The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #14 - Brian Redban

00:00:00.000 Start the broadcast.

00:00:03.000 Shazam! 0.80

00:00:04.000 You've gotten really good at this, Joe. 1.00

00:00:06.000 I'm a goddamn wizard at this shit now, son. 1.00

00:00:09.000 I know exactly how to do it. 1.00

00:00:10.000 I get that shit up and running. 1.00

00:00:13.000 Very great. 0.99

00:00:14.000 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to...

00:00:16.000 This has got to be like our 12th real podcast.

00:00:19.000 Something like that.

00:00:20.000 I can't believe I've kept it up this long. 1.00

00:00:22.000 And it's all because of you fuckers. 1.00

00:00:26.000 I haven't figured that yet. 1.00

00:00:28.000 That's awesome.

00:00:29.000 Here we go.

00:00:30.000 It's all because of you people.

00:00:31.000 Positive energy that I get from you guys and all the people that I run into on the road that say they love the podcast.

00:00:40.000 Keeps me doing it, so we're going to keep doing it. 0.96

00:00:43.000 It's fun as fuck. 0.93

00:00:45.000 It's on iTunes now. 0.94

00:00:47.000 You can get it on iTunes.

00:00:48.000 I think it's just Joe Roman Podcast.

00:00:50.000 Is that what it is?

00:00:50.000 Yeah.

00:00:52.000 The one that has the most ones.

00:00:54.000 There's a couple other ones that other people have created, but this is the real one.

00:00:58.000 There's also people that have noticed that have taken straight up bits and put it on iTunes and put it underneath a podcast name.

00:01:05.000 You might want to get on.

00:01:06.000 I don't know if you care.

00:01:08.000 You know, my attitude about the internet is always that the internet, you know, you can't... 0.99

00:01:14.000 Can't put any energy into trying to take your shit down, especially as a comedian. 0.99

00:01:20.000 It's inconvenient sometimes. 0.99

00:01:21.000 I go places and people have already seen bits that aren't out on anything yet, and they've seen it because somebody YouTubed it. 0.93

00:01:28.000 Stanhope has a whole bit about how people will put your shit on YouTube when it's not done.

00:01:33.000 The way Stanhope works and the way I work, we both work real similar in that. 0.96

00:01:37.000 We have an idea and it's never totally done.

00:01:40.000 You keep adding to it and tweaking it.

00:01:42.000 And then when you put it on a recording, at least there it's kind of done.

00:01:46.000 But oftentimes I'll put something on a recording and then a week afterwards or two weeks or even a month later, I have a better tagline.

00:01:53.000 So before the things even on television, I have a new, better way to do it.

00:01:57.000 But somebody once said to me that you've got to look at stand-up comedy as every performance is just capturing a moment in time.

00:02:06.000 Which is true once you've got some good stuff out there.

00:02:09.000 But it's not true if you don't have anything good out there.

00:02:12.000 So if you don't like...

00:02:13.000 Until like Shiny Happy Jihad, I was not happy with any of my stuff.

00:02:17.000 I would do it and I was like, oh...

00:02:19.000 Like when I did that 2005, the one that's just called Joe Rogan Live...

00:02:24.000 The one that's out of print?

00:02:25.000 No, the one that was for Netflix.

00:02:27.000 The one that was for Netflix that we did in Phoenix.

00:02:29.000 When I was doing that, I was doing The Man Show, UFC, comedy...

00:02:35.000 And Fear Factor at the same time.

00:02:37.000 I was doing all of them at once.

00:02:38.000 And I was frazzled.

00:02:41.000 And it was just like, it wasn't my best performance.

00:02:44.000 Like I wasn't, like when I look at it, I think that I'm like tense.

00:02:48.000 I'm not like enjoying myself.

00:02:51.000 So, I think, you know, but that's, that one I consider like that's a moment in time.

00:02:56.000 Like that, at least it was better than the stuff that I had before, you know. 0.62

00:02:59.000 My first CD I liked some of the bits, but it's like my delivery was kind of fucked up back then.

00:03:04.000 But now I looked at it, you know, I look at the stuff that's out now, it's like, you know, every now and then someone can like videotape something, like before.

00:03:12.000 Way before it becomes anything. 0.94

00:03:13.000 You know, like, you'll videotape me just talking shit on stage, and then, you know, it'll become a bit somewhere down the line. 0.98

00:03:21.000 But, you know, by the time someone, if I go to a show somewhere, if they're a fan and they download my shit, they might have already seen the premise. 0.99

00:03:27.000 You know what I mean? 0.85

00:03:27.000 And it might, like, not be as fun for them. 0.85

00:03:29.000 You know, it's like...

00:03:30.000 So it's like...

00:03:32.000 You could look at it that it hurts you, but I don't think it does.

00:03:36.000 I think having stuff out on the internet that people enjoy is always good.

00:03:40.000 That's the big problem though with everything like now, like TV shows, like Hulu and stuff like that.

00:03:44.000 They want to share it, they want to do that concept, but they also need to make a profit from it, which is kind of interesting how they have to go about doing it.

00:03:52.000 Yeah, I think we're experiencing a whole new model.

00:03:56.000 And I think your attitude about how your fans get your stuff is very important.

00:04:03.000 It's very important because it represents how you feel as a performer and what you feel the relationship that you have with the audience is. 0.99

00:04:11.000 And if I was this greedy dude that was like, fuck them, they gotta fucking pay, I want my fucking money. 0.99

00:04:16.000 If you really think like that... 1.00

00:04:19.000 These people are just like you. 0.99

00:04:21.000 And be fucking honest, man. 1.00

00:04:22.000 If you were 18 years old and you were broke, you're going to fucking download shit. 1.00

00:04:27.000 You're just going to do it. 1.00

00:04:28.000 It doesn't mean you're not a fan.

00:04:29.000 I mean, sometimes you're broke.

00:04:31.000 And I think if you have people...

00:04:36.000 I think if you have a certain attitude about what you do, and that attitude is that you're just trying to create things...

00:04:44.000 And you're trying to make money off of it, but really trying to create things that people are going to enjoy.

00:04:49.000 Like, that's the most important thing.

00:04:50.000 It's not the making money thing.

00:04:51.000 It's the money will come if you work and if people enjoy your work.

00:04:55.000 They're going to support you.

00:04:57.000 People are going to come to see your shows.

00:04:58.000 They're going to buy DVDs if they have the money.

00:05:01.000 If they have the money, like, if I, like, there's a band that I really like, I'll download their shit online, like, on iTunes, and then I'll buy a CD2 to play in my car.

00:05:09.000 Just because I want to support them.

00:05:10.000 Just because I really enjoy them.

00:05:12.000 I could hook my iPod up to my car, but I will spend that money because I want to support them.

00:05:18.000 Any movie that's good, even if I'm not going to watch the DVD, I buy it.

00:05:22.000 I always buy it.

00:05:22.000 If I enjoyed it in the movie theater, I buy it.

00:05:24.000 And I feel like I'm supporting artists when I do that.

00:05:28.000 And I feel like that's what people are going to do too.

00:05:30.000 The internet is a crazy new thing, man.

00:05:35.000 We're going to get to this weird point where...

00:05:37.000 See, right now it's just information.

00:05:39.000 Right now the ability to send information is pretty profound in how our world has changed.

00:05:46.000 But it's only information right now.

00:05:48.000 Eventually, it's going to be more than information.

00:05:50.000 When they come up with...

00:05:51.000 I was talking to Cliffy B, my friend Cliffy B from Epic Games.

00:05:54.000 He's the coolest.

00:05:55.000 Cliffy B is the dude who...

00:05:57.000 He's like the main man behind Gears of War, the whole series of them, the Unreal games.

00:06:02.000 Super, super cool dude.

00:06:04.000 Like a really fun guy.

00:06:05.000 And he came to my comedy show.

00:06:07.000 And then we came to the UFC afterwards.

00:06:11.000 And then we even hung out.

00:06:12.000 He came to the after party.

00:06:13.000 And we were talking...

00:06:14.000 He's a super cool guy.

00:06:15.000 And we were talking about the ability eventually of making printers that can print up things.

00:06:23.000 That's really what's going to happen eventually.

00:06:25.000 That's already kind of real.

00:06:26.000 They have printers that can make memes and stuff.

00:06:29.000 3D, yeah.

00:06:30.000 He was talking about 3D models that they can make with these.

00:06:33.000 But they're going to get to a point, and it's not that far off, where you, say if your mouse breaks, you're going to be able to go to this computer printer thing And you're going to be able to put in the combinations or whatever the fuck you have to say to get a mouse or download a mouse program. 0.98

00:06:49.000 And a mouse is going to fucking appear.

00:06:51.000 I mean, you're really going to be able to make things with a printer. 0.98

00:06:54.000 You know, and you remember the first printers that were old and clumsy and fucked up and slow, you know, and the ink wasn't that good.

00:07:01.000 I have this new Epson. 0.91

00:07:03.000 It's just like a hundred bucks or something.

00:07:05.000 Maybe a hundred fifty bucks. 1.00

00:07:06.000 The fucking thing is like lightning, dude. 1.00

00:07:08.000 Pages just fly off of it. 1.00

00:07:10.000 It's Wi-Fi. 1.00

00:07:10.000 You can print it from your fucking phone. 1.00

00:07:12.000 You can print it from the road. 1.00

00:07:13.000 You can call it up.

00:07:14.000 I mean, it's insane. 0.99

00:07:15.000 There's programs that you can get on your goddamn iPhone where you can print shit up from your computer. 0.99

00:07:20.000 My old apartment, Joe, somebody had a wireless printer and they just had it open. 1.00

00:07:24.000 So I'd sit there and find the biggest goat see photo or dick with herpes. 0.99

00:07:28.000 And I'll throw it and I'll print it on the printer non-stop. 0.99

00:07:31.000 Sometimes I'll be like 50 pages.

00:07:34.000 And it never went away.

00:07:35.000 And it was like, printing's successful.

00:07:37.000 Oh, that's awesome.

00:07:38.000 And it's so funny how much that happens.

00:07:40.000 You could pretty much go through any neighborhood and get on somebody's printer and do that.

00:07:43.000 It's so fun.

00:07:44.000 Just take your laptop, get your Palm 3 Plus hotspot.

00:07:48.000 That's hilarious.

00:07:49.000 You could wreck some marriages like that. 1.00

00:07:51.000 If you knew a dude who had a printer like that, you could send him...

00:07:55.000 Just doctored up, photoshopped pictures of him blowing dudes. 0.99

00:08:00.000 You could start photoshop him in gay positions and make him ruin marriages. 1.00

00:08:06.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

00:08:07.000 That's the golden rule.

00:08:08.000 That's the other golden rule about the internet. 1.00

00:08:10.000 If there's a picture of you on the internet, someone, someone, they've photoshopped a dick in your mouth. 1.00

00:08:15.000 For sure. 1.00

00:08:16.000 Not a dick. 1.00

00:08:16.000 Many dicks. 1.00

00:08:17.000 Many dicks. 1.00

00:08:18.000 Broken ones. 0.99

00:08:19.000 For sure. 1.00

00:08:19.000 If there's a photo of you, there's a dick in your mouth. 1.00

00:08:21.000 It's probably one in your butt. 1.00

00:08:22.000 There's dicks all around you. 1.00

00:08:24.000 There's so many dicks of me. 1.00

00:08:26.000 Pictures of dicks online. 1.00

00:08:27.000 Just this one guy. 0.99

00:08:29.000 Flappo has done like a thousand of them.

00:08:31.000 Right.

00:08:31.000 You know?

00:08:32.000 It's always me and just dicks everywhere. 0.99

00:08:34.000 Just dicks all over the place. 1.00

00:08:35.000 Totally. 1.00

00:08:36.000 Have you ever seen how dildos are made and like assholes, you know, where you could buy like a girl's ass? 1.00

00:08:43.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:08:43.000 Well, I haven't seen how they're made, but I've seen them. 0.99

00:08:45.000 They're like, you're fucking something that's supposed to be a girl's butt. 1.00

00:08:48.000 Dude, they have people that sit there and paint veins. 1.00

00:08:52.000 And it's not just veins.

00:08:53.000 It's these Mexican ladies. 1.00

00:08:55.000 First they wipe this coat and they sit there and they have to stroke it for like an hour and that does under veins so it looks like the veins underneath the skin.

00:09:05.000 Then they let that dry.

00:09:07.000 Then they have this person that just does the purple ones, the significant veins. 0.96

00:09:11.000 Like the ones that have the main blood flow to the tip of the dick kind of veins. 0.98

00:09:15.000 It is the most creepiest thing. 0.98

00:09:18.000 You look there and you feel like somebody's getting murdered and you're watching it.

00:09:21.000 But it's just people making dildos.

00:09:23.000 And then when they cast her... 0.99

00:09:24.000 That's so true, though.

00:09:25.000 It is like...

00:09:26.000 Why does it creep us out so much to see bodies?

00:09:30.000 Like the idea of bodies?

00:09:31.000 I don't know, because it's...

00:09:32.000 I don't know.

00:09:33.000 It's terrifying.

00:09:33.000 It's like body parts and stuff.

00:09:35.000 Yeah.

00:09:36.000 It's terrifying to people. 0.98

00:09:37.000 And then when they make a cast, like if they have fucking Ron Jeremy come in there and they're like, alright, we're going to do a chubby dildo this week. 1.00

00:09:43.000 They have to put his dick in this tube, almost like when you ever see a horse, they're trying to get sperm from a horse to make babies or something like that. 1.00

00:09:52.000 They have to jack it off into this tube. 1.00

00:09:54.000 And they had the same thing with how they have to sit there with this plaster, and he can't touch it, and he has to stay hard for five minutes.

00:10:02.000 How can he stay hard? 1.00

00:10:04.000 He has to have his girl, or another porn star girl, just sit there and whisper, I want your butthole. 1.00

00:10:09.000 Oh, your balls. 1.00

00:10:10.000 Your balls. 1.00

00:10:11.000 And do it for five minutes. 1.00

00:10:12.000 You are the least sexy chick ever. 1.00

00:10:15.000 What you just did right there. 0.95

00:10:16.000 That was the least sexy imitation of a chick in history. 1.00

00:10:21.000 I don't care if I was in jail for a year, I wouldn't fuck you, dude. 1.00

00:10:24.000 It was like a Bruno voice, too. 1.00

00:10:25.000 But yeah, it's fucking crazy. 0.99

00:10:27.000 And then with the cast, they just have to like put plaster in your fucking vagina and just fucking sit there for five minutes and they pull out this thing and then they don't just play paste hair on it. 1.00

00:10:38.000 They actually have to sew with a thread and needle every single hair on the pussy. 1.00

00:10:44.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

00:10:45.000 Yeah, so go to a dildo factory. 0.99

00:10:46.000 I think there's one in Studio City. 0.63

00:10:47.000 You gotta take a trip there with a camera or something.

00:10:50.000 Yeah?

00:10:50.000 Do you think they would let you?

00:10:51.000 They did it for HBO six years ago.

00:10:53.000 Yeah, but it's HBO. I'm just a comedian.

00:10:56.000 I don't know if they would do it just for a regular dude.

00:10:58.000 Unless they were like UFC fans.

00:10:59.000 Dude.

00:11:00.000 The UFC? But do you think they would want to show people?

00:11:03.000 If you let them do... 1.00

00:11:04.000 I mean, if Longville were an asshole... 0.99

00:11:05.000 Would you let them do your cast? 1.00

00:11:06.000 No!

00:11:07.000 You would never do that.

00:11:08.000 They paid you $100,000.

00:11:10.000 Dude, I'm not getting a boner in front of any dude.

00:11:12.000 No, no, no, no.

00:11:13.000 If they made all the machine people hot women doing it. 1.00

00:11:17.000 All the scientists... 1.00

00:11:18.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:11:20.000 That would be weird, though, because that's what was after in this video I saw, that the porn star that did it, there was a box of his dicks, and he comes up and goes, That's hilarious. 1.00

00:11:29.000 That's my dick times 500. That's so crazy. 1.00

00:11:34.000 What a great idea, though.

00:11:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:11:36.000 You know, because people are such freaks, they watch someone fuck in a video, and they want to be like that person. 0.99

00:11:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:11:42.000 Yeah, it's so weird.

00:11:43.000 I want to get ones to see what it's like.

00:11:45.000 Yeah.

00:11:46.000 They have ones now.

00:11:47.000 Oh, I don't...

00:11:48.000 Never mind.

00:11:49.000 Crazy, huh?

00:11:50.000 Yeah.

00:11:52.000 What kind of a human being thought that up, the first guy? 0.96

00:11:56.000 A really horny priest. 0.90

00:11:58.000 Let's just get someone... 1.00

00:12:00.000 And we'll make an exact mold of their body so we can fuck it. 1.00

00:12:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:04.000 How crazy is this new thing about the priests?

00:12:08.000 You know what's happening?

00:12:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:10.000 That they're equating them being persecuted for kid fucking to the Holocaust. 0.98

00:12:16.000 And the Pope's going to save them all. 0.99

00:12:19.000 That's what they're saying.

00:12:20.000 The South Park was talking about that.

00:12:22.000 What is going on? 0.97

00:12:23.000 Like, how crazy is the Catholic religion? 1.00

00:12:26.000 The fact that it's still around is mind-boggling. 1.00

00:12:29.000 But the fact that anybody takes them seriously after all these fucking kids get molested. 0.99

00:12:34.000 Like, how many kids have to get molested before someone steps in and goes, Oh, maybe these guys aren't directly tied to God. 0.99

00:12:40.000 Like, maybe we've been fooled.

00:12:43.000 I mean, it's just amazing that a cult can have so much power in 2010 and that nobody wants to call it a cult.

00:12:51.000 And everybody wants to pretend that there's something sacred about it because it's been around forever. 0.99

00:12:55.000 Like, it's the craziest, most fucked up idea ever. 0.96

00:13:00.000 There was a big discussion about it on our message board and one of the most interesting arguments was So people were saying, you're discounting all the positive work that the Catholic Church does. 0.99

00:13:11.000 But I'm saying anything positive they do, will they do charities?

00:13:15.000 That's them doing things outside of religion. 0.99

00:13:18.000 That doesn't have anything to do with the fucking religion. 0.97

00:13:20.000 That's just people doing charitable things. 0.99

00:13:23.000 That does not make up for kid fucking. 1.00

00:13:25.000 That does not make up for living a life filled with guilt so that they can control you and keeping you down like a little bitch terrified about every fucking thing you do because you're going to burn in hell. 1.00

00:13:35.000 And anybody who's ever been to Catholic school knows that. 1.00

00:13:38.000 I did a year in Catholic school, man.

00:13:40.000 And it was like I did a year in jail.

00:13:42.000 My first grade.

00:13:44.000 First grade, I went to Catholic school.

00:13:45.000 Our Lady of Chestochowa in New Jersey. 1.00

00:13:49.000 And this fucking cunt nun. 1.00

00:13:51.000 Sister Mary Josephine. 1.00

00:13:53.000 I was like a pretty happy kid before this happened.

00:13:57.000 You know, my parents had just broken up and the impact of it hadn't hit me yet.

00:14:03.000 You know, but I was still in denial.

00:14:05.000 You know, but I would see my dad still because we were still in New Jersey.

00:14:08.000 And then, while this was going on, I went to Catholic school for a year, and it was horrifying.

00:14:14.000 It was brutal, dude. 1.00

00:14:16.000 This nun was such a fucking cunt. 1.00

00:14:19.000 Everything, everything you did, she would just be on you. 1.00

00:14:22.000 She would tell you she's going to make you sit on a nail in the closet. 1.00

00:14:26.000 You were going to have to stay overnight. 1.00

00:14:27.000 And she was just this haggard old bitch that nobody loved. 1.00

00:14:31.000 Nobody had fun with her. 1.00

00:14:33.000 Nobody told jokes to her.

00:14:35.000 She never danced. 0.99

00:14:36.000 She supposedly never fucked. 1.00

00:14:39.000 She wasn't allowed to do shit. 1.00

00:14:41.000 She was just the worst representation of an elderly woman possible. 1.00

00:14:46.000 The best would be a woman who's lived a life of joy and she's just super friendly to everybody because she'd feel so blessed.

00:14:52.000 That she made it through this great experience.

00:14:54.000 And she's very wise too.

00:14:54.000 And very wise, yeah.

00:14:56.000 This mean fucking cunt. 1.00

00:14:58.000 She used to hit us. 1.00

00:14:59.000 She really used to hit us. 1.00

00:15:00.000 People think Catholic school teachers don't hit you with rulers. 1.00

00:15:02.000 No, they fucking hit you with rulers. 1.00

00:15:04.000 That's real shit. 1.00

00:15:05.000 They'll smack you in the head. 1.00

00:15:07.000 It was brutal. 0.92

00:15:09.000 Every day was terrifying.

00:15:12.000 But I got awesome grades.

00:15:13.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:15:15.000 Like, right after that, I fell off school hardcore after that.

00:15:18.000 I was in, like, gifted classes and everything the next year after Catholic school, and then I totally stopped trying. 0.99

00:15:24.000 Damn, I was sleeping. 0.98

00:15:26.000 I stayed up all night and just slept. 1.00

00:15:28.000 When you're in a Catholic school, you're so terrified you will push everything you do. 0.99

00:15:32.000 You don't want to have a fucking C. You don't want to have a B. They will yell at you. 0.99

00:15:36.000 Right. 0.99

00:15:37.000 They're monsters, man.

00:15:38.000 I mean, it's just that whole idea as a philosophy is the worst idea possible. 1.00

00:15:45.000 That means you're putting the control of your consciousness, you're putting your trust in the wisdom of someone who lives in a cult of kid fuckers. 1.00

00:15:55.000 Really? 1.00

00:15:55.000 I mean, look at that. 1.00

00:15:56.000 That's what's going on. 1.00

00:15:57.000 A bunch of guys who aren't allowed to fuck women. 1.00

00:16:00.000 Oh, that's real natural. 1.00

00:16:02.000 What?

00:16:02.000 You're not allowed to have sex.

00:16:04.000 They don't even get a better place in heaven.

00:16:07.000 When they go to heaven, they just get regular heaven, just like you, if you listen to them. 0.99

00:16:11.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:16:12.000 It's the dumbest fucking idea ever. 1.00

00:16:15.000 The dumbest fucking idea ever, and we have to pretend, unlike CNN and shit, that this is a real issue of debate. 1.00

00:16:23.000 There's abuse in the Catholic Church, but it's never like, why the fuck do we still have the Catholic Church? 1.00

00:16:29.000 Nobody ever steps in and goes, really? 0.99

00:16:32.000 Really?

00:16:32.000 All this?

00:16:33.000 These fucking guys in their robes, and they fuck kids, and they live in these crazy places together, all men? 1.00

00:16:41.000 Really? 1.00

00:16:42.000 And the nuns are all evil and they all look haggard and beaten down? 0.91

00:16:45.000 Oh, a few of them do some charity work. 0.56

00:16:47.000 They do some good things too.

00:16:49.000 They donate some of the millions of dollars they trick people into giving them.

00:16:53.000 They donate some of that and they do some good things. 1.00

00:16:56.000 But yet you never really hear about this shit in the Amish religion. 1.00

00:17:01.000 Catholicism is one of the worst ever. 1.00

00:17:02.000 If the Catholics were controlling the world, we'd be fucked. 1.00

00:17:05.000 Everybody wants to fight off the Muslims. 1.00

00:17:07.000 At least the Muslims like the other Muslims. 1.00

00:17:09.000 Muslims like each other.

00:17:10.000 Catholics don't even like each other. 1.00

00:17:11.000 They're fucking controlling you with death. 1.00

00:17:14.000 Dude, it's a crazy religion. 1.00

00:17:17.000 I guess Muslims, if you believe in the hardcore jihadists, I guess they do too. 0.99

00:17:23.000 It's pretty similar. 0.91

00:17:25.000 Catholicism, the only thing it has over the Muslims is you don't hear about Catholic suicide bombers as much.

00:17:31.000 It's more rare.

00:17:32.000 I'm sure it's happened, though, right?

00:17:34.000 There's been Catholic suicide bombers, right? 0.97

00:17:35.000 Totally. 1.00

00:17:36.000 But you'll never see a Buddhist cocksucker. 1.00

00:17:38.000 You know, you never... 1.00

00:17:39.000 Yeah.

00:17:39.000 You're never going to be scared to be in, like, a tent in the middle of a woods with a Buddhist guy.

00:17:46.000 You're not going to think he's going to fucking rape you. 0.99

00:17:48.000 You're going to think, like, this guy's going to protect me from wounds and stuff. 1.00

00:17:50.000 But a real Buddhist. 1.00

00:17:51.000 Then people will argue that a real Catholic wouldn't fuck kids, too. 1.00

00:17:55.000 You know? 1.00

00:17:55.000 Which is true. 1.00

00:17:56.000 I don't know about that.

00:17:56.000 I think maybe that's just a former...

00:18:00.000 I don't know.

00:18:02.000 People say, hey, you guys talk about the subject of religion a lot.

00:18:06.000 It comes up a lot.

00:18:08.000 Shouldn't it?

00:18:08.000 Yeah, what's all wars about?

00:18:10.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:18:11.000 Look, it's programming. 1.00

00:18:13.000 And that's really all it is.

00:18:15.000 No one knows any more about what life is all about than you do.

00:18:20.000 I mean, we have wisdom.

00:18:21.000 We've learned things.

00:18:23.000 You know, all of us have had different life experiences that we've benefited from.

00:18:26.000 We try to express these to each other and we can all get a little smarter in the process. 0.97

00:18:30.000 But, you know, the reality is nobody really knows what the fuck is going on. 0.90

00:18:34.000 Nobody knows where this is going. 0.89

00:18:35.000 Nobody has any idea what this is.

00:18:37.000 You know, this itself, if we didn't live this life, this life would be the craziest drug trip ever.

00:18:44.000 Okay?

00:18:45.000 If you had some sort of a logical two-dimensional life, like a binary life, like something you could read out on a piece of paper, if that was life...

00:18:52.000 And that life was introduced to this life right here.

00:18:55.000 You would go, this life is psychedelic.

00:18:58.000 This is insanity.

00:18:59.000 Everything is insane. 0.99

00:19:01.000 And it gets more ridiculous by the minute. 1.00

00:19:03.000 You know, I mean, there'll be fucking CNN headline news and they'll have an episode on, is Kim Kardashian's ass too fat? 1.00

00:19:11.000 I mean, they literally will do that. 1.00

00:19:13.000 I mean, you know, this is where we're at. 0.99

00:19:14.000 This Tiger Woods shit and this Jesse James shit and all this crazy stuff where we're concentrating on It's so fascinating, man. 0.99

00:19:41.000 It's so fascinating. 1.00

00:19:43.000 Isn't it?

00:19:43.000 I mean, we are the weirdest animal ever.

00:19:46.000 If people didn't exist and you made them up, it would be too much. 0.99

00:19:52.000 People would go, this is ridiculous. 1.00

00:19:54.000 They can't be that fucked up. 1.00

00:19:55.000 That fucked up and they figured out nuclear weapons. 1.00

00:19:58.000 That fucked up and they can fly through the air to all parts of the planet. 1.00

00:20:02.000 They're that fucked up. 1.00

00:20:04.000 God damn. 1.00

00:20:05.000 They're really having a conversation with the Pope. 1.00

00:20:09.000 Like, he's a fucking cult leader. 1.00

00:20:11.000 Like, why are you sitting down with that? 1.00

00:20:13.000 This is ridiculous. 0.97

00:20:14.000 And they're like, yeah, well, you have to play along with them. 0.99

00:20:16.000 No, you don't have to play along with them.

00:20:17.000 Because playing along with them is a concession that what they're saying is legitimate.

00:20:21.000 Like, they really represent something meaningful.

00:20:24.000 It's nonsense.

00:20:25.000 The individuals inside that organization, they represent something meaningful.

00:20:29.000 They're individuals.

00:20:29.000 They're just trapped in this web I'm a Catholic.

00:20:35.000 I was born Catholic.

00:20:36.000 I'm gonna die Catholic. 1.00

00:20:37.000 You're a fucking human. 1.00

00:20:39.000 Why are you lumping yourself in voluntarily with this gigantic group of people who believe nonsense? 1.00

00:20:46.000 That doesn't make any sense.

00:20:48.000 And no one's saying that anybody else has the answers.

00:20:51.000 I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong or I have some information you don't have.

00:20:55.000 I don't know anything. 0.93

00:20:56.000 You know, I have my own life that I can tell you honestly what I've learned from my experiences and things that I've read that other people have researched, but what do I really know about what the fuck this is and what's next? 0.86

00:21:07.000 Nothing. 0.55

00:21:08.000 And I know as much as anybody, and you know as much as anybody.

00:21:11.000 There's not a single person who has more of a realistic view of the next phase of existence.

00:21:18.000 Whether it exists at all, no one knows.

00:21:21.000 And it doesn't help pretending you do know. 0.90

00:21:24.000 That's what fucks everybody up. 0.96

00:21:26.000 What fucks everybody up is someone that pretends they do know. 0.99

00:21:29.000 Because then, we, with our fucking monkey instincts, just follow that guy. 0.99

00:21:34.000 And we're like, well, he knows. 0.99

00:21:35.000 He knows.

00:21:35.000 He's so confident.

00:21:36.000 And this guy, of course he's confident.

00:21:38.000 All these people are listening to him. 1.00

00:21:39.000 First of all, he's crazy. 0.99

00:21:40.000 And then all these people are listening to him. 1.00

00:21:41.000 And so the more people listen to him, the more he believes his own bullshit. 0.99

00:21:44.000 And the more he really thinks he is special and ordained and there to give the word of the Lord. 1.00

00:21:48.000 And the more delusional they become.

00:21:50.000 I mean, it's a... 1.00

00:21:51.000 It's a fucking classic Jim Jones pattern. 0.99

00:21:53.000 You know? 0.99

00:21:53.000 I mean, that's what it is. 0.99

00:21:54.000 The idea is completely ridiculous that some guys who don't get pussy have the answers. 0.99

00:22:02.000 Nobody has got the fucking answers, and there should be no ideologies like this. 0.99

00:22:07.000 There should be no predetermined patterns of behavior that are attractive to follow. 0.99

00:22:13.000 Because anything predetermined like that is going to fuck you up.

00:22:17.000 Because it's not going to give you a realistic map of the world. 0.70

00:22:19.000 You live in your map of the world back when people had very little information.

00:22:23.000 When Catholicism was created, the map of the world was there was no internet. 0.90

00:22:27.000 There's no exchange of ideas. 0.99

00:22:29.000 There's no pornography available on your fucking iPhone anywhere you look. 0.99

00:22:33.000 There's so many things that are different about that world than about this world. 1.00

00:22:37.000 And so all their crazy nonsense could be easily disproved if somebody tried to start up that religion today.

00:22:44.000 But it's there. 0.99

00:22:46.000 It's been there forever, so people just fucking stick with it. 0.92

00:22:48.000 It's the weirdest thing ever. 0.99

00:22:51.000 Logically, religion is one of the weirdest things ever.

00:22:54.000 It's so hard to believe it's still around.

00:22:56.000 You really got stopped watching Lost at the wrong time.

00:23:00.000 It's getting religical.

00:23:02.000 Religical? 0.95

00:23:03.000 Yeah.

00:23:04.000 Well, maybe I'll tune in.

00:23:05.000 I still got them on the DVR. I'm confused now.

00:23:09.000 Really?

00:23:09.000 And since you probably know religion a lot more than me, I would really like them to...

00:23:12.000 I do and I don't.

00:23:13.000 I know enough to get annoyed, and then when I start researching it more, it becomes more and more kooky, and then I can't take it anymore.

00:23:21.000 So I only know surface details of all religions.

00:23:24.000 But all I know about all of them is they're all ideologies.

00:23:28.000 Anything like that is dangerous.

00:23:30.000 Anything where you've got older people, where you grow up with these older people that are telling you what you should and shouldn't do.

00:23:37.000 They don't know.

00:23:39.000 At best, we exist really well in small tribes.

00:23:45.000 But I think when people are in small tribes, those small tribes are so important to stay alive.

00:23:50.000 These people have this intense bond of family.

00:23:52.000 And I think what happened with human beings is we went from small tribes to gigantic countries so fast, you know, over the course of just a few thousand years.

00:24:02.000 And I don't think our body...

00:24:05.000 I don't think our body has separated itself from the fact that we really are all connected.

00:24:12.000 I think in the small tribes, when they were looking out for each other all the time, it was really like having a giant family.

00:24:19.000 But we don't feel connected as a country.

00:24:21.000 I don't feel connected with all the Americans. 0.94

00:24:24.000 That seems ridiculous.

00:24:26.000 There's 300 million of us.

00:24:28.000 How can anybody connect to everybody?

00:24:31.000 Back then they could.

00:24:32.000 And that's how we're wired.

00:24:33.000 We're wired for that kind of life.

00:24:35.000 I think that's why so many people are depressed.

00:24:38.000 I think people are depressed because the energy in their life is imbalanced because they don't have enough love And companionship in their life.

00:24:46.000 It's all about love.

00:24:46.000 It's all about you need to just feel love.

00:24:49.000 You don't need negative things.

00:24:51.000 It's like if you were on a plane and you hear a screaming kid right next to you and you're trying to sleep. 0.95

00:24:57.000 Now, it might be different from you because you have kids now, but in the old days, you want to just fucking knock the kid out or something. 0.98

00:25:05.000 It's crazy. 0.95

00:25:06.000 It doesn't bother me at all anymore.

00:25:08.000 I like it.

00:25:08.000 You said it was comforting.

00:25:09.000 Yeah, I like it.

00:25:10.000 I like kids.

00:25:11.000 So what if I started crying?

00:25:12.000 What would happen? 1.00

00:25:13.000 Slap you in the mouth, little faggot. 1.00

00:25:15.000 I'm like a waterfall on your ass. 1.00

00:25:19.000 I went waterfalls on you the other day. 1.00

00:25:24.000 Oh, that's all right, boy.

00:25:26.000 Brian gets bottled up.

00:25:27.000 It's funny, I do.

00:25:28.000 I explode once a year or so. 1.00

00:25:30.000 You know, I can cry in movies and shit, man. 1.00

00:25:33.000 I cried in that Jeff Bridges movie, Crazy Heart. 1.00

00:25:36.000 Oh, really?

00:25:37.000 Oh, I don't want to see that then.

00:25:38.000 I don't want to see a country music crying movie.

00:25:40.000 They got me a couple times.

00:25:42.000 They got me a couple times.

00:25:44.000 Wow.

00:25:44.000 There was one especially because it was about a little kid.

00:25:48.000 Oh, really?

00:25:49.000 A little kid getting lost.

00:25:50.000 I don't want to tell you anymore.

00:25:52.000 I won't say anything.

00:25:53.000 I don't want to give away anything about the movie, but if you haven't seen it, it's a badass movie.

00:25:57.000 I'll rent it on my iPad tomorrow. 0.98

00:25:59.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

00:26:00.000 My man went iPad on me. 1.00

00:26:02.000 Whew. 1.00

00:26:04.000 No one is more of a technology junkie than this motherfucker. 0.99

00:26:08.000 And if you have ever seen his YouTube page, it's Let's Find Jesus, right? 0.99

00:26:13.000 Yeah, YouTube backslash Let's Find Jesus.

00:26:16.000 Or just go to redband.com.

00:26:18.000 Yeah, go to redband.com.

00:26:19.000 They're all up there.

00:26:20.000 If you ever think about getting any kind of a camera or anything...

00:26:23.000 Check out his reviews because he's like the most thorough.

00:26:26.000 He's the biggest tech head I know.

00:26:28.000 I don't know anybody who is more of a junkie of technology than him.

00:26:32.000 And also more knowledgeable.

00:26:34.000 You're always on the ball. 1.00

00:26:36.000 There's so many people giving shit on this iPad. 1.00

00:26:38.000 Well, you are a little bit of an Apple fanboy. 1.00

00:26:40.000 I am an Apple fanboy.

00:26:41.000 Totally.

00:26:42.000 You know why? 1.00

00:26:42.000 That's why they're giving you shit. 1.00

00:26:44.000 It's because you're excited. 1.00

00:26:45.000 They're really hating that you're excited. 1.00

00:26:47.000 You know, it's when, you see, it gets tricky not when you praise an object, but when you start shitting on, like, the Kindle and, fuck, the Kindle's dead! 1.00

00:26:55.000 Fucking Kindle faggots. 1.00

00:26:56.000 And then people defend their Kindle and they get crazy. 1.00

00:26:59.000 I'm not an Apple fanboy.

00:27:01.000 I'm a technology fanboy.

00:27:02.000 I have Sony cameras.

00:27:04.000 I love Sony cameras.

00:27:05.000 I like the company.

00:27:06.000 I like to support something that I believe in.

00:27:08.000 I think they're the best.

00:27:09.000 I love their little portable cameras.

00:27:11.000 With the iPad.

00:27:12.000 But what's crazy is before I was kind of like tricking myself.

00:27:15.000 Like, yeah, I just want to get a netbook.

00:27:16.000 This is better than a netbook.

00:27:17.000 I'm going to support this thing.

00:27:19.000 But then lately, they've been showing all these applications and I'm like, they have Netflix now.

00:27:23.000 So I'm going to teether internet from my cell phone and be able to watch Netflix anywhere I want to throughout the United States.

00:27:31.000 Look at him. 1.00

00:27:32.000 He's losing his goddamn marbles. 1.00

00:27:34.000 I'm tired of people. 1.00

00:27:36.000 I'm just going to live. 1.00

00:27:37.000 I'm living in my fucking technology world. 1.00

00:27:40.000 It's fucking great. 0.99

00:27:41.000 It's so funny because if you were forced to live your life in front of a computer, And then someone allowed you to go outside, you'd be so happy to go outside. 0.98

00:27:49.000 It's because we're forced to live in reality that the computer life seems so much more interesting.

00:27:54.000 It seems more like I'm looking for something.

00:27:59.000 That's why Google is one of my favorite websites, because I'm searching for something.

00:28:02.000 Always.

00:28:03.000 I'm searching for something.

00:28:04.000 That's the best thing about my message board.

00:28:06.000 When I go to that message board every day, I'm looking.

00:28:08.000 What do you got?

00:28:09.000 What's going on?

00:28:09.000 What's happening?

00:28:10.000 What am I looking for?

00:28:10.000 I don't know.

00:28:11.000 I will click links until literally sometimes I'm nodding out at the fucking keyboard. 0.98

00:28:15.000 You ever do that? 0.99

00:28:16.000 Yeah, totally.

00:28:16.000 I'm like nodding out at the keyboard.

00:28:18.000 Usually I'm supposed to be writing and I just start surfing the internet.

00:28:25.000 And then the next thing you know I'm nodding out and I'm like, what am I doing? 0.98

00:28:28.000 What kind of retard am I? I don't even know what I'm looking for. 0.99

00:28:30.000 I just keep checking.

00:28:31.000 I'll be ready to go to bed and then I'll just say, let me go online real quick and see what's going on in the world.

00:28:35.000 And you go to the same websites over and over waiting for that one update almost.

00:28:39.000 You know what, man?

00:28:40.000 It's pretty badass.

00:28:41.000 As a comedian, though, there's never been a better time to be able to promote your gigs.

00:28:45.000 It's so much better than it's ever been before because, you know, you can get information out there and, you know, you can develop like a whole network of your fans, you know, and on your Twitter page and your message board and people get to know you, like the real you.

00:29:00.000 It's not like...

00:29:01.000 In the old days, you would do like an interview, you know, like somebody like Dean Martin or something like that.

00:29:06.000 There was a kid with a bell going, X to X to Joe Rogan at the funny farm!

00:29:10.000 Yeah, I mean, how do you get someone to show?

00:29:12.000 What they know about you is like you would do like the Ed Sullivan show.

00:29:15.000 You know, you go on stage and do like seven minutes.

00:29:17.000 Like, that's all you got, man.

00:29:19.000 Now you could, you know, I was telling Ari, like, Ari, who's a very funny guy, sometimes has a hard time getting gigs on the road.

00:29:26.000 And I was saying, you should put together something, you know, where you do your best bits that you've ever done and throw them up on YouTube.

00:29:34.000 Because he has a lot of bits that he doesn't even do anymore because he's got new bits.

00:29:37.000 And I'm like, but you don't have those old bits, like, in a video. 0.99

00:29:40.000 You should make a video of your shit, man. 0.99

00:29:42.000 You know, and put that on YouTube. 1.00

00:29:44.000 I go, you got really good bits.

00:29:45.000 You know, like the gay bar bit.

00:29:48.000 There's a bunch of bits that he has that are really classic bits that he doesn't do anymore.

00:29:51.000 And I'm like, take those, just throw them up on YouTube, man.

00:29:54.000 And then people will see you and they'll come see you at shows.

00:29:57.000 It's really the best method.

00:29:58.000 It's like, you know, the old method of like, you would do like a Comedy Central show.

00:30:03.000 Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess.

00:30:05.000 Like some of those stand-up sit-downs or, you know, what a premium blend or something like that.

00:30:09.000 There's like seven people in each show.

00:30:12.000 I don't know how many is each show.

00:30:13.000 Is it an hour or half an hour?

00:30:14.000 What is it?

00:30:15.000 How many comics go up in a premium book?

00:30:17.000 An hour, I think.

00:30:18.000 It's like four comics or something like that?

00:30:20.000 People don't remember.

00:30:21.000 Oh, there was that guy.

00:30:22.000 He was kind of funny. 0.99

00:30:22.000 But if they could just go to fucking YouTube anytime they want. 0.99

00:30:25.000 Like, oh, I thought this was funny. 0.99

00:30:26.000 And then you send it to your friend.

00:30:27.000 Dude, listen to this guy.

00:30:28.000 He's hilarious.

00:30:29.000 And then he sends it to his friend.

00:30:30.000 That's what happens.

00:30:31.000 It just gets going.

00:30:31.000 I think iTunes is...

00:30:33.000 It's insane to me.

00:30:34.000 The other day, I was trying to tell my friend this song.

00:30:37.000 I'm like, no, you've got to hear this song. 0.99

00:30:38.000 Damn it. 0.99

00:30:38.000 I'm like, oh yeah, I have an iPhone. 0.99

00:30:40.000 Downloaded it right into my...

00:30:41.000 In a minute, I purchased it, downloaded it, and it was...

00:30:44.000 Bluetooth-ing it to my stereo in my car. 0.99

00:30:46.000 That's fucking nuts. 0.99

00:30:47.000 I was like, this is like a jukebox. 1.00

00:30:49.000 I have the best jukebox ever.

00:30:50.000 It's nuts.

00:30:51.000 It's crazy.

00:30:51.000 Just that idea is crazy.

00:30:53.000 And that shit's going to be in your car. 1.00

00:30:54.000 And it's going to be voice activated. 1.00

00:30:56.000 You're going to be able to press a button and say, go to iTunes, download Rolling Stones, tattoo you.

00:31:03.000 Bam! 1.00

00:31:03.000 And that shit's going to... 1.00

00:31:05.000 Have you seen the demos of the new Photoshop CS5 or 6 or whatever it is? 0.99

00:31:10.000 No.

00:31:10.000 The new feature in it?

00:31:12.000 Dude, it's on your message board.

00:31:13.000 Look under New Photoshop on the main form.

00:31:16.000 But it's smart fixing.

00:31:19.000 So you take a picture, there's a tree, there's a shadow, there's a blare, there's somebody in the way of you.

00:31:25.000 You just circle it and cut it.

00:31:27.000 And what it does, it looks around it and tries to make its own scene.

00:31:31.000 So you're just sitting there like, tree gone, Blair gone.

00:31:34.000 Shadow gone.

00:31:35.000 It does all the hard work that took hours and hours.

00:31:39.000 There's going to be the fakest photos.

00:31:41.000 No photos are going to be real anymore.

00:31:43.000 Wow.

00:31:43.000 Pretty soon, every photo you take, you can zoom in on your face, just cut a wrinkle, and it'll make your skin grow back.

00:31:50.000 You'll find out what your skin texture is.

00:31:52.000 You just see the video demo.

00:31:53.000 It's sweet.

00:31:53.000 It's so crazy.

00:31:54.000 So yeah, photos.

00:31:55.000 Completely gone.

00:31:56.000 We're going to go to the moon 10 times next year.

00:31:59.000 It really is getting very strange.

00:32:06.000 Technology is getting very strange.

00:32:07.000 It really is getting to this weird point.

00:32:10.000 And we've talked about this before.

00:32:11.000 And I've been talking about it on stage lately.

00:32:13.000 It used to be that people, and I wrote about this in my blog, that when they invented something, it was to make their life better.

00:32:20.000 You know, the first caveman Dude.

00:32:42.000 It looks awesome.

00:32:43.000 It looks insane.

00:32:44.000 It looks like the biggest robot rollercoaster ever.

00:32:46.000 It's so crazy.

00:32:47.000 They need to make a movie in there.

00:32:48.000 Dude, it's so crazy.

00:32:50.000 Clock Records 2 in there.

00:32:51.000 Can you imagine that?

00:32:52.000 Just think of the idea behind it.

00:32:54.000 We are going to send atoms around a 27-kilometer circle, a giant machine, to build up speed.

00:33:03.000 They get to, like, just below the speed of light and they slam into each other.

00:33:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:33:07.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:33:09.000 That's awesome. 1.00

00:33:09.000 How is that trickling down to anybody? 1.00

00:33:12.000 I mean, is there anything out of particle physics that trickles down to make life more convenient for people?

00:33:19.000 Anything?

00:33:20.000 I mean, you're talking about the biggest scientific project in history.

00:33:24.000 There's 10,000 different scientists from 100 countries.

00:33:27.000 And it's cost billions and billions of dollars.

00:33:29.000 And I'm not criticizing it.

00:33:31.000 And don't get me wrong, because somebody said something about this, like, how could you attack science?

00:33:35.000 You know, they're trying, they're doing what they're trying.

00:33:37.000 I'm so not criticizing.

00:33:39.000 I am not on one side or the other.

00:33:42.000 And I don't think there's anything wrong with them doing this.

00:33:45.000 I'm just completely fascinated by it.

00:33:47.000 I am so fascinated by the idea that they're trying to recreate the conditions right after the Big Bang and that's what they're looking for and that's why they're doing this.

00:33:57.000 It's probably something weird that it would trickle down to like storage of power, like battery life and stuff.

00:34:02.000 You know what I mean? 0.74

00:34:03.000 It would be something ridiculous like that. 0.98

00:34:04.000 Maybe. 0.75

00:34:05.000 We're figuring out how to save power or energy.

00:34:08.000 I mean maybe because they are making a collision.

00:34:11.000 Yeah.

00:34:11.000 So it might be something weird like that or it could be something gang.

00:34:14.000 It could trickle down, I guess. 0.99

00:34:16.000 I mean, who the fuck is to say? 0.99

00:34:17.000 I'm not that smart. 1.00

00:34:18.000 Yeah.

00:34:19.000 I mean, when things get really wonky is when they really figure out how to crack time. 0.74

00:34:25.000 When they figure out how to travel through time, you know, and there's been like, there's a model that this fucking, this scientist, I think his name was Kurt Gordell. 0.67

00:34:37.000 It was like one of those O's with the double O, what is that called? 0.86

00:34:40.000 Umlaut?

00:34:42.000 Anyway, he was this guy who figured out that you have to take a cylinder half the size of the solar system and spinning it at the speed of light, you have to cross its... 0.90

00:34:54.000 I don't remember exactly what the fuck the formula was for it.

00:34:58.000 But if you did that, if you actually created this thing that was half the size of the solar system, moving it at the speed of light, somehow or another you actually could go back in time. 0.75

00:35:07.000 It is possible. 0.99

00:35:09.000 Like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:35:11.000 What if they figure out something along those lines? 0.99

00:35:14.000 Because the thing about people is we're not going to be satisfied with just a Large Hadron Collider.

00:35:18.000 It's not like they're going to figure this out, they're going to create the Higgs-Boson particle, and they're going to go, well, here, we got it, you know, we did create the God particle, and we know that it's real.

00:35:28.000 No, there's going to be another thing.

00:35:30.000 They're going to try to get crazy.

00:35:32.000 We think we can make a black hole.

00:35:33.000 Well, if you think you can make a black hole, let's not do it.

00:35:36.000 Well, we don't know if we can make a black hole, and we think it'll go away really quickly.

00:35:40.000 Like, what?

00:35:42.000 That's next. 0.99

00:35:43.000 They're fucking with everything. 0.89

00:35:45.000 You know, a thought I like a lot that we talked about recently, I always keep on going back to thinking, is like how, what if all this crazy, because lately I have had a lot of crazy stuff go on in my life, and I was like, what if me and you in the future, like iPhone 50, are changing the past? 0.97

00:36:02.000 You know, like, hey, what do you want this month?

00:36:04.000 You know what I mean?

00:36:05.000 Like, we're creating our own past using technology.

00:36:07.000 Like, Changing time.

00:36:09.000 Remember when we were talking about that?

00:36:10.000 Yeah.

00:36:11.000 Like, how weird would that be?

00:36:12.000 Like, if we could sit there now and go, okay, we can go back to 1989. Oh, you're eating pizza here.

00:36:17.000 Do you want something crazy to happen while you're eating pizza here?

00:36:19.000 Yeah, let's just throw in this crazy, you know.

00:36:22.000 Right.

00:36:23.000 Because, like, lately it just seems like, all right, this is like a, because a lot of the stuff that's happened to me, it seems like, it's so insane that, like, I'm waiting for reality show cameras to come out.

00:36:33.000 Yeah, I don't know, man.

00:36:34.000 You know, I have often thought that there's a path that you're supposed to live in life and that path will sort of illuminate itself to you as you go along the way as long as you pay attention to your instincts.

00:36:46.000 Right.

00:36:46.000 You know, and I think a big part of that path is like your attitude in life and how you view things and how you feel about yourself and how you feel about life.

00:36:56.000 Right.

00:36:56.000 And I think in as much as you can Kind of dictate a lot of that.

00:37:01.000 You can kind of decide how you view the world.

00:37:03.000 You can kind of decide your approach to things.

00:37:06.000 And you can decide it based on your instincts.

00:37:08.000 And I think if you do that, then everything kind of just works out in this great way.

00:37:12.000 It's weird.

00:37:13.000 You know?

00:37:13.000 As long as you're doing the right things.

00:37:15.000 It's like, you have to really be a positive person.

00:37:17.000 You have to really be disciplined so you don't feel like you're slacking off on all the things that you should be working on.

00:37:23.000 And there's like, There's a certain balance.

00:37:25.000 There's a certain guiltiness that you feel when you don't work hard enough at something and that's there for a reason.

00:37:30.000 It's not necessary.

00:37:31.000 You can get that out of your life just by doing what you're supposed to do and it feels better and you don't feel like you're self-defeating in the process.

00:37:37.000 I think there's a path to life, dude.

00:37:41.000 You might think it's being controlled by us in the future using technology?

00:37:45.000 Well, that was our theory, right?

00:37:47.000 I think maybe that is a possibility. 0.99

00:37:50.000 I mean, who the fuck knows? 0.98

00:37:51.000 But I think what's more likely is that every person, sort of as ridiculous as this sounds, that every person sort of fits into a piece in this world. 0.99

00:38:01.000 And that this world, everything about it, from bottled water to fucking space shuttles, that it's all connected. 0.74

00:38:08.000 And that it really is, even though it seems like life, like we think of it as just life, that's what we've labeled it. 0.92

00:38:14.000 Oh, here's life on the world.

00:38:15.000 Here's all these people going about their day.

00:38:17.000 Here's, you know, a boat on the water.

00:38:19.000 We think about it like that.

00:38:21.000 But really, all these things in this life, everything, they all have a value.

00:38:27.000 They all have a position.

00:38:29.000 They all have a purpose.

00:38:30.000 And it really is like what we're living in is we're living in a gigantic mathematical equation.

00:38:37.000 And I think that that's what all human life, animal life, wind and fucking earthquakes and everything, I think it's all a part of this insane mathematical...

00:38:50.000 Equation. 0.57

00:38:51.000 And that chaos in life and earthquakes and meteor impacts, these are all built into this equation.

00:38:57.000 This is how the system works.

00:38:59.000 This is how the system works.

00:39:00.000 It seems like this crazy randomness, this fury of nature and birth and death and sexuality and creativity.

00:39:10.000 Why was my childhood so bad?

00:39:12.000 Why was I raised in a wealthy family and now I'm lazy? 0.99

00:39:16.000 All these different things, they all play like a little part in this giant fucking equation. 0.98

00:39:22.000 It's just so big we can't see it. 0.98

00:39:24.000 And so crazy and alien because it is us.

00:39:27.000 Because it is the world we live in.

00:39:29.000 It's almost impossible for us to really see the big picture.

00:39:33.000 I think that's very possible.

00:39:35.000 Very possibly what we're doing in this world.

00:39:37.000 I think all of us are living a giant mathematical equation.

00:39:41.000 And I think it probably has something to do with technology.

00:39:44.000 I mean, no one treats that like it's a serious possibility because it's a subject of Terminator movies.

00:39:51.000 But if you looked at what's going on, you would see that technology is Increasing at a much faster rate of evolution than human beings. 0.62

00:40:04.000 And if essentially what we're capable of doing as a human being is make calculations and move and make decisions and, you know, and have moral code and a judgment in your mind, I mean, you could fucking program a religion into a computer and it would actually follow it.

00:40:21.000 You could give a computer a personality.

00:40:23.000 You could force a computer to react a certain way to different things. 1.00

00:40:26.000 Then you figure out a way to put a computer so small that you put it in an artificial body that you've created with your fucking computer. 0.93

00:40:34.000 And the next thing you know, you have computers making life and that life is a computer and that computer is living its own version of this mathematical program. 0.94

00:40:43.000 That's just as possible as us being a part of a mathematical program.

00:40:48.000 It's all very possible that we are here to create technology and that our whole society is geared towards creating technology. 0.97

00:40:57.000 The fact that like in China, do you know how fucked up the pollution is in China? 0.99

00:41:03.000 It's insane. 0.98

00:41:04.000 They have this one city, I forget what it is, I think VBS TV did a documentary on it.

00:41:10.000 This one city where it's so bad there that just breathing the air is like smoking three packs of cigarettes a day.

00:41:18.000 It's pretty bad here too, Joe.

00:41:20.000 The other day I was coming, or driving to my house, and you couldn't even see Burbank because of the smog.

00:41:26.000 Yeah, that is bad.

00:41:27.000 And we just breathe it in every day. 1.00

00:41:29.000 It's not bad where you live, but it's pretty fucked up. 1.00

00:41:32.000 It can't be as good for you as clean air. 0.99

00:41:34.000 That's one of the reasons why I wanted to move to Colorado.

00:41:37.000 You know?

00:41:37.000 I wanted to get away from this overpopulation.

00:41:40.000 Austin, Texas.

00:41:41.000 I tell you.

00:41:42.000 Well, everybody says that though, but that's why everybody's moving to Austin, you know?

00:41:45.000 I certainly think that places that have less people are nicer.

00:41:49.000 We were in Charlotte, North Carolina this week for the UFC. And people in Charlotte are so fucking nice. 0.93

00:41:58.000 That's my second place I would move. 0.90

00:41:59.000 South Carolina or North Carolina.

00:42:01.000 Dude, Charlotte, North Carolina. 0.97

00:42:02.000 The people were so fucking cool. 0.90

00:42:04.000 Everybody was friendly. 0.63

00:42:06.000 Everybody was normal.

00:42:07.000 It was a really nice place.

00:42:11.000 People were really nice.

00:42:12.000 Everybody in restaurants and bars.

00:42:15.000 It's like there's less people.

00:42:16.000 People are more down home.

00:42:17.000 They're more friendly.

00:42:19.000 It was a good time.

00:42:21.000 Yeah, this ain't the best way to live.

00:42:23.000 New York is where we were just at.

00:42:25.000 And that was the more interesting thing, because we went from New York to Charlotte, North Carolina.

00:42:29.000 And Charlotte, North Carolina is way better.

00:42:31.000 I mean, New York, yeah, has more restaurants.

00:42:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's more stuff to do.

00:42:35.000 Definitely.

00:42:37.000 There's also more tension.

00:42:38.000 There's also the dealing with the overpopulation, dealing with traffic.

00:42:44.000 It's like everybody's on edge.

00:42:45.000 I don't want to live somewhere where everybody's on edge.

00:42:48.000 Yeah, it makes some people more creative.

00:42:52.000 I think it makes for more interesting people.

00:42:55.000 People on the East Coast are way more interesting to me than people on the West Coast.

00:42:59.000 They're way funnier to me, too.

00:43:00.000 Isn't it weird that the left side of the United States is more dangerous than the right side?

00:43:05.000 But yet the right side has the angrier people than the left side when it comes to the East Coast versus West Coast.

00:43:10.000 Most of the East Coast.

00:43:11.000 The left coast is more dangerous?

00:43:13.000 Like angry people.

00:43:14.000 Like the New York attitudes, the Boston attitudes, the Florida gangsters.

00:43:19.000 East Coast is more aggressive.

00:43:21.000 Yeah, aggressive.

00:43:22.000 But yet that's the safer place to live.

00:43:24.000 But you'd think it'd be nicer people.

00:43:27.000 North Carolina.

00:43:27.000 Why is it a safer place?

00:43:28.000 Because the whole side we live on, you're like... 1.00

00:43:31.000 End of the world shit, like the earthquakes and the volcanoes and the fucking... 1.00

00:43:36.000 Yeah, sorta. 1.00

00:43:37.000 But you know what?

00:43:37.000 They have to deal with snow.

00:43:40.000 Snow's a motherfucker. 0.99

00:43:41.000 So the secrets of snow, too. 0.99

00:43:42.000 Snow makes people a little more hostile.

00:43:45.000 In America, at least.

00:43:46.000 I tried to explain a way that, like, why people are so aggressive in Boston and New York.

00:43:52.000 I always said, well, you gotta deal with that cold weather.

00:43:54.000 It gets you a little more tense.

00:43:55.000 But I think there's more to it than that.

00:43:57.000 It's cold weather and overpopulation together.

00:44:00.000 That's what makes douchey people. 0.97

00:44:03.000 Because in Canada, people are so fucking nice, man. 0.98

00:44:07.000 Well, you know what? 0.99

00:44:08.000 That doesn't make sense either, because even in Toronto, Toronto's a big-ass city, and people are nice as fuck there, too. 0.98

00:44:13.000 Maybe it's too much hydration. 0.96

00:44:16.000 Maybe when your body has too much hydration, you get angry.

00:44:19.000 I don't know what it is, man.

00:44:21.000 Canada is not a country that's living under the shadow of this government that's out there trying to take over the world.

00:44:29.000 That's part of it, too.

00:44:31.000 That doesn't make it up for America in the 50s, though.

00:44:35.000 Or, you know, in the 30s or the 40s.

00:44:37.000 They were pretty aggressive back then, too.

00:44:39.000 And even in the 1800s.

00:44:40.000 You ever see Gangs of New York?

00:44:41.000 What it used to be like?

00:44:43.000 No.

00:44:43.000 Dude, Gangs of New York is an awesome movie.

00:44:45.000 You've never seen that?

00:44:46.000 No.

00:44:46.000 Oh, it's awesome.

00:44:47.000 I get it. 0.79

00:44:48.000 Daniel Day-Lewis is one of those dudes that, like, becomes whoever the fuck he's in that movie. 0.93

00:44:52.000 He's like a different dude when he does these movies, you know? 0.73

00:44:55.000 He's like one of those few guys that really...

00:44:58.000 Russell Crowe can do that. 0.98

00:44:59.000 Gary Oldman can do the shit out of that. 0.94

00:45:02.000 He's one of those dudes that just becomes a different dude when he's in those movies, man. 0.77

00:45:08.000 There's that new Leonardo movie.

00:45:10.000 Did you ever see it?

00:45:11.000 The Shut Stutter Island?

00:45:12.000 Yeah, I didn't like that one.

00:45:13.000 You didn't?

00:45:14.000 No.

00:45:15.000 No, I talked about it.

00:45:16.000 It was really good for like the first hour or so.

00:45:19.000 And then, I don't want to give away any spoilers because some people haven't seen it.

00:45:22.000 You haven't seen it either, have you?

00:45:23.000 I don't want to say anything.

00:45:24.000 Did you ever see the beach with him in it?

00:45:26.000 Or the island?

00:45:27.000 No.

00:45:28.000 That's like the cheesiest movie ever, but I like that movie. 0.99

00:45:30.000 He's a good fucking actor, though. 0.99

00:45:31.000 He's another one. 1.00

00:45:32.000 He gets into things.

00:45:34.000 He's good, you know?

00:45:36.000 Mike Young does him, by the way.

00:45:38.000 Oh yeah, that's what I heard.

00:45:39.000 That's a craft, you know.

00:45:41.000 There's some cheeseheads out there that are not doing anything special, but there's a few like, that's another thing, that movie that I said, Crazy Heart, what's the guy's name?

00:45:51.000 Jeff Bridges?

00:45:51.000 Jeff Bridges, that's another guy.

00:45:53.000 He's the big Lebowski. 1.00

00:45:55.000 I mean, he's just, he's an amazing actor. 0.99

00:45:57.000 He's one of those dudes who just, he gets into that fucking role, man. 0.99

00:46:00.000 He does it. 0.99

00:46:02.000 So, so we should answer some questions or something?

00:46:06.000 Hi everybody.

00:46:07.000 Did you ever see the movie Dream with the Fishes?

00:46:09.000 Dream with the Fishes?

00:46:11.000 No.

00:46:11.000 It has David Arquette in it.

00:46:13.000 Really small budget, low budget movie.

00:46:15.000 But one of the things is, this guy was dying and so he wanted to do his last list of things.

00:46:21.000 And one thing he did is he went naked bowling.

00:46:23.000 He went into his bowling alley in the middle of the night on LSD and went bowling naked with strippers. 0.86

00:46:28.000 Wow.

00:46:29.000 And that scene right there to me is just...

00:46:32.000 Is there any three things that you would say if you knew you were about to die that you would definitely do?

00:46:38.000 Like, all right, everything's off.

00:46:40.000 I'm doing this now.

00:46:41.000 Have you ever thought about that?

00:46:42.000 No.

00:46:43.000 I don't have anything.

00:46:44.000 No?

00:46:44.000 No.

00:46:45.000 Have you ever seen the pyramids?

00:46:46.000 Yes.

00:46:46.000 Yeah, I would like to see the pyramids.

00:46:48.000 But you know what?

00:46:49.000 I could be okay without seeing them.

00:46:51.000 I mean, I've seen so much of it on DVD. I mean, I think, yeah, it would be really nice to go over there and see it live, for sure, definitely.

00:46:58.000 It seems like it would be spiritual.

00:47:00.000 You'd feel like a different vibe in the air or something like that.

00:47:02.000 Yeah, no, I know what you mean, yeah.

00:47:03.000 But I could be okay without seeing that.

00:47:05.000 I mean, I think it's real.

00:47:07.000 I would love...

00:47:08.000 To see a lot of things.

00:47:11.000 I would love to see the Congo, but I don't want to go in there. 1.00

00:47:13.000 It's too scary.

00:47:14.000 When force fields come out, would you go in there? 0.99

00:47:16.000 What if your fucking force field runs out of battery right when a gorilla's making a fucking charge at you? 1.00

00:47:24.000 No, not now, you fuck! 1.00

00:47:25.000 What if personal force fields were like, oh, you got AT&T personal force field? 1.00

00:47:30.000 What, are you fucking crazy? 0.98

00:47:30.000 You're gonna go to the Congo with AT&T personal force field? 0.98

00:47:33.000 Right, yeah.

00:47:34.000 If you don't have Verizon, do not go overseas. 0.99

00:47:36.000 Yeah, that's no shit, right? 0.97

00:47:38.000 It's gonna be like that. 0.96

00:47:39.000 It's gonna be tied to AT&T one day.

00:47:40.000 Dude, you're like Dr. Manhattan.

00:47:42.000 What?

00:47:43.000 Dr. Manhattan.

00:47:44.000 What's that? 1.00

00:47:44.000 From the fucking... 1.00

00:47:45.000 Oh. 1.00

00:47:46.000 What is it?

00:47:47.000 What's that movie?

00:47:48.000 Watchmen?

00:47:49.000 Yes, the Watchmen.

00:47:50.000 Jesus Christ.

00:47:51.000 I was not familiar with that comic book before that movie came out.

00:47:55.000 Either was I. It was good though.

00:47:57.000 Did you know I was on Ellen as Dr. Manhattan?

00:47:59.000 I don't think I ever talked about this.

00:48:01.000 When Twitter first came out, Ellen tweeted like, hey, go to this bus stop if you want to be on the show, but you have to dress up as a superhero. 0.99

00:48:09.000 Hurry! 0.99

00:48:09.000 And I was at the stoplight right next to that bus stop. 0.99

00:48:13.000 So I pull over and I'm fucking like looking through my car trying to find, I had like some laundry in there, I had some clothes and a back pillow and I found all these blue things and I dressed up all in blue and I put this neck pillow on my head and I got in the bus stop and I was on the Ellen Show as Dr. Manhattan.

00:48:32.000 And one of the funniest things though was I took a sleeve of a blue coat and I put through my zipper and I tied it at the end and put some socks in it and stuff like that. 0.98

00:48:41.000 So it looked like I had this big wavy dick and nobody even saw it. 0.98

00:48:45.000 Like they didn't even understand that that's what it was. 0.99

00:48:47.000 But if you watch it knowing that I'm coming out on L and they're like, let's introduce Dr. Mr. Manhattan or whatever.

00:48:53.000 And I'm coming out with this swingy thing.

00:48:55.000 Is there a video of this online?

00:48:56.000 There isn't, but I will put a video.

00:48:59.000 How do you not have that online?

00:49:01.000 I think I do, but it's on my Facebook.

00:49:04.000 Oh my god, how dare you?

00:49:05.000 I'll put it on the masses. 1.00

00:49:07.000 You fucked up. 1.00

00:49:08.000 You should have it right now, son. 1.00

00:49:09.000 I'll put it at redband.com or twitter backslash redband.com redband.com I don't get Joe's philosophy of thinking that seeing the pyramids on TV is the same as real life.

00:49:24.000 Oh man, I don't think it's the same as real life.

00:49:26.000 I'm just saying if there's only a few things I could do before I died, that wouldn't be my choice.

00:49:30.000 I'd be okay without seeing it.

00:49:32.000 I would like to see it.

00:49:33.000 One of the reasons why I haven't done it is because, first of all, I don't have much time.

00:49:37.000 I travel so much for work.

00:49:39.000 I don't really have that much time to travel outside of work.

00:49:42.000 It's not fun for me.

00:49:44.000 It's like I'm traveling...

00:49:45.000 All the time.

00:49:46.000 So an extra trip to Egypt doesn't sound exciting to me.

00:49:49.000 And then the other part about it is that it's not that safe over there.

00:49:53.000 It's tricky. 0.99

00:49:54.000 I don't want to have to sweat shit. 0.99

00:49:57.000 I saw the only ruins I've ever seen were in Mexico. 0.99

00:50:01.000 I saw the Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza, which is pretty humbling, man.

00:50:06.000 And it's really fascinating to stand there And I do agree that there's a big difference between standing there in person and checking these things out than watching a video or seeing it in pictures.

00:50:18.000 Standing there in person was pretty flabbergasting.

00:50:22.000 But all I'm saying is I don't need to go to Egypt.

00:50:25.000 I would like to, yes, but I don't need to.

00:50:27.000 I could be okay without doing it.

00:50:28.000 But I'm not saying that it's the same thing.

00:50:31.000 Certainly not.

00:50:32.000 But you can learn a lot of things about certain places and really experience how amazing and beautiful they are just from DVDs. 0.99

00:50:40.000 You really don't have to fucking... 0.98

00:50:42.000 You don't have to go to the Congo. 1.00

00:50:43.000 The Congo is so fucking dangerous. 1.00

00:50:45.000 Everything there is trying to kill you. 1.00

00:50:48.000 Everything there.

00:50:49.000 They got ants there that kill elephants.

00:50:52.000 What?

00:50:53.000 Did you hear me, son?

00:50:54.000 They got ants that kill elephants. 1.00

00:50:56.000 They climb up the fucking elephant. 1.00

00:50:59.000 Go into his ear and start eating his brain while he's alive. 1.00

00:51:03.000 And they do that in surges. 1.00

00:51:05.000 They have these little monster ants that climb inside and eat their fucking brain. 1.00

00:51:11.000 And they're responsible for way more deaths in Africa than any of the other things. 1.00

00:51:16.000 Ants kill everything, man. 0.98

00:51:18.000 They kill everything. 0.99

00:51:20.000 There's some monster, crazy, scary ants in Africa. 0.99

00:51:25.000 And that's not even... 1.00

00:51:26.000 Fuck all that. 1.00

00:51:27.000 What about the spiders that act as a team? 1.00

00:51:30.000 There's no spiders anywhere in the world that act in packs except the Congo.

00:51:36.000 And they don't even know why. 1.00

00:51:37.000 But fucking deers get trapped in these little tiny spider webs. 1.00

00:51:42.000 Deers get trapped. 1.00

00:51:44.000 These tiny spiders swarm on it like a hundred at once and fuck them up. 1.00

00:51:48.000 They make these giant ass fucking webs. 1.00

00:51:51.000 They realize that they're small, and in order to survive and stay alive, they have to jack bigger shit. 1.00

00:51:57.000 So they fucking teamed up. 1.00

00:51:59.000 They get birds. 1.00

00:52:00.000 They get all kinds of shit. 1.00

00:52:01.000 It's fucking nuts, man. 1.00

00:52:03.000 It is nuts. 1.00

00:52:04.000 And that's just spiders. 1.00

00:52:05.000 What about the fucking snakes? 1.00

00:52:07.000 There's all kinds of fucking snakes in the Congo. 1.00

00:52:09.000 There's a chimpanzee in the Congo that's six feet tall, and they walk upright sometimes. 1.00

00:52:16.000 They're called Bondo apes. 0.93

00:52:17.000 It sounds retarded. 0.99

00:52:18.000 It sounds totally ridiculous because nobody ever tells you about it. 0.97

00:52:21.000 But they have photographs of these things. 0.70

00:52:23.000 They got pictures of a dead one.

00:52:25.000 They have different bone samples.

00:52:28.000 Like they've confirmed this is an actual real animal.

00:52:31.000 It has a crest on its head like a gorilla does.

00:52:34.000 So it's a different animal.

00:52:36.000 It's a different species of chimpanzee.

00:52:38.000 That's much larger, and they call them lion killers.

00:52:41.000 That's what the locals call them. 0.99

00:52:43.000 And they have fucking observed, scientists observed and photographed them eating a dead jaguar. 1.00

00:52:48.000 They don't know if they killed a jaguar, but what the fuck? 1.00

00:52:51.000 They're eating a goddamn jaguar. 1.00

00:52:53.000 That's why Verizon Personal Force Field is important. 1.00

00:52:56.000 Very important.

00:52:58.000 But I would love to see all that.

00:52:59.000 But I don't want to go there.

00:53:01.000 Jesus Christ.

00:53:02.000 Go to the Congo? 1.00

00:53:04.000 Just a mosquito will fuck the rest of your life up. 1.00

00:53:06.000 You ever watch that show, The Enemies Inside Us? 1.00

00:53:09.000 Where people, they always go swimming in Africa like fucking geniuses. 1.00

00:53:13.000 And shit gets in their ear and starts rotting away their brain. 1.00

00:53:16.000 You know, like big giant tumors are growing in their head and it turns to be a mass of worms that they picked up in Africa seven years ago. 1.00

00:53:22.000 Get the fuck out of Africa. 1.00

00:53:24.000 Are you crazy? 1.00

00:53:25.000 Everything's trying to kill you there. 1.00

00:53:26.000 Everything.

00:53:27.000 That's scary, man. 0.99

00:53:29.000 Sounds like a good porno, too. 1.00

00:53:30.000 Enemy inside you. 1.00

00:53:31.000 Yeah.

00:53:32.000 Yeah, it does.

00:53:34.000 That's one of the best things that porno's do.

00:53:36.000 They're really good at that.

00:53:37.000 They're really good at coming up with good names.

00:53:41.000 They're pretty creative when it comes to that. 0.99

00:53:45.000 Alright, what other questions up in this bitch? 1.00

00:53:52.000 Yeah, YouTube that Bondo Apes, man. 1.00

00:53:54.000 That thing will freak you the fuck out.

00:53:55.000 Oh, I Twittered me on Helen, but I could only find it in Torrent right now, but there's links in the Torrent.

00:54:00.000 Oh, really?

00:54:01.000 Yeah.

00:54:01.000 Powerful Torrent.

00:54:06.000 Somebody retweet it for me so it shows up on the YouTube chat.

00:54:14.000 Do-do-do-do...

00:54:20.000 So I want to see that, what is it?

00:54:22.000 Clash of the Titans?

00:54:24.000 Yeah, I want to see that too.

00:54:25.000 That looks like a fun...

00:54:26.000 I heard it got bad reviews though.

00:54:27.000 Really? 1.00

00:54:27.000 Yeah, I heard it was shit. 1.00

00:54:29.000 Well, they probably weren't high. 1.00

00:54:30.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:54:31.000 I've been not smoking weed.

00:54:33.000 I didn't smoke weed for almost a week until recently.

00:54:36.000 Oh, this guy says, are you aware the internet came out of CERN? No, I didn't know that.

00:54:40.000 Those are the people that are working on the Large Hadron Collider. 0.98

00:54:42.000 Wow, I thought the internet came out of Al Gore's butthole. 0.97

00:54:46.000 That wasn't it? 0.99

00:54:47.000 No.

00:54:48.000 How did that even...

00:54:49.000 He never really said...

00:54:50.000 Steve Wozniak started that.

00:54:52.000 Wouldn't that be hilarious?

00:54:53.000 I'm going to start this thing about Al Gore.

00:54:56.000 But he never really said that he invented the internet, right?

00:54:59.000 No, he helped work on the...

00:55:02.000 It became the internet.

00:55:03.000 But it was more like funding, right?

00:55:05.000 He helped push a bill through or something nonsense.

00:55:08.000 It's not like he invented the internet.

00:55:09.000 He might have been the guy pushing for it.

00:55:10.000 Right.

00:55:10.000 He might have said that he was one of the people that helped.

00:55:12.000 Did he ever say?

00:55:13.000 Does anybody know?

00:55:14.000 I don't know.

00:55:14.000 I don't even want to look that up.

00:55:15.000 You know what? 1.00

00:55:15.000 Fuck Al Gore. 1.00

00:55:17.000 I don't give a shit about Al Gore. 1.00

00:55:18.000 When I heard how much money Al Gore's made from climate research, Now I'm like, what? 1.00

00:55:24.000 Al Gore has made an assload of money based on the idea that we are warming the earth with our bullshit. 0.99

00:55:33.000 And we may very well be. 0.99

00:55:35.000 I don't know, man.

00:55:36.000 But I do know that people get nutty about that issue.

00:55:39.000 That's one of those weird issues.

00:55:41.000 Those right-left issues are so strange. 0.99

00:55:44.000 Where people just start spouting out shit and they haven't really done the research yet. 0.99

00:55:49.000 You know, like there's a good video. 0.99

00:55:51.000 The same guy that did this video with Sarah Palin.

00:55:55.000 I don't remember the dude's name.

00:55:56.000 I'm going to find out though.

00:55:57.000 But he did a video where he went to a Sarah Palin book signing and then asked these people, like, you know, what do you feel about, you know, Sarah Palin?

00:56:05.000 What really gets you excited about, you know...

00:56:07.000 About her stance on the issues. 0.99

00:56:09.000 And no one knew a fucking thing. 0.99

00:56:12.000 No one had any idea what, you know, they were just like, she's just like those. 0.99

00:56:17.000 She stands for, you know, down-home values. 0.70

00:56:19.000 And I think she's the best thing going.

00:56:22.000 She's getting back to real people.

00:56:24.000 Like, they're just saying nonsense. 0.99

00:56:25.000 And you realize that people don't have to fucking... 0.99

00:56:28.000 They don't have to, you know, make sense. 0.98

00:56:31.000 They just have to have a bunch of people thinking they make sense.

00:56:33.000 That's all you really need to have.

00:56:34.000 But this guy, he did it with the Tea Party people too. 0.99

00:56:37.000 I don't know fucking dude's name. 1.00

00:56:39.000 But he made this video and it was just genius shit, man. 1.00

00:56:44.000 You know, people just... 0.99

00:56:45.000 Everybody just...

00:56:47.000 They just take a side that their team takes.

00:56:50.000 You know what I mean?

00:56:51.000 And it's like this us versus them nonsense.

00:56:54.000 It's just so crazy when it comes to global warming, when it comes to healthcare.

00:57:00.000 Everyone has a very typical and predictable stance on things.

00:57:10.000 Very rarely do people stray outside the either or ideologies, left or right.

00:57:16.000 I hate when people ask me, a Democrat or Republican, like, what are you talking about?

00:57:21.000 It's a nonsense game. 0.98

00:57:22.000 It's all nonsense. 1.00

00:57:24.000 There's no fucking Democrats and there's no Republicans. 1.00

00:57:27.000 Just stop it. 1.00

00:57:28.000 It's all nonsense.

00:57:29.000 It's been nonsense since the beginning. 1.00

00:57:31.000 It's a bunch of fucking red tape and fucking just complications. 1.00

00:57:39.000 It's a bunch of shit piled up together to control either or. 1.00

00:57:44.000 You know, the idea that there really are Democrats and there really... 1.00

00:57:47.000 I mean, look at what Obama's doing. 0.99

00:57:48.000 He's doing the exact same shit Bush did. 0.99

00:57:50.000 He's doing a little, a few things different socially. 0.99

00:57:53.000 You know, the don't ask, don't tell.

00:57:55.000 But when you win the Nobel Peace Prize, you still send 30,000 more people to a war that nobody wants.

00:58:00.000 I mean, do they really know more than everybody else that we need to be there?

00:58:02.000 Are you going to talk politics on me, man?

00:58:04.000 Dude.

00:58:04.000 It's like talking sports into me.

00:58:05.000 Don't you think that if you just don't...

00:58:07.000 It doesn't...

00:58:08.000 To me, well...

00:58:08.000 I don't think you should spend that much time.

00:58:11.000 Who cares what a bomb it is? 1.00

00:58:12.000 Fuck that, a guy. 1.00

00:58:13.000 Fuck it all. 1.00

00:58:13.000 It's all stupid. 1.00

00:58:14.000 Just negative. 1.00

00:58:15.000 If you really think about how fucked up this whole... 0.96

00:58:18.000 It is, but I mean, do you think that it's, is it possible to do anything about it? 0.94

00:58:22.000 I think if it is, the way you're going to do something about it is not necessarily, it's influencing people with thought and changing these people's opinions before they get into this terrible situation of doing fucked up things that are not benefiting the people.

00:58:35.000 You have to affect them.

00:58:36.000 You have to let them know that they're not going to live forever.

00:58:38.000 I think there's people way better than that than me.

00:58:41.000 So instead of worrying and spending my stress on it, I don't even care.

00:58:44.000 That's a comic though, man.

00:58:45.000 To me, it's just like another crazy reality show that I have to watch.

00:58:49.000 Yeah.

00:58:49.000 You know?

00:58:50.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:58:50.000 It's fucking like... 0.99

00:58:51.000 It's dumb. 1.00

00:58:52.000 They attack each other. 1.00

00:58:54.000 It's so ridiculous. 0.99

00:58:55.000 You can't believe anyone. 1.00

00:58:56.000 It's nonsense. 1.00

00:58:57.000 Everyone's fucking fake. 1.00

00:58:58.000 It's all bullshit. 1.00

00:58:59.000 How crazy is it that Fox News is real? 1.00

00:59:01.000 That that's a real... 1.00

00:59:02.000 I mean, that is like some parody shit. 0.99

00:59:04.000 That's crazy too. 1.00

00:59:05.000 That Fox News is a real show.

00:59:07.000 Fox News is like... 0.99

00:59:08.000 If there was a movie from the 80s with Bill Murray in it, some sort of a parody, that would be the right-wing, rah-rah fucking truth organization. 0.98

00:59:17.000 That would be the network that they would make fun of. 0.96

00:59:21.000 In a parody movie.

00:59:22.000 And that's what's really going on, man. 1.00

00:59:24.000 In a parody movie there would be some really hot blonde chick who was mean as fuck. 1.00

00:59:28.000 You know, like all those hot blonde chicks on Fox News, they all look like they have this mean face. 1.00

00:59:34.000 You know, they're hot as fuck, but they got this, like, they'll fucking yell at you, man. 1.00

00:59:37.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:59:38.000 They'll, when they interrogate dudes on the show, when they, you know, like, give people a hard time on the show, when they cut people off, like, they're like these stern, right-wing, like, Aryan, blue-eyed, hot bitches, you know? 1.00

00:59:51.000 And that's perfect for, like, a Bill Murray movie. 1.00

00:59:54.000 And those chicks would be real horny and somebody would be fucking them and they'd be screaming out Nazi shit or something. 1.00

00:59:58.000 I mean, that would be in the movie. 1.00

01:00:00.000 I mean, they really are.

01:00:01.000 It really is life is like a movie. 0.99

01:00:03.000 Life is as ridiculous as a movie. 0.99

01:00:05.000 More! 1.00

01:00:07.000 Almost unbelievable, right?

01:00:09.000 I mean, when you think about a plot in a movie that is predictable and annoys you, life is way more wacky than that. 0.99

01:00:22.000 The Ted Haggard thing where that guy's the religious guy who gets caught doing gay sex and crystal meth. 0.99

01:00:28.000 The fucking John Edwards thing where he gets busted and his wife is dying and he's out having this baby with this other woman. 1.00

01:00:35.000 All this craziness that goes on with people. 1.00

01:00:38.000 All of it, all together.

01:00:40.000 We are the nuttiest movie of all time. 0.87

01:00:42.000 We're the craziest movie ever. 0.75

01:00:46.000 Don't you think?

01:00:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:49.000 What the fuck is this, folks? 0.99

01:00:50.000 Where is this going? 1.00

01:00:52.000 We're all just living until our bodies shut off and we don't even address it.

01:00:59.000 We don't even stop and really think about it. 0.99

01:01:02.000 On Oprah, everybody wants to tell you how you can better decorate your living room with fucking Feng Shui. 1.00

01:01:09.000 The current consciousness of our culture is not at all Focused on the really big questions. 0.99

01:01:21.000 Like the really freaky fucking questions. 0.97

01:01:23.000 Like the fact that how little we think about space, you know? 0.99

01:01:28.000 The little we think about the fact that at any time some crazy shit can happen and there could be a hypernova in the next galaxy and we'd be wiped out instantly.

01:01:37.000 Like this is all real and random and easily can happen.

01:01:41.000 You know, it's...

01:01:42.000 Is there any money in campfires...

01:01:46.000 Like, making a campfire?

01:01:47.000 No, because you'd be really good at campfires.

01:01:50.000 Somehow, you could, if there was any money in, like, campfires, like, hey, we're going to have a campfire tonight.

01:01:55.000 If you could get any money from that, and you'd go, Joe Rogan's going to be at this campfire.

01:01:59.000 What?

01:02:00.000 Don't you think you'd be, like, the best person to be at a campfire?

01:02:02.000 You'd be a bunch of dudes who'd want to take pictures with me with their fists up. 0.99

01:02:06.000 You'd probably just imagine you with, like, a campfire. 0.98

01:02:09.000 Show up at fucking Coors Light in big coolers, and they'd be like, yo, bro, who's going to beat GSP? Stop ruining this campfire, bro! 0.99

01:02:19.000 Man, we're talking about ancient civilizations, bro. 1.00

01:02:22.000 Oh, fuck those ancient faggots. 1.00

01:02:23.000 You want a beer? 1.00

01:02:24.000 My boy wants to eat worms!

01:02:26.000 My boy wants to eat worms!

01:02:27.000 Let's do shots, bro.

01:02:27.000 Go get worms!

01:02:30.000 Yeah, that's what would happen.

01:02:32.000 You should have campfires.

01:02:33.000 Imagine, instead of comedy nights, you have campfire night, where you're in the middle of a campfire, you all bring your tents and you all hang out and smoke weed and do mushrooms, and you're in the middle, just like doing what you're doing now, or stand-up kind of, but kind of like a mellow-talking campfire guy.

01:02:47.000 That sounds like a great way to get annoyed by hippies. 1.00

01:02:50.000 True. 0.99

01:02:51.000 You're gonna deal with a lot of stinky dudes. 0.69

01:02:52.000 Somebody starts bringing harmonica. 0.97

01:02:54.000 No harmonicas! 0.97

01:02:56.000 There's gonna be a bunch of stinky dudes that need favors. 1.00

01:02:59.000 It's gonna be annoying. 0.93

01:03:01.000 It'll be annoying. 0.76

01:03:02.000 That's the number one problem with marijuana is hippies. 1.00

01:03:05.000 Goddamn some of them are annoying. 1.00

01:03:06.000 Can you imagine the smell of a hacky sack convention? 0.99

01:03:09.000 Yeah, I could.

01:03:12.000 I could, now you brought it up. 0.98

01:03:14.000 Patrulli and happy sex. 0.98

01:03:16.000 Sweats. 0.98

01:03:17.000 Yeah, hippies, you know, the idea behind it is great. 1.00

01:03:21.000 The problem is, a lot of the people that fall into that mode of thinking, they're all fucked up. 1.00

01:03:27.000 You know, and they're lazy too. 1.00

01:03:29.000 That's another problem with hippies. 1.00

01:03:30.000 A lot of them are fucking lazy. 1.00

01:03:32.000 You know, a lot of them are always broke and always want you to help them out. 1.00

01:03:37.000 It's like...

01:03:38.000 It's a drain.

01:03:39.000 Like, if you have hippies for friends, it's like... 1.00

01:03:41.000 Some of them are just constantly asking for favors.

01:03:44.000 And it gets so annoying.

01:03:46.000 It's like you have to cut them off as friends. 1.00

01:03:48.000 You're just always needy, you fuck. 1.00

01:03:50.000 Get your goddamn shit together. 1.00

01:03:53.000 That's like... 1.00

01:03:54.000 How many dudes do you know that are like that?

01:03:56.000 That are always broke?

01:03:57.000 It's like, come on, man. 0.99

01:03:59.000 You gotta get your shit together. 0.98

01:04:01.000 You know, it's a lot better out here, though. 0.99

01:04:02.000 Back in Ohio, it's completely different.

01:04:05.000 It's way more brokesters in Ohio.

01:04:07.000 At least out here, most people that I know are...

01:04:10.000 You know, kind of like have jobs like us where, you know, where it's like comics and people that aren't working 9 to 5. Well, the people that are in your circle.

01:04:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:04:18.000 Yeah.

01:04:19.000 Well, you know what, man?

01:04:21.000 Living a regular life, you know, regular jobs, it's very hard for people to do after a while.

01:04:26.000 Because, you know, we're sold this bill of goods that all you need to be happy is...

01:04:30.000 Find something that pays well.

01:04:33.000 Steady work.

01:04:34.000 Doesn't matter if you don't love it.

01:04:35.000 You still have your free time.

01:04:37.000 You go through it and you move up the ladder and you make more money and you buy a bigger house. 1.00

01:04:42.000 And then you fucking die. 1.00

01:04:44.000 There's no end to that. 1.00

01:04:47.000 And for some idea, for some reason, we're sold that there is.

01:04:52.000 We're sold that we're doing something.

01:04:54.000 We're working hard and eventually it's going to pay off.

01:04:57.000 It doesn't pay off.

01:04:58.000 You just die.

01:05:00.000 Everybody just dies.

01:05:01.000 So you have to enjoy this.

01:05:03.000 This is what you have to enjoy right now.

01:05:05.000 And it's not possible for everybody.

01:05:08.000 There's been a lot of times in your life and in my life that we weren't enjoying things.

01:05:12.000 I wasn't enjoying life.

01:05:15.000 I didn't have good things happening.

01:05:17.000 Let's think about the other day.

01:05:17.000 You used to drive limos.

01:05:18.000 I drove limos.

01:05:19.000 What was that like?

01:05:20.000 Did you ever do anything famous or anyone famous or anyone that was like, wow, Frank Sinatra is in the back of my limo.

01:05:26.000 No, I almost got to drive Stevie Ray Vaughan, but he wouldn't take limos.

01:05:32.000 He would only take a cab.

01:05:33.000 Was that like the worst day for you?

01:05:35.000 You were like, I'm getting drunk tonight.

01:05:36.000 I was like, I probably would have panicked. 0.99

01:05:40.000 I probably would have killed him. 0.97

01:05:41.000 It would have probably been me that killed him and not the helicopter. 0.98

01:05:44.000 I was a huge Stevie Ray Vaughan fan.

01:05:47.000 So if I really got to drive him in a car, I'd probably panic.

01:05:50.000 I was only 19 years old. 1.00

01:05:51.000 I was an idiot. 1.00

01:05:53.000 Maybe I was 20. 20? 1.00

01:05:55.000 I wasn't at home, so yeah.

01:05:56.000 I think I moved out of my parents' house when I was 20. So I think I was 21 when I was doing that.

01:06:02.000 I was watching a driver when we were out of town in New York.

01:06:05.000 I was watching the limbo driver, and he had to sit in his car the whole day.

01:06:09.000 He was having a full-on, with his wife, just having conversations.

01:06:13.000 And I felt bad for these guys, because they're gone for chunks at a time.

01:06:18.000 It's a hard job.

01:06:19.000 You know what's really hard about it is the hours.

01:06:22.000 They want you to work crazy hours.

01:06:23.000 I mean, and the way they would put it to me, though, when I first got the job there, they were saying, you know what, a lot of you guys, you're going to go to school and, you know, you're going to try to make a living and you're going to realize it's a hard job force out there.

01:06:34.000 You know, it's hard to get jobs.

01:06:36.000 You look at Mikey over there.

01:06:37.000 He's been working here for 10 years. 1.00

01:06:39.000 He doesn't bust his ass. 0.99

01:06:41.000 He sits down in a nice car all day and he makes $60,000 a year. 1.00

01:06:45.000 Okay?

01:06:46.000 That's real money.

01:06:47.000 That's what they said to me.

01:06:49.000 And I was sitting there going, oh my god, do you know how many hours that guy works?

01:06:52.000 He doesn't have a life.

01:06:53.000 He gave away his whole life for $60,000 a year. 1.00

01:06:56.000 This fucking guy was literally no bullshit working 16 hours every day. 1.00

01:07:01.000 He was always there. 1.00

01:07:02.000 And I looked at him and I was like, okay, you got tricked, son.

01:07:07.000 You're doing the wrong thing, man. 0.99

01:07:09.000 I gotta get the fuck out of here. 0.88

01:07:11.000 But, you know, that ain't easy, man. 0.94

01:07:13.000 If you got a job, if you're only doing it for a few hours a day, you know, if you're doing it like a regular job, it ain't bad, really.

01:07:18.000 If you have good clients, you know, what are you doing?

01:07:19.000 You're sitting down, you're driving.

01:07:21.000 That's no big deal.

01:07:21.000 But they want you to work crazy hours.

01:07:24.000 I was doing 40 hours a week, and they were mad at me.

01:07:26.000 They wanted me to put in more hours.

01:07:28.000 Like, I'd work eight hours.

01:07:29.000 I would work eight hours, and I would want to go home.

01:07:32.000 And then we're going, 8 hours is nothing.

01:07:33.000 Mikey, there's 12, and he's still waiting for his next cup. 1.00

01:07:36.000 And he'll be like, well, fuck Mikey, and fuck you. 1.00

01:07:38.000 I worked 8 hours. 1.00

01:07:39.000 Get me out of here, stupid. 1.00

01:07:40.000 I don't want any more hours. 1.00

01:07:41.000 I got work to do. 0.94

01:07:42.000 I had a gig at some fucking bar, you know, one of these comedy things, and I had to leave work for the gig. 0.93

01:07:49.000 And when I was there, on the way there, they switched the gigs. 0.95

01:07:53.000 Like, they said, oh, we're going to send you to this one instead.

01:07:56.000 Like, there was like a, I think it was probably Boston Comedy at the time.

01:07:59.000 There was like a booking agency.

01:08:01.000 And they had a bunch of these little gigs, you know, like in weird little places.

01:08:04.000 You'd drive like an hour and a half, and it was like a little sports bar, and they'd have a little stage, and you would go on stage.

01:08:09.000 And sometimes they would switch you, like say, hey, this guy's going to go with him because he doesn't have a car, so why don't you go to this place instead?

01:08:14.000 So that's what I did. 0.98

01:08:15.000 And so this asshole called up the fucking bar where I was supposed to be, because he asked me, like, you're leaving now? 1.00

01:08:21.000 I'm like, I got a gig. 1.00

01:08:23.000 So he calls up the fucking bar. 1.00

01:08:25.000 And then the next day he says, you lying motherfucker. 1.00

01:08:28.000 You told me you were working. 1.00

01:08:30.000 Dude, I worked eight hours.

01:08:32.000 And yeah, I had to tell him the whole story to keep my job.

01:08:35.000 And he had to call this bar.

01:08:36.000 After working eight hours. 0.98

01:08:39.000 Ridiculous. 0.87

01:08:39.000 I used to wash windows with me and this girl. 0.87

01:08:41.000 And it was the worst.

01:08:42.000 This little girl would hold the ladder and I would have to climb like four stories up. 0.90

01:08:47.000 While stoned out of my mind and trying to clean windows like bending over and stuff.

01:08:51.000 Why were you doing that stoned?

01:08:52.000 Because it was like $12 an hour.

01:08:53.000 And in Ohio, $12 an hour is amazing.

01:08:56.000 Why were you doing it stoned?

01:08:57.000 Huh?

01:08:58.000 Why were you doing that stoned?

01:08:58.000 Because we're washing windows, dude.

01:09:01.000 I mean, what else are you going to do?

01:09:02.000 Like wash windows and be sober? 0.99

01:09:04.000 Well, I would think if you got way the fuck up there on a ladder like that, god damn, that'd be terrifying. 0.99

01:09:09.000 Yeah, but sometimes you just go to a house and you go, oh fuck, why did I get stoned? 0.99

01:09:12.000 You look at the house and you're like, oh no. 0.99

01:09:15.000 Anyways, my boss, this old lady, said that me or the girl, who was my girlfriend at the time, but we worked together, stole something from her house.

01:09:25.000 And we got fired.

01:09:26.000 The boss was yelling and screaming at us and wasn't even going to pay us any paycheck and stuff.

01:09:31.000 Then a week later, he called us back and goes, oh, by the way, she found what she was looking for and she apologizes.

01:09:37.000 And I'm like, well, yeah, me and this girl are fired. 0.89

01:09:40.000 Yeah, that's ridiculous. 1.00

01:09:42.000 Fucking dick ass. 1.00

01:09:43.000 Do you remember what it's like to have a boss? 1.00

01:09:46.000 Like, have bosses?

01:09:47.000 Oh, most of my life.

01:09:48.000 Oh my god.

01:09:49.000 The worst is waiting tables, too. 1.00

01:09:51.000 They treat you like shit. 1.00

01:09:52.000 The idea that someone who is above you in a work organization that gets to treat you like shit, that is one of the worst feelings in the world. 1.00

01:09:59.000 I did construction. 0.98

01:10:00.000 Most of the time I did construction, I did it under nice guys.

01:10:04.000 I never had any real bad bosses.

01:10:06.000 But I did have one bad boss as a landscaper. 1.00

01:10:08.000 A guy was an asshole. 1.00

01:10:10.000 Just an asshole. 1.00

01:10:12.000 Just not friendly. 1.00

01:10:13.000 Not nice.

01:10:15.000 Wanted you to always work harder.

01:10:17.000 Never had a smile.

01:10:18.000 Never appreciated your work.

01:10:20.000 Would give your money at the end of the week.

01:10:21.000 Would look like you didn't even deserve this. 1.00

01:10:23.000 I'm like, you motherfucker. 1.00

01:10:24.000 I worked for you all week, you cunt. 1.00

01:10:27.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

01:10:27.000 I worked all week, all day, all week, exhausted at the end of every day, just so tired, pushing a lawnmower in the hot sun and digging holes for people and doing whatever the fuck they want you to do. 1.00

01:10:38.000 It's labor, you know? 1.00

01:10:40.000 And this motherfucker didn't give a shit. 1.00

01:10:41.000 Like, I couldn't imagine that. 1.00

01:10:44.000 I couldn't imagine having someone work for me and having them do all this stuff and then treating them like shit. 1.00

01:10:49.000 Like, you know, you don't even fucking deserve this. 1.00

01:10:52.000 Like, really? 1.00

01:10:54.000 Like, what kind of a fucking human being, you know, makes someone work hard and doesn't appreciate that, you know? 1.00

01:10:59.000 That's terrible. 0.99

01:11:00.000 And it sets you up in life to start thinking of work like that, you know?

01:11:04.000 So you never think you're going to do anything with your time that's going to be actually fun.

01:11:08.000 You don't think it's even possible, you know?

01:11:12.000 I washed dishes.

01:11:14.000 Oh, that was the worst.

01:11:15.000 It was pretty bad, but I moved up to the grill, and the grill was way worse for my acne. 1.00

01:11:19.000 So I would do fucking cheeseburgers, and I was a lazy fucking kid. 0.99

01:11:24.000 I didn't wash my face. 0.99

01:11:25.000 And I was like a teenager, so I was getting all these zits anyway. 0.99

01:11:28.000 And just my whole face was just a zit fucking festival. 0.99

01:11:32.000 I had to stop working there. 0.99

01:11:34.000 I moved up to Papageno's.

01:11:36.000 Did a little Papageno's for a while.

01:11:38.000 And then I started getting real jobs.

01:11:39.000 Then I started teaching martial arts.

01:11:41.000 You know what the best job was?

01:11:42.000 I was a projectionist for like eight years.

01:11:44.000 I mean the managers of movie theaters and stuff like that.

01:11:46.000 But working in the movie theater industry is so fun.

01:11:48.000 Especially when I was a projectionist.

01:11:50.000 My job is like, you know, thread the movie.

01:11:52.000 It's almost like an art.

01:11:53.000 Just like threading this film through this machine.

01:11:56.000 That's perfect for you too. 1.00

01:11:57.000 You're into that crazy shit. 1.00

01:11:58.000 You start the movie, you can sit there and watch it with headphones on. 1.00

01:12:01.000 Or I just like go out back, smoke weed.

01:12:03.000 You know, it was just like that was my job.

01:12:05.000 It was so crazy.

01:12:06.000 One of the coolest times ever after a show once, back at the old Laugh Stop in Houston, this was right when the Blair Witch Project came out, and these kids came to the show, and then after they came to the show, we all went out and we watched Blair Witch at the theater.

01:12:20.000 It was really late at night, because the show at the Laugh Stop was like, 11 o'clock at night and it went on to like 1.30.

01:12:28.000 So it was like 2 o'clock in the morning by the time we get out and these kids opened up the theater and turned it on and did everything just for us. 0.96

01:12:34.000 So it was like me and them and you know my friend Chris McGuire and like one other guy from the comedy club and we all watched Blair Witch and this fucking movie theater. 0.84

01:12:42.000 Nowadays they fucking hook xboxes up to it and it's all digitally projected.

01:12:47.000 My friend Wagner's like anytime you want to come like they do it on the IMAX screen at uh Universal? 0.98

01:12:52.000 Make us fucking sit there and play Xbox on IMAX. Dude. 0.93

01:12:56.000 Perfect HD. My head might explode.

01:12:58.000 Can you imagine that?

01:12:59.000 Quake? 1.00

01:12:59.000 My fucking head might explode. 1.00

01:13:02.000 I can't do it. 1.00

01:13:03.000 I'm scared of Quake, dude.

01:13:04.000 To this day.

01:13:05.000 I thought about playing it the other day.

01:13:06.000 I got scared.

01:13:08.000 By the way, dude, your DVD's out, too.

01:13:09.000 You should plug that.

01:13:11.000 And my short movie's on there, Talking Monkeys and Columbus.

01:13:14.000 Yeah.

01:13:15.000 And it's pretty cool.

01:13:16.000 Watch it.

01:13:17.000 Yeah, the DVD's out.

01:13:18.000 So if you saw the special on TV, it's that, and there's a lot of, it's uncensored, and there's a lot of Q&A footage.

01:13:25.000 There's like 45 minutes or something like that.

01:13:27.000 Yeah, there's a lot.

01:13:27.000 It's like, I don't remember how many minutes it is, but it's a lot of Q&A. And I do that at most of the shows.

01:13:33.000 I just, I always feel like it makes it more fun.

01:13:36.000 You know, like, it's one thing to have like a normal comedy show.

01:13:39.000 And I know you want that too. 0.98

01:13:42.000 But I think it's also fun to just shoot the shit together and me make fun of things with a microphone. 0.98

01:13:48.000 And so at the end of the show, I always have that kind of Q&A type thing. 0.98

01:13:52.000 Except it's almost becoming bits because everyone asks the same questions.

01:13:55.000 And that kind of sucks because if you see you twice and you're getting the same questions, then it's like, what?

01:13:58.000 There's the same questions?

01:13:59.000 Some things have to be answered the same way.

01:14:01.000 Like the DMT thing.

01:14:03.000 There's no other way to answer it.

01:14:04.000 When I try to explain that, there's no other way to explain it.

01:14:06.000 I have to explain it the best way I can explain it.

01:14:09.000 And that's that.

01:14:10.000 And it's going to sound the same way every time.

01:14:11.000 The only way it's funny is if I do it like that anyway.

01:14:14.000 It is a bit.

01:14:14.000 You know what I'm going to do about that?

01:14:16.000 I'm going to put that on my next comedy special, that description of it, so that way nobody ever asks me again.

01:14:22.000 Because they know what it is.

01:14:23.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:14:25.000 It's like, you're not going to yell out DMT and I'll just say, go to iTunes, bitch. 1.00

01:14:29.000 You know? 0.98

01:14:31.000 At a certain point in time, it's like I can't keep talking about the same things over and over again.

01:14:35.000 And that's one of them that's been...

01:14:36.000 Ever since I've done conversations about it on Jim Brewer's show.

01:14:40.000 I hate the fight about who's going to win versus who.

01:14:43.000 People don't get that.

01:14:45.000 You've said that a million times.

01:14:46.000 Don't ask, what do you think about this fight and this fight?

01:14:49.000 Who's going to win?

01:14:51.000 I know people like to talk about fights.

01:14:53.000 They just like to talk about it.

01:14:54.000 That's like baseball to me.

01:14:55.000 People like baseball.

01:14:56.000 Well, there's a certain amount of people that just like that.

01:14:59.000 They just like to talk about it.

01:15:00.000 I appreciate the fact that You know, they like me as a commentator and they want to know my take on things, you know, and I understand that.

01:15:08.000 But, you know, I can't.

01:15:09.000 First of all, I wouldn't give a prediction. 0.89

01:15:12.000 The only time I'd ever give a prediction is if something's ridiculous.

01:15:15.000 You know, like, you know, Fedor's going to fight my mom. 1.00

01:15:18.000 I'm going to say, oh, my mom's fucked. 1.00

01:15:20.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:15:21.000 Right, right, right.

01:15:21.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:15:22.000 But unless it's like that, I don't give predictions.

01:15:25.000 And those fights don't occur in the UFC. The UFC fights, 99% of them, I'm like...

01:15:29.000 Hmm. 0.97

01:15:30.000 I'm like, what the fuck is going to happen here with this? 0.98

01:15:33.000 I can see a lot of scenarios taking place. 0.97

01:15:35.000 And neither one of them is definite, for sure.

01:15:38.000 So I would never say, this guy's going to do this.

01:15:41.000 And when I hear guys, especially guys that have never fought in anything before, they're just sports broadcaster type dudes, and they're talking shit about fighters, and like, this guy doesn't belong in there with them, and it's going to be...

01:15:52.000 You know, easy work for that guy and, you know, I look for him to knock him out in the first round. 0.86

01:15:56.000 Like, what are you talking about? 0.94

01:15:57.000 You're just making some crazy prediction about what the fuck is going to happen in a fight between two skilled men that are more than capable of smashing each other. 0.99

01:16:05.000 You zig when you should have zagged. 0.99

01:16:07.000 BAM! Somebody cracks one, the knees give out, and you got a flashlight in your face when you wake up.

01:16:11.000 That shit is normal. 1.00

01:16:13.000 That's par for the course. 1.00

01:16:14.000 That happens all the time.

01:16:16.000 I mean, people who never thought they were going to get knocked out, get knocked out.

01:16:20.000 It happens all the time.

01:16:21.000 People get submitted when they were winning easily.

01:16:24.000 You know, guys who no one ever thought would get submitted.

01:16:27.000 That dude in the WEC recently got submitted.

01:16:30.000 Karen Darabedian, I think his name is. 0.99

01:16:33.000 Badass fucking grappler. 1.00

01:16:34.000 And he fucked up. 1.00

01:16:35.000 He left an arm in there and this dude took his arm bar. 1.00

01:16:37.000 You can't predict shit. 0.98

01:16:38.000 There was a power outage at the last UFC, right? 0.99

01:16:40.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:16:40.000 How long did...

01:16:41.000 Was it off, on?

01:16:42.000 Or was it a...

01:16:43.000 I tweeted that Ariane plugged her vibrator in backstage and it crushed the circuit breaker. 1.00

01:16:48.000 You see the power adapter of it? 0.98

01:16:50.000 But she tweeted then that it was actually my butt plug, my vibrating butt plug. 1.00

01:16:54.000 I thought your shit was solar power. 1.00

01:16:56.000 She made me feel really bad about that. 0.99

01:16:58.000 But yeah, it was right before Roy Nelson fought Stefan Struve, right before they went into the fight, the power went out.

01:17:04.000 That's never happened before.

01:17:05.000 It was totally a first.

01:17:06.000 Did you see Ariane has her own shirt that they sell at UFCs now? 0.99

01:17:09.000 Oh, that's awesome.

01:17:10.000 It's just her.

01:17:11.000 I'm going to...

01:17:11.000 Get one of them.

01:17:12.000 You should.

01:17:12.000 You should wear it.

01:17:14.000 That's right.

01:17:14.000 Put it on backwards.

01:17:16.000 You know what I'm talking about?

01:17:16.000 Yeah.

01:17:18.000 I don't know what you're talking about.

01:17:19.000 No, if you put it on backwards, then her face and skin will be touching you. 0.99

01:17:22.000 Oh, yeah.

01:17:22.000 Oh, nice.

01:17:23.000 Like she's hugging you.

01:17:24.000 Yeah.

01:17:24.000 And then you put on some Barry White.

01:17:26.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:17:27.000 You will never find... 1.00

01:17:28.000 Oh, that's...

01:17:28.000 Who is not Barry White?

01:17:29.000 Who is that?

01:17:30.000 Chef from South Park.

01:17:32.000 You gotta see this.

01:17:33.000 What is South Park, dude?

01:17:34.000 It's about medical marijuana.

01:17:35.000 I know, man.

01:17:35.000 I have to see so many of them.

01:17:37.000 I have a bunch of them saved up on the DVR. South Park is the best ever.

01:17:40.000 No show has been consistently funny for this long as South Park.

01:17:44.000 That's the greatest show in the history of the world.

01:17:46.000 They're the meanest when they go after somebody. 0.99

01:17:49.000 They're the funniest, the most fucked up. 1.00

01:17:52.000 There's no show that's even close to as fucked up. 1.00

01:17:54.000 That show that they did where Paris Hilton had the whore off with the gay dude and he stuffed Paris Hilton up his ass like, oh my god. 1.00

01:18:01.000 Jesus Christ, that was good. 1.00

01:18:03.000 Yeah.

01:18:04.000 They're just so funny. 0.92

01:18:06.000 They'll take you a place and you're like, there's no way they're going to go, I can't fucking believe you did that! 0.88

01:18:12.000 They just do it consistently over and over and over again.

01:18:15.000 It's the number one show for me, guaranteed, I'm going to love it.

01:18:20.000 Yeah.

01:18:22.000 I want to hang with Trey Parker so bad. 1.00

01:18:24.000 Yeah, maybe he will try to fuck you or something. 1.00

01:18:26.000 No. 1.00

01:18:27.000 No.

01:18:30.000 I don't know, man.

01:18:32.000 I think he's probably one of the funniest guys ever as far as creativity.

01:18:38.000 I don't think anybody has ever put out as much stuff as prolific as he is.

01:18:44.000 No one has ever put out as much funny stuff as that guy.

01:18:47.000 And the other guy too.

01:18:48.000 I don't know.

01:18:49.000 I mean, I don't know who's writing it.

01:18:49.000 You've seen Cannibal the Musical.

01:18:51.000 Who writes it?

01:18:52.000 Who's writing it?

01:18:52.000 Trey does.

01:18:53.000 He writes everything.

01:18:54.000 He writes everything.

01:18:55.000 I think he just helps once in a while, but it's mostly...

01:18:58.000 Are you sure Matt doesn't write it at all?

01:18:59.000 We don't want to give him credit.

01:19:01.000 No, no, no.

01:19:01.000 From what I understand, that Trey just locks himself in his office and just mad writer, and he's always changing stuff, and...

01:19:07.000 There's no show that's been like that.

01:19:09.000 I mean, think about what they're doing.

01:19:10.000 They have these little corny-looking animated dudes that they're, you know, they're really, really, really crude.

01:19:16.000 You know, the images are so crude.

01:19:18.000 And it's really easy to do, you know, as far as, like, that kind of stuff is. 0.99

01:19:22.000 And then they consistently go after more shit. 0.99

01:19:27.000 Trevor... 1.00

01:19:27.000 I'm sorry. 1.00

01:19:28.000 What's that?

01:19:28.000 I was going to answer something real quick.

01:19:30.000 Trevor, they don't have a team of writers.

01:19:32.000 Sorry.

01:19:33.000 This guy says they have a team of writers.

01:19:34.000 But he knows the people that work there.

01:19:37.000 He's actually been there before.

01:19:38.000 I think they had a team of writers at one point for a season or something.

01:19:42.000 Or help.

01:19:43.000 Writer help.

01:19:44.000 But from my understanding now, it's really just Trey.

01:19:48.000 Yeah, everybody says this week's episode, groovy, girly.

01:19:51.000 Everybody says that it's the greatest episode ever.

01:19:53.000 I have to check it out. 0.93

01:19:54.000 It's pretty ridiculous. 0.97

01:19:55.000 There's one part about it. 0.92

01:19:56.000 They're so good, man.

01:19:57.000 They're so good.

01:19:58.000 It's humbling.

01:19:58.000 It's humbling how much that guy's put out.

01:20:00.000 You think about the stuff that you've done, like how productive you've been over your life, and you see what that guy's done.

01:20:06.000 I'm like, Jesus Christ.

01:20:07.000 I just wish that Team America 2 would happen.

01:20:09.000 He hates it.

01:20:10.000 I know.

01:20:11.000 It was the hardest movie ever for everybody. 0.99

01:20:13.000 God damn, that was a good one. 0.99

01:20:14.000 I think that's top five. 0.99

01:20:15.000 Maybe the first one.

01:20:17.000 There was no movie ever The first time I saw it made me laugh that hard.

01:20:22.000 No movie.

01:20:22.000 No movie even came close.

01:20:25.000 The second time it wasn't as funny to me, but the third time...

01:20:28.000 The third time was just as good as the second time.

01:20:32.000 I just saw it the other day and it was maybe funnier than the first time I saw it because I forgot how funny it was.

01:20:37.000 Maybe I saw it too close to each other.

01:20:39.000 A lot of it was shocking.

01:20:40.000 It's like seeing Borat twice.

01:20:42.000 We saw Borat once and then again five years later.

01:20:45.000 I tried to do that.

01:20:45.000 I didn't enjoy it.

01:20:46.000 I didn't enjoy it the second time, but I loved it so much the first time.

01:20:50.000 There's certain things that you can't see twice, but certain things you can see over and over and over again.

01:20:55.000 Comedy is a very funny thing like that.

01:20:57.000 Why is really bad stuff like Roadhouse or Showgirls or something like that?

01:21:03.000 The more you see it, the funnier it is.

01:21:06.000 You can see it a bunch of times and it gets funnier. 0.80

01:21:08.000 Because you start knowing the script of it and you want to There's some movies that are so ridiculous that it's just going... 0.84

01:21:17.000 Oh, this one right here. 0.66

01:21:18.000 Howard the Duck.

01:21:19.000 Oh, Ducky. 0.98

01:21:20.000 That movie.

01:21:21.000 What is it called?

01:21:22.000 The Room.

01:21:23.000 Adventures in Babysitting.

01:21:24.000 Nobody needs this playoff scene.

01:21:28.000 This was recommended to me.

01:21:30.000 I think we've talked about this before, did we?

01:21:31.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:21:32.000 If you want a bad movie, go get this.

01:21:34.000 The Room. 0.99

01:21:34.000 It's fucking genius. 0.99

01:21:36.000 Don't watch it by yourself. 1.00

01:21:37.000 It's not as fun.

01:21:38.000 But if you watch it with some friends that are funny...

01:21:40.000 It's a genius, geniusly bad movie.

01:21:42.000 Apparently they have screenings in Hollywood, and they play that movie, and people get there and they quote the words, because everyone knows the words, and it's like a sort of Rocky Horror Picture thing.

01:21:52.000 It's that bad.

01:21:54.000 You want to borrow it?

01:21:55.000 Yeah.

01:21:56.000 Well, I could just make a copy. 0.99

01:21:57.000 What the fuck? 0.98

01:21:58.000 Can I just look at it on my computer real quick? 1.00

01:22:00.000 That's illegal.

01:22:00.000 Let me just look at it on my computer real quick.

01:22:02.000 Alrighty.

01:22:03.000 I just want to observe...

01:22:05.000 No, let's not even do this online.

01:22:07.000 I don't even want people to get the wrong impression here.

01:22:10.000 Everyone likes Fight Club?

01:22:11.000 You know what, man?

01:22:12.000 I'll tell you what.

01:22:12.000 I didn't like Fight Club.

01:22:14.000 I liked it for a while, and then when I found out that the two dudes were actually one dude, I was like, what? 1.00

01:22:20.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:22:21.000 And I didn't like it anymore. 1.00

01:22:23.000 So I liked it up until the end.

01:22:24.000 That movie rules, dude.

01:22:26.000 I didn't like it after I found out that there were supposed to be two dudes.

01:22:29.000 Why?

01:22:29.000 Because he's punching himself in the face.

01:22:31.000 Have you ever seen Memento?

01:22:33.000 Yes, that was way more believable. 0.99

01:22:35.000 The problem is you're seeing a bunch of shit in this movie that didn't really happen. 0.93

01:22:38.000 But it's still like the style of it, the visuals. 0.99

01:22:41.000 But it's a shitty plot device, yes. 0.95

01:22:43.000 It's a shitty plot device. 0.90

01:22:45.000 Sometimes the ending to me is like, yeah, that sucks because it's not what I want it to be.

01:22:48.000 But everything else along the way was so amazing that you can't...

01:22:51.000 It required a suspension of disbelief that I wasn't willing to give it.

01:22:54.000 When all of a sudden you're telling me that everything I saw was just his imagination. 0.99

01:22:58.000 So this entire movie, what was real out of this fucking movie? 0.98

01:23:01.000 Because in the movie I saw, there was two different people. 0.99

01:23:04.000 And if one part of it was absolutely a figment of his imagination, what about the rest of it?

01:23:09.000 How do I know what I'm watching anymore?

01:23:11.000 Now I'm watching nonsense. 0.91

01:23:13.000 Now you have this shitty plot device where you can say, oh, it was just a dream. 0.99

01:23:17.000 Oh, he's gone crazy. 0.87

01:23:19.000 This is what's really happening. 0.82

01:23:20.000 He's hitting himself.

01:23:21.000 I'm like, what?

01:23:22.000 So what has really happened?

01:23:23.000 This guy's just been sitting around hitting himself?

01:23:25.000 There's been no real fighting?

01:23:26.000 What's really gone on?

01:23:27.000 I think you just don't like seeing Brad Pitt get hurt, dude.

01:23:30.000 This is part of me.

01:23:31.000 Leave him alone! 1.00

01:23:33.000 Leave him alone! 1.00

01:23:35.000 Yeah, that's another funny part about that movie. 0.99

01:23:37.000 You know, everybody's liking, enjoying getting the fuck beat out of them. 0.99

01:23:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:23:42.000 That's crazy.

01:23:43.000 I love it.

01:23:43.000 I would hope that that's not the case in real life.

01:23:46.000 I hope there's not really...

01:23:47.000 Oh, there's totally real fight clubs like that.

01:23:48.000 Like those old videos we used to see about the fights in the yards.

01:23:52.000 What are they called?

01:23:53.000 Where they're like gang fights almost over in Russia.

01:23:56.000 The Russian gang fights.

01:23:57.000 That's the same...

01:23:58.000 That's a fight club.

01:23:59.000 That's the exact same thing.

01:24:00.000 Well, that's like a gang war.

01:24:02.000 Yeah, YouTube Russian...

01:24:04.000 Fights.

01:24:05.000 Russian soccer thug fight.

01:24:07.000 Yeah, soccer fights. 0.97

01:24:08.000 They beat the fuck out of each other.

01:24:10.000 We've talked about that on here before. 1.00

01:24:12.000 Yeah, those guys are nuts. 1.00

01:24:13.000 Russians, they're a different breed, son. 1.00

01:24:16.000 That's a hardy race.

01:24:17.000 I'm addicted to those videos.

01:24:19.000 Those Russians, they love the brawl, son. 1.00

01:24:22.000 I'm a fan of Norm MacDonald.

01:24:24.000 Huge fan.

01:24:24.000 Norm MacDonald's one of my favorite comedians.

01:24:26.000 He's fucking hilarious. 0.93

01:24:28.000 Norm MacDonald is a very unique dude. 0.99

01:24:31.000 There's something really just funny about him.

01:24:35.000 I'd love to go canoeing with him.

01:24:36.000 I'd love to talk to him about anything.

01:24:38.000 He's one of those dudes you just want to talk to.

01:24:40.000 I wanted Fight Club to be a buddy film. 1.00

01:24:42.000 Hey, fuck you, man! 1.00

01:24:44.000 Fuck you, Hector... 1.00

01:24:46.000 Wow, you got some crazy shit going on with your name. 1.00

01:24:50.000 Dangus Esquire. 1.00

01:24:53.000 Wow, I like your avatar though.

01:24:54.000 That's pretty dope.

01:24:55.000 Blinking third eye.

01:24:57.000 You crafty internet hacker you.

01:25:01.000 Have I seen Donnie Darko?

01:25:02.000 Yeah, I liked that a lot.

01:25:03.000 I thought that was an interesting movie.

01:25:04.000 You did like it?

01:25:05.000 Yeah.

01:25:06.000 It was pretty interesting, man.

01:25:07.000 Donnie Darko.

01:25:08.000 And don't get me wrong.

01:25:09.000 I love Fight...

01:25:09.000 I mean, if I had to see Fight Club again, I would watch it up until the moment.

01:25:13.000 I would watch it up until the moment where you find out there's two people and then I shut it off.

01:25:17.000 Because I liked it up until then.

01:25:19.000 You know, just...

01:25:19.000 I don't like...

01:25:20.000 That's what I didn't like about Shutter Island.

01:25:22.000 I don't like when you say, oh, it was all trick.

01:25:24.000 You know, don't give me that.

01:25:26.000 I don't want to hear it.

01:25:27.000 That's nonsense. 1.00

01:25:28.000 Show me a real goddamn movie. 1.00

01:25:30.000 That's why I liked Avatar. 0.99

01:25:31.000 It was so clean. 0.99

01:25:32.000 I have a feeling Lost is going to fuck my face up. 0.99

01:25:35.000 The last recent episodes, it's interesting, but it's also like, uh-oh, this could get really bad. 0.99

01:25:42.000 Bad?

01:25:43.000 It could.

01:25:44.000 It has the potential to be ending in a way that you're just like, Are you kidding me?

01:25:50.000 I think this year it just seems silly.

01:25:52.000 Like they're leaping back and forth in time.

01:25:56.000 Once they hit the nuclear bomb and went back in time, I was like, what is happening?

01:26:01.000 What's going on? 1.00

01:26:02.000 Shut up. 1.00

01:26:03.000 You can't just nuclear jump back and forth through time. 1.00

01:26:06.000 You know, stop it.

01:26:07.000 Just stop it.

01:26:08.000 I need more.

01:26:09.000 I need more from you than that.

01:26:11.000 I need a little more than you blow off a nuclear weapon and we go back in time. 1.00

01:26:15.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

01:26:17.000 Come on! 1.00

01:26:18.000 It's too dumb. 0.99

01:26:20.000 And then, where are we now? 0.99

01:26:21.000 We're in 1977. What do we do?

01:26:22.000 No, you would be shitting your pants going, fuck, we're stuck in 77. No, internet, even refrigerators sucked back then. 1.00

01:26:30.000 Nothing was good then. 0.98

01:26:31.000 The cars were all shitty.

01:26:32.000 The brakes were all... 0.93

01:26:34.000 It barely stopped for anything.

01:26:37.000 Dude, it sucked back then. 0.99

01:26:38.000 Everything sucked. 0.99

01:26:40.000 It would suck if you had to live back in 77. Fuck that. 1.00

01:26:43.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:26:44.000 It would suck. 1.00

01:26:45.000 Dude, I got a new beanbag. 0.96

01:26:46.000 Wow! 0.95

01:26:47.000 Yeah, they were allowed to shoot you if they saw weed on you.

01:26:51.000 Weed was totally illegal back then.

01:26:54.000 I have not seen Michael Rupert's film Collapse, but I heard it's really good. 0.64

01:26:59.000 That guy scares the shit out of me.

01:27:00.000 Netflix, iPad, watch it. 0.86

01:27:03.000 He's one of those end-of-the-world dudes.

01:27:04.000 Is Collapse on Netflix?

01:27:05.000 Sure it is.

01:27:07.000 Is it?

01:27:07.000 Let's find out, right?

01:27:08.000 I thought it was only out in the movies or something.

01:27:10.000 Oh, is it?

01:27:11.000 I don't know.

01:27:11.000 Find out.

01:27:12.000 Google that shit. 1.00

01:27:13.000 Netflix. 1.00

01:27:14.000 Collapse. 1.00

01:27:16.000 It's probably some fucking 9-11 shit, isn't it? 1.00

01:27:20.000 Michael Rupert's shit is, I think it's all out about Peak Oil, and he's the guy that exposed the CIA for selling drugs in movies theaters, though. 1.00

01:27:29.000 Okay. 1.00

01:27:31.000 Okay, son.

01:27:32.000 2009. DVD Unknown.

01:27:36.000 Let's check out the rest of the questions we have here on the message board.

01:27:42.000 Because there's a bunch of them up here.

01:27:44.000 Like I said, we had a stop last week because I had a staph infection.

01:27:49.000 I had a little...

01:27:50.000 We should mention our friend Outlaw.

01:27:51.000 Did we talk about that past?

01:27:52.000 No, we didn't.

01:27:53.000 Our good friend Outlaw from Joe's message board has passed.

01:27:57.000 He was a great guy.

01:27:58.000 We all love him very much.

01:28:00.000 Really cool guy.

01:28:01.000 Much love to his wife.

01:28:03.000 Yeah, much love.

01:28:04.000 He was a really fun guy.

01:28:06.000 He was a dude that was on my message board from the beginning, really.

01:28:10.000 I can't remember when he was never there.

01:28:12.000 I mean, I don't remember a time.

01:28:13.000 There was one time where he took off for a while, and I called him at home.

01:28:19.000 I got his information from somebody.

01:28:21.000 I called him at home, and I found out that his brother had...

01:28:25.000 Died recently, and he had some real serious family issues.

01:28:28.000 He was very depressed.

01:28:31.000 I talked to him, and it was nice to know that he was okay physically, but he was real sad.

01:28:37.000 Then he came back and eventually became his old self again, and he was just one of the funniest posters, man.

01:28:44.000 Dude was so quick.

01:28:46.000 Really witty, and apparently, according to his wife, he had always wanted to be a stand-up comedian.

01:28:51.000 And that's one of the reasons why he liked to hang out on my board, because he got the chance to really be an online comedian.

01:28:57.000 I mean, that's a real thing now.

01:29:00.000 We've talked about this before.

01:29:01.000 There are dudes, and message boards are like their comedy stage.

01:29:08.000 You're a good example of that.

01:29:09.000 I consider you, I mean you've done stand-up comedy a few times, but I consider you like an internet comedian because you make these little videos that are funny and you put them up on the internet.

01:29:19.000 Well the problem is you spend so much time, like five hours, you're spending a ton of hours, Just so you can get three to five minutes in front of eight people.

01:29:27.000 I could spend the same amount of time making video that thousands will see.

01:29:31.000 So it's like, why would I want to do it on stage when I could do the same thing on the internet and get 50 million times more people seeing it? 0.58

01:29:38.000 Right, and then eventually, like I said with the Ari thing, if you get enough people to see your shit on the internet, you can develop an internet community, and then you can go do a show somewhere. 0.97

01:29:47.000 And that's the kind of shit that Ari really needs to take advantage of. 1.00

01:29:51.000 Because Ari has a name. 0.99

01:29:53.000 I mean, he's been opening up for me for years.

01:29:55.000 Thousands of people have seen him because of that.

01:29:57.000 And then he's been on the Jim Norton show, Down and Dirty with Jim Norton.

01:30:02.000 And he's got a lot of clips on the internet.

01:30:04.000 And he's been on Opie and Anthony with me a bunch of times.

01:30:06.000 He was on the last time when I was there.

01:30:08.000 So he's got enough stuff happening that he should have a community.

01:30:13.000 It's just a matter of putting it together.

01:30:15.000 That's why it's so much better now than it's ever been before.

01:30:18.000 You know, for comedians.

01:30:19.000 And my message board is one of the best parts about it.

01:30:22.000 And this dude, Outlaw, was one of the best parts about my message board.

01:30:25.000 He was a great guy.

01:30:26.000 He was really funny.

01:30:27.000 And he was just...

01:30:29.000 We got a chance to hang out with him in real life a few times.

01:30:32.000 Once way back in Houston, way, way back in the day.

01:30:35.000 How many years ago was that?

01:30:38.000 Seven.

01:30:38.000 Seven years ago.

01:30:39.000 And then again recently, last year, he came to Dallas.

01:30:44.000 And one or two other times other than that, too.

01:30:47.000 At least one that I can remember.

01:30:48.000 One of the saddest things for me is going to his Facebook pages and his photos.

01:30:52.000 I forgot for Christmas last year, I think.

01:30:54.000 For Christmas, I sent him a photo of me shaving my chest going, ooh.

01:30:58.000 Not really shaving my chest, but like a photo of me.

01:31:01.000 And just as a joke, because that's how our relationship all works.

01:31:04.000 What is on the internet?

01:31:05.000 It's like Photoshop's back and forth with silly photos and stuff.

01:31:08.000 And so then I went to his Facebook and he has that on his Facebook page. 0.99

01:31:12.000 And I'm like, oh, that fucking photo. 0.99

01:31:13.000 I forgot about that. 0.98

01:31:14.000 Yeah, that is one of the cool things about the message board is like, you know, we have like these online friends.

01:31:21.000 You know, they really are online friends.

01:31:23.000 Some of them you never meet.

01:31:24.000 Some of them, they just exist online.

01:31:27.000 And as long as your personality is cool and you're friendly and you're funny, You know, you eventually get into the whole mix there.

01:31:33.000 And that's what's encouraged funniness and personality and openness and the idea that you don't have to fucking get in fights with everybody you talk to online and that if you do say something to somebody, it better be funny.

01:31:47.000 If you're going to be a douche about something, it should be really funny.

01:31:50.000 And it's nice to have something like that.

01:31:53.000 It's nice to get a chance to meet cool people that I probably would never meet in real life, like you, or like Outlaw, or like Tony Z. There's a lot of people, man.

01:32:04.000 There's a lot of people that we've met online, Bad Bobby.

01:32:08.000 There's really cool guys that I look forward to seeing.

01:32:11.000 When I'm in town and I see them, it's fun to hang with.

01:32:13.000 Johnny Rotten and Jen.

01:32:15.000 Yeah, Johnny Rotten and Jen.

01:32:17.000 Jane Flower and her husband Henry.

01:32:19.000 There's a bunch of people that we've met that are really cool.

01:32:22.000 It's a nice thing to have cultivated.

01:32:28.000 I'm just happy that we got a chance to hang out with this guy.

01:32:30.000 I'm happy that we were in his life and that he took pleasure in hanging out on my message board.

01:32:37.000 One of the best artists I know too, and it's crazy that he wasn't making millions from his art.

01:32:44.000 Yeah, he was a really creative guy.

01:32:47.000 First of all, he was in Oklahoma and he didn't feel like he had a lot of opportunities around him all the time.

01:32:52.000 He just didn't feel like that many things were available to him.

01:32:57.000 But he was a great guy, man. 0.97

01:32:59.000 It sucks. 0.99

01:32:59.000 It really does suck. 0.99

01:33:01.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:33:01.000 And he was fairly young, right? 0.98

01:33:03.000 How old was he?

01:33:04.000 Yeah, he was my age, 35. So I'm kind of paranoid, or kind of scared now.

01:33:08.000 I've been eating broccoli a lot lately.

01:33:09.000 I've been eating radishes.

01:33:11.000 Who eats radishes?

01:33:12.000 This guy.

01:33:13.000 Well, yeah.

01:33:15.000 I've been cleaning up my diet a lot lately.

01:33:17.000 I've been eating a lot more vegetables. 0.99

01:33:18.000 Scary as shit. 0.99

01:33:19.000 It's important to take care of your health, man. 0.99

01:33:21.000 And people don't appreciate that, respect that. 0.99

01:33:24.000 It's so easy to eat shitty. 0.96

01:33:26.000 It tastes good, you know? 1.00

01:33:27.000 It tastes good to eat fucking cheeseburgers with shit sauce. 1.00

01:33:30.000 And we always give Ari a hard time about it. 1.00

01:33:32.000 Dude, did you see the photo he tweeted when you guys were in North Carolina?

01:33:37.000 Of the barbecue?

01:33:38.000 No, of what he ate that night.

01:33:40.000 No.

01:33:41.000 It was like...

01:33:42.000 Potato chips, M&Ms, beef jerky, ho-hos. 1.00

01:33:46.000 Like, look at the photo.

01:33:47.000 It's on his Twitter, backslash Ari Shafir.

01:33:49.000 He does put away some junk food.

01:33:51.000 Dude, it was like, alright, that right there is like nipple cancer, you know? 0.76

01:33:55.000 He killed in Charlotte.

01:33:57.000 He had a really good set in Charlotte.

01:33:58.000 Yeah, he blew it up.

01:33:59.000 He was really good.

01:33:59.000 Cool.

01:34:00.000 He was really funny.

01:34:00.000 He was in New York, going up a lot in New York.

01:34:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:34:04.000 New York's pretty cool, but never could live there.

01:34:06.000 He's thinking about living there.

01:34:07.000 He's thinking about making a move.

01:34:08.000 That's crazy, people.

01:34:09.000 Maybe it'd be good for him.

01:34:10.000 Maybe do something totally different.

01:34:12.000 Mix it up.

01:34:13.000 That's crazy that I've never experienced in my life.

01:34:16.000 You have to be in a different head space.

01:34:19.000 I used to like it, and I like it when I go back there a little bit.

01:34:22.000 Part of it is just I know people there and I like it for a quick jolt.

01:34:27.000 Get in there and get out of there.

01:34:28.000 I love going on Opie and Anthony.

01:34:30.000 I love meeting my old pool playing friends.

01:34:32.000 I'd be an alcoholic immediately living there.

01:34:34.000 It seems like that's the only thing to do.

01:34:36.000 And plus, when we came off the plane in California after there, Just seeing nature, seeing grassy fields and trees.

01:34:43.000 I'm like, oh my god, I didn't see any of that when I was in New York.

01:34:45.000 Well, this is the perfect time to be driving around California.

01:34:47.000 It's right after the rain.

01:34:49.000 Yeah, everything's green. 1.00

01:34:50.000 I don't care if it sounds gay, but when I'm getting the mail and it smells like roses, you're just like, wow, this is so much better than shit. 0.99

01:34:57.000 Yeah, there's something to be said definitely for that. 0.99

01:35:01.000 There's definitely something to be said that it's not natural to live stacked 70 people on top of each other. 0.65

01:35:06.000 They've done like those population density studies with rats and they've found that if they have a certain amount of rats in a box everyone's cool but the more rats you add to the box the more fucked up behavior starts manifesting. 0.97

01:35:19.000 A lot of them become neurotic. 0.89

01:35:21.000 They start tweaking and some of them become nutty and they sit by themselves and shake. 0.99

01:35:25.000 They develop all this nutty sensory overload shit because there's too many rats. 0.99

01:35:29.000 They start attacking each other and getting violent. 0.99

01:35:31.000 It gets bad, man. 1.00

01:35:33.000 And that's what happens with fucking people. 1.00

01:35:34.000 When I was in North Carolina last week, man. 1.00

01:35:36.000 It was a couple days ago.

01:35:37.000 I love North Carolina.

01:35:38.000 You could smell it, man.

01:35:40.000 It was nice.

01:35:41.000 Everybody was cool.

01:35:41.000 Spread out, too.

01:35:42.000 Yeah, you go to restaurants.

01:35:43.000 How you doing?

01:35:44.000 How you doing?

01:35:45.000 Can we help y'all?

01:35:45.000 Would you like something to drink?

01:35:47.000 Like, everyone's like kind.

01:35:48.000 Let's move there and hang out with Cliffy B. I know, right?

01:35:50.000 He lives in Raleigh.

01:35:51.000 That's even more...

01:35:52.000 I would just need to play...

01:35:53.000 Well, you know, Raleigh. 0.99

01:35:54.000 I could fucking do stand-up there. 0.99

01:35:55.000 I could always do stand-up with Charlie Goodnight. 0.99

01:35:58.000 You know?

01:35:59.000 Yeah.

01:36:00.000 Yeah, that's a good club.

01:36:01.000 Easily.

01:36:03.000 Takeover, Charlie.

01:36:03.000 Good night.

01:36:05.000 The only thing that would suck is the hurricanes. 1.00

01:36:08.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:36:08.000 And that sucks hard, dude. 1.00

01:36:10.000 One of the waitresses at the place we ate, we ate this cool barbecue place. 0.95

01:36:13.000 And the waitress said to us that a hurricane came and picked up her neighbor's house and dropped it in a pond with them in it. 1.00

01:36:23.000 They were in their fucking house. 0.99

01:36:25.000 It picked, not a mobile house, a house. 1.00

01:36:27.000 Picked their house up and fucking flew it like 30 yards down the road into a pond. 0.98

01:36:33.000 You know, I totally forgot about storms. 0.99

01:36:34.000 I just hate being around tornadoes and storms. 1.00

01:36:37.000 Fucking weather. 1.00

01:36:38.000 Living in Ohio has raped me. 1.00

01:36:40.000 Like, I'm scared of fucking lightning now because I've just been through so much fucking crap storms. 1.00

01:36:45.000 You know what the move is, I think? 0.99

01:36:46.000 The move is a smaller town in California.

01:36:49.000 I think San Diego or Santa Barbara.

01:36:51.000 I love Santa Barbara.

01:36:52.000 San Diego's not bad, but San Diego's so close to Mexico.

01:36:54.000 What about Santa Barbara? 1.00

01:36:54.000 That fucking place is the bomb. 1.00

01:36:56.000 That's not a bad one. 1.00

01:36:57.000 Santa Barbara's a good call.

01:36:58.000 God, that would be amazing.

01:36:59.000 That's a good call.

01:36:59.000 Because it's still like, they have good restaurants.

01:37:01.000 Great zoo.

01:37:02.000 There's a university up there.

01:37:03.000 Yeah, I don't like zoos, man.

01:37:05.000 There's a university up there so that people could...

01:37:08.000 That's a good jail. 0.71

01:37:08.000 I love that jail. 0.71

01:37:09.000 It's awesome.

01:37:10.000 Look how clean they're all about.

01:37:12.000 There's a university up there, a couple, I think.

01:37:14.000 There's more than one, right?

01:37:16.000 Yeah.

01:37:17.000 Best line.

01:37:18.000 There's good jujitsu up there.

01:37:19.000 There's no comedy club up there, but you can do something.

01:37:21.000 Make your own!

01:37:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:37:23.000 Fucking campfire, Joe! 1.00

01:37:24.000 Campfire! 1.00

01:37:24.000 At this point, I'm really seriously thinking about getting a regular gig somewhere. 1.00

01:37:28.000 Just have a campfire in a winery.

01:37:31.000 Tickets are $25.

01:37:33.000 You're just, you know.

01:37:34.000 Doing a gig like in Vegas, like every week, that's the only place you could do it every week because new people come in every week.

01:37:41.000 You know, there's always people coming in.

01:37:43.000 But Vegas is just so bad.

01:37:47.000 It's so bad for you.

01:37:48.000 It's not good to stay there.

01:37:50.000 Vegas is like smoking cigarettes.

01:37:52.000 You can get away with it for a long time, but eventually it's going to get you.

01:37:57.000 Or you could not do it and then you get hit by a bus tomorrow and you're like, I should have done it!

01:38:01.000 Oh, I don't know.

01:38:02.000 I don't think I'd ever say I should have moved to Vegas.

01:38:04.000 But I think doing a gig in Vegas, even if I did it, I still wouldn't live there.

01:38:08.000 I would fly in and do it on the weekends.

01:38:11.000 I wouldn't be able to do one of those five night a week gigs.

01:38:14.000 I can't do five nights a week.

01:38:15.000 I'll lose my marbles for sure.

01:38:17.000 Right.

01:38:17.000 Five nights a week?

01:38:19.000 Dude, I'm not gonna be funny.

01:38:21.000 You know, comedy, a lot of it is based on enthusiasm, and I think if I did every night I had to do five nights a week, I don't think I would be as enthusiastic.

01:38:30.000 I like little days off sometimes and a weekend off here, and it gets the juices all fired up, and that's the best way to try to create new material, too.

01:38:37.000 You can't create new material if you're always, you know, doing long headline sets all the time.

01:38:42.000 I think the better way to do it is to just, you know, really sit down, try to break out some new ideas, and then just go up and try them on their own.

01:38:50.000 You know?

01:38:50.000 I used to introduce them to bits, but sometimes, you know, introduce them like in the middle of bits, and I still do that sometimes, but I think maybe the best way to do it is just go on stage like some crappy open mic night or something like that, you know?

01:39:02.000 I think I'm going to do that at the improv. 0.97

01:39:06.000 The idea is a new shit show. 0.98

01:39:08.000 Do a show real cheap so that the club gets something. 0.99

01:39:12.000 Like five bucks or something like that.

01:39:13.000 And then just work on all new material.

01:39:16.000 Not even have an opening act.

01:39:18.000 Nothing.

01:39:18.000 Just me go up.

01:39:20.000 For like an hour and a half or something like that.

01:39:22.000 I'm thinking about doing that.

01:39:24.000 That might be a good move.

01:39:25.000 I want to try all sorts of different stuff to come up with new material.

01:39:29.000 I mean, you can only get in the isolation tank so many times.

01:39:32.000 You can only look online so many times.

01:39:34.000 I want to canoe.

01:39:35.000 I miss canoeing like crazy.

01:39:37.000 Do you ever get really stoned and go canoeing?

01:39:39.000 No.

01:39:39.000 It is the best, man.

01:39:41.000 Dude, where'd that come from?

01:39:41.000 You're just going through nature in this boat, and once in a while it gets crazy, and you're like, oh, we're going to die.

01:39:46.000 No, and then you're back to peace.

01:39:48.000 It is so fun!

01:39:49.000 I'm not into, like, putting myself into that, oh my god, you're almost gonna die.

01:39:52.000 No, no, no, but canoeing is like, I mean, it just gets a little rapid-y.

01:39:55.000 Like, you're like this.

01:39:56.000 But it's not like rural pools and stuff.

01:39:58.000 People died.

01:39:58.000 There was a reality show that they were filming for, um, I forget what.

01:40:01.000 No, no, you could stand in it.

01:40:03.000 It's like this team.

01:40:04.000 It's not like...

01:40:04.000 Yeah, but this girl was, yeah, she was whitewater canoeing.

01:40:09.000 It went under, and she should have been okay, but she hit her head.

01:40:12.000 And her head, somehow or another, got wedged between two rocks, and she got stuck.

01:40:16.000 So she went out and got stuck under, and they had to go under and pull her out.

01:40:20.000 That's crazy canoeing, man.

01:40:21.000 The canoeing I did, I mean, I've been going since I was a kid, and it's for babies, but it's so just peaceful and fun, and you're...

01:40:28.000 People stop and have beer.

01:40:30.000 Well, I wouldn't mind going canoeing on a lake.

01:40:32.000 Oh yeah, lake too.

01:40:34.000 That would be cool. 0.92

01:40:35.000 I'm not down with letting the boat go into rocks and shit and try to avoid those. 0.98

01:40:41.000 Go, go, laugh, laugh, laugh. 0.99

01:40:43.000 No.

01:40:43.000 You don't like that at all?

01:40:44.000 I don't have any desire to put myself in a situation where I'm trying not to have the fucking canoe tip over. 0.97

01:40:50.000 You just don't like the hickey water. 0.96

01:40:53.000 No, you know, another thing that would freak me out is that's how that VBS.TV show about the Arctic, remember there was that one dude, I think his name was Hindmo, and he lives in Alaska, in northeast Alaska.

01:41:06.000 Their daughter fell off the boat when she was two years old. 0.87

01:41:09.000 They were living up there in the fucking Yukon or whatever the hell it is up there. 0.99

01:41:13.000 What is it called up there? 0.99

01:41:15.000 North.

01:41:15.000 I don't know.

01:41:16.000 Arctic, whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

01:41:17.000 In the Arctic Circle? 0.99

01:41:18.000 Whatever. 0.87

01:41:19.000 He's way the fuck up there.

01:41:20.000 Deep, deep, deep into Alaska. 0.99

01:41:22.000 And they were on a river with a canoe and the fucking canoe tipped over and their daughter was two years old and she drowned. 0.99

01:41:29.000 And all they ever found was her little boot. 0.99

01:41:31.000 And that killed me.

01:41:33.000 That story killed me.

01:41:35.000 And every year they go to this site near where it happened and they plant flowers.

01:41:39.000 It wasn't flowers, they had ribbons because there's no flowers up there. 0.99

01:41:43.000 And it was sad as fuck, man. 0.99

01:41:44.000 Watching them cry. 1.00

01:41:45.000 And they had two grown daughters.

01:41:46.000 Like, they added two daughters afterwards.

01:41:48.000 But it still crushed them.

01:41:50.000 Thinking about their two-year-old that drowned in their canoe. 1.00

01:41:52.000 Fuck a canoe. 1.00

01:41:54.000 No. 1.00

01:41:54.000 No, no, no, no, no. 1.00

01:41:56.000 Not interested. 0.99

01:41:57.000 Not interested in putting my life at risk for some fucking natural river ride thrill. 0.98

01:42:02.000 Not interesting. 0.99

01:42:03.000 You know?

01:42:04.000 I mean, I understand this might be a thrill, but my logic will not let me get past the risk-to-benefit ratio.

01:42:12.000 I look at it and I get angry at myself even thinking about trying it. 0.98

01:42:15.000 It just seems like it's dumb. 0.99

01:42:16.000 You know? 0.97

01:42:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:42:18.000 So good luck on you both, faggot. 1.00

01:42:23.000 2012 tour with Stanhope. 0.99

01:42:25.000 Last time Stanhope and I talked, he wanted to do it and I wanted to do it.

01:42:29.000 I think that would be awesome.

01:42:31.000 Have an end of the world show.

01:42:33.000 And then the real end of the world would be that the world wouldn't end.

01:42:37.000 Have you ever read the book Behold a Pale Horse?

01:42:40.000 Yeah, I think it's a great conspiracy book, Death Rock Dance.

01:42:45.000 I thought it was a bad book. 0.82

01:42:46.000 I thought that guy sounds like he's a nut. 0.96

01:42:49.000 Sounds like either he's crazy or he's like a disinformation guy. 0.99

01:42:53.000 And there are people, without a doubt, who are paid to say things that seem like nonsense. 0.97

01:43:00.000 And say those nonsense things along with things that do make sense and are true and real.

01:43:06.000 And thereby, the nonsense discredits the real information.

01:43:09.000 So, you know, if someone says, like, did you know that, you know, the government did this in 1970?

01:43:15.000 And then you can go, oh, really?

01:43:17.000 Where'd you read that?

01:43:18.000 Well, I read it from William Cooper's book.

01:43:20.000 Is that the guy that believes there's alien bases on the moon that are watching us and that there's information that they have given us?

01:43:27.000 Oh, come on, man. 0.95

01:43:28.000 That guy sounds like a loon. 1.00

01:43:30.000 He sounds fucking crazy. 1.00

01:43:32.000 He's a guy that also said that the driver is the one who killed Kennedy. 1.00

01:43:36.000 He believes that the driver turned around and shot Kennedy.

01:43:39.000 And he could clearly see it in a pruder film. 1.00

01:43:41.000 Like, he's nuts. 1.00

01:43:42.000 He says shit that's so nutty, I have to believe... 1.00

01:43:47.000 There's one or two options. 1.00

01:43:48.000 Either he's completely out of his fucking mind and people just believed him, or he's a plant. 1.00

01:43:53.000 He's a guy that they hired to distribute disinformation, to make things and theories appear ridiculous. 1.00

01:44:00.000 It's very possible that he's that.

01:44:02.000 There's definitely people that do that.

01:44:04.000 There's people that have admitted that the government hires people to blog, hires people to go online and post on message boards and to bait issues.

01:44:12.000 You know, anytime anything specific comes up, you know, they have guys that they'll send On that issue if they believe that this is causing dissent and some sort of a meme of consciousness that they can avoid.

01:44:23.000 They'll attack it.

01:44:24.000 They'll try to discredit things.

01:44:26.000 I mean, it's pretty standard.

01:44:28.000 They would have to do that.

01:44:29.000 They've got to realize how big the internet is. 0.96

01:44:32.000 You hear all that fucking hard drive noise my computer's making? 0.99

01:44:35.000 Your computer's about to die. 1.00

01:44:36.000 Yeah.

01:44:37.000 Flash Player, Safari. 1.00

01:44:40.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:44:40.000 They want me to send in a report. 1.00

01:44:42.000 You know your shit sucks, faggot. 1.00

01:44:43.000 It's still recording. 1.00

01:44:44.000 Flash Player just died.

01:44:46.000 Well, it quit on Safari, bro.

01:44:48.000 It didn't quit on Firefox. 0.99

01:44:49.000 Safari can suck it. 1.00

01:44:51.000 Safari can suck it. 1.00

01:44:52.000 Yeah, the browser. 1.00

01:44:53.000 Wow. 1.00

01:44:54.000 Fuck Flash. 1.00

01:44:55.000 Yeah, Flash is whack. 1.00

01:44:56.000 Do you see HTML 5.0?

01:44:58.000 They made it into Quake 2?

01:45:01.000 You can play Quake 2 in your browser.

01:45:03.000 60 frames per second.

01:45:05.000 Just going to a website.

01:45:07.000 This guy's hilarious.

01:45:08.000 The government is...

01:45:09.000 I wonder if you're telling the truth.

01:45:11.000 Let me start shaking my keys every time I talk to you.

01:45:15.000 Shaking your keys?

01:45:16.000 Wow, does that help?

01:45:19.000 My friend and I have to do that because their mind wanders.

01:45:23.000 So I was just listening to what this guy wrote.

01:45:25.000 The government is only out to protect itself from the rest of us.

01:45:28.000 I wonder if he's being serious.

01:45:30.000 Some people really think like that.

01:45:33.000 The government has to do that because otherwise people would overthrow the government. 0.90

01:45:36.000 It's just the whole idea, and you're not supposed to say this, but the whole idea that everybody should have a say in how the world works is ridiculous. 0.99

01:45:44.000 There's just too many dummies out there. 1.00

01:45:45.000 And there's no way to stop that. 0.96

01:45:47.000 We have kind of bypassed nature.

01:45:51.000 It's not only a strong survive anymore, it's everybody survives.

01:45:54.000 It's like, no matter what, we try to keep you going. 1.00

01:45:58.000 You can be the dumbest motherfucker ever and we try to keep you going. 1.00

01:46:02.000 That didn't always used to be the case. 1.00

01:46:04.000 And I think because it is the case, it's just way too many dummies.

01:46:09.000 A regular democracy just isn't going to work. 0.99

01:46:12.000 I think that's one of the reasons why the government's completely full of shit and why there's just such a cash grab at the top and why, you know, why they still push war and why they still... 0.99

01:46:20.000 Because they know. 1.00

01:46:21.000 They know that there's no way this fucking system is supposed to be working. 0.99

01:46:26.000 You can't have a real democracy. 1.00

01:46:29.000 People are too dumb. 1.00

01:46:30.000 You know? 1.00

01:46:31.000 The Sarah Palin thing proves all that.

01:46:34.000 Look how many people are into that show.

01:46:36.000 That's amazing. 1.00

01:46:37.000 You would think that in a society in 2010 that someone who literally doesn't read at all, you would find out about that and be like, get that crazy bitch out of here. 1.00

01:46:47.000 She can't be president. 1.00

01:46:48.000 But no, people love it.

01:46:50.000 They love her more than ever.

01:46:55.000 What?

01:46:55.000 I agree.

01:46:57.000 I've hit the wall of starting to go cross-eyed. 0.98

01:47:00.000 Dude, you're so weak.

01:47:01.000 You need to take vitamins, man.

01:47:02.000 Uh-huh.

01:47:03.000 I know.

01:47:04.000 It's a lot of talking, Joe.

01:47:06.000 It's a lot of talking.

01:47:06.000 I know, but you can't just say that.

01:47:08.000 We didn't even hit the two hour mark.

01:47:10.000 These people are listening to us and they're bored now.

01:47:13.000 People are listening. 1.00

01:47:14.000 People download this shit on iPods. 1.00

01:47:16.000 I'm tired of talking. 1.00

01:47:17.000 I'm tired.

01:47:18.000 It's not that big a deal.

01:47:20.000 We have the longest podcast in the history of the internet.

01:47:23.000 You know that?

01:47:24.000 That's not true.

01:47:24.000 It's true.

01:47:25.000 No!

01:47:26.000 Yes!

01:47:26.000 Go look!

01:47:27.000 Somebody must have had a longer one than two hours.

01:47:29.000 Never! 0.98

01:47:29.000 That's ridiculous. 0.98

01:47:30.000 Never! 0.95

01:47:31.000 Okay. 0.99

01:47:31.000 You're being silly, son. 0.99

01:47:33.000 Just kidding. 1.00

01:47:33.000 You're being silly. 1.00

01:47:34.000 There's probably some guy sitting there with no pants on. 0.99

01:47:36.000 There's some guy talking about 9-11.

01:47:37.000 This podcast is nine hours long.

01:47:39.000 He does it every day.

01:47:40.000 Alex Jones.

01:47:40.000 There we go.

01:47:41.000 We will not be suppressed!

01:47:43.000 Did you see that interview with Alex Jones on something the other day?

01:47:46.000 CNN. Yeah.

01:47:47.000 Yeah.

01:47:48.000 What was it like?

01:47:50.000 Somebody said it right, that 98% of the time he's 99% right.

01:47:55.000 Right.

01:47:58.000 You know, that's really, I don't know, I might have paraphrased and made it much better.

01:48:03.000 I'm going to use that now.

01:48:05.000 But I think that's really what it is, at a certain point in time. 0.99

01:48:08.000 You know, you gotta listen to some of the shit that he says. 1.00

01:48:10.000 He's right about a lot of shit. 1.00

01:48:12.000 He's just so crazy. 1.00

01:48:13.000 It's hard to take him seriously. 0.90

01:48:14.000 You know, everybody's like, is Alex Jones a disinformation agent?

01:48:17.000 I hope not, because I think he's my friend. 0.99

01:48:20.000 If it turns out he's just a disinformation agent and he's been fucking with me the whole time, that's ridiculous. 1.00

01:48:24.000 You should've definitely been friends with me instead of the government, you dummy. 0.99

01:48:27.000 If that's the case... 0.96

01:48:29.000 I'm way more fun to hang out with than the government.

01:48:31.000 If you're going to make money off the government, he's an entertaining orator.

01:48:35.000 He's an entertaining speaker.

01:48:36.000 I enjoy listening to him talk. 1.00

01:48:38.000 He gets fucking crazy about shit. 1.00

01:48:39.000 And some of his videos are pretty goddamn jam up. 1.00

01:48:42.000 Some of his videos are pretty goddamn good. 0.83

01:48:45.000 Have you ever watched 9-1-1, The Road to Conspiracy? 0.80

01:48:48.000 Or The Road to...

01:48:50.000 What is it called?

01:48:51.000 I've watched them, but to me...

01:48:52.000 The Road to Conspiracy is what it should be called.

01:48:53.000 I've watched it to me, but you know, there comes to a point.

01:48:57.000 You can't believe anybody because you weren't there.

01:49:00.000 You can believe this side or that.

01:49:01.000 So to me, I just become, you know what, it voids each other. 0.99

01:49:03.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.98

01:49:04.000 Well, my concern wasn't even the 9-1-1 stuff. 0.99

01:49:07.000 It was the stuff on the World Trade Organization.

01:49:09.000 It was just stuff on these people that were paid to disrupt peaceful protests. 0.96

01:49:14.000 They would hire cops to go in and dress up as people with ski masks on and start smashing cars and shit. 0.99

01:49:19.000 And he documents it all and really fucking exposes the shit out of it. 0.99

01:49:23.000 And apparently it's a common tactic. 0.98

01:49:25.000 And that's why, you know, whenever there's a demonstration anywhere that's ever anything important, ever involving world leaders, there's always a violence in these demonstrations.

01:49:35.000 Even if the people that are into this idea are completely non-violent. 0.95

01:49:39.000 You know, even if it's Buddhists, you know, against, you know, fucking something that's happening in China. 0.98

01:49:46.000 And only Buddhists show up and protest, real Buddhists. 0.99

01:49:50.000 Still, someone will be smashing windows and some shit will happen while they have to bring in cops. 0.98

01:49:54.000 And the reason why is because they do that. 0.95

01:49:56.000 They do that to make a nonviolent protest, a violent one, so they can break it up. 1.00

01:50:01.000 I mean, that's real shit. 0.99

01:50:03.000 The government's been doing that forever. 1.00

01:50:05.000 That is so fucking corrupt. 1.00

01:50:08.000 So wrong on so many levels and yet you never even hear about it. 1.00

01:50:12.000 They throw people in jail left and right for not paying their taxes.

01:50:15.000 When was the last time anybody got thrown in jail for being a provocateur?

01:50:19.000 When was the last time anybody got thrown in jail for being a professional anarchist?

01:50:24.000 For being someone who gets hired to go up and cause chaos?

01:50:27.000 And create, you know, create drama so they can have an excuse. 1.00

01:50:30.000 That shit should be, that's like fucking treason. 1.00

01:50:33.000 That really is. 1.00

01:50:34.000 That's like, that's like slavery. 1.00

01:50:36.000 Like you're, you are faking shit and fucking shit up and people are gonna get locked in a cage because of you. 1.00

01:50:43.000 Because of what you did. 1.00

01:50:44.000 You've taken away their freedom.

01:50:45.000 Even temporarily, some of them are actually gonna go to jail for long periods of time.

01:50:48.000 Because you're gonna create trumped up charges of violence on them. 0.98

01:50:51.000 Because it's some shit that you guys caused. 1.00

01:50:53.000 That's tyranny. 1.00

01:50:54.000 That really is treason.

01:50:57.000 That's a person who should not be allowed to be an American. 0.98

01:50:59.000 You know, you are corrupting everything that's great about what America's supposed to stand for. 1.00

01:51:04.000 You fucking cunt. 1.00

01:51:05.000 Right? 1.00

01:51:06.000 Meow.

01:51:07.000 He's done.

01:51:08.000 Done, folks.

01:51:09.000 I'm going to answer a couple more questions because we can't end like that. 1.00

01:51:12.000 This fucking low blood sugar faggot. 1.00

01:51:14.000 I'm going to get him a plum. 1.00

01:51:15.000 I probably am low blood sugar.

01:51:17.000 I know you're low blood sugar.

01:51:18.000 You got an issue, son.

01:51:20.000 We need to get you some supplements.

01:51:22.000 I know.

01:51:23.000 Dude.

01:51:24.000 What?

01:51:25.000 I have nothing anymore.

01:51:26.000 You don't understand.

01:51:26.000 I don't even have pots and pans anymore.

01:51:29.000 I had a roommate move out.

01:51:31.000 Your roommate took everything?

01:51:32.000 Everything!

01:51:33.000 Was it all your stuff?

01:51:36.000 Well, most of the big stuff is mine, but when you realize, oh, no pots and pans.

01:51:41.000 Oh, no dish soap.

01:51:42.000 Oh, no toilet paper.

01:51:44.000 Oh, so you've got to start from scratch.

01:51:46.000 Yeah, and you don't even know what you're missing, though.

01:51:47.000 Wow.

01:51:48.000 You know, it's crazy.

01:51:50.000 Wow.

01:51:50.000 Very crazy.

01:51:52.000 Yeah, that's always a weird thing, man, when you live with somebody.

01:51:55.000 For three years, yeah.

01:51:56.000 And then you break up and then they move out and you're like, wow, now what?

01:51:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:52:00.000 Fucking now what? 0.99

01:52:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:52:02.000 It gets strange, you know?

01:52:03.000 It gets really weird how you become so comfortable with living with somebody and you...

01:52:09.000 Well, not only that, you get so accustomed to having that person in your life.

01:52:12.000 We addict to each other.

01:52:14.000 That's why people get so terrified when people want to break up.

01:52:17.000 People get terrified.

01:52:18.000 They're like, I'm addicted to you and my life will be hell if you leave.

01:52:23.000 And that's really what it's like.

01:52:26.000 Sometimes people obsess on relationships for long periods of time, but God, so much more Often, when the relationship is over, you feel so much better once it levels out.

01:52:37.000 You're like, what the hell is I doing?

01:52:39.000 I want to fucking go canoeing and then maybe roller skating or something. 0.86

01:52:42.000 Well, you were involved in a situation where, I mean, I don't know how much you want to talk about it, but you were involved in a situation where you felt like the person you were with wasn't very happy. 0.91

01:52:51.000 Oh yeah, totally. 0.97

01:52:52.000 And you're a pretty easy going kind of silly guy. 0.78

01:52:55.000 It's also, there's a problem too in having a relationship with someone sometimes who's really struggling and you're not like, you know, you don't have to get up at a specific time every day. 0.81

01:53:05.000 Well, that seems like it's a problem with my whole life now because now most people have nine to five jobs and it's really hard to think that like, oh, this person doesn't Well, a 9 to 5 that you enjoy is not that bad.

01:53:18.000 Those people are usually fairly fun, or at least fairly happy.

01:53:22.000 But a 9 to 5 that you hate, that's hard sauce, man.

01:53:25.000 That's hard sauce to swallow.

01:53:26.000 It gets to a point where too much of a percentage of your day is Pushed into the negative zone and you start dragging that negativity.

01:53:37.000 It's not like you can just shut it off at the end of the day and all of a sudden be super positive.

01:53:40.000 You're kind of beaten down by a boring ass day and at the end of the week you get this paycheck and it's like $300 and you're like, what? 0.66

01:53:48.000 $300? 0.82

01:53:48.000 They take the taxes out and that's what you got left. 0.82

01:53:51.000 You gave us your whole week and we give you $300.

01:53:54.000 And you don't like it, you know?

01:53:55.000 And you're uncomfortable physically, you know?

01:53:57.000 It's like, there's so many issues that people have to go through. 0.98

01:54:01.000 It's fucking hard, man. 0.91

01:54:02.000 But I don't think there's any other solution, you know? 0.98

01:54:05.000 I mean, everyone can't really figure it out and find some job that they truly love.

01:54:12.000 There's going to be people that are in jobs that they don't like.

01:54:15.000 Because if they're not, there's... 0.97

01:54:17.000 I mean, we need to keep this fucking society rolling, you know? 0.99

01:54:21.000 There's a lot of shit that you don't want to do. 1.00

01:54:24.000 There's a lot of shit that I don't want to do. 0.99

01:54:25.000 It's going to have to get done if we want to have a society like this. 0.99

01:54:28.000 Unless we develop robots.

01:54:29.000 I mean, is that the future? 0.94

01:54:30.000 Where robots do all the jobs that suck?

01:54:32.000 And then the only people that are left are what?

01:54:34.000 The creators?

01:54:35.000 The people that create things? 0.97

01:54:37.000 What the fuck becomes of it? 0.77

01:54:39.000 Craftsmen, artists, creatives, doctors, engineers, scientists, people that create new computers and fix the stuff that we have, technicians, and then what else? 0.98

01:54:49.000 Then you don't need Burger King workers anymore.

01:54:51.000 That's going to get to a point where that's going to be the case. 0.94

01:54:54.000 You don't need anybody to do anything that sucks.

01:54:58.000 What's the deal with the law and the census survey that they're making you fill out? 0.94

01:55:03.000 They make you fill it out?

01:55:04.000 The census?

01:55:06.000 It says it's the law.

01:55:07.000 Is it like not doing your taxes kind of law?

01:55:11.000 I don't know, man. 1.00

01:55:12.000 Until they can count Mexicans, they can suck my dick. 1.00

01:55:14.000 You don't know how many people are here. 1.00

01:55:16.000 You're not going to tell me that through your little pieces of paper you got it all figured out.

01:55:19.000 That's nonsense. 0.62

01:55:19.000 There's so many Mexicans here that have snuck across the border. 0.62

01:55:22.000 And until you can count them, why are we playing games?

01:55:25.000 Why are we pretending that you know? 1.00

01:55:26.000 So I can wipe my ass with the census shit. 1.00

01:55:28.000 I just think it's silly. 1.00

01:55:29.000 You're giving me permission.

01:55:31.000 I'm not telling you what to do. 0.99

01:55:32.000 You're a groat-ass man. 0.99

01:55:34.000 You're a groat-ass man. 0.99

01:55:35.000 You gotta do what you want to do. 0.98

01:55:36.000 I keep on looking at it.

01:55:37.000 I'm like, oh, why do I have to do this?

01:55:40.000 I don't feel like I need to do it.

01:55:41.000 And I also, I don't feel like I want to participate in anything extracurricular.

01:55:45.000 You know, I mean, you got to come up with a better way to count people.

01:55:48.000 Right.

01:55:48.000 You know, I don't know.

01:55:48.000 I don't want to be a part of it.

01:55:50.000 Same.

01:55:50.000 And I don't think it's helping things.

01:55:52.000 I think until you start concentrating on why the fuck are we in Iraq and Afghanistan, until we address that, I'm not going to address how many people there are. 0.98

01:55:59.000 Stop it. 1.00

01:56:00.000 Stupid. 1.00

01:56:01.000 Stop embarrassing yourself. 1.00

01:56:02.000 Stop embarrassing yourself, you fucking government. 1.00

01:56:05.000 You're ruining everything, you cocksuckers. 1.00

01:56:07.000 Alright, a couple more questions, then we'll just get the fuck out of here, ladies and gentlemen, because this has been almost two hours as of right now. 1.00

01:56:15.000 Um... 1.00

01:56:17.000 There's a lot of weird questions here, you strange motherfuckers. 0.99

01:56:23.000 Impossible to try to keep up with the feed on the Ustream. 1.00

01:56:27.000 You bitches are very prolific. 1.00

01:56:30.000 But I'll check out Twitter real quick. 0.98

01:56:32.000 How do we pick the questions, topics for Ustream?

01:56:41.000 We just start talking.

01:56:43.000 Unfortunately.

01:56:44.000 Yeah.

01:56:45.000 Pick it a little bit better.

01:56:46.000 Yeah.

01:56:47.000 We'll just start talking.

01:56:48.000 I mean, we've always got something interesting to talk about.

01:56:49.000 Zero really planning.

01:56:51.000 I pretty much just came over here and we need coffee.

01:56:54.000 Yeah.

01:56:54.000 We smoked a little pot and then we started the party.

01:56:57.000 Yeah.

01:56:57.000 He came over here.

01:56:58.000 I was eating lunch.

01:56:59.000 He got in the door.

01:57:00.000 I said, you want some coffee?

01:57:02.000 He said, yeah.

01:57:02.000 We brewed some coffee.

01:57:03.000 Fired up a bong or a pipe.

01:57:07.000 That's pretty much it.

01:57:07.000 And that's it.

01:57:08.000 That's it.

01:57:08.000 That was our setup.

01:57:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:11.000 And if we had like a real producer, we could take this shit worldwide. 0.99

01:57:14.000 I'm going to do a weekly serious show. 0.98

01:57:15.000 They're just trying to figure out when's the best time for me to do it.

01:57:18.000 And it'll be like one day a week for six weeks.

01:57:20.000 I'm going to do it.

01:57:21.000 It'll be probably on Raw Dog.

01:57:23.000 And if it goes well and if they like it, I'll consider doing it every week and keep doing that. 0.99

01:57:28.000 I just want to do more shit like this. 0.75

01:57:30.000 My only thing I'm going to say to them is I just want to be able to put it out as a podcast as well. 0.99

01:57:34.000 And if that's possible, then I'll do it.

01:57:35.000 Yeah.

01:57:36.000 For very little money.

01:57:38.000 Well, this is a real podcast too.

01:57:40.000 I get all these emails from people telling me they listen on the subway.

01:57:45.000 Yeah, and if you're listening, this is from a webcam show.

01:57:49.000 This is just the raw audio.

01:57:51.000 Yeah, we've done no engineering, but you know what?

01:57:53.000 I don't think that's important.

01:57:55.000 I think what's important is the things I like most when I listen to Opie and Anthony or Bubba the Love Sponge or anything like that is when they're in the middle of a conversation and it's an interesting conversation and I enjoy The point of views and the arguments and the disagreements and the revelations that these guys have.

01:58:09.000 I like shows like that.

01:58:11.000 That's what I want to hear.

01:58:11.000 I don't really care if it's produced well.

01:58:13.000 That's all nonsense to me.

01:58:14.000 I just want to listen to people be honest and I want to see if I think the way they think or if I can learn something from the way they think.

01:58:23.000 I'm going to try to do that.

01:58:24.000 So we're going to do that and I'm right about to do a deal to, it's not been totally finalized, but almost, real close, where I'm going to write a book.

01:58:32.000 So I'm in the middle of doing that too. 0.99

01:58:35.000 Get that shit cranking. 0.98

01:58:36.000 I've been writing for a while, but now it's like the deal's actually finalized and it's taken a form. 0.99

01:58:42.000 It's going to be difficult and I'm going to try to update my website with more little quick videos and shit because it'll be harder to just keep writing things over and over and over again.

01:58:52.000 So the next show I've got is this weekend.

01:58:54.000 I'm doing the Kevin and Beans April Foolishness at the Universal Amphitheater or some shit like that.

01:59:02.000 Is that what it is? 0.95

01:59:02.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:59:03.000 I did it last year.

01:59:03.000 It was awesome.

01:59:04.000 Those guys are great.

01:59:05.000 They're awesome. 0.98

01:59:05.000 There's a lot of funny comics on, but I believe the shit's sold out, son. 0.98

01:59:09.000 And I'm headlining it. 0.97

01:59:12.000 Which is always interesting.

01:59:14.000 People get tired.

01:59:15.000 And also there's a lot of topics that already get covered.

01:59:18.000 I'll have to bring up very strange topics.

01:59:21.000 So, that's it for this week's podcast.

01:59:23.000 Thank you very much.

01:59:24.000 All the people came to see me in New York last week. 0.96

01:59:26.000 I had a fucking hell of a time. 0.94

01:59:28.000 Thank you very much. 0.97

01:59:29.000 I was so happy.

01:59:30.000 I hadn't been back to New York in two years.

01:59:33.000 I switched it up, went to Gotham this time. 0.94

01:59:35.000 I usually do Carolines, but I did Gotham, and Gotham was fucking awesome. 0.76

01:59:38.000 I loved it. 0.69

01:59:39.000 I had a great time there.

01:59:40.000 I loved it.

01:59:41.000 It got a big-ass stage.

01:59:42.000 The crowd was great.

01:59:44.000 The staff was great.

01:59:46.000 And then I did Amos' South End in South Carolina. 0.98

01:59:49.000 North Carolina, rather, and had a great fucking time there in Charlotte. 0.96

01:59:53.000 That was awesome, too. 0.97

01:59:54.000 So thank you, everybody, that came out to the New York shows, and thank you to everybody that came out to the Charlotte show.

01:59:59.000 And that's it.

02:00:00.000 This is the end.

02:00:01.000 We're going to do another one of these, probably more like Tuesday, because I've got to go to Abu Dhabi next week.

02:00:07.000 I've got to fly on a plane and a metal tube all the way across the world to a strange land.

02:00:15.000 And for sure I'll have some interesting things to say when I get back from that.

02:00:19.000 Big fights, big UFC fights over there.

02:00:21.000 And so we'll see you guys Tuesday.

02:00:24.000 Thank you very much for everything.

02:00:26.000 Thanks for continuing to tune in. 0.99

02:00:27.000 And I love you bitches. 1.00

02:00:29.000 Thanks. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 03, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #14 - Brian Redban

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