The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1523 - Joey Diaz & Brian Redban

00:00:03.000 Salute, gentlemen.

00:00:05.000 Salute.

00:00:05.000 Happy birthday, my brother.

00:00:06.000 Thank you for being here.

00:00:07.000 To many more.

00:00:08.000 Thank you, young Jamie.

00:00:09.000 Thank you.

00:00:10.000 Thank you all.

00:00:11.000 Woo! 0.99

00:00:14.000 Tremendous.

00:00:14.000 53 spins around the sun.

00:00:16.000 I have not fucking had a drink of the whole fucking... 0.99

00:00:19.000 The whole COVID? The whole COVID. I didn't drink before that either, I don't think so. 0.99

00:00:23.000 No, you weren't much of a drinker.

00:00:25.000 Every night I go home, I'm going to have a makeup because Heineken makes a light.

00:00:28.000 Five points.

00:00:29.000 Oh, yeah.

00:00:30.000 Tremendous.

00:00:31.000 They make a double zero that actually tastes good.

00:00:33.000 Zero alcohol.

00:00:35.000 Heineken has, for sure, the best non-alcoholic beer.

00:00:39.000 Really? 1.00

00:00:39.000 It tastes like fucking beer. 1.00

00:00:41.000 If you were an alcoholic, you'd be like, oh, my God, I fucked up. 1.00

00:00:46.000 You know how you have those... 1.00

00:00:47.000 Like, I like O'Doul's.

00:00:49.000 It tastes good.

00:00:50.000 But it doesn't taste like beer.

00:00:51.000 A cold O'Doul's is delicious.

00:00:53.000 I like those non-out.

00:00:54.000 I do.

00:00:54.000 Some people don't like them.

00:00:55.000 I like them.

00:00:55.000 Like, a cold one is really nice.

00:00:57.000 But you know what you're doing.

00:00:59.000 With the Heineken, they kind of trick you. 0.99

00:01:01.000 I don't know what the fuck they're doing. 1.00

00:01:02.000 They're doing some weird shit. 1.00

00:01:04.000 Because it tastes like beer. 0.99

00:01:06.000 Well, beer is like a taste, kind of.

00:01:08.000 That's why duals work.

00:01:09.000 It's kind of like that smoke juice you put in meat.

00:01:12.000 Like, oh, that's the taste of smoke.

00:01:14.000 Right, or like watermelon gum. 1.00

00:01:15.000 That shit don't taste like watermelon. 0.99

00:01:17.000 No, it's still good. 1.00

00:01:17.000 But you know what it is. 1.00

00:01:19.000 It's so crazy how beer, like I grew up on six-packs and eight-packs.

00:01:24.000 Eight-packs with eight ounces, nips.

00:01:26.000 You got a case of nips or a case of beer.

00:01:29.000 And then you went out to Colorado and they had 3.2.

00:01:33.000 3.2.

00:01:34.000 Alcohol.

00:01:35.000 Low alcohol beer.

00:01:36.000 Like Utah.

00:01:37.000 Between 18 and 21. Oh, really?

00:01:38.000 That's what you have to drink.

00:01:40.000 Then when you turn 21, they give you the full dose.

00:01:43.000 There used to be a club on the hill, I forget what it was, in the University of Boulder downstairs, and that's what they served you.

00:01:50.000 3.2 beer.

00:01:52.000 Right around the time I was turning 18 was the time they made it 21 years old.

00:01:56.000 I'm pretty sure.

00:01:57.000 Find out when they did it in Massachusetts.

00:01:58.000 When did Massachusetts make the drinking age from 18 to 21?

00:02:02.000 I feel like I missed it by like a year or two.

00:02:04.000 But probably for good.

00:02:06.000 They were like, Jesus Christ.

00:02:08.000 I remember that when I was in elementary.

00:02:10.000 People were mad about that.

00:02:11.000 At least make it harder for them. 1.00

00:02:14.000 Fucking animals. 1.00

00:02:14.000 Thank you for the COVID test. 1.00

00:02:15.000 My pleasure.

00:02:16.000 I did the blood test.

00:02:17.000 Okay, it's 1979. They've raised the drinking age from 18 to 20. Huh.

00:02:23.000 But when was it 21?

00:02:25.000 Okay.

00:02:25.000 84. Dukakis.

00:02:27.000 Exactly.

00:02:27.000 Okay.

00:02:27.000 So 84, I was 17. That son of a bitch.

00:02:30.000 And he raised it from 20 to 21. Dukakis also fucked up. 1.00

00:02:35.000 He gave out furloughs to prisoners and one escaped and killed somebody. 1.00

00:02:38.000 So when I got into a halfway house... 0.65

00:02:40.000 Wasn't it?

00:02:41.000 Somebody.

00:02:41.000 When I got to a halfway house, everybody was mad at Dukakis because you couldn't have furloughs no more.

00:02:46.000 Oh.

00:02:47.000 He used to furlough prisoners.

00:02:49.000 Yes.

00:02:49.000 It was Willie something or another, right?

00:02:52.000 I forget the whole story, but I know that people in prison were furious because they couldn't go to fucking on furloughs no more. 0.97

00:02:59.000 That poor guy. 0.98

00:03:00.000 Because the caucus let him go for like four days, like a fucking, you know, like Club Med for four days. 1.00

00:03:05.000 He's a fucking prisoner! 1.00

00:03:07.000 I ain't gonna let him go to Club Med, and that was the end of that tune. 1.00

00:03:10.000 Well, they're releasing a lot of prisoners right now because of COVID. They're opening up the doors.

00:03:16.000 18,000 in California.

00:03:18.000 Did you hear that one that just... 1.00

00:03:19.000 That came out of jail and shot the motherfucker who accused him. 1.00

00:03:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:03:23.000 Yeah.

00:03:24.000 Yeah, I don't know if this is the best idea, kids.

00:03:27.000 Because a lot of those people are very violent.

00:03:29.000 It depends on what you're letting out.

00:03:31.000 If you're letting out some dude who sold weed, you should have let him out a long time ago.

00:03:35.000 You know, you're letting out some guy who's selling mushrooms.

00:03:37.000 Let that guy out! 1.00

00:03:38.000 Don't keep him in a fucking cage with people who are murderers. 1.00

00:03:42.000 We've had this conversation before. 1.00

00:03:44.000 You've got to let out the people that are non-violent drug offenders.

00:03:47.000 Yes, all of them.

00:03:48.000 Non-violent drug offenders, first time.

00:03:51.000 First time offenders, unless...

00:03:54.000 You know what the big thing in jail is sometimes when you go to county?

00:03:57.000 There's a big DUI population.

00:04:00.000 Really? 1.00

00:04:00.000 There's motherfuckers that can't stop getting DUIs. 1.00

00:04:03.000 I think my ex-brother-in-law has the record in Colorado. 1.00

00:04:08.000 I'm not making a joke here.

00:04:10.000 Like, there's people that stay in the system because of the DUI problem.

00:04:14.000 You know, they gotta blow into a tube before they start their car.

00:04:17.000 Yeah, my friend Robbie had that. 0.96

00:04:19.000 Yeah, they got all types of shit, and then they put you in work release. 0.90

00:04:23.000 That's a complete different situation. 0.99

00:04:26.000 Then, you know, they have different levels of it, you know?

00:04:30.000 That blowing in the thing, it takes some time, too.

00:04:32.000 He couldn't just start his car.

00:04:33.000 So if it was cold out, like we were playing pool, and I go, how long does that take?

00:04:37.000 And he's like, it takes like five minutes.

00:04:38.000 You just got to sit here.

00:04:40.000 Because it has to check to see to make you all right.

00:04:43.000 And you can't, there's no getaways.

00:04:45.000 Like if someone's chasing you, you hop in the car, you got to blow in the thing, get the car to start.

00:04:49.000 I had a friend that did that.

00:04:50.000 He used to just pay people $5 to blow in there.

00:04:53.000 He would get hammered.

00:04:54.000 Come here, what are you doing? 0.90

00:04:55.000 Blow in there. 0.95

00:04:56.000 Do you know what happened in Chicago?

00:04:57.000 Do you have an idea what happened this weekend in Chicago?

00:04:59.000 No.

00:05:00.000 Do you know?

00:05:01.000 Oh, about the...

00:05:02.000 Crazy...

00:05:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:05:03.000 The riots.

00:05:04.000 There was a shooting, and then there was some crazy looting.

00:05:06.000 They'd broken the Tesla.

00:05:08.000 And Jamie was the first one to tell me that there was like an incorrect story.

00:05:12.000 The incorrect story was that a 14-year-old girl was shot.

00:05:15.000 Is that what it was?

00:05:16.000 Or a 15-year-old girl was shot?

00:05:17.000 I heard, yeah, a 15-year-old was shot and killed by the police, but it was misinformation that was...

00:05:21.000 I don't know how that got out or who put it out initially.

00:05:24.000 I didn't find out that part of it, but it was actually a 20-year-old that was not killed and was in the hospital.

00:05:32.000 So, I don't know.

00:05:33.000 Yeah, we're one of those away. 0.98

00:05:35.000 We're one of those away from this whole fucking thing exploding in different cities again. 0.93

00:05:40.000 Why do you feel this strongly about Los Angeles lately? 0.97

00:05:43.000 I've seen you make a journey very...

00:05:46.000 Ever since the Houston trip, you've been a different person.

00:05:50.000 Well, I've been thinking about it for quite a while.

00:05:52.000 I've been thinking about leaving L.A. for a while.

00:05:55.000 This is just my feeling.

00:05:57.000 I don't think this is a healthy way to live.

00:05:59.000 I don't think it's good for your brain.

00:06:01.000 I really don't.

00:06:02.000 Which part of it?

00:06:03.000 The people that live here...

00:06:05.000 I wonder if it's a coincidence that so many people that live in cities have like...

00:06:12.000 Cities are always democratic.

00:06:15.000 Almost always.

00:06:17.000 Cities are rarely Republican.

00:06:18.000 Isn't that weird?

00:06:20.000 Like, I don't know.

00:06:21.000 I mean, is Houston like that?

00:06:22.000 That's a pretty big city.

00:06:23.000 Dallas is a pretty big city.

00:06:24.000 But I think they might be blue.

00:06:25.000 I think the cities might be blue.

00:06:27.000 And then the states are all, you know, the surrounding area is red.

00:06:31.000 Me and Jamie grew up red.

00:06:32.000 But I always used to think that that was because they were smarter.

00:06:35.000 I just think that they were more educated, so they're more likely to be Democrats.

00:06:39.000 Because my family was Democrats growing up, and I always felt like that was the people who were really interested in freedom of speech, really interested in education, really interested in welfare and making programs for poor people and prison reform.

00:06:52.000 They didn't want the death penalty.

00:06:55.000 They wanted you to have the right to choose.

00:06:57.000 That's what it was always to me. 0.99

00:06:59.000 So why the fuck are they all lumped up in cities? 0.99

00:07:01.000 What is that? 0.98

00:07:02.000 It's because that's where all the universities are?

00:07:04.000 But there's some universities that are in the middle of nowhere, too.

00:07:07.000 It's weird.

00:07:08.000 It's weird how cities are like...

00:07:09.000 Forget if you had a dog in the fight.

00:07:12.000 If you're just looking at people, it's odd that these big giant clumps are almost always the lean Democrat.

00:07:19.000 It's weird. 0.96

00:07:20.000 And then when shit like what's going on now happens, where you have violent reactions on a regular basis, like on a regular basis, there's riots on a regular basis. 0.99

00:07:30.000 There's crazy shit going on in Portland and Seattle. 0.99

00:07:32.000 They're trying to burn federal buildings. 1.00

00:07:34.000 This isn't rare.

00:07:36.000 This is like every day.

00:07:37.000 We're totally accustomed to it.

00:07:39.000 Have you noticed? 1.00

00:07:40.000 You see a fucking looting and a riot and a building on fire on TV? You don't even flinch. 1.00

00:07:45.000 You don't even flinch.

00:07:46.000 That used to be a big deal, right?

00:07:48.000 Remember like the Waco days? 0.99

00:07:49.000 That was a big fucking deal. 0.99

00:07:51.000 There was a standoff with the feds and a compound, and there was a guy who thought he was Jesus who was fucking everybody's wife, and they had guns. 1.00

00:07:59.000 And you're like, holy shit! 1.00

00:08:00.000 Waco was fucked up. 1.00

00:08:01.000 What year was Waco? 1.00

00:08:03.000 94, 95. Hicks was alive because Hicks talked about it on stage.

00:08:07.000 So it had to be pre...

00:08:09.000 I think Hicks died in like 93 in that area.

00:08:13.000 It was like Hicks and Kinison died within a couple of years of each other. 0.99

00:08:16.000 It was Waco and then the Oklahoma City bombing, which blew our fucking minds. 0.99

00:08:21.000 Waco, 93. Okay. 0.99

00:08:22.000 93 and then 94, 95 was the Oklahoma City bombings, which really... 0.53

00:08:28.000 Fucked with me that week.

00:08:29.000 I snorted a lot of coke. 0.99

00:08:30.000 The Oklahoma City bombings are very interesting.

00:08:33.000 Very interesting that week.

00:08:34.000 Very interesting.

00:08:34.000 There's a lot of weird stuff.

00:08:35.000 April 19, 1995. We're still living in Boulder.

00:08:39.000 Do you see that building?

00:08:40.000 Look at the building.

00:08:41.000 There's people to this day that don't believe that that was just a car filled with some sort of explosive that did that. 0.99

00:08:49.000 Damn. 0.99

00:08:49.000 The most thing I remember that fucked with me- They say it's too uniform. 0.99

00:08:52.000 It was a daycare on the basement. 0.94

00:08:55.000 That's what destroyed me that week.

00:08:57.000 And I remember I bought a big batch of coke and I cut it and I was trying to sell it. 0.97

00:09:02.000 And I did the whole bag in four fucking days just watching the coverage on this. 1.00

00:09:07.000 There are some fucking insane people out there. 1.00

00:09:10.000 And there are people that are so insane they'll plant a bomb In front of a building and blow the whole side of it up. 1.00

00:09:17.000 They don't give a fuck who's inside. 1.00

00:09:18.000 Timothy McVeigh. 0.99

00:09:19.000 Yeah.

00:09:21.000 And then you had the Unabomber around that time.

00:09:23.000 Look at how it blew.

00:09:24.000 That's crazy.

00:09:27.000 So there was all these reports.

00:09:29.000 The problem is like eyewitness reports after traumatic events like that, they're always off.

00:09:33.000 People always like, you know, they don't know what they saw. 1.00

00:09:36.000 They're so fucked up. 0.99

00:09:37.000 And you can tell them what they saw and then they'll repeat what you said. 1.00

00:09:40.000 It does happen with people.

00:09:41.000 There's a big crazy explosion like that.

00:09:44.000 So you don't know who's telling the truth and who's...

00:09:46.000 But there was a lot of people that were saying they saw people carrying off bombs that were unexploded.

00:09:50.000 They saw the FBI carrying off bombs, like that there was more than one bomb.

00:09:55.000 And then the way it looks, if you look at the way the building exploded, the way they were explaining, I was watching something on it, that the way one of those bombs would go off, if it was just a fertilizer bomb, it wouldn't necessarily go off that way,

00:10:11.000 where it looks like the whole side of the building is going out.

00:10:13.000 You know, that it would be located, the blast would be, all the damage would be where the truck was located. 0.99

00:10:20.000 But being a moron and not knowing shit about explosives, I don't know if that's true, but it does get interesting. 0.99

00:10:28.000 Like, who gave him this information? 1.00

00:10:30.000 Why is he blowing up that building? 0.99

00:10:32.000 Like, what the fuck is going on? 0.99

00:10:34.000 You could do that with a truck and some manure? 0.99

00:10:38.000 Is that real? 1.00

00:10:41.000 That's a hell of a fucking bomb. 1.00

00:10:44.000 Can you do that? 1.00

00:10:45.000 Can any crazy fuck just fill a pickup truck up, fill with fertilizer, do what they have to do to light it on fire and make it explode and blow up a building like that? 1.00

00:10:55.000 The one guy was a suicider or he just left it there and detonated it? 1.00

00:11:01.000 I think he just left it there.

00:11:03.000 Left it and detonated it.

00:11:04.000 Then they caught him, the one guy that was a pair. 0.98

00:11:08.000 They were part of a paramilitary group in the hills of Michigan or some shit. 0.99

00:11:13.000 There's something extra spooky about those white dudes who live in the woods who are plotting to overthrow the government. 1.00

00:11:19.000 Right? 0.98

00:11:19.000 There's something extra spooky about those guys. 0.98

00:11:22.000 And that's what you think of when you think of Timothy McVeigh.

00:11:24.000 Think of those kind of people.

00:11:26.000 Those, you know, those people like...

00:11:28.000 It's a real sad story.

00:11:30.000 You ever hear the Ruby Ridge story?

00:11:32.000 No.

00:11:33.000 That was a real sad one. 0.99

00:11:34.000 That was a guy who got in a standoff with the cops, with the federales, and they fucking shot his wife while she was holding the baby. 0.97

00:11:42.000 I forget exactly what they were after him for. 0.97

00:11:46.000 I forget exactly what it was, but it was an egregious overuse of power.

00:11:51.000 I mean, they murdered these people.

00:11:53.000 And the snipers murdered these people.

00:11:55.000 And the people eventually shot back, and then...

00:11:57.000 I mean, it was just a bloodbath.

00:11:59.000 But it became a symbol of how...

00:12:02.000 If you give people that kind of power, you don't know exactly how they're going to wield it. 0.99

00:12:07.000 You give people the power to pull guns out and storm some fucking cabin in the middle of the woods. 0.99

00:12:11.000 Some people are more than willing to shoot people. 0.99

00:12:15.000 Did you ever see this story?

00:12:16.000 It's Tony Criticis.

00:12:19.000 What is it?

00:12:21.000 This was a live press conference that got put on like every news channel.

00:12:25.000 A friend of mine sent this to me recently.

00:12:26.000 There's like a whole YouTube series about it.

00:12:29.000 I think it's maybe even on Amazon Prime.

00:12:31.000 What's going on?

00:12:31.000 He's really mad at this dude.

00:12:32.000 I think he was like his mortgage broker or something like that.

00:12:34.000 He got taken advantage of and so he kidnapped him.

00:12:37.000 It's like a four-day ordeal.

00:12:39.000 Oh my god.

00:12:40.000 And he took over all the airwaves to get his story heard.

00:12:43.000 Oh my god.

00:12:44.000 I started looking into it the other day.

00:12:45.000 It was insane.

00:12:47.000 I never even heard of it.

00:12:48.000 It was in 1979 or something.

00:12:50.000 77. Is he still alive?

00:12:53.000 What's his yelp look like?

00:12:55.000 I actually think he might still be alive. 0.99

00:12:57.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:12:57.000 When I looked him up, I think he was alive, yeah. 0.99

00:13:00.000 Holy shit. 0.98

00:13:00.000 This is the creepiest start any podcast I've ever been on in my life. 0.98

00:13:04.000 Buildings blowing up. 1.00

00:13:06.000 Some poor fucking governor with a gun to his fucking head. 1.00

00:13:10.000 What the fuck is going on here? 1.00

00:13:12.000 What the fuck is going on here? 1.00

00:13:14.000 I just did a COVID test. 0.99

00:13:16.000 I feel good.

00:13:17.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:13:18.000 And all of a sudden I come into bombs and fucking explosions. 0.99

00:13:22.000 Where's the happiness? 1.00

00:13:23.000 It's your birthday, cocksucker. 1.00

00:13:24.000 Thank you very much. 1.00

00:13:25.000 Happy birthday to me. 0.99

00:13:26.000 We're getting the fuck out of here because all you need to do is hook a fucking left on La Cienega and then hook another left on Melrose and drive and play a game. 0.99

00:13:36.000 Let's count the four Lee signs. 0.99

00:13:39.000 You can't just shut things down.

00:13:42.000 Think about the last time you were at the Improv.

00:13:45.000 Close your eyes and think about the last time you were at the Melrose Improv.

00:13:49.000 Now open them.

00:13:50.000 When you go to Melrose now, think of the last time you were there, and think of how long it's going to take for Melrose to be like that again.

00:13:58.000 Melrose was destroyed already.

00:14:00.000 That is why I am leaving, because of things like this.

00:14:03.000 I see an 18-month comeback, and that's a guy with a GED. I see it.

00:14:10.000 It's going to take...

00:14:11.000 Let's say we go April.

00:14:12.000 That's assuming everything goes well.

00:14:13.000 That's assuming everything goes well and everybody does the vaccine.

00:14:16.000 Or some people say it's going to disappear on Election Day.

00:14:21.000 It's going to just disappear. 0.98

00:14:22.000 I don't fucking know either. 0.99

00:14:24.000 I don't fucking know either. 0.99

00:14:26.000 But I'm looking at this as an 18-month recovery. 0.98

00:14:31.000 West Hollywood is going to be last because of the supermarket situation.

00:14:36.000 They had 29 infected employees and they spread it throughout the community in Hollywood.

00:14:42.000 West Hollywood is going to be last.

00:14:44.000 Did you know that?

00:14:45.000 That all those bars are gonna be last. 0.99

00:14:47.000 So I'm sorry to give you the fucking bad news. 0.98

00:14:50.000 Joey, you just went off on Joe about starting this podcast off with bad news and now you made me feel worse. 0.98

00:14:57.000 We're talking about why we're leaving here.

00:14:59.000 We're talking about why we're leaving.

00:15:01.000 Why are we leaving?

00:15:02.000 That's why.

00:15:03.000 And the other thing that bothered me was the no school.

00:15:06.000 Burbank ain't bad right now.

00:15:08.000 Burbank ain't bad.

00:15:10.000 You're homeless for 24 hours there and then you disappear.

00:15:12.000 Let me tell you something about Burbank, though.

00:15:14.000 Burbank, every time I go, I go to Burbank just to look around.

00:15:17.000 I got friends that live in Burbank.

00:15:19.000 I go to two areas of Burbank.

00:15:21.000 I go down Magnolia to Victory by Alberto's.

00:15:25.000 And I see that street is getting very eerie.

00:15:29.000 Like, when you go on that street, you feel two things are coming.

00:15:33.000 An earthquake.

00:15:34.000 Every time I'm on Magnolia, I think of an earthquake.

00:15:37.000 Like, this is good earthquake weather.

00:15:39.000 For some reason, by the Donut Hut.

00:15:41.000 And then you see those people lining up for guns.

00:15:45.000 There's three stores in a row.

00:15:46.000 Oh, there's three of them right around me, yeah.

00:15:48.000 Joe Rogan, that's crazy.

00:15:49.000 They're there every day.

00:15:50.000 I was driving the other day, 9.30 in the morning, there was a big line in front of Peterson's trying to buy guns.

00:15:55.000 Yeah.

00:15:56.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

00:15:58.000 I follow all the gun shops around me, and they all have Instagrams, of course, and they show all the guns they got in for the day, and I'm like, oh, you know, I might get one of those, and then an hour later, it's sold out like shoes.

00:16:09.000 There's a line constantly on all three of those gun stores. 0.96

00:16:12.000 How fucking sad is that? 0.98

00:16:13.000 Well, this is what's sad. 0.99

00:16:15.000 What's sad is, I mean, now we know.

00:16:17.000 We didn't have a plan if everything went sideways like this.

00:16:21.000 And you can't, like, governors and mayors, it's their fault, right?

00:16:26.000 But it's not their fault.

00:16:27.000 Because really... 1.00

00:16:28.000 That fucking job is a ridiculous job in a pandemic. 1.00

00:16:32.000 All of a sudden, there's a new problem that's presented with you. 1.00

00:16:34.000 You don't have the resources to fix it.

00:16:36.000 People are not going to listen.

00:16:38.000 They're going to want to party.

00:16:39.000 They're going to want to still go out.

00:16:40.000 And you're in this situation where a large percentage...

00:16:43.000 It didn't turn out to be as bad as we thought it was, but they thought it was going to be a large percentage of our population could possibly die.

00:16:49.000 And you don't have the resources.

00:16:50.000 And what do you do?

00:16:51.000 Governors, even though they are in that position, they're in that position because they got elected.

00:16:57.000 They're not in that position because they passed a battery of tests and show that they know exactly how to respond to any given circumstance.

00:17:03.000 They were charismatic.

00:17:04.000 They had the right money behind them.

00:17:06.000 They said the right things.

00:17:07.000 They backed the right bills.

00:17:09.000 And then you become a mayor and then you become a governor.

00:17:11.000 But it doesn't mean you know what to do if things go sideways and no one knows what to do.

00:17:15.000 And the fact that they were always getting those checks.

00:17:18.000 They're always getting those checks.

00:17:20.000 No matter what happened, no matter what shut down, they kept getting those government checks.

00:17:24.000 And they told all these other people they couldn't work.

00:17:26.000 Like, you can't, that's not a plan.

00:17:29.000 That's not a sustainable plan.

00:17:30.000 You can't tell people, you can't work, but I'm gonna keep getting paid, and I'm gonna tell you when you can go back to work again. 1.00

00:17:35.000 Because people are gonna go, fuck you! 1.00

00:17:36.000 Like, you can't just keep everything shut down for five months. 1.00

00:17:40.000 That is California.

00:17:42.000 I don't know what the proper response would have been.

00:17:46.000 I don't know.

00:17:47.000 But this wasn't it.

00:17:48.000 This wasn't the best case scenario. 0.99

00:17:50.000 And again, not a fucking word about your health. 0.99

00:17:52.000 Not a word about taking vitamin D. Not a word about exercise. 0.99

00:17:56.000 Not a word about drink water.

00:17:57.000 Not a word about cut out sugar.

00:17:58.000 Not a word about, use this as an opportunity to lose weight.

00:18:01.000 We have to up our metabolic health.

00:18:03.000 We have to be, we have to take vitamins.

00:18:04.000 We have to be better about our health.

00:18:06.000 Not one word!

00:18:07.000 Everything's wear a mask and you can't do this and you can't do that.

00:18:10.000 Don't open this and don't open that.

00:18:12.000 And look, they weren't prepared.

00:18:13.000 That's all it is.

00:18:14.000 They're not bad people.

00:18:15.000 People think that they wanted to sabotage the state or sabotage the city.

00:18:19.000 I'm sure Garcetti and Newsom are nice guys.

00:18:22.000 They probably are fine to hang out with.

00:18:26.000 The problem is, nobody was ready. 0.97

00:18:28.000 Nobody knew what the fuck this was. 0.97

00:18:29.000 I can't hang out with Garcetti. 0.99

00:18:31.000 He says Los Angelinos too much.

00:18:34.000 Leave it alone, alright?

00:18:35.000 No, it's just Angelinos.

00:18:36.000 Angelinos. 1.00

00:18:36.000 He drives me fucking crazy. 1.00

00:18:38.000 Newsome? 1.00

00:18:39.000 Newsome looks like you could smoke a joint with him.

00:18:40.000 Maybe.

00:18:41.000 And talk to him and he'll go, you're right. 1.00

00:18:43.000 I fucked up. 0.99

00:18:44.000 But Garcetti's too... 1.00

00:18:46.000 What about the fucking DA's husband's getting charged with assault because... 1.00

00:18:51.000 What? 1.00

00:18:52.000 Jackie Lacey's husband is getting charged with a misdemeanor assault because when they went to his house to protest, that brother pulled out a piece.

00:19:01.000 Did he really? 1.00

00:19:02.000 They said, get the fuck away from my door. 1.00

00:19:04.000 And they took a picture of him and they charged him with misdemeanor whatever, assault. 0.99

00:19:10.000 The DA's husband.

00:19:11.000 My God.

00:19:13.000 It's just been, you know, a real...

00:19:16.000 The mayor of, or the head of police of Seattle just quit. 1.00

00:19:19.000 Yeah, that motherfucker tapped me. 1.00

00:19:21.000 He sent a letter out. 1.00

00:19:22.000 It's a lady.

00:19:22.000 No, it's a lady.

00:19:23.000 Yeah.

00:19:23.000 Because those cuts, man.

00:19:25.000 That's what, $4 million, $8 million?

00:19:27.000 Well, you know, the cops, they see the writing on the wall.

00:19:30.000 For whatever reason, people decide they hate cops now.

00:19:33.000 It's, look... 1.00

00:19:35.000 There's bad people in every fucking job. 0.99

00:19:37.000 You know, the problem with being a bad cop is it can ruin a person's entire life, ruin the life of a family. 0.99

00:19:46.000 When you see someone abuse someone like that, like what we saw, it's natural to get upset.

00:19:52.000 We all got upset.

00:19:53.000 But it's not every cop.

00:19:55.000 And I think that's a crazy way of looking at things, and they're figuring that out right now in New York.

00:19:59.000 And New York has record crime, man. 1.00

00:20:01.000 New York is going off the fucking hook. 1.00

00:20:03.000 My friend John Joseph, you know, he lives in New York. 1.00

00:20:06.000 He's always sending me updates, you know. 1.00

00:20:08.000 It's off the fucking chains. 1.00

00:20:09.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:20:10.000 And John's never left.

00:20:12.000 He's the lead singer of the Cro-Max. 0.98

00:20:15.000 Hardcore dude does triathlons and shit. 0.99

00:20:17.000 He's not going anywhere. 0.98

00:20:17.000 You're not kicking him out. 0.98

00:20:18.000 But he sends me these updates on crime. 0.98

00:20:23.000 Nobody gives a fuck. 0.99

00:20:24.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:20:25.000 It's like these guys, I mean the criminals, they don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:20:29.000 They're getting wild. 1.00

00:20:30.000 They're stealing catalytic converters in my neighborhood.

00:20:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:20:35.000 Catalytic converters are going like fucking hot kids now, okay? 0.99

00:20:38.000 That's so crazy. 1.00

00:20:39.000 I've thought of stealing crazy shit. 1.00

00:20:41.000 How much does that work? 1.00

00:20:41.000 Like when I was doing coke, I was thinking about bringing it to the White House, shit like that. 1.00

00:20:45.000 But who would rob a fucking catalytic converter right off the street? 1.00

00:20:49.000 They melt them down to platinum. 1.00

00:20:52.000 They sell it, and that's how they're making a living.

00:20:55.000 Studio City, the last week, they've been hitting neighborhoods.

00:20:58.000 So if you park on the street, they clip your catalytic converter.

00:21:02.000 How weird.

00:21:02.000 But it's great.

00:21:03.000 Everyone has Nest Cams now and home security cameras.

00:21:05.000 So next door has become my new fetish of just watching people's home security of people walking in the neighborhood doing nothing.

00:21:12.000 That's crazy.

00:21:13.000 This guy looks suspicious.

00:21:14.000 Let me tell you guys a fact.

00:21:15.000 Our friend's martial arts school got robbed the other night.

00:21:19.000 Yeah.

00:21:20.000 Would they steal?

00:21:21.000 She caught it on camera.

00:21:23.000 She dialed 911. They put her on hold for an hour.

00:21:27.000 What? 0.96

00:21:29.000 So you're dead. 1.00

00:21:31.000 You're dead, buddy. 0.99

00:21:34.000 Always call the non-emergency line, by the way. 0.97

00:21:37.000 And always press 2. And always press 2. You want it in Spanish.

00:21:41.000 They pick up quicker. 1.00

00:21:43.000 For you fucking unemployment dummies that haven't gotten unemployment. 1.00

00:21:45.000 You just gave up the secret. 1.00

00:21:47.000 I don't need unemployment no more.

00:21:48.000 You gotta press 2. Speaking Spanish, they get answered quicker.

00:21:52.000 You dumb fucks. 1.00

00:21:53.000 He learned something new with Uncle Joey. 1.00

00:21:55.000 Why are you pressing 1?

00:21:56.000 It's insane.

00:21:57.000 Press 2, if you speak Spanish, the lady's gonna answer, and you're gonna talk to her, like, halfway, like, me no sabe, and she'll fucking give you your paperwork, and next thing you know, you got your unemployment. 1.00

00:22:10.000 But everybody presses one like a fucking knucklehead. 0.99

00:22:12.000 Think about that next time. 1.00

00:22:13.000 Think about press Spanish and see how quick they fucking pick up the phone. 0.98

00:22:17.000 Isn't it crazy how everybody went from everything's great, the economy's great, we hate Trump, but other than that, things are great. 0.98

00:22:24.000 That was how the country was.

00:22:26.000 And then all of a sudden everybody wants a gun.

00:22:29.000 Same people.

00:22:31.000 Same people.

00:22:32.000 It's because people are actually scared.

00:22:34.000 They're watching that video of live footage, you know, that scared a lot of people.

00:22:39.000 They also know people who have died, so they're scared to go to work.

00:22:42.000 There's that too, right?

00:22:44.000 That compounds it.

00:22:45.000 Everybody knows somebody who's gone because of COVID or knows somebody.

00:22:50.000 That tastes tremendous, by the way.

00:22:51.000 I don't know who made that.

00:22:53.000 Buffalo Trace. 1.00

00:22:54.000 It's the shit. 1.00

00:22:54.000 That is fucking delicious. 1.00

00:22:56.000 Fucking delicious. 1.00

00:22:57.000 Yeah, it's very good. 0.98

00:22:58.000 If I didn't have to drive, I'd have nine more. 1.00

00:23:00.000 This shit is older than America. 0.99

00:23:02.000 This company started in 1773. That is fucking delicious. 1.00

00:23:06.000 Where they out of? 1.00

00:23:07.000 Kentucky.

00:23:08.000 Buffalo Trace.

00:23:10.000 You do two more of those.

00:23:11.000 They used to make booze when it was illegal.

00:23:17.000 They did it for medicinal reasons.

00:23:18.000 I didn't know they had a weed scam.

00:23:20.000 Like, if they have a weed scam today, they used to have a booze scam.

00:23:22.000 Same thing.

00:23:23.000 You could distill whiskey for medicinal purposes, like a doctor could prescribe it.

00:23:27.000 Like, Brian, you need a drink.

00:23:30.000 Thanks, Doc.

00:23:30.000 You go to the doctor and cut your script for some whiskey, I guess.

00:23:36.000 What the fuck do they use whiskey for for medicinal purposes? 1.00

00:23:39.000 I used to fucking drink. 1.00

00:23:41.000 I used to drink Jack and pull my teeth out. 1.00

00:23:44.000 When I didn't have insurance, when I was a young comic, if I had a toothache on the way home, I'd stop and get a little pint of Jack.

00:23:53.000 Do shots, gargle with it, and work the tooth. 0.98

00:23:57.000 A couple bumps to numb the head, and you're fucking good to go. 0.99

00:24:01.000 It was terrible. 0.99

00:24:02.000 Something about losing your teeth that's extra creepy.

00:24:06.000 Listen to me, dog.

00:24:07.000 From the cocaine drip.

00:24:10.000 From all those years.

00:24:12.000 Right at the end.

00:24:13.000 Nobody really caught it.

00:24:15.000 You gotta watch an episode of My Name is Earl when I go, I sing a song at the end.

00:24:22.000 Tim Stacks, Tim Stacks, what you gonna do?

00:24:25.000 Look at my tooth.

00:24:27.000 My tooth is black. 0.99

00:24:28.000 I had already quit coke two weeks and all of a sudden, like a month later, I see that episode and I'm like, oh shit. 0.99

00:24:36.000 Your tooth was dead? 0.99

00:24:37.000 I got a cocaine tooth from the nerve.

00:24:40.000 Nobody caught it.

00:24:41.000 So I went to the doctor for something different.

00:24:44.000 It was like the 22nd of December.

00:24:47.000 And he was like a Beverly Hills dentist. 0.99

00:24:49.000 Like this idiot sent me to like the, you know, your friend's dentist. 0.99

00:24:52.000 Jamie from My Name is Earl. 1.00

00:24:55.000 Like he has the movie stars and shit. 0.95

00:24:57.000 They send me there. 0.98

00:24:58.000 I'm no movie star.

00:24:59.000 You gotta pay $200 just to walk in there.

00:25:01.000 So I went in there for something different.

00:25:04.000 And the doctor said to me, what are you going to do about that little cocaine tooth?

00:25:08.000 And he goes, yeah, I had one of those at one time.

00:25:11.000 That's the best when the doctor cops are doing drugs. 1.00

00:25:14.000 How many doctors copped are doing drugs? 0.96

00:25:16.000 I got two of them.

00:25:18.000 Really?

00:25:18.000 Three of them.

00:25:19.000 Wow.

00:25:20.000 Four! 0.99

00:25:21.000 Four! 0.99

00:25:23.000 One that I grew up, and I would see him out of clubs, and he'd come up to me.

00:25:27.000 I was 21. He was like 50, and he'd come up to me.

00:25:30.000 He'd go, what do you got for the head in Spanish?

00:25:32.000 In Cuban, miss. 1.00

00:25:33.000 He used to say, que tiene para cabeza?

00:25:36.000 And I'd go, aspirin.

00:25:38.000 And he'd go, veta sin gas, compadre.

00:25:40.000 And he'd walk away from me.

00:25:43.000 My one family doctor, whenever I went to see him, the best, 20 years as a doctor, I couldn't give him nothing hand to hand, but I walked into his office, put it on his desk, and then I go to the examination room.

00:25:57.000 I never gave him a blow.

00:25:58.000 I just gave him like lollipops and brownies.

00:26:02.000 I remember one time I went in and he's like, listen man, I found one of your brownies one night and I ate it. 0.99

00:26:08.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:26:09.000 Next thing you know, I was making a steak sandwich at four in the morning. 1.00

00:26:12.000 What the fuck was in that thing? 0.99

00:26:14.000 Oh yeah. 0.99

00:26:14.000 And then my heart doctor now, he's the best. 0.99

00:26:18.000 That's the best doctor I've ever had.

00:26:20.000 He's got three stents in his heart from doing blow.

00:26:23.000 He's so quaaludes in Chicago. 1.00

00:26:26.000 He's a fucking nut, but I love him. 1.00

00:26:28.000 Love him to death. 1.00

00:26:30.000 Joey, what do you think happens to the country?

00:26:33.000 Me?

00:26:33.000 Yeah, how does this, when you look at it, how does this even out?

00:26:37.000 Listen, first of all, I'm going to be as honest as I can with you.

00:26:40.000 I don't know what red means and what blue means.

00:26:43.000 I grew up hanging out with guys that were Democrats.

00:26:48.000 I ripped signs down as a kid for people. 0.99

00:26:50.000 I did all that political dirty shit as a kid. 0.99

00:26:53.000 And guess what? 0.99

00:26:54.000 By the age of 13...

00:26:56.000 I saw the theft at the municipal level.

00:27:00.000 I couldn't imagine the thievery at the presidential...

00:27:05.000 The senatorial level and the governor level.

00:27:08.000 I couldn't imagine what the thievery was, okay?

00:27:11.000 I saw it firsthand as a child.

00:27:13.000 I was involved with it.

00:27:14.000 I saw the payoffs.

00:27:16.000 I went to Long Island with this family. 1.00

00:27:18.000 I saw all this shit. 1.00

00:27:20.000 I saw how things got done, you know. 1.00

00:27:23.000 So I lost my faith in it.

00:27:26.000 Like, I don't really believe it. 1.00

00:27:27.000 I think it's all a bunch of bullshit. 1.00

00:27:29.000 Joe Rogan's running for president. 1.00

00:27:32.000 I got a drug that is going to hook people, is going to fuck people up. 0.98

00:27:38.000 I donate five million to Joe Rogan. 0.97

00:27:41.000 Joe Rogan makes a few calls and gets that drug passed.

00:27:44.000 And every year I donate five million to Joe Rogan.

00:27:47.000 It's a little more complicated than that. 0.99

00:27:49.000 It's in the same fucking neighborhood, my friend. 0.99

00:27:52.000 Yeah, it's in the same neighborhood. 1.00

00:27:52.000 You're right. 1.00

00:27:52.000 It's in the same fucking neighborhood. 1.00

00:27:54.000 No, I'm agreeing with you. 1.00

00:27:55.000 You buy yourself into this.

00:27:56.000 You know what?

00:27:57.000 As far as politics, I never trusted it.

00:28:00.000 So, disclaim me as a politician.

00:28:04.000 I'm talking about as a human being.

00:28:06.000 I see a lot of despair.

00:28:07.000 I see a lot of fear.

00:28:09.000 I see, you know, yesterday somebody put a thing up and they said that they shut the clubs down in San Diego. 0.99

00:28:18.000 And I go, thank fucking God. 0.99

00:28:20.000 And a lot of people said shit to me and I'm like, I'm not saying because of that. 1.00

00:28:25.000 I'm saying because of the social despair. 0.99

00:28:28.000 I think that if you're in a parking lot doing comedy, and a guy just went home and his wife broke up with him, and all of a sudden he checks the mail, he's losing the house, and he gets in his car to go for a ride.

00:28:40.000 You know, how many farmer's markets do people get hit at with cars?

00:28:43.000 Especially lately.

00:28:44.000 People have been running through people lately.

00:28:46.000 I don't want to see some guy run through a parking lot in La Jolla and hit a bunch of people watching a comic.

00:28:52.000 Right now is not a time to do comedy.

00:28:54.000 You know what?

00:28:55.000 People want to laugh.

00:28:57.000 But their moral compass is off.

00:29:03.000 We're confused.

00:29:04.000 Do we wear a mask?

00:29:05.000 Do we not wear a mask?

00:29:06.000 Is there a disease?

00:29:08.000 Am I going to get unemployment?

00:29:09.000 Am I going to get evicted?

00:29:11.000 There's a lot of things going on in people's minds.

00:29:13.000 You know, people snap on a daily basis as just getting caught on the 405. Expect a huge amount of people losing it.

00:29:23.000 You've got to be well-grounded.

00:29:24.000 Thank God I do copy you. 0.99

00:29:27.000 I get up in the morning, I do some shit, I do two bong and I get on a mountain bike. 0.99

00:29:31.000 I can't hike. 1.00

00:29:33.000 But I got on a mountain bike, and I go all the way to cold water, and I come back, and I get vitamin D, and then I wash my pussy, and then I do what I got to go do. 1.00

00:29:42.000 So I get all that shit out of the way. 0.99

00:29:44.000 I don't watch no TV. I don't want to hear it no more. 0.98

00:29:47.000 You put COVID, anything.

00:29:48.000 World News Tonight is the number one watch show.

00:29:50.000 Why? 1.00

00:29:51.000 Because they're just selling you shit. 1.00

00:29:53.000 Disasters. 1.00

00:29:54.000 They're just selling you disaster.

00:29:55.000 I don't watch it.

00:29:56.000 The TV wasn't allowed in my house until 6. Now it's 7. And then I don't watch Jeopardy or Game of Fortune.

00:30:02.000 That shit fucks me up because it makes me feel too old. 0.99

00:30:05.000 Remember when I'd call for you? 1.00

00:30:07.000 I'd call for you at 7.15.

00:30:08.000 Yeah.

00:30:09.000 Who is it?

00:30:10.000 It's Joey.

00:30:11.000 I'm here to call for Joe.

00:30:12.000 Hold on one second.

00:30:13.000 Come in.

00:30:13.000 How you doing, Mrs. Rogan?

00:30:15.000 How you doing, Joey?

00:30:16.000 Mrs. Rogan, shh, hold on.

00:30:18.000 And she's watching Jeopardy.

00:30:19.000 So when I was a kid, if you watched Jeopardy, you were an old person.

00:30:22.000 So every time Jeopardy comes on now, I get pissed off. 0.98

00:30:25.000 I'm like, what the fuck am I doing home? 0.94

00:30:27.000 Because when Jeopardy comes on, 7 o'clock, you and I are getting ready to go on stage. 0.98

00:30:31.000 That's a good show, though.

00:30:33.000 That's a good show.

00:30:33.000 I know it's a good show.

00:30:35.000 I get, like, one answer per show.

00:30:37.000 It doesn't matter. 1.00

00:30:37.000 Yeah, I'm a dumb fuck, but... 1.00

00:30:39.000 What I'm saying to you is, for the last 30 years, you and I, at 7 o'clock, a certain adrenaline goes into our body. 1.00

00:30:47.000 And Red Band included.

00:30:49.000 You mean get ready to perform?

00:30:50.000 Get ready to perform.

00:30:51.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:30:53.000 At 7 o'clock, something would happen to me that it would change. 1.00

00:30:56.000 I'd go from being a dad, husband, all that shit, to being a murderer. 1.00

00:31:01.000 I'm going down to the comedy store. 1.00

00:31:03.000 I gotta go sharpen the sword.

00:31:05.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:31:06.000 7 o'clock, you start thinking about new things, you know, the toilet paper, fucking, you know. 1.00

00:31:13.000 All this shit. 1.00

00:31:14.000 You write it down. 1.00

00:31:16.000 You take a shower.

00:31:17.000 I'd have my process.

00:31:18.000 I'd do a four-shot espresso.

00:31:21.000 I'd do two bong hits.

00:31:22.000 I'd take a shower.

00:31:23.000 Get all duded up. 1.00

00:31:24.000 Get in the fucking car. 1.00

00:31:26.000 Go over Laurel Canyon. 1.00

00:31:27.000 I'd be behind him sometimes.

00:31:30.000 Or a shop.

00:31:31.000 Going down Laurel Canyon. 0.99

00:31:33.000 Fucking tremendous. 0.99

00:31:34.000 And all of a sudden that got taken away. 0.99

00:31:37.000 You don't think we're suffering?

00:31:39.000 We're learning to deal with it.

00:31:41.000 Well, we've got to take it away in the nicest time ever for comedy.

00:31:44.000 This is a thing for people that didn't go to the Comedy Store, that weren't Comedy Store regulars.

00:31:49.000 There's an image of the Comedy Store that I think is from the darker days.

00:31:52.000 Where people thought of the comic store as that the comics are mean and shitty to each other and that it's like the industry never goes there.

00:32:00.000 It's like a dark place, like a dangerous place.

00:32:02.000 But when we got shut down in March, those last few years were probably the nicest, friendliest years in the history of the store.

00:32:11.000 People were so nice to each other.

00:32:13.000 There were so many people that were supporting each other.

00:32:16.000 And because everybody had podcasts, like, everybody kind of fed off of each other doing that, and so it was beneficial to everybody to pump you up, like, you let me know about Jeremiah, you let me know about Tony Hinchcliffe, we let each other know about these guys, and everybody sort of circulates, and everybody does well together.

00:32:32.000 It was a real good environment, man.

00:32:34.000 It felt good every time you'd go there.

00:32:35.000 It was all hugs and everybody was laughing.

00:32:38.000 Everybody was like, I love that new tag or this or that.

00:32:40.000 It's fun.

00:32:41.000 It was a good time.

00:32:42.000 It was one of the most positive places I've ever been to in terms of a community for comedians.

00:32:48.000 It was super supportive.

00:32:50.000 And it was like that for years, man.

00:32:52.000 For the first year I was back, I was like, I can't even believe I'm back.

00:32:55.000 First show I did back was yours.

00:32:56.000 Yeah.

00:32:57.000 That was fun.

00:32:58.000 And I think Doug Stanhope opened it up.

00:33:00.000 Remember?

00:33:00.000 He was just like, guys, crazy show here.

00:33:03.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:33:04.000 I feel my whole time at the Comedy Store, which is 23 years, was pretty fucking good.

00:33:11.000 You know, I didn't come out here to do anything. 0.55

00:33:14.000 I came out here to...

00:33:15.000 I was a criminal, and comedy won.

00:33:18.000 You know, I used to be a...

00:33:19.000 I was a criminal and a comic, and comedy won.

00:33:23.000 It beat it.

00:33:24.000 Yeah, but I always knew, Joey, your thing was always that you would come from a very unsteady base.

00:33:31.000 And you could tell.

00:33:32.000 You were like a loving guy, but you had to get to know you.

00:33:35.000 You had to get through you.

00:33:38.000 And then you were a really loving guy.

00:33:40.000 But there was just like the bridge you had to cross.

00:33:42.000 But I knew a lot of people like you.

00:33:44.000 I knew people like you.

00:33:46.000 Not as funny as you, but I knew people that were brilliant but crazy in the same sort of a way.

00:33:51.000 And it was always the same thing. 0.98

00:33:52.000 It was always like their childhood was all fucked up. 0.99

00:33:55.000 There was a missing there. 1.00

00:33:57.000 There's some shit that goes wrong there. 0.99

00:33:59.000 And when you develop like that, when you grow like that, in such a chaotic experience like yours... 0.99

00:34:08.000 It's hard.

00:34:09.000 It's harder.

00:34:10.000 But when you get through, you get through with gifts.

00:34:12.000 That's what's interesting about it.

00:34:13.000 It's harder for you than a person that had your normal Norman Rockwell mom-and-pop sort of a life.

00:34:21.000 It's harder for someone like you.

00:34:22.000 It's much more emotionally difficult.

00:34:23.000 You go through much more want for love.

00:34:27.000 You don't feel support.

00:34:29.000 You don't feel stable.

00:34:30.000 You grow up like that, and it's very hard to right yourself as an adult.

00:34:35.000 Because all of us come out of our childhood, which we don't really have any control over, who our parents are.

00:34:40.000 We have very little control over our experiences when we're kids. 0.94

00:34:43.000 But we come out of that shit shaking, like when we get onto the road finally, Not everybody comes onto that road with the same amount of stability. 0.97

00:34:52.000 Like, some people come on that road and they're like, my mom is awesome, my dad and my mom love each other, yay! 0.99

00:34:57.000 And they're just going down the road.

00:34:58.000 And other people are like, who am I? My uncle fucked me, and I'm on coke, and I'm only 15, and there's a lot of those people out there too. 0.98

00:35:06.000 It's a matter of writing it. 0.99

00:35:09.000 A matter of getting it stable.

00:35:11.000 A matter of getting your life in a position where you feel like you can make good decisions and you're in control of it.

00:35:18.000 And it's not the same for everybody.

00:35:21.000 And I knew when I met you, you were a good guy.

00:35:24.000 I knew you were a good man.

00:35:25.000 No, I knew that too.

00:35:26.000 I knew right away.

00:35:27.000 I didn't question that.

00:35:28.000 I just questioned how long I was in the last year. 1.00

00:35:32.000 You were distracting yourself with other shit. 0.98

00:35:33.000 I didn't know how long I would last here. 1.00

00:35:35.000 I thought this was just going to be a fluke and I would end up in New York selling coke.

00:35:41.000 And the story is that I became a regular.

00:35:43.000 I broke the record.

00:35:44.000 I became a regular within a month.

00:35:46.000 Did you really?

00:35:47.000 Yeah.

00:35:47.000 I landed here January 29th.

00:35:49.000 That's amazing.

00:35:49.000 I became a regular February 19th on my 30-something birthday.

00:35:53.000 Well, Mitzi caught you at the right time.

00:35:56.000 She caught me at the right time.

00:35:57.000 And everybody kept saying to me, has Mitzi seen you?

00:35:59.000 That's amazing.

00:36:00.000 Has Mitzi seen you?

00:36:01.000 So I didn't really go through the whole thing.

00:36:03.000 So now let's go back to that area.

00:36:05.000 That area, that era was hard at the store.

00:36:09.000 I had to follow Mooney every night and Dave Tyree and A bunch of crazy people after 11. It got crazy in there.

00:36:16.000 And then Holtzman would go on and clean the house.

00:36:19.000 You know, it was just a different...

00:36:20.000 I saw the three different phases of the store.

00:36:24.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:36:24.000 Then we saw the other phase with that fucking Mutt LaRange and his little crew. 0.99

00:36:29.000 And I didn't go there for seven years. 0.99

00:36:31.000 And then came the Adam fucking era, which was pretty fucking goddamn special. 0.99

00:36:36.000 Pretty special. 0.99

00:36:37.000 It got so special that it got overly special.

00:36:40.000 Like... 0.97

00:36:41.000 Tuesday nights were fucking just, like, you had to go down there prepared for war. 0.96

00:36:46.000 Like, Tuesday nights, when you, you ever see, like, Rambo, before he's going to go somewhere, or the Expendables, they always see him sharpen their knives and setting all their equipment up and shit, like, before they go to war, Bradley Cooper and the Sniper. 0.96

00:37:02.000 That's how we were on Tuesday nights. 0.99

00:37:04.000 We had to sharpen our fucking knives. 1.00

00:37:07.000 You had to take your alpha brain. 1.00

00:37:09.000 You didn't get high all day. 1.00

00:37:11.000 Like, you know, Tuesdays, you had to go down there and bring it, bitch. 1.00

00:37:14.000 It was pretty fucking interesting. 0.99

00:37:17.000 But then on the other side of that, it started becoming monotonous for me. 0.97

00:37:22.000 It was like I was on the road or I was at the comedy store.

00:37:26.000 I was on the road or I was at the comedy store.

00:37:28.000 I was at home. 0.99

00:37:30.000 I didn't do anything else for like 3 or 4 fucking years. 0.99

00:37:33.000 Am I mad at that? 0.99

00:37:34.000 No no no no.

00:37:35.000 I wish I would have gone to more parties maybe.

00:37:37.000 Yeah.

00:37:38.000 Maybe more concerts.

00:37:40.000 I wish I would have done some more stuff.

00:37:41.000 When I went to New York last year to shoot The Sopranos, I saw my friends.

00:37:47.000 And I saw how they live now and who they were now.

00:37:49.000 And we met every night.

00:37:51.000 We went to a different great restaurant for dinner.

00:37:53.000 And at a quarter to nine, they'd be yawning. 0.99

00:37:55.000 And I'd be happy as fuck that they were yawning. 0.99

00:37:58.000 Because I'm just as fucking tired. 0.99

00:38:00.000 We're not kids no more. 0.96

00:38:02.000 And we would go our separate ways and I'd go back to my hotel and I'd go, that was tremendous.

00:38:06.000 And that's what you do now.

00:38:08.000 But I went out every night with a different one to a different restaurant.

00:38:11.000 And everybody has families.

00:38:14.000 You know, it just became something different for me.

00:38:17.000 I wanted to go somewhere else.

00:38:19.000 I would go to Texas with you and I'd be, you know me, dog.

00:38:21.000 I love you to death.

00:38:22.000 But I want to go home.

00:38:25.000 I want to go to somebody's house and have the feast of the seven fishes.

00:38:32.000 Okay? 1.00

00:38:33.000 I'm sick and tired of eating this shit. 1.00

00:38:35.000 Remember, I've been gone for 30 years, kid. 1.00

00:38:38.000 I've been gone since 83. I went back for 18 months of homelessness and then 9 months in 93 to become a comic, to do open mics with Mike Pichetti at the New York Comedy Club across the street from where Castellano got shot.

00:38:53.000 I played the game, dawg. 0.97

00:38:55.000 Then I went back to Colorado and got into fucking, you know, with the X and the ba-ba-bop and the fucking smacking the guy and then getting thrown out and... 1.00

00:39:04.000 I ended up in Seattle, and then two years there, then Stanhope lured me down here. 0.99

00:39:09.000 Then I got a developmental deal.

00:39:11.000 How'd Stanhope lure you down here?

00:39:12.000 I did New Year's with him.

00:39:15.000 Where at?

00:39:15.000 In Seattle, 96 to 97. He's like, you're wasting your time up here.

00:39:20.000 He goes, you're ready.

00:39:21.000 But I had worked with him like the time before that.

00:39:24.000 So he's like, I got bunk beds, you're wasting your time.

00:39:27.000 And I go, you know what? 0.97

00:39:28.000 I gotta go down there and shoot a pilot anyway.

00:39:30.000 CBS is paying me like 20 grand.

00:39:32.000 How'd they find you?

00:39:34.000 Thanksgiving, the night before Thanksgiving in Seattle.

00:39:37.000 What were you doing?

00:39:38.000 I was on stage.

00:39:40.000 And someone from CBS wanted you to do something?

00:39:41.000 He was from Seattle.

00:39:43.000 Wow.

00:39:43.000 And he went home for the holidays.

00:39:45.000 And I got off stage and the guy was like, listen, I've been looking for a guy like you for three weeks.

00:39:52.000 Can you read?

00:39:53.000 Yeah.

00:39:54.000 Okay.

00:39:54.000 Meet me tomorrow.

00:39:56.000 I'm gonna put you on tape.

00:39:58.000 I gotta pile it because we want you to be... 0.99

00:40:00.000 It was really fucked up. 0.99

00:40:02.000 They wanted my character to be Spanish, but they didn't want him to look Spanish. 0.99

00:40:06.000 It was CBS's answer to NYPD Blue.

00:40:10.000 It was a show called Bronx something, something.

00:40:14.000 And I came down and I was the worst actor in the world.

00:40:18.000 I started out with like 19 pages. 0.99

00:40:22.000 All the cops and DAs were coming to the bar and I would chit-chat, give them information, sell shit. 0.91

00:40:29.000 And every day that I went and rehearsed, every day they took a page out. 0.99

00:40:33.000 Every day they took a page out.

00:40:35.000 I went down there.

00:40:36.000 By the time they shot the pilot, I had no lines.

00:40:38.000 I just nodded.

00:40:39.000 I was terrible.

00:40:40.000 I was snorting coke.

00:40:41.000 I'd never been to an acting class before.

00:40:44.000 I was staying up till 6 in the morning, going there at 8. What's-his-name was the director.

00:40:49.000 What's his name?

00:40:50.000 The guy who played the doctor.

00:40:52.000 You got to think about this one because he's big time.

00:40:55.000 He played a doctor in the movie with Tom Cruise with the naked women when the chick has a heart attack. 1.00

00:41:04.000 He's fucking a young chick. 1.00

00:41:06.000 And Tom Cruise has to help him with the chick because the chick is dead. 1.00

00:41:10.000 He's a big time motherfucker. 1.00

00:41:12.000 What movie is that? 1.00

00:41:14.000 What's that fucking movie? 1.00

00:41:15.000 Vanilla Sky. 1.00

00:41:17.000 Vanilla Sky.

00:41:18.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:41:21.000 What's the movie with Tom Cruise where he sneaks into the party and they're a bunch of freaks? 1.00

00:41:28.000 He's married to the fucking Australian chick at the time. 1.00

00:41:31.000 Nicole Kidman. 1.00

00:41:32.000 Nicole Kidman.

00:41:33.000 And him and Nicole Kidman have a fight.

00:41:36.000 Eyes Wide Shut.

00:41:37.000 Eyes Wide Shut.

00:41:38.000 Who played the doctor?

00:41:41.000 That's a brilliant movie.

00:41:42.000 But whoever played the doctor, that he has the girl all coked up.

00:41:46.000 He also played the doctor, you ready?

00:41:49.000 To Johnny Sack in The Sopranos.

00:41:52.000 Really?

00:41:53.000 He was the one that kept saying, I shot my wife.

00:41:57.000 The mailman, and I was already going down, so I shot the maid, too. 0.79

00:42:01.000 He was the doctor, and he turns his shades, and he goes, he tells him, Dr. Friedman, that guy, he directed me in this.

00:42:10.000 And he loved me in the beginning, and at the end, he wouldn't even look at me.

00:42:13.000 He would just shake his head. 0.99

00:42:15.000 I didn't know how to fucking act! 0.99

00:42:17.000 It's hard. 0.99

00:42:18.000 How can you put me on CBS? I just came, I've been doing comedy six years.

00:42:24.000 Some people can just fucking do it. 0.98

00:42:27.000 Then I got it. 0.99

00:42:28.000 No, then I got it doing it more.

00:42:30.000 But that was the first time when they say action, I go, what?

00:42:33.000 It's crazy when, like, an athlete does it.

00:42:35.000 Like, an athlete, and then they're really good.

00:42:38.000 You're like, Jesus Christ.

00:42:39.000 Like, how hard is it to act? 1.00

00:42:41.000 This guy just came off the fucking bench. 0.99

00:42:43.000 Like, there's a lot of athletes have done, like, who else has done, like, amazing jobs? 0.99

00:42:48.000 The athlete thing is weird, right?

00:42:49.000 Because at least Canadians... 0.81

00:42:51.000 Rappers! 0.90

00:42:51.000 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 0.90

00:42:53.000 Fucking rappers really stole the game. 1.00

00:42:55.000 Queen Latifah, Ice Cube. 1.00

00:42:57.000 Ice Cube wrote fucking Friday. 1.00

00:43:00.000 Right. 0.99

00:43:00.000 They're the best example. 0.99

00:43:01.000 I mean, are you fucking crazy? 1.00

00:43:02.000 Actors are the best example. 1.00

00:43:04.000 Or excuse me, rappers.

00:43:06.000 Tremendous.

00:43:07.000 No acting classes, no nothing.

00:43:08.000 They just took it by the horns.

00:43:10.000 They know how to act.

00:43:11.000 Wait, no one's better than them.

00:43:13.000 Tupac.

00:43:13.000 Stop and think about it.

00:43:14.000 Think about how many rappers, high-level rappers, became high-level actors.

00:43:18.000 Bro, Tupac made some weird movies, Joe.

00:43:21.000 Juice.

00:43:22.000 Huh?

00:43:23.000 Juice?

00:43:24.000 Which one's Juice?

00:43:25.000 Wasn't he in Juice?

00:43:25.000 I think so, yeah.

00:43:26.000 Juice? 0.93

00:43:27.000 What about the one where he played the junkie with the guy and the hot black chick? 0.98

00:43:31.000 How crazy is that that Tupac was a huge movie star as well as a huge rap star at the same time?

00:43:38.000 Poetic Justice.

00:43:39.000 Oh, he was tremendous in Poetic Justice.

00:43:41.000 Dude, he did a lot of movies.

00:43:43.000 He tortured Janet Jackson.

00:43:44.000 Did you ever see Bullet with Mickey Rourke?

00:43:46.000 Yes. 0.98

00:43:46.000 That was one of the most ridiculous movies of all time. 0.98

00:43:48.000 Terrible, terrible, terrible. 0.98

00:43:50.000 But it was interesting to see the two of them together.

00:43:53.000 Mickey Rourke was jacked.

00:43:56.000 Did you ever see how big Mickey Rourke was in that movie?

00:44:00.000 Go to that movie.

00:44:01.000 There's videos of it.

00:44:02.000 Like Mickey Rourke in a tank top. 1.00

00:44:04.000 He was fucking jacked. 0.99

00:44:05.000 And the guy next to him with the white shirt, that guy was married to Tracy Lourdes. 0.99

00:44:10.000 You know him.

00:44:11.000 That's your buddy, George.

00:44:13.000 That's your buddy, Joe.

00:44:15.000 Yes, you were with him on National Store.

00:44:17.000 He's married to Tracy Lourdes.

00:44:19.000 You were playing the drums and jumping up and down with him, talking about vitamin supplements. 0.99

00:44:26.000 What's his fucking name? 0.99

00:44:27.000 I don't know the guy. 1.00

00:44:28.000 Joe, don't lie to me.

00:44:30.000 No, I'm not lying to you.

00:44:31.000 Look right there.

00:44:32.000 Where? 0.95

00:44:32.000 That guy was one of the best looking men that ever fucking was in that movie with Mickey Rourke. 0.95

00:44:39.000 He's fucking, he's his brother. 0.99

00:44:42.000 He's his brother. 1.00

00:44:43.000 And he's fucking two chicks in a disco. 1.00

00:44:47.000 He's... 1.00

00:44:48.000 I saw that guy at a couple...

00:44:49.000 Who is he?

00:44:50.000 That guy walking the dog.

00:44:52.000 Find out what his name is.

00:44:53.000 Jamie, please, sir.

00:44:54.000 Do you keep...

00:44:55.000 That's Mickey Rourke.

00:44:56.000 No, that's not Mickey Rourke.

00:44:57.000 The other guy he's holding hands with.

00:44:58.000 Go down with.

00:44:59.000 That's Sante.

00:45:00.000 Go down with.

00:45:01.000 You should show it when I go here.

00:45:02.000 That's no Armando Sante, that guy.

00:45:04.000 That's Sante.

00:45:05.000 It's not showing his name.

00:45:06.000 I don't know.

00:45:07.000 I'll find it.

00:45:08.000 Okay.

00:45:09.000 That's a bold move.

00:45:10.000 Look at that half-crop shirt.

00:45:12.000 He came to the store one night.

00:45:14.000 He played Mickey Rourke's brother in this movie.

00:45:17.000 And the other thing was that he was married to Tracy Lourdes.

00:45:23.000 John Enos. 1.00

00:45:25.000 That good looking motherfucker. 1.00

00:45:27.000 Well, he ain't that good looking no more. 1.00

00:45:29.000 But in this movie, you would suck his dick. 1.00

00:45:33.000 Back in 96. Yeah, he was fucking smoking. 1.00

00:45:36.000 He was very, very good looking. 0.99

00:45:38.000 This is a strange movie.

00:45:40.000 Dangerous.

00:45:41.000 Very strange movie.

00:45:42.000 Is that that dude, is that that guy, Ben, the guy who's driving the car?

00:45:46.000 He won an Academy Award years later.

00:45:49.000 It's Adrian Brody?

00:45:49.000 Yeah.

00:45:50.000 Oh, that guy.

00:45:50.000 Yeah, okay.

00:45:51.000 Everything was going good. 0.98

00:45:52.000 They did a 7-Up commercial, and they told him to get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:45:55.000 How do you win an Academy Award and do like a Shasta commercial? 0.99

00:45:58.000 Is that what happened?

00:45:59.000 Something weird happened.

00:46:00.000 They shut him down after he did a Shasta commercial?

00:46:02.000 I did something.

00:46:02.000 I don't know.

00:46:03.000 I'm just joking.

00:46:04.000 I don't know, man.

00:46:05.000 You got another blunt for your Uncle Joey?

00:46:07.000 Yes, of course I do.

00:46:07.000 Thank you, brother.

00:46:08.000 You can have some of mine.

00:46:09.000 No, I'm all right.

00:46:11.000 That corona test was tremendous.

00:46:13.000 I got one right here, Jimmy.

00:46:14.000 Just that swab in your nose.

00:46:15.000 I know she took things out of my nose that would need it to go.

00:46:19.000 We have to find out what's keeping you going.

00:46:21.000 Make sure everything's okay.

00:46:22.000 I did the antibodies test, but then a dentist told me, she goes, Joey, the antibodies is no good then.

00:46:28.000 The FDA-approved one is good.

00:46:30.000 It shows you whether or not you've had it.

00:46:33.000 It's a respiratory illness.

00:46:34.000 It shouldn't be in your blood, so that's why I did the swab, to be honest with you.

00:46:39.000 And I didn't want to faint.

00:46:40.000 I faint at the weirdest moments, Joe.

00:46:42.000 Yeah, but that's not real.

00:46:43.000 Whatever she just said, that's not true.

00:46:45.000 Okay, whatever.

00:46:46.000 It's in your blood, for sure.

00:46:48.000 Everybody's Fauci now. 1.00

00:46:49.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

00:46:49.000 The best way to find out, right in front of you. 1.00

00:46:51.000 Right in front of you.

00:46:52.000 Thank you, brother.

00:46:53.000 The best way to find out, apparently, is you draw blood, and then they do an analysis of the blood, but the pinprick is FDA approved, and the swab lets you know if you have, like, recent infections.

00:47:04.000 And I got to tell you right here, because you know I'm a man's man.

00:47:06.000 I know you're a man's man.

00:47:07.000 I tell you the truth all the time.

00:47:09.000 I know you do.

00:47:10.000 I made jokes about Dana White's Fire Island.

00:47:12.000 I want to apologize to him, because, look, he did it right.

00:47:17.000 The bubble worked.

00:47:18.000 Yeah.

00:47:19.000 And now he looks like a hero.

00:47:20.000 The bubble worked.

00:47:21.000 And unless everybody adheres to the bubble, then it's not going to work for him.

00:47:25.000 Well, film crews are figuring it out now, too.

00:47:27.000 You haven't heard from Tyler Perry any complaints.

00:47:29.000 No. 1.00

00:47:30.000 But you don't check your fucking junk email. 1.00

00:47:33.000 I do lately because I get all the SAG emails. 1.00

00:47:37.000 And I got to tell you something. 1.00

00:47:38.000 You got to read this SAG shit. 0.99

00:47:40.000 Like what they have to do? 0.99

00:47:42.000 Yeah, that's why a lot of them, and they're trying to do it fucking, you know, and people are showing up going, this ain't going to work. 0.94

00:47:50.000 This ain't going to work. 0.96

00:47:51.000 Tyler Perry already put you in a bubble.

00:47:53.000 He picks you up at Van Nuys.

00:47:56.000 You get hired.

00:47:57.000 You go do a test.

00:47:59.000 16 days from when they pick you up in Van Nuys.

00:48:02.000 Then you go to Van Nuys Airport.

00:48:04.000 They give you another test.

00:48:05.000 You get on a personal plane.

00:48:07.000 You fly to Atlanta when you get off the plane.

00:48:09.000 They do it again.

00:48:10.000 Quarantine for 24 hours.

00:48:12.000 And then you put into three groups.

00:48:14.000 Group A, Group C, Group B. You can't mingle with B or C. And you got access to a mall, a hotel, workout, little area outside.

00:48:25.000 Everybody's social distancing. 0.99

00:48:27.000 Not one fucking complaint. 0.99

00:48:30.000 But everybody's doing it. 0.99

00:48:31.000 When I found this out, I got pissed off.

00:48:34.000 This is my life.

00:48:35.000 I've been paying dues.

00:48:37.000 Just like you.

00:48:38.000 I don't want to do movies, and I don't want to do TV, but I got to finish this movie.

00:48:42.000 I thought that I read something in the LA Times that said that by adding COVID to movies, it's going to add a million dollars to the budget.

00:48:53.000 Like, it's going to cost a million dollars to do it properly.

00:48:58.000 Jesus!

00:48:59.000 Which is...

00:49:00.000 You can't cough on Brian.

00:49:02.000 I didn't cough on Brian. 1.00

00:49:03.000 I coughed on my fucking hand. 0.99

00:49:05.000 Have a courtesy hat. 1.00

00:49:07.000 So, for you to shoot a real movie like that, you have to have two nurses doing COVID tests.

00:49:13.000 Yeah.

00:49:14.000 They're going to get better.

00:49:15.000 They got a one at the White House that takes 20 minutes.

00:49:17.000 You know what they're doing?

00:49:18.000 What? 0.99

00:49:18.000 They're hiring fucking out-of-work actors to get certified online. 0.99

00:49:24.000 Then they put them on the set to do COVID tests and fucking, you know, separate it. 1.00

00:49:31.000 Can't do that. 0.98

00:49:32.000 I pay dues.

00:49:35.000 Yeah.

00:49:36.000 You know?

00:49:37.000 Well, the problem is if you catch it and you are not healthy, you don't have a good immune system, you're older, you're compromised, maybe you got some sort of a condition already, it's not good.

00:49:51.000 So asking people to work Where there's a 1 out of 10 chance, or 1 out of 20 chance, or whatever the number is, that you might catch it.

00:50:02.000 That's a new ask.

00:50:03.000 That never was the question.

00:50:05.000 The question was, hey, do you want to work at UPS? I'm like, how much does it pay?

00:50:10.000 What are the hours?

00:50:11.000 Okay, I'll do it.

00:50:12.000 It wasn't like, you might die.

00:50:15.000 Like you might catch this disease that you die from.

00:50:17.000 It's not likely, but everyone knows someone who at least knows someone who died from it. 0.99

00:50:22.000 So it's like, fuck, how bad do I want this job? 0.99

00:50:25.000 Or you could stay home and take $600 from the government or whatever it is. 0.99

00:50:30.000 Most people are going to take that money, downsize your life and just figure out a way to save money.

00:50:38.000 Because if you worked at a supermarket, it used to be you just worked at a supermarket.

00:50:42.000 It didn't used to be you come in contact with someone that might have something that can kill you.

00:50:46.000 And it's killing people.

00:50:48.000 Not a lot.

00:50:49.000 Not a lot.

00:50:49.000 But that does not give you any comfort when you're lying there with tubes in your nose.

00:50:53.000 If you're one of those people that gets it and gets it real bad, like Michael Yeo, and you're in a hospital, and you think you might be going...

00:51:00.000 Michael Yeo, Jeffrey Gurion...

00:51:04.000 Frankie, Big Balls, and Chris were sitting in the green room together that Friday night.

00:51:11.000 They all got it?

00:51:12.000 Except Chris.

00:51:14.000 He didn't get it?

00:51:14.000 No.

00:51:15.000 Really?

00:51:15.000 Jeffrey got it.

00:51:17.000 Hospitalized.

00:51:17.000 Big Ball, Pete, Lisa Lanfinelli's ex, great guy, he got it.

00:51:22.000 I think he was hospitalized.

00:51:25.000 And as his last blog I read from him, he was on oxygen treatment.

00:51:30.000 Jesus.

00:51:30.000 And Michael Yo got it.

00:51:32.000 Michael Yeo was here months later, and he said he was still struggling with fatigue.

00:51:38.000 So he looked great.

00:51:39.000 When I saw him, if you saw him, you would think, oh, he's 100% recovered.

00:51:43.000 He looked like he was ready to go do a triathlon.

00:51:46.000 But he said no.

00:51:47.000 He said he still gets tired easy.

00:51:49.000 He doesn't feel the same. 1.00

00:51:52.000 That's the fucked up shit. 1.00

00:51:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:54.000 This is weird.

00:51:55.000 So, like, I get it, man.

00:51:57.000 I get people not wanting to work. 0.98

00:51:59.000 I fucking get it. 0.97

00:52:00.000 I'm not saying people should go back to work. 0.99

00:52:02.000 I'm saying people should have the option.

00:52:04.000 And I know, yeah, everybody, man, everybody should have the option.

00:52:08.000 Everybody should have the option.

00:52:09.000 This is not a normal time.

00:52:11.000 It's not like, this is not a normal, it's not a normal scene.

00:52:15.000 So if you don't want to work, how much does the government have to give you a week?

00:52:19.000 It's a good question.

00:52:20.000 This should be an honest discussion.

00:52:21.000 We should figure out how much money is necessary.

00:52:23.000 Does your rent get paid?

00:52:24.000 Yeah, that's the rent thing.

00:52:25.000 That's the rent thing.

00:52:26.000 I want to know.

00:52:27.000 You can't just have people broke like this for five months and not even let them work.

00:52:32.000 This is what we're seeing.

00:52:33.000 We're seeing people that are...

00:52:34.000 Everyone has a hair trigger.

00:52:35.000 Everybody's ready to go off.

00:52:36.000 That's not good for any of us.

00:52:38.000 No.

00:52:38.000 It's not a smart way to do it.

00:52:39.000 And you look at the restaurants, and the restaurants are open. 0.99

00:52:42.000 You and I try to support restaurants, fucking Tacos 86. Three or four times a day. 0.99

00:52:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:52:48.000 Tacos 86. Four times a day.

00:52:49.000 Oh, my God.

00:52:50.000 Brian's like, I abused my body just to support them.

00:52:54.000 No, Tacos 1986. Oh, my God, Joe Rogan.

00:52:56.000 Just up in Burbank.

00:52:57.000 It's amazing. 1.00

00:52:58.000 That's our shit. 1.00

00:53:00.000 Listen, I love restaurants. 1.00

00:53:02.000 I try to support the local restaurants, but I know they're making ugats.

00:53:07.000 They're not making much. 0.99

00:53:08.000 They're making dick. 0.99

00:53:08.000 They're keeping the employees open. 0.99

00:53:09.000 That's why I tip as much as I can.

00:53:15.000 Jamie just handed me...

00:53:16.000 Biden announced Harris for VP. Okay.

00:53:20.000 Kamala Harris.

00:53:22.000 Fearless fighter for the little guy.

00:53:23.000 Out of the country's finest public servants as my running mate.

00:53:26.000 They might win.

00:53:27.000 She's a powerful lady. 1.00

00:53:29.000 Can you click on her name?

00:53:30.000 She's very good at talking.

00:53:35.000 Yeah, she was that lady that got into it with Tulsi Gabbard. 0.99

00:53:41.000 I don't know about these people, Joe Rogan.

00:53:44.000 One of them might be the Vice President of the United States. 1.00

00:53:46.000 And I think that fucking Trump won the election on Saturday when he gave people money, because money talks and bullshit walks. 0.99

00:53:53.000 If I got a check in the mail from Trump for 600, he bought my vote right now. 0.99

00:53:58.000 The thing about it is, though, I think it relies on the state paying 25%.

00:54:03.000 And the state of California is bankrupt.

00:54:05.000 What are you talking about the other day, 50%?

00:54:08.000 You had me all scared to death.

00:54:10.000 When you add up the state income tax with the federal income tax, it's in the neighborhood of 54% with an increase, yes.

00:54:17.000 The increase that California wants to do? 0.67

00:54:20.000 Look, they're trying to figure out a way to buy the way out of some of the problems that we have.

00:54:24.000 I get it. 0.99

00:54:25.000 I don't know what the fuck they should do. 1.00

00:54:27.000 I'm a moron. 1.00

00:54:27.000 I shouldn't be the mayor or the governor. 1.00

00:54:29.000 I am not gonna do it.

00:54:30.000 It's not in my wheelhouse.

00:54:32.000 I would not balance the budget.

00:54:33.000 I'm not a pay attentioner.

00:54:35.000 That's not me, man.

00:54:37.000 I got things to do.

00:54:38.000 I'm worried about space, alright?

00:54:39.000 I'm not worried about your budget.

00:54:41.000 But somebody has to do it and they have to do it right.

00:54:44.000 Giving them more money is not going to fix it. 0.98

00:54:47.000 They need a fucking real plan. 0.99

00:54:48.000 No one's telling us how to get out of this economically. 0.99

00:54:51.000 No one's telling us how to get out of this health wise.

00:54:53.000 Everybody's bitching. 1.00

00:54:54.000 This is the first time we've been caught with our pants down.

00:54:59.000 I'm not mad at anybody.

00:55:00.000 I can't really be mad at anybody because everybody got caught with their pants down.

00:55:06.000 How we've handled it at times is kind of weird.

00:55:10.000 It's not just that.

00:55:11.000 We look vulnerable as a nation. 1.00

00:55:13.000 Because we handled it stupid. 1.00

00:55:16.000 We had a big giant surge again. 1.00

00:55:19.000 It's like we were doing real well.

00:55:22.000 Everything was trending down.

00:55:23.000 Then we have a big giant surge again.

00:55:24.000 Now people are going out.

00:55:25.000 Now places that weren't getting it are getting it again.

00:55:30.000 We didn't do such a good job.

00:55:32.000 And the problem is, if the country's locked up, and we basically are, a big percentage of everybody's locked down, and we're economically fucked, and we're scared to do things, so we're probably not that healthy.

00:55:45.000 We're not as healthy as we normally are.

00:55:48.000 And there's not as much money and people aren't working well.

00:55:50.000 Well, what?

00:55:51.000 This is not a strong country then.

00:55:53.000 Like, the country's only strong if everything's strong.

00:55:56.000 Like, the economy's strong, the military's strong, the government's strong. 0.68

00:55:58.000 When the economy's fucked and the people are unhealthy, That's the backbone of the whole country. 0.79

00:56:05.000 This is a vulnerable country. 0.94

00:56:07.000 That's where it gets weird.

00:56:08.000 We don't ever want to think that.

00:56:09.000 We're like, oh, we don't have to worry about that anymore.

00:56:11.000 But of course we do.

00:56:12.000 That's history.

00:56:13.000 History is countries taking over countries.

00:56:15.000 History is countries figuring out ways to dominate other countries.

00:56:19.000 Who knows what they're doing today to each other?

00:56:22.000 I mean, we hear about, like, Russian interference. 0.99

00:56:23.000 Who knows what kind of fucking viruses we have on our computers? 1.00

00:56:27.000 Oh, that mail-in fucking thing is going to be a party and a half. 1.00

00:56:29.000 That is the biggest scam in the fucking world. 1.00

00:56:33.000 That is the biggest fucking scam in the world. 1.00

00:56:35.000 Already the post office is running fucking blind. 1.00

00:56:39.000 Never mind all those ballots. 0.99

00:56:41.000 That's a scam and a half.

00:56:43.000 That's a scam and a half and it's terrible.

00:56:45.000 I wonder what the best way to do it is though.

00:56:47.000 What if it turns out the post office is the best way to do it?

00:56:50.000 Maybe it takes more time, but maybe they're better at it.

00:56:53.000 Oh, bro, you never stuffed boxes for $20 and looked the other way?

00:56:57.000 No, I never stuffed boxes for $20.

00:57:00.000 I had to stuff boxes.

00:57:01.000 I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey.

00:57:03.000 What do you mean by stuffed boxes?

00:57:04.000 I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey.

00:57:06.000 I was a Cuban kid that stumbled upon a fight one day and stuck up for an Italian kid, and they made me part of their family.

00:57:13.000 But the other part of their family was that they were political.

00:57:16.000 And he was the other side of the wing for politics.

00:57:20.000 Remember, there's a mayor, and he shows up with a guy like you that's intelligent, but then he also has a guy like me.

00:57:26.000 And I do weird things for him.

00:57:28.000 I let people know what the mayor wants done.

00:57:32.000 And I gotta be very...

00:57:33.000 I was that guy's son.

00:57:37.000 I was his son.

00:57:38.000 I became his son.

00:57:39.000 Then his son died, and I really became his son.

00:57:42.000 So I didn't know what I was doing.

00:57:44.000 He would just go, go light this on fire.

00:57:47.000 Put $50 in your pocket, and that's all I went and did.

00:57:50.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:57:51.000 He told me to go pick up this.

00:57:53.000 I went and picked this up.

00:57:54.000 He told me to go do this.

00:57:55.000 I still remember how I met most of my friends today were from that election.

00:58:00.000 The 76 election, column A and column B. And I mean, they were battling on the street.

00:58:07.000 I don't have to tell you about Jersey knuckleheads. 0.94

00:58:09.000 You know, we were throwing rocks at each other.

00:58:11.000 And then at night we were paid to go rip down your signs.

00:58:15.000 And then the next night your people ripped down our signs. 0.98

00:58:18.000 And then whoever puts a sign of each one on, we all have a fucking memory of that. 0.96

00:58:26.000 So if I side with Joe Rogan in North Bergen and Joe Rogan loses, I'm going to as well pack my bags because they're going to demote me from a teacher to a janitor. 0.99

00:58:37.000 That's how they get you in Jersey, dog.

00:58:39.000 So they would all put signs on their lawn for the guy that they support.

00:58:42.000 Let everybody know.

00:58:44.000 You're my friend?

00:58:46.000 Spaulding!

00:58:46.000 You vote for Harry Spaulding!

00:58:48.000 He's a good man!

00:58:49.000 They come to your house, they knock on your door and they tell you who you're going to vote for.

00:58:53.000 Listen, you're going to vote for these guys.

00:58:55.000 It's going to be fine.

00:58:57.000 We'll take care of you.

00:58:58.000 Your brother-in-law needs a job to retard, right? 1.00

00:59:00.000 Sounds like a nightmare place to live, by the way. 0.92

00:59:03.000 I would hate this.

00:59:04.000 You think?

00:59:05.000 What are you doing?

00:59:06.000 Get off my porch.

00:59:07.000 Get away from me.

00:59:08.000 Joey, you're moving back to this?

00:59:10.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:59:12.000 That's Hudson County politics.

00:59:15.000 Listen, in Hudson County, Jamie, if you'd like to verify, no mayor in Hudson County has ever just vacated.

00:59:23.000 They've all either been put in prison or died.

00:59:27.000 Every mayor.

00:59:28.000 The active mayor in North Bergen now is very good.

00:59:31.000 He has changed the town.

00:59:32.000 His name is Mayor Sacco.

00:59:34.000 He's very good.

00:59:35.000 Very good.

00:59:36.000 That town is clean, Bobby.

00:59:39.000 Cameras everywhere.

00:59:40.000 You do something, there's a curfew at night.

00:59:43.000 Very clean.

00:59:44.000 In fact, they just had a write-up about the New York Times where most of the people are moving to.

00:59:50.000 It's my hometown, North Bergen, and down the hill, Edgewater.

00:59:54.000 You know who lives in Edgewater?

00:59:55.000 Isn't that Frankie Edgar? 0.83

00:59:56.000 No.

00:59:57.000 He's in Tom's River, right?

00:59:58.000 He's in Tom's River.

00:59:59.000 You know who lives in Edgewater?

01:00:00.000 Who?

01:00:01.000 Name a rapper.

01:00:02.000 Jay-Z? Name a rapper.

01:00:04.000 He lives there?

01:00:05.000 Ice-T. Really?

01:00:07.000 Naughty by nature.

01:00:08.000 Ice-T does not cop show still.

01:00:09.000 All the Knicks, all the Nets, all the baseball players live in Edgewater.

01:00:14.000 So it's right above Edgewater.

01:00:16.000 All that Hudson County, Hoboken, where Gino's a cop and all that, that's Hudson County.

01:00:21.000 They play by their own rules, G. They do it a different way.

01:00:25.000 And you've got to pick a side.

01:00:27.000 You gotta pick a side and if you don't pick a side and that side loses, boom.

01:00:30.000 You gotta live in that hometown to work in that hometown.

01:00:32.000 Oh no. 1.00

01:00:33.000 And then they fuck with you. 1.00

01:00:35.000 It's a whole... 1.00

01:00:36.000 You went with the wrong side.

01:00:37.000 But it's tremendous.

01:00:38.000 It's a way to keep everybody in line.

01:00:40.000 Everybody knows where they stand.

01:00:42.000 Once you go, you go.

01:00:44.000 Those guys that put their hand on the back of your neck, those guys that tell you, this is what we're going to do.

01:00:50.000 We're going to do this, okay?

01:00:52.000 And they're holding the back of your neck, and you're like, what kind of conversation is this?

01:00:55.000 Like, you're not squeezing my neck yet, but it seems like, what happens if I don't vote for this guy?

01:01:01.000 Bro, one of the most interesting ones that you've never watched, but you should read about, I think Jamie has watched, is season two of Narcos when they rigged the election in Mexico.

01:01:12.000 And they try to do it with the computer and they get busted. 0.98

01:01:15.000 And then they actually just sent narcos to the fucking voting stations. 0.99

01:01:19.000 They put a gun to your head and go, put another zero next to that number. 1.00

01:01:24.000 Whoa. 0.98

01:01:25.000 In 1987, the elections in Mexico were so fucking crooked because the government that was coming in was going to side with the United States and that could never happen. 0.95

01:01:36.000 They were going to lose millions of dollars. 0.93

01:01:38.000 So that government had a win.

01:01:41.000 And when you watch it play out in the series, you're like... 0.99

01:01:44.000 But when you read about it, you're like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:01:49.000 They caught him red-handed. 0.99

01:01:51.000 It's like you catching me taking this.

01:01:52.000 And you're going, Joey, that's mine.

01:01:54.000 Yeah.

01:01:55.000 Bye.

01:01:57.000 And walking out of here, like, it was that cold-blooded of an election. 1.00

01:02:01.000 The fucking guy had to resign years later, but it was that brutal. 0.99

01:02:05.000 Because they figured they weren't going to win the election in Mexico City. 1.00

01:02:10.000 So they went to all these farmer places, and all those motherfuckers got beat up. 1.00

01:02:16.000 So forget about Mexico City. 1.00

01:02:18.000 We're going to lose Mexico City.

01:02:20.000 What's the name of La Pira?

01:02:22.000 The PRI? The PRI is an organization.

01:02:26.000 Tremendous storyline on how they needed that government to win so they could keep getting drugs into this country. 1.00

01:02:34.000 And how the CIA was even involved in that election, but it was the narcos who went out to the small villages And fucking put guns to your head. 0.98

01:02:45.000 Put a zero on that number. 0.99

01:02:47.000 It is one of the craziest things about being an American is that we're connected to a country that's feeding us drugs and is run by cartels.

01:02:56.000 And everybody's like, shhhh.

01:02:59.000 Bro, they had a town in Mexico during this that the cartel said if they saw you on the streets without a face mask, they'd shoot you.

01:03:09.000 They've done that in other countries. 0.99

01:03:10.000 It was such a small village that it would have destroyed the village, so the narcos got involved and said, if you go out without a face mask, we'll put a bullet in your head.

01:03:21.000 There's something about people who have power, whether it's you're the mayor or the governor or you're the narcos or you're a cop, something about people having that kind of power over your life like that with just a finger on the trigger, it's too much for most people to handle. 0.84

01:03:36.000 It's too much.

01:03:37.000 Most people can't handle it.

01:03:39.000 That's what you're saying, dude.

01:03:41.000 Most people should not have the ability to just shoot you. 0.94

01:03:43.000 You can't shoot them, but they can shoot you. 0.98

01:03:45.000 If you don't listen, they can shoot you. 0.98

01:03:47.000 If you're running away, they can shoot you. 1.00

01:03:48.000 You come at them with a taser, they can shoot you. 0.99

01:03:51.000 They need to make a freeze gun, where you can just freeze them. 0.99

01:03:56.000 That's not a bad idea. 1.00

01:03:58.000 Joe Rogan, nobody could call a cop's life until you're a fucking cop. 0.98

01:04:04.000 It's too hard to understand what that job's like. 1.00

01:04:07.000 It's too hard to understand entails.

01:04:08.000 You know why I started going to jiu-jitsu?

01:04:11.000 So I could watch the UFCs and not feel guilty.

01:04:15.000 Because I can't, nothing bothers me more when I see a blogger or an announcer that's never done a jumping jack.

01:04:21.000 And he's trying to cover the UFC. Nothing bothers me more than that.

01:04:26.000 So, I want you to understand.

01:04:29.000 I grew up with guys that were cops.

01:04:31.000 I talked to them.

01:04:32.000 I saw how they had to blow steam off because of the things they saw.

01:04:36.000 Yeah, they used their power. 1.00

01:04:38.000 They fucked around. 1.00

01:04:39.000 They were all bad lieutenants, if you want to call it. 1.00

01:04:43.000 The job itself, unless you're doing it, man, it's weird.

01:04:48.000 It's so weird.

01:04:49.000 It's a weird job.

01:04:50.000 You live in a different world than everybody else.

01:04:53.000 Do I appreciate police?

01:04:55.000 Listen, I've been arrested.

01:04:56.000 How many times have I been arrested?

01:04:57.000 A million.

01:04:58.000 You've been arrested a million times.

01:04:59.000 I've never had a problem with a cop.

01:05:02.000 I even had a cop pull over to a Chinese restaurant one time and let me get food handcuffed.

01:05:07.000 Well, you got good cops and you're a good guy.

01:05:10.000 Okay, that's number three.

01:05:12.000 I've never said the word pig on any podcast.

01:05:15.000 When I went to jail, I went to jail on my own accord.

01:05:17.000 It was my problem.

01:05:20.000 I've never given a cop a problem. 0.54

01:05:22.000 When they interrogated me, oh, I'll light you on fire.

01:05:25.000 If you want to get interrogated, you interrogate me.

01:05:28.000 I'll talk to you about the Cuban Missile Crisis.

01:05:30.000 laughter I'll get you.

01:05:34.000 Those two white dudes in Boulder had them confused to death.

01:05:38.000 I had them confused to death.

01:05:40.000 I was taking them on psychological rides.

01:05:43.000 Let me tell you something.

01:05:44.000 The one cop I faced on Facebook and started torturing him. 1.00

01:05:47.000 What is he, some dumb dude trying to interrogate you? 0.98

01:05:51.000 He lives in Telluride, and he was involved in the JonBenet Ramsey case. 0.98

01:05:56.000 So when I mentioned this name on a podcast one time, people started sending me messages.

01:06:00.000 They go, you know, we go to school with this kid. 1.00

01:06:03.000 His kid's a fucking moron. 1.00

01:06:04.000 Right? 1.00

01:06:07.000 They feel like his kid became a criminal, but the dad has gotten him out of trouble all his life. 1.00

01:06:12.000 The kid's a fucking criminal. 1.00

01:06:14.000 So the same people from Facebook hit me one day and they go, your buddy the cop retired. 1.00

01:06:20.000 So I sent him an email, hey, on Facebook, hey, listen, congratulations on your retirement. 0.98

01:06:25.000 Check out Joey Diaz on YouTube, cocksucker. 1.00

01:06:28.000 And I know he read it, but he didn't fucking reply. 1.00

01:06:32.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

01:06:33.000 That's hilarious.

01:06:34.000 I put him, dog, listen to what I did to that dude.

01:06:37.000 Just, there was two of them, all right? 1.00

01:06:40.000 There was a big white dude that The white dude, this is the fucking crazy thing. 0.87

01:06:46.000 I was not wanted, but I was questioned on the credit card situation in August of 85. Somebody had destroyed that mall with a credit card, and somebody said I fit the description. 0.98

01:06:59.000 So these two cops with uniforms kept asking me questions.

01:07:05.000 I worked at Foot Locker.

01:07:07.000 And they keep showing up every day.

01:07:09.000 Can we talk to you?

01:07:10.000 Yeah, the jewelry store says it's you.

01:07:12.000 Listen, pretty soon...

01:07:14.000 You know, they didn't have cameras then, Joe.

01:07:16.000 So they kept saying, pretty soon we're going to start getting the receipt and you're going to have to go in for whatever.

01:07:22.000 And they were coming every day and shake me down. 0.98

01:07:24.000 And I would go, guys, if I was a fucking credit card thief, would I be working for a locker? 0.99

01:07:31.000 So I was just buying time. 0.99

01:07:32.000 I knew they were going to catch me eventually.

01:07:35.000 That one cop even came to my house on a Sunday night, knocked on my door.

01:07:40.000 And said, we're getting the jean sizes tomorrow.

01:07:43.000 You might as well turn yourself in. 1.00

01:07:45.000 I'm like, dog, you got a warrant, get the fuck off my doorstep. 1.00

01:07:47.000 That night, that morning, I went to San Francisco. 0.99

01:07:51.000 A year later, I get arrested for kidnapping.

01:07:53.000 He gets promoted to detective.

01:07:55.000 He doesn't remember me from the credit card thing. 0.99

01:07:59.000 The whole time I'm sitting there going, when is this fucking cop gonna remember me from the credit card thing? 0.96

01:08:05.000 So you gotta remember, I turned myself in. 0.97

01:08:07.000 When I turned myself in, dog, and I pressed that buzzer and they opened that door, all the cops drew their guns on me and said, get on the floor, because I was wanted for kidnapping and kidnapping too. 0.96

01:08:18.000 They didn't know what I was packing, what type of person I was, so they handcuffed me, put me in a room that was white, made me wait for a half hour, then they came in and played their technique, which I've been doing to people all my fucking life. 0.95

01:08:31.000 I'm the one that would break into Joe Rogan's house and steal one shoe. 0.94

01:08:36.000 You take an ounce of Coke and you steal one shoe.

01:08:39.000 That's horrible.

01:08:39.000 Oh, that's horrible.

01:08:41.000 You steal that one favorite pair of shoe, you take one shoe and you throw it away.

01:08:45.000 That destroys people psychologically.

01:08:48.000 For years, they'll keep looking for that one shoe.

01:08:50.000 What happened?

01:08:51.000 And then every time you see them, you'll find that shoe.

01:08:54.000 No! 0.99

01:08:54.000 I fucking searched everywhere. 0.99

01:08:56.000 It's rude as fuck. 1.00

01:08:57.000 Oh yeah, I'm the fucking dirtiest bastard. 1.00

01:08:59.000 I know how to fucking flip-flop you. 1.00

01:09:01.000 So these guys get you in an interview room? 0.99

01:09:03.000 They get me into the interview room and they ask me what's going on and I'm talking to them and I go, I don't know what happened.

01:09:07.000 The guy showed up, the guy pulled the gun, next thing you know I was home.

01:09:12.000 And they're like, so what happened to the guy with the machine gun?

01:09:14.000 I don't know.

01:09:16.000 Did you know him?

01:09:17.000 I don't know.

01:09:18.000 You know, so how did you get there?

01:09:20.000 I had a bike.

01:09:21.000 But you just said you drove.

01:09:23.000 Yeah, I drove to get the bike. 0.96

01:09:25.000 I was just fucking with them because I wanted to get out because Don Johnson was marrying Sheila Easton on Miami Vice that night. 0.91

01:09:32.000 I had to be home by 9. That's all I cared about was his wedding. 1.00

01:09:36.000 So I'm fucking with the cops. 0.99

01:09:37.000 I'm like, I'm just going to go in there and talk to them, tell them the truth that, yeah, I went over there. 0.99

01:09:43.000 They were selling drugs, and I left.

01:09:44.000 I had nothing to do.

01:09:46.000 What kidnapping?

01:09:47.000 What are you talking about? 0.55

01:09:49.000 So we went back and forth for like six hours and I still remember them sitting there like with their hands down and me talking about like, you know, my uncle came from Cuba in 1952 and he worked for fucking this guy and they're like, what's this got to do with what we're talking about? 0.94

01:10:05.000 Dog, I tormented them. 0.51

01:10:07.000 And then I agreed to give the guy information.

01:10:11.000 And I would just give him, like, Red Band's driver's bike.

01:10:14.000 I swear to God.

01:10:16.000 I would give him Jamie's license plate.

01:10:19.000 Jamie's not a drug dealer.

01:10:20.000 But I would tell him that Jamie was running kilos internationally from Europe.

01:10:25.000 They would go through Jamie's life.

01:10:28.000 Imagine if Jamie was doing that.

01:10:29.000 And then they wouldn't find nothing. 0.99

01:10:31.000 So they would figure out the fucking Jamie. 0.99

01:10:34.000 I was playing him. 1.00

01:10:35.000 I was just giving him fake license plates.

01:10:37.000 How long did you do this for?

01:10:38.000 Six months.

01:10:39.000 They thought they would leave.

01:10:41.000 There's this guy.

01:10:42.000 I'm telling you he runs Big Coke from Columbia.

01:10:44.000 He knows the Ochoa brothers.

01:10:46.000 No!

01:10:46.000 Yeah!

01:10:47.000 So you were just making up this crazy narrative of feeding it to these yokels.

01:10:50.000 I was tormenting these two cops.

01:10:53.000 But the one cop wasn't going for it.

01:10:55.000 He didn't like me personally.

01:10:57.000 And I let him know that I didn't like him personally.

01:10:59.000 It's a movie. 1.00

01:11:01.000 I let him know that I hated him more than what he hated fucking me. 1.00

01:11:06.000 That's what I did. 1.00

01:11:07.000 I let him know that I hated him more.

01:11:08.000 And every time we went to court, he would sit there across from me.

01:11:12.000 But I had a good attorney, and it was burning him up because he wanted me for kidnapping.

01:11:16.000 But I'm like, nah, dawg, you didn't find no fingerprints on nothing.

01:11:20.000 Sorry, Charlie, not this time.

01:11:23.000 So he was chomping at the thing.

01:11:25.000 He went to all the hearings and said that, you know, they're like, we don't see nothing else on the record.

01:11:32.000 So if there's nothing else on the record, this is you against him.

01:11:36.000 No!

01:11:37.000 Doesn't work that way.

01:11:38.000 He kept saying, I was violent. 0.94

01:11:40.000 I was going to kill the community. 0.97

01:11:42.000 You know, he was one of those white evangelist type guys. 0.99

01:11:46.000 He even was so mad at me that he joined forces with my ex-wife in court afterward for like child hearings and shit like that. 0.98

01:11:54.000 That's how crazy it got. 0.98

01:11:56.000 Oh my God.

01:11:57.000 He was there when I went off one day, Cuban style.

01:11:59.000 And that's the last time I saw him.

01:12:02.000 Cuban style.

01:12:04.000 The last time I went to court, remember the last time I went to court with my wife, it was the same judge that sentenced me.

01:12:10.000 Oh no.

01:12:11.000 Only he was in civil court now.

01:12:13.000 But here's the beauty.

01:12:14.000 I kept writing him letters every month. 1.00

01:12:16.000 Because that's the type of motherfucker I am. 1.00

01:12:18.000 You write him letters? 1.00

01:12:19.000 From the minute I got sentenced to jail.

01:12:22.000 What do the letters say?

01:12:23.000 How you doing, Judge Belloponte?

01:12:24.000 My name is Joey Diaz.

01:12:25.000 Thank you for your sentence.

01:12:27.000 I'm starting to learn what it's all about to be a man.

01:12:30.000 For the last 28 years, I've been running amok.

01:12:33.000 Every month, every month on the 1st, he got a letter from me.

01:12:36.000 When I got out of the jail, I doubled up.

01:12:38.000 I got a job as a car salesman.

01:12:41.000 I really enjoy it.

01:12:42.000 Thank you for giving me the opportunity.

01:12:44.000 Did he ever write you back?

01:12:45.000 Never.

01:12:46.000 Wow.

01:12:47.000 Never.

01:12:47.000 But I wrote him letters, wrote him letters, wrote him letters, wrote him letters.

01:12:51.000 I got out of jail February of 89. I wrote him letters.

01:12:55.000 I went in front of him in May of 95. He was a civil judge and I was still writing him letters.

01:13:02.000 I told him I was trying comedy.

01:13:04.000 I was getting divorced. 0.99

01:13:05.000 My wife was breaking my balls. 1.00

01:13:08.000 We end up in court in front of him. 1.00

01:13:11.000 The fucking boyfriend's got a stake over his eye because I smacked him because he called me a speck. 1.00

01:13:16.000 So I smacked him in the face at Safeway. 1.00

01:13:19.000 So they're trying to get me for assault.

01:13:22.000 Oh yeah.

01:13:23.000 Tremendous afternoon.

01:13:24.000 What does the judge say?

01:13:25.000 And the judge goes, number one, you gotta throw your case out because it's the city limits of Boulder.

01:13:32.000 You can't use a racial slur.

01:13:34.000 If you use a racial slur in the city limits of Boulder. 1.00

01:13:36.000 Someone can just beat your ass? 1.00

01:13:37.000 It's called the J.J. Flanagan law. 1.00

01:13:40.000 And number two, then he attacked my wife. 1.00

01:13:44.000 He was like, listen, you fucking come back in here again with this shit. 1.00

01:13:50.000 It's contempt of court. 1.00

01:13:53.000 So all those years of writing paid off?

01:13:55.000 All those years.

01:13:56.000 So my wife got mad, the ex got mad, and on the walk out of there was when I did something that to this day I regret.

01:14:05.000 It was that bad, like how bad I went off.

01:14:09.000 But it was four years of getting tortured.

01:14:13.000 Think of you torturing me for four years.

01:14:17.000 I'm financially done.

01:14:18.000 I'm financially ruined. 0.77

01:14:21.000 I'm trying to feature, and I'm getting heat because I'm dirty.

01:14:25.000 Oh, I remember those days.

01:14:27.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:14:29.000 That's the hard road, right? 0.98

01:14:30.000 So I was featuring in dirty bars, but they would make me MC at the clubs, and they made me work clean and read the announcements and shit. 0.95

01:14:39.000 In some comics. 0.92

01:14:40.000 Some comics didn't want you on the show.

01:14:42.000 A lot of comics didn't want me on the show.

01:14:44.000 I wasn't throwing heat then, no.

01:14:48.000 I just was doing well.

01:14:49.000 I was holding my own. 0.96

01:14:50.000 Yeah, but Joey, even when I met you in the beginning, you were dirty. 0.95

01:14:54.000 Yes, yes.

01:14:56.000 But for some people, that's like a deal breaker.

01:14:59.000 I went clean for the first three years, and it wasn't me.

01:15:02.000 I was trying to be Lenny Clark with his suit.

01:15:04.000 I mimicked Lenny Clark first, but I like Bill Hicks, and I love Richard Pryor.

01:15:09.000 Shout out to my friend Lenny.

01:15:11.000 Lenny had a bit of a medical situation come up.

01:15:14.000 Send him my love.

01:15:15.000 I knew he was on the show.

01:15:16.000 He's doing better now.

01:15:17.000 He's gone through some medical problems.

01:15:20.000 He's a good man.

01:15:21.000 He's a very good man.

01:15:22.000 I met him at the store and I told him exactly how I felt and why I wore a suit the first three years of my career, but it didn't work.

01:15:29.000 Because of him?

01:15:30.000 Because of him.

01:15:31.000 I opened up for him the second time I ever got paid.

01:15:34.000 First time I got paid, Warren McDonald took me on the road, did a shitty gig in the middle of nowhere.

01:15:39.000 Second time I got paid, I did Jay's in Pittsfield, opening up for Lenny Clark, and I couldn't believe it.

01:15:45.000 I couldn't believe it.

01:15:47.000 Lenny Clark, who I saw on TV, and I'm hanging out with him and his brother, and his brother wound up giving me gigs.

01:15:52.000 Mike Clark, still a good friend to this day.

01:15:55.000 That was 31 years ago.

01:15:58.000 Love that guy.

01:15:59.000 How crazy has his journey been?

01:16:01.000 It's crazy. 0.99

01:16:01.000 I worked for Mike Clark once in a restaurant where you'd be in the middle of your set and the fucking PA system would take over your microphone. 0.99

01:16:10.000 Johnson, party to your table's ready. 0.98

01:16:12.000 They would cut you in the middle of your set.

01:16:14.000 And I didn't know it until I got on stage.

01:16:16.000 So I'm on stage talking to the crowd and it just became the funniest part of the act.

01:16:20.000 It was just... 0.99

01:16:21.000 Making fun of how pathetic my life is. 1.00

01:16:23.000 I'm at a fucking fish restaurant down the Cape, and in the middle of talking, my fucking, my bits get cut off by people getting announced that their table's ready. 1.00

01:16:32.000 Well, it's like those car shows. 0.99

01:16:33.000 People just start honking their horns.

01:16:35.000 It's like, alright, can somebody kick off this, kick out this horn?

01:16:38.000 Bert said they don't do that.

01:16:39.000 He said they do that, like, at the end when they're laughing at stuff.

01:16:42.000 No, there's a lot of amateur open mic versions of them and stuff like that.

01:16:46.000 And that's like, you know, you got people just blasting their horn.

01:16:50.000 You know, Mark Norman said it best.

01:16:52.000 Mark Norman's a very smart man.

01:16:53.000 He said it best.

01:16:54.000 He said, this is methadone comedy.

01:16:56.000 He goes, I want my fix, man.

01:16:58.000 He goes, I want the real deal. 1.00

01:17:00.000 I don't want this fucking park comedy. 0.99

01:17:03.000 He said he bombed in a park and he actually heard crickets. 1.00

01:17:06.000 Real crickets.

01:17:07.000 Oh, God.

01:17:08.000 That's hilarious.

01:17:10.000 You know what, dawg? 0.99

01:17:13.000 I worked real fucking hard. 0.99

01:17:16.000 My joke gig was I worked on Wednesday nights in an Italian restaurant where the guy was the cook but he was also an Elvis impersonator. 0.99

01:17:25.000 And he had been an Elvis impersonator for 20 years in Vegas.

01:17:29.000 He met Elvis.

01:17:30.000 He was the worst Elvis impersonator.

01:17:32.000 He was Italian. 0.63

01:17:34.000 He was 150 pounds overweight.

01:17:36.000 So he would bring you the food and then he would turn into Elvis.

01:17:40.000 I would go up on stage and do 10, and then he would go up there and just put Elvis music on and sing over it.

01:17:47.000 That was my fifth year in comedy.

01:17:50.000 I'm like, what am I going to do with my life?

01:17:52.000 Every Wednesday night, that was my 10 o'clock gig.

01:17:56.000 It was like 12 people in the restaurant.

01:17:58.000 And he would go up there and sing his own, it's now or never.

01:18:02.000 Oh my God. 1.00

01:18:03.000 And he was fucking terrible. 1.00

01:18:05.000 And then I would have to sit throughout the whole show. 1.00

01:18:08.000 He would give me spaghetti and meatballs to take home, which I don't have to tell you.

01:18:12.000 At that level, it's like a steak.

01:18:14.000 It's breakfast and lunch the next day.

01:18:17.000 So I had to sit through his whole set.

01:18:20.000 God forbid he did an encore.

01:18:22.000 Every time he did an encore, he would get a heartburn for an hour.

01:18:25.000 Please finish the song. 0.99

01:18:27.000 So I went through that shit, you know. 0.98

01:18:29.000 That was... 0.99

01:18:30.000 I love all those stories.

01:18:32.000 Those stories.

01:18:34.000 Those terrible gigs.

01:18:35.000 They make you better.

01:18:36.000 They make you better.

01:18:37.000 But you can't live on a steady diet of them.

01:18:39.000 It's like, here's the deal.

01:18:40.000 You can't do deadlifts with 500 pounds every day. 1.00

01:18:43.000 You'll break your fucking back. 1.00

01:18:45.000 You'll tear your knees apart. 1.00

01:18:46.000 You'll rip your shoulders apart.

01:18:48.000 But you can do it every now and then.

01:18:49.000 You gotta give your body enough time to recover and actually improve. 0.98

01:18:52.000 If you do those fucking terrible hell gigs every single night, it changes your act. 0.99

01:18:58.000 You get armored. 0.99

01:19:00.000 You lose your ability to take pauses.

01:19:03.000 You lose your ability to set up a point and then Really hit it home hard like change tempos you have to keep on them bang bang bang bang drunk bars You got to keep on a bang bang bang which is fine, but it's not you shouldn't do it all the time no,

01:19:20.000 but I used the uncle Joey Coco Diaz method Which was I had an 1145 at the store which meant that was really going up at 1215 and I was a coke junkie.

01:19:31.000 There was no way I was going to hold off till 1215. Are you doing math?

01:19:34.000 No. 0.99

01:19:35.000 I got to write the plan out so people see that there's a method of my fucking madness, okay? 0.86

01:19:40.000 So in those days, Felipe Espanza had a room. 0.94

01:19:43.000 Willie Barsena had a room.

01:19:44.000 All those guys had bar rooms.

01:19:46.000 And I knew in those days that I had to prepare two different sets.

01:19:52.000 I had to have my bar set, which was pretty basically dirty, and then you had to go acapella because sometimes you gotta go up during the Laker game.

01:20:01.000 You're not gonna turn off a Laker game in Orange County.

01:20:05.000 They love Joe Rogan, but you ain't gonna turn off a Laker game.

01:20:09.000 It's just not gonna happen.

01:20:10.000 The Bruins back in Boston was the Bruins.

01:20:12.000 Yeah, it's not gonna happen.

01:20:13.000 So you gotta wait for the Laker game to go on.

01:20:16.000 You know how many of those George Perez Fly.

01:20:20.000 I still shout those guys out.

01:20:22.000 Rudy Moreno.

01:20:23.000 All those guys had early gigs for us.

01:20:26.000 That fed us.

01:20:28.000 Gave you 50, 60 bucks.

01:20:30.000 And then you killed time.

01:20:33.000 You stopped at King Taco.

01:20:35.000 And then you got to the store at 11. Joe would be at news radio until 10.30 rehearsing.

01:20:41.000 You would show up late.

01:20:43.000 When I first met you, you were still rehearsing.

01:20:46.000 Friday nights, you would shoot on Friday nights and then You would do this spot on Friday night, and I would go on after you.

01:20:54.000 And you were on 1130. That was not 1045 days yet.

01:20:59.000 Yeah.

01:21:00.000 You were still getting a quarter to 12. I was very lucky I didn't have a social life.

01:21:03.000 So I could just, you know, I didn't have friends out here.

01:21:06.000 So I would just do the show and then go to the store and then hang out with those guys.

01:21:11.000 I didn't really know anybody yet.

01:21:13.000 So it was good.

01:21:14.000 I got a lot of work done.

01:21:15.000 But the thing about stand-up is...

01:21:19.000 What we had at the store that was really unusual was also what you were talking about with Tuesday Nights.

01:21:23.000 It was a murderer's row in a way that I've never seen before.

01:21:28.000 Like, every night you would go there, it would be Jessel Neck, Eliza, D'Elia, you, Nick Swartzen.

01:21:37.000 It was just murderer after murderer after murderer.

01:21:39.000 It really got heavy.

01:21:40.000 Ron White.

01:21:41.000 Oh my god, Ron White would come in and destroy...

01:21:44.000 Ali Wong.

01:21:45.000 Ali Wong. 1.00

01:21:45.000 As Nancy Dressler, whatever her fucking state's name was. 1.00

01:21:49.000 Ian Edwards, Owen Smith, Tom Segura, Burk Krascher, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. 1.00

01:21:56.000 Those lineups were fucking death, man. 0.99

01:21:59.000 You ought to come out guns blazing. 1.00

01:22:01.000 And a lot of people got upset at those lineups.

01:22:03.000 They're like, I can't get a spot.

01:22:04.000 I can't get a spot. 0.99

01:22:05.000 This is fucked up. 1.00

01:22:05.000 And they get mad. 1.00

01:22:06.000 You know, I feel like these people don't respect me.

01:22:09.000 And there's like this talk.

01:22:10.000 We need more women. 1.00

01:22:11.000 There was all this talk.

01:22:12.000 We need more this.

01:22:12.000 We need more that.

01:22:13.000 The bottom line is, that was a murderer's road.

01:22:17.000 It was so hard to find a spot.

01:22:19.000 Because what are you going to do? 1.00

01:22:21.000 You got Santino, you got Ian Edwards, you got all these people back to back to back to back that are just fucking killers. 1.00

01:22:28.000 Killer after killer. 1.00

01:22:30.000 Where's the Spotify lighters?

01:22:33.000 Where's the good one?

01:22:34.000 Yeah, that's not even a Bic. 1.00

01:22:35.000 What is that?

01:22:36.000 This is from Geno.

01:22:37.000 I want a Spotify lighter.

01:22:38.000 This is a Speedweed lighter.

01:22:39.000 I want a Spotify lighter.

01:22:42.000 You'd probably turn this volume down.

01:22:44.000 Here, hold on.

01:22:45.000 Oh, it's dead.

01:22:46.000 Hey, what kind of whiskey is that, by the way?

01:22:47.000 I mean, that's the closest to tasting a saddle I've ever tasted.

01:22:51.000 This is John.

01:22:52.000 No, those are two different whiskeys.

01:22:53.000 This is Buffalo Trace, the first stuff we had that you enjoyed.

01:22:56.000 Another stuff which I love is Warbringer, the War Master Edition.

01:23:01.000 This is Josh Barnett's personal whiskey.

01:23:04.000 It's for men! 0.99

01:23:05.000 That taste is like a man, cowboy.

01:23:08.000 How do we have no lighters here? 1.00

01:23:10.000 How is it even possible we don't have lighters in this fucking place? 1.00

01:23:15.000 That's crazy. 0.99

01:23:15.000 You don't want to use a Zippo either. 0.99

01:23:17.000 You don't?

01:23:18.000 No, because you get the fumes from the Zippo juice.

01:23:21.000 I had a lighter.

01:23:23.000 How do we not have lighters?

01:23:23.000 We had some, and I gave them to you to hide, I think, and I don't know where they went.

01:23:27.000 He's a good hider.

01:23:28.000 Look inside that skull eye.

01:23:30.000 I probably hit him so well, I stole him for myself.

01:23:35.000 I know, look in the skull eye.

01:23:36.000 Maybe that's right.

01:23:38.000 Worst comes to worst, I have one in my car somewhere.

01:23:39.000 Maybe go to your car, because this is not happening.

01:23:45.000 How crazy is it? 0.99

01:23:46.000 We've got to send Red Band out to his fucking car in order to get a lighter. 0.99

01:23:50.000 So, I think that's the first time you've ever handed me breaking news in the middle of a show. 0.98

01:23:55.000 It is very important.

01:23:57.000 Breaking news.

01:24:00.000 I saw it literally within 45 seconds of him tweeting it out.

01:24:03.000 So I was like, ah, what do I do here?

01:24:05.000 Maybe he should be a great president.

01:24:07.000 Let's see.

01:24:09.000 They should just switch positions.

01:24:17.000 People keep telling me, dude, there's nothing wrong with him, he just has a stutter.

01:24:21.000 People keep saying that. 1.00

01:24:22.000 Like, everybody at 78 is fucked. 1.00

01:24:25.000 Everybody. 1.00

01:24:26.000 Who's not fucked at 78? 1.00

01:24:28.000 Find me a guy. 1.00

01:24:29.000 Find me a guy.

01:24:30.000 When I'm 78, don't take any of my advice.

01:24:32.000 I probably won't know what I'm talking about.

01:24:34.000 I'll probably be high as a kite. 0.99

01:24:36.000 Oh shit, Brian's got a lighter. 0.99

01:24:38.000 When I'm 78, I'll be like Tommy Chong. 1.00

01:24:41.000 High as a kite, talking shit. 1.00

01:24:43.000 I love Tommy Chong. 1.00

01:24:44.000 I love him too.

01:24:51.000 I've been doing comedy and virtual reality and now it's the closest to feeling like you're in front of people, I thought.

01:24:56.000 That makes sense.

01:24:57.000 Are you doing it like in an Oculus or is it?

01:25:01.000 Valve Index.

01:25:02.000 So it's like the best one.

01:25:03.000 Good refresh rate.

01:25:05.000 Can people record you?

01:25:07.000 Yeah, but I live stream it anyway.

01:25:10.000 Oh, there you go.

01:25:11.000 But it's cool to test out new jokes, because there's like 20 people there.

01:25:14.000 And they laugh, and they react.

01:25:16.000 They're all like, you know, like Spongebob's excited.

01:25:20.000 Comedy's different with a small amount of people.

01:25:22.000 There's a good kind of comedy that you can get out of a small amount of people.

01:25:26.000 It's like you get an honest comedy. 1.00

01:25:29.000 Because you can't put on a stupid show for three people. 1.00

01:25:33.000 You have to really talk to them. 1.00

01:25:35.000 You know?

01:25:36.000 Yeah.

01:25:36.000 It's weird.

01:25:37.000 But you also don't get those big bits.

01:25:40.000 You're not going to develop big bits.

01:25:41.000 Oh no, it's all tags.

01:25:43.000 It's all like new ideas and stuff like that.

01:25:46.000 Sometimes you have good bits.

01:25:48.000 Sometimes bits come from that though.

01:25:50.000 It depends really entirely on how fun the people are, the audience member.

01:25:54.000 Anybody says that the audience doesn't matter.

01:25:57.000 It's like it's not the audience, it's the comedian. 1.00

01:25:59.000 You're fucking crazy. 1.00

01:26:00.000 You're crazy. 1.00

01:26:01.000 Of course it's the audience too. 1.00

01:26:02.000 It's a bunch of people together.

01:26:03.000 It's everybody.

01:26:05.000 Every single interaction between two people, unless somebody comes up from behind you and hits you in the head, involves you and them interacting.

01:26:11.000 There's a lot of pieces in place. 0.93

01:26:15.000 If there's a fucking group of people and then you're telling jokes, of course it matters who the audience is. 1.00

01:26:20.000 Whoever the fuck said that's an idiot. 1.00

01:26:22.000 It doesn't matter. 1.00

01:26:24.000 There's no such thing as a bad crowd, only a bad comedian. 1.00

01:26:27.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:26:29.000 You don't know what you're talking about. 1.00

01:26:31.000 It's funny.

01:26:32.000 There's that Peacock thing.

01:26:34.000 It's an app from NBC. It's free, and you get all these old episodes.

01:26:38.000 And so I've been watching old Johnny Carson episodes.

01:26:41.000 And it's weird.

01:26:41.000 The monologue is so interesting.

01:26:44.000 It's like history.

01:26:45.000 Like, oh, we're going through the gas crisis of 1979, or blah, blah, blah.

01:26:49.000 But it's also interesting just to hear them talking about all that stuff, like the old days.

01:26:55.000 And seeing Richard Pryor on with Bette Davis.

01:26:58.000 They're smoking cigarettes while they're playing.

01:27:01.000 It's such an interesting time capsule, that is.

01:27:05.000 Yeah, those days, man, them bell-bottoms days.

01:27:08.000 Bell-bottoms and long collars.

01:27:10.000 People were living different then. 0.99

01:27:12.000 I remember fucking watching Letterman in 82. That was my thing. 0.98

01:27:18.000 When I first got turned on to Letterman, a friend of mine turned me on to Letterman.

01:27:22.000 And I thought it was the greatest thing ever.

01:27:24.000 Who's the first comic you saw?

01:27:27.000 Live?

01:27:27.000 Yeah.

01:27:30.000 The first comic I listened to I can't even fucking say the album cover because I'll get in trouble. 0.86

01:27:37.000 I went to my friend's house to listen to The Beatles. 0.97

01:27:43.000 And his brother was a junkie.

01:27:45.000 And he came out of the room.

01:27:47.000 I was about eight, maybe nine, and he came out of the room. 1.00

01:27:50.000 He goes, what the fuck kind of music is that shit? 1.00

01:27:53.000 The fuck you listen to? 1.00

01:27:55.000 Take that shit off. 1.00

01:27:56.000 I'm like, it's The Beatles. 1.00

01:27:57.000 He's like, fuck The Beatles. 0.99

01:27:59.000 And he put on Richard Pryor. 1.00

01:28:03.000 The crazy. 1.00

01:28:05.000 And my fucking head went off a swivel, Joe Rogan. 1.00

01:28:08.000 Like, it just completely went off a swivel. 1.00

01:28:10.000 I ran home to the bar and I worked my mom for five bucks. 1.00

01:28:14.000 And I went to the album store.

01:28:16.000 Albums were $4.99, you know?

01:28:19.000 And I just had to get that album.

01:28:21.000 I went home and played it.

01:28:23.000 I would hide it from my mother because you could put the album down and then put another album on top that was going to drop.

01:28:30.000 So if your mom came in, you automatically dropped so she couldn't hear.

01:28:35.000 And then I bought Bicentennial.

01:28:38.000 And that put me over the top.

01:28:41.000 Now, there was no dream of me being a comic at this time. 0.98

01:28:44.000 I just thought the things he was saying were so fucking me. 0.81

01:28:50.000 Like, I wanted to be able to talk like that. 0.99

01:28:52.000 I'm Cuban. 0.99

01:28:53.000 I figured if I talked like that, I could influence motherfuckers and win people over. 1.00

01:28:58.000 Because I had that little insecurity about being an immigrant. 0.99

01:29:02.000 But if I spoke like that, and I could be that funny...

01:29:06.000 So I just started mimicking him.

01:29:08.000 And I would bring that album to people's houses and the kids would be 10. And the mothers would catch us.

01:29:14.000 And still today, there's a kid, Ray Cannella, his mother, still mad at me for bringing over Richard Pryor.

01:29:21.000 There were like three mothers that got mad at me.

01:29:24.000 For Lucio Fernandez, that's a committee man in Union City, he told me and my wife, we were eating one day, and he goes, let me tell you something about your husband.

01:29:34.000 He fucking turned me on to Richard Pryor when we were 10, and I remember getting in trouble, because I brought the album on.

01:29:41.000 I was that young, already into, and then I got into Red Fox, and then Lenny Bruce got into it, and then I saw Carlin on HBO, and that was tremendous. 0.99

01:29:52.000 And then I saw Freddie Prinze.

01:29:54.000 And then I was partial to Freddie Prince.

01:29:56.000 I related to Freddie Prince because he was Spanish.

01:30:00.000 So that gave me, like, hope.

01:30:02.000 Like, kind of, you know, maybe, you know what I'm saying?

01:30:05.000 Like, Spanish people could do stand-up. 1.00

01:30:07.000 Then he shot himself.

01:30:09.000 And I remember that night the way, like, I still remember the night that kid killed himself.

01:30:14.000 Like, we didn't get the news like you get it now.

01:30:18.000 Like, I got the news when we were out that night.

01:30:21.000 He had shot himself the night before or the early morning or whatever.

01:30:25.000 But I still remember him getting shot.

01:30:28.000 What year was this?

01:30:29.000 I was...

01:30:30.000 I had to be...

01:30:35.000 74, 75. I was staying with my grandfather in Newark during the Chico and the Man days.

01:30:42.000 Chico and the Man followed Sanford and Son.

01:30:45.000 Exactly.

01:30:45.000 On Friday night at 8 o'clock.

01:30:47.000 My grandfather loved Sanford and Son.

01:30:48.000 During Lent with a white pizza? 1.00

01:30:50.000 Are you talking to the fucking... 1.00

01:30:51.000 With a white pizza? 1.00

01:30:53.000 Sanford and Son?

01:30:54.000 Pull up a picture of Chico and the Man. 1.00

01:30:57.000 It was a good fucking show. 0.99

01:30:58.000 It was Freddie Prince. 1.00

01:30:59.000 And the old man.

01:31:00.000 He was on top of the world, too, man.

01:31:02.000 That was the weird thing.

01:31:03.000 Oh, my God.

01:31:03.000 He was hosting The Tonight Show.

01:31:05.000 They were grooming him to take over The Tonight Show.

01:31:09.000 When you hear about a guy like that taking his own life, you're like, there's no way.

01:31:12.000 And then you and I were driving from Dallas to Houston.

01:31:15.000 We pulled over at a record store, and we bought a thing of him live from Chicago, and it was terrible.

01:31:25.000 Yeah, it wasn't good.

01:31:27.000 It was really bad.

01:31:29.000 It was really bad.

01:31:30.000 Well, you know the problem was, Joey?

01:31:31.000 It was a 1973 comedy.

01:31:33.000 Yeah, it was 1973 comedy.

01:31:35.000 And it's 73 comedy, not Richard Pryor, you know?

01:31:38.000 I mean, there was guys like Richard Pryor that were, to this day, like if you go back and listen to some of Richard Pryor's stuff, it still holds up.

01:31:45.000 It still holds up.

01:31:46.000 And Jose Feliciano sang The Tank.

01:31:48.000 Yes!

01:31:49.000 Oh my God.

01:31:50.000 Yeah!

01:31:50.000 Chico...

01:31:53.000 Whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

01:31:54.000 I don't remember how it goes, but I remember it. 0.99

01:31:56.000 Oh, man.

01:31:57.000 I like that show.

01:31:59.000 It just made me real sad.

01:32:00.000 I remember thinking, like, how does someone who's that...

01:32:04.000 He's killing it.

01:32:06.000 He's got his own TV show.

01:32:07.000 He's hilarious.

01:32:08.000 Handsome.

01:32:09.000 Is the man the guy from Charlie and the Charlie Factory?

01:32:12.000 I just saw it. 1.00

01:32:13.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:32:13.000 Oh, that's not his cool name anymore. 0.99

01:32:18.000 The old guy laying in bed with other guys. 1.00

01:32:21.000 These motherfuckers were shooting guns at the comedy store. 1.00

01:32:25.000 Him and fucking Pryor were shooting guns. 1.00

01:32:27.000 Well, it's that cocaine, man. 1.00

01:32:28.000 That cocaine, those guns.

01:32:30.000 That cocaine, those guns.

01:32:32.000 Think about it.

01:32:33.000 He was hanging out at the comedy store at Red Band, that kid.

01:32:37.000 And he was at the...

01:32:38.000 Him, Kaplan, they were all at the comedy store at that time. 0.99

01:32:42.000 And you gotta think, he's also super famous, rich as fuck, 21, and doing coke. 0.99

01:32:49.000 This kid? 1.00

01:32:50.000 Yeah.

01:32:51.000 How old was he when he died?

01:32:52.000 Real young.

01:32:53.000 How old was Freddie Prinze when he died?

01:32:56.000 I don't even think...

01:32:57.000 Is Freddie Prinze Jr. related at all?

01:32:59.000 Yes, that's his son.

01:33:00.000 Yeah, that's his son.

01:33:01.000 How old is he?

01:33:04.000 22?

01:33:05.000 He was...

01:33:05.000 Jeez!

01:33:09.000 Holy shit, man. 1.00

01:33:10.000 You know why I still remember that night? 0.99

01:33:11.000 You want me to tell you why I remember that night?

01:33:13.000 Who?

01:33:14.000 Want me to tell you why I remember that night specifically? 0.97

01:33:17.000 Because on the way home, it was so fucking cold. 0.87

01:33:21.000 That I had to cut through the cemetery. 1.00

01:33:23.000 And when I was walking through the cemetery, I had to take a shit. 1.00

01:33:26.000 Oh no. 1.00

01:33:27.000 And I went in front of a fucking casket. 1.00

01:33:29.000 The guy had been buried in like 1920. So I go, fuck it. 1.00

01:33:33.000 He's got no family left, right? 1.00

01:33:35.000 It was freezing, Joe Rogan.

01:33:37.000 Freezing.

01:33:38.000 I pull my pants down to my knees.

01:33:40.000 I squat. 0.99

01:33:41.000 I take a shit and I start pissing. 0.99

01:33:44.000 And all of a sudden I go to get up and I pissed in my own pants. 0.99

01:33:47.000 My pants were frozen. 1.00

01:33:49.000 I had to walk home like the Tin Man because the piss went right into the fucking pants. 0.99

01:33:54.000 So my pants and I walked in and my mother was there. 0.99

01:33:56.000 Oh my God. 1.00

01:33:57.000 And she's like, my mother would do surprise attacks on Friday nights on me, like fucked up. 1.00

01:34:04.000 Like she gave me the clearance, but like once a month I get a surprise attack. 0.99

01:34:08.000 And that was one of the surprise attacks.

01:34:10.000 And I walked in with pee on me and she's like, what are we doing here?

01:34:14.000 What do I gotta do? 0.60

01:34:16.000 I gotta kill another chicken? 1.00

01:34:18.000 Are you retarded? 1.00

01:34:19.000 Are you fucking retarded? 1.00

01:34:21.000 What are we doing here? 1.00

01:34:22.000 Yeah, like, I can't take this no more. 0.96

01:34:24.000 Your son walks in with frozen piss all over his pants. 1.00

01:34:27.000 What are we doing here is the funniest shit you could say to me. 1.00

01:34:30.000 And every time I came home with an idea, my mother turned to Santeria. 0.99

01:34:34.000 Like, that's it.

01:34:34.000 I gotta call your godmother.

01:34:36.000 I can't handle this no more.

01:34:38.000 When I started dressing up like Bruce Lee and I had incense in my room...

01:34:42.000 And a bowl of rice.

01:34:43.000 Did you have the kung fu clothes?

01:34:45.000 Oh, yeah.

01:34:46.000 Oh, I had the outfit, the white shirt that you folded.

01:34:49.000 I bowed.

01:34:50.000 There's quite a few dudes to adopt that look.

01:34:52.000 I only ate rice. 0.99

01:34:53.000 I fucking learned how to use charm sticks. 1.00

01:34:55.000 My mother would go, that's it. 1.00

01:34:57.000 You got to go to your godmother's house.

01:34:58.000 You got a problem. 1.00

01:34:59.000 You're retarded. 1.00

01:35:00.000 Something's wrong with you. 1.00

01:35:01.000 You're not Chinese, stupid. 1.00

01:35:03.000 You're not Chinese. 1.00

01:35:04.000 And that would make up reasons why I was Chinese.

01:35:07.000 It used to be that you could dress like you did kung fu.

01:35:11.000 Nobody would even say anything.

01:35:12.000 They'd be like, that guy's really into the arts.

01:35:14.000 You could walk around with them little skinny, tiny black cloth shoes with a tiny, like, tan heel.

01:35:22.000 Remember those, Joey?

01:35:23.000 They're basically slippers.

01:35:24.000 They were slippers.

01:35:25.000 They're like kung fu slippers.

01:35:26.000 And dudes would wear white socks, and they would have the full kung fu outfit on, and they'd just walk around the street like that.

01:35:32.000 And you'd be like, alright, what are you going to do?

01:35:36.000 Yeah, there's the kung fu shoes.

01:35:38.000 I had those.

01:35:40.000 You'd just walk around with those, man.

01:35:42.000 They would walk around with those shoes and it's a nice shortcut to instantly you seem like a guy who thinks of things in a different way.

01:35:50.000 You seem spiritual.

01:35:52.000 You're in touch with your chi and your energy.

01:35:54.000 You can talk about Chinese medicine. 1.00

01:35:56.000 You can say a lot of stupid shit if you're wearing those slippers. 1.00

01:36:00.000 And some dumb kung fu clothes. 1.00

01:36:02.000 I used to walk around with that shit. 1.00

01:36:04.000 My girlfriend's making me do this right now, like having outdoor slippers, indoor slippers. 1.00

01:36:08.000 Oh, that's a good move.

01:36:08.000 And like slippers I can leave the house with.

01:36:10.000 That's a good move just for your health.

01:36:12.000 Yeah, but have three different slippers.

01:36:13.000 The problem is if you leave your shoes on when you come in the house, you're tracking all kinds of garbage from the outside.

01:36:19.000 That is actually a good move.

01:36:20.000 But the kung fu outfit, not so much.

01:36:23.000 About three weeks before my mother died, she would never be home on Friday nights.

01:36:29.000 Because she was a degenerate gambler. 1.00

01:36:31.000 So she would hit the tracks on Friday nights. 0.63

01:36:34.000 But every once in a while, she'd surprise attack me.

01:36:37.000 I'd have to use the Visine.

01:36:39.000 I didn't really...

01:36:40.000 You know, I would drink Boone's...

01:36:42.000 Boone?

01:36:42.000 Boone's Farm?

01:36:43.000 Yeah, Strawberry Hill.

01:36:45.000 Strawberry Boone's Farm.

01:36:46.000 Strawberry Hill?

01:36:46.000 That's how I started.

01:36:48.000 And then I wouldn't really drink as much.

01:36:50.000 My thing was the marijuana.

01:36:52.000 That was my thing.

01:36:53.000 And I didn't want her to catch me.

01:36:55.000 So I'd Visine it.

01:36:56.000 And I tried to act normal. 0.99

01:36:59.000 And fucking, I got high with this girl and I didn't know, you know, we were swapping spit and I ate her monkey and she was bleeding. 1.00

01:37:09.000 I didn't know. 1.00

01:37:10.000 I didn't even know her period existed. 0.99

01:37:12.000 I didn't know what the fuck it was. 0.99

01:37:13.000 And I walk in my house. 0.99

01:37:25.000 Did she know?

01:37:29.000 No!

01:37:30.000 She didn't know what it was?

01:37:30.000 No, I didn't tell her.

01:37:32.000 I was embarrassed. 0.99

01:37:34.000 I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. 0.98

01:37:35.000 I was 15 years old. 0.99

01:37:36.000 Didn't you think she just assumed?

01:37:39.000 That it was blood from a period?

01:37:41.000 Yeah.

01:37:41.000 No!

01:37:42.000 Listen, wouldn't she ask you if you got in a fight then?

01:37:45.000 She asked me what happened and I was like, I cut my lip and she's like, how? 0.99

01:37:49.000 How the fuck did you cut your lip? 0.99

01:37:51.000 And I'm like, I don't know. 1.00

01:37:52.000 And I made up some fucking fake story. 0.99

01:37:54.000 But don't you think she knew you were lying? 1.00

01:37:56.000 Moms know.

01:37:58.000 You're lying to a mom. 0.57

01:37:59.000 I did that once and I went to Starbucks, but I was like 35. She caught me with a girl once.

01:38:04.000 And the girl was hiding in the closet. 0.99

01:38:08.000 And I'll never forget, my mom came into my room, looked around, looked at me, and she just slid the closet.

01:38:14.000 It was one of those sliding closets.

01:38:16.000 And the girl was just standing there topless. 1.00

01:38:18.000 And she goes, get out. 1.00

01:38:20.000 Get out! 1.00

01:38:21.000 And then she would call them whores and shit. 1.00

01:38:24.000 No! 1.00

01:38:25.000 No, oh my god.

01:38:26.000 I used to date the girl that lived in my backyard. 1.00

01:38:29.000 The poor girl. 1.00

01:38:29.000 I used to date a girl in our backyards connected. 1.00

01:38:32.000 We were in love in the sixth grade.

01:38:34.000 It's the reason why I got left back.

01:38:37.000 In the sixth grade, I fell in love.

01:38:39.000 No sex. 0.72

01:38:40.000 I fell in love.

01:38:41.000 No sex at all.

01:38:42.000 I just fell in love with her.

01:38:44.000 She made me a promise that in June, when school ended, we were going to start dating official. 0.99

01:38:50.000 We could make out and shit. 0.98

01:38:51.000 Before that, we would just hug and kiss each other in the cheek. 1.00

01:38:55.000 And we would play hooky and do stupid shit and go to Union City. 1.00

01:38:58.000 And I'd spend money on her at fucking this little amusement park and shit. 1.00

01:39:03.000 And one day they fucking called home and my mother answered the phone. 0.99

01:39:08.000 And my mom started yelling, and the girl's parents were home. 1.00

01:39:13.000 And my mom started yelling, Ros Antonio, where the fuck are you? 1.00

01:39:18.000 You're with that whore from across the way. 1.00

01:39:21.000 So me and her walk into her house. 1.00

01:39:24.000 And her mother pulls me aside and she goes, the things your mother is saying... 0.99

01:39:31.000 I should go over there and smack her in the face. 1.00

01:39:33.000 And I almost told the lady, listen, if you go over there, my mom will break you in fucking half. 1.00

01:39:39.000 You got the wrong lady. 1.00

01:39:40.000 She just stabbed the motherfucker three weeks ago. 1.00

01:39:43.000 You're not going to go over there and say nothing to my mother. 1.00

01:39:46.000 And I remember walking in and my mother being pissed.

01:39:48.000 I wasn't allowed to hang out with that girl no more. 0.81

01:39:51.000 You know, I was in the sixth grade, seventh grade.

01:39:53.000 My mom didn't want me to be a freak. 0.99

01:39:56.000 She didn't want me to fucking have a girlfriend. 1.00

01:39:58.000 She was totally against it. 0.99

01:40:01.000 Not to be in the 8th grade.

01:40:02.000 My mom would yell at me in the 9th grade if I was in the bedroom and I had the door shut up. 0.68

01:40:07.000 Oh yeah, the door open.

01:40:09.000 No, I guess it was 10th grade.

01:40:11.000 15 was when I really started getting some action.

01:40:15.000 14 was a rough year.

01:40:18.000 I had this tight friend called Eddie.

01:40:21.000 Let's just leave it at Eddie, alright?

01:40:24.000 We were tight.

01:40:24.000 I loved Eddie.

01:40:25.000 Eddie and me were tight.

01:40:27.000 He was the one that turned me out on a roller joint.

01:40:30.000 Eddie was a couple years older than me and he had a girlfriend that was a couple years older than me.

01:40:34.000 Eddie's family picked up one day and went to Miami.

01:40:39.000 Just like that.

01:40:40.000 Left him behind?

01:40:41.000 Left a chick behind. 1.00

01:40:43.000 Left this beautiful German girl behind. 1.00

01:40:46.000 So she lived on Charles Court.

01:40:49.000 In fact, she lived next to where the Iceman, the guy that was the Iceman...

01:40:53.000 The murderer?

01:40:54.000 Yeah, the guy that was his buddy, the ice cream truck, Mr. Softy.

01:40:58.000 That's where he lived, Prongay.

01:41:00.000 So Elona was her name.

01:41:01.000 She was a hot German girl. 0.99

01:41:03.000 And on Friday nights after Eddie left, I mean, we were just friends.

01:41:07.000 And she was way older than me. 0.99

01:41:09.000 We were just fucking friends. 0.98

01:41:10.000 And we would watch Chico and the Man and... 0.98

01:41:14.000 Sanford and Son, and one night she asked me, do you want to make out?

01:41:17.000 I didn't even know how to make out with a girl.

01:41:19.000 We made out together and that was it.

01:41:21.000 Every Friday she'd come over, we'd eat pizza, and we'd make out for a little while.

01:41:25.000 No sex. 0.72

01:41:27.000 Nothing like that.

01:41:28.000 Yeah, that took years.

01:41:29.000 Years? 0.99

01:41:31.000 Who was I fucking talking? 0.99

01:41:33.000 I was just telling somebody, I grew up with Catholic girls. 1.00

01:41:36.000 You had to talk a lot of shit around Catholic girls. 1.00

01:41:39.000 You had to go for a year. 1.00

01:41:40.000 It took a long time to take a Catholic girl's bra off. 0.99

01:41:44.000 But once they popped a cork off that champagne, those gals are good to go. 1.00

01:41:48.000 The Catholic girls? 0.81

01:41:49.000 Yes. 1.00

01:41:49.000 They're the biggest freaks. 1.00

01:41:51.000 But the first night is not good.

01:41:52.000 Anyway.

01:41:53.000 They cry.

01:41:54.000 You got to walk them home and rub their back and tell them they're not going to go to hell.

01:41:58.000 Because that's the big thing.

01:41:59.000 They start about going to hell.

01:42:01.000 I think with the internet, they're less likely to worry about going to hell.

01:42:04.000 No, no.

01:42:05.000 I'm talking about 1970 Catholic girls. 0.99

01:42:08.000 I had one girlfriend that that happened, and it was the longest night of my fucking life. 0.99

01:42:13.000 I had one in 83. She called me when she got home. 0.98

01:42:16.000 This is 70 fucking eight. 0.98

01:42:18.000 All right? 0.99

01:42:19.000 I've been five years ahead of me.

01:42:20.000 And she went to an all-girls academy.

01:42:24.000 Uh-oh.

01:42:25.000 Do you understand me?

01:42:26.000 So I played at St. Michael's CYO. Okay?

01:42:31.000 The home of Tommy motherfucking Heintzen, if anybody who knows anything. 0.98

01:42:34.000 Hey! 0.99

01:42:36.000 So, and she went to the school that cheerleaded for us.

01:42:41.000 So I dated and eventually, you know, something happened and it was brutal.

01:42:47.000 It was brutal.

01:42:48.000 The crying.

01:42:49.000 The crying.

01:42:50.000 The guilt for two days.

01:42:52.000 The guilt that she had.

01:42:54.000 Well, I had the same guilt.

01:42:56.000 I had the same guilt, bro.

01:42:58.000 I could not believe it.

01:42:59.000 After that, I went straight.

01:43:01.000 I was like, this isn't gonna happen again till I marry a woman. 0.99

01:43:04.000 That's how fucking Catholic I was, guys. 0.99

01:43:07.000 The crazy thing is they didn't tell us anything about birth control. 1.00

01:43:12.000 They didn't tell us shit. 0.99

01:43:14.000 Everybody was already fucking before anybody got to talk to. 1.00

01:43:18.000 Everybody was already fucking by the time they were 16. And when you're 17, your dad or your mom or school, someone's gonna pull you aside and say, well, if you're gonna have sex, like, gonna. 0.99

01:43:27.000 Like, everybody around you is fucking. 1.00

01:43:29.000 You leave these 16, 17-year-olds together. 1.00

01:43:32.000 They go to birthday parties together.

01:43:34.000 They're drinking. 1.00

01:43:35.000 Everybody's fucking. 1.00

01:43:36.000 They're fucking when they're 16 all the time. 1.00

01:43:38.000 That's so normal. 0.99

01:43:40.000 I don't know what age people fucked at when they were like in the 1950s when our parents were growing up. 0.69

01:43:47.000 I don't know what the number is. 0.99

01:43:48.000 Desi and Lucy didn't fuck. 1.00

01:43:49.000 They slept in separate beds. 0.99

01:43:50.000 They slept in separate beds.

01:43:52.000 All those TV shows, they slept in separate beds. 0.98

01:43:54.000 But do you think people did less fucking or do you think they did less talking about it? 1.00

01:43:58.000 Oh, fuck you. 1.00

01:43:58.000 They fucked and sucked. 1.00

01:43:59.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00

01:44:00.000 They fucked the shit out of Marilyn Monroe, didn't they? 1.00

01:44:03.000 Oh, they did. 1.00

01:44:03.000 They fucked that poor woman to death. 1.00

01:44:05.000 Almost to death. 1.00

01:44:06.000 Bro, I know this dude that you know. 0.99

01:44:10.000 That Marilyn Monroe fucked him when he was 16 and she was 22. Oh yeah, we know that dude. 0.95

01:44:17.000 You know who I'm talking about?

01:44:18.000 He played the...

01:44:19.000 He was the guy in...

01:44:20.000 Oh, should we give him up?

01:44:22.000 Huh?

01:44:22.000 Tom Hanks.

01:44:24.000 No.

01:44:26.000 It wasn't Tom Hanks.

01:44:28.000 It's your boy.

01:44:29.000 No, it's Gianni.

01:44:30.000 That's why he's trying to get out of here.

01:44:31.000 It's Gianni whatever.

01:44:33.000 The guy that Sonny beats up in The Godfather.

01:44:36.000 Yeah.

01:44:37.000 You didn't know that?

01:44:39.000 I think I did.

01:44:40.000 Yeah.

01:44:41.000 It's the guy that Sonny beats him.

01:44:42.000 There's a lot.

01:44:43.000 My memory is full.

01:44:45.000 It's really full.

01:44:46.000 I know I'm 53, so I'm officially old now.

01:44:49.000 I've been officially old for at least eight years, but now officially, officially old.

01:44:54.000 Like, my memory's full.

01:44:55.000 It's like, I can still pull stuff up that I know, but like the new stuff, it's hard to get in there.

01:45:00.000 And there's a lot of old stuff I'm just deleting left and right.

01:45:03.000 I forget what I have for lunch, but if you read the article I told you to read a long time ago.

01:45:09.000 Which one?

01:45:10.000 The one about...

01:45:12.000 Johnny Russo said he lost his virginity to Marilyn Monroe at 15. Woo!

01:45:17.000 That's what's up!

01:45:18.000 See, this is the difference.

01:45:20.000 If that's some horrible man who did that to a 15-year-old girl, it's a crime.

01:45:24.000 But we're all excited for him.

01:45:26.000 Imagine you're a 15-year-old. 1.00

01:45:28.000 And Marilyn Monroe throws you a piece of ass. 1.00

01:45:31.000 Even the cops would smack you. 1.00

01:45:34.000 Marilyn Monroe, 15. Can you imagine today one of these mothers from Studio City? 0.81

01:45:38.000 I want to speak to an officer. 1.00

01:45:40.000 Marilyn Monroe fucked my son. 1.00

01:45:43.000 The cop would even smack her in the face. 1.00

01:45:45.000 Shut the fuck up, you dummy. 1.00

01:45:47.000 That kid's so lucky. 1.00

01:45:50.000 He's so lucky. 1.00

01:45:53.000 She probably sat on his face and shit tremendous. 1.00

01:45:57.000 There's some guys that have like this weird relationship. 1.00

01:46:00.000 Jason Priestley was in it, I think. 1.00

01:46:01.000 Oh, no shit. 0.99

01:46:02.000 In the 90s. 0.99

01:46:02.000 I don't remember that one. 0.99

01:46:03.000 It's probably not about that movie, but it's like a dramatized version of like a young dude in a relationship with Marilyn Monroe.

01:46:09.000 That's hilarious.

01:46:10.000 Listen, man, I think it's...

01:46:12.000 Amazing that she was willing to do that.

01:46:14.000 I think it's amazing. 1.00

01:46:15.000 She'd find some 15-year-old kid and go, I'm gonna freak this fucking kid out. 1.00

01:46:19.000 I'm Marilyn Monroe. 1.00

01:46:20.000 I'm gonna fuck a gardener. 1.00

01:46:22.000 I'm gonna fuck some 15-year-old kid pushing a lawnmower. 1.00

01:46:25.000 Let's do it, baby. 1.00

01:46:26.000 Can you imagine?

01:46:27.000 You're on the couch. 1.00

01:46:28.000 15-year-old kid and Marilyn Monroe just grabs your dick and sticks it inside of her. 1.00

01:46:32.000 You're like, what? 1.00

01:46:33.000 How is this happening?

01:46:35.000 You remember that iconic video of her standing on the subway grate in Manhattan?

01:46:39.000 It's blown her skirt up.

01:46:41.000 And here's Marilyn Monroe riding you. 1.00

01:46:44.000 Can you imagine him telling his friends and they're like, get the fuck out of here! 0.99

01:46:48.000 Get the fuck out of here! 1.00

01:46:51.000 You didn't fuck no Marilyn Monroe. 1.00

01:46:53.000 Billy is so full of shit. 1.00

01:46:54.000 You won't believe his latest lie. 1.00

01:46:57.000 What if she was that gross, though? 0.90

01:46:59.000 She was just so drugged up and drunk that people were like, ooh, get her away from me. 1.00

01:47:02.000 Put her over next to that 15-year-old kid.

01:47:05.000 Brian, there's video of her before she died.

01:47:08.000 There's video of her the year that she was still alive before she died.

01:47:11.000 She was beautiful.

01:47:12.000 That movie was based off of this.

01:47:14.000 That old I Had a Secret Show.

01:47:16.000 The guy going on and said, I had a date with Marilyn Monroe.

01:47:18.000 And she paid for it.

01:47:20.000 Oh my god.

01:47:20.000 So the movie came out in 1983. Dude, I have so much more respect for her now.

01:47:24.000 I just think if I was a female, famous actor, that'd be the most gangster thing to do. 1.00

01:47:29.000 Fuck high school seniors. 1.00

01:47:30.000 Just grab them. 1.00

01:47:31.000 Get in the limo, bitch. 1.00

01:47:34.000 No one would have a problem with it. 1.00

01:47:38.000 No one would have a problem with it.

01:47:40.000 Everybody would have a problem with everything.

01:47:41.000 We would all be laughing, though. 0.99

01:47:43.000 But if the biggest movie star in the world was scooping up high school seniors and blowing them, There was a female gym teacher in my school that fucked everybody. 1.00

01:48:02.000 Didn't fuck me. 1.00

01:48:03.000 She didn't like me. 1.00

01:48:04.000 She fucked everybody. 1.00

01:48:05.000 We used to drop people off at a house. 1.00

01:48:08.000 You ever drop?

01:48:09.000 Like, Red Band, where are you going to tell her?

01:48:10.000 You guys gotta drop me off at Miss Whatever's House. 1.00

01:48:13.000 And she would just fuck the kids? 1.00

01:48:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:48:14.000 How old? 1.00

01:48:15.000 She had to be in her 30s. 0.91

01:48:17.000 No, how old were the kids?

01:48:18.000 16, 15, 17. Whoever's ready to party.

01:48:22.000 Everybody gave her a fucking stab. 1.00

01:48:24.000 Now, did everybody talk about it? 1.00

01:48:27.000 How many people talked about it?

01:48:28.000 It was well known.

01:48:29.000 Did the teachers know about it?

01:48:31.000 Or did the kids keep their mouths shut? 1.00

01:48:33.000 I think she was giving pussy to the teachers too. 1.00

01:48:38.000 She ended up marrying one of the teachers. 1.00

01:48:39.000 Did she?

01:48:40.000 I'm not sure.

01:48:41.000 She was a hot blonde. 1.00

01:48:43.000 She was a hot blonde. 1.00

01:48:46.000 And then there was a chick in our high school that just liked older guys.

01:48:50.000 And I remember we were in summer school. 0.99

01:48:54.000 And we were standing outside, and this chick was fucking hammered. 1.00

01:48:59.000 She had to be 16, 15 my age, sophomore summer. 1.00

01:49:04.000 And right in front of everybody, she just went up to the vice principal, hammered, and just started grabbing his dick and going, let's get out of here, baby. 1.00

01:49:11.000 And he's like, all right, everybody can go play now. 1.00

01:49:15.000 And fucking, he just froze. 0.99

01:49:18.000 I know the girl. 1.00

01:49:20.000 I'm friends with her on Facebook today.

01:49:23.000 Really?

01:49:23.000 She's got kids, yeah.

01:49:24.000 Wow. 1.00

01:49:25.000 She got kids, the whole fucking deal. 1.00

01:49:27.000 And I talk to her from time to time, say hello. 1.00

01:49:30.000 That's hilarious.

01:49:31.000 She was a freak when I was a kid.

01:49:33.000 There was always a neighborhood freak.

01:49:35.000 There was a neighborhood freak in my neighborhood. 1.00

01:49:36.000 Fucked all the kids that played softball. 1.00

01:49:40.000 She was hot. 1.00

01:49:41.000 She was 21. Always had torn jeans.

01:49:43.000 They always knew a lot about rock.

01:49:45.000 They always introduced you to some old Sabbath.

01:49:48.000 She'd play some old Zeppelin.

01:49:50.000 Like, I didn't know, you know, I was musically illiterate at the point.

01:49:55.000 I learned a lot about music from this lady.

01:49:58.000 She was a nice lady. 0.99

01:49:59.000 Did she smell like cigarettes? 0.87

01:50:00.000 Oh, yeah.

01:50:01.000 Yeah.

01:50:02.000 I thought it was hot.

01:50:03.000 My street girl smelled like cigarettes. 1.00

01:50:04.000 I thought it was hot.

01:50:05.000 I thought girls that smelled like a woman that smelled like she smoked cigarettes, it was hot. 1.00

01:50:10.000 This is like a dangerous lady who doesn't give a fuck about cancer. 1.00

01:50:14.000 That's my rationale when I was a kid. 1.00

01:50:18.000 I thought it was the dumbest thing for you to do for your health, but I also thought it was hot if girls smoke cigarettes. 1.00

01:50:23.000 I'll tell you how hard it was in my neighborhood to score. 0.98

01:50:28.000 That on Facebook, most of the kids I'm friends with in my neighborhood, they married their high school sweethearts.

01:50:36.000 That's how...

01:50:38.000 Anti-sex.

01:50:39.000 Not anti-sex, but my high school was very...

01:50:43.000 Old-school.

01:50:44.000 Old-fashioned.

01:50:45.000 It was very old-fashioned.

01:50:47.000 You marry your high school sweetheart.

01:50:48.000 If you took a Spanish girl on a date, you had to go with her grandmother the first three or four dates. 1.00

01:50:53.000 Italian girl, sometimes you got to bring the abuela, you know, the grandma with you. 0.92

01:50:57.000 It was a different time. 1.00

01:50:58.000 I didn't learn about sugar daddies and all that shit. 1.00

01:51:01.000 I moved to Seattle, I heard all that nonsense. 1.00

01:51:04.000 And then the shit that you hear once you move here. 1.00

01:51:06.000 I had never been raised around that shit. 1.00

01:51:08.000 I'm a criminal. 1.00

01:51:09.000 I don't know nothing about that fucking... 1.00

01:51:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:11.000 Islands and Tom Hanks and fucking... 1.00

01:51:14.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:51:16.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:51:19.000 Uh... 1.00

01:51:20.000 And you hear this shit, you know, the Epstein, I don't know. 1.00

01:51:23.000 I don't know what to believe. 0.99

01:51:24.000 I don't think Tom Hanks is part of that.

01:51:26.000 The Tom Hanks thing is more or less an internet meme.

01:51:29.000 It's like a joke that they're pretending that Tom Hanks is a pedophile.

01:51:32.000 But the Epstein thing's real.

01:51:35.000 That's what's crazy.

01:51:36.000 It's like there's so much talk about all these other things when there's...

01:51:41.000 There's a whole lot of people that went to this island with a guy who was a pedophile, who was known for having underage girls, and he didn't really kill himself and everybody knows it.

01:51:52.000 Did you take the over?

01:51:54.000 What's the over?

01:51:55.000 I took the over that they're going to bomb that place where they have her. 1.00

01:51:58.000 They can't choke her and they can't suicide her. 1.00

01:52:03.000 So there's either going to be some type of...

01:52:06.000 Disruption?

01:52:07.000 Corona! 0.83

01:52:08.000 Some type of disruption?

01:52:09.000 Corona?

01:52:11.000 A heavy dose of Corona?

01:52:13.000 Well, that was one of the things I talked to Oliver Stone about with Jack Ruby.

01:52:16.000 He said that Jack Ruby getting cancer and dying so quickly, like that didn't really make sense.

01:52:20.000 That they were working on things you could do to people where you could inject them and they'd get cancer and die.

01:52:27.000 Yeah.

01:52:28.000 Yeah, Corona is either going to be...

01:52:30.000 Who knows?

01:52:30.000 It's going to be interesting to see what happens.

01:52:32.000 They're going to blow her out of there. 1.00

01:52:33.000 If she has to testify, the fucking Marines got to go. 1.00

01:52:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:38.000 The Marines got to go. 1.00

01:52:39.000 E-bike accident.

01:52:43.000 Like poor Simon. 1.00

01:52:44.000 Poor fucking Simon. 1.00

01:52:46.000 He broke his back. 1.00

01:52:47.000 What he was on though, I have two e-bikes, I'm addicted to that lifestyle, but what he was on is like a motorbike.

01:52:54.000 It's like a Tron motorcycle that has like the torque of a Tesla.

01:52:59.000 Oh no!

01:53:00.000 He was on one of those?

01:53:01.000 One of those.

01:53:02.000 What's he doing?

01:53:03.000 I don't know, I think...

01:53:05.000 No helmet?

01:53:06.000 I think it's fun.

01:53:07.000 It's like having a Tesla as a bike.

01:53:09.000 But is it a motorcycle or is it a scooter?

01:53:13.000 Do you need a license?

01:53:14.000 It's classified.

01:53:15.000 Instead of like a motorbike, like X Games style, it's just E-Battery. 0.97

01:53:20.000 Bro, when we were in Austin, I was watching those drunk fucks roll by on those scooters. 0.96

01:53:24.000 I was like, do you need a license for that? 0.99

01:53:26.000 No, no. 1.00

01:53:26.000 You should have a fucking license. 1.00

01:53:27.000 These guys are going kind of fast. 1.00

01:53:29.000 You do.

01:53:29.000 You're supposed to.

01:53:29.000 When you sign up for the thing, you're supposed to take a picture of your ID and shit.

01:53:33.000 If you fall going 15 miles an hour, you're fucked. 1.00

01:53:36.000 I don't know if you realize how fucked you are. 1.00

01:53:38.000 If you fall on concrete and you're going 15 miles an hour, you're fucked. 1.00

01:53:41.000 One of mine goes 38... 1.00

01:53:43.000 38. Yeah, and it's just like...

01:53:45.000 Yeah, my juice.

01:53:46.000 Jamie's got a crazy one.

01:53:47.000 You've got to know how to fall, too. 1.00

01:53:48.000 Listen, bitch, you're hitting the concrete and electric poles. 1.00

01:53:51.000 It hurts. 1.00

01:53:52.000 Oh, my God, stop.

01:53:53.000 You don't understand.

01:53:54.000 If you hit something at 30 miles an hour...

01:53:56.000 Oh, that's way different than the 15. Okay, let's say 15. Most of them, yeah.

01:54:00.000 You hit something at 15 miles an hour, you hit the concrete and a pole.

01:54:03.000 At 15 miles an hour, you have no understanding of what...

01:54:06.000 What do you weigh, what, 200 pounds?

01:54:07.000 The ones you rent off the street, they're limited to only go like 13 miles an hour or something like that. 0.99

01:54:12.000 If you hit a pole at 13 miles an hour, listen to me, Jamie, you're going to get fucked up. 1.00

01:54:18.000 You're going to get fucked up. 1.00

01:54:20.000 Like, really fucked up. 1.00

01:54:21.000 That's full sprint, I know. 1.00

01:54:22.000 I get it.

01:54:23.000 Woo! 0.99

01:54:23.000 But I'm saying, if you just walk in a pole, it's not nearly as... 0.99

01:54:27.000 Well, you don't, but other folks are intoxicated.

01:54:30.000 You're very well coordinated.

01:54:31.000 But I'm saying it's kind of crazy.

01:54:32.000 You can just pick one of these things up with no license, and you're going 15 miles an hour, booking down the street.

01:54:38.000 These are the ones you rent on the street?

01:54:40.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:54:40.000 You have to have a license.

01:54:42.000 Whether or not you do it without, you can give it to your kid, but as you sign up for it, you're giving a liability.

01:54:49.000 You take a picture of your license.

01:54:51.000 Oh, okay.

01:54:51.000 So you have to have a driver's license.

01:54:53.000 To rent it, not buy it.

01:54:55.000 That's better.

01:54:55.000 Yeah, not to buy it.

01:54:56.000 But it's definitely more complicated than driving a car, right?

01:54:59.000 You've got to balance on that thing.

01:55:02.000 A bike? 0.90

01:55:02.000 You, but if someone's a slob, Right? 0.90

01:55:07.000 But if a slob, if someone just has no coordination, they decide to get on one of those things. 1.00

01:55:12.000 It's just a bike.

01:55:13.000 A scooter?

01:55:14.000 Oh, a scooter.

01:55:15.000 Those scooters that are everywhere.

01:55:16.000 Yeah, I don't like the scooters.

01:55:17.000 You can go fast.

01:55:18.000 Yeah, you can go as fast.

01:55:20.000 There's scooters that go 45 miles an hour that you could buy.

01:55:22.000 Come on.

01:55:23.000 You can't do that.

01:55:24.000 You need a helmet. 1.00

01:55:25.000 Where's your fucking helmet? 1.00

01:55:26.000 You're going 40 miles an hour, where's your helmet? 1.00

01:55:29.000 It's real common though. 0.99

01:55:30.000 But listen, at least if people fall down, they're not, you could fucking wipe into somebody. 0.99

01:55:36.000 You could wipe into somebody and hurt them pretty bad. 0.99

01:55:39.000 Keep your eyes open.

01:55:40.000 They banned them in Hoboken.

01:55:42.000 They banned them.

01:55:43.000 They banned them because they were being dropped all over the place and people were hurting themselves. 0.99

01:55:48.000 That's just another fucking headache for people. 0.97

01:55:51.000 It's weird because you can just leave them on the sidewalk. 1.00

01:55:52.000 You leave them on the sidewalk.

01:55:54.000 People are doing them at night.

01:55:56.000 You're taking a chance. 1.00

01:55:57.000 Every time you get on one of those fucking things, it's a fucking nightmare. 1.00

01:56:02.000 Whoever invented that... 1.00

01:56:03.000 I support people's right to do it. 0.99

01:56:05.000 No, I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:56:06.000 Let them do it, but don't come crying to me. 1.00

01:56:08.000 When you get hit in the fuck by a truck, don't come crying to me then. 1.00

01:56:12.000 I wouldn't advise any of my friends, especially if they're intoxicated, like, can I just take this home? 1.00

01:56:17.000 No.

01:56:17.000 If you're thinking, should I take this home, you definitely shouldn't take that home.

01:56:21.000 Because a mistake? 0.99

01:56:22.000 One fucking mistake? 1.00

01:56:23.000 Doug, listen, Joe Rogan. 0.99

01:56:25.000 Dewey on this, too, I think.

01:56:26.000 What's that?

01:56:27.000 Operating while intoxicated.

01:56:29.000 Oh, yeah.

01:56:29.000 And you?

01:56:30.000 Oh, okay.

01:56:30.000 That makes sense.

01:56:31.000 My brother, I took up bike riding during this quarantine.

01:56:36.000 I saw.

01:56:37.000 You know what time I leave my house?

01:56:39.000 I follow you on Patreon.

01:56:40.000 815. 815 a.m.

01:56:44.000 Do you know why I do that?

01:56:45.000 There's a reason.

01:56:46.000 Why?

01:56:47.000 Because there's nobody out.

01:56:48.000 Yeah.

01:56:48.000 I go against the grain.

01:56:51.000 Like, I don't let cars behind me.

01:56:55.000 I go against cars. 1.00

01:56:56.000 You got something to say, you shut your fucking mouth. 1.00

01:56:59.000 I wear a hooded sweatshirt with a.22 just in case. 1.00

01:57:02.000 Jesus, don't tell people that.

01:57:04.000 I don't wear headphones. 1.00

01:57:06.000 I put my mask on like a decent fucking American, and I take that fucking bike to Hunger to fucking Toluca Lake. 0.99

01:57:16.000 Sometimes I go on the sidewalk, whatever. 0.99

01:57:19.000 But trust me, I know that I'm in danger of getting hit.

01:57:24.000 Every time I get on those bikes, I say a prayer. 1.00

01:57:26.000 Because there's a lot of motherfuckers texting. 1.00

01:57:29.000 I see it. 1.00

01:57:30.000 When you're on a bike, you got to work hard now.

01:57:33.000 A scooter, you're in danger.

01:57:36.000 You're in danger.

01:57:37.000 Your best bet is to get a bike and go on the Chandler Trail.

01:57:40.000 That's what normal people would do.

01:57:43.000 You're pretty safe there, you know?

01:57:45.000 I've done that a lot, too.

01:57:46.000 But the Chandler Trail is kind of weird.

01:57:49.000 There's people walking, you know? 1.00

01:57:51.000 And there's people with fucking dogs! 1.00

01:57:52.000 They gotta take their dogs everywhere! 1.00

01:57:54.000 Can people leave their fucking dogs at home in California? 1.00

01:57:58.000 The other day I was hungry, I went to eat and all of a sudden the lady's sitting there with a fucking dog social distancing. 1.00

01:58:04.000 The dog can't stay home! 1.00

01:58:06.000 Not one day! 1.00

01:58:07.000 Everybody in California gotta fucking take a dog! 1.00

01:58:09.000 They have emotional support dogs. 1.00

01:58:11.000 And a long fucking leash. 1.00

01:58:12.000 Emotional dogs. 1.00

01:58:14.000 Take Xanax, like everybody else. 1.00

01:58:16.000 Do a line of fucking coke. 1.00

01:58:17.000 Weighting coke is up to 1800 an ounce. 1.00

01:58:20.000 Is it really?

01:58:20.000 1800 an ounce.

01:58:22.000 What did it used to be?

01:58:23.000 Six.

01:58:24.000 They were giving it away three years ago.

01:58:25.000 What happened?

01:58:28.000 Borders are closed.

01:58:29.000 Oh, it's hard to get in.

01:58:32.000 COVID and they got an extra 600 a week on unemployment.

01:58:35.000 Did you see that new Mexican tunnel they just found?

01:58:37.000 The most complicated tunnel they've ever discovered.

01:58:40.000 That's an easy one.

01:58:41.000 Have you seen that, Jamie?

01:58:41.000 They gave them that one.

01:58:42.000 Remember, they build 20 at a time, and they want you to find one.

01:58:46.000 They sacrifice one, so you have a big victory for Fox News.

01:58:49.000 Mexican drug lord stopped at the border, the most sophisticated tunnel in U.S. history, discovered between Mexico and Arizona.

01:58:59.000 Although it's not exactly clear what the structure was intended for, it had ventilation, a rail system, and extensive reinforcement. 1.00

01:59:07.000 Yeah, look at that shit, dude. 1.00

01:59:08.000 That's how the vampires come in. 1.00

01:59:11.000 That's how they got El Chapo out.

01:59:12.000 You ever see that?

01:59:13.000 The El Chapo one's amazing. 1.00

01:59:15.000 El Chapo goes to take a shit and never returns. 0.99

01:59:17.000 He goes behind this little thing. 1.00

01:59:19.000 The only thing that keeps the camera from seeing him taking a shit is a thing where you can't see him when he's sitting. 0.99

01:59:24.000 So it's like a thing about this high. 0.91

01:59:26.000 So he turns around towards where the toilet is, ducks down, and disappears forever from sight. 0.92

01:59:31.000 He's like taking a shit for like five hours to go in and check on the guy. 0.79

01:59:34.000 They find out there's a door behind the shitter and he's got a tunnel built in there with a rail system, like a real rail system and lighting and electricity. 0.99

01:59:41.000 It goes a mile long.

01:59:42.000 So he gets under the tunnel.

01:59:44.000 He gets in there. 0.99

01:59:46.000 They take him off before the fucking people in the jail can realize he's gone. 1.00

01:59:50.000 He's a mile away. 1.00

01:59:51.000 He pops out of this building. 0.84

01:59:53.000 He gets out of this building and they swoop him up in a truck or whatever, a helicopter, and they get him the fuck out of there.

01:59:59.000 But it's hilarious.

02:00:00.000 Watch. 1.00

02:00:00.000 He goes behind this thing to take a shit. 1.00

02:00:03.000 He's like, this is his take a shit area. 1.00

02:00:05.000 And when he does it, he just disappears. 1.00

02:00:08.000 So here's his take a shit area. 0.99

02:00:09.000 He's like, I'm just going to take my pants off real quick. 0.99

02:00:13.000 Let me lean forward.

02:00:18.000 Ducks down.

02:00:19.000 Boom.

02:00:20.000 He's through the floor.

02:00:21.000 He's gone. 1.00

02:00:22.000 Fucking tremendous. 0.99

02:00:24.000 Bro, they had it all set up for him. 1.00

02:00:27.000 They popped him out on the other end.

02:00:29.000 His son got arrested recently.

02:00:31.000 And then they released him. 1.00

02:00:33.000 They're like, fuck it. 1.00

02:00:34.000 They got surrounded by cartel people. 1.00

02:00:35.000 They negotiated and they just released him.

02:00:37.000 It was crazy.

02:00:38.000 That's a complete different world.

02:00:40.000 It's a different world.

02:00:41.000 It's right there, bro.

02:00:42.000 You can walk there.

02:00:43.000 If you live in La Jolla, you can walk there, son.

02:00:47.000 How crazy.

02:00:48.000 Yeah.

02:00:49.000 Crazy.

02:00:50.000 Pretty crazy.

02:00:51.000 Let me tell you something.

02:00:52.000 There he is.

02:00:52.000 Hey, what's up guys?

02:00:53.000 Everything's cool.

02:00:54.000 Relax. 0.99

02:00:55.000 The fucking Pablo Escobar two seasons were very good. 0.99

02:01:04.000 That guy who plays Escobar is incredible. 0.99

02:01:06.000 What's his name?

02:01:08.000 I don't know.

02:01:08.000 He's a Panamanian, whatever.

02:01:10.000 Is he Panamanian?

02:01:11.000 Jamie's gonna pull it up.

02:01:12.000 That guy needs his respect.

02:01:14.000 He's so good.

02:01:15.000 Then you have the season of the Cali Cartel.

02:01:19.000 Yeah, I didn't make it.

02:01:21.000 Too many murders.

02:01:24.000 That one opens up with them burying a guy.

02:01:27.000 Wagner Mora.

02:01:28.000 I think he's from Brazil.

02:01:29.000 Yeah, Brazilian.

02:01:30.000 Sorry.

02:01:31.000 He got tormented because his Spanish was bad. 1.00

02:01:35.000 Fucking people. 1.00

02:01:36.000 The guy could act his ass off. 1.00

02:01:37.000 Oh, he could act his ass off. 0.98

02:01:38.000 But then you had season the Cali cartel. 0.97

02:01:40.000 That was good.

02:01:41.000 The season opened up when...

02:01:42.000 We're good to go. 1.00

02:01:57.000 Fucking takes over the dance floor, makes out with his gay lover, takes the bottle, breaks it over the guy's head, then ties him up with a motorcycle and rips him apart. 1.00

02:02:08.000 Fucking tremendous opening. 1.00

02:02:09.000 Okay. 0.99

02:02:10.000 Then we skip the Cali Cartel.

02:02:12.000 This is season three and four.

02:02:15.000 Or season three is the Cali Cartel.

02:02:18.000 Then it goes into...

02:02:22.000 Season Narcos Mexico.

02:02:24.000 And to me, in my world, and you know me, dawg, I come at you with Lawrence Fishburne.

02:02:30.000 I'll tell you who's really doing that craft right.

02:02:32.000 Who are pimps of the game right now. 0.99

02:02:34.000 That we've seen who are the major pimps of the fucking game. 0.99

02:02:38.000 Right now, the major pimps of the game that you and I have seen in our lifetime have been guys like Lawrence Fishburne. 0.99

02:02:45.000 You know, this kid who does John Wick is doing a great fucking job. 0.94

02:02:49.000 The English guy is the real deal. 0.97

02:02:52.000 Say what you want about my...

02:02:53.000 Nah.

02:02:54.000 He's amazing.

02:02:56.000 No, the other English dude.

02:02:58.000 The one that was in The Fighter.

02:03:02.000 You see Capone? 0.99

02:03:03.000 You want to shoot yourself in the head two times. 1.00

02:03:06.000 Leave me alone with Tom Hardy. 0.99

02:03:07.000 Tom Hardy was good with Gandolfini. 0.99

02:03:09.000 That's the best thing fucking Tom Hardy did. 0.99

02:03:11.000 That and the fucking Bronson. 1.00

02:03:13.000 Christian Bale. 1.00

02:03:14.000 What? 1.00

02:03:14.000 Christian Bale is fucking the real deal. 1.00

02:03:16.000 You gotta rock with Christian Bale. 0.99

02:03:19.000 But the dude who fucking does Narcos Mexico, the little dude, that dude is on a different level. 0.96

02:03:31.000 He's on a different level. 0.98

02:03:32.000 He takes that show to a different level.

02:03:34.000 You can't take your eyes off him.

02:03:36.000 And I didn't even know that this Latin theater existed.

02:03:39.000 When I was a kid, I watched Telemundo and telenovelas. 0.79

02:03:43.000 That's the gay one. 1.00

02:03:44.000 He's tremendous. 0.99

02:03:46.000 That's the gay one. 1.00

02:03:48.000 That's when they're in Cali Cartel. 0.97

02:03:50.000 This is all good stuff. 0.97

02:03:54.000 But the guy, Narcos Mexico, he's so fucking good. 0.97

02:04:00.000 It's scary how good he is. 0.97

02:04:03.000 He does two seasons.

02:04:05.000 He's the one that I saw.

02:04:08.000 He tells the story of what happened in New York.

02:04:12.000 We were buying brown weed.

02:04:15.000 And all of a sudden they were selling a weed called Sensamea.

02:04:19.000 And it was a weed that was grown with no seeds.

02:04:22.000 So it was easier to pack and easier to smuggle.

02:04:26.000 So they had to convince these people that this was the future.

02:04:30.000 But there's a problem with Sensamea.

02:04:32.000 It has to be grown in the desert. 0.92

02:04:34.000 It can't be grown anywhere else because a male plant will fuck up the whole thing. 1.00

02:04:39.000 So it's got to be grown in the desert.

02:04:41.000 Who grows weed in the desert? 1.00

02:04:43.000 These motherfuckers set up an irrigation thing. 1.00

02:04:46.000 Explain the male-female plant thing. 1.00

02:04:48.000 Do you know how to do it?

02:04:49.000 I do know that now, but Jamie, when he gets a minute...

02:04:52.000 I know it.

02:04:54.000 I know it's a thing.

02:04:55.000 Like hermaphrodites or something.

02:04:56.000 They can switch...

02:04:57.000 Yeah, they can switch genders, but the flowery ones are the females. 1.00

02:05:02.000 Like marijuana.

02:05:03.000 You want to make sure that they're female. 1.00

02:05:05.000 Make sure the males don't fuck them over and switch them. 0.99

02:05:08.000 I don't know how they can get too close and change each other. 0.99

02:05:11.000 Can you see the biggest...

02:05:13.000 Crop seeds from narcos, I mean...

02:05:15.000 So marijuana growers are transphobic.

02:05:17.000 Is that what you're saying? 1.00

02:05:18.000 These motherfuckers... 1.00

02:05:20.000 Mint seeds are assholes. 1.00

02:05:21.000 Look at the size of this fucking... 1.00

02:05:24.000 This went on for days where they just grew this weed. 1.00

02:05:29.000 And they would do it right before...

02:05:32.000 Do you know how to grow weed?

02:05:33.000 No.

02:05:34.000 Every time I do it, I fail.

02:05:36.000 But this, they show you how... 1.00

02:05:39.000 Damn. 1.00

02:05:40.000 They show you how. 1.00

02:05:42.000 Look at that.

02:05:43.000 Look at the size of those.

02:05:44.000 How did Netflix pull this off?

02:05:46.000 What do they do?

02:05:47.000 It's brilliant.

02:05:48.000 Do you think that's all CGI? A lot of CGI mixed with fake.

02:05:51.000 Some plants.

02:05:52.000 You could have real plants.

02:05:54.000 They're legal now.

02:05:54.000 Well, they're probably just plastic.

02:05:56.000 But this guy devised the system that he knew that there was water in the desert.

02:06:04.000 And that's where they grew this weed. 0.99

02:06:07.000 And this kid here, he could eat motherfuckers alive for breakfast with his acting. 1.00

02:06:13.000 That dude there, that little Mexican right there. 0.99

02:06:15.000 And I watched him a couple times, and I go, there's something special about this kid.

02:06:19.000 I'm not going to look him up or whatever.

02:06:21.000 And I finally looked him up.

02:06:23.000 His mother died when he was three, and his father was a stagehand in Mexico. 0.98

02:06:28.000 So his father was a set designer, which means that he grew up around his father on the set designing, which made him a little bit more creative than the average fucking kid. 0.96

02:06:37.000 He was also in Star Wars. 0.99

02:06:39.000 This kid will eat motherfuckers up for lunch, and they let him go. 1.00

02:06:43.000 He's gonna eat motherfuckers up for lunch when they let him go. 1.00

02:06:48.000 They just... 1.00

02:06:48.000 Narcos was his shit. 1.00

02:06:50.000 He was that good Diego Luna. 1.00

02:06:53.000 That fucking good Joe Rogan. 0.99

02:06:55.000 Steals it. 1.00

02:06:56.000 There's even one episode where he tells his wife...

02:07:04.000 Whoa.

02:07:05.000 Cold-blooded.

02:07:06.000 And how he does it the whole, from A to Z. From A to Z. How he started with weed first, and then he went on a mission to do a favor, and he saw cocaine in Nicaragua.

02:07:20.000 And he goes, all the cocaine is stuck in Nicaragua.

02:07:24.000 Why is it stuck in Nicaragua?

02:07:25.000 Because they had closed the roots from Miami. 0.98

02:07:29.000 So he went to fucking Cali Cartel. 0.99

02:07:33.000 They told him, you got two choices. 0.99

02:07:35.000 You got the Cali Cartel, they're legit businessmen.

02:07:39.000 They don't even look like drug dealers.

02:07:41.000 But then we got another guy that's very emotional.

02:07:47.000 So you have to pick who you want to go with.

02:07:50.000 He went with the businessmen.

02:07:52.000 Cut a deal.

02:07:54.000 On the way to the airport, they get kidnapped.

02:07:57.000 They take him right to Pablo's house.

02:07:59.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.99

02:08:00.000 It is one of the greatest fucking scenes ever with how Pablo talks to him. 0.99

02:08:05.000 He says, what did you, are you doing here? 0.98

02:08:08.000 I went to Cali. 1.00

02:08:09.000 Pablo lights up a fucking joint. 1.00

02:08:12.000 Pablo's talking to him. 1.00

02:08:14.000 He went to Cali, okay?

02:08:16.000 And then he goes, what are you going to do with a hippopotamus?

02:08:19.000 Pablo had a hippopotamus. 0.98

02:08:21.000 And Pablo's telling him, like, he loves hippopotamuses because they're smooth and all this shit. 0.97

02:08:26.000 And the whole time he's just smoking a joint. 0.95

02:08:28.000 He goes, I'm gonna cut you a deal.

02:08:31.000 For every load you take of theirs, you take one of mine in. 0.94

02:08:38.000 That's how that whole thing began.

02:08:40.000 The guy agreed to it.

02:08:42.000 Smart.

02:08:43.000 Yeah, agreed to it. 1.00

02:08:44.000 Don't be greedy, bitch. 1.00

02:08:45.000 He goes, if you do that for me, then you're going to put me out of business. 1.00

02:08:48.000 Do you think that Narcos is like the Rocky movies for drug dealers?

02:08:52.000 It's very sad.

02:08:54.000 You know what?

02:08:54.000 Narcos, the first two seasons or three seasons of Narcos is very sad for a guy like me.

02:09:02.000 Really?

02:09:03.000 Because it shows you the truth of what happened.

02:09:05.000 It shows you that...

02:09:07.000 The Columbians had something going on, and once the Americans saw the amount of money, they tapped right into it.

02:09:13.000 That whole thing with Barry Seale and Arkansas, that's all real.

02:09:18.000 We can't rewrite that.

02:09:19.000 It's like the first time you realize the Kennedy hit was done by the CIA or whoever did it.

02:09:25.000 You say to yourself, wow, we have a government that ices their own people. 0.99

02:09:29.000 Now they fucking help bring in these drugs. 1.00

02:09:32.000 The same war on drugs that they have on paper They're profiting off. 1.00

02:09:38.000 And then when you look at the fucking weed thing, from the narcos perspective, you don't know the amounts of weed that would bring it in. 0.98

02:09:47.000 They were supplying the whole country with green weed. 0.99

02:09:51.000 The whole country would send some media. 1.00

02:09:55.000 Damn. 0.99

02:09:56.000 And everybody was in on it. 1.00

02:09:59.000 But meanwhile, Reagan is on there with his wife, just saying no.

02:10:05.000 Yep. 0.70

02:10:06.000 So you see the hypocrisy and it kind of hurts you. 1.00

02:10:09.000 You go, what the fuck else? 0.99

02:10:11.000 Won't they do, you know? 0.98

02:10:13.000 Well, the Just Say No thing was coming from the same administration that funded the Conscious vs.

02:10:19.000 Sandinistas with CIA drug money run through South Central LA. And they show him.

02:10:25.000 Through Freeway Ricky Ross, who's been on the podcast twice.

02:10:28.000 Yes, they show him.

02:10:29.000 The real Rick Ross.

02:10:30.000 Yeah, they show Narcos, the Mexican kid I just told you, they show him going because the plane goes down. 1.00

02:10:37.000 How they discovered that whole thing was, a plane goes down. 0.98

02:10:41.000 And all of a sudden, Oliver Wood, whatever his name is, Oliver North, Oliver South, whatever his fucking name is. 0.99

02:10:48.000 Oliver North. 0.99

02:10:49.000 Well, guess what happened?

02:10:51.000 Narco went to the CIA after they had killed Kiki Camarena. 0.99

02:10:57.000 He's the most wanted man in the fucking world for being one of the guys that murdered Kiki Camarena. 0.99

02:11:03.000 He shows up at CIA headquarters and goes, whoa, whoa! 1.00

02:11:09.000 I got the fucking, I got the fucking answer to your problems. 1.00

02:11:12.000 What year was this Jamie? 1.00

02:11:15.000 I will continue to bring you fucking weapons. 1.00

02:11:18.000 This has happened a couple of times. 1.00

02:11:20.000 2007. I think this is a later one.

02:11:23.000 This is one that you and I have brought up before because it was like a CIA. Of course it is!

02:11:29.000 They fucking crash all the time. 0.99

02:11:30.000 There was one that just happened. 0.99

02:11:32.000 Didn't one just happen somewhere in the world? 1.00

02:11:35.000 They glued them up with cocaine, these fucks. 1.00

02:11:37.000 They get greedy. 0.99

02:11:38.000 When you get coked up, you're like, it's gonna make it.

02:11:41.000 Jesus wants us to land.

02:11:42.000 Just Mexico, I looked up. 0.93

02:11:43.000 I erased that part.

02:11:45.000 But there was one that just happened, like, real, real recently.

02:11:47.000 Afghanistan.

02:11:49.000 There's one that happened.

02:11:50.000 No, that was 2007. There's one that happened like a week ago.

02:11:54.000 Anonymous plane.

02:11:55.000 Five and a half tons of code.

02:11:57.000 No, it wasn't a CIA plane that landed recently, but it was one that crashed right after taking off.

02:12:06.000 Yeah, that put too much on it.

02:12:07.000 Yeah, there it is.

02:12:08.000 It was in New Zealand, right?

02:12:10.000 Or Australia?

02:12:11.000 Melbourne, yeah.

02:12:12.000 Melbourne, there you go.

02:12:13.000 It was not as much.

02:12:14.000 It was a half a ton. 0.99

02:12:15.000 They had one of them old fucking propeller planes loaded up with coke. 0.99

02:12:20.000 You have to be honest about what you weigh. 1.00

02:12:23.000 If you get on the plane with your wife and she's like 146 and you're like, bitch, I don't want to die. 1.00

02:12:29.000 You're 152. My mom would make extra money on the side when she worked at Wendy's and take those planes down to Atlanta and drop off stuff. 0.99

02:12:39.000 And I just remember being a kid in the backseat reading Garfield going, I'm gonna die!

02:12:43.000 Like, I'm gonna die!

02:12:44.000 How many times did you have to fly in one of those?

02:12:45.000 I'd probably say at least 10 times that I remember.

02:12:47.000 Oh my god.

02:12:48.000 Oh my god.

02:12:49.000 I get sick in those little planes. 1.00

02:12:51.000 I get one of those motherfuckers. 1.00

02:12:53.000 What was Wendy's dropping off? 1.00

02:12:54.000 Like, special sauce?

02:12:55.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:12:56.000 Yeah, what the fuck? 1.00

02:13:00.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

02:13:01.000 No, that was an interesting cast.

02:13:04.000 That Narcos is an interesting...

02:13:06.000 They did them right.

02:13:07.000 I think this year they're going to Miami.

02:13:09.000 They killed it with Pablo. 0.98

02:13:11.000 They killed it. 1.00

02:13:11.000 Killed it. 1.00

02:13:12.000 Killed it. 1.00

02:13:12.000 That guy is so good. 1.00

02:13:13.000 Killed it.

02:13:14.000 And the guy I like that they hired was that dude that got like 2,000 years in jail.

02:13:20.000 The one who ran the island, like his story is hilarious.

02:13:26.000 Because he was a...

02:13:29.000 A John Lennon fanatic?

02:13:31.000 Yeah.

02:13:32.000 And he was half German, so he was a Hitler. 0.95

02:13:35.000 But he was Spanish.

02:13:38.000 Okay?

02:13:39.000 And he was...

02:13:39.000 Sounds like a Saturday Night Live schedule.

02:13:42.000 So when the cops went, when the feds went all extradite on these guys, they became the extraditables.

02:13:51.000 This guy took to the radio.

02:13:54.000 And they show scenes of him on the radio. 0.97

02:13:57.000 Fucking, ah, like, okay, so you cannot take us back to the United States because you're the number one exporter of our product. 0.98

02:14:09.000 And he's snoring. 0.99

02:14:10.000 All of a sudden he sees like an assistant walk by and he goes, hey, come here.

02:14:13.000 And all of a sudden he's like, and all of a sudden she just kneels down.

02:14:17.000 She's blowing him on camera. 1.00

02:14:19.000 What?

02:14:19.000 And he's like, listen to me.

02:14:21.000 You have to. 0.99

02:14:22.000 He became nuts. 0.98

02:14:23.000 When was this? 0.95

02:14:24.000 Listen.

02:14:25.000 Listen to what they did, okay?

02:14:26.000 Hold on.

02:14:27.000 Is there a video of this you can get?

02:14:28.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

02:14:29.000 Carlos Lader is a fucking lunatic. 1.00

02:14:33.000 Carlos Lader was the one who went to Pablo and said, I'm going to fly the cook back for you, but we're going to make a stop on an island. 1.00

02:14:45.000 So they bought an island. 0.98

02:14:47.000 They fucking threw the doctor off. 1.00

02:14:49.000 There was a white doctor. 1.00

02:14:51.000 Nice to meet you.

02:14:52.000 And they were like, listen, there's a whole story about it that's hysterical.

02:14:56.000 The guy called the feds.

02:14:58.000 There's something going on over there.

02:15:00.000 They're doing pornographic.

02:15:01.000 You know, they're running in planes to blow. 0.87

02:15:04.000 Wow.

02:15:05.000 And they bought everybody out, but there was this one white dude who was like, this is my island. 0.61

02:15:10.000 I'm an American.

02:15:11.000 I fought in World War II. I'm not leaving.

02:15:13.000 And they're like, dog. 1.00

02:15:15.000 We're going to fucking kill you. 1.00

02:15:17.000 Okay? 1.00

02:15:17.000 We're going to keep... 1.00

02:15:18.000 And all night, they were bringing in planes, refueling them, and sending them out.

02:15:25.000 Carlos Leida...

02:15:26.000 What does it say?

02:15:27.000 U.S. drug lord and Escobar partner Leida released in Germany from prison.

02:15:32.000 When was this?

02:15:33.000 Oh, my God.

02:15:34.000 Just now.

02:15:35.000 From Florida to Germany. 0.80

02:15:36.000 Oh, from Florida to Germany. 0.54

02:15:38.000 Because he's originally from Germany.

02:15:40.000 His father was German.

02:15:41.000 He's got 2,000 years.

02:15:43.000 So what they did was this...

02:15:45.000 What they did was this. 1.00

02:15:46.000 It doesn't take a fucking genius. 1.00

02:15:48.000 This kid got the island. 1.00

02:15:50.000 He made them a bunch of money.

02:15:52.000 But then he started doing a podcast from the island with cameras and naked women of him snorting coke with a robot.

02:16:00.000 How old was he? 0.99

02:16:01.000 Who the fuck knows? 0.98

02:16:02.000 28, 30, just making $20 million a day. 1.00

02:16:06.000 Think if you're making $20 million a day.

02:16:09.000 And you're just addicted to coke.

02:16:11.000 There's bags of blow behind you.

02:16:13.000 He's just ripping bags open, snorting them, just talking.

02:16:17.000 He was a John Lennon fan.

02:16:19.000 So he would talk about...

02:16:20.000 That's him.

02:16:20.000 There he is.

02:16:22.000 He would do these videos for hours, for days.

02:16:25.000 So he was like an original YouTube star.

02:16:27.000 Yeah, so what they did was...

02:16:29.000 But he wasn't posting on YouTube.

02:16:31.000 But if he did, he would be huge.

02:16:33.000 So what they did was...

02:16:34.000 He's MySpace boy.

02:16:35.000 He's the first one they gave up. 0.99

02:16:37.000 When the shit got deep and the Colombians were in trouble, the five Colombians sat down. 1.00

02:16:43.000 They said, listen, this kid's on an island talking about Jim Morrison in the doors. 0.99

02:16:48.000 Let's let the feds know where he's at.

02:16:52.000 We'll give him you, and we got no beef. 0.99

02:16:55.000 So they extradited, laid there.

02:16:57.000 They gave him...

02:17:00.000 2,000 years.

02:17:01.000 Look up the sentence.

02:17:03.000 I'm not trying to be funny.

02:17:04.000 They gave him 1,000 years.

02:17:06.000 So why would they expedite him to Germany? 0.97

02:17:08.000 Because he gave them information years later about He gave them, like, vital, he gave them really great information that if the country fucking knew, we would sink. 1.00

02:17:20.000 Like, he gave them shit. 1.00

02:17:21.000 Sink what? 1.00

02:17:23.000 He gave them information that he was, he also, not beside having his island, that that was also a distraction.

02:17:33.000 His main contributor, his main supplier was Fidel.

02:17:38.000 So Fidel was letting him go to Cuba, bring the coke to Cuba, stock it, and for every ship that went out from Cuba to the United States with a Cuban flag, Fidel would get a kickback of $800,000.

02:17:52.000 Fidel was sending three, four ships a day.

02:17:57.000 So he testified against Fidel, which obviously nobody ever arrested Fidel.

02:18:02.000 And he told them everything he knew about the ins and outs of money moving. 0.95

02:18:07.000 You could find it online, all the shit he had done. 0.98

02:18:11.000 This guy in blow is based off of him. 0.99

02:18:13.000 That guy in blow is based on him.

02:18:16.000 George Young's cellmate in prison.

02:18:17.000 Isn't it funny, like, no one wants their son to do that, but everybody loves these movies.

02:18:24.000 Yeah, that's weird.

02:18:25.000 Isn't that weird? 1.00

02:18:25.000 Like, Jamie, if you had a son, your son became a fucking drug dealer. 1.00

02:18:29.000 In this movie, his father is Henry Hill. 1.00

02:18:32.000 No shit. 0.99

02:18:33.000 And he knows that he's doing it. 1.00

02:18:34.000 It's a very good movie.

02:18:35.000 Is that real?

02:18:36.000 In real life?

02:18:36.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:18:37.000 In the movie...

02:18:39.000 So it's a fictional kid.

02:18:40.000 Ray Liotta.

02:18:41.000 Ray Liotta plays his father in this movie.

02:18:43.000 Oh, Henry Hill.

02:18:45.000 And one day...

02:18:47.000 I thought you meant the actual Henry Hill. 1.00

02:18:49.000 No, fuck Henry Hill. 0.99

02:18:50.000 What are the odds? 1.00

02:18:50.000 It's a criminal family. 1.00

02:18:51.000 Thank you very much.

02:18:54.000 Jamie had a translator for you.

02:18:56.000 Jamie's a psychic.

02:18:57.000 For sure.

02:18:58.000 Jamie's 100% a psychic.

02:19:00.000 It's really crazy to say that because in the movie, he goes to his house one time, the father.

02:19:06.000 And he goes, so all this on the landscape is...

02:19:10.000 What are you doing, son?

02:19:12.000 And he goes, what are you talking about?

02:19:14.000 She comes from wealth. 0.99

02:19:16.000 You know?

02:19:17.000 And then he gets busted and stuff.

02:19:21.000 Look at this right here.

02:19:22.000 Look at that old school Corvette. 1.00

02:19:24.000 Look at that fucking car. 1.00

02:19:25.000 Look at his house. 1.00

02:19:26.000 They're from fucking Boston. 1.00

02:19:27.000 He's in a palace. 1.00

02:19:29.000 Look at that car, though.

02:19:31.000 Go wide. 1.00

02:19:31.000 Look at that fucking car. 1.00

02:19:33.000 That's a generation one Corvette. 1.00

02:19:36.000 That's That's even before mine.

02:19:39.000 Mine is a 65. That's probably early 60s, maybe even 50s.

02:19:45.000 That thing's amazing.

02:19:48.000 Those cars back then, man?

02:19:50.000 You like that early first series Corvette? 0.96

02:19:52.000 Holy shit what a car that is. 0.98

02:19:55.000 Ron White's got one of those. 1.00

02:19:56.000 A sick one.

02:19:57.000 See if you can find it.

02:19:58.000 See if Ron White's Corvette is online.

02:20:01.000 Ron White has a sick... 0.99

02:20:04.000 Let me go piss again. 1.00

02:20:06.000 You get out of there, big boy. 0.96

02:20:09.000 Generation One.

02:20:11.000 He has a Generation One convertible that's just immaculate.

02:20:17.000 Ron White has got to be one of the coolest people on the planet.

02:20:19.000 Sweetheart.

02:20:20.000 Gotta be one of the coolest people.

02:20:21.000 Owns his own tequila company. 0.99

02:20:23.000 Funny as fuck. 0.99

02:20:25.000 Always cool to hang with. 0.99

02:20:26.000 Never has an attitude.

02:20:29.000 He's never had an attitude.

02:20:30.000 He's always Ron White.

02:20:31.000 What you see is what you get. 1.00

02:20:33.000 That's Ron motherfucking White. 0.99

02:20:35.000 He's always super sweet. 0.99

02:20:37.000 Hugs people.

02:20:38.000 Real friendly.

02:20:38.000 Reminds me of what Texas is in a human form.

02:20:40.000 He's fucking awesome. 0.99

02:20:42.000 He's just a fucking awesome guy. 0.98

02:20:44.000 I love him to death. 0.92

02:20:45.000 There's his car.

02:20:46.000 And he's got the dopest choice in vehicles.

02:20:48.000 Look at that. 1.00

02:20:49.000 God damn, what a car. 1.00

02:20:51.000 Is he having somebody else drive it for him? 0.99

02:20:53.000 I think it's probably like when he first got it.

02:20:55.000 Oh, wow.

02:20:58.000 Look at that thing, man. 1.00

02:21:00.000 God damn, that's pretty. 0.99

02:21:02.000 That's so pretty. 1.00

02:21:05.000 America knew how to do shit back then, Red Band. 1.00

02:21:07.000 I think it's getting more exciting now, honestly, with cars. 0.99

02:21:11.000 I love it.

02:21:11.000 Oh, for sure.

02:21:12.000 Yeah.

02:21:12.000 For sure, with cars.

02:21:14.000 Cars are the most exciting now.

02:21:15.000 Are you going to get one of those, what's it called?

02:21:19.000 Cybertrucks?

02:21:20.000 No, no, no, no.

02:21:21.000 The gas, the Ford Bronco.

02:21:23.000 No.

02:21:24.000 I have a real Bronco.

02:21:26.000 I have a 1972 Bronco.

02:21:28.000 Yeah.

02:21:28.000 Those are real.

02:21:29.000 Mine's a manual.

02:21:30.000 It doesn't even have good brakes.

02:21:33.000 There's a thing about Broncos, like those old Broncos, even mine, like I have a Coyote engine in it.

02:21:40.000 It's an icon.

02:21:41.000 So Jonathan Ward makes it.

02:21:43.000 They take a...

02:21:45.000 8-cylinder Mustang engine.

02:21:47.000 If you bought a Mustang GT, they put that in an old Bronco and tweak everything.

02:21:52.000 But it's still not really fast.

02:21:54.000 It's not supposed to be fast.

02:21:55.000 It's just supposed to be interesting.

02:21:57.000 It's like you're driving this thing. 0.99

02:21:58.000 It's all mechanical and shit. 0.97

02:22:01.000 But the new Bronco is not going to be like that. 0.99

02:22:03.000 New Bronco is going to be dope, no doubt about it.

02:22:06.000 But it's going to be a different kind of dope.

02:22:07.000 It's going to be like a modern dope.

02:22:08.000 What is that again?

02:22:09.000 Show me what you're putting.

02:22:10.000 It's interesting. 0.99

02:22:12.000 Larger Cybertruck will be North American ass-kicker. 0.99

02:22:15.000 Smaller Cybertruck, highly likely to be sent to countries we hate. 0.99

02:22:20.000 You know why, right? 1.00

02:22:21.000 North American ass kicker. 0.93

02:22:22.000 The size of the Cybertruck, like Elon wanted to make it smaller because it's bigger than what an average size garage is, single car garage. 0.97

02:22:31.000 Oh.

02:22:31.000 And so that's the problem.

02:22:32.000 That's why there's probably going to be a smaller one. 1.00

02:22:34.000 That is a fucking problem. 0.99

02:22:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:22:36.000 We are gross. 1.00

02:22:38.000 We do need things to be as big as humanly possible. 0.99

02:22:41.000 If there's a fucking XL Diet Coke, I always get it. 0.93

02:22:45.000 I'm like, the regular large is not enough. 0.99

02:22:48.000 I am thirsty. 0.99

02:22:50.000 Americans are greedy. 1.00

02:22:51.000 You know, we see a bigger truck. 0.93

02:22:53.000 Like Samsung has it nailed, right?

02:22:56.000 They sell you the regular Note, and then you can get the Note Ultra.

02:22:59.000 You've got a laptop in your pocket, boy.

02:23:02.000 Have you got one of those folds?

02:23:04.000 Did you fall for the fold?

02:23:05.000 The new fold looks pretty badass.

02:23:07.000 It does.

02:23:07.000 There's a new, new one, right?

02:23:08.000 It's just coming out.

02:23:09.000 What do I get next, guys?

02:23:11.000 Just keep with your iPhone.

02:23:13.000 The thing about iPhones is, here's the thing.

02:23:15.000 When you have...

02:23:15.000 Wait, the new one's about to be released.

02:23:17.000 When you try the two different platforms...

02:23:20.000 The iPhone got way ahead of everybody with two things.

02:23:23.000 One, airdrop.

02:23:24.000 Airdrop's so important.

02:23:25.000 If you make a funny video of something, you see something, I'm like, oh my god, send me that.

02:23:29.000 I get it instantly.

02:23:31.000 Bluetooth, like that.

02:23:32.000 It's fast. 1.00

02:23:32.000 It's fast as fuck. 1.00

02:23:33.000 Yeah, I'll send gigabyte files to my girlfriend to edit and stuff like that, and it's like 15 seconds. 0.97

02:23:39.000 Also, when I send you pictures, if they come through iMessage, they're better quality.

02:23:43.000 They're better resolution.

02:23:45.000 There's like a lot of things that you get used to.

02:23:47.000 You get used to iMessage.

02:23:49.000 You get used to the fact you could answer a message from your laptop if you had a Mac laptop. 1.00

02:23:54.000 There's a lot of shit. 0.98

02:23:56.000 Also, like buying things with one click. 1.00

02:23:59.000 Apple Pay. 1.00

02:23:59.000 Yeah, Apple Pay is the shit. 1.00

02:24:01.000 When you go to a supermarket, you just pay with your phone. 1.00

02:24:04.000 I've been using that the whole time.

02:24:05.000 Look at yourself.

02:24:06.000 Pay for your groceries.

02:24:08.000 It takes three seconds.

02:24:09.000 Your watch can do it, too.

02:24:10.000 You feel like you're in the future.

02:24:13.000 If I can pay for things with my phone, I feel like I'm in the future.

02:24:15.000 I love it. 0.99

02:24:16.000 And you're not touching shit and getting corona and crap. 0.99

02:24:18.000 I remember Dana White told me about that in 2005. Like, bro, in Japan, their phones, they pay for shit with their phones. 1.00

02:24:24.000 I was like, what? 0.99

02:24:25.000 Like, what?

02:24:26.000 Like, yeah, they go through things.

02:24:27.000 They pay for things with their phones.

02:24:29.000 They're so far ahead of us.

02:24:30.000 Now here we are. 1.00

02:24:33.000 Joey Diaz, what the fuck happened to you? 0.99

02:24:35.000 I don't like that much information out. 1.00

02:24:39.000 Throw me that lighter.

02:24:40.000 I don't like that much information.

02:24:42.000 I wouldn't want to keep...

02:24:43.000 Yeah, but that's what you said when email first came out or buying on Amazon.

02:24:47.000 Or voicemails!

02:24:48.000 Or voicemails! 1.00

02:24:49.000 Remember when he would get mad if you left a fucking voice? 1.00

02:24:51.000 Don't you fucking text message me, Joe Rogan! 1.00

02:24:53.000 Nobody fucking voicemails me no more. 1.00

02:24:55.000 But the text messages! 1.00

02:24:56.000 You would get so mad!

02:24:58.000 Remember?

02:24:59.000 He still does, kind of.

02:25:00.000 I just erase him.

02:25:04.000 If you're still text messaging me, like it depends what day, but there's...

02:25:09.000 I like text messages.

02:25:10.000 There's just people I just erase.

02:25:12.000 Like, I don't even look at the message.

02:25:13.000 Well...

02:25:14.000 If I don't recognize the number...

02:25:15.000 Here's the problem, Joey.

02:25:16.000 You just get erased.

02:25:17.000 The problem is you're awesome.

02:25:19.000 So there's a lot of people that want to talk to you.

02:25:20.000 That's the problem.

02:25:21.000 And send you cool pictures.

02:25:23.000 No. 0.99

02:25:24.000 If you want to talk to me, if you know me that well, you'll fucking call me. 0.98

02:25:29.000 I don't want to text with nobody. 0.97

02:25:30.000 I feel like the thing that everybody worries about is using their phone too much.

02:25:34.000 That's almost the number one thing everybody worries about.

02:25:36.000 Because if you didn't worry about using your phone too much, you'd say, oh, I just need something I can text with and answer emails.

02:25:41.000 And occasionally look up something on Google, right?

02:25:44.000 That's it. 1.00

02:25:46.000 But you're addicted to your goddamn phone, so you're going to be Instagramming and Snapchatting and TikToking. 1.00

02:25:52.000 None of that shit. 1.00

02:25:53.000 I don't do any of that shit. 1.00

02:25:53.000 You don't TikTok? 1.00

02:25:54.000 Fuck no, it's against the law, bitch. 1.00

02:25:57.000 It's against the law, bitch. 1.00

02:25:59.000 It's against the law. 1.00

02:26:02.000 Joe, you should TikTok.

02:26:03.000 You're missing a whole corner of your market.

02:26:05.000 Do you TikTok?

02:26:07.000 Don't I? No, I've never TikTok.

02:26:09.000 But I'm saying you should TikTok.

02:26:11.000 Listen, I'm just a manager here.

02:26:13.000 My first TikTok video?

02:26:14.000 I'm not trying to play quarterback.

02:26:16.000 I'm trying to manage his team.

02:26:17.000 Joey, TikTok.

02:26:19.000 No, it's against the law.

02:26:20.000 Let me tell you something.

02:26:22.000 There was a moment in the main room.

02:26:25.000 I don't know if you remember this, but this was like many years ago.

02:26:28.000 We're talking about like 2001 maybe?

02:26:31.000 Maybe around then?

02:26:32.000 Maybe 2000?

02:26:33.000 There was no one in the main room.

02:26:35.000 You're on stage.

02:26:36.000 And you had Danny play Black Sabbath, War Pig.

02:26:39.000 And I took my shirt off.

02:26:40.000 Do you remember that?

02:26:41.000 Yeah.

02:26:41.000 Do you remember?

02:26:42.000 You had Danny play War Pig, and you took your shirt off. 0.99

02:26:44.000 That was 15 fucking years ago. 0.98

02:26:46.000 And you were singing into the microphone, and we were like, yeah! 0.99

02:26:52.000 There was no audience.

02:26:54.000 No, there was 10 people.

02:26:55.000 Yeah.

02:26:55.000 There was 10 people, but there was also 10 comedians.

02:26:58.000 So there was 20 people in the audience in the main room.

02:26:59.000 10 of them were just audience members. 0.99

02:27:01.000 And then Joey's on stage, he gets the spotlight on him, and he's fucking singing at the top of his lungs to War Pigs. 0.98

02:27:12.000 And we're all like, yes! 0.99

02:27:14.000 It was what the Comedy Store is.

02:27:17.000 It was the madness.

02:27:18.000 It was sink or swim.

02:27:20.000 It was chaos.

02:27:21.000 It was just ten people in the audience.

02:27:23.000 What are you gonna do, Jose Diaz?

02:27:25.000 What are you gonna do? 1.00

02:27:27.000 You took your fucking shirt off and you started singing into the microphone, full clip, and we were cheering. 1.00

02:27:34.000 The audience was cheering because we recognized that you did something fun. 1.00

02:27:38.000 You did something special.

02:27:39.000 You took a moment. 0.99

02:27:40.000 A fucking 1245 spot in the main room on whatever night it was. 0.99

02:27:44.000 I don't remember. 0.98

02:27:45.000 It was only weekends back in those days.

02:27:47.000 The main room was only open on weekends.

02:27:48.000 I remember that.

02:27:49.000 Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays.

02:27:50.000 Yeah, so it had to be.

02:27:52.000 It was most likely Friday or Saturday.

02:27:54.000 But it was late.

02:27:55.000 Everybody was gone.

02:27:56.000 And you just took control of this moment in this way that I'm never going to forget.

02:28:01.000 It was positive.

02:28:03.000 It was exciting.

02:28:04.000 And it made me realize what part of what live comedy is.

02:28:07.000 It's not just like set up punchline.

02:28:10.000 No it isn't.

02:28:11.000 There's moments where you capture these moments. 0.99

02:28:13.000 You just knew how to grab a hold of that fucking wave and ride it. 0.99

02:28:19.000 You were just hanging that wave of love. 1.00

02:28:21.000 You were just riding it.

02:28:22.000 I've been obsessed.

02:28:25.000 Especially when I started watching YouTube.

02:28:28.000 Why YouTube?

02:28:29.000 I got into comedy and I followed comedy.

02:28:33.000 But then I looked at it differently.

02:28:35.000 When YouTube hit, I started studying singers.

02:28:39.000 I started studying singers to really learn how to really get my message across.

02:28:48.000 So I started with Robert Plant.

02:28:51.000 Nobody gets the message across like Robert Plant when he's singing Since I've Been Loving You, okay?

02:28:58.000 You have to study the great singers.

02:29:00.000 I studied the singer from Bad Company, his body movements.

02:29:06.000 Then I studied the singer from Leonard Skinner.

02:29:10.000 So I copied.

02:29:11.000 I stole Leonard Skinner's, that dude, whatever his name was, when you see Joey Diaz on stage, I'm just faking it.

02:29:20.000 I stole Leonard Skinner's singer's persona on stage.

02:29:26.000 The persona is that walk that he makes in Oakland in 77. The walk of James Brown onto Africa with the cape.

02:29:38.000 They took the cape off.

02:29:40.000 Me and you laughed about it.

02:29:42.000 Once you take that side of music and you mix it with what we're trying to do and implement it at the comedy store is when your life really explodes as a comedian.

02:29:54.000 Tennyson touched into it.

02:29:56.000 You touched into it.

02:29:58.000 Yes.

02:29:58.000 Look at him.

02:30:00.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

02:30:02.000 You cannot give a fuck. 1.00

02:30:04.000 So I studied what you know Just a couple of singers have this Joe Rogan that you could tell what they're singing about by looking at their body. 1.00

02:30:16.000 Robert Plant, Since I've Been Loving You, Live from the Garden, is fucking body language. 0.98

02:30:24.000 It is superb. 1.00

02:30:25.000 Nobody's body language was better on stage than fucking Robert Plant. 0.99

02:30:31.000 Mick Jagger did his thing. 0.98

02:30:33.000 But selling you what three guys behind you are playing is a gift that I also wanted to tap into.

02:30:42.000 That's why I kind of liked Josh's idea.

02:30:45.000 If you didn't do it, you missed out as a comic.

02:30:49.000 Can you imagine what would have happened?

02:30:51.000 I said no to it for months and I did it.

02:30:54.000 It was the worst anxiety attack I ever got.

02:30:57.000 But it was worth doing it one time, Joe Rogan.

02:31:00.000 What were you going to say?

02:31:01.000 I was going to say, no.

02:31:02.000 Can you imagine if Leonard Skinner didn't crash in that plane?

02:31:05.000 We would have had a complete different world today.

02:31:07.000 The Outlaws would have been huge.

02:31:09.000 Because Leonard Skinner was already blowing Ted Nugent out of the water on that tour.

02:31:14.000 It was well known.

02:31:15.000 Those songs were so good.

02:31:18.000 I know a little.

02:31:19.000 I know a little about love.

02:31:20.000 Maybe I can guess the rest.

02:31:22.000 You have no idea!

02:31:23.000 You have no idea.

02:31:25.000 Dude, to this day, man, when I do my kickboxing workouts, 9 out of 10 times, I put on a Leonard Skinner...

02:31:32.000 It gets you angry.

02:31:33.000 Yeah, I put it on a playlist.

02:31:34.000 But it's just, they weren't supposed to be that good.

02:31:38.000 They're from Florida.

02:31:40.000 For real.

02:31:41.000 That's the story of Leonard Skinner.

02:31:43.000 They're not supposed to be that good.

02:31:45.000 Ronnie Van Zandt, all those guys, they're from Florida.

02:31:48.000 They were powerful, though.

02:31:49.000 Bro, in a weird way.

02:31:51.000 In a weird way.

02:31:52.000 They would rehearse their riffs, right?

02:31:55.000 Eddie Bravo was explaining to me the difference.

02:31:58.000 Some people have riffs where they just go off.

02:32:01.000 Some guys just shred.

02:32:03.000 And some guys have riffs where the whole riff is like this really calculated solo. 0.99

02:32:09.000 It's not as simple as a guy just fucking... 0.99

02:32:14.000 For the crowd. 0.99

02:32:16.000 No, this guy's got a whole, like, when they did, like, if they did Freebird, that one guitar solo from Freebird might be the greatest guitar solo of all time.

02:32:30.000 It was so polished, because it's a crazy solo, because they did that solo over and over and over and over and over again. 0.99

02:32:37.000 Fuck, it was good, man. 0.99

02:32:38.000 When he hits the leap, when he leaps in the air and slams down on the guitar... 1.00

02:32:43.000 This kid here? 1.00

02:32:44.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

02:32:45.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:32:46.000 Look at them. 1.00

02:32:47.000 But you know who else had the flavor?

02:32:48.000 The Allman Brothers. 1.00

02:32:50.000 Fuck yeah, they did. 1.00

02:32:50.000 With Dickie Betts and motherfucking Allman. 1.00

02:32:54.000 But this here is beautiful. 0.99

02:32:56.000 I study this.

02:32:57.000 I study him.

02:32:58.000 Look at him.

02:32:59.000 He's not even...

02:33:00.000 He just spit. 0.99

02:33:01.000 He just fucking spit. 0.99

02:33:03.000 Joey, every time I used to have to do Kevin and Bean... 0.99

02:33:06.000 I would do Kevin and Bean a lot.

02:33:08.000 They were the only LA radio station that I would do.

02:33:11.000 You'd have to get up really early in the morning if you wanted to get there by 7. So I'd have to leave my house at like 5 in the morning so it was like fucking dark out, right? 0.62

02:33:17.000 And I would smoke a joint in my driveway and I would play Midnight Rider. 0.68

02:33:22.000 I'd play the Allman Brothers' Midnight Rider. 1.00

02:33:24.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:33:27.000 Yeah, I got to see Allman Brothers a few times. 1.00

02:33:30.000 Did you really?

02:33:30.000 Yeah.

02:33:31.000 Where?

02:33:31.000 Columbus, Ohio.

02:33:33.000 Goddamn. 0.99

02:33:34.000 What were they doing? 0.99

02:33:35.000 They used to do a tour with, I believe, Blues Traveler or somebody like that.

02:33:40.000 And there was a few of those jam band type bands.

02:33:42.000 I forget what the tour used to be called.

02:33:45.000 Dude, we had Rob Lowe here on the other day.

02:33:49.000 I saw that.

02:33:50.000 I didn't watch the whole podcast. 0.97

02:33:51.000 It was amazing, but it made me stop and think about some of the shit that I forgot that was awesome. 0.80

02:33:57.000 When you're hanging out with someone like Rob Lowe, you start thinking about other shit that was awesome back when you first found out about him. 0.91

02:34:05.000 He's amazing. 0.99

02:34:06.000 He's a nice fucking guy, man. 0.99

02:34:07.000 Remember him in Austin Powers? 0.99

02:34:08.000 Yes.

02:34:10.000 But he's like a really nice guy in real life.

02:34:12.000 Like, you meet him.

02:34:13.000 He's everything you would hope he'd be.

02:34:15.000 He's really charming, really smart, really friendly.

02:34:17.000 He's good on Instagram, too.

02:34:18.000 Like, his live little videos and stuff he makes.

02:34:20.000 He's super legit.

02:34:21.000 He's a good guy.

02:34:22.000 Like, a really nice guy.

02:34:23.000 I'm happy to know him.

02:34:25.000 It was fun talking to him.

02:34:26.000 But at a certain point in time, when you're talking to someone that's that famous, it does weird you out.

02:34:30.000 You're like, you're Rob Lowe.

02:34:32.000 Like, this is so weird.

02:34:36.000 You just feel so strange.

02:34:39.000 So I said, dog, we're leaving?

02:34:41.000 Yeah, I think we have to.

02:34:42.000 This is the thing.

02:34:44.000 Is any Bravo staying?

02:34:45.000 I don't know.

02:34:46.000 He'll come.

02:34:48.000 Well, I'll get out of here.

02:34:50.000 There's the tax thing.

02:34:52.000 There's the crime thing.

02:34:53.000 There's the looting thing.

02:34:55.000 There's the no ability to work for too many people thing.

02:34:59.000 No school.

02:35:00.000 Restriction.

02:35:01.000 Queso.

02:35:02.000 The restriction barbecue.

02:35:04.000 Shout out to Hoggly Wogglies and Van Nuys though. 0.72

02:35:07.000 You ever eat at Hoggly Wogglies? 0.98

02:35:09.000 Yeah, they can hang with anybody on the planet. 0.99

02:35:12.000 I don't give a fuck what anybody says. 0.98

02:35:13.000 I've eaten amazing barbecue in Austin and Houston and Dallas and Nashville. 1.00

02:35:18.000 They have great barbecue, don't get me wrong, but Hoggly Wogglies and Van Nuys can hang with all them bitches. 1.00

02:35:24.000 People just don't know. 0.98

02:35:25.000 That's an old school joint.

02:35:27.000 That place has been around forever. 0.91

02:35:28.000 Next to that nasty strip club. 1.00

02:35:32.000 I had to shoot a movie there one night. 0.99

02:35:34.000 I was so fucking embarrassed. 0.99

02:35:36.000 Bro, there's a bunch of nasty strip clubs down there. 1.00

02:35:38.000 A sad little budget there one night. 0.97

02:35:41.000 What's up with you?

02:35:42.000 Why you giving me weird looks all night today?

02:35:43.000 You don't love me no more?

02:35:44.000 What?

02:35:45.000 No.

02:35:46.000 I was just thinking of barbecue and strip clubs.

02:35:48.000 Oh, okay.

02:35:48.000 You know what they're doing now because the massage parters and everything's closed and strip clubs and stuff?

02:35:52.000 They're having Airbnb sex parties.

02:35:54.000 I guess that's the new thing. 0.93

02:35:55.000 Oh, great. 0.99

02:35:56.000 That's where the fucking spike's coming from. 0.99

02:35:59.000 I thought about you two weeks ago when I went to CVS and I saw a white guy And a hot African American chick having an argument outside of CVS at 9.20 in the morning. 1.00

02:36:13.000 He was a little chubby and they were having some type of loud discussion.

02:36:17.000 I went and I got my medication when I walked out. 1.00

02:36:21.000 He's yelling at her, I want my wallet back, you fucking bitch. 1.00

02:36:24.000 Why'd you think of me? 1.00

02:36:27.000 Because you always talk about all those dirty bitches up in Van Heys and shit. 1.00

02:36:32.000 So this is how bad it is where I live now. 1.00

02:36:35.000 So this is my CVS. This is the main one I've been going for 10 years.

02:36:40.000 And all of a sudden when I walk out, I walk towards my car, but I hear him go, I want my fucking wallet back, you fucking bitch. 1.00

02:36:48.000 And she's like, I didn't take your wallet. 1.00

02:36:50.000 And what are you going to do?

02:36:51.000 Call the police and tell them what? 1.00

02:36:53.000 I sucked your dick? 1.00

02:36:54.000 Is that not a wedding ring around your hand? 1.00

02:36:58.000 And he goes, bitch, I don't give a fuck if it's a wedding ring. 1.00

02:37:01.000 Give me my fucking wallet. 1.00

02:37:02.000 And he hauls off and smacks the Dexter like fucking name a knockout in the UFC. This is way better than anything you've ever seen. 1.00

02:37:10.000 The fucking pimp was down the block. 1.00

02:37:12.000 He took off on his fucking car. 1.00

02:37:15.000 The wallet fell out of her bra. 1.00

02:37:17.000 People ran to him.

02:37:18.000 Me, I didn't have a piece, so I got in my car and took off because there's a lot of shooting in North Hollywood lately. 0.96

02:37:24.000 Two days fucking later, I'm at the office. 0.99

02:37:27.000 I go, let me go check on the office, get some shit out of there. 0.99

02:37:30.000 I go down the block, I go down fucking whatever, and I hook on Lancashire. 0.99

02:37:34.000 I'm stuck by the train station. 0.99

02:37:36.000 I'm the third car in the...

02:37:41.000 Inside lane.

02:37:43.000 So I'm going south down Lancashire.

02:37:46.000 Okay, I'm about to hit Magnolia, the Federal, all that stuff.

02:37:51.000 But I'm sitting right there crossing the train station.

02:37:54.000 And all of a sudden, out of the left of my eye, I see this commotion and I see this woman looking up and all of a sudden I see an axe handle or something hit her and she goes down into the street and it's a white guy with a vest on just hitting people with axe handles and they're going down one by one.

02:38:14.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

02:38:15.000 And all of a sudden, I see a chubby guy running across the street and fucking he starts chasing the chubby guy. 0.99

02:38:22.000 Traffic is beeping. 0.99

02:38:23.000 Beep, beep, beep.

02:38:24.000 It's 3.30 in the afternoon. 0.99

02:38:26.000 And all of a sudden I go, this is my chance to be a fucking hero. 1.00

02:38:29.000 I hook a U-turn and I'm going to shoot down the street and catch him at the end and hit him with my car. 1.00

02:38:35.000 It's been years since I hit a motherfucker with my car. 1.00

02:38:38.000 When I get to the corner, I hit the fucking left. 1.00

02:38:41.000 The guy sees me. 0.99

02:38:42.000 He dropped the axe handle already.

02:38:44.000 He sees me, and he runs left instead of right.

02:38:47.000 If he would have ran right, I would have just hit him with the car and kept going.

02:38:51.000 It would have been an accident.

02:38:52.000 I didn't see him.

02:38:52.000 He committed a crime.

02:38:53.000 He dropped the axe handle, and the guy was on the floor, and his head was bleeding, and then the guy ran back to the train station to get some more.

02:39:01.000 What is happening?

02:39:02.000 That's why I'm leaving, though. 1.00

02:39:03.000 Fucking Lancashire, man. 1.00

02:39:05.000 Lancashire is fucking nuts! 1.00

02:39:08.000 My girl calls me. 1.00

02:39:09.000 My dog.

02:39:10.000 She's married.

02:39:11.000 She's my buddy.

02:39:12.000 She's like, I had a rough day on the set.

02:39:14.000 Can I talk to you?

02:39:15.000 I go, I'll meet you behind the wire like I usually meet you.

02:39:18.000 Let's smoke a number.

02:39:19.000 We socially distance.

02:39:21.000 She sits in her car and I sit in my car and she tells me about her day on the set.

02:39:25.000 And it's ten after nine because I got to catch it before Mercy goes to sleep.

02:39:30.000 So I meet her like a quarter to nine.

02:39:32.000 We're talking and all of a sudden you're here.

02:39:39.000 And then you hear, bah, bah, right behind that. 0.99

02:39:41.000 And we're like, did you fucking hear that? 0.99

02:39:43.000 That was right on the fucking corner. 0.99

02:39:46.000 I go home, my wife goes, thank God you're home. 0.99

02:39:49.000 She goes, it's all over the place.

02:39:50.000 There was a shooting at Magnolia, Lancashire.

02:39:54.000 She goes to drive by, and then the guy they shot at shot twice, because that chicken place is there. 0.99

02:39:59.000 There's a chicken place.

02:40:01.000 Hot chicken.

02:40:02.000 Hot chicken.

02:40:04.000 Yeah, dog.

02:40:04.000 It's not bueno by me, dog.

02:40:06.000 It's not bueno by a lot of people.

02:40:08.000 It's not bueno.

02:40:09.000 So the axe handle just came out of nowhere and hit this lady in the head? 0.93

02:40:12.000 I was sitting there minding my own business.

02:40:13.000 This guy came out.

02:40:14.000 Jesus Christ.

02:40:16.000 So it's not bueno.

02:40:17.000 You're seeing more.

02:40:19.000 I go to Burbank a lot and I go down Magnolia.

02:40:22.000 They've been saying that about New York too.

02:40:24.000 Random people get sucker punched. 0.58

02:40:25.000 New York and Chicago are both really bad right now.

02:40:29.000 Valley Village Park.

02:40:31.000 A guy was walking his dog at 2 in the morning.

02:40:33.000 Four identified men jumped out of a car and threw a beating on him.

02:40:39.000 For no reason.

02:40:40.000 I don't want what's in Seattle and Portland to come down here and catch.

02:40:45.000 My wife had to go downtown the other day to send money, and she goes downtown. 0.99

02:40:50.000 It's just horrible.

02:40:51.000 It's already horrible to begin with, but it's a nightmare now.

02:40:54.000 You have stayed up here and up there.

02:40:57.000 Your final conclusion is to...

02:41:00.000 Get in the car one day next week, I've told you, and just go say your goodbyes to the comedy store by yourself.

02:41:06.000 You don't have to bring nobody.

02:41:07.000 Put your hand on the wall.

02:41:09.000 Make a left on the Siena and then pick a street and make a left so you can make another left to get on the 101. And make a mental projection of when this will come back.

02:41:22.000 But you know what?

02:41:23.000 Everybody wanted the zombie apocalypse. 1.00

02:41:26.000 You got it, bitch. 1.00

02:41:27.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:41:28.000 You want everybody...

02:41:29.000 I'm a zombie!

02:41:31.000 It's pretty close.

02:41:33.000 Well, everybody wanted society to burn.

02:41:36.000 So many people wanted society to burn, but I just don't think they expected it to burn this way.

02:41:41.000 They just didn't want the current system to be in place.

02:41:44.000 They wanted a more equitable system.

02:41:47.000 This is what happens when there's a breakdown.

02:41:49.000 When there's a breakdown, we go back to who we were just a few thousand years ago.

02:41:54.000 This is why it's so important for civilization to be maintained.

02:41:57.000 It's not just because it helps rich people protect their money and helps people feel safe.

02:42:04.000 It helps everybody grow.

02:42:07.000 You're in a bad state if you've got violence everywhere because people can adapt to whatever state they're in.

02:42:13.000 If they just become accustomed to having violence all the time everywhere, It's gonna be a much more dangerous place with the same people, same people living in it, and two years later, it's a far more dangerous place.

02:42:25.000 That's, for whatever reason, whatever causes people to lean one way or another like that, that's not a good sign.

02:42:31.000 That's a sign of a very shaky civilization.

02:42:33.000 And I think that we can lean one way or the other here. 0.99

02:42:37.000 We can either lean to where we fight more, and there's more violence, more chaos, more destruction, more people angry, or if we can calm the fuck down and figure out a way to work through shit together as human beings. 0.91

02:42:48.000 We're the same people that lived in this planet two years ago when everything was amazing. 0.98

02:42:53.000 We're the same people.

02:42:54.000 Yeah, there was always problems on this planet, but when here you are two years later, it's the same human beings.

02:43:00.000 We're just confronted with a problem we didn't expect, and we didn't do a good job hitting it. 0.96

02:43:05.000 We fucked it up. 0.85

02:43:06.000 We have to figure out how to do it right. 1.00

02:43:08.000 But we have to also figure out how to maintain the goddamn economy. 0.99

02:43:11.000 You have to have both. 0.98

02:43:13.000 You can't just have one thing.

02:43:14.000 You have to figure out a way where people can work in a safe way.

02:43:18.000 It's possible.

02:43:19.000 It's got to be possible.

02:43:19.000 What would you do different than Garcetti or Gavin Newsom?

02:43:22.000 I am a moron. 0.98

02:43:23.000 What would you do different? 1.00

02:43:24.000 I'm not the guy that you would come to that's going to tell you how to run a city.

02:43:28.000 But I would say you have to realize there's a ratio.

02:43:32.000 And there's a ratio of, like, if people hit a certain amount of poverty and despair, They will, the COVID. If they hit a certain amount of despair and unemployment, there's a statistic.

02:43:44.000 You could actually find out, like they've done studies.

02:43:47.000 You see it's a correlation between the amount of suicides, the amount of drug addicts, the amount of people who commit crime.

02:43:54.000 They're all connected.

02:43:55.000 People have no choice.

02:43:56.000 They have no way out.

02:43:57.000 And that's what a lot of this is.

02:44:00.000 So they focused on one kind of life loss, and that's the life loss loss to the disease.

02:44:06.000 But they didn't focus on the life loss loss to the economy collapsing or to people being unable to pay for their bills and get depressed or suicidal or drug addicts.

02:44:19.000 They didn't factor that too. 0.99

02:44:21.000 You have to factor all that shit in. 0.99

02:44:22.000 They didn't do that. 0.99

02:44:24.000 They only factored the one thing, which was you don't want people to die of the disease.

02:44:28.000 How do we make sure that the hospitals aren't overstaffed?

02:44:31.000 How do we make sure that people can work, or overloaded rather?

02:44:35.000 How do we make sure that people can work safely?

02:44:37.000 And they didn't do a good job of that.

02:44:40.000 But nobody did.

02:44:41.000 Nobody in America did.

02:44:42.000 We never were prepared for something like this.

02:44:44.000 They weren't prepared.

02:44:44.000 They had no idea.

02:44:46.000 How could they?

02:44:46.000 We were not prepared, and that's why you can't point a finger at anybody.

02:44:50.000 And I'm not apologizing for them either, because there's probably somebody like Bill Gates or someone like that who saw it coming a while ago, and he would have done a much better job of, if you put him in charge of setting something like that up and protecting people from pandemics, and this is how much money you need to hit any sort of problem if it happens.

02:45:06.000 If you don't, You're not going to be able to contain it.

02:45:09.000 If you don't contain it, it's going to spread.

02:45:10.000 You're like, this is an investment that you have to make. 0.95

02:45:12.000 If you, like, laid it out to people in that way, who fucking knows, man? 1.00

02:45:16.000 That shit might work. 1.00

02:45:17.000 It might have worked. 1.00

02:45:18.000 They might have been able to, if not prevent this, maybe slow it down.

02:45:22.000 But even New Zealand just has new cases.

02:45:24.000 New Zealand had no cases for 100 days, and now they have cases.

02:45:28.000 Really?

02:45:28.000 I just read they didn't.

02:45:30.000 I believe it's today.

02:45:31.000 I believe today they found some new cases.

02:45:33.000 Wow.

02:45:33.000 Still.

02:45:34.000 This shit is crazy contagious. 1.00

02:45:36.000 It's crazy contagious. 1.00

02:45:38.000 It's weird.

02:45:42.000 See it?

02:45:43.000 Four new cases.

02:45:44.000 Shout out to Dana White for the bubble. 1.00

02:45:47.000 All in one house, I guess.

02:45:47.000 He came up with it.

02:45:48.000 The NBA's working on it.

02:45:51.000 Nah, I don't think football's going to work.

02:45:53.000 It's crazy.

02:45:54.000 And that's going to devastate the colleges. 0.51

02:45:55.000 Whoever would have saw this coming seven months ago?

02:45:58.000 Nobody.

02:45:58.000 Nobody saw this coming.

02:45:59.000 Crazy.

02:46:01.000 Nobody saw this coming.

02:46:01.000 Everyone's so tense.

02:46:02.000 Have you noticed?

02:46:04.000 Everyone's so tense.

02:46:06.000 It's a huge reset, though.

02:46:08.000 I mean, it's going to be interesting to see what's on the other side of this reset.

02:46:12.000 It might be more positive.

02:46:13.000 It might be not.

02:46:15.000 I feel like whenever things are really bad, like with riots or with looting or with craziness, I feel like at the other end of it, people usually take a deep breath and they try to figure out, okay, what's the solution?

02:46:31.000 It's getting through the crazy part when people want to smash windows and burn things and If we can get through that and get to the point where rational people from both sides are talking, the problem is a lot of other people have jumped in that aren't rational,

02:46:46.000 and they want it all to burn down.

02:46:48.000 And, you know, their life's not so great anyway. 0.51

02:46:50.000 So they'd be happy to set this federal building on fire. 1.00

02:46:53.000 Fuck you! 1.00

02:46:54.000 My dad hates me! 1.00

02:46:55.000 Fuck you! 1.00

02:46:56.000 You know, there's a lot of that out there. 1.00

02:46:58.000 You've got to be real careful with, like, who you give a license to light a building on fire.

02:47:03.000 Who are they doing it on behalf?

02:47:04.000 Is that the wisest way to handle our resources?

02:47:06.000 Wouldn't it be better if we just chanted, sang songs, maybe stated our argument?

02:47:12.000 No.

02:47:13.000 So many people want to light things on fire.

02:47:15.000 Why?

02:47:15.000 Because they become a part of any...

02:47:17.000 If you have a legitimate cause and it's a really good cause, but a bunch of idiots jump in and they start fucking it up, Like, that's what happens with people. 0.99

02:47:25.000 If you just have a cause where anybody can join, and it's one of the most pivotal things, and it's on the news every day, and everyone every day is fixated on it, of course you're gonna get attention whores in there. 1.00

02:47:37.000 There's attention whores in every single walk of life. 1.00

02:47:41.000 You're gonna get attention whores as activists. 1.00

02:47:43.000 There's gonna be some activists that ruin it for all the other ones. 0.81

02:47:46.000 The other ones who are out there really just want things to change.

02:47:49.000 They're really tired of people getting shot by cops.

02:47:51.000 They're really tired of injustice.

02:47:54.000 They really are. 0.96

02:47:55.000 And then there's people that are crazy. 0.98

02:47:56.000 They want to hit people with bike locks, light buildings on fire. 0.95

02:47:59.000 They're there too.

02:48:00.000 That's a problem.

02:48:01.000 The problem is we're all individuals.

02:48:03.000 Whenever we jump into groups like that based on some sort of ideology, there's going to be people on your team that you're not going to agree with.

02:48:10.000 You're stuck with their decisions.

02:48:12.000 You're stuck with what they do. 0.98

02:48:13.000 And then everybody thinks they're fucking heels in. 0.90

02:48:15.000 Everybody wants to be the left wing or right wing. 0.98

02:48:18.000 You're the with us or against us.

02:48:19.000 You're red or blue.

02:48:20.000 Come on, son.

02:48:22.000 It's like message board 101. It's dumb. 1.00

02:48:25.000 There's always a couple people you're like, all right. 1.00

02:48:28.000 It's dumb. 0.99

02:48:29.000 There should be no president. 0.99

02:48:31.000 There should be a bunch of people that are in charge of different jobs. 0.50

02:48:35.000 There should be like the president of finance, the president of war, The president of agriculture, the president of the environment, someone who only knows that one discipline. 0.97

02:48:45.000 Do you think Trump really has any idea what the fuck they're doing when they're fracking?

02:48:50.000 Do you think he's paying attention to what happens to people's water wells, their toilet bowls on fire, no one knows why? 0.98

02:48:57.000 Come on, man. 0.99

02:48:58.000 Can you imagine if you lived in one of those fracking places and you took a shit and it was awful, so you lit a match and you threw it into your bowl, hoping you would kill some of the smell of your horrible shit, and then the match hits the fucking bowl and lights on fire because your water's flammable because they're fracking? 1.00

02:49:14.000 That's real! 1.00

02:49:15.000 That's totally possible!

02:49:19.000 Do you think Trump knows about that?

02:49:21.000 There's no way he knows about that.

02:49:22.000 He's got a hundred different hotels with his name on them.

02:49:24.000 They have giant gold letters like, that's what I like!

02:49:27.000 That's what I'm looking for!

02:49:28.000 He's not paying attention to what's happened to people that are fracking.

02:49:31.000 He has no interest.

02:49:33.000 No one can.

02:49:34.000 You can only think of so many things, man.

02:49:36.000 Is fracking what caused that earthquake in North Carolina the other day?

02:49:40.000 Bro, it's causing earthquakes everywhere. 0.99

02:49:42.000 The number of earthquakes since fracking, before I talk shit, use bro science, let's find out. 0.93

02:49:49.000 What percentage of increase in earthquake activity What is it? 0.98

02:49:55.000 Pretty much drilling for oil, pretty much.

02:49:57.000 Right?

02:49:58.000 Yeah.

02:49:58.000 Yeah, it's basically they're drilling into, it's a more complicated way of drilling, but through this, they've liberated so much oil that we're not as dependent.

02:50:07.000 I don't know if we are dependent anymore on international oil.

02:50:12.000 They've been able to suck a lot of it out of the ground, but for people that live there, it's horrific.

02:50:16.000 There's a guy named...

02:50:17.000 Is it Josh Fox who has that book, Gasland?

02:50:20.000 Or a documentary, Gasland?

02:50:22.000 I believe that's his name.

02:50:25.000 He's been on here before.

02:50:26.000 What's that?

02:50:27.000 This is from Inside Science for maybe a year...

02:50:31.000 What does that say there where you highlighted?

02:50:33.000 I didn't highlight.

02:50:33.000 It's just weirdly highlighted already.

02:50:35.000 Oh, even in Western Canada, only about one in 300 fracking operations causes earthquakes.

02:50:40.000 Oh, no big deal.

02:50:41.000 300 hours.

02:50:42.000 Large enough for a person to feel.

02:50:44.000 In North America at the moment, imagine how funny that is.

02:50:47.000 Hey man, seriously, we only cause one earthquake for every 300. Yeah, we're changing the earth.

02:50:55.000 Only one out of 300. They don't tell you how many fracking operations they have.

02:50:59.000 What if they have like 300 a day across 3,000 different holes in the ground?

02:51:03.000 Which seems like that makes actual sense.

02:51:04.000 It's probably something high like that.

02:51:06.000 Yeah, dude, you know, people have these ranches out in these places and then they have these things set up on these ranches where they'll frack and dig into the ground and good luck if you have like a water source that's connected to that apparently.

02:51:20.000 And sometimes the gas gets out of the ground.

02:51:23.000 It fucks up the air quality.

02:51:25.000 Oof.

02:51:26.000 Bro.

02:51:27.000 That gets dark.

02:51:29.000 They aren't just small quakes.

02:51:30.000 Although...

02:51:32.000 Fracturing-related earthquakes are chronic.

02:51:34.000 They were thought to be minor, but new research is showing they could be quite large and damaging.

02:51:39.000 The focus of the study of a 5.7 magnitude quake near Prague, Oklahoma damaged 14 homes and other structures in the area.

02:51:47.000 Imagine you're in Prague, Oklahoma.

02:51:50.000 You're like, at least I can just sit on the porch and relax.

02:51:53.000 We're away from most folks. 1.00

02:51:56.000 And these frackin' motherfuckers, they chewed up the ground under your house. 1.00

02:52:01.000 Like, the government has to decide, like, how deep under your house is it still your house? 1.00

02:52:05.000 Like, if you buy a pot of land, and they drink your milkshake.

02:52:10.000 You remember that?

02:52:12.000 From that movie, Let There Be Blood?

02:52:13.000 He's like, I drank your milkshake!

02:52:16.000 You remember that?

02:52:18.000 You remember what I'm talking about?

02:52:19.000 Dude.

02:52:21.000 Do you remember?

02:52:24.000 Doug, when am I gonna see you again?

02:52:26.000 You're going to see me anytime you want.

02:52:27.000 Alright.

02:52:28.000 Anytime.

02:52:29.000 Let's make scheduled times when we see each other.

02:52:31.000 You're going to do a comedy club down there and a podcast?

02:52:33.000 Most likely.

02:52:34.000 I'm definitely going to do a podcast.

02:52:36.000 Most likely I'm going to do a comedy club there too.

02:52:38.000 Why not?

02:52:39.000 It'd be fun for all of us.

02:52:41.000 What are you going to do? 0.97

02:52:41.000 You're going to have your first winner and you're going to be like, why the fuck am I here? 0.97

02:52:45.000 Exactly. 0.98

02:52:45.000 So this is Daniel Day-Lewis explaining to this guy how he drinks his milkshake. 0.98

02:52:51.000 He's explaining to this guy how he puts his pipes underneath this dude's land and he drinks his milkshake.

02:52:56.000 And nothing you can do about it.

02:52:59.000 It's like, it's weird. 0.97

02:53:00.000 There's a number, you know, I don't know how far under your house You've got that Motion Plus shit still on your TVs, 0.97

02:53:17.000 guys. 0.95

02:53:17.000 What does that mean? 0.95

02:53:17.000 That setting that makes it look like a soap opera. 0.95

02:53:20.000 Does it?

02:53:20.000 Yeah.

02:53:21.000 Both of your TVs have that where it stabilizes the shake of a natural camera, so now it looks like a soap opera.

02:53:27.000 YouTube?

02:53:28.000 On YouTube?

02:53:28.000 No, your TV settings on both of these TVs have your Motion Plus turned on.

02:53:33.000 Do you notice that?

02:53:36.000 Yeah, it looks normal to me.

02:53:38.000 Really?

02:53:39.000 That looks like a soap opera to you?

02:53:40.000 Yeah, it's got that creepy look where it looks like there's no jiggle in the camera and everyone, it's like there's just tripods everywhere.

02:53:47.000 Really?

02:53:48.000 Yeah.

02:53:49.000 I would have never noticed if they didn't point it out.

02:53:51.000 I know what you're talking about, but I don't see it.

02:53:53.000 Oh, I see it.

02:53:54.000 Huh.

02:53:55.000 Interesting.

02:53:55.000 I hate it so much.

02:53:56.000 God, that is the nerdiest video talk ever.

02:54:00.000 It's one of the worst things ever, man.

02:54:02.000 It drives me crazy.

02:54:03.000 I hate it so much.

02:54:03.000 I can't even notice it.

02:54:05.000 It's like, you know how most TV shows have like a little, like you're holding a camera, like a realistic kind of like breathing of somebody filming it.

02:54:13.000 Right.

02:54:13.000 When the Motion Plus fixes all that, it makes it so it looks like it's just on a tripod and somebody hit record and they're recording somebody sitting there.

02:54:21.000 It's called the soap opera effect.

02:54:23.000 So it just looks like a cheap camera.

02:54:24.000 Most TVs have it turned on to begin with because TV companies think that looks better and people want that.

02:54:29.000 But when I see it, I get panicky. 0.99

02:54:32.000 No shit, that's so weird. 0.99

02:54:34.000 I've never even heard of that. 0.99

02:54:36.000 I mean, I have heard of it, but I never thought of it.

02:54:39.000 Auto Motion Plus is a motion smoothing feature that eliminates ghosting and blurring that occurs from fast-moving images.

02:54:46.000 So it's great on live TV, like sporting events or parades, which are filmed at 30 frames per second. 0.97

02:54:51.000 That's from Samsung saying that bullshit. 0.98

02:54:53.000 Maybe it's just better for sports, though. 0.99

02:54:55.000 Maybe it actually is better for sports.

02:54:56.000 I mean, because most sports are not...

02:55:00.000 Handheld, you know, it's like overhead stuff.

02:55:03.000 But it doesn't, does it affect like how it looks when things are moving fast?

02:55:06.000 Like if people are sprinting or something?

02:55:08.000 Probably because it's, it's, it's not, there's no jiggle to it, you know, but it already doesn't have jiggle to begin with.

02:55:13.000 So it's sure.

02:55:14.000 So would it be better to do it that way with movies, but the way with the motions shit with like fights and things like that?

02:55:21.000 Fights probably not, but like football and baseball or something like that.

02:55:25.000 Something that's stationary cameras for the most part.

02:55:28.000 I didn't know that.

02:55:29.000 You know that? 1.00

02:55:32.000 The fuck do I fucking know? 1.00

02:55:34.000 Let me ask you something. 1.00

02:55:35.000 Ask me.

02:55:35.000 You calling the fights this week?

02:55:36.000 Yes, I am.

02:55:38.000 Alright.

02:55:39.000 I'm very excited.

02:55:40.000 Vegas?

02:55:41.000 Yeah.

02:55:41.000 The bubble?

02:55:42.000 Yeah.

02:55:43.000 This is a crazy fight, man.

02:55:44.000 The trilogy.

02:55:45.000 Daniel Cormier and Stipe Miocic.

02:55:47.000 So you get tested Friday and then?

02:55:49.000 I got tested today.

02:55:50.000 Is that Curtis?

02:55:51.000 And I'm going to get tested again.

02:55:53.000 Probably like, I'll test myself on Thursday too.

02:55:57.000 Taking a shitload of vitamins.

02:55:59.000 I don't want to miss this.

02:56:00.000 Vitamin D! Yeah.

02:56:03.000 Hitting that sauna.

02:56:04.000 Keeping away from people.

02:56:05.000 Wearing a mask.

02:56:06.000 That's a big fight, man.

02:56:07.000 It's a real big fight.

02:56:08.000 And when you get those hot sauna things, do you have somebody babysitting you in the outside just to be like, hey, check on me every 10 minutes.

02:56:15.000 Are you scared of passing out or something like that?

02:56:18.000 Is that a thing?

02:56:19.000 Who are you talking to?

02:56:22.000 That's what I worry about.

02:56:23.000 My will is too strong.

02:56:24.000 You'll be hallucinating.

02:56:25.000 Next thing you're going to wake up, you're going to be baking.

02:56:27.000 No, it's not that bad, dude.

02:56:29.000 180 degrees, legitimately, it sounds hot, but once you get accustomed to it, because I've been doing it for months and months, like I started out, I would do like 150 or 160, 170, and then I went too high.

02:56:40.000 I got way over like 220. I was in like the 220s.

02:56:42.000 It was too hot.

02:56:43.000 I was cooking.

02:56:44.000 I'd come out and my throat would hurt. 1.00

02:56:46.000 I'm like, that's stupid. 1.00

02:56:47.000 Laird Hamilton's a freak of nature. 1.00

02:56:48.000 I don't know what the fuck's flowing through that guy's veins. 1.00

02:56:51.000 He's got some fucking mercury flowing through his veins. 1.00

02:56:55.000 But then I got to about 180. 180 is like tolerable, but it's a struggle. 0.99

02:57:00.000 Like if you do 180 for a half an hour, ooh, those last five minutes are rough. 0.99

02:57:04.000 You want to get the fuck out of there. 0.96

02:57:06.000 It's a little dance with your mind. 1.00

02:57:08.000 You're telling your body who the fuck is in charge here. 1.00

02:57:11.000 Sit down and just deal with it. 1.00

02:57:13.000 Just breathe in.

02:57:14.000 You have five minutes.

02:57:15.000 How are you going to get through this?

02:57:16.000 You're going to get through it through breathing?

02:57:17.000 You want to listen to a book? 0.99

02:57:18.000 Just sit the fuck down and deal with it. 0.99

02:57:21.000 It's good. 0.99

02:57:22.000 I like it.

02:57:23.000 That guy? 0.88

02:57:23.000 He's a freak. 0.88

02:57:24.000 Laird Hamilton wears oven mitts and he cranks that shit up to 250 degrees and rides an airdyne bike. 1.00

02:57:31.000 Jesus. 1.00

02:57:33.000 My smell.

02:57:35.000 Bro, he smells awesome.

02:57:36.000 Smells like success. 1.00

02:57:38.000 Smells like a fucking man! 1.00

02:57:41.000 Yeah, he's a freak. 1.00

02:57:44.000 Crazy surfer, man. 0.99

02:57:45.000 Like, some of the surfing shit, you watch him, and he's just dedicated to, like, continuing that lifestyle, keeping his body fit, like, deep into his 50s. 0.99

02:57:53.000 I think he's, like, 55. Dude's a savage. 0.99

02:57:56.000 Going hard. 1.00

02:57:58.000 Out there in this 250 degree sauna with a fucking Airdyne bike inside of it. 0.99

02:58:02.000 Very unusual dude, man. 0.99

02:58:04.000 I mean, you gotta be someone really special to...

02:58:07.000 Your number one thing that you love to do is ride 100 foot waves.

02:58:12.000 What? 0.99

02:58:14.000 Number one thing you want to do is balance on the fucking tip of the ferocious nature of the ocean. 0.99

02:58:21.000 You're balancing on the waves themselves. 0.98

02:58:23.000 You're inside the mouth of the most ferocious aspect of the ocean, the biggest waves, before they break on the shore.

02:58:31.000 And guys like him are like, look at this, man. 0.96

02:58:35.000 You have to be a crazy person to want to do that. 0.99

02:58:39.000 Look at that. 0.99

02:58:39.000 That's amazing. 0.99

02:58:41.000 I just want to get back on fucking stage. 0.99

02:58:44.000 I know. 0.99

02:58:46.000 I don't want to do a line of coke.

02:58:48.000 Put those headphones on so you can hear yourself. 0.99

02:58:50.000 I don't want to fucking do a show in a parking lot and then not do comedy for another four months. 0.99

02:58:58.000 That's like showing up with a line of coke and leaving me alone. 1.00

02:59:01.000 Fuck you. 1.00

02:59:02.000 I'm ready to start from scratch. 1.00

02:59:05.000 I'm excited to do some Bob Gonzo shows. 0.99

02:59:08.000 And just do some creepy shit again. 0.98

02:59:13.000 And then work myself up to 30. Get the endurance. 1.00

02:59:18.000 It'll take a little while.

02:59:20.000 I'm not gonna lie to you. 0.98

02:59:21.000 We're all gonna be a little fucking rusty. 0.90

02:59:22.000 Do you have any recordings? 0.96

02:59:25.000 Old ones.

02:59:27.000 You should record your shows on your phone from now on.

02:59:30.000 It's not hard.

02:59:31.000 It's really easy.

02:59:31.000 That way you can always go back and you always know your material.

02:59:35.000 It helps.

02:59:36.000 What I was thinking five months ago and what I'm thinking now is completely different.

02:59:42.000 Oh yeah, for sure.

02:59:43.000 But what I'm saying is you'll have bits.

02:59:45.000 You'll have your bits.

02:59:46.000 You'll have whatever you're thinking now too.

02:59:48.000 I don't ever want to say those bits again.

02:59:51.000 They're done.

02:59:52.000 Whatever I was saying in February is history.

02:59:54.000 But you didn't record it.

02:59:54.000 You gotta record it.

02:59:55.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.99

02:59:56.000 I do. 0.99

02:59:56.000 It's what I feel from now in. 0.99

02:59:58.000 You gotta save it.

02:59:59.000 We gotta talk about what's going on now.

03:00:02.000 What happened the last five months?

03:00:04.000 The breakdowns.

03:00:05.000 What happened?

03:00:06.000 Something had to happen to you the last five months.

03:00:08.000 You're gonna come back with some old bit.

03:00:10.000 I'm gonna come back with Gay Bob as my neighbor. 1.00

03:00:14.000 What kind of comic would I be?

03:00:15.000 That's what the problem with comedy is.

03:00:17.000 I can't wait to watch a guy like you.

03:00:20.000 You know who's going to light that stage on fire first?

03:00:22.000 Who?

03:00:23.000 Bill Burr.

03:00:24.000 Bill Burr's at home with a new kid, four months.

03:00:28.000 You're never going to see anything like that the first time.

03:00:31.000 Oh, I can't wait to hear him talking about babies. 1.00

03:00:33.000 You're not going to fucking... 0.99

03:00:35.000 Nobody's going to build Bill Burr out right now. 0.99

03:00:40.000 He's at home with two kids, first time.

03:00:43.000 You know, hasn't done dick, whatever, great guy, playing the drums in his basement.

03:00:50.000 He's going to come at this with a complete different outlook. 0.98

03:00:53.000 He's going to attack somebody.

03:00:55.000 You know somebody's going to go down hard.

03:00:57.000 Yeah.

03:00:58.000 You know, there's guys that you know.

03:00:59.000 Probably a lot of people are going down hard.

03:01:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:01:01.000 We're going to go out there like fucking gangbusters. 0.99

03:01:05.000 When do you think it's going to happen? 0.99

03:01:07.000 April.

03:01:08.000 That's what I would say.

03:01:10.000 April.

03:01:11.000 So they come up with some kind of a vaccine?

03:01:14.000 Right now they're saying January, but they're saying January and they're winking at you.

03:01:19.000 Yeah, by the time everyone gets around getting it and everything, I'd say April also.

03:01:25.000 Do you guys think they should let people work?

03:01:28.000 Depends what type of job they're doing, if they social distance.

03:01:32.000 You know what? 1.00

03:01:33.000 I'm a fat fuck. 1.00

03:01:35.000 I don't go there. 1.00

03:01:40.000 The burger joint.

03:01:42.000 In-N-Out.

03:01:43.000 In-N-Out.

03:01:44.000 They ain't social distancing in that.

03:01:45.000 I just ate there the other day.

03:01:47.000 They ain't social distancing in those four feet. 0.67

03:01:50.000 Do they make people wear masks inside there?

03:01:52.000 Masks and gloves and they really try their best.

03:01:55.000 But there's jobs that you just cannot...

03:01:57.000 I went to get my hair cut done for that week that it was open.

03:02:02.000 It was the...

03:02:03.000 I felt the safest I've ever been.

03:02:05.000 She put a mask on and a shield. 0.99

03:02:07.000 They're fucking the hair people right now. 0.99

03:02:09.000 Isn't it true that California is the only state... 0.99

03:02:12.000 Is that true?

03:02:13.000 California's the only state that doesn't let hairdressers open? 0.97

03:02:15.000 I saw that map, but I don't know.

03:02:16.000 Yeah, is that true though?

03:02:17.000 I retweeted that map.

03:02:19.000 I didn't even check.

03:02:19.000 And they said that you can only do it outside.

03:02:21.000 You can't have a sink outside. 0.99

03:02:22.000 You can't cut hair and windy outside shit. 1.00

03:02:24.000 It's just the dumbest idea. 1.00

03:02:26.000 It's so fucked up. 1.00

03:02:26.000 And then what happens when it gets dark? 1.00

03:02:27.000 You gotta stop?

03:02:29.000 Otherwise you can stay open until 8, 9 at night.

03:02:31.000 And if they try to do it at their house?

03:02:33.000 They can't do it at their house.

03:02:34.000 Yes, you can through a shield.

03:02:37.000 So you have to have your hand through a shield.

03:02:39.000 We're good to go.

03:02:44.000 We're good to go.

03:03:04.000 They threw them in jail.

03:03:05.000 They're hitting them with some crazy fines, like $15,000 a day.

03:03:09.000 They're going to lose their license.

03:03:10.000 It says you can get a haircut outside as of July 20th, 29th.

03:03:15.000 Yeah, but no one's doing that.

03:03:17.000 Right, but what...

03:03:20.000 And my friends that do hair out here, they said that they can't even, like, have you come to their house, because if they find out, the Hair Association, they'll pull their license.

03:03:28.000 The question, though, was, is California the only state that bans...

03:03:36.000 Seems like it is.

03:03:39.000 But then again, right? 1.00

03:03:40.000 If you're someone who's fucking... 0.99

03:03:42.000 You can make $600 from the government or you can take a risk of getting some disease that might kill you to clean someone's nails. 0.99

03:03:50.000 Yeah, but the problem is, from what I'm hearing, is a lot of people are not getting any checks.

03:03:54.000 Like, they got one big one, and then they haven't heard anything for months, you can't call anybody, you can't get anything, so it's like, I have to pay rent, so what am I going to do?

03:04:04.000 Exactly.

03:04:04.000 Dude, I feel you 100%.

03:04:07.000 I don't have, like, when I look at this, I don't have a clear way out of this. 1.00

03:04:30.000 I'm too stupid. 0.99

03:04:34.000 I like to think that's the reason. 1.00

03:04:37.000 It seems like that makes sense.

03:04:40.000 My worry is that they like telling people what to do.

03:04:43.000 That's my worry.

03:04:44.000 People like telling people what to do.

03:04:45.000 They love it.

03:04:46.000 Stay inside.

03:04:47.000 Do this.

03:04:48.000 Do that.

03:04:49.000 Wear a red flag.

03:04:50.000 Wear a blue t-shirt.

03:04:52.000 People love getting people to comply with everything.

03:04:55.000 And if all of a sudden they have this power to keep you from working...

03:05:00.000 Well, I didn't have to.

03:05:01.000 Okay.

03:05:01.000 I got lucky.

03:05:02.000 Neither did I. But a lot of people did.

03:05:03.000 Did I go to parties?

03:05:04.000 No.

03:05:05.000 No.

03:05:05.000 Did I go to the park?

03:05:06.000 No.

03:05:06.000 Do I need to go to a bar?

03:05:08.000 Not really.

03:05:09.000 Do I need to go to a restaurant? 0.99

03:05:11.000 I don't even like fucking sitting next to people before COVID. Okay? 0.99

03:05:15.000 So you won't see me in a restaurant until fucking San San Gennaro. 0.98

03:05:19.000 You understand me? 1.00

03:05:20.000 There's things that are, you know, if you're going to stand out here with 40 people for a piece of chicken, You should be shot and hung and then shot again. 0.99

03:05:27.000 There's just certain things. 0.90

03:05:28.000 You know, I was very, very, very, very, very, and you know this, upset about the stand-up.

03:05:38.000 I pleaded with you not to go to Houston.

03:05:40.000 I called Brendan as a man.

03:05:42.000 I understand the need to need money, but I don't understand the need. 0.99

03:05:47.000 There's only one Dave Chappelle, so everybody should stay home and mind their fucking business. 0.99

03:05:53.000 Nobody needs to go on the fucking road because by a hitters like you going on the road, We have a little power now. 0.99

03:06:00.000 We all stay home. 0.99

03:06:02.000 There's COVID. It's time for you to close.

03:06:04.000 People are fucking dying. 0.99

03:06:06.000 Where were the rates the highest? 1.00

03:06:08.000 Arizona, Texas, Florida.

03:06:11.000 What three comedy clubs are open?

03:06:13.000 Arizona, Texas, Florida.

03:06:16.000 Listen, I ain't pointing fingers. 0.99

03:06:17.000 I'm just giving you a fucking fact, okay? 0.98

03:06:20.000 You never pleaded with me to not go to Houston. 0.99

03:06:22.000 There was no pleading.

03:06:23.000 No, I told you that Thursday. 1.00

03:06:25.000 I said, mind your fucking business and stay the fuck home. 1.00

03:06:28.000 This is where you said, Joe Rogan, why are you going to Texas? 1.00

03:06:30.000 Why are you going to Texas?

03:06:31.000 When I go comedy, it's only 50% capacity.

03:06:34.000 No comedy.

03:06:35.000 You wear a mask, you come in, you sneak in, you can't sanitize her.

03:06:37.000 And then how'd you call me on Monday?

03:06:39.000 I'm nervous.

03:06:40.000 I'm not going back on the road no more.

03:06:42.000 I didn't say it like that.

03:06:43.000 Yes, you did.

03:06:44.000 I canceled the rest of my tour.

03:06:47.000 This is terrible.

03:06:48.000 I just got a blood test.

03:06:49.000 I got my knees checked.

03:06:51.000 You know? 0.99

03:06:53.000 Once Brendan and fucking the other guy got it, that set you off a little bit. 0.99

03:06:58.000 Oh, it did. 0.99

03:06:59.000 And you have children, and you have a wife, and you have responsibilities. 0.89

03:07:02.000 Well, here's the big thing.

03:07:03.000 And you have to ask yourself.

03:07:06.000 Guests.

03:07:06.000 If I got you sick, or you sick, or you got Jamie sick, or anybody working here, that would be...

03:07:12.000 Oh, please.

03:07:14.000 I thought you could do it.

03:07:15.000 I'm like, if the health department says you can do it, and they social distance, and you wear a mask, and you could do it.

03:07:21.000 But then I got there, I'm like, you probably can.

03:07:24.000 You probably can like 4 out of 5 times, or 8 out of 10 times, or 12 out of 15 times.

03:07:31.000 But it's going to get you.

03:07:33.000 It's going to get you.

03:07:34.000 If you're in these large groups of people and everybody's laughing, like, what is better at spraying a disease than streaming?

03:07:40.000 And you know what, man?

03:07:42.000 You know what, Joe Rogan?

03:07:44.000 Part of this game is taking a picture of people and answering a question, you know?

03:07:49.000 It took away that alienation of it.

03:07:52.000 So I'm done there.

03:07:53.000 I'm done there.

03:07:55.000 I don't want six people in the green room.

03:07:57.000 I don't need the waitress coming in. 1.00

03:07:59.000 I don't need the guy coming in.

03:08:01.000 How much time do you want to do?

03:08:02.000 The music guy.

03:08:03.000 I don't need any of that.

03:08:04.000 They're finding out now.

03:08:05.000 We're doing all this stuff.

03:08:07.000 We're doing all this stuff by the book, or I won't do it.

03:08:10.000 I'll do it at certain places.

03:08:13.000 But even by the book needs to be examined, like what by the book is. 0.99

03:08:16.000 By the book is, I'm going to sit in my fucking car three feet from the fucking door. 1.00

03:08:21.000 When I'm three minutes to go up, you knock on the fucking door. 1.00

03:08:24.000 I go in, I do the comedy, and I go back in my fucking car in between shows and I take a ride. 1.00

03:08:30.000 Then I come back at 1040. When everybody's seated, then you do it again. 0.99

03:08:35.000 You can't go in the fucking green room in the morning. 0.99

03:08:38.000 Because anything after three or four people, we got it. 1.00

03:08:41.000 It's like going to a fucking orgy. 1.00

03:08:43.000 You got it. 1.00

03:08:44.000 So now you're going to go out there. 0.95

03:08:46.000 I don't know about you, but when I fucking, you know, when I was a kid, people tell me, Joey, give me the news, not the weather. 0.97

03:08:53.000 I spit when I talk. 0.97

03:08:54.000 So I don't want nobody 10 feet. 0.99

03:08:57.000 It's really 30 feet if you really think about the distance.

03:09:01.000 30.3.

03:09:02.000 30 feet.

03:09:03.000 Is that real? 0.99

03:09:04.000 Something fucking crazy. 1.00

03:09:06.000 Look at my fucking lungs. 1.00

03:09:08.000 Look at my stomach. 1.00

03:09:09.000 When I get excited and I'm fucking yelling, I'm doing a fucking bit. 0.99

03:09:13.000 There's pieces of meat coming out of me. 0.99

03:09:15.000 The other day that dentist drilled my teeth.

03:09:17.000 Do you know what I smelled?

03:09:18.000 What?

03:09:19.000 You know what I smell in my teeth? 1.00

03:09:21.000 Hair, pubic fucking hairs. 1.00

03:09:23.000 What? 1.00

03:09:24.000 Fucking the stink in my teeth when they drill. 1.00

03:09:27.000 When they drill your mouth and you smell your teeth burning and whatever's stuck in between there. 1.00

03:09:32.000 You know, I mean, it's a fucking nightmare. 0.97

03:09:35.000 So I don't even know what we're talking about. 0.99

03:09:36.000 I'm so high.

03:09:37.000 This weed is strong.

03:09:38.000 Shout out to Joe.

03:09:39.000 I'm talking about that.

03:09:42.000 That's my concern about stand-up comedy.

03:09:46.000 We're all going to get COVID eventually.

03:09:48.000 You're going to get it.

03:09:48.000 We're all going to be strong enough.

03:09:50.000 We're going to survive.

03:09:51.000 That's okay.

03:09:53.000 My thing is the social uncertainty. 1.00

03:09:56.000 The one show where somebody gets up and says, fuck you. 1.00

03:10:01.000 And somebody throws a bottle and we have a problem. 1.00

03:10:04.000 You know what?

03:10:05.000 We have too much of that going on right now.

03:10:08.000 So for that, I will not go on stage until everybody's settled.

03:10:13.000 Everybody is happy.

03:10:14.000 The vibe is better.

03:10:16.000 Go on.

03:10:17.000 Your salvation right now in isolation is the internet.

03:10:22.000 And you go on the internet and you get off feeling even worse than what you felt like when you went on it.

03:10:30.000 It's true.

03:10:31.000 You avoid the TV. If you have any intelligence level right now, you have to avoid the TV. And if you throw Don Lemon on or the other fucking cocksucker, it's even fucking worse. 1.00

03:10:42.000 Don Lemon, I'll sidekick him in the lung if I see that cocksucker. 1.00

03:10:46.000 He pisses me off. 1.00

03:10:47.000 And Chris Cuomo crying. 1.00

03:10:48.000 What the fuck is wrong with you, cocksucker? 1.00

03:10:50.000 I used to like him. 1.00

03:10:52.000 Then he started crying and shit like this. 0.99

03:10:54.000 They got him. 0.99

03:10:54.000 And I had to stop watching all that nonsense. 0.99

03:10:57.000 ABC News is not the most watched news. 1.00

03:11:00.000 It's a fucking business. 1.00

03:11:01.000 It's a business. 1.00

03:11:01.000 And they're there to petrify you. 1.00

03:11:03.000 So I turned all that shit off, everything. 0.98

03:11:06.000 I'm canceling Facebook, pretty much. 0.81

03:11:09.000 This is why I started the Patreon.

03:11:10.000 What you just said is very important.

03:11:11.000 What you just said is very important.

03:11:12.000 You said the news is a business.

03:11:14.000 It's a business.

03:11:15.000 Sorry, guy.

03:11:17.000 It's all over.

03:11:18.000 I'm done.

03:11:21.000 I'm done.

03:11:22.000 If it was up to me, Joe Rogan, I would have moved to Montana, you know.

03:11:26.000 Why didn't you move to Montana?

03:11:28.000 That's the next move.

03:11:29.000 Hold on.

03:11:29.000 I don't know nobody.

03:11:30.000 Let's just get out of California, detox a little bit, and let's talk.

03:11:34.000 Let's talk.

03:11:35.000 Let's talk.

03:11:36.000 Okay.

03:11:36.000 Let's get a ranch.

03:11:37.000 I say open up a club in Billings.

03:11:39.000 I'm in.

03:11:40.000 That's a theater slash tremendous comedy.

03:11:46.000 Okay.

03:11:47.000 Let's call it, just for so everybody knows where we're coming from.

03:11:54.000 A mini cult.

03:11:55.000 A mini cult.

03:11:56.000 A comedy mini cult.

03:11:58.000 A 60 man comedy guys who believe in comedy.

03:12:01.000 That can be done.

03:12:02.000 Bring your wives, bring your kids. 1.00

03:12:04.000 Montana.

03:12:05.000 Montana.

03:12:05.000 Everybody goes to regular schools.

03:12:07.000 Right.

03:12:07.000 But we all abide certain comedy rules.

03:12:10.000 It's a movie.

03:12:10.000 No thieves.

03:12:12.000 Right.

03:12:12.000 No people fucking up comedy.

03:12:15.000 I want Emilio Estevez to play me. 0.74

03:12:18.000 Really?

03:12:19.000 How crazy is that?

03:12:20.000 Emilio Vestibes was going to play him, and when the movie came up, he was too old for the movie, and he used his brother, Charlie.

03:12:28.000 Charlie Sheen. 0.98

03:12:28.000 Fucking tremendous. 0.98

03:12:29.000 That's a tremendous podcast. 1.00

03:12:31.000 God damn, what a good fucking movie that was. 1.00

03:12:33.000 Great just to talk to him. 1.00

03:12:35.000 There he is. 1.00

03:12:36.000 Handsome bastard. 1.00

03:12:38.000 Emilio Vestibes. 1.00

03:12:40.000 Yeah.

03:12:42.000 He's playing with your fingers.

03:12:44.000 I'm going to have to end this podcast.

03:12:46.000 Right.

03:12:48.000 Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

03:12:52.000 Well, I hope you're wrong about April, but whenever it is, we'll be more appreciative, I think.

03:12:58.000 Can an alligator survive without eating?

03:13:01.000 Yeah, for a long time.

03:13:02.000 I heard it could never die from starvation.

03:13:05.000 Is that real?

03:13:06.000 I don't know.

03:13:06.000 I know they know that, for sure, crocodiles have gone without eating for a whole year.

03:13:11.000 What's with the crocodile question?

03:13:13.000 Somebody told me that, and I can't stop thinking about it.

03:13:15.000 It's a solid question.

03:13:16.000 Because what if they don't starve to death, they just shrink?

03:13:18.000 Right.

03:13:19.000 And I also heard lobsters, but I heard that was fake.

03:13:21.000 That lobsters don't starve to death?

03:13:23.000 Lobsters don't have to eat.

03:13:24.000 Oh.

03:13:25.000 Dude.

03:13:27.000 Yeah, that makes sense.

03:13:28.000 Until you shrink, if you don't have enough food, you get down to nothing.

03:13:31.000 Right.

03:13:32.000 And then you're down to one cell.

03:13:34.000 Wow, that's interesting.

03:13:35.000 Bro.

03:13:36.000 They just shrink with cells.

03:13:37.000 Here it is.

03:13:38.000 They only can be killed by starvation or accidents, it says.

03:13:41.000 Crocodiles have no recognized finite lifespan.

03:13:45.000 Instead, they just get bigger and bigger until they're inevitably killed out by starvation, accidents, or disease.

03:13:52.000 This is the reason we don't see crocodiles the size of Boeing 747s in the wild.

03:13:57.000 So if there was an unlimited amount of food and no disease, we vaccinated crocodiles and gave them an unlimited amount of food.

03:14:07.000 Then there'd be dinosaurs.

03:14:08.000 They're basically dinosaurs.

03:14:10.000 Didn't we figure that out the other day that crocodiles are as old as some dinosaurs?

03:14:15.000 Like dinosaurs were like 65 million years ago, but crocodiles go back for like a hundred million years.

03:14:20.000 Wasn't that what it was?

03:14:21.000 So they're pre- they're dinosaurs.

03:14:24.000 Yeah.

03:14:24.000 They're just still around.

03:14:25.000 They're just hungry dinosaurs.

03:14:26.000 Have you seen an alligator in real life?

03:14:28.000 Yeah.

03:14:29.000 It's so confusing.

03:14:30.000 It's like why is it right there?

03:14:32.000 And why is everybody not freaking out?

03:14:35.000 80 million years.

03:14:36.000 So there you go.

03:14:37.000 So that's 15 million years older than when the asteroid hit and killed everything. 1.00

03:14:42.000 So they're fucking dinosaurs. 0.99

03:14:46.000 Dude, I remember seeing one for the first time. 1.00

03:14:47.000 It's at Lake Alice.

03:14:49.000 It's in Gainesville, Florida.

03:14:51.000 My dad was going to school in Gainesville, and we were down there.

03:14:54.000 And I went to this lake.

03:14:55.000 You throw marshmallows in the water, and the alligators come and get it. 0.99

03:14:58.000 I was like, this is the strangest shit in the world. 0.98

03:15:00.000 There's a 10-foot lizard just ate a marshmallow in front of me, and I'm not even worried about it. 0.99

03:15:04.000 Like, when in the world is a fucking giant dinosaur, like, feet in front of you, and you're not freaking out? 0.99

03:15:12.000 Crocodiles were too mean. 0.99

03:15:14.000 They became too dangerous, and no one wanted them around.

03:15:17.000 But alligators look like crocodiles, but they're just chill enough that people don't freak out too much if they're around.

03:15:24.000 That was their trick.

03:15:25.000 That's how they stayed alive.

03:15:26.000 They just moved slower.

03:15:28.000 Moved slower and didn't attack as much. 1.00

03:15:30.000 But they're fucking everywhere, man. 0.99

03:15:32.000 If you live in Florida, you get alligators in your yard all the time. 0.99

03:15:36.000 Like, people want to live in Florida.

03:15:37.000 Like, okay.

03:15:38.000 There's alligators out there.

03:15:40.000 Oh my god.

03:15:40.000 Florida video of the day.

03:15:41.000 A baby alligator and a bobcat duking it out.

03:15:44.000 Oh my god.

03:15:46.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

03:15:48.000 Look at that cat.

03:15:49.000 It gets it.

03:15:50.000 It gets it?

03:15:51.000 Yeah.

03:15:51.000 Oh, for sure it gets it.

03:15:53.000 The big cats and, like, caimans down in, uh, oh my god, bites them right in the head.

03:15:59.000 Yeah.

03:15:59.000 But big cats, like, uh, caimans that live down in the Everglades, or not the Everglades, the, um, Amazon, they eat, those leopards eat, uh, or jaguars, they eat crocodiles down there all the time.

03:16:12.000 There's a whole bunch of videos of them.

03:16:13.000 They jump in the water behind crocodiles and bite them in the head.

03:16:18.000 Cats are the scariest.

03:16:21.000 But a crocodile and an alligator, that's a real live dinosaur.

03:16:24.000 Just chilling.

03:16:25.000 At your golf course.

03:16:27.000 Congratulations.

03:16:28.000 It's like Godzilla versus Mortla.

03:16:32.000 So what are you going to do for your birthday, dog?

03:16:34.000 Today's my birthday.

03:16:35.000 So what are you going to do?

03:16:35.000 This is my celebration.

03:16:36.000 This is it?

03:16:37.000 What are you doing with the wife? 0.85

03:16:38.000 You going out?

03:16:39.000 You jumping up and down?

03:16:40.000 We'll do something.

03:16:41.000 Yeah, probably like that.

03:16:43.000 Maybe IHOP. IHOP. Go shit blood for three fucking days.

03:16:47.000 Have you had an IHOP burger? 1.00

03:16:48.000 Yeah.

03:16:48.000 Are they legit?

03:16:49.000 No.

03:16:49.000 They're frozen.

03:16:50.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

03:16:52.000 They're bad. 1.00

03:16:52.000 I hopped fucking pancakes. 1.00

03:16:54.000 I went to that pancake place in Burbank with a mistake. 1.00

03:16:57.000 Which one?

03:16:58.000 Patty's? 1.00

03:16:58.000 The shitty one. 1.00

03:16:59.000 International House of Pancakes. 0.99

03:17:01.000 Oh, yeah, that's bad. 0.99

03:17:02.000 Oh my god, that is fucking horrific. 1.00

03:17:03.000 That place is bad. 0.99

03:17:05.000 Last time I had a good pancake was a place in Boulder.

03:17:08.000 You gotta go get some real pancakes.

03:17:10.000 The ones that are not uniform.

03:17:11.000 I don't like pancakes.

03:17:12.000 I'm not a big syrup guy.

03:17:14.000 I used to be allergic to syrup.

03:17:16.000 I love pancakes for the five minutes I'm eating them. 0.98

03:17:18.000 And then afterwards I feel like shit for days. 0.98

03:17:21.000 I think McGriddle's enough. 0.99

03:17:23.000 That's enough of a pancake I want.

03:17:25.000 I love McGriddle.

03:17:27.000 You turned me on to those.

03:17:28.000 I remember when they first came out, you and Tate Fletcher.

03:17:31.000 They're so delicious.

03:17:33.000 You can't help yourself.

03:17:34.000 You don't even care what it's made with. 1.00

03:17:36.000 You still eat the fish sandwiches, you nasty fuck. 1.00

03:17:38.000 I still do. 1.00

03:17:39.000 I'll eat filet of fishes. 0.98

03:17:39.000 Every time I go to McDonald's with my daughter, I'm like, that cocksucker eats filet of fish sandwiches. 0.98

03:17:45.000 I eat two or three of those. 0.98

03:17:45.000 I eat two or three of those filet of fish. 0.98

03:17:46.000 You know your asshole smells like afterwards? 1.00

03:17:48.000 Not fucking good. 1.00

03:17:49.000 Well, don't look at it. 0.99

03:17:52.000 But you can't tell me that a McGriddle doesn't taste delicious.

03:17:57.000 Terrible.

03:17:57.000 It's the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life.

03:17:59.000 Have you had one?

03:18:00.000 When they first came out.

03:18:02.000 It's a delicious combination with the mystery meat and the cheese.

03:18:06.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

03:18:07.000 And that fake syrupy, spongy bread bun.

03:18:12.000 It's good. 0.99

03:18:13.000 I could do a fucking Egg McMuffin if I have to. 0.99

03:18:16.000 I like Egg McMuffins. 1.00

03:18:16.000 Wendy's Baconator. 1.00

03:18:18.000 I like Egg McMuffins, but if I'm really tired, I'm like, fuck it, I get a McRiddle. 0.99

03:18:23.000 I'm like, I don't care. 0.99

03:18:24.000 That's a pork? 0.99

03:18:25.000 Give it to me.

03:18:26.000 McRiddle?

03:18:27.000 Yeah.

03:18:27.000 You can get sausage or bacon, right?

03:18:29.000 You get a bacon McRiddle.

03:18:30.000 Oh, McRiddle.

03:18:30.000 McRiddle.

03:18:31.000 Yeah, both of them.

03:18:31.000 No, they had that one sandwich that was the rib.

03:18:34.000 McRib.

03:18:34.000 And they paint, they spray paint the bone in.

03:18:37.000 Yeah.

03:18:37.000 Is that real?

03:18:38.000 Oh, yes.

03:18:39.000 They don't spray paint it. 0.99

03:18:40.000 Whatever the fuck, they do something. 0.98

03:18:42.000 They have a machine that makes it. 0.99

03:18:43.000 They do something to it.

03:18:44.000 That's what I understand about the McRib.

03:18:45.000 Why do they ever take it off the menu if people like it so much?

03:18:49.000 Because of the...

03:18:49.000 Limited time only, because they got to...

03:18:51.000 The meat, it's...

03:18:52.000 Yeah, it comes from Indonesia.

03:18:54.000 It's only...

03:18:54.000 It's like in season.

03:18:56.000 It comes via Wuhan with a fucking bat on it. 1.00

03:18:59.000 Okay. 1.00

03:19:00.000 I was hoping it was like a...

03:19:01.000 They can only buy a large amount of meat.

03:19:06.000 They can't buy it all that frequent.

03:19:08.000 It's permanent on the menu in Germany.

03:19:10.000 Oh, sure.

03:19:11.000 So head over there.

03:19:13.000 They don't like manipulation over there.

03:19:16.000 Viasing down the menu all year?

03:19:19.000 What are you doing?

03:19:20.000 You're manipulating people's desires?

03:19:27.000 I don't think so.

03:19:28.000 They don't even allow Scientology in Germany.

03:19:30.000 Good!

03:19:31.000 They won't allow them.

03:19:32.000 They're like, excuse me?

03:19:33.000 What are you saying?

03:19:34.000 You're saying that the guy who writes the science fiction books comes up with the best religion and you don't want to pay taxes?

03:19:42.000 That might be the worst German accent of all time. 1.00

03:19:44.000 There's conspiracies about why it's not on the menu all the time.

03:19:47.000 It's a deep debated topic online for about 10 years. 0.99

03:19:51.000 Probably because it fucking kills you. 1.00

03:19:52.000 It probably kills you. 1.00

03:19:53.000 They probably know that if they give it to people 40 days in a row, they just start dropping dead.

03:19:57.000 So they were like, listen, just give them 20 days of McRib.

03:20:02.000 Problem solved.

03:20:03.000 If they buy 20 days of McRibs, then they die 36 days.

03:20:09.000 There's no way they can connect us.

03:20:11.000 Once a month I get zapped into going to get a happy meal.

03:20:14.000 Happy meal?

03:20:15.000 Because of the toilets. 0.98

03:20:16.000 My daughter.

03:20:16.000 Oh.

03:20:17.000 The fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

03:20:18.000 What is wrong with you? 1.00

03:20:20.000 What is wrong with you?

03:20:21.000 I gotta go in there.

03:20:22.000 Not since the epidemic.

03:20:24.000 Now we drive.

03:20:25.000 And they always give her the wrong toy anyway. 0.99

03:20:28.000 What's the right toy? 1.00

03:20:29.000 The one that they advertise you fuck. 1.00

03:20:31.000 Not the one, whatever. 1.00

03:20:33.000 I go there trying to get the fucking one. 0.99

03:20:36.000 I don't know what the toys are. 1.00

03:20:37.000 And they give the other one.

03:20:38.000 I didn't know.

03:20:38.000 And then I got 88 beaten.

03:20:39.000 Oh, well.

03:20:40.000 I didn't know there was a choice.

03:20:40.000 So two weeks ago, I had to go in there with the mask on and go, can I talk to somebody?

03:20:45.000 Listen, I got a daughter. 0.99

03:20:47.000 The last two times you come in here, you advertised emoji, but you gave them the fucking frog. 0.97

03:20:51.000 Why isn't this on TikTok? 1.00

03:20:53.000 What the fuck? 0.98

03:20:54.000 It is now. 0.99

03:20:55.000 And the manager said, let me help you out.

03:20:57.000 And she gave me the toy I wanted.

03:20:59.000 And my daughter was happy.

03:21:01.000 But the last two times, I even tell them, she's a girl.

03:21:05.000 Sometimes they ask you, is she a boy or is she a girl? 0.99

03:21:07.000 She came here for a certain fucking thing and you gave her something else. 1.00

03:21:11.000 That's misrepresentation. 0.99

03:21:14.000 Misrepresentation.

03:21:15.000 So I had to go in there and get fired up.

03:21:18.000 I didn't know they had different ones.

03:21:20.000 Yeah, they tell you, listen, don't ask me.

03:21:23.000 Didn't they try to outlaw, though, some places?

03:21:25.000 They tried to outlaw giving toys into Happy Meals, because they're like, no, no, no, kids like them too much, and it's forcing kids to eat bad, because they want that toy.

03:21:34.000 I give her the apple slices, three of those fries.

03:21:37.000 Listen, I grew up in a house where I wasn't allowed to eat fast food, only in Miami.

03:21:42.000 My cousins ate it, so my mom didn't allow it.

03:21:45.000 The only thing I was allowed to eat was, don't cook tonight, call Chicken Delight.

03:21:49.000 I used to order that.

03:21:50.000 She would say, you're not going to eat my rice and beans?

03:21:52.000 Not really.

03:21:53.000 And all of a sudden they'd be... 0.99

03:21:54.000 She'd go, I wonder who the fuck that is. 1.00

03:21:57.000 It's for me. 0.99

03:21:59.000 Don't cook tonight.

03:21:59.000 Call Chicken Delight.

03:22:00.000 Five dollars, three pieces of chicken, some ruffle fries, a little piece of jelly.

03:22:06.000 In those days, I really wanted to be American, so I dipped my french fries in the jelly.

03:22:11.000 That's what my gross days, when I first came from Cuba, don't cook tonight. 0.99

03:22:15.000 Call Chicken Delight.

03:22:17.000 Joey, what is that Cuban place that you took me to, the one that used to be near my house in Encino?

03:22:23.000 The one that's on Ventura?

03:22:24.000 Yeah, they're still there.

03:22:25.000 What's that place called?

03:22:26.000 I forget.

03:22:27.000 There are three of them. 0.99

03:22:28.000 God damn it. 1.00

03:22:29.000 I don't go there. 1.00

03:22:29.000 I go to El Cochinito. 1.00

03:22:30.000 But we ate there once and I had that garlic chicken with the raw onions.

03:22:35.000 Tremendous.

03:22:36.000 Tremendous.

03:22:37.000 That's our staple.

03:22:37.000 What is the name of that?

03:22:39.000 Versailles?

03:22:39.000 Versailles.

03:22:40.000 Yes, I knew it!

03:22:42.000 Just as you were pulling it up, I feel like I saw it first.

03:22:47.000 I'll go there.

03:22:49.000 I'd love that place.

03:22:50.000 Does it show an image of that chicken with raw onions?

03:22:54.000 It's a garlic chicken with raw onions.

03:22:57.000 That's the pork.

03:22:58.000 And he was there with John Jock yesterday. 0.99

03:23:00.000 Goddamn, it's good. 0.98

03:23:00.000 That's it right there. 0.98

03:23:01.000 That's it right there with the plantains.

03:23:03.000 Woo! 0.99

03:23:04.000 There's something about Latin food, right?

03:23:07.000 Like, there's almost like a...

03:23:08.000 There's a pop to it. 0.99

03:23:10.000 Like, there's the spices and shit for Cuban food. 0.98

03:23:15.000 Cuban food, like, really, like, spicy Spanish food. 0.98

03:23:20.000 There's something about the pop of those ingredients, you know? 0.97

03:23:24.000 With that fucking garlic chicken with the raw onions and that sauce, that's like a lemon sauce that they had, Joey? 0.98

03:23:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:23:32.000 Wasn't it like a lemony, garlicky sauce?

03:23:35.000 Garlic, lemon. 0.96

03:23:36.000 Goddamn, that was good. 0.99

03:23:38.000 Kick in the doorway, then the 4-4. 1.00

03:23:41.000 All you heard was, Papa, don't hit me no more. 0.84

03:23:44.000 What's up, dawg?

03:23:45.000 You hate touching my hand a lot.

03:23:46.000 Because I love you.

03:23:47.000 I miss you. 0.99

03:23:48.000 I haven't seen you in three fucking months. 0.98

03:23:50.000 Listen, if we all move to a different place, maybe we'll love each other more and we'll get together in a specific spot. 0.98

03:23:55.000 I'm moving to Texas, too, man. 0.98

03:23:56.000 I'm getting the fuck out of Los Angeles. 0.95

03:23:58.000 How long do you move? 0.99

03:23:59.000 I might wait a while, you know, everyone will get their feet on.

03:24:02.000 People are really worried about taxes, Joey.

03:24:05.000 I know they are.

03:24:06.000 Because they're talking about raising them up significantly.

03:24:09.000 And lowering the police and defunding the police from the schools.

03:24:13.000 And trust me, I hear this from my wife every night. 0.99

03:24:16.000 I get the fucking... 0.99

03:24:17.000 Yeah, cutting the education budget. 1.00

03:24:18.000 Cutting the education budget.

03:24:20.000 No school all year.

03:24:22.000 It's crazy.

03:24:22.000 Parents don't want to mix and match.

03:24:24.000 It's tough.

03:24:25.000 I just want a garage in a basement.

03:24:27.000 That's all I need.

03:24:28.000 23 years, Joe Rogan.

03:24:30.000 I did more than I thought I'd ever do.

03:24:33.000 You know what?

03:24:34.000 I was at the store at a different time than Kennison and Dice, and it was just as magical.

03:24:40.000 But sometimes I'd rather not be Willie Mays and go play for the Mets.

03:24:45.000 If Willie Mays was smart, he would have gone out with the San Francisco Giants.

03:24:50.000 And that's exactly what I'm doing.

03:24:53.000 I'm not going to do Tom Brady.

03:24:55.000 You just won six championships.

03:24:57.000 Now you want to go to Tampa Bay and do what?

03:25:00.000 There's a time to say goodbye.

03:25:03.000 She used to say it best.

03:25:04.000 What's that lady we grew up on? 1.00

03:25:06.000 It's so nice we had this time together just to have a laugh or sing a song.

03:25:14.000 I have no idea who this is the worst impression.

03:25:16.000 Carol Burnett!

03:25:17.000 And before you know it, it's the time we have to say so long.

03:25:23.000 Can I ask you this?

03:25:25.000 Have you adapted well?

03:25:26.000 Are you adapted?

03:25:27.000 To what?

03:25:28.000 To do what?

03:25:28.000 This is normal.

03:25:29.000 This is your new life now.

03:25:30.000 This is life.

03:25:31.000 This is what it is.

03:25:33.000 Don't stand up.

03:25:35.000 I miss stand up.

03:25:36.000 I miss stand up.

03:25:38.000 I'm pulling the podcast.

03:25:39.000 I'm ending the church the same way.

03:25:41.000 I want to walk out like a man with my feet instead of walking on my knees. 0.99

03:25:46.000 I got some ideas.

03:25:49.000 But my plan right now is to leave.

03:25:53.000 Quarantine for 10 days.

03:25:56.000 Move into the house, put my daughter in school, shoot a couple days in The Sopranos, and then you and I will talk business.

03:26:05.000 Okay.

03:26:06.000 Montana.

03:26:06.000 You and I will call, and we'll decide what we're going to do.

03:26:09.000 If we go to Montana Red Band, it's going to be colder than fuck. 1.00

03:26:12.000 It's cold as fuck. 1.00

03:26:13.000 We're going to print money. 1.00

03:26:14.000 Brian, you need to learn how to chop wood.

03:26:16.000 I know how to.

03:26:17.000 I ran away from all that life.

03:26:19.000 We go to Billings.

03:26:21.000 There's two or three places in Montana.

03:26:24.000 Welcome us.

03:26:26.000 Welcome us with a tax break with the whole thing if we just opened up a comedy club in Montana.

03:26:32.000 People would love to see Brendon Sharp in Montana.

03:26:35.000 People would love to see Kilton.

03:26:37.000 Hawaii's too easy and we gotta fight the alligators. 0.99

03:26:40.000 Probably Hawaii's.

03:26:41.000 You couldn't even fly there.

03:26:43.000 Right now, if you fly there, you have to wait for two weeks. 0.99

03:26:46.000 I think that shit goes to September 1st, doesn't it? 0.99

03:26:48.000 Something along those lines. 0.99

03:26:50.000 And I want Montana, because it's hard to get there.

03:26:52.000 It's a connecting flight.

03:26:53.000 What about Utah? 1.00

03:26:54.000 Yeah, Montana's a pain in the ass to get to. 1.00

03:26:56.000 Utah, too. 0.99

03:26:57.000 Keith's got a great club down there.

03:26:59.000 And it's going to weed out the week, and it's going to make you stronger.

03:27:01.000 You're going to be a stronger person.

03:27:02.000 What's Montana's weed loss?

03:27:04.000 Yeah, August 11th.

03:27:06.000 Reinstated beginning August 11th.

03:27:07.000 Mandatory 14-day quarantine has been partial inter-island quarantine reinstated.

03:27:13.000 Okay. 0.98

03:27:14.000 Yeah, they're not fucking around in Hawaii. 0.98

03:27:17.000 They don't want people to get it. 0.99

03:27:18.000 Get on the island.

03:27:19.000 Yeah.

03:27:20.000 I mean, it makes sense.

03:27:21.000 Yep.

03:27:21.000 They can't get away from it, you know?

03:27:25.000 If they catch it on one of those islands, it spreads through the whole fucking island. 0.98

03:27:28.000 Should they close borders of every state? 0.99

03:27:32.000 That's a good question, man.

03:27:34.000 Listen, per capita right now, Arizona is the worst.

03:27:38.000 Is it?

03:27:38.000 I called the guy I kidnapped the other night to check in with him.

03:27:41.000 Just to make sure.

03:27:42.000 You know me, because I'm a Christian.

03:27:43.000 He's so sweet.

03:27:44.000 I heard he was having a rough time, so I called him to see if he needed anything.

03:27:48.000 And he told me he doesn't leave the house because he's got his mom.

03:27:51.000 He takes care of his mom, so he's in Tucson.

03:27:55.000 He said that per capita.

03:27:59.000 It's the worst spot in the world.

03:28:01.000 They got hit.

03:28:02.000 He's very, very scared.

03:28:05.000 Anywhere there's migrant workers, they get hit.

03:28:09.000 Anywhere there's people that don't believe in masks, they get hit. 0.99

03:28:13.000 A lot of churches, people that want to go to church, they don't give a fuck, they start singing in church, they get hit. 0.99

03:28:19.000 Those are the people that get hit. 0.99

03:28:21.000 Churches, unfortunately, people when they say you can't ban houses of worship, Boy, that's a tough one.

03:28:28.000 Because everybody's yelling.

03:28:29.000 Listen, I want to go to church.

03:28:31.000 But church is where your heart is anyway.

03:28:34.000 So enough.

03:28:35.000 Church is where your heart is.

03:28:37.000 But they need to make a solution.

03:28:38.000 So I understand you have to go and see and sing and dance.

03:28:42.000 But you know what?

03:28:43.000 For right now, for what's going on right now, I don't know what's in the Constitution.

03:28:48.000 I don't know what's in the Federation.

03:28:50.000 I don't know.

03:28:51.000 I'm just saying that for right now.

03:28:53.000 If you want to have the congregation, anything over eight people, you're playing with fire.

03:28:57.000 Anything over six people, you're playing with fire.

03:28:59.000 But even then, unless you know where those people are, if they're living with you, fine.

03:29:03.000 But if you don't know, they should figure out a way to do it outside.

03:29:07.000 My friend who's a pastor in Ohio does it outside every Sunday.

03:29:10.000 Totally can be done.

03:29:11.000 In a park.

03:29:12.000 Yeah, they can do it.

03:29:13.000 You can do it outside until it gets really cold out. 1.00

03:29:16.000 Yeah, and then you're fucked. 1.00

03:29:17.000 Then you gotta get a bonfire going. 1.00

03:29:19.000 Yeah, and then it's...

03:29:20.000 Have a Jesus bonfire every Sunday. 0.98

03:29:21.000 Yeah, that sucks, right? 0.98

03:29:23.000 Stand out there with mittens on. 0.99

03:29:24.000 You're eight. 1.00

03:29:24.000 Like, fuck this, Dad. 1.00

03:29:26.000 Come on. 1.00

03:29:28.000 Wait till the vaccine.

03:29:29.000 Dad, I don't want to go to church by the bonfire. 1.00

03:29:35.000 Montana, let's get the fuck out of here. 1.00

03:29:37.000 I'm gonna miss you. 0.98

03:29:38.000 I love you, too.

03:29:39.000 I love you, Redback.

03:29:41.000 I love you, baby.

03:29:41.000 I love you to all my heart.

03:29:42.000 You guys came for my wedding.

03:29:44.000 I love you, baby.

03:29:45.000 We're family here.

03:29:46.000 This doesn't mean nothing.

03:29:47.000 For real, think about, I mean, I hate to keep us going for a second here, but think about how weird this has been, like, doing these podcasts over these years.

03:29:55.000 That's changed all of our lives.

03:29:57.000 And how weird it is.

03:29:58.000 You just...

03:29:59.000 Talk into a microphone. 1.00

03:30:00.000 Let's talk shit and Do it over and over and over and over again and people just enjoy episodes What do you what's your new thing gonna be after you do the church? 1.00

03:30:11.000 What are you gonna call it? 0.99

03:30:11.000 I do not know yet. 0.99

03:30:13.000 I'm thinking of different ideas called the New Testament No, I'm gonna take your kick. 0.96

03:30:19.000 Joey Diaz on the toilet. 0.94

03:30:19.000 First of all, I'm gonna take your thing of using my name. 0.94

03:30:23.000 Okay.

03:30:24.000 You've always told me to use my name.

03:30:26.000 Absolutely.

03:30:27.000 Who's your name?

03:30:27.000 I think it's either gonna be Uncle Joey, something with Uncle Joey.

03:30:33.000 Uncle Joey Diaz.

03:30:34.000 Uncle Joey Power Hour.

03:30:36.000 That's great.

03:30:37.000 You know, I don't know.

03:30:38.000 I don't know what I want to do yet.

03:30:40.000 Let me figure out these steps to the 24th or whatever this shoots.

03:30:45.000 Okay, but whatever you do, listen to me.

03:30:46.000 Here's something you have to do.

03:30:48.000 Go ahead.

03:30:48.000 You have to sell You Know Me Dog shirts.

03:30:51.000 Okay.

03:30:52.000 How do You Know Me Sell a shirt that says, you know me, dog. 0.99

03:30:54.000 Because nine out of ten of all the fucking best stories you've ever told me start with, you know me, dog. 0.98

03:31:00.000 There's a you know me, dog, when the story gets crazy. 0.98

03:31:04.000 If you just had a shirt that says, you know me, dog, that would be a gigantic hit.

03:31:09.000 Right?

03:31:09.000 Guarantee.

03:31:10.000 Absolutely. 1.00

03:31:11.000 Do it before those fucking hyenas out there, the people that are listening to this. 0.99

03:31:16.000 You got a guy who does t-shirts, right? 0.99

03:31:17.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:31:18.000 Make that motherfucker up a shirt that says, you know me, dog. 1.00

03:31:22.000 I guarantee you, they'll sell like crazy. 0.99

03:31:24.000 And spirits.

03:31:25.000 Spirits is a good one too.

03:31:27.000 Spirits with exclamation point.

03:31:29.000 Alright.

03:31:30.000 I love you.

03:31:30.000 Listen, I love you guys.

03:31:31.000 Happy birthday.

03:31:31.000 I love both of you guys.

03:31:32.000 Thank you very much.

03:31:33.000 Bye everybody.

03:31:37.000 Me too.

03:31:42.000 I am about to die.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 12, 2020

Joe Rogan Experience #1523 - Joey Diaz & Brian Redban

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript