The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #128 - Joey Diaz

00:00:01.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by the fleshlight.

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00:00:15.000 Yay! 0.99

00:00:16.000 Yay! 0.99

00:00:19.000 Joe Diaz is in the house.

00:00:20.000 Bitches! 1.00

00:00:22.000 Buckle up. 0.96

00:00:22.000 Joe Rogan experience. 0.96

00:00:24.000 We're finna make shit happen.

00:00:25.000 We're finna make shit happen.

00:00:35.000 I'm going to say that all the time now.

00:00:37.000 We're fin to do this.

00:00:39.000 We're finna make shit happen.

00:00:41.000 I don't even know where that came from.

00:00:43.000 I don't know why it exists.

00:00:45.000 We're Finn.

00:00:45.000 We're Finn to do this.

00:00:46.000 But I like it.

00:00:47.000 I'm a fan of We're Finn to.

00:00:50.000 We're Finn to Do This.

00:00:52.000 I don't know what it means.

00:00:53.000 What are you talking about?

00:00:54.000 You lost me on that.

00:00:55.000 We're Finn to go do this podcast.

00:00:58.000 Some guy tweeted me saying he doesn't like when I do a black voice.

00:01:02.000 And to him, I say tough shit.

00:01:05.000 I'm going to have to deal with that.

00:01:06.000 If there wasn't people that actually talked like that, you know, if I was doing that white guy voice that Richard Pryor always did that never bothered me, he's like, hey there, Mr. Sol, Mr. Pryor, my mom, why she's a great old gal.

00:01:21.000 I guess there are a few people that talk like that, but there's a lot of motherfuckers who talk like my black voice, okay?

00:01:28.000 It's not like you have to go find them like gee gallicky, gee whiz, gee whizermaker. 0.98

00:01:34.000 No, there's a lot of dudes who'll be like, we finna do this podcast.

00:01:38.000 That's not even ridiculous.

00:01:40.000 That sounds exactly what a lot of black people sound like. 1.00

00:01:43.000 But for whatever fucking reason, man, black people are so super sensitive about just a little good-natured joking around. 1.00

00:01:53.000 I got in trouble the other day.

00:01:54.000 I went to a five-star restaurant called The Ritz.

00:01:57.000 I don't know if you ever heard of it, but it was like the most whitest place ever. 0.99

00:02:01.000 Like there was four waiters, one for just your glasses, and they were all standing by your table.

00:02:04.000 It was for my birthday.

00:02:06.000 And I Twittered a joke like, oh, I really wish they would let black people in here. 1.00

00:02:10.000 Ha ha ha.

00:02:10.000 You know, as a joke, and people got so fucking pissed off at me.

00:02:14.000 And I had to explain, like, no, I was making fun of that.

00:02:16.000 I was making fun how white it was and how it was disgusting.

00:02:21.000 Yeah, people are super goddamn sensitive.

00:02:24.000 I made one fucking joke, and I think the joke was, there was something real obvious in the news.

00:02:30.000 I forget what it was.

00:02:32.000 And my response to it was, so they're telling us some shit that we already knew.

00:02:37.000 Like, what's next?

00:02:38.000 You're going to tell me that many black people don't tip, you know? 1.00

00:02:41.000 Which, by the way, I'm not saying all, but I'm saying many.

00:02:44.000 I'm saying it's a known thing that if you work in restaurants, a lot of times black people don't tip.

00:02:49.000 If you're black and you tip, God bless you. 0.98

00:02:50.000 You know, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that.

00:02:52.000 Look, I am from Italian descent.

00:02:55.000 I'm Italian and Irish.

00:02:57.000 And I've said on many occasions that my people are fucking monkeys, those fucking dummies, those wannabe soprano dummies. 0.99

00:03:06.000 There's so many dumb Italians. 1.00

00:03:09.000 It is embarrassing to be Italian all the time. 1.00

00:03:11.000 I mean, Italians make some badass food.

00:03:13.000 And there's a certain Robert De Niro percentage of Italians that are bad motherfuckers. 1.00

00:03:18.000 There's a few Rocky Marcianos out there in the world. 0.99

00:03:20.000 But by and large, the great percentage of Italians are douchebags. 1.00

00:03:25.000 And that's me.

00:03:25.000 That's me.

00:03:26.000 We're just being realistic.

00:03:28.000 There's nothing wrong with that.

00:03:29.000 But for whatever fucking reason, I say this thing about black people tipping and people are calling me racist and all this fucking shit.

00:03:37.000 So this weekend, I'm in Philadelphia, right?

00:03:40.000 We're there for the UFC.

00:03:42.000 And I'm with my boy Tommy Jr. and his girl Katie.

00:03:45.000 And we get high as Jesus on the fucking space shuttle.

00:03:50.000 We got down, Joe Diaz.

00:03:52.000 We went deep.

00:03:53.000 We just kept smoking.

00:03:56.000 What?

00:03:56.000 You got to break out the yay weed when I come up here, dog.

00:03:59.000 What are you talking about?

00:04:00.000 Brian, that weed we just smoked don't do shit to me.

00:04:02.000 If you make me drive 40 minutes up here, you got to get me stoned, bro.

00:04:05.000 That Susquehanna weed, I've been telling you about that shit.

00:04:07.000 Susquehanna.

00:04:08.000 Yeah, you brought that shit to the ice house, too.

00:04:09.000 That shit don't do nothing to you.

00:04:11.000 You're so crazy.

00:04:12.000 It's true.

00:04:12.000 You need to go to a doctor.

00:04:13.000 What the fuck, dog?

00:04:14.000 You need to go to some stories.

00:04:15.000 You need to go to a doctor.

00:04:16.000 What are you talking about?

00:04:17.000 That shit don't do nothing to you, dog.

00:04:18.000 You got to bust out some good weed, dog.

00:04:20.000 Enough is enough with this shit.

00:04:22.000 It's fucking walking around like Jack Florence and weed you can fucking fucking.

00:04:25.000 No, it's not.

00:04:26.000 Look at my fucking eyes.

00:04:27.000 Do I look high than you guy?

00:04:28.000 Yeah, you have science.

00:04:29.000 Because I smoke on the way.

00:04:31.000 Because I knew you were going to give me that slusk or hand of fucking weed. 1.00

00:04:33.000 Joey.

00:04:34.000 You better start getting some good fucking weed. 0.75

00:04:35.000 You give me that hand of my tan of weed.

00:04:39.000 That's the second time in a fucking row.

00:04:41.000 Yo, dude, you just garbage.

00:04:44.000 They sold you on it.

00:04:45.000 Look at my eyes.

00:04:46.000 That's so crazy.

00:04:47.000 It's garbage.

00:04:48.000 You better start getting some strong fucking weed.

00:04:51.000 Relax.

00:04:51.000 I love you, too.

00:04:52.000 You got to go to a doctor.

00:04:54.000 Damn.

00:04:54.000 You always hit me with this.

00:04:57.000 And you got stoned.

00:04:58.000 How the fuck are you smoking?

00:04:59.000 Look at me.

00:05:00.000 What broken?

00:05:01.000 What fucking broken?

00:05:02.000 He hit me with this.

00:05:03.000 What are you talking about?

00:05:06.000 Here, motherfucker.

00:05:08.000 Brian, how high are you right now?

00:05:09.000 Bro, he got tied on a fucking polemack.

00:05:11.000 Are you high as fuck?

00:05:12.000 High as fuck.

00:05:12.000 Look at him.

00:05:13.000 He's as high as fucking Dollin Ambulance.

00:05:15.000 Joey, Joe, but please relax.

00:05:16.000 The biggest thing was that it was a tightly rolled joint.

00:05:18.000 Right.

00:05:19.000 And he used to take huge power hits where he's just feeling in his lungs.

00:05:23.000 You're like big.

00:05:23.000 You are.

00:05:24.000 No, I couldn't get a hit off, but it was too fucking tight.

00:05:28.000 Okay, Joey, Joey.

00:05:29.000 You're fucking screaming at America listening to you.

00:05:32.000 Who gives a fuck?

00:05:33.000 They need to be a little bit more.

00:05:34.000 Who gave a fucking job saying that you're high and you give me that Susquehanna weed?

00:05:38.000 You know I love you to death, but you got to pack the A-team.

00:05:40.000 Okay, Joey.

00:05:41.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

00:05:42.000 People are listening to this.

00:05:43.000 You understand that this is entertainment?

00:05:45.000 I know.

00:05:45.000 All you're doing is complaining about.

00:05:47.000 I'm just telling you that I want to get high when I'm in the middle of the day.

00:05:47.000 I'm not complaining.

00:05:49.000 I'm not complaining.

00:05:50.000 Listen to what you're doing.

00:05:51.000 That's complaining. 1.00

00:05:52.000 You invite me to your home and you give me the Susquehanna weed.

00:05:55.000 What the fuck is a Susquehanna?

00:05:58.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

00:05:59.000 You're gonna Susquehanna hat company?

00:06:00.000 No.

00:06:02.000 Those cheap fucking hats?

00:06:03.000 You got the NBA team here.

00:06:04.000 What fucking planet are you from?

00:06:06.000 You're fucking smoking that shitty weed.

00:06:08.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:06:10.000 I'm talking about the goddamn thing I did this weekend.

00:06:13.000 Okay, I didn't know if you were talking about that shit weed.

00:06:15.000 You are so fucked up.

00:06:15.000 You just fucked up.

00:06:18.000 Fuck.

00:06:18.000 Look at my hat.

00:06:19.000 Yeah, that's what it is.

00:06:20.000 It's not that you weigh 300 pounds and you smoke pot all day, every day.

00:06:24.000 That's what it is.

00:06:25.000 That's not what it is.

00:06:26.000 Blame it on my back.

00:06:27.000 There's something on my fucking weed.

00:06:29.000 It's not fat.

00:06:30.000 It's the physical size of your body.

00:06:33.000 Oh, you're crazy.

00:06:34.000 Best weed you. 0.96

00:06:36.000 I go to other stores.

00:06:37.000 I go to other stores.

00:06:38.000 Get the fuck out of me.

00:06:39.000 That's the second time, so I'm bringing your weed around.

00:06:43.000 I love you complaining.

00:06:44.000 He's so whiny.

00:06:46.000 He's so broody.

00:06:47.000 You're so broady.

00:06:49.000 You don't look like bad weed.

00:06:50.000 Joey, please shut the fuck up, man. 1.00

00:06:51.000 This is a goddamn podcast.

00:06:53.000 You've been complaining for five fucking minutes about weed.

00:06:55.000 You're telling me that what's Susquehanna?

00:06:57.000 You know what Susquehanna is.

00:06:58.000 I don't know what Susquehanna is.

00:07:01.000 No more fucking late night podcast for Joey.

00:07:03.000 No more.

00:07:04.000 No more.

00:07:05.000 You can't handle it.

00:07:06.000 I love you, dog.

00:07:07.000 I love you too, but there's 2,000 people listening right now.

00:07:11.000 Hundreds of thousands are listening online.

00:07:13.000 And all you're doing is complaining about weed for five minutes.

00:07:16.000 Yeah, that might have been ruined.

00:07:18.000 Joey, Joey, I've been a big fan of your YouTube video.

00:07:21.000 Shut the fuck up about this thing. 0.99

00:07:22.000 I've got to tell you about Philadelphia.

00:07:24.000 God damn it.

00:07:25.000 You're trying to change the subject after he beats me down?

00:07:28.000 I was just trying to calm him down for a second.

00:07:32.000 Don't talk about weed, dog.

00:07:33.000 Not around me, dog.

00:07:35.000 I'm talking about Reed.

00:07:36.000 I got the fucking wheel weed.

00:07:38.000 So Philly has a cracked bell.

00:07:41.000 Yeah, we're in Philadelphia.

00:07:43.000 Tommy Jr. brings us Connecticut weed.

00:07:45.000 I am thinking this is going to be just terrible.

00:07:47.000 I don't think this is going to be useless.

00:07:49.000 But it was Joey Diaz style, OG Kush, Indica, the shit that you used to smoke.

00:07:55.000 And we just go eight, nine, ten hits deep to the point where we don't want to leave the balcony.

00:08:00.000 Okay, we're terrified.

00:08:01.000 We're out there and we're looking out.

00:08:02.000 It's a beautiful summer night.

00:08:04.000 And, you know, Tommy Jr. is my boy.

00:08:05.000 I've known him since I was like in my early 20s.

00:08:08.000 And, you know, his girl Katie is really cool.

00:08:09.000 And we're hanging out.

00:08:10.000 And the three of us are just giggling our asses off going, we're too high to go outside.

00:08:14.000 We're so high.

00:08:15.000 We're so nervous and paranoid.

00:08:16.000 But we're going to see Planet of the Apes.

00:08:18.000 We had decided the evening was, I was looking forward to this weekend very much because usually on Friday night before the UFC, I always do a show.

00:08:26.000 We always do a show somewhere.

00:08:27.000 But this weekend, I was just going to play pool with Tommy.

00:08:30.000 And Tommy, you know, texts me somewhere during the week, dude, Planet of the Apes opens this week.

00:08:34.000 Let's do that too.

00:08:34.000 Like, fuck yeah.

00:08:35.000 We got to, you know, for me, man, I've got kids, little babies, and they constantly need supervision.

00:08:40.000 And I don't really get a chance to just go fuck off for a whole day.

00:08:44.000 So this is, I do the, the, the, weigh-ins are done by five o'clock, and I'm hanging out with Tommy right after that.

00:08:49.000 I do some UFC shit for like an hour, and then we're hanging out.

00:08:52.000 So we're so high, we can't, we can't think straight.

00:08:56.000 We're just giggling, but little giggle silly high.

00:08:58.000 It wasn't like my kind of high where it's like thinking about Jupiter and, you know, what happens if a planet hits another planet.

00:09:04.000 No, it's the, it's Joe Diaz style high.

00:09:07.000 So we're giggling and we have a driver.

00:09:10.000 Luckily, I have this guy taking us around, you know, like a big town car, but a, whatever those SUV things.

00:09:15.000 So the guy takes us to this movie theater.

00:09:18.000 I go, take us to whatever the good movie theater is in town, right?

00:09:22.000 And he goes, well, the good movie theater is over here.

00:09:24.000 So he takes me to this super white neighborhood where all the movies are shit movies. 0.88

00:09:29.000 It's all like foreign films.

00:09:31.000 You know, those weird, those, what are those theaters called?

00:09:34.000 Those aren't.

00:09:35.000 Lemlis.

00:09:36.000 Well, you go there and you go, what the fuck is this movie?

00:09:36.000 Yeah.

00:09:40.000 You look for something that you recognize, but everything's alternative.

00:09:43.000 I'm sure some of them are good, but I've seen some that everybody told me were good because they were alternative.

00:09:48.000 Like fucking, it was Ghost Dog, whatever that samurai one was with Forrest Whitaker.

00:09:53.000 Everybody's like, it's so amazing.

00:09:55.000 It was such a piece of shit.

00:09:57.000 It was such a dumb movie.

00:09:58.000 And everybody's like, it's amazing.

00:10:00.000 Because it's an independent film.

00:10:02.000 So it's one of these Lemley films.

00:10:03.000 So anyway, we can't go to there.

00:10:05.000 So I go, you got to go to one where there's Planet of the Apes, man.

00:10:09.000 We're going to go see Planet of the Apes.

00:10:11.000 So I look on the iPhone app and it says, okay, take me to this one.

00:10:14.000 And the guy goes, okay, I goes, is that in a good neighborhood?

00:10:16.000 He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:10:17.000 Guy barely speaks English.

00:10:19.000 He takes us there.

00:10:20.000 We get out and we're giggling.

00:10:22.000 We're going to go see Planet of the Apes.

00:10:23.000 We walk into Planet of the Apes.

00:10:26.000 We walked into Africa, dude.

00:10:28.000 We walked in the door and there was no white people.

00:10:32.000 There was no white people.

00:10:33.000 Planet of the Apes didn't take place in Africa.

00:10:35.000 That was a racist thing for me to say.

00:10:37.000 You see what I'm saying.

00:10:40.000 Yeah, what happened is we walked into the blackest neighborhood we could find. 1.00

00:10:45.000 I mean, there was literally no white people.

00:10:47.000 It was amazing.

00:10:48.000 And everybody was super cool.

00:10:51.000 You know, it wasn't a negative experience.

00:10:52.000 And this is something I wrote on Twitter that we all went to see Planet of the Apes in a black neighborhood, an experience I highly recommend.

00:11:00.000 And all these fucking people started calling me a racist.

00:11:04.000 I mean, dozens of Twitter people, dude, I didn't know you were racist.

00:11:08.000 Fuck you.

00:11:09.000 Like black people were saying, fuck you.

00:11:10.000 I'm like, listen, man, I am saying it was a positive experience.

00:11:14.000 I said, I highly recommend.

00:11:15.000 And it was a black neighborhood.

00:11:18.000 And we get in there, right?

00:11:19.000 And we're so, we're so giggly high.

00:11:21.000 We're like, oh my God, we're so high.

00:11:22.000 And then I realized like, whoa, everyone's black here.

00:11:24.000 Like, well, I mean, everyone's black here.

00:11:26.000 This is crazy.

00:11:26.000 And then a bunch of people recognize me and they start want to take in pictures.

00:11:29.000 And it's all good.

00:11:30.000 Everybody's cool and friendly.

00:11:31.000 Cool as shit.

00:11:32.000 Cool as shit.

00:11:33.000 Like this guy goes, yo, man, I don't, where I know you from.

00:11:36.000 I don't want to, I don't want to bother you, man.

00:11:38.000 I'm not trying to use up your time.

00:11:39.000 Where I know you from?

00:11:40.000 I go, Fear Factor.

00:11:41.000 I go, yeah, that's it.

00:11:43.000 But it's the way he said it was like so cool.

00:11:46.000 And we're giggling.

00:11:47.000 Oh, no one did the Smoke Rocks thing, but I took a lot of goddamn pictures.

00:11:50.000 And like I said, super cool, super friendly.

00:11:53.000 This is not a negative story.

00:11:54.000 So then we go into the movie theater, right?

00:11:56.000 It's me, Tommy, and like maybe there's another white person, maybe one other white person.

00:12:00.000 Movie theater filled with black people and they are having a good fucking time. 1.00

00:12:04.000 And you know how people always complain that black people talk to the movie theater and talk to the screen?

00:12:09.000 Yes, they do.

00:12:10.000 But it's good.

00:12:12.000 Fucking, yeah, if that's what you know.

00:12:15.000 So the way I felt like I'm like, look, I'm in their neighborhood.

00:12:17.000 This is how they go to the movies.

00:12:19.000 Who the fuck am I to be offended by how they like to go to the movies?

00:12:23.000 They were at the movies.

00:12:24.000 And I'm not saying all black neighborhoods do this, but this particular black neighborhood, these people brought babies, bro. 0.96

00:12:29.000 I mean, there's a lot of people with babies.

00:12:31.000 I mean, it wasn't just one.

00:12:31.000 Yeah.

00:12:33.000 These people in front of us walked in and they had toddlers, like little two-year-olds, sitting on their lap to see Planet of the Fucking Apes at like 10.40 on a Friday night.

00:12:43.000 Didn't give a fuck about it.

00:12:44.000 Give a fuck.

00:12:45.000 Nothing.

00:12:46.000 Didn't give a fuck.

00:12:46.000 But I'll tell you what made me really nervous and made me feel kind of weird was watching all of these previews of all these different TV shows or all these different movies rather that are coming out.

00:12:59.000 And I'm watching These movies, and all of them are about white people. 0.68

00:13:03.000 Oh, weird.

00:13:04.000 And I'm sitting there and I'm going, wow, this is weird.

00:13:07.000 Like, imagine being a black person. 0.87

00:13:10.000 And I always thought, like, people would complain, like, I'd hear black people complain about, you know, oh, there's no films for black people, there's no roles for black actors.

00:13:18.000 And I'd be like, so go make a movie.

00:13:20.000 What do you want from me?

00:13:21.000 You know, but when you go to a goddamn movie theater with all black people, that's when you really feel it. 1.00

00:13:27.000 I'm sitting there in the audience and all these people are black, but every movie preview is white.

00:13:34.000 There's no black characters.

00:13:36.000 And then finally, there's this movie with Jonah Hill.

00:13:38.000 They show a preview for the movie and it's Jonah Hill and he's doing all this different shit and he's babysitting kids, but he's supposed to be like a cool guy.

00:13:46.000 And the way they show you he's a cool guy is there's an old black guy working like at a door at a club.

00:13:53.000 Like the black guy's there and Jonah Hill's talking black to him. 0.94

00:13:56.000 You know, it is what it is, brother.

00:13:57.000 And I'm watching this with all these black people.

00:13:57.000 It is what it is.

00:14:00.000 I'm watching this white guy talk like a black guy and I'm in this fucking theater field and I'm like, and I'm high as fuck.

00:14:07.000 I mean, just barbecued, sitting there soaking in this experience going, wow, this is fucked up.

00:14:13.000 Like, what?

00:14:14.000 No wonder why black people are angry and they feel disenfranchised. 0.99

00:14:18.000 Like, they're completely removed from the mainstream cultural experience in a lot of ways.

00:14:23.000 Like, there's a tiny percentage of black people that are included in movies.

00:14:26.000 So finally, Planet of the Apes plays.

00:14:29.000 Everyone's white in the movie, except the bad guy.

00:14:32.000 The bad guy is a black guy. 0.99

00:14:35.000 And I thought it was so strange.

00:14:37.000 And not only that, he's a bad guy who owns this giant company and he has an English accent. 0.66

00:14:44.000 It's like, not only is he a, but you, it's like you couldn't have a brother from Philadelphia that figured out how to own this corporation.

00:14:50.000 It couldn't be a guy, even a brother that talks like a regular businessman type dude, you know, who's like, well, what we need to do is acquire this.

00:14:58.000 And, you know, once we get that, and then we'll be on moving.

00:15:01.000 And then we get in the force.

00:15:02.000 You know, no, no, no.

00:15:03.000 This guy has an English accent.

00:15:04.000 He doesn't sound like anybody you know.

00:15:07.000 And this is the only black guy in the fucking movie.

00:15:09.000 And I'm like, wow.

00:15:10.000 And then the rest of the movie is just badass monkeys.

00:15:14.000 Just badass chimpanzees.

00:15:15.000 So was the CGI awesome?

00:15:16.000 Was it?

00:15:17.000 Oh my God, is it good?

00:15:19.000 First of all, the movie is the shit.

00:15:21.000 Planet of the Apes is a dope movie.

00:15:24.000 It's a good movie for everybody.

00:15:26.000 I think it's PG-13, believe it or not.

00:15:29.000 Yeah, because the violence is all sort of implied.

00:15:31.000 Like, you know what the fuck went down, but they don't really show it to you.

00:15:35.000 But it's not removed from violence.

00:15:37.000 It's a terrifying movie.

00:15:38.000 And the, like, keep, you know, I don't want to say, I can't, I don't know.

00:15:42.000 Oh, how many of the old ones did you watch?

00:15:45.000 Oh, I watched all of them.

00:15:46.000 Oh, five.

00:15:47.000 I watched all of them.

00:15:47.000 And what did you think of the first one?

00:15:48.000 It's still sensational.

00:15:50.000 Well, you know, you have to put yourself back in the top.

00:15:52.000 Because back in the time, it was a great movie.

00:15:54.000 It's like a lot of movies, they don't hold up because you have to realize that culturally, human beings have evolved in a huge way from 1970 to 2011.

00:16:08.000 I mean, if you want any proof that something is happening to our culture and that things are expanding and moving forward in an exponentially increasing way, all you have to do is look at old movies.

00:16:20.000 Old movies are almost unwatchable.

00:16:22.000 Unwatchable.

00:16:23.000 The ADD concept is unwatchable.

00:16:26.000 We don't last that long.

00:16:27.000 Well, not only that, they're just not good.

00:16:29.000 Like, I watched Altered States.

00:16:31.000 I mean, Altered States.

00:16:32.000 It's a badass movie when I was a kid.

00:16:34.000 You know, I'm capped in Isolation Tank.

00:16:35.000 You know what I mean?

00:16:36.000 I mean, I'm in that goddamn thing all the time.

00:16:37.000 And I learned about the isolation tank from that movie.

00:16:40.000 I learned about ayahuasca from that movie.

00:16:43.000 I learned a lot of shit from that movie.

00:16:44.000 That movie was a big- How old is that fucking movie?

00:16:46.000 84 or something like that?

00:16:48.000 Wow.

00:16:48.000 I think so.

00:16:49.000 I'm just talking out of my ass.

00:16:50.000 I'm guessing, though.

00:16:52.000 Now, who's in that again, Halton States?

00:16:54.000 That's not the Christopher Walker one where he takes.

00:16:56.000 No, William Hurt is in it.

00:16:58.000 It's 1980.

00:16:59.000 That's even earlier than I thought.

00:17:00.000 That's 30 fucking one years ago.

00:17:02.000 It's so bad.

00:17:03.000 31 fucking years ago. 0.93

00:17:05.000 Somebody needs to redo that goddamn movie because that's a fascinating thing, especially with ayahuasca being so popular, you know, and isolation tanks are pretty goddamn popular right now, too.

00:17:14.000 Hey, but they're doing Footless instead.

00:17:16.000 I think it's amazing that isolation tanks, a lot of while it's popular is us.

00:17:21.000 A lot of while it's popular is talking about it on the podcast and talk about it in videos.

00:17:25.000 You know, that's incredible that no one is talking about one of the most amazing tools for the human mind ever created.

00:17:31.000 And it's not like it's a fucking, you know, one of those things that they had to build in the movie Contact and it costs a billion dollars.

00:17:36.000 You need fucking cranes to put it into place.

00:17:39.000 No, it's fucking simple.

00:17:40.000 I mean, there's directions for building these goddamn things on the internet.

00:17:43.000 Was the movie in 3D?

00:17:45.000 No.

00:17:46.000 The one I saw was not in 3D.

00:17:48.000 I don't know if it is in 3D.

00:17:49.000 I don't know.

00:17:50.000 I know what's really crazy, but it was awesome.

00:17:50.000 I'm not aware.

00:17:52.000 And Brian is my witness.

00:17:54.000 We went to Philly about 18 months ago to two years ago and we ran out of weed.

00:17:58.000 And somebody gave us a joint on the way to the club.

00:18:00.000 That's right.

00:18:01.000 And the same thing happened to us.

00:18:02.000 So you don't fucking remember.

00:18:03.000 I mean, when we brought some weed to Philly, this shit was probably 10 to 10.

00:18:03.000 Yeah.

00:18:07.000 That was the DJ.

00:18:08.000 What was it?

00:18:09.000 The DJ gave it to us.

00:18:10.000 One of the guys who works at the radio station.

00:18:10.000 It was Brian.

00:18:12.000 And all four of us were like, we don't want no more.

00:18:14.000 And it's something that you really have to think about.

00:18:16.000 I got to come out here and pay $300 for an ounce.

00:18:19.000 And back there, they're paying $125 and they're getting fucking blitzed.

00:18:23.000 Yeah, well, they're getting that indica, that crazy silly silly coffee.

00:18:27.000 It's brown and it's fucking strong.

00:18:30.000 It's definitely a different high.

00:18:31.000 It's definitely a different high.

00:18:32.000 That high that I got was, you know, that East Coast high.

00:18:36.000 It's silly.

00:18:37.000 It's a silly high.

00:18:38.000 You don't like think, we weren't thinking about the universe, but I was very sensitive to this soul situation.

00:18:43.000 You know, it was like, you know, it made me feel like, man, you know, what do black people have, man? 1.00

00:18:49.000 They have fucking Tyler Perry, you know?

00:18:51.000 They have Tyler Perry.

00:18:52.000 That's their mogul.

00:18:52.000 That's the guy who's making a lot of movies.

00:18:54.000 It's these goddamn Maeda movies. 1.00

00:18:56.000 And what else is it?

00:18:57.000 I mean, there's not that many movies.

00:18:59.000 Every three months, they put out an all-black funeral, which was fucking horrendously bad. 0.98

00:19:04.000 It's sad, man.

00:19:05.000 I mean, for every Spike Lee, how many fucking real good, you know, every John Singleton, how many real good representatives for black people are there out there?

00:19:12.000 You know, it's kind of, it was really interesting to be in a black theater.

00:19:16.000 And you had a good fucking time.

00:19:18.000 But you know where I have a good time on Tuesdays?

00:19:18.000 I had a great fucking time.

00:19:20.000 You want to have a good time with black people on Tuesday?

00:19:22.000 And I'm not being fucking prejudiced for funny.

00:19:24.000 I'm just, if you want to see black people in their natural environment, you go to fucking Popeye's Chicken on Tuesdays. 1.00

00:19:30.000 They give you a wing and a breast for 99 cents.

00:19:33.000 And I made the mistake one night.

00:19:34.000 I go, Terry, you want to go?

00:19:35.000 I like Popeye's chicken.

00:19:35.000 I go, you know, you love Popeye's chicken.

00:19:37.000 Spicy?

00:19:37.000 Spicy.

00:19:38.000 We had at the end of that.

00:19:39.000 I went to Popeye's Chicken and it's the one on Laurel Canyon.

00:19:43.000 Like, if you go to Popeye's Chicken on Hollywood and Coenga, it's full of brothers.

00:19:47.000 There ain't nothing you could do.

00:19:49.000 But Laurel Canyon, you're like, there ain't gonna be a brother.

00:19:51.000 I didn't even think about that on the way in.

00:19:52.000 I had been there before on a Sunday.

00:19:54.000 This is a special.

00:19:56.000 It's a wing and a breast for 99 cents.

00:19:58.000 Dog, they come out of the fucking woodwork for this.

00:20:01.000 Packed.

00:20:02.000 You understand me?

00:20:03.000 Around the corner.

00:20:04.000 But the best was I seen a real motherfucking gangster brother.

00:20:07.000 This guy ate 20 pieces of chicken and didn't get off the phone that one fucking time.

