In this episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, the boys talk about drugs, beard trimming, and Christian's love of The Doors. Joe and Brian are joined by special guest Christian to talk about it all and much more! Also, a new product called "Shroom Tech" is available for purchase, but I'm not sold on it yet. If you go to the Fleshlight website and enter the code "ROGAN" at checkout, you get 15% off the top sex toy for men, AlphaBrain, which is a new drug from Onnit O-N-I-T. And if you get there before the end of the episode, you also get 10% off The Fleshlight, which means you get 20% off your first purchase! Thanks to Onnit and AlphaBrain for sponsoring this episode! Joe Rogans Experience Podcast is brought to you by Onnit, the makers of AlphaBrain. AlphaBrain is a mind-numbing, mind-altering drug you can't live without. It's a powerful plant-based antidepressant, and it's available in capsule form. If you like what you're getting, you'll love AlphaBrain! It'll make you smarter, happier, smarter, more focused, and more focused on your day-to-day life and you'll have more time to do more of what you love! The most important thing you can do with your time, you're doing with your money, your time and your energy, your body, your brain, your mind, and your money and your life, your health and your sex life, you can all be better than anything you could be doing in the best way possible, and you won't have to pay for it with AlphaBrain can do it! You'll be better off than you'll feel better than you could ever do it, right? -Joe Rogan and the boys are back in your head, baby! -Jon and the crew at Onnit Oh yeah, we'll be back in a few weeks with a new song about that's better than ever before you know where you're going to get it. . Thank you for listening to this episode. -Bryan and Christian, we love ya'll! --Jon and Brian, and Christian (and Christian, too! ) Thanks, Jon & Christian, and we'll see you soon. --
00:00:05.000The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.
00:00:09.000If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.
00:02:41.000You can't over-aggressively make the jawline because then you look like one of the gay guys that's just trying to look skinny in the steam room.
00:08:08.000It was so real I could taste it, and I was depressed, in the middle of a dream, depressed that I had fucked this up.
00:08:13.000And then I got in the elevator to leave, and I saw that I was wearing highlight neon red Kasa workout pants with a matching Kasa neon bandana, and no shirt.
00:08:24.000I was like, okay, this is clearly a fucking dream.
00:08:26.000So you had to see yourself dressed, shirtless, with a bandana on to realize...
00:08:58.000So then, like, the next night, and mind you, every night my wife's telling me, you've got to stop taking these fucking alpha brains, because I'm on fire.
00:09:04.000I'm like, 10 o'clock at night, and I'm still talking about these ideas.
00:09:07.000Like, I'm fucking, they really woke me up.
00:09:50.000And then, you know, in dreams, and they just transform to other things.
00:09:53.000But every one of my dreams has been more insane, and the fact that you can interact inside them fucking flips me out to the point where I was like...
00:10:02.000I've got to hop off them because I need some rest.
00:10:04.000Because I'm going into dreams fucking problem solving shit.
00:10:08.000The shit going on in your brain that you dream about that night, I'm going in with the ability to work on in my sleep.
00:11:28.000There's this thing called the Need for Speed Mountain Carving, and it's these guys that have these parachutes attached to their bodies, and they just fly around these mountains, like just flying over trees, and it's crazy.
00:21:05.000Yeah, it was a common way of hunting back then.
00:21:08.000And then they found the horse when the Europeans came here.
00:21:09.000You see, that was the problem with when the Europeans came here.
00:21:13.000The people who were living here at the time, because of their folklore and their, you know, I believe it's the Incans, they thought that the people on horses were gods.
00:21:24.000They thought this is a god, like someone riding an animal.
00:21:28.000Like they had never seen that before, ever.
00:21:30.000It is bizarre because you and Callan, this is a fucking, now I'm doing a podcast fanagy, but you and Callan had talked about that one time and I had been obsessed with the concepts that we have dominion over these fucking animals that are so much bigger than us.
00:21:47.000You would think if you're a fucking Native American Indian and you see this Spaniard with the mustache and the steel hat that goes up like this carrying buckets of gold on a stallion.
00:22:18.000They figured that out because some guy was convinced that the Mormon books were true and that Joseph Smith had told the truth.
00:22:25.000Joseph Smith had said that what the American Indians were were the lost tribe of Jesus.
00:22:31.000And that they had come to America with the last words of Jesus and they were written on these golden scrolls and only he can read them all the shit.
00:22:38.000And so this guy, in trying to prove that it was true, actually did like a DNA test on Native Americans.
00:22:55.000So those people just walked, man, and they had the same culture for thousands of years because when they got here, there was no civilization here before because the entire fucking continent was covered in ice.
00:23:08.000We can't even wrap our head around that.
00:23:10.000For thousands and thousands of years, there was nothing here.
00:23:15.000There was just melted ice and a few fucking weird Inuit-type people wandering around killing things with bows and arrows.
00:23:54.000They taught us how to make fucking tobacco.
00:23:55.000But it was the idea that the Americans, or rather the original settlers, taught the American Indians, the Native Americans, how to plant their corn.
00:26:59.000You're not going to stop experiencing life.
00:27:01.000You're not going to stop having revelations.
00:27:03.000You're not going to stop having stories.
00:27:04.000You know what's crazy is you've had training in doing podcasts before we even started this podcast because I don't know how many times after a show or something we would all go eat.
00:27:14.000It's always going to go eat with everybody that we're hanging around with and we would sit there for hours and do the same thing as a podcast but without fucking recording it, you know?
00:28:03.000He just invented a whole lot of setups for it and became a master at it and really good at teaching it.
00:28:08.000Right, and then I started following him on Twitter, and then I was like, he just is so much more diverse of a human being than, anyway, I start researching him, and I'm like, whoa, he's got 10th Planet, he does his own jiu-jitsu, he teaches jiu-jitsu, he's written books about it, he's in a band, I go, wow, he seems a lot more diverse than the majority of people out there, so then I just start reading all his Wikipedia, watching all his videos, and then I'm like, okay, this is getting borderline gay, I'm I go, there's no way Eddie Bravo is fucking watching my shit.
00:34:20.000You take aluminum foil and you put the pill on top of it, and you light it from underneath so it kind of melts, and then you take a straw and you kind of do it like you're inhaling the fumes that it burns from the- It's called Chasing the Dragon, Brian.
00:35:07.000I have a good feeling when I do some drugs, I'm just like, you know what, that's just a stupid-ass drug.
00:35:13.000And that was totally one of those stupid-ass drugs.
00:35:15.000Dude, there was a crazy story that I ran across yesterday, and I put it on the Rogan board, and apparently it's been going around for a while.
00:35:24.000There's a dude on Vice TV, and he interviewed this chick, and she's on YouTube.
00:36:47.000Living with this guy, she was a stripper, a goth stripper in Kansas, and she was living with this guy who was like the number one LSD and MDMA dealer in the area.
00:37:26.000So anyway, this girl, she hooks up with this dude and she stops stripping and becomes this crazy psychedelic head.
00:37:34.000Like she's doing everything under the fucking sun every day of the week.
00:37:38.000She's just one day she's doing acid, the next day she's doing DMT. And these guys had DMT hooked up to IVs.
00:37:46.000They took them to IVs where they were doing liquid DMT, and they were regulating it on the IV, so they were surfing the DMT dimension.
00:37:54.000They were constantly getting it brought into their body.
00:37:56.000And who knows what the fuck they did to their heads, but one of the guys started going crazy, her boyfriend.
00:38:02.000And when her boyfriend decided that his partner was doing bad things or was going to fuck him over or was going to get him arrested, so he goes to the DEA. These fucking guys have a...
00:38:12.000Missile silo, where they're dripping DMT into their veins, and homeboy did so much, he brought himself to the DEA. So he turns his buddy in to the DEA. And then, you know, the dude who's the chemist winds up doing, like, two life terms or something like that.
00:39:19.000So this fucking crazy man, this crazy dealer guy, the original guy, he takes them and locks them in a hotel room and dopes them and ties this dude up to a chair and administers drugs into his dick and his balls with injections.
00:40:57.000I don't know what you're talking about, because this doesn't seem fake at all to me.
00:40:58.000That doesn't sound that fake, actually.
00:41:00.000If somebody kidnaps somebody and inserts fucking drugs into their penis and ass for a week, that's crazy.
00:41:04.000Yeah, but consider who you're talking about.
00:41:06.000The guy that did it is a guy that had already turned on somebody, and so he'd had those nights of him on drugs thinking, man, if I got fucking turned on, I'd go fucking crazy.
00:41:16.000And then they come to him and tell him that his wife's not only fucking some other dude, but he turned him on also?
00:41:22.000That's not too far out of the spectrum.
00:41:23.000It's just weird that some of these stories nowadays, it just seems so far-fetched and amazing.
00:41:27.000Yeah, but this isn't far-fetched at all.
00:41:29.000I know what you're saying, but this to me seems pretty normal.
00:41:34.000When people start selling drugs, this guy was dealing kilos of crystalline MDMA. He was just traveling across the country selling MDMA, and they were doing it constantly.
00:42:30.000Yeah, but then we just realized he was so fucked up that he was trying to say, hand me, there was like a French cigarette, but that was what he smoked, but he just came out of his mouth, baradariums, and his eyes started going on him, and man, I'd die to see what that kid looks like now.
00:42:42.000I wish people that were really fucked up would go on Facebook.
00:42:44.000That ecstasy really has taken a lot of people's brains.
00:42:48.000I've met many people that I know do a lot of ecstasy and they wind up completely falling apart.
00:43:11.000No, no, but I mean just to be like, to be just sitting in bed and going, oh, I don't have to worry about fucking inhaling fucking Glade as a child and wondering what that did to my lungs or, you know, like cocaine or acid or ecstasy.
00:43:23.000Like when I'm having a panic attack in the middle of the night and I'm like, great, I did this to myself.
00:43:26.000Sometimes I feel that way and I go, if I had never done anything, would any of this shit be around?
00:43:30.000You know, I would love to tell my kids that, you know, be healthy.
00:43:33.000I'm sure you tell your kids the same thing.
00:43:34.000Yeah, and most certainly, but I just want to be real clear with them about what is legal, or rather, what is dangerous, and what is not, and what's simply illegal.
00:43:44.000There's some reasons why things are illegal that don't make any sense at all, and it's a good lesson.
00:43:48.000It's a good lesson that the world is not structured correctly, and you have to know that, and always mind your P's and Q's, and everything is not as it seems to be, because the system that we're operating under is fucking crazy.
00:44:28.000And only hang around people that you trust.
00:44:30.000I find that people that hang around people that they don't trust, it's really because they didn't have good relationships with their parents.
00:44:37.000I'm going to try to have the best possible relationship as a friend with my kids as possible.
00:44:43.000So that they never feel like they can't talk to me about something.
00:44:46.000And I'm going to talk to them about every step along the way of their life.
00:44:50.000And I think that's what you're supposed to do.
00:44:52.000The idea of drugs scare the shit out of me, man.
00:44:55.000The idea of meth or something like that.
00:44:57.000Those are the drugs I'm scared about, like Oxycontin, meth, coke, even coke.
00:45:01.000I don't want my daughters to get around that shit.
00:45:07.000I'm sure I've said this a million times, but I've done mushrooms, and I've always had great experiences, except at night when I see the shadow people.
00:45:14.000But I probably won't do them again as an adult, because I think I've done all the exploring I want to do.
00:47:06.000I've been drinking a lot more lately, but it's been like, no, I'll have wine with dinner, or I'll have a drink, but not drinking all night long.
00:47:35.000It's obviously not good to take a poison into your body, but if that poison, that alcohol poison, if it's easily processed, which alcohol basically is, especially like one beer, For the average liver, it's no big deal.
00:47:46.000Why did you look at me when you said the average liver?
00:47:54.000One beer can be processed pretty easily.
00:47:56.000But when you start getting into high numbers, and then it gets toxic, and then you're dealing with, you know, you're poisoning your fucking body.
00:48:04.000When you wake up from a hangover, that's not an accident.
00:50:13.000The first fight, Gray Maynard won the first fight by decision, but the second fight was a draw, and it was a crazy draw because Gray Maynard had Frankie Edgar badly, badly hurt in the first round.
00:51:55.000And this motherfucker is so tough that he just gutted it out, got through that second round, kept moving, got through the third round, then put it on him in the fourth.
00:55:52.000To the listeners, your shirts are on their way.
00:55:54.000His poor wife is sitting there at the post office with boxes and boxes of shirts, and she said it takes one minute per shirt, and she has 3,000 shirts.
00:56:06.000And she just has to give up after a few hours because she just can't stand anymore for her poor feet.
00:56:11.000And so then I'm thinking, this is why the post office is going out of business, because she can't even spend money fast enough by shipping shit without it taking a fucking minute a shirt.
00:57:18.000I mean, all my bills now are through my email.
00:57:20.000Even when I go to the fucking bank, it sends my receipt to my email.
00:57:23.000No, but I heard you guys talking about that when I was in the bathroom putting my Rogaine on, and I thought to myself, Yeah, but how else are we going to get the shirts there?
00:57:51.000Needless to say, the shirts are being shipped.
00:57:53.000How many shirts do you have that are being sent out?
00:57:55.000The biggest problem was because everyone, the second you wore one on the podcast, everyone blew up and they're like, I want a fucking machine shirt.
00:59:08.000Well, we talked about it on the podcast before.
00:59:09.000But for people who are just listening to this one, just what did he do?
00:59:14.000He calls in shows, and one of the shows he called in was TMZ. Nancy Grace was on the show, and he did Who Would You Fuck, Marry, Kill with me, Sam Tripoli, and Jason Tebow.
01:00:14.000Dude, it's hilarious when they get someone who's like a witness to something, and they go deep, deep, deep into it, and then they bababooied.
01:00:24.000On the other side of that, though, and we've had this a million times, is when you're trying to get interviews to get the fuck out of there, and someone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Sandy, miss football rules, fuck you!
01:00:32.000And then runs off, and you're like, God damn it, I was so close to wrapping the day.
01:00:35.000Now I've got to do another human being.
01:01:45.000I just told you many times not to talk on the microphone like this because it changes the volume of the podcast and so when I brought that up I felt you tense up.
01:02:33.000And one of the coolest things ever was that Trey Parker and Matt Stone were talking about tripping on acid when they had to go to the Academy Awards.
01:02:42.000And Matt Stone dressed up as a woman and was Trey's date during the thing.
01:02:47.000And they played clips on it And it was so weird seeing, because I had seen that interview before, but now seeing Trey Parker on acid, you could totally tell.
01:02:56.000Joe, it's one of the best documentaries I've ever seen.
01:03:43.000I think there are just things in my life, I think it's my ability, the way I see something happen is different than the way everyone else sees it happen.
01:03:48.000I see the little thing that registers in me, I go, oh, that's my thing.
01:03:53.000And it lights up for me where my wife just glazes over it.
01:03:56.000And it's come to light in this podcast more than anything.
01:03:58.000The machine, I mean, I've told that story to fucking a million people, but then when I told it to you, something lit up and I went, oh, that is a good story, right?
01:04:05.000The fucking fighting a bear, the fucking, everything, I'm getting mauled by a bull, Tracy Morgan, everything's lights up.
01:04:11.000So then, I'm talking to you on the phone today, I call you, hey, can you do the podcast?
01:04:28.000So I'm fucking like 22. I'm in Amsterdam with like five friends, and of course we do the rounds in Amsterdam and get fucking lit up.
01:04:39.000Heineken factory, hedgehops, I think even maybe mushrooms.
01:04:44.000We walk by this live sex show and it says on the billboard, guy on girl, girl on girl, oral sex, this, this, this, and then the last one is flying dildos.
01:05:08.000It's basically like half a boxing ring.
01:05:11.000So it's like you walk in and it's stadium seating and then half a boxing ring where they just, without the ropes, everything happens right there.
01:06:46.000stage I go you better be fucking flying dildos because ladies and gentlemen I am flying dildos and the fucking place goes nuts 20 dudes it's like fucking right out of the military she goes I'm going to need and I'm going to need someone from the audience and And everyone's like, fucking flying dildos!
01:07:04.000So I'm like, fucking, I am definitely going up there.
01:07:11.000I got my hands up, and she goes, okay, okay, hands behind back, and I put my hands behind my back, and she handcuffs me, and everyone's like, flying dildos!
01:07:20.000She drops my pants, cuts my shirts with the scissors, throws me on the back, puts a dildo in my mouth, and just fucks it, and then stands up, and she goes, that was flying dildos, and she leaves me with a dildo in my mouth, naked, going, ah, ah, ah!
01:10:39.000You'll go one, you'll go two, but if you got in 30, 31, 32, and then you got into 50, and then you got into 60. I pretty much have pretty good self-control, though.
01:10:48.000I know, but I'm saying, what I'm saying is, what you're doing is, if you took two hits, and you just kept going, and really did what you said people did, 300, you'd be dead.
01:10:57.000That's crazy, though, that you're willing to take even two of those.
01:11:00.000You're willing to step two steps on the way to death.
01:11:03.000Two steps on the way to a 300-step way to death.
01:11:34.000I'll tell you, there's 300 million people in this country.
01:11:36.000Roughly around 80 to 100,000 people die every year from alcohol poisoning, from alcohol-induced death, from overdosing in alcohol.
01:11:45.000And then there's more that die from drunk driving.
01:11:47.000That's well over 100,000 that die from drunk driving.
01:11:51.000So that's what you could attribute the alcohol deaths.
01:11:53.000Really, you can only attribute the poisonings, though.
01:11:56.000You know, the rest of it is just doing things that you can't control while you're drunk, which is, you know, it still is death, but it's not, you know, it's not like an LD50 rate.
01:12:05.000So it's like, how many drinks would you have to have before you died?
01:12:50.000Here's the thing that's more dangerous about alcohol than any of that, is I have a buddy who goes to Chicago, has a few bottles of wine, takes some allergy medicine or whatever, in the middle of the night wakes up, drunk, stumbling, smashes through a fucking glass coffee table, fucking destroys his face.
01:13:59.000You could get fucked up in a shower, man.
01:14:01.000A shower should be made out of rubber.
01:14:03.000That just happened to me the other day.
01:14:05.000I fell and I grabbed myself right at the last second, but I have a glass shower thing, door, and it was really, I was looking and going, this would have ended really bad.
01:17:02.000Do you think in any way, shape, or form that all this fear and worrying about things puts a certain amount of energy out there that attracts negative things to you?
01:17:11.000I do, but I feel like ignoring it puts out a taunting energy.
01:19:14.000So the guy, we did the documentary, and he made the shirt, the machine shirt, and he did it as a favor to his friends that were doing the documentary.
01:19:21.000So they were made specifically for the documentary.
01:20:18.000And then he's like, you know, so anyway, so we got him finally to say, if you want to sell it on your site, or on what you call it, you can do it, and, you know, negotiation shit.
01:20:27.000And so we just put it on BurtBurtBurt.com.
01:20:32.000I mean, I think all the fulfillments have to go out first, and they're gone, they're already out.
01:20:35.000But if you want to go to BurtBurtBurt.com, you'll find in the store, you'll find the machine shirt, and now you can fucking stop emailing me about where to get them and when to get them.
01:23:59.000And the reason why the company became so good is because he was so ruthless and incredibly ambitious.
01:24:04.000And because of that, you know, he was...
01:24:06.000He was a tough guy to work for for some people.
01:24:09.000Some people will tell stories about him yelling and screaming at people and calling them names, but that's because he wanted so much of himself.
01:24:16.000And the reason why he was such a bad motherfucker is he had these incredibly high standards.
01:24:20.000So then to have all these other people working under him and some of them who he didn't feel like met his vibration, met his frequency, he would be upset.
01:24:28.000At least as far as everything I've ever read about him.
01:24:30.000It just seems like another tortured, brilliant person who had an incredible gift of vision for this computer company.
01:24:40.000Like I said, all bad motherfuckers are flawed.
01:24:43.000You can't get to be amazing at something.
01:24:46.000Remember when Clinton got busted pulling his dick out and we were all like...
01:24:49.000There was a part of us that was a breath of fresh air.
01:24:53.000There was a part of Clinton getting caught getting his dick sucked in the White House.
01:25:04.000I was just saying this to Brian today on the car ride.
01:25:07.000What if the flaw shows up when you get there as opposed to it's always there?
01:25:13.000Do you think there's an inherent flaw that shows up with guys like Steve Jobs when you become Steve Jobs and you walk into a room and everything you say is gold?
01:25:55.000We're here for a short period of time, and then we're gone.
01:25:58.000If you want to live it like that, man, you want to burn that candle at both ends and make a big explosion when it reaches the middle, why fucking not?
01:28:00.000And essentially, the internet has exposed the fact that our government is absolutely corrupt and absolutely incompetent in almost every single way.
01:28:08.000And not just corrupt, but corrupt to the point where they're starting wars for no fucking reason for profit.
01:28:14.000And that's pretty well been established.
01:28:16.000And if that's been established, then there is no government.
01:28:18.000We've just got a bunch of corrupt cunt criminals that are running the fucking people into the ground.
01:30:00.000You never paid me back, you douchebag.
01:30:02.000Now, once we figure out a new system of government, you better give me my money back.
01:30:05.000You know, there'll be like old debts that people are going to want to bring into play.
01:30:08.000But, you know, I understand what they're saying in the sense that we tried to apply for a home loan this year, and it was a fucking nightmare.
01:30:33.000Well, you know, corporations don't hurt as long as they pay a good wage and they have youth and labor and they take care of everybody.
01:30:39.000I don't mind the corporations, obviously.
01:30:41.000People start going on about, you know, unions want too much money and that's why corporations have to go down to Mexico and they force these jobs overseas.
01:30:49.000Is that really the only fucking solution?
01:30:52.000Is it really the only solution to get people to work for slave labor?
01:30:55.000That's the only solution, to get people to work for some ridiculous wage that you would never...
01:31:54.000Well, you know, you got a good point there, but with these South American countries especially, you know, yeah, these poor fucks, they're tearing down their rainforest and putting oil fields out there and ruining their land.
01:32:05.000We went in with our clothes and all our shit, all that Western shit, and dumped it on them and said, this is the way it's going to be.
01:32:12.000Like, you know, I mean, look at, you don't expect to see a guy in Peru wearing slacks and a collared shirt and a fucking tie, but we said, do that shit, we cut your rainforest down, we're ready, join the team, and then we're like, oh, by the way, it's a nickel a day.
01:32:27.000Is it even possible that we could come up with really efficient robots that do most of the work and have the phones and all these fucking things made in America and pay people an honest wage?
01:32:39.000And instead of a phone raking in $800, if they have a phone that they sell for $800, what is the profit for them, you think?
01:34:54.000All the phones that you've seen that you didn't buy, right?
01:34:58.000They were just fucking keeping their heads above water.
01:35:00.000Steve Jobs just happened to come up with the sexiest one that all of us, despite sometimes our moral beliefs, went, I fucking want the phone.
01:35:31.000He did do a magic trick that got us all to fucking, even despite knowing what we know about how they're made, we went, I still fucking want the phone.
01:36:40.000If they did, if they had, and they said, okay, well, instead of, best case scenario, instead of us being a mass hit like the iPhone and we all walk away with $7 billion, we're only going to walk away with $5 billion each, right?
01:36:51.000Well, when it's just average the way it was, they would have all lost their asses.
01:36:57.000The deficit we're looking at there is totally different.
01:37:01.000In my opinion, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, Joe.
01:38:18.000But once you get to that place where you're the dude that made the sexy thing that everyone wants and you're the guy that created all this fucking microcosm of belief, of cult of personality about you, you start believing what the fuck you feel.
01:38:39.000I think, if anything, he probably got sick because he works too much.
01:38:42.000I think when you're that type of person that can't turn it off, man, that's an incredible amount of strain in your system.
01:38:48.000You're redlining your system all day, man, when you're like a super intense, success-oriented, goal-oriented, victory-oriented sort of a guy like Steve Jobs.
01:38:57.000I mean, he wasn't just a visionary, man.
01:39:51.000He created something completely different.
01:39:53.000And then sometimes I think people look at what he's done is create something that never existed before, which was taking what I'm thinking in my head and putting it into a format that I could show you what I'm thinking.
01:40:05.000Creativity's never been done before since I've got an Apple.
01:40:11.000Using Final Cut Pro and all the programs that he's given me, I'm now really...
01:40:17.000Feeling like it's a tool, like a hammer.
01:41:06.000Yeah, I mean, I've used paintbrush before, and I could get my emotions out there, but it's not the same as, like, if you look at anything...
01:41:14.000It might not be as good, but, dude, there's a lot of people who edited videos and did a great job, and they edited them on PCs.
01:41:20.000You know, there's a lot of picture editing, Photoshop...
01:41:23.000No, but Steve Jobs created the PC, is what I'm saying.
01:41:25.000Created the PC? What are you talking about?
01:41:26.000Steve Jobs created the first PC. Yeah, but he didn't create the Windows operating system, and Xerox had an operating system with a user interface.
01:41:33.000No, he created the computer to put that Windows on.
01:41:35.000Didn't Xerox already have the graphic user interface before Apple did?
01:41:40.000I'm pretty sure they got the idea from Xerox.
01:41:42.000Have you ever heard of a Xerox personal computer in your life?
01:41:45.000No, I haven't, but they could have existed, you know what I'm saying?
01:41:48.000And we know that Windows did, and we know that a bunch of different people make Windows computers.
01:41:52.000I think computers would exist in some form, no matter what.
01:41:54.000I think once the technology was introduced into the world, it's just a natural chain of progression that people automatically start incorporating into their lives.
01:42:02.000And then it becomes better and better.
01:47:37.000You went off on a wild, crazy chase to tell me that there's places that are bad restaurants and the Olive Garden always gives a quality meal.
01:49:35.000I'll stop drinking, guys, if this is what it's about.
01:49:38.000I'm going to switch to energy drink because I feel bad now because I'm making Joe awkward.
01:49:41.000Well, Brian, are you happy with that story, how that all turned out?
01:49:45.000Well, obviously it was a little bit more intense than I thought it was going to be talking about how I like going to franchise restaurants because they do it right and they figured it out like good service, good food compared to going to getting food poisoning.
01:51:14.000I will say that I think, and I don't mean no offense by this, but I think me and you have a higher threshold, like a tighter threshold of when our stories aren't doing well, where we get more uncomfortable.
01:52:28.000Yeah, we were on a plane flying from LA to New York and a beautiful girl sitting next to me and I just automatically, whatever thoughts you're going to have, are overwhelmed by how hot she is.
01:52:40.000She was like Angelina Jolie meets Sarah Michelle Gellar, really smoking hot.
01:52:44.000And so I sat down next to her and we just hit it off.
01:56:06.000And man, and she is hot as fucking shit.
01:56:08.000And Slash and I are pretty hammered for like 8 in the morning.
01:56:11.000And then she gets up to go to the bathroom and I see her distinctively limp to the bathroom and walk out of my room and Slash looks over at me and he goes, how perfect is she?
01:56:22.000And I was like, you didn't see her limp?
01:56:23.000And he's like, what are you talking about?
01:56:24.000And I was like, great, I'm just as big an alcoholic as Slash.
01:56:27.000Like Slash didn't notice and I didn't fucking notice.
01:56:30.000But yeah, so she was fucking crazy though too.
01:56:37.000Got rid of her in Scotland and then kind of hooked back up with her in LA. Because she couldn't get a DUI because no one could give her a fucking field sobriety test.
01:56:45.000Why couldn't they just give her a breathalyzer?
01:56:46.000They could, but when she did a field sobriety, she goes, oh, I have cerebral palsy.
01:56:49.000And they'd be like, oh, okay, they feel uncomfortable.
01:57:10.000Yeah, it's like you got no oxygen delivered to your brain when you're a baby, and then she had like a hook, not a hook hand, but like this hand, and then her leg was really skinny.
01:57:22.000I remember Patrice, when we were in Scotland, she wore these really hot leather pants, and Patrice just leans over and he's like, nice pants on your girl, too bad there's a baby leg in there.
01:59:51.000And she was like, and I remember her saying something like, I just had your dick in my mouth, or something like real, like hit you in the center of the chest, and you were like, fuck.
02:02:55.000But even the other guy that's in it that was like in whatever, Digital Underground or whatever, he's like, oh no, I knew about this tape for a long time.
02:03:03.000Is he wearing the nose and glasses too?
02:05:31.000But anyway, she broke down where the money goes when someone gets a record deal and where the How the money flows down through, you know, back to the artist.
02:06:40.000That album releases it online for free in this documentary.
02:06:44.000On this documentary, this is all happening.
02:06:46.000And then all of a sudden, another subsidiary of Sony, the big company, buys the album for three times they were originally paid to make it.
02:12:36.000Like, not lit up, but definitely, I would say by your standards, if you were sitting next to me as my bodyguard in Mexico, you'd definitely be like, he's lit up.
02:12:44.000How many drinks are we talking about every night?
02:14:06.000Yeah, but if you're doing, like, I don't know...
02:14:09.000If you have toxic levels of vitamins, yeah.
02:14:10.000There's certain things that, like, fat-soluble vitamins that you could have, you know, and you take too much of them and they get into your system.
02:14:16.000But if you're getting your blood checked, you know what you're doing.
02:15:17.000Because Joey Diaz told me you were angry about alcohol recently.
02:15:19.000When someone has a point of view on something, it doesn't mean they're angry on it.
02:15:22.000I just said that I think that alcohol is probably worth it because it enhances your life enough to balance out whatever damage it's doing to your body.
02:15:30.000You know, I think some of the most fun times I've ever had has been buzzed.
02:17:16.000Elliptical machine, if you do it at a high level and you do it at a lot of intensity, you should see...
02:17:20.000I do an elliptical workout, a 40-minute elliptical workout, dude, where I have it all set up where the first three minutes it's pretty light and then the second two minutes I pick up the pace and then I go through these intermittent sprints where I get up to whatever the level is that's the highest.
02:17:34.000I'll jack it up to the highest and do like a one-minute wrestling match of death with that fucking elliptical machine.
02:17:40.000And then I'll drop it down to like half the speed and I sprint.
02:17:44.000And it's a brutal, brutal workout to the point where when I'm done, sometimes my fucking hands are numb from gripping the poles.
02:18:52.000I think that's true because Todd Glass and I spoke on the phone once and he was like excited to get me on the phone and I think he said something crazy like I don't have a cell phone or I'd give it to you.
02:19:52.000And my vision was to do my way of looking at the world intertwined with the things that I've learned about how to control myself and operate through life and the perspective that I've gained on how bizarre and strange just life is in general.
02:20:45.000And I'm like, no, I can't make them all like this because sometimes there's some shit that I'm thinking of or I wanna talk about that isn't funny.
02:21:25.000It's all these interesting fear factor.
02:21:27.000Fear factor, if you were going to put the brand of the new Joe Rogan out – The new brand would not go back to Fear Pactor, but you say, hey, I fucking like that show.
02:21:56.000It seems weird to call that a brand when you're just yourself.
02:21:59.000Yeah, but despite what you believe, and I only know this from going on the road and running into people that are fans of your podcast, there are a lot of people like you.
02:22:06.000That's one of the more interesting things about this podcast is that all of us are reaching out to a bunch of people out there that don't know anybody like us, but think like us.
02:22:14.000And they're surrounded by a bunch of fucking morons and think in a completely different way, and it's stifling.
02:22:19.000It's stifling, and it's depressing, and it just doesn't give them any hope.
02:22:22.000And I can't tell you how many times we've been on the road.
02:22:25.000And just this weekend in Houston, I talked to, I don't know how many, literally hundreds of people who told me that it changed their life.
02:22:32.000They're like, dude, it changed my life.
02:22:49.000A dude's got his headset in his ears at Target Sunday.
02:22:54.000And I get out of the car with my wife and he goes, holy shit, takes it out.
02:22:58.000I had a power lunch with Alex Jones, Brendan Walsh, Doug Benson, and Joey Diaz, and Aubrey from...
02:23:15.000You know, Onnit Labs, and four dudes from my message board.
02:23:20.000We had this power lunch, and we were all sitting in this Mexican place, drinking margaritas before the fights, and eating burritos.
02:23:26.000And it was just like, I got some videos of it, some of them I can't show, because Joey Diaz doesn't want me showing some of the things he said that were absolutely hilarious, but he doesn't want to get in trouble.
02:23:35.000But while we were having this lunch, Alex Jones had the best point ever.
02:23:39.000He goes, You could take a TV camera, turn it on a guy, and him and his buddies smoking a bong, and it'd be the number one show on CBS. Put it on at 8 p.m.
02:23:55.000If they had a fucking show, if some people and their buddies, if they were funny, they were really funny guys, and it was just a bong and a table and a room and a living room, and they're all sitting around shooting the shit, and they're all intelligent.
02:24:17.000I'd at least tune in once to see what they talked about, and then I'd tune in again because I'd go, oh shit, they just figured out that if they tied the bong to a string on the roof, they could swing it back and forth to each other.
02:24:25.000Well, there's more of those people out there than you would think.
02:24:27.000There's more people out there like those four guys in a bong than you would think.
02:24:31.000And that's something like what the podcast reaches.
02:24:33.000And that's why, you know, you've never had a venue like that before.
02:29:24.000Someone saying that to me online, out of all the fucking 20-30,000 people that follow me, the one person that says that, I go, alright, this is Tom Segura.
02:29:32.000Because no one said that to me all day.
02:29:51.000None of them say, I want to give you a virtual blowjob.
02:29:53.000If I was a girl and I was working in a diner in Dayton, Ohio, and just broke up with my man, didn't have a whole lot going on in my life, but I love that podcast.
02:30:02.000I listen to it on the treadmill every day.
02:30:04.000When Bert Kreischer's on, my God, he is so funny, I almost peed my pants on that treadmill.
02:31:02.000But a bunch of his teammates trolled him with a fake account on MySpace and saved all his messages and then posted it online or something like that.
02:33:31.000I've been curious about the Hank Williams Jr. with Monday Night Football debacle.
02:33:36.000Look, man, people compare someone to Hitler all the time, but when you're on Monday Night Football and you start comparing a Republican playing golf with Obama like Hitler playing golf with Benjamin Netanyahu, first of all, that's a weak sentence.
02:34:28.000You know, I mean, he's probably a Tea Party dude.
02:34:31.000He's probably a conservative Republican.
02:34:33.000I mean, he's a country boy can survive guy.
02:34:35.000You know, so he probably thinks in his, I bet if he sat down, you know, somebody like fucking Christopher Hitchens sat down with him and had him break down what he sees wrong He's not a bad guy.
02:34:45.000You know, Obama and this administration and its involvement overseas.
02:34:48.000I bet every single fucking point would get debunked and it would fall apart right in front of his face.
02:34:53.000I bet he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, but it's fashionable right now to say that this country's falling apart because of Obama.
02:34:58.000One fucking asshole, I don't even know the guy's name nor do I care, but he was on Fox News talking about how Obama has done more to hurt this country than 9-11.
02:35:07.000It was the dumbest statement ever because then he goes, you know, if we could have had total victory if we were allowed to, you know, when 9-11 happened, you know, it happened, but then we went after them.
02:36:11.000Now that I think about it, if he really wants to talk about what America has done overseas, maybe, I guess, if you want to talk about just the volume of people killed, but you can't attribute that all to Obama.
02:36:24.000Do you get to a certain point where you, I mean, how old do you now?
02:36:27.00038. 38. Do you get to a certain point where you look at guys like Obama and you go, well, that guy is just a few fucking years older than me, you know?
02:36:33.000And this is like my age, people my age are running this whole thing, and who the fuck are they?
02:40:21.000Very famous, very respected comic from Boston.
02:40:24.000Back in 1988, I was just starting out doing comedy, and I was an open-miker, and this was just when the scandal was breaking, and he went on stage, and he goes, Mr. President.
02:40:33.000He goes, Lord knows I've forgotten some things I've done.
02:40:37.000You get home, you're hammered, you can't find your fucking keys, you don't know why your windows are open and the air conditioning's on, and it's January.
02:40:45.000And he goes, but here's just a little thing.
02:40:49.000If you ever sell alms to people who hate us, jot it down.