 1.00

00:58:16.000 Fuck you for everything! 1.00

00:58:18.000 It took me 30 seconds until I was sobbing, screaming at this empty chair. 1.00

00:58:23.000 But it...

00:58:23.000 I mean, it worked.

00:58:25.000 Have you ever talked about this on stage?

00:58:26.000 No, it's so weird because I feel like I'm still too in it.

00:58:33.000 I don't know.

00:58:35.000 I want to be able to someday, and when I am able to, it'll be a real huge moment in my career and life.

00:58:41.000 But even me being able to talk about it on podcasts like this or in platforms like this is new to me still.

00:58:48.000 And I've done it before, but I just feel like...

00:58:54.000 I still suffer with so many of these things that I'm like, ugh, it's so weird to talk about it.

00:58:59.000 I like to have a little bit more distance.

00:59:01.000 Even though it's been...

00:59:02.000 I'm 34 now and I had anorexia when I was 18. I'm still like, it's still too new.

00:59:07.000 But sometimes things...

00:59:08.000 Well, 16 years seems like a long time.

00:59:11.000 I know.

00:59:11.000 But it goes by quick.

00:59:14.000 Happens very quick.

00:59:16.000 It's...

00:59:16.000 Yeah.

00:59:17.000 I just like to have...

00:59:20.000 I don't know what it is.

00:59:22.000 I think I'm still so angry about it and there's still pieces of it that I'm like, how did I get this and how did I have to save myself instead of someone else coming in and saving me?

00:59:34.000 Why didn't someone intervene before?

00:59:38.000 They can't though, can they?

00:59:40.000 I mean, now you know.

00:59:42.000 It's very hard for someone to convince someone you need to stop drinking or you need to get your shit together or you need to do this or you need to do that. 0.98

00:59:48.000 You need to hit your own bottom, I know. 0.75

00:59:51.000 But you know, I feel like, yeah, you just...

00:59:58.000 There's still just things about it that are really painful to me.

01:00:01.000 And I think that when I am dealing with something like that on stage, I think the pain still shows and I can't be funny with it yet because I'm still so angry.

01:00:10.000 I think I'm still just like angry about it because I also feel like I'm still a victim to body dysmorphia like crazy like that's my new thing.

01:00:20.000 We're like, I'll just see something in the mirror that I'm like, well, yesterday you felt the opposite. 0.63

01:00:25.000 I'll go from in a 24 hour time frame from being like, you're fat. 0.94

01:00:30.000 I'll like look in the mirror and be like, you're fat. 0.75

01:00:32.000 And then the next day I'll be like, you're too thin.

01:00:34.000 And I'm like, well, those two things can't be possible within 24 hours of themselves. 1.00

01:00:39.000 So you're crazy. 0.99

01:00:40.000 Right. 0.83

01:00:41.000 So, I mean, I'm still dealing with stuff like that, and I want to be on the other side of it and be able to tell girls, like, you're beautiful and your body doesn't matter, and it's what's up here that counts.

01:00:50.000 But I'm not there yet, so I don't know how to really talk about it.

01:00:57.000 Well, I don't think there's one way.

01:01:02.000 I think everybody's got their own weird thing that's causing them to have issues, whether it's to be an alcoholic or to be addicted to whatever you're addicted to.

01:01:13.000 You have to figure out the person and then figure out how this disease or whatever it is is sort of interfaced with that person.

01:01:22.000 And what is it that happened to you that made this This thing attractive, where it fits into your slots and distracts you from all the things that are freaking you the fuck out about your existence.

01:01:34.000 Yeah.

01:01:35.000 I mean, it is a coping mechanism.

01:01:38.000 It was so simple that like, oh, when people are anorexic, you tell them this and then they go, oh, okay.

01:01:44.000 I mean, if there was like a protocol that you could just Establish right away, oh, you just gotta take these steps and then you'll be fixed.

01:01:52.000 It doesn't work.

01:01:53.000 And they might work for some people.

01:01:56.000 You know what really doesn't help?

01:01:58.000 You know, it doesn't help that It's so prevalent.

01:02:03.000 There's so many people that have issues.

01:02:06.000 And the other way, too, there's people that are bodybuilders that are crazy that can't get big enough.

01:02:12.000 It's the same thing.

01:02:12.000 It is the same thing.

01:02:13.000 Or girls with giant fake boobs that they think they need triple F boobs. 1.00

01:02:17.000 The way people see themselves versus the way other people see them is very strange. 0.95

01:02:23.000 You know what I've been watching?

01:02:24.000 The show Botched.

01:02:25.000 Have you ever watched that show?

01:02:27.000 Oh yeah, I've watched that show. 1.00

01:02:28.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:02:29.000 I mean, that's the same. 1.00

01:02:30.000 They don't know what they're seeing.

01:02:33.000 They don't see what we're seeing at all.

01:02:35.000 No, it's crazy.

01:02:37.000 There's this poor lady who was on the other day who is getting her nose fixed because she had so many surgeries that her nose collapsed. 0.99

01:02:45.000 And it was just like, oh, Christ.

01:02:48.000 And they had to take a chunk out of her rib, and they rebuilt her nose up. 1.00

01:02:53.000 It came out great at the end, obviously, which is why they put it on television.

01:02:57.000 But she ain't done.

01:02:59.000 Unless you don't fix inside.

01:03:01.000 You don't think she's done?

01:03:02.000 I hope she's done. 1.00

01:03:04.000 No way is that bitch done. 1.00

01:03:06.000 No way is she done. 1.00

01:03:08.000 Unless you're fixing what's up here that's making you look at yourself in the mirror and go, I'm ugly.

01:03:13.000 And that's what I'm in a mad dash to do, Joe.

01:03:16.000 To fix yourself?

01:03:17.000 To love myself enough...

01:03:21.000 Through therapy, meditation, just to love myself on the inside enough that I don't...

01:03:27.000 Because as I age, as you age, especially in this business, things aren't as good for...

01:03:32.000 As you age as a woman, things get shittier. 1.00

01:03:35.000 You become less valuable to society based on the fact that you're aging.

01:03:39.000 In this business.

01:03:40.000 In this business and in life.

01:03:42.000 I remember the first time...

01:03:44.000 I remember one time I was hanging out in high school with my girlfriends and I remember...

01:03:49.000 This girl's mom always used to just kind of say things that she envied our youth a lot.

01:03:54.000 And when you're young, you're just like, okay, old lady, just get out of here. 0.99

01:03:58.000 You're saying these sad things and then just walking out of the room silently.

01:04:02.000 But she would say these things, and one day, the one thing she said really got to me.

01:04:05.000 She was like, you girls are all so young and thin and beautiful.

01:04:10.000 You know, I remember the last time a man held the door for me.

01:04:15.000 And then she just left the room.

01:04:17.000 And I'm like, oh, there's a day that that just stops? 0.99

01:04:20.000 Wow, that's ridiculous. 0.70

01:04:21.000 I hold the door for old ladies all the time. 1.00

01:04:23.000 That's stupid. 1.00

01:04:24.000 But I think she meant the last time a man who wanted to fuck her. 1.00

01:04:29.000 And you know when that's in the air, when there's a door being held for you by a guy who's like, I can fuck you. 1.00

01:04:35.000 But why is that gender specific? 1.00

01:04:37.000 I mean, that's with men as with women. 0.99

01:04:39.000 Men too.

01:04:40.000 My dad recently said to me, he was like, women don't even look at me anymore.

01:04:43.000 My dad's like an attractive guy and he's like, I'm like invisible to women.

01:04:46.000 And I can see like a sadness in it.

01:04:48.000 And I don't want to...

01:04:49.000 I know that that will happen eventually because that is just the way things go.

01:04:54.000 Once in a while a guy might be, I'm into older ladies and I'd like to bang her. 1.00

01:04:58.000 And I will love that guy so much.

01:04:59.000 And I know those guys are out there.

01:05:01.000 And I hear from those guys a lot when I talk about this stuff.

01:05:04.000 But those guys are sick just like you were when you were 18 pounds.

01:05:10.000 I hope they never fix that sickness.

01:05:12.000 Please share it with the world.

01:05:13.000 We need it.

01:05:14.000 They're in a bag of old ladies because the old ladies are so needy. 1.00

01:05:15.000 Thank you, son.

01:05:18.000 Thank you, young man.

01:05:19.000 Whatever that is, don't fix that.

01:05:21.000 We need those guys.

01:05:22.000 But I just know that that's on the horizon, that attention from men and women and just society will start to wane and you'll become more invisible physically to other people. 0.99

01:05:35.000 And I just hope at that point I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:05:37.000 And then I like myself enough. 0.99

01:05:38.000 And so that's when I'm running at that, trying to like myself enough on the inside, which I really have gotten so far ahead of what I thought I could ever do in terms of loving myself and working on myself and getting sober and all the things.

01:05:53.000 But I still feel like it's not enough. 0.98

01:05:56.000 I still deal with insecurities and I'm like, God damn it. 0.96

01:06:00.000 I'm aging, and I'm supposed to not feel this. 0.98

01:06:04.000 I'm supposed to not care that I'm aging as much.

01:06:06.000 I don't want to be one of these women that hates aging.

01:06:09.000 I just don't want to be it, and I'm kind of...

01:06:11.000 Well, you have to be very careful in your fear of aging.

01:06:14.000 How do you feel about aging?

01:06:16.000 I don't think about it.

01:06:17.000 Really?

01:06:17.000 No.

01:06:18.000 I don't.

01:06:18.000 And you can tell you don't because you seem ageless.

01:06:22.000 Like, honestly, someone just said your age and I was like, I don't even think of Joe as having an age.

01:06:26.000 I honestly don't... 0.99

01:06:27.000 Like, you seem like an ageless person to me and that's because you don't give a shit. 0.99

01:06:31.000 Well... 0.99

01:06:32.000 And you don't think of it.

01:06:33.000 I mean, this is going to sound ridiculous, but you have to realize that the entire...

01:06:41.000 Your life from birth to death is a blink of an eye.

01:06:44.000 It is a very short period of time in terms of the entire life of the planet, the life of the human race, the life of the universe.

01:06:54.000 It is a blink of an eye.

01:06:55.000 And for you to wear blinders and concentrate on one tiny little window of sexual viability, it's preposterous. 1.00

01:07:06.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

01:07:07.000 Because your whole existence is insane. 1.00

01:07:10.000 It's so bizarre. 0.88

01:07:12.000 Looking at people is bizarre. 0.99

01:07:14.000 Like, how the fuck do your eyes work? 0.98

01:07:15.000 You're looking through your eyes, and light is refracted through your lenses and your cornea, and you're seeing things, and I know that if I reach, I can grab this can, and it's right there. 0.99

01:07:24.000 I mean, all of that is bizarre. 0.99

01:07:26.000 And so to concentrate on this one thing, when will people stop wanting to stick their dick into me? 1.00

01:07:33.000 It's a crazy... 1.00

01:07:34.000 I hate that I even like...

01:07:35.000 But it's a crazy...

01:07:36.000 It's a perspective issue.

01:07:38.000 Right.

01:07:38.000 Yeah.

01:07:39.000 And I think the wider you get away from that and one of the best ways to do that is psychedelic drugs.

01:07:46.000 Psychedelic drugs are one of the very best ways to broaden your perspective because the experience is so titanically alien and so giant and connects you to the entire universe itself that when you come back down to Earth... 0.84

01:08:01.000 It seems so preposterous and then you see this dance that everybody's involved in you know with putting on fake butts and and fucking getting your lips done and all the chaos that people are doing just to try to attract more sexual attention and Knowing that this is so so such a short period of time one of the things that freaks me out is what I call monster face It's when women get their face pulled back so far that their mouth looks like it's bigger because they've been doing this and so it looks like they just open their mouth up like venom and 0.93

01:08:31.000 fucking get your whole head in there and chop your fucking head off. 1.00

01:08:35.000 It's a sickness. 1.00

01:08:37.000 It's so funny because, yeah, when you get that stuff done, you end up looking like other people who have had it done.

01:08:41.000 So you get a certain type of face.

01:08:43.000 We all know the face.

01:08:44.000 You're describing like a deep sea monster, a deep sea fish.

01:08:47.000 Yeah, and then they shoot things into their cheeks to make their cheeks puff up because it eliminates some of the wrinkles, but then it looks like you've been beaten up. 0.98

01:08:54.000 You literally look like you got fucking stung with a swarm of bees. 0.98

01:08:57.000 It's so funny. 0.99

01:08:58.000 How is that better? 0.88

01:08:59.000 Well, it also doesn't work because there's a thing called the Fibonacci sequence, and when you look at a person's face, there's a golden ratio of the nose to the eyes to the chin, and as soon as you fuck with anything, as soon as you switch one of those up, like lips, you're like, hey!

01:09:12.000 Like, if you look at, say, like, Serena Williams, her lips match her face.

01:09:16.000 And there's a natural order to that.

01:09:19.000 If you look at Ari Shafir, his nose matches his chin, matches his face.

01:09:23.000 There's a ratio that it fits in. 0.99

01:09:26.000 And when you get a nose job, and you're supposed to have a big nose, people look at you like, what the fuck is going on? 0.99

01:09:31.000 If you have a Persian face, like a big, robust Persian face, but you have this little fucking pixie Irish nose, people are like, what the fuck is going on with her face? 0.99

01:09:43.000 This is crazy! 0.99

01:09:45.000 But, Joe, there are so many people that have worked on that you...

01:09:50.000 Like, we all know bad plastic surgery, but there's some that's so good.

01:09:53.000 And we think of these people as being born that way.

01:09:55.000 Oh, for sure.

01:09:56.000 Like Kylie Jenner.

01:09:58.000 Yes.

01:09:59.000 That's a perfect one.

01:10:00.000 I mean, girls always bring her up. 0.97

01:10:01.000 What about her?

01:10:02.000 What about her? 1.00

01:10:02.000 She was a monster. 1.00

01:10:03.000 She was a monster. 0.99

01:10:04.000 Now she's gorgeous. 1.00

01:10:06.000 Yeah, okay.

01:10:07.000 I mean, there's some stuff that works, but you're so right.

01:10:09.000 Like, I want to talk to you about psychedelics, because when did you first do them?

01:10:13.000 When I was 30. When you were 30. Well, actually, I think I was a little younger.

01:10:17.000 No.

01:10:19.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:10:19.000 When I was 30, I started smoking pot, and then psychedelics came after that.

01:10:24.000 And did you...

01:10:25.000 I mean, obviously, that was before the time when people thought psychedelics were a way to, like...

01:10:32.000 I feel like this is kind of like a new movement that psychedelics are the answer now.

01:10:37.000 If you were around the right people back then, you would get that information.

01:10:40.000 Were you around the right people?

01:10:41.000 Is that how you got introduced to them?

01:10:43.000 Yeah.

01:10:43.000 I was around a lot of...

01:10:46.000 Because of the fact that I was a comedian and then also because of the fact that, you know, I was...

01:10:55.000 I was relatively famous back then.

01:10:58.000 Not famous famous, but I was on television.

01:11:01.000 I had done some things.

01:11:03.000 People would want to turn you on to things.

01:11:06.000 I would go to parties or meet people.

01:11:10.000 And they would say, hey man, have you ever done mushrooms?

01:11:13.000 And hey man, have you ever heard of DMT? And then there's a few different things that would happen and you would be around these people who had gone to jail for it or that were like real psychedelic heads.

01:11:24.000 And once I was around a few of those, I realized, well, there's a whole other world out there.

01:11:29.000 And then I discovered...

01:11:31.000 Timothy Leary and John Lilly and this the flotation tank became a giant part of my life and then You know Terrence McKenna and Dennis McKenna and all the the various psychedelic wizards that are out there that have been sort of Expressing that there's there's a whole world out there that you're not seeing It's like we're living life inside this very strange tent This very thin membrane tent.

01:11:59.000 And if you just unzip that tent and step out, the entire wilderness of the universe exists.

01:12:05.000 But most people live their life inside this very thin walled tent.

01:12:09.000 And they think that that tent sort of defines the actual universe itself when it's so small and so limited. 0.94

01:12:17.000 Is there a chance that you open that tent and you don't like what you see and now you've fucked your whole life up?

01:12:23.000 Because I think that's most people's apprehension about... 0.96

01:12:25.000 Sure.

01:12:26.000 ...doing that.

01:12:27.000 Like...

01:12:27.000 Specifically...

01:12:28.000 Can you not come back?

01:12:29.000 Yes.

01:12:30.000 Well, Sid Barrett.

01:12:31.000 You know, there's been a lot of people that were...

01:12:33.000 I mean, I have friends that know friends that...

01:12:36.000 Well, the issue is with, you know, psychosis and people that have schizophrenia, people that have, like, legitimate mental health issues.

01:12:46.000 And...

01:12:47.000 The argument is correlation or causation, right?

01:12:50.000 And the argument is, do psychedelic drugs cause mental illness or do a certain amount of people already have mental illness?

01:12:59.000 And I think it's much more likely that the percentage of people that are schizophrenic remains static.

01:13:06.000 Because if you look at it, the number of people who smoke marijuana who are also schizophrenic mirrors the number of people who are schizophrenic, period.

01:13:16.000 So it's not that marijuana causes schizophrenia.

01:13:19.000 It's a one out of a hundred or whatever the number is.

01:13:21.000 They just have this issue.

01:13:23.000 And for those people, it's critical that they avoid psychedelic drugs, that they avoid marijuana, and probably even alcohol or maybe a bunch of other psychotropic drugs as well.

01:13:34.000 Because you've got an imbalance.

01:13:37.000 Just like someone who has a liver disease has an imbalance.

01:13:40.000 Just like someone who has a lung disorder can...

01:13:43.000 Breathe well.

01:13:44.000 Someone has cystic fibrosis or someone who has any number of diseases.

01:13:47.000 You've got to kind of think of it that way.

01:13:49.000 There's an ailment of the mind. 0.97

01:13:51.000 And so if you add this unknown element to that ailment, like five grams of dried mushrooms, like, who the fuck knows what could happen? 0.98

01:13:58.000 You might never come back. 0.99

01:14:00.000 And then there's the question, the other part of your question is, is it possible you could open that tent and not like what you see and fuck up your life? 0.98

01:14:07.000 Yes. 0.99

01:14:08.000 Yes.

01:14:09.000 Even if you don't have schizophrenia or a mental disorder, you might have a view of the world that's untenable with the experience that you have under the influence of psychedelics. 1.00

01:14:20.000 But that might mean that your view of the world is bullshit. 0.99

01:14:24.000 And you've been living your life with this fucking Norman Rockwell nonsense floating around your head because you've been so influenced by media, by songs, and by television shows, and by, you know, I want to live like the kids on Friends. 1.00

01:14:37.000 They don't even live like that! 1.00

01:14:38.000 Look at them, they're all fucked up now, you know? 1.00

01:14:41.000 For the most part. 0.99

01:14:42.000 Jennifer Aniston seems to be not aging.

01:14:45.000 Yeah, that's... 1.00

01:14:45.000 That bitch is insane. 1.00

01:14:46.000 That's my girl. 1.00

01:14:47.000 I want to be around her.

01:14:48.000 I want to find out what she's doing.

01:14:49.000 What kind of cream are you using?

01:14:50.000 Oh, it's not cream.

01:14:51.000 It's lasers. 0.99

01:14:52.000 Whatever the fuck she's doing, it's amazing. 0.98

01:14:54.000 She's 150 years old. 1.00

01:14:56.000 She looks like she's 12. It's incredible.

01:14:59.000 You would feel bad if you had sex with her, like you're having sex with an 18-year-old. 1.00

01:15:02.000 She looks amazing. 0.99

01:15:04.000 She literally has an age.

01:15:05.000 She really does.

01:15:06.000 Matthew Perry looks like he's been to hell and back. 1.00

01:15:09.000 Like that motherfucker went headfirst into a sandstorm and he got his face ripped off like he's been just doing meth every day and smoking cigarettes, one lighting the other from the time he's awake until the time he goes to sleep. 1.00

01:15:25.000 He looks like total dog shit. 1.00

01:15:29.000 And she looks fucking amazing. 1.00

01:15:31.000 I know. 0.96

01:15:32.000 They worked together.

01:15:33.000 They were both young together.

01:15:34.000 Would they not have shared some skin care? 1.00

01:15:37.000 How the fuck? 1.00

01:15:38.000 How the fuck? 0.99

01:15:39.000 I mean, that is like a perfect example. 0.99

01:15:41.000 It is a perfect example.

01:15:43.000 But even she can't keep it together, right?

01:15:44.000 She's on like some new marriage and got divorced and there's this chaos to this business.

01:15:49.000 I know.

01:15:50.000 No!

01:15:52.000 I've talked about this many times in the podcast, that this business is nuts because it takes people that are insecure already and then puts them in a position where they have to get chosen for things.

01:16:01.000 So you have to audition and people have to decide whether they like you.

01:16:04.000 Next, Nikki.

01:16:05.000 Hmm.

01:16:06.000 Okay, Nikki.

01:16:07.000 So, what happened to your Comedy Central show?

01:16:10.000 You had a Comedy Central show that didn't work out?

01:16:13.000 It just, you know, it was an internal thing.

01:16:16.000 It was a good show.

01:16:18.000 And you were on Dancing with the Stars for a hot minute.

01:16:21.000 Yeah, again, that was just like, there were just...

01:16:24.000 But that guy was really mean to you.

01:16:25.000 What was that all about?

01:16:27.000 Well, I think I reminded him of a granddaughter who hadn't called him in a while. 1.00

01:16:31.000 That's about British judges that are such assholes. 1.00

01:16:33.000 I don't even know. 1.00

01:16:34.000 Anyway.

01:16:34.000 You're right!

01:16:35.000 So, you're reading for Amy, and Amy is an anorexic stand-up comedian who likes to drink and black out. 0.94

01:16:44.000 So, right up your alley.

01:16:46.000 So, here we go.

01:16:49.000 And so, and then you do it and you go, okay.

01:16:51.000 Well, thanks a lot, Nikki.

01:16:53.000 Good job.

01:16:53.000 Uh, okay.

01:16:55.000 And so, uh, you'll call me?

01:16:58.000 Uh, yeah.

01:17:00.000 No, you'll kind of just watch the show that you're auditioning for and see someone else in the role and that's how you'll know.

01:17:04.000 And you just scream. 1.00

01:17:08.000 So you leave and then you walk out feeling like a hundred percent dog shit. 1.00

01:17:14.000 Like you're from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes is just dog shit. 1.00

01:17:19.000 And, like, we do this stuff, and you got people commenting on it and tweeting at you and saying, it's like, you're right. 0.99

01:17:27.000 It's like, I'm in this business because I'm insecure and I want people to love, strangers to love me.

01:17:33.000 And then I don't even accept the love that they give.

01:17:35.000 I don't care about the tweets that are nice. 0.98

01:17:38.000 I reject those and I think you're crazy. 1.00

01:17:41.000 Just pay attention to the assholes! 1.00

01:17:43.000 Yeah! 1.00

01:17:43.000 Which I don't read comments or anything. 1.00

01:17:45.000 I've been really good about self-care.

01:17:47.000 That's not ever going to bring me joy is going through the comments of a YouTube video.

01:17:52.000 But still mean things get through.

01:17:55.000 And yeah, you're right.

01:17:57.000 I'm a really strong person to be where I am in this business and have gotten as far as I've...

01:18:03.000 Got, but it breaks me at times still.

01:18:07.000 It's a tough business.

01:18:08.000 And I'm scared.

01:18:09.000 But I'm so excited to do psychedelics.

01:18:11.000 Are you kidding me?

01:18:12.000 Yeah.

01:18:14.000 How excited?

01:18:16.000 Well, I want to do it with a shaman, if you're available.

01:18:22.000 But I want to do it in a really controlled way because I do think it's the next frontier for me in terms of...

01:18:29.000 Because I'm done with therapy, talk therapy.

01:18:31.000 I'm like, this is too slow of a process.

01:18:33.000 Have you ever done any psychedelics?

01:18:34.000 I did mushrooms once, but it was not a good experience because it was a bad setting.

01:18:38.000 A very small amount.

01:18:40.000 Not enough to really have a good trip.

01:18:42.000 Even though it was a small amount, it was still a bad experience?

01:18:44.000 It was just bad because I was hanging out with two people, a couple that got into a fight while I was with them, and they kicked me out onto the street in New York City.

01:18:51.000 Oh my god!

01:18:52.000 While they were on mushrooms?

01:18:53.000 They got in a fight on mushrooms?

01:18:54.000 Yeah, it just got kind of tense hanging out with them.

01:18:56.000 We were supposed to just, like, us three chill on their roof and, like, look at the skyline and just have a nice night.

01:19:02.000 But then his girlfriend got sick.

01:19:03.000 They were in a weird kind of bickering thing.

01:19:05.000 I was like, I'm gonna go.

01:19:07.000 I left.

01:19:07.000 I had been arrested the night before for smoking weed on the street.

01:19:10.000 So I'd spent six hours in a holding cell the night before.

01:19:13.000 But I had planned to do mushrooms the day after.

01:19:15.000 And the guy was like, you should still do them.

01:19:17.000 We'll celebrate you getting out of jail.

01:19:18.000 And I was like, okay.

01:19:20.000 So I... Did mushrooms.

01:19:22.000 I was broke.

01:19:23.000 I had just been arrested.

01:19:25.000 And I was on the street.

01:19:27.000 And I remember I called my parents because I just felt like the way that smoking weed is portrayed in movies where it's like, whoa, things coming at you.

01:19:36.000 That's the way I felt on mushrooms.

01:19:38.000 I don't know if that's the normal way, but I felt like everyone was just in my face.

01:19:41.000 I called my mom and I go, Mom, I'm on mushrooms right now.

01:19:45.000 I'm on the Upper East Side.

01:19:46.000 I'm just trying to get to my friend Mike's house.

01:19:47.000 And she goes, Who do you think you're talking to?

01:19:51.000 You don't call your mom and say you're on mushrooms.

01:19:53.000 She was like, for once in her life she had boundaries.

01:19:55.000 And she goes, talk to your father.

01:19:58.000 And so then I talked to my dad and I was like, I'm on mushrooms and I don't know.

01:20:00.000 And he kind of talked me down.

01:20:02.000 But I just went home and chugged a bottle of wine because I was like, I want to feel something else other than this because I felt too much.

01:20:08.000 I felt a lot of love and that scared me.

01:20:11.000 But this was before I quit drinking.

01:20:12.000 You felt a lot of love and that scared you?

01:20:14.000 Yeah, I was calling my friends being like, I love you!

01:20:18.000 In a way that I had never felt before and I was like, I don't like this feeling.

01:20:22.000 Why?

01:20:23.000 Chug, chug, chug.

01:20:24.000 I don't know.

01:20:26.000 Maybe it was because you were alone.

01:20:28.000 I was going through a lot of things.

01:20:30.000 I think I was bulimic at that time, too.

01:20:33.000 Jesus Christ, woman. 0.84

01:20:35.000 This was not a good time in my life to be doing psychedelics.

01:20:39.000 But now, I think I've read enough about them, and I'm like, you know, there are soldiers that have PTSD that go through talk therapy for years and have minimal amounts of progress.

01:20:52.000 And then they do one...

01:20:59.000 I want to do ayahuasca.

01:21:03.000 I want to do DMT. I want to open up those doors.

01:21:07.000 MDMA is great for soldiers too.

01:21:09.000 MAPS is doing some really serious trials right now with...

01:21:13.000 MDMA assisted therapy.

01:21:15.000 So they're taking people with PTSD, whether it's soldiers, victims of violence, and they're taking them through MDMA assisted therapy.

01:21:25.000 And they're having some pretty dramatic results.

01:21:28.000 I think it is the next big thing.

01:21:30.000 I'm so excited about it for certain people and myself.

01:21:33.000 Have you done MDMA? No.

01:21:36.000 I only did it once and the rebound the next day was horrific for me.

01:21:41.000 That was one of the worst hangovers I've ever had.

01:21:44.000 It wasn't just a hangover. 0.99

01:21:45.000 I felt really stupid. 0.99

01:21:48.000 Like I couldn't read like I was trying to read a magazine the next day I couldn't read and then I had to perform that night and I kind of ate shit on stage and But I'll never forget the lessons from the experience. 0.97

01:22:01.000 It was really powerful like it really illuminated how much insecurity hinders you and inhibits your ability to communicate with people and flavors how you interact with people and how much of you know my own Aggression and the way I would interact with people was basically just me being scared.

01:22:23.000 Like, what?

01:22:24.000 I want to know what Joe Rogan was before psychedelics.

01:22:27.000 What are the things that you, socially, the hurdles that you've overcome?

01:22:32.000 What were you like?

01:22:33.000 What were the things that you're like, oh my god, I can't believe I was like that.

01:22:36.000 I'm dying to know this.

01:22:37.000 Well, you know, when I was young, I was super insecure.

01:22:40.000 My parents split up when I was really young, and then we moved around a lot, so I didn't have like a base of friends, and then I found martial arts when I was a young teenager.

01:22:48.000 And...

01:22:50.000 What martial arts did was it gave me something that I finally felt like I wasn't a loser at.

01:22:56.000 It was like the first thing that I ever did where I was like, oh, I'm good at something.

01:23:01.000 I can be really good at something.

01:23:02.000 And I got good at it really quickly because I was obsessed.

01:23:05.000 I was completely addicted and I was training every day.

01:23:07.000 And it became my identity.

01:23:10.000 So my identity was that I was really good at martial arts.

01:23:13.000 And so to be really good at martial arts, especially in competition, You have to be very aggressive, you have to be ruthless, and you have to embrace this sort of...

01:23:30.000 There's an undeniable violence in kicking someone in the head.

01:23:33.000 I mean, it's very violent.

01:23:34.000 Like, martial arts competition is extremely violent.

01:23:37.000 And you have to be able to embrace that.

01:23:39.000 And the embracing of that and the terror and the fear of it all just...

01:23:43.000 It shaped my developmental period.

01:23:47.000 So, like, when I was...

01:23:49.000 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. That was my whole life.

01:23:54.000 That was all I did until I started doing stand-up comedy.

01:23:57.000 So my entire formative period was based on violence.

01:24:03.000 It was all...

01:24:05.000 I mean, it was...

01:24:08.000 Martial arts.

01:24:09.000 It was very controlled.

01:24:11.000 I wasn't a bad person who was beating people up or anything like that, but I was ready to go all the time.

01:24:20.000 It was always around any corner, there might be something, the next person might say the wrong thing, and you might realize you're going to have to fight them, or whatever it was.

01:24:31.000 And that took a long time to let go.

01:24:34.000 That took a long time to shake off.

01:24:37.000 Were you easily angered?

01:24:38.000 Would you get into fights?

01:24:40.000 No, I didn't really get into it.

01:24:41.000 I was smart.

01:24:42.000 Like, I would avoid fights.

01:24:43.000 But you were tense.

01:24:44.000 You were anxious constantly.

01:24:46.000 Well, my personality developed through violence.

01:24:50.000 I mean, really, developed through martial arts competition.

01:24:53.000 From the time I was 15 to the time I was 21, I traveled the entire country.

01:24:57.000 All I did was fight in tournaments.

01:24:59.000 I fought all the time.

01:25:01.000 I fought like, I don't know how many times.

01:25:02.000 Did you have girlfriends?

01:25:03.000 Like, I mean, you were upset.

01:25:05.000 You were like an Olympic athlete.

01:25:07.000 You were an elite athlete at 15. What was your social life like?

01:25:11.000 I wasn't elite at 15, but by the time I was 17, I was...

01:25:13.000 When I was 18, I won the state championship.

01:25:15.000 Well, to get to that point at 18, you were practicing like an elite athlete.

01:25:19.000 Yeah, I was going to say.

01:25:20.000 It had to have just been...

01:25:21.000 Yeah, it was...

01:25:23.000 Awkward.

01:25:24.000 Weird.

01:25:24.000 What were you like with girls and stuff early on?

01:25:27.000 Did you do okay?

01:25:28.000 Where did you meet girls?

01:25:30.000 High school.

01:25:31.000 I had girlfriends in high school.

01:25:33.000 And then there was a dry period after high school for sure.

01:25:37.000 And then once I started doing stand-up comedy, then it was easy.

01:25:41.000 Then it was a wet period.

01:25:42.000 Then it was crazy.

01:25:43.000 Then it's like, whoa.

01:25:45.000 That is nuts.

01:25:47.000 But yeah, my life was all about competing and being in the gym.

01:25:52.000 So there wasn't like a lot of time to meet people.

01:25:54.000 No.

01:25:55.000 You know, it was all very strange.

01:25:56.000 But there's just getting over that hurdle of that bizarre childhood. 0.98

01:26:03.000 Was there a moment, though, when you came out of a trip, or was there a nugget that you took where you were like, oh, this is bullshit?

01:26:10.000 Was there a certain trip that you looked to and you're like, I emerged a different person? 0.63

01:26:14.000 Every single one of them highlighted unnecessary tension, highlighted, you know, like...

01:26:21.000 What was the last one?

01:26:23.000 What did you learn in the last trip you had?

01:26:25.000 The last one I had was basically...

01:26:28.000 It was almost a reaffirmation more than anything.

01:26:35.000 It was like, oh, I remember this.

01:26:37.000 I hadn't done it in about a year and a half to two years.

01:26:40.000 And then we did DMT three or four times.

01:26:45.000 We did a trip, and then we went back in, and then we went back in again.

01:26:49.000 I can't remember if it was three or four times, but it was...

01:26:52.000 It just made me realize, like, oh yeah, okay, this is just, the world that you're living in is like a thin veneer over this gigantic, impossible realm.

01:27:08.000 That's the realm of souls and of love and expectation and understanding and information and that that's what the universe is made of and that you're sort of trapped in this very strange rudimentary tactile existence where you can pick things up and put them on scales and you can measure things with a ruler but the rest of the universe is not made of that stuff.

01:27:31.000 The rest of the universe is made out of ideas.

01:27:33.000 The rest of the universe is made out of thoughts and there's dimensions that you can't travel to with your feet and with a car and with a plane.

01:27:43.000 Like there's portals that you go through and these portals are chemical portals and your brain literally is wired for these.

01:27:50.000 Not only that, your brain produces dimethyltryptamine, which is the most potent of all psychedelics.

01:27:55.000 It's literally made by the human body.

01:27:57.000 And it's everywhere.

01:27:59.000 It's in all sorts of plants, thousands of plants.

01:28:02.000 It's in every animal.

01:28:04.000 It's like all these different creatures create it, and they have it.

01:28:08.000 I mean, it's actually made by your third eye.

01:28:12.000 They're pretty sure.

01:28:13.000 You know, there's a group out of New Mexico called the Cottonwood Research Foundation, and they're doing these tests on all sorts of tests to...

01:28:25.000 Find out the source of DMT. And they've isolated it in the pineal gland of rats.

01:28:30.000 And this is the first time they've ever shown it in a live rat that exists in the pineal gland.

01:28:35.000 The pineal gland is literally your third eye.

01:28:37.000 Like that thing from Eastern mysticism, like this right here.

01:28:40.000 This little eye right here.

01:28:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:28:42.000 And reptiles, it actually has a retina and a lens.

01:28:44.000 It's an eyeball.

01:28:46.000 And this is, the Egyptians would call it the seed of the soul.

01:28:51.000 And this one spot in your head is producing the most potent psychedelic chemical known to man.

01:28:57.000 As well as it's produced by your liver and your lungs.

01:29:00.000 Like, your body's a psychedelic chemical factory.

01:29:02.000 And this one psychedelic chemical, they believe, and there's been some recent research, there was a recent paper that was put out that showed that they think that during periods of extreme stress, like with periods if your body's convinced that you might be dying or that there's something happening,

01:29:18.000 that you may be releasing this psychedelic chemical.

01:29:21.000 So it might be the portal to the afterlife.

01:29:24.000 Like, it might be the way that carries your consciousness through to the next dimension when your body passes.

01:29:31.000 Whoa.

01:29:32.000 And it leaks when you're in distress because it feels like it's getting ready to dump it.

01:29:37.000 Yeah, your body's like, this might be it.

01:29:38.000 This might be it.

01:29:39.000 Here we go.

01:29:40.000 They think that's the source of near-death experiences.

01:29:42.000 When people have these phenomenal, loving experiences where they cross over to the other side, then they come back.

01:29:50.000 And the way people describe it, that's another issue with psychedelic drugs.

01:29:54.000 It's impossible to describe.

01:29:56.000 So when you describe it, it's so crude.

01:29:58.000 The way I've described it is you enter into another dimension filled with complex geometric patterns that are made out of love and understanding.

01:30:08.000 But still, that's a bunch of words.

01:30:10.000 It's like a nonsense thing to describe.

01:30:12.000 But when you talk to these people that have had near-death experiences, they all feel relieved in some sort of a strange way.

01:30:20.000 They all feel like, or a lot of them do, I should say, that when it does happen, if it does happen, it's going to be okay.

01:30:27.000 It's going to be okay.

01:30:28.000 Like, there's a thing that happens, and then you go to this other place where there's no shoes, there's no tables, there's no electricity.

01:30:34.000 Like your aunt's house. 0.95

01:30:35.000 But it's made out of whatever the fuck the world's made out of. 0.92

01:30:40.000 It's made out of whatever the universe actually has below the wiring.

01:30:45.000 Like, you lift up the circuit board, and you're like, whoa.

01:30:47.000 You peer behind the green curtain.

01:30:48.000 So at this point for you, when you did it the last time, it was almost like a tune-up of like, oh yeah, I remember now.

01:30:55.000 I've seen this before, and I needed to be reminded.

01:30:58.000 But then how does that...

01:30:59.000 Sorry if I'm asking questions that you've probably already answered, but how does the next week of your life after a trip of this...

01:31:08.000 How does your decision-making change?

01:31:10.000 That's up to you, right?

01:31:11.000 That's up to you.

01:31:12.000 That's up to everybody.

01:31:13.000 With everyone, it's different.

01:31:15.000 I mean, for me, it's...

01:31:17.000 It was like a big deep breath, and it was like, oh, it's going to be okay.

01:31:22.000 The last time I did a real serious psychedelic trip, I've done a little bit of acid, a little bit of mushrooms, but the last time, a serious one was right before I filmed Triggered.

01:31:34.000 It just lets you know.

01:31:37.000 Just do your best.

01:31:39.000 Try to be nice.

01:31:40.000 And this is nonsense.

01:31:42.000 This whole thing is nonsense. 1.00

01:31:43.000 Don't concentrate on the fact that in 20 years no one's going to want to fuck you or that your tits are going to fall off. 1.00

01:31:50.000 You're alive right now. 1.00

01:31:52.000 You are existing right now in the...

01:31:55.000 One of the craziest experiences that the world has ever known.

01:31:59.000 Being a human being in 2018 in the United States of America. 0.99

01:32:03.000 I mean, this is a fucking bizarre pathway you're on. 0.99

01:32:08.000 All of us. 0.99

01:32:09.000 Every single person listening to this.

01:32:10.000 If you can listen to this podcast, you are in the rarest moment in human history.

01:32:15.000 You are literally at the cusp, the very peak of this insane merging of technology, of information, of understanding, of expression.

01:32:29.000 Abundance.

01:32:31.000 All the stuff that we're seeing going on right now socially, whether it's the Me Too movement or whether it is, you know, social justice warriors and people who are woke and crying out racism, all this bubbling up of our culture is all this recognition of this ability to communicate,

01:32:48.000 this radical new ability to express your ideas that is being done by some people that are irresponsible, some people that are very responsible, but everyone gets a shot.

01:32:58.000 And it's just like YouTube comments.

01:33:01.000 It's so chaos.

01:33:03.000 Our culture is YouTube comments.

01:33:05.000 The world is YouTube comments.

01:33:07.000 Our interaction is this unique ability where anybody can express themselves.

01:33:13.000 And some people have larger signals, like you, or like Ari Shafir, or like Fill in the blank.

01:33:20.000 Anybody who has a podcast, they have a larger signal.

01:33:22.000 And you have a YouTube video that's a larger signal.

01:33:25.000 You have a Comedy Central show that's a larger signal.

01:33:27.000 But everyone has a signal.

01:33:28.000 And everyone's fighting for relevance.

01:33:31.000 And everyone's fighting for attention and acceptance.

01:33:33.000 And they're fighting for their own significance.

01:33:36.000 They just want to exist.

01:33:37.000 And they're yelling out.

01:33:39.000 And sometimes they're yelling out like a baby.

01:33:40.000 And sometimes they're yelling out like a wise person on the mountain who has some new information.

01:33:45.000 And it's all happening at the same time.

01:33:47.000 And we're sorting it out.

01:33:50.000 Some things don't stick. 1.00

01:33:52.000 Like this whole, if you're having sex and you're drinking, you're a rapist. 0.98

01:33:55.000 That didn't stick. 0.74

01:33:57.000 But some of them do stick. 0.82

01:33:59.000 Some of them, you can't say retard anymore.

01:34:00.000 That one's sticking.

01:34:01.000 And people are realizing there's certain things that you can do and certain things you can't do.

01:34:06.000 Certain things we accept, certain things we can't accept anymore.

01:34:08.000 And we're figuring it out.

01:34:10.000 And we're figuring it out in real time, at a radical pace that's never existed before in human history.

01:34:15.000 Where something that was acceptable just 10-15 years ago is completely unacceptable now.

01:34:21.000 There's never been a time like that before.

01:34:23.000 Never been a time in the entire world Since people started talking, there's never been a time where change is taking place at such a radical pace.

01:34:32.000 And you're a part of it.

01:34:34.000 And I'm a part of it, and everyone who's listening to this is a part of it.

01:34:36.000 We're all together in this. 0.96

01:34:38.000 And no one knows where the fuck it's going. 0.90

01:34:41.000 I love that you're saying that the reason all this is happening right now is because we're just communicating at a more rapid pace. 0.93

01:34:48.000 That's all it boils down to.

01:34:50.000 You're absolutely right.

01:34:51.000 It's a communication revolution.

01:34:54.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:34:55.000 And so if someone says, you know, hey, what you said, it doesn't make sense.

01:34:59.000 Like, yeah, yeah, for sure.

01:35:01.000 No one's going to get it right.

01:35:02.000 No one's going to get it right all the time.

01:35:04.000 I'm not an oracle. 0.99

01:35:06.000 I'm a fucking human. 0.99

01:35:07.000 I was born in New Jersey. 1.00

01:35:09.000 No one's getting this right.

01:35:11.000 But you are being held to that standard.

01:35:13.000 We all are now.

01:35:15.000 There's good to that, too.

01:35:17.000 The good is you realize you're responsible.

01:35:20.000 If you make a mistake or you say something incorrect or you say something mean, you were just trying to be funny, it came out bad.

01:35:27.000 The blowback lets you know this is how people feel about that.

01:35:31.000 And it's disproportionate because your signal is disproportionate.

01:35:35.000 Your ability to express yourself is disproportionate.

01:35:37.000 So the blowback is going to be disproportionate as well.

01:35:39.000 So it feels awful.

01:35:41.000 But that's just an affirmation, just letting you know.

01:35:45.000 This is not what...

01:35:47.000 And sometimes people are completely wrong about, like, you know, white girls can't wear hoop earrings. 1.00

01:35:51.000 It's cultural appropriation.

01:35:52.000 There's bad signals out there.

01:35:54.000 There's a lot of bad signals, you know, where you're racist if you wear a kimono. 1.00

01:35:58.000 There's a lot of really dumb, bad signals. 0.97

01:36:01.000 But there's also a lot of exchange, and it'll all work itself out. 0.97

01:36:07.000 We just have to be really careful we don't lynch a lot of people along the way.

01:36:11.000 We don't get convinced that our ideas are 100% the way things should be, and that we listen to all these various ideas, whether it's ideas about Trans people or gay people or women or men or anybody.

01:36:27.000 It's super important now that people think before they act and that they think before they cast judgment. 0.71

01:36:35.000 We have to communicate because things are fucking flying at us like fish coming down a river and you're trying to catch them with your hands. 0.73

01:36:43.000 And there's just too many of them. 0.96

01:36:45.000 Do you...

01:36:46.000 I mean, you're broadcasting every single day for hours.

01:36:49.000 Do you say things sometimes that come back?

01:36:51.000 I mean, I know you say things that come back to haunt you.

01:36:53.000 You said this, and that was wrong that you said that, and this is why you're wrong.

01:36:57.000 Do you ever catch yourself and go, oh yeah, I shouldn't have said that.

01:37:00.000 Definitely.

01:37:01.000 All the time.

01:37:01.000 What do you do with that?

01:37:02.000 Whoops.

01:37:03.000 You go, whoops.

01:37:04.000 I made a mistake.

01:37:05.000 I misspoke.

01:37:06.000 Right.

01:37:06.000 I'm not this...

01:37:07.000 I was...

01:37:08.000 Yeah, I'm not an oracle.

01:37:09.000 The good thing is, if you keep talking, people go, oh, I get it.

01:37:12.000 Nikki's just a person. 0.99

01:37:14.000 That says dumb things sometimes. 0.99

01:37:16.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:37:16.000 Well, you don't mean to say dumb things, but being a human being is just a flawed exercise. 0.95

01:37:21.000 We're super flawed, and we're working with language, which is a really awkward way to express intent.

01:37:30.000 You know, it's awkward.

01:37:31.000 It is!

01:37:33.000 Yeah, sometimes the right word's not there for you, and you use a lot of likes and ums.

01:37:37.000 So it's like, um, like, uh, like, uh, and people are like, like what? 1.00

01:37:42.000 And people are listening, they're on the fucking stair climber, and they go, you shut the fuck up! 1.00

01:37:45.000 You talk too much! 1.00

01:37:46.000 You complain too much! 0.99

01:37:47.000 And, you know, their signal, like, they're mad that they don't have a signal, so they're fucking screaming at you for your flawed signal. 0.98

01:37:53.000 You have a responsibility, you know? 0.90

01:37:55.000 There's a lot going on.

01:37:56.000 There's a lot going on.

01:37:57.000 There is.

01:38:00.000 Yeah, I mean, I have a radio show every day that I do, and even sitting here now, I'm like, oh, what am I going to regret saying?

01:38:09.000 And I've just gotten to a point where it's like, I will apologize if I say something stupid and wrong and it offends someone, and I really feel bad about it, but like...

01:38:17.000 I have to just lead from a place of like, at this point in my life, I know I'm a good person.

01:38:22.000 I don't think I'm a secret psychopath, which I think a lot of us are always like, am I a bad person deep down?

01:38:28.000 Do you ever have that feeling?

01:38:29.000 Did you used to have that feeling?

01:38:30.000 Oh, yeah.

01:38:30.000 Where you're like, people are going to figure out that I'm a...

01:38:34.000 You know what?

01:38:35.000 I used to really wish that I was like Tony Danza.

01:38:39.000 Because Tony Danza was always smiling and he was always nice to people. 0.96

01:38:42.000 I was like, I want to kill everybody.

01:38:44.000 And Tony Danza was like, oh, so nice and smiley. 1.00

01:38:46.000 I just want to fucking smash people. 0.99

01:38:48.000 And Tony Danza just seems like such a nice guy. 0.99

01:38:50.000 Like, God, I wish I was like Tony Danza.

01:38:52.000 I used to think that when I was like 19 years old.

01:38:54.000 I totally relate to that.

01:38:56.000 I see people and I go, why can't I just be like her?

01:38:59.000 Why can't I just be smiling and friendly?

01:39:01.000 Be smiling and say funny, nice things that don't offend anyone, but also everyone likes what you say, and it still gets people jazzed up, but you're not offending anyone.

01:39:11.000 It doesn't feel good to offend people, and I say things all the time that do, and I'm not going to stop because I just can't.

01:39:19.000 But you're offending people but also making a large amount laugh.

01:39:23.000 I know. 0.99

01:39:23.000 See, the problem is if you have 100 people in the room and 10 of them get offended, 90 of them are fucking slapping the table and laughing their ass off. 0.99

01:39:31.000 You gotta accept that. 0.98

01:39:32.000 Yeah.

01:39:32.000 That's just part of the game.

01:39:34.000 I know.

01:39:34.000 That's part of the game you and I play.

01:39:35.000 We play a strange game.

01:39:37.000 We're in one of the weirdest businesses ever. 1.00

01:39:38.000 We're in the business of talking shit. 1.00

01:39:40.000 We're shit talkers. 1.00

01:39:41.000 I love it. 1.00

01:39:42.000 I love it! 1.00

01:39:42.000 I love talking shit. 1.00

01:39:44.000 And I can't stop. 1.00

01:39:46.000 Do you get in trouble talking shit? 1.00

01:39:49.000 Do you feel... 0.99

01:39:52.000 Because I feel like sometimes when I talk shit about people, it's obviously I'm talking about myself and I'm just projecting. 0.96

01:39:58.000 When I'm really talking shit backstage where I don't think anyone will ever tell this to anyone. 0.99

01:40:06.000 It's supposed to be not a good thing to do is talk shit. 0.99

01:40:09.000 That's not healthy for you. 0.99

01:40:10.000 But I love it.

01:40:11.000 It's fun!

01:40:12.000 It's a hobby.

01:40:13.000 It's fun.

01:40:14.000 You're making fun of things.

01:40:15.000 Yes!

01:40:15.000 But look, you're making fun of things and it makes sense.

01:40:18.000 If you're talking shit and it doesn't make any sense, then no one wants to talk shit with you. 0.99

01:40:21.000 But if you go to Nikki and Nikki says some hilarious shit that's, oh, you're so true! 1.00

01:40:25.000 Ah, it's alright! 0.99

01:40:27.000 That's fun. 1.00

01:40:28.000 And when you both hate someone together and you get to send each other their snap screenshots of their Instagram and be like, look how sad this bitch is. 1.00

01:40:36.000 When really, I'm just seeing myself in her. 0.99

01:40:39.000 Sometimes.

01:40:40.000 You're seeing oftentimes what you absolutely hope you never are.

01:40:44.000 Yes, but that you fear that you are.

01:40:46.000 Yes.

01:40:46.000 And you think you might be.

01:40:48.000 So it's me hating a tiny piece of myself that I'm trying so hard to keep at bay of being that transparent or sad.

01:40:55.000 Yeah.

01:40:56.000 You're hating human behavior that's flawed.

01:40:59.000 That's what you're hating.

01:41:00.000 Yeah, because I don't want to be flawed, and I secretly feel I'm flawed, because I am flawed, because we all are. 0.99

01:41:05.000 It's also a way to reinforce that you're never going to do that again, by talking shit about people that are doing ridiculous things. 0.98

01:41:12.000 Hold yourself accountable, because then you can't talk shit if you do it, so it keeps you in check. 0.99

01:41:16.000 That's a really good point. 0.98

01:41:17.000 So it's good to do.

01:41:18.000 Yeah, there's some group text messages that I'm a part of.

01:41:22.000 I know what you mean!

01:41:25.000 Where you only talk about one person in them. 0.98

01:41:28.000 We only go to that mass text to talk shit about that one person. 0.98

01:41:32.000 Have you ever sent a text to someone that you were talking shit about to the person? 0.99

01:41:38.000 No, but there are stories of people sending like... 0.93

01:41:42.000 This one girl the other day told me in a makeup chair, she was like, oh, I once sent... 1.00

01:41:46.000 Someone, a text about someone at work that we were currently working with that was like, blah, blah, blah, blah is a fat piece of shit today. 1.00

01:41:54.000 Can't believe she would wear that dress. 0.99

01:41:56.000 Like, that's specific.

01:41:57.000 And she sent it to the person.

01:41:58.000 Sent it to her and she was working with her and had to work with her the rest of the day! 0.99

01:42:02.000 It happens all the time!

01:42:04.000 It happens all the time.

01:42:06.000 Just slipped up, sent it to the wrong person.

01:42:07.000 I'm just telling you, Joe, be careful.

01:42:09.000 Because we're all capable of, when you write that name, when you're writing a name in a text, it's so easy to just, that person is probably in your phone, too.

01:42:18.000 Yeah, probably.

01:42:19.000 To send it to them.

01:42:19.000 Yeah, it's totally possible.

01:42:21.000 But yeah, I love talking shit. 0.99

01:42:23.000 I think that is a thing comics have in common. 0.99

01:42:25.000 And you know what I accept?

01:42:26.000 Also, we like making fun of things. 0.99

01:42:27.000 Is that I'm getting shit talked about me. 0.98

01:42:30.000 Because it has to happen. 1.00

01:42:31.000 If I'm talking this much shit, people are talking shit about me, and I accept it, and it's fine. 0.99

01:42:35.000 I don't want to ever know. 0.99

01:42:37.000 I hate when people go, oh, you know what?

01:42:38.000 Someone was talking about you.

01:42:39.000 I go, why would you tell me that?

01:42:40.000 Right.

01:42:41.000 Be nice.

01:42:42.000 If you overhear something, keep that in that thing.

01:42:44.000 Well, unless that person's like a really good friend, and then you find out that they're backstabbing you, you want to know that.

01:42:50.000 Yeah, yeah, you wanna know that.

01:42:52.000 Especially if they're saying things to a guy you're dating.

01:42:55.000 Oh, yeah.

01:42:56.000 Or that...

01:42:58.000 Oh, God. 0.94

01:43:00.000 That's the dirtiest of dirty. 1.00

01:43:01.000 When you find out, for a guy, when you find out that a friend of yours is talking shit about you to a girl you're dating, you're like, whoa. 0.99

01:43:09.000 Oh, and that happens a lot, because guys... 0.97

01:43:12.000 I've had that happen to me with guys, where it's like, watch out for this guy.

01:43:15.000 I'm like, aren't you best friends? 0.99

01:43:16.000 That's a dirty man. 1.00

01:43:18.000 That's a bad person. 1.00

01:43:19.000 Yeah.

01:43:19.000 Me and my friends, we have a very strict policy of what we call jihad-ing.

01:43:23.000 Which means if you're around a girl that the guy likes, you blow him up to her.

01:43:29.000 You say, oh, he's the best.

01:43:31.000 Guy's awesome.

01:43:32.000 I love that guy.

01:43:32.000 As long as he is.

01:43:34.000 And if he's not, you shouldn't be friends with him anyway.

01:43:35.000 But as long as he is, you let him know.

01:43:39.000 Fill in the blank. 0.98

01:43:40.000 Mike is just a fucking phenomenal guy. 0.98

01:43:43.000 He's such a good dude all the time. 0.98

01:43:46.000 He loves you, too.

01:43:47.000 Says great things about you.

01:43:48.000 I'm already into this guy that you're talking about in this example.

01:43:52.000 I'm like, who is this?

01:43:53.000 I'm like, dude, when I was around, you know, whatever, Shelly, I was like, boom, blew you up.

01:43:58.000 That's what we call it.

01:43:58.000 We call it jihading.

01:44:00.000 My friend Eddie Bravo came up with that term because I would do that.

01:44:04.000 He goes, dude, you totally jihaded me for that girl. 0.99

01:44:07.000 Yes.

01:44:07.000 That's what we'd do.

01:44:08.000 You just blow you up.

01:44:09.000 Let everybody know.

01:44:10.000 Guy's awesome.

01:44:10.000 He's the best.

01:44:11.000 Yep.

01:44:12.000 I do that a lot.

01:44:13.000 It feels good, too. 0.99

01:44:14.000 It feels the opposite of talking shit. 0.99

01:44:15.000 If you're not lying, yeah. 0.99

01:44:16.000 It makes up for it.

01:44:17.000 As long as you're not lying.

01:44:18.000 As long as you're not lying.

01:44:19.000 I love that.

01:44:21.000 Yeah.

01:44:21.000 But it's hard.

01:44:23.000 The petty instinct is to talk shit. 1.00

01:44:26.000 That's the petty instinct. 1.00

01:44:27.000 And some people deserve it, and some people don't.

01:44:30.000 There's different motivations, right? 0.98

01:44:31.000 Sometimes you're talking shit because you're really jealous of someone. 0.97

01:44:34.000 You're jealous of their effort, their work ethic, their success, the way they look. 0.99

01:44:40.000 Fill in the blank.

01:44:41.000 You're jealous of something about them.

01:44:43.000 That's generally, for me, what it is, at the root of it, if I'm going to be honest. 0.97

01:44:46.000 I recently got busted talking shit about someone and it got back to me from another friend and I wrote the girl and I go, I'm just jealous of you.

01:44:55.000 You're cool and you're who I want to be and I want to be friends with you and you didn't seem to want to be friends with me so I decided I hated you and that you weren't to be trusted and I told people that and it wasn't true. 0.79

01:45:05.000 It completely wasn't true.

01:45:06.000 I was threatened by you and you're hot and I don't like that you exist in the same business as me and it makes me jealous.

01:45:11.000 And what did she say?

01:45:12.000 And she said, I totally get that.

01:45:15.000 And at first she just thumbs down my apology, which I love.

01:45:20.000 And then I was like, we're going to be good.

01:45:22.000 But I love apologizing.

01:45:25.000 I love admitting when I've been jealous or petty.

01:45:28.000 And I will continue to do so.

01:45:30.000 But if I'm caught...

01:45:31.000 Good for you.

01:45:32.000 I can be so...

01:45:35.000 It got back to me that I said about this girl that she shouldn't be trusted.

01:45:38.000 And I go, I don't even know why I would say that about her.

01:45:41.000 I have no evidence to back that up.

01:45:42.000 Equals, I was just petty and jealous in that moment.

01:45:45.000 So I wrote her and was like, dude, I don't know what was going through my mind that week.

01:45:49.000 But yeah, I did say that about you.

01:45:52.000 It's a standard instinct.

01:45:54.000 It's a standard emotion.

01:45:55.000 It's so common.

01:45:57.000 Yeah, and as a woman in this business, I support women so much, but I'm aware of every woman who is doing the same thing I'm doing.

01:46:10.000 I'm aware who are the up-and-comers, and I take them under my wing and I build them up, but I'm aware.

01:46:16.000 There's a part of me that's like...

01:46:22.000 What was that big, crazy, deep breath?

01:46:24.000 That was me seeing a headline of them on Deadline.

01:46:28.000 That they're doing good?

01:46:30.000 Yeah, just like...

01:46:31.000 That they have a new show?

01:46:32.000 I know that it's good for all of us, but like...

01:46:34.000 What if they have a new show and it's in the slot that your show was in?

01:46:38.000 You know what it is?

01:46:39.000 I literally have to unfollow girls sometimes who I'm friends with, who are comedians, who are my peers and who I respect and think they're funny.

01:46:48.000 I have to unfollow them.

01:46:49.000 If I see that they're just like, I'm working a lot right now and they're putting it out there that they're like really busy with work and I just got kicked off dancing with the stars.

01:46:59.000 I have to unfollow them.

01:47:00.000 Why?

01:47:00.000 Because I start to feel sad about myself, and I would rather just remove that from my feed.

01:47:06.000 And then it's a really awkward follow when I know, or they message me on one of those things, and they see I'm not following them.

01:47:12.000 Because it's like, we all know we follow each other.

01:47:14.000 They know.

01:47:15.000 And sometimes I'll just tell them, I unfollowed you because you make me feel sad about my own career.

01:47:20.000 Yeah, but you gotta get over that.

01:47:22.000 It's easier to just take them out of my feed.

01:47:24.000 Yeah, but that's a weird one.

01:47:26.000 I am working to get over it.

01:47:28.000 You should wrestle with that.

01:47:28.000 I am.

01:47:28.000 Yeah, you should just use it as inspiration.

01:47:32.000 Use them as fuel to work harder.

01:47:35.000 Yeah, I do, but I would also like to not see their tour date schedule.

01:47:39.000 That's so crazy!

01:47:41.000 It's crazy!

01:47:41.000 You gotta let that one go.

01:47:43.000 That's not a good one to accept.

01:47:45.000 I don't think.

01:47:46.000 You know what?

01:47:47.000 I'm probably going to unfollow all of you guys with your workouts and your calorie counts that you post.

01:47:54.000 People got mad because I posted them a couple times. 1.00

01:47:56.000 I can't stand that shit. 0.99

01:47:56.000 But I didn't even post the big one. 0.99

01:47:58.000 That's triggering as fuck to people who are like... 0.98

01:48:03.000 It, you know, hate their bodies and stuff. 0.99

01:48:05.000 Yeah.

01:48:06.000 It can be very triggering.

01:48:07.000 So, like, when I see girls that are like, I just ran a marathon, I'm like, unfollow. 1.00

01:48:11.000 I can't have you in my life bragging about this shit. 0.99

01:48:14.000 Listen, I go to the gym, too, and I don't tweet about it. 1.00

01:48:17.000 I want to. 0.98

01:48:18.000 Goddamn, I want to. 0.98

01:48:19.000 I just burnt so many calories. 0.95

01:48:22.000 But I don't tweet about it because I don't want to trigger people and I don't want to be what I am so jealous of.

01:48:29.000 But I should brag about it.

01:48:30.000 I also like that some people are like, look at what I just did at the gym. 1.00

01:48:34.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:48:35.000 I worked today. 1.00

01:48:36.000 And they're proud of themselves, but I can't...

01:48:38.000 See, I get inspired.

01:48:40.000 You know who I go to all the time for inspiration?

01:48:43.000 The Rock.

01:48:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:48:44.000 That motherfucker never stops. 1.00

01:48:47.000 He never stops. 1.00

01:48:48.000 I mean, I don't want to do what he's doing.

01:48:50.000 I don't want to do these movies.

01:48:51.000 I don't want to do what he's doing. 0.98

01:48:52.000 But I fucking admire the shit out of that guy's work ethic. 0.97

01:48:55.000 That guy will fly to Tokyo. 0.99

01:48:57.000 It'll be four o'clock in the morning.

01:48:58.000 He sets up an elliptical machine and starts going after it.

01:49:01.000 That's what he does.

01:49:02.000 And that doesn't put you in a place of like, I can't do that.

01:49:06.000 But the thing is, Joe Rogan, you can do that.

01:49:09.000 Look at that.

01:49:09.000 Look at all his food.

01:49:10.000 And he gets to do that.

01:49:11.000 Midnight.

01:49:12.000 Oh, God. 1.00

01:49:13.000 He landed in London midnight, ordered sushi like a motherfucker. 0.99

01:49:17.000 Go to his Instagram with all the workout ones. 0.99

01:49:20.000 You are the rock, Joe.

01:49:22.000 You are the rock.

01:49:23.000 You do these workouts all the time.

01:49:26.000 But that's how you get that.

01:49:29.000 You get to work.

01:49:30.000 Look at that shirt.

01:49:32.000 That's what I'm saying, rock!

01:49:34.000 You tell him, Dwayne!

01:49:36.000 You tell him!

01:49:38.000 Get after it! 0.92

01:49:41.000 I got a text today from David Goggins, and I told David Goggins I'm trying to beat everyone by double. 0.99

01:49:47.000 He's like, fuck yeah! 1.00

01:49:48.000 Kill it! 1.00

01:49:49.000 Like a hundred capital, a hundred exclamation points. 1.00

01:49:53.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:49:54.000 Look at that dude.

01:49:56.000 Focused!

01:49:57.000 I see that.

01:49:58.000 I want to go work out right now.

01:49:59.000 Are you insecure about anything right now in your life?

01:50:03.000 Well, people are always insecure.

01:50:04.000 You're a human being.

01:50:05.000 Yeah, I want to know.

01:50:05.000 I mean, it's not something that's like, well, I'm always insecure about my act.

01:50:09.000 I'm always working on it.

01:50:10.000 Okay.

01:50:10.000 You know, I'm always, like, trying to pick it apart and look at it like someone who hates it.

01:50:15.000 Yeah.

01:50:16.000 I'm always trying to, like, hmm, where's the flaws?

01:50:18.000 You know, I'm always trying to...

01:50:19.000 I heard you talking about that the other day of like now that you've done your special ones out and like watching it now you come up with new tags and you're like oh god!

01:50:26.000 Always.

01:50:27.000 Always.

01:50:28.000 But that's because you're always growing and learning and getting better and I think comedy is like a living thing.

01:50:34.000 It's like it's alive.

01:50:35.000 You keep watering and it keeps growing.

01:50:37.000 You know and sometimes you have to trim things to make it better just like a bush.

01:50:41.000 You know you trim a little here trim a little there it gets fuller.

01:50:43.000 You know there's but then also it grows and gets bigger.

01:50:47.000 You know, but then you got to release it at a certain point in time.

01:50:50.000 My schedule seems to be two years. 0.97

01:50:53.000 It seems to be I develop a full solid hour in a year and then I hammer that motherfucker like a samurai sword for the next eight months and then I film it and then four months later it airs and then I start from scratch. 0.97

01:51:05.000 Is that Kardashian bet in the new special? 0.98

01:51:07.000 That's in the last one.

01:51:08.000 That's in the last one?

01:51:09.000 That's in Triggered.

01:51:09.000 That one was so...

01:51:11.000 I've seen your...

01:51:13.000 Your stuff is...

01:51:14.000 How do you write?

01:51:16.000 Do you literally write right?

01:51:18.000 I write right.

01:51:20.000 I'll show you how I write.

01:51:23.000 One of the things that I've been using over the last couple of years, I always write in Microsoft Word and shit like that, but I use this program called Scrivener that I really like.

01:51:32.000 And the reason why I really like it, especially when I'm doing new stuff, is the way it's set up.

01:51:39.000 If you...

01:51:41.000 Oh, wait.

01:51:42.000 I know the bit that is in the new one that I love, that you've just done, the women inventing things. 1.00

01:51:48.000 Oh.

01:51:48.000 Oh, my God.

01:51:51.000 That bit, I saw that grow.

01:51:53.000 That was a devastating bit.

01:51:55.000 Thank you.

01:51:55.000 Because the first time I saw it, it was already like...

01:51:58.000 One of those bits where you, as a comedian, you watch and you just go, what am I doing?

01:52:03.000 One of those, you know, we've all been in the back of the room going, what am I doing if that's what's happening?

01:52:07.000 And then that was like early stages of that bit.

01:52:10.000 And then it became something so much more.

01:52:12.000 I haven't seen your special yet.

01:52:14.000 I'm excited to see where it landed.

01:52:16.000 But that's an incredible bit.

01:52:18.000 Thank you.

01:52:18.000 But where does that start for you?

01:52:20.000 Here.

01:52:20.000 So this is, with this in Scrivener, if you see here, this is all my new stuff.

01:52:25.000 So these are all the categories, and I click on each category, and when I go to each category, I have all the material that I've written out about each category.

01:52:33.000 All I just saw in caps was, it's not cool to kick robots.

01:52:37.000 That's already such a funny line.

01:52:40.000 Do you know what that's about?

01:52:41.000 PETA. PETA released a statement because Boston Dynamics has created these robots that are self-balancing.

01:52:49.000 So they have like a gyroscope in them.

01:52:50.000 So these scientists were kicking these robots, these four-legged robots.

01:52:55.000 And PETA released a statement saying that it's not cool to kick robots.

01:52:59.000 No, they didn't!

01:53:00.000 And I'm like, yes, they did. 1.00

01:53:02.000 I'm like, you fucking weak pussies. 1.00

01:53:04.000 This is going to be problem number one when the robots take over. 1.00

01:53:07.000 They're going to open up the door.

01:53:10.000 Like, you know, robots are alive and they're sentient and you can't kick them. 1.00

01:53:15.000 They're going to eat your family, you fuck. 1.00

01:53:17.000 And at the same point in time, they're coming up with these more and more advanced artificial intelligence. 1.00

01:53:24.000 So this is how I write.

01:53:26.000 So this is essentially stage two.

01:53:29.000 So stage one is, you know, I do everything in Microsoft Word.

01:53:33.000 So this is in Microsoft Word.

01:53:34.000 All of these are...

01:53:35.000 And it's just like you just loose thoughts.

01:53:38.000 You're not really editing as you go.

01:53:40.000 Exactly.

01:53:41.000 So like this...

01:53:42.000 Which one is this?

01:53:43.000 This one is...

01:53:44.000 This is a lot.

01:53:46.000 Yeah, right.

01:53:46.000 You gotta write.

01:53:47.000 This is how I think.

01:53:49.000 I think you gotta do two things.

01:53:51.000 You gotta ad-lib.

01:53:52.000 You gotta do it on stage.

01:53:53.000 You gotta work things out on stage.

01:53:55.000 But I think... 1.00

01:53:56.000 You're foolish to not write as well. 0.99

01:53:58.000 Because I think there's so much to be gained by sitting in front of a computer working on your act. 0.99

01:54:03.000 That's one step.

01:54:05.000 Another step is you have to review your act.

01:54:07.000 You have to listen to it or watch it.

01:54:09.000 Preferably watch it.

01:54:10.000 I learned a lot watching the editing when I was editing the special.

01:54:13.000 I had a snip.

01:54:15.000 I decided I wanted it to be an hour.

01:54:17.000 And my set was like an hour and 17 minutes.

01:54:19.000 So I said, let me just cut. 0.97

01:54:20.000 I just wanted to just fucking... 0.99

01:54:22.000 Boom! 0.99

01:54:23.000 Just one hour, boom, and done.

01:54:25.000 So I cut a couple of bits out.

01:54:28.000 But, when I did that, I was like, watching the video, I was like, you know what, I should really videotape everything.

01:54:33.000 I should watch a video because it's so much more immersive than just audio.

01:54:38.000 You know, you only get so much out of audio.

01:54:41.000 I kind of know my expressions and all the different things that I'm doing, but when I see them, I go, oh, it's better if I move like this, or it's better if I pause there, it's better if I raise my eyebrows, it's better if I look concerned.

01:54:53.000 You don't realize how much of Comedy is the physical thing.

01:54:59.000 Until you do watch it, you're so right.

01:55:00.000 And you're right about writing it down.

01:55:02.000 Anytime I've had to do a transcript, because I don't write anything down longhand, but when I've had to do a transcript for a Tonight Show or Just for Laughs festival and see it, then you start writing new tags and you're like, all this took was from me.

01:55:13.000 To write it out.

01:55:14.000 But then what do you do from Microsoft Word?

01:55:16.000 Then you take it to...

01:55:17.000 Then I take it to that Scrivener.

01:55:18.000 And then what do you do there?

01:55:19.000 I take the stuff from Microsoft Word and then I trim it down.

01:55:23.000 And when I trim it down, I put it in Scrivener.

01:55:26.000 And when I trim it down and put it in Scrivener, what I'm essentially doing is saying, okay, this is ready to play.

01:55:32.000 And then...

01:55:33.000 What does Scrivener do? 1.00

01:55:34.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:55:35.000 I left my fucking notebook in the hotel room. 1.00

01:55:37.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:55:38.000 Oh, damn. 1.00

01:55:39.000 Someone's going to freak out. 0.99

01:55:40.000 So...

01:55:42.000 Then, from there, I write things out on an actual notebook.

01:55:46.000 And the actual notebook is basically just to get my set list in order and to make sure I highlight all the different tags.

01:55:54.000 So there's three stages.

01:55:56.000 There's the Microsoft Word stage, which is basically just free-form, free association, writing things down.

01:56:04.000 There's no structure to it.

01:56:05.000 Sometimes it comes out like a bit.

01:56:07.000 Sometimes it's just nonsense that never goes anywhere.

01:56:10.000 But you needed to get out anyway so you could get to other stuff.

01:56:13.000 It's like purging.

01:56:14.000 I don't know if you need it, but there's a road that you get onto.

01:56:18.000 And as you're on that road, all of a sudden you're like, oh look, I found a bag of gold.

01:56:22.000 And you don't find that bag of gold if you stay home.

01:56:25.000 You gotta walk.

01:56:26.000 You gotta get out there.

01:56:27.000 And that's what the writing does.

01:56:29.000 What the writing does is it allows you to pick up these little bags of gold along the way.

01:56:32.000 And then I take these little bags of gold and I pile them up and then I throw them into the fortress.

01:56:37.000 And the fortress is like Scrivener.

01:56:39.000 So then I can move those bits around.

01:56:41.000 What does Scrivener do?

01:56:43.000 Why is it different than Microsoft Word?

01:56:45.000 Well, the reason why it's different is because it's set up in columns, right?

01:56:48.000 And it also has cork boards.

01:56:51.000 See, Jamie's got it up on the big screen.

01:56:53.000 So in the cork boards, see how it's set up right here?

01:56:57.000 Each one of these things, if you go to the left side here, each one of these categories, I can move and I can change.

01:57:05.000 I can have that bit in the beginning, and this bit at the end.

01:57:08.000 And then, once I'm in the bit, I can also go to this, and that sets me up with a corkboard.

01:57:13.000 So I can have, like, I can set up little note, like, little...

01:57:19.000 Set list.

01:57:19.000 Well, like that, like up there.

01:57:22.000 Little notepad things.

01:57:23.000 So I could write down on these index cards, like, don't forget this, or this is important here, or this tagline is huge.

01:57:31.000 Try switching this around.

01:57:33.000 And it's just this constant...

01:57:35.000 But are you already like this?

01:57:37.000 Are you already this kind of an organized person?

01:57:39.000 Have you always been this way?

01:57:40.000 No.

01:57:40.000 No, this is a discipline thing.

01:57:43.000 I want to get like that.

01:57:45.000 If you can teach yourself to be like that, because I just feel like some people are made that way.

01:57:49.000 This is not me.

01:57:50.000 No.

01:57:51.000 No, I'm not like this at all.

01:57:52.000 But I look at your backpack you just brought out, and every pocket has a thing and a pen has a place.

01:57:57.000 It's because I just cleaned it up.

01:57:59.000 No, you're like that, Joe.

01:58:00.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:58:01.000 If you caught that three days ago, those fucking wires are coming out. 0.99

01:58:04.000 What's your car like? 1.00

01:58:05.000 Chaos.

01:58:05.000 Really?

01:58:06.000 You got a messy car?

01:58:07.000 Empty cans.

01:58:07.000 Really?

01:58:07.000 Yeah.

01:58:08.000 Oh, that makes me and so many people listening feel so good right now.

01:58:11.000 I clean it up a lot, but a lot of times...

01:58:13.000 What's your house like?

01:58:14.000 I mean, I know you probably have people come in and clean, but if you're in a hotel room over the weekend and don't have a maid service, what are we looking at?

01:58:21.000 Chaos.

01:58:22.000 Everything's spread out all over the place.

01:58:23.000 Socks.

01:58:24.000 Your suitcase isn't like meat. 1.00

01:58:24.000 No, I throw that bitch. 1.00

01:58:26.000 I throw it. 1.00

01:58:26.000 I love knowing this. 1.00

01:58:27.000 Hits the ground.

01:58:28.000 Yeah.

01:58:29.000 But when I'm in a room, like a hotel room, it's basically like battle camp.

01:58:35.000 I'm ready to roll.

01:58:36.000 You know?

01:58:36.000 I don't care what it looks like.

01:58:38.000 I'm here.

01:58:39.000 I'm on a clear path to the shower.

01:58:41.000 I have a desk.

01:58:43.000 As soon as I get into the hotel room, I set the computer down on the desk.

01:58:46.000 I plug it in, get connected to the Wi-Fi.

01:58:49.000 It depends on how long I'm there for, what I'm going to do.

01:58:55.000 I get to work.

01:58:56.000 If I'm there, I'm there to work.

01:58:59.000 I set everything up.

01:59:01.000 You don't spend time folding shirts and socks and put different things in compartments. 0.99

01:59:07.000 I don't fold shit. 0.98

01:59:08.000 I also buy these shirts. 0.98

01:59:10.000 There's a company that I work with called Mizzen and Main, and they make these shirts that are super flexy.

01:59:15.000 I don't know if you've ever seen me wear these shirts on stage.

01:59:18.000 I wore it on my last special, and I wore it on this special.

01:59:21.000 They're like pajamas.

01:59:23.000 You pull on them and they have a flex to them so they don't feel like anything and they never get wrinkly.

01:59:28.000 Oh, that's good. 0.95

01:59:29.000 So I could roll that bitch up in a ball and throw it into that suitcase and then pull it out and wear it and you would never know. 1.00

01:59:35.000 Efficient, yeah. 0.98

01:59:36.000 But it's just they're the best to wear because when you're on stage they don't feel like anything.

01:59:40.000 They feel like you're wearing nothing.

01:59:42.000 What is this again?

01:59:43.000 Mizzen and Main is the name of the company.

01:59:44.000 Mizzen and Main.

01:59:45.000 Do they make women's stuff? 1.00

01:59:46.000 That's a good question.

01:59:47.000 I do not know.

01:59:48.000 Find out.

01:59:49.000 So I wear them and I wear these jeans that have like flex to them.

01:59:53.000 So the jeans are like pajamas too.

01:59:55.000 Like the jeans, they're literally like sweatpants.

01:59:57.000 Like you pull them, they snap.

01:59:58.000 So they don't get wrinkly either.

02:00:00.000 And what's your like...

02:00:03.000 Like your skin care regimen.

02:00:06.000 Do you spend a lot of time on that stuff?

02:00:08.000 Before you go to bed, are you washing your face?

02:00:10.000 Are you applying oils and creams?

02:00:13.000 No.

02:00:13.000 I mean, I wash my face.

02:00:14.000 Yeah.

02:00:15.000 Yeah.

02:00:15.000 But you don't waste a lot of time doing stuff that doesn't...

02:00:20.000 You're very utilitarian, but not...

02:00:24.000 I'm not getting Botox, if that's what you mean.

02:00:25.000 I'm a man.

02:00:26.000 No, no, no.

02:00:26.000 I definitely don't think...

02:00:28.000 You look like your best self.

02:00:30.000 I'm saying, you literally seem ageless to me.

02:00:32.000 I don't understand you.

02:00:34.000 But it is interesting to me because I would have thought you were very meticulous with, like, organization and wasted a lot of time organizing things, and I like that you don't.

02:00:42.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:00:44.000 I think you have to have both.

02:00:46.000 There has to be, look, if you're a comic, right, and if you're good, especially, I think there's a certain amount of you that has to be impulsive.

02:00:53.000 It has to be reckless and impulsive, and you have to be, like, one move away from ruining your life all the time.

02:01:00.000 But you have to keep it under control. 0.77

02:01:02.000 It's like you have a wolf and you have it behind this flimsy chain link fence that you're just like, I'm going to wire this fucking shut and I'm going to go to work and I hope the wolf doesn't get out.

02:01:11.000 That's literally what it's got to be like. 0.85

02:01:13.000 But then you also have to have discipline.

02:01:14.000 And I think those two counterbalance each other.

02:01:17.000 And one of the things that's helped my act tremendously over the last few years...

02:01:22.000 I think Triggered was my best special ever and I think this one is better than that.

02:01:27.000 I think Strange Times is better than Triggered.

02:01:29.000 And one of the things that over the last three or four years that I've really concentrated on is this process.

02:01:34.000 The process of organizing and being very meticulous about like how I structure my material and then doing a lot of sets too. 0.99

02:01:43.000 You got to do that and then fuck around and go on stage drunk. 0.99

02:01:46.000 I like to go on stage high. 1.00

02:01:47.000 I like to fuck around because those are workout sets. 0.99

02:01:50.000 In those moments of chaos, sometimes a thing will come out that wasn't there before. 1.00

02:01:57.000 It just pops out of nowhere and that motherfucker might be my Bruce Jenner bit. 0.99

02:02:03.000 That might be my closing bit. 0.99

02:02:05.000 Those bits are rare.

02:02:07.000 They're strange.

02:02:08.000 They're ethereal.

02:02:10.000 They come out of the sky.

02:02:11.000 You don't know where they're from.

02:02:12.000 And you have to nurture that.

02:02:14.000 And that comes from chaos.

02:02:16.000 And that's not necessarily a discipline thing.

02:02:21.000 The creativity and the madness has to sort of...

02:02:25.000 They have to share space with the discipline.

02:02:28.000 They have to go back and forth with each other.

02:02:31.000 So we've always thought... 0.99

02:02:33.000 Like, people have always thought of comedians as being, like, sad people, or drunks, or messy people, or not disciplined, don't have their shit together, but why? 0.99

02:02:42.000 I don't think that's the case. 0.99

02:02:44.000 Like, I'm always gonna be fucked up, right? 0.98

02:02:46.000 Okay, so how about I be fucked up, but I also keep it together, you know? 0.99

02:02:50.000 So I always have these thoughts, you know? 0.99

02:02:52.000 Like, I still have crazy thoughts.

02:02:54.000 Like what? 1.00

02:02:54.000 Like, what's your, what are you, why are you fucked up? 1.00

02:02:57.000 Like, what are you, what's your fucked up thoughts? 1.00

02:02:58.000 Well, I probably definitely have brain damage. 1.00

02:03:00.000 I probably definitely have some sort of head trauma-induced damage.

02:03:05.000 I don't know what's going on.

02:03:06.000 But how does that manifest itself?

02:03:08.000 I don't know.

02:03:08.000 Do you get anxious?

02:03:10.000 Sure, sometimes.

02:03:11.000 Yeah.

02:03:12.000 You have moments where you're like, gah!

02:03:14.000 Not totally like that. 0.99

02:03:15.000 But also, I work out so much that I drain all that shit out of my system. 0.99

02:03:20.000 And you meditate, right? 1.00

02:03:21.000 Yes.

02:03:22.000 And I spend a lot of time doing float tank, too.

02:03:25.000 I have a float tank right here.

02:03:27.000 That helps a lot. 0.99

02:03:28.000 But I think that if I did slow down, people are like, oh, you fucking work out so much because you're afraid you're crazy. 0.98

02:03:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:03:35.000 Yeah.

02:03:36.000 Exactly.

02:03:36.000 Yeah.

02:03:36.000 What are you saying?

02:03:37.000 Saying something I don't already know?

02:03:38.000 Literally, when I'm running, I'm like, you're running.

02:03:40.000 I'm Forrest Gumping right now.

02:03:41.000 When I'm going through the worst times of my life, I could just run forever.

02:03:45.000 And that's when you see old men running and you're like, what are you? 0.97

02:03:48.000 Where are you running from?

02:03:49.000 You're running from something.

02:03:51.000 When you work out that much, you're running from something.

02:03:53.000 And I'll admit to it.

02:03:54.000 It's a great coping.

02:03:55.000 It's better than...

02:03:56.000 Drinking for me.

02:03:57.000 Well, but it works.

02:03:59.000 That's the thing.

02:04:00.000 It does. 0.95

02:04:01.000 Yeah, like, if you are crazy, and you do, like, if you're a comedian, guess what? 1.00

02:04:05.000 You're fucking crazy if you're a good one. 1.00

02:04:07.000 I never met a good one that's not crazy. 1.00

02:04:09.000 I mean, everybody's got their own crazy.

02:04:10.000 Like, Howie Mandel's crazy is he can't touch people.

02:04:12.000 He's got to put paper towels on the ground every time he walks.

02:04:16.000 When he goes to a hotel room, you know what he does?

02:04:17.000 He lays out paper towels, a pathway to his bathroom, to the bed.

02:04:22.000 And he won't touch people's hands.

02:04:24.000 He's a severe germaphobe.

02:04:26.000 Super nice guy.

02:04:27.000 One of the nicest guys you'll ever meet.

02:04:29.000 That's his crazy. 0.96

02:04:30.000 His crazy is different than your crazy. 0.98

02:04:31.000 Your crazy is different than my crazy. 0.98

02:04:34.000 My crazy is different than Crystalia's crazy. 0.99

02:04:36.000 Everybody's crazy. 0.71

02:04:36.000 I know. 0.71

02:04:37.000 We're all crazy. 0.91

02:04:38.000 Everyone's so crazy. 0.77

02:04:39.000 You have to be to be good.

02:04:40.000 You have to be.

02:04:41.000 You have to embrace that.

02:04:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:04:42.000 There's no way else you're coming up with the kind of fucked up shit that you and I say on stage that you say in front of a bunch of people. 1.00

02:04:50.000 And then you hit it with a tagline and then you take it to another place. 1.00

02:04:53.000 Like, there's no way you're normal.

02:04:55.000 There's no way.

02:04:56.000 No.

02:04:56.000 It's not possible.

02:04:59.000 But are we more crazy than the average person?

02:05:04.000 No, that's the thing.

02:05:05.000 We're just more aware of it. 1.00

02:05:07.000 Everyone's fucking crazy. 0.99

02:05:08.000 I bet less crazy than the average person because we're free to express ourselves. 1.00

02:05:11.000 The average person has to live this fucking bizarre contained life where you show up the same place every day, do something you don't want to do every day with a bunch of people you probably don't even like. 0.97

02:05:23.000 And you're all backstabbing and weird with each other and you're just doing it for a paycheck. 0.97

02:05:29.000 You know, and you're spending the majority of your time here on this heavenly body hurling through infinity, doing something you don't want to do.

02:05:37.000 They don't like.

02:05:38.000 Yeah, that's more crazy.

02:05:40.000 What you and I are doing, at least we're doing something we love.

02:05:43.000 Yeah.

02:05:43.000 And then that feeling that you get.

02:05:45.000 I mean, I've seen you crush, right? 0.98

02:05:47.000 You go on stage in the main room and you fucking crush and you say, thank you, goodnight, and everybody goes, ah! 0.96

02:05:55.000 That feeling of making all those people happy, they went out, they got babysitters, they got together, they dressed up, they went to dinner, they got to the comedy store, they ordered drinks, they sat down there and you fulfilled their expectations. 0.97

02:06:12.000 You gave them what they wanted to see and I've seen you do it and that feeling that you get when that happens, it's indescribable.

02:06:19.000 It's a drug.

02:06:20.000 For sure.

02:06:21.000 You made 300 people happy.

02:06:24.000 You made them all laugh.

02:06:25.000 I mean, there's nothing like it on Earth for us. 1.00

02:06:28.000 I mean, don't you see people that never get to kill and you go, oh, you poor bitch. 1.00

02:06:32.000 Never get to kill. 1.00

02:06:33.000 You just go through your life as a doctor.

02:06:35.000 You never get to kill.

02:06:37.000 You never kill.

02:06:38.000 How do you go through life without killing?

02:06:41.000 Honestly, I wanted to die.

02:06:42.000 I was on a path to, like, I'll probably just kill myself someday if I don't find a purpose. 0.67

02:06:47.000 And then killing gave me a purpose.

02:06:50.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:06:51.000 Killing on stage. 0.64

02:06:52.000 Killing on stage was like, okay, now I have a reason to live. 1.00

02:06:55.000 That's, like, fucked up. 1.00

02:06:57.000 It's fucked up. 1.00

02:06:57.000 It's so fucked up. 1.00

02:06:58.000 But it keeps me going, and I get to continue to do it. 1.00

02:07:02.000 It's fucked up, but... 0.97

02:07:03.000 This is a struggle to do, and that makes it more exciting. 0.98

02:07:06.000 But don't you like the art of comedy?

02:07:08.000 Like, didn't you like it before you ever did it?

02:07:09.000 Hell yes! 0.74

02:07:10.000 It's the greatest!

02:07:12.000 It's such a...

02:07:13.000 Yeah, I mean...

02:07:14.000 But it just never seemed like an option to me.

02:07:16.000 Like, I didn't even, like, look at stand-ups like, oh, that's something I could ever...

02:07:20.000 I don't think anybody does until you do it.

02:07:22.000 There's some people that are like, what I grew up all I did was I memorized comedy and I performed it for my class and I memorized people's stand-up.

02:07:29.000 It was never even something I paid attention to until people were like, you should do it.

02:07:33.000 I paid attention to it and I could do routines.

02:07:36.000 I liked SNL and Conan and everything, but stand-up I was never really aware of.

02:07:40.000 What was your exposure to it early on?

02:07:44.000 Well, when I was about, I think I was 13 or 14, my parents took me to see live on the Sunset Strip.

02:07:50.000 Yeah.

02:07:51.000 It was in the movie theater.

02:07:53.000 And it was Richard Pryor.

02:07:55.000 And it was absolutely the first time I'd ever seen anything like that.

02:07:58.000 Oh, so you had cool parents.

02:07:59.000 Oh, yeah.

02:08:00.000 Hippies.

02:08:00.000 Yeah.

02:08:01.000 And that moment when I was in that audience watching that and in dying laughing and looking around I remember I really really distinctly remember looking not just looking at the screen but looking at all the people that were just like slapping the chair and moving around and holding their chest and Thinking how insane is it that this guy can do this that this guy can just talk and just through talking He's making me laugh way harder than any movie

02:08:32.000 I'd ever seen in my life.

02:08:33.000 And I think that movie came out, I think Live at the Sunset Show came out around the same time as Stripes, which is one of my all-time favorite comedies.

02:08:42.000 But I remember thinking, why isn't Stripes as funny as that guy talking?

02:08:46.000 How insane is this thing that this guy can do?

02:08:50.000 Where he's just talking.

02:08:52.000 Stripes, I'm watching all this stuff play out, and there's tanks.

02:08:55.000 Yeah.

02:08:56.000 But he's funnier than that.

02:08:59.000 And I remember thinking he's funnier than any movie that I've ever seen.

02:09:02.000 Even a Richard Pryor movie.

02:09:04.000 A Richard Pryor movie.

02:09:06.000 They're never as funny as him talking.

02:09:08.000 Him talking is way funnier.

02:09:10.000 It's the funniest thing.

02:09:11.000 It's the funniest thing.

02:09:12.000 A comic killing.

02:09:13.000 I remember my friend Steve Sharippa.

02:09:15.000 He said something about...

02:09:16.000 He went to see something about Mary.

02:09:20.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:09:20.000 And Steve Sharippa is this fucking old school Italian guy. 0.99

02:09:23.000 He was on The Sopranos. 0.99

02:09:25.000 Yeah.

02:09:25.000 He said...

02:09:26.000 He goes, it was as good as someone killing.

02:09:29.000 That's what he said. 0.92

02:09:30.000 He was as good as a comic killing.

02:09:32.000 That's how funny that movie is.

02:09:33.000 I was like, wow.

02:09:35.000 What a crazy statement.

02:09:37.000 It's as good as a comic killing.

02:09:38.000 Like, it's universally accepted that if you go to see, you know, fill in the blank, Dave Chappelle, whoever it is that's killing, Bill Burr, when they're on stage smashing, that that's probably the funniest thing you could ever experience.

02:09:52.000 So the art form itself is, to me, like...

02:09:56.000 It's the craziest, most dynamic art form.

02:10:00.000 It's that we stand up there with a microphone and talk into it, and that's all we have.

02:10:04.000 There are times where I'm on stage and I'm like, how are you doing this?

02:10:08.000 You have that moment that other people say to you all the time, like, how do you just...

02:10:13.000 You know, musicians say it.

02:10:14.000 They're like, I have a guitar and I get to sing and I rely on all these things.

02:10:18.000 You just have to talk.

02:10:19.000 And there's no other option for us.

02:10:21.000 It's like, that's all we've ever done.

02:10:23.000 But it is a wild thing that we do.

02:10:26.000 It is, but, you know, musicians have their own wildness.

02:10:28.000 I mean, could you imagine?

02:10:30.000 Oh, God, no!

02:10:31.000 Yeah.

02:10:34.000 No, because I have no skill. 0.95

02:10:36.000 I don't have it either, but I admire the shit out of it. 0.70

02:10:38.000 One of the reasons why I admire it is because I don't have it. 0.97

02:10:41.000 Yes.

02:10:41.000 I have friends that are musicians and I go to see them live and it's so fulfilling to me because I have no talent.

02:10:48.000 So when I watch them do it, I was like, this is amazing that they can do this.

02:10:52.000 I can't do that.

02:10:53.000 That's incredible.

02:10:54.000 When I go to see Cirque du Soleil, I get the same feeling.

02:10:57.000 Wow!

02:10:57.000 Yes, doing Dancing with the Stars.

02:10:59.000 I'm just like watching these dancers like how did you just do like that?

02:11:03.000 That took me months to learn and you just taught it to this girl in three minutes for her to fill in for me to do the camera block like it was just like I couldn't but yet you that is the thing of the wonder of like I just can't I don't even know what that's like to do but I of course do you play any instrument?

02:11:18.000 Do you have any musical ability?

02:11:19.000 None.

02:11:20.000 Zero.

02:11:20.000 Seems like you would.

02:11:21.000 Nope.

02:11:22.000 I know. 0.99

02:11:22.000 Doesn't it suck? 0.99

02:11:23.000 No. 0.99

02:11:24.000 You don't want it?

02:11:25.000 No, it's good.

02:11:25.000 I don't want to learn anything.

02:11:26.000 I do too much shit already. 1.00

02:11:28.000 Yeah, you really do. 1.00

02:11:28.000 I don't want to. 1.00

02:11:29.000 You don't need it.

02:11:30.000 I'm trying to manage my time.

02:11:33.000 I have to manage my obsessions.

02:11:35.000 But I think that what you're seeing, whether it's in music or going to see a great comic or anything, what you're seeing is these portals for expression.

02:11:46.000 And the more they concentrate on that portal for expression, whether it's dancing or whether it's musicians or...

02:11:52.000 Even someone making a film, the more they concentrate on those portals of expression, the better the message and the better the impact it's going to be for the people that are enjoying it, the people that watch it.

02:12:03.000 And I think Paul Mooney told me that a long time ago when I was a young comic coming up and he was like the old sage at the comedy store.

02:12:11.000 He goes, if you really want to get good at comedy, you want to go up and kill?

02:12:14.000 He goes, you should go get entertained.

02:12:16.000 Go get entertained.

02:12:17.000 I go, really?

02:12:18.000 He goes, yeah.

02:12:19.000 He goes, you know what I do?

02:12:20.000 I go to see some music.

02:12:21.000 I go to see a movie.

02:12:22.000 I get entertained.

02:12:23.000 I get entertained and I want to entertain.

02:12:25.000 I was like, oh, that makes sense. 0.98

02:12:27.000 Like you go see someone kick ass, right? 0.98

02:12:30.000 When, you know, you go see someone sing and it's fucking amazing and you're like, God, that portal for expression. 0.98

02:12:38.000 Like they've honed whatever message that's going to go through that portal and it reaches you. 0.77

02:12:44.000 It's the result of hundreds if not thousands of hours of twisting and turning and hammering and sculpting and massaging and sanding and then you get to see it in this finished form.

02:12:57.000 It's inspiring. 0.99

02:12:59.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

02:13:00.000 Do you go see a lot of music and movies? 1.00

02:13:01.000 I see as much as I can, yeah.

02:13:03.000 I do it on purpose.

02:13:04.000 I try to be entertained on purpose. 0.96

02:13:07.000 You saying that to me just now, it's like, I need to work harder at doing, like, it sounds stupid, but I need to go enjoy myself and be entertained more. 0.83

02:13:15.000 You're absolutely right, because every time I do, I walk away from it, and I go and be a better comedian.

02:13:20.000 Yeah, I think, well, Mooney, like I said, he told me that in the 90s.

02:13:24.000 And he's such a wise man.

02:13:26.000 And when he told me that, I remember thinking, like, God, that fucking totally, completely makes sense.

02:13:31.000 And I think we don't do enough of that. 0.72

02:13:34.000 And also, I think if you just do only comedy and you're around comedy all the time, you can get too wrapped up in it.

02:13:40.000 You get too in your own head.

02:13:42.000 And it takes away a little bit of your ability to be free.

02:13:45.000 Yeah.

02:13:47.000 I don't seek out comedy.

02:13:49.000 I see enough of it.

02:13:50.000 But movies...

02:13:51.000 I went to a musical last week.

02:13:52.000 I forced myself to go just watch people be great at that.

02:13:55.000 And it was...

02:13:55.000 I left feeling...

02:13:57.000 It's good to do.

02:13:59.000 It's hard to do, though.

02:14:00.000 It's hard.

02:14:00.000 To watch a movie, I feel accomplished at the end of it.

02:14:03.000 Like I read a book.

02:14:04.000 Yeah.

02:14:05.000 That's where I've gotten to now.

02:14:06.000 It depends on if it's a good movie.

02:14:08.000 You know, if you see something that's like Ex Machina, it's like one of my favorite movies of all time.

02:14:13.000 But I remember seeing that movie and getting out of there going, God damn it, I want to make something like that.

02:14:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:14:19.000 Something that when I leave, I go, fuck. 1.00

02:14:20.000 Fuck, that was good. 1.00

02:14:22.000 Goddamn, they nailed it. 1.00

02:14:24.000 Yeah. 0.85

02:14:24.000 You know, like, when something comes together like that, I think it gives you just a little bit of juice. 0.85

02:14:30.000 Music definitely does that to me.

02:14:31.000 Yes. 0.99

02:14:32.000 Like, I'll play, like, if there's a song that really cracks with me, I'll play that motherfucker on repeat in the background while I write. 0.99

02:14:39.000 I'll just that one song just over and over again. 0.97

02:14:42.000 And the song sort of like fades into the background and just gives you energy.

02:14:47.000 Yeah.

02:14:47.000 You know, once you hear it like two or three times, like the words don't mean anything anymore.

02:14:51.000 And then it just becomes like this fucking... 0.99

02:14:55.000 Power supply. 1.00

02:14:56.000 Have you done the goddamn comedy jam? 1.00

02:14:58.000 No. 1.00

02:14:59.000 No?

02:14:59.000 No interest?

02:15:01.000 Yeah, Bill was trying to get me to sing the other day.

02:15:03.000 He's like, you should do it.

02:15:04.000 Him and Dean Del Rey, what they do is they go to a venue.

02:15:09.000 He played the Forum last week.

02:15:10.000 So they get there at 2 o'clock, set up the drums and the guitar and the amps, and then they play to no audience.

02:15:16.000 They jammed all day.

02:15:18.000 He played from 2 to 6.30.

02:15:21.000 That is so fun!

02:15:23.000 Yeah, they're playing.

02:15:25.000 They're having fun.

02:15:25.000 And then you go on later that night and you're just free.

02:15:30.000 Yeah, I rented a karaoke room for my birthday, and I just sang Taylor Swift songs the whole time and had my friends held captive.

02:15:37.000 They got to sing one or two songs, but we only had it for an hour because I had to go do sets that night.

02:15:42.000 And I just performed Taylor Swift to them because I want to be Taylor Swift.

02:15:46.000 And it was so fun.

02:15:47.000 I was like, I should do this more often by myself, just to sing to a track and pretend I'm a pop star for an hour.

02:15:53.000 Just have fun.

02:15:53.000 That's so cool that they did that.

02:15:57.000 Yeah.

02:15:57.000 I think just having fun is important.

02:15:59.000 Just doing things that are fun, you know?

02:16:01.000 Yeah.

02:16:02.000 I think you could definitely get too distracted when you're not concentrating on what you should be doing, but I also think you could get too focused, where you lose track of what it is.

02:16:12.000 Like, what is this?

02:16:13.000 What do I do for fun anymore?

02:16:14.000 I've had to ask myself that, and I'm currently asking myself that.

02:16:18.000 Do you have a hobby?

02:16:21.000 No, I mean running, but does that count?

02:16:24.000 Something.

02:16:25.000 It's definitely something.

02:16:26.000 I love it every day.

02:16:26.000 It's something.

02:16:27.000 Yeah, then it's a hobby.

02:16:28.000 Sure.

02:16:29.000 Why wouldn't it count?

02:16:31.000 Because it's a thing that people are like, oh, it's a chore.

02:16:36.000 Working out as some people look as a chore.

02:16:38.000 Yeah, it isn't anymore to me.

02:16:41.000 Meditation might be a hobby, but that's more of a practice.

02:16:44.000 It's like brushing my teeth.

02:16:45.000 So I wouldn't say brushing my teeth is a hobby.

02:16:49.000 No.

02:16:50.000 And I need more.

02:16:52.000 But you've always had hobbies.

02:16:55.000 Like martial arts.

02:16:56.000 Did that turn into a hobby for you as soon as you started doing comedy?

02:17:01.000 Or did you have to kind of get back into it?

02:17:03.000 No, it's never stopped.

02:17:05.000 It's almost like a big part of my philosophy, like who I am.

02:17:09.000 It's never stopped.

02:17:11.000 Because, you know, I started working for the UFC in 1997. That's when I started doing post-fight interviews.

02:17:17.000 And I was still very involved in martial arts then.

02:17:19.000 That's when I was just starting to learn jiu-jitsu.

02:17:22.000 So I was involved in a new martial art for me.

02:17:25.000 And then I've never stopped.

02:17:27.000 I've always done something.

02:17:29.000 And I've never stopped paying attention to it or studying it or learning new moves or paying attention to new trends or, you know, watching fights or, you know, especially things that I don't necessarily practice as much.

02:17:42.000 I'm interested in that, like watching different things that people do.

02:17:46.000 What's the last hobby you picked up?

02:17:48.000 Bow hunting.

02:17:51.000 And you're like, you love it.

02:17:53.000 Really?

02:17:53.000 To me, it's going to sound ridiculous, but it's a spiritual way to achieve your food.

02:18:03.000 To get meat. 0.97

02:18:05.000 And spiritual sounds ridiculous to people. 0.98

02:18:07.000 Like, oh, you're shooting an arrow at an animal? 0.93

02:18:09.000 You have to be so finely tuned with your senses and your skills and your abilities. 1.00

02:18:15.000 And there's so much consequence on the line if you fuck up.

02:18:18.000 And then the pressure is so immense that to me it's almost cleansing in its intensity and that I think doing difficult things makes doing other difficult things better. 0.99

02:18:32.000 Not easier, but you get better at it.

02:18:36.000 I think if you put yourself in a situation, this happens to certain comedians, They get really good, they get really famous, and then they only perform for their crowd, and they get soft.

02:18:46.000 I think we've all seen them. 0.99

02:18:48.000 They start to suck. 0.96

02:18:50.000 Their comedy gets soft, and they become almost like someone doing an impression of them. 0.99

02:18:58.000 They lose their edge.

02:18:59.000 And I think one of the ways to keep your edge is to always be scared. 0.91

02:19:02.000 So always do something that scares the shit out of you.

02:19:04.000 Always do something that's nerve-wracking. 0.65

02:19:06.000 Always do something that's difficult whether it's a martial art or it's learning to dance or learning an instrument or there's something that's something hard like for Bill Burr does he flies helicopters he plays the drums.

02:19:18.000 I think things like that there I think those are critical.

02:19:22.000 I think you need different and it almost like should be thought of as like a protocol Like cross-training.

02:19:27.000 That you're not just going to do your discipline, but you're also going to be involved in other disciplines that they add to what you're doing.

02:19:39.000 Yeah, I think that's what you're hitting on exactly why I said yes to Dancing with the Stars, which dancing is the thing that I know that I'm worst at, was because it's like, that's the scariest thing to me.

02:19:49.000 And if I do that, then I can do so many other things that I'm also scared of, that I'm not as scared of as dancing.

02:19:55.000 Like, it's really weird, but like...

02:19:59.000 I talk a lot about sex.

02:20:01.000 I want to do weird sex things in my life that I haven't done. 0.98

02:20:04.000 I want to go to sex clubs. 0.96

02:20:05.000 I want to have threesomes. 0.99

02:20:06.000 I'm pretty vanilla. 0.99

02:20:08.000 You want to go to a sex club? 0.98

02:20:09.000 The problem with a sex club is the other people in the sex club, they're also there. 0.78

02:20:15.000 Yeah, no, that's not the problem for me. 1.00

02:20:17.000 Fucking weirdos jizzing on your feet and shit. 1.00

02:20:19.000 No, they're not. 1.00

02:20:19.000 It's all very consensual and it's all very... 1.00

02:20:22.000 You studied it.

02:20:23.000 I know enough going at...

02:20:25.000 Like, I'm ready for it now because I did Dancing with the Stars.

02:20:27.000 I'm like, oh, I could go have a threesome. 0.56

02:20:29.000 So you're ready to go to have a threesome?

02:20:30.000 A hundred percent.

02:20:31.000 And I was not before because I always wanted to say I've done a threesome.

02:20:34.000 I've always wanted that experience to talk about.

02:20:36.000 It seems like an interesting thing.

02:20:37.000 But do you want to do a threesome with two dudes, or do you want to do a threesome with a girl and a guy? 0.99

02:20:42.000 Both.

02:20:42.000 I mean, I would prefer for my own, like, I would like more dudes than women, because I'm just not, like, dying.

02:20:48.000 What if the dude started making out in front of you?

02:20:50.000 You'd be like, check, please.

02:20:51.000 No, it has to be about me.

02:20:52.000 I have to be, like, they have to be mostly into me.

02:20:56.000 But I can, I don't mind a little bit of gayness going on. 0.99

02:20:59.000 Like, I can, I don't, I think we're all, like, very fluid or whatever, but.

02:21:03.000 Good luck with that thought.

02:21:07.000 I am totally...

02:21:08.000 If a guy is kind of gay but is enough into me, I'm fine with it. 0.98

02:21:12.000 Really? 0.76

02:21:12.000 Yeah. 0.76

02:21:13.000 If you've sexed some dicks in your life, I could date you. 1.00

02:21:16.000 What an open-minded woman. 1.00

02:21:16.000 I don't care. 1.00

02:21:17.000 Aren't I cool? 0.99

02:21:18.000 How many dicks? 1.00

02:21:20.000 Um, like, if you're bisexual, if you're, like, equal dicks to pussies, I don't care. 1.00

02:21:25.000 As long as you're very into my pussy while it's in front of you. 1.00

02:21:28.000 Is that rare, though? 1.00

02:21:29.000 That seems rare.

02:21:29.000 It seems like most girls would be skeeved out.

02:21:31.000 I think that is rare.

02:21:32.000 No, I think it's rare.

02:21:33.000 But I think it shouldn't be.

02:21:35.000 I think that, um...

02:21:36.000 Well, why shouldn't it be?

02:21:38.000 Shouldn't you like whatever you like?

02:21:40.000 Like, if you're just in a totally straight man, there's nothing wrong with that.

02:21:43.000 As long as you're not homophobic or bisexual-phobic to the point where you judge them and you hate them.

02:21:49.000 But you shouldn't have to like them.

02:21:51.000 Well, okay, here's...

02:21:52.000 I don't think that... 1.00

02:21:55.000 I don't think that liking dick makes you like pussy any less. 1.00

02:22:00.000 If you're bisexual, it's not like you have an amount of liking other people's body parts to give out and you're giving half of that to dicks and half of that to pussies. 1.00

02:22:09.000 I think you can like them both equally and be as excited by them in front of you. 1.00

02:22:14.000 I've never met anybody like that.

02:22:16.000 I've met bisexual men who like them equally.

02:22:20.000 I have a joke about bisexual people that I don't really totally believe, but it was just a good joke that I kind of believe. 1.00

02:22:25.000 I believe in gay women, and I believe in bisexual women, but I think there's two types of gay men.

02:22:35.000 I don't necessarily believe in bisexual men.

02:22:37.000 I think there's gay men, and then there's really gullible straight dudes who get talked into blowing crafty gay guys. 0.67

02:22:49.000 I think that those things do exist.

02:22:52.000 That's real.

02:22:52.000 There's definitely some gullible straight dudes, but I do think there are really bisexual men.

02:22:56.000 That's just a joke.

02:22:57.000 Of course that's just a joke, but I think you're right.

02:23:00.000 Those do exist.

02:23:01.000 Very gullible straight men who will live with that secret.

02:23:05.000 They're called John Travolta's massage therapists.

02:23:10.000 Allegedly.

02:23:11.000 Just a joke, John.

02:23:13.000 I'm sure you're a good guy. 0.96

02:23:14.000 No, but I think, yeah, I'm into, I don't, I think that if, I'm not like, I don't look at women and go like, I want to fuck her, but if a girl was like super into me, I could totally date someone and fall in love with someone and like be in a romantic sexual relationship with a girl that would be just as gratifying as with a man. 0.97

02:23:34.000 But she would have to be, she would have to be into me. 0.75

02:23:36.000 Like, I think that's the thing that...

02:23:38.000 I'm into men that aren't necessarily...

02:23:39.000 Would you have to look a certain way, too?

02:23:41.000 Because there's certain lesbians... 1.00

02:23:42.000 She doesn't have, like, a dude energy. 0.98

02:23:44.000 Like a Tom Arnold energy?

02:23:45.000 A Tom Arnold energy!

02:23:49.000 You know, like...

02:23:52.000 One woman is looking for a woman who has a Tom Arnold energy. 0.87

02:23:56.000 They wear down vests when it's just a little too warm out for that vest.

02:23:59.000 Yeah, I kind of like those women. 1.00

02:24:02.000 I just like a woman who just... 1.00

02:24:04.000 Lumberjack-y?

02:24:05.000 I like to be pursued.

02:24:06.000 So any kind of energy you give me where you're like, I want you and I'm coming after you.

02:24:11.000 I'm not going to really take no for an answer.

02:24:13.000 Not in a rapey way.

02:24:15.000 I do like an energy of... 0.65

02:24:18.000 But like a thick woman with a big neck. 1.00

02:24:20.000 I know!

02:24:21.000 No?

02:24:22.000 I like a feminine looking... 0.98

02:24:23.000 I like any type of woman, but I think it's an energy. 1.00

02:24:25.000 A feminine looking woman who acts like a man. 1.00

02:24:26.000 But, yeah, like I've met women who... 1.00

02:24:28.000 Like a Ruby Rose type character.

02:24:30.000 I mean, that's everyone's like, yeah, that would be nice.

02:24:33.000 Is that it?

02:24:33.000 That's what everyone wants?

02:24:34.000 No, I mean, Jennifer Aniston is my favorite.

02:24:37.000 Oh.

02:24:37.000 If she went lesbo.

02:24:39.000 If she's like, I know what's wrong with me.

02:24:41.000 This is why I can't settle down with a dude.

02:24:43.000 Oh, God.

02:24:44.000 I want a woman. 1.00

02:24:45.000 Yes.

02:24:46.000 Like Nikki Glaser. 0.69

02:24:46.000 Oh my god. 0.69

02:24:47.000 Would you be into that?

02:24:48.000 Yes!

02:24:49.000 For real?

02:24:50.000 Yes!

02:24:51.000 Wow.

02:24:51.000 If she was into me, but if she was like, I'm gonna try this out, then no.

02:24:55.000 But if she was like, I want this girl and I'm gonna come after her, oh yeah. 1.00

02:24:59.000 Wow.

02:25:00.000 Have you had a lesbian relationship before?

02:25:02.000 No, not even close.

02:25:03.000 Not even close.

02:25:04.000 I made out with all my girlfriends before I ever kissed a guy because I was so scared of boys that the first time I got drunk I made out with all of my girlfriends because we wanted to kiss boys but we didn't have boys around who liked us.

02:25:17.000 That's hilarious.

02:25:17.000 That's the difference between girls and boys.

02:25:19.000 Guys don't ever do that.

02:25:20.000 Oh, they just don't talk about it, Jeff.

02:25:21.000 Really?

02:25:22.000 Oh, they do that. 0.98

02:25:23.000 Do they?

02:25:23.000 They get drunk and make out with each other?

02:25:25.000 I think so.

02:25:25.000 How many guys?

02:25:26.000 If you had like 10 guys in a room, how many guys do you think have made out with their buddies?

02:25:30.000 I'm not kidding you.

02:25:31.000 I think four out of ten guys have done some gay stuff early on before they had a chance to do it with women.

02:25:37.000 Men who identify as straight.

02:25:39.000 You are dealing with a severely impaired sample size.

02:25:43.000 Like, whatever semi-homo energy you're attracting.

02:25:51.000 These are all Travolta masseuses.

02:25:55.000 Poor John Travolta.

02:25:56.000 It's just a joke, John.

02:25:57.000 It's just a joke, John.

02:25:58.000 The...

02:26:00.000 I don't think that's the number.

02:26:01.000 I mean, I think it's probably like, what's the standard accepted number of homosexuals in a population?

02:26:09.000 Isn't it 1 out of 10?

02:26:11.000 Is that real?

02:26:13.000 I think it's like 10%.

02:26:14.000 There would be so many more.

02:26:15.000 Just stop and think about that, right?

02:26:17.000 There's 20 million people in Los Angeles.

02:26:20.000 You think 1 out of 10?

02:26:22.000 I think there's 200,000.

02:26:24.000 Wait, no, that would be like, wait, 20 million people?

02:26:26.000 So that's 2 million people.

02:26:28.000 Okay. 0.98

02:26:29.000 That is a lot of gay people. 1.00

02:26:30.000 That's a lot of homos. 1.00

02:26:33.000 You can still say homo. 1.00

02:26:35.000 You can definitely still say homo. 1.00

02:26:37.000 Still say homo. 1.00

02:26:37.000 Ah, you fucking homos. 1.00

02:26:38.000 Enjoy it while you can. 1.00

02:26:39.000 But it's dangerous saying fucking homos. 1.00

02:26:41.000 It's like, hey, what do you imply? 1.00

02:26:42.000 Oh, well then there's an aggression to it. 0.99

02:26:44.000 You beautiful homos. 1.00

02:26:45.000 Then you can say, all right, he respects us.

02:26:48.000 What are the numbers?

02:26:48.000 What is this?

02:26:49.000 Numbers of gays broken down by...

02:26:51.000 Yeah, but how many closeted gays?

02:26:52.000 See, the problem is, I know so many closeted gay guys, and there's several stages to that.

02:26:58.000 There's closeted gays that are out to their friends, which I have friends that are closeted gay that are out to their friends, but they're in the business, and so they're closeted. 0.78

02:27:06.000 Right. 0.57

02:27:06.000 But then there's closeted even to their friends. 0.57

02:27:08.000 I have one friend in particular. 1.00

02:27:11.000 You know who you are, motherfucker. 1.00

02:27:12.000 No, sorry. 1.00

02:27:13.000 Or to themselves.

02:27:15.000 Okay, it says 6% of women, or 5% of women... 1.00

02:27:18.000 5.1% of men and 3.9% of men that are identifying.

02:27:25.000 So then let's round up a little bit.

02:27:27.000 Yeah.

02:27:28.000 How much will we round up?

02:27:30.000 I gotta round up at least a percentage.

02:27:33.000 More.

02:27:34.000 So we're dealing with about...

02:27:36.000 5%.

02:27:37.000 I think 5% men.

02:27:38.000 If you're rounding up 5%, then we're looking at 10%, Joe.

02:27:41.000 No, it's 3...

02:27:42.000 Oh, what do you mean?

02:27:43.000 So 5% of women identify and 3.9% of men.

02:27:46.000 So if you're doubling that, which you're saying rounding up 5%, or you're rounding up 5% of the percent.

02:27:54.000 What?

02:27:54.000 We both suck at math.

02:27:55.000 I know. 0.97

02:27:56.000 It's been clearly established.

02:27:58.000 I think if they're saying it's 3%, I think it's probably 5%.

02:28:03.000 Okay.

02:28:04.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.

02:28:05.000 You're rounding up 1%.

02:28:06.000 Yes.

02:28:06.000 Okay, then that's what I'm saying, too.

02:28:08.000 I think it's about...

02:28:08.000 Yeah, and probably maybe even more because it's just such a stigma.

02:28:13.000 Whenever there's a stigma to something, there's always going to be a bunch of people that are just in denial of it and just they're sad that they are and, you know, there's a lot of that.

02:28:23.000 There was a guy that I used to know.

02:28:25.000 And he was a comic.

02:28:26.000 And he used to have the most ruthlessly homophobic material.

02:28:32.000 It was awful.

02:28:33.000 It was awful. 0.98

02:28:35.000 Like, he used to do, like, he used to, God, he used to do these really mean, nasty jokes about gay guys. 0.96

02:28:40.000 And then I moved out here to L.A. And then somebody said, hey, did you hear that guy's gay? 0.93

02:28:46.000 I went, what?

02:28:47.000 He goes, yeah, he finally came out. 0.99

02:28:48.000 I'm like, get the fuck out of here! 0.99

02:28:50.000 And then I go back home, went back to Boston, and then all of a sudden he's like a big old queen. 0.99

02:28:55.000 It's like he just... 1.00

02:28:58.000 He was just keeping it in, the poor bastard. 1.00

02:29:01.000 I think that it happens all the time. 1.00

02:29:05.000 When guys have acts where I watch on stage and they hate women so much. 1.00

02:29:11.000 Not so much hating gay people, but hating women in a way that they're like... 0.92

02:29:16.000 A lot of guys that... 1.00

02:29:17.000 I used to hate my vagina a lot because I would hear guys talk about... 1.00

02:29:22.000 Beef curtains or fucking Arby's, five for five dollars. 1.00

02:29:26.000 And I have one of those vaginas, right? 1.00

02:29:28.000 So I have more... 1.00

02:29:30.000 It's not like hanging down to my knees, but I don't have a pussy you see in porn. 1.00

02:29:36.000 I don't have a perfect little designer vag. 1.00

02:29:39.000 And I used to be really insecure about it because I used to hear guys say, too many lips down there, it's gross. 0.95

02:29:44.000 And I think that a lot of guys that... 0.99

02:29:47.000 Have that kind of mentality about pussies and say that... 1.00

02:29:51.000 They really just want dick? 1.00

02:29:51.000 They're gay! 1.00

02:29:52.000 And I would be disgusted with pussy, too! 1.00

02:29:54.000 I would have that, like, ugh, looks like a roast piece! 1.00

02:29:56.000 I would act that way, too, if I were a gay man that... 0.98

02:29:59.000 If I had to...

02:30:01.000 Could be.

02:30:01.000 Do something that I didn't really want to be doing by nature.

02:30:04.000 So that's where I think that comes from sometimes.

02:30:09.000 Could be. 0.99

02:30:10.000 So when I see a guy on stage just say, like, really disgusting things about women and just hate women, I'm just like, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. 0.99

02:30:18.000 Could be. 0.98

02:30:20.000 Do you remember, like, I mean, well, I was going to say, bring up that, what is his name, Ted?

02:30:25.000 We talked about him the other day on the podcast.

02:30:27.000 I used to have a whole bit about him from 2009, that special.

02:30:32.000 No, no, he was the famous preacher.

02:30:35.000 Yeah.

02:30:35.000 Ted Haggard.

02:30:36.000 Ted Haggard, who was just fucking rabidly anti-gay. 1.00

02:30:41.000 Turned out he was smoking meth and having gay sex with gay prostitutes. 1.00

02:30:44.000 And then they outed him on CNN. The gay prostitute was like, I sucked your dick and we smoke crack together. 1.00

02:30:52.000 But that's what it is. 1.00

02:30:53.000 It's like these guys, they hate what they are. 0.99

02:30:55.000 And there's so many of these anti-gay politicians that turn out to be gay. 0.99

02:30:59.000 There's so many of them. 0.98

02:31:00.000 It's almost like go the other way because you were just telling us who you are.

02:31:04.000 This has happened too many times.

02:31:06.000 They don't know!

02:31:07.000 I think the thing about people that are living a lie is that they're always living in that lie and they can't see truth because they're spouting...

02:31:15.000 I think if you lie all the time, like you're always not expressing yourself in an honest way, you get super confused and you don't know what it is.

02:31:24.000 It's like...

02:31:25.000 Comics who steal jokes can't write jokes. 0.72

02:31:28.000 You ever notice that?

02:31:29.000 Yes.

02:31:29.000 There's no comics that steal jokes that write amazing jokes.

02:31:32.000 That also write amazing jokes and also steal. 0.53

02:31:33.000 They don't do both.

02:31:34.000 They don't do both.

02:31:35.000 You do one or the other.

02:31:36.000 Right, right.

02:31:37.000 Yeah.

02:31:38.000 Because to be living in that lie, like, oh yeah, I thought of that.

02:31:41.000 That's my joke.

02:31:42.000 You're constantly justifying it and living in your head like that. 1.00

02:31:46.000 Those comics, when they get outed and they're forced to write their own material, they fucking suck. 1.00

02:31:53.000 They suck like a joke, like an open-miker or something, like someone who doesn't know how to do comedy. 1.00

02:31:59.000 And they could have been doing comedy for 10, 15 years, but you'll see their material and compare it to the jokes they stole, and you're like, You're so right. 0.98

02:32:10.000 To live a lie that bad, to steal material, you can't be actually a creative genius person in another way.

02:32:19.000 It's a totally different kind of thinking.

02:32:21.000 You're not a comedian. 1.00

02:32:23.000 You're a thief. 1.00

02:32:24.000 You're a magician. 1.00

02:32:25.000 You're doing something.

02:32:26.000 You're an actor. 1.00

02:32:28.000 You're a liar. 1.00

02:32:29.000 Yeah, you're just a liar. 1.00

02:32:30.000 It's not the same thing. 0.99

02:32:31.000 It's the opposite of a thing.

02:32:32.000 Oh, it's so interesting to take that away from them.

02:32:36.000 We've seen it.

02:32:37.000 We don't have to mention any names.

02:32:38.000 But we've seen it.

02:32:39.000 And when you see it, it's super obvious.

02:32:41.000 And they get terrible as they get older.

02:32:43.000 As they get further along in their career, instead of getting better, they get way worse.

02:32:47.000 It's so weird when you're like...

02:32:48.000 We've all been accused of stealing material because there's one tweet that someone did and it's like, well, that's a similar thought. 1.00

02:32:54.000 And it's like, well, it's a parallel thought, idiot. 0.99

02:32:56.000 There's always parallel thought. 0.98

02:32:57.000 If I was a joke thief, when I've been accused of stealing a lot, it's like, So then all of my stuff is stolen.

02:33:04.000 Because why would I do that?

02:33:06.000 Why would I take that one...

02:33:07.000 Do I really need that that badly that I would steal it and then all this other stuff is original?

02:33:12.000 Then all of my stuff is probably stolen.

02:33:14.000 Right.

02:33:14.000 And that's one of the weird things you do find out.

02:33:16.000 When you find out that someone's a thief...

02:33:18.000 Then someone starts going through their material and comparing it to all these other comedians. 1.00

02:33:23.000 You go, holy shit. 0.99

02:33:24.000 Like, look at all this. 1.00

02:33:26.000 Oh, my God.

02:33:27.000 And then look at that.

02:33:28.000 That's a bit from Mad TV. Oh, that's a Cosby bit.

02:33:31.000 Oh, my God.

02:33:32.000 And then you see, like, most of their thoughts, they've somehow or another pilfered from someone else and just sort of repackaged.

02:33:40.000 And that's a different kind of talent.

02:33:42.000 I'm almost like, okay, I respect that you were able to have that ruse going for that long.

02:33:46.000 That's like a different kind of...

02:33:47.000 Can you imagine that?

02:33:50.000 Oh, just being that much of a...

02:33:52.000 And maybe just waiting for someone to pull out that YouTube clip. 0.98

02:33:57.000 But they must not...

02:33:59.000 I don't think they think about...

02:34:01.000 They can't possibly think about that.

02:34:03.000 I mean, when I used to shoplift, I was worried about getting caught.

02:34:07.000 You were shoplifter?

02:34:07.000 Caught, yeah.

02:34:08.000 How much did you shoplift?

02:34:10.000 Was this while you were anorexic?

02:34:12.000 Big time.

02:34:13.000 Oh, I was addicted to it.

02:34:15.000 Were you shoplifting to keep yourself from thinking about the fact that you were really skinny?

02:34:18.000 I was shoplifting to stop from thinking about how I was hungry or that I hated myself.

02:34:24.000 It was just a high I would get, like getting things.

02:34:27.000 And I would steal things that I didn't want, that I didn't like, that I would never wear, just because I could.

02:34:34.000 And I always knew I would get caught, and I knew that I had to get caught to quit.

02:34:39.000 But I wanted to keep going as long as I could.

02:34:41.000 And then I got caught.

02:34:42.000 And I never shoplifted again after getting caught.

02:34:45.000 But I remember getting caught and being like, I knew I needed to get caught!

02:34:48.000 Thank you!

02:34:49.000 I'll never do it again! 1.00

02:34:50.000 And she was like, I'm fucking tired of this shit! 1.00

02:34:52.000 And screaming at me. 1.00

02:34:53.000 She was a couple years older than me.

02:34:54.000 She was in Urban Outfitters in Lawrence, Kansas.

02:34:56.000 I was on a...

02:34:57.000 I was on a break from work and I just went over to do some light shoplifting.

02:35:01.000 Wow.

02:35:02.000 And I got caught on the way out.

02:35:03.000 What did you steal?

02:35:03.000 The beeper went off.

02:35:04.000 It was so embarrassing because she went through my bag and she goes, really?

02:35:07.000 This shirt?

02:35:07.000 This is disgusting.

02:35:09.000 She was judging and she was cooler than me. 0.99

02:35:11.000 It was so humiliating on every level.

02:35:14.000 On every level.

02:35:15.000 I was wearing my uniform from the restaurant job where I worked next door.

02:35:19.000 And it was the Urban Outfitters that was the only cool place to shop in my college town.

02:35:23.000 And she was like, you're banned for three years.

02:35:24.000 I'm like, that's the rest of college.

02:35:25.000 So I'd have to go in in disguises to actually purchase things.

02:35:28.000 Wow.

02:35:29.000 Because I was banned.

02:35:30.000 But I never shopped this again.

02:35:32.000 What kind of disguises did you wear?

02:35:33.000 I would just wear sunglasses and a scarf.

02:35:36.000 Fat suit?

02:35:40.000 Like Eddie Murphy when he put on the fat suit.

02:35:44.000 Shallow Al. 0.96

02:35:45.000 The nutty professor.

02:35:48.000 But being someone who stole things, I knew that I would get caught.

02:35:53.000 And I wanted to get caught because it's a terrible life.

02:35:55.000 Do you think these people want to get caught?

02:35:58.000 No. 0.94

02:35:58.000 No, I think they just want to kill. 0.94

02:36:00.000 They get addicted to killing, you know?

02:36:02.000 One of the things that happens, like when someone gets caught stealing, we were just talking about this the other day, was that when someone gets caught stealing and then you call them on it, they say, I won't do that again, and then you say, hey, you hear he just did your bit at the laugh factory? 0.99

02:36:16.000 Like, that motherfucker, he said he would stop doing it. 0.98

02:36:18.000 But these people aren't. 1.00

02:36:19.000 They get addicted to killing.

02:36:21.000 Yeah.

02:36:22.000 You get addicted to it.

02:36:22.000 Can you imagine having that taken away from you?

02:36:25.000 That's what I keep thinking about with comedians that have had to not go on stage anymore because something happens.

02:36:31.000 Obviously, the Me Too stuff that's happened.

02:36:35.000 There's a part of me that's like, what if someone said I couldn't go on stage for a year?

02:36:40.000 Like I was banned.

02:36:41.000 Right.

02:36:42.000 Like Michael Richards?

02:36:43.000 Well, yeah.

02:36:45.000 He's basically banned forever.

02:36:47.000 I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't do stand-up at night.

02:36:50.000 I'm not jerking off in front of people, so I'm not at risk of losing that right now, but I don't think he thought he was at risk of losing that.

02:36:58.000 I bet he did think that. 0.54

02:36:59.000 Do you think it was just a matter of time?

02:37:01.000 I mean, I know that maybe towards the end when everything was kind of blowing up around him with other men that he was maybe worried about it, but do you think he went years of like, I hope this doesn't come back?

02:37:11.000 Probably.

02:37:12.000 Yeah?

02:37:13.000 Yeah.

02:37:15.000 Yeah, because it's a, you know, that's a weird one.

02:37:19.000 Because that's one that, like, how do you describe that?

02:37:21.000 I mean, how do you defend that?

02:37:23.000 Like, you really can't.

02:37:27.000 It's just a weird one.

02:37:29.000 It's not the worst one. 1.00

02:37:30.000 Why not just say, I'm into jerking off in front of women. 0.99

02:37:34.000 I don't know why it's my thing. 0.99

02:37:35.000 I'm sorry.

02:37:36.000 He should have just listened to Jim Norton.

02:37:37.000 Jim Norton should have acted as his attorney.

02:37:39.000 He should have done a press conference and Jim Norton should have been his attorney. 0.97

02:37:42.000 They would have fucking cleared that thing up in a heartbeat. 1.00

02:37:44.000 Yeah, Jim Norton would have said, I jerk off in front of women as well, but a lot of times they have dicks. 1.00

02:37:50.000 And that's what I'm into. 1.00

02:37:52.000 Okay.

02:37:55.000 I mean, yeah, Norton is so free because he talks about how he's into trannies and that's his thing. 1.00

02:38:03.000 You're not allowed to say tranny anymore, by the way.

02:38:05.000 Oh, that's right.

02:38:07.000 But he can still say it because he's into them.

02:38:09.000 He says it and no one even calls him out on it.

02:38:11.000 They just let it slide.

02:38:13.000 He really does like transgender women.

02:38:14.000 Because he does so much for the community.

02:38:16.000 I know.

02:38:17.000 He really does.

02:38:18.000 He's into it. 1.00

02:38:18.000 I think he's talked about liking having people shit on him. 1.00

02:38:21.000 Yep. 1.00

02:38:22.000 Like he puts down a tarp before women come over sometimes. 1.00

02:38:25.000 Yeah, he likes having women piss in his mouth. 1.00

02:38:26.000 I remember reading his books early on in college and being like, I can't believe this man talking so openly about this. 0.99

02:38:32.000 But thank God for him.

02:38:33.000 He's not worried about anything coming back to haunt.

02:38:36.000 No, he's so brave because of the fact that he's so ruthlessly honest like that and loved for it.

02:38:42.000 Monster Rain, him talking about blowing another kid underneath a porch as a kid.

02:38:47.000 People now talk openly about being molested or having weird sexual experiences with And it's more of like an okay thing. 0.99

02:38:55.000 When Jim Norton was doing it back in 2002, no one talked about that shit and joked about it and was beloved by ONA fans for it. 0.98

02:39:06.000 He was someone that early on I was like, I... This is different to me and I love it. 0.98

02:39:12.000 And I want to be on the other side of this where I can talk about all this stuff too and not...

02:39:17.000 Oh, that's interesting.

02:39:18.000 Because there's so much freedom in being able to be like, yeah, I blew a kid under a porch when I was a kid.

02:39:22.000 Yeah.

02:39:22.000 There's nothing wrong with...

02:39:23.000 I was a kid.

02:39:24.000 There's freedom in being yourself.

02:39:25.000 Being yourself.

02:39:26.000 Being honest.

02:39:27.000 Yeah.

02:39:27.000 And you find that when you are yourself, as long as you're not hurting anybody, when you are yourself, you find people actually love you for it.

02:39:35.000 Yes.

02:39:35.000 Yeah, and they love the fact that you can be so brave that you can talk about all the different things that you love that other people might be scared of admitting.

02:39:43.000 Yes.

02:39:44.000 Like that, like his love of transgender women.

02:39:48.000 Think of that like if that came out about someone who was trying to hide that.

02:39:52.000 It would be devastating to them.

02:39:54.000 But to him, it's just like he'll just talk about it openly and laugh about it.

02:40:00.000 And it's not a point of contention at all.

02:40:03.000 It's not something he's ashamed of.

02:40:06.000 It's just who he is.

02:40:08.000 I know.

02:40:08.000 I've...

02:40:09.000 Him and there's several other people, though, but just to...

02:40:13.000 I remember Sarah Silverman, hearing her talk about being a bedwetter, and that was like my biggest shame for so long.

02:40:19.000 And then I was just like, oh, okay, well, then it's okay.

02:40:23.000 Right.

02:40:23.000 It took us one cool woman to say she did something embarrassing, and I was like...

02:40:28.000 Okay, it's acceptable.

02:40:28.000 Now I can talk about it.

02:40:30.000 And so that's why I talk about, like, I like anal sex. 0.99

02:40:33.000 I don't think that it's a cool thing. 0.99

02:40:34.000 I'm not saying that, like, I... I'm not trying to put that out there as, like, aren't I naughty and don't you want to fuck me? 0.99

02:40:41.000 Like, that's not my intention with it, even though people will put that on me sometimes. 0.99

02:40:44.000 But it's because...

02:40:46.000 You should try it.

02:40:47.000 It feels good.

02:40:49.000 And I want to, like, put it out there to women. 0.97

02:40:51.000 Like, it's...

02:40:52.000 It actually, like, I wanted just more people to experience it and not be scared of it.

02:40:57.000 And it is gross and it is scary and it is weird.

02:41:00.000 But, like, I talk openly about it because I hope that if you are a girl that's into it, you're not ashamed of being into it.

02:41:08.000 Or if you're a guy that's into it, you're not ashamed of being into it. 0.86

02:41:10.000 You should have this speech to two gay guys you're going to have a threesome with. 0.99

02:41:13.000 Honestly, I will. 0.99

02:41:15.000 Listen... 1.00

02:41:16.000 Do you think you would be excited about a dude butt-fucking a dude who's fucking you? 1.00

02:41:20.000 Like, have you got some sort of human centipede thing going? 1.00

02:41:23.000 Um, no, because I don't think he could focus on me if he was being penetrated himself.

02:41:27.000 And it would be more about taking it from me.

02:41:29.000 Like, Nikki, you're the best, I think.

02:41:31.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:41:32.000 That's the face I don't want to see.

02:41:33.000 This experience is so amazing.

02:41:35.000 I think it's because of you. 1.00

02:41:36.000 It might be the dick in my ass. 1.00

02:41:37.000 I'm not sure. 1.00

02:41:39.000 No, I couldn't stand that.

02:41:40.000 I would need more focus on me.

02:41:41.000 Yeah, if he wasn't concentrating on you.

02:41:42.000 If he's like, you, you, him.

02:41:44.000 Yeah.

02:41:44.000 You, you, him.

02:41:47.000 You, you, him.

02:41:48.000 Two thrusts, one back.

02:41:52.000 They'd have to both be concentrating on you.

02:41:54.000 Yeah, both focused on me.

02:41:56.000 I need to be the focal point if I'm going to be in one of these things, which I think you can arrange that.

02:42:04.000 Good luck arranging what people are going to focus on.

02:42:07.000 Oh, that's a good point.

02:42:08.000 But that's the thing that I was fearing of doing a threesome is like, what if I get in it and like...

02:42:14.000 What if I have to go down on a girl and I'm doing it and I'm like...

02:42:17.000 It smells like fish. 1.00

02:42:18.000 Yeah, like it's bad pussy or something. 1.00

02:42:20.000 Bad pussy? 1.00

02:42:21.000 What's bad pussy? 1.00

02:42:22.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:42:24.000 What if I just don't like pussy? 0.99

02:42:27.000 But when I did Dancing with the Stars, I really came out of it being like, I'm ready to eat some pussy now because I faced my fear of dancing in front of millions of people, which is like the scariest thing I've ever done on live TV. Anything could go wrong. 1.00

02:42:40.000 And now I'm like, why am I so scared of a threesome?

02:42:43.000 Because I think my thing about a threesome is I'm going to get into it and I'm going to be like, I don't want to be here and that I'll still have to go through with it.

02:42:50.000 No, I won't.

02:42:51.000 I'll just go, um...

02:42:53.000 You know what?

02:42:54.000 I changed my mind.

02:42:55.000 Which I do all the time now with hookups.

02:42:57.000 I think that as a woman, we are so conditioned to think that men have to come at the end of it. 0.98

02:43:03.000 There's the thing called blue balls and that if you've made out with a guy and gotten alone with a guy and you've decided to hook up with a guy and you're like, I'm getting naked with a guy, you have to go through the whole thing until he orgasms. 0.99

02:43:14.000 That is what we are sold. 0.99

02:43:18.000 Because men put that pressure on you.

02:43:19.000 It's not men, it's women, it's magazines, it's TV. Magazines tell you you have to make them come?

02:43:24.000 Well, like 5,000 ways to blow his mind and do this with a feather. 1.00

02:43:29.000 You know, that kind of shit. 1.00

02:43:30.000 How do they keep coming up with those lists? 1.00

02:43:32.000 I mean, how many goddamn Cosmo episodes, how many issues have been made? 0.92

02:43:39.000 I mean it's the same thing with workouts. 0.98

02:43:41.000 The last ab workout you'll ever need.

02:43:43.000 Well then you better not tell me another one because you just said this is the last one I'll need.

02:43:47.000 Even though you'll say that next year too.

02:43:49.000 So there's endless things but I but my new thing is now like when I used to be so scared of hooking up with guys because I was like if I agree to kiss a guy alone in a room then I'm probably agreeing to have sex with him and then I don't even want to put myself in that scenario so I just didn't even kiss boys.

02:44:04.000 See, that's something that a man doesn't have to fear, right?

02:44:06.000 If a man is alone with a woman and he's making out with her in a room, he doesn't think like, oh my god, I have to satisfy her or she's going to be mad at me.

02:44:13.000 Yeah, and it's not even about like, it is exactly what you're saying because I want to backtrack and say it's not about like he's going to force me to have sex with him.

02:44:21.000 He's going to be upset.

02:44:22.000 He's going to be mad or disappointed in me.

02:44:24.000 He's just going to be mad.

02:44:26.000 And I don't want a guy to be mad at me.

02:44:29.000 Or you don't want an unpleasant experience for the other person.

02:44:33.000 Exactly.

02:44:34.000 You just want to be nice.

02:44:37.000 Right.

02:44:37.000 And accommodating.

02:44:38.000 And that's what I always felt like if I make out with a guy.

02:44:44.000 I have so many times in my life been making out with a guy and said in my head, like, what's the least I can do to make this guy come?

02:44:51.000 The least.

02:44:52.000 What can I do that is going to make me feel the least bad about myself?

02:45:00.000 How can this guy get off and I can leave feeling good about myself and like I didn't do something I didn't want to do?

02:45:07.000 Which a lot of times you do something you don't want to do.

02:45:09.000 Right.

02:45:10.000 It has happened to me.

02:45:11.000 Do I call rape on it? 0.97

02:45:12.000 Do I look back on that guy and go, he raped me? 0.99

02:45:14.000 No. 0.98

02:45:15.000 Because he thought I was into it.

02:45:17.000 Do you think the solution to that is wait way longer before you get intimate with someone?

02:45:21.000 Like get to know them really well?

02:45:23.000 No, I think the solution is educating women and telling them that it's okay if a guy doesn't come. 0.99

02:45:27.000 And it is okay the second you're like, I'm not really feeling this.

02:45:30.000 Well, that's the case for sure.

02:45:31.000 But I mean, personally for you, to not be in that situation, like know a guy really well before you're intimate with him.

02:45:38.000 Because isn't that part of the problem is a lot of times people get intimate with someone, especially if alcohol is involved.

02:45:44.000 You get intimate with someone before you know them.

02:45:46.000 And then you may be in this situation and you're like, this is not what I wanted and now I feel gross and I want to get out of here.

02:45:53.000 I think, yeah, that's part of it.

02:45:55.000 And to not...

02:45:57.000 I think it really is, though, as a woman, just being able to make the situation uncomfortable by being like, I'm done here.

02:46:04.000 I'm so sorry.

02:46:05.000 I'm not going to come.

02:46:06.000 So neither are you.

02:46:08.000 And maybe we'll do this again sometime.

02:46:11.000 I've done that recently.

02:46:12.000 You sound like the lady who's in charge of the audition.

02:46:14.000 Thank you, Nikki.

02:46:16.000 I really have reached that point with myself, though.

02:46:19.000 We'll be in touch.

02:46:21.000 I did that to someone recently.

02:46:22.000 I was literally hooking up with them and I was like, I think this is it.

02:46:29.000 This is going to be it.

02:46:31.000 But here's my thing.

02:46:33.000 I hate being this woman, but if I'm going to get anything across to your listeners, because I sound like a hack 80s female comic right now, but more foreplay.

02:46:46.000 I never thought I'd be a woman that says that.

02:46:47.000 Just like...

02:46:49.000 We need... 1.00

02:46:50.000 I could always be convinced to have sex with you. 0.99

02:46:53.000 If I'm willing to make out with you, then I am somewhere in the realm of things. 0.99

02:46:57.000 And I'm not giving this to every woman, but for me, I am willing to take a good dicking from you. 0.87

02:47:02.000 You have that opportunity. 0.95

02:47:04.000 If I'm making out with you...

02:47:05.000 The door is open.

02:47:05.000 Yes.

02:47:06.000 Convince me!

02:47:07.000 Turn me on! 1.00

02:47:10.000 Don't just try to stick your dick in me right after making out! 1.00

02:47:12.000 That's not gonna be the way to fuck me! 1.00

02:47:14.000 Some guys, I think, panic and go- So many guys do that! 0.99

02:47:17.000 I gotta get in there right now, quick!

02:47:18.000 I know!

02:47:18.000 Before she says no!

02:47:19.000 Why?

02:47:20.000 I don't know.

02:47:21.000 They're panicers.

02:47:22.000 But before she says no, no, you have all this time to get me to say yes!

02:47:26.000 Some people are panicers.

02:47:28.000 Just, we need to bring back dry humping.

02:47:30.000 Dry humping.

02:47:30.000 It is so hot.

02:47:32.000 High school stuff.

02:47:32.000 Get to the point where I'm so revved up that I'm like, I need it!

02:47:37.000 Like, girls are... 1.00

02:47:38.000 I want...

02:47:39.000 Because you know what it feels like to get fingered when you're not turned on? 1.00

02:47:43.000 It feels like the way it feels when a girl grabs your dick and you're not hard. 1.00

02:47:48.000 You know that feeling where you're like, oh, no, no, no, too early. 1.00

02:47:50.000 Don't do it yet.

02:47:51.000 Like, let me just get...

02:47:52.000 That's the way it feels when a guy goes to finger you and you're not wet.

02:47:55.000 You're like, I could get there, but now I'm not going to because now I'm insecure that I'm not wet and now I just want to cut this thing.

02:48:01.000 So don't touch us there until we take your hand and do it.

02:48:08.000 And if you get us there, which you will by doing all the other stuff... 0.99

02:48:12.000 Dry humping, over the pants stuff, feeling our tits, kissing, kissing. 1.00

02:48:20.000 Get us revved up and we will ask you to, we will beg you to fuck us. 1.00

02:48:24.000 You should give a seminar. 1.00

02:48:25.000 I should!

02:48:26.000 This is like, I feel like you're on stage in front of a large audience telling people how to do this.

02:48:31.000 I really...

02:48:32.000 I could... 0.90

02:48:32.000 I want to give, like, sex TED Talks because I think that I could get men and women to have more sex and enjoy it more because I've just given this stuff so much thought, but I really hate being the girl to say more... 0.90

02:48:43.000 Do you talk about it on stage? 0.57

02:48:44.000 Yeah, I do.

02:48:45.000 I talk about this a lot.

02:48:46.000 I'm just starting to get into this area.

02:48:49.000 This is...

02:48:49.000 It seems like it's ripe for material.

02:48:52.000 Oh, Man, it's just true. 0.99

02:48:55.000 And I'm also telling guys in the audience who I might fuck. 0.99

02:48:58.000 Like, I'm hoping that there's a guy in the back of the room that I'm, like, into. 0.97

02:49:02.000 You know, I've done that before, where there's, like, a guy I'm crushing on, and I know he's in the room, and I'm like, here's the handbook!

02:49:08.000 Just, like, do some over-the-pants fingering.

02:49:12.000 Over-the-pants fingering.

02:49:13.000 Jeans.

02:49:14.000 Tight jeans.

02:49:15.000 Over-the-pants.

02:49:16.000 Use the seam on where you're, that little notch. 0.88

02:49:21.000 That's a clit thing. 1.00

02:49:23.000 Alright. 0.97

02:49:24.000 I'm sorry, Joe.

02:49:25.000 Thanks, Nikki.

02:49:26.000 Thanks for being here.

02:49:27.000 I really appreciate it.

02:49:27.000 We just did three hours.

02:49:30.000 Sorry to end it like that.

02:49:31.000 Oh, no.

02:49:32.000 No, it's fine.

02:49:34.000 Is that the end?

02:49:34.000 It's fine to end it that way.

02:49:35.000 We can keep going if you like, just to, like, settle it down.

02:49:39.000 No, we don't need to.

02:49:40.000 I can get off on a high point.

02:49:43.000 That was good.

02:49:44.000 It's good to get off there.

02:49:46.000 I don't need any foreplay on the back end.

02:49:48.000 Okay.

02:49:49.000 So I don't need to rev down.

02:49:50.000 Okay.

02:49:51.000 Nikki Glaser, everybody.

02:49:53.000 Oh, tell everybody where they can find you on Instagram. 0.99

02:49:55.000 Where can they send these dick pics that are coming your way? 1.00

02:49:57.000 Oh, God, please don't send any dick pics. 1.00

02:49:59.000 I don't want any dick pics. 1.00

02:50:02.000 I'm on Instagram, Nikki Glaser, Twitter, Nikki Glaser. 0.99

02:50:05.000 I have a SiriusXM show every single morning, Monday through Thursday.

02:50:08.000 Where do you do that from?

02:50:09.000 From New York, in the Sirius building.

02:50:12.000 I live in New York City, generally.

02:50:13.000 Oh, do you?

02:50:13.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:50:14.000 I see you.

02:50:14.000 I'm here all the time.

02:50:16.000 But yeah, it's every morning from 10 to 12 Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, Sirius XM, Channel 95. So you have to get up and be there every morning at 10 a.m.?

02:50:25.000 Yeah.

02:50:26.000 I know.

02:50:26.000 That's like a job.

02:50:27.000 It is a job.

02:50:28.000 You like it?

02:50:28.000 I love it.

02:50:29.000 Cool.

02:50:30.000 It's really fun.

02:50:31.000 Yeah, I love it.

02:50:32.000 This was fun.

02:50:32.000 Really?

02:50:33.000 Yeah, I enjoyed it.

02:50:33.000 Thank you for having me.

02:50:34.000 I asked you to be on it.

02:50:36.000 I just confronted you backstage and I was scared.

02:50:38.000 But you're awesome and I really appreciate you having me.

02:50:41.000 Thank you.

02:50:42.000 You're awesome too.

02:50:42.000 It was a really fun talk.

02:50:43.000 It was fun talking to you.

02:50:44.000 Nikki Glaser, everybody!

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 03, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1179 - Nikki Glaser

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript