The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #129 - Ari Shaffir

00:00:00.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:11.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:00:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:00:21.000 And that's what you say right when you shoot your load, thinking about the discount.

00:00:24.000 Oh, savings!

00:00:27.000 Buckle up, you dirty bitches. 1.00

00:00:29.000 It's my birthday, and Ari Shaffir's in the house. 0.86

00:00:33.000 Yay! 0.99

00:00:33.000 Yay! - That hurts, sir. - The inevitable slide continues as I hit 44 today. 0.99

00:00:48.000 A slide to death?

00:00:49.000 Yes.

00:00:50.000 The slide towards the great beyond.

00:00:53.000 It will not stop.

00:00:54.000 It waits for no man.

00:00:56.000 44?

00:00:57.000 Which one is it?

00:00:57.000 44. That's what I just turned.

00:00:59.000 Okay.

00:00:59.000 Is that a special year when it goes back and forth?

00:01:02.000 No.

00:01:02.000 It just keeps going.

00:01:03.000 Keeps sliding.

00:01:04.000 I always say that I keep my eye on Sylvester Stallone.

00:01:07.000 He's my canary in a coal mine.

00:01:08.000 As long as he still goes.

00:01:09.000 As long as that guy's still alive.

00:01:10.000 Like, how much roid can you do?

00:01:13.000 And be like 60. That's incredible.

00:01:15.000 You know what he's like?

00:01:18.000 He's like an old fucking car.

00:01:20.000 You could take an old 55 Chevelle or a 55 Buick, rather, and just put some ridiculous rocket engine in it and, you know, and fucking see how long that suspension lasts.

00:01:31.000 Brand new parts all over.

00:01:33.000 Constant brand new parts, but how long before he blows that frame out?

00:01:36.000 How long before that frame just bends and falls off?

00:01:40.000 He must have like the best scientists in the world just constantly jabbing him with needles.

00:01:46.000 Just constantly checking his blood.

00:01:48.000 As he's eating breakfast.

00:01:49.000 Somebody comes and sticks him.

00:01:50.000 Yep.

00:01:50.000 Somebody else comes and draws some.

00:01:51.000 Checks his blood.

00:01:52.000 Checks his urine.

00:01:54.000 They examine him.

00:01:55.000 And then they hit him with some more roids.

00:01:58.000 Make sure you eat a grapefruit and shoot it up.

00:02:01.000 Yeah.

00:02:01.000 Give him some of that shit from the Planet of the Apes.

00:02:03.000 Give him that new shit.

00:02:05.000 Dude, he's my canary to call mine.

00:02:07.000 So as long as I'm 44 and he's like 65 or something like that now, I think he's 65, still doing action movies.

00:02:13.000 Have you seen that movie, that Planet of the Apes movie?

00:02:15.000 Yeah, we talked about it last podcast.

00:02:16.000 Doug Stato is my canary.

00:02:18.000 He's your canary? 0.78

00:02:19.000 Yeah, because he drinks and smokes.

00:02:20.000 He does everything.

00:02:21.000 Doug Canary is going to die.

00:02:23.000 You live the same way.

00:02:24.000 He got in a lot of trouble recently, I guess.

00:02:26.000 Does Denhoff got in trouble for something?

00:02:28.000 Oh, go on.

00:02:30.000 He was on, I believe, BBC Radio, and the host of the radio show just mentioned one of his jokes, and what is the disease?

00:02:40.000 Down syndrome.

00:02:41.000 Down syndrome.

00:02:41.000 This is what he said.

00:02:42.000 He said, this is Stan Hope's joke.

00:02:46.000 Sarah Palin has two retarded kids. 0.98

00:02:49.000 One of them has Down syndrome.

00:02:51.000 The other one signed up for the military.

00:02:54.000 It's a fucking good joke.

00:02:56.000 Yeah, using retarded both ways. 0.99

00:02:58.000 So what did I say on BBC America?

00:03:00.000 And DJ just mentioned Yeah, he said, well, this is the deal.

00:03:04.000 He's on BBC Radio, which I've done before, and they're very polite, and you don't go into depth about anything.

00:03:11.000 There's no flavor to it at all.

00:03:14.000 BBC Radio is like the most bland, flavorless, emotionless.

00:03:19.000 It's like PBS. PBS with an accent.

00:03:21.000 It's like PBS if it was tired.

00:03:23.000 Yeah.

00:03:24.000 You know, PBS if it got neutered, if they had no sex. 0.90

00:03:27.000 Oh, really?

00:03:27.000 Oh, it's fucking terrible.

00:03:28.000 Wow.

00:03:29.000 Terrible radio.

00:03:30.000 But Stanhope did it, and he's talking to this, you know, they can't get into depth about it, so he's forced to have sort of a polite conversation, but he doesn't want to give the people the wrong impression that this is going to be like what they come to see, you know?

00:03:42.000 When people don't know what kind of comedy you do, and Stanhope is, you know, remarkably offensive.

00:03:47.000 Yeah.

00:03:47.000 Especially if you're just some regular fucking square out there living in the world.

00:03:52.000 Especially in England.

00:03:54.000 You're not used to this Arizona trash that is Doug Stanhope.

00:03:58.000 So they wanted to let the people know.

00:04:00.000 Just in case you don't believe us that Mr. Stanhope has a very offensive stand-up comedy act, just Google his bit on Sarah Palin.

00:04:08.000 That's all this guy said.

00:04:09.000 They didn't even say the retarded bit?

00:04:11.000 No, he said see the bit on YouTube.

00:04:13.000 And they got in trouble for that?

00:04:15.000 Yes, he got in trouble for that.

00:04:16.000 Why did they even go on that show?

00:04:17.000 Well, what he's saying is, what the people are saying is that what this guy did in referencing that is like, sort of, like, what's the word?

00:04:28.000 Condone it?

00:04:28.000 Condone it, yeah.

00:04:29.000 It's like condoning it.

00:04:30.000 By telling people about it at all, you're advertising it, sort of.

00:04:35.000 Which I can see what they were saying.

00:04:37.000 But so fucking what?

00:04:38.000 But they're condoning on the level of this does represent offensive material.

00:04:42.000 He's telling you that it's offensive.

00:04:44.000 And if you don't believe him, watch his bit.

00:04:46.000 So if you don't believe him, you know, and you watch the bit and you get offended and then you get mad, you're a fucking moron.

00:04:54.000 That's one of the dumbest fucking things I've ever heard in my life.

00:04:56.000 Because you're saying, I'm not taking your word for it.

00:04:58.000 And then going there, I'm like, What?

00:04:59.000 I should have taken your word for it?

00:05:00.000 How dare you?

00:05:00.000 It's outrageous that anyone could possibly complain.

00:05:04.000 This guy is interviewing a comic, okay?

00:05:07.000 And in the interview, the comic stays within the lines of whatever parameters of behavior they find acceptable.

00:05:13.000 He doesn't go out of those lines at all.

00:05:15.000 He just had a polite conversation.

00:05:17.000 But they wanted to let people know.

00:05:19.000 So he said, if you don't believe us, watch this bit.

00:05:21.000 And then people are going fucking crazy and they're calling for this guy's head.

00:05:24.000 It's incredible how...

00:05:26.000 What is going on?

00:05:27.000 Why is everybody becoming such a bunch of cunts and pussies? 1.00

00:05:31.000 Because it feels like more than ever.

00:05:33.000 A lot of them, they just can.

00:05:34.000 So they do.

00:05:35.000 That is it, right?

00:05:36.000 Yeah.

00:05:37.000 Is it frustration in their own lives and they find something where they can score on?

00:05:41.000 Something where they can fucking tee off on and they just go after it?

00:05:44.000 Well, sometimes it really is.

00:05:45.000 Like, I didn't want to hear that and it's fucking annoying.

00:05:47.000 Right.

00:05:47.000 I don't say fucking annoying, but if it's too in their face.

00:05:50.000 Right.

00:05:50.000 But I think usually it's just like, wait, is that...

00:05:52.000 Yes, you shouldn't be promoting that anyway.

00:05:54.000 And people just go overboard.

00:05:55.000 Like, I don't even want to exist in the world.

00:05:58.000 So they get mad whenever anyone references it.

00:06:00.000 They're trying to kill it.

00:06:00.000 Yeah, it's that too, but it's a self-righteous indignation.

00:06:04.000 It's just so fake.

00:06:05.000 Yeah.

00:06:06.000 There's so many people that are looking for a moment to be angry.

00:06:08.000 To shit on other people for something.

00:06:09.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:06:10.000 But you're not Christian enough. 0.97

00:06:11.000 Yeah, you're not anything enough.

00:06:13.000 Whatever the fuck it is.

00:06:13.000 And that's all it is.

00:06:14.000 It's just a religious thing.

00:06:15.000 That's all that's left.

00:06:16.000 Why the fuck is it so hard for people to leave other people alone?

00:06:19.000 It's like he's telling you it's offensive stuff.

00:06:22.000 Alright, if you're into Jesus or whatever, just don't watch it.

00:06:24.000 Why is it so hard for cunts to watch it?

00:06:26.000 Even if they watch it and they get upset like, oh god, he said that?

00:06:29.000 That guy's an asshole. 0.51

00:06:30.000 Never go see him live.

00:06:31.000 Why do they get so upset they attack the DJ for mentioning it?

00:06:35.000 I don't know.

00:06:36.000 I mean, you gotta be a real... 0.77

00:06:38.000 You gotta be a fucking mess.

00:06:40.000 You're gonna use your time for that?

00:06:42.000 Like, really?

00:06:43.000 Really?

00:06:44.000 That's ridiculous.

00:06:45.000 Who the fuck does that?

00:06:46.000 I don't know, man.

00:06:47.000 Is that what it is?

00:06:48.000 I don't know.

00:06:49.000 I don't know who the fuck does it.

00:06:50.000 Remember that lady that Patrice O'Neill was fighting with on MSNBC or Fox News? 0.99

00:06:54.000 Yes.

00:06:55.000 Yeah, like that type of woman. 1.00

00:06:56.000 She represents the people who complain.

00:06:58.000 Yeah, what the fuck, man?

00:07:00.000 It's just like, you don't even really understand what's even been said.

00:07:04.000 I was talking to this woman, and she told me in the middle of the conversation about some letter that she wrote to some something.

00:07:12.000 I forget if it was a show or a product that she didn't like.

00:07:15.000 But she was going off about how, so I wrote them a letter, telling them that I didn't find it.

00:07:19.000 I go, really?

00:07:20.000 You wrote them a letter?

00:07:21.000 Like, really?

00:07:22.000 The only reason to write a letter to a company is for the back-to-school reason.

00:07:26.000 I mean, summer school reason with Mark Harmon, where you get free shades and things like that when you're writing a letter.

00:07:32.000 I remember hearing that.

00:07:33.000 All you have to do is complain.

00:07:34.000 I got some bunk Gillette razors.

00:07:36.000 What's up?

00:07:37.000 I think your razors rule, but this is bullshit.

00:07:39.000 I used to do that all the time.

00:07:40.000 And it works?

00:07:41.000 Yeah, mostly restaurants were the best, because I'd go to a restaurant, and even if it was just mediocre, instead of just writing a review, I'd just send a letter to Applebee's.

00:07:49.000 Like, dude, I went to Applebee's.

00:07:51.000 The waiter was like, I mean, 20 minutes for a soup, really?

00:07:53.000 They'll send you a gift certificate back for $50.

00:07:56.000 And I'm like, ah, ding!

00:07:57.000 Have you ever seen anybody in person trying to run that scam in a restaurant?

00:08:00.000 What?

00:08:01.000 Complain?

00:08:01.000 The fake complaint scam?

00:08:04.000 I've seen real complaints from Jewish delis, but they're just really complaining about everything. 1.00

00:08:08.000 Well, there's people that complain, like this soup's cold, or this corned beef is rough.

00:08:12.000 That's all legit.

00:08:14.000 I mean, I had to send a pastrami Reuben back once at Jerry's Famous Deli.

00:08:18.000 It turns out they cut it the wrong way, but it wasn't bad.

00:08:20.000 But if you cut it one way, it's real rough.

00:08:22.000 It doesn't bite right.

00:08:23.000 Yeah, but if you cut it another way, it breaks up.

00:08:25.000 Which is incredible when you think about it.

00:08:28.000 It doesn't.

00:08:29.000 Brisket's the same way.

00:08:29.000 You've got to cut it with a grain or it gets a grain.

00:08:31.000 I forget which one it is.

00:08:31.000 Can't you just move your hands to the left?

00:08:34.000 No, you would think so.

00:08:35.000 But what it is, when you cut it with the tendon, Like, along the grain of the tendon, which is apparently the wrong way.

00:08:43.000 Then it's like chewing these tendons.

00:08:45.000 Tendons is the wrong word.

00:08:46.000 Muscle fibers.

00:08:47.000 But if you cut it against it, I guess then it comes out.

00:08:49.000 My dad showed me a taste test once on a brisket.

00:08:51.000 He showed me, and he was like, look, if I cut it wrong, he gave me each.

00:08:54.000 I was like, ugh.

00:08:54.000 It just bites wrong.

00:08:57.000 Wow.

00:08:57.000 That's what it is.

00:09:00.000 Yeah.

00:09:00.000 Fuck, I was going to say something.

00:09:01.000 So you sent that back.

00:09:02.000 You complained.

00:09:03.000 That was the only thing ever.

00:09:04.000 Yeah, the people that complained ever are idiots.

00:09:07.000 Oh, no, this is what it is.

00:09:09.000 I watched this happen in a restaurant.

00:09:11.000 I was at Spago, which is an excellent restaurant.

00:09:14.000 I mean, Spago in Maui, in Hawaii.

00:09:17.000 It's really expensive.

00:09:18.000 It's at the Four Seasons.

00:09:19.000 And it's a five-star restaurant.

00:09:20.000 I mean, it's jamming.

00:09:21.000 The food there is intense.

00:09:23.000 It's really good.

00:09:24.000 It's one of those places where you...

00:09:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:09:26.000 See this chef there?

00:09:27.000 Yeah, you eat there.

00:09:28.000 They have this miso cod.

00:09:30.000 You eat it, you're like, God damn, this is fucking delicious.

00:09:34.000 They're experts.

00:09:35.000 They're expert chefs.

00:09:37.000 So it's a high-end place.

00:09:38.000 So there's a lot of rich people there dining.

00:09:41.000 You look around.

00:09:42.000 And I'm on vacation.

00:09:43.000 I'm like, how much money did this guy steal?

00:09:45.000 Who's this corporate criminal?

00:09:47.000 It's that kind of shit.

00:09:48.000 And at this restaurant, the people behind us, There was this English couple, and they were totally working a scam. 1.00

00:09:55.000 It was so obvious.

00:09:57.000 One of them, the guy was like, you know, he kept saying, like, you guys, you've got to get your shit together here.

00:10:01.000 He goes, I've come here.

00:10:02.000 I've come here.

00:10:03.000 I've wanted to get the pork chop.

00:10:04.000 You tell me you're out of the pork chops.

00:10:06.000 But the pork chops are your special.

00:10:08.000 Like, mate, how are you running out of this?

00:10:09.000 I mean, this is shoddy, shoddy stuff.

00:10:11.000 And the guy's like, well, I apologize, sir.

00:10:13.000 But, you know, hopefully you can find another choice.

00:10:16.000 You know, and so he says, you know, our food didn't come at the same time.

00:10:21.000 Like, hers was over, you know.

00:10:22.000 He said it was like ten minutes later.

00:10:23.000 Was it Gordon Ramsay?

00:10:24.000 No, no, no.

00:10:25.000 It was just some dick.

00:10:26.000 And he was asking them to take money off.

00:10:28.000 Like, surely you can't expect us to be paying for this.

00:10:31.000 And he started talking about the rice.

00:10:32.000 And he goes, you bought over rice.

00:10:35.000 Her rice was so hot, it almost burnt her mouth.

00:10:37.000 I mean, mate, what is this?

00:10:39.000 Pussy pants mood. 1.00

00:10:41.000 They send something back.

00:10:43.000 We send it back because it's cold.

00:10:44.000 You bring it back because it's too hot.

00:10:45.000 Come on, man.

00:10:46.000 Get your shit together, mate.

00:10:47.000 He goes, this is intolerable.

00:10:49.000 He goes, you've got to do something to fix this.

00:10:53.000 Recompense us.

00:10:53.000 Yeah, whatever the word is.

00:10:56.000 Do something to make things right.

00:10:58.000 And I was like, wow, to compensate us.

00:11:00.000 You know, you can't compensate me for this.

00:11:02.000 You know, it was like, really, it was ridiculous.

00:11:03.000 And they kept going.

00:11:04.000 And the manager, it was a clumsy one.

00:11:07.000 Like, they were being way too obvious about it.

00:11:10.000 And what they were complaining about was way too little.

00:11:14.000 Also, it's like, if they don't have the special, it's like, well, then you should get up and leave immediately.

00:11:16.000 It's not like you were halfway through the meal, then it got bad.

00:11:18.000 You're complaining from the start.

00:11:19.000 Well, they complained about a few different things.

00:11:22.000 It took me a while to tune into them.

00:11:24.000 There was a certain cunty noise from behind me. 0.69

00:11:28.000 So it took me a while to tune into it.

00:11:31.000 And then once I tuned into it, then we actually watched them try to scam these waiters.

00:11:34.000 And then the waiter had to bring over a manager. 0.96

00:11:37.000 And the waiter clearly said to the manager that these people were scamming.

00:11:40.000 Because as the manager came back, he was like a stone-faced killer.

00:11:43.000 He's like, how can I help you?

00:11:44.000 What's going on here?

00:11:45.000 And the guy, like, runs his shit.

00:11:46.000 He goes, sir, we're out of the pork chops.

00:11:48.000 Any other questions?

00:11:48.000 What can I help you with?

00:11:49.000 Like, he just, like, kept them.

00:11:51.000 Like, sir, I'm confused here.

00:11:53.000 Is why you would think that we would compensate you for this, sir?

00:11:56.000 Like, why would you, uh, why would, your meal is insatisfactory.

00:11:59.000 This is an excellent restaurant.

00:12:00.000 I don't know what you're saying.

00:12:01.000 I could just, like, shut the guy down.

00:12:02.000 But it was ugly, man.

00:12:04.000 It lasted for, like, 15 minutes.

00:12:05.000 And it required everybody to pay attention to it because it was, you know, when you're in a restaurant and all of a sudden some shit goes wrong at some table and you hear people raise their voices, like, you have to pay attention, at least part of it, because someone might pull out a fucking gun or somebody might punch somebody.

00:12:20.000 It just commands your attention.

00:12:20.000 Yeah, it commands your attention, but your warning signals go off, at least mine do.

00:12:25.000 When I see people arguing, I always say, okay, what's going on here?

00:12:28.000 How much do I have to pay attention to this?

00:12:30.000 What is the threat level I'm assessing here?

00:12:32.000 You know, when people are in the middle of, you know, fucking yelling at each other, so I had to pay attention to these scumbags.

00:12:38.000 But it was weird.

00:12:39.000 It's weird seeing, like, people run scams.

00:12:41.000 Like, it's one thing to be a kid in Ohio trying to get fucking free lollipops or whatever you want.

00:12:46.000 But to be a grown man in his 40s with a woman who is clearly in on it, and they're trying to work this shit.

00:12:53.000 I feel bad.

00:12:53.000 That's the...

00:12:54.000 Joey Diaz, when he was younger, he robbed banks and mugged fags. 0.99

00:12:57.000 That's a better way to do it.

00:12:58.000 I feel bad about my past, but it's not as bad.

00:13:01.000 I used to do this scam when I was like 18, 17. I would go to these diners just to smoke cigarettes and drink coffee, and I had no money.

00:13:09.000 And so what I would do is, once in a while, I had chest hair when I was in high school.

00:13:13.000 Once in a while, I would just be like, oh, who wants free meals?

00:13:16.000 And I would just poke it and go, do you guys want some?

00:13:18.000 And I would give it to my friends.

00:13:20.000 Did you really do that?

00:13:21.000 Yes.

00:13:22.000 How many times did you do it?

00:13:22.000 Probably like four or five times.

00:13:24.000 Four or five times at the same place.

00:13:25.000 Yeah, TJ's on High Street.

00:13:27.000 There's a dude that I know that actually brings clipped nails, nail clippings, to restaurants.

00:13:33.000 He'll drop them in soups and his food and claim that people put that in there.

00:13:39.000 And he'll complain about it, and he does it on purpose.

00:13:42.000 So he eats most of it?

00:13:43.000 And he gets paid well, this guy.

00:13:45.000 Oh, they pay him?

00:13:45.000 No, no, no.

00:13:46.000 This guy is not a broke guy.

00:13:47.000 He's not a poor guy running a scam.

00:13:49.000 But he brings a little plastic bag, a little Ziploc bag of nail clippings.

00:13:53.000 Me and my friend Shane once.

00:13:54.000 I went to Arby's, and you know the fountain drinks?

00:13:57.000 They have these little black nozzles, and if you've worked in a restaurant, it's like what you usually take out to clean every night, and you put it in and twist it.

00:14:04.000 Anyways, we got a drink, and that black nozzle fell into his glass, and so we went home, and this is like when I first got a video camera, and he opened it up, and he was like, what is this thing after he's drank half of it?

00:14:16.000 He's like, what's this thing?

00:14:17.000 And he pulls it out, and it's the black nozzle, and inside of it is just mold, and The most disgusting shit ever.

00:14:23.000 So we filmed it, and we went to Arby's, and he's just bitching at the manager.

00:14:28.000 And we filmed the whole thing, and he's like, no, I want some free shit.

00:14:31.000 And he turned it into, I want some free Arby's.

00:14:34.000 No, you're going to pay me.

00:14:35.000 You're not going to bring it up.

00:14:35.000 I'll bring it up.

00:14:36.000 And the funny thing is, she wouldn't give him anything.

00:14:38.000 Really?

00:14:39.000 Anything.

00:14:40.000 Oh, that was the internet days.

00:14:41.000 You would have killed him.

00:14:42.000 Yeah, in the internet days.

00:14:43.000 In the video, she's like, I don't care.

00:14:45.000 She's like, here, I'll give you a dollar back for your drink. 0.99

00:14:47.000 And he gives a dollar back to the drink.

00:14:49.000 And he's like, are you kidding me?

00:14:50.000 We could send this to the fucking news.

00:14:53.000 And she goes, I don't give a, you know, I don't care.

00:14:54.000 She called your bluff. 1.00

00:14:55.000 I know.

00:14:55.000 And I have that video somewhere.

00:14:58.000 And she was right.

00:14:59.000 You didn't do shit.

00:14:59.000 She called your bluff.

00:15:00.000 You didn't do crap.

00:15:01.000 She's long dead, of course, at Arby's.

00:15:03.000 But if you look at that video, you'll be disgusted.

00:15:06.000 Like, yeah, if it was the internet days, I sent that picture of just that nozzle to Arby's.

00:15:09.000 You gotta find that video.

00:15:10.000 It's amazing that restaurants are as clean as they are when you think about it, you know?

00:15:14.000 All those fucking lazy people working in there.

00:15:15.000 But they're not.

00:15:16.000 They're not.

00:15:17.000 You ever see But not clean.

00:15:19.000 Kitchen Nightmares.

00:15:20.000 One of the best TV shows ever from Gordon Ramsay, but I think they canceled it.

00:15:24.000 They have the UK version and the American version.

00:15:27.000 They go to crappy restaurants.

00:15:28.000 Yeah, they go to places where they're just a wreck.

00:15:30.000 Yeah, but what sucks is there's a restaurant down the street from me in Burbank that was on that show.

00:15:35.000 Oh, no.

00:15:35.000 One of the worst episodes.

00:15:37.000 And anyways, you can get on Torrance, but there's one Mexican restaurant where they go in the back, and I guess a lot of Mexican restaurants do this.

00:15:44.000 They have a big bucket that they get at Home Depot, and they just put all the beans in it.

00:15:49.000 And they have these bucket of beans where they just scoop out every day, like, here's your beans, here's your beans.

00:15:54.000 They pulled that bucket of beans out.

00:15:56.000 One side of it was fucking mold.

00:15:58.000 The other side was like a breakthrough where the hard layer in the top broke through.

00:16:01.000 Wait a minute, where was it?

00:16:03.000 It was a Mexican restaurant on...

00:16:05.000 There's mold on the beans?

00:16:07.000 Yeah, on one side it was mold, and the top layer was so hard that they broke through like ice, like North Pole style, to get the beans underneath that were still...

00:16:15.000 It was so hard.

00:16:16.000 Really?

00:16:18.000 That's the beans they serve to people?

00:16:20.000 If anyone's ever seen this episode, they will know.

00:16:22.000 I think about it every time I go to a Mexican restaurant.

00:16:24.000 Are those the beans they serve to people?

00:16:25.000 Yes, and they served it to him in the show.

00:16:27.000 That's why this show is so great because every episode he goes into the kitchen and finds the exact same kind of shit.

00:16:33.000 Yeah, that part's the fake part.

00:16:34.000 It freaks you the fuck out where you don't want to eat at a restaurant ever again after watching that.

00:16:38.000 But it's on Torrance Kitchen Nightmares US version.

00:16:42.000 God damn.

00:16:43.000 Yeah.

00:16:43.000 Yeah, there's a lot, man.

00:16:44.000 You do risk it.

00:16:45.000 When you go somewhere and you buy someone else's preparation, you do risk it, you know?

00:16:50.000 Yeah.

00:16:50.000 You do risk it.

00:16:51.000 I've worked in restaurants before.

00:16:54.000 Whatever, you got to tune it out.

00:16:55.000 You got to tune it out.

00:16:56.000 A girl that I was dating got in trouble for spitting in someone's milkshake. 1.00

00:17:01.000 Ugh.

00:17:02.000 You should get in a lot of trouble for that.

00:17:04.000 That ruins your faith in the system.

00:17:05.000 That shit happens all the time, too.

00:17:07.000 I used to do that as a waiter all the fucking time, putting my balls on people's breadsticks and shit like that.

00:17:11.000 Yeah, I guess the dude was a dick, so she spit in his fucking milkshake. 1.00

00:17:14.000 People, that's always an option to be a dick.

00:17:16.000 Just don't do it.

00:17:17.000 It's so easy.

00:17:17.000 Don't do it.

00:17:18.000 Meanwhile, she was kind of pretty.

00:17:19.000 Probably would have let her spit in his mouth. 0.99

00:17:21.000 Can you imagine being a cop going to a restaurant?

00:17:23.000 Can you imagine being a cop going to a restaurant?

00:17:26.000 You know how many times people probably see a cop walking into a restaurant and fucking fuck that cop?

00:17:30.000 Oh yeah, for sure.

00:17:31.000 Especially some former prisoners.

00:17:34.000 No one likes them.

00:17:34.000 Oh yeah, man.

00:17:36.000 Holtzman became a meter maid, didn't he?

00:17:37.000 Yeah, I think for a little while.

00:17:39.000 Yeah, Metermade is a terrible job.

00:17:41.000 You're just getting negative energy all day.

00:17:43.000 Nobody's nice to Metermades, man. 0.99

00:17:45.000 It would probably change Metermade's world if they would give them the option to stop halfway through a ticket.

00:17:50.000 If they actually could do that and make some people's days.

00:17:53.000 Yeah, right?

00:17:53.000 They can't?

00:17:54.000 Or can they?

00:17:54.000 They always say, I can't stop once I've started.

00:17:56.000 That was always the stereotype, the cliche.

00:17:58.000 But is that true?

00:17:59.000 I don't know.

00:17:59.000 But if they could, they would win over so many more fans.

00:18:03.000 It's so goddamn ridiculous that you have to give someone money to put your car somewhere.

00:18:08.000 Fuck you! 0.99

00:18:09.000 Fuck you.

00:18:09.000 Just fuck you.

00:18:12.000 That's ridiculous.

00:18:14.000 No one will be able to get anywhere.

00:18:15.000 So what?

00:18:16.000 So put up a sign that says you can't park forever and then tow the fucks who do. 0.99

00:18:20.000 It's that simple.

00:18:21.000 I mean, it's one thing if you live in one of those places like in West Hollywood, it's kind of crazy because they have all these spots where you can only park if you're a resident.

00:18:29.000 Because there's really way too many people for this area.

00:18:32.000 Yes, the residents would never be able to park.

00:18:34.000 Even the residents can't park.

00:18:35.000 There's too many for the residents.

00:18:37.000 As it is, there's too many.

00:18:38.000 There's not enough parking spots for all the cars.

00:18:40.000 Because there's all these apartment buildings, and everybody in L.A. drives.

00:18:44.000 So if you look at an apartment building, you're looking at one area that's not that big on a block, but might have 100 units in it.

00:18:51.000 Yeah, 40 people for four cars worth of spots.

00:18:53.000 It's a hundred cars.

00:18:54.000 A hundred cars is like the whole block, but there's a lot of other shit on that block besides that apartment building.

00:18:59.000 So it becomes a goddamn nightmare.

00:19:01.000 But that kind of makes sense.

00:19:03.000 Like, resident parking, like, don't park it.

00:19:05.000 That's, you know, these people live here.

00:19:07.000 Yeah, it sucks if you want to visit somebody, but that's better than if you lived there and it was intolerable.

00:19:12.000 Every day you couldn't get a parking spot.

00:19:13.000 But to charge people for parking on the fucking public streets...

00:19:17.000 Fuck you.

00:19:18.000 You know, it's just, it's ridiculous.

00:19:20.000 You shouldn't get any fucking money for someone who's shopping in a store, wants to pull over. 0.82

00:19:25.000 The fuck you!

00:19:26.000 You get a dollar for that?

00:19:28.000 Why?

00:19:29.000 Well, the biggest problem would be, though, not doing that, is then people would just abandon their cars there and, like, live in their cars.

00:19:35.000 So they can't do that.

00:19:35.000 Unless they have a two-hour free parking or one-hour free parking.

00:19:38.000 There has to be some kind of law.

00:19:40.000 No parking for more than two hours.

00:19:42.000 You're making it across the board.

00:19:44.000 That I don't mind.

00:19:45.000 If someone violates like a normal rule and then you give them a ticket to kind of keep order, you know, hey man, you can't just be leaving your car parked sideways like that douchebag.

00:19:52.000 You get a ticket for that.

00:19:53.000 But meters in general, you're not...

00:19:55.000 Yeah, but meters, man?

00:19:56.000 Fuck that.

00:19:57.000 Yeah.

00:19:58.000 That's gross.

00:19:59.000 Especially the long ones.

00:20:00.000 If you go to LA, sometimes there's like 20 signs.

00:20:03.000 And you seriously just have to sit there and it's like a video game trying to read all the signs.

00:20:08.000 I gotta take it the last time we were in Pasadena.

00:20:10.000 Because it was like, no parking from this hour and this hour.

00:20:13.000 Tuesdays, you can't park here at all after this time.

00:20:15.000 I just need to take a photo.

00:20:17.000 You gotta do the math.

00:20:18.000 You have to do math when you read the fucking parking sign.

00:20:21.000 Yeah, the thing is, too, you take a photo and you get a ticket, and what are you gonna do?

00:20:23.000 You're really gonna fucking fight it?

00:20:25.000 Yeah, it takes forever.

00:20:26.000 You gotta go to court.

00:20:27.000 It's a fucking...

00:20:28.000 How much is a party ticket?

00:20:29.000 How much is it?

00:20:30.000 It's like $60 or $70.

00:20:32.000 Yeah.

00:20:33.000 It's like, there's no way.

00:20:34.000 And I always forget to pay them.

00:20:35.000 I'm gonna do that work.

00:20:36.000 Yeah, then it doubles.

00:20:37.000 It obviously doubles.

00:20:39.000 You know what really kills me is when cops have quotas.

00:20:43.000 You know, cops have quotas if they have to reach, if they have to pull over a certain amount of people for a certain amount of things.

00:20:49.000 I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

00:20:50.000 Yeah, and that's why, like, certain times of the month, you'll see just nonstop cops pulling people over all the time, and then next week you won't see anything.

00:20:56.000 But what's crazy is, what if no one commits a crime?

00:21:00.000 I mean, what if we got everybody to keep their shit together for a month, and these cops still have quotas?

00:21:06.000 That would be a crazy movie.

00:21:07.000 Like, if a town committed...

00:21:09.000 Yeah, got all the cops fired.

00:21:10.000 Yeah, if you had a big...

00:21:12.000 Like, say if it was Boulder, Colorado, where it's like 100,000 people.

00:21:15.000 You could almost get 100,000 people to never commit any crimes.

00:21:19.000 Don't speed just for the last week.

00:21:21.000 For one month, let's show these fucking cops that you can't have quotas that say that, you know, certain X amount of people have to be speeding.

00:21:29.000 Just the last week when they're trying to get everybody.

00:21:31.000 Unfortunately, our laws are written in such a way where they can pull you over for anything they probably want to.

00:21:36.000 They can find a way to pull you over, no matter what.

00:21:38.000 Like, oh, you didn't turn on your signal three seconds before you merged into the next lane.

00:21:43.000 That's actually a law, you know, or something like that, where they can pull you over for anything.

00:21:46.000 I bet they get it.

00:21:47.000 It's strict, too.

00:21:47.000 You know what I mean?

00:21:49.000 Remember Soul Man when he pulled him over for not signaling?

00:21:52.000 Did you just say, remember Soul Man?

00:21:54.000 Yeah.

00:21:55.000 And then quote a scene.

00:21:57.000 That's hilarious.

00:21:58.000 The cop was following him like three feet behind him when the white guy took tanning pills and turned black.

00:22:04.000 The cop was following him like three feet behind him and then eventually he did a swerve because someone opened their door, swerved around their door and the cop pulled the lights on.

00:22:12.000 Switching lines without a signal.

00:22:14.000 Yeah, how risky was that movie when that came out?

00:22:16.000 I remember thinking that for the first time?

00:22:18.000 You got a scholarship.

00:22:19.000 And then you started dating a black chick. 0.99

00:22:22.000 Whatever happened to that dude?

00:22:24.000 Is that C. Thomas Howell?

00:22:25.000 I think it is.

00:22:26.000 Where is that guy?

00:22:27.000 That guy vanished.

00:22:29.000 He's another Cuba Gooding Jr. A lot of those actors, you don't understand, they reach a higher level of consciousness and they just kind of disappear into the ether.

00:22:36.000 They probably do the right thing, invest their money and live on an island somewhere and just get out of it.

00:22:43.000 That's what I would do.

00:22:43.000 I was in Balboa.

00:22:44.000 Have you ever heard of Balboa Island?

00:22:46.000 No.

00:22:46.000 It's this island off of Newport Beach and it costs a dollar to get over on this ferry.

00:22:51.000 It's awesome.

00:22:51.000 You just drive onto this ferry and it goes right over.

00:22:53.000 It's like a dollar.

00:22:54.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:22:55.000 But Catalina is hard to get a ferry, right?

00:22:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:22:58.000 You get your car over there.

00:22:59.000 It's more expensive than that.

00:23:00.000 It's super small, though.

00:23:01.000 And the houses are fucking amazing.

00:23:04.000 There's not even a cop that lives on this island.

00:23:06.000 And people just had their doors wide open.

00:23:08.000 So you'd walk by and just see people, like, sitting in their house.

00:23:11.000 And they had a Starbucks.

00:23:12.000 And it was the most peaceful fucking shit ever.

00:23:15.000 Yeah, small numbers of people with money tend to be peaceful.

00:23:19.000 Yeah, definitely.

00:23:20.000 So if I got to a certain amount of money, I think, I think I would just take that money, invest it in something that makes me money every month, and just fucking live somewhere like that.

00:23:29.000 Listen to this motherfucker pretending that he's an investor.

00:23:32.000 Yeah, I would just invest in something that makes me money every month.

00:23:35.000 So simple.

00:23:36.000 So simple.

00:23:37.000 Like property, renting out property.

00:23:39.000 That's probably one of the easiest things ever if you had money.

00:23:41.000 No, it's not in this day and age, man.

00:23:43.000 It's actually really hard.

00:23:44.000 In fact, there's a reason why when you drive around and you see all these offices for rent.

00:23:49.000 I mean, apartments in Los Angeles.

00:23:52.000 This is a renter's market, believe it or not.

00:23:54.000 There's apartments available everywhere, which is really crazy.

00:23:58.000 What do they expect?

00:23:59.000 How many people do they expect to move here?

00:24:00.000 There's so many extra apartments.

00:24:02.000 How many fucking people are still coming?

00:24:06.000 When did you move here?

00:24:07.000 What year was it?

00:24:08.000 99. Do you notice a discernible difference between 99 and 2011 as far as traffic?

00:24:13.000 Less.

00:24:14.000 You think it's less now?

00:24:15.000 Less than like...

00:24:16.000 I noticed this like a year and a half ago.

00:24:19.000 It's way less than three years before that.

00:24:20.000 That's because you just started smoking weed.

00:24:22.000 No, no, no.

00:24:23.000 That's how that is, bro.

00:24:25.000 You started looking at things different.

00:24:26.000 It's because of the recession.

00:24:27.000 Really?

00:24:27.000 You think people are driving less?

00:24:27.000 I eventually noticed it because I had to stop doing a joke about that.

00:24:30.000 I was like, why are the freeway so packed if everyone's supposed to be not working?

00:24:34.000 But then I was like...

00:24:35.000 Stop doing a joke.

00:24:35.000 Dude, keep doing that joke.

00:24:37.000 The freeways are goddamn packed.

00:24:38.000 No, I only noticed the opposite.

00:24:39.000 I'm like, I'm getting to Brea way faster.

00:24:41.000 I'm getting to all these places way faster.

00:24:43.000 Well, I think it's just luck.

00:24:44.000 I think that's just someone not crashing.

00:24:46.000 You fly over in the 405 at 5 in the afternoon.

00:24:48.000 Yeah, there's still some traffic.

00:24:49.000 It's just not...

00:24:50.000 It doesn't seem as bad to me.

00:24:51.000 Orange County is the worst.

00:24:53.000 That area, like, were you talking about Newport Beach?

00:24:55.000 For every...

00:24:56.000 Oh, Newport Beach is nice.

00:24:57.000 Getting down there is insane.

00:24:59.000 Anytime we gotta go to Irvine, you know, we're doing the Irvine improv, anytime we're doing that, I'm always like, oh, here we go.

00:25:06.000 I started going completely up and around.

00:25:08.000 Really?

00:25:09.000 Instead of going by the ocean, I take the 210. I go way the fuck out of my way.

00:25:13.000 It's like 30 miles longer.

00:25:15.000 Oh, really?

00:25:16.000 It's way above.

00:25:17.000 But you cruise...

00:25:19.000 When you go away from the ocean, man, that's when you can just fucking make some traffic movement.

00:25:24.000 You can make some movement.

00:25:25.000 You can get some progress done if you go far away from the ocean.

00:25:27.000 You've got to go away from the ocean and up high.

00:25:29.000 But as soon as you close in on that ocean, you get like 405...

00:25:34.000 And the five goes the direction of the ocean.

00:25:40.000 It's all along the shore.

00:25:42.000 I mean, it's a couple miles in, but it's along the shore.

00:25:45.000 You're traveling the same way that the ocean goes.

00:25:49.000 It's everybody going from Mexico to California and San Diego to California and every fucking weird town in between.

00:25:56.000 There's just too many goddamn people.

00:25:58.000 But if you just go up to the 210, you go up high, like to 57 north and go up high, you can actually move.

00:26:04.000 Get all around it.

00:26:04.000 It's crazy, yeah.

00:26:05.000 There's ways around it.

00:26:07.000 California, it's way, way, way, way easier to get to where you need to go than, like, say, New York.

00:26:14.000 If you're in New York and you're fucked, if you're fucked, like, say, if you're in the Bronx and you need to get to Manhattan, you've got a couple different bridges you can take and they're both fucked up.

00:26:22.000 Yeah.

00:26:23.000 Or you can go in on the 95, you can do that, and that's going to be fucked up, too. 0.87

00:26:26.000 That's a don't drive city.

00:26:27.000 Yeah, good luck, stupid.

00:26:29.000 Yeah, that city.

00:26:30.000 To get into Manhattan is...

00:26:32.000 Like, I used to have an acting class that they made me take, and this lady was always mad because I was always, like, 20 minutes late. 1.00

00:26:38.000 And I'm like, look, I'm sorry, but it took me two and a half hours to get here.

00:26:42.000 What?

00:26:42.000 Oh, yeah.

00:26:43.000 All the time.

00:26:44.000 All the time.

00:26:45.000 Coming from where?

00:26:45.000 Coming from New Rochelle, which is like the Bronx.

00:26:48.000 Oh.

00:26:48.000 Two and a half hours was normal.

00:26:50.000 You would get on that highway, and it was one of those...

00:26:52.000 They built highways so stupid on the East Coast.

00:26:55.000 They didn't get it.

00:26:56.000 They didn't get it.

00:26:57.000 They didn't know there was going to be that many people there.

00:26:59.000 So these highways are all like fucking three lanes on each side, four lanes at the most.

00:27:03.000 They don't have these giant, expansive, 405-style, eight, nine-lane highways.

00:27:09.000 They don't have them.

00:27:09.000 They're small.

00:27:10.000 Yeah.

00:27:11.000 Especially Boston.

00:27:12.000 I go on the Massachusetts Turnpike.

00:27:15.000 I go on the Turnpike when I go back home, and I can't believe they call this a Turnpike.

00:27:19.000 It's fucking two lanes on each side.

00:27:21.000 It's ridiculously small.

00:27:24.000 It's such a small little-ass shitbag road.

00:27:27.000 Like the way to get to the Cape.

00:27:28.000 Just like, my God, this little tiny-ass road.

00:27:31.000 They didn't anticipate that shit at all.

00:27:34.000 That many people...

00:27:36.000 But that's not that long ago, man.

00:27:38.000 Think about it.

00:27:39.000 The invention of the automobile was only 100 years ago, right?

00:27:41.000 A little bit more than that.

00:27:42.000 It was like the early 1800s.

00:27:44.000 Is that what it was?

00:27:45.000 When did Henry Ford...

00:27:46.000 No, 1900s.

00:27:47.000 Those cities were always overcrowded.

00:27:49.000 People moved right up to the roads immediately.

00:27:51.000 Yeah, when did the automobile get invented?

00:27:54.000 1941. Yeah?

00:27:55.000 No.

00:27:56.000 No.

00:27:56.000 I like how you just did that.

00:27:57.000 I was having the Holocaust down. 0.77

00:28:00.000 Automobile.

00:28:00.000 Let's see.

00:28:01.000 The auto car.

00:28:02.000 Let's see.

00:28:03.000 What year was this motherfucker?

00:28:06.000 Hmm...

00:28:07.000 Is there a car, like an SUV, that gets super awesome gas mileage like a Priya or anything like that yet?

00:28:13.000 Is there a car that gets awesome gas mileage?

00:28:15.000 Like an SUV-typed car yet.

00:28:16.000 They have hybrids, SUV hybrids.

00:28:18.000 Wow, sweat this.

00:28:19.000 The first fucking steam-powered vehicle was designed by this dude who was a Flemish member of a Jesuit mission in China in 1672. Really?

00:28:32.000 Yeah.

00:28:33.000 It was a scale model for the Chinese emperor.

00:28:36.000 Wow.

00:28:37.000 It was an inability to carry a driver or a passenger, but this guy figured that out in 1672. That's fucking incredible.

00:28:44.000 And then in 1752, some Russian dude constructed a human-pedaled four-wheeled auto-running carriage and proposed to equip it with an odometer to use the same principle for making a self-pedaled switch.

00:28:58.000 How long now would it take, once you design that steam-powered model, until you just fucking put it into practice in a real car?

00:29:03.000 Eight years?

00:29:04.000 Today?

00:29:04.000 Yeah.

00:29:05.000 I don't know.

00:29:05.000 I have no idea, but it wouldn't take long.

00:29:07.000 What would you guess?

00:29:07.000 It wouldn't take as many years as it would back then.

00:29:10.000 It was eight years before somebody even came up with something similar.

00:29:13.000 You had to make your own tools to work on it.

00:29:15.000 That's a good point.

00:29:16.000 You know, how about that?

00:29:17.000 You just can't go to Heckinger's.

00:29:18.000 Yeah, you can't just fucking go to Pet Boy's.

00:29:21.000 They still have Heckinger's?

00:29:23.000 I think they went out of business.

00:29:24.000 I forgot about that name.

00:29:26.000 How crazy would that be?

00:29:27.000 You would have to make a machine and then make the parts and then make the fucking tools to work on the machine.

00:29:33.000 Call a blacksmith. 0.93

00:29:34.000 So apparently it was like they got their shit together where, you know, it was like the late 1800s it seems like they started really, really rocking it.

00:29:44.000 Yeah.

00:29:45.000 I thought it was, I thought that Ford, Henry Ford invented the car.

00:29:51.000 Isn't that what we're always told?

00:29:52.000 I think he was the first mass producer.

00:29:54.000 Yeah, mass producer.

00:29:56.000 What's it called mine?

00:29:57.000 Manufacturer.

00:29:58.000 Because it says that Germany was the first, the first automobile powered by its own four-stroke cycle gasoline engine was built in Mannheim, Germany in 1885. Germany.

00:30:10.000 Germany.

00:30:10.000 Could you imagine how fucking weird it must have been even thinking about other countries that are on the other side of the ocean in 1885?

00:30:17.000 When we think about Germany or we think about England, at least for me, I've been there.

00:30:22.000 I've been to both of them a couple of times.

00:30:24.000 When America seceded.

00:30:26.000 People in England were like, I don't even know anyone who's even been there.

00:30:29.000 I don't even know anyone.

00:30:30.000 Nobody knew anyone.

00:30:31.000 Because if you went there, you never went back.

00:30:33.000 You know, it takes too long.

00:30:34.000 It's months.

00:30:35.000 Like, how long does it take on a boat to get to America?

00:30:38.000 A long time.

00:30:39.000 Right now, it's at least a week, right?

00:30:41.000 And a lot of people die along the way.

00:30:42.000 My dad took a boat here.

00:30:44.000 Oh, my grandparents did.

00:30:46.000 My grandparents both came by boat.

00:30:47.000 Did he sneak in?

00:30:48.000 He did not sneak in, no.

00:30:50.000 They let Jews in, dude.

00:30:51.000 They don't even need green cards.

00:30:53.000 They go, come on in, we need more Jews. 1.00

00:30:55.000 But if you're an Arab or a Mexican, they go, hey, get in that room over here. 1.00

00:31:01.000 You know Ari's doing more Amazing Racist videos? 1.00

00:31:04.000 Are you really?

00:31:04.000 Yeah, she did so.

00:31:06.000 Find the juice.

00:31:08.000 Brian said that with an unhappy tone.

00:31:10.000 Did you hear that?

00:31:11.000 Did you catch that?

00:31:12.000 A judgmental tone.

00:31:12.000 I worry about it.

00:31:13.000 I worry about it a little already.

00:31:15.000 What are you doing?

00:31:16.000 What are the next ones?

00:31:18.000 Jews.

00:31:19.000 Okay, that's good.

00:31:21.000 I went to a Jewish market.

00:31:23.000 White people in general are easy to pick on.

00:31:25.000 You should go only after white people with those. 1.00

00:31:28.000 It's hard.

00:31:28.000 I thought for years of how to get to whites, and I can't think of anything.

00:31:31.000 There's no angle that gets them offended as a race.

00:31:34.000 What are you talking about?

00:31:35.000 It would have to be an individual thing, like a black guy married your daughter. 0.80

00:31:38.000 No flavor.

00:31:39.000 But that won't get them mad to say, look at me pointing out that white people have little dicks. 0.99

00:31:45.000 So what you're saying, what an angle to do for a sketch.

00:31:48.000 Yeah.

00:31:48.000 Let's throw it up on Twitter, man.

00:31:49.000 People will come up with an angle for you.

00:31:51.000 Yeah.

00:31:51.000 But the thing is, it would have to make them mad just seeing it.

00:31:54.000 Like the Klan makes black people mad just seeing it.

00:31:56.000 The only way it's going to be making white people mad is if you make black people move into their neighborhood and start partying. 0.70

00:32:00.000 Yeah.

00:32:01.000 But that won't offend them as a race.

00:32:03.000 When white people see that at home, they won't get offended.

00:32:06.000 Right.

00:32:06.000 I see what you're saying.

00:32:07.000 Only the people in that neighborhood will be upset.

00:32:09.000 You do racist shit around black people, like wear a KKK outfit, and they want to beat your ass.

00:32:13.000 They're offended.

00:32:14.000 But you can't do that to white people.

00:32:15.000 Just by the image, they get upset about it.

00:32:17.000 It's true.

00:32:18.000 White people dominated, unfortunately.

00:32:20.000 Yeah.

00:32:20.000 And there's a lot of white people that are just cool with things.

00:32:21.000 You say unfortunately, but look, if you want to look historically...

00:32:24.000 I'd way rather be on the team win.

00:32:26.000 Yeah.

00:32:28.000 And as far as, like, giant groups of people that run shit, what are the options?

00:32:32.000 There's white people, black people, Asians, and Arabs, right?

00:32:37.000 Those are the options of giant groups of people that are running shit.

00:32:41.000 Arabs, yeah.

00:32:42.000 Right?

00:32:42.000 Those are the entire groups.

00:32:43.000 And if you look at all of them, it seems like if America is the one that's run by the white people, it seems like you can get away with the most corporate crime, but it seems like you're pretty hard on the other kind of crime. 0.59

00:32:54.000 China, you can get away with a lot of corporate crime.

00:32:56.000 Yes.

00:32:56.000 They just bootleg stuff.

00:32:58.000 That's because they blend in so easily.

00:33:00.000 They're human races camouflaged. 0.99

00:33:03.000 Did you hear what they did?

00:33:04.000 They had fake Apple stores selling fake Apple products, and the employees, the people that were working there, actually thought they were working for Apple.

00:33:13.000 Wow!

00:33:13.000 Good one!

00:33:14.000 And it's actually not against the law for them to do that, but they have to get the special permits, and only three of the stores or two of the stores actually had the permits, but the other ones didn't.

00:33:23.000 Isn't that hilarious?

00:33:23.000 Yeah.

00:33:24.000 But if you looked at that, it seems like China would be way suppressive.

00:33:27.000 But then you've got to look at it and go, well, yeah, maybe it's because there's a billion fucking people over there, man.

00:33:32.000 Yeah, they're like, if you've got a copy of the fucking Matrix, yeah, I guess copy it and tell it to people what they want.

00:33:36.000 They've got other shit to worry about.

00:33:37.000 When there's a billion fucking people and everybody's eating bugs because there's no food, you know, you go over to China, man, they eat bugs. 0.87

00:33:44.000 You know, it's true.

00:33:45.000 They eat a lot of other things, but they eat a lot of bugs.

00:33:48.000 It's real common.

00:33:48.000 They feed kimchi sauce to their babies in bottles.

00:33:52.000 Really?

00:33:53.000 Kimchi sauce?

00:33:54.000 What?

00:33:55.000 No.

00:33:56.000 How dare you?

00:33:57.000 I was like, I love kimchi, but it's so spicy.

00:34:01.000 That's hilarious.

00:34:02.000 It's funny how babies have taste buds, though, for certain shit.

00:34:05.000 Like, my littlest baby, the one that's only a year and three months, she loves spicy shit.

00:34:10.000 Really?

00:34:10.000 Yeah, she grabs pepperoni, and I'm looking at her, and I'm like, oh, she's going to hate this.

00:34:13.000 She's like, give me more.

00:34:15.000 Like, she got some hot sauce the other day and loved it.

00:34:17.000 Which one?

00:34:18.000 The little one.

00:34:19.000 The tiny one.

00:34:20.000 Maybe she doesn't have the burn buds yet. 0.80

00:34:21.000 It wasn't real hot.

00:34:23.000 It was like tapatillo.

00:34:24.000 But it was on like a little piece of chicken.

00:34:26.000 It was a little piece of chicken and she fucking dug in, man. 1.00

00:34:29.000 Wow.

00:34:29.000 That's crazy.

00:34:30.000 Train her now.

00:34:30.000 Spicy garlic sauce.

00:34:32.000 It was like a really garlicky sauce.

00:34:34.000 She was licking it up. 0.86

00:34:35.000 She liked it.

00:34:36.000 It's weird.

00:34:37.000 Nice.

00:34:37.000 But the other one, man, fuck.

00:34:39.000 You can't get anything.

00:34:39.000 You just start crying.

00:34:40.000 It's weird.

00:34:40.000 Spicy!

00:34:41.000 Spicy!

00:34:42.000 Like, mild-ass Indian food.

00:34:44.000 Super mild.

00:34:45.000 She'll start crying. 1.00

00:34:46.000 I made my grandfather's pickle recipe.

00:34:47.000 We did it again.

00:34:48.000 Me and Taylor did it.

00:34:49.000 Spicy pickles?

00:34:50.000 Yeah, I didn't put in five times as much too salt by accident.

00:34:53.000 You put five times too much?

00:34:54.000 Yeah, but when we made them, I put two cups instead of, like, two pinches.

00:34:57.000 It was, like, something ridiculous.

00:34:58.000 Oh, wow.

00:34:59.000 Yeah.

00:34:59.000 And I still try to eat through those pickles.

00:35:00.000 I'm like, I made them.

00:35:01.000 I'm gonna give them a go.

00:35:02.000 Ugh.

00:35:02.000 But yeah, this time we came out right.

00:35:04.000 They're so good.

00:35:04.000 And they're so spicy.

00:35:05.000 You get the sweat under the eyes.

00:35:07.000 Really?

00:35:07.000 Yeah, it's so good, but it's ugh.

00:35:09.000 I was wondering if I was wrong.

00:35:10.000 I'm so happy with it.

00:35:11.000 We would eat one because we spent a month doing this shit.

00:35:14.000 Yeah, leave them out of the sun.

00:35:15.000 And then we would eat one.

00:35:16.000 Yeah, it's good.

00:35:18.000 My favorite all-time hot sauce is El Yucateca.

00:35:22.000 You know that shit?

00:35:23.000 Yeah, I've had that.

00:35:23.000 The Mexican hot sauce.

00:35:24.000 They had that at the griddle.

00:35:26.000 The green habanero.

00:35:28.000 Yeah, that's good.

00:35:29.000 God damn, it's so good.

00:35:30.000 I forgot how good it was until we started doing Fear Factor again because the caterers always have that shit.

00:35:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:35:35.000 And the caterers had some, and I threw some on some carne asada the other day.

00:35:38.000 I'm like, God damn, this is good.

00:35:40.000 It's just so flavorful and powerful.

00:35:42.000 But that's like the real, legit Mexican shit. 1.00

00:35:45.000 It's got a Spanish label.

00:35:46.000 That's the real shit.

00:35:48.000 You can get that by like 30 cents a bottle.

00:35:49.000 Yeah, it's amazing how many different cultures have just like so much different flavor to their foods.

00:35:56.000 Mexican food, there's a certain style of cooking and eating.

00:36:01.000 Spicy as fuck.

00:36:03.000 Some of their salsa is incredible.

00:36:06.000 And then you look at Irish food.

00:36:08.000 It's like boiled potatoes, boiled corned beef, boiled sauerkraut.

00:36:14.000 That's why the Italians have the... 1.00

00:36:16.000 A lot of it is a result of the industries and stuff.

00:36:18.000 The Italians were all poor, so they just made pasta. 1.00

00:36:21.000 It's the cheapest, easiest stuff to make.

00:36:23.000 Yeah, it fills your stomach.

00:36:25.000 Yeah, and they just shape it differently.

00:36:26.000 That's the only variety you get is by shaping it slightly differently.

00:36:29.000 It is really amazing when you think about how the food defines how people behave too, like connected to how you feel like they behave.

00:36:36.000 Like Italians are all about passion and their food is very passionate and rich and delicious and flavorful.

00:36:41.000 But then you go with the Irish and they're like, have another beer.

00:36:45.000 They're just watering themselves down with beer and smoking cigarettes.

00:36:49.000 Looking at how ugly the women are. 1.00

00:36:51.000 Meanwhile, Irish people listening to this podcast are very angry at me right now.

00:36:54.000 What are you talking about?

00:36:55.000 It's okay, I'm ugly too.

00:36:56.000 We're passionate.

00:36:56.000 We're all ugly.

00:36:57.000 We're passionate too, mate.

00:36:58.000 Northern Ireland is the craziest place I've ever been.

00:37:01.000 Where you drive around and...

00:37:02.000 There was fighting?

00:37:03.000 Well, there's a lot of fighting in Ireland.

00:37:05.000 I saw a lot of fighting.

00:37:06.000 But one of the things in Northern Ireland that's really crazy is that all the cars are armored.

00:37:12.000 They all have these giant plates of steel all around because they had to deal with a lot of bombings.

00:37:16.000 The whole IRA thing, the Protestants versus the Catholics. 0.95

00:37:20.000 Most people in America are unaware of how much Ireland and Northern Ireland, how much they went through.

00:37:26.000 There was an incredible amount of bloodshed over there.

00:37:30.000 And because of that, when we went out, I did a gig with my boy Dave Bishop.

00:37:35.000 And then we went out and we went out to some fucking local place.

00:37:39.000 And the...

00:37:40.000 Cars that were all around us.

00:37:42.000 It was like we were in a fucking Mad Max movie.

00:37:45.000 Why?

00:37:45.000 They're all like old, old cars?

00:37:46.000 No, they're all covered with steel.

00:37:48.000 Like they're armored.

00:37:50.000 For guns?

00:37:50.000 The windows for bombs.

00:37:52.000 The windows of the cop cars had steel mesh over them.

00:37:55.000 And there was like plates and plates in the front of the car and plates on the side.

00:37:59.000 They were like these big armored fucking crazy shells over their cop cars.

00:38:04.000 I was like, wow.

00:38:05.000 Wow.

00:38:06.000 What a fucking weird place this is.

00:38:07.000 And you couldn't understand a goddamn word anybody said.

00:38:10.000 It's amazing that they call that shit English.

00:38:13.000 I talked to some dude in a club.

00:38:15.000 We were in the little bar downstairs at the hotel we were all staying at.

00:38:19.000 And we were all drinking with this dude.

00:38:21.000 And he was talking to me for two hours.

00:38:23.000 And all I heard, the whole two hours, the only words I heard was, I'll fight anyone.

00:38:29.000 He was talking to me about fires.

00:38:34.000 Just drinking and talking about how he'll fight any man.

00:38:40.000 He really would.

00:38:40.000 He would have fought anyone.

00:38:42.000 Anyone in front of him who just got his ass.

00:38:45.000 He'll bite you and fucking try to claw your eyes out.

00:38:49.000 It's so dreary over there, man.

00:38:52.000 I've never eaten at a place that had worse food.

00:38:54.000 Northern Ireland, we had Chinese food there.

00:38:56.000 It was literally like dogs and cats and pigeons.

00:39:01.000 It was fucking terrible.

00:39:03.000 Was there porridge good at least?

00:39:04.000 Was there anything that was good?

00:39:07.000 I can't fuck up eggs, so I had a lot of eggs there.

00:39:09.000 But it was, that's the, I mean, it could obviously be just where I went.

00:39:13.000 But the parts that I went, you know, I got the worst food ever.

00:39:17.000 We stayed at a nice hotel.

00:39:18.000 Food was terrible.

00:39:19.000 Wow.

00:39:20.000 Yeah, it was just like, it was off.

00:39:22.000 Like, you're eating the beef, and you're like, What the fuck is wrong with this beef?

00:39:25.000 This is a piece of steak, but it tastes completely different.

00:39:29.000 Like in Australia, their beef is completely different than American beef.

00:39:34.000 And it's good.

00:39:34.000 It's very good.

00:39:35.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:39:36.000 Australia is fantastic.

00:39:37.000 Sydney.

00:39:37.000 I've been to Sydney twice.

00:39:39.000 It's amazing.

00:39:39.000 No, because I've had free-range too.

00:39:41.000 I eat grass-fed beef.

00:39:42.000 That's what most of the time I eat.

00:39:44.000 I like corn-fed because it's fattier and you get a little bit more fat in the cooking.

00:39:49.000 But there's a flavor to grass-fed that I prefer.

00:39:52.000 And it's a healthier animal, for sure.

00:39:54.000 Because when you're giving them corn, that is completely outside of their diet in the natural world.

00:40:00.000 It's a grain as opposed to a grass.

00:40:02.000 So their bodies get super fat and disgusting.

00:40:05.000 That's why they're so delicious.

00:40:07.000 I said they're grass-fed Meat is actually fat burning.

00:40:12.000 Really?

00:40:13.000 That makes sense.

00:40:14.000 It just has the opposite effect on your system.

00:40:16.000 Makes sense because we're not supposed to be eating an animal that's been force fed some fucked up food to keep it fat.

00:40:22.000 That's a weird thing, man.

00:40:24.000 But the difference is the food over in Australia.

00:40:28.000 The beef was delicious.

00:40:29.000 The steak was delicious.

00:40:30.000 But it was like pink inside.

00:40:33.000 It was like a piece of pork chop.

00:40:35.000 It was a completely different shade.

00:40:37.000 It was a way lighter shade.

00:40:39.000 When I get a medium rare steak, you cut into it and you see that juicy red savage flesh.

00:40:46.000 Meanwhile, this is like a pork chop.

00:40:48.000 This is white in there.

00:40:49.000 It was very good, but this is weird.

00:40:52.000 England, it looked like steak.

00:40:55.000 It looked similar when I was cutting it open, but it tasted different.

00:40:58.000 It tasted like it was sick or something.

00:41:01.000 They just don't put any spice in it or something?

00:41:03.000 Not in England, excuse me, Northern Ireland.

00:41:06.000 I've had some great food in England.

00:41:07.000 People say that the food in England is bad, but it's nothing compared to Northern Ireland. 0.90

00:41:11.000 I've had some delicious food.

00:41:11.000 They have amazing restaurants in England, right?

00:41:13.000 England's got some great places.

00:41:15.000 It's just, you know, when you go to a place and the food's different.

00:41:18.000 You know, like when you go get breakfast, like English breakfast, you get an English breakfast, they bring you beans.

00:41:23.000 Have you ever had crumpets?

00:41:24.000 Yes.

00:41:25.000 They're awesome.

00:41:25.000 They're pretty good.

00:41:26.000 But English breakfast, they give you beans, and they call bangers, and bangers are sausage, and like a broiled tomato all the time.

00:41:34.000 That's your breakfast?

00:41:35.000 I hate broiled tomatoes.

00:41:36.000 I don't get that, broiling a tomato, but it's super common over there.

00:41:40.000 Is that what they do with Zenko?

00:41:41.000 Yeah.

00:41:42.000 Ew, yeah.

00:41:43.000 Well, it falls apart a little.

00:41:44.000 It's a little cooked, but I don't get it.

00:41:46.000 Just give me a piece of fucking tomato. 0.98

00:41:48.000 You have to improve the flavor of tomato by cooking it.

00:41:51.000 I wonder if that's something you start liking when you're like 70. It's not like a zucchini.

00:41:55.000 If you grill zucchini, it tastes kind of cool.

00:41:57.000 It tastes different.

00:41:58.000 If you grill a tomato, it's not better.

00:42:02.000 I don't know.

00:42:02.000 I don't know either.

00:42:05.000 I met a Scottish comic who was like 23 in Montreal.

00:42:09.000 You couldn't understand a word he said.

00:42:11.000 Impossible.

00:42:12.000 It was like people were trying, like laughing at the idea of his accent, and then it was just like, we don't understand any of this.

00:42:17.000 And it's all English.

00:42:20.000 It was amazing to watch.

00:42:22.000 Yeah, it's interesting that the English language, if you go to all these different parts of the globe and hear the variations from southern Georgia to Northern Ireland, and you hear the variations of the same words and what we use and don't use, it really is almost like it's a bunch of different languages.

00:42:43.000 It's getting close.

00:42:45.000 It's getting close to morphing off into its own separate branch.

00:42:49.000 If people were separate, the thing that fucked everybody...

00:42:51.000 Yeah, they all changed separately.

00:42:53.000 Yeah.

00:42:53.000 But they're connected now.

00:42:56.000 Now it's like people are inexorably connected with the internet, with mass media.

00:43:01.000 You can hear the way people use those words all over the world.

00:43:05.000 And they're going to stay reasonably close to the way they are now.

00:43:08.000 But if people weren't connected, if they were separated by big chunks of water or something like that, they would probably develop to a bunch of different languages.

00:43:20.000 Probably.

00:43:21.000 Completely different over time.

00:43:21.000 Have you ever read Trainspotting?

00:43:25.000 Yes.

00:43:26.000 I watched that last night.

00:43:27.000 Oh, really?

00:43:27.000 You know how it's written in vernacular?

00:43:29.000 It's like you have to piece together what they're saying.

00:43:31.000 Right, right, right.

00:43:32.000 Eventually that would sort of become the written language.

00:43:34.000 Yes.

00:43:35.000 And then eventually certain words that you have completely different words, like the lift in England for the elevator, you would just start using those words and it would become a different language.

00:43:42.000 Still with our numerals or something.

00:43:43.000 Some guy was on the radio the other day and he was talking about how diverse England is and how many different languages are spoken in England because they were talking about the riots.

00:43:53.000 And they were talking about 300 different languages.

00:43:56.000 And I went, what?

00:43:57.000 I didn't even know there were 300 languages.

00:44:00.000 I thought there was probably like 30 languages.

00:44:03.000 There's like a bunch of Indians.

00:44:05.000 A bunch of different Indian languages?

00:44:07.000 You mean American Indian or India?

00:44:09.000 No, no, no, like India. 0.66

00:44:09.000 Really? 0.66

00:44:09.000 I think there's like a bunch, like 30 or 40 there. 0.66

00:44:11.000 Jesus Christ.

00:44:12.000 I think some of those you might be able to understand, like if you know one, you might be able to understand a couple others, like Spanish and Italian.

00:44:17.000 Well, how wacky is China that there's a bunch all in the same country, a bunch of different ways to talk Chinese? 1.00

00:44:22.000 Yeah.

00:44:23.000 I thought it was just two.

00:44:23.000 I thought it was...

00:44:24.000 Cantonese and Mandarin.

00:44:26.000 Yeah.

00:44:26.000 But isn't there various dialects of each one of them?

00:44:28.000 Yeah, there probably are.

00:44:29.000 The areas are so huge.

00:44:30.000 So a person who speaks Cantonese can't understand a person who speaks Mandarin at all?

00:44:34.000 I think it's a completely different language, but I don't know.

00:44:36.000 Fuck!

00:44:37.000 That's insane!

00:44:38.000 Yeah.

00:44:38.000 Who the fuck came up with language first?

00:44:40.000 Did we know what the oldest language was?

00:44:44.000 No.

00:44:45.000 No.

00:44:45.000 We know about written.

00:44:47.000 We know the oldest written shit, as far as we know today, is Sumer.

00:44:52.000 They think it's Sumerian text.

00:44:56.000 6,000?

00:44:57.000 That's the oldest shit we've ever seen written down.

00:44:59.000 But what throws that into fucked up and makes it questionable is this new thing they found in Turkey over the last couple decades. 0.87

00:45:05.000 They found this new site in Turkey called Gobekli Tepe.

00:45:09.000 Gobekli Tepe and it's at least 6,000 years older than Sumer and it's all like really intricately carved Does that have language there?

00:45:23.000 We don't know, though.

00:45:23.000 This is 6,000 years earlier, but they didn't find any language.

00:45:29.000 Well, who knows?

00:45:30.000 You know, it's like when you find a culture that's that fucking old, you're lucky you're finding anything. 1.00

00:45:34.000 You know, the land eats everything.

00:45:36.000 If you left a car alone for 16,000 years, there's no car left when you come back, man.

00:45:42.000 It'll turn to sand.

00:45:43.000 Yeah, it'll get absorbed by the earth, slowly but surely, one little speck at a time.

00:45:47.000 I mean, if you've ever gone to an old junkyard and you see a car from like 1940, literally, it's falling apart.

00:45:53.000 There's holes in it.

00:45:54.000 It's dissolving.

00:45:55.000 It's so rusty, it's just burning through.

00:45:56.000 It'll dissolve.

00:45:57.000 The earth will eat it. 0.99

00:45:59.000 So the metal just goes back into the ground.

00:46:01.000 The metal just becomes dirt.

00:46:04.000 It becomes a part of the soil.

00:46:06.000 When we look at a culture that's that old, you only find rock.

00:46:10.000 You're not going to find anything else.

00:46:12.000 You might find some carbon from a fire.

00:46:14.000 You might find some arrowheads and shit like that.

00:46:17.000 But it's got to be hard, hard rock or fossils.

00:46:21.000 You know, you're going to find, like, bodies, like human bodies, you know, a semi-fossilized state.

00:46:26.000 This is too long ago.

00:46:27.000 You're not going to find any paper.

00:46:28.000 If they made paper, good luck.

00:46:30.000 You won't find it.

00:46:30.000 You're not going to find any metal tools.

00:46:33.000 Those are gone.

00:46:34.000 The Earth ate those. 0.98

00:46:35.000 I thought of something that was really big the other day about one of your theories about, you know, how, like, civilization started over type thing.

00:46:41.000 I met that robot.

00:46:43.000 Not me, but I saw that robot at Disneyland, the Honda robot, the owl.

00:46:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:48.000 I got to see it run and do the stare thing. 0.92

00:46:52.000 I'm looking at it and I'm like, one day this thing's going to kill me and stuff like that.

00:46:56.000 They're going to make robots and it's going to turn on you and stuff like that.

00:46:59.000 And what if the robots kill the whole entire human race and then a virus or something like that destroys all the robots and kills all the robots.

00:47:07.000 And then a thousand years later, there's nothing.

00:47:09.000 All the, you know, robots turn to sand because, like, they disintegrate.

00:47:13.000 And then there's two people, like humans, like hiding in a cave somewhere, you know, living on the dead bodies and smoking crack.

00:47:21.000 And then they make a kid and they're Like Jesus and stuff like that.

00:47:24.000 And they rebuild the whole race again. 0.99

00:47:25.000 But they're so fucked up on crap and stupid because they were just living in a cave the whole time.

00:47:30.000 Then the human race starts over again.

00:47:32.000 And then we try to build robots again.

00:47:34.000 And then they kill us off again.

00:47:36.000 And two other crack addicts in the caves.

00:47:37.000 That's what I was thinking at Disneyland Stone.

00:47:39.000 That's the entire plot of Battlestar Galactica.

00:47:42.000 Yeah, it is.

00:47:43.000 The Cylons.

00:47:44.000 Yeah, the Cylons take over.

00:47:46.000 And you know what?

00:47:47.000 It's a very possible plot.

00:47:48.000 The idea that we can make intelligent life, and we're super close to doing that.

00:47:52.000 We're super close to having some sort of an artificial intelligence that you can communicate with that actually even develops emotions.

00:48:00.000 They're going to have like emotional responses programmed into these fucking things.

00:48:04.000 And for us to be arrogantly assuming that that's never going to be a problem because they're not really alive.

00:48:09.000 They're not really.

00:48:10.000 But if we create a system that responds as if it was alive, you know, if that system has self-realization, if that system becomes sentient and realizes that it has to protect itself, and then it defends itself against another system, that is just as alive as a virus.

00:48:27.000 It's just as alive as an animal that wants to eat you.

00:48:30.000 It's just as alive as anything.

00:48:32.000 That's alive, man.

00:48:33.000 You've created some thing Yes, it may not have cells and bone as you think of life, but it's responding and moving and interacting and it's intelligent.

00:48:43.000 And you've actually made this fucking thing a brain.

00:48:46.000 You've built this thing, the ability to interact with other brains, other technologically created brains, and you've got a whole network of beings, beings that have it within their best interest to keep you dead and them alive.

00:48:59.000 That's all super duper possible.

00:49:01.000 It just seems so foreign to us.

00:49:03.000 It seems preposterous because our lives, our whole lives, the way we have looked at machines is like, this is some shit people made.

00:49:11.000 We have full control of it.

00:49:13.000 We're completely arrogant about it.

00:49:15.000 We have full control over the stuff we make.

00:49:18.000 Have you ever seen that robot run?

00:49:20.000 Yes.

00:49:21.000 It leaves the ground just like a human.

00:49:24.000 When you run, there's a point where both of your feet are off the ground.

00:49:27.000 It does the same thing.

00:49:29.000 It was amazing.

00:49:30.000 It's amazing.

00:49:31.000 And it's just the beginning.

00:49:32.000 It's just the beginning.

00:49:33.000 It's like iRobot.

00:49:34.000 iRobot is going to be legit, man.

00:49:36.000 They're really going to have a robot that is as functional as a human body.

00:49:41.000 It's going to move like a human body, but it's going to be metal.

00:49:44.000 It's going to have artificial tissue that won't break or rip or tear, but it'll look like human tissue.

00:49:50.000 It's going to be incredible.

00:49:52.000 It's just a matter of time.

00:49:54.000 If you look at 1800 and what people had in 1900 and the beginning of this century in 2000, and then compare it to 1000 years ago.

00:50:05.000 You know, there's obviously been some radical changes in 1900 to 2000 to 2011. There's radical, radical changes.

00:50:12.000 And those radical changes, you took the cream of the crop shit that we have today, like a fucking helicopter and a 911 turbo, and you brought them to 1600. There's no way if Leonardo da Vinci sat and looked at that he could have ever predicted a 911 turbo.

00:50:28.000 He would get in that thing, he'd be like, what the fuck?

00:50:31.000 Like, wow, really?

00:50:32.000 This is fucking crazy!

00:50:34.000 Like, think of someone who, like, Da Vinci invented so many crazy things, you know, had drawings for flying machines and all sorts of different things that he created, but if you showed him what actually occurred in all Our lifetime, which we completely take for granted.

00:50:48.000 Gun turrets.

00:50:49.000 It's like space 1999 shit.

00:50:51.000 It's like science fiction.

00:50:53.000 So, for sure, if these guys are making robots like this Honda robot, which is amazing, in 2011, 2,211, fuck, man, it is going to be like Blade Runner.

00:51:05.000 As long as I'm dead, I don't...

00:51:07.000 You might not be dead.

00:51:08.000 That's the crazy thing.

00:51:09.000 With the science and technology the way it is today, you might not be dead at all.

00:51:13.000 There might be a renew pill where you can take within our lifetime that renews your cells and reprograms your DNA to behave as if it's young.

00:51:21.000 You might watch someone.

00:51:23.000 They're going to have a vaccine for aging at some point.

00:51:24.000 So the people that haven't had it, you have to take it when you're a really little baby.

00:51:28.000 So people who haven't got the vaccine are all going to die.

00:51:30.000 Maybe.

00:51:30.000 That's a possibility.

00:51:32.000 You're just going to watch them all go.

00:51:33.000 More likely they'll manipulate the fact that the cells recreate themselves every seven years.

00:51:38.000 Everything except the neurons is completely replaced every seven years.

00:51:41.000 So what they'll do is they'll reprogram all these cells to come back fresh and young.

00:51:48.000 And that's what they'll do.

00:51:49.000 So over a seven-year period, you'll take this shit.

00:51:51.000 And over a seven-year period, you'll go from being some old lady to some hot young 20-year-old bitch. 1.00

00:51:57.000 Bam! 0.98

00:51:58.000 Or if you just didn't get older, you know, like whatever time you took that.

00:52:03.000 That's possible too.

00:52:04.000 That's going to be the beginning.

00:52:06.000 Oh, it will.

00:52:07.000 It will.

00:52:07.000 No question about it.

00:52:09.000 Just think what I said.

00:52:10.000 If your tissue could recreate itself, the thing is you've got to get it to recreate itself in a state that's not damaged, like scars.

00:52:16.000 If you think about it, if you have a scar, that scar, I have a scar, a big one on my finger that I got when I was like nine.

00:52:22.000 But that scar is still here when I'm 44. Why is it still here?

00:52:25.000 Yeah.

00:52:26.000 Why is it still here if everything's recreating?

00:52:28.000 Because it's recreating in this damaged state.

00:52:30.000 You would have to get your cells to not recreate in a state of an old person whose fucking engine's misfiring.

00:52:38.000 You want to get it to a mature person of around 25 years of age, physically.

00:52:43.000 That's what you want.

00:52:44.000 I think it's more like they're just going to take your head off RoboCop style and put you on a RoboCop body.

00:52:48.000 Yeah.

00:52:51.000 I don't think it'll be a biological solution if it gets to that.

00:52:55.000 I think it'll be a matter of recreating your consciousness in a form of like a computer code.

00:53:00.000 If an operating system works for the Mac and an operating system works for the PC, what the fuck is a human being?

00:53:07.000 What is the driving mechanism behind what makes a person want to eat and fuck and be successful and be curious?

00:53:18.000 What the fuck is under the surface?

00:53:19.000 Is it just a bunch of ones and zeros?

00:53:22.000 If it's not, is it possible to exactly recreate it with a bunch of ones and zeros?

00:53:27.000 That's the real question.

00:53:28.000 Is it possible to take a human being's consciousness and completely recreate it to the point where all of a sudden you're switched on and, you know, you're switched on in this body, like you wake up one day and you don't even fucking know that you are a computer code in a machine and that your entire life is absolutely, completely, 100% artificial.

00:53:49.000 It's just being fed to this computer code through this, you know, this program that someone has created.

00:53:55.000 That is all...

00:53:56.000 That's not, like, completely ridiculous.

00:53:58.000 That's not, like, even as ridiculous as time travel.

00:54:01.000 And that's not ridiculous, you know?

00:54:03.000 Although there's some scientists that believe...

00:54:05.000 That you can never bypass the speed of light, so time travel will be impossible.

00:54:10.000 But I think they just say that for now.

00:54:11.000 I think there's nothing that's gonna eventually not be possible.

00:54:15.000 I think it'll just be a matter of how much power can we generate in order to manipulate our surroundings to make everything possible.

00:54:22.000 It's a matter of time.

00:54:24.000 Like I said, what's impossible today was not, I mean, what was impossible 200 years ago is not impossible today.

00:54:30.000 So when you hear scientists saying that this is impossible, that doesn't mean it's impossible.

00:54:34.000 It just means as far as what we know now.

00:54:36.000 And we don't know shit.

00:54:39.000 I mean, we're brilliant in comparison to cavemen, but in comparison to understanding just the very nature of the universe and subatomic particles, they lose all fucking rules go out the window when you go subatomic.

00:54:53.000 They have things where a particle can be in a super state, where it's in a state of moving and it's still at the same time.

00:55:02.000 What the fuck does that even mean?

00:55:04.000 And the idea that you can look at something, and as you're looking at it, you change the behavior of it, and that you can watch an event, and the observer actually changes the actual atoms that are moving.

00:55:18.000 What the fuck?

00:55:19.000 How is that possible?

00:55:20.000 We don't know.

00:55:21.000 We don't know.

00:55:22.000 So to say that people know a lot, yeah, we know a lot for people.

00:55:25.000 We know a lot for people.

00:55:27.000 But there's some shit that we don't understand at all.

00:55:29.000 They don't even know why the universe stays together.

00:55:31.000 They don't know why it doesn't just fly apart.

00:55:33.000 You know, this dark matter thing is like, you know, they don't know what the fuck that is.

00:55:38.000 They're just guessing.

00:55:40.000 It's probably just vinegar or something like that.

00:55:41.000 They realize it is probably like douche vinegar.

00:55:45.000 You know what they figured out?

00:55:46.000 They figured out that there's some sort of an antimatter-like layer to the Van Allen radiation belts.

00:55:51.000 That there's a layer of antimatter out there.

00:55:55.000 I don't even know what the fuck that means.

00:55:57.000 But that's incredible that there's some shit that they've been talking about using for weapons forever.

00:56:03.000 They've been talking about antimatter weapons forever.

00:56:05.000 Because if you could conceivably create an antimatter weapon, it would be just as big of a leap as nuclear weapons were to like arrows.

00:56:14.000 Yeah, things just fucking go bye-bye.

00:56:16.000 It's just cool, too.

00:56:18.000 Could you imagine?

00:56:19.000 Imagine if we went to Afghanistan, if they tried antimatter weapons on Afghanistan, and we went there, and Afghanistan was like a bowl, a ceramic bowl, like white and shiny, and there was literally nothing else there.

00:56:33.000 It was like the whole thing was just white and shiny, like ceramic.

00:56:37.000 That's not outside the realm of possibilities.

00:56:39.000 You know why?

00:56:40.000 Because we already...

00:56:41.000 Yeah, we did that.

00:56:43.000 Everyone, this is what I realized today, I was talking to Tony, but it was like, everyone's like, oh, we can't trust the Russians with nuclear weapons, we can't trust the Chinese with nuclear weapons or the Koreans. 0.59

00:56:51.000 It's like, we're the only ones that have set them off.

00:56:53.000 Yeah.

00:56:54.000 We're the only ones, and we did it twice.

00:56:55.000 Oh, no, Russians have detonated them for practice. 0.90

00:56:58.000 Against people.

00:56:59.000 Yeah, we're the only ones against people.

00:57:01.000 And we're like, oh, we can't trust them, but we can't trust us.

00:57:03.000 We're the ones we can't trust.

00:57:05.000 They shouldn't trust us.

00:57:06.000 It's us and we're.

00:57:07.000 These are people that existed a long time ago.

00:57:10.000 I mean, the idea that we're on a team with those douchebags.

00:57:12.000 Yeah.

00:57:13.000 I didn't do shit.

00:57:14.000 They didn't just blow up civilians.

00:57:15.000 The word is that the Japanese were trying to surrender for a long time, man.

00:57:19.000 And they said no because they wanted to test it?

00:57:21.000 Well, they wanted to fucking do it.

00:57:23.000 It was not really a test.

00:57:25.000 They wanted to let everybody know what's up.

00:57:26.000 Twice.

00:57:27.000 Drop bombs on your moms. 0.64

00:57:28.000 Once wasn't enough.

00:57:29.000 Fuck car alarms.

00:57:31.000 The idea that you're going to take this fucking thing that harnesses the power of the sun and you're just going to drop it on some people you don't even know.

00:57:39.000 And it's okay because we're at war.

00:57:41.000 This is like...

00:57:42.000 These aren't soldiers.

00:57:44.000 These are just some people going about their business.

00:57:46.000 Yeah, people are like, I don't know how to get involved with politics.

00:57:49.000 Yeah.

00:57:50.000 And then all of a sudden, they're obliterated.

00:57:52.000 They never were.

00:57:53.000 Isn't it crazy?

00:57:53.000 They didn't even have jet engines back there.

00:57:55.000 They had a propeller plane.

00:57:58.000 And they dropped it out of this propeller plane.

00:58:01.000 And then they had to do a 360, or 180, excuse me, and fucking get out of there.

00:58:04.000 Is that what they had to do?

00:58:05.000 Because the bomb would follow, like physics bomb follows the plane.

00:58:08.000 How high up would they let it go?

00:58:10.000 I don't know.

00:58:10.000 It's amazing they have video footage of that.

00:58:13.000 Of them doing it.

00:58:14.000 Yeah.

00:58:14.000 They must have got fucked up by radiation, no?

00:58:17.000 Probably, right?

00:58:18.000 Probably.

00:58:19.000 As soon as it hit, it fucking went.

00:58:20.000 There's so many people that got fucked up by radiation.

00:58:22.000 I wonder how long those guys lived.

00:58:24.000 That's a good question.

00:58:27.000 We've talked about it on stage, the videos of guys running towards the blasts, like the army where they used to blow off bombs and have them run towards the bomb.

00:58:36.000 They did that a lot.

00:58:38.000 Obviously, that would never happen today.

00:58:41.000 Have you tried to get an American soldier today to run towards a blast?

00:58:43.000 He's going to shoot you in the dick.

00:58:45.000 Towards a mushroom cloud.

00:58:47.000 What?

00:58:47.000 No one's coming out of there, man.

00:58:49.000 For a test.

00:58:50.000 I'm going to run towards that for a test.

00:58:52.000 We know now, the average person knows that that shit will kill you.

00:58:55.000 Officer Kardashian, I want you to run past that.

00:58:58.000 I watched the Kim Kardashian commercial.

00:59:00.000 She was showing some clothes that she had. 0.97

00:59:02.000 And she was talking about how she likes this look and likes that look.

00:59:05.000 And sometimes I wear this and I wear it with a dress.

00:59:07.000 I wear it with a jacket because it makes it a little bit more saucy.

00:59:11.000 And I'm like, wow.

00:59:13.000 Why is anyone listening to you on anything?

00:59:15.000 You vapid.

00:59:16.000 Isn't it amazing how many people sponsor her? 0.68

00:59:19.000 Her face is on everything.

00:59:21.000 If you walk through JCPenney's or Macy's or whatever it is, you'll see her face a million times for a million different products.

00:59:27.000 And magazines, man.

00:59:28.000 Every fucking magazine has her face on the cover. 1.00

00:59:30.000 It's incredible.

00:59:31.000 The girl's making bank. 1.00

00:59:32.000 You can't hate her for that.

00:59:33.000 You can't hate her for any of it.

00:59:34.000 I don't hate her.

00:59:34.000 She's just so dumb.

00:59:35.000 It's so amazing that we have fixated on this.

00:59:39.000 And, you know, she has a very pretty face.

00:59:41.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:59:42.000 But it's always getting worked on.

00:59:44.000 Like, every now and then it'll get all puffy and shit because she's getting injections and there's all these before and after pictures.

00:59:49.000 It does look good, but you know what I'm saying?

00:59:52.000 There's certain girls that just look like Angelina Jolie. 0.86

00:59:57.000 She has this face, especially when she was young.

01:00:01.000 You just look at it and go, wow, that is a perfect symmetrical face.

01:00:05.000 I can understand that face being everywhere.

01:00:07.000 And this girl, Kim Kardashian, she's pretty.

01:00:10.000 She's hot. 1.00

01:00:11.000 She's got some big titties and a big ass and everything. 1.00

01:00:13.000 It's all good.

01:00:14.000 But it's not that good enough to be focusing so much time on it.

01:00:17.000 It's not that.

01:00:18.000 It's like people are addicted to her.

01:00:20.000 It's like it's cigarettes.

01:00:21.000 It's like cigarettes aren't that good.

01:00:23.000 You know, you smoke one in the beginning and you've never smoked a cigarette.

01:00:25.000 You're like, why would I keep doing this?

01:00:27.000 But after a while, you get addicted to it.

01:00:28.000 It becomes something you're used to.

01:00:30.000 Now it's like these magazines are addicted to putting Kim Kardashian everywhere.

01:00:34.000 It's like you're making a big deal out of absolutely nothing.

01:00:37.000 She's just a person.

01:00:38.000 It's not bad, not hating her.

01:00:40.000 She's just a girl out there, you know, getting hers by, you know, being in a show that follows her around. 0.97

01:00:45.000 But once you start following someone around and you start tuning into that, man, it's like tricky.

01:00:51.000 It is like addictive.

01:00:52.000 It's like you get programmed with wanting to know, well, there's a conflict going on with her and her sister's boyfriend.

01:00:57.000 I wonder how they're going to resolve that.

01:00:58.000 Yeah, that's why I don't watch them.

01:00:59.000 You just get addicted.

01:01:00.000 You can't help it.

01:01:02.000 She just tried to sue Old Navy because a friend of ours, or a friend of mine is Melissa Molinaro.

01:01:09.000 Do I know her?

01:01:10.000 Well, she's friends of Aubrey's, and I don't think you ever met her.

01:01:13.000 Okay.

01:01:14.000 But she was on an Old Navy commercial, and she's just singing and dancing.

01:01:19.000 It was a commercial.

01:01:21.000 And the Kardashian, or Kim Kardashian, said, no, that's...

01:01:24.000 People think that's me.

01:01:26.000 And so she tried to sue Old Navy. 0.99

01:01:29.000 Does she look like her?

01:01:29.000 She does kind of look like her.

01:01:31.000 She looks like a hotter version of Kim Kardashian. 0.99

01:01:34.000 How could you say that?

01:01:36.000 But that's ridiculous.

01:01:38.000 How could you say that this is what the girl looks like?

01:01:40.000 You're not allowed to use this girl. 1.00

01:01:42.000 This girl looks like that, but you're not allowed to use her because she looks too much like me.

01:01:46.000 Did Kim Kardashian used to do ads for them?

01:01:47.000 I don't think so.

01:01:48.000 Even if she did, so fucking what?

01:01:50.000 This girl has her own face.

01:01:52.000 You can't sue someone for using a pretty girl's face because that pretty girl happens to look like you. 1.00

01:01:57.000 Someone that pretty girl is never allowed to work again? 1.00

01:02:04.000 So what, dude?

01:02:06.000 Even if they were trying to replace her, if this girl has her own face and this company chooses, you know what, I like this girl, she looks like Kim Kardashian, but she's prettier and she's unknown, let's use her.

01:02:16.000 They should be more than allowed to do that.

01:02:18.000 When they dropped her as a spokesman but they used her voice anyway?

01:02:21.000 No, that's different.

01:02:22.000 Here's a perfect example.

01:02:24.000 Say, what if someone decides to do some sort of video game or something about Fear Factor, and they have a dude pretend to be me, and he looks kind of like me, and he talks kind of like me, and they say it's me.

01:02:39.000 Well, then I can sue them.

01:02:40.000 Then I can say, hey, that's not me.

01:02:41.000 But if you decide to do Fear Factor and you go and get some dude who looks like me and he's good at it and he just does it, I can't sue you.

01:02:49.000 He's just doing it.

01:02:50.000 Even if he's imitating me.

01:02:52.000 Even if he's imitating me.

01:02:53.000 If he replaces me and he's doing the show the way I do the show, I still can't sue him.

01:03:01.000 I don't think so.

01:03:02.000 I think that's wrong.

01:03:03.000 If they're trying to pass someone off as you.

01:03:05.000 Yeah, but they...

01:03:05.000 But they're not.

01:03:06.000 Kim Kardashian, does she even sing? 0.96

01:03:08.000 Okay, well, what if it says, you know, Fred fucking suck, you know, the host of Fear Factor?

01:03:13.000 This is, this is, Fred fucking suck just happens to look like me.

01:03:16.000 Yeah, I think that would probably be the problem, whether or not they were trying to pass it off as her or not.

01:03:19.000 Yeah, yeah, well, you know, you can't...

01:03:21.000 I don't know, that's why I asked if she was in an Old Navy commercial. 0.98

01:03:23.000 Here's the thing.

01:03:24.000 You're protecting this giant multi-millionaire celebrity image when there's a girl who just wants to work. 1.00

01:03:34.000 And she happens to look like this girl.

01:03:36.000 She should be able to work.

01:03:38.000 This girl should not have to... 1.00

01:03:39.000 You know, she can't do a shoe ad because she looks too much like Kim Kardashian, and Kim Kardashian does a shoe ad, and it makes the K-Swiss people think that she's cheating on them or something, and what the fuck she makes shoes for. 1.00

01:03:50.000 You know what I mean?

01:03:51.000 Like, that's not cool.

01:03:52.000 You don't own other people's face because they look similar to you.

01:03:56.000 Like, what if a Chinese person tried to do that? 0.99

01:03:58.000 Right?

01:03:59.000 There's no copyright laws in China.

01:04:00.000 But what Brian was talking...

01:04:01.000 I mean, if they tried to do it in America, I mean, is Brian talking about how many Chinese people...

01:04:04.000 There's so much less variation in their appearance.

01:04:06.000 Maybe that's why there's no copyright laws in China.

01:04:08.000 Maybe, right?

01:04:08.000 Because they're like, how are you going to prove it to you?

01:04:10.000 Right.

01:04:10.000 Well, not only that, it's just so ridiculous that you would be able to...

01:04:17.000 Copyright your image when your image is exactly the same image as everybody else's.

01:04:21.000 If there's a billion men in China and 400 million look like you, holy shit, dude. 0.97

01:04:28.000 Remember Buck Rogers when they came on that planet that everyone looked alike and it was illegal to wear masks?

01:04:33.000 Really?

01:04:33.000 It's illegal take your mask off.

01:04:35.000 Really?

01:04:35.000 Because everyone went crazy because all the boys looked like all the other boys and all the girls like all the other girls.

01:04:39.000 Buck Rogers.

01:04:40.000 Is this like the really, really old Buck Rogers?

01:04:43.000 No, it wasn't the black and white.

01:04:44.000 It was with Chewy or whatever the robot's name was.

01:04:48.000 The little guy that waddled.

01:04:50.000 Chewy?

01:04:51.000 Not Chewy.

01:04:51.000 It wasn't that.

01:04:52.000 It was like a little Twiggy or something.

01:04:54.000 Twiggy? 0.99

01:04:55.000 How many different Buck Rogers did they do?

01:04:58.000 Twiggy's the cute little robot.

01:05:00.000 Yeah, that's the one.

01:05:02.000 It's the one with the guy from Silver Spoons.

01:05:05.000 The robots back then would just...

01:05:06.000 Oh no, the mom from Silver Spoons.

01:05:07.000 Remember the robots would always roll around?

01:05:10.000 They would always roll.

01:05:11.000 Because we couldn't see them move because they couldn't get that technology.

01:05:14.000 So the robots would always...

01:05:15.000 He can just slide by you evenly.

01:05:17.000 Remember Lost in Space?

01:05:18.000 Warning! 0.98

01:05:19.000 Warning! 0.98

01:05:20.000 Remember that robot?

01:05:21.000 That robot was stupid as fuck.

01:05:23.000 He looked like a popcorn maker.

01:05:24.000 He had these big claws for fingers.

01:05:26.000 These useless fucking clamps.

01:05:28.000 And by the way, if you landed in any planet, that robot would get stuck instantly.

01:05:31.000 If it wasn't completely paved evenly, he has no chance of getting up or down.

01:05:34.000 He can't even get around.

01:05:35.000 It was stupid.

01:05:36.000 He rolled around.

01:05:37.000 They had the technology to get to another planet.

01:05:39.000 They couldn't make an effective robot.

01:05:41.000 A robot that can actually walk.

01:05:43.000 He's rolling around.

01:05:44.000 Warning! 0.98

01:05:45.000 Warning! 0.98

01:05:46.000 That was state of the art for a while, right?

01:05:47.000 Yeah.

01:05:48.000 And these fucking people, we're supposed to believe they're just stuck out there in space.

01:05:52.000 And they keep landing on places where they can breathe the air.

01:05:54.000 Oh, lucky us.

01:05:55.000 We can breathe the air out here.

01:05:57.000 Here we are again.

01:05:58.000 And they're hanging out with the one gay guy.

01:06:00.000 That was the first gay guy on television.

01:06:03.000 Remember?

01:06:03.000 He was always alone with the kids.

01:06:04.000 Yeah, he was always alone with the kids, and he was always like the father would fucking quiet him down real quick, and he would be all upset.

01:06:12.000 And ruining my nap time.

01:06:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:06:15.000 And he was never a threat to fuck the wife, ever.

01:06:18.000 No.

01:06:19.000 The wife was hot as fuck, all out there in space. 1.00

01:06:21.000 Really, two men supposed to be competing for this one woman, you know?

01:06:24.000 Yeah.

01:06:25.000 Like in, what is it, um...

01:06:28.000 The Walking Dead series.

01:06:31.000 The two cops fighting over the same woman.

01:06:34.000 That's how it goes in the real jungle, bitches. 1.00

01:06:37.000 That's how it goes.

01:06:38.000 Sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under.

01:06:43.000 Yeah, man.

01:06:44.000 If there's a zombie apocalypse, I'd like to die, please.

01:06:47.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:47.000 I just want to be wiped out.

01:06:49.000 I live through it.

01:06:50.000 Yeah.

01:06:50.000 If there's, like, a meteor impact and the meteor contains spores that turns the survivors into zombies, please land on my head.

01:06:57.000 Just, let's get it over with.

01:06:59.000 End this.

01:07:00.000 Yeah, let's end this nice and quickly, please.

01:07:02.000 Have you ever seen The Road?

01:07:03.000 I watched it until the video...

01:07:06.000 I bought the Blu-ray.

01:07:07.000 I watched it until he was teaching the boy how to shoot himself in the mouth.

01:07:10.000 Shoot himself in the face.

01:07:11.000 And I said, okay.

01:07:12.000 I shut it off.

01:07:13.000 So he gets raped before he gets killed.

01:07:14.000 Yeah.

01:07:15.000 I was like, I don't want this in my mind.

01:07:16.000 Yeah.

01:07:17.000 I read the book.

01:07:18.000 Yeah, I remember when you were reading it.

01:07:20.000 You were absorbed, dude.

01:07:21.000 You were reading when we were on the road.

01:07:22.000 He'd be sitting next to you on the plane, just like rolling his eyes.

01:07:26.000 It's the first book I read in a decade.

01:07:28.000 It was maybe one of them.

01:07:31.000 Yeah, we were in some airport.

01:07:33.000 We were taking two planes a day for like seven days or four days.

01:07:36.000 Oh, that was the Canadian tour that we went on.

01:07:38.000 No direct flights at all.

01:07:40.000 Well, we were up in the boondocks, man.

01:07:41.000 We did Grand Prairie and all those weird spots.

01:07:46.000 We did, like, weird mining towns and shit.

01:07:48.000 I met somebody from Grand Prairie.

01:07:50.000 I was like, oh, I played there once.

01:07:51.000 And they were like, no, you didn't.

01:07:52.000 I was like, I swear I did.

01:07:54.000 They were like, no, you didn't.

01:07:55.000 That's funny.

01:07:55.000 They didn't believe you.

01:07:56.000 Yeah.

01:07:57.000 Listen, bitch, we played. 1.00

01:07:59.000 Yeah.

01:07:59.000 We were there.

01:08:00.000 Like, very light until, like, 1130 at night.

01:08:02.000 I'll go anywhere, bro.

01:08:04.000 I'll go to Grand Prairie for the experience.

01:08:06.000 For the experience?

01:08:07.000 Yeah.

01:08:08.000 It's a weird place up there, man.

01:08:11.000 Those are the spots that people only get to go outside for a few months a year.

01:08:16.000 It's a completely different vibe.

01:08:17.000 I have Yuck Yucks, and he challenged me to go to one of those places in the winter.

01:08:20.000 You'd be crazy.

01:08:21.000 Don't do it.

01:08:22.000 He was like, experience it, man.

01:08:23.000 See what it's like.

01:08:23.000 You could die.

01:08:24.000 Try.

01:08:24.000 You could die.

01:08:25.000 Really?

01:08:25.000 Yeah, I have a buddy, one of the people that I work with on Fear Factor, who did Ice Road Truckers.

01:08:30.000 Yeah.

01:08:30.000 And he went to some place up there where they were driving their trucks across the fucking lakes, frozen lakes.

01:08:36.000 Like, crazy shit.

01:08:37.000 40 below zero it was outside.

01:08:40.000 Wow.

01:08:41.000 Yeah.

01:08:41.000 He said he fucked up and he left his gloves in the car and he tried to manipulate something with his hands and his hands were getting stuck to the metal because it was so cold.

01:08:51.000 Oh my god.

01:08:52.000 What the fuck?

01:08:53.000 Crazy, man.

01:08:54.000 Crazy.

01:08:55.000 There's no way you could get laid in an environment like that.

01:08:57.000 You'd have to go back to your house so fast you couldn't even like, I'm not going to a bar tonight.

01:09:01.000 Amazing.

01:09:02.000 Yeah, 40 fucking below zero.

01:09:05.000 So in these places, when you go there in the summertime, man, it's like there's a happiness to the people.

01:09:13.000 They're so happy that you can go outside and not die.

01:09:16.000 Didn't you feel it?

01:09:17.000 You feel like a joy.

01:09:18.000 All summer long, everyone's like, oh, we just love this.

01:09:21.000 We go kayaking and breathing the air.

01:09:24.000 It's amazing.

01:09:25.000 I wonder if they appreciate life better.

01:09:27.000 I've always thought about that.

01:09:28.000 They appreciate the summer better, no doubt.

01:09:29.000 Yeah.

01:09:30.000 No doubt.

01:09:30.000 We're always in the summer, man.

01:09:31.000 Yeah.

01:09:32.000 I don't appreciate it that much, although I really do.

01:09:34.000 First time I stayed here, man, I stayed here with my friend Gary Valentine.

01:09:38.000 I was doing something for MTV, and they gave me a room with two beds, and Gary was up here for some audition, so he crashed with me.

01:09:44.000 Yeah.

01:09:44.000 We got up every day, and we were like, another fucking shitty day in paradise.

01:09:47.000 We were in our young 20s.

01:09:49.000 I was like 24 or 25 or something like that.

01:09:51.000 Yeah.

01:09:51.000 And we were like, this is fucking incredible.

01:09:53.000 Because we were living in New York where every day was gray.

01:09:57.000 Good luck.

01:09:58.000 From October to March, most of the fucking sky is just gray and it sucks.

01:10:04.000 Either it's raining or it's snowing or it just sucks.

01:10:07.000 So you get so used to this no rain, no snow, no have to deal with weather.

01:10:14.000 But I think that when you take out nature as a variable, you don't have to consider nature, people get, like, real cocky.

01:10:20.000 They get real, you know what I'm saying?

01:10:22.000 Which is one of the reasons why the L.A. douche... 1.00

01:10:24.000 Like, when you think of L.A. douches, at least I think of people who are...

01:10:28.000 I think of them as not just being soft, but delusional about their hardness.

01:10:33.000 Like, he's an L.A. douche.

01:10:35.000 You know, L.A. douches always think they're tougher than they are...

01:10:38.000 I always think they're smarter than they are.

01:10:40.000 They're cocky.

01:10:42.000 There's something cocky.

01:10:43.000 And I think part of that is because they're never humbled by the weather.

01:10:46.000 Explain Watts.

01:10:48.000 Explain Watts.

01:10:48.000 It's black people.

01:10:49.000 It's a totally different vibe.

01:10:52.000 I was talking about, I was coming home from a fire once.

01:10:55.000 One time we were filming Fear Factor and we were driving and it was during the crazy wildfires.

01:11:01.000 I was coming home from a fire once.

01:11:02.000 It was a fire.

01:11:04.000 We had to evacuate, and we had finished the stunt, we got done in time, but when we got on the highway for an hour, I mean a full hour of going 55 miles an hour, like not fast, no one was driving fast, but it was highway speeds, the whole right side of the highway was engulfed in flames as far as you could see.

01:11:22.000 It was crazy.

01:11:24.000 But one of the things I remember is how polite everybody was.

01:11:28.000 People were using their blinkers, and people were waving, and I looked around, and everybody was scared and slack-jawed.

01:11:34.000 When you deal with snow, like if you go up to Maine during a snowstorm, I was driving up north during a snowstorm, and my car broke down, and I had to hang out with the people in the toll booth.

01:11:44.000 They took me in because it was too cold for me to be outside.

01:11:47.000 They hooked me up, but everybody was friendly.

01:11:49.000 Can we get you some coffee?

01:11:51.000 Why?

01:11:52.000 Because they're all banding together.

01:11:54.000 Because there's this fucking crazy thing outside that can kill all the people.

01:11:59.000 That has not been my experience with New Yorkers and Bostoners.

01:12:01.000 Yeah, there's a lot of the urban pressure that comes with that too.

01:12:05.000 The giant numbers.

01:12:06.000 The giant numbers of people is a problem because people get dehumanized by the pressure.

01:12:10.000 But I think overall, people on the East Coast are more realistic.

01:12:14.000 They're more realistic in their behavior, more realistic in the way they think about themselves.

01:12:17.000 They might be cocky, they might be arrogant, but it's a different version of it than you get in California.

01:12:24.000 California is missing the element of the weather.

01:12:26.000 You never have to consider it.

01:12:27.000 Yeah.

01:12:28.000 You never have to worry.

01:12:29.000 I just think it has the opposite effect.

01:12:30.000 I think you're just going to flourish as a person.

01:12:32.000 You can do that, too.

01:12:33.000 Sure.

01:12:33.000 I mean, it's basically in how you look at it.

01:12:35.000 I don't think it hurts you, but I think it might hurt a dummy. 0.93

01:12:38.000 You know?

01:12:38.000 I think, like, you're living in the East Coast and hurricanes come.

01:12:41.000 And you've got to fucking batten down the hatches for the hurricane.

01:12:44.000 You get out.

01:12:44.000 It kind of puts things into perspective.

01:12:46.000 When you get out there and you see trees ripped out of their roots and fucking windows broken in houses and cars fucking flipped over.

01:12:53.000 Like, that puts it into perspective.

01:12:55.000 Like, you ain't shit.

01:12:56.000 And everybody better band together because there's some other stuff out there besides people and it can fucking kill people.

01:13:02.000 And some of it is air.

01:13:04.000 How about that?

01:13:05.000 How about the air becomes a scary monster that rips fucking buildings off its foundations?

01:13:10.000 Wipes out entire towns.

01:13:12.000 People are running around worried about vampires.

01:13:15.000 Fuck vampires.

01:13:16.000 Tornadoes are way scarier than vampires.

01:13:18.000 You know?

01:13:20.000 Vampire can't just destroy your house and send it flying through the air.

01:13:24.000 Who's worried about a vampire?

01:13:25.000 Fat girls. 1.00

01:13:26.000 They're not worried.

01:13:27.000 They're hoping for a vampire to come.

01:13:30.000 I don't know if they're hoping.

01:13:32.000 They like to believe.

01:13:33.000 Isn't it funny that they like to combine those two?

01:13:36.000 Vampires and romance.

01:13:38.000 Something about him being undead is sexy.

01:13:42.000 Yeah.

01:13:43.000 Why?

01:13:44.000 He can never leave you?

01:13:45.000 Maybe it's that.

01:13:46.000 It's also that, you know, the futility, the obvious futility of the relationship because unless he kills her and eats her or unless he turns her into a vampire, she can't stay with him because she's going to grow old and he's going to be young forever.

01:13:59.000 Yeah.

01:13:59.000 And it's like this romance and the fact that he loves her and, you know.

01:14:03.000 Just a metaphor for, you know, everyone has problems.

01:14:07.000 The ultimate sign of romance is if you agree to spend the rest of your life with a woman.

01:14:10.000 Yeah.

01:14:11.000 But if you agree to make that life an eternity, how much more so romantic would that be?

01:14:16.000 Yeah.

01:14:16.000 And there's also the forbidden love.

01:14:18.000 The fact that he's supposed to be dangerous, but no one knows.

01:14:22.000 Everybody thinks he's a monster, but you know the real him.

01:14:24.000 And around you, he's safe.

01:14:26.000 But around other men, he pulls his fangs out and everybody runs and they want to kill him.

01:14:30.000 Stop! 1.00

01:14:30.000 You don't know him. 1.00

01:14:32.000 And you're like, look at yourself.

01:14:33.000 You're dating a vampire.

01:14:34.000 Stop it.

01:14:35.000 She let a vampire fuck her. 1.00

01:14:36.000 Ugh.

01:14:37.000 In the Twilight movies, they've fucked the shit out of her. 1.00

01:14:41.000 Really?

01:14:41.000 Yeah.

01:14:41.000 Would you fuck a vampire chick if she gave you life forever?

01:14:45.000 Uh, no.

01:14:46.000 Want some crazy bitch who wants to eat me? 1.00

01:14:49.000 No, now she fell in love, though.

01:14:50.000 No, listen.

01:14:51.000 If you see a vampire, kill them.

01:14:53.000 Vampires aren't people.

01:14:54.000 Okay, if you see one, you gotta kill them.

01:14:55.000 You gotta stick with teen people.

01:14:57.000 There's a reason why we don't have mountain lions just wandering through our streets.

01:15:00.000 Like you have pigeons.

01:15:01.000 I'd go over.

01:15:02.000 Because pigeons are helpless.

01:15:03.000 I'd go over.

01:15:04.000 I'd go over immediately.

01:15:05.000 You'd fuck her? 1.00

01:15:06.000 I'd immediately go over and then start telling about the people, the mortals I know.

01:15:09.000 Really?

01:15:09.000 Telling on them, like, I know where they live.

01:15:11.000 Do you say this?

01:15:12.000 I hope you're in jest.

01:15:13.000 I agree.

01:15:13.000 Are you saying this in jest?

01:15:14.000 I would definitely become a mortal.

01:15:16.000 Yeah.

01:15:16.000 Really?

01:15:17.000 Oh, yeah.

01:15:17.000 Why?

01:15:19.000 People want to live longer.

01:15:20.000 Yeah, but what if when you die...

01:15:21.000 Okay, if we're talking about vampires, we're talking about something so silly.

01:15:24.000 But if we're talking about vampires, then we're talking about evil things.

01:15:28.000 And we're talking about if you die, you're going to go to hell.

01:15:30.000 So now hell exists.

01:15:31.000 If vampires exist, hell probably exists too.

01:15:34.000 But you never go to hell because you're...

01:15:35.000 You get killed, bro.

01:15:38.000 And then your soul goes to hell?

01:15:40.000 Yeah, and you're fucked for eternity.

01:15:41.000 That's a good point.

01:15:41.000 Because if you accept vampirism, they would have to accept heaven and hell.

01:15:44.000 Because vampirism comes from them being damned by God.

01:15:47.000 Yeah, you gotta accept a bunch of other stupid shit that goes along with it.

01:15:51.000 It just seems like God fucked up there again.

01:15:53.000 They damned them to eternal life?

01:15:55.000 Yeah.

01:15:56.000 It's like, that's pretty cool.

01:15:58.000 Another fuck-up.

01:15:59.000 Yep.

01:16:00.000 But isn't there like a potion to turn off being a vampire, make you drink some kind of blood, and then you give up your vampire powers?

01:16:07.000 I don't believe that.

01:16:08.000 That's some shit where people make up.

01:16:09.000 Drink regular blood?

01:16:10.000 See, all these fucking pussy, cutesy vampires with beautiful hair, that's not what a vampire's supposed to be like. 1.00

01:16:18.000 Daylight kills you.

01:16:19.000 Garlic kills you.

01:16:20.000 People try all sorts of different variations of the vampire theme.

01:16:24.000 There's a book out called The Strain.

01:16:27.000 There's Guillermo del Toro and some other dude who wrote a book on vampires.

01:16:31.000 It starts out badass, but ultimately completely fizzles and becomes stupid.

01:16:36.000 It becomes almost like they had ten pages where they had to finish, so they just finished it.

01:16:41.000 And then he shot him and he died.

01:16:43.000 Yeah, it's like the, sort of, but it's weird in literature form because it seems like almost like it was written by two different people.

01:16:50.000 Like one person who really knew, he's a producer and director.

01:16:54.000 He's the guy who did Pan's Labyrinth.

01:16:56.000 Great, great movie.

01:16:58.000 Labyrinth, sorry.

01:16:59.000 But this book is almost like it's written by one person, and the other person finished it, it almost seems like.

01:17:04.000 Because in the beginning, they set everything up badass, and it's really creepy and suspenseful, and you're like, whoa, this is a good fucking book.

01:17:12.000 Like a real page-turner.

01:17:13.000 I remember I was reading it in Germany, and everybody else from the UFC was going to go to some after-party.

01:17:19.000 I purposely said, "No, I'm kind of tired." I went back to my room to read this book because it was that good.

01:17:25.000 I was so addicted to it.

01:17:26.000 I was stuck with it.

01:17:27.000 But then it turns into a stupid book.

01:17:29.000 The last 40 pages or something.

01:17:31.000 I love when I do something with a love story all of a sudden.

01:17:33.000 You're like, "What?" It didn't do that.

01:17:35.000 The detail was gone.

01:17:36.000 All of a sudden it was just, "And this happened.

01:17:38.000 And that happened." I was like, "Ew, what are you doing?" Do you think it fixed it in the movie?

01:17:42.000 I don't know.

01:17:43.000 I don't think it's going to be a movie.

01:17:44.000 They were trying to make it a miniseries.

01:17:46.000 Wait, they have billboards up for it.

01:17:47.000 They posted bills.

01:17:48.000 Oh, really?

01:17:49.000 The Strain?

01:17:50.000 Yeah.

01:17:50.000 Oh, wow.

01:17:51.000 I didn't know that.

01:17:51.000 Unless it's for the book.

01:17:51.000 Did the book just come out?

01:17:53.000 No.

01:17:53.000 The second book came out, but that was at least a year ago, I believe.

01:17:57.000 The second book.

01:17:57.000 Maybe they're making a movie about it.

01:17:58.000 Maybe.

01:17:59.000 I thought they were going to try it.

01:18:00.000 I think the original thing was a treatment for a miniseries.

01:18:03.000 And then he decided to turn it into a book and sell the book.

01:18:08.000 Two days ago, I started selling the bills for it.

01:18:09.000 Really?

01:18:10.000 The Strain, the movie.

01:18:11.000 Let's Google that shit.

01:18:12.000 But my point is...

01:18:13.000 It said, don't invite them in or something like that.

01:18:17.000 Do you think the Pan's Labyrinth porn version would be Pan's Lady?

01:18:21.000 Wow, they have a trailer out already.

01:18:24.000 No, I think they'll do better than that.

01:18:26.000 Really?

01:18:26.000 Oh, there's a trilogy.

01:18:28.000 That's what it is.

01:18:29.000 I think it's the book.

01:18:30.000 Oh, so it's a sequel to the book?

01:18:32.000 Yeah, because it doesn't say anything.

01:18:33.000 Oh, the Strain movie.

01:18:38.000 So you're getting peed on, Brian?

01:18:39.000 Yeah, it won't happen again.

01:18:41.000 Yeah, okay, it is.

01:18:42.000 It's a real movie.

01:18:44.000 Guermo del Toro.

01:18:45.000 It's a real movie.

01:18:46.000 But my point about vampires is that these guys did another different take on the vampire.

01:18:51.000 This vampire didn't have fangs.

01:18:53.000 Yeah, they always run a re-event, which I get, but it's like, come on, man.

01:18:56.000 They don't even attack your throat like a regular vampire does.

01:18:59.000 They put a little tiny incision that you can't even see.

01:19:02.000 You can barely see it.

01:19:03.000 It's so stupid.

01:19:05.000 It's like a tongue.

01:19:06.000 Their tongue morphs and becomes some little laser fucking razor blade thing.

01:19:11.000 It's really dumb.

01:19:12.000 It's like Nosferatu.

01:19:15.000 Nosferatu.

01:19:16.000 That's what a vampire is supposed to look like.

01:19:17.000 That old one from the 1900s, the one that was like, it was a silent radio.

01:19:23.000 That's what they're supposed to look like.

01:19:24.000 They're supposed to look like the undead.

01:19:25.000 They're supposed to look like horrible fucking creeps.

01:19:28.000 And they're supposed to have fangs.

01:19:29.000 And they're supposed to jack your throat.

01:19:31.000 Everything else you're inventing, you're just, you're inventing a new thing.

01:19:34.000 Did you see that Invite Me In movie?

01:19:35.000 Yes.

01:19:36.000 Yes.

01:19:37.000 Yeah.

01:19:37.000 With the chick from Superbad?

01:19:39.000 Yes.

01:19:39.000 Not Superbad, whatever it is.

01:19:40.000 Yes.

01:19:40.000 Yeah, that was pretty cool.

01:19:41.000 Yeah, I saw the original version too.

01:19:43.000 I don't remember the name of it.

01:19:44.000 One of them is Invite Me In.

01:19:45.000 Yeah, Invite Me In is the American version.

01:19:47.000 I forget what the other one is.

01:19:48.000 Let Me In.

01:19:49.000 Whatever it was.

01:19:50.000 I saw both of them.

01:19:51.000 What was that about?

01:19:52.000 It's about a girl, a little girl who's a vampire.

01:19:55.000 It's pretty dope.

01:19:56.000 It's realistic.

01:19:57.000 Eight forever.

01:19:58.000 Or whatever it is.

01:19:59.000 Perfect age.

01:20:00.000 It's just really cool.

01:20:01.000 And super realistic.

01:20:02.000 That's exactly what it is.

01:20:03.000 Super realistic.

01:20:04.000 Yes.

01:20:05.000 And sort of sad.

01:20:06.000 Not a great ending.

01:20:07.000 Not sort of happy.

01:20:07.000 It's sort of like, ugh.

01:20:08.000 The American one wasn't as good as the foreign one. 0.99

01:20:12.000 Well, it was close.

01:20:14.000 I wouldn't say it wasn't as good, because whenever you compare something to the old something, you always go, oh, this new Batman's gay. 0.87

01:20:20.000 It's just natural.

01:20:21.000 But there's that scene in the tunnel where she jacks that old man.

01:20:25.000 Oh my God, that was good.

01:20:26.000 That was good and weird, you know?

01:20:30.000 In the new one, you mean?

01:20:31.000 Yeah, in the new one.

01:20:32.000 The way she did it was frightening.

01:20:35.000 And that chick is good. 1.00

01:20:36.000 She's a good actress. 0.94

01:20:38.000 But that's a real goddamn vampire movie.

01:20:40.000 That's how they're supposed to be.

01:20:41.000 You can't invent stuff like, oh, they can go out in the sun, but they sparkle.

01:20:45.000 Fuck you.

01:20:46.000 Fuck you.

01:20:47.000 I like the glitter.

01:20:48.000 Fuck you, man.

01:20:49.000 They radiate when you hit the sun instead of die.

01:20:52.000 This is not a vampire.

01:20:53.000 This is some fake shit.

01:20:55.000 This is some fake shit, man.

01:20:57.000 God damn it.

01:20:58.000 It's just romance.

01:21:00.000 He wants his vampires real.

01:21:01.000 Girls want romance. 1.00

01:21:02.000 So speaking of romance, are your girls peeing on you again? 1.00

01:21:04.000 Oh yeah.

01:21:05.000 Yeah, I don't know what's happening now.

01:21:07.000 It happened again.

01:21:08.000 What do you mean?

01:21:09.000 In the middle of the night she just pees?

01:21:10.000 No, no, no.

01:21:11.000 While we're banging, when she comes, it just explodes. 0.99

01:21:14.000 And people sent me like...

01:21:15.000 Is she shooting or is it peeing?

01:21:17.000 She's either peeing or she's juicing so hard that it's the pee levels of amount. 0.94

01:21:23.000 But you said it smelled like pee.

01:21:25.000 Yeah.

01:21:25.000 It did.

01:21:26.000 It did smell like pee.

01:21:27.000 But what also I've been noticing is when I'm fucking her, it's gotten to the point where it's so wet that it's making Donald Duck noises. 0.96

01:21:38.000 It's filling up with so much liquid.

01:21:41.000 She needs to get a doctor, I think. 0.99

01:21:43.000 Well, you said she's a super nympho. 1.00

01:21:45.000 She, like, vibrates in the car while she's driving.

01:21:48.000 Yeah.

01:21:48.000 She puts a little vibrator.

01:21:49.000 Maybe she broke a vow. 0.81

01:21:51.000 And she wants dick, like, three times a day. 1.00

01:21:53.000 And poor Brian is forced to go to a gym now.

01:21:56.000 Yeah.

01:21:56.000 He's trying to get in shape.

01:21:57.000 Why?

01:21:58.000 Because I can't keep up anymore.

01:21:59.000 It's so much.

01:22:00.000 That's three times is the min, by the way.

01:22:03.000 She at least has to have it three times.

01:22:06.000 Are you caveman fucking her or are you just like whimpering or you slowly slide it in?

01:22:12.000 Luckily, you know, you figure out a girl, what she likes and stuff, you just have that one move that just makes them come like crazy.

01:22:18.000 Well, I just have to keep on doing that one move.

01:22:20.000 Well, don't say the move because then the next boyfriend will learn it.

01:22:23.000 So what happens if you don't want to do it?

01:22:25.000 Yeah, it's from behind and you're choking her. 1.00

01:22:29.000 And you punch her.

01:22:30.000 She likes to be punched. 1.00

01:22:31.000 Drop the elbow to the back of it.

01:22:33.000 Wait, so what happens if you don't do that?

01:22:37.000 I just can't do it a second or third time today.

01:22:41.000 She gets mad.

01:22:42.000 She gets mad.

01:22:42.000 So I have to, in my head, I'm like, oh, that's not good.

01:22:45.000 She's going to go somewhere else. 0.99

01:22:47.000 And so I have to do it.

01:22:48.000 And what I've been, you know, increasing my blowjob.

01:22:52.000 If you know me, I'm not a huge blowjob fan, but I have to increase that because that gives me some time, you know, to be like, all right, I'm ready to do this, you know, because it's something.

01:23:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:23:01.000 So it's now getting to the point where, I mean, like the other day, it was like six times.

01:23:06.000 And it was like, we would fuck.

01:23:07.000 And then like 10 minutes later, she goes, fuck me again. 1.00

01:23:10.000 I'm like, fuck.

01:23:12.000 You know what's hilarious, dude?

01:23:14.000 This is like a scene from The Twilight Zone.

01:23:16.000 This is like an episode of The Twilight Zone where a guy asks for a nympho and then he can't fucking take it back.

01:23:22.000 She's like, you better fuck me! 1.00

01:23:23.000 You better fuck me, you fucker! 1.00

01:23:25.000 She gets mad at you and you fucking freak out.

01:23:28.000 Wait, what does she do when she's gone?

01:23:29.000 Like on the road and stuff?

01:23:30.000 She has a selection of toys.

01:23:33.000 By the way, I don't know if you've ever heard of, for women, there's this Vib... 1.00

01:23:38.000 I can't remember what it is.

01:23:39.000 Vibrator?

01:23:40.000 It's like an iPod for vibrators.

01:23:42.000 It's the best vibrator ever.

01:23:44.000 I forget the name of the company that makes it.

01:23:45.000 An iPod?

01:23:46.000 What do you mean?

01:23:47.000 It's got a USB plug in it, so you just hook it up to your laptop to charge it.

01:23:51.000 And that's what charges it?

01:23:52.000 Yeah, it's what charges it.

01:23:53.000 And it's got like a thousand different settings.

01:23:55.000 You can download settings maybe?

01:23:57.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

01:24:00.000 Yeah, we think that vibration programs would sort of be like, you know, you get an elliptical machine, it simulates stairs.

01:24:07.000 They could do that in the vibrator.

01:24:08.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:24:09.000 Hard, fast.

01:24:13.000 So she's constantly trying to get off. 0.98

01:24:15.000 Yeah, non-stop.

01:24:17.000 She seriously spends most of her time. 0.62

01:24:20.000 It's really cool that you're dating a normal church now.

01:24:22.000 Well, I always equate obsessive sexual behavior with distraction.

01:24:29.000 I always say that whenever in my life that I've been obsessed sexually, whether I was obsessed with masturbating or obsessed with fucking, that it's a distraction and that really I was imbalanced.

01:24:40.000 And what I needed to do was get my mind in order.

01:24:44.000 And you wouldn't fuck anymore? 0.99

01:24:46.000 Yeah.

01:24:46.000 No, not that I wouldn't fuck anymore, but that I wouldn't be obsessive.

01:24:49.000 You know, there's a certain level of fucking or jerking off or anything where you do it even when you're not even horny.

01:24:54.000 You do it because this is the thing you're obsessed with.

01:24:57.000 This is the thing you're fixating on.

01:24:59.000 So, like, physically, your dick is limp.

01:25:01.000 Weird additions.

01:25:01.000 You're not horny, but yet you'll be chasing pussy like crazy.

01:25:05.000 Whereas, like, there's a big difference between that and, like, say if your girlfriend goes out of town for a couple weeks.

01:25:10.000 You're physically horny and I want to get laid. 1.00

01:25:11.000 It's been weeks.

01:25:12.000 Yeah, if your girlfriend goes out of town for a couple weeks and you haven't seen her and then you grab her and you hug and you kiss and your dick goes, slam, son!

01:25:19.000 It's time!

01:25:20.000 And that's that feeling, man, when you grab her and she's like, oh, fuck yeah.

01:25:24.000 That's real horniness. 1.00

01:25:26.000 That's the real deal.

01:25:27.000 That's the stuff that I missed.

01:25:28.000 Because I'm fucking four times a day.

01:25:30.000 Now it's just like, alright, must fuck, must fuck.

01:25:32.000 Well, that's what I'm thinking about your girl, too.

01:25:34.000 I think she can't really possibly be experiencing that either.

01:25:37.000 She seems to be obsessing.

01:25:39.000 I mean, I understand.

01:25:39.000 The concept of nympho, I always wonder...

01:25:42.000 She's getting all wet. 0.99

01:25:43.000 She's getting hard.

01:25:44.000 Yeah, but if it's a girl, it's different.

01:25:46.000 It's a girl, it's different for a girl. 0.99

01:25:48.000 The whole setup is different.

01:25:50.000 It's not like a dick.

01:25:52.000 A dick is a highly complicated biomedical condition.

01:25:56.000 You know, a hard-on.

01:25:57.000 A hard-on is not, if a guy had a bone, you know, like if your dick was a bone and you could just fuck all the time, you would wear the skin out of that thing.

01:26:04.000 It would look like a rhino horn.

01:26:06.000 It would just be pointy at the tip and all broken down and scabby and fucking hard.

01:26:11.000 You'd just be fucking all the time.

01:26:13.000 Ah!

01:26:14.000 But because of that, your dick is this really complicated sort of an arrangement where everything has to be in line.

01:26:22.000 You have the right amount of sexual confidence.

01:26:25.000 You can't have too much liquor.

01:26:26.000 You can't have too many distractions or bills.

01:26:28.000 There can't be too much noise.

01:26:30.000 Nobody can be screaming at you.

01:26:31.000 You know, if you had a rhino horned dick, you could just fuck it.

01:26:34.000 You know, if people scream at you, stop fucking my ass! 1.00

01:26:36.000 Fuck you! 0.99

01:26:37.000 I'm fucking hurt!

01:26:38.000 Yeah, you got a crazy bone.

01:26:40.000 You never have to worry about it going dead.

01:26:42.000 But anything can cause your boner to stop.

01:26:45.000 You know, you can get in...

01:26:46.000 Have you ever gotten in an argument in the middle of fucking... 0.83

01:26:48.000 Uh, yeah.

01:26:49.000 I thought of bills sometimes, but it's something really rearing on me.

01:26:52.000 Or like getting some parts.

01:26:54.000 Yeah, you can do that.

01:26:54.000 It's just so distracting.

01:26:55.000 You're like, oh fuck, it's going away.

01:26:56.000 And then your dick starts going limp.

01:26:58.000 Yeah.

01:26:59.000 Yeah.

01:27:00.000 There's a girl that I dated a long ass time ago who used to argue about everything. 1.00

01:27:03.000 She always wanted to argue.

01:27:05.000 And she would argue while we're fucking. 1.00

01:27:07.000 While we're fucking.

01:27:07.000 She would just start arguing.

01:27:08.000 And I had to pull out.

01:27:09.000 I had to pull out and stop.

01:27:10.000 I said, what?

01:27:11.000 What?

01:27:12.000 I go, you're a fucking crazy person.

01:27:14.000 What?

01:27:15.000 We're having sex and you can't stop arguing.

01:27:17.000 That's when you start fucking her in the ass. 1.00

01:27:18.000 No, no, no.

01:27:19.000 That's when you run away before she kills you. 0.98

01:27:21.000 You've got the wrong advice, Brian.

01:27:24.000 That's terrible advice.

01:27:25.000 Yeah, so I don't know what to do.

01:27:26.000 I think it might be a doctor thing, though, lately.

01:27:28.000 It's just too wet.

01:27:30.000 I think it's a psychological thing.

01:27:31.000 I mean, I don't know physically.

01:27:34.000 Everyone's different, obviously.

01:27:35.000 You're much different than me.

01:27:37.000 I'm much different than Ari.

01:27:39.000 There's levels.

01:27:39.000 I mean, some people are autistic.

01:27:40.000 I'm sure some girls are sexually, just chemically imbalanced to some point of nymphomania. 1.00

01:27:45.000 Like, it's a physical thing.

01:27:46.000 But I also believe that a lot of the cases of nymphomania is distractions.

01:27:51.000 It's just like a man being obsessed with beating off.

01:27:54.000 You can call that guy a nymphomaniac.

01:27:56.000 But like a girl is just like having a rhino dick. 1.00

01:27:59.000 It becomes distraction or it's because he's distracted?

01:28:00.000 What are you saying?

01:28:02.000 What do you mean?

01:28:02.000 You're saying it's distraction.

01:28:04.000 A lot of the reason why they're doing it is because they're looking for a distraction.

01:28:08.000 From something else they should be doing?

01:28:09.000 Yes, from their life, from focusing on your life.

01:28:11.000 If you have issues and things that make you insecure, things where you haven't accomplished what you want to, things where you're not at a place where you need to be emotionally.

01:28:19.000 Yes, yes, gambling, all those things.

01:28:21.000 They're all completely related to an imbalance in your system, an imbalance of the human being.

01:28:27.000 When I get in the isolation tank, the number one thing, the number one theme when I get in there is sorting out things that are bothering me.

01:28:37.000 It forces me to consider all the things that are bothering me.

01:28:40.000 The isolation tank is the exact opposite of going to a hooker. 0.97

01:28:44.000 See, if you've got some shit going on, you're like, oh, I'll just call this bitch up right now. 1.00

01:28:46.000 She'll suck my dick for $500. 1.00

01:28:48.000 And you get crazy and you start going into a hooker frenzy.

01:28:50.000 I don't know.

01:28:51.000 I'm just making up a number.

01:28:52.000 But I know dudes who are addicted to hookers. 1.00

01:28:55.000 I know dudes who would always bring hookers out to clubs and they would always pick up hookers. 1.00

01:28:59.000 And they had hookers that would constantly text them, hey, babe, I'm here. 1.00

01:29:02.000 And they're spending thousands of dollars on hookers. 1.00

01:29:04.000 And those guys were all fucked up in the head.

01:29:07.000 All of them.

01:29:08.000 There's all sorts of imbalance.

01:29:10.000 It wasn't a horniness.

01:29:11.000 It was an obsession.

01:29:13.000 And a lot of that obsession is because you don't like certain parts of your own life and you're trying to not think about your problems.

01:29:20.000 So instead of thinking about your problems, you think about beating off or you think about gambling or you think about anything else.

01:29:28.000 Yeah, whatever the fuck it is that you become obsessed with.

01:29:32.000 Video games, you know?

01:29:35.000 Anything where you become obsessed to the point where it's not even enjoyable.

01:29:38.000 What that is, almost always, is you trying to avoid some shit that's really bothering you.

01:29:43.000 You're trying to ignore it.

01:29:46.000 It's anti-evolutionary.

01:29:48.000 You're in a rut behavior.

01:29:50.000 You're like a crazy rat sitting in the corner bobbing back and forth waiting for your heroin.

01:29:54.000 It's completely unproductive.

01:29:56.000 Yeah.

01:29:58.000 So your girlfriend's crazy. 1.00

01:30:00.000 You need to take your girlfriend to a doctor. 0.99

01:30:02.000 Yeah, I'm going to.

01:30:02.000 Take her to a psychologist.

01:30:04.000 Or maybe go to one of those car washes with the vacuum cleaner.

01:30:07.000 Just suck out all the juice.

01:30:08.000 Sometimes people need to talk to somebody about their shit.

01:30:12.000 Have you asked her what it is, if it's pee?

01:30:13.000 Well, she's got some issues. 1.00

01:30:14.000 Well, she doesn't know.

01:30:15.000 It just started like two days ago where it's just...

01:30:17.000 I mean, seriously, when we're having sex, it's really loud.

01:30:20.000 It's like...

01:30:21.000 It's like Donald Duck on a carousel.

01:30:24.000 That doesn't bother me as much as the constantly wanting to fuck all the time.

01:30:29.000 I always think, just fuck me, get me, stop thinking about this, just come on, fuck me.

01:30:33.000 I want to feel something.

01:30:34.000 If you know her past, and you've talked about her issues in her past, she really needs to go to someone and sit down and talk to somebody.

01:30:41.000 That's what she needs to do.

01:30:42.000 I think a lot of people need that, man.

01:30:44.000 It's not a bad thing.

01:30:46.000 It's not a weak thing.

01:30:46.000 Other people can help you.

01:30:47.000 See, the problem is she was talked about going to a sex addiction anonymous type thing. 0.99

01:30:53.000 But the problem is I don't want her going there with other sex addicts.

01:30:57.000 That just seems like a bad idea.

01:30:59.000 Yeah, you go there and some dude looks like the new Conan.

01:31:02.000 Some six foot four fucking swarthy handsome bastard with giant pectorals and a fucking iron eel shaped dick. 0.80

01:31:09.000 I would say that if a girl looks like your girlfriend wants to get laid, she would have zero problems. 1.00

01:31:15.000 So you're saying I'd go to the sex addiction thing to pick up girls.

01:31:19.000 What I'm saying is, if somebody wants to fuck her, she's gonna fuck. 1.00

01:31:23.000 She doesn't need to be around another sex addict to do that. 0.99

01:31:25.000 That's very unfortunate.

01:31:26.000 She can get dick at the subway. 1.00

01:31:28.000 I need to start throwing burning wax on her face once in a while. 1.00

01:31:31.000 12 inch tuna.

01:31:33.000 And get her pussy eaten. 1.00

01:31:36.000 Bring back the chastity belt. 1.00

01:31:37.000 No, honey, don't wear your seat belt.

01:31:38.000 Just listen.

01:31:39.000 Stop being scared.

01:31:40.000 Make it rust-proof.

01:31:41.000 Look, you're gonna die, okay?

01:31:42.000 There's no stability to any of this shit.

01:31:44.000 This earth...

01:31:45.000 The sun's gonna die.

01:31:46.000 The sun only has a billion years left, or whatever the fuck it has.

01:31:49.000 Six billion years, whatever the fuck they predict.

01:31:51.000 This is all temporary, bro.

01:31:53.000 You're fucking this really hot girl. 1.00

01:31:55.000 Just enjoy it.

01:31:56.000 Be nice to her, enjoy it, and get that bitch a doctor, because she needs a doctor. 1.00

01:32:00.000 She's getting...

01:32:01.000 She wants too much dick. 1.00

01:32:02.000 It's ridiculous.

01:32:03.000 Or, you know...

01:32:05.000 Whatever.

01:32:06.000 What the fuck do I know?

01:32:07.000 Am I an expert on this?

01:32:08.000 I don't even have a vagina! 1.00

01:32:12.000 Men are such non-experts in the vagina, no one has completely isolated what squirting is. 0.99

01:32:17.000 I mean, think about every single fucking function of the man's body.

01:32:22.000 Every single function of the man's body has been cleverly analyzed.

01:32:25.000 But the woman's body has a Loch Ness Monster. 1.00

01:32:28.000 I think they're hiding something.

01:32:29.000 That's what squirting is. 0.99

01:32:30.000 Squirting is like the Bigfoot of the woman's body. 1.00

01:32:32.000 Like, what is this?

01:32:32.000 Is this real?

01:32:33.000 What is this?

01:32:34.000 Is it a UFO? Squirting is like fucking paranormal.

01:32:37.000 Nobody knows what the fuck that is.

01:32:38.000 There's a lot of debate about whether or not that's piss.

01:32:40.000 There's a lot of debate about whether you should be impressed by it or not.

01:32:43.000 Yeah, ew.

01:32:44.000 Or if you should drink it.

01:32:46.000 Websites.

01:32:46.000 I'm going to try to bring some next time I'm here so you can look at it and smell it and tell me what you think.

01:32:50.000 I'm not going to smell it.

01:32:51.000 Yeah, bring it in.

01:32:52.000 I'll smell it.

01:32:53.000 You will?

01:32:53.000 Fuck yeah, I'll smell it on camera.

01:32:55.000 Will you taste it?

01:32:55.000 Will you rub it on your chest?

01:32:56.000 I'll rub a little around my nipple. 0.60

01:32:58.000 For those just for coloring.

01:33:00.000 Just around the nipple.

01:33:02.000 Imagine if it made me super sensitive and I started crying.

01:33:06.000 Like it's soaked into your pores?

01:33:07.000 Leaked into my pores.

01:33:08.000 Oh my god!

01:33:11.000 They say that men's loads actually help cure depression in women.

01:33:15.000 Really?

01:33:16.000 Yeah, believe it or not.

01:33:17.000 That there's something in male semen when absorbed by the woman's body, the reaction actually alleviates depression.

01:33:27.000 So maybe that's why she wants dick all the time. 1.00

01:33:29.000 It could be that.

01:33:29.000 Did a male scientist do this research?

01:33:32.000 Yeah!

01:33:32.000 Get on the pill or use condoms?

01:33:33.000 Yeah, I should before referencing that.

01:33:35.000 Get on the pill or use condoms?

01:33:36.000 Ah, condoms.

01:33:37.000 Wow.

01:33:37.000 Ew, really?

01:33:39.000 That's the problem.

01:33:39.000 That's what I have to tell people.

01:33:40.000 You're not giving her any real dick. 1.00

01:33:41.000 That's what you have to tell people.

01:33:44.000 Yeah, that's hilarious.

01:33:46.000 Semen acts as an antidepressant. 0.96

01:33:48.000 Yeah, it's in a science journal, man.

01:33:50.000 This is a new scientist.

01:33:51.000 Hey, you just got an STD test.

01:33:53.000 How did that go?

01:33:54.000 Hold on, sweat this before we get into that.

01:33:55.000 This is really true.

01:33:57.000 Semen actually makes you happy. 1.00

01:33:59.000 The remarkable conclusion of a study comparing women whose partners wear condoms with those whose partners don't.

01:34:04.000 That's the problem, dude.

01:34:05.000 You're wearing condoms.

01:34:06.000 Wink, wink.

01:34:07.000 Nudge, nudge.

01:34:08.000 Yeah.

01:34:08.000 The study is bound to provoke controversy.

01:34:11.000 Okay, this is sort of anecdotal evidence.

01:34:13.000 They could have just got lucky and found...

01:34:16.000 People who fuck it feels better.

01:34:18.000 I don't think semen makes you better.

01:34:19.000 When you fuck without a condom, it feels better.

01:34:22.000 You can just say that.

01:34:23.000 I've heard girls with a condom calling it... 1.00

01:34:26.000 It's like getting a massage with your t-shirt on.

01:34:29.000 Oh wow, that's a good way of putting it.

01:34:31.000 Yeah, that's probably why they feel better about their relationships.

01:34:36.000 Because the sex actually feels really fucking good.

01:34:39.000 You know, it probably has nothing to do with...

01:34:41.000 You should talk to people who pull out.

01:34:43.000 But nobody wants to admit they pull out.

01:34:45.000 Nobody wants to admit they're so stupid that that's their method of birth control.

01:34:49.000 You could analyze them.

01:34:51.000 Nobody wants to admit that, man.

01:34:54.000 There's a bit from my act, and it's absolutely fucking true, how I made my first daughter.

01:34:58.000 That was 100% pulling out.

01:35:01.000 That was all pulling.

01:35:02.000 I pulled the fuck out.

01:35:03.000 I didn't leave it in there.

01:35:04.000 I wasn't drunk.

01:35:05.000 I know what I was doing.

01:35:06.000 It doesn't matter.

01:35:07.000 There's some really determined sperm that will make shit happen. 1.00

01:35:10.000 So don't try the pull-out method.

01:35:12.000 I used to.

01:35:15.000 God, you're so lucky!

01:35:17.000 Well, it's hard.

01:35:18.000 It's not as easy to knock someone up as you think.

01:35:21.000 Because when we were trying to have the second baby, I fucked her a lot. 1.00

01:35:25.000 And I was always shooting loads in there.

01:35:26.000 Yeah, dawg!

01:35:27.000 Yeah!

01:35:27.000 Give me some nuggets, bro.

01:35:29.000 Yeah, but it took like a couple of months.

01:35:31.000 I was like, Jesus Christ.

01:35:32.000 Really?

01:35:33.000 Fucking you every day.

01:35:34.000 You know, this is getting ridiculous.

01:35:36.000 You know, around the time when she was ovulating, whenever she was ovulating, it was a mall session.

01:35:40.000 I fucked the shit out of her for like seven, eight days in a row. 1.00

01:35:42.000 She said, all right, we're going to make some babies. 0.95

01:35:44.000 I got fired up and smoked a lot of weed, listened to some good music and go and just fucking attack. 0.56

01:35:49.000 But it doesn't always work, man.

01:35:50.000 It took a few months of that.

01:35:52.000 I shot loads in her every single day that she was ovulating, and it still took months. 0.99

01:35:57.000 Eddie Bravo.

01:35:58.000 It's taking him.

01:35:59.000 He's trying to have a baby.

01:36:00.000 I shouldn't talk about that.

01:36:00.000 I don't know if he wants to release that.

01:36:02.000 My girlfriend played a practical joke on me because we got a birth control test the other day at Target, and she got a red Sharpie and made the mark so it was pregnant, and she just laid it on the bathroom floor and didn't say anything. 1.00

01:36:13.000 You say it's a practical joke, but she probably wanted to see your reaction.

01:36:16.000 Because every girl deep down inside wants to have babies. 1.00

01:36:20.000 Yeah, well, my actual reaction was, God, yes!

01:36:23.000 And I gave her a hug, and I was like...

01:36:25.000 Oh, my God.

01:36:25.000 Really?

01:36:26.000 No.

01:36:27.000 I was like, if there's any man-child, it's not quite...

01:36:31.000 God damn it, Brian.

01:36:31.000 If you really told me that you had a baby, I was like...

01:36:35.000 I flashed in my head, okay, I've got to get him to join the Army.

01:36:39.000 He needs to become a man.

01:36:40.000 Get out of this now.

01:36:41.000 I was just shocked.

01:36:43.000 I was thinking, can you get a guy in boot camp without having him be in the actual army?

01:36:47.000 I don't want him to go overseas, but he needs to go straight to being a cook.

01:36:51.000 He needs to go to Afghanistan and fucking run around with a backpack on. 0.99

01:36:54.000 He needs to become a man.

01:36:56.000 You guys know I'd be an awesome dad.

01:36:58.000 You would be a good dad.

01:36:59.000 Look, he got so depressed that his cat hurt her foot and he started smoking.

01:37:03.000 He's very concerned.

01:37:04.000 No, you would not be a good dad.

01:37:06.000 Well, that's why I always tell Eddie Bravo he'd be a great dad, because he fucking dotes over his bunnies.

01:37:12.000 He's so into bunnies.

01:37:13.000 I'm like, dude, wait until you have a kid.

01:37:14.000 There's so much responsibility.

01:37:16.000 What, kids?

01:37:17.000 Yes.

01:37:17.000 They are.

01:37:18.000 They're an amazing amount of responsibility.

01:37:19.000 You can't procrastinate at all with them.

01:37:20.000 No, you can't.

01:37:21.000 But, you know, Louis C.K. told me this once, you get more shit done when you have kids, because, you know, you don't sit around and just fart around and think about getting things done.

01:37:28.000 Like, you only have a certain amount of time.

01:37:29.000 Like, it forces you to work.

01:37:30.000 Oh, by the way, tonight, Doug Stanhope's on Louis.

01:37:32.000 Oh, he is?

01:37:33.000 Oh, cool.

01:37:33.000 Awesome.

01:37:34.000 I saw Doug on the Green Room episode with Janine Garofalo, and he went after Janine Garofalo.

01:37:41.000 What did he go out there for?

01:37:41.000 What did he say?

01:37:42.000 Well, because the day after 9-11, she was on stage in Texas saying that we need to support the president, support George Bush.

01:37:49.000 And then she changed? 0.85

01:37:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. 0.85

01:37:51.000 You know, that whole fucking liberal intellectual with one finger in the air that they moisten to check out the fucking political wind.

01:37:59.000 Which way is it blowing?

01:38:01.000 Which way is it blowing?

01:38:02.000 I don't mind people changing their mind.

01:38:03.000 I totally agree with that.

01:38:04.000 But then you're going to harshly judge everyone who hasn't changed their mind fast enough yet?

01:38:08.000 But she denied it, which is much more interesting.

01:38:10.000 Oh, really?

01:38:10.000 It's much more interesting to watch someone deny it.

01:38:12.000 And what, there was video of it?

01:38:13.000 Yeah.

01:38:14.000 Well, I had...

01:38:15.000 But why?

01:38:16.000 You know, it just didn't happen.

01:38:18.000 And Doug was very adamant about it.

01:38:19.000 Because I remember him telling me about it, how ridiculous he thought it was when it happened at the time.

01:38:23.000 You know, that you support any...

01:38:25.000 Why would you ever fucking support any of these fucks that are running this country? 0.94

01:38:29.000 They're all goddamn criminals...

01:38:32.000 Everything they do that's legal should be illegal.

01:38:34.000 Everything they do that's secret should be open.

01:38:37.000 Transparency in government is the number one reason why all this shit can take place.

01:38:40.000 I firmly believe that they have fake spies and fake data breaches and fake hacks just so they can tighten down security and just so they can make more things secret.

01:38:50.000 I really truly believe that.

01:38:51.000 I think if I was trying to run shit the way this United States government has run, the way they're constantly taking money...

01:38:57.000 What do you think the reason would be for them to make things secret?

01:38:59.000 Money!

01:38:59.000 All money.

01:39:01.000 Hiding where the money goes.

01:39:02.000 Hiding money.

01:39:03.000 Well, look, you know about this whole thing where there was a bailout.

01:39:07.000 We thought it was a certain amount of money, and it turned out to be $16 trillion in secret bailouts.

01:39:12.000 Yeah, because Ron Paul and someone else audited the Fed, and they got a detailed list.

01:39:18.000 You didn't hear about this?

01:39:19.000 $16 trillion.

01:39:19.000 It couldn't be $16 trillion.

01:39:22.000 It went from $800 billion to $16 trillion?

01:39:25.000 Secret bailouts.

01:39:26.000 Hold on.

01:39:27.000 I'll read you the article.

01:39:28.000 And these are in mainstream publications.

01:39:30.000 So 20 times as much as they...

01:39:32.000 Audit of the Federal Reserve reveals $16 trillion in bailouts.

01:39:37.000 This is not just on one site.

01:39:39.000 This is on many, many sites.

01:39:41.000 And it's the first ever government accountability office audit of the Federal Reserve was carried out in the past few months due to the due to Ron Paul Allen Grayson amendment amendment to the Dodd-Frank bill, which passed last year.

01:39:56.000 And Jim DeMint, Republican senator and Bernie Sanders, an independent senator, led the charge for the Federal Reserve audit in the Senate, but watered down the original language of the House, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:40:09.000 What was revealed in the audit was startling.

01:40:13.000 Sixteen trillion.

01:40:15.000 Trillion.

01:40:16.000 Listen to this.

01:40:16.000 There's a bunch of websites with a very similar article, but listen to the trillion.

01:40:20.000 Listen to that many zeros.

01:40:21.000 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

01:40:27.000 Twelve fucking zeros!

01:40:30.000 That is sixteen thousand billion dollars.

01:40:33.000 That's what that is.

01:40:34.000 It's amazing!

01:40:36.000 And this is $16 trillion had been secretly given out to U.S. banks and corporations and foreign banks everywhere from France to Scotland.

01:40:45.000 The period between December 2007 and June 2010, the Federal Reserve had secretly bailed out many of the world's banks, corporations, and governments.

01:40:56.000 The Federal Reserve likes to refer to these secret bailouts as an all-inclusive loan program, but virtually none of the money has been returned...

01:41:06.000 And it was loaned out at 0% interest.

01:41:09.000 Now, why isn't this on mainstream news?

01:41:11.000 What news source is that?

01:41:13.000 There's a lot of different...

01:41:14.000 I'll find this website.

01:41:17.000 It's called The Plain Truth.

01:41:19.000 But it's been on the Daily Cause.

01:41:22.000 Daily Cause?

01:41:23.000 Yeah, KOS, which is like a real liberal news source.

01:41:28.000 But it was in the Huffington Post.

01:41:30.000 It was in, like, I know, Secret Bill.

01:41:32.000 I'll write Huffington Post because I know it was in that too.

01:41:35.000 We need you to collect that money, Ari.

01:41:36.000 Do the Bobby Lee choke method.

01:41:38.000 And people are like, the fucking Huffington Post is not, it's a liberal rag.

01:41:41.000 It is true.

01:41:42.000 16 trillion.

01:41:44.000 The Huffington Post is more reputable.

01:41:45.000 Let's try CNN. Yeah, CNN has it too.

01:41:51.000 $16 trillion is whatever we said we spent on bailouts, that's 20 times, 20 of those, in secret, on top of the one we did, for real, that people argued against.

01:42:00.000 Yeah.

01:42:01.000 This one's saying $9 trillion, this other presscore.ca, Canadian website saying $9 trillion.

01:42:07.000 Either way, it's, okay, marketobservation.com.

01:42:11.000 There's a lot of websites that have this story.

01:42:13.000 Well, there's only one that has $9 trillion.

01:42:15.000 Everything else seems to be sticking with between $13 and $16 trillion.

01:42:18.000 And totally adding it up?

01:42:20.000 Yeah, there's a lot of websites, man.

01:42:22.000 I mean, the Google hits, I got 4,200,000 results.

01:42:26.000 Wow.

01:42:27.000 So it's obvious that this has been talked about on a bunch of different websites.

01:42:30.000 Yeah.

01:42:31.000 Speaking of politics, I'll be watching DC on August 26th, 27th.

01:42:33.000 Oh, what a fucking segue!

01:42:35.000 What a segue!

01:42:36.000 Where are you going to be?

01:42:37.000 The Atlas Performing Arts Center.

01:42:39.000 How come you're not at the Improv, those cunts? 1.00

01:42:40.000 Are they not booking you?

01:42:41.000 No, they won't book me.

01:42:42.000 What kind of ridiculous shit is that?

01:42:44.000 Listen, you dirty bitches. 1.00

01:42:45.000 Just because Ari Shafir came up at the Improv does not mean that he can't go there and headline.

01:42:52.000 I love that Improv.

01:42:53.000 Don't be cunty.

01:42:53.000 I like Allison.

01:42:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:42:56.000 Headliner, Ari Shafir.

01:42:57.000 Listen, we'll make you a deal.

01:42:59.000 We'll pump it up on Twitter.

01:43:00.000 We'll talk about it on the podcast.

01:43:02.000 That's what we're doing with the Atlas Performing Arts Center.

01:43:05.000 And you know what we're going to do?

01:43:06.000 We're going to pump it up the same way I'm going to pump up this weekend, August 13th in Milwaukee, Wisconsin at the Pabst Theater.

01:43:11.000 Oh, that'll be fun.

01:43:12.000 Holler at your boy.

01:43:13.000 Have you ever played Wisconsin before?

01:43:16.000 Yes, a long time ago.

01:43:18.000 Brian, we still need to put that Denver date up on the Ustream page.

01:43:22.000 It is up.

01:43:23.000 No, on this one.

01:43:24.000 See?

01:43:25.000 Hit refresh.

01:43:26.000 I did.

01:43:26.000 Just did.

01:43:29.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:43:30.000 Something happened.

01:43:30.000 When are you going to Denver?

01:43:31.000 That's September 23rd.

01:43:33.000 What are you playing?

01:43:34.000 The Paramount Theater.

01:43:35.000 Holla at you, boy! 0.93

01:43:36.000 I used to do the Comedy Works, but Joe Diaz cannot get booked at the Comedy Works.

01:43:41.000 And I get tired of going to Denver and everybody asking.

01:43:43.000 Yeah.

01:43:44.000 And, you know...

01:43:45.000 Is Wendy promoting that or somebody else?

01:43:47.000 I think she has something to do with her, too.

01:43:49.000 But she can't stop Joey Diaz from coming into town.

01:43:52.000 Yeah.

01:43:52.000 I was about to say, it's like, what are you guys doing?

01:43:54.000 Joey Diaz had something that happened 20 years ago.

01:43:55.000 He had the most ridiculous version of that story, too.

01:43:58.000 His version of the story was, the girl, she was on the stage, she jumped off the stage, I clutched her, and I had her ass in my hand for a brief second.

01:44:06.000 Yeah.

01:44:06.000 And comics talk through it saying that that was sexual harassment.

01:44:09.000 I bet it's a lot of comics just not being cool with crazy shit that happens at comedy clubs.

01:44:13.000 Like somebody complaining.

01:44:14.000 Well, Joe Diaz style craziness.

01:44:16.000 Joe Diaz is perfectly fitted to the comedy store.

01:44:18.000 Yeah.

01:44:19.000 You know, he talks about that girl that he got to suck his dick every time she got on stage in the belly room. 1.00

01:44:23.000 She had to suck his dick. 1.00

01:44:25.000 Who was that?

01:44:26.000 Some girl. 0.97

01:44:27.000 But she quit. 0.97

01:44:27.000 She quit comedy and then she sent a letter to the comedy store. 0.97

01:44:31.000 So angry that he did that.

01:44:33.000 And Joey talks about it and laughs.

01:44:36.000 Animals there.

01:44:37.000 They're animals.

01:44:37.000 I love it.

01:44:38.000 Well, he was probably running it like that in Colorado.

01:44:41.000 You know, knowing the Joey that we know from back in the day...

01:44:43.000 He was making a party.

01:44:44.000 Yeah, he was making a party and someone panicked and, you know, some fucking really white guy, probably, just couldn't handle it.

01:44:52.000 I mean, Joey Diaz was a criminal from New Jersey who all of a sudden lived in Colorado and was robbing people with machine guns and fucking...

01:45:01.000 Kidnapping cocaine dealers.

01:45:02.000 That's the best.

01:45:03.000 But not real kidnapping.

01:45:05.000 I just robbed somebody's cocaine stash with a machine gun.

01:45:07.000 Yeah, why?

01:45:08.000 Dude.

01:45:09.000 That's so much better.

01:45:09.000 I love it.

01:45:10.000 I love it so much.

01:45:11.000 Let me tell you something.

01:45:11.000 He was so hard.

01:45:13.000 Yeah.

01:45:13.000 Oh, he was crazy.

01:45:14.000 It's amazing how nice he is.

01:45:15.000 He was so hard.

01:45:16.000 He was a straight criminal.

01:45:18.000 It's great.

01:45:19.000 It's a complete change.

01:45:20.000 He went on a 10-minute rant about how the weed sucked the last time we had a podcast.

01:45:24.000 He was calling it Susquehanna Weed.

01:45:26.000 Because Susquehanna was a hat company from the Laurel and Hardy show.

01:45:29.000 I had to calm him down for five minutes before he explained it.

01:45:32.000 I love when he goes off on rants.

01:45:33.000 He was going so quick.

01:45:34.000 He gave me this fucking Susquehanna weed.

01:45:36.000 And I was like, what is he saying?

01:45:38.000 You know how Joey Diaz mispronounces words?

01:45:40.000 I thought he was saying like Hannah Montana weed.

01:45:42.000 So he was calling it Susquehanna.

01:45:43.000 That's what I thought he was calling it.

01:45:44.000 Yeah, me too, right?

01:45:45.000 You did.

01:45:45.000 I like that name better anyway.

01:45:47.000 Susquehanna weed's hilarious.

01:45:49.000 But what it was is, here's a tip, ladies and gentlemen.

01:45:51.000 Don't do this with your weed.

01:45:52.000 Don't grind your weed up in a coffee grinder.

01:45:57.000 I've done that for a little bit, and it's a matter of how many times you press it down because the weed gets chopped up really quick.

01:46:03.000 Have you put it in bowls of vaporizer like that?

01:46:06.000 That is a good move.

01:46:08.000 In a vaporizer, it works like that.

01:46:09.000 Because you don't have to worry in a vaporizer about sucking the air through it.

01:46:13.000 But when you roll a joint with it and it's powder, it's too hard to get oxygen through.

01:46:16.000 And so I don't think you get as high.

01:46:18.000 So that's what Joey was responding to the other day.

01:46:21.000 That and the fact that he was in traffic for like an hour and a half getting here.

01:46:24.000 Sometimes it's so hard to get here.

01:46:26.000 And he's fucking screaming at his...

01:46:28.000 Don't you get a bike, you fuck!

01:46:29.000 And he made a video of it.

01:46:31.000 It's hilarious.

01:46:31.000 While he's driving it here?

01:46:33.000 Yes, yeah.

01:46:33.000 Yes, and he showed it to us after the show.

01:46:34.000 So we're going to add that video to the end of the blog videos that we do.

01:46:39.000 You go to JoeRogan.net, there's always blog videos.

01:46:42.000 He'll send it to us.

01:46:43.000 That's a funny video it sounds like.

01:46:44.000 Yeah, and if it doesn't, he lives on the street from you.

01:46:47.000 You can just go to his house and upload it.

01:46:48.000 I'll just recreate it.

01:46:51.000 Recreate it?

01:46:51.000 You know, why would you recreate it?

01:46:53.000 But what he did was perfect.

01:46:55.000 The way he said it was perfect.

01:46:56.000 He's fucking screaming at people and going nuts because he's stuck in traffic.

01:46:59.000 We're going to Buffalo together.

01:47:01.000 You are?

01:47:02.000 Yeah.

01:47:02.000 When?

01:47:03.000 September 17th.

01:47:04.000 September 17th.

01:47:05.000 At the town ballroom.

01:47:07.000 You and Joey?

01:47:08.000 Yeah.

01:47:08.000 Who booked this?

01:47:10.000 This guy contacted us.

01:47:12.000 And I let Joey work out the details.

01:47:14.000 It was just fucking, yeah.

01:47:16.000 September 17th?

01:47:17.000 Is that what you said?

01:47:18.000 Uh-huh.

01:47:18.000 Nice.

01:47:20.000 September 17th is Saturday.

01:47:22.000 There's a UFC that night in New Orleans.

01:47:25.000 Oh, really?

01:47:25.000 Yeah.

01:47:26.000 That's so awesome.

01:47:27.000 Yeah, that should be good, man.

01:47:28.000 So what is the name of the place?

01:47:30.000 The Town Ballroom?

01:47:31.000 The Town Ballroom?

01:47:32.000 C-O-W-N-E. Well, make sure you come on. 1.00

01:47:34.000 Both of you guys come on that week.

01:47:36.000 Okay.

01:47:36.000 And push it.

01:47:38.000 Yeah, you know what we'll do?

01:47:39.000 I have that Wednesday open.

01:47:41.000 I'm not filming Fear Factor that Wednesday.

01:47:43.000 So we'll do a podcast with you and Joey that Wednesday.

01:47:46.000 And we'll talk about that weekend.

01:47:49.000 Yeah.

01:47:49.000 I think I'm going to try to hit New York for a few days after that.

01:47:51.000 We've got to do a daytime podcast though.

01:47:53.000 A nighttime podcast.

01:47:54.000 Joey gets too angry.

01:47:55.000 What?

01:47:55.000 Nighttime?

01:47:56.000 Oh, how's Fairfax going?

01:47:57.000 Is that why you did nighttime?

01:47:58.000 Yeah, I had a film all day.

01:47:59.000 It's going easy.

01:48:00.000 It's easy as fuck, man.

01:48:01.000 It's the easiest job in show business.

01:48:03.000 Three days for an episode.

01:48:07.000 The easy stunt is where they have to eat things.

01:48:10.000 Those usually take a couple hours.

01:48:11.000 The other days take like five hours, six hours.

01:48:13.000 Set up everything.

01:48:14.000 It's fucking easy, man.

01:48:15.000 It's going into a show.

01:48:17.000 The people were running it.

01:48:18.000 The same people that ran it the old days.

01:48:23.000 So it's the same people.

01:48:24.000 They know exactly what the fuck they're doing.

01:48:26.000 It's easiness.

01:48:28.000 It's just easy money.

01:48:32.000 What was that?

01:48:33.000 I don't know.

01:48:34.000 It just dropped off the sound for a second.

01:48:35.000 Yeah.

01:48:35.000 Oh, you know what that is?

01:48:36.000 That's that limiter that we have on now.

01:48:38.000 That's to keep the Joey Diaz sounds from getting too crazy.

01:48:43.000 Oh, so if we don't make any sounds, it drops off extra hard?

01:48:44.000 It just turns off the mic.

01:48:46.000 Oh, it's like a Prius.

01:48:47.000 Yeah.

01:48:48.000 Yeah, it's like a shitty hybrid.

01:48:50.000 It just stops recording when no one's talking.

01:48:52.000 Have you ever thought about buying one of those?

01:48:54.000 A hybrid?

01:48:54.000 I'm getting a Leaf.

01:48:55.000 A Leaf or a Volt, one of those all-electric cars.

01:48:58.000 I'm sold on it.

01:48:59.000 All the details I've read, you buy two batteries, you charge one into your house, you keep one going.

01:49:05.000 They give you all these tax incentives to get one.

01:49:08.000 Really?

01:49:08.000 If you get a home charger, they give you a ton more tax incentives.

01:49:11.000 I'm talking about like $4,000 to $8,000 for each one.

01:49:14.000 To go towards the cost of a car.

01:49:15.000 And then the amount of oil it takes is virtually none.

01:49:19.000 One of them has almost none, the other one has completely electric.

01:49:23.000 And how long can it go?

01:49:24.000 So one of them is a hybrid.

01:49:25.000 Which one's the hybrid?

01:49:26.000 I think that's the Chevy Volt.

01:49:27.000 I think the Nissan Leaf is the only all-electric car.

01:49:30.000 And so with both of them, yeah, I think...

01:49:33.000 You keep an extra battery in the car.

01:49:35.000 And they said this, they said more stuff can go wrong.

01:49:38.000 Wrong.

01:49:38.000 There's only one thing.

01:49:39.000 The engine is way simpler.

01:49:41.000 You just took out this battery, put another one in.

01:49:44.000 Nothing can go wrong.

01:49:45.000 Way more can break on a regular car.

01:49:47.000 They have Priuses down pretty good right now.

01:49:49.000 Yeah, and they have an even better thing, all electric.

01:49:51.000 I think if you're somewhere and you need fucking energy, you can't rely just on energy.

01:49:56.000 You have to have gas.

01:49:58.000 Because what if this whole thing fails and they decide, yeah, fuck this.

01:50:01.000 You at least want your car to be able to take ass.

01:50:03.000 What if they say fuck what?

01:50:03.000 What whole thing fails?

01:50:05.000 Civilization.

01:50:06.000 You know how it is.

01:50:07.000 What if these batteries become, you know, like they stop making the car.

01:50:10.000 The company goes out of business.

01:50:12.000 Nissan?

01:50:13.000 Yeah.

01:50:13.000 Jesus Christ, bro.

01:50:14.000 Nissan and Chevy are going out of business?

01:50:16.000 Just like Pontiac or just like all the other car companies that went out of business.

01:50:21.000 So if they stop making these batteries and they're on eBay for $50 million each.

01:50:27.000 How long would it have to be when it's around until you get a car like that?

01:50:32.000 I will get a hybrid.

01:50:33.000 I'll get a Prius type thing.

01:50:35.000 But how long would electrical stuff have to be around before you say, okay, it's going to be around.

01:50:38.000 It's not just going to end all of a sudden.

01:50:40.000 When all the batteries are the same for every single car.

01:50:45.000 Oh, what's the law where completely you have to get that car?

01:50:47.000 That's the only time you'll switch.

01:50:47.000 You know the way I feel now?

01:50:48.000 I'm way before that.

01:50:49.000 The way I feel where I know that there's some sort of a peak oil situation and we're slowly going to run out of resources and electric cars will slowly take over.

01:50:57.000 I fucking love driving a big, fat, stupid V8 right now, because I know these are the last of the Mohicans. 1.00

01:51:03.000 I never get any pleasure out of that.

01:51:04.000 My Mustang, dude?

01:51:05.000 I like going fast.

01:51:05.000 Why don't you drive my Mustang?

01:51:07.000 I'll let you drive.

01:51:07.000 You've been in that thing before.

01:51:08.000 You want to drive it?

01:51:09.000 You'll get it once you drive it.

01:51:11.000 Once you get behind that thing in that all-aluminum block, 550 fucking horsepower, the snarl of four-inch tailpipes, come on!

01:51:19.000 Can they not make a fast car like that?

01:51:23.000 It won't sound right.

01:51:25.000 It won't be right.

01:51:26.000 It'll be cool.

01:51:26.000 They have a Tesla.

01:51:28.000 The Tesla Roadster.

01:51:29.000 That's a very fast car.

01:51:30.000 Yeah, the Tesla Roadster is a very fast car.

01:51:33.000 And it's interesting because it's a little sports car.

01:51:36.000 But it's all balanced, all fucked up.

01:51:38.000 I got a Honda right now, so I'm not getting that joy anyway.

01:51:40.000 Yeah, he doesn't care.

01:51:41.000 I know you're not getting the joy, but you should.

01:51:43.000 You should.

01:51:44.000 Because you drive a five, six speed, right?

01:51:47.000 Five speed, yeah.

01:51:48.000 Yeah, your car is a manual.

01:51:50.000 It's a manual, right?

01:51:51.000 No, no, yeah, manual.

01:51:51.000 Well, if you have a manual, man, you know what it's like to shift all the time, okay?

01:51:56.000 That's what you're doing all day.

01:51:57.000 My first car was a manual, a Datsun.

01:51:57.000 I like manuals.

01:51:58.000 I like them for real cars.

01:52:00.000 I don't like them for traffic, but I like them for real cars.

01:52:04.000 When you drive a Mustang, and it's one of those GT500s and a manual, and you shift through the fucking gears, you feel it, though.

01:52:11.000 You feel the mechanics.

01:52:12.000 You engage the gear yourself.

01:52:14.000 You definitely control a lot more how long you're going to go in overdrive until you downshift.

01:52:18.000 How much speed you can get.

01:52:19.000 You can't do that with an automatic car.

01:52:21.000 You're just hoping it keeps shifting at the right time.

01:52:23.000 You have, yeah, well you can definitely, today they have these called double clutch boxes, like M3 has a double clutch box, and what that is is an automatic, but it's a standard.

01:52:34.000 Like you can set it up to shift gears, where you could rev it up as far as you want and use the paddles to shift gears, like all the Ferraris.

01:52:41.000 So you can do it yourself like a bike, like a bicycle.

01:52:45.000 Exactly.

01:52:45.000 You can rev it to as long as your heart's content, but you shift with the paddles and it's instantaneous.

01:52:54.000 The shifts are like one fraction of a section.

01:52:57.000 Many, many cars have it now.

01:52:58.000 What's it called?

01:52:59.000 It's called a double clutch gearbox.

01:53:01.000 And what it means is, it's actually a 7-speed.

01:53:04.000 The M3 has one.

01:53:06.000 And it's a 7-speed.

01:53:07.000 And what it is, is there's one gear that's inside.

01:53:11.000 You're engaged one gear.

01:53:12.000 And then the clutch will already pick up the second gear.

01:53:15.000 So as you're shifting gears, the next gear is like instantaneous.

01:53:19.000 Okay.

01:53:20.000 When it releases the first gear and picks up the second gear, it does it with no downtime.

01:53:25.000 When you're shifting in a regular car, you have to press on the accelerator.

01:53:28.000 You go to neutral when you hit the clutch, you put it in the second gear, and then you release the clutch, and now it's in second gear.

01:53:35.000 This thing, you don't.

01:53:36.000 It's first gear, second gear.

01:53:38.000 It's instantaneous.

01:53:40.000 That electric car, how long does that take to charge a battery?

01:53:43.000 Like 12 hours?

01:53:45.000 No, not nearly that long.

01:53:46.000 You can charge it overnight.

01:53:47.000 You can have an iPod program that sets it to charge during non-peak hours.

01:53:50.000 Each charge is what, 80 miles?

01:53:52.000 No, way more than that.

01:53:54.000 You've got to look at the research.

01:53:55.000 It's way better than what you think.

01:53:57.000 I'm telling you, look into the stats.

01:53:59.000 They're most about 300 right now.

01:54:01.000 Because right now you're asking me to quote yourself and I don't know what the stats are.

01:54:05.000 You guessed 80 and I don't know.

01:54:06.000 He got excited.

01:54:07.000 Notice he raised his voice.

01:54:10.000 I can hear you're trying to make points on stuff we're all just guessing.

01:54:13.000 Here's what the point was.

01:54:14.000 80 miles would be way too little.

01:54:17.000 You want to drive to Texas.

01:54:19.000 So you need seven batteries.

01:54:21.000 No, you just fill up the gas stations.

01:54:23.000 Yeah.

01:54:25.000 Listen to you laughing like anyone's driving to Texas.

01:54:29.000 Yeah.

01:54:29.000 When the fuck is the last time you drove to Texas?

01:54:31.000 You're like, oh, you need seven batteries?

01:54:33.000 They have a 20-minute quick charge.

01:54:34.000 Let's drive it to Texas.

01:54:35.000 If you want to ever take a road trip.

01:54:37.000 Okay, yeah, listen.

01:54:38.000 Oh, wait a minute.

01:54:39.000 Hold on, Ari.

01:54:40.000 This thing only gets 99 miles.

01:54:41.000 99 miles total of a leaf?

01:54:43.000 Per charge.

01:54:44.000 Yes.

01:54:45.000 So you want to go to Vegas, you got to bring three batteries?

01:54:47.000 That ain't shit.

01:54:48.000 Or you just have to stop at 99 miles.

01:54:50.000 And then charge for six hours?

01:54:52.000 How long did that take to charge a battery?

01:54:53.000 Here's what I like, that you got happy that it wasn't as good as 300 miles.

01:54:56.000 No, because...

01:54:57.000 Because you had made the point earlier, so now you're glad that it's not 300 miles.

01:55:00.000 No, I'm just saying that if you're going to get a car, for the most part, get a mix.

01:55:04.000 You don't want all batteries, is what I'm saying.

01:55:06.000 If I could get 300 miles, I would want a battery.

01:55:09.000 If I get to go 300 miles, then I charge?

01:55:10.000 Actually, this is up to 100 miles, which means you're probably going to get like 60. That's way too low.

01:55:14.000 How much is a Volt?

01:55:15.000 That doesn't seem like it should be out in the market yet.

01:55:17.000 Yeah.

01:55:17.000 Exactly.

01:55:18.000 Well, you know what?

01:55:19.000 The EPA has rated the Nissan Leaf a driving range of 73 miles.

01:55:24.000 Per charge?

01:55:25.000 Range will vary with driving habits, conditions, weather, and battery age.

01:55:29.000 But 73 miles?

01:55:30.000 No, that's not really useful.

01:55:31.000 That's whack.

01:55:32.000 And it's ugly as fuck.

01:55:34.000 Dude, I'm going to take you to the Ford website and show you the GT500. You know what I do want to get?

01:55:39.000 Take some of that fucking commercial model.

01:55:42.000 What cars?

01:55:42.000 The little baby micro smart cars.

01:55:45.000 Just for driving to the store.

01:55:47.000 Yeah, easy to park.

01:55:48.000 Totally easy to park.

01:55:49.000 Smart cars.

01:55:50.000 They're not as bad as you think, safety-wise.

01:55:52.000 Yeah.

01:55:52.000 No fun.

01:55:53.000 You don't feel the growl of the V8. Well, I mean, just a tour of small tasks.

01:55:56.000 You can get out of your car and get into that store.

01:56:00.000 You don't like that?

01:56:01.000 That doesn't give you a thrill?

01:56:02.000 That's when I'm getting on an open highway.

01:56:04.000 How old are you?

01:56:05.000 37. You're going to like it in about five years.

01:56:07.000 Like what?

01:56:08.000 Open highway is cool.

01:56:09.000 You know what's great though?

01:56:11.000 Windy roads.

01:56:12.000 That's when it's great to have a fun car.

01:56:13.000 I get too scared now.

01:56:14.000 You don't even have to drive fast.

01:56:15.000 You don't have to drive fast.

01:56:16.000 Just the feeling of, you know, just a little bit of a windiness in the road.

01:56:20.000 It makes you, you're controlling the car.

01:56:21.000 You feel the tightness of the suspension.

01:56:24.000 Okay, the Nissan Volt.

01:56:25.000 Jesus Christ.

01:56:26.000 50 miles.

01:56:28.000 50 miles?

01:56:28.000 50 miles on its fucking battery.

01:56:30.000 Oh, that's ridiculous.

01:56:31.000 You can't even get to work.

01:56:32.000 The all-electric range, the EPA, oh my god.

01:56:35.000 The all-electric range, according to the EPA, is 35 miles.

01:56:40.000 Yeah, you get stuck on traffic on the 405. The total range is 379 miles.

01:56:47.000 So that means if you fill up a gas, your fuel economy is through the roof.

01:56:52.000 It's 93 miles per gallon.

01:56:54.000 That's incredible.

01:56:56.000 So, that's if you go in...

01:57:00.000 Half and half.

01:57:01.000 Yeah, 37 miles an hour.

01:57:04.000 Do they have the recharge thing, like the Prius says?

01:57:08.000 Where the brakes recharge it?

01:57:10.000 Okay, this is what it is.

01:57:11.000 It's 93 miles per gallon in all-electric mode.

01:57:15.000 I don't understand that.

01:57:16.000 And 37 miles per gallon in gasoline-only mode.

01:57:20.000 So, I guess you have the...

01:57:23.000 You have the option.

01:57:24.000 So, a combined gas and electric fuel economy rating of 60 miles per gallon.

01:57:29.000 Pretty fucking good, man.

01:57:31.000 15?

01:57:32.000 My car gets 15. And that's what it's rated at, so it probably gets 10. My car gets like 27 or something.

01:57:37.000 I need to switch my car, but I want an SUV, and I don't want...

01:57:40.000 I think they have the Ford Edge.

01:57:41.000 Why do you like an SUV so much?

01:57:42.000 This is kind of interesting, though, the Chevy Volt.

01:57:44.000 What it does is it operates on pure battery power until its battery capacity is depleted, at which point it fires up the engine.

01:57:55.000 So then the gasoline engine powers an electric generator to extend the vehicle's range.

01:58:01.000 So that's how it operates.

01:58:02.000 It mostly operates on electricity, as long as you have enough power in there.

01:58:06.000 Oh, that's why it wasn't the same as a Prius.

01:58:08.000 Yeah.

01:58:08.000 I was like, how is it different if it's half and half?

01:58:10.000 It's not quite half and half.

01:58:11.000 It definitely seems like a better move than the Volt because at least you can get gas.

01:58:16.000 You're talking about the Volt?

01:58:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:58:17.000 The Volt is better than the Leaf because the hybrid seems to be the way to go.

01:58:22.000 Yeah, if you're 76 miles, unless you're just driving five miles back and forth to work, that's not realistic at all.

01:58:28.000 Any road trip, you're fucked.

01:58:29.000 I always, yeah, I always think, what if I had to go on a road trip?

01:58:31.000 And I know you said that.

01:58:32.000 They did say there was some sort of 70% charge you can get in 20 minutes.

01:58:34.000 Really?

01:58:35.000 Yeah, like a quick charge on, I don't know, one of them.

01:58:38.000 But the problem is you don't want to stop and have to do that in 60 miles.

01:58:43.000 That's weak.

01:58:44.000 But this thing sounds better.

01:58:46.000 This thing can go 370 miles, and this is like a normal car.

01:58:49.000 You just go and you get gas, and it can keep going.

01:58:51.000 And that one you keep shifting.

01:58:53.000 Yeah.

01:58:54.000 They just have weak-ass engines. 1.00

01:58:55.000 They sound like shit.

01:58:56.000 I know that these are for transportation, but we're going to miss.

01:59:00.000 There's something we're already missing in the transition between the gasoline-powered cars, like you get in an old Mustang, you smell Yeah, we miss the smog.

01:59:09.000 We definitely do.

01:59:10.000 But we also miss the analog connection between the person and the vehicle.

01:59:13.000 There's a fun connection between cars.

01:59:16.000 My aunt got some nice car once, like a Lexus or an Infiniti or something, and it had a...

01:59:23.000 Analog clock on it.

01:59:24.000 And I was like, why do you have that?

01:59:26.000 She goes, because it's classier.

01:59:27.000 She was so excited to have this thing.

01:59:29.000 And I was like, it's harder to read.

01:59:30.000 Why is that classier?

01:59:32.000 Why don't you get a stick shift then?

01:59:33.000 What are you talking about?

01:59:34.000 She writes in cursive too.

01:59:35.000 It's like, well, it's not easy to read clock.

01:59:38.000 They do that with Lexuses. 0.64

01:59:39.000 Yeah, maybe it was a Lexus.

01:59:41.000 And I'm like, it's just hard.

01:59:42.000 You're looking for a split second to see what time it is.

01:59:43.000 You're not supposed to figure out where the big hand is.

01:59:46.000 Isn't it funny that digital watches never really caught on?

01:59:49.000 No.

01:59:50.000 Especially if you want to be classy.

01:59:51.000 Get yourself a Rolex.

01:59:53.000 Get yourself a nice Cartier.

01:59:57.000 Yeah, not digital.

01:59:57.000 Why?

01:59:57.000 It's so much easier to read.

01:59:58.000 I know.

01:59:59.000 More exact.

01:59:59.000 You don't have to wind it.

02:00:01.000 What is it?

02:00:01.000 What is it about that?

02:00:03.000 It's all aesthetic.

02:00:04.000 It's got to be all aesthetic.

02:00:05.000 They used to make Corvettes with digital speedometers, and it was so weak.

02:00:10.000 Oh, really?

02:00:10.000 You'd hear the growl of the engine.

02:00:12.000 You'd hit the gas.

02:00:13.000 You'd put the fucking foot in gear.

02:00:15.000 You'd put the clutch in and gate.

02:00:17.000 You'd see the digital numbers.

02:00:19.000 Like, what kind of stupidity is this?

02:00:22.000 There's something about it.

02:00:23.000 You want to see a needle move.

02:00:25.000 What?

02:00:26.000 You want to see it.

02:00:27.000 You don't want to just...

02:00:28.000 Did they have a remake of the Cuda?

02:00:30.000 Because I swear to God I saw a brand new Cuda the other day.

02:00:33.000 Or Barracuda.

02:00:34.000 Yeah, the Challenger.

02:00:35.000 That's what it is.

02:00:37.000 Challenger and Barracudas shared a lot of the same body shape.

02:00:42.000 And a lot of the same panels.

02:00:44.000 Is that the Challenger one with the Hemi engine?

02:00:45.000 Well, you know, there's some with Emmys, some with not.

02:00:47.000 How are those cards?

02:00:48.000 They look awesome.

02:00:49.000 Chris has one.

02:00:50.000 Aubrey, excuse me.

02:00:52.000 Aubrey.

02:00:52.000 Did you know that Aubrey, I'm going to tell you this before I forget, he runs a Nails website.

02:00:57.000 Oh, I found out about this.

02:00:59.000 Yeah, my girlfriend told me about this.

02:01:00.000 Alpha Nails? 1.00

02:01:01.000 Yeah.

02:01:02.000 The same dude that sells Alpha Brain, which is legit.

02:01:05.000 And you made fun of guys wearing nails on that podcast, I believe, at one point.

02:01:10.000 And I looked over and I'm like, he's wearing these.

02:01:12.000 I did?

02:01:13.000 Yeah, he said something.

02:01:15.000 I think I made fun of dudes getting pedicures.

02:01:17.000 Yeah, but I think, or you were like, or those people that get nail polish.

02:01:20.000 No.

02:01:20.000 And I'm like, I look over...

02:01:22.000 I've never done that.

02:01:22.000 I don't think I've ever made fun of that.

02:01:23.000 Really?

02:01:23.000 Are you sure?

02:01:23.000 Yeah.

02:01:24.000 No.

02:01:24.000 I've made fun of guys getting pedicures.

02:01:26.000 I've made fun of guys, like...

02:01:28.000 I did it once.

02:01:28.000 And manicures.

02:01:29.000 I'm sure.

02:01:30.000 I did it once for a sketch.

02:01:31.000 I do it all the time.

02:01:31.000 For manicures.

02:01:32.000 You know, it's just like guys who get, like, a clear gloss over their fingernails.

02:01:36.000 Like, that's...

02:01:37.000 You're just trying to look pretty.

02:01:39.000 You know, Tate used to do his nails.

02:01:40.000 You know, he's always painting his nails.

02:01:41.000 A lot of MMA guys paint their nails.

02:01:43.000 I used to paint my nails in college and a little bit afterwards.

02:01:45.000 Well, this guy runs a website.

02:01:47.000 Yeah, it's...

02:01:48.000 I forget what it's called, but it's...

02:01:49.000 Alpha Nails. 1.00

02:01:50.000 Yeah, Alpha Nails. 0.99

02:01:51.000 Because he's got Alpha Brain and Alpha Nails.

02:01:53.000 And it's got, like, people that do it, like Dave Navarro says, I love to put a little paint on before going out and sucking some dick.

02:02:01.000 Dave Navarro was on Howard Stern the other day and I was listening.

02:02:03.000 It was fucking really compelling.

02:02:04.000 Especially one part where they said that, you know, America's Most Wanted, they found his mom's murderer.

02:02:09.000 Whose mom's?

02:02:09.000 Dave Navarro's mom?

02:02:10.000 Someone murdered Dave Navarro's mom and found the guy on America's Most Wanted.

02:02:14.000 Whoa.

02:02:14.000 And that show got canceled.

02:02:15.000 Yeah.

02:02:16.000 You know, America's Most Wanted, man.

02:02:17.000 They were talking about how many people have been caught because of America's Most Wanted.

02:02:21.000 It's a lot of fucking.

02:02:22.000 Really?

02:02:23.000 Directly because of that, or a lot of people they showed got caught?

02:02:25.000 Got caught directly because of that show.

02:02:27.000 Wow, that's amazing.

02:02:27.000 Well, if you think about that show, man...

02:02:29.000 That does more good than the Kardashians.

02:02:31.000 How many people are watching it?

02:02:31.000 Millions.

02:02:32.000 Millions of people are watching it, and then that person is a fucking target now.

02:02:36.000 He's like, fuck, turn this off!

02:02:37.000 Everybody turn it off!

02:02:38.000 People are stans, man.

02:02:40.000 People, you know, you're working at a gas station, this guy pulls in, yeah, like, get changed for 20, like, you motherfucker! 0.96

02:02:45.000 And you make a phone call, and next thing you have...

02:02:48.000 Damn.

02:02:49.000 Good luck.

02:02:49.000 You can't go Bonnie and Clyde today, man.

02:02:51.000 It's too hard.

02:02:52.000 Yeah.

02:02:53.000 Did you hear about those kids in Florida that tried them?

02:02:55.000 Tried to do a Bonnie and Clyde?

02:02:56.000 The stripper and her two brothers wanted a fucking shooting spree and robbing banks with automatic weapons and shit. 1.00

02:03:01.000 They started out in Florida and they just got caught in Colorado in a shootout.

02:03:06.000 Really?

02:03:06.000 The broad got hit in the leg with a bullet.

02:03:08.000 Yeah, they were shooting at the cops.

02:03:10.000 They didn't kill them, though.

02:03:11.000 That's another fake car.

02:03:12.000 That's another warm country.

02:03:13.000 Warm area.

02:03:15.000 Florida?

02:03:16.000 Yeah.

02:03:16.000 It's another warm area?

02:03:17.000 Yeah.

02:03:17.000 But they have storms, dude.

02:03:19.000 Oh, yeah.

02:03:19.000 Florida has storms.

02:03:20.000 You have to deal with that from bank robbers.

02:03:21.000 You have to deal with Florida.

02:03:23.000 Florida is the land of the lost.

02:03:25.000 We've said it a bunch of times, but it's true. 0.93

02:03:27.000 That is the most vacant city, or the most vacant state, the most...

02:03:33.000 There's something mentally.

02:03:35.000 Mentally, emotionally.

02:03:37.000 They're detached.

02:03:38.000 They're fucked up.

02:03:39.000 It's a weird...

02:03:40.000 I like going there.

02:03:40.000 It's a lot of fun.

02:03:41.000 Don't get me wrong.

02:03:42.000 There's a lot of cool people there.

02:03:43.000 My fucking parents live there.

02:03:45.000 It's not that everyone there is shitty.

02:03:47.000 But there's so much...

02:03:48.000 So many people moved to Florida to escape and to hide.

02:03:52.000 So many New York gangsters went down to Florida to lay low.

02:03:55.000 It's like New York with good weather.

02:03:57.000 It's way worse.

02:03:59.000 Mafia style.

02:04:00.000 It's way worse.

02:04:01.000 It's more like...

02:04:02.000 I would say it's like the worst parts of Jersey.

02:04:06.000 There's some rural parts of Florida.

02:04:09.000 Yeah, like Jacksonville area or in between Jacksonville and Tampa or something.

02:04:12.000 Swampland, dog.

02:04:14.000 That's where we're going to put our compound on.

02:04:15.000 People who live there have real spells.

02:04:17.000 That's where we're going to put our compound on.

02:04:18.000 Oh, really?

02:04:18.000 Yeah, we're going to make it all out of cement and steel so that no hurricanes can take it down.

02:04:24.000 Like the evil Justice League.

02:04:28.000 Did they have all that?

02:04:29.000 Yeah, they had an evil Justice League that was in some swampland.

02:04:31.000 Really?

02:04:31.000 Yeah, Justice League of America.

02:04:32.000 Because if you wanted to be evil, you'd go to a swamp, right?

02:04:34.000 Yeah, no one could see them.

02:04:35.000 It was like the Mix-a-Plex, the anti-Superman, I think. 1.00

02:04:40.000 It's tough to remember everything.

02:04:42.000 I was watching this documentary on the Congo, and people actually tried to move to the Congo, like wealthy Europeans.

02:04:47.000 Why?

02:04:47.000 Well, because there's an immense amount of resources in the Congo.

02:04:50.000 The Congo has diamonds and gold and minerals.

02:04:54.000 There's a lot of money to be made in the Congo.

02:04:57.000 And that's why there's so much civil war there going on right now.

02:04:59.000 So many people are getting murdered in the Congo because they're trying to rob all the shit out of that region. 1.00

02:05:04.000 That's why all these women are getting raped. 1.00

02:05:06.000 The Congo is a terrible, terrible place.

02:05:08.000 That's a great excuse for raping. 1.00

02:05:10.000 What are you doing raping because of the gold?

02:05:12.000 They want to take over villages.

02:05:14.000 They rape all the women. 1.00

02:05:15.000 They demoralize the men.

02:05:18.000 They shoot the young men and rape the women. 0.80

02:05:22.000 But these wealthy Europeans, at the turn of the century, tried to build mansions there.

02:05:29.000 They have these beautiful mansions in the Congo, completely abandoned.

02:05:32.000 It's overrun with jungle and monsters and fucking spiders that act in packs and big cats and chimpanzees.

02:05:41.000 I mean, you can't fucking just build a house there, dude, and play polo in your backyard because you got some money.

02:05:47.000 Like, a lot of really wealthy people are like, this is an amazing place.

02:05:50.000 We're going to build a home here.

02:05:51.000 And this is back when people didn't even have, you know, they didn't even have, like, powerful boats, you know?

02:05:56.000 They didn't have planes.

02:05:57.000 They didn't have cars.

02:05:58.000 But they're moving fucking...

02:06:01.000 Big boards and all this construction equipment in there, and they're trying to build houses in the Congo.

02:06:06.000 Wow.

02:06:07.000 Good luck.

02:06:08.000 That's just like building in a swamp.

02:06:10.000 I know how that is.

02:06:10.000 It's the same thing.

02:06:11.000 Look at these body kits for these electric cars.

02:06:13.000 If you search Google for body kits, they have little Lambos, little Porsches.

02:06:20.000 Look at that.

02:06:21.000 Wait, are those like mini cars?

02:06:22.000 Yeah, these are like little Corvettes.

02:06:25.000 Wait, these fit in your hand?

02:06:26.000 No, no, no, these are your drive.

02:06:27.000 Scroll up, scroll up, scroll up a little bit.

02:06:29.000 Look at that.

02:06:29.000 Scroll up a little.

02:06:30.000 Oh, so you put like a different body?

02:06:31.000 That middle one, that Corvette GT. Yeah.

02:06:33.000 That is, I mean, the Carrera GT, the Porsche, that is nasty.

02:06:37.000 And that's like a smart car?

02:06:38.000 Yeah.

02:06:39.000 Yeah, it's just like body kits you can buy for those smart cars.

02:06:41.000 How much are they?

02:06:42.000 I don't know.

02:06:43.000 That must be a lot of money, dude.

02:06:43.000 Those look pretty fancy-schmancy.

02:06:45.000 Yeah, that's pretty sweet.

02:06:46.000 But those batteries for that Leaf thing you were talking about, $10,000 a battery.

02:06:52.000 $10,000 a battery.

02:06:53.000 And they take eight hours to charge.

02:06:55.000 Eight hours.

02:06:55.000 Whoa.

02:06:56.000 Yeah, they'd have to get a little better than that.

02:06:57.000 Dude, those little smart car fake Ferraris are the shit.

02:07:00.000 That's what I'm talking about.

02:07:01.000 Can you imagine us all driving around with these things?

02:07:03.000 Yeah, it's $10,000, but you get $5,000 back from the government immediately.

02:07:06.000 You get $5,000 back from the government immediately.

02:07:09.000 So it's $5,000 for a battery.

02:07:11.000 No, for the charging kit.

02:07:12.000 Those are fucking badass.

02:07:15.000 Yeah, those are cool.

02:07:16.000 I like the truck.

02:07:17.000 I like the SUV. The gold one.

02:07:18.000 Go to the gold one.

02:07:19.000 Yeah, I like that.

02:07:20.000 Why doesn't someone make a real one like that?

02:07:23.000 Like, make it fast.

02:07:24.000 Yeah, right.

02:07:24.000 Give it some power.

02:07:25.000 That looks like a micro-machine.

02:07:26.000 That's exactly what they look like.

02:07:28.000 Oh, really?

02:07:28.000 Yeah.

02:07:29.000 Someday they'll be laughing at all this.

02:07:31.000 You had to actually go somewhere.

02:07:33.000 In a car.

02:07:34.000 You couldn't just beam up.

02:07:35.000 Yeah.

02:07:35.000 Idiot.

02:07:36.000 Old man.

02:07:37.000 Yeah.

02:07:37.000 Go to the back.

02:07:38.000 Yeah.

02:07:38.000 People will have, on their body, they'll have some ability to fly through the air and manipulate the matter around them to fly around.

02:07:48.000 That's definitely going to happen someday.

02:07:50.000 They're going to be laughing at stupid people in their cars.

02:07:54.000 Hitting the brakes.

02:07:55.000 They rely on traction to slow down.

02:07:58.000 What if the rubber popped?

02:07:59.000 I know!

02:07:59.000 They were getting into accidents.

02:08:00.000 Oh, all the time.

02:08:01.000 They did blowouts.

02:08:02.000 They were idiots.

02:08:04.000 Look at people on horses.

02:08:05.000 What if the horse's legs broke?

02:08:06.000 You had to shoot it.

02:08:07.000 No way!

02:08:08.000 Your car?

02:08:08.000 No way!

02:08:09.000 That's crazy.

02:08:10.000 What if the car dies?

02:08:11.000 You just get rid of it.

02:08:12.000 What?

02:08:13.000 Just get rid of it?

02:08:14.000 They just got rid of their cars?

02:08:15.000 Like, someday there'll be no need to recycle.

02:08:18.000 Because we won't ever, you know, we won't ever look at resources that way.

02:08:22.000 We'll be in harmony with nature.

02:08:26.000 Maybe.

02:08:27.000 Maybe, I don't think.

02:08:28.000 Maybe not.

02:08:29.000 Maybe we're just fucking pigs.

02:08:31.000 Yeah.

02:08:31.000 Gluttons.

02:08:32.000 Maybe we are here to eat the sandwich.

02:08:33.000 Destroy the world.

02:08:34.000 Yeah, maybe.

02:08:35.000 Eat the sandwich.

02:08:37.000 Well, it was my thing in the beginning of my Showtime special.

02:08:40.000 I said that I look at people like mold on a sandwich.

02:08:42.000 You look at mold on a sandwich, you don't see individual mold sports with individual personalities.

02:08:47.000 If you were an alien life form, completely alien to Earth, and you saw human beings, you would go, there's a growth.

02:08:52.000 This is a growth.

02:08:53.000 You look at cities, and you fly into Los Angeles.

02:08:56.000 You look at the nature.

02:08:57.000 You look at the ocean, the mountains.

02:08:59.000 It's all beautiful and natural.

02:09:00.000 And then you see cities.

02:09:01.000 It really does look like something's growing there.

02:09:04.000 And I said, well, maybe that's what we're here for.

02:09:06.000 Maybe we are just like mold on a sandwich.

02:09:08.000 Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich.

02:09:12.000 Maybe that's it.

02:09:14.000 Maybe we're here to fuck things up.

02:09:16.000 Probably not.

02:09:17.000 Maybe we don't have a fucking purpose.

02:09:18.000 We don't just exist.

02:09:20.000 Build the robots to kill us. 0.59

02:09:21.000 It seems to be the process of complexity.

02:09:25.000 We're a part of the process of complexity.

02:09:27.000 If there is a purpose or a need or a direction that everything's going in, it's going in that way.

02:09:32.000 Everything's getting more and more complex.

02:09:34.000 It seems to be inevitable.

02:09:35.000 It seems to be an ethic.

02:09:36.000 It seems to be just the way things work.

02:09:38.000 Wow.

02:09:39.000 Don't you think about it?

02:09:40.000 Of what?

02:09:41.000 Complexity.

02:09:42.000 Everything.

02:09:42.000 Everything is moving in a direction of complexity.

02:09:45.000 It's all moving.

02:09:46.000 Yeah, it's getting a lot more advanced really fast.

02:09:49.000 The whole universe is.

02:09:52.000 The universe starts out with a small, tiny spot, smaller than the head of a pin, blows up, expands, multicellular life forms.

02:10:00.000 That becomes intelligent, sent in, able to change its environment.

02:10:03.000 Then it starts changing at a rapid pace.

02:10:05.000 It all seems to be a direction and an ethic.

02:10:08.000 So what do you think?

02:10:09.000 What do you got to do differently?

02:10:10.000 Can't do anything differently.

02:10:11.000 I think we're trying to pretend that we have it solved.

02:10:14.000 And we're trying to pretend like, oh, as people, we need to get together.

02:10:18.000 It would be nice if we were cool to each other.

02:10:20.000 That would be nice.

02:10:21.000 It would be nice if we could all enjoy our time here and not be cunts.

02:10:25.000 That would be nice.

02:10:27.000 But that's all dictated by resources.

02:10:29.000 Way before the West Coast.

02:10:30.000 Even when it's not nice, like San Francisco, still people are cooler to each other.

02:10:34.000 Yeah.

02:10:34.000 Well, it's because they moved away from the East Coast.

02:10:36.000 Everybody initially landed on the East Coast.

02:10:39.000 And the ones who couldn't take it anymore said, fuck this, I'm going West.

02:10:42.000 And they kept going.

02:10:43.000 I think the one thing that we can do, everybody says, people need to figure out a way to work this out.

02:10:49.000 We need to work together to change the way.

02:10:52.000 I don't know if that's going to...

02:10:53.000 I have a feeling that what we're doing is natural.

02:10:56.000 I have a feeling war, corruption, the depletion of resources.

02:11:01.000 It seems to me that every other animal that does fucked up things, whether it's hyenas kidnapping dogs, have you ever seen that?

02:11:08.000 Yeah, have you seen that?

02:11:09.000 Not hyenas, baboons kidnapping puppies.

02:11:12.000 They raise puppies.

02:11:13.000 They have feral puppies.

02:11:14.000 They become dogs.

02:11:15.000 They stay with them their whole life.

02:11:16.000 And they guard their camps.

02:11:18.000 So the baboons sleep at night and the dogs bark.

02:11:20.000 It's intense.

02:11:21.000 It's complicated though.

02:11:23.000 But people look at it and they don't go, oh my god, what is this?

02:11:27.000 They go, oh, this is natural.

02:11:28.000 The baboons have figured out that if they kidnap these puppies, they can get these puppies to guard the camp.

02:11:33.000 So you think it's natural then for humans to war with each other?

02:11:35.000 Yes, 100%.

02:11:36.000 It's happened forever.

02:11:37.000 Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's good for us.

02:11:39.000 No, it doesn't mean it's good for us, but it sort of means that it's going to...

02:11:42.000 See, but you say good for us, you're talking about you.

02:11:45.000 You're talking about you.

02:11:46.000 It is definitely good for those people that are getting money out of the war.

02:11:50.000 You say it's not, but for those Dick Cheney characters that are getting billions of dollars while little brown people get bombed on, it is good for them. 1.00

02:11:57.000 They profit for us.

02:11:59.000 So, it is natural for someone who is unscrupulous to pursue those paths because there's money to be made from it.

02:12:06.000 And I think that, you know, it's frowned upon for a bunch of reasons because we're all in this together and we all think that people shouldn't be treating each other like that.

02:12:17.000 I completely agree, but I think it's natural.

02:12:20.000 Starfish?

02:12:21.000 How's that work?

02:12:22.000 You ever hear that thing where it's like the guy picked up a starfish, it was on the beach, threw it back in the ocean?

02:12:27.000 Yeah?

02:12:27.000 He was on this beat, and then this friend was like, there's thousands of starfish on this beach.

02:12:31.000 Like, you can't possibly help to save them all.

02:12:32.000 Like, what difference are you making?

02:12:34.000 Right.

02:12:34.000 And he goes, well, it matters to that one starfish.

02:12:37.000 So I'm more like on a smaller level.

02:12:39.000 Individual, smaller level.

02:12:40.000 Let somebody into traffic.

02:12:41.000 Yes.

02:12:42.000 Well, look, anything you do...

02:12:44.000 It's really easy to make a difference.

02:12:45.000 Anything you do that makes the world better, whether it's telling jokes to make people laugh, making a song that people like, just saying hi to someone at the grocery store, and it gives them a nice, warm smile...

02:12:54.000 Anything you do that's positive is good.

02:12:56.000 Anything you do that helps people is good.

02:12:58.000 Anything you do that makes this experience better.

02:13:00.000 But ultimately, it's all temporary.

02:13:02.000 The entire experience of life on this planet for everyone, including your future children, it's all completely temporary.

02:13:09.000 Just enjoy it.

02:13:10.000 Yeah.

02:13:10.000 You've got to enjoy it.

02:13:13.000 The direction that it's going, if you were looking at this direction, if you were looking at human behavior, if you were looking at any other animal that was behaving like this, you would assume that it's natural.

02:13:23.000 When bees make beehives, you assume it's natural.

02:13:26.000 This is what they do.

02:13:27.000 When ants make some giant, complicated ant farms, they make incredible ant hills, man.

02:13:31.000 Monstrous, giant constructions.

02:13:33.000 We just assume that it's all natural.

02:13:35.000 When human beings act We should probably assume that it's natural.

02:13:46.000 We should probably assume that this is what this species does.

02:13:51.000 We just are so cocky we think that we can avoid our nature.

02:13:54.000 We're so cocky we think that we can manipulate our nature.

02:13:57.000 And maybe we can.

02:13:57.000 We can.

02:13:58.000 That's why I put laws out.

02:14:00.000 Sort of.

02:14:01.000 It just kind of slows it down.

02:14:03.000 It stops it from being completely chaotic.

02:14:07.000 Most of the laws are set up so people can have more fun and enjoy more time here and have more pleasure and less pain.

02:14:14.000 Less pain, more pleasure.

02:14:17.000 Make this transient moment better.

02:14:20.000 Feel better for the people that are participating in it.

02:14:22.000 But when you get past that, man, what is it?

02:14:24.000 What the fuck is all this?

02:14:26.000 How come war never ends?

02:14:27.000 How come we're always coming up with new reasons for it?

02:14:29.000 How about corporate corruption never ends?

02:14:31.000 2011, this $16 trillion bailout thing that we're hearing about.

02:14:36.000 How come there's so much money missing in Iraq and Afghanistan?

02:14:41.000 There's billions of dollars in cash went over there.

02:14:43.000 I don't know where the fuck it is.

02:14:45.000 But yet...

02:14:46.000 War rolls on despite all protests.

02:14:48.000 Corruption rolls on despite all protests.

02:14:51.000 A lot of people agree with it.

02:14:53.000 Yeah.

02:14:53.000 They what?

02:14:54.000 Not the corruption, but with war.

02:14:55.000 A lot of people agree with it.

02:14:56.000 Just because they're ignorant.

02:14:58.000 They don't understand.

02:14:59.000 I mean, go read War Was a Racket by General Smedley Butler in 1933, this fucking guy.

02:15:04.000 Major General in the Marines wrote this fucking incredible book, an incredible paper about war, about how all his career he thought that he was protecting people and trying to promote freedom, and really he was just making things safe for bankers, making things safe for oil companies.

02:15:24.000 It's all about money, and that's why he wrote war as a racket.

02:15:27.000 You know, the idea of a racket being something that's corrupt and set up.

02:15:30.000 Yeah, you only need an army, really, because other people have armies.

02:15:33.000 Yeah.

02:15:34.000 Exactly.

02:15:34.000 Otherwise there's really no reason for it at all.

02:15:39.000 What a fucking bummer.

02:15:40.000 What a stupid way to end the podcast.

02:15:43.000 So on a positive note, dude, you're fucking touring all over the country now, man.

02:15:48.000 You've completely, over the last year and a half, you've completely broken through.

02:15:53.000 Yeah.

02:15:54.000 I feel like more of a draw.

02:15:57.000 I don't think they're happening.

02:15:58.000 You're a real comic now.

02:15:59.000 Yeah.

02:16:00.000 How much of that is your podcast?

02:16:01.000 A lot.

02:16:02.000 A lot.

02:16:02.000 That's only been for four or five months.

02:16:04.000 But that four or five months made a big difference.

02:16:06.000 This podcast too.

02:16:07.000 Yeah.

02:16:07.000 Helps a shit ton.

02:16:09.000 And then I feel like my comedy's gotten better.

02:16:11.000 It's hitting sort of a new level.

02:16:12.000 The down and dirty on Jim Norton and all the internet exposure.

02:16:15.000 You've got a lot of internet exposure.

02:16:17.000 Yeah.

02:16:18.000 Well, this podcast is just like being on, you know, a radio station.

02:16:21.000 It's like being on a giant radio station.

02:16:22.000 It's like every time I go on stage now somewhere, there's people, like workout sets that I don't promote at all.

02:16:27.000 Just, you know, comedy sort of, and then it's like you hear people clapping extra hard.

02:16:30.000 It's nice.

02:16:31.000 It's really nice.

02:16:32.000 Yeah.

02:16:32.000 It's crazy.

02:16:33.000 You always needed something.

02:16:34.000 You always needed that.

02:16:35.000 We always thought that it would be something like Comedy Central.

02:16:38.000 Something mainstream.

02:16:39.000 You know, Robbie from Just for Laughs told me this like two years ago when I went.

02:16:42.000 He was like, you ain't going to do a special, man.

02:16:44.000 That's just not going to be your path.

02:16:45.000 Look at your comedy.

02:16:46.000 Really?

02:16:46.000 You think Comedy Central?

02:16:47.000 I mean, think about it.

02:16:49.000 Dude, Comedy Central put my special on.

02:16:50.000 I know.

02:16:50.000 That's kind of ridiculous.

02:16:51.000 But he was like, it's just not going to be your path.

02:16:54.000 They're not going to book you.

02:16:55.000 So find another way.

02:16:57.000 I don't know.

02:16:58.000 Maybe it's internet stuff.

02:16:58.000 I have no idea.

02:16:59.000 It is.

02:17:00.000 That's what did it.

02:17:01.000 And Marin, definitely.

02:17:02.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:17:04.000 It's selling out because of it.

02:17:05.000 Who knows?

02:17:07.000 It's a totally new ballgame, man.

02:17:09.000 And it's a much more intimate relationship with the people that are listening.

02:17:13.000 First of all, because it kind of goes right into their ears.

02:17:15.000 They're wearing earbuds and shit, a lot of them.

02:17:17.000 Or they're in their car alone.

02:17:19.000 And it's like you're sitting with them in traffic or you're sitting with them while they work.

02:17:22.000 Sorry about traffic.

02:17:24.000 Yeah, sorry.

02:17:25.000 Maybe you're waiting to use the treadmill and someone's talking.

02:17:29.000 Just give up.

02:17:29.000 Just standing on the treadmill talking to the fat girl next to him.

02:17:32.000 Get the fucking treadmill.

02:17:34.000 But the connection's different.

02:17:37.000 It's different than...

02:17:38.000 There's never been a time like this, man.

02:17:39.000 Tons of people in Canada get on to me from the podcast.

02:17:41.000 Fuck yeah.

02:17:42.000 Tons of people.

02:17:42.000 They are more than anybody.

02:17:43.000 We're number one in Canada all the time.

02:17:45.000 We're number one on iTunes of all podcasts.

02:17:47.000 We've been on it a bunch of times.

02:17:49.000 I met that guy at Breslin.

02:17:50.000 You ever met him?

02:17:51.000 The Yuck Yucks guy?

02:17:52.000 Yes.

02:17:52.000 I met him when I went.

02:17:53.000 He's kind of cool.

02:17:54.000 He used to be a comic.

02:17:55.000 Yeah.

02:17:56.000 Yuck Yucks is a good chain.

02:17:57.000 But I think they keep comics from doing other chains.

02:18:00.000 Yeah, they do.

02:18:01.000 And it's annoying as shit.

02:18:01.000 I just don't play that.

02:18:02.000 That's weak.

02:18:03.000 Well, you don't have to.

02:18:04.000 But that's weak.

02:18:05.000 Yuck Yucks in Vancouver isn't Yuck Yucks anymore.

02:18:07.000 I think that one's done.

02:18:08.000 I think there's no Yuck Yucks there.

02:18:09.000 I just did it, though.

02:18:10.000 It's another club.

02:18:11.000 I forget the name of it.

02:18:12.000 Absolute?

02:18:13.000 I don't remember.

02:18:14.000 You guys are going to be mad.

02:18:15.000 Because he was a nice guy and I hung out with him.

02:18:17.000 Absolute's where the Young Cucks used to be. 0.58

02:18:18.000 I think it's called Absolute Comedy, but I might be wrong.

02:18:20.000 Is that what it is?

02:18:21.000 I don't think that's the name.

02:18:21.000 No, that's the name of the other place in Toronto.

02:18:23.000 I don't know.

02:18:23.000 It's in Vancouver, but it's the same place.

02:18:26.000 It's still that tight little...

02:18:28.000 It's like two blocks off the main street.

02:18:30.000 Yeah.

02:18:30.000 Whoever knows it, just send it to me on Twitter and I'll say it because I feel bad.

02:18:34.000 But we did it when I was down there.

02:18:37.000 We did the club and then we went over and did Yuck Yucks the next day.

02:18:42.000 We did it after the UFC. It's fun, man.

02:18:44.000 It's great.

02:18:45.000 Yeah, it's fun to go to work out in somewhere.

02:18:46.000 Or I did it after the weigh-ins.

02:18:48.000 I did it Friday night.

02:18:48.000 Yeah, it's great.

02:18:49.000 And Canada is just one of the best places to fucking perform ever.

02:18:53.000 So good.

02:18:53.000 They're sort of smart audiences.

02:18:55.000 Yeah.

02:18:55.000 Like they understand what comedy is where you're supposed to be quiet and listen and laugh like crazy and then be quiet again and listen.

02:19:01.000 Yeah, America.

02:19:02.000 They just understand.

02:19:03.000 I don't know, it's weird.

02:19:04.000 Maybe some of that's for festival stuff too, but it's just like...

02:19:07.000 It's not bad.

02:19:08.000 All those other gigs we did.

02:19:09.000 Yeah, they're always well behaved.

02:19:10.000 Especially if you get some animals that come to your shows.

02:19:12.000 Yeah, savages.

02:19:13.000 But they don't really...

02:19:14.000 They're different types of animals in Canada.

02:19:16.000 They're like smart comedy audience animals.

02:19:18.000 Yeah.

02:19:19.000 And so you're doing a lot of just for laugh shit.

02:19:22.000 You just did the Montreal Comedy Festival, right?

02:19:24.000 Yeah.

02:19:24.000 What did you do up there?

02:19:25.000 You did your storyteller shit up there, too.

02:19:27.000 That's another thing you've gotten really good at.

02:19:29.000 You've sort of organized a series of shows.

02:19:32.000 It's all storyteller shows where you get up and people just...

02:19:36.000 It's a theme.

02:19:37.000 Everybody has material that they do about whatever fucking theme it is.

02:19:40.000 It's made that part of my game a lot stronger.

02:19:43.000 Your storytelling part?

02:19:44.000 Yeah.

02:19:45.000 Yeah, because you can stretch out on that stage, right?

02:19:47.000 Yeah, and I have to keep coming up with stories and figuring out what funny is, you know, and working at them.

02:19:52.000 I've got a fucking show in four weeks.

02:19:53.000 I don't have a story.

02:19:54.000 I don't have one that sounds good.

02:19:55.000 Yeah, you were hurting for a long time, man, trying to break through the comedy scene, but now you've become a legit professional comedian.

02:20:01.000 Yeah.

02:20:01.000 I met these people that run the comic strip in Edmonton.

02:20:05.000 The husband's like a comic, and the wife just runs it, you know?

02:20:09.000 And they're like, oh, nice to meet you.

02:20:10.000 And then their 15-year-old son was like, to me, he was like, can I take my picture with you?

02:20:13.000 You're the amazing person.

02:20:14.000 I was like, yeah, who is this guy?

02:20:18.000 15 year old kid.

02:20:20.000 That's hilarious.

02:20:21.000 You're fucking ruining this kid's brain.

02:20:24.000 He's going to get beat up by some Mexicans. 0.99

02:20:27.000 He's going to be out.

02:20:28.000 They haven't gotten that far.

02:20:30.000 There's Mexicans up there, dude. 1.00

02:20:31.000 Really?

02:20:32.000 If there's a job, there's Mexicans. 1.00

02:20:34.000 They'll find a way, man.

02:20:36.000 They'll find a way, dude.

02:20:37.000 It's called Comedy Mix.

02:20:38.000 That's the place in Vancouver.

02:20:40.000 Comedy Mix, yeah.

02:20:41.000 Thank you, the whatever.

02:20:43.000 That's the guy's name.

02:20:44.000 What a brilliant fucking thing Twitter is, man.

02:20:47.000 Just be able to ask a question like that.

02:20:49.000 It's like your own little Wikipedia.

02:20:51.000 Boom.

02:20:52.000 How many friends are you up now, too?

02:20:54.000 Followers?

02:20:55.000 19,000.

02:20:56.000 Shazam, son!

02:20:57.000 Follow Ari Shaffir, ladies and gentlemen.

02:20:59.000 A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. And follow Red Band.

02:21:04.000 I'm a little dirty, though, so if you're a Christian, you don't. 1.00

02:21:06.000 Yeah, that was funny that you said some girl got kidnapped.

02:21:10.000 A 14-year-old girl got kidnapped.

02:21:12.000 And Ari goes, I remember sometimes when I was young, I wished I had a different family.

02:21:17.000 Yeah, I re-tuned it for that.

02:21:18.000 People were like, that's too far!

02:21:19.000 And I thought about it.

02:21:20.000 I was like, alright, well maybe.

02:21:21.000 And I was like...

02:21:22.000 No, I appreciate it as a joke.

02:21:23.000 No, it's a joke.

02:21:24.000 I'm talking about my own experience getting raised.

02:21:25.000 It's unfortunate that that girl got kidnapped, but you were talking about her own life.

02:21:29.000 I read it like that.

02:21:30.000 And you were like, oh!

02:21:30.000 I read it like, oh god, how are you?

02:21:32.000 Did you?

02:21:33.000 Well, I have kids.

02:21:34.000 I have kids and I didn't read it like that.

02:21:36.000 My favorite is the people who let you know they're unfollowing you.

02:21:39.000 Yeah.

02:21:40.000 Unfollow.

02:21:41.000 So rude.

02:21:42.000 It's like, alright, if you don't like it, you can just go.

02:21:44.000 You're trying to make some point?

02:21:45.000 I don't care.

02:21:46.000 It's totally cool not to like me.

02:21:47.000 It's totally cool.

02:21:48.000 Yeah.

02:21:49.000 I had a bunch of people unfollow me because I was making fun of Easter once.

02:21:53.000 Just little pussies. 0.91

02:21:54.000 Really?

02:21:55.000 Yeah.

02:21:55.000 Easter.

02:21:56.000 Easter money.

02:21:57.000 You fucking dummies.

02:21:57.000 I eat rabbit every Easter just to piss your faces.

02:22:00.000 Don't say that to Eddie Bravo.

02:22:01.000 He loves rabbits.

02:22:02.000 Really?

02:22:03.000 Yeah, he's on a rabbit kick, man.

02:22:04.000 I love rabbits.

02:22:04.000 Frank Carvoni has a rabbit.

02:22:06.000 Yeah.

02:22:06.000 He loves it.

02:22:06.000 I got a bunch in my yard.

02:22:08.000 And I'm going to eat them when the shit hits the fan.

02:22:10.000 Boom! 0.99

02:22:11.000 Sherlock, lock, boom!

02:22:13.000 So just to reiterate, this weekend, August 13th, we are in Milwaukee at the Pabst Theater.

02:22:20.000 That's this Saturday night.

02:22:21.000 It's me and Joey Diaz.

02:22:23.000 A rare combination.

02:22:26.000 Go out and support.

02:22:26.000 It's one of the few places where Joey Diaz apparently has no warrants.

02:22:30.000 He just hasn't been there.

02:22:33.000 He has actually told me he's played some cool places in Wisconsin a long time ago.

02:22:36.000 Yeah, he's been there back in the day.

02:22:37.000 He knows apparently some great places where we can get good Italian food.

02:22:40.000 That's what he keeps ranting about.

02:22:41.000 Oh, the fucking spaghetti and meat sauce!

02:22:43.000 So that is this weekend, August 13th, this Saturday night.

02:22:47.000 We're fucking fired up.

02:22:48.000 The Pabst Theater, it's supposed to be a beautiful place.

02:22:50.000 Then September 23rd at the Paramount.

02:22:53.000 What are you doing September 23rd?

02:22:55.000 Um, nothing.

02:22:56.000 Ari Shafir will be joining us.

02:22:58.000 September 23rd, Ari Shafir is also coming.

02:23:01.000 That's the Denver one?

02:23:01.000 Denver, Colorado.

02:23:02.000 That was always amazing, man.

02:23:03.000 Shazam, bitches. 1.00

02:23:04.000 And there, of course, is a UFC the next night where Ari will want to be because it's Jon Jones versus Quentin Rampage Jr. In Denver, motherfucker, at altitude. 0.80

02:23:13.000 Very difficult to have a five-round fight at altitude.

02:23:16.000 A title fight in a fucking place where the air is thin as shit.

02:23:20.000 I love title fights.

02:23:20.000 Fuck yeah, you do.

02:23:21.000 No one denies how important it is.

02:23:23.000 Oh, you do, too.

02:23:24.000 And there's a fucking UFC on Versus this weekend.

02:23:26.000 I'm the luckiest dude on the planet.

02:23:28.000 Thank you, everybody, for the birthday tweets.

02:23:31.000 Thank you to the fleshlight.

02:23:32.000 Thank you.

02:23:32.000 Thank you very much.

02:23:33.000 I'm 44, bitches. 1.00

02:23:34.000 That's right.

02:23:35.000 You can still be retarded at 44. You can still be a child and never grow up. 1.00

02:23:39.000 It is possible to be a Peter Pan.

02:23:43.000 I will not mature.

02:23:43.000 I will stay this way as long as my body stays healthy.

02:23:47.000 I will not get any more cranky than this.

02:23:49.000 This is just how I will.

02:23:51.000 Get off my lawn, kids! 1.00

02:23:53.000 At that exact age forever.

02:23:54.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight.

02:23:55.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:24:03.000 And then you can shoot loads with a big smile on your face, knowing how much money you're saving.

02:24:07.000 And you can use that money to buy the new alpha brain pills that we're selling from Onnit.com.

02:24:12.000 O-N-N-I-T. Every single fucking report I've gotten back is positive. 1.00

02:24:17.000 Alpha.

02:24:17.000 All these people that have tried it.

02:24:19.000 I'm getting testimonial after testimonial.

02:24:22.000 Brian's been using it.

02:24:23.000 I've been using it.

02:24:24.000 It's safe.

02:24:25.000 It's not dangerous.

02:24:26.000 These things that have all been...

02:24:28.000 Everything has been researched.

02:24:29.000 There's a frequently asked questions thing that we're putting together for Onnit.com.

02:24:33.000 But there's actual science behind this.

02:24:34.000 And it's not like that fucking pill that Bradley Cooper took in that Limitless movie.

02:24:39.000 It's not going to make you into a genius.

02:24:40.000 But it does make your brain feel good.

02:24:42.000 It makes you feel clean.

02:24:43.000 It makes you feel like you have energy.

02:24:46.000 Chris or Mark Aubrey Marcus.

02:24:48.000 Aubrey.

02:24:49.000 Says it's good for hangovers.

02:24:50.000 I haven't tried it for that yet, but it is good for jet lag.

02:24:54.000 What is his deal?

02:24:55.000 He's fucking had an ayahuasca trip and changed his name.

02:24:57.000 Listen to the podcast.

02:24:58.000 It's pretty gay. 0.99

02:24:59.000 Gay with a G-H-E-Y. Like protein. 1.00

02:25:02.000 Whey.

02:25:02.000 Holla at your boy.

02:25:03.000 Thank you to the guy in Ottawa who gave me a bunch of pot and mushrooms.

02:25:06.000 Yeah, mushrooms too.

02:25:07.000 Me and Jay Oakerson did them while we watched A Perfect Circle.

02:25:09.000 Whoa.

02:25:10.000 You just took mushrooms from some dude?

02:25:11.000 It was pretty cool.

02:25:12.000 Wow.

02:25:13.000 A Perfect Circle with a band?

02:25:14.000 Yeah.

02:25:15.000 Really?

02:25:15.000 They put on a cool show.

02:25:16.000 I was never really into it as a band, but Jay Oakerson was super into it, so I'm like, alright, let's do it.

02:25:19.000 Is that with the dude from Tool?

02:25:21.000 Yeah, and he stayed, it's the only one lead singer way in the background.

02:25:24.000 Background in darkness.

02:25:25.000 Doesn't call any attention to himself at all.

02:25:26.000 Yeah, Maynard's a weird guy.

02:25:28.000 I've heard a lot of weird things about him.

02:25:29.000 It was a cool show.

02:25:30.000 But he's good at jiu-jitsu, so I take him.

02:25:32.000 I say, man, I like you.

02:25:33.000 You are just like me.

02:25:35.000 You're one or the other, my friend.

02:25:37.000 You get in the spa, you put your neck on the line.

02:25:40.000 Thank you, everybody, for tuning in.

02:25:41.000 Next week, we got Kevin motherfucking Smith is going to be a guest. 1.00

02:25:45.000 And the return of Duncan Trussell.

02:25:48.000 And holla at your boy! 1.00

02:25:51.000 I love you, bitches. 1.00

02:25:52.000 And thank you very much for everything.

02:25:53.000 Thank you for tuning into the podcast.

02:25:55.000 It means the world to me that you guys enjoy it.

02:25:57.000 And it would be pretty fucking stupid if we were doing this and nobody was listening.

02:26:01.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:26:02.000 That everyone tuned out in the world.

02:26:04.000 Like, what are we doing?

02:26:05.000 Bye-bye.

02:26:06.000 Big kiss.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 11, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #129 - Ari Shaffir

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Transcript