The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #153

00:00:00.000 You want to get more, huh?

00:00:00.000 No, that's good.

00:00:01.000 You sure?

00:00:02.000 Yeah, I'm good.

00:00:02.000 You positive?

00:00:03.000 Yeah, I'm really caffeine-y.

00:00:05.000 Alright, go.

00:00:06.000 I'm coconutty.

00:00:07.000 Are we live?

00:00:08.000 Yeah.

00:00:09.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:13.000 If you go to joerogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:00:22.000 Shazam!

00:00:22.000 And we have all used it.

00:00:24.000 We all give it thumbs up.

00:00:25.000 Joey Diaz, you never used it though, did you?

00:00:26.000 Nah, just a hand.

00:00:27.000 Just a hand.

00:00:28.000 A hand on my little finger, that's it.

00:00:31.000 We were also brought to you by Onnit.com, makers of AlphaBrain, O-N-N-I-T.com.

00:00:38.000 Enter in the code name ROGAN and you will get 10% off that.

00:00:41.000 AlphaBrain is a cognitive enhancer.

00:00:43.000 If you don't believe it, that's okay.

00:00:45.000 Just don't get mad at me.

00:00:46.000 And if you think it's too expensive, please buy the ingredients separately and enjoy.

00:00:52.000 I was actually looking at that.

00:00:54.000 I was looking at all the ingredients and if I could rebuild it and stuff.

00:00:57.000 There were so many levels of all the ingredients.

00:01:00.000 I was talking to Aubrey about it and he bought the best kind of ingredients to put in it.

00:01:04.000 If you want to get one of the components in it, you could get it pretty cheap.

00:01:08.000 There is going to be a cheap version of a lot of these ingredients and stuff like that.

00:01:11.000 He definitely uses a higher quality.

00:01:15.000 He uses the best quality you can get, but you can do it cheaper.

00:01:18.000 If you want to do it cheaper and avoid all this stuff...

00:01:21.000 Stop yelling at me.

00:01:21.000 How much are they?

00:01:22.000 I think $30 a bottle.

00:01:24.000 It's like a dollar a pill.

00:01:25.000 With a discount?

00:01:26.000 What do I get?

00:01:27.000 No.

00:01:27.000 I can't do the math.

00:01:29.000 It's like $3 off or something like that.

00:01:31.000 So if they press in the code, they get that?

00:01:32.000 Yeah.

00:01:33.000 Okay.

00:01:33.000 It's not a bad fucking deal.

00:01:35.000 Dude, I believe in this shit.

00:01:36.000 It works.

00:01:37.000 But you know what?

00:01:38.000 If you're broke...

00:01:39.000 If you're broke, I get it, man.

00:01:41.000 It's no big deal.

00:01:42.000 Cut your weed and take it in half and buy the fucking pills.

00:01:44.000 At $30 a pop for a month, it's pennies a week, really.

00:01:49.000 That's what you break it down to.

00:01:50.000 It's a dollar a day, if you really think about it.

00:01:52.000 If you have disposable income, it's all about what do you use it for.

00:01:56.000 For me, health and my overall sense of wellness and my ability to communicate, that's the most important shit to me.

00:02:04.000 Vitamins and good diet are primary.

00:02:06.000 That's one of the most important things you can have.

00:02:08.000 That's the things that I spend money on.

00:02:09.000 And good masturbation.

00:02:10.000 And good masturbation.

00:02:12.000 That's right.

00:02:12.000 For the flashlight.

00:02:13.000 Is that, you bringing it all back around?

00:02:14.000 Yeah, bringing it back around.

00:02:15.000 Bringing it all back around.

00:02:16.000 Joe Diaz is here.

00:02:18.000 I'm excited.

00:02:19.000 Let's light the fire.

00:02:20.000 Get this bitch rolling.

00:02:21.000 For Joe Rogan Experience.

00:02:23.000 Join my day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night.

00:02:26.000 That was the highlight of my month.

00:02:39.000 Bye. .

00:02:42.000 That was pretty sweet.

00:02:43.000 Yeah, it was the highlight of my month.

00:02:45.000 I've actually listened to that so much in the last 24 hours that I'm thinking about making a ringtone, but...

00:02:50.000 Oh, it's a good ringtone.

00:02:51.000 You know, the perfect thing about it, too, is that it wasn't perfect.

00:02:54.000 You know, it didn't even make sense.

00:02:55.000 Yeah.

00:02:56.000 Yeah, because when he says...

00:02:57.000 Also, when he says night or day or something like that...

00:03:01.000 You have your phone next to the shit.

00:03:02.000 Yeah.

00:03:03.000 You do, son.

00:03:04.000 Why are you pointing at Joey?

00:03:05.000 No, I was checking around.

00:03:07.000 I was checking around, doing the circle.

00:03:10.000 Yeah, it's train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

00:03:14.000 Yeah, the night party almost says like die or day or something like that.

00:03:18.000 It's perfect.

00:03:19.000 It's perfect.

00:03:19.000 Nick Diaz is awesome.

00:03:21.000 Holy shit, what a fucking fight that was.

00:03:23.000 Goddamn, Joe Diaz.

00:03:24.000 I was fucking fired up.

00:03:26.000 I wanted to cry.

00:03:27.000 Rodan gave me a cookie he had, and I ate it before the fight.

00:03:30.000 And by the time Chuck Kongo fought Metreon, I was fucked up.

00:03:33.000 Like, you know, when you sit over in that section, those lights hit you.

00:03:37.000 I don't know if they ever affect you by mistake.

00:03:39.000 They usually put, like, these orange, red kind of lights, blue lights.

00:03:42.000 And that cookie made those lights.

00:03:44.000 Like, I couldn't even see the fucking fight.

00:03:46.000 I'm like, get this beam of light out of my eyeballs.

00:03:48.000 Really?

00:03:48.000 And then by the time BJ, when BJ came out, listen, it was too close of a fight for anybody to call.

00:03:54.000 My heart was too involved with BJ. I really liked the hell out of BJ. Yeah.

00:03:58.000 So I didn't want to really call it.

00:04:00.000 And when I was watching BJ come out, I just wanted a decent fight, you know?

00:04:04.000 Right.

00:04:04.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

00:04:05.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

00:04:07.000 What a fight.

00:04:07.000 Holy shit.

00:04:08.000 Nick Diaz looked good, man.

00:04:10.000 God damn, did he look good.

00:04:11.000 That's the best performance I think anyone has ever had against BJ. No one has ever looked that good against BJ. I mean, he just...

00:04:21.000 Boxed him up, standing up, man.

00:04:23.000 Just boxed him up.

00:04:24.000 And the pace that Nick Diaz makes you run with him.

00:04:27.000 He makes you run at his pace.

00:04:29.000 And his endurance is just on some wicked level, man.

00:04:32.000 And he forces this pace and fights guys using sharp boxing where he doesn't hit you with full blast shots.

00:04:39.000 He sort of 50%s you, 50%s you, up until the second and third round.

00:04:44.000 Then he starts digging those hooks to the body.

00:04:48.000 He's so effective, man.

00:04:49.000 He's so effective.

00:04:51.000 It's really weird to watch.

00:04:53.000 It was a great fucking fight.

00:04:54.000 Like I said, I like going to UFC to see fights.

00:04:58.000 I'm a fan, but I also want to see a fucking...

00:05:00.000 I want to see some crazy shit.

00:05:01.000 I want to see some crazy shit.

00:05:02.000 And then they just announced my other man, Donald Cerrone, against Nate Diaz for Super Bowl weekend also.

00:05:09.000 That's a fucking...

00:05:10.000 I mean, Donald Cerrone, I loved him.

00:05:12.000 I've always loved him as a human being, as a fighter.

00:05:15.000 But the other night...

00:05:16.000 He came out looking good like a motherfucker.

00:05:18.000 He was like super fly in 73. He was just smooth.

00:05:22.000 He just looked good.

00:05:23.000 He came out.

00:05:24.000 Thank you very much for taking me.

00:05:26.000 Thank you for coming, man.

00:05:27.000 You were the life of the party.

00:05:29.000 I talked to Greg Jackson about it.

00:05:31.000 He said he's never been more disciplined.

00:05:33.000 That's what it is.

00:05:33.000 He's just constantly training, constantly in the gym, just working harder than he's ever worked before.

00:05:37.000 He realizes, I think, that he's knocking on the door right now.

00:05:40.000 He's like right there.

00:05:41.000 I mean, he's the elite of the elite.

00:05:42.000 You know, this knockout of Seaver, the way he put Seaver out, dude.

00:05:45.000 Woo!

00:05:46.000 That was big, dude.

00:05:47.000 It was beautiful.

00:05:47.000 That was big.

00:05:48.000 The fact that he did that to Seaver.

00:05:49.000 I mean, Seaver's a dangerous guy, man.

00:05:51.000 Look what Seaver did to Andre Winter.

00:05:52.000 Look at that turning sidekick he landed on Nate Moore and sent him flying across the room.

00:05:57.000 He's a beast, man.

00:05:58.000 He's no joke.

00:05:59.000 And Donald Cerrone just ran through him.

00:06:00.000 And to have done that right after he did the same to Charles Oliveira?

00:06:05.000 Cerrone's a monster, man.

00:06:06.000 He's fun.

00:06:07.000 And he's a cowboy.

00:06:08.000 He's a fucking character, man.

00:06:09.000 He's a real, legit cowboy, man.

00:06:11.000 He wears cowboy boots and shit.

00:06:13.000 He's got a hat, rides bulls.

00:06:14.000 He doesn't get the fuck around, man.

00:06:16.000 He lives on a ranch, man.

00:06:17.000 You know, like I was saying, when they were calling him Cowboy Cerrone when he was about to step in the octagon, I'm like, well, this isn't a joke.

00:06:23.000 This guy lives on a ranch, okay?

00:06:24.000 He's got his own ranch.

00:06:26.000 These are real cowboy boots because he wears them, and it's a real fucking cowboy hat.

00:06:31.000 He's a beast.

00:06:32.000 Now, I've seen something on Twitter earlier.

00:06:35.000 Are they giving Conduit Ellenberger or somebody else in the meantime?

00:06:38.000 I don't know.

00:06:40.000 What if it was just a ranch-style house?

00:06:42.000 You know, what if it was on a real ranch and this whole time you just misheard it?

00:06:46.000 And then you go to his house and you're like, oh, he just bought some cowboy boys and he has a one-story house.

00:06:51.000 The other end of Vegas, which you really fucking missed, and I came home and actually watched it, was the Bull Riding Association finals were there.

00:06:59.000 Yeah.

00:06:59.000 So there were cowboys everywhere.

00:07:01.000 Do you understand me?

00:07:02.000 The hats, the shit kickers.

00:07:03.000 And I was telling Joe, yeah, sometimes I misquote my words.

00:07:08.000 I don't hate fucking anybody.

00:07:09.000 I just hate people who like...

00:07:12.000 Think they're better than you are.

00:07:13.000 Snobby people, a.k.a.

00:07:15.000 wasps.

00:07:15.000 You know who my heart is?

00:07:17.000 The South.

00:07:18.000 Let's get down to it.

00:07:19.000 When I fucking came to this country, I was a little kid.

00:07:21.000 When I seen a cowboy hat and a gun, are you fucking kidding me?

00:07:25.000 You know what you feel like when you see that?

00:07:26.000 We all wanted to be...

00:07:28.000 Cowboys, that's when we first fucking dressed as our first Halloween.

00:07:32.000 Somewhere along the line, all three of us, we were a cowboy for a day.

00:07:36.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:07:36.000 We all giggled.

00:07:37.000 You would never play the fucking cowboy.

00:07:39.000 I bet you did.

00:07:40.000 With the girl next door, you tied her up.

00:07:42.000 You dirty fucking bastard.

00:07:44.000 Brian wasn't even an Indian.

00:07:45.000 He was the boy that worked in the shop.

00:07:47.000 That's what he played.

00:07:48.000 Everybody else played cowboys.

00:07:50.000 No, I played Indian.

00:07:51.000 Did you?

00:07:53.000 There's a lot of people that want to be rebels that played Indians.

00:07:55.000 I played Indian after I seen Charles Bronson in the...

00:08:02.000 Yeah, Charles Bronson could pull off Indian easy, right?

00:08:07.000 Well, in the 60s, they just let you do whatever the fuck you wanted to.

00:08:10.000 I mean, Anthony Quinn's a Mexican, he plays fucking Irish.

00:08:12.000 How fucked up is that?

00:08:14.000 Anthony Quinn is really Mexican, a great actor, and he played everything.

00:08:17.000 Well, he played a Mexican in that one black and white movie, but...

00:08:20.000 What was that movie that he played with Kevin Costner?

00:08:24.000 Do you remember that movie with Kevin Costner?

00:08:27.000 Where Kevin Costner was in love with his wife?

00:08:29.000 REVENGE! Yes.

00:08:30.000 One of the greatest beatings ever.

00:08:32.000 Forget Anderson Silverkick and what's his name in the face.

00:08:35.000 The guy fucks his wife who's the crazy chick who's no longer like a hot actress.

00:08:41.000 She was very hot at that time.

00:08:42.000 Who was she?

00:08:43.000 Anthony Quinn was a Mexican drug fucking savage.

00:08:48.000 Madeline Stowe.

00:08:49.000 Madeline Stowe.

00:08:50.000 No Viagra.

00:08:51.000 Revenge was like 87. There was no Viagra.

00:08:53.000 And he was just banging.

00:08:54.000 And this chick wanted to keep getting banged.

00:08:56.000 And he came in, broke his legs, slashed his face, put her in a fucking brothel, shot her with fucking coke.

00:09:02.000 I mean, Anthony Quinn didn't fuck around in Revenge.

00:09:05.000 That was a scary movie, man.

00:09:07.000 Bro, did you watch anything scary yesterday?

00:09:09.000 I'll tell you what I got caught up in yesterday from the beginning.

00:09:11.000 What?

00:09:11.000 I got caught up in the motherfucking exorcist yesterday.

00:09:14.000 And to watch the...

00:09:15.000 You know what?

00:09:16.000 Everybody talks about Friday the 13th.

00:09:18.000 I forgot.

00:09:19.000 Because all you think about is this movie about a kid getting possessed.

00:09:22.000 It is so fucking deep.

00:09:24.000 The cinematography.

00:09:25.000 When the priest comes...

00:09:27.000 Not Jackie.

00:09:28.000 You know that Jackie Gleason's son-in-law?

00:09:30.000 Demi, why you do this to me?

00:09:31.000 Really?

00:09:32.000 That's Jason Patrick's motherfucking father.

00:09:34.000 That Greek dude.

00:09:35.000 That dude never even did another movie.

00:09:37.000 He just did that, that priest.

00:09:38.000 The boxer.

00:09:39.000 Really?

00:09:39.000 Yeah, he's bad.

00:09:40.000 Yeah, that is kind of crazy.

00:09:41.000 That guy didn't do that many movies.

00:09:43.000 Fucking beautiful, that motherfucker.

00:09:44.000 He was really good.

00:09:45.000 Yeah, he was really fucking...

00:09:46.000 That's kind of crazy.

00:09:47.000 He was so good in that movie, he never did another movie.

00:09:49.000 Did that movie win anything?

00:09:51.000 Can you click on it?

00:09:51.000 Did it win anything?

00:09:52.000 Because if it didn't, I'm going to blow up a fucking studio.

00:09:55.000 Ha ha ha.

00:09:55.000 I'm going to blow up one of these fucking jerk-offs.

00:09:58.000 Let me tell you something.

00:09:59.000 That movie took me...

00:10:00.000 This girl was 12 years old.

00:10:02.000 There's one where she tells me, your mother sucks cocks in hell.

00:10:05.000 You can't write that shit.

00:10:06.000 She takes the cross.

00:10:08.000 She's sticking her monkey.

00:10:09.000 Then she takes the mother, puts her head down there and says, suck me.

00:10:12.000 In her contract, they should have said, listen, we're going to give you 50 grand a year for psychological abuse.

00:10:17.000 It was 1970. This kid was saying those words.

00:10:19.000 What do you think that did to her?

00:10:21.000 She was a freak.

00:10:22.000 Made her suck with James' dick.

00:10:23.000 She went right to Buffalo one way.

00:10:25.000 She was only 17. It was something.

00:10:30.000 There's another scene in there where she's shoving the cross and it's making noise like it's cutting into meat.

00:10:37.000 It is.

00:10:38.000 You know they shot that in the fucking freezer.

00:10:41.000 I didn't know that.

00:10:42.000 The breath was like that.

00:10:44.000 Wow, that makes sense.

00:10:45.000 What a fucking amazing, amazing...

00:10:48.000 I was sitting there going, I gotta save this for the podcast.

00:10:52.000 Because again, back to the fucking 70s.

00:10:54.000 Back to the fucking 70s.

00:10:56.000 And it didn't mind fuck you like a hand coming out of a wall.

00:10:59.000 It mind fuck you slowly.

00:11:00.000 Yeah.

00:11:01.000 Well, they didn't have the special effects, so they had to do it with writing, and they had to do it with the way they shot things.

00:11:06.000 You know, their special effects, I mean, she just had a little makeup on her face.

00:11:09.000 It was really not that bad.

00:11:10.000 Do you remember that song?

00:11:11.000 Do you remember that song?

00:11:13.000 Yeah, sure.

00:11:13.000 It was the creepiest.

00:11:14.000 Fuck, when he gets out of the cab.

00:11:16.000 Yeah.

00:11:19.000 Yeah.

00:11:20.000 And all of a sudden, she opens that door and it's just fog behind him.

00:11:23.000 Yeah.

00:11:23.000 That is one of the greatest fucking shots.

00:11:25.000 If that motherfucker was at my house, I think I'd just slam the door on his face.

00:11:27.000 The movie's badass.

00:11:28.000 How is this in the beginning?

00:11:29.000 They find like a talisman or something like that, a little statue?

00:11:32.000 He's in Egypt, which I always believe, that's why I've always thought there's so much fucking bad luck in Africa.

00:11:36.000 Because the devil, that's the devil's house.

00:11:39.000 That's the devil's house in Africa.

00:11:41.000 Egypt is the devil's house?

00:11:41.000 What about that scene when he sees the devil's statue and he looks and it's two dogs fighting?

00:11:48.000 Oh, Joe Rogan.

00:11:49.000 Two wild dogs in the sand.

00:11:52.000 And also he is...

00:11:53.000 And a guy comes out, pops out with a shotgun like in an Arab suit.

00:11:56.000 He's in an Arab fucking country when he finds that thing.

00:11:59.000 But then when he goes to her house, there's one part where...

00:12:03.000 Why you do this to me?

00:12:04.000 You're not my fucking mother!

00:12:06.000 Oh my god, he has to leave the room and she fucking putes that green soup in his fucking eye.

00:12:12.000 Just brilliant!

00:12:14.000 And when back then, you have to think, there was nothing like this before this movie.

00:12:17.000 Nothing.

00:12:18.000 They had those old Wolfman movies.

00:12:20.000 How?

00:12:22.000 They were so stupid.

00:12:24.000 I mean, they were fun, but there were nothing like The Exorcist, man.

00:12:27.000 The Exorcist had taken it to a deep, deep psychological level.

00:12:30.000 That movie scared the fuck out of a lot of people.

00:12:33.000 A lot of people.

00:12:33.000 And then they reduxed it.

00:12:34.000 Like they did it with her walking down the stairs in a fucking, you know, omoplata.

00:12:39.000 It looked stupid.

00:12:39.000 She walked on her own omoplata.

00:12:41.000 Yeah, that was terrible.

00:12:42.000 They ruined it.

00:12:43.000 That took away from what the whole movie was about.

00:12:45.000 Those are like the scenes they cut out, which they cut them out for a fucking reason, because it sucked.

00:12:49.000 It's like when people go, oh my god, they just re-released Prince's unreleased scene.

00:12:53.000 He didn't release them because they sucked.

00:12:54.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:12:55.000 This is for his ranch next to Donald Cerrone, you dumb fuck.

00:12:58.000 This hits and misses.

00:12:59.000 You gotta accept that.

00:13:00.000 Yeah, no.

00:13:01.000 You don't know.

00:13:03.000 Yeah, that movie was a fucking classic.

00:13:06.000 That's one of those movies.

00:13:06.000 Very strong movie.

00:13:07.000 They just did it so well.

00:13:09.000 It was so well done in every way.

00:13:11.000 There's a few movies like that where you go back and you watch them and you go, God damn, they just nailed this shit.

00:13:15.000 And everybody was a superb actor.

00:13:18.000 Like, they set you up for it.

00:13:20.000 Well, a lot of people forget that there was a party at the house and there was a fight between a Jewish guy and a German.

00:13:25.000 And he kept saying, fucking Nazis.

00:13:28.000 Then they got into a misunderstanding.

00:13:30.000 So when she first started getting sick, she leaves the mother.

00:13:33.000 And when she comes back, the director got found in the bottom of the steps with his head twisted all the way around.

00:13:38.000 They said, bro, they set you the fuck up.

00:13:42.000 The cop comes over, he interviews him, what happened.

00:13:45.000 You know, and now you're thinking maybe the girl killed the fucking guy.

00:13:49.000 Remember she went downstairs and peed when they were playing the piano?

00:13:51.000 Yeah, she goes to the astronaut, you're going to die up there, mister.

00:13:55.000 And then pisses on the ground.

00:13:56.000 Just shit that you can't even, a little girl with that cute little face.

00:14:00.000 At the end, look, no, no, you're getting it.

00:14:02.000 Tonight, you have to put it up.

00:14:03.000 When she comes out at the end, and the priest comes up, and the father goes to her, does she remember anything?

00:14:09.000 And the mother goes, no, she doesn't remember a goddamn thing.

00:14:11.000 And all of a sudden, she gets in the car, she comes out and hugs him.

00:14:15.000 That scene will fucking kill you.

00:14:17.000 It'll fucking kill you.

00:14:18.000 It's such a great little fucking dirty scene.

00:14:21.000 Anyway, I don't know what I said.

00:14:22.000 Do you guys remember that movie House from like 1986?

00:14:25.000 House.

00:14:25.000 It's a horror movie?

00:14:26.000 Yeah, it was a horror movie and the dude from Cheers was in it.

00:14:29.000 George Wint or whatever.

00:14:31.000 William Catt.

00:14:32.000 God, I don't remember that at all.

00:14:34.000 Never mind then.

00:14:35.000 I've never been a big spooky guy.

00:14:37.000 I mean, listen, Nightmare on Elm Street, the first couple of those were off the fuck.

00:14:40.000 They were okay.

00:14:41.000 When I first watched them, I'm not a horror guy.

00:14:43.000 You know, I'm not a big horror guy.

00:14:45.000 So, I get scared.

00:14:46.000 I can't fucking sleep at night.

00:14:47.000 Like yesterday I watched that.

00:14:49.000 I watched Dexter.

00:14:50.000 And there was something else on.

00:14:51.000 I can't fucking sleep at night with all that horror in my life.

00:14:54.000 That's all I want.

00:14:55.000 I don't want Dexter.

00:14:56.000 I don't want like serial killer type horror.

00:14:57.000 I don't want like real live shit.

00:14:59.000 I like monsters.

00:15:00.000 That's what I like.

00:15:01.000 I like shit that's not real because that's fun for me.

00:15:03.000 When I go to a movie, the last thing I want is you to recreate real life.

00:15:07.000 I get enough real life.

00:15:08.000 I don't want it.

00:15:09.000 I want vampires.

00:15:10.000 What do you got?

00:15:11.000 Who can fly?

00:15:12.000 Who shoots laser beams out of their eyeballs?

00:15:14.000 If you don't have that, I don't want to go see your fucking movie.

00:15:17.000 I got movies, and I got movies to take my mind the fuck away.

00:15:20.000 A.K.A. Cowgun.

00:15:22.000 I got movies and I got Cowgun.

00:15:24.000 Cowgun?

00:15:25.000 Take me away?

00:15:26.000 Yeah.

00:15:26.000 There's movies that you watch.

00:15:28.000 I want to watch a movie that half the way during the movie you ask yourself, where's my life headed?

00:15:33.000 Right.

00:15:33.000 And you're giggling.

00:15:35.000 That's all that matters to me.

00:15:36.000 Right.

00:15:36.000 Like sometimes I catch myself watching Roadhouse.

00:15:38.000 I ain't gonna fucking lie.

00:15:39.000 Best movie on television.

00:15:40.000 I'll watch it all the way through.

00:15:42.000 Ben Gazzara.

00:15:42.000 Yeah.

00:15:43.000 Let me flip a coin.

00:15:44.000 Hold on.

00:15:44.000 He flips a coin.

00:15:46.000 You got rich off a lot of people in this town, and I'm gonna get richer.

00:15:49.000 Yeah, there's just some movies.

00:15:51.000 The worst dialogue ever.

00:15:53.000 That movie's a classic.

00:15:54.000 There's some dumb movies that I'm ashamed to tell people I even like.

00:15:57.000 I love the scene where they're stitching Patrick Swayze up.

00:16:01.000 She's stitching him up, and he goes, pain don't hurt.

00:16:04.000 Pain don't hurt.

00:16:06.000 I wish you would have like a video game for that.

00:16:08.000 Like a first person shooter roadhouse where you're just like going around bars and kicking ass, like going through clubs and crowds.

00:16:14.000 Oh, being a bouncer.

00:16:15.000 Yeah, being a bouncer and the most craziest bar ever.

00:16:18.000 Yeah.

00:16:18.000 Yeah, they could have something like that.

00:16:19.000 Boss levels, the woman's restroom or something.

00:16:21.000 Coolers!

00:16:22.000 They weren't even bouncers.

00:16:23.000 Yeah, they were coolers and shit.

00:16:25.000 I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice.

00:16:30.000 Those are the cocaine days, man.

00:16:32.000 They made different movies back then.

00:16:33.000 I was 87. They made stupid movies because they didn't know the movies were stupid because they were all coked up while they were making them.

00:16:40.000 What do you think of this idea?

00:16:41.000 They all had bad soundtracks.

00:16:43.000 Did you ever see Manhunter?

00:16:45.000 Is that what it is?

00:16:46.000 The original Silence of the Lambs?

00:16:48.000 I believe it was called Manhunter.

00:16:49.000 Manhunter, yes it is.

00:16:50.000 With the dude from CSI. William, what's his name?

00:16:54.000 I can't think of his name.

00:16:55.000 Whatever Homeboy's name is.

00:16:56.000 That's a weird fucking movie.

00:16:57.000 That's a good fucking movie.

00:16:58.000 That's a weird movie.

00:16:59.000 But brilliant.

00:17:00.000 That's Michael Mann in his early days.

00:17:02.000 William Peterson is his name.

00:17:05.000 The story about William Peterson was he put him in Thief.

00:17:08.000 He's got one line in Thief.

00:17:09.000 He takes a stick and is going to hit James Caan.

00:17:11.000 That's him.

00:17:12.000 That's William Peterson.

00:17:13.000 Then he put him in Manhunter.

00:17:14.000 Then I think William Peterson.

00:17:15.000 Then he put him in one of the best movies ever.

00:17:17.000 To live and die in LA. God damn it.

00:17:19.000 Damn!

00:17:20.000 Like a motherfucker!

00:17:22.000 People forget about that movie.

00:17:23.000 The line I have stolen, I told him to his face, and he goes, what line?

00:17:27.000 And I go, that line, I stole from him.

00:17:30.000 1983, when John Turturro's in the jail, and what's his name goes to visit him, when he first gets busted at the airport with a counterfeit money.

00:17:37.000 And he goes, listen, sit tight, I'll get you out.

00:17:39.000 And he looks at me and goes, yeah.

00:17:41.000 And the check's in the mail and I promise not to come in your mouth.

00:17:44.000 And then he goes, listen, it's all going to work out in a couple days.

00:17:47.000 And all of a sudden you hear the bell go off and he's got to stop visitation.

00:17:49.000 He's drinking Kaopectate, which makes the visit even stronger.

00:17:54.000 He's got a fucking ulcer.

00:17:55.000 And as he's leaving, he knocks on the glass and he goes, don't forget about me.

00:18:01.000 That's your line?

00:18:02.000 That's where I get that line from.

00:18:03.000 Don't forget about me?

00:18:04.000 Don't forget about me.

00:18:05.000 He just walks away into the midnight and shit.

00:18:07.000 That's a great movie.

00:18:09.000 Chicks eating each other.

00:18:10.000 Remember that movie?

00:18:12.000 She was an artist type woman and shit like that.

00:18:15.000 What's the name of that dude, dawg, that he played The Last Temptation of Christ?

00:18:18.000 He's a star to live and die in L.A. Which guy is that?

00:18:21.000 William Dafoe?

00:18:22.000 Yeah, William Dafoe.

00:18:23.000 I'm sorry.

00:18:23.000 Yeah, man.

00:18:25.000 He was great in that movie.

00:18:26.000 He was great in that movie.

00:18:28.000 Fuck yeah.

00:18:29.000 You know what's crazy about the ecstasy?

00:18:30.000 It's like before ecstasy and before fucking all these things, there was a drug called THC crystal.

00:18:37.000 THC crystal.

00:18:38.000 This is 1976 to about 80. It was a designer drug.

00:18:42.000 It was supposedly THC, the sticks and stems.

00:18:46.000 You boil them, and whatever rises to the top, you scrape it off, and you freeze it, and you snort it.

00:18:52.000 But what it became was something completely different.

00:18:55.000 But for 10 bucks, three people could get hot.

00:18:57.000 That's the first thing I ever snorted in my life.

00:19:00.000 I never did blow like that then.

00:19:01.000 I just did this one thing, and people like, snort it, try it.

00:19:04.000 And one night I did that THC crystal between two people.

00:19:08.000 And I went fucking home, and that's one of the times...

00:19:10.000 Did you share it like Lady and the Tramp?

00:19:12.000 I don't know how we shared it.

00:19:14.000 It came in a little aluminum foil, and you gave it to your buddy, and he went...

00:19:17.000 And it tasted like...

00:19:18.000 It didn't taste like anything else I've ever tasted.

00:19:20.000 It tasted like a vitamin.

00:19:22.000 Fucking 15 minutes later, your vision would just cross.

00:19:25.000 But one night I went home, put that fucking exorcist on, and I nearly had a heart attack.

00:19:30.000 What was the effects of this stuff?

00:19:32.000 What was it like?

00:19:33.000 Between me and you, it was just this fucking designer name for...

00:19:40.000 Angel Dust.

00:19:42.000 That's all it was.

00:19:43.000 A designer name for Angel Dust.

00:19:45.000 In the 70s, all that shit was big in New York.

00:19:48.000 They called it something else.

00:19:49.000 When you went to buy weed, little envelopes, brown envelopes that you folded up, trays or fives or tens, litty would always go out.

00:19:57.000 Then, not only would they have a name for the weed, the master mix, the super mix, they'd go, we also got whatever killed somebody that week.

00:20:04.000 Like when I first...

00:20:05.000 The Len Bias.

00:20:06.000 Len Bias or the Guyana.

00:20:08.000 Like the first time I went over there, it was the Guyana.

00:20:10.000 Jim Jones.

00:20:11.000 Jim Jones.

00:20:12.000 This is what he put in the motherfucking Kool-Aid.

00:20:14.000 What was it?

00:20:15.000 That was always the case, right?

00:20:18.000 Wasn't that always the case when somebody would die?

00:20:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:20:20.000 It would always name some shit and tell you this is the shit that put him on the moon.

00:20:24.000 This is the shit that put Neil Armstrong on the moon.

00:20:28.000 It was like 87, 85 or 86 when Len Bias died.

00:20:33.000 This is the shit they gave Kennedy before they put him in a memo.

00:20:35.000 I still remember going to Harlem that week.

00:20:38.000 And like not even thinking about it.

00:20:40.000 Like Lenny Bias died.

00:20:42.000 Lefty Dryzel was the coach.

00:20:43.000 It was the first time he had ever done blow.

00:20:46.000 Whatever.

00:20:46.000 And I'm in the car and I pull over and we go get weed in Harlem.

00:20:49.000 And all of a sudden some black guy comes around and he's like, Yo!

00:20:53.000 Yo!

00:20:54.000 I got the shit that killed Lenny Bias!

00:20:56.000 I had to stop and like fucking almost drop to one knee.

00:20:59.000 I had never heard that before.

00:21:01.000 It was dark.

00:21:02.000 There were pit bulls out.

00:21:03.000 You know what I mean?

00:21:03.000 I didn't give a fuck.

00:21:04.000 I just dropped.

00:21:05.000 I had never heard that before.

00:21:07.000 Can you imagine if that's your marketing?

00:21:08.000 Can you imagine if someone died from Tylenol?

00:21:11.000 Well, people were doing it.

00:21:12.000 When people were poisoning it, that's what they were saying.

00:21:14.000 Bro, this is what they put in the Tylenol shit.

00:21:16.000 What?

00:21:16.000 Can you imagine if Tylenol was saying that?

00:21:19.000 That's my point.

00:21:20.000 Can you imagine if Tylenol was selling?

00:21:21.000 Yo, this is the shit that killed them 20 people.

00:21:23.000 Can you hang?

00:21:24.000 Can you hang, dog?

00:21:26.000 We can't even sell it inside CVS. We've got to be in the parking lot.

00:21:30.000 This is the shit that we gave to that dude when he got shot in the head and he drove himself to the hospital.

00:21:34.000 Shit like that.

00:21:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:21:36.000 Show the guy's head fucking bleeding and stuff like that.

00:21:39.000 Why is it always that?

00:21:41.000 It's always the shit that killed the latest guy.

00:21:44.000 Gaddafi.

00:21:45.000 This is put up Gaddafi's ass.

00:21:47.000 Yeah, did you watch any of the Gaddafi footage?

00:21:49.000 A little bit, a little bit.

00:21:51.000 Holy shit, that's strange.

00:21:52.000 Could you imagine we had footage like that of Hitler's last day?

00:21:56.000 You know?

00:21:57.000 Gaddafi went out hard, dude.

00:21:59.000 Knife in the asshole.

00:22:01.000 Yeah, he went out to animals.

00:22:03.000 They ripped him apart and shot him.

00:22:05.000 I mean, basically...

00:22:07.000 Those people were screaming, Allah Akbar, and they were shoving sticks up his ass.

00:22:11.000 You could find photos online of them shoving a stick right up his ass.

00:22:15.000 They got a still frame.

00:22:16.000 It was real hard to see what exactly was going on in the video.

00:22:19.000 They still used the Motorola Razr, it looked like.

00:22:23.000 It looked like something along those lines.

00:22:24.000 It was not a good camera.

00:22:25.000 It was a shitty camera.

00:22:26.000 And there was so much movement on the screen.

00:22:29.000 There was so much action that the camera made things almost like stop motion.

00:22:33.000 It was missing frames.

00:22:35.000 It looked terrible.

00:22:36.000 Or very artsy.

00:22:37.000 There's some guy over there going, dude, you should see how I edited it.

00:22:40.000 No, no, no.

00:22:41.000 It's obvious.

00:22:41.000 It's a shitty...

00:22:44.000 What a miserable way to die with a fucking stick in your ass.

00:22:47.000 Yeah, well they shot him.

00:22:48.000 The coalition forces were going to come and get him and take him away, and one of the guys shot him.

00:22:52.000 Now, even after you shot him and you're breathing, you have a couple minutes of whatever, right there they're pulling your pants down and sticking a broom handle up your ass.

00:23:00.000 It was a knife.

00:23:01.000 And it was a knife?

00:23:02.000 No, you saw a knife?

00:23:03.000 It was a knife.

00:23:04.000 I just read a thing the other day.

00:23:05.000 I forget what website it was.

00:23:07.000 It was like a news website.

00:23:08.000 And they were saying that they went frame by frame and realized there was a knife in the asshole.

00:23:13.000 You can see where it's like a little blood stain, too, like he was spotting, you know?

00:23:18.000 A little period.

00:23:19.000 A little Gaddafi period.

00:23:21.000 No, I'm not going to do that.

00:23:22.000 I want my cookies from LCC. Rebel shoves a knife up Qaddafi's butt before killing him.

00:23:28.000 Wow.

00:23:28.000 Yep, exactly.

00:23:30.000 But what's crazy, dude, is how nutty it is to watch this guy's last moments.

00:23:37.000 There's all these screaming, and he's covered in blood, and he's looking around horrified, and they're screaming, And they kept taking the camera and putting it in front of their face.

00:23:47.000 They'd look right at the camera and scream, Hello!

00:23:49.000 Hello, Wakba!

00:23:50.000 Hello, Wakba!

00:23:51.000 And then go back to chaos and blood.

00:23:53.000 What's Hello, Wakba mean?

00:23:54.000 God is great.

00:23:55.000 God is great.

00:23:58.000 What?

00:24:00.000 Yeah, it's pretty fucking nuts, man.

00:24:02.000 That's a crazy part of the world.

00:24:05.000 Scary, you know?

00:24:06.000 I dressed up as a wizard and scared a bunch of people at a party.

00:24:08.000 I dressed up as a black wizard.

00:24:10.000 And I think it made people nervous because I bought really realistic guns, like fake guns.

00:24:17.000 I think giving a black wizard would fucking scare me to pieces, you understand me?

00:24:20.000 I don't need a gun.

00:24:21.000 I'm looking at a photo of this guy shoving a knife up his ass, yeah.

00:24:26.000 You see the blood spot?

00:24:27.000 Yep, he shoved a knife in Qaddafi's ass.

00:24:30.000 That's cold-blooded.

00:24:32.000 Cold-blooded guy.

00:24:33.000 That guy will be talking about that forever.

00:24:35.000 That'll be his family's legacy.

00:24:39.000 Do you bring the knife home?

00:24:40.000 You know that photo?

00:24:41.000 You know the photo of the guy who shoves the knife up Qaddafi's ass?

00:24:45.000 That is my father.

00:24:47.000 I was that guy.

00:24:48.000 Yeah, I'm watching this picture.

00:24:50.000 That's deep.

00:24:51.000 He shoved it deep in his ass, too.

00:24:53.000 It's a crazy way that guy died.

00:24:55.000 Does he multiple stab him or just shoves a knife up his ass?

00:24:58.000 You can't tell because in the video it's really hard to tell.

00:25:01.000 There's some good photos of his dead body, though.

00:25:04.000 There's a bullet in his forehead and two in his chest.

00:25:07.000 There's some high-quality photos of his body.

00:25:11.000 Pretty nuts, man.

00:25:12.000 We've never had that before, you know?

00:25:14.000 Never had the video of a guy getting attacked by a mob and killed.

00:25:20.000 I was just thinking 20 years, it's going to be in 3D and shit.

00:25:23.000 It's going to be like the best quality ever.

00:25:25.000 You mean we're going to get high quality, more video footage, stuff like this?

00:25:28.000 Yeah, it's going to get worse.

00:25:29.000 It's going to get to the point where we're going to be able to experience what Gaddafi felt with a knife being up there.

00:25:34.000 How far have we come?

00:25:35.000 How fucking far have we come like that?

00:25:38.000 I got so many more shit that are going to get taped now.

00:25:41.000 In my hometown of North Bergen, they have command centers, people who watch videos, and they have cameras controlling the city, and they call them hotspots.

00:25:49.000 You know, they call them hotspots.

00:25:50.000 But in reality, they're fucking taping you.

00:25:52.000 Yeah.

00:25:53.000 They're fucking taping you.

00:25:54.000 People do creepy shit.

00:25:55.000 You got to catch them.

00:25:56.000 That's the way to catch them.

00:25:56.000 There's pro and con to that.

00:25:57.000 There's the tunnel from New York.

00:25:59.000 I understand.

00:26:00.000 But they're fucking taping you.

00:26:02.000 It's true.

00:26:02.000 You know, I mean, I thought there was something more to this.

00:26:05.000 And they might not be the only people.

00:26:07.000 I mean, you know, I don't whack off in fucking Vegas.

00:26:10.000 You don't whack off in Vegas?

00:26:11.000 Nothing, nothing.

00:26:12.000 I even take a shower with underwear on.

00:26:13.000 Those motherfuckers.

00:26:14.000 Those motherfuckers in Vegas will tape you, you know.

00:26:17.000 You think so?

00:26:18.000 Yeah, man.

00:26:19.000 Yeah, you have to assume.

00:26:20.000 You can't even think.

00:26:22.000 You have to assume that they're watching.

00:26:23.000 Photos of Joey Diaz beating off.

00:26:25.000 No, no, dog, forget it.

00:26:27.000 Even when I'd snort coke in Vegas, I'd snort in that little fucking bungalow bathroom with the lights out.

00:26:31.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:26:32.000 So nobody would fucking see me.

00:26:33.000 Fuck you.

00:26:34.000 And I'd fart in there to double check.

00:26:35.000 Nobody would even pop their head out of the fire department.

00:26:38.000 What?

00:26:39.000 Those motherfuckers fucking with me, Jack.

00:26:41.000 You think that they videotape you while you're...

00:26:44.000 You have to assume in Vegas.

00:26:45.000 Really?

00:26:45.000 They have so much liability.

00:26:47.000 I agree.

00:26:47.000 They have so much liability there to lose.

00:26:49.000 They're watching everything.

00:26:51.000 So if someone goes in and kills a hooker, they have video footage of it.

00:26:54.000 They'll pop it up somewhere.

00:26:56.000 Hold on, they have it on camera number seven, which is like a camera behind a picture.

00:26:59.000 Do you remember Ike Quartey?

00:27:01.000 No.

00:27:02.000 Ike Korte.

00:27:03.000 No, Ike Abeabuchi.

00:27:05.000 I'm sorry, not Ike Korte.

00:27:06.000 Ike Korte was a lighter weight fighter.

00:27:07.000 Ike Abeabuchi, the president.

00:27:09.000 He called himself the president.

00:27:11.000 He was a killer dude.

00:27:12.000 A big fucking scary dude who was on the way to being a heavyweight champion.

00:27:17.000 He was a crusher dude who was knocking everybody out.

00:27:20.000 But he liked to beat the fuck out of hookers.

00:27:22.000 Liked to get hookers and beat the fuck out of them and just do creepy shit to them and rape them and shit.

00:27:27.000 And so they arrested him.

00:27:29.000 He's in jail on that now.

00:27:31.000 That's illegal?

00:27:32.000 He'd done it a bunch of times.

00:27:33.000 But he did it in Vegas?

00:27:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:27:35.000 Yeah, he did it in Vegas.

00:27:38.000 Yeah.

00:27:39.000 But he was a crazy, dangerous, scary dude.

00:27:42.000 One of those just big, giant, fucking 250-pound ultra-athletes just beating the fuck out of everybody.

00:27:50.000 Everybody was terrified of Aikabe Abuchi.

00:27:53.000 I wonder when he gets out of jail.

00:27:54.000 You know, I have to also assume the airport.

00:27:58.000 The bathroom at the airport.

00:28:00.000 Really?

00:28:00.000 Yeah, I'd say that too.

00:28:01.000 I have to assume that.

00:28:02.000 And in the plane.

00:28:04.000 Yeah, and I would want them to in a way.

00:28:06.000 I'm not going to shit at the fucking airport.

00:28:08.000 That's disgusting.

00:28:10.000 And I'm sure they have technology to detect you masturbating or something.

00:28:14.000 No, it must deter something.

00:28:16.000 A warmth that the chemicals must give off or a warmth that...

00:28:19.000 Something.

00:28:20.000 I'm not really deep into chemicals and bombs and shit like that.

00:28:24.000 I'm just saying that you have to assume when you go to Vegas...

00:28:28.000 I heard a story years ago about a girl going to Vegas on her honeymoon.

00:28:33.000 A girl I grew up with went to Vegas on her honeymoon.

00:28:36.000 And five years later she went to the Poconos for her anniversary.

00:28:39.000 And she rented a porno with her husband and it was her fucking on her honeymoon in Vegas.

00:28:43.000 And they sued the casino for three or four million dollars.

00:28:46.000 This is in the 80s.

00:28:47.000 So if that was going on in the 80s, then I have another friend that I spoke to when we were in Houston, Texas.

00:28:52.000 Before he became a cop, he got busted snorting coke in the bathroom in Vegas.

00:28:57.000 And when he came out, they arrested him.

00:28:59.000 This is fucking 1981 or two.

00:29:01.000 So they were filming the toilets?

00:29:03.000 In the bathroom.

00:29:03.000 To this day, he plea bargained down.

00:29:04.000 So why are you taking a shit they're filming you?

00:29:07.000 You have to assume.

00:29:08.000 That's incredible.

00:29:09.000 You have to fucking assume that our privacy now, and at places like that, at Las Vegas, there's gotta be ultra fucking security.

00:29:17.000 I would, you know, I'd have to just, in all areas, Casinos.

00:29:21.000 I heard...

00:29:22.000 Oh, you were with me when we were talking to Alex Jones in Houston.

00:29:25.000 He was saying that in two years they want to have fucking the pat-down people at the malls and shit.

00:29:30.000 At parks.

00:29:31.000 At national parks.

00:29:32.000 You know, like PSA. Is that what you call them?

00:29:34.000 TSA. I don't fucking know.

00:29:36.000 PSA. But you have to assume that they're watching you.

00:29:42.000 I don't give a fuck.

00:29:43.000 I don't do nothing wrong.

00:29:43.000 If you want to arrest me for smoking dough and scratching my nuts, go right ahead.

00:29:47.000 That's the worst thing I fucking do.

00:29:50.000 Whatever.

00:29:52.000 It is an interesting question.

00:29:54.000 How much is your privacy worth?

00:29:55.000 Is it worth people being able to do creepy shit and get away with it?

00:29:59.000 What if one of your friends got killed and it was in a bathroom and they could have arrested the guy but there was no video camera because people were scared of the video footage?

00:30:07.000 You know, when you could say, well, hey, a guy got free because there was no evidence.

00:30:11.000 But meanwhile, if they had a camera in there, we would have caught him.

00:30:13.000 That guy would be in jail.

00:30:15.000 The streets would be safer.

00:30:17.000 Now, let me ask you this.

00:30:19.000 Let's pretend one of our friends did get killed in the bathroom.

00:30:23.000 And Vegas, the airport, wherever, we don't want to get nobody in trouble, did tape it.

00:30:27.000 Would it be admissible?

00:30:30.000 That's the other fucking thing.

00:30:31.000 I could come to you as the head detective and go, come here for a second.

00:30:34.000 There's a situation where we tape everybody.

00:30:36.000 You've always known that.

00:30:37.000 We've got the fucking guy.

00:30:39.000 We just need for you to go in, answer him, but we got the guy.

00:30:43.000 That's what you do in the chambers, right?

00:30:45.000 Like the judge's chamber.

00:30:46.000 Yeah.

00:30:46.000 You're like, all right, you guys have a situation.

00:30:48.000 Let's file him.

00:30:48.000 He killed him in the bathroom.

00:30:49.000 Is it admissible?

00:30:50.000 That's the fucking problem you have here.

00:30:53.000 So you'd have to find out what the laws are.

00:30:56.000 How did you...

00:30:57.000 Okay, I come into your house.

00:30:59.000 I think bathrooms.

00:31:00.000 I knock on your door.

00:31:01.000 Mrs. Rogan opens the door.

00:31:02.000 I smell marijuana.

00:31:03.000 That gives me the right to come, right?

00:31:05.000 You smell that?

00:31:06.000 Yeah.

00:31:07.000 Get out against the wall.

00:31:08.000 And you know why?

00:31:09.000 Because of Homeland Security.

00:31:10.000 Homeland Security.

00:31:11.000 They changed that.

00:31:12.000 You know how many fucking arrests have been for actual terrorism through Homeland Security?

00:31:17.000 It's been like 12 or 14. And the arrests for drugs have been thousands.

00:31:24.000 Thousands.

00:31:25.000 It's ridiculous.

00:31:26.000 I think the actual statistic is probably 1,500 to 12 or something like that.

00:31:31.000 So I come in here and I'm looking for...

00:31:35.000 Something.

00:31:35.000 I don't know.

00:31:36.000 I come in for the weed and when I come in here I see a t-shirt that you wore that you ripped off when I was chasing you and you stabbed the guy.

00:31:43.000 Is it admissible?

00:31:44.000 Well, if you have DNA on it.

00:31:45.000 If I came in there without a warrant though.

00:31:47.000 I'd have a warrant to come into your fucking house.

00:31:49.000 It's you and that cop against your wife's words.

00:31:52.000 You follow me?

00:31:53.000 It's a very thin fucking line.

00:31:56.000 You know, you can't go looking for something and find something else.

00:31:59.000 You know, if I say that, I'm going to go to the house 100 Liberty Street.

00:32:03.000 It's a brown house.

00:32:04.000 And when I get there, it's a blue house.

00:32:06.000 Guess what?

00:32:07.000 My warrant is fucking null and void.

00:32:09.000 Really?

00:32:09.000 Yeah, the color of the house.

00:32:11.000 It's fucking crazy, dog.

00:32:13.000 It's crazy how to the T. So even if you went into that house, if the warrant was null and void, if the house was the wrong color, but you found dead bodies and guns and...

00:32:23.000 The warrant is no fucking good.

00:32:25.000 You walk, my friend.

00:32:26.000 Whoa!

00:32:27.000 On a little technicality, on a warrant, on wording, you walk.

00:32:31.000 You fucking walk in this country.

00:32:33.000 That's how they start out Charles Bronson movies.

00:32:36.000 That's why...

00:32:36.000 That's where fucking...

00:32:37.000 Right?

00:32:37.000 Wasn't that that movie where people were walking?

00:32:40.000 Death Wish?

00:32:42.000 Didn't...

00:32:42.000 Wasn't...

00:32:43.000 There wasn't...

00:32:43.000 No, that wasn't...

00:32:44.000 No, they raped us.

00:32:44.000 But there was one movie where someone walked and Charles Bronson went after him.

00:32:48.000 The guy walked on a technicality.

00:32:50.000 Or was it Clint Eastwood?

00:32:52.000 Whatever.

00:32:53.000 It was Michael Douglas...

00:32:56.000 1981, the movie was called Star Chamber, where he played a judge in LA. Fucking brilliant movie!

00:33:02.000 And two guys are driving down the fucking street one day, and the cop pulls them off with a busted headlight, and the cop goes, I smell marijuana.

00:33:09.000 And they look in the van, and they find a kid's shoe.

00:33:12.000 So they arrest him.

00:33:13.000 They bring the fucking guy in.

00:33:14.000 Michael Douglas is the judge.

00:33:16.000 Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

00:33:18.000 Boom.

00:33:18.000 Because it was inadmissible.

00:33:20.000 Because they pulled him over for a broken headlight.

00:33:22.000 They didn't really have the right to look at the thing.

00:33:24.000 In the court, the kid's father shoots the fucking...

00:33:26.000 The cop.

00:33:28.000 It's a great story.

00:33:29.000 It's about a team of judges who have a hitman.

00:33:31.000 And whenever you beat them in court...

00:33:34.000 They come looking for you.

00:33:35.000 So six judges sit there and go, this is the case of Brian Redman.

00:33:39.000 He killed this lady, took the jewelry to a house, and when they specified the color of his house brown, the color of his house was white, he got away.

00:33:47.000 We're trying to get him.

00:33:48.000 What do you think?

00:33:50.000 Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, and the guy would go and fucking shoot you.

00:33:54.000 And then when they went after the people who killed that kid, they found out that it was the father.

00:34:00.000 So what was it called?

00:34:01.000 Star Chamber?

00:34:02.000 Star Chamber.

00:34:02.000 Michael Douglas went after the guy to tell him that he was...

00:34:05.000 1981?

00:34:06.000 1981. You know how I know, in 92, it was the first time I had HBO. And it was the classic fucking month I got it.

00:34:13.000 It was Raging Bull, Star Chamber, and Hollywood Nights.

00:34:16.000 Is it good?

00:34:17.000 Which one?

00:34:18.000 Star Chamber?

00:34:18.000 Does it hold up?

00:34:19.000 It was on ETWR about two months ago and I watched it for a little while.

00:34:25.000 It's one of those channels, you know, one of those channels on cable, you know, Showtime.

00:34:29.000 They always have Extra, Showtime Extra.

00:34:32.000 I don't fucking know, but it was on one of those ones.

00:34:34.000 Really true.

00:34:34.000 It is amazing when you go looking at it how many different channels there are.

00:34:38.000 We got 500 fucking channels.

00:34:39.000 Why do they put all the fucking HD channels way at the top and they put all the bullshit in the middle?

00:34:44.000 10 fucking thousand music.

00:34:46.000 Music fusion.

00:34:47.000 How many people use those music channels?

00:34:49.000 No one.

00:34:49.000 You ever go to someone's house and they're playing music through the TV? Only ex-girlfriends use those.

00:34:52.000 It's like, I'm vacuuming.

00:34:54.000 I like listening to 80s.

00:34:55.000 Disco Explosion ain't bad, dog, to get your party started sometimes.

00:34:58.000 Disco Explosion.

00:34:59.000 Well, they have all different call names on it.

00:35:01.000 Every different...

00:35:02.000 Well, I know there's a way to get XM radio in your house.

00:35:08.000 How do you get XM radio in your house?

00:35:09.000 Because it has to go...

00:35:10.000 You call...

00:35:11.000 I think it's a subscription.

00:35:12.000 What is it?

00:35:13.000 Do they have the satellite on your roof or something like that?

00:35:14.000 No, it just broadcast through a channel, I think.

00:35:17.000 Oh, through the internet or something?

00:35:18.000 Like a music channel.

00:35:19.000 No, the cable.

00:35:20.000 What?

00:35:21.000 Are you talking about through your cable company?

00:35:22.000 I'm talking about XM Radio.

00:35:24.000 Oh, you just get a little satellite.

00:35:24.000 How do you get satellite radio in your house, though?

00:35:26.000 How's it picking it up?

00:35:27.000 Oh, you get this little tuner that comes with it.

00:35:29.000 Or a lot of the devices now have the tuner built into the device.

00:35:32.000 Right, but is it picking up from a satellite?

00:35:33.000 Like, if you go into a tunnel, it won't work?

00:35:35.000 Is that what it is?

00:35:36.000 Right, right.

00:35:36.000 But how's it working in your house, then?

00:35:39.000 You just point it towards the direction of the house and then whatever technology goes through the walls It's not the best, but I've done it for a long time.

00:35:45.000 The whole satellite thing is kind of weird, right?

00:35:47.000 They have to throw it into orbit.

00:35:48.000 It seems kind of archaic now the way the internet is so powerful and fast It's like why would you throw it all the way up in the space and then bring it back down?

00:35:54.000 Yeah, I mean like why can't you just broadcast it through the internet?

00:35:57.000 Why do you know because they're trying to the Internet with the bandwidth of the internet that the backbone is getting even it's getting like a lot loaded lately, you know, yeah So much video transfers and stuff like that.

00:36:09.000 So satellite radio is not ones and zeros they're sending.

00:36:12.000 They're sending something on a radio frequency, so it's not bandwidth intensive.

00:36:15.000 It doesn't matter how many people are downloading it, right?

00:36:17.000 Right.

00:36:18.000 It's like a radio.

00:36:19.000 It's off the network.

00:36:20.000 It's in space or something.

00:36:21.000 I don't know.

00:36:22.000 I might even be wrong.

00:36:23.000 I don't know.

00:36:23.000 You might be wrong, right?

00:36:24.000 You don't get to too many listeners on satellite radio and then it doesn't work right.

00:36:28.000 It's not like you crash a website.

00:36:29.000 Yeah, I don't think so.

00:36:31.000 So it's different.

00:36:31.000 That's funny.

00:36:32.000 It's like TV broadcasts.

00:36:34.000 It's funny that bandwidth is a big thing.

00:36:37.000 It's like when you see a file and you go, wow, one gig?

00:36:40.000 It's going to take...

00:36:42.000 How many people are doing that at the same time?

00:36:44.000 There's a million people downloading the same one gig update to Mac OS X, and you've got to look at that and go, God damn, how much bandwidth is that?

00:36:52.000 You know what's weird is that, I think it was Sprint just released a report the other day that they just got the new iPhone on their network, and how the Droid in Motorola, they spend 30% or 40% more bandwidth than the iPhone, they've noticed.

00:37:05.000 Really?

00:37:06.000 Because of the 4G? Is that what it is?

00:37:08.000 No.

00:37:08.000 Because more people are just online.

00:37:09.000 I think the application is how they're designed.

00:37:11.000 There's more things streaming and constantly connected, I'm guessing.

00:37:14.000 Oh, that makes sense.

00:37:15.000 It's streaming because you're able to get all those different flash videos that you can't get on iPhones.

00:37:20.000 Right.

00:37:20.000 Things like that.

00:37:21.000 Those 4G phones are fucking fast, man.

00:37:25.000 Verizon's 4G? I went to the store and I fucked around with that Droid Bionic.

00:37:29.000 That thing is a slick little machine.

00:37:31.000 Yeah, if you have it in your area, it's not everywhere.

00:37:33.000 You probably won't get it here at this house.

00:37:36.000 No, I barely get it.

00:37:37.000 I barely get it.

00:37:38.000 Because I have a 4G card and I can get online with it.

00:37:40.000 But barely.

00:37:41.000 I noticed with the 4S that it's two times faster than the 4S. Yeah, but it's two times faster AT&T. AT&T sucks, dude.

00:37:52.000 It's always fucking up.

00:37:53.000 When you're in any place where it's high volume, you can't get a call, you can't make a call.

00:37:58.000 I don't have any problems anymore.

00:38:00.000 The network's diluted.

00:38:02.000 I don't think you make as many calls as I do.

00:38:03.000 When I'm in my car and I'm driving to jiu-jitsu, I'm driving to a comedy show, I'm constantly doing business in my car.

00:38:09.000 Doing business, man.

00:38:10.000 I'm a businessman, you know what I'm saying?

00:38:12.000 I'm just getting my business done.

00:38:14.000 I always have to take care of shit.

00:38:16.000 I have to deal with it.

00:38:17.000 I successfully drive from my house to your house.

00:38:19.000 On the phone?

00:38:19.000 The whole way?

00:38:20.000 The whole way.

00:38:21.000 Really?

00:38:21.000 Is this a new thing?

00:38:22.000 Did you always do that?

00:38:24.000 In the last three months, four months.

00:38:25.000 Really?

00:38:25.000 So it got better?

00:38:26.000 It's gotten a lot better.

00:38:27.000 Really?

00:38:27.000 And my data network at my house is like six megabyte download on the new iPhone.

00:38:33.000 So that's pretty crazy.

00:38:35.000 That's pretty crazy.

00:38:36.000 Yeah.

00:38:36.000 Well, when I had it, I couldn't drive to Hollywood and keep a conversation.

00:38:40.000 There was three places where it would cut out, and it would drive me fucking nuts.

00:38:43.000 I'd be like, this is Hollywood in 2011. We had Anthony Bourdain on, and he was talking about, you could be in China in the middle of the fucking woods, and you've got four bars on your phone.

00:38:51.000 They got it wired over there.

00:38:52.000 They're so advanced as far as cell phone coverage and things like that.

00:38:57.000 That drives me nuts.

00:38:58.000 The AT&T thing would drive me nuts.

00:38:59.000 And when you're at the UFC, I know this is still a fact, when there's that many people in the arena, when you're at an 18,000 seat arena and everyone jumps online, you can't get online.

00:39:08.000 You can't get online.

00:39:09.000 It doesn't work.

00:39:09.000 It just doesn't work.

00:39:10.000 It shows you you've got three bars and it won't get online.

00:39:13.000 It won't open anything.

00:39:14.000 You can't get on Twitter.

00:39:15.000 But then I get on Verizon, boop, right on.

00:39:17.000 No problems.

00:39:17.000 Right in the arena?

00:39:18.000 Yep.

00:39:19.000 Joey, you just got a new phone.

00:39:20.000 You got a Droid phone, right?

00:39:22.000 No, I got the 4S. You got the Sprint EDV 4G phone.

00:39:26.000 What's your review on it?

00:39:27.000 What would your editorial be on it?

00:39:29.000 Listen, man, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

00:39:31.000 I went online and tried to look up the directions on YouTube.

00:39:34.000 to learn how to do a couple things on it but I'm very happy number one I was getting calls inside the UFC I've always been you know I don't know what a bad phone service is because I've always had Sprint right as far as the phone is concerned I like that I get emails when I do push a bad button and end up on Twitter I'm on it Right.

00:39:52.000 I mean, I'm on fucking Twitter.

00:39:53.000 I can't believe it.

00:39:54.000 It's in my thing.

00:39:54.000 I can't see.

00:39:55.000 But the screen is fucking huge.

00:39:57.000 You know, if you really need, like, and when I get text, I get two texts.

00:40:01.000 I get a text regular size, and I hit it again, and then I get this fucking term paper.

00:40:05.000 Oh, wow.

00:40:06.000 You know, so it's pretty cool for me.

00:40:08.000 It works for me.

00:40:08.000 What's the camera like on that?

00:40:09.000 I don't know how to use it, so I'm about to come over.

00:40:11.000 That's why I called you last week.

00:40:12.000 Come over your house.

00:40:13.000 I was by your house.

00:40:14.000 How can it be hard?

00:40:15.000 It's just a camera and a phone.

00:40:16.000 It's not hard.

00:40:17.000 If I press the wrong button, I'm on fucking Albania buying fucking dresses.

00:40:21.000 I don't know what I'm doing.

00:40:22.000 I don't know what I'm doing on the website.

00:40:23.000 And I start hitting.

00:40:24.000 So I've been learning things.

00:40:26.000 I downloaded apps now.

00:40:27.000 I read my apps.

00:40:28.000 You know, I know how to do those things.

00:40:29.000 That's cool.

00:40:30.000 I say one thing.

00:40:31.000 For getting online, you can't beat that big screen.

00:40:33.000 Yeah.

00:40:33.000 It's a battery life.

00:40:35.000 What do you think about that?

00:40:36.000 It's hell.

00:40:37.000 But again, I know what abuses it.

00:40:39.000 If I get a YouTube video and look at a YouTube video when I'm in the restaurant...

00:40:43.000 That's going to kill any fucking battery.

00:40:44.000 Out of 10 spirits, what do you rate it?

00:40:46.000 10 spirits?

00:40:47.000 Yeah.

00:40:48.000 For Joey Diaz?

00:40:49.000 Yeah.

00:40:49.000 For anybody else?

00:40:50.000 I'm very content with the service.

00:40:52.000 I don't know.

00:40:52.000 I'm going to have to get my wife's iPhone and try her out and see where it gets stuck and shit like that.

00:40:58.000 That's the Sprint EVD 4G something.

00:40:59.000 No, I got the shitty one.

00:41:01.000 I got the Galaxy S. Oh, Galaxy S. But it's still the 4S. Galaxy S is a great phone.

00:41:05.000 Bro, I can't even tell you the numbers.

00:41:07.000 It is a good phone.

00:41:08.000 I get this for $80 a month with the whole fucking plan.

00:41:10.000 Yeah, that just a few months ago was the best droid phone available.

00:41:13.000 You're fucking crazy, guys.

00:41:15.000 That's cool.

00:41:15.000 So for me, I'm going to...

00:41:16.000 The Galaxy S2 was supposed to be the shit.

00:41:19.000 The Galaxy S2? This one here, the new one?

00:41:22.000 No, there's another one.

00:41:22.000 Right, the new one.

00:41:23.000 The S2. Yeah, that's what I've heard.

00:41:25.000 She told me.

00:41:25.000 Am I allowed to text you yet?

00:41:27.000 Not really.

00:41:29.000 That's a funny answer.

00:41:31.000 You're family.

00:41:34.000 You're bothering me.

00:41:35.000 Just call me up, cocksucker.

00:41:36.000 You know what the funny thing is?

00:41:37.000 I guess tomorrow, Redman, fill me in.

00:41:39.000 I know one of you guys know.

00:41:40.000 What happens tomorrow with DirecTV?

00:41:42.000 They lose Fox and everything.

00:41:43.000 Is that going on?

00:41:44.000 That usually happens until about midnight.

00:41:47.000 Is that going to happen?

00:41:49.000 I was asking you guys.

00:41:51.000 I read that UFC wasn't in jeopardy.

00:41:53.000 They didn't have to worry about it.

00:41:54.000 I don't know why you're fucking around with this DirecTV.

00:41:56.000 Just go to U-verse.

00:41:57.000 Yeah, I think I'm going to.

00:41:58.000 I think I'm going to.

00:41:59.000 It's great.

00:41:59.000 Now, isn't the other one better than you, Verse?

00:42:03.000 Verizon?

00:42:05.000 No.

00:42:06.000 Fios?

00:42:06.000 No, there's another one.

00:42:07.000 Warner Cable?

00:42:08.000 Warner Cable.

00:42:09.000 That's what I have.

00:42:09.000 No, no, no.

00:42:10.000 Shoot yourself in the mouth.

00:42:11.000 Let it slowly kill yourself.

00:42:13.000 You don't like it, John?

00:42:14.000 This is a problem.

00:42:15.000 It goes off sometimes.

00:42:16.000 It goes off.

00:42:16.000 I have to reboot it.

00:42:17.000 And we lose the podcast sometimes.

00:42:19.000 I mean, I have the highest level of cable they sell.

00:42:21.000 And, you know, a lot of times where we're uploading, they'll say low bandwidth and they'll just kick us offline.

00:42:26.000 For nothing.

00:42:27.000 And then we have to reboot.

00:42:28.000 We have to reboot it.

00:42:29.000 Plus it's owned by Warner Brothers, you know, and if you want to look at movies, you're not supposed to.

00:42:32.000 It's not that good.

00:42:34.000 It's not the best.

00:42:35.000 Maybe it's my connection.

00:42:36.000 Maybe I don't have a good connection up here because I'm kind of in the middle of nowhere.

00:42:39.000 I don't know what it is, but they told me I would get, you know, X amount download speed.

00:42:42.000 It's just not that good.

00:42:43.000 Because I've seen the shows that they lose.

00:42:45.000 If you have, like, the other day they emailed me, like, the shows I live, and one of the shows is Sons of Anarchy.

00:42:50.000 Chuck Zito must be jumping up and down, you know what I'm saying?

00:42:52.000 You lose it if, uh...

00:42:53.000 If this goes down.

00:42:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:42:55.000 Chuck Zito is at the fight.

00:42:56.000 Well, Chuck Zito, isn't he suing Sons of Anarchy?

00:42:58.000 I guess.

00:42:58.000 I don't know what it was.

00:42:59.000 He says that that was, like, his idea.

00:43:01.000 I told her.

00:43:02.000 I came up to him.

00:43:02.000 I got a bike.

00:43:03.000 I got a fucking camera.

00:43:04.000 Come on.

00:43:07.000 Yeah.

00:43:08.000 I never watched that show.

00:43:10.000 Do you watch that show?

00:43:10.000 I started watching it this year because a buddy of mine is on the show and I bumped into him after a few years.

00:43:15.000 I like that guy, Ron Perlman, is that his name?

00:43:16.000 Yeah, my friend was on it.

00:43:18.000 She says he was fucking great.

00:43:20.000 He was just a really good guy to her.

00:43:22.000 I bet he is.

00:43:23.000 He's hilarious.

00:43:24.000 That guy's good.

00:43:25.000 He's good in a lot of movies.

00:43:26.000 He was good in Drive.

00:43:27.000 Did you see Drive?

00:43:27.000 I haven't seen Drive yet, no.

00:43:29.000 Very violent, but good.

00:43:30.000 Yeah, I stopped going to the movies, guys.

00:43:32.000 After 30 years of growing up.

00:43:34.000 I still like a good car chase, a well-done car chase.

00:43:37.000 Drive at some wild car chases.

00:43:40.000 If you watch the preview, apparently, it looks like a car chase movie, like a real action movie, and some woman went to see it and sued because she felt like the previews misrepresented the film.

00:43:54.000 She didn't know it was going to be this weird, moody sort of dude with ADD or whatever the hell he's got.

00:43:59.000 It looks like he's got mild autism or Asperger's or something like that.

00:44:04.000 And he's out there killing people.

00:44:06.000 Stoically.

00:44:07.000 Cars 2 comes out on video.

00:44:08.000 You'll like that then.

00:44:09.000 Cars 2?

00:44:10.000 What is that?

00:44:11.000 New Pixar movie that came out.

00:44:14.000 It was like the worst idea ever.

00:44:15.000 I'm just saying that this lady sued.

00:44:16.000 She sued because she thought that the movie was not what she went to see.

00:44:20.000 How hilarious is that?

00:44:21.000 What a dumb bitch.

00:44:23.000 Did she win any money?

00:44:24.000 I don't know.

00:44:24.000 I don't think so.

00:44:25.000 The dumb bitch is if they pay the fucking dumb bitch.

00:44:28.000 I don't think they've settled.

00:44:29.000 I think it's just one of those things where you hear about it on the news.

00:44:31.000 It's amazing how you can sue for anything now.

00:44:33.000 Pretty much, yeah.

00:44:34.000 Like fucking anything.

00:44:35.000 Well, Ari got sued by that crazy schizo guy for being a bad lawyer.

00:44:40.000 Ari was pretending he was a lawyer to a crazy person.

00:44:43.000 You know, looking back at it, that was a really bad idea, saying that you're a lawyer.

00:44:47.000 Yeah.

00:44:48.000 You know, that's probably against the law.

00:44:49.000 I'm sure there's a law somewhere like you can't tell people you're a lawyer.

00:44:52.000 People do it every fucking day.

00:44:53.000 Yeah, but Ari's a comic.

00:44:55.000 This guy comes to a comedy club, talks to Ari at a comedy club.

00:44:59.000 After Ari gets off stage, Ari tells him he's a lawyer and he'll represent him as he's suing.

00:45:03.000 I mean, come on, man.

00:45:05.000 The real problem was the guy was crazy.

00:45:08.000 Just to the bone crazy.

00:45:10.000 That place, that comedy store is a fucking magnet.

00:45:13.000 There's a vortex there.

00:45:15.000 I don't believe in hippie shit like crystals and this is the sacred part of the universe.

00:45:20.000 This one area, let's huddle in together.

00:45:22.000 Like where I lived in Boulder, there was a circle of rocks and this lady was like this yoga lady was into this rock circle and she was telling me that, you know, You have to stand in true north and accept the universe and this is sacred land.

00:45:36.000 I don't believe in that.

00:45:37.000 But I do believe there's something about the Comedy Store.

00:45:40.000 There is something about that place where there's crazy people walking down Sunset and they stop at that place and they just...

00:45:47.000 They just start walking.

00:45:48.000 They start walking in.

00:45:49.000 That place, we met more crazy place, more crazy people at that place than any other place in Hollywood.

00:45:55.000 If you ever compare between the nuts that go to the improv and the nuts that go to the comedy store, there's no comparison, right?

00:46:02.000 It's two different fucking worlds.

00:46:04.000 Two different worlds?

00:46:05.000 Two different worlds.

00:46:06.000 I remember becoming a regular at the store and how people would say, how do you go up there?

00:46:10.000 People are scared of that place.

00:46:11.000 People are fucking scared of that place.

00:46:13.000 The consumers.

00:46:14.000 Super dark.

00:46:16.000 Playground versus treehouse.

00:46:18.000 Playground versus treehouse.

00:46:19.000 Yeah.

00:46:19.000 Comedy store is like a playground.

00:46:21.000 Any shit will happen.

00:46:22.000 It's out in the open.

00:46:23.000 Treehouse, you're kind of with the same people, but you're kind of protected.

00:46:26.000 It's more like...

00:46:28.000 You know, chill for comics.

00:46:29.000 Comedy store is where Dick Diaz would hang out and the improv is where GSP would hang out.

00:46:33.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:46:35.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:46:36.000 And I got nothing against GSP. He's just a gentleman.

00:46:38.000 He's calm.

00:46:39.000 At the comedy store, look at the fucking...

00:46:40.000 The other day we were talking about Freddie Prinze.

00:46:42.000 Freddie Prinze goes back to the comedy store and that was the 70s.

00:46:45.000 Well, prior.

00:46:46.000 You know, 21 shooting a fucking gun when they were coked up up the fucking hill with that crazy guy.

00:46:51.000 You know, this was a home of dysfunction.

00:46:54.000 The owner was fucking the comics, you know, sucking their dicks two at a time.

00:46:58.000 You know, they had a house where they did Blow and Louie Anderson and Dice and Roseanne all lived in this fucking same house at one time.

00:47:06.000 Listen to the talent in that fucking room.

00:47:08.000 I mean, you know, when you have that intensity of talent, it has to go the opposite way.

00:47:13.000 You gotta have that intensity because you're teething right on that fucking fine line of brilliance and fucking craziness.

00:47:19.000 It's somewhere in there.

00:47:21.000 It's the fucking comedy.

00:47:22.000 It's the humor.

00:47:22.000 And all that energy got sucked into the walls of that building.

00:47:27.000 Sucked into the vortex in there.

00:47:27.000 It's something that...

00:47:28.000 Yeah, that building has a feel to it.

00:47:31.000 It's amazing.

00:47:33.000 Well, you know, there's a guy named Rupert Sheldrake.

00:47:35.000 He's an evolutionary biologist who believes that everything has memory.

00:47:38.000 That everything has some sort of, like, some capability of recording the past.

00:47:45.000 And that even furniture.

00:47:46.000 That's why people love antiques, you know?

00:47:48.000 There's something not just about the fact that there's character to it, but...

00:47:52.000 It really gives off a feeling to it because it has so many memories in it of people using it.

00:47:56.000 You know, there's a rich, ancient feeling to it.

00:47:59.000 And people believe that that's the case with buildings.

00:48:02.000 You know, that buildings almost have a built-in memory.

00:48:05.000 You know, that they have something where, you know, if you...

00:48:08.000 Like, here's a perfect example.

00:48:09.000 When I was in Boulder, the JonBenet Ramsey house was for sale.

00:48:13.000 Where JonBenet and Ramsey died.

00:48:15.000 And it was a big, beautiful house, but it was cheap.

00:48:17.000 It was way cheaper than it would have ordinarily been.

00:48:20.000 And I remember talking about it with some friends, and they were like, fuck that.

00:48:26.000 I wouldn't fucking live there.

00:48:28.000 Why wouldn't you live there?

00:48:29.000 It's not like the kid's going to come back to life.

00:48:32.000 It's not like the guy's going to fuck you in the ass and knock you over the head with a rock and kill you.

00:48:36.000 No, it's already over.

00:48:37.000 The crime's been committed.

00:48:38.000 Now it's just a house.

00:48:39.000 Why would you avoid that house?

00:48:41.000 Because that house has got a memory in it, man.

00:48:43.000 We know.

00:48:45.000 Inherently, we know.

00:48:46.000 So you would never do that?

00:48:47.000 You'd never be able to live there?

00:48:49.000 No, it's like, look, I have gone in the water in places where people have drowned, you know?

00:48:54.000 Yeah, but I'm sure there's dead Indians underneath this house somewhere.

00:48:57.000 That's my point.

00:48:58.000 I have walked on ground where I'm sure someone has died, but a building, a building where someone died, you've got to plow that motherfucker over and starve from scratch.

00:49:09.000 You've got to get rid of that building.

00:49:11.000 I'm very, very fucking happy you had this conversation.

00:49:15.000 I am fucking, because I had something in my heart the last three weeks that has blown me the fuck away.

00:49:20.000 And I know I'm not retarded.

00:49:21.000 I know I'm not fucking crazy.

00:49:22.000 I went to New York to shoot that documentary about my life.

00:49:25.000 Right.

00:49:26.000 And, you know, when my mother bought that house, the deal was...

00:49:29.000 You went back to the house you grew up in?

00:49:30.000 Yeah, my mom had money.

00:49:32.000 So we had an option.

00:49:32.000 We could live in Fort Lee.

00:49:34.000 I'll never forget that house.

00:49:34.000 It was right on the George Washington fucking bridge.

00:49:37.000 Underneath, we had two fucking leopards in front of the house, white statues.

00:49:40.000 I'm like, Ma, this is the house.

00:49:42.000 The problem was, we couldn't explain where the cash was coming from.

00:49:45.000 If we took the house in North Bergen, the guy would work out some deal with the bank and we had to know about the down payment.

00:49:51.000 The problem with the house in North Bergen, they didn't tell us when we got the house.

00:49:55.000 After we moved in, somebody had hung himself.

00:49:57.000 Whoa.

00:49:58.000 Downstairs.

00:49:59.000 And the block is on an orphanage.

00:50:00.000 It's a dead-end fucking street.

00:50:02.000 Which is bad luck right fucking there.

00:50:04.000 Dead-end streets.

00:50:04.000 That's just bad.

00:50:05.000 And the end of that block was an orphanage.

00:50:07.000 Spirits.

00:50:08.000 Was a fucking orphanage.

00:50:09.000 Now, I lived in that house.

00:50:12.000 I found my mom on the floor in that house.

00:50:14.000 I mean, I grew up in that house.

00:50:15.000 I had parties.

00:50:15.000 For people who don't know, your mom died.

00:50:17.000 Yeah, in that house.

00:50:18.000 13 on acid.

00:50:19.000 14, 15 on acid.

00:50:21.000 And it's just so weird how I had great times in that house as a kid.

00:50:25.000 I can't lie to you.

00:50:25.000 A lot of laughs.

00:50:26.000 People came over.

00:50:26.000 I got my dick sucked.

00:50:27.000 I seen my first porno in the attic.

00:50:29.000 I smoked dope.

00:50:30.000 I remember after my mom died, my dad came over to me on the street and he goes, come into the car for a second.

00:50:35.000 He had a box like this.

00:50:37.000 And he lifted the box up.

00:50:39.000 And he goes, look in this box.

00:50:40.000 And there was three inches of roaches.

00:50:43.000 Not cockroaches, weed roaches.

00:50:44.000 Right.

00:50:44.000 And he looked me straight in the eye and said, you've got to stop this today.

00:50:47.000 This is bad.

00:50:48.000 We would go upstairs and in those days, five people...

00:50:50.000 Just three inches of roaches.

00:50:51.000 Dog, we would go upstairs and we were 13, five of us, and we'd buy half ounce of weed.

00:50:55.000 And in those days, weed wasn't that strong.

00:50:57.000 So you bought a half ounce, $25, you rolled 30 joints.

00:51:00.000 That's a good deal.

00:51:01.000 Because you could still sell 25 joints, get your money back inside and smoke five.

00:51:05.000 We'd smoke them all.

00:51:07.000 Five guys, we'd sit there with an eight pack of Budweiser cans and we wouldn't go home until every joint in that bag was fucking gone.

00:51:14.000 If the only way you'd go home if there was five of us and we said, alright, we'd take a joint for the morning.

00:51:18.000 So you've been getting high steady since you were how old?

00:51:23.000 Steady, Steady's Freddie.

00:51:26.000 Steady, Freddie.

00:51:27.000 Daddy, about 16. Since you were 16. But when I was 13. So, 30 plus years.

00:51:33.000 I used to be an athlete.

00:51:35.000 And with wage, run to George Washington Bridge.

00:51:38.000 But on Fridays, I had my little freak crew.

00:51:40.000 I used to do karate with Mario Diaz.

00:51:43.000 We'd do homework.

00:51:43.000 But people don't know.

00:51:44.000 There's a picture of you right behind you over to your right shoulder.

00:51:47.000 That's when you were like a fucking fit athlete.

00:51:49.000 Look at you.

00:51:50.000 You animal.

00:51:50.000 I wasn't a fucking fit athlete.

00:51:51.000 What are you talking about?

00:51:52.000 You were a goddamn football player there.

00:51:53.000 You were huge.

00:51:54.000 I'm still a fucking football player.

00:51:55.000 That's how you were when I first met you.

00:51:57.000 For people who don't know.

00:51:58.000 It was just really weird, Joe, that I would lift weights and eat carrots, and then on the weekends I had my little fucking Guinea crew, and we'd get a case of Budweiser that we'd rob off a beer truck, and we wouldn't tell nobody.

00:52:10.000 We'd have Visine and cologne.

00:52:12.000 Nobody knew that we got high.

00:52:14.000 But we were jocks.

00:52:16.000 And then my mother died, and then I didn't really like drinking, so I had to do something when I went out with these kids.

00:52:21.000 So I smoked dope.

00:52:22.000 I love drinking.

00:52:23.000 You know what I don't love?

00:52:24.000 The day after drinking.

00:52:26.000 Motherfucker, I love getting a little lit, though.

00:52:29.000 It's fun, dude.

00:52:30.000 We went to, Joey and I, after the fights, we went, oh, you didn't come up to the...

00:52:34.000 No, you went to Club Mix.

00:52:36.000 Yeah, Club Mix.

00:52:36.000 And we went up with my boy Justin from the Action Report, the guy who does the pool gambling videos.

00:52:42.000 And holy shit, we got hammered.

00:52:44.000 Woo!

00:52:45.000 We kept it coming.

00:52:46.000 We just kept those drinks coming.

00:52:48.000 Was it one of those wake up, go to the airport mornings?

00:52:51.000 Sleep for three hours, go to the airport.

00:52:53.000 That was good.

00:52:54.000 Joey got me a coffee, though.

00:52:55.000 That kept me up.

00:52:56.000 But I was telling you that we went to my mother's house, that same house.

00:52:59.000 And whenever I go to North Bergen, I always go to the cemetery, I put flowers, and I take a ride by the house.

00:53:04.000 But I never get out of the fucking car.

00:53:06.000 That's a complete different story, taking a ride and getting out of the car.

00:53:09.000 This time I actually got out of the car and went in front of the fucking garage.

00:53:13.000 And dog, it was like somebody was kicking my knees out.

00:53:16.000 It was like I was getting wheezy.

00:53:19.000 I was feeling bad.

00:53:20.000 I was feeling all those emotions because I never carried my keys on.

00:53:23.000 I'd always hide them in the back under the air conditioning and pull out and open the garage.

00:53:27.000 I was one of those kids.

00:53:29.000 Right.

00:53:30.000 And then a Cuban guy came up, and we started talking, and I told him that my mom died in the house.

00:53:34.000 And he goes, the people who live there, I'm watching the house, they're away.

00:53:37.000 You want to go in the back of the house?

00:53:38.000 And I went to the back where I played hours of basketball.

00:53:41.000 And it was over anxiety.

00:53:42.000 It wasn't even anxiety.

00:53:44.000 But I could feel the walls.

00:53:45.000 I could feel the brick walls.

00:53:47.000 Like they knew, you know, like I had been there before.

00:53:50.000 And she goes, if you want, I could open up the place, and that was too real for me.

00:53:53.000 I was like, fuck that.

00:53:55.000 No, no, I'm good.

00:53:55.000 Well, even just the emotions of being around it, even if there was no memory in the building, just the re-triggering of your past, you know, old places.

00:54:04.000 Like, you ever been around your old high school?

00:54:06.000 Please, I went in there when I went back also in grammar school, and I did everything, you know?

00:54:10.000 When I was a kid, I used to have a problem when I was, like, was...

00:54:14.000 When I was just starting to do stand-up and I was just starting to move forward with my life, I would go back to where my high school was, go back to Newton and I'd drive around and I would feel like I felt when I was going to school there.

00:54:28.000 It would make me insecure.

00:54:29.000 I would feel like I felt like when I was in high school and didn't know what my future was going to hold and was just really confused and felt like a loser.

00:54:38.000 And I would go back to high school, and it didn't matter how well I had done since high school, how many Taekwondo tournaments I had won, or how many stand-up comedy shows I had done, I still felt like a loser when I was around my high school.

00:54:49.000 It made me feel still like I was illegitimate.

00:54:51.000 I wasn't confident enough yet.

00:54:53.000 There's definitely memory to it.

00:54:55.000 If you got raped in the basement, every time you go to the basement, you'd probably be like, ugh, basements.

00:55:00.000 Yes, Brian.

00:55:01.000 But here's the main thing.

00:55:04.000 This is how I justified me failing on the plane the next day.

00:55:07.000 Because I even felt that the next day on the plane I felt really bad.

00:55:10.000 And I said, you know what, Doug?

00:55:12.000 Even if you had a childhood that was the president's son and you moved out of the White House, if you go back to the White House, you're still going to get some chills.

00:55:19.000 Your souls are in those walls.

00:55:20.000 You talk to those walls.

00:55:22.000 You went to bed quiet one night.

00:55:24.000 You cried.

00:55:25.000 Well I went back to the house where I grew up for the first time in 20 years last week.

00:55:28.000 Not last week, last month.

00:55:30.000 I was in Boston and I went back and I stood in front of the house.

00:55:34.000 It was real bizarre.

00:55:35.000 I lived in a weird section of Newton Upper Falls.

00:55:38.000 I lived, it was pretty rural for where I lived.

00:55:41.000 I lived right in front of the Charles River.

00:55:43.000 There was like a big park in front of my house and the Charles River and then essentially there was like a lot of woods behind there.

00:55:47.000 There was a lot of woods in that area.

00:55:49.000 But that's where I used to hang out when I was a kid.

00:55:51.000 And I went back there and was walking around.

00:55:53.000 There's a spot called Echo Bridge.

00:55:55.000 And my house was the house right on Echo Bridge.

00:55:57.000 It was 38 Ellis Street.

00:55:59.000 And I went back there.

00:56:01.000 It was so fucking strange.

00:56:04.000 Everything about it.

00:56:05.000 You just read all these flashbacks that start popping into my head of walking on these same streets and standing in front of the same house.

00:56:15.000 The house looks exactly the same.

00:56:16.000 My father built that house.

00:56:18.000 So it was all real weird.

00:56:19.000 I stood in the exact parking spot where I caught my friend Adam fingering this girl that I was dating.

00:56:26.000 This girl.

00:56:27.000 I was dating this girl.

00:56:28.000 I dated a lot of sluts.

00:56:32.000 And, you know, look, no offense to them.

00:56:34.000 I'm sure they were good girls, and I'm sure they're probably fucked up, which is why they were attracted to me in the first place, because I was fucked up.

00:56:41.000 But, damn, I dated a lot of girls that cheated on me.

00:56:43.000 Holy shit.

00:56:45.000 They were just whores.

00:56:46.000 I did this one girl.

00:56:47.000 She literally, everybody that tried to fuck her, fucked her.

00:56:51.000 She could not pass.

00:56:53.000 She could not pass.

00:56:54.000 She was just one of those crazy Catholic girls that was like suppressed her whole life and all you had to do was try and you were banging her.

00:57:01.000 And everybody I know banged her.

00:57:02.000 And then when I was just sort of started to date her and I got up early because I had a newspaper route and she was parked in front of my house.

00:57:11.000 This is how crazy these fucking people are.

00:57:13.000 And they're both in front of my house and he's fingering her right on the front seat.

00:57:17.000 And I slam my hand down on the hood.

00:57:19.000 And I'm like, good morning!

00:57:22.000 I go, you fucking crazy assholes.

00:57:24.000 And then I just got in my car and I drove off.

00:57:26.000 But, you know, I fucked her a bunch of times after that.

00:57:29.000 But I never took her seriously again.

00:57:30.000 You know, it was one of those like, okay, now I see.

00:57:32.000 But that happened.

00:57:33.000 That was like an overwhelming pattern over and over again where a chick would do something fucked up and then I'd never take her seriously again.

00:57:39.000 You know, a couple of times it was girls who went on spring break.

00:57:42.000 One time a girl went on spring break.

00:57:44.000 Girl, I was living with this girl.

00:57:45.000 And she came back and she was acting real weird.

00:57:47.000 I'm like, what the fuck is up with you?

00:57:48.000 Like, why are you acting so weird?

00:57:49.000 And then she had to confess that she kissed some guy.

00:57:52.000 She said, you tell me you kissed some guy when you're on spring break and you fucked some dude.

00:57:56.000 Period.

00:57:57.000 You come back all weird and say you kissed some guy, you fucked some dude.

00:58:00.000 And, you know, we had to talk about it.

00:58:02.000 But we wound up staying together.

00:58:03.000 But I never took it seriously again.

00:58:05.000 You know, and it never bothered me again.

00:58:07.000 So, like, if I had the opportunity to cheat, I'd be like...

00:58:10.000 Yeah, I wouldn't even...

00:58:13.000 It was like I was single.

00:58:15.000 It was like I had a girlfriend, but I was single.

00:58:18.000 The opportunity she came up, yeah, of course I would.

00:58:21.000 This bitch came back from spring break and she was fucking some other dude.

00:58:24.000 And one girl went to spring break.

00:58:26.000 This is my best one.

00:58:27.000 She came back with fucking rug burn on her back.

00:58:31.000 Her whole back was like, her whole lower back, you know, was just fucked up.

00:58:36.000 This dude just lit her up.

00:58:38.000 She went to Florida with her cousins or some shit, and she came back.

00:58:41.000 And when I asked her about it, she told me that she was leaning up against the fence.

00:58:45.000 She was drinking, and she was leaning up against the fence, and there was like a nail on the fence.

00:58:49.000 Which is so ridiculous.

00:58:51.000 It's such a bad lie.

00:58:53.000 And again, I couldn't prove anything, so I stayed with her, but I never took it seriously again.

00:58:58.000 I was always like, eventually, this is going to end.

00:59:01.000 This cannot go anywhere.

00:59:02.000 This is never going to be my wife.

00:59:04.000 This is never going to be the mother of my children.

00:59:06.000 This is just some crazy bitch that...

00:59:08.000 Alright, that's what happened?

00:59:09.000 Oh, you had a nail, and you just scratched it up and down your back in big six-inch swaths.

00:59:14.000 Like, whoever that guy was, he fucked the shit out of her.

00:59:17.000 Dog, I was around a lot of fucking freaky chicks in Jersey when I was growing up, but nothing beat that dirty whore I used to date from Michigan, dog.

00:59:24.000 The one that threw me out when I first met you, took my clothes and a fucking leather jacket.

00:59:28.000 That's the crazy bitch I was fucking in the ass in Seattle when I felt something hitting my dick.

00:59:32.000 So I looked at her asshole.

00:59:34.000 I stuck like two fingers like something was hitting the top of my unit.

00:59:36.000 I'm like, what the fuck is this sharp thing hitting my dick?

00:59:39.000 So I took my dick out.

00:59:40.000 She's like, ah, ah, ah.

00:59:41.000 And I just put two fingers in there.

00:59:43.000 I searched around her asshole.

00:59:44.000 And also I found like a fucking little, like a, you know when you eat a Hershey's bar with aluminum foil that's inside the Hershey's?

00:59:51.000 Like half of it.

00:59:53.000 And I took it out, but it was all wrinkled up, and it was like this was pointy over here.

00:59:56.000 And I just took it out, looked at it.

00:59:58.000 It was like kind of brownish.

00:59:59.000 I put it on the table and stuffed my dick back in there and finished up.

01:00:02.000 What?

01:00:03.000 Yeah, it was the weirdest.

01:00:04.000 And when I came, I just got up with toilet paper and picked it up.

01:00:07.000 I never said nothing to it, because how do you tell somebody to have aluminum foil on their ass?

01:00:10.000 How the fuck?

01:00:10.000 You understand?

01:00:11.000 I can say you have STD or something, but aluminum foil, how'd that get there?

01:00:15.000 Why would you ask?

01:00:16.000 It was just a little piece.

01:00:18.000 Maybe she had a piece of chewing gum.

01:00:19.000 She was a crazy fucking stripper chick, though.

01:00:22.000 I remember her.

01:00:23.000 That was the one when I first met you.

01:00:25.000 That was some of the craziest shit.

01:00:27.000 I had been with crazy women.

01:00:29.000 I had been with crazy people.

01:00:30.000 That's the first time I ever found out about sugar daddies.

01:00:34.000 She's the one that filmed me, and she's like, well...

01:00:37.000 Okay, let me tell you this story.

01:00:38.000 I have this guy that pays my bills, and I'm like, bitch, I'm getting a piece of that.

01:00:42.000 You said that you're going to get a cut?

01:00:43.000 Oh, fuck yeah, I'm getting a cut of that shit.

01:00:45.000 If he's paying you, he's fucking you, and I'm getting a piece of it.

01:00:47.000 So you were her boyfriend.

01:00:49.000 Towards the end, she was like, oh, my sugar daddy.

01:00:52.000 Towards the end?

01:00:53.000 Towards the end, like in Seattle, because after Seattle, it was the same thing like you.

01:00:56.000 You don't take them serious no more.

01:00:57.000 Right.

01:00:58.000 I didn't take it serious no more.

01:00:59.000 So you were just getting a piece?

01:01:01.000 Yeah, I was getting a piece, you know.

01:01:03.000 So you would tell her, alright, you could fuck this guy, but I gotta get some money.

01:01:06.000 I wouldn't say no.

01:01:07.000 Yeah, I would say, I'm taking a piece of it.

01:01:08.000 She'd go, you're fucking crazy.

01:01:09.000 I'm getting a fucking piece of that.

01:01:11.000 I mean, this bitch...

01:01:12.000 She would say you're fucking crazy.

01:01:13.000 I had fucked people before.

01:01:15.000 I had fucking come on people before.

01:01:17.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:01:17.000 Yeah.

01:01:18.000 But this was a different level.

01:01:20.000 This was just a different level of retardation.

01:01:23.000 Like, she would take pictures of my dick and shit.

01:01:26.000 I mean, she was fucking nuts this chick.

01:01:28.000 Yeah.

01:01:28.000 Like, I remember she would bring strippers over.

01:01:29.000 She brought this one girl over.

01:01:31.000 I just remembered this.

01:01:32.000 She brought this one girl over one day that was playing that I have a boyfriend routine.

01:01:36.000 So this girl put her together to eat her pussy and for me to fuck her from behind while she was eating her pussy.

01:01:40.000 But the girl wouldn't let me see her pussy because she had a boyfriend.

01:01:44.000 I'm like, only a stripper would do that.

01:01:46.000 She's like, she can see my titties, because if he comes to the club, he can see my titties, but I have a boyfriend, I don't want him to really see my pussy.

01:01:51.000 So my girlfriend's eating her fucking monkey, and I'm pumping my girlfriend from behind, I'm trying to catch a piece of this fucking monkey, she was a hot little Jap girl, that was pretty fucking, I couldn't catch a fucking monkey.

01:02:01.000 She wouldn't let you look at it.

01:02:02.000 No, that's the people she brought over, like crazy shit, like It was just crazy.

01:02:08.000 The sugar daddy came to Michigan.

01:02:09.000 Here I am, dirty, crazy.

01:02:11.000 He goes to Michigan to fist fight me.

01:02:13.000 So that's the time I got arrested for beating her up.

01:02:15.000 That's the deal.

01:02:16.000 I didn't beat her up.

01:02:17.000 I was beating him up.

01:02:18.000 She jumped in.

01:02:19.000 I pushed her out.

01:02:20.000 The next thing I know, I'm beating up this fucking broad.

01:02:22.000 But once you have that shit on you, you can't get rid of that.

01:02:25.000 Everything you do involves that domestic violence thing.

01:02:28.000 Everything the fuck you do.

01:02:30.000 So the sugar daddy showed up.

01:02:31.000 Showed up at the comedy underground.

01:02:34.000 And was like coked up and drunk.

01:02:36.000 He looked like Anthony Bourdain, the sugar daddy.

01:02:38.000 Fucked up!

01:02:39.000 I'm gonna fuck you up.

01:02:40.000 At the time, I'm like, I'm gonna beat this motherfucker and take his money.

01:02:44.000 You know me.

01:02:44.000 I was in Seattle at the time.

01:02:46.000 So did she rat you out?

01:02:48.000 No!

01:02:49.000 They had witnesses.

01:02:50.000 No, no.

01:02:50.000 How did this guy find out about you?

01:02:54.000 She ratted me out, whatever, I'm dating him, and he's like, I'm coming back to get you.

01:02:58.000 I'm fighting for your honor.

01:02:59.000 Oh, no.

01:03:00.000 One of those things.

01:03:01.000 Yeah, though, he showed up, yeah.

01:03:03.000 And so he was just getting some pussy for money, and he thought they were in love.

01:03:07.000 Please, to this day, he still calls her and sends her money.

01:03:11.000 She's 40, I'm 48, she's 43, still stripping in Tampa.

01:03:17.000 Oh, my God.

01:03:18.000 Still shaking, and she's a millionaire.

01:03:20.000 She just bought her 10th Curbs gym.

01:03:23.000 Really?

01:03:23.000 10. She has a franchise fucking thing up and down Michigan.

01:03:26.000 And she's still stripping?

01:03:27.000 Still stripping because she's a filthy fucking bore.

01:03:31.000 She sucks a dick for 100 and she'll fuck you for 200 at the strip club.

01:03:35.000 Really?

01:03:35.000 Today.

01:03:36.000 She even told me when she goes, I'm a little sick because I sucked the guy's cock with no condom the other day.

01:03:40.000 I was done.

01:03:41.000 Oh my god.

01:03:43.000 She calls me every time she sees me on TV or something.

01:03:46.000 So she calls you and she just gives you the full call?

01:03:48.000 Oh, I just laugh my ass off.

01:03:50.000 This is like the craziest thing in my life now.

01:03:52.000 I play with cats, you know what I'm saying?

01:03:54.000 I go, you sound sick.

01:03:55.000 I suck some guy's dick with no condom.

01:03:57.000 I feel a little scratch in my throat.

01:03:59.000 Oh my god.

01:04:00.000 She's a cold shot through his dick.

01:04:03.000 Yeah, she goes to the PTA. She's in the PTA. The whole thing.

01:04:07.000 Two kids.

01:04:08.000 Takes them to Disneyland.

01:04:09.000 The whole fucking thing.

01:04:10.000 Oh my god.

01:04:11.000 Wasn't she dating some black karate guy or some shit?

01:04:14.000 That's the guy that tied her up and held a shotgun to her head.

01:04:16.000 This motherfucker shot me.

01:04:25.000 This motherfucker found out she was sucking 10,000 dicks and said, I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes.

01:04:30.000 He came back with a cigar, a bottle of tequila, and a rope.

01:04:34.000 Oh no.

01:04:35.000 And he tied her up and he looked at the bitch and he goes, when this bottle of tequila's gone, I'm fucking shooting you and I'm slipping my wrist.

01:04:42.000 Whoa.

01:04:43.000 So he had her by Eddie's old school.

01:04:45.000 All right.

01:04:45.000 Oh, my God.

01:04:46.000 Ted Planet La Brea.

01:04:48.000 The old one.

01:04:49.000 Yeah.

01:04:49.000 Down that block.

01:04:50.000 And right there, if you make the left, is the Chinese theater.

01:04:53.000 Mm-hmm.

01:04:53.000 Right there.

01:04:54.000 So some cop is driving by and he sees him in the window.

01:04:57.000 This is a true story.

01:04:58.000 With a gun to her head.

01:04:59.000 The windows open.

01:05:00.000 He's like, I'm going to kill you.

01:05:01.000 I love you.

01:05:01.000 He was pulling the same thing from, what's that movie, Playboy 21, that they shot her with the fucking best role of his life.

01:05:09.000 Fuck the one with Mickey Rourke.

01:05:12.000 What was the one that the chick, the playmate?

01:05:13.000 Star 80. Eric Roberts?

01:05:14.000 Yeah, Eric Roberts.

01:05:15.000 That's his best fucking movie.

01:05:17.000 Star 80. Yeah, he puts a shotgun on her pussy and shit, and then when she's dead, he fucks her in the machine.

01:05:21.000 What?

01:05:22.000 You never watch Star 80?

01:05:23.000 Damn, I don't think so.

01:05:24.000 Oh, my God.

01:05:24.000 He fucked her while she was dead?

01:05:25.000 That's a true story.

01:05:27.000 After he killed what's-her-name, he built machines to weightlift, but he also built machines to fuck women on.

01:05:32.000 So he made this bench, and he cut the back of the bench down, and he would.

01:05:35.000 so you could put your legs on your knees and he could fuck you from behind so it would just open then he would strap your legs and that dude was a sick because that's what he was trying to do all for her he was trying to sell the star 80 sex machine whoa that's what that movie was about?

01:05:49.000 It's about Eric Roberts and that chick.

01:05:51.000 He was fucking creepy in that.

01:05:52.000 And then I did some looking up into it.

01:05:54.000 That guy was fucking nuts over that bitch.

01:05:57.000 The real guy in the real story?

01:05:58.000 Yeah, the real guy was crazy.

01:05:59.000 They wouldn't let him in the Playboy Mansion.

01:06:01.000 And then she was fucking somebody famous.

01:06:03.000 Like a director, you know.

01:06:05.000 This is the plot of the movie Star 80. No, this is a real story in real life.

01:06:08.000 If you look it up, wherever she was fucking, she was fucking a famous director.

01:06:12.000 Who was it based on?

01:06:13.000 It was based on...

01:06:15.000 Check it out, Brian.

01:06:15.000 The girl from Canada, he was doing wet t-shirt contests.

01:06:19.000 And he signed her, told her, got some pictures of her, got her in Playboy, moved to L.A. They were living the fucking dream, you know, F's.

01:06:25.000 Then he married her.

01:06:26.000 You know, he was a fucking mooch.

01:06:28.000 Right.

01:06:28.000 He married her, but he was trying to marry, and every week he'd come to her and go, I got a new idea, Joe Rogan.

01:06:32.000 How about we do the Joe Rogan tester pad, you know?

01:06:36.000 Every week he came to her, new scams.

01:06:38.000 Right.

01:06:38.000 These were the scams he was doing.

01:06:39.000 Then when she divorced him, she gave money and said, you could keep doing this dumb shit.

01:06:43.000 Then he invited her over or something, and that's when he fucking iced her.

01:06:46.000 Really?

01:06:47.000 But he banged her after she was dead, then he shot himself, dog.

01:06:51.000 That's a sick motherfucker right there.

01:06:53.000 There's a lot of people that are like that close to killing themselves in Hollywood.

01:06:57.000 Just that close.

01:06:59.000 There's a lot.

01:07:00.000 Bro, think of how many people lose it over women.

01:07:02.000 Yeah.

01:07:03.000 You know, really fucking lose it like that.

01:07:05.000 That's a...

01:07:05.000 Yeah, a lot.

01:07:07.000 Well, you know what it's like?

01:07:09.000 It's like if you only have a dollar and someone takes your dollar, it's goddamn devastating.

01:07:13.000 But if you, you know, make $100 an hour and somebody takes your dollar, you're like, I can make another $100 in an hour.

01:07:19.000 What's the big deal?

01:07:20.000 You know what I mean?

01:07:21.000 It's like when you have a, for most guys, the currency of pussy is just overwhelmingly expensive.

01:07:27.000 It's overwhelming, it's really hard, really hard to get laid.

01:07:31.000 For the average guy.

01:07:32.000 For the average guy.

01:07:33.000 So you get a good one.

01:07:34.000 You get a hot piece of ass.

01:07:36.000 You get a hot bitch that you're really attracted to and you love her and then your emotions get tied up in her and then she wants to dump you and she wants to leave you and that's your everything.

01:07:44.000 That's everything you got.

01:07:45.000 Everything you got in the world is this chick.

01:07:47.000 That's the best thing you got going for you.

01:07:49.000 We've all met guys like that.

01:07:50.000 You ever met that one guy who's like not so good looking but he's got this hot bitch and she's just one of those girls that wants a guy who's not going anywhere.

01:08:00.000 Yeah, she's one of those girls who wants a guy that she knows that she could wrap around.

01:08:04.000 She just tapped out.

01:08:05.000 She said, I'm not playing games no more at my age.

01:08:07.000 I don't want this shit no more.

01:08:08.000 Brian, what are you doing over there, buddy?

01:08:09.000 I was trying to look up that movie.

01:08:11.000 What is it about?

01:08:13.000 Who was the other girl?

01:08:14.000 Eric Roberts and who was the girl?

01:08:17.000 I haven't found it yet.

01:08:18.000 There's so many stories like that, right?

01:08:19.000 Of a guy going nuts over a chick.

01:08:21.000 Hey, in the 6th grade, bro.

01:08:22.000 That's why I got left back.

01:08:23.000 Over New Yorker Reese's pussy, dog.

01:08:25.000 That pussy sent me for a loop in the 6th grade.

01:08:27.000 The 6th grade.

01:08:28.000 Because, you know, when you're a kid, you always see pussy and Playboy pictures and shit.

01:08:32.000 Right.

01:08:32.000 When you see that shit up close and personal, that's the real deal, dog.

01:08:35.000 I couldn't even think.

01:08:37.000 I quit karate.

01:08:38.000 Really?

01:08:38.000 I stopped talking to my friends.

01:08:40.000 Just banging her.

01:08:41.000 Just banging.

01:08:42.000 Dry humping.

01:08:42.000 I started dry humping.

01:08:43.000 I was sucking on her little funnel titties.

01:08:45.000 And then once I got...

01:08:46.000 She told me she wouldn't give me...

01:08:47.000 She told me she wouldn't give me a piece of pussy till the day...

01:08:50.000 First day after school.

01:08:51.000 Really?

01:08:52.000 I couldn't wait till that last day of fucking sixth grade.

01:08:54.000 But my grades were so low.

01:08:56.000 Like, I always had great grades just from going in there listening.

01:08:59.000 I didn't even have to fucking study.

01:09:00.000 But all that was on my mind was banging this chick for three months.

01:09:04.000 My parents caught me with her in the closet at that house, naked.

01:09:08.000 It was fucking horrible.

01:09:09.000 They would make me go to the bar afterwards.

01:09:11.000 My own mom cock-blocked me.

01:09:13.000 And then finally had to go to summer school.

01:09:15.000 If you miss summer school three days, they leave you back.

01:09:19.000 I fucking even cut summer school.

01:09:21.000 Fuck it, this pussy sucks.

01:09:22.000 By that time, she was giving me the pussy.

01:09:24.000 I didn't know what I was doing.

01:09:24.000 I was just looking at it and licking it.

01:09:26.000 I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

01:09:28.000 I was just doing little licks at it.

01:09:30.000 I was hoping it wouldn't eat me.

01:09:31.000 Do you remember when you first started actually having sex?

01:09:33.000 How often you would have sex?

01:09:35.000 It was ridiculous.

01:09:36.000 And when you met a woman, you didn't care about conversation.

01:09:39.000 When I was 18, I didn't even want you to talk to me.

01:09:41.000 I just wanted to fuck, suck, and throw you the fuck out.

01:09:44.000 You barely had anything in common.

01:09:47.000 No class.

01:09:47.000 Barely could communicate about anything.

01:09:49.000 Nothing.

01:09:50.000 Nothing.

01:09:50.000 It was horrible.

01:09:51.000 What a horrible fucking way to live as a fucking man.

01:09:54.000 Horrible.

01:09:54.000 Yeah, it's devastating, right?

01:09:56.000 I fucked in the weirdest places when I was young.

01:09:59.000 I fucked behind a Catholic school.

01:10:00.000 Oh my God.

01:10:01.000 I got in trouble all the time over dumb shit like that.

01:10:05.000 I remember one time I banged Renee Frank behind McKinley school.

01:10:07.000 I was in the 8th grade.

01:10:08.000 She was a sophomore.

01:10:09.000 But I fucked her backwards.

01:10:11.000 I fucked her and then I ate her monkey.

01:10:13.000 I didn't know she was a virgin.

01:10:14.000 You fucked her and then you ate her pussy.

01:10:16.000 I didn't know what I was doing, dog.

01:10:17.000 I didn't know the fucking progress.

01:10:19.000 I fucked her and then I ate her pussy but it was cold out.

01:10:22.000 So the blood froze on my face.

01:10:24.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:10:24.000 I had those hairs.

01:10:25.000 I went home, my mother was like, who are you, the wolf man?

01:10:27.000 But then, her fucking family hated Spix.

01:10:31.000 They were German.

01:10:32.000 They fucking hated Spix with a passion.

01:10:35.000 Her brother wouldn't even talk to me in the courts.

01:10:37.000 And one night I got her on her balcony.

01:10:39.000 Because after I fucked her, she loves Spix.

01:10:40.000 You understand me?

01:10:41.000 I was licking that bloody monkey.

01:10:43.000 She fell in love with the Cuban.

01:10:45.000 And I had her outside when I finger-banging her hard.

01:10:47.000 And all of a sudden, you know when you look?

01:10:49.000 I had her on the stairs.

01:10:50.000 I'm finger-banging, but I'm looking at the people on the street.

01:10:53.000 Her father was right behind me, dawg.

01:10:55.000 Watching you finger her?

01:10:56.000 Fuck Joe Rogan coming out of all the papers.

01:10:59.000 And he goes, are you through yet?

01:11:01.000 Oh my God.

01:11:02.000 And I fucking walked off the balcony and I'd never seen her ever again.

01:11:05.000 You should have slapped her.

01:11:06.000 Are you fucking kidding me, though?

01:11:08.000 She had three brothers that were fucking gorillas.

01:11:10.000 I'm surprised I'm still here living, though.

01:11:12.000 Oh my God.

01:11:13.000 The father caught you.

01:11:14.000 Oh my God, it's red.

01:11:16.000 You have no.

01:11:18.000 And then when I caught playing hooky with that girl, the sixth grade, I think, because we used to go to school and then take off in the afternoons.

01:11:24.000 I'd go to shop, right?

01:11:25.000 I'd steal like a bottle of blackberry brandy.

01:11:28.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:11:28.000 We'd drink a few swigs.

01:11:29.000 She'd let me suck her little titties.

01:11:31.000 They'd call.

01:11:32.000 My mother was never home in the daytime.

01:11:33.000 The one day my mother's home, they'd fucking call.

01:11:35.000 So me and this girl lived Caddy House.

01:11:38.000 There was a house behind mine, next to her, so I could just jump the fence out of the corner and be in the house.

01:11:42.000 Right.

01:11:43.000 A window's open, and my mom's a fucking spick fuck.

01:11:46.000 She's out there yelling and screaming, puta!

01:11:50.000 My mother is next door and she's like, that's what happens ever since your daughter's been hanging out with my son.

01:11:55.000 They stay up in that fucking room and they fuck all afternoon.

01:11:59.000 You must have taught them how to suck dick.

01:12:01.000 It was killing my mother.

01:12:02.000 It was killing her.

01:12:03.000 It was killing her so much she even brought my uncle from California one day because they couldn't figure out what I was doing in the room.

01:12:09.000 So my uncle They couldn't figure it out.

01:12:11.000 No, they were like, what the fuck's he doing?

01:12:13.000 Let's go see what he's doing.

01:12:14.000 So my stepfather, my mother, my uncle came to my house.

01:12:17.000 My uncle put a ladder in the back of the house.

01:12:19.000 He tried to climb up and shit.

01:12:21.000 Meanwhile, I'm dry humping.

01:12:22.000 I think I'm rocking the fucking world.

01:12:23.000 The ladder fell.

01:12:25.000 He's down there.

01:12:26.000 Adios mio.

01:12:27.000 Adios mio.

01:12:28.000 His leg fucking broke.

01:12:29.000 They're going to take him to the hospital.

01:12:30.000 I come out.

01:12:31.000 What's going on?

01:12:31.000 They're like, we're fixing paint.

01:12:33.000 I busted them right out.

01:12:34.000 A week later, my mother's like, we're going to get you.

01:12:36.000 The thing you did to my brother, we're going to get you, you little motherfucker.

01:12:39.000 The thing you did to your brother?

01:12:40.000 You did something.

01:12:40.000 Well, my mother blamed it on me because they were going up there.

01:12:43.000 She blamed it on you because this motherfucker doesn't know how to climb a ladder?

01:12:45.000 Fucking hysterical.

01:12:47.000 Do you understand me?

01:12:47.000 What I went through with this New Yorker Ariza girl.

01:12:50.000 Now she's on Facebook and she won't talk to me.

01:12:55.000 Here's the fucked up thing, right?

01:12:56.000 Like two years after that.

01:12:57.000 She's on Facebook!

01:12:58.000 I messaged her twice.

01:13:00.000 I even fucking farmed her.

01:13:02.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:13:03.000 Farm filter.

01:13:05.000 How come she won't talk to you?

01:13:07.000 But here's the deal.

01:13:07.000 What happened was, when she was in the eighth grade, we weren't dating no more.

01:13:12.000 We were friends.

01:13:13.000 We all played together on the street.

01:13:15.000 And I had this kid, Valentin Farrow.

01:13:17.000 You know the mechanic on the block?

01:13:18.000 Yeah.

01:13:19.000 I had this kid.

01:13:20.000 This kid was brilliant.

01:13:20.000 You brought him a stolen bicycle within ten minutes.

01:13:23.000 It was all duped up.

01:13:24.000 Banana bar.

01:13:25.000 You couldn't find that fucking serial number on there, even if you wanted to.

01:13:28.000 But every day when I come out, he'd go, Coco, ride this bike.

01:13:31.000 Tell me if it needs any help.

01:13:33.000 Hey, Coco, ride this bike.

01:13:34.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:13:34.000 So I would get on the bike ride and go, bro, the pedals, you got to put more oil on the fucking pedals that don't maneuver right.

01:13:38.000 So I went around to Charles Court and we were playing football and I put the bicycle on the fucking floor.

01:13:43.000 So we're playing football, and she's on the block with her girlfriend.

01:13:46.000 She picks up the bicycle, dog.

01:13:48.000 Gets on and starts driving the bicycle down the block.

01:13:51.000 Charles Court was a loop, a complete loop.

01:13:53.000 You know those streets?

01:13:54.000 It's not a cul-de-sac.

01:13:55.000 You go in and have the island in the middle.

01:13:57.000 Right.

01:13:57.000 It was a loop.

01:13:58.000 So she went on this way, and we were going to catch her on this way.

01:14:01.000 So me and my buddies were going to catch her over here, and as we're going for the bike, she twist the handlebars and went over and fell.

01:14:07.000 She fell.

01:14:08.000 She got up.

01:14:09.000 She said she was okay.

01:14:10.000 She goes, I'm fine.

01:14:11.000 We said, you sure?

01:14:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:14:13.000 We were like giggling, you know?

01:14:14.000 When somebody falls when you're in the fucking seventh grade, you giggle.

01:14:17.000 She went inside.

01:14:18.000 The next day we went to school and they pulled me on.

01:14:19.000 They go, you hear what happened to your girlfriend?

01:14:21.000 She's got a blood clot in her fucking brain.

01:14:22.000 Because when she hit the thing.

01:14:24.000 Whoa.

01:14:24.000 So I went to the hospital, whatever, what happened?

01:14:26.000 They were like, no, she got blood clot.

01:14:28.000 A couple days later, the brother heard that, you know, something had happened.

01:14:32.000 So he came to me and he goes, bro, what happened that day?

01:14:34.000 I just want to know.

01:14:35.000 And it was me and my, all the buddies were there, her girlfriend.

01:14:37.000 We were all there.

01:14:38.000 She went away from the bicycle and went over into like weeds and shit.

01:14:42.000 But she must, she wasn't bleeding or nothing, bro.

01:14:44.000 She must just hit her head.

01:14:45.000 She just hit her head.

01:14:47.000 So, he always had like this, me and him never got along.

01:14:50.000 I mean, he knew I was banging his fucking sister.

01:14:51.000 He heard all the stories.

01:14:53.000 So, it was the weirdest Cuban house.

01:14:54.000 These motherfuckers were real spakes.

01:14:56.000 The father and the mother had broken up, but he was Cuban.

01:14:59.000 He ain't leaving nowhere.

01:15:00.000 You gotta take me out with bazookas.

01:15:01.000 This is my fucking house.

01:15:03.000 So he stayed in the house?

01:15:04.000 He lived in the basement.

01:15:05.000 Built his own fucking apartment in the basement.

01:15:07.000 Wouldn't even talk to him.

01:15:08.000 Even a little hood.

01:15:09.000 So when he walked in, he didn't have to look at their faces.

01:15:11.000 This is my house.

01:15:12.000 Mi house!

01:15:13.000 Yo pagué por esta casa, sabe?

01:15:15.000 Mi house!

01:15:15.000 I don't go nowhere.

01:15:17.000 My house.

01:15:17.000 And he wouldn't talk to the family.

01:15:19.000 He wouldn't talk to the family.

01:15:20.000 He wouldn't talk to the girl.

01:15:22.000 He would just talk to the boy.

01:15:23.000 He had a Corvette, you know, the whole fucking deal.

01:15:25.000 He thought it was bad for the bump.

01:15:26.000 So did the wife date new guys?

01:15:28.000 No.

01:15:29.000 The guy would go fucking crazy.

01:15:30.000 He'd stab motherfuckers.

01:15:31.000 The mother lived there.

01:15:32.000 The whole family lived there.

01:15:33.000 Nice house.

01:15:33.000 She was like a doctor, bro.

01:15:34.000 They had money.

01:15:35.000 These people had dough.

01:15:36.000 That's hilarious.

01:15:37.000 But the funny thing was that I had gotten punished at that time.

01:15:40.000 And me and this kid, Albie, were at war.

01:15:42.000 Like I kept hearing, I'll be once and give you a hard time and shit.

01:15:45.000 So I told my stepdad one day, I go, Dad, this is what's going on, those people, that girl, and he goes, fuck them, don't worry about it, right?

01:15:51.000 So one day, me and my dad, and that's the first vision I got when I went in front of the house, I had a shoot, and I was explaining to people about the house.

01:15:58.000 And we had like a little garden in the front and the stairs.

01:16:02.000 And my dad would never hide guns in the house.

01:16:04.000 He would always hide them around.

01:16:05.000 Like if he came here to visit you, he would come a day early and put a gun outside.

01:16:09.000 Just in case something happened.

01:16:10.000 Like he was one of those dudes.

01:16:11.000 Hide a gun in a shack.

01:16:12.000 He's a bad motherfucker.

01:16:13.000 This guy used to hide all the guns in his, you know, like up the block and in his fucking plants, under the plants.

01:16:20.000 But he had a gun hidden.

01:16:21.000 I never knew this growing up.

01:16:22.000 I would mow that lawn.

01:16:23.000 That's how good of a hider he was.

01:16:24.000 He was great.

01:16:25.000 Brilliant.

01:16:25.000 You'd mow that lawn.

01:16:26.000 He had guns tucked away.

01:16:27.000 Guns tucked under the fucking lawn.

01:16:29.000 I couldn't even see him.

01:16:30.000 So one day we're out there with the fucking lawn.

01:16:32.000 He's out there all spicked up with his white t-shirt and his big gold chain and white shorts and white shoes.

01:16:37.000 And I'm out there mowing, sweating.

01:16:38.000 And he wouldn't even do the lawn bag.

01:16:40.000 He would make me open the bag like this and he would pour the fucking shit in, you know, like to torment me.

01:16:45.000 So I see the white Corvette pull up and it's, I'll be in his father.

01:16:50.000 And I'm like, Dad, this is the fucking guy that was busting my balls about the New Yorker, you know?

01:16:54.000 He came out.

01:16:55.000 I'll never forget that.

01:16:56.000 My dad just looked at him, walked into the garden, came out with the fucking.45, and he didn't even point it at him.

01:17:02.000 And there were people outside barbecuing, people out there playing, talking.

01:17:05.000 Nobody's seen the gun.

01:17:07.000 He just had it on his side, and he went, what's up?

01:17:09.000 They looked at him.

01:17:10.000 They walked three steps back, but didn't even turn to him.

01:17:13.000 They got back in that Corvette, and I've never seen that motherfucker again.

01:17:16.000 I seen him in 93 at a Super Bowl party.

01:17:19.000 How many different times have you seen people pull guns?

01:17:24.000 Fifteen.

01:17:26.000 How many shoot?

01:17:27.000 Three, four.

01:17:28.000 Three or four?

01:17:30.000 Wow.

01:17:30.000 It's a fucked up feeling when you see a gun pull out because even if it's not pointed at you, dog, you think that's it.

01:17:37.000 That's the end of the party.

01:17:38.000 Anything can happen.

01:17:39.000 Anything can happen.

01:17:39.000 That's the end of the party because it's not the guy with the gun.

01:17:42.000 It's the people that charge him and how easy a trigger is half the time.

01:17:45.000 You see, dog, I hear a gun.

01:17:47.000 Unless the dude standing in front of him got something to do with me, you never see these fat little legs move that fast.

01:17:52.000 You ever see those videos online where dudes are brawling in a hip-hop party?

01:17:57.000 And then someone just yells, gun!

01:17:59.000 Boom, boom.

01:18:00.000 And then it just scatters.

01:18:01.000 And you hear the gunshots, and you see the flash, white towels everywhere.

01:18:05.000 I got nothing against shooting somebody if they're the person.

01:18:08.000 It's unnecessary people that go down.

01:18:10.000 And that's what kills me, a kid playing on the street.

01:18:12.000 You want to shoot somebody, go in that fucking house and shoot him.

01:18:14.000 If that's what you think, wait for 911 and do what you need to do.

01:18:17.000 I ain't mad at you.

01:18:19.000 What?

01:18:19.000 It's the people that fucking, hey dog, in life sometimes people, you know, people lose their fucking mind.

01:18:24.000 I knew a kid one time that some guy on the street hit this kid in New Orleans.

01:18:26.000 He went in his house, got a gun and shot the motherfucker and waited for the cops.

01:18:29.000 What are you gonna do?

01:18:30.000 There's people that feel that way about life.

01:18:32.000 You know in the South, that's why I love the fucking South.

01:18:34.000 That's why I love it.

01:18:36.000 Did you see that thing with B.J. Penn and Matt Hughes?

01:18:39.000 He was shooting a 50mm Smith& Wesson.

01:18:42.000 If I could have a 50mm Smith& Wesson in my fucking car, I'd walk around with my dick out!

01:18:48.000 Yeah, he doesn't live in the South, though.

01:18:48.000 He lives in Illinois.

01:18:49.000 That's the South!

01:18:51.000 That's good as that!

01:18:52.000 Listen, Chicago is Chicago.

01:18:55.000 Illinois is rural as fuck.

01:18:56.000 Illinois is rural as fuck.

01:18:58.000 Yeah, it's country.

01:18:59.000 It's country, you know what I'm saying?

01:19:00.000 It's country, so...

01:19:01.000 It's still kind of the South.

01:19:03.000 It has that flame.

01:19:03.000 Do you know who has a.50 caliber gun?

01:19:05.000 Who?

01:19:06.000 Anthony from Opie and Anthony.

01:19:07.000 He's got a.50 caliber fucking gun that he has to go to specific places to shoot because you can't shoot it in most places.

01:19:12.000 No.

01:19:13.000 But the round is like your fucking fist, man.

01:19:15.000 It's goddamn cannonball.

01:19:16.000 You're crazy.

01:19:16.000 You don't need that, but you do need it.

01:19:18.000 You don't need it, but you do need it just in case shit goes down.

01:19:22.000 Just knowing that you can get one of those and shoot a person with that.

01:19:25.000 Holy fuck.

01:19:27.000 That's our fucking right to bear arms.

01:19:29.000 It's the fucking people who ruined it.

01:19:30.000 I believe in that right.

01:19:32.000 I love Colorado to make my day law.

01:19:34.000 I'm sitting here talking to Brian here, check out my window.

01:19:39.000 Once I see that light coming through the window, watch this.

01:19:42.000 Boom!

01:19:43.000 And I call 911. What happened?

01:19:45.000 You didn't have a chance to pull.

01:19:46.000 Why would I? It's to make my day law.

01:19:47.000 I'm inviting motherfuckers.

01:19:48.000 I'll put a purse in the window.

01:19:50.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:19:50.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:19:52.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:19:53.000 It's to make my day law, bitch.

01:19:54.000 Like a carrot.

01:19:55.000 Yeah, you know.

01:19:56.000 You should have the right to protect yourself.

01:19:57.000 You have the right to fucking bear arms in this country.

01:19:59.000 You hear what's going on with the ATF now?

01:20:00.000 That they're trying to pee people with medical marijuana licenses.

01:20:03.000 You're not allowed to buy new guns anymore.

01:20:05.000 That's why you quit, right?

01:20:07.000 Yes.

01:20:09.000 Yeah, I got so many messages.

01:20:11.000 Again, you got pro and con for that.

01:20:14.000 Again, I got an argument I know for that.

01:20:16.000 I don't have an argument at all.

01:20:17.000 There's no argument for that.

01:20:19.000 They're just trying to slowly choke out medical marijuana.

01:20:22.000 And the only reason they're trying to do it is because of the fucking pharmaceutical companies.

01:20:25.000 Those cunts.

01:20:27.000 You know, this is not a representative government anymore.

01:20:29.000 They represent pharmaceutical companies and giant corporations.

01:20:32.000 That's who they represent.

01:20:32.000 They don't represent the people anymore.

01:20:34.000 And people have inalienable rights.

01:20:36.000 And one of them is the right to bear arms.

01:20:38.000 And a lot of people associate that with right-wing wackos and this and that.

01:20:41.000 And you know what?

01:20:42.000 A lot of it is because you never had your ass kicked.

01:20:44.000 You never met crazy people.

01:20:46.000 You don't respect the idea of hunting.

01:20:50.000 For whatever reason.

01:20:51.000 All those reasons are invalid.

01:20:54.000 Because I know a lot of crazy motherfuckers and you would want to have a gun.

01:20:57.000 If you knew some of the people that I knew and I've met, you'd want to have a gun.

01:21:01.000 And if you knew some of the people that you met, you'd want to have a fucking gun.

01:21:04.000 There's nothing wrong with, you can't fix the whole world all at once.

01:21:07.000 And until that, you gotta be able to defend yourself.

01:21:10.000 Handguns were made for killing.

01:21:13.000 There ain't no good for nothing else.

01:21:17.000 And if you like to drink your whiskey, you might even shoot yourself.

01:21:25.000 Good googly moogly.

01:21:26.000 And again, the guy says it.

01:21:28.000 If you drink whiskey, when was the last time you smoked a joint and said, you know what?

01:21:31.000 Yeah.

01:21:31.000 I feel like shooting Brian today.

01:21:33.000 Yeah.

01:21:34.000 That would only happen if you drank tequila and shit like that, or whiskey.

01:21:37.000 Not Brian.

01:21:37.000 I have this argument.

01:21:38.000 They said that I'm wrong about the tequila thing.

01:21:40.000 Get the fuck out of here!

01:21:42.000 Was it on this podcast?

01:21:43.000 Yeah, I was talking about how tequila makes me evil and angry.

01:21:47.000 Well, it's a stimulant.

01:21:49.000 Really?

01:21:50.000 Well, some people have this feeling that alcohol is alcohol.

01:21:54.000 I think that there's different effects.

01:21:57.000 For me, when I drink wine, I have a more relaxed sort of a feeling.

01:22:01.000 Wine relaxes me.

01:22:02.000 It might be horseshit.

01:22:03.000 It might be my head.

01:22:05.000 Because it's not that strong of a difference.

01:22:06.000 When I drink tequila...

01:22:08.000 Or I drink Jack Daniels, I get fired up.

01:22:11.000 You see me, when we do jack shots before a show, I'm like, God damn!

01:22:15.000 I don't get like that when I drink a glass of wine.

01:22:17.000 I don't get where I want to fucking just grab somebody and hug them and squeeze them.

01:22:22.000 Come here, you motherfucker!

01:22:24.000 But you have a shot of Jack.

01:22:25.000 You want to.

01:22:26.000 You want to squeeze people.

01:22:27.000 Sometimes it's too hard.

01:22:29.000 Tequila, for me, I get evil and dark.

01:22:32.000 Do you?

01:22:32.000 I black out very fast.

01:22:35.000 Really?

01:22:35.000 You black out and say creepy shit that you don't remember?

01:22:37.000 Tequila nights are the worst nights ever.

01:22:39.000 That's why I'm scared.

01:22:41.000 Did you get some sort of an argument?

01:22:44.000 Recently with your girl, when you drunk, would you have that?

01:22:47.000 No.

01:22:48.000 No?

01:22:48.000 No.

01:22:48.000 Just natural?

01:22:49.000 No.

01:22:50.000 Hey, did you see these, to change the subject, did you see these photos of the heads on Easter Island?

01:22:56.000 They have bodies.

01:22:58.000 Look at this.

01:22:58.000 Underneath?

01:22:59.000 Check this out, Joey.

01:23:00.000 They're just digging these things out.

01:23:01.000 Yeah, look at this.

01:23:04.000 They always thought the heads were incredible.

01:23:06.000 This whole time they didn't go deeper?

01:23:08.000 No, they're just starting to do it now.

01:23:09.000 What's Easter Island?

01:23:11.000 Easter Island is this crazy island that has these huge statues that they don't know how the fuck they cut these things and how the fuck they move these things into place because they're enormous and they must weigh an incredible amount.

01:23:22.000 Well, now they found that they're way bigger than they thought and they go deep, deep, deep underground.

01:23:27.000 Are you sure this is not a movie viral video photos?

01:23:30.000 No, no, this is real shit, dude.

01:23:32.000 Because don't you think the first thing they would do is like, wait a second, this goes deeper down.

01:23:37.000 You know, why would they ever...

01:23:38.000 Like, there's somebody that has to trim the hedges, and he's probably like, do you know this goes deeper, like, immediately?

01:23:43.000 Well, you know, I don't think they bothered.

01:23:45.000 I don't think they bothered digging in to check it out.

01:23:48.000 Because they look like, you know, they look pretty cool, but they look like that was the statue.

01:23:53.000 And I guess they just started...

01:23:55.000 That's ridiculous.

01:23:55.000 We're digging deep below them.

01:23:56.000 But they have petroglyphs on them too.

01:23:57.000 It seems like there's a lot of very dumb islanders somewhere.

01:24:00.000 Well, look at this.

01:24:01.000 This is really cool.

01:24:02.000 You see this photo?

01:24:03.000 Look at the hands.

01:24:04.000 See the thumbs?

01:24:05.000 See the two thumbs and the fingers?

01:24:06.000 And they have petroglyphs on them where you could see some of the stuff that's written on them.

01:24:11.000 It's not just one site either that's detailing.

01:24:14.000 There's several sites.

01:24:15.000 Some of them more and more detailed.

01:24:16.000 It's pretty interesting stuff.

01:24:18.000 This is another ancient civilization.

01:24:19.000 I don't know who the fuck built these things.

01:24:21.000 They're going to be finding our shit someday.

01:24:23.000 Is it on legit websites?

01:24:24.000 Oh yeah, it's on all sorts of websites.

01:24:26.000 It's on a bunch of different websites.

01:24:27.000 This is a legit archaeological discovery.

01:24:29.000 I'm pretty sure.

01:24:32.000 Well, I mean, it's a private research company.

01:24:37.000 I don't know.

01:24:39.000 Joey Diaz, I saw your podcast recently.

01:24:41.000 You had an animated part on your podcast.

01:24:44.000 I thought it was brilliant.

01:24:45.000 They took a small skit on your podcast and somebody animated it.

01:24:49.000 It looks really good.

01:24:50.000 I was really happy with it.

01:24:51.000 Felicia did a great fucking job with it.

01:24:54.000 Felicia's a tiger, right?

01:24:55.000 She set that up.

01:24:57.000 Yeah, she set it all up.

01:24:58.000 She's interesting.

01:24:59.000 Felicia's really good at that stuff.

01:25:01.000 That's what her specialty is.

01:25:02.000 Hey, we need to get her on the podcast.

01:25:04.000 Will she come on with you?

01:25:05.000 No, I called her today.

01:25:06.000 She didn't answer twice.

01:25:06.000 I called her twice to see what she was doing.

01:25:08.000 She was cracking.

01:25:10.000 I wanted her to come to Pornstar Karaoke with me last week.

01:25:12.000 She's coming this week.

01:25:13.000 This week?

01:25:14.000 Yeah, all you have to do is call her up because she didn't have a babysitter last week.

01:25:17.000 She couldn't get the girl two nights in a row.

01:25:19.000 So she's definitely going with you.

01:25:20.000 She spoke about it on the podcast.

01:25:22.000 I told her.

01:25:23.000 Yeah, she's a really neat girl.

01:25:24.000 Yeah, we'll have her on next time you come on.

01:25:26.000 Have her on with you.

01:25:26.000 Yeah, she's a great fucking lady.

01:25:27.000 That'll be great.

01:25:28.000 I'm really happy to have her in my life.

01:25:29.000 She makes me laugh because she's so sweet to my fucking asshole-ishness.

01:25:34.000 Like when she's telling me her real views.

01:25:35.000 She's sweet, but she's real.

01:25:37.000 She's super honest about everything.

01:25:39.000 About sex.

01:25:40.000 She was talking about how she picked up this guy and his dick was like two Red Bull cans taped together.

01:25:46.000 If you see the guy, you will die.

01:25:48.000 I believe it.

01:25:49.000 No, no, no.

01:25:49.000 You should have seen the guy.

01:25:50.000 Nerdy guy, right?

01:25:52.000 The nerdiest.

01:25:54.000 Glasses, little hot on.

01:25:55.000 He was scared.

01:25:56.000 He didn't really want to say much.

01:25:57.000 He goes, when that motherfucker took me home, he became an animal.

01:26:00.000 He was trying to put fingers up my ass.

01:26:02.000 She said she couldn't fit her mouth over his cock.

01:26:05.000 God damn.

01:26:05.000 She goes, Joey, I got a big fucking mouth.

01:26:08.000 And his cock was so...

01:26:09.000 I mean, she just said it right out.

01:26:11.000 She just told her ass.

01:26:12.000 She goes, you gotta sit down.

01:26:13.000 I gotta tell you something.

01:26:14.000 I thought she was gonna tell me about the podcast.

01:26:15.000 She goes, you see that guy I was with you all day?

01:26:18.000 That guy had the biggest dick I ever saw in my life.

01:26:22.000 So good.

01:26:23.000 Fucking hilarious when she was telling me that.

01:26:25.000 Yeah, so they animated it.

01:26:26.000 She animated it.

01:26:27.000 The story of fucking that guy.

01:26:29.000 Was that the same guy?

01:26:30.000 That's her boyfriend.

01:26:31.000 That's hilarious.

01:26:32.000 So this is Halloween and this is an appropriate story because this shows you how out of touch these fucking bankers are with people.

01:26:42.000 Have you seen this story where the top US foreclosure law firm threw a Halloween party where the staff dressed up as foreclosed upon Americans?

01:26:50.000 The staff dressed up on people who lost their home.

01:26:53.000 Are you serious?

01:26:54.000 Yeah, look at these photos.

01:26:55.000 Look at this.

01:26:56.000 This was their fucking party.

01:26:57.000 We'll work for food.

01:26:59.000 He thinks it's hilarious.

01:27:00.000 It's a big fucking joke.

01:27:01.000 They're lawyers.

01:27:02.000 They put fake dirt on their face.

01:27:04.000 They pretend to be winos.

01:27:05.000 The whole staff dressed up as this.

01:27:06.000 Look at this shit.

01:27:08.000 Wow.

01:27:10.000 Third party squatter, I lost my home and I was never served.

01:27:14.000 Ha ha.

01:27:15.000 I think that's funny.

01:27:16.000 How fucking out of touch are they?

01:27:18.000 What kind of bad karma must you have just taking people's houses away, kicking people's houses left and right, left and right, left and right?

01:27:26.000 Crazy.

01:27:27.000 You know, I was thinking about what you said, we were talking over the weekend about the pharmaceutical prices.

01:27:31.000 I finally figure out why they're so fucking high.

01:27:35.000 Because they've got to kick back.

01:27:36.000 Oh, yeah.

01:27:37.000 That's a big part.

01:27:37.000 Between the doctors, the politicians.

01:27:39.000 Oh, yeah.

01:27:40.000 You're paying a lot of people.

01:27:41.000 If you go to a doctor and all of a sudden he says to you after three years, hey, you're not going to take that medication no more.

01:27:45.000 I've got a better medication.

01:27:46.000 They start filling it out.

01:27:47.000 Well, they've got to pay for research and development, too.

01:27:49.000 There's a lot of money involved in creating pharmaceutical drugs, too.

01:27:52.000 That's amazing how much money I pay for fucking pharmaceuticals every day.

01:27:56.000 Amazing.

01:27:56.000 Yeah, and you're right.

01:27:57.000 That's because they've got to kick back.

01:27:58.000 Kick back like a motherfucker.

01:27:59.000 You know, the doctor who writes the most prescriptions of a thing gets like a cruise at the end of the fucking year.

01:28:04.000 They take care of you, dog.

01:28:05.000 Well, they also take the whole staff out.

01:28:07.000 Yeah.

01:28:08.000 Mrs. Rogan's mom's a nurse.

01:28:09.000 They take her whole staff out.

01:28:10.000 They encourage you to use Welbutrin or whatever the fuck they're pushing.

01:28:14.000 Right, yeah.

01:28:15.000 And then they'll take the whole staff to a nice dinner that they can't afford, a nice steakhouse and shit.

01:28:20.000 The whole situation is fucked.

01:28:23.000 It's completely ridiculous.

01:28:25.000 And this is the number one reason why pot's illegal.

01:28:28.000 The number one reason.

01:28:29.000 There's a lot of money that they're throwing at all these goddamn politicians to keep pot illegal.

01:28:34.000 Can't stop it, though.

01:28:34.000 At this point, I don't believe you can stop it.

01:28:36.000 I believe at this point the well has been broken.

01:28:39.000 Is this shit going to go down in L.A.? What are you hearing from me?

01:28:43.000 I don't think it will.

01:28:43.000 I think people will get so angry.

01:28:45.000 You think about this Occupy Wall Street shit and Occupy LA and Occupy everywhere.

01:28:50.000 They're occupying fucking Tulsa, Oklahoma now.

01:28:52.000 They're occupying everywhere.

01:28:53.000 Occupy Olive Garden.

01:28:54.000 Occupy Olive Garden.

01:28:55.000 He has to go every fucking podcast and say Olive Garden.

01:28:58.000 It's like his little joke.

01:28:59.000 He thinks he's cute.

01:29:00.000 Anyway, it's...

01:29:02.000 When you see how fucked up the world is and you find out that they're wasting their resources going after pot, people are just going to get even more angry.

01:29:10.000 They have to be careful.

01:29:11.000 At this stage, the way people are so angry and people are protesting so much and there's so much tension in the streets now.

01:29:19.000 There's so much of an organized group of protesters now.

01:29:24.000 They have to be real careful about how much they try to take away.

01:29:27.000 Because the more they do, the more it becomes more and more crazy and more and more people join the cause.

01:29:32.000 This ain't going to go any way.

01:29:33.000 This ain't going to be going away anytime soon.

01:29:35.000 This shit's only going to get bigger.

01:29:37.000 Weird.

01:29:38.000 It's like you wonder, what is exactly going to happen?

01:29:42.000 What is going to happen with the world?

01:29:44.000 Because right now, things are going in the craziest direction that they've ever gone.

01:29:50.000 The most amount of change, the most amount of fear, the most amount of people that are upset, and the most...

01:29:58.000 Technological discoveries.

01:30:00.000 The most amount of technological progress.

01:30:03.000 The craziest things.

01:30:04.000 They have this new fucking laser that they're creating.

01:30:06.000 Have you read about this?

01:30:07.000 World's most powerful...

01:30:08.000 This is the headline.

01:30:09.000 Powerful laser to tear apart the vacuum of space.

01:30:13.000 A laser powerful enough to tear apart the fabric of space could be built in Britain as part of a major new scientific project that aims to answer some of the most fundamental questions about the universe.

01:30:24.000 So some fucking crazy ass...

01:30:26.000 Super powerful laser.

01:30:28.000 What does that even mean?

01:30:29.000 It's gonna tear apart the fabric of space?

01:30:32.000 What the fuck does that mean?

01:30:36.000 Mild headaches?

01:30:40.000 I mean, what are they doing?

01:30:41.000 What the fuck?

01:30:42.000 What is this?

01:30:43.000 I mean, what's going to get there first?

01:30:44.000 Is it going to be people decide to blow up the earth because they're fucking mad that the bankers stole all the money?

01:30:48.000 Or is it going to be some asshole pulls a switch on this laser that, you know, that tears apart the fabric of the universe and the whole universe becomes like a balloon with a hole in it and spins around in a circle and fucking collapses in itself?

01:31:01.000 What is going on, man?

01:31:03.000 Every day there's something new.

01:31:04.000 Every day there's something more and more new.

01:31:06.000 Every day we're hustling, hustling, hustling.

01:31:08.000 Dude, dude.

01:31:09.000 Listen, every day I wake up, my feet hit, and I give thanks to the fucking other day woke up.

01:31:14.000 I don't know what's going to happen.

01:31:15.000 You know, it's getting scary out there.

01:31:17.000 It is, right?

01:31:18.000 It's fucking scary.

01:31:18.000 I didn't know until I went to Houston.

01:31:21.000 Houston, from the last time I went down, and this time, even when I went down there three years ago, the oil was still booming and shit.

01:31:27.000 Oil was still booming.

01:31:28.000 What did you notice that was a difference?

01:31:30.000 A couple empty fucking stores.

01:31:32.000 Yeah.

01:31:32.000 You know, it was...

01:31:35.000 When I seen that, I was like, ooh.

01:31:38.000 Places that I went to in Houston that are now closed.

01:31:41.000 More than usual.

01:31:42.000 More than usual.

01:31:43.000 What I think is crazy is that Brendan Walsh, we did that podcast with him the other day, and the other two comics that he had on, they were talking, and like three out of four of us had been robbed by gunpoint.

01:31:54.000 And we're like, that's crazy!

01:31:56.000 In L.A.? All of them were in L.A. except Brendan.

01:32:00.000 Wow.

01:32:01.000 He got robbed in Cleveland, right?

01:32:02.000 Yeah.

01:32:02.000 In Ohio.

01:32:03.000 I know that that's the next move.

01:32:05.000 I know that burglaries are going to go up.

01:32:07.000 That's the next move.

01:32:07.000 Of course.

01:32:08.000 They have to.

01:32:09.000 Unemployment, that's the next fucking move.

01:32:10.000 Yeah.

01:32:11.000 They have to.

01:32:12.000 That's what happens.

01:32:13.000 People start robbing people because they're broke and they're fucking scared.

01:32:16.000 They need something.

01:32:18.000 Fuck.

01:32:19.000 That's amazing.

01:32:20.000 People getting robbed and stuff at gunpoint.

01:32:22.000 That's it.

01:32:23.000 That's it.

01:32:23.000 That's why you got to have a fucking piece in your house at night.

01:32:27.000 Because it's like anything else.

01:32:28.000 A horse and a sword.

01:32:29.000 That's what I want.

01:32:30.000 A horse and a sword.

01:32:31.000 You wouldn't even be able to carry a sword.

01:32:32.000 If you rode a horse, you'd get scared.

01:32:34.000 You'd fucking fall off like I do.

01:32:36.000 I just jump off a fucking horse.

01:32:37.000 I'm so scared of them.

01:32:38.000 Yeah, I got bucked off a horse last time by squeezing too hard.

01:32:41.000 I guess if you squeeze too hard when you're on there...

01:32:43.000 You get scared.

01:32:43.000 Yeah, but I was scared because I was a kid and I squeezed too hard and bucked right off.

01:32:47.000 And then that same day, my sister touched an electric fence and she was like seven.

01:32:51.000 And he's like, I think we should stop going to farms.

01:32:54.000 Your sister touched an electric fence and she was seven?

01:32:56.000 Yeah, and she shot back.

01:32:58.000 Holy fuck!

01:32:59.000 It was a bad day at the farm.

01:33:01.000 How did that not kill her?

01:33:02.000 Because they're not that strong.

01:33:04.000 It's kind of like, I mean, it will shock you.

01:33:07.000 It stops you, but nothing.

01:33:08.000 You've touched one, Joey?

01:33:09.000 I've touched something similar where they'd shock you and shit me fucking.

01:33:13.000 Yeah, it definitely wakes you up.

01:33:16.000 Yeah, that's scary as fuck, dude.

01:33:18.000 An electric fence and a six?

01:33:20.000 How old was she?

01:33:20.000 It was like seven.

01:33:21.000 Fuck.

01:33:22.000 Yeah.

01:33:23.000 You would think that would kill a kid.

01:33:25.000 Electric fences are nuts.

01:33:26.000 Stay off my land!

01:33:28.000 You can touch the fence, I'm gonna fucking kill you!

01:33:30.000 Is it mostly for animals?

01:33:32.000 For the farms, yeah.

01:33:32.000 So, like, animals won't sneak in or sneak out.

01:33:35.000 Really?

01:33:36.000 They get kind of trained to avoid it.

01:33:39.000 That makes sense, I guess, if you want to keep your fucking animals.

01:33:42.000 I love how some people, especially Texas, this is real common, they have what's called a high fence compound.

01:33:48.000 And they have all their animals, like wild animals, on this compound.

01:33:53.000 And they just run around shooting him all year round.

01:33:55.000 Shoot him whenever, like, like, Ted Nugent has a spot like that.

01:33:58.000 He has a spot like that in Michigan.

01:33:59.000 And now he's got a spot like that in Texas.

01:34:00.000 I love it.

01:34:01.000 He lives on this fucking giant piece of property.

01:34:03.000 He's got like a thousand acres.

01:34:05.000 And he's got all these fucking animals running around his property.

01:34:08.000 So he gets in his fucking four-wheel drive.

01:34:10.000 Goes out to a spot.

01:34:11.000 Waits in a tree.

01:34:12.000 sees a deer walk by, shoots a hole in it, takes it home and eats it.

01:34:16.000 That's fucking beautiful.

01:34:17.000 Fuck a supermarket, you know?

01:34:19.000 Fuck a supermarket when you got your own ecosystem in your backyard.

01:34:22.000 That's the shit, dude.

01:34:24.000 If you could have a spot like that where you got your own lake in the backyard and your own, like, hunting spot, how cool would that be?

01:34:29.000 Would you not love that?

01:34:31.000 It doesn't look for me.

01:34:32.000 I can't kill a fucking animal even if I wanted to.

01:34:34.000 You couldn't kill an animal.

01:34:35.000 No.

01:34:35.000 But you love a good steak.

01:34:37.000 Listen, I know the end of the world is coming, just don't tell me.

01:34:41.000 Listen, you couldn't kill cows, or you couldn't kill cats, you couldn't kill dogs, but you couldn't kill a cow?

01:34:49.000 I need that in my life.

01:34:50.000 Did you hear about that guy that lived off?

01:34:52.000 I need that in my life to look at an animal on the floor.

01:34:54.000 Yeah.

01:34:55.000 At any level.

01:34:56.000 At any level.

01:34:57.000 It's unfortunate, but that's how they have to die.

01:34:59.000 That's the only way.

01:35:00.000 I mean, it's not like they're going to live forever if you don't do that.

01:35:01.000 No, and it's the ecosystem.

01:35:03.000 It's the way they live.

01:35:04.000 I've been with people when they shot a deer or an elk and the dragon.

01:35:08.000 You know what?

01:35:09.000 That's great, man.

01:35:10.000 I got nothing against you.

01:35:12.000 I can't do it.

01:35:13.000 You can't do it?

01:35:13.000 I can't see it.

01:35:14.000 Really?

01:35:15.000 I don't think I'd have any problem doing it.

01:35:16.000 I tell people, when I'm driving down the street and I see a bag on the road from a mile away, I crink up.

01:35:22.000 Thinking it's a puppy or something like that?

01:35:23.000 Yeah.

01:35:24.000 Those are the stories that drive me the most fucking nuts when you hear about someone throwing a puppy out of a car.

01:35:28.000 I fucking crinkle up.

01:35:29.000 Jesus Christ.

01:35:30.000 All that shit crinkles me the fuck up.

01:35:32.000 You know, I mean, horses.

01:35:33.000 Yeah.

01:35:33.000 You know, I'm scared of horses.

01:35:35.000 I don't want to hear about you shooting a fucking horse.

01:35:37.000 I don't want to fucking see it.

01:35:39.000 The most disturbing thing ever to me was when I watched that thing on 20 HBO Sports when they were doing a dogfight and the guy goes, you know what, the dog's a piece of shit or whatever, you gotta put him out.

01:35:50.000 And they walked him into the weeds and you heard, and he walked back giggling.

01:35:54.000 I had to turn it off.

01:35:55.000 I was ready to fucking puke, man.

01:35:57.000 It's horrible.

01:35:57.000 Did you hear about that guy that lived off roadkill for 30 years from the UK? What?

01:36:02.000 44 year old guy lived only off roadkill for 30 years.

01:36:06.000 And he would cook like badger soup, raccoon stew, like whatever he can find every day is what he ate off a roadkill.

01:36:12.000 Did you get an article on this guy?

01:36:13.000 Yeah, it's on CNN, Huffington Post.

01:36:15.000 But all he ate was roadkill.

01:36:17.000 Yeah, his name is Jonathan McCohen.

01:36:21.000 Really?

01:36:21.000 Jesus Christ.

01:36:22.000 So he just took it into his house, boiled it?

01:36:24.000 Yep.

01:36:25.000 Rats, mice, foxes, owls, pigeons, moles, snakes, peasants, yep.

01:36:29.000 He ate roadkill for 30 years.

01:36:31.000 Oh my god.

01:36:32.000 Yeah.

01:36:33.000 And there's a picture of him or a video of him on CNN and the back of his car, he has this little Saturn with this deer hanging out at the back of his car that he found on the side of the road.

01:36:41.000 Well, I know that a lot of people will find a deer that got hit by a car and they'll shoot that.

01:36:46.000 Or rather, they'll cook that.

01:36:47.000 They'll take a deer that got hit by a car and they'll gut it and take it home.

01:36:51.000 As long as you know when that thing got hit, as long as you can go to it and it hasn't been sitting in the sun for a couple days.

01:36:58.000 Now what's the deal with it when you go hunting in Colorado?

01:37:01.000 Because this is where I got everything, all the knowledge I got about hunting was in Colorado.

01:37:05.000 People say that when you come up on a deer, if you shock him, he releases that thing and the meat's tougher.

01:37:11.000 Like, I don't know what the breakdown was.

01:37:13.000 Say that again?

01:37:14.000 Okay.

01:37:15.000 They would say that the deer got, he died a weird death or something.

01:37:19.000 Like if he got a lung shot and he hit a run and didn't die quick.

01:37:23.000 Oh, he released testosterone, the meat gets hard.

01:37:26.000 Adrenaline.

01:37:26.000 It's adrenaline.

01:37:26.000 Adrenaline, I'm sorry.

01:37:27.000 And then if you shoot him with a bow and arrow, because I had friends that were bow and arrow, they were dangerous people.

01:37:32.000 They were bow and arrow guys.

01:37:34.000 Those are some dangerous...

01:37:35.000 Those are the most dangerous people I've met.

01:37:36.000 Those motherfuckers are dangerous.

01:37:38.000 Why is that?

01:37:38.000 Because they could shoot you with a bow and arrow.

01:37:40.000 They could shoot you with a piece.

01:37:41.000 They show up with a bow and arrow first.

01:37:42.000 The piece is second.

01:37:46.000 The piece is second.

01:37:47.000 So they don't get you at 30 yards.

01:37:49.000 They're going to get you at 50. So does that supposedly make the meat taste less good?

01:37:52.000 The bow and arrow?

01:37:53.000 You know what?

01:37:54.000 I don't want the listeners to get pissed at me.

01:37:56.000 I don't know the exact specifics.

01:37:58.000 Somebody from the South or somebody who knows what's going on.

01:38:00.000 Where's Matthews if you're fucking listening?

01:38:02.000 I guarantee you there's a bunch of people on Twitter that know about hunting with bows and arrows.

01:38:09.000 You know, I love Boulder.

01:38:10.000 I love Boulder.

01:38:11.000 And you love Boulder.

01:38:12.000 You love the people of Boulder.

01:38:13.000 Loved it.

01:38:14.000 I lived in Boulder in 85 and I moved up to the hill.

01:38:17.000 I don't even think I told you about these stories.

01:38:19.000 And I met these guys up on the hill.

01:38:21.000 They were Vietnam vets.

01:38:21.000 They sold weed or whatever.

01:38:23.000 You know, some of them were hippies and some of them were guys that looked like us, you know, straight up.

01:38:27.000 And I became friends with one of the guys' name was Ed.

01:38:29.000 And we would go to Vietnam.

01:38:31.000 You know, we became friends.

01:38:32.000 I was lonely out there.

01:38:33.000 I was 85. I was 21. And I would go with him to the vet center and get his meds, you know.

01:38:38.000 And then after a while, he introduced me to another vet and I would meet them.

01:38:42.000 And you know how you, when I had a problem with my ex-wife and her husband, you know, these were my friends.

01:38:47.000 Just because they were crazy or whatever they had gone through, I respected them, bro.

01:38:50.000 They went over there at fucking 16. You know what I'm saying?

01:38:53.000 They were there with 24. Bodies, they would tell me the stories.

01:38:56.000 And these guys were living in hell.

01:38:57.000 I knew it, but I couldn't turn my back on them.

01:38:59.000 They were my friends, you know?

01:39:01.000 And it's funny, you used to encourage me, Joey, you gotta get healthy.

01:39:05.000 These guys were encouraging me to kill this motherfucker.

01:39:08.000 Yeah.

01:39:09.000 You understand?

01:39:10.000 You know, like, when you see somebody and go, Joey, man, you look, like, they were like, Doug, did you think about what I told you?

01:39:14.000 Like, I couldn't shake him.

01:39:15.000 Right.

01:39:16.000 That one guy, the one, uh, not Ed, but his partner, that guy specialized.

01:39:20.000 He used to show me.

01:39:22.000 After we meditate, I'd take him up to the fucking, uh, uh, the one canyon.

01:39:27.000 I'm sorry with the words.

01:39:29.000 Sunshine?

01:39:29.000 One of those canyons.

01:39:30.000 That town?

01:39:31.000 One of those fucking canyons.

01:39:32.000 This motherfucker was hitting targets with a bow and arrow that you would dream about even seeing.

01:39:38.000 Really?

01:39:38.000 And he would tell me, dog, whenever you want to kill this mother.

01:39:41.000 But he told me, I go, how are you going to kill him?

01:39:42.000 I don't know nothing about no bow and arrows.

01:39:44.000 He's like, you're going to have to kill him.

01:39:45.000 I go, I don't want to kill him with no gun.

01:39:47.000 He goes, in Boulder, we don't need guns.

01:39:49.000 That's what I told you.

01:39:50.000 He goes, we'll take him up to the mountains.

01:39:52.000 We'll slice his fucking thigh.

01:39:53.000 We'll rub him down with maple syrup and peanut butter.

01:39:56.000 In two days, a bear, they'll only find the elbow because the bears don't eat the elbow joint, and maybe a tooth if he's sick of eating.

01:40:04.000 These guys were serious!

01:40:05.000 And every time I'd see them, they're like, dog, did you think about that motherfucker?

01:40:08.000 Right now, he's fucking your ex-wife.

01:40:09.000 Right now, he's hugging your daughter.

01:40:11.000 I mean, they were like...

01:40:11.000 And I love these guys because they were right.

01:40:14.000 They were like, you know, these guys were by the book, but they were Vietnam vets.

01:40:17.000 So they didn't want you to kill them.

01:40:19.000 They wanted you to let them bleed out.

01:40:20.000 Oh, these motherfuckers were...

01:40:22.000 But that one guy...

01:40:23.000 Joe, when you've seen this guy with an arrow on your heart, you're like, this is a dangerous guy.

01:40:27.000 This was Army train.

01:40:29.000 Green beret.

01:40:30.000 Army fucking hand-to-hand.

01:40:32.000 He was a Rambo.

01:40:34.000 He was a modern day.

01:40:35.000 When they got hot, that's who they let out with a helicopter.

01:40:38.000 He was missing two fingers.

01:40:40.000 The back of his calf got blown up.

01:40:43.000 You know, the whole fucking deal.

01:40:44.000 But his face was still intact.

01:40:45.000 We're getting a lot of those guys back now.

01:40:47.000 We're getting a lot of those guys now from Iraq and Afghanistan.

01:40:50.000 I've been meeting a lot of those guys after shows, man.

01:40:53.000 A lot of guys that are limping on canes and shit.

01:40:56.000 A dude the other day at the Ontario Improv showed me this giant hole that was taken out of his leg.

01:41:01.000 Holy fuck, man.

01:41:02.000 Can you imagine how lucky we are, man?

01:41:04.000 Yeah.

01:41:04.000 And I'll tell you, I was thinking about it this morning.

01:41:06.000 He's a podcast fan, by the way.

01:41:08.000 That dude, whatever your name is.

01:41:09.000 What a fucking mistake I made, dog.

01:41:10.000 You bad motherfucker.

01:41:11.000 That was one of my mistakes, not joining the service.

01:41:14.000 Really?

01:41:14.000 One of your mistakes?

01:41:16.000 Look at you.

01:41:16.000 You turned out Joey Diaz.

01:41:18.000 You wouldn't have turned out Joey Diaz if you went for the service.

01:41:20.000 I would have been a 40-year-old Joey Diaz on a nice pension.

01:41:24.000 I would have learned how to blow fucking people up.

01:41:27.000 I would have had a passport instead of not having a fucking passport.

01:41:30.000 I would have been in Japan.

01:41:31.000 Does it bother you the passport thing?

01:41:33.000 Fuck yeah!

01:41:33.000 I would have been in Japan right now.

01:41:34.000 I'm going to England this weekend with Duncan.

01:41:36.000 With a piece of sushi up my asshole.

01:41:37.000 What?

01:41:38.000 On route.

01:41:39.000 In route to go stab somebody.

01:41:40.000 Like if I knew I had to blow nine motherfuckers up like Man on Fire.

01:41:43.000 Yeah?

01:41:44.000 I'd go for the last bathhouse of the fucking year.

01:41:46.000 Twenty chicks licking my toes in my asshole.

01:41:48.000 Yeah, you'd also have seven Vietnamese kids too.

01:41:50.000 Who gives a fuck?

01:41:51.000 I'm going to kill somebody.

01:41:52.000 You understand me?

01:41:53.000 They dropped me out of a fucking helicopter.

01:41:55.000 You would want to do that?

01:41:56.000 What are you talking about?

01:41:57.000 You know why I didn't go to the service, bro?

01:42:00.000 Because I didn't want to take the blood test.

01:42:01.000 You didn't want to take the blood test?

01:42:02.000 Like, I did the paperwork and everything.

01:42:03.000 How come you don't want to take the blood test?

01:42:04.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

01:42:05.000 At that age, I wouldn't even allow you to fucking touch me with a needle.

01:42:08.000 Really?

01:42:09.000 Yeah.

01:42:09.000 Once I had no supervision, I didn't go back to the doctor until I was 30-something, dog.

01:42:14.000 Really?

01:42:14.000 Yeah, I did all my own dental work.

01:42:16.000 I did everything.

01:42:17.000 What?

01:42:17.000 I used all these teeth.

01:42:19.000 I ripped out with a fucking wrench with Jack Daniels or dudes.

01:42:22.000 What?

01:42:23.000 I don't like needles, dog.

01:42:24.000 Wait a minute.

01:42:25.000 You didn't know about that?

01:42:26.000 Hold on.

01:42:27.000 Why do you think I went back to acupuncture?

01:42:30.000 I wanted to eliminate...

01:42:31.000 Why do you think I started going to acupuncture?

01:42:33.000 Because I wanted to eliminate my fear of needles.

01:42:35.000 I was telling you that.

01:42:36.000 I'm going to have to go for a cortisone shot.

01:42:37.000 So you had cavities because you weren't brushing your teeth.

01:42:42.000 No, I wouldn't.

01:42:42.000 I never had it.

01:42:43.000 I always brush my teeth.

01:42:44.000 So why did you have to pull your teeth out?

01:42:45.000 Everybody gets cavities.

01:42:46.000 Because I wouldn't go to the dentist.

01:42:47.000 I just let the cavity go.

01:42:49.000 Because I wouldn't want to go to the dentist because of my fear for needles.

01:42:52.000 So you pulled it out with a plier?

01:42:54.000 I didn't get a blood test from the time I was 14. Can you imagine sitting there with a pair of pliers pulling your fucking teeth out?

01:43:02.000 I walked around for a year with an abscess.

01:43:06.000 The tooth was missing and I'd go up to people I hated at the comedy store and it would swell and I'd press and it'd shoot out at people I hated at the comedy store.

01:43:13.000 You know, you can die from that shit.

01:43:15.000 I walked around for a year.

01:43:16.000 That's why you can't drive without a driver's license either.

01:43:20.000 They go into, sometimes it's infections that go into your brain.

01:43:23.000 Listen to me.

01:43:24.000 It got this big and I went into that Cedar Sinai and the doctor just opened one mouth and went, and his fucking face like the exorcist.

01:43:31.000 Oh my God.

01:43:31.000 And I never came back.

01:43:32.000 And then, little by little, I became friends with Dr. Waxler.

01:43:35.000 And little by little, he talked me into, you know what the process that goes into when I get a blood test?

01:43:39.000 What?

01:43:40.000 There's a process, bitch.

01:43:41.000 This ain't just Joey Diaz whipping up his arm.

01:43:43.000 What's the process?

01:43:44.000 It's fucking horrid.

01:43:45.000 A lot of tears.

01:43:46.000 A lot of horny cats.

01:43:48.000 He knows.

01:43:48.000 It's three days of horror.

01:43:49.000 What is the problem?

01:43:50.000 Oh, it fucking kills me.

01:43:52.000 It's his snake if he was Indiana Jones.

01:43:54.000 I don't like fucking needles.

01:43:56.000 I don't want them by me.

01:43:57.000 And I went for a year to acupuncture.

01:43:59.000 I would faint every two times.

01:44:01.000 Really?

01:44:02.000 Oh, God, yeah.

01:44:03.000 Especially when I'd see her put the fucking needle in my chest.

01:44:06.000 I'd drop.

01:44:07.000 I hurt my knee because I fainted on acupuncture.

01:44:08.000 It doesn't do anything.

01:44:10.000 Nothing.

01:44:10.000 No, there's some people...

01:44:12.000 There was a girl I dated, though.

01:44:13.000 Her dad was a dentist.

01:44:15.000 And her dad would faint when he saw anything bloody.

01:44:19.000 His daughter came back from the beach.

01:44:22.000 They were at the beach and they got sunburned.

01:44:24.000 And they got sunburned to the point where the kid had blisters.

01:44:27.000 She had blisters on her head.

01:44:28.000 Dad sees it, falls down unconscious.

01:44:30.000 Fucking falls down at the beach unconscious.

01:44:32.000 He was a dentist.

01:44:33.000 He couldn't see anyone get a needle.

01:44:35.000 And her and I were in the movies once, and she was watching a...

01:44:37.000 In the movie, the guy shot himself up with heroin, and she blacked out.

01:44:41.000 I fainted at Pulp Fiction when she stuck the needle in the glass.

01:44:44.000 Oh, yeah, that was pretty rough.

01:44:45.000 I had to put a milk done in my mouth.

01:44:46.000 I fainted when Joe Daddy Stevenson bought BJ Penn on the couch in my house.

01:44:51.000 I fainted at my house and woke up two hours later fucking, oh it was horrible.

01:44:56.000 I fainted at Pearl, at the Palm.

01:44:59.000 You took me and Ralphie Mae and somebody had a bloody towel and I said Stitch with the bloody towel.

01:45:04.000 That's all I had to see.

01:45:05.000 Really?

01:45:05.000 I went down.

01:45:06.000 Thank God there was a doctor next to me.

01:45:08.000 They picked me up a little bit.

01:45:09.000 The USA was embarrassed.

01:45:10.000 I thought they were going to go get you.

01:45:12.000 And they picked me up a little bit and they gave me water and I was fucking fine.

01:45:16.000 What evolutionary reason would there be for you to black out and see something shocking?

01:45:21.000 What's the cause of that?

01:45:22.000 Then the best one was when I got locked up and went to prison.

01:45:25.000 I'm in a tube with 80 guys and they're like, dog, you know you have to go get a blood test today.

01:45:30.000 And I'm like, that's it.

01:45:31.000 I'm going to fucking get my blood test and wake up with a dick in my ass.

01:45:34.000 It's over.

01:45:35.000 So I fucking thought about it.

01:45:37.000 I didn't talk to nobody.

01:45:38.000 I just worked myself up the way I do before a set.

01:45:40.000 I can't faint your tears.

01:45:41.000 You can't faint your cocoa.

01:45:43.000 You're from North Bergen.

01:45:44.000 Get your shit together.

01:45:45.000 Didn't even let you lay down.

01:45:46.000 I had to go in one of those school chairs.

01:45:48.000 You stood up.

01:45:49.000 Sat down?

01:45:50.000 Sat down.

01:45:50.000 With the school chair.

01:45:52.000 I looked the other way.

01:45:54.000 Boom.

01:45:54.000 I went into the tube.

01:45:55.000 All these black dudes.

01:45:57.000 What up?

01:45:58.000 I didn't faint.

01:45:58.000 I was like, fuck.

01:45:59.000 I evolved.

01:46:01.000 I got around.

01:46:02.000 I put my arm down.

01:46:02.000 I picked up the cotton ball.

01:46:04.000 The little red dot.

01:46:05.000 Boom!

01:46:06.000 Down like a bad fucking habit, dog.

01:46:08.000 I went to the dentist with Terry three years ago to get a fucking root canal.

01:46:12.000 All of a sudden you hear...

01:46:13.000 Terry's like, that's my husband.

01:46:15.000 You see him coming with the oxygen and shit.

01:46:17.000 I didn't even see the needle.

01:46:18.000 I just tasted the blood.

01:46:19.000 And you blacked out.

01:46:20.000 Here's the deal.

01:46:21.000 So why aren't you like periods?

01:46:23.000 When girls are on periods, it doesn't take you out.

01:46:25.000 That's the biggest open wound ever.

01:46:27.000 Listen to me.

01:46:29.000 When I was 16, I took Helene Ketter home one night.

01:46:33.000 I was desperate.

01:46:34.000 Helen Keller?

01:46:34.000 Cute girl.

01:46:35.000 She sucked my dick at a picnic when we were like 16.

01:46:37.000 I was in love.

01:46:38.000 I took her home one night.

01:46:39.000 I took her panties off.

01:46:40.000 She had a Kotex on.

01:46:42.000 And I went like this.

01:46:43.000 You know like when a tongue comes out when you go to a haunted house?

01:46:46.000 Right.

01:46:47.000 When I pulled the panties off, the coat was on it.

01:46:51.000 And I seen this thing with that line of blood, and I fainted.

01:46:55.000 She woke me up a little while later.

01:46:58.000 A little while later.

01:46:59.000 And then I was like, what happened?

01:47:00.000 That's the time they went into a first aid kit.

01:47:03.000 You know those Corolline things?

01:47:05.000 She put one in each nostril.

01:47:06.000 I had one in each nostril.

01:47:07.000 She went through a fucking first aid kit?

01:47:09.000 A first aid kit.

01:47:10.000 Because of a tampon.

01:47:11.000 Oh my god.

01:47:12.000 I fainted she put one in each fucking nostril.

01:47:14.000 I was telling these guys the story the other day when I was in Seattle one time.

01:47:18.000 And the stripper, I was with her at the beach at this little lake.

01:47:21.000 And I was working her monkey with a wine cooler.

01:47:23.000 Right?

01:47:24.000 And I'm working her monkey.

01:47:25.000 She's going for it.

01:47:25.000 The hips are moving.

01:47:26.000 And I got that bottle, yeah, bottle of pussy.

01:47:30.000 And I'm working it with the bottle, and I'm working that little monkey, and I'm getting all excited.

01:47:33.000 And when you see a bottle in a chick's pussy, I don't care, even if you're a Catholic, even if you're a Christian, your dick's gonna get hard.

01:47:38.000 That's a complete different animal.

01:47:39.000 And I'm just working the clit with the bottle.

01:47:41.000 The suction Got a hold of the pussy and all of a sudden the period came out of it.

01:47:45.000 Oh no!

01:47:45.000 Shot in the bottle like a string.

01:47:48.000 And I just thought I had cut her.

01:47:49.000 So I dropped.

01:47:51.000 I dropped, Jack.

01:47:52.000 And let me tell you something, that's two times I fucked with women.

01:47:54.000 That was the one time and that girl when I was 16. Never again.

01:47:58.000 When a woman says that's her area, I don't even look.

01:48:00.000 Really?

01:48:01.000 Yeah, store is closed.

01:48:02.000 Don't worry about it.

01:48:03.000 So no periods?

01:48:04.000 No!

01:48:04.000 See, I have a grunt.

01:48:05.000 The older I get, the more I don't care anymore.

01:48:07.000 No.

01:48:08.000 I used to be the same way, now I don't give a shit.

01:48:09.000 No, no, no, no, that's disgusting.

01:48:11.000 Fucking picking clots up from my teeth.

01:48:13.000 I picked up a chick in Boston one time.

01:48:14.000 I started, I had real 93. I took her back to the wholesale, started nailing.

01:48:18.000 I fucking turned the lights on, there was blood everywhere.

01:48:20.000 I went down, and she was a soldier.

01:48:22.000 She was home on leave.

01:48:23.000 This bitch was, I'm like, bitch, let's go into combat zone.

01:48:26.000 You fell asleep?

01:48:27.000 You blacked out?

01:48:28.000 I blacked the fuck out, though.

01:48:29.000 Ha, ha, ha.

01:48:30.000 I always blacked.

01:48:32.000 And here's the weirdest thing.

01:48:33.000 If I could be next to you and you could fight somebody and you could bleed a little bit, I could see gross shit.

01:48:40.000 It's as soon as I see a little bit of blood on my shirt or something.

01:48:43.000 That thing with BJ Penn Daddy Stevenson.

01:48:46.000 That was a bad guy.

01:48:47.000 The other day I had to turn the TV off when Nate Marquardt hit Chael Sonnen with an upward elbow.

01:48:53.000 At one point you could see the blood dropping from Chael Sonnen.

01:48:55.000 I can't see that.

01:48:56.000 That's the shit.

01:48:58.000 That kills me.

01:48:58.000 That night I took the ass at the UFC. I'm like, please, Lord.

01:49:01.000 Don't let nobody get beat up bad tonight.

01:49:04.000 Because they'll rip me out of here with a fucking sky ambulance.

01:49:08.000 After I took it, I remembered.

01:49:11.000 I go, oh, no.

01:49:12.000 It's crazy that you could put your finger in a girl's asshole, pull out aluminum foil, and stick your dick back in there.

01:49:18.000 No problem.

01:49:19.000 But there's any period blood.

01:49:21.000 Listen, if I would have pulled the aluminum foil out of her ass and a little blood came out, I would have dropped right there.

01:49:25.000 They would have had to fucking wake me up with aluminum in my fingers.

01:49:28.000 And that also explains why he always gets his steaks well done.

01:49:31.000 Yeah, I don't like nothing.

01:49:32.000 Oh, yeah, you get your steak well done, huh?

01:49:33.000 Nothing like that.

01:49:34.000 Well, I just don't like the taste of blood on my dish.

01:49:36.000 When I was a kid, that's something.

01:49:37.000 Bro, my mom ate a dish more or less done than you.

01:49:41.000 You're out of the vampire.

01:49:42.000 You know how Cubans call it?

01:49:44.000 Huerta, huerta.

01:49:45.000 What's that?

01:49:45.000 You know what that means?

01:49:46.000 What?

01:49:51.000 Done.

01:49:51.000 What does the word mean?

01:49:54.000 Turn, turn.

01:49:56.000 That's it.

01:49:57.000 So just braise it on the outside.

01:49:59.000 Yeah, two minutes.

01:50:00.000 Done.

01:50:00.000 Pink, red.

01:50:01.000 Disgusting.

01:50:02.000 Like what they call it now.

01:50:05.000 You'd pay like $80 for it.

01:50:06.000 Not sashimi.

01:50:07.000 Oh yeah, tartare.

01:50:08.000 Tartare, yeah.

01:50:09.000 Fuck, my mother ate tartare.

01:50:10.000 That shit, by the way, don't go to a bad place to get it.

01:50:13.000 That's easily one of the easiest ways to get food poisoning.

01:50:16.000 No shit!

01:50:17.000 No shit!

01:50:18.000 I got it the other day from eating it.

01:50:19.000 Did you eat tartare?

01:50:21.000 Tartare, from eating tartare.

01:50:22.000 How do you know you got it from that, though?

01:50:23.000 Because immediately, me and my girlfriend got sick, like two hours after we left.

01:50:28.000 Where did you eat steak tartare?

01:50:31.000 Fucking, I forget the name of it.

01:50:32.000 Firefly?

01:50:32.000 You know, you're fucking from Ohio.

01:50:34.000 You're not supposed to be eating steak tartare.

01:50:36.000 Don't let me tell you again.

01:50:37.000 I never heard about it.

01:50:38.000 I didn't even know what it was.

01:50:39.000 I've had it before.

01:50:39.000 I've had it since.

01:50:40.000 It doesn't taste that good.

01:50:41.000 Steak tastes good when the outside is cooked.

01:50:44.000 That's when it tastes good.

01:50:46.000 I like medium rare.

01:50:47.000 That, to me, is perfect.

01:50:48.000 The outside is brown and juicy and you slice into it.

01:50:53.000 That's how a steak is supposed to be cooked.

01:50:55.000 You get plenty of rare meat in the middle.

01:50:57.000 But the outside cook is what gives it that fucking delicious flavor.

01:51:01.000 Steak tartare is like very mild.

01:51:03.000 There's like not that much flavor to it.

01:51:05.000 Like really rare steak, like a piece of filet mignon, if you cut out the outside of it and just have the red part, it's not that flavorful.

01:51:12.000 You know, the real flavor comes from the outside being cooked and all the fat melting and all that shit.

01:51:16.000 You know, that's where the real flavor of the meat comes in.

01:51:18.000 Can you imagine Joe Rogan being a UFC fighter beating you up?

01:51:22.000 And then you get cut and you just black out.

01:51:23.000 No, if he cuts and I'm on the bottom and he bleeds on me, just a little bit of drop.

01:51:28.000 He didn't drop out.

01:51:30.000 Now I know if I ever get into a fight with Joey Diaz, I'm just going to pick my nose really hard until it starts bleeding.

01:51:34.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:51:34.000 Just punch yourself in the nose.

01:51:35.000 How fucking weird is that?

01:51:38.000 And I should correct myself.

01:51:40.000 It's those drops.

01:51:40.000 When you watch the UFC, when Stitch has a towel and they throw it to the side.

01:51:44.000 Oh, God.

01:51:45.000 You know what you should do?

01:51:46.000 Punch yourself in the nose and then blow your nose on him.

01:51:48.000 That would be like a mace.

01:51:50.000 I would just faint.

01:51:51.000 I would just faint and pass out and puke, probably.

01:51:53.000 Listen, I have no problem with blood.

01:51:55.000 Well, obviously I don't.

01:51:56.000 Otherwise, I couldn't be doing what I do.

01:51:58.000 And I have no problem with period blood.

01:51:59.000 That's never bothering me.

01:52:00.000 Now, would you eat pussy with period blood?

01:52:01.000 Fuck yeah.

01:52:02.000 I don't give a shit.

01:52:02.000 No!

01:52:03.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:52:04.000 I'm an animal.

01:52:05.000 What about a girl swallows your cum and then wants to kiss you?

01:52:07.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:52:08.000 She swallows my butt.

01:52:09.000 I'll kiss her.

01:52:09.000 So it doesn't matter even if it's been out of your body for like three seconds?

01:52:12.000 I'll be fine.

01:52:12.000 I don't care.

01:52:12.000 So wait a second.

01:52:13.000 My dick is hard.

01:52:14.000 I'm crazy, man.

01:52:15.000 Let's go back to this because I've never done this.

01:52:16.000 So I've got to ask you guys questions.

01:52:18.000 Okay, so a girl once in Miami told me, To Lake Eclat.

01:52:21.000 When I pulled it off, I seen the little fuse.

01:52:23.000 And I put the pants back on.

01:52:24.000 Yeah.

01:52:25.000 She goes, no, go, go, go.

01:52:26.000 It's really different.

01:52:27.000 It's the third day.

01:52:28.000 She goes, it's the third day.

01:52:30.000 That's the best day.

01:52:31.000 What are you talking about?

01:52:32.000 She's like, the third day.

01:52:33.000 And I'm like, I don't even know what she was talking about.

01:52:35.000 What does that mean?

01:52:36.000 I don't know.

01:52:37.000 Third day of her period.

01:52:38.000 So the third day means it's probably not as thick, but it's more of an oil-based period of blood.

01:52:43.000 Oil-based.

01:52:44.000 Oh, God.

01:52:45.000 I might fucking faint just listening to that.

01:52:47.000 Oh, God.

01:52:48.000 It's like vinaigrette dressing.

01:52:49.000 It's like that black blood that comes out of you.

01:52:52.000 It's like when you go to Wood Ranch and you get that French salad.

01:52:56.000 It's from the stuff in the back of the corner that's now just falling off the walls of the vagina.

01:53:00.000 What a weird situation.

01:53:02.000 The whole thing just bleeds every 28 days.

01:53:05.000 What the hell is that?

01:53:06.000 It doesn't die.

01:53:07.000 We've got to back this up, guys.

01:53:10.000 So the third day, you take the underwear off, and they got a cigar sticking out of their pussy, and you eat their pussy when the fuse is sticking out.

01:53:17.000 Let's get back to this.

01:53:18.000 No, no, you pull it out, suck it on the side.

01:53:20.000 Brian, I'll fucking strangle you right now.

01:53:22.000 Stop being a retard, bro.

01:53:23.000 You're killing me with that shit.

01:53:24.000 Just tell me the truth.

01:53:26.000 I need this knowledge.

01:53:27.000 No, you take it out.

01:53:28.000 I'd lick her pussy.

01:53:29.000 I'd eat her clit.

01:53:29.000 But do you leave the cigar in?

01:53:31.000 No, no, no.

01:53:31.000 Whatever she wanted.

01:53:32.000 I'll pull it out, I'll take it in.

01:53:33.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:53:33.000 Do you ever work with the cigar?

01:53:34.000 No, no, no.

01:53:35.000 I don't play with it.

01:53:36.000 I don't use it as a sex toy.

01:53:37.000 Oh, God almighty.

01:53:38.000 I might get sick.

01:53:39.000 I know.

01:53:41.000 Oh, God.

01:53:42.000 So what?

01:53:43.000 You pop it out, and is it bleeding?

01:53:44.000 Pop it out.

01:53:45.000 No, it's usually, you know, honestly, it's usually not that bad.

01:53:48.000 Like, if you fuck her, then it starts to come out on your dick a little, but it's not like you take it out and it just blood starts going everywhere.

01:53:54.000 It's more like it's just deep in there.

01:53:55.000 Have you ever tasted monkey?

01:53:57.000 Yeah, it just tastes like coins.

01:53:59.000 Yeah, sure.

01:54:01.000 Tastes like coins.

01:54:02.000 It goes like on a quarter.

01:54:03.000 Yeah, it tastes very copper-like.

01:54:04.000 Yeah.

01:54:05.000 It's not that bad.

01:54:05.000 It's just blood.

01:54:06.000 What's the difference between blood and pussy fumes?

01:54:08.000 Actually...

01:54:09.000 Pussy liquid.

01:54:10.000 You know, it's all liquids.

01:54:11.000 Saliva, you're swapping spit, you're shooting loads in our mouth.

01:54:14.000 It's fucking blood!

01:54:15.000 That's the nucleus of the nucleus!

01:54:17.000 The nucleus of the nucleus!

01:54:19.000 That's the whole patois!

01:54:20.000 The liquid of life.

01:54:22.000 It doesn't matter.

01:54:22.000 This girl was telling me that when you fuck her on a period, it's tremendous.

01:54:26.000 Yeah, they love it.

01:54:27.000 It feels good.

01:54:27.000 Does it feel good for us, too?

01:54:28.000 Well, that's why.

01:54:29.000 It's juicier.

01:54:30.000 It's warmer, too.

01:54:31.000 It's more like a warm juice.

01:54:32.000 It gets sloppy.

01:54:33.000 Yeah, sometimes it gets sloppy.

01:54:34.000 Sometimes there's blood everywhere.

01:54:35.000 Like a goddamn fucking crime scene.

01:54:37.000 Yeah, so my mom would keep the sheets every year for Halloween that she accidentally spotted on, and that would be the ghost outfit.

01:54:42.000 So I always looked like a ghost that got shot.

01:54:45.000 Look at Joe Rogan.

01:54:47.000 He's working his material again as fuck.

01:54:49.000 This motherfucker wrote that.

01:54:51.000 You can tell when he works material.

01:54:52.000 His lips quiver.

01:54:54.000 And he's like, please get this out good.

01:54:56.000 I just want to make sure I get this out good.

01:54:57.000 It's not material.

01:54:58.000 That's actually true.

01:55:00.000 And it's material as well.

01:55:01.000 It would always be like the ghost outfit was like yellow on one side, right on the other side.

01:55:04.000 Hey, at least you didn't tell me Japanese flag.

01:55:06.000 If you would have said Japanese flag, I would have fucking thrown something at him.

01:55:10.000 Because everybody hits you with that.

01:55:11.000 Yeah, like it's a white flag with a red dot in the middle, so a lot of people say, welcome to my bathroom, my wife was in there, it looked like a Japanese flag.

01:55:18.000 I've never heard that.

01:55:20.000 Steve McGrew does it.

01:55:21.000 Oh, it's a bit?

01:55:22.000 It's a joke, but then I've heard other people do it.

01:55:25.000 Isn't he one of those guys that went to England, became an English comedian?

01:55:28.000 Is he one of those?

01:55:29.000 Steve McGrew?

01:55:29.000 Is that what I'm talking about?

01:55:30.000 Funny guy, no, Denver guy, originally.

01:55:32.000 Yeah?

01:55:32.000 A lot of guys do that though, right?

01:55:33.000 They go to England?

01:55:35.000 Always miss the boat, Steve McGrew, but he's very funny, he writes a lot, he's the real deal.

01:55:39.000 Always miss the boat, huh?

01:55:40.000 In what way?

01:55:41.000 He moved to Houston as Kenneth Simmons going to LA. He moved to Denver as Blue Comedy was blowing up.

01:55:48.000 So he's always been, I thought he was always the original guy.

01:55:51.000 When I first got into comedy, Steve was the king of Denver, hands down, Roseanne had left, and Steve was the next big thing.

01:55:59.000 He had to look, they would go see him.

01:56:02.000 They would go see him.

01:56:03.000 They would go watch him.

01:56:04.000 You know, all of Roseanne's people were there.

01:56:07.000 Roseanne became a big comic out of there, but there were two other people that followed that became huge writers in Hollywood.

01:56:13.000 Yes.

01:56:14.000 Big deals at Disney.

01:56:15.000 Created a bunch of shows.

01:56:16.000 A lot of them didn't stick around.

01:56:18.000 I forget what their names are.

01:56:20.000 But that was a great scene back then.

01:56:22.000 And then all the underlings were great writers because that was what...

01:56:26.000 The guy with the hooks is from Denver.

01:56:28.000 Yeah.

01:56:28.000 What the hell's his name?

01:56:29.000 One Hook.

01:56:30.000 One Hook.

01:56:31.000 God damn it.

01:56:32.000 I don't remember his name.

01:56:32.000 He's a great writer.

01:56:33.000 Very funny guy too.

01:56:34.000 Todd George from Denver.

01:56:35.000 Great writer.

01:56:36.000 You know, it was just so...

01:56:37.000 Rick Kearns.

01:56:38.000 Great.

01:56:38.000 These guys were great fucking writers, man.

01:56:41.000 You know?

01:56:42.000 Denver was a great scene.

01:56:43.000 It's still a great scene.

01:56:44.000 There's not that many scenes, man.

01:56:45.000 There's not that many comedy scenes.

01:56:47.000 Austin has a scene.

01:56:48.000 San Francisco has a scene.

01:56:51.000 Denver has a nice scene.

01:56:53.000 Boston, I guess, still has a little bit of a scene, but not really.

01:56:56.000 They're holding on to dear life.

01:56:57.000 I feel so bad because it was the first place.

01:57:00.000 They're one of the best!

01:57:00.000 Birthplace.

01:57:01.000 One of the best places of all time.

01:57:03.000 When I was there in the 1980s, to this day, it's one of the best comedy club communities in the history of stand-up comedy.

01:57:10.000 It was the late 1980s in Boston.

01:57:13.000 It was a monster scene.

01:57:14.000 It was monstrous.

01:57:16.000 Here's the deal.

01:57:16.000 The comics should take over that city.

01:57:18.000 Just try.

01:57:19.000 Just set up rooms.

01:57:20.000 It's hard.

01:57:21.000 They need a leader.

01:57:23.000 They need a whole new movement down there.

01:57:27.000 I guess there's some guys putting it together.

01:57:29.000 I know...

01:57:30.000 I think they got some new club in Faneuil Hall.

01:57:32.000 Didn't he hear about that?

01:57:34.000 No.

01:57:34.000 I didn't know Rich Voss was playing at it.

01:57:35.000 Tim McIntyre's club, I believe.

01:57:38.000 So there's still talented guys there.

01:57:40.000 There's a few guys, but man, it's just not what he used to be.

01:57:43.000 Anything about Patrice O'Neal, anybody?

01:57:45.000 I haven't heard anything.

01:57:46.000 Anything online?

01:57:47.000 No.

01:57:47.000 I just heard it's bad.

01:57:48.000 It's a bad stroke.

01:57:49.000 I don't know any details.

01:57:51.000 And what about Ralphie May?

01:57:52.000 Is Ralphie out there?

01:57:53.000 Just while I'm here in the hospital this morning, I heard my prayers go out to him and his family.

01:57:56.000 I just heard that he's in ICU in Tampa.

01:57:59.000 Yeah.

01:58:00.000 His wife, his dad was going to call it tonight.

01:58:01.000 What happened?

01:58:02.000 He had pneumonia?

01:58:03.000 Pneumonia on the ship.

01:58:04.000 He was saying on his Twitter that he's been having pneumonia for a long time.

01:58:07.000 Every time I looked at his Twitter, I was like, he still has pneumonia?

01:58:10.000 What the fuck?

01:58:10.000 He was in the infirmary on the ship.

01:58:14.000 So he went on the ship to do comedy with this guy that's a big radio.

01:58:18.000 He's like the Howard Stern of Tampa.

01:58:20.000 He has that area.

01:58:22.000 What's the guy's name?

01:58:23.000 Bullhead?

01:58:24.000 Cowhead.

01:58:25.000 Cowhead's radio.

01:58:27.000 They do a cruise.

01:58:27.000 I guess he got sick on the cruise.

01:58:30.000 Wow.

01:58:30.000 Is Mancow still on in Chicago?

01:58:34.000 No, Mancow is not on in Chicago anymore, I don't think.

01:58:37.000 I think he was on the internet.

01:58:39.000 He had some sort of internet thing going on now.

01:58:41.000 I don't know what's going on with that guy.

01:58:42.000 I used to follow him on Twitter, but I haven't seen any of his shit in a while.

01:58:46.000 So they said that he had a blood clot in his leg this morning.

01:58:50.000 That's the last thing they told me about Ralph.

01:58:51.000 How dangerous is it?

01:58:52.000 Like I said, I got it from three horses.

01:58:55.000 I got it from messages.

01:58:57.000 So once I get it from her, I don't want to say what's wrong or what's not wrong.

01:59:01.000 Well, you look at a guy like Patrice, and he's obviously physically really big and definitely overweight and not healthy, but Ralphie's bigger than him.

01:59:09.000 Is Ralphie bigger than him now?

01:59:10.000 Oh, yeah.

01:59:11.000 Ralphie's bigger than Patrice.

01:59:12.000 Patrice never got as big as Ralphie.

01:59:15.000 Patrice is a big fucking guy.

01:59:16.000 I thought Patrice was a lot taller.

01:59:18.000 Yeah?

01:59:19.000 Yeah, Patrice is a lot taller.

01:59:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:59:22.000 He's from Boston originally.

01:59:23.000 Yep.

01:59:24.000 Him and Bill Burr are the last wave.

01:59:26.000 They're the last wave of talented guys to leave Boston.

01:59:29.000 I mean, I'm not saying those guys couldn't come out of there right now still and make it, but Patrice and Bill Burr were the last guys that I was hearing about.

01:59:37.000 They were like a little bit after me.

01:59:39.000 You know, after I had left.

01:59:42.000 You know, we're all going to go, Joey.

01:59:44.000 So it's a matter of prolonging this experience and staying as healthy as possible while you're enjoying this experience.

01:59:52.000 But the way Patrice is going, we're all going to go eventually.

01:59:57.000 You ready to go?

01:59:58.000 Not yet.

01:59:59.000 No.

01:59:59.000 I'm not ready yet.

02:00:00.000 I have work to do.

02:00:02.000 I have a lot of shit to do here.

02:00:04.000 I'm still not done.

02:00:05.000 And I have kids.

02:00:06.000 And I like them.

02:00:07.000 I like hanging around with them.

02:00:08.000 You know that's the only...

02:00:10.000 Like I know you've always been pretty open about your opinions about space and...

02:00:16.000 Satellites and all the other stuff, and it's weird.

02:00:18.000 As I was growing up, I didn't have time to think of a lot of things.

02:00:21.000 I had my mind focused on how to fucking rock and roll every day.

02:00:24.000 How to survive.

02:00:25.000 But there's one thing that's always intrigued me, and that's the day before.

02:00:30.000 What do you feel the week before?

02:00:32.000 When you know you're going to die.

02:00:34.000 Yeah, you just feel that I just want to know.

02:00:38.000 You always talk about time machines.

02:00:41.000 I see all this technology.

02:00:42.000 I wish I had a time machine for one day.

02:00:45.000 You always heard that.

02:00:46.000 People say, I wish I had 10 years back.

02:00:48.000 I wish I had it for one day, just to be a kid again, just to have that feeling to run around.

02:00:52.000 To see those people.

02:00:53.000 I come right back and probably fucking ice myself or something.

02:00:56.000 That's the only...

02:00:56.000 But I always wondered what happens when you close your eyes.

02:00:59.000 Like, where the fuck do you go?

02:01:01.000 Oh, wow, oh, wow, oh, wow.

02:01:02.000 That always intrigues the fuck out of me right there.

02:01:04.000 Oh, wow, oh, wow is what Steve Jobs said.

02:01:06.000 Those were his last words.

02:01:08.000 Last words.

02:01:08.000 Oh, wow, oh, wow.

02:01:09.000 That's when the DMT kicked in.

02:01:15.000 It's crazy because it's so weird how the DMT works.

02:01:18.000 You ever hear stories, like I heard a friend of mine, oh, his mom was in a diet, she goes, open the curtains, let me go join my grandfather.

02:01:25.000 You know, people always say, well, you had a spiritual experience.

02:01:28.000 Duh, that's a DMT, you dumb motherfucker.

02:01:30.000 You've known about these people all your fucking life.

02:01:32.000 You know they're out there, so now that's a DMT taking you.

02:01:36.000 Well, we know your brain makes the craziest shit that you could take.

02:01:39.000 That's pretty weird.

02:01:40.000 That your own human body makes the strongest psychedelic drug known to man.

02:01:45.000 Your own body makes it.

02:01:47.000 What purpose is that?

02:01:48.000 Why would your body make that?

02:01:50.000 It's a chemical doorway.

02:01:52.000 Somebody was telling me, I think it's rabbits.

02:01:56.000 Rabbits have something naturally that before they get attacked by a hawk or an animal, their body goes into something that puts them in like a euphoric state.

02:02:06.000 Really?

02:02:07.000 So they know they're going to go.

02:02:09.000 If they have it, I feel like all animals, even us, we have to have it in a way.

02:02:13.000 It's probably part of life.

02:02:15.000 It's probably, you know, one day we'll probably find out that what life is is just a brief experience and an infinite number of experiences.

02:02:25.000 That this one type of reality, this one dimension, life, human life as we exist in right now on this planet, in this solar system, is really just a part of an infinite number of different experiences.

02:02:39.000 And that this is just one of them.

02:02:40.000 And the next one might be something completely outside of your body.

02:02:44.000 It might be some crazy dimension of infinite geometric patterns.

02:02:50.000 And then the next one might be something different.

02:02:53.000 It might be a constant cycle.

02:02:55.000 We don't know.

02:02:55.000 Did you ever feel something?

02:02:57.000 Did you think about something and feel something that was strong about you?

02:03:01.000 Did you ever think you were here before?

02:03:03.000 Do you ever think in your mind...

02:03:05.000 It's possible.

02:03:06.000 It's possible that you live your life over and over and over again.

02:03:08.000 Just as possible as it is to live your life, it's just as possible that you might live the exact same life over and over again.

02:03:13.000 Who knows?

02:03:14.000 We literally might live it over and over again until we get it right.

02:03:17.000 Did you think you were...

02:03:18.000 Like, I always think in the back of my...

02:03:19.000 Seriously.

02:03:20.000 Yeah.

02:03:21.000 Three guys in the fucking room telling you what I thought I was before this.

02:03:24.000 I think I was a Roman fucking soldier.

02:03:25.000 Really?

02:03:26.000 Just something about that time that's always fucking made me weak.

02:03:30.000 Whenever...

02:03:31.000 Bro, you know why I don't go to church?

02:03:32.000 What?

02:03:33.000 I like religion.

02:03:34.000 You know, it's something, it's a door.

02:03:36.000 I like when I lived in Boulder.

02:03:37.000 I went to the Roper Institute.

02:03:39.000 I enjoyed all those readings.

02:03:40.000 I enjoyed the Buddhist religion.

02:03:42.000 It's very interesting.

02:03:43.000 The thing that's always killed me is the 12 stations of the cross.

02:03:47.000 That thing in the church always has killed me.

02:03:50.000 I don't know what that is.

02:03:51.000 It's the last steps of Jesus, how he got fucking beat up and he stopped and Mary Magdalene wiped his face and they hit him with a stick and You know, that's always really...

02:04:00.000 I don't know why.

02:04:01.000 Just...

02:04:02.000 That feeling has always made me feel like...

02:04:04.000 I could say I was a cowboy in a previous life.

02:04:06.000 So you really feel like at one point in time...

02:04:08.000 You lived in the Roman Empire.

02:04:10.000 Like a Roman fucking empire.

02:04:11.000 I don't know...

02:04:12.000 Like whenever I hear that word to Caligula...

02:04:14.000 I don't like it.

02:04:15.000 It means orgy, whatever the fuck it meant in that movie, whatever.

02:04:18.000 But it's like I heard it before.

02:04:19.000 Like, when I heard it, it didn't...

02:04:21.000 Well, you know, there's a lot of people that believe that memory is passed down through genetics, and that's why you're afraid of certain things as a kid.

02:04:26.000 Like, you know, like, little kids are always scared of monsters.

02:04:29.000 And the reason is that a long time ago, you know, when we were monkeys...

02:04:32.000 People were getting eaten left and right by jaguars.

02:04:35.000 So what are you scared of?

02:04:36.000 You were scared of something in the night that has big teeth.

02:04:38.000 Why?

02:04:39.000 Because it's cats.

02:04:40.000 And some people would get away from those big cats and survive, and then they would retain those memories, and those memories would literally be transferred from their DNA into the next generation.

02:04:49.000 You're on fire today.

02:04:51.000 Makes sense, right?

02:04:51.000 The same thing goes.

02:04:52.000 I talked to somebody who said, I know why you, and this is, I always thought I was a Roman soldier.

02:04:57.000 But this is where it sealed it.

02:05:00.000 Somebody said to me that that thing you have with blood is a mechanism.

02:05:03.000 And I looked it up.

02:05:05.000 A mechanism.

02:05:05.000 A mechanism that my body used because my ancestors were warriors.

02:05:11.000 And that was a mechanism they used.

02:05:12.000 When people came and slayed them, they would make believe that from the blood they would pass out.

02:05:17.000 It was a reaction.

02:05:17.000 And the soldiers thought they were dead.

02:05:19.000 I fucking swear.

02:05:20.000 I forget the name of it.

02:05:21.000 I went and looked it up.

02:05:22.000 That's hilarious.

02:05:23.000 There's so many people around you were killed by swords.

02:05:26.000 So when you see blood, you just black out.

02:05:28.000 Blood, you just black the fuck out.

02:05:28.000 And that's how a few people would survive.

02:05:30.000 They would survive.

02:05:31.000 What a fucked up thing for somebody to say to me.

02:05:33.000 I was like...

02:05:34.000 Wow!

02:05:35.000 And I went home going, holy fuck, I definitely got to smoke weed by 2 o'clock.

02:05:39.000 Because that was deep and shit.

02:05:41.000 Because I tell people, I always want...

02:05:43.000 Bro, you want to overcome your fears.

02:05:45.000 We all do.

02:05:45.000 You know, I hated heights.

02:05:47.000 I became a fucking roofer in college.

02:05:48.000 I don't give a fuck.

02:05:49.000 You did it on purpose?

02:05:51.000 Yeah!

02:05:51.000 The only way to fucking be scared of heights is to look at...

02:05:54.000 Don't even look at a ladder.

02:05:55.000 What do I got to bring up this ladder?

02:05:56.000 Put that motherfucker on your thing and walk up with one hand.

02:05:59.000 And the thing wasn't walking up.

02:06:01.000 It was getting back on the ladder off that roof.

02:06:03.000 That's the confidence.

02:06:04.000 I did that for 18 months.

02:06:05.000 Just to fucking...

02:06:06.000 I'm one of those guys.

02:06:07.000 Getting on a ladder from a roof to a ladder is very exciting.

02:06:10.000 You feel it sliding left and right.

02:06:13.000 You can die.

02:06:15.000 I used to clean windows.

02:06:16.000 It sucked.

02:06:16.000 I don't know how I ever did it.

02:06:17.000 That's how broke I was.

02:06:18.000 Windows and fucking big skyscrapers and they have those Those fucking guys slowly work their way down the skyscraper Scary must that be you molested by ground Steve Burke one of my good friends was a window wash at the World Trade Center Oh my God.

02:06:37.000 And my buddy, who's got the cans and dine, was the guy who was a supervisor.

02:06:40.000 He ran the cruise.

02:06:42.000 They had 16 buildings.

02:06:44.000 My hands are sweating.

02:06:45.000 You're talking about that?

02:06:46.000 My hands just started sweating.

02:06:47.000 Dog.

02:06:47.000 Thinking about being a windshield washer, window washer.

02:06:50.000 And the day, he was an alky.

02:06:51.000 And the day they got here, he was at the bar across the street banging it.

02:06:54.000 Oh my God.

02:06:55.000 Yeah, it was a Monday or a Tuesday.

02:06:57.000 The first time they got banged, it was a Friday.

02:06:59.000 He was across the street banging drinks.

02:07:01.000 Dude, I'm all nervous.

02:07:01.000 And the second time he got banged, They got the towers hit.

02:07:05.000 He was still down to Jersey Shore.

02:07:07.000 That was his vacation week.

02:07:08.000 Two times.

02:07:09.000 Wow.

02:07:09.000 That's incredible.

02:07:10.000 And he don't say much.

02:07:12.000 I mean, Steve was always the weird one.

02:07:13.000 He's the one that stopped drinking.

02:07:14.000 He was the one that drank every day in the 80s when the Iran captives, the 144 days.

02:07:19.000 He didn't take a shower or a drink.

02:07:21.000 Really?

02:07:21.000 He would play football with the mud from the summer.

02:07:24.000 It was fucking horrid, but that was his...

02:07:25.000 He was crazy.

02:07:26.000 He was always crazy.

02:07:27.000 So he did it out of solidarity for the captives?

02:07:29.000 Out of solidarity.

02:07:29.000 This is at one point of his life.

02:07:31.000 Do they have, like, windshield washers?

02:07:33.000 They had them all the way up to, like, the 100th floor?

02:07:35.000 Well, your job is windows.

02:07:37.000 You know, by the time you get to this one, you gotta do that one.

02:07:39.000 So you just go up...

02:07:41.000 So it's every day?

02:07:42.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:07:42.000 Every day, because there's so many windows.

02:07:44.000 Oh, and then, you know, sometimes they send you to the...

02:07:45.000 How long does it take?

02:07:47.000 Dog, I need to change the scenery.

02:07:48.000 We'll send you to 88th Street.

02:07:50.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:07:50.000 You go to 88th Street, and they probably got like a, you know, a 44 building.

02:07:54.000 And you probably don't even get paid that well.

02:07:55.000 Oh, fuck no.

02:07:56.000 Yeah, you do your union.

02:07:58.000 30, 40 hours an hour, benefits.

02:08:00.000 Why don't they just like make something...

02:08:01.000 35 hour weeks.

02:08:03.000 You know, it ain't bad.

02:08:04.000 I mean, we're working fucking stiff with balls.

02:08:06.000 A knucklehead guy from the neighborhood.

02:08:08.000 It's not a bad fucking job, you know?

02:08:10.000 You think they would have just like self-washing windows now.

02:08:13.000 Well, now.

02:08:13.000 You know, like start at the top, there's like water, a hose.

02:08:15.000 Yeah, now you would think they would have a, yeah, you would, like, it would be open a little bit so you could replace the blade, put it back on.

02:08:22.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:08:23.000 Yeah, but the union probably avoids that.

02:08:26.000 They probably have contracts with the construction unions to make sure that they have the window washers union and gets to work it.

02:08:32.000 Alright, that's the end of this podcast.

02:08:35.000 Where you going?

02:08:36.000 Trick or treat, motherfuckers.

02:08:37.000 I gotta go trick or treating.

02:08:38.000 I'm gonna dress up as a pirate.

02:08:41.000 Happy Halloween to all you dirty bitches.

02:08:42.000 Happy Halloween, bitches.

02:08:44.000 Follow Joey Diaz on Twitter.

02:08:45.000 It's Mad Flavor.

02:08:47.000 Mad Flavor on Twitter.

02:08:48.000 And he also has a podcast on iTunes, Beauty and Da Beast, with the aforementioned Felicia Michaels.

02:08:54.000 Felicia motherfucking Michaels.

02:08:55.000 And of course, Red Band is Red Band on Twitter.

02:08:57.000 On fire.

02:08:58.000 Joe Rogan on Twitter.

02:08:59.000 Thank you to the pod...

02:09:00.000 To what?

02:09:01.000 To the Podcasting Federation of America?

02:09:03.000 That's right.

02:09:04.000 We're now number one.

02:09:06.000 Congratulations, brother.

02:09:07.000 Thank you to Fleshlight.

02:09:08.000 That's right.

02:09:09.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:09:16.000 And like I said, the only one that hasn't used it is Joey.

02:09:20.000 He refuses, but that's because of his old school.

02:09:23.000 Don't forget, NOCC, 4854 Lancashire.

02:09:27.000 They got these $5 cookies.

02:09:28.000 I'm fucked up right now.

02:09:30.000 And over here, Divine Inter Wellness, whatever, N-O-C-C, go in there, tell them you see me, and they give you a free fucking cookie.

02:09:36.000 That's how I run.

02:09:37.000 Really?

02:09:37.000 Yeah.

02:09:38.000 You say you saw Joe Diaz, you get a free cookie?

02:09:40.000 Yeah.

02:09:40.000 Where are they at again?

02:09:42.000 4854 Lancashire.

02:09:43.000 They get a lot of people going in there for you?

02:09:44.000 Yeah.

02:09:45.000 In fact, I'm going to start meeting people like Thursdays from 4 to 6 there.

02:09:49.000 It's 48-what?

02:09:50.000 What is it again?

02:09:51.000 4854 Lancashire.

02:09:52.000 My love of this fucking place.

02:09:53.000 4854 Lancashire.

02:09:54.000 Yeah, they're great people.

02:09:56.000 Serge, the girl, Vienna.

02:09:58.000 And what's the name of it again?

02:10:00.000 N-O-C-C. Well, you know I'm fucked up.

02:10:01.000 What's with the questions?

02:10:02.000 I feel like I'm alone.

02:10:03.000 Some people can go there.

02:10:03.000 N-O-C-C. Say Joe Diaz sent you.

02:10:06.000 Get yourself a free cookie, bitches.

02:10:08.000 That's right, bitches.

02:10:09.000 Thank you to Onnit.com.

02:10:10.000 O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain.

02:10:13.000 The cognitive enhancement supplement.

02:10:17.000 I take them.

02:10:18.000 Every day.

02:10:19.000 A blue one?

02:10:19.000 We've got a 90 stack now.

02:10:21.000 Oh, shit.

02:10:23.000 Look at that one.

02:10:24.000 90 stack alpha brain.

02:10:25.000 And, yeah, that's the alien.

02:10:25.000 Look at that fucking hole.

02:10:27.000 Holy stuff.

02:10:28.000 That's the alien.

02:10:29.000 How's that feel?

02:10:30.000 They have a bunch of zombie.

02:10:32.000 No.

02:10:32.000 They have robot fleshlights now.

02:10:34.000 Looks like you're fucking a cyborg.

02:10:35.000 Yeah.

02:10:36.000 I saw that.

02:10:36.000 They're very creative, those fleshlights.

02:10:38.000 They offered Lindsay Lohan a million bucks to take a mold of her pussy.

02:10:41.000 Now that, I would not understand why she wouldn't do that.

02:10:43.000 That seems like the best idea ever.

02:10:45.000 She should do it.

02:10:46.000 Probably will keep her out of Disney movies for life.

02:10:48.000 They don't have enough fucking rubber to go that deep in that fucking dead snatch.

02:10:52.000 That's like sticking a fucking pipe in Bremerton.

02:10:55.000 Bremerton, Washington.

02:10:56.000 Deepest point.

02:10:57.000 Can you imagine how deep?

02:10:58.000 I bet you got good nasty Irish pussy with freckles on it.

02:11:01.000 Yeah, make it orange with freckles.

02:11:04.000 A lot of freckles.

02:11:06.000 I never asked, so it smells like fucking wine and cigarettes and shit and Marlboro lights.

02:11:10.000 Turpentine.

02:11:11.000 You just smell that little muff when you think of a fucking Marlboro man, you know what I'm saying?

02:11:15.000 Have you ever scratched your balls and it was too bad and you had to wake up, go up and wash them?

02:11:19.000 I think this podcast is over.

02:11:21.000 Brian is just throwing anchors, rocks everywhere.

02:11:25.000 Lindsey's ass, and you're killing me here.

02:11:27.000 Good night, everybody.

02:11:28.000 We'll see you tomorrow.

02:11:29.000 David Tell's supposed to be on tomorrow, but I haven't been in contact with him.

02:11:32.000 Hopefully, we'll deal with him.

02:11:33.000 Shane Smith is, unfortunately, in New York, so we're still trying to work that out.

02:11:36.000 We'll figure out how to do it.

02:11:37.000 We might try Skype.

02:11:38.000 Can we do a Skype one, Brian?

02:11:39.000 It just sounds like shit.

02:11:41.000 We'll make it happen, bitches.

02:11:42.000 Happy Halloween.

02:11:44.000 Thank you all.

02:11:45.000 Keep it together.

02:11:46.000 Stay black.

02:11:47.000 Experience.

02:11:49.000 I cast my night!

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 31, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #153 - Joey Diaz

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