00:20:12.000 That's a real bad motherfucking chicken.

00:20:15.000 The only time he got off the phone was to ask the bitch for hot sauce. 1.00

00:20:18.000 And still I sat there and watched the whole thing.

00:20:20.000 Still sucking on the bone.

00:20:22.000 Sucking on them, breaking them in half while he was on the phone telling his bitch how, fuck it, I'm getting my dick sucked. 0.82

00:20:27.000 Another thing that people got mad at me for, for asking, why is it that I keep seeing black dudes talking on speakerphone out loud by themselves?

00:20:36.000 I see it all the time in public.

00:20:38.000 Black dudes holding the phone next to their face, going, yo, what it is? 1.00

00:20:41.000 Uh-huh, okay.

00:20:43.000 And they're talking on the phone when it's not near their face.

00:20:47.000 We talked about this once, but my ex-girlfriend got mad at that. 1.00

00:20:49.000 My ex-girlfriend does that too. 0.95

00:20:50.000 She's black. 0.97

00:20:52.000 Black people add so much flavor.

00:20:55.000 Flavor to this world.

00:20:57.000 If it wasn't for these fucking black people, we'd just be a bunch of cowboys on horses listening to fucking. 1.00

00:21:02.000 Well, think about white people from Utah.

00:21:04.000 One last time.

00:21:05.000 I was so fucking entertaining.

00:21:07.000 I drove my wife this morning at 7 o'clock.

00:21:09.000 She had to go get a blood test or some shit down at Kaiser.

00:21:11.000 On the way back, I cut back through and I went to North Hollywood Park.

00:21:15.000 You ready for this one?

00:21:16.000 This is food for thought.

00:21:17.000 There wasn't a soul in Hollywood Park, North Hollywood Park, but black people teaching karate.

00:21:22.000 North Hollywood Park?

00:21:23.000 Beautiful park.

00:21:24.000 You know, those squirrels will let you feed them.

00:21:25.000 Oh, please.

00:21:26.000 It's a beautiful fucking park.

00:21:27.000 There's a dude, a Chinese dude that sits out there with a bag of squirrels. 0.86

00:21:29.000 How do you know?

00:21:31.000 I've been there, dog.

00:21:31.000 That's a great fucking park.

00:21:32.000 A guy sits out there.

00:21:33.000 I talk dog to him.

00:21:34.000 I talk his language.

00:21:35.000 A guy sits out there.

00:21:36.000 This Chinese guy sits out there with a fucking peanut, and he'll just have a bag of them. 1.00

00:21:40.000 And he lies on his back, and he puts his hands out.

00:21:42.000 The squirrels come up, and they just hang out with that dude.

00:21:44.000 They take the things.

00:21:45.000 Like, they don't even run.

00:21:47.000 They don't even back up before they eat.

00:21:48.000 They eat right there.

00:21:49.000 They just take it right from them.

00:21:50.000 That's a great fucking part.

00:21:51.000 It's one of my favorite parts.

00:21:52.000 It's all around.

00:21:53.000 I'm in there all the way up.

00:21:53.000 And so there's black dudes doing karate out there?

00:21:55.000 They're doing karate sticks, doing forms.

00:21:58.000 No work, no nothing, but they're out there doing motherfucking karate.

00:22:01.000 Only brothers, dog.

00:22:02.000 It's a fact.

00:22:03.000 And you never, you really want this.

00:22:04.000 There's two movies I seen in a black movie theater that was sensational.

00:22:08.000 The one movie was Rambo 2.

00:22:10.000 I told you the other day, but the best movie ever, I seen the one about the black, what's the guy when he comes out?

00:22:16.000 I'm the black show gun of Harlem.

00:22:17.000 Yeah.

00:22:18.000 I seen that in Harlem.

00:22:19.000 Last dragon.

00:22:20.000 The last dragon was entertainment like a motherfucker.

00:22:23.000 I'm sure that's a great movie to see.

00:22:24.000 I think if I ever make enough money, I would just buy a black movie theater for me to just go there and laugh my ass off.

00:22:31.000 Fuck the, and you go over to this fucking, what's this one on Sunset? 0.96

00:22:34.000 The Atrium.

00:22:35.000 What's that one?

00:22:35.000 $90 to go to the movie theater.

00:22:37.000 Darklight.

00:22:38.000 $90 fucking dollars. 0.92

00:22:39.000 What?

00:22:39.000 I went last year.

00:22:40.000 $22 and $4.50 for a sausage sandwich.

00:22:44.000 I just want to see a fucking movie.

00:22:46.000 He eats $90 of the food.

00:22:47.000 I just want to see a fucking movie.

00:22:49.000 I work New Jack City opening night in Columbus, Ohio at one of the scariest movie theaters in Columbus, Ohio.

00:22:54.000 You don't want to go to a...

00:22:56.000 You don't want to go see a gangster.

00:22:57.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:22:58.000 No, but you definitely want to go see a martial arts film.

00:22:58.000 Black neighborhood.

00:23:01.000 A martial arts film or an action film.

00:23:03.000 I had to sit in the back of the theater the whole time and watch that movie because it was like midnight opening night, New Jack City.

00:23:10.000 I'm sitting in the back.

00:23:11.000 I'm a white general manager.

00:23:13.000 All my staff is black. 0.55

00:23:15.000 And so I'm sitting there like, what is this New Jack City movie?

00:23:18.000 I had to watch the whole thing and there was fights.

00:23:20.000 There was one time where this like lady started hitting this other lady and went into like the hallway and I had to like kick him out. 0.98

00:23:26.000 It was one of the most scariest moments of my life working that movie.

00:23:29.000 Wow.

00:23:30.000 And one of the best movies I ever saw too.

00:23:31.000 Bro, one of the best haunted houses I ever went to.

00:23:34.000 We went to Asbury Park for Halloween to a haunted mansion.

00:23:37.000 The city of North Bergen rented buses and they took you to different places and we went down and they had this thing, the Brigantine Castle.

00:23:43.000 I think I told you already.

00:23:45.000 We went in there and you know they got Dracula and Frankenstein or whatever and you walk around.

00:23:50.000 You're supposed to get scared.

00:23:51.000 Bro, we had to be like 10, maybe 12 and a half.

00:23:54.000 And you know, you get a little scared.

00:23:56.000 We didn't smoke dope that or nothing.

00:23:57.000 We were just walking around.

00:23:58.000 But bro, that Dracula bumped into a black dude. 0.84

00:24:04.000 And dog, Dracula, he said, what the fuck do you?

00:24:06.000 And these guys were from East Orange.

00:24:08.000 That was the other town that was there.

00:24:10.000 And this guy looked at me.

00:24:10.000 He's like, what the fuck is wrong with Dracula, motherfucker?

00:24:13.000 They started beating the fuck.

00:24:15.000 They were 12 just like us.

00:24:17.000 You know, we thought we were bad.

00:24:19.000 They started.

00:24:19.000 They beat up Dracula.

00:24:20.000 They were 12.

00:24:21.000 Dracula, dragging them through the gate, kicking them like 16 little black dudes. 1.00

00:24:25.000 I never laughed so hard in my life.

00:24:27.000 They fucked Dracula.

00:24:29.000 By the time I got out, the cops are there.

00:24:31.000 Nobody could cop to it.

00:24:32.000 They had the kids with their hands up against the wall.

00:24:34.000 You don't fuck with it.

00:24:35.000 It takes a broad spectrum of people to make this world interesting, you know, and that is true that if you look at like our culture, first of all, stand-up comedy, you know, besides Lenny Bruce, the number one contributor is black comics.

00:24:47.000 Richard Pryor, you know, in later years, Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy contributed, and Chris Rock.

00:24:54.000 They're real greats.

00:24:56.000 You look at music.

00:24:57.000 There's so much black music, so much black influence on Led Zeppelin, even on fucking Leonard Skynyrd, man. 0.89

00:25:04.000 You know, Leonard Skynyrd, they were influenced by a lot of black blues guys.

00:25:08.000 That fucking song, The Ballad of Curtis Lowe.

00:25:10.000 Great song.

00:25:10.000 Amazing.

00:25:11.000 About a black guy in the South who's teaching them how to play the blues, you know, or playing the blues for him when he was a little kid.

00:25:19.000 Man, it was a fun fucking experience.

00:25:21.000 We had a great goddamn time at that movie theater.

00:25:24.000 It didn't matter there was babies talking. 0.95

00:25:25.000 It didn't matter because that was the experience that we signed up for.

00:25:30.000 And I'll tell you what, man, a lot of the dudes saying shit made the movie better.

00:25:34.000 There was like one scene where the dude goes, oh, he running shit now.

00:25:38.000 And everybody started laughing.

00:25:41.000 And then they started chiming in with their own shit.

00:25:44.000 And the women were talking to each other.

00:25:46.000 Oh, he be like this.

00:25:47.000 Look at that motherfucker. 1.00

00:25:48.000 I'm happy.

00:25:49.000 And it would just back and forth.

00:25:50.000 And it went on for a few seconds as long as everybody thought it was acceptable.

00:25:54.000 And then the movie kept going.

00:25:55.000 But it was, they made the movie louder.

00:25:57.000 The movie was really loud.

00:25:59.000 And I was wondering, like, I wonder if they make it loud because people talk in the movie theater.

00:26:03.000 I wonder because it was loud as fuck.

00:26:05.000 But it's such an action movie that there's not a lot of moments in that movie where there's like, you need quiet, you know?

00:26:12.000 Some movies are good, goddamn movie, man.

00:26:14.000 They did it good.

00:26:15.000 Like, I was wondering, you know, I was like, well, I bet the CGI will be cool, but maybe it'll be corny.

00:26:19.000 Like, I didn't like Cowboys and Aliens.

00:26:22.000 I went to see Cowboys and Aliens, and it was good.

00:26:24.000 It was a good movie.

00:26:25.000 I mean, I didn't hate it, but it was like kind of all over the road.

00:26:28.000 And I'm a huge fan of Jon Favreau, and I thought that Iron Man was fucking awesome.

00:26:32.000 And I just love him anyway.

00:26:33.000 I love him from swingers, and I've met him a couple times, and he's super cool.

00:26:37.000 So I was really looking forward to it.

00:26:39.000 I love a good goddamn alien movie, and I love a good cowboy movie.

00:26:42.000 I'm like, this is going to be perfect.

00:26:44.000 So I was kind of expecting that Planet of the Apes would kind of be like that, sort of.

00:26:48.000 I'm like, it's probably a lot like that level.

00:26:51.000 No way, dude.

00:26:51.000 It was a strong nine.

00:26:53.000 Wow.

00:26:53.000 Strong nine out of 10.

00:26:55.000 The fucking, first of all, you realize how pathetic and fleshy human beings are when you see like, because they had these chimps super realistic, you know, and you think of like a super athlete, like a Ray Lewis, you know, like you think like a Brock Lesnar, like the biggest, strongest, super athlete human. 1.00

00:27:15.000 And you look at what like a 150-pound chimp does in this movie. 0.99

00:27:20.000 Just runs shit, throws things around.

00:27:23.000 Like the way he handles people was so realistic.

00:27:26.000 It was really, it was really fucking well done, man.

00:27:30.000 The CGI, you're watching it, you could still kind of tell that it's not really a chimp, but only in the face, only like the way his face moves, the one that was like real human-like, just a little bit. 0.55

00:27:40.000 I mean, a hair.

00:27:42.000 They're so close.

00:27:43.000 But the gorilla, God damn, the gorilla looks good.

00:27:47.000 There's some scenes where this gorilla shows up, but the gorilla just runs shit.

00:27:51.000 But I don't want to tell you anymore.

00:27:53.000 I can't tell you anything.

00:27:53.000 No spoilers.

00:27:54.000 But just the way they did it.

00:27:57.000 The fucking, the way they're able to have these artificial things interact with what looks like a real physical environment.

00:28:04.000 Like this jimp, this gorilla smashing things.

00:28:07.000 It looks real as fuck, man.

00:28:09.000 It looks real as fuck.

00:28:10.000 But you're getting a gorilla to do some shit you could never get a real gorilla to do.

00:28:14.000 You couldn't get a real gorilla to act exactly the way you want it.

00:28:17.000 But that's what it looks like, man.

00:28:18.000 It's going to be crazy in five years when you rewatch that movie.

00:28:21.000 It's going to look like shit.

00:28:21.000 It looks like shit.

00:28:22.000 Like going to see I Am Legend.

00:28:24.000 That stupid scene where the lions walk out.

00:28:26.000 Like, look at this fake ass lion.

00:28:27.000 It ruins the whole movie for me.

00:28:29.000 Like, I think they shouldn't have had that scene because that lion looks so stupid.

00:28:34.000 Like, I can't believe they accepted that stupid looking fake lion.

00:28:37.000 This is not like that.

00:28:38.000 This is way better than that.

00:28:40.000 This is the next level.

00:28:41.000 This is next level shit.

00:28:42.000 It's a good plot, too.

00:28:44.000 It's well made.

00:28:45.000 It's well-directed.

00:28:46.000 It keeps you fucking captivated.

00:28:48.000 It's a perfect summer movie.

00:28:50.000 Best summer movie.

00:28:51.000 Next to Red State.

00:28:53.000 I went to see Red State last week.

00:28:55.000 I went to, Kevin Smith invited me to go to a screening, and I sat right next to Mark Maron, which is another story.

00:29:01.000 We did.

00:29:02.000 We hugged.

00:29:02.000 We did hug.

00:29:03.000 We made up.

00:29:04.000 We made up.

00:29:05.000 He actually apologized.

00:29:06.000 Because, you know, I talked about him on the podcast.

00:29:08.000 He's so fucking negative.

00:29:09.000 I'm like, why are you so, you know, what the fuck, man?

00:29:11.000 And we went over some shit on the podcast.

00:29:12.000 And he totally copped to it and said, you're right.

00:29:15.000 I'm sorry.

00:29:15.000 I apologize.

00:29:16.000 And we were cool, like right away.

00:29:18.000 He looked really happy, too.

00:29:20.000 He's with this really pretty girl.

00:29:21.000 He's got his girlfriend.

00:29:22.000 Girl's real pretty. 0.99

00:29:23.000 He's doing real good now.

00:29:24.000 He just got back from Chicago.

00:29:25.000 He's telling me he sold out these shows.

00:29:26.000 So he felt like real good.

00:29:28.000 So he felt good.

00:29:28.000 He looked good.

00:29:29.000 And, you know, it's like people just need some success.

00:29:32.000 They just need some happiness in their life.

00:29:33.000 You know, now he's got a girlfriend and she's really pretty and she seemed really nice.

00:29:37.000 And obviously they love each other together, all nice.

00:29:40.000 So it's like, good, good.

00:29:41.000 Love.

00:29:42.000 So you got some love now.

00:29:43.000 And now you're willing to give the love back.

00:29:44.000 Yeah.

00:29:45.000 Terrific.

00:29:46.000 Anyway, Red State is fucking badass.

00:29:50.000 Kevin Smith made this movie, right?

00:29:51.000 He didn't tell me shit about it.

00:29:52.000 He said, dude, I really want you to see this.

00:29:54.000 I know you'll dig it.

00:29:55.000 Okay.

00:29:56.000 He's a real nice guy.

00:29:58.000 He's doing the podcast next week.

00:29:59.000 Super nice guy.

00:30:00.000 I did his podcast.

00:30:02.000 I've met him before.

00:30:02.000 I love the guy.

00:30:04.000 I love him.

00:30:05.000 His movies that I've seen, they're always these silly comedies, you know?

00:30:09.000 So I'm expecting I'm going to go see a Kevin Smith movie.

00:30:12.000 It's going to be a silly comedy.

00:30:14.000 We get there.

00:30:15.000 It is this apocalyptic cult, this cult that believes that Jesus is coming.

00:30:24.000 And that's what the movie's all about and how they interact with a bunch of people.

00:30:28.000 I don't want to tell you anymore about it, but it's about this religious fanatic.

00:30:32.000 It's basically a horror movie.

00:30:34.000 You know, it seems like it's kind of like an action movie, but it's really like a horror movie.

00:30:38.000 And goddamn is it good.

00:30:40.000 I mean, it is one of the best movies I've seen in fucking years.

00:30:44.000 Better even than Planet of the Apes.

00:30:45.000 As good as I said Planet of the Apes was, Red State is slightly better. 0.97

00:30:49.000 It's good.

00:30:50.000 Steven Rood is in it.

00:30:51.000 Steven Root is fucking badass in this movie, man.

00:30:55.000 And the dude who plays the guy.

00:31:01.000 I don't know what the fuck is his name.

00:31:03.000 The dude who plays the guy who plays the John Goodman's in it, too.

00:31:09.000 I don't know who the other guy is.

00:31:10.000 Is there a point in the movie where John Goodman goes, Snoochie Bucci's? 0.94

00:31:14.000 No.

00:31:14.000 Michael Parks, that's the guy's name, who plays the bad guy.

00:31:20.000 Fuck is this guy good?

00:31:22.000 I mean, he's a guy who's been around a long ass time.

00:31:26.000 Apparently he's got some crazy ass stories about dudes trying to kill him.

00:31:31.000 John Hurt.

00:31:32.000 Was that guy's name?

00:31:33.000 Another guy's name?

00:31:34.000 Kevin Smith was telling me.

00:31:35.000 He's like, I got to tell you the whole story later.

00:31:36.000 But this guy is a famous actor, like literally tried to kill this dude twice.

00:31:41.000 But this guy plays the, he plays the preacher in this movie.

00:31:45.000 God damn, it's good.

00:31:47.000 John Goodman's in it.

00:31:48.000 God damn, is he good?

00:31:49.000 There's no soundtrack to this movie.

00:31:52.000 So during the movie, what I loved about it, one of the things I love, I hate when a movie gives me, I mean, I loved Planet of the Apes.

00:31:59.000 It's a well-packaged, entertaining vehicle.

00:31:59.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:32:03.000 It's good.

00:32:04.000 But I don't like when a movie plays me some fucking music and tells me how I'm supposed to think.

00:32:08.000 I don't, that's, that's retarded to me. 1.00

00:32:11.000 I've never enjoyed it.

00:32:13.000 I'll tolerate it, you know, but I always feel relieved when a movie doesn't have any music.

00:32:18.000 You know, I don't need like the, they start kissing and fucking violins play. 1.00

00:32:22.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:32:24.000 Well, obviously there's good examples and bad examples, but there's definitely some movies that the soundtrack is 90% of the movie.

00:32:30.000 I disagree.

00:32:31.000 I don't like it.

00:32:32.000 I don't mind it.

00:32:33.000 Well, that's different, man.

00:32:35.000 You're talking about like some music with songs and singing and shit.

00:32:38.000 I like the music, but it must have tuned through the time.

00:32:41.000 When I hear Led Zeppelin, House of the Holy, I know it's 74.

00:32:45.000 I don't mind, but I don't like what you're saying.

00:32:46.000 Yeah.

00:32:47.000 When you hear music, two people listening and them telling you.

00:32:50.000 Set me up in the time period.

00:32:50.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:32:52.000 That's what I meant to say.

00:32:54.000 I said it wrong because it's not that I don't like soundtracks because I do in Goodfellas.

00:32:59.000 I like it when it's done the right way.

00:33:01.000 Well, that's what I'm saying.

00:33:02.000 It sets it up as a time period.

00:33:04.000 Boogie nights.

00:33:05.000 I don't mind that.

00:33:05.000 Yeah, boogie nice.

00:33:06.000 Like, remember when the Rolling Stones are playing and he's coked up and he's got a bag full of guns in the trunk and he's dried around?

00:33:13.000 I'm your dad.

00:33:15.000 Yeah, like that's in that movie it works.

00:33:17.000 What I mean more is the werewolf is running through the woods and you hear the orchestra pup pup pup.

00:33:23.000 Exactly.

00:33:25.000 Get the fuck out of here with that stupid shit. 0.98

00:33:27.000 That drives me nuts.

00:33:29.000 There's no music in this movie, man.

00:33:31.000 This movie is brilliant.

00:33:34.000 And Kevin Smith describes it as his talking dog movie.

00:33:37.000 He's like, because if a dog started talking, you'd be like, what the fuck?

00:33:40.000 And he goes, that's exactly what this movie's like.

00:33:41.000 You don't expect it from Kevin Smith.

00:33:43.000 Did you see an early cut of it that they did?

00:33:45.000 No, it's done, dude.

00:33:46.000 It's done.

00:33:47.000 No, it's done.

00:33:48.000 The movie's done.

00:33:49.000 Kevin did it all himself.

00:33:50.000 He's going to release it all himself.

00:33:51.000 He did it all himself.

00:33:53.000 No one had any involvement in it.

00:33:54.000 And that's the brilliance of this movie.

00:33:57.000 He didn't, you know, he was going to do a mass release of it, but I guess it was just too expensive.

00:34:03.000 So he's going to release it in a limited way just so that it's eligible for the Oscars.

00:34:08.000 And then they're going to do it video on demand, I think, in September.

00:34:12.000 And, you know, you can get it on DVD and all that shit.

00:34:14.000 Here's the really weird thing, Joe Rogan.

00:34:15.000 I'm sorry.

00:34:16.000 Here's the really weird thing, Joe Rogan, that you mentioned that I have to stick up for the 70s timepiece, though.

00:34:22.000 When we watch a movie, and it's from the 70s now, it's unbearable to watch.

00:34:26.000 But if you really think about it.

00:34:27.000 Not always, though.

00:34:28.000 Except for The Godfather.

00:34:30.000 There's a bunch of movies that are still good.

00:34:31.000 Like Hard Times You Could Watch, maybe, if it's not 11 o'clock.

00:34:35.000 You ever see Friends of Eddie Coyle?

00:34:36.000 Tremendous fucking movie.

00:34:37.000 Tremendous movie.

00:34:38.000 Tremendous fucking movie.

00:34:39.000 I got turned on that by Anthony Bourdain.

00:34:42.000 No reservations.

00:34:43.000 If I told you about it, you wouldn't.

00:34:45.000 That's a badass movie.

00:34:46.000 I just went to see it at the fucking movie theater.

00:34:49.000 I just went about a month ago.

00:34:51.000 They had it for five bucks.

00:34:52.000 At that movie, I always go.

00:34:54.000 The dog all bets are off with me.

00:34:55.000 Where is this place?

00:34:56.000 The place in Beverly.

00:34:57.000 Yeah, Beverly.

00:34:58.000 Beverly.

00:34:59.000 I go there.

00:34:59.000 When you can't find me, I'm at the Beverly for five bucks, bro.

00:35:02.000 I ain't got time to waste with people no more.

00:35:04.000 I go to all those movies.

00:35:06.000 I want to see them on the big screen.

00:35:07.000 The friends of Eddie Coyle, look at the cast in there.

00:35:09.000 Great.

00:35:10.000 Death man.

00:35:10.000 Deck.

00:35:11.000 What's the name of the star in that, bro?

00:35:13.000 How bad is he?

00:35:13.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:14.000 What's his name?

00:35:15.000 What's Freddie?

00:35:16.000 Eddie Coyle's name.

00:35:17.000 That guy, to me, he reminds me, for some reason, he reminds me like a Brock Lesnar.

00:35:22.000 But the way he talks to people, bro, the way he would talk to people.

00:35:25.000 Robert Mitchum.

00:35:26.000 The fucking size of his hands.

00:35:27.000 Have you seen the size of that?

00:35:28.000 That's a big dude.

00:35:29.000 That's a big motherfucking country bumpkin there.

00:35:32.000 But you want me to tell you something about the 70s?

00:35:34.000 Tell me something about the 70s.

00:35:35.000 No better movies came out than in the 70s.

00:35:38.000 Really?

00:35:39.000 Let's get down.

00:35:40.000 Every Which Way But Loose?

00:35:41.000 Let's just talk about The Exorcist.

00:35:41.000 No.

00:35:43.000 Godfather.

00:35:44.000 Let's just talk about the Planet of the Apes.

00:35:46.000 Because, bro, let's get down.

00:35:48.000 The first, I came from Cuba.

00:35:49.000 Rocky.

00:35:50.000 Rocky.

00:35:50.000 I came, what?

00:35:51.000 Rocky.

00:35:51.000 I came from Cuba.

00:35:52.000 And the first movie, one of the first movies I went to see was Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

00:35:57.000 At the time, I lived on 88th Street and Broadway.

00:36:00.000 Fuck all these motherfuckers. 0.99

00:36:02.000 If you look at Beneath the Planet of the Apes, they were under the subway systems.

00:36:05.000 Really?

00:36:06.000 in New York City.

00:36:09.000 You're not going to sell me the Planet of the Apes unless you start from scratch.

00:36:11.000 I don't have to sell it to you.

00:36:12.000 It's fucking awesome.

00:36:13.000 You don't remember the part where you can torture yourself by not going to see it.

00:36:16.000 No, I'm going to go see it.

00:36:17.000 But what I'm trying to say to you is you have to watch that again.

00:36:20.000 I've seen it.

00:36:20.000 I just haven't seen it in years.

00:36:21.000 Yeah, you got to check yourself.

00:36:22.000 That's all I'm saying.

00:36:23.000 That's 70, 1970.

00:36:24.000 When they ripped their fucking mask off, I came home and I remember telling my mom, mom, these apes live under the fucking subways. 0.99

00:36:31.000 Like, they sold me on it.

00:36:32.000 It's all through New York.

00:36:33.000 Remember they're by the Statue of Liberty?

00:36:35.000 Remember that shot that they did?

00:36:37.000 Fuck CGI. 0.60

00:36:38.000 Fuck CGI. 0.60

00:36:39.000 They did the Statue of Liberty, bent over, and then what's the blonde guy? 0.98

00:36:43.000 Remember the first one with the girl?

00:36:45.000 Come on, guy.

00:36:46.000 What's the first hot girl that couldn't even fucking talk? 1.00

00:36:50.000 And he was running.

00:36:51.000 It wasn't Jane Fonda.

00:36:52.000 No.

00:36:52.000 No, they weren't.

00:36:53.000 The first one would have fucking killed her. 1.00

00:36:55.000 It was 1970.

00:36:56.000 Everybody's mad over Vietnam still.

00:36:58.000 The first two Planet of the Apes.

00:36:59.000 Raquel Welsh?

00:37:00.000 No, baby.

00:37:01.000 I don't think so.

00:37:02.000 If it was Raquel Welsh, we wouldn't be here right now.

00:37:04.000 The first two.

00:37:05.000 Brian, why wouldn't we be here right now?

00:37:08.000 Everybody would have been jerking off to deaths.

00:37:09.000 1968.

00:37:10.000 Who was the original chicken that couldn't talk?

00:37:14.000 Kim Hunter?

00:37:15.000 Bro, I don't know who it was, but next time you get a minute, just watch the first two again.

00:37:19.000 Get really.

00:37:20.000 You don't even need to give away.

00:37:21.000 You ever see that movie, Return to the Valley of the Dolls?

00:37:24.000 Yes.

00:37:25.000 What the fuck is wrong with that movie?

00:37:26.000 Is that Jane Fonda?

00:37:28.000 Was that?

00:37:28.000 No, it wasn't Jane Fonda.

00:37:30.000 It was written by Roger Ebert.

00:37:31.000 Ebert, yes.

00:37:32.000 It's a weird fucking movie.

00:37:33.000 I sat there and seriously tried to follow that movie.

00:37:36.000 That makes zero sense.

00:37:37.000 Kim Hunter was one of the monkeys.

00:37:39.000 It's Linda Harrison.

00:37:40.000 She's the badass bitch. 1.00

00:37:42.000 Oh, goddamn, is she hot? 1.00

00:37:43.000 Yeah, she is with Charlie Heston.

00:37:44.000 You gotta watch the first two, bro.

00:37:46.000 Charlie Heston is a bad motherfucker, too.

00:37:46.000 I'm sorry, God.

00:37:48.000 And he's like 50.

00:37:50.000 Did you know Robert Ebert wrote a movie?

00:37:52.000 And it's one of those stories in the whole entire movie.

00:37:55.000 He's a critical.

00:37:55.000 Of course it is.

00:37:56.000 Of course it is.

00:37:57.000 And that's why he's a critic.

00:37:58.000 Listen, I've always said this.

00:37:59.000 I've met some good critics.

00:38:00.000 I've met some cool people who are fans of movies.

00:38:03.000 And there's no hard, fast rule to anything.

00:38:06.000 There's a lot of people like Doug Benson might as well be a critic.

00:38:09.000 He's a huge movie butt.

00:38:10.000 He's still a very good comic, but he's a huge movie butt.

00:38:14.000 He might as well be a critic.

00:38:15.000 But most critics are critics because they got nothing to contribute.

00:38:18.000 That's why.

00:38:18.000 They don't want to be critics.

00:38:19.000 They really want to.

00:38:20.000 They want to be writers.

00:38:21.000 They want to be screenwriters.

00:38:22.000 They want to be authors.

00:38:23.000 They don't have anything to say.

00:38:24.000 I don't believe critics anyway.

00:38:26.000 Sometimes they're wrong.

00:38:27.000 I swear to God, I thought I saw Doug Benson said that he hated the New Planet Apes movie.

00:38:31.000 Did he?

00:38:32.000 Yeah, he made fun of the CGI and everything.

00:38:37.000 All those 70s movies, all those Clint Eastwood movies, all those Charles Bronson movies that we're stealing from today that we're remaking.

00:38:45.000 All those Westerns.

00:38:46.000 All those Westerns were in the 70s.

00:38:47.000 So the timepiece was fucking brilliant.

00:38:50.000 The thinking was brilliant.

00:38:52.000 It's not these Momos now that are just remaking shit, though.

00:38:54.000 What is the Clint Eastwood movie where he plays a ghost who comes back to town and fucks everybody up?

00:39:00.000 He puts the shield on at the end and they have to shoot the body because the people don't shoot the head.

00:39:04.000 So every time they'd shoot the body, he'd fall down and get back up.

00:39:08.000 Yeah, that's the one.

00:39:08.000 No.

00:39:09.000 He's a Western.

00:39:10.000 So they think he's dead.

00:39:10.000 Yeah.

00:39:12.000 no, no, no, no.

00:39:12.000 No, he was dead.

00:39:13.000 He came back to town to kill everybody.

00:39:15.000 Oh my God.

00:39:16.000 Which one is that?

00:39:17.000 He came back to town to kill the whole town.

00:39:18.000 They whipped him to death.

00:39:20.000 And he came back and he was raping bitches, dude. 1.00

00:39:23.000 He raped this one chick. 1.00

00:39:24.000 It's really kind of crazy.

00:39:26.000 Like, the way they show it, it was real, super realistic.

00:39:28.000 So he raped a bitch in every movie. 1.00

00:39:30.000 He always told him what time it was.

00:39:31.000 He raped her and he like, he only fucked her for like four pumps. 1.00

00:39:36.000 And I watched it with my friend John once, my friend John in New York.

00:39:41.000 And he goes, see, that's how we're supposed to fuck.

00:39:44.000 We're not supposed to fuck a girl for an hour and make her come. 1.00

00:39:47.000 You're supposed to just fuck four times and shoot your logo because that's what feels good.

00:39:52.000 And I was like, whoa, how crazy are you, dude?

00:39:55.000 It's not Doug Benson.

00:39:56.000 It's some other comic.

00:39:57.000 And I was really surprised because he was the only person I saw that didn't like that movie.

00:40:00.000 Everyone else knocked.

00:40:02.000 High Planes Drifter.

00:40:03.000 That's a bad motherfucker right there, too.

00:40:05.000 That's what it is.

00:40:06.000 That's the one when they whip him.

00:40:07.000 You're right.

00:40:08.000 You're absolutely right.

00:40:09.000 Bro, you know, I got so many of those classics in my head.

00:40:11.000 No, it's not it.

00:40:12.000 That's not it.

00:40:13.000 High Planes Drifter is another one.

00:40:15.000 God damn it.

00:40:16.000 What the fuck is the movie?

00:40:18.000 It's driving me nuts.

00:40:19.000 I need Rick Ramos here.

00:40:20.000 I can't.

00:40:20.000 Is Rick Ramos a master of Kuni Swift?

00:40:23.000 Really?

00:40:24.000 So one of our Twitter people would let us know.

00:40:27.000 There's four.

00:40:27.000 The good, the bad, the ugly, for a few dollars more, fist full of dollars, and High Planes Drifter.

00:40:32.000 It's got to be one of those movies.

00:40:34.000 Maybe it is High Planes Drifter.

00:40:35.000 It is High Planes Drifter. 0.97

00:40:36.000 What's the one when he paints the town red?

00:40:38.000 Paint the town white.

00:40:39.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:40:39.000 The Paint the Town Red.

00:40:40.000 When was the last time somebody painted a town red in the last 20 years that you've seen a movie?

00:40:44.000 Nobody.

00:40:45.000 That was the most original idea ever.

00:40:48.000 Paint this fucking.

00:40:49.000 And what do we call the town to hell?

00:40:51.000 Yeah, this isn't the movie because in this one it says a stranger rides out of the hot desert into a small town in the wild west.

00:40:58.000 The townspeople are scared of him and three gunmen try unsuccessfully to kill him.

00:41:02.000 He takes a room and decides, oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

00:41:06.000 Yeah, this is a weird end to a summary.

00:41:09.000 Then they kill him in one.

00:41:10.000 They don't kill him in one.

00:41:12.000 Well, they shoot him.

00:41:13.000 And the people that shot him only shoot the body.

00:41:15.000 They don't shoot the head.

00:41:16.000 Is it hang him high?

00:41:17.000 So he fucking gets a shield and he builds a shield and he puts it on his chest.

00:41:21.000 And then when he approaches the people, they would shoot at him.

00:41:24.000 But he was confusing movies.

00:41:26.000 Yeah, we're confusing all of them.

00:41:27.000 We're confusing movies.

00:41:29.000 All I gotta do is go home and put them on tonight.

00:41:31.000 I got them all on my D. I have a great movie for you guys both to watch.

00:41:34.000 It's a documentary of Tiffany stalkers.

00:41:38.000 It's called I Think We Are Alone Now.

00:41:38.000 Have you heard of it?

00:41:41.000 And it follows two guys that are stock stalkers of Tiffany.

00:41:45.000 Current stalker?

00:41:46.000 Current stalkers.

00:41:47.000 And one of them was a stalker like 20 years ago or 15 years ago when she was really young and stuff.

00:41:54.000 And one guy is a transsexual or transgender guy that's going through becoming a woman.

00:42:00.000 And the other guy, they both have Asperger's disease or whatever it's called.

00:42:05.000 Which is like in the autism spectrum.

00:42:06.000 Is that what that is?

00:42:07.000 Yeah, it's like their type of autism.

00:42:08.000 They're super, super smart, but they can't shut up about it.

00:42:12.000 You know, like they can't stop talking about it and obsessing about whatever it is.

00:42:16.000 So they're on Coke.

00:42:17.000 Smart people on Coke.

00:42:18.000 Smart people on Coke.

00:42:19.000 But it is so interesting.

00:42:20.000 And the fact that they're both their backup, like they were both like, oh yeah, I would never be able to marry her.

00:42:26.000 But Alyssa Milano, on the other hand, and both of them had like a backup, Alyssa Milano. 0.99

00:42:31.000 Yeah, and it's so weird.

00:42:31.000 What?

00:42:32.000 It's on Netflix streaming.

00:42:34.000 So they all love Tiffany, but they couldn't marry her, but they can marry Alyssa Milano.

00:42:37.000 Alyssa Milano is their more realistic girl that they both were obsessed about.

00:42:42.000 It's weird.

00:42:42.000 More realistic.

00:42:43.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:42:44.000 Than Tiffany.

00:42:44.000 Yeah.

00:42:45.000 Why is she more realistic?

00:42:46.000 Because Tiffany's married now or something, and they went through.

00:42:48.000 So is Alyssa Milano?

00:42:49.000 I have no idea.

00:42:50.000 She made it a long time ago.

00:42:51.000 Yeah, well, I don't know.

00:42:52.000 But it's good.

00:42:53.000 So it's called very creepy and very fun to watch.

00:42:56.000 It's called I Think We're Alone Now.

00:42:58.000 And then after it was over, there's another movie all about Dolly Parton stalkers.

00:42:58.000 Jesus Christ.

00:43:03.000 I forget the name of it, but there's five Dolly Parton stalkers. 0.99

00:43:06.000 And I watched that too.

00:43:07.000 And it's also good.

00:43:09.000 It's about Tiffany.

00:43:10.000 The other one's about Dolly Parton, too.

00:43:12.000 High Plains Drifter is the movie.

00:43:14.000 That is the movie.

00:43:14.000 He comes back as a ghost and he kills everybody.

00:43:16.000 They killed him.

00:43:17.000 They whipped him to death.

00:43:18.000 Best movies are made in the 70s of all time.

00:43:20.000 Can't even fuck with it.

00:43:22.000 Warriors, fucking, you can't even fuck with it.

00:43:26.000 The list goes on.

00:43:27.000 Can't even fuck with it.

00:43:28.000 Fuck box office.

00:43:30.000 I'm talking about creativity.

00:43:31.000 Yeah, there's a lot of talent ones.

00:43:32.000 You know, the getaway with McQueen was out.

00:43:34.000 All the Charles Bronson great ones were done in the 70s.

00:43:37.000 All those movies were original.

00:43:38.000 These dumb fucks today are just remaking shit. 1.00

00:43:41.000 And these Momos with their fucking things are going to see it. 1.00

00:43:44.000 I wouldn't go fucking see that shit.

00:43:46.000 I wouldn't go see none of that shit, Doug.

00:43:47.000 I don't go see none of that shit.

00:43:48.000 What shit?

00:43:49.000 Any of these movies that come out?

00:43:50.000 Nothing.

00:43:51.000 Nothing.

00:43:52.000 I'm going to go see Planet of the Apes because I'm a Planet of the Apes guy since 1970.

00:43:55.000 I'm going to go give it a chance.

00:43:56.000 But besides that, all these movies I wipe my ass with, Doug.

00:43:59.000 All of them.

00:44:00.000 Well, I think something that was going on in the 70s, the same was going on with music.

00:44:04.000 You know, I've been on this Leonard Skinner kick for the last month.

00:44:07.000 I listened to Leonard Skinner like almost every Skydiver.

00:44:09.000 I got him in my CD right now.

00:44:11.000 Almost every day.

00:44:12.000 Since I bought that CD, I've been calling me the breeze.

00:44:16.000 It's brilliant.

00:44:17.000 Let's keep it rolling.

00:44:18.000 It's brilliant.

00:44:19.000 And the story of what they done is.

00:44:20.000 Dude, it's good, dude.

00:44:21.000 Don't ever mock Leonard Skinner, you fuck.

00:44:25.000 Music today is garbage.

00:44:27.000 That's what it is.

00:44:27.000 It wasn't.

00:44:28.000 The fucking music today is so fucking bad.

00:44:32.000 Except for the fucking Black Keys and fucking the Foo Fighters.

00:44:35.000 And everybody else could suck my dick because it's garbage. 0.96

00:44:40.000 It all sounds the same.

00:44:41.000 Fucking Black Keys.

00:44:42.000 Throw that on.

00:44:43.000 They got a video of them.

00:44:44.000 Two motherfuckers playing in Tennessee at a fucking record store.

00:44:48.000 Go ahead, put it on.

00:44:49.000 A guitar player and a fucking drum.

00:44:51.000 That's talent.

00:44:52.000 The Foo Fighters.

00:44:53.000 Everything else, all these kids sent me these videos.

00:44:55.000 Like, look at these guys redoing Black Sabbath.

00:44:58.000 You can't redo Black Sabbath, bitch. 1.00

00:45:01.000 Can't redo Black Sabbath.

00:45:02.000 They're Oasis, dude.

00:45:03.000 Oasis can suck my dick, dog. 0.94

00:45:05.000 They ain't the fucking music.

00:45:07.000 They can't.

00:45:07.000 Oasis?

00:45:08.000 We did Black Sabbath?

00:45:09.000 Whatever the fuck it is.

00:45:11.000 They can't touch what's going on what we grew up with.

00:45:14.000 It's garbage, bro.

00:45:15.000 What the Black Keys are is real musicians.

00:45:17.000 That's what they are.

00:45:17.000 Real musicians.

00:45:19.000 Right now, the music industry is dying, and they can blame it all they want.

00:45:22.000 Nobody wants to go see these people live.

00:45:24.000 Can you imagine going?

00:45:25.000 I love Rihanna, but it's 45 minutes of deadtime if you go see Rihanna.

00:45:29.000 But please don't stop the Music and the other song, you're just standing there watching somebody sing over fucking music. 0.91

00:45:34.000 There's no instruments on stage, and that's half of these fucking shows.

00:45:37.000 Well, it's also a recession, man.

00:45:39.000 It's hard to sell tickets for anything.

00:45:41.000 Music is music.

00:45:42.000 When the Eagles played last year for $350, Place was sold, they did it three nights.

00:45:46.000 Fuck the recession.

00:45:47.000 Music is music.

00:45:49.000 That's why all these old-timers are coming back because the new kids can't perform live.

00:45:54.000 Go look at your schedules.

00:45:54.000 Really?

00:45:56.000 Everybody's back.

00:45:57.000 Even Steve Miller, his grandson came back.

00:46:00.000 See, you could go on stage and say you're Steve Miller, and no one would know the difference.

00:46:04.000 Nobody knows what Steve Miller was.

00:46:05.000 I could fly like an eagle, bro.

00:46:07.000 Oh, it's genius.

00:46:08.000 Jungle love.

00:46:09.000 Jungle love.

00:46:11.000 Stop driving me, man. 0.91

00:46:12.000 Listen to the funk that motherfucking Steve Miller had.

00:46:16.000 What?

00:46:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:18.000 What?

00:46:19.000 Tick tock together.

00:46:20.000 Don't make me play that no more.

00:46:22.000 Yeah, he was genius, man.

00:46:23.000 Steve Miller is the only guy who made it famous, made huge hits, and he just never got a fucking picture taken of him.

00:46:30.000 Why would you?

00:46:32.000 I know there's pictures of him, but you know what Mick Jagger looks like, man.

00:46:35.000 It's unmistakable.

00:46:36.000 Mick Jagger walks into a restaurant.

00:46:38.000 You fucking go, oh shit, Mick Jagger's here.

00:46:40.000 Steve Miller can go to Target in his underwear, and no one knows.

00:46:44.000 That's true, right?

00:46:45.000 That's weird.

00:46:46.000 What the fuck was going on in the 70s that led to this big creative explosion?

00:46:51.000 I mean, the 60s and the 70s.

00:46:53.000 Reefer and good acid and no bullshit.

00:46:55.000 You had to bring it.

00:46:56.000 Great food.

00:46:57.000 What are you eating?

00:46:58.000 What are you doing?

00:46:59.000 Whatever the fuck they are.

00:47:00.000 What?

00:47:01.000 Your candies.

00:47:02.000 You're eating cough drops.

00:47:03.000 Those are laxatives.

00:47:04.000 Those are cough drops.

00:47:05.000 Eating with a mouthful of cough drops.

00:47:08.000 The acid was pure.

00:47:10.000 The people were pure.

00:47:11.000 They had less time to fucking take up their mind.

00:47:14.000 Today we have all this garbage to take up our mind.

00:47:16.000 The creativity was more.

00:47:18.000 Listen to, and everybody was great.

00:47:19.000 From Jimi Hendrix, listen to the shit Jimi Hendrix put out.

00:47:22.000 Listen to the cutting edge shit fucking that Leonard Skinnett put out.

00:47:26.000 That was cutting edge.

00:47:28.000 Let's get down to basics here.

00:47:28.000 Let's face it.

00:47:30.000 They were fucking rednecks guy. 1.00

00:47:31.000 Yeah, from Florida.

00:47:32.000 Yeah, you want to listen to some other rednecks? 1.00

00:47:34.000 Put the Allman brothers on.

00:47:35.000 Put all those bands on.

00:47:36.000 These guys had nothing to lose.

00:47:38.000 They had nothing to lose, bro.

00:47:39.000 Joey, you know what you need to do?

00:47:40.000 You need to do an info commercial for one of those CDs, like the songs of the 70s.

00:47:44.000 Fuck you.

00:47:44.000 You know what you need to listen to?

00:47:46.000 You need to listen.

00:47:46.000 It's hands down.

00:47:47.000 It's hands down.

00:47:48.000 It doesn't even compare.

00:47:49.000 You can't even compare.

00:47:51.000 You haven't heard.

00:47:52.000 It's garbage.

00:47:53.000 You haven't heard what?

00:47:54.000 Lady Yanko.

00:47:55.000 Garbage.

00:47:57.000 It's one song, two albums, three albums.

00:47:59.000 They can't cut the spread, bro.

00:48:01.000 Look at the Who, 90 fucking albums.

00:48:01.000 They can't do it.

00:48:03.000 Led Zeppelin, 10 albums.

00:48:05.000 Pink Floyd put out four albums in a row that most bands could never even release.

00:48:09.000 Fuck Piper and the Gates of Dawn and all that noise. 0.99

00:48:12.000 What is that?

00:48:12.000 Just the war.

00:48:13.000 That's their first album.

00:48:14.000 It's just freaky things.

00:48:15.000 People hitting cowbells and shit for acid heads.

00:48:18.000 And people come up to you.

00:48:19.000 That shit was great.

00:48:20.000 Listen, go hit yourself in the head with a fucking ham. 0.97

00:48:22.000 It wasn't good.

00:48:23.000 But bro.

00:48:24.000 Metal, Dark Side of the Moon, Animals, The War.

00:48:24.000 Dark Side of the Moon.

00:48:28.000 Yeah.

00:48:29.000 It's something that no band has ever come out with five albums in a row like that.

00:48:32.000 How beautiful is Dark Side of the Moon, too, where every song flows into the next?

00:48:35.000 Flows and it's one insane.

00:48:38.000 To do acid to that is the prettiest thing in the world because Pink Floyd did something that nobody else did.

00:48:44.000 They tap into your soul when you do acid.

00:48:47.000 If you listen to all their music, it always has the boom boom.

00:48:53.000 I got molested to comfortably numb.

00:48:55.000 Really?

00:48:56.000 Yeah, by this 21-year-old girl who lived up the street.

00:48:58.000 You got molested by a girl also?

00:48:59.000 I was 13.

00:49:00.000 She was 21.

00:49:01.000 She was a town slut. 1.00

00:49:02.000 She molested everybody. 0.89

00:49:04.000 She didn't do much. 0.83

00:49:04.000 Just kind of grabbed my dick and I was an age. 0.83

00:49:06.000 But it was like, whoa.

00:49:08.000 But it was crazy because she had like a, I think I've told a story before.

00:49:10.000 She had a grown man who was a boyfriend.

00:49:12.000 He had hair on his chest and shit.

00:49:14.000 I was a little boy.

00:49:15.000 But this girl was all kinds of fucked up. 0.98

00:49:15.000 I was 13. 0.98

00:49:18.000 But she turned me on to a lot of 70s music, man.

00:49:21.000 This crazy bitch was into, she was into Zeppelin. 1.00

00:49:23.000 She turned me on to Black Dog. 0.89

00:49:25.000 And she turned me on to Comfortably Numb.

00:49:29.000 Nothing like Pink Floyd for the acid shit.

00:49:31.000 They were genius.

00:49:31.000 And that's what it was.

00:49:32.000 Everything that everybody talked about, all these people that wrote books on acid, they did it through music, which everybody could suck my dick. 0.72

00:49:38.000 That's why I listened to nobody would talk about drugs and psychotic.

00:49:41.000 There's a great story about Roger Waters in Rolling Stone that I read.

00:49:46.000 He was on the cover because, you know, he's making a comeback.

00:49:48.000 Yo, fuck that. 0.88

00:49:48.000 They're back, dog. 0.88

00:49:49.000 And watch what happens next year.

00:49:50.000 See if there's a recession for them.

00:49:53.000 If they charge $350 without David Gilmore, that's going to be a $500 ticket for Gilmore.

00:49:59.000 Let's see if there's a recession for them.

00:50:01.000 Let's see about the record sales or the recession.

00:50:04.000 There's no recession for good fucking.

00:50:04.000 Big God!

00:50:06.000 That's 30 years.

00:50:07.000 The war was a masterpiece 30 fucking one years ago. 0.99

00:50:11.000 It's like doing your act 31 years and never writing a joke.

00:50:14.000 Well, they hit a high that is almost like a level of perfection.

00:50:18.000 Perfection.

00:50:19.000 Like that song, Time.

00:50:20.000 Perfection.

00:50:21.000 I was just on my way up here.

00:50:21.000 Shit.

00:50:23.000 Taken away.

00:50:24.000 And just the animals concept.

00:50:25.000 That's the makeup of it.

00:50:26.000 The animals' concept is about the world.

00:50:29.000 It's about the four people living in the world.

00:50:31.000 Sheep, pigs, and fucking dogs.

00:50:33.000 That's it.

00:50:34.000 Sheep.

00:50:34.000 That's what we are.

00:50:35.000 The pigs are the politician, and the dogs are the motherfucker that sling dick. 1.00

00:50:38.000 The rest of them are fucking sheep.

00:50:40.000 And they got three types of sheep.

00:50:41.000 And that's what the album is about.

00:50:44.000 It's three types of sheep for fucking sheep, people who think everything's cool.

00:50:48.000 And oh, Lou Reed.

00:50:49.000 Three types of sheep.

00:50:50.000 Lou Reed.

00:50:51.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:50:51.000 You don't like Lou Reed?

00:50:52.000 One of these he's done.

00:50:53.000 Oh, he did that Walk in the Wild side.

00:50:55.000 35 fucking years ago. 0.92

00:50:56.000 You know what Lou Reed is good for?

00:50:57.000 Pretending you're cool.

00:50:59.000 If you like Lou Reed, if you're cool.

00:51:00.000 Lou Reed and Inga Roffalo, you know, they're all the same cousins.

00:51:05.000 Yeah, he lives in the East Village, man.

00:51:07.000 Walks around with a leather jacket on.

00:51:08.000 Yeah, he's got a leather jacket and smokes camels.

00:51:11.000 He doesn't even use filters.

00:51:12.000 30 fucking years ago was. 0.94

00:51:14.000 I'll tell you what, that one song is Walk on the Wild Sides of Bad.

00:51:16.000 You know what?

00:51:16.000 It was great.

00:51:17.000 But tomorrow, when I leave here tonight, I want you to go on your YouTube and just press Lou Reed.

00:51:21.000 No reason.

00:51:22.000 And I want you to hit three songs from Lou Reed and call me.

00:51:25.000 Somebody tried to convince me that Iggy Pop was really good.

00:51:28.000 He's like, you got to listen to Iggy Pop is with the Stooges.

00:51:30.000 And he plays, he sends me this link.

00:51:32.000 So I go and click on this link and listen to this fucking song.

00:51:36.000 And I'm like, this is so uncoordinated.

00:51:38.000 It's all over the place.

00:51:39.000 I mean, maybe if you're a big-ass Iggy Pop fan already, maybe if you liked it already and you got into this style of, but then I get that way about like some music that people go nuts for, like the dead.

00:51:50.000 I don't understand the dead.

00:51:51.000 It doesn't, a few of their songs, I think, are really good, but a lot of it just doesn't ring with me.

00:51:56.000 And I think it's like a frequency that I'm just not tuned into that other people are.

00:52:00.000 I went to see them and they run with me until I smelled those motherfuckers. 1.00

00:52:04.000 The smell of those filthy fucking animals is ridiculous.

00:52:07.000 And I lived in Boulder, which that's where they conglomerate, those filthy fucking animals. 0.86

00:52:11.000 They were everywhere when I lived there.

00:52:12.000 Feet and armpit and breadth and hair and ass.

00:52:14.000 Like some people just smell armpit.

00:52:16.000 You know, I can live with an armpit.

00:52:17.000 But the deadheads, it was like ass and feet and fucking breath and ears. 1.00

00:52:22.000 Who has stinky fucking ears besides the German Shepherd?

00:52:24.000 Those fucking deadheads have stinky fucking ears. 0.85

00:52:27.000 I went to see the dead.

00:52:28.000 Why are you smelling their ears?

00:52:30.000 They were next to me at a concert at Red Rocks.

00:52:32.000 I went to see the dead Santana and public enemy.

00:52:36.000 Nobody put that schedule together.

00:52:38.000 Dead Santana and Public Enemy and one of them.

00:52:41.000 And a bunch of black people with guns and a bunch of stinky people with no fucking soap. 1.00

00:52:46.000 And somebody actually shot a gun at the fucking concert and the deadheads went crazy.

00:52:50.000 But then Santana came on and did a Black Magic Woman Dog and it was awful. 1.00

00:52:55.000 Even that.

00:52:56.000 Listen to the Hybraxis. 0.89

00:52:58.000 Get yourself the first or the second Santana album.

00:53:01.000 Listen to that brilliance.

00:53:02.000 This fucking Mexican kid took a guitar and turned fucking rock music and he mixed it with Spanish music and those fucking first two albums are brilliant.

00:53:11.000 Oyeco Mova and fucking Black Magic Woman. 1.00

00:53:14.000 What the fuck happened to that one dude that made that really successful song with him recently, like within the last 10 years?

00:53:21.000 Oh, just wanted to talk about it.

00:53:24.000 What is that song?

00:53:25.000 That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20.

00:53:28.000 What happened to that?

00:53:28.000 Great fucking singer, great fucking writer.

00:53:32.000 I mean, that dude is bad.

00:53:34.000 That dude made all those songs, wrote songs for a bunch of people.

00:53:37.000 And I think Matchbox broke up.

00:53:39.000 And then he went and did that song with Santana.

00:53:41.000 I think Matchbox put another album out.

00:53:43.000 He put a pretty nice, it wasn't a bad single album.

00:53:46.000 You know that song?

00:53:47.000 That song with Santana, though, was smoking.

00:53:51.000 Good.

00:53:52.000 God damn, it's one of those songs where it's like the perfect harmony of his voice and Santana.

00:53:57.000 And Santana was one of those dudes that he put out a Santana song.

00:54:01.000 And I had to figure this out when I was a kid.

00:54:02.000 And I was like, wait a minute, this is a different dude singing every time.

00:54:05.000 I was like, I don't get it.

00:54:06.000 And then I realized, oh, oh, oh, it's not even about, he's such a bad motherfucker.

00:54:10.000 It's not even about the singer.

00:54:12.000 It's about the guitarist.

00:54:14.000 It's that one dude, Carlos Santana.

00:54:16.000 His shit is so tight and so badass that no matter who the fuck is singing.

00:54:21.000 Yeah, it's a Santana song, bitch. 1.00

00:54:23.000 The vocals and the song itself almost play second fiddle to that goddamn guitar.

00:54:29.000 Now, what an amazing dude that guy is.

00:54:32.000 Because who the fuck else can claim that?

00:54:33.000 I guess there's a few other guys that do that.

00:54:36.000 Like...

00:54:37.000 Richie Blackmore was a fucking...

00:54:41.000 Oh, yeah.

00:54:41.000 Dave Beckmore.

00:54:43.000 Dave Beckmore.

00:54:44.000 I forget too.

00:54:45.000 Fucking.

00:54:46.000 Jeff Beck.

00:54:47.000 Jeff Beck was another guitarist who can put out songs that weren't really Jeff Beck.

00:54:52.000 I mean, it was, you know, he called it Jeff Beck song, but it was just because of his guitar.

00:54:55.000 Well, he was an egotistical motherfucker.

00:54:57.000 Remember, he did that jam with Rod Stewart early in the morning.

00:55:00.000 I can't sleep.

00:55:01.000 Remember, Daniel?

00:55:02.000 That was a great song.

00:55:02.000 Infatuation?

00:55:03.000 Yeah.

00:55:03.000 That was him.

00:55:04.000 And then he canceled before the fucking tour.

00:55:06.000 What?

00:55:06.000 So he left Rod Stewart go out there alone with Alec because he's an egomaniac.

00:55:11.000 Oh, really?

00:55:12.000 So he didn't want to deal with being second fiddle to Rod Stewart?

00:55:15.000 Yeah, Rod Stewart was too fucking strong.

00:55:17.000 Jeff Beck has a great guitar, but you can't fuck with Maggie Mae. 1.00

00:55:20.000 That dude, I saw Rod Stewart last night in some show that was like an infomercial where they were advertising some album series.

00:55:30.000 It was CDs and DVDs with all these, I guess it was all DVDs.

00:55:34.000 It was all musicians and comedians from some midnight special show.

00:55:39.000 And Rod Stewart was one of them.

00:55:40.000 Rocking on there.

00:55:41.000 Yeah.

00:55:42.000 Rocking.

00:55:42.000 You wear it well.

00:55:44.000 And he's out there looking like a lady. 0.93

00:55:47.000 He looks like an ugly lady. 1.00

00:55:49.000 He's in this little skinny guy in this weird outfit.

00:55:52.000 And he's prancing around stage in this weird way.

00:55:55.000 But his songs are so goddamn good.

00:55:58.000 They're so soulful.

00:56:00.000 He had some fucking songs, man.

00:56:03.000 Maggie Mae.

00:56:06.000 You wear it well.

00:56:07.000 Infatuation.

00:56:08.000 He's got an album called Blonde.

00:56:09.000 Infatuation was already when he was starting.

00:56:12.000 But no, no.

00:56:12.000 He get weird.

00:56:13.000 He's got an album called Blondes.

00:56:14.000 Have more fun.

00:56:15.000 Yeah.

00:56:16.000 Vince Cameron.

00:56:17.000 Oh, my God.

00:56:18.000 He got a song on there called You're Insane.

00:56:20.000 It is fucking bad.

00:56:21.000 Yeah.

00:56:22.000 I listen to it every once in a while.

00:56:23.000 You got to find it on YouTube.

00:56:24.000 It's in there deep.

00:56:25.000 But Rod Stewart, I went to see him.

00:56:27.000 I never seen fuck Van Halen.

00:56:29.000 I seen bitches sucking dick right at the show. 1.00

00:56:32.000 When Rod Stewart got on stage, there was two people who made you want to suck a dick, and that's Rod Stewart and Kenny Rogers, the dude with the white hair.

00:56:39.000 Women would be sucking dick right at the show. 1.00

00:56:41.000 As soon as that motherfucker started singing, lady. 1.00

00:56:44.000 But Rod Stewart had such a unique voice, such a unique voice, like vocally, and like the shit that he sang about.

00:56:50.000 Like the way he would sing.

00:56:52.000 They were kind of vulnerable songs, but in a weird way.

00:56:54.000 Like Maggie Mae.

00:56:56.000 Wake up, Maggie.

00:56:57.000 I think I got something to say to you.

00:56:58.000 It's late September and I really should be back in school.

00:57:01.000 Like, what is this song?

00:57:02.000 Like, what is it about?

00:57:03.000 It's like some guy who's trying to find himself, you know, steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool.

00:57:08.000 You know, find myself a rock and roll band that needs a helping hand.

00:57:14.000 Oh, Maggie.

00:57:14.000 I mean, like, the songs were so weird and unusual, man.

00:57:18.000 Like, his, just his stylistically, the things that he was into singing about, you know, he was a bad motherfucker.

00:57:24.000 A real unique voice.

00:57:26.000 I wish I'd never seen your face.

00:57:29.000 That is such a bad fucking thing.

00:57:31.000 God damn, that's a good song.

00:57:33.000 That's a song that's like, it's still, no matter where you are, when that song comes on, you're happy.

00:57:37.000 You know, I will stay in my car until he, I mean, even if I'm in a rush, until he said, steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing.

00:57:46.000 Every time you're in the car and something good comes on, I lose your time.

00:57:49.000 I just gotta sit.

00:57:50.000 I gotta sit tight.

00:57:50.000 I don't care if I'm late.

00:57:52.000 I'll go to your house.

00:57:52.000 I'll tell you.

00:57:53.000 Dude, I would have been here five minutes ago, but fucking Maggie Mae was on. 1.00

00:57:57.000 And I'm, you know, I gotta, out of respect, I gotta listen to that song.

00:58:00.000 There's a few songs.

00:58:02.000 There's a few songs.

00:58:03.000 Call Me the Breeze.

00:58:04.000 Call Me the Breeze comes on.

00:58:06.000 Playing Her Sisters Jump.

00:58:06.000 Shit.

00:58:08.000 I like Double Trouble.

00:58:09.000 I like fucking all that crazy skinny shit.

00:58:12.000 They got another one on that album I got on inside that is just so fucking crazy.

00:58:17.000 You know, I knew in high school, when I was 14 years old, when Jump came out, Van Halen's Jump came out, I knew there was something wrong with using keyboards.

00:58:25.000 I knew back then, like, because everybody was into Van Halen when I was in high school, okay?

00:58:30.000 When I was in high school in 1981, it was my freshman year of high school.

00:58:34.000 And my sister's boyfriend at the time was this kid.

00:58:39.000 His name was Jeff.

00:58:42.000 And he was John.

00:58:44.000 Yeah, John Jewett.

00:58:45.000 And he was really into Van Halen to the point where, he's going to be mad at me if I got his name.

00:58:45.000 Sorry.

00:58:51.000 I'm high, dog.

00:58:52.000 And he was really into Van Halen to the point where he had it on his license plate.

00:58:59.000 His license plate was Van Halen on his car.

00:59:01.000 And everybody was into Van Halen.

00:59:02.000 And then the new Van Halen came out.

00:59:04.000 It was 1984.

00:59:05.000 That was the album, right, wasn't it?

00:59:06.000 With Jump.

00:59:07.000 The new album came out, I remember in high school.

00:59:10.000 And everybody was like, oh, the new Van Halen's out.

00:59:12.000 It's awesome.

00:59:13.000 And I was like, dude, I'm like, what the fuck is this?

00:59:18.000 I love that shit.

00:59:19.000 I remember thinking, this is lacking in soul.

00:59:23.000 What's that?

00:59:24.000 I love it.

00:59:24.000 Lacking in soul.

00:59:25.000 Jump.

00:59:26.000 That song, Jump. 0.97

00:59:27.000 Might as well jump.

00:59:28.000 That song.

00:59:29.000 That keyboard, that electronic keyboard, man.

00:59:31.000 That is not as good.

00:59:33.000 They were done after.

00:59:34.000 You hear Running with the Devil.

00:59:36.000 You know, Hot for Teacher. 0.98

00:59:38.000 You know, those are real songs.

00:59:40.000 But Jump.

00:59:42.000 What's the album with Mean?

00:59:44.000 What?

00:59:44.000 What song?

00:59:45.000 What album is Mean Streets on?

00:59:46.000 That's their shit.

00:59:48.000 That's their best album.

00:59:49.000 Oh, God damn.

00:59:50.000 That's their best album.

00:59:50.000 Mean Streets is good.

00:59:51.000 That's their best album before they broke up.

00:59:53.000 When that album came out, it's when boomboxes were becoming popular.

00:59:56.000 Remember, everyone had them over their shoulders.

00:59:58.000 They had stereo boomboxes.

01:00:00.000 And that song was one of the first songs I remember hearing in just awesome stereo.

01:00:05.000 It seemed so future.

01:00:06.000 Like 80s was all about breakdancing and, you know, like the future and stuff like that.

01:00:10.000 Women and children first. 1.00

01:00:11.000 No, that was the second one.

01:00:13.000 Really?

01:00:13.000 No, that was the third.

01:00:14.000 So it's Van Halen 1.

01:00:16.000 Fair warning.

01:00:17.000 Fair warning.

01:00:17.000 That's a bad fucking thing.

01:00:18.000 God damn it.

01:00:19.000 Fair warning.

01:00:20.000 Lord, strike that poor boy down.

01:00:23.000 Yeah, they had some fucking jams.

01:00:24.000 No, they had some good fucking jams.

01:00:26.000 Unchained.

01:00:27.000 Yeah, Mean Streets, Unchained.

01:00:29.000 Woo! 0.99

01:00:30.000 This is love.

01:00:32.000 I hung out with David Lee Roth at the comedy store once.

01:00:35.000 All videotaped.

01:00:36.000 Yeah, he is cool as fuck.

01:00:38.000 We had to not release it because he talked a lot of shit about some people.

01:00:41.000 He didn't want it released.

01:00:43.000 But he actually contacted you, right?

01:00:47.000 The next day, his fellow, the guy who works for him, contacted Brian.

01:00:51.000 He's like, please, please don't release that.

01:00:52.000 Because David Lee Roth, he's just a free talker.

01:00:56.000 He just hangs around and starts talking shit.

01:00:58.000 He was talking shit about girls.

01:00:59.000 He was talking shit about people in other bands and music that sucks and guys who can't fucking...

01:01:08.000 He's got a little bit.

01:01:09.000 He can't carry the spread.

01:01:10.000 He's got a little bit of that in him.

01:01:12.000 But he was funny, man.

01:01:13.000 He's a funny guy.

01:01:14.000 He's a real guy.

01:01:15.000 And he had a real band and something happened and they replaced him with that fake fucking Sammy Hagar Twice open for Sabbath when they had Dio and people were spitting at him in Philadelphia.

01:01:25.000 In Philadelphia, they were rolling the spit off their fingers.

01:01:28.000 They call it like whatever they do when they throw it at you.

01:01:30.000 Yeah.

01:01:31.000 And I remember watching fucking the singer and spit was just flying by him and he's trying to duck it and shit.

01:01:38.000 Then it was like, I always did that.

01:01:40.000 Did you like David Leroth when he did his own solo stuff?

01:01:43.000 No.

01:01:43.000 I ain't got no bones.

01:01:45.000 No.

01:01:46.000 David Leroth needed Eddie Van Halen and Eddie Van Halen needed.

01:01:50.000 Look, man, it's not just one person, man.

01:01:54.000 It's fucking teams.

01:01:55.000 It's the creative juices of everybody together.

01:01:58.000 That's the really interesting shit.

01:02:00.000 It's just hard to get that to work because you got egos.

01:02:03.000 And then you got Valerie Bertinelli, who most likely probably wanted to fuck David Lee Roth, but couldn't get him and got Eddie Van Halen instead. 1.00

01:02:11.000 And then shit got weird.

01:02:12.000 And she was like, why do you keep him around?

01:02:14.000 He's such an egomaniac.

01:02:16.000 You know, because she really wanted to fuck David Lee Roth. 1.00

01:02:18.000 At least that's what I would assume.

01:02:19.000 But David Lee Roth was cool as fuck, man.

01:02:21.000 He was one of the first guys that, like, he came up to me after the show, and I was actually like nervous.

01:02:26.000 I was like nervous to talk to David Lee Roth.

01:02:28.000 And when he was telling me I was funny, you know, like, dude, I fucking loved it.

01:02:31.000 I was great.

01:02:31.000 He was like, I had no idea.

01:02:33.000 I thought you were just that Fear Factor guy.

01:02:34.000 You were fucking hilarious.

01:02:35.000 I'm like, holy shit, I'm talking to David Lee Roth.

01:02:38.000 Like, for me, going back to Newton South High School in 1983, you know, listening to the, you know, sitting out in the courtyard with everybody, listening on the cassette player, listening to fucking Van Halen.

01:02:47.000 Then all of a sudden I'm sitting here, just me and Eddie Bravo and Brian, and we're hanging out in front of the goddamn comedy store.

01:02:54.000 There's no one even surrounding him.

01:02:55.000 There's no mobs of people.

01:02:57.000 We're just hanging out.

01:02:58.000 He just showed up unannounced on like some random Tuesday or Wednesday or something like that, hung out in the back of the, paid for his fucking ticket, hung out in the back of the club like a normal person, and then came out to give me props. 0.57

01:03:10.000 And I'm sitting there talking to David Lee Roth, and I'm shell-shocked.

01:03:13.000 I'm like, I'm talking, I'm like, I can't even believe I'm talking to David Lee Roth.

01:03:16.000 And we're talking about my comedy.

01:03:17.000 I'm talking to David Lee Roth about how much he liked my set.

01:03:20.000 I'm like, wow, this is crazy.

01:03:22.000 This is bizarre.

01:03:24.000 It's tough when you see people at the store and they're not looking for attention.

01:03:27.000 Yeah.

01:03:28.000 When you see somebody who's not looking for attention, like I seen Chris Cornell at the store one night and a Wednesday night, and I kept looking at him going, I know this motherfucker.

01:03:36.000 Yeah, I seen Dr. Dre there.

01:03:38.000 A couple of times.

01:03:38.000 Yeah, I've seen Dr. Dre there a couple times.

01:03:40.000 Yeah.

01:03:41.000 We were there one night when he came in with that chick. 1.00

01:03:45.000 The black chick. 0.99

01:03:46.000 Michelle A. No.

01:03:47.000 That's the one he was married to, right?

01:03:49.000 He was married to her, but he came in not dating her, but he came in with her.

01:03:52.000 Like they were out in a night, and they all went up there to see Eddie Griffith.

01:03:55.000 I can't remember what her name is.

01:03:57.000 Cute little chick with black hair. 1.00

01:03:59.000 She's got a reality show now with all her black sisters. 1.00

01:04:02.000 And we all kind of look the same.

01:04:04.000 She did.

01:04:04.000 She's in Vegas now.

01:04:05.000 I got to think of her name.

01:04:06.000 She's a comic? 1.00

01:04:07.000 No, no, no.

01:04:08.000 She's a big-time singer. 1.00

01:04:10.000 Big-time singer.

01:04:10.000 Big-time black singer.

01:04:12.000 Well, I don't know who that would be.

01:04:12.000 Okay.

01:04:13.000 But the comedy store was famous for that because the comedy store, even though it's run by retards, it's a goddamn Hollywood landmark. 1.00

01:04:20.000 I mean, that spot, first of all, I would always be just completely baffled that here.

01:04:26.000 I mean, this is no recession going on.

01:04:28.000 This is, you know, the heyday of the, you know, the 90s and the early 2000s, and it's across the street from the House of Blues, and yet on a Friday night, there's nobody there.

01:04:39.000 On a Friday night, there's fucking 50 people in the OR.

01:04:41.000 Like, this is criminal.

01:04:42.000 You guys have the greatest spot on the planet Earth.

01:04:46.000 Not only does it have the greatest name in the history of comedy, not only is it a place where Richard Pryor filmed live at the fucking Sunset Strip.

01:04:54.000 I mean, this is an amazing place in history.

01:04:58.000 And yet there's 50 people there on a Friday night.

01:04:59.000 Like, that's how fucked up it was.

01:05:01.000 But it's such a Hollywood icon that people are always going to gravitate to that spot just to peek in.

01:05:08.000 You know, it's like it's what it is, is basically LA's version of the comedy cellar, except it's not as good.

01:05:14.000 It's not run the same way.

01:05:16.000 It's not as like the comedy cellar in New York is where all the top guys go and fuck around and work out.

01:05:21.000 It's like known.

01:05:22.000 And it's got like a restaurant attached to it.

01:05:24.000 People eat there and shit.

01:05:25.000 You know, Jimmy Norton wrote his book there.

01:05:29.000 I mean, he brings a laptop and dudes are always hanging out there.

01:05:32.000 It's a real like a place where all the comics come.

01:05:36.000 But in LA, the comedy store is the closest thing.

01:05:40.000 It was like the closest icon place.

01:05:42.000 I mean, the improv is the best club in town, but the comedy store has the best name.

01:05:46.000 It's got the best feel.

01:05:48.000 It's got the best location.

01:05:50.000 Have you been to the Long Beach Laugh Factory?

01:05:52.000 I just went there the other day.

01:05:53.000 It was fucking awesome.

01:05:54.000 Is it really?

01:05:54.000 Yeah, that's a great location.

01:05:56.000 Is it really?

01:05:57.000 Really?

01:05:58.000 It's nice.

01:05:59.000 What is the deal with that?

01:06:00.000 Can you go if you're not friends with Joe Coy?

01:06:05.000 He has no boosted no more.

01:06:06.000 Oh, that's right.

01:06:07.000 He left Jamie.

01:06:09.000 But he used to keep all the Filipinos out, right? 1.00

01:06:11.000 All the Asians. 0.98

01:06:12.000 All the Asians. 0.98

01:06:13.000 He didn't want anybody making any Asian jokes.

01:06:15.000 And he would work.

01:06:16.000 He wanted only his Filipino jokes.

01:06:20.000 Did you watch Louie, the new Louis show with Dane Cook?

01:06:24.000 I watched it online.

01:06:25.000 I watched that segment.

01:06:27.000 Was there more than one segment with Louie or with Dane Cook?

01:06:30.000 No, it starts off with Jim Martin.

01:06:31.000 Yeah.

01:06:32.000 Yeah, I watched it.

01:06:33.000 It was interesting.

01:06:34.000 It was like there's a little bit of revisionist history there.

01:06:38.000 Do you think it was unscripted?

01:06:39.000 It almost seemed to look real.

01:06:40.000 Like, it almost seemed like they actually just sat down.

01:06:43.000 No, I think they worked it out.

01:06:44.000 I worked out the beats and then they did it.

01:06:46.000 But I didn't like the argument.

01:06:48.000 I thought Dane's argument was kind of silly.

01:06:50.000 Like, why didn't you stick up for me?

01:06:52.000 Like, you didn't say that I didn't steal from you.

01:06:56.000 Like, I've never stolen.

01:06:57.000 Why would I steal a joke?

01:06:58.000 I never stole a joke ever.

01:06:59.000 Like, the argument was, like, really strange.

01:07:02.000 Well, yeah, I guess if you really think Dane Cook was guilty, then yeah.

01:07:07.000 There was one of the jokes.

01:07:09.000 I don't know if Dane Cook was guilty, but I do know he saw Louis C.K. do those jokes before he did them.

01:07:13.000 And that's enough.

01:07:14.000 That's all it is.

01:07:15.000 All three of them are on the same CD.

01:07:17.000 And Louis did those in front of him.

01:07:19.000 And he did it in front of everybody.

01:07:20.000 He did it in front of all of us.

01:07:21.000 It's not that, look, Louis C.K. is the most prolific guy working today.

01:07:25.000 He puts out a new hour every year.

01:07:28.000 But back then, he didn't.

01:07:30.000 Back then, Louis was doing the same act for a long fucking time.

01:07:34.000 So those bits, the bit about a guy getting hit by a car, he did that bit for years.

01:07:40.000 Did you know who did it before him?

01:07:42.000 The dude about a guy getting hit by a car?

01:07:44.000 Steve Martin.

01:07:45.000 No, no, no.

01:07:45.000 Steve Martin did the naming the child.

01:07:47.000 Naming the child a crazy name.

01:07:49.000 I thought he also.

01:07:49.000 You get the wrong bit.

01:07:50.000 Really?

01:07:51.000 Yeah.

01:07:52.000 Hit by a car too?

01:07:53.000 About where you're trying to say something to him?

01:07:54.000 Yeah.

01:07:55.000 Really?

01:07:56.000 Like, or something like that.

01:07:58.000 I think you're wrong.

01:07:58.000 Really?

01:08:00.000 You might be wrong.

01:08:00.000 I'm pretty sure.

01:08:01.000 I'm pretty sure you're wrong.

01:08:01.000 It's been like 20 years.

01:08:02.000 I'm pretty sure the Steve Martin joke that, and this is true, that Steve Martin came up with a bit that's really similar to both Dane's bit and Louis CK's bit, that if I have a kid, I'm going to name him some crazy name that's unpronounceable.

01:08:17.000 You know, this is being silly.

01:08:19.000 Like, that's not stealing.

01:08:22.000 I mean, obviously, those guys, well, you know what?

01:08:25.000 It is kind of stealing.

01:08:26.000 Look, if those guys had heard Steve Martin and forgot about it and then reintroduced the joke, you know, like didn't realize that they had like just forgotten it.

01:08:38.000 But you got to stop doing it once you hear about Steve Martin's bit.

01:08:41.000 But the difference is Louis was doing it in front of Dane.

01:08:45.000 So whether or not Dane is, you know, a joke thief, you know, look, I like Dane.

01:08:51.000 I think he's a talented guy.

01:08:52.000 I think he's a great marketer.

01:08:53.000 And I think he's a good person.

01:08:55.000 I really do.

01:08:55.000 But I also think he's wildly ambitious.

01:08:59.000 And I think that sometimes when you're wildly ambitious, you don't even realize what you're doing and you're doing it.

01:09:05.000 You don't mean to do it, but you start doing it and those bits work and then you don't want to let them go.

01:09:11.000 And even though someone's like, hey man, that sounds like Joe Diaz's bit, you don't want to let them go because they are weapons and you use them and you use them to get what you want, which is you want love.

01:09:20.000 You want that love and adulation.

01:09:22.000 You want to be killing up there and you get addicted to it and you can't let it go.

01:09:25.000 And if he's addicted, if he's guilty of anything, he's guilty of that.

01:09:28.000 So that's why I thought it was the argument was weird.

01:09:31.000 I was like, man, you guys are like, you know, it's weird, you know?

01:09:34.000 But I liked how Louis's such a good dude, man.

01:09:37.000 You know, like even his whole, the way he's approaching, like, I didn't like what people were saying about you and I didn't like that people were, you know, getting mad at you.

01:09:44.000 And I was like, wow, like he's, he's just a, you know, one of the reasons why he's doing so well is that he's, he's just like, the way he thinks is a good way to think.

01:09:53.000 He's a good, good guy.

01:09:54.000 Yeah.

01:09:55.000 He sticks to his fucking word.

01:09:56.000 He's not like these other pukes that we have around us 24 fucking hours a day in LA.

01:10:01.000 I seen Louie.

01:10:02.000 He came up to me with the comedy store.

01:10:03.000 I used to host on Sunday nights.

01:10:05.000 And he would come up and do a set every night, very polite.

01:10:08.000 Yeah.

01:10:08.000 And one night he came up to me.

01:10:09.000 He goes, are you available next week, bro?

01:10:10.000 And I go, whatever.

01:10:12.000 Yeah.

01:10:12.000 And he goes, I want to put you on my show.

01:10:15.000 He took my name and number, and I went out and did a gram of Coke and never thought anything of it.

01:10:20.000 Two days later, he called me, and he paid me more than anybody else has ever paid me.

01:10:24.000 And he took care of me.

01:10:25.000 And he had me there for the week.

01:10:26.000 And he came in his word.

01:10:28.000 So because of that, I give him my loyalty forever because he's one of the few of all these fucking weak motherfuckers we got around us that sticks to his fucking word.

01:10:36.000 He's a real dude.

01:10:37.000 He's a real fucking dude.

01:10:38.000 And I give him props.

01:10:39.000 I don't give none of these fucking measly motherfuckers props. 1.00

01:10:42.000 But Louie deserves my heart because he put me on television without ever expecting anything from me.

01:10:48.000 And he just told me he was going to put me on it.

01:10:50.000 And two days later, he called.

01:10:51.000 And I respect that to the end.

01:10:53.000 Especially, like I said, with these fucking mutts we have around us. 1.00

01:10:57.000 As a comedian, he's the most inspirational guy to me.

01:11:00.000 And I think to everybody because he's the most prolific.

01:11:03.000 Like, you can argue over who makes you laugh the most because I would say you make me laugh the most.

01:11:08.000 You're my favorite guy to watch.

01:11:10.000 I think there's some moments.

01:11:12.000 The moment when we were hanging out at the Bray Improv and you were on stage, we were doing the weekend there and you did that fucking bit about dead dick, about you don't accept dead dick, and you made it up on the fly.

01:11:24.000 He goes, you take two popsicle sticks and you tie that dick up and you throw it back in like a wounded soldier.

01:11:30.000 Fuck it.

01:11:30.000 And when you said when you said when you said it, I knew you had-libbed it because I know your act by heart.

01:11:38.000 And you knew you had-libbed it, and it fucking destroyed it. 0.93

01:11:42.000 You are beat red in the face, laughing at your own shit.

01:11:46.000 What do you want me to do?

01:11:46.000 And me and Ari Shafir are in the back of the room, and we just go, he's the best.

01:11:50.000 He's the best.

01:11:51.000 Nobody makes me laugh harder than you, but Louis C.K. is more prolific.

01:11:55.000 He's the most prolific guy.

01:11:56.000 Two conversations about stand-up with Louie in my active my life has changed.

01:12:00.000 I'm telling you this right off the bat.

01:12:01.000 I believe it.

01:12:02.000 I had two conversations.

01:12:03.000 I think he's changing the way a lot of comics do it, and he's making guys write more.

01:12:08.000 What was the conversations that you had with him?

01:12:10.000 I had a conversation about storytelling and about jokes.

01:12:13.000 And he said that he had watched me and that my material was a little fucking crazy, but he loved it.

01:12:19.000 He respected it.

01:12:20.000 But he goes, you have so much more to tell people.

01:12:23.000 He goes, I want you to talk about what is dark to you.

01:12:26.000 That's why I started talking about mugging the hooker. 1.00

01:12:29.000 That's why I started talking about all the crimes I had done out loud.

01:12:32.000 And that's why I'm writing them on stage now.

01:12:34.000 You know what you need to talk about on stage?

01:12:36.000 You need to talk about finding your dead mother when you were high on acid.

01:12:36.000 What, brother?

01:12:40.000 How fucking crazy is that?

01:12:41.000 You gotta tell about that on stage, bro.

01:12:45.000 I got to go.

01:12:46.000 Joe, I got nowhere to go.

01:12:48.000 After you find your dead mother on the floor, Jesus can't follow you.

01:12:52.000 Jesus can't fuck her. 1.00

01:12:53.000 I tried it already.

01:12:54.000 You could end with it.

01:12:55.000 You could end with it.

01:12:56.000 And what about the rest of the fucking show?

01:12:57.000 I got to have breadbang on it.

01:12:58.000 Don't let him eat it this way for 20 minutes.

01:13:01.000 It is so bad.

01:13:03.000 You know, it's like going up to somebody and going, hey, bro, how you doing?

01:13:05.000 You ever go up to somebody like by mistake and go, hey, bro, how you doing?

01:13:08.000 How's your brother?

01:13:08.000 You're like, oh, he just died.

01:13:10.000 How bad do you feel?

01:13:12.000 At a comedy show, in a one-man show setting, I could do it.

01:13:15.000 But at a comedy show, I can't do it soon.

01:13:17.000 Don't Cap Williams it.

01:13:18.000 It's too hard to recover from it.

01:13:20.000 What does that mean?

01:13:21.000 He just tried to change his act over the weekend in Ontario.

01:13:24.000 What did Cap Williams?

01:13:26.000 Tell me what happened.

01:13:27.000 He tried to do something different, supposedly.

01:13:29.000 Like he tried to do more of a serious kind of like one-man show.

01:13:34.000 Where?

01:13:34.000 In Ontario?

01:13:35.000 Ontario, California.

01:13:36.000 At the improv?

01:13:37.000 And then the audience wasn't.

01:13:37.000 Yeah.

01:13:38.000 I wish I knew he was there.

01:13:39.000 I would have wanted to see him.

01:13:40.000 The audience wasn't having it.

01:13:42.000 And so they started like, I guess, booing or doing something like that.

01:13:45.000 And then Kat started screaming at him or doing something.

01:13:47.000 And then the Ontario improv, this is, by the way, all based off TMZ.

01:13:52.000 Ontario Improv kicked him off stage and kicked him out of the building.

01:13:56.000 And then he wouldn't leave.

01:13:57.000 And so then they called the police.

01:13:58.000 And then the police had to take him off the premises and they canceled the whole weekend.

01:14:02.000 Well, he's definitely crazy because he keeps getting arrested and there's a lot of shit going on with him.

01:14:07.000 He got caught with guns a couple times.

01:14:09.000 But he did a show recently in New Mexico and a bunch of people wanted their money back because he got on stage.

01:14:15.000 The show was a nine o'clock show.

01:14:17.000 He didn't get on stage until like midnight.

01:14:19.000 And he goes on stage.

01:14:20.000 The music stays on while he's on stage.

01:14:22.000 The music stays on and he's he takes his shirt off and he starts dancing and he's dancing around with a shirt off and then he starts doing push-ups and then he starts talking and push-ups.

01:14:31.000 He's doing push-ups on stage with no shirt on and then he starts talking to people in the audience.

01:14:35.000 So either he's just like trying to come up with some new material and just going deep into the crazy bin or he's really legitimately losing his mind.

01:14:44.000 He's losing his mind.

01:14:45.000 Yo, we said it before, man.

01:14:47.000 We've said it so many times.

01:14:48.000 Brilliant people.

01:14:49.000 There's a lot of brilliant people that are very close to insanity.

01:14:52.000 And I know you've been close to insanity because I've watched you be close to insanity.

01:14:56.000 Who, Joey?

01:14:56.000 Joey's been close to insanity.

01:14:59.000 Yeah.

01:15:00.000 Well, that was normal.

01:15:01.000 For Joey, that's pretty fucking normal.

01:15:03.000 I just have to wait for that storm to end.

01:15:05.000 It's like I'm wondering.

01:15:07.000 But no, no, no.

01:15:08.000 I see.

01:15:09.000 But you know what I mean?

01:15:09.000 You know, Joey.

01:15:10.000 I feel it at times.

01:15:11.000 I feel it when I get home writing.

01:15:13.000 I gotta force myself out of the house.

01:15:16.000 You what?

01:15:16.000 I gotta watch.

01:15:17.000 It's a podcast, brother.

01:15:18.000 I gotta force myself out of the fucking house.

01:15:20.000 Why?

01:15:21.000 Because that's why.

01:15:23.000 You go too into your head.

01:15:25.000 Yeah, I go into my head.

01:15:26.000 Yeah, you don't want to be alone with your head sometimes.

01:15:29.000 There's moments where you need to interact with other people just to get a sense of normalcy, right?

01:15:34.000 Yeah, and I'm to the point where sometimes you're writing and you get into it and you're there and all of a sudden your fucking mind just goes somewhere, bro.

01:15:41.000 It just goes somewhere where it just hasn't been.

01:15:44.000 And with stand-ups, I could see it.

01:15:46.000 I feel myself slip.

01:15:48.000 I felt myself slipping a lot with the coat when I was on stage.

01:15:51.000 I caught myself from point.

01:15:52.000 I caught myself from four to eight.

01:15:54.000 And I would catch myself at eight.

01:15:56.000 Wait a second.

01:15:56.000 I was just at four.

01:15:57.000 How the fuck did I get to eight?

01:15:59.000 What I was talking about earlier about Roger Waters.

01:16:01.000 Roger Waters, the article in Rolling Stone, one of the things it was talking about is his childhood.

01:16:05.000 His dad was in the military.

01:16:07.000 His dad died when he was really young.

01:16:09.000 And, you know, he grew up with us.

01:16:10.000 I mean, there's photos of him with his dad, and all of a sudden his dad's gone, that hole, that void.

01:16:15.000 You know, there's something about loss and childhood, you know, when you're young and fucked up things happens that creates like seemingly the most brilliant people, but they're also the most likely to do something fucking crazy.

01:16:29.000 Crazy.

01:16:30.000 Crazy.

01:16:31.000 Like look at fucking, look at what's going on with Dave Chappelle.

01:16:34.000 You hear what Dave Chappelle did the other day?

01:16:36.000 He goes on stage and for 45 fucking minutes, he tells one joke and then he says, this is a test of wills.

01:16:44.000 I'm not going to say nothing.

01:16:45.000 You don't say nothing either.

01:16:46.000 And like he stays up there for 45 fucking minutes. 0.91

01:16:49.000 And no, and, you know, and people are like, I just want, I just want to be entertained.

01:16:53.000 We tell some jokes.

01:16:54.000 He's like, you know, go see, go, you know, buy my DVDs.

01:16:57.000 You know, you'll be entertained.

01:16:59.000 Like, meanwhile, he's just standing on stage, like saying nothing for 45 minutes.

01:17:04.000 And again, this is a lot of hearsay, too.

01:17:05.000 I don't know the exact story of what happened, but this is what I keep hearing.

01:17:09.000 And there was another video of him going on stage at some festival, and he bombed there, too.

01:17:14.000 And he was doing the same thing, just standing on stage.

01:17:16.000 That's his new act.

01:17:18.000 That's comedy.

01:17:18.000 Yeah, we talked about that.

01:17:19.000 But no, no, no, no, no.

01:17:21.000 He's not doing anything, bro.

01:17:22.000 He's just standing on stage.

01:17:24.000 I don't know what happens to comedians, but there's one point in a comedian's life, and I could sit here in the next 20 minutes and give you a list of them, that they think that they go from becoming comedians to thinking that I got to listen to what the fuck they're saying.

01:17:24.000 That's his new act.

01:17:41.000 That's it.

01:17:42.000 Brill was listening to, he was reading his texts.

01:17:45.000 He was getting texts while he was on stage and reading them.

01:17:48.000 He has this whole new thing, style of comedy that he's doing.

01:17:51.000 I've seen it twice.

01:17:53.000 My friend DeMar has seen it four times or three times.

01:17:56.000 And what it is, it looks very organic.

01:17:59.000 Like he starts off and he automatically starts going.

01:18:01.000 Yeah, we talked about this, but that's not what he's doing, dude.

01:18:04.000 What he was doing at that point was crazy though.

01:18:06.000 This is not what these people are saying in the show.

01:18:09.000 What they're saying is he's not doing anything.

01:18:11.000 He's standing on stage, not saying a word.

01:18:14.000 he was talking.

01:18:15.000 He wasn't just sitting there not just saying.

01:18:16.000 Dude, this latest show that I am talking to you about, I'm not talking the show that you saw.

01:18:21.000 I'm saying the show that he did recently.

01:18:24.000 He got on stage and he was talking about how this is a battle of wills.

01:18:27.000 I'm not going to say nothing.

01:18:28.000 We'll see how long we last here.

01:18:30.000 He was being quiet and he wanted them to be quiet too.

01:18:32.000 Let's see who breaks first.

01:18:33.000 He said nothing.

01:18:35.000 And people were losing their mind.

01:18:36.000 Like he told one joke and then the rest of the set, he sat around and did nothing.

01:18:42.000 There's a point with these fucking comedians that they think that they go from being a comic to social commentary.

01:18:48.000 Like they did something to, I deserve this social commentary.

01:18:51.000 And that's what's really going on.

01:18:52.000 We've seen it with Eddie Griffin.

01:18:54.000 We see it with this fucking guy now.

01:18:56.000 We see it with a bunch of comedians.

01:18:58.000 The other night I put on that fucking green room with whatever just to watch Stanhope.

01:18:58.000 I see it.

01:19:02.000 And I had to put up with your buddy from SVU and Janine Garofilo.

01:19:06.000 The guy says to him, what's the fucking guy?

01:19:08.000 Richard Belzer.

01:19:09.000 You know, guy that never said nothing funny in his whole fucking life.

01:19:12.000 And he asked Stanhope, why the fuck is he there?

01:19:14.000 But they're sitting in nights.

01:19:16.000 They're not even dead.

01:19:17.000 And he asked Stanhope, and why are you here?

01:19:19.000 And Stanhope goes, because I came to see the Suck My Dick Fest between you and Janine Garofilo. 1.00

01:19:23.000 Is that what Stanhope said?

01:19:24.000 Yeah.

01:19:24.000 And then he goes, well, literally, like trying to be cute, you know, like what these fucking idiots in Hollywood do.

01:19:30.000 Like literally, how about I get up and put my dick in your mouth and Provenza's mouth just to show you how we're going to do this here, man?

01:19:36.000 Somewhere along the line, these comics think that we need their social commentary.

01:19:39.000 And we fucking don't.

01:19:40.000 We fucking don't.

01:19:41.000 We don't give a fuck what you think.

01:19:43.000 Just tell us fucking jokes, guy.

01:19:46.000 Just tell us jokes.

01:19:48.000 We don't give a fuck.

01:19:49.000 Nobody gives a fuck.

01:19:51.000 That's where the show goes sour because nobody gives a fuck.

01:19:54.000 We pay to see you do an hour of material.

01:19:58.000 If at the last two minutes you want to summarize your set and do it, do it.

01:20:02.000 But if you're going to summarize it with bullshit that you don't live by anyway, shut your mouth and just do the fucking jokes, bro.

01:20:08.000 That's my big problem lately.

01:20:09.000 Nobody wants to shut their fucking mouth.

01:20:11.000 Either do the jokes or shut the fucking mouth. 0.89

01:20:13.000 What is all this chitter chatter about stupidity for? 1.00

01:20:16.000 That day in that green room, I'm trying to watch Stanhope, one of the most brilliant comics, a dear friend of mine.

01:20:21.000 I couldn't watch it.

01:20:22.000 Janine Garafo saying that the guy in Tucson that killed the fucking, that tried to kill the congressman was pushed to kill him because social media forced him.

01:20:33.000 First of all, that's not what a comedian worries about.

01:20:36.000 Did she really say that?

01:20:37.000 That's not what a Korean, a real comedian doesn't worry about that. 1.00

01:20:40.000 That's somebody who wants you to think that they care.

01:20:44.000 So like me, because I do care.

01:20:45.000 You don't care.

01:20:46.000 Yeah, you don't care about those fake tattoos you got in your arm all of a sudden.

01:20:50.000 You know, that's what they care about.

01:20:51.000 And that's what we're talking about.

01:20:52.000 Whether it's a fad or whatever the fuck, I can't deal with it no more. 1.00

01:20:55.000 You want me to make me funny, make me laugh?

01:20:58.000 I would refuse to go on stage and give you my opinion of the White House or the Tea Party because at the end of the week, it don't matter, guy.

01:21:05.000 I paid to watch you do jokes.

01:21:07.000 I want you to take me through your world, but that's it.

01:21:10.000 I don't want to hear no social commentary.

01:21:12.000 And we've seen it from a lot of comedians, bro.

01:21:14.000 After the 55-minute mark, they think, I got to listen to this shit.

01:21:17.000 Do your 55-minute comments.

01:21:18.000 Well, they also, they've developed a following of people who hang on every word.

01:21:22.000 And there's a lot of them that think they have something brilliant to say.

01:21:26.000 And so they choose the venue of stand-up comedy.

01:21:28.000 And look, this fucking podcast is a perfect example of a lot of times people have something to say that's not necessarily funny, but it's interesting.

01:21:34.000 But this is the right venue for it.

01:21:36.000 A podcast is the right venue for it.

01:21:38.000 This is not what I would ever do on stage.

01:21:41.000 When I do my set, I have a fucking set.

01:21:43.000 I'll fuck around a little bit, but I'm trying to be funny, period.

01:21:45.000 Period.

01:21:46.000 That's it.

01:21:46.000 I only hear what you think.

01:21:48.000 And that's a fucking.

01:21:49.000 People used to always think that comedy should be used in some way to educate people and enlighten people.

01:21:54.000 And that's important to do that.

01:21:56.000 And almost to the point of sacrificing comedy.

01:21:58.000 Like, you know, Bill Hicks had some material that was like that, where it was not funny at all.

01:22:02.000 At the end, Bill Hicks wasn't funny.

01:22:04.000 Let's get out of the way.

01:22:05.000 At the end, the lanthanum.

01:22:06.000 It was garbage.

01:22:07.000 Listen to the live from the village gate.

01:22:09.000 That's for Momos. 0.96

01:22:10.000 You could even hear the people ready to laugh.

01:22:12.000 And it's like, oh, God.

01:22:14.000 Well, some of his stuff, like, that was actually before the live from the village gate one was earlier.

01:22:19.000 And what that was is like, he did the bit on abortion.

01:22:21.000 And this is what I'm talking about.

01:22:22.000 And he was like, you know, like, you don't want people to abortion?

01:22:25.000 Then you fucking raise them.

01:22:28.000 You fucking raise them.

01:22:29.000 That's what he was yelling out.

01:22:30.000 You fucking raise the kids.

01:22:31.000 And there's no joke.

01:22:32.000 And I'm like, wow, this is a miss.

01:22:34.000 This is a miss.

01:22:34.000 This is a comedy club.

01:22:36.000 Okay.

01:22:36.000 Just yelling out, you fucking raise them and being irate.

01:22:39.000 Yes, you're right.

01:22:40.000 I see your point.

01:22:41.000 If you don't want people to have abortions, then you should raise their children. 1.00

01:22:44.000 I see what you're saying that you should get involved.

01:22:46.000 I see what you're saying.

01:22:47.000 But you're not being funny, period.

01:22:49.000 That's not a joke, you know?

01:22:51.000 And that's a thing that happens to a lot of comics.

01:22:54.000 It's they start to get people who want to listen to them.

01:22:58.000 They start to get people who think they're deep and they start listening to those people and they do this at a comedy club and they rant at a comedy club.

01:23:06.000 We've seen it happen.

01:23:07.000 We've seen it happen so many times.

01:23:09.000 There was this fucking kid from Jimmy's Comedy Hour.

01:23:11.000 God damn, I forget his name.

01:23:12.000 But he was really funny.

01:23:14.000 He was kind of crazy.

01:23:15.000 He was really funny.

01:23:16.000 And this was like in the late 80s, early 90s.

01:23:20.000 And he came to Hollywood.

01:23:21.000 He drove to LA and was working at the comedy store for a while.

01:23:25.000 Do you remember the kid?

01:23:26.000 Kind of good looking guy, but overweight.

01:23:28.000 I fucking forget his name.

01:23:30.000 It drives me nuts.

01:23:31.000 But he was a perfect example of that.

01:23:33.000 He would go on stage and at the comedy store, they fucking tortured him.

01:23:36.000 They tortured him.

01:23:37.000 He'd go on stage and try to be like deep and meaningful.

01:23:39.000 When he was funny, he could be really funny.

01:23:42.000 Like he had some good bits.

01:23:43.000 He had a fucking good bit about a hair club for men.

01:23:46.000 It was really funny.

01:23:47.000 You know, they show the guy, you know, like playing tennis and they show the guy swimming.

01:23:51.000 He goes, what they should show a guy is pulling out and shooting his fucking load on some chick's back, you know, and she goes, nice hair. 1.00

01:24:01.000 He had a fucking real good bit about it.

01:24:02.000 He had some good bits.

01:24:04.000 We went to the store one night, me and you, I don't even think we smoked pot or something.

01:24:08.000 We were sitting in the back.

01:24:09.000 You know, like when you go to an open mic and you sit down.

01:24:11.000 Just sit down.

01:24:11.000 Yeah.

01:24:12.000 Italian kid that went up that was older and he goes, hi, let me give you an impersonation of my Italian family portrait.

01:24:12.000 We do that all the time.

01:24:20.000 Remember me and you were in the back and we just died.

01:24:23.000 Like it's the dumbest joke ever.

01:24:25.000 He goes, this is, what was the joke?

01:24:28.000 This is my impersonation of my, this is a portrait of my Italian family.

01:24:32.000 Yeah.

01:24:32.000 Hey, he went like this.

01:24:33.000 He was leaning for folks at home.

01:24:35.000 That's the only joke he had with his hands up like someone's trying to take his picture.

01:24:38.000 But you and me looked at each other and were like, whoa.

01:24:41.000 Sometimes I was telling somebody, the best joke I heard that took me off my fucking ever was Charlie Hill at the store when you're stone talking to somebody and he's backed and he goes, How you doing?

01:24:51.000 My name is Charlie Hill.

01:24:52.000 My real name was Mountain, but I shortened it.

01:24:54.000 Dog, I fucking lost my fucking cookies at that dumb joke.

01:24:57.000 That's because you're high.

01:24:58.000 No, but that night I was.

01:25:02.000 Joe Rogan, cocksucker, Milwaukee this weekend.

01:25:05.000 I can't fucking wait past theater.

01:25:07.000 Blue ribbon be a theater, bitch. 1.00

01:25:09.000 Yeah, dude, we're gonna have a good time.

01:25:11.000 The last time you went to Milwaukee was with fucking Chris Maguire at that fair.

01:25:14.000 Yeah, it wasn't really in Milwaukee.

01:25:16.000 That was something else.

01:25:17.000 Was in Milwaukee?

01:25:18.000 Yeah, we did Summerfest.

01:25:19.000 I went like a year before you and a year after you.

01:25:22.000 Yeah, there was some guy that was there, I remember, going, oh, you're too dirty to work my club.

01:25:26.000 I'd like to have you in my club, but you're too dirty. 1.00

01:25:28.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:25:29.000 Both of those fucking clubs are fucking on.

01:25:31.000 What's the clubs they have there?

01:25:32.000 They had Green Bay Funnybone at the time.

01:25:34.000 They had the guy that Ari's going to go work up at the Comedy, Skyline Comedy Club, which is at the other part of.

01:25:41.000 I think it was the Green Bay one.

01:25:42.000 Then it was the other one that was the gangsters, the moguls, with the biker gang. 0.95

01:25:47.000 He owns it.

01:25:47.000 Really?

01:25:47.000 At night, he pays you with a gun on the table.

01:25:49.000 Shit.

01:25:50.000 Really?

01:25:50.000 Oh, no.

01:25:51.000 Come on.

01:25:52.000 Oh, yeah.

01:25:52.000 He puts a gun on the table when he pays you.

01:25:54.000 The whole staff has fucking double-breasted suits on on Fridays and Saturdays. 0.97

01:26:00.000 You got to wear double-breasted suits.

01:26:01.000 What?

01:26:02.000 The guy's a Hawaiian, 6'6, 400, with a motorcycle.

01:26:07.000 He's a gangster.

01:26:08.000 And now he's one of those bikers, whatever's up in Michigan, and he's like the treasurer.

01:26:12.000 He's got the fucking Porsche, the whole thing.

01:26:15.000 And they fucking on Saturdays, they pay, and the guy puts a gun on the thing, but he's big motherfucker Samoan, you know, those big Samoans. 1.00

01:26:22.000 And he's up there.

01:26:23.000 And a lot of bitches come in there. 1.00

01:26:24.000 They suck your dick and everything. 0.99

01:26:26.000 But I didn't like it.

01:26:27.000 I worked at one time and that was it.

01:26:28.000 But the fucking neighborhood, I can't wait to get spaghetti and clam sauce.

01:26:32.000 I can't wait to go to this place and get a meatball sandwich.

01:26:35.000 I can't fucking wait.

01:26:36.000 What a lot of people.

01:26:37.000 Milwaukee.

01:26:38.000 Listen, bro, let's get...

01:26:47.000 I never knew it.

01:26:47.000 They told me afterwards, you know who you robbed her?

01:26:49.000 I robbed her in Aspen.

01:26:49.000 You robbed her?

01:26:50.000 How'd you rob her?

01:26:51.000 I broke into a fucking house and she had 1,800 cash and a chunk of hash. 1.00

01:26:55.000 Not this LA shit that these idiots are smoking.

01:26:57.000 This shit that's stamped from the fucking emperor of Egypt.

01:27:01.000 Stamped!

01:27:02.000 Prophetic!

01:27:02.000 Fucking gold stamp.

01:27:03.000 And you see that stamp on a piece of hash?

01:27:05.000 When somebody gives you a piece of hash and you see that little rim with a stamp, you're fucking smoking the good shit, not this shit they give you in Hollywood.

01:27:12.000 And what hash is the THC that they share?

01:27:16.000 They have all that shit.

01:27:17.000 How do you make it?

01:27:17.000 I don't know.

01:27:18.000 What am I?

01:27:19.000 'Cause I've always known that it comes from I thought the hash was just red.

01:27:28.000 Somewhere.

01:27:29.000 I thought it was just red.

01:27:30.000 No, it's not.

01:27:31.000 There's a method to making it.

01:27:32.000 I don't know what the method is, but it's.

01:27:34.000 Life in jail for making fucking hash.

01:27:37.000 They passed it in some stupid state.

01:27:38.000 So she was from Italian from whatever, and she was a drug dealer. 1.00

01:27:41.000 That's why I robbed her because she was a drug dealer. 1.00

01:27:43.000 I didn't rob her because she decided because I wanted to rob her. 0.98

01:27:45.000 But she used to always tell me that there was great food in Milwaukee.

01:27:48.000 And I'm like, are you fucking, what are you going to do?

01:27:49.000 What are you going to eat cheese with it?

01:27:51.000 Well, this is another part of it that a lot of people don't know.

01:27:54.000 With Donny Brasco busted all those people, half of the people he busted weren't in New York.

01:27:58.000 They were in Milwaukee.

01:27:59.000 He busted this crew up there that was the Ballisteris.

01:28:02.000 They ran vending machines all over the country, big time, all over these vending machine companies with these guys.

01:28:09.000 So he went to Milwaukee and busted these motherfuckers, like 40 of them.

01:28:13.000 I'm not kidding.

01:28:14.000 It just doesn't say in the movie because they don't have enough time to put it in the fucking stupid movie.

01:28:18.000 But there's a big Italian community in fucking Milwaukee. 0.75

01:28:22.000 And big Chinese. 0.99

01:28:22.000 That's amazing. 0.99

01:28:24.000 I tell you, one of the best meatball sandwiches I ever had was in fucking Milwaukee.

01:28:28.000 I'm telling you, one of the best sauces.

01:28:28.000 Really?

01:28:30.000 I went there five days in a row.

01:28:31.000 How long you know me?

01:28:32.000 Five in a row for lunch.

01:28:34.000 And if they were open for dinner, I would have gone for dinner.

01:28:36.000 They were open for breakfast and lunch.

01:28:37.000 It was one of those Italian, but it's the, you know what they call, you know, delicatoros, you know, with the shit hanging, the goat hanging, and the fucking cheese, and you smell it.

01:28:47.000 The cheese.

01:28:48.000 It's like that.

01:28:49.000 So we're going.

01:28:50.000 All right.

01:28:51.000 I'm definitely going.

01:28:51.000 I'm down.

01:28:52.000 This place, Cavarettas, that I have up here in the valley, that place is fucking. 1.00

01:28:57.000 Listen, the best coming.

01:28:58.000 California's in the fucking valley, though.

01:29:00.000 There's some shit in the valley that is brilliant.

01:29:02.000 What is it, Canoga Park?

01:29:03.000 That Cavaretta?

01:29:04.000 Canoga Park.

01:29:04.000 God damn, that place is good.

01:29:06.000 If you are looking for, if you're in the valley and you're looking for a real Italian sausage and pepper sandwich, oh my God, is it good?

01:29:14.000 Sausage and peppers with tomato sauce.

01:29:16.000 It's terrible for you.

01:29:17.000 So I only get it like once a month.

01:29:19.000 But when I get it, it sits in my once a month.

01:29:24.000 Yeah, once a day.

01:29:25.000 Got more than once a day.

01:29:27.000 Go more than once a day, dog.

01:29:28.000 You have a fucking heart attack.

01:29:29.000 Trust me.

01:29:30.000 At the lasagna, at the Pinocchios, ain't fucking bad.

01:29:33.000 They got lasagna cavarettas.

01:29:34.000 They sell it in a giant tray.

01:29:37.000 And you take it home and heat that shit up, and it's fucking jamming.

01:29:40.000 That place is full legit.

01:29:43.000 There's not another sausage and pepper sub you could buy in LA.

01:29:46.000 Where the fuck else is there?

01:29:47.000 Where is there a sausage and pepper sub with tomato sauce?

01:29:50.000 A real one.

01:29:51.000 This place is good.

01:29:52.000 And if you take the hot peppers off the shelf and you say, well, you chop these up in there, they'll take you those hot, because you can't buy hot cherry peppers.

01:29:58.000 Where the fuck can you get them?

01:29:59.000 Only at this place.

01:30:01.000 Italian place.

01:30:02.000 It must be an Italian place.

01:30:03.000 With the prosciutto.

01:30:04.000 Oh, the prosciutto inside and cheese.

01:30:06.000 Oh, every day.

01:30:08.000 God.

01:30:08.000 And I get they call them pepper bombers.

01:30:10.000 That's what we get.

01:30:10.000 That's Ari.

01:30:11.000 Oh, that's so good.

01:30:12.000 That puts, just gives us on the cuff because we go up there every other fucking day.

01:30:15.000 Not so wild.

01:30:16.000 This place cabaret is they have cannolis too.

01:30:18.000 Like with big giant legit cannolis.

01:30:22.000 I'm not a cannoli guy, though.

01:30:23.000 I'll eat the fuck out of it.

01:30:24.000 Everybody since I left Jersey, I stopped a fucking cannoli. 1.00

01:30:27.000 Really?

01:30:27.000 No, I'll eat the fuck out of a cannoli.

01:30:29.000 This place is.

01:30:30.000 Hey, dog, I wanted to show this to one.

01:30:31.000 I don't know how you could print this up, not print it.

01:30:33.000 What is your one of the guys from JoeRogan.net hit me up and he wanted a copy of this when I got bugged by the feds.

01:30:41.000 Your address.

01:30:42.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:30:43.000 It's my old address.

01:30:44.000 What is it?

01:30:45.000 They have to after 9-11.

01:30:48.000 If a drug deal, if anybody whose phone is tapped, they call you.

01:30:52.000 After the person goes to trial, the government is supposed to send you an affidavit claiming the date you were on the phone with them and why they tapped them and All that shit.

01:31:01.000 So I was telling this kid this.

01:31:03.000 I was saying it on the podcast before, and I think he doubted me.

01:31:05.000 He goes, Can you please bring the paper?

01:31:07.000 Yeah, you know what?

01:31:08.000 There's a lot of people on my message board.

01:31:10.000 You guys are some disrespectful fucking shitheads.

01:31:14.000 Some of you guys who don't believe things, you're so fucking rude about it.

01:31:18.000 And one of the things is Joey Diaz.

01:31:21.000 Don't hold this up, bro.

01:31:22.000 We got to treat this like everybody can hear this.

01:31:25.000 You can read it if you like.

01:31:26.000 But so many people say, oh, this guy comes on the podcast and just lies and tells stupid stories.

01:31:33.000 Joey Diaz is not lying.

01:31:34.000 Why would I lie?

01:31:35.000 I mean, I don't lie to you people.

01:31:37.000 Crazy fucking lies.

01:31:38.000 I don't want to pay my fucking bills.

01:31:39.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:31:40.000 I've known Joey for a while.

01:31:41.000 You know anything about me?

01:31:42.000 I don't give a fuck about none of you, motherfuckers.

01:31:43.000 I got no reason to lie.

01:31:44.000 I don't owe you nothing.

01:31:45.000 They don't know.

01:31:46.000 Louie Nelson said in the thief, lie to no one.

01:31:48.000 Why ruin it with a lie?

01:31:49.000 And if they ain't nothing to you, who the fuck are they you gotta lie to me?

01:31:52.000 They don't know how you're living.

01:31:53.000 They don't know how what I met with.

01:31:54.000 You can't do controls and hanging on your computer all day, saying shit to people.

01:31:58.000 Get a fucking life, you fucking maggots. 0.99

01:32:00.000 Get a fucking life. 0.67

01:32:02.000 It's over.

01:32:03.000 He don't want to say it to you, but I'm going to say it to you.

01:32:05.000 Just, you know, most of them are just taking advantage of the fact that they're anonymous.

01:32:09.000 And they sit there all day and they judge people.

01:32:11.000 And it's not just me.

01:32:12.000 They do it to everybody.

01:32:13.000 I seen somebody do it to fucking like a music thing with kids the other day.

01:32:17.000 It's like, you know what, man?

01:32:18.000 Who the fuck are you?

01:32:19.000 What have you done?

01:32:20.000 And then when you go to their YouTube page, they have done nothing.

01:32:22.000 They're nothing.

01:32:23.000 They just put stupid videos up of birds and shit.

01:32:26.000 Well, I don't think you have to do something to have an opinion assignment.

01:32:29.000 No, but you know what?

01:32:30.000 You don't have to be a cunt.

01:32:31.000 You don't have to be a cunt.

01:32:32.000 That's all it is.

01:32:33.000 Give it to me straight instead of giving it to me with an anonymous fucking... 0.87

01:32:37.000 I had a chick last month, Joe Rogan, who sent me the best EMM email I ever got.

01:32:42.000 She said she went to a show and she was very unhappy with my comedy.

01:32:46.000 She didn't like that it was dirty.

01:32:47.000 And you know what?

01:32:48.000 10 years ago, I would have said, suck my dick.

01:32:52.000 And I emailed her back like a man.

01:32:53.000 You know what she said to me?

01:32:54.000 She goes, well, I thought you were funny, but I didn't need the necessity to curse.

01:32:57.000 And I said, you should have said that.

01:33:00.000 You hurt my feelings.

01:33:01.000 She goes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

01:33:02.000 She goes, I just thought there was more to you than cursing.

01:33:04.000 I'm picturing Joey Diaz alone with his nine fucking cats answering this bitch's email. 0.99

01:33:09.000 11.

01:33:10.000 No, I gotta, I gotta, you know, you gotta answer these emails to people.

01:33:14.000 But it's really funny, like, when somebody said you didn't put the drainer on your dick, who would make that up?

01:33:20.000 Why would you make that up?

01:33:22.000 I'm telling you, I'm fucked.

01:33:23.000 It's like, do you know I have an agent, like a big-time agent that moved away and now he's in Dallas?

01:33:28.000 So his name was first on IMDb.

01:33:31.000 Do you know how many fucking people send him emails once a week telling me to take the how to mug a fag video off? 1.00

01:33:38.000 So wait a second.

01:33:39.000 I'm telling you a story that a fag beat the fuck out of me. 1.00

01:33:42.000 I got confused.

01:33:43.000 What?

01:33:43.000 agents.

01:33:44.000 This agent is the top.

01:33:46.000 He's in Dallas.

01:33:47.000 He's a big time agent.

01:33:48.000 He's a big-time agent.

01:33:49.000 He handles athletes now.

01:33:50.000 He was telling you to take that video off.

01:33:52.000 He called me one morning.

01:33:52.000 He goes, dog, do you have a video on there about mugging fags?

01:33:56.000 He's in fucking Austin, Texas.

01:33:59.000 He's a sports agent.

01:34:00.000 And he goes, dog, I keep getting emails from people.

01:34:02.000 This is like last year saying that you better take the video off.

01:34:05.000 Did you mug a fag? 0.95

01:34:07.000 And I go, why would I lie about getting beat up by a fucking guy?

01:34:12.000 Why would somebody lie about something like that?

01:34:14.000 Like, why?

01:34:15.000 Who would make something like that?

01:34:16.000 I could say if I beat up 10 fags or I stabbed them and threw them over the cliff or fucking Joey's lying. 1.00

01:34:22.000 But who would lie about getting beat up by a fucking guy?

01:34:25.000 Why would somebody make something up?

01:34:26.000 People would make stories up, but the point is you don't.

01:34:29.000 No, why would I?

01:34:30.000 You would because you're crazy.

01:34:31.000 If you were a crazy person.

01:34:32.000 I never understood what it was.

01:34:34.000 I can't even lie on stage.

01:34:35.000 I know a lot of people who lie.

01:34:36.000 Oh, they've no, no, no.

01:34:38.000 No, people make up stories on stage.

01:34:40.000 Like, last night, my girl.

01:34:41.000 No, I don't want to hear about that.

01:34:43.000 But I can't even, like, I see a friend of mine that quit drinking, and she's still doing drinking jokes on stage.

01:34:48.000 Why are you doing that?

01:34:49.000 Really?

01:34:49.000 Why are you doing that?

01:34:50.000 You can't commit to that.

01:34:51.000 Why doesn't she just talk about how she quit drinking, but she used to do this? 0.99

01:34:54.000 Who the fuck am I to say something to him?

01:34:55.000 I just move on with my life.

01:34:57.000 I'm just making a fucking quote here.

01:34:58.000 It's like me going up on stage and doing cocaine jokes.

01:35:01.000 I don't live it no more.

01:35:01.000 I don't do it.

01:35:02.000 I don't even know what that's like.

01:35:03.000 Why would I talk about it?

01:35:05.000 Right.

01:35:05.000 I talk about it years before, but I can't stand with this.

01:35:08.000 That was another thing you did that night of the wounded soldier.

01:35:11.000 You were making fun of me because I had a five-hour energy drink.

01:35:14.000 He goes, What are you doing with that fucking five-hour energy drink?

01:35:16.000 And you went on stage with that.

01:35:17.000 He goes, five-hour energy drink.

01:35:19.000 He goes, you know what I do in the fucking, I wake up in the morning and I have a fucking big line.

01:35:23.000 I snort a big line of cocaine.

01:35:25.000 There's your fucking five-hour energy.

01:35:27.000 You do an eight-ball.

01:35:28.000 That's it.

01:35:28.000 What fucking five hours?

01:35:30.000 Five-hour energy drink.

01:35:31.000 It was Red Band's birthday, and this week, Mr. Rogan has a birthday this week.

01:35:35.000 He thought I forgot God's sake.

01:35:36.000 You're 37 now?

01:35:37.000 You're going to have to grow up eventually.

01:35:39.000 When is your birthday?

01:35:40.000 That's when you start getting older.

01:35:41.000 The 11th, August 11th.

01:35:43.000 That's Thursday.

01:35:44.000 Two days.

01:35:44.000 Two days from.

01:35:45.000 Oh, shit.

01:35:46.000 I thought you were going to invite me up for the fucking birthday.

01:35:48.000 Come on up.

01:35:48.000 Thursday.

01:35:49.000 You want to do a long week.

01:35:49.000 Thursday, bitch.

01:35:52.000 Who's coming Thursday?

01:35:53.000 Why don't you have all of us up?

01:35:54.000 Because I got to work all this week.

01:35:56.000 I'm back to the grind.

01:35:57.000 I'm back to Fear Factor.

01:35:59.000 You got your family up there.

01:36:00.000 I got them doing every day this week because Friday we're bolting to Milwaukee for this Papst Theater.

01:36:08.000 That's August 13th, Milwaukee Papst Theater.

01:36:11.000 Me and Joe Diaz.

01:36:12.000 Tickets are almost sold out.

01:36:13.000 Get in it, bitches. 1.00

01:36:14.000 Don't sleep.

01:36:16.000 I'm looking forward to that.

01:36:17.000 We're going to have a good time.

01:36:18.000 I've been looking forward.

01:36:18.000 Can't wait.

01:36:19.000 When was the last time we did a gig?

01:36:20.000 Was it Vegas?

01:36:21.000 No, we just did Irvine.

01:36:23.000 Pasadena.

01:36:23.000 Oh, no, no.

01:36:25.000 We did the Irvine and Pasadena.

01:36:26.000 I still got an email.

01:36:27.000 But the last theater we did, I'm thinking.

01:36:30.000 Last theater we did on the road.

01:36:31.000 Pittsburgh.

01:36:32.000 Oh, Pittsburgh was fucking awesome.

01:36:35.000 Yeah, that library used to be a library.

01:36:38.000 Fucking great.

01:36:38.000 Yeah, Carnegie Library, Music Hall.

01:36:41.000 Fucking place was awesome.

01:36:42.000 Pittsburgh is great.

01:36:43.000 It's one of the things we were saying.

01:36:44.000 It's one of the most underrated fucking cities.

01:36:47.000 We didn't like it when we did that improv.

01:36:49.000 I didn't go with you that time.

01:36:50.000 I had been there before.

01:36:51.000 I used to go to the funnyball and it was okay.

01:36:52.000 I like the Chinese food as well.

01:36:54.000 When we were there, though, one of the reasons why we didn't like it is because apparently there was some fucking sports thing going on.

01:37:00.000 They're really loyal to their teams.

01:37:03.000 And when you got like a big game going on, nobody wants to go to see nothing.

01:37:06.000 And even people that bought tickets didn't come to the show because it was some big sports game, some football game or I don't know what the fuck it was.

01:37:14.000 That team is in first place in baseball.

01:37:16.000 And you know what?

01:37:16.000 Didn't they win the World Series or something?

01:37:19.000 This year?

01:37:20.000 No, no, no.

01:37:20.000 Yeah.

01:37:21.000 But right now they're Super Bowl?

01:37:23.000 What did they do?

01:37:24.000 Steelers?

01:37:24.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:37:26.000 How funny is that?

01:37:26.000 I can't remember who won.

01:37:27.000 We don't know shit about sports.

01:37:29.000 I can't fucking remember.

01:37:30.000 Are you trying to be funny, Brian?

01:37:32.000 Cricket doesn't.

01:37:32.000 They don't play cricket in America.

01:37:33.000 Yeah, you know.

01:37:34.000 You know that, you fuck.

01:37:34.000 I've been drinking that because I'm not sure.

01:37:36.000 It's empty.

01:37:36.000 There's nothing in there, bro.

01:37:37.000 I drank this fucking coffee.

01:37:39.000 Yeah, you ate 50 of those fucking cough drops.

01:37:40.000 They make you thirsty.

01:37:41.000 Do they?

01:37:44.000 What's up, B?

01:37:45.000 Science.

01:37:46.000 Fucking birthday boys in the room and shit.

01:37:48.000 I got peed on today.

01:37:49.000 By who?

01:37:50.000 We were having sex, and she accidentally peed for the first time ever when coming. 0.61

01:37:54.000 And it was like, I felt it going down my leg.

01:37:56.000 I'm like, wait, that's not normal.

01:37:58.000 And she's like, oh my God, I think it is pee.

01:38:00.000 Have you ever had that happen to you?

01:38:01.000 You might be dating a retarded girl, are you? 1.00

01:38:03.000 No, she said that she just didn't even.

01:38:05.000 Why do you always go?

01:38:06.000 Suck it up. 0.94

01:38:07.000 I've noticed every time I say something, you automatically get angry at me.

01:38:10.000 That's not angry.

01:38:12.000 Well, you say a lot of silly.

01:38:13.000 You say a lot of silly shit, and I'm making fun of it.

01:38:16.000 Okay, it's not called defensive.

01:38:18.000 I pissed on myself the other day, bro.

01:38:18.000 That's not defensive.

01:38:20.000 Are you mad that I'm not?

01:38:21.000 No, no, I just noticed every time I say something, like anytime I say anything, you always get angry.

01:38:26.000 You get angry, but you say some ridiculous shit, dude.

01:38:28.000 What's those pills you got?

01:38:30.000 It's not angry, but if I'm mocking you or clowning at you, it's like you can't just say ridiculous shit and have me not say anything.

01:38:36.000 Yeah, but a lot of times I say something you think is ridiculous.

01:38:39.000 Like hash is actually resin.

01:38:41.000 Well, it's not resin.

01:38:42.000 Resin is when you make it.

01:38:43.000 That's how one of the ways they make it is resin.

01:38:46.000 That's not hash.

01:38:47.000 Hash is, there's a process to make hash.

01:38:49.000 It doesn't involve burning it.

01:38:51.000 Resin is when you scrape a pipe.

01:38:53.000 That's what resin is.

01:38:54.000 Hash resin is a different process.

01:38:57.000 It's not the resin of like smoking.

01:38:59.000 There's multiple ways to make it, but one of the ways to make hash is resin.

01:39:04.000 One of the ways to make hash is scraping resin off a pipe, like that kind of resin?

01:39:08.000 I don't know if that's the way that you.

01:39:10.000 I think neither one of us know enough about how to make hash to say.

01:39:13.000 They make process and shit, and they take the THC or somebody.

01:39:17.000 But dude, you're pretending that you don't say silly shit on purpose, like you're playing a role, and I mock you for it.

01:39:23.000 And now all of a sudden, as an example, me saying I have to say that.

01:39:25.000 You're saying you're just upset because you love this girl.

01:39:27.000 And I said, no, no, no, no.

01:39:28.000 I mean, I'm just saying in general, every time I say something, you get really angry at me.

01:39:31.000 I don't get really angry, but you do say...

01:39:34.000 No, I say I notice it all the time.

01:39:36.000 Okay, well, I notice you say ridiculous shit all the time, and I clown you for it.

01:39:41.000 But that doesn't mean that I'm really angry at you.

01:39:44.000 No, I know, I know, but why does it, every time I say something, you always have to completely bash it down?

01:39:47.000 That was barely bashing it. 0.62

01:39:48.000 Your girl pissed all over you. 0.63

01:39:50.000 I'm saying she had an orgasm, and she's never done this before, but she peed at the same time. 0.97

01:39:56.000 And she was like, whoa, this is crazy.

01:39:58.000 You don't think that it's appropriate to say, hmm, you might be dating a retarded girl? 1.00

01:40:01.000 That's a joke.

01:40:02.000 That's a joke, dude.

01:40:03.000 Obviously.

01:40:03.000 I think it's an appropriate thing.

01:40:04.000 You know, I like that girlfriend. 1.00

01:40:05.000 She's a nice person.

01:40:07.000 What?

01:40:07.000 You follow the same thing.

01:40:08.000 Yeah, what's wrong with that?

01:40:09.000 Just, you know, she's your girlfriend, bro.

01:40:11.000 Nobody should know about this shit unless you're 10.

01:40:13.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:40:13.000 Yeah.

01:40:14.000 You follow what I'm saying?

01:40:15.000 Nothing wrong there, but Brian, you can't.

01:40:16.000 You don't have to talk about your girlfriend.

01:40:17.000 You get defensive.

01:40:19.000 The reason why I did this because in the past we've talked about where girls are really juicy and we said that it is a pee or not. 1.00

01:40:28.000 And I actually said, no, it's not.

01:40:30.000 I just know girls that have done that before. 0.97

01:40:32.000 But when she did it, it felt like she was coming like crazy, like I've experienced before.

01:40:36.000 But when I smelled it, it was 100% pee.

01:40:39.000 So with other girls that squirted, it smelled different. 0.85

01:40:39.000 Hmm. 0.85

01:40:42.000 So this time you smelled it.

01:40:43.000 I actually smelled it because it was just like, whoa, why is it all over my body?

01:40:47.000 Does she have asparagus? 1.00

01:40:49.000 No.

01:40:50.000 Is there anything else that definitely makes your pea smell?

01:40:52.000 Pineapples.

01:40:53.000 It makes it smell good or something.

01:40:53.000 Pineapples?

01:40:55.000 It tastes good.

01:40:55.000 Your loads.

01:40:57.000 Pineapples are supposed to make your loads taste good, but that's what I hear.

01:41:00.000 But pea, the smell of pea, it's always asparagus, right?

01:41:03.000 That's the number one thing.

01:41:04.000 If you thought of, like, if I said, what makes your pea stink?

01:41:07.000 You'd say asparagus.

01:41:09.000 There's nothing else.

01:41:10.000 Vitamin C. Vitamin C. Yeah, if you have vitamin C, that's what it makes it bright orange.

01:41:15.000 And bright orange.

01:41:16.000 Well, all vitamins make your pea bright.

01:41:19.000 I mean, maybe it is the vitamin C. I think it's vitamin C. Now, is it the more you dehydrate it, the yellow your piss gets?

01:41:25.000 Or if you have a lot of vitamins.

01:41:25.000 Yes.

01:41:27.000 If you take a lot of vitamins, that's why people say, oh, why do you take vitamins?

01:41:30.000 It comes out in your pee.

01:41:31.000 No, some of it does come out in your pee and it makes your pee a different color, but a lot of it affects your body in a positive way.

01:41:36.000 That's like one of the weakest arguments ever.

01:41:38.000 Like you shouldn't take vitamins, just pee them out.

01:41:40.000 I've heard people say that so many times.

01:41:42.000 Like, Jesus Christ, are you really going into every cell and monitoring how your nutrients are distributed?

01:41:47.000 And you know for sure it all goes out in your urine.

01:41:50.000 You lazy fuck.

01:41:51.000 You're so lazy you won't even take vitamins.

01:41:53.000 I've talked to so many people like that and they say, well, I'd like to take vitamins.

01:41:56.000 I just can't be bothered.

01:41:57.000 Like you can't be bothered to stick a pill in your mouth and drink.

01:42:00.000 How hard is it?

01:42:01.000 You're eating.

01:42:02.000 You're eating all this food.

01:42:03.000 How hard is it to remember to put something in your mouth and drink and then you're healthier?

01:42:07.000 You get nutrients that you're not getting from your diet.

01:42:09.000 There's things that I do like that all the time that I'm like, that is so dumb that I don't do like floss.

01:42:13.000 I should like I hate flossing to death, but it's so easy.

01:42:16.000 It takes what, two minutes to floss your teeth, but I can't do it.

01:42:19.000 Like my body won't let me floss.

01:42:22.000 I try it out for a couple of days and then I just hate it.

01:42:25.000 I think we're programmed in a certain way by the way we were raised and there's a lot of shit that people got on you when you were a little kid that you still to this day don't want to fucking do because your parents told you to do it.

01:42:36.000 I have this problem with work, man.

01:42:38.000 I don't like doing things that are work.

01:42:40.000 You know, I don't mind doing things that are for me.

01:42:43.000 Like I could work forever on, I can train, I can, you know, write, I can, you know, work on things, I can draw, I can work forever on things that I want to do.

01:42:52.000 But if someone tells me I'm supposed to do something, I have a hard time.

01:42:56.000 I have a hard time showing up for things on time.

01:42:58.000 I don't want to.

01:42:59.000 It's like part of me that wants to resist being on time and part of me that wants to resist doing work.

01:43:04.000 And I know it's from growing up.

01:43:07.000 It's from growing up being forced to work, growing up being forced to, you know, like to say the thought of work is dreariness and going to work is you're going to be miserable and you're going to have to contain your emotions and contain your disdain for what you're doing and just force yourself to follow through.

01:43:23.000 And I think that's a lot of us.

01:43:24.000 It's like shit like brushing your teeth.

01:43:26.000 Like brushing your teeth is great, you know, but when you're a little kid, man, everybody told you to brush your teeth, so it's annoying.

01:43:32.000 So you're like, fuck you.

01:43:33.000 I'm an adult.

01:43:34.000 I'm going to go to sleep with fucking shit stuck in my teeth.

01:43:34.000 I'm going to eat.

01:43:38.000 Fuck you.

01:43:39.000 You know, you do it on purpose.

01:43:39.000 Right.

01:43:41.000 You spite yourself by rebelling from your childhood.

01:43:44.000 And Joey, I mean, you grew up in the craziest way possible.

01:43:48.000 You grew up, you were sort of taken in by your neighbors, right?

01:43:51.000 Yeah, but when I was, that was till I was 15.

01:43:54.000 I come from a house where I was like, I come from a house where my mother told me once to get in the shower and brush my teeth, dog.

01:43:59.000 And if not, you got to fucking smack to that.

01:44:02.000 But once you got out of there, though, once my mother died at 15, I moved with other people that were neighbors.

01:44:08.000 When I met you, this is let me tell you something about when I met you.

01:44:11.000 You know, when I met you, like, you know, I've known a lot of wild motherfuckers my whole life. 0.98

01:44:18.000 And one of the things I said, I've said this about you on stage, and it's true.

01:44:21.000 Like, one of the things I love about hanging out with you is that there's a lot of people think there's rules to the way you're supposed to behave and live and think.

01:44:29.000 And then you meet somebody and you go, hey, wait, wait, this guy's not following any rules.

01:44:32.000 I'm going to go follow him for a minute.

01:44:34.000 Where you going?

01:44:34.000 Hey, where'd you come up with this idea?

01:44:36.000 Why are you doing this?

01:44:37.000 You just pulled your dick out. 0.86

01:44:39.000 You're going to go to jail.

01:44:40.000 Are you smoking pot out in public?

01:44:42.000 There's some people that, you know, when I grew up, I grew up very disciplined because I was a martial arts competitor.

01:44:48.000 And from age 15 to 21, my life was very, very disciplined.

01:44:54.000 I didn't drink.

01:44:55.000 I ate healthy foods.

01:44:56.000 I trained all the time.

01:44:58.000 And the reason why I didn't drink, very rarely, I might have smoked pot five times in my whole life from the time I was like, you know, 10 to the time I was like 21.

01:45:07.000 Maybe six at the most.

01:45:09.000 I might have got drunk three or four times because I was always worried about going to the gym the next day and getting fucked up.

01:45:16.000 I was always worried like if I got drunk and then four weeks from now I have a fight.

01:45:20.000 What if I get my ass kicked in a fight that I would have won if I didn't get drunk on that one day?

01:45:25.000 So I would think like that.

01:45:26.000 So I was super disciplined.

01:45:27.000 And then I met my friend Johnny B and met my friend Johnny when I had gone from being a comedian or from being a fighter to being a comedian.

01:45:36.000 There was this drastic shift and drastic shift in the human beings that I was around.

01:45:40.000 So I was around all these wild motherfuckers, but they were fighters. 1.00

01:45:44.000 There were wild motherfuckers who were fighting in tournaments and kickboxing. 0.99

01:45:48.000 And I knew dudes that would like fight in different tournaments just for a goof.

01:45:52.000 I knew dudes that would just go to a judo tournament.

01:45:55.000 They didn't even practice judo.

01:45:56.000 They would fight in karate tournaments.

01:45:57.000 They weren't karate fighters.

01:45:58.000 They were, you know, they were Taekwondo no guys.

01:46:00.000 They would just go and just try it out.

01:46:01.000 They would do wild dudes who just would take chances and start boxing.

01:46:05.000 Yeah, I've been boxing.

01:46:06.000 I'm hanging out with this gym in South Boston.

01:46:08.000 I started boxing.

01:46:09.000 Like, you know, this guy started wrestling.

01:46:10.000 I mean, I knew a lot of dudes who did a lot of wild shit, but it was always wild, like martial arts type shit.

01:46:17.000 It was crazy and dangerous, but it was a discipline sort of a crazy dangerous.

01:46:22.000 And then when I started hanging around with comedians, then all of a sudden I was hanging out with these wild fucks who were different.

01:46:28.000 It was a different kind of wild fuck.

01:46:30.000 There was like insecure and needy, but they would get drunk and fucked up and dudes would do dangerous shit.

01:46:36.000 And, you know, it was a weird kind of human being.

01:46:40.000 It was a different kind of human being than I was ever around.

01:46:42.000 A lot of partiers, a lot of people doing cocaine, people getting nuts.

01:46:45.000 And then I met my friend Johnny.

01:46:46.000 And that was the total other end of the craziness.

01:46:50.000 I mean, stand-up comedy was a craziness, but they ain't no crazier than a person who's a professional pool hustler.

01:46:56.000 And that was my friend Johnny.

01:46:58.000 My friend Johnny, when I met him, had nowhere to live, had nowhere to stay, did not know where he was.

01:47:03.000 He didn't have a dime in his pocket.

01:47:04.000 Maybe if he had $5, he was playing someone for that $5.

01:47:07.000 And that was all the money he had in the world.

01:47:09.000 And he played with a house cue or, you know, sometimes he had his own cue.

01:47:13.000 But, I mean, this dude was living wild, like completely wild.

01:47:18.000 And when I met you, and I'm, you know, he was my friend, my best friend for years.

01:47:22.000 And, you know, he died in, I think it was like, shit.

01:47:26.000 98, 98.

01:47:27.000 Yeah.

01:47:27.000 Somewhere around that.

01:47:29.000 And I remember when I met you at the comedy store, I remember meeting you and it's probably around that same year, somewhere around that same time.

01:47:38.000 I remember, look at this motherfucker.

01:47:39.000 Here's another one.

01:47:40.000 Like, here's another dude just out there wild in the streets.

01:47:44.000 You had a pager.

01:47:45.000 Sometimes you had a pager.

01:47:46.000 You had a pager.

01:47:47.000 No, I had a pager the whole time.

01:47:48.000 The same pink fucking pager.

01:47:50.000 I got it from J and JBP.

01:47:52.000 You got this pager?

01:47:52.000 What year was this?

01:47:53.000 and I held on to that page until 2004.

01:48:02.000 You never knew where Joey was.

01:48:04.000 My rules, bitch. 1.00

01:48:05.000 You never knew where Joey was.

01:48:07.000 And my friend Johnny had a pager, too.

01:48:09.000 That's how you got a hold of him.

01:48:10.000 But that was back when nobody had a cell phone.

01:48:12.000 But through all the years of cell phones, Joey never had a cell phone.

01:48:15.000 Joey didn't get a cell phone until like 2004.

01:48:18.000 Right, 2004?

01:48:19.000 First check from Spider-Man 2.

01:48:20.000 You got a cell phone.

01:48:21.000 They talked me into going to get Sam Raimi and Spider-Man 2 was like, though, yeah, I got a cell phone.

01:48:26.000 Yeah, Joey didn't have a cell phone.

01:48:28.000 He was living on different people's couches.

01:48:30.000 Sleeping in a car until he got towed.

01:48:32.000 Yeah.

01:48:32.000 Fucking going on the road with no clothes, just fucking living off of fucking advances.

01:48:38.000 And by the way, he's doing comedy back then and he wasn't good.

01:48:42.000 You weren't good.

01:48:44.000 You were a different comedian, man.

01:48:46.000 And I always say that there's never a person that I've ever seen make the switch, flip the switch, and go from a guy who wasn't doing well on stage to a guy who was just destroying.

01:48:58.000 I lost my inhibitions.

01:48:59.000 I lost.

01:49:00.000 But it was amazing.

01:49:01.000 It was because one of the things that was holding me down was going on with my daughter.

01:49:05.000 It was really holding me down on who I was.

01:49:07.000 I kept thinking I was doing the wrong choice.

01:49:10.000 So until I committed to doing comedy and being a broke fucking comic, the way you're supposed to commit yourself to anything you dive into, I couldn't be good because I kept thinking anytime I was going to go back to Colorado to be a dad.

01:49:24.000 That's what I kept thinking.

01:49:25.000 I'm like, I can't be doing this shit.

01:49:26.000 I'm a dad.

01:49:27.000 But this is what was pulling me.

01:49:29.000 I had nothing there with my daughter.

01:49:31.000 I wanted to raise my daughter my way.

01:49:32.000 knew how I was going to raise a daughter.

01:49:34.000 I was going to raise a daughter and she didn't grow up like these fucking dumb women, you see, that have dignity and they have fucking respect the same way my mother. 1.00

01:49:40.000 That's why I don't do what other people do, a beat to the drum, because that's how my mother raised me, dog, to beat to my own fucking drum.

01:49:47.000 If you don't like something, say it.

01:49:49.000 And I was going to raise my daughter.

01:49:51.000 But the whole time, I thought I was going to come to LA and anytime I was going to go back and get an apartment in Boulder, so I wasn't committed.

01:49:57.000 One day, I fucking got a thing that she wanted to change her name. 0.99

01:50:00.000 And the mother called me with some bullshit story and I had to be this nice person.

01:50:05.000 I don't like being nice if I don't have to, bro.

01:50:08.000 That's why I've changed so much, especially after the blow.

01:50:10.000 I don't take nothing from nobody now.

01:50:12.000 Nothing.

01:50:13.000 You can't get away with nothing.

01:50:15.000 Nothing.

01:50:16.000 So what you're saying is...

01:50:17.000 Because I let my inhibitions go.

01:50:18.000 To be a good comedian, you got to...

01:50:20.000 I wasn't committed, dog.

01:50:21.000 That's what it really was.

01:50:23.000 Fuck the inhibitions.

01:50:24.000 I wasn't committed.

01:50:25.000 I thought I wanted to be a dad.

01:50:26.000 I wanted to be a dad.

01:50:27.000 I wanted to be a dad.

01:50:28.000 But they weren't opening up the door for me.

01:50:30.000 I couldn't run that shit.

01:50:32.000 if I didn't like what do you mean like let's drink now by the way this is where it all goes to right now we're gonna straighten this out this thing that happened in Denver she threw me out because a lot of people have been twittering me what happened for sexual harassment what are you talking about the thing that the club the comedy works okay because a lot of people have no idea what you're talking about because last week a couple people asked me Joey Here's, I'll fill you in.

01:50:52.000 Joey Diaz has never been able to work with me at the Comedy Works in Denver.

01:50:55.000 And people always ask, when is Joey Diaz coming?

01:50:57.000 Why can't you bring Joey Diaz to the Comedy Works?

01:51:00.000 He has never been allowed to do that ever since I've been performing that.

01:51:03.000 So she told a bunch of people who was.

01:51:04.000 The woman who owns the club. 1.00

01:51:05.000 Right.

01:51:05.000 And what happened was some girl ran down and jumped.

01:51:08.000 And when I went to grab her, I grabbed her ass. 1.00

01:51:10.000 There was a kid there that was like in the same league as me.

01:51:13.000 We were starting to get star spots.

01:51:15.000 And he was kind of weird about it.

01:51:16.000 Star spots?

01:51:17.000 That's what they call them, guest spots at the Comedy Works in those days.

01:51:19.000 That's when you did Thursday.

01:51:21.000 You were good enough to do Thursday, Wednesday, and Tuesday.

01:51:23.000 And we do like 10 minutes?

01:51:24.000 Right, 10 minutes, and you get off.

01:51:26.000 And Wendy liked me.

01:51:26.000 Wendy likes Italian guys.

01:51:28.000 You know, she likes East Coast.

01:51:30.000 She likes Rocky, whatever, LaPorte.

01:51:32.000 She likes those guys.

01:51:34.000 So she kind of liked me, and this guy kept seeing it.

01:51:36.000 And one day I hear that I'm supposed to open up for George Lopez.

01:51:39.000 I got a call from Wendy.

01:51:41.000 I did sexual harassment.

01:51:42.000 I'm like, I didn't do no sexual harassment.

01:51:43.000 He goes, well, the girl, what girl?

01:51:45.000 Came in here.

01:51:46.000 So I got the whole story.

01:51:48.000 A bunch of comics had seen the girl jump into me and me grab her ass. 1.00

01:51:52.000 We were partying.

01:51:53.000 It's like us being at the store and Katie seeing you and running to you.

01:51:56.000 And when she jumps at you, your reaction is to grab her.

01:51:59.000 So the girl didn't say nothing that night.

01:52:01.000 She didn't say nothing.

01:52:01.000 We kept drinking and we did a couple lines.

01:52:04.000 Three days later, she was decided it was sexual harassment because one of the comedians talked her into it.

01:52:09.000 He's like, dog, that was sexual harassment.

01:52:11.000 You should call Wendy.

01:52:12.000 So she called, that's what happened.

01:52:14.000 That's all it was?

01:52:15.000 That's all it was.

01:52:16.000 And even now, but that's not even what it was.

01:52:18.000 Is that sexual harassment?

01:52:20.000 What is sexual harassment?

01:52:21.000 Sexual harassment is whatever you want.

01:52:22.000 What's the definition of it, though?

01:52:24.000 I always assume that it's someone who has power over someone and like a boss that's like saying stupid sexual shit to an employee. 0.99

01:52:24.000 Isn't it? 0.99

01:52:33.000 Any unwanted sexuality. 0.96

01:52:35.000 But the fact that she ran towards him went over.

01:52:37.000 rent.

01:52:37.000 So the thing was...

01:52:40.000 It doesn't really matter.

01:52:41.000 It doesn't really matter.

01:52:42.000 The girl complained. 1.00

01:52:43.000 The fucking buddy told her and Wendy shit and told me I couldn't come in no more.

01:52:47.000 And that was it?

01:52:48.000 You know what, though?

01:52:48.000 You know what?

01:52:49.000 And then you went on the radio and then you sat on the radio.

01:52:51.000 You know what?

01:52:52.000 I'm a thief.

01:52:53.000 I'll fucking shoot you if I have to.

01:52:54.000 I'm not a sexual predator.

01:52:56.000 So for that fat cunt to say something like that is fucking wrong.

01:52:59.000 But let me give you the flip side.

01:53:00.000 She's still stuck with her fat ass in Denman. 1.00

01:53:02.000 I'm here living my fucking life.

01:53:03.000 So she did me a favor.

01:53:05.000 The best thing about what was going on in that, I was going to kill my ex-wife and her husband.

01:53:09.000 I wasn't going to kill him.

01:53:10.000 I was already content to get a fax machine and write jokes for fucking Leno.

01:53:15.000 They weren't going to prison what they were doing for my daughter.

01:53:18.000 I was going to have my buddies chipping $10.

01:53:20.000 I was going to have him get me a fax machine.

01:53:20.000 It was $94.

01:53:22.000 And I was going to be in jail writing jokes for Leno.

01:53:24.000 I already had it planned.

01:53:26.000 Really?

01:53:26.000 And one day I actually caught myself saying, all right, I'll just kill him because I can't kill her.

01:53:32.000 I know what it is to live without a fucking mother.

01:53:34.000 So I can't kill the mother.

01:53:36.000 And I said, no, I'll just kill him.

01:53:37.000 And I went down there one day with a fucking butcher nice just to wrap him up at lunch.

01:53:41.000 You don't know me, dude.

01:53:42.000 When I get a beef up my ass, I took a butcher and I smacked him with two felonies.

01:53:46.000 I had two felonies in Boulder.

01:53:48.000 And he called, I picked up my daughter at the datecare.

01:53:51.000 My daughter got in the car and we're driving.

01:53:52.000 And she goes, Daddy, what's a spick? 0.82

01:53:54.000 And I go, where'd you hear that?

01:53:55.000 And she goes, whenever you call the house, that's what John says.

01:53:58.000 Go, close the fucking door. 0.60

01:54:00.000 Watch where the spick is.

01:54:00.000 Close the door.

01:54:01.000 I drove her the safe way.

01:54:02.000 Remember, you know, you never go out of the baseline in 28th Street.

01:54:05.000 That's where I had to return her.

01:54:06.000 I used to get my daughter on Sundays and Wednesdays.

01:54:09.000 So this one Wednesday, I pull over my little girl in the car.

01:54:11.000 She's got her little princess.

01:54:12.000 How old was she? 0.89

01:54:13.000 Three, maybe four.

01:54:15.000 I get out of the car and I go, what did he say?

01:54:17.000 She goes, spick, daddy. 1.00

01:54:18.000 What does that mean?

01:54:20.000 I get out of the car.

01:54:21.000 I go up to him.

01:54:21.000 I go, let me ask you something, John.

01:54:23.000 Did you say spick in front of my daughter?

01:54:24.000 And he goes, no, I didn't.

01:54:26.000 I go, well, she's three and she's never been to New York.

01:54:29.000 So you got some explaining to do.

01:54:31.000 And he goes, well, I didn't say it, Joe.

01:54:33.000 I go, well, you got a problem.

01:54:34.000 Just tell me you said it and we'll end this.

01:54:37.000 But if you keep sitting there telling me you didn't say this, I'm going to fucking knock you out.

01:54:41.000 So one more time, did you say spick in front of my daughter? 1.00

01:54:44.000 And he said, no.

01:54:45.000 Joe Rogan, I lit this motherfucker up right there in the Safeway parking lot with two shots for the fucking head. 0.80

01:54:50.000 Ba-bam! 0.99

01:54:51.000 Ba-bam! 0.99

01:54:52.000 People are yelling, leave him alone.

01:54:52.000 Blood.

01:54:54.000 I'm like, fuck you, bitch. 1.00

01:54:55.000 But in the middle of all this, in the middle of all this, I turn around, look at the car, and I see my little three-year-old princess crying.

01:55:02.000 She was scared.

01:55:03.000 And I looked, and when I was five and six, I see my stepdad blast motherfuckers with his pure fucking hands on the street. 0.97

01:55:10.000 I seen him shoot a guy on 148th Street when I was eight.

01:55:13.000 To me, I was raised.

01:55:14.000 I was a fucking animal.

01:55:15.000 I didn't want my daughter to go through that, bro.

01:55:17.000 At this time already, she was already seeing this shit.

01:55:20.000 Now I smack this fucking dude.

01:55:32.000 Really?

01:55:33.000 Yeah.

01:55:34.000 So because he called you a spic, you were allowed to beat him up.

01:55:37.000 He went to court the next day with the black eye and the court, the judge even said to him, next time you call somebody a fucking racial epitaph, you got one coming.

01:55:37.000 One clean one.

01:55:45.000 All because of J.J. Flanagan, 1987, a football player.

01:55:48.000 In the early, in the late 80s, they had a lot of problems in Boulder with the black football players.

01:55:52.000 They were up there fucking those white chicks three at a time, banging them. 1.00

01:55:57.000 J.J. Flanagan, Knavis McGee.

01:55:59.000 And one kid said something to J.J. Flanagan, called him a nigga, and he smacked him.

01:56:03.000 The kid's eye fucking flew out.

01:56:05.000 Kid's fucking eye flew out of his fucking head.

01:56:08.000 I flew out of his fucking head.

01:56:10.000 So something happened after that.

01:56:12.000 They made it to J.J. Flanagan law that you can't say a racial epithet.

01:56:17.000 They sided with him?

01:56:19.000 Well, they didn't side with him, but that's just a fucking word, man.

01:56:22.000 Yeah, I agree.

01:56:22.000 Don't say it.

01:56:23.000 It's not nice.

01:56:24.000 So that's what I want to get to.

01:56:25.000 Eyeball knocked out.

01:56:26.000 So at the time, I was going to kill my ex-wife and her fucking boyfriend.

01:56:29.000 Okay.

01:56:31.000 At the time, I'm going to kill these motherfuckers, Jordan. 1.00

01:56:33.000 I'm telling you, this is as sincerity as my heart.

01:56:36.000 Nobody was going to fuck with me.

01:56:37.000 That's the way my mother raised me.

01:56:38.000 So this is after he called you a spec, you wanted to kill him?

01:56:40.000 I was still going to hunt them down.

01:56:42.000 I still had a plan to hunt them down.

01:56:43.000 I was going to hunt them down.

01:56:45.000 So what was going on?

01:56:47.000 You broke up with your wife?

01:56:48.000 Me and my wife broke up.

01:56:49.000 And then this new guy came in the pitch.

01:56:50.000 I was going to go to the middle of them against my wishes and whatnot.

01:56:53.000 She told me she wasn't going to date nobody for me not to date nobody.

01:56:56.000 I got into comedy.

01:56:57.000 And then one day she came to me when I had a conference at the broker and she goes, I was late four hours because I had a date, and that's how the war started.

01:57:04.000 And she moved my daughter in there, and this is how the war started.

01:57:07.000 Where I come from, you can't move my daughter into somewhere, though.

01:57:11.000 Into some man's house.

01:57:12.000 So, she, if she's with your daughter, you think she should have been by herself forever?

01:57:16.000 No, you come to me and talk to me like a man. 0.82

01:57:19.000 You're gonna move my daughter into another man's house. 1.00

01:57:22.000 You understand me?

01:57:24.000 Give me the hunt.

01:57:24.000 I don't.

01:57:25.000 It's tricky.

01:57:25.000 I know.

01:57:26.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:57:27.000 It's not tricky.

01:57:28.000 That's my daughter.

01:57:28.000 I pay child support.

01:57:30.000 Before you move into another motherfucker's house. 1.00

01:57:33.000 And don't say tricky because if it happens to you, you understand the feeling.

01:57:35.000 Still tricky.

01:57:36.000 You don't know the feeling when you pick up your daughter.

01:57:38.000 I'm sure she smells like another man. 0.99

01:57:39.000 So nobody can judge me on this.

01:57:41.000 Nobody.

01:57:42.000 I don't ever want to hear it from nobody.

01:57:43.000 Because until you know that feeling, don't you ever say nothing to me.

01:57:47.000 Ever.

01:57:48.000 Until you know the feeling when you pick up your fucking daughter and she smells like another man. 0.97

01:57:52.000 Shoey, I'm sure. 0.55

01:57:53.000 Then somebody can say something to me.

01:57:55.000 But until then, don't ever say fucking something like that.

01:57:58.000 Yeah, but this woman is allowed to live her life right now. 1.00

01:58:00.000 Yeah, she's allowed to live her life. 1.00

01:58:01.000 So you think she's got to get your permission from your daughter in with a man? 1.00

01:58:04.000 What do you think?

01:58:05.000 She's raising the girl.

01:58:06.000 That's where it gets tricky.

01:58:09.000 So what does that mean?

01:58:10.000 She's just joint fucking custody. 1.00

01:58:12.000 It still costs money to raise the kid.

01:58:13.000 If she lives with a guy.

01:58:15.000 I understand.

01:58:15.000 But I'm paying child support.

01:58:17.000 I don't know how that works.

01:58:19.000 What do you mean?

01:58:20.000 A woman cannot just move your daughter in with a man. 1.00

01:58:22.000 Is it legal?

01:58:24.000 It's us.

01:58:25.000 You just can't wake up one day and your daughter moves a fucking customer. 0.99

01:58:29.000 Her rights.

01:58:29.000 What are her rights?

01:58:30.000 Her legal rights.

01:58:31.000 No, no, I didn't call Perry Mason.

01:58:33.000 I'm from the street of rights.

01:58:34.000 I come to you like a man.

01:58:35.000 But you know what I'm saying, Joey?

01:58:36.000 If she doesn't want to deal with you anymore, if she doesn't want to deal with you anymore, she wants to move in with a guy. 1.00

01:58:41.000 She still can't do that.

01:58:42.000 She has to get your permission.

01:58:44.000 You want to do whatever the fuck you want to do, Joe.

01:58:46.000 You do what the fuck you want to do.

01:58:47.000 But you can't take your daughter into some other woman's house without seeing that woman and saying, hey, I got a woman. 1.00

01:58:54.000 And I want to.

01:58:54.000 That's all I'm asking from anybody.

01:58:56.000 Just come look me in the eye.

01:58:56.000 That's it.

01:58:58.000 I don't give me no bullshit, bro.

01:58:59.000 This is, we're men.

01:59:00.000 Don't tell me you gotta ask somebody.

01:59:02.000 If your daughter and your wife are gonna move in with a guy right now, wouldn't you want to come tell you?

01:59:06.000 Of course, listen, fuck you and the law.

01:59:08.000 Jesus Christ, Joey.

01:59:09.000 You're getting in an argument with someone who's not even here.

01:59:09.000 What are you?

01:59:11.000 I'm arguing with society.

01:59:13.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:59:13.000 I understand.

01:59:14.000 It's hard to listen to you.

01:59:15.000 You're saying to me that you're not angry right, Joe.

01:59:17.000 Yeah, you get crazy.

01:59:19.000 Well, a woman has a right to be away from a man. 1.00

01:59:22.000 And what is she going to do if she's raising a kid? 1.00

01:59:25.000 When a woman wants to leave you and suck another dick, that's one thing. 1.00

01:59:28.000 You don't have to tell me nothing.

01:59:30.000 But when you're moving your daughter in there and she's three or four, you got to come to me.

01:59:34.000 Well, I agree that it's got to be a very hairy situation to have some man around your child, especially when you know that he's talking some shit about you and he's not raising your daughter.

01:59:44.000 The situation is before somebody moves your kid in with another person, they should contact the other person and say, hey, I fell in love with somebody.

01:59:44.000 It's terrible.

01:59:53.000 I want to move my kid in there. 0.66

01:59:54.000 But most women make the mistake when they get separated to jump in the sack with somebody just to hurt the other person. 1.00

01:59:59.000 I've seen it a thousand times.

02:00:01.000 Do you think that's why they do it?

02:00:02.000 No, they do it because they want to jump into bed with somebody that, you know, think about all the time.

02:00:07.000 Look at what happened with Dean Kane.

02:00:08.000 His wife jumped into bed with Zulu Nation and he fucking. 1.00

02:00:11.000 Dean Kane.

02:00:12.000 What?

02:00:12.000 Dean Kane came home one day and he didn't know.

02:00:14.000 Who the fuck knows this story?

02:00:15.000 Well, I'm telling you it right now.

02:00:16.000 He's like, it's like, no.

02:00:18.000 Come on, everybody knows the Dean Kane story.

02:00:20.000 George Washington, the apple tree, Dean Kane, Zulu Nation. 0.99

02:00:23.000 He came home one day and his wife had moved the kid in with another guy.

02:00:27.000 He came home and the wife had moved the kid in with another guy.

02:00:30.000 Whatever the fuck.

02:00:31.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:00:31.000 They were separated and she moved in with another fucking guy.

02:00:34.000 He did the same thing.

02:00:35.000 He took the bitch to court and took a fucking Jeep. 1.00

02:00:37.000 He did everything.

02:00:38.000 You cannot.

02:00:39.000 You have to come to me, dog, without the court.

02:00:41.000 See, that's the problem where I lacked.

02:00:43.000 I don't understand court.

02:00:44.000 I don't understand court.

02:00:45.000 We're friends.

02:00:46.000 Don't hit me with court.

02:00:46.000 I know you 20 years.

02:00:48.000 You used to suck my dick and I used to eat your asshole Coke duck. 1.00

02:00:50.000 Whoa.

02:00:52.000 You don't have to go to court.

02:00:53.000 Wow.

02:00:53.000 You have to hear this?

02:00:55.000 Man, I'm missing out all the time.

02:00:57.000 So what I'm trying to say to you is.

02:00:58.000 She's had a good time with Joe Diaz.

02:01:00.000 At this position, at this time in my life, Wendy did me a favor by banning me. 0.81

02:01:05.000 She did me a favor.

02:01:06.000 Because she made you leave Denver. 0.76

02:01:07.000 Yeah, she did me a fucking favor. 0.84

02:01:09.000 Look where I am now with you fucking Momo's, smoking dope, not good dope, but I'm having a good fucking time.

02:01:14.000 The reason this crazy fucking argument with nobody just got started, this story got started.

02:01:19.000 No, it's because of the Paramount Theater.

02:01:21.000 I'm just telling you the truth.

02:01:22.000 September 23rd, Paramount There.

02:01:23.000 Joe Diaz returns to Denver.

02:01:25.000 It's almost sold out though, so hurry up.

02:01:26.000 Yeah, it is.

02:01:27.000 It's almost sold out.

02:01:28.000 Joe Rilla, you asked me what was going on.

02:01:31.000 You asked me, and I'm telling you the fucking story.

02:01:32.000 I didn't know that we were going to get it.

02:01:34.000 No, don't fuck around with people.

02:01:35.000 You want to know, I tell you.

02:01:36.000 This ain't no jokey poos or nothing.

02:01:38.000 Jokey Pooh.

02:01:39.000 And that's what happened with me.

02:01:40.000 So when they came to me and said, you got thrown out of the Denver Comedy Works, I was bummed out for like two weeks.

02:01:46.000 But I knew I was losing the war over there.

02:01:48.000 And I wasn't going to lose that.

02:01:50.000 Well, I'm glad you never killed anybody.

02:01:52.000 I wasn't going to come back with a head.

02:01:53.000 Was there any kind of love interest between you and Wendy at any time?

02:01:57.000 No.

02:01:57.000 You sure?

02:01:58.000 Did you ever kiss her?

02:01:59.000 No.

02:01:59.000 Nothing.

02:02:00.000 Because that's what I heard.

02:02:01.000 I heard that there was some kind of...

02:02:03.000 Where'd you hear that from?

02:02:04.000 He's being a fucking joke.

02:02:05.000 No, you wonder why people yell at you.

02:02:07.000 No, I swear to God.

02:02:08.000 I swear to God that I heard that.

02:02:10.000 What did you hear?

02:02:11.000 I heard that they were kind of fucking around with each other.

02:02:15.000 I don't know who told me, but somebody told me.

02:02:18.000 Nobody told him that.

02:02:18.000 You don't know who told you?

02:02:19.000 He's just trying to be.

02:02:20.000 No, I don't.

02:02:22.000 He's not going nowhere with it.

02:02:23.000 Stop it.

02:02:23.000 It's not cute.

02:02:24.000 It ain't even fucking.

02:02:25.000 I swear to you, Jeff.

02:02:27.000 Ain't even funny.

02:02:28.000 Please, don't let me pull a Rogan on you.

02:02:30.000 It ain't even funny.

02:02:30.000 Stop it.

02:02:32.000 Stop it.

02:02:33.000 People are explaining me hash online, and it is nothing more than compressed Keith or THC extracted from plant material, says Hyfe Tech Con Man.

02:02:43.000 Yeah, but people are also telling me that there's many different kinds of hash, and there's some.

02:02:47.000 Trichombs, and yeah, I guess some people actually do call it resin.

02:02:51.000 It's not resin as I understand resin, I think.

02:02:53.000 I think I think resin is cooked.

02:02:55.000 Tell them about the shit that I was getting with the fucking stamp.

02:02:58.000 Tell them, whoever knows about that shit.

02:03:01.000 It's just like the Olympics.

02:03:03.000 They would stamp it with like, you know, it would be like the medium gray would be bronze, medium would be silver, and the best would be like gold.

02:03:09.000 And then they used to have him have a platinum coating.

02:03:11.000 So that's how you judge hash in the old days when you got it.

02:03:14.000 People would say, dog, I got fucking platinum.

02:03:16.000 You can't get no better than that.

02:03:17.000 So that's the emperor.

02:03:18.000 I'm not kidding.

02:03:19.000 No, these aren't jokes.

02:03:20.000 The emperor, whoever would make the hash before they shipped it over here, they would stamp it for the approval.

02:03:25.000 And that's what you always wanted to get.

02:03:26.000 You always wanted to get the hash with the stamp on it.

02:03:28.000 What I was talking about earlier, Oklahoma.

02:03:30.000 Oklahoma Senate approves life in prison for making hash.

02:03:35.000 If you make hash, they will give you life in prison.

02:03:38.000 That's amazing.

02:03:39.000 It's amazing how stupid they are in Oklahoma.

02:03:42.000 That is so fucking dumb.

02:03:44.000 They think that somehow or another this is some dangerous drug.

02:03:47.000 Who do they think?

02:03:48.000 This is meth?

02:03:49.000 What do you get for making meth in Oklahoma?

02:03:51.000 Because if you get life in jail for, if you get life in jail for making hash, they should shoot everyone you've ever met if you make meth.

02:03:58.000 They should kill you and then shoot everyone you ever met.

02:04:01.000 Everyone you love should die.

02:04:03.000 For hash?

02:04:04.000 How the fuck?

02:04:05.000 Hash has never killed anybody.

02:04:06.000 The only times I've smoked in hash, I'm like, I've just said, wow, I'm really high.

02:04:10.000 That's it.

02:04:11.000 Hash is really good if you work out and you're sore and you eat little pieces of it.

02:04:16.000 Oh, God, the next day you wake up, nothing.

02:04:18.000 Well, there's a beautiful fucking story on a kid who had autism and his parents were giving him hash and it killed his autism.

02:04:26.000 It's amazing.

02:04:27.000 The kid wouldn't interact with anybody.

02:04:28.000 It's the black chick. 1.00

02:04:29.000 I did the best.

02:04:30.000 No, no, no.

02:04:30.000 It was a different one.

02:04:31.000 It's a different one.

02:04:32.000 It was a white kid.

02:04:32.000 It was a guy in Northern California, and he'd cut off a little tiny piece of hash, and he would stick it inside of a melon, and he would give it to his boy.

02:04:39.000 And all of a sudden, his kid was interacting with people.

02:04:41.000 He was calm.

02:04:42.000 He was relaxed.

02:04:43.000 And there was another one with a black kid too, where they're giving him medical marijuana.

02:04:47.000 Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, this shit puts you in life in prison in April 21st of 2011.

02:04:55.000 That's an Oklahoma scene.

02:04:57.000 No.

02:04:57.000 Not anymore.

02:04:58.000 Not anymore.

02:04:59.000 There's certain places.

02:05:00.000 What about flying and somebody else?

02:05:02.000 Now they got to get this test for welfare.

02:05:03.000 I like it.

02:05:04.000 That's a good move.

02:05:05.000 That's a good fucking move.

02:05:07.000 Welfare is such a tricky thing because I love the idea that people can count on people to help them out if something goes wrong.

02:05:15.000 But human nature is a motherfucker.

02:05:17.000 And human nature is if you give people the ability to not work, they're going to take it.

02:05:22.000 You know, they don't pay you nothing.

02:05:24.000 Like, I never understood people who went there and said, I claim craziness.

02:05:28.000 That's $600 a month.

02:05:30.000 So you don't have to work and you're crazy.

02:05:32.000 You're getting $600 a month.

02:05:33.000 You can't live on that.

02:05:34.000 So I don't understand why you're jumping up and fucking down so happy for it.

02:05:38.000 Some people are happy just to not work.

02:05:39.000 $640 a month or something.

02:05:40.000 I just seen it about a year ago on TV.

02:05:42.000 If you claim crazy, it's $60.

02:05:44.000 $640.

02:05:44.000 And those people in that documentary I was talking about earlier.

02:05:46.000 Oh, you've seen that.

02:05:47.000 You've seen that?

02:05:48.000 Yeah.

02:05:48.000 What documentary is that?

02:05:49.000 I think We're Alone.

02:05:50.000 That's how they made their money.

02:05:51.000 They made their money?

02:05:52.000 Yeah, they claim crazy?

02:05:53.000 Yeah, well, because not claiming it because they had that Asperger's or whatever it's called.

02:05:57.000 Asperger's you can get money from?

02:05:59.000 Yeah.

02:06:00.000 Look, I think you should be able to get some money if there's something fucked up with you, and we should help each other out.

02:06:04.000 We should help out our brothers and sisters.

02:06:06.000 The problem is, like I said, about hippies, the problem is it's beautiful if everybody helps.

02:06:12.000 If you've got a circle and everybody's handing out love to the left and like, man, here have some love.

02:06:17.000 It's going to come around back to you.

02:06:18.000 It's all, we're all community, right?

02:06:20.000 But with hippies, a lot of hippies, when they're in a circle and they're handing out love to the left, the love gets to them and they step out of the circle and walk away.

02:06:28.000 And they take that love and they don't pass it around.

02:06:30.000 And they're always taking and not giving.

02:06:32.000 And that's something that happens when you have a welfare situation.

02:06:36.000 You have people who, it's nice if we all help each other out.

02:06:39.000 But some people just, they're greedy and they take that money and they just, they think they somehow or another deserve it.

02:06:45.000 And other people, they use it as a crutch.

02:06:46.000 Well, I don't have to work because now I got money.

02:06:48.000 There's so many flaws in human beings and just human behavior.

02:06:53.000 It's hard to make something like welfare work.

02:06:55.000 It's hard to make it work the way it's supposed to work.

02:06:58.000 Here's the way it's supposed to work, right?

02:07:00.000 Here's the way society is supposed to work.

02:07:02.000 We are supposed to live in tribes of 50 people.

02:07:06.000 That's how it's supposed to work.

02:07:07.000 We're not supposed to be connected, 300 fucking million of us, all in this one patch of dirt.

02:07:13.000 That is preposterous.

02:07:15.000 The idea of a fucking community that has 300 million people of it is ridiculous.

02:07:20.000 Especially when people go all rah-rah bullshit and fucking USA, USA.

02:07:25.000 No, no, no, no.

02:07:26.000 That's crazy.

02:07:27.000 You can't have everybody in.

02:07:28.000 You can't have everybody in the same fucking team.

02:07:31.000 It's not that you should be one community and your community should compete against every other community.

02:07:36.000 You could all be under the same idea or umbrella.

02:07:39.000 But the fact that all people are responsible for all the rest of the people, 300 million, it's too many. 0.66

02:07:47.000 There's too much room for craziness and douchebags and too much neglect.

02:07:51.000 And there's not enough people that have got enough focus or attention.

02:07:53.000 It's just the numbers are too vast for a human being.

02:07:57.000 A human being belongs in a tribe of small people.

02:08:00.000 But the fact that there's so many of us, a small tribe of 50 people, but the fact that there's so many of us that we kind of are forced into this situation where we interact on a daily basis with millions of people that we have no idea who the fuck they are.

02:08:13.000 We don't know anything about them.

02:08:15.000 And yet we're all combined under the same group.

02:08:17.000 That's crazy.

02:08:18.000 That's when welfare becomes nuts because you're getting money from some people.

02:08:21.000 You don't even fucking know these people.

02:08:22.000 Fuck those people.

02:08:23.000 Give me my money.

02:08:24.000 You know, instead of being in a tribe of 50 people, they go, hey, man, why are you doing your work?

02:08:28.000 You need to contribute.

02:08:29.000 We're a part of a community.

02:08:31.000 And then you feel it.

02:08:32.000 You feel that.

02:08:33.000 Yeah, I am slacking.

02:08:34.000 Yeah.

02:08:35.000 If there was 10 people on an island and one person was sitting around, you know, if they all got shipwrecked and one person was sitting around going, yeah, bring me my fish.

02:08:42.000 Yeah, where's my water?

02:08:44.000 You'd go, we got to kill that guy.

02:08:45.000 That guy's not using, he's not helping.

02:08:46.000 You know, he's using up our valuable resources.

02:08:48.000 We have to risk our lives fishing and getting water.

02:08:51.000 And this cunt just sits around doing, you'd want to kill him. 1.00

02:08:53.000 But in a society with 300 million people, it just becomes another thing.

02:08:58.000 Just so easy.

02:08:59.000 Do you know how easy they make it for you?

02:09:02.000 I don't know about now, but because what's going on.

02:09:05.000 But do you know how easy they make it for some people?

02:09:07.000 Just to be able to.

02:09:08.000 I'll tell you how easy it is so you can really shed your pants because I really always drop something on you.

02:09:13.000 When you get out of prison, no matter how old you are, you go in there for a fake amass all over with a DUI.

02:09:20.000 You come out when you're 26.

02:09:21.000 You could do paperwork and claim disability because you're a convicted felon for the rest of your life.

02:09:26.000 What?

02:09:27.000 Disability.

02:09:29.000 How is it a disability that you're a convicted felon?

02:09:31.000 A lot of people say they can't get a job because they're felons.

02:09:34.000 Who's going to hire a felon?

02:09:35.000 So you get disability?

02:09:37.000 You don't have a hired fairy. 0.94

02:09:38.000 They probably just want to keep you from robbing somebody.

02:09:40.000 That's probably the logic.

02:09:43.000 What's the guy going to do if you're on somebody?

02:09:44.000 He's just going to give you a little something.

02:09:46.000 So it was really weird.

02:09:47.000 I remember leaving there.

02:09:48.000 But when my mother died, she worked under her alias.

02:09:52.000 My mother had an alias all those years because after she stabbed the guy in Cuba and she came back, she had to change her name because she came back with her friend's ID.

02:10:00.000 So my Jimmy runs Jeep.

02:10:03.000 It's a real deal.

02:10:04.000 But it was funny that I had a fight for Social Security when my mother died and I was 15.

02:10:09.000 I needed the money.

02:10:10.000 Like I went there 10 times to fight them and oh, we don't know.

02:10:14.000 What the fuck don't you know?

02:10:16.000 They just give me $200.

02:10:17.000 I didn't need the money, Joe.

02:10:18.000 But it was just so weird that finally one day I said, I don't need this.

02:10:21.000 I go steal for a living.

02:10:22.000 I'll go sell drugs. 0.58

02:10:23.000 I never took after all the drama they put me through for Social Security, but they'd give it to me after I got a felony.

02:10:30.000 Just like that.

02:10:30.000 Wow.

02:10:31.000 For the rest of my life.

02:10:32.000 $600 a month that I would get on the fifth of every month.

02:10:36.000 And if you claim that they talk about the different disabilities and the different, you could get up for like $1,200 a month.

02:10:41.000 I wonder if people are ever going to evolve to the point where a society actually can work.

02:10:47.000 If like what our problem is, is that society and cities and these giant ideas of countries, they happen so quickly in the development of the human animal that we haven't really evolved enough with our minds and our behavior to operate, like to operate really in a harmonic way with a society.

02:11:09.000 And that's why there's all this crime and that's why there's all this bullshit.

02:11:13.000 That's why there's all these things that would not be tolerated in the natural group of 50 people that all know each other and love each other and support each other.

02:11:20.000 Like we aren't, we're designed to operate in tribes.

02:11:23.000 It's very obvious.

02:11:24.000 Everybody wants to be on a team.

02:11:25.000 Everybody wants to have a family.

02:11:27.000 Everybody wants to have friends.

02:11:28.000 Everybody wants to have a group.

02:11:29.000 You know, we're the death squad.

02:11:30.000 Look, I mean, we are like a little family.

02:11:32.000 We call ourselves a death squad, all of us together.

02:11:34.000 You know, and the reason why we're caught with Opie from Opie and Anthony named us that in like 19 fucking, whatever the hell it was, 2003 or whatever it was.

02:11:42.000 I came in with Eddie Bravo and Tate and, you know, and he goes, oh, it's Joe Rogan and his death squad.

02:11:48.000 And then we're like, that's hilarious, the death squad, because we were giggling.

02:11:50.000 We're like, call ourselves the death squad.

02:11:52.000 We're the death squad now.

02:11:52.000 And it sounds so stupid.

02:11:54.000 But we call ourselves that.

02:11:55.000 And we have this death squad podcast network and all that.

02:11:58.000 But all this group of comics that we all hang out together, we are like this little tribe.

02:12:03.000 We all like this little family.

02:12:05.000 It's like a natural thing.

02:12:07.000 But it's not natural to do it with 300 million people.

02:12:10.000 If we were all together and we all live together, it would be normal.

02:12:13.000 We all love each other.

02:12:14.000 We all take care of each other.

02:12:16.000 We look out for each other.

02:12:16.000 If something's happening to one of us, we want to help.

02:12:19.000 You know, that's normal shit.

02:12:21.000 I wonder if it's ever going to get to the point where we could operate like that with 300 million people.

02:12:26.000 Because it obviously doesn't work right now.

02:12:28.000 When you have crime and I don't want to say never because I think that human interaction and where we are right now is so different than where it was in the 30s and the 20s and the 50s.

02:12:41.000 And just really 10 years ago, social media and the interaction that we have with human beings today, the interaction that we have on with just with Twitter alone, it's so different than human beings who grew up in a different generation, who didn't have this.

02:12:55.000 And our connection with each other is very different than people that grew up in a different generation.

02:13:01.000 And I think that that's a part of the evolution of the human being.

02:13:04.000 And I think that human beings are slowly trying to figure out how to work together in these big giant ass fucking groups.

02:13:12.000 I don't think it's impossible.

02:13:14.000 It obviously depends on raising children correctly and not developing incredibly fucked up human beings that are a liability. 0.99

02:13:23.000 But that's possible too.

02:13:25.000 You grew up fucked up and you're not a liability.

02:13:27.000 You know, I mean, you think of all the crazy stories you've told just today about wanting to kill people, smacking people, the fact that you're a criminal and a thief and that you've been to jail and all these different things.

02:13:37.000 But yet here you are hanging out at my house.

02:13:39.000 You're one of my best friends.

02:13:40.000 You're very productive.

02:13:41.000 You're a fucking beautiful stand-up comedian.

02:13:42.000 You're a great guy.

02:13:43.000 You got a great podcast.

02:13:45.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:13:46.000 Like you pulled it together to become something different.

02:13:49.000 And Brian, you know, coming from fucking Columbus, Ohio, and working in a fucking gateway and being stuck in this town and, you know, and being surrounded by a bunch of knuckleheads, you've pulled it together.

02:14:00.000 You've become someone different.

02:14:02.000 We all evolve.

02:14:03.000 We all move into some new phase of life and interact with everybody that's around us in a very different way.

02:14:10.000 Is that possible on a mass level?

02:14:13.000 Is that possible as a society that we all hold each other accountable, all of us, individually, and we become 300 million people together?

02:14:22.000 No, no, no.

02:14:23.000 I think it is.

02:14:24.000 We come from a society where people don't give a fuck.

02:14:26.000 We're too fucking selfish.

02:14:27.000 These computers and shit have separated us even more.

02:14:27.000 Some people.

02:14:30.000 I think these connections.

02:14:31.000 These computers have separated us even more.

02:14:33.000 I like human contact.

02:14:34.000 I do too, but I like to do that.

02:14:35.000 I like human contact.

02:14:36.000 This is like computer contact.

02:14:37.000 You know, the other guy I was with.

02:14:38.000 Eddie's good too.

02:14:38.000 And I said to Eddie, Eddie, can you call?

02:14:40.000 Can you take a picture?

02:14:42.000 And this is something that you said to me one night, can you take a picture and put it on Twitter?

02:14:45.000 And Eddie goes, yeah.

02:14:46.000 My wife goes, you could do it too.

02:14:48.000 When I'm out, I'm living my life.

02:14:48.000 And I said, you know what?

02:14:50.000 I don't want to be on a fucking computer when I'm out.

02:14:52.000 That means you're not fucking living.

02:14:53.000 When I'm out of my house, I don't want to see Twitter.

02:14:55.000 I don't want to see Facebook.

02:14:56.000 I don't want to see nothing.

02:14:57.000 I'm living my fucking life.

02:14:58.000 That's what the problem is with people.

02:15:00.000 They're not living no more.

02:15:01.000 They're on these fucking things too much.

02:15:02.000 And it's losing a little bit of human touch.

02:15:04.000 That's what we are losing.

02:15:06.000 That's what I feel.

02:15:06.000 I feel between the taxi and a lot of stuff, it cuts time, but we're losing human contact.

02:15:11.000 It's making us lazy.

02:15:12.000 A couple of years ago, a commercial came out, and it was about a business.

02:15:15.000 And the guy goes, I'm having a meeting.

02:15:16.000 And he started giving away plane tickets.

02:15:19.000 And the people were like, the salesman were like, what's this?

02:15:21.000 And he goes, we've lost our fucking human.

02:15:24.000 Everything is a tweet or a fucking email or something.

02:15:27.000 We're going to go back to belly-to-belly sales to look at people in the fucking eye and talk to people again.

02:15:33.000 And that's, I mean, we're so loose now.

02:15:36.000 This fucking crime, they're jumping up and down in fucking England.

02:15:39.000 Mexico is as volatile as it's ever fucking been.

02:15:42.000 We're in no danger.

02:15:43.000 We can't even drive in fucking Hollywood because people don't even put their fucking blinkers on.

02:15:47.000 They're so selfish.

02:15:48.000 That's the first way of changing, Joe.

02:15:50.000 The way I changed was to start from scratch.

02:15:52.000 If you can't pick up a piece of paper as you're walking, you're not going to change.

02:15:56.000 If you can't, you know, I used to, when I got the longest shot, I used to go to all these meetings in Hollywood.

02:16:00.000 And you go to all these meetings, and every fucking meeting you go to, some dumb motherfucker shows up 20 minutes late and says to you, well, it was the traffic. 0.60

02:16:08.000 Well, motherfucker, you live in L.A. And guess what I started doing, Joe?

02:16:12.000 I started being late.

02:16:13.000 And then Monday I caught myself and I go, you know what?

02:16:16.000 This is what I'm talking about.

02:16:18.000 For me to be a better productive, I have to show people, not tell them, show people.

02:16:23.000 And now when I get to a meeting and you're 20 minutes late, I say something to you, dog.

02:16:27.000 I say something to you because we're men.

02:16:29.000 That's how character.

02:16:31.000 How fucking angry is he today?

02:16:32.000 And never very angry.

02:16:34.000 Very angry.

02:16:34.000 You never let your character ruin your destiny.

02:16:37.000 And it all starts with little things.

02:16:39.000 It doesn't start with being a fake.

02:16:41.000 It starts with little things.

02:16:43.000 It's character is what people don't see you doing.

02:16:45.000 It's the things that people, and that's what we've forgotten.

02:16:48.000 Driving Hollywood.

02:16:49.000 The other day, there was eight cars.

02:16:51.000 Okay, I agree.

02:16:52.000 I think that this is definitely people need character, Joey, but you're discounting the idea that technology is connecting people, and that's ridiculous.

02:17:01.000 You're discounting the idea that Twitter connects people and Facebook connects people.

02:17:05.000 Yes, you should have human interaction.

02:17:07.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:17:08.000 You should have human interaction, Joey.

02:17:12.000 So you got a couple idiots.

02:17:14.000 That doesn't mean that there's not a trend of interconnection.

02:17:19.000 Some of them.

02:17:20.000 Not everybody.

02:17:20.000 That's where it starts.

02:17:21.000 If we want to make the world a lot better, it starts with the little things.

02:17:24.000 We could talk all this nonsense to people.

02:17:26.000 Oh, my God, because the world.

02:17:27.000 It all starts with you, dog.

02:17:29.000 Oh, my God, because the world.

02:17:30.000 You know how these people are.

02:17:31.000 You know.

02:17:31.000 So crazy.

02:17:32.000 The world and all this shit.

02:17:33.000 It all starts with you.

02:17:34.000 I've never seen you more angry.

02:17:36.000 I believe in doing.

02:17:38.000 I know, but Joey, we're talking about a positive thing, and all of a sudden you're talking about it.

02:17:41.000 You turn anything we talk about into something where you're yelling at somebody.

02:17:44.000 No, no, no.

02:17:45.000 I'm not yelling at me.

02:17:46.000 Brian?

02:17:46.000 Isn't it?

02:17:47.000 I'm passionate about something.

02:17:48.000 I'm not yelling at you.

02:17:49.000 I'm passionate about it.

02:17:49.000 I understand.

02:17:50.000 Everything is some fucking momos.

02:17:51.000 It's fucking idiot.

02:17:52.000 It's passion.

02:17:53.000 Hey, dog.

02:17:53.000 I didn't understand.

02:17:54.000 I don't know what the fuck to tell you.

02:17:55.000 You want me to be honest with you on your podcast, right?

02:17:57.000 If not, you call one of your buddies.

02:17:58.000 Joey, I want you to be honest, but I think we should be able to discuss ideas.

02:18:02.000 I'm telling you, without becoming you screaming about some personal voice.

02:18:08.000 That's why you got to get me real stoned when I get here, dog.

02:18:10.000 That's what happened.

02:18:11.000 Did you say you peed on yourself?

02:18:12.000 I peed on myself, dog.

02:18:13.000 How did you do that?

02:18:14.000 Fucking sleeping.

02:18:15.000 Woke up.

02:18:15.000 I was so cold.

02:18:16.000 In your bed?

02:18:17.000 No, I didn't pee my bed.

02:18:18.000 I peed upward.

02:18:19.000 Because I had to sleep bacon mask on.

02:18:21.000 So I peed upward.

02:18:22.000 Just got my fucking pants wet.

02:18:22.000 What?

02:18:24.000 On purpose?

02:18:25.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:18:26.000 I do that every day on purpose.

02:18:27.000 I was sleeping with you.

02:18:28.000 You were peed in your sleep?

02:18:30.000 You know, sometimes my room is fucking 50 below zero at night.

02:18:35.000 So some nights at six, I'm like, I gotta go to the bed.

02:18:37.000 What does your wife do? 1.00

02:18:38.000 Does she bundle up? 0.95

02:18:39.000 Oh, bundle up big time.

02:18:41.000 So she bundles up so you get that AC crank.

02:18:45.000 How many cats are sleeping with you when you're doing this?

02:18:47.000 Two.

02:18:48.000 Only two?

02:18:49.000 The same two every time?

02:18:50.000 And the other nine don't get embarrassed?

02:18:50.000 Yeah.

02:18:53.000 They tap out in the cold, in cold air.

02:18:55.000 They fuck it.

02:18:55.000 They can't take the cold air?

02:18:57.000 And sometimes I get up in the middle of that and my wife is gone.

02:19:00.000 How do you keep your place from smelling like cat shit?

02:19:02.000 Because I have a problem in my fucking office.

02:19:04.000 You clean it every day.

02:19:06.000 You change a little every day.

02:19:07.000 If you're a filthy animal, that's what happened.

02:19:08.000 You ever go to somebody's house?

02:19:09.000 Oh, you get to change it every day.

02:19:11.000 It still stinks.

02:19:12.000 Every time my little girl, she loves wet food, little spas. 1.00

02:19:16.000 She loves wet food.

02:19:17.000 But when I give her that wet food, goddamn her, she stinks. 1.00

02:19:21.000 The wet food will kill you.

02:19:22.000 But they love it.

02:19:23.000 I only give her wet food every couple days. 0.98

02:19:23.000 They love it. 0.98

02:19:25.000 I get these other crystals.

02:19:26.000 I pay a little extra for these other crystals.

02:19:26.000 But she mows.

02:19:29.000 You know, do you like the blue crystal?

02:19:29.000 Yeah.

02:19:31.000 Are you talking about the blue crystal?

02:19:32.000 I don't like blue crystal.

02:19:33.000 My wife.

02:19:34.000 Tonight we'll watch.

02:19:34.000 Welcome.

02:19:35.000 It's a cat shit.

02:19:37.000 We do a podcast once in a while all about cats called Pod Cats.

02:19:40.000 And that's all we're like.

02:19:41.000 We talk about litter control.

02:19:42.000 We're talking about the litter thing.

02:19:44.000 You don't get one of those electric ones that shit don't rust, right?

02:19:48.000 That shit rusts.

02:19:49.000 It works for like a month.

02:19:50.000 It's just another thing that's fucking up.

02:19:53.000 Do you have a litter box with a dome over it?

02:19:55.000 You have that, right?

02:19:56.000 You got to have that.

02:19:57.000 I got four domes.

02:19:58.000 I got one.

02:19:59.000 They say, oh, it's a carbon filter.

02:20:01.000 My little girl, that little spaz, she will make the stinkiest shits. 1.00

02:20:05.000 I almost get upset at her.

02:20:07.000 But, you know, you can't get upset.

02:20:08.000 She doesn't have it.

02:20:09.000 As soon as I smell something, I'll clean it out.

02:20:11.000 I got to scoop it out and flush it.

02:20:12.000 Scoop it out and flush it.

02:20:13.000 That's what I do.

02:20:14.000 I scoop it out and flush it.

02:20:15.000 And I change the litter every two days, but I stay on it.

02:20:18.000 It's just so gross.

02:20:19.000 Those creepy little animals.

02:20:20.000 They're in there scratching on the shitty fucking litter and pissy litter.

02:20:24.000 And then they get out and just walk around your house.

02:20:27.000 Shitty litter and pissy little paws. 1.00

02:20:29.000 And it's, you know.

02:20:30.000 What's the difference between them?

02:20:31.000 He definitely has that feline virus for sure.

02:20:34.000 He's got a lot of stuff.

02:20:34.000 Oh, for sure.

02:20:35.000 Listen to how crazy he got in.

02:20:35.000 For sure, 100%.

02:20:37.000 Honestly, I think this would be great for the podcast.

02:20:39.000 Get it tested.

02:20:40.000 And we give it live results.

02:20:42.000 For those who don't know what we're talking about, there's a cat parasite called Toxoplasma.

02:20:42.000 You know, that'd be funny.

02:20:47.000 Look it up on the internet.

02:20:48.000 A lot of people are infected by this cat parasite, and it alters human behavior.

02:20:52.000 And it makes you more impulsive and crazy, and that's probably Joey doing it.

02:20:55.000 It makes girls more semistic. 1.00

02:20:57.000 You guys keep believing that dumb shit you fucking say.

02:20:59.000 It's true.

02:20:59.000 Keep believing what?

02:21:00.000 Toxoplasma?

02:21:01.000 It's 100% true.

02:21:03.000 No, it's not.

02:21:04.000 It's 60 million Americans.

02:21:05.000 I've had cats for six fucking years.

02:21:07.000 Joey.

02:21:07.000 It also makes your wife or your girlfriend, whatever you were saying that shit.

02:21:10.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:21:11.000 That's expected.

02:21:12.000 Follow, like I said to you that my nonsense days are over.

02:21:15.000 No nonsense.

02:21:15.000 It's science.

02:21:16.000 You come correct because if not, I walk out of the fucking room.

02:21:19.000 Joey, what are you talking about?

02:21:20.000 Toxoplasma is not nonsense.

02:21:22.000 Now I got a cat disease without my cat man.

02:21:25.000 That sounds exactly like they say with someone who has a disease.

02:21:25.000 Listen to you talk.

02:21:28.000 I'm fucking aggravated.

02:21:28.000 I'm aggravated, though.

02:21:30.000 Someone who has a cat disease talks exactly like that.

02:21:32.000 Yeah, I know.

02:21:32.000 I know.

02:21:33.000 That's what it is.

02:21:34.000 Look, Joey, a lot of people have it.

02:21:35.000 They don't know that they have it.

02:21:37.000 I'm sure I have it.

02:21:38.000 60 million Americans have it.

02:21:40.000 60 million.

02:21:41.000 I know.

02:21:41.000 What do you mean you don't?

02:21:42.000 They all got iPhone.

02:21:43.000 Pretending they don't.

02:21:44.000 They all got iPhones.

02:21:46.000 What time you got, though?

02:21:47.000 Time for you to go home.

02:21:48.000 You should have 10.

02:21:49.000 What is it?

02:21:50.000 10.15, 5-0.

02:21:51.000 You should do this with your wife early. 0.97

02:21:53.000 It's awesome.

02:21:54.000 Have her put her mouth inside of your mouth and have her talk inside your mouth. 1.00

02:21:59.000 It's cool.

02:22:00.000 Okay.

02:22:00.000 Jesus fucking Christ, Brian.

02:22:02.000 You wonder why people yell at you?

02:22:04.000 You wonder why people yell at you.

02:22:05.000 You'll knock it.

02:22:05.000 You'll like it.

02:22:06.000 No, no one talks inside my mouth, dude.

02:22:08.000 Dude, it echoes in the head.

02:22:10.000 It's so creepy sounding.

02:22:11.000 It's creepy sounding.

02:22:12.000 And this is what I'm saying.

02:22:13.000 Just try it out.

02:22:14.000 Make sure there's no earthy fight.

02:22:15.000 In this podcast, we have really covered the full spectrum of life of welfare and black people in the movie theaters and stabbing people. 1.00

02:22:25.000 Oh, fucking air conditioning and bad weather.

02:22:27.000 There is air conditioning here.

02:22:28.000 Jesus.

02:22:29.000 Believe it or not.

02:22:31.000 And we've covered everything.

02:22:32.000 We've covered it all, folks.

02:22:33.000 And, you know, it's been a wild ride.

02:22:35.000 And I enjoyed it most of the time.

02:22:38.000 Most of the time.

02:22:39.000 There's a few times broke.

02:22:40.000 I like it.

02:22:41.000 I love it when Joey Diaz goes crazy.

02:22:43.000 It's one of my favorite things ever.

02:22:45.000 Yeah, I love when you go off, too.

02:22:46.000 But, you know, there's no absolutes on these.

02:22:50.000 I love you to death, bro.

02:22:50.000 You invite me up here, but have the best.

02:22:52.000 I love you.

02:22:52.000 You do you too.

02:22:53.000 And you got to get me in here and good shit from the jump.

02:22:55.000 You know how I roll, dog.

02:22:56.000 I can't have that shit that, yeah, this guy, you got to get the A1 weed and calm me down.

02:23:00.000 That was train wreck.

02:23:01.000 I think you need to go to the gym.

02:23:03.000 The train wreck in Hollywood is different from the train wreck in Hollywood.

02:23:05.000 You're so crazy.

02:23:06.000 You're so crazy.

02:23:07.000 I got this shit on La Brea.

02:23:08.000 You don't even know he was hovering much.

02:23:09.000 I got this shit at the clinic where the guy.

02:23:11.000 You're not growing this shit.

02:23:12.000 Joey, now this is from La Brea.

02:23:15.000 I can't believe he did it.

02:23:15.000 Listen.

02:23:16.000 Listen.

02:23:17.000 I can't believe Rogan brought you that.

02:23:19.000 Yeah.

02:23:19.000 I know.

02:23:20.000 I gave him some bunk weed, right?

02:23:21.000 Fumba Lumps. 0.83

02:23:21.000 Was it? 0.83

02:23:22.000 I'm trying to figure out who Susquehanna.

02:23:24.000 Susquehanna.

02:23:25.000 You really don't know what Susquehanna is?

02:23:27.000 It's Hannah Montana.

02:23:29.000 No, when Abby and Costello used to pull scans, they used to always work for the Susquehanna Hat Company because it was make-believe.

02:23:36.000 How do you remember that?

02:23:37.000 That's comedy.

02:23:38.000 That's real comedy.

02:23:39.000 The Susquehanna hat.

02:23:41.000 Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you learned a lot today.

02:23:44.000 Because we sure did.

02:23:44.000 Stay black.

02:23:46.000 This is motherfuckers. 1.00

02:23:47.000 This is the best.

02:23:48.000 This is, look, there's a full spectrum of Joey Diaz.

02:23:50.000 Happy birthday.

02:23:51.000 Today we got an angry, intense Joey Diaz.

02:23:53.000 Happy birthday, Rogan.

02:23:54.000 Happy birthday.

02:23:55.000 Thank you.

02:23:55.000 It's not quite my birthday.

02:23:56.000 Happy birthday to you, Brian, because your birthday already passed.

02:23:58.000 Happy birthday.

02:23:58.000 Can we have it, brother?

02:23:59.000 Go see Planet of the Apes.

02:24:02.000 Go see Red State.

02:24:04.000 Come see us at the Paps Theater.

02:24:05.000 Come see us at the Paps Theater in Milwaukee.

02:24:09.000 August 13th.

02:24:10.000 Come see us at the Paramount Theater in Denver.

02:24:14.000 September 23rd.

02:24:15.000 Unless you're Joey Diaz's ex-wife or her ex-husband.

02:24:19.000 Is she still married to that guy? 1.00

02:24:21.000 I have no idea.

02:24:22.000 Don't come.

02:24:22.000 If you're that guy, don't come.

02:24:24.000 Oh, by the way, Brea tomorrow night.

02:24:26.000 Oh, or San Jose Improv the 25th of August.

02:24:30.000 Who's with you tomorrow night in Brea?

02:24:32.000 I have no fucking idea.

02:24:34.000 You don't know?

02:24:35.000 Maybe I'll come down.

02:24:35.000 I'm working in Pomona tomorrow night.

02:24:37.000 Is that close to Brea?

02:24:39.000 If it is, I'll come down.

02:24:39.000 Yeah.

02:24:40.000 Listen, folks, I fucking love you guys.

02:24:43.000 I hope you enjoyed this.

02:24:43.000 I love you guys.

02:24:45.000 This is, you know, it's not a normal one.

02:24:48.000 It's a little different, but.

02:24:49.000 It's a special audition.

02:24:50.000 It is what it is, bitches. 1.00

02:24:52.000 It's all love.

02:24:53.000 It's all love.

02:24:53.000 We love you.

02:24:54.000 This is the only podcast we're doing this week.

02:24:56.000 Very busy this week with the Fear Factor, but, you know, that's why I love you guys.

02:25:00.000 This is why we decided to do a late night one.

02:25:01.000 I worked all day.

02:25:02.000 And that's it.

02:25:04.000 So this is what me, me and Joey will probably do one this weekend.

02:25:06.000 We'll probably do one on the plane.

02:25:08.000 On the way back home.

02:25:09.000 And that's it.

02:25:10.000 See you next week.

02:25:11.000 Next week with Kevin Smith.

02:25:13.000 Trying to get Duncan in here next week, too.

02:25:15.000 And we're supposed to do Jay Moore, but Brian and him had a Twitter feud.

02:25:18.000 So I don't know if that's going to take place or not.

02:25:21.000 We'll see.

02:25:22.000 Either way, Shazam, Asalaamu Laikum. 0.97

02:25:26.000 Big kiss to you, mama.

02:25:28.000 Anything to say, Brian?

02:25:29.000 I love the fleshlight, Joey Diaz.

02:25:31.000 More than I like Jay Moore.

02:25:33.000 You don't like Jay Moore anymore?

02:25:35.000 Yeah, I think he got a little crazy.

02:25:37.000 He went a little babying.

02:25:38.000 He did he get a little, you know, there was a little Twitter war out of nowhere.

02:25:43.000 He said, all right, here's the whole Jay Moore thing in a nutshell.

02:25:47.000 He's friends with Tom Segura.

02:25:49.000 And Tom's like, hey, can you please help Jay Moore out and give him some information?

02:25:52.000 He wants to do a podcast.

02:25:53.000 If you could just talk to him.

02:25:55.000 So I was like, yeah, sure.

02:25:56.000 How can give me a call?

02:25:57.000 He calls me up.

02:25:58.000 I'm like, hey, you know, I'm really busy, but I can lead you in the right direction.

02:26:01.000 If I ever have any free chance, I'll help you out here and there and stuff like that.

02:26:04.000 He goes, well, can you just email me all the things I need?

02:26:06.000 So I emailed him like some equipment that he should buy on Amazon.

02:26:10.000 You know, Amazon.com, gave him a web host that he should go.

02:26:13.000 And then he wrote me back like, hey, how much does all this stuff cost?

02:26:16.000 And I'm like, well, just click on the links, you know, anyways.

02:26:19.000 So I wrote back to him.

02:26:20.000 He said he asked you to add it all up.

02:26:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:26:22.000 How did he say it?

02:26:23.000 He's like, hey, can you add that all up for me or something like that?

02:26:26.000 Can you add that all up?

02:26:27.000 Yeah, like he wanted me to click on all the links and add it up for him for some reason.

02:26:30.000 But that's asking a lot.

02:26:30.000 Wow.

02:26:32.000 That's asking a lot from a guy you don't know.

02:26:34.000 No, don't know the guy.

02:26:35.000 All of a sudden, you went out of your way to provide him with all the information.

02:26:39.000 And that's another thing.

02:26:40.000 I don't know this guy.

02:26:41.000 I'm doing this a favor.

02:26:42.000 I had to go on Amazon, find links and copy and paste and actually spend some time for a complete stranger, you know?

02:26:49.000 And so then he said, you never met Jaymoor.

02:26:49.000 Right.

02:26:51.000 Never met Jaymoor.

02:26:52.000 So then he says, can you add all this shit up?

02:26:54.000 Yeah.

02:26:55.000 And so I said, you know, look, because I think he was kind of confused with everything.

02:26:59.000 He's like, I said, hey, if you want to use my studio, you can use it anytime you want to.

02:27:04.000 And he completely ignored that.

02:27:06.000 And he goes, hey, sent me another email.

02:27:08.000 We were on the road at the time.

02:27:10.000 I missed his last email he sent me.

02:27:12.000 I didn't even know he sent it to me.

02:27:13.000 Come to like a month or two later, Tom Sagura goes, can you please write Jay Moore a letter detailing everything he needs to do to do a podcast?

02:27:23.000 I'm like, okay, I'll make it super detailed.

02:27:26.000 No, that's fine.

02:27:27.000 This is how you get on iTunes.

02:27:29.000 Yeah, this is how you get on iTunes.

02:27:30.000 Dude, take the ST card.

02:27:32.000 Actually was saying, take the ST card out of your computer.

02:27:34.000 You know, like it was that detail.

02:27:36.000 I was writing it.

02:27:37.000 And then like two days later, like I'm still writing this letter.

02:27:40.000 I see that he has a podcast.

02:27:42.000 So I just like, oh, I guess with Kevin Smith.

02:27:44.000 So I'm like, you know what?

02:27:45.000 I don't have to send this out anymore.

02:27:47.000 So I just ignored it.

02:27:49.000 And then I noticed he started tweeting me like fucking crazy, like tagging me.

02:27:53.000 If you search his timeline since March, he has tweeted my name's in there 24 times.

02:27:58.000 I've never tweeted that dude once.

02:28:00.000 All right.

02:28:01.000 I don't know this guy.

02:28:02.000 All right.

02:28:02.000 So then finally, I'm on my birthday weekend.

02:28:04.000 I'm out of town.

02:28:05.000 I'm at Disneyland.

02:28:06.000 And I'm like looking at my phone.

02:28:07.000 And it's like, fuck you, Red Band.

02:28:09.000 You know, why don't you return a phone call?

02:28:11.000 And he's like saying, I don't return phone calls.

02:28:14.000 Check my phone records.

02:28:15.000 He's not called me.

02:28:16.000 I've talked to him once on the phone.

02:28:17.000 He's never called me again.

02:28:18.000 So he's like making up all this shit and telling me to fuck off.

02:28:21.000 What is that about?

02:28:22.000 I have no idea, but you know, from all, from, from the people that came to me after that, like a lot of big comedians came to me and was like, dude, you know, I have problems with him.

02:28:32.000 You know, F this guy.

02:28:33.000 Don't worry about him.

02:28:34.000 Stanhope doesn't like him.

02:28:35.000 Yeah, Stanhope doesn't like him.

02:28:37.000 And that's pretty well known.

02:28:38.000 But yeah, I mean, it's, you know what?

02:28:40.000 I don't know what his problem is.

02:28:41.000 I have no problem with the guy.

02:28:43.000 I just, you know, he had a little hissy fit.

02:28:45.000 And now just so I wouldn't be able to do it.

02:28:47.000 It doesn't make sense that he would just go after you on Twitter like that.

02:28:47.000 It's so weird, though.

02:28:50.000 And he's like, be a man.

02:28:51.000 But meanwhile, he's going after you on Twitter.

02:28:54.000 That is.

02:28:54.000 Yeah.

02:28:55.000 And he's saying that I'm not returning calls and making up pretty much fake bullshit.

02:28:59.000 But how weird is it to go after someone on Twitter saying you're not calling me?

02:29:03.000 Yeah.

02:29:04.000 Like that's that's weird, dude.

02:29:06.000 Do we be a man?

02:29:07.000 Are you going after someone on Twitter?

02:29:08.000 Right.

02:29:09.000 And I like Jay.

02:29:10.000 I've never had a single problem with Jay.

02:29:11.000 Jay Moore and I have always been cool.

02:29:13.000 I was looking forward to having him on the podcast.

02:29:15.000 And I actually wrote him a message saying, hey, let's work this out next week.

02:29:19.000 I'm busy with Fear Factor.

02:29:20.000 I'll call you soon.

02:29:21.000 And then right after I wrote that, then I read all these tweets that you and him were going back and forth with.

02:29:28.000 He was torturing him.

02:29:28.000 He wasn't doing shit.

02:29:30.000 You were just getting tweeted at when he was calling you a bitch or whatever the fuck he was saying to you. 0.98

02:29:34.000 And I was like, this is just weird.

02:29:36.000 Did he get drunk or something?

02:29:37.000 No, from what people have been telling me, that he has a side of him where he spazzes out and this is normal for him.

02:29:46.000 Like, I guess, like, he just goes after people?

02:29:49.000 He just has a temper.

02:29:52.000 You have problems with him.

02:29:53.000 I know a lot of people have problems with him.

02:29:55.000 I just mean.

02:29:56.000 I know a lot of people have problems with him, though.

02:29:59.000 Your buddy.

02:30:00.000 Al Magical had problems with him.

02:30:01.000 A lot of people have problems with him.

02:30:02.000 What is Al Magical's problems with him?

02:30:04.000 I don't know.

02:30:05.000 But I know a lot of people have problems with him.

02:30:06.000 I just avoid him.

02:30:07.000 When you told me you were buddying up with him, I just closed my fucking ear because I knew that was going to be a disaster.

02:30:13.000 Why?

02:30:13.000 Yeah.

02:30:14.000 Because just why?

02:30:16.000 Well, I was just going to do his podcast.

02:30:16.000 Why?

02:30:18.000 I like him.

02:30:19.000 Look, I said, I think he's funny.

02:30:20.000 He's got great impressions.

02:30:22.000 The dude does the best Christopher Walking on the fucking face of the planet.

02:30:27.000 He's got a hilarious Colin Quinn.

02:30:29.000 His Colin Quinn is as funny as Colin Quinn.

02:30:31.000 I mean, I think he's a talented guy.

02:30:33.000 He's got a great Tracy Morrison.

02:30:34.000 How cool is he?

02:30:35.000 I don't know him.

02:30:36.000 That's not the conversation.

02:30:37.000 Look, what I know, I know.

02:30:38.000 That's the problem.

02:30:40.000 I have to judge him based on my interactions with him.

02:30:43.000 And my interactions with him have always been cool.

02:30:45.000 He's always been nice to me.

02:30:46.000 I've never had a problem with him.

02:30:47.000 He's always been cool with me.

02:30:48.000 But, you know, I don't like reading all that shit.

02:30:50.000 I don't like seeing anybody doing shit like that.

02:30:53.000 But you did that to Brian too.

02:30:56.000 You know, you went after Brian too on Twitter.

02:30:58.000 Just the same way.

02:30:59.000 But it's the same fucking way.

02:31:01.000 You went after him on Twitter the exact same way that you're criticizing right here.

02:31:05.000 First of all, I didn't know what was really going on.

02:31:07.000 And if you want to really know Brian, it was these motherfuckers that got us all going.

02:31:11.000 Because me and you were cool.

02:31:11.000 Who?

02:31:12.000 Who's these?

02:31:13.000 Who would call me back?

02:31:14.000 All these outside fucking forces that we call our fucking friends were the ones that were tweeting me and saying all this shit.

02:31:20.000 So next time me and you sit down, I'll fucking tell you.

02:31:22.000 And that's why I got pissed off.

02:31:24.000 When I went to Jerry's that night and that dude came up to me, that's what got me pissed off.

02:31:27.000 Because you're my brother.

02:31:28.000 You and me never had a fucking problem.

02:31:30.000 We goof around all the fucking time.

02:31:31.000 That's why when they told me that you were furious and stuff, I got so hurt.

02:31:35.000 I called you right away.

02:31:36.000 I called you right away.

02:31:38.000 There's no, you know me.

02:31:39.000 There's a problem.

02:31:40.000 I call.

02:31:41.000 I call or I show up.

02:31:42.000 That's the worst thing about me.

02:31:43.000 I love showing up.

02:31:45.000 Joey's just having fun over here.

02:31:46.000 No, I know he is, but bro, I love you to death.

02:31:48.000 I love you.

02:31:49.000 Nothing like that.

02:31:50.000 And I love everything about you.

02:31:51.000 Fucking nothing like that, dog.

02:31:53.000 I know, you know, listen, bro, that's why I don't deal with a lot of these fucking guys because I know where it's going to end up.

02:31:58.000 And this is the type of person I am.

02:32:00.000 I don't know how to deal.

02:32:01.000 I don't know how to argue.

02:32:02.000 I don't know how to go to court.

02:32:04.000 I don't know how to play those games.

02:32:05.000 Those are not games that I grew up playing.

02:32:07.000 So when people throw that at me or burotics, whatever the fuck that word is, I can't deal with that.

02:32:13.000 I know, I know.

02:32:13.000 Talk to me.

02:32:14.000 But just come talk to me like a man. 0.98

02:32:16.000 Because if you don't, I don't want to take this back up.

02:32:19.000 No, no, no, I'm not talking about you.

02:32:20.000 I'm talking about anybody.

02:32:22.000 If they don't come talk to me like a man, Brian, if they don't come talk to you like a man, then you're going to suspect their countiness.

02:32:28.000 And then you know what?

02:32:29.000 After a while, I don't even want to deal with them because I know, like my mom used to say, if it sucks in the beginning, it's going to suck all the way through.

02:32:35.000 So just leave it alone.

02:32:36.000 If you have a bad week the first day with them, you know what?

02:32:41.000 This is going to suck all the way through.

02:32:42.000 So let's just shake and part friends because why put yourself through this shit before I stab you?

02:32:48.000 He's going to start getting angry at someone who's not here again.

02:32:50.000 No, no, no.

02:32:51.000 I'm not going to get angry at you.

02:32:54.000 I'll tell you, I was fucking 12 years old.

02:32:55.000 I told that cocksucker then. 1.00

02:32:57.000 I'll tell you now.

02:32:58.000 Ladies and gentlemen, play the music.

02:33:00.000 Let's wrap this bitch up. 1.00

02:33:01.000 Let's bring this motherfucker home. 1.00

02:33:03.000 Let's bring it home in a positive direction, Joe Diaz.

02:33:06.000 And I know you said something on Twitter the other day that people who talk about positivity are probably cunts.

02:33:11.000 They really are.

02:33:12.000 That's not true.

02:33:13.000 They really are.

02:33:13.000 I talk about that shit.

02:33:14.000 I know.

02:33:15.000 And you got to lighten up on it.

02:33:16.000 You got to lighten up, but you got to stop eating all my fucking cough drops.

02:33:21.000 You came over here and yelled 100,000 negative things today.

02:33:24.000 Don't you tell me what to be positive or negative?

02:33:27.000 Just be positive.

02:33:28.000 Okay.

02:33:30.000 No, it helps people.

02:33:31.000 It helps people recognize that other people like to think that way too.

02:33:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:33:36.000 I'm talking about whatever the fuck I want.

02:33:38.000 I got a podcast, bitch. 1.00

02:33:39.000 You can't stop me.

02:33:41.000 You can't tell me what the fuck to talk about.

02:33:42.000 I'm going to keep it going.

02:33:44.000 I'm going to keep it bumping, ladies and gentlemen.

02:33:46.000 Death Squad 2012.

02:33:48.000 That's why I ended up.

02:33:49.000 Tuesday, August 9th.

02:33:50.000 Holla at your boy. 0.81

02:33:52.000 Thank you to the flashlight.

02:33:53.000 Please go to joerogan.net.

02:33:55.000 Click on the link for the flashlight.

02:33:56.000 Enter in the code name Rogan.

02:33:58.000 And you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:34:00.000 And you can shoot loads in it to your heart's content at a discount.

02:34:04.000 They don't pee on you.

02:34:05.000 See you next week.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 10, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #128 - Joey Diaz

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