The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1265 - Andrew Schulz

00:00:05.000 Ready?

00:00:05.000 Headphones, sir?

00:00:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:00:07.000 Do I have to?

00:00:08.000 They're better.

00:00:09.000 Lock in.

00:00:10.000 Are we live?

00:00:12.000 Hey Andrew, how you doing?

00:00:13.000 I'm good, how are you?

00:00:13.000 I'm good, man.

00:00:14.000 What's up?

00:00:14.000 Chilling, man.

00:00:15.000 Thanks for having me.

00:00:16.000 Thanks for being here, dude.

00:00:17.000 Of course, of course.

00:00:17.000 Hey, I like what you're doing.

00:00:19.000 Thank you.

00:00:19.000 I like a lot of things you're doing.

00:00:20.000 First of all, I like that you decided to put all your shit on YouTube. 0.99

00:00:24.000 Yes. 1.00

00:00:24.000 You're like, fuck it. 1.00

00:00:24.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:00:25.000 Look, it's hard. 1.00

00:00:26.000 Look, there's about a million fucking comedians today. 0.99

00:00:29.000 Right, right. 0.99

00:00:29.000 There's more comedians now than ever. 0.99

00:00:31.000 I'll lock in, don't worry.

00:00:32.000 We don't have to.

00:00:33.000 We don't have to have them on.

00:00:34.000 There's like a million comedians today.

00:00:36.000 Yeah.

00:00:37.000 And...

00:00:39.000 A lot of these companies are overwhelmed.

00:00:41.000 There's no room for all these up and coming guys that are coming up.

00:00:45.000 Some guys like you are really good.

00:00:47.000 Thank you. 0.99

00:00:48.000 They're looking like, how do you get your shit out there? 0.99

00:00:52.000 Well, just put it out there on YouTube. 0.99

00:00:54.000 Exactly that.

00:00:55.000 Yeah.

00:00:55.000 I mean, everybody just said no to me.

00:00:57.000 That was a thing.

00:00:57.000 So, I didn't have a choice.

00:00:59.000 Well, a lot of people, that's happening to Brian Callen right now.

00:01:01.000 Right.

00:01:02.000 And then he just did his, right?

00:01:03.000 Yeah.

00:01:03.000 I posted his thing.

00:01:04.000 But he's releasing it on iTunes.

00:01:06.000 He's releasing it on all the other platforms.

00:01:08.000 Right. 0.99

00:01:08.000 But there's no fucking room. 0.99

00:01:10.000 Yeah, it's a weird thing because, I guess for me, the stand-up industry wasn't really inviting to me, even from the beginning. 0.98

00:01:18.000 So, a couple years ago, I filmed my own.

00:01:21.000 Especially when I did it in New York.

00:01:23.000 And I did five clubs and I did the cab rides in between. 0.98

00:01:26.000 And the idea was, alright, if you don't fuck with me, at least you can appreciate this part of stand-up that is being a New York guy. 0.94

00:01:34.000 Did you do 15-minute sets in each place? 0.99

00:01:36.000 Oh, wow, that's cool.

00:01:37.000 Yeah, so I was like, if you love the game...

00:01:40.000 You at least will take a look at this and maybe support this.

00:01:44.000 And everybody said no.

00:01:47.000 CISO said no.

00:01:49.000 And I had a show with them.

00:01:51.000 Like, bro, it was bad.

00:01:54.000 Humbling.

00:01:55.000 But I just believed in the project and I thought it was dope.

00:01:58.000 So I cut a 15-minute version.

00:02:01.000 But I'll tell you what I did.

00:02:03.000 You can learn everything you need about stand-up from asking people who don't do stand-up.

00:02:08.000 Really?

00:02:08.000 Yeah, like, I asked all my friends and just people I would meet, I'd be like, who you watching, you know, these days?

00:02:13.000 And, you know, they'd say the names that we all know.

00:02:15.000 And then they'd always say this, they'd be like, yeah, it was funny, man, but I didn't finish it.

00:02:20.000 Hmm.

00:02:20.000 Everybody said that, right?

00:02:22.000 And I was like, alright, so it's too long.

00:02:24.000 Yeah.

00:02:24.000 So I cut it down to 15. I did like a 15-minute version of the special.

00:02:28.000 I did four clubs.

00:02:29.000 And I just put it right on YouTube.

00:02:31.000 And it was weird.

00:02:33.000 I like sold out shows that weekend in San Diego, and I was never a sellout guy.

00:02:36.000 You know, I have a few guys come out from the podcast I do and that kind of stuff, but it was never like a...

00:02:40.000 Like a sellout, you know?

00:02:42.000 Right.

00:02:42.000 And I was like, wow, that's kind of weird.

00:02:43.000 And then I did a show in like Columbus, Ohio.

00:02:46.000 You know the, what is it, the Funny Bone out there?

00:02:48.000 Yeah.

00:02:49.000 A great club.

00:02:50.000 Great club.

00:02:50.000 And I think we sold like 1,600 tickets.

00:02:54.000 And I was like, what the fuck is happening? 0.97

00:02:56.000 Like, I was not in Ohio, you know? 0.99

00:02:59.000 And like people were coming out like, I like your thing. 0.99

00:03:01.000 I was like, oh shit, maybe people are watching this. 0.98

00:03:05.000 And I started to sit back for a second. 0.99

00:03:07.000 I was like, why are people watching it?

00:03:08.000 Man, maybe it's short. 1.00

00:03:09.000 And I was like, alright, fuck it. 1.00

00:03:10.000 You know what I'm going to do? 1.00

00:03:11.000 I'm going to put a joke out a week for a year.

00:03:14.000 I got another 45 minutes left of the special, and I could probably produce some more stand-up.

00:03:21.000 I'll just put a joke out a week.

00:03:22.000 There was this...

00:03:24.000 Singer who was doing that and like he just put a song out a week his name was Russ and I was like alright that's he's a worker I can I can at least control that I can outwork somebody so I'll do that and I put the joke out for a week and like the joke started to go and like someone would go viral and I was like yo this is crazy and People are coming out to shows and then my YouTube guy hits me.

00:03:43.000 He goes you know something weird is happening.

00:03:44.000 I go what's up and he goes When people watch a clip They'll watch for two hours I go, what do you mean?

00:03:52.000 Like, they'll just get lost in a wormhole.

00:03:54.000 And I go, so wait a minute, so people aren't watching an hour of stand-up?

00:04:00.000 On the networks, because it's too long.

00:04:02.000 But they're watching two hours of mine. 0.98

00:04:04.000 I'm like, why the fuck would that happen? 0.98

00:04:07.000 And we figured out that it was, you made the choice. 0.99

00:04:11.000 When you're in control of your destiny, right?

00:04:14.000 You'll invest as much time as you want.

00:04:16.000 It's hitting snooze on the alarm clock.

00:04:18.000 It's like, I'll take another eight minutes.

00:04:20.000 I'll take another eight minutes.

00:04:21.000 I won't set my alarm clock for an hour later.

00:04:24.000 That would be irresponsible.

00:04:26.000 But I'll snooze, snooze, snooze. 0.99

00:04:29.000 And when people make their own fucking choice, it was like, it was just crazy to see what happened, man. 0.99

00:04:34.000 It's also the platform. 0.99

00:04:35.000 The platform, I mean, people on their phones, Netflix told me that half the people that watch my special watch it on a phone.

00:04:41.000 Of course.

00:04:42.000 Absolutely. 0.98

00:04:42.000 So people that are watching phones, you're on that goddamn thing all day long, and it's way easier to flip a channel. 0.98

00:04:51.000 It's way easier just, you got that remote in your hand anyway when you sit at home. 0.98

00:04:54.000 That's a good point.

00:04:54.000 Yeah.

00:04:55.000 That's a really good point.

00:04:56.000 Yeah, when you're on your phone, you're going full screen.

00:04:57.000 You gotta, like, tap it, move it.

00:05:00.000 And you don't know what's next.

00:05:00.000 I know if I turn this channel, it's ESPN2. Exactly.

00:05:03.000 I don't know if I leave this video what I'm gonna see next.

00:05:06.000 Yeah.

00:05:06.000 Yeah, 100%.

00:05:07.000 There's a little bit of that.

00:05:08.000 There's a little bit of phone addiction that contributes to a lot of views.

00:05:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:12.000 But people love fucking YouTube. 1.00

00:05:15.000 They love it. 1.00

00:05:15.000 I mean, YouTube never ends. 1.00

00:05:17.000 You could be on it for the rest of your life and not put a dent in the content that's on there.

00:05:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:05:22.000 It's space.

00:05:23.000 Yeah, especially if you have like me.

00:05:24.000 I got a lot of weird interests.

00:05:26.000 Like you look at like what it suggests for me.

00:05:28.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:05:28.000 It's like shit on the cosmos, muscle cars, professional pool matches, MMA. It's chaos. 0.99

00:05:35.000 Archery. 1.00

00:05:35.000 It's all elk hunting and shit. 1.00

00:05:37.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:05:38.000 Like I could never leave my fucking house, just sit with my phone plugged in the wall and just numb my brain. 1.00

00:05:44.000 And we'll keep suggesting shit to you, right? 1.00

00:05:45.000 Oh yeah. 0.99

00:05:45.000 And you're like, yeah, I do want to check that out. 0.99

00:05:47.000 As soon as they did that, I saw this back when there was no suggestions.

00:05:51.000 Remember those days?

00:05:52.000 Yeah, of course.

00:05:52.000 The dark days.

00:05:53.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:05:54.000 As soon as they started suggesting shit, I was like, oh my god, that's a game changer. 1.00

00:05:58.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:05:58.000 And then the next video just automatically plays, like, oh, you got us. 0.99

00:06:02.000 You got us now.

00:06:03.000 Yeah, so it's over.

00:06:04.000 It's like, it's just right there.

00:06:05.000 You have all your access points to it, you know?

00:06:07.000 I mean, that was the beauty of it, I found.

00:06:09.000 It's like, you know, with a special, maybe the best joke that you have on your special to someone else is 33 minutes in.

00:06:18.000 Right.

00:06:18.000 So that guy's got to wait 33 minutes hoping you're going to hit that joke, right?

00:06:24.000 On YouTube, like if I had your special and I cut it up to jokes on YouTube, what topic?

00:06:29.000 Not, you know, everything under an umbrella, you know?

00:06:33.000 You have an access point here.

00:06:34.000 You have, let's say, six different access points.

00:06:36.000 With the new special I have out now, right?

00:06:38.000 It's six different pieces.

00:06:39.000 So it's a different access point every single time.

00:06:41.000 Some people might come for a Trump joke.

00:06:43.000 Some people might come for a tranny joke.

00:06:44.000 It doesn't matter, right?

00:06:46.000 So it's not the situation where you have to go, okay, maybe I hit 37 minutes in this bit that I love.

00:06:52.000 No, you're going to get that bit right away, and then you're going to go back to the beginning and go, okay, I'm going to watch this all the way through.

00:06:58.000 It's the music model.

00:06:59.000 For me...

00:07:01.000 I didn't invent anything.

00:07:02.000 I just stole it from music.

00:07:03.000 Right.

00:07:04.000 Musicians put out a single for a reason.

00:07:06.000 Yeah, I kind of, I like that if you're thinking about marketing.

00:07:11.000 Yes, complete, complete, like, you and I are in way different places with stand-up, right?

00:07:15.000 Like, you're one of the most famous people in the world, right?

00:07:18.000 So you don't need to find new people to see you.

00:07:21.000 People are going to watch your stand-up because they're like, alright, I have an intimate relationship with this guy, I listen to him eight hours a week, and I just want to see his stand-up, right?

00:07:29.000 I'm still in marketing phase.

00:07:31.000 I'm like, how can I get new people to see me?

00:07:34.000 There's five people that should have comedy specials now.

00:07:36.000 That's more than that.

00:07:37.000 There's five.

00:07:38.000 Hey, send Jeff out to get lighters.

00:07:40.000 Tell him to go get some lighters.

00:07:42.000 You, Rock, Chappelle, Louis, Burr.

00:07:47.000 That's it.

00:07:48.000 Everybody else should be in acquisition phase.

00:07:51.000 Why?

00:07:52.000 I don't know about that, man.

00:07:54.000 I don't buy into that.

00:07:55.000 First of all, I don't think that way.

00:07:57.000 I never worry about what other people are doing.

00:07:59.000 I just don't.

00:08:00.000 I don't think about it. 1.00

00:08:02.000 And then two, all I concentrate on is doing my best shit. 1.00

00:08:06.000 That's it. 1.00

00:08:06.000 Right. 1.00

00:08:07.000 And once I got to a point where I was successful enough, where I didn't have to worry about money, it was a huge relief.

00:08:12.000 And honestly, I think I started doing my best work.

00:08:15.000 Of course.

00:08:15.000 Because then I wasn't thinking, I didn't have any resources that were dialed into how do I promote this and how do I get that going.

00:08:23.000 All my resources like, this bit needs something more.

00:08:26.000 I've got to figure out how to really sell that.

00:08:28.000 I've got to put, maybe if I switched it around.

00:08:31.000 So it's all about alchemy.

00:08:33.000 It's all about acting. 1.00

00:08:34.000 Adding shit and trying to make gold. 1.00

00:08:36.000 All I'm doing is like stirring in the lab trying to make gold. 1.00

00:08:39.000 Because you love creating, though.

00:08:40.000 Yeah, well, I don't have...

00:08:42.000 There's no thoughts on marketing now.

00:08:44.000 But you found out you love creating.

00:08:46.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:08:47.000 I've always loved creating.

00:08:48.000 But some people don't know that.

00:08:50.000 I feel like success teaches you exactly what you wanted.

00:08:53.000 Like these people who blow up with stand-up and never do it again.

00:08:56.000 Yeah.

00:08:56.000 They never wanted to be a stand-up.

00:08:58.000 Right, right, right.

00:08:59.000 Right?

00:08:59.000 It's like, if you blow up and all you're thinking about is how do I make this toe knuckle hair joke better?

00:09:05.000 Right, right.

00:09:06.000 You love the game!

00:09:07.000 Yeah.

00:09:07.000 You're like, I don't know, the greatest thing that ever happened for me was I stopped desiring things I couldn't control.

00:09:15.000 Right?

00:09:15.000 Like, I realized, oh, I don't care about a special on HBO or Netflix.

00:09:19.000 I just wanted people to see it.

00:09:21.000 Right.

00:09:22.000 If they see it and 10 people see it, that's cool because I just loved making it.

00:09:26.000 And if a million people see it, that's also cool.

00:09:28.000 But if anybody sees it, it's gratitude.

00:09:31.000 Do you see what I'm saying?

00:09:32.000 Before, I was just this void.

00:09:34.000 So much of us are comics.

00:09:35.000 I was just trying to fill up. 0.91

00:09:38.000 I'm sure you get people asking to be on a show and all that shit all the time.

00:09:42.000 It's just comics trying to take, fill themselves. 1.00

00:09:45.000 And I was an entitled little fucking brat probably. 0.97

00:09:47.000 Why don't I have a special? 1.00

00:09:48.000 Why don't I have this shit? 1.00

00:09:49.000 There's a lot of that going on. 1.00

00:09:50.000 It's useless, bro.

00:09:51.000 But I couldn't...

00:09:52.000 You know how, like, every rich person goes, money doesn't make you happy, and every poor person is like, man, when I'm rich, I'm going to be happy?

00:09:59.000 Yeah.

00:10:00.000 I feel like it's like that.

00:10:02.000 Like, I needed to get a certain amount of success for me to realize, man, I just love making these things.

00:10:08.000 Yeah.

00:10:10.000 Everybody does.

00:10:12.000 It's like...

00:10:12.000 Everybody does.

00:10:13.000 And if you don't, if you don't, I mean, you're... 1.00

00:10:16.000 Either blessed or stupid. 1.00

00:10:18.000 Like one of those things. 1.00

00:10:20.000 It's either you're this guy that's just pure or a woman who's pure right from the jump and you're just all about creating. 1.00

00:10:28.000 But it's really just about, you know, I was talking to Shob about it the night before that we were at the comedy store.

00:10:35.000 We were about to go on stage.

00:10:36.000 I'm like, how fun is killing? 0.98

00:10:38.000 Killing is the most fun.

00:10:39.000 I don't understand how people could quit this. 0.87

00:10:41.000 Yeah.

00:10:42.000 You quit doing comedy, man.

00:10:43.000 Why would you quit? 1.00

00:10:45.000 Out of all the shit that I do, if they said you could only do one, I'd be like, comedy! 0.99

00:10:50.000 It's not a question. 0.99

00:10:51.000 Everything else I could just pretend I'm doing.

00:10:53.000 Whether it's UFC commentary, I just sit at home and watch TV and just talk about what someone's supposed to be doing.

00:10:59.000 You can't fake it.

00:11:00.000 Right.

00:11:01.000 You can't fake comedy.

00:11:02.000 You can fake literally everything else.

00:11:03.000 Everything else.

00:11:05.000 You can't fake killing. 0.99

00:11:06.000 Yeah, you and I could have the same fucking conversation we probably would if there was no cameras, no people. 0.99

00:11:11.000 If you and I were just chilling in the main room, green room at the comedy store, we'd probably have the same conversation. 0.99

00:11:18.000 Facts.

00:11:18.000 100%.

00:11:19.000 Yeah, but when you go up there, that is a precision art form that requires calculation and also zen-like smoothness and alpha flow.

00:11:31.000 You gotta be in the zone.

00:11:33.000 You gotta be in that flow state.

00:11:34.000 Yep.

00:11:34.000 You've got to be happy, but you've also got to be focused.

00:11:37.000 You've got to be having a good time, but concentrating on these people and projecting to them, and you want them to have a good time.

00:11:44.000 The whole deal is, one of the best things about this job is you're making people feel good.

00:11:49.000 They're coming out of their house to see you, and they come out of there feeling better.

00:11:55.000 They have a good time.

00:11:56.000 Yeah.

00:11:56.000 If everything goes right, they feel better.

00:12:00.000 And my mom said the exact same thing.

00:12:02.000 She's like, you're very lucky.

00:12:03.000 You get to make people feel good for a living.

00:12:05.000 Yeah.

00:12:05.000 You have like an ethical job.

00:12:07.000 Yes.

00:12:07.000 Like how rare is that?

00:12:08.000 Imagine you're one of these like insurance guys that has to like tell people they can't get their bills paid from their car accident because it was their fault.

00:12:15.000 Or imagine if you're like one of those big tobacco guys.

00:12:18.000 You're driving around at a Rolls Royce knowing that someone's on an iron lung somewhere.

00:12:22.000 Yeah.

00:12:22.000 Jamie, where's the lighter?

00:12:24.000 Yeah.

00:12:25.000 You know when someone's drowning in their own fluid. 1.00

00:12:28.000 Yeah, you feel like shit. 1.00

00:12:30.000 And you just fly me to the moon. 1.00

00:12:33.000 Let me play among the stars.

00:12:36.000 Dude, it's the best.

00:12:37.000 It's like, it's bullfighting.

00:12:40.000 Yeah.

00:12:40.000 That's what we do.

00:12:41.000 My buddy said it so well.

00:12:43.000 He's like, because people used to always make the boxing analogy and I hated that because I used to box a little bit and I never at all felt that it was similar.

00:12:53.000 I've never heard a boxer go, yeah, this is just like stand-up.

00:12:56.000 It is like a martial art in that the truth is what works.

00:13:02.000 I'll go on that.

00:13:03.000 Because in martial arts, particularly in martial arts, not just in boxing, but boxing is a martial art, but the only stuff that works is the stuff that works.

00:13:14.000 And if you hit a guy and he goes unconscious, it doesn't matter.

00:13:16.000 One of the things that I used to like about fighting was that everybody could hate me, and I didn't care. 0.98

00:13:21.000 I didn't care because when I got in there, I'm like, I knew that I was going to fuck that guy up. 0.93

00:13:27.000 It doesn't matter what his friends think. 0.99

00:13:29.000 It doesn't matter how loud his parents cheer. 1.00

00:13:31.000 I'm going to kick that dude in his head and I'm going to separate him from his consciousness. 1.00

00:13:35.000 And that's just going to happen. 1.00

00:13:37.000 And you can hate me all day long.

00:13:39.000 It doesn't matter.

00:13:40.000 But then I had to switch gears 100% into comedy and I thought they were so different.

00:13:44.000 And then I realized, because in comedy you have to get the people to like you.

00:13:48.000 You can't just have these ideas and be unlikable.

00:13:51.000 Can't you get them to respect you?

00:13:53.000 Yeah, but they gotta like you.

00:13:55.000 I mean, you can get them to respect.

00:13:57.000 Even respect is liking you.

00:13:59.000 Someone can say one thing.

00:14:02.000 Like the late, great Brody Stevens who just passed.

00:14:04.000 If you looked at Brody's material on paper, some of it wasn't funny.

00:14:10.000 And when you looked at it in real life, it was some of my best material that I ever saw anybody do.

00:14:15.000 Because Brody's personality was so likable and he was so funny on stage that you just wanted to laugh at him.

00:14:25.000 Authenticity.

00:14:26.000 Yeah.

00:14:27.000 And when I was starting out, I didn't have that.

00:14:30.000 I had a hard time making that switch.

00:14:33.000 Then once I got better at stand-up, I realized, oh, it's so similar.

00:14:37.000 Because either it's funny or it's not funny.

00:14:41.000 Either it works or it doesn't work.

00:14:43.000 And your job is not...

00:14:45.000 Like some comics, they get caught up in their image.

00:14:48.000 They get caught up in how they want the audience to think of them.

00:14:51.000 And they dress a certain way on purpose because they want to project this image.

00:14:56.000 And they'll even say things on stage that are kind of gross.

00:14:59.000 That they're only saying it because they want the audience to think they're cool.

00:15:03.000 And it gives you a little like, ew, but maybe they're good enough so that you still laugh.

00:15:07.000 You see it, not everybody.

00:15:10.000 Authenticity illuminates all.

00:15:11.000 Those comics can't follow a real comic.

00:15:13.000 Have you ever noticed this?

00:15:15.000 When you see someone who's being truthful, he might not even be as funny.

00:15:20.000 He might not be killing as hard.

00:15:22.000 But it's so authentic that when the comic comes next, it feels like they're reading jokes off a paper.

00:15:28.000 Right?

00:15:29.000 And it's...

00:15:29.000 Our bodies are keyed into...

00:15:32.000 Like, comedy's reptilian, if you do it right.

00:15:34.000 Right?

00:15:35.000 You know, like, a lot of times...

00:15:37.000 People ask why old women can laugh at the same jokes that I'm telling that these young people can laugh at. 0.98

00:15:42.000 And my response is always, it's not their choice.

00:15:45.000 I'm not telling you jokes to your choice.

00:15:48.000 The Daily Show Trevor Noah is jokes about how you want the world to be.

00:15:52.000 I'm telling you jokes about how you deep down feel it is.

00:15:56.000 I'm going at your gut. 1.00

00:15:58.000 It's reptile shit. 1.00

00:15:59.000 So it's like, if it's in here already, Right. 1.00

00:16:02.000 You're going to laugh regardless of how old you are, regardless of how you were raised.

00:16:06.000 This is how you feel.

00:16:07.000 And I think it's why you guys love Diaz so much.

00:16:11.000 Yeah.

00:16:12.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:16:12.000 It's like, he doesn't have to not be himself.

00:16:15.000 Right.

00:16:16.000 He's like, what is he?

00:16:19.000 Latin? 0.85

00:16:19.000 What kind of Latin is he? 0.85

00:16:20.000 He's a Cuban Larry David. 0.79

00:16:22.000 Yeah.

00:16:22.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:16:22.000 It's just like...

00:16:24.000 What is Larry David?

00:16:25.000 The whole show is, what if someone was authentic 24 hours a day?

00:16:30.000 What was Patrice?

00:16:32.000 Raw authenticity, 24 hours a day.

00:16:35.000 And we're drawn to that in its worst form, in its best form. 0.98

00:16:38.000 But we're fucking drawn to that. 0.97

00:16:40.000 And there's something beautiful. 0.98

00:16:42.000 That's why I always use the bullfighter analogy.

00:16:44.000 It's like, the bull, for me...

00:16:47.000 Is the premise.

00:16:48.000 It's not the crowd.

00:16:50.000 The crowd is still the crowd.

00:16:52.000 It's like, how close can I get to this dangerous premise?

00:16:55.000 And I don't want to box with it.

00:16:57.000 I want to dance with it.

00:16:59.000 I want it to put his nose up against my nose, and then I want to skewer it. 0.99

00:17:04.000 But before I skewer it, I want to fucking do that shit where I click my heels, and I do the little cape, and I want to entertain the fuck out of the crowd with this dangerous... 0.99

00:17:14.000 Substance. 1.00

00:17:15.000 That's what the fuck we do. 1.00

00:17:16.000 That's why we roll our eyes when we see the pandering shit. 1.00

00:17:18.000 We're like, what are you wasting this for? 1.00

00:17:20.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:17:21.000 It's a fucking superpower. 1.00

00:17:22.000 Well, I think we're in this weird time period. 1.00

00:17:25.000 There's an ebb and a flow to comedy.

00:17:28.000 And right now, it's the weirdest ebb.

00:17:30.000 Because right now, you have...

00:17:33.000 This weird comedy that people are saying things that they want the crowd to hear rather than saying things that are funny.

00:17:44.000 They're saying things to hit all these checkpoints of progressive thinking.

00:17:48.000 As a cis white male, I believe.

00:17:51.000 I don't say that word. 1.00

00:17:55.000 That shit ain't real. 0.99

00:17:57.000 It's not real. 1.00

00:17:58.000 The special I have out now is called Views from the Sis.

00:18:01.000 It's a play off a Drake album called Views from the Six.

00:18:03.000 But the idea is just like, yeah, these are straight guy views.

00:18:06.000 This is what the world needs right now.

00:18:08.000 Well, you know, the world needs authenticity.

00:18:11.000 Whether it's authenticity from a trans person or authenticity from a straight guy. 0.98

00:18:15.000 The world needs someone to go out there and say what the fuck they really think and have a well-measured take on things. 0.97

00:18:23.000 And that's what I see you're doing. 0.97

00:18:25.000 What you're doing is you're going out there, you're expressing yourself, and the great thing about being turned down by all these platforms is they can't censor you.

00:18:33.000 They're not going to tell you, hey, Andrew, we really like you, but...

00:18:39.000 Tranny. 0.99

00:18:39.000 We can't have tranny. 0.99

00:18:40.000 You can't say that on our network.

00:18:42.000 And then you go, why not?

00:18:43.000 And then they go, eh.

00:18:44.000 Well, I was like, how come you can say cabbie, but you can't say tranny?

00:18:48.000 Granny. 1.00

00:18:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:49.000 Granny. 1.00

00:18:49.000 The joke I have is transgender tranny. 1.00

00:18:52.000 Grandmother granny. 0.99

00:18:53.000 Yeah.

00:18:54.000 How is this bad?

00:18:55.000 Right.

00:18:55.000 What is happening?

00:18:56.000 It's kind of cute.

00:18:58.000 Bro, we do it out of love.

00:19:00.000 Yeah.

00:19:01.000 If we shorten something and add a why, it's affectionate.

00:19:05.000 Sort of.

00:19:06.000 What's not?

00:19:07.000 Do you pull your hammy? 1.00

00:19:09.000 Talking shit to someone and call him Shorty. 1.00

00:19:11.000 Hey, fucking Shorty. 1.00

00:19:13.000 Ready? 0.99

00:19:13.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:19:14.000 That's longer.

00:19:15.000 Shorty is longer.

00:19:16.000 Yeah, it's true.

00:19:17.000 If you add, that's why Blackie's wrong. 1.00

00:19:20.000 Right, right, because it's longer.

00:19:22.000 The logic is there.

00:19:24.000 It's impenetrable, right?

00:19:25.000 Sort of.

00:19:26.000 Yeah.

00:19:26.000 What about Japs?

00:19:28.000 What about it?

00:19:28.000 That's not good.

00:19:29.000 But Jappy's cute.

00:19:31.000 Oh, you're talking about Jews or you're talking about... 0.75

00:19:34.000 No, Japanese people. 0.98

00:19:35.000 Oh! 0.60

00:19:36.000 You call them the Japs. 1.00

00:19:37.000 Yeah, Japs. 1.00

00:19:37.000 That's how the World War II people... 1.00

00:19:40.000 Yeah.

00:19:40.000 Why is that bad?

00:19:41.000 Well, it's bad because that's how the soldiers used to talk about him and the people used to talk about him during World War II when they were at war with him.

00:19:48.000 So here's my question.

00:19:49.000 What if somebody was like, you know who has one of the most refined cultures and delicious cuisine that I've ever experienced?

00:19:55.000 The Japs. 0.99

00:19:55.000 These Japs. 0.99

00:19:56.000 Right?

00:19:57.000 It's not bad.

00:19:58.000 You can't say that.

00:19:59.000 You know who dances the best?

00:20:00.000 The Spicks.

00:20:02.000 Well...

00:20:04.000 This makes me dancing, bro.

00:20:06.000 I don't know what to tell you.

00:20:07.000 I can dance.

00:20:07.000 What, are you going to disagree with that?

00:20:08.000 They can fucking dance. 0.99

00:20:10.000 Isn't it intention? 1.00

00:20:13.000 Intent, yes.

00:20:14.000 It's intent, right?

00:20:15.000 So, I was talking to this.

00:20:18.000 There was a trans chick that got upset at the joke, and she was like... 0.99

00:20:22.000 You know, she basically said to me, she's like, you probably wouldn't like it too if as you were walking home at night someone called you tranny and then threw a bottle at you. 0.89

00:20:30.000 And I was like, I don't respond to the negative comments, but all I'm thinking is if you were walking home at night and someone said transgender and then threw a bottle at you...

00:20:41.000 I think it'd be equally upsetting.

00:20:43.000 Yeah.

00:20:44.000 Right?

00:20:44.000 It's not what the word is.

00:20:46.000 There are certain words that are made to make you feel bad.

00:20:50.000 The N-word is made specifically to make you feel bad. 0.95

00:20:53.000 Unless you're a black guy. 0.98

00:20:55.000 Right. 0.99

00:20:55.000 And you're using it with your friends. 0.99

00:20:56.000 Right.

00:20:56.000 And even then, it is.

00:20:58.000 Like, you can use it however you want, but the designation of the word, right, is to make you feel bad.

00:21:03.000 That's what it's designed for.

00:21:05.000 That's what it was designed for, but I think black people have successfully taken a word that was negative and empowered it. 0.96

00:21:12.000 Sure.

00:21:12.000 To the point where it's laughing, fun.

00:21:15.000 Absolutely.

00:21:16.000 They're having good times and bad times.

00:21:18.000 You could use it to describe a powerful person.

00:21:20.000 Yeah.

00:21:20.000 You could use it to describe an amazing artist, an amazing athlete.

00:21:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:21:25.000 You could use it in all the ways.

00:21:27.000 It's the most fluid word.

00:21:29.000 It's unbelievable.

00:21:29.000 It's an incredible word in terms of its ability to be used.

00:21:34.000 It's almost like the word fuck. 0.99

00:21:37.000 Right? 1.00

00:21:38.000 Like you could stub your toe and fuck. 1.00

00:21:40.000 Or you could see a Ferrari go fuck. 1.00

00:21:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:21:43.000 Do you know in Brazilian, it's the word cum they use for that? 1.00

00:21:48.000 Wait, what? 0.95

00:21:48.000 Yeah. 0.95

00:21:49.000 It's poha. 0.88

00:21:50.000 Poha.

00:21:51.000 Okay.

00:21:51.000 So like, you know, like someone will catch a guy in a choke and go poha.

00:21:56.000 Like that's a good thing. 0.99

00:21:57.000 Or you fuck up yourself. 0.99

00:21:59.000 You're like, ah, poha. 1.00

00:22:00.000 I forgot my keys.

00:22:01.000 In Spanish it's a puta madre.

00:22:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:03.000 Which means, like, mother bitch. 1.00

00:22:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:04.000 But it's like, it could be a good thing. 1.00

00:22:06.000 But that makes sense. 1.00

00:22:08.000 Like, mother bitch. 1.00

00:22:09.000 God damn it. 1.00

00:22:10.000 But cum doesn't even make any sense. 0.99

00:22:12.000 Like, I was trying to... 0.74

00:22:13.000 But the feeling of it.

00:22:14.000 I guess.

00:22:15.000 When you cum, it's like, that is the sensation. 0.77

00:22:17.000 Like, that was so good. 0.99

00:22:18.000 Watching you do that almost felt like me nutting. 1.00

00:22:21.000 And it could be bad in that, like, your dick tricked you into fucking this girl you've been trying to avoid. 1.00

00:22:26.000 And then you cum and you're like, fuck! 1.00

00:22:29.000 That is. 1.00

00:22:29.000 There's regret. 1.00

00:22:31.000 Everybody...

00:22:32.000 Women will never understand post-nut syndrome. 1.00

00:22:34.000 I do not think they understand it.

00:22:36.000 Describe post-nut syndrome because this is something exclusive to us.

00:22:38.000 Yes.

00:22:39.000 Like, I don't know I like you until I come.

00:22:41.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:22:42.000 Right?

00:22:42.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:22:43.000 You do not know. 1.00

00:22:44.000 And that's why it's so fucked up when women think we're fuckboys or we're pieces of shit as dudes. 1.00

00:22:49.000 It's like, you don't get it. 1.00

00:22:50.000 I think I like you.

00:22:52.000 Right.

00:22:52.000 Everything I'm saying to you, I believe.

00:22:54.000 Right. 0.99

00:22:55.000 And my dick is just like, we're going to find out. 0.99

00:22:57.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:22:59.000 And there are times where you nut, and it's like, damn. 0.99

00:23:03.000 Yeah, you realize you made a mistake. 0.98

00:23:05.000 Especially if the woman is really into you, and you're really not into her, and you're like, oh, I made an error. 1.00

00:23:11.000 And then you do feel like an asshole. 1.00

00:23:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:23:13.000 But if you say that to them, they're like, yeah, I'm a fucking asshole. 1.00

00:23:16.000 I'm like, I'm just being honest with you. 1.00

00:23:17.000 Biology.

00:23:17.000 I got tricked by genetics.

00:23:19.000 Yeah, why can't that be my biology?

00:23:21.000 Why can't I feel...

00:23:22.000 So for women, let me explain what this is like. 1.00

00:23:24.000 You have this...

00:23:26.000 It's like finding out your guy was poor.

00:23:28.000 This is what it's like.

00:23:29.000 This is how I describe it. 0.97

00:23:30.000 Having an erection and getting excited is like sitting in the backseat of a really long bus. 0.97

00:23:36.000 And there's some other guy up there driving the bus. 0.97

00:23:39.000 Most of the time, you're driving the bus. 1.00

00:23:40.000 Not when your dick is hard. 1.00

00:23:42.000 When your dick is hard, there's some other guy driving the bus. 1.00

00:23:44.000 And all the windows are rolled down. 1.00

00:23:46.000 There's papers flying around.

00:23:47.000 The horn's honking.

00:23:48.000 Dah, dah.

00:23:49.000 And you're looking at life taking place through a dirty windshield 100 feet away from you. 1.00

00:23:54.000 And you're like, do you even know where the fuck you're going? 0.99

00:23:56.000 We passed the stop! 1.00

00:23:58.000 And your dick's like, just shut the fuck up and calm down. 1.00

00:24:02.000 I got this. 1.00

00:24:03.000 And then when you come, all of a sudden, the fog parts, and you're at the front of the bus holding the wheel.

00:24:10.000 And you're like, what?

00:24:12.000 What am I doing here?

00:24:12.000 How'd I get here?

00:24:13.000 Ah! 1.00

00:24:14.000 And you look down at your dick. 1.00

00:24:15.000 You motherfucker. 1.00

00:24:17.000 Bro, it's being a werewolf. 1.00

00:24:18.000 Yeah.

00:24:19.000 It is being a werewolf.

00:24:20.000 Right?

00:24:20.000 Isn't that what it's a metaphor for?

00:24:21.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:22.000 You're this ravenous creature. 1.00

00:24:23.000 You're running around doing crazy shit. 1.00

00:24:25.000 And then you wake up in the morning naked. 1.00

00:24:26.000 Terrified.

00:24:27.000 Covered in blood.

00:24:27.000 Yeah.

00:24:28.000 Well, fuck. 1.00

00:24:28.000 Sometimes. 1.00

00:24:29.000 Sometimes. 0.99

00:24:30.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:24:31.000 What did I do? 0.99

00:24:32.000 What did I do?

00:24:33.000 I gotta turn myself in.

00:24:35.000 Yeah, it's terrible.

00:24:37.000 But that's one of the reasons why, you know, it's so hilarious when you see someone who is a stereotypical male feminist. 0.99

00:24:47.000 Because, you know, they barely have enough testosterone to keep their heart beating.

00:24:51.000 And they probably don't get post-nut syndrome because they just want everyone to love them.

00:24:56.000 And they're in this weird state of, you know, Benedict Arnold.

00:25:01.000 They're being a gender traitor. 1.00

00:25:03.000 That's really what's going on.

00:25:04.000 It's a lot of what it is.

00:25:05.000 There are men that want women to be valued. 1.00

00:25:08.000 Trying to get pussy, man. 1.00

00:25:09.000 That's what they do as a hustle. 1.00

00:25:11.000 There's men that want women to have all the same opportunities and equality, and they want to value them as human beings.

00:25:20.000 And that's all real.

00:25:21.000 That is real. 1.00

00:25:23.000 There's way more sneaky, weak fucks that are pretending they think like this. 1.00

00:25:29.000 Because they know that women go, good, good, you're on our side. 1.00

00:25:32.000 You're an ally.

00:25:33.000 Come over here, ally. 0.97

00:25:34.000 You're a male ally.

00:25:36.000 And they're always these, like, weaselly little dudes with tiny hands.

00:25:41.000 Even if they're big, they're awkward and they've had a hard time with women. 0.99

00:25:46.000 And so they just shit on these men who they feel they're in competition with. 0.99

00:25:51.000 Yep. 0.99

00:25:52.000 Complete hater move.

00:25:53.000 Absolutely.

00:25:54.000 You see it in everything.

00:25:55.000 You see it in comedy.

00:25:55.000 It's like, oh, I can't do that type of comedy, so I'm going to make that comedy radioactive so that this is the only type of comedy that's allowed.

00:26:03.000 Yeah.

00:26:04.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:26:05.000 Hey, that comedy is...

00:26:06.000 So, for example, like...

00:26:08.000 It doesn't have to be comedy.

00:26:09.000 It could really be any kind of situation.

00:26:11.000 You're just trying to carve out the market share.

00:26:14.000 You're like, ooh, that comedy's dirty.

00:26:15.000 That's edgy. 0.95

00:26:16.000 That's sexist.

00:26:17.000 That's bigoted.

00:26:17.000 Censor it.

00:26:18.000 Censor it. 1.00

00:26:19.000 All that's saying is, I don't want to compete with pussy with those guys. 1.00

00:26:22.000 It's a little bit of that, but it's also the same thing you see with the right versus the left. 0.99

00:26:27.000 There's a lot of people online from each side that want to censor the opinions of the other people.

00:26:32.000 For sure.

00:26:32.000 Instead of having a better opinion, they want to shut that opinion off.

00:26:35.000 Exactly.

00:26:37.000 And when they don't have a better opinion, they just make you radioactive so they don't even have to talk to you. 0.99

00:26:42.000 You're racist! 1.00

00:26:43.000 Hey, Joe Rogan, you're racist! 0.99

00:26:44.000 What do you mean? 0.92

00:26:45.000 Let's talk about it.

00:26:46.000 You're like, I don't talk to racists?

00:26:47.000 Ooh, that was clever what you did.

00:26:49.000 You see what I'm saying?

00:26:50.000 I went through that.

00:26:51.000 The second I had an opinion that went against the grain, immediately I'm labeled as something that they don't even have to have a dialogue with.

00:26:58.000 Right, they just shut you down. 0.97

00:27:00.000 Oh, you're a white supremacist. 1.00

00:27:01.000 Exactly. 0.98

00:27:02.000 Oh, you're alt-right.

00:27:02.000 Oh, you're this, you're that.

00:27:04.000 Yeah, it's a simple, weak way to end a conversation.

00:27:08.000 But all it does is...

00:27:10.000 It only works...

00:27:11.000 It's like a magic trick.

00:27:14.000 It only works if you don't know what they're trying to do.

00:27:16.000 So what percentage...

00:27:18.000 Of the population knows it, right?

00:27:20.000 That's the question I've been trying to wrap my head around.

00:27:23.000 You and I can sit here and see this all day, but I think most people are seeking confirmation, not information, right?

00:27:32.000 I think most people, they start out their day going, I feel this way.

00:27:35.000 It could be right, left, central.

00:27:37.000 It doesn't matter.

00:27:37.000 And then they're seeking out information that confirms that information.

00:27:41.000 You know what?

00:27:41.000 There's a parallel to that with what we were talking about with stand-up comedy in your career.

00:27:45.000 Because the reason why those people seek out confirmation rather than information is because they're insecure.

00:27:51.000 They're not at a good place.

00:27:52.000 But once you're in a good place, everything feels good.

00:27:56.000 Say if you're in a good relationship and you have a good woman in your life and you're happy and everything's going well, then you see a lot of things for what they are.

00:28:06.000 Versus if you're in the hunt, you're trying to get people to love you.

00:28:10.000 You know what I mean?

00:28:11.000 You don't have any excess.

00:28:12.000 I mean, this is a weird segue to it, but I've never did a lot of drugs, but I tried Molly at Burning Man, and it was the first time that I experienced, maybe outside of comedy, but the first time I experienced having extra love.

00:28:28.000 Yeah.

00:28:28.000 Right?

00:28:28.000 So instead of operating on a deficit and like trying to make you laugh so I filled a void or like trying to say something interesting so I filled a void, I had extra.

00:28:36.000 And what I did with the extra without even realizing it is I called my closest friends and my parents and I just told them how special they were.

00:28:44.000 Now, I didn't realize that until years later that that's what you do with excess.

00:28:50.000 Yeah.

00:28:50.000 Right?

00:28:50.000 So how do I get to excess without drugs?

00:28:54.000 Right?

00:28:56.000 The question for me was also, how do I find fulfillment in shit that is not in other people's hands? 0.99

00:29:03.000 When we were talking to the Comedy Store, what I fucking love about the LA scene right now is that comics have control of it, right? 0.98

00:29:10.000 So it's like comics are pushing the comedy culture right now, and it's because they're empowered. 0.53

00:29:15.000 You guys have money.

00:29:16.000 You guys have sustainability with your fans.

00:29:20.000 You're not going, am I going to get another pilot with Comedy Central?

00:29:22.000 That's how it used to be here.

00:29:24.000 Of course. 0.97

00:29:25.000 When the industry ran it, comedy sucked. 1.00

00:29:26.000 You guys were talking about fucking unicycles and shit, right? 1.00

00:29:28.000 And that's why... 1.00

00:29:29.000 No, it's true.

00:29:31.000 And look...

00:29:33.000 We would come out from New York and we would come out and we'd be kind of disillusioned at the comedy scene back here.

00:29:38.000 And maybe that was like some New York, West Coast, East Coast beef or whatever.

00:29:41.000 But what's funny is how the ecosystem always balances itself.

00:29:44.000 Because as soft as comedy was out here, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this show called Roast Battle pops up.

00:29:52.000 Right?

00:29:53.000 The hardest show.

00:29:54.000 The hardest show.

00:29:55.000 Bro.

00:29:56.000 Like, wild!

00:29:57.000 It's so wild!

00:29:59.000 Insane!

00:29:59.000 But here's a perfect example.

00:30:01.000 Comedy Central took that and they half-watered it.

00:30:04.000 Of course.

00:30:04.000 They cut it like they would sell cocaine.

00:30:07.000 Yeah.

00:30:07.000 Right, you're not getting a pure.

00:30:08.000 No.

00:30:09.000 You're not getting it from Columbia.

00:30:10.000 Not even remotely.

00:30:11.000 They took all the juicy stuff out.

00:30:13.000 Took the authenticity right out.

00:30:14.000 But it was real for a minute. 0.98

00:30:15.000 But you can go there still on Tuesday night and that place gets fucking wild. 0.96

00:30:20.000 I get sad. 0.86

00:30:21.000 What do you mean?

00:30:22.000 I feel sad for some people that get toasted up there.

00:30:24.000 I saw a joke.

00:30:25.000 There was some kid who's not retarded, but what is it? 0.97

00:30:29.000 Cerebral palsy.

00:30:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:30:30.000 And he's up there with his palsy, and the other guy goes, he goes, he goes, you look like your arms drew your legs.

00:30:39.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:30:41.000 Bro, I fucking howled, dude. 0.99

00:30:45.000 We were fucking... 1.00

00:30:46.000 He's up there fucking shaking. 1.00

00:30:47.000 So fucked up. 1.00

00:30:48.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:30:49.000 Oh, my God.

00:30:49.000 He said he looks like someone put your body in a blender.

00:30:52.000 No, he looks like someone put your voodoo doll in a blender. 0.96

00:30:55.000 Oh, my God.

00:30:55.000 Bro, it was so ruthless, but that's what it needed to balance the system.

00:30:59.000 Right?

00:31:00.000 Well, it definitely helped.

00:31:02.000 You know, there's a bunch of factors, but what roast battle is...

00:31:05.000 First of all, there's...

00:31:08.000 There's good things and bad things about, first of all, Brian Moses, the guy who hosted it, is one of the nicest guys on the planet Earth.

00:31:14.000 And that helps.

00:31:15.000 And then also he says, you know, it never gets physical.

00:31:18.000 At the end, we all hug.

00:31:20.000 Like, there's good in that.

00:31:21.000 Of course.

00:31:22.000 You know, and then when people go after each other, like, there's a guilty pleasure to it that doesn't exist anymore.

00:31:28.000 Yeah.

00:31:29.000 It's like there's a guilty pleasure to that kind of humor.

00:31:32.000 It's very hard to get. 0.93

00:31:33.000 If you're a fan of that kind of fucking vicious, awful comedy, it's very difficult to get anymore because people don't roast each other anymore. 0.97

00:31:40.000 No, they're afraid. 0.98

00:31:41.000 Yeah, they're afraid.

00:31:43.000 And they're soft.

00:31:45.000 These kids are soft, man.

00:31:47.000 We've got to stop blaming kids.

00:31:48.000 We've just got to start blaming parents.

00:31:51.000 My parents were hard.

00:31:51.000 Maybe my mom's an immigrant.

00:31:53.000 Maybe that's what it is.

00:31:53.000 She's Scottish.

00:31:54.000 But, like, my parents were tough.

00:31:56.000 Like, my mom let me punch my brother in the face once because he, like, pulled my backpack or something.

00:32:02.000 I remember, like, he, like, pulled my backpack.

00:32:04.000 I was like, Mom, you pulled my backpack. 0.87

00:32:05.000 Can I just punch him? 0.55

00:32:06.000 She's like, once. 0.99

00:32:07.000 That's hilarious.

00:32:07.000 She just let me punch him, right?

00:32:09.000 And it was like, for her, when she grew up, that's what brothers did.

00:32:13.000 Yeah.

00:32:14.000 And, like, people always do it.

00:32:16.000 You know, I know you have some guys come on the show and they talk about how, like, it's happening at the college level.

00:32:20.000 Like, we're entitling these kids.

00:32:21.000 It's like, no.

00:32:23.000 It's happening in elementary school.

00:32:25.000 It's when these kids...

00:32:28.000 My boy Marco pointed this out to me.

00:32:29.000 Both his parents are teachers in Rhode Island. 0.99

00:32:31.000 He's like, what happens is these fucking kids complain about their teacher in school, right? 0.99

00:32:36.000 And when you and I were in school, our parents would go, well, yeah, sometimes your teacher don't like you, so figure it out. 0.99

00:32:42.000 And now these kids go, well, mom, dad, the teacher doesn't like me.

00:32:46.000 Well, let's switch you out of this school.

00:32:47.000 Let's switch your teacher. 0.98

00:32:48.000 Let's get your teacher fired. 1.00

00:32:49.000 So they start thinking the world bends around them, right?

00:32:53.000 Yeah.

00:32:54.000 And then... 0.99

00:32:55.000 Now the shit with the colleges, it's like, I can't get into USC. He's like, oh, don't worry. 0.99

00:32:59.000 We'll figure out how to get you into USC. That fucking college thing is nuts. 1.00

00:33:04.000 But we'll get to that. 0.99

00:33:05.000 But I want to know, what do you think is the root of the softness?

00:33:09.000 Like, what is the shift?

00:33:11.000 Why?

00:33:12.000 What's the shift?

00:33:13.000 I know exactly what it is.

00:33:15.000 You know when...

00:33:19.000 Power is taken.

00:33:20.000 It's not given.

00:33:21.000 It's taken.

00:33:22.000 You have to take it. 1.00

00:33:23.000 You have to rip it out of somebody's fucking hands. 1.00

00:33:24.000 Right? 0.99

00:33:25.000 And after you take power out of someone's hands, that's the last thing you take.

00:33:31.000 It's give.

00:33:32.000 Right?

00:33:32.000 If you have the right constitution.

00:33:34.000 You have the right constitution for power.

00:33:36.000 What have you done with your power?

00:33:38.000 You've...

00:33:39.000 Uplifted a comedy scene.

00:33:41.000 You do these shows where you host them at the improv.

00:33:44.000 That's not for you.

00:33:45.000 That's for comedy.

00:33:46.000 You're hosting shows at these different places.

00:33:48.000 You can sell out arenas.

00:33:50.000 But you're choosing to do shows in this city, I'm assuming, because you understand the value of giving.

00:33:55.000 You're operating with excess.

00:33:57.000 There's a little bit of that, but honestly, the shows are for me.

00:34:00.000 To work out?

00:34:01.000 Yeah, to work out.

00:34:02.000 But you could do an hour.

00:34:03.000 You don't have to put other comics on it.

00:34:04.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:34:05.000 You don't have to say, Schultz, can you come and do the show tonight?

00:34:07.000 You know what I mean?

00:34:08.000 At the improv on Hollywood.

00:34:09.000 Yeah, which is sold out.

00:34:10.000 I already sold out.

00:34:12.000 I was about to try to help promote, and I was like, does he need me to help?

00:34:15.000 But it's like...

00:34:16.000 So what happens is if you have the right constitution for power, you take and then you provide for your people.

00:34:21.000 You give back.

00:34:22.000 It certainly helps.

00:34:23.000 It helps you.

00:34:24.000 Dude, people don't realize how helping is addictive.

00:34:27.000 Yeah.

00:34:28.000 We can get to that in a little bit, but once you realize the value you get from giving… As long as it's the right person, then you just can't wait. 0.99

00:34:37.000 Yeah, it's a trick to think that you should keep it all to yourself, because when you keep it all to yourself, you feel like shit. 1.00

00:34:42.000 Yeah, you're a piece of shit. 1.00

00:34:43.000 Then you become that weird old miser that lives in the mansion on the top of the hill, and no one can talk to him. 1.00

00:34:48.000 And you're miserable. 0.98

00:34:49.000 Yeah, and you can't go anywhere. 1.00

00:34:50.000 No, it sucks. 0.80

00:34:51.000 And everybody looks at you like, oh, that guy's got all that money. 0.97

00:34:54.000 I've got to figure out how to get his money.

00:34:56.000 Who do you want to be?

00:34:57.000 You want to be Ali?

00:34:58.000 Yeah.

00:34:58.000 Ali walks around any neighborhood he wants.

00:35:00.000 Well, I mean, he's dead, but when he did, no security now.

00:35:03.000 He can knock anybody out, but at the same time, if he just goes, hey guys, give me a second.

00:35:06.000 Even when he was older and he could barely walk, he would just go everywhere.

00:35:10.000 Anywhere you want.

00:35:10.000 People loved him.

00:35:11.000 Because they recognize...

00:35:13.000 Man, we want to follow, but we want to follow the worthy, so we'll test worthiness.

00:35:18.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:35:19.000 So why these kids are so soft is... 1.00

00:35:22.000 The king takes power and then raises a bitch-ass son because he never had to take shit, right? 1.00

00:35:29.000 And he doesn't want his son to go through what he went through, right? 1.00

00:35:32.000 He's like, you know how hard it was to take this power?

00:35:34.000 I got one foot, you know what I mean?

00:35:36.000 I lost a foot in a power struggle, and now this son, everything's given to him.

00:35:40.000 It's like the spoiled prince in every movie. 1.00

00:35:42.000 You hate that fucking prince. 1.00

00:35:43.000 So I think the generation that's raising kids right now, spoiled princes. 1.00

00:35:47.000 The generation before that, Vietnam. 0.99

00:35:49.000 Right.

00:35:50.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:35:50.000 Like, they understood sacrifice war.

00:35:53.000 Yeah.

00:35:53.000 They understood the investment in the country.

00:35:56.000 And then the generation that came next was just handed shit. 1.00

00:36:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:36:00.000 Hey, everything's good. 0.99

00:36:01.000 Oh, war is just handled over there.

00:36:04.000 I don't got to get drafted.

00:36:05.000 Yes.

00:36:06.000 It's like, no, I almost think we should all be part of it, bro.

00:36:08.000 It's like a regret of mine that I didn't do some sort of service because...

00:36:13.000 It's like, how do you complain at all about the country that you didn't put your life on the line for?

00:36:19.000 There's a lot of countries that have mandatory service, and they have extreme levels of patriotism.

00:36:25.000 It's investment!

00:36:25.000 Like South Korea, for example.

00:36:28.000 They took Dong Yong Kim.

00:36:30.000 Was it...

00:36:31.000 Yeah.

00:36:33.000 No.

00:36:33.000 Who was it?

00:36:36.000 Sam Sun Jung.

00:36:37.000 That's who it was. 0.90

00:36:38.000 The Korean zombie. 0.95

00:36:39.000 That's right. 0.86

00:36:40.000 He took him out of his prime, and he had to do two years of service in the Korean Army.

00:36:46.000 David Robinson, basketball player, had to do that Navy time.

00:36:49.000 Really?

00:36:49.000 Joe, you understand, because we're so detached.

00:36:55.000 And I don't hate on people for not realizing it because we are detached.

00:36:58.000 It's what we do.

00:36:59.000 Like, you know, some child slaves make the iPhone and, you know, we're like, I just go, you can only really be connected to what's in your world, direct world.

00:37:07.000 I'm cool.

00:37:07.000 That's life.

00:37:07.000 It is what it is.

00:37:08.000 There's really no good or bad things just are, you know what I mean?

00:37:10.000 So it's like, that's something to get to, but it is what it is, right?

00:37:14.000 Well, they were trying to do an ethical phone.

00:37:16.000 Remember that phone?

00:37:16.000 What was that phone called again?

00:37:18.000 They were putting together some ethical Android phone.

00:37:24.000 Man, come on.

00:37:25.000 Fair phone.

00:37:26.000 Yeah.

00:37:27.000 It wasn't fair.

00:37:27.000 Nobody bought it.

00:37:28.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:37:29.000 It was expensive. 1.00

00:37:30.000 I don't think it's more expensive.

00:37:33.000 They have a Fairphone, too? 1.00

00:37:35.000 Pull that bitch up. 1.00

00:37:36.000 Let's see what we got. 1.00

00:37:37.000 Let's see if it can fuck with... 1.00

00:37:38.000 I'm trying to get off the Apple tit. 0.99

00:37:40.000 I told you I got this Galaxy Note 9. You're going to come back, bro.

00:37:44.000 Don't say that, bro.

00:37:44.000 You're going to come back, bro.

00:37:45.000 Look how beautiful that screen is.

00:37:46.000 Look at this. 1.00

00:37:47.000 Yeah, but that shit is... 1.00

00:37:48.000 Look at everything. 1.00

00:37:49.000 It's always freezing. 0.99

00:37:50.000 The picture's all pixelated and shit. 0.99

00:37:51.000 No! 0.99

00:37:51.000 That's not true. 0.99

00:37:52.000 Come on, bro.

00:37:52.000 I got a pen.

00:37:53.000 This has a pen.

00:37:54.000 A modular phone that's built to last.

00:37:56.000 What does that mean?

00:37:59.000 That you can attach it to it?

00:38:01.000 A modular phone that's built to last.

00:38:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:38:05.000 So you can add little things.

00:38:07.000 Oh, that's going to break.

00:38:09.000 Definitely not.

00:38:10.000 That can't be waterproof.

00:38:11.000 It says batteries.

00:38:13.000 Are those batteries?

00:38:14.000 Yeah, probably.

00:38:14.000 You can replace the battery?

00:38:15.000 Yeah. 0.95

00:38:15.000 That's ridiculous. 0.95

00:38:16.000 Remember when you used to be able to replace batteries? 0.82

00:38:18.000 You used to pop out the back of your phone?

00:38:20.000 Batteries, bro. 0.99

00:38:21.000 Yeah, I had a Samsung Galaxy 7 or some shit. 0.99

00:38:24.000 Remove a little battery. 0.98

00:38:25.000 Android 7. This motherfucker's got Android 9! 0.99

00:38:28.000 You need to catch the fuck up! 1.00

00:38:30.000 Nah, bro. 0.97

00:38:31.000 What else?

00:38:31.000 Fair materials?

00:38:33.000 Look, there's a white lady in the front. 1.00

00:38:35.000 How fair.

00:38:36.000 Three black guys who are working for her. 0.99

00:38:37.000 What the fuck is fair about that picture? 0.99

00:38:40.000 If you're going to have fair materials, how about you have white guys in their 50s working in a factory and not Chinese babies? 1.00

00:38:47.000 Yo.

00:38:48.000 Right? 1.00

00:38:48.000 What the fuck is this? 1.00

00:38:50.000 We do have to acknowledge, though, that, like... 0.99

00:38:52.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:38:53.000 I mean, make it fair.

00:38:55.000 Make all these people who want to buy iPhones and you want to have your iPhone built by some Asian slave, how about you work for a year in a factory? 1.00

00:39:06.000 It's like the army.

00:39:07.000 You want an iPhone?

00:39:08.000 Put the time in.

00:39:09.000 But we should acknowledge that white women really kind of are superheroes in that way. 1.00

00:39:12.000 White women? 1.00

00:39:13.000 Yeah.

00:39:14.000 How so?

00:39:14.000 Because they're the only people who care about the environment, the only people who care about animals, the only people who build wells in Africa.

00:39:20.000 No, my friend Justin Wren builds wells in the Congo.

00:39:23.000 He's a 6'3".

00:39:25.000 Tranny. 0.99

00:39:28.000 He's a Bellator fucking top 10 heavyweight. 0.99

00:39:31.000 Ask him... 0.97

00:39:31.000 Who are the people helping him? 0.97

00:39:33.000 It's Rebecca, Katie, Phyllis.

00:39:36.000 No, no, no.

00:39:37.000 Phyllis might be too old. 1.00

00:39:37.000 He's got a lot of women that do work for him, but a lot of men that work for him, too. 1.00

00:39:40.000 White women love this shit, bro. 1.00

00:39:42.000 They love this shit. 1.00

00:39:43.000 They're getting it hard right now because I think they're tired of coming at white men, so they're looking for the next... 1.00

00:39:48.000 When the grease is boiling, you got to throw someone in it.

00:39:50.000 But when you want to talk about humanitarians...

00:39:54.000 Right. 1.00

00:39:54.000 Like, who gets fucked by more races than white women? 1.00

00:39:59.000 True. 1.00

00:39:59.000 Like, this is really... 1.00

00:40:01.000 True.

00:40:02.000 Except, who gets the short end of the stick there? 0.99

00:40:05.000 Is that a penis-sized joke? 0.99

00:40:07.000 No. 1.00

00:40:07.000 Asian women. 1.00

00:40:08.000 No, I'm sorry.

00:40:09.000 I was saying Asian men. 1.00

00:40:11.000 Asian men probably fuck the smallest percentage of different races. 1.00

00:40:16.000 Right. 1.00

00:40:17.000 Yes.

00:40:17.000 In America, at least.

00:40:18.000 Yes.

00:40:18.000 I don't know how they rock it in other countries.

00:40:20.000 100%.

00:40:20.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:40:21.000 I think they have some Tinder.

00:40:23.000 They did some Tinder study that showed that.

00:40:25.000 That is a weird thing.

00:40:26.000 Yeah.

00:40:27.000 Because to Asian women, no problem at all. 1.00

00:40:29.000 But to other ethnicities.

00:40:31.000 It's weird that it's not made to size, right?

00:40:33.000 Yeah.

00:40:34.000 How so?

00:40:35.000 Like, you would think that it's made to size, like Lego.

00:40:38.000 Like little tiny women would be into... 1.00

00:40:40.000 No, just like vagina would be like... 1.00

00:40:42.000 I've never thought that Asian pussy was that much smaller than black pussy. 1.00

00:40:48.000 Have you done a lot of work? 1.00

00:40:50.000 I've done research, you know?

00:40:51.000 I have empirical evidence, you know?

00:40:54.000 Yeah.

00:40:54.000 Well, you know, it doesn't make 100% sense.

00:40:59.000 Okay.

00:40:59.000 But...

00:41:00.000 I've met girls that were tiny that you could not fuck hard enough. 1.00

00:41:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:41:06.000 They just open up.

00:41:08.000 But not just that.

00:41:09.000 It's just like they want it like that.

00:41:11.000 They want savage. 1.00

00:41:12.000 They want to get fucking smashed. 0.99

00:41:15.000 Why do you think that is? 1.00

00:41:16.000 Because I think they realize that they're tiny.

00:41:19.000 They have small genes.

00:41:20.000 So they want to get savage genetics inside them so they have survivor children. 1.00

00:41:24.000 I really believe that.

00:41:26.000 I think it only makes sense.

00:41:28.000 Some of the horniest girls I've ever dated in my life weigh about 104 pounds. 1.00

00:41:32.000 And these big brand of Tarts chicks want it real soft. 1.00

00:41:34.000 No, they want a nice beta male. 1.00

00:41:36.000 Because they know that those other little girls are fucking giant dudes. 1.00

00:41:40.000 And they're going to make a normal sized kid. 1.00

00:41:42.000 And they're going to keep going.

00:41:43.000 It's a never ending battle for genetics. 1.00

00:41:46.000 Dude, it really is fucked. 1.00

00:41:47.000 Oh, it's 100%. 1.00

00:41:47.000 It's a never ending battle of genetics. 1.00

00:41:50.000 So then why are these girls fucking these beta dudes, man? 1.00

00:41:53.000 They're not. 0.99

00:41:54.000 If they do, they do it for a little while. 1.00

00:41:56.000 They barely fuck them. 1.00

00:41:57.000 They always say they have headaches. 1.00

00:41:58.000 Listen, I know a lot of beta dudes.

00:42:00.000 Who has headaches?

00:42:01.000 The dudes have headaches?

00:42:02.000 The girl does.

00:42:02.000 Like, I can't.

00:42:03.000 I have a headache.

00:42:04.000 I go to sleep. 1.00

00:42:06.000 They don't want to fuck the guys. 1.00

00:42:08.000 Dude, I had a friend of mine who was dating a guy like that. 1.00

00:42:11.000 And she goes, I really like him. 1.00

00:42:12.000 I just do not want to fuck him. 1.00

00:42:14.000 I was like, wow. 1.00

00:42:16.000 Because why would you?

00:42:16.000 I was like, that was rough.

00:42:18.000 I'm like, what are you going to do? 1.00

00:42:20.000 Don't fuck them. 1.00

00:42:21.000 Dude, it's insane, man. 1.00

00:42:23.000 It's like, I see this all the time.

00:42:24.000 These hardcore, perceivably hardcore feminist chicks, they'll hear my comedy, which could be the opposite of that, and they're in the DMs saying, I don't know why I'm here. 0.99

00:42:38.000 I swear to God!

00:42:39.000 I swear to God!

00:42:41.000 It's a trap house!

00:42:43.000 Exactly!

00:42:44.000 Dude, what is happening?

00:42:46.000 Because I think feminism in general is a direct result of a failure by men to be fair.

00:42:54.000 And a failure by men to be actual men and to raise actual men who treat everybody with respect.

00:43:02.000 When men are abusing women, those men are bullies. 0.99

00:43:06.000 They're weak men. 1.00

00:43:07.000 The kind of man that would do that to a woman, that would physically abuse a woman, that's a weak man. 0.99

00:43:13.000 That's the type of man that would beat up a smaller man or take someone from someone with force. 0.84

00:43:18.000 It's insecure.

00:43:19.000 He needs to feel powerful. 1.00

00:43:20.000 He's a bitch. 1.00

00:43:20.000 Yeah, he's a bitch. 1.00

00:43:21.000 Right. 1.00

00:43:21.000 The antidote for that is to be a strong man. 1.00

00:43:25.000 Right.

00:43:25.000 Like, one of the things I've been telling people, like, this is how you fix bullying in school.

00:43:29.000 Okay.

00:43:29.000 Teach them how to fight.

00:43:31.000 Not the bullies.

00:43:32.000 I mean, not just the victims, but the bullies themselves.

00:43:35.000 Teach everyone how to fight.

00:43:36.000 When they feel confidence that they can defend themselves, they don't have to... 0.98

00:43:39.000 You know the nicest fucking people in the world? 0.98

00:43:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:43:41.000 Martial artists. 0.99

00:43:43.000 You're right.

00:43:43.000 You go and go to martial arts gyms.

00:43:44.000 Go to a jiu-jitsu gym.

00:43:45.000 I'll take you. 0.99

00:43:46.000 They're the fucking nicest people. 0.98

00:43:48.000 Yeah, because they know. 0.98

00:43:48.000 Hugging everybody and friendly. 0.98

00:43:50.000 And they're gonna choke each other half to death in about five minutes. 0.54

00:43:54.000 And before that, they're all fun, happy, playful.

00:43:57.000 They're so secure.

00:43:58.000 And outside of there, they're so secure and relaxed.

00:44:00.000 They're a different type of person.

00:44:02.000 Obviously, not all of them.

00:44:04.000 People are weird.

00:44:05.000 For the most part, yeah.

00:44:05.000 We vary wildly, right?

00:44:08.000 But almost always to a human, the mean ones, whether it's mean women or mean men, are weak. 0.91

00:44:15.000 Wildly insecure, yeah. 0.89

00:44:15.000 They're weak. 0.89

00:44:16.000 The mean women... 1.00

00:44:17.000 Women will tell you this. 1.00

00:44:18.000 If they work at an office and they've got a female boss that's a cunt, that is one of the worst fucking... 1.00

00:44:24.000 Because you can't even fuck her. 1.00

00:44:26.000 There's nothing you can do. 1.00

00:44:28.000 There's nothing you can do to make that bitch happy. 1.00

00:44:30.000 She wants to take from you. 1.00

00:44:32.000 She wants to squeeze your blood. 1.00

00:44:33.000 At least if you're cute and your boss is disgusting and he's a fucking asshole, you could flirt with him a little bit and you could maybe get him to like you more. 1.00

00:44:43.000 Don't do it. 1.00

00:44:44.000 Obviously don't do that.

00:44:45.000 But with the female boss, you have to have a personality. 1.00

00:44:47.000 You can't do shit! 1.00

00:44:48.000 Shocking! 1.00

00:44:49.000 With the female boss, not even that. 1.00

00:44:51.000 A lot of women don't like women. 1.00

00:44:53.000 Right. 1.00

00:44:53.000 One of the things that I love more than anything is when I talk to women and they'll do this thing where they look around to make sure no one's looking, no one's around, and I go, look, I would never say this publicly, but some bitches are fucking crazy. 1.00

00:45:06.000 That's what we do with, like, racist shit. 1.00

00:45:09.000 Didn't Burr have that bit about like, you look around and then you slide in? 1.00

00:45:14.000 The thing about these...

00:45:15.000 Yes!

00:45:16.000 Well, women feel like they've got momentum in this little war of ideas with the Me Too movement and Bill Cosby getting arrested and R. Kelly getting arrested and Harvey Weinstein.

00:45:29.000 In my opinion, and I bet you think this too, these are good things. 0.98

00:45:33.000 When shitty men... 0.99

00:45:34.000 Get put away or they get arrested for abusing people, whether it's they're physically abusing men or physically abusing women. 0.99

00:45:42.000 It's always good.

00:45:43.000 You shouldn't be physically abusing people.

00:45:45.000 Get them out of here.

00:45:45.000 We used to beat those guys up.

00:45:47.000 I mean, this is handled in the community when we were younger.

00:45:50.000 Teenagers.

00:45:50.000 Hey, blah, blah, blah, you know, was rough with this, whatever.

00:45:53.000 Who was rough?

00:45:54.000 Right.

00:45:54.000 And we went over there.

00:45:55.000 Imagine if you were married and Harvey Weinstein tried to fuck your wife and she went in on an audition and you knew that there was all these security guards and all these fucking levels before you got to him and your wife got into that level and he was treating her like shit and being mean to her and telling her if you want to work in this town, 1.00

00:46:11.000 you got to suck this little fat dick. 1.00

00:46:14.000 You'd be very, very, very angry. 1.00

00:46:18.000 I'm shocked.

00:46:19.000 Didn't Brad Pitt try to step to him or something like that?

00:46:21.000 He did step to him, apparently.

00:46:22.000 And did he swing on him?

00:46:23.000 I don't know what he did.

00:46:24.000 I think he threatened him. 0.98

00:46:26.000 That's the other thing that's fucked up about this. 0.94

00:46:29.000 There's gonna be wine scenes. 0.80

00:46:31.000 Yeah.

00:46:31.000 Like, these people are gonna exist.

00:46:33.000 Well, listen, man.

00:46:33.000 They still exist.

00:46:34.000 Yeah, they still do.

00:46:35.000 I was hearing about one last night.

00:46:36.000 I can't tell you.

00:46:38.000 Because I don't...

00:46:39.000 Wait, he's a television personality. 0.99

00:46:41.000 He's apparently a closeted homosexual. 0.99

00:46:44.000 Oh, and he's out there. 0.99

00:46:45.000 Yeah, and he's out there like...

00:46:46.000 With dudes.

00:46:46.000 Yeah, just...

00:46:48.000 Going hard.

00:46:49.000 I don't know.

00:46:51.000 He's trying.

00:46:51.000 Really?

00:46:52.000 He's trying and making him uncomfortable.

00:46:53.000 Really?

00:46:54.000 Really.

00:46:55.000 How well known?

00:46:56.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:46:57.000 Bullshit. 1.00

00:46:58.000 We'll talk later. 1.00

00:47:00.000 But what I'm saying is, they exist.

00:47:02.000 You want to tell me so bad?

00:47:03.000 They exist!

00:47:05.000 We gotta go talk to him afterwards. 1.00

00:47:06.000 There's crazy fuckers out there that are still rolling at old school. 1.00

00:47:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:47:11.000 They want to get caught. 1.00

00:47:12.000 Gwyneth Paltrow, Brad Pitt threatened to kill Harvey Weinstein. 0.82

00:47:14.000 Yeah, but you gotta swing on him. 0.96

00:47:15.000 That's my man.

00:47:16.000 But you gotta swing on him, bro.

00:47:17.000 I believe it.

00:47:17.000 You gotta leave some marks.

00:47:18.000 I believe it.

00:47:19.000 But it depends on what Harvey did versus if he grabbed her and did anything to her physically, then you gotta swing on him. 1.00

00:47:26.000 But if he just said something creepy and you tell him, I will take your fucking life. 1.00

00:47:31.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:47:32.000 I'll take your life. 0.94

00:47:33.000 Well, I think the issue with these things is like we know we're going to have Weinsteins, but the people that protected Weinstein, like the second you complain about a guy for groping or doing something crazy, right? 0.97

00:47:45.000 Mm-hmm.

00:47:47.000 That woman is doing exactly what she's supposed to do. 1.00

00:47:49.000 She experienced some sexual assault and she's telling.

00:47:53.000 Now, if you silence her and shut her up, that's where the system falls apart.

00:47:57.000 So whoever is protecting him throughout, they got to go too.

00:48:01.000 Because that woman did exactly what she was supposed to do. 0.89

00:48:05.000 There's going to be Weinsteins throughout life, unfortunately.

00:48:09.000 That's the real question.

00:48:09.000 What about the support staff?

00:48:11.000 How many people?

00:48:12.000 All of them are almost...

00:48:13.000 They're not worse because they're not doing it, but they're so bad because they stripped the person who was assaulted from...

00:48:23.000 Not only equality, but they stripped her from life in a way. 0.98

00:48:27.000 They made that person go, oh shit, life isn't fair and I don't have a shot. 0.98

00:48:33.000 Do you know the expression diffusion of responsibility? 0.99

00:48:36.000 It comes when there's large groups of people that watch something and feel like someone's going to step in.

00:48:41.000 It's like that lady, Genovese's or something.

00:48:44.000 Remember that there was some woman who was getting raped in Queens and she was screaming for like 40 minutes and there was all these neighbors around like, yeah, I heard it, but I thought Ted was on it.

00:48:52.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:48:53.000 You didn't hear about this?

00:48:53.000 No.

00:48:54.000 I think Katie Genovese's or some shit. 0.98

00:48:56.000 It's an old story, but everybody's like, oh, they'll get it. 0.98

00:48:59.000 It's the same kind of thing.

00:49:00.000 Well, it's just how corporations work.

00:49:03.000 So if you're working for a corporation, the corporation's dumping pollutants into the river, you feel like, well, it's not my responsibility.

00:49:10.000 I just work here in accounting.

00:49:12.000 Somebody else is going to handle this. 0.92

00:49:15.000 And I think if you're working in the Weinstein company and you knew Harvey was out there slinging dick, first of all, In their defense, you probably didn't know the specifics, right? 1.00

00:49:27.000 Because it's like, oh, Harvey's a dog, he's always out there trying to fuck. 1.00

00:49:31.000 Well, that's sort of normal. 1.00

00:49:34.000 People have to understand this.

00:49:36.000 Why does a guy like that get rich?

00:49:39.000 Why does he get rich?

00:49:40.000 Is he like some patron of the arts who loves creating?

00:49:44.000 Maybe!

00:49:44.000 Maybe there's a little bit.

00:49:45.000 Maybe he likes power.

00:49:47.000 Yes.

00:49:47.000 If you like power, why do you like that power?

00:49:49.000 What are you getting out of that power once you have a Ferrari, once you have a Mercedes, once you have a mansion?

00:49:53.000 What are you getting? 1.00

00:49:54.000 You're getting pussy, baby. 1.00

00:49:57.000 Pussy. 1.00

00:49:57.000 That's what you're getting. 1.00

00:49:58.000 You're getting pussy. 1.00

00:49:59.000 And it's not even about the pussy. 1.00

00:50:00.000 Right. 1.00

00:50:00.000 It's about power. 1.00

00:50:02.000 Right.

00:50:02.000 It's about power.

00:50:03.000 So much of this shit. 1.00

00:50:04.000 Like even these pedophiles, I don't even believe anybody's attracted to kids. 1.00

00:50:07.000 Well, they definitely are.

00:50:08.000 I don't believe it.

00:50:09.000 I believe they're attracted to power, and they're so wildly insecure that they need to be looked at like a god.

00:50:16.000 And children, when they look at you, somebody that they admire, something they truly look up to, etc., they can look at you in that godlike state.

00:50:24.000 And so I don't think it's a physical thing.

00:50:27.000 Like I was watching that abducted in plain sight.

00:50:29.000 He gets whacked off by the dad, right? 0.93

00:50:32.000 Right. 0.93

00:50:33.000 What?

00:50:33.000 You didn't see this abducted in plain sight, bro?

00:50:35.000 No.

00:50:35.000 Oh my god.

00:50:36.000 Bro, this guy, this pedophile destroys the whole family, bro. 1.00

00:50:38.000 Oh, Jesus. 1.00

00:50:39.000 To get to the daughter, he fucks the mom and dad. 1.00

00:50:44.000 What is this? 1.00

00:50:44.000 This is insane. 1.00

00:50:46.000 Is this on Netflix?

00:50:47.000 Netflix, yes.

00:50:48.000 And they censor comedy.

00:50:50.000 I can't.

00:50:50.000 Imagine that?

00:50:51.000 Imagine jokes.

00:50:52.000 Well, they don't censor comedy, though.

00:50:54.000 Who knows?

00:50:54.000 They don't.

00:50:55.000 They haven't censored mine.

00:50:57.000 You know what I'm saying.

00:50:58.000 But it's like, we're the bad guys, essentially.

00:51:01.000 But my point is...

00:51:02.000 That is a crazy story.

00:51:04.000 It's the dynamic of power. 0.57

00:51:06.000 People say the Catholic Church makes these people pedophiles.

00:51:10.000 No.

00:51:11.000 They have that thirst for power and they're going, who in my community has that amazing power where they're looking at him as this godlike figure?

00:51:21.000 Oh, it was the priest at our Catholic Church.

00:51:23.000 That sounds like an evil choice.

00:51:25.000 Okay.

00:51:41.000 And they developed this imprinting.

00:51:44.000 The vast majority of people who are abusers were abused themselves. 1.00

00:51:49.000 And there's some horrible hijacking of the psychology of the person when you're a six-year-old boy and some grown man has cock in your ass. 1.00

00:51:58.000 There's something about that. 1.00

00:52:00.000 That it fucks with their head, especially if it happens a lot and it becomes a part of your life and the guy's nice to you as well and buys you things and does things for you.

00:52:10.000 And then you get older and you, for whatever reason, perpetrate this same horror on other kids. 0.99

00:52:17.000 This is something that happens.

00:52:19.000 I don't know.

00:52:20.000 I think it's, maybe it's a combination of both, right?

00:52:22.000 Maybe you have that imprinting, right?

00:52:25.000 And then it creates this massive void that you need filled.

00:52:29.000 I think so much of everything that we do, everything that people do is about filling the void.

00:52:34.000 And what is it that you need the void filled with dictates how often, if you're evil, sometimes if you're good.

00:52:41.000 There are some people that are addicted to working out, right?

00:52:44.000 There's a void there.

00:52:45.000 They need it filled.

00:52:45.000 Some people are addicted to eating.

00:52:47.000 Those are the same addiction, essentially.

00:52:49.000 But...

00:52:50.000 One is a lot better to have than the other.

00:52:54.000 Even with Kanye, right?

00:52:58.000 I see Kanye as this guy who's just wildly insecure and he's trying to justify his coolness constantly by taking things that are not cool at all and making them cool within a community,

00:53:14.000 within his community, right?

00:53:15.000 So it's like...

00:53:17.000 Everything Kanye does, like, down to, like, it started with, like, the wasp culture. 0.98

00:53:20.000 I'm gonna take, like, preppy New England, you know, polos that are pink and shit, and I'm gonna make that cool. 1.00

00:53:25.000 Now, before, the hip-hop community, I mean, I grew up in New York, we were like, yo, that's some gay shit, bro, what the fuck is that? 1.00

00:53:30.000 Now, Kanye wears this, like, nah, you gotta look fly in this, these pink waspy things in my khakis, whatever. 0.99

00:53:35.000 Then he takes grunge culture, right? 0.98

00:53:37.000 That's, fuck, have you seen the, right, the ripped sweater? 0.99

00:53:43.000 I'm so cool. 0.99

00:53:48.000 I'm so cool.

00:53:48.000 You think my community loves cool sneakers?

00:53:50.000 I'm gonna make dad sneakers cool.

00:53:53.000 And then what is the most uncool thing to his community?

00:53:56.000 What?

00:53:57.000 Trump.

00:53:59.000 And what does he try to make cool?

00:54:02.000 It's selfish.

00:54:03.000 It's all about him.

00:54:05.000 All he cares is about proving that he's that dude and he takes the most uncool thing and puts it on his head and he's like, yo, I'm going to make MAGA cool. 1.00

00:54:15.000 And that's when people are like, at least his community was like, nah, we're not going to play with that shit. 0.99

00:54:20.000 You know what I think? 0.99

00:54:21.000 I think, you know how like you have something that's supposed to take like 8 volts?

00:54:25.000 You have like a charger.

00:54:26.000 Yeah.

00:54:27.000 It's supposed to take like 8 volts. 0.99

00:54:27.000 Like when you go to Europe and you plug your shit in? 0.99

00:54:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:54:29.000 Well, like when you plug something into the wall, like we have alternating current. 0.99

00:54:34.000 Like you could have something that takes way more amperage.

00:54:36.000 Right.

00:54:36.000 I think Kanye has the wrong plug to the universe.

00:54:41.000 Right.

00:54:42.000 And in a good way.

00:54:43.000 Okay. 1.00

00:54:43.000 Where that motherfucker's getting like 100 volts all the time. 1.00

00:54:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:54:47.000 So he wants to deal... 1.00

00:54:48.000 Have you ever talked to him?

00:54:49.000 No.

00:54:49.000 I talked to him on the phone and it was a stream of consciousness that was so intense.

00:54:54.000 I was like, okay, now I get it.

00:54:56.000 I kind of go...

00:54:57.000 We had a long conversation.

00:54:58.000 He's a very nice guy.

00:54:59.000 Yeah.

00:54:59.000 We had a long conversation for like 15, 20 minutes on the phone, which is a long conversation these days on the phone.

00:55:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:55:05.000 Who the fuck talks on the phone anymore? 1.00

00:55:06.000 He does. 1.00

00:55:07.000 Yeah.

00:55:08.000 But I think he's getting 100 volts, bro.

00:55:11.000 I think he's got design going through his head and new song lyrics and new fashion and all this.

00:55:19.000 And I think he's just catching whatever he can and holding on to it and wading through the waves.

00:55:25.000 To fill, though.

00:55:26.000 Joe, to fill.

00:55:27.000 There's a little bit of that, but with him, it's almost like affirming that he's okay.

00:55:32.000 Because he's so much different than everybody else.

00:55:34.000 Like Elon Musk, like a lot of other people.

00:55:36.000 Sure.

00:55:37.000 What's up?

00:55:38.000 When he used the Confederate flag, do you know about his statements on that?

00:55:43.000 He said that.

00:55:44.000 He used this in a quote.

00:55:46.000 What does he say?

00:55:47.000 Oh, react how you want.

00:55:48.000 Any energy is good energy.

00:55:49.000 The Confederate flag represented slavery in a way.

00:55:52.000 That's my abstract take on what I know about it, right?

00:55:55.000 So I wrote this song, New Slaves, took the Confederate flag and made it my flag.

00:55:59.000 It's my flag now.

00:56:00.000 What are you going to do?

00:56:02.000 Now what are you going to do?

00:56:03.000 Right?

00:56:04.000 How can I take my equity and see if I'm so dope?

00:56:07.000 But that's also his recognition that you can take something like the N-word and use it as a positive. 0.83

00:56:14.000 You could do anything. 0.90

00:56:16.000 I mean, look, if black people really decide... 1.00

00:56:19.000 I used to do this bit. 0.95

00:56:20.000 Okay, go.

00:56:21.000 I used to do this bit about...

00:56:22.000 Do you remember when... 1.00

00:56:24.000 The fucking Duck Dynasty guy, he was talking a lot of shit about gay people. 1.00

00:56:29.000 He was like, I don't understand it. 1.00

00:56:31.000 I don't understand it.

00:56:31.000 And I was like, look, I don't understand yellow cars.

00:56:34.000 I go, what the fuck is this shit if you understand it? 1.00

00:56:36.000 Why are you wasting all your time? 1.00

00:56:38.000 I go, you better be nice because I go, if you keep fucking with gay people, they're going to do something and they're going to do something and you're not going to be able to take it back. 1.00

00:56:46.000 Like, what if gay people decided to take over camo? 1.00

00:56:49.000 And the bit was like, look what they did to the rainbow. 1.00

00:56:51.000 I go, they fucking own the rainbow. 0.90

00:56:54.000 I go, you can't wear a rainbow shirt anymore. 0.98

00:56:57.000 Everybody's like, bah!

00:56:58.000 It used to be leprechauns and pots of gold. 0.99

00:57:01.000 Now it's dudes butt-fucking. 1.00

00:57:03.000 I go, all they would have to do is start off every gay porn in a duck blind. 1.00

00:57:09.000 It's two dudes, two dudes in camo. 1.00

00:57:12.000 Dick dynasty. 1.00

00:57:13.000 And you get the gayest black guy in the world and camo's like, something about duck hunting make me horny. 1.00

00:57:20.000 And some dude just drops in out of nowhere and pulls his camo down and starts sucking his dick. 1.00

00:57:25.000 If they just had all porno in camo, it would turn camo into a gay thing. 1.00

00:57:30.000 And if black people just went whole hog on the confederate, look at them. 1.00

00:57:35.000 They got camo wallpaper, son. 0.99

00:57:37.000 Absolutely. 1.00

00:57:38.000 That's like some Annie Leibovitz shit, though. 0.99

00:57:40.000 That's like some Vanity Fair cover nonsense. 0.99

00:57:42.000 Oh, yeah.

00:57:43.000 You know, that's like some organized shoot.

00:57:45.000 Very meta.

00:57:45.000 Those are weird.

00:57:46.000 They know what they're doing, though.

00:57:47.000 These guys are smart. 1.00

00:57:48.000 They're playing dumb. 1.00

00:57:48.000 By the way, that's a shit pattern. 1.00

00:57:49.000 That's a bad camel pattern. 1.00

00:57:51.000 All ducks.

00:57:52.000 Is it ducks?

00:57:53.000 Ah, it's made out of the ducks.

00:57:54.000 Maybe it's theirs. 0.97

00:57:54.000 It might be their pattern. 0.97

00:57:56.000 I bet it is.

00:57:57.000 Well, in that case...

00:57:57.000 They're in a swamp.

00:57:58.000 It's like...

00:57:59.000 I don't know.

00:58:00.000 You know? 1.00

00:58:00.000 The gay shit is like... 1.00

00:58:02.000 You know? 1.00

00:58:02.000 It's just... 1.00

00:58:03.000 It's not the climate for it, I feel...

00:58:05.000 Yo, it could be.

00:58:06.000 Don't you remember Deliverance?

00:58:08.000 Yeah, but it's like... 0.94

00:58:08.000 Squeal like a pig? 0.94

00:58:09.000 Yes! 0.96

00:58:09.000 Remember that? 0.96

00:58:10.000 Yeah, but that was...

00:58:11.000 That was rape. 1.00

00:58:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98

00:58:13.000 Game rape, though. 1.00

00:58:13.000 It was game rape. 1.00

00:58:14.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.96

00:58:16.000 Everybody says that rape is not sex.

00:58:19.000 It's about power.

00:58:20.000 Well, then they didn't do it right.

00:58:21.000 They also didn't get raped. 1.00

00:58:24.000 Someone's gonna fuck you. 1.00

00:58:25.000 It's definitely about power. 1.00

00:58:29.000 I mean, power's a part of it for sure, but that guy's gonna fuck you, man. 1.00

00:58:32.000 You're getting fucked like, this ain't sex, bro, just so we're clear. 1.00

00:58:34.000 Bro, that guy is fucking you. 1.00

00:58:36.000 This is about sex and power. 1.00

00:58:37.000 I get it, you're not gay, but it's still sex. 1.00

00:58:40.000 People want it, man. 0.99

00:58:41.000 That's the thing.

00:58:42.000 I don't know.

00:58:43.000 I think the Kanye thing, like...

00:58:45.000 He's just a guy who thinks way different.

00:58:47.000 Like, for whatever reasons, the connections, that's one of the reasons why I think this Kim Kardashian relationship works so well.

00:58:53.000 Okay.

00:58:53.000 It's because, like, I bet she just handles normal, regular stuff, and he could just be Kanye.

00:59:00.000 You know what I mean?

00:59:01.000 Like, it seems like...

00:59:03.000 Does he think that different, bro?

00:59:05.000 Yes.

00:59:06.000 How different, bro?

00:59:07.000 Yes.

00:59:07.000 Different.

00:59:08.000 How?

00:59:09.000 Different.

00:59:09.000 You tell me.

00:59:10.000 Convince me.

00:59:11.000 Because the music is phenomenal.

00:59:13.000 Outside of that...

00:59:14.000 Okay, it's real simple.

00:59:15.000 Have you ever been locked up in a mental institution?

00:59:17.000 No.

00:59:18.000 He has.

00:59:18.000 Yeah.

00:59:19.000 They don't just lock you up, bro.

00:59:20.000 They never lock me up.

00:59:21.000 Yeah.

00:59:22.000 You know, my wife never... 0.99

00:59:23.000 I never came home. 1.00

00:59:23.000 My wife has some fucking two gorillas that are in those lab suits that are staring at me. 1.00

00:59:29.000 I'm like, what's with the big guys? 1.00

00:59:30.000 Like, oh, these big guys are going to take you to a nice hospital.

00:59:33.000 Like, sir, we'd like to handle this quietly.

00:59:35.000 What?

00:59:36.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:59:36.000 The fuck? 1.00

00:59:37.000 I'm not going... 1.00

00:59:41.000 You don't just go to the mental institute, bro. 1.00

00:59:45.000 They fucking Velcro you. 1.00

00:59:47.000 But the mental institute doesn't mean that you're genius. 1.00

00:59:50.000 There's a lot of crazy people who are just crazy. 1.00

00:59:52.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:59:53.000 Well, he's definitely crazy. 0.99

00:59:54.000 Sure. 0.96

00:59:54.000 But he's also, but he's brilliant. 0.96

00:59:56.000 See, the work that comes out of that crazy is genius work, right?

01:00:01.000 So what is it about him that allows him to be so prolific as an artist?

01:00:06.000 You ever notice how prolific he is?

01:00:08.000 Yes.

01:00:08.000 The guy's constantly working.

01:00:09.000 At music.

01:00:10.000 Constantly banging out songs.

01:00:11.000 And they're...

01:00:12.000 He doesn't have bad albums.

01:00:14.000 No, he is phenomenal at music.

01:00:16.000 Without a doubt, phenomenal at music.

01:00:18.000 But this is all from this energy that's inside of him.

01:00:21.000 He figures out how to channel that energy and put it in good ways, but occasionally, it's also not a coincidence.

01:00:29.000 That when Kanye was on stage, I think it was in San Jose, and he said that he didn't vote, but if he was going to vote, he would have voted for Trump, and the crowd went crazy, and they booed the shit out of him, and then he canceled his tour, and then he went to the Mental Health Institute. 0.94

01:00:43.000 All that shit happened together because he felt the pain of this. 0.90

01:00:47.000 Then his response to that was to double down. 0.99

01:00:49.000 His response to that was to attribute qualities to Trump that he doesn't even really have.

01:00:54.000 And so Trump, in his...

01:00:57.000 In a lot of ways, very wise, the way he handles things socially.

01:01:01.000 He let Kanye come into the White House, wear that MAGA hat, and just rant up a storm.

01:01:06.000 Kanye could define who Trump was.

01:01:09.000 He could define what loving Trump meant.

01:01:11.000 He could define why black people should embrace Trump. 0.64

01:01:14.000 He could define all this in his head to sort of justify what went wrong with him.

01:01:19.000 And then Trump just sits there and goes like this and lets him talk. 0.99

01:01:22.000 And then he leaves and Trump goes, what the What the fuck was that about? 1.00

01:01:25.000 And he gets on the phone, calls his bitches, orders a pizza, gets his dick sucked. 1.00

01:01:29.000 And this shit right here. 1.00

01:01:32.000 That's what this is. 1.00

01:01:33.000 Now look at that white lady with her arms crossed in the background. 1.00

01:01:35.000 Like, what in the fuck? 1.00

01:01:37.000 I need to make a weld. 1.00

01:01:38.000 Like, what the fuck am I watching? 1.00

01:01:40.000 Look at her face! 1.00

01:01:42.000 The blonde chick right there in the center. 0.83

01:01:44.000 Look at her face.

01:01:44.000 She's like, okay, what?

01:01:47.000 Her face says, okay, what?

01:01:49.000 And Kanye's like showing Donald Trump his phone.

01:01:52.000 Donald Trump's got his lips pursed.

01:01:54.000 Phone.

01:01:55.000 Amazing.

01:01:56.000 Look at Kushner.

01:01:56.000 Show me some lyrics.

01:01:58.000 Look at a devious smile on Kushner's face right there, dude. 1.00

01:02:01.000 Look at that shit. 1.00

01:02:02.000 How about that dude? 1.00

01:02:02.000 How about the black dude sitting there like, I can't believe I have to listen to this shit. 1.00

01:02:08.000 Look at that dude's face. 1.00

01:02:10.000 He's like, what in the fuck do I do when I get fired from here? 0.99

01:02:14.000 Because I know it's coming. 0.99

01:02:15.000 I know it's coming.

01:02:16.000 Oh, God.

01:02:18.000 How about the dude in the back with the beard?

01:02:19.000 Look at the brother in the back.

01:02:21.000 He's like, man. 1.00

01:02:22.000 Nah, he's fucking up. 1.00

01:02:23.000 You gotta be fucking shitting me. 1.00

01:02:26.000 Ryan Gosling with the boom mic. 1.00

01:02:28.000 Oh, look at that guy!

01:02:29.000 Yes!

01:02:29.000 MAGA! All the way!

01:02:31.000 He's like, yes!

01:02:32.000 We made it!

01:02:32.000 I can't wait to get on Gab and talk about this amazing meeting of the minds.

01:02:36.000 Has Trump reached out to you?

01:02:37.000 Look at his face!

01:02:39.000 Has who?

01:02:39.000 Trump reached out to you?

01:02:40.000 No.

01:02:40.000 I'm friends with his son, though.

01:02:42.000 Like, text friends.

01:02:43.000 Really?

01:02:43.000 Yeah.

01:02:44.000 He's a nice guy.

01:02:45.000 He's a hunter.

01:02:45.000 We know each other through mutual friends and one of our mutual friends who committed suicide.

01:02:51.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:02:51.000 So I was like, you know. 1.00

01:02:52.000 But he's a nice guy.

01:02:54.000 I mean, I don't agree with a lot of things that a lot of people that I know agree with.

01:03:00.000 Yeah.

01:03:00.000 I think we're allowed to be reasonable and cordial with each other.

01:03:03.000 Yes.

01:03:04.000 What's the matter?

01:03:04.000 What are you laughing at?

01:03:06.000 What is this?

01:03:07.000 Jim Brown was also sitting at that table.

01:03:09.000 Oh, Jim Brown!

01:03:10.000 That's Jim Brown!

01:03:11.000 Look at him!

01:03:13.000 You know Jim Brown used to do the early commentary for the UFC? Really?

01:03:17.000 Yeah, man.

01:03:17.000 He used to wear one of them Africa hats.

01:03:19.000 Those traditional African hats.

01:03:21.000 He did my job for the UFC. UFC 1 and 2 or something.

01:03:27.000 Is he MMA savvy? 0.99

01:03:28.000 No, he's just a dude who knows how to fuck people up. 1.00

01:03:30.000 That's true. 1.00

01:03:31.000 He's Jim Brown, man.

01:03:32.000 Yeah, there was this...

01:03:34.000 Now the guy on his left, our left, to our left is Bill Superfoot Wallace.

01:03:38.000 Okay.

01:03:39.000 That's a world champion kickboxer from the 80s.

01:03:41.000 He's a legend in the kickboxing world.

01:03:44.000 There he is, Jim Brown.

01:03:45.000 I just started taking a couple kickboxing classes trying to learn kickboxing.

01:03:49.000 You got a good frame for it.

01:03:51.000 Yeah, I used to box, right?

01:03:52.000 So it's like...

01:03:55.000 First of all, it's nice to have something to want to get better at that has nothing to do with career.

01:04:00.000 That's really fun.

01:04:02.000 The interesting thing about the kicking aspect of it is when I would see guys learning how to box, the hook is a tough punch for people to get.

01:04:13.000 It's something you almost have to pop.

01:04:15.000 People try to throw it instead of let your body throw it.

01:04:19.000 That's who I am with kicks.

01:04:21.000 I feel...

01:04:24.000 Like the exact same person I've been trying to teach how to throw.

01:04:27.000 It's just my body doesn't want to let the legs go.

01:04:31.000 Does that make sense?

01:04:32.000 Yeah, yeah, for sure.

01:04:32.000 I'm not whipping.

01:04:33.000 Yeah.

01:04:34.000 You know?

01:04:35.000 I can help you.

01:04:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:04:36.000 I used to teach.

01:04:37.000 Yeah, I see that you do a lot of...

01:04:39.000 I could definitely help you with that.

01:04:41.000 Yeah, you know what the way to do it is?

01:04:43.000 You do it slow.

01:04:44.000 Right.

01:04:44.000 Yeah, you do it slow and you don't try to hit anything hard.

01:04:47.000 Yeah.

01:04:47.000 When you try to hit things hard, then you tense up and...

01:04:50.000 And you like fucking... 0.99

01:04:51.000 Everything's all herky-jerky and goofy. 1.00

01:04:53.000 The key to learning how to kick is to do it slow.

01:04:56.000 It's a big part of it.

01:04:57.000 You don't try to smash.

01:05:00.000 You just try to get your torque right.

01:05:03.000 Make sure you're pivoting off your bottom foot.

01:05:07.000 The support foot has to pivot almost with every kick.

01:05:09.000 Basically, yeah.

01:05:10.000 With every kick, your support foot pivots.

01:05:12.000 Support one is the one that I'm stepping out with.

01:05:14.000 The one that's standing on.

01:05:15.000 The one you're standing on.

01:05:16.000 That standing foot has to constantly pivot.

01:05:18.000 It has to go.

01:05:19.000 You have to be planted, but you also have to be able to move with it.

01:05:24.000 It's like a coordinated dance.

01:05:26.000 Yes.

01:05:26.000 That's why timing and kicks is so difficult, because you've got to...

01:05:30.000 Time it, and then you've got to twist your body in at the same time.

01:05:34.000 But everything's got to work in coordination.

01:05:36.000 It's got to work in concert.

01:05:38.000 Such a cool...

01:05:39.000 I think kickboxing's got to be the worst marketed sport in the world.

01:05:42.000 I know.

01:05:43.000 That's what I say.

01:05:43.000 Do you?

01:05:44.000 It's the greatest sport. 0.99

01:05:45.000 It's the fucking best. 0.98

01:05:46.000 For stand-up fighting, it's the best one. 0.99

01:05:49.000 There's a company called Glory.

01:05:51.000 That's the Japanese one? 1.00

01:05:52.000 No, no, no.

01:05:53.000 They're American.

01:05:54.000 I'm sorry.

01:05:55.000 From the Netherlands?

01:05:56.000 I think they're from Holland.

01:05:58.000 Find out where they're from.

01:05:59.000 But they're international.

01:06:00.000 They do a lot of events here in America, right?

01:06:02.000 But they're on UFC Fight Pass, and I think they're on ESPN2. The headquarters are in Singapore.

01:06:08.000 Singapore.

01:06:09.000 Oh, that's interesting.

01:06:10.000 That's new.

01:06:11.000 They might have got bought out.

01:06:12.000 Could have moved there too.

01:06:13.000 Okay.

01:06:14.000 So, they're trying to do it. 0.99

01:06:15.000 Some of the best fucking fights you'll ever watch in your life. 0.96

01:06:18.000 I watched on, I have a, in my studio, in my gym, I have Apple TV and I'll watch Glory on, it's like an app on the UFC Fight Pass. 0.99

01:06:26.000 Okay.

01:06:26.000 And I'll watch it.

01:06:27.000 And some fucking amazing fights that most people don't know. 0.98

01:06:31.000 Because Dana White has a really good point. 0.96

01:06:34.000 In the 1980s, where that Bill Superfoot Wallace guy was fighting, he was actually before that.

01:06:39.000 He was in the late 70s and into the 80s.

01:06:42.000 There was a thing called PKA Karate, and it was on ESPN, and it was terrible.

01:06:47.000 And it was kickboxers who were basically like...

01:07:00.000 Right.

01:07:07.000 It was just terrible to watch. 1.00

01:07:09.000 It was boring as fuck. 0.99

01:07:10.000 And then you'd watch boxing, you'd see Mike Tyson at the same time. 0.99

01:07:13.000 So Mike Tyson's on TV, Marvin Hagler's on TV, and you're watching these guys, and these guys are like out of shape.

01:07:20.000 So it tainted the well a little bit, you're saying?

01:07:22.000 A lot.

01:07:23.000 Yeah.

01:07:24.000 And Muay Thai, for whatever reason, I mean, you go to Muay Thai events and they're rabid and it's like a very deep community of people that really understand and appreciate the sport.

01:07:36.000 They'll play the Thai music and they wear all the Mong Kong on their head. 1.00

01:07:40.000 They bow to their trainer. 0.99

01:07:41.000 And they're fucking throwing elbows and smashing it. 0.99

01:07:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:07:45.000 And it's amazing to watch. 0.99

01:07:47.000 Same thing as kickboxing more or less?

01:07:49.000 It's the hardest.

01:07:50.000 It's the hardest of all of them.

01:07:52.000 More elite version of kickboxing.

01:07:54.000 Yeah, because it's elbows and knees and a lot of clinch work and a lot of dumping where they trip you and slam you to the ground and they kick you on the way down too.

01:08:04.000 They'll throw you into the ropes and if you're still on your way down, you get punted in the head.

01:08:09.000 Yeah.

01:08:10.000 Yeah, I mean, and it's legal.

01:08:11.000 It's a hard sport, man.

01:08:14.000 It is.

01:08:14.000 As hard as it comes.

01:08:16.000 I don't know.

01:08:16.000 You feel like we could get people to get behind.

01:08:20.000 You would have to have some sort of an epic change in the way we view things.

01:08:25.000 But to me, it's way more exciting than football.

01:08:28.000 If those football players all decided to do Muay Thai, it would be better for their brains, believe it or not, to be a fighter. 0.99

01:08:36.000 And two, you would see these elite athletes fucking smashing each other like that. 0.99

01:08:40.000 So let's talk about that. 0.99

01:08:40.000 It'd be incredible. 0.99

01:08:41.000 I want to talk about it because I was talking to Brendan about this and Izzy.

01:08:45.000 Izzy came on one of my podcasts and we were talking about when are the elite- Who's Izzy?

01:08:52.000 Adesanya.

01:08:53.000 Oh, Israel. 0.98

01:08:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:08:55.000 Oh, Stylebender. 0.95

01:08:56.000 Yeah, Stylebender.

01:08:56.000 Shots of Stylebender, man.

01:08:57.000 He's the best.

01:08:57.000 That's my guy, man.

01:08:58.000 I love him.

01:08:59.000 He's the beast. 0.98

01:09:00.000 He's a perfect example of the style that is so fucking exciting to watch. 0.99

01:09:05.000 Mm-hmm. 0.96

01:09:05.000 Well, so is his opponent. 0.96

01:09:06.000 He's fighting this dude.

01:09:07.000 Gastelum?

01:09:08.000 Yeah, Kelvin Gastelum, who is one of the elite of the elite out there as well.

01:09:13.000 Stryker?

01:09:14.000 Short, stocky, blasting striker.

01:09:17.000 Good wrestling, good grappling. 0.99

01:09:19.000 These wrestlers, I noticed these fucking wrestlers Toughest people in the world. 1.00

01:09:23.000 They're tough as fuck, but they have power. 0.99

01:09:25.000 It's a unique thing, because sometimes the jujitsu guys don't have power with the hands. 0.99

01:09:30.000 But these wrestlers, it seems like they all have power.

01:09:33.000 And I was asking some folks around, and they were like, it's core.

01:09:37.000 Some of them.

01:09:39.000 Yeah, some of them.

01:09:40.000 But like Ben Askren, who's probably one of the best wrestlers in the sport, doesn't have any power in his hands.

01:09:45.000 Does he even try? 0.97

01:09:46.000 Yeah, but he's just about getting you to the ground and fucking you up. 0.94

01:09:50.000 He just has such unbelievable confidence, and he should, he's undefeated, in his wrestling, that he just concentrates on absorbing whatever he can and grabbing you. 0.95

01:10:00.000 What is his...

01:10:01.000 I mean, maybe I'm just such a newbie to this, but I don't understand his leverage point.

01:10:10.000 What is his skill?

01:10:11.000 Is he so strong that his grip...

01:10:15.000 It's not just physical strength.

01:10:17.000 It's technique.

01:10:18.000 It's an understanding of it.

01:10:20.000 You've got to think of wrestling the same way you would think of chess.

01:10:24.000 If you only know a few moves, you're not going to beat a guy who knows all the moves.

01:10:29.000 He knows all the moves.

01:10:30.000 So once he's locked with you...

01:10:32.000 You defend.

01:10:33.000 And you think, oh, I'm going to dig in my hooks.

01:10:37.000 I'm going to pummel under here and I'm going to defend.

01:10:40.000 He already knows you're going to do that. 0.76

01:10:41.000 So he's shooting, waiting for you to pummel.

01:10:44.000 As you're pummeling, he's switching to the inside.

01:10:47.000 He's tripping you.

01:10:48.000 He's grabbing hold of your legs in this really awkward way.

01:10:51.000 He's rolling back because he knows your weight is going to be going in a certain direction.

01:10:55.000 He's anticipating several steps ahead, and he has international wrestling competition experience.

01:11:02.000 Which is just next level.

01:11:04.000 He's wrestling these guys from Russia and Iran and some of the best wrestlers in the world. 0.99

01:11:10.000 There's levels to this fucking thing. 0.99

01:11:12.000 Levels. 1.00

01:11:14.000 But the same you could say about Stylebender.

01:11:17.000 The thing about Stylebender is he's an elite kickboxer.

01:11:21.000 He lost the glory middleweight title in a very controversial decision to Jason Willness, who was one of the elite of the elite, one of the best guys out there.

01:11:29.000 So Stylebender competed at the highest level of one of the most difficult combat sports in the world.

01:11:35.000 And in that world, he's known as a precision artist.

01:11:40.000 In that world, he's a technician. 0.94

01:11:43.000 There's some guys that are just thugs. 0.94

01:11:45.000 They got a good low kick. 0.98

01:11:46.000 They get a good shell.

01:11:48.000 They throw bombs.

01:11:49.000 They're willing to brawl.

01:11:50.000 They know a few things.

01:11:52.000 They know how to pump the double jab and get that inside leg kick in. 1.00

01:11:56.000 Stylebender's a different animal. 0.88

01:11:58.000 He's switching stances on you.

01:12:00.000 He's hitting you with upward elbows.

01:12:02.000 Setting things up.

01:12:03.000 I noticed him with the feints, yes. 0.99

01:12:04.000 Dude, he fucks people up. 0.94

01:12:06.000 There's a video of him, the one when he went into God mode that I had on my Instagram that Lawrence Kenshin broke down. 0.99

01:12:13.000 Dude, Dude, he fucks people up, man. 0.94

01:12:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.96

01:12:16.000 And he fucks people up in an artistic way, too. 0.96

01:12:20.000 The way he picks his shots, he just knows what you're going to do before you know what you're going to do, and he has several steps.

01:12:27.000 So he has that same level of skill that Ben Askren possesses in wrestling, he has in kickboxing.

01:12:33.000 What is more valuable than...

01:12:34.000 In an open fight.

01:12:36.000 This is it right here.

01:12:36.000 Like he's standing in front of this dude.

01:12:38.000 Watch.

01:12:38.000 He's setting him up, looking for the moves, waiting to see how the guy responds.

01:12:42.000 And then, watch this.

01:12:43.000 Slam. 0.98

01:12:44.000 And he walks away.

01:12:46.000 The walk-away KO. One of the most devastating psychological maneuvers of all time.

01:12:52.000 Yeah, he's a special guy.

01:12:53.000 But there's no one thing that's better.

01:12:56.000 What's the most effective form?

01:12:58.000 Wrestling.

01:13:00.000 Because the best wrestler can dictate where the fight takes place.

01:13:04.000 The best wrestler can get a hold of a guy and drag him down like Khabib Nurmagomedov, who might be the best fighter in the world.

01:13:11.000 He's the UFC lightweight champion, and what stands out about him is that he can get a hold of guys, and once he does, they can't do jack shit about it.

01:13:20.000 He's not the best striker in the world, but he's good enough so you have to be scared of him on the feet, because he dropped Conor McGregor.

01:13:26.000 I mean, he can tag you. 0.99

01:13:28.000 He can fuck you up. 1.00

01:13:28.000 He's got power. 1.00

01:13:29.000 He's knocked guys out.

01:13:30.000 But more importantly, that's to set up the clinch.

01:13:33.000 And then once he gets to the clinch, you're his!

01:13:35.000 Then you're going for a ride! 1.00

01:13:37.000 You're getting slammed, and then you're getting the fuck beaten out of you on the ground, and you're getting strangled. 0.99

01:13:42.000 And that's just how it goes. 0.99

01:13:43.000 But he has the full skill package.

01:13:48.000 Like, he can strike with you, he can submit you, but his grappling is what allows that to take place.

01:13:54.000 Now, with Stylebender, Stylebender's grappling allows him to stay up on the feet.

01:13:59.000 See, he's a very good grappler in terms of his ability to get back up and his ability to stuff to take down.

01:14:04.000 He's got the sprawl down or whatever. 0.76

01:14:06.000 Not just sprawl, but he gets the fuck out of there. 0.99

01:14:09.000 He pushes your head, he pops his legs out, he kicks back, and then he punishes you on the way out. 0.99

01:14:15.000 Pop! 0.87

01:14:16.000 Take that with you.

01:14:17.000 Yeah, great distance.

01:14:17.000 Yes.

01:14:18.000 I know this is different with the sports that involve legs, but you guys fight at a further distance.

01:14:24.000 Of course, you have to.

01:14:26.000 But it also makes you susceptible for counters in a way.

01:14:31.000 When Conor was fighting Floyd, my biggest concern for Conor was not speed or counterpunching.

01:14:38.000 It was the distance...

01:14:41.000 That you're going to be able to counter.

01:14:43.000 And when Conor caught Floyd, he caught Floyd a couple times in the beginning.

01:14:46.000 I think one was a left uppercut.

01:14:47.000 He caught Floyd.

01:14:48.000 That was shocking to me because I was surprised that he had boxing counterpunching speed.

01:14:56.000 The distance is half.

01:14:58.000 Yeah.

01:14:59.000 Compared to a kick sport, I would say if we're standing, what, two, three feet away from each other in kickboxing, it's one and a half in boxing.

01:15:07.000 Right.

01:15:08.000 So to cut that distance in half and still have the counter-punching ability was impressive.

01:15:12.000 Yeah.

01:15:13.000 I mean...

01:15:14.000 Well, he's done a lot of lower-level boxing in the gym.

01:15:18.000 You know how it is. 0.99

01:15:19.000 When you get up to that level, it's a different fucking game. 0.97

01:15:21.000 Floyd Mayweather's on a completely different planet than anybody else. 0.95

01:15:24.000 He's the greatest great of all time.

01:15:27.000 Meaning, I think he's better at boxing than Stephen Hawking is at astrophysics.

01:15:32.000 You might be right.

01:15:34.000 Look, he's 50-0.

01:15:36.000 It does count, even though it probably shouldn't.

01:15:38.000 I mean, it was a real boxing match, but it was a guy that had zero professional boxing matches.

01:15:43.000 But he did get tagged, Conor Kenpunch.

01:15:45.000 He's a good fighter.

01:15:46.000 He's a very good mixed martial arts fighter.

01:15:48.000 But the thing about Floyd is that Floyd is the best at not getting hit.

01:15:52.000 No one's better.

01:15:53.000 He's only been tagged, really tagged, like three times, four times in his whole career.

01:15:57.000 I can name him five times.

01:15:58.000 Yeah.

01:15:59.000 Sugar Shane Mosley.

01:16:00.000 Yep.

01:16:00.000 Maidana, the end of the fourth round.

01:16:02.000 Yep.

01:16:02.000 The other ones are earlier.

01:16:04.000 Zab Judah, right hook. 0.86

01:16:05.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:16:05.000 He actually dropped him.

01:16:06.000 Zab Judah was a wicked man. 0.92

01:16:07.000 He was great. 0.84

01:16:08.000 His dad was a kickboxer.

01:16:09.000 That's right.

01:16:10.000 He came from that, what is his name, something Judah, I forget his name, but all guys from, yeah, UL Judah, yeah.

01:16:15.000 And then DeMarcus Chop Chop Corley.

01:16:18.000 Oh, that's right.

01:16:19.000 I forgot him.

01:16:19.000 And wobbled him.

01:16:20.000 Oh, yeah, that's right.

01:16:21.000 Yeah, it was, yeah.

01:16:23.000 Yeah, my pops was a massive boxing fan.

01:16:25.000 He used to go to Ali's.

01:16:27.000 He was a journalist back in the day.

01:16:28.000 He used to cover Ali in his fights.

01:16:29.000 That's why I came up generationally watching boxing.

01:16:34.000 Oh, that's awesome.

01:16:34.000 Yeah, dude.

01:16:35.000 It was some of the best moments.

01:16:37.000 You know what else Floyd has going for him that the best jiu-jitsu guys have going for him?

01:16:41.000 Is that he's not physically powerful.

01:16:45.000 Like, the best jujitsu guys are smaller people.

01:16:48.000 Right.

01:16:48.000 Because the smaller people learn how to use leverage and technique, and they can't muscle things.

01:16:52.000 Whereas if you're like a 250-pound gorilla, you're some big football player dude, and you're like, man, I want to learn some fucking jujitsu. 0.91

01:16:59.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.78

01:17:00.000 Like, you don't ever have to be on your back.

01:17:02.000 I was talking to Shaab about that.

01:17:03.000 I was thinking about doing jiu-jitsu again.

01:17:05.000 Because I was telling him I got back into it recently.

01:17:07.000 I'm really enjoying it.

01:17:08.000 And he's like, I don't know.

01:17:10.000 I go, just roll off your back, man.

01:17:12.000 To be a big guy with a guard?

01:17:13.000 No big guys have guards.

01:17:14.000 It's so rare.

01:17:15.000 Because big guys just get little guys on the ground and they have a nasty top game.

01:17:20.000 But then when they find themselves on their back, a lot of them are turtles.

01:17:23.000 They don't know what to do.

01:17:25.000 It's a technique thing.

01:17:27.000 A little guy has to learn perfect precision technique because they don't have that extra size or power.

01:17:33.000 It's like being a point guard in the NBA. Floyd has weak hands.

01:17:36.000 He's broken his hands many times.

01:17:38.000 And even though he's capable of knocking guys out, it's with precision.

01:17:42.000 He's not going to knock you out like a John the Beast Mugabe would or a Francis Ngannou would or a real power puncher, a Joe Smith. 0.90

01:17:52.000 There's guys who just fucking get you to the cage or against the ropes and just smash. 0.96

01:17:59.000 Uncanny. 0.98

01:17:59.000 Some of these guys, it's just raw power. 0.98

01:18:03.000 Floyd is all precision and he's all...

01:18:06.000 One of the most fun things for me is watching Floyd in the first round and watching him take away your life.

01:18:13.000 I like to see him take away a fighter's confidence.

01:18:18.000 He knew that Mosley...

01:18:21.000 Was gonna get off with the jab, or at least he knew Mosley thought that he was gonna get off with the jab. 1.00

01:18:25.000 And there's a moment, even in the first round, I know he gets tagged with that overhand right, but there's a moment where Mosley pops the left jab, and Floyd sees it, steps back slightly, and then comes straight over at the right.

01:18:39.000 In that moment, you could see Shane know that there's nothing he can do.

01:18:44.000 Because Floyd has timed the jab, And countered it directly.

01:18:50.000 So now your jab is done.

01:18:52.000 Now I've lopped off one of your arms. 0.73

01:18:54.000 I've literally just cut it off.

01:18:55.000 Now you've got to open up with the right.

01:18:57.000 You're not going to do anything to me.

01:18:58.000 Just straight right.

01:18:59.000 I mean, I've got the Philly shell.

01:19:00.000 It's over.

01:19:00.000 You know what I mean?

01:19:01.000 It's like seeing him take pieces away from a fighter. 0.99

01:19:05.000 I love fucking Floyd, man. 0.99

01:19:07.000 Well, he learned how to box at a super young age, too. 1.00

01:19:10.000 And his dad was a wizard.

01:19:11.000 His dad, when he was young, fought Sugar Ray Leonard in a very good fight.

01:19:15.000 We're good to go.

01:19:44.000 And here's another thing that Floyd has going for him.

01:19:47.000 Conditioning.

01:19:48.000 Unfathomable.

01:19:49.000 He's always in tremendous shape.

01:19:51.000 Always.

01:19:51.000 Just always in shape.

01:19:52.000 I think it's a hustle when you see him eating the McDonald's and shit. 1.00

01:19:55.000 No, he eats that shit. 1.00

01:19:56.000 He eats that shit. 1.00

01:19:57.000 You think? 1.00

01:19:58.000 100%.

01:19:59.000 Regularly?

01:20:00.000 100%.

01:20:00.000 Really?

01:20:01.000 You could eat that shit. 1.00

01:20:01.000 It's just carbohydrates. 1.00

01:20:03.000 It's just bullshit. 1.00

01:20:04.000 The thing about that, like either eating sugar or like he'll drink a soda after a workout. 1.00

01:20:10.000 He's working out for two and a half hours.

01:20:12.000 So you can take some sugar.

01:20:13.000 Dude, not only can you take some sugar.

01:20:14.000 You need it.

01:20:14.000 There's an argument that that kind of sugar is not bad for you after you have a brutal workout.

01:20:20.000 Dude, we did this Sober October challenge.

01:20:24.000 Shout out to Ari, man. 1.00

01:20:25.000 Dude, Ari looks phenomenal. 1.00

01:20:26.000 So fucking freak. 0.99

01:20:26.000 When I saw him in New York, I was like, dude, you had abs? 0.99

01:20:28.000 I knew that Ari was going to be my biggest competition, too.

01:20:31.000 Because he looks so tired in his face.

01:20:32.000 Like, his head is just exhausted.

01:20:34.000 Yeah, he's like Eeyore.

01:20:35.000 So tired. 1.00

01:20:36.000 So tired of this bullshit. 1.00

01:20:37.000 But his body was fucking shredded. 1.00

01:20:38.000 He got shredded. 0.99

01:20:39.000 Yeah.

01:20:40.000 What is this?

01:20:40.000 Chad Johnson, he always eats McDonald's and he's doing it while he's working out right here.

01:20:44.000 Yeah.

01:20:45.000 Yeah, dude, you can do that.

01:20:47.000 It's all in how much you exercise.

01:20:50.000 Now, that's not all he eats. 0.84

01:20:53.000 Obviously, he's eating healthy food on top of that, but if he feels like fucking off and getting a Big Mac, he can do that, and there's no performance benefit or no penalty. 0.88

01:21:04.000 You can do it. 0.88

01:21:06.000 So when Floyd does that, he is doing that. 0.88

01:21:08.000 He really is eating that nonsense.

01:21:10.000 Is Chad still working out?

01:21:11.000 Yeah.

01:21:12.000 He loves it.

01:21:13.000 What does he do?

01:21:13.000 Just for exercise?

01:21:15.000 Just for fun? 1.00

01:21:15.000 He fucking loves it. 1.00

01:21:16.000 22 miles an hour. 1.00

01:21:17.000 It's his comedy.

01:21:18.000 What does he do with himself these days?

01:21:20.000 So what he'll do is, I mean, he'll like play guys in FIFA online.

01:21:24.000 He's a great follow on Twitter.

01:21:25.000 It's hilarious.

01:21:26.000 Oh yeah, I follow him.

01:21:26.000 It's like a girl will post a picture and then he'll say what's wrong with the picture.

01:21:31.000 Like, she'll be smoking hot and be like, yeah, but your shades are $30. 1.00

01:21:34.000 Like, you know, don't put so much money into your outfit when the blinds in your house are $30.

01:21:39.000 Like, he'll just nitpick little things.

01:21:41.000 Like, dude, he's hilarious.

01:21:43.000 But his, um, my guesstimation is, um, this is his comedy.

01:21:48.000 Like, remember you saying?

01:21:49.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:50.000 He used to sleep at the arena, or at least at the stadium.

01:21:55.000 When he played, he was obsessed with it.

01:21:58.000 He loved the sport.

01:22:00.000 He was talking about fighting Anderson Silva at one time.

01:22:03.000 No, no, no. 0.98

01:22:03.000 He's crazy. 0.98

01:22:04.000 He was talking about fighting Anderson when he was in his prime. 0.93

01:22:09.000 I think he has martial arts skill, though.

01:22:11.000 I'm not bullshitting.

01:22:13.000 Nice little southpaw, actually. 1.00

01:22:14.000 He's got a great frame for it.

01:22:15.000 Let me see if you can find him hitting the pads or hitting the bag.

01:22:18.000 Yeah.

01:22:18.000 Because I think he has real martial arts skill.

01:22:21.000 Like, legit martial arts skill.

01:22:22.000 Well, that's the question.

01:22:22.000 It's like, when are these elite athletes going to enter MMA? Damn.

01:22:25.000 Well, they are, but in small numbers. 0.99

01:22:28.000 Who's the first?

01:22:29.000 Well, Jon Jones is absolutely an elite athlete.

01:22:31.000 But he's got a 20-inch vertical.

01:22:34.000 Uh, yeah.

01:22:35.000 So it's like, how elite?

01:22:37.000 He's got small calves, but the fact that he has those small calves allows him to be 6'4 and 205 pounds.

01:22:44.000 Right, you're saying if he was bottom heavy, he'd be 250. Yeah, he'd be a different weight, which he could be.

01:22:49.000 He could be a heavyweight.

01:22:52.000 He could bulk up and go up to heavyweight.

01:22:54.000 But he's got weird calf genetics.

01:22:57.000 His calves are tiny.

01:22:58.000 But the thing is, you don't have to jump that much in MMA. And he can hit you in the face with a flying knee.

01:23:04.000 But what he knows how to do and what he can do physically in terms of his wrestling and his ability to close the distance and smash guys and time people, he's an elite athlete.

01:23:15.000 I mean, I think he could have done that.

01:23:17.000 His two brothers play NFL. Here he is.

01:23:20.000 There you go.

01:23:21.000 Here's Chad.

01:23:22.000 Sparring a little bit.

01:23:22.000 But he's in blue, right?

01:23:24.000 Yeah.

01:23:25.000 Still can't be touched, he says.

01:23:27.000 Well, he's a southpaw, so let's see this.

01:23:33.000 Stay away from Anderson Silva.

01:23:38.000 Oh, okay.

01:23:39.000 He's got good head movement.

01:23:40.000 Good head movement.

01:23:42.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:23:42.000 I like the way he moves.

01:23:44.000 Hands down, though. 0.99

01:23:45.000 Ridiculous. 0.99

01:23:47.000 See, the dude he's sparring, though, we don't know shit about him. 1.00

01:23:50.000 That guy might be terrible. 0.94

01:23:52.000 You know, I mean, the guy didn't once try to go to the body.

01:23:55.000 He didn't duck in.

01:23:57.000 You know, when someone's moving their head around like that, just smash their ribs.

01:24:00.000 You go right after the body.

01:24:01.000 Just go after the arms.

01:24:02.000 Yeah.

01:24:02.000 Hit those arms.

01:24:03.000 That's what they try to do with Floyd, man.

01:24:04.000 Yeah, good luck.

01:24:05.000 Yep.

01:24:06.000 Good luck.

01:24:06.000 No flaws in the game.

01:24:07.000 No, no flaws.

01:24:08.000 That's the thing.

01:24:08.000 It's like, you can't point one thing.

01:24:10.000 It's like we were talking about with Ben Askren.

01:24:13.000 That when a guy is a super elite wrestler...

01:24:15.000 You think you're going to do something, but he knows you think you're going to do something.

01:24:19.000 So he does it.

01:24:20.000 You do what you are going to do.

01:24:22.000 He anticipates what you're going to do.

01:24:23.000 He has an answer to that.

01:24:24.000 And then you have to regroup, and he's already moving on to step three.

01:24:28.000 There's too many steps that he's ahead of you.

01:24:30.000 Can there be a guy with him that you don't engage on the ground?

01:24:33.000 You just kind of jab, stay on the outside?

01:24:35.000 Does stay on the outside exist in MMA? Yeah,

01:24:59.000 for sure.

01:24:59.000 You're going to move forward and try to grab a hold of him.

01:25:02.000 And you're just going to eat knuckle sandwich after knuckle sandwich. 0.85

01:25:05.000 And he's going to slowly chop at your legs. 0.93

01:25:08.000 Whack! 1.00

01:25:08.000 And you're going to feel that low calf kick. 1.00

01:25:10.000 Whack! 1.00

01:25:11.000 You're going to feel the inside of your thigh shit. 1.00

01:25:13.000 You're going to try to walk off the pain. 0.99

01:25:15.000 You'll switch stances because it starts to hurt.

01:25:17.000 Whack! 1.00

01:25:17.000 He recognizes you're switching stances. 1.00

01:25:19.000 He attacks the other leg. 1.00

01:25:20.000 Now both your legs are fucked up. 1.00

01:25:22.000 He comes down the middle with a knee to the solar plexus. 1.00

01:25:26.000 Now you're hurting.

01:25:27.000 Yeah.

01:25:28.000 Try to play it off.

01:25:30.000 It's just a matter of doing his game. 1.00

01:25:33.000 In Stylebender's game, his game is keep the fight standing, fuck you up. 1.00

01:25:39.000 And then Ben Askren's, it's grab ahold of you, fuck you up. 1.00

01:25:42.000 Drag you to the ground, fuck you up. 1.00

01:25:44.000 It's a matter of who's better at the weak aspect of the other person's game. 1.00

01:25:50.000 Right.

01:25:51.000 Yeah.

01:25:52.000 How can I take advantage?

01:25:54.000 No one can be the best at everything.

01:25:58.000 MMA math is a notoriously difficult thing to do.

01:26:01.000 Say if Jamie beats me, but I beat you, but you beat Jamie.

01:26:10.000 Yeah.

01:26:10.000 Like, that happens.

01:26:11.000 That's MMA math.

01:26:12.000 It's crazy.

01:26:13.000 But we always say that with, like, you know, styles make fights.

01:26:15.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:26:16.000 But it doesn't work with Floyd.

01:26:17.000 See, in boxing, that styles make fights only goes so far.

01:26:21.000 With MMA, it's because the sport's more comprehensive, because there's more...

01:26:27.000 There's more skills.

01:26:28.000 There's more different things happening.

01:26:29.000 It's football compared to basketball.

01:26:31.000 Maybe.

01:26:32.000 There's more tools that can be used in here that can offset what's going on.

01:26:37.000 Whereas basketball, the Warriors are going to beat any team four out of seven games.

01:26:42.000 That's just going to happen. 0.97

01:26:43.000 I don't know shit about basketball or football, so I'm just guessing. 0.97

01:26:46.000 You could be a superstar. 0.98

01:26:47.000 There's no one position in football that can change the game.

01:26:51.000 What about the quarterback?

01:26:54.000 I think a quarterback is overrated, to be honest.

01:26:56.000 I think the most important position is the offensive-defensive line.

01:26:59.000 Well, I'm always amazed at Tom Brady's body.

01:27:03.000 How regular it is?

01:27:04.000 Super regular.

01:27:05.000 Super regs. 0.88

01:27:06.000 Super regular.

01:27:07.000 But they get it.

01:27:07.000 That team gets it.

01:27:09.000 I think Tom Brady's like 15th highest paid quarterback in the league.

01:27:12.000 Right, but if you look at an elite athlete's body, I want to see a dude who's built like Kamaru Usman, the UFC welterweight champion.

01:27:22.000 That's an elite athlete.

01:27:23.000 You look at him and you go, oh yeah.

01:27:24.000 But he's not an elite athlete.

01:27:25.000 Looks like a UFC champion.

01:27:26.000 He's not an elite athlete.

01:27:27.000 When you hit, well, greatest quarterback of all time.

01:27:29.000 Whoa, can't wait to see this guy without a shirt on.

01:27:31.000 What does he look like?

01:27:33.000 Your father.

01:27:33.000 That's my dad!

01:27:36.000 You know what he looks like?

01:27:37.000 A Tom.

01:27:38.000 He looks like Tom Brady. 1.00

01:27:40.000 That's exactly what the fuck he looks like. 1.00

01:27:42.000 He has his own body. 0.99

01:27:43.000 Yeah, I mean, what makes that guy so special?

01:27:46.000 That's the thing.

01:27:46.000 It's like, sometimes...

01:27:48.000 Something's going on.

01:27:49.000 Yeah, he's up here, and I think he's got a lot of it up here, and he works hard.

01:27:53.000 It's like, you know, sometimes the greatest aren't the greatest.

01:27:55.000 Pull up a picture of him next to Kamaru Usman.

01:27:58.000 You know what it is?

01:28:00.000 It's like sometimes having all the natural tools is to your detriment.

01:28:05.000 There he is.

01:28:06.000 Look at that.

01:28:07.000 Yeah, bro.

01:28:08.000 Come on, son.

01:28:09.000 Simple.

01:28:09.000 Yeah, like a leopard.

01:28:11.000 Yeah, he's ready.

01:28:13.000 Yeah, Ben Askren's similar too.

01:28:15.000 Yeah, he's got a little muffins.

01:28:16.000 He's got a little muffin on him.

01:28:17.000 Yeah, a little bit.

01:28:17.000 Ben Askren's got even worse.

01:28:19.000 Pull up a picture of Ben Askren.

01:28:20.000 Why doesn't he come down and wait, Ben Askren?

01:28:22.000 Because he doesn't want to.

01:28:23.000 And he's got it like that? 1.00

01:28:24.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:28:27.000 He feels like he's so much better as a wrestler that everybody else is fucked. 1.00

01:28:34.000 Give me an image of Ben. 1.00

01:28:36.000 Yeah, go to his abdomen.

01:28:37.000 Yeah, look at that.

01:28:40.000 I mean, he's got abs, obviously, underneath that.

01:28:45.000 That's from 1FC. He looks even worse now.

01:28:49.000 Yet winning.

01:28:51.000 Yeah.

01:28:52.000 There he goes.

01:28:54.000 I mean, that is not the ideal male combat body.

01:28:58.000 You would think that's not what the ideal combat body looks like. 1.00

01:29:02.000 But he'll fuck shit up. 0.99

01:29:03.000 Yeah, there's a picture of him with Kamaru Usman there, but he's got his shirt on. 1.00

01:29:06.000 Yeah, Usman is insane.

01:29:07.000 Lucky for him.

01:29:10.000 But like, this is just some guys that like, okay, Francis Ngannou is a perfect example.

01:29:15.000 Some guys look like a destroyer.

01:29:18.000 They just look like a destroyer.

01:29:21.000 Ngannou is like 6'5", 200, maybe more than 6'5".

01:29:25.000 Sometimes those guys, like I think you were saying earlier about the jujitsu, right?

01:29:30.000 And it's not just in this, it's in anything.

01:29:32.000 It's like sometimes the guys with all the natural ability, they don't have the...

01:29:37.000 The work ethic to be the greatest because it comes so easy.

01:29:41.000 Yeah.

01:29:41.000 We all know comics that are so funny hanging out.

01:29:45.000 Mm-hmm.

01:29:45.000 And they're okay on stage.

01:29:48.000 Yep.

01:29:48.000 And I think it's because comedy comes so easy to them.

01:29:52.000 Mm-hmm.

01:29:52.000 They don't hit the gym.

01:29:54.000 Yeah.

01:29:55.000 You know what I mean?

01:29:55.000 Maybe.

01:29:56.000 You need that Jordan, almost sociopathic approach to it. 0.99

01:30:01.000 Yeah.

01:30:01.000 We were having this conversation earlier.

01:30:04.000 It's like...

01:30:06.000 Do you think Jordan's happy?

01:30:08.000 I don't think he's happy.

01:30:09.000 Remember when he was abducted into the Hall of Fame?

01:30:13.000 Bro, I thought you were about to tell me he was abducted in plain sight. 0.98

01:30:15.000 And I was like, bro, if this guy fucks Jordan too, he is the GOAT. Do you remember when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame and he was talking about writers? 0.58

01:30:29.000 Yeah! 0.99

01:30:29.000 He was talking shit about writers. 0.99

01:30:31.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

01:30:32.000 He wasn't thanking his coaches and his teammates and it's been an amazing ride and I feel so blessed and fortunate. 1.00

01:30:37.000 No, he's still like, fuck you. 1.00

01:30:38.000 Remember when you said that? 1.00

01:30:39.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:30:40.000 1993! 1.00

01:30:41.000 Your Sports Illustrated issue! 0.80

01:30:43.000 You said my shoes look shitty! 0.96

01:30:45.000 Yeah, well... 0.95

01:30:47.000 But that's his furnace, right?

01:30:48.000 Some people need that as a furnace. 0.95

01:30:51.000 They need that competitive drive.

01:30:56.000 I feel like that happens when you don't derive joy from what you do.

01:31:03.000 You derive joy from the outcome.

01:31:06.000 You're obsessed with outcome.

01:31:08.000 At least for me, Everything before was outcome, right?

01:31:15.000 It was like, I'm good if I get a special.

01:31:17.000 I'm good if I'm doing these things. 0.98

01:31:19.000 Or I'm good if I kill.

01:31:20.000 And the second I was stripped of the opportunity to do those things, I actually found I loved creating more.

01:31:29.000 And then whatever the outcome was, was extra.

01:31:32.000 Does that make sense?

01:31:33.000 Right, yeah.

01:31:33.000 I think it's a happier path.

01:31:35.000 I think so too.

01:31:37.000 But I don't know if it's the path to greatness as much as the path of the psychopath.

01:31:44.000 Especially when it comes to competitive sports.

01:31:46.000 100%. 0.97

01:31:46.000 Something about the best athletes, they all have, they have a fucking self-loathing, and they also have an ego, and they have this anger towards the competition. 0.97

01:31:59.000 Like, if you beat them, they would say that if you beat Jordan at a game of pool, yeah, anything, fucking hate you for two months. 0.98

01:32:05.000 Or playing again. 0.98

01:32:05.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:32:06.000 But he needs it, right?

01:32:07.000 It's because he operates on, I'm not good enough, and if I beat you, then he goes, alright, I was good enough.

01:32:12.000 I don't even know if it's that he thinks he's not good enough, is that he knows he can get you. 1.00

01:32:16.000 Don't quit, motherfucker. 1.00

01:32:18.000 I'm gonna get you. 1.00

01:32:19.000 But why does he need to get you?

01:32:20.000 I don't know.

01:32:21.000 He needs to because it's like he needs to confirm something.

01:32:24.000 Maybe.

01:32:25.000 Right?

01:32:25.000 I need to confirm.

01:32:26.000 It's constant confirmation.

01:32:28.000 I need to confirm on that.

01:32:30.000 Confirm.

01:32:31.000 Confirm, confirm.

01:32:31.000 It's not that he doesn't believe he's great.

01:32:33.000 It's that he wants to confirm it constantly.

01:32:35.000 There's a little shadow of a doubt.

01:32:37.000 He's like, I'm great.

01:32:38.000 I'm great.

01:32:38.000 He's walking around.

01:32:39.000 I'm great.

01:32:39.000 And there's a little voice in his head that's going, hey, you might not be that great.

01:32:42.000 How about when he played baseball? 1.00

01:32:44.000 That motherfucker wanted to prove you're the hardest thing in sports, hitting a baseball. 1.00

01:32:48.000 It's the hardest fucking thing. 1.00

01:32:51.000 And he just jumped from basketball to baseball. 1.00

01:32:55.000 People act like he was trash. 0.81

01:32:57.000 He wasn't even that bad. 0.98

01:32:59.000 He hit like 250. 302. The baseball card I'm looking at says he was 302. But it might be for 185 out of 615 at-bats.

01:33:13.000 Bro, we're talking about the hardest thing in sports is hitting a fucking baseball. 0.99

01:33:19.000 The fact that he... 0.99

01:33:22.000 I mean, there's a bunch of rumors on why he even went into baseball in the first place.

01:33:25.000 But, like, it's that psychopathic mentality.

01:33:29.000 Some people say it's gambling.

01:33:30.000 Some people say, you know, there's a bunch of different things I don't want to put out there because I don't know.

01:33:35.000 But, like, it's one of those...

01:33:37.000 I think there is a balance, man.

01:33:40.000 I think that you could...

01:33:42.000 I think if you truly love what you do, like if you love the creative aspect, and then you have high standards for yourself, then you can achieve both.

01:33:50.000 Yeah.

01:33:51.000 I think that achieving quote-unquote greatness and living with misery, I don't think that's worth it.

01:34:00.000 No.

01:34:00.000 I don't think that's worth it for you.

01:34:02.000 It's like, you got one shot at this, man.

01:34:03.000 Like, this life, man.

01:34:04.000 Like, you got one shot at it. 0.99

01:34:06.000 Try to figure the fuck out. 0.98

01:34:07.000 And it takes time to figure the fuck out, but... 0.95

01:34:11.000 And it's one of those things you can't even really explain to people, but if you can...

01:34:14.000 I'm approaching this point in my life where like, yeah, I think I get it.

01:34:18.000 Does that make sense?

01:34:19.000 How old are you now?

01:34:20.000 35. Yeah.

01:34:21.000 And like...

01:34:24.000 My buddy explains it like this.

01:34:26.000 He's like, there's these different phases in life.

01:34:28.000 And none of them is better or worse than the other, but there's this vegetable phase where you're just going to work and then you're coming home.

01:34:34.000 And you don't think about anything.

01:34:36.000 Then there's the why phase, which is what gets us into comedy, a lot of us.

01:34:40.000 We start asking why. 1.00

01:34:41.000 Just about stupid shit. 1.00

01:34:43.000 Why do I have to have breakfast in the morning? 1.00

01:34:44.000 Whatever it is, which is why.

01:34:46.000 And then there's the phase which...

01:34:49.000 A lot of the discussions on this show and a lot of comedy operates is, which is everything is and isn't.

01:34:55.000 Not everything is or isn't.

01:34:58.000 Right, right.

01:34:58.000 It's like where you operate and why people are drawn to this, right?

01:35:04.000 And why people are drawn to maybe my stand-up and other things is we're shaking the foundation of the world.

01:35:10.000 We're showing that the world isn't one way.

01:35:13.000 You're not either good or bad.

01:35:15.000 Right.

01:35:16.000 Everybody and everything is both.

01:35:19.000 The MAGA hat is so offensive to women, right? 1.00

01:35:22.000 Because it stands for these offensive things.

01:35:24.000 It's like, well, what about the Viking helmet?

01:35:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:27.000 Like, they did some fucked up shit to women, didn't they? 1.00

01:35:29.000 Right. 1.00

01:35:29.000 We wear that every Sunday for Vikings games. 1.00

01:35:31.000 Yeah.

01:35:31.000 And then people go, all right, so two things can be true.

01:35:34.000 Or two things can be false, you know? 0.99

01:35:36.000 And, like, that place where, like, fucking comedy lives. 0.99

01:35:40.000 Nuance. 0.99

01:35:41.000 Where comedy lives and, like, conversation lives, you know?

01:35:44.000 Yeah.

01:35:45.000 Yeah.

01:35:45.000 That is an amazing place that not everybody gets to.

01:35:48.000 Well, that's what's so offensive about progressive fake comedy is that they're pretending the world's binary.

01:35:53.000 Yes!

01:35:53.000 It's one and zero.

01:35:54.000 And you have to punch up.

01:35:55.000 All comedy is punching up.

01:35:56.000 I had a conversation with this guy who wrote a book once.

01:35:59.000 Because there's no gray.

01:36:00.000 There's no gray.

01:36:00.000 Right?

01:36:01.000 It's black or white.

01:36:02.000 Right.

01:36:03.000 So, without gray, they don't even believe there's gray.

01:36:06.000 Like, you and I take for granted that we understand there's gray.

01:36:11.000 Yeah.

01:36:11.000 We truly believe.

01:36:13.000 Understand it.

01:36:14.000 We truly get it.

01:36:15.000 And that's why we can have a conversation about maybe some of the most vile things and try to put context into it.

01:36:23.000 Or nuance, as you were saying.

01:36:24.000 Yeah.

01:36:25.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:36:25.000 Yes.

01:36:26.000 That conversation, tons of people are going to write comments, you motherfuckers are this. 1.00

01:36:30.000 And then the other side is going to go, you motherfuckers are that. 1.00

01:36:33.000 It's so problematic that you're talking about this. 1.00

01:36:35.000 So why can we do that?

01:36:38.000 What makes us able to do that?

01:36:40.000 What do we understand about the world that allows us to do that?

01:36:44.000 And how do we...

01:36:46.000 You can't tell people things, you have to show them.

01:36:49.000 How can we show that?

01:36:53.000 Humor.

01:36:55.000 I think that's it.

01:36:56.000 I think that's why we're the first person's killed when a dictatorship takes over.

01:37:01.000 The comedians?

01:37:02.000 Yeah, the philosophers, comedians. 0.99

01:37:03.000 Anybody who goes, hey, look at the world this way, get them the fuck out of here. 0.90

01:37:07.000 Right. 1.00

01:37:07.000 Stop mocking shit. 1.00

01:37:08.000 Stop making people think a little bit. 0.99

01:37:11.000 Well, also, the thing about comedy is I've always said that if you can make someone laugh about something, you force them to think about it.

01:37:17.000 If you're just on stage spouting your opinions, like one of the real problems that I have with a lot of what they're calling comedy, where they're just waiting for a Applause breaks when you say something.

01:37:26.000 Clapter.

01:37:28.000 Intersectional ideas must be approached with the same...

01:37:32.000 They're abusing comedy.

01:37:33.000 I know what you're doing.

01:37:34.000 What they're doing is their time. 0.97

01:37:37.000 They can do whatever the fuck they want with it, but I know the difference. 0.85

01:37:40.000 It's a hack. 0.96

01:37:42.000 They've figured out a way to make a shortcut.

01:37:44.000 But it's not stand-up.

01:37:47.000 It's something else.

01:37:48.000 It's like you're just expressing opinions.

01:37:50.000 But...

01:37:51.000 If you're just on stage saying your opinions on things, I can be in the audience going, well, I don't agree with that.

01:37:57.000 I have a different opinion.

01:37:58.000 But if you're on stage saying something that makes me laugh even though I don't agree with your philosophy...

01:38:05.000 Bullfighting.

01:38:05.000 Yeah, that's when it gets you.

01:38:07.000 If you're a hardcore Republican Trump supporter and someone does a joke about Trump that makes you fucking laugh, you're like, God damn it, he got me. 1.00

01:38:16.000 This motherfucker got me. 1.00

01:38:17.000 That's the game. 1.00

01:38:18.000 The second you tell me I can't joke around about something, that's what I want to joke around about.

01:38:23.000 Now you just gave me the bull.

01:38:24.000 And there's this thing in bullfighting where if you put a little bull out there, the crowd boos.

01:38:30.000 Oh, right, because they want a dangerous bull. 0.74

01:38:33.000 Yes, it's not fair.

01:38:34.000 True.

01:38:35.000 And that's how comics feel when we see you doing easy jokes.

01:38:38.000 Yes.

01:38:38.000 We're booing.

01:38:39.000 We don't say it out loud, but in our head we're like, yes, they're all going to laugh at a joke about how women are smarter than men.

01:38:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:46.000 Because there's a bunch of dudes trying to get pussy that are at that show with the girl they're trying to get pussy from. 1.00

01:38:51.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:38:52.000 Exactly.

01:38:53.000 Yeah.

01:38:54.000 You know, so it's like...

01:38:55.000 How do you...

01:38:56.000 It's putting...

01:38:58.000 It's that world where it operates in.

01:39:00.000 And then the next thing is, I think, which I'm not there yet, but I get glimpses.

01:39:04.000 It's like, from nothing comes everything.

01:39:08.000 You know?

01:39:10.000 Like, for me, I remember for the show in the Comedy Store in LA when you walked in, like, that was crazy for me.

01:39:18.000 Because, obviously, any comic, you're, you know, watching this show and you're seeing, and you're like, man, it would be so cool one day to be on Joe Rogan's podcast, right?

01:39:26.000 And then, but it was nothing I would ever ask for.

01:39:31.000 Because I stopped asking.

01:39:32.000 I stopped feeling entitled to anything.

01:39:35.000 I just decided...

01:39:37.000 Like when you walked in, I was like, this is awesome.

01:39:40.000 Because I never expect.

01:39:41.000 See what I'm saying? 0.99

01:39:42.000 I only do the shit that I want to do because I can control that. 0.99

01:39:46.000 And if I just worry about expecting or wanting shit that I can't control, I'll be miserable. 0.99

01:39:51.000 So... 1.00

01:39:52.000 And you walked in and you did the fucking show and you're like, hey, I heard some good stuff and I want to check it out. 1.00

01:39:56.000 And I was like, that's fucking unreal. 1.00

01:39:58.000 And I was overwhelmed because I never expected shit. 0.99

01:40:02.000 And even in that moment, I wouldn't ask you to come on. 0.99

01:40:05.000 And I didn't care if I didn't come on. 0.99

01:40:07.000 I didn't give a fuck because I was so... 0.99

01:40:12.000 Grateful that that had happened. 0.98

01:40:14.000 It was almost like I was just true to comedy and all I wanted to do was good comedy. 0.99

01:40:18.000 And the fucking... 0.99

01:40:19.000 That's how it opens all the universe's doors. 1.00

01:40:22.000 Bro, that's it.

01:40:22.000 That's it.

01:40:23.000 That's fucking it. 0.99

01:40:24.000 Especially in this world, the world that we live in. 1.00

01:40:27.000 If you're doing real shit, people find out about it. 0.99

01:40:29.000 They will find out, man. 1.00

01:40:30.000 I hear about you.

01:40:31.000 I heard about you through several people.

01:40:33.000 And I was like, really?

01:40:34.000 Oh, okay.

01:40:35.000 Cool.

01:40:35.000 Let me check them out.

01:40:36.000 And then I saw some of your shit online. 1.00

01:40:38.000 I'm like, ah... 1.00

01:40:39.000 I could tell.

01:40:40.000 There's people that are doing the real thing.

01:40:42.000 They're out there really doing comedy.

01:40:44.000 And they're trying to make things funny.

01:40:47.000 And they're talking about controversial subjects and talking about different things and their perspective in life.

01:40:52.000 And they're not worried about the industry's opinion of them.

01:40:55.000 And what you said was so true that...

01:40:57.000 In the day, everybody was trying to get a sitcom, man.

01:41:00.000 And that's all they were doing.

01:41:01.000 They were doing these acts.

01:41:03.000 You would get actors who would get into comedy just so they could put together a seven-minute set so they could get a sitcom off of it.

01:41:09.000 And then they would stop doing stand-up.

01:41:11.000 It was a lot of that.

01:41:12.000 But that world dried up when the sitcom dried up.

01:41:16.000 And it happened right around the time that Fear Factor kicked.

01:41:19.000 Because when Fear Factor kicked in, reality TV show squashed all these sitcoms.

01:41:25.000 Which was really funny because some people were...

01:41:27.000 I had an argument with a comic about that. 0.88

01:41:31.000 And he's like, man, I just think it's fucked up that you're doing a reality TV show and supporting reality TV. I go, why? 0.87

01:41:36.000 He goes, because it takes jobs away from comics that write on sitcoms.

01:41:39.000 I go, hey man, I go, first of all, they're not writers on sitcoms.

01:41:45.000 They're taking a job writing on sitcoms while they're doing stand-up comedy. 0.99

01:41:49.000 They're fucking comics, okay? 1.00

01:41:51.000 I'm taking a job making people eat animal dicks while I'm doing comics. 1.00

01:41:55.000 The difference is, I'm still doing comedy, and these motherfuckers are just looking for some sort of gravy train to ride off into the sunset. 0.99

01:42:02.000 If the show was good, people would watch it instead of these reality shows, and then it wouldn't exist anymore. 0.98

01:42:10.000 But there were so many bad sitcoms that it opened the door to Real Housewives and all these other things, and the next thing you know... 0.66

01:42:18.000 Name me three sitcoms.

01:42:19.000 Go.

01:42:20.000 That are on right now.

01:42:20.000 Oh.

01:42:21.000 Can I take it one step further?

01:42:23.000 Yeah.

01:42:23.000 There'll never be another hit sitcom again.

01:42:25.000 It probably won't.

01:42:25.000 It is over.

01:42:26.000 It's probably over.

01:42:27.000 And I'm walking around the agency that I'm with yesterday, and I'm talking to people, and they don't get it.

01:42:33.000 No.

01:42:34.000 Bro, I felt like Christian Bale in The Big Short.

01:42:37.000 I'm just walking around.

01:42:39.000 It's over.

01:42:40.000 It's over.

01:42:40.000 Do you guys not know?

01:42:41.000 We need to write a show around you.

01:42:43.000 I'm like, guys, guys, guys.

01:42:45.000 There's no more.

01:42:46.000 You know what's really over?

01:42:47.000 Go. 0.99

01:42:48.000 You ever look at the fucking ratings for late night television? 1.00

01:42:50.000 Oh, it's done. 1.00

01:42:51.000 It's crazy.

01:42:52.000 Bro, this is why put your clips up.

01:42:55.000 You just put your clips up.

01:42:57.000 Put your clips up.

01:42:58.000 Instagram.

01:42:59.000 Look, everything that I've done, it's for comics.

01:43:02.000 Don't think that you're copying or anything like that.

01:43:05.000 It's for you.

01:43:06.000 Look at the blueprint.

01:43:07.000 Yeah.

01:43:09.000 Copy it.

01:43:10.000 Improve it.

01:43:10.000 Tell me how you improve it.

01:43:12.000 But empower yourself.

01:43:13.000 That's what this is for.

01:43:15.000 The blueprint of putting things up on YouTube.

01:43:16.000 Putting things up on YouTube, Instagram, Twitter.

01:43:19.000 And I have a lot of comics that reach out and just ask questions about.

01:43:21.000 I'm here as a resource for you.

01:43:23.000 Comedy is at its best when we are helping each other.

01:43:26.000 And New York doesn't get that right now just yet.

01:43:29.000 Well, there's less opportunity.

01:43:31.000 That's it.

01:43:32.000 You know, what happened in LA... But the sitcom thing, bro, you're a fucking... 1.00

01:43:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:43:36.000 Dude, it is so done.

01:43:38.000 It killed it.

01:43:39.000 You know how I know it's done?

01:43:40.000 What is your favorite scene in a sitcom?

01:43:42.000 Or what top five scene, just a scene you loved in a sitcom?

01:43:45.000 Even though I was in a sitcom for five years, I don't really watch them.

01:43:49.000 Okay, fair enough.

01:43:50.000 Well, I watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, but that's a single camera.

01:43:53.000 That doesn't count.

01:43:53.000 It's a little different because there's no audience.

01:43:55.000 But like...

01:43:56.000 Anybody listen right now, right?

01:43:58.000 You can think of one of your favorite scenes, right?

01:44:00.000 Try to think of how that episode began.

01:44:02.000 You don't know.

01:44:03.000 Try to think about how it ended.

01:44:04.000 You don't know.

01:44:05.000 Right.

01:44:06.000 Because the narrative was never important.

01:44:08.000 The narrative was to fill 30 minutes of time.

01:44:10.000 The only thing that was important were the five sketches that filled that 30 minutes of time.

01:44:14.000 22 minutes.

01:44:15.000 Or 22, yeah.

01:44:16.000 Exactly. 0.98

01:44:17.000 So it's like, those five sketches don't have to have that bullshit narrative, right? 0.99

01:44:22.000 Right. 0.99

01:44:23.000 So right now, you really just need four or five friends that are doing the same kind of funny shit. 0.98

01:44:28.000 We're already seeing the new sitcom right now. 0.96

01:44:30.000 It's already existing on Instagram.

01:44:32.000 It's just not a good art form.

01:44:34.000 If you watch like The Big Bang or Two and a Half Men or any of those.

01:44:38.000 And those are grandfathered in, right? 0.81

01:44:39.000 It's like that came from a time when it was there.

01:44:41.000 They're not...

01:44:43.000 They certainly don't stand up.

01:44:44.000 That's also why Netflix kicked in with a lot of their dramas.

01:44:49.000 Because they can get away with things on Stranger Things or on Ozark. 0.99

01:44:53.000 They can get away with shit you just could never fucking do on regular television. 0.99

01:44:57.000 It's way more wild. 1.00

01:44:58.000 It's way more raw.

01:44:59.000 It's like you're watching a better movie. 0.87

01:45:03.000 Because it used to be that if you did film, you didn't want to do television because television sucked. 0.75

01:45:08.000 Right?

01:45:08.000 Like television, you do an airwolf or something like that.

01:45:11.000 You're doing some terrible drama. 1.00

01:45:13.000 It's bullshit. 1.00

01:45:14.000 It's obvious. 1.00

01:45:15.000 You see it coming a mile away. 1.00

01:45:16.000 It's made for morons, right? 1.00

01:45:18.000 Or, you know, you did film. 1.00

01:45:20.000 And if you did film, boy, you got a chance to work with some of the most amazing directors and do these incredible pieces.

01:45:25.000 Right.

01:45:26.000 But Netflix came along, and really it was before Netflix, Sopranos laid the blueprint.

01:45:32.000 Exactly.

01:45:33.000 Sopranos laid the blueprint. 0.97

01:45:34.000 The Wire, Sopranos.

01:45:34.000 Yeah, The Wire.

01:45:35.000 I didn't watch The Wire, but it did the same sort of thing.

01:45:38.000 They created a new movie every week, and it all went together, and it lasted 100 hours.

01:45:45.000 Right.

01:45:45.000 And so you're like, oh my god, well regular movies is so shallow.

01:45:49.000 I'm not even getting into the characters, right?

01:45:51.000 Yeah, this guy's ten years later, you see him ten years later in the same movie?

01:45:54.000 Right.

01:45:55.000 And he's got a beard now? 1.00

01:45:56.000 What the fuck is this? 1.00

01:45:57.000 This is terrible. 1.00

01:45:58.000 And why is it?

01:46:00.000 Because movies got so expensive to make, you couldn't take risks on stories that we didn't already know about.

01:46:07.000 Movies became 200 million, right?

01:46:08.000 Or 100 million.

01:46:09.000 Now if I go to you and I'm like, okay, give me 200 million to make a movie about, it's this mob guy and he's kind of got like some anxiety... 1.00

01:46:17.000 You're like, are you out of your fucking mind? 0.99

01:46:19.000 Right. 1.00

01:46:19.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:46:20.000 But if I say, give me $200 million to make a movie about Marvel, it's like, oh, that has an existing fan base?

01:46:24.000 Yeah.

01:46:25.000 Is it based on a book or a comic?

01:46:26.000 So right now, the only movies we see are either big budget that have a built-in audience or $3 million comedy.

01:46:33.000 Mm-hmm.

01:46:34.000 Yeah.

01:46:34.000 Right?

01:46:35.000 That middle ground right there that used to be awesome movies?

01:46:38.000 TV. Yeah.

01:46:39.000 So now TV is the shit. 1.00

01:46:41.000 It's all these dope stores. 1.00

01:46:43.000 Like, Breaking Bad should have been a movie.

01:46:45.000 Right. 1.00

01:46:45.000 But they turned that motherfucker into a TV show. 1.00

01:46:47.000 Way better as a TV show. 1.00

01:46:48.000 Way better!

01:46:48.000 Yeah.

01:46:53.000 Yes.

01:47:09.000 The gatekeepers were either sitcoms, and the sitcoms was what everybody wanted to get, because if you got a sitcom, then you were all set.

01:47:16.000 You were Jerry Seinfeld, or you were Roseanne.

01:47:18.000 And then it became something along the line.

01:47:23.000 Russell and you, both guys, Russell Peters in particular, became gigantic, selling out arenas from YouTube.

01:47:30.000 That's where it came. 0.94

01:47:32.000 Little clips of his shit came up, and if you ever met Russell, he's one of the most generous guys in the world. 0.99

01:47:37.000 Super generous and friendly. 0.99

01:47:39.000 I know 10 comics whose rent he's paid.

01:47:40.000 He's the best.

01:47:41.000 He's just such a great guy.

01:47:42.000 But he's also a guy that recognizes that you've got to give some back.

01:47:47.000 And this just has his personality.

01:47:49.000 He's just a gregarious, outgoing guy.

01:47:53.000 All these podcasts that popped up, people realized, hey, we're not in competition with each other like Jay Leno and David Letterman were because everybody wanted the Tonight Show spot.

01:48:02.000 Now there's a thousand Tonight Shows.

01:48:04.000 And if you have the Tonight Show and I have the Tonight Show, I'm like, hey, you should check out Andrew's Tonight Show. 0.98

01:48:08.000 It's fucking great. 0.97

01:48:10.000 This is okay. 0.99

01:48:11.000 This is the Tonight Show.

01:48:12.000 You're Carson.

01:48:13.000 But we figured out a way.

01:48:14.000 You're Carson now.

01:48:16.000 You know that, right?

01:48:18.000 That's the difference.

01:48:19.000 That's the shift.

01:48:20.000 That's why Netflix can't even compete.

01:48:22.000 Netflix is done.

01:48:23.000 They're not done.

01:48:24.000 Done.

01:48:25.000 What are you talking about?

01:48:26.000 You see Charlie Wilson's War?

01:48:28.000 No.

01:48:29.000 Tom Hanks movie about America getting involved with the Afghan conflict.

01:48:33.000 I didn't see it.

01:48:34.000 It doesn't really matter.

01:48:35.000 But the idea is this.

01:48:36.000 They're fighting the Russians, the Afghanis, right? 1.00

01:48:38.000 Right.

01:48:39.000 So the Americans go, okay, boom.

01:48:41.000 Give them a $5,000 rocket launcher and they're going to shoot down...

01:48:44.000 A $5 million helicopter.

01:48:46.000 And eventually Russia just won't be able to compete.

01:48:48.000 Right?

01:48:49.000 Netflix pays $100 million to Aaron Sorkin or whoever to make a TV show.

01:48:54.000 Right.

01:48:55.000 That distracts you for two hours.

01:48:56.000 Right.

01:48:57.000 YouTube pays $0 million to Joe Rogan and Jamie to make a podcast that distracts you for two hours every day.

01:49:08.000 Netflix cannot compete.

01:49:10.000 Right.

01:49:10.000 But it's a different animal.

01:49:11.000 You've got to realize, first of all, they have way more people than just me.

01:49:14.000 They also are putting together something that requires a lot of money to create.

01:49:18.000 If you enjoy films, or if you enjoy a show like Ozark or Stranger Things, it takes a lot of money to make those things.

01:49:26.000 There's special effects, there's camera people and makeup people.

01:49:30.000 There's a lot going on.

01:49:32.000 Writers and directors and producers and actors. 0.99

01:49:35.000 It's a giant fucking... 0.99

01:49:38.000 Tent filled with people. 1.00

01:49:39.000 Sure, but people aren't watching it.

01:49:40.000 You know what they're watching?

01:49:40.000 A lot of people are watching that.

01:49:41.000 They're watching Friends.

01:49:42.000 No, no, no.

01:49:42.000 They're watching Friends.

01:49:43.000 Dude, there's a reason they paid off.

01:49:45.000 Friends is terrible.

01:49:46.000 Bro, it doesn't matter if it's terrible.

01:49:47.000 Jamie, the two most viewed shows on Netflix right now, Netflix doesn't own.

01:49:51.000 Okay?

01:49:52.000 Netflix isn't even trying to make money anymore.

01:49:53.000 They're getting bought out.

01:49:54.000 It's Facebook, Amazon.

01:49:55.000 They're getting bought out by who?

01:49:56.000 They want to.

01:49:57.000 That's the goal, the strategy now.

01:49:58.000 They're $10 billion in debt.

01:49:59.000 There's no way they can make money.

01:50:00.000 They're 10 billion in debt?

01:50:01.000 10 billion!

01:50:02.000 Billion!

01:50:03.000 But they make hundreds of millions of dollars a month.

01:50:06.000 How many people do they have on board?

01:50:09.000 How many subscribers do they have that are paying $9?

01:50:14.000 As far as I know, they don't share that information.

01:50:16.000 They're killing it in terms of subscribers, but they're $10 billion in debt.

01:50:19.000 They just took on another $2 billion.

01:50:20.000 When I say Netflix is done, anytime I make declarations, I'm speaking in the future.

01:50:24.000 I'm like, we're preparing now for the future.

01:50:27.000 Here it goes.

01:50:29.000 Netflix will keep friends through next year in a $100 million agreement.

01:50:32.000 They're paying $100 million, right?

01:50:34.000 For one year of Friends.

01:50:36.000 And then The Office, too.

01:50:37.000 You know what that is, though?

01:50:37.000 That's like nostalgia.

01:50:39.000 Nostalgia, right?

01:50:39.000 So all viewing right now is nostalgia.

01:50:42.000 No, not all viewing.

01:50:43.000 Well, if you look at TV, right?

01:50:44.000 What did great this past year is in TV, right?

01:50:47.000 The OJ trial on FX. What is that?

01:50:50.000 I remember I was when the OJ thing came out.

01:50:52.000 Did that do that great?

01:50:53.000 Killed it.

01:50:54.000 Really?

01:50:54.000 Won all the awards, everything.

01:50:56.000 The Versace story, which is another thing.

01:50:58.000 Am I that out of the loop?

01:51:01.000 139 million.

01:51:02.000 139 million subscribers paying $10 a month.

01:51:06.000 Is that what it is?

01:51:06.000 How much does it cost?

01:51:07.000 Something like that.

01:51:07.000 Maybe even more.

01:51:08.000 Maybe 11. How much does it cost?

01:51:10.000 They just bumped it up to $12, I think.

01:51:12.000 $12 a month.

01:51:12.000 Sure.

01:51:13.000 That, ladies and gentlemen, is a fuckload of income.

01:51:16.000 Sure.

01:51:16.000 So they got a lot coming in, but they're spending a lot, too, because they're trying to overtake all the others.

01:51:22.000 And then they got Jeff Bezos, you know, Captain Moneybags up there, Scrooge McDuck.

01:51:26.000 Right.

01:51:26.000 He's trying to do the same thing.

01:51:28.000 Facebook should buy it.

01:51:28.000 Which is where I saw you on Sneaky Pete.

01:51:31.000 Yeah.

01:51:32.000 I was like, Andrew.

01:51:33.000 But that's the thing. 1.00

01:51:34.000 Bezos can lose money on this shit because he's making tons of money on paper towels. 1.00

01:51:37.000 I wonder how much he is losing, right? 1.00

01:51:39.000 Because he's got a lot of fucking series that ain't nobody watching on that. 0.98

01:51:42.000 Yeah, just put it out there. 0.98

01:51:42.000 But he's doing something that's even more weird. 0.98

01:51:46.000 Okay.

01:51:47.000 Because there's no one watching those shows.

01:51:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:49.000 There's a ton of fucking shows on Amazon that fucking no one's watching. 1.00

01:51:55.000 I would like to see their numbers. 1.00

01:51:56.000 Because I bet they have some shows that they might have spent a million dollars to make and have like four viewers.

01:52:02.000 Yeah.

01:52:03.000 No one watched these shows.

01:52:04.000 They were just going after awards. 0.98

01:52:06.000 Their thing was, we're going to make the artsiest shit, Hollywood's going to give us a Grammy or something like that, and then it will qualify our platform. 0.96

01:52:13.000 It's a smart approach. 0.95

01:52:14.000 YouTube's approach was the exact opposite.

01:52:15.000 We're just going to create the stuff that we think people want to watch.

01:52:19.000 Well, YouTube doesn't create much.

01:52:21.000 They did a little, and they took down the paywall.

01:52:23.000 My guess with YouTube is they're waiting for Netflix.

01:52:27.000 You know that scene in the movie where somebody's caught in an enclosed space and water starts coming in?

01:52:34.000 And the water gets right up to his lips.

01:52:37.000 He's trying to breathe a little bit more.

01:52:39.000 And I think YouTube is going to be the one to pour the last drop of water.

01:52:42.000 I think it's such a different thing.

01:52:44.000 I think you're talking about two totally different things because Netflix is never aimed to be a user-created content streaming site.

01:52:50.000 Right.

01:52:51.000 They're not.

01:52:51.000 But at the end of the day, it's just distraction.

01:52:53.000 I think that's what we've got to start looking at content as.

01:52:57.000 It's just raw distraction.

01:53:00.000 Netflix occupies a space for distraction that's smaller than YouTube.

01:53:04.000 So I can watch a two-hour thing on YouTube at home on my TV. I can watch a two-minute thing on the bus as I'm going to work on YouTube.

01:53:13.000 I can watch a 15-minute piece, like vlog or something like that.

01:53:18.000 I can watch the whole spectrum.

01:53:20.000 Netflix, I'm really just watching at home or like if I'm on a trip.

01:53:24.000 You know what I mean?

01:53:24.000 It's really...

01:53:25.000 I'm not watching a two-minute thing on Netflix.

01:53:27.000 Right.

01:53:27.000 You know what I mean?

01:53:28.000 It is the shit for now. 0.99

01:53:30.000 Don't get me wrong. 1.00

01:53:30.000 It's absolutely the shit for now. 1.00

01:53:32.000 Right? 0.99

01:53:33.000 But if I was being...

01:53:35.000 If I'm putting my money on it, I would say...

01:53:38.000 If I'm Facebook, I buy it.

01:53:40.000 And then imagine having your Facebook feed.

01:53:44.000 You just watch the show.

01:53:45.000 And then you get to share it immediately on your Facebook feed.

01:53:48.000 If I was Facebook, I'd be super careful about buying anything because I think the government's been thinking about breaking them up for a while.

01:53:55.000 Elizabeth Warren is already talking about that.

01:53:57.000 That's one of the parts of her platform in running for president is breaking up Apple, breaking up Facebook, breaking up Twitter. 1.00

01:54:05.000 She wants to break up all these things she thinks are monopolies. 1.00

01:54:07.000 What's your feeling on that? 0.99

01:54:08.000 Get the fuck out of here with that. 1.00

01:54:10.000 She is goofy, man. 1.00

01:54:12.000 She's goofy as fuck. 1.00

01:54:13.000 What's up? 1.00

01:54:13.000 The Disney takeover of 21st Century Fox takes place, I think, next week, the 20th. 1.00

01:54:19.000 They're going to put out their own streaming service.

01:54:21.000 They've bought everything except for Fox News and Fox Sports.

01:54:24.000 They took over all of their production, movie facilities.

01:54:28.000 Like 5,000 people might be losing their job because Disney doesn't need them.

01:54:32.000 But all that content's coming off of Netflix. 0.91

01:54:34.000 All those Marvel shows, all that shit is going to come over to them. 0.98

01:54:37.000 Really? 0.99

01:54:37.000 So now they're going to have a nice competition. 0.99

01:54:39.000 Man, I wonder if that's why they've been canceling all these Marvel shows on Netflix.

01:54:42.000 Absolutely.

01:54:42.000 Why would I keep investing in something that you're going to take off?

01:54:45.000 Like I'm going to build up a brand and then you're going to remove it?

01:54:47.000 Right.

01:54:48.000 You own it.

01:54:48.000 So they've got all the kids' movies.

01:54:51.000 You're a dad.

01:54:52.000 You know what I mean?

01:54:53.000 Dude, I go to Disneyland twice a year at least.

01:54:55.000 What, you're going to not have a streaming Disney program for your kids?

01:54:58.000 Well, they all...

01:54:58.000 Apple's also starting their streaming service soon.

01:55:01.000 Right, isn't it like tomorrow or some shit? 0.59

01:55:02.000 No one knows when, but tons of rumors are coming out today. 0.96

01:55:06.000 You know what it's like?

01:55:07.000 You know the perestroika? 0.51

01:55:08.000 Like what happened in Russia where overnight it fell and they sold off the state assets to a few people and everybody became billionaires?

01:55:15.000 That's what's happening right now in entertainment, dude. 0.98

01:55:17.000 People don't realize it, but it's fucking done. 0.96

01:55:21.000 The days of fame being about distance... 0.99

01:55:26.000 Are done.

01:55:27.000 Distance?

01:55:28.000 Distance.

01:55:28.000 Like, I'm Johnny Depp.

01:55:30.000 I'm going to go away to my little home somewhere in the Alps and you will see me twice a year.

01:55:35.000 You know, and I'm weird.

01:55:36.000 I'm Marlon Brando.

01:55:37.000 I'm out here.

01:55:37.000 I'm weird.

01:55:38.000 I'm different.

01:55:39.000 You know, it's like, now it's proximity.

01:55:41.000 There's no value in being weird anymore?

01:55:43.000 Bro.

01:55:44.000 Marlon Brando, Tyler Perry has an island, bro.

01:55:47.000 Really?

01:55:48.000 Mm-hmm.

01:55:50.000 That's interesting.

01:55:51.000 It is.

01:55:52.000 Have you been invited?

01:55:52.000 No.

01:55:53.000 No. 0.99

01:55:53.000 That's fucked up. 0.99

01:55:55.000 I don't want to go. 1.00

01:55:55.000 I ain't going to anybody's fucking island. 1.00

01:55:57.000 That's my rule. 0.99

01:55:58.000 Bronson.

01:55:59.000 Somebody wants to ask me?

01:56:00.000 Bronson?

01:56:00.000 The virgin dude?

01:56:02.000 Richard Bronson or whatever his name is.

01:56:03.000 Oh, Branson.

01:56:04.000 Branson, yeah. 1.00

01:56:04.000 No, I ain't going to this fucking island. 1.00

01:56:05.000 I don't want to hang out with that dude. 0.99

01:56:06.000 You want to jet ski with Branson?

01:56:07.000 Why?

01:56:09.000 When I could jet ski with Joey Diaz.

01:56:10.000 Listen, I'm not hanging out with any dude who has an island. 0.99

01:56:14.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:56:15.000 Why? 1.00

01:56:16.000 I'm not going to your island because they always want you to go to their island. 0.99

01:56:18.000 Like, bitch, I ain't going to your island ever. 1.00

01:56:20.000 Why can't we just go to the diner? 1.00

01:56:21.000 No, I'll go to Oahu.

01:56:23.000 Who's that?

01:56:24.000 Eddie Murphy.

01:56:24.000 Eddie Murphy has an island?

01:56:25.000 Yep.

01:56:26.000 What?

01:56:26.000 The Bahamas.

01:56:27.000 Would you go to Eddie's?

01:56:29.000 I might go to Eddie's.

01:56:30.000 You gotta go to Eddie's.

01:56:30.000 I like Eddie's.

01:56:31.000 I met Eddie and I was good friends with his brother.

01:56:34.000 And?

01:56:34.000 Good guy?

01:56:35.000 Charlie was the best.

01:56:37.000 Charlie was the greatest guy of all time.

01:56:38.000 Yeah.

01:56:40.000 I met Eddie.

01:56:41.000 When I met Eddie Murphy, I met Eddie Murphy in Maui. 1.00

01:56:45.000 And the first words out of his mouth, he goes, You a funny motherfucker! 1.00

01:56:48.000 I was like, God damn, yes! 1.00

01:56:50.000 This is recently? 0.99

01:56:51.000 No, years ago.

01:56:53.000 Maybe more than 10 years ago.

01:56:54.000 Yeah, that's...

01:56:55.000 Like 2007, something like that.

01:56:57.000 That would be unreal.

01:56:57.000 Eddie Murphy saying you're funny.

01:56:58.000 It was crazy.

01:56:59.000 In Hawaii with my family.

01:57:01.000 How'd you react?

01:57:01.000 I was like, thank you.

01:57:03.000 Like, what do you say? 1.00

01:57:04.000 When Eddie Murphy says you're a funny motherfucker, I'm like, holy shit. 1.00

01:57:08.000 Wow. 1.00

01:57:09.000 Felt great.

01:57:11.000 You look at your wife and be like, see? 0.99

01:57:13.000 Fucking chuckle every once in a while. 0.99

01:57:20.000 Honestly, at home, I'm not that funny. 0.99

01:57:22.000 My wife cracks most of the jokes. 0.99

01:57:24.000 Really?

01:57:24.000 Yeah, I don't have to be funny.

01:57:27.000 I don't need it.

01:57:29.000 It's one of the reasons why I like to hang around with Joey Diaz, because he's always funny.

01:57:33.000 And he's always the funny guy.

01:57:35.000 I like it.

01:57:37.000 You know, I like being around funny people, man.

01:57:41.000 The thing about comics, especially the needy, annoying ones, in the early days, like early days of your career, they have to be the center of attention. 0.99

01:57:50.000 That shit is really annoying. 0.94

01:57:52.000 And one of the things that you learn for sure about hosting a podcast is you don't really want to be the center of attention. 1.00

01:57:58.000 You just want to facilitate a conversation.

01:58:00.000 You just want to make the best...

01:58:03.000 Creation.

01:58:03.000 What's the best creation?

01:58:04.000 If the best creation is let this guy rant, you got to let him rant.

01:58:07.000 Get out of the way. 0.53

01:58:08.000 If the best creation is you rant with him and you jump in together and you go back and forth like a game of tennis, then you do it that way.

01:58:14.000 But you have to be able to feel the vibe.

01:58:16.000 And then some people are not going to like it that way.

01:58:18.000 They're going to want, why don't you let your guest talk? 0.99

01:58:21.000 People love to say shit like that. 0.99

01:58:23.000 Why are you interrupting his rants? 1.00

01:58:25.000 People love to say things like that.

01:58:27.000 You're trying to make a creation.

01:58:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:58:30.000 Comics are now great listeners.

01:58:32.000 Some of them are.

01:58:33.000 Well, the ones that are are great at this.

01:58:35.000 Yeah, right.

01:58:36.000 And the ones that aren't, it's tough for them to do this.

01:58:39.000 And people know, man.

01:58:41.000 It's how...

01:58:43.000 How comfortable is it when it gets in through their ears?

01:58:46.000 Is it getting in easy or is it like, ugh, this guy's annoying!

01:58:51.000 I'll bring on a guest and I'll hear the guest say something and I just cringe because I anticipate the comments.

01:58:58.000 I'm just like, dude, you're about to get crushed by the weight of the world.

01:59:02.000 Will you quiet somebody?

01:59:05.000 No.

01:59:06.000 I mean, if I have to.

01:59:07.000 I try not to.

01:59:09.000 If I have to correct them.

01:59:11.000 Like, if they're saying something that I know to be inaccurate.

01:59:13.000 If it's in my wheelhouse.

01:59:15.000 Like, sometimes people say something and I'll just say, that's not true.

01:59:19.000 Here's why that's not true. 0.99

01:59:20.000 You know, I've had people say some goofy shit. 0.99

01:59:24.000 And it just happens to be something I know a lot about. 0.99

01:59:26.000 And then I have to stop it.

01:59:28.000 Yeah, okay, that makes sense.

01:59:31.000 But for the most part, I want people to just be themselves.

01:59:35.000 I've got to figure out how to get you to be yourself.

01:59:37.000 That's what a lot of this is.

01:59:38.000 Make you comfortable, make you realize that I just want you to do great.

01:59:42.000 I want everybody to do great.

01:59:43.000 Are you ever intimidated?

01:59:45.000 By a guest?

01:59:46.000 Yeah.

01:59:46.000 By their intellect, yeah.

01:59:47.000 Like Elon Musk was intimidating.

01:59:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:59:49.000 Talking to him, because you realize what a chimp you are. 0.99

01:59:52.000 Did you feel that way? 0.99

01:59:53.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:59:53.000 I'm a fucking dummy, man. 1.00

01:59:56.000 I'm talking to this guy. 1.00

01:59:57.000 I'm like, I'm a fucking chimp. 1.00

01:59:58.000 Here's a question. 1.00

02:00:01.000 I felt like a chimp.

02:00:03.000 I'm like, look at him.

02:00:03.000 I'm like, yeah, so you gotta go to Mars, huh?

02:00:07.000 Cool.

02:00:07.000 Wanna smoke some weed?

02:00:08.000 Yeah.

02:00:13.000 That's what it felt like.

02:00:15.000 Somebody's got to make a cut of that.

02:00:16.000 Like your chip moments. 0.99

02:00:18.000 This motherfucker's making electric cars. 0.99

02:00:21.000 He's sending rockets into space. 0.99

02:00:23.000 He's drilling holes under the ground. 0.89

02:00:25.000 You had to dumb them down with the weed.

02:00:26.000 He's making solar cities.

02:00:28.000 It didn't even work.

02:00:31.000 So here's my take on it, right?

02:00:32.000 I'm watching Musk, right?

02:00:35.000 And he basically is opening up to you about how he's not happy.

02:00:39.000 Yeah.

02:00:40.000 Right?

02:00:40.000 There's this moment where he's like, I think he says something to the extent of...

02:00:44.000 You wouldn't want to be me.

02:00:45.000 Yeah.

02:00:45.000 He's just his exact words.

02:00:47.000 He wouldn't want to be me.

02:00:48.000 He wouldn't want to be me.

02:00:48.000 So that means he doesn't want to be him.

02:00:52.000 On some level, he doesn't want to be him, right?

02:00:56.000 Yeah.

02:00:56.000 And he's...

02:00:59.000 So with these guys that we admire because they're so brilliant and they have all these brilliant ideas and we're put in this matrix of...

02:01:06.000 We're all in this success matrix on some level, right?

02:01:08.000 Where it's like, get things done, good.

02:01:10.000 Don't get things done, bad.

02:01:12.000 Right?

02:01:13.000 Right.

02:01:14.000 I wonder if he's chimpish in that he's potentially wasting his life being upset or miserable when he could be focusing on things that would give him joy. 1.00

02:01:29.000 Is that being a fucking chimp? 1.00

02:01:33.000 Is being so smart that you don't even try to just be happy and focus on your happiness? 0.99

02:01:39.000 I don't necessarily think he's unhappy, but I do think that he puts himself into situations where the amount of stress that he absorbs is almost unfathomable.

02:01:49.000 Like when he was trying to get the Tesla Model 3 production schedule ramped up, he was sleeping on the floor of the factory and working Literally working like 19, 20 hours a day.

02:02:00.000 That's untenable.

02:02:02.000 You can only do that for short periods of time.

02:02:04.000 But I think that what I was saying about Kanye West applies to him tenfold.

02:02:10.000 He's got a power output that's extraordinarily different than the average person.

02:02:15.000 And that's one of the things he was talking about when he was young.

02:02:17.000 I mean, you could probably put him on some sort of a...

02:02:20.000 I don't know what the super genius spectrum is.

02:02:24.000 What's Albert Einstein?

02:02:26.000 What's this guy?

02:02:28.000 What's that guy?

02:02:28.000 He's in there somewhere in this crazy realm of the way a brain works.

02:02:35.000 I think that brains are like all other body parts. 0.97

02:02:39.000 Some people are born with little tiny dicks, and some people got giant hogs, and that's just a fact. 0.99

02:02:44.000 And I think that dude has a giant hog of a brain. 0.98

02:02:51.000 And it just works better. 0.98

02:02:53.000 It just is operating on a level that you and I can't comprehend. 0.81

02:02:58.000 I never invented a goddamn thing in my life, but I'm driving around in Elon Musk's car. 1.00

02:03:03.000 That motherfucker made a car. 1.00

02:03:05.000 And that's like some shit he does on the side. 1.00

02:03:07.000 His car thing is like after he invented PayPal. 0.98

02:03:11.000 By the way, while he's doing the car, he's shooting rockets into space and drilling holes into the ground.

02:03:16.000 He's trying to move traffic underground.

02:03:19.000 He's making solar cities. 0.93

02:03:21.000 Like, he's hooking up Australia with these massive solar panel power battery plants that fucking fix their energy needs. 0.53

02:03:31.000 He's on another level. 0.87

02:03:33.000 No doubt on another level.

02:03:34.000 It's a different thing.

02:03:35.000 But is he happy, Joe?

02:03:37.000 I don't know.

02:03:39.000 He's a nice guy.

02:03:40.000 When you hang around with him, he seems happy.

02:03:43.000 Yeah, I mean, yeah.

02:03:45.000 But what is happy, right?

02:03:46.000 Is he happy in bursts? 0.98

02:03:48.000 Well, I guarantee you, when I saw him and he was shooting his fucking flamethrower in my foyer, he was happy. 0.97

02:03:55.000 Your foyer? 0.99

02:03:56.000 Yeah, right out here, man.

02:03:57.000 Right out here! 1.00

02:03:58.000 He had a fucking flamethrower. 1.00

02:04:00.000 He was tapping that bitch when he walked into the door. 1.00

02:04:02.000 He's unboxing it. 0.99

02:04:04.000 In the middle of this hallway out here, there's a picture of him standing in front of the freak party sign, blowing flames out.

02:04:13.000 Look at that! 1.00

02:04:15.000 That fucking guy's a maniac! 1.00

02:04:17.000 Look at the smile on his face! 1.00

02:04:19.000 You can't tell him he's not happy, bro.

02:04:20.000 Look at that smile! 1.00

02:04:22.000 He's happy as fuck! 1.00

02:04:23.000 It's because he's a kid, man! 1.00

02:04:25.000 In a lot of ways. 0.99

02:04:27.000 Dude, there's this fucking guy, I forget his name, this is Dr. Rapai or something like that. 0.99

02:04:32.000 He's like this French consultant. 0.99

02:04:33.000 He's like some fucking genius and he's like decoded cultures, right? 0.99

02:04:37.000 And every culture he's decoded and people hire him to consult, right? 0.99

02:04:41.000 And like America's code is...

02:04:44.000 It's the verb is to do and the time is now, right?

02:04:47.000 And we're just kids at the end of the day, right? 0.98

02:04:49.000 It's like everything we love, big tits in America, right? 1.00

02:04:53.000 Big, most popular plastic surgery is big tits. 1.00

02:04:55.000 And like France, most popular plastic surgery is getting tits reduced, right? 1.00

02:04:59.000 Right?

02:05:00.000 Everything about them is, like, precision and, like, the food on the plate.

02:05:04.000 Is that really their most popular plastic surgeon?

02:05:05.000 That's what he said.

02:05:07.000 Maybe it's changed to, like, lips or something more common now, but maybe the one you have to go under.

02:05:11.000 Lips are a dark one. 1.00

02:05:12.000 Don't fuck with your lips, ladies. 1.00

02:05:13.000 Oh, I like it when they get a little lips, if they have none. 1.00

02:05:15.000 No, if you have a fucking beak, you want to have a little something. 0.99

02:05:18.000 You see the thing in there. 1.00

02:05:20.000 It's like, it, like, lets you know they're extra needy.

02:05:24.000 There's like something going on.

02:05:25.000 They wanted their lips to be, you know, there's like a symmetrical proportion that your face is supposed to fall into this Fibonacci sequence of numbers.

02:05:34.000 Like, if you get a nose job, I look at you and I go, what's wrong with his nose?

02:05:39.000 Like, something is wrong.

02:05:41.000 It registers wrong in my head because your face, like Ari, perfect example. 0.99

02:05:45.000 If Ari got a nose job, you're like, what the fuck is happening here? 1.00

02:05:48.000 Yes. 1.00

02:05:49.000 What's wrong with your face?

02:05:50.000 Yeah.

02:05:50.000 Like if Ari had like a small Irish person's nose, he'd be like, what is happening here?

02:05:55.000 This doesn't even make any sense.

02:05:57.000 Yeah, maybe not for his face.

02:05:58.000 No, for his face.

02:05:59.000 There's a sequence.

02:06:00.000 Like your lips match your face.

02:06:02.000 They match how far your eyes are apart, where your nose is.

02:06:06.000 When you see a girl and she's a little tiny, little skinny thing with little fingers, and all of a sudden she's got this.

02:06:11.000 Yes.

02:06:11.000 These big weird lips.

02:06:13.000 Yeah, but don't we like things that like stand out? 1.00

02:06:14.000 Like we like skinny with big tits. 1.00

02:06:16.000 We do. 0.99

02:06:17.000 We're drawn to it, right?

02:06:18.000 We're drawn to things that are abnormal. 0.99

02:06:19.000 Nice big butt. 1.00

02:06:20.000 It's a trick. 0.99

02:06:21.000 The big tit one is a trick because it represents sexual viability. 0.89

02:06:27.000 It represents your ability to breastfeed a child, which is attractive to your genes.

02:06:33.000 It doesn't make any sense that you would know that there's a bag of water available.

02:06:38.000 Underneath her skin that she had a tube down her throat taped to her face. 1.00

02:06:42.000 She's half dead.

02:06:44.000 They're cutting her open with a sharp knife and stuffing this bag of water under the meat of her breast tissue. 1.00

02:06:53.000 Or they're cutting her nipple off and opening it up like a fucking manhole cover and pumping that fucker in there. 1.00

02:06:59.000 It's crazy. 1.00

02:07:00.000 We know that that's what happened and we still think it's hot.

02:07:03.000 All those things are nuts, man.

02:07:05.000 Reptilian, bro. 0.96

02:07:06.000 It's in here.

02:07:07.000 We can't help it. 0.96

02:07:08.000 But, like, it bothers me when it's a butt. 0.95

02:07:11.000 When it's a fake butt, it bothers me. 0.99

02:07:14.000 Like, if there was a way that a girl could lift weights at the gym and make her tits bigger, and she went and got fake tits, you wouldn't like them as much. 1.00

02:07:21.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute. 0.99

02:07:22.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:07:23.000 Like, knowing you can earn it.

02:07:24.000 Yeah, you can earn it.

02:07:25.000 Yeah, it's lazy. 0.98

02:07:26.000 The butt thing is lazy. 1.00

02:07:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:07:28.000 The butt thing, it throws you off if it doesn't match the legs. 1.00

02:07:31.000 Like, if a girl's got a big butt, she's got some legs, like, damn, this bitch is deadlifting. 1.00

02:07:36.000 You know, like, that's hot. 1.00

02:07:37.000 Yeah.

02:07:38.000 I've never said that in my head, but I know what you're talking about.

02:07:41.000 You never said that? 1.00

02:07:41.000 This bitch is deadlifted. 1.00

02:07:43.000 You never said that? 1.00

02:07:44.000 I see a girl with big hamstrings. 1.00

02:07:47.000 This bitch could squat. 1.00

02:07:48.000 I say that all the time. 1.00

02:07:50.000 I just don't work out enough, I guess. 1.00

02:07:51.000 I like girls with legs that look like they can carry shit. 1.00

02:07:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:07:55.000 It's hot.

02:07:56.000 Yeah.

02:07:56.000 Do you like girls to squat?

02:07:58.000 No.

02:07:58.000 I'm heavy.

02:08:00.000 If a girl's carrying me around, she's going to get tired. 1.00

02:08:03.000 But I like girls that are athletic, that have power. 1.00

02:08:08.000 I like it.

02:08:09.000 It's hot. 1.00

02:08:10.000 So if a girl's got a big ass because she's squatting, that's hot. 1.00

02:08:13.000 If a girl's got a big ass because she went through surgery, I'm like, bitch, you're going to get cancer. 1.00

02:08:17.000 They're getting ass cancer now. 1.00

02:08:19.000 Do you know that? 0.98

02:08:20.000 Way...

02:08:21.000 Yes.

02:08:22.000 From the implants.

02:08:22.000 From implants.

02:08:23.000 Yes, they're starting to see cases of butt cancer.

02:08:26.000 Whoa, Jack!

02:08:27.000 That's what you like.

02:08:28.000 That's what I'm talking about, son.

02:08:29.000 Bro, that is...

02:08:30.000 That's power.

02:08:30.000 No, that's too strong for me.

02:08:31.000 Oh, don't be scared.

02:08:33.000 I'm afraid of that.

02:08:34.000 That girl will hurt you. 1.00

02:08:35.000 She will.

02:08:36.000 Yeah, that is... 1.00

02:08:37.000 That's like trying to fuck a CrossFitter's fist. 1.00

02:08:41.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:08:42.000 Like, the power that she must have in that.

02:08:44.000 Bro, look at that leg, dude.

02:08:46.000 Fantastic.

02:08:46.000 That's just a hawk.

02:08:47.000 Outstanding.

02:08:48.000 I mean, the butt cheeks are nice.

02:08:49.000 It's the thigh meat that's too much.

02:08:51.000 She's an athlete.

02:08:52.000 I like it.

02:08:53.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:08:54.000 I like that. 0.99

02:08:55.000 If that girl's in a miniskirt, if she's not flexing, she probably looks hot as fuck. 1.00

02:08:59.000 So you're into a very strong... 0.99

02:09:01.000 Yeah.

02:09:01.000 I like good jeans.

02:09:03.000 There's gotta be other ones, Jamie.

02:09:05.000 I mean, this girl has massive quads. 1.00

02:09:07.000 She's stacked.

02:09:07.000 That girl's stacked.

02:09:09.000 The only problem with those gals is that there is a reality to certain levels of musculature that most likely they're only achieved by injecting male hormones. 0.99

02:09:21.000 So the clits kind of get big or whatever? 1.00

02:09:23.000 A little bit.

02:09:24.000 Have you?

02:09:24.000 A little bit.

02:09:25.000 Never seen that. 1.00

02:09:26.000 Are you allowed to like fuck around? 1.00

02:09:27.000 What's your relationship with your wife? 1.00

02:09:28.000 No, no, no.

02:09:28.000 Definitely not.

02:09:29.000 No, no, no.

02:09:30.000 Okay.

02:09:30.000 How long have you been married?

02:09:31.000 Ten years.

02:09:32.000 Ten years.

02:09:33.000 Almost.

02:09:33.000 Close enough.

02:09:34.000 Yeah.

02:09:35.000 Okay.

02:09:35.000 And then how do you navigate that?

02:09:38.000 How do you jack off?

02:09:38.000 No, no.

02:09:39.000 Could you please explain to me how you do this masturbation thing? 0.99

02:09:42.000 What do you do? 0.99

02:09:42.000 What do you jack off? 0.99

02:09:43.000 Exactly.

02:09:44.000 How does it work?

02:09:44.000 Okay.

02:09:44.000 Yeah.

02:09:45.000 This level of athleticism, you know what I'm saying?

02:09:48.000 Yeah.

02:09:49.000 There's a certain line that they are crossing that most likely is because of male hormones.

02:09:56.000 Yeah, I can get into it.

02:09:57.000 There's some level to that.

02:09:59.000 Do they grow some hair?

02:09:59.000 Jiu-Jitsu girls.

02:10:00.000 There's a lot of Jiu-Jitsu girls that are competitive Jiu-Jitsu girls that start doing a little bit of steroids. 1.00

02:10:04.000 They start taking a little bit of testosterone.

02:10:06.000 A friend of mine's wife was doing that, and I was like, yikes.

02:10:09.000 You saw the difference.

02:10:09.000 She's like, yeah, she's really getting into Jiu-Jitsu.

02:10:11.000 She's competing. 0.90

02:10:13.000 And she's starting to take a little bit of testosterone. 1.00

02:10:15.000 I was like, okay.

02:10:17.000 You know what happens though?

02:10:19.000 They get horny.

02:10:20.000 Really? 0.90

02:10:20.000 Like a dude. 0.90

02:10:21.000 Really?

02:10:22.000 Yeah.

02:10:22.000 But they got this big dangling clip.

02:10:24.000 No, no, no.

02:10:25.000 It only gets big when they go whole hog.

02:10:28.000 Like when they go bodybuilder.

02:10:30.000 How big?

02:10:30.000 When they go bodybuilder.

02:10:31.000 Wait, have you?

02:10:31.000 It gets big.

02:10:32.000 Back in the day.

02:10:33.000 Way back in the day.

02:10:34.000 No, no, no. 0.99

02:10:34.000 Never fucked a girl who was a bodybuilder. 0.99

02:10:36.000 Never once. 1.00

02:10:36.000 Never. 1.00

02:10:37.000 No. 1.00

02:10:37.000 Did fuck a girl who was very fit and strong, but she had a normal vagina. 1.00

02:10:42.000 Normal clit. 1.00

02:10:42.000 Totally normal clit. 1.00

02:10:43.000 She had a six-pack, though. 0.99

02:10:45.000 It's kind of weird.

02:10:45.000 Okay, yeah.

02:10:46.000 It's a little...

02:10:46.000 She was strong.

02:10:47.000 It's not feminine. 0.59

02:10:48.000 But this clit thing fascinates me. 1.00

02:10:50.000 So the clit, it just... 1.00

02:10:52.000 Is there like... 0.86

02:10:53.000 You can't put a picture of that up.

02:10:54.000 Can we look at that?

02:10:55.000 No.

02:10:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:10:56.000 No.

02:10:56.000 YouTube will pull us.

02:10:57.000 Can you pull it up?

02:10:58.000 Well, it doesn't...

02:10:58.000 You know what it is.

02:10:59.000 It's a little dick. 1.00

02:11:00.000 It's like a little dick. 1.00

02:11:00.000 That's what I'm wondering. 1.00

02:11:01.000 Does it have the head and the ridge?

02:11:03.000 Yes. 1.00

02:11:03.000 Get the fuck out of here, bro. 1.00

02:11:06.000 Are you saying you've never looked in large clits? 1.00

02:11:08.000 You've never done that?

02:11:09.000 That's exactly what I'm saying.

02:11:10.000 Ha ha ha!

02:11:12.000 Hold on.

02:11:12.000 You've never done a Google search?

02:11:14.000 Bro, I looked fake pussies. 0.99

02:11:15.000 I looked up like tranny pussies, but I didn't look up. 1.00

02:11:18.000 That's not good. 0.97

02:11:19.000 What do you mean? 1.00

02:11:20.000 The tranny pussy. 1.00

02:11:20.000 What do you mean they're not good? 1.00

02:11:22.000 It's not good.

02:11:23.000 It's not real.

02:11:24.000 Yeah, I know it's not real, but you want to be able to tell.

02:11:27.000 Can you tell?

02:11:28.000 No, but I feel like we should put a watermark. 1.00

02:11:30.000 Bro, there's a dick going inside a nut. 1.00

02:11:32.000 Bro, that one is crazy. 1.00

02:11:33.000 Look at that one down there. 1.00

02:11:35.000 Bro, that's fucking nuts! 1.00

02:11:37.000 Yeah, that's what happens. 1.00

02:11:39.000 That's not real.

02:11:39.000 Yo, it is real.

02:11:40.000 It is real.

02:11:41.000 There's no way.

02:11:42.000 No, no, no, it is real.

02:11:42.000 There's no way.

02:11:43.000 How about that one in the upper right-hand corner?

02:11:46.000 There's no way, dude.

02:11:47.000 The dark one?

02:11:48.000 Jamie?

02:11:48.000 No, below that.

02:11:49.000 That one.

02:11:49.000 Pow.

02:11:50.000 How you like me now? 1.00

02:11:51.000 That's a dick. 1.00

02:11:52.000 She has balls. 1.00

02:11:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:54.000 No, no, that's pussy lips. 1.00

02:11:55.000 That girl has balls, bro. 1.00

02:11:56.000 That's not a girl. 1.00

02:11:57.000 No, that's pussy lips. 1.00

02:11:59.000 That's pussy lips. 1.00

02:12:00.000 Now that one down there, what about the giant one below that, Jamie? 1.00

02:12:04.000 Dude, the one in the middle?

02:12:05.000 What's happening there?

02:12:07.000 No, bro, that just looks like a witch finger.

02:12:11.000 That is gnarly, man.

02:12:13.000 Do you think that that's photoshopped?

02:12:14.000 That has to be photoshopped, dude. 0.97

02:12:16.000 Dude, this is un-fucking- real. 0.99

02:12:19.000 Some freak porn. 0.99

02:12:21.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:12:22.000 Oh my god, bro.

02:12:24.000 Whoa, dude!

02:12:26.000 Well, when girls take a lot of testosterone, they do develop enlarged clits. 1.00

02:12:31.000 There was a show on HBO back in the day, I think it was called Private Dicks, but it was like, that girl's jacked! 1.00

02:12:40.000 You're into that, though?

02:12:41.000 No.

02:12:41.000 That's a little much.

02:12:42.000 Yeah.

02:12:43.000 She looks like Dillashaw.

02:12:44.000 Ha! 0.89

02:12:45.000 That's hilarious.

02:12:46.000 She's pretty looking, though. 0.97

02:12:47.000 She wasn't flexing.

02:12:49.000 Tell her to eat a couple sandwiches. 0.99

02:12:51.000 Bro!

02:12:52.000 Anyway, let's get out of there.

02:12:53.000 That's enough.

02:12:54.000 We're gonna start vomiting.

02:12:55.000 Dude!

02:12:57.000 But anyway, there was a show on HBO called Private Dicks.

02:13:00.000 Okay.

02:13:00.000 And one of the people on it, I think that was from that show.

02:13:03.000 But anyway, there was this lady who was talking about she became a trans man.

02:13:08.000 Okay. 0.99

02:13:09.000 And through taking massive amounts of testosterone, her clit grew, she said, to the size of a thumb. 0.99

02:13:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:13:17.000 Yeah.

02:13:17.000 Because they're taking very high levels of testosterone to sort of achieve that.

02:13:23.000 They get hair on their face, their voice deepens, they get broader and thicker, and they keep a lot of that too.

02:13:31.000 I don't get it.

02:13:32.000 I don't understand. 1.00

02:13:32.000 So your clit is just a cock, essentially, right? 1.00

02:13:36.000 Well, not really. 1.00

02:13:37.000 It just resembles one. 0.99

02:13:39.000 I mean, if you looked at that, if my dick looked like that, I'd go right to the doctor. 0.99

02:13:42.000 Which one? 0.99

02:13:43.000 The long one that we were looking at?

02:13:44.000 The crooked one?

02:13:45.000 The witch's finger.

02:13:46.000 Yeah, with the joints?

02:13:46.000 Yeah, it seems like a clit with no skin.

02:13:50.000 Or a dick with no skin. 1.00

02:13:51.000 It has been skinned. 1.00

02:13:52.000 Yes.

02:13:53.000 Yes.

02:13:55.000 Bro, bro, that made me feel uncomfortable to look at.

02:13:58.000 It should. 1.00

02:13:59.000 Imagine pulling a girl's panties down and that thing fucking... 1.00

02:14:01.000 It happened to a friend of mine's ex-boyfriend. 1.00

02:14:06.000 Okay.

02:14:06.000 A friend of mine who I used to work with on a television show, she was telling me a story.

02:14:10.000 About her ex-boyfriend met this girl and they're fooling around and they get back to her. 0.98

02:14:14.000 And she was pretty feminine, but she had a clit like a pinky is the way he described it. 1.00

02:14:18.000 And then he pulled her pants down and then fucking panicked and then said, Oh my God, I have to pick my friend up at the airport. 1.00

02:14:25.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:14:25.000 I can't believe this. 1.00

02:14:26.000 And he just ran.

02:14:27.000 That was his excuse? 1.00

02:14:29.000 He fucking panicked, man. 1.00

02:14:31.000 The dude panicked. 1.00

02:14:32.000 He went into a full-blown panic and just ran out. 0.99

02:14:35.000 He couldn't deal with her clit. 1.00

02:14:38.000 I mean, it gets to a certain size where that's like... 0.99

02:14:40.000 Yeah, like if it's wrapped around her leg and tied in a bow, you're like, hey!

02:14:43.000 Or you gotta like push it to the side to insert.

02:14:47.000 You know what I mean?

02:14:48.000 You gotta hold it.

02:14:49.000 Like a handle while you're banging her.

02:14:51.000 It's a joystick!

02:14:52.000 It's like the reins on a horse.

02:14:57.000 Like you're hanging onto it while you're banging her.

02:15:01.000 It's like just the random shape of the human body and how we've decided that this is what's appealing, right? 1.00

02:15:07.000 Hourglass figure, the ass comes out, the tits are here. 1.00

02:15:10.000 It makes it look like she's sexually viable and she'll be good at... 1.00

02:15:15.000 The big ass and all that fat around that area means... 1.00

02:15:18.000 She's got plenty of nutrients for the child. 1.00

02:15:21.000 She's got wide hips. 1.00

02:15:23.000 It means a baby's going to come out easy.

02:15:24.000 All those things are directly connected to fertility. 0.87

02:15:28.000 So we're not objectifying them at all.

02:15:31.000 Well, we are, but it's nature that's caught.

02:15:34.000 There's a reason why the standard that men are after when it comes to women is directly connected to them being sexually fertile.

02:15:42.000 We think you're going to make some kids.

02:15:43.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:15:43.000 So me thinking that you have great hips or tits or something like that is efficient. 0.98

02:15:49.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:15:49.000 It's not sexist. 0.97

02:15:51.000 It's not hateful.

02:15:51.000 It's not in any way objectifying.

02:15:53.000 Or maybe we're supposed to objectify to create people.

02:15:57.000 Hmm.

02:15:58.000 I think there's that too, but then there's also like, if a girl's in really good shape, one of the things that you admire is that that girl's got, she's got discipline and power.

02:16:09.000 Like a girl's hitting the gym all the time and working out, that's a girl who gets things done. 1.00

02:16:13.000 Like if you see a girl and she's lazy and her body is just like soft, doughy, she's like skinny fat, like, oh, you're going to complain a lot. 1.00

02:16:21.000 You're going to need a lot of naps.

02:16:22.000 Yeah.

02:16:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:16:23.000 You're blowing up after this kid.

02:16:25.000 You're not getting after it.

02:16:26.000 You're not out there getting things done.

02:16:28.000 You're going to want to be sad.

02:16:30.000 You're going to want to complain.

02:16:31.000 You're going to want to stay home and stop.

02:16:34.000 But is that biological or is that us being smart?

02:16:36.000 You think it is?

02:16:36.000 Yeah, there's something biological to it.

02:16:38.000 Your body rejects that because you know that this girl... 1.00

02:16:40.000 Like if the shit hits the fan and a fucking apocalypse comes, you've got to take your children and go to the mountains. 1.00

02:16:45.000 This girl's going to be tired all the time. 1.00

02:16:47.000 She's going to complain. 0.90

02:16:48.000 She's going to weigh you down.

02:16:49.000 She's not going to carry her own weight.

02:16:51.000 I like a gal who can carry her own weight. 1.00

02:16:53.000 Right. 0.99

02:16:53.000 And you can't do that if you're carrying a big old clit all day. 0.99

02:16:59.000 Babe, hurry up! 1.00

02:17:00.000 You're dragging your clit all over the rocks! 1.00

02:17:02.000 You got leaves stuck to it and shit. 1.00

02:17:07.000 It looked like a dog's dick. 1.00

02:17:09.000 You know when a fucking dog gets hurt? 1.00

02:17:12.000 Oh no. 1.00

02:17:13.000 That's what it looked like.

02:17:15.000 Oh no. 1.00

02:17:15.000 Imagine if women had dicks and men had pussies and we were just really into big dicks. 1.00

02:17:20.000 That's just as possible. 1.00

02:17:22.000 Absolutely.

02:17:22.000 Just as possible.

02:17:23.000 It's called gay guys. 0.99

02:17:24.000 But not just... 0.84

02:17:25.000 No, the arbitrary shape of human... 1.00

02:17:26.000 Don't they like big dicks? 1.00

02:17:27.000 It's just strange. 0.99

02:17:29.000 It's strange what we're attracted to.

02:17:31.000 Seahorses, right? 1.00

02:17:32.000 Isn't the male seahorse have a pussy? 1.00

02:17:33.000 Well, the male seahorse accepts eggs from the female. 0.99

02:17:37.000 There's actually a video of it. 0.96

02:17:38.000 Sounds pretty gay to me. 1.00

02:17:40.000 Sounds pretty fucking gay, bro. 1.00

02:17:42.000 I don't know if you're accepting eggs. 1.00

02:17:44.000 Yeah, she pours her eggs into a sack in his body. 1.00

02:17:47.000 It's very strange. 0.86

02:17:48.000 You get nutted in, bro.

02:17:49.000 And it looks like they're kissing while they do it.

02:17:51.000 It's really weird. 1.00

02:17:51.000 Alright, I'm okay with the kissing shit. 1.00

02:17:53.000 Have you ever seen it? 1.00

02:17:53.000 Oh, you got a video of it? 1.00

02:17:54.000 Yeah.

02:17:55.000 Here it is. 0.99

02:17:55.000 It puts shit in perspective when you look at the... 0.99

02:17:57.000 What a weird fucking animal a seahorse is anyway. 1.00

02:18:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:18:00.000 Like, what a strange little creature. 1.00

02:18:03.000 It's so weird. 0.99

02:18:05.000 I think that's why we like nature stuff, because it puts in perspective how fucked up humans are. 0.99

02:18:10.000 Look at that. 0.99

02:18:11.000 He's just busting off, dude.

02:18:13.000 That's her or him.

02:18:14.000 Is that him giving birth?

02:18:16.000 Dude, that's how I come with kickback like that.

02:18:18.000 Look at that kickback. 1.00

02:18:19.000 It's a fucking shotgun, dude. 1.00

02:18:20.000 I come the opposite way. 1.00

02:18:21.000 I go forward.

02:18:22.000 I don't back out.

02:18:24.000 I feel like if you back out, it's like pulling back on a punch.

02:18:27.000 Yeah, but you got two kids. 0.96

02:18:27.000 Imagine if one of those ones gets stuck in there. 0.96

02:18:29.000 One of them little baby seahorses is like, ah...

02:18:32.000 I'm in here forever. 1.00

02:18:34.000 Shit. 0.99

02:18:35.000 The last of them is like one or two at a time. 1.00

02:18:39.000 See, like, one guy.

02:18:42.000 It's the last drop, dude.

02:18:44.000 He keeps pumping, but there's nothing coming out.

02:18:48.000 Okay, those are babies or those are sperm?

02:18:51.000 Babies.

02:18:51.000 Those are babies.

02:18:52.000 Oh, so we didn't see them have sex with each other. 0.92

02:18:55.000 I think the baby hatches inside of his body. 0.99

02:18:58.000 Yeah, that's crazy, dude.

02:18:59.000 Thank God we don't got to do that.

02:19:00.000 Imagine.

02:19:01.000 What a drag. 0.98

02:19:03.000 Did your wife do natural?

02:19:05.000 No!

02:19:05.000 See?

02:19:06.000 Oh, no, no, no.

02:19:07.000 No, no, no.

02:19:08.000 Just epidural.

02:19:10.000 How'd she get it out?

02:19:10.000 Oh, I mean, natural in that way.

02:19:12.000 Yeah, C-section.

02:19:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:19:14.000 Epidural, man.

02:19:14.000 The C-section thing, they have to, I mean, with some women, it's imperative.

02:19:17.000 They have to do it.

02:19:18.000 Like, maybe they have small hips. 0.99

02:19:19.000 Right. 1.00

02:19:20.000 You date one of those, like a little girl, date one of them big, giant dudes who gorilla fucks you. 1.00

02:19:24.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

02:19:25.000 And then you got a giant baby inside you and a little tiny pussy. 1.00

02:19:29.000 You love that shit, bro. 1.00

02:19:30.000 I can tell. 1.00

02:19:31.000 You fucking... 1.00

02:19:33.000 I'm fascinated by it. 1.00

02:19:35.000 Have you ever seen that guy from Game of Thrones?

02:19:41.000 The mountain with his wife? 0.87

02:19:43.000 Is his girl tiny?

02:19:44.000 She weighs three pounds.

02:19:47.000 She looks like she's smaller in comparison to him than my eight-year-old is in comparison to me.

02:19:54.000 Look at that.

02:19:55.000 Oh, he is smoking that, dude.

02:19:57.000 How is that humanly possible that that works?

02:20:00.000 She's this beautiful little tiny creature, and he's one of the biggest human beings on the planet.

02:20:06.000 Yeah, but do you think that he's packing?

02:20:07.000 I don't think he's packing.

02:20:07.000 What are you talking about?

02:20:09.000 You think he's got a big piece? 1.00

02:20:09.000 He's got a dick like everything else you see on him. 1.00

02:20:12.000 If he didn't have a dick like that, you'd be stunned. 1.00

02:20:15.000 Look at the size of his hands, his shoulders. 1.00

02:20:17.000 He probably has a small seal in his pants. 1.00

02:20:25.000 He's got a t-shirt that's a strong motherfucker. 1.00

02:20:28.000 He's a big, uncircumcised dick. 1.00

02:20:30.000 Yeah, big, giant fucking anteater. 1.00

02:20:34.000 Like an elephant trunk. 1.00

02:20:36.000 That's...

02:20:36.000 Oh, wow.

02:20:38.000 I don't know, bro.

02:20:39.000 I don't know if he got the piece, man. 0.63

02:20:40.000 You're out of your mind.

02:20:41.000 He's so big if you had a piece like that. 0.97

02:20:42.000 Because he's a savage. 1.00

02:20:43.000 He's from fucking Iceland. 1.00

02:20:45.000 That's what they do? 1.00

02:20:46.000 They're different humans out there, man.

02:20:48.000 Those are Vikings.

02:20:49.000 Yeah.

02:20:49.000 There's a reason why he's that big.

02:20:51.000 No bullshit. 0.99

02:20:52.000 That is Viking DNA. It's just the best DNA from the world. 0.96

02:20:55.000 Thousands of years ago, guys like him would be on a boat with a fucking dragon on the front of the boat, and they'd have a sword, and they couldn't wait to jump off that fucking boat and start hacking people to bits. 0.98

02:21:07.000 That's why that guy exists. 0.99

02:21:08.000 That's why he's so big.

02:21:09.000 Yeah.

02:21:10.000 Yeah.

02:21:10.000 And you just took the best genetics from wherever you stopped?

02:21:12.000 That's why Iceland.

02:21:13.000 Vice did a whole piece on Iceland.

02:21:15.000 Okay.

02:21:16.000 About all the strongmen competition winners that live in Iceland.

02:21:19.000 Okay.

02:21:19.000 They're all Vikings, man.

02:21:21.000 It's Viking DNA. Really?

02:21:23.000 100%. 0.99

02:21:24.000 Okay, but isn't Viking DNA, okay, we went to Italy, we raped some chicks in Italy, we bring them back? 0.99

02:21:30.000 Yeah, they bring back the best women, but they're the ones who survive all these battles. 0.99

02:21:34.000 This is time-tested.

02:21:36.000 They're swinging axes at other dudes swinging axes. 0.95

02:21:41.000 The ones who survived were all big.

02:21:44.000 Yeah, that's true.

02:21:45.000 These guys are so big, man.

02:21:46.000 You've got to read this article that Vice did on these strong men in Iceland.

02:21:51.000 It's crazy, bro.

02:21:52.000 There's a whole country filled with gorillas. 1.00

02:21:55.000 Big white gorillas that are just smashing pussy and lifting weights and throwing fucking beer barrels over the top of chain link fences. 1.00

02:22:06.000 They're huge! 1.00

02:22:07.000 Apparently there's an app in Iceland to make sure you don't fuck your family member. 1.00

02:22:13.000 Deadass, bro. 0.99

02:22:14.000 Because there's only like 300,000 people, right? 0.97

02:22:18.000 On the island?

02:22:19.000 Right.

02:22:19.000 So everybody, not everybody, a lot of people are very related.

02:22:21.000 So you can like type your name in and it will say, oh, Jorgensen?

02:22:25.000 Oh, Jorgensen.

02:22:25.000 Ah, we're second cousins, maybe not.

02:22:27.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:22:28.000 Who? 1.00

02:22:29.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:22:30.000 That's how I would call him.

02:22:31.000 I'd just say, who?

02:22:32.000 Who?

02:22:34.000 With a drum by the bed.

02:22:35.000 I have a dude beating a drum to give me a pace.

02:22:40.000 To give me a pace to go to.

02:22:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:22:44.000 Damn. 1.00

02:22:45.000 That's a crazy race of humans, man. 1.00

02:22:47.000 You ever go there, Iceland?

02:22:48.000 No, no.

02:22:49.000 I'd like to go there just to see the Northern Lights.

02:22:52.000 It's one of the things that I've been thinking that I need.

02:22:53.000 Have you been?

02:22:54.000 Yeah.

02:22:54.000 You saw the Northern Lights?

02:22:55.000 I did stand up there.

02:22:56.000 What is it?

02:22:56.000 Oh, you did?

02:22:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:22:57.000 Tell me about that.

02:22:58.000 In Alaska, it's harder in the city when you're in the city, but yeah, they love stand-up there.

02:23:01.000 I think their president or something was a huge Stanhope fan.

02:23:06.000 What?

02:23:06.000 They like good stand-up, too.

02:23:08.000 That's hilarious!

02:23:08.000 Make sure I'm not misquoting, but apparently I think he was a massive Doug Stanhope fan.

02:23:13.000 Wow.

02:23:15.000 That's hilarious.

02:23:16.000 They were good, man.

02:23:16.000 Really?

02:23:16.000 No English.

02:23:18.000 Apparently the KFC there...

02:23:21.000 They have one KFC. Oh, and it's popular as fuck? 1.00

02:23:24.000 Well, the rules for food are super high, so it's like the best chicken tenders you've ever had. 1.00

02:23:31.000 Oh, because they don't let processed bullshit get in? 0.98

02:23:33.000 None of that, right? 0.99

02:23:34.000 But it's still KFC. So you could do that when you have a country that has as many people as Boulder, Colorado.

02:23:39.000 Right.

02:23:40.000 That's the thing people don't get. 0.99

02:23:41.000 When you've got to feed 300 million people, it's like, we're going to GMO some shit, bro. 0.99

02:23:44.000 We're going to use corn. 0.99

02:23:45.000 It's 300 million people.

02:23:46.000 That's a lot of people.

02:23:47.000 Yeah, it's like when a mom has nine kids.

02:23:49.000 It's like, there's going to be some grits.

02:23:51.000 Yeah.

02:23:51.000 You know what I mean?

02:23:52.000 Like...

02:23:52.000 Yeah, McDonald's is gonna work.

02:23:54.000 But yeah, Iceland was a shit and the Northern Lights. 0.99

02:23:56.000 You look at Northern Lights and you're like, oh, I completely get why people believed in God. 1.00

02:24:01.000 Oh, yeah.

02:24:02.000 Like, you can't not.

02:24:03.000 Does that make sense?

02:24:04.000 Sure.

02:24:04.000 You look in the sky and it's painting itself.

02:24:07.000 Yeah.

02:24:08.000 You're gonna believe.

02:24:09.000 What did they think it was back then?

02:24:11.000 Had to be the gods dancing.

02:24:13.000 I wonder what they thought.

02:24:14.000 I wonder what explanation they had for the Northern Lights a thousand years ago.

02:24:17.000 How do you not?

02:24:19.000 I don't know, man.

02:24:21.000 The more I look at it, I was raised without any religion, but the more I look at it now, I think it's just people trying to explain.

02:24:30.000 Jesus, look at that.

02:24:31.000 Is that a real color?

02:24:32.000 It's from Minnesota, yeah.

02:24:34.000 Yeah, you can see it.

02:24:35.000 Wow.

02:24:35.000 But go to another one.

02:24:36.000 For me, I didn't experience it like that.

02:24:38.000 Travis Nowitzki.

02:24:39.000 It's more just like...

02:24:39.000 Well, I know that name.

02:24:40.000 Dirk Nowitzki, you're probably thinking of.

02:24:42.000 No, I've heard that name, too.

02:24:44.000 Travis Nowitzki.

02:24:45.000 Is he, um...

02:24:47.000 What does that guy do?

02:24:49.000 Is he just a famous photographer, perhaps?

02:24:55.000 Yeah.

02:24:56.000 Photography by Travis Nowitzki.

02:24:57.000 Yeah.

02:24:58.000 I think that's what it is.

02:25:00.000 I think I've seen his...

02:25:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:25:02.000 I think he does a lot of nature shit. 0.99

02:25:06.000 How could you not, dude? 0.99

02:25:07.000 How do you blame anybody for believing in something bigger than yourself?

02:25:11.000 Oh, just a lightning storm, man.

02:25:13.000 A hurricane.

02:25:15.000 We live in big cities. 1.00

02:25:16.000 This shit is not real. 1.00

02:25:17.000 You live in the Bahamas and you see the power of a fucking hurricane. 1.00

02:25:21.000 It puts things in perspective. 1.00

02:25:23.000 You know how important we think we are?

02:25:26.000 That goes away when you know, at the blink of an eye, your house, everything you work for is gone because of wind.

02:25:34.000 Wind and water. 1.00

02:25:35.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:25:36.000 That shit right there. 1.00

02:25:37.000 Look at that picture. 1.00

02:25:38.000 That's where it's crazy.

02:25:39.000 Wow.

02:25:39.000 It says, Northern Lights now appear in Central Europe.

02:25:42.000 Is this because of climate change?

02:25:43.000 Well, isn't it supposed to get hotter?

02:25:45.000 I don't know what that means.

02:25:46.000 Like, why is it saying?

02:25:47.000 Go to that article.

02:25:49.000 Why is it saying that?

02:25:53.000 Northern Lights now appear.

02:25:54.000 What does it say?

02:25:55.000 Scroll down.

02:25:56.000 Scroll down.

02:25:57.000 No, it says Europe and much of the U.S. Central Europe and much of the U.S. I didn't know that much of the U.S. says Northern Lights.

02:26:04.000 You can see them in Ohio sometimes.

02:26:06.000 Really?

02:26:07.000 You've seen it?

02:26:08.000 I have not, but I'm...

02:26:10.000 I mean, the other picture you showed is in Minnesota. 0.99

02:26:12.000 You fucking Ohio people doing ass in the parking lot, seeing lights in the sky. 0.99

02:26:16.000 Yeah, that fucking big storm is hitting central U.S. today, right? 1.00

02:26:20.000 They got fucked in Denver. 1.00

02:26:22.000 What are they calling it? 1.00

02:26:23.000 A bomb?

02:26:24.000 Why are they calling it a bomb cyclone?

02:26:26.000 It's clickbait.

02:26:27.000 Marketing, bro.

02:26:27.000 Marketing.

02:26:29.000 It's good marketing, dude.

02:26:29.000 Is it a bomb?

02:26:30.000 Why are they calling it a bomb?

02:26:32.000 You're going to read article as a bomb.

02:26:33.000 Yeah, right?

02:26:34.000 Bombs are scary. 0.99

02:26:35.000 Dude, marketing is fucking everything. 1.00

02:26:36.000 I thought this shit, like when we were just talking about the uncircumcised, like even that term is so dumb. 1.00

02:26:43.000 Right, it's a normal dick. 1.00

02:26:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:26:45.000 Yeah, that's what it is. 1.00

02:26:46.000 It's a dick. 0.99

02:26:46.000 Why would we even use that? 0.99

02:26:50.000 Yeah.

02:26:51.000 Right?

02:26:51.000 Well, what's crazy is that it's more common to be cut...

02:26:56.000 It's more common that a dick is sliced off when you're a baby. 1.00

02:27:00.000 Yes! 1.00

02:27:01.000 They take the cap off than it is... 1.00

02:27:04.000 And then when it's not, we're like, why didn't your parents cut your cock when you were born? 1.00

02:27:08.000 What about that? 1.00

02:27:08.000 Why do you have the blanket over the top of the head? 1.00

02:27:11.000 Cut that off.

02:27:12.000 Expose that.

02:27:13.000 Dry that head out.

02:27:15.000 Yeah.

02:27:15.000 Weird.

02:27:17.000 Yeah, it's just- Marketing, man.

02:27:18.000 You get people to believe anything.

02:27:19.000 It's like you got to grow it into them.

02:27:21.000 There's this- I feel like I tell this story every single time I'm talking on a podcast, but there's this great thing about how Nescafe broke into the Japanese market.

02:27:31.000 Have you heard about this?

02:27:31.000 No.

02:27:32.000 And it's like they went to this consultant.

02:27:34.000 They're asking him, how do we get in?

02:27:35.000 And he's like, you can't get in.

02:27:36.000 And they're like, what do you mean?

02:27:37.000 He's like, it's going to be 15 years.

02:27:39.000 What are you talking about? 0.99

02:27:39.000 And he goes, well, they don't know what the fuck coffee is over there. 0.99

02:27:42.000 Okay, you're trying to be tea, you're not tea. 0.99

02:27:44.000 So what you're going to do is you're going to make a cartoon, and you're going to spend a few million on that, and then you're going to make a candy based on a cartoon, and then that candy is going to be flavored as coffee.

02:27:56.000 And when these kids grow up...

02:28:03.000 We're good to go.

02:28:17.000 You know what I mean?

02:28:17.000 So is this how they approached it?

02:28:19.000 They actually did it that way?

02:28:20.000 That's the same guy.

02:28:21.000 The consultant, Rapai, I think his name is.

02:28:23.000 And he's a book or something I'll call The Culture Code.

02:28:26.000 My buddy's doing like a series with him, trying to break it down.

02:28:28.000 But the idea is like, if you want to change any... 0.98

02:28:32.000 It's the same reason why I did my shit on YouTube.

02:28:33.000 It's like, if you want to change any industry or something like that, it's never going to come within the traditional structure. 0.98

02:28:39.000 You know what I mean?

02:28:40.000 It's like...

02:28:41.000 I would never be able to do the type of jokes I was doing on...

02:28:44.000 Maybe you are and the bigs can, but me, they'd be like, that joke's about trans people. 1.00

02:28:49.000 You can't do that, etc.

02:28:50.000 So it's like, if I want to make it okay, I got to do it outside.

02:28:55.000 I have to go a little bit outside of the industry and make it okay. 0.85

02:28:59.000 And the way they were thinking was, hey, let's get underneath and just fucking grow these ideas in. 0.77

02:29:04.000 I feel like that's why we fight wars over ideas all the time, right? 0.97

02:29:07.000 It's like people understand, oh shit, if people start believing in socialism or whatever the new thing they want us to be afraid of now, they believe in it and it sounds good enough, they'll want it. 0.97

02:29:16.000 So we gotta nip this in the bud in Vietnam. 0.99

02:29:18.000 Yeah.

02:29:19.000 You know?

02:29:20.000 There's a little bit of that.

02:29:21.000 I mean, Vietnam was super complicated.

02:29:23.000 Depending on who you ask, most likely it was about heroin.

02:29:26.000 A lot of it.

02:29:27.000 The whole war, you think?

02:29:28.000 A lot of it.

02:29:28.000 Yeah.

02:29:29.000 A lot of it was about the heroin trade.

02:29:30.000 Billions and billions and billions of dollars controlling the heroin trade.

02:29:35.000 Really?

02:29:36.000 Yeah, 100%.

02:29:36.000 More so than the spread of this ideology.

02:29:39.000 A lot of Afghanistan is about the heroin trade.

02:29:40.000 My understanding was, yeah, I understood that a little bit more.

02:29:43.000 Heroin ramped up radically.

02:29:45.000 Look, there's all sorts of positive aspects to most of the ideas that they push.

02:29:53.000 There's positive aspects to trying to stop terrorism.

02:29:57.000 There's positive aspects to trying to stop radical fundamentalists from taking over parts of the world and radicalizing segments of the population and making these terrorist cells and attacking cities and doing a lot of things that we know really do happen.

02:30:12.000 That's true.

02:30:13.000 But what's also true, it's a hotbed for heroin.

02:30:16.000 So it's a win-win. 0.96

02:30:17.000 There's a Geraldo Rivera segment on Fox News where Geraldo Rivera was talking to Soldiers who were guarding poppy fields and they were explaining that the US soldiers had to guard the fucking heroin because this is how they got these Afghani farmers to cooperate against the radical fundamentalists that were running these religious sects. 1.00

02:30:42.000 Watch this shit. 1.00

02:30:43.000 Put the headphones on. 1.00

02:30:46.000 Look at this.

02:30:47.000 Fighting the opium trade.

02:30:50.000 This town in the middle of Helmand province was the easy part.

02:30:55.000 The hard part now is governing this province, a province, as you suggest, that has become addicted to opium in many, many ways.

02:31:02.000 That is the principal crop that is being grown here.

02:31:06.000 The Taliban lend the farmers the money.

02:31:09.000 They are indebted to the Taliban. 0.77

02:31:11.000 They have to grow the opium.

02:31:12.000 Now the Marines and their success are, in a sense, a victim of their success because now the population is, you know, they have these opium fields and we are tolerating it. 0.99

02:31:23.000 We are tolerating the cultivation of the opium because we know that if we were to destroy it now, the population would turn against the Marines and it would be a real... 0.73

02:31:32.000 Let me introduce Lieutenant Colonel Brian Christmas.

02:31:34.000 He's the commanding officer of the 3rd Battalion, 6th Marines.

02:31:38.000 Really, a wonderful group of Marines here.

02:31:40.000 Is this okay to play on YouTube, or is this going to be a problem?

02:31:43.000 Let's pull this now.

02:31:44.000 Stop now, because they're getting heavy-handed against copyright violation.

02:31:51.000 This is interesting because this is the gray area we're talking about.

02:31:55.000 This was early in the war.

02:31:56.000 I mean, this is like, what was that from?

02:31:58.000 I want to say that was probably from 2005. Yeah, dude, this is...

02:32:02.000 Doesn't?

02:32:03.000 Yeah, this is the gray, right?

02:32:05.000 This is, hey, this is how a country makes its money.

02:32:08.000 There's...

02:32:08.000 It's not just that.

02:32:10.000 Someone's profiting. 0.99

02:32:12.000 There's fucking billions... 1.00

02:32:13.000 Don't they mean it? 1.00

02:32:14.000 For their GDP? Someone is profiting.

02:32:18.000 I do not know where the money's all going, but there are billions of dollars involved in heroin.

02:32:25.000 Billions.

02:32:26.000 People are buying it all over the world.

02:32:29.000 Ninety-something percent of it comes from Afghanistan.

02:32:32.000 Do the math.

02:32:34.000 Just do the math.

02:32:35.000 We're still there. 0.99

02:32:37.000 I mean, Sturgill Simpson wrote a bit about it, or wrote a song about it, and they played that song on Saturday Night Live, and I don't even think they knew what the fuck the song was about. 0.95

02:32:47.000 I mean, he's up there playing a song about the government being involved in the heroin trade. 0.94

02:32:52.000 I mean, there's something to it.

02:32:55.000 There's some...

02:32:56.000 And you say, oh, it's a conspiracy theory.

02:32:58.000 Stop! 1.00

02:33:00.000 Stop! 1.00

02:33:01.000 There really is billions of dollars in heroin being grown in Afghanistan.

02:33:06.000 The production of heroin really did ramp up considerably after the U.S. invasion.

02:33:13.000 Is it possible that this is their commerce?

02:33:15.000 Country singer goes on SNL, exposes Afghan heroin trade, and no one even noticed.

02:33:20.000 That's my boy.

02:33:21.000 But is it possible that this is their commerce?

02:33:24.000 In the same way, like, some communities fish.

02:33:26.000 This community plants poppies, and they...

02:33:29.000 Perhaps.

02:33:30.000 What are they doing with all that money?

02:33:32.000 That's the question.

02:33:33.000 Are they buying more goats?

02:33:34.000 What are they doing?

02:33:35.000 Afghani goats are delicious.

02:33:37.000 I don't know what they're doing.

02:33:39.000 I don't know.

02:33:40.000 I just can't imagine someone is not getting a cut of this.

02:33:45.000 And I can't imagine that there's no mainstream investigative work that's being done to sort of expose us.

02:33:53.000 I don't know.

02:33:54.000 I mean, I might be wrong.

02:33:55.000 Why not?

02:33:56.000 Maybe these farmers are not making all the money.

02:33:58.000 Maybe the money's all going to drug dealers and we let that happen. 0.99

02:34:02.000 That'd be fucked up. 0.99

02:34:03.000 It'd be cool if they got it, but like, look, the world is fucked, bro. 1.00

02:34:08.000 Like, this shit ain't peaches and cream, man. 1.00

02:34:10.000 It's like every time I see one of these stupid Senate hearings where they're like, did you do some bad things in South America? 1.00

02:34:14.000 It's like, yeah. 1.00

02:34:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:34:18.000 Bad shit happens. 1.00

02:34:19.000 When Trudeau was involved in that thing in, like, what is it, Libya? 1.00

02:34:22.000 You know, like when they were bribing, you hear about this?

02:34:25.000 Trudeau from Canada?

02:34:27.000 Yeah, there's this big scandal up there in Canada because he was involved, you know, with this company, which is a Quebec company that paid like $36 million to bribe the Libyan government.

02:34:37.000 For like some contracts. 0.98

02:34:38.000 And it's like, well yeah, that's how shit gets done over there. 0.98

02:34:40.000 You bribe the government for contracts. 0.99

02:34:43.000 And these people in the Canadian government are like, how could he?

02:34:45.000 This is against his policies.

02:34:46.000 It's like, no, no, no.

02:34:47.000 Welcome to the real world.

02:34:50.000 You're operating in the 1% of the world which has these rules. 0.99

02:34:53.000 We just made the fuck up of fairness and equality and equity and all this bullshit. 0.98

02:34:59.000 It's like the real world is, hey, I'd like to do this. 0.98

02:35:01.000 Can I give you some money and we make it happen?

02:35:03.000 The real world is Geraldo Rivera walking through heroin fields talking to a general. 0.99

02:35:08.000 That's the real fucking world! 1.00

02:35:10.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:35:11.000 There's a lot of that.

02:35:12.000 Yeah.

02:35:13.000 I mean, it would be nice if everywhere was like America.

02:35:16.000 But I don't know if it... 0.97

02:35:18.000 That's what's really fucked up, right? 1.00

02:35:20.000 Like with this Fairphone shit. 0.99

02:35:22.000 I don't know if that gets done. 0.99

02:35:24.000 I don't know if you get an iPhone unless it's getting made by someone who's making $5 a week.

02:35:31.000 I don't know if you do.

02:35:33.000 And if you do get it, how much does it cost?

02:35:35.000 Tons.

02:35:36.000 What is it, like $3,000?

02:35:37.000 How much does it cost?

02:35:38.000 Who's going to pay that?

02:35:39.000 Who's going to pay?

02:35:40.000 You're already struggling.

02:35:42.000 You already got two kids.

02:35:43.000 You have bills to pay.

02:35:45.000 You're going to spend $3,000 when you're already struggling.

02:35:48.000 We're operating from a place where we have some excess.

02:35:51.000 People are trying to make it every day here.

02:35:54.000 Yeah.

02:35:54.000 They don't give up.

02:35:55.000 That's why the election shit is so simple to me. 0.99

02:35:57.000 Like, the Democrats are going to offer money and Republicans are going to offer jobs. 0.99

02:36:00.000 And you see it happening right now.

02:36:02.000 It's like every platform for the Dems on some level is, here's some money.

02:36:06.000 Hey, we should look into reparations.

02:36:07.000 Here's some money.

02:36:08.000 Your boy Yang was on here.

02:36:09.000 Why don't we just give everybody a thousand dollars?

02:36:11.000 Here's some money.

02:36:12.000 You're just giving money, right?

02:36:14.000 Yeah.

02:36:14.000 Let's break up Facebook and da-da-da-da.

02:36:17.000 Well, that's one of the reasons why, for hard-working people, the Republicans are so attractive, even though a lot of people, they fall into a lower-income community.

02:36:26.000 They're not these rich cats.

02:36:28.000 They would think they would be looking to have big business succeed, but the message is that you roll up your sleeves and you get to work, and that you work hard.

02:36:39.000 You don't get a free ride, and they like that.

02:36:41.000 That's also one of the reasons why people...

02:36:45.000 That are Republicans are more likely to be involved in churches and a lot of church-going organizations because that's where their community comes from and community support.

02:36:54.000 Instead of getting community support from the government, they get community support from local churches.

02:36:59.000 That's a good point.

02:37:00.000 So you have your support, you have your… We all need that, man.

02:37:05.000 That's something that really is missing with atheists. 0.99

02:37:08.000 Yes.

02:37:09.000 Community. 1.00

02:37:10.000 And they're miserable. 0.99

02:37:12.000 I've never met this happy atheist. 1.00

02:37:15.000 It's like, they're vegans.

02:37:16.000 It's like, stop convincing me that God doesn't...

02:37:20.000 If you believe it, we're good.

02:37:22.000 You don't need to convince me.

02:37:24.000 If you are trying to convince me, it's because you don't believe it.

02:37:28.000 Well, it's not that they don't believe it.

02:37:30.000 It's just that they're overzealous.

02:37:35.000 Dude, people who are overzealous are overcompensating for something, right?

02:37:38.000 A lot of times.

02:37:39.000 What are you overcompensating for with God? 1.00

02:37:41.000 Because you know shit is bigger than you. 1.00

02:37:43.000 Because you fucking look up sometimes and you're looking at the stars and you're like, fuck, something's up. 1.00

02:37:47.000 I don't know what it is. 1.00

02:37:48.000 I don't know if it's God.

02:37:49.000 I don't know if it's aliens.

02:37:50.000 I don't know what's going on, but you are minuscule.

02:37:54.000 And that's hard for people to take, man.

02:37:57.000 But you think that's why they're really into pushing atheism? 1.00

02:37:59.000 I think it's because the religion that they see is so offensively stupid. 0.99

02:38:05.000 I mean, look, there was a funny thing that happened the other day where Pete Davidson did a joke on SNL about the Catholic Church and the Catholic Church demanded an apology. 1.00

02:38:14.000 Right.

02:38:15.000 Forgive him.

02:38:16.000 Yeah.

02:38:16.000 You're the forgiveness people.

02:38:17.000 Why do you need an apology? 0.99

02:38:19.000 How about he made a joke about child molesting and you guys are the number one kid fucking organization in the world. 0.99

02:38:24.000 How about stop worrying about jokes and paying attention to the fact that you basically run a kid fucking organization that also sells Jesus. 1.00

02:38:33.000 KFF. Get a fucking factory, bro. 1.00

02:38:34.000 That's what it is, man. 1.00

02:38:35.000 In a lot of ways. 0.99

02:38:37.000 But at the same time, there's the gray area because they do a lot of fucking good. 0.98

02:38:40.000 Yes. 0.96

02:38:41.000 They save a lot of people's lives.

02:38:43.000 They feed a lot of people, right?

02:38:44.000 Yep.

02:38:45.000 So it's like...

02:38:47.000 They give people community.

02:38:49.000 They give people a place to connect. 0.97

02:38:50.000 We're in the most connected time in history and we're the most fucking disconnected. 0.95

02:38:54.000 Think about that.

02:38:55.000 We've got a million friends on Facebook and all these other things and people are lonely.

02:38:59.000 Because we're connected with electronic devices and we're not that connected with life.

02:39:04.000 Right.

02:39:05.000 And we're connected to outcome.

02:39:07.000 We're connected to, oh, did this picture I post get enough likes?

02:39:10.000 Yeah.

02:39:11.000 Right? 1.00

02:39:12.000 That's where they really fuck people. 1.00

02:39:14.000 With likes. 0.99

02:39:15.000 Once they figured out how to get people, like, supremely addicted to interactions and exchanges and likes, man.

02:39:23.000 Dude, you know when, like, you know movies in the morning, you wake up and you smoke a cigarette?

02:39:27.000 Mm-hmm.

02:39:27.000 Right?

02:39:27.000 Like, that was what the movies we watched coming up, like, that was the first thing that the badass or something like that did in the movie.

02:39:33.000 Wake up, roll over, undo the pack, you know, whatever.

02:39:36.000 It will be look at your phone's mentions.

02:39:38.000 There's going to be some of that.

02:39:40.000 That's going to be what these characters do.

02:39:42.000 Yep.

02:39:43.000 Yep.

02:39:45.000 So it's like, what do you do?

02:39:46.000 You got kids?

02:39:47.000 Do you say no?

02:39:48.000 How do you teach your kid?

02:39:50.000 I don't have kids, so I don't know.

02:39:51.000 But like, I think about this all the time. 0.99

02:39:53.000 How do I teach my kid to not put his whole fucking value in the hands of... 0.98

02:39:59.000 Get him involved in sports. 0.99

02:40:01.000 Because you learn...

02:40:02.000 Yeah, you learn reality.

02:40:03.000 You learn reality.

02:40:04.000 Yeah.

02:40:05.000 If you don't get that ball in the net, it does not score.

02:40:09.000 You know?

02:40:10.000 There's no points for effort.

02:40:12.000 It doesn't work that way.

02:40:15.000 You've got to learn what real life is.

02:40:18.000 And you've got to learn that it feels uncomfortable to fail.

02:40:22.000 But that uncomfortable feeling that you get is fuel.

02:40:27.000 Will you let your kids fail?

02:40:28.000 Will you let them fall on their face?

02:40:30.000 They fall on their face all the time.

02:40:32.000 My kids do sports.

02:40:34.000 They've been involved in athletics in some form, whether it's martial arts or gymnastics, since they were little.

02:40:40.000 They do things that are difficult.

02:40:41.000 We do stuff as a family that are difficult.

02:40:43.000 We do escape rooms.

02:40:45.000 We play games.

02:40:46.000 We do things that are hard.

02:40:48.000 I don't let them win.

02:40:49.000 Good.

02:40:50.000 My little one, I let her win sometimes and stuff.

02:40:54.000 We play carnival games against each other or something like that.

02:40:56.000 Carnival games?

02:40:57.000 Yeah, like go to like Circus Circus.

02:40:59.000 Like when I was in Vegas, I was in Vegas for this thing that my daughter was doing, so I took my youngest daughter to Circus Circus playing these carnival games. 0.94

02:41:05.000 Okay.

02:41:06.000 I let her beat me a bunch of times. 1.00

02:41:07.000 Shh, dog.

02:41:09.000 But we're having fun. 0.99

02:41:11.000 We're just laughing, being silly, talking trash to each other, too. 0.95

02:41:15.000 She high-fives me and stuff. 0.95

02:41:17.000 It's fun.

02:41:17.000 But I think there's value in learning that it sucks to lose, because that makes you reassess what you did, that the other person did better, and how do I beat them.

02:41:28.000 It's like when we're talking about weed, about weed making you nervous and makes you paranoid.

02:41:32.000 I like that.

02:41:33.000 What I like is, look, I'm entirely too successful.

02:41:37.000 I like to feel vulnerable.

02:41:39.000 I think there's a lot of good to that.

02:41:43.000 Legitimately, I like that feeling because it makes me more connected.

02:41:48.000 It makes me more humble.

02:41:50.000 What do you mean you're too successful?

02:41:52.000 Well, you can only have so much success in this life before you start Thinking that you're different than other people.

02:41:58.000 You're thinking that you're something special.

02:42:01.000 Look, if you're on a path, right?

02:42:04.000 If everybody's on a path and you start off here and then X amount of years later, you're way away. 1.00

02:42:08.000 You can start thinking, oh, I'm better than all those motherfuckers. 1.00

02:42:11.000 But you're not. 1.00

02:42:11.000 You just have been on this path longer and you haven't fallen off of it. 1.00

02:42:16.000 You've figured out what you need to do to stay on that path.

02:42:19.000 We know a lot of people that were on the path at one time in their career and then something happened and they lost their enthusiasm or their body wasn't as healthy or whatever the fuck happened and they dropped off.

02:42:29.000 I'm still on that path.

02:42:30.000 Why?

02:42:31.000 Because I figured it out.

02:42:32.000 What is it?

02:42:33.000 Keep going.

02:42:34.000 Keep going. 1.00

02:42:35.000 Don't be a pussy. 1.00

02:42:36.000 Keep working. 1.00

02:42:37.000 Improve.

02:42:38.000 Objectively analyze your performance.

02:42:41.000 Look at what you're doing wrong.

02:42:43.000 Treat everything with respect.

02:42:45.000 Treat all of your endeavors with focus and intensity and intention.

02:42:50.000 Look at what you're doing.

02:42:51.000 And pay attention.

02:42:53.000 And do the work. 1.00

02:42:54.000 Do the goddamn work. 1.00

02:42:55.000 Do the writing. 1.00

02:42:56.000 Do the performing.

02:42:57.000 You'll see me.

02:42:57.000 I'll do four or five sets a night in L.A. I'm doing 15, 20 minutes, half hour.

02:43:02.000 I'll do an hour here.

02:43:03.000 I'll go down to Ice House.

02:43:04.000 I'll do an hour at the Ice House.

02:43:06.000 I'm doing two shows at the Ice House tomorrow night.

02:43:08.000 Right.

02:43:08.000 I go.

02:43:10.000 I go.

02:43:11.000 There's no excuses.

02:43:12.000 I go.

02:43:13.000 To me, the way I've got it set up, it's great.

02:43:17.000 My kids go to bed.

02:43:18.000 By the time my kids are in bed, I leave.

02:43:19.000 You're out.

02:43:20.000 I say goodnight.

02:43:21.000 I tuck them in.

02:43:22.000 I'm out the door.

02:43:23.000 I'm headed to the club.

02:43:24.000 I'm home in four hours.

02:43:26.000 And when I'm done, I get in front of the computer and I write.

02:43:29.000 I write.

02:43:30.000 I get up in the morning.

02:43:31.000 I see them off to school.

02:43:32.000 Go back to sleep.

02:43:34.000 Or I go to the gym.

02:43:35.000 I get things done.

02:43:36.000 Keep moving.

02:43:37.000 Got to keep moving. 0.99

02:43:37.000 You're a shark. 0.99

02:43:38.000 My job is the task.

02:43:41.000 It's like, my job is, I'm trying, like right now it's the most exciting time for me in my career arc, my comedy arc.

02:43:50.000 Because my comedy arc is put out a special.

02:43:52.000 It's very exciting when you're putting out a special.

02:43:55.000 But then the most exciting time is, you know, my special came out in October.

02:43:59.000 So then those months afterwards where it's this mad rush to create a new...

02:44:03.000 A new hour.

02:44:04.000 Yeah.

02:44:04.000 And solidifying perspectives and honing material and uncovering new layers and looking at it and reanalyzing it and stepping back and listening to it drunk and listening to it sober and smoking weed and going over it again and just spending time mashing the keys,

02:44:24.000 spending time looking at the notes, all that.

02:44:26.000 You can type your stuff?

02:44:28.000 Oh, yeah.

02:44:29.000 Yeah, type.

02:44:29.000 Yeah.

02:44:30.000 Yeah.

02:44:31.000 It's very valuable to be able to type.

02:44:33.000 Because you can get out your thoughts way quicker than you can writing.

02:44:36.000 Yeah.

02:44:37.000 Writing makes you remember it better, though.

02:44:38.000 Right.

02:44:39.000 You remember it better when you write it down physically on paper.

02:44:41.000 Yeah.

02:44:41.000 So if you look at my notebooks, I'm like a maniac.

02:44:44.000 I write the same thing over and over and over again.

02:44:46.000 Because I'm just writing down my sets.

02:44:49.000 Yeah.

02:44:49.000 Writing down my bits and the key parts of the bits so that I have them solid in my brain.

02:44:54.000 Yeah.

02:44:54.000 But my writing, in terms of my most prolific creation of things that I never thought of before, comes out writing with a keyboard, writing on a computer.

02:45:05.000 But can you write how you speak?

02:45:07.000 Nope.

02:45:07.000 But I don't have to.

02:45:08.000 I just have to come up with gems.

02:45:10.000 So the gem is here, and then you flesh.

02:45:12.000 I write in essay form.

02:45:13.000 Ah!

02:45:15.000 Yes, yes, yes, yes. 1.00

02:45:16.000 So say if I was going to write a bit about Geraldo Rivera and the Poppy Seeds, I would smoke a joint, and I would sit down, and I would just go, Geraldo Rivera with his porn mustache, strolling around these train killers in Afghanistan, wearing his goofy-ass fucking tie. 0.99

02:45:33.000 I wonder how those dudes think about Geraldo Rivera. 0.99

02:45:38.000 Strutting around, puffing his chest out, hanging around.

02:45:41.000 All these guys have been blowing people's brains out for the last six months, protecting America, while they're also simultaneously protecting heroin. 0.99

02:45:49.000 Like, what the fuck kind of feeling is that? 0.99

02:45:50.000 When your boy gets shot protecting a fucking heroin field, and it doesn't even make it into the paper, and then I'll just start going and going and going and going, and I might type out a few thousand words, and then when I go back, I might have two lines left. 1.00

02:46:03.000 Right. 0.99

02:46:04.000 Or a seed. 0.99

02:46:06.000 Then I'll take that seed on stage and then I'll try to see if I can water that bitch or if it's toxic. 1.00

02:46:12.000 Right. 0.99

02:46:12.000 I don't know. 0.99

02:46:13.000 You don't know.

02:46:14.000 How long will you give the toxic bit?

02:46:16.000 Depends.

02:46:16.000 Depends on the bit.

02:46:17.000 Some bits are just juicy right out of the box.

02:46:19.000 Some bits you just start them up and you're like, oh, we got one, kids.

02:46:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:46:23.000 But what about the ones that like...

02:46:26.000 What about the ones that don't work, but you know there's something there?

02:46:29.000 How long will you seed it?

02:46:30.000 How long will you water it?

02:46:31.000 Depends on how intense it is.

02:46:33.000 It depends on what's there for me.

02:46:36.000 I had this bit about Bruce Jenner, what really happened with Bruce Jenner.

02:46:43.000 I had to try to figure out, how do I make fun of this guy becoming a woman? 1.00

02:46:49.000 Yeah.

02:46:51.000 Yeah. 0.93

02:47:12.000 And then it got to, you know, I've never been more of a bitch in my life, but I'm telling you this, I'm not going out like Bruce Jenner. 0.98

02:47:18.000 Boom. 0.97

02:47:19.000 And the whole thing was, and people were like, what? 0.98

02:47:21.000 I go, look, someone's got to fucking say it. 0.97

02:47:23.000 I go, yeah. 1.00

02:47:23.000 Everyone's like, oh, he's a woman trapped in a man's body. 1.00

02:47:25.000 I'm like, maybe.

02:47:27.000 Maybe. 1.00

02:47:28.000 Or, maybe if you live with crazy bitches long enough, you fucking become one. 1.00

02:47:33.000 Okay? 1.00

02:47:33.000 And then I got into this whole bit about the Kardashians becoming like these gargoyles and hovering over his bed and talking to him while he's sleeping. 1.00

02:47:44.000 It's like...

02:47:46.000 But I had to figure out a way to do that bit.

02:47:48.000 It took a long time.

02:47:50.000 Yeah, that's something I would love for people to know.

02:47:55.000 I do this show called Inside Jokes where I just get comics to come and we take our most divisive premises that don't work and we work it out together.

02:48:02.000 Yeah.

02:48:03.000 And it'll be so cool to do it with you, man.

02:48:05.000 We'll do it.

02:48:06.000 I'll definitely do it.

02:48:06.000 That'd be sick.

02:48:07.000 You know, Chris Rock went through that with probably one of his most famous bits. 0.93

02:48:12.000 One of his most famous bits is, I love black people, I hate N-words. 1.00

02:48:17.000 So that bit is one of his most popular all-time bits.

02:48:21.000 He told me he bombed with that for a year.

02:48:24.000 Yeah!

02:48:24.000 A year.

02:48:25.000 He said he couldn't get it to work. 1.00

02:48:27.000 But Chris is a fucking workhorse. 0.99

02:48:29.000 Some people don't know about Chris, man. 1.00

02:48:31.000 This is a great story that exposed everything about him.

02:48:33.000 He was filming his special at the Apollo in New York.

02:48:35.000 And there was an after party for his own special that he left so that he could go work on that set at the Strip.

02:48:43.000 Wow.

02:48:44.000 So that's work.

02:48:45.000 Yeah.

02:48:46.000 That's what you gotta do, man.

02:48:47.000 The guy didn't become one of the biggest stand-ups of all time.

02:48:50.000 Same with Kevin Hart.

02:48:51.000 Kev works.

02:48:52.000 Yeah, he works.

02:48:53.000 Go to his Instagram.

02:48:54.000 It makes you tired.

02:48:55.000 Exhausting.

02:48:56.000 Yeah.

02:48:56.000 We get it.

02:48:57.000 You can jog.

02:48:58.000 Yeah.

02:48:58.000 With him, he's like our joke version of The Rock.

02:49:03.000 You know?

02:49:03.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:49:05.000 Because it fucking never ends. 1.00

02:49:07.000 It's all private jets and hitting the gym and fucking concerts in front of 50 million people. 1.00

02:49:13.000 It's the same shit, man. 1.00

02:49:14.000 This isn't an accident. 1.00

02:49:16.000 The ones who, when it is an accident, they get exposed.

02:49:20.000 The ones that are faking the funk... 0.99

02:49:22.000 Boy, that's the reason why Netflix took out the fucking thumbs up, thumbs down. 1.00

02:49:26.000 You know, all that shit. 1.00

02:49:28.000 Remember when they... 1.00

02:49:29.000 Because there was a few of those specials that...

02:49:32.000 Look, there's specials that have been on comedy, on HBO. I don't know what you're talking about, bro.

02:49:39.000 There's been ones on YouTube.

02:49:41.000 YouTube is interesting because they still have this thumbs up, thumbs down. 0.99

02:49:45.000 You know, which people do game, but the reality of that thumbs up, thumbs down is you get to see what the fuck people really think. 0.98

02:49:52.000 Absolutely. 0.99

02:49:52.000 To a certain extent. 0.99

02:49:54.000 I think it's 100% bullshit at this point. 0.99

02:49:57.000 Really? 1.00

02:49:57.000 Come on. 1.00

02:49:57.000 It was useful, but now... 1.00

02:50:00.000 Back to your point that you have a whole bit about.

02:50:03.000 How many thumbs up and thumbs down have you ever clicked on?

02:50:06.000 Zero.

02:50:06.000 Right.

02:50:07.000 Yeah.

02:50:07.000 So a certain subset of the population is thumbs up and thumbs down.

02:50:10.000 It's like Yelp.

02:50:11.000 Well, it's the people who leave comments.

02:50:12.000 Yeah.

02:50:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:50:13.000 Or write reviews for fucking food. 1.00

02:50:15.000 Right. 1.00

02:50:15.000 I think Madrigal has a... 1.00

02:50:17.000 Oh, my God.

02:50:17.000 Have you heard of Madrigal's bit about that?

02:50:19.000 No.

02:50:19.000 Does he have a good bit about it?

02:50:20.000 I forget.

02:50:21.000 I don't want to butcher it, but it's something about someone left a three out of five review, and it's like... 0.99

02:50:27.000 Who the fuck are you? 0.98

02:50:28.000 Like, I get if you loved it. 1.00

02:50:30.000 Right.

02:50:30.000 Or you hated it.

02:50:31.000 Right.

02:50:32.000 That's a good point.

02:50:34.000 Right about it.

02:50:35.000 Well, some people fancy themselves to be like foodies and a journalist, you know, exploring the subtle nuances of cuisine.

02:50:44.000 If you're hungry, it's good.

02:50:46.000 It is, but when you see a guy like Andrew Zimmerman traveling around the world and doing that, or you see Anthony Bourdain or a lot of these people, you think, I want to be like that.

02:50:54.000 Bourdain, the food was a lens for culture, though.

02:50:56.000 Yeah.

02:50:56.000 Right?

02:50:57.000 It was more than just food.

02:50:58.000 It was like, what does this food say about the people?

02:51:00.000 Some of the other guy, like, I mean, I don't know, Zimmerman, what is it, the weird food guy?

02:51:04.000 Yeah.

02:51:04.000 I mean, first of all, he looks like a salmon, and it's just weird to, like...

02:51:08.000 Just fucking stare at this guy. 0.99

02:51:11.000 Do you know what I mean? 1.00

02:51:12.000 It's just odd.

02:51:13.000 A salmon!

02:51:14.000 When you look at him, right?

02:51:16.000 Yeah.

02:51:16.000 It's just...

02:51:17.000 I don't know.

02:51:17.000 He's making his way up a fish ladder.

02:51:19.000 He's trying to get up the stream.

02:51:21.000 He's a salmon!

02:51:22.000 Bro, he's a salmon.

02:51:24.000 I would say a tuna.

02:51:26.000 Okay, he's got a little tuna in him.

02:51:28.000 Hmm.

02:51:29.000 Handsome fella.

02:51:30.000 Gorgeous.

02:51:31.000 He could be on a bill.

02:51:34.000 Um, anyway. 0.99

02:51:36.000 Yeah, I don't know why the fuck they're leaving these things. 0.86

02:51:38.000 But it's, you know, some people want a voice. 0.91

02:51:40.000 But they got rid of it because they invested so much money in certain things that were getting down likes and I was like, alright, let's...

02:51:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:51:45.000 Like, I guess they were doing it with Starz, right?

02:51:47.000 Was it Starz with Netflix?

02:51:49.000 Yeah.

02:51:49.000 Yeah, they pulled the Starz system.

02:51:51.000 Too bad I had a lot of motherfucking Starz, bitch. 1.00

02:51:54.000 Yeah, people are gonna watch yours regardless. 1.00

02:51:58.000 I think you give them an added value.

02:52:01.000 There's certain people that give Netflix the added value, and there's certain people that want the value from Netflix.

02:52:05.000 But it's also they're documenting some of the greatest stand-up specials in the history of stand-up.

02:52:10.000 There's like the Chappelle specials, the two recent ones that he did.

02:52:13.000 They're putting that stuff out there, and they're doing it in a way where no one else would do it.

02:52:17.000 Like HBO, which was the gold standard for the longest time, they would never do two Dave Chappelle specials at the same time.

02:52:24.000 Netflix is like, okay. 0.96

02:52:26.000 Dave's like, I got this new shit I want to do. 0.98

02:52:29.000 I'm going to do it in the belly room or the comedy store. 0.99

02:52:31.000 You know, and Dave was so ridiculous about it.

02:52:34.000 Dave and I were downstairs while he was doing this, while he was filming this. 0.99

02:52:38.000 We were downstairs in the smoking area of the comedy store, getting high as fuck. 0.98

02:52:45.000 And he was so casual about it. 0.97

02:52:47.000 He was like, hey man, you want to do a set?

02:52:49.000 You did a set on the bird?

02:52:51.000 I said, no, no, I just want to watch.

02:52:52.000 I said, no, no, I did three sets tonight.

02:52:54.000 I'm just going to chill and hang out in the back of the room.

02:52:56.000 But he's so relaxed.

02:52:58.000 During his special being taped, he's offering me a guest set.

02:53:02.000 He's like, hey, man, you want to do a set?

02:53:04.000 He still shows up.

02:53:06.000 He'll fly to places and show up and just do guest sets.

02:53:10.000 I was in Denver.

02:53:11.000 I come out the green room.

02:53:12.000 It's Friday night.

02:53:13.000 And Chappelle's in the green room.

02:53:16.000 And I go, hey man.

02:53:16.000 He goes, hey Joe.

02:53:17.000 I go, what are you doing?

02:53:18.000 He's like, man, I just feel like coming to Denver.

02:53:20.000 I go, you want to do a set? 1.00

02:53:22.000 He's like, oh yeah, fuck it. 1.00

02:53:23.000 So I bring him up on stage. 1.00

02:53:25.000 The audience is leaving.

02:53:26.000 They're leaving.

02:53:27.000 And I said, come back.

02:53:29.000 Dave Chappelle's here.

02:53:30.000 And they're like, what?

02:53:31.000 And everybody comes back.

02:53:32.000 He does 40 minutes.

02:53:33.000 Yeah.

02:53:33.000 It was amazing!

02:53:34.000 That's how he's doing it.

02:53:36.000 He's doing it for the art.

02:53:38.000 He's not doing it because he's making any money.

02:53:40.000 He did a free 40-minute show for these people that came there to see me. 0.98

02:53:44.000 He fucking loves it. 0.99

02:53:47.000 It's true with him, man. 0.99

02:53:48.000 He's a perfect example of it just being true.

02:53:50.000 He'll show up Monday night at the Comedy Store in front of 13 people and he'll go on stage and he'll do a half an hour in front of 13 people. 0.83

02:53:59.000 And he'll drink, and he'll smoke cigarettes, and he'll talk shit, and laugh at his own jokes, and everybody has one of the most magical experiences as an audience member you could ever have.

02:54:09.000 I was a young comic in New York, and there was a place called the Comedy Village, which was the Boston. 0.94

02:54:13.000 Do you remember the Boston?

02:54:14.000 Yeah, I remember.

02:54:14.000 Sure.

02:54:15.000 So it became Comedy Village.

02:54:16.000 When did it become the Village?

02:54:17.000 It's done now, but now it's like a Japanese restaurant.

02:54:19.000 Japs restaurant, no.

02:54:21.000 Ha! 0.89

02:54:22.000 Cut it, Jamie, cut it!

02:54:23.000 No, but there's a, and this is, I'm young, like barking, asking people to come in off the street.

02:54:30.000 Right.

02:54:31.000 How old were you when you started?

02:54:33.000 23?

02:54:35.000 23?

02:54:36.000 Yeah.

02:54:36.000 And Chappelle comes in, And when he gets on stage, there's probably 13 people on the crowd, right?

02:54:43.000 And the fucking word gets out. 0.99

02:54:45.000 And you just see people start slowly, it's like goldfish, you know what I mean? 1.00

02:54:50.000 When they can send some little, or ducks or something like that, when they sense the bread's coming in the pond.

02:54:53.000 And the place was packed within like 20 minutes.

02:54:57.000 Wow.

02:54:57.000 People outside.

02:54:58.000 It was just, everybody texting their friend, oh my god, Chappelle's here, da-da-da-da, it was so crazy.

02:55:02.000 And he did six hours.

02:55:04.000 What?!

02:55:04.000 Bro.

02:55:05.000 What?

02:55:05.000 Unreal, dude.

02:55:06.000 Unreal.

02:55:06.000 There were girls like falling asleep or something.

02:55:09.000 Maybe four hours.

02:55:10.000 Maybe four hours.

02:55:10.000 Something like that.

02:55:11.000 It was one of these long ones.

02:55:13.000 It was jazz, right?

02:55:15.000 It wasn't like I'm doing bits and I'm murdering the whole time.

02:55:19.000 He has this ability to make the audience comfortable in tension so that it is not anxiety-inducing.

02:55:29.000 Right?

02:55:29.000 What he can do is talk to you for five minutes straight without a punchline.

02:55:33.000 But as an audience member, you're not going, oh my god, is this guy not funny?

02:55:38.000 Well, that was when he was doing that for a while and where he wasn't doing scheduled shows.

02:55:44.000 All he was doing was these pop-ins. 0.98

02:55:46.000 And not only that, but he brought a fucking speaker and set up a microphone in the park in Seattle. 0.99

02:55:54.000 Outdoor. 1.00

02:55:55.000 You know he did that early on.

02:55:56.000 Yeah, I was there.

02:55:57.000 I watched it.

02:55:58.000 I watched him do it in Montreal.

02:56:00.000 In New York or in Montreal?

02:56:00.000 I saw him do it in Montreal.

02:56:02.000 We did a set together at Club Soda.

02:56:04.000 And after we got outside, we went outside and Dave just said, gather round people, gather round.

02:56:10.000 And he started doing stand-up to people in the street. 0.99

02:56:12.000 And they were like, what in the fuck? 0.99

02:56:13.000 And he was probably like 20. So, do you know William Stevenson? 0.99

02:56:17.000 Yeah.

02:56:18.000 Comic, rest in peace.

02:56:19.000 Sure, yeah, just died recently.

02:56:20.000 And he was one of the original comedy in the park guys, doing stand-up in the park.

02:56:24.000 Well, Charlie Barnett was the original.

02:56:25.000 And Barnett, yeah, Barnett.

02:56:26.000 And Dave would go with those dudes.

02:56:29.000 Yep, yep, yep.

02:56:30.000 And like, can you imagine a more hostile environment...

02:56:34.000 For stand-up.

02:56:35.000 Then New York City Park.

02:56:36.000 Then New York City Park!

02:56:37.000 You compete with guys doing front flips over Swedish tourists.

02:56:42.000 And then there's a guy just with jokes handling his own. 0.98

02:56:46.000 It's like, then you put him on a stage with lights and fucking mic and a seat and some cigarettes. 0.99

02:56:51.000 That's... 0.99

02:56:52.000 Yeah.

02:56:53.000 It's strength training.

02:56:54.000 It's like running with weights on.

02:56:55.000 So the question is how do we do that?

02:56:58.000 How do you find that the more successful you get when you have people that are coming to see you no matter what, where do we get our strength training?

02:57:08.000 Smoke weed and get paranoid.

02:57:10.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:57:10.000 That's what I'm saying, bro.

02:57:11.000 Feel vulnerable.

02:57:13.000 You gotta get vulnerable.

02:57:14.000 Lose control?

02:57:15.000 You gotta feel scared.

02:57:17.000 Yeah, feel nervous.

02:57:19.000 I like it.

02:57:20.000 I really do. 0.98

02:57:21.000 I joke around on stage about how I take edibles when I go to the airport, because I want to know what the fuck's really bothering me. 0.97

02:57:29.000 But it's really true. 0.95

02:57:31.000 I really do do that.

02:57:32.000 I take an edible when I fly, just so I can freak out.

02:57:35.000 Because you're too comfortable with this weird thing.

02:57:38.000 Get something out of that freaking out.

02:57:40.000 I'll find out where the holes in my game are.

02:57:43.000 I'll find out where my mental game is lacking.

02:57:46.000 What's really bothering me?

02:57:48.000 And then things that freak me out that I don't like about myself, I work on them.

02:57:53.000 I fix them.

02:57:54.000 I visit the wizard.

02:57:56.000 You've got to visit the wizard.

02:57:58.000 I wonder if this comes from having a fighting background because the one thing about fighting is if you have a hole in your game, it's exposed in the most brutal way.

02:58:09.000 Yeah.

02:58:10.000 Right?

02:58:10.000 Everything else in life, you can ignore the holes in your game.

02:58:14.000 Yep.

02:58:15.000 You can just be like, oh, I'm not a bad storyteller.

02:58:17.000 They were just busy.

02:58:18.000 I concentrate on my strengths.

02:58:19.000 Yeah.

02:58:20.000 Boxing or fight, whatever it is.

02:58:22.000 It's just like, I better keep my hand up.

02:58:24.000 Yep. 1.00

02:58:25.000 You better patch up those holes, bitch. 1.00

02:58:28.000 Maybe that's what it is with stand-up. 1.00

02:58:29.000 I think that's what it is with me.

02:58:32.000 That's my formula.

02:58:33.000 I don't recommend it to everybody because everybody doesn't have the same personality.

02:58:36.000 You might not have those same deficiencies.

02:58:40.000 It actually might be psychologically damaging to some people to get as high as I get.

02:58:45.000 You know? 0.97

02:58:46.000 Like, it might fuck with your head too much where you don't come back from it. 0.99

02:58:48.000 I come back like a nicer person. 0.99

02:58:50.000 But I'm in the same throes of fucking agony that a lot of people are when they get too high. 1.00

02:58:56.000 So you're purposely fucking yourself. 1.00

02:58:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:58:59.000 Shocking my system. 1.00

02:59:01.000 Yeah. 0.73

02:59:03.000 I purposely freak myself the fuck out.

02:59:05.000 Yeah.

02:59:07.000 And you don't think you'd be able to create without it?

02:59:09.000 Oh, I definitely could.

02:59:10.000 But not as good?

02:59:11.000 I don't know if I can as good, but I know it works.

02:59:14.000 I like doing it.

02:59:15.000 I like doing it because I always benefit from it.

02:59:18.000 I feel like I come back from those little paranoid journeys like a little bit of a better person.

02:59:24.000 And I think it's been responsible, along with other psychedelics and becoming a father, all those things, maybe a better person, maybe a nicer person, maybe more compassionate, more understanding, more friendly.

02:59:36.000 Yeah, more understanding is the big one.

02:59:39.000 More just...

02:59:41.000 I get it.

02:59:42.000 I don't want to be confident all the time.

02:59:44.000 I don't want to always be successful.

02:59:47.000 You know what I mean?

02:59:48.000 It's just like there are people listening right now that that's all they want, but they haven't experienced the other side of the coin.

02:59:55.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

02:59:56.000 But when people get too confident and then they have an audience, right?

03:00:00.000 If you have an audience.

03:00:01.000 Part of the problem is, and we've all seen this, when comics become really successful, they work to their own crowd and they don't do sets.

03:00:07.000 Yeah.

03:00:08.000 Yes.

03:00:18.000 Yes. 1.00

03:00:23.000 I want to hit them hard. 1.00

03:00:24.000 And they want to go, oh, look at this meathead. 1.00

03:00:26.000 Look at this fucking chimp-looking dude. 1.00

03:00:28.000 What's he going to say? 1.00

03:00:29.000 You can't be smart and funny.

03:00:31.000 You can't be interesting.

03:00:32.000 Whatever their biases is, I've got to figure out a way to soothe that over.

03:00:36.000 And the best way to do that is you've got to perform in hostile environments occasionally.

03:00:41.000 This is all so critical, man.

03:00:43.000 So critical.

03:00:44.000 Have good openers. 0.92

03:00:46.000 Yeah, killers. 1.00

03:00:47.000 Killers. 1.00

03:00:47.000 I bring murderers with me on the road. 1.00

03:00:49.000 Only way to do it.

03:00:49.000 I bring Joey Diaz on the road with me, man.

03:00:51.000 I brought Joey Diaz on the road for years.

03:00:53.000 I would tell people, they would get white in the face.

03:00:56.000 They'd be like, what?

03:00:58.000 Who opened for you in Dallas?

03:00:59.000 Oh, Diaz did.

03:01:00.000 Joey Diaz?

03:01:01.000 They'd get nervous.

03:01:02.000 Like, you brought Joey Diaz in front of 6,000 people?

03:01:05.000 Joey Diaz opened for you?

03:01:07.000 Yeah, yeah.

03:01:07.000 And you ain't seen murderer.

03:01:09.000 You ain't seen a real murder.

03:01:10.000 You see Joey Diaz at the Chicago Theater in front of 3,700 people. 1.00

03:01:14.000 And the fucking lights are dimming. 1.00

03:01:16.000 Like the lights are... 1.00

03:01:18.000 He's fucking crushing so hard. 0.99

03:01:20.000 People are falling down. 1.00

03:01:22.000 They're in pain.

03:01:23.000 In pain.

03:01:25.000 Yeah, you've never seen him live?

03:01:26.000 Never seen him live.

03:01:27.000 Dude.

03:01:27.000 I really wanted to when I was in LA last time.

03:01:29.000 I'll set it up.

03:01:29.000 How long are you in town for?

03:01:30.000 I gotta go tomorrow.

03:01:31.000 You leaving tomorrow?

03:01:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

03:01:32.000 Is he around tonight?

03:01:33.000 I'll find out.

03:01:34.000 I would love to just check on him.

03:01:35.000 He might be doing a set at the store tonight.

03:01:37.000 I'll ask him.

03:01:38.000 He's the GOAT, in my opinion.

03:01:40.000 Really?

03:01:41.000 Yep.

03:01:41.000 Whoa!

03:01:42.000 I've never seen anybody funnier.

03:01:43.000 Whoa! 0.97

03:01:44.000 He might not be the best writer, he might not have the most consistently crafted hours, but in terms of the highest highs, that motherfucker breaks through the magnetosphere and he wiggles out into the outer atmosphere of space like no one. 0.96

03:02:00.000 He hits these highs where, like... 0.91

03:02:03.000 Comics are crying, like holding your stomach crying, and he's screaming and yelling, and it's like, you ain't seen nothing like it, man.

03:02:12.000 I wrote about it.

03:02:14.000 I put it on my Instagram the other day.

03:02:15.000 He crushed so hard, and I can't even say what he was talking about.

03:02:21.000 I don't want to butcher it.

03:02:23.000 He crushes so hard.

03:02:26.000 And with such controversial material.

03:02:29.000 So unapologetic.

03:02:31.000 Good.

03:02:31.000 Push.

03:02:32.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:02:34.000 At one point in time, people were like, what the fuck? 0.99

03:02:36.000 He goes, what do you want from me? 1.00

03:02:37.000 I'm almost dead. 1.00

03:02:38.000 You think I give a fuck? 1.00

03:02:40.000 And people were dying. 1.00

03:02:42.000 I mean, dying.

03:02:43.000 I don't think there's ever been a person...

03:02:44.000 I've seen everybody, dude.

03:02:46.000 I've seen everybody.

03:02:47.000 From Rock to Chappelle to Louis C.K. I watched Sam Kinison when he was alive.

03:02:52.000 I saw Bill Hicks when he was alive.

03:02:54.000 I opened up...

03:02:55.000 I had to follow Pryor when he was dying.

03:02:59.000 For five weeks in a row.

03:03:00.000 But I saw Pryor live.

03:03:02.000 I've seen everybody live.

03:03:04.000 I saw Martin Lawrence and he's in his prime.

03:03:06.000 People forget how funny Martin Lawrence was.

03:03:09.000 He was destroyed.

03:03:10.000 I saw him back when he was wearing leather jumpsuits.

03:03:12.000 He would go on stage with V-neck leather jumpsuits and smash, smash.

03:03:18.000 I would have to go on after him.

03:03:19.000 But I never saw anybody like Joey.

03:03:22.000 Joey's on another level.

03:03:24.000 Who's your toughest follow?

03:03:27.000 Joey! 0.90

03:03:27.000 Without a doubt. 0.90

03:03:29.000 Yeah, man.

03:03:29.000 You gotta ride that wave.

03:03:32.000 But that's what's good about it.

03:03:33.000 It's like if you're funny and you're working on your stuff and you enjoy comedy, you go on stage already laughing.

03:03:42.000 So you go on stage already in a good mood.

03:03:45.000 That's what's up.

03:03:46.000 Part of being a tough follow is two things.

03:03:49.000 One, you're used to going on after Scrubs.

03:03:52.000 And there's a lot of guys that are good comics, but they like to bring Scrubs in the row with them.

03:03:56.000 And then they get settled in in that easy sort of environment.

03:04:00.000 I'm going to save the show.

03:04:01.000 Exactly.

03:04:02.000 There's a lot of guys that do that, man.

03:04:03.000 They'll take guys in the row with them that really are barely professionals.

03:04:07.000 And these guys are filling theaters.

03:04:09.000 And they're bringing...

03:04:10.000 Weak acts. 0.99

03:04:11.000 And they force this audience to sit through a half an hour of bullshit before they go on stage. 0.98

03:04:17.000 And then there's guys who don't do it like that. 0.97

03:04:21.000 Look, I don't know who was doing it that way before I was doing it.

03:04:27.000 But my thought was, if a guy makes me nervous when I go on after him, that's going to make me ramp it up.

03:04:33.000 Yes.

03:04:34.000 I don't walk on stage cold.

03:04:36.000 I'm backstage throwing punches and doing jumping jacks.

03:04:40.000 I'm doing breathing exercises. 0.99

03:04:42.000 When I come on stage, I'm fucking guns blazing, man. 0.99

03:04:46.000 If you go on after Joey Diaz, when he hits that crescendo, you better be ready. 0.98

03:04:51.000 When you came into the store, I remember I was about to ask you something, and you were on the wall, and then you just folded in half and touched your toes. 0.98

03:04:59.000 And I was like, what the fuck is going on? 0.95

03:05:01.000 I can barely touch my ankles. 0.99

03:05:04.000 All right, this is ritual.

03:05:05.000 I'm going to let him do his thing before he gets on.

03:05:07.000 Yeah, I loosen up.

03:05:07.000 Yeah, I get loose.

03:05:09.000 And I figured out that over time.

03:05:12.000 You can just walk on stage and everything will be fine.

03:05:14.000 Or you walk on stage with already, you got some intention.

03:05:18.000 Yeah.

03:05:19.000 Sometimes I got to remind myself of certain things to get up there.

03:05:22.000 The most important thing I learned is reminding myself that this crowd wasn't at the last show.

03:05:28.000 Yeah.

03:05:29.000 Like, sometimes you would take that energy from the early show when you're just bodying it and you're like, oh, I got this.

03:05:34.000 Let's go.

03:05:34.000 Let's just walk right in.

03:05:35.000 They went there.

03:05:36.000 They didn't see you killed.

03:05:37.000 Can't do that.

03:05:38.000 Can't do that.

03:05:38.000 Run it back.

03:05:39.000 Yeah.

03:05:39.000 You know?

03:05:39.000 You gotta always appreciate the audience's attention span.

03:05:44.000 And that's something that I've really learned from Boston. 0.99

03:05:47.000 In Boston, it's cold as fuck. 1.00

03:05:50.000 The women aren't the prettiest in the world. 1.00

03:05:51.000 Yeah.

03:05:51.000 And people are angry.

03:05:53.000 Yeah.

03:05:53.000 And they gotta work in the morning.

03:05:54.000 You better be ready on a Tuesday night.

03:05:57.000 I did this thing, and it never got picked up, but I put it out as part of this series.

03:06:02.000 Essentially, I emulated Bourdain's thing.

03:06:04.000 I wanted to look at a city through the lens of comedy instead of food.

03:06:07.000 The first city I picked was Boston, because all my favorite comics are from Boston. 0.99

03:06:10.000 I'm like, why the fuck has this city produced so much funny? 1.00

03:06:15.000 Savage immigrant people. 1.00

03:06:17.000 Is that it?

03:06:18.000 Yeah.

03:06:18.000 But it's no matter what type of funny.

03:06:21.000 Patrice O'Neal is my GOAT, right?

03:06:22.000 So it's like...

03:06:23.000 He's one of the GOATs for sure.

03:06:26.000 You can do one-liners.

03:06:28.000 Bill Burr is too.

03:06:28.000 Burr.

03:06:28.000 Whatever.

03:06:30.000 Stephen...

03:06:30.000 Stephen Wright.

03:06:31.000 Stephen Wright.

03:06:31.000 Do you know what I mean?

03:06:32.000 Conan is from the area.

03:06:34.000 We're talking about all different types of comedy.

03:06:38.000 Silverman's, I think, from New Hampshire or something like that, right?

03:06:40.000 But there's something about the region that no matter what style...

03:06:45.000 You see?

03:06:46.000 You're funny.

03:06:47.000 Come from here.

03:06:48.000 Yeah.

03:06:48.000 Where you're from?

03:06:50.000 Area?

03:06:50.000 What part is it?

03:06:51.000 Newton.

03:06:52.000 Newton.

03:06:52.000 Boston.

03:06:53.000 You're actually- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:06:54.000 I started in Boston.

03:06:55.000 I knew you started there, but I didn't know if you were from the city or- Well, I was born in New Jersey, but I lived all throughout my high school years and everything.

03:07:02.000 I lived in Boston. 0.99

03:07:03.000 So it's like, what the fuck is it about this city- It's cold. 1.00

03:07:09.000 It's cold as fuck. 1.00

03:07:11.000 It's cold in Minnesota. 1.00

03:07:12.000 Yeah.

03:07:13.000 There's something there, man.

03:07:14.000 Minnesota's too cold.

03:07:15.000 Ah, it needs to be warming up to talk to people.

03:07:18.000 Yeah.

03:07:19.000 You need to be warm enough before you go outside.

03:07:20.000 Also, well, you know, it's a scene.

03:07:24.000 It's like a scene has to be established, too, because Boston does not have the scene it used to have in the 80s.

03:07:29.000 Right.

03:07:29.000 But L.A. has a better scene than ever.

03:07:31.000 Yes.

03:07:31.000 And scenes are fluid.

03:07:33.000 They come and they go.

03:07:34.000 You know, like Denver has a scene, and they have a scene because of Wendy, who owns the comedy works. 1.00

03:07:38.000 Because the comedy works, yeah, yeah.

03:07:40.000 Yeah.

03:08:01.000 They created a monster dynamic where all these young guys were coming up following these killers, and I was very fortunate to be one of those guys.

03:08:10.000 And that's why I wanted to talk to Steve and tell him that on the show. 0.99

03:08:14.000 I saw that fucking guy. 1.00

03:08:16.000 I saw that guy murder, murder. 1.00

03:08:19.000 And nobody was watching in terms of the national audience.

03:08:23.000 It was just Boston.

03:08:24.000 But...

03:08:26.000 He would go on stage at Nick's Comedy Stop and level the crowd.

03:08:29.000 Leveled it. 1.00

03:08:29.000 Like a fucking hydrogen bomb dropped in the middle of the room. 1.00

03:08:32.000 Just boom! 1.00

03:08:33.000 So you learn what killing is.

03:08:35.000 I feel like one of the toughest things about the alternative scenes, and I'm not knocking necessarily the comedy, but...

03:08:42.000 The litmus test for murdering is different.

03:08:45.000 When I was coming up in New York and I had to follow, rest in peace, Mike DiStefano, Greer Barnes, guys that maybe are not household names.

03:08:54.000 People don't know Greer.

03:08:55.000 Greer is a beast.

03:08:57.000 Greer and I did shows together.

03:08:58.000 We did colleges together back on the road way in the 90s.

03:09:03.000 If you want to know, at least for me, if you want to know what Chappelle is, Chappelle is Tony Woods and Greer.

03:09:10.000 He is a... 0.78

03:09:11.000 Tony Woods is another beast. 0.98

03:09:13.000 Tony is unfathomable, but he is the gremlin that popped off of both of their backs.

03:09:17.000 If you could mold them together, everything that is amazing about Tony and amazing about Greer...

03:09:23.000 Well, I mean, that's how it is with music.

03:09:25.000 That's how it is with everything.

03:09:26.000 We need each other.

03:09:27.000 You know, that's why when I see a guy like you coming up, I'm like, ooh, good.

03:09:31.000 Thank you.

03:09:32.000 I'm happy you're around.

03:09:33.000 I like it.

03:09:34.000 I like comedy.

03:09:35.000 If I stop doing comedy tomorrow, I want more comedy to watch.

03:09:40.000 I love laughing.

03:09:42.000 That's why I tell you, I sit down and watch Joey Diaz. 0.98

03:09:45.000 I fucking love comedy. 0.98

03:09:48.000 You know? 0.99

03:09:48.000 But the thing about Joey is, Joey has new material all the fucking time. 0.99

03:09:53.000 You go see Joey now, and you see him four months from now, you'll see a whole new set. 0.96

03:09:57.000 Yeah, I gotta see Joey while I'm out here.

03:09:58.000 He's the best, man.

03:10:00.000 Let me know if he's doing a spot.

03:10:01.000 You watch him, I'm gonna try to see if he's...

03:10:02.000 Where's he at?

03:10:03.000 You guys have a show, I think, so...

03:10:05.000 Maybe I'll run over at the comedy store.

03:10:08.000 What time?

03:10:08.000 8 o'clock show.

03:10:09.000 Oh, he's on the 8 o'clock show?

03:10:10.000 Yeah.

03:10:10.000 Oh, you're on the 8 o'clock show.

03:10:12.000 Well, he'll probably be on later.

03:10:13.000 I'll find out when he's up.

03:10:14.000 Yeah.

03:10:15.000 Whose show's tonight at the Comedy Store?

03:10:17.000 He's on the show a year before, the 8 o'clock version of the Skylar Show.

03:10:21.000 Oh.

03:10:22.000 Am I on that tonight?

03:10:23.000 10 o'clock, I think.

03:10:24.000 I am?

03:10:26.000 Well, that's what it said.

03:10:27.000 Okay.

03:10:29.000 Oh, yeah, I guess I am.

03:10:30.000 All right.

03:10:31.000 I forgot.

03:10:32.000 Well, I know I have a set at the store.

03:10:34.000 I guess I have two.

03:10:37.000 Yeah, I just got to see him.

03:10:39.000 Let's wrap this up, Andrew.

03:10:41.000 Thank you.

03:10:41.000 Here we go.

03:10:42.000 Skylar Stone.

03:10:43.000 Oh, look at that.

03:10:43.000 I'm on that.

03:10:44.000 Gang. 0.66

03:10:44.000 Interesting. 0.66

03:10:46.000 All right.

03:10:46.000 Beautiful.

03:10:47.000 Cool. 1.00

03:10:48.000 All right, motherfuckers. 1.00

03:10:49.000 That's it. 1.00

03:10:50.000 Tell everybody where to find your shit. 1.00

03:10:52.000 Oh, YouTube. 1.00

03:10:53.000 YouTube.com slash TheAndrewSchultz.

03:10:55.000 You check out...

03:10:55.000 TheAndrewSchultz.

03:10:56.000 Yeah, Andrew Schultz was taken.

03:10:58.000 No T in Schultz.

03:10:59.000 And then Twitter and Instagram, just Andrew Schultz.

03:11:01.000 And yeah, check out the special, man, if you love it.

03:11:04.000 And if you like it, share it with your friends.

03:11:05.000 That'd be awesome.

03:11:06.000 If not, I appreciate you even just watching.

03:11:08.000 Thank you so much for having me, man. 0.95

03:11:10.000 This was a fucking great combo. 0.96

03:11:11.000 Thanks for being you. 0.99

03:11:12.000 I'm excited.

03:11:12.000 I appreciate you, man.

03:11:13.000 I love seeing guys like you come up.

03:11:14.000 I appreciate you, man.

03:11:15.000 All right, bye, everybody.

03:11:16.000 We'll see you soon.

03:11:18.000 So good.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 14, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1265 - Andrew Schulz

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript