The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1452 - Greg Fitzsimmons

00:00:03.000 Gregory, how are you holding it up?

00:00:05.000 I am holding it up.

00:00:07.000 Although, not as much as I would like to be holding it up.

00:00:12.000 I think that's a lot.

00:00:13.000 People are talking about all the different constraints of this pandemic.

00:00:20.000 Masturbation has gone by the wayside for a lot of people.

00:00:22.000 If you live in a two-bedroom apartment and you've got two kids, you know... 1.00

00:00:26.000 You're going to have to jerk off while you're shitting. 1.00

00:00:34.000 It's the only time you have. 1.00

00:00:36.000 That's a lot of toilet paper you're wasting.

00:00:38.000 Bring your phone in there with you.

00:00:40.000 Set up some U-Porn on the ledge.

00:00:43.000 Yeah, right.

00:00:44.000 And you gotta land it just right.

00:00:46.000 You gotta let it squirt and then come down between your legs into the water.

00:00:49.000 You gotta point down.

00:00:50.000 You gotta hurt yourself.

00:00:51.000 You gotta go overhand.

00:00:53.000 Yeah, like you're going deep into third gear.

00:00:57.000 I gotta hurst.

00:01:00.000 Hurst!

00:01:03.000 Yeah, that's the thing is like, and I've never been a shower guy.

00:01:07.000 And especially now that I'm, I'll be 54 on Wednesday.

00:01:12.000 You're a bath guy?

00:01:12.000 I'm a bath guy.

00:01:15.000 No, I meant for jerking off. 0.99

00:01:19.000 I remember jerking off in the bath once and it just floated. 1.00

00:01:22.000 It's fucking egg drunk too. 0.99

00:01:23.000 It floated around. 1.00

00:01:25.000 It's terrible.

00:01:26.000 Who order egg drop chism? 1.00

00:01:29.000 It's fucking floating. 1.00

00:01:31.000 What? 0.99

00:01:32.000 It's cooking, right?

00:01:34.000 I remember once, I was at my brother-in-law's apartment in New York.

00:01:41.000 He lives in New York City, and we played midnight hockey in Central Park. 0.98

00:01:45.000 He played in this league, and you go out, and it was fucking February. 0.92

00:01:48.000 We went out, it was like 20 degrees out, and we played hockey for an hour and a half in Central Park. 0.88

00:01:53.000 You know, they have rinks out there.

00:01:55.000 Right.

00:01:56.000 And we come back, and I was out of shape, but this guy's like a hockey fanatic, so I wanted to do it.

00:02:02.000 So I come back, and I was like, I gotta take a bath. 0.99

00:02:04.000 So I go into the bath, and they're fucking slobs. 0.99

00:02:07.000 It's three brothers living together in an apartment. 0.99

00:02:11.000 So I go in the bathroom, and...

00:02:16.000 I fill it up. 0.96

00:02:16.000 I get in, and I'm laying there, and I'm fucking chilling out. 0.96

00:02:19.000 I'm like, oh, this feels so good. 0.99

00:02:21.000 And then I see this egg drop soup, and I realize, like, they all jerk off in the shower.

00:02:28.000 And it was just floating!

00:02:30.000 And I was like, ah!

00:02:31.000 And I just, like, jumped up. 0.99

00:02:34.000 Fucking showered for like 45 minutes. 0.99

00:02:37.000 It's so weird that we're more terrified of jizz than virtually any other body part. 1.00

00:02:44.000 Like if I had a choice between a guy jizzing on my pants or peeing on my pants, I'd say peeing all day. 0.99

00:02:50.000 Oh, yeah! 0.98

00:02:51.000 Right?

00:02:51.000 Absolutely.

00:02:52.000 But isn't that hilarious?

00:02:53.000 Isn't that weird? 1.00

00:02:53.000 It's like we've decided that one fluid coming out of the dick is associated with pleasure, male pleasure, dirty men trying to cum. 1.00

00:03:05.000 Like, to have that on you is like, he got you! 1.00

00:03:08.000 That guy got you with his seed! 0.89

00:03:11.000 Yeah!

00:03:11.000 Right, right.

00:03:12.000 He owns you. 1.00

00:03:14.000 Pee, you're just an idiot. 1.00

00:03:15.000 Why are you peeing on me, man? 1.00

00:03:18.000 Yeah, my friends have peed on me. 0.79

00:03:19.000 It's happened.

00:03:20.000 You know?

00:03:22.000 If you're out in the woods.

00:03:23.000 We were out in the woods and we were at a fort.

00:03:27.000 We had this fort when we were teenagers.

00:03:29.000 We were like 13 and we were already drinking and smoking a lot of pot when we were like 13. And we were in this fort and we all got shit-faced and then my friend just pulled his dick out and he started peeing on all of us. 0.99

00:03:45.000 And I remember having to go home that night. 1.00

00:03:47.000 Like, my genes were drenched in piss.

00:03:49.000 It wasn't even mine. 0.95

00:03:50.000 Of course, my mother thought it was me.

00:03:53.000 That really is the difference between men and women. 0.99

00:03:55.000 Girls don't go out and pee on each other, do they? 1.00

00:03:56.000 No.

00:03:57.000 They rarely go in the woods by themselves anyway.

00:04:00.000 Right.

00:04:01.000 Just a group of girls in the woods, that's a horror movie. 1.00

00:04:03.000 You're not supposed to do that.

00:04:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:04:05.000 A group of guys in the woods, that's normal shit. 1.00

00:04:07.000 Right. 0.99

00:04:08.000 A group of girls in the woods is like, what are you girls doing on here? 0.87

00:04:11.000 Do you have a gun?

00:04:12.000 Yeah.

00:04:13.000 You can't just be in the woods.

00:04:14.000 Yeah.

00:04:15.000 Isn't it weird that the woods make everything scarier?

00:04:18.000 Everything.

00:04:18.000 It's like where all the grim fairy tales start, right?

00:04:21.000 Well, it's all where wolves would eat people in the woods.

00:04:24.000 That's what it was.

00:04:25.000 That's where all the Little Red Riding Hood...

00:04:27.000 We don't have to deal with that anymore.

00:04:29.000 So we kind of forgot what can happen.

00:04:32.000 Wolves don't play by any rules.

00:04:34.000 They'll eat your kids. 1.00

00:04:35.000 For sure.

00:04:36.000 And people used to have to deal with that until they wiped them out.

00:04:41.000 I'm not an anti-wolf guy.

00:04:42.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:04:43.000 But that's what those fears are all about.

00:04:45.000 Right.

00:04:45.000 Going through the woods at night and monsters are hiding and they're trying to get you.

00:04:49.000 Yeah.

00:04:49.000 Everything's scarier in the woods.

00:04:51.000 We've escaped the woods.

00:04:52.000 We've got some nice hard surfaces and some street lights.

00:04:55.000 I feel pretty good about it. 0.98

00:04:57.000 I feel like we're fucking holding our ground here. 0.98

00:04:59.000 But every now and then a coyote will run across Burbank Boulevard. 0.98

00:05:02.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:05:02.000 Every now and then a coyote is on Olive Street.

00:05:05.000 Just looking around, trying to see what kind of action you can get in this part of town. 1.00

00:05:12.000 Those fucking creeps. 1.00

00:05:13.000 It's like the Roadrunner. 1.00

00:05:14.000 It's like, yeah, the fucking coyote, man. 1.00

00:05:16.000 Watch out. 1.00

00:05:17.000 He's got some Acme shit. 1.00

00:05:18.000 Except in the Roadrunner, the coyote never wins. 1.00

00:05:21.000 Yeah.

00:05:22.000 In real life, they always win.

00:05:24.000 Of course.

00:05:24.000 They win every time.

00:05:25.000 They beat me.

00:05:26.000 They killed all my chickens, dude.

00:05:28.000 All of them.

00:05:28.000 They got them all.

00:05:30.000 This was here?

00:05:31.000 Yeah.

00:05:32.000 Wow.

00:05:33.000 Yeah.

00:05:34.000 You had fencing?

00:05:35.000 Yes, they got in.

00:05:36.000 They broke into the chicken coop.

00:05:37.000 They killed nine chickens.

00:05:38.000 The last remaining nine chickens.

00:05:40.000 They plucked them off one at a time. 1.00

00:05:43.000 Damn! 1.00

00:05:43.000 Yeah, with help from my dog at one point in time. 1.00

00:05:46.000 My Mastiff became friends with a coyote.

00:05:50.000 And he's way bigger than them.

00:05:52.000 So they used him to break into the chicken coop.

00:05:55.000 So he broke into the chicken coop and the coyotes got in the chicken coop with the dog.

00:05:59.000 Like they literally tricked the dog into breaking into the chicken coop. 0.99

00:06:04.000 I wonder if the Mastiff got shit from other Mastiffs. 0.99

00:06:06.000 Like, dude, you're friends with Coyotes? 1.00

00:06:08.000 Well, you know, he just got tricked.

00:06:11.000 He thought they were dogs.

00:06:12.000 He thought they were his friends.

00:06:13.000 Right. 1.00

00:06:14.000 And my other dog's kind of an asshole, and they don't get along that good. 1.00

00:06:17.000 They're both gone now, unfortunately. 1.00

00:06:18.000 They're 13. Yeah.

00:06:20.000 They both passed.

00:06:21.000 And 13 is exceptionally old for a Mastiff, too.

00:06:23.000 He was really hurting at the end.

00:06:24.000 But he was the best dog.

00:06:25.000 But he just wanted to be friends with the Coyote. 1.00

00:06:27.000 The Coyote's like, hey man, let's kill these fucking chickens. 1.00

00:06:30.000 He's like, yeah! 1.00

00:06:31.000 Let's kill the chickens! 1.00

00:06:32.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

00:06:34.000 Peer pressure from the coyotes.

00:06:36.000 The thing that happens with chickens where they'll be convinced that they have laid a viable egg, like they've been bred with, it's kind of sad, really.

00:06:46.000 And they'll sit on an egg.

00:06:49.000 And they pluck all their feathers out and nothing ever happens.

00:06:54.000 No egg ever comes and turns into a chick because they're not being impregnated by roosters.

00:06:59.000 Which, by the way, I didn't know until I was 40. And I was like, oh yeah, of course, duh.

00:07:04.000 I didn't know that until I was 40. Anyway, you have to take them out of the regular population and put them in a smaller coop where they have to sit up on their feet.

00:07:12.000 And you do it for a few days and they get over it.

00:07:14.000 If you don't, They'll continue to pull their feathers out for like a whole cycle, and they'll do it for like 28, 30 days.

00:07:22.000 It's not good for them. 0.98

00:07:23.000 They're pecking at their skin and shit, so you have to separate them. 0.99

00:07:26.000 So when we separate them, we put them in a smaller coop, a little small one where it has to sit up for a couple days. 0.99

00:07:31.000 And the dog just smashed that. 0.99

00:07:34.000 I mean, he's 140 pounds of solid muscle and bone.

00:07:38.000 The sweetest dog of all time, Mastiffs.

00:07:41.000 They're so sweet.

00:07:42.000 He didn't want to hurt a fly, but this coyote was his buddy, and he was like, yeah, what a great idea. 0.91

00:07:47.000 So he smashes this little chicken coop, and then the coyote, we're playing like fucking Clue or something. 0.99

00:07:53.000 Me and my family are sitting around playing some board game, and we look up, I go, A fucking coyote's got a chicken! 0.99

00:08:00.000 So the coyote's running through the backyard with the chicken in its mouth. 0.99

00:08:04.000 And I see it.

00:08:05.000 They had a fence in the backyard where the coyote jumped over that was about...

00:08:12.000 Five feet?

00:08:14.000 Five feet?

00:08:15.000 Five inches maybe?

00:08:16.000 Something like that?

00:08:17.000 Yeah.

00:08:17.000 That coyote went like this.

00:08:18.000 Da-ding! 0.76

00:08:19.000 Like it was nothing. 1.00

00:08:20.000 No shit. 0.99

00:08:21.000 You can't believe how agile they are. 1.00

00:08:24.000 Yeah, their back legs are like springs.

00:08:25.000 With a chicken in its mouth, dude.

00:08:28.000 I mean, it leaped up into the air, touched the top of the five foot thing like it was nothing.

00:08:33.000 And then bounced right over it and landed on the ground so gracefully.

00:08:37.000 I had to admire it.

00:08:39.000 I know it just killed my chicken, but I'm like, whoa, look at that thing. 0.99

00:08:43.000 But dude, when you have kids and you see those fucking things, you just go, wait, what is stopping that from eating a baby? 0.99

00:08:51.000 Nothing! 1.00

00:08:52.000 Nothing's stopping that from eating a baby.

00:08:53.000 You leave a baby in the yard, a coyote will steal it and jump over the fence with it.

00:08:57.000 Understand that. 1.00

00:08:59.000 Fortunately, human beings don't leave their fucking babies by themselves. 1.00

00:09:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:09:02.000 But if you did... 1.00

00:09:04.000 Dude, we were in South Africa one time, and we were taking a hike down to the Cape of Good Hope, which is like the point.

00:09:10.000 It's like the western point of Africa.

00:09:13.000 And they have baboons there. 0.99

00:09:15.000 It's like a baboon fucking forest. 0.99

00:09:18.000 And so we're like, there's a park ranger there, and we're like, should we be scared? 0.99

00:09:22.000 And he's like, you guys are fine, but if you put your...

00:09:25.000 My son at the time was about three or four.

00:09:28.000 He's like, if you put him down, they're going to take him. 1.00

00:09:32.000 Just like that, we're like, fuck! 1.00

00:09:35.000 Could you imagine watching your baby get snatched by... 1.00

00:09:42.000 A baboon.

00:09:43.000 Which is like a dog monkey.

00:09:45.000 Yeah.

00:09:45.000 Right?

00:09:46.000 They're the weirdest ones.

00:09:47.000 Yeah.

00:09:47.000 Because they kind of have like a dog face almost.

00:09:50.000 Yeah.

00:09:50.000 Giant canines.

00:09:51.000 Right.

00:09:52.000 Do you know they're so smart that they train dogs?

00:09:55.000 Baboons do? 1.00

00:09:55.000 Baboons train dogs. 1.00

00:09:56.000 Oh, no shit. 1.00

00:09:57.000 They steal puppies. 1.00

00:09:59.000 They bring the puppies into their little camp and they feed them.

00:10:02.000 And that way the puppy barks whenever anything's coming near so they can go to sleep.

00:10:07.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:10:07.000 No shit. 1.00

00:10:08.000 Dude. 1.00

00:10:09.000 And they eat babies.

00:10:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:10:12.000 Damn! 1.00

00:10:13.000 What? 1.00

00:10:14.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

00:10:16.000 It's crazy video, too. 1.00

00:10:17.000 You see these baboons dragging these puppies by their tail.

00:10:22.000 Just dragging them.

00:10:23.000 And then the puppy tries to get away. 1.00

00:10:25.000 Sit the fuck down. 1.00

00:10:26.000 Just put them in the puppy, doesn't know what to do. 1.00

00:10:27.000 The puppy's yiping.

00:10:28.000 They give him some food.

00:10:30.000 Bro, they're like little demons.

00:10:32.000 They're trained dogs. 1.00

00:10:34.000 They're strong as shit, too. 1.00

00:10:35.000 They're super strong. 1.00

00:10:37.000 There's a really, really interesting guy out of Stanford, Professor Robert Sapolsky.

00:10:46.000 And we were really fortunate enough to get him to talk on the podcast about a bunch of different things, one of them being parasites that control behavior of certain animals and cats and stuff called toxoplasmosis.

00:10:59.000 But another thing is that he studied baboons.

00:11:01.000 For like a long time, like years, he studied the same pack.

00:11:04.000 He would go back to Africa and study these same baboons over and over again. 0.99

00:11:07.000 And while he was studying them, there was a case where a really crazy thing had happened where poison food had gotten into the dump.

00:11:15.000 And these baboons had eaten the poison food.

00:11:18.000 And because the alphas always ate first, they got the poison food and they died off.

00:11:24.000 And something like that, I hope I'm not fucking this up, but there was some sort of a shift because of eating poisoned food where the really aggressive males were gone.

00:11:34.000 And then the males just started like grooming each other and hanging out.

00:11:37.000 It was like the hairstylists, one.

00:11:39.000 I mean, it's really crazy.

00:11:41.000 It's like the baboons who are more chill. 1.00

00:11:44.000 Like, hey, man, we don't have to kill babies. 0.96

00:11:46.000 Let's just go raid the dumpsters. 1.00

00:11:48.000 Those baboons survived.

00:11:50.000 And then the crazy thing is many generations later, that same behavior, the shift in behavior was still observed.

00:11:58.000 There wasn't so much, like, super aggressive, angry, tooth-and-claw males that are dominating everyone else.

00:12:05.000 It was more like cooperation and working with each other. 1.00

00:12:09.000 Yeah, it's crazy shit. 0.97

00:12:10.000 I know I'm butchering it, so apologies to Professor Sapolsky. 0.99

00:12:14.000 He's amazing.

00:12:16.000 His stuff about this guy Sapolsky is— So maybe there's something to this Me Too movement.

00:12:20.000 We castrate all aggressive men.

00:12:22.000 Well, I have a bit where I talk about hyenas and matriarchal animal societies.

00:12:29.000 Hyenas, the females, are particularly vicious. 1.00

00:12:31.000 I don't want to do the bit, but one of the reasons why they're vicious is because the men are bitches. 1.00

00:12:36.000 They're all, hee hee, and they're running away, and there's lions everywhere. 0.99

00:12:38.000 They can't be strong.

00:12:40.000 So the females got more powerful, and they took over the society. 1.00

00:12:44.000 That happens in all sorts of ecosystems.

00:12:47.000 We have this idea that the males have to dominate, because we dominate now.

00:12:52.000 In nature, we are not a single-celled organism, right?

00:12:56.000 We're not a primate that has hair all over its body anymore.

00:12:59.000 We're some new thing.

00:13:00.000 Well, we became this new thing because we adapted, right?

00:13:04.000 Something happened, there was natural selection, there was random mutations, and then boom, human being in 2020. But that doesn't mean this is the same thing as a human being in 3,020, or 4,020, or 10,020.

00:13:17.000 We might be turning into a totally different thing, and it seems like we are to me. 0.67

00:13:21.000 I mean, if you just look at the difference between, like this, this dope-ass chimpanzee skull that... 0.89

00:13:32.000 This dude made for me, man. 0.71

00:13:34.000 Shane Against the Machine on Instagram.

00:13:36.000 He made that army helmet head, too. 0.97

00:13:38.000 But the point is, this thing is fucking way stronger than us. 0.99

00:13:43.000 This thing is like, it might look kind of like us, but it would tear us to pieces. 0.99

00:13:49.000 Even if it's close to the same weight as us, it's so impossibly strong.

00:13:54.000 You can't even imagine it.

00:13:56.000 So we're not that anymore.

00:13:57.000 Something happened.

00:13:58.000 Something happened, right? 0.99

00:13:59.000 We stopped being this ridiculously strong, murderous omnivore. 0.60

00:14:07.000 And we became a human being, which seems to be way more calm, except in big bursts of rage. 0.97

00:14:11.000 Mass shootings.

00:14:12.000 Well, it's like in that book, Sapien, when we went from being Neanderthal to Homo Sapien, that they existed at the same time.

00:14:22.000 Yes, yeah.

00:14:23.000 And that actually Neanderthal is way stronger, way faster, bigger. 0.67

00:14:28.000 Yeah.

00:14:29.000 Bigger brain, too.

00:14:30.000 Did it have a bigger brain?

00:14:31.000 Yeah, I think.

00:14:32.000 Is that true?

00:14:33.000 I thought the Sapiens— I thought that's true.

00:14:35.000 I thought Homo Sapiens out-thunk— Out-thought?

00:14:38.000 Out-thunk?

00:14:39.000 I think they think they did, because I think they think that the larger brain, if I remember correctly, was connected to the mass of the bodies.

00:14:47.000 The bodies are very massive.

00:14:49.000 They were like, my height, it was like a really tall male, like 5'8".

00:14:55.000 Neanderthal brains, bigger, not necessarily better, but they were like 210 pounds.

00:15:01.000 Yeah.

00:15:01.000 They were just built different than us.

00:15:03.000 And not tall, right?

00:15:04.000 No, no, no. 1.00

00:15:04.000 They were short, wide, thick-ass, fucking crazy thick bones. 1.00

00:15:10.000 Like, their bone structure was very dense. 0.99

00:15:13.000 They had, like, real, like, the difference between human, like, homo sapien bones and Neanderthal bones. 1.00

00:15:19.000 You look at them like, damn, these motherfuckers were sturdy. 1.00

00:15:21.000 Yeah, right. 1.00

00:15:22.000 You know?

00:15:22.000 You could see it.

00:15:24.000 Does it have something to do with that the Homo sapiens were able to get into trees and get into places where they could escape?

00:15:29.000 See, in those images right there, they look pretty similar, other than the shape of the head.

00:15:34.000 Yeah, and the hips are lower. 0.90

00:15:36.000 Yeah, but the bones don't look too much, well, it's shorter, but the bones don't look too much bigger.

00:15:39.000 Right.

00:15:40.000 I had seen something where it was talking about the mass of the bones, that they were larger, different proportions than Homo sapiens.

00:15:49.000 It's just crazy that there's been a bunch of different kinds of people, man.

00:15:52.000 Once you really wrap your head around that, what are those ones in Russia that are still trying to figure out?

00:15:58.000 The Denisovans? 0.58

00:15:59.000 Oh, yeah.

00:16:00.000 And then there's a few of them.

00:16:01.000 The Homo floriensis, that little hobbit man that lived in the island of Flores. 0.98

00:16:05.000 Those are human.

00:16:06.000 That's a weird little human being.

00:16:08.000 Right.

00:16:09.000 Dude, there's been a bunch of us.

00:16:10.000 No, it's true.

00:16:11.000 If you think about, you know, God willing, this species goes forward, as far as you say, 10,000.

00:16:18.000 I mean, can you imagine in the year 10,000?

00:16:21.000 It's almost like when you look at all those movies like E.T. or any of those...

00:16:26.000 It's always a bigger head, a smaller body, and big fingers, because it's just a fucking keyboard. 0.99

00:16:33.000 I mean, you think about it, when E.T. was made, there wasn't even really computers being used on a regular basis at that point, but they sort of figured out that's what it's going to be. 0.98

00:16:42.000 Do you remember that Matthew Broderick movie, War Games?

00:16:45.000 No.

00:16:46.000 Do you want to play a game?

00:16:47.000 It was like in a computer console.

00:16:49.000 Oh, right, right, right, yeah.

00:16:49.000 Dermonuclear War.

00:16:50.000 Yeah.

00:16:51.000 He played Dermonuclear War with a computer.

00:16:53.000 Yeah.

00:16:53.000 Remember, that's what people thought.

00:16:55.000 Like, oh my god, computers are going to take over.

00:16:57.000 Yeah.

00:16:57.000 They were kind of right.

00:16:58.000 They just didn't see it coming like this.

00:17:00.000 What do you mean, kind of?

00:17:02.000 You don't think they're...

00:17:02.000 Oh, yeah.

00:17:03.000 They're definitely right.

00:17:04.000 I just...

00:17:05.000 It's not like computers are starting nuclear wars and tricking society.

00:17:10.000 Right.

00:17:10.000 But once they do...

00:17:12.000 Once they realize how fucked up our priorities are, you know, once computers... 0.70

00:17:20.000 One thing you have to say about, though, this coronavirus thing, this is a good example of people who are at least... 0.94

00:17:29.000 Like, the compliance of the country, the total compliance, it's not perfect, but it's pretty fucking incredible.

00:17:37.000 Right. 0.96

00:17:38.000 Pretty fucking incredible. 0.98

00:17:39.000 You got the whole country to shut down for a month for a virus and just kind of hang out and just no one goes anywhere. 0.99

00:17:46.000 You go to the supermarket, minimal movement, you know, just chill.

00:17:50.000 Couple states are holding out.

00:17:51.000 Couple states. 1.00

00:17:52.000 I think Mississippi is like, fuck it, we gonna keep on living the way we do. 1.00

00:17:57.000 I think it was Alabama. 1.00

00:17:59.000 I think Alabama, there, there, is that, see if it's Alabama was the quote that said, we're not California.

00:18:04.000 Yeah.

00:18:07.000 You realize what we represent to the Deep South? 0.99

00:18:09.000 We are the fucking annoying, like, the little snowflake state. 0.99

00:18:16.000 Oh, for sure, dude. 0.99

00:18:17.000 Meanwhile, we're not at all.

00:18:18.000 There's a lot of tough people.

00:18:20.000 California's got a lot of right-wingers also.

00:18:22.000 Yeah, man.

00:18:23.000 A lot.

00:18:23.000 Alabama governor refuses to issue shelter-in-place order.

00:18:26.000 We are not California.

00:18:27.000 Look at her.

00:18:28.000 God bless her heart.

00:18:29.000 She's 80 years old.

00:18:30.000 Bless her heart. 0.87

00:18:33.000 It's all COVID-19.

00:18:34.000 Kay Ivey said during a news conference on Thursday she would not issue a shelter-in-place order that 21 other states have enacted to prevent further spread of COVID-19.

00:18:45.000 Y'all, we are not Louisiana.

00:18:48.000 We are not New York State.

00:18:49.000 We are not California.

00:18:51.000 Oh, okay.

00:18:51.000 You've got to publish that whole statement.

00:18:54.000 You gotta publish that whole statement.

00:18:55.000 You can't just say, we are not California.

00:18:57.000 See, that's a little sneaky.

00:18:59.000 Yeah.

00:18:59.000 It's a little sneaky.

00:19:01.000 Right.

00:19:01.000 But I get it because you can't have the whole thing in a title of a story, right?

00:19:06.000 No, everything's clickbait.

00:19:07.000 But that's a good clickbait.

00:19:09.000 We are not California.

00:19:10.000 Yeah.

00:19:10.000 But we are not Louisiana.

00:19:11.000 Not so clickbait, is it?

00:19:13.000 No.

00:19:13.000 That's like, what are you saying?

00:19:15.000 You're not Louisiana. 0.99

00:19:15.000 What the fuck does that mean? 0.99

00:19:17.000 It's so funny that the South has these—and it goes back to the Civil War. 0.99

00:19:23.000 I mean, the statewide identity is so powerful.

00:19:26.000 You think about how Texans think of themselves.

00:19:29.000 They are Texans before they are Americans. 0.99

00:19:33.000 Oh, yeah!

00:19:34.000 And it's like that in most Southern states. 0.99

00:19:36.000 And it's like, you know, that's what the fucking war was fought about. 0.98

00:19:39.000 But it's Texas more than any of the other ones now. 0.99

00:19:42.000 Texas is a totally different country.

00:19:44.000 I'm 100% on board with that.

00:19:46.000 It's a different country.

00:19:48.000 It's Texas.

00:19:49.000 They got their own economy.

00:19:50.000 They're a republic too.

00:19:52.000 For the longest time, they could have bailed.

00:19:57.000 They're the ones who had to fight off the Comanches, dude. 0.98

00:20:00.000 Yeah.

00:20:00.000 Oh my God.

00:20:01.000 When I read this book, what is the Guinn novel?

00:20:09.000 Empire of the Summer Moon.

00:20:10.000 This Native American book I read.

00:20:12.000 I actually listened to it on audio, I don't want to lie.

00:20:15.000 But it's amazing.

00:20:16.000 And it's all about the Comanches and the Comanche Indians. 0.93

00:20:20.000 The Texas Rangers, which were created to try to combat the Comanches. 0.94

00:20:23.000 This guy moved to Texas and started reading up on the history of American Indian and settler combat and all the different crazy shit that went on during those days. 0.99

00:20:34.000 And he's like, what in the fuck? 0.99

00:20:36.000 These Comanches just ran this place for hundreds of years. 1.00

00:20:39.000 They were like the first ones to figure out horseback.

00:20:42.000 That was Texas.

00:20:43.000 So the Texas Rangers were the first successful guys against the Comanche. 0.99

00:20:48.000 And they basically fought like the Comanche. 0.83

00:20:50.000 They fought on horseback.

00:20:51.000 They didn't dress like regular soldiers.

00:20:53.000 They grew their hair out long. 0.99

00:20:54.000 They're just savages. 0.98

00:20:55.000 And they were our savages. 0.91

00:20:57.000 And they went out and fought the savages at the savage game.

00:21:00.000 And that's like what established Texas.

00:21:02.000 That's a deeply rooted independent place. 1.00

00:21:05.000 Like, hey, fuck you. 1.00

00:21:06.000 We carved this fucking place out. 1.00

00:21:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:21:09.000 Dude, there's a book.

00:21:10.000 I just finished this book about that exact time.

00:21:13.000 It was about the Rangers when they first went down into Mexico because it's a book by Cormac McCarthy called Blood Meridian.

00:21:21.000 Oh, yeah.

00:21:22.000 I've heard about that book. 1.00

00:21:23.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:21:25.000 Dude, it's about these Texas Rangers, they go into Mexico, and they get paid per scalp. 1.00

00:21:31.000 So it's just detailing, and it's based on a true story.

00:21:35.000 It's about this group that goes down in there, and they lose it.

00:21:39.000 It's like Heart of Darkness.

00:21:41.000 They go down there, or, you know, Apocalypse Now.

00:21:44.000 They go down there, and they start going after...

00:21:49.000 Tribes that are attacking Americans. 0.86

00:21:51.000 And then eventually they realize they're just making money per scalps. 1.00

00:21:54.000 They go after fucking peaceful societies, kids, fucking... 1.00

00:22:00.000 And they would just... 1.00

00:22:01.000 They would go in and they would pick up babies and smash them against rocks.

00:22:07.000 I mean, everything is detailed about how it really was. 0.99

00:22:11.000 And Cormac McCarthy, like, dude, that guy can fucking write. 1.00

00:22:15.000 Goddamn. 0.99

00:22:16.000 That wasn't that long ago. 0.99

00:22:17.000 No, this was the 1860s.

00:22:19.000 Yeah, that's really close.

00:22:21.000 Yeah.

00:22:22.000 If you think about the difference between life now and then, But again, you know, look at what's going on with the cartels in Mexico.

00:22:33.000 I mean, there's giant swats of Mexico just totally controlled by the cartels.

00:22:39.000 If you're a person who lives in that town, like...

00:22:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:42.000 Shit out of luck. 1.00

00:22:43.000 No one's going to come rescue you. 1.00

00:22:45.000 No one's going to help you.

00:22:46.000 Now, there's no government.

00:22:47.000 There's no police.

00:22:49.000 Right there.

00:22:49.000 Yeah.

00:22:51.000 You want to talk about fucking heroic people. 0.99

00:22:53.000 How about guys that will stay in the local police and try to fight against these cartels? 0.99

00:23:00.000 Journalists in Mexico that'll write about the cartels.

00:23:03.000 That's a death sentence.

00:23:06.000 And then you think about these immigrants that are coming to this country. 0.97

00:23:08.000 It's like, you know, there was a time where we really did honor the idea that if you were a refugee from a war-torn country whose life was in danger, that was a reason to get into this country.

00:23:19.000 And it's very hard for them to figure out at the border who's who and who's telling what story.

00:23:25.000 But, you know, you go to a lot of places in, you know, El Salvador, Nicaragua.

00:23:31.000 I mean, they are literally fleeing for their lives when they leave their towns.

00:23:37.000 Yeah.

00:23:39.000 That's right next door.

00:23:41.000 Yeah.

00:23:41.000 We got this weird idea that that's far enough away.

00:23:44.000 I know.

00:23:45.000 I know.

00:23:46.000 It's real weird.

00:23:46.000 Yeah.

00:23:47.000 Because in a lot of ways, it's like any disaster that can happen.

00:23:52.000 You know, you almost should have saw it coming.

00:23:55.000 Yeah.

00:23:56.000 Like, almost every crazy disaster, like, you almost should have saw it coming.

00:24:00.000 Like, why are they still building houses that get torn apart by hurricanes?

00:24:05.000 Isn't it possible to build a house that doesn't get torn apart by hurricanes?

00:24:08.000 Yeah, but economically, it's not really wise.

00:24:10.000 It's, like, it's too hard.

00:24:12.000 When you see houses getting torn apart by hurricanes, like, you get it.

00:24:16.000 It's a resource issue.

00:24:17.000 But part of you is like, man, as human beings, we know how to make houses that survive hurricanes.

00:24:22.000 Right.

00:24:22.000 Don't we?

00:24:23.000 Yeah.

00:24:23.000 They make some hurricane-proof houses, right?

00:24:25.000 Yeah.

00:24:26.000 Why don't they retrofit houses for hurricanes?

00:24:28.000 I get it.

00:24:29.000 It'd be super expensive.

00:24:30.000 But when you see the amount of money that they have now with this stimulus package...

00:24:35.000 I hate to say it, but it does bring forth a lot of the ideas that people like Bernie Sanders talk about. 0.98

00:24:43.000 Where it's like you've got all this money to help people when the shit hits the fan. 0.89

00:24:46.000 But why didn't you have all this money to help people get out of a bad situation? 0.92

00:24:52.000 Why didn't you have all this money to help stimulate inner cities that are economically depressed?

00:24:57.000 Why does it have to wait until the entire country has shut down for a month? 0.99

00:25:02.000 That you realize, we gotta give these people some fucking money. 0.99

00:25:04.000 Like, where's this money coming from, man? 0.99

00:25:06.000 Right.

00:25:07.000 What have you been doing with it?

00:25:09.000 It's almost like on a micro level, you can look at your own family for a lot of people.

00:25:13.000 Like I know with me, it's like I'm on the road more than I probably want to be sometimes because I'm always like, I got a kid in college, I got to save money.

00:25:23.000 And now that I'm not working at all for possibly a long fucking time, and comedians, we're going to be one of the last people back in the workforce because it's going to demand that people trust getting back into groups again.

00:25:35.000 I refuse to let you call it the workforce, us being a part of the workforce. 0.98

00:25:39.000 I fucking refuse. 0.99

00:25:41.000 I'm thinking of people out there working in kitchens and fucking carrying big garbage bags out to the dumpster. 1.00

00:25:48.000 You don't bring a lunch pail and punch in when you get the funny bone? 0.98

00:25:49.000 People are doing things they don't want to do for money.

00:25:51.000 You are the ones in the workforce, and thank you.

00:25:54.000 No, but just in terms of money, I think about like, I'm fine.

00:25:59.000 We're tightening up, keeping it simple.

00:26:01.000 And I'm realizing, in a way, as far as my family goes, never been happier with my family.

00:26:07.000 Never felt closer.

00:26:08.000 We're having amazing memories.

00:26:11.000 We do yoga as a family every other night.

00:26:13.000 We have dinners.

00:26:14.000 We take turns cooking it. 1.00

00:26:16.000 We did fucking jigsaw puzzles. 0.99

00:26:17.000 It's amazing. 1.00

00:26:18.000 And I wouldn't be doing that right now if there wasn't a goddamn pandemic going on. 0.97

00:26:22.000 That's true, right? 0.98

00:26:24.000 It's like a little bit of a reset in terms of the time that you have and what's worth what to you.

00:26:31.000 What is it?

00:26:32.000 What do you want?

00:26:34.000 Do you want a bigger house?

00:26:36.000 Do you want more property?

00:26:38.000 Do you want more this?

00:26:39.000 Or do you want more happiness?

00:26:41.000 Because for a lot of people, you keep chasing more and more money, but it's not necessarily making you happier.

00:26:50.000 Because you're just doing it for the money.

00:26:52.000 It's not like money that came along while you're doing what you loved.

00:26:56.000 And so for a lot of us, when you're chasing things, Like, why are you doing it?

00:27:01.000 And sometimes you stop.

00:27:02.000 Or you're forced to stop.

00:27:04.000 Like, we're forced to stop.

00:27:05.000 And then you go, why?

00:27:06.000 Am I just living on momentum?

00:27:08.000 Did I never assess whether or not it's smart to be flying all the time?

00:27:12.000 Right.

00:27:13.000 And always tired from it? 0.98

00:27:14.000 Coming in on Sunday just fucking exhausted all the time instead of just waking up? 0.98

00:27:18.000 Like, now I'm just waking up. 0.98

00:27:20.000 I know.

00:27:20.000 Isn't it weird?

00:27:21.000 And I'm like, oh, no jet lag.

00:27:22.000 Look, I just wake up.

00:27:23.000 Yeah.

00:27:23.000 You wake up and I'm like, look, I'm awake.

00:27:25.000 It is so weird after 30 years of doing stand-up to not fucking go out at all.

00:27:34.000 I mean, I've never gone... 0.90

00:27:36.000 I don't think I've ever gone more than two or three weeks without doing stand-up.

00:27:40.000 And really, I rarely, rarely do less than four nights a week.

00:27:46.000 Yeah.

00:27:47.000 And to not do it at all now for two weeks straight, three weeks straight, whatever it's been.

00:27:52.000 What's the longest you've ever done where you didn't do it before?

00:27:55.000 I would say probably three to four weeks.

00:27:58.000 I remember the first time I took a big break, I had knee surgery.

00:28:01.000 I had my ACL reconstructed.

00:28:03.000 My left knee, the first one I ever got.

00:28:05.000 And I was two weeks out.

00:28:07.000 No stand-up for two weeks.

00:28:08.000 Then I finally did it on crutches. 0.99

00:28:09.000 I'm like, I am doing fucking stand-up. 0.98

00:28:11.000 I'm getting up there. 0.99

00:28:13.000 With crutches on, I did stand-up.

00:28:15.000 I was like, I'm not stopping. 0.95

00:28:17.000 This is ridiculous. 0.68

00:28:18.000 Two weeks was too much. 0.95

00:28:19.000 I was freaking out.

00:28:20.000 Because I wasn't that good back then either.

00:28:22.000 So two weeks is like...

00:28:23.000 That was probably like 91 or something like that.

00:28:26.000 That's like touch and go back then, man.

00:28:29.000 So how are you dealing with...

00:28:32.000 This shift in the paradigm, because for us, it's like we are receiving accolades.

00:28:38.000 We are getting positive energy thrown at us in the form of laughter.

00:28:43.000 How are you dealing with your psyche and the loss of that?

00:28:48.000 That's interesting.

00:28:49.000 That's an interesting question.

00:28:51.000 That doesn't seem to be affecting me at all.

00:28:54.000 I guess maybe because I've been able to do the podcast still, but also because I'm one of those people that I very highly value recognizing the reality of the moment.

00:29:09.000 And accepting it.

00:29:10.000 I think it's very important.

00:29:12.000 Very important to not dwell and freak out about things that you have zero control over.

00:29:18.000 This is clearly something.

00:29:19.000 We have zero control over.

00:29:21.000 The whole world's shut down.

00:29:23.000 And I think in those opportunities, sometimes it gives you a moment to reflect and go, okay.

00:29:31.000 How do I feel about everything?

00:29:32.000 How am I? What am I doing?

00:29:35.000 If this really is this temporary existence, am I doing it in the most pleasurable way, the most enjoyable way, the most fulfilling and loving way?

00:29:45.000 Am I doing this the right way?

00:29:46.000 Or am I just doing this the way I've been doing it because I'm on this momentum kick of you're constantly doing more and constantly doing bigger places and constantly traveling?

00:29:56.000 Okay, that's all fun.

00:29:58.000 No doubt about it.

00:29:59.000 That stuff's fun.

00:30:00.000 But what's the right balance, right?

00:30:03.000 There's a health and enjoyment balance that you have to recognize, and family and community balance, too.

00:30:12.000 We're all forced to hang out with each other.

00:30:15.000 Even if we're doing it like social distance style, we're kind of forced to be around each other all the time.

00:30:20.000 It's good.

00:30:21.000 Yeah.

00:30:22.000 It's good.

00:30:22.000 It's what we're supposed to be.

00:30:23.000 That's how people are supposed to live.

00:30:25.000 We're supposed to live around each other all the time.

00:30:27.000 And support each other.

00:30:28.000 Yeah, that's what communities used to be.

00:30:30.000 Take care of each other when somebody's down.

00:30:31.000 Like, what can I do?

00:30:33.000 I mean, it's like one of the first impulses a lot of people are feeling is, all right, first and foremost, take care of my own.

00:30:40.000 And then the second feeling, which is almost as strong as like, How can I help other people?

00:30:45.000 Community.

00:30:46.000 Yeah.

00:30:46.000 Our feeling of community.

00:30:47.000 It's enhanced.

00:30:48.000 You know, one of the places that I always think of as the loneliest places is apartment buildings.

00:30:54.000 Yeah.

00:30:55.000 I always feel like apartments are really lonely, which is a weird feeling, right, to have when you're looking at something that has thousands of people living in one structure or hundreds of people or whatever the number might be.

00:31:06.000 But I remember living in apartment buildings.

00:31:08.000 I never knew any of those people.

00:31:09.000 I'm like, hi, how you doing?

00:31:10.000 Hey, what's up?

00:31:11.000 You just go into your little door, you shut your cage, you bolt it, and you hope nobody breaks in and takes your things.

00:31:20.000 Apartments are weird.

00:31:21.000 You don't get too tight with people that live next door.

00:31:25.000 Especially if it's rentals.

00:31:27.000 If it's a condo where you own, people start to go like, you're going to be here for a while, we'll say hi.

00:31:32.000 Well, Norton, I think, owns his place, and he was saying he don't know anybody.

00:31:36.000 Oh, really?

00:31:37.000 Maybe it's changed since this conversation that I had with him. 0.99

00:31:40.000 He goes, I live with a fucking thousand people. 0.98

00:31:42.000 I don't know any of them. 0.99

00:31:43.000 Yeah, and he's got a fucking pool, and he's never invited me. 0.95

00:31:46.000 How many times, like, kiddingly, I go like, hey, we should all come over on Sunday. 0.99

00:31:51.000 You're like, we'll be at the cellar.

00:31:52.000 Hey, we should all come over Sunday and hang out at your pool.

00:31:54.000 And he's always like, yeah, his voice goes up like three hours.

00:31:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:31:59.000 Yeah, that'd be great.

00:32:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:32:01.000 He doesn't want anyone in his fucking house. 1.00

00:32:03.000 You can't come to his pool. 1.00

00:32:04.000 You can't come to his dungeon, first of all.

00:32:06.000 Who knows what kinds of straps and bolt-ons and who knows what kind of things. 0.99

00:32:11.000 Fake feet with a dick insert at the bottom of it. 0.99

00:32:14.000 He's so hilarious. 1.00

00:32:15.000 I saw him the other day in Spider-Man. 1.00

00:32:17.000 Oh, no shit. 1.00

00:32:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:32:19.000 I hate him and he stinks. 0.99

00:32:20.000 Something like that. 0.98

00:32:21.000 It was a quick blurb where they're asking him how he feels about Spider-Man. 0.95

00:32:27.000 It was fucking hilarious. 0.82

00:32:28.000 Dude, his book is called Happy Endings. 0.98

00:32:30.000 Two books. 0.95

00:32:31.000 It's so fucking funny. 0.98

00:32:32.000 He wrote two books. 0.96

00:32:34.000 Jim Norton is a legit author.

00:32:35.000 Yeah.

00:32:36.000 And I had a conversation with him about it.

00:32:38.000 There he is.

00:32:39.000 Play it.

00:32:40.000 Play it.

00:32:48.000 He got booked.

00:32:49.000 His agent negotiated it.

00:32:51.000 They sent a car.

00:32:52.000 He got a trailer.

00:32:53.000 They put on makeup.

00:32:54.000 They went through wardrobe tests. 0.93

00:32:56.000 And then just, he stinks and I don't like him.

00:32:59.000 Okay, that's a wrap. 0.64

00:33:00.000 Thanks for coming in.

00:33:01.000 I bet that was maybe two takes.

00:33:03.000 Maybe they asked him to do it twice, but he probably nailed it on the first one.

00:33:08.000 And he'll be getting residuals for the rest of his life. 0.90

00:33:10.000 He stinks and I don't like him.

00:33:15.000 It wasn't a bad movie, man. 0.95

00:33:16.000 We're watching a lot of movies.

00:33:18.000 Okay, here's something.

00:33:21.000 Underrated.

00:33:21.000 Massively underrated.

00:33:23.000 Adam Sandler movies.

00:33:24.000 Sure.

00:33:25.000 Adam Sandler movies are ridiculously underrated.

00:33:29.000 Yeah.

00:33:30.000 Ridiculously underrated.

00:33:31.000 You watching them with your daughters?

00:33:32.000 Dude, they're hilarious.

00:33:34.000 Yeah.

00:33:35.000 Adam Sandler has, like, I don't know how many movies that are really, really funny, but surprisingly funny.

00:33:43.000 Like, bah!

00:33:45.000 Chuck and Larry, the one where he marries Kevin James for benefits.

00:33:49.000 I didn't see that one.

00:33:50.000 Dude, it is hilarious.

00:33:52.000 There's some rough moments in it where you watch and you go, whoa, you could never do this in 2020. It's one of those movies like if somebody ever goes back on it and looks like, hey, what the fuck? 0.99

00:34:02.000 But ultimately, in the end, it was like a really positive movie. 0.98

00:34:05.000 But dude, there are hilarious moments in that movie where I'm like, wow, this is really fucking funny.

00:34:12.000 Yeah. 0.86

00:34:13.000 Kingpin? 0.99

00:34:15.000 Oh, Kingpin's fucking great. 0.99

00:34:17.000 No, no, it's a different movie. 0.99

00:34:19.000 No, no, I'm just saying Kingpin is another movie that I wish I could go back and watch again because it's a little too rough for my kids.

00:34:28.000 Rated R. But that's another one. 0.93

00:34:31.000 You can forget how fucking funny that movie is. 0.84

00:34:35.000 I forgot how funny those Adam Sandler movies are, though. 0.95

00:34:37.000 I really did.

00:34:40.000 There's a lot of them, man. 0.98

00:34:41.000 Waterboy is fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:34:43.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:34:44.000 It starts off, you're like, oh, is this going to be good? 0.98

00:34:46.000 Because, you know, it's 20 years ago or whatever the fuck it was. 0.99

00:34:49.000 Well, it's like, I don't know, did people watch Laurel and Hardy back then and go like, oh, this is fucking, did it all get dismissed as being too silly? 0.98

00:34:57.000 It's like, no, those guys now, you know, they accomplished something. 0.94

00:35:01.000 They provided something.

00:35:02.000 It's a style of movie. 0.98

00:35:04.000 It's a absurdist, ridiculous style. 0.98

00:35:09.000 The Zohan? 0.99

00:35:10.000 Yeah.

00:35:10.000 It's a style of movie.

00:35:11.000 Right, right.

00:35:12.000 And he's so good at it, man. 1.00

00:35:14.000 Really funny shit. 1.00

00:35:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:17.000 But it's weird.

00:35:18.000 People have this idea about what is acceptable funny and not acceptable funny.

00:35:22.000 And he always got pushed into this category of if critics would pan it.

00:35:30.000 If you look at a lot of them, the Rotten Tomatoes are like 14%, 15%.

00:35:33.000 And then the audience is like 97. Yeah, right.

00:35:37.000 Dude, they're just missing what it is.

00:35:39.000 You can't want the Ramones to be Pink Floyd.

00:35:44.000 Pink Floyd has their own style.

00:35:48.000 And the Ramones had a way more, like Rock and Roll High School, it was a simpler, it's a different thing.

00:35:53.000 It's a different thing, right?

00:35:55.000 Adam Sandler movies are their own thing. 0.97

00:35:57.000 They're fucking hilarious, man. 0.96

00:35:59.000 I've watched like five of them over the last week. 0.99

00:36:01.000 It kind of goes into the genre of like Lorne Michaels has never given a shit about critics, you know?

00:36:07.000 And they take sketches and characters from the show that are funny.

00:36:10.000 And starting with the first one must have been the Blues Brothers or Animal House. 0.88

00:36:15.000 And they just started spinning out fucking movies from what they knew were the kernels of something that was very funny. 0.98

00:36:22.000 They started there. 0.98

00:36:24.000 And so a lot of them are, you know, even like, it's Pat. 0.84

00:36:27.000 Like, you go back and watch some of those movies, they're fucking hilarious! 0.67

00:36:30.000 As long as you go in with the right mindset. 0.95

00:36:32.000 Tommy Boy I watched too.

00:36:33.000 Oh yeah.

00:36:34.000 You know, I never saw Tommy Boy before.

00:36:36.000 Yeah.

00:36:36.000 I'm like, why didn't I ever see this?

00:36:38.000 It's hilarious.

00:36:39.000 Yeah.

00:36:40.000 Swartzen's in that, right?

00:36:41.000 Yeah.

00:36:42.000 Swartzen's in all these movies.

00:36:44.000 Yeah.

00:36:44.000 He's in everything.

00:36:45.000 He's in Chuck and Larry.

00:36:46.000 He's like one of the best parts of Chuck and Larry.

00:36:48.000 Yeah.

00:36:48.000 So he's amazing.

00:36:49.000 Nick Swartzen is fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:36:51.000 He's really, really, really funny. 0.99

00:36:53.000 Yeah.

00:36:54.000 Dude, when he was like...

00:36:55.000 When he first came to New York, I can't imagine he was more than 19 or 20 years old.

00:36:59.000 And he was like hanging around with all the comics and...

00:37:02.000 And he was just like already as funny as everybody else.

00:37:05.000 He already had the confidence.

00:37:07.000 Yeah.

00:37:07.000 And just like the knowledge about...

00:37:09.000 He's a really fucking brilliant guy. 0.92

00:37:11.000 Well, he's just got a style of comedy too that's his. 0.98

00:37:14.000 Yeah.

00:37:14.000 You know, like his kind of punchline.

00:37:17.000 It's him, you know?

00:37:19.000 He knows how to do it.

00:37:20.000 He understands how to put diarrhea in a punchline.

00:37:24.000 Every one of these Adam Sandler movies, man.

00:37:27.000 So is Rob Schneider.

00:37:28.000 Rob Schneider's in every one of them.

00:37:30.000 There's so many of these movies where they culturally appropriate.

00:37:33.000 You're like, oh my god, you could never do that today.

00:37:36.000 Rob Schneider plays this really, really stereotypical Japanese guy. 0.97

00:37:41.000 He has Japanese eyes on. 0.80

00:37:43.000 They put makeup to change his eyes to look more like a Japanese guy. 1.00

00:37:47.000 He's got a crazy bowl haircut like Moe from the Three Stooges. 0.99

00:37:50.000 He's so racist. 0.97

00:37:52.000 You would never be able to do that today. 0.93

00:37:54.000 It's hilarious.

00:37:55.000 But it's like, why can't you do that today?

00:37:58.000 It's just a character. 0.98

00:37:59.000 It's supposed to be over the top and ridiculous. 0.94

00:38:02.000 It doesn't mean everyone in the race is horrible. 0.98

00:38:05.000 This is an individual that this guy chose to play.

00:38:08.000 But I don't think you could do it anymore.

00:38:10.000 You'd take too much heat.

00:38:12.000 You know what I was thinking about the other day?

00:38:13.000 I watched...

00:38:15.000 What was the show with that black woman in it? 1.00

00:38:21.000 Medea?

00:38:23.000 No, it's a TV series with a black woman who's a British actress.

00:38:30.000 She sang at the Oscars this year anyway.

00:38:32.000 What are you watching?

00:38:33.000 What kind of spare time do you have?

00:38:35.000 Do you watch a movie where there's an opera singer?

00:38:38.000 Is that what you said?

00:38:40.000 What kind of singing?

00:38:42.000 You know, like R&B, but the point is she's a British African.

00:38:48.000 What you say is there's African-American and there's British?

00:38:51.000 How do you say that?

00:38:53.000 I don't know.

00:38:54.000 But she was portraying an American woman, and you think, but is that cultural appropriation?

00:39:00.000 Because she's not an American black woman. 1.00

00:39:03.000 Interesting.

00:39:04.000 Ooh, that's a really interesting point.

00:39:06.000 It's like a British woman who's of African descent playing an African-American.

00:39:13.000 Yeah.

00:39:14.000 Yeah, that's a different thing.

00:39:15.000 But I think there's a loophole.

00:39:17.000 There's a cross-pollination loophole.

00:39:19.000 I think you're allowed to do that.

00:39:20.000 They both suffered.

00:39:22.000 Yeah, you're allowed to do that.

00:39:24.000 What you can't do is blackface. 0.99

00:39:26.000 You're just pretending you're a black person from another continent. 0.94

00:39:29.000 I mean, you were sold off to slavery, you know, in some European continent as well. 0.55

00:39:33.000 Cynthia Ervino?

00:39:34.000 Yeah, she played Harriet Tubman. 0.98

00:39:36.000 Yeah, Cynthia Erivo. 0.95

00:39:37.000 What was the TV show that she did that was so fucking good? 0.95

00:39:40.000 The Outsider. 0.98

00:39:41.000 Dude, she's incredible. 1.00

00:39:42.000 She's incredible.

00:39:43.000 She's so good in the outside.

00:39:45.000 She's incredible.

00:39:45.000 Because she plays an autistic person or someone on the spectrum, but she doesn't overplay it.

00:39:50.000 No, she nails it.

00:39:51.000 It's very hard to play that.

00:39:52.000 Not only that, she never breaks.

00:39:53.000 It's like super consistent the entire time.

00:39:57.000 And you've almost like...

00:39:59.000 I don't want to give away too much of that show because that show's really good.

00:40:01.000 It's called The Outsider.

00:40:03.000 It's an HBO series, a supernatural, scary, spooky series.

00:40:06.000 But she plays this savant character.

00:40:09.000 I don't want to give too much of it away because you really should see it. 0.98

00:40:11.000 It's pretty fucking incredible. 0.78

00:40:13.000 But the way she does it, you're thinking, oh, the way she thinks, she's probably thinking it this way. 0.97

00:40:21.000 You start thinking through her.

00:40:23.000 Right, right.

00:40:25.000 When you see the character navigate certain perils and bad situations, you're kind of seeing it like, oh, what is her response going to be to this?

00:40:33.000 Because you know that she's playing this character.

00:40:36.000 You're buying in.

00:40:37.000 She's got you fully sucked in. 0.98

00:40:39.000 You know how someone does that sometimes?

00:40:41.000 You're almost like you're thinking like they are on the screen. 0.99

00:40:44.000 That's why when they kick someone's ass, you get excited. 1.00

00:40:47.000 Because you almost feel like you're kicking that person's ass. 1.00

00:40:49.000 Yeah, there's a phrase for that in writing. 0.99

00:40:51.000 I think it's called the Eyes In or something like that.

00:40:56.000 That does happen, right? 0.97

00:40:58.000 There's movies where that, like thriller movies where that happens, where you don't know how someone's going to escape, if they're going to escape, if someone's waiting for them, some shit's about to go down. 0.97

00:41:07.000 You're like in that person's head. 0.97

00:41:09.000 Yeah.

00:41:10.000 In a lot of ways.

00:41:11.000 Right.

00:41:11.000 Silence of the Lambs.

00:41:12.000 Yes.

00:41:13.000 Oh, sure.

00:41:15.000 For sure.

00:41:15.000 That's a perfect example.

00:41:17.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:41:17.000 When it's dark out, when she can't see, and she's got the pistol and she's trying to figure out where the fuck this guy is. 0.99

00:41:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:41:24.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:41:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:41:26.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:41:28.000 Dude, the way they shot that where you're convinced that she's going to one place and then the FBI is going to another place, and you're convinced the FBI has got the killer. 0.99

00:41:41.000 And they've got their guns drawn, they storm the house, and in a quick cut, they go from them busting into the house...

00:41:50.000 The killer's not in there, to write back to her, and you suddenly realize, oh no, she's about to walk in on the killer. 0.96

00:41:57.000 That's one of the greatest fucking moments in movie history. 0.98

00:42:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:05.000 Dude, HBO's got a lot of good shit. 0.99

00:42:08.000 There's a series called My Brilliant Friend. 0.99

00:42:11.000 It's a series of Italian books this woman Elena Ferrante wrote.

00:42:15.000 They were really good.

00:42:16.000 There's like four or five of them.

00:42:18.000 And I read them all.

00:42:19.000 And then they made this series.

00:42:21.000 It's one of the few times where it's been as good as the books are.

00:42:24.000 And it's in Italian.

00:42:26.000 It's subtitled.

00:42:28.000 Which all sounds really fucking boring, but it's great. 0.92

00:42:32.000 Wow. 0.95

00:42:35.000 Yeah.

00:42:56.000 There's no acting community there.

00:42:58.000 Yeah, I think it's a dialect of Italian because my grandmother spoke it.

00:43:04.000 Oh, is that right?

00:43:04.000 Yeah, my grandmother spoke it.

00:43:06.000 Oh, so she was poor. 0.84

00:43:07.000 And they would speak it around the house, too, and they would explain to me that sometimes this is not regular Italian.

00:43:15.000 Some parts of my family knew it and some parts of my family did not know it, but it wasn't straightforward Italian. 0.98

00:43:22.000 There was some weird shit in there. 0.99

00:43:23.000 Right. 0.99

00:43:24.000 So she wanted it spoken in dialect.

00:43:26.000 So they hired... 1.00

00:43:29.000 They found actors from this fucking town. 1.00

00:43:32.000 And they are... 1.00

00:43:33.000 I'm telling you, the two lead actresses are... 1.00

00:43:36.000 They're going to win Emmys. 1.00

00:43:37.000 It's fucking... 0.99

00:43:38.000 They're brilliant. 1.00

00:43:38.000 Wow. 1.00

00:43:39.000 Yeah.

00:43:39.000 And they're just folks from the town.

00:43:40.000 Yeah.

00:43:41.000 Were they acting in their town?

00:43:43.000 Were they doing like community stuff?

00:43:43.000 I'm not sure.

00:43:44.000 I'm sure they did some acting.

00:43:46.000 Wow.

00:43:46.000 Because they have chops, but like...

00:43:47.000 Dude, imagine they didn't.

00:43:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:49.000 All actors would feel like shit. 0.99

00:43:50.000 I know. 1.00

00:43:51.000 I know. 1.00

00:43:52.000 Like, these people just stepped up to the plate from a bakery and knocked it out of the fucking park. 0.99

00:43:57.000 Well, that's what it was with a lot of, like... 0.99

00:43:59.000 I think Scorsese would...

00:44:01.000 He knew Italians from Little Italy, from where he grew up.

00:44:05.000 And he'd put some of these guys in his movies, and they were just... 0.99

00:44:08.000 Like, Pussy. 1.00

00:44:10.000 Big Pussy? 1.00

00:44:10.000 Big Pussy. 1.00

00:44:11.000 What's his name? 1.00

00:44:13.000 Joey Diaz? 0.99

00:44:14.000 No, what's the guy's name who played Big Pussy? 1.00

00:44:18.000 Goddammit. 0.99

00:44:18.000 He runs the comedy club in Vegas. 0.99

00:44:20.000 Does he really?

00:44:22.000 Am I thinking of the right guy?

00:44:23.000 You're making up Italians. 1.00

00:44:24.000 You're so racist. 1.00

00:44:27.000 This guy... 0.97

00:44:28.000 Yes.

00:44:30.000 Yeah.

00:44:33.000 Salvatore...

00:44:33.000 Oh, I'm thinking of the wrong guy.

00:44:35.000 It's not Big Pussy. 1.00

00:44:36.000 It's the other guy. 1.00

00:44:37.000 Played by Vincent Pastore.

00:44:38.000 Who's the guy that ran a comic?

00:44:40.000 That was his character.

00:44:41.000 So Vincent Pastore is the actor.

00:44:44.000 Sorry about that, Vincent.

00:44:45.000 The guy that ran...

00:44:46.000 He's amazing, by the way. 0.99

00:44:47.000 That guy's fucking incredible. 0.99

00:44:48.000 Steve? 0.99

00:44:49.000 Steve Sharippa, I'm thinking of. 0.99

00:44:51.000 Oh, you knucklehead. 0.94

00:44:51.000 Who hadn't done much acting. 0.94

00:44:52.000 He was doing that long before The Sopranos.

00:44:55.000 He was running the comedy club way, way, way back in the day.

00:44:58.000 And then, you know who got him on first?

00:45:00.000 Drew Carey. 1.00

00:45:00.000 Oh, no shit. 1.00

00:45:01.000 Yeah, Drew Carey hooked him up. 1.00

00:45:02.000 Yeah, so he never acted, comes in, and he's fucking brilliant. 0.99

00:45:06.000 Kills it. 0.99

00:45:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:45:07.000 Kills it. 1.00

00:45:08.000 I mean, literally has one of the biggest roles.

00:45:10.000 In the Sopranos.

00:45:12.000 And nails it. 0.88

00:45:13.000 And I'm telling you, I knew Steve Schrempa from back when he ran the Riviera in Vegas.

00:45:17.000 I love him to death.

00:45:18.000 He's got an amazing tomato sauce, by the way. 1.00

00:45:21.000 Oh, no shit. 0.99

00:45:21.000 An organic tomato sauce. 0.99

00:45:22.000 Pull up his Italian tomato sauce.

00:45:28.000 He's got marinara.

00:45:30.000 He's got arrabata sauce, that spicy sauce, like if you get lobster fra diavolo.

00:45:36.000 Yeah.

00:45:37.000 That's it right there.

00:45:37.000 Uncle Steve's.

00:45:38.000 Oh, look at that.

00:45:41.000 Arabiata.

00:45:41.000 I never know how to say that.

00:45:42.000 I only read it.

00:45:43.000 I never actually say that word.

00:45:45.000 Arabiata.

00:45:45.000 How do you say it?

00:45:46.000 Arabiata? 0.79

00:45:46.000 I don't know. 0.79

00:45:47.000 But whatever.

00:45:47.000 It's got marinara sauce.

00:45:49.000 It's tomato basil.

00:45:50.000 It's all organic too.

00:45:51.000 It's really good stuff.

00:45:52.000 Your grandmother still alive?

00:45:54.000 No.

00:45:55.000 No, my grandmother, dude, my grandmother had a stroke and they gave my grandfather, they said she's got about 72 hours to live.

00:46:03.000 She lived 12 years.

00:46:06.000 12 years after an aneurysm.

00:46:08.000 And he thought she had three weeks?

00:46:09.000 They did not think she was going to make it.

00:46:12.000 She made it for 12 years.

00:46:14.000 So the last 12 years of my grandmother's life, when I would go to visit her, she was immobile, in a bed, she couldn't remember me. 0.99

00:46:20.000 No shit! 0.99

00:46:21.000 Yeah, it was horrible, dude. 1.00

00:46:23.000 Do you think when your grandfather was told she had three weeks left, do you think he threw a move on her?

00:46:36.000 I lived with them when I first moved to New Jersey from Boston.

00:46:42.000 Oh, that's right.

00:46:43.000 When I left Boston for New York, I had zero money.

00:46:50.000 And so I just stayed with my grandparents in Newark.

00:46:51.000 And my grandmother was in that state at the time.

00:46:55.000 Where she was bedridden and...

00:46:57.000 Did they have help or was it just your grandfather taken care of?

00:47:00.000 They would have help.

00:47:01.000 They would have nurses would come over and help as well. 1.00

00:47:03.000 It was rough, man.

00:47:04.000 Wow.

00:47:05.000 It was a sobering reminder of the temporary nature of life.

00:47:10.000 Because I remember my grandmother when I was little.

00:47:11.000 She was always this powerful lady, this powerful force.

00:47:15.000 Yeah.

00:47:15.000 You know, she was always yelling at my grandfather, don't rush me.

00:47:18.000 Don't rush me, Joe!

00:47:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:47:19.000 My grandfather's name was Joe, too.

00:47:21.000 Don't rush me, Joe!

00:47:23.000 Get out of her way! 1.00

00:47:25.000 I've talked about her before, how crazy she was, in an amazing way.

00:47:29.000 But my grandmother had a monkey. 0.99

00:47:30.000 She had a monkey named Chi Chi. 1.00

00:47:31.000 No shit! 1.00

00:47:32.000 Yeah, Chi Chi. 1.00

00:47:33.000 Chi Chi used to open up gum, peel open gum, stick it in a smile and chew it. 0.94

00:47:37.000 But Chi Chi bit some folks. 1.00

00:47:38.000 They had to get rid of Chi Chi. 0.99

00:47:40.000 But Chi Chi lived in the attic, so when I would come over, they'd have to put Chi Chi away, because Chi Chi didn't like kids. 0.99

00:47:49.000 Oh, so you didn't get to play with the monkey?

00:47:50.000 Imagine being a kid and knowing there's a monkey in the house and you can't play with it?

00:47:54.000 Nobody could play with that monkey. 0.99

00:47:55.000 That must have been torture for you.

00:47:57.000 No, I was scared of that little thing.

00:47:59.000 That little thing, it bit somebody.

00:48:00.000 I can't remember if it bit my sister or my cousin.

00:48:03.000 I can't remember because we were real little at the time.

00:48:06.000 Yeah.

00:48:06.000 You know, probably like four or something like that.

00:48:08.000 I don't remember.

00:48:09.000 It bit somebody.

00:48:10.000 Chi-Chi bit somebody. 0.99

00:48:11.000 And then they had to put Chi-Chi away. 0.99

00:48:13.000 Oh, poor Chi-Chi. 1.00

00:48:15.000 I don't know what they did with him.

00:48:16.000 Hey, Chi-Chi, get in the attic and the kids are coming over. 1.00

00:48:19.000 She might have gave Chi-Chi away.

00:48:21.000 My grandmother was the real deal, though. 1.00

00:48:22.000 She made homemade pasta.

00:48:24.000 Oh, that's amazing.

00:48:25.000 The whole thing with dough to flour to sauce. 0.98

00:48:28.000 There was not a goddamn thing that was not made by her. 0.99

00:48:31.000 Wow. 0.99

00:48:32.000 She grew up in Italy?

00:48:33.000 Well, she was born in Italy, but mostly grew up in Italian neighborhoods in New Jersey.

00:48:38.000 Right.

00:48:40.000 And that's where they were living when I came to visit them. 0.92

00:48:44.000 And so people don't realize, like, you go to an Italian restaurant in LA, it's like, there's some really good ones, but it's just, you can go to a fucking, you go to Route 7 in New Jersey and find a little Angelina's fucking restaurant and it'll be the best Italian food you've ever had. 0.97

00:48:59.000 Yeah, you can get some ridiculous Italian-American food. 0.97

00:49:02.000 That's what's interesting. 0.85

00:49:03.000 It's like it's a different style of cooking even than Italian-Italian food.

00:49:07.000 Mm-hmm.

00:49:07.000 You know, and when you go to Italy, things are, it's just, a lot of the things we associate with Italian food, like the marinara sauce and the meatballs and that kind of stuff, that was more made popular over here.

00:49:21.000 Like that style of Italian food, like lasagnas and shit like that, that we consider like Italian food, a lot of that was like made popular over here.

00:49:28.000 When you go over there, things are more elegant.

00:49:30.000 You know, having like linguine with clams and it's a perfect presentation.

00:49:34.000 You're going to these nice restaurants and Even the pizza seems different over there.

00:49:38.000 But Italian-Americans, it was a different breed because it was the psychos that wanted to get on boats. 0.99

00:49:46.000 Same with Irish-Americans. 0.98

00:49:47.000 They're the people that were willing to get on a boat and drift across the ocean, man. 0.99

00:49:53.000 We don't want to go on a fucking cruise line right now. 0.99

00:49:56.000 You don't want to go on a cruise. 0.99

00:49:58.000 Imagine back then.

00:50:00.000 My grandfather was one of 13 kids.

00:50:03.000 12 of them came over one at a time. 1.00

00:50:06.000 The family lived in a fucking three-room hut. 0.99

00:50:09.000 And every time they somehow could get enough money together, they'd take one of the kids when they were like 14... 1.00

00:50:14.000 Put them on a boat in steerage, send them to America. 1.00

00:50:17.000 They had like fucking third cousins in Montana. 0.99

00:50:20.000 They had nothing. 1.00

00:50:22.000 They were coming into Ellis Island with nothing. 0.99

00:50:25.000 No like address, no fucking iPhone giving you directions on how to get out to Brooklyn. 0.97

00:50:30.000 And they just kept showing up one by one and they all made it. 0.98

00:50:34.000 Every one of them made it over here.

00:50:36.000 It's incredible.

00:50:38.000 It's insane.

00:50:39.000 When you think about how bad life must have sucked in Italy and in Ireland at the time, and in England as well, that people were willing to just hop on a boat and take a risk.

00:50:53.000 No video, no photographs.

00:50:55.000 You know that?

00:50:56.000 There's no photographs until like the late 1800s.

00:51:00.000 So a lot of these people, they're just guessing.

00:51:02.000 The people that came over here in the 1700s, the 1800s...

00:51:07.000 Just guessing.

00:51:08.000 Just guessing what's over there.

00:51:10.000 You got a drawing for me?

00:51:11.000 So I can risk my life and my baby?

00:51:13.000 Can you show me a drawing?

00:51:14.000 This is a mango forest.

00:51:16.000 All the mangoes you want.

00:51:18.000 Alright.

00:51:19.000 Get the baby. 0.69

00:51:20.000 Let's get on the boat. 1.00

00:51:23.000 Let's drift across the fucking ocean while we're drunk. 1.00

00:51:27.000 Let's kill a few people along the way. 1.00

00:51:28.000 Not knowing what diseases are going to be there when you get there. 1.00

00:51:31.000 Bro, they were all diseases.

00:51:33.000 Yeah.

00:51:33.000 You know, that was one of the things that Dr. Peter Hotez was on the podcast yesterday.

00:51:39.000 He was explaining quarantine, and he was saying that essentially when a boat would come into a harbor, the word quarantine came from 40 days.

00:51:46.000 They had to leave these people on the boat for 40 days to make sure they weren't infected with the plague.

00:51:53.000 So that's how they handled it back then.

00:51:55.000 Yeah.

00:51:56.000 Yeah, this is nothing new.

00:51:59.000 But back then, they didn't even know when the plagues were coming or what it was or how to avoid it or what are the symptoms.

00:52:05.000 There's no vaccines.

00:52:06.000 There was no vaccines. 1.00

00:52:07.000 Imagine no vaccines for fucking smallpox. 1.00

00:52:10.000 Imagine that. 1.00

00:52:12.000 Like, it's just going to storm through and disfigure everybody.

00:52:15.000 Sorry.

00:52:16.000 You know what they used to do is they would go around with a corpse of somebody that died from smallpox.

00:52:27.000 They would inject you with it, with some cells from the corpse.

00:52:34.000 They would go door to door with a wagon with a corpse in the back of it, and they would give you injections.

00:52:39.000 No.

00:52:39.000 Yeah.

00:52:40.000 How many people did that give smallpox to?

00:52:42.000 I don't know, but I guess if you give a small amount, they realized that it worked as a vaccine if you gave a very small amount.

00:52:50.000 Really?

00:52:50.000 Yeah.

00:52:52.000 Was that effective?

00:52:54.000 I imagine some people died from it if it wasn't done right.

00:52:57.000 We have to figure that out.

00:52:58.000 That's fascinating.

00:53:00.000 See if you can find...

00:53:01.000 Jamie's the fastest one-handed Googler on planet Earth.

00:53:06.000 We're not going to say what he does with his other hand.

00:53:08.000 He's a wizard. 1.00

00:53:09.000 He's jerking off in the tub. 0.97

00:53:11.000 So this would be, I typed in injections with corpses, nothing quite came up right away, like on wagons, you said, or something like that? 0.96

00:53:18.000 Yeah, I remember watching, HBO did this special about John Adams in Boston, and there was a scene from it where they were going through town with a wagon with a corpse in it, shooting people.

00:53:30.000 When was the first vaccine?

00:53:35.000 When was that?

00:53:38.000 I don't know.

00:53:38.000 If you had to guess.

00:53:41.000 Like, what was the polio vaccine?

00:53:42.000 What year was that?

00:53:44.000 That's not the first one, but that's the most.

00:53:46.000 Like, who knows a guy who made a vaccine more than anyone knows Jonas Salk?

00:53:50.000 Smallpox was the first one.

00:53:52.000 Yeah.

00:53:53.000 Really?

00:53:53.000 First vaccine.

00:53:54.000 And what year was it?

00:53:56.000 1796. Holy shit! 1.00

00:53:58.000 They had a vaccine in 1796? 0.99

00:54:00.000 So that must be exactly what it was.

00:54:03.000 Yeah.

00:54:05.000 What did they know in 1796?

00:54:08.000 Dude, you imagine getting your leg broken back then? 1.00

00:54:10.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:54:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:54:12.000 The odds that you had a doctor that knew what the fuck they were doing. 0.95

00:54:16.000 There was no good medical schools in 1796. Like, you read about guys getting their medical degrees in like a year. 0.92

00:54:23.000 You know, it's always like John Hancock.

00:54:26.000 Yeah, he had a medical degree, he had a law degree, all by the time he was 21 years old.

00:54:33.000 What do you think? 1.00

00:54:33.000 My lawyer sucks! 1.00

00:54:35.000 What do you do if they're bleeding? 1.00

00:54:36.000 Try to stop the blood from all leaking out.

00:54:42.000 Get a rag.

00:54:43.000 Dude, whenever I think about old school doctors, I think about the scene in The Wolfman with Benicio Del Toro, where they were running exams on him in one of those medical theaters.

00:54:54.000 Yeah.

00:54:55.000 You know, they used to have medical theaters where people would sit in the stands and look down and watch people perform operations.

00:55:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:02.000 So students could just sit there.

00:55:03.000 People could just sit there and watch.

00:55:04.000 It was like a theater.

00:55:05.000 Right.

00:55:06.000 Coughing. 0.99

00:55:07.000 How fucking weird is that? 0.99

00:55:09.000 Right. 0.98

00:55:10.000 I mean, in the Wolfman movie, that's when Benicio Del Toro becomes the Wolfman in front of all these people.

00:55:15.000 They got them all strapped in.

00:55:17.000 But the people that are in that audience, they're just gawkers.

00:55:21.000 Yeah.

00:55:22.000 Just sitting there watching.

00:55:23.000 Some guy saw some dude's leg off. 0.99

00:55:28.000 They've got them biting down on leather and shit. 1.00

00:55:31.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:55:32.000 What would you pay to do that, though? 1.00

00:55:34.000 Sit in that audience.

00:55:35.000 Jesus Christ.

00:55:36.000 I don't want to see that.

00:55:37.000 You'd be so freaked out.

00:55:39.000 But, I mean, people go to see horror movies.

00:55:41.000 They want to get freaked out.

00:55:42.000 Yeah, but that's not real.

00:55:43.000 I know.

00:55:43.000 Part of what's fun about horror movies is it's not real violence.

00:55:50.000 Yeah.

00:55:52.000 I had a conversation about that with Hugo Martin.

00:55:57.000 He's the creative director for Doom, which is Doom Eternal.

00:56:01.000 It's a new video game.

00:56:03.000 And in the video game, Doom Eternal, first of all, looks insane.

00:56:08.000 It looks so good.

00:56:08.000 But the gore is so over the top.

00:56:12.000 Like you're ripping people's heads off and blood spraying.

00:56:15.000 They're all like zombie people. 0.87

00:56:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:56:17.000 You're like cutting them in half with a chainsaw, like crazy shit, blowing them up. 1.00

00:56:21.000 And he was like, because it's so, so over the top. 1.00

00:56:24.000 It's cartoonish.

00:56:26.000 Yeah.

00:56:26.000 It's less disturbing than like if it was more realistic.

00:56:31.000 Right, right, right.

00:56:32.000 Okay.

00:56:33.000 I was like arguing it a little bit, but I've been thinking about it a lot, like whether or not that makes any sense.

00:56:38.000 Like it's one of those thoughts that's stuck in my head.

00:56:40.000 Yeah, it's like Tarantino movies.

00:56:42.000 Like, you know, in that scene where they have that sword fight in that Chinese restaurant.

00:56:46.000 Which one's Kill Bill?

00:56:47.000 In Kill Bill. 0.99

00:56:49.000 And Uma Thurman is just fucking slaying. 1.00

00:56:52.000 And there's like four inches of blood on the floor when she's done. 0.99

00:56:55.000 That's right.

00:56:56.000 Because it's a comic book.

00:56:57.000 So it doesn't...

00:56:58.000 After a while, you're kind of laughing.

00:57:00.000 Yeah.

00:57:00.000 Dude, his movies are so hyper-violent.

00:57:03.000 Yeah.

00:57:03.000 I forgot when we were talking recently about Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, the scene in the end when people are just getting smashed.

00:57:11.000 Yeah.

00:57:11.000 It's like, whoa!

00:57:13.000 You forgot.

00:57:14.000 You forgot some of the scenes that that guy's put in movies.

00:57:17.000 Right.

00:57:19.000 But is that less disturbing somehow than something that's like more realistic violence?

00:57:24.000 I don't know.

00:57:24.000 Like, is that more disturbing, here's a perfect example, than Silence of the Lambs.

00:57:28.000 The Silence of the Lambs, that scene with Jodie Foster in the end was so realistic.

00:57:32.000 Yeah.

00:57:32.000 Like, you really felt trapped with her.

00:57:34.000 Like, fuck. 1.00

00:57:36.000 But did you feel like that when you're watching Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? 1.00

00:57:40.000 No, you're watching Spectacle.

00:57:42.000 You enjoyed it.

00:57:43.000 It was great.

00:57:44.000 It was a great movie.

00:57:45.000 But it was like Spectacle more than I have genuine anxiety because I'm worried what's going to happen to her.

00:57:51.000 Right.

00:57:52.000 Yeah, there's a movie called Wait Until Dark that was made back in the 60s.

00:57:56.000 And it was no violence.

00:57:58.000 Nobody gets even slapped in the face.

00:58:00.000 And it's the scariest movie you've ever watched in your life.

00:58:02.000 Really?

00:58:02.000 It's about this blind woman, and she's going through customs, and somebody like sticks heroin in her luggage, so she brings it home, and now they've got to go and get the heroin from her.

00:58:17.000 And so she's blind and she lives alone, and so they sneak into her apartment, and it's all about her trying to defend herself.

00:58:25.000 And so she... 0.97

00:58:28.000 Turns off all her, she smashes all her light bulbs, so she's on even footing with them.

00:58:32.000 So they're trying to find her in the dark. 0.98

00:58:34.000 And it's like, it's fucking amazing. 0.96

00:58:37.000 If you're looking for it, wait until dark. 0.99

00:58:40.000 Ooh.

00:58:42.000 Yeah.

00:58:42.000 I couldn't find verbiage of it, but I actually found the scene from the John Adams thing, where they're showing...

00:58:50.000 I guess this would be an interpretation of what inoculation was like.

00:58:56.000 Whoa.

00:58:57.000 They're carrying around on some wagon.

00:58:59.000 Oh, it's not a corpse.

00:59:01.000 He's still alive.

00:59:02.000 So they scrape some pus off of him, and then they inject it into people.

00:59:07.000 Jesus Christ, Jamie.

00:59:09.000 He cuts a little hole in her arm. 0.93

00:59:11.000 Oh my god!

00:59:15.000 For those that want to watch this on YouTube, I'm not showing this, just look up Smallpox Anoculation, John Adams, HBO, you'll find it. 0.99

00:59:21.000 Wow, that is goddamn crazy.

00:59:24.000 You know, that's interesting that that's how they used to do it, because was it the polio vaccine? 0.99

00:59:31.000 It was one of the vaccines where you got a big scar from it.

00:59:34.000 I actually have a scar.

00:59:36.000 Oh, is it round?

00:59:37.000 On my left shoulder.

00:59:38.000 It's like a sort of a slice. 0.99

00:59:40.000 Oh, no shit. 1.00

00:59:40.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:59:41.000 I had it from the time I was a baby.

00:59:45.000 I guess I might have one too.

00:59:47.000 I don't know.

00:59:48.000 Yeah, that's what it looked like.

00:59:49.000 Yeah, like a little slice. 0.99

00:59:51.000 Damn. 1.00

00:59:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:59:52.000 That was from a vaccine that I got when I guess I was a baby.

00:59:55.000 I think it was a polio vaccine.

00:59:56.000 Or was it smallpox?

00:59:57.000 Was that a smallpox?

00:59:59.000 I typed in polio, but...

01:00:01.000 Whatever it was. 0.99

01:00:03.000 Soon we're all going to have, hopefully we're going to have a mark from a fucking coronavirus vaccine. 0.99

01:00:09.000 They say a year to a year and a half. 0.99

01:00:11.000 Yeah.

01:00:12.000 Stop.

01:00:13.000 Yeah.

01:00:15.000 Whatever is stopping people from funding medical research, I hope they open up the floodgates now.

01:00:20.000 Yeah, right. 0.98

01:00:21.000 I hope they realize, like, hey, you need more of these guys, and they need a lot more money, and they need to be way ahead of this shit. 0.99

01:00:27.000 Well, yeah, because this is one pandemic. 0.99

01:00:30.000 There are multiple different scenarios of how this happens again.

01:00:35.000 Sure.

01:00:36.000 Well, there was another guy that died recently on a bus that they identified as having a completely different coronavirus in China, but he got a virus that specifically hasn't jumped from human to human.

01:00:47.000 It's only jumped from rats to humans.

01:00:49.000 And the way it jumps from rats to humans is by ingesting animal feces or animal urine.

01:00:55.000 Yeah.

01:00:55.000 You know, animal fluids.

01:00:57.000 Right.

01:00:57.000 So this guy somehow or another got some live bat fluid in his body and was dying on this bus.

01:01:05.000 And they pulled the guy off and he tests positive for a totally different coronavirus that's killing him.

01:01:11.000 What do you think would happen? 0.99

01:01:14.000 Like imagine some guy gets corona and he's got it fucking bad. 0.98

01:01:18.000 Systems are shutting down. 0.98

01:01:20.000 This is it. 0.93

01:01:21.000 He's gonna die. 0.99

01:01:23.000 And he wants to have sex again, but he doesn't want to get anybody sick. 0.99

01:01:26.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:01:27.000 So he fucks his dog. 1.00

01:01:29.000 Oh my God. 1.00

01:01:30.000 And then, like, all the symptoms go away.

01:01:32.000 And he realizes, like, he's found the cure.

01:01:35.000 And now he has this moral obligation.

01:01:37.000 Like, does he call the CDC and say, hey, I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you guys this, but I think I cracked it.

01:01:44.000 And what if it's only his dog? 1.00

01:01:46.000 What if everybody has to come to his house and fuck his dog? 1.00

01:01:48.000 We tried fucking a bunch of different dogs. 1.00

01:01:52.000 There's no way to recreate this thing unless we fuck Marty. 1.00

01:01:55.000 Marty? 1.00

01:01:56.000 But I fuck Marty. 1.00

01:01:57.000 No, we're all gonna have to fuck Marty. 1.00

01:02:00.000 There's a train of people every day outside of Marty's house. 1.00

01:02:03.000 You're trying to breed Marty so he can fuck the puppies? 1.00

01:02:06.000 They're trying to do calculations on how many pumps it takes to cure you. 1.00

01:02:12.000 You can't let people pump too many times because poor Marty needs a break. 1.00

01:02:16.000 Does it help if he blows you, put peanut butter in my dick, see what happens? 1.00

01:02:19.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:02:20.000 Everybody's like, the pounds are empty.

01:02:23.000 Everybody's adopting dogs. 1.00

01:02:25.000 Fucking dogs. 1.00

01:02:27.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:02:29.000 Look, biology is so weird, man.

01:02:31.000 That wouldn't even be that shocking. 1.00

01:02:33.000 That's the way a disease gets cured, you have to fuck an animal. 1.00

01:02:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:38.000 How's it any weirder than some of the shit that's real? 1.00

01:02:41.000 How's it any weirder than some of these parasites that... 1.00

01:02:44.000 Have you ever seen those videos of frogs that have the parasites in their eyeballs, and they're swimming around their eyeballs? 1.00

01:02:49.000 Oh, no shit. 1.00

01:02:49.000 It's so creepy, man. 1.00

01:02:51.000 Really? 0.99

01:02:51.000 Yeah, they're getting eaten from the inside out by these parasites that are in their eyeballs. 0.99

01:02:56.000 This poor frog is sitting there, and these worms are squirreling all around, like visibly under its eyeballs.

01:03:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:03:04.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:03:05.000 Dude, my brother-in-law, he's a cinematographer. 1.00

01:03:08.000 He shoots nature stuff, so he goes deep into the Amazon.

01:03:12.000 He shot the first live, I want to say, rhino or hippopotamus birth ever filmed.

01:03:20.000 Look at that poor frog. 1.00

01:03:22.000 Holy shit! 1.00

01:03:25.000 Dude, nature doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:03:28.000 Nature is just going to war 24-7, finding new ways to fuck up animals, testing their systems. 1.00

01:03:34.000 Damn. 1.00

01:03:35.000 Breaking through and establishing dominance inside this poor fucking creature's eyeball. 1.00

01:03:41.000 Wow. 1.00

01:03:42.000 Bro.

01:03:42.000 Shut that down, Jamie.

01:03:43.000 Please.

01:03:44.000 So my brother-in-law was in the Amazon.

01:03:46.000 He was shooting, I think it was the first live hippo or rhino birth.

01:03:51.000 And he comes back and he's visiting us out in California.

01:03:53.000 And he's got this bump on his arm.

01:03:56.000 And it's got a red line running up his arm, which means there's some kind of a bad infection.

01:04:02.000 Right.

01:04:02.000 So they shoot him up full of antibiotics.

01:04:04.000 They say, you'll be fine.

01:04:05.000 So...

01:04:07.000 He's driving up the PCH, going up to Malibu with his family, and he's poking at it.

01:04:12.000 He's trying to pop it like a zit. 0.99

01:04:14.000 And all of a sudden, the thing just fucking explodes. 0.99

01:04:18.000 And this being, this creature, fucking flies out of him and lands on the floor of the car and is looking around, this little creature. 0.99

01:04:30.000 And the kids are fucking going, ah! 0.99

01:04:33.000 And he's like, it fucking jumped out of me! 0.99

01:04:36.000 And they're freaking out, and they brought it to the tropical disease specialist. 0.99

01:04:40.000 He went to the hospital and said, what the fuck is this? 0.98

01:04:43.000 They sent it to the tropical disease specialist, and they found out it was a batfly larva. 0.99

01:04:50.000 Oh, batfly.

01:04:51.000 Yeah, batflies are disgusting. 0.61

01:04:55.000 He uses you as a host. 0.95

01:04:56.000 Don't turn that on, baby.

01:04:58.000 Come on, play that. 0.94

01:04:59.000 Look at that super zit.

01:05:01.000 There's a crazy Netflix documentary on rats that has a rat that's infected with a bot fly, and it's like, you know, 20% of its neck.

01:05:10.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:05:11.000 The thing is this enormous, huge fucking, oh god, they're extracting it. 0.99

01:05:16.000 Whoa, look at that. 0.99

01:05:18.000 Yeah, and it's got a little head.

01:05:20.000 How weird, man. 1.00

01:05:21.000 That little fucker was living inside that guy's body. 1.00

01:05:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:05:25.000 Ugh.

01:05:27.000 And so they come out.

01:05:29.000 So look at that, man.

01:05:31.000 Well, that thing can't look around, though. 0.94

01:05:34.000 It flies out?

01:05:35.000 Doesn't it just come out as a larva?

01:05:37.000 Like that?

01:05:38.000 Maybe it's because he was squeezing it.

01:05:40.000 That it flew away?

01:05:41.000 But it shot out.

01:05:43.000 When does it become a bot fly?

01:05:46.000 Like it's a larva.

01:05:47.000 So it looks like it buries itself into the ground and then becomes...

01:05:53.000 Come on, man.

01:05:54.000 How's that any different than a monster?

01:05:56.000 Right.

01:05:56.000 Look at that.

01:05:57.000 It's just little.

01:05:58.000 It's a monster.

01:05:59.000 The whole insect world is the scariest horror movie that's ever existed.

01:06:03.000 The scariest monster movie ever is the whole insect world.

01:06:07.000 We are so lucky that spiders, black widows, and tarantulas, we're so lucky that they're little.

01:06:16.000 So lucky.

01:06:18.000 Until the radiation starts.

01:06:20.000 Dude, we would have no chance.

01:06:22.000 Yeah.

01:06:22.000 Can you imagine if praying mantises were the size of horses?

01:06:26.000 Just running around snatching people out of their Priuses?

01:06:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:30.000 Tipping over the fucking car and pulling the people out of the back seats? 0.99

01:06:35.000 We'd all be armed. 1.00

01:06:36.000 You'd have all kinds of firearms on you all the time.

01:06:39.000 You'd have to have a really high-caliber rifle to penetrate the exterior shell of a praying mantis if it was at scale.

01:06:47.000 And you probably wouldn't even hurt it that much.

01:06:49.000 Oh, they're extracting it.

01:06:50.000 Look at this.

01:06:52.000 Yo! 1.00

01:06:53.000 And look how they have to do it kind of slowly.

01:06:55.000 They have to slowly ease it out.

01:06:57.000 Oh, my God.

01:06:58.000 Look at the size of that thing that's in this person's calf.

01:07:04.000 That's the thing about being in the jungle. 1.00

01:07:07.000 Forget about the fucking tigers and the panthers. 0.99

01:07:11.000 How about the botflies? 1.00

01:07:14.000 Look how big this is. 1.00

01:07:16.000 Damn! 1.00

01:07:18.000 Oh my god, dude. 1.00

01:07:20.000 Look how big that is.

01:07:21.000 I'm nauseous.

01:07:22.000 I just got nauseous. 1.00

01:07:23.000 Look at that dirty hippie that's getting this treatment. 1.00

01:07:26.000 They have those wrist bracelets. 0.99

01:07:29.000 He's pulling out a second one.

01:07:31.000 No.

01:07:32.000 Look at the bracelets.

01:07:33.000 Oh, there is.

01:07:35.000 You almost deserve a botfly if you wear those bracelets.

01:07:39.000 Look at that.

01:07:40.000 Here's the second botfly.

01:07:42.000 I'm good on that.

01:07:42.000 Oh my god, there's more than one botfly.

01:07:44.000 Jesus Christ, look at the size of this fucking thing. 0.99

01:07:47.000 Look at the size! 1.00

01:07:49.000 This is the second one in this hole.

01:07:50.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:07:52.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

01:07:54.000 That's so insane. 1.00

01:07:57.000 That's so insane.

01:08:00.000 Wow. 0.95

01:08:02.000 That's gross.

01:08:05.000 When I was a teenager, we used to go to this golf course and we would look for golf balls in the woods and then we would sell them back to the pro shop for like 50 cents a ball. 0.97

01:08:15.000 And then we realized like the ponds, everybody was hitting their fucking balls into the lakes and the ponds and so we would go We'd go in bathing suits and you would step and it would go like up to your knees in silt, just mud. 0.84

01:08:28.000 And you would feel around with your feet for the balls and you'd reach down and pull them up and you could get dozens of balls just walking around. 0.99

01:08:36.000 And then we'd get out and we'd have fucking leeches all over our calves. 1.00

01:08:41.000 And we would just take alcohol, put it on and yank them off. 1.00

01:08:45.000 And you're a teenager, you don't give a shit. 1.00

01:08:48.000 Just fucking no problem. 1.00

01:08:52.000 You ever get a leech? 0.99

01:08:53.000 No.

01:08:54.000 No, I've been lucky.

01:08:56.000 I've never been bit by a dangerous snake.

01:08:59.000 I've had some spider bites, but never by like a black widow or anything like that.

01:09:03.000 Yeah.

01:09:04.000 I've seen a lot of snakes though, man.

01:09:07.000 Rattlesnakes are freaky.

01:09:08.000 Brendan Schaub just found one on a hike. 1.00

01:09:10.000 He sent me a picture and a video of this fucking thing. 0.99

01:09:13.000 Oh yeah? 1.00

01:09:14.000 Huge rattlesnake on a hike.

01:09:16.000 Wow.

01:09:16.000 I was like, what?

01:09:17.000 What is that, man?

01:09:19.000 Yeah. 0.63

01:09:19.000 Look at that thing that's just hanging around that can kill you. 0.63

01:09:22.000 Yeah.

01:09:23.000 Or how about the big ones now in the Florida Everglades?

01:09:26.000 Pythons. 0.99

01:09:27.000 This is how dumb we are in California. 1.00

01:09:29.000 Those things... 0.99

01:09:31.000 Pythons are valuable.

01:09:33.000 They're an invasive species that's destroying.

01:09:35.000 You want to talk about the destruction of an ecosystem.

01:09:38.000 The way pythons have decimated life in the Everglades is kind of like a little bit of an open secret.

01:09:45.000 All the biologists are aware of it.

01:09:47.000 They've done these studies on deer and all these different mammals and all these different things, and the populations are Ridiculously reduced.

01:09:55.000 Almost down to nothing.

01:09:57.000 You don't find raccoons anymore.

01:09:59.000 You don't find a lot of the animals they used to find in the Everglades anymore.

01:10:02.000 And they also eat alligators.

01:10:05.000 So what do we do in California?

01:10:07.000 You can't buy Python because Python It is an exotic species.

01:10:12.000 We don't want to encourage people to use that as a skin. 0.99

01:10:15.000 That is a deer and raccoon and squirrel-eating demon from another continent.

01:10:22.000 And it lives in Florida. 1.00

01:10:23.000 And if you made it valuable, you fucking knuckleheads, people would go in there and kill those fucking things and bring the natural ecosystem back into balance. 1.00

01:10:31.000 Why aren't they killing them? 1.00

01:10:32.000 Because they're assholes. 1.00

01:10:34.000 First of all, because you can't even sell them in California. 1.00

01:10:38.000 Two, because it's hard.

01:10:39.000 It should be valuable.

01:10:41.000 They should be valuable.

01:10:42.000 It should be something that we... 1.00

01:10:43.000 Look, if you leave them there, you're saying, fuck all these other animals. 1.00

01:10:48.000 Let's let this demon snake that's supposed to exist on another continent and has no natural enemies here. 1.00

01:10:53.000 Let's let that thing just wander through the fucking swamps and kill everything in its path. 1.00

01:10:58.000 Let's just do that. 1.00

01:10:59.000 Or sell it!

01:11:00.000 But I'm not a hunter, but I would think if you're a hunter, wouldn't it feel noble to actually go and help the Everglades?

01:11:09.000 It's dangerous, though.

01:11:11.000 That's dangerous.

01:11:12.000 Like, that's not just regular hunting.

01:11:13.000 You're hunting monsters.

01:11:15.000 You know, you're in alligator country. 0.99

01:11:17.000 Yeah.

01:11:17.000 One of my favorite alligator stories is a guy was running from the cops.

01:11:20.000 He had a stolen car, parked the car.

01:11:22.000 He sees a stolen car or a high-speed chase, whatever it was.

01:11:25.000 Parks the car on a bridge, jumps in the water, immediately gets eaten by an alligator.

01:11:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:30.000 He jumped in the water right on a fucking alligator. 0.99

01:11:34.000 And the alligator just jacked him. 1.00

01:11:36.000 He thought he was going to be a badass and jump in and swim to safety. 0.99

01:11:39.000 This fucking 16-footer just... 1.00

01:11:41.000 Damn. 1.00

01:11:43.000 Dude, file that under... 0.99

01:11:44.000 There's a Twitter account called Florida Man.

01:11:46.000 It's amazing! 0.97

01:11:48.000 Isn't it fucking great? 0.98

01:11:49.000 That's a Florida man story right there. 0.99

01:11:51.000 It is a Florida man story.

01:11:53.000 Dude, they're real.

01:11:56.000 When I was a kid, hunters put the squeeze on 80 snakes in Florida's python bowl.

01:12:01.000 Oh, they got a python bowl?

01:12:03.000 In January, it says 750 people from 20 states turned up.

01:12:08.000 Wow.

01:12:08.000 They only got 80 of them in 10 days, but...

01:12:11.000 Ten days, they only caught 80 of them.

01:12:12.000 So one in ten guys in ten days.

01:12:14.000 Yeah, but look at the size of these things that they're killing, man. 0.99

01:12:16.000 Look at the fucking size of them. 0.99

01:12:18.000 They're enormous. 0.99

01:12:19.000 And those things are in...

01:12:20.000 I don't even know if they're killing them.

01:12:22.000 It looks like they still have them alive.

01:12:23.000 But these things are...

01:12:25.000 They're eating everything they can find, and they have no natural enemies.

01:12:29.000 And they're just spreading through that ecosystem.

01:12:32.000 The idea that that should be illegal to make a purse out of, but you can...

01:12:38.000 Can you make a purse out of a cow? 1.00

01:12:39.000 Like, why is that?

01:12:41.000 How come?

01:12:42.000 What's going on there?

01:12:43.000 Why do you think that that is more valuable than a cow?

01:12:48.000 And it's beautiful.

01:12:49.000 It is beautiful.

01:12:50.000 But this is an invasive species. 0.99

01:12:52.000 You're supposed to be killing them. 0.99

01:12:53.000 You have to put, like a human, put that thing there. 1.00

01:12:57.000 It's not supposed to be there.

01:12:58.000 And humans have to extract it because it's destroying everything.

01:13:01.000 That has crazy consequences that they never know 10, 20 years down the line what it's going to be like after these pythons just completely ruin that entire part of the country.

01:13:10.000 What are they going to do?

01:13:11.000 Those are people eaters. 0.58

01:13:13.000 They can eat people.

01:13:14.000 Oh, yeah.

01:13:15.000 Definitely kids.

01:13:16.000 They get so big, man.

01:13:18.000 You see that picture of the one that had the alligator that it was eating that it ripped through its body?

01:13:24.000 Yeah.

01:13:24.000 Just imagine what kind of a thing eats an alligator and eats it all in one piece.

01:13:29.000 Right.

01:13:30.000 And now imagine that someone says, you shouldn't kill those to make purses out of them. 0.95

01:13:35.000 Yeah, actually you should. 1.00

01:13:37.000 They're monsters. 1.00

01:13:37.000 You should kill them. 1.00

01:13:38.000 Those are monsters. 1.00

01:13:40.000 Well, you shouldn't kill all of them, but they don't belong here. 0.98

01:13:42.000 Killing rattlesnakes is a terrible idea, because rattlesnakes have a really important place in the ecosystem. 0.85

01:13:48.000 You should only kill a rattlesnake if it's on your property, if it's threatening you, and if you feel like you need to defend yourself. 0.88

01:13:54.000 But going out into the woods where the rattlesnakes live, look at this thing.

01:13:58.000 Oh my god.

01:14:00.000 We're watching a python eating an alligator. 0.99

01:14:03.000 It's fucking bananas. 0.99

01:14:04.000 It just dislocates its jaw, and this thing is still alive. 1.00

01:14:08.000 So this poor little alligator is trying to figure out what the fuck is happening, and it's breathing, and this python is slowly swallowing it whole. 0.98

01:14:18.000 Now imagine what it would do to your little Timmy. 0.99

01:14:22.000 Yep.

01:14:23.000 Imagine if that thing trapped your son, if your son was out there fishing, And all his friends ran away because they were terrified because a 20-foot-long snake is eating their friend.

01:14:35.000 Well, we better not make a bag out of it.

01:14:38.000 We better not, because pythons are beautiful and we're not speciesists.

01:14:45.000 Look at it's eating the back feet. 1.00

01:14:47.000 It's all the way down to the back feet just stuffing it into its mouth. 0.97

01:14:51.000 That's the top three worst way to die. 0.99

01:14:53.000 Bro, you're still alive for a long ass time. 0.98

01:14:55.000 You get digested. 0.98

01:14:56.000 You just get smothered and digested. 1.00

01:15:00.000 Fuck all that. 1.00

01:15:01.000 They've eaten people, right? 1.00

01:15:03.000 Oh yes!

01:15:04.000 Look at the teeth!

01:15:04.000 Look at the teeth, man!

01:15:06.000 Look at those bottom teeth! 1.00

01:15:07.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:15:09.000 Look at those things. 1.00

01:15:10.000 Imagine that. 1.00

01:15:11.000 Biting you and pulling you leg first into its fucking mouth. 1.00

01:15:16.000 Damn. 1.00

01:15:17.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:15:19.000 We better not turn them into wallets, because that's just wrong. 0.99

01:15:24.000 You should 100% turn them into wallets.

01:15:27.000 100%. 1.00

01:15:27.000 Not only that, you're going to have to kill them. 1.00

01:15:29.000 If you don't turn them into wallets, what are you going to do with the skin? 1.00

01:15:32.000 Because you've got to kill them. 0.99

01:15:33.000 And at least the wallets are worth something. 1.00

01:15:36.000 At least the clothing is worth something.

01:15:37.000 At least let people make things out of their skin.

01:15:40.000 Don't let their whole body go to waste just for your ideology.

01:15:42.000 That's a thing, but it's a thing that's not supposed to be there.

01:15:45.000 And that's why it's destroying everything.

01:15:47.000 I wonder if the meat's any good.

01:15:48.000 A giant python swallowed an Indonesian woman.

01:15:52.000 Yeah.

01:15:52.000 They are small, though.

01:15:53.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:15:55.000 Swallowed her. 1.00

01:15:56.000 No picture, but...

01:15:57.000 Bro, swallowed her.

01:15:58.000 What happened to the woman?

01:16:00.000 She was 54 years old.

01:16:01.000 She went missing last Thursday while checking on her vegetable garden on Muna Island in Sulawesi province.

01:16:09.000 A huge search was mounted by local police.

01:16:12.000 Her sandals and machete were found a day later.

01:16:15.000 A giant python with a bloated belly was lying about 30 meters away.

01:16:20.000 Residents were suspicious that the snake swallowed the victim so they killed it.

01:16:23.000 They carried it out of the garden.

01:16:25.000 Gruesome footage has been circulating on social media in Indonesia showing the woman's body being recovered intact in front of a large crowd. 1.00

01:16:32.000 Fuck that. 0.99

01:16:33.000 And people are like, well, they shouldn't be made into shoes. 1.00

01:16:37.000 Yeah, you should make them into shoes.

01:16:39.000 That's what you're supposed to do when they eat people. 1.00

01:16:41.000 You fucking idiots. 1.00

01:16:43.000 Is it just California that made it illegal? 1.00

01:16:46.000 I don't know.

01:16:47.000 There's certain companies that are reacting to this push against what they call exotics, like crocodile and alligator and python, things like that.

01:16:59.000 And so certain companies are no longer making things with exotics to sort of bend to political pressure or pressure by, you know, air quotes, activists.

01:17:09.000 Yeah.

01:17:10.000 But really, it's monster skin.

01:17:11.000 Okay?

01:17:12.000 You got monster skin.

01:17:13.000 Let's make monster skin close. 1.00

01:17:14.000 Cut the shit. 1.00

01:17:15.000 Alright? 1.00

01:17:16.000 I'm not saying you should kill them all. 0.99

01:17:17.000 You definitely shouldn't kill them all. 1.00

01:17:18.000 But the idea you shouldn't kill most of the fucking snakes that are invasive species in Florida and sell them and make purses out of them, why? 1.00

01:17:26.000 Dude, how bad would a python jacket be? 0.99

01:17:28.000 Yeah.

01:17:29.000 With a nice big collar.

01:17:31.000 Yeah.

01:17:31.000 I bet you can get one.

01:17:32.000 Probably have to go to Bali or some shit. 0.99

01:17:35.000 You gotta go somewhere sneaky. 0.99

01:17:36.000 Yeah.

01:17:37.000 You'd be the king.

01:17:39.000 Walk on stage.

01:17:40.000 Python.

01:17:41.000 Everything.

01:17:42.000 Everything.

01:17:42.000 Python shoes.

01:17:43.000 Python pants.

01:17:45.000 Gloves. 0.96

01:17:46.000 You look like a pimp from the 70s.

01:17:49.000 Gators.

01:17:50.000 That's what dudes that wanted really fancy shoes.

01:17:54.000 They wanted gators.

01:17:56.000 They wanted alligator skin shoes.

01:17:58.000 If you wanted a real nice pair of shoes that lets people know you're stepping out on the town.

01:18:03.000 Look at these gators, son.

01:18:05.000 That was a big thing. 1.00

01:18:08.000 Fucking guineas. 1.00

01:18:09.000 We always talk about their gators. 1.00

01:18:10.000 Because they're dangerous.

01:18:11.000 Meanwhile, I'm walking around with a cow.

01:18:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:18:14.000 The fucking easiest animal to kill. 1.00

01:18:16.000 So easy. 1.00

01:18:16.000 They stand there. 1.00

01:18:17.000 Made them to kill. 0.99

01:18:18.000 Turned them into something.

01:18:20.000 Do you know they go feral too?

01:18:22.000 When they go feral, they become a completely different thing.

01:18:24.000 Oh yeah?

01:18:25.000 Yeah!

01:18:26.000 They go feral all throughout Australia.

01:18:29.000 And there's other places they go feral too, but they call them scrub bulls.

01:18:33.000 And think about how aggressive bulls are, right? 0.97

01:18:37.000 That's why it's fun to ride them when people like to grab ahold of them because they're just fucking going crazy and trying to get rid of you and trying to smash you. 0.96

01:18:44.000 The bulls are very, very aggressive. 0.99

01:18:46.000 Well, they ain't shit compared to these wild bulls. 1.00

01:18:49.000 The wild bulls are those bulls on meth. 1.00

01:18:53.000 Because they're out in the wild.

01:18:55.000 They've never been controlled.

01:18:56.000 They've never been in a cage.

01:18:57.000 And if they see people, they'll run at you 30 miles an hour and gore you and tear you apart. 1.00

01:19:02.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

01:19:03.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:19:04.000 They're some of the most dangerous animals in the bush in Australia.

01:19:07.000 There's these things called scrub bulls. 0.91

01:19:08.000 My friend Adam Greentree, who killed that, that's an Asian water buffalo.

01:19:13.000 He killed that in Australia.

01:19:15.000 Those are also invasive all throughout Australia.

01:19:17.000 They brought in these Asian water buffalo and they just destroy entire swaths of land.

01:19:23.000 And they go up to the North Country and they have to shoot them. 0.99

01:19:26.000 They have to kill them. 1.00

01:19:27.000 There's no natural predators there. 1.00

01:19:29.000 Once they get past the crocodiles, nothing can fuck with them. 0.95

01:19:32.000 But they have these bulls. 0.99

01:19:33.000 They're nothing compared to the bulls.

01:19:35.000 They're like domestic cows that are wild.

01:19:37.000 Feral bulls. 1.00

01:19:38.000 He said they're the most aggressive motherfuckers in the bush. 0.99

01:19:42.000 Like way more aggressive than these Asiatic water buffalo. 0.99

01:19:45.000 And you know, you think of them, you think, oh, it's like it's gonna look like a bull.

01:19:49.000 But they even look weird.

01:19:51.000 They have like different antlers or different horns.

01:19:54.000 Their horns come out like bigger and wider.

01:19:56.000 They have interesting colorations.

01:19:58.000 They're not all black. 0.70

01:19:59.000 They're like a bunch of different cool weird colors.

01:20:01.000 Wow.

01:20:02.000 Yeah, they look almost like dogs in a lot of ways.

01:20:04.000 You know, like patches, like a patch of brown, a patch of white.

01:20:06.000 Weird looking.

01:20:08.000 That should be the next show, is like an Anthony Bourdain, but you go to places with invasive animals, kill them, cook them, eat them, wear them.

01:20:19.000 That's your next show, man.

01:20:20.000 No, I'm not going to do that.

01:20:21.000 But it's a good idea.

01:20:23.000 It's a good idea, but I don't have the time for that.

01:20:25.000 Plus, I'm not shooting anything dangerous.

01:20:27.000 I'm not going to these dangerous places and hunting dangerous things. 1.00

01:20:31.000 Fuck all that. 1.00

01:20:33.000 See if you can get an image. 1.00

01:20:37.000 They're freaky looking, man.

01:20:39.000 They look like bulls, kinda.

01:20:41.000 But bulls that are wild, like sort of Tarzan looking like a human.

01:20:46.000 Yeah.

01:20:46.000 Right?

01:20:46.000 But he didn't, right?

01:20:48.000 He was all jacked and he had a loincloth on and bare chested and fucked up hair. 1.00

01:20:53.000 He looked like a wild human. 1.00

01:20:54.000 Yeah.

01:20:54.000 This one looks fake almost, but I can't tell.

01:20:56.000 No, no, no. 0.99

01:20:57.000 I want to see dead ones. 0.90

01:20:58.000 Oh, okay.

01:20:59.000 Yeah, the dead ones, you get a better look at them.

01:21:01.000 Scrub bull. 0.96

01:21:02.000 Yeah, like that right there.

01:21:03.000 Yeah, like that.

01:21:04.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:21:05.000 Damn. 0.99

01:21:06.000 What is that? 1.00

01:21:07.000 That's a bull.

01:21:08.000 And then the one below it, Jamie, is even weirder.

01:21:10.000 Like look at that, the white with the black, the white patches on the black skin. 1.00

01:21:14.000 They're weird.

01:21:15.000 And look at the shape of the antlers, or the horns rather.

01:21:18.000 See how widespread, see that's a water buffalo though.

01:21:21.000 That's, I think that might even be Adam.

01:21:25.000 But, like, that's a scrub bowl.

01:21:27.000 Like, that picture, what that guy's holding up.

01:21:29.000 So that's what they look like.

01:21:30.000 So that thing will just charge you.

01:21:32.000 Charge you.

01:21:32.000 That's a perfect image of one.

01:21:34.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

01:21:35.000 That kind of looks like a bowl. 1.00

01:21:37.000 Shit. 1.00

01:21:37.000 But kind of not, right? 1.00

01:21:39.000 Yeah.

01:21:39.000 And they're super muscular.

01:21:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:40.000 And really, really fucking aggressive. 0.99

01:21:44.000 And they used to, at one point in time, be domestic, you know, who knows how many years ago. 0.99

01:21:47.000 And they eventually got out and formed their own little pack, got together, I guess herd, I guess you would call them a herd, got together, did a lot of fucking, and made a bunch of other wild cows. 0.85

01:21:58.000 Look at that one in the lower left-hand corner, Jamie. 0.98

01:22:00.000 The dead one on the ground.

01:22:01.000 Like, look at that thing.

01:22:03.000 How weird is that?

01:22:04.000 Like, that kinda looks like a cow, but not really, right?

01:22:08.000 It kinda looks like a bull, rather.

01:22:09.000 It's almost got like a moose-shaped face.

01:22:11.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:22:13.000 It kind of looks like a domestic bull, but not really.

01:22:16.000 You would say, what is that, some African animal or something like that? 1.00

01:22:20.000 Animals are weird when they get free.

01:22:22.000 Then you see their true nature. 0.99

01:22:24.000 There's a lot of animals that we keep in pens, and we keep them captive, and we don't really understand what the fuck they are. 0.97

01:22:32.000 We only understand what the domestic version of that animal is. 0.97

01:22:36.000 When those animals are forced to find their own food, they become a different thing.

01:22:39.000 Yeah.

01:22:41.000 Chickens are a good example of that.

01:22:43.000 I had no idea how savage chickens were until I got my own. 1.00

01:22:47.000 I was like, look at these fucking monsters. 1.00

01:22:49.000 When you would see chickens with a mouse, it was stunning. 1.00

01:22:55.000 I had seen it a couple of times.

01:22:56.000 One time I caught a mouse and I threw it in there. 0.89

01:23:02.000 They fucked this mouse up, and one of them got it and ran with it, and they all chased her around. 0.99

01:23:08.000 So she's got it in her mouth, and she's running, and they're all chasing her, trying to pull it out of her mouth. 0.99

01:23:14.000 I didn't even know they were carnivores.

01:23:15.000 Dude, they're ferocious! 1.00

01:23:17.000 No shit! 1.00

01:23:18.000 Chickens are so ferocious. 1.00

01:23:20.000 Wow.

01:23:21.000 I've never seen anything.

01:23:22.000 I mean, I guess a dog would gobble something up pretty quick, but I've never seen anything attack as lustfully at meat as a chicken.

01:23:31.000 Like, cats aren't that lustful.

01:23:33.000 If you give a cat something, they kind of gently take it from you, and they eat it.

01:23:37.000 But you know a dog, they want to eat it quick.

01:23:40.000 Chickens are like twice as fast as dogs.

01:23:42.000 Here's a perfect example.

01:23:43.000 This is a mouse, and this mouse is being chased by this cat. 0.99

01:23:48.000 And the chicken is watching this cat fuck around with this mouse and the chicken decides to step in and fuck this mouse up. 0.99

01:23:56.000 Look at this. 0.99

01:23:57.000 So the cat's like, oh, I'm just gonna play with my food. 1.00

01:23:59.000 And the chicken's like, bitch, let me show you what the fuck is up. 1.00

01:24:03.000 Look at her. 1.00

01:24:04.000 Just starts tearing it apart, man. 1.00

01:24:07.000 Damn. 1.00

01:24:07.000 And the chicken is not interested in anything other than eating that mouse. 1.00

01:24:11.000 Yeah.

01:24:11.000 The chicken's not there for a game.

01:24:13.000 Chicken is there to kill and eat.

01:24:14.000 That's a dinosaur, man.

01:24:15.000 It's a different kind of life form than a cat.

01:24:19.000 You know, cats are like chill with each other.

01:24:22.000 They purr.

01:24:22.000 They're more complicated.

01:24:24.000 You know?

01:24:24.000 Yeah.

01:24:25.000 They like you.

01:24:25.000 They come up to you and they rub against you.

01:24:27.000 Even the Tiger King guy.

01:24:29.000 He could pet some of them cats.

01:24:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:24:32.000 Fucking fight. 1.00

01:24:33.000 You ain't never petting a chicken, bitch. 1.00

01:24:35.000 That chicken doesn't give a fuck about you. 1.00

01:24:37.000 Round one. 1.00

01:24:38.000 Chickens and a rat.

01:24:40.000 Is that a squirrel?

01:24:41.000 That's a ground squirrel.

01:24:42.000 What is that?

01:24:44.000 It's a big rat.

01:24:45.000 Is that a rat?

01:24:47.000 It is, right? 0.99

01:24:49.000 So they fucking hate that they're on a vegetarian diet. 0.99

01:24:52.000 That might be a ground squirrel, man. 1.00

01:24:55.000 It says ninja rat.

01:24:57.000 Oh, no, that's a rat. 0.68

01:24:59.000 Wow.

01:25:01.000 So these chickens are trying to decide whether the juice is worth the squeeze. 0.99

01:25:07.000 See, they're moving in close. 0.99

01:25:08.000 They're looking for other stuff, and they're like, hmm, I think I can fuck that dude up. 0.98

01:25:13.000 Look, he's like trying to play coy. 0.99

01:25:15.000 Like he doesn't really want to eat that rat.

01:25:17.000 I'll just move a little closer.

01:25:18.000 He's getting a little grass.

01:25:19.000 Move a little closer.

01:25:20.000 Man, I think I can eat that thing. 0.99

01:25:23.000 I don't find nothing in this fucking grass, but that dude is right there. 0.99

01:25:27.000 I'm just going to ease up. 0.99

01:25:29.000 Just going to, hey, just come over here looking for worms, just like you.

01:25:34.000 Just two hunters out there.

01:25:37.000 So let's see some of that in slow motion.

01:25:39.000 Oh, the rat launched itself at the chicken. 0.76

01:25:45.000 Look at that.

01:25:47.000 First strike. 0.84

01:25:48.000 The rat said, okay, I'm going to start this party.

01:25:51.000 The rat just jumped at the chicken. 0.97

01:25:54.000 Well, if a rat jumped at me, I'd feel the same way.

01:25:56.000 I'm way bigger than a chicken.

01:25:58.000 Right? 0.81

01:25:59.000 If a rat jumped at you, you'd be like, let's get out of here!

01:26:02.000 You know? 1.00

01:26:02.000 Do you think Toxo would let the rat fuck with chickens, too, the same way it does with cats? 1.00

01:26:07.000 Because it's cat-derived, right? 1.00

01:26:09.000 Maybe.

01:26:10.000 I mean, look at him launching himself in the air, though.

01:26:13.000 Unless he's defending himself and family, maybe.

01:26:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:15.000 Fuck away from my... 1.00

01:26:16.000 Well, I think they feel that way about any bird. 1.00

01:26:21.000 That is pretty badass.

01:26:22.000 Yeah, that risk to get up there fast.

01:26:25.000 If you're a bird, you know, and a rat sees you, like, you're a mortal enemy.

01:26:30.000 Yeah.

01:26:31.000 For sure.

01:26:33.000 Like, the big ones, for sure.

01:26:35.000 I see a lot of hawks, man.

01:26:37.000 I see a lot of hawks in the valley, you know, and I never have the patience to sit and watch one and hope it gets something, but, uh...

01:26:46.000 The director on news radio, Tom Chironis, was sitting in his backyard.

01:26:50.000 I think he was in Studio City.

01:26:52.000 On his back porch, he watched a dove get snatched by a hawk.

01:26:57.000 Oh, yeah?

01:26:57.000 Yeah.

01:26:58.000 So the dove was just sitting there on this fence, and this hawk came along and just...

01:27:01.000 Right in front of him.

01:27:03.000 Like, whoa.

01:27:04.000 Yeah, we had a hawk smash into our sliding glass door.

01:27:09.000 I don't know what he went after, but he came in fast.

01:27:12.000 Slammed into it and took off. 0.56

01:27:14.000 Yeah, we killed a couple of them accidentally that way.

01:27:16.000 A couple of them, we changed our back fence from metal bars to glass, and it wiped out like three hawks. 1.00

01:27:25.000 Oh, no shit! 1.00

01:27:26.000 Yeah, they fucking nose-dived right into it. 1.00

01:27:29.000 Whoa! 0.99

01:27:31.000 It was a bummer.

01:27:32.000 Yeah.

01:27:33.000 Yeah, birds will fly into your window all the time.

01:27:35.000 Does that happen to your house?

01:27:36.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:27:36.000 And you hear that THONK, and you're like, ah, shit. 1.00

01:27:39.000 And you go out and see some bird. 0.98

01:27:42.000 I saw this little kind of sparrow-looking bird and he was standing like against the side window of a car and he kept launching himself at the side view mirror again and again.

01:27:53.000 He just kept attacking his own image.

01:27:58.000 Not picking up on it.

01:27:59.000 There was a little bit of a hawk war that went on in my backyard.

01:28:02.000 Oh, really?

01:28:02.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:28:03.000 Well, I think what happened is when we put up the fence, the glass fence, one hawk slammed into it. 0.99

01:28:11.000 That hawk might have been running shit. 0.98

01:28:13.000 That might have been, like, one of the top hawks of the community. 0.99

01:28:16.000 Because then there was a bunch of young hawks that were hanging around.

01:28:19.000 They were getting really cocky.

01:28:20.000 And they were, like, flying on top of the chicken coop.

01:28:23.000 You didn't have to chase them off. 0.99

01:28:24.000 Like, what the fuck are you guys doing? 0.98

01:28:26.000 They're, like, acting different. 0.99

01:28:27.000 They were like bold.

01:28:28.000 They were swooping low.

01:28:29.000 They were acting like young punks.

01:28:31.000 Right.

01:28:31.000 And then I started finding them dead.

01:28:34.000 Headless.

01:28:35.000 Really?

01:28:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:28:37.000 Where one other animal, perhaps an owl, was jacking these little cunty young hawks and biting their head off. 1.00

01:28:47.000 Damn. 1.00

01:28:47.000 And then leaving their body. 1.00

01:28:49.000 Yeah, we found at least two of them, I remember, if I remember correctly.

01:28:53.000 I think it was like, we got at least two hawks rehabbed.

01:28:59.000 One of them we brought to a wildlife shelter, and they actually were able to release it back to the wild again after it mended up.

01:29:06.000 But it was another one that got KO'd flying into the fence.

01:29:09.000 And one of them that we kept for a weekend and fed it...

01:29:15.000 A big thing in the house because they were feeding them mice, okay?

01:29:19.000 So we had this hawk, and we'd go to the pet store.

01:29:21.000 There's a pet store that sells exotic pets, and they have these things called pinkies.

01:29:25.000 They're basically baby mice.

01:29:26.000 And this is what they said that you have to feed the hawk before we can get it to this wildlife thing that wasn't open until Monday.

01:29:31.000 So they're feeding them these little tiny baby mice because they want this poor hawk to be better.

01:29:38.000 So this demon is eating babies in my house, okay?

01:29:43.000 It's so crazy. 0.63

01:29:44.000 And then it gets to the end.

01:29:46.000 It gets to the end.

01:29:47.000 It's Sunday.

01:29:49.000 The demon stopped eating babies.

01:29:51.000 It left one baby alive.

01:29:52.000 So we took this one baby mouse.

01:29:54.000 And then the girls are like, well, we want to keep it as a pet. 1.00

01:29:57.000 I go, what?

01:29:58.000 I go, this thing slaughtered 10 of them.

01:30:03.000 This thing just ate, I don't know how many it ate, but it just ate its brothers and sisters.

01:30:07.000 You're like, this one I'll spare.

01:30:09.000 I'll spare you.

01:30:11.000 I'll spare you and I'll bring you in.

01:30:12.000 See, is that an owl eating a hawk's head?

01:30:15.000 Yeah, see, I guess that's owl's move. 1.00

01:30:18.000 When owls kill a hawk, look at this, they just eat their fucking head, dude. 1.00

01:30:22.000 Takes the scout. 1.00

01:30:24.000 Yeah, and they leave their headless body.

01:30:25.000 Wow.

01:30:26.000 That's how badass owls are. 0.92

01:30:28.000 Look at that.

01:30:29.000 Just standing over the dude.

01:30:31.000 Imagine if you did that to a guy and you were holding him down with your feet and with your hands you just pulled his head off with your teeth and just chewed through the side of his neck to hold it under his head.

01:30:40.000 And that's sitting on some guy's roof.

01:30:43.000 That's just in your neighborhood.

01:30:44.000 Look, there's a fence.

01:30:45.000 It says this guy was eating breakfast and he saw this out of his window.

01:30:48.000 Oh yeah.

01:30:48.000 No big deal.

01:30:49.000 That's awesome. 0.99

01:30:50.000 Just one demon killing another demon.

01:30:53.000 And that's the one we associate with wisdom.

01:30:55.000 Ah, give a hoot, don't pollute. 0.63

01:30:58.000 He's the one who's telling you how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tootsie hole pop.

01:31:03.000 You remember that?

01:31:04.000 One, two, three.

01:31:07.000 Meanwhile, he's out there eating hawkheads.

01:31:11.000 Yeah.

01:31:12.000 Look at that, man.

01:31:13.000 We had a crow. 0.99

01:31:14.000 We got these fucking huge crows. 0.99

01:31:16.000 And in the driveway, I came home, and there was a possum, a baby possum, on the driveway. 1.00

01:31:25.000 It was near dead, and there was this giant fucking black crow, and he was pecking at the possum. 0.98

01:31:33.000 I don't know what human instinct made me jump in there and break it up. 0.98

01:31:39.000 And so I'm chasing the crow away, and then I tell my son to go get a shoebox inside so I can scoop up the possum, and the crow is not having it.

01:31:51.000 He's like... 0.99

01:31:52.000 That's my fucking possum, dude. 1.00

01:31:54.000 And so he keeps coming at me and I'm like staving off a crow who's like coming at me and then swooping away. 1.00

01:32:01.000 He's dive bombing you.

01:32:02.000 He's dive bombing me.

01:32:03.000 You don't have a weapon?

01:32:05.000 No, my fists and my feet.

01:32:07.000 Did you swing at them?

01:32:08.000 No.

01:32:10.000 I don't know if you would hurt a bird if it was coming at you.

01:32:13.000 I feel like there's not enough weight behind them.

01:32:15.000 You would just knock them into the air.

01:32:16.000 Yeah.

01:32:17.000 I think they're so light.

01:32:19.000 I think it'd be hard to hurt them.

01:32:21.000 You know what I mean?

01:32:22.000 Yeah.

01:32:23.000 Like if a bird was swooping at you and you hit it, I don't know if it would hurt it that much.

01:32:28.000 Yeah.

01:32:29.000 I think it would just bounce off.

01:32:30.000 Right.

01:32:30.000 Because they weigh nothing.

01:32:31.000 Right.

01:32:33.000 I mean, I'm just guessing. 1.00

01:32:34.000 I think if you kicked a turkey in the head, you could fuck it up. 0.99

01:32:42.000 You know, only if it's Thanksgiving, though. 0.99

01:32:44.000 Only around the holidays. 0.98

01:32:45.000 If you gave, like, a Muay Thai fighter, like, a guy who could really kick and he kicked a turkey's neck, I think you'd fuck that turkey up. 0.98

01:32:54.000 You know? 0.99

01:32:56.000 Yeah, birds have an advantage, man.

01:32:58.000 They're like a lightweight boxer. 1.00

01:33:00.000 Just fucking in and out. 1.00

01:33:02.000 They're dinosaurs, man. 1.00

01:33:04.000 We were reading about this eagle that used to live in New Zealand before the people wiped it out.

01:33:08.000 It was called a Haast eagle.

01:33:10.000 And they think that people might have wiped it out because it was probably eating them.

01:33:14.000 And this thing weighed 25 pounds.

01:33:16.000 I think the biggest it got was like H-A-A-S-T eagle.

01:33:22.000 And they believe it was brought to extinction.

01:33:26.000 One of the theories is by human beings because they think that it was probably a dangerous animal. 1.00

01:33:31.000 Fucking huge eagle. 0.99

01:33:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:33.000 Huge. 1.00

01:33:34.000 Wow.

01:33:35.000 Imagine your cousin gets eaten by an eagle.

01:33:38.000 How big do those things get?

01:33:40.000 I think they had something like a seven-foot wingspan.

01:33:42.000 Yeah, it says up to three-meter wingspan.

01:33:45.000 Three meters.

01:33:45.000 Nine feet.

01:33:47.000 Is that the biggest animal that has flight?

01:33:50.000 That's a good question.

01:33:53.000 Imagine the pterodactyl days. 0.98

01:33:56.000 What in the fuck was that like? 0.98

01:33:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:34:01.000 Giant flying lizards.

01:34:02.000 That's fun.

01:34:03.000 That are carnivores.

01:34:04.000 Yep. 1.00

01:34:04.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:34:06.000 Can you imagine? 1.00

01:34:08.000 Here it is.

01:34:09.000 Whoa.

01:34:10.000 It's the largest ever.

01:34:11.000 Well, that sounds like Quetzalcoatl, which is the...

01:34:14.000 That's that Aztec god.

01:34:17.000 Q-U-E-T-Z-A-L-C-O-A-T-L-U-S. Quetzalcoatlus? 0.52

01:34:26.000 Quetzalcoatl was that...

01:34:29.000 That flying god of the Aztecs.

01:34:32.000 Can you just go back up to that?

01:34:33.000 I was reading that top part right there.

01:34:35.000 I think it was.

01:34:35.000 Yeah.

01:34:36.000 A pterodactyl petrosaur from the late Cretaceous of North America.

01:34:41.000 Largest known flying animal to have ever lived.

01:34:44.000 So that is like probably, they probably named it after Quetzalcoatl, which was the, see if you find that word, Quetzalcoatl, because I think that's what that was.

01:34:52.000 It was an Aztec god.

01:34:55.000 That was like a bird.

01:34:56.000 Wingspan of 36 feet.

01:34:59.000 Jesus Christ.

01:35:01.000 36 feet!

01:35:02.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:35:04.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:35:05.000 Dude, that's a plane. 1.00

01:35:07.000 Now, see, this is a god, the feathered serpent.

01:35:11.000 A name for the feathered serpent deity of the ancient Mesopotamian, Mesoamerican culture.

01:35:16.000 I wonder if there was ever a time where human beings and that petrosaur thing coincided.

01:35:24.000 When was that petrosaur?

01:35:26.000 When did that thing go extinct?

01:35:28.000 That Quetzalcoatlus. 1.00

01:35:30.000 Can you imagine if there was ancient human, you know, Neanderthals or whatever, Australopithecus, and you're looking up, you see a 35-foot bird. 1.00

01:35:40.000 Fuck you, man! 1.00

01:35:42.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:35:44.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:35:45.000 The bones were discovered in Texas. 1.00

01:35:47.000 That's the same right area.

01:35:49.000 Of course.

01:35:50.000 Texans, before the Comanches, they had giant flying dinosaurs. 1.00

01:35:55.000 Goddamn. 0.99

01:35:56.000 Scan fast for a time period. 0.99

01:35:59.000 Doesn't say right off the top for some reason.

01:36:03.000 Just...

01:36:04.000 Whatever it was.

01:36:05.000 Late Cretaceous?

01:36:06.000 I don't know.

01:36:06.000 What's that?

01:36:08.000 When is that?

01:36:11.000 That's a long time ago.

01:36:12.000 Is that 10 million years?

01:36:13.000 What is that?

01:36:14.000 I think it says 100 to 66 million.

01:36:16.000 Oh! 0.60

01:36:17.000 So that's way before even the Yucatan impact that killed the dinosaurs.

01:36:22.000 That was 65 million years ago.

01:36:24.000 Yeah, since the climate was warmer than now, even then.

01:36:27.000 What's the biggest thing that lived, that flew while people were alive?

01:36:31.000 You think it was that host eagle?

01:36:32.000 Yeah.

01:36:33.000 You said that was three meters, right?

01:36:34.000 That's nine feet? 1.00

01:36:36.000 By the way, fuck that too. 1.00

01:36:38.000 Imagine a nine foot wide thing. 1.00

01:36:39.000 I don't take your kid easily.

01:36:41.000 I don't take a small kid.

01:36:43.000 Maybe a pretty big kid.

01:36:44.000 Yeah.

01:36:45.000 They carry deer away. 1.00

01:36:46.000 No shit! 1.00

01:36:47.000 Yeah, dude, they pull goats off the side of cliffs and not even big ones. 1.00

01:36:51.000 Damn! 0.99

01:36:51.000 Have you ever seen that Golden Eagles do that? 0.99

01:36:53.000 Golden Eagles are the biggest North American eagles.

01:36:57.000 And I actually think bald eagles have done this as well.

01:37:00.000 And they swoop down and they grab these sheep that are trying to climb their way up to the top of these mountains.

01:37:04.000 They pull them off and they drop them on the rocks.

01:37:08.000 Yeah.

01:37:08.000 And watch them smash.

01:37:09.000 Wow.

01:37:10.000 And sometimes they ride them down to the ground.

01:37:12.000 Wow.

01:37:13.000 Dude!

01:37:14.000 There's one video of this one eagle. 0.99

01:37:16.000 He grabs ahold of this sheep and pulls it off the side of this wall, and as it's going down, the eagle's hanging on, so the eagle hits the ground with it and bounces it, and oh my god, it's fucking madness. 0.99

01:37:30.000 It's madness. 0.98

01:37:31.000 That's beautiful.

01:37:32.000 Yeah, the eagle's fine.

01:37:34.000 Fine.

01:37:35.000 Eagle fell, bounced, had this goat hit it in the head, bounced. 0.87

01:37:39.000 Fine.

01:37:40.000 The end flies away.

01:37:42.000 Yeah.

01:37:42.000 Crazy flexible bones that they have.

01:37:45.000 Shit. 1.00

01:37:48.000 Yeah, dude, we're so lucky. 1.00

01:37:51.000 We have one thing to worry about right now, other than normal shit that everybody has to worry about all the time in life. 0.81

01:37:57.000 One new thing. 0.96

01:37:58.000 And everything just hits to a halt.

01:38:02.000 Yeah.

01:38:02.000 One new thing.

01:38:03.000 Like, whoa.

01:38:05.000 I know.

01:38:05.000 The whole world changes.

01:38:06.000 One new thing.

01:38:07.000 Right.

01:38:09.000 Albatross has a bigger wingspan than the host eagle. 0.75

01:38:13.000 Really?

01:38:14.000 It's about the same.

01:38:14.000 Maybe it says it's 11 feet.

01:38:16.000 Jesus.

01:38:17.000 Albatross, the ones that are alive right now?

01:38:19.000 Mm-hmm.

01:38:20.000 Wow.

01:38:22.000 That's...

01:38:23.000 What do they eat?

01:38:24.000 Mostly fish, right?

01:38:24.000 And this even says a condor with a 24-foot wingspan.

01:38:28.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:38:29.000 28 million years ago. 1.00

01:38:30.000 Oh.

01:38:30.000 Sorry.

01:38:31.000 I think albatross, they go out to sea for fucking weeks. 0.99

01:38:35.000 What do they do, just dive in and eat fish? 0.99

01:38:37.000 Dive and eat.

01:38:38.000 Yeah.

01:38:39.000 Look at that.

01:38:40.000 Whoa.

01:38:42.000 Yeah, that would be just more annoying than anything.

01:38:44.000 I don't think they could kill you.

01:38:46.000 But an eagle's got a face like a bolt cutter.

01:38:50.000 As I was digging through, a couple articles even speculated if those giant Quetzalcoatl things, if they were too big to even fly, maybe.

01:38:59.000 They could have been like giant ostrich-type bird, dinosaur-type things.

01:39:03.000 Yeah, they only have the bones, right?

01:39:05.000 Just something that just got too big for its wings.

01:39:08.000 Maybe fly like a chicken.

01:39:10.000 Chickens can fly like 10 feet or something like that.

01:39:13.000 They just kind of run and fly at the same time.

01:39:17.000 They get a little air.

01:39:20.000 No, I think about, like, my friend had a parrot when I was a kid.

01:39:25.000 Parrot or parakeet, I don't know, birds, but it scared the shit out of me.

01:39:29.000 Like, I would reach into the cage just to, like, you know, you try to stick your finger in its belly so it steps on your finger, but it bites you instead.

01:39:35.000 And I remember being a full-sized human being scared of this.

01:39:39.000 Take that and expand it by a thousand.

01:39:43.000 Yeah.

01:39:44.000 And it's flying above you.

01:39:46.000 Yeah. 0.60

01:39:46.000 Birds can scare the shit out of you. 0.60

01:39:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:39:49.000 They can pull a fucking salmon out of a flowing river with their feet and fly away with it. 1.00

01:39:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:39:59.000 Imagine even grabbing a salmon.

01:40:03.000 Imagine just dunking your hand into a river and pulling a salmon out.

01:40:07.000 No.

01:40:08.000 Now imagine doing it while you're flying in.

01:40:11.000 You snatch it, pull it out of the river, and then fly away with it.

01:40:14.000 Right.

01:40:16.000 And that's our national bird.

01:40:19.000 It's our national animal.

01:40:20.000 It's a pretty cool national animal.

01:40:22.000 I guess. 1.00

01:40:23.000 It's a ruthless cunt of a flying dinosaur. 1.00

01:40:26.000 Wouldn't it be better if we had something compassionate? 1.00

01:40:28.000 Shoebills are close.

01:40:29.000 Oh, they're real close.

01:40:30.000 Shoebills are super dangerous.

01:40:32.000 Oh, yeah?

01:40:33.000 Well, that is an ancient, predatory, carnivorous dinosaur that happens to still be alive.

01:40:39.000 Why is that guy getting close to it with his kid?

01:40:41.000 I don't know.

01:40:42.000 Oh, don't do that.

01:40:43.000 Please don't do that.

01:40:47.000 Nothing bad happens in this, but...

01:40:48.000 Okay.

01:40:49.000 Yeah.

01:40:49.000 I just...

01:40:50.000 Yeah.

01:40:51.000 Yeah, I could imagine if that thing was pissed off at you.

01:40:54.000 Whoa, he's gonna touch it?

01:40:55.000 I mean, I don't think anything bad happens, but...

01:40:57.000 Bro.

01:40:58.000 That's the kind of people that get eaten.

01:41:00.000 I think we're fine.

01:41:01.000 I think we're fine.

01:41:03.000 I'm gonna bend over and pull up my pants.

01:41:07.000 There are some animals that are...

01:41:09.000 There's a really aggressive bird, a cassoway, I think it's called.

01:41:13.000 And this lady's filming on the beach in Australia. 0.99

01:41:16.000 She's like, oh, look.

01:41:18.000 Look at the cool birds.

01:41:19.000 And the bird starts going after her. 1.00

01:41:22.000 They'll come fuck you. 1.00

01:41:23.000 What is it? 1.00

01:41:24.000 A balanepsis rex.

01:41:26.000 Shoebill stork fax.

01:41:27.000 That's what it's called.

01:41:28.000 Balanexis rex.

01:41:30.000 It's a rex. 1.00

01:41:31.000 It's a fucking dinosaur. 1.00

01:41:32.000 Look at that face. 1.00

01:41:33.000 Wow.

01:41:34.000 Look at that one right there. 0.85

01:41:35.000 Look at that one.

01:41:35.000 Look at that image.

01:41:37.000 What in the fuck is that? 0.99

01:41:39.000 That's flightless, right? 0.99

01:41:40.000 Yeah.

01:41:40.000 But it gets to five feet tall, and it snatches fish and lizards and all kinds of other things.

01:41:46.000 It swallows them whole.

01:41:48.000 There's a fantastic documentary that BBC put out years ago about the Congo, and the shoebill lives in the Congo, and in the Congo the shoebill eats this fish that comes out of the land and then crawls across the land until it can find another pond and then slides into that pond.

01:42:09.000 Yeah.

01:42:09.000 And the shoebills eating that thing, and you're like, what am I seeing?

01:42:13.000 I'm seeing a battle between two prehistoric animals.

01:42:18.000 That's amazing.

01:42:19.000 A fish that can swim and then climb out of the water and walk on the ground and then jump in a new pond.

01:42:26.000 Right.

01:42:27.000 That's the missing link for evolution.

01:42:29.000 The first fish to get out of the water.

01:42:33.000 Yeah.

01:42:34.000 I mean, all these animals adapt when they're in the Congo.

01:42:38.000 What are you looking at here, Jamie?

01:42:39.000 That's weird.

01:42:40.000 Shoebill claws.

01:42:41.000 Oh, that's what it was on the bottom?

01:42:44.000 They're all, I mean, they're all adapting to their environment.

01:42:47.000 They found in the Congo, there's a, I think it's called a diker. 1.00

01:42:51.000 It's a specific type of antelope.

01:42:54.000 But because they've been in this, it used to, what they think is, at least parts of the Congo, that, if I don't, I hope I'm not fucking this up, but I believe what it was, was it used to be grasslands.

01:43:05.000 And then the climate changed.

01:43:06.000 It became rainforests.

01:43:07.000 And a lot of animals, they were like plains animals, were stuck in the Congo, in the rainforest, and they had to adapt.

01:43:15.000 So you'll see these herds of ungulates running through the Congo, like these different kinds of antelopes running through the swampy waters.

01:43:25.000 Yeah.

01:43:25.000 And you're like, what are those things doing here?

01:43:26.000 And then there's other antelopes like these duikers that actually can swim. 1.00

01:43:30.000 So they can swim underwater as much as a hundred meters. 1.00

01:43:33.000 No shit! 0.99

01:43:34.000 A hundred meters underwater. 1.00

01:43:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:43:36.000 Damn! 1.00

01:43:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:43:37.000 They can hold their breath and they eat fish.

01:43:39.000 That's wild.

01:43:40.000 What?

01:43:41.000 Yeah.

01:43:41.000 They're adapting.

01:43:42.000 Yeah.

01:43:42.000 So they're figuring out how to get, see if you can find that thing.

01:43:45.000 I think it's, I don't remember how to spell it.

01:43:48.000 It's going to be us in five years.

01:43:50.000 These little, look at that, what is that bird doing?

01:43:54.000 No, no, no.

01:43:55.000 No, that's not it.

01:43:57.000 A diker's an antelope, dude.

01:43:58.000 It's not a bird.

01:44:01.000 And it's not in the ocean.

01:44:04.000 That's a tuna.

01:44:05.000 It's in the Congo.

01:44:06.000 Jamie, you're high!

01:44:13.000 You're like, is it this?

01:44:15.000 I'm like, bro, that's a sandwich.

01:44:19.000 That's the 96 Olympics.

01:44:21.000 It's an antelope.

01:44:21.000 I think it's called a diker.

01:44:22.000 I don't know how to spell it.

01:44:24.000 I don't think it's D-I-K-E-R. But it's a small antelope-like creature that lives in Africa. 0.95

01:44:31.000 Try under lesbian. 1.00

01:44:35.000 Yeah, they have these little short legs, and they swim. 1.00

01:44:37.000 By the way, today's a big day, Joe.

01:44:39.000 What is today?

01:44:40.000 It's my 20th appearance on the Joe Rogan Experience.

01:44:42.000 Yeah, you were telling me that.

01:44:42.000 That's crazy.

01:44:45.000 20 times.

01:44:45.000 Dude, that's crazy.

01:44:46.000 Yeah.

01:44:46.000 That's nuts.

01:44:48.000 Today's April Fools.

01:44:49.000 Be very careful. 1.00

01:44:50.000 A lot of motherfuckers out there playing that stupid game. 1.00

01:44:52.000 I was going to tell you a crazy fucking story. 1.00

01:44:55.000 I was driving up here thinking, I've got to come up with something funny. 0.99

01:44:58.000 The Gemsbach? 0.93

01:44:59.000 Oh yeah, that's another animal that can swim.

01:45:01.000 In the ocean?

01:45:02.000 Yeah, they swim.

01:45:05.000 Yeah.

01:45:05.000 I think that's called a Gemsbuck, is that what that one's called?

01:45:08.000 I think, spell it...

01:45:10.000 Oh, you got D-U-I-K-E-R? Okay. 0.99

01:45:17.000 It's going to take a long time to find video of it swimming. 0.99

01:45:19.000 But this documentary was just showing how sometimes things just change and these animals get fucked. 0.99

01:45:27.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:45:27.000 And they're just not supposed to be there. 0.99

01:45:29.000 Right.

01:45:29.000 I think part of it was they were locating things like elephants in the parts of the Congo, too, that were also in the rainforest.

01:45:37.000 And they're like, what the fuck are these things doing here? 0.90

01:45:39.000 Right. 0.98

01:45:40.000 Right.

01:45:40.000 It's really interesting, man.

01:45:42.000 You know, we're just real fortunate that we're in a place that is fairly calm with very few monsters.

01:45:50.000 Yeah.

01:45:50.000 But there's spots in the world where, unfortunately, your civilization really never had a chance to get a foothold because it was always dealing with defense.

01:46:01.000 There was not enough time to relax to really build up a good, stout civilization.

01:46:06.000 Because everything was just about acquiring food and making sure you don't get eaten by crocodiles.

01:46:10.000 Yeah, right.

01:46:10.000 Well, that's why it's kind of cool that we have mountain lions, but not a lot.

01:46:14.000 We can literally count the number of mountain lions we have in Los Angeles, but they're fucking there. 0.98

01:46:19.000 They're there, dude. 0.99

01:46:20.000 They're real, too.

01:46:21.000 Yep.

01:46:22.000 It kind of keeps you honest a little bit.

01:46:24.000 I think it's good. 0.99

01:46:26.000 No matter what city you're in, there should be a fucking bear. 1.00

01:46:28.000 Just one bear. 1.00

01:46:29.000 Just a little something to let you know.

01:46:31.000 There's a food chain.

01:46:32.000 Respect it.

01:46:33.000 We think we just get food from the store.

01:46:36.000 No, that's what's confusing about all this.

01:46:39.000 Food does not come from the store.

01:46:42.000 Food comes from living things, either vegetables and fruits or animals.

01:46:48.000 That's food.

01:46:49.000 The store is this weird thing that we invented.

01:46:51.000 You've got to figure out how to get food.

01:46:53.000 You can't rely on the store.

01:46:55.000 And one thing that's happened is there's a giant uptick of people looking into hunting licenses and people watching videos on hunting and how to get started.

01:47:04.000 Since Corona?

01:47:04.000 Yes, and homesteading.

01:47:06.000 A lot of people that are looking to buy plots of land and raise rabbits for food and raise chickens and raise pigs and there's a lot of videos that are popping up on YouTube now about homesteading where people are like, hey, how do we fucking avoid this?

01:47:18.000 You buy a patch of land, you get a few families to chip in, you all build houses on that land or you buy houses that are close enough to each other that you could share land and you fucking grow food. 0.55

01:47:29.000 Yeah.

01:47:29.000 You grow food and make sure that you don't need anybody.

01:47:31.000 Right.

01:47:32.000 You can get all your food from your yard.

01:47:33.000 That can be done, man.

01:47:34.000 This sounds so out there, but that's literally how 95% of the world lives.

01:47:41.000 Yeah.

01:47:41.000 And not only that, but how 99.9% of the world lived until the last couple of hundred years.

01:47:47.000 Yeah.

01:47:47.000 You know, this is how you're supposed to.

01:47:49.000 You're supposed to have food nearby, man.

01:47:50.000 You're supposed to have something nearby.

01:47:51.000 My grandfather always had a garden.

01:47:53.000 Always had a garden.

01:47:54.000 Always had a garden.

01:47:55.000 He would go back there and he would check his tomatoes.

01:47:58.000 He knew where everything was.

01:47:59.000 My peppers are coming in.

01:48:01.000 He would always have this little thing, this spot over here for this kind of plant and this kind of food. 0.99

01:48:05.000 He would grow spices and all kinds of shit. 0.95

01:48:08.000 Those old school immigrant people that came over here back when food was hard to get, they knew how to make sure you have something. 0.99

01:48:15.000 Right.

01:48:16.000 Make sure you have a, you know, you can stay alive with your garden, you know?

01:48:20.000 Well, especially the chickens.

01:48:21.000 You can't get eggs.

01:48:22.000 We went shopping last night.

01:48:23.000 There's no eggs.

01:48:24.000 It's hard. 1.00

01:48:25.000 Yeah, these cunty coyotes killed all my fucking chickens, or I'd get some eggs for you. 1.00

01:48:29.000 That sucks. 1.00

01:48:29.000 But the thing is about rebuilding, we've talked about this, when you rebuild the shelter, the chicken shelter, and put new chickens in there, now you're a target. 1.00

01:48:40.000 Like, they know where meat is, and they know a bonanza of meat.

01:48:44.000 They ate nine chickens in one day, in one sitting.

01:48:47.000 They killed nine chickens.

01:48:49.000 It was just a... 1.00

01:48:50.000 This fucking, like, just disgusting pile of feathers. 1.00

01:48:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:48:56.000 Where all the chickens were slaughtered.

01:48:57.000 Yeah.

01:48:58.000 And the hole, like, pulled, the mesh was pulled out, and they just jumped in there and just, one at a time, killed all the chickens.

01:49:04.000 Wow. 0.99

01:49:05.000 I don't want that shit around my house. 1.00

01:49:07.000 That's the thing. 1.00

01:49:08.000 It's like if you're going to have coyotes targeting your house, like looking at your house as a source of food, if you're doing that by keeping chickens, you're going to have more coyote interactions.

01:49:21.000 And either you're cool with that or you're kind of creeped out by it.

01:49:24.000 I'm kind of creeped out by it.

01:49:26.000 Especially when I'm high.

01:49:28.000 I tied a dead chicken to a, one of the coyotes killed a chicken before I chased it out.

01:49:32.000 I tied a chicken to a pot, like a pot that you plant plants in, you know, pottery.

01:49:37.000 And I tied it down and I tied it in and I set it 30 yards from my balcony.

01:49:43.000 And I got a range finder and I ranged all these different spots in the yard and I sat up there for hours with a bow.

01:49:50.000 Trying to kill a coyote.

01:49:52.000 I'm like, come on, baby.

01:49:53.000 Really?

01:49:53.000 Yeah.

01:49:54.000 Like, he's right there.

01:49:55.000 Go get your chicken.

01:49:56.000 You were pissed.

01:49:57.000 Yeah, I was having war with him.

01:49:58.000 Yeah.

01:49:59.000 I was having war. 1.00

01:49:59.000 I was going to kill him and I was going to throw him over the fence. 1.00

01:50:02.000 Like, let these cunts know. 1.00

01:50:03.000 Hey, I killed your friend. 1.00

01:50:05.000 I'll kill you too. 1.00

01:50:06.000 You should have chewed its head off. 1.00

01:50:08.000 I was thinking about eating some of it and then shitting into a bag and throwing the bag over the hill. 1.00

01:50:14.000 I ate a piece of your friend, you fucks. 1.00

01:50:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:50:19.000 I'm not a fan. 1.00

01:50:22.000 I like having them around.

01:50:23.000 It's cool to hear them at night, but I don't want them thinking of my animals and my dog or my cat or anything like that as a food source, because that's what they do.

01:50:32.000 Sounds like you cared about these chickens.

01:50:33.000 Did they become like pets?

01:50:34.000 They're like pets, but not.

01:50:36.000 Marshall's like...

01:50:37.000 You met Marshall.

01:50:38.000 He's out there right now.

01:50:39.000 He's like family.

01:50:40.000 That little sweetie.

01:50:42.000 He's one of my kids.

01:50:44.000 He's my buddy.

01:50:45.000 He's like a full-grown three-year-old cuddle bunny.

01:50:49.000 He's the sweetest dog in the world.

01:50:51.000 Like, that's very different than a chicken.

01:50:53.000 My relationship with a chicken is not that deep.

01:50:56.000 Like, that dog is...

01:50:57.000 I love that dog.

01:50:58.000 He's my buddy.

01:50:59.000 Like, every time I see him, I'm like, dude!

01:51:01.000 Yeah.

01:51:02.000 And he's like...

01:51:02.000 He comes over with a toy in his mouth, and he's just a bundle of love.

01:51:07.000 He loves everybody, too.

01:51:09.000 Everybody he meets, he just loves everybody.

01:51:11.000 Chickens are not like that, man.

01:51:13.000 They're not that valuable. 0.99

01:51:15.000 Chickens are independent little cunts. 1.00

01:51:17.000 I was walking my dogs this morning, and some fucking asshole... 1.00

01:51:21.000 He goes, can I pet your dog? 1.00

01:51:23.000 I'm like, let me check.

01:51:25.000 Let me check the news.

01:51:28.000 No! 1.00

01:51:29.000 No, you can't rub your fucking germy hands on my dog. 1.00

01:51:32.000 That's gonna come home to your house. 1.00

01:51:34.000 Right.

01:51:34.000 Yeah.

01:51:35.000 No, you're not supposed to do that right now, right?

01:51:37.000 Nope.

01:51:37.000 Not supposed to let some dude just touch you.

01:51:40.000 Some guy wanted to shake my hand at the grocery store the week of the whole thing.

01:51:43.000 Yeah.

01:51:43.000 And I shook his hand.

01:51:44.000 I didn't want to be rude.

01:51:46.000 Right.

01:51:47.000 But I felt weird about it.

01:51:48.000 I was like, oh, are we still shaking hands?

01:51:51.000 Like, when do we stop doing this? 1.00

01:51:53.000 That was the week that everybody went crazy and started buying shit. 0.99

01:51:57.000 It is crazy, too, because there's no shortage of food. 0.99

01:52:01.000 No.

01:52:01.000 No, the supply chain hasn't changed.

01:52:03.000 Yeah.

01:52:04.000 Yeah.

01:52:05.000 Especially the toilet paper thing became totally random. 0.97

01:52:08.000 It's like one asshole filled up his shopping cart with toilet paper, and then somebody saw him do that, and somebody else saw him do that, and they all just decided it was a panic on toilet paper. 0.98

01:52:17.000 Doesn't make any sense. 1.00

01:52:18.000 It's almost like it was perpetrated by a toilet paper industry.

01:52:21.000 Ah.

01:52:23.000 Do you know how much money you would save if you had a bidet?

01:52:26.000 Or those little tushy ones that we had that was a sponsor? 0.99

01:52:29.000 I think that was like, what did Red Band say it cost?

01:52:31.000 79 bucks.

01:52:32.000 $79.

01:52:33.000 Yeah.

01:52:33.000 That's for the cold water one.

01:52:35.000 The one that, yeah, and a few extra bucks, you get it heated up.

01:52:39.000 But just take it like a seal, like a Navy seal.

01:52:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:41.000 Get your cold water in your asshole. 1.00

01:52:43.000 Yes, sir! 1.00

01:52:44.000 Woo! 0.99

01:52:46.000 Now, if I'm going to do that, because I looked online, and you can't get the cheap ones anywhere.

01:52:50.000 The cold water ones are sold out.

01:52:52.000 But they did have some high-end ones. 1.00

01:52:55.000 And I was thinking, like, you shit every day. 1.00

01:52:58.000 Yeah, every day. 1.00

01:52:59.000 You know, I'm going to get it in my house.

01:53:00.000 I'll have it for the rest of my life.

01:53:01.000 Why not go big and just get one that, like, some of them have remote controls where you can, like, you can change the direction of it? 0.99

01:53:08.000 Have you ever taken a shit here? 0.98

01:53:10.000 You told me to use it once, but I didn't do it. 1.00

01:53:12.000 Don't be scared.

01:53:13.000 It's wonderful.

01:53:14.000 Really?

01:53:14.000 It's wonderful.

01:53:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:16.000 Yours has probably got a fucking... 1.00

01:53:18.000 Tanning bed in it. 1.00

01:53:19.000 It doesn't do that, but it does.

01:53:22.000 You can direct, make it a stronger wave, a lighter wave.

01:53:26.000 You can direct it into the hole itself.

01:53:29.000 You can aim it.

01:53:30.000 Right in the hole. 0.99

01:53:32.000 It makes you have to shit more. 1.00

01:53:34.000 Like when it goes up the hole, your body's like, oh yeah, I got some extra for you. 1.00

01:53:38.000 It's like it loosens everything up.

01:53:39.000 Does it throw a little hemorrhoidal lotion on there for me if I need it?

01:53:42.000 No, it doesn't.

01:53:42.000 You gotta do that yourself.

01:53:43.000 But the point is you're saving a lot of money in toilet paper. 1.00

01:53:46.000 Will it bleach my asshole? 1.00

01:53:47.000 It cleans it. 1.00

01:53:48.000 I don't think it's gonna bleach it.

01:53:49.000 That'd be a nice little option though.

01:53:51.000 I don't.

01:53:51.000 Extra button.

01:53:52.000 I don't think you need to worry about that in these trying times. 1.00

01:53:54.000 Like if you get Botox now, you're an asshole. 1.00

01:53:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:56.000 You know, this doctor could be in an emergency room helping COVID-19 patients. 1.00

01:54:02.000 You're like, I'm seeing there's some movement.

01:54:04.000 There's some movement right here.

01:54:05.000 Like, watch.

01:54:06.000 Watch.

01:54:07.000 Look, I'm shocked!

01:54:10.000 Meanwhile, he's got three people hacking up in the waiting room.

01:54:13.000 I know.

01:54:13.000 Come on.

01:54:14.000 Well, this article in The Atlantic was really disturbing where they were saying that if the people that are going in to find out if they have COVID, they can't even give them—this was in New York—they couldn't even give them a test because they didn't meet a certain criteria.

01:54:26.000 And if they didn't have it before, they definitely have it now.

01:54:29.000 Oh.

01:54:30.000 Because there's other people in this waiting room, and they're all waiting, and they're all sick and coughing. 1.00

01:54:33.000 Like, fucking Christ. 0.99

01:54:35.000 So what's the point at which you're supposed to go in? 1.00

01:54:38.000 Because— Just get it?

01:54:40.000 Yeah, I mean, what's the point where you should go to the doctor versus sit it out and try to...

01:54:46.000 Because they say 90% of the people that come in have pneumonia or the flu.

01:54:51.000 They don't have COVID. Well, that's the thing is that the flu is still here, right?

01:54:57.000 So it's happening at the same time as the flu.

01:55:01.000 But it's a new thing, obviously.

01:55:02.000 We know what to do with the flu.

01:55:04.000 You can give people Tamiflu.

01:55:05.000 You can get a flu shot.

01:55:08.000 We had Dr. Hotez explain how even if you get a flu shot from the wrong kind of flu, if they make a vaccine, it still has enough of...

01:55:17.000 Right.

01:55:23.000 Right.

01:55:38.000 We don't know.

01:55:41.000 We really don't know.

01:55:42.000 We don't know what's going on.

01:55:44.000 I mean, people talk about all these different treatments that may or may not be effective, but this is too new.

01:55:51.000 For the most part, you really just need a ventilator.

01:55:54.000 I mean, that's the only thing you would need medical care for, right?

01:55:56.000 Because they can't do much for you otherwise.

01:55:58.000 Well, there's been some talk about Z-packs, but there's no definitive evidence.

01:56:03.000 When they run studies like that, it takes a long-ass time.

01:56:07.000 If they're doing double-blind, placebo-controlled studies, trying to find out what does what and what's effective for what.

01:56:13.000 Any kind of clinical trial, I think, takes months, right?

01:56:16.000 Oh, no, a year.

01:56:17.000 It's a year.

01:56:18.000 Is it?

01:56:19.000 Yeah, because they think they've already identified some vaccines, but they said for it to be, you know...

01:56:27.000 If you don't test it, you could put it out and kill as many people with the vaccine.

01:56:30.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:56:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:56:32.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:56:34.000 I know. 1.00

01:56:35.000 And at the same time, Tiger King becomes the number one show in the world.

01:56:41.000 At the same time, a documentary on wild tigers that are in captivity at this crazy dude's place, who's married to two other crazy dudes, who's in a battle with this lady who might have fed her ex-husband to tigers.

01:56:54.000 Alright, don't tell me I haven't seen it yet.

01:56:55.000 Spoiler alert!

01:56:56.000 Yeah.

01:56:57.000 What do you think, Jamie?

01:57:01.000 Did that lady feed her husband to the tiger? 1.00

01:57:03.000 If you had a million dollars to bet.

01:57:05.000 They reopened the case yesterday.

01:57:07.000 Yeah.

01:57:07.000 Or they're looking back into it.

01:57:09.000 They're looking into it.

01:57:09.000 So maybe, I don't know.

01:57:11.000 Bro, if you have a husband that's a millionaire and you raised tigers and then that guy disappears and no one knows where he is, if that happens, I think people should be suspicious.

01:57:21.000 They'd be like, hmm, where is he?

01:57:24.000 You don't know where he is at all?

01:57:25.000 Huh.

01:57:26.000 He just went away.

01:57:27.000 Huh.

01:57:29.000 How many tigers do you have?

01:57:30.000 You have a hundred tigers?

01:57:34.000 Can we see your tigers?

01:57:37.000 Why isn't the documentary about that?

01:57:39.000 A couple words with your tigers. 1.00

01:57:40.000 Trank your tigers and examine their shit and start running through labs like, this human shit here. 1.00

01:57:45.000 This is human. 1.00

01:57:46.000 You ate a human.

01:57:48.000 This tiger ate a human. 1.00

01:57:49.000 Oh my god, this lady fed her fucking husband to tigers. 1.00

01:57:52.000 All she needs is a meat grinder. 1.00

01:57:53.000 She must have a meat grinder. 1.00

01:57:56.000 That's all she needs.

01:57:57.000 She throws the husband in the meat grinder, throws the piles out there where the tigers eat, and they just tear them apart. 0.99

01:58:05.000 Like Scarface.

01:58:06.000 In 97, dude.

01:58:07.000 I think that was a real thing with drug dealers, was getting a tiger for that reason. 0.98

01:58:12.000 Oh, well that's always been a thing with people with pigs.

01:58:15.000 That was in that movie Snatch.

01:58:16.000 Oh, that's right.

01:58:18.000 That's right. 1.00

01:58:19.000 Greedy pigs. 1.00

01:58:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:58:20.000 That guy with the crazy glasses. 1.00

01:58:22.000 Yeah.

01:58:22.000 Who is that dude?

01:58:23.000 That dude from the movie Snatch?

01:58:25.000 That guy's amazing.

01:58:27.000 We've talked about him before.

01:58:29.000 God, I gotta rewatch that movie. 1.00

01:58:30.000 That was a good fucking movie. 1.00

01:58:32.000 He had a cup of tea and these big ass thick glasses and just a totally different kind of gangster. 1.00

01:58:38.000 His name is Alan Ford. 1.00

01:58:39.000 Alan Ford, you fucking legend, sir. 0.99

01:58:42.000 Yeah, that guy's amazing. 0.99

01:58:46.000 There's a new Guy Ritchie movie out right now, right?

01:58:49.000 What is it called?

01:58:50.000 The Gentleman, I believe.

01:58:50.000 Oh, really?

01:58:51.000 It was supposed to be in the movie theaters, but then the COVID hits.

01:58:54.000 Dude, he's one of my all-time favorite people I've ever talked to.

01:58:58.000 Guy Ritchie's an interesting guy.

01:58:59.000 Oh, you had him in?

01:59:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:59:00.000 Oh, no shit. 1.00

01:59:01.000 Yeah, he changed my mind about suits. 1.00

01:59:05.000 He's so passionate about suits.

01:59:08.000 About wearing suits?

01:59:09.000 Owning a suit.

01:59:10.000 Yeah.

01:59:10.000 The way you own it.

01:59:11.000 Oh, is this the new movie?

01:59:13.000 Matthew McConaughey. 1.00

01:59:14.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

01:59:16.000 I'll take it. 1.00

01:59:17.000 Matthew McConaughey and Hugh Grant.

01:59:19.000 Hugh Grant playing a bad guy?

01:59:21.000 Why not?

01:59:22.000 I love it.

01:59:25.000 I have never seen a Guy Ritchie movie that I didn't love.

01:59:29.000 Never one.

01:59:30.000 They're all amazing.

01:59:32.000 Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.

01:59:35.000 That was great.

01:59:36.000 What was the one about the British...

01:59:40.000 Gangsters that move to Spain, and they're retired, and then the guy makes them come back in. 1.00

01:59:46.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:59:46.000 What was that? 1.00

01:59:49.000 What one was that? 0.99

01:59:51.000 That was fucking great. 0.97

01:59:52.000 Let's see his thing here. 0.99

01:59:53.000 Rock and Rolla, maybe?

01:59:55.000 Oh, I think that was it.

01:59:56.000 Was that Rock and Rolla?

01:59:57.000 That was 2008. I know, I don't remember that.

01:59:59.000 No.

02:00:00.000 I never saw Man from Uncle...

02:00:01.000 These are all his movies?

02:00:02.000 Mm-hmm.

02:00:02.000 Really?

02:00:04.000 Wow.

02:00:05.000 Anyway, The Gentleman.

02:00:07.000 So it was supposed to be released...

02:00:10.000 Was it released?

02:00:11.000 I think it did come out actually, but it wasn't out for very long.

02:00:14.000 And then the thing hit.

02:00:17.000 That's one cool thing.

02:00:19.000 Apple TV is letting you buy new movies.

02:00:22.000 You could buy the movies that are supposed to be out in the movie theater.

02:00:25.000 You could rent them on Apple TV. Not all of them, but enough to be like, oh shit, this is a movie movie. 0.98

02:00:32.000 It's out right now. 0.98

02:00:34.000 That's awesome.

02:00:35.000 But there's so many movies.

02:00:36.000 That's the thing that you're realizing, too.

02:00:38.000 If there's ever been a time in human history where you could really entertain yourself without having to go anywhere, it's now.

02:00:44.000 I know. 0.96

02:00:44.000 Before, you'd have to go to the DVD store and get the fucking COVID-infected blockbuster boxes where they'd all be... 0.96

02:00:51.000 Did you spray it? 0.99

02:00:52.000 Did you spray it good?

02:00:53.000 And then maybe some of the spray would get into the tape and it would ruin it. 1.00

02:00:56.000 You'd get the VHS home and be like, fuck! 0.98

02:00:59.000 The domestic box office brought in $5,179 for the week of March 20-26. 1.00

02:01:06.000 Holy shit. 0.69

02:01:07.000 $5,000 down 100% from the $204,193,406 the same week a year ago. 0.99

02:01:20.000 Wow. 0.99

02:01:22.000 Damn. 0.99

02:01:23.000 It was down 100%. 1.00

02:01:30.000 Damn, that's a big loss. 0.98

02:01:31.000 But the restaurant industry, I think, probably took the biggest loss, right? 0.99

02:01:34.000 Or the bars.

02:01:35.000 Bars and restaurants probably took, and comedy clubs, took the biggest loss.

02:01:38.000 Comedy clubs, theaters?

02:01:40.000 Sure.

02:01:41.000 Well, movie theaters and regular theaters, too, right?

02:01:44.000 All theaters.

02:01:45.000 Anything performing.

02:01:46.000 Diaz freaked me out.

02:01:47.000 I was talking to him on the phone yesterday, and he's like, he's like, dog, you think you're going to be playing the funny bone in St. Louis?

02:01:54.000 No. 0.99

02:01:54.000 Chris Rock's gonna be playing that fucking club this year. 0.99

02:01:59.000 Like, all the theater acts are gonna come down to clubs because nobody's gonna be coming out. 0.99

02:02:04.000 It's very possible.

02:02:06.000 We don't know how long this is going to last, man.

02:02:09.000 Or how long people's apprehension about getting into a group is going to last.

02:02:13.000 Even if it clears up next month, it's still going to be a long time before people are comfortable.

02:02:18.000 Well, this also showed people, people that are paying attention to numbers, it showed people the devastation the flu does every year.

02:02:26.000 Until this happened, I had no idea that many people were dying every year from the flu.

02:02:31.000 That's an eye-opener.

02:02:33.000 That alone makes you want to wash your hands more.

02:02:35.000 Yeah.

02:02:36.000 And just kind of be careful when people are coughing.

02:02:39.000 Dude, malaria is still, I think, the number one killer in the world.

02:02:43.000 They think malaria has killed...

02:02:45.000 Did we figure out... 0.83

02:02:46.000 This has come up about four different times, and every time, I forget whether or not the statistic is bullshit, but I think they think half of all the people have died ever. 0.77

02:02:55.000 That was the theory. 0.91

02:02:57.000 We're killed by malaria. 1.00

02:02:58.000 No shit. 0.99

02:02:59.000 So if you took all the people that have ever died, like 10 billion people that have ever died, 5 billion died from malaria. 0.99

02:03:05.000 Wow.

02:03:06.000 That's the number. 0.99

02:03:07.000 It's a shitty way to die, too. 0.99

02:03:08.000 Bro. 0.98

02:03:09.000 My friend Justin Wren has gotten it three times.

02:03:12.000 He runs the Fight for the Forgotten Charity, going to the Congo and building wells for the Pygmies. 1.00

02:03:17.000 Oh, really?

02:03:18.000 Yeah.

02:03:18.000 Oh, wow.

02:03:19.000 He's been there.

02:03:20.000 He's a fighter.

02:03:21.000 He fought for the UFC and...

02:03:24.000 I don't remember exactly how he initially made his trip over to the Congo, but he fell in love with these pygmy people and started helping them, trying to figure out how to get them wells built and fresh water, because a lot of their problems were these diseases that we're getting from pathogens in the water. 0.99

02:03:42.000 Because they're just stagnant water, no way to fix it.

02:03:45.000 And so he developed this charity, Fight for the Forgotten, and started going back and forth over there.

02:03:50.000 But in the meantime, he's gotten malaria three different times.

02:03:54.000 One time he got sick and the malaria came back.

02:03:56.000 So it was like, it wasn't even, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even think he was reinfected.

02:04:01.000 He thinks it rekindled inside of his body when he got sick.

02:04:04.000 His immune system was down and there was like a hint of malaria still in his body and it reignited. 0.96

02:04:12.000 That's what fucked me up too, paying attention to this.

02:04:14.000 We have viruses all the time in our body that are just kind of duking it out. 0.80

02:04:19.000 Yeah.

02:04:21.000 There's a war being waged.

02:04:24.000 And that the common cold is also a type of coronavirus.

02:04:28.000 Oh, is that right?

02:04:29.000 Yeah.

02:04:29.000 Huh.

02:04:30.000 Yeah.

02:04:31.000 Make sure that's true.

02:04:33.000 Closer to four to five percent, I think, of the total people ever.

02:04:36.000 Four or five percent?

02:04:38.000 Somewhere between four and five percent.

02:04:39.000 Oh, well, that's way different than 50. The limit doesn't sound as good.

02:04:43.000 The other one sounds better.

02:04:44.000 Let's keep lying.

02:04:45.000 Five percent is a lot.

02:04:47.000 It's still a phenomenal amount.

02:04:49.000 There's still a lot of all the people that have died ever.

02:04:50.000 And it's not like it's gone down.

02:04:52.000 I mean, unless they get rid of mosquitoes.

02:04:54.000 There will always be.

02:04:55.000 And I think that is a possibility.

02:04:57.000 That's something they've talked about doing, is engineering some new kind of mosquito that doesn't breed, or some mosquito that kills other mosquitoes, or something along those lines.

02:05:09.000 They've had a couple of different things that they've tried to figure out how to do.

02:05:12.000 But the problem is, once you do that, You know, you let that cat out of the bag.

02:05:18.000 I know.

02:05:18.000 You kill all the mosquitoes, then you find out the mosquitoes with a glue that holds the whole thing together.

02:05:22.000 Yeah, the lizards were eating the mosquitoes and the cats were eating the lizards. 0.99

02:05:26.000 Who knows what kind of shit could go down if you got rid of mosquitoes. 0.99

02:05:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:05:31.000 But they do carry a lot of disgusting things. 0.99

02:05:34.000 They're dirty blood. 0.98

02:05:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:05:37.000 The dirty saliva.

02:05:38.000 They'd sting you and give you a malaria disease.

02:05:42.000 Dude, people were worried.

02:05:43.000 Remember when AIDS first came out?

02:05:45.000 People were worried that mosquitoes were going to pass it around.

02:05:48.000 Oh yeah, definitely.

02:05:49.000 People were like, what?

02:05:50.000 They carry malaria? 1.00

02:05:51.000 Why the fuck can't they carry that? 1.00

02:05:53.000 Well, that's the thing about all these pandemics is like, you know, coronavirus is actually kind of a pussy. 1.00

02:05:59.000 I mean, it's easy to kill. 0.98

02:06:01.000 There's other viruses which are much tougher, but it has a very thin membrane.

02:06:05.000 It's a fatty membrane that goes over it.

02:06:07.000 And, you know, foam from soap.

02:06:10.000 By the way, make sure when you wash your hands, get a lot of foam going.

02:06:14.000 That's actually the thing that kills the corona.

02:06:17.000 Really?

02:06:17.000 Yeah.

02:06:18.000 Foam.

02:06:18.000 Yeah, foam it up.

02:06:19.000 And get your thumbs, for God's sake. 1.00

02:06:21.000 Don't forget your goddamn thumbs. 0.99

02:06:23.000 It's a new strain of coronavirus not previously seen in humans. 1.00

02:06:26.000 For other strains of coronavirus are very common.

02:06:29.000 It usually only cause mild symptoms like the common cold.

02:06:32.000 Yeah.

02:06:34.000 Yeah.

02:06:37.000 What were we just talking about?

02:06:39.000 We were talking about washing hands.

02:06:42.000 Malaria.

02:06:43.000 Malaria.

02:06:45.000 Coronavirus. 1.00

02:06:45.000 That it's a pussy? 1.00

02:06:47.000 It's kind of easy to kill? 1.00

02:06:48.000 That's what it was.

02:06:50.000 Because there was this other thing that I talked about with Osterholm that scared me way more than that.

02:06:55.000 I mean, it's scary, for sure.

02:06:57.000 Don't get me wrong.

02:06:58.000 But there's this chronic wasting disease that they found in deer, and it's 100% fatal.

02:07:05.000 And it's a prion disease, the same kind of disease as mad cow disease was.

02:07:09.000 And the same as mad cow disease made the jump to humans, then it became very dangerous.

02:07:14.000 And some people to this day, they can't give blood because they were alive eating blood.

02:07:19.000 Cheeseburgers during the mad cow days. 0.78

02:07:21.000 Maybe they've released that.

02:07:22.000 I don't know.

02:07:23.000 But for a long time they couldn't give blood because the idea would be that you still have these prions in your system.

02:07:28.000 They took these surgical instruments that they used on patients who died of mad cow disease and they ran these surgical instruments through these sanitization machines.

02:07:38.000 The sanitizing process three times.

02:07:42.000 Three times.

02:07:42.000 Like a thousand degree temperature.

02:07:44.000 Couldn't kill it.

02:07:45.000 Wow.

02:07:45.000 Three times, still had living prions on the surgical equipment.

02:07:50.000 Damn! 1.00

02:07:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:07:53.000 And all we gotta do is soap it up, sing happy birthday twice, done.

02:07:56.000 Yeah, this is nothing in comparison to something that could happen to us if chronic wasting disease ever made the leap from deer to human. 1.00

02:08:05.000 Shit! 1.00

02:08:06.000 Yeah, it's very spooky. 0.99

02:08:07.000 And I've...

02:08:09.000 I had my friend Doug Dern and Brian...

02:08:12.000 What's his name again?

02:08:13.000 Richard...

02:08:15.000 Don't guess.

02:08:16.000 Richards?

02:08:17.000 I think you're right.

02:08:20.000 Who's a biologist, who's explained, and a wildlife expert, explained all of it to us.

02:08:26.000 Like, what it is, how it's happened, how it's spread, it's spreading from deer, and to the end is horrific.

02:08:31.000 We watched a video of one of them where they're wasting away and they're spitting...

02:08:35.000 So this fluid that's coming out of their body is contaminated and then deer will come along and eat the leaves that have that prion on it and take it in and then it'll get chronic wasting disease and then it'll rot away and it's spitting out the stuff and then other deer eating it.

02:08:50.000 Oh, God.

02:08:50.000 Dude, it's horrific.

02:08:53.000 And it's 100% fatal.

02:08:54.000 So think about what we've got, that your immune system, you know, for the vast majority of the people is going to fight off.

02:09:00.000 It's tragic, the people that don't, not diminishing that at all.

02:09:03.000 That's not what I'm saying.

02:09:04.000 But there's a giant difference between something that Idris Elba gets and shows no weaknesses, shows no symptoms rather, or Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson get it and they get over it.

02:09:14.000 It's rough, but they get over it and they survive.

02:09:16.000 Versus prions. 0.51

02:09:18.000 They kill 100% of all the deer that they infect.

02:09:21.000 They're all dead.

02:09:22.000 And they waste away. 1.00

02:09:23.000 They waste away to nothing.

02:09:25.000 It's ugly.

02:09:26.000 Wow.

02:09:27.000 Jesus.

02:09:27.000 And they're like, look, this guy was sounding the warning bell.

02:09:30.000 He was like, these have made the jump to mice.

02:09:32.000 And the prions have made the jump from animals to people. 0.90

02:09:35.000 This is totally possible.

02:09:37.000 This can happen.

02:09:38.000 Yeah.

02:09:39.000 And it's like right now, it's like this like silent thing that they're just keeping an eye on and it's spreading across the country and people don't know.

02:09:45.000 Like there's places where people have stopped eating deer meat.

02:09:48.000 And there's checkpoints.

02:09:49.000 We have to bring the deer in, like Wisconsin, where my friend Doug lives, where they bring the deer in, they have to test them.

02:09:54.000 Before you can eat this deer, you have to test it for CWD. And the thing is, it hasn't made the jump to people, but who's going to take that risk?

02:10:04.000 You're going to eat this deer sausage that came from a deer that has CWD, but it's never made the jump to people, so have the sausage.

02:10:11.000 You're like, what?

02:10:12.000 I'm not eating that.

02:10:13.000 The thing definitely had it.

02:10:15.000 It was definitely positive.

02:10:16.000 Because a lot of times they're positive for like a year.

02:10:18.000 So they're running around like looking like a regular deer and you shoot it and you cook it and eat it and you're eating the prions.

02:10:24.000 They just don't affect your brain yet.

02:10:27.000 About 7,000 to 15,000 animals infected with CWD are eaten each year.

02:10:33.000 And that number could rise by 20% annually according to the Alliance for Public Wildlife, which Osterholm cited in his testimony.

02:10:41.000 Scientists can't say for sure that CWD will cross over and infect humans, but as time goes on and more infected meat is consumed, the likelihood increases, Osterholm said.

02:10:55.000 It's like a throw at the genetic roulette table, he said. 1.00

02:10:58.000 Fuck that. 1.00

02:11:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:04.000 What if that gets into the cows?

02:11:06.000 What if that gets into your cheeseburger?

02:11:10.000 This is maybe what the whole vegan movement's about.

02:11:13.000 Maybe they're trying to protect us from an ultimate attack.

02:11:17.000 What if that's the only people that survive?

02:11:18.000 Can you imagine how annoying the earth will become?

02:11:24.000 Everybody will be thin and...

02:11:26.000 I know.

02:11:26.000 Super self-righteous.

02:11:28.000 All the guys would have to have man buns. 0.97

02:11:31.000 You have to.

02:11:32.000 Yeah, meat eaters would get a Velcro man bun and put it on just to get through security.

02:11:37.000 Yeah, you got to.

02:11:39.000 You couldn't eat meat anymore.

02:11:41.000 Everybody was dying of chronic wasting disease.

02:11:43.000 Yeah.

02:11:43.000 Imagine, man.

02:11:45.000 Again, these are possible.

02:11:48.000 There's been a bunch of different horrific...

02:11:51.000 There's been 15 pandemics, they say, in the last 300 years?

02:11:56.000 No, more than that.

02:11:57.000 3,000 years.

02:11:58.000 I'm sure.

02:11:59.000 There have been more than that, I'm sure.

02:12:01.000 There's been a bunch recently.

02:12:03.000 We were reading them off recently, like ones that were considered pandemic.

02:12:06.000 H1N1 was considered pandemic.

02:12:09.000 There was 15 of something.

02:12:11.000 Maybe it's not a pandemic then.

02:12:13.000 H1N1, what was the number again, Jamie?

02:12:15.000 It was like more than 50,000 dead in this country.

02:12:18.000 In this country?

02:12:20.000 Yeah.

02:12:20.000 No!

02:12:21.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:12:22.000 Fuck, I didn't know that. 1.00

02:12:24.000 Well, that's this country. 1.00

02:12:26.000 Total.

02:12:27.000 Total in the world?

02:12:29.000 But are you sure that's America or the rest of the world?

02:12:33.000 The very next thing below it says estimated 151 to 575,000 people died during the first year.

02:12:40.000 Okay, so 575,000 in the world, but only 18,000 in America?

02:12:46.000 What was the one that got the big number?

02:12:48.000 If I'm wrong about H1N1, there was one that had a really large number where you're like, what?

02:12:55.000 Remember I read you those quotes the other day?

02:12:57.000 Did we ever figure out if those are real?

02:13:00.000 There was one...

02:13:02.000 Okay, yeah total US cases, oh that's what it is.

02:13:07.000 There's the one from, death rates range from 3 to 33 percent.

02:13:14.000 Swine flu, 12,469 deaths in the United States according to CDC from April 2009 to April 2010. What about the 2017 to 2018 H2N3? That one it says killed, it says killed 61,000 Americans,

02:13:31.000 is that the one?

02:13:34.000 H2N3 from 2017, but again...

02:13:36.000 That's in 1968. Is it?

02:13:38.000 It says 17 to 18. No, H2N3. Oh, sorry. 1.00

02:13:44.000 Did I say it wrong?

02:13:45.000 No, no.

02:13:45.000 I'm looking at one that's just dyslexic back the other way.

02:13:49.000 Estimated infected 894,000 people got the flu.

02:13:53.000 Overall death rate was 7.5% with a peak in January 2018 of 10.8% fatality rate.

02:14:01.000 Whoa.

02:14:01.000 Yeah.

02:14:02.000 I don't know if that's true though.

02:14:03.000 This is a text that a doctor sent me, who's a wise man, but we have done zero research.

02:14:09.000 Right.

02:14:09.000 So that's why I'm trying to find out.

02:14:10.000 Well, 10% I think is a death rate for Corona, isn't it?

02:14:13.000 Oh no, it's about 2%.

02:14:14.000 That was what it was in Italy.

02:14:16.000 I think that's the influenza A. Influenza A. Is H3N2. And how many people did that kill?

02:14:26.000 So how come there wasn't social distancing and all this stuff for...

02:14:30.000 I think the idea is that the flu is something we're prepared for.

02:14:35.000 We have flu shots.

02:14:37.000 We have Tamiflu.

02:14:39.000 We're prepared for someone getting a bad case of the flu.

02:14:42.000 We're prepared for the flu.

02:14:43.000 This is something that nobody saw coming.

02:14:45.000 It directly affects your respiratory system.

02:14:48.000 They said Dr. Hotez yesterday was trying to explain that it was basically five times more deadly than the flu and five times more contagious.

02:14:56.000 Okay.

02:14:56.000 So it's a perfect combination, and a great number of people are asymptomatic.

02:15:01.000 So they get it and nothing happens.

02:15:03.000 It spreads more.

02:15:03.000 And they spread it, and then the people that it infects, it infects a lot of people from them, and it is really bad for the people that it's really bad for.

02:15:13.000 It's weird.

02:15:14.000 And this is one of the things that he was kind of highlighting, that it's a very strange one.

02:15:18.000 Okay.

02:15:19.000 Influenza has caused up to 57,300 deaths and sickened up to 41.3 million people, according to new estimates.

02:15:28.000 In the last year?

02:15:29.000 This was posted a year ago, so this would have been for the previous year.

02:15:34.000 So that was the 2007, I think, 2017-2018 year.

02:15:39.000 That's the 57,000 year.

02:15:40.000 57,000 Americans died in one year of the flu? 1.00

02:15:43.000 No shit! 1.00

02:15:45.000 I know, that's what's crazy. 1.00

02:15:46.000 Damn! 0.99

02:15:47.000 Well, you've got to think, Greg, about the numbers of us. 0.99

02:15:51.000 This is what we have to think.

02:15:52.000 The scale.

02:15:53.000 And again, this is not diminishing because people want to get upset at these kind of things.

02:15:57.000 I'm not diminishing at all the impact of the coronavirus and what's happening right now.

02:16:02.000 And it's different, for sure.

02:16:04.000 It's definitely worse.

02:16:05.000 But what I'm saying is...

02:16:07.000 Most of us weren't truly aware of the numbers of people that are affected by the flu until this.

02:16:13.000 Until you're looking at those numbers and you go, wait, wait, how many?

02:16:16.000 And then you think, we're dealing with 330 million people?

02:16:21.000 330 million or whatever it is?

02:16:23.000 And how many of them are getting sick?

02:16:24.000 How many people do you know that get really sick?

02:16:26.000 How many people do you know that are sick already and then they get really sick and then they die?

02:16:29.000 How many people do you know that have cancer and they're going through chemo and then they get sick and they die?

02:16:32.000 It happens. 1.00

02:16:33.000 There's so many fucking people. 1.00

02:16:35.000 That when the flu comes along, anyone that catches it that's in a compromised state is in trouble. 1.00

02:16:41.000 Kids are in trouble.

02:16:42.000 Old people are in trouble. 1.00

02:16:43.000 I was going to say, kids, I think, are more in danger of the flu than they are of corona.

02:16:47.000 And corona seems to affect the elderly more.

02:16:49.000 Right.

02:16:49.000 Yeah.

02:16:50.000 It's a different disease.

02:16:51.000 Although I got a friend who works in an ER in New York who says that originally it was older people and now they're seeing a lot of people in their 20s coming in and not just getting it but dying from it.

02:17:01.000 Jesus.

02:17:03.000 Yeah, they think there's a bunch of different factors and they don't know what they are.

02:17:06.000 They think it might be genetic.

02:17:07.000 There might be different blood types.

02:17:09.000 It might be people that vape might have an issue.

02:17:11.000 People that smoke seem to certainly have an issue and they think maybe that's part of the reason why Italy has such a high death rate.

02:17:17.000 Oh, right.

02:17:17.000 And men have a higher rate than women because they smoke more.

02:17:19.000 And they're gross and they don't wash their hands. 0.98

02:17:21.000 That's right. 0.99

02:17:24.000 What if it only grew on balls? 0.98

02:17:26.000 We'd be dead from just constantly having our hands on our pants. 1.00

02:17:30.000 Women would want us to get our balls cut off just like they do to dogs. 1.00

02:17:34.000 They're like, look, the best way to make a dog calm is you cut their balls off. 1.00

02:17:38.000 Right. 0.99

02:17:39.000 And it's a win-win, honey.

02:17:40.000 Yes.

02:17:41.000 That's what they're going to do to people.

02:17:42.000 That's how we're going to become those aliens that we were talking about before.

02:17:45.000 Yeah.

02:17:46.000 That's the obvious next step for people.

02:17:48.000 It's obvious.

02:17:49.000 You go from original ancient primate to human being to alien.

02:17:55.000 That's the next step.

02:17:56.000 No gender. 0.98

02:17:58.000 Chop it all off.

02:17:58.000 That's what all this gender neutral, gender this, gender that, gender norms, all the battling going on about gender that never existed before.

02:18:06.000 It's a slow slide into neutering all the males. 0.66

02:18:09.000 Yeah.

02:18:09.000 Because that's the only way it's going to work out.

02:18:11.000 And we'll be happier too, Joe.

02:18:13.000 We won't have to feel the pressure of breeding anymore.

02:18:16.000 We're all going to listen to Lizzo. 1.00

02:18:18.000 I'm a hundred percent that bitch. 1.00

02:18:24.000 We're all going to be jokes, man. 1.00

02:18:26.000 But at least we're going to understand why each other's are mad.

02:18:28.000 Then we're going to get it.

02:18:30.000 We'll go, oh, now I know why you're mad.

02:18:33.000 I never thought that way before.

02:18:35.000 Right, right.

02:18:37.000 Boy, I'm surprised you weren't more mad.

02:18:39.000 That was one of the funniest things.

02:18:42.000 I was watching this documentary about this lady who converted into a man. 0.98

02:18:47.000 And she was talking about the difference being once she got testosterone and they started shooting her up with testosterone and her clit started growing. 1.00

02:18:55.000 She was like, oh, okay, I get it. 0.80

02:19:00.000 She's like, now I know.

02:19:02.000 I thought the way you guys felt was like the same way we felt.

02:19:06.000 That's interesting.

02:19:07.000 She's like, I've never been this horny in my life. 0.98

02:19:10.000 Yeah?

02:19:10.000 Yeah.

02:19:11.000 You get it now.

02:19:12.000 Yeah, it's a different thing.

02:19:14.000 God.

02:19:14.000 The male horny is a pursuing horny.

02:19:19.000 It's an aggressive, like, I gotta take care of this!

02:19:22.000 Jesus! 1.00

02:19:23.000 Like a young kid, like an 18-year-old kid, like, fuck! 1.00

02:19:27.000 The agony. 1.00

02:19:28.000 Agony!

02:19:29.000 Agony.

02:19:30.000 And all-consuming.

02:19:31.000 You couldn't think about anything.

02:19:33.000 You couldn't be in a room with a nun without having a dirty thought. 1.00

02:19:37.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

02:19:38.000 And once you got your first sexual experience, once a girl, a cute young girl your age, slides your penis into her mouth, you're like, oh my Jesus, this is better than anything I've ever done by far. 1.00

02:19:51.000 I'm going to focus solely on this for the next two decades. 1.00

02:19:55.000 Dude, when your first girlfriend is rubbing your balls while you're ejaculating into her mouth, you're like, what could be better than this? 1.00

02:20:01.000 You're telling me there's a thing better? 1.00

02:20:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:20:03.000 Because I say horseshit. 0.99

02:20:04.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:20:04.000 Because my whole life, I thought tens were tens, and now everything other than this is like a three. 0.97

02:20:11.000 Yeah.

02:20:11.000 So all the tens, like, oh, Star Wars is amazing.

02:20:13.000 Star Wars can suck a fucking pail of these dicks. 1.00

02:20:17.000 Right, right. 1.00

02:20:17.000 Fuck you. 1.00

02:20:18.000 Star Wars sucks compared to blowjobs. 1.00

02:20:20.000 Right. 1.00

02:20:21.000 And for women, a nice cuddle feels like a 10, and everything else goes down to a 3. Listen, bro, some girls are dirty. 1.00

02:20:28.000 I remember this girl that I dated when I was 17. We were both around the same age. 0.94

02:20:32.000 She would get so wet that it would... 1.00

02:20:35.000 And this is kind of...

02:20:36.000 I shouldn't even talk about her.

02:20:37.000 Let's talk about her after she turned 18. After she turned 18...

02:20:40.000 We're both, let's make it so we're both well legal.

02:20:46.000 I was 19, she was 18, okay?

02:20:48.000 She would get so wet, it would drip down her thighs.

02:20:52.000 Her inner thigh would have like a trail of tears, like tears. 0.98

02:20:55.000 Like she was crying.

02:20:57.000 Was she a squirter? 1.00

02:20:58.000 No, she was just horny. 1.00

02:21:00.000 Wow. 1.00

02:21:00.000 She's a horny little Irish girl. 1.00

02:21:02.000 Damn. 1.00

02:21:02.000 But that's humans at 18. Yeah. 1.00

02:21:05.000 That's what it's like.

02:21:06.000 Yeah.

02:21:06.000 We forgot.

02:21:07.000 Dude, we're in our 50s.

02:21:09.000 We're old, broken-down jalopies.

02:21:12.000 These new kids are out there, you know? 0.99

02:21:14.000 They're fucking supercharged Corvettes. 0.99

02:21:18.000 And they're running around with boners trying to figure out life. 0.99

02:21:21.000 And thank God they're gonna make machinery for them soon. 0.96

02:21:24.000 They're gonna have robots out there that take care of these young men.

02:21:27.000 Do you think so?

02:21:27.000 Oh yeah!

02:21:28.000 No one's gonna want it.

02:21:30.000 You're gonna want a real girl. 0.99

02:21:33.000 Well, what about the guys who can't get a real girl? 0.58

02:21:36.000 Still not good enough.

02:21:37.000 Still weird.

02:21:38.000 Yeah.

02:21:38.000 Like Ex Machina.

02:21:40.000 Yeah.

02:21:40.000 Like Ex Machina.

02:21:42.000 If that guy met like a really cool chick who's like, don't you think it's a little fucked up that you want to fuck that robot lady? 1.00

02:21:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:21:48.000 He's like, it is a little fucked up. 1.00

02:21:49.000 She's like, you know, I like you. 0.99

02:21:51.000 And he's like, you really like me?

02:21:52.000 Yeah, I like you.

02:21:53.000 I'm a person.

02:21:53.000 I like you.

02:21:54.000 Let's get the fuck out of here. 0.99

02:21:55.000 He's like, yeah, let's get the fuck out of here. 0.99

02:21:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:21:57.000 And the robot would kill both of them. 1.00

02:21:59.000 Robot would find them. 1.00

02:22:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:22:00.000 Kill them both. 1.00

02:22:01.000 Right. 1.00

02:22:01.000 No emotion. 1.00

02:22:02.000 Just stab them in the heart. 1.00

02:22:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:22:05.000 Did you see that movie?

02:22:06.000 Ex Machina?

02:22:07.000 Yeah, it was great.

02:22:08.000 The end scene is like, whoa.

02:22:09.000 Of course.

02:22:10.000 Why would they have emotions?

02:22:11.000 So well written.

02:22:12.000 So good. 1.00

02:22:13.000 It was such a fucking... 1.00

02:22:14.000 Did not see that coming. 1.00

02:22:16.000 Yeah.

02:22:16.000 That girl?

02:22:17.000 Who's the girl that played... 0.56

02:22:20.000 The number one robot in Ex Machina. 0.99

02:22:23.000 She's fucking amazing. 0.98

02:22:24.000 She's really great. 1.00

02:22:25.000 You buy it.

02:22:26.000 Hook, line, and sinker.

02:22:28.000 Yeah.

02:22:28.000 Hook, line, and sinker.

02:22:29.000 She's a hot robot. 1.00

02:22:30.000 She got in shape for that role. 0.97

02:22:32.000 I think she's got a fake body. 1.00

02:22:34.000 What do you mean she got in shape for that role?

02:22:35.000 No, it was based on her real body, wasn't it?

02:22:37.000 Why would it be?

02:22:39.000 You can just lay around the couch and they'll turn you into some translucent thing with wires.

02:22:43.000 You don't have to have a hot body.

02:22:44.000 Imagine if that was the only thing they couldn't do.

02:22:47.000 Like, we can give you this crazy robot-looking body.

02:22:50.000 Alicia Vikander.

02:22:54.000 What else has she been in?

02:22:56.000 Swedish actress.

02:22:57.000 What else has that lady been in? 1.00

02:22:59.000 Tomb Raider?

02:23:00.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:23:01.000 Well, Jason Bourne.

02:23:03.000 Oh, the Danish girl. 0.99

02:23:04.000 Well, she's fucking amazing in that movie. 1.00

02:23:06.000 Just amazing. 0.99

02:23:08.000 But imagine if they couldn't change the shape.

02:23:10.000 Like, you gotta get down to a really sexy shape and then we'll do the rest. 1.00

02:23:13.000 Right.

02:23:14.000 Like, you're turning me into a robot?

02:23:15.000 Yeah.

02:23:16.000 I can't just eat chips?

02:23:18.000 No.

02:23:19.000 Sorry.

02:23:19.000 Yeah.

02:23:20.000 The only way we can do it is the actual shape of your body.

02:23:22.000 You gotta meet us halfway.

02:23:24.000 Yeah.

02:23:24.000 It's gotta be exact.

02:23:25.000 Yeah.

02:23:25.000 And then we'll turn you into a robot.

02:23:28.000 In other words, we'll freeze you at that size.

02:23:32.000 I think one day you're going to go over your buddy's house.

02:23:34.000 And you're going to knock on the door.

02:23:36.000 He's going to open up the door.

02:23:37.000 You're going to go inside.

02:23:38.000 And you're going to see this sexy maid in lingerie, in high heels, with like a push-up bra. 1.00

02:23:47.000 And she's hot as fuck. 1.00

02:23:48.000 And she's like, oh, hi, Greg. 1.00

02:23:50.000 And you go to your friend.

02:23:52.000 Hey, man, is she real?

02:23:54.000 And he goes...

02:23:59.000 What's real?

02:24:03.000 Is that boner real?

02:24:04.000 Because I see a boner right now. 1.00

02:24:06.000 She's a super hot porn star looking lady with the fake tits, but they're real, right? 1.00

02:24:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:24:14.000 Because it's a biological thing that they've built. 1.00

02:24:18.000 Well, right, if they're fake tits anyway. 1.00

02:24:20.000 But these are real. 0.98

02:24:21.000 I've been married since fake tits have been around, so I don't really know what it's like to interact with fake tits. 1.00

02:24:28.000 But it seems to me that if the vagina and the tits are really the key points for making love, then who cares if the rest of the body is fake? 0.99

02:24:39.000 Interesting thought. 0.99

02:24:40.000 Yeah, like a fake arm.

02:24:42.000 Yeah.

02:24:43.000 Make it all fake. 0.99

02:24:45.000 But what if she's, like, jerking you off with a fake arm? 0.99

02:24:47.000 And you're like, no, no, no, use the real one. 0.99

02:24:51.000 But the fake one's more sensitive.

02:24:53.000 The real one, I get twitches sometimes.

02:24:55.000 It's just like, I don't know.

02:24:57.000 Use the real one.

02:24:58.000 Like the bionic man, one's real and one's... 0.95

02:25:00.000 Yeah, you don't want to get jerked off by the fake one. 0.98

02:25:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:25:02.000 Like, I want you to do it. 0.99

02:25:03.000 Like, do your real hand.

02:25:05.000 This is weird.

02:25:06.000 Yeah.

02:25:07.000 I don't want you using a tool on me.

02:25:09.000 You know?

02:25:10.000 Or at least the palm.

02:25:11.000 You commit to letting someone use something on you.

02:25:14.000 Yeah.

02:25:15.000 You know?

02:25:16.000 Commit to someone who wants to put a vibrator in your tank. 1.00

02:25:18.000 Like, hey, hey, hey, hey.

02:25:20.000 It's not real.

02:25:21.000 Let's just hang out.

02:25:22.000 Yeah.

02:25:27.000 You don't have to use a Theragun on my taint.

02:25:30.000 Right.

02:25:30.000 Let's just talk.

02:25:33.000 Yeah.

02:25:34.000 You don't have to do that.

02:25:39.000 God, I remember there was this girl in college and she used to chain smoke and drink tab all day. 1.00

02:25:47.000 Everything about her was just kind of manufactured and, you know, just perfect.

02:25:52.000 Just perfect.

02:25:54.000 And I remember one time, I was over her house, and we'd kind of broken up, and she'd had a party, and she's like, hey, why don't you stick around?

02:25:59.000 I was like, nah, I'm going to head out.

02:26:01.000 She's like, no, stay, stay.

02:26:03.000 I was like, nah.

02:26:04.000 She's like, I have toys.

02:26:05.000 I'm like, all right, let's crack another beer and hang out for a little while.

02:26:08.000 You have toys!

02:26:10.000 That was what took you over the top?

02:26:12.000 Because I'd never played with toys. 0.99

02:26:14.000 And she opened up her bottom drawer of her dresser, and it was like a fucking hardware store. 0.99

02:26:20.000 All different sizes and shapes. 0.99

02:26:24.000 Do you remember post 9-11 when Stan Hope would travel with a suitcase filled with dildos?

02:26:29.000 No!

02:26:30.000 Yes!

02:26:31.000 That was his thing?

02:26:32.000 That was his thing.

02:26:33.000 Stan Hope would travel with a whole suitcase filled with dildos.

02:26:36.000 Ah, that's great!

02:26:39.000 Like a shoe salesman.

02:26:40.000 Let me show you my wares.

02:26:43.000 I mean, they're 100% legal to have.

02:26:45.000 Yeah.

02:26:45.000 So he would just get checked at every TSA. They'd be like, what in the fuck?

02:26:49.000 And they'd open up his bag. 1.00

02:26:51.000 Just dicks. 1.00

02:26:52.000 Rubber dicks. 1.00

02:26:53.000 But what kind of girl do you go back to his hotel room and he opens up his suitcase and you just start using them? 0.99

02:26:59.000 Same kind of girl that loves Stanhope.

02:27:02.000 Yeah, that's right.

02:27:03.000 Perfect.

02:27:03.000 Perfect gal.

02:27:05.000 Yep.

02:27:05.000 You know, it's a...

02:27:07.000 He just wipes it down with his tie.

02:27:08.000 Just good old honest advertising.

02:27:14.000 Now listen, I see that you like me and you've come back to my room.

02:27:18.000 Can I assume I can put hardware that's been in other women inside of you right now? 1.00

02:27:22.000 Yes.

02:27:23.000 Sure.

02:27:24.000 Let's do it.

02:27:24.000 Let's smoke cigarettes, too.

02:27:25.000 Yeah.

02:27:26.000 Yeah.

02:27:30.000 Let's take some mushrooms, smoke a cigarette. 1.00

02:27:33.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:27:33.000 Let's make some phone calls too. 1.00

02:27:35.000 Filthy dildos inside of me. 0.93

02:27:37.000 Every time I get a phone call from Stan Hope, it's like, oh yeah, I hope he's drunk. 0.70

02:27:41.000 What do you got?

02:27:42.000 What are you doing?

02:27:42.000 Where are you at right now?

02:27:45.000 He got into yoga for a while.

02:27:47.000 No, not yoga.

02:27:47.000 Biking and hiking.

02:27:49.000 Hell yeah?

02:27:49.000 Yeah, no, he did yoga too.

02:27:51.000 Yeah, he met this lady down in Tucson. 0.60

02:27:54.000 He was writing a book.

02:27:55.000 And she's... 0.98

02:28:00.000 She was a cyclist, right?

02:28:02.000 I'm trying to look.

02:28:03.000 I remember, yeah.

02:28:04.000 Anyway, she got him to stop drinking for a while, start eating healthy, start exercising, start riding a bike, and she was getting him to do it on a regular basis.

02:28:15.000 Huh.

02:28:16.000 Yeah, I was like, what?

02:28:17.000 How is this possible?

02:28:19.000 I don't know if he maintained...

02:28:22.000 I always assume it was just a cleansing period before we'd hop back on the booze.

02:28:27.000 Yeah, I think that makes...

02:28:30.000 Being a drunk could get boring if you never took a break.

02:28:32.000 You gotta step away once in a while, clean it up, and then feel the joy of going back down into the darkness.

02:28:38.000 Yeah.

02:28:39.000 You know, I talked to Ari Shafir yesterday, or I texted with Ari.

02:28:43.000 He's quarantined himself in Maryland for two weeks.

02:28:48.000 He's run out of edibles, and he's not smoking it because he thinks it makes you vulnerable to corona.

02:28:54.000 So he's doing yoga, living a clean life.

02:28:58.000 Good for him.

02:28:59.000 Yeah.

02:28:59.000 So he's going to do that for two weeks, and then he's going to move in with his folks, right?

02:29:02.000 Yeah.

02:29:03.000 Yeah.

02:29:03.000 I think he just decided to...

02:29:06.000 Play it that way.

02:29:07.000 Smart move coming from New York, because that's where Michael Yeo got it.

02:29:10.000 That's where there's the most cases in the country right now.

02:29:13.000 Meanwhile, they say more cases in the United States and more deaths in the United States than China.

02:29:20.000 I don't buy that.

02:29:21.000 I was reading that this scientist was saying that is literally almost impossible.

02:29:26.000 You're dealing with a country that has three times the amount of people and it broke out there.

02:29:32.000 So there's three times the amount of people that broke out there.

02:29:35.000 It's been going on far longer than it's been going on here.

02:29:37.000 And they're saying there's less deaths in China than there are here and less people infected?

02:29:41.000 Yeah.

02:29:42.000 Highly suspicious.

02:29:44.000 China concealed extent of virus outbreak, U.S. intelligence says.

02:29:49.000 That's from Bloomberg.

02:29:51.000 Yeah.

02:29:51.000 That should say, duh, under it.

02:29:54.000 Yeah.

02:29:55.000 Yeah, of course they did.

02:29:56.000 Now, when they shoot you for reporting the truth?

02:29:58.000 Yeah.

02:29:59.000 Dude, there's 21 million people missing from their cell phone database there.

02:30:04.000 Really?

02:30:05.000 21 million.

02:30:07.000 That doesn't mean that 21 million people are dead from the virus, but let's just say it's only 10% of those people.

02:30:13.000 Yeah.

02:30:14.000 Let's say it's that.

02:30:15.000 That's 2 million people dead.

02:30:16.000 Right.

02:30:17.000 Let's say it's 10% of that.

02:30:19.000 Come on, man.

02:30:20.000 200,000 people dead?

02:30:21.000 How many people really died?

02:30:23.000 Is it really only 30,000 or whatever they said?

02:30:25.000 How many did they say died?

02:30:28.000 It's not that many.

02:30:29.000 Well, they've also loosened up their restrictions now, so if it didn't get...

02:30:35.000 If it didn't get that bad, it will get that bad because it'll have a boomerang now that they open it up again.

02:30:41.000 Well, they tried to open up movie theaters and then they immediately closed them back down again.

02:30:46.000 As soon as they relaxed things, the divorce rate went up, shot through the roof in China.

02:30:53.000 3,000 deaths. 1.00

02:30:55.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

02:30:56.000 Yeah, right. 0.99

02:30:58.000 81,000 cases.

02:30:58.000 We have way more cases.

02:31:00.000 Only 3,000 deaths.

02:31:02.000 We have more deaths.

02:31:03.000 Come on.

02:31:05.000 Yeah.

02:31:06.000 Listen, you're dealing with a military dictatorship.

02:31:10.000 They get to decide when information gets revealed and anything that would show them to have made a mistake or to be liable or to be negligent or incompetent is going to be suppressed.

02:31:21.000 Well, what's North Korea saying?

02:31:23.000 It's a good question.

02:31:25.000 I haven't heard a peep out of North Korea. 0.74

02:31:26.000 South Korea apparently got on it very quickly.

02:31:29.000 They were saying that Germany has the best results.

02:31:31.000 They have a very, very low mortality rate.

02:31:34.000 And they don't know if it's because of the stringency of their system, the health of the people, whether it's a combination of things.

02:31:40.000 They have apparently a very good healthcare system.

02:31:42.000 But it makes sense.

02:31:43.000 Like the thing about the way Germans make cars, you know? 1.00

02:31:46.000 Yeah.

02:31:46.000 They're so well engineered.

02:31:47.000 It's like so well thought out.

02:31:49.000 North Korea claims no coronavirus cases.

02:31:52.000 Can it be trusted? 1.00

02:31:53.000 Oh yeah, send them your fucking credit card number. 1.00

02:31:56.000 And Kim Jong-un just shot an 11 again last week in golf. 1.00

02:31:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:31:59.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

02:32:01.000 Oh, does he have crazy golf scores? 1.00

02:32:03.000 Yeah.

02:32:03.000 Does he really?

02:32:04.000 Come on.

02:32:04.000 Yeah, he claims that he got a hole in one in every hole.

02:32:07.000 No.

02:32:08.000 Something crazy.

02:32:09.000 Really?

02:32:09.000 Or got like a 27 out of 18 holes.

02:32:13.000 Really?

02:32:14.000 Really?

02:32:15.000 Yeah.

02:32:16.000 What is that?

02:32:16.000 Is that like Tiger Woods world class?

02:32:18.000 No, no.

02:32:19.000 Tiger Woods will shoot a great round of 63. So this guy says like 17. I forget what it is, but it's like it entails several holes in one in one round.

02:32:32.000 He had five holes in one.

02:32:35.000 In one round!

02:32:37.000 Oh my god.

02:32:38.000 Dennis Rodman was with him.

02:32:42.000 That must be fun, though, to be able to just tell people every day, like, all right, print this. 0.99

02:32:47.000 I fucked nine women last night. 1.00

02:32:49.000 They were all tens. 1.00

02:32:50.000 He said he got a 34. A 38 under par, 34. By the way, Lil Duval, who's the best follow on Instagram right now, all day he's been posting about the coronavirus and funny memes and shit.

02:33:02.000 But he had one with the king of Thailand. 0.97

02:33:06.000 The king of Thailand is sequestered in his palace with his 18 girlfriends. 0.96

02:33:12.000 Is that sequestered?

02:33:13.000 Yes, it is.

02:33:15.000 It's just him and them and just a long bone session.

02:33:20.000 How many does he have?

02:33:23.000 Like, you feeling any better?

02:33:25.000 Nope!

02:33:25.000 I need a little more time.

02:33:26.000 The king of Thailand had a girl that was like his number one girl.

02:33:30.000 Here it is.

02:33:31.000 Oh, excuse me.

02:33:32.000 20 girlfriends.

02:33:33.000 Wow.

02:33:34.000 He's in a luxury hotel with 20 girlfriends.

02:33:38.000 So he's got them all in rooms.

02:33:40.000 They can't go anywhere and stay put.

02:33:42.000 Is that what all his medals are for? 1.00

02:33:43.000 Yes, for fucking. 1.00

02:33:45.000 He won the fucking Olympics every year. 1.00

02:33:50.000 He stands on the podium holding his dick. 1.00

02:33:53.000 That is so crazy. 1.00

02:33:55.000 There's just different styles of life.

02:33:57.000 But I think Lil Duval wrote Aspirations.

02:34:03.000 It's the same guy that made his mistress lie at his feet while he got married.

02:34:08.000 Yeah, it's the same guy. 1.00

02:34:09.000 Oh, no shit! 1.00

02:34:10.000 Not only did he take away her military position because she was disrespectful to the queen, Wow! 1.00

02:34:18.000 Yeah, he made her bow down in front of everybody.

02:34:21.000 You can watch the video.

02:34:22.000 Click.

02:34:23.000 It says watch the video.

02:34:24.000 You should watch the video. 1.00

02:34:25.000 Damn. 0.99

02:34:26.000 As he made her his official concubine in ceremony attended by his wife. 1.00

02:34:30.000 So that was when he made her his official concubine.

02:34:33.000 That was one video, but there's another video where he took away the title, which hasn't been bestowed upon someone in a long time, apparently.

02:34:40.000 He took it away because she slipped of the tongue.

02:34:45.000 Look at this.

02:34:48.000 Official concubine. 1.00

02:34:49.000 Look at, bowing down.

02:34:50.000 Oh, she gets a concubine crown. 0.81

02:34:52.000 Just imagine living like that.

02:34:54.000 Imagine the whole world, he gives her something to eat.

02:34:57.000 What is she doing?

02:34:58.000 Is she putting in her hair?

02:34:59.000 Like a leaf?

02:35:00.000 A little flower to put behind her ear.

02:35:02.000 Yeah, there's like rules, stuff you have to do. 1.00

02:35:04.000 Meanwhile, the wife's like, mm-hmm, this bitch. 1.00

02:35:07.000 What the fuck's this bitch doing? 1.00

02:35:09.000 Look at that, they all have to be on their knees in front of him. 1.00

02:35:14.000 I guess.

02:35:16.000 Lots of different ways to go.

02:35:17.000 Alright.

02:35:19.000 Huh.

02:35:20.000 Yeah.

02:35:21.000 Wow.

02:35:22.000 Maybe he's got the best time of this coronavirus.

02:35:26.000 Thailand's Playboy King has taken over a luxury German hotel to isolate from the coronavirus along with a harem of 20 women. 0.99

02:35:33.000 Salute.

02:35:34.000 67. Keep on rocking in the free world, sir.

02:35:39.000 20 women.

02:35:43.000 That seems like a lot.

02:35:46.000 I guess it's, you know...

02:35:47.000 Maybe he knows something we don't know.

02:35:48.000 Yeah.

02:35:49.000 Whatever his diet is, I need it.

02:35:52.000 Well, maybe it's just like he knows it's going to take a long time.

02:35:55.000 Yeah.

02:35:56.000 Maybe they get to world leaders and they go, look, we've got a couple of years.

02:35:59.000 It was not clear if his fourth wife, former flight attendant, was even with him.

02:36:06.000 The baller move would be to wait four days and then send for more women. 1.00

02:36:11.000 Right.

02:36:12.000 Just to blow people's minds.

02:36:14.000 Yeah.

02:36:14.000 With golden underwear on.

02:36:15.000 You just pose at the balcony every now and then.

02:36:19.000 You stand out at the balcony overlooking the city with a glass of champagne with golden underwear.

02:36:26.000 Just look around and you go right back in. 1.00

02:36:29.000 Send in some more bitches! 1.00

02:36:31.000 He left Thailand. 1.00

02:36:32.000 He's in Germany.

02:36:33.000 He's in Berlin.

02:36:33.000 Of course.

02:36:34.000 Yeah, he just left.

02:36:35.000 Well, Germany's the best place to be, like we were saying. 0.75

02:36:37.000 Super, super low mortality rate.

02:36:39.000 Less than one-tenth of one percent in Germany.

02:36:41.000 I was reading that in Scandinavia, different countries, they're all being pretty conservative about it, except for Sweden.

02:36:48.000 Which has, like, completely laxed all social distancing.

02:36:51.000 And they've got the same rates of infection as everybody else.

02:36:54.000 No, they don't.

02:36:55.000 Oh, has it changed?

02:36:55.000 Yeah, it's jumped.

02:36:56.000 Oh.

02:36:56.000 Yeah, the Sweden model, there was a curve that they showed week to week where everyone else is kind of like, this is the thing you keep hearing, flatten the curve.

02:37:05.000 Right.

02:37:06.000 Well, Sweden is a good example of how it's not flat and it's going up.

02:37:09.000 So they had, like, you know, Sweden was yellow and this country was another color and Sweden was going up where the other ones were not.

02:37:16.000 Huh.

02:37:16.000 Yeah, it's a risky move.

02:37:19.000 I don't know if their fatalities are any higher, though.

02:37:24.000 We're going to see state by state what happens in this country, because California has been really locked down pretty early and pretty well, and there are a lot of cases in San Francisco, but...

02:37:34.000 Not that bad here.

02:37:35.000 Not bad here in LA. No, not that bad.

02:37:37.000 If you really stop and consider what it could be.

02:37:41.000 A lot in New York, though.

02:37:43.000 New York's rough.

02:37:44.000 Yeah.

02:37:44.000 But think about the way people, the style of life over there.

02:37:48.000 Everybody's bumping into everybody on the streets.

02:37:51.000 Public transportation.

02:37:51.000 Yep, yep, yep.

02:37:52.000 Apartment buildings, taking the elevators, hundreds of other people on the stairs.

02:37:57.000 City bikes.

02:37:58.000 Oh, yeah, man.

02:37:59.000 You're always in contact with people.

02:38:01.000 You're eating out way more than you're eating at home.

02:38:03.000 I mean, it's one of the cool things about New York City.

02:38:07.000 That's what's going to be weird coming back if people can relax.

02:38:12.000 Or if they're just now, are we going to be like this when the flu comes around again?

02:38:15.000 Like, what if another pandemic flu that does the kind of damage that that other one that we were talking about, the 2017-2018 flu, are we going to be gun-shy now?

02:38:26.000 Oh, I think I watch TV or movies and I literally have a subconscious reaction to people being close to each other.

02:38:34.000 That's how internalized it's becoming.

02:38:36.000 And that's going to stick around for a while.

02:38:39.000 Yeah, like you see a picture of dudes like hugging each other and laughing at a bar.

02:38:42.000 You're like, what are you doing so close to each other?

02:38:44.000 Get out! 0.98

02:38:45.000 Yep. 1.00

02:38:47.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:38:48.000 Yeah, we're going to be rewired after this. 1.00

02:38:50.000 Do you think you'll get through it and go back to normal the way you think?

02:38:54.000 Or do you think there's no normal?

02:38:58.000 I think it depends on what you just said.

02:39:00.000 I think if there's another one that comes on the heels of this, then it's going to really reinforce it.

02:39:05.000 But if this thing clears up as...

02:39:08.000 You know, if the weather comes in and it's warm, which isn't even proven because a lot of warm weather places still have the coronavirus, but if that helps stem it for a while and it goes away within a few months, I think we'll be okay.

02:39:24.000 Well, dude, you're welcome to come in here anytime you want.

02:39:27.000 While we're down, if you want to do regular podcasts, let's do them all the time.

02:39:31.000 Oh, that's great.

02:39:32.000 Just hang out.

02:39:33.000 Yeah, I'd love it.

02:39:33.000 Because one of the things that I'm enjoying, for real, enjoying over these last few weeks has been, I did a podcast with Bert, then I did a podcast with Tom, then I did a podcast with Joey, and I'm like, these are my favorite.

02:39:46.000 Like, we're all getting to hang out on a regular basis.

02:39:49.000 Right.

02:39:49.000 You know, it's not like these big stretches where you're going on tour in the East, and I'm going over here, and Joey's over there.

02:39:55.000 Like, we're all together.

02:39:56.000 We're almost fucking, we're 30 minutes drive from each other all the time. 0.97

02:39:59.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:39:59.000 It's different. 0.98

02:40:00.000 Yeah.

02:40:00.000 I know.

02:40:01.000 This is great.

02:40:02.000 And it's like I was saying with my family.

02:40:04.000 Family and close friends.

02:40:05.000 It's like, what's better than that in life?

02:40:08.000 The thing that's weird, though, is you can't hug, and you're not even shaking hands, and we're seeing each other, but we're staying all these feet apart from...

02:40:15.000 It's a little weird.

02:40:16.000 It feels a little weird in that regard, but...

02:40:19.000 Yeah.

02:40:19.000 That's just what it is now.

02:40:21.000 Right.

02:40:22.000 That's what it is now, until it stops being that.

02:40:24.000 I know, and podcasting has to take the place of stand-up for a while, just energy-wise, creativity-wise. 0.99

02:40:31.000 People that are doing stand-up on the internet with no audience are out of your fucking mind. 0.99

02:40:36.000 People are doing that? 0.99

02:40:37.000 A bunch of people have done it at the Laugh Factory.

02:40:39.000 They were streaming stand-up comedy.

02:40:42.000 Can you hear the audience's laugh?

02:40:43.000 Is it like a Zoom where it's back and forth?

02:40:45.000 No, there's no audience.

02:40:46.000 They're just doing stand-up?

02:40:47.000 They're just doing stand-up.

02:40:48.000 They're basically playing guitar with no instrument.

02:40:51.000 Yeah.

02:40:52.000 Right. 1.00

02:40:53.000 They're masturbating. 1.00

02:40:55.000 It's comedy masturbation. 1.00

02:40:56.000 Well, they just are trying it out. 0.97

02:40:58.000 People at home are listening.

02:41:01.000 But it's not the same.

02:41:02.000 No, people want the content, but you've got to figure out...

02:41:05.000 I just started this new podcast called Sunday Papers, where I just...

02:41:08.000 You know my buddy Mike Gibbons?

02:41:10.000 Yeah, sure.

02:41:10.000 I met Mike.

02:41:11.000 Yeah, so me and Mike do a thing where we read the Sunday paper, and we just go through each section.

02:41:15.000 Entertainment, sports, business.

02:41:17.000 That's a good move.

02:41:17.000 And we just do jokes about each section, and we have little sound effects for the paper.

02:41:22.000 Oh, that's great.

02:41:22.000 Yeah, so it's on my site.

02:41:24.000 It's on the FitzDog Radio site.

02:41:26.000 And it's just another reason to hang out with a good friend once a week.

02:41:29.000 Yeah, Tim Dillon said it best.

02:41:31.000 He's like, stand-ups, you can't just do stand-up to no audience.

02:41:35.000 He's like, you gotta be creative.

02:41:36.000 Come up with sketches.

02:41:37.000 Right.

02:41:38.000 You know, but Dillon's always doing that.

02:41:39.000 Tim has always got, like, his Meghan McCain impression and all that. 0.97

02:41:43.000 He's really fucking funny. 0.91

02:41:45.000 He's so prolific. 0.98

02:41:46.000 Yeah, he is. 0.97

02:41:47.000 And the stuff he does out on the street, just fucking around with people is hilarious. 0.97

02:41:51.000 No, he's awesome. 0.92

02:41:52.000 He's awesome, but he goes so far.

02:41:54.000 Like, his characters...

02:41:56.000 I told him, like, I want you to get healthy, man.

02:41:58.000 I'm like, we need you.

02:41:59.000 Yeah.

02:42:00.000 Like, we really do need him.

02:42:01.000 Right. 0.98

02:42:02.000 He's fucking hilarious. 0.99

02:42:04.000 He's a wild man. 0.99

02:42:07.000 And this is the, like, for me, like, guys like him that fucking push it hard. 0.98

02:42:13.000 Like, they're important. 0.96

02:42:15.000 Yeah.

02:42:15.000 You gotta keep these guys around.

02:42:16.000 That's right.

02:42:17.000 You gotta nourish them.

02:42:18.000 Because, like, there's a lot of lazy comics out there that aren't putting in one-tenth of the work that Tim Dillon's out there putting in.

02:42:25.000 Yeah. 0.93

02:42:25.000 He's constantly uploading new videos, constantly doing things, constantly tweeting funny shit, constantly. 0.93

02:42:32.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:42:33.000 Constantly.

02:42:33.000 Yeah.

02:42:34.000 He's just still working, man.

02:42:36.000 And he's just naturally funny.

02:42:37.000 Yes.

02:42:38.000 He's got to be from Long Island, right?

02:42:40.000 Oh, he's definitely from New York.

02:42:42.000 He's got that.

02:42:42.000 He's from Long Island, right?

02:42:43.000 He's got that Long Island sense of humor. 1.00

02:42:45.000 He just doesn't give a shit. 0.99

02:42:47.000 The best form of it. 1.00

02:42:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:42:48.000 The best form.

02:42:49.000 Well-read, but a smart guy, too.

02:42:52.000 Yeah.

02:42:52.000 We're in a strange, strange moment in history.

02:42:56.000 Yeah, it's strange, but it's an opportunity.

02:42:58.000 It really is something you've got to look at.

02:43:00.000 Like, you said something to me when I asked you last week how you're doing.

02:43:03.000 You said you're just trying to...

02:43:07.000 Accept.

02:43:09.000 And I think that's the key.

02:43:10.000 If you can accept it, then you can be proactive about it.

02:43:14.000 You can be creative about it.

02:43:15.000 You can just take whatever life force you have and look at what are the possibilities here.

02:43:22.000 Don't have any expectations that can get shattered by reality.

02:43:25.000 Accept what it is.

02:43:27.000 What it is is a new thing.

02:43:28.000 You know, let's stay alive, be nice to each other, and do your best, and try to get through this.

02:43:33.000 And hopefully, at the other end, when science and medicine has gotten a handle on this, hopefully, we can go back to normal life.

02:43:42.000 That would be wonderful.

02:43:43.000 But right now, we can't, so it is what it is.

02:43:45.000 If you just want to run around screaming and hollering and freaking out about it, it's not good.

02:43:51.000 What makes me more concerned than anything What is life going to be like once the economy rolls back again?

02:43:58.000 How many people are going to be out of work?

02:43:59.000 How many businesses are going to be shuttered? 0.98

02:44:02.000 How fucked up is it going to be? 0.99

02:44:04.000 That gives me the most fear of the unknown. 0.99

02:44:08.000 Because I know that a certain amount of people are going to get sick, and a certain large percentage are going to get better, and unfortunately some people are going to die, and all that's awful.

02:44:17.000 But I kind of see that.

02:44:19.000 That makes sense in my mind.

02:44:20.000 I kind of see a disease.

02:44:22.000 I see people.

02:44:22.000 That all makes sense.

02:44:23.000 What doesn't make sense is an economy that stops and then restarts again.

02:44:26.000 I've never seen that before.

02:44:28.000 So for that, I'm like, what is that like?

02:44:30.000 And there's no model to base it on because our economy today is so much different than it was even 10 years ago.

02:44:38.000 It's an international economy.

02:44:40.000 It's a digital economy.

02:44:43.000 There's so much of it that we don't know how it's going to play out.

02:44:49.000 And I know that a lot more people are going to stop going to work.

02:44:52.000 I think that businesses are saying, oh, we don't need offices for 100% of our people?

02:44:59.000 And parking spots?

02:45:00.000 No, we'll just have 50% of the people work from home like we just did for the last three months.

02:45:04.000 That worked.

02:45:05.000 That would be very cost-effective for people that don't want to have gigantic offices.

02:45:10.000 And then also, how much freedom it is if you can work from home.

02:45:16.000 I mean, for a lot of people, if that's possible, that would definitely be preferable.

02:45:21.000 Hell yeah.

02:45:21.000 And productivity, I can tell you from writing on TV shows over the years, there's been some that I've written from home, you know, where I'm like a consultant that's just handing them it.

02:45:30.000 I do so much more work when I have to actually hand it in through an email than when I'm sitting in a writer's room with 12 other people throwing out a line once an hour while I'm eating fucking sushi. 0.78

02:45:42.000 I mean, I work my ass off when I'm home because I got to justify it. 0.96

02:45:46.000 Yes, that's a good point.

02:45:47.000 That's a good point.

02:45:48.000 You're accountable.

02:45:49.000 Yeah.

02:45:50.000 I mean, I think a good thing to do right now would be to think about that in terms of creation of material. 0.98

02:45:55.000 One thing I've been guilty of over the last month, I haven't written jack shit. 0.84

02:45:59.000 I mean, I have a couple ideas that I wrote down, but I really have been writing when I haven't been doing stand-up. 0.88

02:46:04.000 And I decided what I wanted to do is I wanted to know what my take on this is.

02:46:09.000 And I felt like the best way I could figure out what my take on it is, is just have a natural take on it.

02:46:15.000 Like actually go through this and find out what it is first, how long it's gonna last, and what are your thoughts on this?

02:46:25.000 And at the beginning I didn't know what my thoughts on it were, because my thoughts on it were stay safe, make sure family stays safe, friends stay safe.

02:46:32.000 Do whatever you're supposed to do and let's find out how long it's going to take.

02:46:36.000 What do the experts say?

02:46:37.000 Talk to some experts.

02:46:38.000 What's the prognosis look like?

02:46:40.000 It keeps getting pushed back.

02:46:42.000 Now it's June.

02:46:43.000 Now they're saying June.

02:46:44.000 Things are going to restart in June. 0.99

02:46:45.000 I'm like, fuck, what is that like? 0.98

02:46:46.000 What is that like for people that are check to check? 0.99

02:46:49.000 Three months?

02:46:49.000 Yeah.

02:46:50.000 April, May, June?

02:46:51.000 Right.

02:46:53.000 When does it go back?

02:46:57.000 Three months from now and it's already been a month?

02:46:59.000 Whoa.

02:47:02.000 What day June?

02:47:04.000 What if June 14 you got more cases?

02:47:06.000 Then what do we do? 0.99

02:47:08.000 Do we ever say, fuck it, let's just go back to work? 1.00

02:47:11.000 What is that like? 1.00

02:47:12.000 What kind of drunken Wild West parties are you going to be when people go back to work and start going back to bars and they forgot how to be out at a bar at a nightclub?

02:47:24.000 Mm-hmm.

02:47:25.000 How many people are going to be pregnant? 1.00

02:47:27.000 When this all goes back, there's going to be a giant uptick in babies.

02:47:30.000 Oh, nine months from now?

02:47:31.000 Oh, my God.

02:47:32.000 Oh, yeah, I didn't think of that. 1.00

02:47:33.000 They're fucking and they're scared and they're shooting those fear-based loads, which are heavy. 1.00

02:47:38.000 Dude, we're running out of condoms. 1.00

02:47:40.000 I was just reading in the paper that they produce all the condoms in Malaysia.

02:47:45.000 I think it's in Malaysia.

02:47:47.000 And they're shuttered.

02:47:49.000 The factory's shuttered. 0.99

02:47:50.000 We need to make shit here, but we need to make shit in a way that doesn't destroy the environment. 0.99

02:47:56.000 And one of the ways they're able to make shit in other countries is they don't have the same regulations, environmental regulations as they do here. 0.99

02:48:03.000 That's always been the big problem with shipping stuff overseas. 0.97

02:48:06.000 They also don't have the same regulations.

02:48:08.000 Like when the Foxconn scandal came out and they found out there was net Oh, that's right.

02:48:31.000 Great cars that were made in Detroit.

02:48:34.000 They were all made in Detroit.

02:48:35.000 And Detroit was a huge city.

02:48:37.000 Detroit was one of the richest cities in the country.

02:48:39.000 It was huge.

02:48:40.000 Now it's a disaster because everything got shipped overseas or everything got shipped to different places.

02:48:46.000 Well, they got to figure out the unions because the unions are a great theory and they have worked well in a lot of ways, but they also...

02:48:57.000 Have huge problems.

02:48:58.000 And there's got to be a way to get unions back in place that can guarantee people health coverage and retirement without making the cost of doing business so high that it hurts the industry.

02:49:10.000 I don't know jack shit about finances, so I don't know whether or not I should even comment on that.

02:49:14.000 But it would be nice if everybody worked it out. 0.99

02:49:18.000 It would be nice if everybody figured out how to make shit in America, where we don't have to worry about things going down. 0.99

02:49:25.000 And let's learn from this. 0.99

02:49:26.000 Let's learn from this and start making medicine over here.

02:49:29.000 Why is all the medicine made in China?

02:49:31.000 What?

02:49:32.000 Right.

02:49:32.000 How much?

02:49:34.000 What?

02:49:35.000 It's crazy!

02:49:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:49:37.000 We make a lot of shit, but we need to balance out We need to balance out for some sort of apocalyptic event. 0.99

02:49:46.000 We've got to be prepared. 0.99

02:49:47.000 Well, this is like, you know, we're streamlining right now.

02:49:51.000 We're realizing what's necessary and what's luxury.

02:49:54.000 And we're keeping it simple.

02:49:56.000 And then we're going to come out of it having a better gauge of what each of us needs individually and as a country.

02:50:02.000 Or Trump wins a second term.

02:50:03.000 We go to war with Iran. 0.88

02:50:04.000 China backs Iran. 0.81

02:50:06.000 Woo! 0.99

02:50:07.000 Things get crazy.

02:50:08.000 No one has any money.

02:50:09.000 50% are out of work.

02:50:11.000 Military's in the streets.

02:50:12.000 Yeah.

02:50:14.000 COVID-21 comes out.

02:50:16.000 Yeah. 0.73

02:50:17.000 Kills 40% of the population.

02:50:18.000 Still no ventilators.

02:50:20.000 All right.

02:50:21.000 That's possible, too.

02:50:23.000 Yeah.

02:50:23.000 Yeah, there's a lot of possibles out there.

02:50:25.000 What was the thing about we were shipping stuff overseas?

02:50:28.000 They just read something today that we were sending medical equipment to other countries.

02:50:34.000 We were.

02:50:34.000 Did you read anything about that?

02:50:38.000 When the ship broke down in China, we shipped a bunch of our stuff there to help them without then replenishing what we shipped over. 0.99

02:50:45.000 Oh, we got stupid. 0.93

02:50:48.000 We were trying to be helpful and didn't think it was going to happen to us. 0.99

02:50:51.000 I think that's what I was thinking.

02:50:52.000 But I think I also read something about Thailand, that we were actually shipping stuff to Thailand right now, and then it was some kind of mix-up, and the government's apologizing about it now.

02:51:05.000 Well, China's apparently going to stop, according to my friend Forrest Galante, who's a wildlife biologist.

02:51:10.000 China's going to stop the sale of a lot of wildlife now. 0.79

02:51:14.000 Which is what you got in those wet markets.

02:51:17.000 Yeah.

02:51:18.000 You know, sale of wildlife all packed on top of each other.

02:51:20.000 Apparently they're enacting some new regulations to stop that.

02:51:23.000 Because they're recognizing, like, hey, this is where diseases come from.

02:51:26.000 There's going to be a better way to do this.

02:51:27.000 But, I mean, in really impoverished provinces, and you think about the sheer size of China and the sheer numbers of the population, and the fact they've been doing it this way for so long.

02:51:38.000 What are you going to do different?

02:51:39.000 How are you going to stop them? 0.98

02:51:40.000 Well, it's factory farming, and so what's happening is these small farmers are being pushed further and further into the wilderness, and so they're basically harvesting animals that aren't normally eaten, and there's a lot of bat shit, and the animals are eating bat shit. 0.98

02:51:57.000 Is that really what's going on? 0.99

02:51:58.000 Yeah.

02:51:59.000 That sounds like a gas station version of what's really going on.

02:52:01.000 Oh, I... Who am I? One of your doctor guests who knows what the fuck they're talking about? 1.00

02:52:07.000 I think you're right about batshit, though. 0.99

02:52:09.000 Official asked the Thais for help, only to be informed by the puzzled voices on the other side of the line that a U.S. shipment of the same supplies, the second of two so far, was already on its way to Bangkok. 0.90

02:52:21.000 So we had a problem with our policy and the way shit was already sent over and someone else was asking for stuff and they didn't know that it was already being sent there, so they put a stop on that.

02:52:30.000 Oh, so it was being sent to Bangkok and we turned it around. 0.99

02:52:35.000 Meanwhile, their king is in Germany, fucking 20 beautiful women. 0.98

02:52:39.000 Meanwhile, I was watching, there's this guy, do you know who Efren Reyes is? 1.00

02:52:43.000 No.

02:52:44.000 Probably one of the, if not the greatest pool player of all time, one of the greatest pool players of all time.

02:52:48.000 And he lives in the Philippines.

02:52:50.000 And he plays these money matches over there all the time.

02:52:55.000 He's really old now.

02:52:57.000 He doesn't play like he used to when he was at his best.

02:52:59.000 But they put these matches online from like March 20th.

02:53:05.000 2020. Packed pool hall.

02:53:08.000 People stuffed in the Philippines.

02:53:11.000 Stuffed on top of each other.

02:53:13.000 No social distancing whatsoever.

02:53:16.000 Smoking cigarettes, hanging out, playing pool.

02:53:20.000 Stuffed into this pool room.

02:53:21.000 And I'm like, wow.

02:53:24.000 And they're just putting that online.

02:53:26.000 Yeah.

02:53:26.000 See if you can find it.

02:53:27.000 Efren Reyes, March 2020. Like, March 20th.

02:53:32.000 Damn. 0.99

02:53:32.000 Somewhere around there. 0.99

02:53:33.000 And I'm like, oh.

02:53:35.000 How many places in the world are like this?

02:53:37.000 Where they're just hanging out.

02:53:40.000 Right. 1.00

02:53:40.000 They're just like, fuck it. 1.00

02:53:41.000 We're just going to do it normal style. 1.00

02:53:43.000 Right.

02:53:44.000 And then leaving and going on public transportation.

02:53:47.000 For sure.

02:53:48.000 Yeah.

02:53:48.000 And then other people interact with them.

02:53:50.000 Yeah.

02:53:51.000 But it's...

02:53:54.000 Other places, you know, you go to the supermarket and people are dressed up like they're beekeepers.

02:53:58.000 Yeah.

02:53:59.000 What's your...

02:54:00.000 What?

02:54:04.000 What's your regimen for exercising during this?

02:54:08.000 Same as usual?

02:54:09.000 Same as usual.

02:54:10.000 Yeah.

02:54:10.000 Except you can't go to yoga classes.

02:54:12.000 Yeah, no yoga, but I'm working out here.

02:54:14.000 Yeah.

02:54:14.000 You know, and I work out at my house and I still run the hills with a dog.

02:54:18.000 I've been doing that a lot.

02:54:19.000 More hiking than running.

02:54:20.000 I had a little bit of a knee injury from skiing.

02:54:23.000 But that's healed up.

02:54:24.000 But it's not that big a deal for me.

02:54:28.000 Luckily, I'm fortunate that I got a home gym.

02:54:31.000 But there's plenty of videos, if you don't, online.

02:54:33.000 If you can get any one thing, one piece of equipment that I would think you would need, get a chin-up bar.

02:54:38.000 Everything else you can do with your body weight.

02:54:40.000 If you just write out a body weight workout, so chin-ups, add chin-ups, different kinds of push-ups, like Hindu push-ups. 0.86

02:54:47.000 Hindu push-ups are your ass goes up in the air and you bomb dive when you push up. 1.00

02:54:53.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:54:53.000 Like an uppercut? 0.99

02:54:53.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

02:54:55.000 Those are great.

02:54:56.000 Those are great.

02:54:56.000 Do series of, you know, sets of 20 of those.

02:54:59.000 Do regular push-ups.

02:55:00.000 Do diamond push-ups, you know, with your hands like this.

02:55:04.000 You could do wall presses where, like, you do, you put your feet on the wall and you could do, like, shoulder presses that way where you're pushing things overhead.

02:55:13.000 What do you mean, like a handstand?

02:55:15.000 Mm-hmm, yeah.

02:55:15.000 And you just put your feet on the wall.

02:55:17.000 So you rest your feet on the wall and you just do shoulder presses.

02:55:19.000 Yeah.

02:55:20.000 Yeah.

02:55:38.000 You go down, they're all just all body weight, no added weight at all.

02:55:43.000 You go down and as you go down, when your knees go all the way bent, you actually lift your heels up off the ground, you go on the balls of your feet.

02:55:49.000 And then you put your hands behind you, and then you stand up like this.

02:55:52.000 And then you go back down again. 0.99

02:55:54.000 In the same thing you just keep going over and over and over again and you could do sets of like a hundred So it's really pretty easy for the first 10 and then for the first 15 and 20 and then you go, okay This is gonna be 30 whoo this is some work 50 holy shit. 0.99

02:56:10.000 I'm halfway there 67 you get to a hundred hindu squats and your thighs are fucking burning burning Yeah. 0.99

02:56:17.000 And you want to build up. 0.98

02:56:19.000 Some wrestlers, they would do them every day. 0.88

02:56:22.000 They would do like 500 Hindu squats every morning. 1.00

02:56:26.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:56:26.000 Yeah, it was part of their conditioning regiment. 1.00

02:56:28.000 You know who The Miz is, that guy on the WWE? No. 1.00

02:56:31.000 He was on Fear Factor once.

02:56:33.000 And the most fit guy we ever had on Fear Factor, by far. 1.00

02:56:36.000 Like, you could do freaky shit. 0.98

02:56:38.000 Like, swam in cold water, holding his breath while doing tasks for like two and a half minutes. 0.99

02:56:43.000 Didn't have to come up for air.

02:56:44.000 Where everybody else would have tapped out a long time ago. 1.00

02:56:46.000 I was like, this fucking dude is fit. 0.99

02:56:48.000 And this was before he was like a superstar in wrestling. 1.00

02:56:51.000 Like, people knew of him.

02:56:51.000 He had been on some reality show.

02:56:54.000 He was on the real world.

02:56:55.000 Yeah, but like super fit like crazy shape and he was talking about the different things that he would do for wrestling and one of the things was the air squats They would do those kind of Hindu squats very similar kind of squats.

02:57:07.000 We do 500 a day Wow, I was like god damn and knowing how hard it is to do a hundred you're doing 500 of those a day That's a punishing workout on your legs.

02:57:16.000 You don't have to go anywhere Yeah. 0.99

02:57:17.000 Right from your house.

02:57:18.000 We got some of those rubber bands.

02:57:19.000 Those rubber bands are really good too.

02:57:21.000 Those are great too.

02:57:22.000 There's a ton of exercises that you can learn on Instagram and on YouTube in particular.

02:57:28.000 A bunch of different websites, a bunch of different people that can show you.

02:57:31.000 On the Onnit website, we got a bunch of different workouts, bodyweight workouts. 0.98

02:57:36.000 Also, if you want to get a kettlebell, just get one fucking kettlebell. 0.80

02:57:40.000 There's a ton of YouTube videos that will give you an amazing workout with one kettlebell. 0.98

02:57:45.000 One kettlebell, one 35-pound kettlebell.

02:57:47.000 And there's like this series of high-intensity workouts from a bunch of different instructors. 0.99

02:57:51.000 No shit. 0.99

02:57:52.000 There's so much. 1.00

02:57:52.000 Yeah, man, free! 1.00

02:57:54.000 Because they just want you to tune into their content, and they'll give you certain exercises you can do, and they'll put them in order, and they're trying to build up their Instagram pages or build up their YouTube pages.

02:58:04.000 It's plenty of free information.

02:58:06.000 Get on Amazon.com, have them send a 35 pound kettlebell to your house. 0.98

02:58:10.000 Yeah, one kettlebell.

02:58:11.000 And you replaced your gym.

02:58:13.000 One kettlebell, one chin-up bar, you replaced your gym.

02:58:15.000 Right. 0.95

02:58:16.000 I mean, every day you can get a fucking ferocious workout in a bunch of different ways. 0.93

02:58:21.000 So the chin-up bar is just for pull-ups and chin-ups? 0.97

02:58:23.000 Just pull-ups.

02:58:24.000 And I guess abs and chin-ups.

02:58:25.000 Yeah, you can do abs stuff too.

02:58:27.000 You want to get the kind, in my opinion, my humble opinion, get the kind that screws into the door.

02:58:31.000 I don't trust those ones that hook. 0.99

02:58:35.000 I could just see shit going wrong. 0.99

02:58:37.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

02:58:38.000 I want a motherfucker that's not coming out of the door. 1.00

02:58:40.000 Just in there. 0.99

02:58:42.000 And then from that, you could do those leg raises where you hang and you bring your feet up and touch the bar and then slowly bring them down and feet up and touch the bar.

02:58:51.000 Brutal ab workout. 0.99

02:58:52.000 There's a ton of shit you can do from your home. 0.99

02:58:55.000 You could do, if you want to get in crazy cardio, get these little egg weights, they have a bunch of different sizes, and do rounds of shadowboxing. 0.98

02:59:03.000 So I have some that are five pounds or five pounds in each hand, and you put on like a timer, and then you just have to shadowbox for three minutes. 0.99

02:59:12.000 And you're 13 seconds in, you're like, oh, fuck this. 1.00

02:59:15.000 No shit. 1.00

02:59:17.000 Yeah, just keep going. 1.00

02:59:18.000 Keep moving.

02:59:19.000 You can get crazy cardio without having to go anywhere.

02:59:23.000 Anywhere.

02:59:23.000 You don't have to do anything.

02:59:26.000 I'm going to continue with my program of sleeping with rounds of furious masturbation. 0.99

02:59:35.000 Or do some push-ups, Greg. 0.99

02:59:37.000 No, I've been doing stuff.

02:59:38.000 I've been...

02:59:39.000 Family yoga.

02:59:40.000 Been doing every other day.

02:59:42.000 We found a good video online.

02:59:43.000 We do.

02:59:44.000 And then bike rides.

02:59:45.000 Took a long-ass bike ride with my son last night.

02:59:48.000 But they closed the beach.

02:59:49.000 They closed the parks.

02:59:51.000 Yeah.

02:59:51.000 They closed everything, right?

02:59:52.000 They closed the tennis courts.

02:59:54.000 Everything.

02:59:56.000 Right now, Cameron Haynes' son, Truett, is trying to break the record for the most chin-ups In 24 hours.

03:00:06.000 He's doing five, I think he's doing five every minute.

03:00:11.000 Really?

03:00:11.000 Yeah, he's been doing it since three o'clock in the morning.

03:00:13.000 The idea is it goes all the way through to 24 hours of chin-ups, and I think the number to beat, he's looking to beat like 4,000 something chin-ups. 0.99

03:00:24.000 No shit. 0.99

03:00:25.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

03:00:26.000 Damn. 1.00

03:00:27.000 Yeah, it's going on right now. 0.99

03:00:28.000 Go to his Instagram.

03:00:30.000 Oh, you can go to Cam's Instagram page because Cam flew in to help him.

03:00:34.000 I think they're doing it in Utah.

03:00:36.000 And his Instagram is justtruitt.

03:00:40.000 That's Cam's son.

03:00:42.000 Yeah.

03:00:42.000 He hasn't posted anything for the last five hours.

03:00:44.000 He's at 2,060.

03:00:46.000 2,060.

03:00:48.000 Yeah.

03:00:49.000 So he might need to take a little nappy poo.

03:00:51.000 What's he built like?

03:00:52.000 Is he lean or is he beefy?

03:00:54.000 He's a stud.

03:00:56.000 He's very strong.

03:00:57.000 There he is.

03:00:58.000 Okay.

03:00:59.000 Yeah, he's probably, he's in the, if I had to guess, he's in the 200 pound range.

03:01:03.000 He looks tall.

03:01:04.000 Yeah, he's a big kid.

03:01:05.000 Big, strong kid.

03:01:07.000 I mean, he's taller than Cam Cam.

03:01:09.000 I don't know how tall he is.

03:01:10.000 Now that I think about it.

03:01:12.000 Oh, he's doing overhand.

03:01:14.000 Yeah, that's pull-ups.

03:01:16.000 Chin-ups are this one. 0.99

03:01:17.000 Yeah.

03:01:18.000 You grab it like this.

03:01:19.000 Right.

03:01:19.000 Pull up.

03:01:19.000 Man, I guess he's probably like 5'11", 5'10", 5'11".

03:01:22.000 Whatever he is, the kid's a stud.

03:01:24.000 And he's young, man.

03:01:26.000 I think he's in his early 20s.

03:01:28.000 So he's doing this.

03:01:29.000 He's doing five of them.

03:01:31.000 But he's got a savage father.

03:01:33.000 I mean, his father's out there running 240-mile races that take three days.

03:01:38.000 You know, his father's one of the best bow hunters on planet Earth.

03:01:42.000 Yeah?

03:01:43.000 Yeah.

03:01:43.000 His father's Cameron Haynes.

03:01:45.000 He's the guy who originally taught me how to shoot a bow and taught me how to hunt.

03:01:49.000 So that's his son. 1.00

03:01:50.000 So his son's a fucking savage, too. 1.00

03:01:52.000 So he's doing five of these every minute. 1.00

03:01:57.000 So what'd you say he's at?

03:01:58.000 2000 what?

03:01:59.000 He says that...

03:01:59.000 Excuse me.

03:02:01.000 2060. Oh, look at his shirt!

03:02:03.000 Yeah.

03:02:05.000 Rogan and Haynes for president, 2020. That's great.

03:02:11.000 But anyway, this kid is an animal.

03:02:12.000 And he's documenting the whole thing.

03:02:15.000 So good luck to you, Truett.

03:02:19.000 Mountain Ops, that's where the Mountain Ops Gym.

03:02:22.000 That makes sense.

03:02:23.000 They're a company that makes high-end supplements that are used by a lot of outdoor people.

03:02:31.000 Make a lot of stuff specifically tailored towards athletes that hunt.

03:02:37.000 That's the thing about this bow hunting thing that's very different than what people associate with hunting.

03:02:42.000 You have to go to the animals.

03:02:44.000 There's no easy way to do it.

03:02:46.000 You're hiking.

03:02:48.000 You have to be in shape. 1.00

03:02:51.000 You've got to carry heavy shit. 1.00

03:02:52.000 You've got to carry heavy shit, but that's the easy part. 0.99

03:02:55.000 The hard part is, well, not always, because sometimes you're deep, deep in. 1.00

03:02:58.000 You've got to carry heavy shit for miles and miles. 0.80

03:03:00.000 But it's also hard just to get to where the elk are. 0.98

03:03:03.000 They're super athletes, and they just effortlessly bound up the side of a hill in seconds, and it would take you an hour to go to the same place.

03:03:11.000 Yeah. 0.97

03:03:11.000 So you have to follow these fuckers, and you have to be fit to do it, and you're at 8,000 feet above sea level, so there's not much air there anyway, and you have to be fit. 0.97

03:03:20.000 Yeah. 0.98

03:03:20.000 So he started running marathons, Cameron did, and getting in really great shape just for elk hunting. 0.98

03:03:29.000 And then along the way, he said, all right, I'm going to do some ultra-marathons.

03:03:32.000 So he did some 100-milers, and then he did this Bigfoot 200, or was it Bigfoot 240?

03:03:39.000 No, the Moab 240. So he did a 200-miler, and then he did a 240-miler.

03:03:43.000 That's 10 marathons.

03:03:44.000 Dude, it's so preposterous.

03:03:46.000 It takes days, days and days and days, and they just run for days.

03:03:49.000 Not straight through?

03:03:51.000 Yes.

03:03:51.000 Without sleeping, he'll run 10 marathons?

03:03:54.000 They might sleep an hour.

03:03:55.000 Sometimes people sleep 10 minutes.

03:03:57.000 Wow.

03:03:57.000 Yeah.

03:03:57.000 Courtney Dillewalter, we had her in here.

03:03:59.000 She won.

03:04:00.000 Not only did she win it, she won it by more than 10 hours.

03:04:04.000 So she was 10 hours faster than the second place person. 1.00

03:04:08.000 Shit. 1.00

03:04:08.000 She's a savage! 1.00

03:04:10.000 She said she slept for a minute. 0.99

03:04:12.000 And then when the minute was over, she was angry.

03:04:15.000 She thought they'd let her sleep for longer because she was so rested. 0.99

03:04:17.000 And then she got up and fucking kept running. 1.00

03:04:20.000 Wow. 0.99

03:04:21.000 Dude, she ran 200. I think it's like officially, they call it the 240, but it's like 238. 238 miles.

03:04:28.000 Think about how many times you run through pain.

03:04:30.000 Because if I run to the beach and back, it's two miles.

03:04:33.000 And my ankle or my knee, something hurts.

03:04:36.000 Yeah.

03:04:36.000 But when you run that far, you're dealing with blisters, twisted ankles.

03:04:41.000 Ugh.

03:04:42.000 Chafing.

03:04:43.000 Ugh.

03:04:44.000 Ugh.

03:04:45.000 You're gonna fall apart. 1.00

03:04:47.000 Damn. 1.00

03:04:48.000 Yeah, I've said it before, but I'll say it one more time. 0.99

03:04:50.000 If anyone hasn't seen, go and watch the video that was documenting Eddie Izzard's trip around all of UK. He was running a marathon every day.

03:05:03.000 He did it for like 20 days or something?

03:05:05.000 26 days, I think he did it.

03:05:06.000 Something crazy like that.

03:05:07.000 Yeah.

03:05:08.000 But here's what's really crazy.

03:05:09.000 Didn't run before this.

03:05:11.000 That's the craziest.

03:05:13.000 So, decided to pick up running and run a marathon every day for like almost a month.

03:05:21.000 And just by sheer will.

03:05:22.000 Oh, you mean he didn't train leading up to that?

03:05:25.000 No, he was overweight. 1.00

03:05:26.000 No shit. 1.00

03:05:27.000 Overweight. 1.00

03:05:28.000 Wasn't in shape at all.

03:05:30.000 Feet were destroyed.

03:05:32.000 I mean, destroyed.

03:05:33.000 Like, one day, they forced him, like, medically forced him to take a day off.

03:05:36.000 Like, you have to rest your feet.

03:05:38.000 His feet were destroyed.

03:05:40.000 Destroyed.

03:05:40.000 The skin was just hanging off of them.

03:05:43.000 Just raw meat.

03:05:44.000 And they're showing, like, they're trying to clean the dressings and the bandages, and it's just falling apart.

03:05:49.000 Like, his skin's destroyed.

03:05:51.000 You've got to have some serious internal pain, emotional pain, to put yourself through that.

03:05:56.000 Or you have to have a mind.

03:05:58.000 It's like a bank vault. 0.99

03:05:59.000 You don't let those things fuck with you. 0.99

03:06:02.000 You just keep going.

03:06:02.000 You have a goal.

03:06:03.000 Here's your goal.

03:06:04.000 Left foot, right foot, go.

03:06:05.000 Keep going.

03:06:06.000 Until when?

03:06:07.000 Until you get to the end, and then get something to eat, go to sleep, and you can do it again tomorrow.

03:06:11.000 And after a while, you sort of got in shape. 0.99

03:06:13.000 He just got in shape by running a goddamn marathon every day. 0.96

03:06:16.000 And so towards the end of it, he's, like, not really in much pain anymore. 0.98

03:06:20.000 He's, like, be able to do them a little bit faster.

03:06:22.000 You could see his body's getting more accustomed to running.

03:06:26.000 Was he doing it in high-heeled shoes?

03:06:28.000 No, no, no.

03:06:29.000 That helps.

03:06:31.000 Yeah.

03:06:32.000 He was doing it in regular clothes.

03:06:34.000 He did do it.

03:06:35.000 What's that?

03:06:36.000 He did have his nails painted.

03:06:37.000 Oh, he did have his nails painted.

03:06:38.000 Well, didn't he just did another one?

03:06:41.000 Yeah, he just did a 28 in 28 days, I think.

03:06:43.000 He was telling us he was doing one and he wanted to run through these really bad parts of Africa. 0.99

03:06:48.000 And they're like, no.

03:06:50.000 They're like, you'll get killed. 1.00

03:06:51.000 They'll rob you and kill you. 1.00

03:06:52.000 He's like, really? 0.99

03:06:53.000 He's like, yeah, we're going to get you, take you in a van, get you out of this area, and then you can run the rest.

03:06:58.000 Like, there's areas that are like, you are not running.

03:07:01.000 Like, what if you guys follow me?

03:07:02.000 Like, no.

03:07:04.000 They'll come get you.

03:07:05.000 Make humanity great again.

03:07:06.000 Oh, I love his hat.

03:07:09.000 Blue hat.

03:07:10.000 Make humanity great again.

03:07:11.000 You gotta go blue, right?

03:07:13.000 Because he's got the red and you can't even wear a red hat today.

03:07:17.000 Someone had a Supreme hat on.

03:07:19.000 It was Schaub.

03:07:20.000 He had a red hat that said Supreme in white letters.

03:07:23.000 People are like, you should probably take that hat off.

03:07:27.000 Dude, did you see Curb Your Enthusiasm this season?

03:07:30.000 No, I didn't. 0.99

03:07:31.000 There's one where he wears a hat just to have people leave him alone, and he fucking loves it. 0.98

03:07:36.000 He just walks around LA, everybody treats him like a pariah. 0.98

03:07:39.000 That's hilarious.

03:07:41.000 Those are my picks. 0.99

03:07:43.000 If you're bunkered down looking for shit to watch on TV, Curb's new season is great. 1.00

03:07:49.000 Ozark is fucking great. 1.00

03:07:51.000 Ozark's great. 1.00

03:07:52.000 Just started, just got through episode one of the new season.

03:07:56.000 That's one of my favorite shows, though.

03:07:57.000 Yeah, I love it.

03:07:58.000 I love that show.

03:07:59.000 Outsider, excuse me, on HBO is very good, too.

03:08:01.000 Outsider's great.

03:08:02.000 What else is good?

03:08:03.000 My Brilliant Friend on HBO. What is that?

03:08:06.000 That's the one I was telling you about, the Italian one, based on the books.

03:08:10.000 That's really good.

03:08:13.000 There's a new Better Call Saul.

03:08:15.000 I haven't seen it yet, but it's all loaded up on the DVR. That just finished.

03:08:18.000 There's plenty of shit to watch. 1.00

03:08:20.000 Plenty of good shit, everybody. 1.00

03:08:21.000 That's what's interesting about this time. 0.99

03:08:23.000 You're going to actually have time to watch it.

03:08:28.000 I know.

03:08:28.000 I always pictured like, God, I wish I could just like, you know, break my leg so I could lay in bed and catch up on this series.

03:08:36.000 And it's like, that's happening.

03:08:38.000 Yep.

03:08:38.000 It's happening for everybody.

03:08:42.000 Yeah, man.

03:08:43.000 I mean, I like to be optimistic.

03:08:46.000 I want to think that we're going to come through this better.

03:08:48.000 That we're going to come through this a little bit more compassionate and understanding what it's like to be a person.

03:08:54.000 That we have a vulnerable existence.

03:08:56.000 That's what I want.

03:08:57.000 Right.

03:08:58.000 My fear is that there's going to be so much economic disparity, so many people out of work, so much crime, that there's going to be a bunch of people that don't feel like they're being looked out for, and then there'll be a further divide between the haves and have-nots in this country, which is one of the reasons why I like people like Bernie Sanders,

03:09:17.000 whether or not he's right or wrong about whether or not he can enact any of those economic Possibilities that he's talking about, whether or not any of that stuff actually works.

03:09:25.000 At least the guy running the show has always been about helping the working people, making sure people have health care, making sure your education is covered.

03:09:35.000 Just those thoughts alone, like for the strength of our community and taking into consideration what we're going through right now, when you realize what's actually important.

03:09:44.000 What's actually important is that everybody's going to be, you know, whoever's okay, make sure they're okay.

03:09:48.000 Get them resources.

03:09:49.000 Help where you can.

03:09:51.000 When we think of ourselves in our neighborhood, you think of your neighborhood, your neighbors need some help, you want to help, right?

03:09:56.000 Especially at a time like this.

03:09:58.000 That should be our approach to the whole country, right?

03:10:02.000 We just have to expand how we feel in a neighborhood in a crisis.

03:10:07.000 Expand that to the whole country.

03:10:10.000 Maybe we can have a little bit of a shift here in the way we look at each other.

03:10:14.000 This is real possible that maybe everybody can do their part. 0.98

03:10:18.000 And then, you know, the people that are not doing their part, the people that are fucking shitty, when they get served on internet videos, people are enjoying the shit out of it. 0.98

03:10:27.000 You know, they're enjoying it. 0.99

03:10:30.000 There was some guy who spit on some oranges or something.

03:10:36.000 Did you see that?

03:10:36.000 Yeah.

03:10:36.000 And some guy smashed them.

03:10:38.000 Everyone's sending that to everybody. 1.00

03:10:39.000 Like, yeah, fuck you, man. 1.00

03:10:41.000 Well, that's the thing. 1.00

03:10:42.000 This partisanship, it's so hard to see.

03:10:45.000 It probably started with Reagan and it's gone since then where the left and the right are just at each other and there's no one reality anymore.

03:10:52.000 And the things that brings people together is a war, a crisis, where suddenly you see that we are all in the same country.

03:11:01.000 We're all on the same side, the humane side.

03:11:04.000 And hopefully that's what comes out of this.

03:11:06.000 That's well said.

03:11:07.000 And I hope you're right.

03:11:08.000 Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen.

03:11:11.000 Episode 20. Episode 20 on the Joe Rogan Experience.

03:11:15.000 That's a lot of episodes, dude. 0.99

03:11:16.000 We talked a lot of shit. 0.98

03:11:17.000 Yeah, it's been great. 0.99

03:11:18.000 Thanks for having me on so often. 1.00

03:11:19.000 Let's play some pool, motherfucker. 1.00

03:11:21.000 Play some pool, dude. 1.00

03:11:21.000 Alright, friends. 1.00

03:11:23.000 We'll be back.

03:11:24.000 Much love to you all.

03:11:25.000 Bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 02, 2020

Joe Rogan Experience #1452 - Greg Fitzsimmons

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