This week on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, Joe talks about his birthday, the future of Sylvester Stallone, and how he's going to die in a coal mine. Also, a new segment is being added to the show where we talk about a certain comedian who's getting in trouble with the law, and a new joke about Sarah Palin's kids with Down Syndrome. Joe also talks about how much he's looking forward to the day when he's old enough to drive a car again, and why he doesn't want to get married until he's 65 years old. And of course, he talks about the time he almost got into a fight with a guy who thinks he should be fired from his job because he's drunk and smoking a lot of pot. This episode is brought to you by The Fleshlight. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight, you will get 15% off the most popular sex toy for men. Oh, and that's a discount code: JOERogan! Buckle up, dirty bitches, it's your lucky day! Joe's birthday is coming up. XOXO, Joe Rogan. -Jon Sorrentino -The Joe Rogans Experience Podcast is a production of Native Creative Podcasts. Produced in Tucson, AZ, a podcast about comedy, stand-up comedy, and standup comedy. hosted by Jon Rogan and his good friend, Ari Shaffir. . is a standup comedian, comedian, writer, standup comic, and podcaster, actor, and writer, and all-around funny guy. He's also an all in all of that. , and he's one of the best people you should know who you should listen to this episode if you're listening to the whole thing if it's funny and you don't have a good one. Thank you for listening to it. if you like it, then you're in that's funny, you should do it, too. and you're not going to like it? or you're gonna like it and it's good enough to be there's more than that, right there on the other place if you listen to it, you'll get a discount, right here's what it's worth it, and you'll have a chance to win a discount or not? and more!
00:01:20.000You could take an old 55 Chevelle or a 55 Buick, rather, and just put some ridiculous rocket engine in it and, you know, and fucking see how long that suspension lasts.
00:03:30.000But Stanhope did it, and he's talking to this, you know, they can't get into depth about it, so he's forced to have sort of a polite conversation, but he doesn't want to give the people the wrong impression that this is going to be like what they come to see, you know?
00:03:42.000When people don't know what kind of comedy you do, and Stanhope is, you know, remarkably offensive.
00:04:17.000Well, what he's saying is, what the people are saying is that what this guy did in referencing that is like, sort of, like, what's the word?
00:07:41.000Yeah, mostly restaurants were the best, because I'd go to a restaurant, and even if it was just mediocre, instead of just writing a review, I'd just send a letter to Applebee's.
00:12:05.000And it required everybody to pay attention to it because it was, you know, when you're in a restaurant and all of a sudden some shit goes wrong at some table and you hear people raise their voices, like, you have to pay attention, at least part of it, because someone might pull out a fucking gun or somebody might punch somebody.
00:13:54.000I went to Arby's, and you know the fountain drinks?
00:13:57.000They have these little black nozzles, and if you've worked in a restaurant, it's like what you usually take out to clean every night, and you put it in and twist it.
00:14:04.000Anyways, we got a drink, and that black nozzle fell into his glass, and so we went home, and this is like when I first got a video camera, and he opened it up, and he was like, what is this thing after he's drank half of it?
00:15:37.000And anyways, you can get on Torrance, but there's one Mexican restaurant where they go in the back, and I guess a lot of Mexican restaurants do this.
00:15:44.000They have a big bucket that they get at Home Depot, and they just put all the beans in it.
00:15:49.000And they have these bucket of beans where they just scoop out every day, like, here's your beans, here's your beans.
00:16:07.000Yeah, on one side it was mold, and the top layer was so hard that they broke through like ice, like North Pole style, to get the beans underneath that were still...
00:18:21.000I mean, it's one thing if you live in one of those places like in West Hollywood, it's kind of crazy because they have all these spots where you can only park if you're a resident.
00:18:29.000Because there's really way too many people for this area.
00:18:32.000Yes, the residents would never be able to park.
00:19:29.000Well, the biggest problem would be, though, not doing that, is then people would just abandon their cars there and, like, live in their cars.
00:19:45.000If someone violates like a normal rule and then you give them a ticket to kind of keep order, you know, hey man, you can't just be leaving your car parked sideways like that douchebag.
00:20:50.000Yeah, and that's why, like, certain times of the month, you'll see just nonstop cops pulling people over all the time, and then next week you won't see anything.
00:20:56.000But what's crazy is, what if no one commits a crime?
00:21:00.000I mean, what if we got everybody to keep their shit together for a month, and these cops still have quotas?
00:21:21.000For one month, let's show these fucking cops that you can't have quotas that say that, you know, certain X amount of people have to be speeding.
00:21:29.000Just the last week when they're trying to get everybody.
00:21:31.000Unfortunately, our laws are written in such a way where they can pull you over for anything they probably want to.
00:21:36.000They can find a way to pull you over, no matter what.
00:21:38.000Like, oh, you didn't turn on your signal three seconds before you merged into the next lane.
00:21:43.000That's actually a law, you know, or something like that, where they can pull you over for anything.
00:21:58.000The cop was following him like three feet behind him when the white guy took tanning pills and turned black.
00:22:04.000The cop was following him like three feet behind him and then eventually he did a swerve because someone opened their door, swerved around their door and the cop pulled the lights on.
00:22:29.000He's another Cuba Gooding Jr. A lot of those actors, you don't understand, they reach a higher level of consciousness and they just kind of disappear into the ether.
00:22:36.000They probably do the right thing, invest their money and live on an island somewhere and just get out of it.
00:23:20.000So if I got to a certain amount of money, I think, I think I would just take that money, invest it in something that makes me money every month, and just fucking live somewhere like that.
00:23:29.000Listen to this motherfucker pretending that he's an investor.
00:23:32.000Yeah, I would just invest in something that makes me money every month.
00:26:07.000California, it's way, way, way, way easier to get to where you need to go than, like, say, New York.
00:26:14.000If you're in New York and you're fucked, if you're fucked, like, say, if you're in the Bronx and you need to get to Manhattan, you've got a couple different bridges you can take and they're both fucked up.
00:28:37.000It was an inability to carry a driver or a passenger, but this guy figured that out in 1672. That's fucking incredible.
00:28:44.000And then in 1752, some Russian dude constructed a human-pedaled four-wheeled auto-running carriage and proposed to equip it with an odometer to use the same principle for making a self-pedaled switch.
00:28:58.000How long now would it take, once you design that steam-powered model, until you just fucking put it into practice in a real car?
00:29:34.000So apparently it was like they got their shit together where, you know, it was like the late 1800s it seems like they started really, really rocking it.
00:29:58.000Because it says that Germany was the first, the first automobile powered by its own four-stroke cycle gasoline engine was built in Mannheim, Germany in 1885. Germany.
00:32:43.000And if you look at all of them, it seems like if America is the one that's run by the white people, it seems like you can get away with the most corporate crime, but it seems like you're pretty hard on the other kind of crime.
00:32:54.000China, you can get away with a lot of corporate crime.
00:33:04.000They had fake Apple stores selling fake Apple products, and the employees, the people that were working there, actually thought they were working for Apple.
00:33:14.000And it's actually not against the law for them to do that, but they have to get the special permits, and only three of the stores or two of the stores actually had the permits, but the other ones didn't.
00:33:24.000But if you looked at that, it seems like China would be way suppressive.
00:33:27.000But then you've got to look at it and go, well, yeah, maybe it's because there's a billion fucking people over there, man.
00:33:32.000Yeah, they're like, if you've got a copy of the fucking Matrix, yeah, I guess copy it and tell it to people what they want.
00:33:36.000They've got other shit to worry about.
00:33:37.000When there's a billion fucking people and everybody's eating bugs because there's no food, you know, you go over to China, man, they eat bugs.
00:42:22.000Yeah, it's interesting that the English language, if you go to all these different parts of the globe and hear the variations from southern Georgia to Northern Ireland, and you hear the variations of the same words and what we use and don't use, it really is almost like it's a bunch of different languages.
00:42:56.000Now it's like people are inexorably connected with the internet, with mass media.
00:43:01.000You can hear the way people use those words all over the world.
00:43:05.000And they're going to stay reasonably close to the way they are now.
00:43:08.000But if people weren't connected, if they were separated by big chunks of water or something like that, they would probably develop to a bunch of different languages.
00:43:35.000And then eventually certain words that you have completely different words, like the lift in England for the elevator, you would just start using those words and it would become a different language.
00:43:43.000Some guy was on the radio the other day and he was talking about how diverse England is and how many different languages are spoken in England because they were talking about the riots.
00:43:53.000And they were talking about 300 different languages.
00:44:12.000I think some of those you might be able to understand, like if you know one, you might be able to understand a couple others, like Spanish and Italian.
00:44:17.000Well, how wacky is China that there's a bunch all in the same country, a bunch of different ways to talk Chinese?
00:46:35.000I thought of something that was really big the other day about one of your theories about, you know, how, like, civilization started over type thing.
00:46:48.000I got to see it run and do the stare thing.
00:46:52.000I'm looking at it and I'm like, one day this thing's going to kill me and stuff like that.
00:46:56.000They're going to make robots and it's going to turn on you and stuff like that.
00:46:59.000And what if the robots kill the whole entire human race and then a virus or something like that destroys all the robots and kills all the robots.
00:47:07.000And then a thousand years later, there's nothing.
00:47:09.000All the, you know, robots turn to sand because, like, they disintegrate.
00:47:13.000And then there's two people, like humans, like hiding in a cave somewhere, you know, living on the dead bodies and smoking crack.
00:47:21.000And then they make a kid and they're Like Jesus and stuff like that.
00:47:24.000And they rebuild the whole race again.
00:47:25.000But they're so fucked up on crap and stupid because they were just living in a cave the whole time.
00:47:30.000Then the human race starts over again.
00:47:32.000And then we try to build robots again.
00:48:10.000But if we create a system that responds as if it was alive, you know, if that system has self-realization, if that system becomes sentient and realizes that it has to protect itself, and then it defends itself against another system, that is just as alive as a virus.
00:48:27.000It's just as alive as an animal that wants to eat you.
00:48:33.000You've created some thing Yes, it may not have cells and bone as you think of life, but it's responding and moving and interacting and it's intelligent.
00:48:43.000And you've actually made this fucking thing a brain.
00:48:46.000You've built this thing, the ability to interact with other brains, other technologically created brains, and you've got a whole network of beings, beings that have it within their best interest to keep you dead and them alive.
00:49:54.000If you look at 1800 and what people had in 1900 and the beginning of this century in 2000, and then compare it to 1000 years ago.
00:50:05.000You know, there's obviously been some radical changes in 1900 to 2000 to 2011. There's radical, radical changes.
00:50:12.000And those radical changes, you took the cream of the crop shit that we have today, like a fucking helicopter and a 911 turbo, and you brought them to 1600. There's no way if Leonardo da Vinci sat and looked at that he could have ever predicted a 911 turbo.
00:50:28.000He would get in that thing, he'd be like, what the fuck?
00:50:34.000Like, think of someone who, like, Da Vinci invented so many crazy things, you know, had drawings for flying machines and all sorts of different things that he created, but if you showed him what actually occurred in all Our lifetime, which we completely take for granted.
00:50:53.000So, for sure, if these guys are making robots like this Honda robot, which is amazing, in 2011, 2,211, fuck, man, it is going to be like Blade Runner.
00:51:09.000With the science and technology the way it is today, you might not be dead at all.
00:51:13.000There might be a renew pill where you can take within our lifetime that renews your cells and reprograms your DNA to behave as if it's young.
00:53:28.000Is it possible to take a human being's consciousness and completely recreate it to the point where all of a sudden you're switched on and, you know, you're switched on in this body, like you wake up one day and you don't even fucking know that you are a computer code in a machine and that your entire life is absolutely, completely, 100% artificial.
00:53:49.000It's just being fed to this computer code through this, you know, this program that someone has created.
00:54:39.000I mean, we're brilliant in comparison to cavemen, but in comparison to understanding just the very nature of the universe and subatomic particles, they lose all fucking rules go out the window when you go subatomic.
00:54:53.000They have things where a particle can be in a super state, where it's in a state of moving and it's still at the same time.
00:55:04.000And the idea that you can look at something, and as you're looking at it, you change the behavior of it, and that you can watch an event, and the observer actually changes the actual atoms that are moving.
00:56:19.000Imagine if we went to Afghanistan, if they tried antimatter weapons on Afghanistan, and we went there, and Afghanistan was like a bowl, a ceramic bowl, like white and shiny, and there was literally nothing else there.
00:56:33.000It was like the whole thing was just white and shiny, like ceramic.
00:56:37.000That's not outside the realm of possibilities.
00:56:43.000Everyone, this is what I realized today, I was talking to Tony, but it was like, everyone's like, oh, we can't trust the Russians with nuclear weapons, we can't trust the Chinese with nuclear weapons or the Koreans.
00:56:51.000It's like, we're the only ones that have set them off.
00:57:31.000The idea that you're going to take this fucking thing that harnesses the power of the sun and you're just going to drop it on some people you don't even know.
00:58:27.000We've talked about it on stage, the videos of guys running towards the blasts, like the army where they used to blow off bombs and have them run towards the bomb.
01:02:06.000Even if they were trying to replace her, if this girl has her own face and this company chooses, you know what, I like this girl, she looks like Kim Kardashian, but she's prettier and she's unknown, let's use her.
01:02:16.000They should be more than allowed to do that.
01:02:18.000When they dropped her as a spokesman but they used her voice anyway?
01:02:24.000Say, what if someone decides to do some sort of video game or something about Fear Factor, and they have a dude pretend to be me, and he looks kind of like me, and he talks kind of like me, and they say it's me.
01:02:41.000But if you decide to do Fear Factor and you go and get some dude who looks like me and he's good at it and he just does it, I can't sue you.
01:03:39.000You know, she can't do a shoe ad because she looks too much like Kim Kardashian, and Kim Kardashian does a shoe ad, and it makes the K-Swiss people think that she's cheating on them or something, and what the fuck she makes shoes for.
01:06:04.000Yeah, he was always alone with the kids, and he was always like the father would fucking quiet him down real quick, and he would be all upset.
01:08:41.000He said he fucked up and he left his gloves in the car and he tried to manipulate something with his hands and his hands were getting stuck to the metal because it was so cold.
01:11:04.000We had to evacuate, and we had finished the stunt, we got done in time, but when we got on the highway for an hour, I mean a full hour of going 55 miles an hour, like not fast, no one was driving fast, but it was highway speeds, the whole right side of the highway was engulfed in flames as far as you could see.
01:11:24.000But one of the things I remember is how polite everybody was.
01:11:28.000People were using their blinkers, and people were waving, and I looked around, and everybody was scared and slack-jawed.
01:11:34.000When you deal with snow, like if you go up to Maine during a snowstorm, I was driving up north during a snowstorm, and my car broke down, and I had to hang out with the people in the toll booth.
01:11:44.000They took me in because it was too cold for me to be outside.
01:11:47.000They hooked me up, but everybody was friendly.
01:13:46.000It's also that, you know, the futility, the obvious futility of the relationship because unless he kills her and eats her or unless he turns her into a vampire, she can't stay with him because she's going to grow old and he's going to be young forever.
01:16:59.000But this book is almost like it's written by one person, and the other person finished it, it almost seems like.
01:17:04.000Because in the beginning, they set everything up badass, and it's really creepy and suspenseful, and you're like, whoa, this is a good fucking book.
01:22:48.000And what I've been, you know, increasing my blowjob.
01:22:52.000If you know me, I'm not a huge blowjob fan, but I have to increase that because that gives me some time, you know, to be like, all right, I'm ready to do this, you know, because it's something.
01:24:17.000She seriously spends most of her time.
01:24:20.000It's really cool that you're dating a normal church now.
01:24:22.000Well, I always equate obsessive sexual behavior with distraction.
01:24:29.000I always say that whenever in my life that I've been obsessed sexually, whether I was obsessed with masturbating or obsessed with fucking, that it's a distraction and that really I was imbalanced.
01:24:40.000And what I needed to do was get my mind in order.
01:25:12.000Yeah, if your girlfriend goes out of town for a couple weeks and you haven't seen her and then you grab her and you hug and you kiss and your dick goes, slam, son!
01:25:57.000A hard-on is not, if a guy had a bone, you know, like if your dick was a bone and you could just fuck all the time, you would wear the skin out of that thing.
01:28:04.000A lot of the reason why they're doing it is because they're looking for a distraction.
01:28:08.000From something else they should be doing?
01:28:09.000Yes, from their life, from focusing on your life.
01:28:11.000If you have issues and things that make you insecure, things where you haven't accomplished what you want to, things where you're not at a place where you need to be emotionally.
01:28:21.000They're all completely related to an imbalance in your system, an imbalance of the human being.
01:28:27.000When I get in the isolation tank, the number one thing, the number one theme when I get in there is sorting out things that are bothering me.
01:28:37.000It forces me to consider all the things that are bothering me.
01:28:40.000The isolation tank is the exact opposite of going to a hooker.
01:28:44.000See, if you've got some shit going on, you're like, oh, I'll just call this bitch up right now.
01:36:00.000I don't know if he wants to release that.
01:36:02.000My girlfriend played a practical joke on me because we got a birth control test the other day at Target, and she got a red Sharpie and made the mark so it was pregnant, and she just laid it on the bathroom floor and didn't say anything.
01:36:13.000You say it's a practical joke, but she probably wanted to see your reaction.
01:36:16.000Because every girl deep down inside wants to have babies.
01:36:20.000Yeah, well, my actual reaction was, God, yes!
01:36:23.000And I gave her a hug, and I was like...
01:37:21.000But, you know, Louis C.K. told me this once, you get more shit done when you have kids, because, you know, you don't sit around and just fart around and think about getting things done.
01:37:28.000Like, you only have a certain amount of time.
01:38:32.000Everything they do that's legal should be illegal.
01:38:34.000Everything they do that's secret should be open.
01:38:37.000Transparency in government is the number one reason why all this shit can take place.
01:38:40.000I firmly believe that they have fake spies and fake data breaches and fake hacks just so they can tighten down security and just so they can make more things secret.
01:39:41.000And it's the first ever government accountability office audit of the Federal Reserve was carried out in the past few months due to the due to Ron Paul Allen Grayson amendment amendment to the Dodd-Frank bill, which passed last year.
01:39:56.000And Jim DeMint, Republican senator and Bernie Sanders, an independent senator, led the charge for the Federal Reserve audit in the Senate, but watered down the original language of the House, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
01:40:09.000What was revealed in the audit was startling.
01:40:36.000And this is $16 trillion had been secretly given out to U.S. banks and corporations and foreign banks everywhere from France to Scotland.
01:40:45.000The period between December 2007 and June 2010, the Federal Reserve had secretly bailed out many of the world's banks, corporations, and governments.
01:40:56.000The Federal Reserve likes to refer to these secret bailouts as an all-inclusive loan program, but virtually none of the money has been returned...
01:41:51.000$16 trillion is whatever we said we spent on bailouts, that's 20 times, 20 of those, in secret, on top of the one we did, for real, that people argued against.
01:43:52.000I was about to say, it's like, what are you guys doing?
01:43:54.000Joey Diaz had something that happened 20 years ago.
01:43:55.000He had the most ridiculous version of that story, too.
01:43:58.000His version of the story was, the girl, she was on the stage, she jumped off the stage, I clutched her, and I had her ass in my hand for a brief second.
01:44:44.000Yeah, he was making a party and someone panicked and, you know, some fucking really white guy, probably, just couldn't handle it.
01:44:52.000I mean, Joey Diaz was a criminal from New Jersey who all of a sudden lived in Colorado and was robbing people with machine guns and fucking...
01:50:49.000The way I feel where I know that there's some sort of a peak oil situation and we're slowly going to run out of resources and electric cars will slowly take over.
01:50:57.000I fucking love driving a big, fat, stupid V8 right now, because I know these are the last of the Mohicans.
01:52:19.000You can't do that with an automatic car.
01:52:21.000You're just hoping it keeps shifting at the right time.
01:52:23.000You have, yeah, well you can definitely, today they have these called double clutch boxes, like M3 has a double clutch box, and what that is is an automatic, but it's a standard.
01:52:34.000Like you can set it up to shift gears, where you could rev it up as far as you want and use the paddles to shift gears, like all the Ferraris.
01:52:41.000So you can do it yourself like a bike, like a bicycle.
01:58:56.000I know that these are for transportation, but we're going to miss.
01:59:00.000There's something we're already missing in the transition between the gasoline-powered cars, like you get in an old Mustang, you smell Yeah, we miss the smog.
02:11:46.000It is definitely good for those people that are getting money out of the war.
02:11:50.000You say it's not, but for those Dick Cheney characters that are getting billions of dollars while little brown people get bombed on, it is good for them.
02:11:59.000So, it is natural for someone who is unscrupulous to pursue those paths because there's money to be made from it.
02:12:06.000And I think that, you know, it's frowned upon for a bunch of reasons because we're all in this together and we all think that people shouldn't be treating each other like that.
02:12:17.000I completely agree, but I think it's natural.
02:12:44.000It's really easy to make a difference.
02:12:45.000Anything you do that makes the world better, whether it's telling jokes to make people laugh, making a song that people like, just saying hi to someone at the grocery store, and it gives them a nice, warm smile...
02:12:54.000Anything you do that's positive is good.
02:12:56.000Anything you do that helps people is good.
02:12:58.000Anything you do that makes this experience better.
02:13:13.000The direction that it's going, if you were looking at this direction, if you were looking at human behavior, if you were looking at any other animal that was behaving like this, you would assume that it's natural.
02:13:23.000When bees make beehives, you assume it's natural.
02:14:59.000I mean, go read War Was a Racket by General Smedley Butler in 1933, this fucking guy.
02:15:04.000Major General in the Marines wrote this fucking incredible book, an incredible paper about war, about how all his career he thought that he was protecting people and trying to promote freedom, and really he was just making things safe for bankers, making things safe for oil companies.
02:15:24.000It's all about money, and that's why he wrote war as a racket.
02:15:27.000You know, the idea of a racket being something that's corrupt and set up.
02:15:30.000Yeah, you only need an army, really, because other people have armies.
02:19:55.000Yeah, you were hurting for a long time, man, trying to break through the comedy scene, but now you've become a legit professional comedian.
02:23:04.000And there, of course, is a UFC the next night where Ari will want to be because it's Jon Jones versus Quentin Rampage Jr. In Denver, motherfucker, at altitude.
02:23:13.000Very difficult to have a five-round fight at altitude.
02:23:16.000A title fight in a fucking place where the air is thin as shit.
02:23:55.000If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.
02:24:03.000And then you can shoot loads with a big smile on your face, knowing how much money you're saving.
02:24:07.000And you can use that money to buy the new alpha brain pills that we're selling from Onnit.com.
02:24:12.000O-N-N-I-T. Every single fucking report I've gotten back is positive.