The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1219 - Bill Burr

00:00:01.000 And four, three, two...

00:00:05.000 Yes, Bill Burr!

00:00:07.000 How are you, fella?

00:00:08.000 What's going on?

00:00:09.000 Good to see you.

00:00:09.000 Good to see you, too.

00:00:10.000 Thank you very much for taking me up on that flight.

00:00:12.000 I'm going to tell you what.

00:00:13.000 Legitimately, you changed the way I think about L.A. It's really small, isn't it?

00:00:18.000 It's way smaller than you think.

00:00:20.000 Yeah.

00:00:20.000 It's a different thing.

00:00:21.000 When you fly over it, you go, oh...

00:00:25.000 Yeah, that's there.

00:00:26.000 I remember when I was still getting my license and I was doing a night flight, right?

00:00:32.000 Which is insane.

00:00:33.000 Totally different ballgame.

00:00:34.000 Oh, I imagine.

00:00:36.000 Yeah, because when you're on the ground, you're like, wow, it'd be really easy to see everybody.

00:00:39.000 Because you're looking up and all you're seeing is the backdrop of the dark sky, right?

00:00:42.000 Right.

00:00:44.000 If someone's below you, they disappear into the city.

00:00:47.000 So that's what, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:00:49.000 So anyway, so we were flying back, and I trained down in Long Beach, so we were going along the 710, and I just see, like, all these lights.

00:00:56.000 And it was, like, right there.

00:00:57.000 I'm, like, going up.

00:00:58.000 And I go, what's that?

00:00:59.000 He goes, and the pilot looked over.

00:01:02.000 He goes, oh, that's the fireworks from Disneyland. 0.99

00:01:06.000 And I was like, fucking Disneyland is right there? 0.98

00:01:08.000 Because in my head, it took like two hours to get there, hour and a half, going down the five. 0.99

00:01:14.000 But it's just like, because you don't look at miles.

00:01:17.000 All you do is look at time when you're out here because there's so much traffic.

00:01:19.000 But it's literally like, oh, that's like...

00:01:22.000 40 miles.

00:01:23.000 It's not even.

00:01:24.000 It's like from Hollywood, I would think it can't even be more than 15, 20 miles away. 0.95

00:01:29.000 Anaheim is so fucking close.

00:01:31.000 But it's just Irvine Comedy Club. 0.97

00:01:34.000 That's all I think of. 0.99

00:01:35.000 It's just fucking way the fuck down there. 1.00

00:01:37.000 And then you get up in a helicopter and you're like there in like 11 minutes going like, this is ridiculous. 1.00

00:01:44.000 So...

00:01:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:01:46.000 It was awesome.

00:01:48.000 Dude, it was awesome.

00:01:49.000 Yeah.

00:01:49.000 Flying over Malibu when you landed on top of that little hill there with the picnic table?

00:01:54.000 Yeah.

00:01:54.000 Dude.

00:01:55.000 That was funny.

00:01:55.000 I set it down nice.

00:01:56.000 I was a little nervous.

00:01:57.000 I'm like, all right, don't fuck this up with Joe here because he's going to be like, bro, you know.

00:02:01.000 He was all right when he was flying.

00:02:03.000 The big part, when he went to land, he wasn't that good.

00:02:06.000 It was smooth. 0.99

00:02:07.000 And then the Apocalypse Now shit, we're going through the canyons. 0.99

00:02:09.000 That was awesome, man. 0.99

00:02:12.000 Yeah.

00:02:12.000 I get it.

00:02:13.000 I get it.

00:02:14.000 Those are fun.

00:02:15.000 It's a lot of fun.

00:02:17.000 And, you know, I fly mostly with an instructor because I got the kid and everything.

00:02:20.000 But every once in a while, you got to go out by yourself just so you know you can do it.

00:02:24.000 But I also – I'm actually overdue to do it.

00:02:29.000 But I always go out and I do like the auto rotations and he'll just sort of – I'm flying along.

00:02:32.000 He'll just chop throttle.

00:02:34.000 It's just rolling the RPMs.

00:02:35.000 I mean rolling the engine down, not the RPMs.

00:02:37.000 The engine down.

00:02:38.000 And then you immediately have to pick a spot, you know?

00:02:40.000 And sometimes, you know, the lower you are, you know, it becomes literally what you...

00:02:44.000 The first place you look is where you're putting it.

00:02:46.000 It's really crazy, but...

00:02:48.000 Explain to people what you're talking about.

00:02:50.000 You mean crash landing?

00:02:52.000 That's what autorotation means.

00:02:53.000 Yeah, it'd be basically if you had some sort of...

00:02:56.000 Failure.

00:02:56.000 Problem, yeah, engine failure, whatever.

00:02:58.000 So, like, when you're flying along and the engine's working, it's drawing air into the disc, and that's what creates lift.

00:03:03.000 But when you go into an autorotation...

00:03:07.000 It's the air rushing.

00:03:09.000 You're using gravity, bringing the helicopter down, using that air, almost like a fan, to keep it going.

00:03:17.000 And there's a critical point where if you let the main rotor go too slow, that's why the low RPM horn comes on, which is just a nauseating sound.

00:03:25.000 If you let it go too low, it gets to a point where if it's spinning too slowly, no matter how fast you drop, you can't get it going again.

00:03:35.000 Fast enough to create, and you're basically at that point, you're in something that's no longer able to fly.

00:03:39.000 Your instructor, Skyler, is that his name?

00:03:42.000 Skyler pointed out something I didn't know, that they have to redo those things, like every X amount of miles.

00:03:49.000 They rebuild everything.

00:03:50.000 Hours, yeah.

00:03:51.000 Well, there's all this maintenance along the way.

00:03:54.000 They're incredibly maintained.

00:03:56.000 Because I'm sure you noticed if you read the comments, all people talk about is dying in aviation.

00:04:01.000 It's like, oh, that's how entertainers die.

00:04:03.000 It's like, no, it isn't.

00:04:04.000 They overdose.

00:04:05.000 If you really looked at the graph, they're on the ground, completely safe.

00:04:10.000 Overdose, car accidents.

00:04:12.000 It's almost always overdose, right? 0.99

00:04:13.000 Drinking, yeah, and shit like that. 0.92

00:04:15.000 And it's just like, that's... 1.00

00:04:17.000 Mainly how you die.

00:04:18.000 The amount of people that are up there every day and nothing happens, it's...

00:04:23.000 But there is...

00:04:25.000 The fly in the ointment is that there are, particularly at the private level, there are knuckleheads out there.

00:04:32.000 There's people...

00:04:34.000 I think every time I get in, I'm always thinking like, I don't want to die today. 0.99

00:04:39.000 So I go over a whole bunch of shit. 0.99

00:04:42.000 And especially if I'm going to fly solo, I have the whole flight. 0.99

00:04:46.000 I have all my options on where I could land if I had a problem.

00:04:53.000 That's what you're supposed to do.

00:04:54.000 I look at weather reports. 1.00

00:04:55.000 I do all of that shit. 0.99

00:04:57.000 And what happens is guys get more and more confident. 1.00

00:04:59.000 And their pre-flight is they kind of look, oh, it looks pretty clear.

00:05:03.000 And then they go out there and, you know, there's people who go up knowing that they can die and then there's other people up there who just like Magnum P.I. and they want to fly by waterfalls and shit. 0.98

00:05:15.000 I mean, those guys have more fun, but it's, you know, there's definitely... 0.96

00:05:22.000 Those are the people that, you know, you're supposed to fly.

00:05:24.000 There's like two envelopes.

00:05:25.000 You're supposed to fly within the envelope of what you're flying and then, you know, your skill set. 0.99

00:05:30.000 So you don't fly into shit. 0.98

00:05:32.000 This is like, you know, like if it's too windy or whatever, I'm just like, I'm not going. 0.99

00:05:36.000 Right.

00:05:36.000 Even if I could handle it, it's like I'm not going to have fun up there fucking, you know, riding it out and just, you know, let the wind do what it wants to do and don't fight it and, you know, make sure, you know, you're not flying too fast.

00:05:46.000 All you do is slow down, you know. 0.70

00:05:48.000 Yeah.

00:05:49.000 But, you know, there are elements of that.

00:05:52.000 But, like, if you look up there versus what's going on down below, when you fly, I always say this, when you drive on the highway, it's like you're flying in formation.

00:06:00.000 You're in the Blue Angels with nobody talking to anybody.

00:06:03.000 You have no idea what anybody's going to do.

00:06:05.000 People are texting.

00:06:07.000 They're on medication. 1.00

00:06:08.000 They're fucking hungover. 1.00

00:06:10.000 They're suicidal. 1.00

00:06:10.000 You know what the fuck they're doing, you know? 1.00

00:06:11.000 And then on top of that, you've got to look out for the guys splitting lanes on the motorcycles and shit. 0.99

00:06:16.000 It's pretty amazing how few accidents there actually are. 0.98

00:06:19.000 It is.

00:06:20.000 And when I fly the Robinsons, they get a bad rap saying they're not safe because they look at the amount of crashes that they've had, but it's because it's a helicopter you can afford, so it's inherently a low-hour pilot.

00:06:33.000 And if you look at it, most of the time, it's not...

00:06:36.000 It's not the helicopter.

00:06:38.000 It's the person flying it, which is why you really have to be on it.

00:06:46.000 It's just not something...

00:06:47.000 I don't know how to explain it.

00:06:51.000 It's this weird thing where your level of enjoyment is way higher if you're riding in it.

00:06:56.000 You know what I mean?

00:06:57.000 If you're the person flying the whole time, you have your life and other people's lives at hand so that you're not really like, oh, look at that!

00:07:02.000 Oh, look at that!

00:07:03.000 Oh, look at that! 0.98

00:07:03.000 I'm also like, you know, thinking things of like, you know, when we were flying through that canyon, thinking that shit, I'm looking, you know, knowing where the wires are and where the road is because that's all fucking trees, so it's going to be the road. 0.98

00:07:18.000 So there's those, you know, when you're kind of going around a bend, you know, there's certain, like, altitudes and stuff. 0.93

00:07:23.000 Just...

00:07:24.000 It's boring, but it's just stuff that you're always thinking that.

00:07:29.000 I imagine when you fight, I know a lot of it's instinct and stuff, but there's these things that you just don't do.

00:07:36.000 I don't know anything about fighting, but I was heard in boxing, you don't lead with an uppercut. 0.98

00:07:39.000 There's just fucking things you don't do. 0.99

00:07:42.000 You see a lot of guys, when they go to takeoff, they do this fucking thing, like the nose-down attitude. 0.99

00:07:46.000 I was taught not to do that. 0.99

00:07:47.000 Why do they do that?

00:07:49.000 Because it looks cool?

00:07:50.000 I don't know why they do it.

00:07:51.000 I mean, you're supposed to, like I was taught, you're supposed to keep it level.

00:07:54.000 So that way, if you have a problem, you know, you're already in the right attitude to just immediately enter an auto. 0.67

00:08:03.000 Like now, if I'm fucking nose down and if I'm too far to the ground, I'm just going to fucking go right into the ground. 0.90

00:08:08.000 I don't know. 0.97

00:08:09.000 But I mean, I'm still like totally a novice.

00:08:11.000 I'm coming up on 200 hours.

00:08:13.000 So I don't know a lot.

00:08:13.000 But I'm super, super, super, super fucking cautious.

00:08:17.000 And I make sure I don't go too long without doing auto rotations. 0.88

00:08:22.000 I used to hate them.

00:08:23.000 And now I actually really like them.

00:08:25.000 It was sort of the way it was explained to me.

00:08:28.000 I didn't get it until one day I just thought about it, and then I got it, and I was able to lock into it.

00:08:33.000 Because it's the same inputs if you were going in for a landing, but they broke it down to like four steps.

00:08:39.000 Like it was low RPM, lower collective, gentle aft cyclic, look at your trim strings, trim strings. 0.97

00:08:49.000 Trim, airspeed, RPMs, and just fucking doing all of this. 0.95

00:08:52.000 And the reality is, it's just like it's on right pedal. 0.98

00:08:56.000 Jesus Christ, I forgot that.

00:08:57.000 Right pedal.

00:08:57.000 So it's all the same input if you were going in for a landing.

00:09:02.000 So all I do anytime I hear the low RPM is I just do that, and then I'm locked into it.

00:09:07.000 And then I can just watch my RPMs.

00:09:10.000 And at this point, I've flown enough where I kind of know where I'm in trim, which basically means you're not like crabbing and you're kind of going straight.

00:09:15.000 And then you can kind of like pick out your spot.

00:09:17.000 And then it becomes fun.

00:09:18.000 What's cool is you can do like 180 autos.

00:09:20.000 You can turn around.

00:09:21.000 And what I do like about it is when you come down to the ground is you can bleed off all of your airspeed. 0.99

00:09:27.000 That forward motion that's going to fucking kill you. 0.99

00:09:29.000 And as long as you don't fuck up and flare and go back up and then drop like a, you know... 1.00

00:09:33.000 It's kind of like a hockey stop is the way it was described to me. 0.98

00:09:37.000 You just level it out and right as you go to drop, you pull like that.

00:09:40.000 And these guys land them like daisies and stuff.

00:09:42.000 It's really amazing. 1.00

00:09:43.000 I'm not as good as that, but I will do it where, you know, worst case scenario, I might be like, ah, fuck. 0.99

00:09:50.000 Get a little bit of a bump. 0.99

00:09:51.000 Yeah, but I'm going to be all right.

00:09:53.000 So...

00:09:55.000 Yeah, I don't know. 0.98

00:09:56.000 Now there's probably a bunch of people saying, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, which admittedly, you know, I still think there's a lot of shit I need to learn about stand-up. 0.89

00:10:01.000 So as long as you go into things like that, you know... 0.98

00:10:06.000 Well, the fact that you're doing it and the fact that you're learning a new thing that's really difficult to learn, don't you think that that's good for your brain?

00:10:14.000 No, I am a big believer in constantly learning.

00:10:18.000 It's why I like you as a person, because you're constantly...

00:10:22.000 Like, you're not the Joe I knew three years ago in a good way.

00:10:25.000 You're like, you learn all of this.

00:10:27.000 You know, when I first met you, you weren't hunting.

00:10:31.000 You were into martial...

00:10:32.000 That was the thing.

00:10:32.000 You were two-dimensional, which was amazing because everyone was just a comedian.

00:10:36.000 You were this Taekwondo champion stand-up guy.

00:10:40.000 And then since then, you've added all...

00:10:43.000 Like, the guests that you have on and the fact that you're able to, like, talk to them and stuff is because you've continued to, you know...

00:10:50.000 You know, it's the same thing with like a comic who writes his first hour and then just sits on it for like eight years.

00:10:55.000 Yeah.

00:10:56.000 And all of a sudden two presidents goes by and it's like, why aren't they laughing anymore?

00:10:59.000 It's like, because you're just stuck in time.

00:11:01.000 So, yeah, I believe in that and I also believe in playing cards.

00:11:06.000 Card games and stuff is good for you.

00:11:08.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:08.000 Any games.

00:11:09.000 They say even video games. 0.98

00:11:10.000 You know, people like to shit on video games, but they say video games have a positive cognitive effect on kids. 0.99

00:11:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:11:16.000 Because you're calculating and moving, you're thinking fast. 0.99

00:11:18.000 Yeah.

00:11:19.000 Yeah, their hand-eye coordination is insane, I guess.

00:11:21.000 Some of those games, if you play them, I guess.

00:11:24.000 I don't know.

00:11:24.000 Well, you think about the amount of hours they're putting into their thumbs.

00:11:28.000 Just how often do you really use your thumb in detailed ways?

00:11:31.000 Very rarely. 0.66

00:11:32.000 But kids today, they have ridiculous thumb dexterity.

00:11:36.000 I tapped out Grand Theft Auto 3 is when I stopped, which was about 2003, 2002 or something.

00:11:42.000 They were just...

00:11:44.000 Too amazing.

00:11:45.000 And I was just like, I am nowhere in my career right now.

00:11:49.000 And this is just, dude, I was walking around, I was living in New York at the time, and I would stop playing the game.

00:11:54.000 And I would be walking down the street thinking about it.

00:11:57.000 Like what I could walk into the subway, you know, like not thinking about jokes, thinking how I could beat this next level.

00:12:03.000 And I remember I played this Medal of Honor game.

00:12:07.000 And they had this thing when you hit the sniper button, like the scope would go like that and X would go like that.

00:12:12.000 And I played it one day, one week, so much that when I walked out on the street, I was looking at people across the street doing like that, that X that was going on in my face. 0.96

00:12:20.000 I was just like, there's something about like, I already, I'm not the brightest guy, you know, when it comes to like school and shit.

00:12:27.000 So it's just like, I was like, this is doing something to my brain. 0.64

00:12:30.000 So I kind of, I remember when I came home and I just unplugged everything.

00:12:34.000 Really quickly took everything off because I knew I was never going to figure it out and I didn't have the instructions anymore.

00:12:38.000 I just stuck it in the back of the closet.

00:12:41.000 Like, well, that's it.

00:12:42.000 I did the same thing with video games with Quake.

00:12:45.000 I had a real problem when I was playing 8 hours a day, 10 hours a day sometimes.

00:12:50.000 I had a T1 line installed in my house just so I could play with a fast internet connection.

00:12:55.000 This is like 1998. Yeah.

00:12:57.000 It was crazy.

00:12:58.000 I mean, there was slow internet where I was.

00:13:00.000 So I said, well, what's the options? 0.99

00:13:02.000 And so one option is they chew up the street and put this fucking crazy fat business line. 0.99

00:13:06.000 It cost me a shitload of money. 0.99

00:13:07.000 And I was like, let's do it.

00:13:09.000 Wow. 0.99

00:13:09.000 So I had installed a fucking business line that we'd use. 0.99

00:13:13.000 At the time, you'd use for a large building. 0.99

00:13:15.000 Right.

00:13:15.000 And I had it just for my house.

00:13:17.000 And I would play video games online all the time.

00:13:20.000 Wow.

00:13:21.000 You could play online against people for the last 20 years?

00:13:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:25.000 I didn't know that.

00:13:25.000 We'd play online teams.

00:13:27.000 We'd have teams of guys, like me and three of my friends, would play against four other guys, and we'd meet at a certain server, and you could chat and talk to each other.

00:13:37.000 All right, you ready to go?

00:13:38.000 All right, let's go.

00:13:38.000 Three, two, one, go.

00:13:39.000 And then the game will start, and then we'd fucking have these matches. 0.95

00:13:44.000 And it was fun, man. 0.96

00:13:45.000 It was really fun.

00:13:46.000 It was really exciting, too, because it's all happening in real time.

00:13:49.000 Yeah.

00:13:49.000 But I reached a point.

00:13:52.000 Somewhere around like the year 2000, where I know one day I played until it was sunlight, until the sun came up. 0.96

00:14:00.000 And, you know, I'm fucking 30 years old. 0.65

00:14:02.000 And I'm sitting there, my hands are sweating. 0.99

00:14:05.000 I'm all fucking caffeinated up. 0.95

00:14:07.000 I've been drinking Mountain Dew for the past eight hours. 0.97

00:14:10.000 And I realized, like, what am I doing?

00:14:13.000 I'm not where I want to be as a comic.

00:14:15.000 I'm not where I want to be with my life.

00:14:18.000 And I'm just sitting here playing video games all the time and there's no future in this.

00:14:23.000 I've been stuck in things where there's no future before.

00:14:26.000 I know what that is.

00:14:27.000 I felt like that with fighting.

00:14:29.000 When I was 21, there was a point in time where I was like...

00:14:32.000 There's no future in this. 0.99

00:14:33.000 I'm just going to keep getting hit in the head, and I'm going to get dumber and more brain damage and more crazy. 0.99

00:14:38.000 I'm like, this is dangerous. 0.99

00:14:39.000 And I realized, I've got to stop.

00:14:41.000 I've got to stop.

00:14:42.000 There's no future in this.

00:14:43.000 There was no money in fighting back then, either.

00:14:45.000 And then I got there with Poole.

00:14:46.000 Same thing with Poole.

00:14:47.000 My manager called me up, and he said, I think you play pool too much.

00:14:52.000 He's like, I think...

00:14:55.000 He's like, I think that you seriously think about pool more than you do your career.

00:15:00.000 And I respect him, and he's a very good friend of mine, so I didn't take it lightly. 0.99

00:15:06.000 I had to take a deep breath, and I was like, fuck, he's right. 0.99

00:15:08.000 That's right. 0.99

00:15:09.000 I play pool all the time.

00:15:10.000 I was playing every day.

00:15:11.000 I have a real addictive personality.

00:15:14.000 I do too.

00:15:15.000 I do too.

00:15:15.000 So I get like how many hours I want to get flying and then like things I want to learn playing drums and stuff.

00:15:23.000 And then it becomes – I've had to learn to be like, Bill, these are hobbies.

00:15:26.000 Yes, yes.

00:15:27.000 Okay?

00:15:28.000 You're a dad first, then you're a comedian.

00:15:31.000 Let's sort of – The world isn't waiting for you to know how to play good times, bad times.

00:15:36.000 Yeah.

00:15:37.000 That can sit back a little bit.

00:15:39.000 But the fact that you're doing that kind of stuff, I think, is great.

00:15:43.000 I really identify with you in a lot of ways, the way you do that. 0.93

00:15:46.000 Where you get fucking crazy about drums, or you get crazy about helicopters. 0.96

00:15:49.000 Cooking. 0.99

00:15:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:15:50.000 Everything. 0.93

00:15:50.000 I just fucking... 0.93

00:15:51.000 I go down like... 0.98

00:15:53.000 I gotta learn all about, like, everything.

00:15:55.000 I came out here, I got into old cars, and then all of a sudden I was watching this guy, Eric the Car Guy.

00:15:59.000 I found him most fascinating because he would work on, like, cars of today, where you just open the hood, it's like, what is everything, and where the fuck, how do you get it?

00:16:08.000 And he's just taking off all this plastic shit, and just digging all the way down, and he's just like, you know, if you can't remember, just videotape it, just remember how it all goes together. 0.96

00:16:17.000 Dude, one time, I forget what the hell he was changing, but he had to take the whole fucking front end of this car off, To change something that I used to be able to change on my fucking 83 Ford Ranger. 0.98

00:16:28.000 I know that guy. 0.98

00:16:29.000 I know what you're talking about.

00:16:30.000 Yeah.

00:16:31.000 Yeah.

00:16:32.000 He does everything. 0.99

00:16:33.000 Electrical, he does fucking everything. 0.99

00:16:35.000 And I would just sit there. 0.99

00:16:36.000 I watched all of that.

00:16:38.000 I watched all the way back to people rebuilding flathead V8s and what made it a flathead.

00:16:43.000 And I never got any electrical.

00:16:45.000 That always seemed like magic to me.

00:16:46.000 I never... 1.00

00:16:47.000 Got into that shit and I was scared. 1.00

00:16:49.000 Like, oh, you touch it and you get fucking electrocuted. 1.00

00:16:52.000 But I got all into, like, watching... 0.99

00:16:55.000 Like, somebody rebuild an engine.

00:16:57.000 Like, just from the bottom to the top, there just wasn't a lot of...

00:17:02.000 Right. 0.98

00:17:02.000 It was like the crankshaft, and then there was the shit that held on the pistons. 0.98

00:17:06.000 You dropped the pistons in, and then there was the intake manifold, and then there was the big thing, the valves. 0.98

00:17:15.000 Gapping the valves, that seemed like, oh man, if you fuck that up, this thing isn't going to run right.

00:17:19.000 Yeah.

00:17:20.000 And just knowing the firing thing.

00:17:22.000 And I got into like torque wrenches.

00:17:25.000 And I learned how to change brakes on like old school shoe brakes and stuff like that.

00:17:30.000 I got all the right wrenches and all that.

00:17:32.000 I don't know how to adjust them.

00:17:33.000 I know where you do this.

00:17:35.000 There's this little slit in the back of the wheel.

00:17:36.000 And I thought you just put them close to it.

00:17:38.000 It's right up against the drum you're supposed to put them on. 0.98

00:17:41.000 And I got totally into fucking brakes for a while. 0.96

00:17:44.000 I tried to rebuild the carburetor. 0.99

00:17:46.000 Failed miserably because it was really old and I took off too many parts. 0.99

00:17:49.000 It was like warped and shit. 0.99

00:17:50.000 Was that your Dodge, the truck? 1.00

00:17:52.000 No, Ford.

00:17:53.000 It's a Ford.

00:17:53.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:54.000 The brown ones are Ford?

00:17:55.000 Black. 0.93

00:17:55.000 It's black? 0.93

00:17:56.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:56.000 I don't think it was brown.

00:17:57.000 I don't know.

00:17:58.000 What year is that?

00:17:59.000 Like 60?

00:18:00.000 68. It was made...

00:18:02.000 I looked up the VIN number.

00:18:03.000 It was actually made in Canada.

00:18:06.000 Crazy.

00:18:07.000 Really?

00:18:07.000 March of 68. I want to say Toronto or something like that.

00:18:10.000 I guess they had a...

00:18:12.000 A factory up there or whatever.

00:18:13.000 So in March of 1968 that thing rolled off and I think it spent most of its life down south like in Georgia.

00:18:18.000 Did you swap the brakes out for disc brakes?

00:18:21.000 I did.

00:18:23.000 Chris Titus was the one who helped me with that.

00:18:28.000 I did one side, he did the other, but he showed me.

00:18:31.000 I was just doing what he told me to do.

00:18:33.000 So I had all drum brakes and I wanted to keep it all original.

00:18:37.000 But, you know, people were pulling out in front of me like I had disc brakes. 0.95

00:18:41.000 And I'll tell you what's fucking hilarious.

00:18:44.000 When I only had drum brakes, I locked them up one time in front of a bunch of millennials and they've never heard that sound. 0.98

00:18:51.000 Like, fucking, and they all went like that, and all I was doing, I just, you know, the light turned. 0.96

00:18:56.000 You know how fast the yellow lights are out here? 0.99

00:18:58.000 I was kind of an East Coast mindset, like, I can make this. 0.96

00:19:00.000 No, I can't, and I just fucking, I didn't even think I hit them that hard. 0.99

00:19:03.000 I kind of went a little sideways, and then it was fucking hilarious. 0.99

00:19:06.000 It was like this outdoor cafe, and they all looked over, and then I just had to fucking sit there, like, It was almost like that Artie Lang movie when he fucking mooned. 0.96

00:19:14.000 He moons the crowd and the guy gets out and just leaves him there. 0.92

00:19:17.000 He's like, oh, he was supposed to keep going.

00:19:19.000 That's what I felt like.

00:19:20.000 I was actually embarrassed.

00:19:22.000 I probably waved and said, sorry.

00:19:24.000 Those breaks were terrible.

00:19:26.000 It's amazing nobody died.

00:19:27.000 Or more people didn't die, rather.

00:19:29.000 I used to have a 1970 Barracuda that had those kind of breaks.

00:19:33.000 Oh, yeah, I know.

00:19:34.000 I was 71 when I was in high school.

00:19:37.000 And you'd hit the brakes and it would just skid.

00:19:40.000 I mean, there was everything locked up.

00:19:43.000 Anti-lock brakes, one of the greatest inventions ever.

00:19:45.000 Yes. 0.98

00:19:46.000 Fucking incredible invention. 0.99

00:19:47.000 No, I used to drive my truck before I had power steering. 0.99

00:19:51.000 I got put power steering in and air conditioning.

00:19:54.000 Um...

00:19:54.000 It was just basically a farm truck.

00:19:57.000 And it was like no power steering, three on the column, which I still have because I think that's cool. 0.99

00:20:01.000 And I got stuck in the teeth of one night, like the fucking traffic. 0.99

00:20:07.000 I always say it. 0.99

00:20:08.000 I'm driving through the teeth of it.

00:20:09.000 It'd be like between five and seven. 0.99

00:20:11.000 And I was coming from Santa Monica, driving over to the fucking Laugh Factory. 0.96

00:20:15.000 And I literally, by the time I got to the Laugh Factory, I was like tired. 0.95

00:20:19.000 Man, I know I'm an older guy, but just like, When you're at a dead stop, and you're just turning the fucking weight of that, and it's this giant steering wheel to give you leverage. 0.97

00:20:29.000 That's why the fucking thing is so big. 0.98

00:20:32.000 And I was just like, oh my god. 0.99

00:20:34.000 Doing a three-point turn in that, my triceps would be burning.

00:20:37.000 Not in the best shape, but I'm just saying.

00:20:40.000 I gotta make my life a little easier.

00:20:42.000 Well, even my little car, that little red car that I have, that doesn't have any power steering.

00:20:45.000 And when I turn that thing, that car is so light and tiny. 0.96

00:20:48.000 It's fucking hard to turn, though. 0.99

00:20:50.000 Like, when I have to pull into the parking lot of the comedy store and I have to back it up so that I can get out of there quick, it's a pain in the dick. 0.99

00:20:56.000 It's hard. 0.97

00:20:57.000 Three-point turns are not three-point turns.

00:20:59.000 They're like four or five points.

00:21:00.000 Yeah.

00:21:01.000 I wonder if back in the day, because those original cars, they had those little skinny bike tires on it.

00:21:06.000 It was just easier to turn.

00:21:08.000 And as they got, like...

00:21:09.000 Heavier and wider.

00:21:11.000 Well, you know, my Corvette has that modern suspension on it, that 65 Corvette, and it has really wide tires, like the big old steamrollers.

00:21:18.000 Just for a goof, I had the power steering taken off.

00:21:21.000 I'm like, let's see what it's like to have the power steering. 0.98

00:21:23.000 It was fucking horrible. 0.99

00:21:24.000 It was horrible. 0.99

00:21:26.000 You'd get a forearm workout just driving around.

00:21:28.000 Driving on the street?

00:21:28.000 Yeah, you're bouncing around.

00:21:30.000 It was too much.

00:21:30.000 I had to change it back.

00:21:33.000 Yeah.

00:21:34.000 I love old cars, though.

00:21:35.000 There's something about the idea that you could fix it.

00:21:38.000 You could go in there and with a good book or a good video, you can actually fix it.

00:21:42.000 I know a lot of guys who have fixed things.

00:21:44.000 I know guys who have changed their transmission.

00:21:46.000 They've gone in there and swapped their transmission out for a new one.

00:21:49.000 It's just having the balls to take it apart and then the patience...

00:21:55.000 Like, I don't know, you gotta ask for help and like, I just found like, it was just like, and like, ah, I need what tool? 0.99

00:22:01.000 I don't have that fucking tool and you have to order it. 0.86

00:22:03.000 It was really frustrating and that was a quick sort of like rabbit hole I went down. 0.99

00:22:10.000 So I like now that I kind of understand how the whole thing comes together.

00:22:14.000 But yeah, I guess that gets back to the whole going down the rabbit hole thing.

00:22:18.000 There's a guy who's got a great video that you would love.

00:22:21.000 And it's on Petrolicious.

00:22:24.000 And the video is called, I think it's called One Car for Everything.

00:22:30.000 And there's this guy, he's a fiction writer.

00:22:33.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

00:22:33.000 Writes like screenplays and shit. 0.99

00:22:35.000 Never worked on a car in his life. 0.99

00:22:37.000 Decided he wanted to buy an old Porsche.

00:22:38.000 So he bought like a 1971 Porsche. 0.98

00:22:42.000 And didn't know jack shit about cars. 0.89

00:22:45.000 So he starts learning. 0.98

00:22:46.000 One car to do it all.

00:22:47.000 That's it.

00:22:49.000 So this guy... 0.98

00:22:51.000 Puts together this car, and then starts working on it, and then takes his fucking garage and turns his garage into a professional workspace, digs a hole in the ground, puts a lift in, in the floor of his garage, lays cement, 0.98

00:23:06.000 does everything. 0.99

00:23:07.000 Is this guy married?

00:23:08.000 I don't know.

00:23:09.000 It doesn't seem like it, right?

00:23:10.000 Yeah, it doesn't seem like it.

00:23:14.000 What are you going to do with that old car?

00:23:16.000 This is the car.

00:23:17.000 It's a beautiful car.

00:23:18.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

00:23:19.000 I love those old...

00:23:20.000 And that's...

00:23:21.000 You know, my little car is...

00:23:22.000 That's a 71?

00:23:22.000 That looks like a late 70s to me.

00:23:25.000 No, it's a flat hood.

00:23:27.000 The long hood, rather.

00:23:29.000 The long hood models are like 68, 67, 68 to like 73. That's his name, Jack Olsen.

00:23:36.000 It's a really fucking cool video because this is a guy that didn't have any background in it. 0.99

00:23:41.000 That's his fucking garage. 0.99

00:23:41.000 He built all this. 0.99

00:23:42.000 He built the whole garage.

00:23:44.000 And he just decided, look, I'll just slowly get into it and understand it.

00:23:48.000 And he has different arrow.

00:23:50.000 Like, see that giant wing?

00:23:51.000 That's arrow that he puts on only when he's at the racetrack.

00:23:54.000 So he can unbolt it and do it.

00:23:55.000 He uses this car for everything.

00:23:57.000 He uses this car to go get groceries.

00:23:59.000 Oh, yeah.

00:23:59.000 Look at the back end.

00:24:00.000 Yeah, that looks like...

00:24:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:24:02.000 It's a fucking beautiful car. 0.99

00:24:05.000 Those cars are so light, too. 1.00

00:24:07.000 That car's like 2,000, 2,400 pounds.

00:24:08.000 He flared out the fenders, though, right?

00:24:10.000 No.

00:24:11.000 No, the RSR from that era had flared out fenders.

00:24:16.000 Yeah.

00:24:17.000 Wow.

00:24:17.000 Yeah, well, they had to have fat rear fenders and fat rear tires because the engine's in the back and those things snap around when you're taking turns because the balance is way off.

00:24:28.000 Like, the engine is hanging out behind the rear wheels.

00:24:31.000 It's not a mid-engine car, it's a rear-engine car, which is extremely rare.

00:24:35.000 Like, only Porsche really does it. 0.99

00:24:37.000 And so you get something called lift throttle oversteer.

00:24:40.000 When you're in a turn, you have to keep the pedal on.

00:24:43.000 You have to keep the gas going when you're in a turn.

00:24:45.000 If you let off the turn...

00:24:47.000 The momentum, the rear end just pops out and you get oversteer.

00:24:51.000 You spin around in a circle.

00:24:52.000 So they used to call the turbos widow makers because the way they used to have those old cars, they used to have those really shitty tires.

00:25:01.000 He's got new modern compound tires on that thing, so it probably sticks like glue. 1.00

00:25:05.000 But the old tires were dog shit. 1.00

00:25:07.000 They were terrible. 0.99

00:25:08.000 So you'd have this super powerful engine, the weird dynamics where the engine's hanging out behind the axle.

00:25:15.000 I never thought about that.

00:25:16.000 Yeah.

00:25:17.000 Oh, they're so much fun to drive.

00:25:18.000 They're so much fun to drive.

00:25:19.000 They're so engaging.

00:25:20.000 I love taking it to the store because by the time I get to the store, my brain's firing.

00:25:25.000 It's like popping because I've been shifting.

00:25:27.000 It's all mechanical.

00:25:28.000 It's air-cooled.

00:25:30.000 And it's not a very, like that red car is not a very fast car.

00:25:33.000 Like a modern car, like a Tesla is way faster than it.

00:25:37.000 But what it is, is it's alive.

00:25:39.000 It's like you feel the gears. 0.99

00:25:41.000 Like when you're shifting, you put that sucker in a second. 0.96

00:25:47.000 It's just very visceral, you know? 0.95

00:25:50.000 Yeah.

00:25:51.000 I drove a buddy's Tesla one time. 1.00

00:25:53.000 That was fucking ridiculous. 1.00

00:25:54.000 They're so stupid fast. 1.00

00:25:55.000 Yeah, no, my head was tingling like I sent blood rushing to the back. 1.00

00:25:59.000 And he just had the one motor.

00:26:01.000 And every guy I know that has Tesla, a handful, I should say, they all got invited to the factory when they got the motor on the front wheel and the back wheel. 0.91

00:26:10.000 And all of them said no to that car, going, dude, I would fucking die if I got that.

00:26:14.000 It was like... 0.95

00:26:15.000 Almost like superbike motorcycle fast.

00:26:17.000 Yeah.

00:26:18.000 Like a racing motorcycle level fast.

00:26:21.000 It's 0 to 60 in like 2 point something seconds.

00:26:24.000 And then they have that new one, that Roadster that's coming out, that's 1 point something seconds.

00:26:29.000 1 point something seconds, 0 to 60. Yeah, you're in a missile.

00:26:35.000 I mean, it's the only way to put it.

00:26:37.000 Like, God forbid somebody's foot slips off the brake onto the gas.

00:26:41.000 You're going to obliterate a street full of people. 0.99

00:26:44.000 Man, it's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:26:45.000 It is crazy. 1.00

00:26:45.000 It's bad enough somebody does that on a bike. 1.00

00:26:47.000 You can do that on a car with all that weight. 0.99

00:26:49.000 And those Teslas are heavy as shit because of that battery, I guess. 0.97

00:26:51.000 Which I didn't really... 0.99

00:26:52.000 I would think because there was no powertrain or anything that it would be lighter.

00:26:55.000 But I guess that battery is like super heavy. 0.99

00:26:57.000 They're heavy as shit and they don't make any noise. 0.99

00:26:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:59.000 Which is even weirder. 1.00

00:27:00.000 So they're coming at you.

00:27:01.000 You don't even know.

00:27:02.000 Yeah, they're kind of awesome.

00:27:04.000 You know what?

00:27:04.000 I don't like the front end.

00:27:05.000 There's no grill.

00:27:06.000 The front end's boring.

00:27:07.000 It is kind of boring.

00:27:08.000 Kind of boring looking, yeah.

00:27:09.000 But the new one isn't.

00:27:10.000 The Roadster.

00:27:11.000 Have you seen the Roadster?

00:27:12.000 No, I want to see that.

00:27:13.000 Pull up that.

00:27:14.000 Hey, can I promote the Patrice thing? 0.99

00:27:17.000 Yeah, fuck yeah. 0.99

00:27:18.000 What do we got? 1.00

00:27:19.000 It's February 19th.

00:27:21.000 What would this be?

00:27:22.000 Look at this.

00:27:22.000 The 8th annual.

00:27:23.000 Tesla's new emissions testing mode will produce loud, nasty farts on demand.

00:27:28.000 It makes farts?

00:27:28.000 They added a fart app this week.

00:27:30.000 Oh, that's so ridiculous.

00:27:31.000 It's got seven different farts, or six different fart sounds, and then one automatic. 0.94

00:27:35.000 You can set it to different buttons, like a turn signal.

00:27:37.000 So it makes sounds?

00:27:39.000 And then it makes smell, too?

00:27:41.000 No smell.

00:27:41.000 It's just a sound emission.

00:27:43.000 Oh, okay, okay. 1.00

00:27:44.000 That's just stupid. 0.99

00:27:47.000 Anyways, the Patrice O'Neal car that farts. 1.00

00:27:50.000 When is the benefit?

00:27:51.000 February 19th at the New York City Center and what do we got here? 1.00

00:27:55.000 I shut off my damn phone. 0.99

00:27:56.000 We got Michelle Wolf, Jim Gaffigan. 1.00

00:28:02.000 I got it here.

00:28:03.000 I already forget.

00:28:05.000 Cypher Sounds, myself, Rich Voss.

00:28:08.000 It's all coming back here.

00:28:09.000 Big Jay.

00:28:10.000 Big Jay Oakerson, Gary Goldman, Chris Redd. 1.00

00:28:13.000 That's a fucking hell of a lineup. 0.99

00:28:15.000 Yes, sir. 0.99

00:28:15.000 Hell of a lineup. 0.99

00:28:16.000 Yes, sir.

00:28:16.000 Beautiful.

00:28:17.000 We're going to try to add a couple more people to it. 0.94

00:28:18.000 It's at the New York City Center, Tuesday, February 19th.

00:28:22.000 All proceeds go to his family.

00:28:24.000 It's been such a great thing.

00:28:25.000 His mom's been able to get a condo and everything.

00:28:29.000 We basically, with that thing, we take care of everybody that he was taking care of.

00:28:35.000 The mission was basically all his family should have to deal with is the grief.

00:28:39.000 I always think that that's enough.

00:28:41.000 And the reason why we continue to do it every year is because his family members are still alive.

00:28:47.000 And I always hated that when somebody died.

00:28:48.000 It's just, hey, we do one time.

00:28:50.000 Here's a sack of money.

00:28:52.000 Try to make this last for the next 30 to 60 years of your lives.

00:28:56.000 And then also because he was the best stand-up that I ever saw live.

00:29:00.000 And just keeping his name... 0.98

00:29:02.000 You know, I always think that when anytime somebody says, oh, you're one of the top blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I always think, well, you know, Patrice and Hedberg and all of these fucking guys. 0.90

00:29:11.000 Dude, Freddie Soto, what he would have done. 0.94

00:29:13.000 Yeah, I was just thinking about Freddie.

00:29:15.000 I was just thinking about that when you said that, that maybe we should do one of those for Freddie's family.

00:29:19.000 Yeah, Freddie was like...

00:29:20.000 He was brilliant. 1.00

00:29:22.000 Oh, and he would imitate his dad and shit. 1.00

00:29:24.000 Regardless! 1.00

00:29:27.000 No, it was like...

00:29:28.000 Yeah, he would hurt the crowd. 0.99

00:29:31.000 He was a good fucking guy, too. 0.99

00:29:35.000 Yeah, he was. 0.98

00:29:35.000 Every time you saw Freddy Soto, he's all about hugs. 0.98

00:29:39.000 Yeah, he was a good dude.

00:29:40.000 Last time I saw him, we were working in...

00:29:43.000 Remember the Aspen Comedy Festival?

00:29:44.000 Yeah, I remember that.

00:29:46.000 And I didn't see him the last couple years.

00:29:47.000 Maybe I saw him out in L.A., but that was the time that I remembered because we were kind of in the same group, you know, Group B, Group A, or whatever.

00:29:54.000 So...

00:29:55.000 Yeah, he was walking around.

00:29:57.000 I think he was buying something for his wife or his kid or something like that.

00:30:00.000 That one.

00:30:01.000 Jesus.

00:30:02.000 You know, you heard so many.

00:30:03.000 Out of all of them, he was one.

00:30:04.000 I was just like, Freddy?

00:30:06.000 Freddy died?

00:30:07.000 I couldn't believe that.

00:30:08.000 Sleep apnea, apparently.

00:30:09.000 Sleep apnea and pills to go to sleep.

00:30:12.000 You know, take Ambien if you have sleep apnea.

00:30:14.000 You lock up and you just stop breathing. 0.99

00:30:18.000 Sleep apnea is a real fucking problem. 1.00

00:30:19.000 I have it. 1.00

00:30:20.000 I take a mouthpiece.

00:30:21.000 I put a mouthpiece in at night when I go to sleep and it keeps my tongue from falling back on my throat.

00:30:27.000 A lot of athletes have it.

00:30:28.000 The bigger your neck gets, the more muscle tissue you have in your neck, the more it closes off your air hole when you go to sleep.

00:30:35.000 There's a lot of meat in there. 1.00

00:30:36.000 Well, stop doing the neck shit then, dude. 1.00

00:30:38.000 What are you doing? 1.00

00:30:40.000 What are you doing, like a barbell and just tie it to the side of your fucking head? 1.00

00:30:43.000 Who needs neck muscles? 1.00

00:30:44.000 It's a side effect of working out.

00:30:45.000 You just get a big neck.

00:30:47.000 Dude, you do these, no one can strangle you.

00:30:49.000 That is what it is.

00:30:50.000 For real.

00:30:51.000 Well, someone can definitely still strangle you, but it helps a lot.

00:30:55.000 If you get a hold of a regular neck, regular necks just comply.

00:30:59.000 They just give in.

00:30:59.000 Can you please call your next special regular neck?

00:31:05.000 I guarantee no one's going to try and accidentally take that title.

00:31:08.000 That's true!

00:31:09.000 Regular Neck.

00:31:11.000 Regular Neck.

00:31:12.000 Joe Rogan.

00:31:12.000 Regular Neck.

00:31:13.000 It's hard coming up with a good name for a special.

00:31:15.000 Somebody told me you were doing...

00:31:17.000 Are you saying that you're going to do your next one independent?

00:31:19.000 Are you going to do it independent?

00:31:21.000 No, I don't know how I'm going to do it.

00:31:22.000 I'm exploring all the options and all of that.

00:31:25.000 I'm trying...

00:31:27.000 I was trying to figure out a way to, you know, because there's just a ton of specials out there.

00:31:32.000 I was just trying to figure out a way, but I mean, you know...

00:31:35.000 When was the last time you filmed?

00:31:38.000 October 2016. So I'm due.

00:31:41.000 I'm due.

00:31:42.000 But it's like, am I due?

00:31:43.000 I don't know.

00:31:44.000 I don't know.

00:31:45.000 Like, I don't...

00:31:47.000 What it is is the special has changed since you and I started.

00:31:51.000 Yeah.

00:31:52.000 Where a special was special.

00:31:53.000 Now what it is is it's just kind of an hour-long advertisement letting people know that you're still out there.

00:31:59.000 And it's like this just...

00:32:01.000 It documents your stuff, though.

00:32:03.000 Yeah, it does.

00:32:04.000 But there's just such a sheer amount of...

00:32:08.000 Stuff to see.

00:32:10.000 To have an impact the way...

00:32:13.000 I was trying to think.

00:32:14.000 Maybe the last one that really was just like, whoa.

00:32:17.000 And I would say it would be maybe Dave Chappelle killing him softly.

00:32:20.000 Certainly Chris Rock bring the pain.

00:32:22.000 Where it was just like...

00:32:25.000 I'm not saying there weren't ones that people talked about, but just that thing where...

00:32:31.000 Do you remember when we were kids, it was just like, Friday, hey man, see you on Monday.

00:32:36.000 And then somehow on Monday, everybody saw Delirious, or everybody saw Dice.

00:32:41.000 Or everybody saw Sam Kinison on the Dangerfield thing.

00:32:46.000 And it was just like, no one was talking about it.

00:32:49.000 And then just like, there was only so many channels.

00:32:51.000 And that thing just caught enough people's eye.

00:32:54.000 And you came to school Monday and everyone was just talking about it. 0.90

00:32:58.000 Like, you know, I'm still getting fucking tweets from people saying, Hey, I finally got around to watching Breaking Bad. 0.89

00:33:07.000 And it's... 0.98

00:33:09.000 You know what I mean?

00:33:09.000 Or like I was talking about The Wire one time.

00:33:12.000 They're like, dude, you could have said spoiler alert. 0.95

00:33:14.000 It's like, that fucking went off the air in like 2006. Like, how much time do I have to give you to watch it, you know? 0.89

00:33:21.000 So, um...

00:33:22.000 I still haven't seen The Wire.

00:33:24.000 Dude, my buddy, his son, the number one thing that he watches is on his phone, he's watching one of these guys that gets paid to play video games.

00:33:34.000 He watches this guy on his phone play video games.

00:33:38.000 Everybody does that.

00:33:39.000 Okay, so...

00:33:39.000 Super common.

00:33:40.000 Yes.

00:33:41.000 So, now that's another thing to watch.

00:33:43.000 Exactly. 0.99

00:33:44.000 Forget about online porn and fucking me watching Eric the Car Guy and all that. 1.00

00:33:48.000 Trying to, like... 0.99

00:33:51.000 Find where you can drop the pamphlets of your career, basically, to be like, hey man, I'm still around.

00:33:59.000 I think there's definitely more content now than ever before, but in terms of the amount of stand-up that's available, there's never been more great stand-up available to watch.

00:34:09.000 Yeah.

00:34:09.000 Think about how many specials there are now.

00:34:11.000 I mean, it's fucking crazy. 0.96

00:34:13.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:34:14.000 It really is.

00:34:15.000 It is.

00:34:17.000 Yeah, so they're not really specials.

00:34:20.000 They're not specials.

00:34:21.000 They're not specials because specials used to be the top comics.

00:34:27.000 Now, arguably, it was basically the top white male comics.

00:34:30.000 So the fact that they fixed that is a great thing.

00:34:33.000 Was it, though?

00:34:34.000 I mean, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Damon Wayans.

00:34:37.000 Yeah, dude, there was a lot of white guys.

00:34:39.000 There was a lot of white guys, but there was a lot of great black guys, too.

00:34:43.000 The real problem was women. 1.00

00:34:44.000 There wasn't very many women. 1.00

00:34:46.000 I mean, there's like, women are like three specials. 1.00

00:34:48.000 There's Asians, there's Apaches, there's other people out there doing stand-up specials.

00:34:52.000 Apaches?

00:34:53.000 Apaches are doing stand-up?

00:34:54.000 There's gotta be.

00:34:55.000 Anyways, but what I'm saying was, but it was the best of the best, where now it's just everybody, it's everybody.

00:35:03.000 Right, right.

00:35:03.000 So like, I remember when it was changing, I was doing a club, and And the feature act was complaining that he didn't get a half-hour special on one of these networks.

00:35:13.000 And I'm thinking, like, you're a feature act.

00:35:16.000 Like, what are you going to do?

00:35:18.000 You're going to do your whole act?

00:35:19.000 And you're still a feature and you want to document that?

00:35:22.000 And it's just like...

00:35:23.000 They used to give out half-hour specials when I started out, and it was to guys who had been on the road for 15 years, and they were picking from their headlining hour.

00:35:34.000 They were taking half of that, like the best bits from an hour, and that somehow, through time...

00:35:40.000 Just became a feature going up and doing his whole act.

00:35:43.000 Well, Netflix is doing that now.

00:35:44.000 They have the Degenerate special. 0.51

00:35:46.000 They have...

00:35:47.000 Big Jay did one.

00:35:48.000 Joey Diaz did one.

00:35:49.000 Christina Positsky did one.

00:35:52.000 I'm not saying it's bad.

00:35:53.000 I'm just saying it's changed.

00:35:55.000 Right.

00:35:55.000 So because it's even changed since my last special that I put out, my last advertisement that I put out, hour-long advertising.

00:36:05.000 So you just try to figure out...

00:36:07.000 Because everything's just fucking changing so fast, you're just trying to navigate, like, where can I put this in all of this that it's going to blink enough that someone's going to stare at it and maybe, like, watch the thing. 0.85

00:36:18.000 I just noticed your fucking lights with the sky. 0.95

00:36:20.000 That's pretty cool. 0.99

00:36:20.000 Pretty cool, right? 0.99

00:36:21.000 Yes.

00:36:23.000 What's the company that makes those?

00:36:25.000 Octolights?

00:36:25.000 Shout out to Octolights.

00:36:27.000 Yeah, um...

00:36:30.000 Gaffigan did an interesting thing.

00:36:31.000 He decided not to put his newest one on Netflix.

00:36:34.000 He puts it on everything.

00:36:35.000 It's on Hulu and Amazon.

00:36:37.000 You can get it on iTunes, but not Netflix.

00:36:40.000 Yeah, he's a smart guy.

00:36:41.000 Well, he just took a chance, I guess.

00:36:43.000 You know, just decided to see what happens if you just make it available everywhere instead.

00:36:49.000 Yeah.

00:36:49.000 I'd like to talk to him, see how successful that was.

00:36:53.000 Yeah, because I'm still working out my strategy.

00:36:55.000 I'll talk to you off air about it because it fucks with my ability to make something happen.

00:37:01.000 So I'll tell you what my idea was that got nixed.

00:37:07.000 I've thought about doing it and just put it right on YouTube.

00:37:09.000 I've thought about doing that before.

00:37:11.000 Just not getting paid for it, just shoving it right on YouTube.

00:37:14.000 Just see what happens.

00:37:17.000 Yeah, just paying for it and just sticking it out there.

00:37:20.000 Because if it is an advertisement, what's the best way to get it out there?

00:37:24.000 Well, the best way would just be to put it on YouTube.

00:37:25.000 And then to segment it into little chunks so that people could digest it in bits.

00:37:31.000 People wind up doing that.

00:37:33.000 I don't think Netflix takes them down.

00:37:35.000 I think when you have bits up from specials that go up on Netflix, I think Netflix just lets them stay up.

00:37:43.000 It just depends on what your...

00:37:46.000 What your contract is, because you can work that in.

00:37:49.000 We did a special with Paul Verzi, All Things Comedy Network.

00:37:53.000 We did a special with him, which did phenomenal, like broke all their online streaming records.

00:38:02.000 And it was great because he was a guy that they don't really give special to right now.

00:38:06.000 Who did he do the special for?

00:38:08.000 Comedy Central.

00:38:09.000 Oh, nice.

00:38:10.000 So the streaming version was really successful.

00:38:13.000 Yeah, I mean, he did well on... 0.98

00:38:16.000 Well, now, trying to get people to actually just fucking sit down and watch television. 0.88

00:38:20.000 Like, everybody... 1.00

00:38:20.000 You tape shit. 1.00

00:38:22.000 That's just how it works. 0.99

00:38:23.000 Which is now, if you watch NFL games, they have this thing now where the game's going on and all of a sudden the game slides to the left and then there's two boxes and the advertising box is bigger because they know that everybody's taping games and they're blowing through it And advertisers somehow can tell if someone fast-forwarded through and then the NFL doesn't make as much money,

00:38:43.000 so now they're running like this.

00:38:46.000 It's weird.

00:38:46.000 There's these two things.

00:38:47.000 So you don't really have to look at the commercial. 0.98

00:38:49.000 You can just sit there looking at the game, but then they're telling you about fucking whatever. 0.99

00:38:53.000 At the same time. 0.96

00:38:54.000 Yeah, it's weird.

00:38:55.000 That's gross.

00:38:57.000 It's gross, but is it?

00:38:58.000 I mean, that's how, you know, I make money off advertising. 0.99

00:39:00.000 It's like, my thing, what's gross is how you're, you know, if you're dumping shit in the water supply, if you got, like, all kinds of, like, you know, I mean, I think they all have some sort of labor fucking issues. 0.98

00:39:14.000 I would like to be able to pay. 0.98

00:39:15.000 I would like to be able to pay to not have that.

00:39:17.000 Like, if I could Amazon one-click them, like, how much I gotta give you for each game?

00:39:22.000 Well, I don't have to see that.

00:39:24.000 Yeah, but they'll give you five bucks. 0.97

00:39:26.000 But what the advertisers will do is their pockets are deeper and they're going to go big.

00:39:32.000 What's funny is when the internet started out, all of a sudden you went from seeing all these commercials to nothing to now seeing way more than you ever saw.

00:39:41.000 Yeah.

00:39:42.000 The worst is when you're watching a long YouTube video and then all of a sudden it just stops.

00:39:47.000 And, you know, they try to make a nice break, and then you just watch this.

00:39:50.000 And it annoys me, but I'm like, well, I do advertise on my podcast.

00:39:53.000 How upset about this can I get?

00:39:57.000 You know, I don't know. 0.97

00:39:58.000 You know when you look at the line, and you see those little yellow lines on the YouTube video where you know that's where the fucking ads are going to pop up? 0.94

00:40:05.000 Like, oh, there it is. 0.96

00:40:06.000 No, I didn't know that.

00:40:07.000 Yeah.

00:40:07.000 Isn't that how it works?

00:40:08.000 Yeah.

00:40:09.000 Yeah.

00:40:10.000 Yeah, I mean, look, advertising is what it is.

00:40:13.000 I mean, it's either that or you do like a Patreon-type deal where you have people contribute.

00:40:19.000 Like, Sam Harris does that.

00:40:20.000 Right.

00:40:22.000 There's a million ways to do it, but I don't get mad at advertising because, like I said, a stand-up special is me advertising that I'm going to be out on the road.

00:40:28.000 You say that, but it's not.

00:40:30.000 It's entertainment.

00:40:31.000 People that watch it, they can enjoy it.

00:40:33.000 No one's thinking about it that way.

00:40:35.000 But there's a way also to do advertising entertainingly. 0.96

00:40:38.000 Way back, those Les Filling Tastes Great, Miller-like commercials were fucking great. 0.93

00:40:42.000 Funny. 0.98

00:40:43.000 They were great.

00:40:43.000 And you wanted to see them, and you loved them.

00:40:46.000 Or at least I did.

00:40:48.000 There's ways to do everything.

00:40:50.000 They still have some good commercials.

00:40:51.000 What's that insurance lady who's always in those commercials? 1.00

00:40:54.000 What is that?

00:40:55.000 Flow.

00:40:55.000 Yeah, Flo.

00:40:57.000 She's fucking funny. 0.98

00:40:58.000 There's some funny commercials still. 0.99

00:41:00.000 But it's, you know, it's hard.

00:41:01.000 I know Seinfeld was actually thinking about opening up an insurance agency at one point in time.

00:41:06.000 Because he apparently likes writing stuff like that.

00:41:08.000 And he was literally thinking about...

00:41:10.000 Oh, an advertising agency.

00:41:11.000 What did I say?

00:41:12.000 Insurance?

00:41:12.000 Insurance, yeah.

00:41:13.000 Yeah, advertising.

00:41:14.000 He was thinking about doing that at one point in time.

00:41:16.000 Yeah.

00:41:17.000 About making ads.

00:41:18.000 Then he was probably like, wait a minute, I don't want to have a real job.

00:41:20.000 Yeah, I was like, how much money do I need?

00:41:21.000 Yeah.

00:41:23.000 At a certain point in time.

00:41:26.000 Guys like that make me feel normal with car collecting.

00:41:29.000 Like when I went to Jay Leno's place, he's got 11 buildings filled with cars.

00:41:32.000 I'm like, oh, okay.

00:41:34.000 I see where this goes.

00:41:35.000 Yes.

00:41:36.000 I've got to give myself a number.

00:41:37.000 I've never been over there, but he has enough cars to start his own traffic jam.

00:41:42.000 He could fill up the 405, one side of it, I would think.

00:41:44.000 He could fill up the Pasadena Rose Bowl. 1.00

00:41:46.000 He could fill up the fucking parking lot. 1.00

00:41:48.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:41:49.000 I'll take you. 0.69

00:41:49.000 You want to go? 0.69

00:41:50.000 Yeah, but I'm... 1.00

00:41:51.000 Fuck, you'd love it. 1.00

00:41:52.000 Does he have... 1.00

00:41:53.000 Bring your truck.

00:41:53.000 Does he have more cars than days of the year?

00:41:59.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:00.000 Because I know he also has, like, motorcycles.

00:42:02.000 Oh, he's got...

00:42:03.000 He's got hundreds of cars.

00:42:04.000 That's another one.

00:42:05.000 That's another one I went down the rabbit hole is...

00:42:07.000 Was it Jay's Garage?

00:42:09.000 Yeah.

00:42:10.000 Great show.

00:42:10.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:11.000 I loved it.

00:42:11.000 No, I... Yeah, I got into all the Gas Monkey Garage, Jay's Garage...

00:42:17.000 I'm getting that Gas Monkey guy on the show.

00:42:19.000 Oh, Richard Rawlings.

00:42:20.000 Yeah, I just got an email yesterday. 1.00

00:42:22.000 Oh, dude, that guy's a fucking riot. 0.99

00:42:25.000 I love that guy. 0.99

00:42:26.000 Ask him about my favorite episode. 0.99

00:42:29.000 My favorite fucking episode of that. 0.99

00:42:32.000 Because he always, like, I watched that show so much, I knew the number he was going to come at. 0.99

00:42:36.000 Like, they'd be like, okay, what do you want for this guy?

00:42:38.000 And he'd always get them to say it first.

00:42:40.000 And they'd be like, I mean, I was thinking like five grand.

00:42:45.000 And then he'd be like, oh, man, he's five grand, man.

00:42:48.000 I can't.

00:42:48.000 I mean, I mean.

00:42:49.000 I could do like $2,700, right? 0.99

00:42:54.000 And then the fucking guy would then go down to $4,000 and he would come up like $300. 0.99

00:42:59.000 And he'd end up getting in the car for like $3,000. 1.00

00:43:01.000 Like whatever the fuck you wanted, right? 0.98

00:43:02.000 So one time, he went out and he busted this guy down on like an old Trans Am or a Firebird or some shit. 0.99

00:43:08.000 I forget what. 0.99

00:43:10.000 The guy sells it to him for like fucking... 0.99

00:43:12.000 He wanted like $18,000 or something. 0.99

00:43:14.000 He sold it to him for like $11,000. 0.98

00:43:17.000 So he fucking gets the car over there. 0.98

00:43:18.000 He's talking about what he's going to do with it. 0.99

00:43:20.000 And all of a sudden, the guy's brother calls up and says, hey, that guy didn't have the fucking right to sell that car. 0.95

00:43:26.000 That's also mine. 0.95

00:43:27.000 You got to, you know, I'm going to come down.

00:43:29.000 I got to buy it back from you.

00:43:31.000 So the guy comes down and he's, you know, asking what he wants for it.

00:43:35.000 And Richard's just like, I mean, I was thinking like 20. And the guy goes, he goes, dude, you bought it for my brother.

00:43:41.000 I know what you paid for it.

00:43:42.000 He actually got embarrassed.

00:43:43.000 He's like, oh, man, that's all right.

00:43:45.000 It's the only time I ever saw him get embarrassed.

00:43:48.000 He just went into his thing.

00:43:51.000 I swear to God, watching that show, you get better at negotiating.

00:43:58.000 Occasionally, he does these sketches, too, where he'll do a character imitating an old-school used car salesman.

00:44:05.000 How good he does it.

00:44:06.000 Yeah.

00:44:08.000 Because, you know, it's not like he's a performer or an actor or anything.

00:44:10.000 How good he does it, it's like this guy is like...

00:44:12.000 This is just in his blood.

00:44:13.000 He's just been a car guy.

00:44:14.000 He's been flipping cars.

00:44:16.000 I'm trying to...

00:44:17.000 I haven't seen the show in a minute, but he used to talk about how he...

00:44:21.000 By the time he was like 19, he was on his 30th car or something.

00:44:25.000 He was just like, I like that car.

00:44:27.000 I'm going to buy this car.

00:44:28.000 I like that one.

00:44:28.000 And every month would just flip them.

00:44:31.000 Those cars...

00:44:32.000 There's something about those shows that...

00:44:35.000 Those in auction shows or any time like pawn shop shows, there's something about wanting to know how the deal plays out.

00:44:44.000 That is so compelling for people. 0.99

00:44:47.000 And I'm a moron. 0.99

00:44:48.000 I'll just sit there staring like, how much are they going to get? 1.00

00:44:51.000 How much are they going to get for that?

00:44:52.000 Yeah.

00:44:52.000 Look at that, Civil War coins?

00:44:54.000 What are those worth?

00:44:55.000 And how much they bust him down and just like, yeah, I mean, that guy, Richard's probably the best I've seen.

00:45:00.000 He's the most entertaining because he's like a fun guy to watch.

00:45:03.000 It's a performance.

00:45:04.000 Yeah.

00:45:05.000 He's like, oh, man, I mean, I was thinking, oh, man, I don't know.

00:45:09.000 Yeah, and then he goes up there and he pulls out this giant wad.

00:45:11.000 It's like, dude, you had it.

00:45:12.000 You had the money.

00:45:13.000 And the other guy has to sit there and watch it.

00:45:15.000 Then he kind of makes fun of him afterwards.

00:45:18.000 Yeah.

00:45:19.000 In a funny way or whatever.

00:45:23.000 It's a funny thing, too, how appealing that is to men.

00:45:27.000 I bet if you looked at the number of women who watch those car shows versus the number of men. 1.00

00:45:32.000 Motor Trend has a channel now.

00:45:34.000 They have their own channel.

00:45:35.000 And I guarantee you, that is 97% dudes and 3% women complaining. 1.00

00:45:40.000 3% women going, what the fuck are you watching? 1.00

00:45:43.000 If you looked at the actual numbers, what is it about cars? 0.99

00:45:47.000 Girls can drive cars. 0.99

00:45:49.000 Girls drive cars all the time. 1.00

00:45:50.000 Girls like cars. 1.00

00:45:51.000 They don't like cars the way guys like cars.

00:45:53.000 It's just most of them.

00:45:55.000 Generally speaking, yeah.

00:45:56.000 Outside of Danica Patrick and a few psychos.

00:45:58.000 Yeah.

00:45:59.000 I met her one time.

00:46:01.000 Yeah, I saw a picture with you.

00:46:02.000 Yeah, she did.

00:46:02.000 She took me around the Indianapolis Motor Speedways.

00:46:04.000 No!

00:46:05.000 Coming down that straightaway and seeing where they have the leaderboard and everything was iconic.

00:46:09.000 And I've been to that race a couple of times.

00:46:11.000 So it was crazy.

00:46:13.000 How fast were you going?

00:46:14.000 She only went like half the speed of what the car, how fast they would be going or something.

00:46:21.000 We got up to maybe like 140, but we were going around turns and my face was doing this.

00:46:25.000 But what I loved about her...

00:46:28.000 She had like test pilot vibe.

00:46:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:32.000 Like she came up and it was just vice, like handshake and shit. 1.00

00:46:36.000 She's a beast. 1.00

00:46:36.000 Yeah, it was pretty... 1.00

00:46:38.000 Look at this!

00:46:39.000 There you guys are.

00:46:40.000 Yeah, she was just totally like...

00:46:42.000 Look at the difference of her sunglasses and my sunglasses. 0.63

00:46:45.000 I definitely look...

00:46:46.000 I have passenger sunglasses, you know?

00:46:47.000 What are you talking about?

00:46:48.000 They look the same.

00:46:49.000 No, no, no. 1.00

00:46:50.000 Those are like right off the fucking shelf. 1.00

00:46:52.000 What's wrong with your sunglasses versus hers? 1.00

00:46:54.000 You'll see it.

00:46:56.000 It's all in the details.

00:46:57.000 Come on, man.

00:46:57.000 It's like me, you know...

00:46:59.000 I probably, you know, your crescent kick probably looks the same as fucking some guy in a strip mall to me. 0.99

00:47:03.000 That's hilarious you say crescent kick. 0.99

00:47:05.000 That's one of the rarest kicks that anybody ever pulls off.

00:47:08.000 It's leftover from the 80s.

00:47:09.000 Whatever.

00:47:11.000 It's kind of legit.

00:47:13.000 Crescent kick's kind of legit.

00:47:14.000 My only thing about Mecham is after a while it just all becomes like Shelby.

00:47:18.000 Mecham auctions, yeah.

00:47:18.000 Yeah, and Hemi's.

00:47:21.000 Hemicuda! 0.99

00:47:21.000 We got a Hemicuda coming up in plum crazy! 0.99

00:47:24.000 Those fucking things are too much. 0.99

00:47:25.000 You buy those things for a million dollars, and when their car came out, it was like 20 grand. 1.00

00:47:30.000 I mean, not even. 1.00

00:47:31.000 But I like weird shit. 1.00

00:47:33.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:47:33.000 I want to get a 76 GMC RV. That's what I want to go on the road with. 0.99

00:47:39.000 Then they had this thing.

00:47:41.000 I think it was called Palm Desert Green or something like that.

00:47:44.000 It was like this total Ron Burgundy...

00:47:47.000 Look at that!

00:47:48.000 Yeah, look at that thing. 0.99

00:47:49.000 Click on the interior, dude.

00:47:50.000 And that thing was way ahead of its time.

00:47:52.000 Way ahead of its time.

00:47:53.000 That's amazing. 1.00

00:47:55.000 Look at that fucking piece of shit. 1.00

00:47:57.000 That's not a piece of shit. 1.00

00:47:58.000 That's fucking tremendous. 1.00

00:48:00.000 Look at the captain's chair, dude. 1.00

00:48:02.000 They swivel!

00:48:04.000 Oh my god.

00:48:04.000 Dude, let me tell you something.

00:48:05.000 You walk off stage and get on that fucking thing? 1.00

00:48:08.000 You feel like a king. 1.00

00:48:09.000 You got a driver? 1.00

00:48:10.000 What do you give a fuck? 1.00

00:48:13.000 You don't give a fuck about anything. 1.00

00:48:14.000 I could be on the road forever in that. 0.99

00:48:16.000 Just making eggs on that little stovetop?

00:48:18.000 No, you're in there drinking.

00:48:20.000 You're doing what you want.

00:48:21.000 You're watching Goodfellas. 1.00

00:48:22.000 They're fucking Anchorman. 0.99

00:48:23.000 That is pretty beautiful. 0.99

00:48:26.000 Well, it's an experience, too.

00:48:27.000 You're riding that thing.

00:48:28.000 That's a retro experience.

00:48:30.000 That's not just a truck.

00:48:32.000 Yeah.

00:48:34.000 My wife nixed it.

00:48:35.000 She's like, where are you going to put it? 0.99

00:48:37.000 I was like, oh, the fucking driver will keep it. 0.99

00:48:40.000 I don't need it. 1.00

00:48:41.000 She was right.

00:48:42.000 My wife's always right.

00:48:43.000 Not always, but mostly. 1.00

00:48:44.000 Women don't like when you collect shit. 1.00

00:48:46.000 Like, where are you going to put that? 1.00

00:48:48.000 They don't like that.

00:48:49.000 You get too many things.

00:48:50.000 That's half the reason why I got this place. 0.99

00:48:53.000 Collect shit here. 0.99

00:48:54.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:48:55.000 Nobody can say nothing.

00:48:56.000 This spot, no one says nothing.

00:48:58.000 No, but then it becomes, you spend more time down there than you do up here.

00:49:02.000 I don't, though.

00:49:03.000 I got it nailed.

00:49:05.000 I figured it out.

00:49:06.000 Get up early. 1.00

00:49:07.000 You're being such a jerk. 1.00

00:49:10.000 That's why they don't have a point. 1.00

00:49:12.000 I don't.

00:49:13.000 I can actually refute your opinion.

00:49:15.000 Your point, or whatever.

00:49:16.000 It's so universal, too.

00:49:18.000 All women have that response. 1.00

00:49:20.000 Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

00:49:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:49:24.000 They only had a highway.

00:49:25.000 Yeah.

00:49:26.000 That's it.

00:49:27.000 Well, imagine being them, watching you.

00:49:29.000 Imagine being a woman, taking care of your children. 1.00

00:49:32.000 You know, you give birth.

00:49:33.000 You get this little tiny infant. 1.00

00:49:34.000 And then, financially, you're relying on this fucking maniac who's out there flying helicopters and fixing cars and playing drums all day. 0.99

00:49:43.000 He's like, what are you... 0.99

00:49:44.000 As long as the money keeps coming in, they can't say anything. 1.00

00:49:47.000 But they're like, what the fuck are you doing? 0.99

00:49:49.000 At the end of the day, you married an eight-year-old. 1.00

00:49:51.000 Yeah.

00:49:53.000 You want to marry a comedian? 1.00

00:49:55.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 0.85

00:49:57.000 You're lucky we don't have drug addicts.

00:50:00.000 Yeah.

00:50:01.000 Yeah.

00:50:01.000 No, I'm...

00:50:02.000 I gotta work on myself, man. 0.99

00:50:05.000 I gotta fucking... 0.99

00:50:06.000 I am a difficult person to live with, evidently. 0.99

00:50:12.000 I didn't realize it, but I'm now looking at it honestly, stepping back and looking.

00:50:16.000 I go, yeah, I can see that. 0.99

00:50:18.000 I can fucking see that. 0.98

00:50:19.000 Yeah, I've thought about it. 0.98

00:50:20.000 I'm definitely difficult.

00:50:22.000 Well, if you don't think about it, they'll remind you about it.

00:50:24.000 Yeah.

00:50:24.000 But I mean, I would just imagine relying on me.

00:50:28.000 I mean, I'm reliable.

00:50:29.000 Like, I'm not... 0.99

00:50:31.000 I want to be like, look, if you could have married the me that worked in a fucking warehouse, then I would have been the same thing, you know? 0.99

00:50:37.000 And we would be in a fucking studio apartment. 0.99

00:50:39.000 Here's the deal, though. 1.00

00:50:40.000 They wouldn't have married you.

00:50:42.000 Huh?

00:50:42.000 They would have found someone better.

00:50:44.000 Yeah.

00:50:46.000 Yeah.

00:50:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:50:47.000 If you were just fucking off, never got your shit together. 1.00

00:50:50.000 No, you know what it is about women, too, is their ability to move on. 1.00

00:50:52.000 Yeah.

00:50:53.000 Woo! 0.99

00:50:53.000 Like, I've always said, like, if I ever fucking died, how quickly all my clothes would be down at the Goodwill, you know? 0.99

00:50:59.000 And she'd just be like, you know, sell the house, let's just burn some sage. 1.00

00:51:03.000 Yeah.

00:51:03.000 That was interesting.

00:51:04.000 All right.

00:51:05.000 Well, all my- Next up to the plate.

00:51:08.000 All my discussions with biologists and people who study, like, what's Gadsad's, what is his discipline?

00:51:16.000 Behavioral psychology.

00:51:18.000 But he studies, you know, motivation.

00:51:20.000 His name is Gadsad?

00:51:21.000 Is that his last name or is his full name?

00:51:23.000 S-A-A-D. G-A-D. That's his first name, Gad.

00:51:26.000 S-A-A-D is his last name.

00:51:29.000 Does it rhyme?

00:51:31.000 Does it also rhyme?

00:51:31.000 Lebanese-Canadian-evolutionary-behavioral-scientist.

00:51:34.000 Brilliant guy.

00:51:35.000 He was on the podcast yesterday.

00:51:35.000 So in Lebanon, does his name still rhyme?

00:51:37.000 That's a good question.

00:51:38.000 Is there anywhere he can go?

00:51:41.000 My name's Gadsad.

00:51:42.000 No.

00:51:43.000 He calls himself the Gadfather.

00:51:46.000 He's a great guy.

00:51:47.000 Oh, so he just steered into it.

00:51:49.000 He's a great guy.

00:51:50.000 I can imagine when he was 13. But brilliant when he's talking about...

00:51:53.000 My last name's Sad!

00:51:54.000 Why would you name me Gad, Mom?

00:51:57.000 Gad, sad.

00:51:58.000 I don't think sad means the same thing over there.

00:52:00.000 You know?

00:52:01.000 Different language.

00:52:02.000 At the end of the day, it rhymes.

00:52:04.000 There's no country you can be on. 1.00

00:52:05.000 You could be on that fucking little island where they shot that guy with the arrows and they're going to make fun of you. 0.99

00:52:10.000 It's true. 1.00

00:52:10.000 They'll probably kick you off the island. 1.00

00:52:11.000 Yeah.

00:52:12.000 You can't name your kids. 0.99

00:52:13.000 Some of these celebrities, some of the fucking names they name their kids, it's just like, don't you remember school? 0.99

00:52:17.000 You don't remember how fucking mean kids were? 1.00

00:52:20.000 Why are you painting a fucking... 1.00

00:52:24.000 I get it. 1.00

00:52:24.000 You're creative. 1.00

00:52:26.000 Yeah.

00:52:27.000 Have a meditation room. 0.99

00:52:28.000 Fucking don't do that with the name. 0.99

00:52:30.000 I know. 0.99

00:52:30.000 Give him a nice Bill name. 0.99

00:52:32.000 William.

00:52:33.000 This is Folding Chair Johnson.

00:52:37.000 People need to express themselves.

00:52:40.000 They do it through the naming of their children. 0.99

00:52:42.000 My other favorite thing that they do is when they fucking... 1.00

00:52:44.000 They put their political agenda on them. 1.00

00:52:47.000 Like, the kid doesn't even have a fucking chance. 0.99

00:52:49.000 Like, this whole thing, like, uh... 0.99

00:52:51.000 Gender roles. 1.00

00:52:53.000 Babies.

00:52:53.000 By the way, that...

00:52:55.000 My little experience being a dad going to kid birthday parties, those kids are not old enough for that behavior to be learned. 0.99

00:53:04.000 Dude, the kids come, the boys show up, it is fucking Braveheart. 1.00

00:53:08.000 They come over the fucking hill. 1.00

00:53:10.000 The girls are social. 1.00

00:53:13.000 They're sitting there, they're kind of, they're taking things in. 1.00

00:53:16.000 You know, the kids, boys come and they fucking... 0.99

00:53:19.000 Dude, we were at one on Saturday... 0.99

00:53:22.000 And there was this kid who's hilarious.

00:53:24.000 He looked like a little Bobby Hurley.

00:53:25.000 He was a point guard, right?

00:53:27.000 And he was playing this game.

00:53:29.000 He had, like, this ball.

00:53:29.000 And he was using his, like, forearms as a bat.

00:53:32.000 And he was hitting it.

00:53:33.000 Then he would catch it.

00:53:34.000 Then he would throw it between his legs.

00:53:35.000 And he was doing all this.

00:53:35.000 This kid's hand-eye coordination was great for his age.

00:53:38.000 So over in the corner where I was sitting with my daughter was these, like, little, like, sort of, like, cushions that someone had put together.

00:53:44.000 Like, three-piece thing.

00:53:45.000 And made it into, like, a little chair so an old person like me could sit down.

00:53:48.000 So I stood up because I was worried the ball was going to hit.

00:53:51.000 So I was kind of guarding that.

00:53:52.000 So he went over and grabbed the ball at one point and just seeing the chair there, you know, all built like that, he just saw it and just kicked it and just destroyed it and then continued on.

00:54:01.000 I was thinking like, why did he do that?

00:54:04.000 Because he's a boy.

00:54:04.000 He's a boy, yeah.

00:54:05.000 We like ruin shit. 1.00

00:54:07.000 Well, you got a lot of energy. 1.00

00:54:09.000 Little kids need something to do that's physical.

00:54:13.000 Their little bodies have their little batteries overflowing with energy.

00:54:16.000 You got to give them stuff to do. 1.00

00:54:18.000 I'm just saying that their shit was all about grabbing, throwing, breaking. 0.99

00:54:22.000 Smashing, yeah. 1.00

00:54:23.000 Breaking.

00:54:24.000 Yeah, do you remember being a kid?

00:54:25.000 Yeah.

00:54:25.000 Everybody did that.

00:54:26.000 It's normal.

00:54:27.000 This whole thing of like, well, women aren't aggressive like that. 1.00

00:54:31.000 Because, you know...

00:54:32.000 Society standards.

00:54:33.000 Yeah, I think it's...

00:54:34.000 They're aggressive in like... 0.99

00:54:36.000 I think that they literally from like just survival shit. 0.99

00:54:39.000 They're looking at like, alright, that's what I have to compete with. 0.99

00:54:41.000 And there are...

00:54:42.000 You see them looking at the boys.

00:54:45.000 Who appear to be dominating.

00:54:47.000 And what they are is they're actually showing all of their cards.

00:54:51.000 And the little girls are already taking it in, breaking them down.

00:54:55.000 Knowing, well, I can't get physical with this person.

00:54:57.000 I can't, like, dominate this person physically.

00:54:59.000 This is definitely... 0.99

00:55:00.000 And they just immediately start going like, that's why they're fucking smarter than we are. 0.99

00:55:03.000 I think. 1.00

00:55:05.000 No?

00:55:09.000 Did I lose you somewhere in that?

00:55:11.000 I don't necessarily think they're smarter.

00:55:14.000 I think what's going on is that men have different DNA and the genes are aggressive. 1.00

00:55:22.000 And men are supposed to be doing reckless shit. 1.00

00:55:24.000 Right. 1.00

00:55:25.000 I'm just saying it's not society didn't sit down.

00:55:28.000 No, it's not. 0.99

00:55:28.000 They didn't watch three serial commercials and then be like, oh, I need to be fucking this. 0.99

00:55:34.000 I just think that's... 1.00

00:55:35.000 That's just some bullshit that adults came up with. 1.00

00:55:41.000 It's not just adults. 1.00

00:55:42.000 It's almost always women. 1.00

00:55:43.000 It's women that think that there's something wrong with the way men are raising their sons. 1.00

00:55:48.000 They think there's something like this idea of these men...

00:55:53.000 Raising these kids these kids being aggressive is because the way they've been coached. 0.90

00:55:56.000 That's not true It's just that's just a part of being a boy There's a shit ton of studies if people wanted to actually look at the science If you leave boys alone with toys and girls alone with toys boys will gravitate towards trucks and fucking You know things that they can hit and smash and girls sit down there with little teacups and they play with dolls It's natural. 0.90

00:56:15.000 It's just a hundred percent natural There was a documentary on theybes.

00:56:20.000 Theybes are gender neutral, raising their kids gender neutral so they don't call them a boy or a girl.

00:56:26.000 And my thing with that is there's no way you're not saying to your son, you're sure you don't want to wear the dress?

00:56:32.000 And then the kid wants the parents' approval.

00:56:36.000 Yeah, I didn't want that football.

00:56:38.000 I guess I wanted the dress.

00:56:41.000 And it's just like, like I said... 0.99

00:56:43.000 You know, my kid's barely two, so what the fuck do I know? 0.96

00:56:46.000 I'm just saying my limited experience at kids' birthday parties is... 0.96

00:56:51.000 It's not even... 0.99

00:56:52.000 How it was ever even questioned that, like, they're too fucking... 0.99

00:56:57.000 Too young. 0.99

00:56:58.000 They're fucking year and a half, two years old. 0.99

00:57:01.000 You're telling me that society has already- Exactly. 1.00

00:57:04.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:57:06.000 But it's usually women that want to push this and men who are bitches. 1.00

00:57:11.000 It's like these men that don't like aggressive- They're the worst. 1.00

00:57:15.000 They don't like aggressive men.

00:57:17.000 They don't like manly men.

00:57:18.000 And so they push it as well. 1.00

00:57:20.000 No, because they're aggressive and they're controlling and they want to run shit. 1.00

00:57:24.000 Because that's the thing. 0.99

00:57:25.000 If you really look at their agenda, when they say the future is feminine, that's not inclusive.

00:57:30.000 And they're all about, oh, make this more inclusive.

00:57:33.000 It's like, no, let us in so we can take it over and then we'll push you down.

00:57:36.000 Is the psychology of the kind of person that goes after that, someone that's after power.

00:57:43.000 I'm not saying the average woman is like that. 0.99

00:57:45.000 My wife is a feminist and she's into inclusive shit. 1.00

00:57:47.000 But people who are spearheading stuff. 0.99

00:57:50.000 Yes.

00:57:51.000 Like, those people are wired the same way, like, you know, I mean...

00:57:54.000 A dominator is.

00:57:55.000 Yes.

00:57:56.000 Yes.

00:57:56.000 And there's going to be no room for...

00:58:00.000 It's going to be like, think the way... 0.99

00:58:01.000 Like, a lot of that so-called progressive extreme left is, think the way we think, say what we say, or we will fucking destroy you. 0.98

00:58:09.000 Pull up that tweet that I retweeted today. 0.98

00:58:11.000 The David Pakman retweet.

00:58:13.000 David Pakman is this liberal progressive guy.

00:58:16.000 This woman posts on Twitter she would never vote for a white man or a white person.

00:58:25.000 Someone who's white or male. 0.92

00:58:27.000 He says that's racist and sexist.

00:58:31.000 It is.

00:58:32.000 So she blocks him on Twitter.

00:58:35.000 Today she called Boston College demanding that they not have him back as adjunct faculty.

00:58:42.000 It's crazy.

00:58:43.000 So this woman posts this, and he points out that it's racist and sexist. 0.84

00:58:48.000 So she blocks him and she tries to get him fired. 0.99

00:58:50.000 Okay, this is why that whole thing is fucked up. 0.99

00:58:53.000 Okay, because he's acting like white people exist on an even plane, which is what a lot of people try to do. 0.99

00:58:59.000 He's not necessarily.

00:59:00.000 He's just saying that what he's saying is racist and sexist.

00:59:04.000 Yes.

00:59:04.000 Because she's determining who she's going to vote for based entirely on the race.

00:59:07.000 Yes, but there's other elements involved. 0.99

00:59:10.000 Like the level that white people, not saying all white people, but white people have fucked over people who are not white. 1.00

00:59:16.000 Forget about poor white people who they've fucked over. 1.00

00:59:18.000 So... 0.99

00:59:19.000 You understand that, but they're both right, but then, like, the fact that she then takes it to the point that because he had the audacity to have a difference of an opinion, that that's the thing now, that now we're going to destroy you and you can't be on this thing.

00:59:33.000 And then the other level of that is how the corporate entities... 0.91

00:59:37.000 Are so afraid that one fucking nickel is going to roll out the... 1.00

00:59:42.000 Because all of this shit is you're just a paper tiger until you get the big behemoth to listen to you. 1.00

00:59:47.000 And there's all of these fucking things from award shows to this bullshit... 1.00

00:59:53.000 That someone just needs to be like, listen, this guy already apologized. 1.00

00:59:56.000 This is an old fucking thing. 0.98

00:59:58.000 Or, look, you just had a difference of opinion. 0.99

01:00:01.000 This isn't the first time you're going to say something and somebody's going to disagree with you.

01:00:05.000 That doesn't mean that this guy can't come back. 0.87

01:00:09.000 And you obviously, because of some shit that's happened to you, have an extreme opinion about this guy... 0.95

01:00:18.000 Because of the color of his skin. 0.99

01:00:19.000 It's like there's so many fucked up elements to that, but for some reason you can't, like, if you address that on any level, then you're part of the problem. 0.94

01:00:28.000 Well, it's not just part of the problem. 0.95

01:00:29.000 She's trying to get him fired. 1.00

01:00:31.000 She's trying to get him fired for pointing out that something is racist and sexist.

01:00:35.000 No, I'm saying if you say what I just said...

01:00:37.000 Try to look at it 360 as much as I can, which is why I love South Park, because everything that they do, they do at 360, right? 0.93

01:00:45.000 And so I learned a lot from that show, by the way they look at stuff like that, because I don't fucking know everything.

01:00:50.000 But even just to try to be like, well, hey, you know, insulted him a little bit. 0.68

01:00:55.000 I understand what you're saying, and blah, blah, blah. 1.00

01:00:57.000 You can't fucking do that anymore, because then somebody, you're part of the fucking problem. 0.99

01:01:01.000 No, it's really gotten crazy. 0.99

01:01:02.000 It's gotten to the point, like, I've seen, I'm not going to name names, but I've seen, like, you know, a tweet from a fellow comic telling comics what jokes, you shouldn't talk about this topic. 0.99

01:01:11.000 It's like, who the fuck are you? 0.96

01:01:13.000 It's like, there's already going to be enough people doing that. 1.00

01:01:15.000 You're going to do, like, cannibalism now?

01:01:17.000 Have you really seen comics say that?

01:01:19.000 Yeah.

01:01:20.000 Real comics?

01:01:23.000 Yeah.

01:01:25.000 I mean, everybody has their opinion on somebody's fucking act, but I mean, yeah. 0.98

01:01:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:29.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

01:01:30.000 That's not a real comic. 0.93

01:01:32.000 Well, I wouldn't say that.

01:01:33.000 They are a real comic.

01:01:34.000 They just have an opinion I don't agree with. 1.00

01:01:36.000 They can fuck off. 1.00

01:01:38.000 Well, I mean, yeah. 1.00

01:01:39.000 I mean...

01:01:42.000 I'm trying to have less confrontations in my life here. 1.00

01:01:46.000 That kind of shit drives me crazy though. 0.99

01:01:47.000 What drives me most crazy is this bullying. 1.00

01:01:50.000 Like she's trying to get him fired.

01:01:51.000 She's trying to get him fired for having an opinion on something that she publicly stated. 0.98

01:01:56.000 Somebody running one of these things has to be like, you know, and it can't just be private.

01:02:02.000 It has to be a public tweet to say that it's just going too far. 0.99

01:02:06.000 And this fucking thing where you have a difference of an opinion now, and they're just gonna, you know, take your fucking job away. 0.99

01:02:16.000 You know, I ran into this shit, you know, when the Me Too stuff first started coming out, people would try to like, you know, you had to tweet the right fucking thing, and if... 0.99

01:02:27.000 And if you said anything sort of, oh, let's look at the evidence. 1.00

01:02:30.000 God forbid you fucking said that. 0.99

01:02:32.000 It just became like this whole, you're part of the problem. 1.00

01:02:35.000 And then they would try to take you down or someone you were friends with or doing a show with or represented by.

01:02:43.000 They would try to do like that pressure.

01:02:47.000 And it was just like...

01:02:48.000 And all you had to say is like, no, I'm not doing that. 0.99

01:02:50.000 And then it just goes away because you don't have a fucking leg to stand on. 0.97

01:02:54.000 Well, also the people that are doing it, it's a small percentage of a... 0.99

01:02:57.000 It's a very vocal minority.

01:02:58.000 Unbelievably small.

01:02:59.000 Unbelievably small.

01:03:00.000 And, you know, comics, it's like we're literally running for office.

01:03:04.000 We're out there campaigning for this election that never happens.

01:03:07.000 And you're going through red states, blue states. 1.00

01:03:09.000 You're going through fucking everything. 0.99

01:03:10.000 And the general consensus of people is like... 1.00

01:03:14.000 Like, dude, that was fucking crazy. 0.97

01:03:15.000 Like, that doesn't make sense. 0.98

01:03:17.000 But no one wants to say it because they're going to get steamrolled.

01:03:21.000 Well, you saw what happened to Matt Damon, right?

01:03:23.000 Matt Damon said, we have to make a differentiation between the Harvey Weinsteins in the world and then someone who, you know, like Aziz Ansari, goes on a bad date.

01:03:32.000 There's a big difference between those two.

01:03:34.000 And they attacked him and they tried to get him pulled off of that movie, Ocean's 8. Yeah, and they were acting like killing somebody versus stealing a car.

01:03:43.000 Versus jaywalking.

01:03:45.000 Literally the whole judicial system is based on what you did is your punishment.

01:03:51.000 Your parents do that.

01:03:52.000 Right.

01:03:53.000 You know what I mean?

01:03:54.000 How bad was what you did?

01:03:55.000 Yeah.

01:03:56.000 That's what that sounded like.

01:03:59.000 Yeah, exactly like that.

01:04:00.000 And we live in a world now where I have to be measured...

01:04:03.000 In the way that I say that what he said, you know, affected me.

01:04:08.000 How I heard it. 1.00

01:04:09.000 And then I was like, this is just a typical fucking bald white male. 1.00

01:04:13.000 And they go in that route. 1.00

01:04:14.000 It's like, you literally sound like what the fuck you're against. 0.99

01:04:18.000 And it's not going to last. 0.99

01:04:22.000 And I feel like it's like the end of the winter.

01:04:25.000 And people want to go outside and get some sun on their face.

01:04:28.000 And like, no like... 1.00

01:04:33.000 Taking people by the back of their fucking neck and fucking shoving their face in the shit, you can't sustain that. 1.00

01:04:41.000 No. 1.00

01:04:42.000 You can't sustain it.

01:04:43.000 It doesn't work.

01:04:44.000 You don't get people to change by yelling at them.

01:04:47.000 It doesn't work.

01:04:48.000 Or bombing them. 0.99

01:04:49.000 Like, what the fuck we're doing? 1.00

01:04:50.000 All you're doing is you're just building up resentment and more people want to fucking take you down. 1.00

01:04:55.000 So... 0.99

01:04:57.000 They don't understand psychology.

01:05:00.000 So what they think is this is their time.

01:05:02.000 This is their time to get back at men. 0.95

01:05:03.000 This is their time to yell at men.

01:05:05.000 This is the time to wear the future's feminine t-shirts. 0.99

01:05:07.000 This is the time to take their stand.

01:05:10.000 Did you not see the Women's March?

01:05:11.000 Saw a bunch of people walking.

01:05:13.000 Listen, I'm not saying the points that they're making don't need to be made.

01:05:17.000 I'm not saying that their complaints are not just...

01:05:21.000 It's the execution of it.

01:05:23.000 Yes.

01:05:24.000 Where it's like you're going to go through intimidation and destroying people.

01:05:29.000 Exactly.

01:05:30.000 People's careers and people...

01:05:31.000 You have to publicly apologize.

01:05:33.000 It's so...

01:05:34.000 It's like...

01:05:35.000 They're bullying people.

01:05:36.000 Yes. 1.00

01:05:37.000 Some of the biggest bullies right now, I can't believe it because I'm a lefty, are on my side of the fucking fence. 0.99

01:05:44.000 And, you know, when someone's on your side of the fence and you're looking at them like, you sound like a fucking crazy person, that's when you've entered, like, you know, what was your special? 0.99

01:05:53.000 Strange times? 0.95

01:05:54.000 Yeah.

01:05:55.000 Like, it's like...

01:05:56.000 It is strange.

01:05:58.000 It is strange because it's...

01:05:59.000 They feel like they're justified because they feel like with a maniac like Trump in the office that they have to do what they have to do to change the world.

01:06:07.000 But you don't change the world by yelling at people.

01:06:10.000 It doesn't work that way.

01:06:11.000 And there's real points to be made.

01:06:13.000 There's real points about... 1.00

01:06:14.000 I couldn't imagine being a woman working in an office with a bunch of guys trying to fuck you all the time. 1.00

01:06:19.000 It's got to be a goddamn nightmare. 1.00

01:06:21.000 I can't imagine having a bunch of bosses that literally tell you, you suck my dick, I'll give you a raise. 1.00

01:06:26.000 That happens. 1.00

01:06:28.000 Yes.

01:06:29.000 It's gotta be hell.

01:06:30.000 I get it.

01:06:31.000 I mean, I get it from top to bottom.

01:06:32.000 Yeah, but you gotta be like an eight, though.

01:06:34.000 Eight on up to deal with that every day. 0.96

01:06:36.000 I mean, let's be fucking honest. 0.95

01:06:37.000 You know what I mean? 0.94

01:06:38.000 There's really...

01:06:39.000 There's really good...

01:06:40.000 If you got personality.

01:06:41.000 Hit the gym a lot. 1.00

01:06:42.000 Got a nice ass. 1.00

01:06:46.000 I'm just saying. 1.00

01:06:47.000 You know, it's just like... 1.00

01:06:48.000 Some of that shit is like fucking... 1.00

01:06:50.000 You know... 1.00

01:06:53.000 It's...

01:06:53.000 I always viewed it like...

01:06:55.000 Like, you ever watch, like, the behind-the-scenes of, like, a prison? 0.99

01:06:59.000 And the first thing every guy thinks is, like, how the fuck would I not get raped in there, right? 0.99

01:07:02.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:07:03.000 Women have to think that just fucking walking down the street. 1.00

01:07:06.000 So that's how I wrap my head around to be like, wow, okay. 0.99

01:07:10.000 Like, what they're saying is, like...

01:07:11.000 Because I don't, like...

01:07:14.000 Like, a lot of the arguments, I'm not like, that doesn't make sense. 0.79

01:07:18.000 What doesn't make sense to me is the children of the corn fucking torches burning and just, like, the way that just, I mean, a lot of people, they do that with, like, our foreign policy. 0.99

01:07:35.000 Like, this whole fucking thing has bankrupted this country. 0.99

01:07:39.000 Every August now, they just shut down the government, which has just become normal. 0.99

01:07:42.000 And all they do to make it, like, okay is they just raise the level of debt that we legally can take on or whatever.

01:07:50.000 And it's like, alright, let's do this for another year.

01:07:53.000 And if you question any of that, that means you don't support the troops. 1.00

01:07:58.000 And you're a fucking piece of shit and you need to get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:08:01.000 And it's like, so much stuff doesn't make sense to me. 1.00

01:08:04.000 Like, I just saw Michelle Obama, they had this fucking tweet of her wearing these glitter thigh-high boots and said, sets Twitter on fire with her $4,000 fucking boots. 1.00

01:08:15.000 And it's just like, you know, do you know the question where she got that money? 1.00

01:08:21.000 Yeah.

01:08:24.000 The president makes $500,000 a year.

01:08:26.000 She blew $4,000 on thigh-high boats. 1.00

01:08:27.000 Don't even talk to me about the fucking book deal and all of that shit. 1.00

01:08:31.000 That fucking guy, his first two public speaking engagement things were with major banks. 1.00

01:08:38.000 And you go out on the road. 1.00

01:08:39.000 Hundreds of thousands of dollars. 1.00

01:08:40.000 And all these fellow Americans are upside down in the house from all those fucking banker cunts who did not get punished in 2008. We want to talk about people who should have had their fucking lives burned down. 1.00

01:08:53.000 Those people. 1.00

01:08:53.000 And these guys, they have their faces in the same fucking pig trough as the guys with the red ties. 1.00

01:09:00.000 And for whatever reason, and I don't know why, they get a pass. 0.99

01:09:09.000 Exactly.

01:09:10.000 It doesn't make any sense. 0.99

01:09:11.000 How about more serious shit, like drone strikes? 0.99

01:09:13.000 More innocent civilians were killed with drone strikes during Obama's administration. 0.99

01:09:17.000 I know, and that's why they're telling me you're fighting terrorism while you're creating more of it.

01:09:21.000 Because all I would want to do is just get revenge.

01:09:24.000 Exactly. 0.97

01:09:24.000 And, you know, I have very simplistic ways of how to get the fuck out of there. 0.97

01:09:29.000 How do you do it? 0.98

01:09:30.000 Well, I mean, I'm not saying the air would be cleaner because I don't know what, like, when you throw a Tesla battery into the fucking ocean, what that does to it. 0.99

01:09:36.000 I'm sure it's fucking horrible. 0.97

01:09:37.000 But I know that they're a one-stop shop over there in the Middle East. 0.99

01:09:41.000 They got oil and that's it, you know?

01:09:43.000 I always compare them.

01:09:44.000 Remember that kiosk in, like, the South Shore Plaza in Boston?

01:09:46.000 There was something.

01:09:47.000 It was a place called Wicks and Sticks.

01:09:49.000 All they did was sell candles.

01:09:51.000 Yeah.

01:09:53.000 Which just seemed like a really vulnerable business.

01:09:56.000 Or pewter pot.

01:09:57.000 First, they just sold muffins.

01:09:59.000 And then they started doing full breakfasts.

01:10:01.000 Well, they're like a pewter pot.

01:10:02.000 They're just selling muffins.

01:10:03.000 So if we stop buying muffins, we've got enough oil here. 0.99

01:10:07.000 If we switch to solar power and all that shit, I know the windmills are ugly, and I know it's probably just as much fucking bad on the environment. 0.98

01:10:13.000 But what it does is it gets you out of there. 0.99

01:10:15.000 And it bankrupts them, and then they don't have the money to funnel through the moss to fund the terrorists.

01:10:21.000 Well, the United States is exporting oil now, which is crazy.

01:10:25.000 We have a lot of oil.

01:10:27.000 Right.

01:10:27.000 Especially through fracking.

01:10:30.000 I'm just saying, but if you ever suggested that, which I think I just did, I think then for some reason I don't love my country and I'm trying to solve it.

01:10:39.000 I'm a frugal guy.

01:10:40.000 You know, I don't fucking, you know, I don't spend beyond my means. 0.99

01:10:44.000 And, you know, I don't like debt and that type of shit. 0.99

01:10:47.000 I don't know how the fuck these guys, I think that's why the president ages so much. 1.00

01:10:53.000 Well, they don't get any sleep. 0.99

01:10:54.000 The pressure, you imagine?

01:10:56.000 The dead bodies.

01:10:57.000 Everything.

01:10:57.000 All of that.

01:10:58.000 Just knowing how everything really works.

01:11:01.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:02.000 Trump doesn't seem to mind.

01:11:03.000 He just takes an extra Adderall, keeps on trucking.

01:11:06.000 He doesn't seem like he's...

01:11:07.000 All the scandals...

01:11:09.000 That guy seems completely normal. 0.96

01:11:11.000 Because I think he's a certain level sick mentally that it doesn't get in. 0.62

01:11:18.000 Because he hasn't aged at all. 0.82

01:11:21.000 Now, granted...

01:11:22.000 He's got all that white stuff around his eyes.

01:11:25.000 I don't know what he's doing with the hair.

01:11:27.000 But the hair is usually the telltale sign.

01:11:29.000 Right, it goes gray.

01:11:31.000 He's one of the only presidents that you know. 1.00

01:11:33.000 Half of that shit's probably from a doll. 1.00

01:11:35.000 Who knows where that hair's even coming from? 1.00

01:11:37.000 Well, he's got enough money to do a transplant at this point, right?

01:11:39.000 You can't do a transplant on that thing.

01:11:41.000 He doesn't have any donor area.

01:11:44.000 What do you mean?

01:11:44.000 He's got it all in the back, doesn't he?

01:11:45.000 No, he doesn't.

01:11:46.000 You ever see what happens when it flies up in the back when the wind hits it?

01:11:49.000 The back's all bald.

01:11:50.000 Oh, because he probably did the original plugs and they didn't take.

01:11:53.000 Who knows what he's got going on back there.

01:11:56.000 He's got chaos going on back there.

01:11:58.000 You ever seen it?

01:11:59.000 Yeah, I mean, he's the president.

01:12:01.000 The wind hits it and his hair flops up.

01:12:03.000 But you ever seen the video of him?

01:12:05.000 It looks like he's a guy wearing a demon.

01:12:07.000 Yeah, it's wispy.

01:12:08.000 Like a demon wearing a human mask.

01:12:09.000 It's very wispy.

01:12:10.000 Not just wispy.

01:12:11.000 Like, it's missing.

01:12:12.000 Like, like.

01:12:13.000 Like Chernobyl baby.

01:12:15.000 Do you know what would be nuts?

01:12:16.000 If he gets a second term and he shaves his head.

01:12:18.000 That would be nuts. 1.00

01:12:19.000 And he would just look like the most evil fucking dude ever. 1.00

01:12:22.000 That would be like... 0.99

01:12:23.000 If he got a second term, shaves his head, starts doing intermittent fasting, lifting weights, gets on steroids, drops down to about a buck ninety.

01:12:30.000 Jacked.

01:12:32.000 Yeah, I mean that would be...

01:12:35.000 I think, yeah, it's definitely...

01:12:38.000 I don't know. 0.93

01:12:39.000 That's why I'm trying to just, in my own little fucking world, I'm trying to chill out more and I'm trying not to fucking... 0.97

01:12:46.000 There's just... 0.99

01:12:47.000 There's enough yelling.

01:12:49.000 I don't think that they need it from me, no.

01:12:50.000 I'd think more mocking and laughing than yelling, for sure.

01:12:53.000 But when you see enough of those...

01:12:56.000 The future is feminine t-shirts and you see enough hypocrisy and you see enough people trying to take people out for Commenting on what's sexist and racist and trying to get people fired like it's a time of outrage across the board And you have to respond a little bit you have to let people know hey, 1.00

01:13:12.000 this is fucking ridiculous like there's there's a certain obligation especially Comedians have as a social commentator you see some stupid shit if you're not commenting on it If you choose to go that route. 1.00

01:13:25.000 Some people just like, I'm just going to let you forget your whole work week and I'm just going to talk about a bunch of shit. 1.00

01:13:31.000 Small stuff. 0.98

01:13:32.000 Like Seinfeld type stuff.

01:13:34.000 Yeah.

01:13:34.000 I mean, some people don't comment on anything that's controversial.

01:13:38.000 Some people, they'll go their entire career.

01:13:40.000 But what I've always loved about Seinfeld is, like, if you really listen to him, he has contempt.

01:13:45.000 I said this on the Comedians in Cars.

01:13:47.000 He has contempt for, like, 90% of things. 1.00

01:13:49.000 There's anger underneath this shit. 1.00

01:13:51.000 Brian Regan's like that, too. 1.00

01:13:53.000 Brian Regan used to do that fucking bit about the cattle prod. 0.99

01:13:55.000 You know, the walk stand line on the fucking, the moving sidewalk at the airport. 0.99

01:14:03.000 When he would act out the cattle prod that he wanted to fucking do, I was just like, there it is. 0.99

01:14:07.000 There it is. 0.99

01:14:10.000 He's one of the nicest fucking guys ever. 0.99

01:14:13.000 Brian Regan? 0.99

01:14:13.000 He is. 0.99

01:14:14.000 So nice.

01:14:15.000 And he's an unbelievable, just decent, fully formed human being.

01:14:22.000 He really is a great guy.

01:14:23.000 He also knows when to get on stage and when not to get on stage.

01:14:26.000 If he's drunk, he won't get on stage.

01:14:28.000 The other day he was at the store, he was hanging around.

01:14:30.000 I had my show in the main room, and I said, Brian, you want to do a set?

01:14:33.000 He's like, thank you, but I've had a bit too much to drink.

01:14:37.000 Yeah.

01:14:38.000 He was in the back bar, a little bit lit up, and he just said, I just don't think it's a good idea.

01:14:43.000 Yeah.

01:14:44.000 Especially because he's got that squeaky clean act. 1.00

01:14:46.000 If he goes up there, it's fucking cunts. 1.00

01:14:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:48.000 You just can't. 1.00

01:14:50.000 I've only, twice in my life I've been on stage drunk.

01:14:53.000 Once was in Ireland.

01:14:54.000 Oh, that's a good place to be drunk.

01:14:56.000 Yep.

01:14:56.000 And then I was doing the Kilkenny Festival a long time ago.

01:15:00.000 And then another time I had gone to a Red Sox-Yankees game, got drunk at the game, thought I was sober.

01:15:07.000 And somebody texted me as I got back to the city going, hey, you want to do a spot?

01:15:10.000 I got off the subway, you want to do a spot?

01:15:12.000 I was like, yeah.

01:15:12.000 And I thought, you know, when you're so drunk that just drunk feels sober?

01:15:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:17.000 And I got on stage and I was just like, oh shit. 1.00

01:15:20.000 And I really had to slow down. 0.99

01:15:22.000 I was like slurring. 1.00

01:15:26.000 Fuck it, what's going on? 1.00

01:15:28.000 People immediately. 1.00

01:15:31.000 Everything I learned as a comedian, I had like open micro energy and the whole crowd reacted that way and I had to kind of slow down and get it going.

01:15:37.000 I don't even think I did my time. 0.97

01:15:38.000 I was like fucking sweating. 0.98

01:15:39.000 My mouth was dry. 0.99

01:15:41.000 I was just like...

01:15:43.000 Alright, that's it for me!

01:15:45.000 That was my closing bit.

01:15:46.000 That's it for me!

01:15:48.000 Yeah.

01:15:49.000 So, never did that again.

01:15:50.000 Yeah, it's anything that slows your brain down.

01:15:54.000 It's not the best.

01:15:55.000 Yeah.

01:15:56.000 But a little buzz doesn't hurt anybody.

01:15:58.000 Just a little bit.

01:16:00.000 I don't, yeah.

01:16:01.000 I like one drink.

01:16:02.000 You like one drink, yeah.

01:16:03.000 One drink.

01:16:04.000 I don't.

01:16:05.000 You don't like anything?

01:16:06.000 No, I don't.

01:16:07.000 I have like a rule that I don't...

01:16:09.000 You used to.

01:16:09.000 What?

01:16:10.000 You used to have like a drink before you go on stage?

01:16:11.000 No, never.

01:16:12.000 Never?

01:16:12.000 Really?

01:16:13.000 Not even a little drink?

01:16:14.000 No.

01:16:14.000 Never?

01:16:15.000 Why did I think you did?

01:16:16.000 No.

01:16:17.000 Confusing you with somebody, maybe.

01:16:18.000 Yeah.

01:16:19.000 So I know I'm like...

01:16:21.000 I'm kind of just, I don't know, I drank too much, you know, I just drank too much and then I just take some time off, so I'm just taking time off from boozing right now.

01:16:28.000 I know you got on a big diet kick for a while.

01:16:31.000 You got down pretty light, didn't you?

01:16:33.000 You got pretty heavy and then you lost a ton of weight and you developed abs again?

01:16:37.000 I got four out of the eight.

01:16:39.000 I got halfway there.

01:16:40.000 That's good. 0.99

01:16:41.000 I got halfway there and then I had a six-week run on the road and it just fucking... 1.00

01:16:46.000 It just sucks, man. 0.99

01:16:47.000 I ate perfectly. 0.98

01:16:48.000 I wasn't drinking for like two months.

01:16:51.000 No, almost three months.

01:16:53.000 And then six weeks. 0.98

01:16:55.000 Six weeks and you just fucking, you know... 0.99

01:16:58.000 It's just not fair. 0.98

01:17:00.000 It's not fair that there's no way in a healthy way to really lose like five pounds a week, but you can easily put on six.

01:17:07.000 No problem. 0.99

01:17:08.000 No fucking problem. 1.00

01:17:10.000 Especially in like New York, you could just fucking, you could do it. 1.00

01:17:13.000 You can lose five pounds a week if you really have the weight to lose. 0.99

01:17:16.000 I was going to say like, I was going to say ten because I knew you were going to fucking debate this. 0.96

01:17:20.000 Yeah, ten's rough. 0.98

01:17:21.000 Ten, you're dehydrating yourself.

01:17:23.000 But you can lose five.

01:17:24.000 No, but I mean like not losing muscle mass and like just doing it the right way and you're going to keep it off.

01:17:29.000 I'm not talking about some celebrity crash diet or I got to make weight for this fight.

01:17:32.000 I mean like legit.

01:17:34.000 Just how easy. 0.99

01:17:35.000 I mean just fucking New York City. 1.00

01:17:37.000 Get a couple slices of pizza every fucking night after a night of drinking. 1.00

01:17:40.000 You're of a certain age. 1.00

01:17:42.000 That's it.

01:17:42.000 Five pounds.

01:17:43.000 All of a sudden you know fucking slacks aren't fitting the way they're supposed to. 1.00

01:17:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:17:49.000 Yeah.

01:17:50.000 I do.

01:17:50.000 You ever do intermittent fasting?

01:17:52.000 You know what that is?

01:17:53.000 Yeah.

01:17:54.000 You ever try that?

01:17:55.000 Yeah, it's called sleeping.

01:17:58.000 I haven't eaten for eight hours.

01:18:00.000 You're supposed to wait 16. That's breakfast.

01:18:03.000 Break fast.

01:18:03.000 Yeah.

01:18:05.000 No, I can do that.

01:18:06.000 That's not, you know, fasting is not hard.

01:18:07.000 It's just if you start at four in the afternoon.

01:18:11.000 And then, you know, by the time you wake up the next morning, you've gone so long that you're not really even hungry anymore.

01:18:15.000 Yeah.

01:18:15.000 And then you're kind of fine.

01:18:16.000 And it's just that first night, and then you're all right.

01:18:19.000 I know a buddy of mine does it.

01:18:20.000 He goes, dude, I still work out.

01:18:21.000 I don't do anything. 0.99

01:18:22.000 He goes, I have this ridiculous amount of energy and all this shit. 0.99

01:18:25.000 And I was just like, I heard when you're fasting, you're not supposed to do that. 1.00

01:18:28.000 He's like, it's all bullshit. 1.00

01:18:29.000 It's all bullshit. 1.00

01:18:30.000 You heard when you fast, you're not supposed to do what? 1.00

01:18:31.000 Exercise? 0.99

01:18:32.000 Yeah, like you're supposed to fucking be chilling. 0.99

01:18:34.000 Nah, no, you can exercise. 0.99

01:18:36.000 You can definitely, especially intermittent fasting.

01:18:38.000 You were the second non-doctor to tell me I could do that.

01:18:40.000 Yeah.

01:18:40.000 I'm waiting for someone with at least, has a lab coat Halloween costume to tell me that.

01:18:45.000 I'll get Dom D'Augustino.

01:18:48.000 He's a guy that- Get sad glad.

01:18:50.000 Gad sad.

01:18:53.000 We have a guy that's been on the podcast a couple times that's a fasting expert.

01:18:56.000 I'd be like, I'm sorry, does your name rhyme?

01:18:59.000 I wonder if Gad is short for something, like Gadzooks. 0.75

01:19:02.000 One of the great drummers of all time, Steve Gad.

01:19:04.000 Really?

01:19:04.000 Mm-hmm.

01:19:06.000 Gadzooks is a great name.

01:19:07.000 Now, if you name your kids Gadzooks...

01:19:10.000 It's just not fair to your children.

01:19:13.000 Gadzooks is not a bad name. 1.00

01:19:14.000 It's kind of cool.

01:19:15.000 Gadzooks.

01:19:16.000 Remember that?

01:19:17.000 People would say that.

01:19:18.000 Gadzooks.

01:19:19.000 That was like a comic book type thing.

01:19:21.000 Like when people were stunned, they'd say Gadzooks. 0.87

01:19:25.000 I would say Stephen Zooks.

01:19:28.000 Yeah, Lebanon. 0.60

01:19:28.000 Common male Arabic name means... 0.60

01:19:33.000 Felicity? 0.99

01:19:34.000 I know, but do they fucking... 0.99

01:19:35.000 If your last name is Sad, do you have to name your kid Gad? 0.99

01:19:39.000 I just can't picture a part of the world where your name fucking rhymes and you don't have to deal with that every time. 0.99

01:19:43.000 Oh, Gad's... 0.99

01:19:44.000 Yeah, I get it.

01:19:45.000 It rhymes. 1.00

01:19:46.000 Can I have my fucking falafel? 1.00

01:19:48.000 You want to talk to him? 1.00

01:19:49.000 Huh?

01:19:49.000 He could do your show.

01:19:50.000 He'll do your show.

01:19:51.000 He's a funny guy.

01:19:52.000 You talk to him about that.

01:19:54.000 I don't have smart people on my podcast.

01:19:56.000 Ever?

01:19:57.000 You've never done it, right?

01:20:02.000 I did it once.

01:20:03.000 You did do it once?

01:20:04.000 Yeah, I did it once.

01:20:04.000 I make an exception.

01:20:06.000 I think we did it at my place.

01:20:09.000 Oh, okay.

01:20:09.000 Has it been that long?

01:20:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:20:12.000 Or we did it...

01:20:13.000 No, we didn't do it at my house.

01:20:14.000 We did it at the studio.

01:20:15.000 Yeah, I think I recorded it.

01:20:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:20:17.000 Something like that.

01:20:17.000 Yeah.

01:20:18.000 Okay.

01:20:18.000 Yeah.

01:20:22.000 I like how you do it, though.

01:20:24.000 I keep telling comics.

01:20:25.000 I'm saying, look.

01:20:26.000 Look what Bill does.

01:20:27.000 He doesn't need anybody.

01:20:28.000 He doesn't need anything. 1.00

01:20:30.000 He's got a fucking recorder, and he just rambles. 0.99

01:20:32.000 And it's great. 0.99

01:20:33.000 Yeah, that's because of my childhood.

01:20:35.000 The way you just said that.

01:20:38.000 What did you just say?

01:20:38.000 He doesn't need anybody.

01:20:39.000 He doesn't need anybody.

01:20:39.000 He doesn't need anything.

01:20:40.000 He doesn't need anything.

01:20:41.000 Yeah, that's where I went.

01:20:42.000 That was my protective place that went mentally.

01:20:45.000 You just start talking to yourself. 1.00

01:20:46.000 No, I was just like, fuck everybody. 1.00

01:20:48.000 I don't need anybody. 1.00

01:20:49.000 I don't give a shit. 0.99

01:20:50.000 I don't care. 0.99

01:20:50.000 Which wasn't true. 0.99

01:20:51.000 I did care.

01:20:52.000 Right, of course.

01:20:53.000 You did care, but you just say, I don't care. 0.99

01:20:55.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:20:56.000 That's a pretty common thing amongst comics, don't you think? 0.99

01:20:58.000 No, I think I'm unique.

01:20:59.000 Oh, interesting.

01:21:00.000 No, I guess it is.

01:21:03.000 There's a few guys that are doing that now like you, though.

01:21:05.000 Like Theo Vaughn does his podcast very similar to the way you do it.

01:21:08.000 He just rambles.

01:21:09.000 You know, D'Elia does it.

01:21:11.000 Very similar.

01:21:12.000 Just rambles.

01:21:13.000 But that's a great...

01:21:14.000 It's got to be a great way to develop material.

01:21:16.000 Like, come up with ideas. 0.98

01:21:17.000 Well, I try not to take too much shit from there. 0.99

01:21:21.000 You know, I answer questions and shit. 0.99

01:21:23.000 I have, like, my little fucking tent poles I got to get me through it. 0.99

01:21:26.000 But I... Man, I don't know. 0.97

01:21:30.000 It just started out as a way to promote my dates.

01:21:32.000 And I would just talk, hey, what's going on?

01:21:34.000 I'd make a couple of jokes.

01:21:35.000 I'm going to be at the punchline in San Francisco.

01:21:37.000 And it was only like a minute long or two minutes long.

01:21:40.000 And then it just got a little longer and longer.

01:21:41.000 I would tell some stories.

01:21:42.000 I used to call in a service is how I did it.

01:21:45.000 And it would record me on the phone.

01:21:47.000 So I had my little flip phone and I would...

01:21:48.000 I remember those.

01:21:49.000 You were like at an airport talking on the phone.

01:21:52.000 It was like a phone call. 1.00

01:21:53.000 Yeah, and I'd be making fun of fat people and shit as they were walking by. 0.99

01:21:56.000 How long were those? 0.99

01:21:58.000 Then those started to get to be 10 minutes, 15, and then half hours, to the point where I noticed I was talking on a cell phone, like my head felt like I was getting cooked.

01:22:08.000 And then...

01:22:11.000 Then I started like, oh, I'll answer questions.

01:22:13.000 And I had a thing for a while, overrated, underrated.

01:22:17.000 Then I had a segment, is it racist?

01:22:19.000 But then somebody said Tosh.0 had something like that, so I had to get rid of that.

01:22:26.000 Yeah, just kind of did that.

01:22:27.000 Now I just, I don't know, I just sit down. 0.96

01:22:29.000 Sometimes I forget that I'm fucking talking to anybody. 0.97

01:22:32.000 All those years of just being on the road, just talking to yourself in the car. 0.99

01:22:36.000 Is that what you do?

01:22:38.000 You talk to yourself in the road in your car?

01:22:40.000 Yeah.

01:22:40.000 Really?

01:22:41.000 I listen to music. 0.99

01:22:42.000 I fucking fantasize about being in the band. 0.99

01:22:45.000 That's a big thing. 0.99

01:22:46.000 When I listen to music... 0.98

01:22:48.000 When I listen to a music, like, you pick any fucking song and I'll tell you who I am in the band during it. 0.98

01:22:53.000 Like, I know you're an Aerosmith guy, right? 0.98

01:22:56.000 So, Train Kepa rolling.

01:22:57.000 I'm Joe Perry.

01:22:58.000 Okay. 1.00

01:22:59.000 When he's fucking playing the guitar. 0.99

01:23:00.000 And then when Steven sings, I'm Steven. 0.99

01:23:04.000 I'm doing the whole fantasy. 0.99

01:23:05.000 I'm just, like, jumping around like fucking I'm in Star Trek. 0.99

01:23:07.000 Right? 0.99

01:23:09.000 And then when Joey Kramer does the fucking drum roll in the middle, then I'm Joey. 0.99

01:23:14.000 And yeah, I just crush it. 0.99

01:23:16.000 It's just a whole fucking fantasy of me. 0.92

01:23:18.000 Have you ever met those guys? 0.99

01:23:21.000 I met Tommy Hamilton.

01:23:23.000 Joe Perry did my podcast.

01:23:25.000 He's great, isn't he?

01:23:26.000 Yeah.

01:23:26.000 He's a great guy.

01:23:27.000 Great guy.

01:23:28.000 So down to earth.

01:23:29.000 Yeah.

01:23:29.000 Ridiculously cool.

01:23:29.000 You're hanging out with him.

01:23:30.000 You forget.

01:23:31.000 He's one of the greatest guitarists of all time.

01:23:34.000 Yeah.

01:23:34.000 All the riffs he wrote and everything.

01:23:35.000 He's a regular dude.

01:23:36.000 Yeah.

01:23:36.000 Steven Tyler I met one time.

01:23:39.000 Yeah.

01:23:40.000 Just all...

01:23:41.000 Yeah.

01:23:42.000 I always...

01:23:43.000 Just that whole band experience...

01:23:48.000 It's very a lot like stand-up where in the beginning you're doing these impossible gigs and you get like this, you know, It's like you against them.

01:23:58.000 And even as you came up as an open-miker, the band was kind of the class of open-mikers. 0.86

01:24:03.000 And you'd go up there, and if the crowd got the better of you, if your buddy told that person to shut the fuck up or whatever.

01:24:09.000 I just like that whole thing, like when I read those Guns N' Roses books about how their first gig was in Seattle, and they had this van or something, and it broke down, and they just kept going. 0.94

01:24:21.000 And they just were thumbing and they just somehow fucking got there at the last second.

01:24:25.000 They just did the gig. 0.97

01:24:28.000 Um...

01:24:29.000 You know, I just would think it would be... 0.85

01:24:32.000 It's a great feeling as a comedian to turn a room around, but to actually be in a band and fucking, you know, you did it with somebody else, you could actually share it with somebody, as opposed to, you know, fucking doing it by yourself and then going back to the Super 8, you know? 0.81

01:24:45.000 I love that you do those gigs where you get together early with Dean Del Rey and you guys play music and he sings. 0.83

01:24:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:24:52.000 Dean Del Rey can sing his fucking ass off, dude. 0.99

01:24:56.000 He's good. 0.99

01:24:57.000 He's really good. 1.00

01:24:59.000 He has all the fucking rock star moves and shit. 1.00

01:25:01.000 He's legit. 1.00

01:25:03.000 Yeah, we had a great time.

01:25:05.000 The clips he was showing you, that was at the Forum, and then...

01:25:08.000 When he was singing Whole Lotta Rosie?

01:25:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:10.000 I was like, holy shit! 1.00

01:25:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:12.000 Like, that is... 1.00

01:25:12.000 He's got a fucking voice on him, man. 1.00

01:25:15.000 Yeah, and we didn't tune down. 0.99

01:25:16.000 A lot of times, like, when you go see a band, you don't really notice, but they tune down half a step or a full step, and sometimes, you know, people can get way the fuck down on certain songs, but he...

01:25:25.000 They still...

01:25:26.000 I saw Guns N' Roses recently.

01:25:28.000 Axl...

01:25:28.000 There he is.

01:25:29.000 Give me some volume on this.

01:25:30.000 Yeah, Axl...

01:25:46.000 Here we go.

01:25:58.000 That's Michael Devon on bass.

01:26:03.000 Look at him go!

01:26:10.000 It's Andrew.

01:26:13.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:26:13.000 That is a fucking awesome cover. 0.98

01:26:17.000 Yeah, we did... 0.99

01:26:18.000 Might be a little slow.

01:26:19.000 It's like you guys are like...

01:26:21.000 You're a fun band together, but you got a legit professional singer.

01:26:27.000 Well, that guy on bass plays in Whitesnake.

01:26:29.000 That's Mike Devon. 1.00

01:26:30.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

01:26:30.000 He's a Massachusetts guy. 1.00

01:26:31.000 No, he's a fucking beast. 1.00

01:26:33.000 Wow. 1.00

01:26:33.000 He's a beast. 1.00

01:26:34.000 For some reason, everybody looks like they're playing left-handed there. 0.75

01:26:36.000 I had a girl I dated once.

01:26:37.000 I got in a car accident with her.

01:26:39.000 Some old man ran a red light and slammed into us, and the car got totaled.

01:26:43.000 So they're taking the car away, and I have a box of my cassettes in the car. 0.98

01:26:47.000 And she sees the Whitesnake cassette, and she fucking threw it away. 0.94

01:26:50.000 She's like, why are you still listening to this? 0.99

01:26:53.000 And I let her.

01:26:54.000 I let her throw it away.

01:26:55.000 She must have been beautiful. 0.85

01:26:56.000 She's pretty hot. 1.00

01:26:57.000 She was older than me.

01:26:59.000 Oh, that's why.

01:27:00.000 1988. Chucked my fucking Whitesnake. 1.00

01:27:04.000 Chucked it out. 1.00

01:27:06.000 So sad.

01:27:06.000 And because of that, somebody sent me one.

01:27:08.000 Is it still here?

01:27:09.000 Where is that? 1.00

01:27:10.000 Somebody sent me a fucking Whitesnake cassette. 1.00

01:27:12.000 I fucking told a story! 1.00

01:27:15.000 Someone sent it in! 1.00

01:27:16.000 I got a Whitesnake cassette sitting around here somewhere.

01:27:19.000 Someone said, here dude, I feel bad. 1.00

01:27:23.000 Oh yeah, those first relationships, the shit you fucking... 1.00

01:27:26.000 The shit you tolerate. 1.00

01:27:27.000 It's amazing. 1.00

01:27:29.000 I know.

01:27:30.000 She was a woman.

01:27:31.000 That was the thing.

01:27:32.000 I was still kind of a boy.

01:27:33.000 She was a woman.

01:27:35.000 She was 25. She's on her own for quite a while.

01:27:39.000 Oh yeah.

01:27:40.000 I remember when I was 23 I dated a 30 year old.

01:27:43.000 That was not the way to go.

01:27:47.000 I think they treated you like a toy.

01:27:50.000 Yeah, and it was like, you know, she had been through a bunch of relationships, so she knew how to put up, she knew how to post up in the thing, so I was just like, yeah.

01:27:58.000 She was ready for you.

01:28:00.000 Oh, yeah.

01:28:01.000 Yeah.

01:28:02.000 It was fun.

01:28:03.000 She was cool and everything, but it was just like, yeah, it didn't work out.

01:28:07.000 Yeah.

01:28:07.000 Obviously.

01:28:08.000 Yeah, I felt like I was a dog.

01:28:10.000 Like, I was a, like, I was a, like, she got a dog.

01:28:14.000 You know, like, you know how chicks get a German Shepherd? 1.00

01:28:17.000 Yeah.

01:28:18.000 Yeah, you're a German Shepherd. 1.00

01:28:20.000 She got a psycho. 0.98

01:28:22.000 I was crazy back then, too. 0.96

01:28:24.000 I was still fighting.

01:28:26.000 I was 21. And she was a graduated from college, grown woman, had a job and a career.

01:28:35.000 Had CDs. 1.00

01:28:36.000 Yeah, she's like, oh fuck you. 1.00

01:28:37.000 And no cassette tapes. 1.00

01:28:39.000 I don't even think, yeah, I had CDs in the cars in 88, did they?

01:28:41.000 No, they did, because I remember a buddy of mine.

01:28:43.000 In 88?

01:28:43.000 A buddy of mine, he had the first one.

01:28:46.000 He had a Volkswagen Scirocco that we thought was amazing, right?

01:28:49.000 That was like a sports car.

01:28:50.000 Yeah.

01:28:50.000 And he had, this might have been 89 though.

01:28:53.000 89 or 90. I can't remember.

01:28:54.000 That's kind of a blur back then, so long ago.

01:28:57.000 But he had, like, the...

01:28:58.000 They would, like, mount it.

01:29:00.000 Like, you had almost like a Discman.

01:29:02.000 It wasn't, like, in the dashboard.

01:29:04.000 And it would just sit on, like, the little console in the middle.

01:29:08.000 So, and then the thing, if you went over a bump, it would skip.

01:29:11.000 And then they had, like, the big suitcase they'd put in your trunk. 0.99

01:29:15.000 It holds, like, 18 fucking CDs. 0.99

01:29:18.000 CD changers. 1.00

01:29:19.000 Oh, look at this.

01:29:21.000 Is that it?

01:29:22.000 It's from 96. 1984. Whoa!

01:29:24.000 Oh, okay.

01:29:25.000 They had discs in 84. Wow.

01:29:28.000 Well, we were just out of high school, so he didn't have the money.

01:29:30.000 We thought he was rich.

01:29:32.000 He had a Volkswagen Scirocco.

01:29:33.000 Oh, it's in his car in 1984. Wow.

01:29:37.000 You know they had car phones back in like the 60s?

01:29:40.000 They had phones in cars.

01:29:42.000 Oh.

01:29:42.000 Yeah, but he had to be like the presidential level.

01:29:45.000 Yeah, super fucking rich guy. 0.99

01:29:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:29:49.000 I'm surprised you don't have a flip phone.

01:29:52.000 I'm surprised you're not rebelling.

01:29:53.000 I would do it.

01:29:55.000 But I play my card games on my phone. 0.98

01:29:59.000 Spades and gin rummy and shit like that.

01:30:02.000 Whenever I'm in traffic now, if I Uber or something, that's how I get through traffic and I don't flip out. 0.99

01:30:07.000 Because I just fucking stare at my phone.

01:30:08.000 You don't listen to books on tape or anything like that? 0.99

01:30:11.000 No.

01:30:12.000 I can't do that.

01:30:13.000 You can't listen to books on tape?

01:30:15.000 I've never tried.

01:30:17.000 I just can't.

01:30:18.000 It would annoy me listening to the person trying to make it sound interesting.

01:30:23.000 You know?

01:30:24.000 With the inflections and the voice and stuff.

01:30:29.000 That would annoy you?

01:30:30.000 Yeah.

01:30:33.000 Because I'm defensive. 1.00

01:30:34.000 This guy thinks I'm a fucking moron. 1.00

01:30:36.000 But it's just like... 1.00

01:30:37.000 And then in 1862... 0.98

01:30:40.000 And just talking like that, I'd just be like, all right, dude, just fucking read it. 0.97

01:30:46.000 That's so funny. 0.99

01:30:47.000 Read it like a bailiff.

01:30:48.000 Read it like a bailiff.

01:30:49.000 Like a bailiff!

01:30:52.000 Dude, I remember...

01:30:53.000 You know why I have that reference?

01:30:54.000 Because when I got busted for drunk driving, the bailiff goes...

01:30:58.000 This is what he said.

01:31:00.000 The giggler goes, I pulled the defendant over approximately blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:31:03.000 You know, chasing through two towns, you know, whatever. 1.00

01:31:07.000 Which was bullshit. 1.00

01:31:09.000 Anyways, I had a fucking 83 Ford Ranger. 1.00

01:31:12.000 And the bailiff read the thing. 0.99

01:31:13.000 He said, the arresting officer asked the defendant where he was coming from. 0.99

01:31:17.000 And he stated, fucking Boston. 0.99

01:31:19.000 And it was just like, that's not... 0.99

01:31:21.000 That's what I said.

01:31:22.000 That's not the way I said it. 0.99

01:31:24.000 I was fucking wasted. 0.99

01:31:25.000 I was trying to remember. 0.99

01:31:27.000 He said, where'd you come from? 1.00

01:31:28.000 I was like, fucking... 1.00

01:31:30.000 Boston. 1.00

01:31:33.000 And the guy goes... 1.00

01:31:35.000 Fucking Boston. 1.00

01:31:36.000 You want to get out of the car? 1.00

01:31:37.000 And I was like, yeah. 0.88

01:31:38.000 I wasn't a jerk. 0.77

01:31:39.000 But when the guy did the read, he goes, we asked him where he was coming from. 0.99

01:31:43.000 He said, fucking Boston. 1.00

01:31:44.000 And then I looked like an asshole. 1.00

01:31:47.000 It was funny. 1.00

01:31:47.000 I was standing there. 1.00

01:31:48.000 There was all these people who mug people.

01:31:49.000 And they were laughing like, oh, this guy's sticking it to the man.

01:31:59.000 So...

01:31:59.000 I got pulled over for drunk driving once, but I wasn't drunk.

01:32:02.000 I dropped my phone.

01:32:03.000 Dropped my phone on the highway.

01:32:04.000 Reached down to grab my phone, and I, you know, wiggled a little bit.

01:32:07.000 Right.

01:32:08.000 And I wasn't even reading my phone.

01:32:10.000 It was just my phone was between my legs.

01:32:12.000 Yeah.

01:32:12.000 And it fell, and I thought it was going to get underneath my accelerator.

01:32:16.000 And they pulled me over, and they made me do all kinds of crazy shit. 0.98

01:32:18.000 And I did it. 0.99

01:32:20.000 Yeah.

01:32:20.000 I'm like, I'm doing all of it.

01:32:21.000 I'm like, look at me.

01:32:22.000 I'm sober.

01:32:23.000 And then they wanted me to take a breathalyzer.

01:32:25.000 I'm like...

01:32:26.000 Why do you want me to take a breathalyzer?

01:32:27.000 I don't want to trust your equipment.

01:32:30.000 You just got done doing all the tests. 0.99

01:32:32.000 Like, look, I'm on one foot, I'm fucking balancing. 0.97

01:32:35.000 What do you need me to do? 0.99

01:32:37.000 I can do it.

01:32:38.000 Set up some cones.

01:32:39.000 Do you want to know if I'm drunk?

01:32:41.000 You know I'm not drunk. 1.00

01:32:43.000 So why do you want me to blow in your bullshit? 1.00

01:32:44.000 Like, what's going on here? 1.00

01:32:46.000 And the cops, they agreed with me.

01:32:48.000 They let me go.

01:32:49.000 Right.

01:32:50.000 I said, look, I'm a big supporter of police officers, big supporter of law enforcement.

01:32:54.000 I donate.

01:32:54.000 I do benefits whenever they come up.

01:32:56.000 And I'm sober.

01:32:57.000 And I'm sober.

01:32:59.000 You know what the best one is?

01:33:01.000 Most of my friends, we all get busted for drinking and driving.

01:33:04.000 The best one was a buddy of mine.

01:33:06.000 They read his, and it was like, you know, approximately four in the morning, we noticed a maroon VW Fox blowing its horn, trying to pass on the right.

01:33:14.000 We pulled the defendant over. 0.99

01:33:17.000 After repeatedly asking the defendant to stay in the car, he got out of the car, threw his keys at my feet, and repeatedly stated, lock me up, I'm fucked up. 0.99

01:33:28.000 LAUGHTER And this was funny. 0.99

01:33:34.000 My buddy was a good-looking guy, and the judge was a woman. 1.00

01:33:41.000 And when the guy read that, you know, locked me up, I'm fucked up. 0.96

01:33:45.000 And he wasn't the brightest guy, and he just kind of went like, ugh. 0.96

01:33:48.000 He put his head down like that, and he was, you know... 0.98

01:33:50.000 Little pound puppy fucking looking dude and she gave him like a lighter sentence. 1.00

01:33:56.000 Because he was good looking? 1.00

01:33:57.000 I think so.

01:33:59.000 Yeah, I mean that all plays in. 0.72

01:34:00.000 That's why ugly people are complaining so much. 1.00

01:34:04.000 They won't take the time to develop a fucking personality, write some jokes, do what the rest of us have to do. 1.00

01:34:12.000 I don't get mad at Brad Pitt. 1.00

01:34:15.000 How come he fucking... 1.00

01:34:16.000 Because he's fucking beautiful. 1.00

01:34:18.000 I'm a fucking bald, red-headed male. 1.00

01:34:20.000 I know where I am in the pecking order. 1.00

01:34:22.000 And some of these fucking people who are complaining right now, who are mad that beautiful people get treated differently. 0.99

01:34:30.000 I understand racially speaking. 0.99

01:34:32.000 But you're not going to do the beautiful thing.

01:34:34.000 And then there's another thing they try to say. 0.99

01:34:36.000 Well, society tries to, you know, they're the ones that fucking... 0.98

01:34:40.000 Like, you know, I love when there's a supermodel. 0.97

01:34:42.000 Like, this is like an impossible standard of beauty to try and live up to.

01:34:46.000 Yeah!

01:34:47.000 Yeah!

01:34:47.000 Yeah.

01:34:48.000 Yeah.

01:34:49.000 That's why she's on the cover of a magazine. 1.00

01:34:51.000 She's that level beautiful.

01:34:52.000 And you're going to try and sit there and tell me that that was learned.

01:34:57.000 Well, here's the thing.

01:34:58.000 That's only women. 1.00

01:34:59.000 Because when you see Jason Momoa playing Aquaman, you don't hear men saying that's an impossible standard of beauty that we have to keep up with. 1.00

01:35:07.000 No, I just make fun of that fucking stupid thing he has to hang on to. 1.00

01:35:14.000 I don't care how much you can kick my ass. 1.00

01:35:16.000 That is the dumbest. 1.00

01:35:17.000 You should be on a fucking cereal box. 1.00

01:35:19.000 It's a trident. 1.00

01:35:20.000 For years, they had a problem with Aquaman.

01:35:22.000 It's like he's in the ocean.

01:35:24.000 Human beings are on Earth. 1.00

01:35:26.000 I have to see that fucking movie. 1.00

01:35:28.000 What are they going to be? 1.00

01:35:29.000 Is it going to be Japanese people finning? 1.00

01:35:32.000 Is he going to save Sharp?

01:35:34.000 He goes underwater.

01:35:35.000 Is that his skin?

01:35:37.000 With all the bumps?

01:35:38.000 What is that?

01:35:38.000 Is that a suit?

01:35:39.000 Doesn't water get in the gloves?

01:35:40.000 No.

01:35:41.000 You'd think that would have to be one piece, right?

01:35:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:35:45.000 That would be annoying and shit. 0.99

01:35:45.000 Is it any worse than water in your gloves? 0.99

01:35:47.000 Well, look, it looks like it catches them, like a water catcher.

01:35:50.000 Like, not just like water gets in the gloves.

01:35:52.000 It's like a funnel.

01:35:53.000 He looks like a stripper at a bachelorette party. 0.88

01:35:56.000 He does. 0.96

01:35:57.000 A good one.

01:35:57.000 Like, you paid money.

01:35:59.000 You got a good one.

01:36:00.000 Guy dieted down for that.

01:36:02.000 Yes, he did, and he got all the abs.

01:36:04.000 So he's better than I am.

01:36:05.000 Oh, this is the fall look.

01:36:07.000 That's a different one.

01:36:08.000 Yep.

01:36:08.000 The fall look!

01:36:10.000 This is when he's in the Black Sea.

01:36:11.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:36:12.000 He wants to fucking... 1.00

01:36:13.000 Gets cold. 1.00

01:36:14.000 Yeah.

01:36:14.000 Did you see what's going on in the UK? The UK has banned advertisements that feature unobtainable bodies.

01:36:22.000 I retweeted it.

01:36:24.000 I tweeted it recently.

01:36:25.000 The way they eat fish and chips over there.

01:36:27.000 That's going to be most of advertising.

01:36:28.000 Well, they had these ads for summer bodies.

01:36:31.000 You know, you see a girl in a bikini. 0.98

01:36:32.000 And they're now making it illegal to put those kind of ads up.

01:36:35.000 Why can't you aspire to that?

01:36:37.000 Like, I look at that Aquaman guy that makes me want to go to the gym.

01:36:40.000 I don't be like, you know, he's got a full head of hair.

01:36:45.000 Like, you got to make me feel better?

01:36:46.000 It's because the people that complain.

01:36:48.000 Who are the people that complain?

01:36:49.000 The people that complain are the people that don't want to work to be that lady. 1.00

01:36:52.000 They don't want to work to get that kind of a body. 0.99

01:36:54.000 And they just want to not see it.

01:36:57.000 They don't want to go to the subway and see a body that they're never going to have.

01:37:00.000 Yeah, I saw an actress complaining one time because the studio told them that she needed to lose 15 pounds I'm like, you can't drop 15 to star in a movie?

01:37:09.000 I mean, what carrot can they, specifically carrots, some veggies in your diet? 0.97

01:37:15.000 What do they have to dangle in front of you to go to the fucking gym like the rest of us? 0.97

01:37:19.000 Like, I literally, like, because I always say, oh, guys don't have to deal with that. 0.99

01:37:21.000 It's like, yeah, we do.

01:37:22.000 Of course, Aquaman had to deal with that.

01:37:24.000 What if he gained 20 pounds?

01:37:25.000 Dude, forget about him. 1.00

01:37:26.000 Just having five lines in a fucking movie. 1.00

01:37:28.000 If I am north of 171, 72 pounds, the fucking tweets I get, hey, Billy Boo's bag. 1.00

01:37:34.000 Hey, Billy bitch tits. 1.00

01:37:37.000 Hey, fat freckles, all of this shit that I get, they sit there and they're acting like fucking preteens, where everything is just, everything's about them, and the whole fucking world gives a shit. 1.00

01:37:52.000 Celebrities, with their fucking political views, is the funniest thing ever. 1.00

01:37:55.000 It's like, you're not making anybody change their mind politically. 1.00

01:38:00.000 I feel like I need to fucking speak up. 0.95

01:38:02.000 It's like, no, you can't have the spotlight on you enough. 0.98

01:38:05.000 That's all you're doing. 1.00

01:38:06.000 Because all you're doing with that bullshit is, first of all, you're alienating half the fucking people that are going to go see whatever the fuck you're in. 1.00

01:38:12.000 And then secondly, you're just getting on the radar of lunatics in white vans with two seats that are looking up how to fucking build pipe bombs. 1.00

01:38:20.000 Like, that's the fallout. 1.00

01:38:23.000 It's like the jerk when he goes, average, run-of-a-mill son of a bitch, you know, when he picks Steve Martin. 1.00

01:38:28.000 The idea that a girl shouldn't be asked to lose weight to look hot for a movie is fucking crazy because that's what you're playing. 1.00

01:38:35.000 You're playing a hot woman. 1.00

01:38:36.000 That's part of the job.

01:38:37.000 And there's millions.

01:38:38.000 Dude, everybody's in shape. 0.98

01:38:39.000 I remember fucking seeing... 0.98

01:38:40.000 I used to do a bit about this. 0.95

01:38:41.000 I saw...

01:38:43.000 Ben Stiller in Meet the Fockers or something.

01:38:47.000 There was a scene where he had to have his shirt off in the pool. 0.99

01:38:50.000 He had fucking abs in a comedy. 0.99

01:38:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:53.000 Because you were seeing the influence of the fucking internet. 0.99

01:38:57.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:38:58.000 It gets in your head. 1.00

01:39:00.000 People just fucking trashing you. 0.99

01:39:02.000 I already knew I was unsightly, but I didn't realize how many things that people didn't enjoy about me. 0.99

01:39:07.000 Until I got on the internet, I was like, wow, I never noticed that about myself. 0.97

01:39:11.000 So, yeah, I don't have, look, if somebody really has like a fucking eating disorder, you know, if you're like fucking obese, I have sympathy for those people. 0.99

01:39:18.000 But if you're 15 pounds, 20 pounds overweight, I mean, fucking, you know, drink some fucking smoothies. 0.99

01:39:25.000 These women that are playing these roles have to understand, first of all, that part of the reason why you got that role is not just because of your acting ability, but also because you're pretty. 1.00

01:39:32.000 You have a beautiful face.

01:39:34.000 You were born with it.

01:39:34.000 You didn't even work at it.

01:39:36.000 And then on top of that, you're supposed to be playing a beautiful person in the movie.

01:39:39.000 They would like you to not be fat.

01:39:41.000 It's that simple.

01:39:42.000 That's not discrimination.

01:39:43.000 There's millions of dollars at stake that could be lost.

01:39:46.000 So I always feel like your job is, even if you look like me, is to show up on time knowing your lines in the best possible shape you could get yourself in.

01:39:56.000 If that's the role. 0.96

01:39:57.000 Even if I'm just fucking playing anybody. 0.97

01:39:59.000 What if you're Artie Lang? 0.99

01:40:00.000 What if you're Artie Lang and you're supposed to play the guy that's smoking cigarettes and you're the brother-in-law that's drunk all the time?

01:40:05.000 Then your job's to look that way.

01:40:06.000 Yeah, your job's to look that way. 1.00

01:40:08.000 Yeah, her job's to look like the hot woman that everybody wants to fuck. 1.00

01:40:11.000 If they're telling you you have to lose weight and you're a beautiful woman, it's because they want to make you more attractive. 0.99

01:40:16.000 There's not like discrimination.

01:40:18.000 There's a reason.

01:40:19.000 They want a better product.

01:40:20.000 Oh, they want to make money.

01:40:20.000 Yeah, they want a better product.

01:40:23.000 I'll tell you another thing, too. 1.00

01:40:25.000 Like, really, both male and female, like, those beautiful people at that level, it's like they're fucking aliens. 0.98

01:40:31.000 Like, I've done a couple of movies. 0.98

01:40:33.000 I did a movie one time, and I remember it was a scene.

01:40:37.000 We were in a car, and the star of the movie was holding onto the steering wheel.

01:40:41.000 And I was like, like, I never thought this ever about a woman.

01:40:44.000 I was like, her forearms are gorgeous.

01:40:47.000 Yeah.

01:40:49.000 I was looking at him like...

01:40:50.000 I was like, those forearms are perfect.

01:40:53.000 But I didn't make me...

01:40:55.000 When I went to Stockholm, Sweden, how beautiful the people were there.

01:40:58.000 I was walking down the street pointing at guys with my wife going, Nia, look at that guy!

01:41:02.000 Look at that! 1.00

01:41:03.000 That fucking guy, he's like an accountant. 1.00

01:41:05.000 Walking down the street, he's like, does he know if he fucking came over here, he'd be starring in movies? 1.00

01:41:09.000 And that's not all of Sweden, by the way. 0.73

01:41:11.000 That's like, just when you're in Stockholm, that's like their Manhattan. 0.99

01:41:14.000 So all the beautiful fucking people. 0.98

01:41:15.000 But I mean, I went into a couple, I went to this magazine, went and bought like a magazine or something like that when I was over there. 0.99

01:41:21.000 And the woman behind the counter was like a fucking 11 here. 1.00

01:41:26.000 But she was working at a magazine stand, so that was her energy. 0.99

01:41:29.000 Like, hey, how you doing?

01:41:31.000 Yeah.

01:41:32.000 I'm working in a magazine stand.

01:41:34.000 My dream hasn't come true yet.

01:41:35.000 You're just looking at them like, you could sign with a...

01:41:38.000 Who was that big modeling agency? 0.68

01:41:41.000 Yeah, like Cindy Crawford and all of them were with back in the day.

01:41:44.000 The Vikings.

01:41:45.000 It's Viking blood.

01:41:46.000 The best looking people. 0.95

01:41:47.000 They went over there and raped and pillaged and all that good DNA is left there. 0.98

01:41:52.000 They caught the best women. 0.99

01:41:53.000 They kept them alive.

01:41:55.000 Killed everybody else.

01:41:56.000 Oh, is that what happened?

01:41:57.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:58.000 I don't know what happened.

01:42:00.000 Vikings! 0.51

01:42:00.000 That's why they're so big? 0.51

01:42:02.000 Beautiful?

01:42:04.000 Oh yeah, no, they're super tall.

01:42:05.000 That's one of the funniest things ever.

01:42:06.000 When you go over to like the, what do they call those?

01:42:10.000 The Nordic, and then Scandinavia is within the Nordic countries.

01:42:13.000 I always have to remind myself of that. 1.00

01:42:14.000 Like you'd go over there, it was the funniest fucking shit because they're so goddamn tall. 0.99

01:42:17.000 There would be kids almost my height whose voices hadn't changed yet, and they had the mentality of like an 11-year-old, and they'd be like, mother! 0.99

01:42:25.000 Except they were speaking that, when they were talking, and their voice hadn't changed yet. 0.99

01:42:31.000 And I was just sitting there laughing my ass off, going, these are like fucking... 0.98

01:42:34.000 Yeah, everybody was like 6'3", 6'4". 1.00

01:42:41.000 6'5", like rail thin with their fucking European pants. 0.99

01:42:46.000 I'm actually going over there. 0.99

01:42:49.000 Stockholm next year, but I'm going over Europe.

01:42:51.000 I got to run 10 days over there.

01:42:55.000 Yeah, I saw you doing a European tour.

01:42:57.000 When you do that- I'm doing three legs of it.

01:42:59.000 Three legs.

01:42:59.000 So you do three separate trips?

01:43:00.000 Of 10 days.

01:43:01.000 Wow.

01:43:02.000 Yeah, just because I- Do you bring the family or do you just go solo?

01:43:05.000 I'm going to bring the family on one of them.

01:43:08.000 And then the other ones, I'm only gone for a little over a week, which is a really long time when you have a kid.

01:43:11.000 And it's not something that I look forward to doing now, but it's something that it's also gives my kid a great life.

01:43:19.000 So that's how I justify it. 0.77

01:43:20.000 So then I also- I had to move some shit around to work less in other areas. 0.94

01:43:25.000 That's a good balance. 0.92

01:43:27.000 I'm glad you approach it that way.

01:43:28.000 I have friends that don't.

01:43:30.000 They're on the road all the time, and they have kids.

01:43:33.000 Their idea is that this is what I've got to do to make a living.

01:43:36.000 I'm like, I guess so.

01:43:39.000 But you're on the road 30 days in a row.

01:43:41.000 It's kind of crazy.

01:43:42.000 I put my kid down for a nap, and I'll be downstairs for like 20 minutes.

01:43:45.000 I look at my wife.

01:43:46.000 I'm like, dude, I miss her.

01:43:48.000 It's just so quiet.

01:43:50.000 She's hilarious.

01:43:51.000 She's hilarious.

01:43:52.000 So it's just like, you know, yeah, she's an unbelievable sense of humor.

01:43:59.000 And, yeah.

01:44:00.000 I knew you would love it.

01:44:02.000 I knew you'd love being a parent. 0.99

01:44:03.000 Yeah, and I always wanted to be and I just was afraid of commitment and all that shit. 0.99

01:44:07.000 So I waited. 0.88

01:44:08.000 I waited too long.

01:44:09.000 I did wait too long. 0.99

01:44:10.000 So, which is why I'm going to take a fucking sauna with you at the end of this. 0.99

01:44:14.000 Yeah, we'll take a sauna now. 0.99

01:44:15.000 Yeah, and I want to learn all...

01:44:17.000 Gee, it would really be great if there was a company out there that could somehow let me know I could get a sauna in my house.

01:44:23.000 Well, sauna people out there.

01:44:25.000 I was working with a guy... 1.00

01:44:26.000 If you can get a Whitesnake take, I can get a fucking... 1.00

01:44:28.000 We'll get a sauna. 0.99

01:44:30.000 Sauna companies, contact both of us, okay? 1.00

01:44:32.000 Because I was in contact with a guy to do something in my fucking house, and this asshole dropped the ball and is not returning emails anymore. 0.99

01:44:40.000 Hmm. 1.00

01:44:41.000 So I need a new sauna company, too.

01:44:44.000 Give you a lot of free advertising. 0.99

01:44:46.000 I'm like, where's the fucking sauna? 0.99

01:44:47.000 Does the sauna guy get back to us? 0.99

01:44:48.000 No, he hasn't gotten back to us. 0.94

01:44:50.000 I'm like, it's fucking two weeks. 0.86

01:44:51.000 Should we get back to him again? 0.98

01:44:53.000 Twice got back to this guy. 0.99

01:44:54.000 Like, trying to get the fucking sauna installed in the house. 0.98

01:44:57.000 I love all those guys, though. 0.99

01:44:58.000 They're like comedians.

01:45:00.000 They don't want a real job.

01:45:01.000 Contractors?

01:45:02.000 Oh, yeah.

01:45:02.000 The gate guy, the sauna guy, the this guy, the that guy.

01:45:05.000 They all got their little fucking... 0.99

01:45:06.000 Then the handymen guys. 1.00

01:45:08.000 Yeah.

01:45:09.000 Um...

01:45:09.000 Well, I grew up with those guys, because my dad was an architect.

01:45:12.000 So I did construction from the time I was in high school.

01:45:15.000 All throughout the summer, I was always doing side jobs.

01:45:18.000 I always had jobs on construction sites as a laborer, carpenter's assistants.

01:45:23.000 I was always around those guys.

01:45:24.000 I tried to do that.

01:45:25.000 I lasted eight days. 0.97

01:45:27.000 I just, with my fucking fair skin, we were doing roofing in July, and it was just, I just remember... 0.98

01:45:33.000 My job was I was putting in the scaffold and going around, you know, when you fucking drill the hole, then you put the triangle thing, and then you fucking put the bolt on. 0.98

01:45:41.000 And this Irish guy kept going, Billy, you must work quicker. 1.00

01:45:43.000 You must work quickly, is what he kept saying to me.

01:45:45.000 And I finally stuck my head out the side of the house.

01:45:48.000 I was like, dude, I've done this for three days. 0.97

01:45:49.000 If you want me to fucking go quicker... 0.99

01:45:51.000 You know, we were like literally three stories up and he finally shut the fuck up. 0.99

01:45:55.000 He must be a non-union guy. 0.98

01:45:57.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:45:58.000 Dude, I remember there was a fucking guy on the site. 1.00

01:46:00.000 I swear to God, he wore the same fucking jeans every day with like no underwear, right? 1.00

01:46:05.000 And it had a fucking giant fucking hole right here on his thigh. 1.00

01:46:11.000 So I'm in fucking working in the house and I just remember he stepped over something with his left leg and the whole fucking hole moved, right? 1.00

01:46:19.000 Just like flashed his fucking junk. 1.00

01:46:21.000 I was just like... 1.00

01:46:23.000 And I didn't know how to stand up to people.

01:46:26.000 And plus, you know, I was the new guy on the thing and I just was... 0.99

01:46:29.000 Wanted to be like, buddy, how about you put on some fucking boxers or something so I don't gotta look at your fucking junk. 1.00

01:46:35.000 First of all, he's walking around with like a goddamn nail gun. 0.99

01:46:38.000 Not like boxers could stop that, but any extra layer of clothing that you could have. 1.00

01:46:43.000 This guy's literally like his fucking shit, you know, like an owl looking out of a tree. 1.00

01:46:51.000 And yet it's burned into my head. 1.00

01:46:53.000 I could pick his junk out of a lineup. 0.88

01:46:56.000 That was the first time I ever encountered alcoholics.

01:46:59.000 I didn't really know about alcoholics until I started working on job sites.

01:47:02.000 And I realized there was guys that just had to drink.

01:47:05.000 They would drink at lunch.

01:47:06.000 They were just drinking all the time.

01:47:07.000 They were always trying to quit.

01:47:08.000 I remember one guy was like, I'm quitting.

01:47:09.000 I'm done.

01:47:10.000 And I remember thinking, that's good. 1.00

01:47:11.000 You're getting your shit together. 0.99

01:47:13.000 I was like 15. I was like, oh, that's awesome. 0.99

01:47:15.000 Two weeks later. 1.00

01:47:17.000 Fucking can of beer on the job. 0.99

01:47:18.000 I was like, oh... 1.00

01:47:20.000 I just remember I couldn't eat enough.

01:47:22.000 I was always hungry.

01:47:24.000 I would pack two sandwiches, three sandwiches, and you'd just...

01:47:27.000 It's real work.

01:47:30.000 Yeah.

01:47:30.000 That's what people used to do.

01:47:32.000 No, those were like...

01:47:33.000 Those guys...

01:47:34.000 I mean, I would come home like...

01:47:36.000 It was like I went to football practice.

01:47:38.000 If I stuck around for another month, I could have gotten in construction worker shape. 0.89

01:47:44.000 But I just sucked at it.

01:47:46.000 I just didn't have it. 0.93

01:47:48.000 And that was one of the things, how I was able to figure out what I was good at was one of my best attributes was I knew when I sucked at something.

01:47:57.000 Like, take playing drums and I wanted to be in a band or anything.

01:47:59.000 I just went to too many music stores and I'd see some seven-year-old kid and just him starting to play or picking up a guitar.

01:48:07.000 I just knew it.

01:48:08.000 I was just like, I don't have that.

01:48:09.000 I don't have that gift, you know?

01:48:11.000 Even if I played better than them, just the ideas that they were already coming up with.

01:48:15.000 Speaking of which, dude, I should have called you the other day.

01:48:17.000 I saw...

01:48:18.000 Dave Navarro does this thing with his band Royal Machines.

01:48:21.000 They just do this Christmas show every year.

01:48:23.000 I went with Ben Bailey the other night at the El Rey, dude. 1.00

01:48:27.000 What a fucking show these guys put on. 1.00

01:48:30.000 Sebastian Bach came out and sang Highway to Hell. 1.00

01:48:32.000 Wow. 1.00

01:48:33.000 Fucking murdered it. 1.00

01:48:34.000 Dude, Juliette Lewis. 1.00

01:48:36.000 You know, from fucking American, what the fuck was that? 1.00

01:48:40.000 All the edits. 1.00

01:48:41.000 The serial killer movie.

01:48:43.000 With Woody Harrelson. 1.00

01:48:45.000 Yeah, what the fuck was that? 0.99

01:48:47.000 Natural Born Killers. 1.00

01:48:48.000 All of those fucking movies. 1.00

01:48:50.000 Dude, you know some people, like, I'm a comedian who happens to play drums. 1.00

01:48:53.000 Dude, she's a fucking rock star who happens to act. 1.00

01:48:57.000 Really? 1.00

01:48:57.000 Dude, oh my god. 1.00

01:48:58.000 Really?

01:48:59.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:49:01.000 She was so ridiculous. 1.00

01:49:02.000 I was just laughing how fucking amazing she was. 1.00

01:49:05.000 She sang like Van Halen, Ain't Talking About Love. 0.98

01:49:08.000 And then she sang Dirty Deeds. 1.00

01:49:11.000 And it was all just in the wheelhouse of shit that I listened to. 0.99

01:49:13.000 And I want to say she did one more. 1.00

01:49:15.000 And in the end, she did like a fucking forward somersault into the fucking crowd. 1.00

01:49:20.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:49:21.000 It was just fucking... 0.99

01:49:22.000 Is there a video of this? 0.99

01:49:24.000 I don't know.

01:49:25.000 I was... 0.91

01:49:26.000 You know, the band was so fucking good. 0.97

01:49:29.000 And then the drummers they had was Josh Freese, Chad Smith, and Brad Wilk. 0.93

01:49:35.000 Like, so, you know, if you're into drummers, that's... 0.90

01:49:37.000 Josh Freese has fucking played with everybody. 0.97

01:49:39.000 Literally everybody. 0.98

01:49:41.000 Brad Wilk was in...

01:49:44.000 Rage Against the Machine.

01:49:47.000 And Chet Smith is in the Chili Peppers. 0.99

01:49:49.000 And those guys were just fucking destroying. 0.98

01:49:54.000 And Steve Stevens from Billy Idol's band was out there. 1.00

01:49:58.000 All these fucking guys. 1.00

01:49:59.000 It's just like... 1.00

01:49:59.000 Wow. 1.00

01:50:00.000 Yeah, if you get a chance...

01:50:01.000 They were kind of talking like it was the last year they were going to do it.

01:50:03.000 I hope it isn't. 0.80

01:50:04.000 But Mark McGrath also was there, who was fucking hilarious. 0.60

01:50:06.000 He's sort of like the... 0.84

01:50:08.000 Like, you know, he sings the songs great, but he's also like sort of the MC slash comedian.

01:50:13.000 He's a really, really naturally like funny guy.

01:50:17.000 Like I was there with another comedian.

01:50:18.000 He was cracking us up.

01:50:19.000 He went on to be like an entertainment reporter, right?

01:50:23.000 Yeah, well, the thing about him is he's like...

01:50:24.000 I feel like he was always self-deprecating.

01:50:29.000 Yeah.

01:50:30.000 He was writing hit songs. 1.00

01:50:32.000 Who the fuck can do that? 0.99

01:50:33.000 He named an album 1459, making fun of my 15 minutes are almost up. 1.00

01:50:38.000 He was roasting himself while he was just writing one hit after another after another.

01:50:43.000 Yeah.

01:50:44.000 We're good to go.

01:51:05.000 Just go do some comedy.

01:51:06.000 Well, how much of a chance would people give him?

01:51:08.000 Because, like, oh, you're the Sugar Ray guy. 1.00

01:51:10.000 I mean, he probably got enough shit, you know. 0.99

01:51:12.000 Like, he's just one of those really, like, just talented guys. 1.00

01:51:16.000 Oh, there's a video of this.

01:51:17.000 Give me some volume.

01:51:19.000 This is him doing Rage. 0.99

01:51:24.000 That was funny shit, man. 0.99

01:51:27.000 Wow, look at this. 1.00

01:51:29.000 So there's Navarro, I think that's Brad Wilk on drums or whatever.

01:51:36.000 But he was making fun of himself before he came out there because I forget who he was following.

01:51:40.000 Oh, that's awesome.

01:51:41.000 He was going like, I know, I know.

01:51:42.000 Now you got to listen to the douche from Sugar Ray.

01:51:44.000 So he just totally makes fun of himself. 0.99

01:51:46.000 But then what I love is then he goes up and he fucking murders it. 0.99

01:51:50.000 Wow. 0.99

01:51:50.000 So it's just kind of like, he just reminded me of a comedian or whatever. 0.99

01:51:56.000 Did you get to hang out with Juliette Lewis?

01:51:59.000 No, I have before. 0.99

01:52:01.000 She's cool as shit. 0.99

01:52:02.000 I want to meet her. 1.00

01:52:03.000 Oh, she's cool as shit, too. 0.99

01:52:05.000 We've gone back and forth online together. 0.98

01:52:06.000 I was trying to get her on the podcast a few years ago, and I dropped the ball.

01:52:10.000 Oh, all right.

01:52:11.000 I was always worried that people like that would worry that I just want to harp on Scientology. 0.99

01:52:18.000 Because, you know, she's like a crazy Scientologist. 1.00

01:52:20.000 I grew up Catholic. 1.00

01:52:21.000 Look what the fuck they did. 1.00

01:52:23.000 And still doing. 1.00

01:52:25.000 Yeah.

01:52:26.000 No, listen, I hear you.

01:52:27.000 But I think she's still active. 1.00

01:52:30.000 They get sensitive about that shit. 0.99

01:52:32.000 I was thinking of going back to church. 1.00

01:52:34.000 Really?

01:52:34.000 Yeah.

01:52:35.000 Just in my own way.

01:52:37.000 How are you going to do it?

01:52:38.000 I'm going to go, but I'm not going to listen to anything.

01:52:40.000 And I'll stand up and sit down.

01:52:44.000 Are you going to get mad if they use certain inflections?

01:52:47.000 No, but I'm just going to kind of go there.

01:52:49.000 It's just a place.

01:52:49.000 I don't know.

01:52:50.000 I went last year with my mother-in-law.

01:52:53.000 Because she goes every week, and I went for Christmas Mass, and they had this New Orleans band, and I was like, dude, if they had this every fucking week, because the band sounded great, I would go.

01:53:02.000 But it just sort of reminded me of I used to be a better person. 0.76

01:53:06.000 I wasn't so jaded. 0.98

01:53:07.000 I used to go every fucking week. 0.99

01:53:10.000 You think you're jaded from not going to church? 0.99

01:53:13.000 I think you're jaded just from knowing too much.

01:53:16.000 Yeah, and just...

01:53:19.000 You know, no, it's just certain things just get out of control.

01:53:22.000 You know what it is?

01:53:22.000 When you become an adult, you have to be your own parent, which is weird.

01:53:27.000 Like, hey, Bill, it's time to go to bed.

01:53:28.000 Hey, Bill, lay off the booze.

01:53:30.000 You know, just certain things just kind of get out of whack, you know, almost like the mixer of your life, you know, something's up too high or too low.

01:53:38.000 And I just felt like going there reminded me...

01:53:42.000 It's a nice reminder for the week. 0.99

01:53:44.000 Like, hey, you know, how about you not be a cunt for the next couple of days? 0.99

01:53:48.000 That's what I get out of it. 0.99

01:53:49.000 I don't get like, you know, this guy walked on water and...

01:53:53.000 This is the right thing.

01:53:55.000 If you believe this, you're going to go to heaven.

01:53:57.000 If somebody believes something else, they're going to hell. 0.99

01:53:59.000 All of that stuff is just silly. 0.96

01:54:02.000 The way you put it is a good way of putting it. 0.89

01:54:04.000 That you have to be your own parent when you become an adult.

01:54:07.000 That's a great way of putting it.

01:54:08.000 Because one of the things that you get from whether it's God or any kind of spirituality is you get this idea that something's bigger than you.

01:54:16.000 Something's higher than you.

01:54:17.000 There's a higher purpose.

01:54:19.000 And you think about that instead of being selfish and just thinking about yourself.

01:54:22.000 That's what it is.

01:54:23.000 You can get like, you know, being a comic, not selling tickets is one of the most humbling things ever.

01:54:30.000 And then once you start selling tickets, you can kind of float away a little bit. 0.99

01:54:36.000 And just like, you know, like all the fucking bullshit that you had to go through. 1.00

01:54:42.000 Finding a flight you can afford and what fucking dirty cat-haired car are they going to pull up in to take me to the comedy condo? 1.00

01:54:49.000 There was always cat hair, right? 0.99

01:54:51.000 And then all of that goes away and then you just have this free time.

01:54:56.000 And what are you going to do with it?

01:54:58.000 And this free time and this privilege that you have and you can really go Roman Empire with it? 1.00

01:55:04.000 And fucking eat and drink and smoke and just be a jerk. 1.00

01:55:11.000 Or you can... 1.00

01:55:12.000 You can, I don't know, still be who the fuck... 0.99

01:55:16.000 Be as much as who you were or whatever. 0.99

01:55:18.000 Or try to help somebody out.

01:55:20.000 That's what it makes me think of when I went... 0.99

01:55:23.000 Because I got so caught up in like, this is bullshit. 0.99

01:55:25.000 That never happened. 1.00

01:55:26.000 They made that up.

01:55:27.000 This is just people writing this book.

01:55:28.000 And I went totally the other way.

01:55:30.000 So now I'm coming in the middle.

01:55:31.000 There's a reason why...

01:55:33.000 People do this beyond trying to control people and make money and power and all that.

01:55:38.000 There is something to it.

01:55:41.000 There's a benefit for the people that are there.

01:55:43.000 Yes.

01:55:43.000 So that's kind of what I was going there.

01:55:46.000 It's humbling. 0.95

01:55:47.000 It's kind of like when I left LA and I'm like, I'm never fucking living here again.

01:55:50.000 And then I started going back and I felt it pulling me back like, hey, you know.

01:55:54.000 This isn't that bad. 0.99

01:55:55.000 I'm like, fuck, I kind of like it. 0.99

01:55:56.000 So I went back to church with my mother-in-law and I was sitting there going like, there's an aspect of this that I liked. 0.99

01:56:03.000 I like the sense of community.

01:56:04.000 Yes.

01:56:07.000 You know, I didn't mind the little pep talk that the guy gives or whatever.

01:56:10.000 It would be nice if I didn't Didn't think, if I wasn't suspicious of them.

01:56:15.000 The problem with church is the problem with anybody that gets in any sort of a position of power.

01:56:20.000 It's easy to abuse it. 0.90

01:56:21.000 So to have a guy who's a pastor that's not a creep, and that really cares, and is really a good person, and really wants to care about the community, and really wants everybody to do better and get better with life, but isn't trying to buy a fucking Rolls Royce like Joel Osteen and live in a giant mansion. 0.88

01:56:39.000 Mega church? 0.91

01:56:40.000 Yeah, it always goes south.

01:56:42.000 It's absolute power.

01:56:43.000 You know what I love about Joel Osteen is he's an arena act.

01:56:46.000 Yeah, he is.

01:56:46.000 As a preacher, he bought the old place, the old arena where the Houston Rockets used to play.

01:56:53.000 Yeah, he bought it.

01:56:54.000 Yeah, that's how much money that guy has.

01:56:55.000 And then he fills it up.

01:56:57.000 Yeah.

01:56:58.000 Well, that was when the hurricane came.

01:57:00.000 People criticized him because he didn't open up his doors to all the folks who were displaced from their homes.

01:57:05.000 I was teasing them about that.

01:57:06.000 It's like, you saw that electric blue carpet he put on? 0.99

01:57:08.000 You fucking guys getting it all wet? 0.99

01:57:12.000 Electric blue? 1.00

01:57:13.000 No, he does. 1.00

01:57:14.000 He has his sick ass... 1.00

01:57:15.000 Look at that place. 1.00

01:57:16.000 Jesus Christ.

01:57:17.000 Oh, maybe it's the curtain that I thought.

01:57:18.000 Yeah.

01:57:19.000 I mean, look at that. 1.00

01:57:20.000 Look at the size of that fucking place. 1.00

01:57:21.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:57:23.000 Yeah, that looks like a Dice Clay special. 0.99

01:57:25.000 And all those people are throwing down.

01:57:26.000 All those people are paying to be there.

01:57:28.000 That guy is making...

01:57:30.000 I want to see somebody out there scalping tickets.

01:57:32.000 I got two by the altar.

01:57:33.000 There's two ways of looking at it, right?

01:57:35.000 One is he's getting all those people together and there's a sense of community amongst all of them. 0.85

01:57:39.000 And two is that guy's making a fuckload of money.

01:57:42.000 And he's got so much power.

01:57:44.000 You know, you got all those people just at your...

01:57:46.000 But it doesn't mean you're necessarily a bad...

01:57:48.000 It doesn't necessarily mean that.

01:57:49.000 He's like, what can you do with it?

01:57:51.000 Which is the reason why I'm thinking of...

01:57:54.000 You know, stopping in every once in a while.

01:57:56.000 Just gotta find a good spot.

01:57:58.000 Like, they were doing that rock and roll church thing for a while.

01:58:01.000 There was a...

01:58:02.000 I remember one of my friends who's a producer, his assistant was...

01:58:06.000 She was lost.

01:58:07.000 I think she...

01:58:08.000 Spiritually?

01:58:09.000 Yeah, she was lost.

01:58:10.000 She couldn't find the church.

01:58:10.000 She was lost in a lot of ways, but she was doing this...

01:58:14.000 What's going on, Jamie? 1.00

01:58:15.000 Oh, fuck! 1.00

01:58:17.000 What?! 1.00

01:58:18.000 $4,950 for a ticket?

01:58:20.000 Dude, you wanna go? 1.00

01:58:21.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:58:22.000 Yeah, we could do that. 1.00

01:58:23.000 I'll do that with you.

01:58:24.000 No, not $4,000.

01:58:25.000 It's $400.

01:58:25.000 No, no, no.

01:58:26.000 No, $4,950.

01:58:28.000 Two tickets.

01:58:29.000 For two tickets.

01:58:29.000 $5,000.

01:58:30.000 Where?

01:58:30.000 Right there.

01:58:31.000 Section four?

01:58:32.000 Row D. Row D. Dude, four grand. 1.00

01:58:34.000 I want that guy fucking... 1.00

01:58:35.000 That's not even at the stage. 1.00

01:58:36.000 I catch the handkerchief when he's done fucking preaching. 0.98

01:58:39.000 How much I get for row two or section two? 0.99

01:58:42.000 Row one.

01:58:42.000 They're not available.

01:58:43.000 Not available?

01:58:43.000 Sold out?

01:58:44.000 These are resale tickets too.

01:58:45.000 You know what it is, man? 0.99

01:58:46.000 They got fucking season passes. 1.00

01:58:48.000 People probably buy season passes for Joel Osteen. 1.00

01:58:50.000 This is his tour.

01:58:51.000 This is for his Florida stop.

01:58:52.000 Well, I saw there was a place that I was at that he was coming to.

01:58:56.000 One of the big spots I was at.

01:58:58.000 He does these arena tours.

01:59:00.000 And he does Vegas, too. 0.99

01:59:02.000 He does the fucking T-Mobile Arena in Vegas. 0.99

01:59:04.000 I want to see the show. 0.99

01:59:05.000 They got a giant-ass picture of him up there.

01:59:07.000 Is his eyes open or no? 1.00

01:59:09.000 Smiling and shit. 1.00

01:59:10.000 It's crazy. 0.99

01:59:11.000 It's a lot of money that guy's making. 1.00

01:59:12.000 I used to say, he's so full of shit he can't look at the crowd. 1.00

01:59:15.000 That's why his eyes are open. 1.00

01:59:16.000 Are they still here? 1.00

01:59:17.000 Are they still believing this shit? 1.00

01:59:22.000 When you're lying, eye contact is the toughest fucking thing ever. 1.00

01:59:26.000 Whatever, he's making people feel good. 0.99

01:59:28.000 Maybe he is.

01:59:29.000 He's in show business.

01:59:30.000 I want to see the show, though.

01:59:31.000 He's in the God show business business.

01:59:33.000 You have to respect an arena act, I think.

01:59:35.000 I think there's something to that.

01:59:36.000 Yeah, there's something to that.

01:59:40.000 This girl that I was talking about, she was real lost, and I think she was Jewish, or maybe she converted to Judaism later, but anyway, for one point in time, she was going to this rock and roll church.

01:59:50.000 She was a sweet kid.

01:59:51.000 She was like, you should go.

01:59:52.000 You would really like it.

01:59:53.000 I'm like, I guarantee you I wouldn't like it. 1.00

01:59:55.000 I'm like, wait, some young, hip guy, probably sings songs, probably tries to fuck women. 1.00

01:59:59.000 Like, get out of here with that. 1.00

02:00:00.000 It's like a yoga class.

02:00:02.000 It's like David Koresh.

02:00:03.000 That's how Waco got started.

02:00:04.000 How did it get started?

02:00:05.000 It got started with one guy with a guitar, and he brought that message of Jesus, and he had some really profound things to say, and it really helped them feel better.

02:00:13.000 It resonated with them.

02:00:14.000 Then he started banging people's wives, and that's what happens. 0.55

02:00:17.000 Yeah. 0.91

02:00:17.000 It always happens that way. 0.91

02:00:18.000 It always does, yeah.

02:00:19.000 Well, those rock and roll alternative churches, there's a few, like the Justin Bieber guy.

02:00:24.000 You know the guy that Justin Bieber has?

02:00:26.000 He's the one who told Justin to get off the road.

02:00:28.000 Get off the road, Justin.

02:00:29.000 Come back home to Jesus. 0.61

02:00:31.000 Like, he gets these guys to do that.

02:00:33.000 Didn't he get a basketball player to stop playing basketball, too?

02:00:36.000 No, not playing.

02:00:37.000 Wait, no, no, no, no, no.

02:00:38.000 That guy's not doing the road anymore?

02:00:39.000 Ah, he goes back and forth.

02:00:41.000 You know, he took a little time off.

02:00:42.000 I think he canceled his tour or something at the end of his tour.

02:00:45.000 Cancel his tour because the preacher told him it's...

02:00:48.000 Well, maybe he's right, though.

02:00:49.000 Let's be honest. 0.99

02:00:50.000 First of all, Bieber probably has a fucking billion dollars in the bank. 1.00

02:00:53.000 And maybe he was frayed around the edges and losing his fucking marbles. 1.00

02:00:57.000 The kid's 21 years old. 0.99

02:00:59.000 He's about as famous as a human being could possibly be.

02:01:01.000 Is he only 21?

02:01:02.000 Yeah, he's young.

02:01:04.000 There's the preacher.

02:01:04.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

02:01:06.000 Whoa! 1.00

02:01:07.000 With the fucking dick root! 1.00

02:01:09.000 Hold up! 1.00

02:01:11.000 What's going on with his fucking shorts? 1.00

02:01:13.000 Bro! 1.00

02:01:14.000 No!

02:01:15.000 No, no, no, no, no. 0.99

02:01:17.000 Any guy who's showing dick root. 0.99

02:01:19.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

02:01:20.000 Like the base of your cock. 1.00

02:01:22.000 You're pulling your shorts down to the base of your cock like that. 1.00

02:01:25.000 You're doing that because you're trying to get laid. 1.00

02:01:27.000 Stop. 1.00

02:01:28.000 Pull your fucking shorts up to a normal height. 1.00

02:01:31.000 Those things should be five inches higher. 1.00

02:01:34.000 I know what you're doing. 1.00

02:01:35.000 Your cock is slapping against your thing. 1.00

02:01:37.000 You probably don't even have underwear on, you fucking creep. 1.00

02:01:40.000 Jesus does not want you dressing like that. 1.00

02:01:43.000 No!

02:01:44.000 And look at him.

02:01:45.000 He's got abs.

02:01:46.000 Big ol' handsome guy. 0.99

02:01:47.000 He probably dicks chicks down for the Lord, right? 1.00

02:01:51.000 Dicks him down for Jesus. 0.99

02:01:53.000 Look at him.

02:01:54.000 Big ol' handsome, charismatic guy.

02:01:56.000 Dicking him down for Jesus. 0.62

02:01:59.000 Apparently he's a very good...

02:02:00.000 Oh, he's hanging with Oprah!

02:02:02.000 So you know he's legit.

02:02:06.000 They're all in the same business.

02:02:08.000 They're selling hope.

02:02:09.000 Hope and joy.

02:02:11.000 Hey, maybe he's good at it.

02:02:13.000 Maybe he's got something.

02:02:14.000 Maybe he helps people.

02:02:16.000 I'm suspicious.

02:02:17.000 I'm suspicious because of his shorts.

02:02:19.000 Just that alone.

02:02:20.000 That should be on the wall all over his church.

02:02:22.000 This is me at my worst.

02:02:23.000 Well, the worst thing you can do as an adult is to go out and try and find parents again.

02:02:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:02:28.000 That's the quickest way to end up in the trunk of somebody's fucking car. 1.00

02:02:32.000 Find someone to take care of you? 1.00

02:02:34.000 Yeah, well, I see that if your parents didn't pay attention to you or overly coddled you, I think then you go out and you start looking for a mom and a dad, a mom and a dad, and a mom and a dad, and you just give away all this fucking power. 0.99

02:02:47.000 You can never give power away to someone who shows dick root. 1.00

02:02:50.000 When they pull their shorts down to the base of their cock like that, like as far as you can legally get your shorts down without showing your dick. 1.00

02:02:57.000 As long as the pubes are trimmed, I don't think there's anything wrong. 1.00

02:02:59.000 It's okay?

02:02:59.000 It's alright.

02:03:00.000 That's interesting, right?

02:03:01.000 Because if the pubes weren't trimmed, it would be a problem. 0.95

02:03:04.000 Because if he had chaos down there, and he pulled it out, you could see the chaos?

02:03:08.000 Like, basically, there's a lot of pubes that you could see right there.

02:03:12.000 You could see a lot of pubes.

02:03:13.000 But if you did, it would be a real issue.

02:03:15.000 Isn't that interesting?

02:03:16.000 The same exact area is okay if you're only seeing skin. 0.99

02:03:20.000 But if you saw pubes right there, you'd be like, hey man, what in the fuck? 0.99

02:03:24.000 What are you doing? 0.99

02:03:25.000 That is so not acceptable in public.

02:03:30.000 That's almost like the male version of a thong. 0.99

02:03:33.000 Like if a guy could wear a thong.

02:03:36.000 It might be worse.

02:03:37.000 But it's funny though. 0.99

02:03:38.000 At least if you have a thong on, you're just a freak. 0.96

02:03:41.000 Like, I'm a freak. 0.96

02:03:41.000 I know. 0.96

02:03:42.000 I gotta be honest with you.

02:03:44.000 Naked guy, always funny.

02:03:45.000 It's pretty funny. 0.56

02:03:47.000 Naked guy, funny.

02:03:47.000 It depends.

02:03:48.000 It depends on the situation.

02:03:49.000 Depends on the guy.

02:03:50.000 Well, if you're alone and somebody jumped out of a bush, I mean, that's not a funny naked guy.

02:03:54.000 But back in the day when streaking...

02:03:56.000 That's right.

02:03:57.000 When a guy would jump out and run across a football field, I mean, it was the funniest... 0.99

02:04:02.000 It was just the funniest fucking thing ever. 0.99

02:04:06.000 They would tackle the guy. 1.00

02:04:07.000 They always had a silly hat and they would just start fucking running across. 1.00

02:04:12.000 You know what would always get me? 1.00

02:04:13.000 I would tense up when I'd see them tackle him because I would think about his dick. 1.00

02:04:17.000 His raw dick smashing into the dirt. 1.00

02:04:19.000 I saw a guy when I was at Boston University Terriers game. 1.00

02:04:24.000 They don't even play soccer anymore.

02:04:25.000 Nickerson Field. 0.53

02:04:27.000 And my godfather took me to the game, and we were sitting there, and all he had was a bandana on, and he was streaking across the field, and we were fucking crying laughing, and security was chasing me really fast. 0.97

02:04:40.000 He had a bandana and these fucking Adidas dragons. 0.94

02:04:44.000 It was way back in the day, right? 1.00

02:04:47.000 He fucking ran across, and he tried to jump over this fucking concrete thing, and he didn't land with his junk. 0.99

02:04:53.000 It was his inner thigh on the other one. 1.00

02:04:55.000 I was just like, oh!

02:04:56.000 He got over, and as far as I know, he got away.

02:04:58.000 But I mean, dude, it was just, it wasn't even like, it wasn't nice concrete. 0.90

02:05:03.000 It was that rough, unfinished shit, and he tried to hurdle it, and he got his junk, he got everything over, and it was that other leg. 0.99

02:05:12.000 Nice fucking raspberry. 1.00

02:05:14.000 It's amazing how vulnerable you dick is. 1.00

02:05:17.000 Dick and balls. 1.00

02:05:18.000 Just a simple trip with no pants on and slammed down on your dick. 1.00

02:05:24.000 You're just in horrible agony. 1.00

02:05:25.000 You would think there'd be some sort of junk rib cage. 0.99

02:05:28.000 You know? 0.69

02:05:31.000 To try and protect it, but it just...

02:05:34.000 Some sort of turtle shell.

02:05:36.000 No, it isn't. 1.00

02:05:37.000 It's just fucking... 0.99

02:05:37.000 Just out there. 0.99

02:05:38.000 Just out there.

02:05:39.000 Yeah, it's a terrible design. 0.99

02:05:42.000 Well, the function is, I mean, it has to go in, you know, in case you didn't notice, in case you haven't been using your dick, you know what it's for. 0.99

02:05:49.000 So something's got to be vulnerable, you know? 0.99

02:05:53.000 It's like the Death Star.

02:05:54.000 Well, it's also because the temperature, that's what it's for.

02:05:57.000 The temperature of your body heats up too much and kills your sperm. 0.97

02:06:00.000 So if your balls were internal and you were running around exercising, you would cook all your sperm. 0.99

02:06:05.000 So the balls are hanging low on the outside. 0.99

02:06:07.000 Well, why can't it go in and out like one of those electric antennas? 0.61

02:06:11.000 Maybe in the future it will.

02:06:12.000 Yeah.

02:06:13.000 Maybe if people keep evolving.

02:06:15.000 People keep evolving, you find a way to suck it up into your body.

02:06:18.000 That was the thing that we'd always hear about Weichiru guys.

02:06:21.000 Weichiru is a very particular hard style of karate. 0.97

02:06:23.000 And guys would literally get kicked in the balls. 0.98

02:06:25.000 They would kick each other in the balls. 0.99

02:06:26.000 And the idea was that under some... 0.99

02:06:30.000 Dubious instructors. 0.99

02:06:31.000 The idea was that these guys could actually suck their testicles up into their body, like they would train to pull their testicles up into their body. 0.97

02:06:38.000 And one day I talked to a doctor and he's like, that's not possible. 0.98

02:06:40.000 No, it isn't.

02:06:41.000 I'm like, no.

02:06:41.000 But they think they can.

02:06:43.000 But some guys can develop the ability to take a shot to the nuts.

02:06:48.000 There's been studies done on it. 1.00

02:06:50.000 There was one of those sports science shows where these guys, they measured the amount of force that a guy's throwing at this guy's dick when he punts him in the dick. 0.99

02:06:59.000 And the guy's standing there like this. 1.00

02:07:02.000 And he lets people just fucking straight up punt him right in the balls. 0.99

02:07:06.000 And he can take it. 0.99

02:07:07.000 Doesn't that affect his, you know, if he wants to be a dad?

02:07:10.000 It's definitely not good.

02:07:12.000 There's a trick to it.

02:07:13.000 There's certainly a trick. 1.00

02:07:14.000 The trick would be that even though you are definitely making contact with the balls, really most of the force is in the taint and the back of the ass. 0.99

02:07:21.000 Because, you know, you're kicking somebody, right? 0.99

02:07:24.000 Your foot extends past where your shin is, right?

02:07:28.000 Your shin is here.

02:07:30.000 Your foot is here. 0.99

02:07:31.000 So if your foot is slamming into the guy's ass and taint, it's really not a lot of... 0.99

02:07:37.000 You've really thought about this. 0.99

02:07:38.000 I have. 0.99

02:07:38.000 I've been kicked in the balls at least a hundred times. 0.99

02:07:41.000 Hard. 0.99

02:07:42.000 By grown men who know how to kick. 0.90

02:07:44.000 By black belts. 1.00

02:07:45.000 I've been kicked in the balls so many times. 1.00

02:07:48.000 Because when you're sparring, you get kicked in the balls all the time. 0.99

02:07:51.000 I mean, all the time. 0.98

02:07:52.000 You probably just get used to the pain. 1.00

02:07:54.000 I thought, before I had kids, I thought, my fucking balls are probably totally useless. 1.00

02:07:58.000 I'm like, I'm shooting blanks, for sure. 1.00

02:07:59.000 I just thought of all the times I've been slammed into the balls. 0.99

02:08:03.000 I mean, I've worn every fucking cup there is, especially back when I was competing. 0.99

02:08:09.000 Now they have some pretty sophisticated cups with Diamond MMA as this cup that's got a compression short and it sucks down into you and it's really hard rubber on the outside and you can actually take a good shot to the balls and it's not going to kill you. 0.99

02:08:22.000 But back when I was doing it, you would get those jocks.

02:08:25.000 It would just be a cup that fits in a jockstrap and you pull them up.

02:08:28.000 And then eventually they made some for martial arts where it just curved under a little bit more and the cup went back to your taint.

02:08:35.000 And the downside of that was there was a lot of abrasiveness when you were throwing kicks.

02:08:40.000 It would rub against your inner thigh.

02:08:43.000 And there was no compression shorts back then either.

02:08:45.000 But I've absolutely been... 0.99

02:08:48.000 I could fucking bet everything I have I've been kicked in the balls a hundred times. 0.99

02:08:54.000 No question about it. 1.00

02:08:56.000 They should take like a fucking, you know like they do like a mold? 0.99

02:09:00.000 They should do a mold of your junk and make a custom. 1.00

02:09:04.000 They should, right? 0.99

02:09:05.000 Remember that group who used to do like a mold of like all the rock stars' dicks? 0.97

02:09:10.000 Oh yeah, that's right. 0.97

02:09:12.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:09:12.000 Like a fleshlight for porn stars. 0.98

02:09:14.000 Yeah. 0.68

02:09:15.000 They do that.

02:09:15.000 So they would...

02:09:16.000 So it fits secure.

02:09:18.000 Yeah.

02:09:19.000 I don't know.

02:09:20.000 You get a gross look on your face here. 1.00

02:09:23.000 I get weirded out by that shit. 1.00

02:09:27.000 Fleshlights? 1.00

02:09:29.000 Yeah, like once there's the non-human element and like, hey, you want to fuck this thing that isn't alive? 0.99

02:09:35.000 There's just something like, you know? 1.00

02:09:37.000 Yeah, that's just fucking... 1.00

02:09:38.000 This is my asshole. 1.00

02:09:40.000 This is a rubber version of my asshole. 1.00

02:09:42.000 Yeah, I always... 1.00

02:09:43.000 I always, yeah.

02:09:45.000 Like back in the day when you wanted to get porn, you had to go into a store.

02:09:48.000 I just...

02:09:49.000 That stuff always... 1.00

02:09:50.000 It just seems serial killer like body part type shit. 1.00

02:09:54.000 Dehumanizing. 1.00

02:09:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:09:55.000 It's very effective though.

02:09:57.000 The Fleshlight was a sponsor for a while.

02:09:59.000 I remember.

02:10:00.000 In the early, early days.

02:10:00.000 Yeah.

02:10:01.000 Those things were great.

02:10:02.000 I stopped using them, though.

02:10:05.000 Even though it was a sponsor, I had to try it.

02:10:08.000 I had to try it.

02:10:10.000 After a while, I was like, what am I doing?

02:10:11.000 You did it for your listeners.

02:10:11.000 Oh, yeah.

02:10:12.000 That's it.

02:10:13.000 Only for the listeners.

02:10:14.000 It's very effective.

02:10:16.000 Okay.

02:10:17.000 Do you know about this?

02:10:18.000 What's that?

02:10:19.000 It's called a Vajinkle. 0.99

02:10:23.000 What?

02:10:23.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

02:10:25.000 I mean, how do you not, like, become, like, how does that not do brain damage to fuck that? 1.00

02:10:36.000 Oh, Jesus, that's so disgusting. 1.00

02:10:38.000 You think it's bad getting caught jerking off. 1.00

02:10:41.000 Can you imagine if you're slamming this foot into your fucking... 1.00

02:10:44.000 First of all, it looks real enough that you fucking killed somebody. 1.00

02:10:47.000 It looks real. 1.00

02:10:48.000 And now you're fucking... 1.00

02:10:49.000 Oh, my God, you can fuck a whole leg. 1.00

02:10:51.000 That is crazy how realistic that looks. 1.00

02:10:54.000 It looks like she's hanging from the ceiling.

02:10:56.000 She even has, like, the skin of her heel.

02:10:58.000 Looks like it's kind of mushy a little bit, right?

02:11:01.000 Like it's moving around because...

02:11:03.000 This site might get a little weirder too.

02:11:05.000 It says you can build your own mannequin here.

02:11:06.000 Okay. 0.99

02:11:07.000 Let's just get the fuck out of here. 0.74

02:11:10.000 Yeah, we are... 0.83

02:11:12.000 What are you doing?

02:11:13.000 I'm in synthetics.

02:11:15.000 That's what that's called.

02:11:16.000 Synthetics.

02:11:17.000 Oh yeah?

02:11:18.000 You make like parachutes and stuff?

02:11:20.000 Something like that.

02:11:21.000 Something.

02:11:21.000 Something like that.

02:11:24.000 What is it about feet? 0.99

02:11:25.000 You ever want to fucking elbow? 0.99

02:11:27.000 You do. 0.99

02:11:27.000 Here's my business card. 0.99

02:11:29.000 Um...

02:11:34.000 I don't know.

02:11:35.000 I think you buy that and a few weeks later you buy a giant freezer.

02:11:43.000 Just think you're going down that road, man.

02:11:45.000 Yeah, it ain't good.

02:11:47.000 That's not good. 0.82

02:11:47.000 Which I honestly think, like, there's so many people that had tendencies that never, when you're just living in log cabins and shit, like, you just never were able to explore. 0.82

02:11:57.000 And I feel like the same way, you know, I can watch all these people building cars and stuff, or you can tap into some dark shit about yourself and And, you know, that thing opens the coffin lid and sits up, and then that's in your fucking personality now. 0.99

02:12:14.000 It's a very, I don't know, I try to stay away from shit like that. 0.99

02:12:19.000 Well, especially if you're a kid that's been abused. 0.99

02:12:21.000 I think that's the real trigger.

02:12:22.000 The real trigger is kids that get abused, they get abused young, and then they develop this anger, this hatred.

02:12:28.000 And then, as they get older, then they find these weird outlets, and then they pursue them.

02:12:33.000 Yeah.

02:12:35.000 Yeah.

02:12:36.000 I can attest to a lot of that. 1.00

02:12:39.000 Basically describe my fucking life. 1.00

02:12:42.000 So anyways, we're going to fucking... 1.00

02:12:44.000 Let's go get in the sauna. 0.99

02:12:45.000 Let's do it.

02:12:46.000 We'll wrap this up.

02:12:47.000 Ladies and gentlemen... 0.99

02:12:48.000 Jesus Christ, now I'm going to be looking at your fucking foot when I'm in there. 1.00

02:12:53.000 F is for family. 1.00

02:12:57.000 Yes, please, show me something else so I get that out of my fucking head. 0.99

02:13:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:13:02.000 Parisian O'Neill, Comedy Benefit.

02:13:03.000 February 19th. 0.97

02:13:05.000 An amazing lineup for the greatest live comic I ever fucking saw.

02:13:10.000 Big Jay Oakerson, Chris Redd, Cypher Sounds, Gary Goleman, Jim Gaffigan, Michelle Wolf, Rich Voss, and other people that will... 0.97

02:13:19.000 I'll try to talk Joe into flying out there for it in the sauna when he gets fucking delirious enough. 0.98

02:13:25.000 Hell of a show. 0.99

02:13:25.000 Hell of a show, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

02:13:25.000 One of these years. 0.99

02:13:26.000 One of these years we gotta get you out there.

02:13:27.000 I'll be happy to.

02:13:28.000 Okay.

02:13:29.000 And then F is for family...

02:13:30.000 Season 3. Season 3. Streaming now on Netflix.

02:13:33.000 Streaming now. 1.00

02:13:34.000 God damn. 1.00

02:13:35.000 Woo! 1.00

02:13:36.000 Alright.

02:13:36.000 Thanks everybody.

02:13:37.000 Thank you Joe.

02:13:37.000 Bye.

02:13:38.000 Bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 20, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1219 - Bill Burr

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript