The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1338 - Roy Wood Jr

00:00:04.000 We're good?

00:00:06.000 Roy Wood?

00:00:07.000 Yo.

00:00:07.000 Junior?

00:00:08.000 How you doing, man?

00:00:09.000 Pleasure.

00:00:10.000 Pleasure to have you on here, man.

00:00:11.000 Man, appreciate it.

00:00:12.000 Fun of these guys alive.

00:00:13.000 I don't know about that, man.

00:00:14.000 You are.

00:00:15.000 Just trying to pay bills, bro.

00:00:16.000 You're one of the funniest guys out there, man.

00:00:17.000 I'm very excited to have you in here. 0.87

00:00:20.000 And we're talking shit about Apple and electronics. 0.99

00:00:23.000 Apple's fucking you out here. 1.00

00:00:24.000 So, got the new MacBook, right? 0.99

00:00:27.000 And the new MacBook with the new OS or whatever it is, it doesn't fuck with the old versions of Final Cut.

00:00:34.000 The old video editing software I used to use. 1.00

00:00:37.000 New MacBook goes, you gotta buy that shit again. 1.00

00:00:39.000 I'm like, my nigga, I just paid for that shit. 1.00

00:00:41.000 Hundreds of dollars. 1.00

00:00:43.000 With my last computer.

00:00:44.000 You tell me my old software ain't no good. 0.91

00:00:47.000 And you could make the software work with the new OS if you wanted to, but they don't to get you to buy it again and all that shit. 0.99

00:00:53.000 So dirty. 0.97

00:00:54.000 So now I'm having to learn Adobe Premiere.

00:00:58.000 I was pretty good with Final Cut, but...

00:01:01.000 You're swapping out.

00:01:02.000 Yeah, I've got to relearn a whole new thing.

00:01:04.000 And if I'm going to do that, then I may as well relearn a whole new piece of electronics.

00:01:08.000 But to do that means I have to gut everything.

00:01:11.000 That means you have to gut the Apple TV, you have to let go of the iPhone, you have to let go of the iPad, my girlfriend, the whole house.

00:01:18.000 That's how the companies get you.

00:01:20.000 Yeah.

00:01:21.000 So everybody in the house, even my son, he had a Samsung tablet. 0.99

00:01:26.000 I was like, get that shit out of here. 0.99

00:01:28.000 We gotta get you an iPad. 1.00

00:01:29.000 So we re-gifted that and then got him an iPad.

00:01:32.000 So it's like, no, man. 0.98

00:01:33.000 People get fierce about that Mac versus Android shit as much as they do about Republicans versus Democrats. 0.99

00:01:38.000 I want something where I don't have to keep paying for the same shit over and over again every three, four years. 1.00

00:01:42.000 Apple makes great shit, but they fuck you. 1.00

00:01:46.000 The interface is so smooth. 1.00

00:01:48.000 It's so convenient.

00:01:49.000 I can check text messages.

00:01:50.000 I can do whatever I want on my MacBook.

00:01:53.000 I can talk to my television.

00:01:54.000 I can one-click and all the Apple Pay and all of that stuff.

00:01:58.000 It's beautiful.

00:01:59.000 But in three years, it's time to pay up again.

00:02:02.000 I almost switched over a couple years back.

00:02:04.000 I bought a Pixel when the Pixel 2 came out.

00:02:07.000 But then when it came out, I couldn't get text messages.

00:02:10.000 And I had to email Apple and ask them to take my email address off of the iMessage database.

00:02:20.000 I'm like, take that email off so that I can't get iMessages anymore.

00:02:24.000 And it still didn't work.

00:02:25.000 I went online to try to figure out what is a way, how do you get out of this?

00:02:29.000 How does this work?

00:02:30.000 You can't.

00:02:32.000 Unless you switch over to text message for a long period of time beforehand, like switch your iMessages to text messages on your Apple, on your phone, or unless you buy a new number.

00:02:42.000 You've got to kind of buy it.

00:02:43.000 If you're going to get a Samsung phone or something, you've got to get a new number.

00:02:47.000 When did you make the switch to Apple in the first place?

00:02:50.000 I've been with Apple forever, forever.

00:02:51.000 But what was the genesis?

00:02:52.000 At some point you had to have had like a Sanyo 59. That was my old flip phone.

00:02:57.000 Shout out to Sanyo.

00:02:58.000 I remember when I was in radio back home in Birmingham, I was gifted an iPod Touch.

00:03:06.000 Oh yeah.

00:03:07.000 And I was all Android phones, Android everything, and I had an iPod Touch.

00:03:12.000 And at the time, all I had to play music was a mini-disc player.

00:03:15.000 So I could only hold like five hours.

00:03:17.000 This is like 01, 02. And I had a five-hour mini-disc and I go, fuck it, I'll carry around an iPod Touch. 0.97

00:03:23.000 And then it made more sense. 0.95

00:03:25.000 Why am I carrying an iPod Touch and an Android phone when I could just have an iPhone that does both?

00:03:30.000 And that started the journey.

00:03:32.000 I started with iPhone 1. But before that, I was using MacBooks.

00:03:35.000 I was using Mac forever, even before they had an iPhone.

00:03:39.000 I used to make my own PCs.

00:03:41.000 I used to go to the store, go to Fry's, buy a motherboard, buy hard drives.

00:03:46.000 So you never had no time for that.

00:03:47.000 That's a lot of time.

00:03:48.000 You've got to want to do that.

00:03:51.000 For me, I wanted to find out how to do it.

00:03:54.000 It was cool to play games on a computer that I put together myself.

00:03:58.000 But then you knew how to, like, so you're building the games as well, or are you going out and buying a floppy disk and all that?

00:04:02.000 I'm not definitely not building any games.

00:04:05.000 I would just, you know, like, I'd buy video games, just play them on Discord. 0.98

00:04:09.000 But even formatting it and doing everything, I would have to call friends that really knew what the fuck was up, and they'd have to talk me through shit.

00:04:14.000 There's some things you'd have to do in the BIOS and... 0.97

00:04:18.000 The irony of all of this is that I still have an AOL email address, as much as I bitch about it. 0.52

00:04:23.000 Do you really?

00:04:24.000 Yeah, I do.

00:04:25.000 And you know what?

00:04:26.000 I don't understand email slander. 1.00

00:04:30.000 It's like, motherfucker, I'm sending you words electronically. 1.00

00:04:34.000 Does it matter? 1.00

00:04:35.000 It's AOL. What company?

00:04:37.000 What is it?

00:04:38.000 Is my email more ghetto? 0.52

00:04:39.000 Does it come with chicken grease stains when you open it in your laptop?

00:04:44.000 No.

00:04:44.000 It's the same words that if I send it from Gmail.

00:04:47.000 Now, I have a Gmail account so that people will take me seriously when I email them about business ideas, but I still have an old-school AOL email that I've had since college, and I'm like, it's fine.

00:04:59.000 It's one of those things, though.

00:05:01.000 You just don't let it go.

00:05:03.000 You just think about it.

00:05:03.000 You've got mail.

00:05:06.000 You remember when you first heard that?

00:05:07.000 You've got mail!

00:05:08.000 And you were happy.

00:05:08.000 You were like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, someone want to talk to me!

00:05:11.000 It was very exciting.

00:05:12.000 Ooh, want to talk to me!

00:05:13.000 And then you get older and you realize, well, please leave me alone. 1.00

00:05:16.000 Who the fuck is this now? 0.99

00:05:17.000 You've got mail! 1.00

00:05:18.000 Yeah, it was exciting.

00:05:20.000 It was like a new thing.

00:05:21.000 That was 96?

00:05:24.000 That's when you got online?

00:05:25.000 Yeah, yeah, 95, 96. We had an old CompuServe account at the house.

00:05:33.000 And that was how we got online. 0.98

00:05:34.000 And then we started getting the AOL disk and all of that shit. 0.95

00:05:38.000 We had a compact Presario computer. 0.97

00:05:41.000 Ooh, I had one of those.

00:05:43.000 I had one of those.

00:05:44.000 I started out with one of those old Macs that was like a beige box.

00:05:48.000 Remember when they used to be?

00:05:49.000 Oh yeah, the Apple IIe.

00:05:50.000 I don't remember what number it was, but it was 95, 94, somewhere around there.

00:05:54.000 I don't know, that might be like the OG MacBook where the keyboard and the CPU was its own little...

00:06:00.000 No, you had a keyboard that you had to plug in, a monitor that you had to plug in, and it was like a tower.

00:06:06.000 It was like a beige, funky-looking tower. 0.99

00:06:09.000 It was slow as shit. 0.99

00:06:10.000 It was a 14.4 modem. 1.00

00:06:12.000 Come on! 0.61

00:06:13.000 Yeah, 14.4.

00:06:14.000 I remember when I got 56k.

00:06:16.000 I couldn't believe it.

00:06:17.000 Look at the speed.

00:06:18.000 Wasn't that, Jamie?

00:06:20.000 It was a monitor.

00:06:22.000 Didn't have the floppy disk built into it, I don't think.

00:06:26.000 It's hard to remember.

00:06:27.000 I remember it being, there was an actual tower and an actual monitor.

00:06:30.000 And it wasn't the joint where the whole computer was like the monitor itself where the computer and CPU were all together.

00:06:36.000 No, but man, I thought I was living in the future.

00:06:38.000 It was something like that, Jamie.

00:06:40.000 Bro, my older brother had...

00:06:42.000 Yeah, that one on the far right, that was it.

00:06:44.000 My old brother had a MacBook, man. 0.99

00:06:46.000 He had an old-school Macintosh in the 90s, and he had a Microsoft Flight Simulator, and you couldn't tell me shit. 0.86

00:06:53.000 I'd go to his house for five hours, would just fly Cessnas in real time. 0.68

00:06:59.000 Like, I get it now.

00:06:59.000 I get why people will sit down with a flight simulator and fly in real time from L.A. to San Francisco.

00:07:06.000 Have you seen the new ones they have?

00:07:07.000 Oh, it's unreal.

00:07:08.000 Incredible. 0.55

00:07:08.000 But I would need to buy a PC, and then I know I wouldn't get shit done. 0.55

00:07:11.000 Have you ever used the HTC Vive?

00:07:13.000 No.

00:07:15.000 Wait, what's that?

00:07:16.000 What is that?

00:07:17.000 Virtual reality?

00:07:18.000 We have one here.

00:07:18.000 Oh, the whole helmet sit-down joint.

00:07:20.000 Dude, my kids come here and they battle to the death to see who gets to VR. They fight each other, punch and kick and shit. 0.99

00:07:27.000 It's amazing, man. 1.00

00:07:28.000 You put this thing on and you're in another world.

00:07:30.000 You're fighting zombies. 0.99

00:07:31.000 You're in the ocean with whales and shit. 0.98

00:07:34.000 I went to a Samsung event and they had some AR-type experience where you put the phone on and... 0.98

00:07:39.000 And it's fun, but then I just, I don't know, in the back of my head, I can't get out of my head how goofy I look to someone else.

00:07:46.000 So it's almost like something I gotta do alone. 0.51

00:07:49.000 Yes, you look goofy. 0.87

00:07:50.000 You look really goofy when you play.

00:07:52.000 There's a boxing game, though, that you can get a great workout in, like a legitimate great workout.

00:07:56.000 Because this dude comes at you.

00:07:58.000 You see him, he's throwing punches.

00:07:59.000 And every time he hits you, you see a bright white spark.

00:08:02.000 You feel like you're getting hit.

00:08:03.000 It's wild, man.

00:08:04.000 You're moving around and bobbing and ducking punches and throwing combinations.

00:08:07.000 Your feet start hurting.

00:08:09.000 Your hands get tired.

00:08:10.000 Is that going to catch on for real, Joe?

00:08:12.000 Or is this like the Nintendo Wii when it first came out?

00:08:14.000 No, it's going to catch on.

00:08:15.000 You're going to lose calories with the Nintendo Wii. 1.00

00:08:17.000 And then you're just a fat bastard on the couch. 1.00

00:08:20.000 I learned how to bowl sitting down. 1.00

00:08:22.000 Yeah, you can get in shape with this, for real. 0.99

00:08:26.000 Like, if you wanted to do multiple rounds of boxing with this thing, you would get in some serious fucking shape. 0.96

00:08:31.000 Because it feels real. 1.00

00:08:33.000 When you put that headset on, and that dude's in front of you, and he comes towards you, and he's got his hands up, and then he starts throwing punches like, oh shit! 0.95

00:08:40.000 And you're moving around, and he's swinging at you. 0.96

00:08:42.000 You see the punches flying over your head?

00:08:44.000 It's awesome.

00:08:45.000 Now, this isn't something that's predictive in a sense, or is it like different types of workouts or different types of sparring sessions?

00:08:51.000 Because eventually you can predict if you knew the patterns.

00:08:55.000 It's still a workout.

00:08:56.000 Yeah, it's a good workout. 0.98

00:08:57.000 But either way, you're fucking this dude up. 0.98

00:08:59.000 That's the whole idea. 0.99

00:08:59.000 The whole idea is to keep it on him. 0.99

00:09:01.000 It's not like you hit.

00:09:02.000 You don't feel anything if he hits you.

00:09:04.000 You just see the spark.

00:09:05.000 Well, that's next.

00:09:06.000 They'll have a vest that vibrates, and then it gets electrolysis.

00:09:10.000 Yeah.

00:09:11.000 Yeah, there's a haptic feedback vest that you wear.

00:09:13.000 There's a place called The Void.

00:09:15.000 You go there, and there's a Star Wars game, and the stormtroopers are shooting you, and they hit you in the chest.

00:09:19.000 You feel like a... 1.00

00:09:20.000 And that shit hurt? 0.99

00:09:22.000 Does it hurt, or is it like just a sensation? 1.00

00:09:24.000 Just a sensation.

00:09:24.000 Just like laser tag or something like that?

00:09:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:09:26.000 Exactly like that.

00:09:27.000 Nah, it'll get worse.

00:09:28.000 Yeah.

00:09:29.000 They're doing these warehouses now, where you go into a warehouse, and it's all virtual reality, and so they have everything planned out, and you're walking across this beam, and there's fire to the left of you and fire to the right, so you feel heat. 0.96

00:09:39.000 It's all this crazy shit. 0.94

00:09:40.000 Oh, no, that's dope. 0.99

00:09:41.000 To have it set up to make it, you know, really sort of mimic whatever sensation you're supposed to be experiencing.

00:09:46.000 No, that I would be all in for.

00:09:48.000 You know, when I was listening to you coming up, like, you started talking about the sensory deprivation chambers, and I'm like, that's always been something that's in the back of my head.

00:09:57.000 You want to do it?

00:09:58.000 Do you have any time today?

00:09:59.000 You can do it.

00:10:00.000 I don't know how much time I have after.

00:10:02.000 Let's see.

00:10:03.000 Okay. 0.99

00:10:04.000 I know, because I know it's a mindfuck. 1.00

00:10:06.000 It's a little bit of a mindfuck. 0.99

00:10:07.000 Yeah, but it's one of those things where I go, when I get a house, I'm getting a grill, and I'm getting one of those goddamn Joe Rogan boxes. 0.99

00:10:15.000 That's what I call them. 1.00

00:10:17.000 Getting one of them Joe Rogan boxes, and I'm putting that shit in my fucking man cave. 1.00

00:10:22.000 Yeah, everybody should have an isolation tank. 1.00

00:10:24.000 It's a fucking beautiful thing to have, man. 0.99

00:10:27.000 It settles your mind like nothing else. 0.98

00:10:30.000 Yeah, that's the thing that I always struggle with is just too many.

00:10:35.000 I got too many tabs open.

00:10:36.000 Of course.

00:10:37.000 At all times.

00:10:38.000 Most comics do.

00:10:40.000 Yeah, and the only thing that slows me down is video games and puzzles.

00:10:44.000 Puzzles?

00:10:45.000 Yeah.

00:10:45.000 What kind of puzzles?

00:10:46.000 Like putting pictures?

00:10:47.000 Jigsaw and Sudoku.

00:10:50.000 Those are the three things that I can do that I know immediately the moment I start the activity, everything closes.

00:10:56.000 And I'm focused on that one thing.

00:10:58.000 It's the only thing that I can do when I need to get my mind off of stuff.

00:11:01.000 I was dating this girl one time. 0.96

00:11:02.000 And, you know, you're in the middle of an argument, and so you're trying not to be a dick in the moment.

00:11:09.000 So I just start doing the puzzle and just trying to stay calm.

00:11:12.000 And then she walks over and just starts undoing the puzzle as I'm doing the puzzle.

00:11:18.000 Oh, my goodness. 1.00

00:11:20.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:11:21.000 Oh my goodness. 1.00

00:11:22.000 Undoing the puzzle.

00:11:23.000 Oh, the anger.

00:11:23.000 That's a sign.

00:11:24.000 That's a sign of someone's intentions.

00:11:26.000 When someone's undoing your puzzle, like, oh, you're one of those people.

00:11:30.000 Because it's like, this is my place.

00:11:31.000 This is the one place I can go and just de-escalate, de-escalate.

00:11:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:11:38.000 That's bad intentions.

00:11:40.000 That's like seriously bad intentions.

00:11:42.000 Someone trying to undo your puzzle?

00:11:44.000 Yeah. 0.95

00:11:44.000 That's something shitty. 0.95

00:11:45.000 Kids will fight to the death over that. 0.97

00:11:46.000 It's my safe place. 1.00

00:11:47.000 It's like when weed smokers say, you're fucking up there high. 0.99

00:11:49.000 I understand that now. 0.99

00:11:51.000 Yeah.

00:11:52.000 Yeah, that's the one thing I've never done.

00:11:54.000 You're not with her anymore.

00:11:55.000 No, no, no.

00:11:55.000 No, you can't.

00:11:56.000 No, I crashed that.

00:11:57.000 You can't.

00:11:57.000 I'll take responsibility on that.

00:12:01.000 We got puzzles.

00:12:02.000 That's my thing, man.

00:12:03.000 Puzzles and a little bit of video game.

00:12:04.000 And batting cages.

00:12:05.000 I'd love to have one of those in the crib.

00:12:07.000 That would be amazing.

00:12:08.000 But you need a lot of space.

00:12:09.000 You need like LA yard.

00:12:11.000 I'm in New York right now. 0.99

00:12:12.000 There's nowhere to put a fucking... 0.99

00:12:13.000 You live in the city? 0.99

00:12:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:14.000 There's nowhere to fucking... 0.99

00:12:15.000 Do you like living in the city? 0.99

00:12:16.000 No.

00:12:17.000 Why are you there?

00:12:18.000 Because it's a daily show.

00:12:19.000 I got to work. 1.00

00:12:20.000 So that's where the fucking job is. 0.99

00:12:22.000 Did you think about commuting? 0.99

00:12:24.000 Yeah, I thought about it at first, but then I had a kid the same year I got the show.

00:12:28.000 So I needed to be closer.

00:12:31.000 So we got to Harlem.

00:12:32.000 So Harlem is at least a shorter commute to the studio.

00:12:36.000 Where's the studio at?

00:12:37.000 The studio's on Westside Hills Kitchen on the water.

00:12:39.000 So it's like 53rd, 54th Street, and we're like in the 130s.

00:12:44.000 So it's not too bad on the subway.

00:12:46.000 Yeah, it's closer than Brooklyn, which was where I was originally when I first got to New York.

00:12:51.000 Did you take the subway from Brooklyn?

00:12:53.000 Yeah, I tried to be a city boy.

00:12:55.000 The problem is that I've gotten more done career-wise in New York in four years than I did the eight years I was in L.A., How so?

00:13:03.000 Because of the show?

00:13:04.000 Yeah, it's just New York.

00:13:06.000 There's more of a hustle mentality.

00:13:09.000 Really?

00:13:09.000 Yeah, I think so.

00:13:11.000 I think that I'm more prone to run into comics that are going, going, going, going, going.

00:13:16.000 And so when you're around that, it makes you want to go.

00:13:19.000 It makes you want to write because you see so-and-so working on a new bit and doing all of that.

00:13:22.000 And I didn't see as much of that.

00:13:24.000 Now, granted, you don't get to do as many sets in LA because of the logistics of the city, but I just felt like there was more of a go-go-go mentality that just rubs off on you more.

00:13:34.000 But because of that, you don't get to socialize.

00:13:37.000 All of my friends are in LA, so a lot of social relationships have suffered because New York is go-go-go.

00:13:43.000 And you're trying to get the next career thing done, and then you also got to go home and be a dad.

00:13:49.000 Yeah, it's got to be weird raising kids in LA, or in New York too, rather.

00:13:53.000 I talked to Gaffigan about that.

00:13:55.000 He's raised all his kids in New York City.

00:13:57.000 Yeah, and they're in like Manhattan or they're in Jersey?

00:13:59.000 They're in Manhattan.

00:14:00.000 He's been in Manhattan forever.

00:14:02.000 Yeah, I don't know if that's something, not for the long run.

00:14:06.000 How old's your kid now?

00:14:07.000 He's three now.

00:14:08.000 Yeah, he's young enough so that, yeah.

00:14:11.000 It will leave him.

00:14:12.000 Come on back out to LA, Roy. 0.99

00:14:14.000 Either LA or I would go to Atlanta or Nashville or some shit. 0.99

00:14:19.000 Atlanta's a good move. 0.98

00:14:20.000 Nate Bargassi's shown us the recipe.

00:14:22.000 What's he doing?

00:14:23.000 Well, you know, I think he's got a place down south.

00:14:26.000 In Atlanta?

00:14:26.000 No, in Nashville, I think.

00:14:27.000 Oh, no shit. 1.00

00:14:28.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:29.000 Listen, those are both great cities.

00:14:30.000 If you're traveling on the road all the time and you just need a base...

00:14:35.000 I have a buddy of mine who lives outside of Nashville. 0.99

00:14:38.000 He fucking takes pictures of his yard. 0.99

00:14:39.000 It's all green. 1.00

00:14:40.000 I hear birds chirping and shit. 1.00

00:14:43.000 It's fucking incredible. 1.00

00:14:44.000 You need yard, man. 0.99

00:14:46.000 I grew up with a yard.

00:14:48.000 And then family.

00:14:50.000 I feel like New York is a great place to go, but it's not the best place to start, necessarily.

00:14:57.000 Yeah, it's a hard place to start.

00:14:59.000 But I mean, guys start in LA. People can start anywhere.

00:15:02.000 I mean, it's better starting there than a place that doesn't have much of a scene, like maybe Phoenix.

00:15:08.000 Phoenix has a little bit of a scene.

00:15:10.000 Oh yeah, my first nine years were all Southern.

00:15:12.000 I was a road guy out of Alabama.

00:15:14.000 I started in Tallahassee and Birmingham, where in those days, like in 98, open mic was once a month per city.

00:15:21.000 Wow.

00:15:22.000 So every week, if you wanted to get on, you had to get on the Greyhound.

00:15:26.000 Wow.

00:15:27.000 Dude, that's commitment.

00:15:28.000 So that's the only way.

00:15:29.000 And then we started creating stages like in the panhandle, like from Fort Walton over to Jacksonville.

00:15:33.000 You start meeting. 0.99

00:15:34.000 You form a little fucking network. 1.00

00:15:37.000 And this guy's got a Monday night at a shithole. 1.00

00:15:39.000 This guy's got a Tuesday night at another shithole. 0.99

00:15:41.000 And looking back on it, it was all trash stage time. 0.99

00:15:45.000 That's the best you could do until you move.

00:15:47.000 It is amazing, though, how many guys have crafted careers just doing that.

00:15:51.000 Like, the will.

00:15:52.000 The will to do time and to find spots and to find a place to work out.

00:15:58.000 I would make the argument that I'm better off now as a comic 20 years in having started on the road instead of starting in a major market just because I feel like when you're a road guy, You meet every version of what your career could end up being when you're young.

00:16:17.000 Because if you're a big city comic, you're only hanging with your peers.

00:16:22.000 You run into the big wigs every now and then, but it's some high and bi bullshit at the comedy club and then they go on their way. 0.99

00:16:28.000 But when you do a weekend with Ron White and you get to watch him properly night after night after night, that's a fucking tutorial. 0.99

00:16:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:37.000 And that's a fucking gift. 1.00

00:16:38.000 And then you can do a weekend, the very next weekend, with a guy who's been doing it 30 years, hadn't written a new joke in 15, burnout, alcoholic, hates his kids, hates his wife, and... 0.99

00:16:52.000 Once I got to LA, you start seeing, well, no, I know to avoid that because I'll end up like that, dude.

00:16:57.000 I know not to do that because I'll end up like that.

00:17:00.000 There was a comic, god damn, I can't name names.

00:17:03.000 There was a comic that used to read one custody of his child, and the one thing in the court order was that she could not be around the comedy club. 0.97

00:17:13.000 So you know what he did? 0.98

00:17:14.000 He fucking brought her around the comedy club. 0.99

00:17:16.000 So as his feature, I watched his seven-year-old while he would go out and do his set. 1.00

00:17:22.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:17:23.000 Yeah, but that...

00:17:25.000 Did he lose custody of his kid because of that?

00:17:28.000 I don't know.

00:17:28.000 I haven't seen him since.

00:17:29.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:17:30.000 You can't bring your kid. 1.00

00:17:31.000 Seven-year-old.

00:17:31.000 I brought my kids when they were like nine and seven outside a comedy club.

00:17:38.000 And I let them peek in.

00:17:40.000 It was at the Improv in Irvine.

00:17:42.000 And I said, because we were all down there having dinner together.

00:17:45.000 And I did my show.

00:17:46.000 And they were like right around the corner.

00:17:49.000 I said, come on, let me take you backstage.

00:17:50.000 I'll show you what it's like.

00:17:51.000 And the show was about to start.

00:17:53.000 And I had my daughter like, come on, peek out. 1.00

00:17:55.000 Peek out there.

00:17:56.000 She's like, oh my god, look at all those people.

00:17:58.000 I want to run on stage.

00:17:59.000 I was like, go run on stage.

00:18:00.000 She's like, should I? No, don't run on stage. 1.00

00:18:02.000 Come back.

00:18:03.000 Yeah, that's safe though.

00:18:04.000 That's safe. 1.00

00:18:04.000 But to have them listen to your shit? 1.00

00:18:06.000 No. 1.00

00:18:07.000 What that taught me was the importance of how important it is who you end up with as it relates to your career.

00:18:15.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:15.000 Because it can choke your career.

00:18:17.000 Because a lot of the guys that I started with, you know, a lot of road guys...

00:18:21.000 Yeah.

00:18:42.000 And so these guys are trying to go from here to here, and you're with someone that's attacked.

00:18:47.000 Why are you doing that?

00:18:48.000 You shouldn't be doing that. 0.98

00:18:50.000 There was a guy that used to take me on the road with him down south, kind of on some mentorship type shit. 0.95

00:18:56.000 And we would go do gigs, and if it was within four hours of the city, his wife would roll. 0.97

00:19:04.000 His wife would roll and both kids are in the back seat, car seat age. 0.99

00:19:09.000 It's like nine o'clock in Georgia and we're just riding together to a fucking gig. 0.99

00:19:15.000 We would do the show and then in exchange for an opportunity for stage time, I would drive this family back home and then I would go home and sleep in my bed. 0.98

00:19:22.000 But we didn't spend the night. 0.88

00:19:24.000 The family would stay at the hotel while we did the show and then we would get back in the car and drive the fuck back home. 1.00

00:19:29.000 Knowing what I know now, He was fucking chicks on the road. 1.00

00:19:35.000 And the only way she was comfortable with him still doing stand-up was if she got the role. 0.99

00:19:42.000 Interesting.

00:19:43.000 And that's got to be stressful. 1.00

00:19:45.000 He fucked up. 1.00

00:19:45.000 He fucked up, but he tried to have both. 1.00

00:19:47.000 He tried to save both. 1.00

00:19:48.000 He tried to save the career and tried to save the marriage.

00:19:50.000 Yeah.

00:19:51.000 And I think who you deal with outside the business is as important as how you handle yourself in the business.

00:19:57.000 I understand her position in that one.

00:19:59.000 I understand her more than I understand the lady who's undoing your puzzle.

00:20:04.000 I don't understand that.

00:20:05.000 I don't understand that mindset.

00:20:06.000 That's a different mindset.

00:20:08.000 At least she's solution-minded.

00:20:09.000 That makes sense.

00:20:10.000 Yeah, she's trying to figure out a solution. 1.00

00:20:12.000 Look, you still want to do comedy?

00:20:13.000 All right, I'm coming with you.

00:20:14.000 That makes sense.

00:20:15.000 You shouldn't have a three-year-old in a car seat for eight hours on a Wednesday night.

00:20:19.000 No, no, no, no.

00:20:20.000 Just cruising the freeway.

00:20:21.000 Yeah.

00:20:22.000 Oof.

00:20:23.000 But if that's the proposition she presents to you in order for you to continue doing your career, then, you know, you either got to take it or leave it.

00:20:30.000 Comedy is a tricky one, man, because in order to do it correctly, you have to do it almost all the time.

00:20:36.000 You got to be up all the time.

00:20:38.000 I got a good situation where my kids are in bed by like, you know, eight o'clock on a weeknight, and that's when I leave.

00:20:46.000 Yeah.

00:20:46.000 It's perfect.

00:20:47.000 Yeah, I kiss them goodnight, you know, and my spots at the store are usually around 10, so I just roll in, you know?

00:20:55.000 Yeah.

00:20:56.000 I'll hang out with my wife for a little bit, then I'll drive into town.

00:20:58.000 It's perfect.

00:20:59.000 But when do you eval sets?

00:21:00.000 Because that's where I start running into overlap in time, is figuring out the execution of comedy versus the preparation to do comedy.

00:21:09.000 So reviewing the sets, watching tapes.

00:21:12.000 Do you block that out?

00:21:14.000 Yeah.

00:21:14.000 A big one for me is the drive there and home.

00:21:17.000 So it's 35 minutes to the store, 35 minutes home.

00:21:21.000 So that's when I'm reviewing material.

00:21:23.000 I listen to recordings so I have it Bluetoothed on my phone.

00:21:26.000 So I do that through the speakers of the car.

00:21:29.000 And that helps a lot.

00:21:31.000 That helps a lot.

00:21:32.000 That's gigantic.

00:21:33.000 You know, like, it also puts me in the mind, I feel like the more sets you do, right, the tidier stand-up is, but the more focus you put on your set, like, it's almost as good as, like, a half a set.

00:21:44.000 Like, listening to a full set is like doing a half a set.

00:21:48.000 That's how I think about it.

00:21:49.000 Feel like the same way?

00:21:50.000 You find all the extra, you find all the fat to trim.

00:21:52.000 Yeah, you find the fat to trim, and you also find like a spark.

00:21:55.000 Like, oh, why did I say that?

00:21:57.000 Ooh, that might be something there.

00:21:59.000 And then you've got to write that down.

00:22:01.000 And then I spend time just going over scribbles, like right here.

00:22:05.000 You know, like straight pride parade.

00:22:08.000 Like, okay, little scribbles.

00:22:09.000 You know what I mean?

00:22:10.000 Like, okay, what was I thinking there?

00:22:11.000 Oh, that's right, that's right, that's right.

00:22:13.000 And then I'll start adding stuff together, and then I spend time just straight out writing.

00:22:17.000 The straight-out writing time is almost always when everyone's asleep.

00:22:21.000 So like when I come home from the store, it's like midnight or something like that.

00:22:24.000 It's the best time.

00:22:25.000 Spark up a joint, fire up the old fucking laptop, and that's when I write. 0.99

00:22:30.000 There's a time, the thing that I struggle with the most in writing is consumption. 0.99

00:22:37.000 Chappelle says something Years ago in a magazine about how every comedian needs to understand how their joke machine works.

00:22:46.000 And identifying the stimuli that you were encountering during a time when you were having a creative high.

00:22:52.000 In the writing cycle, when ideas are just popping and coming to you, document what was happening, what was going on during that time, and do your best to recreate those situations and scenarios to inspire writing when you have writer's block.

00:23:05.000 So I know for me, it's stuff that bores me or stuff that annoys me.

00:23:11.000 Be it reading, magazines, TV, whatever. 0.91

00:23:14.000 So I have to find time to watch shit that I don't like or can't stand because I know my mind will wander into a place where I can write some stuff. 0.98

00:23:25.000 But to physically just sit and consume television, and that's what I have to start doing on the go. 0.99

00:23:29.000 I get it now. 1.00

00:23:30.000 I used to think these people were stupid, and now I'm one of those people who walks around staring at the fucking phone watching my DVR on the train or something because I have to... 1.00

00:23:40.000 Constantly take in so that when it is time to write that there's something that there's something worth writing there. 0.99

00:23:45.000 I had a conversation with Theo Vaughn about this last night where he he's burnt out and he had to cancel some shows and I said what's going on and he said man he goes I just been going too hard too hard too much too many weekends you know nine shows a week over and over and over again seven eight nine ten weeks in a row he goes I just I need to step because I'm not taking anything in Recovery.

00:24:08.000 He goes, everything I'm putting, I'm just putting everything out.

00:24:10.000 He goes, I had nothing to say.

00:24:12.000 Everything seems fake when I'm saying it.

00:24:14.000 Like, I feel, I felt, you know that, you know, you're laughing, you felt that spot where you feel like everything you're saying feels fake.

00:24:20.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:24:21.000 Like, you're just bullshitting. 0.98

00:24:22.000 Yeah, I'm trying to, I'm still working on a lot more stuff that has more teeth to it and I'm starting to become, obsessed isn't the word, but There's something noodling at me about veterans and the trajectory of veterans when they come back from war and all that shit. 0.99

00:24:40.000 And I was trying to work on a bit about Vietnam and started watching this Ken Burns documentary that's on Netflix right now.

00:24:51.000 They interview North Vietnamese soldiers as well. 0.99

00:24:55.000 I ain't never in my life seen no shit. 1.00

00:24:58.000 Because normally Vietnam was always told from our POV, And they're sitting down with just straight up via con, like, yeah, we was trying to get them motherfuckers. 1.00

00:25:05.000 We set them up. 0.97

00:25:07.000 It's unremorseful in the sense of speaking about the war from their perspective.

00:25:11.000 And it tells the story from both sides.

00:25:15.000 And so it altered how I want to tell the joke.

00:25:19.000 And that's the stuff that you have to do from time to time to make sure that your jokes aren't weighted to one side.

00:25:26.000 That's black belt level material, man. 0.99

00:25:28.000 If you're going to make some jokes about war in Vietnam and soldiers and soldiers returning...

00:25:34.000 You're entering into the trickiest of bouncing beams.

00:25:37.000 That's where the reward is.

00:25:38.000 That's that Gabby Douglas double, triple, whatever.

00:25:42.000 I'm sorry, Simone Biles, pardon me.

00:25:44.000 Is that the new girl?

00:25:45.000 Yeah.

00:25:46.000 What did she do? 0.80

00:25:47.000 I don't know. 0.97

00:25:48.000 Something they'll make illegal in competition next year because a black woman did it. 1.00

00:25:51.000 They're like, don't you do that shit no more, bitch! 1.00

00:25:53.000 It's like when Surya Bonally was figure skating and she did a backflip on the ice and they were like, yeah, no more backflips. 1.00

00:25:59.000 They said no more backflips?

00:26:00.000 Yeah, they were like, no more backflips.

00:26:02.000 But everything they do is dangerous.

00:26:04.000 This French chick did a backflip and immediately the ILC was like, no more backflips. 1.00

00:26:10.000 It was too amazing.

00:26:11.000 It was too good.

00:26:13.000 Wow.

00:26:13.000 Maybe they're worried about those BMX dudes.

00:26:16.000 Those BMX dudes, they started doing double flips, and then they started doing triple flips, and then a bunch of them started crashing and breaking their necks. 1.00

00:26:23.000 Oh, that fucking snowboard shit? 1.00

00:26:26.000 That's insane, though. 1.00

00:26:27.000 Snowboard is crazy.

00:26:28.000 Yeah.

00:26:29.000 Snowboard freestyle?

00:26:30.000 You're stuck on that thing, too.

00:26:31.000 It's not like skis where your legs move.

00:26:33.000 That one in the snowmobile, where they're coming over the handlebars of the snowmobile and coming back down.

00:26:39.000 I'm like, no, man.

00:26:40.000 Yeah.

00:26:41.000 No. 0.94

00:26:41.000 Anything with BMX bikes or motocross or any of those crazy white dudes that are doing flips. 0.94

00:26:48.000 It's all just...

00:26:49.000 How many flips can you do?

00:26:51.000 Landing on your front tire.

00:26:52.000 And the wrecks, man.

00:26:54.000 I spent an hour one night just watching wrecks.

00:26:58.000 Just watching guys try to do flips and land wrong.

00:27:01.000 Dude, you're just picturing...

00:27:02.000 Nerves getting ruined for life and spinal cord injuries.

00:27:06.000 It's all compound fractures. 0.98

00:27:08.000 There's a Birth of Big Air 30 for 30 where they talk about when they started that shit in the 80s in Oklahoma and they were just doing it for the love. 0.96

00:27:15.000 Like it was just a dude with a ramp in his yard and just word traveled. 0.96

00:27:20.000 No email, no nothing, just word of mouth.

00:27:23.000 There's a dude with a ramp.

00:27:24.000 So when we're in town to do that race, we're going to go over to this dude's yard.

00:27:28.000 Before that, what did they do?

00:27:30.000 You had to be like a trapeze guy. 0.91

00:27:32.000 Like, before there was motocross and bikes and shit, what did you do? 0.99

00:27:35.000 Like, if you were a crazy person, you had to be a trapeze guy. 0.97

00:27:38.000 Yeah, what were your options?

00:27:39.000 You didn't have many.

00:27:40.000 With skateboarding?

00:27:41.000 Skateboarding wasn't really...

00:27:42.000 They weren't thrashing like that in the 80s. 1.00

00:27:44.000 No, they were just rolling around like assholes. 1.00

00:27:47.000 We're on the sidewalk. 1.00

00:27:48.000 Move it, pedestrian. 1.00

00:27:50.000 The craziest shit they did is get in a pool. 1.00

00:27:52.000 We're in the bottom of a pool. 1.00

00:27:53.000 This is nuts, man.

00:27:54.000 We're on the edge. 1.00

00:27:56.000 The shit they do... 1.00

00:27:57.000 Kids in general, athletics-wise, the stuff they're doing... 1.00

00:28:01.000 You see it in jiu-jitsu and in MMA. The kids that are coming up now, they're so advanced.

00:28:07.000 They're all doing flying triangles and flying arm bars on each other.

00:28:10.000 It's like... 0.99

00:28:11.000 God damn. 1.00

00:28:12.000 Humans are evolving. 1.00

00:28:13.000 So I came up playing baseball.

00:28:15.000 Are there certain maneuvers?

00:28:17.000 Like in baseball, before you turn like 15, I think, they try to limit you throwing breaking balls. 0.99

00:28:23.000 Because it'll fuck with your... 0.99

00:28:25.000 Elbow? 1.00

00:28:26.000 Tommy John and all that shit. 0.99

00:28:27.000 Right. 0.90

00:28:27.000 So, are there MMA moves where you just, as a child, you're not allowed to do this yet. 0.90

00:28:33.000 You have to be a grown man.

00:28:34.000 Leg locks. 0.95

00:28:35.000 As a beginner, they generally try to get you to stay the fuck away from leg locks.

00:28:40.000 Because leg locks, I don't know if you're familiar, like heel hooks.

00:28:43.000 There's techniques that you do that are going against the edge of your knee.

00:28:47.000 So, like, here's your knee.

00:28:49.000 Your knee bends like this, right?

00:28:50.000 They're going against it this way.

00:28:51.000 Or back that way.

00:28:53.000 And it's just, there's not much give in your knees, man.

00:28:57.000 And so when you get a heel hook, it's like your leg is wrapped around a guy.

00:29:03.000 They've got their heel trapped like this, and they're pulling on your knee sideways, and your knee just gets ripped apart.

00:29:12.000 It's very, very common that guys get knee injuries from being overzealous and not giving a guy a chance to get out of a technique.

00:29:22.000 There's a heel hook right there. 0.99

00:29:23.000 See that guy screaming? 1.00

00:29:24.000 Look at his fucking face. 1.00

00:29:25.000 Bro, I'm telling you, it is some fucking horrific pain. 1.00

00:29:28.000 You get your meniscus teared apart, your fucking ligaments pop. 0.99

00:29:34.000 It's a terrible, terrible feeling. 0.99

00:29:37.000 Yeah, that's a pass.

00:29:38.000 There's not much room for...

00:29:39.000 In an arm bar, your arm is locked out.

00:29:42.000 You can kind of take it a little bit before you have to tap.

00:29:45.000 But with your knee, the moment you feel pain, it's too late. 1.00

00:29:49.000 You're fucked. 1.00

00:29:49.000 Yeah, look at that right there. 1.00

00:29:51.000 Woo! 0.99

00:29:51.000 Look how bad his knee is ripped apart. 0.99

00:29:53.000 That's Dean Lister. 1.00

00:29:54.000 Dean Lister's a fucking gorilla. 0.99

00:29:56.000 That dude on the bottom, he's like one of the leg lock pioneers in jujitsu. 1.00

00:30:00.000 He's fucked up many a dude's future walking.

00:30:03.000 I'll say this about MMA. It's definitely leveled bar fights.

00:30:08.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:09.000 A little bit more now.

00:30:10.000 I've seen some scrawny guys, like, really... 1.00

00:30:13.000 Fuck up big dudes. 1.00

00:30:14.000 That know what they're doing? 1.00

00:30:15.000 Yeah.

00:30:15.000 And you'll just see the dude.

00:30:17.000 And it's funny because there's all the shit talking before the fight. 0.99

00:30:21.000 And then the fight starts. 0.99

00:30:22.000 And then, of course, the big dude is tapping.

00:30:25.000 And the scrawny dude is still going.

00:30:27.000 I'm like, dude, there's no ref.

00:30:28.000 You're at a bar.

00:30:30.000 You don't get to tap out. 1.00

00:30:33.000 You get your shit broken. 0.99

00:30:35.000 Yeah, there's a lot of people that get in fights that don't know what they're doing. 1.00

00:30:37.000 Imagine if you challenged a guy to a basketball game.

00:30:40.000 You've never played basketball. 0.97

00:30:42.000 It'd be ridiculous. 0.93

00:30:43.000 Like, I know how to do it. 0.93

00:30:44.000 I've watched it on TV. But there's a lot of people that'll do that with fights.

00:30:47.000 But the consequences of a fight are way more grave than the consequences of a basketball game. 1.00

00:30:51.000 Somebody kicks your ass in basketball, you just look like a fool. 1.00

00:30:54.000 Somebody kicks your ass in a fight, you're getting fucked up. 1.00

00:30:57.000 Maybe permanently. 1.00

00:30:58.000 Maybe your face is going to be scarred up for life.

00:31:00.000 Man, I ain't no fighter, man.

00:31:01.000 I'm 0-1-1 lifetime.

00:31:03.000 0-1-1?

00:31:04.000 One draw?

00:31:05.000 What happened with the draw?

00:31:06.000 Teacher showed up.

00:31:08.000 I got in a fight.

00:31:10.000 I got in a fight in the eighth grade at a stop the violence rally.

00:31:13.000 No! 1.00

00:31:14.000 Yeah, it's real shit. 1.00

00:31:17.000 Because I figured that'd be the best place to talk shit. 1.00

00:31:22.000 Because what's a better spot to talk your shit than at a stop the violence rally? 1.00

00:31:29.000 Because presumably someone will come in and go, hey man. 1.00

00:31:32.000 Right.

00:31:33.000 Let's not do it.

00:31:34.000 We brothers, isn't it?

00:31:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:31:36.000 Mario Brown slapped the shit out of me. 0.99

00:31:38.000 Mario Brown. 0.99

00:31:38.000 Where you at, Mario? 0.99

00:31:39.000 Mario Brown is Air Force retired.

00:31:43.000 Still, we're cool.

00:31:44.000 We're cool to this day now. 1.00

00:31:45.000 But on that day, he slapped the dumb shit out of me. 1.00

00:31:50.000 Oh, man. 1.00

00:31:50.000 In the gym, in front of everybody. 1.00

00:31:51.000 Oh, my goodness.

00:31:52.000 That's the worst.

00:31:53.000 You take your L in front of everybody.

00:31:54.000 Ooh, that's a hard one.

00:31:56.000 That's a hard L. Yeah.

00:31:57.000 I thought I was going to get off on that one wrong.

00:31:59.000 Yeah.

00:31:59.000 I didn't know how to fight at all until I learned how to fight.

00:32:02.000 I was terrified of fights.

00:32:04.000 I never, never, never was, never was the guy who, like, I was just trying to get away from everybody.

00:32:10.000 Because I grew up in different places.

00:32:12.000 We moved around a lot when I was a kid.

00:32:13.000 So I didn't grow up, like, with a bunch of friends where everybody knew everybody.

00:32:17.000 Like, I was always the new kid.

00:32:19.000 So you always had to.

00:32:21.000 Always.

00:32:22.000 Always. 1.00

00:32:22.000 And so then when I was 14, I was like, alright, fuck this. 1.00

00:32:26.000 I moved to a new city, new town. 0.99

00:32:29.000 And I was like, I gotta learn how to fight.

00:32:30.000 So I started taking martial arts.

00:32:32.000 I just became obsessed with it.

00:32:34.000 Do you teach your kids?

00:32:35.000 Yeah.

00:32:36.000 Yeah, I teach them.

00:32:36.000 But they're not into it anymore.

00:32:38.000 They were into it for a little while, but they like doing other stuff. 0.99

00:32:41.000 Mostly gymnastics and shit. 0.96

00:32:43.000 But are you teaching them that you think to take... 0.99

00:32:45.000 Because I'm trying to side with my son.

00:32:48.000 How to approach self-defense.

00:32:51.000 He's three.

00:32:52.000 He's three.

00:32:53.000 I know it's early.

00:32:54.000 But it's not a bad thing to get it to be a part of his body when he's really young.

00:32:58.000 My daughter started when she was five.

00:33:00.000 But the question becomes about teaching proper conflict resolution.

00:33:04.000 Because I also, I'm wired a little weird in the sense that I feel like because he's a black kid, he's not going to get judged the same if he throws the first punch. 0.97

00:33:13.000 So I don't want him in a position where he might get expelled or some shit, you know? 1.00

00:33:18.000 But if you got to get a motherfucker off you, go on and bend that knee sideways. 1.00

00:33:23.000 Yes, yes. 1.00

00:33:44.000 And then when someone gets you, you just tap.

00:33:46.000 And then you move on to the next thing.

00:33:47.000 And the thing about doing that is then you're not worried about conflict.

00:33:51.000 It doesn't seem as scary to you. 0.96

00:33:54.000 Like, for me, until I started learning martial arts, I was fucking terrified of everybody. 1.00

00:33:58.000 I thought everybody was going to kick my ass. 1.00

00:34:00.000 Like, fuck! 1.00

00:34:01.000 I'd see some dude that bullied me. 1.00

00:34:03.000 I'm like, shit. 0.99

00:34:04.000 And I'd go around the whole opposite way of school. 1.00

00:34:06.000 I'd walk the total way around the school to get to the bus.

00:34:10.000 Oh, bro.

00:34:11.000 How much longer was that?

00:34:12.000 15 extra minutes.

00:34:13.000 I didn't care.

00:34:14.000 I had to walk 20 extra minutes home if I didn't want to cut through the South Park projects. 0.99

00:34:18.000 Because there was this dude, Spencer, that was always, every week, for sure, going to give me the damn business. 0.99

00:34:25.000 Oh. 1.00

00:34:26.000 Those people could ruin your lives.

00:34:28.000 Every week. 1.00

00:34:28.000 Like, they would sit on the porch and watch me walk in the corner store, and then would come and take my fucking Nile Laters and Laffy Taffys. 1.00

00:34:34.000 And mind you, I've set aside lunch. 1.00

00:34:36.000 I ate less at lunch so I could eat candy and chips on the way home, and they would snatch that shit right out my head. 0.99

00:34:43.000 Only thing that saved me growing up, I had a good-ass basketball goal. 0.99

00:34:47.000 So all the gangbangers in the neighborhood would come to our yard to shoot ball.

00:34:53.000 So I essentially learned every terrible person in my neighborhood shot ball at my house. 1.00

00:34:59.000 So you can't fuck with me because then you won't be able to shoot ball. 1.00

00:35:02.000 Oh, that's nice. 1.00

00:35:03.000 So I don't know if my mom did that by design. 0.97

00:35:05.000 I know she did it to keep me from going up to Powderly Park to shoot ball where, you know, that's where all the bullshit would go down. 0.99

00:35:12.000 But all the bullshit came to her house. 1.00

00:35:15.000 But out of respect to my mom and my dad, like they never started shit. 1.00

00:35:18.000 And I just walk around the neighborhood perfectly fine. 0.99

00:35:21.000 Now at school, I can still get fucked with. 0.99

00:35:23.000 But on the walk home, it was gravy. 0.99

00:35:25.000 That's very nice.

00:35:26.000 Once she got the basketball ball, it was good.

00:35:28.000 That's very nice.

00:35:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:30.000 A kid who's really mean, who's like bullying you in high school and in junior high school, that could fuck people's whole lives up. 1.00

00:35:38.000 Sometimes people never recover from that shit. 1.00

00:35:40.000 You know, it's a natural inclination that people have to fuck with someone who's scared and weak, too. 1.00

00:35:45.000 Because you see it in animals, man. 1.00

00:35:47.000 You see it in dogs.

00:35:47.000 Yeah, we are animals.

00:35:49.000 That's what we forget.

00:35:50.000 We got like clothes and automobiles of civilizers. 0.98

00:35:54.000 No, it's still, I'm trying to take your woman and reproduce and I'm trying to fucking spread my genes and I'm going to take your food. 1.00

00:36:00.000 Like that's the basic of bullying is that. 0.99

00:36:04.000 Yeah, it's nature.

00:36:05.000 And it forces you to overcome. 0.99

00:36:07.000 Because almost every fighter that I've ever met, professional fighter, was fucked with. 0.94

00:36:12.000 Georges St-Pierre, who's like one of the greatest of all time, told a story on the podcast about he was driving his Range Rover when he was world champion through Montreal, and he saw this homeless guy, and the homeless guy was his bully in high school. 0.96

00:36:27.000 And he realized, he was like, whoa.

00:36:30.000 And he's like, what's going on, man?

00:36:31.000 What are you doing?

00:36:32.000 And like...

00:36:33.000 Talk to the guy and try to make amends with the guy and help him out a little bit. 1.00

00:36:36.000 But it's like, fuck, man. 1.00

00:36:38.000 This is his bully in high school. 1.00

00:36:39.000 And you realize, like, most people that are causing pain and inflicting pain on people, they're in pain, man.

00:36:44.000 That's why they're doing it.

00:36:45.000 You know, it's like victims...

00:36:48.000 You know, the victims of crimes oftentimes perpetrate those crimes on other people.

00:36:54.000 That happens when kids get abused at home, they get beaten at home.

00:36:57.000 They're the ones who want to beat kids up at school. 1.00

00:36:59.000 You know, they want to dish out that violence on someone smaller than them because they're getting it dished out on them by someone larger.

00:37:05.000 So they can feel some power.

00:37:06.000 Yeah, man.

00:37:07.000 I mean, that's the constant victim narrative.

00:37:10.000 But on the other hand, families of people that grow up that are martial artists, like all the kids know how to fight.

00:37:17.000 They're the nicest, friendliest people.

00:37:19.000 They don't worry about it. 0.80

00:37:20.000 It's not the thing that fucks with their head. 0.92

00:37:22.000 Like for me, I knew I didn't know how to fight. 0.94

00:37:24.000 So it was scary. 0.98

00:37:25.000 So like every time someone would fuck with me, I'd be like, oh, I gotta get away. 0.99

00:37:28.000 I can't fight. 0.99

00:37:29.000 I don't know what I'm doing.

00:37:30.000 Some dude got me in a headlock and threw me down on the ground.

00:37:33.000 And was gonna punch me in the face.

00:37:35.000 I'll never forget this. 0.87

00:37:36.000 I forget what was happening.

00:37:37.000 We were talking.

00:37:38.000 I said something. 1.00

00:37:39.000 He said something stupid to me. 1.00

00:37:40.000 I said something stupid back to him. 1.00

00:37:42.000 Then he just got me in a headlock and threw me on the ground. 0.99

00:37:44.000 And he held me like that.

00:37:45.000 He was gonna punch me.

00:37:46.000 I was like, nah, I'm not even gonna bother. 0.99

00:37:48.000 I'm just sitting there going, God damn it, I'm helpless. 1.00

00:37:51.000 Locked up in a headlock with this dude on top of me going, fuck. 1.00

00:37:54.000 And it's only his mercy that he didn't punch my fucking face in. 1.00

00:37:58.000 Or he didn't want to get suspended or whatever. 0.99

00:38:00.000 And I remember going, that's it.

00:38:02.000 I'm going to learn how to fight. 0.98

00:38:03.000 This is ridiculous. 0.68

00:38:04.000 Do you ever run into the people from your past who have a revisionist history on y'all's relationship?

00:38:11.000 Not too much, because the only people that I'm friends with from back then, I'm actually good friends with, that I was friends with when I was growing up.

00:38:17.000 Like a couple of buddies.

00:38:18.000 But most people I don't. 0.98

00:38:20.000 But most of the dicks, they never bought a ticket to your show and came up to the merch table. 0.97

00:38:24.000 By the time I was in high school, that's the only people that I still am in contact with anymore. 0.98

00:38:29.000 I had already gotten balls deep in martial arts my first year of high school.

00:38:34.000 So by halfway into high school, I was already crazy.

00:38:36.000 I was already competing and traveling all over the place.

00:38:39.000 Yeah.

00:38:41.000 But I do run into people that have fake stories.

00:38:43.000 I run into people that tell me things that happened.

00:38:46.000 Remember that time we were at a party and you kicked that dude in the head?

00:38:47.000 I'm like, dude, I never kicked anybody.

00:38:50.000 That never happened.

00:38:51.000 100% definitely never happened. 0.99

00:38:53.000 I never went to a party and beat anybody's ass. 0.99

00:38:55.000 Never happened. 0.98

00:38:55.000 You just leave them with that memory or do you correct them? 0.98

00:38:57.000 I correct them.

00:38:58.000 I'm like, I never fought anybody.

00:38:59.000 Some dude was telling me some story about some guy told him that one time we were on the street. 0.99

00:39:05.000 And some guys across the street were talking shit, and I went across the street and kicked both of them in the head. 0.99

00:39:09.000 I'm like, that never happened. 1.00

00:39:11.000 Never happened.

00:39:12.000 I'm gonna guarantee you it never happened, because the last time I was in a street fight, I was like 15. I'm like, this never happened.

00:39:18.000 This is not a true story.

00:39:19.000 See, I'm the opposite, man. 0.99

00:39:20.000 People come to me with shit that I don't remember. 0.99

00:39:22.000 I just let them have it. 1.00

00:39:24.000 That's...

00:39:25.000 If that's your memory of us in college, fine.

00:39:28.000 Whatever.

00:39:29.000 It's weird though, right?

00:39:30.000 When you know it didn't happen?

00:39:32.000 Yeah, it's weird.

00:39:32.000 When you definitely know.

00:39:33.000 Like, I know for a fact I was never in any street fights outside of high school.

00:39:37.000 I had a professor from college accuse me, this was in a Facebook thread of something, I don't know, there's some article about me and all the other alumni are commenting on it.

00:39:46.000 And one of the professors...

00:39:48.000 I remember in 1994 when you said this thing to me in class and stormed out of class.

00:39:53.000 I'm like, I didn't enroll until 96. But I didn't say that.

00:39:57.000 I just, I literally just apologize.

00:40:00.000 Like, cause she's clearly been mad at me all of this time about something that I didn't even do.

00:40:05.000 And I'm just like, there's nothing I can say.

00:40:07.000 If that's your narrative, fine.

00:40:09.000 You know what? 0.97

00:40:10.000 I'm sorry for the shit that I didn't do. 0.99

00:40:12.000 Whatever. 0.98

00:40:12.000 Dude, look at Roy Wood, all peaceful and zen. 0.98

00:40:14.000 But then she replies under that, well, thank you.

00:40:16.000 It means a lot and whatever.

00:40:18.000 So, in my weird, arrogant brain, I've freed her. 0.96

00:40:25.000 Of her anger or whatever the fuck it is she thought I did, but I didn't do it. 0.98

00:40:29.000 That's very cool of you. 0.95

00:40:30.000 That's a great approach.

00:40:31.000 I just don't feel like going back and forth.

00:40:32.000 That's a great approach.

00:40:33.000 It's so much easier to evade.

00:40:37.000 I'm more of an evader and a schemer than a fighter.

00:40:40.000 I'm not going to argue with you and go back and forth, but what I will try and figure out a way to do is over the next two years, diabolically dismantle anything you stand for and believe in.

00:40:49.000 Like, that's...

00:40:52.000 That's my approach.

00:40:54.000 There's a comedy club owner.

00:40:55.000 God is my witness.

00:40:56.000 Before I die, I'm opening a comedy club across the street.

00:41:00.000 Is this in San Diego?

00:41:01.000 No.

00:41:06.000 I've heard the stories.

00:41:09.000 Where is this one?

00:41:10.000 Can you not tell?

00:41:11.000 It's East Coast.

00:41:13.000 It's one of the Carolinas.

00:41:17.000 You know, comedy club owners, we have such a complicated relationship with them because we need them and we don't want to do it. 0.98

00:41:22.000 I don't want to fucking run a goddamn comedy club, but we need one. 0.95

00:41:25.000 You know, to have some guys dealing with a bunch of maniacs like us day in, day out, every week, coming in and telling jokes and getting drunk and Smoking weed in the green room and all the chaos. 0.99

00:41:36.000 It's essential to the art form.

00:41:37.000 Yeah.

00:41:38.000 The existence of the comedy club is essential.

00:41:40.000 100%.

00:41:41.000 You ever get scared that the young people don't really go to clubs? 0.99

00:41:44.000 Don't really fuck with clubs? 0.99

00:41:45.000 Yes. 0.99

00:41:46.000 Yes, I do.

00:41:47.000 It's going to change the business model like in the next decade.

00:41:50.000 Well, one of the beautiful things about comedy clubs, though, is that we all use them.

00:41:54.000 Like, even if you're doing arenas, like, you use comedy clubs.

00:41:58.000 You use comedy clubs to exercise.

00:42:00.000 Like, Chappelle comes in all the time and does the belly room.

00:42:03.000 That's a 70-seat room.

00:42:04.000 That dude just strolls on in, it'll be half full.

00:42:07.000 Intimate. 0.99

00:42:07.000 Yep, and he'll do 40 fucking minutes. 0.99

00:42:09.000 And that is so critical, man. 0.98

00:42:12.000 It's so important to get that work in.

00:42:14.000 That's why I don't like when...

00:42:16.000 A lot of the vets attack the, as they call them, Instagram comedians or the Vine. 0.99

00:42:24.000 Not Vine anymore, but you know what the fuck I'm saying. 0.99

00:42:27.000 Yeah, they get mad at them because the club will book them and they'll go, well, the live show is trash. 1.00

00:42:34.000 It's terrible. 0.90

00:42:35.000 And it's true for most of them.

00:42:38.000 It's not the greatest performance because they haven't had the chops yet.

00:42:42.000 Yeah.

00:42:42.000 But they sold 300 paid tickets and everybody ate and drank.

00:42:47.000 What do you think is keeping the lights on for your 30% selling capacity ass to come back in next year and the next year to go from 30% sold to 40% sold?

00:42:59.000 They're not making no money off of you.

00:43:00.000 But if these IG comedians can come in and at least help keep the lights on, I think in the greater scheme of comedy, There's more good than bad that comes from that. 0.90

00:43:11.000 And I also feel like there's a level of ignoring the tools that they've been able to use to get an audience in lieu of the fact that they don't put new stand-up on TV anymore unless it's contest shit. 0.59

00:43:22.000 Comedy Central just started with the Live at the Cellar shit, but other than that, I mean, it hasn't been a lot. 0.79

00:43:28.000 Well, no one's even watching TV anymore. 0.94

00:43:31.000 I mean, the numbers on regular TV programs are so low now.

00:43:34.000 Like, if you're doing a set on Conan, like, what is...

00:43:37.000 Did we win over this, right?

00:43:39.000 Like, the numbers are, like, less than 400,000 people watch it a night?

00:43:44.000 Yeah, that might be live plus three.

00:43:46.000 On top of that, that might not even be just live.

00:43:48.000 That might be live plus DVR over the next three days.

00:43:51.000 It's crazy.

00:43:52.000 So no one's watching anything anymore.

00:43:54.000 If you can get onto a stage, the way I feel about Instagram comedians or YouTube comedians is if you're doing stand-up, you're a comic. 0.98

00:44:02.000 You might be a shitty comic, and you might be a famous shitty comic because you're famous from Vine or whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

00:44:09.000 You're a comic. 0.99

00:44:10.000 It's whether or not you decide to become a real comic and actually do the work and put in the time and then one day be... 0.73

00:44:17.000 Look, I hope we see these YouTube comics and they're fucking terrible and then you go to see them seven, eight years later and they're murdering. 0.81

00:44:24.000 They're crushing. 0.98

00:44:25.000 Great timing.

00:44:26.000 Great premises.

00:44:27.000 I'm like, we got one.

00:44:28.000 We got one.

00:44:28.000 We need more.

00:44:29.000 This is a hard gig.

00:44:31.000 Think about what you had to do when you were starting. 0.99

00:44:32.000 Think about you traveling around to all those fucking things. 0.99

00:44:35.000 Getting on a bus to do open mics. 0.99

00:44:37.000 They had an open mic once a month.

00:44:38.000 That takes a kind of grit and resolve that most people don't have. 0.99

00:44:43.000 This shit is like hazing where the old heads feel like, well, they didn't suffer the way I suffered. 0.99

00:44:48.000 Therefore, your success is invalid. 1.00

00:44:50.000 I don't take that.

00:44:51.000 Because you didn't do it the way I did it.

00:44:54.000 This is the only way to do it.

00:44:55.000 The game evolves.

00:44:56.000 The points of access.

00:44:58.000 It's like comedy is like... 1.00

00:45:00.000 To me, it's like a fucking grocery store. 0.99

00:45:02.000 And you've been in line. 1.00

00:45:04.000 You've been in this checkout line.

00:45:06.000 And then a new checkout line opens. 1.00

00:45:08.000 And then all these fuckers just cruise through that checkout. 0.99

00:45:10.000 And you're still stuck in the same waiting to get a... 1.00

00:45:14.000 Tonight show set line and the Instagram line opens and people just start whisking through to success and you don't know whether or not to change lines or stay in this one.

00:45:23.000 The beautiful thing about comedy is you don't have to get out of the line.

00:45:26.000 You just open up a new line.

00:45:28.000 Open up an Instagram line.

00:45:29.000 Open up a YouTube line.

00:45:30.000 You can do all those things.

00:45:31.000 But they ain't been waiting in line as long as me.

00:45:33.000 So why do they get to leave the store?

00:45:35.000 You know you have that jealousy, that little piece of jealousy when someone has not been in line as long as you leaves the grocery store before you.

00:45:41.000 That's comedy now.

00:45:42.000 It is, but it's wasted energy.

00:45:44.000 You can't think about that.

00:45:46.000 You should think about that the same way you think about someone having success in some field that has nothing to do with yours. 0.95

00:45:51.000 Like if someone is a Nobel Prize winning scientist, like, fuck, I could have done that. 0.97

00:45:55.000 But you didn't. 0.99

00:45:57.000 It's really the same thing.

00:45:58.000 I could have thought of that app.

00:46:00.000 It has nothing to do.

00:46:01.000 But some people are like that.

00:46:03.000 Some people see someone with like a startup, some internet startup, and it makes a billion dollars and they get angry.

00:46:08.000 They get angry. 0.99

00:46:09.000 But no, go fucking do something. 0.99

00:46:11.000 Don't worry about what other people are doing. 1.00

00:46:12.000 It's a giant waste of your energy.

00:46:14.000 Yo, I read a book, Rebel Without a Crew.

00:46:19.000 I think it's Rich Rodriguez, I think is his name.

00:46:24.000 And he was a filmmaker and he made the, I can't remember the name of the movie, but it was the prequel to what became Desperado.

00:46:32.000 Oh, Robert Rodriguez?

00:46:33.000 Yes.

00:46:33.000 Okay.

00:46:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:46:34.000 And he talked about just shooting that shit gorilla and for essentially pennies, less than $10,000. 0.99

00:46:40.000 Shot a whole ass film and walks through how he cut the corners. 0.99

00:46:44.000 And then you think of how they shot Paranormal Activity for, well, like $55,000, $50,000 or $60,000. 0.95

00:46:50.000 The first Paranormal Activity was dirt cheap.

00:46:52.000 They shot the first Saw for a million dollars in 30 days in one building.

00:46:58.000 Whoa. 0.99

00:46:59.000 Every scene in the car, they're just shaking the fucking camera and jump cutting. 0.99

00:47:05.000 Billion dollar franchise, getting rebooted now. 1.00

00:47:09.000 When I see shit like that, I don't get jealous. 1.00

00:47:11.000 I go, well, fuck, I need to go and fucking gorilla some shit together and learn. 1.00

00:47:16.000 So that's why I started trying to learn video editing, audio editing, all that shit, man. 1.00

00:47:21.000 Yeah, no, it was inspiring. 0.99

00:47:22.000 I love when I walked in the green room and I saw you fucking with that software. 0.87

00:47:25.000 I love when people are hustling, when they're doing things like that, learning new things. 0.97

00:47:30.000 And you're like, you know what? 1.00

00:47:31.000 Fuck this Final Cut Pro shit. 1.00

00:47:32.000 I'm going to learn Adobe Premiere. 1.00

00:47:34.000 They keep fucking with me, making me buy a new version every year. 0.99

00:47:37.000 Now, to be fair, Adobe makes you rent the shit, but I think there's a way to... 0.99

00:47:42.000 Microsoft does that too now with like Office. 0.99

00:47:44.000 Yeah, the whole Office suite.

00:47:45.000 You rent it.

00:47:46.000 You pay like $80 a year.

00:47:47.000 There's so many crux out there.

00:47:48.000 For the access to it.

00:47:49.000 Just crux.

00:47:50.000 Crux.

00:47:51.000 And then you can't use the old version of Office with the new.

00:47:55.000 And if I send you a file that's like Office 03, you can't open it with the new...

00:48:00.000 It opens as a text file with no form. 1.00

00:48:03.000 They do it to fuck you. 1.00

00:48:05.000 I barely use Office. 1.00

00:48:06.000 I use it, I have it, but I write with Write Room for the most part.

00:48:10.000 Do you know what that is?

00:48:11.000 Is that script software?

00:48:13.000 No, it's a software that turns your whole screen black and then turns the text green and you can't access your browser, you can't do nothing.

00:48:20.000 You just have green software.

00:48:22.000 Have you ever seen it?

00:48:23.000 No.

00:48:24.000 So it looks like some old MS-DOS coding type action?

00:48:27.000 Yeah.

00:48:27.000 On my Windows computer, I use a program called Scrivener.

00:48:33.000 And I do most of my writing on that.

00:48:34.000 And there's a distraction-free option.

00:48:36.000 That's what it looks like.

00:48:38.000 Yeah, that's a matrix.

00:48:39.000 Yes.

00:48:39.000 I write like I'm in the matrix.

00:48:42.000 That's how I write when I'm on my Mac.

00:48:44.000 Because I think they have a version of that.

00:48:46.000 Don't they have a version of that for Windows?

00:48:48.000 I think they do, but I've never really installed it.

00:48:51.000 I just use...

00:48:53.000 Yeah, I need to play around with that.

00:48:55.000 It just says Mac OS. It doesn't say anything about Windows.

00:48:58.000 I heard a story that they wrote the first Independence Day movie in three days in a hotel room.

00:49:03.000 Makes sense. 1.00

00:49:06.000 This movie's so stupid. 1.00

00:49:07.000 Just focusing in. 1.00

00:49:09.000 That type of shit would just help me focus. 1.00

00:49:11.000 If you had a lot of coffee or some Adderall or something like that, you could write a dumb action movie in three days. 1.00

00:49:16.000 Easy. 1.00

00:49:17.000 You could go crazy.

00:49:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:49:20.000 Guerrilla-style shit, man, that's how this podcast got started. 1.00

00:49:23.000 This podcast reaches some stupendous number of people every month, and it started out with a laptop in my living room, because I was bored, me and my friend Brian, because I had just gotten back from Colorado. 0.99

00:49:36.000 And I was like, yeah, I can't believe I'm back in L.A. This is fucking terrible. 0.96

00:49:40.000 I'm like, well, let me do something. 0.98

00:49:42.000 And so I just started doing Q&As on a laptop, talking to people on Ustream.

00:49:47.000 God.

00:49:49.000 Yeah.

00:49:49.000 That's the one thing I wish I could have back.

00:49:51.000 I wish I had taken YouTube more seriously.

00:49:55.000 You take it seriously right now, though.

00:49:56.000 I do now, but not in 2005 when it first came.

00:49:59.000 Yeah, but just start rolling now.

00:50:02.000 See, that's the same thing you were complaining about before.

00:50:04.000 No, I'm just, it's the wish that I had done something.

00:50:07.000 That's what your career is.

00:50:08.000 It's like, man, I might have done this sooner.

00:50:10.000 It's two things I would have done sooner.

00:50:12.000 I would have taken the internet more seriously, and I would have taken some more advice and not gotten on TV for 10 years.

00:50:17.000 Really?

00:50:18.000 I don't think any comic can do it though.

00:50:20.000 I think it is impossible to be a working comic and stay off of...

00:50:24.000 If you stayed off of television... 1.00

00:50:27.000 If you started your career and just never did shit, no festivals, just crush, crush, crush, crush, you become a fucking legend. 0.99

00:50:37.000 That by the time you finally decide, you're like a college quarterback that just stays in college for years and years and years and never enters the draft. 0.99

00:50:47.000 And by the time you do, then everything is stratospheric.

00:50:49.000 But there's too much money.

00:50:50.000 There's too many offers.

00:50:51.000 Well, you know who did that?

00:50:52.000 It's Joey Diaz.

00:50:53.000 Joey Diaz didn't do any stand-up comedy on TV until like 15, 20 years in.

00:50:58.000 Yeah, he was crushing.

00:50:59.000 But Joey also, I think, is from a different cloth.

00:51:02.000 He wasn't seeking that out either.

00:51:04.000 He was never tempted by that.

00:51:05.000 Well, he was seeking it out.

00:51:06.000 They were scared of him. 0.99

00:51:07.000 You know, he was talking about eating ass and taking in the muffler and all this chaos. 0.99

00:51:12.000 Taking in the muffler. 1.00

00:51:14.000 Yeah, he talks crazy.

00:51:16.000 But I think I have a different perspective.

00:51:19.000 I think I have a bunch of old sets.

00:51:23.000 For me, when I was on TV, I was doing comedy like five years, four years.

00:51:27.000 They're terrible.

00:51:28.000 But the good thing about it is they exist.

00:51:31.000 And it lets you see. 0.98

00:51:33.000 Like, look, in the beginning, I was fucking terrible. 0.98

00:51:36.000 But just keep going. 0.97

00:51:37.000 You just keep working at it.

00:51:39.000 You keep working at it, you get better. 0.99

00:51:40.000 I'm not under any illusion that I didn't used to suck. 0.88

00:51:43.000 I try to talk about it as much as possible. 0.97

00:51:45.000 I was terrible when I first started.

00:51:47.000 You're okay with that being out there? 0.99

00:51:49.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:51:49.000 Dude, I've been digging in the crates. 0.99

00:51:51.000 I've been digitizing a lot of my old VHS shit. 0.96

00:51:54.000 Trying to, you know, just... 0.96

00:51:55.000 For posterity. 0.99

00:51:57.000 And going through some of my old fucking TV sets. 0.99

00:52:01.000 They're all terrible. 0.99

00:52:02.000 Like, the Letterman set is probably the only thing...

00:52:05.000 The Letterman and Def Jam set in 06. Those are the only two that I'd still, to this day, would go, alright, I still stand beside those jokes.

00:52:12.000 Everything before that.

00:52:13.000 Premium Blend, Star Search, Last Comic Standing...

00:52:16.000 Apollo, Comic View, all of it. 1.00

00:52:19.000 I'm like bury that shit. 1.00

00:52:21.000 My biggest fear is becoming famous, whatever the fuck that is, and then BET just rolling out some sort of remember when Fucking thread. 1.00

00:52:32.000 He was all the black comics that used to suck 20 years ago. 0.99

00:52:35.000 And just going, no. 0.99

00:52:37.000 But that's who you were.

00:52:38.000 That's part of the process.

00:52:40.000 I like the process.

00:52:42.000 I don't care.

00:52:42.000 I'm fine with it.

00:52:43.000 The problem is that the gatekeepers that decide stuff, they only want the newest shiny thing.

00:52:47.000 So if they see you too soon and you're a little too rusty.

00:52:49.000 That's the only problem, Roy.

00:52:50.000 That's the only problem. 1.00

00:52:51.000 You don't need those fucks. 1.00

00:52:52.000 You don't need gatekeepers. 1.00

00:52:54.000 Internet.

00:52:55.000 The internet has no gatekeepers.

00:52:57.000 They have people that have podcasts.

00:52:59.000 They get you on their podcasts.

00:53:00.000 You do your own podcast.

00:53:01.000 You put out a lot of content.

00:53:04.000 No gatekeepers.

00:53:05.000 But the problem is that it takes comics discovering that.

00:53:08.000 Because the problem as a young comic is that you inherit the goals of your predecessors.

00:53:12.000 So as a young comic, especially as a road comic, every road comic is trying to get on TV. So they make you believe TV is where you need to be going.

00:53:22.000 Don't fuck with that YouTube shit, little nigga. 1.00

00:53:24.000 I tell you right now, you got to get on goddamn Letterman. 1.00

00:53:27.000 You get on Letterman, and then you get the show. 0.99

00:53:29.000 I got on Letterman, and it's not a knock.

00:53:32.000 On Letterman.

00:53:33.000 And it's worth as a credit.

00:53:35.000 But the worth of a late night credit in 2006 versus 1996, it's not the same currency.

00:53:40.000 No.

00:53:41.000 There was a deflation in the currency.

00:53:43.000 So it got me more rooms.

00:53:44.000 It got me more money. 0.99

00:53:46.000 But there was no Ray Romano fucking, here's your career. 0.99

00:53:51.000 Choose your career. 0.99

00:53:52.000 Here's your Kevin James.

00:53:53.000 It doesn't work like that.

00:53:55.000 But you're chasing what somebody else wanted.

00:53:58.000 And the game is always moving.

00:54:00.000 The school of fish are always...

00:54:02.000 So you have to be ahead of that curve, and it just didn't listen to the instincts.

00:54:06.000 Yeah, it's hard to see where it's going, though.

00:54:08.000 If the people from your predecessors, the guys who were successful when you were coming up, where they were headlining and you were middling, for them, that was the goal.

00:54:16.000 The goal was The Tonight Show.

00:54:19.000 Yeah, but I don't think it's that hard to...

00:54:21.000 See the future?

00:54:22.000 Not necessarily see the future, but see the trends of what people are paying attention to.

00:54:26.000 I'm quicker to read Fast Company than I am a variety or a Hollywood reporter because where tech goes, that's where people go.

00:54:35.000 Where people go, they want to laugh. 0.99

00:54:36.000 So you figure out a way with that to integrate laughter into whatever the new tech, like this TikTok shit. 0.99

00:54:43.000 I don't know what that is. 0.99

00:54:44.000 I've seen it, but I don't know what it is. 0.99

00:54:45.000 You better fucking figure it out. 0.99

00:54:46.000 Really? 0.99

00:54:47.000 Because that's the next one.

00:54:48.000 Is it the next one?

00:54:48.000 That's the one.

00:54:49.000 I've almost brought up to you.

00:54:50.000 We should maybe think of something.

00:54:51.000 We should do a TikTok account?

00:54:53.000 I don't know.

00:54:53.000 We should think about it.

00:54:54.000 I don't think you'll like it.

00:54:57.000 I don't think you'll like it.

00:54:58.000 I won't like it?

00:54:59.000 It's music.

00:55:00.000 It's musical vine in a way.

00:55:02.000 It's music sketches, but it's still funny.

00:55:04.000 It's entertaining.

00:55:05.000 Tom Segura does it all the time.

00:55:07.000 He's into it.

00:55:08.000 He's ironically doing it, but yeah. 0.99

00:55:10.000 But he does some funny shit on it. 0.97

00:55:12.000 Some of them are getting... 1.00

00:55:12.000 He does some funny shit on it. 1.00

00:55:13.000 Because Tom Segura is self-aware that he's a guy that shouldn't be on TikTok, so his existence on TikTok... 0.98

00:55:18.000 It's what makes it funny. 0.98

00:55:20.000 He knows how to do that shit, but he's ahead of that curve. 0.99

00:55:25.000 So the other thing I think compounded guys like me from my generation is that Dane Cook was one of the first that was like, all right, fuck TV, what's over here? 1.00

00:55:33.000 And so many people shitted on Dane out of jealousy that you ignored the fact that his MySpace move was some fucking bullshit. 0.99

00:55:41.000 It was huge. 1.00

00:55:42.000 It was huge for everybody.

00:55:43.000 I remember I read People Magazine.

00:55:45.000 There was an article about how he had like 200,000 or 300,000 MySpace friends. 0.99

00:55:49.000 I was like, damn. 0.99

00:55:51.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:55:53.000 I remember thinking, that is crazy.

00:55:54.000 How does he have so many friends?

00:55:56.000 But he was using that and talking to people online constantly. 0.99

00:56:00.000 And rather look at him and see how he did it, you stand in your checkout lane and go, fuck him, he got out of the store before me. 0.98

00:56:06.000 Well, I shifted and I started promoting on it. 1.00

00:56:09.000 No, I didn't. 0.72

00:56:10.000 I'm just saying a lot of comics like me just didn't, you lean on what you're told because you look at older comics as mentors instead of realizing that maybe they don't have this shit figured out either and you should be trusting your instincts.

00:56:21.000 He was the first guy, right?

00:56:22.000 He was the first guy to really make it through the internet.

00:56:24.000 On the digital side, yeah.

00:56:25.000 100%, right?

00:56:27.000 I'd say that.

00:56:28.000 I can't think of anybody before him because I can't think of anything before that other than Yahoo chat rooms.

00:56:32.000 No, he was the first guy.

00:56:34.000 He was the first guy and the first guy for sure that became famous for MySpace. 0.97

00:56:38.000 Yeah, because MySpace was like the first platform of that social network and shit.

00:56:42.000 Yeah, his album sold like 2 million copies or something crazy like that.

00:56:46.000 Yeah, dude, retaliation.

00:56:47.000 Oh my god.

00:56:48.000 If you stop and think about how nuts that is today, like today a big artist, like if Eminem puts out an album, how many does he sell?

00:56:57.000 I'd say 400 first week.

00:56:59.000 Maybe three.

00:57:00.000 Two.

00:57:00.000 Well, 400 first week.

00:57:02.000 Let's give it a year.

00:57:03.000 Depending on what week you're releasing right now, you could be number one with like 30,000 sales.

00:57:09.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:57:10.000 Yeah.

00:57:11.000 40, 50,000 sales.

00:57:12.000 Boy, they just gutted that record business, didn't they?

00:57:15.000 That is crazy what happened with the internet.

00:57:17.000 The internet took out porn and took out music by the knees. 1.00

00:57:22.000 I used to have a fucking neighbor. 0.99

00:57:24.000 He lived right down the street like two houses down from me. 1.00

00:57:26.000 This crazy porn dude. 0.93

00:57:27.000 I used to do jujitsu with him too. 0.99

00:57:28.000 He was all steroided up and maniac and wild eyes. 0.92

00:57:31.000 He was just crazy. 0.97

00:57:32.000 Like coke? 0.67

00:57:33.000 Yes! 0.99

00:57:34.000 It was coke and steroids and he was just fucking up a storm constantly. 0.99

00:57:37.000 Pulling past his house and he always had these fat Mercedes parked in his driveway and all hot girls in their underwear walking around. 1.00

00:57:45.000 It was hilarious. 0.99

00:57:46.000 This dude was a maniac. 0.91

00:57:47.000 But then the internet came around. 0.58

00:57:50.000 The internet just gutted his business.

00:57:51.000 Just gutted it.

00:57:52.000 And they repossessed his house.

00:57:53.000 I'll never forget, man. 1.00

00:57:55.000 His fucking house got repossessed. 1.00

00:57:57.000 And I remember seeing it in the real estate section. 1.00

00:58:01.000 I was like, fuck, man. 0.99

00:58:02.000 That dude lost his house. 1.00

00:58:04.000 He had a fat fucking Rolex with diamonds all over it. 1.00

00:58:09.000 Porn got really fucked over, but you want to talk about the people selecting what they want to see. 1.00

00:58:17.000 What's a bigger focus group than people who want to fucking jack off? 1.00

00:58:21.000 And they've decided I would rather see somebody in the hood in their house with no lighting and just terrible fucking camera work. 0.99

00:58:29.000 And that's interesting. 0.98

00:58:31.000 What it was it is that porn became free and they just used ad clicks and they would just pirate everyone's porn.

00:58:36.000 Say if you were a porn producer and you were making a bunch of porn, they would just take your porn and put it on like whatever website.

00:58:42.000 And then you would have to get a lawyer to try to take it down.

00:58:45.000 Yeah, it was like some LimeWire to the 80th power.

00:58:48.000 It was like way worse than LimeWire.

00:58:50.000 Got it the entire business.

00:58:51.000 But you don't think the free side and the amateur porn is part of it?

00:58:53.000 Oh yeah, that's big too.

00:58:54.000 I mean, that's bigger now, but in the beginning, yes, it was just porn clips getting chopped up and nobody paying $40 for a five-hour DVD. You know what I noticed lately?

00:59:03.000 I was doing research recently.

00:59:05.000 You know what I noticed? 0.97

00:59:06.000 There's a lot of stepmother porn. 1.00

00:59:08.000 It's a lot of stepmom, horny stepmom porn or stepsister porn. 1.00

00:59:14.000 It's all like taboo stuff. 0.99

00:59:16.000 It's also a lot of getting caught porn.

00:59:19.000 Yes, yes, yes, yes. 1.00

00:59:20.000 Yeah, like the wife walks in, you're in the middle of getting your dicks like, what? 1.00

00:59:24.000 And it cuts right there. 0.99

00:59:25.000 It cuts the moment she walks in.

00:59:27.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that.

00:59:28.000 We did a story on racism and porn for Daily Show.

00:59:33.000 And so we were shooting up in Chatsworth or whatever. 0.82

00:59:36.000 And what I did, I learned so much about the porn industry and that I didn't know that like they would just have a fuck house where it's like an eight bedroom house and every bedroom is an individual studio set up for whatever genre of porn.

00:59:49.000 There was like at least five different genres of porn being shot in that house.

00:59:54.000 We're out in the...

00:59:55.000 And mind you, I still have this image that if you're a porn star and you're working with a porn studio, there's some bread.

01:00:03.000 There's got to be a little bit of money.

01:00:05.000 And one of the porn stars was...

01:00:08.000 Is it actress? 1.00

01:00:09.000 What's the fucking word now? 1.00

01:00:10.000 Porn actress? 1.00

01:00:11.000 Yeah.

01:00:11.000 So one of the actresses, her car is blocking someone.

01:00:14.000 So I go, give me your keys.

01:00:16.000 I'll go move your car. 1.00

01:00:17.000 In this car, I have to be the most filthy, saddest fucking... 1.00

01:00:22.000 To the point where I'm like, if this is what fucking on camera gets you, there's got to be something else out there. 0.99

01:00:30.000 And you want to talk about people that need to see where the curve is. 0.99

01:00:33.000 I think if you're a woman and you're cool with doing porn, you're probably better off just doing it on some self-starting shit than even dealing with any of these LA crooks in the first place. 0.99

01:00:41.000 Yeah, if you could figure out a way to get an audience. 0.99

01:00:43.000 I know there's a lot of dudes who run these companies that girls use where people pay to see their videos. 1.00

01:00:52.000 Like someone will ask you, if you're a porn actress, they'll say, hey, I want you to use this dildo and cover your tits with whipped cream and I'll give you $150. 1.00

01:01:04.000 On some live stream, like private Skype type shit. 1.00

01:01:07.000 Yeah, they make their money doing that, and they'll do that all day long, and rake in thousands of dollars. 0.97

01:01:12.000 Yeah, that's like the food videos, where you sit butt naked and eat some food, and you go on a virtual date with the person.

01:01:18.000 Yeah, I think it's...

01:01:20.000 Butt naked, food eating? 0.97

01:01:21.000 Sometimes naked, sometimes not.

01:01:23.000 And like you're having dinner on Skype?

01:01:24.000 There's a lot of that in Asia.

01:01:25.000 Yeah, a woman's just looking straight at the camera. 1.00

01:01:27.000 So anyway, today...

01:01:28.000 Do you talk to her?

01:01:30.000 That's up to you.

01:01:31.000 Do you have a conversation back to her?

01:01:33.000 Sometimes it's just a straight video and you don't get to interact with it because there's multiple people watching the feed concurrently.

01:01:39.000 Or if you want to pay a little extra, yeah, one-on-one.

01:01:41.000 I will sit here and pretend to be on a date with you.

01:01:45.000 And that's more feeding loneliness than some sort of erotic desire.

01:01:50.000 But there's not a lot of money in it. 0.99

01:01:52.000 Neal Khalifa was talking about that shit a couple weeks ago. 0.99

01:01:55.000 What was she doing? 1.00

01:01:56.000 She said she only got like 12K. For the year.

01:01:58.000 But she only did porn for like a week, right?

01:02:00.000 It was like a year or something like that.

01:02:02.000 I don't think it even was.

01:02:03.000 Whatever it was, it should have been more than 12K. No, that's all she deserves.

01:02:07.000 What I'm saying is...

01:02:09.000 I didn't see the porn, so I don't know whether or not...

01:02:12.000 No, I'm sure she did a great job.

01:02:13.000 She put in a solid effort.

01:02:15.000 I'm just kidding.

01:02:16.000 If you're someone that wants to do porn, you're coming off better just setting up your webcam like Joe Rogan. 0.91

01:02:23.000 Yeah. 0.81

01:02:24.000 Day one. 0.98

01:02:25.000 Podcast you and Brian with a laptop and a microphone and just Turn a webcam on and just doing whatever the fuck you want to do with yourself then dealing with the industry Yeah, and the record industry is becoming similar to that, too I think so, too, but I think that it's hard for them to find an audience that way There's so much porn like I had a joke I was doing for a while About why are they making new porn like who is jerked off to all of it? 0.96

01:02:49.000 There's no way anyone has seen it all, but yet they keep making new porn. 0.98

01:02:54.000 It's crazy.

01:02:55.000 There's no demand.

01:02:57.000 There's no demand for new stuff.

01:02:59.000 There's plenty.

01:03:00.000 You would have to be some kind of crazy creep to have seen every porn that has ever existed. 0.59

01:03:05.000 But it's no different than MMA. There's people innovating.

01:03:09.000 Yes, innovating in porn.

01:03:11.000 Backflipping and...

01:03:13.000 POV and new scenarios.

01:03:15.000 Breaking their necks.

01:03:16.000 Yeah.

01:03:16.000 I think the cam thing is the big thing.

01:03:20.000 Girls fuck on camera. 1.00

01:03:21.000 They'll have their boyfriend come over and they'll fuck him and suck his dick on camera and you pay to watch. 1.00

01:03:26.000 That's the big thing. 1.00

01:03:27.000 And they do private shows and the guy could tell the girl, hey, I want you to do this to him and they'll do it on camera.

01:03:36.000 Very strange. 0.99

01:03:37.000 You know the funniest shit, though? 1.00

01:03:40.000 So, Steve Byrne and I, We were in Pittsburgh and three things lead to another and we end up at a strip club and it's a weekend and so apparently, I didn't know this, but porn stars tour strip clubs and they'll go to a strip club on the weekend and dance and sell whatever pocket pussy or whatever vagina mold they have and all of the strippers fucking hate them. 1.00

01:04:10.000 Really? 1.00

01:04:11.000 Yeah.

01:04:11.000 Like, some of the strippers are cool because, oh, they bring more people into the club.

01:04:14.000 But for the most part, the men are saving their tip money to tip the porn star that they came to see.

01:04:19.000 So it's like being a seasoned comic, and then the Instagram comic comes in who's never stripped before. 0.99

01:04:26.000 Like, yeah, you fuck on camera, but it's not stripping. 0.99

01:04:29.000 What I do is an art. 1.00

01:04:30.000 What you do is slutty behavior. 1.00

01:04:32.000 Because, you know, like, there's like a beef between, like... 1.00

01:04:35.000 Strippers and prostitutes because some strippers are sucking fuck in the back of the club and it fucks up money for the rest of the strippers that are playing the game straight up. 1.00

01:04:44.000 So there was this weird tension in the strip club while the porn star was on stage and I could not stop laughing. 1.00

01:04:52.000 Because it was comedy and that's part of why stripping to me is performative.

01:04:59.000 In a weird way, it's comedy and stripping.

01:05:01.000 It's damaged people entertaining strangers.

01:05:04.000 So there's more of a synergy. 0.96

01:05:06.000 So I don't really get anything out of watching the stripper because in the back of my head, I know you're thinking about groceries or some other shit.

01:05:13.000 But it was hilarious as a comic to watch two different same but different type of performance. 0.84

01:05:18.000 It's like the magician versus...

01:05:20.000 The stand-up versus the juggler and how they all kind of don't really like one another for one reason or another because they all think what they do is superlative to the other guy's craft. 0.98

01:05:31.000 And it was, it was goddamn, it was fucking hilarious. 0.94

01:05:34.000 That is an inside scene that only strippers can really appreciate what you're talking about. 1.00

01:05:39.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:05:40.000 Like for them, they're like, yes, those bitches. 1.00

01:05:43.000 Ruining it. 1.00

01:05:44.000 Coming over here. 1.00

01:05:45.000 Bunch of fucking whores. 1.00

01:05:47.000 There's a couple of strip clubs that I used to go to in Birmingham where the club would close at 2 and the police would leave and then at 3 the club would reopen and then it was open season and it was whatever you wanted to do and then you would see strippers in the parking lot Yelling at the other strippers who were choosing to stay for the 3am session, 1.00

01:06:09.000 saying that y'all are messing it up and that's why nobody comes before 2 is because of what you're doing.

01:06:16.000 So at 3 it became like a brothel.

01:06:18.000 Yeah.

01:06:18.000 Yeah, it's insane.

01:06:20.000 Isn't it hilarious that you could fuck anybody you want for free? 0.99

01:06:24.000 And there's not a law about it. 1.00

01:06:27.000 But as soon as money gets exchanged, you're a criminal and everybody's mad at you. 1.00

01:06:31.000 If you're just a slut, no one cares. 1.00

01:06:35.000 But if you want to fuck people for money, that becomes a real problem for people because people desire sex so much and there's so many guys that cannot get laid, but they've got some money. 1.00

01:06:46.000 And if they find out if they can pay for it, people are like, no, you can't! 0.99

01:06:49.000 You can't pay for it!

01:06:50.000 You can pay for everything.

01:06:52.000 Everything that's legal.

01:06:53.000 Everything else that's legal, you can pay for.

01:06:55.000 Except sex.

01:06:56.000 You can pay to have someone cook for you. 0.99

01:06:58.000 You can pay to have someone rub your back.

01:07:00.000 You can pay to have someone cut your hair.

01:07:01.000 You can pay to have someone mow your lawn.

01:07:03.000 You can pay to have someone take out your trash.

01:07:05.000 You can pay to have someone clean your house.

01:07:06.000 All things you don't want to do. 1.00

01:07:08.000 You can't pay for someone to suck your dick. 1.00

01:07:10.000 You can't. 1.00

01:07:10.000 If someone could do it for free, if they like you, there's no problem. 1.00

01:07:14.000 It's very strange.

01:07:16.000 Or in exchange for college tuition.

01:07:18.000 You can't even do that. 1.00

01:07:18.000 If you made like a deal, like you suck my dick and I'll give you a house. 1.00

01:07:22.000 People go, hey! 1.00

01:07:23.000 You can't do that.

01:07:25.000 That's prostitution. 1.00

01:07:28.000 Very strange, right?

01:07:29.000 I mean, think about all the things we do that we don't want to do, but we do it for money.

01:07:34.000 Everything's fine.

01:07:35.000 There's no issue.

01:07:36.000 Even think, like, you know, I grew up doing terrible construction jobs I'd never want to do. 1.00

01:07:41.000 You know, it might be better to suck a dude's dick for a thousand bucks than to fucking carry cement bags all day for $400 for a whole week. 1.00

01:07:51.000 At least you got that. 1.00

01:07:52.000 I used to work day jobs.

01:07:53.000 I used to work day labor when I was on the road as an emcee so I could make more money.

01:07:58.000 The one advantage the South had was that the comedy clubs back then were like five, six day runs.

01:08:03.000 Oh, so you would work during the day on the runs?

01:08:07.000 Comedy House Theater in Columbia, South Carolina used to be a six-night room.

01:08:11.000 And it was Tuesday through Sunday.

01:08:13.000 So I would get to town Monday night.

01:08:15.000 And Tuesday morning, I would go to a day labor spot, get a job assignment, and work the whole week, nine to five. 0.98

01:08:21.000 And then at night, go do my little MC bullshit. 0.99

01:08:25.000 Kids need to hear this. 1.00

01:08:26.000 Kids coming up, they need to hear this.

01:08:29.000 That's important.

01:08:30.000 That's real hustling.

01:08:32.000 Dude, why am I going to sit here in a hotel all day and do nothing when I could go make a quick, like, minimum wage was like five and a quarter.

01:08:40.000 Like, you're only making 40 bucks, but that was extra money.

01:08:44.000 Yeah.

01:08:44.000 Like, I counted on that little extra money, and we used to work cement.

01:08:48.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:08:48.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:08:49.000 There's a quick creek factory in Columbia, South Carolina, and I've worked there.

01:08:53.000 I worked there.

01:08:55.000 Anytime I played the comedy club, I worked at the Quick Creek Factory.

01:08:58.000 Wow.

01:08:59.000 So did you have to call them up?

01:09:01.000 You show up at 6 in the morning with your driver's license, and you sign up, and then you sit in the lobby, and you watch the morning news until your name is called, and then they give you your job assignment.

01:09:12.000 Wow.

01:09:13.000 And so you bring boots, you bring a hard hat, because you don't know what you're going to get.

01:09:17.000 You might get something with a keyboard, you might just be outside holding a stop slow fucking stop stick while they pave a road, and that's your gig for eight hours.

01:09:25.000 Wow. 0.99

01:09:26.000 And you just stand in the fucking Carolina heat and just fucking 525 an hour. 0.99

01:09:31.000 I love stories like this. 0.99

01:09:32.000 Dude, that was my first 10 years was just working day labor, weird jobs to make extra money.

01:09:39.000 And if the gig was under five hours, I would drive back home.

01:09:43.000 I wouldn't even stay.

01:09:45.000 At the time, I was still working morning radio.

01:09:48.000 So, if it was within five hours, I would do morning radio, get off the air at 10, be on the road by 11, five hours, nap, do the show, get back in my car at 10 p.m., five hours back to Birmingham, sleep at the station, wake up at 6, wash, rinse, repeat.

01:10:04.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:10:08.000 We're good to go.

01:10:27.000 And so I would go there and I would look for other local morning shows that weren't syndicated in cities where I wasn't performing.

01:10:36.000 And so I would send my print calls for free to these morning shows and go look.

01:10:41.000 I'm a comic.

01:10:43.000 Here's some free prank calls we do in Birmingham.

01:10:45.000 They're not going anywhere else.

01:10:47.000 You want to air them in Omaha?

01:10:49.000 The guy says yes. 0.91

01:10:51.000 He doesn't have shit else to play on the air. 0.97

01:10:54.000 So I would send the prank calls. 0.97

01:10:55.000 The guy would play the prank calls for a couple of weeks, a couple of months.

01:10:58.000 And then I would call the local comedy club and go, hey, I want a feature in your room.

01:11:03.000 I'm on the radio and I know I can get on there.

01:11:06.000 And this is when the belief that radio still could bring people to the show.

01:11:11.000 So I would call local comedy clubs in cities where my prank calls were airing and use that as leverage to get booked as a feature instead of an emcee. 0.78

01:11:18.000 And so that's how I was able to kind of jump a level because I was a feature that was coming in town with the pre-plugged in media access and all of that shit. 1.00

01:11:28.000 Dude, you're a hustler. 1.00

01:11:29.000 You're a real hustler. 1.00

01:11:31.000 I love hearing shit like that. 1.00

01:11:32.000 I really do. 0.99

01:11:34.000 I love hearing the driving part.

01:11:35.000 I love hearing the getting the day job part.

01:11:38.000 Kids need to hear this. 0.99

01:11:39.000 All you fucking kids listening to this right now, they're thinking you want a job in show business. 1.00

01:11:45.000 This is what comes with it. 1.00

01:11:47.000 And that's why you're so good, man.

01:11:48.000 That hustler mentality, that's so important.

01:11:51.000 That's so important.

01:11:53.000 You just network.

01:11:54.000 You find people that you can, that are as driven as you. 0.99

01:11:58.000 And then you just figure out ways to work together and do shit. 1.00

01:12:01.000 But comedy is so, so many motherfuckers are lying, bro. 1.00

01:12:05.000 They're lying. 1.00

01:12:06.000 How so?

01:12:07.000 And you lie.

01:12:09.000 You get the leverage.

01:12:10.000 And like, it's...

01:12:12.000 So the way I got hired on radio, so at the time, the thought was that, this is 2001, I'm out of college, and if I can get on the radio, then that'll give me more access in the city, and I can host my own comedy night.

01:12:27.000 By hosting my own comedy night, I can offer money to out-of-towners who also have comedy nights and do swap-outs.

01:12:34.000 So I needed to get the radio gig.

01:12:38.000 So, at the time, they were doing some sort of contest or some shit. 0.98

01:12:42.000 And who's the funniest in Birmingham or some shit? 0.99

01:12:44.000 And I missed the window for the contest. 0.99

01:12:47.000 And so, I knew...

01:12:49.000 The long story short is that I go to the radio station.

01:12:54.000 I asked the guy at the time, Buckwild, who was hosting 95.7.

01:12:57.000 Not the same star on Buckwild, different Buckwild.

01:12:59.000 I don't know any Buckwilds.

01:13:01.000 Okay, perfect.

01:13:02.000 Not the same Buckwild.

01:13:03.000 Oh, different Buckwild.

01:13:05.000 Oh, okay.

01:13:06.000 So, I said, hey man, I'm a comic.

01:13:09.000 I have a degree in journalism.

01:13:11.000 It's a perfect fit. 1.00

01:13:12.000 Fuck with me. 1.00

01:13:13.000 And he goes, nah, we're done with that. 1.00

01:13:15.000 We're not going to have a comic.

01:13:16.000 I go, okay, cool. 0.99

01:13:17.000 Now, I've done enough of the comedy club in Birmingham to know that on black weekends, the black radio station hosts the black comedy night on Fridays and they throw out t-shirts and all that shit. 0.96

01:13:27.000 So, I go to the comedy club and I told Bruce Ayers, I said, hey... 0.94

01:13:31.000 I just got hired at 95.7 and they want me to open for D.O. Hughley this weekend.

01:13:38.000 And he goes, okay, that's fine.

01:13:40.000 I'll go back to 95.7. 0.99

01:13:41.000 I go, yo, I know you don't want to fuck with me, but I'm opening for D.O. this weekend. 0.99

01:13:46.000 Do me a favor.

01:13:46.000 Watch my set.

01:13:47.000 If I'm funny, put me on Monday morning.

01:13:50.000 He goes, you got a deal.

01:13:51.000 So I get to the comedy club that Friday and all I have to do is keep Buckwild and Bruce Ayers apart. 0.99

01:13:59.000 So that neither one knows what the fucking lie was. 1.00

01:14:03.000 And Bruce came backstage and you just, as long as you act like you belong and you act like the truth is the truth, people will kind of merge in with that shit. 0.99

01:14:13.000 And Bruce came in and goes, okay, Buck Wild, you go out and throw the t-shirts and then you bring up Roy. 0.98

01:14:18.000 And I went out, and it was seven minutes, but I fucking crushed, like, just, when you need that one set to go right in every syllable, every fucking comma, it's perfect. 0.93

01:14:28.000 And I demolished in front of D.L. Hughley, and I walk off stage, and Buckwild says, see you Monday morning. 0.96

01:14:34.000 And that's how I got radio.

01:14:36.000 It's just, what were you gonna do? 0.99

01:14:38.000 Not fucking book me? 0.98

01:14:40.000 I'm already not really working the comedy club. 0.99

01:14:42.000 I'm already not hired by you.

01:14:54.000 I'm not saying load your resume with 50 different credits that you don't have, but if you've performed somewhere else, Outside of where you're from, you have performed across the country.

01:15:06.000 Yeah.

01:15:07.000 What you basically did is like the comedy version of a subprime mortgage loan.

01:15:11.000 Yeah.

01:15:11.000 You're like, he sold a house to someone who really shouldn't be buying a house.

01:15:15.000 But it worked out, and he kept the house.

01:15:17.000 Yeah.

01:15:17.000 That's amazing.

01:15:18.000 Check kitin', man.

01:15:19.000 I came up, man, because I got arrested when I was 19 for credit card fraud.

01:15:26.000 Oh. 0.98

01:15:26.000 We were stealing credit cards in college and buying jeans and all of that shit. 0.98

01:15:30.000 So my first two years of stand-up, I was on probation. 0.99

01:15:33.000 So when you have that, I could have gone to jail or this shit could be a lot worse living in the back of your mind forever. 0.99

01:15:44.000 Hustling, people call it hustle. 0.99

01:15:45.000 I just like, no, this is, I have no choice. 0.99

01:15:48.000 I have to fucking do this. 0.97

01:15:49.000 I knew a dude who was one of the original credit card fraudsters. 0.99

01:15:52.000 His name was International Sal.

01:15:55.000 International Sal.

01:15:56.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

01:15:58.000 He was a dude who used to come to this pool hall I was at. 0.76

01:16:02.000 And International Sal was like, he was a real nice guy, but he was a famous loser at gambling.

01:16:07.000 And that he would make millions of dollars on credit card fraud.

01:16:13.000 They had an organized crime empire, and this is what they would do.

01:16:16.000 Back in the day, remember they had this transparency?

01:16:18.000 Like they would run your card...

01:16:19.000 They would put it on the machine and go...

01:16:21.000 Yeah, but the carbon market.

01:16:23.000 Yeah, the carbon market.

01:16:24.000 They would take those carbons.

01:16:25.000 People who worked in these department stores would take the carbons and sell them to him.

01:16:30.000 He would take those carbons, make a totally new credit card out of that carbon with some sort of machine, and then they would distribute them to these guys.

01:16:38.000 They would buy goods with this stuff, and then they would sell the goods.

01:16:42.000 And then guys would come to him in the pool hall with paper bags filled with cash.

01:16:47.000 And all he wanted to do was gamble on pool and he could never win.

01:16:50.000 And when I'm telling you never win, that guy was playing with dirty money and he knew it. 1.00

01:16:53.000 His head was fucked up. 1.00

01:16:55.000 He would be staring. 1.00

01:16:56.000 The nine ball would be in the hole and he would be like a foot away from it.

01:17:00.000 And you see his hands shaking and...

01:17:03.000 Just shank it. 1.00

01:17:03.000 Just fuck it up and hit the rail and bounce it off and people go, no! 1.00

01:17:08.000 He missed! 1.00

01:17:09.000 He missed! 0.99

01:17:09.000 I can't fucking believe he missed! 0.99

01:17:11.000 And International Sal could never win. 0.99

01:17:14.000 He could never win.

01:17:15.000 But he was one of the original dudes.

01:17:17.000 Did you find something from him?

01:17:18.000 Something very weird just happened.

01:17:20.000 What happened?

01:17:21.000 So I'm typing International Sal, and I hit spacebar, and two things come up, credit card thief and pool player, but when I click to search for that, nothing shows up.

01:17:34.000 Like, for instance, credit card thief, and it just brings up a bunch of other stuff about credit card thieves and other people.

01:17:39.000 Well, honestly, it might be because of us.

01:17:42.000 I've never looked it up before.

01:17:44.000 But the search might exist because of us, because I know I've talked about International Sal before, and him being a credit card thief.

01:17:52.000 He's dead.

01:17:53.000 My friend's mom was actually taking care of him when he was in hospice.

01:17:58.000 He had cancer.

01:18:00.000 He died of rectal cancer, man. 1.00

01:18:02.000 Goddamn, Sal! 0.99

01:18:03.000 Yeah, it was bad. 0.99

01:18:04.000 It was bad.

01:18:05.000 Sal Butera?

01:18:06.000 No, no, no.

01:18:06.000 Sal Butera is a famous pool player.

01:18:08.000 This international Sal was not a famous pool player.

01:18:10.000 Sal Butera was a pool player.

01:18:11.000 International Sal couldn't win.

01:18:13.000 But he was one of the original credit card fraudsters.

01:18:15.000 He went to jail for quite a long time. 0.99

01:18:17.000 And then got out and was doing the same goddamn thing again. 0.98

01:18:20.000 What's crazy, though, is that when you get arrested, especially for like... 0.99

01:18:26.000 We're good to go. 1.00

01:18:42.000 Do you know any of these motherfuckers? 1.00

01:18:44.000 And then you get a handwriting sample. 1.00

01:18:45.000 And that's when you find out, oh, I was just a petty fucking teenager that just took a credit card to get some jeans. 0.99

01:18:54.000 And then you start realizing, oh, there's an entire fucking syndicate of shit happening in this city that I didn't know anything about. 0.99

01:19:01.000 They're trying to fucking pin on me. 0.99

01:19:02.000 And that's when the fear... 0.99

01:19:03.000 Sit in.

01:19:04.000 Because in your head, you're like, all right, well, I know I probably won't go to jail.

01:19:08.000 I hope I don't go to jail. 1.00

01:19:10.000 Oh, shit, I might go to fucking jail. 1.00

01:19:12.000 For some shit you didn't do. 1.00

01:19:14.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:19:15.000 And they don't care. 1.00

01:19:16.000 They do not care.

01:19:17.000 They've decided you're already a criminal.

01:19:19.000 And that's when I got into comedy. 1.00

01:19:21.000 That was the fucking depression. 1.00

01:19:22.000 Like, that was the fucking moment. 1.00

01:19:23.000 Like, oh, shit. 1.00

01:19:24.000 Well, Joey Diaz went to jail for armed kidnapping. 1.00

01:19:27.000 That's how he got into comedy. 0.99

01:19:29.000 He robbed a dude over some coke with a machine gun, taped him to a chair and shit. 0.99

01:19:32.000 And then when he was in jail, he learned how to do stand-up. 1.00

01:19:35.000 That is the best cold open to a myopic.

01:19:39.000 When Joey Diaz gets his biopic, it has to start with duct tape on somebody's wrist.

01:19:43.000 Yeah, he's friends with the dude he kidnapped.

01:19:44.000 He took pictures of him.

01:19:46.000 He took pictures together.

01:19:47.000 Didn't he put it up on his Instagram?

01:19:48.000 He took pictures with the guy he kidnapped. 0.99

01:19:50.000 He's like, 31 years ago I kidnapped this cocksucker. 1.00

01:19:53.000 Now we're friends. 0.99

01:19:55.000 That's the beautiful thing, though, man.

01:19:57.000 It's the redemption and being able to make a mistake and get back in the mix.

01:20:00.000 Well, some of the greatest, most disciplined people went to jail.

01:20:04.000 Like Bernard Hopkins, one of my all-time favorite boxers.

01:20:07.000 He's one of the greatest midway champions of all time.

01:20:10.000 And Bernard Hopkins spent like six years in jail for armed robbery.

01:20:13.000 And he learned how to be disciplined.

01:20:15.000 When he was in jail.

01:20:17.000 And when he got out of jail, not only did he have a drive that other people probably couldn't comprehend, but he knew what would happen if it went bad again.

01:20:26.000 He knew what would happen if he slid back down that road again.

01:20:28.000 And apparently, like the corrections officer said, when he was getting out, you'll be right back in here. 1.00

01:20:33.000 And he was like, the fuck I will be. 1.00

01:20:35.000 The fuck I will be. 1.00

01:20:37.000 And he turned out to be one of the greatest boxers of all time. 1.00

01:20:39.000 There he is.

01:20:40.000 Joey's with the guy.

01:20:40.000 32 years ago, I made a mistake, so what?

01:20:44.000 It's not where you start, it's where you finish.

01:20:45.000 The guy I kidnapped showed up to my show.

01:20:47.000 32 years ago I made a mistake.

01:20:48.000 So what?

01:20:49.000 That's beautiful, man.

01:20:50.000 It's not where you start, it's where you finish.

01:20:51.000 That is crazy.

01:20:53.000 You know, that's what the whole redemption is about in China.

01:20:56.000 You know, do what you can with your second chance.

01:20:58.000 That's why I just try to grind, man. 1.00

01:21:00.000 All this shit is a gift. 1.00

01:21:01.000 I could have been in prison. 1.00

01:21:02.000 This culture today does not want people to have redemption.

01:21:06.000 It's interesting.

01:21:06.000 This culture today wants people to be in trouble for things they did in the past.

01:21:10.000 You have to be who you were 30 years ago.

01:21:13.000 Yeah, we all go to church and ask for forgiveness every Sunday for an opportunity to be forgiven for...

01:21:34.000 I just think that it's all new.

01:21:36.000 And I think there'll be a...

01:21:40.000 I think it's all new.

01:21:41.000 I think there'll be a market correction at some point.

01:21:43.000 Because as a society, we are obsessed with who you were.

01:21:48.000 Credit reports, rental history, drug history, employment history.

01:21:54.000 You sit down with somebody and want to know your date and history.

01:21:57.000 Twitter is just racism history or your bad joke history.

01:22:03.000 It's...

01:22:04.000 It's an opportunity for the first time as a society to audit your past behavior when all we do is judge who you are now based on who you were.

01:22:13.000 That's what our society is established upon.

01:22:16.000 So that's why it doesn't feel so out of pocket to me that people are doing it. 0.90

01:22:20.000 It's like, oh, it's a new way to see if you or me, I can literally search your name plus a word and see if you said the word and then I will fucking make it. 0.94

01:22:27.000 It's no different than a fucking bankruptcy sitting on your record from... 0.95

01:22:31.000 I like how you described it as a market correction because I think that is what's going to happen. 0.98

01:22:35.000 We're going to understand that what we're doing now is kind of unsustainable. 0.75

01:22:38.000 Like going back and judging someone on some shit that happened in high school or whatever it was and trying to look at words you said when you're trying to make a joke like what happened with Kevin Hart. 0.76

01:22:47.000 And he apologized for it many times and then he's hosting the Oscar and they're like, look, 10 years ago he said this. 0.98

01:22:53.000 He's like, look, I'm not going to do this.

01:22:55.000 I'm not going to do this again.

01:22:56.000 I already apologized for those things.

01:22:57.000 I'm going to move on.

01:22:58.000 Sorry. 0.99

01:22:59.000 And the Oscars got fucked. 0.99

01:23:01.000 They wound up having no host now. 1.00

01:23:03.000 Did we get fucked? 1.00

01:23:04.000 Did the Oscars get fucked or did stand-ups get fucked? 0.99

01:23:06.000 Because the Emmys don't have a host now either. 0.99

01:23:08.000 Good.

01:23:09.000 Listen, comics shouldn't host that shit. 1.00

01:23:10.000 That was a comics gig. 1.00

01:23:11.000 That was a gig.

01:23:12.000 I love Sebastian.

01:23:13.000 I love Sebastian. 0.99

01:23:14.000 But Sebastian made me cry when I was looking at this fucking Video Music Award. 0.99

01:23:19.000 The VMAs, yeah. 1.00

01:23:20.000 He's hosting that shit. 1.00

01:23:21.000 And there's some thing. 1.00

01:23:22.000 That's what comics do.

01:23:23.000 We host. 1.00

01:23:24.000 We go get the shit. 1.00

01:23:25.000 We make the jokes nobody wants to make. 1.00

01:23:27.000 Sebastian sold Madison Square Garden out four times.

01:23:32.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:23:33.000 The fuck is he doing hosting the Video Music Awards? 0.99

01:23:35.000 He want to sell it out six. 0.99

01:23:37.000 I don't think that's going to do it.

01:23:38.000 I'm just saying.

01:23:39.000 Why else do it?

01:23:40.000 Why else do it?

01:23:41.000 Let me show it to you before you cast any judgment.

01:23:44.000 Go to Sebastian's page.

01:23:45.000 There's a thing where he's asking Jimmy Kimmel how to do it.

01:23:49.000 It's like, don't.

01:23:50.000 Get out! 0.98

01:23:51.000 Get out! 1.00

01:23:51.000 Of course they're forcing him to do a bunch of shit that's not on brand for him. 1.00

01:23:57.000 No, it's not on brand for anybody. 1.00

01:23:58.000 It's terrible. 1.00

01:24:00.000 Who else is going to roast that shit? 1.00

01:24:02.000 Who else is going to show up? 1.00

01:24:03.000 He's not going to roast it.

01:24:04.000 He's a nice guy. 1.00

01:24:06.000 Sebastian's not going to roast shit. 0.99

01:24:07.000 Look, if you got... 1.00

01:24:08.000 I don't know.

01:24:08.000 In the first promo, he roasted himself for even being there in the first place.

01:24:13.000 Yeah, that's okay.

01:24:14.000 So if he roasts himself...

01:24:15.000 Ricky Gervais roasts people.

01:24:16.000 Like, if Ricky Gervais was hosting something, that's different.

01:24:19.000 Yeah, that's totally different.

01:24:20.000 And they all get mad at him, and he goes after everybody.

01:24:22.000 That's his brand.

01:24:23.000 He is cutthroat. 1.00

01:24:24.000 Yeah, shit's on everybody. 1.00

01:24:25.000 Including himself. 1.00

01:24:26.000 I don't know.

01:24:27.000 I've always enjoyed comics being able to have that to just go to.

01:24:31.000 If you look at the history of the Oscars, it's almost always stand-ups. 0.97

01:24:35.000 A lot of times, I just don't give a fuck about award shows. 0.98

01:24:38.000 See, there it is. 0.99

01:24:39.000 See, that's the truth.

01:24:40.000 That's the real truth.

01:24:41.000 It's not even the award host. 0.98

01:24:44.000 It's, why the fuck are we doing this thing? 0.97

01:24:46.000 But that's like you would see Chris Rock prepare for these award shows. 1.00

01:24:49.000 I'm like, you're crazy. 0.98

01:24:49.000 Chris Rock! 0.98

01:24:51.000 You couldn't pay me to come anywhere near one of those stupid fucking shows if I was Chris Rock. 1.00

01:24:56.000 Chris Rock walked out at the NAACP Awards and did a Jussie Smollett joke. 1.00

01:25:01.000 I saw it!

01:25:03.000 Nobody else is going to give you that.

01:25:05.000 See how you're laughing? 1.00

01:25:06.000 Look at you enjoying that shit. 1.00

01:25:07.000 That's different. 1.00

01:25:08.000 No other comic is going to give you that.

01:25:10.000 That's true.

01:25:10.000 What is the worst possible thing that can be said in this room full of black people that hold him and that show sacred?

01:25:16.000 And he fucking said it. 1.00

01:25:18.000 He went right to it. 1.00

01:25:19.000 He went right to it.

01:25:20.000 I don't think Kevin would have done it.

01:25:22.000 No, Kevin would have done that.

01:25:23.000 Kevin would have done that at the Oscars.

01:25:25.000 Eddie Murphy would have done it.

01:25:26.000 Did you see Eddie Murphy when he did that, when he got that award, he went after Bill Cosby?

01:25:29.000 Yeah, a little jab.

01:25:30.000 It was just a quick little silent jab.

01:25:33.000 But it was great.

01:25:34.000 It was great when he's talking about them making him giving back his awards.

01:25:39.000 Wait, does who come back from that?

01:25:42.000 Oh, it's Jussie Smollett.

01:25:43.000 You can't, right?

01:25:44.000 Yeah, you can come back from that.

01:25:45.000 Really?

01:25:46.000 Black people are the most forgiving genre of people.

01:25:49.000 R. Kelly still sells tickets.

01:25:52.000 I mean, not right now.

01:25:53.000 Not right now.

01:25:54.000 He did come back hard, though.

01:25:56.000 That is amazing.

01:25:57.000 R. Kelly sold tickets the entire time.

01:25:59.000 Everybody saw the piss tape.

01:26:00.000 He had supporters at his arraignment in Brooklyn.

01:26:03.000 Yes, I saw it. 0.59

01:26:04.000 Black women. 1.00

01:26:04.000 Big fat ones. 1.00

01:26:05.000 Yeah, black aunties. 1.00

01:26:06.000 Out there. 0.98

01:26:07.000 That's my baby.

01:26:08.000 So if you're telling me Justin Smollett can come back from telling a lie on the street of Chicago and faking a whooping...

01:26:13.000 He's not as good as R. Kelly, though.

01:26:13.000 He's not as good as R. Kelly, but he can get cast in some Jesus movie and redemption, and it'll parallel.

01:26:20.000 He's still not admitting that anything happened.

01:26:21.000 The problem is that the people that could give him the redemption are some of the people whose trust he betrayed.

01:26:27.000 That's the problem, is that you start looking at the Lee Daniels and the Tyler Perrys and...

01:26:31.000 You know, maybe the Ava DuVernay's and the people that are in that world of black cinema that could get them back in into whatever this crossover mainstream world is.

01:26:39.000 Right.

01:26:40.000 So it's about earning that trust again.

01:26:41.000 But I think there's no, and I'm just saying from personal experience, you know, there's no group of people more forgiving than, I think, black entertainment.

01:26:51.000 I don't think they're ever going to forgive him for calling himself the gay Tupac.

01:26:54.000 I don't think gay people would forgive him for that. 1.00

01:26:58.000 And that's for gay people to decide. 1.00

01:26:59.000 I know Tupac fans, but they're like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

01:27:04.000 What the fuck did you just say? 0.99

01:27:07.000 Yeah, he's gone. 1.00

01:27:08.000 But then you sit down on somebody's couch and you go, yeah, that was the old me and the new me now.

01:27:13.000 And then you come out with your wife, you do some selfies on Instagram kissing.

01:27:16.000 Yeah, but he's not going to have a wife.

01:27:19.000 He's going to have his boyfriend.

01:27:20.000 Husband.

01:27:20.000 Okay, fine.

01:27:21.000 Whatever it is, come out and be happy and normal in some level of attrition.

01:27:27.000 He would have to explain the whole thought process for putting on the hoax, why he kept the noose on his neck, who was talking to the cops while he was holding a subway.

01:27:37.000 Yes.

01:27:38.000 You got to get drunk through the mud.

01:27:39.000 Yeah.

01:27:40.000 Come on out, get this dragon, and then get back to work. 0.94

01:27:42.000 And nobody's going to care.

01:27:44.000 Five, ten years from now, nobody's going to care.

01:27:45.000 Is he a good actor?

01:27:46.000 I thought he was fine on Empire.

01:27:47.000 Empire wasn't my cup of tea after a couple of seasons, but I mean, it was a fine show.

01:27:51.000 It was entertaining, well acted. 0.98

01:27:52.000 I never looked at him like, oh my god, this is fucking... 0.99

01:27:55.000 It's not like I was looking at some self-produced Netflix movie where I go, how the fuck did this get online? 0.99

01:28:00.000 He's still saying that he didn't do anything, right? 0.97

01:28:02.000 He's still saying that he actually got mugged.

01:28:04.000 I haven't kept up with it.

01:28:06.000 That's one of those stories where after he got cleared the first time, I quit clicking the links.

01:28:11.000 And then the city of Chicago started suing.

01:28:13.000 When the city of Chicago decided to sue him...

01:28:16.000 For the cost of the investigative item done. 0.98

01:28:19.000 There's just certain shit I don't click on anymore in Jesse Smalley stories. 0.97

01:28:23.000 Is he in a new movie? 0.99

01:28:24.000 I don't want to read it.

01:28:26.000 That's the only thing I need to know.

01:28:27.000 Yeah, I get it.

01:28:29.000 I think, I honestly feel like there is a way back.

01:28:32.000 Marv Albert was biting people on the back.

01:28:36.000 He's wearing a dress.

01:28:37.000 So, there's a way back in entertainment.

01:28:40.000 There's always a way back. 0.97

01:28:41.000 Do you think there's a way back for, what's his face from the fucking, what's his name? 0.98

01:28:47.000 Matt Lauer. 0.97

01:28:48.000 Is there a way back for that guy?

01:28:50.000 Ooh, I don't know about that one.

01:28:52.000 That's white women. 1.00

01:29:08.000 That's the narrative, but apparently all those executives had that button.

01:29:12.000 They all had that button to lock the door. 0.99

01:29:14.000 But did they use it to grab the ass? 1.00

01:29:15.000 I bet they did. 1.00

01:29:18.000 I bet a lot of them are sweating out right now.

01:29:23.000 Is there a way back from Matt Lauer?

01:29:25.000 I don't know if it is.

01:29:26.000 It's a long road, bro.

01:29:27.000 You know what the problem with Matt Lauer is?

01:29:28.000 I was talking about this last night.

01:29:30.000 No, definitely Smollett.

01:29:31.000 Has he owned any of it?

01:29:32.000 Here's the problem.

01:29:33.000 He doesn't do anything.

01:29:35.000 He doesn't do anything that a regular person can't do.

01:29:37.000 He just talks to people.

01:29:39.000 He doesn't do anything.

01:29:40.000 He doesn't sing.

01:29:41.000 He doesn't tell jokes.

01:29:42.000 He can't paint.

01:29:43.000 So he's replacing it.

01:29:44.000 He's not making motorcycles.

01:29:45.000 Yeah.

01:29:45.000 What do you do that's so awesome?

01:29:47.000 He doesn't do anything that everybody can't do.

01:29:50.000 Everything he does, anyone can do.

01:29:52.000 He's talking to people.

01:29:53.000 That's all he does.

01:29:54.000 He's like, Hi, I'm Matt Lauer with Good Morning America. 0.99

01:29:57.000 Whatever the fuck the show was. 0.98

01:29:59.000 Today. 0.99

01:29:59.000 So today's show. 0.99

01:30:00.000 Hello.

01:30:01.000 How are you?

01:30:02.000 He's just talking.

01:30:03.000 And he's talking as bland and non-spicy as possible, but in the background.

01:30:09.000 So you think he's...

01:30:10.000 Because they replaced him.

01:30:11.000 Was it Carson Daly?

01:30:12.000 Was that kind of who they used for a while on Today?

01:30:15.000 Did they?

01:30:15.000 I don't know why I'm asking you.

01:30:16.000 I know you don't watch this shit in the morning. 0.99

01:30:18.000 It's Carson Daly. 1.00

01:30:19.000 Me and my girl have this shit on. 1.00

01:30:20.000 No, Carson Daly had that one show that was on forever. 1.00

01:30:22.000 Yeah, last call.

01:30:23.000 It aired at like 1 o'clock in the morning that no one watched, but it stayed on.

01:30:27.000 He's been part of the morning show for a long time, too.

01:30:29.000 What?

01:30:30.000 Yeah, he's been in the mix.

01:30:33.000 Oh, I didn't know.

01:30:34.000 I thought you were making that up.

01:30:37.000 No, no.

01:30:38.000 Matter of fact, they just turned Last Call over to a new host.

01:30:41.000 They gave it to Lilly Singh.

01:30:44.000 So there's...

01:30:45.000 I don't know.

01:30:48.000 Because here's the thing.

01:30:49.000 For there to be a path back, there has to be, what does redemption and ownership of whatever you've been accused of look like?

01:30:57.000 Right.

01:31:04.000 Is it about your truth or is it about the truth of your accusers or is it about what society perceives you as?

01:31:12.000 Right.

01:31:13.000 Or the combination of those things.

01:31:14.000 Correct. 1.00

01:31:15.000 Because if you don't believe, if you don't agree with what your accusers said to you, then you're already fucked. 0.98

01:31:21.000 Because that's part of the redemption is respecting their truth. 0.98

01:31:26.000 Even if it's not true to you and it's not what you believe happened and what went down when you hit the shutout.

01:31:31.000 Like you did to the teacher.

01:31:34.000 Correct.

01:31:35.000 Similar.

01:31:35.000 Correct.

01:31:36.000 It's just, hey, I'm sorry.

01:31:39.000 Right.

01:31:39.000 Now, granted, I don't know if Matt Lowry would be saying that sincerely.

01:31:42.000 I was sincerely like, look, what can I do to show attrition to move back?

01:31:46.000 Because now, even if you've had that with your accusers, society at large still gets to decide.

01:31:52.000 Because the same way society decides who wears the crown, they get to decide who to take the crown from.

01:31:58.000 Sure. 0.99

01:31:58.000 And there's shit you can do about that. 0.99

01:32:00.000 Right. 0.98

01:32:00.000 So, I mean, that's... 0.98

01:32:02.000 In a fucked up way, that's the game. 0.96

01:32:04.000 I hope he saved up enough money. 0.98

01:32:06.000 He saved up enough money.

01:32:07.000 He was making ungodly sums of money. 1.00

01:32:10.000 Well, then fucking go spend your money. 1.00

01:32:11.000 Just relax. 1.00

01:32:12.000 Go spend your money.

01:32:14.000 That's ego.

01:32:14.000 But that's ego in feeling like, I deserve to be.

01:32:18.000 You took it and give it back. 1.00

01:32:20.000 Goddammit, I'm entitled to the fucking employment. 1.00

01:32:23.000 It's also you get used to that gig of being that guy who's on TV. Hello. 0.99

01:32:28.000 Good morning, everyone.

01:32:29.000 Welcome to the Today Show.

01:32:31.000 Today we have Tom Cruise.

01:32:33.000 I'll never forget him and Tom Cruise arguing over whether or not Brooke Shields should take antidepressants.

01:32:38.000 That's a real clip.

01:32:40.000 So crazy.

01:32:41.000 Yeah, they're arguing over it.

01:32:43.000 It's so strange.

01:32:44.000 Him and Matt Lauer and Tom Cruise.

01:32:46.000 And Tom Cruise is telling Matt Lauer he's being glib.

01:32:49.000 You're being glib, Matt.

01:32:50.000 You're being glib.

01:32:51.000 Because Matt, you know, Tom Cruise is like, he's a Scientologist.

01:32:55.000 And they don't believe in pharmaceutical drugs.

01:32:58.000 They don't believe in antidepressants or psychiatry.

01:33:00.000 There it is, right there.

01:33:01.000 There's the two of them.

01:33:03.000 And Matt Lauer's got that.

01:33:04.000 I'm thinking, because I'm holding a pen and pieces of paper.

01:33:07.000 War of the Worlds.

01:33:08.000 That's early aughts.

01:33:09.000 Yeah, man.

01:33:10.000 It was a big deal.

01:33:11.000 It was a big deal.

01:33:12.000 It fucked Tom Cruise's career up for a long time. 1.00

01:33:15.000 There's people like, this guy's a fucking nut. 1.00

01:33:18.000 Why are they talking about somebody else's business, though? 1.00

01:33:20.000 Because he had talked about it publicly.

01:33:23.000 He had talked about the mistake that she's making by taking antidepressants.

01:33:28.000 Okay, so yeah.

01:33:29.000 Then that's all in the game.

01:33:31.000 Well, psychiatry is the enemy of Scientology.

01:33:35.000 They have all these big signs that psychiatry kills.

01:33:38.000 And it's like someone with an electric...

01:33:43.000 It's like in Hollywood.

01:33:45.000 They're on this crusade against psychiatry.

01:33:50.000 It's like a big part of what Scientology is.

01:33:52.000 The thing that makes me laugh is that I don't see a lot of Southern Scientologists.

01:33:57.000 I don't see a lot of Scientologists.

01:33:59.000 Florida, the big things in Clearwater.

01:34:01.000 That's the number one headquarters in Clearwater.

01:34:04.000 My sister lives down there.

01:34:05.000 She lives real close to where the headquarters is. 0.98

01:34:09.000 It's fucking weird down there, man. 0.98

01:34:10.000 Everybody just, they're all walking like they got a secret. 0.99

01:34:14.000 Do you think in this society, do you think Scientology will be the last religion created?

01:34:20.000 When you really think about how recent Scientology is, it's like the 1940s or 50s or somewhere.

01:34:28.000 It's roughly the same age as, I don't know, United Airlines, Delta Airlines.

01:34:34.000 It's not an old religion.

01:34:36.000 We have videos of the guy who made it.

01:34:38.000 Will that be the last religion that is created? 0.87

01:34:42.000 No.

01:34:42.000 Because every other religion is like old school, centuries and millennia is old.

01:34:47.000 No, there'll be new ones.

01:34:48.000 The interesting thing is they're probably the last ones to get tax exempt status.

01:34:53.000 Because their tax-exempt status is being questioned right now.

01:34:56.000 There's people that are very angry about it.

01:34:58.000 But they did it because they all started lawsuits against the IRS, and they started thousands of lawsuits.

01:35:04.000 The idea was that they were going to sue the IRS into recognizing them as a legitimate religion.

01:35:11.000 And the way to do that was just overwhelm them with litigation.

01:35:15.000 And that's what they did, right?

01:35:17.000 They're still doing.

01:35:18.000 That's what they did.

01:35:18.000 Then they achieved tax-exempt status a long time ago.

01:35:22.000 It's a very strange...

01:35:24.000 Did you ever read Going Clear?

01:35:26.000 I saw the doc.

01:35:27.000 The HBO thing?

01:35:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:35:29.000 The doc is great. 0.67

01:35:30.000 The book is even crazier because Lawrence Wright goes into depth with all these different people as they were realizing that it was horseshit.

01:35:37.000 As they were getting the ninth level of doom papers.

01:35:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:41.000 It's handwritten nonsense by a retard. 1.00

01:35:44.000 That guy who wrote it, he was self-diagnosing all of his own personal ailments and dealing with them himself and then trying to pass that off as a way to live amongst all these people that were paying attention to him. 0.99

01:36:01.000 But all of it started from him self-diagnosing. 0.98

01:36:04.000 Is it natural for Scientologists, and I only know what I know from that doc and Leah Remini, Lifetime shit. 0.99

01:36:13.000 Is it natural to not be, like the way a Christian is just openly Christian. 0.99

01:36:17.000 Just, hey, how you doing?

01:36:18.000 The Lord loves you.

01:36:19.000 I'm here to tell you about Jesus.

01:36:20.000 I don't really feel like you get that from Scientologists.

01:36:23.000 And watching that doc, I didn't know the dude from Chicago PD used to be the gritty detective guy. 0.96

01:36:31.000 Oh, damn, I didn't know you used to be a Scientologist. 1.00

01:36:34.000 Like you never find out that somebody was into that shit until after they're out of it. 1.00

01:36:38.000 Now I think people keep it tucked in. 1.00

01:36:41.000 It's not like Mormons where they're riding the bikes and you know what the fuck the deal is. 1.00

01:36:44.000 Right. 0.99

01:36:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:36:45.000 Now they keep it tucked in.

01:36:47.000 But I think back in the day they used to talk about it as openly as possible.

01:36:50.000 They would proselytize.

01:36:51.000 They'd try to get you to join.

01:36:54.000 But how?

01:36:55.000 Just try to get people to come to these events.

01:36:59.000 Try to get people to come to these free workshops.

01:37:02.000 All these different things on anxiety.

01:37:05.000 Different things on the mind.

01:37:06.000 Dianetics.

01:37:07.000 That's what he decided to write about.

01:37:09.000 Dianetics.

01:37:10.000 And it's like the science of cleaning your mind and avoiding all external influences that are negative and that are ruining your perspective.

01:37:19.000 Used to be commercials for that in the 80s and 90s.

01:37:21.000 Yeah, man, I bought it.

01:37:22.000 I bought a Dinex book and I got it on a list.

01:37:25.000 With the volcano exploding in the commercial. 1.00

01:37:27.000 I remember that shit. 1.00

01:37:28.000 I bought everything, man. 1.00

01:37:28.000 I bought Tony Robbins shit. 1.00

01:37:30.000 I bought Book of Five Rings. 1.00

01:37:33.000 I bought fucking Art of War. 0.99

01:37:35.000 I bought everything. 0.99

01:37:35.000 I was just trying to figure out, like, what's the best? 0.99

01:37:37.000 I was into psychology when I was young because I was fighting all the time and I was always scared.

01:37:41.000 So I was trying to figure out, there's got to be a way to overcome these mental hurdles.

01:37:46.000 For martial arts competition, the big thing was the fear.

01:37:50.000 It wasn't your physical ability wasn't as much of a hurdle as the fear.

01:37:55.000 You know, the fear of competition was terrible, so I was like, but sometimes I'd feel confident, and it'd be great, and other times I'd be fucking terrified, and like, well, I've got to figure out how to be consistent.

01:38:07.000 So I started getting into all that kind of stuff, and then when I came to L.A., it was like in 94, I saw a Dianetics commercial. 0.98

01:38:14.000 I said, fuck it, I'll order that. 0.96

01:38:15.000 So I got this book. 1.00

01:38:16.000 Find the way, the questions you seek the answers to.

01:38:19.000 Here it is.

01:38:20.000 Can words said during an operation harm you later?

01:38:22.000 Page 182. Is it possible to increase intelligence?

01:38:26.000 Page 122. I was like, oh my god.

01:38:28.000 It was a good ad.

01:38:29.000 Yeah, look at that.

01:38:29.000 Dun, dun, dun.

01:38:31.000 Dianetics. 1.00

01:38:32.000 Bro, I'm going to be like a fucking volcano. 1.00

01:38:35.000 I'm going to take over. 0.99

01:38:36.000 Yeah, I was like thinking that I was going to be able to figure out all my mental problems through this book.

01:38:42.000 And then I got on the list.

01:38:43.000 And like every week I got some new workshop to go to or this.

01:38:48.000 So they're just mailers?

01:38:50.000 Mail, just mail.

01:38:51.000 This is the 90s. 1.00

01:38:52.000 That's all they did was just mail you shit. 1.00

01:38:54.000 But oh my god, I got so... 1.00

01:38:55.000 Come to this, sign up for this.

01:38:57.000 It wasn't until I moved.

01:38:58.000 One of the reasons why when I moved, I didn't forward my mail.

01:39:01.000 I contacted all the companies because of Dianetics. 0.99

01:39:04.000 I'd get so much shit from them. 0.99

01:39:08.000 Really? 1.00

01:39:08.000 That was the fucking... 1.00

01:39:09.000 That much shit? 1.00

01:39:10.000 It was so much shit. 1.00

01:39:11.000 It was like letter after letter after letter. 1.00

01:39:13.000 More than like the grocery store?

01:39:14.000 Also, it started freaking me out that they knew where I was.

01:39:17.000 Like, it bothered me.

01:39:18.000 It bothered me.

01:39:19.000 Like, it bothered me that I was on a list.

01:39:21.000 I was on a list of someone who bought the book but didn't go to any classes and they knew where I was.

01:39:25.000 Like, maybe I could get them.

01:39:26.000 Maybe they...

01:39:27.000 If we just knock on his door, hey, do you want to clean up your brain?

01:39:30.000 Hey, come on, we've got the solution.

01:39:32.000 Don't you want to be a volcano?

01:39:33.000 No.

01:39:34.000 That's scary, bro.

01:39:35.000 Yeah.

01:39:35.000 That's scary.

01:39:36.000 Well, a lot of people get sucked into that, man.

01:39:38.000 I met quite a few people that were Scientologists.

01:39:40.000 I was into some of the, I call it the you-can-do-it motivational stuff.

01:39:46.000 I remember in high school, our JROTC commander, he used to make us watch this guy.

01:39:52.000 I think his name was Bob Mowad.

01:39:55.000 Mowad?

01:39:55.000 M-O-W-A-D, Bob Mowad, if I'm not mistaken.

01:39:58.000 He was a Vietnam vet and survived a terrible white phosphorus grenade accident or something. 0.98

01:40:04.000 Got fucked up real bad in Vietnam, but was now doing motivational speaking. 0.91

01:40:07.000 And once a month, we would watch videos of this dude. 0.99

01:40:11.000 And it just starts in a way, like if you're getting to one, you can kind of start getting in line with the next and the next.

01:40:17.000 And I think before you know it, that's when you're into Dianetics land.

01:40:20.000 Before you realize.

01:40:21.000 Like you can find someone that's meaningful with a meaningful message. 0.98

01:40:24.000 And then as you progress more and more, it's like, alright, I agree with less and less of each author that I'm starting to fuck with. 0.83

01:40:32.000 And so it ended up Bob Mowat and then I think Dave Ramsey. 1.00

01:40:35.000 Oh, financial shit. 1.00

01:40:37.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:40:38.000 Well, when I was 21 and I was first starting to do comedy, that's when I was really devouring as much of it as possible.

01:40:44.000 Because I was trying to figure out how to not be so lazy, how to be motivated, how to get shit done, and how to find the correct path and think about things correctly.

01:40:54.000 And so that's when I really got into Anthony Robbins.

01:40:57.000 So it's like the mind exercise.

01:40:58.000 Yeah.

01:40:59.000 I would follow all those personal power. 0.77

01:41:02.000 You had workshops that you would do, like notebooks and shit, fill out and things to talk about and things to concentrate on. 0.91

01:41:09.000 If you did do it, it would help you. 0.99

01:41:11.000 But really what it's all about is just getting your shit together and moving. 0.98

01:41:14.000 Just go do something. 0.99

01:41:16.000 Like what you did by taking a job when you would show up at a gig and you'd be working there Tuesday through Sunday and then take a day job and work nine to five.

01:41:24.000 That is more hustle and more hustle mindset than anything you're ever going to get out of an Anthony Robbins book.

01:41:30.000 Like that is like just doing it.

01:41:32.000 Just doing it makes you do more. 1.00

01:41:34.000 Like do more hard shit makes you do more hard shit. 1.00

01:41:37.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:41:37.000 Understanding that you want it bad, so you're willing to put into work and do things you don't want to do. 0.99

01:41:41.000 It's what makes you have that confidence that you know how to push through. 0.98

01:41:46.000 And the mentality that I'm the type of dude to get shit done. 0.99

01:41:49.000 Like, I'm not going to waste my day just sitting around a fucking hotel room. 0.99

01:41:52.000 No, I'm going to go to work. 0.99

01:41:53.000 I'm going to work all day.

01:41:54.000 I'm going to drive five hours and keep that radio gig. 1.00

01:41:57.000 And then drive five hours and spend ten hours of the fucking 24 in a day in a goddamn car to do gigs. 0.99

01:42:04.000 Ford Focus. 1.00

01:42:05.000 Just to do gigs.

01:42:06.000 Keep that radio gig.

01:42:07.000 Those things are...

01:42:09.000 I had a guy on yesterday, this guy Dan Crenshaw.

01:42:11.000 He's a congressman.

01:42:12.000 He's also a Navy SEAL. We were talking about mentality.

01:42:16.000 I'm like, when you went through BUDS, do they teach you how to think or do they show you by example?

01:42:22.000 They don't teach you how to think.

01:42:23.000 They just show you.

01:42:24.000 They harden you through all that work. 0.70

01:42:26.000 And through all that work, through that insane hell week, all the shit that you have to do when you're going through BUDS training, the six months of breaking you down and building you back up, they teach you you can do anything. 0.76

01:42:37.000 Just by making you do anything. 0.91

01:42:39.000 So you will understand how you can pass your limits.

01:42:44.000 What you thought your limits were are no longer your limits.

01:42:47.000 That's what I feel like is missing from a lot of people that are getting into motivational this and motivational that. 0.98

01:42:52.000 They ain't doing shit. 0.98

01:42:53.000 You gotta go do something.

01:42:55.000 That's the number one thing, right? 0.99

01:42:58.000 It's fucking action. 0.99

01:42:59.000 Take action. 0.99

01:43:00.000 Do you believe that people that aren't as successful as you think they should be are qualified to be motivational speakers?

01:43:07.000 No.

01:43:08.000 No.

01:43:09.000 There's a lot of that.

01:43:10.000 Yeah, most people who are doing motivational speaking should stop.

01:43:14.000 They should stop.

01:43:15.000 You're just robbing people.

01:43:16.000 You're not even motivated yourself.

01:43:18.000 Like, I want to wake you up at 3 o'clock in the morning and go, come on, man, we're going running.

01:43:21.000 Like, I want to see what you do when you're tired.

01:43:23.000 Let me see how you push yourself.

01:43:25.000 Come on, man.

01:43:26.000 Get up.

01:43:26.000 Get up again tomorrow.

01:43:27.000 Get up again tomorrow.

01:43:28.000 Get up again tomorrow.

01:43:29.000 The next day.

01:43:29.000 Get up.

01:43:30.000 Get up.

01:43:31.000 Get up.

01:43:31.000 Keep going.

01:43:31.000 How long can you maintain a positive attitude?

01:43:33.000 Where's all this teaching? 1.00

01:43:35.000 You're teaching people you can't do shit yourself. 0.99

01:43:37.000 You need to show people that you can do it. 0.99

01:43:40.000 The best motivational speakers to me are guys like David Goggins.

01:43:44.000 Because that guy that's in that coin right there.

01:43:48.000 That guy does it every day.

01:43:50.000 And he's got videos.

01:43:51.000 He just did a 100 mile race the other day.

01:43:52.000 Put up the results on Instagram.

01:43:55.000 You can see him showing up 22 hours after the race starts.

01:43:58.000 He finishes 100 miles.

01:44:00.000 Those type of people.

01:44:02.000 Have you ever seen Goggins' Instagram page?

01:44:05.000 No, but this is insane. 1.00

01:44:06.000 Bro, he's a fucking animal. 1.00

01:44:08.000 This motherfucker got abs on a coin. 1.00

01:44:10.000 He's an animal. 1.00

01:44:11.000 You chisel them.

01:44:12.000 He's got the world record chin-ups in 24 hours.

01:44:16.000 He did some preposterous number of chin-ups.

01:44:18.000 What's that?

01:44:19.000 I believe he was beat recently.

01:44:20.000 Somebody beat him?

01:44:21.000 I think so.

01:44:22.000 Not for long.

01:44:23.000 Yeah, he'll probably come back.

01:44:25.000 But it's those type of people, those are real motivational speakers because they're actually doing something.

01:44:31.000 There's a lot of people that are teaching you motivation.

01:44:33.000 They don't have a business.

01:44:35.000 Their business is motivation.

01:44:37.000 Like, it's a weird business.

01:44:39.000 It's like...

01:44:41.000 It's like teaching someone how to drive a race car and you never drove one.

01:44:44.000 But see, that's why, and that goes back to the whole, for me, the whole New York versus L.A. thing in terms of comics.

01:44:50.000 You just be around other comics that are just doing.

01:44:53.000 Like, when you see Dave Attell, like, you'll see Dave Attell in February.

01:44:57.000 You'll see him do 20 minutes, right?

01:44:59.000 And then you'll see him in March.

01:45:00.000 You'll see him do a totally different 20. And then you'll see him three months later.

01:45:04.000 And he's taking two pieces of the five minutes from those first 20 and put it with a new killer fucking 30. Right? 0.99

01:45:11.000 And I go, what happened to the 20?

01:45:12.000 Oh yeah, that stuff wasn't tight enough, but this joke, this isn't. 0.88

01:45:16.000 And when he breaks down why that joke that you love doesn't even fucking matter to him.

01:45:22.000 Because it was to get to this. 0.75

01:45:25.000 Like that.

01:45:26.000 You can't teach that. 0.99

01:45:27.000 You can't explain it, but you can show it, and then I can go home and go, fuck, I need to write. 0.99

01:45:30.000 I need to go back and look at my old shit and figure out a way. 0.99

01:45:33.000 David Tell is one of the rare guys that became an alcoholic, sobered up, and got better. 0.99

01:45:41.000 Right? 0.97

01:45:41.000 Like usually the guys who are drunk are fucking hilarious and then they stop drinking and they get boring. 0.97

01:45:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:45:48.000 He got the opposite.

01:45:49.000 He became a way better comic.

01:45:51.000 Tighter and just punchlines.

01:45:53.000 People say that about Eminem.

01:45:55.000 They say that once he sobered up and went clean.

01:45:57.000 He's better?

01:45:58.000 No, that he was worse.

01:45:59.000 Yeah.

01:46:00.000 That's what usually happens.

01:46:01.000 That's what happens to everybody.

01:46:02.000 It happened to Kinison.

01:46:03.000 It happened to Bill Hicks.

01:46:04.000 It happened to everybody.

01:46:05.000 I never had.

01:46:06.000 Not necessarily Hicks.

01:46:08.000 I never had alcohol, a love for alcohol.

01:46:11.000 Like, I'll drink here and there. 0.97

01:46:12.000 But I used to get pissed in my 20s when I would go on stage drunk or tipsy or whatever the fuck. 0.92

01:46:18.000 And then after the show, people would give the liquor credit for me being funny. 0.96

01:46:22.000 And it used to offend me.

01:46:23.000 So that's why I stopped drinking.

01:46:26.000 Wow. 0.99

01:46:26.000 Who the fuck gave credit to the liquor? 0.99

01:46:28.000 You're so funny when you're drunk. 1.00

01:46:29.000 This is funny.

01:46:30.000 You should drink more.

01:46:31.000 You know how in these road rooms, they'll send you shots.

01:46:34.000 Right.

01:46:35.000 Because you're on stage with Jack, and they've associated that as part of the...

01:46:38.000 Also, you lose control of the audience. 0.98

01:46:40.000 At least I do when I'm up there drinking, because they send a shot, someone else sends a shot, and now it's a fucking big... 0.99

01:46:46.000 It's a pep rally instead of a performance. 0.98

01:46:49.000 Yeah, when people are sending you shots, that's a disaster.

01:46:52.000 That's a disaster because then everybody wants to send you shots.

01:46:54.000 Yeah, but then what am I doing in my performance that made someone think it was cool to do that and that that would make this experience better for everybody?

01:47:00.000 You're doing a Burt Kreischer.

01:47:02.000 You turn it into a party.

01:47:03.000 Take your shirt off.

01:47:04.000 Put that in my style. 1.00

01:47:05.000 I need y'all to shut the fuck up so I can get this chisel shit out of my mouth. 1.00

01:47:11.000 So it totally changed how I, you know, and also alcohol makes me sleepy, and then it was too much driving in the 20s and stuff, so I can't be drowsy-headed at home. 0.99

01:47:21.000 So, I don't know, it was just never my thing.

01:47:23.000 Yeah, it's a tricky one, man, because, like, one drink will loosen you up.

01:47:27.000 Two drinks. 0.60

01:47:30.000 Now we're getting a little silly.

01:47:31.000 Three drinks. 0.90

01:47:32.000 Now you're kind of drunk.

01:47:34.000 And you can still do it, but is it as good as one drink?

01:47:38.000 No, it's not.

01:47:39.000 But once you get one drink and you get happy, you want another drink. 1.00

01:47:41.000 Fuck it, I'll have another one! 1.00

01:47:42.000 And the next thing you know, you're a little drunk. 1.00

01:47:45.000 And you're on stage.

01:47:47.000 I'm at that age now. 0.80

01:47:48.000 I can't remember what comic did a joke like this, but maybe a couple of them, where before you drink, you have to look at your schedule for the next day and a half to make sure you have the bounce back and recovery and all that shit.

01:48:01.000 It's not just, can I go out Friday?

01:48:02.000 It's, what am I doing Saturday and Sunday?

01:48:04.000 But you're a goal-oriented guy, it seems like.

01:48:07.000 For goal-oriented people, the alcohol is one of the biggest impediments.

01:48:10.000 You know the craziest thing?

01:48:11.000 The only thing I've never been able to make proper time for in my career is exercise.

01:48:15.000 Really?

01:48:16.000 Yeah.

01:48:16.000 Why not?

01:48:16.000 I'm not good about exercise.

01:48:18.000 Just hire a trainer. 0.99

01:48:19.000 You've got money.

01:48:20.000 Because that's still...

01:48:21.000 I don't have time.

01:48:22.000 There's the time.

01:48:23.000 And so in my brain, it's...

01:48:25.000 Well, when I was still living in LA, I had a trainer and I got to New York and then it's must do this, must write, must watch the video.

01:48:33.000 If I exercise, I will be too tired and then productivity will go down.

01:48:37.000 When I know deep down, when I exercise, I'm more creative. 0.99

01:48:40.000 The brain juices and shit work more. 0.97

01:48:43.000 But it's the only thing that I've never been able to like properly regiment in my life. 0.99

01:48:48.000 Well, this is how you fix that.

01:48:50.000 Force yourself.

01:48:51.000 We're in August, okay?

01:48:52.000 We have, what, six more days?

01:48:54.000 Seven more days in August?

01:48:55.000 Something like that?

01:48:56.000 What is today?

01:48:57.000 Ten more days.

01:48:58.000 Ten more days?

01:48:58.000 Say the 21st?

01:48:59.000 So we have ten more days in August. 0.97

01:49:01.000 You just say, at the end of this fucking month, I am going to have a trainer and I'm going to work out three days a week with that trainer. 0.98

01:49:09.000 Period. 0.99

01:49:09.000 This is how we're going to do it. 0.99

01:49:10.000 Write it down and then just get it done.

01:49:12.000 And force yourself.

01:49:13.000 For one month.

01:49:14.000 For one month.

01:49:14.000 For the month of September.

01:49:15.000 For that month, you have to work out three days a week.

01:49:18.000 And you write it down and then publicly state it so that you can't back out of it.

01:49:22.000 Put it on Twitter or put it on Instagram.

01:49:24.000 Take one of those shirtless pictures of my gut profile.

01:49:27.000 Just stand there. 0.66

01:49:28.000 Show everyone, let them clown me.

01:49:30.000 But if you do that, you'll force yourself to do it, and next thing you know, you've done it. 0.99

01:49:35.000 I have this dog that loves running, and so I make sure that if I don't take him running, he's always a pain in the ass, he's dropping the ball on the table, trying to get you to play. 0.97

01:49:45.000 He's a very energetic dog. 1.00

01:49:47.000 So, like, that motherfucker makes me run five days a week. 1.00

01:49:51.000 Five days a week, I get up, I'm like, come on, bro, let's go, let's go. 1.00

01:49:54.000 He goes crazy, starts running around in circles, and then we go hit the trails. 0.97

01:49:59.000 Is this the dog that you saw, what was it, was it a snake or some shit you ran over while you were jogging one day? 0.98

01:50:07.000 Oh, that was a different dog, yeah, that was a different dog. 0.99

01:50:09.000 Yeah, that was crazy, man.

01:50:11.000 I jumped over this log, and as I was jumping over this log, I'm like, that's a rattlesnake!

01:50:16.000 It was fat, dude, like my forearm. 0.99

01:50:18.000 I was like, fuck! 1.00

01:50:20.000 It's one of the biggest snakes I've ever seen in terms of rattlesnakes. 1.00

01:50:23.000 It was big, like six feet long.

01:50:25.000 Big. 1.00

01:50:25.000 That is a big fucking snake. 1.00

01:50:28.000 And it was just laying flat out on the road like a stick. 1.00

01:50:32.000 Just warming.

01:50:33.000 Yeah, and the dogs went right over it. 0.92

01:50:35.000 They didn't even notice it.

01:50:36.000 It was just completely flattened out.

01:50:38.000 I was literally in the air over it before I'm like, oh my god!

01:50:43.000 Yeah, that was a different one, man.

01:50:44.000 I've killed a bunch of rattlesnakes, man. 1.00

01:50:46.000 Always seeing those fuckers. 1.00

01:50:48.000 There was one in my neighborhood real recently where there was a video of a bobcat and We're good to go. 1.00

01:50:57.000 We're good to go.

01:51:10.000 What do we have down south?

01:51:12.000 We just had squirrels.

01:51:13.000 That's it.

01:51:14.000 That's only real pest. 0.99

01:51:15.000 Chupacabras. 1.00

01:51:15.000 Yeah, that shit. 1.00

01:51:17.000 You guys have coyotes now. 1.00

01:51:18.000 Coyotes are everywhere. 1.00

01:51:20.000 They have coyotes in every fucking state. 1.00

01:51:21.000 50 states. 1.00

01:51:22.000 Rednecks probably eating them, my fucking coyotes. 1.00

01:51:24.000 Oh yeah, for sure. 1.00

01:51:25.000 People eat coyotes.

01:51:26.000 There's someone eating a coyote right now. 0.68

01:51:28.000 Right now, while we're...

01:51:29.000 Someone listening to us right now.

01:51:30.000 Coyote jerky.

01:51:31.000 Not bad.

01:51:32.000 I guarantee you one of your listeners knows a person that makes coyote jerky.

01:51:35.000 Probably.

01:51:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:37.000 I'd try that shit. 1.00

01:51:38.000 My friend Steve Rinella, who's going to be here tomorrow, he cooked and ate a coyote on TV. They wanted to see what it tasted like. 1.00

01:51:45.000 Oh, look at this fucker. 0.99

01:51:47.000 It's on a trail near San Diego like a week ago. 1.00

01:51:49.000 The size of that fucker. 1.00

01:51:51.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:51:52.000 It's all curled up and ready to go, too. 0.99

01:51:55.000 We're too sprawled out as a society.

01:51:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:58.000 Well, these motherfuckers are everywhere, too. 1.00

01:51:59.000 And we need them, by the way. 1.00

01:52:01.000 Because that's why there's not as many rats and rabbits and shit. 0.99

01:52:04.000 It's a whole beautiful ecosystem out there. 0.98

01:52:07.000 Have you heard the number of rats they've found out are in L.A. recently?

01:52:10.000 I just saw a story about it last night.

01:52:11.000 It's disgustingly scary.

01:52:13.000 They're all at the Comedy Store.

01:52:14.000 12 million.

01:52:14.000 Over 12 million.

01:52:15.000 They're all at the Comedy Store.

01:52:16.000 All 12. And if they hit, there's about 1.5% of them that have disgusting diseases.

01:52:20.000 And instead, if it hits over 2%, it starts spreading into people.

01:52:24.000 Oh, great.

01:52:24.000 And so it's very close to that.

01:52:26.000 Oh, good times.

01:52:26.000 It's a bubonic plague.

01:52:27.000 Yeah, we gotta move, bro.

01:52:28.000 We gotta move to the mountains.

01:52:30.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

01:52:30.000 You can't fuck with rodents, bro. 1.00

01:52:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:32.000 Genetic code too simple. 1.00

01:52:34.000 They can fucking reproduce. 1.00

01:52:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:36.000 Sisters and moms.

01:52:37.000 Is that sisters and fathers and brothers?

01:52:39.000 Yeah.

01:52:40.000 Oh, no problem.

01:52:41.000 They have no problem.

01:52:41.000 Yeah, there's no mutation.

01:52:43.000 Is that true?

01:52:44.000 They don't have, like, inbreeding problems?

01:52:46.000 No, that's why they can...

01:52:47.000 Really?

01:52:48.000 Three months gestation.

01:52:50.000 Jesus Christ.

01:52:51.000 Three months.

01:52:52.000 Get me pregnant again. 0.99

01:52:53.000 Did you ever see that documentary on Netflix?

01:52:56.000 That rats documentary?

01:52:57.000 No.

01:52:57.000 Woo!

01:52:59.000 You ready for that one?

01:53:00.000 That's a good one.

01:53:01.000 Write that down.

01:53:02.000 That one's going to freak you out.

01:53:03.000 Because it details...

01:53:04.000 They catch some of them and they just run some tests on them.

01:53:07.000 And this is in suburban Atlanta. 0.99

01:53:09.000 And they find all kinds of crazy fucking diseases. 0.99

01:53:12.000 And they have Manhattan. 0.99

01:53:14.000 They show all these rats scrambling over garbage and into the sewer system.

01:53:18.000 And they show how smart they are.

01:53:20.000 How they'll send the young rats to test out poison.

01:53:22.000 And then the young rats will eat the poison and die.

01:53:25.000 And then the old rats are like, okay, we get it. 0.51

01:53:28.000 They're smart. 0.90

01:53:29.000 Adaptive.

01:53:30.000 Yeah, man.

01:53:30.000 They're clever.

01:53:31.000 I mean, they're the most prevalent mammal in any city.

01:53:35.000 You know, if you look at any city.

01:53:37.000 Just sheer numbers. 0.68

01:53:39.000 That's a hustler right there. 0.99

01:53:40.000 There's more rats in New York City than there are human beings. 0.87

01:53:44.000 I think there's more biomass of rats than there is biomass of human beings.

01:53:50.000 So, I mean, it's the weight.

01:53:51.000 Yeah, just the weight.

01:53:52.000 Yeah, just more.

01:53:52.000 Just the weight of, check to see if that's true.

01:53:54.000 Sheer volume.

01:53:55.000 I might have made that up.

01:53:57.000 But the biomass of, I mean, just the sheer numbers.

01:54:03.000 There's not another animal that you can think of that's like that.

01:54:06.000 What's the right estimate of anywhere between 8.4 million in 2014, all the way up to 33.6 million rats in New York City?

01:54:15.000 Jesus.

01:54:16.000 That's more than there are people, for sure.

01:54:18.000 Whoa, yeah.

01:54:19.000 Tri-straight's what, 18 million?

01:54:22.000 God. 0.99

01:54:24.000 God, rats. 0.99

01:54:25.000 Ugh.

01:54:27.000 The documentary is amazing, man.

01:54:29.000 They're vectors of diseases.

01:54:30.000 They've always been.

01:54:31.000 They've always been carrying diseases.

01:54:32.000 What's the number of rat infestation looking like in countries where they eat rats, though?

01:54:37.000 Interesting. 0.97

01:54:37.000 What's the disease fucking numbers? 0.97

01:54:38.000 Not a lot of countries eat rats. 1.00

01:54:41.000 You know what's the weirdest shit? 1.00

01:54:42.000 You ever seen those temples in India where they feed the rats? 1.00

01:54:44.000 The rats are everywhere?

01:54:46.000 Dude, that'll give you the heebie-jeebies.

01:54:47.000 These people are drinking out of, like, bowls of milk that the rats drink out of.

01:54:52.000 They, like, scoop it up.

01:54:53.000 They have all these rats, like, literally running over their body.

01:54:56.000 And the rats are sacred?

01:54:57.000 Or is it just, we respect this as your grip?

01:54:59.000 They feed the rats.

01:55:00.000 They feed them.

01:55:01.000 Look at this.

01:55:02.000 What do you got here, Jamie?

01:55:04.000 What is this?

01:55:04.000 Rat temple?

01:55:06.000 Speed up ahead so you can see what it's like when all the rats and the people are interacting.

01:55:09.000 Yeah.

01:55:10.000 Oh, there we go.

01:55:10.000 So they put out food for the rats, and the rats, you could pick them up.

01:55:14.000 I mean, the rats have zero fear of people.

01:55:16.000 And in fact, they get along with people. 0.99

01:55:19.000 So this is like a temple that you visit in India, and fucking rats are everywhere, and everybody treats these rats with respect. 1.00

01:55:27.000 Very strange. 1.00

01:55:27.000 Just coexisting. 1.00

01:55:28.000 Yeah.

01:55:29.000 So the reason why rats are scared of people, they recognize that people want to kill them because they carry diseases.

01:55:34.000 But in India, they just got a totally different vibe going on.

01:55:37.000 So look, like those pigeons are hanging around those rats.

01:55:39.000 In New York City, rats hunt pigeons.

01:55:41.000 You ever see rats kill a pigeon?

01:55:43.000 Yeah, I've seen that.

01:55:43.000 And drag them away?

01:55:44.000 You're like, whoa!

01:55:45.000 Have you seen the video of the pelican that ate a pigeon?

01:55:48.000 Yes.

01:55:48.000 Swallowed a hole.

01:55:49.000 Yeah, swallowed a hole.

01:55:50.000 I saw a pelican eat a duck.

01:55:51.000 Yeah.

01:55:52.000 A whole duck. 1.00

01:55:54.000 Pelicans are low-key assholes. 1.00

01:55:56.000 Assholes. 1.00

01:55:57.000 Dinosaurs. 1.00

01:55:58.000 Look at these fucking rats, man. 1.00

01:56:00.000 They're everywhere. 1.00

01:56:00.000 Well, that's where we're headed. 1.00

01:56:02.000 Rats are pelicans.

01:56:03.000 That's where we're headed. 1.00

01:56:04.000 With fucking rats in New York? 1.00

01:56:06.000 You think so? 1.00

01:56:06.000 It's just got to be normal. 1.00

01:56:07.000 I mean, people are going to try and stomp them out and poison and trap and all of that, but at some point, you just got to go, all right, man, you're going to live it, too.

01:56:13.000 Well, they're maintaining right now, right?

01:56:16.000 You can still go to a restaurant.

01:56:18.000 You still go to the movies.

01:56:19.000 You still go shopping.

01:56:20.000 It's all normal, and there's millions of rats running underneath your feet, under the ground.

01:56:26.000 What's the plan?

01:56:27.000 What's de Blasio's plan?

01:56:29.000 You don't have a plan for people. 0.97

01:56:31.000 You definitely have a plan for rats.

01:56:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:56:33.000 What's the fucking plan? 1.00

01:56:34.000 What kind of plan does he have? 1.00

01:56:35.000 What do you do? 0.71

01:56:36.000 Take care of his corrupt cops.

01:56:37.000 Take care of all the problems with the streets. 0.82

01:56:41.000 Take care of all the crime.

01:56:42.000 They don't have rat problems. 0.97

01:56:44.000 I'm a rat plan. 1.00

01:56:45.000 I thought they had all these studies and EPA motherfuckers that investigate. 0.99

01:56:49.000 Yeah, but how much money do they have? 0.98

01:56:50.000 How much money does de Blasio have?

01:56:52.000 How much money do they have to spend on things like rats? 0.91

01:56:55.000 They probably don't have any budget. 0.99

01:56:56.000 It probably doesn't present as much of an ominous threat as crime or bridges and tunnel shit and fixing all infrastructure. 0.98

01:57:06.000 Probably. 0.95

01:57:07.000 It would have to be a pandemic disease, which, as Jamie was saying, can happen. 0.99

01:57:12.000 We have medieval diseases showing up here now that are just because of trash and shit. 0.99

01:57:16.000 In Hollywood or in downtown LA with all the homeless people. 1.00

01:57:20.000 It's fucking crazy because people are literally just shitting on the street. 1.00

01:57:24.000 Just shitting everywhere. 1.00

01:57:26.000 The homeless situation in downtown LA scares me more than the rat situation. 0.99

01:57:31.000 What's the numbers?

01:57:33.000 Oh, you need to see.

01:57:35.000 Hundreds of thousands?

01:57:35.000 Have you ever driven through Skid Row?

01:57:37.000 Yeah.

01:57:38.000 Bananas, right?

01:57:40.000 Yeah, because it's close to fashion, bro.

01:57:42.000 Are you into fashion? 0.99

01:57:44.000 No, but I was over there one day for some shit. 0.99

01:57:47.000 There's thousands and thousands of people just living on the street. 0.99

01:57:50.000 Thousands.

01:57:51.000 Thousands.

01:57:52.000 Like a whole gigantic theater sells out and all the people pile out onto the street, but that's where they live.

01:58:01.000 That's what it's like.

01:58:02.000 It's like...

01:58:04.000 Like, people going to the Verizon Center.

01:58:06.000 Like, 7,000 people you find on a few streets.

01:58:09.000 And they think the solution is some sort of hostiles or something that they're going to start trying to do.

01:58:13.000 Good luck.

01:58:14.000 These people have accumulated.

01:58:15.000 They've become accustomed.

01:58:17.000 That's their lifestyle.

01:58:19.000 Like, that's not what they want, for sure, but they're accustomed to being homeless.

01:58:24.000 Like, they've acclimated to that world, and they've lived in it, many of them, for years and years and years, and they go to places and shelters where they get food, they sleep out on the street, they have a whole community of people that are out on the street, they're all doing drugs, and most of them are psychiatric patients.

01:58:38.000 Yeah, half are vets, though.

01:58:40.000 A lot of them. 0.99

01:58:41.000 That's the thing that really fucks me up with the homeless population in this country, is that half are vets, and then on some mental illness shit, maybe some of them, their family just can't Give them the care they need. 0.99

01:58:52.000 But if they got the care they need, maybe they could be a little more level enough to at least be under a roof with a loved one or somebody that can afford to, you know, to take them in. 0.98

01:59:01.000 No, no, I think you're absolutely right.

01:59:03.000 And in the 1980s, they changed.

01:59:04.000 So some of them have problems that are solvable.

01:59:07.000 Yeah, some of them.

01:59:08.000 But some of them don't have anybody to help them get through the problems.

01:59:11.000 I mean, and then things deteriorate.

01:59:13.000 You know, they get worse and worse and worse.

01:59:15.000 And as you get older, you lose hope.

01:59:16.000 And then you say, this is me.

01:59:17.000 This is who I am now.

01:59:19.000 There's like...

01:59:22.000 There's like this weird thing with the homeless as well, where I feel like, as a country, we're quicker to help people in groups.

01:59:33.000 In a weird way, it still fucks me up, and it's gonna come out wrong, but if there's a natural disaster, the amount of money we will pour into relief and support for a particular area after the hurricane or the tornado or whatever, and that's fine. 0.99

01:59:49.000 If that same type of outpouring happened just once for the homeless coast to coast, it would change so much fucking shit, bro. 0.99

01:59:56.000 Yes. 0.99

01:59:56.000 But if people aren't fucked up in a group at once, then it doesn't resonate. 0.99

02:00:03.000 Like when you see a single homeless person or the news just shows you the row of tents. 0.71

02:00:08.000 You don't see the person crying with the rubble behind them and they've lost everything.

02:00:12.000 It doesn't.

02:00:13.000 For whatever reason, it doesn't connect the same.

02:00:36.000 It's simmered and simmered for decades and decades.

02:00:37.000 I mean, you think about how much money we spend on other countries, right?

02:00:41.000 How much money we spend on aid, how much money we spend. 0.98

02:00:44.000 And we don't fix inner cities that have been impoverished since the fucking 1800s. 0.97

02:00:49.000 We don't ever go in there and try to solve problems. 0.98

02:00:53.000 I've been saying this forever.

02:00:54.000 If you want a better country, the best way is to ensure there's less losers.

02:00:59.000 And the best way to ensure there's less losers is give people more opportunities and fix places where you have no chance.

02:01:06.000 I mean, how many people that grow up in neighborhoods where they have no chance get out?

02:01:11.000 It's like it's a tiny, tiny fraction of people that want to become successful and happy.

02:01:15.000 Most of them are trapped by the environment that they find themselves just by a random roll of the dice.

02:01:21.000 They wind up and they're in Detroit.

02:01:35.000 Correct.

02:01:37.000 Correct.

02:01:39.000 Correct.

02:01:43.000 Yeah, I just think that we live in a society where it's just the people in power know that if you help the people that you've been oppressing, then you run the risk of facing their wrath once they have power.

02:01:56.000 Do you think that's what it is?

02:01:57.000 To some degree.

02:01:59.000 Why would I... If I have an opportunity to make something better and people are labeling me as the fault for you being in that situation in the first place, then I run the risk of losing...

02:02:13.000 Power.

02:02:14.000 Because those people are gonna come get me.

02:02:16.000 They're gonna vote me out of office.

02:02:18.000 So it's about aligning your views and choices with the people that's gonna keep you in office.

02:02:25.000 Yeah, I guess, man.

02:02:27.000 I just would think that in today's day and age, people would be more forward-thinking.

02:02:31.000 And they would think, look, we've got a lot of problems with the environment.

02:02:34.000 We've got a lot of problems with climate control.

02:02:36.000 Like, we've got real issues in this world. 0.97

02:02:39.000 But we also have problems that have been here forever that no one's done a goddamn thing to fix.

02:02:43.000 So these new—like, oh, the ocean's rising! 0.72

02:02:45.000 The ocean's rising!

02:02:47.000 What are we going to do?

02:02:49.000 It's not going to affect all these inner cities.

02:02:52.000 These inner cities that have had these same problems forever. 0.97

02:02:54.000 If you looked at the problems, like murder problems in this country, like the places in the inner city where you have gang violence and murder and drug trafficking and the same fucking problems over and over and over again, year after year... 0.99

02:03:09.000 Go ahead. 0.99

02:03:10.000 There's no effort.

02:03:12.000 What do I gain if I'm a politician...

02:03:18.000 And I'm empowered.

02:03:19.000 What do I gain by helping those people?

02:03:22.000 Well, you get more people that do well, and you have a better economy, and you have a safer society, and people look at you like you're a real leader.

02:03:29.000 Like, wow, Mayor Wood, look what he did.

02:03:32.000 Sure. 0.95

02:03:32.000 If they give me the credit, or unless it gets politically spun the wrong way or some shit, and then I'm out. 0.95

02:03:39.000 That's the case with every single thing a mayor or a governor does. 0.57

02:03:42.000 I don't know.

02:03:44.000 I just think where politics like that is concerned, we are more inclined to vote and do things that serve our own interests first.

02:03:53.000 Politicians are more inclined to enact policies that serve their best interests, and we're more inclined to vote for things that serve our best interests.

02:03:59.000 So the two things work against each other, and for it to work, for the system to work, you have to vote for things that are for the greater good, even if it means sacrificing your own position in the process.

02:04:09.000 And that's what I think a lot of politicians don't do.

02:04:11.000 But I think in this day and age, trying to help impoverish communities, now there's an awareness of how long stuff's been going on and how...

02:04:20.000 Do you know who Michael Wood Jr. is?

02:04:23.000 Is that his name?

02:04:24.000 Michael Wood Jr.?

02:04:24.000 Yeah.

02:04:25.000 He was a cop of Baltimore, and he came across...

02:04:29.000 This paper from the 1970s that was detailing like rap sheets, all the problems in the area and all the different crimes.

02:04:37.000 And he was realizing this is in the 2000s.

02:04:40.000 He's like, these are all the same places with the same crimes that we're handling now.

02:04:46.000 So here we are.

02:04:48.000 30 plus years later, the same exact crimes in the same exact places.

02:04:54.000 And he's like the feeling of like futility, the handling this, the fact that no one gives a fuck and that this has been this way forever and nothing's being done to do anything other than just continue the process of arresting people, letting them out, arresting people, letting them out.

02:05:10.000 And then it's just chaos.

02:05:12.000 I give you a good example of self-interest.

02:05:14.000 So, in Newark, New Jersey right now, they are facing water contamination levels that are higher than Flint. 0.98

02:05:22.000 And there has been cover-ups out the ass. 0.97

02:05:26.000 That's where I was born. 1.00

02:05:27.000 So, well, go get your shit checked. 1.00

02:05:32.000 Your parents, too. 1.00

02:05:34.000 In the past, I think, it's like past eight years or so, they're starting to pull at the threads now and figure out, oh, what the hell is this?

02:05:44.000 What's going on with the water? 0.99

02:05:45.000 And it's all these people getting fucked up. 0.99

02:05:47.000 The people who covered it up Those are people in office who could have made the decisions that you're saying to not fucking let fucked up water get into the water table. 1.00

02:05:57.000 So if a corporation says, hey man, motherfucker, don't worry about that dirty water. 1.00

02:06:02.000 Here's some money and some campaign promises. 1.00

02:06:04.000 You think that's what happened?

02:06:05.000 I think so.

02:06:05.000 I mean, you got to unravel the story.

02:06:07.000 We got to see how it unfolds.

02:06:08.000 But if there is a cover-up, a cover-up only happens if someone has more selfish, self-serving intentions.

02:06:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:06:17.000 Like, the core base of a cover-up is to fuck over somebody who doesn't deserve to get fucked over. 1.00

02:06:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:06:23.000 So, off that alone, the choice you're making isn't for the greater good of the society or the pride or, like, the way ants, like, you know what ants do that's so dope when it's a flood? 0.99

02:06:33.000 You ever seen the fire ants make the float?

02:06:35.000 Yeah.

02:06:36.000 That's what we have to be, but we're not gonna be there, because nobody wants to be the ant on the bottom that might drown and can't get back up to the top in time.

02:06:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:06:45.000 We don't do that.

02:06:47.000 Well, I think there's also a sense of futility, like there's a lack of resources to handle everything, so you just take what you can, handle what you can, and keep moving, and then just get the fuck out of Newark. 0.60

02:06:59.000 I mean, that's how people look at it.

02:07:00.000 People look at those neighborhoods like a place to escape, not that it's anything that could be fixed.

02:07:06.000 Yeah.

02:07:06.000 That's what I struggle with with Birmingham in terms of going back home and trying to do things that Feed the neighborhood positively.

02:07:17.000 Because I feel like I never had that growing up.

02:07:20.000 Like, you know, there were a couple of people.

02:07:21.000 Your Bo Jacksons and your Charles Barkleys, they come around and, you know, give a high five to a kid or two.

02:07:28.000 But to be able to do things that create opportunities so that the feeling of hopelessness or whatever isn't always there.

02:07:37.000 Or if there's one thing that can be like, Big Sean did something that was dope in Detroit.

02:07:41.000 He put $100,000 down on a recording studio. 0.78

02:07:45.000 And to help underprivileged kids have access to just fucking just to do something that makes things better. 0.99

02:07:53.000 So the problem is that in the process of trying to give a fuck, it's stressful. 0.99

02:07:59.000 And there are people that are pushing and working against you. 0.99

02:08:03.000 And you could easily just go to sleep in your bed comfortably at night and just...

02:08:08.000 Not care, but I try.

02:08:10.000 I do as much as I can back home. 0.91

02:08:12.000 But the idea of getting the fuck out, I'm always torn on.

02:08:17.000 Because it's like, I'm gone. 0.99

02:08:19.000 If nothing else, I can pay my bills till I die.

02:08:23.000 And I think my son could go to a decent Division II school and be fine.

02:08:28.000 But...

02:08:30.000 If I'm not using my gift and all these advantages to try and help better other people somehow, then I feel like I failed the city, or I feel like I failed where I came from.

02:08:40.000 So I'm trying to figure out how, because what I've never seen is someone that gave back or attempted to put back into without it costing them something in the process as well.

02:08:56.000 Right.

02:08:56.000 I see what you're saying.

02:08:57.000 Like, you'd have to make a big sacrifice in order to help.

02:09:00.000 Exactly.

02:09:00.000 And you'd have to take time that you don't even have time to work out.

02:09:03.000 So how the fuck do you have time to go and save Birmingham? 0.98

02:09:06.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:09:07.000 Yeah.

02:09:07.000 That is a problem.

02:09:08.000 I mean, you have bandwidth, right?

02:09:10.000 You have a certain amount of bandwidth in your brain.

02:09:12.000 And how much of it can you dedicate to charitable things?

02:09:16.000 How much can you dedicate to your career, your family?

02:09:19.000 Yeah, it's the constant process.

02:09:22.000 I mean...

02:09:24.000 I think it's the job of people who are running cities and states and the country, but it's about how much resource, how much resources they have and how much they delegate to fixing these problems that have existed forever.

02:09:38.000 What I've learned, man, is I learned a shit ton.

02:09:42.000 We shot my Comedy Central pilot in Birmingham this summer, which was not an easy feat in terms of the logistics of it, just because Birmingham's not Atlanta. 0.97

02:09:53.000 It's not a bunch of fucking cameras just laying around.

02:09:56.000 But you start seeing how different entities at the state level and the local level, even the county level, all have to get a little touch, all have to... 0.97

02:10:08.000 Have a hand in it somehow so that everyone feels like they are all part, like you have to please too many people at the same time to get anything remotely done.

02:10:19.000 I don't know, I can't speak for the rest of the country, but I know in Alabama, that's generally how it is.

02:10:24.000 I think that's generally how it is with all politics.

02:10:26.000 I mean, everybody wants a little bit of credit.

02:10:28.000 Everybody wants a little bit of a say in it.

02:10:30.000 I'm fine with the credit, but just help.

02:10:32.000 Yeah.

02:10:34.000 Give you the credit, but help.

02:10:35.000 Like, do this logistical thing to help.

02:10:38.000 Like, that's the stuff where nobody wants to really, or you're not sure if anybody really has genuine intentions on helping.

02:10:47.000 Yeah.

02:10:48.000 Yeah.

02:10:48.000 Because not everybody's happy for you at the crib.

02:10:51.000 That's the saddest shit ever when you think about charitable organizations and you find out how much people are making to run those charitable organizations. 0.99

02:10:58.000 Red Cross and shit. 0.99

02:10:59.000 Yeah, and how little the money actually goes towards the charity. 0.99

02:11:02.000 You're like, Jesus.

02:11:04.000 I know there's going to be some red tape and bureaucracy, but it's like, Red Cross, isn't it some insane number?

02:11:09.000 How much of money from Red Cross actually goes towards the actual charity itself?

02:11:15.000 I'm going to say 10%.

02:11:17.000 That might be generous, but that is a crazy number.

02:11:22.000 It costs 90% of all the money that comes in just to deal with overhead.

02:11:27.000 Logistics and moving stuff around.

02:11:29.000 That's why I kind of like GoFundMes. 0.99

02:11:32.000 Because you can just find a motherfucker and be like, here. 1.00

02:11:35.000 Here's $100. 1.00

02:11:36.000 Yeah, when there's real problems.

02:11:38.000 What do you got, Jamie?

02:11:39.000 What's the number?

02:11:40.000 Let's guess.

02:11:42.000 Type that in and it's like stories come about the CEO has been serially misleading about where the 91% of money that it says goes.

02:11:50.000 I don't know.

02:11:51.000 Oh, so it's less than 10%.

02:11:52.000 It's 9%?

02:11:54.000 91%.

02:11:55.000 91% goes somewhere other than the charity.

02:11:57.000 So it's 9%.

02:11:59.000 No, no, I think they're actually saying 91% goes to the charity?

02:12:03.000 We're very proud of the fact that 91 cents of every dollar that's donated goes to our services, is what he said.

02:12:09.000 What does he mean, though?

02:12:11.000 Rent, gas, food.

02:12:15.000 Yeah, come on. 0.77

02:12:16.000 Sign it.

02:12:17.000 Did you see that dude that De Niro's suing some lady that worked for him that watched 55 episodes of Friends in a week?

02:12:25.000 No!

02:12:26.000 Yeah, she embezzled money, allegedly, embezzled money, used his miles to fly on her own personal trips. 0.96

02:12:35.000 She was making $300,000 a year, but the big story, the clickbait title was he sued her for $6 million after a wild Friends binge.

02:12:45.000 She watched 55 episodes of it in four days.

02:12:51.000 That's 2008, so that's DVDs.

02:12:53.000 Oh! 0.60

02:12:55.000 In 2008?

02:12:57.000 That is hilarious.

02:12:58.000 So they're still going after it?

02:13:00.000 11 years later?

02:13:01.000 Oh, she was his assistant in 2008. She began as De Niro's assistant, and she now is being sued.

02:13:13.000 So she basically got to a place where...

02:13:16.000 They're working together for 11 years.

02:13:18.000 11 years of employment, De Niro Robinson rose to Vice President of Production and Finance, according to the suit which lists her 2019 salary at $300,000.

02:13:26.000 She finally left the company in April after being suspected of corporate sabotage, said the legal filing.

02:13:32.000 And she embezzled money and... 0.87

02:13:34.000 She went crazy.

02:13:34.000 You know what?

02:13:35.000 That's seven hours a day.

02:13:37.000 That's 14 episodes a day.

02:13:39.000 That's doable.

02:13:40.000 It's doable.

02:13:41.000 For four days.

02:13:41.000 I binged 24 in like a day and a half.

02:13:44.000 The whole season.

02:13:45.000 Yeah, the whole season.

02:13:46.000 Back in the DVD box set days.

02:13:49.000 It was also a good show. 0.98

02:13:50.000 It's just funny that out of all the shit that this lady did, apparently, allegedly, the 55 episodes of Friends are the ones that became the headline that everybody had to click on. 1.00

02:13:58.000 Because that's the funniest shit. 0.99

02:13:59.000 She also watched 20 episodes of Arrested Development one day and some other shows. 0.99

02:14:04.000 So she's just sitting around watching TV while she's working for her.

02:14:07.000 How did I know?

02:14:07.000 What is she supposed to be doing?

02:14:09.000 I was like, maybe she's doing research.

02:14:10.000 Maybe she's waiting around for something to do.

02:14:13.000 What De Niro project needs friends as research?

02:14:16.000 Looking for cast, I don't know.

02:14:18.000 What De Niro projects are even around?

02:14:21.000 Well, De Niro's probably trying to figure out where all his money's going, because he's getting divorced right now, so he's probably...

02:14:26.000 Yeah, man, he's getting divorced. 0.99

02:14:28.000 There was some public spat at a restaurant where he yelled at his wife, I wouldn't have to do these shitty fucking movies if you weren't spending all my money. 1.00

02:14:36.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:14:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:14:40.000 I see that, and I always feel bad for people.

02:14:43.000 Like the Cubs, the second baseman, Ben Zobris, he's been, like, I don't know what the, like, physically unable to perform.

02:14:50.000 Like, he's basically been on the disabled list the entire season while he goes through and deals with his divorce.

02:14:55.000 Oh, God. 1.00

02:14:56.000 Like, divorce is some serious shit. 1.00

02:14:58.000 Serious shit. 1.00

02:14:59.000 To go make millions of dollars playing baseball, I can't right now. 1.00

02:15:02.000 I have to go to court and count my cash and make sure that my shit is shit. 1.00

02:15:06.000 So his disabled shit is just dealing with the divorce? 1.00

02:15:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:15:09.000 It's not even a real injury? 1.00

02:15:11.000 No, it's not a real injury.

02:15:12.000 Well, I guess technically it's mental.

02:15:14.000 You know what it is?

02:15:14.000 That's a girl taking apart his puzzle.

02:15:17.000 Yeah.

02:15:18.000 She took apart his puzzle.

02:15:20.000 That's what she's doing.

02:15:20.000 She's taking apart the puzzle of his life while she's forcing him to go through.

02:15:24.000 I think it was like infidelity or something.

02:15:26.000 Yeah, of course.

02:15:27.000 Somebody cheated.

02:15:28.000 I had a buddy of mine who he had to pay for his wife's lawyer.

02:15:31.000 You don't even think about it that way.

02:15:33.000 Like, if you're married, you go, well, who's paying for her lawyer? 1.00

02:15:36.000 But, bitch, you're paying for her lawyer. 1.00

02:15:37.000 If she didn't work, you pay for the general of the opposing army to try to dismantle you financially. 1.00

02:15:44.000 And he didn't have a prenuptial agreement. 0.99

02:15:47.000 So he went to war for fucking years. 0.99

02:15:50.000 Years and years and years. 1.00

02:15:51.000 And they were trying to drain him.

02:15:53.000 And the lawyers are smart, man.

02:15:54.000 They know that the real settlement is great.

02:15:57.000 But what the real money is, is in legal fees leading up to the settlement. 1.00

02:16:01.000 They just dragged that shit out for a couple of years. 0.99

02:16:03.000 Hundreds of dollars an hour. 1.00

02:16:04.000 Cha-ching! 1.00

02:16:05.000 Cha-ching! 1.00

02:16:07.000 And next thing you know, you've lost millions of dollars. 1.00

02:16:10.000 And this guy, you know, busted his ass 12 hours a day, forever. 0.99

02:16:14.000 Lost almost everything. 0.99

02:16:15.000 Still to this day, how about this?

02:16:17.000 He's been married for, I think he's been married for 14 years to a new woman.

02:16:22.000 He was with her for 12 years.

02:16:25.000 And he has been paying her alimony longer than they were married while he's married to a new woman and didn't even have kids with her. 0.99

02:16:36.000 So he's been paying her for 14 fucking years. 0.99

02:16:40.000 I'm talking six figures every year. 1.00

02:16:42.000 She doesn't do shit. 1.00

02:16:43.000 She lives in a fat house in the Palisades. 1.00

02:16:45.000 The whole thing is bananas.

02:16:47.000 Did you see Larry King is getting divorced?

02:16:50.000 Yeah.

02:16:50.000 I didn't know his head.

02:16:51.000 This was his eighth wife.

02:16:52.000 Yeah.

02:16:54.000 I hope he gets another one.

02:16:55.000 I hope he gets another one and he's like a skeleton.

02:16:58.000 And they have to like walk him out there in an exoskeleton.

02:17:03.000 I can't prove it, but I feel like the divorce lawyer industry is tied to the wedding industry somehow.

02:17:09.000 Somehow.

02:17:10.000 They don't have to be tied in like legally.

02:17:12.000 They know.

02:17:13.000 They both benefit from one another.

02:17:15.000 Of course.

02:17:16.000 Yeah, of course.

02:17:17.000 Look at that.

02:17:18.000 Perfect relationship.

02:17:19.000 How did it go wrong?

02:17:21.000 I just want to know what the arguments were about.

02:17:25.000 Well, apparently that was infidelity as well, allegedly.

02:17:28.000 No way.

02:17:29.000 I can't believe she'd cheat on him.

02:17:31.000 Oh, on her side or his side?

02:17:32.000 Her side, apparently.

02:17:33.000 She had a year-long affair.

02:17:36.000 Prenup in that one?

02:17:37.000 No. 0.98

02:17:38.000 She looked fucking hot 20 years ago when they got married. 1.00

02:17:40.000 Because she's like 59 now. 0.97

02:17:43.000 So when they first started shacking it up, she was in her 30s.

02:17:47.000 Probably looking smoking.

02:17:48.000 She's a pretty lady, you know? 0.99

02:17:50.000 You think that's an addiction?

02:17:52.000 Love the same as any other drug?

02:17:54.000 Sure.

02:17:54.000 Of course.

02:17:56.000 Yeah.

02:17:56.000 Most people...

02:17:57.000 Because when you're talking about getting married seven times...

02:18:00.000 Yeah.

02:18:01.000 I don't know.

02:18:02.000 It gets a little wacky.

02:18:03.000 He's had marriages that lasted like less than a year.

02:18:06.000 Then he'd get divorced and marry another one.

02:18:08.000 I would get married...

02:18:12.000 I think once.

02:18:13.000 If I do it, it'll be once.

02:18:14.000 If you do it.

02:18:15.000 I got one in me.

02:18:16.000 One.

02:18:16.000 I got one in me.

02:18:17.000 I almost proposed to a girl like in 03. Those are one of the biggest mistakes.

02:18:21.000 Almost. 0.99

02:18:22.000 Almost fucking made. 0.98

02:18:22.000 How'd you get out of it? 0.98

02:18:23.000 Found out she was cheating.

02:18:25.000 Woo! 0.99

02:18:25.000 That's nice. 0.99

02:18:26.000 That's a relief.

02:18:27.000 Yeah.

02:18:27.000 It was back in the day when you share cell phone plans and she kept pushing us over our minutes for the month.

02:18:32.000 I'm like, what the fuck? 1.00

02:18:33.000 Who the fuck are you talking to? 0.99

02:18:35.000 So the next month I requested the full itemized Call log. 0.99

02:18:39.000 Like back in the day, Sprint would send you your entire call log for the month, and I just went through it, and then I could see the patterns of when I was asleep or when I was on stage.

02:18:49.000 You could just see that when it's all in front of you, it's easy to just see that, oh, yeah, when I go to work at 6 a.m., then you call this guy.

02:18:59.000 Wow.

02:19:00.000 Yeah, and it was real easy to track down.

02:19:02.000 Did you confront her?

02:19:04.000 Yeah, I was a little extra about it, but I was young. 0.99

02:19:10.000 I was fucking young. 0.93

02:19:11.000 I called Sprint and I basically turned my phone into her phone. 1.00

02:19:19.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

02:19:20.000 And then I started texting the dudes from her phone. 1.00

02:19:23.000 How many guys?

02:19:24.000 It was two guys.

02:19:25.000 And so I tell both guys to come over at the same time, which is so catty in me.

02:19:35.000 And, of course, they show up.

02:19:37.000 She calls me, curses me out, and boom, bam, relationship done. 1.00

02:19:39.000 Oh, so you told them to come over while she was at home.

02:19:43.000 Correct.

02:19:44.000 But you weren't there.

02:19:45.000 Correct.

02:19:45.000 Ooh, I like it.

02:19:46.000 No.

02:19:46.000 That's devious.

02:19:48.000 But in the bigger scheme of things, if one of those is that came over and hit her or done anything stupid, I'm liable. 0.99

02:19:55.000 Really? 0.99

02:19:56.000 Yeah, hell yeah.

02:19:57.000 No.

02:19:58.000 Come on.

02:19:58.000 You're not liable for someone causing violence.

02:20:00.000 The police will charge you a murder for somebody they shot.

02:20:02.000 No.

02:20:02.000 There are laws.

02:20:04.000 If I deceive two men into showing up to the fucking house, you gotta remember, my brain is going, don't go back to jail ever again. 0.99

02:20:12.000 In my brain, I'm going, there's something that could have gone south somehow. 1.00

02:20:18.000 I don't think you would have gotten in trouble for that.

02:20:20.000 Either way, I wouldn't want the guy to get beat up by some psycho dude who's jealous or whatever.

02:20:24.000 I didn't want that.

02:20:25.000 Some psycho dude jealous that he's the other one who's cheating on you.

02:20:28.000 Yeah, and I had my little $700 engagement ring from Zales.

02:20:34.000 I took it back.

02:20:36.000 And this is when I learned that if you return an engagement ring, the salesperson loses the commission.

02:20:41.000 Ooh.

02:20:42.000 They take the commission back out of their next check.

02:20:44.000 Did he say this person got upset?

02:20:45.000 He wasn't upset, but he spent like an hour trying to talk me how to return it.

02:20:48.000 Really?

02:20:49.000 Yeah, he said, man, just go think about it, man.

02:20:50.000 Go think about it.

02:20:51.000 Did you tell him?

02:20:52.000 Just walk around the mall. 1.00

02:20:53.000 She's fucking two other dudes. 1.00

02:20:55.000 That's ultimately what I had to do. 0.99

02:20:56.000 And once I told him that, he processed it with no fucking... 0.98

02:20:58.000 Just took the L? No pushback, yeah. 0.99

02:21:01.000 It was a $700 ring.

02:21:02.000 His cut was probably only going to be like, what, $70, $80?

02:21:05.000 What's the cut?

02:21:06.000 Didn't want to give up that $80.

02:21:07.000 And I respect it. 0.99

02:21:08.000 He's fucking hustling. 1.00

02:21:09.000 He's selling jewelry in a mall. 1.00

02:21:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:21:12.000 You don't want to fucking lose your fucking commission. 1.00

02:21:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:21:14.000 Those are bad decisions being made, buying jewelry in a mall. 1.00

02:21:19.000 It's crazy, though.

02:21:20.000 It's more like Joey, though, where she and I are cool now.

02:21:24.000 Oh, really?

02:21:25.000 Yeah.

02:21:25.000 Oh, that's cool.

02:21:26.000 She's married.

02:21:27.000 It's all love now.

02:21:29.000 Well, that's good.

02:21:30.000 Look, people grow and learn.

02:21:32.000 That's hilarious, though, that you did that.

02:21:34.000 Yeah, that wasn't my finest hour.

02:21:38.000 But like I said, I'm not a fighter. 0.99

02:21:40.000 I figure out a way to diabolically construct a situation that tears down your entire fucking operation. 0.98

02:21:45.000 Yeah, that was a good move. 0.99

02:21:46.000 That's a learning process, too, for her. 1.00

02:21:49.000 It's like, damn. 0.99

02:21:51.000 How could I be so obvious? 1.00

02:21:51.000 I mean, because what I'm going to do, drive over and cuss you out and, girl, you cheating on? 1.00

02:21:55.000 No.

02:21:56.000 We're going to all know about each other.

02:21:57.000 Yeah.

02:21:58.000 It's time for us all to meet.

02:21:59.000 So, hey, man, come on over to the house.

02:22:02.000 Hey, man, you come on over to the house.

02:22:05.000 Meet me at 11. Don't come too soon.

02:22:07.000 Come exactly at 11. Wow.

02:22:10.000 Call Sprint.

02:22:11.000 Wouldn't you want to be there?

02:22:12.000 No.

02:22:14.000 No.

02:22:16.000 Some explosions you just got to walk away from.

02:22:19.000 No, man.

02:22:20.000 I want to be there for that one.

02:22:21.000 Just wear goggles.

02:22:23.000 Welding goggles.

02:22:25.000 That's something I've never lived down.

02:22:30.000 It was just ugly.

02:22:32.000 It was just one of those things where you just go, you know what?

02:22:34.000 Maybe I shouldn't have done that.

02:22:36.000 Her mom's calling me the next day.

02:22:38.000 Her mom?

02:22:39.000 Will you just talk to her?

02:22:40.000 Talk to my baby.

02:22:41.000 Oh, boy.

02:22:42.000 No, man.

02:22:43.000 I can't.

02:22:43.000 Like, it was...

02:22:44.000 Dude, it was full-blown, bro. 1.00

02:22:45.000 I'm sending pictures of the fucking ring and all types of shit. 1.00

02:22:49.000 Oh, you got extra. 1.00

02:22:51.000 Yeah.

02:22:52.000 It was not...

02:22:53.000 It's not my finest hour.

02:22:56.000 But don't you think that, like, those brutal breakups and all the chaos of...

02:23:01.000 Infidelity and all that kind of nonsense.

02:23:03.000 It gives you a better understanding of relationships when they go well.

02:23:08.000 It's all like life lessons.

02:23:10.000 You don't get to be a seasoned, grown-up human being without getting your heart broken a few times, without having a bunch of things going and disappointing in your work life.

02:23:21.000 And then you become a person with an understanding of all the variabilities that you're dealing with in life.

02:23:28.000 I think the problem, though, you know, with love is that it also can be corroding in a sense where if you've really been invested and you've really tried to love and then it didn't work.

02:23:42.000 I think like I feel like if you've been in love a couple of I also feel like people get married sooner.

02:23:49.000 There's something more pure about it, but people get married later is more honest.

02:23:53.000 Yeah, okay.

02:23:55.000 It's like this blind love.

02:23:56.000 We're in love.

02:23:57.000 We've never been done dirty.

02:23:58.000 Oh my God, the sky is falling.

02:24:00.000 Versus your grizzled vet. 0.63

02:24:02.000 You've been cheated on.

02:24:03.000 You've cheated.

02:24:04.000 So you know both sides of that coin.

02:24:06.000 So you know how it feels.

02:24:08.000 You know both sides of that.

02:24:09.000 So when you enter into a relationship, it's more pure.

02:24:12.000 But because you have these battle wounds and these battle scars, I don't know if you love the same as the couple that got married in their 20s.

02:24:19.000 It's still love.

02:24:20.000 It depends on who you're with and how much you appreciate them.

02:24:23.000 It also depends on where you're at in your life.

02:24:25.000 Like, if you got married now, you're a successful man.

02:24:28.000 I mean, you did all the grinding and the hustling, but someone would be entering into your life now where you already made it.

02:24:35.000 You're successful.

02:24:36.000 You're established.

02:24:38.000 The hustle of getting to theirs, now it's just about maintaining.

02:24:42.000 Which, although difficult, you have the confidence that it's going to happen, that you don't have in the beginning.

02:24:48.000 Right.

02:24:48.000 Early days hustling when you were taking those odd jobs.

02:24:51.000 Who the fuck knew where your life was going? 0.98

02:24:54.000 That's one of the beautiful things about it. 0.99

02:24:56.000 There was gigs I was headed to where I didn't have gas money to get home.

02:24:58.000 And the gig I was going to was the gas money to get home.

02:25:01.000 So please don't cancel. 0.99

02:25:03.000 And please don't pull some black promoter shit and don't pay me. 1.00

02:25:06.000 I literally need those $40. 1.00

02:25:08.000 I have no way to get home.

02:25:09.000 Wow.

02:25:10.000 And sometimes you don't get paid.

02:25:11.000 And if you don't get paid on the way home, you stop at a daily work spot.

02:25:15.000 And you do some yard work or whatever.

02:25:18.000 You go do some daily work real quick for the day.

02:25:21.000 You miss a shift at the radio station.

02:25:23.000 You call the radio station.

02:25:23.000 Hey, man.

02:25:25.000 I got car trouble in Kentucky.

02:25:26.000 I can't get home.

02:25:27.000 I'm going to miss the morning show.

02:25:28.000 Sorry.

02:25:29.000 And then you go do some day job.

02:25:30.000 Wow.

02:25:31.000 Get your $40 and get home.

02:25:33.000 But that's a real life experience that you just can't pay for.

02:25:39.000 That's so valuable.

02:25:40.000 The fact that you did do it, even though it was horrible when it happened.

02:25:44.000 The resolve that you developed from being that person who figures your way through all those problems.

02:25:50.000 So if you got married now...

02:25:53.000 You're a different person. 0.99

02:25:55.000 You'll figure shit out better now. 0.99

02:25:57.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:25:59.000 You also learn how to communicate way better so that it doesn't devolve to a point where either you are being malicious to each other.

02:26:07.000 Me and my girl is way better at communication than anything I could have imagined with anyone in my 20s.

02:26:12.000 Yeah, because of those experiences and learning. 0.98

02:26:16.000 That's the part where you try to fucking correct. 0.96

02:26:19.000 But then there's always a piece of you. 0.95

02:26:20.000 It's like Do you ever find, I guess, I can't ask you this as a married man, but you find yourself sometimes looking at past relationships like jokes where you go, oh, I know how I could have fixed that one.

02:26:37.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

02:26:38.000 Where even with the knowledge you have now of relationships and love, I can look back on stuff that I fucked up and go, all I had to do was this, this, boom, and that joke would have hit.

02:26:50.000 Yep. 0.58

02:26:51.000 That would have been.

02:26:53.000 Yeah.

02:26:53.000 So that eats like the way like when you do a TV set and you forget one part of the joke and now for the rest of your life, that's the set.

02:27:01.000 Yep.

02:27:01.000 That's who you are.

02:27:02.000 But there's a piece of you that's going... 1.00

02:27:05.000 Fuck, I should have done that thing. 1.00

02:27:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:27:08.000 But that's part of the beauty of growth.

02:27:11.000 Yeah.

02:27:11.000 It's like you have to leave behind these poorly finished projects to appreciate the one that you're going to put out next that's going to be the best version of it.

02:27:19.000 I look at every fucking special I ever did going, ugh. 0.93

02:27:22.000 Even if they were successful, I just go, ugh. 0.96

02:27:24.000 I don't have nothing to do with them.

02:27:26.000 I can't watch them. 0.99

02:27:27.000 I fucking get disgusted. 1.00

02:27:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:27:29.000 My first two specials should be combined into one. 0.99

02:27:32.000 Like I can literally look at the material and go, oh, that segues with that.

02:27:35.000 Yeah.

02:27:36.000 Cut that out. 0.73

02:27:36.000 Put this in there. 0.73

02:27:37.000 Yeah.

02:27:38.000 And then there's old specials that I said, ooh, I'd like to have another crack at those ideas because those are good ideas.

02:27:43.000 I just didn't implement them correctly.

02:27:45.000 So why not?

02:27:46.000 Move on.

02:27:47.000 Gotta move on.

02:27:48.000 What?

02:27:48.000 If the idea is still valid and worth being told?

02:27:51.000 You get trapped.

02:27:52.000 You get trapped in old ideas.

02:27:54.000 It's out there.

02:27:54.000 It's done.

02:27:55.000 New shit. 0.99

02:27:56.000 Find something new that resonates just as well in the future as this stuff does to you when you're looking at the past. 0.99

02:28:03.000 I don't know.

02:28:04.000 I feel like I have some unfinished thoughts from the last special.

02:28:07.000 Of course.

02:28:08.000 But that desire and that hunger is what makes you a great comic.

02:28:12.000 Like that, it's not done.

02:28:14.000 Oh, I got to do more.

02:28:15.000 Oh, this has got to be better next time.

02:28:17.000 Or make it tighter.

02:28:19.000 Make this better.

02:28:19.000 More punchlines.

02:28:20.000 Less fat.

02:28:21.000 All that's what, that discomfort and angst is what makes you an artist.

02:28:25.000 That's why I like trying to do stuff that has some teeth or some edge or some opinion to it.

02:28:31.000 Or treading and stuff that...

02:28:33.000 I don't know if you should go there.

02:28:36.000 No, let's go there.

02:28:36.000 Let's figure it out.

02:28:38.000 There's a joke in there somehow.

02:28:40.000 When you can navigate those waters successfully, it's like... 1.00

02:28:42.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

02:28:43.000 You get on the other end with a big laugh. 1.00

02:28:45.000 Dude!

02:28:46.000 It's whitewater rafting.

02:28:47.000 And there's just rocks coming and you're going, left!

02:28:51.000 Right!

02:28:52.000 Paddle! 0.55

02:28:53.000 There's a guy calling out how to do the joke and you're just navigating your way down the rocks.

02:28:57.000 And if you make it, it is the most rewarding dismount that for me is better than just something more mundane.

02:29:08.000 I just can't do it.

02:29:09.000 Yeah. 0.89

02:29:09.000 Yeah, when you see people that are doing the same mundane shit over and over and over again, they don't know what it's like to have that thrill. 0.89

02:29:16.000 They're basically getting on a fucking seesaw every day. 0.99

02:29:19.000 Doing the same seesaw over and over. 0.99

02:29:22.000 There's no thrill in that.

02:29:23.000 No.

02:29:23.000 You're not four anymore.

02:29:26.000 There's too many good thoughts out there.

02:29:28.000 That's why I love talking with Neil Brennan.

02:29:31.000 Neil Brennan is like one of those perfect comics that I can go, hey man, what do you think about this?

02:29:37.000 And he'll tag it darker and take it to a place that I wouldn't have even considered.

02:29:42.000 And, you know, like, you start noticing, like, there's only...

02:29:45.000 Even if you have a bunch of comedian friends, there's only certain friends that understand how or which way you're trying to go with the bit.

02:29:52.000 Because someone else might give you a tag that drifts off into easy land, and I don't want that.

02:29:56.000 Right, right, right.

02:29:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:29:57.000 No, Neil's a great joke writer, and his shit, like... 1.00

02:30:01.000 I like his... 0.99

02:30:02.000 I like watching him work out premises, because, you know, you can tell, like...

02:30:05.000 He's put some real thought into those ideas.

02:30:09.000 It's a thesis statement that just happens to be funny. 0.98

02:30:12.000 He's really breaking shit down. 0.94

02:30:14.000 I like the ones where I know that it was an argument that he had with a girl. 0.98

02:30:19.000 Then he's bringing it to the stage and trying to work it out and make it funny. 0.86

02:30:23.000 Because if you have an argument with a girl and then she comes to see you at a comedy club like a month later and that argument gets relayed to the audience and it's fucking hysterical, you win. 0.99

02:30:33.000 You win and you fucking slam dunk. 0.99

02:30:36.000 That is a fucking grand slam that shatters windows in the parking lot. 1.00

02:30:41.000 I've never had the courage to do it. 0.99

02:30:43.000 I've never had the courage to perform argument material in front of somebody I was dating.

02:30:50.000 Never done it.

02:30:52.000 No, it's hard.

02:30:53.000 You gotta take a chance and them being really mad at you when you get off stage.

02:30:56.000 Like, I give you an example.

02:30:57.000 Like, Wilson Vince is another guy that I like talking to out of New York.

02:31:00.000 And the premise, the joke premise is that there are no hit video games set in Vietnam.

02:31:07.000 Like, that's how much we don't want to explore Vietnam.

02:31:10.000 That's true.

02:31:11.000 It's on World War II, right?

02:31:13.000 And Middle East.

02:31:14.000 It's just the hits.

02:31:15.000 We only want to discuss the hits.

02:31:17.000 That's true.

02:31:18.000 Where we won.

02:31:19.000 That's a good point.

02:31:20.000 There have been games in Vietnam. 0.94

02:31:21.000 Of course, there's some video games in Vietnam, but as far as hit, popular, Twitch-level ninja shit, none in Vietnam. 0.70

02:31:28.000 I told Will Cervant Supremist, and he says, that's because if you're playing a game based in Vietnam, you can't win, even if you want to. 0.87

02:31:39.000 Even when you win, you still lose.

02:31:42.000 And it's taking that thought and figuring out how to weave that.

02:31:46.000 But that's what I mean where a friend can help me work through an idea.

02:31:50.000 But then somewhere, the trick is to come around the backside of that and make sure that you're reinforcing and uplifting the people that chose to fight.

02:31:59.000 It's a whole world that I'm just obsessed with. 0.97

02:32:02.000 It all boils back to the whole Trump draft dodger thing and the hypocrisy that If we agree that the troops are fucked and they're treated horribly, then how is draft dodging bad? 0.99

02:32:17.000 And that being the thought. 0.99

02:32:19.000 Especially for Vietnam.

02:32:21.000 Correct.

02:32:21.000 It's a war we all agree was a terrible war.

02:32:23.000 We didn't know it at the time.

02:32:24.000 And some people chose to go, but a lot of people were threatened with jail that they didn't go.

02:32:29.000 So if you did not go, based on revisionist history, was that not a solid decision in terms of avoiding?

02:32:38.000 And so it's about getting that thought through without disrespecting the heroism of what happened.

02:32:44.000 Tricky waters.

02:32:46.000 Falling trees.

02:32:47.000 Whitewater rafting, baby.

02:32:48.000 A lot of rocks.

02:32:49.000 So I haven't figured it.

02:32:50.000 Those are the basic Lego blocks. 0.99

02:32:53.000 And I have to figure out how to get down the river without fucking hitting a jagged... 0.91

02:32:58.000 Do you write in like essay form? 0.97

02:33:00.000 Do you write things out, like with a computer?

02:33:03.000 Yeah, once I have the ideas together, I just go loose on stage.

02:33:08.000 I'll just run a bit a couple times on stage without any real structure.

02:33:15.000 Just bullet points.

02:33:15.000 Here are the four points I want to make.

02:33:18.000 Do that for a week.

02:33:19.000 Listen to the audio.

02:33:20.000 The stuff that's hot, transcribe.

02:33:22.000 And then from that transcription, start filling in the blanks of how to flesh out the thought and the point a little bit more.

02:33:30.000 But then some stuff requires research.

02:33:33.000 There's a bit that I'm working on now about how the most important person, the most important character in a civil rights movie is the white person, is the evil white actor.

02:33:53.000 We're good to go. 0.76

02:34:02.000 Right. 0.99

02:34:30.000 If you're not an A-list actor and you're playing a racist, you may not do shit else. 0.99

02:34:35.000 Because for black people, if you say nigga, it's too real. 1.00

02:34:38.000 So we can't see you as a fucking Romulan in a Star Trek movie years later. 1.00

02:34:43.000 We're unable to process. 0.99

02:34:46.000 So that joke, I have that idea, and I'll just work that thought a couple of times.

02:34:50.000 But now, before I put it on stage again, I need movies.

02:34:53.000 I need examples to back up the thesis statement.

02:34:55.000 So that's what I'll start writing and really start looking at all of these examples.

02:35:00.000 And I also have, like, it's in the same ballpark of that.

02:35:05.000 It's about how, like, people call, like, Green Book, like, a white savior movie.

02:35:09.000 And how this movie is about white people doing a good deed for black people back in the day. 0.99

02:35:15.000 And black people don't like white savior movies because, you know, it avoids the pain and the struggle and all that shit. 0.95

02:35:22.000 And I feel like white savior movies are just reactionary to powerful civil rights movies because nobody wants to be portrayed negatively. 0.99

02:35:30.000 So if there are enough civil rights movies that play white people as evil, it's inevitable that a white person is going to write a movie about, remember the time we drove you around to play the piano? 0.51

02:35:40.000 Like, that's... 0.73

02:35:43.000 It's inevitable.

02:35:44.000 We fed you chicken.

02:35:46.000 So don't just show all those evil things we did.

02:35:49.000 Let's also acknowledge the time we drove you around.

02:35:52.000 And I think if I go back and I look through the history of the box office over the last 20 years, I guarantee you I'll be able to find an oscillation between Powerful civil rights movie and white savior movie.

02:36:03.000 And when you write that out, you're just going to write bullet points and then just run it on stage?

02:36:08.000 No, now we'll do bullet points of all the movies.

02:36:11.000 So the next stage is I'll write all those movies out and I'll go on stage and do half of those movies one set.

02:36:16.000 The next set I'll do the other half of movies and see which ones resonate the quickest.

02:36:21.000 Right.

02:36:37.000 Where everybody knows the movie.

02:36:38.000 Correct.

02:36:38.000 But I haven't even seen it.

02:36:40.000 Yes.

02:36:40.000 So that's trial and error.

02:36:42.000 So that just has to go on stage a couple times.

02:36:44.000 And then, once I know what the movies are, then we write it. 1.00

02:36:46.000 Then you verbatim that shit. 1.00

02:36:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:36:48.000 And really fucking get it worked out. 1.00

02:36:49.000 That's black belt level comedy. 0.99

02:36:51.000 That's black belt level. 0.99

02:36:53.000 It's like you have to have like, this is not something that's obvious in front of you.

02:36:58.000 You have like a scaffolding.

02:36:59.000 And you're trying to construct this and figure out a way to squeeze the most juice out of it.

02:37:04.000 That's that white water rafting.

02:37:06.000 It's so rewarding when that gets pulled off. 0.99

02:37:10.000 I just feel like if you look at every genre, and it's not to defend a white savior movie as much as it is to just show why the fuck it happened. 0.99

02:37:18.000 Black people in the 90s, like Boys in the Hood. 1.00

02:37:22.000 In the 90s, that was the era of shoot-em-up, bang-bang-hood classics.

02:37:27.000 And somewhere around 95, 96, black cinema became much more positive and reinforcing.

02:37:33.000 And there was Waiting to Exhale and Poetic Justice and Above the Rim.

02:37:39.000 What's the other one?

02:37:40.000 Love Jones and Love in Basketball.

02:37:43.000 There were all these more positive black cinema.

02:37:45.000 That was in direct reaction to not wanting to be perceived and portrayed constantly in a negative light. 0.98

02:37:52.000 So I could probably go deep into the fucking weeds, race by race on cinema. 0.85

02:38:00.000 I could do all the Asian movies and end with Crazy Rich Asians as the counter to that, but it's not necessarily Asian savior. 0.96

02:38:07.000 I don't know how to connect that, but I believe there's a way with all of these cinematic movies to connect it all together.

02:38:16.000 And at that point, you probably got a 25-minute bit that you know needs to be chopped down to 10. But that's how you build the whole house, and then you just start chopping off wings.

02:38:27.000 And when you do that, are you writing it out?

02:38:29.000 Do you ever write things out while I was asking an essay form?

02:38:32.000 Because one of the things that I found that has a great benefit is I write things out not trying to be funny.

02:38:37.000 Instead of just...

02:38:39.000 Writing it out in a way where I'm trying to be funny, I just write it out like I'm writing an essay, like I'm writing an article for a magazine.

02:38:45.000 And then in doing that, I'll extract chunks that are funny.

02:38:50.000 Because I find that when I'm trying to write as a comic, I'm trying to write set-up punchline, it's too defining, it's too limiting.

02:38:57.000 But when I write in an open form, then funny ideas are in there, and I just come out and pull them.

02:39:05.000 Do you think part of that is having the advantage of the audience being with you immediately?

02:39:11.000 Like when you have your audience, you're afforded that opportunity?

02:39:15.000 Because it's weird because the way we build material now, I don't think that's how you did it when you first started.

02:39:21.000 Was it more about just the joke, the joke, the joke?

02:39:24.000 Yeah, you had to gain their confidence, right?

02:39:27.000 That was the thing.

02:39:28.000 You had to start strong.

02:39:29.000 You had to have a good opening bit. 1.00

02:39:31.000 You couldn't fuck around too much. 1.00

02:39:32.000 They had to have confidence in you. 1.00

02:39:33.000 This guy's going to waste my fucking time. 1.00

02:39:36.000 If you're on a show, when you're an amateur, there's fucking ten other people before you. 1.00

02:39:42.000 You have to grab them. 0.97

02:39:43.000 You gotta grab them.

02:39:44.000 You gotta grab them and show them that you have something.

02:39:46.000 But then, once you become an established comedian, the other problem is you're working with a bunch of other established comedians. 0.96

02:39:52.000 Like, say, if I'm working with you, and then there's Joey Diaz, and all these other fucking people that are going on that are murdering, and then you go up with some bullshit new stuff, that stuff has to be ready. 0.84

02:40:03.000 Having an established audience is great for a couple minutes. 1.00

02:40:08.000 And then you better have some shit. 0.99

02:40:10.000 It's almost like there's more expectations, so things have to be more tight. 1.00

02:40:15.000 But some people don't do that.

02:40:17.000 Some people don't do clubs anymore where they're working with a bunch of people.

02:40:21.000 They don't do like the store or the improv where they're working with a bunch of people.

02:40:24.000 Instead, they do their own shows.

02:40:26.000 They do their own shows only.

02:40:27.000 They have the same opening act all the time, and then people are there to see them, and it's a low bar.

02:40:32.000 They don't have to worry about it as much.

02:40:34.000 I think that's a mistake.

02:40:35.000 But I think the essay form, I started figuring that out maybe 10 years ago.

02:40:40.000 I started writing things in essay form.

02:40:42.000 I originally used to do it as blog posts.

02:40:45.000 I would write blog posts and I'd take those blog posts and I would extract ideas from them and then make it into comedy.

02:40:50.000 But I feel like the writing without the limitations of it needing to be funny is where I get the most ideas.

02:40:56.000 Yeah, and then you also have the most truth in there as well.

02:40:59.000 Yes, because I'm not just trying to bullshit people for a laugh. 0.66

02:41:02.000 I'm trying to find out, like, what is it, like, if that premise of, like, the White Savior movie, like, what is it about white people making these movies? 0.95

02:41:10.000 Like, what are they trying to, are they trying to defend something?

02:41:13.000 Are they trying to exonerate themselves?

02:41:16.000 Like, what are they trying to do when they make that movie?

02:41:17.000 Is it just a feel-good, is it their distorted idea of how to bring everybody together is to show that some white people were really good back then, even in the bad times?

02:41:26.000 Look, great movie.

02:41:27.000 Hey! 0.99

02:41:28.000 Good job, Michael.

02:41:30.000 Good job, Will.

02:41:31.000 Everybody did a great job in this movie.

02:41:33.000 What is it that's the motivation?

02:41:35.000 You find those gems of humor, those roots of humor in that.

02:41:41.000 Yeah, that's what I'll try that.

02:41:44.000 I'll try writing it out more before putting it on.

02:41:48.000 I just like writing that way because I don't have to do anything.

02:41:50.000 There's no expectation.

02:41:52.000 It's just thoughts.

02:41:53.000 Just spill the thoughts out.

02:41:55.000 And then you get absorbed in the writing.

02:41:57.000 And then in that absorption, you're a funny guy.

02:41:59.000 You're always going to think funny thoughts.

02:42:01.000 Those funny thoughts are going to come out. 0.99

02:42:03.000 When you're talking about something, you're like, what the fuck was this guy thinking? 0.95

02:42:06.000 And then you go on this whole rant about this thing that maybe... 0.96

02:42:09.000 If you didn't give yourself the opportunity to sit in front of a computer and just stare at the screen and stare at those keyboard You probably wouldn't have come up with that premise.

02:42:18.000 Also, once I have the joke in a decent shape, even if it's kind of loose, I start watching myself on mute.

02:42:28.000 I go from audio to once the joke has structure to video, and then just watching myself on mute and just seeing body language and just seeing, does this look funny?

02:42:41.000 Does this look...

02:42:42.000 That's interesting.

02:42:43.000 I've never done that.

02:42:45.000 Once I identified what my comedic strengths were, it's quick spastic movements, but not a lot of stage talking.

02:42:54.000 Walking the stage doesn't work for me.

02:42:56.000 I'm not Chris Rock.

02:42:57.000 So, operate in like a three-foot box to either side of center stage.

02:43:01.000 And if it's quick in head...

02:43:04.000 But nobody, if I take my head one way, then bring my shoulders, instead of bringing my head and shoulders at the same time on a turn, while I'm contemplating a point.

02:43:15.000 Something as simple as that For me, helps jokes.

02:43:19.000 And then I can go back and listen to the audio.

02:43:22.000 Go back and watch the video and see where I'm getting laughs just off movement and I haven't said a word yet.

02:43:27.000 And for me, it's quick movements and facial expressions.

02:43:30.000 Those are the extra little...

02:43:32.000 I call that the extra seasoning. 0.99

02:43:33.000 That's the shit that, you know, once you kind of get the joke in a good place, where can we add a little seasoning? 0.99

02:43:39.000 Is it a vocal inflection? 1.00

02:43:40.000 Is it coming down on this part?

02:43:42.000 Is it...

02:43:42.000 Looking this way, then looking that way.

02:43:45.000 Almost borderline performative on some acting shit, but just looking and finding places where the emotions can change. 0.94

02:43:54.000 And not necessarily on this line, I do this thing. 0.98

02:43:57.000 But it's just, oh, this part is funnier.

02:44:00.000 If I'm not as excited here, Foxworthy says, I was watching Bring the Funny and he told one of the contestants, if you start at a 10...

02:44:09.000 What's Bring the Funny?

02:44:09.000 It's a competition comedy show.

02:44:11.000 Is it a new show?

02:44:12.000 It's Last Comic Standing, but with sketch comics mixed in there as well.

02:44:16.000 So it's not strictly stand-up. 0.98

02:44:19.000 It's sketch and variety acts and all of that type of shit. 1.00

02:44:23.000 But the same shit. 1.00

02:44:24.000 You go out in front of three judges, somebody crushes your dreams, and then you talk shit about it behind their backs. 1.00

02:44:29.000 Oh my God. 0.99

02:44:30.000 Once you kicked off the show.

02:44:32.000 But he told somebody, once you started at 10, you have nowhere else to go.

02:44:37.000 So I try to keep that in mind in terms of just not being too big too soon with the material or just shifting gears.

02:44:44.000 It's...

02:44:45.000 It's a fascinating process, and we discussed this on the show many times before, that there's no books that can tell you how to do it.

02:44:52.000 One of the things that's really cool about this conversation is young guys coming up, young girls coming up that want to learn how to do comedy can listen to your process, and they'll get an idea of the map ahead.

02:45:02.000 They'll get an idea of the road, because there's no courses you can take that are ever going to prepare you.

02:45:08.000 You have to find established comedians and listen to them talk about how they do it.

02:45:12.000 In a sense, what we're doing is we're laying down Like, sort of a course for the up-and-coming class, for the people that are starting out now that don't really have anyone to show them how to do it.

02:45:27.000 They can cut a lot of time out by listening to a guy like you who's explaining the mistakes that he made and then the good choices that you made and then your process.

02:45:35.000 I tried.

02:45:36.000 One of the tricks that I had early on was to just avoid topics that anybody else was talking about.

02:45:42.000 And then even if the joke wasn't the funniest, I got credit for being original. 0.98

02:45:46.000 And I don't know if this will work for every comic, but I know coming up early 2000s in the back half of the Def Jam era, to be a black comic that wasn't talking about fucking and sucking and weed and You ever been so broke? 0.99

02:45:58.000 Like, I just, I didn't touch none of that shit. 0.99

02:46:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:46:01.000 So, to a mainstream booker, it was just, oh, wow, he did a joke about suicide.

02:46:06.000 Okay, well, let's make him.

02:46:08.000 Right, right, yeah.

02:46:09.000 Book him.

02:46:10.000 Well, there's such a... 0.99

02:46:10.000 It was just weird, off-brand shit, but still finding funny in that. 0.99

02:46:16.000 There's such a temptation to pick on tried and proven subjects because you know they'll work. 0.99

02:46:22.000 You're scared in the beginning, right?

02:46:24.000 Yeah.

02:46:26.000 I feel like you start as a weird image.

02:46:30.000 My first two years of comedy was this weird Martin Lawrence, Doug Stanhope hybrid child.

02:46:38.000 I don't know.

02:46:39.000 It was terrible.

02:46:40.000 It was very terrible.

02:46:42.000 But I started noticing that The first thing I needed to do, the first objective when I got on was, alright, all the road bookers said, you gotta get a TV credit.

02:46:53.000 You gotta get a TV credit and then I can pay you more.

02:46:56.000 Alright, well the only thing that was booking people on a regular was Comic View.

02:46:59.000 So BET's Comic View became the path, but then...

02:47:02.000 I didn't get Comic View like two, three years in a row, and I looked at the material I submitted versus the material that was being performed.

02:47:09.000 It was guys doing better versions of the same topics as me.

02:47:13.000 So, all right, this year, we're going to try doing different topics from everybody.

02:47:18.000 So I watched Comic View for a whole year, kept a log of every topic that was touched on for every episode, and just never did jokes about those topics.

02:47:25.000 Wow.

02:47:26.000 So you actually wrote it out?

02:47:27.000 Yeah.

02:47:28.000 Comic View came on every night, though.

02:47:30.000 Yeah, I remember back in the...

02:47:31.000 Like 2000, 2001. Comic View came on Monday through Friday, and it was six comics an episode.

02:47:38.000 So every week, you had a cross-section of what 40 motherfuckers were talking about. 0.98

02:47:42.000 Wow. 0.99

02:47:42.000 For 12 weeks. 0.99

02:47:43.000 And that's a shit ton of comedy.

02:47:45.000 That's a shit ton of topics. 0.93

02:47:46.000 And you'd be surprised.

02:47:46.000 There was a lot of repetition and overlap.

02:47:48.000 So by simply not talking about that shit... 0.99

02:47:52.000 It's enough to get you a little bit. 1.00

02:47:54.000 It's no different than what's happening now with the alt scene.

02:47:56.000 You're just a different delivery.

02:47:57.000 You're a different cadence.

02:47:59.000 You have a different look.

02:47:59.000 Being different is almost as important as being funny now.

02:48:03.000 Yes.

02:48:04.000 I don't think that being different should be prioritized over being funny. 0.93

02:48:09.000 But if you're different and you're fucking hilarious, then you... 0.80

02:48:12.000 Yeah, people appreciate it, for sure. 0.93

02:48:14.000 Just like any other genre of art, whether it's music or cinema, anything.

02:48:19.000 Being different is rewarded.

02:48:20.000 That's why I've always liked Emo Phillips, man.

02:48:22.000 Really?

02:48:23.000 Yeah, I used to like Emo.

02:48:24.000 Emo, I just wanted to do the thing.

02:48:28.000 And the cadence was never...

02:48:32.000 Typical!

02:48:34.000 At minimum it's different.

02:48:37.000 So he's challenging himself.

02:48:39.000 So I'm going to try that.

02:48:40.000 That's why I like Theo Vaughn.

02:48:42.000 Theo Vaughn's got Theo comedy.

02:48:46.000 You can't imitate that. 1.00

02:48:48.000 The only way that shit works is if it comes out of Theo's mouth. 1.00

02:48:51.000 It doesn't even make sense coming out of someone else's mouth. 1.00

02:48:53.000 Theo gets to laugh on He gets a laugh on the setup, and he gets a laugh on the pause.

02:48:59.000 Yeah.

02:49:00.000 And the pause is that anticipatory gig.

02:49:02.000 Like, they already know it's going to be good, and here it comes, here it comes.

02:49:07.000 Like, he's good, man.

02:49:09.000 Yeah, he's real good.

02:49:10.000 And I watched that guy turn a corner, man.

02:49:12.000 About two, three years ago, he just hit his groove.

02:49:15.000 He went full mullet.

02:49:16.000 He had a mullet before, but it was...

02:49:19.000 He just found that groove.

02:49:21.000 Like, whatever it is that made him...

02:49:23.000 He found what it is.

02:49:24.000 He found the frequency, and then he just hit into it.

02:49:27.000 And very, very, very original.

02:49:29.000 You'd never hear him talking about, like, stuff that other people have talked about.

02:49:33.000 There's a New York guy like that, Mark Norman.

02:49:35.000 Mark Norman has a way of...

02:49:36.000 Sure.

02:49:37.000 I love Mark Norman.

02:49:39.000 Pivoting.

02:49:39.000 He's coming on soon.

02:49:40.000 He's on here in a couple weeks.

02:49:42.000 He's great.

02:49:42.000 Norman just knows how to pivot in a way you think is going this way, and it's just a basketball crossover.

02:49:47.000 Very good writer.

02:49:49.000 Very good writer.

02:49:50.000 Well, listen, man, I've got to wrap this up, but this was awesome.

02:49:52.000 I really appreciate it.

02:49:53.000 I'm glad we finally did it.

02:49:54.000 Thank you so much.

02:49:55.000 It was awesome.

02:49:55.000 Thank you, Joe.

02:49:56.000 I've enjoyed your work for a long time, so I'm glad to have you on here, man.

02:49:59.000 I'll let you know when the Vietnam joke gets worked out. 0.82

02:50:01.000 Let it know.

02:50:02.000 Let us know.

02:50:03.000 It's going to need some time.

02:50:04.000 All right.

02:50:05.000 Bye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 21, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1338 - Roy Wood Jr

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Summary

Transcript