The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #123

00:00:00.000 Yeah.

00:00:03.000 Hey, everybody!

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00:00:27.000 Buckle up, bitches.

00:00:28.000 Tom Segura's in the house.

00:00:30.000 Holla!

00:00:31.000 All my girls back.

00:00:33.000 Shazam, bitches.

00:00:45.000 Welcome back.

00:00:48.000 What's up, brother?

00:00:49.000 What's up, man?

00:00:50.000 It's good to have you, buddy.

00:00:51.000 Thanks for having me, man.

00:00:52.000 We're going to be doing the Ice House in Pasadena this weekend.

00:00:57.000 It's a fun place, man.

00:00:58.000 That's one of those old school places.

00:01:00.000 I think they've been open for 30 years now or something crazy.

00:01:03.000 Yeah, they've been open over...

00:01:05.000 I think...

00:01:06.000 Don't they claim to be the oldest comedy club in the nation?

00:01:08.000 I think they might be.

00:01:09.000 It's them and then the Comedy and Magic Club is right up in there, too.

00:01:13.000 Yeah.

00:01:13.000 And then the store, I think.

00:01:14.000 But if you go there, it's one of those places that has...

00:01:18.000 It's like a fucking comedy museum as well as a stand-up comedy club.

00:01:22.000 Really cool.

00:01:22.000 That's the coolest part.

00:01:23.000 Yeah, because you're walking around and you see headshots.

00:01:27.000 From like the 70s, man.

00:01:29.000 Headshots from the 80s.

00:01:30.000 And contracts.

00:01:31.000 Yeah.

00:01:31.000 I saw a David Letterman contract last time I was there.

00:01:35.000 And his Social Security number is on it, but it's covered by the frame.

00:01:39.000 And I'm like, damn, if you really wanted David Letterman's Social Security number, you'd just steal this picture and break that frame.

00:01:44.000 You just gave somebody an idea.

00:01:46.000 Why'd you give somebody that idea?

00:01:48.000 How about you bring that up to us before the podcast, then we say, yeah, maybe we shouldn't talk about that on the air.

00:01:53.000 And you go, yeah, I guess you're right.

00:01:54.000 Whoops.

00:01:54.000 Now you've got to talk to the eyes out.

00:01:56.000 I'll be there tomorrow night.

00:01:58.000 Tickets on sale, free coupon code on my Twitter.

00:02:00.000 They have other contacts, too.

00:02:01.000 They didn't alter it at all?

00:02:03.000 I don't know.

00:02:04.000 They might have, but I was looking at it and I was like, holy shit, why is that just sitting there?

00:02:08.000 That seems like they would know that by now, you know?

00:02:11.000 It has to be altered.

00:02:12.000 Yeah, it must be altered.

00:02:13.000 I would assume.

00:02:14.000 Hopefully.

00:02:15.000 Jesus Christ.

00:02:15.000 Unless I'm just a crook looking at fucking headshots and I'm like, wow.

00:02:18.000 They busted a bunch of those anonymous cats, huh?

00:02:20.000 Yeah, a shitload of them.

00:02:22.000 Some in California, too.

00:02:23.000 And what do they charge them with?

00:02:25.000 I don't know.

00:02:26.000 That's like cyber terrorism or something like that.

00:02:28.000 Is that what it is?

00:02:29.000 Yeah, that's hardcore federal shit.

00:02:31.000 What did they do exactly?

00:02:32.000 I know they went after companies they thought were bad.

00:02:36.000 They hacked PayPal, I think they did, or they fucked with PayPal somehow.

00:02:39.000 I can't remember.

00:02:42.000 taking people's pay pals and like buying things on amazon like it was all fun stuff like they would buy like diapers to an old person or something like that and uh things like that but it was hacking paypal which i guess could be considered like a bank or something like that so that would be a federal crime i would imagine yeah they're fucked huh yeah you get in real trouble for that It's terrorism.

00:03:06.000 Do you remember they used to not have laws for this stuff?

00:03:09.000 When people would do things like this for the first time, and people would get like, we don't really have a law yet for breaking into this type of account, because they didn't know this shit existed.

00:03:20.000 So they had to pass all these laws.

00:03:22.000 We still have to pass laws for new crimes.

00:03:25.000 You know what I mean?

00:03:25.000 Technology allows for new crimes to take place.

00:03:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:03:30.000 Crimes that didn't exist before.

00:03:32.000 They weren't possible before.

00:03:33.000 You remember when they first started using those things over the phone?

00:03:37.000 Where they would have tones that you could call and use over the phone and it would like hack the phones?

00:03:43.000 Yeah.

00:03:44.000 What the fuck was that?

00:03:45.000 Yeah, how did that work?

00:03:47.000 I can't even remember.

00:03:48.000 This is something you could do to a phone by sending a tone through it.

00:03:53.000 And that certain tone would interact with the machine on the other side.

00:03:57.000 And I don't know what the fuck it allowed you to do.

00:03:59.000 But just the fact that somebody figured that out, man.

00:04:01.000 Yeah.

00:04:02.000 People are so creepy.

00:04:03.000 They'll try to exploit every little, you know, in any little system.

00:04:07.000 There's got to be some way to make money off this.

00:04:10.000 That's why security never becomes foolproof.

00:04:13.000 Yeah.

00:04:14.000 When you develop a new security system, it becomes someone's mission to break that.

00:04:19.000 So then you just make it as good as it can be, and then you have to evolve that.

00:04:21.000 You kind of need those guys, though, because if you don't have those guys, you don't have any realistic sense of how secure your data is.

00:04:29.000 Oh, yeah.

00:04:29.000 You need some fucking psychos going after your shit.

00:04:33.000 If psychos go after your website, then you know.

00:04:36.000 Then you know.

00:04:37.000 Because you can't just have your employees, well, we're going to test it from the outside and see if we can whack in.

00:04:42.000 Nah, you don't have enough motivation, stupid.

00:04:44.000 You need to be hating the government.

00:04:46.000 Did you tweet that article about the guy who is going to prison now for life or something?

00:04:52.000 For hacking his neighbors?

00:04:54.000 Yeah, he's going for 18 years.

00:04:56.000 Well, he was terrorizing the family.

00:04:57.000 That was an amazing person.

00:04:59.000 Horrible story.

00:05:00.000 You hear shit about that?

00:05:01.000 You realize that somebody can just do that?

00:05:03.000 That's terrifying.

00:05:04.000 I think as a business, the only way to protect yourself from these hacks, like Anonymous and stuff like that, is just to have a shitload of cats on your website.

00:05:13.000 You know, so if it's like Wells Fargo Bank, just put cats all over the place.

00:05:16.000 Because I think that's how crazy this shit is, like this anonymous and stuff is.

00:05:21.000 It seems like they're only attacking people unless you don't get the internet, you know?

00:05:25.000 It's almost like, hey, if you like cats and if you like piracy and torrents and shit like that, then you're on our side.

00:05:32.000 But it's almost like it's like a gang, like an internet gang, you know?

00:05:37.000 What are you saying?

00:05:38.000 I don't understand what you're saying.

00:05:40.000 It's connections to 4chan, as an example, and things like that.

00:05:45.000 Even if they're not in 4chan or whatever.

00:05:49.000 4chan supports them, they support 4chan.

00:05:51.000 Yeah, and then Louis Sack supports Anonymous.

00:05:57.000 It's almost like you just almost have to be in some kind of gang and just have a lot of cats on your website, I think, to protect you.

00:06:04.000 What is the cats on the website?

00:06:06.000 Just because that's like saying, hey, I'm on the internet too.

00:06:09.000 I like cats and hamburgers.

00:06:11.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

00:06:14.000 You really need to go to a doctor.

00:06:17.000 If you think anything in that sentence has been any sentence, you need to go to a doctor.

00:06:20.000 I did not follow.

00:06:21.000 Alright, you want me to explain it?

00:06:22.000 No, no, no, no.

00:06:23.000 Definitely not.

00:06:24.000 Definitely not.

00:06:26.000 No, let's move on from that.

00:06:27.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

00:06:29.000 Fucking cats.

00:06:30.000 The thing, the best thing...

00:06:30.000 I know what you're saying, though, that it seems like they're in kind of a gang.

00:06:33.000 And it does seem like...

00:06:34.000 Sorry, I honestly didn't follow.

00:06:36.000 I'm sorry.

00:06:37.000 Alright.

00:06:38.000 You know the internet.

00:06:38.000 What's popular on the internet?

00:06:40.000 Cats.

00:06:40.000 Cats and shit like that.

00:06:41.000 Are cats really that popular on the internet?

00:06:43.000 Fuck yeah.

00:06:44.000 It's porn, cats...

00:06:46.000 Really?

00:06:47.000 Is this what happened to Egypt when Egypt went down and saw that cat worship?

00:06:51.000 Are they going to look at us the same way?

00:06:53.000 Maybe this is what cat worship is.

00:06:55.000 If you looked around people's fucking houses, your cat, your thing that you have with the cat with the dynamite on it, that lucky cat, think about how many porcelain cats are all throughout people's homes.

00:07:06.000 Tons.

00:07:06.000 There's a lot of them.

00:07:07.000 There's a lot.

00:07:09.000 If archaeologists came here from the future, they might say, well, there were this weird cat-worshipping group of fucking non-environmentally conscious freaks.

00:07:18.000 Yeah, cats were running shit.

00:07:19.000 And then they would find out about the toxoplasma shit, and they would make some half-ass hypothesis that the reason why we were so fascinated with cats is we all had toxo.

00:07:27.000 Sure.

00:07:28.000 And that's what made us all go crazy.

00:07:30.000 Do you think that we, wrong, like, inaccurately...

00:07:34.000 Get an idea of past civilizations.

00:07:37.000 I think they have to.

00:07:39.000 You have to be, right?

00:07:40.000 Where you're like, here's what they used to do.

00:07:42.000 What fucks my mind, man?

00:07:44.000 40,000 years ago.

00:07:45.000 What fucks my mind is shit like Sumer.

00:07:50.000 Because there's only a fucking handful of people who can read that shit.

00:07:55.000 That's cuneiform, I think it's called.

00:07:57.000 And it's these weird lines.

00:07:59.000 And man, it takes forever to translate that shit.

00:08:02.000 And there's a lot of discrepancies.

00:08:04.000 That's why that whole Zechariah Sitchin movement, if you're not aware of that.

00:08:08.000 You know the Zechariah Sitchin shit, right?

00:08:11.000 He believes that in his study of the Sumerian text.

00:08:15.000 This guy was like a legit scholar on ancient languages.

00:08:19.000 And he believed that through his study of the ancient Sumerian text, he believed that it was a detailed account of how human beings were created by an advanced intellect called the Anunnaki, and that they mixed their DNA with us.

00:08:33.000 And he says this is all in this ancient text, and it's very disputed.

00:08:37.000 There's a lot of people that don't agree with him, a lot of Like mainstream, you know, scholars from that era, they don't agree with him, but this guy stuck to his fucking guns, and he believed that the entire human race was created by these, you know, these things called the Anunnaki.

00:08:55.000 This is all written down.

00:08:57.000 What really fucks my mind is whether or not that's what they wrote down or who knows what crazy person wrote whatever you're reading.

00:09:05.000 What you're reading doesn't necessarily represent the whole world.

00:09:08.000 What if you stumbled onto a pile of ancient Stephen King books?

00:09:12.000 Who the fuck knows?

00:09:13.000 Who the fuck knows what exactly you're reading?

00:09:15.000 It fucks my mind that you can go that far back with people.

00:09:20.000 It's like you can really trace progress, but things get lost somewhere along the way.

00:09:26.000 And there's a few places where it's like, they'll just stumble on some shit and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:09:31.000 Where'd this come from?

00:09:32.000 Troy?

00:09:33.000 You mean Troy is real?

00:09:34.000 Yeah.

00:09:35.000 This is a real city?

00:09:36.000 What the fuck?

00:09:36.000 Now, recently Atlantis, they found Atlantis in Spain.

00:09:40.000 They're almost positive.

00:09:41.000 It has the concentric rings.

00:09:43.000 It looks just like it.

00:09:44.000 It's in the right area.

00:09:46.000 Really?

00:09:47.000 Yeah.

00:09:47.000 There's also...

00:09:49.000 There's also some interesting evidence that there was models of Atlantis that resembled this place, and they had been passed down, and the images so closely matched and had all these symbols in it that represented symbols of Atlantis.

00:10:06.000 It's just way too close.

00:10:07.000 A lot of scholars are getting on board with this.

00:10:10.000 They think they found it.

00:10:11.000 So it's like so much shit.

00:10:13.000 They're always finding ancient shit.

00:10:16.000 It's like...

00:10:17.000 The civilization has gone so fucking far, but we can't really follow it in a straight line.

00:10:24.000 No, especially before a certain time.

00:10:26.000 Yeah, when you get 2000 BC, oh man, son, how long ago is that?

00:10:32.000 You notice too that when those things get really old ones, they're like, this is a civilization that's 40,000 years old, and they'll read something on the wall.

00:10:43.000 They never take into account the possibility That it's art.

00:10:48.000 They're like, this is like documentation showing that they loved whales and that they would fuck here and talk to the sun here and then eat the whale.

00:11:00.000 This is what they did in their day.

00:11:01.000 And you go, what if it was just somebody...

00:11:04.000 Painting or drawing.

00:11:05.000 Yeah.

00:11:06.000 That's never really a possibility.

00:11:08.000 Well, when human beings first figured out how to communicate, for sure, right away they started lying.

00:11:13.000 Right away.

00:11:14.000 Right.

00:11:15.000 I mean, as soon as they realized they could lie and get away with things, and then you don't get in trouble for stuff, people just started lying.

00:11:20.000 For sure.

00:11:21.000 It has to be old as fuck.

00:11:24.000 It seems like just an inherent escape door in consciousness.

00:11:29.000 The ability to communicate, but then...

00:11:31.000 Give deceptive communication and fuck with other people.

00:11:34.000 So from right away, people were probably untrustworthy.

00:11:39.000 And especially in their depictions of the past.

00:11:41.000 Especially when they talk about things that happened.

00:11:44.000 I mean, Jesus Christ.

00:11:45.000 Everybody knows that the winners write the history books.

00:11:47.000 And back then, the history books were written on animal skins.

00:11:51.000 Who the fuck knows what really happened?

00:11:54.000 You know, it's like, it's very shady at best.

00:11:57.000 And you don't, you never portray yourself really in a negative life.

00:12:00.000 Never.

00:12:00.000 Shameful.

00:12:00.000 Yeah, no one's a bad guy.

00:12:02.000 Yeah.

00:12:03.000 Yeah, but it's you.

00:12:04.000 I mean, it's, I mean, that's, of course, there's, you know, different cultures and they have different depictions of the same story and you can kind of extrapolate from all those who's probably got it right.

00:12:12.000 But it's a lot of gray area, man.

00:12:13.000 Yeah.

00:12:14.000 You're talking about, you know, thousands and thousands of years ago.

00:12:16.000 And then they constantly have to move the date.

00:12:19.000 They found that place in Turkey recently over the last decade or so, I believe.

00:12:23.000 It's called Gobekli Tepe and it predates anything by like 5,000 years.

00:12:29.000 It's like 12,000, 13,000 years old.

00:12:31.000 And they're like, fuck!

00:12:33.000 We didn't even think people were making shit back then.

00:12:35.000 They thought that back then people were just strictly hunter-gatherers.

00:12:38.000 So there's all sorts of like...

00:12:40.000 And they don't know anything about that culture.

00:12:42.000 They're like, what is this?

00:12:43.000 Why do they have lizards on these rocks that they've carved out?

00:12:47.000 They have these giant columns with lizards on them.

00:12:49.000 This one's got a sheep on it.

00:12:50.000 What the fuck were they doing?

00:12:51.000 Is this all the stuff they eat?

00:12:54.000 What is this?

00:12:55.000 The lines of Nazca.

00:12:56.000 Have you ever seen those?

00:12:57.000 Dude.

00:12:58.000 Those are amazing.

00:12:59.000 That's a trip.

00:13:01.000 And they're so enormous.

00:13:03.000 I know this is obviously what everyone says about it, but it really blows your mind when you think about it.

00:13:09.000 The only way you can see what you're doing is if you're in the air.

00:13:13.000 There's no other way to see...

00:13:15.000 How well you did this.

00:13:17.000 And these things are so old that, like, how could you check it out?

00:13:21.000 I mean, the lines are as wide as roads.

00:13:25.000 Yeah.

00:13:26.000 Roads.

00:13:26.000 Yeah.

00:13:27.000 Wide.

00:13:27.000 With turns.

00:13:28.000 Perfect.

00:13:29.000 Yeah.

00:13:29.000 Perfect lines.

00:13:31.000 The only way, like, you see crop, like, they do it on farms, right?

00:13:34.000 Like, they'll do, like, fun things.

00:13:35.000 But the only way they're seeing what they're doing is somebody's in a plane and radioing, like, now here.

00:13:42.000 Drive six yards.

00:13:43.000 Well, the guys who make the crop circles don't have to do that.

00:13:47.000 The guys who make the crop circles...

00:13:50.000 is they just mark some numbers down.

00:13:52.000 They figure out distances.

00:13:53.000 They call themselves the circle makers.

00:13:56.000 And they've shown that you can make certain pretty intricate crop circles.

00:14:01.000 But what's amazing about this is that we know that there's air flight now.

00:14:07.000 We know...

00:14:08.000 That people are going to see these crop circles.

00:14:10.000 I mean, if people made these things for fun or for hijinks, if that's why they're making these crop circles, these beautiful designs, just to make people go, whoa, what the fuck?

00:14:17.000 We know that people are going to see them from a plane.

00:14:19.000 So the idea that these can only be seen from the sky, it's like, who are you making them for?

00:14:24.000 And the fact that they're thousands and thousands of years old, it's the point where they don't really know exactly.

00:14:31.000 Do we not even know exactly?

00:14:32.000 They don't really know.

00:14:33.000 No, they don't know why.

00:14:34.000 They don't know who.

00:14:35.000 They don't know what it symbolizes.

00:14:36.000 They don't know if the fucking mountain was flattened out, by the way.

00:14:39.000 Do you know there's an area where the Nazca lines is?

00:14:42.000 That it looks like it was fucking excavated.

00:14:45.000 It looks like it was flattened out.

00:14:48.000 It looks like it was sculpted.

00:14:50.000 It looks like it was worked on by machines.

00:14:53.000 I don't know if it was, but I wouldn't be fucking completely surprised that there wasn't Some very sophisticated level of humanity at one point in time that died off and dropped back.

00:15:06.000 I don't know if they were ever as far as we were, but who knows, man?

00:15:10.000 When you see shit like that, there might have been some people flying fucking planes three or four thousand years ago.

00:15:16.000 That might have been real.

00:15:17.000 That could be.

00:15:18.000 It might be.

00:15:19.000 It might be.

00:15:19.000 It's fucking...

00:15:20.000 Why else would they draw those things, man?

00:15:22.000 Why would they do that?

00:15:23.000 They're incredible.

00:15:25.000 They're giant.

00:15:25.000 Massive, and yeah, it's what's the purpose.

00:15:27.000 Those are from the sky.

00:15:28.000 You're supposed to look at it from the sky.

00:15:29.000 You know, you're doing it just for the satisfaction of knowing that someone can look at it from the sky.

00:15:34.000 Really?

00:15:34.000 And this is going to be like a common practice in a place where it looks like there's runways.

00:15:38.000 And it's also, it's not only you get to see from the sky, it's out of the way in the sky.

00:15:43.000 Yeah.

00:15:43.000 Like, that shit is way out of the way.

00:15:45.000 Maybe back then, though, you didn't really understand life.

00:15:48.000 So you were like, I know there's something up there that it storms on us.

00:15:52.000 We have heard thunder.

00:15:54.000 I am going to make a sign to appease to the god that So you might be not like a plane, but it's more like a ritual, like an offering.

00:16:01.000 That's definitely a real possibility.

00:16:02.000 Absolutely.

00:16:03.000 Sure, that's possible.

00:16:04.000 The thing that you have to consider more is the straight lines.

00:16:08.000 They look like runways.

00:16:09.000 They're all over the place up there.

00:16:11.000 Huge.

00:16:12.000 It looks like goddamn Logan Airport.

00:16:14.000 That's what it looks like.

00:16:15.000 It looks like an airport.

00:16:16.000 There's all these runways.

00:16:17.000 What's those big statues that were big rectangles that had their mouths open and they had like, you know what I'm talking about?

00:16:24.000 And they used it in the Gradius video game.

00:16:27.000 They're on an island.

00:16:29.000 Oh, the East Ireland?

00:16:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:31.000 Oh, that's a trip too.

00:16:32.000 Yeah, that's, I mean.

00:16:34.000 That shit's awesome.

00:16:34.000 They really, they struggled to figure out how they moved those stones thousands and thousands of years ago, how they cut them so well.

00:16:41.000 Machu Picchu's like that too.

00:16:42.000 Yeah.

00:16:43.000 Those stones are no shit the size of the wall behind you, and they lay into another stone like this.

00:16:52.000 You can't slide a piece of paper between them.

00:16:56.000 You look at these boulders, basically.

00:16:59.000 They're smooth.

00:17:00.000 They're shaped.

00:17:02.000 They're massive, so you go, this would take...

00:17:04.000 Hundreds of people, and then how would you get it to fit into the next rock, where it looks like they're made for each other?

00:17:11.000 It's unbelievable.

00:17:13.000 It's pretty deep shit.

00:17:14.000 Yeah, and you see how it lasts.

00:17:15.000 I've been there.

00:17:16.000 I've been there three times to that place, to Machu Picchu.

00:17:18.000 Really?

00:17:19.000 Yeah.

00:17:20.000 Is it a cool trip?

00:17:21.000 Would you recommend going as a vacation?

00:17:23.000 Absolutely.

00:17:23.000 Did it blow your mind?

00:17:24.000 Every time.

00:17:25.000 Every time.

00:17:26.000 What is it like?

00:17:27.000 What does it feel like when you're up there?

00:17:28.000 First of all, isn't it like 10,000 feet above sea level or something crazy?

00:17:31.000 I don't think it's that high up.

00:17:32.000 I mean, it's in the Andes.

00:17:34.000 You fly to...

00:17:36.000 To Cusco in the south of Peru.

00:17:39.000 And then you take a train from Cusco to...

00:17:43.000 By the way, if I was a single girl and you were telling me all this, I'd be so attracted to you right now.

00:17:47.000 I'd be like, he's the man of the world.

00:17:50.000 He's been to Machu Picchu.

00:17:51.000 He's so amazing.

00:17:52.000 I think I can get him to go vegan.

00:17:54.000 I highly recommend a Merlot.

00:17:55.000 And then I'd be like, I jerked off to fart porn.

00:17:57.000 7,900 feet above sea level.

00:18:00.000 That's where it is.

00:18:00.000 It's pretty high up, man.

00:18:01.000 Yeah.

00:18:01.000 And...

00:18:03.000 They have no idea how old that shit is either, right?

00:18:05.000 They have estimations for that.

00:18:07.000 I mean, it was definitely discovered by...

00:18:09.000 I think they said that they were there in the 1560s, they think it was built.

00:18:14.000 I think it was 1560s.

00:18:16.000 You know, that's one of those disputed ones with that Graham Hancock guy.

00:18:19.000 And I know a lot of people are like, this is pseudoscience.

00:18:22.000 He's the guy that predates all these structures.

00:18:27.000 He's got a thing on the Great Spinks with this other guy, Dr. Robert Schock out of Boston University.

00:18:36.000 And they think that the Sphinx is like thousands and thousands of years older than everybody thinks it is.

00:18:40.000 Yeah.

00:18:41.000 Then conventional Egyptologists claim it is.

00:18:43.000 Well, he's also got a thing about Machu Picchu, that they think at one time Machu Picchu was actually on the shores of some water.

00:18:50.000 Really?

00:18:51.000 Yeah, that it was on the shores of a river or the shores of a lake or an ocean or something like that.

00:18:55.000 It is stunning.

00:18:57.000 Fuck.

00:18:58.000 The thing is, it really puts in...

00:19:00.000 This is true about everything, that the magnitude and the greatness of something...

00:19:04.000 You can't measure it.

00:19:05.000 It doesn't matter how many videos or photos you see.

00:19:08.000 You have to see it.

00:19:08.000 I mean, it's like seeing a band live or seeing a person who just has some...

00:19:15.000 Seeing Tom Cigar at the Ice House this weekend.

00:19:17.000 At the Ice House.

00:19:17.000 Friday and Saturday night.

00:19:18.000 Two shows.

00:19:19.000 Sold out both nights, bitches.

00:19:20.000 Sorry.

00:19:21.000 Did you tag the statues?

00:19:22.000 What's that?

00:19:23.000 Did you tag the statues?

00:19:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:25.000 I dare you even suggest it.

00:19:27.000 Did anybody ever dare put graffiti on those things?

00:19:30.000 Oh, yeah.

00:19:31.000 I'm sure.

00:19:31.000 Have you seen graffiti?

00:19:33.000 Have you seen graffiti?

00:19:34.000 No.

00:19:34.000 That's cool.

00:19:35.000 Yeah, dude, that's like a sacred place.

00:19:37.000 That would be awful if you would not leave there.

00:19:38.000 So tell us the story.

00:19:40.000 I'm sorry, I'm making fun of you being so attractive with your knowledge.

00:19:43.000 You get in a bus or a train, and you get somewhere.

00:19:46.000 So how does it go?

00:19:47.000 Yeah, well, you fly in a Cusco, which is way up in the mountains.

00:19:52.000 And this is all in Peru.

00:19:53.000 In Peru, yeah.

00:19:54.000 So, when you arrive in Cusco, you're up high already.

00:19:58.000 Cusco is pretty high up in the mountains, and you get, like, powerful headaches.

00:20:03.000 You know, headaches you get in, like, high-altitude places.

00:20:07.000 But I'm pretty sure it's higher than, like...

00:20:09.000 You know, Tahoe or any place like that where you're like, oh man, like a head hurts because you have serious oxygen deprivation.

00:20:18.000 And in Peru, they chew coca leaves and they drink coca tea, the tea, the leaves that are used to make cocaine.

00:20:24.000 I had that shit.

00:20:25.000 Mate de coco?

00:20:26.000 Yeah.

00:20:26.000 I did not like it.

00:20:27.000 I've never done cocaine.

00:20:28.000 I've always been terrified of it.

00:20:30.000 Yeah.

00:20:30.000 But I knew that people, when they did coke, they couldn't shut the fuck up.

00:20:34.000 Yeah.

00:20:34.000 So I drank this tea, and I couldn't shut the fuck up.

00:20:37.000 Really?

00:20:38.000 And I was saying that.

00:20:39.000 I was with Doug Stanhope.

00:20:40.000 And I was telling him, like, dude, I can't shut the fuck up.

00:20:43.000 I go, I literally can't shut the fuck up.

00:20:44.000 Can you imagine him on cocaine?

00:20:45.000 That seems insane, dude.

00:20:47.000 Please.

00:20:48.000 I would love to have a video of you on cocaine.

00:20:50.000 That is not for me.

00:20:51.000 He would be fired up, dude.

00:20:53.000 I don't think I want to know that that's even possible.

00:20:55.000 Yeah.

00:20:55.000 I don't want to be any more intense than I am.

00:20:58.000 I'm good.

00:20:59.000 I don't need that shit.

00:21:00.000 That's a horror movie right there.

00:21:01.000 Joe Rogan on cocaine.

00:21:03.000 This summer, he turns into...

00:21:04.000 And doing your act.

00:21:06.000 Doing stand-up.

00:21:07.000 On cocaine?

00:21:08.000 Oh, just all angry and fucking like a punk rock.

00:21:10.000 And somebody heckles you and you just fucking...

00:21:12.000 Shut the fuck up!

00:21:13.000 Throw the mic down.

00:21:14.000 You're like Ron Artest.

00:21:15.000 You just jump out in the stands and start beating somebody.

00:21:17.000 Are you accusing Ron Artest of doing cocaine?

00:21:19.000 Maybe.

00:21:20.000 Wow.

00:21:20.000 Strong words.

00:21:22.000 You know what Joe Rogan on cocaine would look like?

00:21:23.000 What's up, Ron?

00:21:24.000 What's up, Ron?

00:21:26.000 Get at me.

00:21:27.000 Put me on your show.

00:21:28.000 Joe Rogan on cocaine would look like that Rise of the Planet Apes trailer that you haven't seen yet.

00:21:32.000 Oh, I have seen that.

00:21:34.000 Isn't that fucking insane?

00:21:35.000 When you said a monkey movie, I thought you meant a documentary.

00:21:37.000 No.

00:21:37.000 Rise of the Planet of the Apes looks like the shit.

00:21:40.000 It's fucking amazing.

00:21:41.000 August 5th, bitches.

00:21:42.000 When that one jumps out of a helicopter or something.

00:21:46.000 I'm a little child, bro.

00:21:47.000 I'll take Planet of the Apes.

00:21:48.000 You can redo that shit for me every two years.

00:21:50.000 I'm a dummy.

00:21:51.000 You can have a new script where I know what's going to happen every couple of years and you got me.

00:21:56.000 I'm just going to tell you right now.

00:21:57.000 I commit myself to all you people making Planet of the Apes movies.

00:22:01.000 I commit myself.

00:22:02.000 Come out with a new one every two years and you got me.

00:22:04.000 I promise you.

00:22:05.000 I will buy the Blu-ray.

00:22:06.000 I will support you.

00:22:07.000 I will talk about how good it is on Twitter.

00:22:09.000 Please, keep coming with the Crazy Monkey movies.

00:22:12.000 Crazy Monkey movies are good.

00:22:13.000 They're the shit, dude.

00:22:15.000 This one, so it looks like the researchers are fucking with apes, right?

00:22:20.000 Yeah.

00:22:21.000 And they break out and...

00:22:22.000 Well, this is sort of what's supposed to be the prequel to Planet of the Apes.

00:22:26.000 This is what caused the problems.

00:22:28.000 Oh.

00:22:28.000 You know, the idea of Planet of the Apes is a guy goes to the future, right?

00:22:31.000 Yeah.

00:22:31.000 And he lands in the future and they're...

00:22:33.000 The world's run by monkeys.

00:22:35.000 What do you think about the CGI? It's fucking incredible.

00:22:37.000 Yeah, now it does have that little fake look.

00:22:39.000 A little bit.

00:22:40.000 It's still got a little bit of that I Am Legend shit going on when you look in their faces.

00:22:44.000 Yeah.

00:22:44.000 They don't quite have it, man.

00:22:45.000 It's interesting that they can't do living things quite right.

00:22:49.000 Wow.

00:22:50.000 Wow.

00:22:50.000 I wonder if there's going to be any heartwarming moments.

00:22:52.000 It seems like there's going to be some heartwarming moments.

00:22:54.000 Let me tell you something.

00:22:55.000 If you saw a chimp that looked at you like this chimp, you would start screaming.

00:22:58.000 The fact that they were all cool with that, that's just weird.

00:23:01.000 If you saw that chimp, that chimp would be a huge internet hit.

00:23:05.000 Oh, I didn't know Dexter Morgan was in this.

00:23:07.000 Wow.

00:23:08.000 I haven't seen this one.

00:23:10.000 This is a badass preview.

00:23:12.000 Jonathan Lithgow and a...

00:23:15.000 Yeah, this is the full one.

00:23:17.000 This shows you where they fucked up.

00:23:19.000 They raised a chimp.

00:23:19.000 That was their little buddy.

00:23:20.000 Then they locked him up in a jail.

00:23:22.000 Oh my god.

00:23:23.000 So it's got a good fucking comeback sense to it.

00:23:27.000 You root for the chimps.

00:23:28.000 You realize what cunts human beings are, and you root for the chimps.

00:23:31.000 Is that the logline for the movie?

00:23:33.000 Yes, that's the way I'm promoting it.

00:23:35.000 I'm promoting it on sort of a separate underground label sort of division of the movie.

00:23:39.000 This is what we do now.

00:23:40.000 We sort of do shit behind the scenes.

00:23:42.000 That's how you promote it.

00:23:44.000 That's exciting, man.

00:23:45.000 Fuck these cunt people.

00:23:46.000 That's our promotion.

00:23:48.000 This is one of the most amazing trailers I've ever seen, too.

00:23:51.000 He is intense.

00:23:52.000 Look at this shit.

00:23:53.000 The last thing you ever want is a chimp coming at you, man.

00:23:56.000 That is the last thing you ever want.

00:23:58.000 You're almost better off with a lion, because a lion's just going to kill you quick.

00:24:03.000 Chimps are going to do some shit to you before you die.

00:24:05.000 Bite your fingers off.

00:24:06.000 They're not trying to kill you.

00:24:08.000 They're trying to hurt you.

00:24:09.000 They understand what makes you a person and they don't have morals.

00:24:13.000 They understand what's important to you.

00:24:14.000 They understand your genitals mean a lot to you.

00:24:17.000 So they bite those off.

00:24:18.000 They understand that your fingers are important for you to use and to make things.

00:24:22.000 So they bite all those off next.

00:24:23.000 And they do all this without you being able to do a goddamn thing to stop it.

00:24:27.000 Nothing.

00:24:27.000 Because they're so fucking strong.

00:24:29.000 And once they bite one finger off, dude, you're going to be freaking out.

00:24:31.000 You're going to be in shock.

00:24:32.000 You're not going to be able to handle it.

00:24:33.000 For him, it's another day in the park.

00:24:35.000 He's been biting fingers off since he was two.

00:24:37.000 Someone steps to him wrong, he bites a couple of fingers off.

00:24:40.000 That's just what they do.

00:24:40.000 And strong everything.

00:24:41.000 You can't even wrap your head around how strong a chimp is, dude.

00:24:45.000 We had a two-year-old chimp on the set of news radio.

00:24:47.000 A two-year-old.

00:24:48.000 A little baby-ass chimp.

00:24:49.000 This thing was on my back and it swatted me in the back a couple of times.

00:24:54.000 And I swear to God, I got nervous.

00:24:56.000 It made me nervous.

00:24:57.000 Because I was thinking, like, what if a cat wanted to kill me?

00:25:00.000 You know, if a cat wanted to kill me, that's terrifying, right?

00:25:03.000 Cats are, you know, I mean, even though they're little, like that fucking crazy thing coming at you, trying to kill you, that would be terrifying, you know?

00:25:09.000 And you're way, way bigger than a cat.

00:25:11.000 And I was thinking, how much bigger is this chimp than a cat?

00:25:14.000 And if this chimp decided to just fuck me up, I'm not really sure I could defend myself.

00:25:19.000 He's a two-year-old chimp, and I'm not really sure that I would get off.

00:25:23.000 And then I thought about it.

00:25:24.000 And I think, my God, what must it be like when they're like 150 pounds?

00:25:28.000 It must be unbelievable.

00:25:30.000 Yeah.

00:25:30.000 The amount of force they can generate with their bodies must be just shocking.

00:25:34.000 They can rip car doors off their hinges.

00:25:37.000 Yeah.

00:25:37.000 You can lock a car door.

00:25:38.000 And they can just open it.

00:25:39.000 They can open that door.

00:25:40.000 Yeah.

00:25:41.000 Fuck that.

00:25:42.000 Fuck that, right?

00:25:43.000 Dude.

00:25:43.000 That lady, they tore with their hands, they tore her jaw out of her face.

00:25:47.000 Her lower jaw came out, you know?

00:25:49.000 Oh my God.

00:25:51.000 God damn.

00:25:52.000 That's, yeah.

00:25:53.000 They're scary, scary fucking creatures.

00:25:55.000 It's so funny that we always want to, like, look at them like they're real cute, too.

00:26:00.000 Like, B.J. McKay, and this is my best friend, Bear.

00:26:03.000 Smoky and the Bandit was the best growing up.

00:26:05.000 Smoky and the Bandit have a monkey?

00:26:06.000 Wait.

00:26:07.000 What was the one with the monkey?

00:26:08.000 No, Clint Eastwood.

00:26:10.000 Clint Eastwood had an orangutan, Every Which Way But Loose.

00:26:13.000 Yeah, that's the one.

00:26:14.000 This motherfucker has no idea what he's talking about.

00:26:16.000 Yeah, some of the best moments of my childhood.

00:26:18.000 It was that guy with the monkey.

00:26:20.000 Which one?

00:26:21.000 Oh yeah, Clint Eastwood.

00:26:22.000 Oh yeah, Burt Reynolds?

00:26:23.000 It was like five.

00:26:24.000 They all came out at the same time.

00:26:26.000 There was like that car chase movie, then there was Clint Eastwood.

00:26:28.000 How many people had monkeys?

00:26:29.000 I think every movie in that time period had a monkey, it seemed like.

00:26:32.000 That was a strong move by Clint Eastwood to go from spaghetti westerns to the badass bare-knuckle fistfighter with a monkey as a pet.

00:26:40.000 With an orangutan.

00:26:42.000 Those movies were great, man.

00:26:44.000 Every Which Way But Loose, they were great fucking movies, man.

00:26:47.000 And what's even more fascinating about those movies is that's when he was still married to that woman.

00:26:52.000 Sandra Locke, the woman who would go on to sue him and he had to get her some sort of a deal to get out of the relationship.

00:26:57.000 Clint Eastwood?

00:26:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:26:58.000 He had to go to some sort of a deal with a production company as a part of their divorce, and he did, and then she accused him of sabotaging her projects, and it was obvious that this guy fucked up.

00:27:09.000 Poor Clint Eastwood married this crazy broad, and was with her for years, and she's an actress, and when they broke up, man, she just fucking went after him.

00:27:18.000 And, you know, you got to see the nastiness that can, you know, happen.

00:27:23.000 And those sort of, like, really public divorces between two fucking movie stars at the time.

00:27:29.000 I mean, she never really worked again after that.

00:27:30.000 Not much.

00:27:31.000 I mean, not of that level.

00:27:34.000 But she was in a lot of Clint Eastwood's movies.

00:27:36.000 And the amount of money that exchanges hands in a divorce like that, too.

00:27:39.000 Oh!

00:27:40.000 Man.

00:27:40.000 That's a lot of dough.

00:27:42.000 So you got to see him with her back in the day.

00:27:45.000 That's when he was still with her.

00:27:46.000 And I was like, wow, how weird is this?

00:27:48.000 This dude carried this chick around in a bunch of movies.

00:27:52.000 How many movies did Clint Eastwood do with Sandra Locke?

00:27:55.000 How many?

00:27:56.000 It was a western, right?

00:27:58.000 Wasn't there one western?

00:27:59.000 And then there was Every Which Way But Loose, right?

00:28:01.000 Or one of those, Any Which Way You Can.

00:28:03.000 Which one was it?

00:28:04.000 Was it both of them?

00:28:05.000 Was it all of them?

00:28:05.000 I don't know.

00:28:06.000 Was it She and all of them?

00:28:06.000 I don't know.

00:28:07.000 It's fascinating.

00:28:08.000 It is fascinating.

00:28:09.000 You forget, too, like, you know, we always, like, they always talk about who makes, like, crazy money in movies, and so if they're like, you know, so-and-so, like, got a $100 million divorce, and they're like, who is it?

00:28:19.000 And, like, Tom Cruise, you're like, yeah, well, that dude's, like, super, like, he's a money-making machine.

00:28:25.000 But then, like, Morgan Freeman, who you're like, yeah, Morgan Freeman, he's a great actor, he's been in a lot of movies, he got divorced, and I think he gave, I want to say, like, over $70 million.

00:28:35.000 So you're like, holy shit!

00:28:37.000 How much fucking money does Morgan Freeman have?

00:28:39.000 Well, you know Morgan Freeman's deal, right?

00:28:42.000 No.

00:28:42.000 Morgan Freeman is apparently banging his non...

00:28:47.000 It's his grandmother...

00:28:50.000 Granddaughter...

00:28:52.000 From his ex-wife's side, who he's not related to by blood.

00:28:56.000 Uh-uh.

00:28:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:28:57.000 Good for him.

00:28:58.000 Something super creepy like that.

00:29:00.000 That's creepy.

00:29:00.000 And he started taking her to events and introducing her as his granddaughter.

00:29:06.000 Oh, that's creepy.

00:29:07.000 And then somewhere along the line, it came out that he was banging her.

00:29:11.000 Whoa.

00:29:12.000 Yeah.

00:29:13.000 And everybody's like, what the fuck?

00:29:16.000 You're so good in an actor, Morgan Freeman.

00:29:17.000 I don't care.

00:29:18.000 I know.

00:29:20.000 Maybe he was stoned and he thinks it's really funny.

00:29:23.000 Maybe he's still stoned right now, you mean?

00:29:25.000 Listen, here's what the deal is.

00:29:27.000 He's like, what, 70 years old?

00:29:29.000 Yeah, I think so, at least.

00:29:31.000 25-year-old pussy is so powerful.

00:29:32.000 It will get you to abandon your morals, your idea.

00:29:37.000 You will rationalize the shit out of this.

00:29:39.000 Yeah, I've known her since she was a baby, but we're not related by blood.

00:29:42.000 Yeah, that's crazy.

00:29:44.000 Maybe they never even met.

00:29:45.000 That's what pussy does.

00:29:46.000 That pussy was so good because he's an old, old man.

00:29:48.000 Yeah.

00:29:48.000 You know, and she's young and tight and she's trying to rock him because she likes the spotlight and she likes the fact that she's, you know, throwing some pussy at Morgan Freeman.

00:29:56.000 Or it's the best payback ever to your ex-wife.

00:29:58.000 Or he's the one who goes after it.

00:30:00.000 He could be a creep, too.

00:30:01.000 You got to look at it that way.

00:30:02.000 Sure.

00:30:02.000 He could have been hawking her, you know, his whole life and waiting for, you know, her to turn 18 and start putting it to her.

00:30:08.000 How about the dude who just married the 16-year-old?

00:30:11.000 Yeah.

00:30:11.000 The guy from Lost?

00:30:12.000 Yeah, the guy from Lost.

00:30:14.000 He's 51. She's 16. Where are her fucking parents, man?

00:30:18.000 They were cool with it.

00:30:18.000 That's the crazy part.

00:30:20.000 Your parents have to, if you're 16 in Vegas and you want to get married, you have to get, like, permission.

00:30:25.000 Yeah.

00:30:26.000 You know, and I think it was probably set up for teen pregnancies and shit like that.

00:30:29.000 Somebody trying to do the right thing.

00:30:31.000 Yeah.

00:30:31.000 But fucking A, man.

00:30:32.000 Her parents were just like, look, we love Lost.

00:30:34.000 It's cool.

00:30:35.000 What?

00:30:36.000 It's a great show.

00:30:38.000 Look at a guy like that.

00:30:39.000 Is he done?

00:30:40.000 The guy's done, right?

00:30:41.000 Yeah, you can't go around marrying 16-year-olds.

00:30:44.000 People are not going to want to hang out with you, man.

00:30:46.000 This ain't the 1950s, and you're not Jerry Lee Lewis.

00:30:49.000 No.

00:30:49.000 You know what I mean?

00:30:50.000 You can't marry that girl.

00:30:52.000 That's crazy.

00:30:53.000 That's got to keep him from jobs, too.

00:30:55.000 There's a few directors or producers out there who would consider that dude for a job, and then hear that and go, Nah, man.

00:31:02.000 What a mess.

00:31:02.000 What's the other guy's name?

00:31:03.000 Let's get him on the phone.

00:31:04.000 Yeah, listen, he's not that good.

00:31:07.000 Right?

00:31:07.000 They're going to say that.

00:31:08.000 It's not worth it.

00:31:09.000 It's not his show.

00:31:10.000 Unless it was some sort of a reality show based on the two of them.

00:31:14.000 That's true.

00:31:15.000 That could work.

00:31:15.000 Yeah.

00:31:16.000 That could work.

00:31:16.000 A reality show based on a 16-year-old.

00:31:18.000 But it'd really be unfair to the 16-year-old.

00:31:20.000 Because, you know, when you were 16 years old, would you really want some document out there of who you were and how you behaved when you were 16?

00:31:28.000 And the whole world can look at it whenever they want.

00:31:31.000 Especially when you fucked up and you married some 51-year-old dude.

00:31:34.000 You know, well, why should everybody be able to look into your shit?

00:31:36.000 You're not really old enough to understand what the fuck that means yet.

00:31:39.000 You're not really old enough to understand the ramifications of the whole world being able to look in on that.

00:31:45.000 You know, so that you couldn't have a reality show with her.

00:31:47.000 I think about how little you knew when you were 16. Oh, my God!

00:31:53.000 I was such a fucking...

00:31:54.000 Douchebag.

00:31:55.000 Yeah, man.

00:31:55.000 Can you imagine if you had to meet yourself today and hang out with yourself?

00:31:58.000 A 16-year-old?

00:31:59.000 I'd be like, dude, seriously, just sit down.

00:32:01.000 Shut the fuck up.

00:32:02.000 Just shut the fuck up, dude.

00:32:05.000 I think I've just given myself a hug.

00:32:07.000 I found a video of myself.

00:32:08.000 You would probably need a hug too.

00:32:09.000 A slow kiss.

00:32:10.000 I found a video of myself where I took a camera, a camcorder to a party when I was 18. Oh my god!

00:32:17.000 Right?

00:32:18.000 And it was like, I'm a senior in high school, and I walk through and I just talk to people and I put the camera on myself.

00:32:25.000 And I'm just doing this for like 30 minutes at this party.

00:32:27.000 I watched the video, I took it out, and then I broke the tape and I burned it.

00:32:33.000 Really?

00:32:33.000 Whoa!

00:32:34.000 Yeah, and it wasn't anything like incriminating.

00:32:35.000 It was just, I was so...

00:32:37.000 It was like a really rapid, like instinctive response to how much I loathed seeing myself as an 18. I was like, that's fucking embarrassing.

00:32:47.000 I don't want anybody to see that.

00:32:48.000 And I tore it immediately.

00:32:49.000 Like I was like...

00:32:50.000 Not nostalgic or like, that'd be cool to show to my kids.

00:32:52.000 I'd be like, I hope my kids never could find this.

00:32:55.000 Wow.

00:32:56.000 Because I was fucking like, hey, what's up, buddy?

00:32:58.000 What's up?

00:32:58.000 And then like...

00:32:59.000 I turned the camera into myself and just...

00:33:03.000 It was fucking horrifying, man.

00:33:05.000 Horrifying.

00:33:06.000 You think about the shit you did when you were like...

00:33:08.000 The shit you yelled out to people.

00:33:11.000 I was like...

00:33:11.000 That's fucking embarrassing.

00:33:13.000 You know, the thing is though, you're gonna think it's embarrassing now, but you're gonna wish once you have kids that you had that.

00:33:20.000 I know, I know.

00:33:20.000 You fucked up.

00:33:21.000 I know.

00:33:22.000 I actually put all my shit online, and I've had it on from when I was 15. I have a movie called Carrots that I did, to like, you know, 18. I had this movie where me and my friends just smoked weed and got drunk, and we're hanging out in this one-bedroom apartment.

00:33:35.000 I have all this stuff and I'm just putting it out there.

00:33:38.000 I know it's embarrassing.

00:33:39.000 It makes me look like shit or bad.

00:33:40.000 Well, it doesn't make you look bad.

00:33:41.000 But that's only myself telling me that.

00:33:44.000 It doesn't make you look bad.

00:33:46.000 Once you have children of your own and you start thinking about the process of going from being a baby to actually being a human and all the shit you have to learn along the way, then it's going to be fascinating to you.

00:33:55.000 Sure.

00:33:55.000 Then you're going to wish you had it.

00:33:56.000 Because, yeah, before I had babies, I probably would have looked at it differently.

00:34:01.000 Like, I don't want any evidence that I was a retard.

00:34:03.000 You know, there's some video of me from Rascals Comedy Hour in New Jersey.

00:34:07.000 I was like 24, 25, a beautiful, delicious head of hair.

00:34:13.000 And I'm fucking real skinny.

00:34:15.000 I didn't even lift weights back then.

00:34:16.000 And I'm doing stand-up, and it's like, oh, God, it's so dorky.

00:34:20.000 My shirt's dorky.

00:34:22.000 I look dorky.

00:34:23.000 I sound hacky.

00:34:27.000 But it's cool.

00:34:28.000 I like that it's out there.

00:34:29.000 I bet if I saw that video right now, I would be laughing my fucking ass off.

00:34:34.000 Yeah, I bet it would be cute.

00:34:34.000 It would be cute.

00:34:35.000 I could show you old stand-up.

00:34:38.000 I mean, old, like, it's...

00:34:40.000 Seven, eight years old where you don't recognize the way I look.

00:34:44.000 Oh, really?

00:34:44.000 Yeah.

00:34:46.000 Like long hair?

00:34:47.000 Like flowing locks?

00:34:49.000 No, just like really thin and happy.

00:34:52.000 It's weird how people's voices change over the years.

00:34:55.000 You know, I hear my voice when I was younger and things, and I'm like, wow, my voice is so high-pitched.

00:35:00.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:35:01.000 I was still like a boy, you know?

00:35:02.000 It's weird, you know?

00:35:03.000 I'm really selling what I'm saying, too.

00:35:05.000 I'm like, you know, like I'm really like...

00:35:08.000 There's a tone to your voice that happens after you become 30, when you become like a man.

00:35:14.000 When you're younger, you don't even realize it, but you have this weird high pitch to your voice.

00:35:20.000 I always thought it was cigarettes.

00:35:23.000 For you, you never really became a man.

00:35:27.000 It's just cigarettes make it sound like...

00:35:28.000 When I'm 50, I'm going to be like...

00:35:31.000 When you're at 50, it's going to be full circle.

00:35:34.000 You're going to be on something to treat the cancer that you have from cigarette smoke and it's going to make you develop even more estrogen.

00:35:41.000 That's what's going to fight the cancer.

00:35:42.000 And then you're going to sound like Large Marge from Pee-wee's Big Adventure.

00:35:46.000 Tell them Large Marge sent you.

00:35:47.000 Yeah, that's going to be you.

00:35:48.000 You're going to sound like an old lady.

00:35:50.000 Did you guys see the Pee Wee Herman live show?

00:35:53.000 They have it on HBO or something?

00:35:54.000 No, they have it on HBO or Showtime.

00:35:56.000 What do you mean?

00:35:56.000 They filmed his live show.

00:35:58.000 Live show?

00:35:58.000 What does he do?

00:35:59.000 He brought back Pee Wee's Playhouse.

00:36:01.000 Oh, get the fuck out of here.

00:36:02.000 It sold out everywhere.

00:36:03.000 Of course it did.

00:36:04.000 It is so weird to watch as an adult.

00:36:07.000 How about he's 80 and doing it?

00:36:08.000 That's the creepy thing.

00:36:09.000 He did it at the Nokia Club, the theater, but the smaller of the two downtown.

00:36:14.000 And my cousin went and he said that it's all people like...

00:36:20.000 They would say lines at the same time.

00:36:22.000 It was like seeing a band or something.

00:36:24.000 Oh no!

00:36:26.000 So it was a nostalgia thing?

00:36:28.000 Oh, absolutely.

00:36:29.000 Everybody in that theater is like...

00:36:32.000 Did you grow up with Weird Al Yankovic?

00:36:34.000 Yeah, sure.

00:36:35.000 I just got his new album.

00:36:36.000 That is the funniest shit ever.

00:36:38.000 That guy still has it, man.

00:36:40.000 Really?

00:36:40.000 It's ridiculous to listen to when you're just really baked driving on the highway.

00:36:44.000 You'll sit there and giggle the whole fucking way home.

00:36:47.000 We gotta get him on a podcast.

00:36:49.000 That would be awesome.

00:36:49.000 I was always a fan of Weird Al Yankovic when I was a kid.

00:36:53.000 I thought he was hilarious.

00:36:55.000 I'm Fat.

00:36:56.000 I would always wait for his new shit to come out.

00:36:58.000 When he came out with I'm Fat.

00:36:59.000 You know Roy Big Country Nelson still goes into the octagon with that song?

00:37:03.000 No.

00:37:04.000 He enters with that song.

00:37:05.000 He's the only fighter that enters on Weird Al Yankovic.

00:37:08.000 That's pretty awesome.

00:37:09.000 That makes me like that guy a lot.

00:37:11.000 How can you not like that guy?

00:37:12.000 That guy's got the best personality.

00:37:15.000 He's so talented too.

00:37:17.000 And he's trying to lose some weight.

00:37:18.000 He's trying to at least get in better shape.

00:37:21.000 He's just, you know, super talented.

00:37:23.000 It's just he's not in the best physical condition.

00:37:25.000 Goddamn, he's got a great personality though.

00:37:27.000 I have a video of myself at like...

00:37:31.000 8 years old with my cousin who's 8 and my other cousin's 9 and we sing I'm fat as children.

00:37:37.000 Do you have that?

00:37:38.000 At a talent show and we're all skinny but I hog the mic and I'm the one that ended up fat like of the three of us.

00:37:46.000 You gotta put that online dude.

00:37:47.000 Yeah I'm like I'm fat!

00:37:49.000 Like I get really into it.

00:37:51.000 Yeah you should definitely put some of that stuff somewhere.

00:37:54.000 Yeah.

00:37:54.000 No, that I wouldn't get rid of.

00:37:55.000 You should put that on your next DVD. Yeah.

00:37:58.000 Yeah, when you do a DVD, have that be as one of the extras.

00:38:01.000 Yeah, I should.

00:38:02.000 Yeah, why not?

00:38:02.000 That's hilarious.

00:38:03.000 And I also have college sketches that we made.

00:38:06.000 Oh, God.

00:38:07.000 We did a fake commercial for a product called Anal Freeze.

00:38:12.000 And it was for when you have diarrhea.

00:38:16.000 And someone was like, I have diarrhea.

00:38:17.000 I'm like, well, why don't you use Anal Freeze?

00:38:18.000 It'll freeze all that crap up.

00:38:20.000 That's the tag.

00:38:21.000 It'll freeze all that crap up.

00:38:23.000 And then, like, it's horrible.

00:38:25.000 And then, like, it comes in a bottle and you just shove the whole bottle up your ass.

00:38:29.000 We have videos of that type of genius, that highbrow stuff.

00:38:33.000 It's hilarious.

00:38:34.000 That and a fake kung fu short where we layer Wu-Tang music and we have a kung fu vibe.

00:38:41.000 That's why no one can ever be cocky about where you are.

00:38:44.000 Don't be disrespectful about other people's material.

00:38:47.000 Yeah, they might suck right now, but at one point in time, you suck too.

00:38:52.000 A lot.

00:38:53.000 You suck a lot.

00:38:53.000 A lot.

00:38:54.000 Everybody does.

00:38:55.000 You can't not suck.

00:38:57.000 You start on anything, you're going to suck.

00:38:59.000 The best part, though, is at that time, you don't think you suck.

00:39:02.000 No, you think you're good.

00:39:03.000 There was a bunch of times where I was open mic nights and I couldn't get on.

00:39:06.000 I was like, man, I'm going to get up there.

00:39:07.000 I'll fucking show these people what's up.

00:39:08.000 Meanwhile, I was terrible.

00:39:09.000 I should not have had any confidence whatsoever that I could go up there and make people laugh.

00:39:14.000 I was awful.

00:39:15.000 I shouldn't have been allowed to talk ever.

00:39:16.000 I should have been practicing with...

00:39:18.000 Only people who barely spoke English for years worked my way to the mainstream.

00:39:24.000 But that's just how it is, right?

00:39:26.000 Absolutely.

00:39:27.000 I remember when you finally have 10 or 15 minutes down that kills, and something happens one night where you just don't know how to react to a room, so it doesn't kill, it actually bombs, and you go, but this is the shit.

00:39:41.000 This is the best material of all time.

00:39:43.000 It's the best thing I got in my toolbox.

00:39:45.000 And you have nothing else to go to.

00:39:48.000 That is like a paralyzing feeling.

00:39:50.000 And you realize, because you're killed with it so many times, you get a feeling of being kind of invincible.

00:39:56.000 And then when it doesn't kill, you're like, maybe, oh shit, maybe this isn't amazing.

00:40:01.000 That's where you wish you had a real job.

00:40:03.000 It's like, God, if I just had a job, I'd be reporting back to the stockholders.

00:40:07.000 Well, we have a discrepancy between the projected income and the actual income.

00:40:12.000 We're going to give you some figures on this on Monday, but there's nothing we can't fix.

00:40:15.000 Yeah.

00:40:16.000 But when you're out there and it's all you, you're Tom Segura Incorporated and you're eating a dick.

00:40:21.000 You wish you had some, you know, what would you like me to do, boss?

00:40:26.000 You can't say that because what you're doing is you're the boss.

00:40:29.000 You're the boss.

00:40:30.000 At the end of the line is you, stupid.

00:40:32.000 And if you ain't doing it, ah, shit.

00:40:34.000 And you don't know how to dance.

00:40:35.000 Like now if like something, like if it were to be like, man, that was really, that joke bombed or something happened.

00:40:41.000 You have the tools after a while to adjust to that.

00:40:44.000 The problem then is that you just don't even know how to...

00:40:48.000 And you panic, and they panic for you.

00:40:51.000 Yes, they see the panic, and then they're like, oh, we're all panicking.

00:40:54.000 Then you're in a fucking elevator fire.

00:40:56.000 People are just like, how the fuck do we get out of here?

00:41:00.000 Recently, I saw a friend of mine...

00:41:02.000 And he fucked up a joke.

00:41:04.000 And then after he fucked up a joke, he started rushing the next joke because you could feel that he fucked up.

00:41:10.000 And that joke bombed.

00:41:11.000 And then I felt like the spin.

00:41:14.000 I felt the spin, the slide, and my toes started crunching up in my shoes.

00:41:17.000 I clenched my hands together.

00:41:19.000 He pulled himself out of it, but I almost had to leave the room.

00:41:21.000 Really?

00:41:22.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:23.000 He got a couple good laughs, and then the ball started rolling again, and then I was like, okay, we're back.

00:41:27.000 But the uncomfortable thing of watching someone slide down the road to bomb them, I don't want to be there for that.

00:41:34.000 It's really painful, man.

00:41:35.000 I don't need to see that, dude.

00:41:36.000 I know it sucks.

00:41:37.000 That's why I write a lot.

00:41:38.000 Yeah, and you can almost tell...

00:41:40.000 What are you doing over there, Brian?

00:41:41.000 You adjusting the sound?

00:41:42.000 I'm adjusting the little thing, yeah.

00:41:43.000 Why don't you tell us when you're doing that, otherwise it freaks me the fuck out.

00:41:46.000 Oh, man.

00:41:47.000 Are my ears getting way better?

00:41:49.000 Joe, you gotta look at the salvia video that Tom was talking about earlier.

00:41:52.000 This is going to freak...

00:41:53.000 This is the one that Tom...

00:41:54.000 When Tom got here, one of the first things he said is, dude, you gotta see this video of this couple smoking salvia.

00:41:59.000 And why is it so interesting that it has a million fucking hits on YouTube?

00:42:02.000 Because of what happens in it.

00:42:04.000 Even though Ari Shafir, when he did Salvia...

00:42:07.000 I heard he freaked out.

00:42:08.000 He did freak out?

00:42:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:09.000 You've got to check out that video.

00:42:10.000 I saw little bits of it from his account.

00:42:14.000 Times that by a billion.

00:42:15.000 And this is 126,000 people have seen this, really.

00:42:17.000 Just this one.

00:42:18.000 It's uploaded like a million times on here.

00:42:21.000 So they're recording themselves doing Salvia, which a lot of people do.

00:42:24.000 Yeah, what is the big deal about that?

00:42:26.000 How'd that all get going?

00:42:27.000 Because you leave your body, like, but it's only a couple minutes, so you're really interested to see what happens, you know, because you're out of it, but you're awake type thing.

00:42:36.000 I mean, everybody does it the same way you guys did it with Ari, and what I would imagine is, like, the worst environment possible.

00:42:43.000 Yeah.

00:42:43.000 When you're filming these fucking things, it's, like, the worst environment possible.

00:42:46.000 This dude takes some rips off this bong, too.

00:42:50.000 Yeah?

00:42:50.000 Yeah, like, he...

00:42:51.000 I mean, I can't...

00:42:53.000 Now, for people who don't know what the fuck salvia is, for you squares out there, salvia is a super powerful psychedelic drug, but is very legal for some weird reason.

00:43:04.000 It was one that was missed in the whole sweeping psychedelic drug acts of the 1970s, whatever it was, 1970, when they made everything illegal.

00:43:14.000 Somehow or another, they missed salvia.

00:43:16.000 So these people are taking something...

00:43:18.000 And now they're laughing their balls off.

00:43:19.000 Yeah.

00:43:20.000 It's a hundred times more powerful than marijuana.

00:43:23.000 You can buy it in head shops legally.

00:43:27.000 And so this is normal shit, like people laughing having a good time.

00:43:31.000 Then the Ari Shaffir factor kicks in.

00:43:33.000 Yeah, it just takes a turn.

00:43:35.000 You can almost see the moment.

00:43:37.000 There you go.

00:43:38.000 That's it.

00:43:40.000 Okay, so now the guy's lying down.

00:43:42.000 Looks like he's having such a good time.

00:43:43.000 And now all of a sudden he looks kind of freaked out.

00:43:46.000 One thing to note is that the camera's off-tilted.

00:43:50.000 Like, why is it not centered?

00:43:51.000 This is one of the best advertisements ever for don't do drugs.

00:43:54.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

00:43:55.000 That's why I think it might be fake.

00:43:57.000 But it's really good acting.

00:43:59.000 Yeah, dude.

00:44:04.000 Oh, he's breaking windows, bro.

00:44:05.000 This ain't fake.

00:44:06.000 No way.

00:44:08.000 No way.

00:44:09.000 Yeah, and those are trees up there, man.

00:44:10.000 So they're on the second floor.

00:44:12.000 No way.

00:44:13.000 Yeah.

00:44:14.000 And then she kind of just comes to it and is like...

00:44:16.000 Oh my god.

00:44:18.000 And then part two, you saw part two, right?

00:44:20.000 No.

00:44:21.000 Yeah, part two, she's just totally...

00:44:22.000 Would you just say part two?

00:44:24.000 This is fake.

00:44:25.000 Well, somebody just cut the video.

00:44:26.000 This is fake.

00:44:27.000 Yeah?

00:44:28.000 Yeah.

00:44:28.000 That's don't do drug video, right?

00:44:30.000 This looks fake to me.

00:44:32.000 I don't like the way he randomly stumbled into the window.

00:44:36.000 What I don't like is that the camera is not centered.

00:44:39.000 It's actually so you can see both windows.

00:44:42.000 The couch is to the right of the camera.

00:44:45.000 As a cameraman, if you're setting up your self-record, why wouldn't you zoom in on the couch?

00:44:49.000 You're not going to sit it that far back and show that much window.

00:44:51.000 Why is it showing...

00:44:52.000 It's off-centered.

00:44:53.000 I always thought it was fake, but I wanted to see what you guys thought.

00:44:56.000 It seems fake.

00:44:57.000 The way he moves seems fake.

00:44:59.000 The way he jumped up to me looked like he was putting on a show.

00:45:04.000 I mean, that's the impression that I got.

00:45:06.000 I might be wrong, but my impression was that he was putting on a show.

00:45:09.000 That didn't look like a guy who was really scared of...

00:45:12.000 When you're really fucked up...

00:45:14.000 Can you shut that off, Brian?

00:45:15.000 Is it still on?

00:45:16.000 Because you hear talking in the background.

00:45:19.000 When you're really fucked up on something and you can't walk, you don't know how to control your body.

00:45:23.000 That guy was catching himself the right way.

00:45:26.000 He was saving himself the right way every time.

00:45:28.000 To me, it looks like he was way more together than he was pretending to be.

00:45:32.000 He went right through that window.

00:45:33.000 He didn't pull out of it at all.

00:45:34.000 He knows well enough to keep his balance while he's stumbling around.

00:45:39.000 He knows to protect his balance, but he doesn't know to not go through a window.

00:45:43.000 I don't buy that.

00:45:44.000 He also falls out of the top part of the window.

00:45:48.000 Yeah.

00:45:49.000 And there's all this smashing, but it doesn't look like a smashing window to me.

00:45:54.000 I mean, he's just kind of leaning on it, and all of a sudden it's going through.

00:45:57.000 Really thin windows.

00:45:58.000 What is that?

00:45:59.000 That looks fake.

00:45:59.000 The window looks fake.

00:46:00.000 And the fact that he would just go over it and right through it, he wouldn't stop himself.

00:46:04.000 Come on, son.

00:46:05.000 And if you noticed, when all that was happening, there was off-camera, he must have hit a light or a lamp, and did the lightbulb blow-up flash?

00:46:13.000 So it was really dramatic, because it was like, ooh, a lightbulb flash.

00:46:16.000 And that right there, as a looking at, to me, thought, hey, that's purposely put there to make it more dramatic and realistic-looking.

00:46:23.000 Yeah, maybe, right?

00:46:25.000 Maybe it wasn't even real.

00:46:26.000 Maybe they added it to the film, in effect.

00:46:28.000 Really into it when I saw it.

00:46:30.000 You really?

00:46:30.000 Yeah.

00:46:31.000 I didn't buy it, man.

00:46:32.000 My initial reaction, just being honest, was that I really thought it was...

00:46:35.000 My first reaction was fake.

00:46:37.000 Well, we might be wrong.

00:46:38.000 You might be right.

00:46:39.000 I don't know.

00:46:39.000 We might be wrong.

00:46:40.000 There might be a whole news story about it.

00:46:42.000 Yeah, if there's not a new story, like, immediately, because they want to have a story like that.

00:46:46.000 Yeah.

00:46:47.000 Guy falls, breaks both of his fucking legs.

00:46:49.000 Yeah.

00:46:50.000 Dumbass gets a, you know, gets a fence post up his ass.

00:46:53.000 What exactly happened to Ari when he did it?

00:46:55.000 Well, it wasn't too much of a freak out.

00:46:57.000 He stayed put, though, pretty much.

00:46:59.000 They kind of held him down.

00:47:00.000 Yeah.

00:47:02.000 They were watching him, and they were doing it for a show.

00:47:05.000 They were doing it when they were filming the Naughty Show.

00:47:08.000 And the worst part about that is that you're filming it, and you're trying to make light of it, and you're making a comedy podcast, and then you ask your guy to do psychedelics.

00:47:16.000 And the worst thing you can do when you're doing psychedelics is be on a fucking comedy podcast with cameras and people fucking with you.

00:47:23.000 Plus, you know the studio.

00:47:24.000 It was like everybody was packed.

00:47:27.000 Like three people on the couch.

00:47:28.000 There was people behind me and everything.

00:47:29.000 So it was packed.

00:47:30.000 It's the worst place you could ever do a psychedelic.

00:47:33.000 And he started flailing.

00:47:35.000 Not too bad.

00:47:36.000 Knock the LCD screen or break, hurt himself, and he stood up.

00:47:40.000 It was genuine?

00:47:41.000 Yeah.

00:47:41.000 Oh, yeah.

00:47:42.000 It's completely real.

00:47:42.000 Really?

00:47:43.000 But he didn't do what this knucklehead did.

00:47:45.000 Did he leave?

00:47:46.000 Huh?

00:47:46.000 He left?

00:47:47.000 No, he freaked out, and then he cuddled Sam.

00:47:50.000 It was so cute, because Ari's little face was next to Sam.

00:47:53.000 Hey, man, that video's still going on.

00:47:55.000 You see it?

00:47:56.000 Look, there's some...

00:47:57.000 What the fuck?

00:47:58.000 This is bullshit, dude.

00:48:00.000 This video is totally bullshit.

00:48:01.000 They left all this extra footage on the end of it to make it look even more real.

00:48:05.000 Right.

00:48:05.000 Clever!

00:48:06.000 Clever, boys!

00:48:07.000 These are some, uh, what's it called?

00:48:08.000 I don't think so.

00:48:10.000 Blair Witch kind of style, right?

00:48:12.000 Yeah.

00:48:13.000 I'm just, you know, I see all these fucking hungry kids out there trying to come up with something that gets people to look at their shit.

00:48:21.000 And I see creativity, and I see ingenuity, and I see a video like this.

00:48:25.000 And I say, well, there it is.

00:48:26.000 It manifested itself.

00:48:27.000 Good try.

00:48:28.000 Guy's very talented.

00:48:29.000 It was very funny, but I'm not buying it.

00:48:33.000 Son.

00:48:34.000 So, crazy salvia trip.

00:48:37.000 What does it say?

00:48:38.000 For real with a bunch of O's.

00:48:41.000 That's another reason why you know it's not real.

00:48:43.000 Because they don't even say for real with the correct amount of O's.

00:48:46.000 Check this out.

00:48:47.000 I don't know what's going on.

00:48:48.000 I haven't been watching.

00:48:49.000 I just looked over.

00:48:50.000 But she just finally came to, it looks like.

00:48:52.000 And then she opens the front door.

00:48:53.000 And then the guy immediately comes in right when...

00:48:57.000 She opens the door at the same time.

00:48:59.000 It wasn't like she opened the door and was looking around.

00:49:01.000 They both came to at the same time and met at the door.

00:49:04.000 Maybe this is like the opening scene for an amazing new film, and this is viral marketing.

00:49:09.000 Yeah, the monkey movie.

00:49:09.000 I like it.

00:49:10.000 Yeah, this is one of the reasons why you root for the monkeys.

00:49:13.000 It's called People Are Cunts, Evidence 1,226,000,000.

00:49:18.000 These fucking idiots, smoking salvia, headers out windows.

00:49:22.000 Are Cunts, marketing campaign.

00:49:24.000 Yeah.

00:49:25.000 Just to try to really pump up the numbers for the Planet of the Apes.

00:49:28.000 Because you've got to realize, we lose in this one.

00:49:30.000 We lose this one.

00:49:31.000 We lose this one big.

00:49:32.000 The chimps take over.

00:49:34.000 There's going to be some violent scenes in that movie.

00:49:36.000 I can't wait.

00:49:37.000 I hope so.

00:49:37.000 I wonder if it's in 3D. Is it even in 3D? It's got to be.

00:49:40.000 Everything's in 3D now.

00:49:41.000 I like that shit now.

00:49:42.000 I'm liking the 3D. Yeah, me too.

00:49:44.000 There'll be a shot of somebody, like a monkey's going to grab a guy's ear and it's going to tear across his face.

00:49:51.000 You think so?

00:49:51.000 Yes, dude.

00:49:52.000 Really?

00:49:52.000 Is it supposed to be this violent?

00:49:54.000 I'm hoping.

00:49:56.000 You're putting it out there in the universe.

00:49:58.000 Yeah.

00:49:58.000 Yeah, maybe it's a kid's movie.

00:49:59.000 Maybe it's a monkey love story.

00:50:01.000 It's got to be at least PG-13.

00:50:03.000 I would imagine a big budget movie like this, probably PG-13.

00:50:07.000 What do you think of Captain America?

00:50:08.000 I actually think it looks decent.

00:50:10.000 It looks badass.

00:50:11.000 I fucking love superhero movies, dude.

00:50:13.000 Fuck that Green Hornet shit, though.

00:50:15.000 Did you see it?

00:50:15.000 I thought Ryan Reynolds was a bit too handsome for my taste.

00:50:18.000 Green Hornets.

00:50:18.000 Who wants to watch Green Hornets?

00:50:20.000 I'm not into watching him wander around on TV knowing that he fucked the shit out of Scarlett Johansson and was like, ugh, kind of done with you.

00:50:26.000 Kind of done.

00:50:27.000 Moving on to greener pastures, honey.

00:50:31.000 You know what sucks is Six Flags just made a new roller coaster and it's not even opening up.

00:50:35.000 Ryan Reynolds' pussy ride.

00:50:36.000 That's what it is.

00:50:37.000 You jump in a condom and you go just fucking shooting through all these pussies all throughout Hollywood.

00:50:46.000 And at the end, you're just fucking exhausted, covered in sperm.

00:50:51.000 It's kind of like that, too.

00:50:52.000 It turns into a water ride at the very end.

00:50:53.000 You get splashed.

00:50:54.000 Yeah, she's squirting.

00:50:55.000 Right when she comes at the end, the last girl comes and shoots you over the top of a fucking mountain.

00:51:00.000 That dude's got to sweat himself so hard.

00:51:02.000 How could he not?

00:51:03.000 Of course, yeah.

00:51:03.000 He's got the craziest roll of the dice ever.

00:51:06.000 Handsome, well-spoken, people like him.

00:51:09.000 Funny.

00:51:09.000 He's a decent actor, genuinely funny.

00:51:11.000 Yeah.

00:51:12.000 Good looking as fuck and nailing it, son!

00:51:14.000 Swat!

00:51:16.000 You motherfucker.

00:51:17.000 Some dude apparently just usurped Jennifer Lopez.

00:51:20.000 Have you ever heard this news?

00:51:21.000 No.

00:51:22.000 This may be true, maybe not.

00:51:23.000 Maybe I heard it from somebody who read it on the internet.

00:51:26.000 I haven't even bothered looking it up.

00:51:28.000 But apparently Jennifer Lopez got into some sort of a romantic soiree with some dude who she was dancing with.

00:51:35.000 Now all of a sudden our fucking show has become TMZ. Because I need to find out if that's true.

00:51:39.000 That Green Hornet rollercoaster is not even open yet.

00:51:41.000 Can you imagine them like they spent all this money on this rollercoaster and they're like, oh god, that movie was gay.

00:51:46.000 Now I mean bad.

00:51:47.000 And then we have to...

00:51:48.000 From announcing a split to singing at a wedding.

00:51:51.000 Is that a Six Flags ride it's going to be?

00:51:53.000 Yeah, Six Flags.

00:51:54.000 I don't even think it's open yet.

00:51:55.000 What's the other superhero one?

00:51:56.000 What's the one that Seth Rogen did?

00:51:58.000 Oh yeah, the Black Hornet?

00:52:01.000 Green Hornet.

00:52:02.000 Jennifer Lopez still fucking keeps it together.

00:52:05.000 Green Hornet and Green Lantern.

00:52:06.000 This is why I knew that this marriage was never going to work.

00:52:09.000 Why?

00:52:10.000 What is it?

00:52:10.000 She's too hot.

00:52:11.000 She's still hot.

00:52:12.000 She's still hot as fuck.

00:52:13.000 Jennifer Lopez?

00:52:13.000 She's like 50 now, right?

00:52:14.000 What is she?

00:52:14.000 How old is she?

00:52:15.000 She's 86 years old.

00:52:16.000 She's 97 years old.

00:52:17.000 And she's hot as fuck.

00:52:19.000 She's younger than me.

00:52:20.000 I shouldn't be talking shit.

00:52:21.000 She's only 41. But goddamn, she's still hot as fuck.

00:52:24.000 And that dude that she's with, that Mark Anthony fella, he's got a mirror.

00:52:28.000 He's got a mirror at home.

00:52:30.000 He knows what the fuck is up.

00:52:31.000 What he needs to do is belt out some goddamn number one hits.

00:52:34.000 It's the only way he's going to keep around.

00:52:35.000 And let's be honest, he really hasn't done that lately.

00:52:37.000 I haven't been hearing, nobody's been screaming and yelling about how great Mark Anthony's music is.

00:52:42.000 And unless you are one of the baddest motherfuckers ever, you're Justin Bieber and Prince rolled up in one, and you look like that, it's going to be hard to keep a girl like Jennifer Lopez.

00:52:53.000 For sure.

00:52:54.000 Those are some genetics, son.

00:52:55.000 Those are some I-need-dick genetics.

00:52:57.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:52:58.000 Yeah, he's a...

00:52:59.000 Yeah, look at that girl's body.

00:53:01.000 Where's that from?

00:53:01.000 What's that?

00:53:02.000 That body's a goddamn homing signal for a cock.

00:53:05.000 I'm Puerto Rican.

00:53:07.000 It's all good to be Puerto Rican.

00:53:08.000 It's like a magnet for a dick.

00:53:10.000 Yeah.

00:53:10.000 That's what it is.

00:53:11.000 Puerto Rican dicks, too.

00:53:12.000 Shazam, son.

00:53:13.000 Yeah.

00:53:13.000 That's what I'm talking about.

00:53:14.000 Yep.

00:53:15.000 Arroz con pollo.

00:53:16.000 She couldn't keep it together.

00:53:18.000 She hooked up with some other dude.

00:53:20.000 Can you imagine how many guys fucking railed and smashed that when she was one of the Fly Girls?

00:53:25.000 After months of non-stop arguing.

00:53:28.000 They argued for months non-stop.

00:53:30.000 That makes me so sad.

00:53:31.000 Why argue?

00:53:32.000 You guys have all the money in the world.

00:53:34.000 They have a kid.

00:53:34.000 They have twins, right?

00:53:36.000 Yeah.

00:53:36.000 What do I give a fuck?

00:53:38.000 People are listening to this podcast going, what do you give a fuck?

00:53:40.000 Listen, I don't, and I blame the weed.

00:53:43.000 And Oprah.

00:53:44.000 I blame the weed.

00:53:45.000 If it wasn't for the weed, I would not be on a Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez split Google run right now.

00:53:53.000 Yeah, man.

00:53:54.000 You ever get on a Google run?

00:53:55.000 Yes.

00:53:55.000 And you go, what the fuck is wrong with me, man?

00:53:57.000 Yeah.

00:53:58.000 I'm thinking about getting one of these MacBook Airs.

00:54:00.000 Good.

00:54:00.000 Go get one.

00:54:01.000 So before we...

00:54:02.000 We didn't finish this Machu Picchu thing, man.

00:54:05.000 Oh.

00:54:05.000 I'm looking at some photos of this shit now.

00:54:07.000 Tell me...

00:54:08.000 We kept getting off track.

00:54:10.000 You got there.

00:54:11.000 You fly to Cusco.

00:54:12.000 Fly to Cusco.

00:54:13.000 From Lima.

00:54:14.000 And then you stay there usually...

00:54:16.000 Most people stay there at least like a day or two to get acclimated to being up that high.

00:54:21.000 Right.

00:54:22.000 And then you take a train from Cusco to what is essentially the bottom...

00:54:27.000 Of the mountain that Machu Picchu is on, and you take a bus up the hill.

00:54:32.000 A very unsafe bus ride, might I add?

00:54:35.000 Is it like one of those things where there's a road and then this mountain to the right-hand side?

00:54:39.000 Dude, you're on a road that's on the side of a mountain with no guardrails or anything on a bus, just going up, up, up, and you're just like, we're on a mountain.

00:54:49.000 That kind of thing.

00:54:50.000 That stuff freaks me out, dude.

00:54:51.000 You can look out of your bus window and just see down.

00:54:54.000 Yeah, your bus driver falls asleep, freaks out.

00:54:56.000 Yeah.

00:54:58.000 Whatever.

00:54:58.000 Had a long night.

00:54:59.000 A dog runs across the road.

00:55:01.000 He has to hit the brakes.

00:55:02.000 Drinks.

00:55:03.000 Just does anything.

00:55:04.000 Jesus Christ.

00:55:05.000 Yeah.

00:55:05.000 It's not like...

00:55:06.000 How wide is the road?

00:55:08.000 Not wide.

00:55:09.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:55:11.000 I did the Pacific Coast Highway once.

00:55:14.000 The drive from...

00:55:16.000 California, from Southern California, Northern California, along the coast.

00:55:20.000 It's fucking amazing, man.

00:55:21.000 Amazing.

00:55:22.000 While you're driving there, you're just like, oh my god, this is so incredible.

00:55:26.000 But you can't even look at it because you're glued to that little skinny slice of rock.

00:55:32.000 Hanging over the Pacific Ocean, by the way, in a place where the ground moves all the time.

00:55:37.000 And you're driving 35 miles an hour.

00:55:40.000 You can't drive any faster because there's a fucking person in front of you.

00:55:42.000 And by the way, when you're in a cooperative agreement with all those other fucksticks on that road, you've got to know that this guy coming this way isn't just freaking out and stomping on his gas and turning into traffic because his girlfriend left him.

00:55:54.000 You've got to hope that everyone you meet is keeping it together.

00:55:58.000 Fuck that!

00:55:59.000 Fuck that.

00:56:00.000 It's terrifying.

00:56:01.000 You can go a different route, right?

00:56:02.000 You don't have to take that.

00:56:03.000 Yes, you don't have to take that.

00:56:04.000 The quicker route is actually not taken, but taking that route on the ocean is just the scenic view.

00:56:10.000 So I did it once with an ex-girlfriend of mine.

00:56:12.000 I got a ticket going up and a ticket going back.

00:56:14.000 How long does it take?

00:56:15.000 It's a speed trap, because they know you want to drive home.

00:56:18.000 Nobody lives out there, so it's all just people driving from San Francisco to LA along the coast.

00:56:22.000 So it's crazy speed traps.

00:56:24.000 How long does that take?

00:56:25.000 It's a long time.

00:56:25.000 I don't remember.

00:56:26.000 It's like somewhere around six hours, I think it was.

00:56:28.000 Somewhere around that.

00:56:29.000 And that's if you're following a reasonable pace.

00:56:32.000 We actually, I think, went to Monterey.

00:56:34.000 That's where we went.

00:56:35.000 And then we went to San Francisco later.

00:56:36.000 But it's not worth the drive.

00:56:37.000 It's a fucking cunt of a drive.

00:56:39.000 Yeah.

00:56:41.000 That takes way longer going up the coast.

00:56:43.000 But the Machu Picchu thing, so you're on this road.

00:56:45.000 Dude, you're on this road.

00:56:46.000 There's no guardrail, and it's just like that where it's a skinny road on the side of a giant mountain.

00:56:50.000 You're in the driver's hands.

00:56:51.000 And so how long from the time that you land in the plane, how long before you actually get to the top of this bus?

00:56:56.000 Well, like I said, you land in Cusco.

00:56:58.000 Usually I stay there a day or two.

00:57:00.000 Then take a train.

00:57:02.000 It's a couple hour train ride, I want to say.

00:57:04.000 Do you stay there on purpose to normalize?

00:57:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:57:06.000 Most people do.

00:57:07.000 Most people do.

00:57:07.000 Wow.

00:57:08.000 Yeah, because also, since you already flew in to Cusco that day, you probably usually don't feel like taking the train, because the best time to go is in the morning to get the whole day.

00:57:17.000 So you stay a couple days.

00:57:19.000 You get on a train.

00:57:21.000 You take the train ride, then you get the bus up the hill, and then when you arrive at the top, and you are just, you know, let's say 100 yards or something from where the actual Machu Picchu City is.

00:57:34.000 You're at the receiving area, and you walk over, and it's...

00:57:38.000 It just blows your mind, man.

00:57:39.000 There's nothing, I mean, there's no way to describe it.

00:57:41.000 There's a city, an ancient city, way up thousands of feet, 7,000 feet up in the mountains.

00:57:49.000 And it's elaborate.

00:57:51.000 It's precise.

00:57:53.000 There's reasons for the placement of things.

00:57:55.000 The sun hits certain parts of it certain ways.

00:57:57.000 And you're just like, we're way up, you know, like you're looking down.

00:58:03.000 From the top of a mountain in a city.

00:58:04.000 It was inhabited and fully functioning.

00:58:08.000 Like I said, the size of the place, the magnitude of it all, it blows your mind.

00:58:13.000 There's nothing like it, man.

00:58:14.000 How long were you up there for?

00:58:16.000 I would spend hours.

00:58:20.000 You arrive in the morning.

00:58:22.000 Let's say you're there by life.

00:58:22.000 You get a guide or someone that takes you?

00:58:24.000 Yeah, and they have so much information that blows your mind.

00:58:27.000 How old do they say it is?

00:58:29.000 I'm trying to remember.

00:58:31.000 I haven't been there before.

00:58:32.000 In a while now, but I want to say that they said, well, because it's documented when the Spanish went there and killed like thousands of them with like a hundred guys, you know, because they came with disease and weapon.

00:58:45.000 They just wiped them out.

00:58:47.000 I was in Hawaii last week, and we were reading about when white people first came to Hawaii.

00:58:54.000 It killed off one-fifth of the Hawaiian population.

00:58:57.000 Damn.

00:58:58.000 That's a lot of people.

00:58:59.000 One-fifth.

00:59:00.000 Yeah.

00:59:00.000 Can you imagine how much you would fucking hate white people if they showed up and your daughter died from measles?

00:59:05.000 Yeah.

00:59:05.000 Because these creeps brought over some creepy fucking disease.

00:59:09.000 Yeah.

00:59:11.000 That's well documented.

00:59:13.000 We could look that up.

00:59:14.000 I want to say it was like thousands to one.

00:59:18.000 That they killed them.

00:59:20.000 And that was in the 15...

00:59:22.000 I want to say 1530s or 1560s.

00:59:24.000 Something like that.

00:59:25.000 Just make some shit up, bro.

00:59:26.000 No one's going to look it up.

00:59:27.000 No one's going to Google it.

00:59:28.000 Yes, they...

00:59:29.000 I'm not an expert.

00:59:32.000 So when you go up there...

00:59:34.000 So they give you some sort of an estimation of when it was created.

00:59:37.000 Do they tell you...

00:59:38.000 Who the people were, or why they built it, or where they went.

00:59:41.000 It's all theories.

00:59:42.000 It's never been discovered, and they tell you that they're theories, because there's no record to prove that this was, in fact, the way they did it.

00:59:51.000 So was it one thing sort of when they just sort of found it?

00:59:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:59:54.000 It was discovered in the early 1900s by an explorer, an American explorer, I think.

01:00:00.000 American or British.

01:00:01.000 And he, you know, it was overgrown, like weeds and grass and everything had grown.

01:00:06.000 And then, yeah, can you imagine you're on a hike and then they take you to see this and you're like, what the fuck, man?

01:00:12.000 All of a sudden you just find some lost city.

01:00:15.000 Lost city, man.

01:00:16.000 From thousands of years ago.

01:00:18.000 A real lost city.

01:00:18.000 I wish I could remember what the...

01:00:22.000 Chariots of the Gods slash Graham Hancock crew thinks about this place.

01:00:27.000 Because I think there is some sort of speculation that it was at the side of water at one point in time.

01:00:32.000 Really?

01:00:32.000 Yeah.

01:00:33.000 You know, that the topography of the earth was so radically different when this thing was created that it's so many thousands of years old that there was actually water up there.

01:00:40.000 What this guy wants to do is this John Anthony West guy, he wants to push back the idea of civilization like more than 10,000 B.C. He wants to go like way back, even like 30,000 B.C. And he thinks that there's sort of hieroglyphs that represent that.

01:00:56.000 But for whatever reasons, Egyptian scholars have refused to look at those hieroglyphs and they believe that it's all fiction after a certain point.

01:01:03.000 It's just fiction and fable.

01:01:04.000 And he's saying, well, why would you think that?

01:01:06.000 Because there's all this other evidence that we know is real that's also in the hieroglyphs.

01:01:11.000 Why would we assume that at one point in time they were just liars?

01:01:14.000 Yeah.

01:01:14.000 So it's kind of, did you fuck this new one up again?

01:01:16.000 Yeah.

01:01:18.000 It's still broken.

01:01:19.000 We got a new one, though.

01:01:20.000 I know, it never really...

01:01:21.000 The new one doesn't work either?

01:01:22.000 No.

01:01:23.000 Goddammit, son.

01:01:24.000 Anyway...

01:01:26.000 Those guys are right, and it was like 30,000 years ago, or whatever the hell it was, where there was a civilization up here, and there was an ocean up there, or a river, or whatever the hell it was.

01:01:35.000 It's not near ocean, right?

01:01:36.000 No.

01:01:37.000 I mean, you know, no, not like...

01:01:38.000 So they think it would have to be some giant lake or something up there.

01:01:40.000 But they have, one of their theories is that they used water to lay those rocks, and to make them, to shape them.

01:01:45.000 Like through some extremely, I don't know, intricate formula that water – because water hits rocks and shapes them over time and beats them down to sand.

01:01:56.000 They have a theory that water was used to make rocks fit into each other.

01:02:03.000 But through some elaborate system that you hear about it and you go like, yeah, I don't fucking know, man.

01:02:08.000 The sheer size of them is what's really mind-boggling.

01:02:11.000 It really is, man.

01:02:12.000 They're eight, nine feet tall, and they're curved, and they fit into other curved rocks.

01:02:17.000 And thousands of pounds.

01:02:19.000 Yeah, thousands of tons.

01:02:20.000 Yeah.

01:02:21.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't know about thousands of tons.

01:02:23.000 What's the biggest one?

01:02:24.000 We should know this.

01:02:25.000 We should know this.

01:02:26.000 While we're talking shit.

01:02:27.000 But there are enormous stones up there, whatever the fuck it is.

01:02:30.000 I highly recommend a trip there.

01:02:32.000 Man, you're making me want to go.

01:02:34.000 I really do.

01:02:34.000 So when you land in the morning at this one place, before you get in the bus and all the jazz, when you land in the morning, do they give you a survival pack or anything?

01:02:44.000 No.

01:02:45.000 Here's water.

01:02:46.000 You're at high altitude.

01:02:48.000 Well, when you land in Cusco, yeah.

01:02:49.000 If you've never been there, hotels will give you tea.

01:02:53.000 They'll tell you to hydrate.

01:02:55.000 Yeah, everybody.

01:02:56.000 I mean, it's...

01:02:57.000 Peru is considered a third world, but it's actually really developed now.

01:03:02.000 This is such an international destination that everything is modern, as far as getting you there.

01:03:11.000 The last time I went was 10 years ago.

01:03:13.000 And, you know, it was still pretty much, but there's a hotel at the location.

01:03:17.000 If you want to stay overnight, there's a hotel right there.

01:03:20.000 So, like, not like, you know, not within the city of Machu Picchu, but right, kind of, not far from it.

01:03:25.000 So you can stay in the hotel, like, it's very naughty.

01:03:28.000 Even in the fucking ghosts.

01:03:30.000 Yeah.

01:03:30.000 In the middle of the night.

01:03:31.000 Dude, it's sword fights from thousands of years ago.

01:03:33.000 It really, like, affects you.

01:03:35.000 It affects you.

01:03:36.000 Really?

01:03:36.000 Yeah.

01:03:37.000 Yeah, like, you stay in there, you take it in, you're looking at, like, you're looking at the sky and the mountains, and you're like, How is this possible?

01:03:45.000 Because it blows your mind in terms of most things that you look at, there's so many explanations and answers for, and this is something where you really don't have one.

01:03:57.000 You can't have somebody tell you, this is exactly what this was.

01:04:03.000 But why do you say you can't?

01:04:04.000 Just because it's just too nutty, too big?

01:04:06.000 And because there's no proof that it was used for this and it was built this way.

01:04:12.000 They're all theories.

01:04:13.000 There's theories on why this was done.

01:04:14.000 And so that then opens your mind up to really what are possibilities, I think.

01:04:20.000 What are possibilities in the world?

01:04:22.000 What are the possibilities that you got from being there, looking at that?

01:04:26.000 It was underwater and mermaids built it.

01:04:30.000 I just got that it was something that, you know, that's greater than what my mind can conceive of.

01:04:38.000 It makes you feel, like, really small, you know, in a lot of terms, like, just by the scope of it.

01:04:46.000 And, like, if this was done by some intricate, like, levy and pulling system with water, like, man, how little do I know?

01:04:55.000 Like, how little have I taken in that people...

01:05:00.000 That we're in an ancient civilization, built a city.

01:05:04.000 Am I of the lowest IQ level possible?

01:05:10.000 You could explain it to me 20 times, and I'd be like, what?

01:05:14.000 I don't understand what you're saying right now.

01:05:16.000 Really, you go, that's...

01:05:18.000 And then also, I think you think about spiritual things.

01:05:22.000 You definitely feel something.

01:05:24.000 You think about God and possibilities of gods and stuff.

01:05:27.000 These people all worshipped...

01:05:31.000 I believe the sun and other gods, you know, Incas did.

01:05:34.000 So, you know, they were just doing this for what they believed was God, you know, worshiping him.

01:05:40.000 Are they sacrificed?

01:05:41.000 Incas sacrificed.

01:05:42.000 So, you know, they would kill their own.

01:05:45.000 Offer him up.

01:05:46.000 Jesus Christ.

01:05:47.000 Yeah.

01:05:48.000 It's pretty amazing, man.

01:05:49.000 I wonder what made them build those things.

01:05:51.000 What I would think as far as it being very spiritual to be there, and the terms of what I mean by spiritual is that if a spirit was real, and if there is some sort of an energy that's inside of a life form, and that energy leaves and stays in that space

01:06:08.000 once the person's gone, when you go to a place like a Machu Picchu, and you think about all the thousands of years of history, and all the people that have died, all the people that died in that area, how long ago it was If there was ever any feeling you could get of the spirit of a place, it would have to be some sort of a really, really ancient place.

01:06:32.000 A place along those lines, standing where Troy is, walking around the Colosseum, touching the Parthenon, shit like that.

01:06:42.000 Can you go to really, really ancient places like that?

01:06:45.000 I know it's a different term when you say spiritual, but there's got to be a certain energy to those places.

01:06:53.000 If you really believe in that, if you really believe that...

01:06:56.000 Human energy stays in the area when the person is killed, which people believe when they believe that houses are haunted.

01:07:02.000 You know, I know a lot of people that you tell them, hey, you want to buy JonBenet Ramsey's house?

01:07:06.000 They'll go, get the fuck out of here.

01:07:07.000 They'll go, dude, it's the best house ever.

01:07:09.000 It's beautiful.

01:07:09.000 It's only like half what it would be worth if it wasn't JonBenet Ramsey's.

01:07:13.000 They'll still be like, fuck that.

01:07:14.000 I'm not living in that house.

01:07:16.000 Why?

01:07:16.000 Because they think that there might be some energy in that house.

01:07:19.000 There's something left over.

01:07:21.000 Yeah, and I think that's almost even a better way of describing what it is.

01:07:26.000 You get like, you feel something when you're in that presence, like that type of greatness.

01:07:31.000 Yeah.

01:07:31.000 Which is that, I think you feel like a boost.

01:07:34.000 You know what I mean?

01:07:35.000 Yeah.

01:07:35.000 You feel like some...

01:07:36.000 Feeling when you're there.

01:07:38.000 You cannot, unless you're a total sociopath, walk into Machu Picchu and just be like, yeah, cool.

01:07:44.000 What do you guys want to do?

01:07:45.000 Are you able to grab lunch?

01:07:47.000 It's too amazing, too captivating, inspiring to just be like, I've seen it.

01:07:53.000 It's amazing.

01:07:56.000 I would love to go to a place where I knew there was Roman battles.

01:08:00.000 Just walk along the ground where the Coliseum is.

01:08:03.000 They let you on the ground there.

01:08:05.000 In the Colosseum.

01:08:07.000 They let you actually walk on the dirt in the middle?

01:08:09.000 Yeah.

01:08:10.000 They let you walk on that spot?

01:08:11.000 You don't get to walk all throughout it.

01:08:13.000 There's areas that you can walk through.

01:08:15.000 Yeah, it's like a path through the whole thing, if I remember.

01:08:18.000 Dude, eat a pot brownie and stay in the middle of the Colosseum and think of how crazy that shit is.

01:08:23.000 Could you imagine if you were blitzkrieg on one of those Joey Diaz banana bread specials that he gets from that Russian place and you went to the fucking Roman Colosseum and you stood there in the middle of that?

01:08:33.000 That'd be awesome.

01:08:34.000 Dude, can I read you this?

01:08:35.000 Sure.

01:08:36.000 I looked up this thing.

01:08:37.000 Okay.

01:08:38.000 In 1531, the Spanish expedition led by Francisco Pizarro, the guy that discovered Peru for Spain, let's say, right?

01:08:49.000 Right.

01:08:49.000 The Spanish guy that came over.

01:08:51.000 He had 180 men and 37 horses, were on a quest to conquer the Incan Empire.

01:08:58.000 The Spaniards advanced to the south after receiving reinforcements, and they marched with a force of 106-foot soldiers and 62 horsemen.

01:09:10.000 And they went on to beat Atahualpa, the Incan guy, and I believe his 80,000-man army.

01:09:21.000 Whoa!

01:09:22.000 Yeah.

01:09:23.000 Because they had guns?

01:09:24.000 And disease.

01:09:25.000 Like, their disease killed a huge, huge...

01:09:29.000 Holy shit!

01:09:31.000 So a couple hundred bad motherfuckers from Spain just dominated that whole place.

01:09:35.000 Yep.

01:09:36.000 And he captured...

01:09:38.000 He captured the top dog, the Spanish did.

01:09:42.000 They captured Atahualpa, and he offered to fill a large room.

01:09:47.000 They tell you this when you're there, but 22 feet long, 17 feet wide, and a height of 8 feet with gold and twice with silver within two months.

01:09:57.000 So to fill up rooms, which is gold and silver.

01:10:01.000 And the Spanish agreed to the terms, got the gold and silver, and then killed them.

01:10:09.000 Oh, shit!

01:10:10.000 Yeah.

01:10:11.000 Gangster style, right?

01:10:13.000 God damn.

01:10:15.000 And can you imagine if you were forced to live like back then?

01:10:20.000 Can you imagine if you were on the fucking shores of Peru or the ground in Peru and you saw the Spaniards rolling over the hill and horses and shit shooting?

01:10:29.000 shooting at you.

01:10:30.000 Yeah.

01:10:31.000 They just decided they were just going to take over.

01:10:32.000 Motherfucker.

01:10:34.000 Could you imagine how much that would suck?

01:10:36.000 Yeah.

01:10:37.000 They, they were going to, he was, They did a formal, like, you're on trial.

01:10:43.000 You're guilty.

01:10:43.000 We're going to kill you now.

01:10:45.000 And they sentenced him to die by burning.

01:10:48.000 And then they, in accordance with his request, because he agreed to be baptized, then they strangled him instead.

01:10:57.000 Oh my god.

01:10:59.000 Wow, he agreed to be baptized, and then they strangled him instead of burning him alive.

01:11:03.000 Yeah, that was the compromise.

01:11:05.000 Holy shit.

01:11:07.000 God damn, they got one more compromise out of him before they killed him.

01:11:10.000 Crazy, right?

01:11:11.000 It made him get baptized.

01:11:12.000 Yeah.

01:11:12.000 Holy shit.

01:11:14.000 Yeah.

01:11:15.000 Dude, people back then rocked it in an entirely different way, you know?

01:11:20.000 Back then, you really could be like a Michelle Bachman in control of the world.

01:11:25.000 Yeah.

01:11:25.000 You know, there's no internet videos from 1999 with you talking about the apocalypse and doom and...

01:11:32.000 Absolutely, man.

01:11:34.000 The fucking...

01:11:35.000 Could you imagine if you could get inside the head of any sort of a dictator from that time period?

01:11:43.000 Any sort of a king or, you know, just get it.

01:11:48.000 See how they were running shit back in like 1492 when Columbus took off.

01:11:53.000 They were...

01:11:53.000 You know?

01:11:54.000 They were...

01:11:55.000 People forget, like, Spain, that was gangster country.

01:11:59.000 Fuck yeah.

01:12:00.000 There are how many people, like, they've got to be close to 700 million or 800 million people that speak a language from, like, 3,000 miles away, because they fucking ran shit, man.

01:12:13.000 Yeah.

01:12:13.000 They swung their dicks around.

01:12:15.000 Hey, there's a hundred of us.

01:12:16.000 We're going to kill you 80,000.

01:12:18.000 Yeah.

01:12:18.000 Yeah, how gangster is that?

01:12:19.000 This is our shit now.

01:12:20.000 Yeah, and it's like, if they were a hundred dudes without a country, they would just be pirates.

01:12:26.000 Yeah.

01:12:26.000 And no one would take them seriously.

01:12:27.000 They'd be a band of pirates and ruffians.

01:12:29.000 Yeah.

01:12:29.000 But instead, history actually looks upon it as, you know, almost like a qualified act.

01:12:34.000 Like, well, you know, Spain attacked this.

01:12:37.000 Yeah.

01:12:37.000 You know, instead of, you know, Blackbeard and his gang of thugs trying to take over North Carolina.

01:12:43.000 Yeah.

01:12:44.000 You know, instead of that, it's...

01:12:46.000 It's a whole country.

01:12:47.000 It's not qualified as thuggish when it's super thuggish.

01:12:50.000 It's totally thuggish.

01:12:51.000 It's the most gangster shit ever.

01:12:53.000 A hundred dudes take over the fucking whole country.

01:12:56.000 Unbelievable, man.

01:12:57.000 That's insane, man.

01:12:58.000 That's hard to believe.

01:12:59.000 Did they have rapid-fire guns back then, or was it a musket?

01:13:02.000 No.

01:13:02.000 No, no.

01:13:03.000 They did it with muskets.

01:13:04.000 Yeah, knives.

01:13:05.000 Jesus Christ.

01:13:06.000 Bayonets.

01:13:06.000 He took over with muskets.

01:13:07.000 Can you imagine how stressful that would be?

01:13:09.000 Like somebody's running right towards you and you're just trying to fucking fill your musket.

01:13:12.000 Wasn't this also the case, though, that when the Spaniards came, there was a lot of confusion.

01:13:16.000 They thought the Spaniards were gods.

01:13:18.000 And so they let him in before the Spaniards took over and started killing people.

01:13:23.000 That's Cortez, right?

01:13:24.000 That might be Cortez.

01:13:25.000 Is that Cortez?

01:13:26.000 My fucking Mayan history is completely limited.

01:13:30.000 My Aztec history, all I know is the cool shit.

01:13:33.000 Like, yeah, Kukla Khan was the snake with the fucking feathers, bro.

01:13:37.000 Like, I know shit like that.

01:13:38.000 Right.

01:13:40.000 Wetzelquadl.

01:13:41.000 I know a lot of them hadn't seen horses, so they saw horses and they were like, what the fuck is that?

01:13:46.000 Didn't they think that Spaniards on horses were initially gods?

01:13:49.000 Yeah, I think they thought they were one being, too, because they came off and they're like, that thing's got four legs.

01:13:54.000 Yeah, I think there was a lot of confusion in the beginning, and they actually gave them a lot of money and let them deep in, and then they eventually realized, but if it was too late, that they weren't gods, they were just men that rode around on fucking horses.

01:14:08.000 Unbelievable, man.

01:14:09.000 That's how bad people had it back then.

01:14:11.000 Yeah.

01:14:11.000 It's amazing that that's not that long ago.

01:14:13.000 And they would do shit like tell them, like, your whole worship shit is bullshit.

01:14:17.000 Yeah.

01:14:17.000 It's Catholic.

01:14:18.000 Like, you're Catholic.

01:14:19.000 Or you're dead.

01:14:20.000 Yeah.

01:14:20.000 And they're like, alright, whatever.

01:14:21.000 Like, the thing they'd done for, like, the only thing they knew, which was probably, you know, the sun or, like, stars.

01:14:28.000 Yeah.

01:14:28.000 These guys were like, that's not what it's like.

01:14:29.000 So, Hawaii, too, man.

01:14:31.000 Yeah.

01:14:31.000 Notice I said that with the correct ethnic terminology?

01:14:34.000 Yeah.

01:14:34.000 What's the word?

01:14:36.000 Annunciation?

01:14:36.000 Hawaii.

01:14:38.000 They had mercenaries or missionaries.

01:14:40.000 Same thing.

01:14:41.000 Missionaries, they're mercenaries for God.

01:14:43.000 That's all it is.

01:14:43.000 Right.

01:14:44.000 Mercenaries came to Hawaii in the 1800s and converted them to Christianity.

01:14:48.000 And, like, in the 1800s, they had their first Christian king, you know?

01:14:52.000 Yeah.

01:14:53.000 And they're like...

01:14:55.000 Yeah, Hawaii's a crazy situation, man.

01:14:57.000 Did you swim with dolphins when you were there last?

01:14:59.000 No, there was no dolphins.

01:15:01.000 I didn't see any dolphins.

01:15:03.000 But I did a few times ago.

01:15:05.000 Not this time, but the last time in Lanai.

01:15:08.000 It's another one of the islands.

01:15:10.000 And there you can swim with the dolphins.

01:15:13.000 The trippiest experience that I ever had was in a boat with the dolphins.

01:15:16.000 Dolphins will follow the boats and they'll play with you and jump around next to you.

01:15:19.000 It's amazing that that's five hours away by plane, yet it's America.

01:15:25.000 And if we can't wrap our head around how big that is, that's literally if you took off from Burbank and the whole country was the ocean.

01:15:35.000 The whole country.

01:15:36.000 Every state along the way.

01:15:38.000 Fucking Ohio.

01:15:39.000 It's all ocean.

01:15:40.000 And then you land in New Jersey and that's the shore.

01:15:42.000 That's how fucking far away Hawaii is.

01:15:45.000 Over the ocean.

01:15:46.000 And yet it's still considered America.

01:15:50.000 That really is.

01:15:51.000 You forget that that's colonization, right?

01:15:53.000 That's what that is.

01:15:53.000 That's gangster shit is what that is.

01:15:55.000 That's old school gangster shit.

01:15:58.000 Hawaii was taken over in the 1890s by businessmen.

01:16:02.000 Yeah.

01:16:03.000 At least that's what it said when I was reading that thing.

01:16:05.000 There just were some fucking people trying to keep on keeping on out there in the middle of the ocean, living on a volcano, you know?

01:16:13.000 Yeah.

01:16:13.000 Spain still has the Canary Islands.

01:16:16.000 That's off the west coast of Africa.

01:16:17.000 They're like, that's our shit still.

01:16:18.000 We're lucky that Hawaii is five hours away in a plane because that is the best spot ever.

01:16:23.000 If that was like you could drive there, people would ruin that in a week.

01:16:28.000 If you could drive to Hawaii, if they made a bridge to Hawaii, it would be backed up with cars every day, forever, and Hawaii would be covered in dirt and fucking plastic bags and cigarette butts.

01:16:39.000 It would be jacked within no time.

01:16:41.000 Yeah, it's so beautiful.

01:16:42.000 Yeah, it's the fact that you have to fly over there so you can't bring too much shit with you.

01:16:47.000 You can't keep your shit there unless you live there.

01:16:49.000 And if you live there, they give you shit if you're a fucking litter bug, you cunt.

01:16:53.000 Like, you walk along the beach.

01:16:55.000 The beaches are clean, man.

01:16:56.000 They're actually fucking clean.

01:16:58.000 Like, you see very little trash on the beach.

01:17:00.000 You know, if that was the same beach on the East Coast, it would just be everywhere you looked.

01:17:03.000 It'd be a can or a bottle or a fucking tampon or a syringe.

01:17:08.000 Like, everywhere you go, there's trash.

01:17:10.000 They can't clean it up enough.

01:17:12.000 And then it's in the water as well because, you know, the water's coming from all the way the fuck up to Maine and everything along down the way down the East Coast is all just fucking cities and shit and people...

01:17:23.000 You know, emptying their fucking toilet into the water.

01:17:26.000 So by the time it gets to where you are, it's, you know, it's disgusting.

01:17:30.000 Half of them are disgusting in comparison.

01:17:32.000 Hawaii is just pristine, man.

01:17:34.000 Beautiful.

01:17:35.000 Couldn't deal with living there, though.

01:17:36.000 No?

01:17:36.000 Yeah, I was thinking there.

01:17:37.000 I went to a luau.

01:17:38.000 It's pretty badass.

01:17:39.000 Kind of interesting.

01:17:40.000 Sure, bro.

01:17:41.000 Is a luau like a party, right?

01:17:42.000 Yeah, it's like a party.

01:17:43.000 They cook a pig under the ground.

01:17:45.000 The pig was delicious.

01:17:46.000 And the dude who was one of the Hawaiian dancer dudes was an MMA fan.

01:17:52.000 He hooked me up and he gave me a piece of the cheek.

01:17:55.000 That's supposed to be the best part of the pig.

01:17:57.000 The butt cheek or the face cheek?

01:17:58.000 The face cheek.

01:17:59.000 Not the butt cheek, dude.

01:18:00.000 How dare you?

01:18:00.000 But you do eat the skin.

01:18:01.000 They give you crispy skin.

01:18:03.000 They cook the skin.

01:18:03.000 It's really good, dude.

01:18:05.000 It's good.

01:18:05.000 Really?

01:18:06.000 Yeah, dude.

01:18:06.000 That's slow-cooked pigs.

01:18:08.000 Slow Cook Pig is pretty fucking spectacular.

01:18:10.000 It's amazing stuff.

01:18:13.000 But their music is whack.

01:18:16.000 You have to sit through their music.

01:18:18.000 All I was thinking was, it's a beautiful culture.

01:18:22.000 They're amazing people.

01:18:25.000 Especially, let's be honest, especially when you're going to a resort and you're spending money where they have to be nice to you.

01:18:30.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:18:30.000 Yeah.

01:18:31.000 But even outside of that, like in Maui, people are very nice.

01:18:34.000 They're just friendly.

01:18:35.000 Whenever I hear people say things like, oh, Hawaiians don't like white people, they don't like people.

01:18:40.000 Well, why not?

01:18:42.000 Is it because so many white people are cunts?

01:18:44.000 Yeah.

01:18:44.000 Is that possibly what it is?

01:18:46.000 My experience there is that they've always been super nice.

01:18:48.000 They're just really genuinely nice people, but so many people are douchebags.

01:18:52.000 And you're a douchebag, you come in from another country, basically, to them.

01:18:56.000 Sure.

01:18:56.000 And you're littering, and you're acting like an asshole, and of course they're going to want to kick your ass.

01:19:00.000 Of course.

01:19:00.000 So there's a certain amount of douchebags, I'm sure, that live in Hawaii, but for the most part, it's really nice.

01:19:06.000 But...

01:19:08.000 That music, bro.

01:19:09.000 That luau music?

01:19:10.000 Yeah.

01:19:10.000 There was a song that they sang about a woman selling papayas and red and green bananas.

01:19:18.000 And that was the whole fucking song.

01:19:20.000 Yeah.

01:19:20.000 She's selling her papayas And her red and green banana And that's the song And I'm going fucking crazy.

01:19:32.000 I'm going crazy.

01:19:33.000 Because I just got there from the gym, too.

01:19:35.000 I worked out.

01:19:35.000 They have a nice gym there at the hotel.

01:19:36.000 So I got in a full fucking four days of power training there, son.

01:19:41.000 I worked out hard there.

01:19:42.000 So I felt good.

01:19:43.000 Which kept me together.

01:19:45.000 But the whole time I was in the gym, I was listening to some old school Leonard Skinner.

01:19:48.000 I got really into Leonard Skinner this week.

01:19:50.000 Yeah.

01:19:51.000 They got some fucking jams, dude.

01:19:53.000 Tearing shit up.

01:19:54.000 Oh, God.

01:19:55.000 I just got into the whole idea of these dirty white guys from Florida drinking and singing.

01:20:01.000 It's a fucking good vibe.

01:20:03.000 Some of their songs are fucking great, man.

01:20:06.000 Freebird's kind of a long song.

01:20:07.000 There's parts that are not that fun.

01:20:09.000 But when they start, Lord, I can't change.

01:20:13.000 Yeah.

01:20:14.000 So won't you fly free bird?

01:20:19.000 Yeah.

01:20:21.000 Dude, when you're lifting and that fucking shit comes on, you're like...

01:20:24.000 You just want to fucking fire up some extra sense.

01:20:28.000 Boo!

01:20:28.000 So I heard that.

01:20:30.000 I just heard Free Bird.

01:20:31.000 I just heard, you know, The Ballad of Curtis Lowe.

01:20:34.000 I just heard, you know, I just heard all the cool shit.

01:20:38.000 They call me the Breeze.

01:20:40.000 It's like beer drinking guys that like to fucking rock and roll.

01:20:43.000 And I'm sitting here, and I pop a breath strip, of course.

01:20:45.000 I want a full Hawaii experience.

01:20:47.000 I'm sitting here at this luau, baked to the gills, trying to keep an eye on the kids, drinking pina coladas, listening to some whack-ass music.

01:20:56.000 And while I'm sitting there, I'm having a great-ass time in Hawaii.

01:20:59.000 The weather's beautiful.

01:21:00.000 It's paradise.

01:21:01.000 I'm thinking, God damn, how awesome would it be if they just said, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Leonard Skinner.

01:21:06.000 Ha ha ha.

01:21:07.000 And the Hawaiian guys step aside.

01:21:09.000 And somehow or another, Ronnie Van Zandt is still alive.

01:21:12.000 And they fucking start jamming.

01:21:13.000 Leonard Skittert out there on the beach.

01:21:15.000 I would pay $100,000 for that shit.

01:21:18.000 Alright?

01:21:19.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:21:19.000 I mean, fucking then it would be an amazing vacation.

01:21:22.000 Yeah.

01:21:23.000 You're making me listen to...

01:21:28.000 And her red and green banana.

01:21:31.000 Other cultures, I don't know why some music is so, so bad.

01:21:36.000 This shit's brutal.

01:21:38.000 A lot of, like, you go to, like, you know, look at research, like, Eastern European countries, and their fucking music, their traditional music is like, what the fuck is that?

01:21:46.000 It's Borat shit.

01:21:47.000 Yeah, it totally is Borat shit.

01:21:49.000 That's why Borat's so good.

01:21:51.000 And they all are really like that.

01:21:53.000 And it's some guy with some creepy fucking mustache who's like...

01:21:56.000 And none of it really sounds like it has a melody or a rhythm.

01:22:00.000 And they're going crazy like that's the best song ever.

01:22:02.000 That's the song that the goat doesn't drink out of the fountain because that's where you live.

01:22:06.000 And you're like, what is the meaning behind it?

01:22:08.000 What's up with Mexican music?

01:22:10.000 Same kind of thing, right?

01:22:11.000 Like, every single song sounds like an ice cream truck going down the street.

01:22:14.000 I mean, it's like...

01:22:15.000 There's a type of the mariachi music, you know.

01:22:20.000 The good mariachi music with good trumpets.

01:22:23.000 Like, when you hear, like...

01:22:25.000 Oscar De La Hoya stepping into the ring.

01:22:28.000 When he's walking down the aisle, stepping into the ring, he brings with him a badass mariachi band.

01:22:34.000 These motherfuckers are on top of shit.

01:22:40.000 When they're doing that shit, man, these guys are badass to watch.

01:22:43.000 They're experts.

01:22:45.000 They're doing the real shit.

01:22:47.000 There's some bullshit down there.

01:22:49.000 There's some wack-ass mariachis.

01:22:50.000 There's some wack-ass stand-up.

01:22:52.000 What a big culture is in Mexico that cowboys are, right?

01:22:56.000 You know cowboys?

01:22:57.000 We have country music.

01:22:58.000 A lot of that shit you're hearing, that you're like, what is that?

01:23:01.000 That's their country music.

01:23:03.000 That's why you're like, this fucking shit's terrible, man.

01:23:05.000 They do have regular music, right?

01:23:07.000 They do.

01:23:08.000 They have pop music.

01:23:09.000 That's the only music I've ever heard.

01:23:10.000 When we were in San Diego, I was listening to a rap station that was in Mexico.

01:23:14.000 And there was also one station that we went on where we were allowed to swear because their station, their tower was actually located in Mexico.

01:23:23.000 And even though we were in San Diego, they were a Mexican station.

01:23:28.000 And so we were allowed to swear on the air.

01:23:30.000 Really?

01:23:30.000 I was like, that is fucking crazy.

01:23:32.000 He goes, don't do it too much, but you can swear a little.

01:23:34.000 Really?

01:23:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:23:36.000 That is cool.

01:23:37.000 It was weird.

01:23:38.000 Well, it's cool, but look at this fucking thing we're doing right now.

01:23:41.000 We don't have to worry about any of that bullshit anymore.

01:23:43.000 This fucking radio seems so obsolete now.

01:23:47.000 And I do radio, and I love doing it.

01:23:48.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:23:49.000 It's always nice, and Kevin and Bean are my favorite.

01:23:52.000 As far as people that are still on radio, they're my favorite show to come in because it's in LA and I can do it all the time, but God, I always have to watch what I'm saying.

01:23:59.000 I always have to wonder if I could say this or say that.

01:24:03.000 You've got to be careful.

01:24:04.000 Yeah, I've had some really bad radio experiences lately.

01:24:07.000 Really?

01:24:08.000 Just like shit where you're like, man, can you do a little bit to add to this?

01:24:13.000 What do you mean?

01:24:15.000 I've had one where I get there and they're like, the green room's over there, we'll come get you.

01:24:20.000 And you're like, alright.

01:24:20.000 You just sit down, you're in the green room.

01:24:22.000 And then the guy comes in, he's like, hey, so, how you doing?

01:24:26.000 You'll be on the next segment.

01:24:27.000 Like, we don't really do interviews or anything.

01:24:29.000 It's like, just, you know, be funny.

01:24:31.000 And I'll be like, what?

01:24:32.000 And they're like, it's all on you, man.

01:24:33.000 Just be funny.

01:24:34.000 And I'm like, just be funny?

01:24:36.000 Like, we're just gonna...

01:24:38.000 What do you mean?

01:24:39.000 You want me to start doing jokes?

01:24:40.000 They're like, just, you know, your chance to do whatever you want to do.

01:24:42.000 I'm like, well, can we just, like, talk?

01:24:44.000 Do you want us to ask you something specifically?

01:24:46.000 I'm like, we can't have a regular...

01:24:49.000 You don't want to just make it an organic...

01:24:51.000 Conversation.

01:24:52.000 Yeah, can we just do that?

01:24:53.000 We don't really do that here.

01:24:54.000 Yeah.

01:24:55.000 You know, they tried to get me to not do that on the Bob and Tom show.

01:24:58.000 Some guy came in.

01:24:59.000 Bob and Tom were cool as fuck.

01:25:01.000 They're cool guys.

01:25:01.000 They were very cool guys.

01:25:03.000 Once I actually got in to meet them, but before I got to meet them, there was some dude that was like, give me the stink eye.

01:25:08.000 And he goes, well, what specifically do you want them to talk to you about?

01:25:12.000 And I go, I go, dude, anything.

01:25:14.000 I go, I'm low maintenance.

01:25:15.000 Let's just talk.

01:25:16.000 Let's have a good time.

01:25:17.000 Well, they need things to lead you into.

01:25:19.000 I go, dude, I can't do that.

01:25:20.000 I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to talk about this or I'm going to talk about that.

01:25:23.000 That's going to sound gross.

01:25:25.000 Let's just sit down.

01:25:26.000 We're going to have some fun.

01:25:27.000 Don't worry about it.

01:25:27.000 And he gave me this stink eye like I was...

01:25:30.000 Unprofessional.

01:25:31.000 Do you know that this is the Bob and Tom show?

01:25:33.000 Really?

01:25:34.000 Bob and Tom show is a fucking huge show.

01:25:36.000 Yeah, it's huge.

01:25:37.000 It's syndicated all across the country.

01:25:38.000 They probably have millions of listeners.

01:25:40.000 They got a lot of fucking listeners.

01:25:41.000 They help a lot of comedians.

01:25:43.000 Totally.

01:25:44.000 I've been on that show a number of times and they're always awesome to me.

01:25:48.000 They're great guys.

01:25:48.000 This dude was giving me a stink eye.

01:25:51.000 But, you know, in his defense, it's probably what he's supposed to do.

01:25:54.000 Yeah.

01:25:54.000 You know, that's his fucking job, and I'm ruining it, you know, like I'm some hot shot, just gonna come in here and sling dick.

01:25:59.000 I had another one who I did call in, and the guy's like, alright, so you're gonna be on in a minute.

01:26:04.000 Just like, you know, you got a couple jokes ready to go?

01:26:07.000 And I was like, I guess.

01:26:09.000 Yeah, man.

01:26:09.000 And then he's like, alright, so, then they pushed me on, and the guy's like, hey, you're gonna be at the club.

01:26:13.000 It's awesome.

01:26:14.000 Everybody go see him.

01:26:15.000 All right, man.

01:26:15.000 Now, before you do your thing, we're going to have you do your thing right here.

01:26:18.000 And I'm like, nah.

01:26:19.000 Like, I'm just going to start going into the act.

01:26:21.000 Oh, my God.

01:26:21.000 That's so gross.

01:26:22.000 Yeah, and we just talked for a minute, and he's like, let us hear it.

01:26:24.000 Just go right into Ralphie Mae's act.

01:26:26.000 What?

01:26:27.000 Just go right into Ralphie Mae's act and tell him that you did it, too.

01:26:30.000 Say, Ralphie, man, I just went right into your act.

01:26:32.000 I just started doing you.

01:26:33.000 Don't even do it yourself.

01:26:34.000 Make it an inside joke.

01:26:35.000 Yeah, I should, right?

01:26:36.000 Do somebody else's material.

01:26:37.000 I'll turn it into Tom.

01:26:39.000 Yeah, do on purpose.

01:26:41.000 Have an agreement with someone.

01:26:42.000 Listen, if I'm ever in a bad situation and they want me to do my own material, I'm going to do it very badly, but I'm going to do your stuff.

01:26:48.000 Do it.

01:26:48.000 Yeah, okay.

01:26:49.000 And you make a deal.

01:26:50.000 Yeah.

01:26:51.000 Yeah.

01:26:51.000 Because otherwise it's like, go ahead, tell us, what do you think is funny these days, man?

01:26:55.000 Yeah, dude.

01:26:56.000 And you're like, oh.

01:26:57.000 I had a conversation with, I'm an out, I don't give a fuck, Cheech from Cheech and Chong at a party once.

01:27:02.000 And he's like, what are you talking about on stage?

01:27:04.000 I go, oh, you know, whatever.

01:27:06.000 Whatever I think is interesting.

01:27:08.000 You know, whatever is going on in my life.

01:27:09.000 You know what I mean?

01:27:09.000 So what are you talking about now?

01:27:11.000 Like, tell me some of your material.

01:27:12.000 I go, what?

01:27:13.000 What?

01:27:15.000 This is what I said to him.

01:27:15.000 What?

01:27:16.000 What did you say?

01:27:17.000 Come on, man.

01:27:18.000 Fuck out of here.

01:27:18.000 I'm not telling you my material.

01:27:19.000 Yeah.

01:27:20.000 This is what I... That's gross.

01:27:21.000 Yeah, it is gross.

01:27:22.000 You know, if you ever want to come to a show...

01:27:24.000 And, well, the thing is, too, like...

01:27:26.000 What are you talking about?

01:27:26.000 He kept going, too.

01:27:27.000 Like, so what are you...

01:27:28.000 Come on, tell me what you're talking about.

01:27:29.000 I'm like, what?

01:27:29.000 This is really what it comes down to, too.

01:27:31.000 Like, it's like...

01:27:32.000 All you have to do, if you have a comedy...

01:27:34.000 If you're a radio station or whatever, a DJ... Is just have the minimum amount...

01:27:40.000 Like, feign interest in who's in front of you...

01:27:43.000 Just a little bit.

01:27:45.000 And you can get a conversation going that's going to be interesting and funny.

01:27:49.000 And usually if it's somebody famous, like if you, they go, it's already in their head.

01:27:53.000 So they'll be like, I love news radio.

01:27:55.000 So they'll ask you, what about this?

01:27:57.000 And they can get something going.

01:27:59.000 But if they don't know who you are, they don't recognize you, they sometimes, not all of them, but some of them will literally just be like, so what's up?

01:28:06.000 And you're on the air and you're like, I flew in.

01:28:09.000 I'm like, what?

01:28:11.000 I'm tired.

01:28:12.000 And they're like, do you want to get into your shit?

01:28:14.000 And you're like, really?

01:28:16.000 I'm just going to fucking dance around right now?

01:28:18.000 Maybe it's people that just don't understand stand-up.

01:28:20.000 I guess, man.

01:28:22.000 It always makes it like, this is weird.

01:28:25.000 And then you leave there like, that wasn't a promotion for the show.

01:28:28.000 That was just awkwardness.

01:28:30.000 Yeah, that was really awkward and painful.

01:28:32.000 I don't want anything to do with that again.

01:28:34.000 I don't think a lot of those guys that are doing radio want to be doing it that way either.

01:28:38.000 There's a lot of them that are stuck with a real format they have to follow.

01:28:42.000 That's a bitch, dude.

01:28:43.000 When you're hanging around people and there's shit they can't talk about anymore and there's breaks they have to hit.

01:28:49.000 But that just sounds like people just suck at radio.

01:28:51.000 They do, yeah.

01:28:52.000 Some of them do.

01:28:53.000 Some of them just don't.

01:28:55.000 I think if you just look up one thing on somebody you can be like, what's up with this dude?

01:28:59.000 Well, I think a lot of people are not that interesting.

01:29:02.000 Yeah.

01:29:02.000 That's the reality of it.

01:29:04.000 They shouldn't really be DJs, but they've worked hard at it, and they've pushed themselves into a situation where they're on the radio all the time, and they actually have a little bit of a following, and they get a little bit of an ego behind it, and they think they're special.

01:29:16.000 Yeah.

01:29:18.000 I'd like to buy a book of just like a thousand people doing their stink eye.

01:29:22.000 Like different versions of their stink eye.

01:29:24.000 It would have to be a legit stink eye though.

01:29:27.000 I know.

01:29:27.000 What's your stink eye?

01:29:28.000 Let me see your stink eye.

01:29:28.000 I don't know.

01:29:29.000 You'd have to say something stupid again.

01:29:31.000 I'll give it to you, bitch.

01:29:32.000 How about that?

01:29:33.000 Ready?

01:29:33.000 I shaved my balls the other day and I have a mole and I forgot about it and I cut it off.

01:29:38.000 Is that okay?

01:29:39.000 Yeah, you should probably...

01:29:40.000 You'll be okay.

01:29:41.000 Okay.

01:29:41.000 Moles can be cut off, right?

01:29:43.000 Well, your balls are probably like a fucking water balloon, and that's going to be a hole where all your loads are going to leak out of.

01:29:49.000 Next time you come, it's going to be like dust.

01:29:52.000 It's one of those big, weird ones that some people have under their eyes sometimes.

01:29:56.000 This is, son.

01:29:57.000 Put a Band-Aid on that bitch and don't worry about it.

01:29:59.000 If it starts to swell up and hurt, go to a doctor.

01:30:02.000 Clean it off.

01:30:04.000 I just have the one.

01:30:05.000 It was like one of those ones that stick out a little.

01:30:06.000 That's called a wart.

01:30:07.000 No, no, no.

01:30:08.000 It's a mole.

01:30:09.000 I've had it since I was a little baby.

01:30:11.000 Yeah, you might want to get it free.

01:30:12.000 Look, one in five.

01:30:13.000 It's not really.

01:30:14.000 It's round.

01:30:15.000 Whatever, dog.

01:30:16.000 That's how it is.

01:30:16.000 Get that shit shape.

01:30:17.000 It's gone now.

01:30:18.000 It is.

01:30:18.000 Most of it is gone or the whole thing?

01:30:20.000 I think I cut the whole thing off.

01:30:21.000 Damn, man.

01:30:22.000 That's a commitment.

01:30:23.000 It hurt like crazy.

01:30:24.000 That seems kind of stupid.

01:30:25.000 Did you like halfway cut it off and figure, well, now that I'm here, why not just pick at it until it looks like symmetrical?

01:30:30.000 It was a Gillette sensor.

01:30:31.000 Oh, so it sliced it right off?

01:30:32.000 It sliced it right off.

01:30:34.000 Wow.

01:30:34.000 Did you get Gillette sensors from, did Callan hook you up?

01:30:36.000 Yeah, he gave me a whole trunk full.

01:30:38.000 Did he really?

01:30:39.000 No.

01:30:40.000 Callan's doing a Gillette sensor commercial.

01:30:42.000 I know.

01:30:42.000 It's all over fucking TV. That and Lil' Esther and the Bing commercial.

01:30:45.000 How are Callan's Gillette sensor commercials?

01:30:48.000 Eh, it's just commercial.

01:30:50.000 Like, fake game show.

01:30:51.000 He's like the spokesman.

01:30:51.000 He's like the fake host.

01:30:53.000 Oh, really?

01:30:53.000 Yeah.

01:30:54.000 He's such a talented guy.

01:30:56.000 I'm always confused as to why that guy's not huge.

01:30:58.000 Yeah.

01:30:58.000 As long as I've known him, I'm like, there's going to be one day where someone's going to figure out that Brian Cowan's one of the funniest people on the planet.

01:31:05.000 Yeah.

01:31:05.000 Boom.

01:31:06.000 Explodes.

01:31:06.000 He's going to be on huge movies.

01:31:08.000 Yeah.

01:31:09.000 Well, he is in some of these movies.

01:31:10.000 He has little parts.

01:31:11.000 Right, little parts.

01:31:11.000 Dude, that guy's so fucking funny.

01:31:13.000 He's one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life.

01:31:16.000 Yeah, he's really fucking funny, man.

01:31:19.000 He's thinking about doing a podcast.

01:31:20.000 He's on the cusp right now.

01:31:22.000 Isn't he, Brian?

01:31:23.000 Did you talk to him about it?

01:31:24.000 No, I've never talked to him about it.

01:31:26.000 He's eventually going to do it.

01:31:27.000 I know he is.

01:31:28.000 He's perfect for it.

01:31:29.000 He's got a mountain of information inside of his head.

01:31:32.000 Not all of it correct, but that's alright.

01:31:33.000 Who does?

01:31:34.000 He's fascinating.

01:31:35.000 He'll own up to it, though.

01:31:37.000 He's like, oh yeah, I fucked up about that one.

01:31:39.000 I'll call him on the phone the next day.

01:31:40.000 Yo, I got a lot of Twitters about some shit you said.

01:31:43.000 Yeah, I fucked up a few of those.

01:31:44.000 Oh, but full disclosure, I might have fucked up tons of information.

01:31:47.000 With the Machu Picchu shit?

01:31:48.000 Sure.

01:31:49.000 So don't email me.

01:31:50.000 Don't tell me how wrong I was.

01:31:52.000 You've been up there twice?

01:31:53.000 Three times, yeah.

01:31:54.000 Have you ever been to any of the Mayan sites, like Chichen Itza?

01:31:57.000 No, never.

01:31:58.000 I've only been to Chichen Itza, but that was enough.

01:32:00.000 That was enough to freak me the fuck out.

01:32:02.000 It did, right?

01:32:02.000 What did you think when you first saw that?

01:32:04.000 Well, I've been a huge fan of the Mayan culture and how bizarre they were and how their writing was in this weird sort of hieroglyphic...

01:32:15.000 I mean, so I'd really gotten into it.

01:32:18.000 I read a lot of books about it before I ever went down there.

01:32:20.000 And then once I went down there, I was like, this is so incredible.

01:32:24.000 You know, it's just hard to believe that these people from, you know, X amount of thousands of years ago created this and then it's still here.

01:32:31.000 But the thing that really sealed it for me was I got a guy who was a local professor who was one of the guides.

01:32:38.000 And you paid him.

01:32:39.000 You know, I paid him like whatever it was.

01:32:41.000 I gave him like double what he was supposed to make because he was super cool.

01:32:43.000 And he takes me on this tour, a personal one-on-one tour.

01:32:47.000 And we go to all these different spots, and he explains what they created this for, and what it's designed for.

01:32:54.000 And he took me to this one spot, and he's like, this is the place where they would do the lysergic acid that they would take from all these plants.

01:33:00.000 And this is where they would have psychedelic rituals, and they'd probably eat mushrooms.

01:33:03.000 And he's telling me about all these different things they did.

01:33:06.000 And that's when the whole Mayan thing had pieced together for me, because I had just started doing mushrooms.

01:33:11.000 I'd just had a couple of trips before I'd ever went there.

01:33:14.000 So then when I went there...

01:33:16.000 And I saw that these people were fucking trippers.

01:33:18.000 I'm like, oh, well that explains so much.

01:33:21.000 I was wondering, why would anybody build these crazy geometric patterns that mirror the cosmos and these incredible elaborate stone structures?

01:33:29.000 Like, what was going on?

01:33:30.000 Oh, they were tripping their balls off.

01:33:31.000 Do they tell you that too?

01:33:33.000 He explains you like that.

01:33:34.000 He did.

01:33:34.000 The professor did, yeah.

01:33:36.000 He went into depth about it because I told him that's something I was really interested in.

01:33:39.000 And I said, I'm always fascinated by the different ways that ancient cultures altered their state of consciousness, whether it was alcohol or the peyote for the Indians or whatever.

01:33:48.000 And so he also had a lot of knowledge about that particular area.

01:33:53.000 So he talked to me in depth.

01:33:55.000 About what they believe happened, and this is what they were used for rituals, and certain symbols indicate that they used certain different psychedelic plants and mushrooms.

01:34:05.000 Fucking, of course that's what happened.

01:34:07.000 I mean, you know, they tripped balls, they had some crazy ideas, and then it got a little out of hand.

01:34:13.000 A little out of hand.

01:34:15.000 They always get out of hand, man.

01:34:16.000 Especially those South American fucking cultures.

01:34:19.000 It's too hot down there, dude.

01:34:20.000 People get wacky.

01:34:22.000 Start slicing people open.

01:34:23.000 Yeah, you fucking don't drink enough water.

01:34:25.000 Next thing you know, you're making a human sacrifice.

01:34:27.000 Yeah, that shit's crazy, right?

01:34:28.000 Human sacrifice.

01:34:29.000 They did a lot of it.

01:34:30.000 Like, ritually, yeah.

01:34:31.000 You know, there's speculation about that game that they played.

01:34:35.000 You know, that football game.

01:34:36.000 Which they believed at one point in time they played with human heads.

01:34:39.000 They don't necessarily believe that anymore.

01:34:41.000 They believe they may have played some games with human heads.

01:34:44.000 But they believe that the winners of the game were the ones who got sacrificed.

01:34:49.000 Really?

01:34:49.000 Yeah.

01:34:50.000 They don't know.

01:34:51.000 I mean, there's some speculation.

01:34:52.000 So everyone tried to lose as much as possible?

01:34:54.000 So this was at least...

01:34:55.000 I mean, there's an amazing National Geographic special on decoding Maya.

01:35:00.000 I think it's actually called that decoding Maya about how hard it's been to decode their language and try to figure out what the fuck...

01:35:07.000 You know, these guys we're talking about, it's so complex.

01:35:10.000 But, you know, just that alone, you know, all their structures they left behind, the amazing sophistication of their culture, and yet they're still killing people and sacrificing people.

01:35:25.000 And maybe killing the winners.

01:35:27.000 Yeah.

01:35:28.000 You know, like, what?

01:35:30.000 What?

01:35:30.000 What were you doing?

01:35:31.000 You're the best, man.

01:35:32.000 What were they doing?

01:35:33.000 But in a way that makes sense, right?

01:35:34.000 Yeah, if they were just fucking tripping balls, hardcore, all the time.

01:35:39.000 That's what I think it was.

01:35:40.000 It almost, like, that is what would happen.

01:35:42.000 What would happen to a society if you were just fucking tripping your balls out all the time?

01:35:47.000 Well, you would make these incredible pyramids, and you would keep making them doper and doper, like Chichen Itza.

01:35:52.000 And Chichen Itza is amazing, man.

01:35:54.000 It's just incredible.

01:35:55.000 One structure after another, and you...

01:35:57.000 Mind-blowing shit.

01:35:58.000 And then you would start playing football with human heads.

01:36:01.000 You would just go deep.

01:36:03.000 And you would want to kill people because you would know that they would go to the next place.

01:36:07.000 And the next place would be amazing.

01:36:08.000 Because you've already been there.

01:36:09.000 Because you're tripping balls.

01:36:10.000 So you're tripping balls while you're cutting someone's beating heart out.

01:36:14.000 You're watching them.

01:36:15.000 As you're tripping your balls off, you're watching them transfer into the next dimension.

01:36:19.000 Yeah.

01:36:20.000 Come on.

01:36:20.000 Yeah.

01:36:22.000 Too much mushrooms.

01:36:23.000 That keeps you awake at night, for sure.

01:36:25.000 That's ridiculous.

01:36:26.000 But look, man, if you look at all these different things that are here, the Chichen Itza's, the Gobekli Tepli in Turkey, all these different things that are here that show that there's been all these different ancient civilizations that existed for so long.

01:36:42.000 I wonder how many of them were inspired by drugs.

01:36:45.000 I wonder how many of them were inspired by some dude who picked something up, ate it, and had this fucking crazy, freaky idea...

01:36:51.000 Here's what we gotta do.

01:36:52.000 We're building a city up here in the mountains.

01:36:54.000 We probably lost contact with all that shit.

01:36:57.000 And things are nice and easy now, so we don't need psychedelic drugs to try to figure out the world anymore.

01:37:01.000 At least we don't think we do.

01:37:03.000 That's probably what the fuck's going on.

01:37:04.000 That's probably why this world's falling apart.

01:37:07.000 If we could write it somehow, that would be the way.

01:37:10.000 Just a massive mushroom day.

01:37:13.000 Do you know how much a mushroom day would do for this world?

01:37:17.000 A national mushroom day would change America forever.

01:37:21.000 Forever.

01:37:22.000 We just had one day.

01:37:23.000 If we had a national mushroom day where they opened up places where people could buy mushrooms and they had medical staff waiting 24 hours a day for people who were freaking out and you signed up and you went into these fucking bunk rooms and everyone took it together and everyone was cool and they had security around a lot of people that weren't high.

01:37:43.000 That's the whole thing you want to know, right?

01:37:45.000 It's like you want to be told everything's going to be alright.

01:37:47.000 That would be cool except for like 75% of the population probably suck.

01:37:51.000 A lot of people would freak out.

01:37:53.000 A lot of people would freak out, but my man, the people who didn't freak out would, even if they did freak out, they'd probably learn something from it and everybody would come back with a reinvigorated sense of who we are and how we interface with each other on this planet.

01:38:05.000 No doubt about that.

01:38:06.000 How many times have you done it?

01:38:07.000 Have you done it a lot?

01:38:08.000 Seven?

01:38:09.000 Seven times?

01:38:10.000 Mushrooms?

01:38:11.000 Yeah, DMT and mushrooms, both about the same times.

01:38:14.000 How about you, a lot?

01:38:16.000 Hundreds.

01:38:17.000 Hundreds?

01:38:17.000 I mean, I've been doing it since I was 15. He's the worst poster boy ever for mushrooms, right?

01:38:22.000 This motherfucker.

01:38:23.000 He's just like the Mayans.

01:38:25.000 Do you worship plume serpents?

01:38:27.000 No.

01:38:27.000 No?

01:38:28.000 That's crazy, man.

01:38:29.000 That's a lot.

01:38:29.000 I've never done that.

01:38:30.000 Well, I used to do acid a lot, but then I switched just to mushrooms when I was like 25. It's like I was doing Marlboros, but I went to Marlboro Lights.

01:38:38.000 I switched to just mushrooms, you know.

01:38:40.000 That's how I took my non-reality.

01:38:42.000 Yeah, man.

01:38:43.000 I was thinking about doing it in Montana when I was there last weekend, but then I was like, that'd be a place to do it.

01:38:47.000 Badass, but there's too many.

01:38:48.000 There was people there, by the way, I didn't even tell you about this yet.

01:38:51.000 At the hotel, there was these two guys on motorcycles, and they had this little girl that was four years old, and they were checking in, and I was behind them.

01:38:59.000 So they were riding on a motorcycle with a four-year-old?

01:39:01.000 Yeah, it was weird, man.

01:39:03.000 I guess you could do that, right?

01:39:04.000 If you were in charge of a four-year-old, you could probably take them on a bike.

01:39:07.000 I don't know if that's legal.

01:39:08.000 Yeah, and so they go into the hotel, and they're like, yeah, we need a bedroom.

01:39:11.000 And they're like, how many beds?

01:39:11.000 And they're just like, one.

01:39:13.000 And then I was like, wait, there's two guys and a little girl.

01:39:16.000 And I'm like, okay.

01:39:17.000 Maybe that's all I can afford.

01:39:19.000 No, I mean, beds.

01:39:19.000 I mean, beds.

01:39:20.000 Oh, you could get a...

01:39:21.000 Yeah.

01:39:22.000 Doesn't it cost more money for a room with two beds?

01:39:24.000 Usually, I don't think it does, but whatever.

01:39:26.000 And then later, I saw them again, and they were in the pool.

01:39:29.000 One of the guys was in the pool with the little girl, and he goes...

01:39:32.000 I'm the best uncle ever, right there, daughter?

01:39:35.000 Or dear?

01:39:36.000 And I'm like, is he saying that louder on purposes because I'm walking by or something?

01:39:41.000 Well, you thought he was?

01:39:42.000 It was just really awkward.

01:39:43.000 You thought he was putting on a show?

01:39:44.000 You call him his uncle and then he's really giving her some dick?

01:39:47.000 It was really awkward.

01:39:49.000 Anyway, so then I was like, you know what?

01:39:50.000 I'm not going to eat mushrooms here.

01:39:51.000 I'm just going to...

01:39:52.000 Yeah, I think you need to be really aware of your environment if you want to start fucking around.

01:39:57.000 So if you already have some thoughts going on that are negative or something...

01:40:01.000 Well, I think this is how I would recommend you go about it.

01:40:06.000 Number one...

01:40:07.000 If anybody wants to do anything psychedelic, if you wanted to have a guideline of how to have a psychedelic experience, number one, plan on doing it.

01:40:17.000 That's number one.

01:40:18.000 Say you're going to give yourself X amount of time and then you're going to do it.

01:40:21.000 And in between that, take care of your health.

01:40:23.000 Eat good foods.

01:40:24.000 Don't eat anything fucked up.

01:40:26.000 Fast, fast though.

01:40:27.000 The day you do it, though.

01:40:28.000 Fast the day you do it.

01:40:29.000 But keep your body clean.

01:40:31.000 You'll feel better.

01:40:32.000 Do some yoga.

01:40:33.000 Do some yoga the day before you do any sort of a psychedelic experience.

01:40:37.000 If you can do it for a couple days, a week, for two weeks, and then have the experience, you want to be relaxed.

01:40:43.000 You want to be as calm and as at peace with yourself.

01:40:47.000 And then I would recommend, if you can, get to a tank.

01:40:50.000 Do an isolation tank.

01:40:52.000 Really?

01:40:52.000 Yes.

01:40:52.000 Tripping balls on mushrooms?

01:40:53.000 Because you can find yourself in the tank, and then when you meet yourself when you're on mushrooms, it won't be as shocking.

01:40:59.000 Because you'd already found yourself in the tank.

01:41:01.000 You're like, okay, here I am again.

01:41:03.000 Okay, but this time I'm ready for this, and I'm going to skate through this.

01:41:06.000 I'm going to realize what this is all about.

01:41:07.000 Because in the tank, you can always just stop it.

01:41:09.000 You can't stop the mushroom trip.

01:41:11.000 In the tank, if you're freaking out in the tank, you can just open your eyes, stand up, and get out, and you're sober like that.

01:41:16.000 It's instantaneous.

01:41:19.000 It's a natural psychedelic experience.

01:41:21.000 And your body can snap right back to normal consciousness.

01:41:24.000 So you mean not tripping?

01:41:25.000 Just tank.

01:41:26.000 Just tank.

01:41:27.000 Tank by itself is a trip.

01:41:28.000 You don't need to do anything.

01:41:31.000 Just a little bit.

01:41:32.000 Two hits is all you need.

01:41:33.000 Go in that tank and...

01:41:34.000 Boom!

01:41:34.000 You've done it?

01:41:35.000 You've done the tank, right?

01:41:35.000 No.

01:41:36.000 Never?

01:41:36.000 It's a pussy, bro.

01:41:37.000 You don't want to?

01:41:37.000 It's a pussy.

01:41:38.000 He's got no balls.

01:41:39.000 You don't want to try that?

01:41:40.000 Cut his balls with a razor.

01:41:41.000 They're drained out.

01:41:42.000 Honestly, to me, it seems like I would probably enjoy it, but I get the idea in my head, and I'm like, yeah, I'm sure it'll be relaxing and nice.

01:41:50.000 I've talked about it too much, and now it's fucked, and he'll never be able to go into it, because he gets in there and he'll just be thinking about me talking about it.

01:41:57.000 Yeah, his head will pop in my face, and I'll go through a tunnel.

01:42:01.000 Come with me!

01:42:02.000 I do want to try that.

01:42:03.000 I'll try that.

01:42:05.000 You should have tried it a long time ago.

01:42:06.000 You should definitely try it.

01:42:07.000 Then, once you do that, then you're prepared.

01:42:10.000 Then you're going to prepare yourself.

01:42:11.000 Have a couple tank experiences.

01:42:13.000 Then jump into the wonderful world of mushrooms.

01:42:15.000 But not until then.

01:42:17.000 Prepare yourself.

01:42:17.000 And that's the problem, man.

01:42:19.000 That's the problem with it being illegal.

01:42:20.000 If that shit was legal, we could open up centers and we could fix people.

01:42:24.000 We could help a lot of people.

01:42:26.000 Not we.

01:42:26.000 Not me.

01:42:27.000 I'm not opening up shit.

01:42:27.000 Don't ask me.

01:42:28.000 No, I'm not joining your business.

01:42:30.000 No.

01:42:30.000 No, not a limited LLC. No, no, I ain't got no time.

01:42:34.000 I mean we as in the human race.

01:42:36.000 There was a lot of shrooms, I think.

01:42:37.000 I was in Asheville, North Carolina.

01:42:39.000 Ooh, there's a lot of shrooms up there.

01:42:40.000 A lot of shrooms there.

01:42:41.000 That's a good place for shrooming.

01:42:43.000 Yeah, man.

01:42:44.000 I did the Asheville Comedy Festival this past weekend.

01:42:48.000 Oh, this past weekend?

01:42:49.000 This past weekend.

01:42:50.000 Really?

01:42:50.000 I didn't even know they had a comedy show.

01:42:52.000 Who were you up there with?

01:42:53.000 It was called Laugh Your Asheville Off is the name of the festival.

01:42:57.000 It's a clever play on words.

01:42:58.000 By the way, I'm taking my alpha brainwave formula right now.

01:43:01.000 You got vitamins, man.

01:43:02.000 I take three.

01:43:03.000 These are our brain pills.

01:43:05.000 They're a super brain pill.

01:43:07.000 I didn't take them earlier.

01:43:08.000 That's why I sound so stupid.

01:43:09.000 By the way, Chris is coming into town next month.

01:43:12.000 He's not Chris anymore.

01:43:12.000 I know.

01:43:13.000 He changed his name to Aubrey.

01:43:15.000 Who?

01:43:15.000 What?

01:43:16.000 We're going to show you positive and negative examples of drugs.

01:43:18.000 I'm a much nicer person because of drugs.

01:43:20.000 Me, I'm much nicer, much more introspective.

01:43:22.000 But, you know, Brian's done mushrooms a hundred times.

01:43:24.000 I listen to him talk.

01:43:25.000 And then you've got our friend Chris who changed his name to Aubrey.

01:43:28.000 After he had some ayahuasca experiences.

01:43:30.000 Seriously?

01:43:31.000 Yeah.

01:43:32.000 My man went, deep.

01:43:34.000 Deep, deep, deep into the jungles of the mind to the point where he wanted to stop being the person who he was.

01:43:39.000 So he changed his fucking name.

01:43:40.000 Shazam.

01:43:42.000 The alpha brain formula is coming out soon.

01:43:45.000 Did he send you the pictures?

01:43:47.000 It looks like they end up hangover credits.

01:43:50.000 Don't say that.

01:43:50.000 What is that?

01:43:51.000 This is my shit that we're going to be selling.

01:43:54.000 It's Nootropics.

01:43:57.000 We're done with this.

01:43:58.000 He's coming the end of July.

01:44:00.000 End of July, early August.

01:44:01.000 And then we're going to...

01:44:02.000 It'll launch right after that.

01:44:04.000 What it is, it's basically the highest level brain nutrients that we can find.

01:44:08.000 Mix them all together.

01:44:09.000 And Chris, excuse me, Aubrey, worked very hard on this formula and tweaked it.

01:44:15.000 And, you know, it's basically all the information is available online.

01:44:17.000 And all this stuff is available.

01:44:19.000 It's good for you.

01:44:20.000 We don't have anything...

01:44:21.000 There's nothing in here that you can't buy individually.

01:44:23.000 So, I mean, if you can't afford this or if, you know, you want to try it yourself, you can always just find out what the ingredients are and go replicate it yourself.

01:44:30.000 But...

01:44:30.000 What we've done is we've put it all together into one pill form, and you take it, and it does something.

01:44:36.000 I don't know exactly what you could say it does, but it makes you feel sharper.

01:44:40.000 Really?

01:44:40.000 It makes your brain fire better.

01:44:42.000 Oh, for sure.

01:44:42.000 It makes me feel less tired when I have jet lag.

01:44:46.000 When I check into hotels, I take three of them as soon as I land, and I always feel much better.

01:44:51.000 I feel much more relaxed when I wake up.

01:44:54.000 It's weird, dude.

01:44:55.000 My dreams are insane.

01:44:57.000 That's why I had my Arnold Schwarzenegger dream.

01:44:59.000 You take this too?

01:45:00.000 Yeah.

01:45:01.000 I don't know what revision that one is.

01:45:03.000 This is the newest of the newest.

01:45:04.000 Okay, yeah.

01:45:04.000 I'm on the...

01:45:05.000 I had the first revision.

01:45:06.000 Dude, stuff is amazing.

01:45:08.000 What's it called again?

01:45:09.000 Well, we have...

01:45:10.000 Let me see what we're calling it right now.

01:45:11.000 It's Alpha.

01:45:12.000 He's calling it Alpha.

01:45:13.000 But it's on Onnit Labs.

01:45:15.000 It's Onnit.com.

01:45:16.000 Onnit.com or Onnit Labs.

01:45:18.000 Is it Onnit Labs?

01:45:19.000 Yeah, I think it's just Onnit.com, maybe.

01:45:21.000 Hold on.

01:45:22.000 But they also make a product called Roll On and Roll Off.

01:45:24.000 When I do shrooms, I do Roll On before I do shrooms, and then the next day I do Roll On.

01:45:29.000 Yeah, to balance out your neurochemistry.

01:45:32.000 Yeah, it's Onnit.com.

01:45:34.000 Balance out your fucking brain juice.

01:45:36.000 Yeah.

01:45:37.000 So...

01:45:39.000 I think we just crashed this server.

01:45:41.000 Did we?

01:45:42.000 Yeah.

01:45:43.000 Shit.

01:45:45.000 Oh, but Asheville.

01:45:46.000 Back to Asheville.

01:45:47.000 Great.

01:45:48.000 It's a really cool festival because it's smaller than like...

01:45:54.000 The big festivals are just...

01:45:55.000 They're fun.

01:45:56.000 They're really well...

01:45:57.000 Run, but they're massive.

01:45:59.000 You know, they're massive.

01:46:00.000 Right.

01:46:01.000 Huge things where it's like, you know, there's countless shows going on and everything is like, you almost lose kind of, you know, sense of where you are and like, where am I supposed to be?

01:46:12.000 Right, right, right.

01:46:13.000 And this is small enough.

01:46:14.000 It's the fifth year they did it.

01:46:15.000 Have you been to Montreal?

01:46:16.000 That's the biggest one, right?

01:46:17.000 Yeah, well, I did Melbourne a few months ago.

01:46:19.000 Is that bigger?

01:46:20.000 That is, I think so.

01:46:21.000 Really?

01:46:21.000 It's huge.

01:46:23.000 Huge.

01:46:24.000 I heard that a lot of the international guys are really bad.

01:46:29.000 I mean, I didn't see that many shows.

01:46:31.000 I saw, like, because I was doing shows, so I was like, you know, we check out some shows.

01:46:35.000 I didn't even hear that.

01:46:36.000 I'm just talking shit.

01:46:37.000 Oh, you really?

01:46:38.000 I just wanted to see if you could talk some shit.

01:46:42.000 Trying to pull you into a shit target.

01:46:43.000 Fuck, man!

01:46:44.000 I always root for people in other countries to be hilarious.

01:46:47.000 Yeah, no, I saw some really funny...

01:46:48.000 I saw this Irish dude, fuck, I forget his name, who was hilarious.

01:46:53.000 Really?

01:46:53.000 He didn't put on a traditional stand-up show.

01:46:54.000 It was more like, you know, a performance.

01:46:57.000 Right.

01:46:58.000 Like, in what sense?

01:46:59.000 Just that, like, he brought people on stage and he would do shit, but he was just genuinely funny, like a funny guy.

01:47:04.000 And, like, you know, like he...

01:47:06.000 Like music cues would come on, he'd fucking...

01:47:09.000 Scottish seemed to have a good sense of humor.

01:47:11.000 Great sense of humor, yeah.

01:47:12.000 Like that Billy Connolly guy.

01:47:13.000 He's a solid stand-up.

01:47:15.000 Australians were...

01:47:16.000 They were all...

01:47:17.000 The crowds were great.

01:47:19.000 Everybody was great.

01:47:19.000 Do you ever feel like English comics get extra props because of their accent?

01:47:23.000 Like there's certain dudes that get extra credit?

01:47:26.000 Yeah.

01:47:26.000 Sure.

01:47:27.000 And I also feel like they give themselves extra credit for being clever.

01:47:31.000 They'll kind of be like, you didn't get that dumb shit?

01:47:34.000 Well, that was a fucking brilliant thing that I just said.

01:47:36.000 I like Stuart Lee.

01:47:37.000 Do you know who he is?

01:47:38.000 The English guy?

01:47:39.000 No.

01:47:39.000 Some interesting stuff.

01:47:41.000 Really?

01:47:41.000 Very funny stuff.

01:47:42.000 Yeah.

01:47:42.000 But I always wonder, how would that translate in America?

01:47:45.000 Because he has this really slow style that sort of depends on everyone paying attention and everyone being polite.

01:47:53.000 There's more of that.

01:47:54.000 In the audiences, definitely in Australia, at least at these festival shows, where you get a very polite listening audience.

01:48:03.000 England's very polite.

01:48:05.000 Even the rowdy people in England are polite.

01:48:09.000 I've had some shows where people are yelling out crazy shit, but they were polite in how they were doing it.

01:48:14.000 Yeah.

01:48:14.000 You know?

01:48:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:48:15.000 I'm doing Birmingham.

01:48:16.000 You should go home, Yank, please.

01:48:18.000 They weren't that bad.

01:48:19.000 No one was being mean.

01:48:20.000 They were just yelling shit out.

01:48:21.000 But I'm doing Birmingham.

01:48:22.000 Just trying to figure out the date.

01:48:23.000 So I'm going to do it with Doug Benson.

01:48:25.000 And yeah, there's a UFC in Birmingham.

01:48:27.000 So we're going to book something.

01:48:29.000 In England.

01:48:29.000 In England, yeah, in November.

01:48:31.000 I did that.

01:48:31.000 I did Birmingham with Russell Peters.

01:48:33.000 Yeah, Birmingham's awesome.

01:48:34.000 Yeah.

01:48:35.000 I did that a while ago.

01:48:36.000 That was his tune-up show.

01:48:37.000 Yeah?

01:48:38.000 For 7,500 people.

01:48:40.000 His tune-up show?

01:48:40.000 That was the warm-up for the arena.

01:48:42.000 Did you do the O2 arena with him?

01:48:44.000 Yeah.

01:48:45.000 Wow.

01:48:45.000 Holy shit.

01:48:45.000 Yeah.

01:48:46.000 Wow.

01:48:47.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:48:47.000 We warmed up for 7,500 people.

01:48:49.000 Russell Peters is the biggest stand-up comic in the world, and people don't even realize that.

01:48:53.000 They don't even realize it.

01:48:54.000 I know a lot of people that have no idea who he is, and it's crazy to me.

01:48:57.000 I'm like, you don't know who Russell Peters is.

01:48:59.000 You've never heard that name?

01:49:01.000 You go to another country and you say that name, or you put his name on the Staples Center or whatever, it'll fucking sell out.

01:49:09.000 18,000 seats will sell out.

01:49:11.000 Dude, did I tell you?

01:49:12.000 I told somebody that his audience at O2 especially was like, He's packed the O2 arena to tell jokes, right?

01:49:22.000 Right.

01:49:22.000 And you do like 20 minutes, and the set goes well, and you get laughs, and you're like, this is amazing.

01:49:29.000 You finish, and they give you like a nice applaud.

01:49:31.000 And then you think you have a gauge for how loud that's going to be.

01:49:36.000 You know what I mean?

01:49:36.000 Like when you're in a club, and you hit a punchline, you're like, wow.

01:49:40.000 And then if you really kill, you're like, so that's how it can get loud.

01:49:44.000 And you gauge how loud that is.

01:49:46.000 I thought that because I had gotten laughs during my set, like, well, that's what it'll sound like.

01:49:51.000 Man, when they said...

01:49:53.000 He had an intro to him coming on stage, and the intro was pre-recorded by Michael Buffer, the ring announcer, and he does a whole build-up.

01:50:05.000 That place fucking exploded.

01:50:07.000 They were like, the Beatles are alive, and they're here, and you guys are going to see them for one show only.

01:50:13.000 Yeah.

01:50:13.000 Screaming that made all the hair on your neck stand up goosebumps and you're like, like you crouched because the noise is overwhelming.

01:50:21.000 It was like they said, fucking Jesus has walked into the building.

01:50:26.000 I'm going to ask Bruce Buffer to introduce me on my next special.

01:50:28.000 How tight is that?

01:50:29.000 I feel like I've got to have Joey Diaz do it because Joey Diaz has done every one that I've ever done.

01:50:34.000 Everything that I've ever done except for my Houston CD that I recorded in 99, Joey Diaz has introduced me to.

01:50:41.000 It doesn't get much better than that.

01:50:42.000 I bypassed the Comedy Works in Denver.

01:50:45.000 I love ya, but you won't put Joey Diaz on the menu.

01:50:48.000 What?

01:50:48.000 So I'm doing a theater in...

01:50:51.000 What am I doing?

01:50:53.000 Just put it up today.

01:50:54.000 It's on your website and Twitter right now.

01:50:56.000 It's not on Ustream, son.

01:50:59.000 We're doing a theater in...

01:51:02.000 Denver, Colorado.

01:51:03.000 The Paramount Theater.

01:51:04.000 And Joey Diaz can finally do it.

01:51:07.000 Every time I've gone to the Comedy Works in Denver, Joey can't work the Comedy Works.

01:51:12.000 He had some sort of a disagreement with somebody back in the day.

01:51:15.000 Unfortunately.

01:51:16.000 That sucks.

01:51:17.000 I know.

01:51:18.000 I hid my weed at the...

01:51:19.000 Comedy Works.

01:51:20.000 We could always go back.

01:51:21.000 Okay, can we go back just for like two minutes?

01:51:23.000 Yeah, we could do a set, maybe a late night set on Saturday night.

01:51:25.000 That's possible, too.

01:51:26.000 I'll be there in a couple weeks.

01:51:27.000 I'll grab it for you.

01:51:27.000 No, I won't be at that club.

01:51:29.000 I'll be in a different club.

01:51:30.000 I'll be at the Denver Improv, but I'll go over there and grab you.

01:51:32.000 I'll find out who's there.

01:51:33.000 No one's going to the Comedy Works.

01:51:35.000 923 Denver Comedy Works.

01:51:36.000 We could find out who's there, and if they're cool, we can hang with them.

01:51:38.000 Yeah, that'd be cool.

01:51:39.000 When do you guys go?

01:51:41.000 The Denver one is going to be in September 23rd.

01:51:48.000 Okay.

01:51:49.000 Should be fun.

01:51:50.000 Denver's fucking awesome.

01:51:51.000 But I'm going to get nostalgic.

01:51:52.000 I'm going to want to move there again.

01:51:54.000 Then I'm going to start getting apocalyptic.

01:51:56.000 Fucking worry about stocking up on water and shit and hunting elk.

01:52:00.000 That's what happens, bro.

01:52:01.000 That was a crazy place.

01:52:02.000 I saw your place.

01:52:03.000 Yeah, you went up there with me.

01:52:04.000 Yeah, that was crazy, man.

01:52:05.000 Did you think I was crazy for moving there?

01:52:07.000 No.

01:52:07.000 What did you think when you went up there, though?

01:52:09.000 It had to be a weird...

01:52:10.000 I mean, when someone says, hey, come on, I'm going to take you on a ride to the top of a mountain down a dirt road, and this is where I'm going to sleep with my kids at night.

01:52:16.000 I thought, like, my real reaction was, this is awesome.

01:52:20.000 I wish I was in a position that I could do something like this.

01:52:22.000 That was my genuine...

01:52:23.000 I didn't see it as, like, what the fuck is he doing?

01:52:25.000 I was like, oh man, I wish I could fucking do this too.

01:52:28.000 That was honestly how I felt.

01:52:29.000 There's two types of people.

01:52:30.000 There's people that thought that way, like me, and then there's people that thought, like, what the fuck are you doing?

01:52:34.000 No, I thought it was really cool.

01:52:35.000 But I'm also, like...

01:52:37.000 Kind of antisocial, like personally.

01:52:41.000 I like kind of isolation and privacy.

01:52:44.000 Well, I think the move is you've got to have both.

01:52:48.000 And I think one of the reasons why a guy like you or a guy like I might want to have some peace and quiet alone is because performing can be kind of overwhelming sometimes.

01:52:58.000 Being in front of giant groups of people requires this...

01:53:02.000 Intense amount of energy and concentration.

01:53:05.000 And then, you know, there's also like meet and greets, you know, after shows where it's like, you know, I want to say hi to everybody.

01:53:11.000 But then, I want nothing.

01:53:13.000 Yeah.

01:53:14.000 I want complete quiet.

01:53:15.000 And I like just to sit on a fucking tree, you know, a fallen tree and look over at a lake and fucking go fishing.

01:53:22.000 Love it.

01:53:22.000 I don't want to hear shit, man.

01:53:24.000 I don't want to answer questions about when is Anderson Silva going to fight fucking this guy.

01:53:28.000 Yeah, he just...

01:53:29.000 I don't want to hear shit, dude.

01:53:30.000 I just want to watch the water ripple.

01:53:32.000 I want to recharge.

01:53:34.000 I want to relax.

01:53:35.000 I get that.

01:53:36.000 Because my wife's a comic, too.

01:53:38.000 We turn down social invitations almost 100% of the time.

01:53:42.000 Wow.

01:53:43.000 Because we both perform...

01:53:45.000 When we get home, we're like, this is awesome.

01:53:47.000 We're just going to sit here on the couch.

01:53:48.000 This is great.

01:53:49.000 And then people are like, no, but this thing is going to be awesome.

01:53:51.000 And we're like, yeah, but I don't want to go.

01:53:52.000 Yeah, I'm the same way.

01:53:53.000 I don't want to go at all.

01:53:54.000 Your house reminded me of something you would see on a Trapper Keeper.

01:53:59.000 I remember how amazing the photos.

01:54:01.000 I never got to see it, but the photos you've seen, I was like, Jesus.

01:54:04.000 Dude, his place was amazing.

01:54:06.000 It was a trip, dude.

01:54:06.000 It was amazing.

01:54:07.000 The view was incredible.

01:54:09.000 Anna Head, there was that walk that we went on, and that lady, she was such a cool lady that owned the place.

01:54:16.000 I really liked that lady.

01:54:17.000 She was awesome.

01:54:18.000 And she was really into yoga.

01:54:21.000 And then she was like, here I stand.

01:54:22.000 And the sun hit it.

01:54:23.000 She had a wooden thing, and she was like, I just sit here, and you have to give thanks.

01:54:28.000 But I wasn't all into necessarily doing that, but I loved being able to walk out there, stand on the side of a mountain.

01:54:35.000 It's awesome.

01:54:36.000 You just stand at trees.

01:54:37.000 It's amazing.

01:54:37.000 It's so cool.

01:54:39.000 That's where people are supposed to be.

01:54:41.000 You're supposed to, at some point in time, be there and relax and kind of look at it and reset your perspective when you enter into the hive again.

01:54:48.000 When you're in the hive, like we're in the hive right now, even though we're kind of relaxed up here and it's kind of quiet where I live, there's still millions of people in this area.

01:54:58.000 Whether or not you realize it, you're feeling that.

01:55:02.000 You're hearing cars move.

01:55:04.000 That has an impact on you.

01:55:07.000 Yeah, you're breathing it for sure.

01:55:08.000 That has a big impact.

01:55:09.000 And one of the things that I learned from that fucking isolation tank is that the more you can remove, the more you can see things clearer.

01:55:18.000 And removing things and distractions and bad things from your environment, when you have all these things in your environment and they're just there all the time, you don't ever think of removing them.

01:55:28.000 People who live in New York City, they love it.

01:55:29.000 I love the action.

01:55:30.000 I love the sound.

01:55:31.000 I love this city.

01:55:32.000 It's an amazing city.

01:55:33.000 You don't realize that city is bombarding you with sensory input, bombarding you with information that you have to process all the time.

01:55:40.000 Some people enjoy that and it actually keeps them going.

01:55:43.000 But to really get a fresh sense of who you are and what life is, and just look at it at a one degree different angle.

01:55:53.000 Just get to the woods, man.

01:55:55.000 Get to the shore.

01:55:56.000 Walk along the ocean.

01:55:57.000 Stare out at that never-ending water.

01:56:00.000 You need some form of visible nature to humble yourself.

01:56:05.000 And in California, that's one of the reasons why people are such fucking twats.

01:56:08.000 There's no weather you have to deal with ever.

01:56:10.000 It's just beautiful out here all the time.

01:56:12.000 It's sunny.

01:56:13.000 It fucking hardly ever rains.

01:56:14.000 When it does, it rains for a day.

01:56:16.000 It might rain 10 days a year.

01:56:18.000 What's the most?

01:56:20.000 20?

01:56:20.000 20 out of 365?

01:56:22.000 It doesn't fucking rain very often, man.

01:56:23.000 We don't have to deal with wind.

01:56:25.000 We don't have to deal with shit.

01:56:26.000 Occasionally, something lights on fire.

01:56:28.000 But that's why people are such cunts out here.

01:56:32.000 face.

01:56:32.000 You need a thunderstorm, man.

01:56:34.000 You need something like that to really put it in perspective.

01:56:37.000 Man, I need to be a little more humble about my position here.

01:56:41.000 I'm just a little tiny little organism clinging to this giant thing hurling through the galaxy.

01:56:48.000 And the best way, in my opinion, to feel that is to be somewhere Just interact with the earth.

01:56:55.000 Somewhere where you can see a fucking forest.

01:56:58.000 Somewhere where you can see the ocean and see the fucking water that goes on as far as you can see.

01:57:04.000 It's water!

01:57:05.000 It's deep as fuck!

01:57:06.000 And all it has to do is the earth moves and then a wave a hundred feet high comes flying at you 50 miles an hour and fucking jacks you.

01:57:14.000 You know, it's...

01:57:15.000 It changes the way you feel.

01:57:17.000 Fuck yeah, it does.

01:57:18.000 I went to Sun Valley, Idaho this winter.

01:57:21.000 That was amazing, man.

01:57:22.000 Oh yeah, that's gorgeous, man.

01:57:23.000 Oh my god.

01:57:24.000 That whole area up there with the lakes, like Coeur d'Alene and all that.

01:57:29.000 And then there's these beautiful mountains covered in snow, and then there's huge trees, and you just go...

01:57:34.000 Holy shit.

01:57:35.000 Yeah, just everything's just like...

01:57:36.000 Yeah, it changes the whole...

01:57:37.000 Yeah.

01:57:37.000 Your fucking whole physical being, like, tunes into it, you know?

01:57:41.000 Yeah, and then you go...

01:57:42.000 You relax more.

01:57:43.000 I wish I could have a house here.

01:57:44.000 That's the next thought you have.

01:57:45.000 Yeah.

01:57:45.000 I wish I could fucking have a house here.

01:57:46.000 Yeah, we have some friends that keep a summer house on the lake out there.

01:57:51.000 Holy shit.

01:57:51.000 And they're always talking about how amazing...

01:57:52.000 And they're in the clothing business, so they're, like, real, you know, hustle-bustle, real...

01:57:57.000 Always constantly on the go, and then they go there and just...

01:58:01.000 Imagine decompressing.

01:58:02.000 Imagine doing like a crazy tour.

01:58:04.000 Yeah.

01:58:04.000 Where you just do like 60 cities and then you get done and you're like, I want to go sit on the lake.

01:58:08.000 The husband's done.

01:58:09.000 He wants to move up there.

01:58:11.000 He's like, fuck this fucking crazy town.

01:58:12.000 He wants to move up there.

01:58:13.000 Yeah?

01:58:14.000 Yeah.

01:58:14.000 Yeah, but they have this giant business.

01:58:16.000 They make like shitloads of money selling clothes.

01:58:18.000 So they really can't just abandon everything.

01:58:21.000 They have like a high lifestyle to support.

01:58:23.000 Yeah.

01:58:23.000 But meanwhile, they just want to just relax by the water, man.

01:58:26.000 Yeah.

01:58:27.000 Everybody wants that fucking feeling of retiring somewhere, but you don't realize that that is very close to death.

01:58:34.000 You've kind of based, at least a lot of people have, who they are on what they do, what they do for a living, what they do for work, how they interact with people and feel useful.

01:58:43.000 And as soon as you slide away from that and just stay by yourself, it takes a very different mindset to enjoy that without starting to get depressed and start feeling that you're dying and it's the end of the line for you.

01:58:54.000 Yeah.

01:58:55.000 Yeah, because it really is putting the brakes on when you move somewhere, right?

01:58:59.000 But maybe you're opening up to something else.

01:59:01.000 Because instead of your drive being for accomplishing more work, maybe you're just becoming a different type of person.

01:59:09.000 You're still doing some type of work, I'm saying.

01:59:11.000 But you're putting work into yourself more.

01:59:13.000 Well, if you could figure out how to Hunter S. Thompson and how to just live up there and then travel in whenever you wanted and then interact with the people and then head back out to your shelter.

01:59:21.000 Where would he live?

01:59:22.000 He lived in Woody Creek, Colorado.

01:59:25.000 It was near Aspen.

01:59:27.000 Really more remote even sort of than I was living because Aspen's trickier to get to.

01:59:33.000 You fly right into Denver, you drive an hour, you're in Boulder, you drive 20 minutes, you're in the mountains.

01:59:37.000 It's that easy.

01:59:39.000 It's literally you're an hour and 20 minutes from your car to where I lived.

01:59:43.000 That's not hard at all.

01:59:44.000 And you're in the fucking woods.

01:59:47.000 Where he was is a lot more difficult.

01:59:49.000 You had to fly in to Aspen and Aspen's like a little tiny ass air point.

01:59:55.000 It's not a good one either.

01:59:56.000 It's a funky one because it's nestled in between mountains and sometimes people crash.

02:00:01.000 They reroute you all the time too.

02:00:03.000 They rerouted us when we did the Aspen Comedy Festival.

02:00:06.000 They said the winds are too high and there's too much snow and we don't want to slam into a fucking mountain that we can't see.

02:00:11.000 We don't have to worry about that.

02:00:12.000 They did Christina this year when she went there.

02:00:14.000 I did that for Sun Valley.

02:00:17.000 They were like, the airport's not working.

02:00:18.000 Yeah.

02:00:19.000 Fuck.

02:00:19.000 Get on the bus.

02:00:20.000 Yeah.

02:00:21.000 The wind gets wacky up there, man.

02:00:23.000 I knew a dude who lost his friends.

02:00:25.000 They were in a private jet and they were headed out to Aspen.

02:00:28.000 There were high rollers in the movie business.

02:00:30.000 Damn.

02:00:30.000 These guys were like super ballers and they fucking were making millions and slammed into a mountain.

02:00:36.000 Isn't that the worst?

02:00:37.000 That you had, like, if you were to get, like, a It seems like the worst thing is crashing in a private jet.

02:00:42.000 You're like, let's do the fucking private jet shit, man.

02:00:44.000 And you're putting up crazy money to fly luxury, and then your fucking private jet crashes.

02:00:51.000 You're like, I paid 60 grand for this flight, and it crashed into the fucking mountain.

02:00:55.000 Yeah, a private jet is the ultimate ridiculous indulgence.

02:00:58.000 What does it cost to fly to Vegas?

02:01:00.000 It costs like...

02:01:01.000 If you want to go first class, it's like $1,000 or $2,000 at the most.

02:01:05.000 Yeah, I would think more than $1,000 because it's a pretty short flight.

02:01:08.000 That's the most expensive that you can pay for.

02:01:09.000 And if you wanted to go coach, it's like a couple hundred bucks, right?

02:01:12.000 Yeah.

02:01:13.000 You can go southwest for like $150 or something.

02:01:16.000 Or you could spend $15,000 and go in a private jet.

02:01:22.000 Yeah.

02:01:22.000 Whoa!

02:01:23.000 And then there's all the different classifications of jets.

02:01:27.000 Yeah.

02:01:27.000 Small jet.

02:01:28.000 Right.

02:01:28.000 Mid-sized jet.

02:01:29.000 How about propeller planes?

02:01:31.000 Propeller planes.

02:01:32.000 Really luxurious propeller planes.

02:01:34.000 We got you a nice Cessna.

02:01:35.000 Live like your fucking Ernest Hemingway.

02:01:37.000 Right.

02:01:37.000 Flying a Cubo.

02:01:39.000 Then the ultimate craziest status is what Oprah has, which is a Boeing business jet.

02:01:47.000 So it's actually a converted 747 or 777. Is that what she has?

02:01:52.000 Yeah, where they strip out the entire fucking office.

02:01:55.000 The 60 rows.

02:01:56.000 And they have...

02:01:57.000 Like Air Force One style.

02:01:58.000 Yeah.

02:01:58.000 Like entertainment area, bedroom.

02:02:00.000 God damn.

02:02:01.000 That's what Oprah has?

02:02:02.000 Yeah.

02:02:02.000 Joe, have you ever been to the Ronald Reagan Museum up in Calabasas?

02:02:06.000 No, I've never been there.

02:02:07.000 You should go there.

02:02:08.000 Get really baked and go to the Ronald Reagan Museum.

02:02:10.000 They have an Air Force One there, and it's so amazing walking through this.

02:02:13.000 Where is it?

02:02:14.000 It's like in Calabasas, Thousand Oaks, somewhere around there.

02:02:18.000 Okay, yeah, it's out north.

02:02:20.000 Is it, do they actually have a plane that you can step into?

02:02:23.000 Like it's outside?

02:02:23.000 Oh yeah, yeah, it's a real Air Force One.

02:02:25.000 It's inside a warehouse and you get to walk through the whole thing and they put like little, it was Ronald Reagan's, and they put like little jelly beans, you know, on his desk because he liked jelly beans.

02:02:35.000 Does it have one of those little escape pods?

02:02:38.000 Where you climb in it, and then they hit the parachute, and the plane falls apart, and he escapes.

02:02:43.000 I can't remember, but it was Pimp.

02:02:44.000 Did they have those?

02:02:45.000 The what?

02:02:46.000 I'm sorry?

02:02:46.000 You weren't even paying attention.

02:02:47.000 I was reading.

02:02:47.000 That was like Star Wars.

02:02:49.000 No, that wasn't.

02:02:49.000 I was reading.

02:02:50.000 Remember how, I know at least in some movies, Air Force One had an escape pod, the president climbing the pod, and a parachute would deploy, or a jet.

02:03:01.000 I think that was Star Wars.

02:03:02.000 Is that bullshit?

02:03:03.000 I think that's bullshit.

02:03:04.000 So if the plane crashes, he's fucked.

02:03:06.000 Yeah.

02:03:06.000 They can't save the president.

02:03:07.000 Right.

02:03:08.000 The 787, I believe.

02:03:10.000 People would get mad.

02:03:11.000 They'd go, why can't you save the president?

02:03:12.000 You can't save my little Billy.

02:03:13.000 I always wonder why they couldn't have fucking parachutes at the last resort somewhere on the plane just in case there's a hole.

02:03:20.000 My friend Johnny B said it past.

02:03:21.000 He goes, why can't they have a parachute for the whole fucking plane?

02:03:25.000 That's what he said.

02:03:26.000 It's high as fuck.

02:03:26.000 How about this, bro?

02:03:27.000 How about this, bro?

02:03:28.000 I can fucking solve airplane crashes.

02:03:30.000 What happens?

02:03:30.000 Plane breaks in the sky.

02:03:31.000 Oh, you got a parachute.

02:03:33.000 He just drifts to the ground.

02:03:35.000 Why can't they do that?

02:03:36.000 Yeah.

02:03:37.000 He goes, what does it cost?

02:03:38.000 How much is a fucking parachute?

02:03:39.000 You cheap pricks.

02:03:41.000 You can't even afford a fucking parachute.

02:03:43.000 It makes so much sense, doesn't it?

02:03:44.000 No, it doesn't make sense.

02:03:45.000 It doesn't make sense at all.

02:03:46.000 Because the weight of the parachute combined with the weight of the fucking plane, you'd probably run out of gas halfway to Idaho.

02:03:52.000 The shit would fall apart.

02:03:53.000 It'd be all out of whack.

02:03:55.000 Dude, the Boeing business jets range in costs from $47 million to $310 million.

02:04:00.000 Cut to you!

02:04:01.000 And you know she didn't get the cheap one.

02:04:03.000 Hell no.

02:04:03.000 Oprah's a baller, son.

02:04:05.000 She's got Bluetooth.

02:04:05.000 Right now she's got ladies around her all the time filing her nails.

02:04:09.000 One on each toe.

02:04:10.000 They're all white girls, too.

02:04:11.000 All white girls under 120 pounds.

02:04:13.000 That's all she asks for.

02:04:14.000 I want only white workers 120 pounds or lighter.

02:04:18.000 Skinny girls.

02:04:19.000 Pick a toe.

02:04:20.000 And that's what she wants.

02:04:21.000 The skinniest, prettiest girls to clean her toes and feet.

02:04:24.000 Coconut butter on her elbows.

02:04:26.000 While she talks about her fucking $300 million jet that she's converted into a disco.

02:04:32.000 It's fucking nuts, right?

02:04:34.000 Do you think Oprah's gay?

02:04:35.000 Do I? No.

02:04:36.000 Yes.

02:04:37.000 You don't?

02:04:37.000 Really?

02:04:38.000 You don't consider it at all?

02:04:39.000 That's the rumor, right?

02:04:40.000 Is that she's gay for that Gail chick?

02:04:42.000 For Gail, I think she's more asexual and just a power-hungry egomaniac.

02:04:48.000 Really?

02:04:49.000 Yeah, totally.

02:04:50.000 You don't think she hires chicks to come over and eat her box?

02:04:52.000 No.

02:04:52.000 She might.

02:04:53.000 I don't know.

02:04:54.000 She might.

02:04:55.000 How much do you think that would cost?

02:04:56.000 Just say yes.

02:04:56.000 How much do you pay a girl to come over and eat Oprah's box?

02:05:04.000 I think she probably has a flat rate.

02:05:06.000 I mean, she's like, listen, you know, you can work at Wendy's.

02:05:09.000 They don't pay much.

02:05:10.000 Or you can eat my box.

02:05:11.000 $1,500.

02:05:12.000 10 G's?

02:05:13.000 Sure.

02:05:13.000 Think about 10 G's and pop.

02:05:15.000 10 G's for a 20-minute session.

02:05:17.000 Yeah.

02:05:17.000 And that girl, that's all she does.

02:05:19.000 And she just works for Oprah every couple of days.

02:05:21.000 But she has, like, a little thing that she's like, I'll give you a little extra if you make the pussy pop.

02:05:24.000 Like, she has, like, a little tag on it for her.

02:05:28.000 And the girl's like, what's that mean?

02:05:28.000 Do you think Oprah calls it a pussy?

02:05:30.000 Yanking, yanking, for sure.

02:05:31.000 Do you think she calls it a pussy?

02:05:32.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:05:33.000 Yeah.

02:05:34.000 Really?

02:05:35.000 You think she calls it a pussy?

02:05:35.000 Or stank box.

02:05:36.000 I think she calls it a pussy.

02:05:36.000 Or stank box.

02:05:37.000 Or stank box.

02:05:38.000 Yeah.

02:05:39.000 Because, you know, sometimes when she gets, like, she gets back to her old southern roots and she'll be like, girl, you know, this shit is, she doesn't say shit, but, like, this is delicious.

02:05:47.000 Let's just go!

02:05:48.000 Like, she'll really play it up.

02:05:49.000 I think when she's in bed, she's probably like, get that pussy, get it.

02:05:53.000 I guarantee you, if you could encapsulate the smell of an Oprah Winfrey post-binge diarrhea blast, because she knows she must go on a binge.

02:06:02.000 Oh, she drops heat, for sure.

02:06:03.000 She gets heavy, bro.

02:06:04.000 Some shit goes down.

02:06:05.000 She got real skinny for a while, and then she just plumps up, and there's some eating going on there, son.

02:06:09.000 There's a lot of stress, and that's how she...

02:06:11.000 If you could encapsulate it into something you could open and smell her shit.

02:06:15.000 Yeah.

02:06:16.000 I guarantee you people would buy it.

02:06:17.000 Yeah.

02:06:18.000 They'd be fascinated.

02:06:19.000 People are fascinated.

02:06:20.000 I love grape juice.

02:06:21.000 For a certain amount of money, as long as you made it reasonable, if you said, smell Oprah's shit for one dollar, you would make millions.

02:06:30.000 Yeah.

02:06:30.000 If it's all a cost, like a buck, Yeah, that's very reasonable.

02:06:34.000 It's less than a cup of coffee.

02:06:35.000 Would you do it?

02:06:36.000 Yeah.

02:06:37.000 You might make five, six million bucks off that product.

02:06:39.000 Sure.

02:06:39.000 Why don't we do it?

02:06:40.000 Why can't they encapsulate record smells the way they record sound and visual?

02:06:45.000 It's just because there's not that much of a demand for it.

02:06:47.000 It seems like they should be able to do that by now.

02:06:49.000 They should be able to put a smell into some sort of a reusable medium.

02:06:54.000 Visual medium is like they can record video.

02:06:56.000 You can watch that video.

02:06:57.000 It gets in through your eyes.

02:06:58.000 Why can't they record a smell?

02:07:00.000 Yeah.

02:07:01.000 I mean, because you've ever done the film capsule thing?

02:07:04.000 You've done that before?

02:07:05.000 What's that?

02:07:05.000 Like the 35mm film cart, you know, the little black thing?

02:07:10.000 Mm-hmm.

02:07:10.000 Fart in it, and then you...

02:07:12.000 Decapsulate it?

02:07:12.000 Yeah.

02:07:13.000 You close it?

02:07:13.000 That fart will stay in there.

02:07:15.000 No way.

02:07:16.000 Yes, it will.

02:07:18.000 He's so confident I would bet on him.

02:07:19.000 I've experimented with cups and stuff.

02:07:22.000 Jars?

02:07:22.000 You can do it with jars too.

02:07:23.000 I've tried.

02:07:24.000 You tried with Kitty Fart Cup.

02:07:26.000 And you also didn't fart.

02:07:28.000 You've got to really be into farting.

02:07:31.000 I farted on Christina the other day when you were there.

02:07:34.000 Did you really?

02:07:34.000 We were all walking out of the office and I just trailed her whole leg the whole time.

02:07:38.000 Damn, dude.

02:07:39.000 Why did you fart on his wife?

02:07:40.000 Don't fart on my wife.

02:07:41.000 That's so rude.

02:07:42.000 It's disrespectful, man.

02:07:43.000 Yeah, you can't be farting on dude's wife.

02:07:44.000 I'm just kidding.

02:07:44.000 My daughter farts on me all the time.

02:07:46.000 I've been watching TV shows with her and she's sitting in my lap and she just starts farting.

02:07:50.000 Three-year-olds don't give a fuck.

02:07:51.000 But you just laugh.

02:07:52.000 And I go, did you just fart at me?

02:07:53.000 And she goes, yeah!

02:07:55.000 And then she just farts on you.

02:07:56.000 That's got to be the only time that it's acceptable or cute, right?

02:08:00.000 It's like your daughter, you're like...

02:08:01.000 It is what it is.

02:08:03.000 I've got to wipe her butt still, make sure it's done right.

02:08:06.000 I've got to flush her logs.

02:08:09.000 If a baby's a log, a three-year-old baby, if your log was in proportionate, it would be the size of your fucking thigh.

02:08:16.000 Oh yeah, because they have big old shit still.

02:08:18.000 Giant shit.

02:08:19.000 Yeah.

02:08:20.000 They eat so much.

02:08:21.000 Kids are always hungry.

02:08:22.000 They're growing.

02:08:23.000 So they just fucking pack that food and it comes out like a grown up shit.

02:08:27.000 Yeah.

02:08:27.000 And you try to do the math, like that's ridiculous.

02:08:30.000 I love taking shots.

02:08:31.000 Are you going to have a little Tommy running around you and Christina?

02:08:33.000 I want to, yeah.

02:08:34.000 Shoot some live rounds in there and get the party rolling?

02:08:37.000 Definitely, at some point.

02:08:38.000 I definitely want kids.

02:08:39.000 I can't wait.

02:08:39.000 How old is she right now?

02:08:41.000 She is 35. That's when you've got to start thinking about it.

02:08:44.000 You've got to start thinking about your window.

02:08:48.000 I don't know what the window is for a kid to be healthy, but it's right around.

02:08:52.000 We're going to get on it.

02:08:53.000 Come on, son!

02:08:54.000 Film it, too.

02:08:55.000 Film the whole thing, the porn.

02:08:56.000 Right up to it.

02:08:57.000 It could be a new reality show.

02:08:59.000 By the time your kid is born, that will be passe.

02:09:01.000 Kim Kardashian will have already had a cervix reality show.

02:09:05.000 Kim Kardashian's new show is going to be a microchip little camera where you can just see the black dicks going in one after the other.

02:09:14.000 That's the whole show.

02:09:15.000 Oh!

02:09:15.000 The whole show is a 24-hour internet cam insider pussy.

02:09:19.000 It's all Wi-Fi and it's all hooked up.

02:09:27.000 Look, you would pay for that.

02:09:28.000 Would you pay for that?

02:09:29.000 Yes.

02:09:29.000 If that was on the Playboy channel.

02:09:31.000 If they agreed, if a girl agreed to do it, please, someone out there, steal this idea.

02:09:35.000 Get a girl who looks like Kim Kardashian, pretend it's Kim Kardashian, lie to me, say this may or may not be Kim Kardashian's pussy, and get a girl to put a 24-hour webcam inside her box.

02:09:45.000 Somebody stole an idea from me the other day, by the way.

02:09:47.000 Really?

02:09:47.000 How do you know?

02:09:48.000 It could be parallel thinking.

02:09:49.000 Yeah, it could totally be parallel thinking.

02:09:50.000 For years, I've said, and I even said it just last week on a podcast, but I said on one of your old, old podcasts, I can't remember, that I had this idea...

02:10:02.000 I thought about it when my grandmother was still alive that she doesn't have a computer, but I wanted to be able to write an email and then send it to a company, and that company would write it out and send her a handwritten letter.

02:10:13.000 So it would be easy for me to write letters to my grandmother for a charge.

02:10:16.000 The other day I had a Freddie Lockhart podcast and I talked about it.

02:10:20.000 And then yesterday, gizmodo.com said this artist guy did that.

02:10:25.000 And he's called emailtosnailmail.com or something like that.

02:10:31.000 And that's what this new company is called.

02:10:33.000 Well, if they stole from you, I hope they're fucking...

02:10:37.000 They crashed to the ground, Brian.

02:10:38.000 Yeah, it's not cool, man.

02:10:40.000 It's not cool at all.

02:10:41.000 How long have they been around?

02:10:42.000 I think since yesterday.

02:10:43.000 Will you allow them to steal it from you?

02:10:45.000 You don't want a piece of that.

02:10:46.000 There's no money in that.

02:10:46.000 Well, he's doing it for free, so it's more of an art project.

02:10:49.000 So if he did steal your idea, you welcome it.

02:10:52.000 Yeah.

02:10:53.000 Okay, good.

02:10:53.000 That's nice.

02:10:54.000 That's very thoughtful of you.

02:10:55.000 Dude, that's nice.

02:10:56.000 You're contributing to the world.

02:10:57.000 Right.

02:10:58.000 You little wacky ideas.

02:10:59.000 Yeah, I've had time I would have done it myself.

02:11:01.000 If you don't know and you can't get enough of Brian, you're like, God, who's that dude stumbling through his sentences?

02:11:05.000 I fucking love him.

02:11:06.000 He's too stoned.

02:11:07.000 Yeah, he is too stoned.

02:11:08.000 Brian is a way smoother talker before he does the podcast, but I knew that I was going to get past that third hit his way, and he's impulsive.

02:11:17.000 He's going to say yes, and I know he shouldn't have it, but part of me wants to see him take that third hit.

02:11:21.000 You did give me a third hit.

02:11:22.000 I did.

02:11:22.000 I gave you that third hit.

02:11:23.000 I didn't realize.

02:11:24.000 I took the third hit, too.

02:11:25.000 I'm just starting to come back.

02:11:26.000 I'm on Machu Picchu High.

02:11:28.000 The entire time we were talking, I was thinking about Machu Picchu.

02:11:31.000 Yeah.

02:11:32.000 Amazing.

02:11:32.000 Plan your trip, man.

02:11:33.000 Plan your trip.

02:11:34.000 Yeah.

02:11:35.000 It's hard when you have little ones.

02:11:36.000 I don't think they'd be down.

02:11:37.000 No.

02:11:38.000 I've got to tell Mickey Mouse is at the top.

02:11:40.000 Here's what I'll do.

02:11:41.000 I'll hire some dudes dressed like Mickey and Donald.

02:11:44.000 And they'll be waiting for me at the top of Machu Picchu.

02:11:47.000 That's fucking great.

02:11:49.000 And the kids are like, Daddy, let's go back.

02:11:52.000 I can't breathe.

02:11:53.000 Come on.

02:11:54.000 It's not the ideal place for little kids.

02:11:55.000 Daddy wants to see the big rocks.

02:11:56.000 I'm here for the big rocks, you fucks.

02:11:58.000 Hey, don't let your kids have lemonade stands.

02:12:00.000 I saw a lemonade stand the other day, and it blew my mind.

02:12:03.000 I was like, wait.

02:12:04.000 You've got to be parents.

02:12:05.000 There's these two kids on the side of a street.

02:12:08.000 And that's just an open invitation.

02:12:10.000 Yeah.

02:12:11.000 What the fuck is that?

02:12:12.000 There was no parents anywhere.

02:12:13.000 Did you hear about the poor guy in Brooklyn?

02:12:17.000 Did you hear about this?

02:12:18.000 Where the little kid asks for directions.

02:12:20.000 He's on his way home from school.

02:12:21.000 He's eight years old.

02:12:22.000 Asks for directions.

02:12:23.000 They can't find him.

02:12:24.000 And they find video of the kid at the playground talking to some man.

02:12:28.000 They go to the man's house.

02:12:29.000 The kid's chopped up in his refrigerator.

02:12:31.000 Fuck.

02:12:31.000 No.

02:12:32.000 Yeah.

02:12:32.000 Guy's an Orthodox Jew, too.

02:12:34.000 Really?

02:12:34.000 Which really shocked the Jewish community because the other kid was a Hasidic Jew.

02:12:37.000 And it's a very tight-knit Jewish community.

02:12:39.000 This guy was an Orthodox Jew.

02:12:42.000 Killed this fucking kid and chopped him up.

02:12:43.000 I did think it was weird.

02:12:45.000 Yesterday, I'm driving down Glendale Boulevard.

02:12:48.000 And it's, like, sundown.

02:12:50.000 And you see, like, I saw two girls that were probably, like, I don't know, maybe, like, 12, 13, just walking down the street.

02:12:58.000 And it's not, like, a bad neighborhood.

02:13:00.000 You're like, you shouldn't be walking down Glendale Boulevard.

02:13:03.000 Like, you're too young.

02:13:04.000 Like, the cars are flying by.

02:13:06.000 And it's still L.A. There's weirdos on any street just walking around.

02:13:11.000 It does make me go like, man, I thought I would definitely not be cool with my kid walking around.

02:13:16.000 Where do you live?

02:13:17.000 Well, just like that street.

02:13:19.000 It's not a residential street, man.

02:13:22.000 It's like a highway almost.

02:13:24.000 That's why people always want to go to the suburbs once they have children.

02:13:27.000 They realize, wow, this hive is just too crazy.

02:13:29.000 I sort of admire people that raise their kids in New York City.

02:13:32.000 I'm like, wow, what a wild ride that's got to be for kids to grow up in the hub of North American civilization.

02:13:39.000 Yeah.

02:13:39.000 I mean, New York City is unlike any other city.

02:13:42.000 You can call LA a city all you want, but it's really not.

02:13:46.000 It's a destination.

02:13:48.000 It's a destination.

02:13:50.000 LA's an area.

02:13:51.000 It's a place.

02:13:52.000 But it's not a city.

02:13:53.000 New York City is a fucking city, man.

02:13:55.000 When you're staying in a hotel...

02:13:58.000 Everywhere around you are 60, 70-story skyscrapers, and you're looking down the ground, and there's fucking millions of people looking out at their windows and looking at you, and you see this giant thing that's created on this little island.

02:14:10.000 That's a fucking city, man.

02:14:13.000 That's the human experience in its highest RPM form.

02:14:19.000 This giant construction where everything's built up.

02:14:24.000 They don't have any room to go east and west, so they go north and south.

02:14:28.000 What the fuck?

02:14:29.000 That's a weird place to raise kids.

02:14:30.000 And all the East Coast cities have a different vibe and feel than out here.

02:14:36.000 San Francisco's a proper city, a tight kind of thing, but Philly, Baltimore, New York, those are cities where you can feel the cities alive.

02:14:48.000 Here you don't really...

02:14:49.000 Yeah.

02:14:50.000 The city is filled with pukes, too.

02:14:53.000 Yeah.

02:14:53.000 It's filled with people that are trying to get famous.

02:14:55.000 Yeah.

02:14:55.000 So the vibe of the city is all fucked up.

02:14:57.000 Totally.

02:14:58.000 That's right, LA. I said it.

02:15:00.000 How about you just suck it?

02:15:03.000 Brian, what are you doing?

02:15:04.000 Tweetin'?

02:15:04.000 This is the end of this fucking goddamn podcast.

02:15:07.000 This shit was fun, man.

02:15:08.000 It was fun.

02:15:08.000 It's always fun.

02:15:09.000 Tommy Segura.

02:15:10.000 And if you think Tommy is hilarious when you hear him talk on the podcast...

02:15:14.000 You can also check him on his podcast, which is your mom's house that you can catch on the Death Squad Network.

02:15:20.000 One of my favorite ones to do, too.

02:15:22.000 Of course.

02:15:23.000 He's hilarious, and so is his wife, and they do it together, which is a little bit pussy whip, but we're going to let him slide.

02:15:27.000 You know, it is what it is, bro.

02:15:28.000 It is.

02:15:29.000 It's great.

02:15:29.000 I love it.

02:15:30.000 I love you, babe.

02:15:31.000 His wife is super cool.

02:15:32.000 I remember when I met your wife, your wife was going on at the Naughty Show, and there was a fucking girl beating a dude with a belt right before your chick went up.

02:15:41.000 And I was talking to her, and she's like, what the fuck am I going to do with it?

02:15:44.000 How am I going to follow this?

02:15:45.000 And I'm like, wow, she's got to follow that.

02:15:47.000 That's going to be hard.

02:15:48.000 These people are screaming and cheering, and she just rocked it, dude.

02:15:52.000 She crushes.

02:15:53.000 Shoot!

02:15:54.000 She's hilarious, man.

02:15:55.000 Super relaxed and super confident.

02:15:58.000 And you can follow her on Twitter, too.

02:15:59.000 We'll give out her Twitter name.

02:16:00.000 Her Twitter is at Christina P. Christina P? Just P? Just Christina P? Yeah, just Christina P. Yeah, she's awesome.

02:16:10.000 She's hilarious.

02:16:10.000 But if you really want to see Tom at his finest, you gotta go see him do stand-up.

02:16:14.000 He's at the Ice House this weekend with me, but it's sold the fuck out, son.

02:16:18.000 Me and Joey Diaz and Tommy Segura.

02:16:21.000 But when else can they see you?

02:16:23.000 Where are you going to be at?

02:16:24.000 Well, next Tuesday, I'm going to be in Montreal for the festival, and Tuesday night, I'm going to do Ari's show at midnight.

02:16:30.000 In Montreal?

02:16:31.000 In Montreal.

02:16:31.000 Wow.

02:16:32.000 Oh, beautiful.

02:16:33.000 And then I'm doing other shows throughout the week at the festival, like I'm doing HBO Canada show, a couple Best of Fest shows, and I'll try to post those as soon as I know them.

02:16:42.000 But definitely Ari's show Tuesday night and the week after.

02:16:45.000 And what is Ari's show called?

02:16:46.000 It's a storytelling show.

02:16:47.000 And where's it at?

02:16:48.000 I don't know.

02:16:49.000 So it's in Montreal?

02:16:50.000 It's in Montreal.

02:16:51.000 If you want to find it, ask Ari Shafir, A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. On Twitter, ask him and he'll tell you what the fuck is up.

02:17:01.000 I'm proud of Ari.

02:17:02.000 He's doing a lot of shit now.

02:17:03.000 He's doing great.

02:17:04.000 And you can tell he's really striding in his lane.

02:17:10.000 He's really fucking blowing up.

02:17:11.000 And his stand-up is getting better too.

02:17:13.000 Everything's coming together.

02:17:14.000 He's doing fantastic.

02:17:15.000 The week after though, I'll be in Denver at the Denver Improv.

02:17:18.000 Oh shit, son.

02:17:19.000 August 4th through the 7th.

02:17:21.000 Are you traveling with your wife?

02:17:22.000 No, I don't know who I'm working with.

02:17:24.000 I just know that I'm doing it.

02:17:25.000 Nice.

02:17:26.000 Do they have you headlining now?

02:17:27.000 Yeah.

02:17:28.000 You better, those dirty bitches.

02:17:30.000 Yeah, so that'll be a lot of fun.

02:17:31.000 So, Paramount Theater, September 23rd, Joe Diaz returns to Colorado.

02:17:36.000 They tried to blacklist him.

02:17:38.000 We would not allow it!

02:17:40.000 This Sunday, Michael Chiavello will be doing a podcast with me.

02:17:43.000 Oh, I love Mike.

02:17:45.000 Yeah, he's a great guy.

02:17:46.000 And he's going to hang out at the house, and his missus is going to hang out with my missus, and we're going to throw down on a fucking podcast.

02:17:52.000 They're great, man.

02:17:52.000 They're great.

02:17:53.000 They're super cool.

02:17:53.000 I saw them in Melbourne, and he took me to a very beautiful bathroom.

02:17:57.000 A beautiful bathroom?

02:17:58.000 Yeah, I have him tell you about it.

02:17:59.000 Okay.

02:18:00.000 He's a great guy.

02:18:01.000 I love that dude.

02:18:01.000 So that's it for this week.

02:18:03.000 Next week we got on the 27th, Giorgio Tsoukalos from Ancient Aliens is going to be on the podcast.

02:18:13.000 And I'm fucking fired up for that.

02:18:15.000 And we got a bunch of other people that we're going to try to get in here.

02:18:20.000 There's a few fighters, a few comics, a few different things.

02:18:24.000 Brian Ebersole, I think he's going to do it.

02:18:26.000 I've got to talk to him, and we're going to get Mayhem back as soon as Mayhem is done filming The Ultimate Fighter.

02:18:32.000 We've got a lot of shit going down, bitches.

02:18:34.000 And the new studio, which we should be moving into very soon.

02:18:38.000 As soon as I'm done here, I'm going right there.

02:18:41.000 I'm looking at shit.

02:18:42.000 You're going to come with me, bitch?

02:18:44.000 I can't.

02:18:44.000 Come on, son.

02:18:45.000 You have a new studio?

02:18:46.000 We're going to make a new studio.

02:18:47.000 We're going to make a studio.

02:18:48.000 We're going to do something in an actual office building.

02:18:51.000 No shit.

02:18:52.000 Yeah, man.

02:18:53.000 I can't keep doing this in my fucking office.

02:18:55.000 My kids are in the background screaming.

02:18:56.000 I feel like a douchebag dad that I want them to be quiet in their own house.

02:19:00.000 Yeah.

02:19:01.000 In one way, it's kind of cool because I like hearing little kids screams in the background every now and then.

02:19:05.000 Well, right now we're at 22. But I can't bring any skanks over the house either.

02:19:08.000 Let's be honest, ladies and gentlemen.

02:19:09.000 That's part of the program.

02:19:10.000 Part of the program is I can't bring any skanks over here.

02:19:13.000 Mrs. Rogan doesn't like it.

02:19:15.000 The only time we've had skanks, excuse me, questionable people, we did it over at Brian's house.

02:19:21.000 Now you know who you are.

02:19:25.000 Andy Dick.

02:19:26.000 That's right.

02:19:27.000 That's how the cookie crumbles.

02:19:28.000 Hookers.

02:19:29.000 All right.

02:19:30.000 Listen, love you guys.

02:19:31.000 Can't wait for Pasadena Ice House this weekend.

02:19:33.000 According to the website, it's sold out.

02:19:35.000 But if you go there...

02:19:36.000 Word.

02:19:36.000 You know, who the fuck knows?

02:19:37.000 There might be some tickets laying around.

02:19:39.000 Call them.

02:19:39.000 What the fuck do I know?

02:19:41.000 Can't wait to see everybody.

02:19:42.000 And I'll see you Sunday.

02:19:43.000 Alright.

02:19:43.000 Love ya.

02:19:43.000 Come on.

02:19:44.000 Give me a kiss.

02:19:45.000 Peace.

02:19:46.000 And if you like the Fleshlight.

02:19:47.000 Oh, that's right.

02:19:48.000 I always forget.

02:19:50.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast was brought to you by the Fleshlight.

02:19:54.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and you enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:20:03.000 And then what you do is you take it and you open up the box and you stick your penis inside of it.

02:20:09.000 And you go like this.

02:20:11.000 And then you go to sleep.

02:20:13.000 It's the best.

02:20:14.000 It's the best.

02:20:14.000 So, we love you.

02:20:17.000 We hope you love us back.

02:20:18.000 Bye-bye.

02:20:19.000 Bye-bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 20, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #123 - Tom Segura

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