The Joe Rogan Experience - October 13, 2011


Joe Rogan Experience #146 - Ari Shaffir

Topics
placebo effects Sugar Ray and their hit song "That I Just Want to Fly" farm-raised salmon kettlebells The American Werewolf in London prankster ethics ghost readings orbs thing Don Barris writing fat tire motorcycles zombie apocalypse Foxconn suicides socialism and capitalism Courtney Stodden videos cool fucking people getting away with comedy
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Ari Shaffir
Mentioned
Brian Redband Dude Lou Ferrigno Mayhem Miller Obama Robert William Appervire Wick Lon Chaney Jr. David Taylor Michael Hill Jaden James Don Barris Bill Gates Brie Olsen Sugar Ray Joey Diaz Screech Kyle Ari Shafir Brendan B-R-E-N-D-O-N Walsh and 95 more
Joe Rogan Experience #145 Bert Kreischer Joe Rogan Experience #147 - Duncan Trussell

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 29 minutes

Words per minute

212.76

Word count

31,868

Sentence count

4,212

Harmful content

Misogyny

179

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,114

sentences flagged

Hate speech

122

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, Joe and his good friend Ari Shafir talk about the placebo effect and why it's actually pretty dumb. They also talk about Ari's new book, "The Human Brain" and how the human brain works and how it can be fooled by a placebo effect. Also, they talk about what it's like to be trapped under a car and how to get out of a car without getting crushed to death by a car. And how to deal with the pain of being stuck in a car with a car accident. Joe and Ari talk about how to survive a car crash and how you can get out if you're not prepared for it. And Ari talks about a new invention that could change the way you think about sex. Thanks to our sponsor, AlphaBrain. AlphaBrain is a cognitive enhancer sold by Onnit. It's also available in Amazon Prime and Vimeo. If you go to Onnit and click on the Onnit link, enter the code ROGAN. You get 15% off the entire AlphaBrain product line, and 10% off your entire purchase when you sign up for the AlphaBrain trial. The Fleshlight. I use it and Brian uses it too, too. It has its detractors like all wonderful things, but Mayhem Miller's a big fan of it too. I have one for you if you want one for $5, and I have it for $10, and it's also $5 for $20, and $20 for $25, and the rest is $10 for $50, and so on the rest of the deal is $15, and you get $50 for the chance to get $25.00 and I'm giving you $50 and I get $10 and I'll give you $25 and $50.00, and they get the rest for the rest. That's a discount code: JOERogan Experience Podcast. JOE Rogan Podcast, I'll be giving you an ad-free version of the podcast. Thank you for listening to the show. . Joesrogan podcast, I hope you enjoy it! I'll send you a review of the show and you'll leave me a review and review it in the podcast and I won't forget to tell me what you think it's great. XOXO, Joe Rogan Experience podcast, Brian and Brian

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 No, I mean, worst intro ever.
00:00:02.000 Remember?
00:00:03.000 Could you imagine? 1.00
00:00:04.000 These fucking cunts. 1.00
00:00:06.000 I hate doing this show. 1.00
00:00:07.000 The show's stupid. 1.00
00:00:08.000 The people are stupid that listen. 1.00
00:00:10.000 They're just being quiet. 1.00
00:00:10.000 You just hear keys tapping. 1.00
00:00:12.000 Is it on right now?
00:00:13.000 Yeah.
00:00:13.000 We're going live in...
00:00:14.000 The whole thing's happening?
00:00:15.000 Yeah.
00:00:15.000 It's all going on right now, ladies and gentlemen.
00:00:17.000 Ari Shafir is all up in this bitch. 1.00
00:00:22.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. 0.97
00:00:26.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link and enter in the code name ROGAN. You will get 15% off.
00:00:31.000 Ari, I have one for you if you want.
00:00:33.000 I've got a new shipment in.
00:00:36.000 I hear they're wonderful.
00:00:38.000 It's also brought to you by AlphaBrain.
00:00:40.000 AlphaBrain is a cognitive enhancer sold by Onnit.com.
00:00:44.000 O-N-N-I-T.com. 0.99
00:00:46.000 I use it and Brian uses it.
00:00:48.000 We're going to get Ari on it too. 0.99
00:00:50.000 It has its detractors like all wonderful things, but Mayhem Miller's a big fucking fan. 0.99
00:00:55.000 Really? 0.73
00:00:56.000 Yeah, and if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the Onnit link, enter in Rogan, get 10% off that too.
00:01:01.000 How many of the detractors have used it?
00:01:03.000 Very few.
00:01:04.000 People are non-believers.
00:01:05.000 They want to believe in the placebo effect.
00:01:07.000 I'll tell you what, folks.
00:01:10.000 Maybe. 1.00
00:01:14.000 I'm in this shit for results. 1.00
00:01:16.000 Placebo or not, I'm in this shit for results. 1.00
00:01:20.000 Give me a hologram cock ring and let me think that this shit makes my dick work better. 1.00
00:01:26.000 And it probably will make my dick work better. 1.00
00:01:28.000 Placebo. 1.00
00:01:29.000 Just like everybody else. 1.00
00:01:30.000 We're fucking dumb. 1.00
00:01:32.000 Did I tell you about the study on placebos? 1.00
00:01:34.000 You did, and that's one of the reasons why I brought that up.
00:01:37.000 Should we just say it?
00:01:38.000 Yeah, it's brilliant.
00:01:40.000 They did a study on just placebo effects per se.
00:01:48.000 So they gave people what they told them was a placebo.
00:01:51.000 They're in the control group for a low blood pressure heart medication.
00:01:57.000 Something like that.
00:01:59.000 But they told them, we're only giving you the placebo.
00:02:02.000 And it still affected our blood pressure.
00:02:04.000 It went down in the people.
00:02:07.000 Noticeably.
00:02:07.000 Yeah.
00:02:08.000 Like measurably.
00:02:09.000 They think that it has something to do with just concentrating on whatever it is.
00:02:12.000 A ritualistic thing.
00:02:14.000 I'm concentrating on it every day.
00:02:15.000 One of the ladies in the study, like after it ended, she was like, oh, that's great, but I need more of that. 0.80
00:02:20.000 Like my blood pressure is lower.
00:02:21.000 Don't drop me.
00:02:22.000 I want lower blood pressure.
00:02:23.000 And she couldn't get placebos at Rite Aid.
00:02:27.000 That's so crazy.
00:02:28.000 Yeah.
00:02:29.000 How weird is the human brain? 0.90
00:02:31.000 What the hell is going on?
00:02:32.000 Just some sort of regularity helps you.
00:02:34.000 I don't know.
00:02:35.000 Yeah.
00:02:36.000 Thinking about it all the time.
00:02:37.000 Well, there's a dude who's going to come on the podcast and talk about it.
00:02:39.000 His name is Bruce Lipton, and he wrote a book on that very subject.
00:02:45.000 Yeah.
00:02:49.000 And I ran into his, I believe it's his cousin at one of the shows, and the guy gave me the book, and then he contacted me on Twitter, and he's going to come on and explain it to us, and he's a scientist, so he'll be able to break it down and explain exactly What the fuck they believe is going on with the human brain.
00:03:12.000 Understandable.
00:03:13.000 That you and I will be able to grab.
00:03:15.000 The reasonably educated people will be able to grab.
00:03:17.000 But the idea is really strange.
00:03:20.000 Yeah, you can fool yourself into having a real offense.
00:03:23.000 It's so bizarre.
00:03:24.000 It doesn't make any sense.
00:03:24.000 It's so bizarre that we somehow or another have little triggers in our body that we don't know how to push.
00:03:30.000 That's like hero stuff.
00:03:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:03:33.000 Yeah, like when someone gets caught under a car. 0.99
00:03:35.000 Yeah, why can all of a sudden you throw that fucking car off a person? 0.99
00:03:38.000 But by the way, they can, man. 1.00
00:03:40.000 People can do crazy shit. 1.00
00:03:42.000 Well, they say that's because of release of adrenaline. 1.00
00:03:43.000 Yeah.
00:03:43.000 I guess.
00:03:44.000 I guess.
00:03:45.000 Yeah.
00:03:45.000 It's also, you know, a lot of what you can't lift is because you're not willing to tolerate the pain.
00:03:51.000 You know, when you're trying to pick up something really heavy, it's very painful.
00:03:55.000 Your body's sending you a lot of signals.
00:03:57.000 And most of those signals are, uh, listen, this is not a good thing to do.
00:04:01.000 Okay, let's stop.
00:04:03.000 This is heavy. 1.00
00:04:04.000 What the fuck? 0.99
00:04:05.000 This hurts. 1.00
00:04:06.000 Okay, we're going to drop this.
00:04:07.000 I'm telling you right now, we're going to drop this.
00:04:09.000 But when your baby's trapped under your car, all those don't make it then.
00:04:13.000 The only thing is save the baby.
00:04:15.000 And your body just goes into full crazy gorilla mode.
00:04:18.000 We tried to lift the car off train tracks at Bridgetown, Portland Bridgetown Comedy Festival this year.
00:04:23.000 Really?
00:04:23.000 To see if you could do it?
00:04:24.000 We took a wrong turn.
00:04:25.000 Oh no.
00:04:27.000 And he got stuck on the tracks?
00:04:29.000 And he went for it, and he just started skidding.
00:04:31.000 Because it looks like you can drive over the stone part, you know, right outside the tracks.
00:04:35.000 But that drops down, so you just start sliding.
00:04:39.000 Wow.
00:04:39.000 The wheels make no connections.
00:04:41.000 So we had like 12 comics try to lift this car off the tracks so we could back it up.
00:04:45.000 We couldn't do it.
00:04:47.000 We couldn't even get close.
00:04:48.000 We took one tire up. 0.99
00:04:49.000 We're all such pussies. 0.99
00:04:51.000 I can't imagine some lady picking a car up off her kid. 1.00
00:04:54.000 I want to see it.
00:04:56.000 There's probably a video on YouTube or something.
00:04:58.000 Oh god, I wouldn't be able to watch it.
00:05:00.000 Would you be able to watch that?
00:05:01.000 Watch some woman try to pick a baby up? 1.00
00:05:04.000 That would be way too emotional for me.
00:05:07.000 If there is that video, PowerAge should sponsor it.
00:05:11.000 Powerade?
00:05:11.000 You think that would work?
00:05:13.000 Yeah.
00:05:13.000 That would help you rehydrate after lifting a baby or a car off a baby?
00:05:18.000 Yeah.
00:05:18.000 Are they tired?
00:05:19.000 Well, it would give you special strength.
00:05:21.000 It is weird how some people just have way more physical strength than others.
00:05:24.000 It's so clear that we're in some weird phase.
00:05:27.000 You know, like very few animals, I think, vary in size and shape as much as people do.
00:05:33.000 The only thing that's close, I think, is dogs.
00:05:35.000 Dogs are pretty, yeah.
00:05:36.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:05:36.000 And you know, by the way, they don't know where the fuck dogs come from. 1.00
00:05:39.000 Really? 0.99
00:05:40.000 What do you mean? 1.00
00:05:40.000 They don't have a goddamn clue. 1.00
00:05:42.000 This is one of the things they found out when they mapped the genome of the dog. 1.00
00:05:45.000 They thought that it was going to be wolves and a bunch of different wild canids and coyotes and all this different shit. 0.99
00:05:50.000 No, no, no, no. 0.99
00:05:51.000 It's all wolves.
00:05:52.000 It's all wolves.
00:05:53.000 All wolf.
00:05:54.000 So they just bred it just like they breed them now? 1.00
00:05:56.000 They don't have a fucking clue. 0.99
00:05:59.000 No one has ever been able to go from wolf to chihuahua. 1.00
00:06:02.000 Ever.
00:06:03.000 No one's ever documented, hey, I'm going to take this wolf and turn it into a chihuahua.
00:06:07.000 It's one of those things we accept.
00:06:08.000 We don't understand it.
00:06:10.000 It's been around for so long.
00:06:11.000 It's clearly genetic manipulation.
00:06:13.000 Because they had dogs in Egypt, right?
00:06:15.000 Yes.
00:06:16.000 They had cats.
00:06:17.000 We know they had cats.
00:06:17.000 I think they had dogs, but there's no indication of whether or not they had the variation of dogs that we have today.
00:06:23.000 We have a weird variation of little tiny things that are useless. 0.98
00:06:26.000 I mean, you know, cute pets and shit, but big ones that are guard dogs, work dogs, dogs for hunting. 0.98
00:06:33.000 There's so many distinctions. 0.99
00:06:34.000 You ever go to Arizona and just see the wild dogs that are just wandering the streets?
00:06:38.000 That's scary, dude. 1.00
00:06:38.000 That's scary shit. 1.00
00:06:39.000 Yeah, they don't really attack people that I've seen. 1.00
00:06:41.000 They're just sort of like there...
00:06:42.000 There was a story in Georgia a few years back about some wild dogs that killed a man.
00:06:46.000 Really?
00:06:47.000 Yeah.
00:06:47.000 They shouldn't do that.
00:06:48.000 Well, they get to...
00:06:51.000 I mean, they get to PAX, and then they all grow up generation after generation in the woods. 0.99
00:06:55.000 You know, all you need is a couple generations, and you're dealing with a fucking killer animal out there. 1.00
00:06:59.000 That's a scary fucking thing. 1.00
00:07:00.000 If they take out a deer, why wouldn't they take out you? 1.00
00:07:03.000 Yeah.
00:07:03.000 If you're alone by yourself, and there's like 30 of them, and that's how they're traveling.
00:07:06.000 Oh, I finally saw Grizzly Man.
00:07:08.000 Oh, you finally saw Grizzly Man.
00:07:09.000 Yeah, and that's the same feeling I got.
00:07:11.000 I was like, dude, if they're eating their young for food, wouldn't you make the connection that they might also eat you? 0.99
00:07:17.000 That was the most ridiculous guy ever. 1.00
00:07:20.000 It's crazy. 1.00
00:07:21.000 I don't understand how he couldn't see that.
00:07:22.000 Where he's like, oh, they're eating themselves.
00:07:24.000 They're so hungry. 0.98
00:07:25.000 He was just so gay that he was just running away from it. 1.00
00:07:29.000 He was running away from the gayness to the point where he decided to live alone in the woods with monsters. 1.00
00:07:37.000 Big, giant, ridiculous... 1.00
00:07:39.000 They're like rats. 1.00
00:07:40.000 Like giant rats. 0.98
00:07:41.000 That's what it bears like.
00:07:41.000 They seem so calm and peaceful.
00:07:43.000 They're sitting right next to him and then they just...
00:07:45.000 Dude, how about the video where he had one bear who had his back up against a tree.
00:07:50.000 He was, like, scratching his back. 0.98
00:07:52.000 So he's standing full up and scratching his back, and he's, like, fucking 12 feet tall. 1.00
00:07:58.000 Could you imagine this asshole? 1.00
00:08:01.000 He's just sleeping in the bushes with a piece of fabric over his head. 1.00
00:08:05.000 But he did it for years and years.
00:08:07.000 Wow. 0.99
00:08:08.000 Yeah, but what he fucked up is he stayed too long. 0.98
00:08:11.000 He stayed to the point where they were super, super desperate. 0.99
00:08:14.000 Those fall bears...
00:08:16.000 Why do you think he stayed long at this time?
00:08:17.000 He's suicide by bear.
00:08:18.000 You think so?
00:08:19.000 For sure.
00:08:19.000 Yeah, he was massively depressed.
00:08:21.000 That guy was crazy. 1.00
00:08:22.000 If you see how he gets in front of the camera and starts screaming, and the The fucking government doesn't want to fucking save these bears! 1.00
00:08:29.000 That guy's manic. 1.00
00:08:30.000 You think he was trying to commit suicide?
00:08:32.000 Yeah, in a sense.
00:08:34.000 He went back when he had nothing else.
00:08:36.000 That's when he went back.
00:08:37.000 He went back to Alaska, to that area.
00:08:40.000 He went every year, right?
00:08:41.000 Yeah, but he didn't go back this late.
00:08:43.000 He went back in late October into November.
00:08:46.000 That's when the bears are going to sleep.
00:08:48.000 And so the only bears that are up are the bears that were unsuccessful.
00:08:52.000 They're the old ones.
00:08:53.000 They're dying.
00:08:54.000 And that's what happens, man.
00:08:55.000 They die.
00:08:56.000 And we very, very rarely find bare bones.
00:09:00.000 It's really kind of interesting.
00:09:02.000 Bears are massive animals.
00:09:04.000 Yeah, they show that.
00:09:05.000 Only that skull survived when they ate one of the babies.
00:09:07.000 Yeah.
00:09:07.000 Only just this bare skull.
00:09:09.000 Yeah.
00:09:10.000 And they'll probably eat that later.
00:09:11.000 Yeah.
00:09:11.000 And it wasn't killed more than a few days ago.
00:09:13.000 It wasn't like rot.
00:09:14.000 Well, they eat their bones.
00:09:16.000 They eat their dead bodies.
00:09:17.000 The bear that killed this guy, they shot it and killed it.
00:09:21.000 And they came back like two weeks later and there was just a few bones.
00:09:24.000 Gone.
00:09:24.000 Everything gone.
00:09:25.000 Just a few bones scattered around.
00:09:27.000 I found like rib bones.
00:09:28.000 Oh, this is where the rib bone was.
00:09:29.000 But they even eat most of the bones.
00:09:30.000 They eat most of everything.
00:09:31.000 Oh, they're chicken at Hardee's.
00:09:32.000 Well, they're bears, man. 1.00
00:09:34.000 Bears are big fucking animals. 1.00
00:09:36.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:09:37.000 You know, I don't think we can even wrap our heads around what that is.
00:09:40.000 It's a big eating machine.
00:09:42.000 And people just sleep near them. 0.99
00:09:44.000 When those two bears are fighting and the one shit himself? 0.99
00:09:46.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:09:47.000 How crazy was that?
00:09:48.000 That was such great footage.
00:09:49.000 That was amazing footage.
00:09:50.000 Amazing footage.
00:09:51.000 No one else would be that crazy.
00:09:52.000 Wow. 0.68
00:09:53.000 Right there. 0.99
00:09:53.000 And they're really trying to kill each other. 0.99
00:09:55.000 Oh, yeah.
00:09:55.000 It's an amazing fight, what Ari's talking about, between these two bears on this beach, right?
00:10:00.000 It was near the shore of a lake or something like that, or in a field.
00:10:03.000 Yeah, like an inlet or something like that.
00:10:04.000 Yeah, there's water right there.
00:10:05.000 What a scene.
00:10:06.000 I mean, what an epic scene.
00:10:08.000 Going at it?
00:10:09.000 Yeah.
00:10:09.000 And trying to bite each other.
00:10:11.000 It looked like to death.
00:10:12.000 To death, yeah, for sure.
00:10:13.000 Really grabbing each other in the eye and ear. 1.00
00:10:14.000 Yeah, oh, they're trying to fuck each other up. 1.00
00:10:15.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:10:17.000 It's over who gets to fuck. 1.00
00:10:18.000 Yeah, I guess so. 1.00
00:10:19.000 That's what it is, man.
00:10:20.000 That's how they decide. 1.00
00:10:21.000 That's how they decide who gets to fuck. 0.99
00:10:23.000 That's why I don't participate in that at bars. 0.99
00:10:24.000 When I see another guy get involved with the chick I'm hitting on, I'm like, I'm out.
00:10:27.000 I'll see you guys later.
00:10:28.000 Smart.
00:10:29.000 I'm just like, I don't want to deal with this.
00:10:30.000 That's a healthy way of living things.
00:10:33.000 For a chance.
00:10:34.000 Good night.
00:10:35.000 Yeah, and then dudes will get douchey with you. 1.00
00:10:37.000 Yeah.
00:10:37.000 You're like, whoa, settle down, man.
00:10:39.000 I don't even know you.
00:10:40.000 We're supposed to all be, you know, men out here having fun.
00:10:44.000 You're not really angry at me.
00:10:45.000 Why are you snapping?
00:10:46.000 Yeah, if you're really turning on me like that, you're the problem, dude. 1.00
00:10:49.000 You know, if the world was filled with cool people, partying would be the shit. 0.98
00:10:52.000 You know, if the world was filled with people who could hold their liquor, keep their weed under wraps, and when you went out, everybody was cool, and everybody was friendly to everybody, and you didn't have to worry. 0.98
00:11:02.000 Uh-huh.
00:11:02.000 That'd be way better.
00:11:03.000 No, but no. 1.00
00:11:05.000 It's those fucking few douchebags. 1.00
00:11:08.000 What, you like this fucking queer, not me? 1.00
00:11:11.000 This fucking Jew? 1.00
00:11:13.000 Has anybody ever called you a fucking Jew? 1.00
00:11:15.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:11:15.000 Angrily? 1.00
00:11:16.000 I don't know about angrily.
00:11:17.000 Online.
00:11:18.000 Online, yeah.
00:11:18.000 Oh, online?
00:11:19.000 Yeah.
00:11:20.000 I've been called a Jew.
00:11:20.000 Last night, these two guys came up to me at the store.
00:11:24.000 And they're like, oh, we're fans of yours from the Rogan podcast and your podcast and stuff.
00:11:27.000 And I was like, oh, thanks.
00:11:28.000 And Don Barrett's just sneering.
00:11:30.000 I was probably just like...
00:11:32.000 And they're like, what's the matter?
00:11:33.000 He goes, you know you're talking to a Jew, right? 1.00
00:11:36.000 Are you familiar?
00:11:37.000 Did he warn you?
00:11:38.000 Did he give you ample opportunity to get away?
00:11:41.000 I was in the parking lot in West Hills, of all places, and I go to the parking lot.
00:11:49.000 There's a truck there with these white skulls on it. 0.98
00:11:52.000 And I look at it, and there's some shit written in a gothic letter, and it says, White Power. 0.99
00:11:57.000 What? 1.00
00:11:58.000 White Power. 0.95
00:11:59.000 This guy just had this on his car.
00:12:01.000 Was it a movie set?
00:12:02.000 Wow.
00:12:03.000 Dude, no, no, no, no, no.
00:12:04.000 It was just out.
00:12:05.000 That's such a commitment, just doing it out.
00:12:07.000 Yep, it was on the back windows of his truck.
00:12:10.000 It said white power, and I was like, whoa, dude. 0.52
00:12:14.000 It's funny, though, living in the city, because there is movie prop cars I see all the time, because I live in Burbank.
00:12:19.000 I saw an action news car the other day.
00:12:21.000 I'm like, whoa, that's a really cheesy news van!
00:12:25.000 It was just from the new Scream movie or something.
00:12:28.000 Oh, that's funny.
00:12:29.000 Fake news.
00:12:30.000 Fake news fans.
00:12:32.000 Where are the news?
00:12:33.000 Action news. 0.99
00:12:35.000 They pull up with a satellite on the roof and shit. 0.99
00:12:39.000 Yeah. 0.95
00:12:40.000 It's funny how, I mean, all those action news people, like, if you watch, like, any of those action news people or any of those e-entertainment people, they're just interchangeable to me.
00:12:50.000 Oh, yeah.
00:12:50.000 They're just...
00:12:51.000 It doesn't really matter.
00:12:52.000 They're a delivery device.
00:12:54.000 They're not even a human being.
00:12:55.000 I'll turn it on every once in a while and I'll see a new girl. 0.99
00:12:58.000 I'm like, oh, she's pretty.
00:12:59.000 Oh.
00:12:59.000 And here we come.
00:13:01.000 Brad Pitt says, Jennifer Aniston and him still remain friends after all these years.
00:13:06.000 And it's the same human being.
00:13:08.000 They're these really low-frequency projection devices that are disguised as human beings.
00:13:15.000 They're the same person.
00:13:16.000 Didn't they hire that rock band guy once?
00:13:18.000 Yes!
00:13:19.000 Mark McGuire.
00:13:20.000 No, no, no.
00:13:21.000 Mark McGrath.
00:13:22.000 Mark McGrath.
00:13:24.000 Joe knows a little about sports.
00:13:25.000 He goes, I'm pretty sure I'm right. 0.99
00:13:28.000 That guy, yeah, he was doing that, and now he hosts a terrible fucking song show where they have to guess the lyrics. 0.98
00:13:36.000 It's weird. 0.99
00:13:37.000 He's weird. 0.99
00:13:37.000 He's weird because I'm like, this guy's a fucking rock star. 0.99
00:13:41.000 Like, why are you not out? 0.98
00:13:42.000 Why are you doing what I do, dude?
00:13:43.000 Why are you in my lowly hosting genre? 1.00
00:13:47.000 You're a fucking rock star. 1.00
00:13:48.000 He was Sugar Ray, you know? 1.00
00:13:50.000 Like, God damn, man, that band was... 0.99
00:13:53.000 Badass! 0.99
00:13:54.000 That I Just Want to Fly song? 1.00
00:13:55.000 Dude, that song is a fucking hit! 0.99
00:14:00.000 That's a jamming song, man. 0.99
00:14:02.000 Every time I hear that song, I mean, I don't know too much of their other music, but any time I hear that song, I'm like...
00:14:08.000 That was one big hit.
00:14:09.000 I feel like just telling them, listen, if you can do that once for that song, you can do more of that.
00:14:14.000 Please do more of that.
00:14:15.000 That song was awesome.
00:14:17.000 Why are you hosting these shows, man?
00:14:19.000 He must have had a couple hits, right?
00:14:20.000 It's probably being on the road.
00:14:21.000 We wouldn't all remember the name Sugar Ray if it was just one.
00:14:23.000 I don't know, man.
00:14:24.000 I think for a lot of people, sometimes it's just a different opportunity to make money.
00:14:27.000 You don't have to rely on other people. 1.00
00:14:29.000 Fuck it. 1.00
00:14:30.000 Music anyway right now. 1.00
00:14:32.000 It might be he doesn't want to rely on the rest of the people in the band.
00:14:34.000 Sometimes his bands just can't keep it together.
00:14:38.000 Even Keith Richards and Mick Jagger had ego problems. 0.97
00:14:42.000 Keith Richards talked shit about Mick Jagger in his book. 0.96
00:14:46.000 Really? 0.98
00:14:47.000 Dude, you guys have been boys for 70 years. 1.00
00:14:49.000 You've got to talk shit in your shitty book. 1.00
00:14:51.000 What the fuck, son? 1.00
00:14:53.000 You know? 1.00
00:14:54.000 Be honest like Screech.
00:14:56.000 That's what he said. 1.00
00:14:57.000 Screech ruined it for gang bangs on fucking sets all over the world. 1.00
00:15:02.000 Screech ruined it with his big mouth. 1.00
00:15:04.000 You've got to be honest.
00:15:05.000 You've got to be honest.
00:15:06.000 Yapping about these gang bangs.
00:15:08.000 Now, you know, dudes like Mario Lopez can't get his freak on anymore.
00:15:12.000 You know?
00:15:13.000 Let a dude get his freak on. 1.00
00:15:14.000 Why you gotta hate, Screech? 0.94
00:15:15.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00
00:15:16.000 You fucking weak ass bitch. 1.00
00:15:18.000 That Sugar Ray guy has come into the comedy store a few times. 1.00
00:15:20.000 Is he cool?
00:15:21.000 He's a cool audience member.
00:15:22.000 Sits there and laughs.
00:15:23.000 Doesn't call attention to himself.
00:15:24.000 He really went to fly the whole time.
00:15:26.000 I've heard him on Stern before.
00:15:28.000 He's a cool dude, for sure.
00:15:30.000 That's why I don't get it.
00:15:31.000 Like, why are you doing what I could do?
00:15:33.000 You're a rock star, son.
00:15:34.000 Does he have a family?
00:15:35.000 He might have a family. 0.99
00:15:35.000 It might be something just like, hey, look, I'd rather just fucking do this. 0.99
00:15:39.000 I think for a lot of people, too, like I said, it's hard to work with a group of people.
00:15:44.000 Hosting is really a game show, too.
00:15:45.000 You can whip out a couple in a day. 0.99
00:15:47.000 It's easy as fuck. 1.00
00:15:49.000 It's so easy. 1.00
00:15:49.000 It's stealing. 1.00
00:15:50.000 It's stealing.
00:15:50.000 That's what Eliza's doing.
00:15:52.000 She does this show called Exposed, and they play two a day.
00:15:56.000 Really?
00:15:57.000 I recorded it on my DVR, and there's like 30. We've got to get her back.
00:16:01.000 We keep getting accused of not having girls.
00:16:04.000 I just saw her the other day.
00:16:05.000 Destroy. 0.95
00:16:06.000 Destroy.
00:16:07.000 She's hilarious.
00:16:07.000 She also got accused of not having retards, because it's the same difference.
00:16:10.000 Oh, show! 0.66
00:16:11.000 No, we didn't!
00:16:13.000 Speaking of that...
00:16:13.000 Don't you do it again, Shafir!
00:16:15.000 I was at Walmart, and Walmart has those t-shirt sections where it's like the cool kid t-shirts, like it's Elmo, it's like Angry Birds, it's like for people, like, you know, cool people to buy, right?
00:16:25.000 Walmart.
00:16:26.000 Walmart, yes.
00:16:26.000 And so this is really weird that they do this.
00:16:28.000 Ironic, right?
00:16:29.000 Yeah.
00:16:29.000 They have special Olympic shirts now, in the middle, and I almost bought one, but I was like, that's rude, because I would be wearing that as a joke.
00:16:37.000 And I'm like, wait a second, this is in Walmart, wait a second, this is supposed to be a joke.
00:16:42.000 It's supposed to be a joke. 0.99
00:16:42.000 That's fucked up. 0.99
00:16:43.000 So yeah, go to your Walmart and buy them quick, take photos of it, tweet it. 0.99
00:16:48.000 Yeah, if someone's going to find out about that, this could get ugly.
00:16:52.000 I bought one of those.
00:16:53.000 I'm leaving as soon as we get off the air here.
00:16:55.000 I know.
00:16:55.000 I'm running to Walmart.
00:16:56.000 Get them before they pull them.
00:16:57.000 I need to get that just to bring it.
00:16:59.000 I need to wear it on the show.
00:17:00.000 We need to all wear it next show.
00:17:02.000 Alright, we're going to take them all.
00:17:04.000 I'll send a picture.
00:17:05.000 I can't believe it.
00:17:06.000 Walmart, how dare you? 1.00
00:17:07.000 Yeah.
00:17:08.000 I'm saying it right now.
00:17:09.000 How dare you? 1.00
00:17:11.000 Fucking weirdos. 1.00
00:17:12.000 I'm okay with it. 1.00
00:17:13.000 Yeah?
00:17:14.000 Yeah, I think it's funny. 0.70
00:17:15.000 You know, it used to be okay to say retard. 1.00
00:17:17.000 I'm a little upset that you can't say retard anymore, and without people thinking that you're brutally insensitive.
00:17:23.000 I mean, has our society really truly evolved, or are there just these hot-button words now that people choose to act on?
00:17:30.000 Because when you know, when you're calling someone a retard, I'm not saying you have Down syndrome.
00:17:34.000 I'm not saying you have a disease, you have Down syndrome. 1.00
00:17:36.000 I'm saying you're retarded. 1.00
00:17:38.000 You're fucking slow. 1.00
00:17:40.000 Too retard, it's too slow down. 1.00
00:17:42.000 You know what I heard recently? 0.99
00:17:43.000 What?
00:17:44.000 They just changed in New York, they changed at Starbucks, they changed the gender-biased bathrooms to have male and female is, whatever the root is, rude. 1.00
00:17:55.000 It's rude?
00:17:56.000 It's whatever, it's segregating, not segregating, whatever, it's mean to transgender people. 1.00
00:18:00.000 Yeah, because women are disgusting. 1.00
00:18:02.000 Their bathrooms are 50 times worse than guys. 1.00
00:18:03.000 I don't understand that. 1.00
00:18:04.000 So we should be able to all shit right next to each other and guys can lick girls' seats? 1.00
00:18:08.000 Well, their idea was they're all single stalls anyway. 0.99
00:18:10.000 Just make them bathrooms. 1.00
00:18:11.000 Who cares? 1.00
00:18:12.000 I think because women don't like the idea of dirty fucking men sitting their stinky, fat asses. 1.00
00:18:18.000 Have you seen women's? 1.00
00:18:19.000 Their hairy asses down on the seats that they're going to stick their little petite, shaved butt on. 1.00
00:18:25.000 Little pink and plump and peach-like. 1.00
00:18:28.000 Beautiful.
00:18:29.000 Starbucks keeps it clean.
00:18:30.000 You can get unlucky, dude. 1.00
00:18:32.000 You could totally roll snake eyes and walk in a Starbucks with a fucking shit-tastrophe. 1.00
00:18:37.000 A shit-splatter catastrophe. 1.00
00:18:40.000 You know, you're adding in coffee with people that are eating fucking cupcakes and shit. 1.00
00:18:45.000 That's just like lightning rods. 1.00
00:18:46.000 That's like lighting a fuse inside your asshole. 1.00
00:18:50.000 Have you ever been to that one Starbucks where the toilet's just like that floppy handle? 1.00
00:18:54.000 And you're like, oh, come on, this is Starbucks!
00:18:58.000 It won't catch.
00:18:58.000 Yeah, it won't catch, and you've got to lift the lid up if it's one of those.
00:19:02.000 Those are dangerous, though, in public restaurants where you actually lift the lid off yourself.
00:19:07.000 Because then people do the upper-decker where they shit in the upper part of the toilet. 1.00
00:19:11.000 Who would do that? 1.00
00:19:12.000 Assholes. 1.00
00:19:13.000 People I grew up with. 1.00
00:19:16.000 Everybody in Boston.
00:19:18.000 They save it just for those moments? 0.99
00:19:20.000 It's not a fucking goof. 0.99
00:19:21.000 Come on, man. 0.99
00:19:22.000 Listen, it's really cold. 1.00
00:19:24.000 You need some shit to do. 1.00
00:19:25.000 You get bored. 1.00
00:19:26.000 Reap said he took a shit in a coffee mug and put it on top of a, what was it? 0.99
00:19:31.000 A gas thing. 0.99
00:19:32.000 A gas station, yeah.
00:19:34.000 And he would just sit across the street and look at people all day long.
00:19:37.000 Just stare at them pretending to see them.
00:19:39.000 That's awesome.
00:19:40.000 You know why it's funny?
00:19:41.000 Because Reap is a nice guy and we like him. 0.91
00:19:43.000 But it's also funny whenever someone shits on something.
00:19:46.000 It's just funny. 0.99
00:19:47.000 I was watching this Occupy Wall Street thing and this guy's shitting on a police car. 0.97
00:19:53.000 But the way he's doing it is so ineffective. 0.99
00:19:56.000 Because it's like smearing all over his old legs. 1.00
00:19:59.000 I mean, he's like squeezing his ass on his police car and he's shitting all over himself. 1.00
00:20:05.000 And I'm like, this is like the worst way to do that ever. 1.00
00:20:08.000 No, you're supposed to get on top and shit down on it. 0.98
00:20:11.000 I read the headline before I clicked and I'm like, I already pictured it in my head. 0.99
00:20:15.000 Oh, he's probably shitting on the windshield or squatting on the hood. 0.71
00:20:19.000 A puma pose.
00:20:20.000 And then I saw him leaning against it.
00:20:21.000 I'm like, what are you doing? 1.00
00:20:22.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:20:23.000 He's almost using the car as a douche to hold it all in. 1.00
00:20:27.000 Like a shitty douche that's all going to explode around it. 1.00
00:20:30.000 He's wiping his ass, his shit and his ass all over the car. 1.00
00:20:34.000 I would just have my girlfriend spit it out. 1.00
00:20:36.000 That guy must have stunk for a long time. 0.97
00:20:39.000 See, that makes me nauseous. 1.00
00:20:41.000 The smell of other people's shit is the only thing that gets me anymore. 1.00
00:20:44.000 Since my time on Fear Factor puke doesn't make me nauseous. 0.99
00:20:48.000 I could be in a nightclub and someone will throw up right in front of me and I don't even flinch.
00:20:52.000 You ate a bug the other day.
00:20:53.000 One of the e-entertainment people or something like that he interviewed.
00:20:58.000 I said, dude, this is just protein.
00:21:00.000 If we were living in 10,000 years ago, this would be something you would be happy to eat.
00:21:04.000 I almost barfed thinking about that video on your phone.
00:21:07.000 Really?
00:21:07.000 Just thinking about it.
00:21:08.000 The video on my phone we can't talk about, though.
00:21:11.000 Someday we will.
00:21:12.000 Someday we will, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99
00:21:13.000 But right now, due to contractual obligations that I have with Fear Factor, we have to keep some shit under wraps. 0.97
00:21:18.000 When that gets on the air, dude, there's a bunch of shit that we did this season that was so way more over the top than anything we ever did before. 0.99
00:21:27.000 We were just sitting there, standing there, shaking each other's heads like, what the fuck are we doing? 0.98
00:21:32.000 You should have seen Sal's face. 0.99
00:21:34.000 I showed Sal, that video, the owner of Sal's Comedy Club, and he just sat there like he saw a cum ghost. 0.99
00:21:40.000 A cum ghost! 0.95
00:21:43.000 Yeah, like a ghost made up of something. 0.95
00:21:45.000 The bug was nothing.
00:21:47.000 It didn't taste bad at all.
00:21:48.000 Once you know it's okay.
00:21:49.000 What kind of bug was it?
00:21:50.000 It was an African cave-dwelling spider.
00:21:53.000 Oh.
00:21:53.000 It's terrifying.
00:21:54.000 That's one of those ones with the tons of crazy long claws. 1.00
00:21:57.000 Yeah, claws.
00:21:58.000 It's basically a giant, alive crab.
00:22:00.000 How big?
00:22:01.000 Show it next to your fist.
00:22:02.000 How big?
00:22:02.000 Well, when it's spread out, it's about that big.
00:22:05.000 What did you do?
00:22:06.000 Smush it up? 0.99
00:22:06.000 Yeah, I grabbed that bitch by the center and just stuffed it in there and smashed it up. 0.99
00:22:11.000 You didn't just bite the legs off. 1.00
00:22:12.000 Oh, I smashed that motherfucker quick. 1.00
00:22:14.000 I smash them up quick. 1.00
00:22:15.000 But it's a lot of chewing.
00:22:17.000 But it didn't really taste that bad.
00:22:21.000 You knew it's been okay.
00:22:22.000 It's been okay.
00:22:23.000 This won't hurt me.
00:22:24.000 Yeah.
00:22:24.000 People have been eating those things forever.
00:22:27.000 Humans have been eating bugs forever.
00:22:29.000 It's good in any way?
00:22:30.000 No.
00:22:30.000 Could you appreciate it as a taste?
00:22:32.000 It's not bad.
00:22:33.000 Look, those giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches, I had one of those on the show too. 1.00
00:22:38.000 There's a lot that's gross in eating those things, but it's also a good form of protein.
00:22:43.000 If you're really starving to death, you would totally eat that.
00:22:46.000 I think the grossest ones are those big green, what is it, garden?
00:22:50.000 Tomato hornworms?
00:22:51.000 Oh, those!
00:22:51.000 I ate one of those, too.
00:22:52.000 Did it just explode in your mouth?
00:22:54.000 Was it like grapes?
00:22:55.000 Just imagine the guts just pouring out.
00:22:57.000 It was gross.
00:22:58.000 It was.
00:22:58.000 It was really hard to drink.
00:22:59.000 Really hard to drink.
00:23:00.000 What did that taste like?
00:23:02.000 That was real bitter.
00:23:04.000 It tasted like you shouldn't be eating it.
00:23:06.000 Like nature's trying to warn you.
00:23:07.000 Which I always assume they are.
00:23:09.000 I'm not into acquiring any tastes.
00:23:12.000 If I don't like it initially, I don't like it.
00:23:15.000 Caviar was always a weird one to me.
00:23:17.000 It's an acquired taste.
00:23:18.000 Do you like it?
00:23:19.000 Oh, it's acquired.
00:23:20.000 What does that mean?
00:23:21.000 You're going to spend $5,000 for something that's acquired?
00:23:24.000 No. 1.00
00:23:24.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00
00:23:28.000 It's more expensive, but I'm getting into this? 1.00
00:23:30.000 To enjoy some stupid eggs. 1.00
00:23:32.000 But some weird ritualistic thing almost. 1.00
00:23:34.000 It's like, you know, you're getting the eggs of this animal that's very rare.
00:23:38.000 Look, you get to crush its babies before they ever have a chance! 1.00
00:23:42.000 Would you like it on your cracker?
00:23:44.000 Did I tell you when I was fishing with David Taylor in Alaska and we cut open one of the fishes and all these egg things in there?
00:23:49.000 Yeah.
00:23:49.000 And David's like, what's this?
00:23:50.000 And the guy's like, eggs.
00:23:51.000 And he's like, is that caviar?
00:23:52.000 Can I eat it?
00:23:53.000 And this guy's like, yeah, I mean, if you want.
00:23:54.000 So David just started eating more and more of it.
00:23:56.000 Wow.
00:23:57.000 Every time we caught a pregnant salmon, he would just eat more and more of it until eventually he was like, oh, I have to throw up now. 0.76
00:24:02.000 He was so nauseous.
00:24:03.000 From eating all the salmon eggs? 1.00
00:24:05.000 Yeah, you're not supposed to eat fucking a pound of warm salmon eggs. 0.99
00:24:08.000 You're not? 0.99
00:24:09.000 I don't think so.
00:24:09.000 What happens when you do?
00:24:11.000 You barf them, actually, on the open sea.
00:24:14.000 Wow.
00:24:15.000 Yeah, then we grilled on the boat.
00:24:17.000 It was so funny.
00:24:17.000 He was like, I can't look at food.
00:24:19.000 What was he thinking?
00:24:20.000 You think he was just eating it because it was caviar, not that it was good?
00:24:23.000 Yeah, he was like, oh, it's free.
00:24:24.000 I should get this as much as I can right now.
00:24:27.000 Fresh, fresh.
00:24:28.000 Is he German, that guy?
00:24:29.000 He comes from German descent, yeah.
00:24:30.000 Or English.
00:24:31.000 I think he's English.
00:24:31.000 I think there's an issue with salmon.
00:24:34.000 You have to be careful with salmon.
00:24:35.000 You're not even really supposed to eat sushi if you talk to some quote-unquote experts.
00:24:40.000 Yeah, that's fresh water, especially salmon, because salmon has a potential for parasites.
00:24:46.000 It's not likely, but it's got a potential.
00:24:48.000 You don't know.
00:24:49.000 Most of the farm-raised stuff, I have an issue in my head with farm-raised.
00:24:55.000 This is saltwater.
00:24:56.000 This is so good.
00:24:58.000 They taste better, man.
00:25:00.000 This is where it weirds me out.
00:25:02.000 Farm-raised is like pink. 1.00
00:25:04.000 When they put it in a store, they dye that shit. 1.00
00:25:07.000 They dye it pink to make it look like a healthy, wild salmon. 1.00
00:25:11.000 But it literally becomes such a bitch that skin gets white. 1.00
00:25:16.000 It loses its soul. 1.00
00:25:18.000 Yeah.
00:25:19.000 Isn't that crazy?
00:25:19.000 The color drops out of it and it tastes worse.
00:25:23.000 Yeah, it tastes worse.
00:25:24.000 It's not worthy.
00:25:25.000 It's not as worthy to catch.
00:25:27.000 That goes along with my theory that things that can get away real quick are better for you.
00:25:31.000 That's why fish is so good for you. 0.98
00:25:32.000 It's so fucking hard to catch. 0.99
00:25:34.000 Deer is great for you. 0.99
00:25:36.000 It's so hard to catch.
00:25:36.000 They're so quick.
00:25:39.000 What they have is so good that they run away real fast.
00:25:45.000 Nature gave them a chance, and that chance is you get to be faster than the people.
00:25:50.000 I think it's being able to be out and not being depressed.
00:25:53.000 Because farm-raised cows taste better than grain-fed cows.
00:26:00.000 Cows, right?
00:26:01.000 Yes, they do.
00:26:01.000 Well, it's a different taste.
00:26:02.000 Because they can sort of be out.
00:26:03.000 Yeah.
00:26:04.000 I buy grass-fed beef whenever I can, and it's a different taste.
00:26:08.000 It's like a game animal almost.
00:26:10.000 It's really weird.
00:26:12.000 I'm kind of exaggerating, but it's different.
00:26:14.000 It's way, way, way leaner, so you have to be real careful when you cook it.
00:26:17.000 You can't cook it for very long.
00:26:18.000 Oh, really?
00:26:19.000 You can't overcook it.
00:26:20.000 If you overcook it, it'll be really dry.
00:26:22.000 On grass-fed.
00:26:23.000 It's delicious.
00:26:24.000 Well, he's a CrossFit fanatic.
00:26:25.000 Eddie Ift, our buddy, is in crazy shape.
00:26:28.000 Grass-fed beef and raw almond. 1.00
00:26:29.000 He's always trying to get me to squeeze his shoulders and shit. 1.00
00:26:32.000 He's like, dude, I'm fucking CrossFit! 1.00
00:26:34.000 Talking about his deadlifts and feel my fucking shoulders! 0.99
00:26:38.000 When those people do that, it's the same as pretty much you're telling me about your fantasy football team. 0.99
00:26:42.000 Well, you know, for me, I totally see where he's coming from.
00:26:46.000 People think that it's kind of a gross thing about worrying about what your body looks like and being really into your body.
00:26:55.000 There's something gross about it.
00:26:57.000 It's a little vain.
00:26:58.000 Yeah, it is a little vain.
00:26:59.000 But that said, isn't it more fun to have what's essentially a super body? 0.97
00:27:05.000 Isn't it more fun to have a body that can do all kinds of crazy shit that a regular body can't do? 0.97
00:27:10.000 So when Eddie's in there deadlifting and shit and putting these big lifts in and Doing these crazy kettlebell workouts and shit, you just start feeling like, wow, I feel fucking vibrant. 0.98
00:27:23.000 My body feels good like this. 0.98
00:27:25.000 I love the fact that you can go in there and have a ferocious workout and feel fantastic afterwards.
00:27:36.000 It's a lot of work.
00:27:37.000 It is a lot of work, dude.
00:27:39.000 It's a good feeling.
00:27:40.000 I wish I could just...
00:27:41.000 Get that.
00:27:42.000 They just opened this gym up that I've been going to once in a while.
00:27:46.000 Curves?
00:27:46.000 Curves for women.
00:27:47.000 They let me go in there if I tuck it.
00:27:50.000 It's right next to this fast food place I go to.
00:27:55.000 All the beefy guys come in there.
00:27:57.000 What's so weird is this one guy came in there and you looked at him and you're like, that is amazing.
00:28:03.000 His structure, he looks like a real G.I. Joe guy.
00:28:07.000 That looks like a G.I. Joe guy.
00:28:09.000 And then he got his food, and he was getting salsa from the salsa bar, and he was putting it in his bag, and he folded the bag down so angry.
00:28:16.000 Or not angry, but it had to be folded like all the lines had to be perfectly...
00:28:20.000 Like anally? 0.91
00:28:21.000 Anally, yeah.
00:28:21.000 Like all the lines had to be straight and stuff like that.
00:28:24.000 And then this guy goes, oh, here's one more, something like that.
00:28:27.000 And he just got this mad look like he was unfolding it, having to put it in there.
00:28:30.000 And it was like we were both looking at it going, wow, that guy's going to murder somebody.
00:28:35.000 LAUGHTER Every day must do 1,000 chin-ups.
00:28:40.000 One.
00:28:42.000 Two.
00:28:44.000 My friend Masai in college, this Ethiopian guy, used to work out in the top of his lifts. 0.99
00:28:50.000 We'd go, I'm gonna fuck somebody up! 0.98
00:28:52.000 Really? 1.00
00:28:53.000 Fuck somebody! 1.00
00:28:53.000 He liked getting into bar fights. 1.00
00:28:54.000 He loved doing it.
00:28:55.000 Wow.
00:28:56.000 Yeah, that's what kept him going. 1.00
00:28:57.000 Damn. 0.99
00:28:58.000 Did you see that documentary? 1.00
00:28:58.000 He liked getting into bar fights with people? 1.00
00:29:01.000 Yeah, he'd start shit. 1.00
00:29:02.000 Not hard. 1.00
00:29:02.000 You'd have to fight back. 1.00
00:29:04.000 What a dick. 0.99
00:29:04.000 Have you talked about the steroids documentary, Bigger, Stronger, Faster, Smellier? 0.99
00:29:09.000 I don't think so.
00:29:09.000 Have you seen it?
00:29:10.000 No, I never watched it.
00:29:12.000 I watched little clips of it.
00:29:13.000 I actually own it on DVD, but I never bothered watching it.
00:29:15.000 It's not bad.
00:29:16.000 It's pretty interesting.
00:29:17.000 What I didn't know, though, is...
00:29:19.000 Also, they show those cows on there.
00:29:21.000 The steroid cows, which are amazing.
00:29:23.000 Yeah, it's not really a steroid cow.
00:29:25.000 There's this thing that happens to certain cows where it's a myostatin inhibitor and it goes wrong.
00:29:32.000 And when it goes wrong, they grow like three times the regular size of muscle.
00:29:39.000 Is that from what?
00:29:40.000 Testing?
00:29:41.000 No, it's just from breeding.
00:29:43.000 Somehow or another, they're genetics.
00:29:45.000 Oh, I've seen those.
00:29:45.000 Those gigantic cows.
00:29:47.000 Yes.
00:29:47.000 That are like three times the size of a person.
00:29:49.000 And have you ever seen the dogs, too?
00:29:50.000 There's a whippet.
00:29:51.000 It happens to, but specifically to whippets for some reason.
00:29:53.000 What are whippets like? 1.00
00:29:54.000 Whippets are very slight dog.
00:29:57.000 Aren't they big ones anyway?
00:29:58.000 It's fairly big, but it's not a tiny dog.
00:30:00.000 Thin but tall?
00:30:01.000 Yeah, it's a thin dog.
00:30:03.000 But these whippets that have this myostatin inhibitor issue are awful. 1.00
00:30:06.000 I fucking swole! 0.99
00:30:08.000 Really? 1.00
00:30:08.000 Like Captain America? 1.00
00:30:09.000 Dude, like the Hulk.
00:30:11.000 Really? 0.99
00:30:11.000 Like, ridiculous. 0.99
00:30:12.000 Like, you would swear it's photoshopped. 0.79
00:30:14.000 There's photos of them online.
00:30:15.000 I'll find one for you just because you need to peek at it. 0.99
00:30:19.000 It's just the weirdest fucking thing. 0.98
00:30:21.000 How do you spell whippets? 0.99
00:30:23.000 The way I used to do them.
00:30:25.000 They were W-H-I-P-I-T. Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:30:27.000 The two Bs?
00:30:28.000 Maybe.
00:30:29.000 Yeah.
00:30:30.000 Did you have a really good cracker or did you always buy like the cheap plastic ones?
00:30:34.000 Whatever it could be Simon got, that's what I used.
00:30:36.000 I got like this nice chrome one from Wild Rats and stuff.
00:30:38.000 Yeah, yeah, they used to sell them on Hollywood on Santa Monica Boulevard.
00:30:41.000 Come here, Ari, take a look at this real quick. 0.99
00:30:42.000 You just have to see this because it doesn't even seem real.
00:30:45.000 Look at his eyes.
00:30:47.000 Doesn't...
00:30:47.000 That looks like a famous actor.
00:30:50.000 Incredible.
00:30:51.000 Whoa! 0.71
00:30:52.000 Is that incredible?
00:30:53.000 For folks who don't know what this is, just look up Whippets, W-I-P-P... I think it's P-P-T-T-E-S? Whatever it was. 1.00
00:31:00.000 Look up Whippets. 1.00
00:31:01.000 You'll find it.
00:31:02.000 It's dummy-proof, the internet these days.
00:31:05.000 It'll offer you suggestions.
00:31:06.000 I'll try to put it on e-streams.
00:31:07.000 But whippets on steroids, if you look at it, you'll find this poor dog with this defect that comes from... 1.00
00:31:12.000 For some reason it happens more commonly with whippets.
00:31:18.000 I read it explained, but I don't remember the explanation.
00:31:20.000 But essentially this myostatin inhibitor issue just gives them this incredible amount of muscle.
00:31:26.000 The dog looks like something out of a cartoon.
00:31:30.000 It looks like something out of...
00:31:32.000 Did you see the Hulk?
00:31:33.000 No, I never saw it. 1.00
00:31:34.000 The fucking one with Eric Bana was the shit with Nick Nolte. 1.00
00:31:37.000 And the dogs, they had these crazy dogs that were infected with the Hulk serum. 1.00
00:31:43.000 The dogs would turn into Hulk dogs.
00:31:44.000 Oh no, when they got mad?
00:31:45.000 Yeah, the dogs would get mad.
00:31:47.000 And they would become Hulk dogs. 0.96
00:31:48.000 And they were fucking ridiculously awesome. 0.96
00:31:51.000 And the Hulk dogs and the Hulk got in a fight. 0.96
00:31:53.000 Oh, okay.
00:31:54.000 They were against each other.
00:31:55.000 Epic!
00:31:56.000 Dude, it was awesome.
00:31:57.000 Epic moment in 3D special effects.
00:32:00.000 Really?
00:32:00.000 When they were regular dogs, were they cool?
00:32:03.000 No, they knew what was up.
00:32:04.000 They were working for the bad guy, bro.
00:32:06.000 They were working for the bad guy.
00:32:08.000 He jacked them with the Hulk serum.
00:32:11.000 See, that's not real.
00:32:12.000 If it was, you could jack them with the Hulk serum.
00:32:14.000 They would just be mayhem. 0.95
00:32:15.000 They wouldn't know how to attack for you unless you were trained killer dogs already.
00:32:19.000 But why would the dog listen to you once it becomes the Hulk?
00:32:21.000 Yeah, it would just do whatever it wants. 1.00
00:32:22.000 The fuck am I listening to you, stupid? 1.00
00:32:23.000 It would just do mayhem. 1.00
00:32:24.000 I'm the Hulk dog!
00:32:27.000 Yeah, it would just bark and you would go flying across the room just from the bark.
00:32:32.000 Like the Transformers would do that.
00:32:33.000 The evil Transformers would do that. 0.77
00:32:35.000 Yeah.
00:32:35.000 Just to create havoc.
00:32:37.000 But...
00:32:38.000 Oh, two dogs.
00:32:39.000 They try so hard with the Hulk movie that they just redo it with different people.
00:32:42.000 Hey, the Hulk head is for sale right now, by the way.
00:32:45.000 The Hulk head?
00:32:45.000 Yeah, and they're selling all these, like, real props, like the Iron Man, like, vest and stuff like that, and one of the things was the Hulk head.
00:32:54.000 I tap out way before.
00:32:55.000 Really?
00:32:55.000 I'm not that geeky.
00:32:57.000 No.
00:32:57.000 Yeah.
00:32:58.000 But they were saying that prices, like, so far prices have been around the thousands, like $1,000, $2,000.
00:33:02.000 I'm like, wow.
00:33:03.000 Can you imagine just coming in and going to your living room and having this glass case with the Hulk head just sitting there going, ah!
00:33:09.000 That'd be badass.
00:33:10.000 That would be pretty badass.
00:33:11.000 The original Hulk, what's his name?
00:33:13.000 I think it was from the first...
00:33:14.000 Lou Ferrigno?
00:33:14.000 Is this from that one?
00:33:15.000 No, no, I think it's from the first new movie.
00:33:18.000 Oh, so it is a...
00:33:20.000 Is it something that they animated?
00:33:22.000 Like, what is it?
00:33:23.000 No, no, it's...
00:33:24.000 I don't know, I'll show you.
00:33:25.000 Giant prop.
00:33:25.000 Did I tell you when Lou Ferrigno was telling me to stop smoking?
00:33:28.000 He told you?
00:33:29.000 Yeah, I took acting class with his wife once a long time ago, and we were all standing outside, just waiting around during a break, so we were all smoking.
00:33:37.000 And he was sitting in the car waiting for her to come out, and he's like, hey, you shouldn't smoke.
00:33:43.000 And I was like, yeah, I know, it's bad for me, I know.
00:33:46.000 And then I turned back around to my friend, and I turned back around to see him after like a minute, and he's still just staring at me, and he goes, I said you shouldn't smoke.
00:33:55.000 And I was like, yes sir.
00:33:56.000 He made you put it out.
00:33:58.000 No, he just said it more forcefully.
00:34:00.000 Wow.
00:34:01.000 He just said it more serious.
00:34:02.000 And I was like, I'm not taking a chance.
00:34:03.000 This guy's so big.
00:34:05.000 He's Lou Ferrigno.
00:34:06.000 Yeah.
00:34:06.000 He was on the Man Show when I was hosting it.
00:34:08.000 Really?
00:34:08.000 And I met him and I said, hey Lou, I'm Joe.
00:34:11.000 Thank you very much.
00:34:12.000 It's really an honor to meet you.
00:34:13.000 I was always a huge fan ever since back in the Pumping Iron days.
00:34:17.000 And he goes, oh thanks, I'm really excited.
00:34:20.000 Do you work out?
00:34:22.000 To you?
00:34:22.000 That's what we said.
00:34:23.000 You work out.
00:34:24.000 I'm like, son, you don't see all this.
00:34:28.000 Do I work out? 1.00
00:34:29.000 Where the fuck you think this shit comes from, kid? 1.00
00:34:31.000 You think I was born with this motherfucker right here? 1.00
00:34:34.000 Come on, kid. 1.00
00:34:34.000 What if you were born with it? 1.00
00:34:35.000 You'd have such a horrible life. 1.00
00:34:37.000 It'd be ridiculous. 1.00
00:34:38.000 Just giant muscles in your arms. 0.82
00:34:39.000 Like those mutant kids that you see once in a while. 1.00
00:34:41.000 Those shit photos of those really muscular kids. 1.00
00:34:44.000 It was just so surreal talking to Lou Ferrigno. 1.00
00:34:47.000 Lou Ferrigno and I were talking about working out.
00:34:51.000 What do you want to talk to him about?
00:34:52.000 Do a lot of kettlebells.
00:34:53.000 I like to do jiu-jitsu.
00:34:55.000 What do you think about those kettlebells?
00:34:56.000 Oh, don't do that, dude.
00:34:57.000 What?
00:34:58.000 Make fun of the man.
00:34:59.000 It's Lou Ferrigno, bro.
00:35:00.000 I ain't making fun of Lou Ferrigno, kid. 0.98
00:35:02.000 You are going to die.
00:35:02.000 I love Lou Ferrigno.
00:35:04.000 You're going to be at a Subway one day.
00:35:06.000 You got the impression now.
00:35:08.000 Just you had to take it to the lowest common denominator, Ari.
00:35:10.000 You went for the low-hanging fruit.
00:35:12.000 You didn't know it anywhere around.
00:35:15.000 I was trying to be on him's side.
00:35:17.000 These hulks don't talk, man.
00:35:18.000 Did that hulk talk?
00:35:19.000 No, actually, this was a hulk stand-in, because it was CGI. I think it's what they used for the cameras and stuff like that.
00:35:27.000 Let me see what it looks like.
00:35:28.000 Does it look good?
00:35:29.000 It looks pretty creepy, man.
00:35:30.000 You're not buying that thing.
00:35:31.000 Don't buy that.
00:35:32.000 What are you talking about, Ari?
00:35:32.000 What are you, my dad?
00:35:34.000 I'm going to buy it now.
00:35:35.000 And it's on a stick, too.
00:35:36.000 It's on TMZ. Oh, son...
00:35:40.000 No, I'm probably not going to buy it.
00:35:42.000 It's pretty dope.
00:35:44.000 I'll tell you what I would buy. 0.99
00:35:46.000 I would buy the head of the American werewolf in London.
00:35:49.000 Oh, the original?
00:35:50.000 Best werewolf of all time. 0.97
00:35:51.000 There's been a few werewolf movies that have been kind of fun over the years, but none can fuck with an American werewolf in London. 0.98
00:35:58.000 That movie rules. 0.98
00:36:00.000 It looks so real.
00:36:02.000 And it was a long ass time ago, dude. 1.00
00:36:05.000 They did that shit in the 80s. 1.00
00:36:07.000 That movie rocks. 1.00
00:36:09.000 It looks so much better than that fake Star Wars stuff. 0.99
00:36:12.000 When that thing was in London, when it was fucking people up in the streets, when it came out of the dirty movie theater, it kills everybody in the dirty movie theater, and then it's walking on the London streets, they showed just enough of it to scare the fuck out of you. 0.90
00:36:27.000 They didn't have to close up, show the thing, move it around, because when you do that, then people get used to it. 0.95
00:36:34.000 And they knew how to do it back then.
00:36:36.000 The special effects were not nearly as sophisticated back then.
00:36:40.000 Cujo scared me so bad that I walked 45 minutes out of my way once to get back home after seeing it.
00:36:45.000 Instead of the 7 minutes I would have taken to walk straight.
00:36:47.000 Dogs are terrifying.
00:36:48.000 Cujo should be scary.
00:36:51.000 Yeah, they knew how to...
00:36:52.000 I mean, the American Werewolf in London people, I guess it's John Landis and whoever else was involved in creating...
00:36:57.000 John Landis did that?
00:36:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36:59.000 Whoever else was involved in creating the imagery behind it did such an awesome job.
00:37:03.000 The special effects guy was supposed to be some legendary special effects guy.
00:37:06.000 Oh, it's Rick Baker.
00:37:07.000 He's the man.
00:37:08.000 But he's also...
00:37:09.000 The guy who did The Last Wolfman with Benicio Del Toro.
00:37:14.000 And I didn't like that special effects at all. 0.54
00:37:16.000 I thought that was a silly choice.
00:37:18.000 Really?
00:37:19.000 What was it like? 0.99
00:37:20.000 They went with this Lone Chaney Jr. look from whoever the fuck the original Wolfman was. 0.99
00:37:26.000 Is it Lone Chaney Jr.? 0.99
00:37:27.000 I don't know.
00:37:27.000 Who was the original Wolfman?
00:37:29.000 Don Knotts.
00:37:31.000 I'm almost positive.
00:37:32.000 I'm going to get you, see.
00:37:33.000 So many likes I'm not.
00:37:36.000 You know what I mean?
00:37:36.000 I don't know.
00:37:38.000 Oh, Claude Rains.
00:37:41.000 Well, it says Claude Rains and Lone Chaney Jr. I'm not sure which one was the monster.
00:37:46.000 I think it's Lone Chaney Jr. Yeah, and they went to look like him?
00:37:48.000 Yeah, my point is that movie was from 1941, man.
00:37:51.000 And so what they did is like an updated version of it.
00:37:54.000 Well, did it look real?
00:37:55.000 No.
00:37:56.000 See, I don't mind if it looks like a thing.
00:37:57.000 That's just a stylistic choice.
00:37:58.000 But as long as it looks real as that version of it.
00:38:00.000 Well, their idea was they wanted to be a real person instead of a CGI thing, because they had this great actor.
00:38:08.000 When do you get an actor as good as Benicio Del Toro to play a wolfman?
00:38:13.000 So use him to embody the beast.
00:38:16.000 And then you'll do some CGI, like his legs were CGI'd, so they bat backwards, like all dogs' legs and shit like that, which is really weird that he's walking upright on those. 0.54
00:38:24.000 Yeah. 0.54
00:38:25.000 It's a movie.
00:38:26.000 But the real issue is the exact opposite of what you got from The American Werewolf in London.
00:38:32.000 From The American Werewolf in London, there was mystery. 0.99
00:38:35.000 There's a scene where this guy gets killed in the London subway, this shithead. 1.00
00:38:40.000 And he's kind of a shithead, so you're kind of happy when he dies. 1.00
00:38:42.000 You're rooting for the death. 1.00
00:38:43.000 He's a dickhead, and he's just stumbling fuck, and he's trying to hold on to his briefcase. 1.00
00:38:47.000 So he's running, and this thing's chasing him, and he falls down on an escalator. 0.99
00:38:52.000 And as he's going on this escalator up, you see the thing at the bottom of the escalator, and that ends the scene.
00:38:58.000 And it's terrifying.
00:39:00.000 You just know what's going to happen.
00:39:01.000 It's terrifying.
00:39:01.000 You don't have to see it kill him.
00:39:03.000 It's terrifying.
00:39:04.000 Because they just played it just enough where you don't even get to see it.
00:39:08.000 He sees it and you can see it in his eyes and he runs and then you hear the thing in the background making this crazy noise and he's running and you can't see it.
00:39:16.000 And then finally, in the end of the scene, you see it at the bottom of the stairs.
00:39:19.000 And that's all you need, man.
00:39:20.000 That's all you need.
00:39:22.000 That movie is the absolute perfect horror monster werewolf movie.
00:39:27.000 I've got to watch that again now.
00:39:28.000 It's the best.
00:39:29.000 And it's got some humor in it. 0.99
00:39:30.000 There's some pussy in there. 1.00
00:39:32.000 He gets laid. 1.00
00:39:33.000 Shazam! 0.80
00:39:34.000 It's everything you want out of a movie.
00:39:36.000 Werewolves.
00:39:36.000 I forgot about that one.
00:39:37.000 Hot English bitches. 1.00
00:39:39.000 Holla at your boy. 1.00
00:39:41.000 That's what...
00:39:42.000 I forgot what I was just saying.
00:39:44.000 I don't know.
00:39:45.000 But if I had a head, that's what I would buy.
00:39:47.000 I wouldn't buy the Hulk head.
00:39:48.000 Oh, you'd buy that?
00:39:49.000 I would buy the American Werewolf in London.
00:39:50.000 I would buy Robocop, probably, or something like that.
00:39:52.000 Something also from your childhood where you remember it.
00:39:54.000 Or Star Wars.
00:39:55.000 Anything Star Wars. 0.97
00:39:56.000 Dude, this desk is so fucking weird. 0.93
00:40:00.000 Yeah, it's a little weird. 0.99
00:40:01.000 You're such a, like... 1.00
00:40:02.000 It's just a mixture of the weirdest shit I've ever seen. 1.00
00:40:05.000 Stevia and marijuana and knives, dog tags, weird reading glasses, magnets and skulls. 0.99
00:40:13.000 It's my Mayan skull. 0.99
00:40:14.000 Inca fucking, one of these, belt buckles. 1.00
00:40:18.000 Stanley Kubrick's Odyssey, the hidden secrets. 1.00
00:40:20.000 It looks like what's buried with a mummy. 1.00
00:40:22.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:40:24.000 God, if they uncovered this 2,000 years from now, I'd be like, what was this place? 1.00
00:40:30.000 Yeah, if this was like a pyramid and they came in here and were like, wow, these treasures.
00:40:33.000 These must be treasures.
00:40:34.000 This is all a mixture of my message.
00:40:36.000 Must have been a collector.
00:40:37.000 Pile all this together and this is my message. 0.99
00:40:40.000 Well, you know, if you look around my house, I collect a lot of weird shit. 0.98
00:40:43.000 Yeah, I can see you buying that giant hood. 0.99
00:40:46.000 Putting it somewhere.
00:40:47.000 I probably would.
00:40:47.000 If you weren't here, and if you didn't make fun of it, you might have saved me.
00:40:51.000 Saved me from a ridiculous purchase.
00:40:54.000 eBay does get me in trouble, though.
00:40:55.000 Is that one of those things?
00:40:56.000 It's like five grand, too?
00:40:57.000 Where somebody's going to make a huge purchase on something?
00:40:59.000 Yeah, probably.
00:41:00.000 It's at two grand now.
00:41:01.000 If it's on eBay, it'll probably jack up.
00:41:04.000 The last day, they say, on eBay is where it really all goes down.
00:41:07.000 The last five seconds.
00:41:09.000 Really?
00:41:10.000 They have these things called eBay sniping, I think is what it's called.
00:41:14.000 I think they're programs that automatically sit there and at the last second just throw in real fast math to try to beat it real quick.
00:41:22.000 Wow.
00:41:23.000 Dude, that kind of stuff kind of freaks me out.
00:41:26.000 Like little bots and little things that people are incorporated on the web.
00:41:31.000 What do you mean?
00:41:33.000 So you can automatically bid at the last second?
00:41:35.000 Anything like that, where people automate things.
00:41:38.000 It's like when you open up the door for hoaxters and opportunists and coders and people who know how to tweak things.
00:41:47.000 Remember when you used to play Quake online and people would get bots?
00:41:51.000 Drink.
00:41:52.000 Drink.
00:41:53.000 You know what a bot is? 1.00
00:41:55.000 Yeah, it's bullshit. 0.99
00:41:56.000 What a bot is, here's what it is. 0.99
00:42:00.000 There's artificial intelligence involved in Quake.
00:42:03.000 And they figured out a way to, when they make the game, it's a 3D first-person shooter.
00:42:09.000 So you're running through all these crazy corridors, and you see other characters in there, and you shoot at each other.
00:42:13.000 You're looking at it through your own perspective.
00:42:16.000 And when they make these video games, you can have one of these artificial intelligence people and just insert them into the game.
00:42:27.000 So then he just plays for you?
00:42:28.000 Yeah.
00:42:28.000 Well, you can also have it set up so you never miss.
00:42:32.000 You can have a bot that just knows.
00:42:34.000 See, it reads the code.
00:42:36.000 Of course not.
00:42:37.000 It's cheating.
00:42:38.000 It reads the code and it knows absolutely exactly where your character is at all times.
00:42:43.000 So every time you press the launch button, you cannot miss.
00:42:46.000 So you're just killing people in like three seconds as soon as you see them.
00:42:49.000 And I've played with people like this online and it's really frustrating.
00:42:52.000 It's like you're not playing a real person.
00:42:54.000 And they're laughing at home like, I'm doing it.
00:42:56.000 Doing what? 1.00
00:42:57.000 This is stupid. 1.00
00:42:58.000 Obviously you're going to beat me like this. 1.00
00:43:00.000 Yeah, I don't know what my point was.
00:43:02.000 I had a point.
00:43:03.000 Oh, what do you think of these bots that automatically bid on you? 1.00
00:43:05.000 Oh, that kind of shit. 1.00
00:43:07.000 They'd have ruined Quake. 1.00
00:43:09.000 Never draw that train back to the original.
00:43:11.000 Thank you.
00:43:11.000 That's very nice, dude.
00:43:11.000 Never.
00:43:12.000 Strong memory.
00:43:15.000 Yeah, that was a very circuitous route we just took in this conversation.
00:43:18.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:43:20.000 My friend did that to me in college.
00:43:21.000 It was early on, but he could automatically tell me to keep calling your phone over and over again, my dorm phone.
00:43:26.000 So it would just fill out my voicemail.
00:43:28.000 Why would he do that? 1.00
00:43:29.000 Just to be a dick. 0.99
00:43:31.000 The problem is, when you give people that power, it's like, alright, it was funny once. 1.00
00:43:35.000 Don't keep doing it for a fucking month. 1.00
00:43:37.000 You have to trust shitty pranksters. 1.00
00:43:40.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:43:40.000 When you have comics for friends, man, comics are always... 0.99
00:43:44.000 It's like, alright, I got it.
00:43:45.000 I got it.
00:43:46.000 It was good.
00:43:47.000 Leave it alone.
00:43:48.000 Have some code of ethics about your pranks. 1.00
00:43:49.000 Trying to fuck with people. 0.99
00:43:51.000 I got some excellent footage of Brendan Walsh putting a girl's chaps on in Houston. 1.00
00:43:57.000 I'm not sure he wants that shit on YouTube. 0.99
00:43:58.000 Putting a girl's chaps? 0.99
00:44:00.000 Yeah, but holla at him, Brendan B-R-E-N-D-O-N Walsh on Twitter, and contact him and tell him, yo, release the info, dude.
00:44:12.000 It's hilarious.
00:44:14.000 He's in his underwear in a country western bar.
00:44:16.000 He takes his pants off.
00:44:17.000 Really?
00:44:17.000 He's trying to put on the waitress's chaps, and I got a video of him.
00:44:20.000 I'm interviewing him while this is going down, and he's pie-eyed drunk.
00:44:24.000 Just pie-eyed drunk.
00:44:27.000 He's going to be in Ontario this weekend, right?
00:44:29.000 Yes, yeah.
00:44:30.000 He's going to be in the Ontario Improv this weekend with Joey and me.
00:44:33.000 Where are you at, Ari, this weekend?
00:44:34.000 This weekend I'm here.
00:44:35.000 You're here?
00:44:35.000 You're in Hollywood?
00:44:36.000 You're doing the store?
00:44:37.000 My Storyteller Show is on next Thursday, actually.
00:44:39.000 Storyteller Show next Thursday, the Improv?
00:44:41.000 Yeah.
00:44:41.000 What is that date?
00:44:44.000 20th.
00:44:44.000 Powerful.
00:44:45.000 I'm in town.
00:44:45.000 I'll be there.
00:44:46.000 Nice.
00:44:46.000 Just to lend support.
00:44:48.000 What's the subject?
00:44:49.000 Halloween stuff?
00:44:50.000 I got no stories for you. 1.00
00:44:51.000 You're on your own, bitch. 1.00
00:44:53.000 I lived in a haunted house for a little bit. 1.00
00:44:57.000 Really?
00:44:58.000 Yeah.
00:44:58.000 As a dare to win some will?
00:45:00.000 No. 1.00
00:45:01.000 If you really believe in that shit, which I pretty much don't. 1.00
00:45:07.000 Yeah, in haunted houses? 1.00
00:45:08.000 Not really.
00:45:09.000 I don't really.
00:45:12.000 My grandmother was supposedly psychic. 0.67
00:45:17.000 I'm good, thanks.
00:45:18.000 My grandmother was supposedly psychic. 0.67
00:45:21.000 She was a very, very strange lady.
00:45:23.000 And she did no things.
00:45:25.000 She had this weird way of like, she would tell you, like she told my father just out of nowhere, or my grandfather rather, she told him out of nowhere, Joe, call your mother.
00:45:34.000 Call your mother right now.
00:45:35.000 And he was like doing some crossword puzzle.
00:45:37.000 They were always like, this is how they would talk to each other.
00:45:39.000 She would yell at him and he would go, alright, alright, alright.
00:45:42.000 He goes to visit his mom and as he gets to his mom's house as she dies, he is there the moment she dies.
00:45:51.000 As he walks in the door, he gets to see her last seconds of life and she says goodbye to him and then she dies.
00:45:58.000 Wow.
00:45:59.000 And somehow or another, my grandmother knew this.
00:46:01.000 And it could have been just a crazy lucky guess. 1.00
00:46:05.000 It could have been total bullshit. 1.00
00:46:06.000 She wanted him out of the house and she just got lucky. 1.00
00:46:08.000 You know, scientifically, who knows?
00:46:10.000 Yeah, and then she died the next day. 1.00
00:46:14.000 She did weird shit. 1.00
00:46:14.000 And they changed the story over the years. 1.00
00:46:16.000 She would do weird shit. 1.00
00:46:17.000 Like one time, she woke my mother up out of her bed and brought her downstairs. 1.00
00:46:22.000 And then five minutes later, the roof collapsed over her bed and fucked her bed up. 1.00
00:46:27.000 There was weird shit like that. 0.99
00:46:29.000 Well, anyway, they had a guy. 0.99
00:46:30.000 This is back in...
00:46:32.000 My grandparents lived in Newark, New Jersey.
00:46:34.000 And it started out in an all-Italian neighborhood, and then it became an all-black neighborhood, then it became an all-Puerto Rican neighborhood, and Dominicans, and all these other people moved in.
00:46:44.000 And my grandparents, they stayed there forever.
00:46:47.000 And at one point in time, they were renting the room out, apparently, to some dude, and the dude died.
00:46:52.000 And they swore that this dude was still in the house.
00:46:56.000 His ghost?
00:46:56.000 Yeah.
00:46:57.000 And that was like where I was staying.
00:46:58.000 I was staying in that same room.
00:46:59.000 Did you ever see anything? 0.99
00:47:00.000 I didn't see shit. 0.99
00:47:01.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:47:01.000 I didn't see shit. 1.00
00:47:02.000 I walk around with my dick in my hand like, what? 1.00
00:47:05.000 I'm not scared of ghosts. 1.00
00:47:06.000 Come blow me then, ghost. 0.99
00:47:07.000 I'll piss on a ghost. 1.00
00:47:08.000 Come blow me right now. 1.00
00:47:09.000 What are you, you gonna scare me? 1.00
00:47:10.000 Woo woo?
00:47:11.000 Woo woo, you're not even there.
00:47:12.000 You're translucent, bro.
00:47:13.000 I can go right through you. 1.00
00:47:14.000 Sperm, stupid. 1.00
00:47:15.000 Stop bothering me. 1.00
00:47:15.000 Ghosts never kill, huh? 1.00
00:47:16.000 No, they don't do shit. 1.00
00:47:18.000 You have to be a total pussy to be scared of a ghost. 1.00
00:47:20.000 Those fucking ghost shows, too, drive me bananas. 1.00
00:47:23.000 They never find anything? 1.00
00:47:24.000 There's nothing there, you fucks. 0.99
00:47:27.000 Then explain these Geiger readings. 0.99
00:47:28.000 They have a circle that they'll highlight on a screen.
00:47:32.000 Look, at this moment, there's something appears behind the dresser. 1.00
00:47:35.000 There's nothing behind the dress, you asshole. 1.00
00:47:37.000 That's lit in your screen. 1.00
00:47:39.000 The fuck are you talking about? 0.99
00:47:40.000 You have a camera from 1978. We are down in the basement and the readings are off the chart. 1.00
00:47:45.000 This is amazing.
00:47:46.000 It's all night vision.
00:47:48.000 - I don't hear it now. - I don't hear that, I don't hear that, do you hear that?
00:47:52.000 I don't hear it.
00:47:53.000 - One of the first-- - Bob?
00:47:55.000 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - One of the first threads I ever did on your message board was, my sister, I think it was, she went to this haunted house, a famous haunted house in West Virginia, and they stayed at, and she took a photo using her camera, and one of the first things I ever posted on your forum was like these photos, because it actually had like a person that looked like because it actually had like a person that looked like a ghost standing on the porch, And it was fucking creepy.
00:48:17.000 I've been trying to find that photo for so many years.
00:48:20.000 I lost it.
00:48:21.000 It's not in your archive thing anymore.
00:48:23.000 But the photo's a ghost now, too.
00:48:25.000 Well, what do you think of...
00:48:28.000 I can't believe I'm going to even ask you this.
00:48:30.000 But, do you know the orbs thing?
00:48:33.000 Do you know about orbs?
00:48:35.000 No.
00:48:36.000 Okay.
00:48:37.000 This is where it gets hilarious.
00:48:39.000 There's apparently...
00:48:40.000 Hold on, hold on, hold on.
00:48:41.000 Before you start this, I just want to say, whenever I hear stories like this, I know in my brain that I can call it.
00:48:48.000 I'm always like, alright, what's this story going to be about?
00:48:52.000 Whatever these things are, orbs, we're so awesome, why am I just hearing about it now?
00:48:56.000 Because you know what it is.
00:48:57.000 You probably know it by some other name.
00:48:59.000 You know what I mean?
00:49:01.000 Any story like that, or going into the light when you die, or whatever it is, I want to hear it.
00:49:06.000 Well, it's a photographic artifact, mostly from digital photography.
00:49:12.000 And what it is, it shows these little circular things that look like...
00:49:17.000 It's probably dust in the air.
00:49:19.000 It catches the flash, and it creates little orbs.
00:49:23.000 It looks like little orbs.
00:49:24.000 But people are convinced that it's like positive spirits.
00:49:27.000 Oh, they're beings.
00:49:28.000 And that the dust is like positive spirits.
00:49:30.000 And the more dust, I guess, you collect around you, these are like little fairies. 1.00
00:49:34.000 So hoarders are like...
00:49:36.000 What they believe is, some people believe that when you have all this positive energy, that that positive energy actually manifests itself in these spheres, but that you cannot see it.
00:49:46.000 It can only be viewed when it's photographed.
00:49:48.000 Question.
00:49:48.000 How do they know that they are positive fairies, not negative energy fairies?
00:49:52.000 Because they say, if you talk to the people who really believe in it, Eddie Bravo, they say that it shows up when you have positive thoughts and positive energy.
00:50:01.000 I've seen some really compelling pictures.
00:50:03.000 I've seen some really interesting pictures of people happy, smiling, and they're holding their hands up, and there's orbs all around their photo.
00:50:11.000 But it also could be Lent.
00:50:13.000 Has there ever been a picture of somebody happy and somebody not happy?
00:50:17.000 Yeah, it's usually just dust.
00:50:18.000 It's a reflection on dust and stuff.
00:50:19.000 But there's definitely a lot of weird shit that happens in photos that isn't dust.
00:50:25.000 But the problem is that everyone thinks anything means it's a ghost. 0.98
00:50:29.000 It's gotta be an alien.
00:50:30.000 It's gotta be a ghost.
00:50:31.000 Why does it have to be that?
00:50:32.000 Speaking of which, have you guys heard about this new Photoshop thing that removes the blur?
00:50:37.000 How is that?
00:50:38.000 If you take a photo, say, and it's like a blurry photo, it can calculate where each image went wrong and how it all stretched out, and it can turn it into an un-blurry picture.
00:50:50.000 What?
00:50:51.000 Yeah.
00:50:51.000 What it pretty much looks, it looks at the photo and does its math, like how the blur is.
00:50:57.000 And it finds the path that if you're holding the camera...
00:51:00.000 It just infers what it would have been?
00:51:01.000 Yeah, like if you're holding the camera and you're taking a photo and it goes a little right when you take a photo, it can see that in the camera by the blur, like how the blur is.
00:51:09.000 And so it tries to reverse that and straighten it back together.
00:51:12.000 That's amazing.
00:51:13.000 And it works really well.
00:51:14.000 One of my favorite things on the iPhone is when...
00:51:17.000 You open up a picture, and it opens up, but it stays blurry for a second, and you're like, I can already see it.
00:51:21.000 Let's see it better.
00:51:23.000 And then it goes bloop, and it gets all clear.
00:51:25.000 I love it.
00:51:25.000 I love that feeling.
00:51:27.000 It's amazing.
00:51:28.000 You guys should definitely upgrade to the cloud thing.
00:51:30.000 It's nice.
00:51:31.000 I can now look at every photo on my home computer right now.
00:51:35.000 It streams everything from your home computer.
00:51:38.000 Constantly streams.
00:51:39.000 Constantly. 1.00
00:51:39.000 But does that mean if you lose your phone, someone's going to see all your dick pictures? 1.00
00:51:44.000 No, because you have a password lock on it. 0.98
00:51:47.000 By the way, I just found out about this program.
00:51:49.000 I can't find it yet, and I can't remember the name, but there's this program that you can put on your iPhone that if somebody gets the passcode wrong, it will automatically take a photo using the front camera.
00:52:01.000 And so then if you lose it, then you can track it also using Google Maps, and you can play alarms, and you can have it recorded.
00:52:08.000 Where do you play that from?
00:52:08.000 Your computer?
00:52:09.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:52:09.000 Like, bitch, I know you got my phone. 1.00
00:52:11.000 Yeah, I can't remember the name of it. 0.99
00:52:12.000 You play that stuff from your computer at home?
00:52:14.000 Like you control it from a separate place?
00:52:16.000 Yeah, you control it from your mobile me account or whatever it is now.
00:52:19.000 iCloud.
00:52:20.000 Yeah, so it's in the iCloud.
00:52:21.000 Wow, weird.
00:52:22.000 Yeah.
00:52:23.000 I can't remember their name, though. 1.00
00:52:24.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:52:24.000 It's like Slingshot or something. 1.00
00:52:26.000 Somebody tweet that shit to us. 1.00
00:52:28.000 Please. 1.00
00:52:29.000 I know you're out there.
00:52:30.000 You owe weirders or hoarders of information.
00:52:34.000 That video they had on the voice control was totally amazing.
00:52:40.000 Siri? 0.50
00:52:40.000 Steve Jobs? 0.50
00:52:41.000 Siri, yeah. 1.00
00:52:42.000 You know what bugs me about it is that now people are going to be using that shit all day and just having fucking conversations with their phone. 1.00
00:52:51.000 There's going to be all these robots talking everywhere. 1.00
00:52:54.000 You're going to be in a coliseum and you're just going to hear like tons of robots.
00:52:58.000 Tell me what's playing at the movies.
00:53:00.000 You know that's just going to happen.
00:53:03.000 They're just going to wander around talking to their...
00:53:05.000 Call Margaret.
00:53:07.000 I can't wait to talk with her. 1.00
00:53:10.000 I heard you could fuck with it and ask it crazy questions like, who made you? 1.00
00:53:14.000 Would you marry me? 1.00
00:53:16.000 See, that's where it would be cool if you hack Apple. 0.99
00:53:19.000 If Apple let people do shit to it, like you could do to Unix or Linux or something like that, because then you could make fuck mods. 1.00
00:53:28.000 You could have some dirty bitch that gives you your text messages. 1.00
00:53:30.000 Like, oh, you dirty bitch. 1.00
00:53:33.000 Tell me what kind of texts I got. 1.00
00:53:36.000 Oh, this is what I got.
00:53:37.000 First, I got a message. 1.00
00:53:37.000 I'm going to suck your dick real good since I see you, baby. 1.00
00:53:40.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00
00:53:41.000 How's my text looking?
00:53:42.000 I would make an answer.
00:53:42.000 Ari Shaffir said.
00:53:44.000 And then she reads your text message. 1.00
00:53:45.000 She can say, like, dirty shit to you. 1.00
00:53:48.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:53:48.000 Oh, you dirty boy. 1.00
00:53:49.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:53:50.000 Oh, you want your message from Ari? 1.00
00:53:51.000 You want that, don't you, you little bitch? 1.00
00:53:53.000 Thousands and thousands of programmed responses to various questions that possibly could come up, and you could just talk dirty to this bitch. 1.00
00:54:00.000 They should have an app. 0.98
00:54:00.000 They should have a program. 0.98
00:54:01.000 They should have an app where a girl, you can keep track of her cycle, and the way it'll show you where you are in her cycle is how much a guy can get away with not using a condom. 1.00
00:54:10.000 Really?
00:54:11.000 Yeah.
00:54:12.000 So when she's closer to ovulating, it slips right in.
00:54:14.000 Yeah, it's like full condom.
00:54:15.000 Maybe like three condoms on the picture of the guy or something.
00:54:18.000 And then she's like, whenever the time is when she's totally not fertile. 0.75
00:54:22.000 Just so blast away.
00:54:24.000 Condoms are the grossest things of all time.
00:54:26.000 Really up there.
00:54:28.000 They're necessary, don't get me wrong.
00:54:30.000 But Jesus Christ. 1.00
00:54:33.000 Stupid fucking rubber sword over your dick. 1.00
00:54:36.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00
00:54:38.000 Nonsense. 0.99
00:54:39.000 We're so gross, though. 1.00
00:54:40.000 We're so gross, we give each other cooties through our dicks and pussies. 1.00
00:54:44.000 I mean, it's not just an issue of making people, which is most certainly a fucking issue, because there's a lot of people you fuck that you don't want to make people with. 1.00
00:54:53.000 That's a dirty goddamn trick of nature that we need to fix. 0.99
00:54:56.000 Pronto, you know? 0.99
00:54:57.000 Instead of trying to fucking get rid of the Fed, listen, let's try to fix that. 0.98
00:55:01.000 Let's try to fix this fucking equals making people thing. 0.98
00:55:04.000 How about that? 0.99
00:55:04.000 Equals making people, yeah. 0.99
00:55:05.000 How about we just fuck for fun, and then if you want to make people, you know, you have to... 0.99
00:55:09.000 Yeah, we should be able to turn something off. 0.99
00:55:10.000 It should be a better...
00:55:11.000 I was really considering a vasectomy the other day.
00:55:13.000 Shazam.
00:55:13.000 Put like 10 minutes of serious thought into it.
00:55:16.000 You're crazy. 1.00
00:55:17.000 Why? 1.00
00:55:18.000 If you don't want kids, it's a good move. 0.98
00:55:19.000 That would be one of the worst things that could happen to me right now, is I get someone pregnant. 1.00
00:55:23.000 Well...
00:55:23.000 So why would it be crazy to like...
00:55:25.000 It's cheaper to own a gun.
00:55:27.000 Yeah, right.
00:55:29.000 You say that, but you know what, man?
00:55:30.000 It sounds crazy, but if you had a chick that you were really into and you had a little Ari hanging around you, you would love it.
00:55:36.000 You would love it in a way that I couldn't even describe to you.
00:55:40.000 It just seems like a huge commitment and a huge time eater.
00:55:44.000 You've just got to meet the right guy.
00:55:45.000 And what if it was some girl I just met and talked to her?
00:55:49.000 That's the issue.
00:55:50.000 It was annoying and it's not cool enough to get rid of it.
00:55:52.000 I have several friends that have children with people they don't like.
00:55:55.000 I know a bunch of people in that situation, and it's a sad situation.
00:55:58.000 That's what I mean.
00:55:59.000 That's the worst thing that could happen to me right now.
00:56:00.000 Yeah, but it doesn't mean that your relationship has to be like that.
00:56:04.000 I wish there was a reversible way, because that's the only negative.
00:56:06.000 At some point I'll want to do this with somebody else.
00:56:08.000 Well, I believe there is. 0.99
00:56:09.000 I believe there's new technology that they attach a clip, and it basically pinches off where your dick sauce comes out. 0.99
00:56:18.000 Really? 0.99
00:56:18.000 Like over a Doritos bag? 0.99
00:56:20.000 And I don't know how it works, but your body just sort of reabsorbs it.
00:56:23.000 So your loads are all just blanks. 0.97
00:56:25.000 Oh, I bet you must shoot like a gigantic thing of sperm the next time when you open up the floodgates. 1.00
00:56:30.000 Yeah, once you pop it, but they're all dead. 1.00
00:56:33.000 So you're pushing forth fucking armies of dead people like an Indiana Jones scene. 0.99
00:56:38.000 New carpet? 1.00
00:56:40.000 That's what it'll smell like.
00:56:42.000 That's what your loads would smell like?
00:56:43.000 For like a week or two.
00:56:44.000 You know how that smell when you first go into an apartment when they've just done painting and laying the carpet down?
00:56:50.000 I like that.
00:56:50.000 It smells new.
00:56:52.000 It smells like it should.
00:56:53.000 It smells clean.
00:56:55.000 Such a crapshoot apartment living.
00:56:57.000 It's always a crapshoot.
00:56:58.000 We always had weird neighbors, man.
00:57:01.000 Have you ever had an apartment where you had cool neighbors?
00:57:03.000 Every now and then you hear about somebody who's got some setup somewhere and there's a cool apartment building in a small place.
00:57:09.000 Yeah.
00:57:10.000 And everybody's cool.
00:57:11.000 I'm only friends with my next-door neighbors.
00:57:13.000 They both work at the store nearby me, too.
00:57:16.000 Oh, they both work at the store?
00:57:17.000 Yeah, and so it's like...
00:57:18.000 Oh, that's crazy.
00:57:19.000 I smoke outside with one of them sometimes.
00:57:21.000 So you got three people from the Comedy Store and one little...
00:57:24.000 No, no, no.
00:57:24.000 They work at the...
00:57:25.000 No, no.
00:57:26.000 Oh, the Corner Store.
00:57:27.000 Is that what you're saying?
00:57:28.000 Oh, the one right below you.
00:57:29.000 Yeah, not the Comedy Store.
00:57:30.000 Yeah, no, you got a nice, convenient setup with that store right there, too.
00:57:32.000 Is that Store 24 Hours?
00:57:33.000 No, 2 a.m. 1.00
00:57:35.000 Dude, those bitches. 1.00
00:57:36.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:57:36.000 Weak-ass bitches. 1.00
00:57:37.000 It's okay. 1.00
00:57:38.000 Sometimes I've been upped to a point like, what time do they open?
00:57:40.000 Please, six?
00:57:41.000 Never six.
00:57:42.000 There used to be, one point in time, a 24-hour pool hall, Hollywood Billiards.
00:57:45.000 It was a 24-hour pool hall in L.A., and it was awesome.
00:57:48.000 I came here before the earthquake.
00:57:50.000 And it started closing at two?
00:57:51.000 And then it just closed at two?
00:57:52.000 No, what happened is...
00:57:53.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:57:54.000 But no, they moved.
00:57:55.000 They moved from their location.
00:57:56.000 Oh, that wasn't their original location?
00:57:58.000 No, their original location was downstairs.
00:58:00.000 I forget what street it was on.
00:58:02.000 But it was an awesome, old, seedy place. 0.96
00:58:05.000 And I came down here to do some shit for MTV Me, and I did this little thing, this little... 0.98
00:58:10.000 Rockin' Spring Break? 0.98
00:58:11.000 No, it was like a pilot thing we did.
00:58:13.000 It was me and a couple different people tried it with me.
00:58:17.000 And they just had me out here for a few days.
00:58:19.000 But one of the highlights of my trip was I got to go to that Hollywood Billiards before it went under.
00:58:23.000 It was just badass.
00:58:24.000 When I went downstairs, I was like, oh, sign me up.
00:58:27.000 This place is perfect.
00:58:28.000 I saw people arguing over how much to bet.
00:58:30.000 I saw people playing pool for money.
00:58:34.000 And it was like 2 o'clock in the morning.
00:58:35.000 And I saw some posers.
00:58:36.000 I saw some, like, you know, some...
00:58:38.000 I don't want to say posers.
00:58:39.000 People didn't really know how to play pool that well, I should say.
00:58:41.000 Not posers.
00:58:42.000 People just banging balls around.
00:58:43.000 So there was, like, regular people, and there was, like, you know, there was that actor from... 1.00
00:58:48.000 Fuck what movie was he in. 0.99
00:58:50.000 Sixteen Candles. 1.00
00:58:51.000 What was that?
00:58:52.000 The dude who...
00:58:53.000 Michael Thomas.
00:58:54.000 Oh, yeah.
00:58:55.000 What is his name?
00:58:56.000 Michael Hall.
00:58:56.000 The one that was just in the news for...
00:58:58.000 Michael Hall.
00:58:58.000 Yes, that guy.
00:58:59.000 That guy, that guy.
00:59:00.000 C. Michael.
00:59:00.000 Oh, Michael Hall.
00:59:01.000 I saw him there.
00:59:02.000 I also saw him in the Hollywood...
00:59:03.000 I don't know what his name at all.
00:59:05.000 Hollywood Athletic Club, that was another place that was an awesome little pool hall that closed down.
00:59:10.000 They used to be able to play pool at a bunch of different places. 1.00
00:59:12.000 I like a stupid sport. 1.00
00:59:14.000 It's dying. 1.00
00:59:15.000 It's dying right in front of me.
00:59:16.000 And I won't accept it.
00:59:17.000 Too much space.
00:59:18.000 It's too fun.
00:59:18.000 It's too fun to play.
00:59:19.000 That's not why it's dying.
00:59:20.000 Oh, that's why you won't accept it.
00:59:21.000 I won't accept it. 1.00
00:59:22.000 They're crazy. 0.99
00:59:22.000 It's very... 0.99
00:59:23.000 Motherfuck, you fucking mother. 1.00
00:59:26.000 It's not mine. 1.00
00:59:27.000 It's mine.
00:59:28.000 It's my home phone.
00:59:28.000 It doesn't do the cool party anymore.
00:59:30.000 Now I don't even care about it anymore.
00:59:32.000 Stop that.
00:59:33.000 Oh, the guesswork?
00:59:33.000 Yeah, that's even better if you're going to have it ring.
00:59:35.000 At least have a robot voice.
00:59:36.000 Call from Joey.
00:59:38.000 Coco Kings.
00:59:39.000 I'll do the podcast.
00:59:39.000 I'll call you right back.
00:59:41.000 Damon Taylor.
00:59:43.000 Damon Taylor.
00:59:46.000 I haven't talked to that yet.
00:59:49.000 Another call from whoever.
00:59:51.000 That was an important character.
00:59:52.000 Really?
00:59:53.000 Yeah, I was supposed to.
00:59:53.000 I forgot to tell him I couldn't do this.
00:59:55.000 I have to do a podcast.
00:59:57.000 I had to talk to him real quick.
00:59:58.000 President?
00:59:58.000 Was it the president?
00:59:59.000 Was it Obama? 1.00
01:00:00.000 Have you been following the latest news now on what Obama's killing us all of raping our children? 0.99
01:00:05.000 Yeah, it's medical marijuana. 1.00
01:00:06.000 It's so pathetic. 0.99
01:00:08.000 They're going after medical marijuana on an aggressive way. 1.00
01:00:14.000 Hold on, hold on.
01:00:15.000 Okay, yeah, well, I just want to know if this is the Attorney General, or if it's Obama, or if it's the state's attorneys.
01:00:21.000 Like, is Obama saying, okay, go for it?
01:00:23.000 The Obama administration changed its stance, and the stance was originally that they would only go after people who violated both state and federal law.
01:00:34.000 What's that name?
01:00:35.000 Phone's off the hook.
01:00:36.000 Phone's off the hook.
01:00:39.000 Yeah, but the problem with state and federal law is the state law, I've seen parts of it, it said you can't operate for profit, which everyone sort of does.
01:00:47.000 And it's just sort of like, what's for profit, what's not?
01:00:50.000 I don't think you're allowed to have profit, but you're definitely allowed to make money to actually pay for employees, I think, and things like that. 0.96
01:00:58.000 So I think if you do do it by the book, and not like some of these places that's also selling cocaine and shit.
01:01:01.000 No one gives all their money to the employees. 0.82
01:01:03.000 They take some for themselves.
01:01:04.000 That's why you run a business.
01:01:06.000 I wish I believed them.
01:01:07.000 I wish I believed that what they were really doing was eradicating the evil people who were a part of this peaceful medical marijuana scene.
01:01:14.000 Peaceful and helpful medical marijuana scene.
01:01:15.000 And what we're going to do is just eradicate the ones that are problems.
01:01:19.000 But if you really were caring about people, that's not what you would concentrate on first.
01:01:23.000 You wouldn't concentrate on people distributing marijuana.
01:01:26.000 Even if they were doing it illegally.
01:01:27.000 What are they doing?
01:01:28.000 They're getting good stuff out to people illegally.
01:01:30.000 You're making me not have to go to a shitty part of town or to deal with some sort of criminal behavior to get the same stuff.
01:01:36.000 Not only that, but it becomes a matter of priorities when it comes to law enforcement. 1.00
01:01:40.000 Like, you incompetent fucks. 1.00
01:01:43.000 Like, why are you paying attention to this? 1.00
01:01:46.000 This is a non-issue that hurts no one.
01:01:48.000 And you're paying attention to this.
01:01:50.000 That's the problem.
01:01:50.000 You know why I think this might happen?
01:01:51.000 I think this might get legalized in California.
01:01:55.000 Closing a bunch of them?
01:01:57.000 I think the potted to that point come out and go, oh, okay.
01:01:59.000 We don't have the deal.
01:02:02.000 But the issue still stands.
01:02:03.000 It's not a state.
01:02:04.000 It's a federal issue, is what you don't understand.
01:02:07.000 The federal government, regardless of whatever the state chooses, is still saying.
01:02:11.000 Everywhere in America.
01:02:12.000 Well, they're first starting, supposedly, they're supposedly starting in San Diego, because I guess San Diego is, like, one of those areas where everyone around it, there's a very high, like, people don't want it there as much as Los Angeles.
01:02:23.000 They're very conservative.
01:02:24.000 Yeah, very conservative.
01:02:24.000 And so what now they're doing is they're attacking the publications and, like, newspapers and...
01:02:31.000 For doing what?
01:02:32.000 For advertising it.
01:02:34.000 Because supposedly there's, like, this ridiculous law, like, you're not allowed to...
01:02:38.000 I don't mind that.
01:02:39.000 ...advertise anything that's illegal or, like...
01:02:41.000 Illegal drugs.
01:02:42.000 You can't advertise cigarettes in magazines anymore.
01:02:45.000 You can at all?
01:02:46.000 I don't think so.
01:02:47.000 I think it used to be no cartoons and a lot of people.
01:02:49.000 I think it was just never.
01:02:51.000 Wow.
01:02:53.000 We'll leave with it, but it's sort of harmful.
01:02:55.000 I wonder what the numbers are.
01:02:57.000 How much have people dropped off of smoking cigarettes?
01:03:00.000 I bet a lot.
01:03:01.000 You think so?
01:03:02.000 I bet a lot.
01:03:03.000 I don't think kids are smoking as much.
01:03:05.000 I think you can't smoke in public places.
01:03:08.000 I think one of the biggest things for me is back in the day, you know, you smoked cigarettes, but everybody, you could smoke in restaurants, you could smoke anywhere. 0.99
01:03:14.000 Now it's kind of a pain in the ass. 0.98
01:03:15.000 So those peer pressure moments, there can be a lot more peer pressure moments. 0.99
01:03:18.000 Right.
01:03:19.000 Exactly.
01:03:21.000 I have no idea if it's less or more people.
01:03:23.000 I'm going to ask you this question.
01:03:25.000 According to an article in the LA Times from 2007, American smoking rates declined in the seven years leading up to 2004, but remained steady from 2004 to 2007. Wow.
01:03:37.000 Largely due to a cut in funding for smoke prevention programs.
01:03:41.000 So that means that works.
01:03:42.000 Yeah.
01:03:43.000 Tobacco industry doubling its marketing spending.
01:03:47.000 Just to keep it even.
01:03:48.000 Yeah.
01:03:49.000 Doubling.
01:03:50.000 Doubling.
01:03:50.000 Since 1997, tobacco consumption in developing countries has increased at an annual rate of 1.7% according to the UN Food and Agricultural Organization.
01:03:59.000 The key to the question is...
01:04:03.000 Is that heavy marketing from the tobacco industry?
01:04:07.000 It seems like it steadied off when this study was made or whatever in 2007. When I was growing up, my first high school, there was no question I would not be smoking.
01:04:16.000 It was like I would never try that.
01:04:18.000 Really?
01:04:18.000 You meet other kids and you're like, oh, well, they're sort of normal.
01:04:20.000 They do it.
01:04:21.000 Okay.
01:04:21.000 Maybe I could.
01:04:23.000 Yeah, in between classes, I would smoke.
01:04:24.000 I would go outside and smoke.
01:04:26.000 Really?
01:04:26.000 In high school?
01:04:27.000 Yeah, we had this bridge that we could just crawl underneath.
01:04:30.000 Dude, you gotta watch out for your health, man.
01:04:32.000 So I freaked out.
01:04:34.000 We have to talk about this on the podcast because so many people got so attached to it on Twitter.
01:04:40.000 Our last podcast we did, Brian and I had a little hissy fit.
01:04:45.000 I was ragging.
01:04:46.000 Well, I was tired and I had been working a lot and I had a short fuse and Brian was hammered.
01:04:53.000 And I was hammered because I've been doing this juice diet.
01:04:57.000 So I wake up and have juice.
01:05:00.000 I go to bed and I have juice.
01:05:01.000 And so I was in the car and Bert's like, let's drink!
01:05:05.000 And I'm like, uh, okay.
01:05:06.000 So we got all this beer.
01:05:07.000 I had like three or four beers and by the fourth beer, I was so...
01:05:11.000 If you listen to my voice, I could barely talk.
01:05:15.000 Remember when you'd always say you're not slurring is the way you always talk?
01:05:21.000 Brian gets pie-eyed.
01:05:24.000 Everyone's like, we don't care.
01:05:25.000 He never wants to admit it. 0.99
01:05:28.000 Everybody else, I'll talk to Ari, I'll be like, I'm fucking wasted! 0.99
01:05:32.000 How did this happen off a beer? 0.98
01:05:34.000 Well, I do get slurried fast.
01:05:36.000 Like, way fast.
01:05:38.000 Do you really think it has something to do with that carbon monoxide poisoning?
01:05:41.000 I have no idea.
01:05:42.000 Do you really think about that every now and then?
01:05:44.000 Did that affect you? 0.92
01:05:45.000 You know, looking back at it, it seems ridiculous.
01:05:49.000 You know, that I... I guess to say the story again, I rented out...
01:05:53.000 When I was in college, I had this place, and I had the top room, which was like the attic, but it was badass.
01:05:59.000 It was like brick walls.
01:06:00.000 It was really badass.
01:06:01.000 So carbon monoxide was leaking in there?
01:06:03.000 Brick walls on one side and then shitty windows on the other side and it was drafty. 0.97
01:06:08.000 And so there was only one heat vent that came out of this brick that I had my bed right underneath because I lived in Ohio so it was fucking cold. 0.81
01:06:17.000 And so the heat would just come out of this vent and warm up the whole entire room.
01:06:22.000 Yeah.
01:06:22.000 And when I was moving out, the landlord was going through to make sure I didn't destroy anything.
01:06:27.000 And they go, whoa, whoa, whoa, why is that thing not covered up? 0.98
01:06:30.000 I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? 0.97
01:06:32.000 And they're like, no, that's the carbon dioxide furnace outtake. 0.99
01:06:38.000 That's supposed to be covered up.
01:06:39.000 It's supposed to be like a chimney.
01:06:40.000 It's like an exhaust.
01:06:41.000 Exhaust, yeah.
01:06:42.000 So what do you think it does to you?
01:06:44.000 He cooked his brain.
01:06:46.000 And that's why you slur?
01:06:47.000 He says he used to be able to talk better.
01:06:49.000 I think how I originally said it was like, yeah, I think it definitely made me have a slight little stutter or a little thing.
01:06:57.000 I don't think it dramatically changed anything.
01:06:59.000 Is that one of the side effects of carbon monoxide?
01:07:01.000 Slurring?
01:07:02.000 I have no idea.
01:07:03.000 But think of how crazy that is that you just said that.
01:07:06.000 You think that sleeping in this house might have given you a certain stutter.
01:07:09.000 Yeah.
01:07:10.000 Is it a starter when you drink?
01:07:12.000 If you look at old videos of myself, I think that.
01:07:14.000 It's nice to think that, right?
01:07:16.000 But it's also, you look at old videos of me, and I'm like, no, I'm just the same crazy person I've always been.
01:07:20.000 I talk the exact same.
01:07:22.000 I just slept through.
01:07:23.000 Somebody wrote something, and this is a good idea, and this would help you.
01:07:29.000 We were talking about...
01:07:32.000 Being able to communicate.
01:07:33.000 And I think a lot of the slurring...
01:07:34.000 You know what would help you tremendously?
01:07:36.000 If you would write things.
01:07:38.000 I really think if you...
01:07:39.000 What do you mean writing?
01:07:40.000 I know.
01:07:41.000 I know.
01:07:41.000 I know what you're saying.
01:07:42.000 You think that helps you not slur?
01:07:43.000 I think it helps you form sentences better.
01:07:45.000 Help form ideas better.
01:07:47.000 It was an idea that somebody had on the message board.
01:07:50.000 And it was a very astute idea.
01:07:52.000 And the guy said that when you write and you get used to writing things, it helps you form sentences and phrases in your head better.
01:07:58.000 Yeah, but you know, when I'm out, like, off the air, you know, when I'm off the air, I'm, like, at the Olive Garden, or I'm sorry, Applebee's, or wherever I'm at, I'm just having a conversation, so I'm not stuttering, I'm not finishing sentences.
01:08:10.000 Slurring when you drink is normal.
01:08:11.000 You guys are all really focusing on me getting really stoned, and then two seconds later, sitting down and talking on a mic. 1.00
01:08:18.000 I know the same shit. 1.00
01:08:19.000 I slur when I drink. 1.00
01:08:21.000 That's not what I mean.
01:08:23.000 Sometimes, I mean, I'm not talking about just general talk.
01:08:25.000 I'm talking about, like, sometimes you have an idea.
01:08:27.000 And you're having a hard time figuring out how to get it out.
01:08:30.000 Doesn't that come from reading, too?
01:08:32.000 When you read a lot more, doesn't your vocabulary go way up?
01:08:35.000 It does, yes, unquestionably.
01:08:37.000 But I also think writing... 1.00
01:08:38.000 Stupid actresses still sound really smart. 1.00
01:08:41.000 Because they read a lot? 1.00
01:08:42.000 Because they read scripts all day long.
01:08:43.000 Really?
01:08:44.000 Yeah.
01:08:44.000 They have to read a bunch of them.
01:08:45.000 They just keep reading them over and over again.
01:08:48.000 That's interesting.
01:08:49.000 I've never thought about it that way.
01:08:50.000 You've known new actresses that move out here. 1.00
01:08:52.000 Yes. 1.00
01:08:53.000 There are a lot of stupid hot chicks. 1.00
01:08:55.000 Yeah, oh yeah. 1.00
01:08:56.000 A lot of them are.
01:08:57.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:08:57.000 And those go on to succeed, some of them.
01:08:59.000 I always wonder how much is stupid and how much is they've never been exposed to anything other than this narrow band of mental operation. 1.00
01:09:08.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:09:08.000 And they just stay in that sort of low-end entertainment to night frequency. 1.00
01:09:14.000 Right.
01:09:17.000 They just stay in that frequency. 0.98
01:09:18.000 Is that dumb or is that just they're comfortable there? 0.98
01:09:21.000 I guess that's what they're into, yeah. 0.99
01:09:23.000 Because otherwise they wouldn't watch it.
01:09:24.000 The news is on the other channel. 1.00
01:09:25.000 There's some smart people out there that like stupid shit. 1.00
01:09:27.000 I know that's true. 1.00
01:09:28.000 It's gotta be. 1.00
01:09:29.000 Yeah, some stupid stuff. 1.00
01:09:31.000 That's okay. 1.00
01:09:33.000 I think there's more crazy in Hollywood than anything. 1.00
01:09:36.000 There's so much fucking crazy. 1.00
01:09:38.000 It's ridiculous how much crazy. 0.99
01:09:40.000 When you hang out with somebody that's not crazy and you meet somebody new, you're like, oh my god, I can see that this person's not crazy and I just hang out with crazy so much that I feel like everybody's that.
01:09:51.000 Yeah, there's so many weirdos that hang out at the comedy store that you just sort of take it for granted, like a boom shakalaka. 0.64
01:09:56.000 And you're like, oh, it's just a normal part of your life having to deal with those people. 0.93
01:09:59.000 Whenever I was around that dude, I was always ready to kick him in the chest.
01:10:03.000 I was always ready for a bum rush that I don't expect. 1.00
01:10:06.000 He'll hit people and fucking scream at people. 1.00
01:10:08.000 He sells good shit, man. 1.00
01:10:10.000 I bought a lot of shit from that guy. 1.00
01:10:11.000 He has good stuff for a dollar. 1.00
01:10:14.000 Remember that dude with monkey paw?
01:10:17.000 Monkey bones.
01:10:18.000 Monkey bones.
01:10:19.000 He used to always have those cool lighters.
01:10:22.000 Boob lighters.
01:10:23.000 Lighters, knives.
01:10:25.000 Robert William Aparvaia.
01:10:26.000 Shockers, yeah. 0.99
01:10:27.000 He's the king of the crazy people. 0.97
01:10:28.000 He's still closing out. 0.93
01:10:29.000 Does he really still?
01:10:30.000 He still closes out the show.
01:10:31.000 I enjoyed my conversations with Robert.
01:10:33.000 He and I had a very interesting little friendship.
01:10:36.000 He's a schizophrenic, I guess?
01:10:39.000 Yeah.
01:10:39.000 I don't know.
01:10:40.000 He was always nice to me.
01:10:41.000 He was always complimentary.
01:10:42.000 He was always very gentleman.
01:10:44.000 I'd rather be on his team than the other team.
01:10:46.000 Yeah, me too.
01:10:47.000 People who torment him.
01:10:47.000 Yeah, I don't think that's nice.
01:10:49.000 I'll play along with your game, but I'll just be on the good side.
01:10:51.000 I think he's a nice guy.
01:10:53.000 I accidentally reached out my hand to shake him recently.
01:10:55.000 I think I knew it, but I forgot. 0.99
01:10:58.000 And he freaked that fuck out. 0.99
01:11:00.000 And I'm like, I felt so bad. 1.00
01:11:01.000 Because now he thinks I'm on the bad side, I think.
01:11:04.000 Oh, no, no.
01:11:05.000 He's scared of people.
01:11:06.000 I'll talk to him for you.
01:11:08.000 Don't worry.
01:11:09.000 He likes me.
01:11:11.000 If I see him, I would be happy to talk to him.
01:11:13.000 I like Robert.
01:11:14.000 That would be funny, though, if you had conversations every night.
01:11:17.000 Like, hello, Joe.
01:11:18.000 I don't know his story, but apparently he was like a lawyer, right?
01:11:24.000 Went to NYU, played on some sort of college basketball team.
01:11:31.000 Maybe a Division II. City College or whatever.
01:11:34.000 But yeah, then he came out here to do whatever and he went a little crazy.
01:11:37.000 Wow.
01:11:38.000 He thought he was next in line to host The Tonight Show because he'd attended more tapings of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson than anyone else.
01:11:45.000 So he hates Jay Leno.
01:11:47.000 He hates him.
01:11:48.000 He thinks he stole it from him.
01:11:49.000 He calls him Lemon Jell-O. He's got a weird disconnect.
01:11:53.000 But I don't know why I always enjoyed being around that guy.
01:11:56.000 If I have like a roach left, you know, instead of throwing away, like, hey, Robert, you want this?
01:12:01.000 What kind of pot is this?
01:12:02.000 What strain?
01:12:03.000 Oh, thank you very much.
01:12:04.000 Yeah, I love how he asks what it is, too.
01:12:06.000 He really wants to know.
01:12:07.000 That's great.
01:12:08.000 Who's the guy that hangs out at the comedy store?
01:12:10.000 He always has glasses on and this blonde, weird, shaggy hair and a weird mustache or something.
01:12:16.000 I think he was a ding-donger at one time, an older guy. 1.00
01:12:18.000 But he's like, I just found out.
01:12:20.000 Is he a schizophrenic surfer?
01:12:21.000 No.
01:12:22.000 No, but it's like that.
01:12:23.000 But this guy, he's kind of on that same kind of thing.
01:12:27.000 And I found out he's an action star in India.
01:12:30.000 One of the number one Indian action stars.
01:12:33.000 He's been doing these videos, and they're really popular.
01:12:36.000 And this whole time, I'm like, oh, he's just this Ding Donger guy that always hangs out here. 0.99
01:12:40.000 Wow.
01:12:40.000 He's an action star in India.
01:12:42.000 Yeah, and if you look at the trailers, it's amazing.
01:12:46.000 It's the best thing you'll ever see in your life.
01:12:48.000 God, I don't know his name.
01:12:49.000 The Ding Dong show gets a weird group of people.
01:12:51.000 I don't know how Barris controls and finds them.
01:12:55.000 I don't even know how he finds them.
01:12:57.000 What a commitment, too.
01:12:57.000 He's been doing it for a decade.
01:12:59.000 You should have him on the show sometimes.
01:13:01.000 I'd love to have Barris.
01:13:02.000 Anytime you want to do it.
01:13:04.000 He's always busy with his show.
01:13:06.000 He warms up the Jimmy Kimmel show, right?
01:13:08.000 We could do a Sunday or something.
01:13:10.000 I love Don Barris.
01:13:11.000 He also gets off for a week at a time.
01:13:14.000 He's such a fun guy to be around, too.
01:13:16.000 He's helped me form a unique part of my stand-up when I see him being goofy and saying horrible things.
01:13:21.000 I'm like, oh, how does he get away?
01:13:23.000 You watch him enough, you're like, okay, I can sort of see.
01:13:24.000 A little bit of a smile. 1.00
01:13:25.000 But he tells old ladies to be like, oh, you filthy whore. 1.00
01:13:29.000 You love getting bent over and just railed, don't you, dirty, dirty whore. 1.00
01:13:33.000 And they love it. 1.00
01:13:34.000 They're laughing with their grandchildren there.
01:13:36.000 He's smiling while he's saying it.
01:13:37.000 He's smiling and laughing while he's saying it. 0.58
01:13:40.000 We had this door guy who didn't understand that, and I would always say on stage, like, hey, what's up, black people?
01:13:45.000 I was going to interact with black people. 1.00
01:13:47.000 And bears are always like, you bitch, how dare you? 1.00
01:13:49.000 But in a fun way. 1.00
01:13:50.000 And this door guy didn't get it. 1.00
01:13:52.000 And one day, he just goes up to some woman in the audience from on stage, and he goes, what's up, you black bitch? 1.00
01:13:58.000 Oh, no. 1.00
01:14:00.000 And it ruined the next five hours of show.
01:14:02.000 Oh, no.
01:14:03.000 Everyone who went in there was like, what's with that room?
01:14:06.000 Oh, no.
01:14:08.000 White Kyle. 0.70
01:14:09.000 That's what they called him.
01:14:10.000 Sig Kyle. 0.76
01:14:11.000 Oh, God.
01:14:13.000 Sig Kyle. 0.76
01:14:14.000 Sig Kyle. 0.76
01:14:14.000 That's what they nicknamed after that. 0.76
01:14:17.000 He just didn't know how to do it right.
01:14:20.000 It felt so bad for him.
01:14:21.000 There's a lot of nutheads working at that place. 1.00
01:14:25.000 If there was ever a vortex of insane people, it's the Comedy Store. 0.62
01:14:29.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:14:30.000 We met so many nutty fucking humans in that joint. 1.00
01:14:34.000 Just weird. 1.00
01:14:34.000 How do you even survive in life? 1.00
01:14:36.000 Kind of crazy.
01:14:37.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:14:38.000 And I know you're just here.
01:14:38.000 Just one of the people here.
01:14:39.000 And in that place, there's a lot of those people that are still regulars.
01:14:43.000 They still go on stage.
01:14:45.000 You can go there and you'll see half a show and half a psychology experiment.
01:14:50.000 Dude, Kravitz goes out there sometimes and it's so hard to take.
01:14:53.000 What happened to him?
01:14:54.000 He's just fried.
01:14:55.000 He's fried.
01:14:57.000 He used to be a funny guy.
01:14:58.000 Yeah, he used to be funny.
01:14:59.000 He used to be a funny guy.
01:15:00.000 When I saw him, he was on the tail end of that.
01:15:02.000 I don't think he's used anymore, but I think he just caught up.
01:15:05.000 And it's just like, you're burnt out.
01:15:07.000 No brain left. 0.97
01:15:08.000 Yeah. 0.97
01:15:08.000 He has his horrible stories. 0.97
01:15:10.000 It'll just start on you midway through his story, and he just traps you.
01:15:14.000 Oh, no.
01:15:14.000 And it's just so sad.
01:15:15.000 And on stage, it's become so horrible.
01:15:17.000 There's been a couple times lately that I've been going there, and this is like prime, not prime, I guess, but like Sunday, 10 p.m., 9.30, nice crowd in the audience.
01:15:28.000 Well, that's when they have friends at the comedy store.
01:15:30.000 I'm sorry, Monday.
01:15:31.000 It was Monday.
01:15:32.000 Same thing there.
01:15:32.000 But same kind of thing, right?
01:15:34.000 This was two comics in a row that I watched and I got angry because they had 10 minute spots at this time.
01:15:43.000 It was the worst thing ever.
01:15:45.000 The crowd just sitting there like, really? 1.00
01:15:47.000 Are we watching this awful shit? 1.00
01:15:50.000 I get mad. 1.00
01:15:51.000 I have to leave. 0.98
01:15:52.000 The weird thing about those nights, well you've seen them too, the open mics, is they sat through so much shit that at some point they just lose faith in stand-up. 0.95
01:16:01.000 So if you go on, the employees are going right after that. 0.93
01:16:03.000 And they're like, what are you going to do to us now?
01:16:05.000 It was so hard.
01:16:09.000 God!
01:16:10.000 That's exactly what it is.
01:16:11.000 They've been beaten.
01:16:12.000 You just can't keep beating me.
01:16:15.000 And every host used to be like, alright, this next guy's really funny.
01:16:18.000 And at some point when I used to host, I never said that.
01:16:20.000 Because I'm like, they're not going to believe me after you say five times in a row.
01:16:22.000 You can't say this guy's really funny.
01:16:24.000 Unless the guy's really funny, you can never say he's really funny. 0.99
01:16:27.000 And then one time, like, hey guys, by the way, I know this has been a shit show. 0.98
01:16:30.000 This has been madness of homeless people right now. 0.99
01:16:32.000 But this guy's funny.
01:16:33.000 You can say that. 1.00
01:16:34.000 Yeah, fuck that. 1.00
01:16:36.000 It would get so hard. 1.00
01:16:37.000 I used to have to host that.
01:16:38.000 For like years I would host that.
01:16:40.000 It was very good for your act.
01:16:41.000 It was for yours.
01:16:42.000 It helped you a lot.
01:16:43.000 It helped you.
01:16:44.000 That's what Freddie said.
01:16:45.000 The first time Mitzi let me do it, he goes, if she lets you do it more than once, watch how much quicker it makes you on stage.
01:16:49.000 And it did.
01:16:50.000 Because every three minutes you've got to get back up there and start thinking of something to get the crowd going a little bit.
01:16:54.000 Yeah, and you also learn how to manage the room.
01:16:56.000 You become sort of a social manager.
01:16:58.000 Keep all these people, you know.
01:17:00.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:17:01.000 I have to keep doing crowd work in between everybody.
01:17:03.000 Make them laugh for 30 seconds.
01:17:04.000 I have to figure out how to make them laugh fast.
01:17:06.000 And then bring on the next awful... 0.99
01:17:07.000 Awful, awful, awful comedian. 0.93
01:17:09.000 That's why I actually used to love comics like Boone Shagalaka who would go on in drag with a bucket on his head. 0.98
01:17:15.000 And you know what?
01:17:16.000 At least he got the crowd going.
01:17:18.000 At least he got the crowd going.
01:17:18.000 At least after him I could be like, keep that going for the next guy.
01:17:21.000 But didn't you ever want to just sterilize that fucking microphone after you're done? 0.99
01:17:25.000 Dude... 1.00
01:17:27.000 That's the worst.
01:17:28.000 That's probably the worst thing ever.
01:17:30.000 Sometimes I just totally forget, too, when I'm like, oh, I just touched my lip on that.
01:17:35.000 Yeah, that microphone never gets cleaned.
01:17:39.000 Never.
01:17:40.000 And they don't buy new ones, too, so they're old.
01:17:42.000 They've been there for a while.
01:17:43.000 That one that's there is probably the one that I bought.
01:17:45.000 It has to have blown up completely before they replaced that.
01:17:48.000 Yeah.
01:17:49.000 Cheap content. 1.00
01:17:51.000 Imagine just sucking that shit out of it. 1.00
01:17:53.000 I always touch it to my lips. 1.00
01:17:54.000 I think about it later, I'm like, ugh.
01:17:57.000 That's terrible.
01:17:58.000 Because it smells sometimes.
01:17:59.000 Even through the night, enough people have their little spittle laying on it.
01:18:03.000 It just stinks. 0.99
01:18:05.000 Damn, I was going to talk about this. 0.99
01:18:06.000 Oh, this. 1.00
01:18:07.000 I read some fucking studies, the strangest study that I've ever read. 0.99
01:18:11.000 And it's a bunch of scientists that are convinced that there is no free will. 0.99
01:18:17.000 And that the moment you decide and make up your mind to do something, in reality, you had already decided several seconds before this subconsciously.
01:18:28.000 Nietzsche talks about this.
01:18:29.000 Nietzsche talks about it.
01:18:30.000 He said, the thing is, you can't tell yourself, think of an elephant.
01:18:33.000 Like, what made you say to yourself, think of an elephant?
01:18:36.000 You're making...
01:18:37.000 There is no independent thought.
01:18:39.000 That's cool.
01:18:40.000 And I really don't fully understand it, because a lot of what I understand about it could be completely opposite from the way he intended it.
01:18:45.000 Well, here's my take on it, because I thought about it.
01:18:48.000 I'm like, this is a fascinating thing, because you essentially have philosophers that are arguing with scientists.
01:18:52.000 And in a sense, they're both right.
01:18:54.000 Because...
01:18:55.000 Maybe you don't change.
01:19:02.000 Maybe there is no real free will, but maybe it's because this seven-second thing that happens before you make up your mind to whatever the choice is going to be that you're going to pick.
01:19:13.000 Maybe that's just a random thing, but the results of that, maybe that's what they can't measure.
01:19:19.000 The results of you changing the way you think, and that essentially is free will.
01:19:23.000 The free will essentially is how you steer it.
01:19:27.000 Would you have?
01:19:29.000 I mean, they're not accounting for character, and I don't think it's an either-or.
01:19:33.000 Because I think that a certain amount of character and a certain amount of will can be developed.
01:19:37.000 And the essential question is, why are you developing it?
01:19:40.000 Were you designed to develop it?
01:19:42.000 Is this just your natural course of your life that you're following, that you're supposed to follow anyway?
01:19:48.000 And you're just tricking yourself into thinking these are your own decisions.
01:19:52.000 But this is almost like laid out.
01:19:53.000 Right, where it's like, you're going to make this decision this way.
01:19:55.000 You're going to struggle with it, and then they come to this...
01:19:58.000 Could you imagine if under further investigation they show that there really is a code that we're all picking out through the air and that code is like a genetic code or like a computer code and that it's a wireless frequency that we're tuned into that is moving us in a very specific direction.
01:20:17.000 We're all programmed to do exactly what we do.
01:20:19.000 If this is what they're saying, if they're saying that your mind has made moves to make this decision seven seconds before you consciously decide it.
01:20:27.000 They say this about God, where it's like, if God knows what we're going to end up doing, because there's no time to God in the normal concept of God, then there's no free will.
01:20:35.000 He knows what we're going to do.
01:20:36.000 He knows we're going to make a decision this way or that way.
01:20:38.000 And this is the best way I've explained how that maybe is not the best way of thinking about it.
01:20:41.000 If you go and see Jurassic Park with someone who's never seen it before, and you say, oh, this guy's about to get killed, and then he gets killed, your friend isn't going to be like, why did you make that dinosaur do that?
01:20:51.000 Like, you didn't do it.
01:20:53.000 You just know what's going to happen.
01:20:54.000 It doesn't mean you're commanding me It's an interesting concept.
01:21:01.000 No, no, no.
01:21:01.000 It's an interesting concept because I want to believe that I'm in control of my life.
01:21:06.000 You want to, sure.
01:21:07.000 You know, and we all do, but why do we?
01:21:11.000 Why do we want to absolutely believe that we're not just following some predetermined pattern of behavior?
01:21:17.000 We want to be leaders and not followers?
01:21:18.000 Sort of, but when you're at your best, say on stage, you know when we talk about being in that groove?
01:21:24.000 You're like a passenger. 1.00
01:21:25.000 You're riding that fucking thing. 1.00
01:21:28.000 That's when you are at your best, right? 1.00
01:21:30.000 When you're not really even thinking about it.
01:21:32.000 You're not even in control.
01:21:33.000 You're just sort of floating.
01:21:34.000 The way they best did it, you ever see shine?
01:21:36.000 Yeah, the movie about the pianist.
01:21:38.000 That word.
01:21:39.000 That goes crazy.
01:21:40.000 It's the guy who won the Oscar.
01:21:42.000 He did some Holocaust movie later.
01:21:44.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:21:45.000 I know who you're talking about.
01:21:46.000 Yeah.
01:21:47.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:21:47.000 The little kid one.
01:21:49.000 Yeah, he learned it.
01:21:50.000 Yeah.
01:21:50.000 But they said when he was playing the thing and all you hear the sound drop off and all you hear is the bumping of the keys, the physical keys hitting his fingers.
01:21:59.000 You know?
01:22:00.000 Right.
01:22:00.000 Because everything goes quiet.
01:22:01.000 That's how it sort of feels like when you're in the zone on stage.
01:22:04.000 Yeah.
01:22:04.000 Where you're just sort of like, huh, and now I'm saying this, and those people are reacting this way.
01:22:09.000 Right, and you're floating through it, man.
01:22:11.000 You're not even conscious.
01:22:13.000 Oh, look at that.
01:22:13.000 Look at what I just did there.
01:22:14.000 I went into the crowd work there.
01:22:15.000 And you can't even think about that too much, because that'll distract you.
01:22:18.000 No, but it's like you're just going on autopilot.
01:22:20.000 It's like boogie boarding.
01:22:21.000 You just catch a wave and you just keep going.
01:22:22.000 Well, you know, that's the concept of also the muse, the idea of creativity coming as something you tune in.
01:22:27.000 Yeah, it just hits you.
01:22:29.000 So maybe that is all really connected.
01:22:32.000 We talked about that.
01:22:32.000 When you get a great bit, you're just like, it just sort of came to me.
01:22:34.000 I didn't do it.
01:22:35.000 Just out of the air.
01:22:36.000 It just comes out of the ether.
01:22:38.000 You have to sit yourself down to receive it.
01:22:40.000 That's what you've got to do.
01:22:41.000 That's why I was saying you should write.
01:22:43.000 Because I think you have a lot of really funny ideas, but you keep them all in your head.
01:22:48.000 You bounce them out on stage, and you write things down that you're going to do.
01:22:51.000 But I think if you wrote a blog, like a funny blog, I think you would really get into it. 0.96
01:22:56.000 You would have some really funny shit, and it would really help your stand-up. 0.81
01:23:00.000 It really helps your word, your forming sentences, and it really helps your material. 0.98
01:23:05.000 Because when you sit down to write a blog, at least for me, when I write, I never restrict myself, unless I'm working on a particular bit that I'm trying to tighten up, I don't restrict myself to what subject or how I'm going to do it.
01:23:19.000 I just start writing.
01:23:20.000 Maybe it'll come out funny, maybe it'll come out creepy, maybe it'll come out scary.
01:23:24.000 Yeah, but just write. 0.99
01:23:25.000 Just whatever the fuck I'm thinking. 0.99
01:23:26.000 And as you're writing, then, you know, it's like it takes longer to write the word neuroscientist than it does to think of a neuroscientist. 0.99
01:23:34.000 But it makes you keep thinking about it.
01:23:35.000 Right, it makes you keep thinking about it.
01:23:37.000 Because you're doing it, you're trying.
01:23:37.000 Right, but it's almost, and the idea is like it's richer in your mind as just sitting down and just thinking.
01:23:42.000 Just thinking without actual pens.
01:23:44.000 Yeah, when you actually write things down, there's something to it, I think, where it enriches the angles.
01:23:49.000 It's hard to keep your concentration, too.
01:23:51.000 Like, if you're thinking about, like, whatever it is, I don't know, the skulls, and you're trying to write a bit about skulls without writing it down, without putting a pen to paper, your mind then wanders to something else, and you're no longer doing the writing about the thing. 0.99
01:24:01.000 That's why I've said it before, I'll say it again, that Write Room application is the shit. 0.99
01:24:05.000 If you have a Mac, it's called Write Room, and I know there's a PC variation before it, but I'm on Team Mac, so you can suck it. 0.98
01:24:13.000 The best real-world advice I got on writing came from Damon Wayans, actually, once when I was starting.
01:24:17.000 Yeah.
01:24:18.000 Because people say, like, oh, it's so helpful, so this.
01:24:20.000 But the problem is, in everybody's brains, there's a laziness where it's like, yeah, but what am I going to write for an hour? 0.90
01:24:26.000 Like, I'm never going to fucking do that. 0.98
01:24:28.000 So this is what he said. 0.98
01:24:28.000 In the morning, before you go to work, you take 10 minutes and set an alarm. 0.98
01:24:33.000 If it's 11.02 when you're starting, set it for 11.13.
01:24:36.000 So as that next minute starts, you get 10 minutes.
01:24:38.000 As soon as the alarm goes off, stop writing.
01:24:41.000 And you always have ten minutes.
01:24:43.000 You can put in ten minutes.
01:24:44.000 It goes, one, two things happens.
01:24:46.000 One, if you do have more time, you'll keep writing if you want to.
01:24:50.000 So we'll get it going already.
01:24:52.000 Two, the rest of the day, you're thinking about what you already put on paper.
01:24:55.000 So you're going to keep writing in your head.
01:24:56.000 You're going to keep that brain just pumping.
01:25:00.000 You know what I mean?
01:25:00.000 But you can always spare ten minutes.
01:25:02.000 You always keep doing it.
01:25:04.000 And then you get home, you can write more if you want.
01:25:06.000 But just every morning, ten minutes. 0.80
01:25:08.000 And it seems so foolish if you can't put in 10 minutes. 0.57
01:25:10.000 It does. 0.97
01:25:11.000 And I don't.
01:25:12.000 I have a very specific mindset when it comes to anything that's going on in my life, especially with stand-up and anything creative.
01:25:21.000 If I'm not writing, I never completely feel in the zone.
01:25:26.000 I will have to sit myself down.
01:25:28.000 If I have a gig coming up, like say I'm doing a theater in the weekend, I have to sit myself down and write something.
01:25:35.000 I have to sit myself down and get that part of my brain, just crank it up.
01:25:40.000 Here's an idea.
01:25:41.000 Here's something I'm working on. 0.98
01:25:42.000 Even if I don't talk about that on stage that night, the fact that I'm working on new shit just gets... 0.97
01:25:49.000 Puts you in a better mood almost. 0.96
01:25:50.000 It makes me feel productive.
01:25:53.000 It makes me feel like I'm putting out what I'm supposed to put out.
01:25:58.000 I bet you also feel confident or like a winner because you wrote and so that helps your confidence.
01:26:03.000 Yeah, I think when you do what you know you're supposed to do, you don't feel like a loser.
01:26:07.000 Especially when I got made a non-paid regular, just like I was allowed to do belly room shows or something.
01:26:12.000 But my sets around town with the open mics were just killer for like three weeks.
01:26:16.000 Because I felt like I'm a real comic.
01:26:18.000 Right, yeah.
01:26:19.000 But it didn't make my writing any better.
01:26:20.000 I was still doing the same jokes.
01:26:21.000 Mayhem told me that when he got his black belt from Fabrizio Verdum, he immediately became better on the ground.
01:26:27.000 Really?
01:26:27.000 And Ryan Parsons said that too.
01:26:29.000 He started thinking he deserved it? 0.99
01:26:30.000 Yeah, he just started putting it in his head like, yeah, man, I'm a fucking black belt in jiu-jitsu. 1.00
01:26:36.000 Shit. 1.00
01:26:37.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:26:37.000 Mayhem is a legit black belt in jiu-jitsu too, man. 1.00
01:26:40.000 Mayhem's ground game is a no fucking joke. 0.80
01:26:43.000 What do you think of the fight with Bisping? 0.97
01:26:44.000 It's a great fight.
01:26:45.000 I'm excited.
01:26:46.000 It's a great fight.
01:26:48.000 It's an interesting fight.
01:26:50.000 The coaching on the show is what's been the most impressive thing about Mayhem to me.
01:26:55.000 We were texting each other back and forth today. 0.99
01:26:57.000 I was like, dude, you're a fucking good coach, man. 0.99
01:27:01.000 He's a really good coach. 0.99
01:27:03.000 His instructions are very clear.
01:27:05.000 Post up.
01:27:05.000 Post up.
01:27:06.000 All right.
01:27:07.000 Left hand.
01:27:07.000 Get his controls risk.
01:27:09.000 Nice.
01:27:10.000 Nice.
01:27:10.000 It's like everything.
01:27:11.000 He walks the guy through it. 0.77
01:27:13.000 Get him with an elbow. 0.90
01:27:14.000 There you go.
01:27:14.000 And he's like, all right.
01:27:15.000 He's breaking now.
01:27:16.000 He's breaking.
01:27:16.000 He's looking to quit.
01:27:17.000 He's looking to quit.
01:27:18.000 I mean, he talked his fighters through the entire thing.
01:27:21.000 Get his back.
01:27:21.000 All right.
01:27:22.000 Flatten him out.
01:27:22.000 Flatten him out.
01:27:23.000 All right.
01:27:23.000 Soften him up.
01:27:24.000 He's done.
01:27:24.000 Let's finish him.
01:27:25.000 Let's finish him. 0.98
01:27:26.000 And Bisping is screaming.
01:27:28.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:27:29.000 Get the fuck up, mate! 1.00
01:27:31.000 Fucking get up! 1.00
01:27:32.000 He's screaming at the top of his lungs, and he's so mad because Mayhem's won every fucking fight. 0.99
01:27:37.000 So Bisping's fight is just getting jacked, and Mayhem is talking the dudes through it perfectly. 0.96
01:27:43.000 It was amazing. 0.96
01:27:45.000 I was like, damn, that just shows people what Mayhem's really all about. 0.95
01:27:48.000 They're doing those fights at the same time as they're doing the fight now, as the coaches are fighting, aren't they? 0.92
01:27:52.000 No, that's in the next iteration when we do it on FX. Then it's going to be in live time.
01:27:56.000 You mean December 3rd?
01:27:57.000 Is that what you mean?
01:27:58.000 Yeah.
01:27:59.000 Yes.
01:27:59.000 Yeah.
01:28:00.000 But eventually it's going to be live.
01:28:02.000 The fights are going to be live on television.
01:28:04.000 They used to do it on a different...
01:28:05.000 Oh, really?
01:28:06.000 Every week?
01:28:06.000 Yeah.
01:28:06.000 I don't know how they're going to synchronize that.
01:28:09.000 They're figuring it out with FX, but that's going to be amazing.
01:28:11.000 Wow. 0.99
01:28:11.000 But damn, these 135-pounders, 145-pounders are fucking awesome. 0.99
01:28:16.000 Brian has the best idea for that. 1.00
01:28:17.000 He goes, because they're so small.
01:28:19.000 He says they should come in and prance around the octagon on ponies and make three circles.
01:28:24.000 Brian who?
01:28:25.000 Brian Redback.
01:28:26.000 You said that?
01:28:26.000 They're all adorned.
01:28:28.000 Better not let Uriah Faber see you.
01:28:30.000 All adorned.
01:28:31.000 The 135ers would have to move around with some sort of jousting poles. 1.00
01:28:35.000 That would be awesome.
01:28:37.000 And their little horns and stuff. 1.00
01:28:39.000 I can't participate.
01:28:40.000 I can't.
01:28:45.000 I feel like there are lines, and then there are line crossers. 1.00
01:28:50.000 That's where you two fucks are. 1.00
01:28:51.000 I don't even know you. 1.00
01:28:53.000 And the pony would do that little prancing where it gets down on one knee, like, good day to you.
01:28:58.000 Very regal.
01:28:59.000 Would it be a pony with the hair over the hooves to make it extra fluffy?
01:29:03.000 When they have that extra hair that just blossoms around their wrists? 0.99
01:29:07.000 What the fuck is that? 1.00
01:29:08.000 Weird shit is that, man. 1.00
01:29:10.000 Weird fucking dust covers they have over their feet. 1.00
01:29:13.000 What the fuck is that, man? 1.00
01:29:15.000 Did somebody make that? 1.00
01:29:17.000 Did they invent that horse?
01:29:19.000 That's like dog breeding.
01:29:19.000 That's all they can do with horses.
01:29:21.000 Is that what they did?
01:29:21.000 Maybe.
01:29:22.000 Maybe, right?
01:29:24.000 Bunch of different breeds.
01:29:25.000 Apparently we were wrong in the Indians. 0.97
01:29:26.000 A, knew agriculture before the white man, and they taught the white man how to grow corn.
01:29:32.000 And B, they apparently might have even had horses, even before European settlers.
01:29:39.000 But the Incas didn't. 0.80
01:29:40.000 The Incas didn't know about the horse.
01:29:41.000 But there might have been some other horses that were left.
01:29:44.000 They also think that the first settlers in America might have been the Chinese.
01:29:49.000 Really?
01:29:50.000 Yeah, the Chinese might have found America. 0.99
01:29:51.000 From the Bering Strait.
01:29:52.000 Yeah.
01:29:53.000 Oh, yeah, we knew that.
01:29:53.000 No, no, no, not that.
01:29:55.000 That's Siberians. 0.99
01:29:57.000 I mean, on boats.
01:29:58.000 Oh, really?
01:29:58.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:30:00.000 I believe there's a bunch of history that's obviously lost in North America because North America used to be covered in a glacier and the glacier fucking crushed everything and melted and created the Great Lakes and all that shit. 0.95
01:30:13.000 But the other thing, I always see Filipinos and they're always somewhat Mexican. 0.98
01:30:18.000 They look sort of Mexican for the Asians. 1.00
01:30:20.000 I talked to Edwin San Juan yesterday, and he was like, yeah, the Spanish came and raped the fuck out of us. 1.00
01:30:25.000 That's how my name is Edwin San Juan. 0.99
01:30:26.000 I'm San Juan and I'm an Asian.
01:30:28.000 Yeah, crazy, huh?
01:30:29.000 Yeah. 0.97
01:30:30.000 Well, that's Filipinos. 1.00
01:30:31.000 It's weird.
01:30:32.000 Yeah, Chinese and Spaniards.
01:30:34.000 So the Chinese must have just gone on boats that way, going west? 0.90
01:30:38.000 Well, one of the weird things is they found cocaine residue in some pharaoh something or another.
01:30:45.000 They found evidence of cocaine use in ancient Egypt.
01:30:48.000 And what's insane about that is cocaine can only be grown in South America.
01:30:51.000 It can't be grown in Egypt.
01:30:53.000 Oh, really?
01:30:53.000 Yeah.
01:30:54.000 Ooh, where'd they get it from?
01:30:55.000 The climate doesn't suit it.
01:30:56.000 I don't know. 1.00
01:30:57.000 They think that they might have been on a fucking ship. 0.99
01:31:00.000 The other possibility is that the climate was way, way different back then. 0.98
01:31:03.000 I'm sure they have a pretty detailed record of climate.
01:31:06.000 Didn't some people used to bring stuff from other parts of the world?
01:31:09.000 Yeah, but they were saying by boats.
01:31:11.000 They didn't know that people were traveling the globe.
01:31:14.000 We're talking about 2500 BC. But we do know that they have boats back then.
01:31:18.000 There's some really detailed boats that they found in tombs.
01:31:21.000 Like incredible boats.
01:31:23.000 Like big, giant, put-together boats inside tombs.
01:31:26.000 So that we know that they could get on, maybe not across the ocean, but they definitely had the concept of boats down.
01:31:33.000 You know?
01:31:34.000 Yeah.
01:31:36.000 I was just going to say, so the people that live in North America, I'm like, this whole thing used to be covered in ice.
01:31:44.000 So there's not that many people that were here.
01:31:47.000 Everybody sort of eventually went, oh, this is open now.
01:31:50.000 And then people stormed in.
01:31:53.000 They just jumped.
01:31:54.000 Look at all the space.
01:31:55.000 It's crazy.
01:31:55.000 Crazy how it happened.
01:31:56.000 If you look at the evolution of the earth and the progress of people moving around, it is a very strange thing that this one awesome spot that used to be connected to everything was completely empty.
01:32:09.000 Except for a few tribes of nomadic people.
01:32:12.000 Barely using any of it.
01:32:13.000 Yeah, really.
01:32:14.000 I mean, it's just a tiny, tiny number.
01:32:16.000 So much extra real estate. 0.99
01:32:17.000 Yeah, but What a crazy fucking spot. 1.00
01:32:19.000 We'll go somewhere else. 0.99
01:32:20.000 We'll go where the buffalo is. 0.99
01:32:21.000 For the short period of time when the Indians were in the best situation, before the white men found out what the fuck was over here, this must have been the dopest playground of all. 0.99
01:32:36.000 They had a whole continent. 0.99
01:32:38.000 Go play.
01:32:38.000 Don't go too far.
01:32:39.000 Jesus Christ.
01:32:41.000 Go a few miles.
01:32:41.000 Animals everywhere.
01:32:42.000 Bigfoots. 0.99
01:32:43.000 Well, yeah, it sucks. 1.00
01:32:45.000 There's a lot of things that can kill you and jaguars and shit like that. 0.99
01:32:48.000 What's really crazy is that just 10,000 years ago there were saber-toothed tigers. 0.99
01:32:53.000 Wrap your head around that.
01:32:54.000 That's just 10,000 years ago.
01:32:55.000 Like long-toothed ones?
01:32:56.000 Yeah.
01:32:56.000 Cool.
01:32:57.000 That would be cool. 1.00
01:32:58.000 What a wild fucking animal that was. 1.00
01:33:00.000 It had swords in its skull. 1.00
01:33:02.000 Big giant swords that came out. 0.93
01:33:04.000 And it would just slash open your neck with these swords. 0.98
01:33:07.000 With that? 0.97
01:33:07.000 Both eyes style. 0.97
01:33:08.000 The eyeball will pop out.
01:33:09.000 What style?
01:33:11.000 Bullfighter style.
01:33:12.000 Did you see that video?
01:33:13.000 Yeah, this video too.
01:33:15.000 The image of the bullfighter that got gored in Spain.
01:33:17.000 Oh yeah, through his brain?
01:33:19.000 Through his face? 0.99
01:33:19.000 Through his face, right through his eyeball. 0.99
01:33:21.000 It shows the horn popping out from his cheek.
01:33:24.000 He's paralyzed, lost his eye, paralyzed outside of his face.
01:33:28.000 It's amazing how quick it happened too.
01:33:30.000 The video is like...
01:33:31.000 It just happened.
01:33:33.000 The thing goes down.
01:33:34.000 Did you see the gazelle leaping over the guy?
01:33:36.000 Oh my god.
01:33:37.000 I heard them talking about that the other day.
01:33:38.000 This gaming guy from wherever that was.
01:33:40.000 Let's explain what it is.
01:33:41.000 Oh, okay.
01:33:42.000 Because not everybody lives in our brains.
01:33:44.000 Let's explain to yourself.
01:33:45.000 There's this bike path in...
01:33:47.000 South Africa.
01:33:48.000 South Africa.
01:33:48.000 And it's in like a reservation or reserve for animals.
01:33:52.000 Yeah.
01:33:53.000 And this gazelle just, this guy's taping his buddy ahead of him.
01:33:56.000 They're both biking.
01:33:57.000 And this gazelle just suddenly runs in a screen, tries to jump over this biker as he's speeding down this path.
01:34:02.000 Yeah, just he doesn't see the guy coming quick enough.
01:34:05.000 And the gazelle runs into him or whatever. 0.92
01:34:07.000 Knocks him down, smashes him into his face. 0.87
01:34:09.000 Big deer-like animal. 0.99
01:34:10.000 Yeah.
01:34:11.000 But hit him full clip.
01:34:13.000 Yeah.
01:34:13.000 Going like 40 miles an hour.
01:34:15.000 He goes flying and lands on his fucking head. 1.00
01:34:17.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:34:18.000 And the noises he was making was like KO noises. 0.79
01:34:20.000 That's KO noises. 0.72
01:34:22.000 When someone gets knocked out.
01:34:23.000 I'm out of it.
01:34:23.000 When they're waking up they make noise like that.
01:34:24.000 Do you see his helmet at the end?
01:34:26.000 Yeah.
01:34:26.000 His helmet shattered.
01:34:27.000 Yeah.
01:34:28.000 Just a hole in it.
01:34:28.000 We're like, yeah, that's what your brain would look like right now if you weren't wearing a helmet.
01:34:31.000 That's scary as fuck, dude. 0.99
01:34:33.000 Yeah, the hooves hit him dead on. 0.99
01:34:34.000 Yeah, he could have died for sure.
01:34:36.000 If he didn't have a helmet on, his head would have been smushky.
01:34:38.000 They said, this reserve guy said, the sun was probably in the gazelle's eye.
01:34:43.000 Because its angle was coming in that way or whatever.
01:34:45.000 And he just saw him at the last second because he was speeding faster than normal, I guess.
01:34:49.000 So it was just like, you know, he just timed it and he saw him at the last, tried to jump over.
01:34:52.000 There's a great video online of a guy on a motorcycle with a camera in the front of his motorcycle.
01:34:59.000 He's carving through canyons.
01:35:01.000 Wow, that's cool.
01:35:03.000 And he hits a deer.
01:35:04.000 And you see one frame where you see the deer's face. 1.00
01:35:08.000 It's fucking... 1.00
01:35:09.000 Badass! 1.00
01:35:10.000 See one frame, and then boom! 0.99
01:35:12.000 And he just goes fucking fine.
01:35:13.000 You see the camera flying through the air and spins, and then it goes black. 0.80
01:35:17.000 And then it shows the guy.
01:35:18.000 He actually survived.
01:35:19.000 He got laid out.
01:35:20.000 His bike is destroyed.
01:35:22.000 And he just flipped.
01:35:23.000 But he was wearing...
01:35:24.000 It actually says, make sure you always wear a helmet and wear leather.
01:35:28.000 And he was covered in one of those racer...
01:35:32.000 Tough outfits.
01:35:33.000 You can actually take a little bit of an impact with it on.
01:35:35.000 It sounds like scraping as you're sliding down.
01:35:38.000 That's what happened to Harris.
01:35:39.000 He was sliding down the street and just ripping his skin off.
01:35:42.000 But when you hit a deer at 60 miles an hour, it ain't that.
01:35:47.000 It's flying.
01:35:48.000 You're going flying.
01:35:49.000 You're going to fly through the air.
01:35:51.000 Everything's flying. 0.98
01:35:52.000 You don't know what the fuck is going to happen. 0.98
01:35:53.000 You just hit a deer, and you're going way too fast. 0.99
01:35:56.000 You took on that speed.
01:35:57.000 You're on something that's like 3,000 pounds.
01:35:59.000 No, not that heavy.
01:36:00.000 What is a motorcycle?
01:36:01.000 200 pounds?
01:36:02.000 500 pounds?
01:36:03.000 600 pounds?
01:36:04.000 What are those ninjas?
01:36:05.000 Your body goes that fast.
01:36:07.000 It's like you're going 60 miles an hour, you keep going 60. It's ridiculously fast.
01:36:12.000 Those things are so crazy. 0.99
01:36:13.000 I see them on the highway sometimes, just fucking whiz by... 0.96
01:36:18.000 That is the weirdest thing ever that that's legal. 0.96
01:36:21.000 I mean, it's like, what a massive risk-taking event we have on our highways. 0.99
01:36:26.000 In California, for people who don't know, in most rational states all across this country, you have to stay in your fucking lane. 0.97
01:36:32.000 You can't just drive in the middle. 1.00
01:36:33.000 In California, they let motorcycles drive in between the fucking cars! 0.99
01:36:37.000 And I don't know who says that's okay. 1.00
01:36:39.000 And they often hit your side mirrors.
01:36:41.000 I've had it happen twice.
01:36:42.000 Oh yeah, I've had it happen.
01:36:43.000 I've had it happen.
01:36:44.000 Yeah, in slow traffic, they just go right through it.
01:36:46.000 Especially those dudes with those big, crazy, fat Harley bikes.
01:36:49.000 Those things aren't that nimble, man.
01:36:50.000 What are those guys even trying?
01:36:52.000 The ones with the big ass storage containers on the side trying to go in between lanes? 0.74
01:36:57.000 What is this?
01:36:58.000 What's up with these handlebars?
01:37:00.000 I don't know.
01:37:01.000 These handlebars where they look like they're...
01:37:03.000 It's like a lower El Dorado.
01:37:04.000 It's more attention.
01:37:05.000 Rocky on the top of the stairs in Philadelphia.
01:37:08.000 They get more attention.
01:37:09.000 Because it's like, hey, look at me!
01:37:11.000 I'm on a loud motorcycle!
01:37:13.000 For folks looking, or not looking, or rather listening at home, we're doing the arms up in the ear thing.
01:37:19.000 What do they call them?
01:37:20.000 Ape hangers?
01:37:22.000 Ape hangers.
01:37:23.000 That's what they call them.
01:37:24.000 The crazy handlebars that are super tall.
01:37:27.000 Ride or live.
01:37:27.000 Live the ride.
01:37:29.000 Motorcycles must be so much fucking fun, though. 0.99
01:37:32.000 Think about it. 0.96
01:37:32.000 People get together in groups and they all just ride around together. 0.96
01:37:36.000 I want to get the fat tire one.
01:37:37.000 The one that has the really fat tire.
01:37:39.000 Oh, yeah.
01:37:39.000 I've seen those.
01:37:39.000 I would even get the tri-cycle.
01:37:41.000 I don't think those handle that good, dude.
01:37:42.000 The tri-cycle one?
01:37:43.000 Yeah, I think those fat tire ones are just kind of cool looking.
01:37:46.000 Oh, really?
01:37:46.000 But I think if you want a bike that handles, you know, I mean, a sport bike is like a bike that would handle really good.
01:37:53.000 But like, you know, you get like a balanced road bike.
01:37:56.000 Those tricycle motorcycles look fun.
01:37:58.000 I've seen those. 0.99
01:37:59.000 I need them to not be as dumb looking. 0.99
01:38:03.000 Tricycle motorcycles? 0.99
01:38:04.000 Yeah.
01:38:04.000 They do look a little, look at me.
01:38:06.000 Somebody who does Fat Tuesday has one.
01:38:07.000 Corey Holcomb.
01:38:08.000 Corey Holcomb.
01:38:09.000 Does he really?
01:38:09.000 Yeah.
01:38:10.000 And it's like, what is this?
01:38:11.000 He goes, yeah, you're talking about it, aren't you?
01:38:12.000 Oh, is that what it is?
01:38:14.000 Uh-huh.
01:38:15.000 You talking about it so he got you?
01:38:16.000 He likes it.
01:38:17.000 Oh, that's funny.
01:38:18.000 He has so much attention.
01:38:19.000 I heard that dude's really funny.
01:38:20.000 He's hilarious.
01:38:21.000 Does he have a special or anything out?
01:38:23.000 I don't know.
01:38:25.000 Joey Diaz always talks about how funny he is.
01:38:27.000 He was talking about, when we did the Ness show in Toronto two years ago, the summer before this one, that he had this bit about the worst thing about your girl having a miscarriage is that you have to act upset.
01:38:42.000 Oh, no.
01:38:43.000 And then he just acts out, going like, why?
01:38:47.000 Why did this happen?
01:38:49.000 And he does it for like a while, and then you just see him reach his hand over it and go, flush.
01:38:54.000 Why?
01:38:56.000 Flush.
01:38:57.000 Oh, that's hilarious.
01:38:59.000 Yeah.
01:39:00.000 Yeah, that's a...
01:39:01.000 I hear your pain about wanting to have a vasectomy.
01:39:05.000 Yeah.
01:39:05.000 I feel you.
01:39:07.000 You know a lot of comics have gotten roped in over the years.
01:39:09.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:39:09.000 Oh yeah, we all know them.
01:39:11.000 We all know them.
01:39:12.000 And we all know what happens, what becomes their life.
01:39:15.000 It's just a weird thing that you get connected to someone like that.
01:39:18.000 They're inescapable in your life now.
01:39:20.000 We were supposed to hook up three times, and that was supposed to be it for our story.
01:39:23.000 We're not supposed to be spending 30 years together.
01:39:25.000 Yeah, that's a weird thing, man.
01:39:27.000 It's a weird thing.
01:39:28.000 Instead of getting that operation, just print out some fake medical records saying that you have a past family history.
01:39:33.000 Here's the weird thing, though. 0.95
01:39:34.000 Every time I hear something like that, the only real excuse to not do it is something ridiculous like that.
01:39:38.000 It's almost like joking. 0.93
01:39:39.000 No, no, that's all you do.
01:39:41.000 They have these forms, you just put your name in it.
01:39:43.000 I mean, if you're going to think in terms of that, you should definitely have a mastectomy. 0.69
01:39:46.000 I think they have a pill from men that they're pretty close to releasing.
01:39:50.000 Oh, that's awesome. 0.99
01:39:51.000 Since I just started fucking. 1.00
01:39:53.000 I would think that it's going to kill your dick, though. 1.00
01:39:56.000 I would think that any pill... 1.00
01:39:57.000 That just aborts it. 0.99
01:39:58.000 Yeah, I think any pill that probably, like, it's going to affect your dick. 0.99
01:40:02.000 What if they cut it with, like, Viagra? 0.99
01:40:04.000 I'm having 90% of that pill.
01:40:06.000 Mix it up together.
01:40:06.000 Yeah, so it's like, hey, whatever.
01:40:07.000 Everything's good.
01:40:08.000 Could you imagine if that happened and only soulless babies were born instead?
01:40:13.000 And thus starts the apocalypse.
01:40:15.000 Yeah, it's not that you can't conceive.
01:40:17.000 You can only conceive soulless babies. 1.00
01:40:20.000 They come out with fucking piranha teeth. 1.00
01:40:22.000 You just eat the way out of the pussy. 1.00
01:40:23.000 No eyeballs. 1.00
01:40:25.000 Ah!
01:40:25.000 Yeah.
01:40:27.000 That's what starts it.
01:40:29.000 There's so many different scenarios as to what's going to start it.
01:40:33.000 What's going to start the zombie apocalypse?
01:40:34.000 We all agree it's going to start.
01:40:36.000 There will be a zombie apocalypse at some point. 0.98
01:40:37.000 Well, we all know that there's too many fucking people for the amount of resources that we have in this one area that we've all chosen to reside in. 1.00
01:40:43.000 And eventually that shit's going to fall apart. 1.00
01:40:45.000 If we don't figure out this whole petrochemical dependency thing, we're eventually going to run out of fucking oil. 1.00
01:40:51.000 I mean, whether it's 100 years from now or 10 years from now. 0.97
01:40:53.000 In the grand scheme of it, we'll run out of oil.
01:40:55.000 There'll be mass extinction.
01:40:57.000 And we'll start over with the amount of people we can handle.
01:41:00.000 Yeah.
01:41:00.000 With no oil.
01:41:01.000 Good luck with all that.
01:41:02.000 Yeah.
01:41:02.000 Good luck with walking home and smelling rotten dead people in every house.
01:41:05.000 Good luck, 2240. Enjoy that shit. 1.00
01:41:08.000 Yeah, and worrying about who's going to eat your dog tonight. 1.00
01:41:12.000 Yeah.
01:41:13.000 You know, because they eat.
01:41:14.000 Back to those times. 1.00
01:41:15.000 And then you smell it cooking, and you look over the window, and you see your fucking neighbors chewing on your dog, looking like fucking monsters. 1.00
01:41:21.000 And you're like, oh, why'd you guys do that? 1.00
01:41:22.000 I ate my fucking dog because they were hungry. 1.00
01:41:26.000 Yeah, people are going to start eating dogs, and then they're going to start eating people. 1.00
01:41:28.000 We're going to realize we're going to have to eat some of each other.
01:41:30.000 It's just too many to go around.
01:41:32.000 That's where mad cow comes from. 1.00
01:41:34.000 What?
01:41:34.000 Cows eating each other?
01:41:35.000 Mad cow disease comes from...
01:41:38.000 It's called Jacob's Crutchfeld, I think.
01:41:40.000 That's the official name of the disease.
01:41:43.000 It comes from cows being forced-fed brain tissue from other cows.
01:41:49.000 And this same exact disease manifests itself amongst cannibals.
01:41:54.000 When cannibals eat their rivals' brains, they get sick. 1.00
01:41:59.000 The book of Eli did that.
01:42:00.000 You get the shakes if you eat human too much.
01:42:02.000 Yes, in the book of Eli?
01:42:04.000 In the movie, the book of Eli.
01:42:06.000 Oh, in the movie.
01:42:07.000 Yeah, that's true, dude.
01:42:09.000 That's right.
01:42:10.000 That may or may not have been in the book of the book of Eli.
01:42:12.000 It probably wasn't in the original book.
01:42:13.000 But it is true. 0.90
01:42:14.000 The same shitty ending in the book? 0.58
01:42:17.000 Yeah. 0.57
01:42:17.000 Why did I watch this whole thing for this? 0.57
01:42:20.000 That was a brutal ending.
01:42:22.000 What?!
01:42:22.000 And they found out that he's blind.
01:42:24.000 He's blind the whole time.
01:42:25.000 Don't see it.
01:42:25.000 It doesn't pay off.
01:42:26.000 He's blind the whole time.
01:42:27.000 But he's not really.
01:42:28.000 And the whole thing's in braille and he's the only one that can read it.
01:42:30.000 So he's got the message of the Bible.
01:42:32.000 That's what he was living for.
01:42:33.000 So he could make the Bible live along. 0.99
01:42:36.000 And by the way, what's the translation?
01:42:38.000 Is it ancient Hebrew?
01:42:39.000 All English.
01:42:40.000 All English.
01:42:41.000 He's given the gift.
01:42:41.000 He knows it by heart.
01:42:42.000 All English. 1.00
01:42:43.000 Fucking cunt. 1.00
01:42:44.000 How dare he. 1.00
01:42:45.000 I could put it in the library.
01:42:47.000 But it is a thing.
01:42:48.000 Apparently, that is that disease.
01:42:51.000 When people eat the shakes, yeah.
01:42:52.000 From that.
01:42:53.000 There's something else we talked about last week that I don't know if you knew about.
01:42:57.000 What?
01:42:57.000 iPhone's not being built this time around in China.
01:43:00.000 Really?
01:43:01.000 Where is it being built?
01:43:01.000 It's actually being built in Brazil.
01:43:03.000 Really?
01:43:04.000 Yeah.
01:43:04.000 There's new iPhones being built in Brazil.
01:43:06.000 Why Brazil?
01:43:06.000 I don't know.
01:43:07.000 Well, hopefully they don't have as many.
01:43:08.000 We were talking about sweatshops.
01:43:10.000 I don't know, man.
01:43:12.000 I think they took a lot of heat from what happened in China.
01:43:15.000 They have these Foxconn studios, right? 0.99
01:43:18.000 These Foxconn studios have 420,000 people working 15 hours a day for $175 a month and no air conditioning in hot fucking China. 0.98
01:43:27.000 Does anyone have air conditioning in China? 0.99
01:43:31.000 It's real.
01:43:32.000 They know it exists.
01:43:32.000 It's not like a ghost.
01:43:33.000 I read this thing that they were talking about Perry or Romney or one of those guys.
01:43:37.000 I literally don't care about politics at all, but some of it interests me.
01:43:41.000 They were saying how, oh, well, the unemployment premiums went up.
01:43:45.000 They're up to 14% in Massachusetts, so that shows how bad they are.
01:43:48.000 They're 14% higher than the national average.
01:43:50.000 And then somebody was like, yeah, yeah.
01:43:51.000 But when I instituted this thing, it was 20% over.
01:43:54.000 It's down to 14%.
01:43:55.000 You can't just say...
01:43:57.000 I don't know why...
01:43:57.000 What were you saying?
01:43:58.000 I just thought of this.
01:44:00.000 The people in Foxconn.
01:44:02.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:44:02.000 I was like, what?
01:44:03.000 If no one in China has air conditioning, then it's not that bad.
01:44:05.000 It just sounds way worse.
01:44:06.000 Yeah, but either way, that's extreme.
01:44:09.000 $107 a month?
01:44:10.000 You're so cheap.
01:44:12.000 Yeah.
01:44:12.000 And this is the point.
01:44:14.000 They have suicide nets.
01:44:15.000 They have suicide nets all around the building.
01:44:18.000 Yeah.
01:44:18.000 What?
01:44:19.000 I saw this conversation you had.
01:44:22.000 Wow.
01:44:24.000 There's like millions of people that work there.
01:44:26.000 I saw this conversation.
01:44:26.000 There's millions of people there that the rate is actually lower than the national average.
01:44:32.000 Yes, it is.
01:44:34.000 There's actually 420,000 people that are employed there.
01:44:37.000 And their rate is slightly below the national range.
01:44:41.000 Wow.
01:44:41.000 So really, it's not about them being like, oh, look how bad they are.
01:44:44.000 They have to have suicide now.
01:44:45.000 It's like, no, no, look how above and beyond they're going.
01:44:47.000 Actually, the real question is, how many of those people kill themselves at work?
01:44:52.000 That's the real question.
01:44:53.000 The difference is they live there, right?
01:44:54.000 Exactly. 0.99
01:44:55.000 That's why it's depressing as fuck. 0.98
01:44:56.000 But how many times have you heard post offices, guys going in and shooting up the place? 0.98
01:45:00.000 Or it just happened at Seal Beach.
01:45:02.000 Supposedly, one of the employees just killed eight people there.
01:45:05.000 Was that an employee?
01:45:05.000 I thought that was a boyfriend.
01:45:06.000 Oh, I thought it was a guy that worked there. 0.99
01:45:08.000 I could see you wanting to kill yourself.
01:45:09.000 If you work at an Apple plant for months and months and they come in one day, it's like, guys, big announcement!
01:45:14.000 And everyone stops working for a second.
01:45:15.000 It's like, we just got a great review and the gawker!
01:45:19.000 And they're like, uh-oh, okay, excuse me.
01:45:21.000 And just go up to the roof.
01:45:22.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:45:22.000 And just fucking end it. 0.99
01:45:23.000 I think it has, you know, I think it's probably one of these things that, yeah, whatever they're making, what, $200 a month or whatever it is. 0.99
01:45:29.000 Not even.
01:45:30.000 $175.
01:45:30.000 $175.
01:45:31.000 I think, if anything, it's probably, and around them, like, how much does rice cost and things like that, you know?
01:45:37.000 I mean, you can get a whole bag for $5.
01:45:40.000 Brian's like, you know, first of all. 0.95
01:45:41.000 I know where you live sucks horribly, but you don't need to escape. 0.89
01:45:44.000 What do you want? 0.98
01:45:46.000 Retirement?
01:45:46.000 Well, you can retire on a bag of rice.
01:45:48.000 And it's also giving them a place to live, though, too.
01:45:51.000 Most jobs, yeah, you might get paid shitty, but you're also not getting to live there.
01:45:56.000 God, dude, you're living in a dormitory stacked on top of each other.
01:45:59.000 And they're not making enough money to buy a house somewhere.
01:46:02.000 I mean, what are they going to do?
01:46:03.000 They get wrung out to dry, drained of your humanity, just so that we can have phones.
01:46:09.000 But what are the other people?
01:46:12.000 Where that factory is, are there houses, or are people living on boats?
01:46:16.000 It is a good question. 0.99
01:46:18.000 Maybe that reality is so much better than the zombie apocalypse that they were living in before this fucking Chinese sweatshop factory opened up. 1.00
01:46:25.000 And they're probably getting medical on that. 0.99
01:46:27.000 I'm not sure if they do, but they probably are.
01:46:29.000 Everybody sort of wants to say, well, maybe everything's okay.
01:46:33.000 But the reality is, it's a sweatshop.
01:46:35.000 Yeah, it is a sweatshop.
01:46:36.000 And we don't hire children in America.
01:46:38.000 We had to make a law. 0.96
01:46:39.000 And it sucks when other people do and pay them shittily.
01:46:42.000 And it's like, yeah, of course we're going to have it there. 0.76
01:46:43.000 It's cheaper. 0.98
01:46:44.000 And then you realize Microsoft, Sony, every single fucking company does the exact same thing. 0.99
01:46:50.000 Even at Foxconn. 0.95
01:46:51.000 Well, that's, you know, what's really interesting is I said, I wrote this on Twitter and I wrote this on the message board.
01:46:57.000 I said, what about a phone called the iPhone Karma?
01:46:59.000 And what it is is a phone that's made in America.
01:47:02.000 You pay people a good wage.
01:47:05.000 Yeah, you pay them a good wage and I'll pay double for your phone.
01:47:07.000 And you better have a sticker where everyone else can see.
01:47:10.000 You would sell hundreds.
01:47:14.000 It would be such a grin.
01:47:18.000 Listen, man.
01:47:19.000 It might not be a moneymaker.
01:47:22.000 No, you know, they would never do it.
01:47:24.000 Because they'd have to also be admitting that they were doing something bad on the other end.
01:47:27.000 Exactly.
01:47:28.000 One of the guys from the message board said that they should have an iPhone Karma and then an iPhone...
01:47:31.000 Evil?
01:47:32.000 Tyranny.
01:47:34.000 That one.
01:47:35.000 It's like super cheap.
01:47:36.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:47:37.000 And you just support the Dark Lord as they fucking drop bombs from drones. 1.00
01:47:42.000 It's a shitty olive green color. 1.00
01:47:44.000 It's made out of the flesh of Afghani babies. 1.00
01:47:47.000 Even the shirts, even t-shirts and clothing, half of that shit comes from even worse conditions than Foxconn. 0.99
01:47:53.000 I don't know. 0.98
01:47:54.000 It's really weird.
01:47:56.000 Where do you prioritize?
01:47:57.000 Obviously, it's horrible that there's war going on right now and civilians in Afghanistan and Iraq are dying. 0.99
01:48:04.000 It's not their fucking fault and the whole thing is chaos. 0.98
01:48:07.000 You can only think about it for so long. 1.00
01:48:09.000 There's so many goddamn things to think about. 0.97
01:48:12.000 You have to go to the countries. 0.99
01:48:14.000 The countries have to make it laws and be like, look, no, this is illegal. 0.97
01:48:17.000 You have to fucking have these conditions and stuff like that. 0.91
01:48:20.000 Everyone else has to play by our rules. 0.99
01:48:23.000 They won't do it.
01:48:24.000 We're not worth anything anymore, man.
01:48:26.000 We're broke. 1.00
01:48:26.000 We're broke as fuck. 1.00
01:48:27.000 I don't even understand how that works. 1.00
01:48:29.000 I understand how it works.
01:48:30.000 I finally figured it out. 1.00
01:48:30.000 It's these fucking podcasts. 1.00
01:48:32.000 Nobody's working anymore. 1.00
01:48:34.000 90% of you listening right now just go, shut up, shut up, you're going to ruin it. 1.00
01:48:38.000 They all listen to podcasts all day long at work. 1.00
01:48:41.000 It's motherfuckers ruining everything. 1.00
01:48:43.000 I think we should just have a country bias out. 1.00
01:48:46.000 What's the most successful country right now?
01:48:48.000 I think we might be the most successful, which is the scariest thing.
01:48:50.000 That means that the banks are the really ones controlling everything. 0.96
01:48:53.000 If everybody's fucking broke, if everybody's broke, there's that one country where everybody's just fucking balling Jay-Z style 24-7 in their underwear, pop I've been bottles with models on the top of a yacht. 0.97
01:49:07.000 No one's doing that. 0.99
01:49:08.000 Not one country.
01:49:09.000 Then how is anybody winning?
01:49:10.000 And if nobody's winning, where did all the resources go? 0.99
01:49:12.000 You cunts. 0.98
01:49:13.000 Who's got the money? 1.00
01:49:14.000 Who's got the papers?
01:49:15.000 There's my problem with the Occupy Wall Street stuff.
01:49:17.000 I just don't quite understand.
01:49:19.000 I like the rising up and stating your mind and stuff.
01:49:22.000 I just don't understand who you're picketing for and what results you're hoping for.
01:49:25.000 Well, they want change, and I don't know what that means.
01:49:27.000 But the super rich, they're the ones...
01:49:30.000 I mean, are they going to be like, well, you're not affecting me in any way?
01:49:32.000 The good thing is what they're doing is getting people to think that this is a very unstable situation, because it is, and that people are fed up, because they are, and they should be. 0.97
01:49:41.000 This is a fucking terrible financial system. 0.99
01:49:44.000 It's horrible. 1.00
01:49:45.000 I don't understand it, but I know that...
01:49:48.000 Billions of dollars have been thrown around in the form of bailouts, and some say much more than that if you follow the accounting.
01:49:55.000 The secret ones. 0.58
01:49:55.000 Yeah, they forced an audit, and Ron Paul had something to do with this, and they found out there was just fucking insane amounts of money loaned to all these different creepy cunts all over the world, and bailouts just pushing left and right, and it's all our tax money, man. 0.58
01:50:11.000 It's all scary. 0.98
01:50:11.000 They spent all our fucking money, and we're broke. 0.98
01:50:13.000 And we're in two wars at the same time. 0.99
01:50:16.000 And no one has any solution that seems to want to deviate from the current path.
01:50:23.000 Everyone's solution is stay on the current path, but manage it better.
01:50:27.000 Except Ron Paul.
01:50:28.000 He has a better solution?
01:50:29.000 He wants us out.
01:50:30.000 He wants everybody back. 0.97
01:50:31.000 He's like, this is ridiculous. 0.94
01:50:32.000 Of war, you mean? 0.94
01:50:33.000 Yeah, and because of that, they don't even pay attention to him.
01:50:35.000 There's this new guy that they're following.
01:50:37.000 Who's this black guy? 0.94
01:50:38.000 The black guy? 0.88
01:50:38.000 Herman Payne? 0.88
01:50:39.000 Is that what his name is?
01:50:40.000 Haven't we had enough?
01:50:42.000 I'm just kidding. 0.84
01:50:43.000 He's a black Republican. 0.89
01:50:44.000 They've sent in Mothra to battle with Godzilla.
01:50:47.000 He's not going to run, is he? 1.00
01:50:48.000 Fuck yeah, he's running. 1.00
01:50:50.000 The black guy's ahead. 1.00
01:50:51.000 He's ahead right now. 0.77
01:50:52.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:50:53.000 Okay, we need to find out.
01:50:54.000 Have you ever thought about giving up and moving somewhere completely different?
01:50:58.000 Well, this guy, he's such a Republican.
01:50:59.000 He says that if you don't have a job, that's your fault.
01:51:02.000 Wow.
01:51:03.000 If you're not rich, it's your fault.
01:51:05.000 Have you ever thought about doing that, Joe?
01:51:06.000 Just like, you know what?
01:51:07.000 I'm retiring in a different country. 0.98
01:51:09.000 I'm fucking Cat Stevens-ing out. 0.98
01:51:11.000 Johnny Depp was in France. 0.98
01:51:12.000 Oh, yeah, that's right.
01:51:14.000 Mostly it's just cars are cars.
01:51:16.000 You know, air conditioning, the air conditioning in your room.
01:51:18.000 Herman Cain.
01:51:20.000 That's his name.
01:51:20.000 Herman Cain.
01:51:21.000 He's a very successful businessman.
01:51:23.000 I think a lot of those Occupy Wall Street people want to do away with capitalism. 0.99
01:51:28.000 Yeah, there's a lot of hippie bitches out there that need to punch. 1.00
01:51:30.000 But I think that's their problem. 1.00
01:51:31.000 It's like, why should 1% have it?
01:51:32.000 We should all be equal in this.
01:51:34.000 Well, you're proposing a giant change.
01:51:36.000 There's a lot of...
01:51:37.000 No, yeah, that's not cool.
01:51:39.000 You don't deserve to be equal, okay?
01:51:41.000 What you deserve is a fair system to compete in.
01:51:44.000 The tax breaks for the rich... 0.98
01:51:46.000 It just looks so shitty. 0.92
01:51:47.000 There should always be a benefit for performance. 0.79
01:51:49.000 That's what makes human beings excel.
01:51:51.000 There should be a benefit for performance.
01:51:53.000 So your ideas, your socialistic nonsense, it violates human behavior.
01:51:58.000 It violates everything that we know about how people operate and how people progress.
01:52:03.000 We like to compete with each other.
01:52:04.000 It's fun.
01:52:05.000 We like to prove that we're worthy.
01:52:06.000 We like to create things that people enjoy.
01:52:08.000 We like to put out a bunch of things.
01:52:09.000 We like to be rewarded for that.
01:52:10.000 There's nothing wrong with that.
01:52:12.000 Hippies.
01:52:13.000 Just because you can't run doesn't mean other people can't run.
01:52:16.000 Okay?
01:52:17.000 They want to run.
01:52:17.000 Let us run.
01:52:18.000 Shut up. 0.99
01:52:19.000 All it seems like I've succeeded in doing is getting cops in trouble for beating on them. 0.99
01:52:23.000 We're all like one, man.
01:52:25.000 There should be no money, man.
01:52:27.000 There should be money.
01:52:28.000 There should be a fair system.
01:52:30.000 It's supposed to be one piece of gold equals one donkey.
01:52:33.000 It's supposed to be, you know, it's supposed to be based on that.
01:52:36.000 Yeah, but it'll still be a problem where 1% will still own all the gold. 0.97
01:52:38.000 Yeah, but so fucking what? 0.97
01:52:40.000 It's a capitalist game, you know? 0.99
01:52:42.000 So is that what they're trying to get?
01:52:44.000 You want to put a cap on it?
01:52:45.000 I mean, it wouldn't be bad to put a ridiculous cap, like say you can't have more than $10 billion ever. 0.97
01:52:50.000 And everything more than $10 billion, you go, yeah, you're right, just fucking give it to charity. 0.96
01:52:53.000 And you'd just be laughing and bawling. 0.60
01:52:55.000 So it wouldn't stop you from, you know, you'd still be wanting to make a lot of money if you were that dude who was out there, you know.
01:53:02.000 I guess.
01:53:03.000 Unless you're like, well, I've already made $10 billion.
01:53:04.000 I'm out.
01:53:05.000 Most of them don't get like that.
01:53:06.000 Whatever makes a guy like Bill Gates become a guy like Bill Gates makes them keep working.
01:53:10.000 They want more money.
01:53:10.000 Yeah.
01:53:11.000 They keep working until they're old men.
01:53:13.000 They enjoy it.
01:53:13.000 Bill Gates could have retired with Windows 95. A long time ago.
01:53:17.000 He could have just sold that shit. 1.00
01:53:18.000 I probably would have. 1.00
01:53:19.000 He should have.
01:53:19.000 I probably would have.
01:53:22.000 You need a competitor.
01:53:24.000 Windows me. 0.96
01:53:26.000 The Mac OS X back then sucked.
01:53:29.000 I mean, not OSX, before, pre-OSX, whatever it was.
01:53:32.000 Before Steve Jobs started back in.
01:53:33.000 Windows 95 was off.
01:53:34.000 That's the reason I didn't want to switch over to Mac, is because their OS 9 and before was really hard to use.
01:53:39.000 You couldn't see what was open, it was just way harder to use. 0.82
01:53:42.000 I remember when John Carmack started coding for the Mac, when they first tried to port id software games over to the Mac, and he was like, oh my god, these things are crap.
01:53:52.000 I remember there was no multitasking in the operating system.
01:53:56.000 No preemptive multitasking, no memory protection, and things would just shut down, crash.
01:54:00.000 He was talking to me to make a blog about how many times he had a reboot, and it would just crash.
01:54:05.000 But then they got that OSX, and it became like...
01:54:08.000 It's the future.
01:54:10.000 And by the way, this is only step one. 0.99
01:54:12.000 There's going to be some new shit in 10 years from now. 0.98
01:54:15.000 It's going to make this look like we're playing Pong. 0.93
01:54:18.000 When they did away with the disk drive, I was like, what are you guys doing? 0.98
01:54:23.000 You guys are crazy, man. 1.00
01:54:25.000 You're idiots. 1.00
01:54:26.000 I can't put a floppy in. 1.00
01:54:28.000 We had so many people when I worked at Gateway.
01:54:30.000 That was right when we stopped putting disk drives in our computers.
01:54:35.000 And we still had this external one that you could hook up using USB. And people got so angry.
01:54:42.000 People would come in and go, you guys are...
01:54:43.000 It's change!
01:54:45.000 We don't want change!
01:54:47.000 They wanted floppy disks.
01:54:49.000 Yeah, they wanted that.
01:54:50.000 It works fine!
01:54:51.000 Why are you messing with the system? 0.94
01:54:54.000 I saw one on the sidewalk the other day, and I wanted to pick it up, and I'm like, I wonder what the fuck's on this floppy disk on the sidewalk.
01:55:00.000 But I was like, wait, I don't even have a floppy disk drive anymore.
01:55:03.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:55:04.000 Hey, man, someday those are going to be fascinating.
01:55:07.000 Someday they're going to be really fascinating.
01:55:08.000 I just got rid of my floppy disk when I de-hoarded.
01:55:10.000 You just did?
01:55:11.000 Yeah, I had some old ones where I had a script on it or something.
01:55:13.000 And then essentially I was like, Ari, you're never going to put this in anywhere.
01:55:16.000 Just throw it away.
01:55:17.000 Wow, look at that.
01:55:19.000 I would have kept it. 0.99
01:55:20.000 I did keep it for fucking 20 years. 0.99
01:55:22.000 For no reason. 0.99
01:55:23.000 I had an old, old, old Mac laptop computer that had, like, it was thick like a fucking brick. 0.98
01:55:31.000 And it was like a big-ass computer, but the screen inside was pretty small. 0.97
01:55:35.000 And it had a trackball.
01:55:37.000 I like the trackball.
01:55:39.000 I remember those.
01:55:40.000 Like the nub.
01:55:40.000 My favorite was the nub.
01:55:41.000 The little nub that looks like a clip.
01:55:43.000 I used to love the ThinkPads.
01:55:45.000 IBM ThinkPads.
01:55:46.000 That red dot on there that you can mess with.
01:55:48.000 So when we were talking about this iPhone Karma, the idea of it being an American phone and you could actually pay for it.
01:55:54.000 So you're saying that they do them in Brazil now?
01:55:56.000 Yeah.
01:55:57.000 Is that better?
01:55:58.000 They do them in this factory in Brazil.
01:56:00.000 I think they just are mixing it up because the company that is manufacturing the 4S actually had this idea in their head how many they were going to have to make.
01:56:12.000 Right.
01:56:12.000 And they just found out from all these pre-orders that so many people are ordering it, it's about 50% more than they anticipated.
01:56:20.000 Wow, 50% more?
01:56:21.000 50% more.
01:56:22.000 So I think what they have to do is just supply and demand.
01:56:24.000 Like Foxconn can't have an extra...
01:56:26.000 Oh, can't handle...
01:56:27.000 Can't handle that.
01:56:28.000 Especially if they're probably doing the iPad, too.
01:56:29.000 So they're just splitting up the factories now.
01:56:32.000 But, you know, it's just like anything you do...
01:56:34.000 Yeah, it's like that episode of What's Happening when Raj got that deal to print up the Christmas cards and birthday cards and stuff.
01:56:40.000 And then they gave him such a large order that they couldn't handle it and they had to go out of business.
01:56:44.000 Was that a Quincy Jones tune also?
01:56:50.000 Could have been anything.
01:56:51.000 I can't believe you actually remember that plot.
01:56:53.000 Different episodes, yeah.
01:56:55.000 I never understood.
01:56:55.000 I'm like, wait, the orders are too much so you had to go out of business.
01:56:58.000 I don't get that at all.
01:57:00.000 But it made sense.
01:57:01.000 Dynamite! 0.96
01:57:02.000 They were like, it's only black people watching. 0.99
01:57:04.000 Just say it.
01:57:05.000 Apparently Jimmy Walker got really upset after a while and didn't want to say dynamite anymore.
01:57:08.000 Yeah, he hated it.
01:57:10.000 Dynamite!
01:57:10.000 He was tortured by it, I guess.
01:57:13.000 Well, it's kind of weird.
01:57:14.000 You probably just get sick of saying it, but you remember the old saying, where's the beef? 1.00
01:57:17.000 They're now bringing that shit back now, too. 1.00
01:57:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:57:20.000 That lady's long dead, by the way. 1.00
01:57:21.000 I know.
01:57:22.000 Long dead.
01:57:22.000 I met her once.
01:57:23.000 You met the where's the beef lady? 1.00
01:57:25.000 Yeah.
01:57:25.000 So lucky.
01:57:28.000 No one's ever said that ever.
01:57:30.000 In all the years, that woman existed until now.
01:57:33.000 My mom was an executive secretary for the Wendy's Corporation in Columbus, Ohio.
01:57:37.000 I love how you say Wendy's.
01:57:38.000 I had a Wendy's today and felt very guilty.
01:57:41.000 So good.
01:57:41.000 So very, very good.
01:57:43.000 Well, you know what? 0.99
01:57:43.000 As far as fast food cheeseburgers go, pretty fucking sporty. 0.99
01:57:47.000 You feel better about that one, right, than other ones? 0.98
01:57:48.000 Yeah, it tastes better.
01:57:50.000 It tastes better.
01:57:50.000 You can tell it's hot.
01:57:51.000 They just made it, you know?
01:57:52.000 I'm pissed off at Carl's Jr. right now.
01:57:54.000 What?
01:57:55.000 Hardee's on the Midwest, but you know that new steak burger they show where it's this humongous steak burger with blue cheese and onion rings and it falls onto the TV and it's bouncing and beautiful and huge?
01:58:05.000 CJ. Yeah, it looked like CGI, exactly.
01:58:08.000 I just got it the other day and it looked like somebody sat on it. 0.98
01:58:10.000 And so I go, hey, this one sucks. 0.99
01:58:12.000 What the heck? 0.99
01:58:13.000 This one is all smushed. 1.00
01:58:14.000 Where's all the fucking shit? 1.00
01:58:15.000 So they made me a new one and I just didn't even look. 1.00
01:58:17.000 I just took it home and I opened it up and it was the same fucking thing. 0.99
01:58:20.000 Same thing? 1.00
01:58:21.000 It was just like the most pitiful looking fucking nasty burger. 0.99
01:58:25.000 It made me mad, though. 0.99
01:58:26.000 I've always said that that's like actresses. 1.00
01:58:29.000 They never look like their pictures.
01:58:31.000 Like their headshots.
01:58:34.000 Some actresses are cheeseburgers. 1.00
01:58:37.000 I talked to my agent about it.
01:58:38.000 He said he had girls sometimes where he's like, you're quirky.
01:58:41.000 If you get this headshot that makes you look like a model, you're going to be brought in for stuff you'll never book.
01:58:46.000 What's wrong with you?
01:58:47.000 Put glasses on.
01:58:48.000 They want to be hot, dude. 0.61
01:58:49.000 They don't want to be the wacky best friend.
01:58:53.000 How did the redhead from your show and from Suddenly Susan deal with that? 0.96
01:58:57.000 Well, the one from Suddenly Susan started hanging around with a bunch of gay dudes.
01:59:00.000 So you've got to draw that way. 0.92
01:59:03.000 Kathy Griffin. 0.99
01:59:04.000 She's killing them. 1.00
01:59:05.000 She's killing them on the road, too. 1.00
01:59:06.000 Gays love her. 1.00
01:59:07.000 Well, everybody loves her.
01:59:08.000 She's funny.
01:59:09.000 She's really funny.
01:59:09.000 She's cool, too.
01:59:10.000 I like her.
01:59:11.000 And then Vicky, you know, she does a lot of Broadway.
01:59:17.000 Really?
01:59:18.000 Like real acting?
01:59:19.000 Yeah, she's an amazing singer. 1.00
01:59:20.000 She's got an incredible voice.
01:59:22.000 I think that's probably her first love.
01:59:24.000 Oh, probably.
01:59:25.000 She's always on sitcoms and stuff, too.
01:59:29.000 That's cool.
01:59:30.000 I wonder how they deal with that, though.
01:59:31.000 It's tough.
01:59:32.000 I'm going to be quirky.
01:59:33.000 It's okay.
01:59:34.000 I know I was the cute girl when I grew up, but in L.A., the looks are a little different.
01:59:37.000 Vicky had a hot body, though. 1.00
01:59:39.000 Really?
01:59:39.000 Vicky Lewis, yeah.
01:59:40.000 She's a dancer. 1.00
01:59:41.000 She had a hot body. 1.00
01:59:42.000 That's nice.
01:59:43.000 She's quirky, but she's...
01:59:45.000 I rolled by this high school on the way over here, and they were playing lacrosse, and all these high school girls had their short shorts on. 1.00
01:59:52.000 Oh, Shazam, son! 0.99
01:59:54.000 God, it was so fucking... 0.99
01:59:55.000 They had the best legs. 1.00
01:59:57.000 Isn't it funny that that's like, you know, for sure shouldn't fuck them, okay? 1.00
02:00:01.000 It's not right. 1.00
02:00:02.000 You're an old man, and they're young, and, you know...
02:00:05.000 Yeah, I guess.
02:00:07.000 But, but, but, but, but, but.
02:00:10.000 Why is, why, what's going on here? 1.00
02:00:12.000 Then explain what's happening to my penis. 1.00
02:00:13.000 Yeah, what, what, when do we do? 1.00
02:00:15.000 Explain that, because something is happening.
02:00:17.000 We make a cutoff at 18, and that arbitrary cutoff means that this girl can handle it. 0.99
02:00:21.000 Alright, look, I know you're just going to fuck her and forget her, but now it's legal. 1.00
02:00:23.000 Go ahead, go! 1.00
02:00:24.000 At 18. The bell rings.
02:00:27.000 We've decided that enough time has gone by.
02:00:29.000 The chicken has hatched.
02:00:30.000 This is it.
02:00:31.000 It's ready for delivery.
02:00:33.000 Go.
02:00:33.000 Run.
02:00:33.000 And you just run.
02:00:34.000 And the moment the clock ticks 12, you can shove your cock at her. 1.00
02:00:38.000 But if you put it in five minutes before the clock ticks 12, they can lock you up in a fucking cage. 1.00
02:00:42.000 Can you rub it on the outside until 12? 1.00
02:00:44.000 No.
02:00:44.000 You can't even do that?
02:00:45.000 No, you can't even kiss her.
02:00:46.000 You can't even talk about it on a podcast.
02:00:47.000 You can't even talk about it on a podcast.
02:00:50.000 Okay, so by the record, this girl that we're talking about is 23. It just looks really young. 0.50
02:00:54.000 Yeah.
02:00:54.000 No, what we're talking about is when a person turns 18. That's what we're talking about, goddammit.
02:00:59.000 It's just weird that we have a little fucking eight-timer. 0.99
02:01:01.000 It is weird, especially when you see those girls that are 17. You look like you're 26. I live by a horse stable, so there's all these really hot, rich chicks that have horses. 1.00
02:01:11.000 So I'll be in Starbucks just waiting in line, and just some of them, man, with their little horse boots on and their little horse outfits.
02:01:18.000 You're just looking, and I'm going, goddammit, this is not fair.
02:01:21.000 This is really not fair. 0.53
02:01:22.000 It's rude.
02:01:23.000 It's rude.
02:01:24.000 It's not how I want to be in that.
02:01:25.000 Girls don't get that, though. 1.00
02:01:26.000 Girls don't look at 15-year-old boys and go, women don't do that. 1.00
02:01:30.000 Most don't, yeah.
02:01:31.000 Give me that young experience.
02:01:33.000 Only teachers look at that.
02:01:33.000 They look at a 29-year-old guy, 30-year-old guy, usually something like that.
02:01:37.000 Right, right.
02:01:37.000 Because men's power is right around that age when girls, they're at their best when they're 17. If anyone is past that, you've gone downhill.
02:01:45.000 That's why you feel the way you do. 0.99
02:01:47.000 And notice those girls never look at us and be like, oh my god, is that man boobs? 1.00
02:01:52.000 Oh, yeah. 0.94
02:01:53.000 You know, like, it doesn't go the other way.
02:01:55.000 Like, little girls do not like older men in their 30s.
02:01:58.000 Well, they do if they're not molested.
02:02:00.000 Oh, yeah.
02:02:01.000 If they've been molested, they do.
02:02:02.000 And please Facebook me if you have.
02:02:04.000 Holla at Ari.
02:02:05.000 He is the guy to sort out your issues.
02:02:07.000 Yeah.
02:02:08.000 I know you've got problems.
02:02:09.000 Ari's got solutions. 1.00
02:02:11.000 What's that guy from Lost, though?
02:02:12.000 The producer guy that just married that 16-year-old in Hawaii?
02:02:16.000 I thought he was an actor.
02:02:17.000 Was he an actor?
02:02:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:02:19.000 He was...
02:02:19.000 I forget who he was on the show.
02:02:21.000 He was in Lost.
02:02:21.000 He wasn't part of it, really.
02:02:23.000 Yeah, he wasn't a big part.
02:02:24.000 But yeah, the girl's tweets are goddamn hilarious. 1.00
02:02:27.000 Oh, they're awesome.
02:02:28.000 Her videos are awesome, too.
02:02:29.000 I don't know if you watch her on YouTube.
02:02:30.000 She's 16 or 17 now, and she talks about Jesus, and then talks about how dirty and naughty she has to be punished.
02:02:34.000 Her name is Courtney Stodden. 1.00
02:02:36.000 Follow this crazy bitch. 1.00
02:02:37.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:02:38.000 I shouldn't call her a bitch, because she's only 16. 16. Follow this crazy child. 1.00
02:02:41.000 She's 17 now. 1.00
02:02:42.000 Damn, but... 1.00
02:02:43.000 All her pictures are her in her bikini, poking her tits out. 1.00
02:02:47.000 She was also alliteration in her tweets, too. 0.99
02:02:50.000 And, oh, yeah, yeah.
02:02:51.000 And she's very funny.
02:02:52.000 My cotton candy body.
02:02:52.000 You've got to watch the videos, Jim.
02:02:54.000 Listen, this is her updates.
02:02:57.000 The sugary taste of satisfaction is bliss.
02:03:01.000 Take the adventure inside of yourself, and you will be victorious.
02:03:05.000 And then it has a wink smile. 1.00
02:03:07.000 Like, holy shit. 1.00
02:03:09.000 Can you imagine the nonsense you have to listen to before she'll blow you? 1.00
02:03:11.000 So much nonsense. 0.98
02:03:13.000 This poor guy. 0.98
02:03:14.000 Even though he's 51 and she's 16, he should be in jail.
02:03:18.000 Wait, where did they get married?
02:03:19.000 Where is that legal?
02:03:20.000 Vegas.
02:03:20.000 Powerful Vegas.
02:03:23.000 Powerful Vegas.
02:03:24.000 I think she's from Hawaii. 1.00
02:03:26.000 You're allowed to get married in Vegas at 16?
02:03:28.000 The weird thing is...
02:03:29.000 Why are there state laws for that?
02:03:30.000 Why don't they have a national standard for that?
02:03:32.000 They have weird ones, like New Mexico.
02:03:34.000 I think man-to-boy is like 13. Man-to-boy?
02:03:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:03:39.000 They don't protect the young boys.
02:03:41.000 They don't protect them in New Mexico.
02:03:42.000 You guys are smart enough now.
02:03:42.000 I might have made that up.
02:03:43.000 I might have made that up.
02:03:44.000 No, it's facts.
02:03:45.000 I love that when you say that.
02:03:47.000 I'm like, I'm going to get a call on earth, and I really don't know.
02:03:49.000 I was like 70% sure.
02:03:51.000 I know it was a fact at one point in time that one state had that.
02:03:53.000 I thought it was New Mexico and I was using it in this piece that I was writing about Catholics and how weird it is that they take Catholics when they get accused of child molesting and they just ship them out of state. 0.91
02:04:03.000 They do it on a regular basis.
02:04:05.000 And I was wondering, you know, maybe they ship them to places where the laws were different.
02:04:08.000 And I'm like, what law would be different?
02:04:10.000 And then I found out that New Mexico was one that had a weird law.
02:04:13.000 It was like, men to woman was like 16, but men to boy was like 13. I'm like, whoa, who fucking... 0.99
02:04:18.000 You hear that, Catholics? 1.00
02:04:19.000 You hear how your organization is acting?
02:04:22.000 Totally.
02:04:22.000 Go ahead, stay in it.
02:04:23.000 Making my own connection.
02:04:24.000 I said, that's why.
02:04:25.000 But I remember reading all these different various state laws.
02:04:28.000 Like, you have to be careful. 1.00
02:04:29.000 You have to drag a girl across a certain spot in the dirt before you fuck her. 1.00
02:04:31.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
02:04:32.000 If you also take someone underage across state border.
02:04:34.000 Yeah.
02:04:35.000 Even if you live close to the border.
02:04:36.000 Like, yeah, it's just going over there.
02:04:38.000 Like Kentucky and Cincinnati, when they just sort of intertwine.
02:04:40.000 They're right next to each other.
02:04:41.000 The Kentucky airport is, or the Cincinnati airport's in Kentucky.
02:04:44.000 Oh, yeah.
02:04:45.000 You know, it's real bizarre.
02:04:47.000 So, like, there you, who, if it's...
02:04:48.000 What's the age in Canada?
02:04:49.000 It's lower there, too, right?
02:04:51.000 Yeah.
02:04:51.000 I think it's 16. 16. Might be 17, age of consent.
02:04:54.000 18 is right.
02:04:56.000 A girl's 18. She's a little hooker. 1.00
02:04:58.000 She's out on her own. 0.99
02:05:00.000 Hopefully you've taught her to be nice and be around nice people.
02:05:03.000 She's not going to have a great memory of this, but it'll help her grow.
02:05:05.000 Yeah, look, everybody's had awkward sexual moments.
02:05:08.000 Hopefully she's around nice people and nothing bad happens to her.
02:05:10.000 Of course, everybody wants that.
02:05:12.000 But at a certain point in time, you've got to let a person be a person.
02:05:14.000 And what year is that?
02:05:15.000 Make their own decisions.
02:05:15.000 Yeah, what year is that?
02:05:16.000 Also, it ain't that bad to have sex with somebody you want to have sex with when you're 18. Exactly. 0.98
02:05:20.000 Yeah, like someone said this to me, like, well, you know, how are you going to treat your daughters when they start dating?
02:05:24.000 I go, they're girls. 1.00
02:05:27.000 Girls like boys.
02:05:28.000 Girls like boys and boys like girls. 0.90
02:05:30.000 It's my job to make sure that they see what a nice guy is like.
02:05:34.000 You know where that question comes from?
02:05:35.000 That question comes from the ideal that you're like, no, any sort of sex is victimization of women. 1.00
02:05:39.000 Well, it's also the idea of someone shoving their cock in your baby. 1.00
02:05:43.000 Okay, it's not just that. 1.00
02:05:45.000 You raise this child since there's this little tiny thing in diapers.
02:05:48.000 It's like something bad that's going to happen to them, but it's not.
02:05:50.000 Sort of.
02:05:50.000 It's also just you're losing the innocence of their youth, even if they want it.
02:05:54.000 What about a guy shoving his cock into a girl? 1.00
02:05:56.000 That same sort of innocence of youth. 1.00
02:05:59.000 Nah, it doesn't matter if the guy loses it.
02:06:00.000 If the guy loses it, it's like a celebration. 1.00
02:06:02.000 When the girl loses it, it's like, my baby's sucking cock in the back of my head. 1.00
02:06:06.000 Yeah, because you feel like something bad is happening to her. 1.00
02:06:08.000 Yeah, if you're a parent and you come outside and you see a foggy car and you peer in and your daughter's sucking some guy's cock... 1.00
02:06:16.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:06:17.000 That's going to bum you out, man.
02:06:18.000 Oh, yeah.
02:06:19.000 Definitely.
02:06:20.000 It's going to bum you out.
02:06:21.000 Dude, I don't even like seeing it if it's someone that I know and not have a crush on, but just like as a human. 0.98
02:06:27.000 If I saw Eleanor fucking blowing some guy in a car, I'd be like, oh, Eleanor. 1.00
02:06:31.000 Well, you know, this girl had to get permission from her father, too. 0.99
02:06:34.000 Oh, really?
02:06:35.000 Should it get signed over?
02:06:36.000 Yeah, and her mother and father had no problem with her marrying this dude.
02:06:39.000 Eleanor's a perfect example for that. 0.92
02:06:41.000 This is exactly what I was thinking of.
02:06:43.000 She's going to be fascinating.
02:06:45.000 This girl, this 16-year-old.
02:06:47.000 She's so fascinating already.
02:06:49.000 Whatever it is, she's off the deep end crazy.
02:06:52.000 Man.
02:06:53.000 If you could get one of those helmets that record brainwaves and put it on that chick's head, it would just be like 4th of July in the air. 1.00
02:07:03.000 Everything's just going in all sorts of different directions.
02:07:05.000 What if the whole thing is viral marketing?
02:07:07.000 Oh, just her?
02:07:10.000 She's the next lonely girl 18 or whatever. 0.78
02:07:12.000 They said she puts out a lot of tweets that are really interesting.
02:07:15.000 She's a Joaquin Phoenix of Hot Chicks. 1.00
02:07:17.000 She's just hiring a staff of writers. 1.00
02:07:19.000 It's just a troll.
02:07:21.000 Yeah, I don't think so, dude. 1.00
02:07:22.000 I think she's a nutty bitch. 1.00
02:07:23.000 That's what I think. 1.00
02:07:24.000 She's just a hot, young, nutty girl. 1.00
02:07:28.000 There's so many crazies now and they're exploited. 0.95
02:07:30.000 It's working.
02:07:31.000 We're talking about it.
02:07:32.000 We're on this podcast.
02:07:33.000 Half a million people are listening to this right now.
02:07:34.000 It's interesting because it's so weird.
02:07:36.000 Follow her tweets, though.
02:07:37.000 Who cares if she... 1.00
02:07:38.000 I don't want to support her.
02:07:39.000 Listen, man, you ain't giving her anything.
02:07:40.000 Follow her tweets. 1.00
02:07:41.000 These bitches... 1.00
02:07:42.000 Yeah, it's not supporting. 1.00
02:07:43.000 It doesn't do anything.
02:07:44.000 It just entertains you.
02:07:45.000 Watch her videos. 0.99
02:07:45.000 Her videos are fucking hilarious. 0.99
02:07:47.000 Really? 0.99
02:07:47.000 She talks about haters and stuff. 0.99
02:07:49.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
02:07:49.000 She's retarded. 1.00
02:07:50.000 It's good stuff. 0.99
02:07:53.000 Wild wiggling and jauntily jiggling myself into jolting jams as I friskily flaunt a flirty outfit completed with sexy white 7-inch go-go boots.
02:08:05.000 Wink.
02:08:06.000 Smile.
02:08:07.000 Yep, all of it. 1.00
02:08:09.000 Bitch knows how to write! 1.00
02:08:10.000 She goes a little much to the alliteration. 1.00
02:08:12.000 She's wise beyond her age.
02:08:13.000 That's what it is.
02:08:14.000 It's probably her husband writing it.
02:08:16.000 When do you think we're going to see the sex tape?
02:08:18.000 Because it's going to be illegal.
02:08:19.000 Isn't that fascinating?
02:08:20.000 Not that she turns 18. Then, if she makes it then.
02:08:23.000 But she has to be 18. Yeah, when she makes it.
02:08:25.000 And we have to make sure, they would have to make sure that this...
02:08:28.000 She would have to have a newspaper in the video. 0.90
02:08:30.000 Yeah, a newspaper and a clock.
02:08:32.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:08:32.000 And as soon as it strikes midnight and she hits 18, he shoves it in there and just starts monkey-fucking her. 0.99
02:08:37.000 Can you imagine that, if that would be the video? 0.98
02:08:39.000 Like, there's a countdown.
02:08:41.000 The first five minutes of the video is just four minutes and 59 seconds, four minutes and 58 seconds.
02:08:46.000 An underage is in a porno, but she's not doing any porn until she's 18. Yeah, well, she sits there with her ass up in the air with her pants on. 1.00
02:08:54.000 Maybe playing with blocks on the ground or something. 0.99
02:08:57.000 With her hands on her button, the moment it hits one...
02:09:01.000 Zero.
02:09:02.000 Bang.
02:09:02.000 Slop.
02:09:03.000 He comes running in like a fucking linebacker. 1.00
02:09:06.000 Doosh! 1.00
02:09:07.000 Dick right in the pussy. 1.00
02:09:09.000 Pow! 1.00
02:09:10.000 They should do that if they haven't done that already.
02:09:13.000 Yeah, they should do it. 0.99
02:09:14.000 The most ridiculous porn of all time. 1.00
02:09:15.000 Hey, porn producers, get on it. 0.99
02:09:17.000 Do you think there's ever anyone who's done a porn and that porn was the first time they had sex? 0.98
02:09:21.000 Yes. 0.84
02:09:22.000 Oh, yeah.
02:09:23.000 It must be, right?
02:09:23.000 It should be a brother and a sister.
02:09:25.000 Twin brother and sister.
02:09:26.000 I would like to see that, though.
02:09:27.000 They're both sitting there at 11.59.
02:09:29.000 Verifiable.
02:09:30.000 Verifiable. 0.98
02:09:30.000 I would love to see someone have sex for the first time on camera. 0.98
02:09:33.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:09:33.000 If I knew it was real. 0.98
02:09:35.000 But first time is not that good, right?
02:09:37.000 No.
02:09:37.000 First time is just like, what the hell are we doing?
02:09:39.000 But from a voyeuristic standpoint, it'd be interesting to watch.
02:09:41.000 Is that what you're all about, Ari?
02:09:43.000 What?
02:09:43.000 I'll show you my third time if you want to.
02:09:45.000 You have your third time on tape?
02:09:46.000 Yeah.
02:09:47.000 Ew.
02:09:47.000 It's horrible.
02:09:48.000 It was last week. 1.00
02:09:50.000 He's got a fucking camera set up at his house. 1.00
02:09:53.000 He ate a bunch of tribulus and got in there. 0.99
02:09:55.000 Have you ever taped yourself?
02:09:56.000 Taped myself?
02:09:57.000 Yeah.
02:09:57.000 No.
02:09:58.000 And you have?
02:09:58.000 That's bad for you, dude.
02:09:59.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:09:59.000 That shit gets on the internet. 1.00
02:10:00.000 I never have. 1.00
02:10:01.000 Well, luckily it's on...
02:10:02.000 Even the days before the internet?
02:10:03.000 You not like the way your body looks naked?
02:10:05.000 Do I not?
02:10:06.000 No, it just seems like a lot of setup time. 1.00
02:10:08.000 I just want to fuck. 1.00
02:10:09.000 It's very creepy. 1.00
02:10:10.000 And you watch it a bunch. 1.00
02:10:11.000 You see your butthole and stuff. 0.99
02:10:13.000 Definitely, if I were to do it again, I would do it the other way around. 0.98
02:10:16.000 Do you like your angles? 0.99
02:10:17.000 There's no reason to see your butthole. 1.00
02:10:18.000 You don't like your angles. 1.00
02:10:19.000 I was horrible at angles.
02:10:22.000 Horrible at angles?
02:10:23.000 You didn't know how to work the MySpace thing?
02:10:24.000 Plus, it was on a waterbed, so it was just really creepy looking.
02:10:28.000 It was just buttholes and motions and bad.
02:10:31.000 Well, people have, like, started up their own, like, porn sites, too. 0.99
02:10:35.000 There's a bunch of them where it's, like, guys and their wives, and they would just fuck on camera. 0.98
02:10:39.000 Why not? 0.99
02:10:40.000 It was real common.
02:10:41.000 Remember, like, Wifey's World? 0.99
02:10:43.000 That was one of them.
02:10:43.000 It's still around, isn't it?
02:10:44.000 Is it?
02:10:44.000 Or do they get divorced?
02:10:45.000 But the problem is, once you realize, oh, I can just fake these and make a bunch of money.
02:10:49.000 She might be a hot old milf right now, but she's probably in her late 40s, I think. 1.00
02:10:54.000 That ain't good.
02:10:54.000 Because this was a long time ago that this was going on.
02:10:56.000 It's so good.
02:10:57.000 But it was all videos of this guy.
02:10:59.000 You never saw the guy, but his wife just blowing him. 1.00
02:11:02.000 She's just constantly sucking on the same cock. 1.00
02:11:04.000 Uh-huh. 1.00
02:11:05.000 And there's another one.
02:11:06.000 There was iDeepThroat.com.
02:11:08.000 Remember that?
02:11:09.000 Same thing.
02:11:09.000 That girl and her husband.
02:11:10.000 A lot of porn stars do that. 1.00
02:11:12.000 Like, I'll only fuck my boyfriend now. 1.00
02:11:14.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:11:15.000 That's the only guy. 1.00
02:11:16.000 That shit's boring to us, girls. 1.00
02:11:17.000 Either you're a whore or you're not. 1.00
02:11:19.000 Commit. 1.00
02:11:20.000 It seems like you're liking this.
02:11:21.000 I'm tuning out.
02:11:24.000 Yeah, ew.
02:11:24.000 What, are you really in love with that guy?
02:11:26.000 Barf.
02:11:27.000 How strange. 1.00
02:11:28.000 Yeah, that's horrible shit. 1.00
02:11:31.000 How's your smoking, buddy? 1.00
02:11:32.000 Smoking?
02:11:33.000 Your smoking, buddy.
02:11:35.000 Oh, Jaden James.
02:11:37.000 She's fine.
02:11:38.000 My smoking buddy.
02:11:39.000 That's great.
02:11:40.000 Isn't it weird being friends with porno stars and then you see their work?
02:11:45.000 Isn't that strange?
02:11:46.000 Oh, yeah.
02:11:46.000 And you're like, oh, I know you.
02:11:47.000 Still something's happening. 0.98
02:11:48.000 It makes masturbation easier, though. 0.99
02:11:51.000 It makes masturbation easier? 0.99
02:11:52.000 Yeah, because you're hanging out with somebody and you're like, oh, I could actually see what this girl looks like having sex now. 1.00
02:11:56.000 And that's, you know. 0.85
02:11:57.000 Yeah.
02:11:57.000 Hmm.
02:11:59.000 I normally, when I know somebody who has a porn, I'll avoid it on purpose. 0.99
02:12:03.000 I'm like, I don't want to fucking see this. 0.99
02:12:04.000 But then, I remember after Jaden wouldn't fuck me that night, when I came home, I was like, look, beat off to you. 0.99
02:12:09.000 May as well. 0.99
02:12:10.000 I'm going to move to this.
02:12:11.000 What happened was, Ari thought he was going to get some, and she was going to come over Ari's, or he was going to go over hers.
02:12:17.000 I went over to her place.
02:12:18.000 And they were going to smoke weed together. 0.99
02:12:19.000 And Ari's like, oh shit, it's on. 1.00
02:12:22.000 Smoke weed at 2am with a hot porn star. 1.00
02:12:24.000 So he's like, oh shit, it's on, kid. 1.00
02:12:27.000 And she got over there. 0.99
02:12:28.000 She's like, Ari, no.
02:12:29.000 Listen, I'm in my panties, but that's just how I roll. 0.98
02:12:32.000 Well, most of them are actually not as horny and crazy as Brie Olsen. 1.00
02:12:38.000 I want to meet Brie Olsen because Brie Olsen seems like in real life she'll fuck the janitor. 1.00
02:12:42.000 That's what it is. 1.00
02:12:43.000 She wants to seem like that.
02:12:44.000 I think Norton shot a load into her. 0.92
02:12:46.000 Really?
02:12:47.000 Yeah.
02:12:47.000 Well, I actually think he pulled out, but I think she said that he could have come inside of her, but I think he panicked.
02:12:52.000 Oh, wow.
02:12:53.000 I talked to James for my podcast.
02:12:55.000 Yeah, how was that?
02:12:57.000 Oh, yeah, let's talk about that, too, because you've got a podcast that's out on its own now.
02:13:00.000 It's not under the Death Squad label anymore.
02:13:02.000 Brian and Ari got a divorce.
02:13:04.000 We got a divorce.
02:13:05.000 But we're all in the same family.
02:13:07.000 I want to do more at home and stuff, but on the road.
02:13:09.000 Yeah, so he got a whole setup and everything, and we actually used that setup on a plane. 0.69
02:13:13.000 It was pretty fucking cool.
02:13:14.000 Yeah. 0.87
02:13:14.000 That was really good, dude. 0.87
02:13:16.000 It came out.
02:13:17.000 The setup is nice.
02:13:19.000 And I'm going to start duplicating that.
02:13:21.000 Handheld mics?
02:13:22.000 Yeah, handheld mics.
02:13:23.000 Sennheisers with a mic cover.
02:13:25.000 And it connects right into one of those Zooms. 0.63
02:13:28.000 It's good stuff, man.
02:13:29.000 But she was on the podcast and actually talked about going home.
02:13:33.000 Let's tell people what it is.
02:13:34.000 It's Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank.
02:13:36.000 Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank, yeah.
02:13:37.000 If you go to AriTheGreat.com, everything's on there.
02:13:41.000 So what did she do?
02:13:42.000 You guys talked about it, like going home that night.
02:13:44.000 It was kind of uncomfortable because it was like hearing her side of it.
02:13:48.000 Her side is completely fine. 0.99
02:13:50.000 It's like, you know, I had no intention of ever fucking you. 0.99
02:13:52.000 I'm allowed to not fuck people. 1.00
02:13:53.000 I don't want to fuck. 1.00
02:13:54.000 Like, yeah, that sounds reasonable, but why is my dick still dry? 1.00
02:13:58.000 Why is my dick still trying? 1.00
02:14:00.000 Listen, I saw you let that black guy fuck in your asshole. 1.00
02:14:03.000 Yeah, she's hardcore. 1.00
02:14:04.000 Just let me have your mouth. 1.00
02:14:05.000 It was pretty fun, actually.
02:14:06.000 She was talking about doing a gangbang, and she's never done that before.
02:14:09.000 That was one of her goals.
02:14:11.000 She wanted to do a gangbang? 1.00
02:14:12.000 She did it finally, right?
02:14:13.000 Oh, God.
02:14:15.000 How many people was it?
02:14:16.000 4,000.
02:14:17.000 Do you remember?
02:14:18.000 I don't remember.
02:14:19.000 What is her name again?
02:14:20.000 Let's find out.
02:14:20.000 Jaden James.
02:14:21.000 J-A-Y. The normal spelling of Jaden.
02:14:26.000 J-A-Y-D-E-N. Point stars love Y. And they like the word Jaden.
02:14:30.000 They love the letter Y. It makes them feel like a little girl again.
02:14:34.000 Let's see.
02:14:36.000 Which one are you looking for?
02:14:38.000 Kangbang. 0.86
02:14:39.000 Oh.
02:14:39.000 Oh, there's a bunch of dudes.
02:14:41.000 One, two, three, four.
02:14:42.000 And it's not that many.
02:14:43.000 It's like ten dudes are banging our hair.
02:14:44.000 Ten dudes? 0.99
02:14:45.000 There's a lot of dudes to be fucking at once. 1.00
02:14:46.000 A lot of dudes wouldn't do that in a year. 1.00
02:14:48.000 First of all, how dare this bitch deny you after you see this? 1.00
02:14:51.000 How dare she? 1.00
02:14:52.000 Have you seen the Dana Dearman gangbang?
02:14:56.000 That scared me a little.
02:14:57.000 Why?
02:14:57.000 Because she looked like she was almost about to black out from so much choking and cocks.
02:15:02.000 Yeah, and then afterwards she was crying and saying how amazing it was.
02:15:06.000 I just want to tell everybody that I love them.
02:15:08.000 I love you all.
02:15:09.000 It's amazing.
02:15:10.000 I can't wait for people to see this.
02:15:11.000 Wow.
02:15:11.000 She's awesome.
02:15:12.000 I hung out with her the other day.
02:15:13.000 She's so awesome.
02:15:14.000 She's funny, too, man.
02:15:15.000 She was really funny on the podcast.
02:15:17.000 We did the podcast with her, dude.
02:15:19.000 She's a funny chick. 1.00
02:15:20.000 She says funny shit. 1.00
02:15:21.000 She refuses to post on your message board anymore. 1.00
02:15:24.000 There's a lot of meanies.
02:15:26.000 There's so many people.
02:15:27.000 There's no way.
02:15:30.000 Yeah.
02:15:31.000 That's the thing.
02:15:31.000 Too many people wouldn't know the right line.
02:15:33.000 Well, you know what it is, man? 0.98
02:15:34.000 It's just that they're anonymous, and it's too easy to just fucking poke. 1.00
02:15:38.000 Too easy to be a dick. 1.00
02:15:40.000 Yeah, but even... 0.99
02:15:40.000 You know the comedy show, like, late at night, someone will have, like, a girl on stage, and she'll be like... 0.99
02:15:44.000 It'll be getting kind of weird.
02:15:46.000 And hopefully...
02:15:47.000 We're all hoping she takes her shirt off. 0.97
02:15:48.000 Like, that's the end goal.
02:15:49.000 Right, right, right.
02:15:50.000 But someone will like, so whoever's on stage, let's say Bear is on stage. 1.00
02:15:52.000 Show us your tits, whore. 1.00
02:15:53.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:15:54.000 PJ.
02:15:54.000 PJ.
02:15:55.000 And you'll be like, PJ, you're ruining it.
02:15:57.000 Would you just understand a line we've all agreed on here?
02:16:00.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:16:01.000 Show us your tits, Right off the bat! 1.00
02:16:05.000 Now she's clammed up! 1.00
02:16:07.000 Yeah, you have to trust a lot of people.
02:16:09.000 Only a few ruins it.
02:16:10.000 Well, I have who knows how many thousands of members on my message board.
02:16:13.000 It's impossible. 0.96
02:16:14.000 And too many of them are douchebags, unfortunately. 0.97
02:16:17.000 Oh, I know what to say. 0.95
02:16:17.000 And people got upset that I said there was a lot of negativity on the board. 0.95
02:16:20.000 People got angry about being negative.
02:16:23.000 Well, that I said it. 1.00
02:16:25.000 We had a conversation about how many negative people are on the board, but you're fucking negative, man. 0.99
02:16:29.000 We're not lying. 0.99
02:16:30.000 We're not lying.
02:16:31.000 You guys are tiresome.
02:16:33.000 And it's not everybody.
02:16:35.000 There's a lot of really cool, smart people there.
02:16:37.000 I mean, we've met a bunch of them in person, like the Savage Science dude. 0.94
02:16:40.000 That guy's cool as fuck. 0.67
02:16:41.000 We're talking about Johnny Rotten on Friday. 1.00
02:16:42.000 Yeah, Johnny Rotten's cool as fuck. 0.95
02:16:44.000 There's a lot of cool people. 0.98
02:16:45.000 Wick is great.
02:16:46.000 I hung out with Wick in Houston.
02:16:48.000 Dude, Wick and his mom.
02:16:49.000 I drank with Wick and his mom in Houston.
02:16:51.000 Really?
02:16:51.000 In HR. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:16:53.000 Cool fucking people, man. 0.99
02:16:55.000 That was back in the day. 1.00
02:16:55.000 And we did have negative people back in the day. 1.00
02:16:57.000 It was like one or two people that we dealt with, but now it's like so many.
02:17:02.000 It's just numbers.
02:17:03.000 The numbers are just so big.
02:17:04.000 And some of the MMA influence.
02:17:06.000 Yeah.
02:17:07.000 Yeah, that's a problem.
02:17:08.000 Those guys come in with that attitude. 0.99
02:17:09.000 So many douchebags. 0.97
02:17:10.000 And they want to get into arguments, too. 0.99
02:17:13.000 There's some guys that are just professional trolls.
02:17:15.000 That's all they do, is they just say things hoping to upset your feelings and hoping to drag you into some sort of an argument.
02:17:21.000 And then you're there. 0.96
02:17:22.000 I got in a fight with fucking Francesca Hilton the other day. 1.00
02:17:26.000 And I was so mad at letting myself... 0.99
02:17:28.000 Who's that?
02:17:29.000 She's like Zsa Zsa Gabor's granddaughter or something, her daughter.
02:17:32.000 Remember her?
02:17:33.000 She used to hang out at the store. 0.86
02:17:34.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99
02:17:35.000 She's crazy. 0.97
02:17:36.000 And then Mitzi eventually made her a paid regular for who knows why. 1.00
02:17:39.000 And so she hangs around.
02:17:41.000 Oh, wow.
02:17:42.000 Now I do remember.
02:17:43.000 She's kind of a big girl.
02:17:44.000 Yeah, big. 1.00
02:17:44.000 Just super attention whore. 1.00
02:17:46.000 Like, needs it. 1.00
02:17:47.000 Needs it.
02:17:47.000 So she was in the showroom the other day, and she was making noise.
02:17:50.000 Bear was on stage.
02:17:51.000 And he said something to me from on stage of like, oh, look, a Jew's coming or something like that.
02:17:55.000 And I was like, I have one question.
02:17:56.000 Why is she in here making noise during a show? 1.00
02:17:58.000 I don't understand why this stupid idiot is making noise and not being thrown out. 1.00
02:18:02.000 And then while I was on, she took a phone call. 1.00
02:18:05.000 She keeps moving up.
02:18:06.000 The phone rang.
02:18:07.000 She was like, sorry. 0.99
02:18:07.000 I'm like, shut the fuck off. 0.99
02:18:09.000 You fucking bitch, shut the fuck off. 1.00
02:18:11.000 How many people were in the audience? 1.00
02:18:12.000 25, 30, something like that.
02:18:14.000 It was just like, what are you doing here?
02:18:15.000 Why are you in the showroom?
02:18:16.000 And she was like, my mother is dying. 1.00
02:18:18.000 And I'm like, you're a fucking cunt. 1.00
02:18:19.000 You need to die. 1.00
02:18:20.000 And I'm like, why am I fighting with an idiot? 1.00
02:18:22.000 God damn it. 1.00
02:18:24.000 I'd leave my life so I don't have to get drawn into this shit. 1.00
02:18:26.000 Your mother's a cunt? 1.00
02:18:27.000 What'd you say? 1.00
02:18:27.000 Oh my... 1.00
02:18:29.000 What?
02:18:29.000 What'd you tell her?
02:18:30.000 No, she said her mom's dying, and I said, I hope you die. 1.00
02:18:32.000 You're a cunt. 1.00
02:18:33.000 Oh. 1.00
02:18:34.000 Whoa.
02:18:35.000 Oh, no, her mom.
02:18:35.000 I would never attack her mom.
02:18:36.000 What are you guys talking about?
02:18:39.000 I don't understand what you're saying.
02:18:41.000 It makes no sense.
02:18:43.000 You need to sit down and talk to this person.
02:18:45.000 No, I just need to never be involved with her.
02:18:47.000 You have iPhone karma, don't you?
02:18:48.000 Unresolved issues, bro.
02:18:49.000 What do you think about the fact that this person is in your life to move you in a certain direction?
02:18:53.000 I felt so bad about it.
02:18:54.000 I was like, why did I let her have any control over me?
02:18:56.000 I know.
02:18:57.000 It's a terrible thing when you let your anger get away from you.
02:19:00.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:19:00.000 Damn it. 1.00
02:19:01.000 There was a douchey security guard in Houston. 1.00
02:19:03.000 Yeah.
02:19:04.000 And this lady was like so rude. 1.00
02:19:06.000 And they tried to move me through to get me into the arena.
02:19:10.000 I had my pass on me.
02:19:11.000 And she goes, I don't care.
02:19:13.000 I don't care.
02:19:13.000 I need to find his name on the list.
02:19:15.000 I was like, wow, okay.
02:19:17.000 It's like the tone and the...
02:19:19.000 You're so pleasant to deal with.
02:19:20.000 I'm so glad we got you.
02:19:21.000 And the you have to listen to me thing.
02:19:22.000 And after everybody told them everything's cool, I show the ID, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
02:19:28.000 We got the badges on and have the names on it and all the designations.
02:19:32.000 Finally, after that, she informs me that we have to wear wristbands.
02:19:37.000 So...
02:19:38.000 And I gotta put it on you.
02:19:39.000 Can I put it on myself?
02:19:40.000 I have it in my hand.
02:19:41.000 She goes, no, you cannot do it yourself.
02:19:43.000 I will put it on you, sir.
02:19:45.000 And then the guy's like, you're disrespecting her, man.
02:19:47.000 You're disrespecting her.
02:19:48.000 I go, I'm disrespecting her by trying to put this paper.
02:19:51.000 I go, you guys are power tripping. 0.99
02:19:52.000 I go, this is ridiculous. 0.98
02:19:53.000 I go, I'm just trying to go to work.
02:19:55.000 You want me to wear the paper wristband?
02:19:57.000 I'll wear the paper wristband.
02:19:58.000 But you have to put it on me? 1.00
02:20:00.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00
02:20:01.000 That's the problem when those people get put in charge. 1.00
02:20:03.000 Exactly.
02:20:03.000 If you work at Starbucks, you shouldn't be in control of throwing somebody out.
02:20:07.000 It was so gross.
02:20:09.000 It's gross when people power trip on you. 1.00
02:20:11.000 When people just act like dicks. 0.99
02:20:13.000 It's one thing if you're following the rules. 0.99
02:20:15.000 There was another lady that we dealt with on the other side. 1.00
02:20:18.000 Show your ID. Go through the whole thing.
02:20:20.000 She was very pleasant in the way she did it.
02:20:22.000 How are y'all doing this afternoon?
02:20:23.000 I'm like, good.
02:20:24.000 How you doing?
02:20:24.000 Everything good?
02:20:25.000 Everything's good?
02:20:26.000 Let's just check up here real quick and say your name.
02:20:29.000 I should know you, shouldn't I? Alright, well here's your ID. How hard is that to do?
02:20:36.000 I got a security guard at one of the UFC's.
02:20:38.000 I think it was in Nashville.
02:20:39.000 I was sitting up in those seats near you.
02:20:42.000 No one was there.
02:20:43.000 I didn't know anybody there.
02:20:44.000 I went back to get something to eat.
02:20:46.000 When I came back, she goes, do you have a pass?
02:20:47.000 I'm like, I don't really have one at all.
02:20:48.000 She goes, I'll try to remember you. 0.99
02:20:50.000 Next time I went back there, I got her a fucking Pepsi. 1.00
02:20:53.000 Nice! 1.00
02:20:53.000 Yeah, she was like, you saw me walking with this guy. 1.00
02:20:55.000 You know I'm cool.
02:20:56.000 It's alright.
02:20:56.000 You're being a regular human being.
02:20:58.000 Good for you.
02:20:59.000 Yeah, she was totally rad.
02:21:00.000 That's the move, too.
02:21:01.000 You should get him something.
02:21:02.000 Yeah.
02:21:02.000 Give him a little treat.
02:21:03.000 You're noticeably cooler than someone else.
02:21:05.000 I'd love to help you out.
02:21:06.000 You look thirsty.
02:21:07.000 This would make me feel joy.
02:21:08.000 You make their night a little shiny.
02:21:08.000 Yeah, exactly.
02:21:09.000 You bring a little shininess to their night.
02:21:10.000 Do it to each other.
02:21:15.000 Dude, I'm taking my CD in two weeks.
02:21:17.000 Where is he?
02:21:17.000 Is he going to do it in Edmonton?
02:21:18.000 Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
02:21:20.000 Canada?
02:21:20.000 Yeah.
02:21:21.000 Gather round.
02:21:22.000 Where?
02:21:23.000 The comic strip.
02:21:23.000 And what are the exact dates?
02:21:25.000 October 26th through the 30th.
02:21:27.000 October 26th through the 30th.
02:21:30.000 Edmonton.
02:21:30.000 Let's make this happen.
02:21:31.000 Let's make this happen.
02:21:33.000 Can people buy tickets online already?
02:21:34.000 Yeah, yes, actually.
02:21:36.000 TheComicStrip.ca.
02:21:37.000 TheComicStrip.ca.
02:21:38.000 That's their version of.com.
02:21:40.000 And again, for the people slow to write this down, when is the date?
02:21:42.000 The date is October 26th through the 30th.
02:21:45.000 26th through the 30th.
02:21:46.000 And what day is you going to do the CD? I think all of them.
02:21:48.000 I'm not sure.
02:21:49.000 Definitely the weekend.
02:21:50.000 That's a good move.
02:21:50.000 You should try to put everything down.
02:21:53.000 Try to put everything you have down.
02:21:54.000 I mean, you have, over the course of the years that I've known you, you've rotated acts a few times.
02:21:59.000 So many times.
02:21:59.000 It's like, I'm just tired of it.
02:22:01.000 I'm sick of it.
02:22:01.000 Well, you know, it's funny.
02:22:02.000 We were talking about that one bit that you have, that you had a line that I said, how come you now lose that?
02:22:07.000 And you're like, actually, that was from another bit.
02:22:08.000 I was like, oh, yeah.
02:22:09.000 They're kind of the same bit.
02:22:11.000 It's just one little overlap of a line.
02:22:13.000 I'll just say, it's like, why did you come inside me?
02:22:15.000 I have a few girls and a few different stories having said that to me.
02:22:19.000 Yeah, both anally and otherwise.
02:22:21.000 So you're like, that reaction was so much better.
02:22:22.000 At the time.
02:22:24.000 You know what I've been doing, though?
02:22:25.000 I've been recording a lot of my stuff and listening to it in mind, like, can I see this stuff?
02:22:30.000 And I'm like, can't do that bit, can't do that bit, can't do that line, that's okay.
02:22:34.000 You can do it anyway.
02:22:35.000 You're wrong.
02:22:36.000 You can do it.
02:22:36.000 Some of it, when it's a full act out, when I'm like, there's a minute and a half here.
02:22:40.000 Well, you just explain it after you do it for the poor fucks that have this on CD. What I just did was reach down and grab my dick. 1.00
02:22:47.000 I actually wrote a letter to Dane and he was really cool about it. 0.98
02:22:50.000 He was like, you do a lot of physical CDs.
02:22:53.000 He's a physical comic who's got a lot of audio CDs.
02:22:56.000 He goes, after my first CD, I had to go back and say, no more act-outs.
02:23:01.000 I can't see any of this on stage.
02:23:03.000 He said, no more Godzilla act-out.
02:23:05.000 I'm assuming that's something for a five minute long thing where it's like, man, this makes no sense in CD form.
02:23:11.000 That's interesting.
02:23:13.000 He said it would always justify what he was doing with his words to help illustrate it.
02:23:19.000 That's smart.
02:23:20.000 But some people just love a plain physical comedy. 0.93
02:23:24.000 And even though you don't understand what the fuck is going on when you're listening to the CD, sometimes it's okay. 0.93
02:23:30.000 Yeah, but here's my thoughts on it. 0.97
02:23:31.000 Like, there's some words, because Steve Simone said this.
02:23:33.000 He goes, when I remember when I was listening to CDs, there were some things I couldn't see.
02:23:35.000 I know he made a funny face there.
02:23:36.000 Right.
02:23:37.000 But he'd be like, I love this, and I so wish I could also see it live so I could be there.
02:23:41.000 But they didn't lose anything out of it. 0.99
02:23:42.000 Like, damn it. 0.99
02:23:43.000 I know it's a cool, funny face. 0.99
02:23:44.000 Yeah, there's nothing quite like...
02:23:47.000 Yeah, being live at a stand-up show, even if there's 40 people in the room, it's still better than any CD or special.
02:23:52.000 And I think that, yeah, and I think that really if you're going to record a CD, if you're going to record a special, the real way to do it is 200 people.
02:24:00.000 That's not what anybody ever wants to hear.
02:24:02.000 Everybody wants to do these big, giant...
02:24:04.000 I think that's what this place is, around that.
02:24:06.000 200 people?
02:24:07.000 Yeah, the comic show.
02:24:07.000 It's perfect.
02:24:08.000 First CD I ever did was the Laugh Stop in Houston.
02:24:11.000 How big was that?
02:24:11.000 Old Laugh Stop.
02:24:12.000 250 maybe?
02:24:13.000 250. I think we got 300 people in there one day.
02:24:15.000 But it goes off.
02:24:16.000 Stuffed folding chairs everywhere.
02:24:18.000 They go off.
02:24:18.000 Yeah, man.
02:24:18.000 On a different level than an auditorium.
02:24:21.000 Yeah, I mean, I just did the Verizon Wireless Theater in Houston. 0.95
02:24:26.000 It was fucking awesome. 0.91
02:24:27.000 And it's huge. 0.98
02:24:27.000 That place is gigantic. 0.98
02:24:29.000 But I hadn't been in Houston forever, so there was a lot of energy there.
02:24:33.000 For me, it was like a big...
02:24:35.000 That's an important city for me.
02:24:37.000 Yes.
02:24:37.000 You get stuck in your head.
02:24:39.000 Like, I've got to make a show for these people.
02:24:41.000 I'm like, why?
02:24:41.000 I don't know.
02:24:42.000 There's something in me.
02:24:43.000 Do you think you're going to go back to a comedy club there soon?
02:24:45.000 Yeah, I might.
02:24:46.000 I might go back to that comedy club. 0.99
02:24:47.000 When I put my special out, after I'm done with this special, I'm going to have to write some new shit. 0.96
02:24:52.000 I'll spend a lot more time doing clubs and a lot less time doing theaters. 0.99
02:24:56.000 Because in clubs, it's way easier to come up with new shit. 0.94
02:24:59.000 It's a more experimental environment when there's like 200 to 300 people. 0.99
02:25:03.000 The acoustics at a place like that must be creepy.
02:25:06.000 What place?
02:25:06.000 A giant place?
02:25:07.000 A big giant place?
02:25:08.000 Sort of.
02:25:10.000 It's all about the sound system.
02:25:12.000 It's so weird how if a crowd is up against the wall, if it goes all the way to the outside walls, laughter bounces.
02:25:18.000 I'm making this part up, but it seems like it bounces harder and everyone laughs more.
02:25:21.000 But when there's space in between the wall or the ceiling, then it doesn't go off as much because you're not surrounded by this laughter.
02:25:27.000 Yeah, like, the perfect example is the right and the wrong way to do it.
02:25:31.000 It's Cobbs.
02:25:32.000 Cobbs in San Francisco. 0.99
02:25:34.000 Cobbs, the old Cobbs, was 150 fucking seats. 0.98
02:25:37.000 I was going to say, I'm not that into that room. 0.99
02:25:38.000 That room's okay, but it's like, meh.
02:25:40.000 The old room.
02:25:41.000 The old room, yeah. 0.97
02:25:42.000 It was ridiculous.
02:25:42.000 You only played once on a Wednesday.
02:25:43.000 Did you really?
02:25:44.000 Yeah, just on, like, best of San Francisco night.
02:25:46.000 It was a great room.
02:25:47.000 It was a great room.
02:25:48.000 It was real small, and it was one of the few rooms that I would do for cheap, because I knew that I would go up there and have a real good time, and I knew this would be a good place. 0.98
02:25:55.000 It's a good place to fuck around, work on my material. 0.96
02:25:59.000 Give me a shitty wage, but make it a good show. 0.99
02:26:02.000 Yeah, but they went from that to a giant place. 0.86
02:26:04.000 Now their place is like $4.50 with a big high ceiling and a balcony.
02:26:08.000 Too high and the balcony goes back.
02:26:09.000 The balcony is too far back.
02:26:10.000 Yeah, so you're really far away.
02:26:12.000 But it's so cool that it doesn't even matter.
02:26:14.000 It's still really great.
02:26:15.000 The crowds are great.
02:26:15.000 The crowds are fantastic.
02:26:16.000 The build of it is not perfect.
02:26:18.000 So there's two places to me that are super important.
02:26:20.000 Three places.
02:26:21.000 Boston, because I started there.
02:26:23.000 San Francisco and Houston.
02:26:24.000 Those are the two places.
02:26:26.000 Houston did my first CD. That pink thing on the wall back there, the Warner Brothers one.
02:26:31.000 I got a deal with Warner Brothers.
02:26:33.000 They were going to really push this.
02:26:35.000 It was a really good deal.
02:26:36.000 And then Disney bought them.
02:26:39.000 Some Disney.
02:26:40.000 Oh, really?
02:26:40.000 Pretty sure Disney bought them.
02:26:41.000 Yeah, it was Disney.
02:26:42.000 And then what?
02:26:43.000 They didn't promote my CD at all.
02:26:48.000 They listened to it. 0.99
02:26:49.000 I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00
02:26:50.000 The opening bit is two guys fucking each other in the basement while they're working out. 1.00
02:26:54.000 Oh, yeah, I remember that. 0.97
02:26:55.000 Getting pumped.
02:26:55.000 I remember that.
02:26:57.000 They heard that.
02:26:58.000 I wanted that to be the first track.
02:27:01.000 I wanted it to be something that I could only do.
02:27:03.000 They said, do you think about doing a song?
02:27:06.000 I said, yeah, I'll do a song.
02:27:07.000 And they said, what do you think about doing a sketch?
02:27:09.000 And I said, okay, I'll come up with a sketch. 0.96
02:27:10.000 So I decided I want to come up with something that's so fucked up, you can't have it anywhere else. 0.98
02:27:15.000 Anywhere else but that. 0.99
02:27:15.000 It has to be. 0.99
02:27:17.000 Will you ever re-release that?
02:27:19.000 I think you can still buy it.
02:27:20.000 It's really hard, and it's always the CD that's not on the iTunes, or it's not on any digital.
02:27:27.000 I don't believe that one is.
02:27:30.000 I think I've tried to find it a couple times in Spotify and all that kind of stuff.
02:27:35.000 I think there's some good material on it.
02:27:37.000 You're a better comic now, but you were still really a comic, though.
02:27:41.000 People will get joy out of that.
02:27:42.000 Yeah, it's good stuff.
02:27:43.000 I mean, I was really proud of it when it came out.
02:27:45.000 And I was really proud that I did it in Houston.
02:27:49.000 Because Houston was...
02:27:50.000 My number one favorite comedians are Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks.
02:27:54.000 Those are my two favorite guys.
02:27:55.000 And they're both from Houston.
02:27:57.000 So for me, you know, being able to sell out in Houston, pack this place, I was like, wow, this is like...
02:28:04.000 Man, I love Kinison.
02:28:05.000 He was the best.
02:28:06.000 He was my favorite.
02:28:07.000 I think out of all...
02:28:08.000 Let me see if...
02:28:09.000 The stuff he does makes me just like, go like, wow.
02:28:13.000 Getting away with this is so good.
02:28:15.000 Out of all the great guys, I feel like he just had this completely different approach.
02:28:20.000 I remember watching him, the first time I watched him, going, oh, that's comedy, too.
02:28:24.000 Yeah.
02:28:25.000 Oh.
02:28:26.000 You know, they're opening up a new club in San Diego, too.
02:28:28.000 Really?
02:28:28.000 Justin Hollister.
02:28:29.000 Yeah.
02:28:30.000 Yeah, my CD's not in here, man.
02:28:32.000 Yeah, there's been a couple times where I've wanted to...
02:28:34.000 Isn't that the one with the song on it?
02:28:36.000 Your awesome song?
02:28:37.000 Yeah, Voodoo Panani. 0.98
02:28:39.000 Like, I've wanted to play that for people, and I'm like, oh, I'll find it on iTunes. 0.99
02:28:42.000 Shit. 0.98
02:28:42.000 Oh, wait, I'll find it on this. 0.98
02:28:43.000 And it's not on anything.
02:28:45.000 Well, I'll have them put it on.
02:28:46.000 I'll figure out a way to put it on.
02:28:47.000 I'm sure Warner Brothers probably owns it.
02:28:49.000 That's what it is.
02:28:50.000 But it's not as good as, like I said, my delivery's not nearly as good as it is now.
02:28:54.000 It's funny, comedy's weird at that.
02:28:56.000 Yeah, comedy's weird like that, though.
02:28:58.000 I liked having something when I was, you know, 27 years old.
02:29:00.000 Well, the same thing as musicians.
02:29:01.000 You ever hear old albums of a band before they sign with a major album, and you're like, eh, I see where you were going, but you're not there yet.
02:29:09.000 But it's still like, I want to have it.
02:29:10.000 And that, to me, that CD represents a sort of an awakening that I had with stand-up comedy, too, because I was doing news radio.
02:29:20.000 And when I was doing news radio, there was a long time where I got fucking really lazy, man, and I wasn't writing any new material.
02:29:25.000 Oh yeah, you talked about that once. 0.78
02:29:27.000 I was just being lazy. 0.99
02:29:29.000 I was just doing the TV show, and when I was doing the TV show, I'd get tired from doing it, and then I would fuck off, and I wouldn't write any new shit. 0.99
02:29:39.000 So you just do the same stuff? 0.98
02:29:40.000 Yeah, my act got really stale, and then some writers from the show came to see me, and I bombed.
02:29:45.000 Oh really?
02:29:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:29:46.000 With old stuff?