The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #151 - Josh McDermitt

00:00:00.000 Damn, I'm stoned. 1.00

00:00:02.000 Yeah, you think? 1.00

00:00:03.000 Boom, on both ends? 1.00

00:00:05.000 Shazam, bitches. 1.00

00:00:06.000 We're broadcasting. 1.00

00:00:07.000 We're live.

00:00:07.000 We're reaching out.

00:00:08.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:12.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:00:20.000 Both Brian and I have used it, and by the end of this show, Josh McDermott will have a complimentary Fleshlight that he will be taking home with himself.

00:00:28.000 Sure, they have zombie fleshlights now. 0.90

00:00:30.000 Like ones that are all fucked up and broken looking. 0.98

00:00:33.000 Thank God. 0.97

00:00:33.000 It's awesome. 0.97

00:00:34.000 Also, we're brought to you by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, the makers of AlphaBrain.

00:00:40.000 And AlphaBrain is a nootropic supplement.

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00:00:59.000 Alright, cue the music so we make it official.

00:01:00.000 Rogan Experience.

00:01:01.000 Josh McDermott's in the house, freaks!

00:01:07.000 Did you do something different to that music?

00:01:09.000 Does it have like an extra echo in there? 1.00

00:01:10.000 Are you sampling your own shit? 1.00

00:01:12.000 I'm just fucking around with the mixer. 1.00

00:01:14.000 Oh, is that what you did? 0.99

00:01:15.000 Did you go DJ on us right there?

00:01:17.000 We're all here right now. 1.00

00:01:18.000 Did you go straight Russell Peters on a bitch? 1.00

00:01:21.000 Fuck Tesla, or whatever his name is. 1.00

00:01:23.000 You took a class once at a community college? 1.00

00:01:25.000 You're trying to put that to good use?

00:01:27.000 Who was the guy that he ate?

00:01:28.000 Tesla?

00:01:29.000 The guy who was the huge guy.

00:01:30.000 Tessie.

00:01:31.000 No, what is that guy's name?

00:01:33.000 Tiesto.

00:01:34.000 Tiesto.

00:01:34.000 Yeah, Tiesto.

00:01:35.000 I was trying to explain him to Mrs. Rogan the other day.

00:01:37.000 We were driving down the highway, and there was this big billboard for this Tiesto guy.

00:01:40.000 Oh really?

00:01:41.000 There's a billboard?

00:01:42.000 Oh dude, I don't think you and I have any idea how big that guy is.

00:01:46.000 I've looked online and watched his concerts where it's like him on a stage and he's got like a bunch of laptops and a bunch of musical equipment and he's like pumping his fist and there's a huge audience of people that are like dancing along to him.

00:01:59.000 And I don't know how many big DJs there are like that.

00:02:02.000 We'd have to get Russell Peters back on to explain to us the whole world of DJing.

00:02:06.000 Because Russell doesn't like the guy because he says that what he's basically doing is sort of like Is your friend a girl or a guy?

00:02:33.000 A girl.

00:02:34.000 A girl.

00:02:34.000 But I like that same kind of music, that kind of chillax music.

00:02:37.000 I like it.

00:02:38.000 Yeah, what he's doing is interesting.

00:02:42.000 I understand what Russell's saying.

00:02:44.000 It's sort of like a guy going on stage in a sketch group on stage saying he's a stand-up comic.

00:02:50.000 And you're like, you're not a stand-up comic.

00:02:52.000 It's still good.

00:02:53.000 I mean, come on, man.

00:02:54.000 You can't deny some sketch shows like In Living Color or some Saturday Night Live sketches. 0.98

00:02:58.000 They're fucking brilliant. 0.93

00:02:59.000 It's fun to watch. 1.00

00:03:00.000 A lot of them suck. 0.99

00:03:01.000 I'm not a fan of sketch comedy because there's too much mist to the hit. 1.00

00:03:06.000 It's like for every really good sketch you get on Saturday Night Live, you have to endure some bullshit. 0.99

00:03:11.000 I can't do it, man. 0.97

00:03:13.000 But Russell's saying this dude just pretty much presses play.

00:03:16.000 Like gets all the music together beforehand or whatever.

00:03:18.000 Yeah, he programs it all. 0.99

00:03:20.000 But he's making it pretty badass of all these fucking... 0.95

00:03:23.000 I mean, I'm not a fan of it. 0.98

00:03:24.000 I never got into it.

00:03:25.000 Maybe I could get into it if I really sat down and listened to it. 0.99

00:03:28.000 But damn, he's got these fucking huge arenas filled with people jumping up and down. 0.99

00:03:32.000 Whatever drug they're on or not. 1.00

00:03:34.000 If it's an ecstasy situation.

00:03:37.000 Molly.

00:03:37.000 Yeah, whatever.

00:03:38.000 Or maybe not.

00:03:39.000 Maybe it's just they're having a good time.

00:03:41.000 I don't know. 0.94

00:03:42.000 But whatever it is, for them, it's fucking awesome.

00:03:44.000 You can tell that that music for them is awesome. 0.97

00:03:46.000 It might not click for you or me, but you can't say it sucks, you know? 0.77

00:03:51.000 And Russell just says he sucks sort of because he's not really a DJ. Like, Russell's a DJ. Like, Russell. 0.97

00:03:57.000 Remember when Russell was over and he picked up this fucking beat, like a secondary beat in the back of a song? 0.97

00:04:03.000 Like, he said, no, they're also sampling Salt-N-Pepa right here. 0.98

00:04:07.000 And we were like, what?

00:04:08.000 Like, play that back again.

00:04:09.000 We had to play it like three or four times. 0.99

00:04:11.000 And still, we were like uneducated morons trying to test wine with a sommelier. 0.99

00:04:17.000 And I was like, what? 0.99

00:04:18.000 Well, I would...

00:04:19.000 See, I don't even consider Tashi or Tesla or whatever the guy's...

00:04:22.000 Tiesto.

00:04:23.000 Tiesto.

00:04:23.000 I don't even consider him a DJ. A music creator.

00:04:27.000 Yeah, electronic music.

00:04:28.000 Yeah, electronic producer.

00:04:29.000 That's a good...

00:04:30.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:04:31.000 I know a few DJs, but I've never heard of this guy.

00:04:33.000 And you said you've seen a billboard?

00:04:34.000 Oh, he's huge.

00:04:35.000 He's like Dane Cook of...

00:04:37.000 DJs, I guess.

00:04:38.000 Yeah, but wait, even bigger than Dane was when Dane was in his prime.

00:04:41.000 This guy is, Tiesto's nationwide, or worldwide rather.

00:04:44.000 He's huge all over Europe.

00:04:46.000 He's huge. 0.99

00:04:47.000 This guy does like 50,000 seat arenas where people are out there like pumping their fists and he's fucking playing records. 1.00

00:04:53.000 I mean, there's one thing if the music's good, but I mean, there's like an art to being a DJ about mixing the stuff right there when you're on stage being in that moment, but if you're just sitting there pushing play, fuck that. 0.99

00:05:03.000 Well, I think a lot of people are looking for cool shit to do when you're fucked up on drugs. 0.99

00:05:08.000 I just need a place to go sweat. 0.99

00:05:14.000 It's like a laser show.

00:05:15.000 Yeah, dude.

00:05:16.000 If you're on ecstasy and you go to one of his shows, first of all, you're going to be sure there's going to be a lot of other people on ecstasy too.

00:05:21.000 I mean, it's electronic music and everyone's dancing and everyone's drinking.

00:05:26.000 Come on.

00:05:26.000 There's going to be ecstasy everywhere.

00:05:27.000 So if that's the case, you know, this guy's really providing this fucking cool symbiotic service with people that are tripping on ecstasy.

00:05:35.000 He creates the full experience. 0.54

00:05:37.000 You know that he's going to draw them all in.

00:05:40.000 They're all going to come to him because they know what he does. 0.99

00:05:42.000 So you're going to have your like-minded people there that you're going to want to meet up at the Tiesto concert, and then everybody just fucking dances, and he puts on a show, and you're blitzed out of your fucking head, and you know it's going to last for four hours. 0.98

00:05:55.000 Perfect! 0.97

00:05:55.000 So he's like the Dane Cook of DJs where he's mixing songs and to just really get that extra punch he just does a leg kick or something. 0.97

00:06:02.000 I think he does.

00:06:03.000 He goes home at the end of every show and emails.

00:06:05.000 I've seen he does that.

00:06:06.000 He goes home and emails everybody who came to his show.

00:06:10.000 There's a new sample.

00:06:12.000 Yeah, Dane would really do that.

00:06:15.000 Yeah, he's a machine.

00:06:16.000 Dane is a fiend as far as emailing people.

00:06:19.000 I poke fun, but the guy did it the way he did it, and it worked.

00:06:25.000 Yeah, no one else has ever become famous from the internet the way Dane Cook did it.

00:06:29.000 It was really, truly spectacular, what he did. 0.98

00:06:33.000 Like his comedy or not, what he did as far as marketing himself was fucking genius. 0.99

00:06:37.000 Sure. 0.97

00:06:38.000 And Dane had some good bits over the years.

00:06:41.000 I like Dane.

00:06:42.000 He's not a bad dude.

00:06:44.000 He lost his way a little bit there in the great tide of wanting to be famous and wanting to be a big comedian.

00:06:53.000 But I think he's paid for it.

00:06:55.000 I think he's paid for it a lot.

00:06:56.000 His latest album, his blues stuff, I guess.

00:06:59.000 What's it called?

00:07:00.000 Where he was raw on stage and it was just filmed one take.

00:07:03.000 I think it was called An Intimate Evening or something like that.

00:07:05.000 Was that Bon Jovi?

00:07:07.000 The whole episode was filmed one take. 1.00

00:07:09.000 I love that shit. 1.00

00:07:11.000 Yeah, that was great. 1.00

00:07:12.000 It was good.

00:07:13.000 It was good stuff.

00:07:14.000 And that was sort of like a retribution thing for him.

00:07:17.000 He hasn't done stand-up in a long time.

00:07:18.000 I ran into him at the Warriors premiere.

00:07:20.000 Let me just name drop real quick.

00:07:24.000 You know, I've been to like four. 0.99

00:07:31.000 20 fucking years I've lived out here. 0.82

00:07:33.000 But my friend was in, Brian Callen, who was here yesterday, was in Warrior, and so I met him there. 0.98

00:07:38.000 That came out?

00:07:40.000 Warriors?

00:07:40.000 Yeah.

00:07:41.000 Was it good?

00:07:42.000 Yeah, it was pretty good.

00:07:43.000 But anyway, Dane said when I met him there that he hadn't done stand-up in six months.

00:07:46.000 Good grief.

00:07:47.000 Yeah.

00:07:48.000 I saw him when he was working on that blue stuff.

00:07:51.000 Was that what his album was about?

00:07:52.000 Yeah.

00:07:52.000 All that kind of raw stuff.

00:07:54.000 Yeah.

00:07:54.000 I didn't like it.

00:07:55.000 You didn't?

00:07:55.000 Really?

00:07:55.000 Yeah.

00:07:56.000 I mean, he's one of those guys that I think I heard his stand-up first back when he was on top of the world.

00:08:01.000 And I was like, nah, I don't really know.

00:08:03.000 And then I saw him live and I was like, oh, I get it.

00:08:06.000 I see why people love this.

00:08:07.000 And then I went back and heard the bits and it was great.

00:08:10.000 But having never heard him or seen him live, I don't know how people can understand his jokes because he's so freaking physical.

00:08:17.000 Yeah, some of it is hard.

00:08:19.000 But some of the earlier stuff wasn't nearly as physical.

00:08:22.000 There was some stuff.

00:08:23.000 I've heard his stuff on Sirius Satellite Radio and it translates.

00:08:26.000 Yeah.

00:08:27.000 Yeah, okay.

00:08:28.000 It's just different bits. 0.99

00:08:30.000 For a while he was getting super crazy physical with shit, but he's also doing 15,000 fucking scene arenas. 0.99

00:08:36.000 Yeah, you gotta get big. 0.99

00:08:37.000 You gotta get big.

00:08:38.000 But this was at an improv where there were like 150 people.

00:08:42.000 He was preparing for it.

00:08:44.000 He does those theaters in the round too, which is interesting.

00:08:46.000 I've only done that a couple of times.

00:08:48.000 We're like the stage spins.

00:08:50.000 Yeah, I did in Phoenix.

00:08:52.000 Celebrity theater.

00:08:53.000 Yeah, I've done it twice in Phoenix.

00:08:55.000 In Phoenix, it's interesting because that celebrity theater is this big circle. 0.99

00:09:00.000 And that's where Cat Williams got in trouble with that dude where the guy was like, fuck America. 1.00

00:09:06.000 And he was like, fuck America! 1.00

00:09:07.000 America, sir! 1.00

00:09:08.000 Remember that?

00:09:09.000 That whole thing? 0.99

00:09:10.000 And everybody was mad at him for telling this Mexican guy how great America was and shitting on him while he was heckling. 0.97

00:09:15.000 He leaves stories when he goes to cities. 0.94

00:09:17.000 We were just in Ontario doing comedy, and one guy's like, oh, he pulled a gun on him, and the other guy's like, oh, no, that's not true. 0.99

00:09:24.000 What the fuck are you saying? 0.98

00:09:24.000 Yeah, we had a cross-reference. 0.98

00:09:26.000 We had to bring people in together.

00:09:28.000 Clark, who's the guy who runs the place, I go, did Cat Williams put a gun on you? 0.99

00:09:31.000 And he's like, no, we didn't pull I want to hear the stories I haven't heard yet from Dayton, Ohio, where he fucking ate a guy's ass out or something. 0.99

00:09:51.000 What? 0.99

00:09:52.000 With Brian Callen.

00:09:53.000 Are you just making stuff up now? 1.00

00:09:54.000 No, you're just making stuff up, you silly fuck. 1.00

00:09:56.000 No, but there has to be stories that just never made it to TMZ. I was in the weed store once and Cat Williams' assistant came in and she announced herself. 1.00

00:10:05.000 I'm Cat Williams' assistant.

00:10:06.000 I'm Cat Williams' assistant.

00:10:08.000 I'm here to pick up his weed.

00:10:09.000 She was getting weed for Cat Williams! 1.00

00:10:11.000 Welcome to America!

00:10:13.000 Welcome to California where your assistant can go to a weed shop and just announce hello. 1.00

00:10:19.000 Now when you go in there, you announce yourself.

00:10:21.000 Make sure you get your proper respect.

00:10:24.000 Get your propers, girl. 0.99

00:10:26.000 So yeah, it was interesting.

00:10:28.000 But anyway, that's Theater in the Round.

00:10:30.000 That's a smaller place, the one where Kat was at.

00:10:33.000 I've been at that place.

00:10:34.000 It's like 2,500 seats. 0.99

00:10:35.000 Dane's doing that shit where it's like 18,000 people in a circle. 0.99

00:10:39.000 Yeah, it's insane. 0.99

00:10:40.000 Like, what is that?

00:10:41.000 That's so bizarre. 1.00

00:10:42.000 People eat that shit up, but it's like... 1.00

00:10:44.000 Really? 1.00

00:10:45.000 It's so cult of personality.

00:10:47.000 What people didn't like about it, what a lot of comics were upset about, the true reason, is that he had somehow or another tapped into this boy band thing.

00:10:56.000 So he hit this boy band energy.

00:10:59.000 With comedy.

00:11:00.000 Like this big boy band energy like no one had ever done before. 0.99

00:11:03.000 Like Backstreet Boys shit. 1.00

00:11:05.000 Where girls would go and fucking scream to meet Dane Cook. 1.00

00:11:09.000 And he hit that somehow or another. 0.99

00:11:10.000 He tuned into that frequency for a little while. 0.98

00:11:12.000 And I don't know how the fuck he did it. 0.98

00:11:14.000 He just was the perfect energy and the perfect planning. 0.96

00:11:19.000 I mean, you gotta give the guy his props for figuring that all out.

00:11:22.000 But that's what bothered comedians.

00:11:24.000 They knew that there was this boy band thing going on.

00:11:26.000 It was almost gimmicky, but without it being gimmicky.

00:11:29.000 But he did it all himself.

00:11:31.000 It's not like Dick Clark Productions put together some comedian and taught him how to dress and then foisted him onto the American public, like what happens with a lot of music acts.

00:11:40.000 They construct them.

00:11:43.000 It's funny how it's so open in the music community.

00:11:46.000 Our friend Eddie Bravo has had a whole bunch of looks throughout his music career, whether it's long hair.

00:11:53.000 It's funny how people in the music industry, it's like, this is our band, and we only wear leather when we take pictures.

00:12:01.000 It's like the idea of projecting an image.

00:12:05.000 Yeah.

00:12:05.000 You know, it's very much just accepted.

00:12:07.000 It's funny how a lot of them overuse the same looks.

00:12:11.000 They all use the same photographers to make, like, album covers.

00:12:13.000 Like, a lot of them are all similar.

00:12:15.000 So, like, I was looking at some, like, just unknown bands recently.

00:12:18.000 And I was looking at their promo shots, like, their head shots.

00:12:21.000 And they're all, like, sitting in, like, windowsills, like, outside of factories, like, looking off at each other backwards.

00:12:27.000 And there's always, like, the one singer that's looking down at his shoes.

00:12:30.000 Yeah, he's on the railroad tracks. 0.99

00:12:32.000 How many fucking people who are supposed to be moody have taken pictures by the railroad tracks? 0.99

00:12:36.000 Right. 0.99

00:12:37.000 You know, like, Jesus Christ, we get it.

00:12:39.000 Yeah.

00:12:40.000 You're just going to get on that train right out of nowhere, aren't you?

00:12:43.000 You're just going to disappear on us. 1.00

00:12:44.000 You're such a crazy rebel. 1.00

00:12:45.000 At any moment, you're going to light a cigarette, take a puff, and hop on the train. 1.00

00:12:49.000 You're nuts, man. 1.00

00:12:52.000 Yeah, those album covers, dude, you could put a whole blog site together of just every asshole who's ever done that. 1.00

00:12:57.000 One looking away and all that. 0.98

00:12:59.000 All sitting in windowsills.

00:13:01.000 And guess what?

00:13:01.000 The dude who's kneeling in the front, he does not want to be kneeling.

00:13:05.000 He wants to be standing up just like the singer.

00:13:06.000 But the singer says, I'm going to think I should be the only one who stands up since I'm the only one who talks.

00:13:10.000 Yeah, you're the tambourine player, man.

00:13:12.000 So the tambourine player's got to take this gangster slouch.

00:13:17.000 People aren't going to take me seriously in this band unless I get down. 0.99

00:13:19.000 And if you're a tambourine player, you have to have thumb rings and shit. 0.96

00:13:22.000 You have to work rings on your thumb. 0.99

00:13:24.000 You have to be extra cool.

00:13:26.000 Like those banjo players that have a little pick on every finger.

00:13:29.000 You ever see that?

00:13:30.000 That's what they do with their banjos. 0.74

00:13:31.000 They have claws. 0.92

00:13:35.000 They have talons.

00:13:36.000 They have those weird ones that connect to their fingertips.

00:13:40.000 They almost look like metal kitty cat claws. 0.90

00:13:43.000 And they all have that piercing from the belly button that goes down to their nipples and stuff. 0.89

00:13:47.000 For a lot of musicians, it really is.

00:13:50.000 Like trying to get you to notice them.

00:13:52.000 There's like four other guys on stage sweating it out. 1.00

00:13:56.000 I'm just standing here with this fucking bass. 0.99

00:13:58.000 I need something shiny. 0.99

00:13:59.000 Yeah, I need something shiny.

00:14:02.000 Kiss figured it out the best. 0.99

00:14:04.000 Just have a whole fucking character show. 1.00

00:14:07.000 Have a show, you know? 1.00

00:14:08.000 Everyone's wearing makeup.

00:14:09.000 You're blowing fire into the crowd.

00:14:10.000 Yeah, it's the same makeup, too.

00:14:12.000 It's not like a mixture.

00:14:14.000 I mean, pretty much, it's just black and white.

00:14:16.000 And I can't tell the difference of who they are with their makeup on.

00:14:20.000 I've been to a lot of concerts in my life.

00:14:22.000 The greatest concert I've ever been to, ever, was a KISS concert.

00:14:25.000 I've been to a bunch of KISS concerts.

00:14:27.000 Because my uncle used to work for KISS in the early 70s.

00:14:31.000 So I was, yeah, I was a little kid. 0.94

00:14:33.000 I was like, fuck, I was like maybe six years old the first time I met Ace Frehley. 0.78

00:14:38.000 Was this like your first concert or just the best concert and it just happened to be when you were five or six years old? 0.98

00:14:45.000 Those, and then I saw them again with Kevin James.

00:14:47.000 Kevin James is a big Kiss freak, too, and he and I went to see them two nights in a row in the 90s when they made that comeback tour.

00:14:53.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:53.000 It was before neither one of us, you know, I think maybe I'd just gotten on news radio and Kevin, you know, nobody knew who Kevin was yet, and we went to see Kiss.

00:15:02.000 Two nights in a fucking row we went to see it. 0.83

00:15:04.000 That's great. 0.99

00:15:05.000 It was awesome.

00:15:05.000 That's good.

00:15:05.000 It's fun to see a band, like, consecutively like that.

00:15:08.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:15:09.000 They came back, too.

00:15:10.000 This was the real kiss.

00:15:11.000 It was like Peter, Chris, and Ace Freely were with them, which had never happened for years.

00:15:17.000 The band had broken up, and there was this Vinnie Vincent guy, and a bunch of other guys that came in.

00:15:22.000 But essentially, the only two guys that were constant were Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.

00:15:27.000 And this was the big tour of having them back again.

00:15:29.000 It was just so fun.

00:15:31.000 It's like, it's so much, there's so much involved.

00:15:34.000 There's like nostalgia, because these songs are like, you know, they're singing songs from, you know, Detroit Rock City. 0.90

00:15:40.000 They're singing songs from like 40 fucking years ago or whatever it was. 0.90

00:15:43.000 You know, at that time, 30 years ago. 0.98

00:15:45.000 And they're still, they're not fat yet.

00:15:48.000 They're still wearing makeup and they're dancing around.

00:15:50.000 Like, they look like they're still, they're characters.

00:15:52.000 It works. 0.99

00:15:53.000 You know, they really still can put on a fucking good show. 0.98

00:15:55.000 So there's so, it was so much involved. 0.99

00:15:58.000 Sad how they all died in that plane crash.

00:16:01.000 What?

00:16:02.000 Gene Simmons is getting married. 1.00

00:16:03.000 Have you seen that shit? 1.00

00:16:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:05.000 How long was he with his wife?

00:16:08.000 28 years or something crazy.

00:16:09.000 Lindsay Lillian is going to be in Playboy for a million dollars. 1.00

00:16:14.000 Who pays for this? 0.99

00:16:17.000 It should be just like, dude, someone needs to set him aside and be like, look, no one cares about that at all.

00:16:23.000 I don't think you're right, though.

00:16:24.000 I think this is sort of the model that he's based his entire career on.

00:16:27.000 It's like, do something sensational.

00:16:29.000 A broken woman, though? 0.99

00:16:30.000 Who wants to see a broken woman? 1.00

00:16:31.000 Everybody wants to see a broken woman's asshole. 1.00

00:16:33.000 Yeah, if she's naked, we'll look at her. 1.00

00:16:35.000 Yeah, if I can just see her asshole, just the hint of it. 1.00

00:16:38.000 In the distance, but mostly concentrating on the vagina. 1.00

00:16:40.000 Even if the vagina lips are closed, which I accept with Playboy. 1.00

00:16:44.000 You have to accept. 0.94

00:16:45.000 You have to accept they won't get all gynecological.

00:16:47.000 Right.

00:16:48.000 I would take Britney. 1.00

00:16:49.000 Britney's asshole. 1.00

00:16:50.000 Britney Spears? 1.00

00:16:51.000 Yeah, over Lindsay Lohan. 0.99

00:16:52.000 I would like to see Lindsay Lohan photographed drunk.

00:16:55.000 That's what I want to see.

00:16:56.000 I want to see real drunk.

00:16:57.000 Not fake drunk.

00:16:59.000 Real drunk.

00:17:00.000 Oh, when she goes nude? 0.99

00:17:01.000 Yeah.

00:17:01.000 No, I'd be really interested in those photos.

00:17:04.000 I'd be really interested.

00:17:05.000 If you could get photos of her in her element, obviously, look, I have nothing against Lindsay Lohan.

00:17:11.000 She seems like a girl who's just looking to have fun.

00:17:13.000 She seems like a girl who, yeah, maybe she's partying a little bit, but you know what?

00:17:18.000 Guess what? 0.98

00:17:19.000 It probably wasn't too fucking easy growing up on the Mickey Mouse Club and being in a fucking limelight when you were a child and all your developmental years. 0.99

00:17:25.000 And with your parents. 0.99

00:17:26.000 Yeah, people are taking fucking photos of you all the time. 1.00

00:17:28.000 Your dad's fucking nuts. 1.00

00:17:30.000 To me, she looks like a girl who's just having a good time. 1.00

00:17:32.000 If she's going to take pictures naked, it should be while she's having a good time. 0.99

00:17:36.000 With the ankle bracelet on.

00:17:37.000 She should get high.

00:17:38.000 She should get high. 0.95

00:17:39.000 She should do a bump. 1.00

00:17:40.000 Drink a couple of shots, you know, and then show me your pussy. 1.00

00:17:44.000 Let's see what's up. 1.00

00:17:45.000 Those should be the pictures, the Lindsay Lohan pictures that we get. 1.00

00:17:48.000 I don't want to see that airbrush cropped out bullshit where she's pretending to get on a fucking polo pony, you know, and her ass just happens to be hanging out of her pants. 1.00

00:17:57.000 Yeah, but this is, I mean, obviously a total PR move, so people who are kind of managing the PR of this won't ever let that happen, and that's disappointing. 0.99

00:18:05.000 Yeah.

00:18:05.000 Those dummies, they don't know what they're doing.

00:18:07.000 They're doing it the wrong way. 0.99

00:18:08.000 What they should do is embrace it.

00:18:11.000 You should embrace what you are.

00:18:13.000 That's what brought you to the dance.

00:18:14.000 Lindsay Lohan, there's nothing wrong with that girl. 0.98

00:18:16.000 She's a freak. 1.00

00:18:17.000 She's a freak. 1.00

00:18:17.000 She's not hurting anybody. 1.00

00:18:18.000 She's not out there clawing people's fucking eyes out. 1.00

00:18:20.000 She's just getting fucked up. 1.00

00:18:22.000 She's got millions of dollars. 1.00

00:18:23.000 She's 24 years old.

00:18:24.000 What do you want her to do? 0.98

00:18:25.000 What do you want her to do? 0.98

00:18:25.000 You want her to take yoga classes? 0.98

00:18:27.000 What do you want her to do? 0.98

00:18:28.000 Not everybody's gonna be fucking Mother Teresa. 0.98

00:18:31.000 This girl ain't bad. 1.00

00:18:32.000 She's just out there probably sucking some dicks, getting coked up, getting fingered in the bathroom. 1.00

00:18:37.000 She's fucking... 1.00

00:18:38.000 She's putting it together. 1.00

00:18:39.000 She's putting together an exciting little life.

00:18:41.000 Enjoying her 20s.

00:18:42.000 Did you ever see when I asked her if she wanted to fart in the Kitty Fart Cup when I asked her?

00:18:47.000 No.

00:18:48.000 You asked her?

00:18:49.000 Yeah, take us out.

00:18:49.000 You actually...

00:18:50.000 You harassed her?

00:18:51.000 Take us out. 1.00

00:18:51.000 What a piece of shit you are, bro. 1.00

00:18:53.000 No, no. 1.00

00:18:53.000 Poor girl. 1.00

00:18:54.000 It's pretty awesome.

00:18:55.000 You're gonna like this.

00:18:56.000 Alright.

00:18:57.000 If it works.

00:19:00.000 And...

00:19:01.000 Brian.

00:19:03.000 Here we go.

00:19:07.000 Straight over there.

00:19:10.000 Hey, Lindsey. 1.00

00:19:11.000 Lindsey.

00:19:11.000 Oh my god.

00:19:12.000 Lindsey, have you ever farted in a cup and put it in a cat's face just to see its reaction?

00:19:16.000 Hey, Lindsey. 1.00

00:19:17.000 You're disgusting. 1.00

00:19:18.000 Stop it. 1.00

00:19:18.000 What about... 1.00

00:19:20.000 What about a puppy?

00:19:22.000 Oh...

00:19:25.000 That's not really true. 1.00

00:19:26.000 You added all that shit in after the fact. 0.99

00:19:28.000 No, I did not. 1.00

00:19:29.000 Yes, you did.

00:19:29.000 You told me about this.

00:19:30.000 You're crazy. 1.00

00:19:31.000 You're playing me back something. 1.00

00:19:32.000 You already told me how you did. 0.99

00:19:34.000 You knucklehead. 0.99

00:19:35.000 You just ruined a joke for everybody. 0.99

00:19:37.000 You ruined a joke for everybody.

00:19:38.000 You tried to pull it over my eyes.

00:19:39.000 It made me watch that gag you did. 1.00

00:19:41.000 From four fucking years ago that wasn't even real. 0.99

00:19:44.000 It's real. 0.97

00:19:44.000 Let me tell you what he did, ladies and gentlemen. 0.97

00:19:46.000 He added his audio into the previous audio of Lindsay Lohan. 1.00

00:19:50.000 This is a fucking fraud. 1.00

00:19:51.000 You're perpetrating on the American people. 1.00

00:19:52.000 What a cock blocker. 1.00

00:19:53.000 It's fine and it's funny, but you already did the bit. 0.92

00:19:57.000 No, I've never did it on the podcast.

00:19:59.000 No, but you did it to Joe.

00:20:01.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:20:02.000 I was doing it to America.

00:20:03.000 I knew. 0.77

00:20:04.000 Disrespectful, man. 1.00

00:20:05.000 Yeah, you fucking tried to trick me, man. 1.00

00:20:07.000 The good thing is that people think that's real. 0.99

00:20:08.000 The good thing is they don't now.

00:20:11.000 The really good thing is they don't know.

00:20:13.000 Until you ruined it.

00:20:14.000 I ruined it.

00:20:15.000 I wanted to know what Lindsay Lohan thinks about that video.

00:20:18.000 I think that would be hilarious to see yourself going, did somebody ask me that? 1.00

00:20:22.000 It's a stupid question. 1.00

00:20:23.000 She probably thought it was a stupid question. 1.00

00:20:25.000 It's got 7,000 views. 1.00

00:20:26.000 There's a chance she's seen it.

00:20:30.000 Yeah, man.

00:20:30.000 It's practically everybody.

00:20:34.000 That's how YouTube's going to make you a partner. 0.98

00:20:36.000 There's some fucking videos online where you look at it and you go, whoa, how many? 0.99

00:20:40.000 I finally started watching Zeitgeist. 0.99

00:20:43.000 There's a new Zeitgeist film that everybody tells you you have to watch.

00:20:46.000 So I finally started watching it.

00:20:47.000 I looked down at the views.

00:20:48.000 11 million views.

00:20:51.000 And when was it uploaded?

00:20:52.000 Do you know how fast that came?

00:20:53.000 That's a good question.

00:20:54.000 Because that stuff, I mean, there's like a formula, almost. 0.88

00:20:59.000 I got a couple buddies who are like YouTube partners, and they just, I mean, it's ridiculous. 0.99

00:21:03.000 Once people start subscribing to you, they'll just watch anything, and they just throw up shit. 0.99

00:21:07.000 It doesn't matter, just because they need to put more content out there, and that part of it suffers, which sucks. 0.95

00:21:13.000 Dude, it was only uploaded in January of 2011. So I guess it's been around for, what is that, six months?

00:21:20.000 February, March?

00:21:20.000 Yeah, but when did you watch this?

00:21:21.000 A couple months ago?

00:21:22.000 The secret is Black Woman on Toilet equals 38 million hits. 1.00

00:21:28.000 Black Woman on Toilet equals 38 million hits? 1.00

00:21:31.000 No.

00:21:32.000 Was that the woman who's smacking her lips and singing? 1.00

00:21:36.000 Black Woman on Toilet. 1.00

00:21:37.000 Crazy, de-siggy type black woman. 1.00

00:21:40.000 Sitting on the toilet. 1.00

00:21:41.000 Yeah.

00:21:42.000 Sitting on the toilet.

00:21:48.000 And this woman looks like Aunt Jemima. 0.97

00:21:50.000 She's got a... 1.00

00:21:51.000 Sittin' on the toilet!

00:21:53.000 She's got a bandana on her head.

00:21:55.000 Sittin' on the toilet! 0.75

00:22:00.000 Sit on the toilet.

00:22:00.000 And she's...

00:22:02.000 Sit on the toilet.

00:22:03.000 Wow.

00:22:04.000 I think she really is sitting on the toilet, too, which is cool.

00:22:06.000 Well, yeah.

00:22:07.000 Sit on the toilet.

00:22:08.000 It's not funny.

00:22:11.000 Sittin' on the toilet!

00:22:15.000 Sittin' on the toilet What about wiping? 1.00

00:22:20.000 What about wiping, you dirty bitch? 1.00

00:22:22.000 I had a buddy who sent me that, and I watched about 10 seconds of it when this chick's like trying too hard to be viral, and I'm pissed that she became viral. 1.00

00:22:30.000 Yeah.

00:22:31.000 Really viral.

00:22:32.000 38 million people, man.

00:22:33.000 If she would have sped up her voice like times two, that would have made 80 million hits. 1.00

00:22:38.000 Could you imagine that that's all you have to do is sit and talk to it!

00:22:44.000 That's what you do.

00:22:45.000 And if you were an alien and you were from another planet and you were evaluating Earth and whether or not the Earthlings should be allowed to move forward, you would look at things like this and you would go, wow, wait a minute. 0.99

00:22:54.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:22:55.000 They probably wasted all their resources. 1.00

00:22:57.000 Let's move on.

00:22:58.000 I might get one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills chicks to come on this podcast. 1.00

00:23:02.000 Which one?

00:23:04.000 Mrs. Rogan is friends with one of them.

00:23:06.000 I can't say until she says yes.

00:23:08.000 But that would be fascinating, too.

00:23:10.000 Because there's another perfect example.

00:23:11.000 I need to start watching it.

00:23:12.000 Is that a good show, Joe? 1.00

00:23:13.000 It's fucking... 1.00

00:23:14.000 It's uncomfortable. 1.00

00:23:16.000 It is uncomfortable.

00:23:17.000 It's awkward.

00:23:18.000 They get very uncomfortable.

00:23:19.000 Yeah, and they...

00:23:21.000 It's real gross, man.

00:23:23.000 The level of behavior, especially the Beverly Hills one, is... 0.77

00:23:27.000 Real gross. 1.00

00:23:28.000 They're just disgusting human beings. 1.00

00:23:30.000 These women are foul. 1.00

00:23:32.000 I haven't seen this new season. 0.87

00:23:34.000 Have you been watching it this season? 0.99

00:23:36.000 I just watched one episode, the one that Mrs. Rogan's friend's in, and they are so fucking cunty. 1.00

00:23:42.000 These women are ugly and doing drugs. 1.00

00:23:46.000 This girl keeps running to the bathroom and doing drugs. 1.00

00:23:49.000 And she's coming out and they're mean to this pretty girl. 0.93

00:23:52.000 And they're mean to this pretty girl for no reason. 0.93

00:23:54.000 I mean, she doesn't do a damn thing. 1.00

00:23:56.000 And they think it's hilarious that they're being mean to her.

00:23:58.000 You know why?

00:23:59.000 Because...

00:24:00.000 When you're a woman, and if you're an unattractive woman, and another woman is really attractive, all of a sudden it's like she stole something from you. 0.96

00:24:08.000 It's like she has this magical power just to some fucking roll of the dice, and so they feel like it's okay to be cunty to them. 0.78

00:24:16.000 Because the woman actually makes them feel like we're already at a deficit before the conversation even starts. 0.98

00:24:21.000 They feel uncomfortable.

00:24:22.000 So they don't feel bad about turning that uncomfortable feeling on the girl for no reason at all.

00:24:28.000 Just for the girl being pretty.

00:24:30.000 And it's crazy to watch, man.

00:24:32.000 It's crazy to watch these really low-level human beings.

00:24:35.000 Yeah.

00:24:36.000 Like low-level thinking.

00:24:37.000 It's catty.

00:24:37.000 Yeah, it's catty.

00:24:38.000 But it's worse than catty. 0.97

00:24:39.000 It's just disgusting. 0.99

00:24:40.000 All they're worried about is who's fucking who, and whose bag is who wearing, and where'd you get your shoes, and ugh. 1.00

00:24:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:24:46.000 And they're monsters, man. 1.00

00:24:48.000 They're just retard monsters. 1.00

00:24:50.000 I watched all of last season, and I don't know why, but I... Did you feel like, did you see the guy committing suicide coming? 0.98

00:24:57.000 Did you see that coming?

00:24:58.000 No, but he was a little weird. 0.99

00:25:00.000 He was just kind of off, and the way his wife would describe him, she was saying like, oh, he's a manly man, and he's like a cowboy, and he's just muscular and all this shit. 0.93

00:25:09.000 He just looks like a dude who sits in a cubicle. 0.88

00:25:11.000 I mean, I know he didn't, but he looks like he's never been in the gym in his life. 0.99

00:25:14.000 But, you know, it wasn't like a fat tub of shit, but he was just all right. 0.99

00:25:18.000 And I was just like, this woman has blinders on, you know? 1.00

00:25:21.000 Yeah, well, I think some people, you know, they sit down and they go, well, how are you going to talk about me?

00:25:25.000 Well, I'm going to say that, you know, you're the most beautiful woman on earth and, you know, the love of my life.

00:25:30.000 How are you going to talk about me?

00:25:31.000 Well, I'm going to say that you're a manly man.

00:25:33.000 Until people meet you and they're like, what? 0.99

00:25:34.000 And you're like a cowboy and you pull bulls down by their balls. 0.98

00:25:39.000 That wasn't even a plot point in one of the episodes. 1.00

00:25:41.000 They were like, wait, she described him as this manly cowboy and he's just like a balding piece of shit. 1.00

00:25:47.000 Yeah, you know what? 1.00

00:25:48.000 The producers were probably smacking their lips when that came out. 1.00

00:25:51.000 Oh, yeah.

00:25:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:25:52.000 That's a good way to describe him.

00:25:53.000 Good way to describe him.

00:25:55.000 I like the way you think.

00:25:57.000 We've met this guy.

00:25:58.000 Make sure this gets to the editing room fast.

00:26:00.000 And if there's any words that slur, just make her do it again. 1.00

00:26:03.000 Just do it again.

00:26:04.000 Oh, she had major, major Botox, dude. 1.00

00:26:07.000 I don't think it's a Botox.

00:26:09.000 I think it's actually an implant, unfortunately.

00:26:11.000 Oh, really?

00:26:11.000 Well, she was constantly going in and getting more plastic surgery done, like little touch-ups and stuff.

00:26:15.000 So sad. 0.99

00:26:16.000 And she just looks ridiculous. 1.00

00:26:18.000 Yeah, they start fucking with her face, man. 1.00

00:26:21.000 And it's way better to look old than to look crazy. 1.00

00:26:23.000 Yeah.

00:26:23.000 And women don't want to accept that, but I know women...

00:26:26.000 They need to stop. 0.98

00:26:27.000 I know women that have become monsters. 1.00

00:26:29.000 I mean, literally become monsters. 0.98

00:26:31.000 I've seen them become monsters.

00:26:32.000 I've seen them change from this very nice older woman, you know, is just accepting the fact that she's entering her 40s or 50s or whatever, and this is just life, the cycle of life for all of us.

00:26:44.000 There's other things to concentrate on other than that, and instead they just...

00:26:48.000 Whack their face out, man.

00:26:50.000 I mean, whack it out with like fillers so their cheeks stick out and then they get their noses changed and their eyes pulled back. 0.96

00:27:00.000 The duck lips. 0.98

00:27:00.000 Whoa, the duck lips freak you the fuck out. 0.98

00:27:03.000 They're like, what are you doing? 0.95

00:27:04.000 What is this? 1.00

00:27:05.000 It's almost like people thought that because you were allowed to have duck lip tits, those those fucking stupid tits were not only like they were encouraged like like Nobody went, you know, you ridiculous bitch. 1.00

00:27:20.000 But if you go duck lips on the lips, then we go get out of here. 1.00

00:27:23.000 You can't go super balloons. 0.88

00:27:25.000 You can go super balloons on the tits, but you can't go super balloons on the lips. 1.00

00:27:29.000 People drew a line there. 0.89

00:27:30.000 They're like, this is creepy. 0.99

00:27:31.000 To tits I can go with. 0.99

00:27:33.000 It's past the point of being funny, and it's just sad and ridiculous. 0.99

00:27:36.000 But it's more disturbing. 0.99

00:27:39.000 For whatever reason, fake breasts don't bother me nearly as much as fake lips. 1.00

00:27:42.000 Fake breasts seem like, yeah, I see what you did there, and you wanted the bigger ones. 1.00

00:27:46.000 Okay, cool, that's cool. 0.86

00:27:47.000 But fake lips are like, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1.00

00:27:49.000 That's your fucking mouth, man. 1.00

00:27:51.000 You're jabbing some shit into where you kiss and eat to change the shape of it. 1.00

00:27:58.000 Do you look at the before and afters? 1.00

00:28:00.000 Does anybody look better with that shit? 1.00

00:28:01.000 Especially the eyebrows when they start fucking with the eyebrows too. 1.00

00:28:04.000 Like people that shave too much also. 0.97

00:28:06.000 And then there's people that give those tattoos.

00:28:08.000 At least your eyebrows grow back.

00:28:10.000 That doesn't bother me.

00:28:10.000 No, but the tattoos.

00:28:11.000 Have you seen the tattoos?

00:28:12.000 Where they tattoo the eyebrows in?

00:28:15.000 I would rather not have... 0.97

00:28:16.000 They do permanent makeup too with a tattoo like eye shadow on and shit like that. 0.98

00:28:20.000 I don't like... 0.99

00:28:21.000 That shit's weird too. 0.99

00:28:22.000 That's like a phase. 1.00

00:28:23.000 Tattooed clown person. 0.84

00:28:25.000 Yeah. 0.91

00:28:25.000 That's a commitment, man. 0.91

00:28:27.000 Who's got bits about tattooing your face?

00:28:29.000 Doesn't one of our friends have a bit about tattooing your face?

00:28:33.000 Is it Tebe?

00:28:34.000 Does Tebe have a bit about tattoos on his face?

00:28:37.000 Oh, Tom Segura.

00:28:38.000 Segura has bits about guys with tattoos on their face.

00:28:41.000 One of the guys on our board. 1.00

00:28:43.000 It's a stupid fucking picture, but it makes me laugh every time I see it. 1.00

00:28:46.000 This guy, Anon, on the message board. 1.00

00:28:48.000 He has this photo of a dude who had tattooed on his lip, Pussy Eater. 0.99

00:28:54.000 Oh, I hate it. 0.99

00:28:55.000 And it's a mugshot of this guy.

00:28:57.000 I hate that.

00:28:57.000 A mugshot of this guy.

00:28:59.000 And he's got Pussy Eater tattooed on his lip. 0.98

00:29:02.000 Can you imagine being not caring that much? 0.99

00:29:06.000 I could.

00:29:07.000 Oh, he cares, man.

00:29:08.000 That's why he did it.

00:29:09.000 This guy does not care.

00:29:12.000 That's abuse, bro.

00:29:13.000 Somebody abused that kid, for sure.

00:29:15.000 Yeah, that's a kid that grew up in a terrible environment.

00:29:19.000 That's what that is.

00:29:20.000 I got a buddy who's got those name tags that say, like, Hi, my name is Tom, or whatever.

00:29:25.000 His tattoo on his chest?

00:29:26.000 He tattooed that on his chest when he was drunk in Mexico.

00:29:29.000 And so it was that, and it says, Hi, my name is Dildotron.

00:29:33.000 Yeah.

00:29:34.000 Here's the best part.

00:29:36.000 The Mexican dude giving him the tattoo misspelled dildotron, so it just says dillotron.

00:29:41.000 No!

00:29:42.000 He had to go back and get it fixed.

00:29:44.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:29:47.000 That's so beautiful.

00:29:48.000 That's so beautiful. 0.99

00:29:50.000 That's ridiculous, man. 0.98

00:29:51.000 That's so much better that way. 0.99

00:29:52.000 That's so much better.

00:29:53.000 There's some hilarious misspelled tattoos online. 0.99

00:29:56.000 If you want to just laugh your fucking ass off, just go and look at some of this shit that people have misspelled on tattoos. 0.99

00:30:02.000 It's like, my God. 1.00

00:30:04.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:30:05.000 Do you just not care at all? 1.00

00:30:08.000 Do you not double check?

00:30:09.000 Like, I'm pretty sure it's how it's spelled.

00:30:11.000 But let me check real quick.

00:30:12.000 That's why you just try not to get any writing.

00:30:14.000 You can't F up a design.

00:30:17.000 You could always say, oh, well, no, that octopus is supposed to have nine tentacles.

00:30:21.000 Well, especially if you do Tibetan language.

00:30:24.000 I have a friend who has this big Tibetan piece across his stomach. 1.00

00:30:26.000 Like, come on, son, you can't read Tibetan. 0.99

00:30:28.000 You don't know what the fuck that says. 0.99

00:30:30.000 Right, right, right. 0.99

00:30:31.000 Who knows what that really says? 1.00

00:30:32.000 That can say some ridiculous shit. 0.99

00:30:34.000 Like, what does yours say? 1.00

00:30:35.000 You had a tattoo.

00:30:36.000 You thought it said Brian.

00:30:37.000 Yeah, I thought it was the letter R, and I found out it meant flowing water or waterfalls.

00:30:43.000 And he blames that for his frequent crying fits.

00:30:47.000 And that tattoo under my lip right here, I thought it said, you know, my last name, and it says Cumbucket.

00:30:53.000 Are you doing bits?

00:30:54.000 That was a bit.

00:30:55.000 That was a bit.

00:30:57.000 He felt like he was setting us up there.

00:30:59.000 That's twice today.

00:31:00.000 Twice.

00:31:01.000 Twice.

00:31:01.000 Twice today, Brian.

00:31:02.000 You try to sneak something in. 1.00

00:31:04.000 There's a porn star that has the word cum bucket. 1.00

00:31:07.000 That's what I was thinking about. 1.00

00:31:08.000 She had a Twitter the other day and she was looking at her lips and it said cum bucket. 0.99

00:31:12.000 Poor girl. 1.00

00:31:12.000 That's disgusting. 1.00

00:31:13.000 That's sad. 1.00

00:31:15.000 I guess some girls just say, alright, you want to play slut? 1.00

00:31:18.000 Alright, I'm going to play super slut. 1.00

00:31:20.000 Right. 0.99

00:31:20.000 And they just take it like... 0.99

00:31:21.000 You know, out slut each other. 1.00

00:31:22.000 Yeah, like when you watch those gangbang scenes, you watch a gangbang scene and like, you know, they get together and they go, alright, how many do you want to do? 0.76

00:31:28.000 Alright, we're going to do 300 today.

00:31:29.000 And they'll do a 300 man gangbang. 0.99

00:31:31.000 And then another girl will go, that bitch, she did 300? 1.00

00:31:34.000 Oh, fuck her. 1.00

00:31:34.000 I'm going to do 150 more. 1.00

00:31:36.000 And so she'll do fucking $450 and then some crazy bitch does $600. 1.00

00:31:39.000 But that's what they do. 1.00

00:31:40.000 They just out-slut each other. 1.00

00:31:42.000 Instead, since they can't be pure and loved and they can't be accepted for who they are, instead they just go deep, deep into the slut barrel. 1.00

00:31:49.000 You know Brad Williams? 0.99

00:31:51.000 Yeah.

00:31:51.000 The kid?

00:31:52.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:31:52.000 The little guy.

00:31:54.000 He was telling me that he had been fucking this porn star for a while. 1.00

00:32:01.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:32:02.000 And this is going on for two years or something.

00:32:05.000 And then she comes to him and says, listen, we've got to stop.

00:32:08.000 And this and that.

00:32:08.000 I'm getting out of the business.

00:32:09.000 And he's like, oh, is that just what you do?

00:32:12.000 When you stop, you just don't want to do it?

00:32:14.000 And she goes, well, I want to be faithful to my husband.

00:32:17.000 This whole time you've been having this two-year affair with this porn star, I didn't even know. 0.72

00:32:22.000 Maybe I shouldn't have said his name. 0.98

00:32:26.000 Whoopsies.

00:32:26.000 Shitski.

00:32:28.000 But these chicks just, you know, it goes back into, you know, I'm going to fuck 150 more guys. 1.00

00:32:35.000 I'm going to go fuck dwarfs or whatever, you know? 1.00

00:32:38.000 Well, you know, I mean, I'm a shitty armchair psychologist, you know, and when I break down porn stars and like, well, why does a person do this? 1.00

00:32:47.000 Why does a person do that? 0.93

00:32:49.000 Sure.

00:32:49.000 There's different reasons.

00:32:50.000 Yeah, there's a lot of different reasons.

00:32:51.000 And some of them are really nice.

00:32:53.000 Dana D'Armond, she's really nice.

00:32:55.000 Jenna Jameson's really nice.

00:32:57.000 They're really nice people.

00:32:58.000 But I can't help but, especially since I have daughters of my own, whenever I see something like that, there's this weird part of me that has to do the math. 1.00

00:33:10.000 I can't just watch a girl with a dick in her mouth and one in her asshole and one in her vagina. 1.00

00:33:15.000 I can't go, wow, that must be crazy. 1.00

00:33:18.000 This bitch is just letting go. 1.00

00:33:20.000 It's wild. 1.00

00:33:21.000 I have to do the math.

00:33:23.000 My head has to go back to puberty.

00:33:26.000 It has to go back to childhood. 1.00

00:33:26.000 It has to go, what the fuck happened to you? 1.00

00:33:29.000 You're expressing yourself this way with your body. 1.00

00:33:31.000 Or you just really like fucking sex. 1.00

00:33:33.000 Like a lot. 1.00

00:33:34.000 It feels so good and you just gave up and you're like, you know what? 1.00

00:33:37.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:33:37.000 I like the fuck. 1.00

00:33:38.000 It is possible. 1.00

00:33:40.000 All varieties of behavior are possible, I guess.

00:33:44.000 Dana supposedly, friends with her family.

00:33:47.000 Nothing's ever happened to her.

00:33:48.000 She's just a good example. 0.65

00:33:52.000 She's a very strange girl.

00:33:54.000 She did a gangbang scene and afterwards she was so happy about it that she was crying. 0.99

00:33:59.000 It was an awesome video.

00:34:00.000 Just the trailer alone.

00:34:01.000 Totally legit.

00:34:03.000 Totally legit.

00:34:04.000 She was crying because she accomplished...

00:34:06.000 Yeah, it was an awesome scene.

00:34:07.000 I just want to let everyone know that I love them.

00:34:10.000 I love them all.

00:34:11.000 And it's like, whoa. 0.99

00:34:12.000 For everybody else, you're watching and you go, wow, what the fuck? 0.99

00:34:15.000 But she's nice. 0.99

00:34:16.000 She's a nice person.

00:34:17.000 Did it bring a tear to your eye because you know her?

00:34:19.000 No, not quite.

00:34:20.000 Happy for it?

00:34:21.000 It's one of those Arsenio Hall things that make you go, hmm...

00:34:28.000 Things that make you go.

00:34:29.000 You remember that was a song for a while?

00:34:31.000 Things that make you go.

00:34:32.000 C&C Music Factory?

00:34:33.000 Is that who it was?

00:34:33.000 Yeah.

00:34:34.000 I wonder if they took that from Arsenio Hall.

00:34:36.000 I think it was.

00:34:37.000 I think it was the whole...

00:34:38.000 They ripped him off?

00:34:39.000 It was either or.

00:34:40.000 The other backwards.

00:34:41.000 It could have just been like a...

00:34:43.000 It was at that same time period.

00:34:44.000 A cultural thing.

00:34:45.000 Just like a phrase that people...

00:34:47.000 Black people said or whatever in that time.

00:34:50.000 Arsenio Hall should have never fell off like that. 0.61

00:34:52.000 I would have loved to see that guy continue his talk show ways like Jay Leno's done, like everybody else has done.

00:34:58.000 I liked the Arsenio Hall show.

00:35:00.000 It was fun.

00:35:00.000 Me too.

00:35:01.000 Yeah, it was great. 0.99

00:35:01.000 He's a nice fucking guy. 0.99

00:35:02.000 And his E.T. finger. 1.00

00:35:03.000 He lives in, well, I don't want to say where he lives, but I've run into him a bunch of times.

00:35:07.000 He's always super friendly.

00:35:09.000 I keep hearing he's trying to make a comeback or something, and then I never hear anything about it.

00:35:13.000 Anytime I hear his name, it's always trying to get things in order because he's going to do a comeback and then you just don't hear anything.

00:35:18.000 Well, he was doing stand-up for a while.

00:35:20.000 He came to the comedy store a bunch of times.

00:35:22.000 Do you remember?

00:35:22.000 He came to a comedy store.

00:35:23.000 Yeah.

00:35:24.000 Well, we saw him at the Comedy Magic Club.

00:35:25.000 We hung out with him in the green room.

00:35:27.000 Yeah.

00:35:29.000 Really?

00:35:30.000 Yeah, it was like maybe two years ago, three years ago.

00:35:32.000 Really?

00:35:33.000 Yeah.

00:35:34.000 He's a great guy.

00:35:35.000 Either way.

00:35:36.000 He's...

00:35:38.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:35:38.000 How the fuck do we get onto him? 0.99

00:35:40.000 Oh, things make you go home. 0.99

00:35:42.000 It's called dead air, folks. 1.00

00:35:44.000 Smell that shit. 1.00

00:35:45.000 Do you remember how they used to portray Arsenio Holder on Saturday Night Live with that really long finger? 1.00

00:35:49.000 Like he had this creepy long finger.

00:35:51.000 I don't remember that.

00:35:52.000 I remember that.

00:35:53.000 Was that Saturday Night Live?

00:35:54.000 Yeah, I think it was Saturday Night Live.

00:35:56.000 That's hilarious.

00:35:56.000 No, it was in Living Color.

00:35:57.000 Did you hear about this high school drug bust that they pulled today?

00:36:02.000 Oh, I saw you tweeted that, but I didn't get a chance to look at it. 1.00

00:36:06.000 Fucking ridiculous. 1.00

00:36:07.000 One of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard in my life. 1.00

00:36:09.000 They told these kids, and it's in Connecticut, in Walcott, Connecticut? 0.96

00:36:15.000 Did this happen today?

00:36:16.000 No, I'm sorry.

00:36:17.000 They were reporting it today.

00:36:18.000 It happened last week.

00:36:19.000 So they say over the loudspeaker that an intruder has entered the building.

00:36:24.000 They think it's a shooter.

00:36:26.000 They imply that they think that there's some armed person who has entered the building, that everyone needs to get into a corner and huddle up. 0.99

00:36:34.000 And then they go through the fucking high school with drug-sniffing dogs looking for pot. 1.00

00:36:40.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

00:36:41.000 So they scared these fucking kids into thinking that there was a shooter in their building. 1.00

00:36:46.000 Now, they don't know the history of any of these people. 1.00

00:36:48.000 What if one of these kids was related to someone who got shot at Columbine or many of those other school shootings, and you're going to give some horrible trauma to some fucking kid who remembers their Uncle Mike who got shot in the fucking head? 0.99

00:36:59.000 Why would they do that then? 1.00

00:37:00.000 Because they're cunts! 1.00

00:37:02.000 Because morons run the school systems in Walcott, Connecticut. 1.00

00:37:05.000 So they send dogs through the fucking hallways. 1.00

00:37:08.000 They find no drugs, by the way. 1.00

00:37:09.000 They find nothing. 1.00

00:37:11.000 Meanwhile, these fucking kids now are going to think, oh, they're willing to lie to us for a shit reason. 1.00

00:37:17.000 They're not even going to ask us, do you have drugs, and then search the school unexpectedly. 1.00

00:37:22.000 Instead of doing that, what they're going to do is lie to us about a fucking shooter, about an armed intruder, get us terrified... 0.99

00:37:29.000 Now, how the fuck are you ever going to believe them if they come on the loudspeaker again and say, an armed intruder has entered into the school? 1.00

00:37:34.000 Yeah, fuck you. 1.00

00:37:34.000 What if it really was an armed intruder? 1.00

00:37:36.000 Goddamn, fuck you. 1.00

00:37:37.000 Yeah, you're right. 1.00

00:37:38.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:37:39.000 When I was in high school, there were like, you know, it's probably more today, but like 10 dudes you knew did pot and stuff. 1.00

00:37:46.000 And that was it.

00:37:46.000 It's like...

00:37:47.000 I'm sure most high schools are like that. 1.00

00:37:49.000 You know who the fucking potheads are. 1.00

00:37:51.000 Just corner them or something. 1.00

00:37:53.000 You don't have to lie to the entire school.

00:37:54.000 Freak everyone out.

00:37:55.000 You don't have to lie to them either. 1.00

00:37:57.000 If you want to search the fucking school, search the school. 1.00

00:37:59.000 Tell the kids to sit the fuck down and put the dogs in the hallway. 1.00

00:38:03.000 Make sure you have the dogs on the leash, you fucking savages, so no little kids get bitten. 1.00

00:38:07.000 But this is cunt behavior. 1.00

00:38:09.000 Do they talk about whose idea it was? 0.99

00:38:11.000 Like the superintendent or the principal?

00:38:12.000 I mean...

00:38:13.000 There should be multiple firings for this. 0.84

00:38:16.000 Firings?

00:38:16.000 They should go to jail.

00:38:17.000 You guys are criminals. 1.00

00:38:19.000 You're criminals and you're fucking up a kid's brain. 1.00

00:38:21.000 You're going to make kids think that cops are idiots. 1.00

00:38:24.000 You're going to make kids think that cops are willing to lie to you to find out if someone's smoking a fucking joint. 1.00

00:38:29.000 It's a high school! 1.00

00:38:31.000 Jesus fucking Christ! 1.00

00:38:33.000 How are you raising your 15, 16, and 17 year old kids? 1.00

00:38:36.000 Do you not talk to them?

00:38:37.000 Yeah.

00:38:37.000 Yeah, you do.

00:38:38.000 You fucking talk to them at that age. 1.00

00:38:39.000 They're fucking teenagers, man. 1.00

00:38:41.000 They're a lot fucking smarter than you think. 1.00

00:38:43.000 What you don't do is lie to them and see there's a fucking shooter in the building! 1.00

00:38:49.000 That's just so bad! 1.00

00:38:51.000 So stupid! 1.00

00:38:53.000 Walcott Police Department, you cunts! 1.00

00:38:57.000 You dumb, dumb, dumb cunts! 1.00

00:39:00.000 Did you fucking think this shit through at all? 1.00

00:39:03.000 It's just one of the things where it makes you just realize that there's no special qualifications to be in charge of a situation like this. 1.00

00:39:12.000 To be that guy who comes up with that shitty fucking idea and then implements it without anybody stopping him... 0.99

00:39:18.000 Right. 1.00

00:39:18.000 Damn! 1.00

00:39:19.000 How the fuck do you trust them? 1.00

00:39:21.000 You morons! 1.00

00:39:22.000 Yeah, how did not one teacher go, wait, whoa, whoa, what the fuck are we doing? 1.00

00:39:26.000 How did not one cop go, what? 0.98

00:39:27.000 Yeah.

00:39:28.000 What? 0.99

00:39:28.000 I mean, I know cops just want to keep their fucking job and keep their fucking pension, but when your boss tells you that, you got to be like, Jesus Christ, we're going to bring dogs to the fucking high school and you're going to tell them that there's a shooter? 0.99

00:39:40.000 Well, I mean, it's doubtful, but maybe the cops didn't know. 0.99

00:39:43.000 Maybe they said, you just get the kids off in one area and we'll come through with the...

00:39:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:39:47.000 There might be more to that story.

00:39:49.000 The cops had no idea what they were doing.

00:39:51.000 They were just like, what?

00:39:51.000 There's a gun?

00:39:52.000 Really?

00:39:52.000 This is the exact...

00:39:54.000 No.

00:39:54.000 A school administrator announced over the public address system that a dangerous intruder had entered the school and that all students were to remain in their classrooms away from windows...

00:40:04.000 And ideally huddled in one corner of the room.

00:40:07.000 They had the kids huddle in fear.

00:40:09.000 Huddle in one corner of the room for nothing.

00:40:12.000 For our fake drill. 1.00

00:40:14.000 Because I'm a fucking moron cop in Walcott, Connecticut. 1.00

00:40:17.000 And I think I'm smarter than people because they have to listen to me. 1.00

00:40:20.000 Because I have a badge.

00:40:22.000 And because they operate under a system of law. 1.00

00:40:24.000 These fucking cops when they get into these situations, man, they start thinking they're better than regular people. 1.00

00:40:31.000 They start thinking they can tell you what to do. 1.00

00:40:33.000 Well, we'll just tell them there's an intruder.

00:40:35.000 That's why you're the boss! 0.96

00:40:36.000 Always with the great ideas!

00:40:40.000 Chief, how do we get all these kids to huddle in the corner, terrified in fear?

00:40:45.000 We'll tell them there's an armed intruder!

00:40:48.000 Oh, that's why you get all the big tax dollars!

00:40:51.000 We're paying this guy. 1.00

00:40:52.000 We're paying this cunt to lie to our kids. 1.00

00:40:55.000 You fucking dummy. 1.00

00:40:58.000 What a disaster of a human being. 1.00

00:41:00.000 Chief, I got the day off.

00:41:01.000 You need me to come in?

00:41:02.000 Yeah, yeah, come down. 0.98

00:41:03.000 We're going to scare the shit out of some kids. 0.99

00:41:05.000 We're going to show up with dogs. 0.99

00:41:06.000 We're going to look for joints. 1.00

00:41:07.000 You fucking cunt. 1.00

00:41:09.000 You just useless cunt. 1.00

00:41:11.000 It's not like it was coke. 1.00

00:41:12.000 If it was coke, it'd be okay.

00:41:13.000 Even if it was coke, man.

00:41:15.000 Look, all of it.

00:41:16.000 Anything.

00:41:17.000 Even pot. 1.00

00:41:18.000 If there's pot going around the school, you've got to find out where the fucking pot's coming from. 0.99

00:41:22.000 14-year-olds should be a lot harder than it is to get pot. 0.99

00:41:25.000 I agree with that. 0.99

00:41:26.000 I don't think kids should be high all through fucking high school. 1.00

00:41:28.000 It could ruin you. 0.99

00:41:29.000 It could ruin your motivation.

00:41:31.000 You're not developed yet.

00:41:32.000 You're not fully a human being yet. 0.99

00:41:34.000 But there's ways to handle it that don't get kids terrified of jackboot thugs for the rest of their fucking lives and lies, the lies that the people that are in control are going to tell you no matter what. 0.99

00:41:45.000 You're always going to question. 0.99

00:41:47.000 Those kids that experience this will always question any official announcement now, forever.

00:41:52.000 Right.

00:41:53.000 It's impossible for them not to.

00:41:54.000 Right.

00:41:55.000 And they'll have this story forever.

00:41:56.000 They will laugh about this story. 1.00

00:41:58.000 They should sue the fuck out of those people. 0.99

00:42:01.000 And I know it's a down economy. 0.99

00:42:02.000 And I know that there's no money. 0.99

00:42:04.000 This is shit worth suing over. 0.99

00:42:06.000 Not the frivolous lawsuits you get all the time. 1.00

00:42:08.000 This is worth suing over.

00:42:10.000 If that was my kids, I would... 1.00

00:42:11.000 Fuck yeah, I would sue. 1.00

00:42:12.000 I would sue the fuck out of that police department. 1.00

00:42:15.000 And I love cops. 0.99

00:42:16.000 It's not the cops themselves. 0.96

00:42:18.000 I know this is the work of one dummy. 0.91

00:42:21.000 You need to find that dummy. 0.53

00:42:22.000 You need to find that dummy. 0.99

00:42:23.000 You need to move him to Siberia. 1.00

00:42:24.000 He thought he was going to win an award or something for some sort of drug task force bullshit. 0.99

00:42:29.000 Using my noodle! 0.99

00:42:31.000 Using my noggin there, Josh McDiamond!

00:42:33.000 I came up with a great idea!

00:42:35.000 School shooter!

00:42:36.000 A fake school shooter!

00:42:37.000 Everybody's scared of a fake school shooter! 1.00

00:42:40.000 This fucking idiot running around running a police department filled with grown men with guns. 1.00

00:42:45.000 And this is what he tells him to do. 1.00

00:42:47.000 What a piece of shit. 1.00

00:42:49.000 You dumb fuck. 1.00

00:42:50.000 I wish I knew your name. 1.00

00:42:51.000 They don't list the name.

00:42:52.000 How could they not list the name?

00:42:53.000 You can get better, officer.

00:42:54.000 What you need to do is do mushrooms.

00:42:56.000 What you need to do, officer, is just get alone.

00:42:59.000 In the woods is good as long as you know there's no bears.

00:43:02.000 You're not going to be freaking out while you're in the middle of your peak.

00:43:06.000 Right.

00:43:06.000 Just do some mushrooms, man.

00:43:08.000 Find yourself.

00:43:09.000 Find how bad this idea was.

00:43:10.000 And if you're scared of mushrooms, eat one of those pot brownies that you confiscate.

00:43:15.000 If you're not prepared, eat two or three pot brownies.

00:43:19.000 If you're not prepared, that's just as bad as doing mushrooms.

00:43:22.000 That'll introduce you to your flaws.

00:43:25.000 You know, they have to eat those already, right?

00:43:28.000 I'm sure.

00:43:28.000 If they do a drug bust, they're probably just going to burn all that weed or dispose of it in one way.

00:43:33.000 But if it's a hot brownie, they're going to be munching on that on the way home. 1.00

00:43:37.000 Well, and obviously you can just say it's a brownie. 0.91

00:43:39.000 It doesn't look like contraband.

00:43:41.000 What's that?

00:43:41.000 Oh, it's a brownie my wife packed with my lunch there.

00:43:43.000 Just eat this fucking brownie. 1.00

00:43:45.000 Did you ever hear that video of the cops that called 911 because they had stolen some pot brownies from this kid? 1.00

00:43:51.000 And ate them.

00:43:52.000 I guess they stole pot and then cooked them into brownies and then ate the brownies.

00:43:55.000 And I think that's the story.

00:43:57.000 Either way, the most important part was they were calling 911. They were cops!

00:44:01.000 And they're calling 911. They're like, I think we're going back in time.

00:44:04.000 I don't think I'm really...

00:44:06.000 I think I might already be dead.

00:44:08.000 They were thinking they were already dead.

00:44:11.000 They were so high that they were like, oh my god, I've passed into the great beyond that I'm just starting to realize it.

00:44:18.000 So they were calling essentially the 911 in the great beyond.

00:44:21.000 They were calling as cops.

00:44:24.000 Hilarious.

00:44:25.000 That is so funny.

00:44:26.000 Yeah.

00:44:26.000 This cop needs to party with those people.

00:44:28.000 Yeah, right? 1.00

00:44:29.000 Just get your shit together, dude. 1.00

00:44:30.000 What the fuck are you doing, man? 1.00

00:44:32.000 I'm in war right now with Wikipedia. 1.00

00:44:34.000 What?

00:44:35.000 Yeah.

00:44:35.000 It's impossible.

00:44:37.000 There's been so many people that have tried to make me a Wikipedia page, and then it gets canceled because it says I'm not important enough, which I agree.

00:44:44.000 That's fine.

00:44:45.000 But then you look who else is on there, and you're like, wait, this person's on there because they were a porn star for a month. 0.92

00:44:52.000 It's like a dictatorship over there, man. 1.00

00:44:54.000 It's so fucked up, right? 0.98

00:44:57.000 There's all this controversy about these people that kind of are like the head editors. 0.98

00:45:03.000 Everyone can edit Wikipedia, so it's all about the people.

00:45:06.000 But it's like the moderator.

00:45:08.000 Yeah, but there's these moderators that they want to put who they think is important enough to be put in there.

00:45:13.000 So you go through this, and you're like, wow.

00:45:16.000 So you want it there just for promotional purposes?

00:45:20.000 What do you want there?

00:45:21.000 I want it there because one of the things I want to do is because Siri and all these technologies are incorporating Wikipedia into it.

00:45:29.000 So yes, for search reasons and for what I do, it makes sense to be in Wikipedia.

00:45:34.000 And then the other reason is because then I look at who's in there and I'm like, that makes sense.

00:45:40.000 They have a Wikipedia.

00:45:41.000 I should have a Wikipedia.

00:45:42.000 It's just...

00:45:46.000 Does Perez Hilton have a Wikipedia?

00:45:48.000 Yeah, of course.

00:45:49.000 Well, you're sort of a mini, mini, mini Perez Hilton.

00:45:53.000 Exactly.

00:45:54.000 So I'm asking one of the moderators, or editors, or whatever, and I'm like, what do I have to do?

00:46:01.000 And they're like, well, you need to send links of your work on other websites, or other publications, or who you are, On other publications that are linked.

00:46:09.000 So I'm sending them like on Sirius XM Radio.

00:46:12.000 They talk about our podcast being broadcasted.

00:46:13.000 You know what it is?

00:46:15.000 It's probably they listen to the podcast and they don't like you.

00:46:17.000 I know.

00:46:18.000 That's what it is.

00:46:19.000 And you're like trying too hard.

00:46:21.000 And they have the power.

00:46:22.000 I know.

00:46:23.000 I got the power.

00:46:24.000 I'm thinking about being in a porn movie just to be in Wikipedia.

00:46:27.000 That's a good move.

00:46:29.000 Oh, I see what you're doing. 1.00

00:46:30.000 See, your girl wants to start branching out into male porn, and you're resisting, and you'll say, well, I'll just fuck you, and it'll kill two birds with one stone. 1.00

00:46:37.000 Sure. 1.00

00:46:37.000 It'll get me on Wikipedia, and you can do boy-girl porn and make more money. 1.00

00:46:40.000 Is that right? 0.89

00:46:40.000 That's right. 0.89

00:46:41.000 So I think it's my transition to getting to Wikipedia.

00:46:43.000 Go for it.

00:46:43.000 What's wrong with doing porn?

00:46:45.000 I won't fire you.

00:46:46.000 There's some jobs where they'll fire you if they catch you doing porn. 0.97

00:46:48.000 I'll tell you right now.

00:46:49.000 You can go do all the porn you want, and I will never fire you. 0.95

00:46:52.000 This is part of your job growth. 0.98

00:46:54.000 You're free to do porn.

00:46:56.000 You have 100% job security.

00:46:58.000 You don't have to worry.

00:46:59.000 I got a buddy who is an attorney.

00:47:01.000 He's an attorney and he moved from Phoenix to LA just to work in the office out here.

00:47:06.000 He was living with a guy who created a big TV show, but I don't want to say what it is, but everybody would know what it is.

00:47:11.000 Bonanza?

00:47:12.000 He was living with a guy who created Bonanza.

00:47:15.000 And he...

00:47:16.000 And so he's a lawyer, and then the guy he's living with is like, hey, do you want to come do a little guest spot on my show?

00:47:22.000 This is like a reporter, right?

00:47:24.000 And he just asks two questions at some little guest star thing.

00:47:28.000 And so what I put on Wikipedia, I make a Wikipedia page for him, just as like a joke, like, oh, Brandon Lombardi is an American actor, and...

00:47:36.000 But he's also a lawyer.

00:47:38.000 This thing is haunting him now.

00:47:40.000 I've tried to take that off several times.

00:47:42.000 You can't take it off?

00:47:43.000 I can't even take that off.

00:47:44.000 I'll delete it.

00:47:44.000 It'll be back within an hour.

00:47:46.000 Because he's interviewing for other jobs and stuff at different law firms. 0.99

00:47:50.000 They're like, wait, what the fuck is this? 0.99

00:47:51.000 You're an actor? 1.00

00:47:52.000 Like, what?

00:47:53.000 And he's like, no, no, no. 0.99

00:47:55.000 I mean, he's on IMDB and that sort of thing, but that's not who he is, and it's starting to fuck with him. 0.99

00:48:01.000 There are tyrants over there, dude. 0.76

00:48:03.000 Yeah, it's weird.

00:48:04.000 There's some kind of government that runs Wikipedia, and they want you to know who they want you to know, almost like the media, where it should be an open source thing, like it started off.

00:48:13.000 Very controlled.

00:48:13.000 And it's really fucking weird, because if you can say, hey, I gave him a list of links, like 50 pages.

00:48:20.000 Well, how many Twitter followers do you have now? 0.92

00:48:21.000 Like 30,000?

00:48:22.000 Yeah, but I was a guest on the Adam Carolla radio show about the Carlos Mencia video. 0.77

00:48:26.000 I have little things that I would get more important than somebody that's like, I was in a blowjob video when I was 18. The blowjob video provides a lot of people with something to beat off to. 0.79

00:48:36.000 I don't even think you should be knocking it. 1.00

00:48:37.000 Like, what's Charlie Sheen's girl, the crazy, his ex, the crazy slut? 1.00

00:48:43.000 I forget her name. 1.00

00:48:44.000 What's the one?

00:48:45.000 Brie Olsen.

00:48:46.000 You look at Brie Olsen. 0.95

00:48:47.000 She has the most beautiful fucking Wikipedia page with photos and links. 1.00

00:48:50.000 Dude, she's a superstar, though. 1.00

00:48:52.000 She's a porn superstar. 1.00

00:48:53.000 Exactly. 0.91

00:48:54.000 Don't compare yourself to Brie.

00:48:55.000 Why are you comparing yourself to her? 0.99

00:48:56.000 That's ridiculous. 0.98

00:48:56.000 No, that's what I'm saying. 0.98

00:48:57.000 You know what?

00:48:58.000 You will never be her.

00:48:59.000 You know what you are? 0.99

00:49:01.000 You're the guy who confidently says, you know, like, if you have to choose between me or fucking Brie Olsen, you'll let me live. 0.99

00:49:07.000 I know you will. 0.99

00:49:08.000 I don't even have to think about it.

00:49:10.000 And then it gets to the judgment time, and the guy's like, I'll take Brie Olsen.

00:49:13.000 What?!

00:49:14.000 The bottom falls out of the floor and he drops down.

00:49:17.000 He just doesn't understand his position in the wheel.

00:49:19.000 He just wants some legitimacy.

00:49:20.000 He just wants an affirmation.

00:49:22.000 For what I do, what I do, my videos and marketing and producing and stuff, it makes more sense to me.

00:49:29.000 That's like my not being able to be on IMDB for you, probably.

00:49:33.000 It's kind of like that.

00:49:34.000 It's kind of like a techie, nerdy producer.

00:49:37.000 I get it.

00:49:38.000 What else I get is the fact that you've had it up a couple of times and then somehow or another gets yanked back.

00:49:43.000 Yeah, it's because they always give the excuse that you're not important enough or you're not showing importance at all.

00:49:49.000 But then I send them a link of 30 different things like article reviews and stuff like that.

00:49:54.000 He listens to this podcast. 0.98

00:49:56.000 I fucking guarantee you. 0.99

00:49:58.000 He listens to these podcasts. 0.99

00:50:00.000 He's one of those guys that's... 0.99

00:50:01.000 Fucking Red Band. 1.00

00:50:03.000 Nazis. 1.00

00:50:03.000 Every time they bring this up is another six months of me not adding it. 1.00

00:50:06.000 I'm so fucking tired of Red Band's bullshit. 1.00

00:50:09.000 Nobody wants to hear about your cat's dick. 1.00

00:50:11.000 He's going to Applebee's on the weekends just bitching anyone who will hear him. 1.00

00:50:14.000 Applebee's.

00:50:15.000 Did I tell you?

00:50:15.000 I've got the craziest internet search story ever.

00:50:20.000 There was a story.

00:50:21.000 I've told this before, I think.

00:50:22.000 This is the 1990s.

00:50:25.000 Right around 2000-ish, there was a small mixed martial arts organization.

00:50:30.000 And it was when they were just starting to learn about internet searches.

00:50:34.000 And they had this guy who was fighting for them. 1.00

00:50:35.000 This guy was a fucking bitch. 1.00

00:50:37.000 Beast, dude, like 6'4", 240, built like a comic book superhero, smashing everybody, and he was like a big star in their organization. 1.00

00:50:46.000 So they were trying to assemble some press on this guy And they do a search And they find out that a gentleman with the same name Had won something called the Hungriest Butt Contest So this is pre-Google man This is like, who knows what they had for search engines back then.

00:51:10.000 So, clearly, this couldn't be our guy.

00:51:12.000 This couldn't be our gladiator.

00:51:14.000 Our warrior would not be involved in something called a...

00:51:16.000 So they click a link, and there's two dudes using him in his Chinese finger handcuffs. 0.99

00:51:21.000 One's in his ass, one's in his mouth, and they got these pictures of this guy. 0.99

00:51:25.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:51:26.000 And so then my friend has to sit down with this guy and talk to him. 0.99

00:51:30.000 And he has to say, you know, did you ever do gay porn? 1.00

00:51:35.000 So the guy fucking freaks out and starts yelling, what the fuck are you saying? 1.00

00:51:40.000 What the fuck are you saying? 0.99

00:51:41.000 And he has to literally click on the link and then step away from the computer while it loads. 0.99

00:51:46.000 And he's like, in the fucking few seconds that it took to load, I'm locked. 1.00

00:51:50.000 He goes, I'm locked in a fucking office with a gay savage. 1.00

00:51:54.000 Right, right. 1.00

00:51:55.000 This big gay gladiator who is lying to me and telling me he's not gay. 1.00

00:51:59.000 And I'm clicking this link. 0.97

00:52:00.000 And as it's click, click, click, click, click, click, it's old school internet where it takes a long time for a picture to look. 1.00

00:52:05.000 And slowly but surely, he sees the dick in his mouth. 0.99

00:52:09.000 Like slowly but surely you see men's abdomens, men's abdomens, someone's head. 1.00

00:52:14.000 Oh, it's your head.

00:52:15.000 What's in your mouth? 1.00

00:52:16.000 Oh, that's a cock. 1.00

00:52:18.000 What's in your ass? 1.00

00:52:19.000 That's a cocktail. 1.00

00:52:21.000 And you're watching this, and he's watching this.

00:52:23.000 They're watching this together.

00:52:24.000 They're watching this together.

00:52:25.000 And then the guy says, listen, man.

00:52:27.000 Listen, man.

00:52:27.000 I just needed the money.

00:52:28.000 It's not that I'm gay. 0.85

00:52:30.000 I just needed the money.

00:52:30.000 It was just a bad situation.

00:52:32.000 Turns out he did like 100 movies. 1.00

00:52:34.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

00:52:35.000 Or I don't know what movies did. 1.00

00:52:36.000 I think he did like 15 movies.

00:52:37.000 That's a lot of money, though.

00:52:38.000 I'd take the money.

00:52:39.000 15 movies?

00:52:40.000 What's a lot of money, though?

00:52:42.000 How much was he getting paid back then as compared to what you would get today, too?

00:52:46.000 Yeah.

00:52:47.000 The joke, when I talked about it in my act, the joke was, how much is a lot of money to you? 0.73

00:52:50.000 Because for a lot of money to me, as I do one movie, I live like I'm in a fucking Jay-Z video for the rest of my life.

00:52:56.000 You did 15? 0.98

00:52:57.000 You should have all the money on the planet.

00:52:58.000 There should be no money left for anybody else.

00:53:00.000 You have everything. 1.00

00:53:02.000 You did 15 movies where they let men fuck you. 1.00

00:53:05.000 You got everything and great memories. 0.99

00:53:09.000 How pissed off are you, Brian, that I have a Wikipedia page?

00:53:11.000 I already know you.

00:53:12.000 I already looked.

00:53:13.000 Oh my goodness, Brian.

00:53:14.000 I looked it up because...

00:53:16.000 Yeah, you're coming off a little jealous.

00:53:18.000 No, I looked it up actually when I was trying to get photos.

00:53:22.000 No, trying to get photos for the show we did last week.

00:53:25.000 And it came up when I did a search.

00:53:28.000 And he's in a TV show, so you should have a Wikipedia show.

00:53:32.000 But I don't know how it got made.

00:53:35.000 Well, I would imagine if they verified it that I was on that show the way that you're saying they do, I don't know why they're not...

00:53:42.000 There's got to be something else as a reason why they're not verifying you.

00:53:46.000 They don't like you, bro.

00:53:47.000 They do not like you.

00:53:48.000 I know.

00:53:48.000 I think it's because I'm German.

00:53:50.000 Josh has his own website, joshmcdermott.com.

00:53:52.000 What a handsome fella.

00:53:54.000 Hey, can I plug my Twitter? 1.00

00:53:55.000 Fuck yeah, son. 1.00

00:53:56.000 Dude, this is what I like. 1.00

00:53:57.000 Anytime you say anything about me on Twitter, I pick up like 100 followers like that.

00:54:00.000 Please follow Josh McDermott.

00:54:03.000 M-C-D-E-R-M-I-T-T. Dermitt, like a catcher's mitt. 0.99

00:54:08.000 It used to be fat piece of crap, which is easier to remember. 0.99

00:54:11.000 How can we change it? 0.98

00:54:13.000 Because people who pay me a lot of money asked me if I would change it so they could promote it.

00:54:17.000 They asked you.

00:54:17.000 Yeah, and I just kind of went, this isn't a fight I want to have.

00:54:19.000 I was like, sure, whatever. 0.96

00:54:21.000 But I still have fat piece of crap, so don't try and get it. 0.97

00:54:23.000 But this is what I'm going to do, because this is kind of a little plug, if I could. 0.98

00:54:29.000 In November, November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, and my brother-in-law died of pancreatic cancer.

00:54:36.000 And so for every follower I get, let's start it now.

00:54:40.000 Through the month of November, I'm going to donate five cents to Pancreatic Cancer Research.

00:54:44.000 And I know, I think I had like $6.82 or something when I walked in here.

00:54:48.000 So everything from now on, through November, I'll donate five cents.

00:54:52.000 Oh, sweet.

00:54:52.000 That's pretty good.

00:54:53.000 I got all the money in the world, so I don't give a shit if I get a million followers, guys. 1.00

00:54:56.000 You're crazy. 0.99

00:54:57.000 What's a million followers? 1.00

00:54:58.000 Five cents a follower?

00:54:59.000 I don't know.

00:54:59.000 Who can do the math?

00:55:00.000 Not me.

00:55:01.000 You know there's someone listening to this right now who's already done it.

00:55:04.000 Yes, yelling it out.

00:55:05.000 Yelling it out. 1.00

00:55:06.000 You guys are idiots. 1.00

00:55:06.000 You're morons. 1.00

00:55:07.000 Why are you talking? 1.00

00:55:07.000 I'm not. 1.00

00:55:09.000 Brian, we're going to get you on Wikipedia, buddy.

00:55:11.000 It's going to be okay.

00:55:12.000 We gotta do it, man.

00:55:13.000 So me and Joe were talking, we were still in the other day talking about yawning. 0.99

00:55:16.000 And like, what the fuck is yawning for? 0.89

00:55:19.000 And I was like, what if there was some kind of communication back in the old days that we're not figuring out? 0.99

00:55:23.000 And we went on this whole theory of like, what if we yawned and touched our nipples at the same time?

00:55:29.000 Like a dragon head would come out and teach us something? 0.88

00:55:32.000 That was you.

00:55:33.000 Not we. 1.00

00:55:33.000 Don't say we when you came up with that stupid idea. 1.00

00:55:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:55:36.000 So anyways, last night I was watching, what's that show where they try to break Mythbusters? 0.99

00:55:47.000 I was watching Mythbusters and they were doing a theory on eons and it was so weird that out of nowhere that I saw this.

00:55:55.000 And they would put people around in groups and then see if one person was to yawn, if it would start a yawn off where everyone would be yawning eventually.

00:56:03.000 And what's really interesting, it wasn't a high number, which I thought it was, but there was definitely shown that if you yawn in a group, that there would be more yawns per group.

00:56:13.000 Yeah, well, I don't think that that's a smart way to test that.

00:56:16.000 First of all, you know...

00:56:17.000 Well, they did a few ways.

00:56:18.000 But that's a terrible way to test it.

00:56:19.000 When you have cameras on people and you make them all sit together?

00:56:22.000 No, they don't know there's cameras.

00:56:23.000 They think that they got them off Craigslist.

00:56:25.000 Like, they had to fill out some application, like a doctor's waiting room.

00:56:27.000 Oh, they don't know there's cameras?

00:56:28.000 Yeah, they didn't know there was cameras.

00:56:31.000 They just waited for someone to yawn.

00:56:32.000 Yeah, and they just waited for one person to yawn and then see if it started to yawn up.

00:56:36.000 Oh, that's interesting.

00:56:36.000 Do people yawn?

00:56:40.000 What if nobody yawned?

00:56:41.000 Yeah, they had problems with that, so they did other studies where they...

00:56:45.000 They gassed the room.

00:56:48.000 No, you signed the release.

00:56:51.000 Where they put them in each individual rooms and did studies on them.

00:56:55.000 It was just kind of weird because while watching that, I couldn't stop yawning.

00:57:00.000 Yeah, even mentioning yawning, I'll start yawning.

00:57:05.000 Right.

00:57:05.000 Even if you're talking about it.

00:57:06.000 Well, that makes sense that they studied it that way. 1.00

00:57:09.000 I was so stupid. 0.99

00:57:09.000 I thought they just got everybody. 0.99

00:57:11.000 That's how I would study them.

00:57:13.000 Get them all in the room.

00:57:13.000 Okay, you yawn first.

00:57:15.000 No one's yawning. 0.98

00:57:15.000 This sucks. 0.98

00:57:17.000 Shit doesn't work at all. 1.00

00:57:18.000 Yeah, but what if that was some weird communication that we're missing out, like you're supposed to yawn with the person next to you at the same time? 0.99

00:57:24.000 I think they believe in chimpanzees.

00:57:27.000 It had something to do with the alpha position and with exchanging empathy.

00:57:35.000 So when one person yawns, you feel obliged to let them know, yeah, I'm tired too.

00:57:43.000 Because you don't want to be like, you're tired. 1.00

00:57:45.000 Bitch, I'm wide awake and I'm going to fuck your wife while you're sleeping. 1.00

00:57:48.000 There's a little something to it. 1.00

00:57:51.000 It's like a communication thing. 0.89

00:57:52.000 When you yawn, your heartbeat, I think it goes up 30% rate, and your lungs completely fill up with air, and it does all this shit when you yawn.

00:58:02.000 It makes me also wonder if there was something else there. 0.94

00:58:05.000 You're sending a bolt of...

00:58:06.000 You're supposed to yawn at the same time while you want to talk to somebody else in their head or something like that.

00:58:11.000 Did they talk about what your... 1.00

00:58:13.000 The fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:58:15.000 You're charging your battery. 1.00

00:58:16.000 Did they talk about what your heart rate dips to after you're done yawning?

00:58:19.000 Because you're relaxing.

00:58:20.000 Yeah.

00:58:21.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:58:22.000 I feel like you almost like relax even more that it would be less than what it was before you started yawning.

00:58:26.000 Yeah, that seems silly.

00:58:27.000 Maybe it's waking you up.

00:58:29.000 I mean, saying that your heart jumps 30 beats per minute, I mean, that's what happens when you take a stimulant.

00:58:32.000 Maybe like the idea of this big burst of...

00:58:36.000 This big burst of oxygen in an unusual fashion like that, maybe it sparks an extra little pump of blood flow that's supposed to send a signal.

00:58:46.000 Come on, guys.

00:58:46.000 Let's wake up.

00:58:47.000 Let's wake up.

00:58:47.000 Come on.

00:58:48.000 Because that's what a lot of people do, too, when they yawn.

00:58:50.000 They go, okay, okay, okay. 0.99

00:58:52.000 Let's fucking bear down. 0.99

00:58:53.000 When someone yawns and they're tired, sometimes they'll do that. 0.99

00:58:57.000 They'll yawn.

00:58:57.000 They'll go, all right, I've got to wake up.

00:58:58.000 I've got to wake up.

00:58:59.000 And then they'll fire up.

00:59:00.000 What if you're supposed to touch a pyramid at the same time as a lion?

00:59:03.000 And you all have to stand on one side? 1.00

00:59:06.000 Or a blue monkey up your asshole while you're eating a jellyfish? 1.00

00:59:13.000 I thought you guys were like, what ifs? 1.00

00:59:15.000 I'm just talking.

00:59:16.000 This is the craziest what if ever, Brian.

00:59:18.000 I'm so glad you saw this through.

00:59:21.000 So there's some evidence that the Justice Department is proposing new Freedom of Information Act rules that allow the government to inform the public that records do not exist, even if they do.

00:59:33.000 So the Freedom of Information Act, you're supposed to be able to say, hey, is there records on blah, blah, blah?

00:59:38.000 They're supposed to in cases where it's not... 0.94

00:59:41.000 I'm sure there must be some fucking national security rules. 0.98

00:59:45.000 That's mine, son. 0.99

00:59:46.000 I don't want any more.

00:59:49.000 I thought you were going to drink out of mine.

00:59:50.000 I'll be like, ew.

00:59:51.000 You want some of this?

00:59:52.000 Anyway, what they're saying is they're allowed to lie.

00:59:55.000 They're allowed to tell you that...

00:59:55.000 Yeah, it totally cancels out the whole reason of having the Freedom of Information Act.

01:00:00.000 Yeah, I mean, it's like there's no way to keep... 0.89

01:00:04.000 A tab of all the creepy shit that the government does on a regular basis that tries to sneak through. 0.97

01:00:10.000 It's like you have to read about this on fucking Wired.com, which is where I read about it. 0.99

01:00:15.000 Somebody sent it to me on Twitter. 0.99

01:00:16.000 It's so gross. 0.99

01:00:18.000 It's almost like the Justice Department is putting this out now and doing this so they don't have to talk about shit like that Fast and Furious gunrunning thing. 0.99

01:00:26.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.95

01:00:26.000 You know what I mean? 0.95

01:00:27.000 They're like, oh, we've got to cover our ass retroactively. 0.99

01:00:30.000 Yeah, I wonder. 0.99

01:00:31.000 I wonder if it's just another distraction.

01:00:33.000 It seems like everything's a distraction nowadays.

01:00:37.000 It's so offensive.

01:00:38.000 It's so strange.

01:00:41.000 It doesn't make sense that at this stage of the game that people still think that they can communicate with people like this.

01:00:49.000 Or they can just lie to you and just tell you that files don't exist even if they do.

01:00:54.000 Like 30, 40 years ago, Freedom of Information Act comes out.

01:00:58.000 Nobody thinks anything of it because how many people are actually going to be asking for it? 0.77

01:01:02.000 But now that everyone's a blogger, everyone's got their own podcast doing stuff, I mean, it's like anyone could get that information and just start really doing some fucking damage. 0.87

01:01:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:01:11.000 Anyone can get that information.

01:01:14.000 When we had Jan over, maybe Jan had stacks of them and he said, look, I've got the documents.

01:01:19.000 Oh, really?

01:01:20.000 Alex Jones, yeah, he had Freedom of Information documents.

01:01:22.000 I'm like, wow.

01:01:23.000 But even though I know that I could get my hands on it, I still feel like, it'd be too much work.

01:01:28.000 I don't want to...

01:01:29.000 Is it?

01:01:29.000 I don't want to do it.

01:01:31.000 I don't have the... 0.99

01:01:32.000 I mean, you've got to sift through millions of fucking documents. 1.00

01:01:34.000 You've got to be a nutty person. 0.99

01:01:35.000 But every now and then you find something really crazy. 0.80

01:01:38.000 Like, they found the Operation Northwoods document.

01:01:40.000 That was like...

01:01:41.000 They didn't find that until fairly recently.

01:01:42.000 That's the one where the public...

01:01:45.000 The army was planning on having fake attacks on American civilians and blaming it on the Cubans to get us to go to war with Cuba.

01:01:52.000 They were going to blow up a drone jetliner.

01:01:55.000 They were going to send a jet into the air and blow it up and blame the Cubans for it and get us to go to war with Cuba. 0.86

01:02:02.000 And the guy who came up with that then moved to Connecticut and did that thing at the school.

01:02:06.000 I got another idea.

01:02:09.000 Well, the scary part about it, it was signed by a Joint Chiefs of Staff and it was vetoed by Kennedy.

01:02:13.000 It's called Operation Northwoods.

01:02:14.000 It's one of the creepiest documents you'll ever read because it is 100% lockdown solid proof that people in high office think that way.

01:02:23.000 Yeah.

01:02:24.000 That they were going to attack American soldiers.

01:02:26.000 They were going to have...

01:02:27.000 Armed Cuban friendlies attack Guantanamo Bay, attack American soldiers. 1.00

01:02:31.000 They're going to fucking lob mortars. 1.00

01:02:32.000 I mean, they would have killed kids. 1.00

01:02:34.000 They would have killed soldiers, like American soldiers. 0.94

01:02:37.000 Yeah, you know they're not putting it in over the Everglades or something where it's just going to kill a couple crocodiles. 0.99

01:02:42.000 The whole thing is disgusting.

01:02:43.000 But what's really terrifying is no one went to jail for that.

01:02:46.000 I believe it was like 1962, somewhere around then.

01:02:50.000 So it was right before Kennedy was killed.

01:02:52.000 And nobody was...

01:02:54.000 Nobody went to jail for that.

01:02:55.000 If nobody went to jail for that, and there's no punishment for that kind of corruption and that kind of mismanagement of the government, then all that happens is it evolves.

01:03:04.000 Everything evolves.

01:03:05.000 They don't stay still.

01:03:07.000 If they're making $5 a day under the table, they want to make $10 a day under the table.

01:03:11.000 So very few people stay at the same level all the time.

01:03:15.000 But that document just feeds into why Kennedy was assassinated, you know?

01:03:19.000 Probably, yeah. 0.96

01:03:20.000 Like with the Cubans and how he didn't want to do the shit that the military... 0.95

01:03:24.000 There's a wave of people recently, I find, that don't believe that Kennedy was assassinated by anyone other than Oswald. 0.96

01:03:31.000 And I think it's hilarious.

01:03:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:03:33.000 It's one of the dumbest conspiracies. 1.00

01:03:36.000 You go with conspiracy theories. 0.99

01:03:40.000 There's some that are really out there and you've got to really squint when you look at them.

01:03:44.000 And there's other ones that go, oh yeah, there's something wrong here.

01:03:46.000 And the Kennedy is, there's something wrong here.

01:03:48.000 Yeah, if you just look at the facts, you know that Oswald didn't do it.

01:03:52.000 He didn't act alone. 1.00

01:03:53.000 There's so much crazy shit. 1.00

01:03:54.000 The fact that they found the bullet on the gurney. 1.00

01:03:59.000 They found the bullet on Connelly's gurney.

01:04:02.000 Just magically found.

01:04:03.000 Oh, here's the bullet that shot you and went through everybody and even though it's not even bent up.

01:04:07.000 Right.

01:04:07.000 The whole thing is just preposterous.

01:04:09.000 And the only reason why they came up with a third bullet, you know, the reason why they had to have that single bullet theory, and this is one thing a lot of people don't know, is because there was a guy under the bridge, he was under the overpass, and he got hit by a ricochet.

01:04:20.000 So they had to count for that bullet.

01:04:21.000 And since they had committed to the idea that there was three shots that were fired from Oswald's gun, they had to count for all these different wounds.

01:04:28.000 One of them being a wound in the front of the neck.

01:04:30.000 That in the initial autopsy, they diagnosed as a wound in the front of the neck.

01:04:35.000 And then in Bethesda, Maryland, when they flew the body, they said it was a trach wound.

01:04:38.000 And that they opened up it to help him breathe. 1.00

01:04:41.000 Why are you helping someone breathe that is missing their fucking head? 1.00

01:04:45.000 His brains got shot all over the fucking backseat of that car. 1.00

01:04:50.000 Stop pretending that that guy was alive when they flew him across the continent and they stuck a trach wound in it. 1.00

01:04:55.000 No, that's an impact wound.

01:04:56.000 It's an entry wound from a bullet and they can't account for that bullet.

01:05:00.000 So all they came up with was, oh, well, one bullet just went wickety-wackety inside of his body and shattered bones in two different people and came out looking almost pristine.

01:05:10.000 No.

01:05:10.000 It's amazing how few people believe that.

01:05:13.000 And it's because people like things tidy, and they like things neat, and they love this idea of Occam's Razor, that the simplest solution is always the correct one.

01:05:22.000 But that's not the case.

01:05:23.000 Oftentimes it is, but it's not always the case.

01:05:26.000 If you see in the Operation Northwoods document, there's real corruption.

01:05:30.000 There's real conspiracy.

01:05:32.000 There's a bunch of guys who really sat down and said, how can we get people to be interested in going to war with Cuba?

01:05:38.000 Well, here's what we can do.

01:05:39.000 We can say the Cubans are attacking us. 1.00

01:05:41.000 We can blow up airplanes.

01:05:42.000 Like, the fact that they were doing that deep.

01:05:44.000 Draw up a memo for that.

01:05:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:05:46.000 If you don't think they would get together and say, this Kennedy, this motherfucker, he wants us out of Vietnam. 0.99

01:05:51.000 It's going to cost us billions. 1.00

01:05:53.000 He wants to fucking end the Fed. 0.98

01:05:55.000 He wants to get rid of the CIA. You know, the CIA, at the time, had only been around for about 20 years. 0.99

01:05:59.000 The CIA was created after World War II. So from World War II to when Kennedy was shot in the 60s, it was building up steam and he didn't like it.

01:06:09.000 He thought they should get rid of the CIA. He thought they should get rid of the Federal Bank.

01:06:12.000 He was proposing to restructure everything. 1.00

01:06:15.000 And they shot that dude right in the fucking head. 1.00

01:06:17.000 And if you don't think that's what happened, you're crazy. 1.00

01:06:20.000 Because Lyndon Johnson took over after him, and he's basically just a version of George Bush.

01:06:25.000 Just a play it by the book, good old boy, version of George Bush.

01:06:29.000 And they went deep into Vietnam right afterwards, and they stayed there for a while.

01:06:34.000 There's no doubt in my mind that they killed that guy.

01:06:37.000 Who?

01:06:37.000 I don't know.

01:06:38.000 I don't know.

01:06:39.000 Who?

01:06:39.000 I don't know who.

01:06:40.000 But I have a feeling he thought he was really president.

01:06:43.000 That's what I think.

01:06:44.000 I think there's certain people that get this idea in their head. 0.99

01:06:46.000 They're going to get in there and they're just going to fucking change shit and it's really going to happen. 0.99

01:06:51.000 And then they get there and they go, whoa, so this is how it works. 0.99

01:06:54.000 We were talking about Colin Powell yesterday and I've always thought that he was one of those guys. 0.99

01:06:58.000 That, like, probably could have been president, you know, and when you're running for president, I think they don't let you know shit. 0.99

01:07:05.000 I don't think you have a clue as to how it works. 0.94

01:07:07.000 And then finally, one day, you're actually in office, and you realize, oh my god, like, they take you into the Matrix room, where you watch all the fetuses that are connected to these metal spikes that suck fluid out of their brains to feed this mothership.

01:07:22.000 And you look at it, and you go, oh my god, this is the truth?

01:07:25.000 This is reality?

01:07:28.000 And then your hair starts going gray.

01:07:29.000 Yeah, that's when your hair turns gray.

01:07:31.000 Yeah, your hair starts going gray.

01:07:32.000 But what about Powell, though?

01:07:34.000 You feel like he...

01:07:35.000 I feel like he was another one of those guys.

01:07:37.000 It's like he was a real man of character and a guy who you trust what his word was.

01:07:43.000 Then all of a sudden, he's in the Bush administration.

01:07:45.000 He's like, Jesus Christ.

01:07:47.000 Just watching the whole thing go down.

01:07:48.000 Eventually, he had to get out of there.

01:07:50.000 The whole situation was gross.

01:07:53.000 Here's a guy who's a genuine war hero.

01:07:55.000 He's watching these chicken hawks... 1.00

01:07:57.000 You know, force us into these weird fucking wars and these creepy parts of the world and coming up with these stupid fucking reasons why we're supposed to be there. 0.99

01:08:05.000 At Occupy LA, they had these pumpkins, and each pumpkin was carved with a different president or person in office, you know? 0.99

01:08:12.000 And every time they made a Bush one, it would get smashed within like 30 minutes.

01:08:16.000 So every time the guy told me he would walk by, it was always smashed.

01:08:21.000 The Bush one was always smashed. 0.66

01:08:22.000 He's a figurehead.

01:08:23.000 That's funny.

01:08:24.000 That's all he is, man.

01:08:25.000 He's just a figurehead.

01:08:26.000 He's just a dude who got a job.

01:08:28.000 It's not that much different than Mijos and Fear Factor.

01:08:32.000 You see, Obama's in Los Angeles and he went to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles in her photo self.

01:08:37.000 Unless that was an evil Twitter prank, I am sorry if I fooled you.

01:08:41.000 No, no, no, no.

01:08:41.000 He went to Roscoe's and it's hilarious.

01:08:44.000 That place is amazing.

01:08:46.000 I can't get into that, man.

01:08:48.000 What, Chicken and Waffles?

01:08:49.000 Yeah.

01:08:49.000 It's like fried chicken, right?

01:08:50.000 Fuck yeah, it's like fried chicken. 1.00

01:08:52.000 It's not like fried chicken. 1.00

01:08:53.000 They put syrup on the chicken and stuff?

01:08:56.000 No, you don't have to put syrup on the chicken. 0.99

01:08:57.000 In my mind, that's what it is, and that's when I'm like, fuck this, I'm not going. 0.99

01:09:00.000 Dude, it's all delicious. 1.00

01:09:02.000 You're crazy. 0.96

01:09:03.000 Listen, chicken with a little bit of syrup and some hot sauce? 1.00

01:09:06.000 God damn, son. 0.99

01:09:07.000 I'll give it a shot. 1.00

01:09:08.000 It's like, instead of eating cornbread with your fried chicken at 8am, you're eating a waffle.

01:09:12.000 Yeah, the waffles, you get extra butter and extra syrup. 1.00

01:09:15.000 Just go crazy with that bitch. 1.00

01:09:17.000 Just appreciate the fact that it's going to be two days worth of calories. 1.00

01:09:20.000 You're supposed to eat in two days, you're going to eat in one meal.

01:09:22.000 Okay, I'll hold off.

01:09:24.000 I'll clear my schedule for it.

01:09:25.000 You know what you're going to do?

01:09:26.000 Just do one day of heavy rock lifting.

01:09:29.000 There's a lot of videos online of guys that pick up these stone circles.

01:09:33.000 You ever seen those guys?

01:09:35.000 They call them Atlas Stones.

01:09:36.000 It's like a very particular type of working out.

01:09:38.000 They pick up these stones.

01:09:40.000 It's like a giant medicine ball made out of stone.

01:09:43.000 And they carry these around.

01:09:44.000 They're very difficult to carry around. 0.97

01:09:45.000 They actually make special wristbands and shit so that they don't get the skin of their forearms ripped apart. 0.94

01:09:51.000 They have these big, long, padded wristbands. 0.99

01:09:54.000 And these fucking guys walk around carrying these stones. 0.99

01:09:56.000 And this thing's supposed to just burn 8,000 calories or something? 1.00

01:10:00.000 It's fucking full-on caveman shit. 1.00

01:10:03.000 That's like what charges up the system to be the most strong. 1.00

01:10:06.000 Carrying something really heavy and moving it somewhere.

01:10:09.000 That's the hardest thing to do.

01:10:10.000 It requires the whole body to be strong.

01:10:12.000 Every single aspect of the body.

01:10:14.000 Very difficult.

01:10:15.000 So that's your move, dude.

01:10:16.000 Do that and then go Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. 0.99

01:10:18.000 You'll be so fucking tired. 0.99

01:10:20.000 You'll be like, man, I don't give a fuck how many calories are in that. 1.00

01:10:23.000 I'm going to eat the shit out of that stuff. 0.99

01:10:25.000 I want to sit in the Obama booth. 0.99

01:10:29.000 There probably is one now, right?

01:10:31.000 Do you think they have one?

01:10:32.000 No.

01:10:32.000 They keep it like roped off?

01:10:33.000 Yeah.

01:10:34.000 With photos of him in there?

01:10:36.000 They said they weren't going to do anything special for the fact that he visited that location because apparently Reagan and who's the other president who's from California?

01:10:46.000 Nixon?

01:10:46.000 Yeah.

01:10:47.000 It came in Orozco's all the time.

01:10:49.000 Really?

01:10:49.000 They didn't change the menu or do anything special for them.

01:10:51.000 They're not going to do that for Obama. 0.98

01:10:53.000 Yeah, but he's black.

01:10:54.000 I know. 0.98

01:10:55.000 I think you're supposed to rope it off.

01:10:57.000 We'll see.

01:10:58.000 Not only should they rope it off, they should get Madame Trudeau's to create a wax image of him sitting there eating the waffles.

01:11:03.000 Oh, that'd be awesome.

01:11:05.000 And there'd be a photo there, and you'd have the whole thing encased in glass, and kids would wipe their boogers on it.

01:11:12.000 They put some quarters, they stick quarters in the glass, you're trying to remove one, and if you do, you get to keep it.

01:11:17.000 One of those things.

01:11:19.000 It should be a big candle, light him from the top every day, and see him melt while he's eating his waffles.

01:11:24.000 A big candle?

01:11:25.000 Yeah, like a big candle statue.

01:11:27.000 Oh, he's a big candle because he's waxed. 0.99

01:11:30.000 Some of those waxed statues are fucking incredible, man. 0.99

01:11:32.000 It's really amazing. 0.97

01:11:33.000 Yeah, some of them I can't, like, they'll show the celebrity standing next to it.

01:11:37.000 I can't tell who...

01:11:38.000 Sometimes, yeah.

01:11:39.000 I mean, it's like, you know, one of them looks weird and the other one doesn't, but you still are like, well, which one is it, though?

01:11:44.000 Yeah.

01:11:45.000 You know what I mean?

01:11:45.000 Yeah, and photos.

01:11:46.000 It goes to show you how weird photos are.

01:11:48.000 Yeah.

01:11:49.000 You know, especially when photos get photoshopped.

01:11:51.000 I mean, have you ever looked at someone's photos, like, you know, like, especially, like, professional hot chicks?

01:11:56.000 You know, they'll have, like, a girl who's, like, a ring card girl or something like that, and they'll have her all touched up, or...

01:12:00.000 Someone along those lines.

01:12:02.000 You barely can tell what they really look like.

01:12:05.000 You have to actually see them in person to see what they really look like.

01:12:07.000 Because in this photo, it's not a real representative of who they are.

01:12:11.000 It's like this weird paint thing.

01:12:14.000 It's like you painted.

01:12:15.000 Someone's painted over you.

01:12:17.000 This is not the real picture. 1.00

01:12:19.000 You're showing me a goddamn cartoon. 0.99

01:12:20.000 This is like artwork. 1.00

01:12:21.000 Well, I think 3D photos.

01:12:23.000 I don't know if you've seen those new cell phones.

01:12:24.000 I've seen them on cell phones, yeah.

01:12:25.000 Even this camera has 3D in it, so you can take panoramic views in 3D, and then you hook it up to your 3D TV, and it's just amazing.

01:12:33.000 Really? 0.83

01:12:33.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous. 0.83

01:12:34.000 You can move your head and look around. 0.77

01:12:36.000 Wait, show me a picture on the 3D camera.

01:12:38.000 I've never seen this.

01:12:39.000 You can't see it on this.

01:12:40.000 You have to put it on the thing.

01:12:41.000 You have to have it on a 3D TV. Oh, that's a way to make money.

01:12:45.000 Where's the end of that?

01:12:47.000 This 3D thing, to me, I don't like the movies where I have to wear glasses.

01:12:51.000 They have to figure out how to put something over the screen, but I'm thinking that this is just a hiccup along the way.

01:12:57.000 Look at the Nintendo 3DS. It's a little Game Boy.

01:13:00.000 It's in 3D without glasses now.

01:13:02.000 Really?

01:13:02.000 So it just kind of shows you five, ten years, yeah, it's going to be good.

01:13:07.000 Yeah, I've seen some of those 3D TVs where they have some commercials or whatever playing in a bar, and it's...

01:13:12.000 It's kind of cool.

01:13:13.000 It's not as good as when you're wearing your glasses and watching Avatar or something.

01:13:17.000 Yeah, Avatar is like the only kind of movies that... 1.00

01:13:19.000 If it's a big, crazy action movie like that, I'll wear the stupid glasses. 1.00

01:13:23.000 Those things, they're uncomfortable. 1.00

01:13:25.000 You're used to wearing glasses.

01:13:27.000 To you, it's an everyday thing.

01:13:28.000 But even I don't like them.

01:13:29.000 I have to take them off every once in a while and just give my face a rest.

01:13:33.000 Have you ever thought about getting an operation?

01:13:35.000 No, I can't.

01:13:36.000 Dude, remember that movie Fire in the Sky back in the late 80s or early 90s or something?

01:13:41.000 Travis is about UFOs.

01:13:43.000 UFOs.

01:13:43.000 Yeah.

01:13:44.000 Travis Walton, I think the guy's name is.

01:13:46.000 Very famous UFO case.

01:13:47.000 Yeah, and they showed...

01:13:48.000 I remember watching the trailer when I was a kid and the aliens were probing him.

01:13:52.000 And just the needle was coming towards his eye, and he was freaking out, and I just went, I don't want anyone to ever touch my eye.

01:13:59.000 And that stuck with me since I was a kid.

01:14:01.000 I had contacts for a while.

01:14:03.000 That took me a while to start doing contacts.

01:14:06.000 I hated it. 0.98

01:14:07.000 They scared the fuck out of you, son. 0.98

01:14:09.000 Travis Walton, yeah, that's the guy's name. 0.92

01:14:11.000 He was working as a logger in the woods in 1975. Yeah.

01:14:14.000 In Arizona.

01:14:15.000 Flagstaff. 0.99

01:14:16.000 And he was pulled out into the fucking sky. 0.99

01:14:18.000 I used to have that poster in my room. 0.99

01:14:20.000 Huge banner.

01:14:21.000 We would get banners like your Doom poster here for the movie theaters.

01:14:25.000 And they would throw them away.

01:14:26.000 But you're allowed to have them if you worked at the movie theaters.

01:14:28.000 So I'd get all the cool ones.

01:14:30.000 And Fire in the Sky was right on my wall right when I walked in.

01:14:32.000 Wow. 0.99

01:14:33.000 That was a dope fucking movie about abduction. 1.00

01:14:35.000 That was a fun movie, man. 1.00

01:14:37.000 Those alien movies scare the shit out of me, man.

01:14:39.000 They still do. 1.00

01:14:40.000 It's so easy to say, ah, they're full of shit. 1.00

01:14:43.000 I don't believe them. 1.00

01:14:44.000 It's so easy to say that because it doesn't happen every day. 1.00

01:14:47.000 Because it doesn't happen every day, it's so easy to go, that's fucking bullshit. 0.99

01:14:52.000 But could you imagine if it actually was happening to you? 1.00

01:14:56.000 What a fucking freakout that would be! 1.00

01:14:58.000 Like, holy shit, they're real! 1.00

01:15:00.000 You're flying through the fucking sky into the spaceship and they're probing you and you're like, no fucks! 1.00

01:15:05.000 The fucking way! 1.00

01:15:06.000 They're real! 0.99

01:15:07.000 They're really real!

01:15:08.000 And you're not going to be able to tell anybody about it.

01:15:10.000 Yeah.

01:15:10.000 Well, this was one of the best movies at sort of representing that, that Fire in the Sky movie, because it really did represent that feeling of like, that guy really did seem like he was stuck.

01:15:20.000 I mean, it was terrifying. 0.99

01:15:21.000 Whatever the fuck happened, whether or not they're full of shit or not, I don't know. 0.99

01:15:26.000 But the character in the movie, if that was real... 1.00

01:15:29.000 What a terrifying experience.

01:15:30.000 That movie was like a recount of that guy's story and experience.

01:15:33.000 But even movies like E.T., it still scares the shit out of me.

01:15:37.000 I can't watch it.

01:15:39.000 There was like my parents' bedroom was around the corner, or their bathroom was around the corner in their bedroom.

01:15:44.000 We had a big family, so I'd have to use their bathroom every once in a while.

01:15:47.000 I was scared to death. 0.99

01:15:48.000 As a little kid, I thought fucking E.T. would be sitting on the toilet taking a shit or something. 1.00

01:15:53.000 I just, as kids think weird things, and even to this day, I'll go home, and I just, I'm hesitant to even go in that bathroom. 0.95

01:16:01.000 I'm like, I know E.T. is not going to be here, but I still don't want to just walk around the corner.

01:16:05.000 What if it was white E.T. too?

01:16:07.000 What if it was white E.T. dragging a leg, like zombie style?

01:16:11.000 Wow, you just made E.T. creepy.

01:16:13.000 Dude, they should make an E.T. horror movie.

01:16:15.000 Why?

01:16:15.000 E.T.'s a lovable little character?

01:16:17.000 That's what Super 8 was supposed to be.

01:16:18.000 Yeah.

01:16:19.000 That was a little grittier than...

01:16:20.000 I saw The Thing last night.

01:16:22.000 Oh, how was that?

01:16:23.000 The Thing prequel? 0.97

01:16:23.000 Dude, it's not getting good reviews, but it's fucking good. 0.97

01:16:27.000 They did a great job. 0.96

01:16:28.000 I want to see it just because I love The Thing.

01:16:29.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:16:30.000 I don't know what Rotten Tomatoes gave it, but...

01:16:33.000 Sometimes you can't trust that stuff, man.

01:16:36.000 I mean, I think they're on par with some things, but then there's other things you're just like, what...

01:16:41.000 33%, man. 0.99

01:16:42.000 They're saying it sucks. 0.97

01:16:43.000 I don't get it. 0.99

01:16:44.000 How stoned were you?

01:16:46.000 I was pretty sober, actually.

01:16:48.000 Oh, sober?

01:16:48.000 Yeah.

01:16:48.000 I had a glass of wine.

01:16:49.000 That's it.

01:16:51.000 But it was good, man.

01:16:53.000 It's good.

01:16:53.000 Look, I'm a big fan of the John Carpenter version, the Kurt Russell version.

01:16:58.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:16:59.000 That's a good fucking movie. 0.99

01:17:00.000 It still holds up. 0.99

01:17:02.000 I watched that movie recently, like a month or so ago.

01:17:05.000 Still holds up. 0.99

01:17:06.000 That's a solid fucking movie. 0.99

01:17:09.000 This movie was not quite as good as that, first of all, because... 0.99

01:17:13.000 I didn't quite...

01:17:15.000 The girl who was the lead, she was okay.

01:17:18.000 What's her name?

01:17:19.000 I don't know.

01:17:19.000 I don't know her name.

01:17:20.000 She's okay, but I think she wasn't Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

01:17:24.000 That's her name.

01:17:25.000 She wasn't Kurt Russell.

01:17:27.000 Kurt Russell just brought so much to that part. 0.99

01:17:30.000 It's Kurt fucking Russell, man. 0.99

01:17:31.000 And that's Kurt Russell in his prime, dude, with holding on to a fucking stick of grenades with a blowtorch in his hand, fucking with all the ice in his face. 1.00

01:17:41.000 I'll blow this whole And you're like, whoa, that's intense. 0.99

01:17:45.000 This chick never hit that kind of a, oh my god, I'm about to die, peak. 1.00

01:17:50.000 It was like, she's around aliens and craziness and duh, but still, somehow or another, she's way too composed for me.

01:17:58.000 To me, I think everybody should have been really freaking the fuck out, and I just didn't have that.

01:18:05.000 How were the effects and everything? 0.97

01:18:07.000 The effects were fucking insane, man. 0.99

01:18:10.000 Fucking insane! 0.99

01:18:11.000 The effects were amazing, man. 0.97

01:18:13.000 The effects were incredible.

01:18:14.000 What they can do now is, well, first of all, it's a prequel.

01:18:18.000 So it's basically what happens, and it takes place in 82. So it's all what happens right before the Kurt Russell version of it.

01:18:26.000 So I don't know if they're going to redo that one.

01:18:27.000 I hope they don't, honestly, because there's no need to. 0.98

01:18:30.000 Just come up with a new fucking idea, please. 0.99

01:18:32.000 They probably will. 0.99

01:18:33.000 Dude, everything's getting remade, though. 0.99

01:18:35.000 If they redo it, it's really a shit trick. 0.99

01:18:38.000 Because yeah, you'll go back to see King Kong, the fourth remake of King Kong, but you know he's going to fucking die at the end. 0.99

01:18:44.000 It's still the same story. 0.98

01:18:45.000 It's like you're just going to trick me with a bunch of new shit in the middle that wasn't in the original one. 0.95

01:18:50.000 So you're basically making your own movie for the middle. 0.97

01:18:52.000 You have very flimsy guidelines.

01:18:54.000 You've got to pick up King Kong, grab him back, bring him back to America.

01:18:57.000 You figure it out.

01:18:59.000 She's supposed to be there and sacrifice. 0.82

01:19:01.000 She's got to be blonde. 1.00

01:19:02.000 You've got to have a lot of naked black chicks that nobody cares about. 1.00

01:19:05.000 And then Khan grabs her and then you get him. 0.99

01:19:07.000 And everything else you can make up on your own.

01:19:08.000 So every version is...

01:19:09.000 That's what we're tuning in for. 1.00

01:19:11.000 We're tuning in for the shit that they made up. 1.00

01:19:13.000 It's like we know what's going to happen. 1.00

01:19:15.000 He's going to climb the Empire State Building.

01:19:16.000 He's going to get shot down. 1.00

01:19:17.000 He's going to die. 1.00

01:19:18.000 That's the end.

01:19:19.000 What are you creating in there?

01:19:20.000 Oh, what we've got is this. 0.99

01:19:22.000 And now he's going to battle with these fucking... 1.00

01:19:23.000 The chick is black. 1.00

01:19:24.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:19:25.000 Oh, yeah.

01:19:27.000 I want to see...

01:19:28.000 Super racist movie King Kong is.

01:19:30.000 I want to see Johnny English Reborn.

01:19:33.000 Johnny English Reborn?

01:19:34.000 You've seen Mr. Bean?

01:19:35.000 Mr. Bean?

01:19:36.000 No.

01:19:37.000 I never was a Mr. Bean fan.

01:19:38.000 Yeah, I was never big into Mr. Bean.

01:19:40.000 I wasn't either, but my little brother loved that.

01:19:43.000 Really?

01:19:43.000 And so if I wanted to hang out with him, we'd watch Mr. Bean.

01:19:46.000 He loved all that British shit. 0.99

01:19:47.000 And so I'd watch Mr. Bean, and after a while, it started growing on me, man. 1.00

01:19:51.000 I'm like, it's so stupid. 1.00

01:19:53.000 It's funny. 1.00

01:19:54.000 Really? 1.00

01:19:55.000 It's so stupid that it finally becomes funny. 1.00

01:19:58.000 And then I was, I don't remember what movie I was watching, but the trailer for Johnny English came out. 1.00

01:20:02.000 And I was laughing throughout the whole fucking thing, man. 0.98

01:20:05.000 It's so funny. 0.99

01:20:06.000 I can't wait to see it.

01:20:07.000 Dude, we're going to have Shane Smith from Vice TV. Come on.

01:20:10.000 The guy who goes to the Ladyboys and the guy who went to Liberia.

01:20:14.000 Oh, cool.

01:20:14.000 I tweeted him today and he tweeted back.

01:20:16.000 Oh, that's badass.

01:20:16.000 He's going to do the podcast.

01:20:18.000 He's in Beirut right now filming.

01:20:20.000 Okay. 0.99

01:20:21.000 Who knows what kind of fucking crazy... 1.00

01:20:22.000 Wait, the Ladyboys? 1.00

01:20:23.000 Like he goes to Thailand and gets to Ladyboys?

01:20:24.000 Is that part of the vice guy to travel?

01:20:26.000 No. 1.00

01:20:27.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

01:20:29.000 It's on MTV now, right? 1.00

01:20:30.000 Is that what it's on?

01:20:30.000 You know, I only watch it on Netflix.

01:20:32.000 It's one of the best fucking expose... 0.98

01:20:35.000 What's the best way to describe it? 0.99

01:20:37.000 News shows.

01:20:38.000 It's like a documentary online sort of a show where they do a bunch of different things.

01:20:43.000 Like one of the guys is... 0.98

01:20:45.000 Whenever they have some sort of a drug situation, they have one guy who's like a serious fucking... 0.99

01:20:50.000 Psych-head. 0.98

01:20:51.000 He's massively into psychedelics, and he's super, super educated about them.

01:20:58.000 And he sits down with Sasha Solgin, and they go over the various thousands of different known psychedelic compounds and human use. 0.99

01:21:07.000 It's just incredible shit. 0.99

01:21:09.000 He went to the jungle and did ayahuasca with the natives. 1.00

01:21:12.000 They have incredible shows. 0.99

01:21:14.000 They went to Liberia and literally they're in a whorehouse in Liberia where it was like a dollar or it might have been less than a dollar to have sex with somebody. 0.99

01:21:21.000 These guys go there. 1.00

01:21:23.000 They go everywhere.

01:21:24.000 They go to the Congo.

01:21:25.000 They go everywhere.

01:21:26.000 It's nuts.

01:21:27.000 And he went to North Korea.

01:21:28.000 This guy Shane Smith went to North Korea.

01:21:30.000 They went to the Thailand one.

01:21:32.000 He's hanging out with ladyboys. 1.00

01:21:34.000 They picked up some ladyboys and brought them back and were sitting in the tub with them and hanging out with them.

01:21:39.000 I think I saw that.

01:21:41.000 Was that also a documentary or is this just on his show?

01:21:44.000 It's just the show. 1.00

01:21:45.000 I don't know the history of it and that's why it'd be great to have him on because I don't know how it got founded but these guys have fucking balls, man. 0.99

01:21:55.000 They're savages and I've been a big fan of their work for a long time. 0.98

01:21:58.000 One of them, my favorite one is the one where they go up to visit that guy that lives deep, deep, deep in Alaska.

01:22:04.000 That guy that lives, remember, he lives alone with his wife.

01:22:10.000 They have this little log cabin in the middle of nowhere in northeast Alaska. 0.87

01:22:17.000 Northeast Alaska, like way the fuck up there, where there's nobody, man.

01:22:21.000 And this guy, they go hang out with him, and he's just every day hunting caribou, fishing for fish.

01:22:28.000 Just every day is just foraging food.

01:22:30.000 And he's a bright guy.

01:22:31.000 And he's been up there for like 30 years.

01:22:33.000 And he believes that's like the only way people are supposed to live, and that's the best way to be happy.

01:22:38.000 Like he's super content with...

01:22:40.000 Up there, he's like, you know, I don't have any depression.

01:22:41.000 I don't have any problems.

01:22:43.000 This is what I like to do.

01:22:45.000 I like to hunt and gather.

01:22:46.000 And he's not a dummy, man. 1.00

01:22:48.000 It's a really fascinating fucking show. 0.99

01:22:51.000 And in the middle of the show, they have to kill a bear because the bear was getting out his food because he shoots caribou and then he has to hang the caribou. 0.99

01:23:00.000 And sometimes they have a problem. 0.99

01:23:01.000 You're hanging this fucking caribou out. 1.00

01:23:03.000 And bears smell it. 1.00

01:23:04.000 The bears come around. 1.00

01:23:05.000 And when they come around, you have to kill them. 1.00

01:23:06.000 So in the middle of the night, they're chasing him with cameras while he's fucking shooting this bear. 1.00

01:23:10.000 It's wild, dude. 0.98

01:23:12.000 Because they're in the middle of nowhere.

01:23:14.000 I mean, someone has to come by and drop off goods for them out of a parachute.

01:23:18.000 That's the only way he's getting food.

01:23:20.000 Like that movie Hannah.

01:23:20.000 Yeah.

01:23:21.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:23:22.000 Well, if he's been there for 30 years, maybe he left in the 80s where it was like, oh, cassette tapes suck, fucking Atari 2600, this is lame, I gotta get out of here. 1.00

01:23:32.000 I know how to be happy. 0.98

01:23:33.000 Yeah, I'll go out in the middle of Alaska.

01:23:35.000 I wonder if he travels to a main city.

01:23:38.000 He hasn't in a long time.

01:23:39.000 He has been, but...

01:23:41.000 As of the show, as of The Vice Guide to Travel, I don't think he had ever even seen 9-11.

01:23:47.000 I don't think he'd ever seen The Towers Fall.

01:23:48.000 He should check out TVs now.

01:23:50.000 Maybe he just has no idea how awesome it is now.

01:23:53.000 Maybe, but maybe he's right.

01:23:56.000 Maybe our bodies are still the same bodies.

01:23:59.000 You've got to think that there's a bunch of reward systems that are in place to ensure that people stay alive.

01:24:05.000 And for the longest time...

01:24:08.000 For a period of thousands and thousands and thousands of years, the way we stayed alive was hunting and gathering.

01:24:14.000 That's the way we stayed alive.

01:24:14.000 We went out and we killed our own food and we caught our own fish and we grew our own fruit and vegetables.

01:24:20.000 And I think to this day, we're probably wired with a reward system that enforces that.

01:24:26.000 When you do that, it probably feels really good.

01:24:28.000 Because I know a lot of...

01:24:29.000 I used to be...

01:24:30.000 I'm hooked on fishing.

01:24:31.000 I used to love fishing.

01:24:32.000 I used to fish all the time.

01:24:33.000 It's a very primal thing.

01:24:34.000 The excitement of catching a fish, it's very much wired into your system.

01:24:40.000 As is hunting, supposedly.

01:24:42.000 I haven't been hunting, but they all say that.

01:24:43.000 People who hunt, they all say that it's wired into you, man.

01:24:47.000 And that's why people to this day, even though it's easy to get food, still go hunting.

01:24:51.000 Not even just for...

01:24:52.000 For the meat and for the fact that they need the meat to stay alive, but just for the actual excitement of it because there's an exciting thing about procuring your own food, going out and getting your own food and sustaining yourself through your own work instead of sustaining yourself through a supermarket where you just kind of emptily pay for things and then just consume them.

01:25:14.000 Some people really believe that the real true way to be happy is to...

01:25:18.000 I mean, it's not very progressive because eventually we have to evolve past the state, but some people think the true way to be happy is to live as if people were living thousands of years ago when there was no electricity.

01:25:30.000 And then all this technology, even though we're enjoying it, It's enhancing our life.

01:25:34.000 We're not really wired to use this stuff.

01:25:37.000 We're not wired to be influenced by it.

01:25:40.000 Like televisions, we were talking about TVs and movies.

01:25:43.000 Think about the influence that a film has.

01:25:46.000 Think about the influence that that has compared to any influence that you would actually see in the natural world and compared to what you're supposed to be receiving.

01:25:54.000 The human brain, like as you're developing and learning and going through life, you're supposed to be impressed by certain things, acts of bravery.

01:26:01.000 You're supposed to be impressed by character, impressed by leadership.

01:26:04.000 And all these things are supposed to impress you because you should eventually take on that role yourself if you're a man.

01:26:11.000 You should actually develop to a person of character and respect and leadership.

01:26:15.000 Hopefully, if you ever want to become the leader.

01:26:17.000 But until then, you follow the leader.

01:26:19.000 You follow the alpha because that's the one that has all the information.

01:26:21.000 They've already lived a long life.

01:26:23.000 They've learned some things.

01:26:24.000 And if you want to stay alive, you follow him. 0.98

01:26:26.000 Now, this is what's programmed in our head, but instead of that, what we're getting in this is this fucking 100-foot screen. 1.00

01:26:34.000 We're wearing glasses that make everything 3D, and this paralyzed dude is going to fuck this blue chick. 1.00

01:26:40.000 And it's like our bodies and our brains almost can't process that much bullshit. 1.00

01:26:45.000 It's like even though we know it's just a movie... 0.93

01:26:49.000 There's certain parts of our subconscious or even our consciousness that I think are programmed to expect movie-like results from real life. 0.89

01:26:59.000 And when you don't have anything like that, when you realize that the reality of it is, whoa, now I'm just some weird person who gets in a metal fucking box and it's on rubber wheels and I ride over this hard surface to this same spot where I sit in a cubicle every fucking day and repeat over and over again.

01:27:15.000 There's no Sandra Bullock movie for me, man.

01:27:18.000 There's no beautiful ending. 1.00

01:27:20.000 Like, what the fuck, man? 0.99

01:27:21.000 This is reality. 1.00

01:27:21.000 But we're so programmed by this idea of happy endings and this idea of easy-to-follow storylines where it all works out in the end. 1.00

01:27:32.000 Ta-da-da! 0.99

01:27:35.000 It's a trip.

01:27:37.000 It's a trip to wonder whether or not we have created something in our mass media, in our media, in our television, in our movies.

01:27:43.000 We have created something that influences us far beyond what we can control.

01:27:48.000 And almost like that's how it's difficult for people to truly understand people anymore.

01:27:53.000 It's almost like people aren't even influencing people.

01:27:56.000 People's creations are influencing people. 0.99

01:27:58.000 Artificial bullshit is influencing people. 0.97

01:28:02.000 Who the human is below all of it is very difficult to distinguish for a lot of people. 1.00

01:28:11.000 Wrap your hand around that, bitch. 1.00

01:28:13.000 So I'm reading the biography of Steve Jobs, that thing I mentioned. 1.00

01:28:16.000 But they're talking...

01:28:17.000 The one cool thing that they kind of hinted at was the future, how Steve Jobs thought that he had...

01:28:22.000 Mapped out.

01:28:23.000 Like the next TV. He broke the idea for the next TV. And so there's like these rumors now that Apple might start making their own TV sets.

01:28:31.000 Like, you know, like... 0.98

01:28:32.000 Well, I'll tell you what, that Apple TV program is fucking great, man. 0.98

01:28:35.000 I love it. 0.98

01:28:36.000 Oh, the Apple TV box?

01:28:37.000 Yeah, the actual box. 0.93

01:28:39.000 It's a little tiny-ass box, man.

01:28:40.000 Yeah, I got it.

01:28:41.000 Do you ever use it?

01:28:41.000 I got it.

01:28:42.000 It's great. 0.99

01:28:42.000 It's fucking great. 0.99

01:28:43.000 I was thinking with how good Siri is, imagine being able to tell your TV, like, find me Family Guy Thursday, record, turn to channel HBO, record that, you know, and how it's probably going to mix in with the Siri into the TV. Wouldn't that be awesome? 0.98

01:29:00.000 Yeah, that's inevitable, I think.

01:29:03.000 Yeah, it's obviously moving that direction.

01:29:06.000 We're going to get that real quick.

01:29:07.000 Have you ever seen Bill Gates' house?

01:29:10.000 No.

01:29:11.000 There's a bunch of videos.

01:29:12.000 There was actually a thread about it on my message board a few weeks ago, I think.

01:29:15.000 Amazing house.

01:29:16.000 And you wear a pin when you enter the room.

01:29:18.000 When you get into his house, you put a pin on, and this pin has a microchip in it.

01:29:22.000 And every room, it recognizes you.

01:29:25.000 It knows that you're the one who entered into the room.

01:29:27.000 So it changes the images on the wall.

01:29:30.000 It changes the atmosphere, the temperature.

01:29:33.000 What's funny is that's so funny how that's old technology already.

01:29:38.000 Because even with Kinect, with Xbox, you have it in your house, and you walk in the room, it detects your face, and then logs you in on Kinect.

01:29:45.000 Does it start playing music and change the lights?

01:29:48.000 No, but it logs you in and then you can have your Netflix and you sit there with your hand and you stream through the movies with your hand.

01:29:54.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:29:55.000 So you can go through Netflix with your hand?

01:29:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:29:59.000 Oh my god.

01:30:00.000 That's so crazy.

01:30:01.000 Imagine now apples.

01:30:03.000 You just make lazy people even more lazy.

01:30:06.000 Isn't that incredible though?

01:30:08.000 That is a big jump.

01:30:09.000 That's a big jump.

01:30:10.000 The ability that we have right now to sit in front of the TV and swipe things with your hand in space.

01:30:15.000 Right.

01:30:15.000 Now imagine not having to move your hand now.

01:30:17.000 Just being like, Siri, find me this movie.

01:30:19.000 Do this.

01:30:20.000 I was just getting used to the retinal scan.

01:30:24.000 That blows my mind.

01:30:25.000 You can put your eye up.

01:30:27.000 When have you ever used that on a laptop?

01:30:29.000 I've never used it. 0.99

01:30:30.000 I just see it in movies and I'm like, what the fuck is that? 0.99

01:30:33.000 It's real. 0.98

01:30:33.000 They have it for laptops now. 0.98

01:30:35.000 They have fingerprint ones and they have retina scan ones.

01:30:38.000 Wait, for what?

01:30:40.000 I've only seen the finger ones.

01:30:41.000 You do it to log in?

01:30:43.000 Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

01:30:44.000 I know they do it for security things.

01:30:45.000 They have my gym, 24 Hour Fitness.

01:30:48.000 That's how I sign in.

01:30:49.000 I do it with the finger.

01:30:50.000 We don't work out in the same gym.

01:30:53.000 I never see you there.

01:30:55.000 I know I'm 24 Hour Fitness.

01:30:56.000 Really?

01:30:57.000 Which one do you go to?

01:30:58.000 Santa Monica.

01:31:00.000 Yeah.

01:31:01.000 I can't find this.

01:31:02.000 I might have made that up.

01:31:03.000 How to buy a retina biometric scanner.

01:31:06.000 No, they have them.

01:31:07.000 I don't know if they have it on laptops yet.

01:31:09.000 It wouldn't surprise me if there's a thing you plug into the back of your computer that sits on top.

01:31:13.000 You do a retinal scan.

01:31:15.000 It brings up your profile or something.

01:31:18.000 But then people would worry, what if somebody cut your eyeballs out?

01:31:21.000 That's what I'm always like with a pencil. 0.99

01:31:24.000 You jam a pencil in there, pop that sucker out. 0.99

01:31:26.000 God! 0.99

01:31:27.000 And then you get in behind the security wall that you shouldn't be, but you got the eyeball.

01:31:32.000 And then you strap the nukes to yourself and pull the pin, and that's it.

01:31:37.000 I'm getting kind of jealous.

01:31:38.000 My girlfriend's brother's building a computer right now, and he just bought his new case, and he brought home this case that looks like Alienware.

01:31:44.000 Why are you jealous?

01:31:47.000 Jealous?

01:31:48.000 No, because I miss those days.

01:31:50.000 You sit there and find the coolest case you can, and then you find which motherboard you want.

01:31:54.000 Oh, this is something that you've done before in the past, but the fact that he's doing it now, you're missing it.

01:32:00.000 It's kind of fun.

01:32:01.000 I forget it. 0.99

01:32:02.000 And then there's that new game that just came out today, Battlefield 3, and they're showing how badass it looks, and now I'm thinking, man, I almost want to build some stupid gaming computer. 0.99

01:32:14.000 Dude, you don't got as much free time as it is. 0.99

01:32:16.000 I know.

01:32:16.000 I need to clone people.

01:32:19.000 No, you don't.

01:32:19.000 You just enjoy less things.

01:32:21.000 But I'm with you on the computers.

01:32:23.000 I used to love the satisfaction of putting together a computer.

01:32:27.000 You know, punching and putting in the motherboard, Punching in the RAM, you know, setting everything up, and then the moment it turns on, you boot up Windows.

01:32:36.000 You're like, yes! 0.99

01:32:37.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:32:37.000 I did it! 1.00

01:32:37.000 You know what? 1.00

01:32:38.000 I don't miss jumper settings, though. 1.00

01:32:39.000 Fuck jumper settings in the ass. 1.00

01:32:41.000 If they still have jumper settings. 1.00

01:32:42.000 Maybe you used to have tweezers, and you used to have to move these little things over. 0.97

01:32:46.000 What the fuck were those things? 1.00

01:32:48.000 How primitive is that shit? 1.00

01:32:49.000 And then it was times where your graphics card would interfere with your sound card. 1.00

01:32:53.000 What was that called? 0.98

01:32:54.000 In that BIOS, you had to change frequencies and shit. 0.98

01:32:58.000 Oh, that was so annoying. 0.99

01:32:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:00.000 That shit. 1.00

01:33:00.000 But I think you learn how much... 1.00

01:33:03.000 This is why I appreciate Mac so much.

01:33:06.000 I love the fact that I don't have to do anything.

01:33:08.000 You know, you could say that it's a computer for people who aren't power users or whatever you want to say. 0.99

01:33:13.000 But the fact that I don't have to do shit... 0.98

01:33:15.000 It knows what you're wanting to do. 0.99

01:33:17.000 It's like, oh, do you want to do that?

01:33:18.000 I'll just do it for you.

01:33:20.000 It's like that, I don't know if it's like a sketch or something, but it's just like, move, I got it, you know?

01:33:25.000 Yeah, and I don't have to go into the registry and tweak the settings. 0.99

01:33:29.000 Like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? 0.97

01:33:31.000 Like, what am I even doing in there? 1.00

01:33:33.000 Do you talk about this?

01:33:35.000 Yeah, I've talked about it before.

01:33:37.000 This is the best coconut water I've ever had in my life.

01:33:39.000 I told you.

01:33:39.000 Yeah, I tell everybody.

01:33:40.000 Everybody says coconut water tastes like shit. 1.00

01:33:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:33:43.000 And I never understood why they said that until I tried other stuff.

01:33:46.000 And these people are not paying me a dime.

01:33:49.000 This is all just honesty.

01:33:50.000 I think they have a great product. 1.00

01:33:52.000 C2O is the shit. 1.00

01:33:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:54.000 And I asked them, I said, why is your coconut water so much better?

01:33:57.000 Because it's really delicious.

01:33:58.000 I go, do you add sugar?

01:33:59.000 And they go, no, no, no.

01:34:00.000 What we do is we get our coconuts from a single plantation in Thailand.

01:34:04.000 They own the plantation.

01:34:06.000 And so this plantation in Thailand, apparently the Thais have the sweetest coconuts.

01:34:12.000 They're delicious, coconut-y taste and very sweet.

01:34:15.000 And that's the key. 0.99

01:34:17.000 I don't know what other companies get their shit from Thailand too, but get it from them. 0.99

01:34:22.000 Because that's where C2O gets it. 0.99

01:34:24.000 I've heard people talk about coconut water and they're like, oh, I love it.

01:34:27.000 So I went to Whole Foods and I bought three different kinds because I figured I wouldn't like one of them or whatever just to try them out.

01:34:33.000 I hated all three of them.

01:34:35.000 Yeah.

01:34:35.000 This is amazing.

01:34:36.000 It's amazing.

01:34:37.000 And people think I'm exaggerating. 0.98

01:34:39.000 Like I said, no one's giving me a fucking dime, I swear to God. 0.97

01:34:43.000 There's definitely bad coconut water. 0.98

01:34:44.000 That other kind you had a couple weeks ago, I did not even want to finish.

01:34:47.000 That's not normal.

01:34:49.000 Yeah, this is delicious. 1.00

01:34:51.000 This stuff is fucking... 0.99

01:34:52.000 And it's so good for you, man. 1.00

01:34:54.000 It's really good for when you're working out.

01:34:57.000 It's a good natural isotonic beverage. 0.98

01:34:59.000 Whatever the fuck isotonic means. 0.97

01:35:01.000 Whatever it is, it's good. 0.98

01:35:03.000 Joe, do you know if it's okay?

01:35:04.000 You have a Vitamix.

01:35:05.000 Is it okay to mix vitamins into your drinks?

01:35:08.000 To crush them into the drinks?

01:35:09.000 Would that be okay?

01:35:11.000 Well, I guess you could do that, but why would you do that when you could just take them?

01:35:14.000 Meh.

01:35:15.000 I don't know.

01:35:16.000 Well, what are you eating with vitamins?

01:35:18.000 No, I mean, I do one of those packs of vitamins every day, and I've been throwing it into the...

01:35:24.000 You could do that, sure.

01:35:25.000 You could do that.

01:35:26.000 But you've got to wonder how much of it is going to get stuck to the walls, how much of it is actually in your...

01:35:32.000 I don't know.

01:35:34.000 What kind of vitamins are you taking?

01:35:37.000 Fish oil.

01:35:39.000 It's just one of those packs you buy where it has a big pack of different kinds and you take one a day.

01:35:43.000 Like a little plastic baggie sort of thing.

01:35:45.000 From Costco.

01:35:46.000 From Costco?

01:35:47.000 Yeah.

01:35:48.000 Do you notice any difference when you take vitamins?

01:35:50.000 Yeah, my pee is really yellow and it smells bad.

01:35:52.000 It smells bad?

01:35:53.000 It smells like pee.

01:35:54.000 Like hardcore pee.

01:35:56.000 There's been a study recently.

01:35:59.000 I mean, there's always studies one way or another.

01:36:01.000 But the study recently said something about they were doubting the efficacy of large doses of vitamins.

01:36:08.000 And they were saying that it might even be harmful for some people.

01:36:11.000 It's really interesting. 0.99

01:36:12.000 Because I always wonder, how the fuck do you judge that? 0.97

01:36:16.000 How do you figure that out? 0.96

01:36:18.000 Well, it's probably like anything.

01:36:19.000 If you overdo a B12 or a C or something like that, it's probably not good for you.

01:36:23.000 How much of it is placebo then?

01:36:26.000 Like with vitamins?

01:36:28.000 It's like, how much is this vitamin C actually helping me?

01:36:31.000 Well, it's also, like, how much do you need as opposed to how much other people need?

01:36:35.000 I think there's only six vitamins in this pack, though.

01:36:38.000 It's not like it's crazy, you know?

01:36:40.000 I think it's just basic stuff, too, like fish oil, D, whatever.

01:36:44.000 Fish oil and D? Well, you know, you're not eating healthy, either.

01:36:48.000 I'm not eating pretty healthy.

01:36:50.000 How healthy do you eat?

01:36:51.000 The problem is I only eat once a day.

01:36:53.000 Why do you do that?

01:36:53.000 Well, like, today, you know, I wake up, I get some coffee.

01:36:56.000 I can't eat before I have my coffee, you know, so I slowly drink coffee.

01:36:59.000 Yeah, it doesn't work.

01:37:01.000 Like, I can't eat unless I have coffee.

01:37:02.000 Like, you get an upset stomach sort of thing?

01:37:03.000 I just, zero hunger.

01:37:05.000 Like, it sounds gross.

01:37:06.000 Like, I would probably get sick if I tried to eat before I have my coffee for some reason.

01:37:10.000 Interesting.

01:37:11.000 And then I usually do something like this.

01:37:12.000 Like, I'm doing this podcast right now.

01:37:14.000 I probably will get home, do the podcast, put it up online, and then probably eat around 7 or 8 o'clock at night.

01:37:20.000 My problem is last night I had skinless grilled chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, fruit. 0.98

01:37:27.000 My question when I read these things, when you read a study that has more evidence against vitamin use, my fucking tinfoil hat always goes up. 0.98

01:37:37.000 And I always go, well, how do I not know that this isn't some shit that the pharmaceutical companies have come up with to discourage people from using vitamins? 0.98

01:37:46.000 Like a study they funded or something? 0.96

01:37:48.000 Yeah, they found out that if you take vitamins, you're less likely to get a certain amount of things that we need drugs to cure.

01:37:53.000 And so they're trying to squash the pharmaceutical industry.

01:37:56.000 You know, the pharmaceutical industry was trying at one point in time, and they have recently tried it again.

01:38:02.000 They've talked about doing this, where they want to regulate vitamins and minerals.

01:38:07.000 And they want to make it so they're only by prescription.

01:38:11.000 So they're going to cost a lot more and you're going to have to get them from pharmaceutical companies.

01:38:15.000 So instead of these companies like GNC or all these different places that sell vitamins, those will essentially be taken over by the pharmaceutical companies and their massive amounts of profits.

01:38:26.000 We'll, in turn, be absorbed by the pharmaceutical industry.

01:38:29.000 The pharmaceutical industry, by using the American government, will essentially jack the whole nutritional market and take it over.

01:38:36.000 And they tried this in the past.

01:38:37.000 They tried to do it under the name nutraceuticals.

01:38:39.000 That's what they were going to call vitamins. 0.99

01:38:41.000 And they were going to make it so that if you wanted to get vitamin C, you had to get a fucking prescription. 0.99

01:38:45.000 You had to go through the whole rigmarole. 0.99

01:38:47.000 You had to go to a doctor.

01:38:48.000 Good grief. 0.89

01:38:49.000 It's disgusting.

01:38:51.000 It's really terrifying.

01:38:53.000 And so whenever I see studies like this, and I know that this was a very recently proposed thing, I always wonder if they're jockeying for positioning. 0.98

01:39:00.000 I always wonder what the fuck they're doing. 0.98

01:39:02.000 I really do. 1.00

01:39:03.000 I really do.

01:39:05.000 And then once they take position, they'll say, well, if you get FDA-approved vitamins and minerals, it's been shown that moderate doses of FDA-approved vitamins and minerals can actually prevent certain diseases.

01:39:19.000 This is one of the benefits of having the government take over the pharmaceutical industry is that we're able to run tests on them and get conclusive results using taxpayer money.

01:39:28.000 And now everybody can be safe to take government-approved vitamins.

01:39:32.000 So when I hear stories like this, I don't necessarily...

01:39:35.000 I don't believe it.

01:39:36.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:39:37.000 I don't know who's putting these fucking things together. 0.99

01:39:39.000 And I used to think that all these universities were beyond reproach. 0.99

01:39:42.000 I used to think, well, you know, if it's a university study, for sure, that means...

01:39:46.000 Until I watched Inside Job.

01:39:48.000 And then I realized how the whole system works with university professors and the fucking studies that they put out and then the cushy jobs that they get afterwards and they make millions of dollars by playing ball with everybody. 0.90

01:39:59.000 Did you see Inside Job? 0.89

01:40:00.000 No, but I heard about exactly what you're talking about.

01:40:03.000 It just makes me wonder, is there any honesty left in the world for anything? 0.97

01:40:09.000 When you're dealing with that kind of money, I think, the money for the professors, millions of dollars, all of a sudden they're working for Merrick and they're developing some fucking brain drug for Merrick and making millions and millions of fucking dollars. 0.88

01:40:22.000 For them, it's like the numbers are too high. 0.93

01:40:25.000 Yeah.

01:40:26.000 I wonder if there is anything uncorrupt.

01:40:31.000 I think the only thing that's going to save people, honestly, is there's going to have to be some app that's created eventually that lets us see the truth always.

01:40:39.000 See the truth in anything.

01:40:40.000 No one's ever going to be able to lie to anyone.

01:40:41.000 All your motives will be exposed right away.

01:40:45.000 You'll be forced to tell the truth.

01:40:46.000 And then and only then are we going to really get it together.

01:40:49.000 Because half the problem with what... 0.99

01:40:51.000 What's fucked up about human beings is the lies and the bullshit and the real motivation behind things, whether it's Operation Northwoods or whether it's them trying to fucking take over the vitamin industry under the guise they're trying to help us. 0.99

01:41:05.000 Let me tell you something. 1.00

01:41:06.000 Nobody's dying from fucking vitamins. 1.00

01:41:08.000 Nobody! 1.00

01:41:09.000 Nobody!

01:41:10.000 A negligible amount. 1.00

01:41:11.000 10,000 people die from fucking caffeine every year. 0.99

01:41:14.000 And I love coffee. 1.00

01:41:16.000 Who knows how many thousands of people die from aspirins.

01:41:19.000 400,000 die from cigarettes. 1.00

01:41:22.000 Just shut the fuck up, man. 1.00

01:41:23.000 If they're going after something, they're going after it for money. 1.00

01:41:26.000 The federal government's not trying to take over the cigarette industry.

01:41:29.000 They're not trying to give you only government-approved cigarettes.

01:41:32.000 You need a prescription to get cigarettes because we're worried about the dangers of cigarettes. 1.00

01:41:35.000 They don't think twice about cigarettes because the tobacco company pays them billions of fucking dollars, those dirty, dirty cunts. 1.00

01:41:42.000 So the Truth app is the way to go. 1.00

01:41:44.000 We need a truth app, Brian.

01:41:45.000 Until somebody figures out how to manipulate that and make some money off of it.

01:41:50.000 Of course. 1.00

01:41:50.000 They'll make a fucking bot. 1.00

01:41:51.000 Bot for the truth app. 1.00

01:41:55.000 What's the solution, Brian?

01:41:56.000 I don't know.

01:41:56.000 I was just thinking about how crazy that it...

01:41:59.000 If you really think about...

01:42:00.000 There's a creator.

01:42:01.000 There's somebody that created the human person or whatever.

01:42:05.000 And they had to...

01:42:06.000 Like, take the eye and try to, like, design the eye to make it the best, most efficient eye.

01:42:10.000 And somebody created the nose, like, no, it has to be, you know, it has to have these filters of hair, so it, you know, collects dust before they inhale it, you know.

01:42:18.000 It's amazing that there, is there somebody that sat around and had to design every single part of the human person?

01:42:25.000 No, there's not one person.

01:42:27.000 It's not a job.

01:42:28.000 It's a team of scientists and they created these robots and we're robots.

01:42:32.000 You know, there's the question of whether or not there's intelligent design.

01:42:35.000 There's some pretty intelligent people that believe in intelligent design.

01:42:38.000 And the idea behind it, everybody has a big red flag when you bring it up because it's been co-opted by religious groups.

01:42:45.000 And they use it to sort of promote the idea in school that you can push religious nonsense on kids.

01:42:51.000 Because the real problem with religious nonsense is not that it's not possible what they're saying is true.

01:42:56.000 It's that there's no evidence that it's true.

01:42:57.000 And they're basically just talking. 0.99

01:42:59.000 They're basically just making up a bunch of fucking stories. 0.99

01:43:02.000 Somebody wrote it down, and they try to pretend that it's history, and they try to sell it to kids. 1.00

01:43:06.000 There's no fucking evidence. 0.87

01:43:08.000 But it doesn't mean it's not right. 0.97

01:43:09.000 It doesn't mean that there isn't, at one point in time, some...

01:43:15.000 Benevolent, one power that oversees everything.

01:43:19.000 We have eyelashes to protect our eyes.

01:43:21.000 I mean, each piece of the human body is so...

01:43:23.000 Why would they make crocodiles?

01:43:25.000 Why would they make Komodo dragons? 1.00

01:43:26.000 Why would they make monkeys that throw shit at you? 0.99

01:43:28.000 Because those were all the rejects. 0.99

01:43:29.000 Those were all like the revision B, C, D, E. I don't think so.

01:43:33.000 I think there's some sort of an ecosystem.

01:43:36.000 But if there's anything that looks alien, it's us.

01:43:38.000 If you really wanted to make the argument, and there is a logical argument, If you really want to make the argument that there has been genetic engineering, there's two animals that you'd make that argument with.

01:43:48.000 Dogs and people.

01:43:49.000 And dogs and people both vary substantially in size and shape and coloring and where they live on the earth. 0.99

01:43:58.000 But you can make them fuck each other and they can have babies no matter what. 1.00

01:44:03.000 They're all interchangeable. 1.00

01:44:04.000 Midgets can fuck Shaquille O'Neal. 1.00

01:44:06.000 You can figure out a way to put it all together. 1.00

01:44:08.000 It's a way...

01:44:09.000 You know, there's only people and dogs. 1.00

01:44:11.000 And we know for a fact the only reason why dogs are like that is because people fucked with them. 0.98

01:44:15.000 People, through selective breeding and some sort of genetic engineering that they really don't know. 0.80

01:44:20.000 And a bunch of people, thank you, have sent me a bunch of documentaries on dogs that...

01:44:24.000 I'm probably not going to watch.

01:44:25.000 I just watched one last night.

01:44:28.000 Is it interesting?

01:44:28.000 Dogs dissected or something like that.

01:44:30.000 They come from wolves.

01:44:32.000 Yeah, they come from wolves, but also when humans look at each other, they look from left to right for some reason to judge you.

01:44:40.000 I forget what it was about, but that dogs also did it, and that we actually think closer to the dogs than most chimpanzees or monkeys.

01:44:49.000 It was really weird.

01:44:51.000 It was interesting to see that they only bark.

01:44:55.000 They're not designed to bark.

01:44:57.000 They're designed to bark, where wolves don't sit around and bark all day.

01:45:01.000 Dogs are trying to communicate with humans and stuff.

01:45:04.000 It was really interesting.

01:45:05.000 You know, wolves communicate with people, too.

01:45:07.000 If you have a wolf for a pet, I have a friend that has two wolves.

01:45:10.000 He had three for a while. 1.00

01:45:11.000 And the wolves fucking talk to you, man. 0.99

01:45:13.000 You come home, you're like, what's up, dude? 0.99

01:45:15.000 What's up, dude?

01:45:16.000 They go, oh, oh, oh.

01:45:18.000 These are like full-on wolves, not like half or anything.

01:45:22.000 Well, they're something.

01:45:23.000 Probably seven-eighths timber wolf.

01:45:25.000 They're really tricky.

01:45:26.000 They're really tricky pets.

01:45:27.000 Once you're around them, you go, okay, this isn't a dog, dude.

01:45:30.000 You live with an animal.

01:45:32.000 You live with a totally different animal.

01:45:33.000 This is not a dog.

01:45:34.000 It's a wolf. 1.00

01:45:34.000 It reminds me of grizzly man shit, man. 1.00

01:45:36.000 It's close, except they don't really attack people. 0.99

01:45:38.000 I mean, they can if they're treated badly and if they're in a bad environment.

01:45:42.000 For the most part, wolves, timber wolf, seven-eighths, don't have a problem with their masters, at least.

01:45:47.000 Any dog could have a problem with someone else, another person.

01:45:50.000 Little kids sometimes scare them.

01:45:52.000 They think the little kids are animals.

01:45:54.000 It's a real danger. 0.99

01:45:55.000 Some of the funniest shit, my dad had a friend who would come over, the nicest guy in the world, but our dog Larry didn't like the sound of his voice and she would just bark like crazy and try to attack him. 0.98

01:46:07.000 But she was the nicest dog to everyone. 0.98

01:46:10.000 And this dude, for whatever reason, just come over and she would attack him. 0.99

01:46:12.000 Wow, he probably fucked her when you weren't looking. 1.00

01:46:14.000 Probably. 1.00

01:46:15.000 He probably was always fucking that poor dog. 1.00

01:46:18.000 But you know, the idea is that human beings were genetically engineered by higher power. 1.00

01:46:23.000 That something came down here and genetically engineered us.

01:46:25.000 And that's why we look so different than anything else on the planet.

01:46:28.000 You know, we are so different than any other primate.

01:46:32.000 Our skin is soft and fleshy.

01:46:34.000 For the longest time, we've been using tools to the point where we can't even remember.

01:46:38.000 We just have to kind of like look at old stuff and try to figure out, did they have tools then?

01:46:43.000 I don't think they had them then.

01:46:44.000 And they just recently moved it back way, way, way, way, way back.

01:46:47.000 They moved the dawn of civilization back almost 6,000 years really recently because they found this huge structure in Gobekli Tepe. 0.95

01:46:56.000 And they used to think that back then people were just living in caves and they had these 19-foot tall carved stone columns with animals on them.

01:47:05.000 Wow.

01:47:06.000 This is like 12,000 years ago.

01:47:08.000 So to put it in perspective, ancient Sumer was thought to be the cradle of civilization.

01:47:14.000 That was the oldest known civilization that we knew of.

01:47:17.000 That's 6,000 years ago in Iraq.

01:47:20.000 This is 6,000 years older than that.

01:47:23.000 So to them, in ancient Sumer, it was to them, Gobekli Tepli was like Sumer is to us, which is impossible to even wrap your head around.

01:47:32.000 Where is it?

01:47:34.000 Biblioteca?

01:47:35.000 It's called Gobekli Tepe, and it's in Turkey.

01:47:38.000 It's really amazing, amazing stuff.

01:47:41.000 Oh, that's fascinating.

01:47:41.000 Yeah, this is recent.

01:47:43.000 The guy found this in the 1990s. 0.97

01:47:45.000 He was some farmer, and he was fucking digging in his backyard in Turkey. 1.00

01:47:50.000 It's like a goat herder or some shit, and he found some thing sticking up. 0.99

01:47:53.000 He's like, what the fuck is this? 0.99

01:47:54.000 And it turns out there's all these giant fucking stone circles of huge columns and shit. 1.00

01:48:01.000 All on his land. 0.99

01:48:02.000 All on his land and all done like way, way, way before they thought anybody was doing anything like this.

01:48:08.000 They had to rewrite the whole situation because of this stuff.

01:48:11.000 They thought people were just hunter-gatherers back then.

01:48:13.000 So they're still trying to attribute it somehow to hunter-gatherers, but it doesn't make sense.

01:48:17.000 Right, right. 1.00

01:48:18.000 It's a giant fucking temple. 1.00

01:48:19.000 Yeah, good luck. 1.00

01:48:20.000 It's a fucking crazy giant stone-carved temple. 0.99

01:48:23.000 And you want to tell me that people who made this were just running around chasing animals? 0.99

01:48:27.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:48:28.000 It blows me away that over time that much dirt and just shit has just piled up to cover that temple and now it's just on some dude's farmland. 0.95

01:48:36.000 Well actually this one I think they believe was covered over on purpose. 0.95

01:48:39.000 They believe that someone at some point in time actually covered it.

01:48:43.000 Oh, really?

01:48:44.000 Yeah, because of the nature of the dirt that's covering it, they believe that it's actually artificial, that someone brought it in and covered up the stone structures.

01:48:53.000 Some guy with an ancient backhoe?

01:48:55.000 Yeah, ancient backhoe.

01:48:56.000 It's dogs.

01:48:57.000 A lot of dudes who listen to him.

01:48:59.000 That's what it is.

01:48:59.000 That was your number one resource back then.

01:49:02.000 The slaves who built the pyramids are like, oh, we got another project. 0.98

01:49:06.000 So what we're talking about then is like 12,000 years. 0.97

01:49:09.000 That's a long, long, long fucking time ago. 0.54

01:49:12.000 But even then, it just doesn't make sense. 0.98

01:49:14.000 Like, where did this animal come from?

01:49:16.000 How did this animal get so much different than all these other monkeys?

01:49:19.000 How did it figure out tools?

01:49:20.000 How did it figure out language?

01:49:21.000 Why is it so different in its ability to communicate? 0.99

01:49:24.000 The idea is that somehow or another, the aliens came down and said, God, you know how long it's going to take for these fucking monkeys to ever figure out anything? 0.98

01:49:32.000 It could take billions of years, and it can never happen. 0.99

01:49:35.000 They could go extinct.

01:49:36.000 Look, they live outside.

01:49:37.000 They haven't even figured out fire.

01:49:39.000 This might not ever work out. 0.99

01:49:40.000 They might catch some crazy infection, or there might be some spider that's fucking toxic that likes to live in their sheets and eats them alive. 0.98

01:49:47.000 There might be no chance of these monkeys making it. 0.98

01:49:49.000 How about we do this?

01:49:50.000 How about we just inject a little of our DNA and just spice up the process a little bit?

01:49:56.000 And that's the idea. 0.98

01:49:58.000 And that's also the idea of a guy named Zachariah Sitchin, and he wrote all these books about this shit, about the ancient Sumerians had written this. 0.68

01:50:05.000 Very controversial stuff But it's all about the Sumerian text And how the Anunnaki We're on this planet That's in an elliptical orbit And every 3,600 years It comes near our planet And they hop off And fucking come hang out with us for a little Show us some shit And then disappear And then by the time 3,600 years rolls around We forget about it again So when are we due Probably like a week or so.

01:50:28.000 You just gotta get online.

01:50:30.000 Probably December 21st, 2012. Yeah, right.

01:50:32.000 That's probably the...

01:50:33.000 Only the people think that.

01:50:35.000 There's people that believe there's a planet out there and it's headed our way.

01:50:37.000 They can't see it yet, but it's headed our way.

01:50:40.000 And it's giant.

01:50:41.000 What's really scary is that that definitely can happen.

01:50:44.000 You know, planets get hit by planets all the time in the solar system.

01:50:47.000 Right.

01:50:47.000 Or in the universe, rather.

01:50:48.000 I mean, it hasn't happened...

01:50:49.000 We know it's happened in certain parts of our solar system.

01:50:52.000 Like, I think it's Uranus is spinning upside down.

01:50:55.000 Is it?

01:50:55.000 Yeah.

01:50:57.000 One of them, one of the planets is spinning, like the rings are going the wrong way, and they believe more than likely it's because it got fucking nailed by another planet. 0.94

01:51:06.000 Wow. 0.99

01:51:06.000 They just fly into each other and shit. 0.99

01:51:08.000 Oh, that's hilarious. 1.00

01:51:09.000 That happened to Earth.

01:51:11.000 Earth 1 and Earth 2, that's how the moon was created. 0.62

01:51:13.000 Earth 1, like 4 billion years ago, got hit with some Mars-sized planet and just slammed into us and knocked off a fucking slab, and that created the moon. 0.98

01:51:25.000 Useless Astronomy 101! 0.97

01:51:31.000 That was your last Thursday night? 0.88

01:51:33.000 Yes.

01:51:34.000 On the internet with this?

01:51:35.000 No, man. 1.00

01:51:36.000 I've been obsessed with all this shit forever. 0.99

01:51:38.000 That's what I love about you, dude. 1.00

01:51:39.000 You're able to retain all this shit. 0.99

01:51:42.000 I don't remember anything, man. 0.99

01:51:44.000 Well, you would if it was interesting to you. 0.99

01:51:45.000 This stuff is absolutely fascinating to me, so I retain all sorts of stupid shit when it comes to that. 0.97

01:51:51.000 I find it fascinating, but I'll get into an article and I'll read three sentences and then go make a sandwich and then forget what I was doing. 1.00

01:51:57.000 Get some alpha brain in your system, son.

01:52:01.000 It's scary.

01:52:02.000 Don't be scared of the alpha brain.

01:52:04.000 Get some shroom tech in your feet.

01:52:06.000 Get some alpha brain in your head.

01:52:07.000 When you're not working, do you sit around and watch documentaries?

01:52:10.000 Do you ever purposely sit down and go, okay, I'm going to watch Grizzly Man. 0.99

01:52:14.000 I'm going to get some fucking material out of this. 0.92

01:52:16.000 I don't sit down to get material. 0.99

01:52:18.000 No?

01:52:19.000 Never?

01:52:19.000 No.

01:52:20.000 Do you write?

01:52:21.000 When you write your stand-up, do you sit down and go, okay, I'm going to sit down and I'm going to write some stand-up?

01:52:25.000 Yeah.

01:52:25.000 You do?

01:52:26.000 Yeah.

01:52:26.000 Do you force yourself to do that?

01:52:28.000 Yeah.

01:52:28.000 How many times a week do you try to do it?

01:52:30.000 If it's good, it's five days a week.

01:52:33.000 Wow, good for you.

01:52:34.000 And it went from 45 minutes a day to an hour.

01:52:38.000 Because I felt like an hour was out of reach, but I could do 45 minutes.

01:52:43.000 And then a lot of times I would end up going an hour anyway.

01:52:45.000 So then I would just go for an hour. 0.84

01:52:47.000 But then when shit just starts getting busy, I don't sit down maybe once a week, you know? 0.60

01:52:53.000 I don't sit down and go, I'm going to go create all this stuff. 0.87

01:52:56.000 A lot of it's just like going over old stuff, tidying it up, making it funnier. 0.55

01:53:00.000 I have a bank of old shit that I'll open up a file. 0.81

01:53:03.000 I never did anything with that. 0.97

01:53:05.000 Is there anything there?

01:53:06.000 I got that.

01:53:06.000 I got the tape recorder that I always have.

01:53:09.000 Oh, you're still rocking a tape recorder.

01:53:10.000 It's digital.

01:53:10.000 It's great because I just dump it in and it's an MP3 and then I listen to it on my headphones or whatever.

01:53:15.000 I used to do that until I got an iPhone.

01:53:17.000 And the iPhone voice recorder app is so much better.

01:53:20.000 I can actually write in the name of what I thought of.

01:53:23.000 Yeah, I like that.

01:53:24.000 You know, Blue Smurf Dick. 0.98

01:53:26.000 Boom.

01:53:27.000 And then that's like, you look at it and you go right to the voice note.

01:53:31.000 And you can have Siri play it.

01:53:32.000 You can say, Siri, play me Blue Smurf Dick. 0.98

01:53:35.000 Yeah.

01:53:36.000 And it'll play it.

01:53:37.000 I just got the iPhone though, so I don't even...

01:53:40.000 I mean, I know about that stuff.

01:53:41.000 You just got it?

01:53:42.000 Are you a noob?

01:53:43.000 I'm a noob.

01:53:44.000 Voice Notes is in there.

01:53:45.000 It's free.

01:53:46.000 It's a free application.

01:53:46.000 No, I know.

01:53:47.000 But I mean, it's like I have this.

01:53:48.000 I spent the money for this.

01:53:49.000 I'm going to use it because it doesn't...

01:53:50.000 Throw that into the crowd when someone angers you.

01:53:52.000 Yeah.

01:53:54.000 The other cool thing about the iPhone is you can record all of your sets.

01:53:58.000 I record all my stats on the voice thing, and you just make sure that you put it on airplane mode so that it doesn't get a phone call.

01:54:04.000 Because if you get a phone call, it'll kill the recording.

01:54:07.000 Oh, really?

01:54:08.000 It stops it.

01:54:08.000 It stops it dead.

01:54:10.000 Use Evernote if you haven't started that.

01:54:12.000 That's awesome.

01:54:12.000 It's a program where you can type your notes up on your computer, and it automatically just syncs it with your...

01:54:17.000 Do you have to have MobileMe for that, though?

01:54:19.000 No, no.

01:54:19.000 This is a free app in the App Store, and Evernote's on Evernote.com, I think.

01:54:23.000 Yeah, does Evernote work with the new voice software on Apple?

01:54:28.000 Can you talk to Evernote?

01:54:29.000 Evernote has its own recorder built into the program, Evernote.

01:54:32.000 But it's a recording.

01:54:33.000 It's not a translation.

01:54:35.000 It's not like a transcription software.

01:54:37.000 No, I don't think so. 0.95

01:54:38.000 Because the droids have transcription shit built into different things. 0.97

01:54:42.000 Yeah, they have with Dragon, I think, but... 0.94

01:54:44.000 Or you can do it on Siri, you know?

01:54:45.000 Can you do it on...

01:54:46.000 But what I'm saying is, like, you don't know.

01:54:48.000 I don't know.

01:54:48.000 Someone out there will know.

01:54:49.000 But if you can, that would be a good move for Evernote.

01:54:52.000 Where you can talk to it and actually write it down.

01:54:54.000 Oh, yeah.

01:54:55.000 You know, instead of just recording it.

01:54:56.000 Yeah.

01:54:57.000 Because then it wouldn't be any better than Voice Recorder.

01:55:00.000 You know Neil Brennan?

01:55:01.000 Do you know Neil Brennan?

01:55:02.000 He had a great line about having something like a piece of paper or having a voice recorder when you're a comic.

01:55:09.000 And he goes, it's like I'm fishing for ideas and I catch one in my net.

01:55:12.000 And if I don't write it down, it's going to get away.

01:55:16.000 But I write it down and then I've caught it forever.

01:55:17.000 It's in my net.

01:55:18.000 I'm like, yeah, it is. 0.99

01:55:20.000 Sometimes it's just the discipline to sit down and write shit out. 0.99

01:55:24.000 Because the discipline to write shit out is such a different mindset than the mindset that comes up with something silly. 1.00

01:55:30.000 You'll come up with something hilarious and ridiculous, and that mindset is just like this shit-talking, good-time, fucking-around mindset. 0.99

01:55:37.000 And then the other mindset is, we might be able to make money off this here. 0.99

01:55:41.000 This little piece of gold we got here, so make sure we type this up, you know? 0.98

01:55:45.000 It's funny how they're both completely different mindsets, where it's like, we know a lot of funny people that never write their shit down, you know? 0.99

01:55:53.000 Mm-hmm. 0.98

01:55:55.000 I'm a better comic when I do that. 1.00

01:55:57.000 And when I don't, I suck a dick, man. 1.00

01:55:59.000 I always tell everybody that, man. 1.00

01:56:00.000 I was like, there's two jobs, man.

01:56:01.000 One job is performing.

01:56:03.000 There's another job is writing.

01:56:04.000 You have to do both. 0.98

01:56:05.000 If you just try to come up with only shit on stage and that's improving it on stage, you can do that. 0.98

01:56:10.000 And I've done that for years. 0.99

01:56:11.000 I did that for a long time.

01:56:13.000 I just only worked on my material on stage.

01:56:15.000 But this was like pre-internet days.

01:56:19.000 Much less people had access to your material. 0.99

01:56:22.000 If you want to continue to process new shit... 0.99

01:56:24.000 You come up with new good stuff. 0.99

01:56:26.000 You've got to write.

01:56:26.000 Yeah, that stuff is fine, but if you are sitting down to do it too, that's the way to go.

01:56:32.000 Yeah, it's both.

01:56:33.000 Because it doesn't exclude the ability to ad-lib on stage.

01:56:35.000 Kira Soltanovich only writes on stage, she told me.

01:56:38.000 You know who that is?

01:56:39.000 No, I don't know who that is.

01:56:39.000 It's just a comic.

01:56:40.000 Does she suck? 1.00

01:56:41.000 No, she's funny. 1.00

01:56:42.000 She's hilarious? 1.00

01:56:43.000 She's really funny.

01:56:44.000 But she only writes on stage.

01:56:46.000 And I was just like, I can't.

01:56:47.000 She goes, well, I just can't sit down and write.

01:56:49.000 And it's like, well, you've got to force yourself to do that.

01:56:51.000 Yeah, Ari used to do it that way. 1.00

01:56:53.000 Ari used to never write on stage.

01:56:54.000 I used to tell him, or only write on stage.

01:56:57.000 I used to tell him, did you sit down and write, man?

01:56:58.000 No, I write on stage.

01:57:00.000 I write on stage.

01:57:01.000 It's like, that's not writing, dude.

01:57:03.000 That's performing. 0.98

01:57:03.000 You're lazy. 0.98

01:57:04.000 But this is the same guy who didn't clean his sheets for six months. 0.76

01:57:07.000 Sure.

01:57:08.000 Literally.

01:57:08.000 But when you're doing a bit, like I'll do bits that I've done for years, and all of a sudden I come up with a new tag on stage.

01:57:14.000 Yes.

01:57:14.000 That new tag is only going to come out on stage, not when I'm sitting down in my underwear or whatever.

01:57:19.000 Yeah.

01:57:20.000 And isn't it weird that you forget the tag, and then you'll be back in the bit and go, oh, here it is.

01:57:24.000 It goes right here.

01:57:25.000 I've got gas.

01:57:27.000 Tag lines, for folks who don't know, they're like a little gift from the universe.

01:57:31.000 It's like, you'll be on stage, you got this perfect...

01:57:33.000 I've had jokes that I thought were...

01:57:34.000 I was like, I really like this joke.

01:57:36.000 And then you have a tagline, boom!

01:57:38.000 And it's like, oh, now this joke's a weapon.

01:57:40.000 Now this joke has just hit some critical mass.

01:57:43.000 Yeah, you're like, this joke is good, it's done.

01:57:44.000 No, it's not.

01:57:45.000 Never done. 0.92

01:57:46.000 Do you have a schedule, like what you try to do, like put out shit for a couple years, put it down on a CD, and then try to write a whole new schedule or a whole new act? 0.89

01:57:56.000 No, I want to get to that point. 0.93

01:57:58.000 Yeah, I've been recently doing that over the last few years.

01:58:01.000 My last few specials have done that, where I abandoned one and started another one.

01:58:06.000 It forces you to get after it.

01:58:08.000 Yeah. 0.94

01:58:08.000 Because right now, dude, I'm still doing shit for my second year of comedy. 0.94

01:58:13.000 How long had you been in when we met you?

01:58:16.000 When did we meet?

01:58:17.000 Like 2004, 2005?

01:58:20.000 Somewhere along there.

01:58:21.000 Had I done Last Comic yet?

01:58:22.000 No, no.

01:58:23.000 It was before Last Comic.

01:58:24.000 Then I think it was like 2005. It might have been 2004. It was during the dark Joey Diaz days.

01:58:31.000 Joey Diaz, I've told this story before.

01:58:34.000 I used to only bring one guy on the road with me.

01:58:37.000 Because, you know, I do like an hour and 20 minutes or whatever.

01:58:40.000 I only need one guy.

01:58:41.000 And, you know, it's fun traveling with one comic.

01:58:44.000 Sometimes when you're traveling with two comics, you've got to get organized.

01:58:47.000 We lost Brendan Walsh in Houston.

01:58:49.000 Perfect example.

01:58:50.000 We got up in the morning and Brendan Walsh wasn't awake. 0.99

01:58:53.000 He just wouldn't fucking wake up. 0.98

01:58:54.000 Called his room. 0.99

01:58:55.000 So we're trying to figure out how to get the fuck to the airport. 0.98

01:58:57.000 We had to abandon Brendan Walsh. 0.98

01:58:58.000 We had to leave him behind.

01:59:00.000 But with Joey, I just could never be sure he was going to show up.

01:59:03.000 I never knew.

01:59:04.000 I never knew.

01:59:05.000 And Phoenix was a perfect example.

01:59:07.000 He didn't show up. 0.99

01:59:08.000 He was supposed to go to Phoenix and he just fucking slipped in between the howling... 0.98

01:59:13.000 You did like a Thursday night show at Tempe. 0.97

01:59:16.000 Yeah, and he wasn't there. 0.96

01:59:17.000 It was so fucking weird. 0.86

01:59:18.000 Like after your show, they had some weird contest or whatever that Danny Murr asked me to do. 0.99

01:59:24.000 I don't even know what the fuck it was for. 0.94

01:59:26.000 And so the whole crowd stayed. 0.99

01:59:29.000 You like sold out Thursday night.

01:59:30.000 The whole crowd stayed. 1.00

01:59:32.000 And the first comic who went up just ate dog shit. 0.99

01:59:35.000 And I don't even know who she was. 0.99

01:59:36.000 I mean, just some horrible comic.

01:59:38.000 And like half the crowd gets up and walks out.

01:59:40.000 And I was like, and I'm last. 0.99

01:59:42.000 I'm like, fuck this. 0.99

01:59:44.000 And then I remember I saw you sit down to eat a meal after the show, and you're sitting there, and you were even turning to Dan, and you're like, what is this show going on? 1.00

01:59:52.000 I'm like, I finished the show, now there's another show, and this sucks.

01:59:56.000 The same audience?

01:59:57.000 Yeah, and everyone's walking up and leaving, and I got back up, and there was like 12 people in the crowd, and I was like... 0.99

02:00:02.000 Shit. 0.99

02:00:03.000 I was so pissed. 1.00

02:00:03.000 I didn't give a fuck anymore. 1.00

02:00:05.000 So I started doing my jokes. 0.99

02:00:07.000 People were laughing, but I heard you laughing the loudest from the back.

02:00:10.000 I was like, oh, well, this was a victory for tonight.

02:00:12.000 And then you would ask me, you're like, hey, can you open for me the rest of the weekend?

02:00:16.000 Because Joey Diaz isn't here.

02:00:19.000 Yeah, that's how we met.

02:00:20.000 It was like 2004, but that was maybe my first show was February of 2003. Yeah.

02:00:27.000 Oh, so you were really recent.

02:00:29.000 I was fresh, man.

02:00:30.000 Yeah, you were really fresh.

02:00:31.000 I think you had said you had just been doing it a year.

02:00:33.000 I had like a tight seven, which was good, you know?

02:00:36.000 You did a great job, man.

02:00:37.000 For someone who never performed in that sort of a situation on a weekend, a paid show.

02:00:44.000 It's a difference.

02:00:44.000 A paid show is a big difference.

02:00:46.000 Yeah, when there's money on the table.

02:00:48.000 They go, who's this guy?

02:00:50.000 When does Joey Diaz get up there?

02:00:52.000 Right.

02:00:52.000 And then they find out that Joey Diaz, I ain't got a lot of your dog in Neverless Vegas.

02:00:58.000 This is one of the influences.

02:01:00.000 He did it a bunch of times.

02:01:01.000 But it was back in the dark days.

02:01:03.000 Joey's very reliable now. 0.87

02:01:04.000 He scares the shit out of me, man.

02:01:05.000 He's awesome. 0.82

02:01:06.000 I love him, but he scares the shit out of me.

02:01:07.000 I did shows in Tucson with him, and I was so afraid to talk to him.

02:01:10.000 Why?

02:01:12.000 He's a great guy.

02:01:13.000 Well, because he's just rough, and he's not bad aggressive, but he's just in your face a little bit.

02:01:18.000 He gets mad at me.

02:01:19.000 He'll get mad at me.

02:01:20.000 What was the last thing he got mad at me for?

02:01:21.000 Oh, Susquehanna weed.

02:01:23.000 He didn't like my weed. 0.99

02:01:24.000 We fucked up, and someone told me you should grind your weed in a coffee grinder. 0.98

02:01:28.000 And I'm like, ah, that seems like it would make sense. 0.99

02:01:31.000 You just, like, it would be really quick, right?

02:01:33.000 But when you do that, it makes it way too fine.

02:01:36.000 And it packed these joints so thick, you literally couldn't inhale through them.

02:01:40.000 So you couldn't get high.

02:01:41.000 It was like, we figured it out.

02:01:42.000 We figured it after a while.

02:01:43.000 You have to use, like, a regular grinder.

02:01:44.000 You can't use a coffee grinder.

02:01:45.000 It's just too much.

02:01:46.000 So we did it with Joey, and he got so mad. 0.99

02:01:48.000 He was like, give me this fucking Susquehanna weed! 0.99

02:01:51.000 Susquehanna, we thought he was talking about Hannah Montana, and it turns out that Susquehanna, because that's what he'll say, you know? 0.99

02:01:57.000 Right.

02:01:58.000 Like, he wouldn't call you Josh McDermott. 0.99

02:02:00.000 He would call you, fucking, you know, I like that guy, that Josh McDougal, he's fucking hilarious. 0.98

02:02:05.000 And he would come up with just a subtle, and I think he does it a little bit on purpose, you know, just a subtle fuck up in the way you need. 0.99

02:02:12.000 He still calls Nick Swanson. 0.70

02:02:14.000 Yeah, Nick Swanson, he calls Nick Swanson. 1.00

02:02:16.000 You know, he goes, listen, Brian Redman, I'm tired of your bullshit. 0.98

02:02:22.000 Yeah, but he's a great guy. 0.99

02:02:25.000 He's a national treasure to me.

02:02:27.000 Guys like that, it's just like, how do you create a guy like that?

02:02:30.000 You could throw a million people through life and you will never get a Joey Diaz. 0.99

02:02:35.000 It's a rare combination of events that have to take place to get a guy that's just that comical and doesn't give a fuck. 0.98

02:02:42.000 That's an original human. 0.97

02:02:43.000 It's so hard for someone to really truly be themselves.

02:02:46.000 It's a very difficult thing that we have in this life, this want for self-acceptance and sex and money and poor Brian can't get on Wikipedia.

02:02:55.000 He gets upset about that. 0.99

02:02:57.000 Very few people in this world learn how to just not give a fuck. 1.00

02:03:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:03:01.000 Not give a fuck. 1.00

02:03:03.000 And Joey doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

02:03:04.000 Joey just dears. 1.00

02:03:05.000 Listen, dog.

02:03:05.000 If I'm on Wikipedia, I'm on Wikipedia.

02:03:08.000 Whatever, dog. 0.99

02:03:08.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:03:09.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:03:10.000 I ain't got time for that. 0.99

02:03:11.000 You know what I'm on?

02:03:12.000 I'm on JoeyCocoDiaz.com.

02:03:14.000 Go hit me up on Facebook, Twitter.

02:03:16.000 Check yourself before you wreck yourself. 1.00

02:03:18.000 Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health. 1.00

02:03:22.000 Are you going to any Halloween parties this year that you have to dress up for? 1.00

02:03:24.000 Yes, and unfortunately, I took my three-and-a-half-year-old to the Halloween store.

02:03:28.000 It's her idea.

02:03:30.000 Like, Daddy, we have to get you a costume.

02:03:31.000 We have to get you a costume.

02:03:32.000 All right, let's do it.

02:03:33.000 Let's do it. 0.99

02:03:33.000 So she picked out this really fucking scary mask. 0.99

02:03:36.000 I would go get it for you guys, but it's upstairs. 0.99

02:03:38.000 It's a really scary zombie mask.

02:03:40.000 I'm like, oh, I'm going to be a zombie.

02:03:42.000 But I showed it to the one-year-old, and the one-year-old just started shaking her head.

02:03:47.000 I'm like, oh, man.

02:03:48.000 Throwing that away.

02:03:49.000 I can't wear it.

02:03:50.000 And so then I said, well, I'll just play with it with the three and a half year old.

02:03:53.000 But when I put it on, take it off, daddy.

02:03:55.000 Take it off.

02:03:55.000 I got to take it off.

02:03:56.000 I'm like, okay, I'm taking it off.

02:03:58.000 And she's like, okay, put it on again.

02:03:59.000 And I put it on again.

02:04:00.000 She says, no, no, no.

02:04:01.000 Take it off.

02:04:01.000 It's too scary.

02:04:03.000 It's too scary. 0.99

02:04:04.000 So I fucked up. 0.99

02:04:05.000 That was my mom, dude. 0.99

02:04:07.000 She's like the female Andy Kaufman, right? 0.96

02:04:09.000 She would put these ugly, hideous masks on that looked like you dumped acid on their face and everything. 1.00

02:04:15.000 Oh my god, your mom would do that? 1.00

02:04:16.000 Yeah, dude, my mom was fucking crazy, right? 0.99

02:04:18.000 So we'd come home from school and she'd be sitting on the porch wrapped up in a blanket and a hat with that mask on. 0.98

02:04:24.000 And we'd be like, hey mom.

02:04:25.000 She'd be like, oh my god. 0.95

02:04:26.000 Just coming after it, like eight years old, just scaring the shit out of us.

02:04:29.000 That's awesome.

02:04:30.000 Why did your mom want to scare you so bad? 1.00

02:04:32.000 I don't know, man.

02:04:34.000 I think she wanted to be a comic, but she just never really did anything about it.

02:04:39.000 Dude, she's the funniest person I know.

02:04:42.000 For us, for someone who's done comedy, isn't it a sad, sad thing when you meet someone who really should be a comic and they're not doing it?

02:04:51.000 We've all met them, right?

02:04:52.000 Right, absolutely.

02:04:54.000 Some of the funniest people I know...

02:04:55.000 Are not comedians.

02:04:57.000 Not tied to the entertainment industry at all.

02:04:59.000 Yeah, I've met some hilarious regular people.

02:05:02.000 Hilarious. 1.00

02:05:02.000 My mom would do some crazy, crazy dark shit. 1.00

02:05:05.000 Like when she was nine months pregnant with my little brother. 0.99

02:05:08.000 I'm like four or five years old and she says, I did something bad.

02:05:12.000 And she's like, come into the kitchen.

02:05:13.000 You're getting punished.

02:05:14.000 I go into the kitchen.

02:05:15.000 She sits down on a stool and she goes, listen, how do you want me to punish you?

02:05:19.000 I'm like, I don't know.

02:05:19.000 I don't know.

02:05:20.000 She goes, well, I'm going to kill your little brother. 1.00

02:05:21.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:05:22.000 Like, she told me this at five years old.

02:05:24.000 She sat on a stool, lifted her stomach, had a retractable knife, which I didn't know was retractable, and started jamming it into her stomach, going, ah! 1.00

02:05:32.000 Oh my god!

02:05:34.000 I'm like, oh my god!

02:05:35.000 You know? 1.00

02:05:36.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:05:37.000 That was the childhood I grew up in. 1.00

02:05:38.000 Damn. 1.00

02:05:39.000 Dude, what the fuck? 1.00

02:05:40.000 Like that type of shit. 1.00

02:05:41.000 That's crazy. 1.00

02:05:42.000 So then, of course, you know, she'd pull her, she'd go, this is a retractable knife, and knowing my mom, she would do that shit all the time, but I'd be like, oh, that's hilarious. 0.99

02:05:48.000 That's like the mother version of those cops that made those kids sit in the corner. 1.00

02:05:53.000 That's like the mother version of that. 0.99

02:05:54.000 Your mother's a criminal. 1.00

02:05:55.000 It sounds like growing up in the family guy house. 0.99

02:05:57.000 Oh my god.

02:06:00.000 Yeah, that sounded like so cartoonish.

02:06:02.000 That's crazy.

02:06:02.000 Is your mom still around?

02:06:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:06:04.000 Is she still crazy as fuck? 1.00

02:06:05.000 You want to get revenge? 1.00

02:06:06.000 We could do something really cool.

02:06:07.000 Well, don't listen to him.

02:06:08.000 He'll get you locked up in jail.

02:06:09.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:06:10.000 You have a fine career ahead of you.

02:06:11.000 You're an excellent stand-up comic.

02:06:12.000 Thank you. 0.99

02:06:12.000 I got the shit sprayed. 0.99

02:06:14.000 It's called Liquid Ass. 1.00

02:06:14.000 Don't do it. 1.00

02:06:15.000 It's awesome.

02:06:15.000 Don't do it.

02:06:15.000 I love my mom.

02:06:16.000 Next thing you know, someone's dead hanging from a tree.

02:06:18.000 That's how it goes.

02:06:19.000 I don't resent her for any of this stuff, you know?

02:06:21.000 Well, it made you probably funny.

02:06:22.000 It's one of the reasons why you're so irreverent, you know?

02:06:25.000 You have such a funny sense of humor, maybe.

02:06:27.000 No, that's absolutely what it is. 0.99

02:06:29.000 But now that she had six kids, and then everybody's got grandkids and everything, so she starts to fuck with the grandkids a little bit. 0.99

02:06:38.000 Oh my god! 1.00

02:06:38.000 This woman has to be stopped. 1.00

02:06:41.000 Oh my god!

02:06:42.000 My brothers and sisters, we're all kind of onto her, so we're a little more protective.

02:06:47.000 Oh my god!

02:06:47.000 So, like, my sister had a kid, like, and I don't know, he was like eight months old or whatever, he was in her bedroom, like, with pillows around him on the bed so he wouldn't roll off or whatever, and we were just sitting around, and my sister-in-law goes, where's Judy?

02:07:01.000 And you hear her from the bedroom, she goes, I'm not doing anything, which is scary shit, because my mom's, like, always doing something, and we went back there, and she was just sitting on the bed with the baby, and we don't know what the fuck was going on. 0.90

02:07:13.000 What? 0.96

02:07:14.000 We don't think she was doing anything, but you still don't know with her because she was always...

02:07:18.000 What are you worried about?

02:07:19.000 What do you think she would do?

02:07:20.000 I don't know.

02:07:21.000 I mean, it was never like...

02:07:23.000 Dangerous?

02:07:23.000 It was never dangerous.

02:07:25.000 It was never like... 0.53

02:07:25.000 She's really crazy. 0.53

02:07:27.000 Fun crazy. 0.91

02:07:28.000 Not like crazy like we're not going to let you be around the kids.

02:07:32.000 That's kind of crazy, but you were worried that she was in there alone with the baby.

02:07:36.000 Well, yeah, well, I think it was more like, well, where is she?

02:07:38.000 Why are we all at her house and sitting in her living room and she's not here?

02:07:41.000 Yeah, but when someone says, I'm not doing anything... 0.99

02:07:43.000 I'm not doing anything, which may have just been to fuck with us. 0.99

02:07:45.000 Like, she would do that, too. 0.99

02:07:47.000 Right, I get it, yeah.

02:07:48.000 Like, it's not bad crazy.

02:07:49.000 I mean, it's a baby like a trumpet, right?

02:07:51.000 Obviously, stabbing your stomach for your five-year-old was probably a poor choice in judgment, but...

02:07:56.000 I knew my mom well enough at that point that I was like, oh, she's just kidding around once she told me. 0.75

02:08:01.000 That's so crazy.

02:08:04.000 I'd come home from school and she'd pop some blood capsules in her mouth and lay on the sidewalk or in the middle of the way and I'd come home.

02:08:10.000 What?

02:08:11.000 But we'd just step over and be like, get up, mom.

02:08:13.000 She was trying to get us to think that she passed out or something.

02:08:17.000 Oh my god, but what if she actually did? 1.00

02:08:19.000 Again, it's just like that fucking shitty sheriff. 1.00

02:08:21.000 Yeah, right. 1.00

02:08:23.000 Your mom cried wolf every day.

02:08:25.000 Yeah, every day. 1.00

02:08:26.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:08:27.000 Fucked with us, man. 1.00

02:08:28.000 Wow, but look. 0.99

02:08:28.000 Look at the sense of humor you got out of it. 0.99

02:08:30.000 Oh, she loves it.

02:08:31.000 She's milking it, too, with her friends.

02:08:33.000 That you're a comic now?

02:08:33.000 My son's a comic.

02:08:35.000 Yeah, I told you I was funny.

02:08:36.000 I got funny genes.

02:08:37.000 She's all over Facebook.

02:08:38.000 She just knocked it off. 0.96

02:08:40.000 She's all over Facebook? 0.51

02:08:41.000 Yeah.

02:08:44.000 It's upsetting me.

02:08:46.000 The last time I saw a mom that was into her son's career, it was Stanhope's mom. 0.86

02:08:52.000 Stanhope's mom was pretty fucking funny. 1.00

02:08:54.000 She was hilarious. 0.99

02:08:55.000 She used to review porn for us on the Man Show. 0.86

02:08:57.000 Stanhope's mom was hilarious. 0.99

02:08:59.000 She was a character, man. 0.98

02:09:02.000 Really fucking funny lady. 0.99

02:09:04.000 Well, my mom's the type of woman that if I ever wanted her to do bits and everything, she would, but, you know, she fucked with us a lot, man. 1.00

02:09:14.000 I mean, I got stories, just tons of stupid shit that she would do. 1.00

02:09:17.000 That's how you become a comic, I guess, though, right? 1.00

02:09:19.000 I mean, I don't think you become a comic, well, you can't say you never know.

02:09:24.000 You really, there's no clear path.

02:09:25.000 It could be just someone has a sense of humor.

02:09:28.000 And regardless of how nice their family was where they grew up.

02:09:31.000 I think guys with seemingly perfect lives who have become comics and they're funny. 0.97

02:09:35.000 But if your childhood and upbringing was a little fucked up, that's a mine for you. 0.98

02:09:40.000 Mine. 1.00

02:09:40.000 Gold mine. 1.00

02:09:41.000 I haven't really talked about my mom on stage much just because I don't want to blow it too early.

02:09:46.000 Because, you know, like, the longer you do comedy, the funnier you become, and you kind of understand your point of view a little bit more. 0.94

02:09:53.000 I know that there's such great shit there, I don't want to blow it early. 0.98

02:09:56.000 Dude, what you just told us on stage. 0.99

02:09:57.000 You don't think that could be hilarious on a show, or telling what you just told us on stage?

02:10:01.000 Yeah.

02:10:02.000 The knife, have you ever talked about that on stage?

02:10:03.000 A little bit, and people didn't laugh, so that may have scared me away, too.

02:10:06.000 It's like, I know this is great, but I... Dude, it's hilarious.

02:10:09.000 The problem is people are more horrified than finding it funny.

02:10:13.000 Of course.

02:10:13.000 But your sense of humor is a little warped that you found it hilarious.

02:10:17.000 And then you went, well, that's fucked up. 0.99

02:10:18.000 You just have to relieve them of that. 0.99

02:10:20.000 You have to somehow or another relieve them of that.

02:10:22.000 Yeah, add fake ketchup instead of blood and dipping fries into it. 1.00

02:10:26.000 Okay, those motherfuckers. 1.00

02:10:27.000 I'm not even listening. 1.00

02:10:30.000 Silly, silly, silly boy. 0.99

02:10:32.000 So if anybody wants to find Josh, Josh is a fine stand-up comic. 1.00

02:10:37.000 He travels all over the place.

02:10:38.000 And your TV show is...

02:10:40.000 Retired at 35. We just got an air date.

02:10:43.000 Our second season starts in March.

02:10:46.000 And what network is it on?

02:10:48.000 TV Land.

02:10:49.000 It's a small cable network owned by MTV. That's cool.

02:10:52.000 I love that channel.

02:10:53.000 It's what I go to sleep with.

02:10:54.000 It's great, too.

02:10:54.000 They do reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.

02:10:57.000 Lucy.

02:10:58.000 Lucy, yeah.

02:10:59.000 Cosby Show.

02:11:00.000 You ever watch old Lucy's?

02:11:01.000 They're great.

02:11:02.000 You were a radio DJ for a while?

02:11:05.000 Yeah.

02:11:05.000 Where at?

02:11:06.000 In Phoenix.

02:11:06.000 In Phoenix, Arizona?

02:11:07.000 Did I ever tell you how to...

02:11:08.000 Do we got time?

02:11:09.000 Did I ever tell you how I started with that?

02:11:11.000 No.

02:11:11.000 So I was like 14 years old.

02:11:13.000 Do you remember the Tim and Willie show in Phoenix?

02:11:16.000 Do you remember radio shows at all?

02:11:17.000 Yes.

02:11:17.000 Brian remembers.

02:11:18.000 So that was the show I worked for.

02:11:20.000 Tim and Willie.

02:11:21.000 It's country music.

02:11:21.000 Oh, okay.

02:11:22.000 So anyway...

02:11:23.000 I probably did their show.

02:11:24.000 I did a lot of different shows.

02:11:24.000 Yeah, you did our show a lot.

02:11:27.000 But...

02:11:27.000 I did?

02:11:28.000 Every time we...

02:11:28.000 What is it that I did with you?

02:11:29.000 Uh-huh.

02:11:31.000 I was the producer.

02:11:32.000 They were one of the shows that we would go to every time we went there.

02:11:33.000 Oh, right, right.

02:11:34.000 And Tim, we ran into Tim at the mall one day.

02:11:36.000 Yeah.

02:11:37.000 Wandered around.

02:11:37.000 Yeah.

02:11:37.000 Super cool guys.

02:11:39.000 Yeah, they're great.

02:11:39.000 Okay.

02:11:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:11:40.000 So I was like 14 years old and it was right when that song Achy Breaky Heart was out and people were starting to make fun of it.

02:11:47.000 You know the Billy Ray Cyrus song?

02:11:49.000 Mm-hmm.

02:11:50.000 You know what I'm talking about?

02:11:50.000 Achy Breaky Heart.

02:11:51.000 Yeah.

02:11:51.000 So I would listen to their show because I thought they just had a funny radio show, not necessarily because of the country music.

02:11:57.000 I could give a shit. 0.99

02:11:58.000 So one day I called up And I'm 14 years old and I requested Achy Breaky Heart, but I did a funny voice. 0.99

02:12:03.000 I said, hello, my name is Kako.

02:12:05.000 Can you play Achy Breaky Heart? 0.99

02:12:07.000 And they're like, what the fuck is your name? 0.99

02:12:09.000 And I said, oh, it's Kako. 0.99

02:12:10.000 And they started asking me about it.

02:12:11.000 Well, I hadn't...

02:12:12.000 Thought of like a backstory and all this stuff.

02:12:15.000 So I'm like making it up on the fly.

02:12:16.000 I'm like, well, I'm Filipino.

02:12:19.000 I just moved to America.

02:12:21.000 I love Vicky Breaky Heart.

02:12:22.000 And they're like, well, sing it for us.

02:12:23.000 So I started singing it for them.

02:12:25.000 And like, they loved it.

02:12:27.000 They're like, hey, call us back anytime, Kako.

02:12:29.000 It was great. 0.99

02:12:29.000 So I'd call back every fucking day. 0.99

02:12:31.000 Ah! 0.99

02:12:32.000 That's awesome!

02:12:32.000 And I became this mini-celebrity on their show as Kako, which they didn't know was a fake guy.

02:12:40.000 The story I told them, in the split second where I was coming up with this backstory, I said I was born in England and moved to the Philippines when I was two years old because my father was in the Royal Air Force.

02:12:52.000 That way I thought, if I ever meet them, that will be the justification as to why I'm a white guy.

02:12:57.000 Oh, that's hilarious!

02:12:58.000 So you were going to show up a white guy with a Filipino accent?

02:13:01.000 Yeah.

02:13:01.000 Oh my god, that's brilliant.

02:13:03.000 So they were like, oh yeah, Kako, call us anytime! 1.00

02:13:07.000 And they would play the fucking phone calls. 0.98

02:13:08.000 Then I started calling up as a guy named Josh, and I'm like, dude, I'm Kako's biggest fan. 0.99

02:13:12.000 Ha ha! 0.86

02:13:13.000 Could you play his phone call from yesterday?

02:13:15.000 So I was like marketing myself and everything.

02:13:17.000 That's genius.

02:13:18.000 So they would do these little concerts and like Garth Brooks would come into town and they would introduce Garth Brooks on stage and they would invite some of the players from the radio show out and then, you know, Kako was like this big star and he would come out there. 0.99

02:13:30.000 In fact, the first time I met them, I walked into the studio and they just looked at me and they're like, what the fuck? 0.97

02:13:35.000 And they're like, okay, you can drop the accent now. 0.99

02:13:37.000 And I'm like, what are you talking about?

02:13:38.000 I never broke character, dude.

02:13:42.000 Really?

02:13:42.000 Never broke character.

02:13:44.000 And this whole bit came about how I was looking for a job.

02:13:47.000 I was in high school and they were trying to find me a job. 0.95

02:13:50.000 And then they would find me these jobs, but I couldn't go to the job because I was fucking in high school. 0.70

02:13:55.000 And they're like, hey, you know, so they call me, like, Kako, yeah, you never showed up for your job. 0.93

02:14:00.000 I'm like, well, I slept in, you know.

02:14:03.000 That's hilarious.

02:14:04.000 So I had, like, ten different characters going on on the show, and they didn't know it was all from one guy.

02:14:08.000 And then they said, at one point, they were like, Kako, you should work down here, man. 0.76

02:14:12.000 And that's when I got scared.

02:14:14.000 And I was like, oh, this is my real voice.

02:14:17.000 Yeah.

02:14:19.000 And their jaws dropped.

02:14:20.000 I thought I was going to get arrested or something.

02:14:22.000 And they're like, dude, you have to work down here.

02:14:25.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

02:14:26.000 So that's how I got the job with them.

02:14:28.000 And so from, gosh, what was that?

02:14:31.000 1993 until 2007, I worked for them.

02:14:35.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:14:36.000 That's amazing!

02:14:37.000 We were syndicated for a while.

02:14:38.000 You were there for 14 years?

02:14:39.000 Yep. 1.00

02:14:40.000 Holy shit! 1.00

02:14:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:14:43.000 We were syndicated for a while.

02:14:44.000 I was the producer for that, and I would travel the country.

02:14:47.000 So did we meet when I came in to do it?

02:14:48.000 Because I never really remember sitting down and talking to you until I saw you on stage.

02:14:53.000 Yeah, we met.

02:14:53.000 I met you before that.

02:14:54.000 Was it just like a high, walking through the hallway?

02:14:57.000 Yeah, it was just like, hey, can I get you some water? 0.99

02:14:58.000 And we're going on the air in 10 minutes, or some of that bullshit. 0.97

02:15:01.000 I probably remember this. 0.95

02:15:03.000 Because I must have remembered it when I first saw you do stand-up.

02:15:06.000 Because I'm remembering it now.

02:15:08.000 I got a glimmer of it now.

02:15:09.000 I think you would ask someone from the club, you were like, hey, who was that blonde fat kid with the glasses who was funny last night?

02:15:17.000 I wanted him to open for me.

02:15:18.000 And they're like, oh, we'll see him tomorrow morning.

02:15:20.000 And you probably came in and did our show, and then you said, hey, do you want to open the rest of the week?

02:15:23.000 It was something like that.

02:15:24.000 It might have been.

02:15:25.000 It might have been that.

02:15:26.000 Yeah.

02:15:26.000 That was so long ago.

02:15:28.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

02:15:29.000 Time flies, man. 0.99

02:15:30.000 But we would have all the comics on, and I've met so many people, and I don't ever expect anyone to remember who the fuck I was. 0.96

02:15:36.000 That must have been a cool job. 0.97

02:15:38.000 It was great.

02:15:39.000 Thinking about doing stand-up.

02:15:41.000 Well, it started to suck, and that's why I started doing stand-up, because we got bought out by Clear Channel.

02:15:47.000 There it is.

02:15:49.000 And that just made me...

02:15:51.000 What happened?

02:15:52.000 They sucked the fun out of it, man.

02:15:54.000 What'd they do?

02:15:55.000 Just all the budget cuts.

02:15:58.000 My mind just works in being funny.

02:16:00.000 I just want to be funny.

02:16:01.000 And then they were just like, well, we need you to start figuring out ways we can sell advertising time. 0.99

02:16:06.000 And I'm like, I'm a fucking writer and a producer. 0.99

02:16:08.000 Talk to the salespeople. 0.99

02:16:10.000 It just made the show not fun.

02:16:13.000 We started to have...

02:16:14.000 They wanted you to find?

02:16:15.000 Well, yeah, it was like, well, what kind of bits can we do that we can sell to an advertiser, to this tire company?

02:16:21.000 What?

02:16:22.000 So this tire company, we've got this advertiser, and they want to buy airtime with us, but they only want to do it on the morning show.

02:16:27.000 They're like, so can you figure out a funny bit we can incorporate tires into?

02:16:31.000 I'm like, no. 1.00

02:16:32.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:16:34.000 It's like weird shit like that. 1.00

02:16:35.000 And I'm just like, this is not fun. 1.00

02:16:37.000 That's a dumb way to approach it.

02:16:38.000 They should say, just make it the funniest thing possible and we'll sell regular ads. 0.98

02:16:41.000 Go! 0.95

02:16:42.000 Just be nutty. 0.84

02:16:43.000 Our radio station was owned by Buck Owens.

02:16:45.000 You know who Buck Owens is?

02:16:46.000 Country star.

02:16:46.000 Yeah.

02:16:47.000 Legendary dude.

02:16:48.000 And he owned like two or three radio stations and we were one of them.

02:16:51.000 So we were like the focus of that company. 0.99

02:16:55.000 When Clear Channel came in, they got hundreds of stations that could give a shit about us. 0.85

02:16:59.000 And it just stopped being fun, so I had a buddy who started doing stand-up, and I was writing jokes for him, and then I'm like, I'll give this a shot. 0.97

02:17:06.000 And it was more of an outlet for me because I'd have to censor myself on the air.

02:17:10.000 They got this guy, I don't remember his name, but he was like the CEO or something.

02:17:14.000 And he was always like, I think he was listening to a 50 Cent song.

02:17:18.000 And his daughter was in the car and he had to turn it down.

02:17:21.000 He's like, we're censoring everything.

02:17:24.000 Clear Channel really started putting their thumb on everything. 0.99

02:17:27.000 So much shit was edited. 1.00

02:17:28.000 Fucking 50 Cent. 1.00

02:17:29.000 All that stuff. 1.00

02:17:30.000 50 Cent and white girls. 1.00

02:17:32.000 Janet Jackson, 50 Cent and white girls.

02:17:34.000 Yeah.

02:17:34.000 Just a big mess.

02:17:35.000 You need a podcast.

02:17:38.000 100%.

02:17:38.000 Oh, 100%.

02:17:39.000 Ryan, what are you going to do for me, man?

02:17:40.000 I'll get you that Wikipedia page.

02:17:42.000 Well, listen, man.

02:17:43.000 If you sign up on The Desk Squad and be a part of his podcast network, they right now are number seven.

02:17:49.000 There's a number seven.

02:17:50.000 That's what?

02:17:50.000 Yes, right now.

02:17:51.000 He's in the top ten.

02:17:53.000 That's great, man.

02:17:55.000 Well, we started doing this thing live at the Ice House.

02:17:57.000 And we aired one half of it on mine and one half of it on his. 0.99

02:18:02.000 And when we put one half of it on his, his shit jumped all the way up. 0.99

02:18:05.000 Oh, number six! 0.99

02:18:06.000 He's number six right now. 1.00

02:18:07.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

02:18:10.000 Automatically, you're going to get seen or listened to by hundreds of thousands of people that you wouldn't normally do. 0.99

02:18:16.000 So we'll just do it on his.

02:18:18.000 Dude, you're perfect for this.

02:18:20.000 You've got great stories. 1.00

02:18:21.000 You're a fucking smart guy. 1.00

02:18:23.000 It'll help your stand-up. 1.00

02:18:25.000 It's easy as fuck to do. 0.99

02:18:27.000 And you could probably set it up where you could do it from your own fucking house and just get Brian in the file. 0.99

02:18:32.000 Not hard. 0.99

02:18:32.000 No. 0.99

02:18:34.000 You've got to come over to my house now?

02:18:36.000 No, you have to come to my house.

02:18:37.000 Why are you making him come over to your house? 0.98

02:18:38.000 Dude, I'm on a TV show, man.

02:18:39.000 I don't have to go to your house.

02:18:43.000 I think it's your own show, too, right?

02:18:45.000 Well, I mean, that's what I tell people.

02:18:47.000 No, I'm not.

02:18:47.000 Who's the star?

02:18:48.000 George Segal.

02:18:49.000 Oh, the old dude?

02:18:50.000 Yeah, from Just Shoot Me.

02:18:51.000 Oh, that guy's a great actor.

02:18:52.000 Jessica Walter, the old man.

02:18:53.000 The old man.

02:18:54.000 The old woman from Arrested Development.

02:18:55.000 Someone else is doing something with him.

02:18:56.000 I like her.

02:18:57.000 She's cute. 0.95

02:19:00.000 I think we talked about this Friday night at the Ice House.

02:19:04.000 Was that what it was?

02:19:04.000 Oh, that's what it was.

02:19:05.000 And we talked about it on the actual Live at the Ice House podcast.

02:19:09.000 So that one, that one Live at the Ice House podcast, that's what did it.

02:19:12.000 So get in with us, son!

02:19:14.000 Come on, dude.

02:19:15.000 Every comic needs this, man.

02:19:17.000 Every comic. 0.98

02:19:19.000 It's like having your own radio station with no fucking clear channel. 1.00

02:19:22.000 Not one cunt to step in and tell you. 1.00

02:19:25.000 There's no way I would be able to say cunt this much on a radio station as many times as I said it. 1.00

02:19:29.000 Juicy black cunt. 1.00

02:19:30.000 I've tallied it only because it's habit. 1.00

02:19:32.000 I've tallied you and you've said it 14 times, but that's only because it's out of habit.

02:19:36.000 Do you do it out of habit because of a radio career?

02:19:38.000 Yeah.

02:19:38.000 Because of years?

02:19:39.000 Yeah.

02:19:39.000 Wow.

02:19:39.000 I said cunt 14?

02:19:41.000 15. 15 now. 1.00

02:19:42.000 Wow.

02:19:42.000 Nice!

02:19:43.000 Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. 1.00

02:19:44.000 Some guy's going to go back and check now. 1.00

02:19:45.000 Cunt's a beautiful word. 1.00

02:19:48.000 The end. 1.00

02:19:48.000 The end of this fucking podcast. 1.00

02:19:51.000 Thank you to Josh McDermott. 1.00

02:19:53.000 Hilarious stand-up comic.

02:19:55.000 My friend for many a year now.

02:19:56.000 And please follow him on Twitter.

02:19:58.000 It's Josh McDermott.

02:19:59.000 D-E-R-M-I-T-T. That's Mick D-E-R-M-I-T-T. Follow him on Twitter.

02:20:06.000 And thank you to The Fleshlight.

02:20:08.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:20:15.000 Thank you also to Onnit.com. 0.63

02:20:18.000 O-N-N-I-T. Onnit! 1.00

02:20:19.000 Makers of Alpha Brain and New Mood.

02:20:23.000 New Mood is a 5-HTP mood enhancing supplement.

02:20:27.000 And we always say, by the way, if you say, oh, this stuff's expensive.

02:20:30.000 I understand if you're on a budget.

02:20:32.000 All the ingredients are clearly listed online.

02:20:35.000 If you would like, please duplicate them yourself.

02:20:39.000 Go to a discount vitamin store.

02:20:41.000 Get all the ingredients.

02:20:42.000 Put it together yourself.

02:20:43.000 Tell me that you saved money and that you're happy with the results and I'll be just as happy. 0.99

02:20:47.000 I fucking swear to God.

02:20:48.000 But if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the On It link and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save 10% off of the Alpha Brain supplement that I will be giving Josh McDermott along with a free fleshlight as he leaves tonight. 0.96

02:21:01.000 Will your girl...

02:21:02.000 Do you have a steady woman in your life? 0.65

02:21:04.000 Yes. 1.00

02:21:05.000 Do you think that she would be offended by this new intruder, this rubber vagina? 1.00

02:21:09.000 I would not be offended. 0.99

02:21:11.000 We'll see.

02:21:12.000 Thank you, Brian. 0.99

02:21:14.000 This fucking show's over. 0.98

02:21:15.000 Alright, we'll see you guys on Thursday. 0.99

02:21:17.000 Probably do a Thursday afternoon show.

02:21:19.000 Are we going to do Eliza?

02:21:21.000 She's recording her show still, but she's coming up soon.

02:21:24.000 Who are we going to do on Thursday?

02:21:25.000 We're doing so many on Thursday.

02:21:26.000 Who are we doing?

02:21:27.000 I'll tell you.

02:21:28.000 We'll figure it out. 1.00

02:21:29.000 Thursday, bitches. 1.00

02:21:30.000 It's a 3-3-3 podcast week! 0.96

02:21:33.000 And this is UFC weekend, too, so we'll probably talk about that on Thursday, too.

02:21:37.000 Maybe we'll get Joe Diaz in here.

02:21:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:21:39.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:21:41.000 Listen, cocksuck, I got other shit going on. 1.00

02:21:43.000 You might want to walk on ice, you might as well dance. 1.00

02:21:46.000 That's the end of this podcast. 0.99

02:21:47.000 As always, all you people out there driving your cars, listening on your treadmill, whatever the fuck you're doing, we're all in this together. 0.97

02:21:54.000 And we love you. 0.98

02:21:55.000 And we'll see you soon.

02:21:56.000 Bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 25, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #151 - Josh McDermitt

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