The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #134 - Kevin Smith (Part 2)

00:00:00.000 My brother just has this expression where he just kind of gives me the slow nod, which is, he's gone. 0.98

00:00:05.000 You know, my father was dead, and I went in and I saw him on a gurney and shit, and it was so strange. 0.89

00:00:10.000 And I go outside, and I was a smoker, like a cigarette smoker in those days. 0.92

00:00:13.000 I always go to have a cigarette, and Donald comes out, and I was like, oh, this is a shock, and whatever, you know, we were upset and stuff.

00:00:22.000 And I said, how was it?

00:00:24.000 Because he was there.

00:00:25.000 I said, what happened?

00:00:26.000 And Donald tells me the story of, like, Dad woke up and had this, like, big reaction, like, just like, I'm hot, I'm hot, and he was throwing the sheets off, and Mom freaked out.

00:00:35.000 She's like, what's the matter, what's the matter?

00:00:36.000 She told Donald, call the ambulance, call the hospital, and he was gone within seconds.

00:00:42.000 So, that's, you know, bad enough.

00:00:45.000 You know, he was hot and uncomfortable.

00:00:46.000 You didn't want to hear, like, oh, he died in his sleep, and we woke up, and he just didn't.

00:00:50.000 But then my brother says this thing, probably defined my life.

00:00:53.000 My brother goes, he died screaming.

00:00:57.000 And I go, what?

00:00:59.000 And he goes, he died screaming.

00:01:01.000 And I was like, I mean, is that a figure of speech?

00:01:04.000 And he goes, no, he literally, he died screaming.

00:01:07.000 And you could see my brother was haunted by it.

00:01:10.000 And my father wasn't like a, I wouldn't say he was a butch man or a strong man, but he wasn't a soft man by the stretch of the imagination.

00:01:17.000 And I never heard him get real loud or anything like that.

00:01:20.000 And the notion of my father dying screaming It changed my life because I was like, even a good man in this world, you play the game, you play it straight, you play it by the rules, you do everything you're supposed to, you're going to die screaming. 0.99

00:01:32.000 And at that point, I was like, there's no point in not trying to accomplish every stupid fucking dream I've got. 1.00

00:01:39.000 Even if it's dumb shit like fucking, you know, oh my god, I've always wanted to collect this many fucking Wayne Gretzky cards in one fucking binder. 1.00

00:01:46.000 Or if it's like, I want to make a movie. 1.00

00:01:48.000 Or if it's like, I want to put on a podcast.

00:01:50.000 Or I want to do a TV show now.

00:01:51.000 Or I want to write a book.

00:01:52.000 Chase it all down.

00:01:54.000 Chasing whimsies is what I've been doing for the last few years.

00:01:56.000 Just smoking weed and chasing whimsies.

00:01:58.000 Any time I'm like, back in the day, I'd have a good idea, something I really wanted to follow through on. 0.99

00:02:02.000 And so you get scared, you start thinking about what some motherfucker's gonna say. 1.00

00:02:06.000 And be like, oh, it's stupid. 1.00

00:02:07.000 Why would you fucking do that? 1.00

00:02:09.000 And fucking why, why? 1.00

00:02:10.000 A lot of why people in this world. 1.00

00:02:11.000 I try to surround myself with the why nots, motherfuckers. 1.00

00:02:14.000 So you're like, I want to try this. 1.00

00:02:15.000 They're like, why not?

00:02:16.000 Let's go.

00:02:16.000 Let's give it a shot.

00:02:17.000 You got to be game, man. 1.00

00:02:18.000 People help you achieve your dreams and shit. 1.00

00:02:20.000 So for me, the last few years, I've just been trying to accomplish every dopey dream, the big shit, the little shit. 1.00

00:02:26.000 You got to do them all. 1.00

00:02:27.000 You can't just do the climb every mountain shit. 0.98

00:02:30.000 You know, sometimes lay the bar down, step over it and be like, ta-da, so you feel accomplished. 0.99

00:02:34.000 But chase it all and do it all, because we're all going to die screaming.

00:02:38.000 And you might as well enjoy it here. 0.97

00:02:40.000 And when I say chase it all, don't fucking do it at the expense of someone else. 0.96

00:02:44.000 Obviously, don't hurt somebody else. 0.96

00:02:46.000 But go after your dreams, man. 0.99

00:02:48.000 If your dream is to like, I want to kill 12 children, I'm not talking to you. 0.84

00:02:52.000 But go after your dreams if they're not going to hurt anybody. 0.99

00:02:55.000 You seem...

00:02:56.000 I wish I knew you before you became famous.

00:02:58.000 Because you seem like, if I had a guess, I bet you haven't changed at all.

00:03:02.000 Yeah, the same person pretty much.

00:03:04.000 Now, how did you navigate that?

00:03:06.000 That's a very...

00:03:06.000 My friends, those dudes.

00:03:07.000 Those dudes that I was kidding about, they don't want to do the show.

00:03:10.000 And that is, they really don't want to.

00:03:12.000 I mean, not really like, Kevin, we don't want to do this.

00:03:14.000 But Walter's just like, oh man...

00:03:15.000 So you think they just grounded you so much?

00:03:18.000 You never gave in to the tide of craziness out here? 1.00

00:03:21.000 I mean, I've never had butch friends who, like, fucking punch you and wrestle and shit. 1.00

00:03:26.000 I think that's called butch. 1.00

00:03:27.000 I mean, it is to a fae dude like me.

00:03:29.000 That's butch dudes. 0.99

00:03:30.000 Those are bullies. 0.68

00:03:31.000 But, like, the hard boys, as my mom used to say when I was a kid.

00:03:34.000 Leave those hard boys alone, Kevin. 0.98

00:03:37.000 I didn't have the roughhouse playing around like, let's wrestle and shit like that. 0.99

00:03:41.000 What I had was more psychological, more oral. 0.99

00:03:44.000 And that sounds dirty, but I don't mean oral. 0.74

00:03:46.000 More like the dozens. 1.00

00:03:48.000 Motherfuckers keeping you tight. 1.00

00:03:49.000 You grow up fat. 1.00

00:03:50.000 You gotta be fucking sharp. 1.00

00:03:52.000 Stay on your toes or else you're a fucking victim every time you walk in a room. 1.00

00:03:55.000 Because most of the world don't look like you. 1.00

00:03:57.000 So you get sharp. 1.00

00:03:58.000 You learn how to fucking... 1.00

00:03:59.000 Take yourself out first before anybody else can. 1.00

00:04:02.000 Steal their thunder. 1.00

00:04:03.000 Hey, I'm fucking fat. 1.00

00:04:04.000 And then people are like, oh, he knows. 1.00

00:04:06.000 And then you've removed their fucking card. 0.99

00:04:08.000 You're taking their biggest weapon out of their quiver, the biggest thing they got. 0.99

00:04:11.000 And then suddenly you've changed the focus and, hey, he's easy with himself, blah, blah, blah. 0.99

00:04:16.000 And it makes people, you know, just all that shit you pick up over the years. 0.99

00:04:21.000 It's what shapes you. 1.00

00:04:23.000 It's what makes you who you are.

00:04:24.000 So being able to hang out with people who were quick enough to shred you, but you had to be able to protect yourself.

00:04:31.000 It's like hanging out with ninjas all the time.

00:04:33.000 Or not ninjas so much as Kato from the old Pink Panther movies where he just hired him to literally attack him out of nowhere.

00:04:40.000 That's what your friends do. 0.99

00:04:41.000 They just attack you out of fucking nowhere. 0.99

00:04:43.000 And so by doing this all the time, it made me sharp. 0.99

00:04:46.000 But it also kept me very, very real. 0.98

00:04:48.000 So these cats, even when the movies would take off, or I was doing this one or this one, they were never like, oh my god, the fucking, we had no idea you were hidden genius. 0.96

00:04:58.000 They remained the same exact individuals. 0.96

00:04:59.000 Did they ever tell you I didn't like that one? 1.00

00:05:01.000 Oh, fuck yes. 1.00

00:05:02.000 Really? 1.00

00:05:02.000 Yes. 1.00

00:05:03.000 Oh, yes.

00:05:04.000 In a heartbeat.

00:05:05.000 They'll let you know.

00:05:06.000 And they'll let you, like, I brought them on to Mallrats to come work on the movie and stuff, and they made it, they were in it in a few scenes, but they worked beyond the scenes.

00:05:14.000 They quit after about two weeks because they're just like, I don't want to do this.

00:05:17.000 I have no interest in this.

00:05:19.000 I mean, and that's cool.

00:05:20.000 Like, I respected that.

00:05:20.000 I was like, that's Brian.

00:05:23.000 That's Walter.

00:05:23.000 Like, that's who they are rather than be like, all right, man, we're going to do it because it might upset Kev.

00:05:29.000 If we don't, they're just like, oh, we don't want to do this, dude.

00:05:32.000 Be true to thine own self kind of thing.

00:05:33.000 I'm sorry.

00:05:34.000 What makes you think that without them, you wouldn't be you, though?

00:05:37.000 What makes you think that without them, you wouldn't have pulled yourself to the ground?

00:05:40.000 I wouldn't have had that sense of humor.

00:05:42.000 I think my sense of humor largely came from them, largely came from my friend, Brian Johnson and Walter also kind of shaped it to some degree.

00:05:50.000 I was funny, like, don't get me wrong, in high school I write sketches for the comedy shows and shit like that.

00:05:56.000 But it was their sensibility, married to whatever sensibility I had as one of three kids raised Catholic in Highlands, New Jersey, that clicked.

00:06:07.000 That, like, kind of made me the version of me you know.

00:06:10.000 The person that you would want to meet or the person like that was different It was like Kev, 18 years old, 17, 18, before he started hanging out with Brian and Walter.

00:06:20.000 Those were the cats that kind of helped me define who I was.

00:06:23.000 And if you look at Clerks, that movie is, I'm kind of Dante, and my friend Brian Johnson is meant to be Randall, the guy that I most wanted to be.

00:06:32.000 He always knew what to say. 0.97

00:06:33.000 He was fucking funny in a room and shit like that. 1.00

00:06:35.000 Really misanthropic and stuff. 0.99

00:06:38.000 And so it kind of all communicated.

00:06:40.000 Without those cats, I know I wouldn't have the jobs I've had because I wouldn't have the sense of humor I have now.

00:06:45.000 And I don't think I'd be...

00:06:47.000 Let's say I got into entertainment somehow, I doubt I'd be as grounded.

00:06:51.000 Knowing those dudes have kept me kind of grounded for years.

00:06:54.000 That's pretty cool, man.

00:06:55.000 It's good to have something like that in your life, man.

00:06:58.000 Nobody else is smoking weed.

00:06:59.000 Why aren't you smoking weed?

00:07:00.000 I thought this was a weed show.

00:07:01.000 We already got high.

00:07:02.000 You want to get high again?

00:07:03.000 Let's get higher.

00:07:04.000 Okay.

00:07:05.000 We can get high. 0.99

00:07:06.000 Why the fuck are we experiencing it higher? 0.99

00:07:09.000 Kevin just gave me a heart attack and he didn't even realize it. 0.99

00:07:12.000 What way?

00:07:12.000 In what way?

00:07:13.000 By talking about all that life thing, I almost died Friday night.

00:07:17.000 When?

00:07:17.000 I was out in...

00:07:19.000 You just told me, and I'm like, when?

00:07:22.000 I was at a karaoke bar in Burbank, right across the street from the Jay Leno show, like the NBC building and stuff like that.

00:07:27.000 It's called Dimples.

00:07:29.000 I drive past that.

00:07:30.000 I've seen that place.

00:07:31.000 I came out, me and my girlfriend, around 1130, and we were walking out the front, and we parked.

00:07:36.000 So I'm opening the door for her to get in. 1.00

00:07:37.000 Out of nowhere, this big, tall, black guy, about 6'2", wearing a fake gray beard, like a Santa Claus beard, that was, like, tied on with white strings and a hat and this big hobo jacket, shoves a gun to my chest, and was like, give me your fucking wallet. 1.00

00:07:52.000 Oh, man, you're harsher my buzz. 0.99

00:07:53.000 Yeah, and then, never mind.

00:07:54.000 Keep going.

00:07:55.000 Keep going.

00:07:56.000 My girlfriend was pretty drunk. 1.00

00:08:01.000 I'm not scared of your stuff.

00:08:03.000 My girlfriend was pretty drunk because she has social anxiety so she drinks when she goes out.

00:08:09.000 She thought it was a joke.

00:08:10.000 She looked over and thought this was a character or something.

00:08:12.000 Right. 1.00

00:08:13.000 And so he's like, give me your fucking purse, bitch. 1.00

00:08:23.000 And she's like looking at him like, what? 1.00

00:08:25.000 Like she was drunk and shocked.

00:08:27.000 And I'm like, give him the purse.

00:08:29.000 And so she gave him the purse. 1.00

00:08:31.000 And then he goes, get in the car, lay on your fucking stomach. 1.00

00:08:34.000 And he's shoving the gun in my back while I'm laying in the car. 1.00

00:08:36.000 And I'm thinking like, all right, this is like execution style.

00:08:39.000 Like he's telling me to, you know, get in there.

00:08:40.000 And then suddenly he goes, lay down to my girlfriend.

00:08:43.000 And she laid down on her back because she was just so freaked out. 1.00

00:08:46.000 And he said, I said lay on your fucking stomach, bitch! 1.00

00:08:49.000 And he's like just shoving a gun in her back. 1.00

00:08:51.000 And then finally we're just like both laying there.

00:08:53.000 And then he slams the door and then just takes off.

00:08:56.000 And so now, the other day I was at the grocery store, and I saw a black guy that was tall, and now I'm freaking out. 1.00

00:09:01.000 If it was a redhead that robbed me, it would have been the same way. 1.00

00:09:04.000 But now I see these guys, and I'm becoming a racist from the 50s now, where I'm walking around like, what's he doing on my side of the store?

00:09:11.000 It's crazy!

00:09:12.000 It's like, at this point, you were in that moment, dude.

00:09:17.000 What was it like?

00:09:18.000 It was really, when I was laying there, it was like, this is it.

00:09:22.000 What did you think?

00:09:24.000 I didn't think about anything except my girlfriend the whole time.

00:09:27.000 Hearing him yell at her, you think that you're just going to look around and look for a weapon or something like that, but when you're in that big of a shock, you're just like, Defenseless.

00:09:37.000 I'm so not the butch dude that's like, where's a weapon?

00:09:42.000 I'm going to do this. 1.00

00:09:44.000 My reaction is going to be like, let me suck your dick. 1.00

00:09:46.000 Let us go. 1.00

00:09:47.000 I will suck your dick until you let us go. 1.00

00:09:49.000 And he's like, you've got a girlfriend. 1.00

00:09:50.000 I'm like, still, I'll be better than her.

00:09:52.000 I can really deliver.

00:09:54.000 That's where I go with it.

00:09:55.000 I would never go defensive or offensive.

00:09:57.000 All these people online, of course, are like, that's what you get for not doing jiu-jitsu!

00:10:00.000 And I'm like, if I had two guns in my pocket, I still would have done it. 1.00

00:10:03.000 You still would have been fucked. 1.00

00:10:04.000 Even if you had yourself strapped to dynamite, maybe, then you could be like, look at this, bitch! 1.00

00:10:09.000 Yeah, people, those you should have people should shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:10:13.000 No one knows what that's like until that happens to you. 0.98

00:10:15.000 And you should always give someone what they want. 0.98

00:10:18.000 Usually they just want to fucking get your money and run away. 1.00

00:10:21.000 They don't want to shoot you. 0.99

00:10:21.000 Is that the case? 0.99

00:10:23.000 Usually.

00:10:23.000 You hear it once in a while though, like old lady, you know, did nothing, still gets shot or something like that.

00:10:28.000 Yeah, that does happen sometimes. 0.99

00:10:29.000 If it's a young kid on fucking PCP, it's really a gamble. 0.98

00:10:33.000 You're right, you're right. 0.99

00:10:34.000 I'm Burbank.

00:10:36.000 What time were you leaving this place?

00:10:37.000 About midnight.

00:10:38.000 And three months before that, or six months before that, I was in Fuddruckers in Burbank, and some guy's stealing this girl's purse and running out the door, and I'm chasing him.

00:10:46.000 I'm like, I'm in Burbank right now.

00:10:49.000 And we talked about the Kmart shooting in one podcast.

00:10:53.000 There was a shooting at Kmart in Burbank, and the officer that got shot was the one that came to rescue me the other night.

00:11:02.000 And I was like, you're the one officer.

00:11:04.000 And he's like, yeah, I got shot in the leg and stuff like that.

00:11:09.000 A celebrity guy?

00:11:10.000 Well, he's been shot at in Burbank and Kmart.

00:11:15.000 So you saw him on TV? Yeah.

00:11:18.000 But it seems like you always hear Burbank is so safe and stuff like that.

00:11:22.000 Yeah, you don't think a Burbank is like, Bob Hope lived there.

00:11:25.000 How could it be?

00:11:26.000 There could be no terrible...

00:11:28.000 I wonder how many chicks want to bone that guy because he's the celebrity cop that got shot. 0.97

00:11:33.000 I bet a bunch, right? 0.66

00:11:34.000 Gotta be, right? 1.00

00:11:35.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:11:36.000 There are chicks that want to fuck fat dudes. 1.00

00:11:38.000 There gotta be chicks that want to fuck fucking a hero cop. 1.00

00:11:41.000 Hero cop that got shot in the leg. 1.00

00:11:42.000 I bet that guy is beating off the pussy. 1.00

00:11:45.000 I was waiting for forensics. 1.00

00:11:46.000 I had to wait like four hours.

00:11:48.000 They closed off helicopters and everything.

00:11:50.000 There was cops and stuff.

00:11:51.000 And then they wanted to fingerprint my car.

00:11:54.000 So I'm just sitting there.

00:11:54.000 And he's asking my girlfriend weird questions.

00:11:58.000 Like, so what do you do?

00:11:59.000 Oh, you're a dancer, huh?

00:12:01.000 And stuff like that.

00:12:02.000 It was weird.

00:12:03.000 No, he was totally an awesome, nice cop.

00:12:06.000 But it was kind of weird hearing my girlfriend having to talk like, yeah, I'm an exotic dancer.

00:12:10.000 No, but just asking weird questions.

00:12:12.000 Like what?

00:12:13.000 Was he going as close to hitting on her as he could and still remaining a cop?

00:12:17.000 Was he doing like, why are you with this guy?

00:12:20.000 You should be protected with somebody else.

00:12:23.000 I don't know.

00:12:23.000 You see me and then you see my girlfriend.

00:12:25.000 Maybe he thought I paid for her if she was a hooker or something. 1.00

00:12:29.000 How long do you know this guy? 0.99

00:12:30.000 You got the she's out of your league look. 0.96

00:12:33.000 Right, exactly. 0.99

00:12:34.000 Brian fucks way over his head. 0.99

00:12:36.000 But what's weird is... 0.99

00:12:37.000 I don't even know what's weird.

00:12:39.000 Oh, but it's weird.

00:12:40.000 He was talking to me and asking me all these questions.

00:12:41.000 And I was like, yeah, I would like to be a cop, but I like marijuana too much.

00:12:45.000 And he goes, yeah, I see that.

00:12:46.000 You know, marijuana.

00:12:47.000 And he's like, it's going to be legal soon, so don't worry about that.

00:12:50.000 Cops said that?

00:12:50.000 Yeah.

00:12:50.000 I was like, all right, this cop is great.

00:12:52.000 Yeah, I don't know if he's got a fucking crystal ball. 0.99

00:12:55.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:55.000 Come on, man. 0.99

00:12:56.000 Come on, man.

00:12:57.000 That was the only silver lining to that horrible story.

00:13:00.000 Was like, at the end of it, the cop was like, don't worry, kid.

00:13:03.000 One day, weed's gonna be leaving. 0.98

00:13:04.000 And now I'm scared of black wizards. 0.99

00:13:06.000 Wizards? 0.98

00:13:07.000 Wizards with a beard?

00:13:08.000 Yeah, like I'm gonna be a Halloween. 0.99

00:13:10.000 There's gonna be one black wizard that's gonna attack me like a screen mask. 1.00

00:13:12.000 That's gonna be an internet meme, my friend. 1.00

00:13:14.000 Black wizards. 0.95

00:13:15.000 That created a black wizard joke. 0.99

00:13:17.000 No!

00:13:17.000 You're scared of monsters, you know, like werewolves and stuff.

00:13:19.000 That's what I'm smoking, my strain is.

00:13:20.000 I'm not scared of werewolves, bro.

00:13:22.000 I love werewolf movies.

00:13:22.000 I just have my own monster now, though.

00:13:23.000 I'm scared of jaguars and panthers.

00:13:25.000 Did you see the video?

00:13:25.000 And now I'm a monster.

00:13:26.000 Did you see the video I tweeted the other day of a jaguar killing a fucking crocodile? 0.99

00:13:30.000 Somebody tweeted it to me and I retweeted it. 1.00

00:13:32.000 It's a jaguar killing a fucking crocodile. 1.00

00:13:34.000 Right. 1.00

00:13:35.000 How scary are jaguars?

00:13:37.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:13:37.000 They look at a crocodile and they're like, hmm, let me just fuck. 1.00

00:13:39.000 Fourth reference you've made to a jaguar. 1.00

00:13:41.000 They do scare you.

00:13:43.000 They're terrifying.

00:13:43.000 He likes listening to Led Zeppelin.

00:13:44.000 Big cats.

00:13:45.000 Big cats to me.

00:13:46.000 Well, not here.

00:13:48.000 Fortunately.

00:13:48.000 But there are pumas in this neighborhood.

00:13:50.000 Really?

00:13:50.000 Oh yeah, for real.

00:13:51.000 Whenever you see deer, there's deer in this neighborhood and there's pumas.

00:13:54.000 Alright, so there's two neighborhoods to stay out of.

00:13:56.000 This one and Burbank.

00:13:57.000 It's not uncommon.

00:13:58.000 People have spotted them in this community several times.

00:14:01.000 Really?

00:14:02.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:14:02.000 Like mountain cats and shit? 0.99

00:14:03.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:14:03.000 I mean, there's a known population of them that live, like, around Topanga Canyon in this area. 0.99

00:14:09.000 And they travel really far.

00:14:10.000 Like, one of them, they tracked from South Dakota all the way to Connecticut.

00:14:14.000 A Puma?

00:14:15.000 It got hit by a car in Connecticut.

00:14:17.000 And they had decided...

00:14:18.000 Yeah, I saw this article. 1.00

00:14:19.000 Yeah, so they did the DNA test on this fucker, and they found out that it's from South Dakota. 0.98

00:14:24.000 So this is from a group of genetics from South Dakota. 0.99

00:14:27.000 This thing had walked 1,800 miles.

00:14:29.000 He was looking for sugar to put in his teeth.

00:14:31.000 Mm-hmm.

00:14:31.000 A lump?

00:14:31.000 Oh, three or four.

00:14:33.000 Or a dog or two.

00:14:35.000 Eating some nice plump dogs along the way.

00:14:39.000 Downing mutts on the way.

00:14:40.000 Little dogs like mine.

00:14:42.000 Alright man, let's change up the topic.

00:14:45.000 You're scaring me.

00:14:47.000 Now I don't want to go out to my car in this neighborhood and I don't want to get out of my car in other neighborhoods. 0.99

00:14:51.000 You should just watch the video of the jaguar killing a crocodile because it is fucking amazing. 0.99

00:14:55.000 Because you look at a crocodile and you look, that is a goddamn dinosaur. 0.99

00:14:58.000 Yeah, it's a dinosaur. 1.00

00:14:59.000 It should win. 0.95

00:14:59.000 This armor-plated, evil lizard. 0.95

00:15:02.000 Who would fuck with that? 1.00

00:15:03.000 And the jaguar, just playful with this fucking crocodile, knows it's going to kill it. 1.00

00:15:08.000 He's just playing with it. 1.00

00:15:09.000 Swats at it, paws at it, just looks for the right moment, gets sideways on it, and then butts it right behind the fucking head. 1.00

00:15:15.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:15:16.000 It's like, if they're not scared of crocodiles...

00:15:20.000 What hope do we have?

00:15:22.000 Our fleshy bags of pink, you know? 0.77

00:15:25.000 These big, black, muscular, evil-looking cats.

00:15:28.000 In a world where you've been following up on wildlife attack stories, you've been seeing all the bear stories lately?

00:15:34.000 Yeah, two bears in Yellowstone this year.

00:15:36.000 The animal bears?

00:15:37.000 Two guys have been killed by bears in Yellowstone this year.

00:15:40.000 It's rare.

00:15:41.000 You read that story online about the kid who got bit by the polar bear.

00:15:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:15:45.000 That was fucking astounding. 0.99

00:15:47.000 The dude literally tells a story where him and his troop are out in the fucking woods or something like that. 0.99

00:15:54.000 And there's a kid sleeping next to him in a tent. 0.99

00:15:58.000 And this polar bear comes fucking through the tent. 0.99

00:16:00.000 The kid woke up to, like, wailing and gnashing of teeth and the fucking thing growling, and blood all over its face. 0.99

00:16:06.000 And the thing bit him on the head, had his head in its mouth. 0.98

00:16:11.000 A polar bear had this kid's head in his mouth, and he said... 0.99

00:16:15.000 It bit so hard, they cracked his fucking skull. 0.99

00:16:17.000 And he heard it crack in his head, and what he also heard in his head, louder than life, sense-around style from the 70s, was growling, because its fucking mouth was over his ear, dude. 1.00

00:16:32.000 And he starts punching this fucking beast in the head. 1.00

00:16:35.000 Punching it in the head real hard and shit. 1.00

00:16:38.000 And finally it lets go enough for him to make a move or something like that. 1.00

00:16:42.000 So he survived.

00:16:44.000 His buddy who was right next to him died.

00:16:46.000 And they interviewed the kid and he was talking about it.

00:16:48.000 He's like, I got a lot of guilt, man.

00:16:50.000 It could have been me.

00:16:51.000 If I had slept on that side, I'd be dead.

00:16:54.000 But I'm like, dude, you got your head bit by a polar bear.

00:16:56.000 I'm not going to say it's worse, but that's pretty damn bad.

00:16:59.000 So he got away and it just went after his friend next?

00:17:01.000 No, his friend was done for.

00:17:03.000 By the time the kid woke up, the polar bear had taken what it wanted, I think, from his friend.

00:17:07.000 It mauled him instantly.

00:17:09.000 It's at his face, I believe.

00:17:10.000 Oh my god.

00:17:11.000 Yeah, man.

00:17:12.000 Nature, what do you think it is?

00:17:13.000 Do you think it's like they're hungry and the weather condition changes and they're just coming into the neighborhoods now?

00:17:18.000 Because you didn't hear a lot about this back in the day.

00:17:20.000 But a lot of it happening now.

00:17:22.000 A lot more shark attacks, a lot more bear attacks.

00:17:25.000 Is that really true statistically?

00:17:27.000 Well, I'm asking.

00:17:28.000 I don't know.

00:17:28.000 You would know more.

00:17:29.000 Maybe it's just I'm reading more about it.

00:17:30.000 Well, we have more access to information.

00:17:32.000 I do know that they said with this Yellowstone attack that the last time there had been a death from bears in Yellowstones, it was in the 80s.

00:17:38.000 86, yeah.

00:17:39.000 Yeah, so that's a long time, man. 1.00

00:17:41.000 I mean, shit. 0.99

00:17:42.000 That's a long-ass time. 1.00

00:17:44.000 You know, it's for nothing to get killed, and then all of a sudden, two people get killed quickly.

00:17:48.000 But those two people could have been sprinkled any time along the way.

00:17:52.000 You're in the wrong place at the wrong time.

00:17:54.000 You zig when you should have zagged.

00:17:56.000 It didn't rain enough, so there's not enough food, and then all of a sudden bears start eating other things.

00:18:01.000 Bears are omnivores.

00:18:02.000 That's the crazy thing about them. 1.00

00:18:04.000 They can eat whatever the fuck they want. 0.99

00:18:05.000 So it's like us. 0.99

00:18:06.000 But the terrible thing about bears is, because they're not strict carnivores, they don't kill their prey before they eat it.

00:18:14.000 They just start eating. 0.99

00:18:16.000 I'm going to stand for a bit, and I just don't want the camera looking at my dick the whole time. 0.99

00:18:20.000 That was the only reason. 0.99

00:18:22.000 We could all stand.

00:18:23.000 No, I just wanted to stretch.

00:18:24.000 No, no, I'm all good.

00:18:25.000 How long are you going to stand for?

00:18:26.000 Only until it gets awkward.

00:18:29.000 And then I'll kick back down. 1.00

00:18:32.000 Do your balls ever fall asleep from sitting too much? 0.99

00:18:34.000 Lately, I think I've been sitting a certain way where it squeezes the blood pressure off of one of my balls and then it feels like my whole crotch is numb. 1.00

00:18:42.000 That's the inevitable progression to you growing a vagina. 1.00

00:18:44.000 What's going to happen is... 1.00

00:18:45.000 Your balls are going to melt together and then pop open. 0.99

00:18:50.000 You remember that scene in John Carpenter's The Thing where the chest cavity opens up and becomes a big mouth? 1.00

00:18:56.000 That's going to be your new pussy. 1.00

00:18:58.000 That's your new pussy. 1.00

00:19:00.000 No, my balls don't fall asleep usually. 1.00

00:19:02.000 Never? 0.98

00:19:03.000 Have you never had that happen?

00:19:03.000 It's such a weird feeling.

00:19:05.000 No, but my...

00:19:05.000 Is it good?

00:19:06.000 Should I try it?

00:19:07.000 No, it's horrible.

00:19:07.000 I do the Ari Shafir sometimes, though.

00:19:09.000 When I'm reading... 0.99

00:19:10.000 You know he has that joke about taking a shit and his legs go numb? 1.00

00:19:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:19:13.000 And you get off and fall down to the ground? 1.00

00:19:15.000 Yeah.

00:19:15.000 I read magazines all the time in the toilet, and you do.

00:19:18.000 If you read magazines, essentially you're choking out your leg.

00:19:21.000 Yeah.

00:19:21.000 That's why jiu-jitsu works.

00:19:23.000 Jiu-jitsu works because you cut off the blood.

00:19:24.000 And what you're doing when your feet go numb is you're putting all this pressure on yourself and weight.

00:19:28.000 You're essentially choking out your legs.

00:19:30.000 The hemorrhoids.

00:19:31.000 That's what it is?

00:19:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:19:32.000 When you choke someone out in a jujitsu choke, what you're doing is you're stopping the blood to their brain.

00:19:37.000 You're cutting it off.

00:19:38.000 You're stopping it from happening.

00:19:40.000 You're squeezing it.

00:19:40.000 And that's what you're doing when you're sitting here on the toilet.

00:19:42.000 If you have this hard surface beneath your leg and then you're on top of your leg, you're basically giving your feet a slow choke.

00:19:48.000 Oh my god, dude.

00:19:50.000 Alright.

00:19:50.000 I do this all the time.

00:19:52.000 I do too.

00:19:53.000 I sit on the toilet for so long that when I get up...

00:19:56.000 I got pins and needles and I can't walk.

00:19:58.000 And I have to lean on the wall.

00:19:59.000 And then, like, sometimes I'll try to man up and get through it.

00:20:02.000 But by the time I hit the bedroom, like, you start laughing because it's so, you're out of control of it.

00:20:08.000 Because the nerves are all dead.

00:20:10.000 And my wife's just like, how long, when are you going to learn? 1.00

00:20:13.000 Like, you go in, you shit, you get out. 1.00

00:20:15.000 Like, why are you staying in there until your fucking leg falls asleep? 1.00

00:20:19.000 And I was like, because I'm getting shit done. 1.00

00:20:21.000 But I guess that's unhealthy. 0.99

00:20:23.000 I read car magazines.

00:20:25.000 Is that what you do?

00:20:26.000 I go on the internet, tweet.

00:20:27.000 It's the only time I read car magazines.

00:20:29.000 I won't let myself go on the internet in the toilet. 0.81

00:20:31.000 That's where it gets ridiculous.

00:20:33.000 I'm like, I'm down to the occasional magazine. 0.74

00:20:35.000 At least let me finish a Matt Taibbi Rolling Stone article in here on the crapper.

00:20:40.000 Do you wipe sitting up or sitting down? 1.00

00:20:43.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:20:43.000 You mean stand? 1.00

00:20:44.000 Yeah, standing up.

00:20:45.000 Who are you?

00:20:45.000 I've never done that.

00:20:46.000 You never stand and wiped up?

00:20:47.000 Only when I was a kid, and this is weird.

00:20:49.000 Wow, alright, you're getting something out of me I haven't said publicly, maybe ever.

00:20:54.000 When I was a kid... 0.98

00:20:55.000 I remember, like, I'd take a shit, and I'm trying to remember what age this stopped, but I'd be like, I'm done, and somebody would get up, you'd stand up, and they'd wipe your ass for you, and I think I did that until I was, like, seven, which is weird. 0.98

00:21:07.000 It is weird. 0.99

00:21:08.000 Yeah, but it was pretty good, like, in terms of, like, I didn't really have to figure out how to fucking wipe my own shit until that point. 0.97

00:21:15.000 And then you had to train yourself to do it from sitting down. 0.95

00:21:18.000 But I think it's an ever perfected, or an ever perfecting art form, like the art of the wipe. 1.00

00:21:23.000 It's not, you know, there's no one true measure, and I think it develops as you get older, you learn better technique and stuff.

00:21:31.000 But no, not since then.

00:21:33.000 I'm more of a front wiper, though. 0.98

00:21:35.000 Because I've got a lot of back fat, rather than reach around, I'll lean forward and reach through my legs, so I'm wiping almost like my man puss. 0.99

00:21:45.000 But I clear the balls so it doesn't hit my balls or anything like that. 0.99

00:21:48.000 How fascinating stuff it is. 0.82

00:21:51.000 The wet wipes have really helped my life ever since.

00:21:54.000 Did they just come out of nowhere?

00:21:55.000 Couldn't they have those in the 70s or something?

00:21:57.000 Will Smith was the first one that called them to my potential.

00:22:00.000 I mean, they had baby wipes forever, but these flushables they didn't have. 0.99

00:22:02.000 Will Smith, asshole cleaning aficionado. 1.00

00:22:04.000 Yeah, big time, man. 0.99

00:22:05.000 He talked about it in an interview.

00:22:07.000 Really?

00:22:08.000 Yeah, he did.

00:22:08.000 He literally talked about it in an interview.

00:22:10.000 He was just like, Barry Sonnenfeld on Men in Black turned me on to...

00:22:14.000 Wet wipes or handy wipes for going.

00:22:17.000 He's like, why would you use toilet paper when you can use this?

00:22:19.000 He's like, I haven't gotten back since.

00:22:21.000 So one day I went out and got a pack. 0.98

00:22:23.000 I was like, this is fucking amazing. 0.99

00:22:24.000 It's like taking a shower. 0.99

00:22:25.000 Do you flush them?

00:22:26.000 Yeah, but these are flushable.

00:22:27.000 Yeah, they say they're flushable.

00:22:29.000 Let me tell you what happens.

00:22:30.000 I've used them for four years and I've never had any problems.

00:22:33.000 But I had a problem.

00:22:34.000 I had a septic problem.

00:22:36.000 I had a tree growing inside my pipe. 0.94

00:22:41.000 The most ridiculous thing. 0.95

00:22:43.000 I tweeted it. 0.89

00:22:44.000 It's almost impossible to find now.

00:22:46.000 Someone on the internet will find it.

00:22:49.000 Literally, there was a branch growing.

00:22:51.000 It was huge.

00:22:52.000 This crazy root system and everything that was growing in my toilet.

00:22:55.000 I kept having this clogged up toilet.

00:22:57.000 It didn't matter if I poured Drano on it.

00:22:59.000 Nothing would work.

00:22:59.000 So I had these guys come over.

00:23:01.000 I figured they were just going to snake the toilet. 1.00

00:23:02.000 Well, they cut out a fucking tree. 1.00

00:23:04.000 Because nature is such a motherfucker that a tiny crack had grown in one of the pipes. 1.00

00:23:10.000 And a root from one of the nearby trees had forced its way into this and found out that there was all this water in this area. 0.99

00:23:19.000 So spread apart the pipe by growing and then grew up the pipe.

00:23:24.000 It was incredible.

00:23:25.000 It was just an invasion by this plant species living off my poop. 0.99

00:23:29.000 And it was all clogged up with those little fucking flushable wipes. 0.99

00:23:34.000 Those flushable wipes don't go anywhere. 0.99

00:23:35.000 You know how the flushable wipe comes in that little treasure chest and you can just get refills and throw it in there?

00:23:41.000 Don't do that for that long because if you look at the taint or the button of the thing, sometimes if you get a second wipe, you might have a little poo on your hand and that builds up. 1.00

00:23:51.000 If you smell that, it smells like an asshole. 0.99

00:23:53.000 I never use the button thing. 1.00

00:23:55.000 I just open it and draw them out, man.

00:23:57.000 For that very reason, I don't want to touch poo button ever. 0.98

00:24:00.000 Yeah, what's up with that, right?

00:24:01.000 Yeah, poo button. 0.98

00:24:02.000 That's a silly move.

00:24:03.000 Did they give you a rubber glove to use that thing with? 1.00

00:24:05.000 That's what they should fucking do. 0.98

00:24:06.000 Yeah, they should give you a rubber glove. 0.99

00:24:08.000 That should be what...

00:24:09.000 I'm into the sincere wipe, to the deep, sincere...

00:24:12.000 I'll go knuckle deep to wipe clean.

00:24:14.000 Why not?

00:24:14.000 You're cleaning yourself out.

00:24:15.000 There's nothing wrong with that.

00:24:16.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:24:16.000 You never know if somebody's going to be like, tonight's tonight, I'm going to eat your ass. 1.00

00:24:19.000 People are so funny about assholes. 1.00

00:24:23.000 Who are these people? 1.00

00:24:24.000 Uncomfortable about it.

00:24:26.000 Don't like you talking about your own.

00:24:28.000 Just certain things you can talk about.

00:24:30.000 You can talk all day about, oh, I have psoriasis on my elbow.

00:24:33.000 It's really annoying.

00:24:34.000 It's itchy and scratchy.

00:24:36.000 Yeah, look at my eczema.

00:24:37.000 Yeah, you can talk about that.

00:24:38.000 But you start talking about, man, I just... 1.00

00:24:40.000 You guys ever like just massaging your asshole? 1.00

00:24:43.000 Do you massage your asshole? 1.00

00:24:43.000 People are like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:24:45.000 You know, you could say, dude, when I get home, I'd massage my neck on the way home. 0.99

00:24:49.000 You know, sometimes it gets so stiff.

00:24:50.000 I just give it a solid massage on my own.

00:24:52.000 I feel so much better.

00:24:53.000 Yeah, yeah, me too.

00:24:54.000 I know what you mean. 1.00

00:24:54.000 I like to massage my asshole. 1.00

00:24:56.000 It feels really good. 1.00

00:24:57.000 You do?

00:24:57.000 No, I don't.

00:24:59.000 But if someone said that, you know...

00:25:01.000 But do you?

00:25:02.000 No, no.

00:25:03.000 That'd be awesome. 1.00

00:25:04.000 But it's something about you talking about your asshole and pleasure that makes me terrified. 1.00

00:25:08.000 Does it really? 1.00

00:25:09.000 Yeah, something. 1.00

00:25:10.000 I'll tell you a pain story about the asshole. 1.00

00:25:12.000 Because of sitting on the turlet, as you said, for all that time, I got an anal fissure. 1.00

00:25:18.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.97

00:25:18.000 You ever had one of those? 0.97

00:25:19.000 No.

00:25:20.000 You never want one of these. 0.96

00:25:22.000 I've never been punched in the face or choked at or anything fucking cool, but this was the most pain I think I've ever felt in my entire life. 0.96

00:25:30.000 Really? 0.96

00:25:30.000 It's that ring, that sphincter, it's the fulcrum of your entire body you start to discover. 0.96

00:25:36.000 Anything you do... 1.00

00:25:38.000 Reverberates in your asshole. 1.00

00:25:39.000 I know, it sounds deep, it's not. 1.00

00:25:41.000 Move your finger, you can feel it.

00:25:44.000 Move an arm, you can feel it.

00:25:45.000 And you only really realize it when there's something wrong down there. 0.98

00:25:49.000 And an anal fissure... 1.00

00:25:50.000 Is when there's a tear right on the fucking lip of your asshole. 1.00

00:25:54.000 Somewhere on the ring. 1.00

00:25:55.000 Or this one extended a little deeper.

00:25:57.000 And I didn't know what it was.

00:25:59.000 It was painful, man.

00:26:00.000 Like, so painful that, like, I asked my wife. 1.00

00:26:03.000 Like, my wife's never fucking seen me completely naked, let alone my asshole. 1.00

00:26:07.000 I literally was like, I'm going to ask you to do that fucking thing I never imagined I'd ask another human being to do. 1.00

00:26:13.000 And she's like, what? 0.99

00:26:14.000 And I was like, I'm going to lay on the bed. 0.99

00:26:16.000 I'm gonna fucking crane open my two fucking cheeks. 0.98

00:26:19.000 I'm gonna need you to look in there and tell me if something looks funky. 1.00

00:26:24.000 I've never even seen my own asshole, but I know for a fact, I'm a dude. 0.99

00:26:28.000 I've got hair down there, too. 0.99

00:26:30.000 So I'm telling her, I'm like, now...

00:26:33.000 You might have to deal with a little shrubbery down there.

00:26:36.000 There's no manscaping, so if that's the case, you might have to move hair.

00:26:40.000 And she's like, oh my god, please don't make me do this.

00:26:43.000 I was like, there's no one but you.

00:26:45.000 I was like, I'm sorry, I wouldn't have you do it.

00:26:46.000 I was in pain, dude.

00:26:47.000 I was crying.

00:26:48.000 It's hurt so much.

00:26:49.000 So I lay down, and she's looking at it, and she's like, I don't know.

00:26:53.000 There's just so many rolls.

00:26:56.000 You know, she couldn't get to it.

00:26:57.000 I was like, come on.

00:26:58.000 Do you see any blood?

00:26:59.000 She's like, I think I see some...

00:27:01.000 I think I see an inflamed area.

00:27:03.000 And I went to a doctor, and the doctor was like, get up on the table and whatnot.

00:27:07.000 And I never went to a proctologist.

00:27:08.000 And I'm laying on the table, and he opens my cheek. 0.99

00:27:11.000 And he puts a flashlight on the outside of my fucking ring piece. 0.99

00:27:16.000 I'm waiting for the Fletch move. 1.00

00:27:18.000 We're moving on the river.

00:27:20.000 He takes a look with just the flashlight. 0.99

00:27:22.000 He goes, oh, anal fissure. 0.99

00:27:24.000 I go, really? 0.99

00:27:25.000 Is that what it is?

00:27:25.000 He goes, yeah.

00:27:26.000 I was like, you don't want to go deeper?

00:27:27.000 He's going, I don't need to.

00:27:28.000 He's going, you don't want me to either.

00:27:30.000 And I said, what do you do about them?

00:27:32.000 He's going, I'm going to give you two creams. 0.91

00:27:34.000 One's a topical, one a little more insertion.

00:27:37.000 He's going, basically, what was the figure he said?

00:27:40.000 God, I can't remember.

00:27:40.000 He said, in eight to ten weeks, you'll start feeling 50% better.

00:27:45.000 And I looked at him like, what?

00:27:48.000 Are you kidding me?

00:27:49.000 And it may not have been 8, 10. It may have been 4 or 5. But it was a long period of time, only 50% better.

00:27:56.000 And I was like, dude, I don't like these odds.

00:27:58.000 He's like, that's the best I could do.

00:28:00.000 He's like, that's either that or you can go for surgery.

00:28:02.000 But trust me, you don't want that.

00:28:04.000 He's like, what surgery?

00:28:05.000 He's like, well, basically, we get in there with a needle and sew you up.

00:28:08.000 I'm like, forget it.

00:28:09.000 I'll wait for it to heal. 1.00

00:28:10.000 And it was fucking misery. 0.99

00:28:12.000 They get in with a needle and sew you up, and then how long does it take before it heals? 1.00

00:28:15.000 That's the thing. 0.99

00:28:15.000 And then it takes for a while to fucking heal. 0.99

00:28:16.000 So their whole thing is like, just keep rubbing this topical on it. 0.98

00:28:19.000 Nature will heal itself.

00:28:21.000 Try not to... 0.99

00:28:22.000 Fucking rough around with it. 0.98

00:28:23.000 I'm like, I don't want to even go near it. 1.00

00:28:25.000 Rough around with your butthole? 0.99

00:28:26.000 Did the doctor use those terms? 1.00

00:28:28.000 I said, Doc, I like to... 1.00

00:28:29.000 I said, like Joe Rogan, I like to massage my asshole. 1.00

00:28:34.000 What will this mean for that? 1.00

00:28:35.000 But he said, he was like, it's very common. 0.89

00:28:38.000 He goes, if you're in a room, 45% of the people in the room are dealing with anal fissure. 0.94

00:28:43.000 He's gone. 0.94

00:28:44.000 Nobody talks about it.

00:28:45.000 I said, why? 1.00

00:28:46.000 He's going, because it has everything to do with your asshole. 1.00

00:28:48.000 He's going, people, he was saying the exact same thing. 1.00

00:28:50.000 He's like, people don't talk about this kind of thing publicly.

00:28:52.000 It's going to be much easier because you wouldn't have people waiting as long as they do to come in.

00:28:57.000 He's going, it's common practice.

00:28:58.000 He says, you know how yours happened?

00:28:59.000 And I was like, I don't know. 0.99

00:29:01.000 I thought it was going to be like a lot of fucking bathroom activity, man. 1.00

00:29:04.000 A lot of fucking glory holes and shit. 1.00

00:29:06.000 I said, no, no, I don't know how it happened. 1.00

00:29:08.000 And he said, you sit on the toilet a lot, I bet.

00:29:10.000 I said, I do, as a matter of fact.

00:29:12.000 He's going, well, your weight's sitting on that toilet.

00:29:14.000 And he's going, I bet you don't just go and leave.

00:29:16.000 You sit there for a while.

00:29:17.000 I said, yeah.

00:29:18.000 He's going, it's just, think about it.

00:29:21.000 Gravity's just pulling at that, you know, as you sit there. 1.00

00:29:24.000 It's not like you're sitting on the toilet and your butt cheeks are clenched and your asshole is fucking tight or retracted. 1.00

00:29:30.000 Is that how you do it? 1.00

00:29:31.000 Nothing's getting in here.

00:29:33.000 Excellent posture. 1.00

00:29:34.000 Your shit comes out through your balls. 1.00

00:29:36.000 My shit comes out when I tell it to. 1.00

00:29:40.000 Look out for it, dude. 1.00

00:29:41.000 You never want that.

00:29:42.000 Oh my god, that sounds horrible.

00:29:45.000 So six weeks, only 50%?

00:29:47.000 Six weeks, 50%.

00:29:48.000 When did it take until it was 100%?

00:29:51.000 Honestly, it felt like months.

00:29:53.000 I think it was months.

00:29:54.000 And for months, all I could do literally was lay on the bed, belly down, And if I took a... 0.99

00:30:01.000 Oddly enough, when I took a shit, it felt better. 1.00

00:30:04.000 But it only felt better for the moment I was taking the shit. 1.00

00:30:07.000 Because then, I guess what... 0.99

00:30:08.000 I don't know.

00:30:09.000 I can't even tell you the science of it. 0.99

00:30:11.000 But when I took a shit, I felt better as soon as I was done taking a shit. 0.99

00:30:14.000 That's when the agony kicked in of reminding you it was there. 1.00

00:30:18.000 And you would literally just flinch and squirm on the bed like fucking you were withdrawn or something like that. 0.99

00:30:23.000 It was mad nasty. 1.00

00:30:25.000 Yeah, the last thing you want is asshole problems. 1.00

00:30:26.000 Get off those toilets. 1.00

00:30:27.000 Yeah.

00:30:28.000 It's the fulcrum of your body.

00:30:29.000 I had the internal hemorrhoid for that reason. 1.00

00:30:31.000 And they had to do the rubber band technique where they tie a rubber band inside your asshole. 1.00

00:30:36.000 And they tie it super tight so it gets no blood supply and it falls off. 0.99

00:30:40.000 Well, I'm like, is this going to hurt?

00:30:42.000 And he goes, no, it's more of an annoying pain.

00:30:43.000 And I'm like, alright. 1.00

00:30:44.000 I go home and it was like somebody shoving their fingernail into your asshole from the inside and just sitting there and twisting it and turning it like a fucking knife. 1.00

00:30:54.000 How did you shit pass it? 1.00

00:30:55.000 Did shit get caught up on the rubber band? 1.00

00:30:57.000 No. 0.99

00:30:58.000 I don't know.

00:30:58.000 So how big is this thing that you could wrap a rubber band around it?

00:31:02.000 It was pretty big.

00:31:02.000 You ever had a hemorrhoid or a grape or whatever?

00:31:05.000 Yeah, I've had a hemorrhoid before.

00:31:06.000 They said that I was supposed to go back maybe two or three times.

00:31:09.000 This is a whole process.

00:31:10.000 The first time is probably not going to do it.

00:31:13.000 I wouldn't go back to the second one.

00:31:14.000 So now I live with the little guy.

00:31:15.000 And he's just this little teeny guy now.

00:31:17.000 But once in a while, if I eat the wrong thing, it blows up. 1.00

00:31:20.000 He's like, yo, bitch. 1.00

00:31:21.000 Not Jew clam style. 1.00

00:31:23.000 You still have it in there, tied up?

00:31:25.000 No, the rubber band is dissolved.

00:31:27.000 But the internal hemorrhoid still exists?

00:31:29.000 He's got a clit and a sphincter. 1.00

00:31:31.000 So it just returns whenever it wants to? 0.97

00:31:33.000 Whenever I get crazy and eat a bunch of hot peppers or something.

00:31:36.000 Is that what it is?

00:31:37.000 It's for eating? 0.99

00:31:38.000 It's hot peppers, it's a lot of fucking caffeine, it's a lot of... 0.99

00:31:41.000 Really? 1.00

00:31:41.000 I had heard that it's from forcing your shit out. 1.00

00:31:44.000 I was going to say, mine is from pushing. 0.99

00:31:46.000 Like, I've got a resident just like yours that's mostly quiet, lodger, but periodically, hey, I'm down here. 0.99

00:31:53.000 And it's always from fucking, like, on the toilet and I'm fucking pushing. 0.96

00:31:57.000 Maybe I'm not ready to go, but I'm like, if I don't go now, I'm not going to be able to go for a couple hours. 0.99

00:32:01.000 Once in a while, he shoots somebody and there's blood everywhere, you know?

00:32:04.000 It's like a crime scene.

00:32:05.000 Oh.

00:32:06.000 Yes.

00:32:07.000 My buddy.

00:32:08.000 Oh.

00:32:09.000 Yeah, bloody nose, no big deal. 1.00

00:32:11.000 Bloody asshole. 1.00

00:32:12.000 Oh, Jesus, for reals. 1.00

00:32:15.000 I want to go to the fights, dude.

00:32:17.000 I remember last time you were coming to the fights.

00:32:19.000 We've got to do it and roll a camera on me, though.

00:32:21.000 Okay.

00:32:21.000 So you could watch me vomit on Q. For sure.

00:32:24.000 Well, there's going to be a big card on Fox coming up real soon.

00:32:28.000 I think it's November.

00:32:29.000 I don't want to say.

00:32:30.000 I think it's the 14th.

00:32:31.000 I have to look at the schedule.

00:32:32.000 But it's going to be on Fox, and I think they're announcing tomorrow...

00:32:38.000 Who the fighters are, but that'll be in Anaheim. 0.90

00:32:41.000 Oh, that's fucking close.

00:32:42.000 And you do all of them? 0.93

00:32:43.000 Are you always the guy?

00:32:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:46.000 So you got to hook up?

00:32:48.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:32:48.000 I don't have to buy tickets for this shit? 1.00

00:32:49.000 No, we'll hook you up, man. 1.00

00:32:51.000 Come on, dog.

00:32:52.000 We'll make you spend your money.

00:32:53.000 Kevin Smith.

00:32:54.000 You're Kevin Smith.

00:32:54.000 I'm happy.

00:32:55.000 I want to make sure.

00:32:57.000 Dudes are getting punched in that ring. 0.65

00:32:59.000 I want to make sure they get paid.

00:33:00.000 I'm happy. 1.00

00:33:00.000 Oh, they get paid a motherfucker now. 1.00

00:33:03.000 But they must get paid a little bit of our gate, right? 1.00

00:33:04.000 That's how they make it.

00:33:05.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:33:06.000 Well, it's different.

00:33:08.000 I mean, they get different deals.

00:33:09.000 But, you know, the gates, it's almost always sold out.

00:33:11.000 Almost all the domestic UFC sell out.

00:33:15.000 We've had a few problems in other countries where they weren't, like, hip on the UFC. You know, Germany wasn't, like, the biggest success when we were over there.

00:33:24.000 We don't like this!

00:33:26.000 Stop hitting each other!

00:33:27.000 It wasn't like Australia. 0.63

00:33:29.000 Australia sells out in, like, an hour. 0.99

00:33:31.000 Whenever we put on a show in Australia, people go fucking nuts. 0.96

00:33:34.000 But Germany was a little more difficult. 0.98

00:33:37.000 What about Canada?

00:33:37.000 They blocked us from television or something in Germany, too.

00:33:40.000 There was something crazy where you could only get it on pay-per-view.

00:33:43.000 They couldn't have it on live television in Germany.

00:33:45.000 What about Canada?

00:33:46.000 Canada is great.

00:33:47.000 Canada I always find is very similar to Australia and vice versa.

00:33:51.000 Canada is awesome. 0.97

00:33:52.000 I fucking love Canada. 0.83

00:33:53.000 I would live there if it wasn't so confusing. 0.97

00:33:56.000 If I didn't have to pay taxes to two different countries.

00:33:58.000 GST and PST? I think Vancouver is one of the greatest cities in the world.

00:34:02.000 It's government and the province.

00:34:04.000 It's essentially federal and state taxes.

00:34:06.000 Yeah, but then you also have to pay for American too, unless you want to...

00:34:10.000 What Americans do? 0.72

00:34:11.000 If you want to live in another country, unless you want to give up your citizenship, you have to pay American taxes as well.

00:34:16.000 Oh, if you're talking about doing dual citizenship.

00:34:18.000 Yeah, I'm not saying I hate America.

00:34:20.000 I would live in Vancouver. 1.00

00:34:23.000 Vancouver is the shit. 1.00

00:34:24.000 It's one of the greatest fucking cities ever. 1.00

00:34:26.000 I'd go for Toronto Hockey Hall of Fame. 1.00

00:34:27.000 I love Toronto, but it gets cold as a motherfucker. 0.99

00:34:30.000 I don't mind whether I grew up on the East Coast. 0.99

00:34:32.000 I grew up in Boston.

00:34:33.000 Yeah, so you know whether.

00:34:35.000 I'm scared.

00:34:36.000 You don't want to go back to it.

00:34:37.000 Edmonton.

00:34:38.000 I would live in Edmonton too.

00:34:39.000 But my lady would never let me live in Canada, man. 0.80

00:34:41.000 You guys don't like Vancouver?

00:34:43.000 I like Vancouver.

00:34:44.000 I went to school there.

00:34:45.000 I shot a TV show there and a movie there.

00:34:47.000 I do, but I'm not into whale art.

00:34:51.000 Alright.

00:34:52.000 There's a lot of that up there, man.

00:34:53.000 That and trees. 1.00

00:34:54.000 Fuck trees. 1.00

00:34:55.000 As a comic, you know, I travel too much, man. 1.00

00:34:58.000 With stand-up and with the UFC, I travel too much to risk being snowed in.

00:35:02.000 So if I live somewhere like Toronto, I would always risk being stuck.

00:35:06.000 You know, Boston, you risk being stuck.

00:35:08.000 It's not a sensible place to live if you're a traveler. 1.00

00:35:13.000 Unless, of course, you know, you can, you know, figure out how to get out of town before the snow hits.

00:35:18.000 He calls Scatman Crothers, man. 0.99

00:35:20.000 He shows up in the snowcat and shit. 1.00

00:35:21.000 That snowcat up that mountain. 1.00

00:35:22.000 Totally, man. 1.00

00:35:23.000 Just look out for the dude behind the fucking... 1.00

00:35:25.000 With the axe. 1.00

00:35:26.000 I do think that I like people better.

00:35:27.000 Didn't see that coming, did you?

00:35:28.000 Didn't see that. 1.00

00:35:29.000 That Jack Nicholson motherfucker. 1.00

00:35:31.000 Shining. 1.00

00:35:31.000 He couldn't shine that at all. 1.00

00:35:33.000 That was a great goddamn movie. 0.99

00:35:34.000 Oh, that's brilliant. 0.99

00:35:35.000 And Stephen King doesn't like it, you know that?

00:35:37.000 Yeah, so much so that he made sure they made another one.

00:35:40.000 Make a worse one.

00:35:42.000 Make a terrible one.

00:35:43.000 This other one was too good.

00:35:44.000 Make a bad one.

00:35:45.000 Yeah, the TV movie one is tough.

00:35:48.000 I never saw the TV movie one.

00:35:49.000 Or if I did, I don't remember it.

00:35:51.000 Steven Weber from Wings replaces Jack Nicholson right then and there.

00:35:55.000 I mean, my hat goes off to Steven Weber because that's balls of steel, dude.

00:36:00.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:36:01.000 To be like...

00:36:02.000 All right, I'll give it a shot.

00:36:04.000 But, to be fair, it's what Heath Ledger did years later.

00:36:08.000 He stepped into a role that Jack Nicholson made iconic and stuff.

00:36:12.000 That all being said, hats off to Steven Weber, that movie's a tough sit. 0.98

00:36:16.000 Yeah, well, Heath Ledger apparently was on so many pills, he didn't even know what fucking, you know, what position he was taking. 0.90

00:36:23.000 When Heath Ledger died, he was on so many different pills. 0.95

00:36:25.000 Is that what they said?

00:36:26.000 Yeah, who knows, yeah.

00:36:27.000 He was a state of mind. 0.99

00:36:28.000 I mean, when you hear all the different shit that he was on when he died, There's a lot of those don't give a fuck guys that can put in spectacular performances like that. 0.99

00:36:37.000 Like that Heath Ledger Joker was a fucking pretty spectacular performance. 0.99

00:36:42.000 Phenomenal, yeah. 0.96

00:36:42.000 When a dude has something like that inside of him, that's an amazing abundance of energy and you're not exactly sure how he's controlling that. 0.96

00:36:51.000 Not everybody can have that kind of a burst of energy inside of them and put it under control.

00:36:55.000 Some people literally aren't capable of that kind of a performance.

00:36:59.000 You think he was?

00:37:01.000 I think he's probably had a little bit of crazy in him, man.

00:37:03.000 No, come on. 0.85

00:37:04.000 A little bit of crazy, and then he gets on pills.

00:37:06.000 Some cats just make pretend real well.

00:37:08.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:37:10.000 No doubt about it.

00:37:11.000 But with all the pill thing and that... 0.98

00:37:13.000 I don't want to believe that he was fucking like, I got into the headspace of the Joker. 0.97

00:37:18.000 No, no, no. 0.98

00:37:19.000 I don't even think that.

00:37:20.000 You think he has pain in his life?

00:37:22.000 No, I just think he's just good, but I'm just thinking that... 0.92

00:37:25.000 Being really brilliant at something like acting and being completely fucking insane are like next door neighbors, man. 0.79

00:37:31.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98

00:37:32.000 It's a thin line.

00:37:33.000 I'll agree with that.

00:37:33.000 Totally.

00:37:34.000 The ability to lock onto a character so completely and captivating.

00:37:38.000 Yes.

00:37:39.000 And create it real.

00:37:40.000 Make it so real that you're sitting there.

00:37:42.000 Like, look, I love that Joker performance.

00:37:44.000 It's spellbinding. 0.84

00:37:45.000 But I say dial, like, one movie back and look at him in the gay cowboy picture. 0.96

00:37:50.000 Mm-hmm.

00:37:50.000 The performance he gives in that movie, that dude exists.

00:37:54.000 The Joker performance is big, and it needs to be big.

00:37:59.000 Pray you never meet someone like that in your life.

00:38:01.000 But you would meet the character, I think it was Enos or Enos he played, the character he played in Brokeback Mountain. 0.53

00:38:07.000 That performance is so fucking frighteningly real. 1.00

00:38:10.000 That was the first time I was like, this motherfucker's an actor. 0.99

00:38:13.000 I thought he was that dude from Ten Things I Hate About You. 0.99

00:38:15.000 But he had chops, because he made only one other actor...

00:38:19.000 Well, two others.

00:38:20.000 Parks.

00:38:20.000 Michael Parks did that for me in From Dusk Till Dawn.

00:38:23.000 Like, that's why Red State exists.

00:38:25.000 Because I watched the opening 10 minutes of From Dusk Till Dawn back in 95. I was like, this motherfucker's Yoda. 0.99

00:38:31.000 Like, how do you... 1.00

00:38:32.000 I want to spend a month on set with a dude who can drop performance science this fucking brilliant, this laser sharp, this otherworldly. 0.52

00:38:40.000 But then the other one... 0.79

00:38:41.000 God, who was I? I just had it on my head.

00:38:43.000 What was the other one?

00:38:44.000 I said Parks.

00:38:45.000 Oh! 0.60

00:38:45.000 Billy Bob Thornton in A Simple Plan. 0.60

00:38:47.000 Did you ever see A Simple Plan? 1.00

00:38:49.000 That fucking movie is... 1.00

00:38:51.000 What's his name? 1.00

00:38:52.000 The guy that did Spider-Man.

00:38:53.000 What movie was this?

00:38:54.000 It was a movie with Bill Paxton.

00:38:57.000 A simple plan.

00:38:58.000 Bill Paxton.

00:39:00.000 Bill...

00:39:00.000 What did I say his name was?

00:39:02.000 You know, Billy...

00:39:03.000 What's his face?

00:39:04.000 Billy Roy Cyrus.

00:39:05.000 I was going on that. 0.99

00:39:07.000 The guy who fucked Angelina Jolie. 0.99

00:39:09.000 Yeah, what? 1.00

00:39:10.000 Joe...

00:39:12.000 Billy Bob.

00:39:12.000 Billy Bob Thornton.

00:39:14.000 Jesus Christ.

00:39:15.000 Billy Bob Thornton and who else?

00:39:18.000 Oh, Bridget Fond is in it. 1.00

00:39:19.000 This fucking movie is so good. 1.00

00:39:21.000 It's so well done. 1.00

00:39:22.000 It's about dudes who find money in the woods.

00:39:24.000 Drug money.

00:39:26.000 And then they're trying to...

00:39:27.000 It's a simple plan.

00:39:28.000 We're going to hold it and whack it up together.

00:39:30.000 We're going to wait some time. 1.00

00:39:31.000 And then it just gets more and more complicated and fucking horrible things start happening and shit. 1.00

00:39:36.000 Excellent movie. 1.00

00:39:37.000 Well done.

00:39:38.000 But...

00:39:38.000 Billy Bob Thornton gives a performance in this movie where he ceases to be Billy Bob Thornton, and you're just like, that character exists.

00:39:45.000 The man who is in this movie, there's no connection to Billy Bob Thornton.

00:39:49.000 It's literally a dude being possessed of someone else or something like that.

00:39:53.000 He changes his look, changes his deliveries, everything.

00:39:55.000 Perfect example. 0.99

00:39:56.000 I think that to be that good, there has to be a part of you that's a little bit fucking crazy. 1.00

00:40:01.000 And we know Billy Bob Thornton is a little bit fucking crazy. 0.99

00:40:04.000 No doubt about it. 1.00

00:40:05.000 Meryl Streep, do you think she's a little bit crazy? 0.99

00:40:07.000 Maybe she just keeps it together better than him.

00:40:09.000 Maybe she just has better composure.

00:40:11.000 Maybe she just has better composure.

00:40:12.000 More self-aware, but that demon inside her beats just as freely as it does in Billy Bob.

00:40:17.000 She just knows how to control it in her social life. 1.00

00:40:19.000 But she can blast it out when she's pretending to be some other person. 1.00

00:40:23.000 She can just let that fucking demon free. 1.00

00:40:26.000 You know? 1.00

00:40:27.000 Is that what acting is? 1.00

00:40:27.000 Billy Bob Thornton is crazy as fuck, yes. 1.00

00:40:29.000 I think to a certain extent. 1.00

00:40:30.000 Yes and no.

00:40:31.000 I think it's completely containable.

00:40:34.000 I've seen Daniel Day-Lewis get interviewed, and I think he's a brilliant guy who's clearly doing it as an artist.

00:40:41.000 He's clearly got a good handle on the whole celebrity thing. 0.99

00:40:45.000 The guy quit movies to be a fucking shoe cobbler. 1.00

00:40:49.000 He's this crazy, deep, interesting, weirdo dude. 0.99

00:40:51.000 That is one of those stories that everybody knows that Daniel Day-Lewis It captured everybody's imagination. 0.98

00:40:59.000 Whether he was serious about it or not, it may have been his most brilliant fucking move. 0.80

00:41:03.000 Because for the next ten years, whenever somebody says Daniel Day-Lewis, somewhere in the next minute they're going to go, you know, he quit to be a cobbler? 0.97

00:41:12.000 He studied shoemaking.

00:41:14.000 Like, it captured people's imagination.

00:41:15.000 Like, why would a guy this good at the job go off, quit, and make shoes?

00:41:20.000 Well, he came back sooner or later.

00:41:21.000 But that shoe thing captures people's imagination.

00:41:24.000 And you think he probably went to it because it wasn't acting.

00:41:26.000 It was the furthest thing from acting, because you're right. 0.96

00:41:29.000 You look at a dude who gets into a role like he does, he probably does go to someplace fucking dark, and you... 0.99

00:41:34.000 You know, a crew, a bunch of years of doing that, one after another, maybe going to fucking make shoes in Milan feels good, sounds good, simple, doesn't require much, use a different part of your brain, no darkness and fucking cobbling, you know, unless one of those fucking witches show up. 0.99

00:41:50.000 Some of his movies where he does go dark are the darkest characters in the history of cinema. 0.98

00:41:56.000 Gangs in New York?

00:41:57.000 Love it.

00:41:58.000 Jesus Christ.

00:41:59.000 Bill the Butcher, that's what his name was, right? 1.00

00:42:00.000 Jesus Christ was at a fucking scary performance. 0.99

00:42:03.000 Isn't the accent great, too? 1.00

00:42:04.000 Yeah, and he seems like he really would cut your fucking head off with a machete. 1.00

00:42:10.000 It's real. 1.00

00:42:10.000 You're feeling it. 1.00

00:42:11.000 All the way.

00:42:12.000 One of the only conversations I ever had with Martin Scorsese was after screening that movie.

00:42:16.000 I was coming out of the theater.

00:42:18.000 I hear somebody go, Kevin, and it sounds like Martin Scorsese. 0.98

00:42:20.000 I was like, no way Martin Scorsese would be fucking saying Kevin. 0.96

00:42:23.000 And I turn around and Martin Scorsese was saying Kevin. 0.99

00:42:26.000 He was talking to me. 0.98

00:42:26.000 And I was like, holy shit, man, how are you? 0.98

00:42:29.000 Did your ball tingle? 0.99

00:42:30.000 Very much.

00:42:31.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:42:32.000 The way he called me wasn't quite pure, but he had no reason to know my name.

00:42:39.000 Exactly.

00:42:40.000 And he's like, what did you think? 0.98

00:42:40.000 I said, I fucking loved it, man. 0.98

00:42:42.000 And I had stayed through all the credits and shit. 0.99

00:42:44.000 I said, oh my god, I loved it. 0.70

00:42:45.000 You've got to tell me, how did he arrive at that accent?

00:42:48.000 And he goes, we found cylinders.

00:42:50.000 Old cylinders recorded around, what was it, 18-whatever, turn of the century, 19-whatever-that-period flick was set.

00:42:57.000 He said, we found cylinders, which we just sat there and played.

00:43:00.000 And Daniel took the accent from there, worked on it a little bit, and took the accent from there.

00:43:04.000 And I was like, what did the cylinders sound like?

00:43:05.000 He goes, surprisingly crystal clear.

00:43:07.000 And you could literally hear what that guy sounded like in that era.

00:43:14.000 Isn't that amazing?

00:43:16.000 Daniel Day-Lewis is probably our best representation of it, because I bet he nailed it.

00:43:20.000 He must have.

00:43:21.000 We've never heard the cylinders.

00:43:22.000 I've never seen him not nail something.

00:43:24.000 He played a boxer, and it's the best version of an actor playing a boxer ever.

00:43:29.000 He really looks like a boxer.

00:43:31.000 As he's moving, he's doing everything correctly.

00:43:33.000 The way he's holding his hands, the way he's responding to being hit, the way he's following through with his punches, with his footwork.

00:43:39.000 He literally looked like he could be a professional boxer.

00:43:43.000 It takes so much energy and focus to get that good.

00:43:47.000 He didn't just look like an actor that they taught how to box.

00:43:51.000 He's a perfect example.

00:43:52.000 I don't mean to diss him, but Marky Mark, Mark Wahlberg, whatever.

00:43:56.000 The Fighter?

00:43:56.000 The Fighter.

00:43:57.000 It was a great movie.

00:43:57.000 I love this performance in the movie, but when you watch him boxing, it looks like an actor is boxing.

00:44:03.000 Really?

00:44:03.000 Because I thought he was street smart.

00:44:04.000 He looks like he can box.

00:44:05.000 I bet he can box.

00:44:06.000 I bet he can box.

00:44:07.000 But it doesn't look like when you watch Daniel Day-Lewis do it.

00:44:12.000 Daniel Day-Lewis is moving like a real professional boxer.

00:44:16.000 When you're watching the Mark Wahlberg thing, it seems like I'm watching a movie.

00:44:20.000 I'm watching a movie where there's boxing in it.

00:44:22.000 There's a difference in the reality.

00:44:25.000 What about Stallone?

00:44:26.000 Did he convince?

00:44:27.000 No.

00:44:27.000 He didn't look like a boxer?

00:44:29.000 No. 1.00

00:44:29.000 I mean, he looks like a guy who can kick your ass. 1.00

00:44:32.000 Don't get me wrong. 0.99

00:44:34.000 The way a professional fighter moves is very specific.

00:44:38.000 Unless you're some Roy Jones Jr. freak of nature athlete who can keep your hands down and do all kinds of crazy shit because nobody can touch you because you're so fast and your timing is so good, but there's only a few of those guys ever.

00:44:49.000 If you look at a classic boxer, they have very simple characteristics.

00:44:53.000 The hands are always up high, the chin's tucked, the shoulders are up.

00:44:56.000 Nobody does that in a movie.

00:44:57.000 In a movie, everybody's Their hands are down, they're throwing wild punches and flexing their muscles, and it's my turn to hit you, and then it's your turn to hit me, and it looks very obvious.

00:45:07.000 And nobody, they never get into like a 30 second, 40 second hug embrace, kind of like where they have to get split up.

00:45:14.000 Well, you can't do it realistically unless you're going to let people hit people.

00:45:18.000 And you don't want to do that because you're only going to get one shot at it and people aren't going to like it.

00:45:22.000 No one's going to like a halfway fight.

00:45:24.000 It's like, I'm going to let you hit me and then I'm going to hit you back.

00:45:27.000 We're going to agree that there's a certain amount of times we're going to hit each other and we're going to hit each other realistically hard.

00:45:32.000 You can't do that.

00:45:33.000 You can't do it.

00:45:34.000 You can't fake it.

00:45:36.000 I could do it.

00:45:37.000 You could do it?

00:45:37.000 Yeah.

00:45:38.000 Do you think you can do it realistically?

00:45:39.000 Real easy.

00:45:40.000 Let me ask you this.

00:45:42.000 Just kidding.

00:45:42.000 Other than Daniel Day-Lewis, who has convincingly fought in a movie that earned your respect where you're like, alright, that looks like it.

00:45:50.000 Other than Daniel Day-Lewis. 0.89

00:45:51.000 Because that bar's too fucking high, dude. 0.94

00:45:54.000 Yeah. 0.95

00:45:54.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.95

00:45:54.000 Denzel Washington. 0.95

00:45:55.000 Denzel Washington when he played Reuben Herrick Carter. 0.98

00:45:58.000 That bar's too fucking high. 0.87

00:45:58.000 Can't you give me somebody that's just like, No, you need a guy like that. 0.87

00:46:01.000 You need a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:46:02.000 Who just really commit, over-commit. 0.99

00:46:04.000 My friend Terry Claibon trained him for some of that, and he would go down to the Hollywood boxing gym.

00:46:10.000 It was on La Brea.

00:46:11.000 And he said that guy would be out there every fucking morning at 7 o'clock, blaring his music in the parking lot, Fired up, and he said he would run up the stairs and he would train like a professional boxer. 0.94

00:46:23.000 He said he did everything I asked him to do, did it exactly the way I told him to do it, skipped rope, sit-ups, and he's in there every day. 0.97

00:46:30.000 He literally transformed himself into a professional boxer.

00:46:34.000 There's only a few guys who can hit that level, that Daniel Day-Lewis, that Denzel Washington level of commitment.

00:46:40.000 There's only a few guys who can do that.

00:46:42.000 So Daniel...

00:46:43.000 Those are the only two guys that I've ever seen that look like real fighters.

00:46:46.000 Daniel Day-Lewis and Denzel Washington fight each other.

00:46:49.000 Who wins?

00:46:50.000 Daniel Lewis. 0.99

00:46:51.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:46:52.000 I would say Denzel. 1.00

00:46:53.000 That's a crazy way.

00:46:54.000 It's gotta be Denzel.

00:46:55.000 No, no, no.

00:46:56.000 He'll get tired.

00:46:57.000 He'll gas out.

00:46:58.000 He'll start off strong.

00:46:59.000 Daniel will take the punches.

00:46:59.000 What do you base this on?

00:47:00.000 Glory? 1.00

00:47:00.000 Just fucking talking shit, bro. 1.00

00:47:01.000 Just fucking shit. 1.00

00:47:02.000 We're both talking shit. 1.00

00:47:04.000 I just have to guess. 0.99

00:47:05.000 If I looked at the boxer that Daniel Day-Lewis was and I looked at the boxer that Denzel Washington was, I think Denzel Washington looks like a very good athlete, moves very well, but it looks more like Daniel Day-Lewis is a real boxer.

00:47:19.000 If we base it on their movie rules, then Daniel Day-Lewis held out a long time as John Proctor in The Crucible.

00:47:29.000 LAUGHTER Denzel Washington, one of the best actors ever, right?

00:47:36.000 Yeah, totally.

00:47:37.000 Oh, God, yeah.

00:47:37.000 And you know what?

00:47:38.000 When they gave him the Oscar for, what was it?

00:47:43.000 Was it Malcolm X? No, that was the thing.

00:47:45.000 They should have given him to him for Malcolm X. That performance, if you ever go watch Malcolm X footage on YouTube, which you can now, they've got tons of it, nothing but free.

00:47:55.000 Fascinating.

00:47:56.000 You look at that and you realize, you want to talk about a Denzel Washington up at six training like a boxer.

00:48:03.000 He didn't even have YouTube to pull clips from.

00:48:06.000 He became Malcolm X. The mannerisms, the way he holds his hand as he speaks, it's crazy.

00:48:14.000 I think he got nominated.

00:48:15.000 He should have won that year.

00:48:16.000 He didn't.

00:48:17.000 Then they gave it to him years later for the...

00:48:19.000 King Kong ain't got nothing on me.

00:48:21.000 Yeah, that was the training day?

00:48:23.000 Training day.

00:48:24.000 Yeah.

00:48:24.000 He was really good in it.

00:48:25.000 That's the thing.

00:48:27.000 I remember when they first gave him the award, I hadn't seen the movie. 0.96

00:48:29.000 I was like, oh, they're making up for fucking overlooking Malcolm X. But then you see his performance in that movie, and what could be a simple programmer or a simple good guy, bad guy...

00:48:39.000 He took that role to the next level.

00:48:42.000 So it may have been overdue payback for a fantastic performance he didn't get enough credit for, but I think he earned that 10 on training day.

00:48:51.000 I agree 100%.

00:48:51.000 With his performance alone.

00:48:54.000 He legitimately seemed like a corrupt cop.

00:48:56.000 Yeah.

00:48:57.000 He becomes it.

00:48:58.000 He's one of those guys, those Russell Crowe guys. 0.94

00:49:00.000 And sociopathic. 0.83

00:49:01.000 You believed he was sociopathic. 0.93

00:49:02.000 And him giving him the smoking, he's like, you're smoking the wet. 0.55

00:49:06.000 And he enjoyed it. 1.00

00:49:07.000 He was a little malicious and shit like that. 0.99

00:49:09.000 It seemed real. 0.99

00:49:10.000 Very real.

00:49:10.000 It seemed very real when he was enjoying it.

00:49:12.000 Yeah, I mean, to put your mind into that place to allow yourself to go there, you've got to get real close to crazy.

00:49:17.000 You've got to get right next door to neighbors to crazy. 0.97

00:49:19.000 You've got to see crazy every morning when you're getting in your car.

00:49:22.000 More than crazy.

00:49:23.000 More than crazy.

00:49:23.000 What's the craziest you've seen?

00:49:24.000 Who you worked with that you're like, I've seen someone go to that place?

00:49:28.000 On Red State, we were with Michael Parks. 0.88

00:49:30.000 I don't think I've ever seen Michael Parks and Melissa Lea went to weird places, like incredible places where I'm like, oh shit, this is otherworldly stuff. 1.00

00:49:37.000 Like true fucking actors, man. 0.99

00:49:39.000 True across the board. 1.00

00:49:40.000 Michael Parks is the preacher?

00:49:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:49:42.000 Listen, folks, if you see one movie this year, see Red State.

00:49:47.000 Nah.

00:49:47.000 Kevin invited me to this movie.

00:49:50.000 Now listen, I had known nothing.

00:49:52.000 I knew nothing of what this movie was.

00:49:54.000 I had no idea.

00:49:55.000 And I showed up.

00:49:56.000 I showed up with Aubrey. 0.97

00:49:57.000 And we had not a fucking clue in the world as to what this movie was about. 0.97

00:50:02.000 I assumed it was a comedy. 0.98

00:50:03.000 I heard some whisper online.

00:50:05.000 I heard it was a horror film, question mark.

00:50:07.000 That's all I saw.

00:50:08.000 So I go in with an awesome blank slate. 0.99

00:50:12.000 And halfway into the movie, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? 0.99

00:50:17.000 I'm like, maybe 35, 45 minutes in, I was like, this is the craziest fucking... 0.99

00:50:22.000 This is Kevin Smith's movie? 0.99

00:50:26.000 You don't even...

00:50:27.000 It's like, you have to throw out everything you think of as a Kevin Smith movie.

00:50:31.000 Kevin Smith movies are always fun comedies. 0.58

00:50:33.000 And this movie just gets so fucking crazy so quick...

00:50:39.000 And just keeps, and goes, and you know, I really, I appreciate so much about that movie, but what I really, well, the one thing that's staggering right off the bat was that guy who played the preacher, Michael Parks.

00:50:51.000 Amazing.

00:50:51.000 If that guy doesn't get nominated for the Academy Award, he deserves so much attention.

00:50:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:50:56.000 Fuck awards, right? 1.00

00:50:57.000 Fuck the, who cares? 1.00

00:50:59.000 But still, you know what? 1.00

00:51:00.000 To a 70-year-old man who this business turned its back on a long time ago and clearly has better chops than most of his peers who went on to other things, It means something. 0.91

00:51:11.000 It may not mean shit to me, like me getting awards, but him, that award means something.

00:51:17.000 He comes from an era where it does mean something. 0.91

00:51:21.000 I wish we could substitute that with the greater opinion of...

00:51:25.000 Whatever people, nice people all across the country, people discerning individuals. 0.98

00:51:30.000 If you watch this movie and don't think this guy's a fucking super genius, all that shit that I said about Daniel Day-Lewis, exact same shit I'm saying about this guy. 0.98

00:51:39.000 He's one of those very special talents. 0.99

00:51:40.000 Right there. 0.99

00:51:41.000 He was playing this fucking preacher, and he had this one long, non-cut monologue. 1.00

00:51:48.000 I mean, the camera is on him for a long fucking time. 1.00

00:51:52.000 And it's all one run. 0.99

00:51:54.000 And it's brilliant.

00:51:55.000 Thank you.

00:51:56.000 It's brilliant. 0.99

00:51:57.000 He sucks you in to the point where you're shitting your... 1.00

00:52:01.000 You know this is gonna... 1.00

00:52:02.000 Something terrible is gonna happen.

00:52:05.000 You don't know when.

00:52:06.000 You don't know what.

00:52:07.000 And it keeps...

00:52:08.000 He just holds you there.

00:52:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:52:10.000 With this conviction in this character and this character's belief that is fucking scary. 0.99

00:52:16.000 It's fucking scary. 0.99

00:52:18.000 You know there's imminent death. 0.99

00:52:20.000 Yeah.

00:52:20.000 Like it's set up right there.

00:52:22.000 But his performance is so riveting. 0.98

00:52:25.000 He's so fucking good at the craft. 0.96

00:52:29.000 That you'll put, because the movie's moving along in a nice clip right there. 0.98

00:52:32.000 We put the movie on pause and be like, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Parks. 0.99

00:52:36.000 And he does a fucking, essentially, a guitar solo. 0.98

00:52:38.000 The most amazing guitar solo you've ever heard. 0.99

00:52:41.000 And rather than be like, move on! 0.99

00:52:43.000 Fucking get to the murders that we knew were coming. 0.99

00:52:45.000 People like kick back and go like, oh my god, that's so beautiful. 0.99

00:52:49.000 And he finishes his solo and the movie begins again.

00:52:52.000 It's pretty, it's so weird.

00:52:55.000 It's pretty astounding.

00:52:55.000 A guitar solo?

00:52:56.000 What kind of music?

00:52:58.000 You saw it.

00:52:59.000 It's him.

00:52:59.000 It's his voice I'm talking about.

00:53:00.000 I'm talking more metaphorical.

00:53:02.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:53:03.000 Did I lose you?

00:53:03.000 I'm so high.

00:53:03.000 Are you more stoned than me?

00:53:05.000 I must be. 0.64

00:53:05.000 How is that possible? 0.64

00:53:06.000 Because you keep going.

00:53:06.000 You keep going and dragging me in with you.

00:53:08.000 I thought you were being literal. 1.00

00:53:09.000 Put down the rabbit hole, bitch. 1.00

00:53:11.000 Wow. 1.00

00:53:11.000 I'm an idiot. 1.00

00:53:12.000 This ain't even happening. 1.00

00:53:13.000 We're in this meditation tank.

00:53:14.000 You're in the meditation tank and we're just having this conversation.

00:53:17.000 How did that character come about?

00:53:19.000 I gotta see the meditation tank before I go.

00:53:20.000 Oh yeah, for sure.

00:53:21.000 I'll let you know.

00:53:21.000 How did the character come about?

00:53:22.000 How did that guy...

00:53:23.000 Fred Phelps.

00:53:24.000 I saw a Westboro Baptist Church guy.

00:53:26.000 And basically, that dude created that character for me.

00:53:30.000 Did that create the movie for you?

00:53:32.000 Nah, a little bit.

00:53:33.000 I mean, it was kind of a two- or three-pronged thing.

00:53:36.000 Like, number one, I saw Parks in From Dusk Till Dawn, which was Quentin's movie with Robert Rodriguez.

00:53:42.000 And he's in the opening ten minutes.

00:53:44.000 He's astounding.

00:53:45.000 Like, I love acting.

00:53:48.000 Love actors.

00:53:49.000 Love people, actresses.

00:53:50.000 People that can take the words off page and make it sing. 1.00

00:53:53.000 But, you know, there's only so many ways to skin a cat and fuck. 0.99

00:53:56.000 And even the best of them, you pretty much can see the strings and whatnot. 0.99

00:54:00.000 You know how acting works.

00:54:01.000 Every once in a while, you meet one of these performers or see a performer.

00:54:05.000 You're lucky you get to meet him. 0.99

00:54:07.000 That takes it off the fucking grid, off the charts. 0.99

00:54:10.000 This guy does this. 0.99

00:54:11.000 In the opening of this movie, which from Dusk Till Dawn is a fun vampire fucking romp. 0.86

00:54:16.000 This guy comes in and drops a performance that in a fair, just world would have won a supporting Oscar. 0.73

00:54:24.000 Like, you know, Judi Dench gets one for Shakespeare in Love, and she's in the movie, what, seven or nine minutes?

00:54:31.000 Parks is in From Dusk Till Dawn roughly at the same time and gives a performance that's as electric, as believable, as off-the-charts wonderful, but, you know, it's a genre film, so he don't get the attention and stuff.

00:54:43.000 This guy fell in love with him.

00:54:44.000 I'm watching From Dusk Till Dawn, 1995 to Lumley Sunset 5. I was like, yeah, fuck yeah, I want to see the vampire movie. 0.99

00:54:56.000 And I went to go see this vampire movie made by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. 0.99

00:55:02.000 But what I left there was, I have to work with that man. 0.99

00:55:06.000 I don't know who that fucking man is, that sheriff guy, in the first 10 minutes, who, spoiler, spoilers, the movie's fucking 16 years old, but just in case, he gets killed in the first fucking 10 minutes. 0.99

00:55:15.000 Whole movie, I'm like, no! 1.00

00:55:17.000 That dude was the fucking truth! 0.99

00:55:19.000 The absolute truth! 0.99

00:55:20.000 I walk out of that theater, I go, I gotta work with that guy. 1.00

00:55:22.000 Just sit at the fucking feet of a Yoda like that, and for a month on a set, Imagine the amount of fucking information you could glean, steal, fucking benefit from. 0.99

00:55:33.000 He's pure genius in acting form. 1.00

00:55:36.000 A clear genius.

00:55:37.000 When you're watching him, it's so spectacular and riveting.

00:55:41.000 He inspired it.

00:55:42.000 I told him there were days on set like I did. 0.97

00:55:45.000 We didn't do many takes at all because we didn't have a lot of money and shit. 0.98

00:55:49.000 It was a low budget movie. 0.99

00:55:50.000 And when the performances are that good, man, you got John Goodman, Melissa Leo, you got Parks, they're crushing it, take one and shit. 0.98

00:55:56.000 So, you know, I leave it up to them and they're like, I'm good if you're good. 0.97

00:55:59.000 I'm like, I don't direct the movie as much as I sit there and edit it in my head on set.

00:56:03.000 Because you don't direct Michael Parks.

00:56:04.000 I'm going to go up to him and be like, here's how I do it based on all my experience playing Silent Bob over the years.

00:56:10.000 Did he ad-lib any of that?

00:56:12.000 Totally.

00:56:12.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:12.000 He got in there and definitely...

00:56:14.000 Because it seemed like he could probably just start talking in that guy. 0.99

00:56:18.000 He seemed so in tune with that fucking character, man. 0.99

00:56:22.000 Yeah, he was... 0.99

00:56:23.000 Well, he had that script for, what, two, three months ahead of time.

00:56:26.000 By the time he came to the set...

00:56:28.000 And I have...

00:56:29.000 No, I'm not the author of that performance.

00:56:30.000 That guy authored his own performance, hands down.

00:56:33.000 Across the boards.

00:56:34.000 You don't direct a movie.

00:56:36.000 Like Red State. 0.83

00:56:36.000 You just let it happen. 0.83

00:56:38.000 And you make sure you keep it on the tracks.

00:56:40.000 This dude's...

00:56:41.000 He had the script for a while.

00:56:44.000 When he came to the set...

00:56:46.000 He's like, can I have the space?

00:56:48.000 Can you show me the space?

00:56:49.000 And we brought him to the chapel and went on.

00:56:51.000 They were still putting the finishing touches on it.

00:56:53.000 But he kind of did a laid out like the way you would lay out a dance.

00:56:58.000 He essentially kind of didn't say the dialogue out loud, but he would just sit there and you'd watch him kind of moving his arms and stuff.

00:57:03.000 And it looked like he was slowly waltzing by himself.

00:57:06.000 And then he'd stop somewhere and ask somebody to put a mark here, blah, blah, blah, put a mark here.

00:57:10.000 Then he put it all together.

00:57:12.000 I got to see what he was doing the next morning. 1.00

00:57:14.000 He had choreographed this fucking thing. 1.00

00:57:16.000 He could do it from top to bottom. 1.00

00:57:19.000 He could do the entire scene, which was, I think in the script, 12 pages. 0.66

00:57:24.000 12 pages of dialogue or something ridiculous like that. 0.99

00:57:27.000 And he could fucking do it from beginning to end. 0.99

00:57:29.000 And you watch him hit his marks. 0.99

00:57:31.000 He knew exactly where he wanted to be and stuff.

00:57:33.000 So much so that, like, I had done a draft right before shooting, and I was like, hey, man, this is the new version of the sermon. 0.95

00:57:38.000 And he fucking bristled because he was like, no, no, no, no. 0.91

00:57:41.000 I mean, that other stuff's great. 0.98

00:57:44.000 What do you need this for?

00:57:45.000 And what I realized was because he was dialed in.

00:57:48.000 He knew what was going to happen when he hit that stage.

00:57:50.000 He knew where to be so that he could just let his art come out of his mouth.

00:57:54.000 But he was still framing the movie for it, still commanding the stage.

00:57:57.000 It's a movie, let's keep things moving. 0.97

00:57:59.000 He wasn't content to just stand there and deliver dialogue, which he could have and he still would have fucking captivated you. 0.90

00:58:05.000 Instead, he choreographed his movement. 0.90

00:58:08.000 It was fantastic.

00:58:09.000 He was a dude that just gave...

00:58:12.000 Beyond Given.

00:58:12.000 You know, I wrote it with him in mind, going, I know what it's going to sound like, because I'm a big fan of this dude's work now.

00:58:18.000 And even getting to the set, he would still deliver over what I heard in my head.

00:58:23.000 Like, oh, like I remember, I'll never forget.

00:58:26.000 What, a month?

00:58:28.000 A month before we started shooting, we're in my kitchen.

00:58:30.000 It's me, John Gordon, and Bruce through the movie.

00:58:32.000 And Parks.

00:58:34.000 And we're just talking about when we're going to go.

00:58:36.000 It took us a while to get money together.

00:58:38.000 And so we're leaving the kitchen, and we're talking about something in the script.

00:58:42.000 And he stops, and he goes...

00:58:44.000 He delivers one of the lines, and he delivers it so flawlessly.

00:58:48.000 And it was the first time I heard Parks do what would be Abe and Cooper. 0.99

00:58:53.000 And so I was like, oh my god, Parks, my heart skipped a beat and shit. 0.91

00:58:57.000 He left, and I turned to John Gordon, and I was like, dude, he's going to win an award. 0.92

00:59:01.000 I don't know what it is, but there's no way people don't cite him.

00:59:05.000 For that one line, he slipped into Abe and Cooper.

00:59:08.000 You could hear it.

00:59:09.000 The gravitas of the life that Michael Parks has led in forming every job he did or didn't get, an entire life.

00:59:18.000 He brought to bear on this.

00:59:19.000 He gave a monster some soul.

00:59:21.000 Like, you look at that character on the page, very two-dimensional, easy to hate.

00:59:25.000 Michael put a soul on him, where, you know, you still hate him, but you're like, oh, there's somebody under there.

00:59:30.000 You know, he's not just like a two-dimensional cartoon you could easily write off.

00:59:34.000 He brought something to it, and I wanted him to do a two-dimensional cartoon.

00:59:38.000 Like, I was just like, I'm going to put you in tracksuits, because that's what Fred Phelps wears.

00:59:42.000 And, you know, you can talk like him.

00:59:43.000 He goes, I don't want to do that.

00:59:44.000 If you want me to do a Fred Phelps impression, get somebody else. 0.99

00:59:47.000 He's going, that man's fucking boring. 0.99

00:59:49.000 He's like, I came to act. 1.00

00:59:50.000 I was like, right on.

00:59:51.000 And he did charismatic instead.

00:59:53.000 Wow.

00:59:54.000 He's a dude, man. 1.00

00:59:54.000 He don't fuck around. 1.00

00:59:55.000 This is a dude who's a straight shooter. 1.00

00:59:57.000 70 years old.

00:59:59.000 He's not pulling punches. 0.99

01:00:00.000 He's going to tell you exactly how he fucking feels. 0.99

01:00:02.000 And he... 0.99

01:00:03.000 What is it that has to be a little intimidating, though, when you're having that kind of a conversation with him?

01:00:06.000 You wanted him to do that, though, right?

01:00:08.000 Yeah.

01:00:08.000 You wanted him to take it and own it.

01:00:09.000 It all exists because of him.

01:00:11.000 And, like, he'll give you...

01:00:12.000 You know, like, I'm a grown-up, so I can take good ideas, leave stuff behind.

01:00:16.000 He gave me the wonderful idea you've seen the movie. 0.98

01:00:18.000 Like, it ends with somebody going, shut the fuck up, from off-camera. 0.97

01:00:23.000 Spoiler, spoilers. 0.98

01:00:24.000 Um, that came from parks.

01:00:26.000 It wasn't in the script.

01:00:27.000 It was just, you know, uh, just ended where it kind of ended without that.

01:00:31.000 And parks was like, how about instead you go off of me and I'm trying to be vague.

01:00:36.000 So as not to spoil it, but I hope you remember what I'm talking about.

01:00:38.000 Totally.

01:00:39.000 off of me singing and then you go down to another cell and there you are you know and you You're giving away way too much of your movie right now.

01:00:49.000 A little bit, but again, I said spoilers, but...

01:00:52.000 Tune out, folks.

01:00:54.000 Yeah.

01:00:54.000 But anyway, he goes, you say blah, blah, blah, you say that line.

01:00:59.000 And I was just like, I said, Parks, I would love to, but I think it'd be weird in this moment.

01:01:05.000 I said, I like the idea of that line.

01:01:07.000 I said, but cut to me in the movie.

01:01:09.000 I'm not in the movie, and I think people would take people out of the movie.

01:01:14.000 And he goes, why?

01:01:15.000 And I was going, because people would recognize me.

01:01:18.000 And he goes, from what?

01:01:20.000 And I realized, like, oh my God, this guy, like...

01:01:23.000 He has no clue that I've had this whole other career.

01:01:26.000 As far as he knows, it's Red State and Red State only.

01:01:29.000 He knows I made some movies.

01:01:31.000 He has no idea what they are.

01:01:32.000 Didn't know I was in them or anything.

01:01:33.000 That was so sweet.

01:01:34.000 It was going in pure, you know what I'm saying?

01:01:36.000 This dude went in all about the craft.

01:01:38.000 And he dropped science on that performance.

01:01:41.000 And he would sit there from time to time and be like, can I grab one more take?

01:01:44.000 And I'd be like, Parks, you can have as many takes as you want.

01:01:47.000 We're literally all here.

01:01:48.000 Because of you.

01:01:49.000 Because I saw that performance in From Dusk Till Dawn.

01:01:52.000 So it was kind of like the whole movie was kind of a park celebration.

01:01:56.000 People that didn't know him fell in love with him as we made the movie because the dude just...

01:02:03.000 Every day you were awed by something he did.

01:02:06.000 You were sitting there going, oh my god, do you remember?

01:02:09.000 He started singing in the movie.

01:02:10.000 At one point, we had the whole chapel, everyone in the chapel singing.

01:02:15.000 And I said, for some other part of the movie, I said, hey man, while this thing's going on over here on camera, I'm going to push in on you.

01:02:23.000 You want to sing one of those gospel hymnals?

01:02:25.000 Because he picked the other one, Old Rugged Cross.

01:02:27.000 I said, you got another one you want to go with?

01:02:29.000 And he's like, yeah, man, I can sing farther along.

01:02:32.000 You want that?

01:02:33.000 And I was like, yeah, whatever.

01:02:34.000 Sure, totally. 1.00

01:02:35.000 And we shoot him. 1.00

01:02:36.000 We're pushing in on him. 0.98

01:02:36.000 And he sings farther along. 0.98

01:02:38.000 And it's kind of as it is in the movie.

01:02:40.000 He's got this beautiful, soulful voice.

01:02:41.000 The man had made records.

01:02:43.000 So...

01:02:45.000 Oh, it sweeps me off my feet.

01:02:47.000 And it's a church song, but I'm still way into it.

01:02:49.000 Next day, I come into work.

01:02:51.000 Everyone on set, periodically, you hear them going, like, Father in love.

01:02:55.000 And they're all singing it.

01:02:56.000 And I'm like, it's good.

01:02:57.000 I said, right?

01:02:58.000 Like, it's catchy?

01:02:58.000 They're like, yeah, for a Jesus song, it's pretty catchy and stuff.

01:03:01.000 So he brought that to it, too, the elements of singing.

01:03:04.000 Charisma.

01:03:05.000 Charisma.

01:03:06.000 And that's what he went for.

01:03:07.000 He said he wanted to play it as a charismatic.

01:03:09.000 He had this whole backstory for, like, you know, not only Abe and Cooper's father, but his grandfather.

01:03:15.000 He's like, oh, he's very close with his grandfather.

01:03:17.000 He wrote a backstory himself to create for the character?

01:03:19.000 Yeah, he told me.

01:03:20.000 He's just like, look...

01:03:21.000 He was tight with his grandfather.

01:03:23.000 And his grandfather was still fire and brimstone.

01:03:26.000 He was charismatic, but he was still strict.

01:03:28.000 But his grandfather still also had a sense of humor for the kids.

01:03:31.000 So his grandfather would be the one in the kitchen, you know, pulling like a train whistle down with one fist and lifting a leg and farting with the other.

01:03:39.000 So he was still kind of human.

01:03:40.000 So he loved his grandfather, Ivan Cooper, even though he preached the holy word and he loved him for it.

01:03:46.000 His father also preached the holy word.

01:03:48.000 This killed me because part's going on all eloquently. 0.99

01:03:51.000 He goes, His father also preached the Holy Word, but he probably touched his dick, so he don't talk about his father ever. 0.99

01:03:57.000 I was like, that's astounding, dude. 0.99

01:03:59.000 That's amazing.

01:04:00.000 That's so bizarre.

01:04:01.000 But he gave it thought.

01:04:02.000 He gave thought into buying the outfit, dude.

01:04:04.000 He went out and picked out the wardrobe person.

01:04:09.000 Picked every piece.

01:04:10.000 He was just like, never really done that before.

01:04:12.000 Gone out with girls who are looking for specific sizes, but...

01:04:14.000 He, right down to the underwear and the socks, the dude had to be involved in picking the choices that what Abin wore.

01:04:21.000 He felt represented.

01:04:22.000 Yeah, and he put the outfit together.

01:04:24.000 I remember the first time she showed me a picture of him in the outfit.

01:04:27.000 Beth shows me pictures of Abin in his outfit.

01:04:36.000 Michael Parks.

01:04:38.000 And I'm going, oh man, that ain't it at all.

01:04:41.000 I was looking for a tracksuit.

01:04:42.000 Like, this dude wearing some khakis and a button-down shirt and a tie.

01:04:45.000 Looks like a schoolteacher.

01:04:47.000 And I had, you know, I'd written, I'd read State on my brain for like five years.

01:04:51.000 You know, wrote it five years ago.

01:04:52.000 And I'd always had a very specific idea of what he looked like, which was stolen from the look of Fred Phelps.

01:04:57.000 And...

01:04:58.000 I remember going, like, I don't know, man.

01:05:00.000 Like, how do I dress this?

01:05:01.000 I don't want him to wear this.

01:05:02.000 And she was like, you might want to go with it.

01:05:05.000 He's dialed into the costume.

01:05:06.000 And it was such a good choice because the clothes made the man, like, I don't even know how else to say it.

01:05:11.000 It sounds corny.

01:05:14.000 But the outfit made him, just allowed him to do what he had to do up there.

01:05:18.000 He felt like, if you see him early in the movie, at one point he's at the protest, holding a cup of coffee outside.

01:05:23.000 He's wearing just a jacket, a windbreaker, and a t-shirt or something.

01:05:27.000 But whenever he spoke the holy word, he would put on his Sunday best, essentially.

01:05:31.000 And this was his Sunday best, like the button-down shirt with the tie.

01:05:35.000 And he believed in presenting, particularly if you're going to go up there and preach the Holy Word, you should look respectable.

01:05:40.000 All this philosophy behind just the outfit.

01:05:43.000 And the whole time, I feared it until we went in front of cameras and I was like, this looks beautiful.

01:05:49.000 Like the outfit is perfect in some weird way because it gives him this just air of respectability. 1.00

01:05:55.000 And that makes the shit coming out of his mouth that much more heinous. 1.00

01:05:59.000 I realize I'm still standing. 1.00

01:06:00.000 He was...

01:06:03.000 Yeah, that guy's a unique talent.

01:06:06.000 It's hard to believe that it's taken him this long for, well, it's taken me this long to find out who he is.

01:06:13.000 You know, like, why doesn't America...

01:06:15.000 Quentin and Robert.

01:06:16.000 Quentin and Tarantino particularly.

01:06:18.000 This is my charming Quentin story. 0.99

01:06:20.000 I love this story because it shows you that we're all like fucking kids in this business. 0.99

01:06:25.000 We go see the movie. 1.00

01:06:27.000 Quentin's got his own fucking movie theater at his house. 1.00

01:06:29.000 Looks like a fucking real movie theater. 1.00

01:06:30.000 Movie seats, fucking popcorn and shit. 1.00

01:06:33.000 He's got these awesome sculptures from his movies all around by this artist named Cleet Shields. 1.00

01:06:38.000 Great.

01:06:39.000 Own personal movie theater sits about 50 or 60 or something like that.

01:06:42.000 Maybe a little less.

01:06:44.000 So we go watch Red State.

01:06:46.000 There's me, Quentin, and Parks.

01:06:48.000 Michael Parks.

01:06:49.000 And he liked it.

01:06:50.000 He liked it.

01:06:51.000 He really loved it.

01:06:52.000 I don't want to oversell it.

01:06:53.000 But he dug the movie so much, he watched it without us when he wasn't supposed to.

01:06:58.000 Like, he got the print two days early.

01:06:59.000 We were supposed to watch it with him the day that we joined him.

01:07:02.000 And he was like, I'm going to be honest with you.

01:07:03.000 I watched it already.

01:07:04.000 Twice. 0.95

01:07:05.000 Fucking love it. 0.97

01:07:06.000 You know, I was like, oh, you don't have to apologize. 1.00

01:07:08.000 That's fucking awesome and shit. 0.99

01:07:10.000 So he watched it with us again. 1.00

01:07:13.000 Then afterwards he goes, come in the house, because the theater is separate from the house. 0.99

01:07:17.000 And he brings us in the house, and this fucking charmed me. 0.98

01:07:20.000 I will never forget this. 0.98

01:07:22.000 He goes, I've got to show you my tape.

01:07:23.000 I've got to show you my Michael Parks tape.

01:07:26.000 And he goes into, you know, he's got big entertainment centers, DVDs everywhere and stuff, high tech everywhere, but he also still has VHS. And the dude lays hands on a fucking VHS tape, almost as if I thought I hit the fucking flux capacitor, because I ain't seen one in a while. 0.94

01:07:40.000 And there, scribble on the fucking side and marker, because remember, we used to write on the side of our videotapes when we made our own tapes. 0.99

01:07:48.000 Um... 0.99

01:07:48.000 The best of Michael Parks. 0.99

01:07:50.000 And Quentin throws this tape in.

01:07:52.000 And what it is, is he's such a fan of this guy's work.

01:07:56.000 He loves him going back to then-came Bronson.

01:07:59.000 He loves this dude's work so much.

01:08:02.000 Anytime this dude's going to turn up on TV or gets a video of him, he records from tape to tape or from TV to tape. 0.89

01:08:11.000 The segments of his performance, everything that involves Michael Parks, and particularly the highlights and shit.

01:08:18.000 So what you have is a collection of some of the cheesiest exploitation straight-to-TV movies, about a high school volleyball team or college volleyball team and stuff like that, murder mysteries and whatnot. 0.86

01:08:31.000 Like, real programmers.

01:08:33.000 And as he's showing you the clips, even though it's programmers all around him, Michael Parks is still in each one of these scenes that Quentin has pulled off and put onto this VHS, dropping science, performance science, where you're just like, this is crazy. 0.99

01:08:50.000 Like, this dude's doing Shakespeare in the middle of shit.

01:08:53.000 And not to put anybody who made those movies down or off or whatever, but clearly, like, everyone else is kind of like, you know, here we are collecting a check and this is about the furthest we can go. 0.98

01:09:05.000 And this dude is like...

01:09:08.000 Crushing it.

01:09:09.000 Crushing it.

01:09:09.000 Like what movies?

01:09:11.000 A lot of TV movies.

01:09:11.000 I don't even know them, dude.

01:09:13.000 They're all TV movies from the 60s and 70s and a little bit into the 80s.

01:09:17.000 And that's what Quentin had collected.

01:09:19.000 He's got an encyclopedic knowledge of cinema and even bad trash cinema. 0.86

01:09:25.000 But there is no such thing as trash cinema to this guy. 0.78

01:09:29.000 He watched that movie and he found gold. 1.00

01:09:32.000 Like diamonds in the midst of shit that was just maybe simple or fucking programming material. 1.00

01:09:37.000 And he collected them for years on a fucking VHS tape. 1.00

01:09:41.000 Long before he ever knew he would be a filmmaker. 0.99

01:09:44.000 Long before he ever knew he'd meet Michael Parks. 0.97

01:09:47.000 Let alone become a filmmaker, make movies with Michael Parks in them, direct Michael Parks and inspire me to make a fucking movie where I put Michael Parks in it. 0.96

01:09:56.000 Like, that's what he said to me. 0.97

01:09:57.000 He's like...

01:09:58.000 Oh my God, he's going, as a Michael Parks fan, I love this.

01:10:01.000 This is the ultimate Michael Parks movie.

01:10:03.000 I was like, right, right!

01:10:04.000 So for me, I loved that.

01:10:07.000 The tape, dude.

01:10:08.000 He still had it.

01:10:09.000 If he had just told us the story of, I used to have this tape, man.

01:10:13.000 That would have been cool enough, dude.

01:10:16.000 But he produced it, and we all watched it together.

01:10:18.000 And I sat in a chair off to the side, and him and Parks sat on the couch.

01:10:24.000 I would have rolled a tear if it wouldn't have embarrassed them both or made them be like, get out.

01:10:29.000 But there they were.

01:10:30.000 The man whose work that this kid filmmaker loved so much. 1.00

01:10:35.000 Think about the shit you made mixtapes of when you were a kid. 0.99

01:10:38.000 He made this guy's performance and there he is watching that very same tape With the guy on the tape. 1.00

01:10:45.000 The actor he loves.

01:10:46.000 Oh, it was touching.

01:10:47.000 That's inspiring, but it's also inspiring that there's guys like Tarantino out there.

01:10:51.000 Real enthusiasts. 0.99

01:10:53.000 Dudes who get really fucking super excited about some shit. 1.00

01:10:57.000 But that's like you with fucking MMA or whatever the fuck. 1.00

01:11:01.000 The shit that you're into, you're super into. 1.00

01:11:03.000 You get geeky about. 1.00

01:11:04.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:11:04.000 He gets geeky about fucking movies. 1.00

01:11:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:07.000 And that passion will translate to an audience.

01:11:09.000 For everything.

01:11:10.000 Whatever it is that you're doing, man. 0.98

01:11:11.000 I never wanted to see a fucking single UFC fight. 0.97

01:11:15.000 But when you talked about it on the show, when you came on our show, I was like, you know, I would go see this now. 0.96

01:11:23.000 When you talk about it with the passion and enthusiasm you do, it translates to somebody who was never sold before.

01:11:29.000 And I wasn't even on the fence, really. 0.99

01:11:31.000 But then when I watch you talk about it, I'm like, this motherfucker's smart. 0.99

01:11:34.000 He's one of the smartest dudes I ever met. 0.99

01:11:36.000 Everyone running the organization is intelligent.

01:11:39.000 It's a totally different thing than what people expect. 0.98

01:11:42.000 You hear the term cage fighting, you think, well, there's going to be a bunch of barbaric assholes and mean people beating up other mean people. 0.92

01:11:51.000 That's not what it is at all. 0.98

01:11:53.000 Mean people.

01:11:53.000 What it is, is people that are trying to attempt to do the most difficult thing in all of sport.

01:11:59.000 Put your body and your health at risk to go after another person's body and shut it down and take it out.

01:12:06.000 It's the craziest game of all time.

01:12:08.000 Yeah.

01:12:08.000 But it's the oldest game of all time.

01:12:10.000 Male dominance over other men.

01:12:12.000 And look, we have a society where obviously that's illegal.

01:12:15.000 You can't beat people up.

01:12:17.000 It's good.

01:12:18.000 We want everything to be civilized.

01:12:19.000 But in the midst of evolution where we find ourselves in this stage along the way from changing from a wild animal to a conscious being, we still got a lot of chimpanzee DNA that needs to be satisfied.

01:12:33.000 And there's one or two ways to do it.

01:12:34.000 Either you can suppress it, you can pretend it doesn't exist, or you can give it something like porn or violence on television and movies and in sports.

01:12:44.000 You could give it something to live vicariously through.

01:12:47.000 Is that why I like porn? 0.59

01:12:48.000 Yes!

01:12:49.000 Because if you don't have these other ways to live vicariously through, there's only one other way around it.

01:12:53.000 You have to go find whatever it is you're looking for, whether it's find violence or find sex.

01:12:57.000 But if you can get violence and sex in a television form, you can eliminate it from real life.

01:13:02.000 The Japanese have believed this forever.

01:13:03.000 The Japanese believe that you're much more likely to commit heinous sexual crimes if it's difficult to get laid. 0.82

01:13:11.000 They're so freaky over there, you can buy used women's panties and dispensers. 1.00

01:13:15.000 It's ridiculous. 0.85

01:13:16.000 You put some cash, you buy underwear. 0.99

01:13:17.000 And their porn, there's no pubic hair. 1.00

01:13:20.000 It's only nipples, and even those are kind of taken out. 0.99

01:13:24.000 Very strange.

01:13:24.000 But their animation and their comic books...

01:13:28.000 Yeah, are fucking intense, a lot of bondage, a lot of fucking... 1.00

01:13:32.000 It's giant cocks, too. 1.00

01:13:33.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:13:34.000 Giant vein-laden...

01:13:35.000 You're not allowed to see hair, pubic hair.

01:13:37.000 So bizarre.

01:13:38.000 Very strange.

01:13:38.000 Yeah, they have...

01:13:39.000 It's got to be weird when an entire country looks so similar physically.

01:13:46.000 I mean, obviously you can tell the difference between one Japanese guy to another. 0.68

01:13:49.000 I know a lot of Japanese people, but essentially the vast majority of the people that live in Japan have this one look, dark hair, you know, the Japanese look.

01:14:00.000 I mean, they are a clear race.

01:14:02.000 It's got to be so strange to be a part of such a specific ethnicity. 1.00

01:14:07.000 I'm a mutt. 0.73

01:14:08.000 You look like you're probably a mutt. 1.00

01:14:09.000 You're a mutt. 0.98

01:14:10.000 We're a combination. 0.61

01:14:11.000 I'm a little bit Irish, a little bit Italian.

01:14:14.000 I'm just a white guy to most people.

01:14:17.000 Japanese people, that is a very clear race.

01:14:20.000 It's got to be very strange to be a part of a real powerful, dominant...

01:14:27.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:14:28.000 You look at...

01:14:31.000 Some Italians you can see this in.

01:14:33.000 You look at them and you go, oh, clearly that guy's some sort of an Italian guy.

01:14:38.000 Or if not, he's Armenian or something like that.

01:14:40.000 That sort of dark look.

01:14:42.000 But it could be a bunch of different things.

01:14:44.000 Japanese guys look like Japanese guys. 0.99

01:14:46.000 If you understand what Asian people look like, Koreans have a different look to them, but it must be interesting to be a part of one of, I mean, how many millions of Japanese people are there?

01:14:59.000 And to have such a similar look with all these different people like you that you could be recognized immediately somewhere else in the country.

01:15:06.000 I think it'd be awesome to have a culture.

01:15:08.000 Like, they have a culture.

01:15:09.000 I mean, we have pop culture, which thank God, because that's why I have a job.

01:15:13.000 But they have a culture that goes back eons.

01:15:17.000 And we don't really have that. 0.71

01:15:19.000 And as white mutts, we don't really have...

01:15:21.000 A culture that goes back eons.

01:15:24.000 What always impressed me about the Japanese is the culture of discipline.

01:15:27.000 They've had this culture of discipline and of martial arts. 0.95

01:15:31.000 The discipline of war and strategy way before any of the European countries ever figured out what the fuck was going on. 0.97

01:15:39.000 Like Shogun. 0.90

01:15:40.000 This tattoo that I have on my arm is Miyamoto Musashi battling a tiger.

01:15:45.000 This famous samurai guy, and he wrote this book called The Book of Five Rings.

01:15:51.000 It's an amazing book, man, where you've got to get into this guy's head that he's living, I believe it was the 15th century.

01:15:58.000 So I think it was like the 1400s.

01:16:00.000 I might be wrong.

01:16:02.000 Whenever he was writing this book, basically, he was a ronin. 0.99

01:16:06.000 So he would travel the earth.

01:16:07.000 He had no master.

01:16:09.000 He had no emperor. 0.99

01:16:10.000 So he was traveling the earth, basically having fucking sword fights with people. 0.99

01:16:15.000 He had, like, 60 duels, one-on-one duels with other men and killed them in hand-to-hand, one-on-one combat. 0.99

01:16:23.000 I mean, it's a crazy thought, the thing about killing people with swords.

01:16:26.000 This guy did it to, like, 60 different guys.

01:16:29.000 Swords, and in some situations he thought swords were too easy, so he would let them use a sword and he would use a stick. 0.99

01:16:36.000 I mean, he was fucking... 0.98

01:16:37.000 He was a fascinating character. 0.99

01:16:39.000 But his...

01:16:40.000 His whole life was based on balance.

01:16:43.000 It was about art.

01:16:44.000 It was about philosophy.

01:16:46.000 It was about seeking the correct way.

01:16:50.000 And for him, the way of the sword was simply the way to be successful, the most successful movements in any given situation as far as what combat is.

01:16:59.000 But he equated this combat to artistic integrity, The ability to create things freely, the ability to draw and paint, the ability to write poetry and to elegantly express your feelings.

01:17:11.000 To him, it was all connected.

01:17:13.000 It was all one piece of excellence and that is like a guide to live your life by.

01:17:18.000 And he had this statement that I read when I was a kid and it always stuck with me.

01:17:24.000 Once you understand the way broadly, you can see it in all things. 0.89

01:17:28.000 The idea being that once you find out how to tap into anything, like find out how to be a great movie director, find out how to be a great guy who draws animation, a fucking singer, a chess player. 0.96

01:17:41.000 Say it again. 0.93

01:17:42.000 Once you find the...

01:17:43.000 Once you understand the way broadly you can see it in all things.

01:17:47.000 This is a translation from Japanese, so it's not...

01:17:50.000 Probably not totally accurate.

01:17:52.000 But that's what he meant, is that you find greatness.

01:17:55.000 You find greatness as a carpenter.

01:17:57.000 You find greatness as a samurai.

01:17:59.000 There's that same thing when you just tap into the zone where you're just really tuning into whatever the fuck you're doing, and then you let creativity sort of spread it out for you. 0.93

01:18:10.000 Comes better with age too, doesn't it? 0.97

01:18:12.000 Comes better with what?

01:18:16.000 With awareness, I think.

01:18:17.000 With awareness?

01:18:17.000 Not even just with age?

01:18:19.000 I think the age is just experience.

01:18:20.000 And that's awareness?

01:18:21.000 Yeah.

01:18:21.000 Or eventually equates to awareness?

01:18:23.000 I don't think it's necessarily just age.

01:18:24.000 There's a lot of people that get older and they put that box closer and closer to their head.

01:18:29.000 They want to see less and less of the world.

01:18:32.000 It's all you're seeking as well.

01:18:35.000 You're not trapped in some sort of a box every day.

01:18:37.000 So as you get older, of course you're going to get more tuned into things.

01:18:41.000 You're constantly still asking the questions.

01:18:43.000 You're not trapped in a slave box.

01:18:45.000 I used to be a destination guy.

01:18:47.000 I talked about it with Moser on Smodcast quite a bit back in the day.

01:18:51.000 I was Destination.

01:18:52.000 He was very journey-oriented for him. 0.97

01:18:55.000 It was all about like, hey man, everything's a journey and, you know, it's like the journey is the fucking fun and blah, blah, blah. 0.91

01:19:01.000 And I was like, no, Destination, get there.

01:19:03.000 I just want to get to where we're supposed to be.

01:19:05.000 And the last few years I've flipped and now I am kind of like...

01:19:08.000 The journey is more important to me.

01:19:11.000 You know why that is?

01:19:12.000 Why? 1.00

01:19:12.000 Because you're rich as fuck. 1.00

01:19:14.000 No, weed. 1.00

01:19:14.000 I think it's weed. 1.00

01:19:15.000 It's that too, but it's also you're successful.

01:19:17.000 You think so?

01:19:17.000 You don't have to worry about it anymore.

01:19:19.000 Yeah, you're fucking Kevin Smith. 0.99

01:19:20.000 You've got two million followers on Twitter. 0.99

01:19:24.000 You can talk to them whenever you want to.

01:19:25.000 They want to come and see your movies. 0.99

01:19:26.000 You're in this weird zone where you don't have to give a fuck anymore. 0.99

01:19:29.000 Yeah, you know what it is? 0.99

01:19:30.000 It's beautiful.

01:19:30.000 Somebody put it best, and I love the expression...

01:19:33.000 And I've co-opted it, but they said, Kevin doesn't have to work for anyone anymore because he works for the audience.

01:19:41.000 And I was like, oh, God, that's perfect.

01:19:43.000 It's true.

01:19:44.000 That's it. 1.00

01:19:45.000 If you could get to that place where it's not about, like, fuck everyone. 1.00

01:19:50.000 No, no, no. 0.99

01:19:50.000 But you don't rely on anybody for anything. 0.99

01:19:53.000 It's all coming from within you, your camp, or something like that.

01:19:57.000 Not like there's no help.

01:19:58.000 Of course you get help within your world, but...

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 01, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #134 - Kevin Smith (Part 2)

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