The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #121 - Bryan Callen

00:00:00.000 Here we go.

00:00:01.000 Recording.

00:00:02.000 Here we go.

00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you. 0.99

00:00:05.000 What's going on with this fucking... 0.99

00:00:07.000 To you? 1.00

00:00:08.000 What's going on?

00:00:10.000 We were both doing it.

00:00:11.000 No, I was silent.

00:00:11.000 No, we were both...

00:00:12.000 I was silent, but you were on, then I took myself on.

00:00:15.000 Where was I? The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:21.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save 15% off a slimy pink jerk-off device.

00:00:30.000 And it's a good one.

00:00:32.000 It's a fabulous product.

00:00:34.000 I haven't used mine yet.

00:00:36.000 Use it?

00:00:37.000 You haven't used it yet? 0.96

00:00:38.000 That's ridiculous.

00:00:39.000 Let's make the music so it's official. 0.90

00:00:41.000 Hit it! 1.00

00:00:43.000 Doesn't feel like a podcast. 0.99

00:00:44.000 Oh, the black guy. 1.00

00:00:46.000 I want to be riding a horse when I hear that music. 0.98

00:00:56.000 Yeah.

00:00:57.000 The wind in my hair.

00:00:58.000 Yeah, that's how it starts, baby.

00:01:00.000 Smile on my face.

00:01:01.000 Wild times.

00:01:02.000 I could live in the wild times.

00:01:03.000 Let's get on our horses and just ride.

00:01:05.000 That's what I want to say once.

00:01:06.000 Be out there on that prairie and I can survive not talking to anybody. 0.95

00:01:09.000 Damn right. 1.00

00:01:09.000 All I need is a match, a bowie knife, and my dick. 1.00

00:01:12.000 It's always that character, that Charles Bronson dude who wants to live in the woods by himself and doesn't bother anybody, but the government has to go out there and fuck with them and he winds up killing everybody. 1.00

00:01:20.000 What is it that we admire about that guy who doesn't need anybody? 0.99

00:01:23.000 That's the American way.

00:01:24.000 Self-sufficiency, man.

00:01:25.000 I don't need anybody but myself.

00:01:26.000 I'm self-reliant.

00:01:28.000 Yeah, but with a lot of guys, the loner would be kind of creepy, but Charles Bronson had a way of pulling it off that was admirable.

00:01:35.000 There was nothing Ted Kaczynski about him.

00:01:37.000 No, Charles Bronson was a badass, and God help you if you were a fan and tried to come up to him.

00:01:41.000 This guy I know, Adam West, you know Batman?

00:01:44.000 Yeah.

00:01:45.000 He told me a story 16 years ago about how Charles Bronson was reading a book in a bookstore, and this guy comes up and goes, Excuse me, Mr. Bronson, I'm a huge fan. 1.00

00:01:53.000 And Charles Bronson goes, Fuck off. 0.98

00:01:58.000 It's hard to know how much of that is the truth. 1.00

00:02:02.000 Goddammit, people are so full of shit. 1.00

00:02:04.000 He was notorious for being just not friendly. 1.00

00:02:07.000 He was a tough guy, actually.

00:02:09.000 You know, when he did Hard Times, if you've never seen Hard Times, Youngsters, please. 0.96

00:02:15.000 It's one of the goddamn all-time classics. 0.92

00:02:17.000 It's a beautiful movie. 0.96

00:02:19.000 And it's really like the first underground cage-fighting movie.

00:02:24.000 They actually fought in a cage.

00:02:26.000 Bronson was in his 50s when he shot that.

00:02:29.000 Was he in his 50s? 0.99

00:02:30.000 Because you see his body, it's ridiculous. 0.81

00:02:31.000 He had a lot of Native American in him, and I think he used to be like an acrobat or something. 0.92

00:02:37.000 Something along those lines, yeah.

00:02:37.000 He was in a circus, I think.

00:02:40.000 Even with Wikipedia, we're just bullshitting through this.

00:02:44.000 He was in the circus.

00:02:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:02:45.000 He was in the circus.

00:02:46.000 He did capoeira in Brazil.

00:02:49.000 In Brazil, he did capoeira.

00:02:50.000 That's always my favorite stuff when people go, no, this guy I know, this guy, there wasn't UFC, dude.

00:02:55.000 He fought in the underground in Burma.

00:02:58.000 He has 17 confirmed kills under his belt. 0.99

00:03:02.000 There was a lot of guys who just made up a bunch of shit like that in the 70s. 0.99

00:03:05.000 Greatest. 0.99

00:03:06.000 Remember the guy who did the movie Kickbox?

00:03:09.000 No, not Kickbox.

00:03:10.000 No, no, Bloodsport.

00:03:11.000 Bloodsport, yeah.

00:03:12.000 Frank Dux.

00:03:13.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:03:13.000 Yeah, he's a ninjutsu guy who went out there to the Kumite and just fucked everybody up. 0.99

00:03:17.000 Damn right. 0.99

00:03:18.000 Supposedly, he had a story. 0.96

00:03:19.000 Remember Dim Muck, which was Death Touch?

00:03:21.000 There was a guy named Raphael Torrey, and I've talked about this guy before, because this guy snuck through my crazy radar, and I realized that there was something wrong, and then it turned out he was a killer.

00:03:32.000 I didn't know.

00:03:33.000 I was around this guy.

00:03:34.000 He was a friend of a friend.

00:03:36.000 He was a friend of Eddie's.

00:03:37.000 And I was around this guy a couple times, and normally my crazy radars are really good, but this guy snuck right through it. 0.99

00:03:43.000 And he was such a pathological liar. 0.97

00:03:45.000 This is one of the things that he did. 1.00

00:03:46.000 He was a fake black belt.

00:03:47.000 One of the things he did was he had a friend drive him to this spot, and he said, I'm going into the woods.

00:03:54.000 You can't come any further.

00:03:55.000 I'm going to go to this kumite, and I'll be back in two days.

00:04:00.000 So his friend drives him into the woods, and then he sees him walk around and hide behind a tree. 0.98

00:04:06.000 And it's like, what the fuck is he doing, right? 0.56

00:04:08.000 So he kind of hangs back to watch, and the dude starts walking back down the road where he came from. 0.98

00:04:14.000 So the guy drives off, right? 0.91

00:04:15.000 He goes like, I don't know what the fuck his deal was, but he wanted to be dropped off in the woods. 0.93

00:04:19.000 The guy comes back two days later with a trophy. 0.99

00:04:23.000 He comes out of the woods, and he has a story about, well, I had to fight 50 men, all bare knuckle.

00:04:30.000 Some guys chose to have glass on their hands, some guys not.

00:04:33.000 Just had just crazy, nutty, fake cage fighting stories. 0.99

00:04:35.000 Meanwhile, it was probably just a guy fuckfest. 1.00

00:04:39.000 I gotta put this handkerchief in my pants. 0.99

00:04:42.000 Don't worry about it.

00:04:42.000 It's just a signal.

00:04:43.000 It was nothing.

00:04:44.000 Nothing happened.

00:04:45.000 He made up the whole thing.

00:04:46.000 There was no kumite out there.

00:04:48.000 He just came alive and dies.

00:04:51.000 Yeah, same thing. 1.00

00:04:53.000 I had the guy in a headlock, then I fucked him. 1.00

00:04:54.000 Well, he wound up killing a guy by choking him to death. 1.00

00:04:57.000 Oh, really? 0.97

00:04:58.000 Yeah, that's the story, is that this guy was just this crazy pathological liar, and he wound up hooking up with this girl, and the girl was married, and he choked the husband to death. 0.96

00:05:06.000 Oh. 0.93

00:05:07.000 Nice guy.

00:05:07.000 So, in real life, when you choke somebody to death, instead of just choking them jujitsu style, you have to continue to choke them when they're already passed out.

00:05:15.000 You have to hold it for a while.

00:05:16.000 Yeah, you just hold it.

00:05:17.000 Because in the movies, it's like, and then they pass out, and they're like, ah, he's dead.

00:05:20.000 But in real life, you have to do it for a while.

00:05:23.000 Some people would die from it.

00:05:24.000 In Glorious Bastards, when he chokes with his hands, that's really hard to do.

00:05:28.000 Really hard to do.

00:05:29.000 You know?

00:05:29.000 Even put a guy out by choking him.

00:05:32.000 It hurts, but it's all a matter of how much you can tolerate.

00:05:35.000 It cuts your breathing off because it crushes your windpipe if the guy's got good thumbs.

00:05:40.000 But it probably won't put you unconscious.

00:05:42.000 It's hard.

00:05:43.000 It's hard.

00:05:43.000 You can't do it.

00:05:45.000 It's not something I practice.

00:05:46.000 But some guys will tap to that.

00:05:47.000 Like kickboxers, when they first start fighting in MMA, they tap to like forearms across the neck.

00:05:52.000 Like a guy will just stack them and get a forearm on their neck and they just can't deal with it.

00:05:55.000 Well, they don't know how to react to it probably.

00:05:57.000 Yeah, I've seen it a few times.

00:05:59.000 Like high-level kickboxers like Tom Erickson.

00:06:01.000 I think Tom Erickson did actually tap a guy with a rape choke. 0.51

00:06:04.000 He actually grabbed his neck like this. 0.81

00:06:05.000 Wow. 0.72

00:06:06.000 What we would call a rape choke. 1.00

00:06:07.000 Wow. 0.52

00:06:07.000 Yeah, and he tapped the guy. 0.52

00:06:08.000 Some dudes have inhumanly strong hands though.

00:06:11.000 Tom Erickson was 300 pounds.

00:06:12.000 Yeah.

00:06:13.000 All-American wrestler, gorilla.

00:06:15.000 You're going to tap.

00:06:16.000 There was one point in time when Tom Erickson was the scariest guy on the planet.

00:06:19.000 And he kind of missed both boats as far as like fame.

00:06:22.000 And a lot of people don't know about Erickson because of that. 0.83

00:06:24.000 But if you go back to when Erickson fought Kevin Randall and smashed him and knocked him unconscious, he was fucking really close to 300 pounds, corn-fed, just one of those big, crazy white boys, and a powerful wrestler, just a real good wrestler. 0.96

00:06:39.000 I'd love to have rape choke strength with other guys. 1.00

00:06:41.000 Just grab a guy and go, you're going out. 0.81

00:06:43.000 But Erickson, he was getting famous right at the time where the UFC was falling apart.

00:06:48.000 And so he went to fight over in Japan.

00:06:53.000 The peak of his athletic talent and the peak of his possibilities, they didn't collide together correctly.

00:07:01.000 One of the things I was thinking about is just for MMA, if you're tennis players, MMA seems to stay on top.

00:07:08.000 say, Anderson Silva or GSP has, is so extraordinarily difficult because there are so many good guys now coming up.

00:07:14.000 And more importantly, it looks to me like a lot of these guys are really learning how to box because they're coming out of boxing gyms.

00:07:20.000 When you learn how to box and you can punch now, instead of punching like a wrestler, they're punching like boxers.

00:07:25.000 When you don't have gloves, you make one mistake.

00:07:27.000 You're going to sleep.

00:07:28.000 There's this guy, Fabio Maldonado, that's been fighting out of Brazil, and he just fought recently. 0.99

00:07:34.000 And this fucking kid is, he's got nasty hands, dude. 0.97

00:07:38.000 And he fought Kyle Kingsbury, who's like a serious athlete, 205. And Kyle Kingsbury was grabbing in the Muay Thai clinch, and he was just ripping hooks to his body. 1.00

00:07:47.000 And Kingsbury had to let it go, which is rare.

00:07:49.000 Most of the times when a guy gets you in the Muay Thai clinch and you punch his body, the guys can take it.

00:07:53.000 But he turns his punches over so good and he's so loose with them that just, bam, bam!

00:07:57.000 Like, there were just vicious body punches.

00:07:59.000 You see the difference between a guy who could really punch.

00:08:02.000 Like, if you got a guy like Manny Pacquiao and you gave him those little gloves...

00:08:07.000 Forget it.

00:08:07.000 Let me tell you something, man.

00:08:08.000 If you don't take Manny Pacquiao down the first 5-10 seconds of that fight, you're getting fucked up, man. 0.99

00:08:12.000 Did you see what happened to the back of Ricky Hatton's head when he hit him with that hook? 0.99

00:08:16.000 I thought he was dead.

00:08:18.000 Dude.

00:08:18.000 I was like, I've never been like, oh my god, he got shut off.

00:08:21.000 The thing about Pacquiao is he's a little guy. 0.98

00:08:24.000 He's only 147, 150 pounds, but he hits fucking hard for a little guy, dude. 0.97

00:08:31.000 I've watched him physically hit the pads. 0.98

00:08:33.000 Freddie Roach was holding pads for him.

00:08:34.000 I watched it.

00:08:35.000 And dude, first of all, the punches come so fast and all of them are hard.

00:08:40.000 So maybe there's a guy who could punch We're good to go.

00:09:01.000 Well, he got hurt by Mosley before that.

00:09:03.000 Mosley beat him up. 0.99

00:09:03.000 But he was psychologically fucked because they caught him with plaster in his gloves. 0.99

00:09:08.000 Yeah, that's right. 0.99

00:09:08.000 I remember that. 0.99

00:09:08.000 And they made him fight anyway. 0.99

00:09:09.000 That's crazy shit. 1.00

00:09:11.000 He knew he was going to be suspended. 1.00

00:09:12.000 He was going to be vilified. 0.97

00:09:15.000 He's such an assassin.

00:09:16.000 And to see Manny Pacquiao take a bigger man like that and do whatever he wants. 0.99

00:09:20.000 Oh, he's a monster.

00:09:21.000 Pacquiao's one of the, if not the greatest of all time, top two.

00:09:25.000 I mean, I would think he's number one.

00:09:28.000 And people will argue with it, but goddammit, he's won world titles in eight different weight classes. 0.99

00:09:33.000 Who the fuck has ever done that? 0.97

00:09:34.000 I would love to have seen him fight Duran. 0.99

00:09:37.000 Yeah, oh my god.

00:09:39.000 Oh my god.

00:09:40.000 Duran at 147, the Duran that beat Sugar Ray in the first fight.

00:09:43.000 And that really wasn't his best weight class.

00:09:45.000 Duran's best weight class was 135. 135 is one of the greatest lightweights of all time.

00:09:50.000 If you watch his fight with Ken Buchanan when he won the title, he was fucking violent. 0.98

00:09:53.000 Vicious Panama street kid. 1.00

00:09:55.000 Unbelievable. 0.99

00:09:55.000 Just an animal, man. 0.99

00:09:56.000 He was a born fighter.

00:09:57.000 You see these documentaries on that guy.

00:09:59.000 It's like a pit bull.

00:10:00.000 It's like a game-bred dog.

00:10:01.000 They went to interview him.

00:10:03.000 They went to interview him in Panama when he was a kid, when he was a contender, when he was coming up.

00:10:07.000 And they're following him in the streets, asking him about boxing, where'd you learn how to box?

00:10:11.000 And in front of these reporters, he grabs a cat by the tail and throws it into a brick wall.

00:10:16.000 Oh my God.

00:10:17.000 Yeah, in front of him.

00:10:18.000 You know, I remember when they There was an old interview, and you could probably YouTube it, where he's being asked by Brent Musburger or someone about his fight with Hector Macho Camacho.

00:10:28.000 He had some fight.

00:10:29.000 It was later on in his career.

00:10:30.000 and and you'd hear him say some stuff in like Spanish and and well I then interpreter would say because because Brent Mars but do you feel like you're fighting in an outside It's going to be hot?

00:10:43.000 Is the heat going to affect you?

00:10:45.000 Or do you think you're used to that against someone like Macho who moves around so much in a ring? 0.92

00:10:50.000 He's referring to Mr. Camacho as a homosexual person.

00:10:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:11:00.000 So Mossberger will be like, well, yeah.

00:11:02.000 But do you think that you're fighting now with 10-ounce gloves as opposed to 12-ounce gloves now, and you are a harder hitter, and a lot of people say, do you think that's going to favor you in the fight?

00:11:09.000 Are you going to go to the body, you think, more than the chin?

00:11:15.000 He's still referring to Mr. Macho as a homosexual. 0.55

00:11:20.000 And then finally, I think it was the third time, whoever it was, he's still calling him a homosexual.

00:11:26.000 Well, anyway, that's Roberto Duran.

00:11:27.000 I guess we're not going to get anything out of him.

00:11:29.000 He was impossible, man.

00:11:31.000 He was just like a guy, a true fighter.

00:11:33.000 Also, he grew up in Panama, man.

00:11:35.000 I think if you grow up in a tough country, you grow up in a spot like that, you grow up poor.

00:11:40.000 Noriega, they say Noriega, and he were friends.

00:11:42.000 Noriega liked him a lot.

00:11:43.000 I bet everybody would like him.

00:11:45.000 He's Roberto Duran.

00:11:46.000 You can't not love a true fighter.

00:11:48.000 A true fighter representing your country.

00:11:50.000 They had other guys.

00:11:51.000 Eusebio Pedroza, wasn't he from Panama as well?

00:11:53.000 I thought he was from Cuba.

00:11:54.000 Was he?

00:11:55.000 I don't know.

00:11:56.000 I don't remember.

00:11:56.000 I thought he was from Panama.

00:11:58.000 But Duran was one of my favorite fighters of all time.

00:12:01.000 And the guy couldn't even speak English.

00:12:02.000 It didn't matter. 0.98

00:12:03.000 He was just such a savage.

00:12:04.000 It's going to be interesting to see guys like Nick Diaz who are coming out of Andre Ward's camp and these guys who are really studying boxing.

00:12:10.000 And even though you have to know everything in MMA, which is what I love about it, you are going to get some guys who are going to become incredible boxers.

00:12:20.000 And I think that it's going to be an issue about you're going to have fights that last.

00:12:25.000 You can't have very good punchers.

00:12:28.000 You can't slip when you don't have gloves.

00:12:30.000 When guys can punch that hard, I think something's going to have to give there.

00:12:34.000 You can't make as many mistakes.

00:12:36.000 Yeah, I mean, Cain Velasquez is great, right?

00:12:38.000 We know how great he is.

00:12:39.000 Now, he has to fight Junior Santos, and Santos can hit, so somebody's going to catch somebody in that fight.

00:12:45.000 And it doesn't necessarily mean it's the better fighter.

00:12:47.000 It might mean that you just got caught.

00:12:48.000 Or your game plan was a little too hasty.

00:12:50.000 Yeah, you've got to be very careful.

00:12:52.000 You saw the Czech-Congo-Pat Barry fight.

00:12:54.000 Yes, I did.

00:12:54.000 Which is the craziest ending in any fight ever.

00:12:57.000 I mean, that's a perfect example of why you have to be so careful in MMA. It's unbelievable.

00:13:01.000 And Pat Barry is expensive.

00:13:02.000 Explosive!

00:13:03.000 Oh my god!

00:13:04.000 And he went after him, man.

00:13:05.000 He decided that he was getting criticized for his fights and he was kind of boring and people were saying he doesn't take enough chances. 0.98

00:13:11.000 Well, he showed why he doesn't take enough chances because, look, when you take chances, you can get knocked the fuck out. 0.86

00:13:16.000 And it was a fight he was winning easily. 0.63

00:13:18.000 If he just fought at a disciplined pace, that probably would have never happened.

00:13:22.000 Right, and that's experience.

00:13:22.000 Yeah.

00:13:23.000 Yes.

00:13:24.000 Experience, but it's also he chose to fight in an exciting style on purpose. 0.88

00:13:28.000 He wanted to throw caution to the wind and just go, you know, kill or die. 0.99

00:13:32.000 Kill or be killed. 0.99

00:13:33.000 And I think he did that. 1.00

00:13:35.000 He did exactly what he wanted to do.

00:13:37.000 But some guys never do that.

00:13:39.000 And by the way, Shea Congo taking those shots.

00:13:41.000 God!

00:13:43.000 I've never seen a body like that. 0.99

00:13:44.000 It's the most ridiculous thing. 0.98

00:13:45.000 He's a superhero. 0.99

00:13:47.000 He's a superhero.

00:13:49.000 He's an extreme mesomorph.

00:13:51.000 That's what that guy is.

00:13:53.000 He's just super muscular, perfect athletic frame.

00:13:57.000 He's not the best heavyweight athlete though, which is weird.

00:14:00.000 I mean, Cain Velasquez is a way better heavyweight athlete, which is weird because if you saw the two of them together... 0.61

00:14:05.000 I mean, the average person looks at Chek Kongo and Cain Velasquez, and you go, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:14:09.000 That black guy's going to kill him. 1.00

00:14:10.000 Yeah, but you know, that's like wrestling. 0.99

00:14:12.000 Like, you know, you roll in jiu-jitsu, and some guy comes in, and he's got this beautiful body, and somehow you can move and manipulate him.

00:14:19.000 Then a guy shows up, and he looks like a plumber with a bit of a belly, and he's just, like, immovable.

00:14:23.000 I think it's how your body's balanced.

00:14:25.000 But Kongo is always dangerous to anybody because he's got some pop in those hands, dude.

00:14:30.000 He's the only guy to really hurt Velasquez, too.

00:14:31.000 And he's also very hard to hurt, right? 0.99

00:14:32.000 He's tough as shit. 0.99

00:14:33.000 He went three full rounds with Kane, and Kane beat the fuck out of him in that fight. 0.99

00:14:37.000 He's obviously durable, because Kongo caught him with some big punches.

00:14:41.000 Mir put him to sleep, but Mir got him in a guillotine.

00:14:43.000 Mir's guillotine's nasty, and he did it so perfect. 1.00

00:14:46.000 If you watch the way he locked it up, he cinches it up, he blocks off the neck with his left arm and squeezing with his right.

00:14:53.000 Mir is one of those guys, man, if he catches you, especially in the early part of the fight where he's not even a little bit tired, And you give up an arm or a choke or something like that, he's going to break your neck, man.

00:15:05.000 He's going to squeeze you off.

00:15:06.000 I can't wait to see my boy, Mayhem Miller, who's become a good friend.

00:15:10.000 I just love that guy.

00:15:10.000 I want to see him fight Michael Bisping.

00:15:12.000 It's going to be great.

00:15:13.000 I love Mayhem.

00:15:13.000 I just love watching him.

00:15:14.000 I love his whole attitude.

00:15:15.000 He never stops moving.

00:15:17.000 He will never stop moving.

00:15:19.000 I wish people could see what he did, but I was in Vegas and we were laughing and talking and he kept moving around and we were joking around.

00:15:24.000 And then finally he got so excited, he walked out in the hallway and he went, nobody was watching.

00:15:28.000 He just kind of punched the air and ran down the hallway for no reason.

00:15:32.000 I was like, he just spazzed out the hallway!

00:15:34.000 He got so excited, and then he came back in.

00:15:36.000 He beats up air.

00:15:38.000 He knows he's got some extra energy.

00:15:39.000 He's got to get rid of it.

00:15:40.000 Smart guy, by the way.

00:15:41.000 Yeah, he's supposed to be doing what he's doing.

00:15:43.000 You know what's crazy is you can look at him and see, like, that guy, like, I'm not going to fight that guy.

00:15:47.000 That guy's scary.

00:15:48.000 But, like, last night, Jake was in the audience at one of your shows.

00:15:52.000 What's his name?

00:15:53.000 Jake, right?

00:15:54.000 Jake Ellenberger.

00:15:54.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:15:55.000 And he sat in my seat, and I'm like, who's this guy sitting in my seat?

00:15:58.000 And I'm walking up, and I look at his ears.

00:16:00.000 I'm like, I'm out of here.

00:16:03.000 Jake was there.

00:16:06.000 He came to my show in Vegas with Mayhem.

00:16:09.000 Jake Ellenberger's got a fire hydrant on his shoulders.

00:16:12.000 It's like, dang!

00:16:13.000 He looks like somebody took clay, and they were a bad sculptor.

00:16:18.000 They chipped out his head.

00:16:19.000 Nah, this is good enough. 0.87

00:16:21.000 That dude's a tank.

00:16:21.000 Yeah.

00:16:22.000 And he's scary as fuck. 0.99

00:16:23.000 He's going to fight Jake Shields. 0.99

00:16:24.000 That's going to be a very interesting fight.

00:16:26.000 He's a very good striker.

00:16:27.000 Yes.

00:16:28.000 I think he's a better striker than Jake.

00:16:30.000 Oh, yeah.

00:16:30.000 Oh, he's a lot better striker than Shields.

00:16:32.000 But Shields has got some wicked takedowns and his top jiu-jitsu. 1.00

00:16:36.000 Like, if he gets on top of you, oof, you're fucked. 0.98

00:16:38.000 Jake Shields is one of the best in the world at finishing guys in MMA and jiu-jitsu. 0.99

00:16:43.000 Yeah.

00:16:43.000 His jiu-jitsu is real simple.

00:16:46.000 He's always used no gi.

00:16:48.000 He's not a gi guy, so he doesn't have any gi habits at all. 0.99

00:16:51.000 If he gets on top of you, he's a wrestler, so he's got awesome positioning and control, and he's strong as fuck. 0.98

00:16:57.000 He'll squeeze off arm triangles on you all day. 0.99

00:17:00.000 If he catches you... 1.00

00:17:02.000 If Jake Shields gets on top of you and he gets you in a bad position, you're fucked, man. 1.00

00:17:05.000 Because it's like a level... 0.99

00:17:06.000 It's a really high, high level of jiu-jitsu that that guy brings.

00:17:09.000 If he gets you in a checkmate position, the odds are that you're going to squirm out of it.

00:17:13.000 Like, look, he got Paul Daly in Elite XC. In Elite XC, they were fucking him by... 0.98

00:17:18.000 The fight goes to the ground for more than 15 seconds. 0.99

00:17:20.000 They stand you up.

00:17:21.000 Like, literally, they told the referees to stand fights up, even if they're active. 0.92

00:17:25.000 Like, Roy Nelson got stood up when he was in fucking side control working on a Kimura and Andre Arlovsky. 0.97

00:17:31.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

00:17:31.000 And they stood him up. 0.99

00:17:32.000 It was completely ridiculous.

00:17:33.000 Well, Jake Shields' jiu-jitsu is so tight, he caught Paul Daly with an arm bar even under those rules. 0.66

00:17:38.000 He doesn't need much time, dude.

00:17:40.000 He gets a guy like Daly on the ground. 1.00

00:17:41.000 He's like, give me that, bitch! 1.00

00:17:43.000 Crazy. 1.00

00:17:44.000 It's just that high-level stuff. 0.87

00:17:46.000 It's nuts.

00:17:46.000 But he's got to get it to the ground.

00:17:48.000 That's where Ellenberger throws bombs.

00:17:49.000 And if you can defend the takedown, Yeah.

00:17:53.000 That's a huge part of it.

00:17:54.000 And Ellenberger moves good on his feet, too.

00:17:56.000 That's the other thing.

00:17:56.000 He's not a dude who just stands there like a robot, like some guys who just kind of wade in.

00:18:00.000 He moves.

00:18:01.000 He moves on his feet, he moves on his toes.

00:18:03.000 That's a tough fight.

00:18:04.000 That's an excellent fight.

00:18:05.000 What's your call in the Bisping-Miller fight? 0.98

00:18:07.000 I can't wait to see the series because the series is going to be hilarious because Mayhem is never going to stop fucking with him. 0.99

00:18:13.000 And I've already heard some shit that's gone down. 0.98

00:18:15.000 I can't divulge any information and give you any previews, but there's already been some crazy shit going down and Mayhem is having a blast. 0.98

00:18:23.000 He's a true entertainer. 0.62

00:18:24.000 He loves it too.

00:18:25.000 I'm around comics all the time.

00:18:26.000 That dude's hilarious.

00:18:28.000 He's a true personality.

00:18:30.000 He's got bigger than life personality.

00:18:32.000 He's so entertaining.

00:18:33.000 I love hanging out with the guy because it's just always fun.

00:18:36.000 If you want to get some insight into him, read his articles.

00:18:39.000 He's smart.

00:18:40.000 Yeah.

00:18:40.000 He's a good writer, man.

00:18:42.000 He's a good writer.

00:18:42.000 I have no doubt.

00:18:43.000 He's a really smart guy.

00:18:45.000 You look at him, he's got dyed hair.

00:18:49.000 Smart.

00:18:50.000 Very smart.

00:18:50.000 He's got a great take on things and a very thought out take on things.

00:18:55.000 And if you read his blogs, he's very proud of them.

00:18:58.000 He's a very good writer. 0.98

00:18:59.000 And he could fucking easily write a book. 0.98

00:19:01.000 And it would be a great book. 0.95

00:19:02.000 Because there's a guy who's lived some crazy Well, my buddy Anthony Tambacis, who's a novelist, actually was talking to him about his novel.

00:19:09.000 He said, you should write a book, and I think he's going to call it Total Mayhem or something.

00:19:12.000 Yeah.

00:19:12.000 It's great.

00:19:13.000 Yeah, why not?

00:19:14.000 Just tell his story, man. 1.00

00:19:15.000 His fucking stories of getting in fights with his dad and just growing up, getting in fights on his block. 0.99

00:19:20.000 Well, I said, the first time I met him, we were in Vegas, and I walked up and I said, dude, you know, I've got to just be honest. 0.99

00:19:24.000 In a t-shirt, you don't look that tough.

00:19:27.000 I mean, besides the nose and the ears, but you look at his back, and he's a big guy, but it's kind of lanky.

00:19:32.000 I mean, if he said, I'm a tennis pro, I'd be like, that makes sense.

00:19:35.000 You're a tennis pro.

00:19:35.000 He doesn't look like an MMA fighter.

00:19:37.000 He's not like Jake.

00:19:38.000 You look at his ears and his neck, you're like, wow.

00:19:40.000 But Mayhem, from behind, looks somewhat slender. 0.98

00:19:43.000 This is a gay conversation. 0.90

00:19:44.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.98

00:19:45.000 This is how stoned I am. 0.94

00:19:46.000 I've been listening to you guys as if you guys were all gay guys talking about other guys. 0.97

00:19:51.000 You're talking so much louder than everybody else.

00:19:52.000 But in the steam of the shower, what I'm trying to say is that he tends to...

00:19:57.000 Just the way the water rivlets off his body...

00:20:00.000 My man's holding me down. 1.00

00:20:01.000 I can't believe you're butt-fucking me. 1.00

00:20:02.000 This is so weird. 0.99

00:20:03.000 I can't believe you've got that kind of top game. 0.98

00:20:05.000 Just don't smile at me, because then it makes it really gay. 1.00

00:20:07.000 For the last five minutes, I've been thinking about that. 0.81

00:20:09.000 And you're like, you know, like you said, beautiful body.

00:20:11.000 You said you should see his, if he gets a hold of you on top, you know, you're, like, you just replay the whole thing, what you're saying, and act like you were talking about other guys, like gossiping.

00:20:22.000 It's one of the funniest things.

00:20:23.000 And by the way, you're probably right.

00:20:25.000 The psychiatrists have a field day.

00:20:27.000 First of all, you know what?

00:20:28.000 Also, I just would have a field day talking about jiu-jitsu.

00:20:30.000 It seems so good.

00:20:32.000 Two guys in their 40s.

00:20:34.000 Yeah, two guys in their 40s passionately talking about fighting.

00:20:37.000 One guy has a very, very manly beard.

00:20:39.000 The other one just shaved his off, and he's got a backwards baseball hat, and he's pushing 50. Cut to us in hour one.

00:20:44.000 No shirts, no shirts.

00:20:46.000 I'm hot.

00:20:47.000 I'm not going to wear these pants.

00:20:48.000 I got this new lotion I'm using on my chest.

00:20:50.000 I don't know if it's the right choice.

00:20:51.000 Let me see.

00:20:52.000 How does it feel like flowers, bro?

00:20:54.000 Man, you feel as slippery as a slime.

00:20:55.000 I finally found the secret of listening to MMA talk.

00:20:58.000 Now I would not have eyes glazed over anymore. 1.00

00:21:01.000 I'll be giggling like a motherfucker. 1.00

00:21:03.000 You just pretend it's talking about gay sex? 1.00

00:21:04.000 Cuts me wearing a bandana for no reason. 0.99

00:21:06.000 A lot of people still don't know that Brian was the one...

00:21:09.000 I had a thing called Getting Pumped that Howard Stern used to play a bunch of times.

00:21:13.000 It was on my first CD, I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday.

00:21:16.000 And it's me and this other dude working out in a basement.

00:21:19.000 It's me and Brian. 0.99

00:21:22.000 Fuck, that was fun. 0.99

00:21:23.000 And Kelly Kirsten. 1.00

00:21:24.000 Kelly Kirsten played my mom.

00:21:25.000 I remember when we laid that down.

00:21:27.000 Yeah, that was fun, dude.

00:21:28.000 That was very fun.

00:21:29.000 Anyway, if you ever meet Mayhem, ask him to tell you the story about when he was in Florida and he ended up ninja-ing like six guys because he was dancing with a girl and the guy's like, are you trying to disrespect me?

00:21:40.000 He was like, no, I'm not disrespecting.

00:21:42.000 The guy's like, and he throws a punch and Mayhem basically goes, hey, get!

00:21:45.000 With an elbow, get! 1.00

00:21:46.000 And knocks him out.

00:21:47.000 He goes, I gotta get out of here.

00:21:48.000 He goes out there and like six guys come out.

00:21:49.000 He's like, uh-oh, here it goes.

00:21:51.000 They had no idea what they were getting into.

00:21:53.000 It's like...

00:21:54.000 It's like a bunch of, you know, coyotes coming in on a pit bull or something.

00:21:58.000 And they're like, ah, let's get him.

00:21:59.000 He's like, knock you out.

00:22:00.000 There was a pile of bodies around him.

00:22:03.000 Wow.

00:22:04.000 Yeah, I mean, you want to fight him?

00:22:05.000 You've thrown a couple punches in your life?

00:22:07.000 You took some karate in high school?

00:22:08.000 Go have fun.

00:22:09.000 Have fun with Mayhem Miller.

00:22:10.000 Well, what people don't understand the difference between a professional fighter and a regular human being is this is something they're doing every day, all day, for hours.

00:22:18.000 And mayhem doesn't take time off.

00:22:20.000 He doesn't get fat.

00:22:21.000 If mayhem doesn't have a fight going on, he's still training.

00:22:23.000 He's still doing jujitsu.

00:22:24.000 He's still doing his boxing.

00:22:25.000 He's still doing everything.

00:22:27.000 It's literally like trying to have an argument with a guy and all you have is a book on the language and he's fluent in it.

00:22:33.000 It's going to tie you in knots.

00:22:35.000 That's exactly what it is.

00:22:36.000 It's what it's like.

00:22:37.000 Fighting is like a language. 1.00

00:22:38.000 And everybody's like, I got a fucking haymaker, bro. 0.99

00:22:40.000 Let me tell you something about this hay. 0.99

00:22:42.000 He sees it coming before you do it.

00:22:43.000 A mile away, he's going to kick your knees out from you. 0.97

00:22:46.000 And giggle while he's doing it.

00:22:47.000 Yeah, and laugh. 0.99

00:22:47.000 And then you're going to realize he doesn't get tired because he's fucking doing it for six hours a day. 0.99

00:22:51.000 I remember getting drunk with Eve Edwards and Nate Marquardt. 0.98

00:22:55.000 We were shooting this movie in Pittsburgh, and Eve started just practicing.

00:23:00.000 This is Warrior, right?

00:23:01.000 This comes out in September?

00:23:02.000 In September, yeah.

00:23:03.000 And it's been testing through the roof.

00:23:05.000 This is where you play me.

00:23:06.000 I play you.

00:23:07.000 I remember I called you and I said, I'm playing you in a movie.

00:23:09.000 I called you.

00:23:10.000 I go, I'm playing you in a movie.

00:23:11.000 Can you give me some advice?

00:23:12.000 He goes, I just try to take myself completely out of the equation.

00:23:14.000 And that really helped.

00:23:15.000 I just would call the fights.

00:23:16.000 But they wrote some funny stuff for me.

00:23:17.000 I'm a smart ass, you know, in the movie.

00:23:19.000 Nice. 0.95

00:23:20.000 It was a good time.

00:23:21.000 But I remember rolling around.

00:23:22.000 What is your name in the movie?

00:23:23.000 Brian Callen.

00:23:25.000 Is it really?

00:23:25.000 Yes.

00:23:26.000 That's beautiful.

00:23:27.000 I don't know why more actors just don't do that.

00:23:30.000 No, because the way I got the part is I put the writer and the director together.

00:23:35.000 Imagine that.

00:23:36.000 Tom Hanks stars as Tom Hanks.

00:23:39.000 They should do that.

00:23:40.000 Danny DeVito as Danny DeVito.

00:23:44.000 A short twin of Arnold Schwarzenegger, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

00:23:49.000 Do you think Schwarzenegger is ever going to bounce back?

00:23:52.000 Do you think anybody will ever take the guy seriously again?

00:23:56.000 I don't think so, mainly because it depends on how he reacts to it.

00:24:02.000 But if you're older now, first of all, nobody wants to see him as an action hero.

00:24:05.000 Number two, you know, look, I understand infidelity.

00:24:08.000 I can understand as a man, you may stray.

00:24:11.000 Let's all be respectful.

00:24:13.000 Let's all be forgiving, etc.

00:24:15.000 Okay?

00:24:15.000 Not that I've ever had thoughts like that, but the point is that if you're going to funk the housekeeper, first of all, that's outrageous, but I'll give it to you.

00:24:23.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:24:23.000 Maybe she had big tits. 1.00

00:24:24.000 She was ovulating. 1.00

00:24:25.000 She smelled like something.

00:24:26.000 You were bored.

00:24:26.000 I get it.

00:24:27.000 You're the king of the world.

00:24:28.000 How about We're not pulling out or wearing a condom.

00:24:30.000 I don't know.

00:24:30.000 How about not giving her a baby?

00:24:32.000 I think the whole thing is the wild thing. 1.00

00:24:36.000 The whole thing of doing it is you're not even supposed to be doing this and she's sucking your raw cock and you just look at that fucking housekeeper pussy. 1.00

00:24:43.000 This is my house. 1.00

00:24:44.000 I fuck everybody in my house. 1.00

00:24:47.000 And you just think about it. 1.00

00:24:49.000 Should I pull out?

00:24:50.000 Conan doesn't pull out.

00:24:52.000 Just shoot a load into it like Conan should.

00:24:54.000 Yeah.

00:24:55.000 When you're the king of the world, why not?

00:24:58.000 He's the king of his world, man.

00:24:59.000 The guy's living in this $20 million mansion.

00:25:02.000 Apparently, right after this happened, they put the house up for sale.

00:25:07.000 And he didn't own it.

00:25:08.000 He sold it to someone else.

00:25:10.000 But this is the house where all the affairs took place.

00:25:12.000 And he sold it to some professional golfer or something like that.

00:25:15.000 And that guy put it up right away.

00:25:16.000 Wow.

00:25:16.000 And he might have put it up right away because people started hassling him because people wanted to go see.

00:25:21.000 Or the overwhelming stench, the dried spooge everywhere. 0.98

00:25:24.000 Hey, wait, this house smells like cum! 0.99

00:25:27.000 And infidelity. 0.99

00:25:28.000 This is weird.

00:25:30.000 You hear it echoing in the walls like a mass murder in a haunted building. 0.99

00:25:35.000 That building's haunted with him cumming. 1.00

00:25:38.000 Cumming all the time. 1.00

00:25:39.000 Cumming. 0.99

00:25:40.000 Cumming. 1.00

00:25:41.000 I'm cumming. 1.00

00:25:42.000 And he fucked her for ten years, man. 1.00

00:25:44.000 He did? 1.00

00:25:44.000 He was fucking her for ten years. 1.00

00:25:45.000 You were so excited! 1.00

00:25:47.000 I thought it was a one-off!

00:25:48.000 Oh, no, no, no.

00:25:50.000 Oh, my God!

00:25:51.000 No, no, he was banging her in the bed. 0.98

00:25:53.000 That's outrageous!

00:25:54.000 He was banging her in the bathroom. 0.93

00:25:56.000 He was banging her everywhere. 0.99

00:25:56.000 Unless you think of it as a tool for masturbation type thing. 0.99

00:25:59.000 Like, she was just like a fleshlight. 1.00

00:26:01.000 Okay, you obviously have a problem with women. 1.00

00:26:03.000 Yeah, what are you talking about, dude?

00:26:04.000 That's a human being.

00:26:05.000 Yeah, but it's also his maid. 0.62

00:26:07.000 I saw her.

00:26:08.000 She actually has a face that looks a little bit like Mayhem Miller's. 1.00

00:26:12.000 And I'm not attracted to that, but I guess he is.

00:26:16.000 She was a big... 1.00

00:26:17.000 Who knows what she looked like when she was younger.

00:26:18.000 I think he could make a comeback if he does a movie like Copland.

00:26:21.000 I don't know if you remember that movie.

00:26:22.000 You know what she looks like?

00:26:22.000 I don't mean to make fun of...

00:26:23.000 She looks like the Mexican female version of KRS-One. 0.99

00:26:27.000 Listen, she has a daughter, that's all.

00:26:28.000 She's a pretty lady, that's what I'm saying. 0.99

00:26:30.000 I'm a big KRS-One fan.

00:26:32.000 As am I, as am I. Boop, boop!

00:26:33.000 That's the sound of the police!

00:26:35.000 Look, good for her, man.

00:26:36.000 She was doing what she was.

00:26:37.000 No woman can say no to Arnold Schwarzenegger. 0.99

00:26:39.000 I've dated girls and my cock is out. 0.99

00:26:43.000 Do you ever see Copland, though? 0.99

00:26:44.000 That was kind of a weird movie for Sylvester Stallone, where it was kind of like he played a little chubby.

00:26:49.000 I think if Arnold does a movie like that, where he plays a character that's kind of down on his luck, coming back, kind of like a dirty cop or something like that, I think he could do it.

00:26:58.000 There's a stench of I want to see a good actor do that.

00:27:01.000 I don't know how good an actor he is.

00:27:02.000 I don't go to the movies to see Arnold Schwarzenegger do dramatic acting.

00:27:05.000 But you also thought that of Sylvester Stallone when he got caught on it.

00:27:08.000 No, no, no, no, because Sylvester Stallone did Rocky. 0.99

00:27:10.000 Okay, you got to remember, he did some shitty ass movies, but Sylvester Stallone did fucking Rocky. 0.99

00:27:17.000 And acted in it. 0.99

00:27:18.000 It was one of the best movies ever.

00:27:19.000 And hung in there because they wanted to give that movie to someone else.

00:27:23.000 They wanted to give that movie to some other stars.

00:27:25.000 And he said, no, this is my movie.

00:27:27.000 And when he wrote this and did this, in the end of the movie, he doesn't even win.

00:27:31.000 That's what a lot of people don't even realize.

00:27:32.000 He loses in that movie.

00:27:33.000 It was inspired by a losing performance by Chuck Wepner when Chuck Wepner fought Muhammad Ali. 1.00

00:27:38.000 So he wrote all this shit out, did it himself, and acted as fucking actors. 0.99

00:27:43.000 He became a goof kind of later, and I love him. 0.99

00:27:45.000 I mean, when I say a goof, I'm saying a guy who does these big, crazy, cartoonish movies. 0.71

00:27:50.000 Don't forget how great those movies were.

00:27:52.000 When you were a young man and I saw First Blood, it was one of the best movies I'd ever seen.

00:27:55.000 I loved it.

00:27:56.000 It was great for who you were at the time.

00:27:59.000 Came out, you know, being 14 or whatever. 0.99

00:28:01.000 But Rocky's still a badass fucking movie. 0.97

00:28:05.000 Yeah, but I mean, if you take away the fighting, I haven't seen Rocky maybe 10 years. 0.98

00:28:08.000 Oh, the fighting is not good.

00:28:09.000 No, I know, but is the acting actually good?

00:28:12.000 It's unbelievable.

00:28:12.000 I actually just watched it three days ago.

00:28:15.000 And I'll tell you something right now.

00:28:18.000 That movie holds the test of time.

00:28:20.000 It is still one of the great movies.

00:28:23.000 And one of the most moving movies.

00:28:24.000 When he's down, he's going, stay down, Rocky.

00:28:27.000 Remember Burgess Meredith, when he comes, that actor who comes, and he says, I want to be a manager.

00:28:31.000 I'm 76 years old.

00:28:32.000 I want to be a manager. 0.90

00:28:34.000 It stinks!

00:28:34.000 It's my place!

00:28:35.000 And he does that whole thing, and then he comes running out.

00:28:38.000 It was such a beautiful...

00:28:40.000 It was brilliant.

00:28:40.000 It was one of the greatest character pieces ever written, in my opinion.

00:28:44.000 Yeah, when he's angry and he's like, this is all he's got in his house and Bert's around there and he's yelling and screaming, that was so fucking real!

00:28:53.000 And then he was so moving when he looks at Adrian and he goes, remember when I said that stuff they said about me on TV didn't hurt?

00:28:59.000 And he walks away.

00:29:01.000 Your heart breaks for him, man. 1.00

00:29:02.000 Yeah, it's like when he gets his shit together and got up and starts drinking raw eggs, you're fucking, you start moving in your seat and you get goosebumps. 0.99

00:29:09.000 A lot of people credit that movie for ushering in the fitness craze in America that happened shortly after that. 0.99

00:29:17.000 Dude, I was, whatever I was when it came out, 11 or something like that, I drank raw eggs and ran around my block.

00:29:23.000 I almost threw up.

00:29:24.000 I remember doing that too, but I just don't remember the acting of him. 1.00

00:29:27.000 Dude, he was a bad motherfucker. 0.99

00:29:29.000 And it's a weird thing. 1.00

00:29:30.000 It's like, how does a guy, I guess he just gives up on good movies and says, let's just make something crazy and explode and have a good time.

00:29:36.000 Let's have a good time, everybody.

00:29:37.000 Yeah, that might be it.

00:29:38.000 But I also think what happens is, like with Arnold or anybody, when you surround yourself, and it's almost impossible to avoid, when you surround yourself with an army of people that make their living off you, What happens, I think, is that, like anything, a politician who's been in power too long, you lose self-awareness because everybody's telling you you're perfect, you're great.

00:30:00.000 They laugh at your jokes and everything.

00:30:01.000 You're the emperor.

00:30:02.000 And I think that the biggest trapping of that kind of fame is that you start to drink the Kool-Aid.

00:30:08.000 Right.

00:30:09.000 And you lose perspective.

00:30:10.000 You lose self-awareness.

00:30:11.000 You keep playing the same note over and over again because people keep telling you it's great.

00:30:17.000 And instead of like actually putting yourself back in the real arena, which is competing with what's really going on and having people really give you real critiques.

00:30:26.000 You know, I was in an acting class and Burt Reynolds showed up and he did some scenes in class.

00:30:31.000 That's badass.

00:30:31.000 And I thought to myself, Burt Reynolds at 70, whatever, is still not only doing scenes in class, but kind of failing in front of people and having a teacher critique his performance.

00:30:40.000 And was he getting a lot of white pussy because of this? 1.00

00:30:43.000 Young white actress pussy? 1.00

00:30:44.000 I didn't see that, but that's probably why anybody would be in an acting class, by the way. 1.00

00:30:48.000 Was he Burt Reynolds from Boogie Nights?

00:30:50.000 He was so good and so hilarious.

00:30:52.000 You know, he did a scene from Carnal Knowledge with...

00:30:57.000 Well, he's another guy, right?

00:31:00.000 Go back to Deliverance. 1.00

00:31:01.000 Burt Reynolds was a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:31:03.000 Yes, he was. 1.00

00:31:03.000 He was a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:31:05.000 And then he got vain. 1.00

00:31:06.000 And then he got weird.

00:31:07.000 You start wearing a wig and you get plastic surgery.

00:31:09.000 I don't think so.

00:31:11.000 There's something about him in those Smokey and the Bandit movies where you really wanted him to succeed.

00:31:16.000 He was a great movie star.

00:31:18.000 Yeah.

00:31:18.000 Dude, he was a good-looking guy who was always happy.

00:31:22.000 He always had a smile on his face. 0.98

00:31:23.000 He had a silly mustache. 0.97

00:31:25.000 And he was always getting the girl, and you wanted him to. 1.00

00:31:27.000 He was a fucking man. 1.00

00:31:28.000 You wanted him to get away from the law. 1.00

00:31:29.000 He was a man's man. 0.52

00:31:29.000 Yeah. 0.52

00:31:30.000 And by the way, he made a fucking mustache work. 1.00

00:31:33.000 He fucking rocked that mustache, son. 1.00

00:31:36.000 I grew a mustache. 1.00

00:31:37.000 I did this thing for a Californication.

00:31:39.000 I had a mustache.

00:31:40.000 I look like I should work in a deli.

00:31:41.000 Yeah.

00:31:42.000 That's as sexy as I get.

00:31:43.000 Like, I should be making sandwiches. 0.99

00:31:44.000 He looks like a fucking, you know, a leading man. 1.00

00:31:46.000 I look like an ape. 1.00

00:31:48.000 Very hard to pull off a mustache. 0.92

00:31:49.000 I go human, this is why I got human here, and then I go to ape, and then I shave it down to human. 0.99

00:31:54.000 I went with a mustache once just to goof, and Mrs. Rogan was like, what the fuck is that on your face? 0.99

00:31:59.000 Terrible, right? 1.00

00:31:59.000 You look like a caterpillar. 1.00

00:32:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:00.000 Like a big, fat, thick bug. 0.99

00:32:03.000 I look like an aggressive gay man who makes sandwiches. 1.00

00:32:06.000 Ah! 1.00

00:32:07.000 I fuck guys and I make sandwiches in my deli. 1.00

00:32:10.000 You know who works on Brian Jarvis? 1.00

00:32:11.000 You know that comedian Brian Jarvis at all?

00:32:14.000 Brian Jarvis has a Tom Selleck mustache and if you know his comedy and you know his face, it's just perfect.

00:32:19.000 When you say aggressive gay man, for a while I never knew that crystal meth was so popular in the gay community. 1.00

00:32:27.000 I had no idea that meth and amphetamines and speed and And amyl nitrates and a bunch of like really crazy chemicals were so prevalent in the gay community. 1.00

00:32:36.000 So I would occasionally run into dudes that were gay, especially around West Hollywood, near the comedy store, that had this crazy fucking look in their eye. 0.99

00:32:45.000 They were like really obviously gay. 1.00

00:32:47.000 I didn't know they were hopped up on drugs. 0.99

00:32:50.000 So in my silly 25 year old just moving to LA mind, I was like, wow, there's a certain look that some of these gay guys get when they're really crazy. 1.00

00:32:59.000 I didn't realize that there's fucking... 1.00

00:33:01.000 I'm in the hub of gay meth use in the country. 1.00

00:33:06.000 That's it. 0.97

00:33:06.000 You thought it was a sexual look? 0.97

00:33:08.000 Like, oh my god, he really wants my dick. 1.00

00:33:10.000 I just thought that's what they looked like. 1.00

00:33:12.000 You have amazing radar for anything off-kilter.

00:33:16.000 It's like an animal of prey that sees, like if you put a cow in a, not an animal of prey, not that a cow is an animal of prey, but like if you put an animal of flight in like a stall and there's a piece of like a string hanging that it hasn't seen, they won't go in that stall.

00:33:31.000 And you have a very good eye for something that's like that sharp F, like there's music and all of a sudden somebody comes in with a horn like, you know, you're like, that's something weird.

00:33:40.000 You pick up on that stuff better than anybody I know.

00:33:42.000 I grew up without anybody protecting me.

00:33:44.000 Oh.

00:33:44.000 So I grew up in some weird situations.

00:33:47.000 We lived in a bunch of places where I didn't have any friends.

00:33:50.000 And I was forced at a very early age to try to get an objective sense of the world around me without listening to other people's opinions of it.

00:33:59.000 Without taking for granted that everyone else is paying attention and that they've got a grip on reality.

00:34:05.000 To me, no one had a grip on reality.

00:34:06.000 So I'm always, like, scanning everything.

00:34:08.000 And I'm an honest person.

00:34:10.000 So when I see someone, there's something off.

00:34:12.000 When I see something off, it's literally like it smells to me.

00:34:15.000 And I always use two examples.

00:34:17.000 One, I use the one with the girl, with you.

00:34:20.000 And this is a true story.

00:34:22.000 Two seconds. 0.99

00:34:22.000 She's crazy, dude. 0.99

00:34:23.000 You've got to get out of here right now. 1.00

00:34:24.000 She's crazy. 0.99

00:34:25.000 I wasn't just saying that this is maybe a crazy girl. 0.99

00:34:28.000 I was, like, emphatic about it. 0.97

00:34:30.000 I was trying to gab a mouth.

00:34:31.000 And I didn't know it.

00:34:32.000 She was doing meth.

00:34:34.000 But I chose to move her into my house.

00:34:36.000 Anyway.

00:34:37.000 But that's where it comes from. 0.94

00:34:38.000 And the other one was this guy that turned out to be a child molester.

00:34:43.000 My friend, Jan, was on the podcast a couple weeks ago.

00:34:45.000 We talked about it.

00:34:46.000 I met the guy right away.

00:34:47.000 They're hanging out with this guy.

00:34:48.000 He's their friend, their buddy. 0.99

00:34:49.000 And right away, I'm like, what the fuck is this guy doing here? 0.98

00:34:52.000 Everything was like... 0.99

00:34:53.000 All these alarms are going off.

00:34:55.000 He calls me up a couple weeks later and goes, you're not going to believe who just got arrested.

00:34:59.000 And he says that guy's name, and I go, he was a child molester, right?

00:35:02.000 And he goes, yeah. 1.00

00:35:03.000 He goes, how the fuck did you know? 0.99

00:35:04.000 I go, dude, I don't know. 0.99

00:35:05.000 I don't know how I knew, but that was number one guess.

00:35:07.000 You mean when you were younger, you met this guy?

00:35:09.000 No, no, no.

00:35:09.000 This was just a few years ago.

00:35:10.000 But those are my two best examples of being able to pick up. 0.99

00:35:14.000 Right away, I saw him, and right away, I was like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:35:17.000 And I even said to the guy, what's up with that guy? 0.99

00:35:18.000 What was it?

00:35:19.000 I don't know, man.

00:35:20.000 It was everything.

00:35:21.000 Smells, the way he's moving, the way he's interacting with other people. 1.00

00:35:24.000 Smell like a young kid's penis? 1.00

00:35:25.000 Well, when you say smell... 1.00

00:35:27.000 Stop it, Brian.

00:35:28.000 When you say smell, that's a thing that they believe about psychosis, about some psychotic behavior may actually be triggered by pheromones.

00:35:37.000 And literally, you put out a certain smell, and this is all theoretical, and they really don't exactly know what causes some people's psychotic episodes.

00:35:45.000 But they think you put out a certain smell and then people smell this and they're put off by you.

00:35:50.000 And so people are acting weird with you.

00:35:52.000 So you think, am I weird?

00:35:53.000 And it starts this chain reaction that literally can make a person slowly go crazy.

00:35:58.000 We know the worst thing you can do to a person in prison is to put them in solitary confinement and leave them alone with their own thoughts without interacting with people.

00:36:06.000 That's when psychosis actually forms.

00:36:10.000 Yeah.

00:36:10.000 There's something that we need when we interact with people.

00:36:13.000 And when we get it wrong, like if you literally smell off, and I'm using the word smell.

00:36:18.000 No, I understand.

00:36:18.000 Because there's a smell like that pheromones are like, you don't really smell them, right?

00:36:22.000 I think people vibrate at the wrong frequency sometimes.

00:36:25.000 Sometimes.

00:36:25.000 They're jerking differently.

00:36:27.000 And your body, there's a book, I mean, Malcolm Gladwell wrote that book, Blink, about that, where a human eye can pick up a massive amount of information.

00:36:35.000 Did you ever hear, did you ever read that book?

00:36:37.000 He uses an amazing example of, there was this, the Getty Museum paid a fortune.

00:36:43.000 A fortune for a statue that was a young Greek boy.

00:36:47.000 It was called a Kouros. 0.97

00:36:48.000 And they found the statue in Greece, fully formed.

00:36:51.000 And they were like, whoa, this statue is like, I mean, they had never found something.

00:36:56.000 And it was worth a fortune.

00:36:57.000 And the Getty was going to pay something like $300 million, some crazy amount, $30 million, whatever it is.

00:37:03.000 And it was a lot of money.

00:37:05.000 But the thing is, the Getty kept running these tests on it.

00:37:09.000 And this guy, the guy who was the creator, the first thing that came to his mind, he said, when I saw it, there was something off.

00:37:15.000 I said, what was it?

00:37:16.000 He said, the first word that came to mind was fresh.

00:37:19.000 When I saw it, it looked fresh.

00:37:20.000 He said, and if something's been in the ground for 5,000 years, it shouldn't come out looking fresh.

00:37:24.000 So they ran all these tests.

00:37:26.000 They dug into the marble really, really deep.

00:37:28.000 They took the mold on the actual marble to see how old it was.

00:37:32.000 And they did all these tests.

00:37:34.000 I mean, literally spent a year testing it before they bought it.

00:37:37.000 Okay?

00:37:37.000 So now, they buy it.

00:37:39.000 And they put it on display.

00:37:40.000 I believe they brought it to Italy.

00:37:44.000 It was a traveling exhibit.

00:37:47.000 And the minute they were setting it up to show, as they pulled it off, I believe, if you guys are listening and you read the book, it's been a while since I read the book, but for the story's sake, the curator of that museum, the guy who's the expert, they lifted the veil to show how they were going to present it.

00:38:03.000 And after all these tests, he stopped and he went, he goes, Did you guys pay for this already?

00:38:10.000 And I go, yeah, what are you talking about?

00:38:12.000 Oh, no, no, can you get your money back?

00:38:13.000 No, no, this is a fake.

00:38:14.000 This is a fake.

00:38:15.000 And I go, what are you talking about?

00:38:17.000 And he picked up on it.

00:38:18.000 He picked up on what everybody else picked up on it, but they were so excited that they actually found this thing that they didn't want to believe it.

00:38:23.000 And he said, if you have to test for a year on the authenticity of something, All of you guys, all of your experienced minds were telling you right away, there's something wrong here. 0.99

00:38:32.000 We wanted that mystery shit. 0.97

00:38:34.000 He uses so many classic examples. 1.00

00:38:35.000 Watch this.

00:38:36.000 They had people come to his office, to a psychiatrist's office, and when they mentioned the words orange, Florida, and raisin, People left the office much slower than they did otherwise.

00:38:53.000 Why?

00:38:54.000 Because when you mentioned orange, Florida, and raisin, people thought of old people, retirees.

00:39:00.000 And so young people would actually leave the office, they would walk down the hallway leaving the office much slowly, a lot slower than they did when they didn't hear those words.

00:39:08.000 So what you hear What is suggested to you has a profound effect on your physiology, not just your mind.

00:39:16.000 And he uses so many incredible examples of this, I can't even tell you.

00:39:19.000 It's incredible.

00:39:20.000 So if you guys are listening, the book is called Blink, and it's outstanding.

00:39:24.000 All of Malcolm Gladwell's books are great.

00:39:27.000 Literally a blink of an eye saw this statue and knew.

00:39:31.000 Immediately.

00:39:32.000 He felt it.

00:39:32.000 And the human eye, you can glance at something and pick up on everything.

00:39:36.000 Right.

00:39:37.000 Much more information than you can even imagine.

00:39:39.000 And we have learned how to do that.

00:39:42.000 He calls it slicing.

00:39:43.000 I think broad slicing or something where you just pick up.

00:39:45.000 I've always felt like there's more senses than we can totally define because there's a sense when someone's lying.

00:39:50.000 There's a sense that it's very difficult to describe deceptive language because if you looked at it on a computer, the timing seems to be pretty similar.

00:39:59.000 I mean, if someone's good at it, their timing is pretty similar to someone who's being honest.

00:40:03.000 Yeah, but what does a lie detector do?

00:40:04.000 It measures in a very minute detail your breathing, your respiratory, all these things, the heat of your skin and all that.

00:40:11.000 And that changes when you're not telling the truth. 0.95

00:40:15.000 Unless you're a sociopath.

00:40:17.000 I've always wondered if that goes off, though, if you're nervous. 0.99

00:40:19.000 Because you've ever been innocent of something, but someone thinks you're guilty, and when you're describing what actually happened, it sounds ridiculous. 0.57

00:40:24.000 It does.

00:40:25.000 And you feel like you're guilty, but you're not guilty.

00:40:27.000 It does, but a guy who knows how to operate a lie detector will take that into account.

00:40:31.000 And that's why when you do that, they ask you very simple questions first.

00:40:35.000 They ask you, what's your name?

00:40:36.000 Where'd you grow up?

00:40:37.000 And then they'll start getting into it slowly.

00:40:41.000 And then they take that into account.

00:40:42.000 Now, a lot of guys say you can throw off a lot of tech tests by getting your body tight to begin with.

00:40:47.000 And so you fool it. 1.00

00:40:49.000 What if you were high as fuck? 1.00

00:40:50.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:40:51.000 I bet you could go in there on LSD and just blaze through that bitch. 1.00

00:40:55.000 With sociopaths, apparently it doesn't work because they don't care if they lie or not. 1.00

00:40:58.000 Because they don't care.

00:40:58.000 There's no guilt.

00:40:59.000 You would think, though, you could easily throw it off by just, like, every time he asks a question, you just think of something like, my dog dying or something like that.

00:41:05.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:41:06.000 They can force you out of that.

00:41:07.000 There's, like, they know that people do that, so there's tactics in order to, like, to trip you up with questions that kind of will fuck with your emotions.

00:41:14.000 Yeah.

00:41:14.000 Because you don't know what the question's going to be beforehand.

00:41:16.000 Yeah.

00:41:16.000 So, yeah, I know what you're saying, though.

00:41:18.000 I would think that, too.

00:41:18.000 Think about Spider-Man.

00:41:19.000 Yeah.

00:41:19.000 Every time, you know, they ask you, have you ever stole money from this bank?

00:41:22.000 You think about Spider-Man. 1.00

00:41:23.000 Or just put, like, razor blades in your ass, and it hurts so bad the whole time you're thinking about the razor blades. 1.00

00:41:27.000 Did somebody say razor blades in their ass? 1.00

00:41:29.000 Oh, Brian. 1.00

00:41:30.000 There's a thing that I wanted to talk about this when you were talking about that statue being a fraud.

00:41:35.000 There's a thing called the Voynich Manuscript.

00:41:38.000 I don't know if you ever heard about this, but it was a book that was thought to have been written in the early 15th century.

00:41:44.000 And it's in a language that no one could decipher.

00:41:47.000 And they sent this to all the top coders and the experts and the people that decoded the Nazi signals in the 40s and the top coders in the world.

00:41:58.000 And people have gone over it for decades. 0.97

00:42:00.000 Nobody can figure out how to fucking decode it. 0.98

00:42:02.000 They have no idea what this language is. 0.98

00:42:03.000 It's all illustrated with all these beautiful pictures. 0.98

00:42:07.000 But nobody wanted to admit that since they had been working on this for so long, it might just be bullshit. 0.96

00:42:14.000 And that's what it turns out of this. 0.94

00:42:15.000 It turns out that this is a guy, they think the guy that sold it initially to this Voynich fellow was a con man.

00:42:25.000 And that he knew that Voynich loved old manuscripts, so he concocted this really elaborate old manuscript.

00:42:32.000 complete with detailed pictures of plants and all these different things. 0.87

00:42:36.000 So it makes it look like there's all sorts of knowledge in this book, but it's 100% horseshit A fake language.

00:42:42.000 And he wrote a 240-page fake language book. 0.78

00:42:45.000 And people have been studying it. 1.00

00:42:46.000 Shit. 1.00

00:42:47.000 Since fucking... 1.00

00:42:48.000 When did he get it? 1.00

00:42:49.000 1912. Incredible.

00:42:51.000 1912. So for a hundred fucking years, assholes have been going over this guy's fake book. 1.00

00:42:56.000 And people suspected it early on. 1.00

00:42:59.000 people are like, well, what if it's a fake?

00:43:00.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:43:01.000 And the more time goes on, the more they don't want to even think about the possibility that Yeah.

00:43:06.000 It's kind of like...

00:43:06.000 That's very human.

00:43:07.000 That's very human.

00:43:08.000 Yeah.

00:43:09.000 And this story, in the beginning of the book, is just incredible.

00:43:12.000 You just say, wow, the Getty got duped by a comment.

00:43:15.000 You know what they found?

00:43:16.000 The mold on the...

00:43:19.000 Because it was taken from a type of marble that can only be found in a rock bed in Thessaloniki.

00:43:28.000 So they came from there and the mold, they had these tests to test the mold and how old it was.

00:43:35.000 There's a type of mold that grows on a potato that you can grow on marble.

00:43:39.000 So whoever did this knew exactly what they were doing with.

00:43:41.000 Wow.

00:43:42.000 And they just got away with 30, 40, whatever million dollars at the getty.

00:43:46.000 And then do they just disappear? 0.97

00:43:48.000 Some people are such badasses. 0.68

00:43:50.000 Like, talk about just going all the way. 0.98

00:43:51.000 Like, yeah, found the statue.

00:43:53.000 You guys want to buy it?

00:43:56.000 Even coming up with that, like, hey guys, I got an idea.

00:43:58.000 Let's carve a statue out of marble in the rock bed of Thessaloniki and we'll grow a potato mold on it and sell it for 40 million. 0.98

00:44:04.000 Get the Get the fuck out of my office, what? 0.98

00:44:06.000 Somebody must have really known a lot about art to pull that off. 0.99

00:44:10.000 Yeah, that's what blows my mind.

00:44:11.000 There are people out there that are just so good at stuff like that and that's how they do it.

00:44:14.000 They just hang the cup and they go, I'm gonna rip off a museum. 0.99

00:44:18.000 That's like some movie shit. 0.99

00:44:19.000 Indiana Jones. 1.00

00:44:21.000 That's movie shit. 1.00

00:44:22.000 It's like, you heard about that Lee Murray heist? 1.00

00:44:26.000 No.

00:44:27.000 Oh yeah, the fighter.

00:44:28.000 The MMA fighter from England.

00:44:29.000 $83 million or something.

00:44:30.000 Yeah, something like that.

00:44:31.000 It was in pounds.

00:44:31.000 I don't know how it translates.

00:44:33.000 I want to be a fighter and a bank robber. 1.00

00:44:34.000 I suck. 1.00

00:44:35.000 It was like the biggest heist in history. 1.00

00:44:37.000 They should let him out.

00:44:38.000 Come on, he's awesome!

00:44:39.000 They wore masks and guns and they literally planned it all out and timed it all out to the alarms. 1.00

00:44:44.000 They did it like a goddamn movie. 1.00

00:44:45.000 Phew. 1.00

00:44:46.000 And he's in a jail in Morocco now, and Morocco won't send him back over.

00:44:50.000 Really?

00:44:51.000 Yeah, Morocco is pretty loked out. 1.00

00:44:54.000 Like, if you're a Moroccan citizen, they protect you.

00:44:56.000 So there's been a few fighters that got in trouble and just bolted to Morocco, like Badr Hari.

00:45:02.000 Padahari got in a bit of trouble, bolted to Morocco.

00:45:04.000 Once you're in Morocco, man, they care of their own. 1.00

00:45:06.000 That's not bad.

00:45:07.000 And they love fighters in Morocco.

00:45:08.000 Do they?

00:45:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:45:09.000 But Lee Murray, man, he just fucked up too large. 1.00

00:45:12.000 They had to come after him, even in Morocco. 0.99

00:45:14.000 And when he was in Morocco, by the way, on the lam, he beat a guy up and kidnapped him.

00:45:18.000 Oh, my God.

00:45:20.000 He's a rough guy.

00:45:21.000 It's like he wasn't slowing down once he got to Morocco.

00:45:24.000 I got a feeling he runs that prison yard. 0.92

00:45:26.000 He's an animal.

00:45:28.000 Yeah, that guy was, he's quite a character. 0.92

00:45:30.000 That guy got almost stabbed to death.

00:45:31.000 He got stabbed like some insane amount of times.

00:45:34.000 His heart stopped a couple times. 1.00

00:45:35.000 They had to restart him on the fucking operating table. 0.99

00:45:38.000 And he had a video online of him six to eight weeks, I think, after open heart surgery hitting the pads. 0.99

00:45:47.000 Then Lee Murray's back and chose Lee Murray.

00:45:49.000 They're bobbing and weaving and throwing combinations in the pads. 0.99

00:45:52.000 Six fucking weeks after open heart surgery. 0.98

00:45:54.000 I take a three hour flight and I'm like, I gotta take a nap. 0.99

00:45:57.000 I'm tired.

00:45:58.000 I wish I knew the exact amount of weeks it was.

00:46:00.000 It might not have been six, it might have been twelve. 0.99

00:46:02.000 Whatever it was, it was fucking ridiculous. 0.99

00:46:04.000 This guy just had open heart surgery and now all of a sudden he's hitting the pads. 1.00

00:46:07.000 And he's getting ready to fuck people up. 0.99

00:46:09.000 That's what he's saying. 1.00

00:46:09.000 He's like, I'm back you fucking bitches. 1.00

00:46:11.000 And he's throwing punches in the pads. 1.00

00:46:12.000 You can snap my heart with a knife and I'll still kick your ass. 1.00

00:46:16.000 He's a legit gangster. 1.00

00:46:18.000 That guy was legit.

00:46:19.000 He's originally from England, though.

00:46:21.000 Well, he lived in England.

00:46:22.000 He lived and fought out of England.

00:46:24.000 Fought some tough guys, too, man.

00:46:25.000 Fought Anderson Silva.

00:46:26.000 Went the distance with him.

00:46:27.000 Wow.

00:46:27.000 And Anderson was really coming into his own.

00:46:30.000 Does anybody get away with bank robber?

00:46:32.000 Does anybody pull off huge heists?

00:46:33.000 That's a very good question, man. 0.99

00:46:34.000 A guy just pulled off a fucking Picasso heist in San Francisco. 0.98

00:46:38.000 Picasso's different, though, because art is a really good thing to get into. 0.98

00:46:40.000 Because, first of all, a jury's considered a victim of crime, so a lot of times you don't do a lot of time.

00:46:44.000 Really?

00:46:45.000 Yeah.

00:46:46.000 And also, there's just people that you can unload it with.

00:46:48.000 It's an interesting story, though.

00:46:49.000 This one, this guy walked into a gallery, picked it up off the wall, walked out, got in a cab, took off.

00:46:56.000 Nobody noticed him taking this Picasso sketch off a wall.

00:46:59.000 Wow.

00:46:59.000 It's worth like 200 grand.

00:47:01.000 He just grabs it and leaves.

00:47:02.000 Yeah.

00:47:02.000 But the thing is, good luck selling it.

00:47:05.000 How are you going to sell that thing?

00:47:06.000 That's the issue.

00:47:06.000 Everyone knows what it is.

00:47:08.000 Yeah, but you can sell it.

00:47:09.000 I'll tell you the stuff.

00:47:09.000 There's private sellers.

00:47:11.000 Yeah, you sell it to some really rich Chinese tycoon who lives like, you know... 0.85

00:47:15.000 In Manchuria and wants it on his wall. 0.78

00:47:17.000 Yeah, you would have to know exactly who that guy is.

00:47:19.000 That's like a tricky situation.

00:47:21.000 But they usually do.

00:47:22.000 They usually go, I got a Picasso for sale.

00:47:24.000 Give me $100,000.

00:47:26.000 That's how usually they get caught, though, too.

00:47:28.000 They sell it to...

00:47:29.000 Well, you've got to let the guy who's selling it make a big piece of the pie.

00:47:32.000 That's what you've got to do.

00:47:33.000 If you got something like that and stolen and you're smart, what you would do is you would go to someone and say, listen, man, we both know this thing's worth $200,000.

00:47:40.000 Give me $100,000.

00:47:41.000 You know what's funny? 0.97

00:47:42.000 And then you take a hundred grand off of it and then the guy's like, okay, well I just made a good fucking chunk of money. 0.56

00:47:46.000 Now this is worth my risk and I can insure both of our safeties. 0.79

00:47:49.000 But I don't think criminals, I don't think criminals like that.

00:47:52.000 I'm like a gentleman criminal.

00:47:53.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:47:54.000 I don't think criminals like that do it for the money.

00:47:56.000 I think criminals do it for the juice.

00:47:58.000 I think that, you know, we all have, some people have to get drunk, some people have to get, you know, they have to do blow, other people just have to do crime.

00:48:05.000 It's the same kind of game.

00:48:05.000 I recommend jiu-jitsu, my friend.

00:48:08.000 Jiu-jitsu?

00:48:08.000 Get in there and get your freak on.

00:48:10.000 I gotta start rolling.

00:48:11.000 Get back in there, buddy.

00:48:12.000 I need to go to Javier Verdum's place.

00:48:15.000 Who?

00:48:15.000 Javier Verdum is half a mile away.

00:48:17.000 You mean Fabrizio?

00:48:18.000 Fabrizio.

00:48:19.000 Javier's his brother.

00:48:20.000 I'm going to go in there and go, hey, is Javier here?

00:48:22.000 Javier's his brother that's like, you know, Fabrizio's not that big a deal, man.

00:48:25.000 I'm telling you.

00:48:26.000 I haven't got the real deal.

00:48:27.000 I gave him an award at the MMA Awards, Fabrizio.

00:48:30.000 He is such a giant.

00:48:32.000 He's a huge dude.

00:48:32.000 He's just a huge guy.

00:48:33.000 He's a badass jiu-jitsu guy.

00:48:35.000 If this was just jiu-jitsu, if MMA was just jiu-jitsu, like, see, he's one of those guys that really became an MMA fighter as a jiu-jitsu champion and had to learn everything else from scratch.

00:48:46.000 And, like, when he first, like, first fought Olofsky, like, you look at that fight, he, like, had no striking.

00:48:50.000 Even when he fought Alistar the first time, had very little striking.

00:48:54.000 He just wanted to get guys to the ground, and when he got Alistar to the ground back then, he submitted them.

00:48:57.000 It's a shame that there's not, like, professional jiu-jitsu and professional wrestling.

00:49:01.000 Well, it's a Mundial's, right?

00:49:02.000 Yeah.

00:49:02.000 Yeah, but there's not real money in it.

00:49:04.000 You know what I mean?

00:49:04.000 And wrestling as well, man.

00:49:06.000 Real professional wrestling. 0.99

00:49:08.000 It should be a goddamn sport. 0.99

00:49:09.000 You need to be. 1.00

00:49:09.000 That's a very small audience who understands it. 1.00

00:49:11.000 You say that, but fucking golf is on TV, man. 1.00

00:49:14.000 And that's boring as fuck. 1.00

00:49:15.000 You could watch real high-level wrestlers going at it and pinning each other. 1.00

00:49:21.000 I agree.

00:49:22.000 I love it.

00:49:22.000 Dude, you can't tell me that if you didn't get someone to explain it correctly, you get some really passionate wrestling champion guy to explain it correctly.

00:49:28.000 I almost think that people who watch wrestling did wrestle, so they know the difference.

00:49:32.000 I don't know about that, man.

00:49:33.000 I think people could watch it just like, I swear to God I could watch golf. 0.97

00:49:36.000 I know it's boring as fuck, but I can watch it. 0.99

00:49:38.000 There's a conclusion. 0.99

00:49:39.000 I know what the conclusion is.

00:49:40.000 This guy's going to hit that thing, and if it goes in there, then he's happy. 1.00

00:49:43.000 And if it doesn't go in there, oh, he's fucked. 0.99

00:49:45.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:49:46.000 So in that simple little, I don't play golf, and I don't know what strokes are and par.

00:49:50.000 You should never pick up golf because you'll become crazy.

00:49:52.000 Yeah, I'm not going to touch it.

00:49:53.000 Because you're so obsessive.

00:49:55.000 It's pool outside.

00:49:56.000 You'll love it.

00:49:56.000 I can't do it.

00:49:57.000 Well, I wouldn't do it.

00:49:58.000 Well, that's what I always think about.

00:50:00.000 Why would you play pool if it was outside?

00:50:02.000 Wouldn't you make it all inside?

00:50:04.000 It would be ridiculous because then you could play in the rain.

00:50:06.000 Like golf, you can't play in the rain.

00:50:07.000 Especially on the East Coast.

00:50:09.000 I know.

00:50:09.000 When you get an addiction, you don't want to have to take the time off in the winter.

00:50:12.000 I played pool all through the winter.

00:50:14.000 You can always play pool.

00:50:15.000 You can still play in the rain, and that's what kind of makes it different than pool is that your environment is always changing.

00:50:20.000 So it's not like the same flat surface every time.

00:50:22.000 You're like, hey, now the pool table is in a mountain and there's an ocean in the middle of it.

00:50:26.000 That is cool. 0.72

00:50:27.000 And it also is cool that you have to adjust for like the wind and shit like that. 0.82

00:50:31.000 Think about like you're playing against nature a little bit. 0.87

00:50:33.000 Golf is, you know, it's that saying, it's like the longest distance is that one, the distance between your ears, you know, it's all mental.

00:50:40.000 So as is pool.

00:50:41.000 Pool is what you're doing with pool is you have a slippery surface of a fast Simonis 860 cloth, right?

00:50:48.000 It's not even like felt.

00:50:49.000 People think of it as felt. 0.92

00:50:50.000 But it's a cloth, and the balls roll very nice and smooth and even on that. 0.53

00:50:54.000 And the balls are all waxed and cleaned, and they all weigh the perfect amount of weight.

00:50:57.000 They all weigh the same exact weight.

00:50:59.000 And these balls, you're colliding one ball into another, trying to send it into a very small space.

00:51:06.000 You know, usually in pro tournaments, it's four and a half inch pockets.

00:51:09.000 So you have very little room for error.

00:51:11.000 And you're calculating the exact distance, the amount of rotations that ball is going to make on this slippery cloth to get your ball in the perfect position for the next shot.

00:51:21.000 And it becomes this weird zen thing.

00:51:24.000 You know, on that, speaking of balls colliding into each other, you know what that collider actually, that super collider in Switzerland actually does?

00:51:33.000 Hadron?

00:51:33.000 You know what it actually does?

00:51:34.000 You know what they're trying to figure out?

00:51:36.000 The Higgs-Boson particle.

00:51:37.000 Yeah, the God particle.

00:51:38.000 Well, actually, they're trying to prove that.

00:51:41.000 The string theory, this notion that there are other dimensions where matter goes, right?

00:51:44.000 And so when they collide these things together, within this chamber, when these two atoms, I guess, or is that what they're going to hit them at?

00:51:54.000 When they collide, they give off debris.

00:51:57.000 They give off energy.

00:51:58.000 If that energy If part of that energy isn't there anymore, that would prove that those tiny particles that are actually smaller than quarks are going somewhere else, and that's how they're trying to prove that there are other dimensions.

00:52:15.000 Yeah, but does that even make sense?

00:52:16.000 What if those particles just burn out?

00:52:18.000 I know they said that energy can never die or whatever, and if those particles go into another dimension, but what if those particles just died?

00:52:26.000 What if we were just wrong about that?

00:52:27.000 I don't know.

00:52:28.000 I don't know.

00:52:28.000 Here's why.

00:52:30.000 Because particles can...

00:52:32.000 Two things can happen.

00:52:34.000 It's energy.

00:52:35.000 There's a lot of confusion when it comes to subatomic particles and when it comes to...

00:52:39.000 Any kind of quantum theory, because it sort of gets kind of culty and weirdy, and a lot of it is theoretical.

00:52:45.000 But here's what they do know.

00:52:46.000 They do know that particles can exist and not exist at the same time.

00:52:51.000 They can be in two different places at the same time, and they're the same particle.

00:52:54.000 And they can disappear and reappear, and we don't know where they're going.

00:52:57.000 But they do go somewhere.

00:52:59.000 And that seems to indicate a level of evidence at at least some infinitesimal subatomic level.

00:53:07.000 That there is some sort of a passageway where things go from one place and come back.

00:53:13.000 And string theory is based on this notion that at the end of it, the very smallest particles are all these sort of vibrating circles of light.

00:53:21.000 And those are so small that they can fit into different, I guess, dimensions of where...

00:53:25.000 And the idea behind string theory is that you have Newtonian reality, which is the reality you and I live in, which is gravity and everything else.

00:53:32.000 And then you have the subatomic reality, which is whenever you get into the subatomic world, a lot of times the very laws that govern us are, in fact, the opposite.

00:53:42.000 Light bends, gravity collapses on itself, all these things that I don't know about, but I mean, they'll talk about.

00:53:46.000 String theory is what Einstein called this unification theory, this one thing that brings all of it together so that you have one theory that can explain how the world really works.

00:53:59.000 But there's still a lot of controversy with it.

00:54:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:54:01.000 Still.

00:54:02.000 It's all imagination.

00:54:03.000 But they are proving with math.

00:54:08.000 There's a very good lecture on it in TED, but they can prove with math that there are other dimensions.

00:54:17.000 Eleven dimensions, right?

00:54:18.000 Yeah, eleven dimensions. 0.92

00:54:19.000 I have no idea how the fuck they prove it. 0.94

00:54:21.000 When someone says that, I just repeat it. 0.98

00:54:23.000 Oh, they proved it with math.

00:54:24.000 What was the answer?

00:54:26.000 That question they were coming up with, the answer was 357 pages long, all numbers.

00:54:31.000 Hey, this looks like fun reading!

00:54:33.000 Jesus Christ.

00:54:34.000 What are you talking about?

00:54:36.000 It's like anything else, man.

00:54:37.000 It's like what we discussed when we were talking about fighting an MMA fighter is literally like trying to get in an argument with someone and all you have is a language book for the average person.

00:54:45.000 Yeah, they speak a different language.

00:54:46.000 They speak the language of mathematics and they've been speaking this language for decades and decades and they go deep, deep, deep into the rabbit hole.

00:54:52.000 It's all, well, because mathematical theory, which is where you go, is all imagination.

00:54:57.000 You know, you see these guys sometimes, and they're actually really like, you know, this one dude's working on the particle collider, he gave this lecture at Ted, young, really good-looking kid, like, dressed, like, with these awesome clothes, and just kind of like, jeez, you don't get laid, do you?

00:55:09.000 And yet he's this brilliant physicist, like, brilliant physicist.

00:55:13.000 Well, physicists sort of have a history of being skirt chasers.

00:55:16.000 If you go back to Feynman, that was like one of Feynman's, there was like a bubble chart that would be like, are girls around? 0.52

00:55:23.000 If no girls around, you know, work on physics. 1.00

00:55:27.000 Here's what's great about that is that I'm not that smart and I have nothing to talk to girls about for the most part. 0.99

00:55:31.000 And I wonder what Well, Feynman was just such a genius.

00:55:34.000 I mean, he was such a good talker, too.

00:55:37.000 And he had, like, kind of a cool accent, too.

00:55:39.000 Because even though he was a genius, he had a very sort of an ethnic East Coast accent, which is really odd.

00:55:44.000 Well, this guy I'm talking about, he's from Manchester, and she talks like that, you know?

00:55:48.000 And he's unbelievable.

00:55:49.000 He's got long black hair and he wears this gray sort of, you know, vest.

00:55:52.000 I'm like, dude, your accent, you got hair like Johnny Depp and you helped build that collider.

00:55:58.000 You're one of the leading minds and you're 28. You know who my favorite guy is?

00:56:02.000 Aubrey de Grey.

00:56:03.000 Do you know who he is?

00:56:04.000 He's the guy who's trying to make people live forever and he has this incredible mane.

00:56:09.000 Oh, I know exactly who that awesome guy is.

00:56:11.000 He drinks beer every day.

00:56:13.000 Oh, he's awesome.

00:56:14.000 Amazing.

00:56:15.000 He's amazing.

00:56:15.000 Ray Kurzweil now has Transcendent Man.

00:56:18.000 He came out with a documentary.

00:56:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:19.000 We've talked about it a hundred times.

00:56:21.000 Really, really good.

00:56:21.000 I love that guy with that long beard.

00:56:23.000 That guy's awesome.

00:56:24.000 People can live forever.

00:56:25.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:56:25.000 Well, he's fucking on the cusp. 0.99

00:56:27.000 I mean, that guy is at the head of... 0.98

00:56:29.000 All the creative ideas about genetic engineering and redoing organs.

00:56:35.000 They created a windpipe recently with stem cells.

00:56:38.000 Did you see that?

00:56:39.000 An artificial windpipe?

00:56:40.000 I think what they did is they took a cadaver's windpipe and sprayed it with stem cells and it grew over the cartilage.

00:56:48.000 It's incredible.

00:56:49.000 And then they installed it in the guy's neck, and now he can breathe.

00:56:52.000 Yep, and they did the same thing with bladders. 1.00

00:56:54.000 We are just at the beginning of some muddy, live forever shit. 0.98

00:56:58.000 It's like the really smart guy, I can't remember his name, and he went, we've not invented anything. 0.98

00:57:03.000 I tell people that, and they don't understand.

00:57:05.000 Nothing's been invented yet.

00:57:06.000 Just wait for the next 40 years. 0.92

00:57:08.000 If you're around for the next century, it's gonna fucking, everything you know, out the window. 0.93

00:57:12.000 I put up something on my Twitter yesterday about a 3D printer. 0.97

00:57:16.000 And it was on a television show.

00:57:18.000 There was a video of it on LiveLeak and this 3D printer, this guy takes a wrench and they put the wrench into a copier and the copier looks at the wrench and figures out how the wrench is built and then makes it out of resin. 0.95

00:57:32.000 Makes it out of this incredibly hard resin where you can actually use it as a fucking wrench.

00:57:36.000 So this thing literally physically made this wrench with moving parts and prints it all in one piece. 0.97

00:57:41.000 It's so genius.

00:57:43.000 You know how a wrench has that thing in the middle where you have to screw it with your thumb to adjust it?

00:57:47.000 Well, it made that all in one printing.

00:57:50.000 And it made that part that screws with your thumb a different color.

00:57:54.000 So the adjustment wheel was a different color.

00:57:56.000 It was red and the rest of the thing was gray.

00:57:58.000 And it printed it in one 3D form. 0.98

00:58:00.000 It's fucking incredible. 0.98

00:58:01.000 You just tweeted that video? 0.99

00:58:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:58:03.000 Just yesterday.

00:58:03.000 That's why, you know, you can talk about magic.

00:58:06.000 Technology is way more incredible than any kind of magic you can think up.

00:58:09.000 It is magic.

00:58:10.000 I mean, that's probably what magic is. 1.00

00:58:12.000 All these stories of magicians, it's probably just they came upon some fucking idiots that didn't have fire yet. 1.00

00:58:17.000 You know, they came upon some dummies who didn't have guns, and they had bang sticks, and they fucking just dominated shit. 1.00

00:58:22.000 That's it. 1.00

00:58:23.000 Yeah, I mean, look... 0.99

00:58:25.000 What fucking magic? 0.99

00:58:26.000 Everybody forgot it? 1.00

00:58:27.000 They remember everything else?

00:58:29.000 I like that.

00:58:30.000 In Transcendent Man, what they were talking about, basically, that we are going to mesh with machines, there's no question, and our biology is going to die off.

00:58:36.000 As you make eyes that work better, as you make skin that can heat up, as you make, you know, your body is going to start meshing with biocompatible components that mimic and are, in fact, better than the very...

00:58:48.000 Material you currently live in.

00:58:50.000 And it's going to be a world where people are going to decide to go that way or other people are going to decide, you know what, I'm going to die with my old biological self.

00:58:58.000 Yeah, it's going to be interesting.

00:58:59.000 It's going to be interesting to figure out what people choose.

00:59:03.000 My favorite part about that movie is just the story about him and his father.

00:59:07.000 Weird, right?

00:59:08.000 Yeah, man.

00:59:08.000 You know what?

00:59:09.000 That was about a guy who really misses his father and doesn't accept death.

00:59:13.000 That's an ambitious thing.

00:59:15.000 I don't accept that people die. 1.00

00:59:17.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:59:17.000 I'm going to defend something where they don't. 1.00

00:59:19.000 Well, it was obviously to him, it really defined him as a human.

00:59:24.000 Loved his father.

00:59:24.000 Yeah, loved his father.

00:59:25.000 And that's the same story with that guy, Ronald Mallet, the professor out of the University of Connecticut, that's the leading theorist on time travel.

00:59:33.000 His father died when he was a kid, and it freaked him out so bad that he dedicated his life to developing a time machine because he wants to go back in time and save his old man.

00:59:43.000 Jesus! 0.99

00:59:43.000 That doesn't make you want to fucking cry. 0.99

00:59:45.000 I know. 0.97

00:59:46.000 And this guy's like, no, he's in his 50s, and he's like the leading...

00:59:48.000 And not only that, he's figured out, at least theoretically, through his studies, that that would actually be impossible.

00:59:53.000 And that what's going to happen with the time machine, the current theory is that when a time machine is invented, What the issue becomes is then all time ceases to become linear because everyone from the invention of that time machine on to the end of time can come back to that moment in time and any moment in between and any time they choose.

01:00:12.000 So time loses all of its linear quality but only the moment the door is opened.

01:00:17.000 That's when it happens.

01:00:18.000 So literally the idea is that the way they describe it is you can't travel where there are no roads.

01:00:23.000 Once the road has been created from that moment in time on, time ceases to become what we define as time today.

01:00:28.000 You know, I had Einstein's theory of gravity and explained to me, like, well, for example, the Sun is 93 million miles away from the Earth.

01:00:37.000 Why does it have an effect?

01:00:40.000 Why does its gravity affect the Earth?

01:00:43.000 And so on and so forth.

01:00:45.000 Why does the moons have the same relationship with the Earth?

01:00:47.000 And the way Einstein described it is really interesting.

01:00:50.000 He said time and space bends.

01:00:52.000 It bends according to whatever object is essentially in it.

01:00:55.000 So if you look at time and space as a blanket, a tight blanket, and you drop a pool ball on it, what happens to the blanket is there's an indentation.

01:01:05.000 So that's essentially what it's doing to time and space.

01:01:08.000 It's bent that plane of time and space.

01:01:11.000 That's a wild way of looking at it.

01:01:12.000 And now it's spinning.

01:01:13.000 Now take another ball.

01:01:15.000 The smaller ball is rotating within, around that, because it's created an indentation there in its own orbit.

01:01:23.000 So that little ball is now going around the perimeter of where that one ball is sitting.

01:01:29.000 It creates a vortex.

01:01:30.000 And that's how Einstein described gravity to a four-year-old.

01:01:34.000 He said, this is how gravity and time works.

01:01:38.000 And of course, the farther away you get from that, the less you spin or the longer it takes to complete one revolution, which means then that you get, as you go farther away, you don't age as quickly.

01:01:51.000 Time goes by much slower.

01:01:52.000 That's right.

01:01:53.000 It takes longer to revolve around whatever is exerting gravity on you.

01:01:59.000 But isn't that a crazy thought that you could escape gravity and live longer?

01:02:03.000 Technically, you would live longer.

01:02:05.000 That's right.

01:02:06.000 And when you would come back...

01:02:07.000 But you would have to go out to...

01:02:08.000 But would it be relative?

01:02:09.000 Like, for you.

01:02:10.000 Like, what I'm saying is, if you went out and you were 30 years at the speed of light, and then you came back and everyone was dead, and, you know, the people that were children were old people, you would be the same age, but... 0.99

01:02:21.000 You would feel like you had only lived 30 years or whatever the fuck it was. 0.95

01:02:25.000 You wouldn't feel like you've gone through... 0.99

01:02:28.000 No, you would probably...

01:02:29.000 Those 30 years would be real for you, I guess, in...

01:02:31.000 In your time, in 30 years' time.

01:02:33.000 In your time, sure. 0.99

01:02:33.000 Well, how does that fucking work? 0.99

01:02:35.000 That's what's so crazy about it. 0.99

01:02:36.000 Are you moving slower?

01:02:37.000 Like, what's going on?

01:02:38.000 No, you're actually...

01:02:39.000 See, because as you...

01:02:42.000 Take the sheet...

01:02:46.000 And then take the ball that's in the middle of the sheet.

01:02:49.000 As you rotate around that ball, if you're close to that ball, it's a smaller circle, isn't it?

01:02:56.000 As you get out farther, it's like a record player.

01:02:59.000 Take a record player.

01:03:00.000 If I put you on the first line, it's going to take you a much shorter time to make a complete revolution.

01:03:05.000 I put you at the end of the record player, it's going to take you a long time to go all the way around.

01:03:09.000 That's time.

01:03:10.000 And as you go further out, it takes you much longer to complete a year.

01:03:15.000 It's a really wild concept, but that is where time and space bends.

01:03:20.000 See, that's where my feeble brain loses it.

01:03:23.000 It starts short-circuiting.

01:03:24.000 Because the reason why I'm losing it is because why does it take more time when you're out further when in Earth time is going faster?

01:03:35.000 I understand that there's revolutions, but why are you not aging and feeling the same thing as those people on Earth?

01:03:42.000 The idea of alternate versions of time and space and traveling at a speed, it's too much.

01:03:49.000 What's amazing, though, is that it's been proven with subatomic...

01:03:52.000 When Einstein came up with these theories, we didn't have atomic clocks and things.

01:03:59.000 We didn't have the actual tools to prove it.

01:04:02.000 And it wasn't until later on when we actually came up with the technology and the math to prove it, especially the instruments to measure it.

01:04:10.000 And when we came up with the instruments to measure it later on, say 30, 40 years later, it turned out the guy was right.

01:04:16.000 You know, that's when you know you're really smart.

01:04:18.000 When you're like, I got a theory.

01:04:19.000 You guys don't actually even have the machines to measure this, but here's how it goes.

01:04:23.000 Imagine being the first guy to be like, if I shoot you way out, time and space bends like a blanket.

01:04:29.000 Let me show you with this pool ball and a blanket.

01:04:31.000 You'd be like, what the, this guy's, what's with the gray-haired guy? 0.90

01:04:35.000 All I'm thinking about is banging girls. 0.99

01:04:37.000 Well, that's what he was in it, too. 0.98

01:04:39.000 Einstein was kind of a pimp.

01:04:41.000 Picasso said, a man does everything for women. 1.00

01:04:43.000 He fights bulls.

01:04:44.000 He does it all.

01:04:44.000 He paints.

01:04:45.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:04:45.000 He goes to war for women so he can look good and come back with a bunch of medals on his chest. 1.00

01:04:49.000 I'm not saying that's the case with everybody.

01:04:51.000 It's amazing how guys like Einstein and guys like Nikola Tesla, they live amongst you and I. But they literally couldn't be any further from the type of person, especially you and I. You and I are like mirror images of each other.

01:05:06.000 We always have been our whole lives.

01:05:08.000 When I first met Brian, I was on MADtv with his cup he's got right there. 0.98

01:05:12.000 And I was like, who's this fucking guy who's just like me? 0.98

01:05:15.000 You know? 0.99

01:05:16.000 Immediately it was like, we were the same age. 0.99

01:05:19.000 We were both ridiculous. 1.00

01:05:20.000 We were both like, I can't believe I'm in fucking Hollywood. 1.00

01:05:22.000 I'm on a TV show. 0.99

01:05:23.000 I'm like, I can't. 0.99

01:05:24.000 I can't believe I'm on a fucking TV show either. 0.99

01:05:26.000 Where are you from? 0.99

01:05:27.000 You know who I got along with really well?

01:05:29.000 I just did a show of his and I really liked it was Jay Moore.

01:05:32.000 Jay Moore and I hit it off right away.

01:05:33.000 He loves you.

01:05:34.000 He's a great guy.

01:05:36.000 He's an East Coast smartass.

01:05:39.000 I felt so comfortable with the guy.

01:05:41.000 He looked in my ears and goes, did you wrestle?

01:05:42.000 I go, yeah.

01:05:43.000 He used to wrestle.

01:05:44.000 I didn't know that.

01:05:45.000 Oh, really?

01:05:45.000 Yeah, he was a wrestler.

01:05:47.000 He's funny, man.

01:05:48.000 He kills me.

01:05:49.000 He's a funny guy, man. 0.99

01:05:50.000 Silly goose? 1.00

01:05:51.000 Yeah, he's sort of a guy's guy, sort of a comedian. 0.98

01:05:55.000 Yeah, he loves you.

01:05:56.000 A lot of comics don't like him because of that.

01:05:58.000 They don't like that jockey sense of humor. 1.00

01:06:00.000 Fuck that, he's a great guy. 1.00

01:06:01.000 Yeah, he gets shit for that. 1.00

01:06:02.000 I've heard that about him. 0.99

01:06:03.000 They don't like that whole Jay Moore style.

01:06:05.000 They should lift weights and take some testosterone. 1.00

01:06:08.000 Stop being fucking un-American, because Jay Moore's a good American. 1.00

01:06:10.000 Un-American. 1.00

01:06:11.000 Joe, have you been following this marijuana thing that you just released the reports on the medical... 0.99

01:06:19.000 Yeah, the federal government has declared there's no medical, no, I forget the wording, but no valid medical use for marijuana, which is just fucking ridiculous. 0.96

01:06:29.000 We have a friend that has a brother that has, he's on the autism spectrum. 0.94

01:06:35.000 I mean, he communicates with you.

01:06:38.000 He's, you know, he's right there.

01:06:39.000 He's present.

01:06:40.000 But he's very, very shy.

01:06:41.000 And you give this kid pot, and you can noticeably see him relax.

01:06:46.000 And it's been known to alleviate a lot of the social anxiety and the weirdness that autistic people have in communicating. 1.00

01:06:55.000 I've seen it with my own eyes.

01:06:56.000 I've seen that very same example of somebody who is a high-functioning autistic who would smoke weed and would literally become lucid.

01:07:03.000 Yeah.

01:07:03.000 And so, you know, you can say what you want.

01:07:05.000 It's a chemical that's going to affect your brain.

01:07:07.000 Maybe some people it affects them negatively, other people it's going to affect them positively, you know.

01:07:11.000 If you're going to tell me that if you look at the amount of damage just in money terms, and by the way in lives, that alcohol does versus weed, one of the funniest and craziest things that make no sense is that weed's illegal but alcohol is?

01:07:26.000 I don't know.

01:07:26.000 Okay.

01:07:27.000 It's crazy.

01:07:28.000 It's terrible for your body.

01:07:29.000 I'm not the first person to talk about this, but yeah.

01:07:31.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:07:32.000 But I mean, it's an example of how slowly, in some ways, things change.

01:07:37.000 Yeah.

01:07:37.000 They change very slowly because when people get ideas...

01:07:41.000 Ideas have...

01:07:42.000 Ideas are really what move and change everything in the world.

01:07:45.000 And this goes back to these guys like Tesla. 0.74

01:07:47.000 When you think about people who are thinking of truly seminal ideas, like some people sit around and they fucking just sit around and think like up new constructs.

01:07:58.000 They change everything for the next hundred years.

01:08:02.000 What a privilege.

01:08:04.000 What an amazing accomplishment.

01:08:06.000 Like, what an amazing accomplishment.

01:08:08.000 I'm going to come up with, I'm going to change everybody in the world's paradigm.

01:08:14.000 I'm going to change how you live the rest of your life.

01:08:16.000 That's what it is.

01:08:17.000 Well, what these guys at the Large Hadron Collider are doing are literally changing our interface with reality.

01:08:22.000 I mean, they have a new kind of matter. 0.76

01:08:25.000 You know this quark gluon plasma shit that they came up with? 0.97

01:08:28.000 One sugar cube is like 40 billion tons. 0.98

01:08:31.000 I mean, they're doing things that people have only theorized for the longest time, and it's never going to stop.

01:08:36.000 This is what I tell people, and I joke around about this on stage, that we're here to make the Big Bang.

01:08:40.000 And this is like a whole bit about the Large Hadron Collider that might be like the destiny of human beings to reset the universe.

01:08:46.000 We will never stop.

01:08:48.000 Whatever we learn from the Large Hadron Collider, we will apply to the next greater thing.

01:08:52.000 And it's going to keep going on.

01:08:53.000 And if we survive a hundred years, the exponential increase of technology...

01:08:57.000 It's all exponential.

01:08:58.000 You just used the word.

01:08:59.000 It's exponential.

01:08:59.000 It's exponential development.

01:09:01.000 It'll be beyond our imagination.

01:09:02.000 We cannot fathom a reality that will be so far removed from the one that we currently experience.

01:09:09.000 That's right. 0.99

01:09:10.000 From what I understand with that marijuana thing, this is actually the third time this has happened where the US government has said, no, there's nothing good with this shit. 0.98

01:09:18.000 But it's good for us because now we can take it to the courts or whatever, the federal court, and go against everything they say. 0.95

01:09:27.000 So if they say, no, this doesn't help headaches, we can put the proof up like, no, it does.

01:09:32.000 Here's 5,000 scientists.

01:09:33.000 So this is actually a good thing that they did this.

01:09:36.000 It's very obvious that the system is rigged.

01:09:38.000 The only reason why people would be going after marijuana in this day and age, wasting any resources on something that kills nobody, is they're getting paid to do it.

01:09:46.000 It's really simple.

01:09:47.000 You have to follow the money.

01:09:48.000 There's no money.

01:09:49.000 Anytime you pass any kind of law, a cottage industry grows up around it.

01:09:53.000 Oh yeah.

01:09:53.000 That's all it is.

01:09:54.000 There was an article, there was a big debate about ethanol today and there's an ethanol lobby and ethanol is The problem with ethanol, you got to grow a lot of corn and it's not that efficient.

01:10:02.000 It's not that economical.

01:10:03.000 It's proven to be not.

01:10:04.000 We got only 10 million cars on the road that actually are flex fuel compatible, which means basically 5% of the cars on the road right now in the United States.

01:10:14.000 And yet you have a lobby, an ethanol lobby.

01:10:18.000 You have 30 plants.

01:10:19.000 Try getting rid of ethanol.

01:10:20.000 Go ahead.

01:10:20.000 Good luck.

01:10:21.000 The whole lobby thing, man, has always freaked me the fuck out that that's legal and that no one ever says anything about it.

01:10:26.000 It's constitutional under this.

01:10:28.000 The reason you have lobbyists, and you always have had lobbyists, is because in the Constitution you have the right to petition your government.

01:10:35.000 The reason lobbying has become such a force and the reason politicians essentially are beholden to the NRA and these kinds of people is essentially because whenever you create, as the government becomes bigger and has more influence, which is what it's going to do as it grows, regardless of what side, right, left, it's not a right-left argument.

01:10:58.000 If something like this gets bigger, you are going to have industry that is going to find a way to influence that power structure.

01:11:07.000 How do you do it?

01:11:08.000 You hire people who have contacts with the government.

01:11:11.000 Either they work for the administration, whatever it might be.

01:11:13.000 But that's what happens.

01:11:15.000 So now you have a county, like Potomac, In Maryland, which is one of the richest, I think it's probably the third richest county in the world.

01:11:25.000 Do you think they manufacture anything?

01:11:27.000 No.

01:11:27.000 You know what they are?

01:11:28.000 They're all government lobbyists.

01:11:30.000 Isn't that amazing?

01:11:31.000 And when you try to go from Potomac to Washington DC to the capital, you'll be in the car for about two hours and it's about 20 miles away or whatever it is.

01:11:42.000 It's a parking lot.

01:11:43.000 Why?

01:11:44.000 Because they're producing anything?

01:11:46.000 Are they producing things you and I can use?

01:11:48.000 Nah.

01:11:48.000 You know what they're doing?

01:11:49.000 It's a machine.

01:11:51.000 It is a group of people from all different kinds of industries that live there 24-7 and do whatever they can to influence their congressman in their state.

01:12:01.000 That's how it works, baby.

01:12:02.000 And so when you start talking about government, understand, I've said this before, I always say it, regardless of what side of the aisle you're on, Government has two functions, to pass laws and to tax.

01:12:13.000 Do you need laws and taxes?

01:12:15.000 Absolutely.

01:12:16.000 The question is always in political philosophy, how much do you need?

01:12:21.000 And it seems to me that we're headed to a point where government's going to be 42% of GDP. Government is taking over so much.

01:12:28.000 So many people in this country are dependent on a government paycheck.

01:12:31.000 That's not the American way. 0.96

01:12:33.000 And I'll tell you something.

01:12:34.000 It means you're a bureaucrat.

01:12:35.000 Some people are doing good things.

01:12:37.000 They're doing good things.

01:12:38.000 But for the most part...

01:12:39.000 A country grows when it produces things you and I need, whether it's intellectual ideas, physical products, and we export those things.

01:12:50.000 And we need to stay the leader of innovation.

01:12:54.000 Innovation and ideas is what it is.

01:12:56.000 But when you have Potomac being that rich because they basically rely on the U.S. government, there's something fucking very wrong.

01:13:02.000 Very creepy that it just keeps going on and never even gets mentioned.

01:13:06.000 Because it's very hard to stop.

01:13:07.000 To me, it's one of the two great things about politics that have always fascinated me.

01:13:11.000 That's one.

01:13:11.000 And two is cigarettes.

01:13:13.000 The fact that no one ever brings up cigarettes.

01:13:15.000 There's never a president that says, we have to stop something that's killing literally almost a half a million Americans every year.

01:13:21.000 You know what I love about that example you just used?

01:13:23.000 In Health and Human Resources, there's a building in Washington where you can go down one floor and it's Health and Human Resources or the Department of Health.

01:13:34.000 And the Department of Health has a huge campaign to get people to stop smoking, and it's a good, noble program.

01:13:39.000 You go up three flights from there, or whatever it is, but it's in the same building, and you have essentially the Department of Agriculture.

01:13:47.000 You know what the Department of Agriculture does?

01:13:48.000 It pays farmers to produce tobacco because it's called a subsidy.

01:13:53.000 Interesting, isn't it?

01:13:54.000 So you got one floor that's paying farmers to grow tobacco because they have a strong lobby.

01:13:59.000 And then if you go down three floors, you've got the Department of Health, which is trying to get people to stop smoking.

01:14:03.000 You find me one business in the world that behaves that way.

01:14:07.000 But guess what?

01:14:08.000 It's the US government, baby.

01:14:09.000 And that's how we work.

01:14:10.000 And that's where your taxes go.

01:14:12.000 Your taxes go to stopping people from smoking with big, big programs.

01:14:15.000 And they go to getting farmers to grow more tobacco. 1.00

01:14:19.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:14:20.000 That's what it's called. 1.00

01:14:20.000 So it's called fucking madness. 1.00

01:14:23.000 It is madness. 0.99

01:14:23.000 And that's why if you don't educate yourself on how the government works and what the history of expansive government is, you're going to pay a price for it out of your pocketbook and with your freedom. 0.99

01:14:33.000 And doesn't it seem like as the economy corrodes and they start trying to add more and more government jobs, people don't want to resist this because it does provide some sort of a tangible boost in the economy.

01:14:44.000 They've created two million jobs, but they don't tell you that these two million jobs are all census people.

01:14:53.000 Useless jobs, things that we don't need.

01:14:55.000 Exactly.

01:14:57.000 Pay attention when you hear a politician talk.

01:15:00.000 Pay attention to what they're really asking for.

01:15:03.000 It's a very, very interesting thing.

01:15:06.000 All of us would be guilty of this.

01:15:08.000 The nature of human beings, in my opinion, you look at history, is to try to control other people.

01:15:14.000 I try to do it.

01:15:14.000 I try to do it with people I love.

01:15:16.000 I try to help them.

01:15:19.000 I'm trying to control them.

01:15:19.000 I tell them how to eat.

01:15:21.000 It's my nature.

01:15:22.000 I care about people.

01:15:23.000 So what am I going to do?

01:15:24.000 I'm going to try to get in there, and I'm going to try to educate you according to my paradigm.

01:15:28.000 Well, that's just my nature.

01:15:29.000 I'll never be any different.

01:15:31.000 The problem, the founding fathers knew that was part of human nature, and that's why they created...

01:15:36.000 Checks and balances.

01:15:37.000 That's why they created the nation.

01:15:39.000 This nation was founded on the idea that you are self-reliant, that if you're going to create alliances and stuff, they should be voluntary alliances, not government-mandated alliances, etc.

01:15:52.000 And we're headed to a point where people are trying to solve problems, and that means I'm going to pass a government mandate.

01:15:59.000 I'm going to make you do this.

01:16:00.000 Do you know how the tobacco lobby thing works?

01:16:02.000 Do you know how they pay the farmers?

01:16:04.000 The farmers get paid for their tobacco, plus they get paid to grow it.

01:16:07.000 Is that how it goes?

01:16:08.000 They get paid to...

01:16:08.000 Look.

01:16:09.000 Yes.

01:16:10.000 Look.

01:16:10.000 It's just to make sure that there's...

01:16:12.000 But that's like every farm.

01:16:12.000 Let me give you another example.

01:16:13.000 Do you think we need as much corn as we do?

01:16:15.000 You think we need all that corn syrup?

01:16:17.000 In fact, why don't we grow sugar anymore? 0.97

01:16:19.000 Because the corn lobby, I think it's Archer Daniel Midlands, etc., have a very strong lobbying group.

01:16:26.000 So they said, we want to grow corn.

01:16:28.000 We have a lot of people that will be out of work if you don't subsidize our industry.

01:16:34.000 You know how much money we give?

01:16:35.000 We give alpaca farmers Money every year.

01:16:40.000 You ever worn anything with alpaca in it?

01:16:42.000 What's alpaca?

01:16:43.000 Is that an animal?

01:16:44.000 Yeah, it's an animal. 0.98

01:16:45.000 And what happened was during the Korean War, we decided to make uniforms out of alpaca and alpaca blend because they would be warmer because Korea is very fucking cold. 0.98

01:16:55.000 But guess what? 0.95

01:16:56.000 Those farmers, they're still getting paid to grow alpacas.

01:17:01.000 To herd alpacas, and you pay for it.

01:17:05.000 Now, it might be 0.1% out of your paycheck, but that's what goes on with the government.

01:17:10.000 That's what farming subsidies are about.

01:17:15.000 We pay people to produce butter.

01:17:17.000 We have a lot of food.

01:17:18.000 What was that?

01:17:19.000 You just went...

01:17:21.000 No, I said yeah.

01:17:22.000 I'm just saying if you have a farm, you get money.

01:17:24.000 Is it every crop?

01:17:26.000 Do they subsidize every crop the way they subsidize tobacco?

01:17:29.000 I don't know all the details, but Fareed Zakaria wrote a really good book about all this stuff.

01:17:34.000 You should read him.

01:17:35.000 He's smart.

01:17:35.000 What's it called?

01:17:36.000 I believe it's called The History of Freedom.

01:17:38.000 I read some excerpts of it.

01:17:39.000 It was unbelievable.

01:17:40.000 There's no way to stop the lobby system at this point, though, is there?

01:17:43.000 I mean, no one's going to accept.

01:17:46.000 Well, there is.

01:17:46.000 There absolutely is.

01:17:47.000 In fact, I would argue that there's a huge movement to bring government, on both sides of the aisle, to bring government into a manageable, you know, to make it smaller.

01:17:57.000 Yeah, but that's like the Ron Paul dogma, but nobody sort of takes it seriously.

01:18:01.000 Actually, every time you hear a politician now who wants to get re-elected, they all have to justify their spending.

01:18:06.000 And let me tell you something.

01:18:07.000 We are in dire...

01:18:09.000 I mean, a lot of government programs are being cut.

01:18:12.000 The whole Tea Party movement, which is a formidable movement in some ways, and Michelle Bachman and these guys, their platform is basically like, no matter what you say...

01:18:21.000 The government's too big.

01:18:22.000 Now, I have some issues with those guys, but I'm just saying that at the end of the day, they gained that much traction because they said, what the hell's going on here?

01:18:28.000 Michelle Bachman is one of two things.

01:18:30.000 Either she's the bringer of the apocalypse or she's someone hired by the Democrats to completely discredit the Republicans. 0.99

01:18:37.000 Because she's at the helm right now.

01:18:39.000 She's at the front of the movement.

01:18:41.000 I did a little research on her.

01:18:41.000 How about her gay husband?

01:18:43.000 I don't know anything about it. 1.00

01:18:43.000 Gay as fuck. 1.00

01:18:44.000 Really? 1.00

01:18:44.000 Dave Foley turned me on to it. 1.00

01:18:46.000 Oh, you gotta watch the guy talk.

01:18:47.000 It's fantastic.

01:18:48.000 She's been married 35 years ago.

01:18:49.000 We've talked about him on the podcast.

01:18:50.000 He's one of those guys that cures people being gay. 1.00

01:18:52.000 Oh, no. 0.87

01:18:53.000 Oh, yeah.

01:18:53.000 Oh, no.

01:18:54.000 Oh, he's gay as fuck. 1.00

01:18:55.000 Oh, boy. 1.00

01:18:55.000 You just hear him talk and you can't hold the gay back. 1.00

01:18:58.000 See, I have a huge problem with that. 0.98

01:18:59.000 You ever, like, call a customer service somewhere and you know you're talking to a black guy? 1.00

01:19:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:19:02.000 That's how gay he is. 0.99

01:19:04.000 You know? 0.98

01:19:04.000 And I'm not saying that every black guy talks like that, but there are certain black guys that, man, you call the guy up on the phone, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, but you know you're talking to a black guy. 0.98

01:19:12.000 This guy's one of those guys, you hear him talking, you go, that's a gay guy. 0.95

01:19:15.000 There's no doubt about it. 0.99

01:19:17.000 And he talks about barbarians and gay people being barbarians. 0.98

01:19:20.000 Really? 0.99

01:19:20.000 And we need to tell them that this kind of behavior is just not acceptable. 0.99

01:19:23.000 What an asshole. 1.00

01:19:24.000 What an asshole. 1.00

01:19:25.000 Suckin' cock at prayer retreats and just can't wait. 1.00

01:19:29.000 Self-loathing. 1.00

01:19:29.000 He's got self-loathing. 1.00

01:19:30.000 And he's married. 1.00

01:19:31.000 I can't stand hypocrites. 1.00

01:19:32.000 I can't stand people like that. 1.00

01:19:33.000 She wants to get rid of all porn too, which is hilarious, because then the rapes would go through the fucking roof. 1.00

01:19:38.000 It's one thing they've realized and one thing they actually believe could help child pornography, could actually help child molesters not have sex with children. 0.99

01:19:47.000 It's a terrible idea.

01:19:48.000 I'd like to see that test study on that.

01:19:49.000 Scientifically, though, they're proposing that this actually could be a possibility because it's a terrible idea.

01:19:57.000 But you obviously could never do it because those kids in those videos are victims.

01:20:00.000 But regular pornography has been shown to curb rape.

01:20:05.000 Regular pornography in other countries is accepted, in Japan especially, that pornography and even violent things actually keep people from acting out.

01:20:12.000 There have been a lot of psychological studies about the fact that, you know, movies like Saw and stuff, there are less maniacs out there actually doing it because they can simulate, they can see it being done and get off on it.

01:20:24.000 Well, yeah.

01:20:25.000 And I think they believe this about pornography as well.

01:20:27.000 Pornography actually curbs rape. 0.96

01:20:29.000 I hope so.

01:20:29.000 It totally makes sense.

01:20:30.000 I hope it does.

01:20:31.000 Yeah.

01:20:31.000 I mean, look, there's got to be some reason for it.

01:20:33.000 And that doesn't make sense.

01:20:34.000 I mean, there doesn't have to be some reason for it.

01:20:36.000 But I think the way the world moves...

01:20:38.000 You know, you're trying to outlaw pornography.

01:20:40.000 I want to make my own choices. 1.00

01:20:41.000 I'm a fucking adult. 0.99

01:20:43.000 The Nazis were very good at totalitarianism, at controlling the total person too. 1.00

01:20:48.000 That's tyranny.

01:20:50.000 It's a form of tyranny when people start talking that way. 0.99

01:20:52.000 You want to cure gay people? 1.00

01:20:54.000 You want to cure gay people? 1.00

01:20:55.000 Fucking worry about your own kitchen, asshole. 1.00

01:20:58.000 I never had a gay person come in and fuck up my whole... 1.00

01:21:00.000 Are they fucking up my family unit with their presence? 1.00

01:21:05.000 Is that how weak my family unit bond is? 1.00

01:21:08.000 Are they tempting me with their cocks? 1.00

01:21:10.000 Shut up. 1.00

01:21:11.000 Yeah, they are, actually. 1.00

01:21:13.000 Sorry, I just popped out.

01:21:14.000 I'm high.

01:21:15.000 Yeah, dude, I'm with you.

01:21:17.000 I'm with you on the whole rant.

01:21:18.000 There's a bunch of people in this country, though, that don't think that way.

01:21:21.000 That's one of the things about this world, is that, you know, there's people in this life that are at various stages of awakening.

01:21:27.000 And I'm not claiming to be any enlightened being, but there's people that have the benefit of having more free time, more open-minded friends, live in a better geographic environment where people think a little clearer.

01:21:38.000 I'm very open-minded. 0.78

01:21:39.000 There's a lot of people, though, in certain spots of this country alone, and forget about the rest of the world, but certain spots of this country, they were just in some fucked spot. 0.99

01:21:46.000 The spot they're at is just filled with dummies. 0.99

01:21:48.000 I just think... 0.87

01:21:49.000 I also think that there's a lot of social pressure to stay the course.

01:21:53.000 I think it goes back to kind of keeping the breeding instinct.

01:21:56.000 I was thinking about this.

01:21:57.000 I was trying to write...

01:21:57.000 Stay the course, you say, you mean as far as Christian values?

01:22:00.000 Have you ever noticed how if a guy in a working-class neighborhood of Boston walks in...

01:22:05.000 With bangles and earrings and eye shadow.

01:22:08.000 He gets beaten up.

01:22:09.000 Why?

01:22:09.000 Why is that though?

01:22:10.000 Why?

01:22:11.000 I have a theory about it.

01:22:12.000 Because he's a queer. 1.00

01:22:13.000 Yeah, but why? 0.98

01:22:14.000 Or a monkey. 0.98

01:22:14.000 Remember like Dov Davidoff used this thing when he was in Jersey and he'd go to school and his mom would pack pita bread and he'd get the shit kicked out of him because he's eating pita bread. 0.98

01:22:22.000 He's like, hey mom! 0.99

01:22:23.000 Give me white bread, because I know pita's good for me, but it's not good for me when I get my fucking teeth knocked in for being a communist, because I'm eating pita bread, right? 0.99

01:22:29.000 It's hilarious. 0.99

01:22:30.000 But why?

01:22:30.000 And I have a theory on it.

01:22:32.000 Men, if you look at how men develop, men are really good in groups.

01:22:36.000 They delineate authority very quickly.

01:22:38.000 They work well.

01:22:39.000 They're very organized.

01:22:40.000 They like hierarchy.

01:22:41.000 They don't talk a lot.

01:22:43.000 If they have a job to do, they get it done.

01:22:44.000 Think about when you're hunting.

01:22:47.000 It goes back to hunting.

01:22:49.000 When you've got to hunt a deer, you're using hand signals.

01:22:52.000 You're not talking.

01:22:53.000 You'll scare the deer away.

01:22:54.000 So you get into this whole sort of very organized.

01:22:59.000 You become one unit, a machine.

01:23:00.000 Women don't bond that way. 1.00

01:23:02.000 They tend to talk and they bond verbally.

01:23:05.000 Men actually don't.

01:23:06.000 Men bond.

01:23:07.000 If you take boys and you take a ball and throw it in the middle of a bunch of boys who don't know each other, they'll become friends around that ball.

01:23:13.000 Because they start playing a game and they break up into teams and they compete.

01:23:17.000 They have to rely on each other and they get very good and they do it right away.

01:23:20.000 It's how you get boys to be friends.

01:23:21.000 Girls don't make friends that way. 1.00

01:23:24.000 Girls have to make friends over a period of time through experience. 0.99

01:23:27.000 They have to talk shit about some other girl. 0.99

01:23:29.000 That's exactly right. 0.98

01:23:32.000 That's why when you adopt a child, if she's a girl and she's a little older, and you put her in a new school, she has a much harder time making friends than a boy does when he's just around... 0.83

01:23:40.000 Balls. 1.00

01:23:41.000 Yeah, when he's around fucking balls. 1.00

01:23:43.000 Yeah, boys can make friends with boys quicker than probably girls can make friends with girls. 1.00

01:23:47.000 You think that?

01:23:48.000 I wouldn't think that, though, because girls are friendlier. 0.99

01:23:50.000 No, but boys... 1.00

01:23:50.000 Boys try to beat your ass when you move into town. 1.00

01:23:52.000 Yeah, but I think the reason that somebody gets beaten up when they show up with all this decoration is because you can't go hunting with somebody with jewelry on it. 1.00

01:24:00.000 It makes too much fucking noise. 0.99

01:24:01.000 If he's walking along with his bangles like clang-clang, my fucking deer are gone. 1.00

01:24:05.000 If you're shiny and you've got glitter on, why don't guys wear glitter and shiny shit? 0.99

01:24:08.000 Well, what if he's just got a tight shirt and a bow tie and skinny jeans? 0.99

01:24:13.000 You're still going to want to beat him up.

01:24:14.000 And that's pretty sleek for the woods.

01:24:16.000 I think that might also be this.

01:24:17.000 That might also be you're trying to get the girls.

01:24:20.000 You're not working with us. 1.00

01:24:21.000 You're fucking showing off your tits and ass. 1.00

01:24:23.000 And you didn't get permission from us, motherfucker. 1.00

01:24:27.000 You can't walk in like the King Peacock. 1.00

01:24:29.000 Because then guys are going to be like, that guy's a fucking peacock, and I guess he thinks he's a tough guy because he's showing me his muscles, which is an affront to me. 0.99

01:24:37.000 You're preening. 0.99

01:24:38.000 But what if he's really skinny and he's got no muscles?

01:24:41.000 If he can play the guitar, he's fine.

01:24:42.000 If a guy like you wears a tank top, of course it's imposing.

01:24:45.000 Thank you.

01:24:46.000 But if some guys wear tank tops, like a real skinny guy.

01:24:50.000 Chris Rock wears a tank top.

01:24:51.000 You know, it's not scary.

01:24:52.000 Well, I don't think that's the guy that gets beaten up at a bar.

01:24:53.000 I think the guy that wears a tank top and he's all rocked out and he walks in.

01:24:57.000 There are a lot of guys.

01:24:59.000 Like, do that with Mayhem when he's got a couple drinks.

01:25:01.000 I'm sure Mayhem would be like, hey, this guy, I'm going to start grabbing him.

01:25:04.000 He would just hold on to you for 15 seconds until you're out of breath.

01:25:08.000 That's all it would take.

01:25:09.000 Especially for some juice head.

01:25:11.000 You just gotta hang on.

01:25:12.000 It's a ride.

01:25:13.000 You got a 15 second ride.

01:25:14.000 And at the end of that ride, it's...

01:25:16.000 And then he can't push you off.

01:25:19.000 Remember my buddy Bob Williams at Austin? 1.00

01:25:21.000 That strong man who's a fucking maniac? 1.00

01:25:23.000 And he's so fucking strong. 1.00

01:25:25.000 He's so weird strong. 0.99

01:25:26.000 He'd always go up to the guys in Gold's and he'd be like, What's up Needles?

01:25:29.000 How you doing?

01:25:29.000 Guy would be like, excuse me?

01:25:31.000 Ah, needles!

01:25:32.000 Needles!

01:25:33.000 Call him needles. 0.99

01:25:34.000 And he just wanted a little, just a little like, let me just squeeze you until you die. 0.57

01:25:38.000 Well, he was a wrestler, right?

01:25:38.000 Yeah, since he was seven.

01:25:39.000 Yeah.

01:25:40.000 With chimpanzees.

01:25:41.000 I call him the human chimp. 1.00

01:25:42.000 He had one of the best lines ever. 0.99

01:25:44.000 Tell the story about the guy who was fucking with him while he was surfing. 0.98

01:25:46.000 Yeah, it's the best. 0.99

01:25:47.000 He's on a surfboard and his buddy's with him. 0.99

01:25:50.000 And these fucking dudes come up, these local, these Malibu locals with like tattoos on their neck, rough guys. 1.00

01:25:55.000 And they look at Bob and they go, Hey, bro, get the fuck off our wave right now. 1.00

01:26:00.000 And Bob goes, what? 0.99

01:26:01.000 And he does this thing where you have to know him.

01:26:03.000 He's got, like, kind of an eye loose.

01:26:04.000 He's like, huh?

01:26:05.000 And he looks like JFK Jr. He's got, like, the really thick hair in his eyes, like a real good-looking guy.

01:26:10.000 And they go, get the fuck off our wave. 1.00

01:26:13.000 We'll kick your fucking ass. 1.00

01:26:15.000 And so Bob's like, you got to know, he's, like, really loose. 1.00

01:26:17.000 He never gets afraid of anything.

01:26:18.000 He goes like this.

01:26:18.000 He goes, yeah.

01:26:20.000 Hey, how long can you hold your breath?

01:26:23.000 The guy goes, what?

01:26:24.000 He goes, how long can you hold your breath?

01:26:27.000 Because I can hold my breath for over four minutes.

01:26:29.000 So I could jump off this board.

01:26:30.000 I grab you by the hair.

01:26:31.000 I bring you to the bottom. 1.00

01:26:33.000 We take a little nap and you just fucking die. 1.00

01:26:36.000 And then I come for you. 1.00

01:26:38.000 And they were like... 1.00

01:26:40.000 Fuck this. 1.00

01:26:41.000 And he's got these huge hands. 1.00

01:26:44.000 And when he takes his shirt off...

01:26:45.000 You can't really do anything about that either.

01:26:47.000 They couldn't help him.

01:26:48.000 Oh, dude.

01:26:49.000 They would have to pull him off.

01:26:51.000 They would be underwater.

01:26:52.000 They would probably panic.

01:26:53.000 No, you look into his eyes.

01:26:54.000 It's like they had a great white sighting out in Malibu.

01:26:57.000 And he's like, I'm going surfing.

01:26:58.000 They go, dude, they have the great white is out there.

01:27:00.000 They had a seal in its mouth. 1.00

01:27:01.000 He's like, shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:27:03.000 Fuck up. 1.00

01:27:04.000 I'll punch a great white in his fucking face. 1.00

01:27:06.000 He literally, he's like, they won't eat me. 1.00

01:27:08.000 I go, what do you mean they won't eat me?

01:27:09.000 He goes, they smell it on me.

01:27:10.000 They're not going to eat me. 1.00

01:27:10.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:27:11.000 That's what he says. 1.00

01:27:12.000 Well, that's a good way to lose your life.

01:27:14.000 I know. 1.00

01:27:14.000 He's a fucking maniac. 1.00

01:27:15.000 He's just been lucky. 1.00

01:27:15.000 When did they spot a great white in Malibu? 1.00

01:27:17.000 Was that recently?

01:27:17.000 Oh, yeah.

01:27:18.000 There was a great white 200 feet off the shore with a seal in its mouth. 1.00

01:27:21.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:27:24.000 And the fucking shark expert was like, hey guys, they've always been out there. 1.00

01:27:28.000 They're always swimming under you. 1.00

01:27:29.000 That's their breeding ground.

01:27:30.000 They eat seal. 1.00

01:27:31.000 They're there all the fucking time. 0.99

01:27:33.000 So all you guys who think there are no sharks in that water, there are great whites swimming under you all the time. 1.00

01:27:38.000 But you're just not food to them.

01:27:39.000 They'd rather eat a seal.

01:27:40.000 Oh, you're so lucky. 1.00

01:27:42.000 Fucking David Blaine. 0.99

01:27:43.000 David Blaine came to my house and he and I said he wanted to cross the ocean in a bottle. 1.00

01:27:48.000 Oh shit, I hope. 1.00

01:27:49.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:27:50.000 David, sorry if I... I don't think he can do it. 1.00

01:27:54.000 It's magic, man.

01:27:55.000 He's standing on ice forever.

01:27:58.000 Literally, he wanted to do that.

01:28:01.000 But I said, aren't you afraid of sharks?

01:28:04.000 They were talking about how whales, orcas, if you're in a glass boat, sometimes they'll crash through it and they don't know why.

01:28:09.000 And a guy died that way.

01:28:11.000 So he was like, yeah, that's the problem. 1.00

01:28:13.000 And I said, aren't you afraid of fucking sharks like great whites? 0.99

01:28:15.000 And he goes, oh, you didn't see my video. 1.00

01:28:17.000 I go, no.

01:28:17.000 He goes, oh, dude, I'm not afraid of them at all.

01:28:19.000 So I go, what? 0.96

01:28:20.000 On his iPhone, he's got, he's in a, fuck, I don't know if I can say this, though, because it might be part of his. 0.98

01:28:25.000 Too late. 0.99

01:28:25.000 Say it. 0.99

01:28:26.000 Fuck him. 1.00

01:28:27.000 Fuck David Blaine. 1.00

01:28:28.000 I wouldn't do it. 1.00

01:28:30.000 Say it. 0.99

01:28:30.000 No, because I don't want to screw up his special butt. 0.99

01:28:32.000 Listen, you don't want to screw up this Ustream show with 2,000 people watching. 1.00

01:28:36.000 Yeah, yeah, you fuckers. 1.00

01:28:37.000 2,659. 1.00

01:28:40.000 I got to get permission from him.

01:28:41.000 Anyway, the point is he's swimming with great whites.

01:28:45.000 And all I can say, I don't want to ruin anything, but he's basically, without any protection at all, slowing his heart rate down and just in the middle of the ocean with a weight belt on, floating.

01:28:55.000 No oxygen, no nothing.

01:28:56.000 Holding his breath while huge great whites go by him and all he can see is shadows.

01:29:01.000 What?

01:29:02.000 Yeah, that's David Blaine. 1.00

01:29:03.000 He's not afraid of shit. 0.99

01:29:04.000 That's not magical, though. 1.00

01:29:05.000 No, it's not.

01:29:06.000 Not magical.

01:29:07.000 He's a weird guy.

01:29:09.000 Yeah, I've known him since he was seven.

01:29:10.000 I think he's very fascinating in that he's made this living doing these endurance things.

01:29:16.000 You know why?

01:29:17.000 His mother was Jewish, so he was always obsessed with the Holocaust, but also his mother died very, very painfully and slowly of cancer.

01:29:28.000 When I met him, she was going through this terrible time.

01:29:30.000 It was very hard for him.

01:29:32.000 And he always, he became obsessed with suffering and with how to suffer with dignity, how to overcome, in my opinion, I'm speaking for him, but we've talked a little bit about it.

01:29:42.000 But Dave has read so much about the Holocaust and so much about "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl and those kind of guys.

01:29:48.000 He's obsessed with the notion of how one deals with all the suffering in the world.

01:29:54.000 He's got a huge heart that's happening. - So his facet, Fascination has led him into dealing with adverse situations, like really bizarre situations, like standing in that ice cube.

01:30:04.000 Yeah, you know, he broke the world record for holding his breath.

01:30:06.000 That's true.

01:30:07.000 He did a TED lecture on it.

01:30:08.000 He goes, you know, he's trying to figure out a way to do the trick where he holds his breath.

01:30:11.000 And he goes, the craziest thing is if I actually did it. 0.99

01:30:13.000 And he fucking did it. 0.99

01:30:14.000 He held his breath on Oprah for 17 minutes. 1.00

01:30:17.000 What? 1.00

01:30:18.000 17 fucking minutes. 1.00

01:30:19.000 He's got the world record. 1.00

01:30:20.000 What?

01:30:21.000 17 minutes?

01:30:22.000 17 minutes.

01:30:22.000 He really did.

01:30:23.000 I've never even heard of that before.

01:30:24.000 He held his breath for seven.

01:30:24.000 He can slow his heart rate down.

01:30:26.000 He's amazing. 1.00

01:30:26.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:30:27.000 That dude's no joke. 1.00

01:30:28.000 I can't believe you don't know him.

01:30:30.000 He's a very special guy.

01:30:31.000 That's incredible. 0.99

01:30:32.000 I always thought that he edited his magic shit. 0.99

01:30:34.000 I think he's using you with Chris Angel. 0.99

01:30:36.000 Let me tell you something.

01:30:37.000 He's so far from Chris Angel.

01:30:39.000 It's crazy.

01:30:40.000 Yeah, Criss Angel's annoying. 1.00

01:30:41.000 He's a big silly face. 1.00

01:30:43.000 Look, David's been offered more money than you can fucking imagine to do shit, and he just won't do it. 1.00

01:30:48.000 When he did that thing for Target, he was making no money for his magic tricks because he wouldn't let anybody sponsor him. 0.98

01:30:53.000 And so when he did that thing for Target, he said, I'll do this, but you guys have to...

01:30:57.000 I'll do this magic trick if you want to sponsor me, but forget money from me.

01:31:00.000 You guys have to...

01:31:01.000 I want you to do...

01:31:02.000 You have to let really poor children have a total shopping spree in all your stores.

01:31:07.000 Yeah.

01:31:07.000 So he's like a really, he's really somebody who cares a lot.

01:31:11.000 Why do so many people hate him?

01:31:14.000 Because they don't know him.

01:31:15.000 Is that what it is?

01:31:16.000 Because he's a stud.

01:31:18.000 David Blaine?

01:31:18.000 I don't think people hate David Blaine.

01:31:20.000 I think people hate Chris Angel.

01:31:21.000 I hate Chris Angel.

01:31:22.000 People definitely hate Chris Angel as well.

01:31:25.000 Because people don't like to be fooled.

01:31:28.000 No, but there's no fooling them, though, because he's just doing these endurance stunts.

01:31:32.000 He's a weird guy in that he's known as David Blaine the magician, but everything he does is just this weird physical feat.

01:31:39.000 He's like a Houdini-type character.

01:31:42.000 When I knew him when he was 17, he was obsessed with Houdini.

01:31:45.000 He's always been obsessed with it.

01:31:46.000 Yeah, but it's kind of a shame that he's a magician.

01:31:50.000 Because they are like world events when he does something nutty.

01:31:54.000 I mean, it really is.

01:31:55.000 Like it or not, they are world events. 0.98

01:31:58.000 What did he do in London where he lived on a platform or some shit? 0.99

01:32:01.000 What the fuck did he do? 1.00

01:32:01.000 Yeah, in a box suspended in a bridge. 1.00

01:32:04.000 But he's always been obsessed with this notion that how can I deal with...

01:32:08.000 If you put me... 0.89

01:32:09.000 You shave my head and throw me in a... 0.99

01:32:10.000 In a corner with a bowl of gruel in a concentration camp. 0.99

01:32:13.000 Can I suffer with dignity?

01:32:15.000 Would I be the best sufferer?

01:32:16.000 How would I deal with that?

01:32:18.000 What did he do to go to the bathroom when he was up in that box?

01:32:22.000 I don't know.

01:32:23.000 Well, first of all, he was drinking and eating very little, but I think he had a thing that he would go to the bathroom in, I guess.

01:32:29.000 Like a bucket?

01:32:30.000 Yeah.

01:32:30.000 You have to do it when everybody's asleep?

01:32:32.000 Yeah, I guess.

01:32:33.000 You're only allowed to pee at night.

01:32:34.000 I guess so, huh?

01:32:35.000 But although it was a clear plastic box and he was just sitting there.

01:32:38.000 There should be some YouTube video of him pooping then, right?

01:32:41.000 If I remember, I think they did.

01:32:43.000 I think they put like a towel around it when he had to go to the bathroom.

01:32:47.000 Oh, right, right.

01:32:48.000 If I remember, that's how they did it.

01:32:49.000 How long was he in that box for?

01:32:51.000 I don't know, like 18 days.

01:32:53.000 Have you ever been to the Magic Castle?

01:32:54.000 Never.

01:32:55.000 I've got a friend who I do jiu-jitsu with, too.

01:32:57.000 He's a magician.

01:32:58.000 Really?

01:32:58.000 Yeah, he's always inviting me, but you've got to wear a jacket.

01:33:01.000 You do?

01:33:02.000 I know.

01:33:02.000 I heard it's cool.

01:33:04.000 I'm wearing a jacket. 1.00

01:33:05.000 Get out of here with your stupid fucking outfit I have to wear. 1.00

01:33:08.000 You seem so dorky. 1.00

01:33:09.000 Why can't I just wear a nice shirt? 0.97

01:33:11.000 I have to wear a jacket, really?

01:33:12.000 I like what you wear for the UFC. You always just kind of put on a black shirt.

01:33:16.000 Well, Affliction pays me to wear their shirts, so I wear a black Affliction shirt every time.

01:33:21.000 This is Jiu Jitsu, my friend.

01:33:23.000 This is Elio Grace.

01:33:25.000 Elio Grace.

01:33:26.000 This is the godfather.

01:33:27.000 You don't know, brother.

01:33:29.000 Brian needs some Jiu Jitsu in your life, doesn't he?

01:33:31.000 I really do.

01:33:32.000 There's a man who's screaming out for Jiu Jitsu.

01:33:33.000 This Brian.

01:33:34.000 You gotta do a little rolling.

01:33:35.000 You gotta actually kind of build for it.

01:33:36.000 You got some shoulders, aren't you?

01:33:39.000 He doesn't want to do it.

01:33:40.000 It's not that guy.

01:33:41.000 You're that guy, though, aren't you?

01:33:43.000 Yes.

01:33:44.000 I miss wrestling.

01:33:45.000 Why don't you go back in?

01:33:45.000 I'm going to.

01:33:46.000 You had a bad concussion, right?

01:33:47.000 Tell that story.

01:33:48.000 That's a pretty crazy story.

01:33:49.000 I just had this war with this kid, Pascal, and Boom Boom Mancini was watching me, and I wasn't going to give up.

01:33:54.000 And we wrestled at Street Sports, Renato Magno School, which is a great school.

01:33:58.000 He's a great guy.

01:33:59.000 We rolled and rolled and rolled.

01:34:00.000 It was probably 40 minutes and nobody won.

01:34:03.000 It was like to a draw.

01:34:03.000 The next day, I felt like my hands, I felt like I was holding a hot snowball in my hands and I couldn't see very well.

01:34:12.000 My perception was all messed up.

01:34:15.000 And I went to the doctor and I did a CAT scan and the guy said, you just got a concussion.

01:34:21.000 But for about six months after that, I would have these weird sensations in my hands.

01:34:26.000 Because I neurologically did something because I'd hit my head.

01:34:28.000 It was such a fight.

01:34:30.000 You don't want to lose and you go a little too crazy.

01:34:34.000 Concussions are scary things, man. 1.00

01:34:35.000 People take that shit real lightly. 0.99

01:34:38.000 I have friends, like I got a friend who got hit in the head by a golf ball. 1.00

01:34:41.000 He said he was not the same person for six months.

01:34:42.000 No.

01:34:43.000 In college, I got kicked by four guys on the ground.

01:34:48.000 And I remember just being truly cloudy for five days.

01:34:52.000 It was just so cloudy.

01:34:54.000 I just got my head kicked in.

01:34:56.000 If you ever had that done to you, man, it's really weird because it's exactly what your sock feels like in a dryer.

01:35:02.000 I couldn't do anything.

01:35:03.000 You know about Bill Romanowski, the football player?

01:35:06.000 You know that he had over 20 concussions and he created a bunch of brain supplements.

01:35:13.000 He's got this stuff called Neuro One.

01:35:14.000 I've taken it before. 1.00

01:35:16.000 It's pretty fucking strong shit. 1.00

01:35:17.000 It's really good for concentration and shit like that. 1.00

01:35:19.000 It's basically caffeine and a bunch of different brain stimulants. 0.99

01:35:24.000 Omanowski was a monster, man. 0.92

01:35:26.000 He's tried very hard to try to balance out all the impacts that he's had. 0.80

01:35:32.000 Very tough, though, that kind of trauma.

01:35:33.000 20 concussions, man.

01:35:34.000 Because it creates pugilistic dementia.

01:35:37.000 Those guys, their brains shrink.

01:35:40.000 Yeah, it's amazing they're just realizing this over the last few decades, too.

01:35:44.000 Everybody knew that football players got beat up and nobody ever kind of...

01:35:47.000 Football is so beyond rough.

01:35:50.000 The injury rate is 100%.

01:35:51.000 It's not 95. It's 100%.

01:35:53.000 You play with pain in the NFL. That's why people talk about, oh, this guy's really tough.

01:35:56.000 They're great athletes.

01:35:57.000 Play football. 1.00

01:35:58.000 Go run a fucking football back in the NFL. Good luck. 1.00

01:36:02.000 Yeah, those are the super athletes, man.

01:36:04.000 Those are the elite of the elite.

01:36:05.000 Freaks! 0.89

01:36:06.000 What's really crazy is that I've read that something, some ridiculous number, like after two years of retirement, 80% of NFL players file for bankruptcy and 60% of NBA players. 0.89

01:36:18.000 We talked about that last time. 0.98

01:36:19.000 How fucking incredible is that? 0.95

01:36:20.000 Within five years of leaving the NFL, 60% of football players file for bankruptcy. 0.98

01:36:27.000 Because nobody's there to tell them, hey dude, football's different, don't spend your money.

01:36:31.000 Nobody's ever told them that and the fact that they've been compromised by all these impacts.

01:36:35.000 It's got to make them more impulsive, affect their judgment, affect how they behave.

01:36:39.000 I think you're already dealing with a high testosterone, fun-loving, kind of rough, forward-tilted group.

01:36:44.000 Oh, yeah.

01:36:45.000 These guys are the wolves. 0.60

01:36:46.000 They're the alpha dogs. 1.00

01:36:47.000 They come in and everybody else is a fucking hen with those guys. 1.00

01:36:51.000 You ever see a team of real football players? 1.00

01:36:54.000 They're savages.

01:36:55.000 It's like being when I was in Afghanistan and I caught a group of guys who walked by me with beards and long hair and I was like, who are those guys?

01:37:04.000 Oh, the really muscular guys?

01:37:05.000 The guys who are not saying anything with no badges?

01:37:08.000 That's the dark side.

01:37:10.000 That's who that is.

01:37:11.000 I was like, oh, those are the real elites. 0.97

01:37:13.000 That's why I smell gunmetal and death on them.

01:37:16.000 Are they like mercenaries?

01:37:18.000 No, just Delta guys.

01:37:19.000 Oh, right.

01:37:20.000 Those real elite, like SEAL Team 6, you know, whoever they were, they weren't talking to me.

01:37:26.000 Yeah, what a strange way to go and live your life, to commit to being one of the most disciplined, hardened, well-trained, fighting, killing machines in the world.

01:37:36.000 My buddy hangs with those guys in Afghanistan, and he works with them, and I said, what delineates a Delta Force guy from a SEAL team or a regular guy?

01:37:45.000 And he said, their exact...

01:37:48.000 And I was like, what do you mean?

01:37:49.000 He goes, they're just exact.

01:37:50.000 They're amazing shots.

01:37:51.000 They're good at everything.

01:37:52.000 But they're just really good at everything.

01:37:54.000 Exactly well-rounded.

01:37:56.000 Well, there's a place for everybody in this world.

01:37:58.000 And there's a place for someone to be a guy who makes pottery.

01:38:00.000 And there's a place for Picasso. 1.00

01:38:02.000 And there's a place for fucking killers, man. 1.00

01:38:04.000 That's right. 1.00

01:38:05.000 I mean, as long as we're allowing war, as war seems to be legal, the president seemed to, I believe, celebrate that we had just murdered a bad guy.

01:38:15.000 That's right.

01:38:15.000 I mean, that's what the whole Osama Bin Laden thing is.

01:38:17.000 I love that they came in, the guy shot him above the eye, and then took a picture and sent it back to their computer, the facial recognition program.

01:38:26.000 Ready?

01:38:26.000 Your girl's coming at me.

01:38:27.000 In the leg.

01:38:28.000 Get out of the way. 0.53

01:38:29.000 Like that. 0.96

01:38:29.000 In the head. 0.96

01:38:30.000 In case you got a suicide belt. 1.00

01:38:31.000 Oh, hold on.

01:38:31.000 Let me take out my Polaroid.

01:38:33.000 And now let me just fax it.

01:38:34.000 Let me scan this and send it back to the White House.

01:38:36.000 Here you go, guys.

01:38:38.000 Let's take this picture.

01:38:39.000 Let's run it through the facial recognition there.

01:38:41.000 Yeah, it's him.

01:38:41.000 It's him.

01:38:42.000 Do you 100% believe this story, though?

01:38:44.000 Yes, I do.

01:38:44.000 You know why?

01:38:45.000 There were 70 people involved.

01:38:46.000 I have to pee.

01:38:47.000 70?

01:38:47.000 Yeah, 70 Commandos and a dog.

01:38:50.000 So good luck trying to cover that up.

01:38:52.000 In the meantime, I'll talk about Jessica Lynch where they tried to pretend there was a gun shootout and she was actually just in the hospital.

01:38:57.000 Go make your pee-pee, bro.

01:38:59.000 We're going to talk about Pat Tillman, too.

01:39:02.000 No conspiracies.

01:39:04.000 Brian's not buying them.

01:39:05.000 Brian is my most Fox News-like friend.

01:39:09.000 Did you see the new footage of, I think it was World Trade Center footage?

01:39:13.000 Oh yeah, I did see from the one reporter's perspective.

01:39:16.000 Yeah, that shows a completely different... 1.00

01:39:18.000 I mean, that shit looked like it was just sitting there fucking melting. 1.00

01:39:22.000 What, the building? 1.00

01:39:23.000 The building, the noises it was making.

01:39:26.000 Yeah, totally, totally.

01:39:28.000 It did. 0.80

01:39:28.000 Look, I've always said that that Tower 7 looks ridiculous. 0.80

01:39:30.000 It looks like a controlled demolition, but what the fuck do I know? 0.98

01:39:34.000 I'm not an engineer. 0.97

01:39:34.000 It might have looked like controlled demolition just because of the very bizarre way in which it was injured, that it was injured on the bottom floors, and that's what gave in first, and everything pancaked down. 0.97

01:39:43.000 It's very possible. 0.98

01:39:43.000 What the fuck do I know? 0.98

01:39:44.000 But it does look like a controlled demolition. 0.99

01:39:46.000 But that video, what I thought was most fascinating was all the buildings or the cars outside that had been blown up and on fire.

01:39:54.000 I didn't realize that that had happened.

01:39:56.000 I kind of thought that, of course, everything fell and collapsed, but I thought there was probably just this massive pile of debris.

01:40:03.000 I didn't realize that all these cars had been lit on fire.

01:40:07.000 Jet fuel and everything just kind of fell down into the streets.

01:40:10.000 Is that what it was?

01:40:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:40:11.000 When the airplane hit, it just fucking... 0.98

01:40:14.000 Oh, when Brian comes back, he's got a crazy fucking story of his buddy that was an actual Wall Street guy. 0.99

01:40:22.000 He was a stockbroker. 0.97

01:40:24.000 And he was there while it all happened.

01:40:27.000 And he heard sounds that sounded like car accidents.

01:40:31.000 Just BAM! BAM! And then he realized, tell the story about your friend who had heard those sounds.

01:40:37.000 He was at September 11th, heard those sounds that sounded like car accidents, and then realized what they were.

01:40:42.000 Yeah, well, that's what...

01:40:43.000 There was this...

01:40:45.000 In fact, there's a documentary that captured it, by the way.

01:40:47.000 But yeah, he just started hearing like these...

01:40:51.000 Like two cars ramming into each other 40 miles an hour, 50 miles an hour.

01:40:55.000 And it turned out it was the bodies hitting the pavement, hitting the ground.

01:41:00.000 How many people do you think jumped?

01:41:03.000 They probably have that figure, but a lot.

01:41:05.000 Because what happened was it got so hot, and rather than burn, you jumped.

01:41:10.000 And some people held hands.

01:41:12.000 Some people formed rings.

01:41:13.000 Yeah, I saw that.

01:41:13.000 I saw that.

01:41:14.000 Holy shit, what a way to go, huh? 1.00

01:41:16.000 It's a way to go, man. 0.99

01:41:17.000 It's quick.

01:41:19.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:41:20.000 You fall for a long time. 0.99

01:41:21.000 God damn, that has to be horrifying. 0.99

01:41:23.000 Yeah, I'm afraid of heights, so I parachute once and it sucked. 1.00

01:41:27.000 Saying you're afraid of heights, that is beyond afraid of heights.

01:41:32.000 Well, you know, it's like, you know, Jimmy Burke knows a certain somebody who was terrified of flying.

01:41:39.000 She was seeing a therapist for it.

01:41:41.000 And she finally worked up the courage to get on a plane and fly.

01:41:46.000 And the plane broke in half in the middle of the air.

01:41:49.000 It broke in half on takeoff.

01:41:51.000 So she fell backwards.

01:41:53.000 In a half a plane.

01:41:55.000 And you're probably alive for a little while when your plane breaks in half.

01:41:59.000 That's not fun.

01:42:01.000 Wow.

01:42:03.000 What if the secret is real and she manifested that, man?

01:42:06.000 Hello.

01:42:08.000 Or maybe she was a psychic and she predicted her own demise. 0.50

01:42:11.000 Perhaps.

01:42:11.000 Maybe she knew her timeline was troubled.

01:42:13.000 But it raises a question.

01:42:14.000 What's the way you'd want to die? 0.99

01:42:18.000 I'd want to die with a mask on and an orgy. 0.98

01:42:24.000 I'm glad you brought that up because it reminds me of a story I experienced. 0.97

01:42:29.000 It's a story that Brian was telling me yesterday that was so good.

01:42:32.000 I said, stop talking.

01:42:33.000 Stop talking and tell me this tomorrow.

01:42:35.000 You can't tell the names involved.

01:42:38.000 I can't tell the names.

01:42:39.000 There was a celebrity involved.

01:42:40.000 A very significant celebrity.

01:42:42.000 When we were growing up, this celebrity was a big star.

01:42:47.000 And I'll tell you, it's funny.

01:42:48.000 Can you say whether or not they were a part of a...

01:42:49.000 No, we cannot.

01:42:50.000 We cannot say anything else.

01:42:51.000 Kelly Savalas?

01:42:52.000 No, no, no.

01:42:55.000 A handsome young man.

01:42:56.000 Can you say whether he was a music star, a movie star?

01:42:59.000 I'm not allowed to say anything, but he was a celebrity.

01:43:01.000 He was a celebrity.

01:43:02.000 Let's just put it that way.

01:43:03.000 And the reason I don't want to say anything is because it was a private thing.

01:43:07.000 I mean, I admire the guy, actually, for doing what he did.

01:43:10.000 Okay, so tell us what happened.

01:43:12.000 Well, you know, in life...

01:43:13.000 This is many, many moons ago.

01:43:15.000 This is many moons ago.

01:43:16.000 Many, many moons ago.

01:43:17.000 At least, I think, six years ago or something.

01:43:19.000 And I was single.

01:43:22.000 And I... There are things certain guys want to do.

01:43:25.000 You know, you want to...

01:43:26.000 Like, I always say this.

01:43:27.000 You want to stop a crime. 0.99

01:43:28.000 You want to kill somebody with a sword. 1.00

01:43:30.000 You want to fucking, you know... 1.00

01:43:32.000 And then you want to bang six girls at the same time. 1.00

01:43:36.000 I mean, that's one of my goals.

01:43:37.000 Six girls.

01:43:38.000 Well, I'm driving. 1.00

01:43:39.000 How much penis do you have? 1.00

01:43:41.000 I do well, and I'll show you after the story. 1.00

01:43:43.000 But I'm driving to Venice.

01:43:47.000 I get a call from a girl I used to bang, who was a freak. 0.99

01:43:52.000 Wonderful.

01:43:53.000 I mean, a real Vegas pro.

01:43:55.000 So she gives me a call, and she goes, What are you doing?

01:43:59.000 And I go, I'm driving to Venice.

01:44:02.000 She goes... 0.99

01:44:03.000 Get your ass up to this hotel. 0.99

01:44:05.000 And it was, let's just call it the Sheraton. 1.00

01:44:07.000 She goes, get your ass to the Sheraton right now. 1.00

01:44:09.000 We got six girls and only two cocks. 1.00

01:44:13.000 We need you now.

01:44:14.000 So I'm like, nah, I got an audition for Sidney Pollack the next day. 1.00

01:44:21.000 Fuck Sidney. 1.00

01:44:21.000 Which I did, right. 1.00

01:44:23.000 Is that Jackson Pollack's brother?

01:44:24.000 Yes, it is.

01:44:25.000 Yes, the painter.

01:44:26.000 And I go, I gotta go. 1.00

01:44:28.000 I gotta go to fuck. 1.00

01:44:28.000 I can't do this. 1.00

01:44:29.000 I can't.

01:44:30.000 I'm going on my way to...

01:44:32.000 Now, the only thing you can do in that situation is just faint.

01:44:35.000 Otherwise, just faint.

01:44:36.000 Faint or die there or pull over and sleep and wake up in the morning.

01:44:40.000 Because any other movement is going to bring you toward six hot girls. 1.00

01:44:45.000 Because I knew the kind of girls she hung out with. 1.00

01:44:47.000 Now I'm going, you mean there's a fucking... 0.99

01:44:49.000 There's a fucking sweet in the shirt? 0.99

01:44:51.000 Before you tell the story, before you even go any further... 0.99

01:44:54.000 You decided to tell this story recently at the UCB. I told the story at the UCB podcast and it was interesting because they're all a very nice group and very funny and talented group of people, but they probably not live the kind of sexual deviancy that I have gone through.

01:45:14.000 And so I just feel that.

01:45:16.000 They just seem like wholesome, good people, you know, that don't have just this deep, dark matter living inside their eyes. 0.99

01:45:22.000 And so I got up and told this story that I'm about to tell you guys about, essentially, my experience in a fucking orgy. 0.98

01:45:31.000 What made you want to tell this? 0.98

01:45:33.000 I just was like, I fucking want to tell the truth about who I really am.

01:45:37.000 I just felt like going up and going, hey, these are really cute stories, you guys. 0.99

01:45:41.000 Now let me tell you what a fucking deviant I really am. 0.89

01:45:45.000 But you didn't think they were cute stories? 0.99

01:45:48.000 I mean, I didn't really listen.

01:45:51.000 I didn't listen that hard, but I know the people involved are funny. 0.97

01:45:54.000 I mean, a lot of them, like Moishe, the stand-up comic Moishe is funny as shit. 0.98

01:45:58.000 He's funny. 0.97

01:45:59.000 He's got a great sense of humor.

01:46:00.000 And the other guys, I haven't seen a lot of their work, but it usually puts out some pretty badass comics. 0.99

01:46:04.000 I mean, it's funny, funny fucking people. 0.91

01:46:05.000 Like Amy Poehler came out of there and, you know, great people. 0.99

01:46:07.000 And so they're telling their stories and for whatever reason you decide to take it down pervert lane and tell a story that you never even told me. 0.98

01:46:13.000 I've never told anybody because, you know, I mean, it's just like, I was like, I want to tell something that's a little outrageous because I don't want any secrets in my fucking life. 0.99

01:46:21.000 I just want to be fucking out there and I don't give a fuck. 0.98

01:46:25.000 I don't care what, really care what other people think. 0.99

01:46:28.000 I care what my friends think, you know, and my friends all know exactly who the fuck I am. 0.98

01:46:32.000 All my friends know who I am. 0.98

01:46:33.000 There's so much freedom in that.

01:46:34.000 But there's always freedom in that.

01:46:35.000 I can't, I'm not good at keeping a facade up.

01:46:38.000 So I tell this story.

01:46:40.000 So I'm driving and I go, I hang on my first 10 balls, I can't do it, I can't do it.

01:46:44.000 Now I had listened, there was this thing where, you might have told me, Joe, but we were talking about a woman who was dying of cancer.

01:46:50.000 And they said, if you could do it all over again, what would you do?

01:46:52.000 And she said, I wouldn't do anything because it made sense.

01:46:55.000 And I was thinking about that when I got this phone call. 0.58

01:46:58.000 I was thinking, you know, I want to, I want to do, you know, you got to live your life sometimes and you got to have experiences and you got to fucking do something that kind of shocks and astonishes yourself. 0.99

01:47:07.000 And by the way, you don't know a guy out there who wouldn't want to fuck six girls at the same time. 0.99

01:47:13.000 So I hear that, but I'm driving and I, my first impulse, nah, I got to go get it. 0.99

01:47:17.000 I got to study my audition.

01:47:18.000 I got an audition tomorrow. 0.99

01:47:20.000 But now I'm thinking, holy fuck, these girls are You know what I'll do? 1.00

01:47:23.000 I'm going to drive. 1.00

01:47:23.000 If I see a 7-Eleven, I'll stop and get condoms. 1.00

01:47:25.000 It doesn't mean I'm going there.

01:47:27.000 I'm not turning the crime on, but I'm going to stop.

01:47:29.000 And maybe if I get another call, I'll get some...

01:47:31.000 Oh, look, a 7-Eleven.

01:47:33.000 I'm going to pull off, but I'm definitely not going in this shirt.

01:47:35.000 And there's no way.

01:47:36.000 I pull off and I go, oh, you guys don't have any condoms?

01:47:39.000 Buy condoms.

01:47:39.000 Phone rings again.

01:47:40.000 Where the fuck are you? 1.00

01:47:42.000 So while this is going on, you're basically like a junkie that someone's saying, come on, let's do some blokes. 1.00

01:47:46.000 I'm not basically like a junkie.

01:47:48.000 I am a junkie.

01:47:49.000 Alright?

01:47:50.000 There's no difference.

01:47:50.000 It is, but that feeling when you're about to do something really deviant, it's a junkie feeling.

01:47:54.000 My heart's beating fast, and I can't get it out of my mind.

01:47:58.000 I keep going back to it.

01:48:00.000 I keep trying to put it out of my mind, and I'm losing, man.

01:48:03.000 I'm losing the battle!

01:48:05.000 I'm getting pulled under.

01:48:06.000 They're adding more and more weight, and I'm trying to keep up.

01:48:08.000 I'm like, I can't go underwater.

01:48:10.000 I keep doing this.

01:48:11.000 I'm treading water, but they're just adding weights to my legs with the imagery.

01:48:15.000 I'm thinking about these girls. 1.00

01:48:16.000 Long story short, I go, fuck it. 1.00

01:48:18.000 I find myself at the Sheraton. 1.00

01:48:20.000 I go up to the suite.

01:48:22.000 I get met at the door by my girl.

01:48:24.000 She's wearing a mask.

01:48:25.000 She gives me a porcelain doll mask to put on.

01:48:30.000 So I go, oh.

01:48:31.000 And then she gives me a strip of paper with the rules of the game, which is that this is a birthday girl. 0.99

01:48:38.000 And I am fucking... 0.98

01:48:41.000 The only rule is I can't hit or spit. 0.99

01:48:43.000 I'm like, okay.

01:48:45.000 I wasn't planning on hitting and spitting these girls. 1.00

01:48:47.000 I'm going to fuck them. 1.00

01:48:48.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1.00

01:48:50.000 Is this stuff written down?

01:48:51.000 Uh-huh.

01:48:51.000 Is it not printed?

01:48:52.000 Is it written?

01:48:53.000 It's typed on a very neat strip of paper.

01:48:56.000 Wow.

01:48:56.000 So this is well organized.

01:48:57.000 So everyone has a sheet? 0.99

01:48:59.000 I walk in, I walk in, and I go, and I see fucking four of the hottest girls I've ever seen. 1.00

01:49:06.000 One girl's getting banged on the bed by some muscular dude, and then there's a dude who's kind of just standing off the side, not doing anything, with like a shaved chest, and I'm like, I don't like that guy. 0.98

01:49:15.000 He's weird. 0.99

01:49:16.000 He fucking looks all blue. 1.00

01:49:17.000 He's just been lifting a lot of weights and never did a sport in his life. 0.99

01:49:20.000 I'm like, whatever, shaved chest, orange.

01:49:21.000 It was orange.

01:49:22.000 Orange with a shaved chest.

01:49:23.000 And some weird mask.

01:49:25.000 Then I look at myself.

01:49:26.000 Everyone's naked?

01:49:27.000 Yeah, and guess what?

01:49:28.000 She goes, you've got to take your clothes off right now.

01:49:30.000 No clothes.

01:49:31.000 So she starts peeling my pants off. 1.00

01:49:33.000 She gets on her knees and starts to work me. 1.00

01:49:34.000 And as I'm getting worked by my old girlfriend, I got this porcelain doll mask on. 0.99

01:49:39.000 I look in the mirror and I look at my fucking doll mask and I go, this is the first thought, literally. 1.00

01:49:43.000 Not that my dick is getting sucked. 1.00

01:49:45.000 I go, That's weird. 1.00

01:49:46.000 My fucking doll mask is as white as my legs. 1.00

01:49:49.000 I gotta start tanning. 1.00

01:49:50.000 That's gross. 0.99

01:49:51.000 I'm like, I'm fucking gross. 1.00

01:49:53.000 And this one girl goes, yeah, you with the white skin and that doll mask and a hard-on, that's not creepy. 0.99

01:49:59.000 I'm like, oh, yeah, whatever.

01:50:01.000 So this really hot girl, who turns out to be the birthday girl, who happens to be the celebrity's wife, She gets down on her knees, and I get pushed over to her. 1.00

01:50:14.000 And now I'm getting worked by her. 0.98

01:50:16.000 But the thing is, she's really fucking good at it. 0.98

01:50:20.000 And I go, I'm going to go. 0.99

01:50:23.000 I'm not a porn star. 1.00

01:50:24.000 When a girl is hot as mowing me with a mask on, and I'm totally anonymous with a mask on my face, I'm fucking going to come. 0.99

01:50:31.000 Plus, I've got to come because I've got an audition tomorrow, so I want to get in and out. 0.98

01:50:34.000 So I'm like, oh, and I go, I'm going to fucking keep doing it, I'm going to come.

01:50:37.000 And the guy goes, and I hear, you're going to come?

01:50:40.000 And I look over, and it's a guy, I'm like, I think I recognize that guy.

01:50:43.000 I know him from somewhere, but whatever.

01:50:44.000 He goes, hold on!

01:50:46.000 And a video camera comes out, and it's right on the girl.

01:50:49.000 And I'm like, oh, really?

01:50:51.000 All right, I guess this is what it's like to do porn.

01:50:53.000 My knees lock up, and which, by the way, I never lock up. 0.98

01:50:57.000 In her mouth, her face, where?

01:50:59.000 In her mouth, my friend.

01:51:00.000 Yeah.

01:51:01.000 And the husband is filming this.

01:51:02.000 He films that. 1.00

01:51:06.000 And then I hope I don't ever have to do a Disney show because I'm fucked. 1.00

01:51:10.000 I'm fucked. 1.00

01:51:11.000 This is all fiction. 1.00

01:51:12.000 This is all fiction.

01:51:13.000 But this is part of my fictional story that I'm doing.

01:51:17.000 Okay.

01:51:18.000 So it's an onstage, one-man show?

01:51:20.000 Yes.

01:51:21.000 Okay.

01:51:22.000 So now I... By the way, this actually happened to a friend and I'm speaking and I'm telling the story of this one.

01:51:30.000 We've got enough disclaimers.

01:51:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:51:31.000 We've got like three of them now.

01:51:33.000 Yeah, this happened to my friend.

01:51:34.000 Yeah, okay. 0.99

01:51:34.000 And so now I go, oh shit, I just lost it good. 0.99

01:51:39.000 I can get the fuck out of here because this is a freak show and I don't belong here. 1.00

01:51:42.000 And I got an orange guy in the corner with half a heart on and another dude banging a girl in the bed. 1.00

01:51:47.000 And I got to get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:51:49.000 But you know what? 0.82

01:51:49.000 I had an experience. 0.82

01:51:50.000 I'm going to go.

01:51:51.000 And I can go make my Sidney Pollack audition.

01:51:54.000 So I'm putting on my pants and I'm about to leave.

01:51:56.000 I'm sneaking out.

01:51:57.000 And all of a sudden this... 1.00

01:51:59.000 10 with a mask comes up and she goes, you're not gonna fuck me? 1.00

01:52:03.000 And I go, uh, oh, I mean, I was gonna go, I have an idea. 0.99

01:52:10.000 I almost said audition, but I didn't even want her to know I was an actor. 0.99

01:52:13.000 She goes, you're not gonna fuck me? 0.99

01:52:14.000 And she turns around and I go, I mean, I don't want to be rude. 1.00

01:52:18.000 Maybe I should fuck you. 1.00

01:52:19.000 So next thing I know, my pants are coming off. 1.00

01:52:21.000 And, you know, that's it now.

01:52:22.000 Now I'm in the belly of the beast. 0.99

01:52:24.000 And I'm just seeing fucking red. 0.99

01:52:26.000 And I'm just going fucking crazy. 0.99

01:52:30.000 They're like, this guy's outrageous. 0.99

01:52:31.000 I was appalling.

01:52:32.000 I was appalling, man.

01:52:34.000 Noises, grunts? 0.99

01:52:35.000 At this point, I'm like, I'm fucking going. 0.98

01:52:37.000 Now, you know what? 0.98

01:52:38.000 Are the other people grunting or is everyone kind of being silent?

01:52:40.000 They were kind of done, bro.

01:52:41.000 They were kind of done.

01:52:41.000 Oh, no.

01:52:43.000 Everybody's gone and you're going in for second?

01:52:44.000 I'm going in for seconds.

01:52:45.000 And everybody else quit?

01:52:46.000 They kind of quit and the girls are just there.

01:52:48.000 They're not athletic, bro.

01:52:48.000 They're not athletic like you.

01:52:49.000 And not to be a dick, but my dick was a little bigger than me. 1.00

01:52:52.000 These guys weren't doing so well. 1.00

01:52:54.000 So I'm just fucking going crazy. 1.00

01:52:56.000 I'm like, look at this shit. 1.00

01:52:58.000 Really? 1.00

01:52:58.000 Oh yeah, I'll switch off. 1.00

01:53:00.000 Why not?

01:53:00.000 Hey, free country, whatever.

01:53:02.000 Fuck you, America. 1.00

01:53:04.000 And I'm going nuts. 1.00

01:53:05.000 And now I fucking get to a point where I'm now, the girl who's the birthday girl goes, I want some of this. 0.96

01:53:14.000 And she says, don't use him up to the girl that I'm going crazy on. 0.96

01:53:18.000 She pushes me down on the bed and she gets on top of me. 1.00

01:53:23.000 So as I'm being taken care of by this beautiful girl, now I'm being worked on my back and trying my hardest not to lose it because she's so beautiful.

01:53:34.000 And so all of a sudden, at this point, the celebrity, I now recognize because he's drunk and the mask is crooked on his face.

01:53:43.000 So it's like, I'm like, I see your face.

01:53:45.000 All right, well, there you are.

01:53:47.000 How you doing?

01:53:47.000 And he goes, I want to get, I want to get, let me get, let me get you.

01:53:50.000 He wants to sandwich her.

01:53:51.000 He wants to go an inch south. 1.00

01:53:53.000 So while she's on top of you, he wants to stick it in her ass? 1.00

01:53:56.000 Yes. 1.00

01:53:57.000 So she turns to him.

01:53:59.000 Your ball's gonna touch.

01:54:00.000 There's no way around that.

01:54:01.000 Game over!

01:54:02.000 The whole thing's a disaster, right?

01:54:03.000 So she looks back and she says to him, she goes...

01:54:06.000 Something like, you know, she does this like silent kind of like language like, no, I don't want to do that right now.

01:54:12.000 He's like, come on.

01:54:14.000 And there's a debate going on.

01:54:15.000 So finally she's like, she hits back to me.

01:54:18.000 And we, by the way, we're connected.

01:54:20.000 We're connected.

01:54:21.000 We're making love at this point, okay? 1.00

01:54:23.000 Yeah, your dick's in her vagina and his dick's in her butthole. 1.00

01:54:26.000 Well, he tries, but he can't get it. 1.00

01:54:30.000 How many times did his dick touch yours? 1.00

01:54:32.000 Never. 1.00

01:54:32.000 Balls. 1.00

01:54:33.000 And if it did, it doesn't matter because I wouldn't have felt it anyway.

01:54:36.000 I don't care.

01:54:36.000 I'm not squeamish.

01:54:37.000 There, I said it.

01:54:38.000 Really?

01:54:38.000 I don't know.

01:54:39.000 I'm too into this girl.

01:54:40.000 I'm into this girl. 1.00

01:54:42.000 Okay, so he's got a fungus on his balls. 1.00

01:54:44.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:54:45.000 I wasn't even thinking, dude.

01:54:46.000 I was just like, this is an experience.

01:54:48.000 I'm already done. 1.00

01:54:49.000 I'm already fucked. 1.00

01:54:50.000 So... 1.00

01:54:51.000 So he can't get in. 0.99

01:54:52.000 And he goes, what the fuck? 0.99

01:54:55.000 I can't get in. 1.00

01:54:56.000 And she turns around and goes, don't fucking blame me. 1.00

01:54:59.000 I told you I didn't want to do it. 1.00

01:55:00.000 And they start having a fight about not being able to get in her ass as I'm having sex with her. 1.00

01:55:05.000 And they're having a fight. 1.00

01:55:06.000 And I'm thinking to myself, I look back and I'm like, this is the beginning of the end in this relationship.

01:55:11.000 This is a weird thing to have a fight about. 0.99

01:55:13.000 There's another issue that, you know, you fucking, whatever, but they're swingers. 0.99

01:55:19.000 So he can't get in. 0.99

01:55:21.000 They have this fight.

01:55:21.000 And then he kind of storms off and she kind of goes back to me and we do our thing.

01:55:25.000 And so now, I can't believe this is like the most popular podcast.

01:55:31.000 There goes my reputation, by the way.

01:55:32.000 And so now, it comes time for me to, she wants me to finish off in a porn fashion, which would be again in her. 0.99

01:55:42.000 Mouth. 0.99

01:55:42.000 And so I go, okay. 0.99

01:55:44.000 And so now we're going to do the whole money shot thing.

01:55:48.000 And I just, it's been a long time and I just lose it, you know, right away again.

01:55:52.000 And as I'm, you know, coming, uh, I, I see Mr. Celebrity come running around with the camera and he comes around and he goes, Oh, what the, no, no, no, no, no. 1.00

01:56:02.000 Oh, fuck, honey. 1.00

01:56:04.000 Why'd you let him come so fast? 1.00

01:56:06.000 I wanted to film it.

01:56:07.000 And she goes, what am I supposed to do? 1.00

01:56:09.000 Stick my dick in his fucking... 1.00

01:56:10.000 Stick my finger in his dick? 1.00

01:56:12.000 Don't be an asshole! 1.00

01:56:13.000 I don't have any control of it. 1.00

01:56:14.000 And now they get in an argument about that.

01:56:15.000 And as they're arguing, I'm like, alright, thank you so much. 1.00

01:56:18.000 I throw out my fucking band. 1.00

01:56:19.000 I run the fuck out of there. 1.00

01:56:22.000 God, I need to know who this is. 0.99

01:56:23.000 And by the way, then they got divorced.

01:56:25.000 Have you ever seen that guy since then?

01:56:26.000 No.

01:56:27.000 No. 0.99

01:56:27.000 That would be the mindfuck. 0.99

01:56:28.000 Am I allowed to guess? 0.99

01:56:29.000 No, no, no.

01:56:30.000 No, no, no.

01:56:31.000 Because I've got to save some.

01:56:33.000 Anyway, I wasn't there.

01:56:34.000 By the way, that story doesn't belong to me.

01:56:36.000 That's a friend of mine story.

01:56:38.000 Ustream has apparently died.

01:56:40.000 Have you noticed?

01:56:41.000 Yeah.

01:56:41.000 What happened?

01:56:41.000 Is it us?

01:56:42.000 No, it's not us.

01:56:43.000 It's Ustream.

01:56:44.000 There's still 1,900 people tuned in.

01:56:47.000 Is it just Ustream crashed?

01:56:49.000 Yeah.

01:56:50.000 Sorry.

01:56:51.000 Well, we're still broadcasting.

01:56:52.000 Guess you have to download it from iTunes.

01:56:54.000 Oh, the end, son.

01:56:56.000 The end part.

01:56:57.000 The best part.

01:56:58.000 So, you've never had a situation like this ever again?

01:57:02.000 That's like one of those stories that you hear about.

01:57:04.000 That's like a Hollywood story.

01:57:06.000 I've had those experiences.

01:57:08.000 Really?

01:57:09.000 More than one?

01:57:09.000 Yeah.

01:57:09.000 How many times have you been in the same room with another guy with a girl?

01:57:12.000 How many times?

01:57:13.000 Ten?

01:57:14.000 I mean, I don't want to get too detailed, but when I was single in L.A. and with a house and no worries and I was a young guy, I did that kind of stuff.

01:57:25.000 All the time?

01:57:26.000 I mean, I wasn't a swinger.

01:57:27.000 I didn't go to orgies.

01:57:28.000 I didn't organize anything, but I was pretty good at getting...

01:57:32.000 I think my friends would tell you I was pretty good at getting a group of great...

01:57:40.000 It's a funny thing to talk about though, isn't it?

01:57:42.000 It's a funny thing to talk about because when you start saying, you know, I banged all these girls, I banged this girl, you open yourself up to people getting angry at you.

01:57:50.000 I don't care.

01:57:51.000 I know you don't.

01:57:53.000 Because you didn't do anything wrong.

01:57:54.000 I didn't do anything wrong and I would do it again and I had a blast. 0.99

01:57:58.000 I had a fucking blast. 0.97

01:58:00.000 And it's true. 0.99

01:58:01.000 And it turned me on.

01:58:02.000 That turned me on.

01:58:03.000 You want to turn me on? 1.00

01:58:06.000 You throw a bunch of six really cool girls in a room and they're all like, we want to fuck you? 1.00

01:58:11.000 That turns me on. 1.00

01:58:12.000 Yeah, it turns me on.

01:58:13.000 Gets me going.

01:58:14.000 Sorry.

01:58:14.000 I know it's a crime, but yeah, I'm down.

01:58:16.000 Isn't it? 0.97

01:58:17.000 It's funny though that you think about this, like the way people describe it, like this is a fucked up thing to talk about. 0.93

01:58:22.000 Yeah, but that's what's interesting. 0.65

01:58:24.000 It's taboo because when I was telling the story of the UCB, it was actually kind of an experiment.

01:58:27.000 I was like, I want to see what happens to this audience when I tell a real story about something that most people would never admit to because it makes you look to a lot of people bad or it makes you look like a pervert. 1.00

01:58:38.000 But I don't believe in that shit. 1.00

01:58:39.000 I don't buy it. 1.00

01:58:41.000 And anybody who knows me knows I'm just not hung up on that stuff.

01:58:44.000 I'm really not. 0.99

01:58:45.000 And I wouldn't change that experience for the fucking world. 0.99

01:58:49.000 What's that guy's name? 0.99

01:58:50.000 Vincent Gallo?

01:58:51.000 Is that his name?

01:58:52.000 Is he the one who did that movie, Brown Bunny, where Chloe... 1.00

01:58:55.000 And she still has a career.

01:58:56.000 Yeah.

01:58:57.000 She blew him in the movie. 0.93

01:58:59.000 Right. 1.00

01:58:59.000 Yeah, it was a movie, and in the scene, she actually sucks his dick, and he comes all over. 1.00

01:59:04.000 Do you know what I noticed about, especially women, when, what I noticed about, I told that story, and there were a lot of women in UCB, women were really open. 0.99

01:59:11.000 Women were really, like, I had a couple women say, hi, I found that story really honest and refreshing.

01:59:17.000 How do you end it?

01:59:18.000 What do you say?

01:59:19.000 The theme was a slippery slope.

01:59:22.000 Like, if somebody calls you about an orgy, if you don't turn around and drive home immediately and throw handcuffs on yourself, Anything else is a slippery slope.

01:59:31.000 You're going down that slope if you're a guy like me. 0.99

01:59:34.000 That story about getting a call like that is what a lot of us deal with on a day-to-day basis with our addictions, whether it's I'm trying to stop smoking, I'm trying to stop drinking, I'm trying to stop fucking You know, watching porn all day.

01:59:50.000 Whatever it is, people have these addictions. 0.78

01:59:52.000 I'm trying to stop meth.

01:59:53.000 I'm trying to stop heroin.

01:59:54.000 It's the same addiction, man.

01:59:56.000 It's the same impulse.

01:59:58.000 And so to suggest that I don't have some of that in me and that I, in the past, haven't acted on that is dishonest.

02:00:07.000 And by the way, it's suggesting I'm not human. 1.00

02:00:10.000 Fuck you if you've got a judgment on that. 1.00

02:00:12.000 I thought it was awesome. 1.00

02:00:14.000 And, you know, that's how it is.

02:00:15.000 What do you think makes that impulse?

02:00:17.000 What is it?

02:00:18.000 What evolutionary purpose does it serve?

02:00:21.000 I know exactly what I think it is.

02:00:22.000 I think that that kind of behavior ultimately does two things, or a couple things.

02:00:27.000 Historically, it threatens, first of all, it's unsafe activity.

02:00:31.000 You can actually catch a disease and you can spread it.

02:00:34.000 So there's that.

02:00:35.000 I mean, I use condoms and stuff. 1.00

02:00:36.000 But there's this notion that historically, if you had sex with a lot of people, you came down with shit like syphilis. 0.99

02:00:42.000 And we have a historical memory of promiscuous behavior leads to really shitty diseases. 1.00

02:00:47.000 That's the first thing.

02:00:48.000 But I also think that a society has to have certain norms and certain rules.

02:00:53.000 Because that was always the way you were able to be more efficient.

02:00:57.000 I think when you had a credo that people bought into, it was easier to organize things.

02:01:03.000 It was easier to create a cohesive culture, a cohesive belief system.

02:01:10.000 And those are very human impulses and developments. 1.00

02:01:14.000 And so when you have somebody who decides, I'm going to follow my appetites, And I'm just going to fuck and be a real slut or a real, you know, a real dirtbag, whatever. 1.00

02:01:24.000 These are the words people use. 1.00

02:01:25.000 I think we all go, all of us rightly in some ways go, well, that's really indulging your appetites.

02:01:32.000 And nobody can sustain that because actually what leads to that kind of behavior isn't necessarily anything positive.

02:01:37.000 You're certainly not going to develop a skill.

02:01:39.000 Right.

02:01:40.000 It's generally considered unsavory.

02:01:43.000 Right.

02:01:43.000 It's base behavior.

02:01:45.000 It's giving in completely to the beast.

02:01:48.000 Yeah, and the only people that support it are freaks.

02:01:50.000 That's right.

02:01:50.000 Other fellow freaks.

02:01:51.000 But we're all freaks.

02:01:52.000 Yes.

02:01:53.000 If we weren't freaks, then YouTube and RedTube and all these things and porn wouldn't be a multi-billion dollar industry.

02:02:00.000 But we have a culture that's obsessed with purity.

02:02:05.000 I mean, this Anthony Weiner thing, it's obsessed with it.

02:02:07.000 The guy had to resign for sending a picture of his thinly clad package to a co-ed.

02:02:13.000 Wow.

02:02:14.000 Yeah.

02:02:14.000 Wow.

02:02:15.000 It's very strange, but what do you think leads to...

02:02:18.000 What purpose does that addiction have in human beings?

02:02:22.000 Why do we have that?

02:02:23.000 Why does it exist?

02:02:24.000 Why is there this weird thing that makes us fixate on things?

02:02:27.000 I think I know that there's a book I read called The Selfish Gene.

02:02:30.000 I know that a scientist...

02:02:32.000 I can't remember who wrote it, but I know that a scientist would...

02:02:36.000 I would suggest that genetic variation has both ends of the spectrum.

02:02:45.000 The need for sex is very strong in human beings.

02:02:48.000 I would imagine that you have examples of people who have a very strong sex drive and they're on one side of the spectrum and other people that are asexual.

02:02:56.000 And it just probably, you can chalk it up to hormones or whatever it might be.

02:02:59.000 But I don't even necessarily mean sexual.

02:03:01.000 I just mean, what is this proclivity for addiction that people have, for compulsive behavior, or impulsive behavior, rather?

02:03:09.000 Or compulsive and impulsive?

02:03:10.000 Maybe, first of all, they're trying to fill a void.

02:03:14.000 They're trying to feel something.

02:03:15.000 I think it comes down to the juice.

02:03:17.000 Do you think it's because we don't live hunter-gatherer lives, so we don't have these thrills of survival?

02:03:23.000 I was going to say that I think when you have to track down a deer and kill it, that requires extreme behavior in some ways.

02:03:29.000 I mean, it requires adrenaline.

02:03:32.000 It requires endurance.

02:03:33.000 It requires supreme aggression.

02:03:37.000 When you kill an animal, like, you know, we came up millennia killing animals with a speck.

02:03:40.000 You smell that blood.

02:03:43.000 You have to skin it.

02:03:44.000 You're involved in that animal's life.

02:03:46.000 And I would imagine that the activity of hunting on that level is a huge rush.

02:03:53.000 It's why people get addicted to war.

02:03:55.000 So you think there's like some sort of a gap and then the average person working a 9 to 5 existence with some sort of staid behavior pattern that they have to follow throughout the day that these people have like a hole that needs to be filled.

02:04:08.000 There's no question.

02:04:09.000 And then the porn comes in or drugs come in or gambling come in.

02:04:13.000 Yeah.

02:04:13.000 That's what it is.

02:04:14.000 Because we have a lot of needs.

02:04:15.000 And I think one is...

02:04:17.000 And by the way, I'll tell you what need it probably fills.

02:04:19.000 We have needs...

02:04:20.000 We have a need for certainty.

02:04:22.000 We have a need to feel like, I know where my paycheck's coming.

02:04:24.000 I got a roof over my head.

02:04:25.000 I think we have a need to connect with people, you know...

02:04:28.000 But we also have a need, a lot of that behavior when you gamble.

02:04:31.000 Look at it. 0.99

02:04:32.000 When you show up in a room and six girls you've never met are there to fuck you or you don't even know what they look like and your heart's beating. 1.00

02:04:38.000 You know what you're really responding to? 1.00

02:04:40.000 Adventure.

02:04:41.000 Uncertainty.

02:04:41.000 The need to not know what's coming next.

02:04:44.000 And human beings have a very deep need to put themselves into the unpredictable.

02:04:49.000 Just as much as they have a need to be in the predictable.

02:04:52.000 But if you look at somebody who doesn't have anything that's unpredictable in their lives, what happens? 0.98

02:04:56.000 They get fucking bored.

02:04:58.000 It's why when you make all the money in the world and you've done it all, a lot of people get a sense of loss because there's no longer that feeling like Zoros. 0.99

02:05:08.000 No mountains to climb.

02:05:09.000 Yeah, well Zoros, the rich, the multi-millionaire, the billionaire guy, He was a, I think, I believe he was a Jewish refugee, and he was 15 or 13 years old in Hungary as a Jew, and he was hiding from the Nazis.

02:05:22.000 I mean, he had to hide from the Nazis, and otherwise he was going to be killed.

02:05:26.000 And he said that in many ways, those were the most exciting, as terrifying and as horrible times.

02:05:32.000 They were also the times he felt the most alive, because he didn't know if he was going to make it till tomorrow.

02:05:37.000 And human beings, I think, have a very, very deep, deep need to be put in the unpredictable.

02:05:43.000 And there's a way to do that that's positive, and there's a way to do that that's negative.

02:05:48.000 And as you get older, like I am, you start to realize that going to orgies and that kind of stuff, gambling, those are not necessarily positive things to do.

02:06:00.000 Because you pay a price for them in some ways.

02:06:02.000 If you become a sex addict and you're chasing skirt all the time, you're going to pay a price in connection and intimacy.

02:06:09.000 I believe.

02:06:10.000 Yeah.

02:06:12.000 I've had to confront that in myself, and I've had to deal with that on a personal level.

02:06:16.000 And so you don't get away with anything in the world.

02:06:19.000 And the best way to do it is not to be too strict with yourself, to fucking be forgiving of yourself and others, to realize that we are all hanging on by a thread in one way or another. 0.97

02:06:28.000 You know, I've watched really good people try to quit smoking, and they can't fucking do it. 0.95

02:06:32.000 You can tell them they have weak character, but I don't choose to believe that. 0.92

02:06:36.000 I believe that they're just... 1.00

02:06:38.000 Fucking weak, like all of us, in one area. 1.00

02:06:41.000 Weakness, courage, intelligence, these are all compartmentalized skills, compartmentalized virtues. 1.00

02:06:47.000 Nobody is, you know, very few people are sober all the way through. 0.98

02:06:51.000 And if you are sober all the way through and you don't have any vices, you might be fucking too boring for me to hang out with. 0.95

02:06:55.000 I want to know what Dr. Drew's vices are because you know he's got them. 0.97

02:06:59.000 Well, you know, a lot of doctors, though, doctors I've noticed tend to be very sober individuals.

02:07:04.000 I agree, but I think...

02:07:05.000 I wouldn't want to go on vacation with Dr. Drew.

02:07:06.000 How about that?

02:07:07.000 I would.

02:07:08.000 I would want to get him high with secondhand smoke, find out what's ticking in his brain. 0.99

02:07:12.000 But when you see a guy who's constantly around people who are fucking up left and right... 0.99

02:07:17.000 But yet he and his life is very together. 0.97

02:07:20.000 Very together family.

02:07:21.000 But then that's part of what makes him feel good.

02:07:24.000 That's a positive addiction.

02:07:26.000 Dr. Drew is always challenged with a new person he's going to try to help.

02:07:31.000 Dr. Drew spends his life solving problems, doesn't he?

02:07:33.000 Yeah, not only does he do that, but he's always on the Loveline show as well.

02:07:38.000 People don't realize he's still got that radio show.

02:07:40.000 So every day, every day, it's people calling in.

02:07:42.000 And by the way, he really does help people.

02:07:44.000 I mean, he really does need advice.

02:07:46.000 I don't think he's helping those celebrities.

02:07:48.000 I mean, you can say they are, but those dudes need a paycheck. 1.00

02:07:51.000 I mean, I guess any possible treatment, and maybe the idea of shocking them, putting it into the public eye.

02:07:56.000 Yeah, it's like intervention in the public.

02:07:58.000 Yeah, maybe putting them in the public eye actually puts more pressure on them and actually makes it more real.

02:08:02.000 I don't know.

02:08:03.000 I'm fascinated with this notion of what discipline really means and what self-restriction really comes into.

02:08:08.000 Yeah, and you know what?

02:08:09.000 What impulsiveness is worth and how much is dynamic, crazy, unpredictable behavior worth in the dynamic of a machine?

02:08:18.000 Because the human being, you look at a human being in the context of being a unit and there's qualities that I appreciate.

02:08:24.000 And one of the qualities, I like impulsive people.

02:08:27.000 I like wildness.

02:08:28.000 All my friends are impulsive. 0.97

02:08:29.000 All my friends are crazy. 0.99

02:08:30.000 Me too. 0.95

02:08:31.000 It's more color.

02:08:32.000 It's more fun to be around.

02:08:34.000 We've talked about Jimmy Burke.

02:08:35.000 Joey Diaz is a perfect example.

02:08:37.000 You're a perfect example.

02:08:38.000 To other people, I'm an example. 0.99

02:08:40.000 The most fun people I know are all pretty fucking crazy. 0.88

02:08:45.000 I mean, you don't get interesting and funny without those weird sort of... 0.97

02:08:50.000 I agree, and I like to hold on to a lot of my impulses.

02:08:53.000 I like to hold on to a lot of my whatever you would call the beast and the flesh.

02:08:58.000 I mean, I do think that there's something beautiful about learning how to be in total control of yourself, of your appetites, and everything else.

02:09:05.000 I think that is a virtue, and I think that's something people as adults as you get older should strive for.

02:09:10.000 But I also think...

02:09:12.000 I don't want to lose all my confidence.

02:09:14.000 Especially as an artist.

02:09:15.000 No way.

02:09:15.000 I need it.

02:09:16.000 I draw from it.

02:09:17.000 You need it for the wildest moments on stage.

02:09:20.000 You're letting people know in those wildest moments, like, I've been to this crazy place.

02:09:23.000 Yeah, man.

02:09:24.000 That's why I'm a stand-up comic.

02:09:25.000 I get up on stage and try to make people laugh.

02:09:27.000 It's called Look At Me.

02:09:28.000 There's a hole I'm trying to fill in one way or another, and I don't want to lose that hole.

02:09:32.000 I really don't.

02:09:33.000 I mean, you ever see a really good actor?

02:09:35.000 They're basket cases. 1.00

02:09:37.000 They're fucking basket cases. 1.00

02:09:38.000 The key is to be that basket case, but to be happy. 1.00

02:09:41.000 And as a comic, there's a dance and it is possible.

02:09:44.000 It is possible to put your balance in the correct way so that you still are energetic and enthusiastic and creative, but yet you still have that.

02:09:53.000 There's a part of your brain that will flip over to the dark side.

02:09:57.000 You just got to be able to control it.

02:09:58.000 Well, and you know, but let me tell you something.

02:10:00.000 When you start talking in terms of I better learn how to control it, you know, that's not how people control themselves. 0.99

02:10:07.000 The minute you start saying things like, I can't do that, not going to do that, like I was doing with that hotel room, I'm not going to go up there and fuck those six girls because it's wrong. 0.99

02:10:15.000 That doesn't work for me. 1.00

02:10:17.000 That's not going to work for me.

02:10:18.000 Well, what does work?

02:10:19.000 Well, I think you either need a different kind of philosophy, but I think more importantly when it comes to dealing with an addiction, I think you've got to substitute.

02:10:27.000 I think you've got to associate, you've got to figure out a way to associate that behavior with nothing positive, and you've got to be able to associate a different kind of behavior with something that's more pleasurable.

02:10:37.000 They always say that in any addict counseling, right?

02:10:40.000 They try to get you to replace your addiction with, you know, start gardening, get obsessed with something.

02:10:45.000 It's got to be something fun.

02:10:46.000 It's like when I tell people, I notice people who don't work out, okay?

02:10:48.000 And I notice that they just can't work out.

02:10:51.000 And what they get tired the minute you start talking about, you've got to start eating better.

02:10:54.000 That's Brian, look at him.

02:10:54.000 He's almost blacked out.

02:10:55.000 Yeah, because you've got to start eating better and you've got to start working out.

02:10:58.000 What they think is, oh my God, that means I'm going to have to sweat in a gym and I've got to eat better.

02:11:02.000 No.

02:11:03.000 All I want to do is show you very gently and slowly how much better you feel when you are in shape versus when you're not.

02:11:10.000 And once you feel the difference, you will slowly start to go to that. 0.83

02:11:14.000 And when you go back to your old habits, you'll go, damn, I don't feel as good as I did. 0.96

02:11:17.000 I gotta do something here. 0.98

02:11:19.000 And you'll try to get out of that state.

02:11:21.000 It's the only way I think people really change.

02:11:23.000 I really believe that.

02:11:25.000 I don't think you change with a gun to your head.

02:11:26.000 I think real change happens when you see and understand the difference.

02:11:30.000 And that can be taken to, I think, movements like Al-Qaeda's movement, this Muslim fundamentalism.

02:11:40.000 When you show, they have a really interesting program in Yemen, where they take these young, idealistic Al-Qaeda guys, and they get these Muslim scholars in a room, these really kind of smart guys who've been around, older guys, and they debate them.

02:11:55.000 They challenge them to a debate, and they go, what are your ideas on Islam?

02:11:57.000 You're on Islamic fundamentalism. 0.69

02:11:59.000 You love the Quran.

02:12:00.000 Let's have a talk.

02:12:01.000 Since I'm an Iman, I've been doing this for 50 years.

02:12:04.000 What are your ideas?

02:12:05.000 And they just dismantle their ideas mentally.

02:12:08.000 And a lot of these guys just go, I didn't know any of that.

02:12:11.000 I've been fed this kind of thing.

02:12:12.000 And they're like, well, this is how it is.

02:12:14.000 And let me show you the examples in the Quran.

02:12:15.000 All of a sudden they go, and their minds change.

02:12:18.000 And if you want to change... 1.00

02:12:19.000 So what you're saying is you need to go to the Muslim religion and then you'll stop beating off and fucking whores in a hotel. 1.00

02:12:24.000 Well, religion, whether it's Christianity, Muslim, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, can serve that function and has for many addicts and is a real place for people to kind of live. 1.00

02:12:35.000 With the 12-step program, one of the reasons why it works is that you submit to a higher power.

02:12:39.000 Exactly.

02:12:40.000 It sounds ridiculous, but as a tool, as a mental tool, using it as an operating system that you're going to operate... 0.91

02:12:45.000 Your mind under the confines of this Christianity 5.0 system. 0.55

02:12:49.000 The biggest problem we have in some ways and the worst thing an artist can do for themselves is to say, all my genius comes right out of me.

02:12:59.000 It takes a lot of pressure off you as a creative person or a person in general to say, you know what?

02:13:04.000 I'm not perfect.

02:13:06.000 I'm going to let something else guide me.

02:13:09.000 So if you're an artist, you say, like Flannery O'Connor, that wonderful thing, she goes, I don't sit at my typewriter to write at all.

02:13:14.000 I just sit at my typewriter and I sit there in case something happens.

02:13:17.000 And if something starts working its way through me, I'll start typing.

02:13:20.000 And it takes all the pressure off you.

02:13:22.000 Cynical people will look at Pressfield's book, The War of Art, and they'll go, this is poppycock, this is nonsense. 1.00

02:13:28.000 That's fine, they can do that.

02:13:29.000 But it's effective.

02:13:30.000 It is effective.

02:13:31.000 That's what people don't understand.

02:13:31.000 It may be incorrect.

02:13:33.000 It may be all within the confines of your mind.

02:13:35.000 But if you operate on the principle that you are enacting the muse, that you are contacting the muse, then it really does work.

02:13:42.000 Can a cynic explain to me why when I hear a piece of music I start crying because it's so beautiful?

02:13:48.000 Can you explain mathematically how that goes?

02:13:51.000 I'm not interested.

02:13:52.000 All I know is I start crying because it's beautiful.

02:13:54.000 Yeah, there's a lot of things that cannot be explained.

02:13:56.000 And you know what it does?

02:13:57.000 It inspires me.

02:13:58.000 I hear like a beautiful piece of music.

02:14:01.000 You know why I got into stand-up?

02:14:02.000 I remember when I got into stand-up after I heard your album and that Voodoo Panani song and all that stuff.

02:14:07.000 Seriously, and I went home that day.

02:14:09.000 See, you don't know this.

02:14:10.000 I never told you this.

02:14:10.000 I'm glad I'm talking about this.

02:14:12.000 Because I listened to your album and I had to leave early.

02:14:15.000 I got out of there and you couldn't understand.

02:14:17.000 You got mad at me.

02:14:18.000 You called me up and you go, you just left without saying bye?

02:14:20.000 You just took off?

02:14:21.000 You know why I took off?

02:14:22.000 I couldn't handle being around you because I was so, not only inspired, but I went, my friend's doing something really special here and I have, I know I have something in me and I'm not living up to it. 0.99

02:14:34.000 And being around him is reminding me of the fact that I'm not living my fucking life. 0.62

02:14:38.000 And I remember you called me and you were mad and I made up some excuse like, I was like, I started telling you like some excuse and then I went, dude, I gotta be honest with you. 0.99

02:14:45.000 You fucked me up a little bit.

02:14:47.000 I said, that song and your jokes were so awe-inspiring to me. 0.99

02:14:51.000 And I went home and I started writing.

02:14:53.000 And so that's what happened to me.

02:14:55.000 That was a huge catalyst for me. 0.99

02:14:57.000 I went home and started writing because after I heard that song and after I heard those fucking jokes, you were coming to those... 1.00

02:15:02.000 Goddamn, this was... 0.99

02:15:03.000 I don't know how many years ago. 0.95

02:15:04.000 99. They were so fucking well-formed. 0.99

02:15:07.000 You were such a tidal wave. 0.99

02:15:09.000 It was like an example for the first time where I went, I saw an artist... 1.00

02:15:13.000 Just peak, come together, and just put out, the power you were putting out was so retarded that it was changing the whole fucking room. 1.00

02:15:21.000 People were like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:15:22.000 This guy's writing songs, he's doing... 1.00

02:15:23.000 And I remember going, I gotta taste some of that.

02:15:26.000 I gotta have some of that. 0.98

02:15:27.000 I gotta get the fuck out of here. 0.72

02:15:28.000 I get that still. 0.97

02:15:29.000 That's what you need, man.

02:15:30.000 And if you don't have that in your life, you gotta find it.

02:15:33.000 Either surround yourself with friends who do it, Go to TED.com.

02:15:37.000 Do whatever you have to do, man.

02:15:38.000 Find it.

02:15:39.000 It's out there. 0.99

02:15:40.000 And the beautiful thing about technology, and this is for young people, is that you can spend your time listening to music and reading about what Lady Gaga wore to the gym, or you can fucking open your mind to a whole world out there that is going to bite you in the ass if you're not ready for it anyway. 0.98

02:15:56.000 So start opening your mind and start reading. 0.98

02:15:58.000 And it's important to not give in a jealousy. 0.98

02:16:00.000 When you see someone doing something that you're not doing and you feel like, fuck, I'm not doing... 0.99

02:16:06.000 There's an instinct to protect yourself by bullshitting yourself and becoming jealous and bitter and talking shit about that person. 0.99

02:16:13.000 And that's where haters come from. 0.99

02:16:15.000 What haters are, 100% of all haters in the world are unrealized potential.

02:16:20.000 It's 100%.

02:16:21.000 Exactly.

02:16:21.000 I'm not a hater.

02:16:22.000 I'm a pretty nice, easy-going guy.

02:16:24.000 It's because I'm successful.

02:16:26.000 Michael Jordan's not a hater.

02:16:28.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:16:29.000 You know what I mean?

02:16:29.000 When you get to a guy at that level, they're not haters.

02:16:33.000 The real haters are...

02:16:34.000 There's no time to hate.

02:16:35.000 They see someone doing well and it bothers them.

02:16:37.000 To a person like a Michael Jordan or a winner, they see someone doing well and it inspires them.

02:16:42.000 Take it up another notch.

02:16:43.000 I've always, always, always tried to look at things like that.

02:16:48.000 When you see something great, and if it's a friend of yours, you have to use it as inspiration.

02:16:53.000 It's supposed to inspire you.

02:16:55.000 And haters and that notion, what that is, is it's a skewed perspective.

02:17:01.000 I think what happens is a lot of times they say, well, you know what?

02:17:04.000 There is scarcity in the world.

02:17:06.000 So there's only a certain size of the pie.

02:17:11.000 And if you're doing this, you've taken up all the pie and there's no room for me.

02:17:14.000 Not true, man.

02:17:15.000 Not at all.

02:17:16.000 There is no scarcity.

02:17:17.000 It's a terrible way of thinking too.

02:17:19.000 If you open yourself up to something beautiful and great and let that work through you and really be affected, be astonished by it, be scared by it, be brought to your knees by it, whatever it takes, you will find way more strength in that surrender to the beautiful than you will you will find way more strength in that surrender to the beautiful than you will And all of us, man, all of us had this notion to go, I'm closing myself off. 0.99

02:17:42.000 Fuck this. 0.99

02:17:43.000 Everybody wants to win the lottery, but the lottery will fucking ruin you. 1.00

02:17:47.000 You have to earn the whole thing. 0.97

02:17:49.000 In order to be a real man or a real woman, you have to earn the whole thing. 1.00

02:17:55.000 And the crazy thing is to be the man, to get to that point, to be the man, You literally have to not ever be possibly the man because you have to get to this zen state where there is no the man. 0.65

02:18:06.000 It's all about the work. 0.96

02:18:07.000 It's all about what genius you're putting out is all about, whether it's music or whether it's writing or whatever the fuck it is.

02:18:14.000 It's all about finding that real pure place. 0.55

02:18:17.000 So there is never the man.

02:18:18.000 That's when the muse kicks in.

02:18:20.000 The idea of this all comes from somewhere else.

02:18:23.000 It's like, Maybe it is just an attitude that allows you to bypass the ego.

02:18:29.000 Maybe that's what the muse is.

02:18:30.000 It's just a scientific or a method of thinking that allows you to bypass the ego.

02:18:35.000 But it's effective, whatever it is.

02:18:37.000 It's very effective.

02:18:39.000 So you're never the man.

02:18:40.000 You never feel like the man, right?

02:18:41.000 Well, you're bringing me to the notion of celebrity, for example.

02:18:44.000 That's a really good point because celebrity actually doesn't exist.

02:18:48.000 You've had celebrity for a long time, but just with me now, things are starting to...

02:18:52.000 I go to places and people recognize you and they want to take pictures or whatever.

02:18:57.000 And you think to yourself, well, I'm doing this TV show and I'm doing...

02:19:00.000 And I guess in some ways I'm making lots of money and I've kind of arrived a little bit.

02:19:04.000 I mean, I'm kind of like, you know, I'm a working actor and I... There is zero difference, actually, in what it takes for me to keep myself inspired.

02:19:14.000 And if anything, that's nice.

02:19:16.000 It's a nice thing.

02:19:17.000 But it certainly plays no real part in my overall fulfillment, which is really interesting, you know?

02:19:23.000 And you know this really well.

02:19:24.000 I mean, you know, I've been with you in Vegas.

02:19:26.000 I remember with the height of fear factor when, I mean, you had to literally go to the corner and rub your eyes because everybody wanted a picture.

02:19:34.000 Everybody wanted to touch you.

02:19:35.000 Everybody wanted to be around you.

02:19:38.000 That becomes, I guess in a lot of ways, the exact opposite of what you're going for.

02:19:44.000 It's a privilege, it's nice, but it's actually a distraction.

02:19:48.000 It actually doesn't exist.

02:19:51.000 It doesn't exist in a lot of ways.

02:19:52.000 But it does.

02:19:52.000 It does, I just mean it doesn't exist.

02:19:54.000 It's something you have to deal with.

02:19:55.000 It exists.

02:19:56.000 But it is weird.

02:19:58.000 What I mean is that what you think celebrity is going to be and then what it actually ends up being.

02:20:02.000 Two totally different things.

02:20:03.000 Yeah, that's all.

02:20:04.000 And there is a dance that you have to do in order to not get sucked into the wave, not get sucked into the gravity of the situation.

02:20:10.000 Don't believe it or buy into it.

02:20:11.000 Yeah.

02:20:12.000 Some people never do.

02:20:15.000 Brian, you've inspired people.

02:20:16.000 This is a good podcast.

02:20:19.000 I've talked to so many people, and I've talked to a lot of them this weekend.

02:20:21.000 We did the Irvine Improv, and it was a lot of fun.

02:20:25.000 We've talked to a lot of people that are podcast fans.

02:20:28.000 The number one thing that keeps coming up is these people say that, first of all, a lot of people listen to it at work. 0.96

02:20:33.000 They listen to it when they're doing stupid shit that they don't like doing, and they just love the fact that there's something like this out there. 0.91

02:20:38.000 And two, they say it gives them an opportunity to look at things completely different. 0.99

02:20:42.000 And it's shaping the way people think, man.

02:20:44.000 There's a difference between what we're doing here than sort of the average radio show and the average podcast. 0.99

02:20:50.000 We're not afraid to talk about weird, deep shit and go. 0.89

02:20:54.000 And because of that, it's allowing other people to consider possibilities and ways of thinking that I don't think they would have. 0.98

02:21:01.000 Well, it's a privilege.

02:21:03.000 It's a privilege for me too, man.

02:21:04.000 It's all...

02:21:06.000 It's great to be on the podcast.

02:21:08.000 And I have people come up to me all the time now.

02:21:10.000 It's amazing how many people are listening to this thing.

02:21:13.000 By the way, I'll be at the San Francisco Punchline.

02:21:16.000 Have you done that?

02:21:17.000 Punchline's great.

02:21:17.000 I'll be there August 10th to the 13th.

02:21:21.000 That's my birthday, the 11th.

02:21:22.000 It is?

02:21:23.000 Yeah, I'm going to call you up.

02:21:23.000 I've never done that club, but I can't wait to go to San Francisco.

02:21:26.000 It's amazing.

02:21:27.000 It's a great, great club.

02:21:28.000 It's one of the best clubs.

02:21:29.000 It's a perfect height.

02:21:31.000 It's one of those places that's got the low ceilings.

02:21:33.000 Oh, I love that.

02:21:33.000 It's tight.

02:21:34.000 I think it seats probably 250, 300. Wow.

02:21:38.000 It's perfect.

02:21:39.000 I can't wait.

02:21:40.000 Dude, I was just in San Francisco recently.

02:21:41.000 A guy gave me Bill Hicks' last live performance at the Punchline.

02:21:45.000 The last time he was there, he gave it to me on DVD. That's what's so amazing about being a comic is you're performing with such history in rooms like that.

02:21:51.000 Oh, yeah.

02:21:52.000 One of those, The Punchline, that's one of those.

02:21:54.000 I'm doing The Ice House, not this weekend coming up, but next weekend, which is the 22nd and 23rd, The Ice House in Pasadena.

02:22:02.000 And that's a small place that's going to sell out quick.

02:22:05.000 But that place is the same place it's been for like 30 plus years, man.

02:22:10.000 And there's photos on the wall of people from the old days.

02:22:13.000 I think it's one of the oldest comedy clubs in the country, right?

02:22:15.000 Yes.

02:22:15.000 Yeah, it is.

02:22:16.000 It is.

02:22:16.000 I've got to start doing the Ice House.

02:22:18.000 Come on down. 0.94

02:22:18.000 Do you want to do this weekend? 0.94

02:22:19.000 Do you want to do next weekend?

02:22:20.000 Come down and do a guest set.

02:22:21.000 I'll definitely do a guest set.

02:22:22.000 22nd and 23rd. 0.99

02:22:23.000 Come on down, bitch. 1.00

02:22:24.000 I'm down. 1.00

02:22:24.000 Alright, beautiful. 1.00

02:22:26.000 Look, I love you, man.

02:22:27.000 You're the best.

02:22:27.000 Brian Callen, B-R-Y-A-N. It's awesome to see.

02:22:54.000 Thank you. 1.00

02:22:56.000 And that's it, you dirty bitches. 1.00

02:22:57.000 That's the end of the podcast for this week. 1.00

02:22:59.000 I got some shit to do, and I'm not going to be around all week. 0.65

02:23:02.000 So, very busy. 0.97

02:23:03.000 I'm moving and shaking.

02:23:05.000 I'm in a movie now, and I dance.

02:23:08.000 Yeah!

02:23:08.000 I'm doing four tomorrow, so if anyone wants their fix, I'll be doing four live ones.

02:23:12.000 Who are you doing them with?

02:23:13.000 05": Start off with Naughty Show with Sam Tripoli, then Bobby Lee and Ari Shafir at 2 o'clock.

02:23:18.000 And then...

02:23:18.000 05": Oh, that's gonna be a good one.

02:23:19.000 2 o'clock's gonna be a good one.

02:23:20.000 05": And then 4 o'clock, Tom Segura and Christina Bezinski.

02:23:23.000 And then 6 o'clock, Teeb and the Heeb, and then...

02:23:26.000 05": Okay, well, try to keep it together for all those times.

02:23:30.000 And don't make a sad face like, I'm so tired.

02:23:33.000 I did all these podcasts.

02:23:35.000 If you're going to commit to doing that many podcasts, you better take some five-hour energy drinks. 0.96

02:23:38.000 Damn right, baby. 1.00

02:23:40.000 Dirty bitch. 1.00

02:23:40.000 I'm going to Montana. 1.00

02:23:41.000 Have you been there before, by the way?

02:23:42.000 Never been to Montana.

02:23:43.000 I have.

02:23:44.000 Last Frontier, basically.

02:23:45.000 Pretty wild. 1.00

02:23:46.000 All right, you dirty freaks. 1.00

02:23:47.000 We love you. 1.00

02:23:48.000 We are you.

02:23:49.000 You are us.

02:23:50.000 We are Legion.

02:23:52.000 And we love the Fleshlight.

02:23:53.000 And we do not forget.

02:23:54.000 Big kisses.

02:23:55.000 Go to Fleshlight.com.

02:23:57.000 Excuse me.

02:23:58.000 Go to JoeRogan.net.

02:24:00.000 There's a guy who owns JoeRogan.com.

02:24:01.000 He wants a lot of money.

02:24:02.000 That's his story.

02:24:03.000 And I'm not willing to give it to him.

02:24:05.000 JoeRogan.net.

02:24:06.000 And click on the link for the Fleshlight.

02:24:07.000 Enter in the code name ROGAN. And you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:24:12.000 We are ironing out all the legal details when it comes to the Onnit Labs neutrogenic, whatever the fuck it's, nootropic formula for brain pills. 1.00

02:24:22.000 I don't know exactly why it works, but it fucking works like a motherfucker. 0.99

02:24:27.000 There's a nootropic formula that we're coming out with. 0.99

02:24:30.000 It's very fascinating.

02:24:32.000 It has a very tangible effect on your thinking, a very tangible effect on your memory, and your energy, your overall energy during the day.

02:24:38.000 I find myself, I take a lot of them when I go on the road, and I don't get tired.

02:24:41.000 I'm not as tired as I normally am from traveling. 0.97

02:24:43.000 They're fucking amazing. 0.93

02:24:44.000 I don't know what's going on. 1.00

02:24:45.000 It might be giving me brain cancer.

02:24:47.000 Crampeter?

02:24:48.000 I can't even say cancer. 0.99

02:24:50.000 Listen, this fucking show was over about three minutes ago, but I kept going. 0.99

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 11, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #121 - Bryan Callen

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