The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1401 - Iliza Shlesinger

00:00:03.000 And the first sound is a slurp.

00:00:08.000 Hello, Eliza.

00:00:09.000 It's a cozy morning.

00:00:10.000 What's going on, my friend?

00:00:11.000 It is kind of cozy, right?

00:00:12.000 For California, it's like a little chill in the air.

00:00:15.000 Makes you feel like there's real weather here.

00:00:16.000 It does.

00:00:17.000 Like we're in a normal place.

00:00:18.000 Yeah, a normal place.

00:00:19.000 With normal people.

00:00:20.000 Like where things change.

00:00:22.000 Like you get a winter and a summer and a spring.

00:00:24.000 We get a slight chill and we're like, ooh, my God, it's real.

00:00:27.000 With the season changing, though, nobody ages.

00:00:29.000 Like it's still that perennial, somewhere between 20 to 45 year old.

00:00:33.000 Nobody ages.

00:00:34.000 What do you mean?

00:00:35.000 Everybody in LA, like there's like this nebulous age where it's like, Behavior-wise and everything, you're somewhere between 25 and 45. And then on either side of that, you're too old or too young.

00:00:45.000 But everybody is this kind of...

00:00:47.000 You can act like a child here.

00:00:50.000 That's an interesting observation.

00:00:51.000 It's totally true, right?

00:00:52.000 Because they don't have the responsibility of having to shovel snow and prepare for the winter and get up and scrape your windshield because there's ice on it.

00:01:02.000 Or prepare for life.

00:01:03.000 You could be a 45-year-old dude and you're like, I do improv and I have a roommate and girls are like, awesome.

00:01:10.000 Are they really awesome?

00:01:12.000 Totally.

00:01:12.000 Really?

00:01:13.000 What girls? 1.00

00:01:13.000 None that I know. 1.00

00:01:15.000 Someone's fucking. 1.00

00:01:16.000 You think so? 1.00

00:01:17.000 Other girls that are like that. 1.00

00:01:19.000 That's who's fucking. 1.00

00:01:20.000 Other people that... 0.99

00:01:21.000 There's like a...

00:01:22.000 You know there's certain people that we know...

00:01:24.000 Okay, let's not even say we know. 1.00

00:01:26.000 That we've run into in our life that are on this show business path and they are fucked. 1.00

00:01:31.000 And you know they're like a stampeding herd of buffalo that are headed for a cliff. 1.00

00:01:35.000 And there's no way out.

00:01:39.000 You're either going to get some kind of a job, and you're going to be bitter and angry, or you're just going to keep doing this forever and it's never going to happen.

00:01:47.000 I feel like with comedy in particular, it's one of those careers where...

00:01:52.000 It's not even you fail upward, you just fail laterally.

00:01:54.000 Like, comedy is one of those things where you can kind of just continue to exist in and around it despite actual talent.

00:02:01.000 Like, we all know the comics where it's like, you're not dead yet?

00:02:03.000 They're like, no!

00:02:05.000 I'm writing ads that go on the back of tickets.

00:02:09.000 I'm writing commercial parodies for, like, comedy.net.

00:02:13.000 Like, just existing in subdivisions of the realm of comedy.

00:02:17.000 And they think that they're in the game, but really they're in the parking lot.

00:02:20.000 Well, then there's the weird ones that come to the store, and they come to the improv, and they hang out.

00:02:27.000 But they don't really go up, ever.

00:02:29.000 I don't understand that.

00:02:30.000 I don't understand that.

00:02:31.000 The myth of the hang.

00:02:33.000 The idea is that you would be hanging, if you don't know anyone, you want to meet some new friends, or your friends are there.

00:02:38.000 But I see people that just bob and weave, and they act like they're looking for someone.

00:02:43.000 I'm like, there's no one there.

00:02:44.000 You're just here hoping someone talks to you, but you've been doing this for so long.

00:02:48.000 Go home.

00:02:49.000 Write something.

00:02:50.000 Yeah, but it's not going to happen.

00:02:52.000 I'm not going to do it.

00:02:52.000 Comedy is one of those things, I feel like you could learn how to play music.

00:02:56.000 Someone could teach you how to move your fingers in the right direction.

00:03:00.000 I mean, you might never be Jimi Hendrix.

00:03:03.000 You might never be some virtuoso who stands out.

00:03:07.000 But you might get good at music if you could put the practice in.

00:03:10.000 You could learn the math of it.

00:03:11.000 Comedy is not that.

00:03:13.000 My college, Emerson College, now offers...

00:03:16.000 Shout out to Boston.

00:03:17.000 Shout out.

00:03:18.000 Woo! 0.99

00:03:18.000 Offers a comedy major. 0.99

00:03:20.000 Oh, good luck with that.

00:03:22.000 Right.

00:03:22.000 I'm like, you're either funny or you're not.

00:03:24.000 And you can learn what makes a script funny and you can learn about timing and things, but you have it innately or you don't.

00:03:30.000 Yeah.

00:03:30.000 I firmly believe that.

00:03:32.000 I do too.

00:03:32.000 And the amount of people, you know, You can't tell someone.

00:03:35.000 There are plenty of people who aren't naturally funny that make a huge career out of things, you know, because someone else unfunny finds them funny.

00:03:42.000 But it's one of those things where I'm not going to be the one to tell you to give up on your dream.

00:03:48.000 Like, that's not my position to tell someone that.

00:03:51.000 But you're constantly surrounded by these, like, it's almost like this walking dead of unfunny.

00:03:55.000 Like, they're just at the shows and they're just there for decades of your life.

00:03:58.000 Yeah.

00:03:59.000 It's hard.

00:04:00.000 Sometimes they'll ask me to get on the podcast, too.

00:04:02.000 And I'll be like, what are you saying?

00:04:04.000 What do you say?

00:04:05.000 I don't know.

00:04:06.000 You say no?

00:04:07.000 You're very good.

00:04:09.000 I remember watching you.

00:04:10.000 I've told you this before.

00:04:11.000 We were at the store one time, and there's this...

00:04:13.000 Because you're so...

00:04:14.000 Alpha.

00:04:15.000 Like a proper, and I say this to you every time I see you, like a proper definition of one.

00:04:20.000 And I think that like a real alpha male doesn't seek to disempower, doesn't seek to make anybody else feel bad.

00:04:27.000 Like you're just like, this is what I do, and I set my boundaries.

00:04:29.000 And we were in that back outside bar where only comics are allowed.

00:04:32.000 And this guy walked up to you.

00:04:34.000 Do you remember this?

00:04:34.000 And he was a little bit in your space, harmless.

00:04:37.000 He was like, oh, Joe, can I get a picture?

00:04:39.000 And you were like, you cannot be back here.

00:04:41.000 You've got to go.

00:04:42.000 Well, I saw him weasel through.

00:04:44.000 He came from the show and then went through the back kitchen area and then went to...

00:04:49.000 It's happened a few times where people know that we hang out back there because we talk about it on the podcast.

00:04:53.000 We go back there to smoke and then all of a sudden there'll be like me and, you know, Callan or whoever and you and comics just talking about the sets.

00:05:02.000 Like, are you doing a Tripoli show?

00:05:04.000 Like, what's going on?

00:05:04.000 Not cool stuff, folks.

00:05:06.000 And then all of a sudden, someone's right here.

00:05:08.000 Like, hey man, hey, what's up?

00:05:09.000 Hey, dude, can I get a picture?

00:05:11.000 You're like...

00:05:12.000 You're not supposed to be back.

00:05:13.000 There's a sign.

00:05:14.000 You said that.

00:05:14.000 I don't know that...

00:05:15.000 It's like we all...

00:05:16.000 I put my foot down for certain things.

00:05:18.000 And of course, as you get older, you get better about it.

00:05:20.000 But I straight up...

00:05:21.000 I don't know that I could say that to someone.

00:05:23.000 I allow people in my space.

00:05:25.000 And I'm like, you kind of just tolerate it because you never know.

00:05:27.000 And there's that fear like, what is this person?

00:05:29.000 But you were very like, you can't be here.

00:05:32.000 And the guy was like, oh, so sorry.

00:05:33.000 Well, I'm happy to take a picture with somebody.

00:05:35.000 But I knew that that guy had gotten into the employees area.

00:05:39.000 He had weaseled his way back through.

00:05:41.000 Yeah, but you did that and I remember watching it and I was like...

00:05:46.000 You could do it. 0.99

00:05:46.000 The problem is with women, men get really fucking creepy. 0.99

00:05:50.000 Men get really shitty with women. 1.00

00:05:52.000 If a woman says you can't be here, who knows? 0.99

00:05:55.000 Who knows what kind of a man you're dealing with?

00:05:57.000 I can speak to that.

00:05:59.000 And I also remember I was on your podcast forever ago, and I had done this show, and I brought up this thing.

00:06:06.000 I get a lot of incels Instagramming me about this, because this guy came into our group.

00:06:11.000 It was a group of women standing outside, and he asked for a lighter.

00:06:13.000 Oh yeah, I remember this.

00:06:15.000 And all of the betas, you've got a lot of great fans, but on the fringe ones, they were like, oh, don't ask her for a lighter.

00:06:21.000 And I'm like, tell you what, when someone bigger and stronger than you that has the ability to hurt you comes into your personal space, not really wanting a lighter, wanting something else, and your sensors go off, make sure that you stay silent and see how great you feel.

00:06:34.000 I don't think there's any respect for the idea that, like, sometimes you feel scared, and it's not like a cry wolf thing.

00:06:39.000 Like, I'm a tough chick.

00:06:40.000 I don't walk around, like, afraid, but every once in a while...

00:06:43.000 Show me some knuckles.

00:06:44.000 Tough chick. 1.00

00:06:45.000 They're all bloated from vodka last night.

00:06:49.000 There's a thing, like, someone can do it the right way.

00:06:52.000 Like, someone could say, excuse me, do any of you ladies have a lighter? 1.00

00:06:56.000 Easily.

00:06:56.000 And then he's like, no, sorry, we don't smoke.

00:06:58.000 Okay, cool, thank you.

00:06:59.000 But I've had it happen where somebody, they put their energy and they're like, who has a lighter?

00:07:03.000 And you're like, I don't think what you want is a lighter.

00:07:07.000 And I stand by that decision.

00:07:09.000 It's all context.

00:07:10.000 I think so.

00:07:11.000 So it's a technicality.

00:07:13.000 And it's like, okay.

00:07:14.000 So if you wanted to have white power and not at the Laugh Factory, you just have to cut Jamie a check. 0.81

00:07:19.000 Say we're going to take over the place.

00:07:21.000 I think my biggest issue would be cutting Jamie a check.

00:07:27.000 Buddy, listen, we have white power night.

00:07:30.000 Love to have you in, but you're not white power. 0.99

00:07:33.000 White power open mic night.

00:07:35.000 There are no jokes.

00:07:37.000 Everyone is fully erect.

00:07:39.000 Buddy, everybody already did Sieg Heil.

00:07:42.000 You can't do Sieg Heil.

00:07:43.000 Have you been banned from there?

00:07:45.000 No.

00:07:45.000 Okay, because I was.

00:07:47.000 Yeah, I know.

00:07:48.000 Well, I was your first guest on your podcast that you were doing out of there.

00:07:53.000 I know.

00:07:54.000 And you were.

00:07:55.000 And that was so cool of you because it was a podcast.

00:07:58.000 There was no money in it.

00:08:00.000 But you were a friend.

00:08:02.000 Like, I didn't get any...

00:08:03.000 Like, it was a dinky podcast run in the attic of the Laugh Factory.

00:08:07.000 And when you decided to leave the Laugh Factory as a venue for your podcast, you wanted to expand.

00:08:13.000 Jamie said, buddy, you can no longer do your Sieg Heil in my club.

00:08:18.000 To the two Jews. 1.00

00:08:20.000 Yeah.

00:08:20.000 He...

00:08:21.000 Yelled at me.

00:08:23.000 And this was four years ago.

00:08:25.000 He yelled...

00:08:25.000 I was offered my podcast.

00:08:27.000 This is an old podcast to run it out of the improv.

00:08:31.000 And so I called Jamie and I said, I got offered my podcast somewhere else and I'm going to take it there.

00:08:36.000 I just wanted to respectfully...

00:08:37.000 Because they had set up a whole podcast studio.

00:08:39.000 The improv...

00:08:39.000 Yes.

00:08:41.000 They set it up.

00:08:42.000 They were like, come over here.

00:08:43.000 We'll get you advertisers.

00:08:44.000 We'll produce this.

00:08:46.000 Because the Laugh Factory, they would put it up, but that was it.

00:08:48.000 There was no...

00:08:55.000 Really?

00:09:13.000 He said no problem?

00:09:14.000 Mm-hmm.

00:09:15.000 That's why this is so insane.

00:09:16.000 No problem.

00:09:17.000 You are family.

00:09:18.000 Go ahead.

00:09:19.000 I'm making him sound Russian.

00:09:22.000 But it's like a weird accent anyway.

00:09:23.000 So I go and keep in mind, I was like the textbook picture employee.

00:09:29.000 They're like, I'm one of three women that performed there regularly at the time, like headlining women.

00:09:34.000 I baked cookies for the waitresses.

00:09:36.000 I would bust my hump to get there because there's times where it was written in stone.

00:09:41.000 Like, it's 8.45.

00:09:42.000 Can I get 8.50?

00:09:43.000 I'm running.

00:09:43.000 No!

00:09:44.000 This is the time.

00:09:45.000 Like, I never ran the light.

00:09:47.000 Like, I was really respectful.

00:09:50.000 And like an hour later, he calls me yelling at me.

00:09:53.000 What?

00:09:54.000 You did not say you are taking your podcast to levity, which is the governing, for those of you who know, body that owns a lot of the improvs, and they're a huge thing.

00:10:02.000 But you told me you're going to the improv.

00:10:04.000 I just said I'm taking it elsewhere.

00:10:06.000 It didn't occur to me to say it, but it also – Levity is so big.

00:10:12.000 It's like I didn't even think, oh, it's a competing thing.

00:10:15.000 I think of the factory as a couple of clubs and Levity is more of like an enterprise.

00:10:18.000 Yeah.

00:10:19.000 Plus I don't play my factory clubs.

00:10:21.000 Right.

00:10:22.000 Just yelling at me, acting like I did this duplicitous thing.

00:10:26.000 He hangs up on me.

00:10:27.000 Hangs up on me.

00:10:28.000 Grown man.

00:10:30.000 And I go on the website that night.

00:10:31.000 My name is taken down off all the shows.

00:10:33.000 I'm pretty sure he removed my face from that mosaic of comics outside.

00:10:37.000 I am persona non grata.

00:10:39.000 And so, did I ever tell you the conclusion of this?

00:10:42.000 No.

00:10:43.000 It really hurt my feelings.

00:10:44.000 Really?

00:10:45.000 And I'm the kind of person, if you shut a door in my face, I will nail it closed.

00:10:50.000 And I call the Laugh Factory and all the girls that are working there, and I said, why didn't anyone, like, we're all cool.

00:10:56.000 Like, did no one even stand up for me?

00:10:57.000 Like, I didn't really do anything wrong.

00:10:59.000 And this one girl goes, you know, he's just really stressed.

00:11:01.000 A lot of people are leaving the production office.

00:11:04.000 So I think he's stressed because a lot of employees are leaving.

00:11:07.000 And I go, who's left?

00:11:08.000 And she said this one girl, who doesn't matter the name, said this one girl, and I go, okay, give me her number. 0.82

00:11:13.000 And I called her, and I said, hi, it's Eliza, because she worked on my podcast.

00:11:18.000 And I was like, I will give you X amount of money if you walk out of the Laugh Factory today and come work for me.

00:11:24.000 And it was like a chunk of cash.

00:11:25.000 And I was like, I need the answer by noon.

00:11:27.000 I'll be at Kings Road Cafe.

00:11:28.000 There was no reason to put a clock on it.

00:11:30.000 I was just feeling really nuggish.

00:11:31.000 He put a power move down.

00:11:33.000 And that's who's sitting in our lobby now.

00:11:35.000 She's been my assistant for four years.

00:11:37.000 Ah!

00:11:38.000 I rescued her.

00:11:39.000 She's my angel in my heartbeat.

00:11:41.000 And only recently were they like, she can come back. 0.99

00:11:44.000 Because my face is on the side of the fucking building. 0.99

00:11:46.000 Oh, you can come back now? 0.99

00:11:47.000 Yeah.

00:11:47.000 Do you come back?

00:11:48.000 I did one show back.

00:11:49.000 Did you?

00:11:50.000 Did you see Jamie?

00:11:51.000 No.

00:11:52.000 I said, I go, he doesn't need to apologize, but I'm walking in with my head held high and I'm doing my set.

00:11:58.000 I'm not like, everybody was super cool, he's not there, because he farms it out now to other bookers.

00:12:03.000 Yeah.

00:12:04.000 Did he put your video up on YouTube?

00:12:06.000 Did he film your set without your knowledge?

00:12:08.000 I told Brian Monarch, I go, I'm going, because I'm doing another show there too.

00:12:12.000 I go, I'm going, if you film me, I will have a Kramer conversation.

00:12:15.000 Moment.

00:12:16.000 Like, I will flip out on you in an epic way.

00:12:21.000 Like, it is a non-negotiable thing.

00:12:23.000 So they said no.

00:12:24.000 I talked to Bill about this.

00:12:25.000 He goes, nah, they don't do that.

00:12:26.000 If you ask them, they don't put your video up.

00:12:28.000 I go, yeah?

00:12:29.000 I go, look for your videos. 0.99

00:12:31.000 We're in the fucking green room of the Ice House. 1.00

00:12:34.000 And he goes, What the fuck? 1.00

00:12:38.000 It's like old comedy, too. 1.00

00:12:40.000 Well, it doesn't matter.

00:12:41.000 I mean, Chappelle, that's one of the reasons why Chappelle won't go there. 0.98

00:12:44.000 He went there just to work out, and this is when he was not doing shows and not doing specials, and they put all his shit online. 0.96

00:12:51.000 No asking him, no nothing. 0.90

00:12:54.000 I think that they've got new management there or whatever, but it's...

00:12:58.000 It trickled down from the top.

00:13:00.000 Oh, for sure. 0.99

00:13:01.000 There's no way anybody's just recording people on their own and putting it on the fucking internet. 0.97

00:13:07.000 No, they know that it's not cool and they're doing it anyway. 0.96

00:13:10.000 I also...

00:13:11.000 Yeah.

00:13:12.000 For people who don't know how comedy works, we need to work out. 0.96

00:13:16.000 If Eliza comes up with a bit tonight and works on it tonight, if someone records it and films it and puts it online, that bit's fucked. 1.00

00:13:25.000 Because that bit's not done. 0.98

00:13:26.000 That bit's a baby.

00:13:27.000 You're being judged on that bit.

00:13:29.000 It would be like anything if you were an athlete and you went to a workout and they're like, well, you can't make the team.

00:13:33.000 You're like, well, I'm still working out.

00:13:34.000 I'm going to get bigger.

00:13:36.000 It's not even just that.

00:13:37.000 It's like eating a half-baked cake.

00:13:39.000 Yeah, it's just...

00:13:41.000 The premise is cooked. 0.98

00:13:43.000 You fucked the premise up. 0.94

00:13:44.000 Now it's out there. 0.55

00:13:46.000 It's tricky because we rely on live audiences.

00:13:50.000 Thankfully, the vast majority of people that come to comedy clubs, particularly in LA, are really cool.

00:13:57.000 We have no problems with this.

00:13:59.000 It's not an issue.

00:14:00.000 But this is a thing that we need...

00:14:04.000 And because everyone has a recording device now, it used to be difficult to bring a recording device into a comedy club.

00:14:10.000 Now everyone has them by default on their phone.

00:14:13.000 My favorite thing is, I understand if you're Dave Chappelle and you're like, I need your phone zipped up because this is sacred material.

00:14:22.000 We all have our material that we need to make money off of.

00:14:24.000 Some comics are bigger than others.

00:14:25.000 My favorite is when shitty comics are like, we need your phones taken away. 0.55

00:14:29.000 I'm like, nobody's checking for your act. 0.87

00:14:31.000 Nobody's taking your act. 1.00

00:14:32.000 Unless you say something stupid. 1.00

00:14:33.000 Yeah, there's that. 1.00

00:14:34.000 Then they'll try to ruin your career with it.

00:14:36.000 Should be a social contract.

00:14:37.000 The improv does that with every show.

00:14:39.000 I love that.

00:14:39.000 And by the way, I'm there this Friday night, 10.30.

00:14:41.000 Just announced it.

00:14:42.000 Just put it up online.

00:14:44.000 I'm also there this week, but I don't have my phone with me.

00:14:46.000 I'm just doing 15 minutes.

00:14:48.000 But that, to me, I think it slows it down at the improv.

00:14:52.000 Yeah, it does.

00:14:53.000 It does slow it down.

00:14:53.000 I've never been worried about that.

00:14:54.000 But it also makes people more aware. 0.99

00:14:56.000 They're just not checking their goddamn phone all the time. 0.90

00:14:59.000 One of my favorite shows that I ever did when I was doing that, when I prepare for my Netflix special the last couple months before, I did all my shows with these phone bags. 0.99

00:15:07.000 It gets to be a pain in the ass, especially when you're doing giant places. 0.88

00:15:10.000 But in Miami is the best. 0.99

00:15:12.000 Because Miami...

00:15:13.000 Everyone is doing coke and no one is paying attention to anything and they're all looking at their phones constantly.

00:15:18.000 So you could use your phone, but you had to leave the building to use your phone.

00:15:23.000 So everyone was getting up and going out and coming down and coming in.

00:15:27.000 So during the show, it was just constant people coming in and sitting down.

00:15:32.000 The only place, out of all the places I did, Miami was the only place where people were constantly getting up and sitting down.

00:15:37.000 Not even aware that you're doing a performance.

00:15:40.000 They're like, we don't care.

00:15:41.000 Well, Miami's just crazy.

00:15:43.000 It's its own thing. 0.56

00:15:44.000 Yeah, it's another country.

00:15:45.000 It really is.

00:15:46.000 It's wild.

00:15:47.000 It's fun.

00:15:47.000 It's a great place to visit.

00:15:48.000 I love Miami.

00:15:49.000 I love the food.

00:15:50.000 I love the people.

00:15:51.000 I love the attitude down there.

00:15:53.000 But it's just, it's not the best place to perform.

00:15:55.000 You said that to me in an airport once.

00:15:57.000 I remember everything you say.

00:15:59.000 You said that to me.

00:16:00.000 Now I feel bad repeating it, but we were in an airport and you were going to Miami.

00:16:04.000 I was going somewhere else and you were like, if you want to starve to death, open a library in Miami.

00:16:10.000 Open a bookstore.

00:16:11.000 Open a bookstore!

00:16:12.000 Because I remember thinking, well, no one makes money off a library.

00:16:14.000 You said that.

00:16:15.000 And I always remember you said that.

00:16:16.000 I've only played Miami proper once.

00:16:19.000 But I always play like Fort Lauderdale and all the things around it.

00:16:22.000 I used to do the improv with Joey Diaz.

00:16:23.000 We used to go down and do that improv down there in Coconut Grove. 0.99

00:16:26.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:16:27.000 It was a battleground. 1.00

00:16:29.000 All the Florida clubs.

00:16:30.000 And I love Joel Bashkoff with all of my heart.

00:16:33.000 Some of these, like West Palm Beach.

00:16:35.000 I'm there.

00:16:36.000 Five sold-out shows for Valentine's Day.

00:16:38.000 Nobody's laughing.

00:16:39.000 I'm like...

00:16:39.000 Why did you come?

00:16:41.000 Like, these tickets cost you money.

00:16:42.000 And it's just...

00:16:43.000 And then people are like, oh, we did love it.

00:16:45.000 It's the weirdest.

00:16:46.000 You're pulling from the polar ends of every demographic to comprise a Florida audience.

00:16:52.000 Well, they all escape to Florida from somewhere else.

00:16:55.000 The people that are born and raised there are like, whoa. 1.00

00:16:57.000 That being said, Tampa and Orlando, fucking fire. 0.99

00:17:00.000 Like awesome. 1.00

00:17:01.000 I wonder why that is.

00:17:02.000 Maybe it's a coastal thing.

00:17:03.000 Orlando is a lot of people visiting too.

00:17:05.000 Yeah.

00:17:06.000 Orlando is like Disneyland, Universal.

00:17:09.000 That's a giant part of Orlando is people that are visiting.

00:17:14.000 Yeah.

00:17:14.000 And I always liked Tampa.

00:17:15.000 It was always cool.

00:17:17.000 I remember playing the Jacksonville Comedy Zone.

00:17:20.000 I like West Palm.

00:17:21.000 I've always had a good time at West Palm.

00:17:22.000 I had a good time because I made a lot of money and everybody was nice, but I remember thinking, like, this is like blood from a stone.

00:17:28.000 Really?

00:17:29.000 And it was like Valentine's Day weekend. 1.00

00:17:31.000 I mean, there's a bunch of dudes that get dragged there by their fucking wives. 1.00

00:17:34.000 They're like... 1.00

00:17:35.000 It's a...

00:17:35.000 I always make that joke.

00:17:37.000 You're never in the room.

00:17:39.000 Or it'll be in the main room.

00:17:40.000 And there's always dudes.

00:17:41.000 You can tell the dudes that are there for Marc Maron and the dudes that are there for Rogan.

00:17:45.000 Because there's just a different...

00:17:46.000 There's two different types of dudes.

00:17:48.000 And I always make a joke.

00:17:49.000 Like if something doesn't...

00:17:50.000 I'm like...

00:17:50.000 Every guy's like, yeah, where's Rogan?

00:17:53.000 That's why I showed up.

00:17:54.000 What's she doing here?

00:17:54.000 Where's Rogan?

00:17:55.000 And they always laugh.

00:17:56.000 Because they're like friendly apes.

00:17:58.000 Right?

00:17:59.000 They're friendly apes.

00:18:00.000 But you can tell the guys that are there for you.

00:18:02.000 The guys are there for Marin, you can tell because they're by themselves.

00:18:06.000 I was going to say, they were all in flannel.

00:18:08.000 Someone told me he had the highest number ever of single tickets sold in all these different venues.

00:18:16.000 I always encourage...

00:18:17.000 By the way, I like Mark.

00:18:18.000 Of course you do.

00:18:19.000 I love...

00:18:19.000 He's an odd duck.

00:18:20.000 We're both in a movie coming out together.

00:18:22.000 Oh yeah?

00:18:22.000 What is it?

00:18:22.000 It's called Wonderland.

00:18:23.000 It's a Mark Wahlberg, Winston Duke, Peter Berg movie.

00:18:26.000 I feel like you and Peter Berg are friends.

00:18:28.000 I like that guy, yeah.

00:18:29.000 Yeah, you guys are the same vibration.

00:18:30.000 And we're in a movie together, and he plays a reporter, and I play...

00:18:35.000 Love interest, I'm reticent to say.

00:18:37.000 He was great in The Joker.

00:18:39.000 He's great.

00:18:40.000 That Joker movie was oof.

00:18:41.000 I always encourage people.

00:18:42.000 They're always like, you know, you get a DM like, I don't want to go to your show alone.

00:18:45.000 I'm like, come alone.

00:18:46.000 It's a dark room.

00:18:47.000 Nobody's going to ever make fun.

00:18:49.000 And you make, at least in my shows, you make friends.

00:18:52.000 Yeah.

00:18:52.000 Because everybody wants to feel good.

00:18:54.000 It's okay.

00:18:54.000 Bring your dog.

00:18:55.000 Come along.

00:18:56.000 I've talked to people like that too.

00:18:57.000 Is it lame to come to your show alone?

00:18:59.000 Just come, man.

00:19:00.000 Who cares?

00:19:00.000 Go to the movies by yourself.

00:19:02.000 The cool thing about groups of people going to see things is that you're feeding off the vibe of all the people there.

00:19:08.000 It's not just the people you came with.

00:19:10.000 It's an experience.

00:19:10.000 It's not virtual reality.

00:19:12.000 You're with people.

00:19:13.000 It's an experience and you're there.

00:19:14.000 And by the way, how bad of a comic am I if people are noticing an audience member alone?

00:19:19.000 Yeah.

00:19:19.000 Like if that's the focus.

00:19:21.000 Well, the only problem would be like a place like the store, they'd have to sit somebody at your table because every place is like a two top or a three.

00:19:27.000 But then it looks like you're with them.

00:19:28.000 That's right.

00:19:29.000 And when I come to pick on you, then we'll know.

00:19:32.000 Yeah, then we'll know.

00:19:33.000 Then it'll be a show.

00:19:34.000 The ones by themselves, they always seat them.

00:19:36.000 I don't know if they asked for it in the OR. They always seat them in the front.

00:19:39.000 So I was like, I'm just here alone.

00:19:41.000 I'm like, that's cool, but it's weird.

00:19:43.000 You're right in the front.

00:19:43.000 Well, that's because it's easy to do, right?

00:19:45.000 Because it's not a table.

00:19:46.000 It's a bar.

00:19:47.000 The front part is just a bar.

00:19:49.000 It's a long line, a large table.

00:19:55.000 You're next to someone.

00:19:56.000 You could easily be right next to someone you have no idea who they are.

00:19:58.000 I can always tell where the line is.

00:20:00.000 I can tell who's together.

00:20:02.000 Shapes go with different shapes.

00:20:04.000 And you can tell where that line is.

00:20:06.000 I'm like, you're a school shooter.

00:20:07.000 You're sitting alone.

00:20:09.000 These two are together. 0.99

00:20:10.000 The OR is the fucking ultimate university for comedy. 0.99

00:20:14.000 You learn so much about whether your act sucks or where your act's at, whether or not it's getting better. 0.99

00:20:22.000 We're so lucky.

00:20:23.000 I think about that sometimes when I think about living somewhere else, because I do want to live somewhere else.

00:20:27.000 And I probably never totally live somewhere else.

00:20:30.000 I'll probably keep a place here always.

00:20:31.000 Because I feel like there's something about being able to go to the store. 0.96

00:20:35.000 It's so goddamn powerful. 0.73

00:20:37.000 It's like we're so fortunate that we all work together. 0.96

00:20:41.000 And on any given show, it would be you and me and Delia and Whitney and Joey Diaz and Callan. 0.99

00:20:48.000 It's like fucking god damn, we're so lucky. 0.99

00:20:51.000 Yes! 1.00

00:20:51.000 We're so fucking lucky. 1.00

00:20:53.000 Bird drops in. 0.99

00:20:55.000 There's always on the lineup, there's always a dense, murderous chunk.

00:20:59.000 And I think to myself, wow, I'm so proud to post these lineups because these are the comics that people want to see.

00:21:06.000 This is special for them.

00:21:07.000 And this dangerous, weird energy place is our home.

00:21:11.000 And other comics, people are very intimidated by the store, which I totally get because there's a dark energy there.

00:21:17.000 But I always feel like I'm part of the Addams family.

00:21:19.000 I'm like, yeah, but that dark castle is my home.

00:21:21.000 Yeah.

00:21:22.000 Well, it's a tight-knit group of humans, you know?

00:21:25.000 We're all real close to each other in a weird way.

00:21:27.000 In a weird way, but I've never...

00:21:29.000 Like, I'll never go to Brian Callen's house.

00:21:32.000 Never?

00:21:33.000 Like, I don't know where you live.

00:21:35.000 Like, not never, but, like, we're close.

00:21:37.000 Right.

00:21:37.000 And I love seeing you guys, but, like...

00:21:40.000 But outside of that, for some of us, I mean, I think it just depends. 0.98

00:21:43.000 Yeah, I think we spend enough time with each other at the fucking store. 0.98

00:21:46.000 I get excited. 0.99

00:21:46.000 I go on the road with a lot of guys, you know, so that's different. 0.99

00:21:50.000 Because when you're on the road together, you really like family.

00:21:52.000 You know, like if I'm on the road with Diaz or Ari or Hinchcliffe or any of those guys, like, you know, we eat together, we work out together, we're just bullshitting together, we're walking to the mall together and hanging out.

00:22:03.000 Like, it's all, we're together all day.

00:22:05.000 And you have systems in place.

00:22:07.000 There's like a comfort.

00:22:08.000 You bring your friends because there's a trust there.

00:22:12.000 There's a shorthand.

00:22:13.000 My feature is Hunter Hill.

00:22:15.000 Do you know Hunter?

00:22:16.000 No, I don't.

00:22:16.000 He's huge.

00:22:18.000 And he's so funny.

00:22:19.000 And it's like...

00:22:20.000 I'm so proud to be able to be at a place in my career where I can...

00:22:27.000 Yeah.

00:22:42.000 The right way to tour and the right way to treat a comedy club waitress and the right way to speak to your tour.

00:22:49.000 There's so many shitty comics out there that do things wrong and I very early on decided these are the rules that I want to tour with and this is how I want to treat people.

00:22:56.000 And you pass that on.

00:22:57.000 Other comics learn from older comics.

00:22:59.000 Yeah, that's the only way we learn about everything, really, right?

00:23:02.000 We've been talking about this a lot lately, that there's nothing written down by people like us, by, like, legitimate established comedians with specials who headline all over the country and the world.

00:23:13.000 There's nothing written down by us.

00:23:15.000 Because there's no rules.

00:23:16.000 It's all so fluid.

00:23:17.000 But even that, just that fact.

00:23:20.000 I feel like there's a book out there that should be written, and it should probably be done by us, where we kind of just talk about how everyone has a different process, everyone's got a different way of doing it, because young comics, I mean, there's a lot of wasted energy trying to figure out how to do it,

00:23:40.000 and no one can really figure out how to do it themselves until they just have experience and do it, but I want to know how you write.

00:23:49.000 What do you do when you have a premise?

00:23:50.000 How do you grow up?

00:23:51.000 Do you do it different than D'Elia does it?

00:23:53.000 Do you do it different than Diaz does it?

00:23:54.000 How does Bill start his set?

00:23:57.000 When he throws away all his material because he just filmed a special, how does he start new?

00:24:02.000 What do you do?

00:24:03.000 And also, by the way, you can read all about the people that read about comedy and then think that's the way to do it.

00:24:09.000 You won't know till you go.

00:24:11.000 And that's why when I, you know, I had somebody reach out to me recently.

00:24:14.000 They're like, I'm getting up pretty regularly, getting laughs pretty regularly.

00:24:17.000 I'm like, the key is pretty regularly.

00:24:19.000 It has to be regularly.

00:24:21.000 Yeah, but it's pretty regularly.

00:24:22.000 Right.

00:24:23.000 And I'm like, this is a commitment.

00:24:24.000 This is a craft.

00:24:25.000 This is a passion.

00:24:25.000 This isn't a hobby.

00:24:26.000 If you want it to be a hobby, you're going to get hobbyist results.

00:24:30.000 That's a good way of putting it.

00:24:31.000 And so you've got to put everything in because it's the only way you know how to operate.

00:24:34.000 But just because I write a certain way doesn't mean that works for you.

00:24:38.000 Like, I don't write anything down.

00:24:39.000 Some people...

00:24:40.000 I remember one comic had a recipe box of jokes.

00:24:43.000 And he would go through and each one was categorized.

00:24:46.000 Is that insane?

00:24:47.000 For sure.

00:24:47.000 Was he good?

00:24:48.000 No.

00:24:48.000 But everybody's got their way that they do it.

00:24:52.000 And if it works, it works.

00:24:54.000 It's not, you know...

00:24:56.000 You can't knock it.

00:24:57.000 Yeah, I think that everyone has their own way, for sure.

00:25:00.000 And I think you can learn from other people's ways and maybe try them out.

00:25:05.000 And also you've got to realize that someone like you who's been doing it forever and doesn't write anything down, that's very different than someone who's just starting out who doesn't write anything down. 0.99

00:25:13.000 Like, you should probably write some shit down. 0.97

00:25:15.000 Yeah, a couple key words. 0.99

00:25:17.000 Something.

00:25:17.000 Yeah, and record your sets.

00:25:19.000 Fuck. 0.99

00:25:20.000 But the thing about it is that the consequences, like, if you really want to make it as a comic, you must literally dedicate your life to it, particularly in the beginning. 1.00

00:25:30.000 Like, you have to.

00:25:31.000 I was talking about this the other day.

00:25:33.000 I was like...

00:25:34.000 Because so many people do comedy now.

00:25:37.000 Even Les did it when you started.

00:25:39.000 And so many people do it now.

00:25:42.000 And there's so many avenues for comedy.

00:25:44.000 So many different ways you can do it.

00:25:46.000 So many more opportunities.

00:25:48.000 I really give the people that do it now, that are starting now, credit.

00:25:51.000 Because if I just decided I wanted to start comedy now, it would seem insurmountable.

00:25:56.000 Just how intimidating it is.

00:25:59.000 Everybody's in UCB. Everybody does stand-up.

00:26:01.000 I feel that way about podcasts, too, though.

00:26:04.000 You know, I always tell people to do podcasts. 0.96

00:26:06.000 I'm like, just fucking do it. 0.88

00:26:07.000 If you can figure out how to do it, it's an amazing way to make a living. 0.99

00:26:11.000 And so many people can do it.

00:26:13.000 It's like anything else, like comedy, like anything else.

00:26:16.000 You just start it and do it.

00:26:18.000 But there's so many people doing it now. 0.84

00:26:20.000 I mean, the numbers are fucking astonishing. 0.87

00:26:23.000 There's no litmus test for like what's decent. 0.62

00:26:25.000 But if you're good, I really feel like even though there's 700,000 podcasts, if you have something that's unique and interesting and you build something...

00:26:33.000 People will find it.

00:26:34.000 The cream rises at the top and that's with comedy too.

00:26:37.000 You know, go, do your set, don't blame anyone else.

00:26:41.000 Put in the work. 0.55

00:26:42.000 There's nobody out there who's fucking awesome that isn't making steps toward being undeniable. 0.92

00:26:50.000 There's nobody out there that's a brilliant comic and it's like, yeah, nobody will give me stage time. 0.91

00:26:54.000 It's been that way for a decade.

00:26:56.000 If you are good, people will support you.

00:26:58.000 A lot of people won't, but you have to just move in that direction.

00:27:02.000 And even if you are that shitty comic that we were talking about at the beginning, don't let us be the ones to tell you no.

00:27:07.000 Don't you feel like in this day and age, though, comics are way more supportive of each other than when you started?

00:27:12.000 Yeah.

00:27:13.000 And I'm at a different level now, so I don't...

00:27:17.000 It's weird.

00:27:18.000 I was thinking about the comic store.

00:27:19.000 When you start there, you're like a freshman.

00:27:21.000 And now you can become an upperclassman.

00:27:23.000 And the upperclassmen stay upperclassmen.

00:27:25.000 Like you were an upperclassman when I started.

00:27:27.000 But now I'm also an upperclassman.

00:27:29.000 And these people go from being people you look up to to being your colleagues.

00:27:34.000 And among successful comics, it's less cutthroat.

00:27:38.000 And I think because of the pendulum shift in our society, people are a little bit kinder or whatever.

00:27:42.000 But all that toxic...

00:27:51.000 We've got a lady doorman. 1.00

00:27:56.000 It's a crazy place now.

00:27:58.000 And Adam, I think, to his credit, Kind of is responsible for a chunk of that shift.

00:28:01.000 100%.

00:28:02.000 And I think the resurgence of our audience is, I would say, in large part due to you and your podcast and Maren and his podcast.

00:28:10.000 Brett Ernst said this to me a while ago and I agreed with it. 0.99

00:28:13.000 He was like, podcast, people hear it, then they come to the store and it's become more of a destination.

00:28:17.000 Because for a while, the store was like, whatever.

00:28:19.000 Well, there was a prelude to that when Pauly Shore had his show.

00:28:23.000 I remember that.

00:28:23.000 Remember you had Minding the Store?

00:28:24.000 I was in high school.

00:28:25.000 Yeah.

00:28:25.000 Well, when he had Minding the Store, I was at the store, and I remember there was this giant crowd in the front bar.

00:28:32.000 And I was like, what is going on?

00:28:34.000 And Pauly was out there, and people were like, well, the show Minding the Store has really jumped up the amount of people coming.

00:28:41.000 It didn't last.

00:28:43.000 You know, the show didn't last either, but there was an impact.

00:28:46.000 And I remember the impact.

00:28:47.000 I remember going, oh, that's crazy.

00:28:48.000 Yeah.

00:28:49.000 Look how many people watch this show.

00:28:51.000 All of a sudden, the Comedy Store became this destination.

00:28:54.000 But now when you think about podcasts, this one, this is going to be heard and seen by millions of people.

00:28:59.000 And the other ones that we've done have also been.

00:29:02.000 We've done fucking how many comics on podcasts? 0.66

00:29:05.000 Hundreds of them. 0.96

00:29:06.000 All those are like a free advertisement for the greatest spot on earth for stand-up.

00:29:10.000 Yeah, and you get to set your spots and people come and they just want to be part of it.

00:29:13.000 I was in a novelty store in Sweden.

00:29:16.000 I was buying a plate with a cartoon chicken on it.

00:29:19.000 And this really cute guy.

00:29:21.000 Because I like little things.

00:29:23.000 It was like, I got it from my assistant.

00:29:24.000 It had like a tchotchke. 0.99

00:29:27.000 And the guy, who obviously, it wasn't his dream job, just like a dude.

00:29:30.000 And I was talking and he was like, I've heard you on Joe Rogan.

00:29:34.000 And I was like, I'm in Sweden in like a girly plate shop. 0.68

00:29:37.000 And here's this dude who probably like fucking loves MMA and you and recognize my voice across the world in like the weirdest little plate store. 0.66

00:29:45.000 And I was like, that's the power of comedy. 0.96

00:29:46.000 Like it reaches that far.

00:29:48.000 And you get to tour.

00:29:50.000 Like I got to go on tour.

00:29:51.000 I got to go to Malaysia to do comedy.

00:29:53.000 What was that like? 0.99

00:29:55.000 Fucking lit. 0.98

00:29:58.000 I did this whole Asia tour and I was like, Malaysia is of all the countries I did because I did Hong Kong and I did Japan and there was one more and I'm blanking on it. 0.99

00:30:09.000 Oh, Singapore.

00:30:10.000 And of all of them, I had not been to Malaysia.

00:30:12.000 I'd been to the others and I had less context for Malaysia.

00:30:14.000 I knew some of my clothing was made there and I knew that we ship a lot of our recycling there or try to.

00:30:20.000 But I had no context.

00:30:21.000 And it's interesting because you're there and everyone is in a hijab and they're Asian.

00:30:25.000 So that's like...

00:30:26.000 You don't see that a ton.

00:30:27.000 Really?

00:30:27.000 Yeah, because they're all Muslim.

00:30:28.000 Muslim Asians.

00:30:30.000 Do they look like Asian, like Japanese or Chinese? 0.75

00:30:32.000 Yeah, like Asian. 0.99

00:30:33.000 Wow.

00:30:34.000 And they were...

00:30:37.000 The crowd was on fire.

00:30:38.000 I thought it was going to be super conservative and weird.

00:30:40.000 I made fun of the Chinese a little bit.

00:30:42.000 They were like, yes! 0.96

00:30:43.000 And they just went nuts.

00:30:44.000 And they were awesome.

00:30:45.000 And I just remember thinking, and some people are expats, but a lot of them were just full-on Malaysian. 1.00

00:30:51.000 And it's all because of Netflix.

00:30:53.000 And I was like, it's so special to have your comedy.

00:30:56.000 I'm going to go tour in Russia.

00:30:58.000 Like, places that you have no real context for are feeling your heart and they're understanding what you're saying and it's resonating with people that are nothing like you.

00:31:06.000 You're going to tour in Russia?

00:31:07.000 Yeah.

00:31:07.000 Whoa.

00:31:08.000 That's heavy.

00:31:09.000 I'm going to Europe.

00:31:09.000 Like, it's just cool.

00:31:11.000 And then they know other comics.

00:31:13.000 Right.

00:31:13.000 Like, they know who you are.

00:31:14.000 They know who other people...

00:31:16.000 And it's just...

00:31:16.000 It's this, like, language.

00:31:18.000 It's this community that you and I are members of and people all want to be part of it.

00:31:22.000 Right.

00:31:23.000 Because people want to feel seen and heard, and that comedy validates that weird voice in your head.

00:31:28.000 And it lets you know that you're not alone, and for so many people that feel alone, it's so powerful to feel like you're being seen and that somebody understands you.

00:31:37.000 And that's why it's so important to have so many different kinds of comedy, different shapes and colors, just so people can choose who they resonate with.

00:31:44.000 I'm never going to be able to reach everyone, and that's okay.

00:31:48.000 Yeah, of course.

00:31:50.000 Touring in Rush is going to be a trip.

00:31:53.000 Schultz just did that.

00:31:54.000 I'm going to ask Bert Kreischer for tips.

00:31:56.000 Did Bert work over there?

00:31:57.000 No, but the whole machine thing.

00:31:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:31:59.000 He'll tell you how to get drunk on a train.

00:32:01.000 Yeah.

00:32:02.000 Bert can tell you how to get drunk anywhere.

00:32:03.000 I got a letter today.

00:32:04.000 I'm going to Vietnam and it was in bold.

00:32:07.000 And I've been to Vietnam before like for funsies, but it was in bold and it was like this like written out like imprisonment will be issued.

00:32:16.000 There will be no jokes about do not mention Vietnam War, Vietnam, like all these things.

00:32:20.000 And I legit was like, I do mention the Vietnam War.

00:32:23.000 So just please remind me day before not to have that one joke.

00:32:27.000 It's not a joke about the Vietnam War.

00:32:28.000 I just it's in there as part of the setup.

00:32:31.000 But some countries, like you do military shows, they have a no burden list.

00:32:35.000 There's certain things you can't say when you do a military show.

00:32:38.000 You can't make drug jokes, please don't make fun of the president, which I get. 0.99

00:32:42.000 And some countries are like, no fucking joke, do not say it, you're dead. 0.98

00:32:46.000 So they wouldn't let you joke about Vietnam. 0.99

00:32:48.000 I got it this morning.

00:32:49.000 Sorry about all that.

00:32:51.000 I feel like I could, but then try explaining context to someone that just wants you in jail.

00:32:56.000 I was going to China, I did Hong Kong, and I had Beijing, and they canceled it to honor, so random, the Tiananmen Square massacre, which of course should have been honored prior, but it wasn't.

00:33:07.000 And they canceled all comedy, not that there was a ton across the land.

00:33:11.000 But they canceled it.

00:33:15.000 And it's just a thing where we're very lucky in this country.

00:33:18.000 You can say whatever you want.

00:33:20.000 Your rights end at your neighbor's nose.

00:33:21.000 But that freedom is totally not to be taken for granted.

00:33:25.000 And other countries are aware of our freedom, too. 0.99

00:33:27.000 And I wonder how long they're going to keep the bullshit up in places like China. 1.00

00:33:31.000 I wonder how long they're going to be able to do that. 0.99

00:33:32.000 Because you see what's happening in Hong Kong, where Hong Kong is rebelling against the Chinese rule.

00:33:37.000 I was there!

00:33:37.000 When those protests were happening, we had to move the hotel because it was in this civic area.

00:33:42.000 I think it was on Kowloon Bay or something.

00:33:45.000 And I'll be a thousand percent honest, it was so congested and busy there.

00:33:49.000 But if I didn't know there were protests going on, I wouldn't have known.

00:33:53.000 And now it's probably grown a lot, but it's ongoing.

00:33:56.000 Those people, they got a message and they are not backing down.

00:33:59.000 They're not backing down.

00:34:00.000 What's incredible is it's been going on for months and months and months.

00:34:02.000 It's like a new activity.

00:34:04.000 People are just in the streets.

00:34:05.000 But a lot of people have been shot on video, you know, by cops.

00:34:08.000 And we just watch it.

00:34:10.000 I mean, and it's like, it just happens and it's not a big deal.

00:34:13.000 It's insane.

00:34:14.000 But we definitely have these social liberties and I don't take it for granted.

00:34:18.000 And then part of me is like, okay, some venues are big, some venues are small.

00:34:22.000 If I make a joke that you don't like, is that going to be run up the flagpole?

00:34:26.000 I don't want to take the chance.

00:34:27.000 I know.

00:34:29.000 It's so interesting.

00:34:30.000 We're at such a strange tipping point culturally in this country and worldwide.

00:34:38.000 England just had their big elections.

00:34:41.000 Jeremy Corbyn lost, but he did a video where he was saying how he's running for president or whatever it is, prime minister.

00:34:49.000 What is it over there?

00:34:49.000 Prime Minister.

00:34:50.000 I'm watching The Crown. 1.00

00:34:51.000 He said his fucking pronouns. 1.00

00:34:53.000 He said my pronouns are him, he. 1.00

00:34:55.000 Okay, can I just put this out there?

00:34:57.000 I'm super pro trans.

00:34:59.000 I'm pro fluid sexuality. 1.00

00:35:01.000 If you are a straight male, we know your fucking pronouns are him, he. 0.99

00:35:05.000 Well, even if you're a gay male, if you're a gay male, your pronouns could be he, him, too. 0.99

00:35:11.000 If your pronouns are something, or what it looks like you are, I don't think you need to, to me that feels very white nighty. 0.99

00:35:18.000 He has a fucking beard. 0.99

00:35:19.000 It's 100% white nighty. 1.00

00:35:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:35:21.000 It was very cringey, and I think a lot of people are like, there's like some borderline people are like, fuck this guy with this he, him shit. 1.00

00:35:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:35:28.000 Your pronouns.

00:35:28.000 You want to say him, they, Z, whatever?

00:35:32.000 Great.

00:35:32.000 He, him, when you're he, him.

00:35:34.000 Hmm.

00:35:35.000 It's just such a thing, a ploy.

00:35:39.000 My pronouns are he, him.

00:35:40.000 Like, oh no you didn't! 1.00

00:35:42.000 You fuck, you're 60 years old! 1.00

00:35:44.000 You stop this! 1.00

00:35:45.000 It's such a valid thing for other people and then it makes people eye roll just a little bit.

00:35:50.000 And then I think it takes away from the plight, the genuine cause of the trans community. 0.96

00:35:55.000 Yeah.

00:35:56.000 Which, fully supportive of.

00:35:58.000 Yeah, if you want to be called she or her, fine.

00:36:02.000 I identify.

00:36:03.000 I'm not down with the made-up words. 1.00

00:36:04.000 The made-up words can all go fuck themselves. 1.00

00:36:06.000 The zur and zeigs. 1.00

00:36:08.000 Well, also, you wouldn't know unless someone told you.

00:36:11.000 Like, don't get mad at me for not innately knowing that I should have said blee.

00:36:14.000 You should have asked.

00:36:15.000 You should have asked the pronouns.

00:36:16.000 No, you gotta tell me.

00:36:17.000 No, no, you have to ask.

00:36:19.000 That's the new rule.

00:36:20.000 You must comply.

00:36:21.000 I'm really bad at asking questions.

00:36:23.000 Oh.

00:36:23.000 Like, someone will be like, how was your day?

00:36:25.000 I'm like, great.

00:36:25.000 And I talk, and I always have to remind myself like, and how was your boring day?

00:36:30.000 Because there's no punchlines in this answer.

00:36:33.000 People ask me, and I always assume they're just interested, and then I realize they're making small talk.

00:36:36.000 I should return the fire.

00:36:39.000 But I don't.

00:36:40.000 No, ear beatings are the worst.

00:36:41.000 When someone comes over and just starts rattling off about how their day was, and there's nothing there.

00:36:46.000 Nothing.

00:36:46.000 And then I went to try to find a lighter, but you know how hard it is to find a lighter?

00:36:50.000 And then I went to this store, there was no lighter.

00:36:52.000 And I was like, do you know where I can get a lighter?

00:36:54.000 The other day, somebody was talking to me and the words came out like a burp.

00:36:58.000 I couldn't stop it.

00:36:59.000 I just went, stop telling me, stop talking.

00:37:03.000 So you can do what I did to that guy.

00:37:05.000 I was very comfortable with that person.

00:37:07.000 Stop talking.

00:37:08.000 Oh, you were comfortable.

00:37:10.000 It wasn't a stranger.

00:37:11.000 That's the difference.

00:37:11.000 No.

00:37:12.000 Sometimes you gotta give people a minute.

00:37:14.000 They're not as verbally accurate.

00:37:17.000 But yeah.

00:37:19.000 But yeah.

00:37:21.000 As we both take a look.

00:37:22.000 So Malaysia is, where is it on the map?

00:37:26.000 What's it near?

00:37:26.000 It's next to Singapore.

00:37:27.000 It's like Singapore's younger, I guess Singapore's the younger brother. 0.98

00:37:30.000 Singapore has a lot of expats, right?

00:37:32.000 A lot of expats, a lot of money.

00:37:33.000 It's very sterile.

00:37:35.000 Sterile?

00:37:35.000 It's not like a party, but they have a lot of money.

00:37:38.000 There's some crazy laws there, right? 0.99

00:37:39.000 If you fuck up, they'll cane you. 1.00

00:37:40.000 Remember the kid? 1.00

00:37:41.000 Yes.

00:37:41.000 That was our introduction to Singapore as white America.

00:37:45.000 That kid's got scars on his ass to this day. 1.00

00:37:47.000 Well, here's a fucking rule. 1.00

00:37:49.000 Don't go to another country and break their law and think it's cool because you're American. 1.00

00:37:53.000 Right.

00:37:53.000 Like, I have such a healthy respect as a proud American.

00:37:57.000 I always want to represent well.

00:37:58.000 I talk about it in my act, so I'm not going to do the bit, but I really am cognizant of the fact that people in many cases look up to us and or are jealous of us.

00:38:06.000 And like with anybody, if you give them a reason to be like, what an American pig, and I don't, I will always show you that we are as good as we think we are.

00:38:14.000 That's what I always say about Hawaii. 0.98

00:38:16.000 People say, oh, if you go to Hawaii, they don't like white people. 1.00

00:38:19.000 I go, no, they don't like assholes. 1.00

00:38:21.000 They don't like assholes. 1.00

00:38:22.000 Don't litter. 1.00

00:38:23.000 Hawaii is one of the nicest places ever. 1.00

00:38:25.000 Do they have a problem with some white people that come over there and act like assholes? 1.00

00:38:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:38:30.000 But the general...

00:38:31.000 You're going to find racists everywhere. 0.99

00:38:33.000 Racists against black people, racists against Hawaiians, racists against... 0.99

00:38:38.000 White people, racists against Asians, you're gonna find that. 0.99

00:38:41.000 There's certain people that are just, they don't like others, right? 0.90

00:38:44.000 That's it.

00:38:45.000 It's just how it is. 0.99

00:38:46.000 But for the most part, Hawaii is cool as fuck. 0.98

00:38:49.000 They just want you to respect their land the way that they do. 0.99

00:38:52.000 Yes.

00:38:52.000 And I get it.

00:38:54.000 It's funny because my mom, anything, I'm like, I'm going to these countries.

00:38:58.000 She's like, don't walk around alone.

00:38:59.000 You're Jewish. 0.75

00:39:00.000 Be careful in Europe. 0.91

00:39:01.000 You're Jewish. 0.75

00:39:02.000 By the way, anti-Semitism is rampant, alive, alive.

00:39:05.000 And well, and horrific.

00:39:06.000 You don't look Jewish, though. 0.94

00:39:07.000 You could pull it off.

00:39:08.000 You don't look anti-Semitic.

00:39:10.000 Like, what does that mean? 0.83

00:39:10.000 You have a tiny little nose? 0.83

00:39:11.000 Well, I paid for it! 0.98

00:39:14.000 What was it like before you got it whacked?

00:39:16.000 Here!

00:39:17.000 No, it was just different.

00:39:18.000 It was like, you know...

00:39:19.000 Did you miss it ever?

00:39:20.000 My dad calls it the Chinsky hook. 1.00

00:39:22.000 Everyone in my family has this nose.

00:39:25.000 My nana, whose last name was Chinsky.

00:39:26.000 And it's just, my dad has it.

00:39:28.000 It looks great on a dude.

00:39:29.000 Not my favorite thing. 0.98

00:39:30.000 Dudes can have fucked up noses and it's kind of noble. 0.99

00:39:33.000 So my husband has like a big nose, right? 0.99

00:39:35.000 He's a handsome fella.

00:39:36.000 He loves you.

00:39:37.000 Half Italian, half Jewish.

00:39:39.000 And I said to him, because I'm like, this isn't my nose. 0.99

00:39:41.000 And if we have a baby, I'm like, and it's a girl and she's got that nose, she better be fucking great at basketball or brilliant. 0.99

00:39:49.000 Just get her nose fixed. 1.00

00:39:52.000 It would be her choice.

00:39:53.000 I would want her to think it was okay.

00:39:53.000 The thing is, your nose matches your face.

00:39:55.000 Like, if I didn't know you got your nose fixed, I would, yeah.

00:39:58.000 Well, sometimes, too, because I had one, you know, I look and I can spot one a mile away, like a nose job, and a lot of people have big noses and they get these scooped out things that don't fit their face because everybody wants, like, a cute little goyish nose.

00:40:12.000 Goyish.

00:40:13.000 And it doesn't fit.

00:40:13.000 If you're, like, if you've got, like, a long face and you have this scooped out nose, you can tell.

00:40:19.000 Like, if Ari got a little nose like yours, we'd be like, what in the fuck is going on with your face? 1.00

00:40:23.000 If any dude had a little elfin nose, but I have a small head, I have a small mouth, it's a syndrome, and I have a tiny nose now, but, uh, yeah, but that's it. 0.98

00:40:31.000 I think the blonde hair throws people off, too.

00:40:32.000 Can you smell as good as you used to be able to?

00:40:34.000 Yeah, I have...

00:40:35.000 Your nose holes are probably smaller, no?

00:40:37.000 My nostrils were always small.

00:40:39.000 I got one when I was 18, so, like, who remembers anything before that?

00:40:41.000 Right.

00:40:41.000 I have keen olfactory senses.

00:40:44.000 I can smell.

00:40:45.000 It's like a problem.

00:40:46.000 Like a wolf?

00:40:48.000 Like, if you had a cigarette yesterday, I would be able to tell you now.

00:40:50.000 Really?

00:40:51.000 It's a problem.

00:40:52.000 It makes it difficult for me.

00:40:53.000 Like, what is that one where people have sense, where loud noises upset them?

00:41:00.000 Yeah, I don't know the word, but I know what you're talking about.

00:41:02.000 Oh, what is it?

00:41:03.000 I have that with smells.

00:41:04.000 And it's difficult just around people and I'm constantly having, I'm constantly like being, like just mentally attaching things in places of smells.

00:41:13.000 Like I'm just having, not deja vu, but I'm always having an experience. 0.81

00:41:18.000 My nose used to be fucking useless until I got it fixed. 0.95

00:41:21.000 I feel like you've been hitting the nose so much. 0.99

00:41:23.000 That's the problem.

00:41:24.000 Everybody says they hit a deviated symptom.

00:41:25.000 I did have a deviated septum.

00:41:27.000 My nose is actually wider, I think, after the operation, because they stuffed some things.

00:41:32.000 I had to get these turbinates, they're called, cleaned up.

00:41:36.000 They had to cut the inside of my nose out, and it was also calcified.

00:41:40.000 Because, you know like cauliflower ear?

00:41:42.000 You know what that is? 0.97

00:41:42.000 When guys get fucked up ears from wrestling? 0.97

00:41:44.000 I squeeze it. 0.99

00:41:45.000 I had that inside my nose.

00:41:46.000 So the inside of my nose was all hard with a lot of people that had been hitting the nose.

00:41:53.000 And like scar tissue, it just...

00:41:54.000 It swells.

00:41:55.000 Well, what it is is when you have blood under the skin, the reason why you get calcium or the cauliflower ear, it's actually what happens is the blood calcifies.

00:42:04.000 The blood actually literally becomes a rock.

00:42:06.000 Right.

00:42:06.000 So like when you see cauliflower ear, like I've seen guys get their cauliflower ear broken off...

00:42:12.000 It snaps off.

00:42:13.000 Yeah, there's a video of this guy.

00:42:15.000 He loses his cauliflower ear.

00:42:16.000 See if you can find it, Jamie.

00:42:18.000 Just Google cauliflower ear falls on the map.

00:42:21.000 It's white.

00:42:22.000 It's white, like a white stone.

00:42:23.000 Like calcium.

00:42:24.000 It literally is calcium.

00:42:25.000 Sure.

00:42:25.000 Yeah, so that was inside my nose.

00:42:27.000 Oh my god. 0.99

00:42:27.000 So they had to open up my nose, you know, with fucking forceps and shit, and carve all this stuff out. 0.99

00:42:33.000 And then they had to shove these molds... 0.99

00:42:36.000 To form it.

00:42:37.000 Yeah, well, it's like foam, like a hard, soft, dense foam.

00:42:42.000 So look at that ear on the ground. 0.95

00:42:44.000 The whole thing.

00:42:44.000 But that's just the calcified part.

00:42:47.000 That's just the calcified, but it's all the skin attached to it as well.

00:42:49.000 I bet he was relieved.

00:42:51.000 Probably. 1.00

00:42:52.000 But guys like it, because it makes them feel like a fucking man. 1.00

00:42:55.000 Well, you can spot a fighter. 0.99

00:42:56.000 I'll see him in airports.

00:42:57.000 I mean, they're always also in sweatpants and sliders, but...

00:43:00.000 Yeah, that is Leslie Smith.

00:43:01.000 It doesn't go away. 0.99

00:43:02.000 She fought Jessica Ai and Jessica Ai fucked her ear up and to the point where her cauliflower ear broke off and you could see inside of her head. 1.00

00:43:10.000 Like her ear was hanging down. 1.00

00:43:11.000 You could look into her head.

00:43:13.000 It's hard to see from that picture.

00:43:14.000 That's not the best picture.

00:43:15.000 I mean, I'm cool.

00:43:16.000 You're cool with that?

00:43:17.000 I think about how sweaty my ears get in these headphones, so I can't imagine being punched in the ear repeatedly.

00:43:22.000 Well, I always wore headgear, always, from grappling.

00:43:25.000 That's why I don't have any cauliflower ear.

00:43:27.000 Well, so you're not...

00:43:28.000 I have, like, little tiny pieces, but nothing serious.

00:43:30.000 Do you love it?

00:43:30.000 Do you love that you have tiny pieces?

00:43:31.000 Yeah, tell everybody.

00:43:32.000 Look how badass I am. 1.00

00:43:33.000 Touch my fucking thick ear. 1.00

00:43:34.000 Feel it right there. 1.00

00:43:35.000 My rock-hard ear.

00:43:36.000 Little spot, little tiny spot.

00:43:38.000 Yeah.

00:43:38.000 Little bitty one.

00:43:39.000 I always ask if I can squeeze it, and they always say yes, and it's never as satisfying as I'd hoped it would be.

00:43:43.000 It's a rock.

00:43:44.000 Yeah, you want to squish it.

00:43:45.000 It's not cute.

00:43:46.000 Randy Couture told me he used to shove it in people's faces.

00:43:48.000 Like when he was wrestling, he used to get his ear and drive it into people's eye sockets.

00:43:52.000 Like that whole thing is a giant rock.

00:43:54.000 Well, props to him for having the precision in battle to be able to do that along with all the grappling.

00:44:00.000 He's a savage. 1.00

00:44:01.000 He just had a fucking heart attack. 1.00

00:44:03.000 Well, I'm sorry. 1.00

00:44:05.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

00:44:06.000 Dude's like 55 years old.

00:44:08.000 He was working out and he was like, um, I gotta go to the doctor.

00:44:11.000 Just went straight to the doctor and they're like, dude, you just had a heart attack. 0.88

00:44:14.000 He's like, I'm so fucking tough I didn't even notice. 0.99

00:44:16.000 He's like, I'll eat my own heart. 1.00

00:44:17.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:44:18.000 I don't have any sports injuries. 0.99

00:44:20.000 I don't think I ever played a sport.

00:44:22.000 You have no sports injuries at all?

00:44:24.000 No, I feel like a lot of girls get knee surgery in high school and stuff like that. 1.00

00:44:28.000 Maybe I just wasn't playing hard enough.

00:44:31.000 You never played any sports?

00:44:32.000 I played sports.

00:44:33.000 I just don't have any.

00:44:34.000 I played lacrosse.

00:44:35.000 Oh, you were so white. 0.99

00:44:37.000 So white.

00:44:37.000 That's so white.

00:44:38.000 It's such a private school thing.

00:44:39.000 That's the whitest sport of all time.

00:44:41.000 I played lacrosse in Texas.

00:44:42.000 It's a rough sport, though.

00:44:44.000 People don't know.

00:44:45.000 People crack people with those sticks.

00:44:46.000 What I lacked in genuine athletic ability, I made up for in aggression.

00:44:51.000 So there's nothing worse than an athlete that's not good, but they're very aggressive.

00:44:54.000 Do you think that flavored you as a human?

00:44:56.000 Maybe.

00:44:57.000 It wasn't cute.

00:44:58.000 Well, it's not cute. 0.99

00:45:00.000 I think of girls playing lacrosse as like hair all over the place and fucking this face. 1.00

00:45:05.000 In skirts, yeah. 0.99

00:45:07.000 I got ejected from a game one time so hard that I wasn't allowed to sit with my team.

00:45:12.000 Like, what's a shade beyond a red card?

00:45:15.000 Like a black beating heart.

00:45:18.000 What did you do? 1.00

00:45:19.000 I hit a girl. 0.91

00:45:19.000 With a stick? 0.91

00:45:20.000 Yeah.

00:45:21.000 With my car.

00:45:22.000 The I thought I meant your hand or something.

00:45:25.000 No, I have my stick and it was unlawful and they made me sit next to my parents in the stands and it was so humiliating.

00:45:32.000 Good for you.

00:45:32.000 I want to pat you on the head.

00:45:33.000 Our team was pretty good. 1.00

00:45:35.000 Fuck those bitches up. 1.00

00:45:36.000 I played defense though, so I wasn't really a parking I had a buddy of mine that played lacrosse in high school. 1.00

00:45:41.000 He was telling me I was crazy to fight.

00:45:43.000 And I was like, what's to stop someone from hitting you with those sticks?

00:45:46.000 You guys are running into each other, man.

00:45:48.000 I'm like, don't kid yourself.

00:45:50.000 I'm like, you're doing something violent.

00:45:51.000 You're just doing something violent under this weird pretend thing.

00:45:55.000 Yeah, under pretend civility.

00:45:57.000 Boys get pads and helmets and girls do not. 0.99

00:46:00.000 What the fuck is that all about? 0.99

00:46:01.000 Because girls aren't supposed to. 1.00

00:46:03.000 I mean, it's a physical sport, but boys, it's like football with sticks. 0.97

00:46:06.000 Did you just pick it up like a baseball bat and crack this chick in the head? 1.00

00:46:10.000 So if you put it over your head and come down, that's not okay. 0.98

00:46:13.000 My nickname was, I think it was like, oh, Butcher.

00:46:17.000 Because my coach was like, you hold your stick and you come down so hard.

00:46:21.000 Because you know what?

00:46:22.000 It comes out on the field and women are not allowed to be aggressive. 1.00

00:46:27.000 It's a thing where it's like, on sports day, like, you know, wear a skirt, be ladies, represent, and you got dudes just running around ripping people's heads off, raping villages, and one girl takes her shirt off at a World Cup game, Megan Rapinoe does something that's like, whoa, scandalous.

00:46:42.000 Well, I just got back from the UFC. There was three women fights this weekend. 0.96

00:46:45.000 That's a different thing!

00:46:46.000 Pretty intense.

00:46:47.000 And that's okay now, but for other sports, it's always expected that women conduct yourselves like ladies. 1.00

00:46:52.000 Right.

00:46:53.000 And I'm like, that's not, what?

00:46:55.000 It's sport.

00:46:56.000 It has nothing to do with the real world.

00:46:58.000 It has to do with trying to win.

00:47:00.000 You violated the rules.

00:47:02.000 I broke the rules.

00:47:03.000 Because otherwise, if everybody was just swinging at each other, it would be a totally different sport.

00:47:08.000 I was not great.

00:47:10.000 And I own that.

00:47:11.000 What did you do?

00:47:11.000 Did you just swing it over your head?

00:47:13.000 I probably just came down.

00:47:14.000 Like a hammer?

00:47:16.000 Yeah, like if you have too much torque built up.

00:47:19.000 And I hit, and you're not supposed to.

00:47:21.000 You hit her on the head? 0.88

00:47:22.000 You can give a tap to get the ball out of the thing.

00:47:25.000 I didn't hit her on the head.

00:47:26.000 I think I probably hit her stick so hard.

00:47:29.000 I don't remember.

00:47:29.000 My friend was telling me people get concussions.

00:47:31.000 High school was only like two years ago.

00:47:33.000 I'm like, how many people you know have been getting concussions from lacrosse?

00:47:36.000 It was like, a lot.

00:47:37.000 And I was like, bro, you're in a violent sport.

00:47:39.000 It's a violent sport. 1.00

00:47:40.000 It's a fucking violent sport. 1.00

00:47:41.000 And it's oddly not a professional sport. 1.00

00:47:44.000 Because I think it would be an exciting professional sport.

00:47:46.000 It's a professional sport.

00:47:47.000 But it's not.

00:47:48.000 It's not a widely received one.

00:47:49.000 You're not going to make any money playing lacrosse.

00:47:51.000 It's like bowling.

00:47:52.000 Right, it's not.

00:47:52.000 But they do have it.

00:47:53.000 I have a friend that plays professionally, and I don't know who's watching it, but they do it.

00:47:57.000 Right, but wouldn't you think that it would be like hockey?

00:47:59.000 Or like rugby.

00:48:01.000 Yeah.

00:48:01.000 Rugby should be our football.

00:48:03.000 That's what I think.

00:48:04.000 I think it would be better for the athletes.

00:48:06.000 Less concussions.

00:48:07.000 They had less concussions back when they were playing with those little leather helmets and little tiny pads.

00:48:11.000 Because you just couldn't do what these guys are doing.

00:48:14.000 You're just smashing into your head as a battering ram.

00:48:17.000 Gigantic, super athletes in their prime running at preposterous speeds with indescribable power.

00:48:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:48:24.000 Those guys are so fucking strong. 0.98

00:48:26.000 When you're around a real professional football player, you're like, Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:48:29.000 Huge.

00:48:30.000 They look like Brandon Schaub.

00:48:32.000 Plus, right? 0.99

00:48:33.000 You know when you're around Schaub how fucking big he is? 0.99

00:48:36.000 Imagine him plus 60, 70 pounds. 0.99

00:48:38.000 That's these guys.

00:48:39.000 I get it, Joe.

00:48:40.000 I've seen football players.

00:48:41.000 But they're so big, it doesn't make sense.

00:48:43.000 And they're running at each other.

00:48:44.000 Full clip.

00:48:48.000 It's terrifying.

00:48:49.000 It's terrifying. 1.00

00:48:50.000 And it's so bad for your fucking brain. 1.00

00:48:52.000 That being said, I would like to go to a Rams game. 1.00

00:48:54.000 Yeah.

00:48:55.000 I'd like to see the new stadium.

00:48:56.000 Yeah, I like to go in and learn one of them big bulletproof hamster wheels, you know?

00:49:00.000 And play?

00:49:01.000 So nobody could see me.

00:49:03.000 No, so nobody could get at you.

00:49:04.000 Oh, why don't you just sit in a skybox?

00:49:05.000 Because people fight.

00:49:06.000 What are you talking about?

00:49:06.000 Football games.

00:49:07.000 Are we talking about two different things?

00:49:08.000 Rams?

00:49:08.000 What are you talking about?

00:49:09.000 Football.

00:49:10.000 You can go in the audience, but be in like a bulletproof box.

00:49:13.000 Why don't you just sit in a skybox?

00:49:14.000 It is bulletproof.

00:49:15.000 That's true.

00:49:16.000 And you can afford it.

00:49:17.000 Then you're not down with the people.

00:49:18.000 You gotta get down with the people.

00:49:19.000 Is that what you want?

00:49:20.000 To be with the proletariat? 0.70

00:49:21.000 Well, with a Raiders game, that's how I'd watch a Raiders game.

00:49:23.000 Oh boy.

00:49:24.000 In a bulletproof box.

00:49:25.000 Yeah.

00:49:25.000 Stab proof.

00:49:26.000 Well, James Cowboys games have boxes on the field.

00:49:28.000 Bulletproof boxes?

00:49:29.000 I don't know about bulletproof, but...

00:49:31.000 It's just a plexiglass box.

00:49:33.000 Honestly, I was thinking Raiders.

00:49:35.000 But the Raiders game...

00:49:37.000 Raiders are going to Vegas now, right?

00:49:38.000 It's going to be more violent.

00:49:40.000 Yeah, because there's no loyalty. 0.99

00:49:41.000 It's just people coming and getting fucked up and being like, Raiders. 0.97

00:49:44.000 That's a weird sport, right? 0.98

00:49:45.000 Or a weird team, right? 0.74

00:49:46.000 Because the Raiders are synonymous with thugs. 0.86

00:49:49.000 Yes.

00:49:50.000 It's like one of the only sports or one of the only teams where the audience is synonymous with thugs.

00:49:56.000 I always think of Frazier Smith's joke.

00:49:59.000 What was it?

00:50:00.000 It's about how there's all these thugs at Knox Ferry Farm and it's just like some teenager that's like, Boo! 1.00

00:50:05.000 Raiders, bitch! 1.00

00:50:06.000 And I always think of that like some kid in a sheet just scaring you and yelling raiders. 1.00

00:50:11.000 That's hilarious.

00:50:12.000 But I think having a transient audience for a home team is kind of a thing.

00:50:18.000 Of course people live in Las Vegas, but by and large it will be a tourist attraction.

00:50:22.000 Because it's also in the fall and winter, so it's a not sweltering time of year to go to Las Vegas.

00:50:27.000 And I don't know.

00:50:28.000 It'll be interesting to see hometown pride and what that fan looks like when you're in a city where everybody's always coming in.

00:50:34.000 I don't believe it's real.

00:50:36.000 I mean, Vegas is a real town.

00:50:38.000 There are real locals there.

00:50:39.000 But I don't think there's enough to show hometown pride, especially for something like the Raiders. 0.99

00:50:45.000 The Raiders are from fucking LA. They're from LA, and then they're from Oakland, and now they're here in Vegas, but they're not from Vegas. 0.98

00:50:52.000 And I don't think the Rams, I mean, to me, I don't really even know anyone that watches football.

00:50:57.000 And it's weird that we're getting a football team.

00:51:01.000 I wonder what would happen if players were not allowed to switch teams.

00:51:06.000 It's just like a sentence?

00:51:08.000 Like you take the oath? 1.00

00:51:09.000 You're like, Larry Bird, you're in the fucking Celtics for life. 0.99

00:51:12.000 Back when I was a kid, I didn't watch sports. 0.99

00:51:16.000 But I remember players were on teams. 0.99

00:51:19.000 Michael Jordan was on the fucking Chicago Bulls. 0.98

00:51:22.000 That was how it was with the Cowboys growing up. 0.99

00:51:25.000 Whether you watched it or not, it was a part of your life.

00:51:27.000 And all those guys are forever synonymous.

00:51:30.000 Like, Deion Sanders, Primetime 21, baby.

00:51:32.000 That's the Dallas Cowboys.

00:51:33.000 And I remember there was a DJ who passed away.

00:51:36.000 His name was Kid Craddock, and he was the Kiss FM DJ in the morning.

00:51:39.000 That guy passed away?

00:51:40.000 Passed away, and it was super sad.

00:51:41.000 When?

00:51:42.000 A year ago?

00:51:43.000 Two years ago?

00:51:44.000 What happened?

00:51:44.000 Heart attack.

00:51:47.000 But I remember he would always, this is not that funny, but he would always say, I'm from Dallas, Texas, where the Cowboys play.

00:51:52.000 And I would say that for years, because I thought that was like a cool source of pride, because it's America's team.

00:51:56.000 And then I realized all that did was open up the conversation to someone being like, whoa, Cowboys!

00:52:01.000 And I don't have the information to back it up.

00:52:02.000 And I don't want to have that conversation.

00:52:04.000 Right, you'd have a debate about the Cowboys versus blank. 0.87

00:52:08.000 For years on stage at a shitty club, I'd be like, I'm from Dallas. 1.00

00:52:11.000 And you'd always get a guy like, no, fuck the Cowboys. 0.99

00:52:14.000 I'm like, cool, dude. 1.00

00:52:15.000 Not attached to it.

00:52:16.000 This is not going to be how this hour goes.

00:52:18.000 But it is part of your upbringing.

00:52:22.000 Sports dudes love to get angry.

00:52:24.000 There's something about sports radio and sports broadcasting. 0.92

00:52:27.000 They love to get shitty about athletes. 1.00

00:52:30.000 That guy's a pussy. 1.00

00:52:31.000 He can't fucking play. 1.00

00:52:33.000 I was in Montreal last week, and I was just sitting in a cafe, and I was just listening to these two French-Canadian guys go in on just shitting on other parts of Canada and other cities. 1.00

00:52:44.000 And the stuff, it was savage. 0.98

00:52:46.000 Like, they eat their own in Canada. 1.00

00:52:48.000 And it was just shitting on the leaves and shitting on Winnipeg. 1.00

00:52:52.000 Oh, it's a city of degenerates. 1.00

00:52:53.000 That's why they lock it down at 10. Like, just losing it, and then I tweeted, I Instagrammed about it, and then the rest of the Canadians weighed in on how much they hate French Canada, and it became a thing, and I'm like, none of us watch hockey!

00:53:04.000 Well, French Canada is a different Canada.

00:53:06.000 It's a different thing.

00:53:07.000 It's great.

00:53:08.000 I love it up there.

00:53:08.000 I love Quebec, but they want to secede.

00:53:11.000 They've wanted to secede since I've been going up there since the 90s.

00:53:14.000 Yeah, people get froggy when it comes to the Brexit thing, but nobody, even Brexit, England's not pumped about that.

00:53:20.000 Northern California wants to secede.

00:53:21.000 Well, Brexit is so weird because Brexit is, you know, they're part of the European Union.

00:53:27.000 It's almost like Texas leaving the United States.

00:53:30.000 My whole thing is, whatever, I understand the reasons wanting that.

00:53:34.000 The second somebody tries to invade, like, you don't have your own militia.

00:53:37.000 You don't have an army.

00:53:38.000 Well, this whole European Union thing is very new, though.

00:53:41.000 It hasn't been going on that long.

00:53:43.000 Because you cannot just easily, when you're in England, you gotta go through the whole thing when you're going to another country, and it used to just be such a chill thing.

00:53:50.000 And now it's a little bit of a nightmare.

00:53:52.000 I haven't done it.

00:53:53.000 I haven't done it.

00:53:53.000 I haven't traveled to England since the whole Brexit thing has been going on.

00:53:56.000 I did.

00:53:57.000 I went through touring, and it should have just been like, just hop on a plane to go to your other countries.

00:54:01.000 No, you gotta go through customs.

00:54:02.000 You're just stuck in customs, hoping someone comes for you.

00:54:06.000 I don't know enough about the arguments pro and con to comment on it, honestly.

00:54:10.000 Well, and it truly doesn't matter because we don't have a vote in it.

00:54:12.000 But I know the dude looks like a British version of Donald Trump.

00:54:16.000 Yeah.

00:54:16.000 He looks like...

00:54:17.000 He's got fucked up yellow hair, the whole deal. 1.00

00:54:20.000 He literally looks like their version of Trump. 0.99

00:54:22.000 Like a wonkier, if it's possible, version.

00:54:23.000 A younger, wonkier Trump.

00:54:25.000 A hotter... 0.92

00:54:26.000 He's a little hotter.

00:54:27.000 A little bit.

00:54:28.000 And they say America sneezes, the rest of the world catches a cold.

00:54:31.000 Oh, interesting.

00:54:31.000 You know, like we do something people will start to...

00:54:33.000 Imagine if dudes with fucked up blonde hair just start taking over the world. 1.00

00:54:38.000 I feel like that was Hitler's vision. 0.99

00:54:40.000 I feel like that's where they were headed.

00:54:41.000 That was, right?

00:54:43.000 Right?

00:54:43.000 What was crazy was Hitler didn't look like that.

00:54:46.000 Brown hair.

00:54:47.000 I think he even had like a Jewish grandma.

00:54:48.000 Brown eyes.

00:54:49.000 Every Jew knows this.

00:54:50.000 He had a Jewish grandma?

00:54:51.000 I think it's something like that.

00:54:52.000 Look at that guy.

00:54:53.000 Come on. 1.00

00:54:53.000 What in the fuck? 1.00

00:54:54.000 He looks like Harry from Dumb and Dumber. 1.00

00:54:56.000 Actually, I take it away. 0.70

00:54:56.000 He's not hotter. 0.70

00:54:57.000 He's just younger.

00:54:58.000 When Trump was younger, he was way hotter than that dude. 0.98

00:55:00.000 No, that guy's terrible. 0.99

00:55:02.000 Terrible looking.

00:55:03.000 Yeah.

00:55:03.000 Saw a lot of Trump supporters this weekend.

00:55:06.000 Colby Covington was fighting in the UFC and he's a big Trump supporter.

00:55:10.000 You know, I got to say this.

00:55:11.000 This is not pro-Trump, but this is pro your own rights.

00:55:14.000 We have this thing in California.

00:55:16.000 I said something.

00:55:17.000 I was in a writer's room and I said something about someone who I knew that voted for – my family that voted for Donald Trump.

00:55:24.000 And someone was like – Yeah.

00:55:35.000 Yeah.

00:55:50.000 Well, liberals used to be, when I was a kid, and my parents are hippies.

00:55:55.000 We lived in San Francisco when I was a little kid.

00:55:57.000 And so I always thought of liberals as being the people that were open-minded, not wanting to silence people, letting people speak.

00:56:08.000 They're all about people just being who they are and not trying to enforce rigid patterns of behavior and thought on people.

00:56:15.000 But that's not the case now because they think they're doing the right thing because they think they're combating something that's awful and aggressive and regressive.

00:56:24.000 They feel like the country that they know and love is slipping away.

00:56:28.000 But so do the conservatives.

00:56:30.000 So does everyone.

00:56:31.000 Exactly.

00:56:31.000 But the response to it is not the right way to go about it.

00:56:33.000 The response to it is to show a great example of what your ideology represents by being a good person, by being open-minded, by being kind. 0.97

00:56:45.000 Instead, people are being super, super shitty. 0.94

00:56:47.000 There's so many super, super shitty people that think they're doing the right thing because they're progressive and they want good things. 0.97

00:56:54.000 They want... 0.98

00:56:56.000 Gay rights, and they want racial equality, and they want people to be able to make more money, and they want people to be happy and healthy.

00:57:02.000 But it doesn't mean attacking anyone who, from the get-go, doesn't agree with you.

00:57:05.000 Because, by the way, if you and I disagree, and you calmly want to have a conversation with me, I am very open to having my mind change.

00:57:13.000 Of course I want to be on the right side, and I want to do the best thing. 0.96

00:57:16.000 If you yell at me, and you call me stupid, and you're attacking me, and you're on the defense from the get-go, you're on the offense from the get-go... 0.98

00:57:26.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:57:49.000 And you don't want to be the person who posts about everything because then no one will listen to anything.

00:57:54.000 Right.

00:57:54.000 And you don't want to call people out specifically because just because somebody carried a plastic bottle that day doesn't mean they don't drive a hybrid.

00:58:02.000 You don't know what people are doing.

00:58:03.000 Right.

00:58:04.000 Did you see Chris Pratt?

00:58:05.000 Yes.

00:58:05.000 That's literally what I'm thinking of.

00:58:06.000 And while I love that he did that, part of me is like, that's a little holier than thou.

00:58:10.000 Who shamed him? 0.96

00:58:11.000 Jason Momoa is so fucking hot. 0.99

00:58:12.000 So hot. 0.98

00:58:13.000 So hot.

00:58:14.000 But we're so, especially online, we're so quick to be like, you're not doing it right.

00:58:20.000 We do it with feminism, too. 1.00

00:58:21.000 And you have no idea the pious, good life that person is leading, and you're judging them on a snapshot on which you don't want to be judged on.

00:58:29.000 Well, they want to judge people.

00:58:30.000 The thing is about...

00:58:31.000 A lot of what this is is about people that are on the fringes.

00:58:35.000 The ideas are great, right?

00:58:38.000 But the people that want attention for espousing these great ideas oftentimes are the fringe.

00:58:43.000 So the far left and the far right.

00:58:45.000 A lot of what it is...

00:58:47.000 It's just people that are ultra-aggressive about enforcing their ideology, and then they're really shitty, and they want other people to comply.

00:58:54.000 And so you get these people that represent the right, and these people that represent the left, but a lot of the ideas of the right and the left, there's nothing wrong with being fiscally conservative, there's nothing wrong with being socially liberal.

00:59:06.000 Which is what a true Republican is, and you want less government in your money.

00:59:11.000 There's room in there for conversation, but when you go far right and then you go far left, then there's no room.

00:59:16.000 And when you start vilifying people from the get-go, and when you start expecting people...

00:59:23.000 Owen Benjamin, who is just basically is like in a tinfoil hat somewhere and like living off the grid, he offended a lot of people, right?

00:59:32.000 You're just staring at me?

00:59:33.000 Yeah, no, I'm listening to you.

00:59:35.000 And he said a bunch of stuff about trans stuff, and I remember there was this girl that I was friends with on social media, didn't know her, but just followed her because I liked her writing.

00:59:45.000 That's it.

00:59:46.000 And she DMs me one day and she's like, she's like, Owen Benjamin, like, how could you be, like, maybe I, I don't know if I'd interacted with him on Twitter. 0.99

00:59:53.000 I'm never on Twitter because I think it's a toxic fuckhole. 0.97

00:59:56.000 And she was like, she's getting mad at me. 0.99

00:59:58.000 And I go, what are you talking about?

00:59:59.000 She was like, he said all this stuff that's anti-trans and I hadn't heard anything.

01:00:02.000 Well, let me, let me say what he said.

01:00:04.000 Okay.

01:00:05.000 And here's the thing.

01:00:06.000 He went off into a spiral, right?

01:00:09.000 But I agree with what he said.

01:00:12.000 What he said was, there was someone that he knew, someone who works in Hollywood, that had a three-year-old that they were turning trans.

01:00:21.000 Right.

01:00:21.000 And he said that that was child abuse.

01:00:23.000 That was what led to his crazy situation.

01:00:24.000 I don't disagree with that.

01:00:27.000 No, I agree with it 100%.

01:00:29.000 I don't disagree with that.

01:00:29.000 Yeah, I agree with him 100%.

01:00:31.000 You wouldn't let that child decide what it's eating.

01:00:33.000 Right.

01:00:34.000 So that's a very powerful...

01:00:35.000 Someone had a great joke.

01:00:36.000 I always say this.

01:00:38.000 I wish I could remember who it was.

01:00:39.000 They said, you don't let a kid pick their outfit. 0.99

01:00:41.000 Why the fuck would you let them pick their gender for the rest of their life? 1.00

01:00:44.000 Sounds just like the joke I just made. 1.00

01:00:45.000 Yeah, but somebody did it already.

01:00:47.000 Right.

01:00:47.000 I'm not going to do the joke.

01:00:50.000 But...

01:00:51.000 So that aside, and the spiral aside, which I didn't even participate.

01:00:54.000 Like, it's whatever.

01:00:55.000 Like, those are your choices.

01:00:56.000 That's what you're saying.

01:00:57.000 I had known none of this.

01:00:58.000 But here's the thing.

01:00:59.000 That cost him dearly.

01:01:00.000 His agency left him, and then comedy clubs banned him for that.

01:01:04.000 That was the beginning of it.

01:01:05.000 I think he just steered into that skid.

01:01:07.000 But that's what started the skid.

01:01:09.000 Right.

01:01:09.000 What started the skid was that.

01:01:11.000 I think there was something else about, like, he called someone who had written a...

01:01:14.000 Look, that's not the point of what I was saying.

01:01:16.000 Well, things went south afterwards, for sure.

01:01:18.000 You have to manage those things.

01:01:19.000 My point was, I knew none of this, so I'm just going to brunch one day, and this person starts attacking me offline.

01:01:26.000 How can you be friends with him?

01:01:27.000 And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you talking about?

01:01:29.000 She's like, he's saying all these horrible things, and I- She's attacking you in person?

01:01:32.000 She's in my direct message.

01:01:34.000 My only point is, I said, I've known Owen most of my career.

01:01:39.000 Let me go read what you're talking about.

01:01:41.000 And she was angry at me for wanting to gather information.

01:01:45.000 This person is a trans writer who I literally, until that moment, didn't know was trans because I was just a fan based on merit.

01:01:52.000 I just liked the writing.

01:01:53.000 And I said, how dare you?

01:01:56.000 Shame on you.

01:01:57.000 As a journalist, you should applaud that I go and collect my facts.

01:02:01.000 They want compliance, like immediate, instantaneous compliance.

01:02:04.000 And I said, I'm an ally, and I am pro-trans, and I am pro-gay rights, but you do not get to bark at me on a Sunday morning when I have no idea what we're talking about and get mad at me.

01:02:13.000 I just have to tell you, I don't trust anyone who says they're an ally about anything.

01:02:16.000 I'm a total ally.

01:02:17.000 But you say that?

01:02:17.000 If you say, I'm an ally.

01:02:18.000 I'm an ally.

01:02:19.000 You think I'm anti-trans?

01:02:21.000 I'm not buying it.

01:02:22.000 I vote, and I... Kate's Mrs. Doubtfire.

01:02:25.000 That's a little of an ally she is. 0.97

01:02:27.000 Just the term ally is gross.

01:02:29.000 It's okay when other people use it.

01:02:30.000 Like, he's an ally.

01:02:31.000 That guy's an ally.

01:02:32.000 She's an ally.

01:02:33.000 I get that.

01:02:33.000 That's a good way to use it.

01:02:34.000 But when you say, I'm an ally, I'm like, nah.

01:02:36.000 Okay.

01:02:36.000 Well, I'm pro-trans.

01:02:38.000 Good for you.

01:02:39.000 And I blocked that person.

01:02:41.000 I was like, you don't get to bark at me and tell me, for any cause.

01:02:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:46.000 Too many fucking people live on Twitter. 1.00

01:02:48.000 It's not good. 1.00

01:02:49.000 It's not healthy, folks.

01:02:50.000 I don't have it on my phone.

01:02:50.000 You're supposed to talk to people.

01:02:52.000 Twitter has become like a subway bathroom wall.

01:02:55.000 Michelle Wolf told me the exact same thing last week.

01:02:57.000 She doesn't have it on her phone.

01:02:58.000 She's like, Because you're just screaming into a void and all it does is it just nets negativity. 1.00

01:03:03.000 So they're just waiting for you to fuck up. 0.99

01:03:05.000 By the way, anybody who's ever said anything awful to me on Twitter, who I've seen in person, they say nothing. 0.99

01:03:11.000 And I'm...

01:03:13.000 Well, that's the only way people should talk.

01:03:15.000 It's face-to-face.

01:03:16.000 Yeah, Louis C.K. said that to me.

01:03:17.000 We were talking about this, and he said, it's just talk, but it's written down.

01:03:20.000 So people think it's more than it is.

01:03:23.000 People would say these kind of things, and you would go, eh.

01:03:26.000 You get likes and retweets, which are basically pitchforks. 0.97

01:03:29.000 But if you said something about someone, like you said something about Bert or something like that, And he said it online, like, fucking Bert should know a lot about getting drunk in Russia. 0.85

01:03:40.000 If he read that... 0.98

01:03:41.000 It sounds so bad. 1.00

01:03:42.000 Yeah, it's like, what the fuck, Eliza? 0.99

01:03:43.000 Well, because there's no inflection. 1.00

01:03:45.000 Right, but if you just said it to me, we're hanging out, and then you saw Bert and hugged him, I wouldn't think you're a hypocrite. 0.98

01:03:50.000 Right, right, right. 0.67

01:03:51.000 So it's like what Louis was saying, it's just talk, but it's written.

01:03:55.000 It's talk without nuance or inflection, because not everyone has mastered grammar or punctuation. 0.99

01:04:00.000 Right, it's worse, especially for us, because we say things, we talk shit. 0.99

01:04:04.000 You know? 0.99

01:04:05.000 Like, even now, you and I are agreeing on everything, and I'm like, I'm gonna face a firing squad of betas when I get on my Instagram later and be like, and Rogan was talking, and not you!

01:04:15.000 Listen, there's a certain percentage of people that are gonna attack every woman who comes on the show. 1.00

01:04:19.000 For sure.

01:04:20.000 That just happens.

01:04:21.000 It happens almost always.

01:04:22.000 Except Jessie Mae. 1.00

01:04:23.000 Jessie Mae got, like, super positive.

01:04:26.000 Oh, she's doing it better than you. 0.68

01:04:28.000 I don't know what's up.

01:04:29.000 Oh! 0.60

01:04:31.000 Sick burn!

01:04:33.000 No, she's the only one that I've had on, but maybe... 1.00

01:04:36.000 How do you know?

01:04:37.000 Because she told me.

01:04:37.000 Do you check...

01:04:39.000 Maybe she's just like a glass half full kind of girl. 0.98

01:04:42.000 Maybe she's just high all the time. 0.99

01:04:43.000 I don't know.

01:04:44.000 I don't know anything.

01:04:44.000 She's high all the time.

01:04:45.000 Oh.

01:04:46.000 Yeah.

01:04:46.000 I am not.

01:04:47.000 I know it's like not cool.

01:04:48.000 I am not a pot smoker.

01:04:49.000 Yeah.

01:04:50.000 You want to try it?

01:04:50.000 Nope.

01:04:51.000 I mean, I've tried pot.

01:04:52.000 My brother grows.

01:04:54.000 Elon Musk moment.

01:04:55.000 You know what I mean?

01:04:55.000 Oh, man.

01:04:56.000 I didn't think he looked as weird as everybody thought.

01:04:59.000 Oh, he's weird.

01:05:00.000 Because he was trying to hold it in or whatever.

01:05:03.000 Do you know that my brother has a marijuana farm?

01:05:06.000 That's what my brother does.

01:05:07.000 Where?

01:05:08.000 Northern California.

01:05:10.000 And he does it like he's got a gun, like he grows his plants.

01:05:14.000 We're not a farming people, but that's what he does.

01:05:17.000 It's a great way to make a living right now.

01:05:18.000 Makes his living.

01:05:19.000 And I am just not...

01:05:21.000 I would like to like it because it seems like a...

01:05:24.000 What's wrong with it to you?

01:05:25.000 I just think...

01:05:27.000 You're going to be hotboxed in about 10 minutes.

01:05:29.000 I thought that wasn't a real thing.

01:05:30.000 It's a real thing.

01:05:31.000 I've got places to go.

01:05:33.000 I've got people to see.

01:05:34.000 You'll be more jovial.

01:05:36.000 I have an outline, too.

01:05:37.000 More community-oriented later in the day.

01:05:40.000 I think it makes me...

01:05:42.000 People are always like, no, this is Indica in the couch, and this is Sativa. 1.00

01:05:46.000 Open your mind.

01:05:47.000 And I always feel like it makes me think about death, and I feel uncomfortable, and my mind just starts racing.

01:05:53.000 Yeah, me too.

01:05:54.000 But I don't want that, because I already think about death.

01:05:57.000 I'm already uncomfortable.

01:06:00.000 Look, I think I need humility in every form, but it is an excellent form of humility to me.

01:06:06.000 It helps me.

01:06:07.000 It helps me be more humble.

01:06:08.000 It helps me be nicer to people.

01:06:11.000 No, it does.

01:06:11.000 You are nice.

01:06:12.000 I am nice.

01:06:13.000 So what do you need help for?

01:06:13.000 The reason why I'm nice is because I'm a pothead.

01:06:15.000 It's made me a nicer person.

01:06:17.000 I've always been nice, but I have less not nice in me than I ever did before.

01:06:23.000 I think that just comes with age.

01:06:24.000 Maybe two, for sure.

01:06:26.000 You're very old.

01:06:26.000 Yes, very ancient.

01:06:28.000 No.

01:06:29.000 Barely alive.

01:06:30.000 I'm halfway dead, for sure, unless everything goes amazing.

01:06:33.000 I prefer...

01:06:33.000 What is that?

01:06:34.000 Oh, that's from my friend Maynard.

01:06:36.000 He sent me that from his farm. 1.00

01:06:38.000 We were talking about one of these fucking things. 0.99

01:06:39.000 Is that like a black jacket? 1.00

01:06:40.000 No, that gigantic monster is a tarantula hawk.

01:06:46.000 Great name.

01:06:47.000 That's like something out of a bestiary.

01:06:50.000 They kill tarantulas. 1.00

01:06:51.000 They sting the fuck out of them and lay their eggs in their body. 1.00

01:06:54.000 Those are monsters. 1.00

01:06:55.000 They're so big.

01:06:56.000 It's like a little bird. 0.99

01:06:57.000 So he was explaining it to me and describing how fucking big it was. 0.96

01:07:00.000 And then he sent me one. 0.99

01:07:01.000 A dead one.

01:07:02.000 From his place.

01:07:04.000 Pretty cool, right?

01:07:04.000 I don't think it's dead.

01:07:05.000 I think it's waiting.

01:07:06.000 That's Maynard from Tool's bug. 1.00

01:07:08.000 That's fucking sick. 0.99

01:07:09.000 Did you see the weed cloud in the room? 1.00

01:07:10.000 It's floating over her side of the room.

01:07:12.000 Yeah, it's trying.

01:07:14.000 Marijuana's trying to talk to you.

01:07:15.000 It's like, Eliza, we have creativity for you.

01:07:17.000 And you get it everywhere.

01:07:18.000 It's at all the shows they give you.

01:07:20.000 And I just...

01:07:20.000 You don't have to.

01:07:21.000 I don't.

01:07:22.000 You don't have to.

01:07:23.000 There's no need to.

01:07:24.000 Do you do anything?

01:07:25.000 Do you meditate?

01:07:26.000 Do you do anything to try to alter your state?

01:07:28.000 I do a lot of deep thinking.

01:07:30.000 I'm not as good at meditating as I would like, but I'm very self-reflective.

01:07:35.000 That's good.

01:07:36.000 And I do a lot of reading.

01:07:39.000 Do you feel like women that are confident get kind of like more heat? 0.88

01:07:45.000 Like men that are confident don't really get that much heat from women.

01:07:48.000 It's almost like expected.

01:07:50.000 But women that are confident get hate. 1.00

01:07:52.000 If I did a woman's podcast, right? 0.99

01:07:55.000 Like a women's podcast or a woman's podcast? 0.93

01:07:58.000 A woman's, like yours. 1.00

01:07:59.000 Like if I did your podcast.

01:08:00.000 I don't get hate from women. 1.00

01:08:02.000 Sure, I do your podcast.

01:08:03.000 I did it before.

01:08:04.000 Uh, no. 0.99

01:08:04.000 I wouldn't get hate from women, but I think for a certain amount, like, sometimes guys' podcasts, they want to hear you talk about guy shit, you know? 0.99

01:08:12.000 I talk about football for at least five minutes, and I have my own... 0.99

01:08:15.000 You talked about how you were violent as a lacrosse player.

01:08:17.000 Right, so are you rock hard or what, America?

01:08:20.000 What?

01:08:20.000 I think it's not something that I think about a ton because people are always like, oh, you're so confident.

01:08:26.000 It's not like I took a pill to become that way.

01:08:29.000 I just always operated just the way I was supposed to.

01:08:32.000 Some people like you, some people don't.

01:08:34.000 But I think people get insecure and I think insecurity for men and women manifests itself in very ugly ways.

01:08:46.000 Yeah.

01:08:59.000 It used to be that a girl could have a hot body and there was zero consequences. 1.00

01:09:03.000 Nope, it never was that.

01:09:05.000 It was never that.

01:09:06.000 Other girls didn't like it, but there wasn't like publicly espoused consequences. 1.00

01:09:10.000 We didn't have social media.

01:09:11.000 Oh, definitely there was. 0.99

01:09:13.000 Hot girls are always called sluts. 1.00

01:09:15.000 Right! 0.99

01:09:16.000 Always and forever.

01:09:17.000 Or gold diggers or something like that, but...

01:09:19.000 Salem Witch Trial?

01:09:20.000 All them had hot bodies. 0.99

01:09:21.000 Oh, yeah, but that wasn't real.

01:09:22.000 Do you know what that was about, the Salem Witch Trial?

01:09:24.000 It was about ergot.

01:09:26.000 They had late frost, and the late frost caused fungus to grow on their wheat.

01:09:30.000 That fungus contains lysergic acid, which is very similar to LSD. So while these fucking people were eating their bread and using their wheat and flour, they were getting acid poisoned. 0.99

01:09:42.000 So they were thinking that everyone was witches. 1.00

01:09:44.000 And it was always probably men that couldn't get laid.

01:09:47.000 And now you're talking about in America.

01:09:49.000 Because it was different...

01:09:50.000 Salem witch trials.

01:09:50.000 That very particular thing.

01:09:52.000 But what came before that...

01:09:53.000 Let's check to make sure that this hasn't been debunked.

01:09:55.000 Well, I can tell you that what came before that in the witch... 0.94

01:09:58.000 Seeking out of witches in Europe.

01:10:00.000 It was this...

01:10:02.000 Widespread thing, of course, to spread Christianity, but they'd have witch committees, like, go from town to town to find people, because everybody needs, like, a scapegoat. 0.93

01:10:10.000 And then they'd check you for marks, and, of course, a mark could just be a birthmark, and then there's trial by fire, trial by floating, whatever.

01:10:16.000 You know, they used to tie women down and weigh them down with rocks? 1.00

01:10:20.000 And if they drowned, they weren't a witch.

01:10:22.000 But if they survived, then they knew they were witches. 1.00

01:10:24.000 Right, you're fucked either way. 0.99

01:10:26.000 I listen to Aaron Manke's podcast, Lore, and he talks about this stuff all the time. 0.99

01:10:30.000 What is it called?

01:10:31.000 Lore.

01:10:32.000 L-O-R-E? It's awesome.

01:10:33.000 About folklore?

01:10:34.000 All different kinds.

01:10:35.000 And he talks about the different trials.

01:10:38.000 And it's all stuff like that where you're kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't, regardless. 0.98

01:10:42.000 We set you on fire, and if you scar, then you're not a righteous man. 0.99

01:10:46.000 And if you die, you were righteous. 1.00

01:10:47.000 Whoopsie daisy.

01:10:49.000 So, this is a thing.

01:10:50.000 What was the point?

01:10:51.000 Oh, witches had hot bodies. 1.00

01:10:52.000 You're talking about the women having good bodies. 1.00

01:10:55.000 No, what I was talking about is that women, when they go on a man's podcast, a lot of times they get women, or men rather, hate on them.

01:11:02.000 Oh, I was going to say that women have... 1.00

01:11:05.000 Like, today, women, you're body shaming, or you're showing an unrealistic body type, and you're feeding into unrealistic body expectations.

01:11:13.000 I've seen that a lot.

01:11:14.000 Saying that to another woman.

01:11:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:11:16.000 There was an ad that was pulled in England, in the UK, because it was like a gym ad, and this girl was in a bikini.

01:11:24.000 She had a hot body. 1.00

01:11:25.000 I forget what it was for.

01:11:26.000 I think it was a gym.

01:11:27.000 Something like that. 0.99

01:11:28.000 Maybe sunscreen or some shit. 0.98

01:11:29.000 But this girl had a hot body, and they made them pull the ad because it was promoting unrealistic body expectations. 1.00

01:11:35.000 Yeah.

01:11:36.000 What isn't?

01:11:37.000 Well, here's the thing.

01:11:37.000 It's a girl.

01:11:38.000 She's a real person.

01:11:40.000 It's not unrealistic.

01:11:40.000 You can do it.

01:11:41.000 You can get really fat, too.

01:11:42.000 There it is.

01:11:43.000 Are you beach body ready?

01:11:44.000 And see, to me, maybe in England, that's unrealistic, but in LA, that's just normal.

01:11:47.000 That is not unrealistic.

01:11:48.000 It's not unrealistic.

01:11:49.000 No, it's just...

01:11:50.000 Here's my thing.

01:11:51.000 Here's my thing.

01:11:51.000 It's a hot girl.

01:11:52.000 Let's say that's her body, okay?

01:11:55.000 I do think we have a problem in our society. 0.97

01:11:57.000 Like, my boobs are real. 0.98

01:11:59.000 And because they're big, my whole life, I mean, my adult life, people are like, are those tits real? 1.00

01:12:06.000 And they can't believe that. 0.98

01:12:08.000 And I'm like, someone's got to have real tits for you to ask if they're real. 1.00

01:12:11.000 Yeah, they're real. 0.99

01:12:11.000 Some big ones are real. 0.99

01:12:13.000 And it's offensive, but it's also like people are just...

01:12:16.000 It's almost like we're so fed all of this fake stuff that when someone actually has it, my eyelashes are real and they're long.

01:12:22.000 And people are always like, those gotta be fake.

01:12:23.000 I'm like, someone had to have had real eyelashes in the first place to measure other eyelashes against.

01:12:27.000 So when someone's big or strong, we always assume that they're faking it because...

01:12:32.000 Sometimes our noses are fake.

01:12:33.000 Right, but some girls go crazy with the eyelashes. 1.00

01:12:35.000 They've got spiders growing on their heads. 1.00

01:12:37.000 It's ridiculous. 0.98

01:12:37.000 But my other thing is, like, I can judge that girl silently. 0.98

01:12:42.000 I don't have to say it to her face. 1.00

01:12:44.000 Like, you don't have to be a piece of shit about it. 1.00

01:12:45.000 Right. 1.00

01:12:46.000 Well, that's the thing about social media is you can just attack that girl from afar. 0.98

01:12:48.000 I don't want to be high, and I feel like I'm high now.

01:12:51.000 You're definitely not high.

01:12:51.000 I feel so high.

01:12:53.000 Do you?

01:12:53.000 I don't know.

01:12:54.000 I've been playing with this cord too long.

01:12:56.000 You might be.

01:12:57.000 Are you getting paranoid?

01:12:58.000 I'm a little sweaty.

01:13:00.000 Really?

01:13:05.000 Oh, the heat's on.

01:13:07.000 The H's on.

01:13:08.000 Yeah, it was cold in here when we first got in here.

01:13:10.000 LA's like 59 degrees.

01:13:12.000 I think it's just your body heating the room.

01:13:16.000 Come on your podcast because I genuinely enjoy your interaction and I do think you have a really smart, cool audience of most of the people that think like you.

01:13:24.000 I think as a woman or just as a person, anytime you open your mouth or leave the house, there's going to be people who like you, people who don't.

01:13:30.000 So you just don't focus on the ones that don't because I have found when someone doesn't like me, it typically has nothing to do with actually me.

01:13:37.000 Well, there's a thing that people do when someone's very opinionated where you want to, for some reason, combat their opinions.

01:13:44.000 I've seen people do it even in things that they don't necessarily disagree with.

01:13:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:47.000 They just become a contrarian just to fuck with that person. 1.00

01:13:50.000 But that's what I'm saying. 0.99

01:13:50.000 It has nothing to do with what I said. 0.99

01:13:52.000 It's something in you that you're bothered by.

01:13:54.000 And I really try, in being autodidactic and in being self-reflective, when I don't like someone, I really try to examine what it is.

01:14:02.000 And sometimes it comes down, I'm like, maybe I'm just jealous.

01:14:05.000 Yeah.

01:14:05.000 I'm just jealous you used autodidactic.

01:14:07.000 Don't be jealous.

01:14:08.000 You just did it, too.

01:14:09.000 I did it really, really well.

01:14:10.000 Snuck it in there without anybody counting.

01:14:12.000 But a lot of time it is jealousy versus, oh, I really hate their stance.

01:14:16.000 It's that.

01:14:17.000 But sometimes it's also, there's an incorrect way of thinking about people.

01:14:21.000 Like when someone's confident or someone's brash, for whatever reason, like we get competitive. 1.00

01:14:26.000 I'm like, fuck that guy. 1.00

01:14:27.000 Why is that guy such a dick? 1.00

01:14:28.000 Instead of getting like... 1.00

01:14:30.000 What do I care? 0.95

01:14:31.000 As long as he's not being shitty to me. 0.98

01:14:33.000 To you. 0.98

01:14:34.000 I don't care.

01:14:34.000 But think about it.

01:14:35.000 That upsets people because deep down you're reminded that you're not that and those are all the things you want to be.

01:14:41.000 Sure.

01:14:41.000 Oh, he's confident.

01:14:42.000 Oh, he's strong.

01:14:42.000 Oh, he's good looking.

01:14:43.000 I've seen that with men.

01:14:44.000 Yeah.

01:14:45.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

01:14:48.000 If there's an attractive guy, they'll be like, oh, isn't he pretty short?

01:14:52.000 And it's like, maybe he is, but does that help you?

01:14:54.000 If a guy's short, do you feel better now?

01:14:56.000 Well, they do.

01:14:57.000 That's the only way they do.

01:14:59.000 But it's not real. 0.99

01:15:00.000 See, the thing is, when you shit on someone, unless you're being funny. 0.99

01:15:03.000 If you're being funny, I'm all for you. 0.98

01:15:04.000 But when you're just being mean about someone, like some football player... 1.00

01:15:10.000 Like, he's a fucking pussy. 1.00

01:15:11.000 He keeps dropping the ball. 1.00

01:15:12.000 Like, is he really?

01:15:14.000 Like, could you do that job?

01:15:15.000 Come on, man.

01:15:16.000 With a freight train coming at you? 1.00

01:15:17.000 You think he's a fucking pussy? 1.00

01:15:18.000 He's just not as good at football as some of the best people. 1.00

01:15:22.000 Well, and it so takes away from...

01:15:23.000 I'll use feminism, for example. 1.00

01:15:24.000 When I do have a genuine criticism of someone...

01:15:28.000 I talk about this in my special, but you're so rarely allowed to voice it because it's like, well, you're just jealous.

01:15:32.000 I'm like, or I am in fact doing the correct feminist thing and judging her on merit of what she has done, and I dislike it, and it has nothing to do with her being beautiful. 0.51

01:15:41.000 I think there's obviously issues that women need more equality in in this country. 0.99

01:15:48.000 I think the issue with the concept of being a masculinist or even the concept of being a feminist is that everyone automatically thinks you care about that more than you care about general humanity, right?

01:16:02.000 Because you're isolating gender. 0.95

01:16:04.000 You're saying, I'm a feminist. 0.80

01:16:06.000 I'm a woman.

01:16:06.000 I support women.

01:16:07.000 I support women's rights and women's values.

01:16:11.000 I support feminism, empowering women.

01:16:14.000 When people hear that, they go, okay, you like women more than men.

01:16:16.000 It might not be that.

01:16:18.000 What it is is I support the idea that we could be treated equally.

01:16:22.000 And I love men. 0.97

01:16:24.000 I love breaking balls with male comics. 0.99

01:16:26.000 I married a dude. 0.99

01:16:28.000 I have made out with some hot dudes.

01:16:30.000 Congratulations again. 0.97

01:16:31.000 I am actually a gigantic frat boy trapped in a feminist body. 1.00

01:16:35.000 But all we're vying for is just to be treated equally and not be made to feel horrific.

01:16:41.000 That's it.

01:16:42.000 I'm not asking for a special treatment.

01:16:44.000 No, I get it.

01:16:44.000 I have zero problem with any of it.

01:16:46.000 Of course not.

01:16:47.000 But my thought on why people react so strongly to it.

01:16:51.000 Good word.

01:16:52.000 It's not a good word.

01:16:53.000 Do I have to sign this?

01:16:54.000 You don't have to.

01:16:55.000 I trust you.

01:16:55.000 This is an affidavit.

01:16:56.000 You have to sign it.

01:16:57.000 It's signing away your rights.

01:16:59.000 But I think that when people hear it, they kind of have that feeling like, oh, she's one of those.

01:17:04.000 Oh, she's a man-hater. 1.00

01:17:05.000 It's almost like the word is so heavy now that it doesn't necessarily accurately portray the intent.

01:17:15.000 Well, it's so fraught with historical weight.

01:17:18.000 And I do think that's changing.

01:17:20.000 But I also believe...

01:17:21.000 It's a word I had never used until like three years ago.

01:17:24.000 And I picked it because I was like, well, this sort of applies.

01:17:26.000 I don't read feminist writings. 1.00

01:17:29.000 The idea that as a woman you're constantly being preached to by other women, like preaching to the choir. 0.71

01:17:33.000 What it is, is I think on a granular level...

01:17:36.000 I enjoy having conversations and most men I know are like they're not these oppressive horrible people and we always look to the extreme left or right to prove our point when in actuality there's a whole population of people who think and feel just like you and that's the key is finding those people and communing with them.

01:17:54.000 Well, you've always been very pro-male. 0.62

01:17:56.000 You've never had a problem with men.

01:17:57.000 But you're also confident and ambitious.

01:18:00.000 And when you're both of those things, and people hear the word feminist, they go, oh, she's one of those. 1.00

01:18:05.000 Like, she's going to be annoying. 1.00

01:18:06.000 But you're not.

01:18:08.000 But there's that thing.

01:18:09.000 And it goes back to what we were talking about earlier.

01:18:11.000 It's the fringes.

01:18:13.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

01:18:13.000 It's not like all men.

01:18:15.000 It's these fucking men that want to sue you because they can't come in. 0.99

01:18:19.000 That's actually more of a guy who's just trying to sue people. 1.00

01:18:22.000 But like, okay, straight pride parade.

01:18:25.000 We were talking about this on the phone.

01:18:26.000 Straight pride parade guys.

01:18:27.000 Right. 1.00

01:18:27.000 Like that kind of shit. 1.00

01:18:28.000 The worst. 1.00

01:18:29.000 Those guys.

01:18:30.000 Like just the idea.

01:18:31.000 Of having that, people that say all men, like the kind of feminists that say all men, I'm like, you're part of the problem. 0.99

01:18:38.000 Because that's just as bad as some guy saying all women are sluts. 0.98

01:18:40.000 Like you are just as bad for marginalizing anyone. 0.99

01:18:44.000 I was hearing this woman talk about sex and she was like, women want this and women want, she was on a podcast, women want this and women want you to slow down and women want you to be gentle.

01:18:53.000 I'm like, no, no, no, no.

01:18:54.000 Some women, some women do. 1.00

01:18:56.000 Some women want to get ravaged. 1.00

01:18:58.000 Look, you're talking to a girl who speaks in generalizations for a living. 0.99

01:19:01.000 Like, women do this. 1.00

01:19:02.000 But that's for jokes.

01:19:04.000 For sure.

01:19:05.000 And by and large, most, you know, these things are right because you've proved it over years and years.

01:19:10.000 But I also, like, sex podcasts are, like, so not my thing.

01:19:13.000 Well, it's just so crazy to speak for all women. 1.00

01:19:15.000 It's like trying to speak for all men. 0.92

01:19:17.000 If I said, men like to be ball gagged. 1.00

01:19:19.000 Men like to be kicked in the balls. 1.00

01:19:21.000 Men like to be tied up and pissed on. 1.00

01:19:23.000 Men like to sell you their shit. 1.00

01:19:25.000 They want you to shit in Tupperware and send it to them. 1.00

01:19:28.000 Well, that's true. 1.00

01:19:28.000 Some men like that. 1.00

01:19:30.000 That's real.

01:19:31.000 Well, let me ask you a question.

01:19:32.000 Okay.

01:19:32.000 Yeah.

01:19:37.000 Yeah.

01:19:48.000 Well, for me, it's been a good little bit of a chance.

01:19:51.000 You're a little bit high.

01:19:51.000 I swear it got in my brain!

01:19:53.000 You're gonna be fine.

01:19:54.000 Joe!

01:19:54.000 Who's your buddy?

01:19:55.000 Joe Rogan.

01:19:56.000 Yeah.

01:19:56.000 Don't worry about it.

01:19:57.000 We're gonna be fine.

01:19:58.000 I have a dog.

01:19:58.000 It's outside.

01:19:59.000 It's a cute dog.

01:19:59.000 I keep remembering I have a dog now.

01:20:01.000 She's very sweet.

01:20:02.000 You want to talk about her?

01:20:03.000 The little situation?

01:20:04.000 Sure.

01:20:04.000 It's crazy.

01:20:05.000 This little girl was on her way to China.

01:20:07.000 No, no.

01:20:07.000 She's from China.

01:20:08.000 Yeah.

01:20:08.000 Well, she's in China.

01:20:09.000 They don't import the meat.

01:20:10.000 They were gonna eat her. 0.99

01:20:11.000 They were gonna eat her. 0.99

01:20:12.000 She has a scar around her nose where her mouth was bound. 0.61

01:20:15.000 Like, it's all around.

01:20:16.000 It's very sad.

01:20:17.000 I noticed it yesterday.

01:20:18.000 I thought she just, because she's a white dog, I thought she had like tear marks. 1.00

01:20:21.000 And then I noticed and went all the way around.

01:20:23.000 And then, but I also realized that she lets me kiss her on the mouth.

01:20:27.000 So she's not weird about that.

01:20:28.000 She loves you.

01:20:29.000 I got her less than 24 hours ago.

01:20:31.000 Yeah.

01:20:31.000 I was, I make candy every year for the comedy store Christmas party.

01:20:35.000 I make it for all the employees.

01:20:36.000 And it's actually a really difficult thing to hand out because out of uniform, I can't remember who works and who doesn't.

01:20:42.000 Like, you know, a couple waitresses.

01:20:43.000 Right, right, right.

01:20:44.000 I remember last year I had my bag of candy.

01:20:45.000 It's this homemade sponge candy.

01:20:47.000 And I went up to this girl and I just said, do you work here?

01:20:50.000 Meaning if you do, I'm going to give you candy.

01:20:51.000 Right.

01:20:52.000 It was as if I had set her mother on fire.

01:20:55.000 She goes, no sweetie, I'm a comic.

01:20:57.000 And I was like, I just walked away.

01:20:59.000 But it's like, but are you? 1.00

01:20:59.000 Because I don't know who the fuck you are. 1.00

01:21:01.000 But also like, don't be a bitch. 1.00

01:21:02.000 Yeah, well, just say no. 1.00

01:21:04.000 Just say no.

01:21:05.000 I was just trying to suss out your work there.

01:21:07.000 Yeah.

01:21:08.000 So I brought this candy.

01:21:09.000 I do it every year.

01:21:09.000 I'm home yesterday.

01:21:10.000 I asked my husband to get sugar, and we had like half a thing of sugar because he accidentally used all of it making something, whatever.

01:21:16.000 He is a chef.

01:21:18.000 He knows what he's doing.

01:21:18.000 We had a holiday party.

01:21:19.000 But, you know, when you say he accidentally used it, you're saying it like he's inept.

01:21:22.000 Well, he didn't. 0.86

01:21:23.000 No.

01:21:23.000 No, he didn't realize he had used so much in making this cranberry thing.

01:21:26.000 And he said, I thought I had left you more, but I needed more.

01:21:29.000 Oh.

01:21:30.000 So I called a friend.

01:21:31.000 I said, can I have some of your sugar?

01:21:32.000 She's like, why don't you just go to the store at the bottom of the hill and get it?

01:21:35.000 And then you found a dog.

01:21:36.000 Well, I go there and there are these two, what are they?

01:21:40.000 Beagles.

01:21:41.000 And they were for adoption.

01:21:42.000 And I really want a dog.

01:21:43.000 And there was a giant husky that was like your size.

01:21:46.000 And I was like, maybe I'll have a husky.

01:21:48.000 It was too big.

01:21:48.000 And I'm starting to like convince myself, like maybe I have a beagle.

01:21:51.000 And the lady was Chinese. 1.00

01:21:53.000 She was like, we have more dogs in the car.

01:21:55.000 She opened up the car and there was like seven cute little white dogs and I picked up this one and I just started crying.

01:22:01.000 My dog died while I was on tour in Japan.

01:22:03.000 I never got to say goodbye to Blanche.

01:22:05.000 And I'm just crying and I'm holding this dog and she's white and I was there to buy sugar and I do the girl thing where I'm like and she's white and it's sugar and she's sugar and it's cosmic.

01:22:14.000 Cut to me just putting $300 in a cardboard box with no receipt, no paperwork.

01:22:19.000 I gave this Chinese lady my phone number and I have a dog now.

01:22:23.000 Her name is Tofu.

01:22:24.000 So this lady goes to China and brings them back? 1.00

01:22:26.000 Yep.

01:22:26.000 Wow, that's heavy.

01:22:28.000 And they were all like scheduled.

01:22:29.000 It's a good move to go by Laurel Canyon. 0.97

01:22:31.000 You know, you think that's so many fucking LA people that love dogs are in that area. 0.94

01:22:36.000 So many people and it must work because she wouldn't set up shop there. 0.98

01:22:38.000 LA's a good spot for dogs. 0.71

01:22:40.000 You could have dogs here. 1.00

01:22:41.000 You know, like everybody has a fucking dog. 1.00

01:22:44.000 You know what's weirdly not a dog-friendly city is New York. 1.00

01:22:47.000 Yeah, well, it sucks. 0.76

01:22:48.000 I mean, unless you live right next to Central Park, I mean, to have a dog there. 0.88

01:22:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:22:52.000 If you're in a fucking apartment, you're in a seven-floor walk-up and your dog's got to take a shit, Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:22:57.000 You've got to walk down seven flights of stairs, take this fucking dog out. 1.00

01:23:01.000 Yeah, and then the dog's like sniffing, like, hey, fuck face! 1.00

01:23:03.000 Take your shit already! 1.00

01:23:04.000 And there's so much garbage. 1.00

01:23:06.000 My dog one time found all the pieces to a full Thanksgiving dinner on the streets. 0.98

01:23:11.000 There's so much garbage. 0.93

01:23:12.000 New York gets weird. 1.00

01:23:14.000 And then you have to pick the shit up, too. 0.99

01:23:16.000 You know, I saw there was a bunch of people in Brooklyn that got mad because they have these trees. 0.99

01:23:20.000 And then they have the trees sort of fenced in. 0.96

01:23:22.000 And then people were taking their dog, putting it over the fence, letting the dog shit, and then picking it up. 0.73

01:23:27.000 They were putting signs up there. 0.85

01:23:28.000 They took pictures of these people and put signs up.

01:23:31.000 And like, this is not a toilet.

01:23:32.000 Meanwhile, all of them throw their cigarette butts in the street.

01:23:35.000 A lot of them do, right?

01:23:35.000 I lived in Brooklyn for seven weeks this year because I was shooting my show.

01:23:39.000 And I was appalled.

01:23:40.000 You think of New Yorkers as this intelligent race, and they're all just throwing... 1.00

01:23:44.000 Cigarette smokers almost universally do that.

01:23:47.000 It's...

01:23:48.000 Where do you...

01:23:48.000 I just went on a rant about this recently.

01:23:51.000 Where do you think that's going?

01:23:53.000 Think about it.

01:23:54.000 My friend John, actually, I confronted him about that.

01:23:56.000 He's like, ah, somebody gets paid to pick that up.

01:23:58.000 Nope.

01:23:58.000 I did it to a comedy store worker the other day.

01:24:00.000 I go, what are you doing?

01:24:01.000 You be better.

01:24:02.000 And he picked it up.

01:24:03.000 You have to shame someone so that they remember.

01:24:05.000 People I love and respect do that in the back parking lot of the comedy store.

01:24:08.000 I'm like, what are you doing, man?

01:24:09.000 You're littering?

01:24:09.000 You gotta say something.

01:24:11.000 I don't think of it as littering.

01:24:12.000 There's something weird.

01:24:13.000 But think of it.

01:24:14.000 Right.

01:24:15.000 Think of it.

01:24:15.000 Why do you think they don't think of it as littering?

01:24:17.000 Because it's always been done.

01:24:19.000 And they think someone's sweeping it up.

01:24:21.000 Not only are these cartridges going in our oceans and in our fish, these could set fires.

01:24:26.000 It's just overall health. 1.00

01:24:27.000 And also, don't be a piece of shit. 1.00

01:24:29.000 Don't throw things on the ground. 1.00

01:24:31.000 Not even food.

01:24:32.000 Like, we all think you throw an apple core out.

01:24:34.000 It's okay.

01:24:34.000 It isn't.

01:24:35.000 That attracts animals.

01:24:37.000 It doesn't, like, to parts where it shouldn't be, like, on a road.

01:24:40.000 Driving by a wooded area. 0.99

01:24:42.000 Yeah, throwing the fucking wooded area. 1.00

01:24:43.000 But people just throw trash out. 0.99

01:24:45.000 Nobody considers, realizes that, like, this is your community and this is your home.

01:24:49.000 Yeah.

01:24:49.000 And it, I won't even drink out of plastic.

01:24:52.000 Yeah, the cigarette thing is one of the weirder ones. 1.00

01:24:54.000 Because I always felt like maybe it's because they're treating themselves like shit. 1.00

01:24:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:24:59.000 Here's a question.

01:24:59.000 You're driving down the road with your window open smoking a cigarette.

01:25:02.000 So you know that the smoke needs to...

01:25:05.000 You know the smoke is bad because you're letting it escape. 1.00

01:25:08.000 Why not just roll up your window and smoke it in your fucking car and kill yourself quietly? 0.99

01:25:12.000 Why do you have to have it open or smokers that stand in the doorway? 1.00

01:25:15.000 I'm like, it's not any warmer near the doorway if you're smoking outside.

01:25:19.000 You're just making it so that we all have to smell like cigarettes leaving the building. 0.98

01:25:22.000 Yeah, they don't give a fuck about that smell. 0.98

01:25:24.000 That smells weird. 0.98

01:25:25.000 Because the smell of pipes is actually nice.

01:25:29.000 Tobacco is...

01:25:30.000 Yeah.

01:25:31.000 Someone has a nice...

01:25:32.000 The smell of cigars.

01:25:34.000 I like the smell of cigars.

01:25:35.000 It smells good to me. 0.99

01:25:37.000 The smell of cigarettes is always shitty. 0.90

01:25:39.000 I don't know why we can't put... 0.75

01:25:42.000 Perfume doesn't last. 1.00

01:25:43.000 Cigarette smoke lasts four days.

01:25:45.000 And I want that in a perfume.

01:25:47.000 It gets in your clothes.

01:25:47.000 It gets in your clothes like nothing else.

01:25:49.000 Isn't there something pretty you could burn?

01:25:51.000 Just wave it around your body?

01:25:52.000 Some sage type deal?

01:25:54.000 To do what?

01:25:54.000 To get a good smell.

01:25:55.000 Like perfume?

01:25:57.000 Yeah, just wave it over your cooter.

01:25:59.000 Put on your feet. 1.00

01:26:00.000 So my vagina burns? 1.00

01:26:01.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:26:02.000 Like, get smoke everywhere.

01:26:04.000 What if you did Poo-Pourri, that stuff that you sprayed?

01:26:06.000 What if you did that on your body and then walked through a cigarette?

01:26:09.000 Would it deflect?

01:26:10.000 Who would win?

01:26:12.000 Who would win?

01:26:12.000 The bad smell or the good smell?

01:26:14.000 Who will represent us in a Science Off?

01:26:15.000 I walked by this lady the other day.

01:26:17.000 I had to stop because I was tying my shoe.

01:26:19.000 And this lady, her perfume was so strong.

01:26:21.000 I literally wanted to stop tying my shoe and move away from her.

01:26:24.000 You know, some people just go ham with the perfume.

01:26:27.000 Yeah.

01:26:28.000 Like, I know that's not what you smell like.

01:26:30.000 I find it more often is with cologne.

01:26:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:33.000 And I'm just like this.

01:26:34.000 Oh, it's gross.

01:26:34.000 Yeah.

01:26:35.000 It is gross because it triggers something.

01:26:36.000 You're like, this feels cheap. 0.99

01:26:37.000 This feels like I'm 20 in a shitty bar. 0.91

01:26:39.000 Yeah, when I see a dude doing a cologne commercial, I'm always like, do you wear that stuff, man? 0.94

01:26:43.000 No.

01:26:44.000 Hey, Brad Pitt, you really wearing cologne?

01:26:46.000 He doesn't have to.

01:26:47.000 Does he do cologne commercials?

01:26:48.000 Probably in like Japan.

01:26:50.000 Probably does, right?

01:26:50.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:26:51.000 Like Julia Roberts has that one weird European one where she's got her hands tied to like marionette strings. 0.98

01:26:56.000 Well, that was a thing back in the day.

01:26:59.000 It's on Dory time.

01:27:00.000 It's on the outside.

01:27:01.000 Or right in front of you over here, too.

01:27:03.000 But the weird thing is back in the day, like, actors would never do commercials because if you did a commercial, we all knew, even people that were non-actors.

01:27:10.000 They meant the end.

01:27:11.000 Yeah, there was something wrong.

01:27:12.000 So they go over somewhere.

01:27:13.000 Right.

01:27:14.000 I mean, wouldn't you?

01:27:15.000 Here's a million dollars.

01:27:16.000 Just say that you like this beverage. 1.00

01:27:17.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:27:18.000 No one's going to see it. 1.00

01:27:19.000 Now everyone sees everything.

01:27:20.000 Yeah, but back in the day, we'd find out that Julia Roberts does big-time commercials in Japan. 0.99

01:27:26.000 You'd be like, what?

01:27:27.000 Here's the thing.

01:27:28.000 There will be no day of reckoning.

01:27:31.000 I always think about this with acting. 1.00

01:27:33.000 You make a shitty movie, seldom is anyone ever in an interview going to be like, remember that piece of shit you made? 0.99

01:27:39.000 You never have to atone in person for a bad film choice. 1.00

01:27:43.000 Because no one would have the balls to shit on you for trying to make money and make a living. 0.99

01:27:47.000 There he is. 1.00

01:27:48.000 Chanel.

01:27:48.000 There you are.

01:27:49.000 I remember that commercial.

01:27:50.000 That is so preposterous.

01:27:52.000 If I was Brad's friend, I'd play that every time I went over his house.

01:27:56.000 I'd walk in with a boombox.

01:27:58.000 If he came over my house, he'd be on every television.

01:28:00.000 And I'd go, tell me when he's at the door.

01:28:02.000 Tell me when he's at the door.

01:28:03.000 Ready?

01:28:03.000 Go!

01:28:03.000 Play!

01:28:04.000 That's Peak Pit right there, too.

01:28:05.000 With the hair.

01:28:06.000 Legend of the Fall hair.

01:28:07.000 Yeah, that's it. 1.00

01:28:08.000 That's the fucking man who lives in the woods hair. 1.00

01:28:10.000 Look at him. 1.00

01:28:11.000 Hey, how you doing?

01:28:12.000 He's a beautiful man.

01:28:14.000 Beautiful.

01:28:15.000 Not as beautiful as Jace Momoa.

01:28:19.000 I was on set with this actor named Ryan Hansen, who's in, like, Veronica Mars, and we were talking about, like, Would You Rather, and we were just playing this game, and he was like, Who's your celebrity pass?

01:28:30.000 I'm like, No one!

01:28:30.000 It will wreck your marriage!

01:28:32.000 But I just said I thought Jason Momoa was hot.

01:28:34.000 And he just goes, Oh, he would treat you right. 0.99

01:28:37.000 But then when the time came, he would fucking lay it down. 0.98

01:28:40.000 And I was like, Yeah, put that velvet scrunchie on me. 0.99

01:28:43.000 Into it.

01:28:44.000 Okay.

01:28:45.000 So many different kinds of hot. 1.00

01:28:46.000 Weird that that dude's describing how another guy's gonna fuck you though. 1.00

01:28:49.000 A little weird. 1.00

01:28:50.000 It was cool.

01:28:51.000 We were having lunch.

01:28:54.000 He's just hot.

01:28:55.000 Handsome fella.

01:28:56.000 Big giant guy too.

01:28:57.000 Really nice guy.

01:28:57.000 And that scar is from a bar fight.

01:28:59.000 Is it?

01:28:59.000 So manly.

01:29:01.000 Yeah, it's not like painted on.

01:29:02.000 It's legit.

01:29:03.000 He could have lost an eye.

01:29:04.000 Could have.

01:29:05.000 But he didn't.

01:29:06.000 Yeah.

01:29:06.000 He's okay.

01:29:07.000 Right.

01:29:08.000 Like old Frazetta paintings of Conan.

01:29:10.000 Yeah.

01:29:10.000 He had a big scar across his forehead and cut into his eyebrows.

01:29:14.000 I feel like you would want that.

01:29:15.000 Yeah.

01:29:15.000 Like you would want a face scar.

01:29:17.000 Right?

01:29:19.000 If I probably kept fighting, I definitely would have got one.

01:29:21.000 I would have got some.

01:29:23.000 If I just kept fighting.

01:29:24.000 Yeah.

01:29:25.000 I don't want a face scar.

01:29:26.000 I got a small one.

01:29:27.000 Do you?

01:29:28.000 What happened?

01:29:28.000 An Alaskan Malamute bit me on the face on Thanksgiving.

01:29:32.000 Those are weird ones.

01:29:34.000 Those Malamutes bite people in the face. 1.00

01:29:35.000 I will be honest, I was taunting the dog.

01:29:37.000 I was like eight, and it got its revenge.

01:29:38.000 I hear about German Shepherds biting people in the face, too.

01:29:41.000 I love a German Shepherd.

01:29:43.000 I've never had one, but I respect them.

01:29:44.000 They're great dogs.

01:29:45.000 Beautiful dogs.

01:29:46.000 Yeah, they're smart.

01:29:47.000 And a Belgian Malinois as well.

01:29:48.000 Oh, those are real smart.

01:29:50.000 The movie I just did, I had to do like a little half day of training with a Malinois for this scene.

01:29:55.000 And I had to like hold its collar before I let it go.

01:29:57.000 And that dog pulled me. 0.99

01:29:59.000 Yeah, they're fucking strong. 1.00

01:30:01.000 No joke. 0.99

01:30:01.000 Have you ever seen some of the videos where they jump up like these preposterous heights to grab things? 0.99

01:30:06.000 Like a vertical...

01:30:07.000 Yeah, like 20 feet straight up in the air.

01:30:09.000 They jump off people's shoulders and straight up in the air.

01:30:11.000 It's...

01:30:12.000 I don't know where they get the propulsion.

01:30:13.000 They're just ridiculously powerful athletic dogs that are designed to attack people.

01:30:17.000 Yeah, that's what my tofu is going to be.

01:30:19.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:30:21.000 She's got it in her. 0.91

01:30:22.000 She's vicious. 1.00

01:30:23.000 Yeah, for five pounds, she'd fuck you up. 1.00

01:30:25.000 But those Malinois and German Shepherds, they need work. 0.99

01:30:29.000 One of the things that people do, they make a big mistake, is they get a dog like that and they don't do anything with it.

01:30:34.000 That's a working dog.

01:30:35.000 If I had a dog like that, I'd take it with me all over the place. 1.00

01:30:38.000 I would run it every fucking day. 0.99

01:30:40.000 I would throw a ball with it. 0.99

01:30:42.000 You've got to give them active things to do.

01:30:43.000 It's German.

01:30:44.000 It loves precision and productivity.

01:30:46.000 Well, it's a guard dog.

01:30:47.000 Look at that.

01:30:48.000 Look at that dog. 1.00

01:30:49.000 I mean, what in the fuck? 1.00

01:30:51.000 That dog can fly. 1.00

01:30:52.000 That dog can be in the NBA. And then how about how the dog lands?

01:30:55.000 Like a cat!

01:30:56.000 Oh, it lands on a padded thing.

01:30:58.000 But they know how far it's going to go.

01:31:01.000 That is an insane amount of athleticism.

01:31:03.000 If that was a human, I mean, that would...

01:31:06.000 We're watching a dog combine.

01:31:07.000 Yeah, it's like the Hulk.

01:31:09.000 That would be like leaping through the air like the Hulk.

01:31:11.000 It's always hard for me at the airport when I see like a drug sniffing working dog, but it's like a yellow lab.

01:31:16.000 I'm like, really?

01:31:17.000 I can't pet the yellow lab.

01:31:18.000 I don't.

01:31:19.000 I don't.

01:31:20.000 You could ruin the dog.

01:31:21.000 I don't want to ruin the dog and his chances at retirement.

01:31:24.000 You could ruin it.

01:31:25.000 I'm not going to.

01:31:26.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:31:27.000 Those drug sniffing dogs make me fucking nervous because I'm like, what are they looking for? 0.99

01:31:32.000 Not weed. 0.99

01:31:33.000 That's the truth.

01:31:33.000 But you can only teach a dog to look for one thing.

01:31:36.000 You know, you can't say, hey, I want...

01:31:38.000 The truth.

01:31:39.000 The truth.

01:31:39.000 You can't teach a dog, hey, I want you to look for guns and coke.

01:31:43.000 Right.

01:31:43.000 It's like residue or...

01:31:45.000 Right.

01:31:45.000 Do you smell gunpowder?

01:31:47.000 Do you smell marijuana?

01:31:48.000 Like, what do you smell?

01:31:49.000 Like, what do you train the dog to smell?

01:31:51.000 Heroin?

01:31:51.000 Go find mushrooms.

01:31:52.000 Bring them back.

01:31:52.000 Right.

01:31:53.000 Find them. 1.00

01:31:54.000 Find them, you little fuck. 1.00

01:31:54.000 Yeah, definitely the heroin, because I think you can make more things out of that. 1.00

01:31:58.000 Well, it's one that kills you.

01:32:00.000 It's one of the reasons why they should look out for heroin.

01:32:02.000 Fentanyl.

01:32:03.000 If they could smell fentanyl, that would be nice. 1.00

01:32:05.000 They could smell fucking anything. 1.00

01:32:06.000 But I feel like fentanyl, it's more local. 1.00

01:32:09.000 Actually, no.

01:32:10.000 I don't know what I'm talking about.

01:32:11.000 I feel like with prescription drugs, that's more like it ravages a community.

01:32:14.000 And when I think of airplanes, I think weight being pushed through from other countries.

01:32:19.000 But I don't know.

01:32:20.000 I think it's all things.

01:32:21.000 Meth.

01:32:22.000 It's everything. 0.99

01:32:24.000 The really fucked up part about it is it's almost like what we were talking about with football. 0.98

01:32:28.000 That football would be safer if there was no helmets. 0.98

01:32:31.000 It doesn't make sense.

01:32:32.000 Drugs would be safer if they were regulated.

01:32:33.000 We would all be safer if they were legal.

01:32:35.000 I feel that way about prostitution.

01:32:36.000 Yeah.

01:32:37.000 And I'm going to actually broach this here.

01:32:38.000 I was going to write a joke about it.

01:32:39.000 I'm just going to say it.

01:32:39.000 I believe...

01:32:41.000 A state-issued, if you apply for funding, for support if you're going to school, like a loan, or the state's paying for you to go to school, you get a scholarship, you should also be able to apply for a state-issued prostitute. 0.95

01:32:52.000 If you are a little socially awkward, maybe you haven't had sex, because men get weird if they haven't been made privy to the way a woman is, or they haven't had sex and you're going to college. 0.99

01:33:02.000 Let's get you a prostitute. 1.00

01:33:03.000 Let's get you having sex twice a week so you're not afraid of women. 1.00

01:33:07.000 Let's get you a little less weird. 1.00

01:33:09.000 Let's fund a prostitute. 1.00

01:33:10.000 Well, I think if it didn't have the social stigma behind it there's a lot of people that would choose it over working at Wendy's. 0.97

01:33:16.000 Great.

01:33:17.000 There's a lot of people that choose it.

01:33:18.000 As long as it's a choice.

01:33:20.000 The social stigma is that there's something wrong with it, right?

01:33:23.000 Because it's a woman saying, I want to do this with my body. 1.00

01:33:26.000 That's what's upsetting.

01:33:27.000 It's sort of that, but it's also, well, in this country, it's also connected to sex slavery. 0.53

01:33:33.000 We think of it as like if someone is doing that, then maybe they're a sex slave.

01:33:38.000 Like maybe there's someone who's I think that's less on people's radars and it more has to do with the puritanical idea of shaming.

01:33:45.000 There's a little bit of that, but I mean, that was one of the things that they were accusing Robert Kraft of.

01:33:49.000 You remember Robert Kraft, who's the guy who owns the...

01:33:51.000 Croft or Kraft?

01:33:53.000 It's Kraft, right?

01:33:53.000 He's the guy who owned the New England Patriots.

01:33:55.000 He went to a massage parlor and they gave him a happy ending.

01:33:58.000 And the next thing you know, they arrested him and told him there's a video of it. 0.99

01:34:02.000 They were trying to get him to plead guilty and all this different shit that was going on to a guy who's like insanely, insanely wealthy, who just was going there to get jerked off. 0.98

01:34:11.000 But one of the things they said was that he was participating somehow in sex trafficking. 0.99

01:34:17.000 And so they were accusing him of that.

01:34:19.000 That was a big part of what the police were saying.

01:34:22.000 Well, it turned out that none of the girls that worked there were sex traffickers. 1.00

01:34:26.000 They're just prostitutes. 1.00

01:34:27.000 And the woman that did it to him, she was like 40 years old. 0.98

01:34:30.000 But none of this would have happened if it was legal.

01:34:32.000 None of it would have happened if it was legal.

01:34:33.000 But it's also, they were using that term to, they were accusing him of this thing and using that term to brand him this way.

01:34:41.000 Wait, are you telling me that there was a news story where they used a buzzword?

01:34:46.000 Yes.

01:34:48.000 Yeah, it is a buzzword. 0.99

01:34:49.000 But it's a buzzword that's very specific in terms of the difference in the consequences that you would want someone to face, whether they just went there to get jerked off or they participated in sex slavery. 0.98

01:35:00.000 Right, you're not a part of a ring. 0.97

01:35:02.000 I mean, you are because the ring ends with you.

01:35:03.000 So because there's a demand for it, there is a supply.

01:35:06.000 So that is by and large a part of the issue.

01:35:09.000 And I say this not knowing a ton about sex slavery, but I do know that if you take away the stigma, and you can normalize things very quickly.

01:35:15.000 Weed is a great example, right?

01:35:17.000 Yeah.

01:35:17.000 You could do that and even we've done this with women and bodies and the way that we look at people who are overweight and we look at people with different things like we are getting to a place where it's less of a thing.

01:35:26.000 I think you could do that with prostitution. 1.00

01:35:28.000 I think so too.

01:35:29.000 And it's fine and look at it as like this is her choice and if there wasn't an exorbitant demand for it, it wouldn't be a thing.

01:35:38.000 Yeah, it's just you can't tell people what to do with their bodies any other way except when money's involved.

01:35:44.000 That's where I have a problem with it.

01:35:46.000 Except when taxes are involved.

01:35:47.000 Yeah, but it's not even that.

01:35:49.000 It's a societal position, right?

01:35:52.000 If we were going to vote on it, most people would vote on no prostitution because they don't want their daughter or their sister or their mother to be a prostitute or them.

01:36:01.000 They don't want to be a prostitute. 1.00

01:36:02.000 That's why they would vote on it. 0.94

01:36:04.000 But it's the only thing that's completely legal to do.

01:36:08.000 Not only that, but it's what sells everything. 0.99

01:36:11.000 When Brad Pitt is fucking selling cologne, he's telling I'm a hot man. 1.00

01:36:15.000 If you get my cologne, you might get some pussy. 1.00

01:36:18.000 I'm looking right at that mouth. 1.00

01:36:19.000 Yes, look at him.

01:36:20.000 It's beautiful.

01:36:21.000 I agree. 0.98

01:36:22.000 But that is the thing that is fucked up about all this. 1.00

01:36:25.000 Like, a woman can have sex with as many people as she wants for free. 1.00

01:36:29.000 But if she charges, then all of a sudden it's crap. 1.00

01:36:32.000 But you can charge for a back rub? 1.00

01:36:34.000 Like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:36:36.000 You're like, I'm getting off either way. 0.99

01:36:37.000 But it just doesn't make any sense.

01:36:40.000 I agree with you.

01:36:57.000 If she's going to make money that's going to go back into your society, that's going to be put to good use, it's going to be taxed, it's going to be in your community, what do you care what she's doing behind closed doors? 0.96

01:37:06.000 If it's safe and it's regulated, just like weed, all of a sudden, there's standards now.

01:37:11.000 There's a way to sanitize this.

01:37:14.000 Yeah, I think so, and they did it in Australia.

01:37:16.000 They did it in Nevada!

01:37:17.000 Yeah, parts of it.

01:37:18.000 Parts of it, right.

01:37:19.000 But in Australia, they have, I mean, it's full on there.

01:37:22.000 You can do whatever you want.

01:37:23.000 They have brothels. 1.00

01:37:25.000 But I think it's also one of the things that we're conditioned to have a perspective on.

01:37:29.000 It's similar to the drug issue. 0.88

01:37:31.000 Like, I don't want my friends or my daughters or my mother or anyone I know to be a prostitute. 0.99

01:37:37.000 Right. 0.91

01:37:38.000 So we have this position on it.

01:37:40.000 I also don't want them to do coke.

01:37:42.000 Right.

01:37:43.000 But I don't think coke should be illegal.

01:37:45.000 I don't either.

01:37:46.000 I don't think anybody should be able to lock you in a cage because you want to get coked up.

01:37:49.000 Imagine if it were legal, how many less people would be dying just in a drug trade?

01:37:53.000 Yes, and how many more people would be aware of how much you can do because you'd get actual coke. 0.95

01:37:59.000 A lot of the shit you're getting is being cut because you're buying it from people that aren't companies, right? 0.97

01:38:04.000 If you're going to buy something from Nabisco, if Nabisco was selling coke, Put the ingredients on it. 0.99

01:38:09.000 It'd be 100% coke.

01:38:10.000 You'd be able to get real coke.

01:38:11.000 Real coke?

01:38:12.000 Nabisco-flavored cocaine.

01:38:14.000 Moreover, I mean, look in Europe the way that they are with alcohol.

01:38:17.000 Like Italy, for example.

01:38:18.000 Kids have wine when they're little.

01:38:19.000 And sure, there's alcoholics there, but it's less of like a rumspringer freakout when you are able to do something.

01:38:26.000 That's a great way to put it.

01:38:27.000 A rumspringer freakout. 1.00

01:38:28.000 What she's talking about, if you don't know, is the Amish have a thing.

01:38:32.000 It's when they turn like 18, right?

01:38:33.000 Something like that.

01:38:34.000 They get to go ham.

01:38:35.000 They get to do whatever they want.

01:38:36.000 They can watch TV. They can drink and smoke pot and fuck and they go crazy for a short period of time and then at the end of that time they can either leave the church forever or come back and most of them come back. 0.99

01:38:49.000 Right, because that's all you know. 0.99

01:38:50.000 Also, you're probably so hungover.

01:38:52.000 Jesus Christ.

01:38:53.000 Someone make me some oat cakes. 0.69

01:38:54.000 Get me back to cutting logs. 1.00

01:38:55.000 This is bullshit. 0.99

01:38:57.000 Real workout. 1.00

01:38:58.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:38:58.000 Yeah, but that's the truth. 1.00

01:39:00.000 What you're saying is the truth.

01:39:01.000 Like, when you repress people, that's when they want to do things really badly.

01:39:05.000 Oh, for everything, we have this obsession as humans with regulating other people's bodies, minds, everything, with religion, with laws. 0.96

01:39:13.000 Some of them are put in place to make sure we don't accidentally kill ourselves, but by that same token, if you are dumb, like, we always have signs like, don't touch a live wire. 0.96

01:39:21.000 Let them touch it! 1.00

01:39:22.000 If you're dumb enough to do it... 1.00

01:39:24.000 Well, no. 1.00

01:39:25.000 You should have a sign that says, don't touch a live wire because it can kill you.

01:39:28.000 Now, if you read that sign, you still touch the live wire, that's nature doing its thing.

01:39:33.000 No, what that becomes, if you survive, is you suing the state.

01:39:36.000 Well, the sign wasn't big enough.

01:39:38.000 Well, that's a problem.

01:39:39.000 It's a big problem.

01:39:40.000 Yeah, people sue. 0.55

01:39:41.000 We're very sue-happy in this country.

01:39:43.000 Other countries, something happens to you, you break a leg on a city bus, your leg's just broken.

01:39:48.000 That's it.

01:39:48.000 It's not someone else's problem.

01:39:50.000 Yeah, other countries don't even think about suing people over the shit that people sue for in America. 0.98

01:39:55.000 It's a weird game, but it's also, you know, it's there to protect you. 0.94

01:39:58.000 It's there to protect you, I think, a lot, just in discussions with my husband about, like, food safety, and in this country, everything is so sanitized, this, like, anodyne food system we have where everything is wrapped in plastic and refrigerated, and it's all there so that a health and safety inspector can say this is okay.

01:40:15.000 You go to Europe, food is just out, and people are fine.

01:40:18.000 Right.

01:40:19.000 Because companies, I think it has to do with health and safety, of course, but also liability.

01:40:23.000 So much of our regulations and rules are really put in place for liability issues, making sure that somebody doesn't get sued versus your genuine concern for your safety.

01:40:33.000 Because we're so able to just, it's good and bad living in America.

01:40:36.000 You can sue if you feel you've been slighted, but you can sue not to really make a point, just to make some money.

01:40:42.000 Yeah.

01:40:43.000 Yeah, it's not perfect.

01:40:44.000 It's not a perfect system.

01:40:45.000 It's also super complicated.

01:40:47.000 There's so many different rules and regulations and laws and things on the books.

01:40:52.000 If we made three top rules right now, we'll do four.

01:40:58.000 I'll do one when you do one. 1.00

01:40:59.000 Don't be a cunt. 1.00

01:41:01.000 You're going to say C? Is it the C word? 1.00

01:41:02.000 I don't like the word.

01:41:03.000 You don't like it?

01:41:04.000 You say it.

01:41:04.000 I don't care.

01:41:05.000 You don't say it? 0.95

01:41:05.000 How about twat? 0.95

01:41:06.000 Can I say twat? 0.97

01:41:07.000 Yeah, you're just going to sound really old. 0.98

01:41:08.000 Twat?

01:41:09.000 Who says that?

01:41:10.000 Everybody.

01:41:11.000 Everybody?

01:41:11.000 Kids are saying it again.

01:41:12.000 It's like lit.

01:41:13.000 It's back?

01:41:13.000 Yeah, it's back.

01:41:14.000 Lit.

01:41:14.000 You know what else is?

01:41:15.000 Fresh.

01:41:16.000 Fresh to death?

01:41:17.000 Fine.

01:41:18.000 Like, that's fresh.

01:41:19.000 Fine or foin?

01:41:20.000 Someone's fine.

01:41:21.000 He's fine.

01:41:22.000 That's coming back?

01:41:23.000 Guys don't use it though.

01:41:24.000 You know what never left?

01:41:25.000 Guys don't say that girl's fine. 0.99

01:41:26.000 No.

01:41:26.000 Have you ever heard that?

01:41:27.000 No, right?

01:41:28.000 Not since like 2001. Yeah, guys, I think it was the 80s.

01:41:31.000 You know what?

01:41:31.000 Never went away is cool.

01:41:33.000 Yeah, right?

01:41:34.000 Cool's always been cool.

01:41:35.000 But now I feel like cool is more like when something sucks, you're like, cool.

01:41:37.000 Like it's a sarcastic cool.

01:41:39.000 But like, shoes can be cool.

01:41:40.000 Nah, people still use it the right way.

01:41:42.000 Dope.

01:41:42.000 I'm partial to dope.

01:41:43.000 I love dope.

01:41:44.000 When I'm like into it, I'm like... 1.00

01:41:45.000 Yeah, that's fucking dope. 1.00

01:41:47.000 Dope's... 1.00

01:41:47.000 Lit has come back very strong. 1.00

01:41:49.000 I like lit.

01:41:50.000 My 11-year-old used lit all the time.

01:41:53.000 Lit. 1.00

01:41:53.000 It's fucking lit, dad. 1.00

01:41:54.000 Lit, dad. 1.00

01:41:55.000 Have you heard zaddy?

01:41:57.000 Zaddy.

01:41:57.000 A friend of mine is like...

01:41:58.000 Is that Azir's daddy?

01:42:00.000 It's a non-gender binary. 0.79

01:42:02.000 No, no, it's not.

01:42:02.000 It's not.

01:42:03.000 It's like a thing that girls say. 1.00

01:42:04.000 It's like...

01:42:05.000 What is it?

01:42:05.000 It's like a young daddy.

01:42:08.000 It's like a hot term of endearment.

01:42:10.000 Right?

01:42:11.000 It's something...

01:42:11.000 Zaddy?

01:42:11.000 Okay.

01:42:12.000 Z-A-D. It's like a thing that... 0.98

01:42:13.000 It's like a hot dad.

01:42:14.000 They learned it on TikTok.

01:42:15.000 I don't know.

01:42:15.000 Oh, learned it on TikTok.

01:42:16.000 I think it's a hot...

01:42:18.000 Probably a hot dog.

01:42:19.000 What is it, Jamie?

01:42:20.000 The Urban Dictionary.

01:42:21.000 Guy's attractive and fashionable, that's what it is, with swag and sex appeal.

01:42:25.000 Interesting.

01:42:25.000 So yeah, so I was wrong.

01:42:26.000 Using a sentence, you might say, Did you see that guy at the mall?

01:42:31.000 He was a total zaddy.

01:42:33.000 And then we'd be like, what's a mall?

01:42:34.000 That's from 2017. But I think it's already dead.

01:42:37.000 I think that term's dead.

01:42:38.000 There's a rap song.

01:42:38.000 I think it died.

01:42:39.000 Oh, turn that off. 0.91

01:42:40.000 Shut it down.

01:42:43.000 Good lord.

01:42:44.000 I'm gonna get out of your hair.

01:42:47.000 You wanna leave?

01:42:48.000 Is that what you're saying?

01:42:48.000 I can stay.

01:42:49.000 You can stay.

01:42:50.000 Let's talk for a little while.

01:42:51.000 Okay.

01:42:52.000 Okay.

01:42:53.000 What were we just talking about before that?

01:42:56.000 Before we got into that...

01:42:57.000 Oh, I was saying we should make some rules.

01:42:59.000 Right, yeah.

01:42:59.000 You were saying don't be a C. You don't like that word.

01:43:01.000 I just...

01:43:02.000 I don't use it.

01:43:03.000 I don't care if you use it.

01:43:04.000 Twat is good.

01:43:04.000 Twat never went away.

01:43:05.000 It just didn't get that popular.

01:43:07.000 It's sort of like...

01:43:08.000 It came like an Alfa Romeo.

01:43:10.000 It's like a fringe.

01:43:11.000 Totally.

01:43:12.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:43:12.000 A totally fringe car.

01:43:14.000 It's not something people talk about regularly.

01:43:17.000 I'm all for like a brutal... 0.99

01:43:19.000 It's always funny when someone peppers in like a brutal term for vagina. 1.00

01:43:23.000 But it's not a vagina term. 0.99

01:43:25.000 When you say cunt, first of all, for my friends that live in Australia, like my friend Adam Greentree, he throws that thing around like it's a beach ball. 0.99

01:43:34.000 It's actually a weird adjustment for them. 0.98

01:43:36.000 In England, too, they come here and we're like, dude, we don't say that, and that's a thing there.

01:43:42.000 New Zealand, they have that too. 0.98

01:43:43.000 Stylebender has a t-shirt that says something about good cunt. 1.00

01:43:46.000 It just says good cunt. 0.99

01:43:48.000 Were you on the show the other night in the main room? 1.00

01:43:51.000 There's a kid sitting in the front row. 1.00

01:43:52.000 His shirt in big bold letters just said, fuck Hitler. 1.00

01:43:56.000 Oh boy. 1.00

01:43:57.000 He's going out on a limb.

01:43:58.000 I hope it's not an ironic t-shirt.

01:44:00.000 And I was like, you're obviously not Jewish. 0.99

01:44:02.000 He's like, I'm not.

01:44:03.000 And I'm like, this is how strongly you feel.

01:44:06.000 And I agree with the sentiment. 1.00

01:44:09.000 I would never wear a shirt that said fuck on it. 0.99

01:44:11.000 And I was like, it's just so jarring to read fuck that big that the rest of the sentiment for me evaporates. 0.99

01:44:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:44:17.000 I just think putting curse words on your shirt is just so aggressive.

01:44:20.000 It's definitely aggressive. 1.00

01:44:21.000 I saw a guy with a t-shirt on in Vegas that said, I'm with Trump, fuck the rest. 1.00

01:44:26.000 And the fuck, the U, and the C had been turned into asterisks, so you had to figure out what it said. 1.00

01:44:36.000 So, like, you saw... 0.99

01:44:38.000 Flick the rest.

01:44:39.000 You saw the K, and you saw the F, but what could it mean?

01:44:44.000 What's missing?

01:44:46.000 What's missing?

01:44:48.000 I was looking at that shirt, I'm like, what in the hell?

01:44:50.000 It's so Las Vegas.

01:44:51.000 Oh my god.

01:44:52.000 Those shirts, and shirts that, remember there was this ironic t-shirt craze for a very long time that would be like, it would say, and only dorks wore them, it would say stuff like, the voices in my head tell me what to do.

01:45:03.000 Oh yeah.

01:45:03.000 Or like, sarcasm department.

01:45:07.000 Like, I'm a cool nerd.

01:45:09.000 You know what that shirt means? 1.00

01:45:10.000 You got ripped off and you bought that stupid t-shirt. 1.00

01:45:12.000 That's all it means. 1.00

01:45:13.000 That's all it means. 0.88

01:45:14.000 It means you're the type of knucklehead that buys a self-defining t-shirt.

01:45:18.000 Like, this is my ethos. 0.95

01:45:19.000 This is who I am.

01:45:20.000 How dare you?

01:45:21.000 How dare you?

01:45:22.000 What am I wearing?

01:45:23.000 What's on this?

01:45:23.000 What are you wearing?

01:45:24.000 A regular shirt?

01:45:25.000 Oh, I got an aggressive shirt on.

01:45:27.000 Oh, what is it?

01:45:27.000 Show me.

01:45:28.000 It might even have an F word on it. 1.00

01:45:29.000 Oh my god, it's a skull with a fucking, with a... 1.00

01:45:32.000 Oh, it says... 1.00

01:45:33.000 Camouflage hat.

01:45:35.000 What does it say at the top?

01:45:36.000 It says, Marines never die.

01:45:37.000 They just go to hell to get...

01:45:39.000 What is it?

01:45:40.000 They just go to hell to regroup. 0.98

01:45:43.000 Okay. 0.85

01:45:45.000 I love vintage military shirts.

01:45:46.000 So is that like a legit vintage shirt?

01:45:48.000 Yeah.

01:45:48.000 Like somebody made it in the 80s and it survived in someone's basement and they brought it to the thrift shore?

01:45:53.000 It's a term I've heard.

01:45:54.000 Like they never die. 0.99

01:45:55.000 They just go to hell, whatever.

01:45:56.000 I've had the shirt for a very long time and I got it from a vintage store.

01:46:01.000 I had a friend of mine that I used to work with in construction.

01:46:04.000 He had a tattoo that said, death before dishonor.

01:46:08.000 And some guy came up to me and said, were you in the service?

01:46:10.000 He goes, no, I just always liked it.

01:46:13.000 I'm like, oh, all right. 1.00

01:46:14.000 I saw somebody, some of the guy on the set the other day was wearing it and I gave him so much shit. 0.99

01:46:18.000 He's just some dude. 1.00

01:46:19.000 Death before dishonor?

01:46:20.000 I'm like, do you know what it says?

01:46:21.000 Yeah, I just liked it.

01:46:22.000 I'm like, what does it mean to you?

01:46:23.000 It's just a shirt.

01:46:24.000 My wife picked it out.

01:46:25.000 I'm like, it's just such an aggressive statement.

01:46:28.000 And you're mad at him.

01:46:30.000 I wasn't mad.

01:46:31.000 You were a little mad.

01:46:31.000 I asked him.

01:46:32.000 You sound like you're mad.

01:46:33.000 What is this?

01:46:34.000 What is this gaslighting?

01:46:37.000 No, I'm just saying.

01:46:38.000 As a woman.

01:46:39.000 That's another great term.

01:46:39.000 I love that term.

01:46:40.000 I love a good gaslighting.

01:46:41.000 Gaslighting is weird.

01:46:42.000 Twat.

01:46:43.000 Here it goes. 1.00

01:46:43.000 A woman's genitals! 1.00

01:46:45.000 That's the second one. 1.00

01:46:46.000 A person regarded as stupid or obnoxious is number one. 1.00

01:46:49.000 A woman's genitals. 1.00

01:46:50.000 I mean, who says stick it in my twat? 1.00

01:46:53.000 Like, during sex? 1.00

01:46:54.000 That would be a nightmare. 0.98

01:46:55.000 That would be...

01:46:56.000 Because what's after that?

01:46:57.000 Like, where do you go from there if that's what you open with?

01:47:00.000 When a girl says put it in my con, it's got to be jarring. 0.97

01:47:03.000 Yeah, I'd be like, why am I having sex with her? 0.99

01:47:05.000 That's jarring. 0.97

01:47:05.000 Like, what is... 0.97

01:47:06.000 What are you saying?

01:47:07.000 Why are you saying it like that?

01:47:09.000 Even...

01:47:09.000 Even, like...

01:47:10.000 Cock is so aggressive. 0.99

01:47:12.000 And sometimes you have to, but you can't say penis. 1.00

01:47:15.000 Right. 0.99

01:47:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:47:16.000 Put your penis in me. 1.00

01:47:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:18.000 Yeah.

01:47:18.000 Right.

01:47:19.000 I used to do a bit about the word cock. 0.99

01:47:20.000 It sounds like it's wearing a sombrero and carrying a gun. 0.99

01:47:24.000 Because it's cock? 0.99

01:47:25.000 It's just like it sounds manly. 1.00

01:47:27.000 The word cock is a fucking manly word. 1.00

01:47:30.000 Like penis. 1.00

01:47:32.000 Sliv? 1.00

01:47:32.000 It's too soft. 1.00

01:47:35.000 It's penis. 1.00

01:47:36.000 You know, it's like, can I get you in my penis? 1.00

01:47:39.000 Can I put my penis in your sliv? 1.00

01:47:41.000 Yeah, it's like, what do you think of my penis? 1.00

01:47:44.000 What? 1.00

01:47:44.000 What do you think of my penis? 1.00

01:47:46.000 I like it like my penis. 1.00

01:47:49.000 Penis? 1.00

01:47:50.000 I like my penis. 1.00

01:47:51.000 It's just, like, also vagina. 1.00

01:47:53.000 Like, if a girl says, my vagina, we think about my... 1.00

01:47:56.000 It's too clinical. 0.99

01:47:57.000 It is, but it's okay, because it's like, you could have, like...

01:47:59.000 A girl can say that, I think. 0.94

01:48:02.000 Easier. 0.99

01:48:03.000 I think sending a girl a dick pic, and I know I'm opening a floodgate with this, but try not to be an animal about it, folks. 1.00

01:48:07.000 If you send a girl an unrequited dick pic, and you just write, what do you think about my penis? 1.00

01:48:13.000 She's gonna have such a mixed bag of emotions. 1.00

01:48:17.000 No one gets more dick pics than Whitney. 1.00

01:48:19.000 I told her that she needs to write a book and publish all these. 1.00

01:48:23.000 Just blur out everybody's face and publish all these dick pics. 1.00

01:48:26.000 And blur out the dicks. 1.00

01:48:27.000 She shares us. 0.99

01:48:28.000 No! 0.99

01:48:28.000 Leave the dicks. 0.99

01:48:29.000 She shares them to us in this group text that I'm in with her. 0.98

01:48:33.000 It's me and Delia and Swartzen and she'll send us these pictures that these guys send her.

01:48:37.000 We're all like, you gotta write a book.

01:48:39.000 This is so crazy.

01:48:40.000 You gotta write a book.

01:48:41.000 Have you seen this?

01:48:41.000 There's so many.

01:48:42.000 There's an app that blurs out part of the picture to make it look like your dick has been blurred out. 0.99

01:48:46.000 Oh. 0.99

01:48:47.000 It's awesome. 1.00

01:48:48.000 So it makes it look like your dick's hanging out. 0.99

01:48:50.000 Like if you're just sitting there and then it'll just put a blurry thing next to your leg. 0.99

01:48:53.000 Did you see that one dude that they took down his photo on Instagram?

01:48:57.000 And all he was doing, he was wearing shorts.

01:48:59.000 Just a really muscular gentleman with a large hog.

01:49:02.000 And he was wearing shorts.

01:49:04.000 And they were like boxer briefs. 1.00

01:49:06.000 And his dick was so big that you could see it in the boxer briefs. 1.00

01:49:10.000 So Instagram took down his fucking photo. 1.00

01:49:13.000 No, that's not cool. 1.00

01:49:14.000 A dick in briefs! 1.00

01:49:17.000 As per restriction, it is shrouded, and it should stand. 1.00

01:49:20.000 Shrouded, good way to put it.

01:49:21.000 Yeah, and it should stand.

01:49:23.000 You are on point with the vocabulary in this podcast.

01:49:25.000 Talking about the famous Jason Derulo?

01:49:27.000 Yes!

01:49:28.000 Oh, that?

01:49:28.000 Yes!

01:49:29.000 Wait, I'm taking my hat off.

01:49:30.000 Did you see it?

01:49:31.000 I didn't see this.

01:49:31.000 No, I just Googled it.

01:49:32.000 It's real recent. 0.81

01:49:33.000 And dude, the guy's got a big hog.

01:49:35.000 He's a very well-built gentleman, all around, very muscular and handsome with a large hog.

01:49:42.000 Put the photo up.

01:49:43.000 Yeah, put the photo up right now.

01:49:45.000 Eliza can drool over this. 1.00

01:49:46.000 I can do it, bro.

01:49:47.000 So look at this.

01:49:47.000 Look at this gentleman.

01:49:48.000 First of all, what does this guy do?

01:49:50.000 He's a singer, a dancer.

01:49:51.000 He's going to be in the new Cats.

01:49:52.000 That's what he does?

01:49:53.000 He's going to be in the new Cats? 1.00

01:49:54.000 How the fuck is a guy that manly in the... 0.99

01:49:57.000 That doesn't make sense. 0.99

01:49:58.000 But anyway, you can see by the outline of the hog.

01:50:02.000 Oh my god. 0.52

01:50:02.000 Yeah, it's quite a hog. 0.52

01:50:03.000 Look at that. 0.72

01:50:04.000 But you know what?

01:50:04.000 It's not terribly...

01:50:05.000 You've got to look for it.

01:50:06.000 It's not terribly prominent.

01:50:07.000 You've got to look for it.

01:50:07.000 It's not...

01:50:07.000 It should not have had that taken down.

01:50:09.000 What is he going to do? 1.00

01:50:10.000 You've got a problem because he's got a big dick? 0.99

01:50:12.000 Is that really what's getting it taken down? 1.00

01:50:14.000 Who complained? 1.00

01:50:15.000 Some asshole. 1.00

01:50:16.000 He should put it back and just blur it out. 1.00

01:50:18.000 Did he put it back?

01:50:19.000 Did he blur it?

01:50:20.000 I don't know.

01:50:21.000 He should just put it back the way it is, really.

01:50:23.000 No, it's fine.

01:50:24.000 He should protest it.

01:50:25.000 He should.

01:50:26.000 It's nonsense.

01:50:27.000 I got no problem with that. 0.99

01:50:29.000 The guy's shredded with a large hog.

01:50:32.000 Congratulations, sir. 0.71

01:50:33.000 He's shredded with a large hog.

01:50:35.000 Yeah, he's shredded with a large hog.

01:50:36.000 It's the American dream.

01:50:37.000 It is the American dream. 0.99

01:50:38.000 You're shitting on the American dream, Instagram. 1.00

01:50:41.000 You're un-American if you don't like a shrouded hog. 1.00

01:50:44.000 He did cover it up. 0.62

01:50:44.000 What did he do? 0.62

01:50:45.000 Pixelate it?

01:50:45.000 He put a big cap there.

01:50:46.000 He put another dick over it. 1.00

01:50:47.000 What did he do? 1.00

01:50:48.000 He cut out another dick. 1.00

01:50:48.000 He put a Subway there. 1.00

01:50:51.000 Is this better?

01:50:52.000 That's way better.

01:50:53.000 He put a Subway sandwich there. 0.99

01:50:55.000 That's fucking hilarious. 0.99

01:50:58.000 He should be congratulated on his physique as well. 0.99

01:51:00.000 That's some long hours in the gym right there.

01:51:02.000 That is some high-weight, low-rep commitment.

01:51:05.000 Yeah, 100%.

01:51:05.000 That dude is working out.

01:51:08.000 That dude's working out. 1.00

01:51:10.000 He's doing shit. 1.00

01:51:11.000 And showing his hog. 1.00

01:51:13.000 What is the problem, folks?

01:51:14.000 Is that when we're scared of hogs behind cloth? 1.00

01:51:17.000 Also, who says social media has to be a bastion of purity?

01:51:21.000 Yeah.

01:51:22.000 Right.

01:51:22.000 Twitter's not...

01:51:23.000 It's a garbage wasteland. 1.00

01:51:24.000 I love Twitter for that. 1.00

01:51:25.000 Twitter shows all kinds of fucking and sucking and chaos. 1.00

01:51:28.000 Maybe because Facebook owns it. 1.00

01:51:30.000 I don't know.

01:51:32.000 Probably, yeah.

01:51:33.000 I think they just don't want porn on it.

01:51:35.000 They don't want porn and most really violent images are hidden.

01:51:39.000 You have to click on it to click through.

01:51:41.000 I'm okay with that because I follow a lot of nature accounts and maybe today I don't want to see a baby seal clubbed.

01:51:45.000 And it's good to know that those images are there so it's present in your mind.

01:51:48.000 But define porn.

01:51:50.000 Is that porn? 1.00

01:51:51.000 And if his dick were smaller? 1.00

01:51:52.000 No, that guy's not porn. 1.00

01:51:54.000 Right, so where do we draw the line here?

01:51:56.000 Well, Twitter would have no problem with that.

01:51:58.000 Twitter keeps up most things.

01:51:59.000 In fact, they took down when Tim Dillon did that Meghan McCain spoof.

01:52:04.000 Have you ever seen that?

01:52:05.000 Mm-mm. 0.99

01:52:06.000 One of the best fucking things on the internet. 0.99

01:52:08.000 Tim Dillon as Meghan McCain. 0.99

01:52:10.000 Do you know Tim?

01:52:10.000 Mm-mm.

01:52:11.000 You don't know Tim Dillon?

01:52:12.000 Uh-uh. 0.99

01:52:12.000 Oh my god, he's fucking hilarious. 0.99

01:52:13.000 He's a big, heavy gay guy who does the best Meghan McCain impression of all time. 0.99

01:52:19.000 He's a hilarious comic. 0.95

01:52:21.000 But you can't put a label on this guy.

01:52:23.000 He's brilliant. 0.92

01:52:24.000 And he's so fucking funny. 0.79

01:52:26.000 Pull it up for Eliza. 0.96

01:52:28.000 Look at it.

01:52:28.000 Bring it to the beginning.

01:52:29.000 Bring it to the beginning.

01:52:30.000 Give me some volume.

01:52:35.000 What's going on here?

01:52:37.000 What's holding on here?

01:52:39.000 Moments...

01:52:40.000 Moments away?

01:52:41.000 We're moments away.

01:52:43.000 It's on mute, I think.

01:52:44.000 What is happening?

01:52:45.000 No, it's not. 1.00

01:52:47.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:52:48.000 Well, I mean, I get the joke. 1.00

01:52:49.000 No, no, no, no.

01:52:50.000 I need to get it harder.

01:52:51.000 He goes hard in the paint.

01:52:53.000 See if you can sort that out.

01:52:54.000 Jamie will sort it out.

01:52:55.000 Anyway, Instagram took this down, this video.

01:53:01.000 You can only get it on YouTube and on Twitter now.

01:53:03.000 Twitter left it up.

01:53:05.000 Twitter leaves up everything.

01:53:06.000 I think two of the highest forms of comedy are people falling and men dressed as women. 0.92

01:53:11.000 Oh, yeah.

01:53:11.000 It's never not funny.

01:53:13.000 Here it goes.

01:53:14.000 Bring it from the beginning.

01:53:15.000 But here's the thing.

01:53:16.000 Megan McCain blocked him on Twitter.

01:53:18.000 Well, I wouldn't love that either.

01:53:19.000 She did?

01:53:20.000 Yes, she did.

01:53:20.000 Oh, okay.

01:53:21.000 Yeah.

01:53:23.000 Someone from Megan has asked to be on this podcast, and I would have her on with Tim in a heartbeat.

01:53:29.000 Crank the volume up, please.

01:53:30.000 Before my father died, I had a baby with him.

01:53:33.000 And we're going to...

01:53:34.000 It will be raised in captivity.

01:53:36.000 It'll be raised privately to be the greatest politician that has ever lived.

01:53:41.000 My name is Meghan McCain, and I'm on a news show called The View. 1.00

01:53:44.000 And Donald Trump, that fucking riverboat casino captain, is talking shit about my father. 1.00

01:53:49.000 My father was tortured for a hundred years for this fucking country, and he came back and he started seven wars because he's a gentleman. 1.00

01:53:57.000 Fuck you, Trump. 1.00

01:53:58.000 I'm gonna wear my father's skin mask, and I'm gonna primary Trump from the right. 1.00

01:54:03.000 Come on The View, bitch. 1.00

01:54:04.000 If you're that tough, come on The View. 1.00

01:54:07.000 You want an Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? 1.00

01:54:10.000 You want this shit? 1.00

01:54:11.000 You want to fuck these tits, Trump? 1.00

01:54:13.000 You want to fuck these tits? 1.00

01:54:15.000 No, you don't. 1.00

01:54:16.000 You want to suck cock. 1.00

01:54:17.000 But I won't fuck you because the only person I'll fuck is Danny. 1.00

01:54:21.000 I'll fuck his corpse. 1.00

01:54:22.000 I'll fuck Danny's corpse. 1.00

01:54:26.000 Wow. 1.00

01:54:28.000 Riverboat casino captain. 1.00

01:54:30.000 He's fucking genius. 1.00

01:54:31.000 He's an animal. 1.00

01:54:33.000 Funny and a good dude, too.

01:54:34.000 Really, really good dude.

01:54:36.000 Um, what was my point?

01:54:37.000 Oh, Twitter had no problem with that.

01:54:38.000 What about freedom of speech?

01:54:39.000 Yeah, what about freedom of speech?

01:54:41.000 That's funny.

01:54:42.000 He's being funny.

01:54:42.000 Come on.

01:54:43.000 He's not inciting a riot.

01:54:44.000 He's not calling for anyone.

01:54:46.000 Is it her favorite thing ever?

01:54:48.000 No, but where do you draw the line then?

01:54:50.000 Listen, it's not her.

01:54:51.000 He's making fun of her saying things she never said.

01:54:53.000 It's funny.

01:54:54.000 It's all it is, it's funny.

01:54:55.000 But also, it's like, if you're gonna get that taken, like, where is that line?

01:54:59.000 Where is that line?

01:54:59.000 And no one can laugh at anything now.

01:55:01.000 Right.

01:55:01.000 I completely agree.

01:55:02.000 And who's deciding?

01:55:03.000 Unfunny people.

01:55:04.000 Exactly.

01:55:05.000 Unfunny people are in charge of comedy in studios, in meetings, in pitches, in comedy clubs, in audiences.

01:55:12.000 And the fate of your career rests in the hands of someone who is not qualified to handle comedy.

01:55:17.000 Not only that, the hands of someone who wants to let everyone know they're woke.

01:55:22.000 Let everyone know they're adhering to progressive ideology.

01:55:25.000 Let everyone know they're upholding these community standards.

01:55:28.000 They all decide are important.

01:55:30.000 Inclusivity.

01:55:31.000 I was reading about this girl who got fired from a show. 1.00

01:55:35.000 They didn't bring her back because she said that she had all these requests for people being cast on the show.

01:55:42.000 She wanted an interracial couple. 1.00

01:55:44.000 She wanted a gay character.

01:55:46.000 She wanted all these things, and they didn't do it.

01:55:49.000 They got rid of her, and she was complaining that they're not in favor of inclusivity.

01:55:55.000 Imagine if you wrote a show.

01:55:57.000 Just imagine if you're a writer.

01:55:58.000 You wrote a show.

01:55:58.000 You got this show.

01:55:59.000 You got this idea.

01:56:00.000 I'm going to do a shop, a coffee shop, and these people work there and have them interact with customers, some crazy stuff.

01:56:06.000 I have it all written out.

01:56:07.000 And someone who you cast, you say, okay, you're going to be Thelma.

01:56:10.000 You're going to be the waitress.

01:56:11.000 She's like, yes, I like that.

01:56:13.000 Yes.

01:56:13.000 Okay.

01:56:14.000 She gets the part.

01:56:15.000 Then she's like, I need you to have a transgender couple on this show. 1.00

01:56:18.000 Oh, she was the actress, not the writer.

01:56:19.000 No, not the writer.

01:56:20.000 I want you to have an interracial couple. 1.00

01:56:22.000 I want this to be inclusive.

01:56:25.000 Inclusive.

01:56:26.000 And they're like, what is this lady doing? 0.82

01:56:27.000 Are you writing the show?

01:56:28.000 Are you an actor now?

01:56:30.000 I'm all for all of these things.

01:56:32.000 I think sometimes what we have to be afraid of is tokenism.

01:56:35.000 You want it always to be an organic story and we do have a problem with not populating our worlds with enough variety because white people see white things and people see things a certain way.

01:56:44.000 You never want the tokenism.

01:56:46.000 Like I never want to think I'm somewhere just because I'm a girl.

01:56:49.000 I want to be there, you know?

01:56:50.000 But it's tough because where do you draw that line?

01:56:52.000 For my sketch show, which comes out in the spring...

01:56:55.000 For my writers, I wanted a diverse writing team because I wanted to make sure that we were not inclusive, but also that we were making a smart show that wasn't just from one point of view.

01:57:07.000 You wanted from different perspectives, but you also wanted quality.

01:57:09.000 You wouldn't sacrifice quality just to get a demographic.

01:57:12.000 No.

01:57:13.000 And so what I did was, because to me this was an infallible way to do it, I had all the writer's packets, because people submit writing packets and samples, I had their names taken off of it.

01:57:22.000 So that when I read your packet, I was reading it and I could only base my opinion on the content of the comedy.

01:57:27.000 Good idea.

01:57:28.000 I ended up with three Jews.

01:57:29.000 Ha! 0.89

01:57:30.000 Ha! 0.89

01:57:30.000 But we had 28 submissions, and there were some we liked, some we didn't. 0.89

01:57:34.000 We narrowed it down, but I never knew what the person's name was or what they looked like until I said I like it and we scheduled a meeting.

01:57:41.000 Good for you.

01:57:41.000 That's smart.

01:57:42.000 That's a great way to do it.

01:57:43.000 That's a meritocracy.

01:57:44.000 That's what you really want.

01:57:46.000 And the thing about this inclusivity, it's like...

01:57:49.000 Yes, you want a world where everyone gets a chance, but you don't want equality of outcome.

01:57:54.000 It doesn't work that way.

01:57:56.000 What you want is people to rise to the top.

01:57:58.000 And when you're dealing with mathematics, you're going to get a lot of European Jews, right? 1.00

01:58:02.000 You're going to get a lot of Asian people.

01:58:03.000 Why?

01:58:03.000 Because they've studied that pretty extensively in their countries.

01:58:06.000 It's been a part of their heritage for a long time.

01:58:08.000 It doesn't mean that you're...

01:58:10.000 You're being discriminatory against Italian Americans.

01:58:13.000 It just means like these are the people, for whatever reason, that are more invested in that particular way of thinking.

01:58:20.000 And we can begin to create opportunities and ways into things so that in 20 years, maybe it is, oh, everybody goes to see whatever ethnicity of doctor.

01:58:29.000 We can create these opportunities, but nobody wants to sacrifice performance just for that.

01:58:34.000 But that's why...

01:58:35.000 Go out of your way to include someone, but it can't be like we're just mandating things.

01:58:39.000 And that's for women, that's for anything. 1.00

01:58:41.000 I want to be somewhere because I'm good.

01:58:43.000 Yeah, yeah, 100%.

01:58:44.000 What we want to concentrate on is having people have the quality of opportunity to explore different things that they want to do.

01:58:53.000 And that should be there.

01:58:53.000 And there should be programs created.

01:58:55.000 And sometimes you do have to say, well, we need to take X amount of this many types of people to create that.

01:59:00.000 But if you're given the chance and you do well, you're even that much more of a hidden gem.

01:59:04.000 I always say this with...

01:59:05.000 I see a lot of girls get upset. 1.00

01:59:09.000 And I can't get on this show and I can't do this and that. 0.97

01:59:11.000 But when you do get on a lineup and you fucking crush, you're the one everyone's going to talk about. 0.94

01:59:16.000 So when you're given this opportunity to fucking nail it, it might be hard getting in there, but when you have that chance... 0.97

01:59:21.000 You can't use things as a stepping stone one minute and as a crutch the next. 0.99

01:59:25.000 So just know that if you're the only girl in a lineup, for example, and I'm speaking from a world that I live in, not for anything else, and you fuck up, people are going to think all women are like that because you were the sample. 0.60

01:59:35.000 I would prefer them to not think about it all. 0.89

01:59:37.000 Just think about being the best that they can be.

01:59:39.000 Don't concentrate on your gender at all.

01:59:41.000 Don't, but I think it's something that's always brought up and put in our faces.

01:59:44.000 So if you have to, just know that if and when you do succeed and you are good or just as good, People will remember how great you were, and you will shine more than just the other average dude, the 12 dudes that were on there.

01:59:56.000 Well, I think that's one of the good things about comedy communities is that when people are good, they get respect.

02:00:02.000 It is merit-based.

02:00:03.000 Like I said, there's no brilliant comic out there not getting any credit.

02:00:07.000 Yeah, whether it's Ali Wong crushing or you or, you know, name the woman.

02:00:12.000 Whitney, name a woman who's good. 0.99

02:00:13.000 When they're killing, they're killing because they're a great comic and everybody gives them props.

02:00:17.000 It's not this thing where, like, the men are versus the women.

02:00:20.000 And by the way, to do the men, but to say the guy thing, if you are a mediocre, like, male comic especially now, you're not going anywhere. 0.96

02:00:26.000 Because there's so many people doing comedy and the odds are so against you, you've got to fucking bring it and that gets rewarded. 0.83

02:00:33.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:00:34.000 We've all had to up our games because it's so popular now.

02:00:38.000 Yeah, it's exciting though.

02:00:39.000 I love the competition.

02:00:40.000 It's a great time for all of us.

02:00:42.000 It really is.

02:00:43.000 Comics are more in control. 0.96

02:00:44.000 You can make more comedy.

02:00:46.000 There are more opportunities.

02:00:47.000 When I started in comedy, nobody paid you for spots.

02:00:50.000 And now you get paid.

02:00:52.000 The comedy started, but small shows, nobody gave you money.

02:00:55.000 There weren't that many.

02:00:56.000 I remember I had to run one.

02:00:58.000 There's so much more out there.

02:00:59.000 So you've got to go and carve that out for yourself because it's definitely there for the taking.

02:01:04.000 Yeah, it would be interesting if there was a service that let people figure out how to start off as an open-miker.

02:01:10.000 Like an LA-based service.

02:01:13.000 If you pay $5 a month, they'll give you a newsletter that shows you where all the different spots are.

02:01:20.000 Yeah, or...

02:01:22.000 It should be a little harder.

02:01:23.000 Or figure it out.

02:01:24.000 Yeah, or figure it out.

02:01:25.000 And then once you figure it out, you got it.

02:01:27.000 Or it's your friends.

02:01:28.000 Ask ours around.

02:01:28.000 There are shows.

02:01:29.000 My husband always jokes because we pass a Baja Fresh.

02:01:32.000 I'm like, I did a spot there once.

02:01:34.000 Like, at Abandoned CVS, I did a spot there.

02:01:36.000 Like, there are shows.

02:01:37.000 Comedy is going on everywhere.

02:01:39.000 A lot of coffee shops, right?

02:01:41.000 Yeah.

02:01:42.000 I went to see Poetry Slam once.

02:01:44.000 Did you ever see a Poetry Slam?

02:01:45.000 Mm-hmm.

02:01:46.000 It's so weird.

02:01:47.000 It's so weird.

02:01:48.000 They take it so seriously.

02:01:49.000 Ugh.

02:01:49.000 They take it so seriously.

02:01:51.000 It's one of the most pretentious forms of entertainment that's ever been created.

02:01:56.000 Well, that like staccato speaking.

02:01:57.000 Yeah.

02:01:58.000 Doesn't mean you can't be good at it.

02:02:01.000 But in terms of overall pretentious level, it's probably the highest percentage ever.

02:02:07.000 Yes.

02:02:08.000 You hear people that are saying that you should do that now.

02:02:09.000 You should wave jazz hands.

02:02:10.000 Because some folks have a real problem with loud noises.

02:02:12.000 And if you clap when you like something, it hurts their ears.

02:02:17.000 Gotta be kinder, more gentle.

02:02:19.000 I have noticed younger people snap, which I think, I did a college gig five years ago, and I was like, okay, it doesn't feel as validating as uproarious applause, but...

02:02:26.000 That's like from the 50s.

02:02:28.000 The beatnik poets.

02:02:28.000 That's what they would do at jazz clubs, yeah.

02:02:30.000 Yeah, man, good job, man.

02:02:32.000 It's very, it's cool.

02:02:33.000 And when girls do it, I'm like, yeah, I'm cool. 0.91

02:02:35.000 I'm a young, cool girl, too.

02:02:37.000 I'm young and cool.

02:02:38.000 It's also a competition.

02:02:39.000 How loud can your snap be?

02:02:41.000 Is it based on skin thickness?

02:02:43.000 I don't know what it's based on.

02:02:44.000 Yeah, because your hands are thicker than mine and I have little cricket snips.

02:02:48.000 Someone's listening to this.

02:02:49.000 Just loading a shotgun.

02:02:50.000 Angry.

02:02:51.000 Angry! 1.00

02:02:52.000 What the fuck are you snapping in my ears for? 1.00

02:02:54.000 At a Swedish plate shop. 1.00

02:02:56.000 Yeah, there's different kinds of snaps too, right?

02:02:58.000 Isn't there one like you can go across like the top of your thumb with like your second finger instead of this?

02:03:03.000 That's like a dude thing, like how dudes have like different whistles.

02:03:06.000 Or what's this thing?

02:03:07.000 Yeah, that's the one they do.

02:03:09.000 What is that?

02:03:10.000 I'm afraid I'm going to lose it.

02:03:11.000 What is that supposed to be?

02:03:14.000 Honestly, I don't think everyone's doing it, but it imitates packing a dip, like the dipkin.

02:03:20.000 Yeah, because that's exactly what it looks like.

02:03:22.000 My fingers don't make noise that way.

02:03:24.000 My fingers don't make noise that way.

02:03:26.000 They make noise that way.

02:03:28.000 Ligament on ligament.

02:03:29.000 They don't make noise that way.

02:03:30.000 They're probably not doing it good.

02:03:35.000 Remember arm farts?

02:03:37.000 Those were huge when you were a kid.

02:03:39.000 Make arm farts.

02:03:41.000 Everybody figures that out.

02:03:42.000 My kids figured it out.

02:03:43.000 They thought they were so smart. 1.00

02:03:44.000 I'm like, bitch, I've been doing that forever. 1.00

02:03:46.000 You're trapping oxygen. 1.00

02:03:47.000 Or this.

02:03:49.000 Yeah.

02:03:49.000 Hand farts.

02:03:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:03:54.000 It's just a dry fuck. 1.00

02:03:57.000 Old people. 1.00

02:03:59.000 There's people that can get that whistle that's so ear piercing without doing anything, though.

02:04:02.000 They can just hold their lips in a way.

02:04:04.000 I can't whistle unless I suck on my fingers.

02:04:06.000 I have to put fingers, two on each side.

02:04:09.000 See, I always want to do the finger whistle.

02:04:10.000 I can't.

02:04:11.000 I have to do this one.

02:04:14.000 I won't do it.

02:04:14.000 You did it.

02:04:15.000 Well, not really.

02:04:16.000 That's a whistle reserved for calling dogs.

02:04:19.000 Yeah.

02:04:19.000 Gunner!

02:04:20.000 Brixton!

02:04:21.000 Right.

02:04:21.000 And then you do it.

02:04:22.000 Or when you want your significant other in the bedroom to fuck, right? 1.00

02:04:26.000 I guess. 1.00

02:04:26.000 Let out that whistle. 1.00

02:04:27.000 Like, it's time!

02:04:30.000 Do you need the whistle?

02:04:32.000 No.

02:04:32.000 You could have a drum set.

02:04:33.000 I could literally just be like, babe. 1.00

02:04:35.000 You'd be like, is it time to fuck? 1.00

02:04:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:04:37.000 You said my name.

02:04:37.000 Come on, let's go.

02:04:38.000 I'm always ready.

02:04:39.000 I'm always ready.

02:04:42.000 Rock hard. 0.99

02:04:43.000 Yeah, guys that turn down sucks. 0.99

02:04:44.000 I've heard girls talk about that. 1.00

02:04:47.000 That like, you know, that they're the ones who wanted it and the guy was always saying no.

02:04:51.000 I was like, you're dating a gay guy. 0.96

02:04:54.000 Or he had herpes. 0.97

02:04:55.000 Or he's, whoa, interesting.

02:04:58.000 Think about it.

02:04:59.000 Great.

02:04:59.000 He's like, oh, not today.

02:05:00.000 I definitely, I've had people talk about that.

02:05:03.000 I'm like, he had herpes.

02:05:05.000 Wow, good point. 0.96

02:05:06.000 And by the way, if he's having sex with the intermittent, I think there's also that.

02:05:10.000 It's uncomfortable.

02:05:11.000 Right.

02:05:12.000 Most people have it, so that's probably what it is.

02:05:14.000 Or he's coming down from doing too much coke.

02:05:17.000 Yeah, or there's that.

02:05:20.000 There's a lot of people.

02:05:21.000 I feel like she would know.

02:05:22.000 Maybe. 0.70

02:05:24.000 I dated a girl and I didn't know she was a coke head. 1.00

02:05:26.000 Didn't know until after I dated her.

02:05:28.000 I didn't date her a lot.

02:05:29.000 I saw her rarely.

02:05:31.000 She seemed pretty normal.

02:05:32.000 You can conceal that drug, just like late nights. 0.83

02:05:35.000 Like, I've got a friend who's a total cokehead, but other than the fact that she talks really fast. 1.00

02:05:39.000 You didn't know? 0.96

02:05:40.000 No, no, I do know, but you wouldn't know.

02:05:42.000 Oh.

02:05:43.000 One wouldn't know.

02:05:44.000 Well, that's the...

02:05:44.000 What Adderall is, is people that, like, have an affinity towards that kind of thing, and they can do it every day.

02:05:53.000 That is a giant problem, that drug.

02:05:56.000 And you see people that have, when they're on it, they have this unfounded self-image, like unfounded belief in themselves, like delusional belief in themselves.

02:06:09.000 It's a very strange drug.

02:06:11.000 It's like hubris and pill form.

02:06:13.000 Yep. 0.99

02:06:13.000 It takes away all of your inhibitions about expressing how good you are at things and everyone else sucks. 0.99

02:06:21.000 You find all these faults in people. 0.85

02:06:24.000 You don't find any in yourself.

02:06:25.000 You have unfounded confidence in your ability to get things done.

02:06:29.000 It's a weird drug. 1.00

02:06:30.000 It's a weird drug and a lot of fucking people are on it. 0.99

02:06:32.000 But how good is Scarface? 0.99

02:06:34.000 Oh, it's amazing.

02:06:35.000 It's so good.

02:06:36.000 To this day.

02:06:36.000 And I don't even think his accent...

02:06:37.000 Everyone thinks his accent's bad.

02:06:38.000 I think it's great.

02:06:40.000 It's great!

02:06:41.000 It doesn't sound totally Cuban.

02:06:43.000 It's exactly what a Cuban person sounds like. 1.00

02:06:45.000 Maybe.

02:06:46.000 I know a lot.

02:06:47.000 I mean, Joey Diaz doesn't sound like that.

02:06:49.000 But he's an American person.

02:06:52.000 It's off.

02:06:54.000 It's off, for sure.

02:06:55.000 But it's really good.

02:06:56.000 To find a generation of impressions.

02:06:58.000 Yeah.

02:06:58.000 Oh, yeah.

02:06:59.000 It's an off impression, but it's a really good off impression.

02:07:04.000 Has influenced almost every rapper.

02:07:06.000 Oh, yeah.

02:07:08.000 Do you remember the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Crazy Eyes Killa had Larry David over his house and he plays Scarface 24-7 on his big screen?

02:07:17.000 It's like a Bible.

02:07:18.000 Yeah.

02:07:20.000 But...

02:07:21.000 I mean, it was one of the ghetto boys, Scarface. 0.90

02:07:23.000 But it's an American tale.

02:07:24.000 Yes, it is.

02:07:25.000 What he did.

02:07:26.000 Sure, yeah.

02:07:27.000 Got the girl, came from nothing.

02:07:28.000 Yeah.

02:07:29.000 And made his way up.

02:07:31.000 Yeah, even how he came over here.

02:07:32.000 I mean, it is an American tale.

02:07:33.000 He came to the land of opportunity. 0.99

02:07:35.000 And he had it until Miami PD fucking shot him up. 0.98

02:07:38.000 Have you ever seen Cocaine Cowboys? 0.99

02:07:40.000 Uh-uh.

02:07:40.000 Oh my goodness.

02:07:42.000 One of the best documentaries of all time.

02:07:44.000 My friend Billy Corbin made it.

02:07:46.000 Cocaine Cowboys 1 and Cocaine Cowboys 2. Billy's been on the podcast a few times.

02:07:50.000 He makes a bunch of different documentaries, but those two are just fucking gems. 0.98

02:07:54.000 It shows you how goddamn crazy Miami was in the 1980s. 0.94

02:07:58.000 There was one year where the police academy, the graduating class, half of them were murdered, and the other half of them went to jail. 0.97

02:08:07.000 We went to jail for corruption.

02:08:08.000 It was just coke everywhere.

02:08:10.000 All these pilots talking about coke.

02:08:12.000 All these hitmen. 1.00

02:08:12.000 They got hitmen on film talking about all the shit they did. 1.00

02:08:15.000 It is a crazy documentary. 1.00

02:08:17.000 It's a brutal drug.

02:08:19.000 Well, it's also what defined Miami.

02:08:21.000 My buddy Steve was an ophthalmologist.

02:08:25.000 Shout out to Steve Graham.

02:08:26.000 He was an ophthalmologist during his residency.

02:08:28.000 He was in Miami in the emergency room.

02:08:31.000 He would tell me about dudes.

02:08:34.000 Horrific wounds.

02:08:36.000 Yeah, just to the face. 1.00

02:08:37.000 Just everyone's getting fucked up and shot and stabbed. 1.00

02:08:40.000 It's like a war zone. 1.00

02:08:41.000 Oh, I thought you meant just from coke, like just from doing so much of it, getting into your whole face.

02:08:44.000 People murdering people.

02:08:45.000 Sure. 1.00

02:08:45.000 I mean, it was a goddamn war zone. 1.00

02:08:47.000 Still is. 0.99

02:08:48.000 I mean, not still is, but still is a war, like just the trafficking of it and what that does to our neighbors to the south.

02:08:53.000 Have you ever seen the video of the Coast Guard pulling over the Mexican submarine that's filled with coke? 1.00

02:08:58.000 Cocaine, yeah.

02:08:59.000 And they jump on top of it and bang on the lid.

02:09:02.000 Such an ex machina moment.

02:09:04.000 Like, who's the guy banging on that?

02:09:05.000 We all want to bang on a floating submarine. 0.94

02:09:08.000 And be the kind of man that has the balls to jump on a submarine while it's moving through the ocean. 1.00

02:09:13.000 Yeah, that's fucking... 1.00

02:09:13.000 That's a savage move. 1.00

02:09:15.000 That's lit. 1.00

02:09:15.000 That's lit as fuck. 1.00

02:09:17.000 All that stuff could be avoided if it was legal. 1.00

02:09:20.000 If it was legal, you'd be buying, again, you'd be buying fucking Coca-Cola cocaine. 0.98

02:09:25.000 Which is what our grandparents had. 0.99

02:09:26.000 Yep.

02:09:27.000 Legalize it, sanitize it, regulate it, tax it.

02:09:30.000 Bob's your uncle.

02:09:31.000 Yeah.

02:09:31.000 Do you know that they still use cocaine to make the flavor for Coca-Cola?

02:09:36.000 I challenge that.

02:09:38.000 A coca leaf, maybe?

02:09:39.000 Coca leaf, that's what I'm saying.

02:09:40.000 But not cocaine.

02:09:40.000 They actually take the coca leaf.

02:09:42.000 But cocaine is a byproduct of a coca leaf.

02:09:43.000 Exactly.

02:09:44.000 You're correct.

02:09:44.000 They take the coca leaf, they extract the cocaine, and then it's the number one medical supplier of medical cocaine takes that stuff from the coca leaves that they convert into the flavonoids that they use for Coca-Cola.

02:09:58.000 No, Coca-Cola is all natural.

02:09:59.000 That's why it tastes so good.

02:10:00.000 It tastes so good.

02:10:01.000 It's so good.

02:10:02.000 They did this experiment where they put some Coca-Cola on the floor and then Diet Coke.

02:10:07.000 And bugs wouldn't go near the Diet Coke.

02:10:10.000 Yeah, but that's because it doesn't have sugar in it. 1.00

02:10:11.000 Bugs are stupid as fuck. 1.00

02:10:12.000 I think it's whatever they put in the Diet Coke. 1.00

02:10:15.000 Yeah, but they probably wouldn't go down the floor for water either.

02:10:18.000 They know what sugar is.

02:10:19.000 I feel like they were sugar ants.

02:10:20.000 Sugar works for them.

02:10:21.000 Yeah, but sugar works for them. 1.00

02:10:22.000 I'm just saying, if a bug doesn't want it, But you know how you get like flavor from sugar?

02:10:28.000 Bugs don't necessarily get flavor.

02:10:30.000 They're going to it because they're probably attracted to the smell of it because they know it's going to be effective for whatever they're trying to do.

02:10:37.000 I'm just saying the Diet Coke repelled them.

02:10:39.000 I prefer it though.

02:10:41.000 I prefer the taste of Diet Coke.

02:10:42.000 It's lighter.

02:10:43.000 I like a Diet Coke on occasion with a little bit of lemon.

02:10:46.000 Ooh, how about some lime?

02:10:47.000 Are you racist against limes?

02:10:49.000 Yeah.

02:10:50.000 Big time.

02:10:50.000 That's where I draw my line.

02:10:51.000 Everything else I was okay with, but this, we got a real problem.

02:10:54.000 If you get sparkly water, they ask you if you want limes.

02:10:56.000 You get regular water.

02:10:57.000 Always get lime.

02:10:58.000 Yes.

02:10:58.000 Which is actually kind of hard to find outside of the country.

02:11:01.000 The lime.

02:11:01.000 Lime.

02:11:02.000 You go to a lot of countries, they're like, we have lemon.

02:11:04.000 I'm like, lemon?

02:11:05.000 It's not the same, but some people just don't have limes.

02:11:08.000 Yeah, they don't get it. 1.00

02:11:09.000 Fucking losers. 1.00

02:11:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:11.000 Get some limes in your life. 0.96

02:11:12.000 Get some limes.

02:11:13.000 Belgium.

02:11:14.000 If you can grow lemons, you can grow limes.

02:11:15.000 Not true.

02:11:16.000 No?

02:11:16.000 Nope.

02:11:17.000 Different soil?

02:11:18.000 It's just different.

02:11:18.000 Is it?

02:11:19.000 Yeah, you see a lot of lemon trees in LA. You don't see any lime trees.

02:11:22.000 Maybe it's because people suck. 0.96

02:11:24.000 I think we have an aversion to delicious things here. 0.99

02:11:28.000 Really?

02:11:28.000 I really feel like there's so many fruits that we sleep on.

02:11:32.000 Like what?

02:11:32.000 Like durian?

02:11:33.000 I have some in my house right now.

02:11:35.000 Does it stink?

02:11:36.000 It stinks at my freezer.

02:11:37.000 It's freeze dried.

02:11:38.000 I brought it home.

02:11:39.000 Did you like it?

02:11:39.000 I liked it fresh there.

02:11:41.000 I thought it was really cool.

02:11:42.000 It's weird, right?

02:11:43.000 But I do it as like a party trick just to watch people's faces contort.

02:11:47.000 Mangosteen, super tasty.

02:11:49.000 Mangosteen?

02:11:49.000 Jujubees, which is, I found out recently, an actual fruit, not just a candy.

02:11:53.000 Really?

02:11:53.000 Dried Jujubee.

02:11:54.000 It will change your life.

02:11:55.000 And I brought it to set, and all the Asian girls were like, yeah, my grandma uses them. 1.00

02:11:58.000 And I'd never heard of it.

02:12:00.000 And we just, what do we have? 0.99

02:12:01.000 Apples and fucking grapes? 1.00

02:12:03.000 Sometimes we have melon. 1.00

02:12:04.000 A little bit of melon.

02:12:06.000 Cantaloupe, perhaps? 0.99

02:12:06.000 Everybody thinks it's funny to shit on melons. 0.99

02:12:08.000 I love cantaloupe. 0.99

02:12:09.000 I love melons.

02:12:09.000 Honeydew?

02:12:10.000 Dude, I love them. 0.99

02:12:11.000 When it's hot out, a cold cantaloupe might be one of the best fucking things you can eat in your life. 0.99

02:12:17.000 Barbara Streisand once said her definition of luxury was not having to scoop down to the skin in a cantaloupe. 0.97

02:12:22.000 Like not having to go deep. 1.00

02:12:23.000 She's a wasteful bitch. 1.00

02:12:24.000 It is tasty though. 1.00

02:12:26.000 She's probably throwing straws in the ocean too, right off her balcony into the fucking ocean. 1.00

02:12:29.000 Fuck these turtles! 1.00

02:12:31.000 I went around last night at the comedy store. 1.00

02:12:33.000 I was like, why is everyone having a straw?

02:12:34.000 Men shouldn't use straws. 0.97

02:12:36.000 If you need a straw, great.

02:12:37.000 What about women? 1.00

02:12:38.000 Can women use it? 1.00

02:12:39.000 You know what?

02:12:40.000 Your lipstick's not that sacred.

02:12:41.000 But then the lipstick, you're crushing up bugs, you're wasting it.

02:12:43.000 I don't know.

02:12:43.000 What about paper straws?

02:12:45.000 Do you need a straw?

02:12:46.000 Let's say that you are not medically incapacitated in any form.

02:12:49.000 Do you need a straw other than a smoothie?

02:12:51.000 I do, because it's a good way to make a point.

02:12:54.000 What's the point? 0.99

02:12:55.000 So, like, if I have a straw in here, and I go, well, maybe you should get your shit together. 1.00

02:13:00.000 I'm going to suck on the straw. 0.99

02:13:02.000 It's like when the old-timey guys would take a hit on their cigar. 1.00

02:13:06.000 And I told her, get the fuck out of my room! 1.00

02:13:09.000 It's a good punctuation. 1.00

02:13:10.000 Yeah.

02:13:11.000 I would argue a gurgly sip, like I started this conversation with, is equally as shady, right? 1.00

02:13:17.000 Like, oh, and maybe you should eat my shit. 1.00

02:13:21.000 It is. 1.00

02:13:22.000 It is just as good.

02:13:23.000 It's actually kind of better.

02:13:25.000 No more straws, but more.

02:13:26.000 Because you're guiding your face.

02:13:27.000 No, straws are good, and they're good for a reason.

02:13:30.000 It's a good way to suck liquid through quickly.

02:13:33.000 Shouldn't just be automatically given. 1.00

02:13:34.000 You don't have to tilt your fucking hand back like a savage. 1.00

02:13:37.000 You could just pull in the straw. 1.00

02:13:38.000 Really?

02:13:38.000 Like savages drink tea with their pinkies up?

02:13:40.000 Is that a savage thing?

02:13:41.000 The issue is biodegradable plastic.

02:13:43.000 It's very possible.

02:13:44.000 You make it with hemp fiber.

02:13:45.000 It's not hard.

02:13:46.000 They know how to do it.

02:13:47.000 It literally goes back in the earth in 80 days.

02:13:50.000 That's the thing.

02:13:51.000 They know how to do a lot of these things and we don't because it doesn't make money or people don't.

02:13:56.000 They want to maximize their profitability now.

02:13:58.000 There's a giant business making plastic straws.

02:14:01.000 They can shift over to making hemp plastic.

02:14:03.000 It's really not that hard.

02:14:04.000 Easily.

02:14:05.000 And what kills me is people are like, look, no straw.

02:14:08.000 I'm like, but the whole cup is plastic.

02:14:10.000 These are... 1.00

02:14:10.000 Fucks. 1.00

02:14:11.000 Just saying, we waste a lot of these things. 1.00

02:14:14.000 You got a Yeti?

02:14:14.000 That thing is awesome.

02:14:15.000 Yeah.

02:14:16.000 I have one.

02:14:16.000 Pretty good.

02:14:17.000 Can I have one of yours, too? 1.00

02:14:18.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:14:18.000 I was hoping to get a free one. 1.00

02:14:19.000 I got a free one for you.

02:14:20.000 Great.

02:14:20.000 100%.

02:14:21.000 It's got my face on it.

02:14:22.000 It'll make you feel weird with me drinking your coffee.

02:14:24.000 I've gotten one before, so I'd like another one.

02:14:26.000 Did you give it away?

02:14:27.000 Did you gift it?

02:14:28.000 What did I do with it?

02:14:29.000 I have it.

02:14:30.000 I think I just have two.

02:14:32.000 The plastic lids on Starbucks cups.

02:14:35.000 Those gotta be a problem.

02:14:36.000 It's a huge problem.

02:14:37.000 You can't do it with paper, right?

02:14:38.000 Plastic bottled water. 0.95

02:14:40.000 Yeah, that's ridiculous. 1.00

02:14:41.000 Who the fuck would buy that? 1.00

02:14:42.000 It is ridiculous. 1.00

02:14:43.000 Why is it here, Jamie? 0.93

02:14:44.000 This is outrageous.

02:14:45.000 Who bought it?

02:14:45.000 No one's that thirsty.

02:14:47.000 We're telling Jason Momoa, if he comes here, he's going to shame us all.

02:14:50.000 Tell him I said hi.

02:14:51.000 Some sort of water, like in a can?

02:14:52.000 He sells water in a can?

02:14:53.000 Oh, that's why he's shaming it? 1.00

02:14:55.000 Oh, fucking, I thought he was just virtuous. 0.99

02:14:57.000 Yeah, I didn't know that either. 1.00

02:14:58.000 I just have a filter in my house, and I just drink the tap water.

02:15:01.000 I do, too.

02:15:02.000 But we should get some sort of a big jug.

02:15:05.000 Yep, definitely.

02:15:06.000 You have the beautiful coffee machine.

02:15:08.000 The Laird Hamilton Superfood coffee machine?

02:15:10.000 Yeah, get a Laird Hamilton Superfood water machine.

02:15:12.000 I don't think it works like that.

02:15:14.000 Yeah, ask him.

02:15:14.000 We'll just get something.

02:15:15.000 He lives in the water.

02:15:16.000 He does.

02:15:17.000 He can hook it up.

02:15:17.000 Yeah.

02:15:18.000 We just need to get some sort of glass containers to keep them on the table.

02:15:21.000 Oh, if only we had a container.

02:15:23.000 I know.

02:15:25.000 I am the Lorax, and I'm just doing my part.

02:15:29.000 Speaking for the trees.

02:15:30.000 Well, I remember that movie.

02:15:32.000 I remember that book, too, from when I was a little kid.

02:15:34.000 The movie was actually pretty good.

02:15:35.000 The movie was great.

02:15:36.000 The message is great.

02:15:37.000 I drive a 2009 Honda Civic Hybrid because I don't want to get a new car, and it's a hybrid, and that's the part that I'm doing.

02:15:46.000 I know.

02:15:46.000 You've had that same car forever.

02:15:48.000 I always shit on you for it. 0.99

02:15:49.000 I love it. 0.99

02:15:49.000 You got money, lady. 0.99

02:15:50.000 I know.

02:15:50.000 Get yourself a fat ride.

02:15:51.000 You should get yourself an old Cadillac, a big purple one. 0.97

02:15:54.000 Or maybe a Lincoln with suicide doors.

02:15:56.000 Woo! 0.99

02:15:57.000 Yeah.

02:15:57.000 How about that?

02:15:58.000 Dark?

02:15:58.000 Pimp my ride.

02:15:59.000 Yes.

02:15:59.000 I could pick up so many chicks.

02:16:00.000 Now we're talking.

02:16:01.000 Go Lesbo. 0.96

02:16:03.000 Full Lesbo. 1.00

02:16:03.000 We get a dark purple with a metallic flake. 1.00

02:16:06.000 No, a Lincoln.

02:16:07.000 A big old flake.

02:16:08.000 Four-door Continental with suicide doors.

02:16:11.000 1965. Or I could get a Cadillac, and I could get a Cadillac emblem tattooed on me.

02:16:16.000 Ooh, like Travis Barker.

02:16:16.000 And I could get an old English font.

02:16:18.000 Get one on your neck. 0.90

02:16:19.000 Yeah, I could get it there, and I could start finger-blasting chicks. 1.00

02:16:22.000 Oh, you're going to do that, too?

02:16:23.000 Yeah.

02:16:24.000 Call me zaddy.

02:16:25.000 Okay.

02:16:27.000 I'm going to keep...

02:16:27.000 You were talking about finger-blasting, and I panicked!

02:16:31.000 I'm going to keep the Honda Civic Hybrid until the wheels...

02:16:33.000 I just bought a $700 alternator.

02:16:37.000 Honestly, why do you still have that?

02:16:39.000 Just to see how long it'll last?

02:16:40.000 No, for those reasons.

02:16:41.000 Do you like to pull into the comedy store and feel better than people because you're helping?

02:16:44.000 I would love to show everyone how powerful I am with a nice car.

02:16:47.000 You can afford a nice car, Lee.

02:16:48.000 I know how much you make.

02:16:49.000 It's a hybrid, and I don't need a new car.

02:16:53.000 We live in this society that you're always trying to posture and show off things, and that's fine if a car is your thing, but that's just a way that I choose to help.

02:17:02.000 Good for you.

02:17:03.000 That's it.

02:17:03.000 Well, you're right.

02:17:04.000 You know, if you want to, like, be a conserver of resources, like, you're absolutely conserving resources by driving that old shitty car. 0.98

02:17:11.000 But I think you work hard and deserve a fat ride. 0.96

02:17:14.000 I'm talking about, like, a 2020 Corvette with your name on it.

02:17:17.000 That does nothing for me. 1.00

02:17:18.000 Pink like a vagina. 1.00

02:17:19.000 A Corvette? 1.00

02:17:20.000 Woo! 0.99

02:17:21.000 Come on, chrome wheels, fuzzy dice, let's go. 0.99

02:17:25.000 Who are you talking to?

02:17:26.000 Let's go, Eliza. 0.85

02:17:27.000 Have we met?

02:17:29.000 How about a truck? 1.00

02:17:30.000 How about a truck with giant jacked up wheels like a dude with a little dick? 0.99

02:17:33.000 How about you get one of those? 1.00

02:17:34.000 You say that, but the lesbian part of me wants a fucking truck. 1.00

02:17:39.000 Get one. 1.00

02:17:40.000 How much lesbian do you think you have in you? 1.00

02:17:42.000 Just that truck. 1.00

02:17:44.000 I don't want to kiss a woman, but I do want that truck. 1.00

02:17:47.000 Okay, you don't have to kiss her. 0.79

02:17:48.000 She can just kiss you. 1.00

02:17:49.000 I don't want that.

02:17:51.000 And that's cool if that's the way you are.

02:17:54.000 But trucks, just being from Texas, like my brother's got a nice truck.

02:17:57.000 There's something about being something about a truck. 1.00

02:17:59.000 Let's just pretend that you decided to get rid of that shit. 0.99

02:18:01.000 No, because you're going to judge my truck. 1.00

02:18:02.000 No, I wouldn't.

02:18:03.000 Well, Dodge Ram makes a nice truck.

02:18:05.000 Dodge Ram makes a very nice truck.

02:18:06.000 Extended cab? 1.00

02:18:07.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:18:08.000 They have that big screen too. 1.00

02:18:09.000 They have a great dash setup now.

02:18:12.000 Is there a hybrid truck?

02:18:12.000 2020 models?

02:18:13.000 Hybrid. 0.73

02:18:14.000 It would be a waste.

02:18:14.000 Communist?

02:18:15.000 That's what I'm asking for.

02:18:16.000 No, get one of them Cybertrucks. 0.99

02:18:18.000 I got nothing to put in the bed.

02:18:19.000 Get the Elon Musk Cybertruck. 0.99

02:18:21.000 That ugly man. 0.99

02:18:22.000 How dare you? 1.00

02:18:24.000 That thing's amazing.

02:18:25.000 I love it.

02:18:27.000 I live up a very narrow...

02:18:27.000 Some guy next to me has a Hummer, but I live up a very narrow dirt road.

02:18:30.000 What does a Hummer do? 0.98

02:18:31.000 Just fucking jack everybody's car as he drives by? 0.99

02:18:33.000 It just fucking sits there, covered in one of those military flaps that looks like it has fake leaves on it. 1.00

02:18:37.000 There you go. 1.00

02:18:38.000 Dodge Ram with the fender flares and big old fucking tires on it. 1.00

02:18:42.000 Those gotta be 35-inch tires, right, Jamie? 0.99

02:18:44.000 Is that a zipper on the front of the grille?

02:18:47.000 That looks like a zipper.

02:18:48.000 No, that's LED lights.

02:18:49.000 Oh, that's necessary.

02:18:51.000 It is necessary if you go off-roading.

02:18:53.000 How dare you?

02:18:53.000 Can I tell you, my first boyfriend in high school had a Dodge Ram with a lift kit.

02:18:57.000 Ooh.

02:18:58.000 Did you miss it?

02:19:00.000 No, but it was, I mean, people were kind of like, this is, but it was like a serious truck. 1.00

02:19:04.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:19:05.000 A lift kit while it's super Florida Georgia line and like a little white trash. 1.00

02:19:09.000 I don't know. 0.73

02:19:10.000 When we played Florida, we rented like a big Ford truck.

02:19:15.000 They're great.

02:19:16.000 It's fun to do in the right context, but I don't need that.

02:19:18.000 Well listen, there's trucks now that you drive that drive amazing, like a Ford Raptor.

02:19:23.000 Ford Raptors are super comfortable because there's a lot of travel in the wheels.

02:19:27.000 Like the wheels absorb potholes because they're supposed to be like, they're off-road vehicles.

02:19:32.000 So they handle bumps better than anything.

02:19:34.000 Super comfortable to drive.

02:19:36.000 If you're concerned about the person sitting in the back, which I seldom am carrying anyone.

02:19:39.000 So as long as my front is comfortable.

02:19:43.000 Sitting in the back?

02:19:44.000 Sitting in the back of a truck.

02:19:45.000 Like my brother's truck. 1.00

02:19:46.000 Like you leave and your neck's all jacked up because the shocks are shit. 0.99

02:19:49.000 It's a nice car, but it doesn't feel great. 1.00

02:19:51.000 No, Raptor absorbs shit. 0.99

02:19:52.000 It's actually pretty comfortable. 0.99

02:19:54.000 You can drive over crazy rugged terrain at very fast speeds.

02:19:58.000 I am watching America fall like Rome.

02:20:00.000 I'm watching our world fall, and I don't need a new car.

02:20:03.000 I get it.

02:20:04.000 And so I just admit that, but I do buy other things that are nice.

02:20:08.000 I've got my money in other ways.

02:20:09.000 I believe you.

02:20:10.000 I believe you.

02:20:11.000 Listen, I'm not shaming you.

02:20:12.000 No, no, I'm not shamed.

02:20:13.000 But not really.

02:20:14.000 I'm just making fun of you.

02:20:15.000 It's okay. 1.00

02:20:15.000 Your shitty fucking car. 1.00

02:20:17.000 I'll take the living. 1.00

02:20:17.000 How about you get a 1969 Corvette? 1.00

02:20:19.000 With no air conditioning and no...

02:20:21.000 Old school.

02:20:22.000 How about you get an old school hot rod?

02:20:23.000 And just be hot?

02:20:24.000 Driving around in one of those with a stick shift.

02:20:27.000 Rumbling.

02:20:27.000 A stick shift?

02:20:28.000 Yeah.

02:20:28.000 Whistling out the window at girls.

02:20:30.000 Hey! 0.99

02:20:31.000 Pack of cigarettes rolled up in your sleeve.

02:20:32.000 Hey! 0.99

02:20:33.000 Watch me pack this dip.

02:20:34.000 Whoa. 1.00

02:20:35.000 Check it out, hookers. 1.00

02:20:37.000 That's it. 0.99

02:20:38.000 The way you said hookers, you weren't really committing to it. 0.98

02:20:40.000 I hit trash cans with my car. 0.99

02:20:42.000 Do you?

02:20:42.000 Oh, yeah.

02:20:43.000 Oh, so you love the fact that your car is kind of a beater.

02:20:45.000 I don't go out of my way, but I'm not concerned about it.

02:20:48.000 And more importantly, I'm not trying to attract women or posture as anything.

02:20:52.000 So I don't need a nice car.

02:20:54.000 It's okay.

02:20:55.000 Yeah.

02:20:55.000 It's okay.

02:20:56.000 You hate America.

02:20:57.000 Yeah.

02:20:57.000 You hate cars?

02:20:58.000 That's what it is.

02:20:59.000 But what if someone gave you a dope car?

02:21:01.000 Like, what kind of car would someone...

02:21:03.000 Like, if someone was like, happy birthday, Eliza?

02:21:06.000 I think a Tesla makes the most sense because of the emissions and everything.

02:21:10.000 Yeah!

02:21:11.000 I don't want to...

02:21:12.000 I have one.

02:21:12.000 I know.

02:21:12.000 I saw you pull in.

02:21:14.000 It's dope. 0.55

02:21:14.000 I love a big SUV. You know what I always wanted? 0.55

02:21:16.000 You could throw that fucking Honda right in the garbage if you ever drove my car. 1.00

02:21:19.000 No, I would gift it to someone. 1.00

02:21:20.000 The Honda?

02:21:21.000 My assistant, who has the same car, but mine's a hybrid.

02:21:23.000 Hers isn't.

02:21:23.000 Oh, God.

02:21:23.000 And your car's stinky, Emily.

02:21:26.000 I always wanted a G-Wagon. 0.99

02:21:27.000 Those are dope. 0.77

02:21:28.000 It's not responsible.

02:21:31.000 Not responsible.

02:21:33.000 But what if you want to go to war and you need something that has three lockers?

02:21:37.000 Three locking differentials.

02:21:39.000 Of course it's a German car.

02:21:41.000 They're like, this is necessary.

02:21:42.000 It's very necessary.

02:21:43.000 I'd probably just drive out of town.

02:21:45.000 Good move.

02:21:45.000 I'd be the first to go if we went to war.

02:21:47.000 The new ones are weird because the new G-Wagons aren't really a military vehicle anymore.

02:21:51.000 It's just a really nice Mercedes with very heavy metal door.

02:21:55.000 Well, and you have to get the AMG package.

02:21:57.000 Of course.

02:21:58.000 And if you don't, then it's like you got a 3 Series.

02:22:00.000 Whoa.

02:22:01.000 Is there anything wrong with a 3 Series?

02:22:03.000 Who are you?

02:22:04.000 I'm just saying. 0.99

02:22:04.000 I thought you were the girl who owns the 2002 Honda and you're shitting on people with a 3 Series? 0.99

02:22:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:22:09.000 How dare you? 0.99

02:22:10.000 Why? 0.94

02:22:10.000 I just feel like it's hypocritical a little bit. 0.94

02:22:13.000 I don't think so.

02:22:14.000 3 Series is a nice car.

02:22:15.000 I'm making a point with mine.

02:22:16.000 3 Series is, my dad got this for me, and it's like a dipping a toe in luxury.

02:22:21.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.

02:22:23.000 BMW 3 Series is what my friends got when they were 16. I had a Blazer.

02:22:27.000 Did you really?

02:22:28.000 Yeah.

02:22:28.000 I drove that thing all the way to LA. Chevy Blazers, the shit.

02:22:31.000 It was all the bells and whistles. 1.00

02:22:33.000 It was awesome.

02:22:34.000 It had a little splash decal.

02:22:35.000 Why did Chevy stop making that?

02:22:37.000 They have a Tahoe.

02:22:38.000 It's like the McRib. 0.51

02:22:39.000 They take away things that people love.

02:22:41.000 Why would they do that?

02:22:42.000 They're bringing back the Bronco.

02:22:44.000 Ford has a 2020 Bronco. 1.00

02:22:46.000 It's fucking dope. 0.99

02:22:47.000 But you want an old Bronco. 1.00

02:22:48.000 You don't want the new one.

02:22:49.000 You want the look of the old one. 1.00

02:22:51.000 What is that piece of shit? 1.00

02:22:52.000 What is that? 1.00

02:22:53.000 That's the new Blazer. 0.98

02:22:53.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.98

02:22:55.000 That's not a Blazer. 0.99

02:22:56.000 It looks like a Nissan.

02:22:56.000 That's terrible.

02:22:57.000 It's got like a shitty body. 1.00

02:22:58.000 That's terrible. 0.99

02:23:00.000 How is that a Blazer?

02:23:02.000 That's a Blazer?

02:23:03.000 It looks like a Lexus.

02:23:04.000 Not that there's anything wrong with it, but they're ripping off the Lexus grille.

02:23:07.000 Well, the front looks like a Range Rover to me.

02:23:09.000 But dude, that is a Lexus grille.

02:23:12.000 Look at how that grille is.

02:23:14.000 Now go to Lexus LS570 or LX570. Look at that grill and see the shape of that grill.

02:23:22.000 Lexus LX 570. Now check this out.

02:23:25.000 Look at the grill on that. 1.00

02:23:27.000 Same fucking grill. 1.00

02:23:28.000 It's definitely a Lexus grill. 1.00

02:23:28.000 That's the same grill. 1.00

02:23:29.000 Ooh, I like...

02:23:30.000 Oh, no. 1.00

02:23:30.000 You bitches stole a grill. 1.00

02:23:32.000 Now that you make a grandma car out of a goddamn blazer, but you stole the grill. 1.00

02:23:35.000 Now go to... 1.00

02:23:36.000 Lexus is a grandma car.

02:23:38.000 SUV Lexus is a grandma car. 1.00

02:23:40.000 Those 570s are the shit. 1.00

02:23:41.000 Whatever. 1.00

02:23:42.000 Those things are legitimate off-road vehicles.

02:23:43.000 You can have a lit grandma.

02:23:45.000 No one's off-roading in a Lexus.

02:23:46.000 You can, though.

02:23:47.000 Do you know that's the same base as a Toyota Land Cruiser?

02:23:49.000 Yeah, I did know.

02:23:50.000 It's the same chassis?

02:23:51.000 Everything's the same.

02:23:52.000 Is that what you're trying to tell me?

02:23:52.000 It lifts up.

02:23:54.000 It actually has a button where you can lift to go off-roading.

02:23:56.000 It has locking differentials.

02:23:57.000 Yeah, but my Honda Civic Hybrid has a CD player.

02:24:00.000 See?

02:24:00.000 See the guy's off-roading.

02:24:02.000 It's fucking Lexus. 0.99

02:24:04.000 People have done it. 1.00

02:24:04.000 There's actually a Motor Trend video. 1.00

02:24:06.000 No, it's a Motor Trend video.

02:24:07.000 They got lost.

02:24:08.000 No.

02:24:08.000 They're showing you the capabilities of this amazing platform.

02:24:12.000 It's amazing.

02:24:12.000 Keys of machinery.

02:24:13.000 How dare you?

02:24:14.000 Pull up 2020 Ford Bronco, though, because that's legit. 0.98

02:24:17.000 The 2020 Ford Bronco is not like that shitty Blazer.

02:24:21.000 2020 Ford Bronco is legit.

02:24:23.000 It's a legit, beautiful vehicle.

02:24:25.000 And people are already starting to develop customizing kits.

02:24:28.000 You got it?

02:24:30.000 Check this out.

02:24:31.000 This is America.

02:24:32.000 Jamie, you're killing me here with the suspense.

02:24:34.000 Do they have legit pictures?

02:24:37.000 You might be right.

02:24:38.000 I think they do have some legit pictures, though.

02:24:43.000 Maybe just renders?

02:24:44.000 Let me see.

02:24:46.000 I'm going to Ford.com.

02:24:49.000 Oh, okay.

02:24:49.000 There you go.

02:24:50.000 Are these all your cars in a garage?

02:24:52.000 Those are mine.

02:24:53.000 Oh, I didn't know there was a garage in here.

02:24:55.000 They haven't premiered it yet.

02:24:56.000 They haven't shown it yet.

02:24:57.000 Oh, really?

02:24:57.000 Yeah, so there's no...

02:24:58.000 Oh, so all those pictures are fake?

02:25:00.000 Yeah.

02:25:01.000 But they're definitely, at least, know kind of what it looks like.

02:25:04.000 I think there's been leaks.

02:25:05.000 Let's see leaked Ford Bronco pics.

02:25:08.000 Leaked nude Ford Bronco pics.

02:25:10.000 There's one that they released, though, if I remember correctly.

02:25:13.000 Well, that was their website.

02:25:14.000 It says they're not showing anything until spring.

02:25:18.000 Oh.

02:25:18.000 CNET, everything we know, but they could show fake iPhones.

02:25:22.000 Oh, okay.

02:25:22.000 That's pretty slick, though.

02:25:24.000 If that comes out looking like that, I'm in.

02:25:26.000 That's a cool car.

02:25:27.000 I have a 72. Have you ever seen mine?

02:25:29.000 I'll show you.

02:25:30.000 I'm your friend.

02:25:31.000 Show me.

02:25:32.000 Yeah, I love those old Broncos, though.

02:25:34.000 There's something about them.

02:25:35.000 It's like a time machine.

02:25:38.000 Yeah, they're cool.

02:25:39.000 It's like a very Americana.

02:25:41.000 Next time we're at the store, you come sit in my Civic.

02:25:43.000 I've got leather seats.

02:25:44.000 Oh my god.

02:25:45.000 Animals died for your seats? 1.00

02:25:47.000 That's kind of fucked up. 1.00

02:25:48.000 What kind of monster are you? 1.00

02:25:50.000 Just a regular American. 1.00

02:25:51.000 Oh yeah? 0.99

02:25:51.000 Is your headliner made out of mink dicks? 0.99

02:25:55.000 I don't have a headliner. 0.99

02:25:56.000 What are you talking about?

02:25:57.000 Oh, it's definitely felt.

02:25:59.000 It's not fully leather.

02:26:00.000 I'm not driving a cow.

02:26:02.000 It's like some sort of felt.

02:26:03.000 It's in pristine condition.

02:26:05.000 I believe you.

02:26:06.000 It's already 3 o'clock, believe it or not.

02:26:09.000 Isn't that crazy? 0.99

02:26:10.000 We had a good fucking time. 0.99

02:26:12.000 I love you. 1.00

02:26:12.000 I love coming on the show. 1.00

02:26:14.000 I love every opportunity I get to see you at the store.

02:26:17.000 I love you, too.

02:26:17.000 We're friends.

02:26:18.000 I'm glad we're friends.

02:26:19.000 Tell everybody about your special.

02:26:21.000 It's called Unveiled, and it's currently streaming on Netflix.

02:26:26.000 For the last, like, two weeks?

02:26:27.000 Yeah, it should be on your homepage.

02:26:28.000 If not, feel free to look for it. 0.97

02:26:30.000 It's pretty fucking metal. 0.99

02:26:31.000 There's blood. 0.99

02:26:32.000 There's fire.

02:26:33.000 And it's the only special out there like it.

02:26:36.000 Eliza Schlesinger, ladies and gentlemen.

02:26:38.000 Holla at your boy. 0.81

02:26:40.000 Bye, everybody.

02:26:41.000 Bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 16, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1401 - Iliza Shlesinger

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript