The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #154 - Sam Tripoli

00:00:00.000 Do you have any sugar over there?

00:00:01.000 No sugar.

00:00:02.000 We have a thing called Stevia.

00:00:05.000 It's like a natural.

00:00:05.000 Where is it, Ron?

00:00:06.000 Hey, Ron.

00:00:07.000 We're on?

00:00:08.000 Yeah.

00:00:09.000 It's right over there, fella.

00:00:11.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by the Fleshlight.

00:00:15.000 My boy Sam Tripoli got his first Fleshlight today and he is muy exited, though.

00:00:19.000 It's like Christmas up in here.

00:00:21.000 It is like, Chris.

00:00:22.000 Don't put too much of that stuff in.

00:00:23.000 Yeah, it's very strong.

00:00:24.000 It's not sugar.

00:00:25.000 It's super healthy, though, man.

00:00:27.000 Super healthy.

00:00:28.000 Sam Tripoli, first Fleshlight ever.

00:00:31.000 Today, we'll be christening it.

00:00:33.000 Folks, you know, it's a silly product, and people go, well, why do you have the Fleshlight sponsoring your podcast?

00:00:38.000 Like, what's up with that?

00:00:39.000 Like, it's kind of like...

00:00:41.000 Why wouldn't you?

00:00:43.000 Well, because I think people think that there's something silly and there's something where people are not going to take you seriously. 1.00

00:00:49.000 You know, you're admitting to fucking some fake vagina, you know? 1.00

00:00:53.000 But here's the thing. 1.00

00:00:54.000 I do shows and I have like a sex toy company named Fun Factory does my live shows with me and they have the Cadillacs of fucking vibrators and girls go crazy over that shit. 1.00

00:01:05.000 You ever give away a vibrator? 1.00

00:01:07.000 Girls are allowed to get vibrators. 1.00

00:01:08.000 Dudes are not allowed.

00:01:09.000 What did guys have before?

00:01:11.000 Like something that smelled like a raft that you pop. 0.83

00:01:14.000 Yeah, those things were useless.

00:01:15.000 When Fleshlight came along, there was nothing else. 0.99

00:01:16.000 It's fucking good, dude. 0.98

00:01:18.000 It's good. 0.99

00:01:19.000 I have used it several times.

00:01:21.000 It's way better than beating off.

00:01:22.000 And that's like a weird thing to admit. 0.98

00:01:24.000 People don't want to admit that they masturbate. 0.99

00:01:25.000 My name is Joe Rogan, and I masturbate. 1.00

00:01:28.000 So this podcast is brought to you by the Fleshlight because it's a fucking solid product, man. 0.99

00:01:32.000 All right? 0.98

00:01:33.000 Forget about all the...

00:01:34.000 What? 0.98

00:01:34.000 When I first moved out here, I didn't masturbate or talk about masturbation to anybody. 0.98

00:01:38.000 You were the first person to... 0.96

00:01:39.000 Yeah, but you're from Ohio.

00:01:40.000 You're the first person that I would remember you were always talking about it.

00:01:43.000 I'm like, I should talk about it. 0.84

00:01:44.000 And I remember I started talking about masturbating and then now it's just like I do it every day.

00:01:48.000 There are definitely some suppressed people out there. 0.95

00:01:50.000 In Ohio?

00:01:51.000 Oh, hell yeah.

00:01:52.000 How about everywhere, man?

00:01:53.000 All over the country.

00:01:53.000 You're just hanging out with comedians now.

00:01:56.000 Anyway, if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the flashlight, that was an extended commercial.

00:02:00.000 It was.

00:02:01.000 That was great. 0.99

00:02:02.000 Because I've taken shit about this product. 1.00

00:02:04.000 People think it's ridiculous. 0.99

00:02:05.000 I used it the other day. 0.99

00:02:06.000 It's a good product, goddammit.

00:02:08.000 There's nothing wrong with it.

00:02:09.000 I think, you know, people are like, well, some people are not going to want to associate with you because you're associated with the fleshlight.

00:02:14.000 Good.

00:02:15.000 Who are these people?

00:02:15.000 I don't want to even walk around eggshells.

00:02:17.000 Who knows, bro?

00:02:18.000 Who knows?

00:02:18.000 I don't get that.

00:02:19.000 They're out there, and they're the people that want to stop Occupy Wall Street. 0.70

00:02:23.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link and enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. 0.95

00:02:31.000 Sam Tripoli is also going to get some alpha brain today. 0.78

00:02:33.000 Oh.

00:02:33.000 I'm very excited about this.

00:02:35.000 We're also sponsored by AlphaBrain.

00:02:37.000 If you go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. We have a bunch of products now. 1.00

00:02:42.000 We have AlphaBrain, and then we have this new Mood. 0.98

00:02:46.000 A new Mood is a 5-HTP supplement, which I found out about that shit from Neil Brennan.

00:02:52.000 But there's a bunch of different things that you can do. 0.97

00:02:54.000 They're called nootropics to tweak your mind.

00:02:56.000 And this alpha brain thing has not been without controversy, I have to be honest. 0.99

00:03:01.000 There's people who love it, and there's people who say it's a placebo, it doesn't do shit.

00:03:06.000 I mean, people have been taking these particular nutrients like choline and a bunch of different other ones. 0.90

00:03:12.000 They're referred to as nootropics.

00:03:14.000 They've been taking them for thousands of years.

00:03:17.000 And the idea behind it is that it just makes you think a little clearer. 1.00

00:03:20.000 It's not this fucking Bradley Cooper limitless shit. 1.00

00:03:24.000 It's not going to make you smart if you're dumb, but I like the way it affects me. 1.00

00:03:28.000 I take two every morning with water. 0.99

00:03:31.000 And I believe in it.

00:03:32.000 And, you know, there's a lot of controversy about it, though.

00:03:34.000 There's controversy about the science behind it, and we are doing the best to clear up all that stuff.

00:03:38.000 I'm going to release a new document tonight.

00:03:40.000 I think it might already be up there on it for people who are concerned about the amount of L-dopa in it from a bean, the velvet bean, actually.

00:03:48.000 It's an extract, a food extract.

00:03:49.000 The idea behind all this is that I think the body works better when it's supplemented with nutrients, with a lot of nutrients.

00:03:57.000 I think you work better when you take fish oil, There's a lot of controversy behind that.

00:04:01.000 I think your body works better.

00:04:02.000 I know my joints work better when I take fish oil, for sure.

00:04:05.000 No question about it, because I do a lot of really hard training.

00:04:08.000 I do jujitsu and lift weights.

00:04:10.000 And when I don't take fish oil, I notice a difference in how my joints feel.

00:04:14.000 Well, you're fine-tuned.

00:04:14.000 You have a fine-tuned instrument.

00:04:16.000 And I take vitamins.

00:04:18.000 I take multivitamins.

00:04:19.000 I take a colloidal mineral drink every day.

00:04:21.000 I do a lot of different...

00:04:22.000 I drink a lot of fresh-squeezed juices.

00:04:25.000 I'm very concerned with keeping my body running at a good place.

00:04:30.000 You know, keeping my body running healthy and well-fulfilled. 0.99

00:04:34.000 I always want to make sure I got the right shit in it. 0.98

00:04:36.000 And when I take this stuff, when I take this Alphabene, I can definitely notice a difference. 0.98

00:04:40.000 I don't know if everybody can.

00:04:41.000 Maybe some people are just negative.

00:04:43.000 Maybe some people's bodies are just different.

00:04:45.000 It's weird.

00:04:46.000 The variations are people love it. 0.98

00:04:50.000 Mayhem Miller is fucking in love with this stuff. 0.95

00:04:53.000 Do you think it's people that are just not fine-tuned to themselves? 0.99

00:04:55.000 It could be.

00:04:56.000 I never would have thought of that.

00:04:57.000 There's another product that we're selling that took me a while to be sold on.

00:05:01.000 It's based on the Cordyceps Mushroom.

00:05:03.000 It's called Shroom Tech.

00:05:05.000 And the cordyceps mushroom is a mushroom that enhances your body's ability to utilize oxygen.

00:05:10.000 Olympic athletes in China used it and won a bunch of medals.

00:05:14.000 And this mushroom, we've known for many, many hundreds of years that people in Tibet and people in high altitudes will eat certain roots and certain plants to make them feel better.

00:05:25.000 Like, you know, in the Andes, where...

00:05:28.000 In Peru, rather, they chew cocoa leaves, you know, because they're like way up high in the mountains.

00:05:34.000 And, you know, they figured out, well, what's the best nutrient to help us up here? 0.99

00:05:38.000 Well, it turns out it's fucking cocaine. 0.99

00:05:40.000 Well, that makes sense. 1.00

00:05:41.000 Eating the cocoa leaves, yeah.

00:05:42.000 But people have been taking these extracts, you know, like velvet bean, especially one of the ingredients in alpha brain, they've been taking it for thousands of years.

00:05:50.000 And if you think it's too expensive, I totally understand.

00:05:53.000 We use the best ingredients available, and it's not cheap.

00:05:57.000 So, what I would suggest you do is go to the website.

00:06:00.000 If you're interested in nootropics, first of all, just read up on them.

00:06:03.000 The internet is amazing, right?

00:06:04.000 Just enter in the word nootropic, N-O-O-tropic, and, you know, you can find out so much information about all the different compounds and different ones that people offer, not just Alphabrain.

00:06:14.000 There's a bunch of them on the market.

00:06:16.000 And there's a bunch of different individual ingredients that you can get.

00:06:19.000 If you want to try the specific formula that's in AlphaBrain, we list on Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, the exact ingredients.

00:06:26.000 So please, just buy it in bulk.

00:06:27.000 If it's a budget issue, buy it in bulk and try it.

00:06:31.000 And mix it up.

00:06:32.000 Find out what's good for you.

00:06:33.000 Find out about other things.

00:06:34.000 Find out about some of the other nutrients that are available that enhance cognitive function. 0.99

00:06:38.000 Just fuck around with it. 0.99

00:06:39.000 If you like to. 1.00

00:06:40.000 If you don't like to, not offended.

00:06:43.000 But it is a sponsor of the podcast.

00:06:44.000 And if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for AlphaBrain, enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 10% off.

00:06:50.000 A hotly debated issue, Sam Tripoli.

00:06:52.000 A lot of people have been giving me a hard time about this.

00:06:53.000 You are the 50 cents of podcasts.

00:06:55.000 You are pushing product.

00:06:57.000 I am.

00:06:57.000 I am pushing the product.

00:06:58.000 But it's only products that I believe in. 0.99

00:07:00.000 I think the Fleshlight is awesome to fuck. 1.00

00:07:02.000 Period. 1.00

00:07:03.000 I hope that becomes your like vitamin water where you sell it and you got a piece and it's like worth it.

00:07:08.000 I wish I had a piece of the fleshlight, but they were already huge before I came along.

00:07:11.000 But I have a piece of alpha brain.

00:07:12.000 Boom.

00:07:13.000 Boom.

00:07:13.000 But listen, if I didn't, I wouldn't say, I mean, if I didn't have a piece in it, I wouldn't say anything different than what I'm saying now.

00:07:21.000 This is something I believe in.

00:07:23.000 I might say it less because I'm not trying to sell it.

00:07:26.000 But I would say the truth.

00:07:27.000 And if I didn't believe in it, I wouldn't be selling it.

00:07:29.000 Period.

00:07:30.000 So think what you want.

00:07:32.000 Try what you like.

00:07:33.000 Don't be mean on the internet, though.

00:07:34.000 We're not trying to rip any money off.

00:07:35.000 Yeah, I hate to troll it, man.

00:07:36.000 Oh, and by the way, 100% money-back guarantee.

00:07:40.000 100%.

00:07:40.000 If at any time after you take it, you're not satisfied, I don't know how many days it is.

00:07:45.000 For AlphaBrain.

00:07:46.000 What is it, like 30 days or something like that?

00:07:48.000 15 days?

00:07:48.000 I don't know.

00:07:48.000 Whatever it is, it gives you a couple weeks to take it.

00:07:51.000 And you will feel some sort of an effect fairly quick.

00:07:54.000 How many days you gotta take it?

00:07:55.000 To feel an effect?

00:07:56.000 Right away.

00:07:56.000 It took me about two weeks, honestly.

00:07:59.000 To feel an effect?

00:07:59.000 Yeah, to feel an effect.

00:08:01.000 For a while, I was trying to figure it out.

00:08:03.000 Your body's so out of whack, dude, with cigarettes.

00:08:05.000 No, no, no.

00:08:06.000 It wasn't that immediate.

00:08:10.000 It's like taking a condemned house and throwing a new rug down on it.

00:08:14.000 And being like, why don't I look better?

00:08:16.000 It takes a lot of time.

00:08:17.000 I want you to take the test and let me know if you're the same as me.

00:08:19.000 It took me about two weeks to figure it out.

00:08:21.000 Look at our guts.

00:08:22.000 We have the same problems here, brother.

00:08:25.000 We kiss alike.

00:08:26.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:08:26.000 I don't smoke cigarettes, but we got the same problems.

00:08:28.000 So I'm sure we'll take a little time.

00:08:30.000 You want to start the show? 1.00

00:08:31.000 You would start this motherfucker off. 0.99

00:08:33.000 Sam Tripoli's in the house. 1.00

00:08:35.000 Live and proud.

00:08:36.000 I felt like I was on TED Talk for a second.

00:08:38.000 What we did was we just pushed products. 1.00

00:08:39.000 Oh shit. 0.99

00:08:40.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night. 1.00

00:08:42.000 All day.

00:08:43.000 Easily one of the greatest moments of my young life.

00:08:53.000 How'd that feel? 0.97

00:08:54.000 That was fucking awesome! 0.86

00:08:55.000 I didn't know I was going to say that when Nick Diaz said that. 0.96

00:08:58.000 That was so cool.

00:08:59.000 I was in my glories, dude.

00:09:00.000 I was in my glories. 0.99

00:09:01.000 I was like, oh, this is fucking the most awesome shit ever. 0.99

00:09:05.000 That could be better than if he said, hey, I'm so excited about fucking your TV show coming back. 1.00

00:09:11.000 This is even better. 0.98

00:09:12.000 No, that's nothing.

00:09:13.000 The podcast is way better.

00:09:15.000 Yeah, right?

00:09:15.000 What are you doing over there, Brian?

00:09:17.000 Are you going to sniff things again?

00:09:18.000 I don't know why I just smell that. 1.00

00:09:19.000 Fucking weirdo. 1.00

00:09:21.000 I just fucking smelled it for some reason. 1.00

00:09:23.000 Don't smell my pocket pussy. 1.00

00:09:24.000 I wonder what Brian's going to be like when he's like 60. Do you think he's going to have the same childish sense of humor? 1.00

00:09:29.000 I honestly did not realize I did that.

00:09:32.000 You didn't realize you sniffed it?

00:09:33.000 No, I have no idea why I just did that.

00:09:35.000 You know why?

00:09:35.000 Because you tell so many people to sniff yours at home.

00:09:37.000 No, I think it's just with new things.

00:09:39.000 I like smelling new things.

00:09:41.000 I do that.

00:09:42.000 I smell things.

00:09:43.000 I get a new laptop or a video game system.

00:09:46.000 We take off that styrofoam and go...

00:09:48.000 I ate lobster last night, and they give you the little bib thing, and you gotta put it on.

00:09:54.000 You know, it seems ridiculous, but my little daughter wanted me to put it on, and I decided to smell it.

00:09:58.000 And the bib smelled gross. 0.80

00:10:00.000 It's plastic, right?

00:10:02.000 Yeah, but like a weird plastic smell.

00:10:04.000 Not like the McDonald bibs or whatever?

00:10:06.000 Your kid likes lobster?

00:10:07.000 Yeah.

00:10:09.000 Really?

00:10:09.000 I don't think at that age I would ever go near lobster.

00:10:13.000 Really?

00:10:13.000 Yeah, because it's a kid.

00:10:14.000 It looks like a monster.

00:10:16.000 They eat octopus.

00:10:18.000 Really?

00:10:18.000 They eat octopus.

00:10:21.000 Doesn't your one like...

00:10:22.000 Oh, my daughters.

00:10:24.000 I was like, what?

00:10:24.000 Octopuses?

00:10:25.000 That'd be great.

00:10:26.000 Where's that video? 0.95

00:10:27.000 I was like, is that even fucking possible? 0.99

00:10:30.000 There's a fucking... 0.99

00:10:31.000 There's a group of people, believe it or not, called the Lobster Liberation Group. 1.00

00:10:34.000 And these motherfuckers, they go out and they break into markets and restaurants and they take the lobsters out and they release them in the wild. 1.00

00:10:43.000 Could you fucking imagine how dumb you have to be to risk your freedom? 1.00

00:10:49.000 Because you will go to jail for this. 1.00

00:10:51.000 Right.

00:10:51.000 Or...

00:10:52.000 For a bunch of soulless fucking bugs. 1.00

00:10:54.000 Or how cushy cushy your life must be that that's the problem that you want to solve in the world. 1.00

00:11:01.000 Jesus Christ.

00:11:01.000 Of all the problems, your credit cards must be paid off, your credit must be great, you must be on some kind of salary from your parents, that you want to go save little creatures from...

00:11:12.000 Water.

00:11:12.000 It's weird.

00:11:13.000 Yeah, and the little creatures that don't give a fuck about you. 1.00

00:11:16.000 Not only do they not give a fuck about you, they're too stupid to feel pain. 1.00

00:11:20.000 But what about the PETA thing about the killer whale where they're like people? 1.00

00:11:24.000 That's what they wanted to say, that they should have the right to people.

00:11:27.000 Killer whales are a completely different animal.

00:11:29.000 Now you're talking about something where I probably agree with them.

00:11:32.000 I think what's going on with killer whales is killer whales are a super intelligent life form that we can't understand.

00:11:37.000 And because we can't understand, I'm like...

00:11:40.000 What?

00:11:41.000 I can't hear you. 1.00

00:11:42.000 Get in the fucking cage. 1.00

00:11:43.000 They don't like going in cages. 1.00

00:11:45.000 They don't like being in those ponds. 1.00

00:11:46.000 They want to be in the goddamn ocean. 1.00

00:11:47.000 And they're really attached to their families. 1.00

00:11:49.000 And they steal them. 1.00

00:11:50.000 They steal them from their fucking mothers when they're babies, man. 1.00

00:11:54.000 It's really the most evil shit ever. 1.00

00:11:56.000 You know, dolphin training and orca training. 0.99

00:11:58.000 It might look cool because they're jumping up to get their fish.

00:12:01.000 But guess what?

00:12:01.000 They have to jump up to get their fish.

00:12:03.000 You don't know how depressed they are. 1.00

00:12:04.000 You don't know how fucked it must be to live that kind of a life. 1.00

00:12:07.000 It's like us getting abducted by aliens... 0.99

00:12:09.000 And they put us in a really small apartment complex with a pool.

00:12:14.000 And we all kind of hang out at the pool.

00:12:16.000 And that's exactly what it's like for these dolphins.

00:12:19.000 They have this forced social world, and they can never have freedom.

00:12:22.000 They can never be free.

00:12:24.000 In that sense, I think a dolphin sea world is never over. 0.99

00:12:27.000 It's fucked up. 0.98

00:12:28.000 It's for life? 1.00

00:12:29.000 Yeah, that's fucked up. 0.99

00:12:31.000 That's not cool. 0.99

00:12:32.000 I was thinking the other day about how I just got a dog.

00:12:35.000 You know, it's my first responsibility in a long time.

00:12:37.000 And I just watch this dog and all it does is, I'm basically, it's like Kathy Griffin's assistant.

00:12:43.000 I just get ran by this dog constantly.

00:12:46.000 And all she does is eat, poop, and eat herself out. 1.00

00:12:49.000 That's pretty much all my dog does.

00:12:50.000 She eats herself out all day? 0.82

00:12:51.000 All day!

00:12:51.000 How old is this dog?

00:12:53.000 A little under, about a year, a little over a year.

00:12:56.000 And I'm like, if aliens come and make us pets, is this what I'm going to be able to do?

00:13:00.000 Because that's not so bad. 1.00

00:13:01.000 I could just eat and then suck myself off. 1.00

00:13:04.000 That's ridiculous, Sam. 1.00

00:13:05.000 First of all, you can't suck your own dick. 1.00

00:13:06.000 I could try. 1.00

00:13:07.000 Second of all, really?

00:13:08.000 You don't want to have the freedom to go as you choose? 0.99

00:13:11.000 That's ridiculous. 0.96

00:13:12.000 Well, I don't know, man. 0.98

00:13:13.000 So the number one thing that would drive you the most crazy is to know that your existence is defined by four walls forever.

00:13:19.000 For a person, that's maddening.

00:13:21.000 A person wants to experience new things.

00:13:24.000 It's a natural thing.

00:13:25.000 Check out new movies.

00:13:26.000 Go down to a new restaurant.

00:13:28.000 Go drive through a new neighborhood.

00:13:30.000 It's part of what we are.

00:13:31.000 We like to explore things.

00:13:33.000 We're curious.

00:13:33.000 You tell a person that this is all you're going to see.

00:13:36.000 This is the only input you're going to get forever. 1.00

00:13:38.000 They'll go fucking crazy. 1.00

00:13:39.000 They will go crazy. 1.00

00:13:40.000 That's what we're doing to those dolphins.

00:13:41.000 That's what we're doing to those orcas.

00:13:43.000 We just assume that because they can't alter their environment that they can't be as intelligent as us.

00:13:47.000 But they could be.

00:13:49.000 As a matter of fact, the cerebral cortex of an orca is like 40% larger than that of a human being.

00:13:53.000 So we don't know.

00:13:54.000 We don't know if that's because it has to manipulate this really super large body. 0.98

00:13:57.000 Because we do know that Neanderthals were dumber than people, but they had bigger brains. 0.99

00:14:01.000 So it might have been just because Neanderthals had basically superhero bodies. 0.97

00:14:05.000 Right. 0.97

00:14:06.000 You know, they were like, a Neanderthal was like 5'3", 200 fucking pounds of solid muscle with this crazy bone structure like a chimp. 1.00

00:14:13.000 But you don't know, man. 0.96

00:14:14.000 Maybe, you know, I mean, they could be as smart because they were starting from less.

00:14:18.000 Do you know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:14:18.000 It's like, we're farther along in the past, so we're dealing with more complex shit. 0.99

00:14:22.000 But you had to start at the simplest thought. 0.98

00:14:25.000 And then build on that over time.

00:14:27.000 You may have just had the same kind of ability to think, but you have to start at nothing and build at something.

00:14:33.000 Do you understand what I'm saying?

00:14:34.000 Yeah, they don't quite know whether or not Neanderthals were making tools before they learned them from Homo sapiens either.

00:14:40.000 They don't know.

00:14:41.000 I think there's a lot of debate on that. 0.98

00:14:43.000 I think they think that the Homo sapiens just fucking basically wiped them out. 0.98

00:14:46.000 Right. 0.99

00:14:47.000 We were just too clever.

00:14:48.000 But that might be wrong.

00:14:49.000 Who knows?

00:14:50.000 Maybe they were smart too.

00:14:51.000 What if all their cell phones just disintegrated from that long ago?

00:14:54.000 That's a good point.

00:14:55.000 What if their heads were that big because they were looking on their screens so much and the internet made their heads bigger and then they all got wiped out and died?

00:15:02.000 Do you really think that there could have possibly been an internet at some point in the past?

00:15:05.000 Yes.

00:15:06.000 I think so?

00:15:06.000 Definitely.

00:15:07.000 Really?

00:15:07.000 100%.

00:15:08.000 Really?

00:15:08.000 I think so.

00:15:09.000 How many thousands of years ago do you think it would have to have been?

00:15:11.000 Like six.

00:15:12.000 No, I'm just kidding.

00:15:15.000 I mean, but based on what...

00:15:17.000 The only problem with saying six is because...

00:15:18.000 30,000 years ago.

00:15:20.000 Yeah, so you've got to go way back, because six we know.

00:15:22.000 We go to six and we know, like, they know that Sumerian text, they know they wrote in cuneiform, it's just weird, it looks like little, like, nails.

00:15:33.000 You know, like old nails?

00:15:34.000 Right.

00:15:35.000 You ever see how an old nail's not like a straight line with a flat top on it?

00:15:38.000 But it's almost like the whole piece is like, you know, angled.

00:15:41.000 And that's what their writing looked like.

00:15:43.000 It looked like old nails, like sideways and upside down. 0.99

00:15:46.000 Really weird, fucking crazy language when you think about it. 0.98

00:15:49.000 Because it was all basically... 0.98

00:15:50.000 Most of the same characters just reused in some weird order that they understood and they had come to agree on.

00:15:57.000 And so we had to sort of decipher that because it's a dead language.

00:16:00.000 We don't even know what it sounds like.

00:16:02.000 No one talks it.

00:16:03.000 So they know what the Sumerians wrote, although it's a lot of it as Under debate because there's a guy named Zechariah Sitchin.

00:16:10.000 You probably heard about him.

00:16:11.000 I wouldn't trust anyone named Zechariah ever. 1.00

00:16:13.000 He was a bad motherfucker, but he was a believer. 0.99

00:16:16.000 And he believed that the Sumerian text was all about the Anunnaki, which is an alien race from another planet that came down here that is in elliptical orbit, this planet, every 3,600 years. 0.99

00:16:27.000 And that they came down here to get humans, and they created us from lower hominids by adding their DNA. This is all supposedly in the Sumerian text. 0.93

00:16:36.000 I don't have...

00:16:36.000 You know what, man?

00:16:37.000 When they talk about angels, you never know, man. 0.99

00:16:39.000 There could be some crazy shit coming down. 0.98

00:16:41.000 You know what I think a lot of it probably is? 0.99

00:16:43.000 What Brian is saying.

00:16:44.000 A lot of it probably is 30,000 years ago.

00:16:47.000 Not six, but 30,000 years ago. 0.95

00:16:48.000 There was like a super fucking advanced civilization. 0.78

00:16:50.000 They'd reached the heights that we've reached. 0.95

00:16:52.000 And what happened?

00:16:54.000 Who knows?

00:16:54.000 Someone came and hit the reset?

00:16:56.000 I think they're way past us.

00:16:57.000 Really?

00:16:58.000 They invented something that's still with us that we just don't know about yet.

00:17:02.000 They invented air that could heal and send information or something like that.

00:17:10.000 And it's already there.

00:17:10.000 We just haven't tuned into it yet.

00:17:11.000 Yeah, we haven't tuned into it.

00:17:12.000 And once we figure out a machine.

00:17:14.000 I believe in that.

00:17:15.000 Yeah, and it's like the internet.

00:17:16.000 It's like the version of the internet now.

00:17:17.000 Look, you could never have explained the internet to somebody 50 years ago.

00:17:21.000 No way!

00:17:22.000 That's nothing.

00:17:23.000 You ever look at the old videos when they tried to explain computers, like in the 80s?

00:17:27.000 Like Sesame Street?

00:17:28.000 What was the thing that they used to use back in the Wild West days?

00:17:32.000 Remember?

00:17:34.000 Morse code?

00:17:35.000 Isn't that what they used back in the Wild West days?

00:17:37.000 No, it was called...

00:17:38.000 What was it called?

00:17:39.000 It wasn't called Morse Code.

00:17:40.000 You could troll someone so easy on Morse Code.

00:17:43.000 They'd have no idea it was you.

00:17:44.000 You know, it's not like Facebook.

00:17:46.000 Let me see your picture.

00:17:46.000 Take a picture right now of you and put it on your Facebook.

00:17:49.000 This is what I want you to do.

00:17:50.000 I want you to have red, white, and blue socks on.

00:17:53.000 Old people talk more. 1.00

00:17:57.000 Imagine back then telling people that you're going to be able to watch people fuck on your phone. 0.99

00:18:01.000 See my phone? 1.00

00:18:03.000 I can watch people fuck on this. 1.00

00:18:04.000 It would be mind-blowing. 1.00

00:18:05.000 You can watch people fuck on it. 1.00

00:18:06.000 It streams in perfect time. 0.99

00:18:09.000 I can't imagine what it's going to be in 10 years, in 20 years.

00:18:15.000 There's people that have a real scientifically based theory that the entire world that we live in is like a computer simulation.

00:18:24.000 And there's like, you know, when they start getting into quantum theory, and you know, I don't understand quantum physics.

00:18:31.000 And Richard Feynman said it best.

00:18:32.000 He said, if you think you understand quantum physics, you don't understand quantum physics.

00:18:35.000 Right.

00:18:36.000 Because even like the scientists don't really, they're, it's still like a what?

00:18:40.000 It just violates all these laws.

00:18:42.000 Like there's things like a particle being in superposition, where it's moving and still at the same time.

00:18:46.000 And they can appear in more than one place at the same time and disappear.

00:18:49.000 And they literally...

00:18:50.000 The particles disappear. 0.97

00:18:51.000 We don't know where the fuck they go. 0.99

00:18:53.000 They go away and then they come back. 0.99

00:18:54.000 And on top of that, particles seem to be interacting with each other no matter how long the distance is between them.

00:19:02.000 They seem to be able to automatically, like instantaneously interact with each other.

00:19:07.000 That's crazy.

00:19:07.000 So they can interact quicker than the speed of light, apparently.

00:19:11.000 I can't even talk about it because I'm not exactly sure what I'm saying.

00:19:15.000 To me, what I'm saying is like, if you taught me how to say something in French, but I don't know what it means, and if you're like, je ne sais quoi, monsieur?

00:19:22.000 And then I just repeat the noises, but I don't know what I'm saying.

00:19:24.000 That's what I'm saying right now when I'm talking about this.

00:19:26.000 Right.

00:19:27.000 You know it's there, but you're not quite sure what you're saying.

00:19:29.000 But the bottom line is it's so strange and so bizarre and so not something you can bang on.

00:19:36.000 So not what we're used to in this world that really literally anything is possible.

00:19:40.000 This may very well be a computer simulation.

00:19:44.000 Well, going back to that computer simulation thing, that scene in The Matrix is kind of what that's about.

00:19:49.000 Do you know where Neo meets the creator?

00:19:53.000 Yeah.

00:19:53.000 And he talks about how he's the 8th one or the 11th one, and he's reacting different than all the other ones.

00:20:00.000 That's kind of what that's about.

00:20:02.000 And that no matter what happens, people react the same way.

00:20:05.000 To stimulus.

00:20:06.000 And you hear that a lot about when they talk about, you know, the Illuminati or whatever, when they're trying to, they do certain things to see how people will react over time so that when they want to cause something to happen, they know the exact reaction of what people will make.

00:20:19.000 When they crash the economy, they want to see how people react to all that stuff.

00:20:24.000 And that was the scene in The Matrix where he's like, you're reacting different than the last seven guys have.

00:20:29.000 Because no matter what happens, people are going to do the same thing.

00:20:32.000 We act like we're different, and that's the whole thing from...

00:20:35.000 You're talking like you're stoned.

00:20:36.000 You're not even stoned.

00:20:37.000 This is crazy.

00:20:38.000 That's what that's...

00:20:38.000 Do you know what he's saying?

00:20:39.000 Yeah, that's that scene though.

00:20:40.000 Do you understand what he's saying?

00:20:41.000 Yeah, he's just...

00:20:42.000 Yeah.

00:20:43.000 You don't understand what I'm saying?

00:20:44.000 I'm not making sense.

00:20:44.000 You connected a couple of things together that I'm baffled by.

00:20:47.000 No, the scene in The Matrix.

00:20:49.000 I think I might be on the wrong scene.

00:20:51.000 Explain to me the scene.

00:20:52.000 There's a scene where he walks in.

00:20:54.000 This is the first Matrix?

00:20:55.000 No, this is like the second or third possibly.

00:20:57.000 That's why.

00:20:58.000 I cut off after the first.

00:21:00.000 No, you have to go back and watch those movies.

00:21:02.000 No, you do not.

00:21:02.000 Without the emotions, it's so much better.

00:21:05.000 Without the emotions of, this is going to be great, this is going to be the greatest movie ever, you put too much into it.

00:21:12.000 And then you're like, it doesn't live up to your expectations.

00:21:14.000 But without those expectations, it's actually a great movie.

00:21:17.000 It's a Cinemax movie.

00:21:18.000 Here's what it is, buddy.

00:21:19.000 There was one really good movie, and then the next one sucked.

00:21:22.000 I disagree.

00:21:23.000 I like the first and second one.

00:21:25.000 I thought the third one was okay.

00:21:26.000 Just that one scene was okay.

00:21:28.000 Maybe I need to go back and watch them again.

00:21:30.000 So what are you saying?

00:21:32.000 So Neo walks into this room and he meets the creator of the Matrix.

00:21:38.000 And the guy says that based upon Neo's reaction to what he's saying is that he's different than the rest.

00:21:45.000 And basically what he's saying is that The human beings, they keep resetting everything because they keep getting free will, they keep fighting back against the Matrix, so they reset everything, and everyone reacts the same way.

00:21:58.000 So they reset it and it becomes another computer program.

00:22:01.000 Yes, and he's acting different than all the past ones.

00:22:05.000 His emotions are different, so that's what I'm trying to say.

00:22:08.000 And then I've read books about how these guys, the Illuminati or whatever you want to call them, who supposedly run the country and they opened the Federal Reserve and stuff like that.

00:22:18.000 They opened the Federal Reserve?

00:22:19.000 Or they created the Federal Reserve.

00:22:20.000 Sorry about that.

00:22:21.000 You know what that is?

00:22:22.000 That's like when I was listening to Magic Johnson today, and they were replaying his whole speech about catching the HIV, and he used the wrong words instead of contracted. 0.99

00:22:32.000 He says, I sat on a penis. 0.98

00:22:35.000 I'm like, oh, a speech maker must have gotten pissed right there. 0.99

00:22:38.000 But back to what I was saying, they do certain things where they just see what the reaction of people will be over time.

00:22:44.000 So you should see that movie multiple times, so every time you see it, you get some emotion to it and become a different person.

00:22:50.000 Wouldn't that be fun?

00:22:50.000 What a mindfucker would be if you went to a movie and maybe the glitch in the computer program was that when you went to see the movie the second time, there was a scene in it that wasn't there the first time.

00:23:01.000 Oh, that's cool. 0.98

00:23:02.000 And you see it and you're like, wait a minute, what? 0.99

00:23:04.000 What the fuck is going on? 0.97

00:23:05.000 No, the movie ends, but it's different. 0.99

00:23:07.000 And it's a mindfuck because you're like, god damn, I don't remember that. 0.99

00:23:11.000 And the people on the other end are like, shit, I don't think that fucking scene was in the other movie. 0.99

00:23:16.000 I don't think we showed them that. 0.99

00:23:17.000 I think we showed them the first version of it. 1.00

00:23:19.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:23:20.000 So this poor guy has got to wander through, trying to figure out if he's going insane. 1.00

00:23:24.000 Imagine if that's what insane people are.

00:23:27.000 It's like their program, their program, the one that they're living in, has a crazy glitch in it.

00:23:31.000 It's just some glitch.

00:23:33.000 So they're just wandering around. 1.00

00:23:34.000 They're all fucked up and homeless and shit. 1.00

00:23:36.000 They're trying to explain fucking things. 1.00

00:23:37.000 Did you see that video that everyone's got on Reddit and they're going after this kid in Chicago because he punched this old homeless man in the head and knocked him out on video? 0.99

00:23:46.000 Yeah, and then they were laughing about it.

00:23:48.000 Did you see this?

00:23:48.000 Yeah.

00:23:49.000 The whole internet's going after this kid because it's one of the cruelest, nastiest, meanest fucking things I've ever seen someone do to an old man who's a homeless guy. 0.99

00:23:58.000 Wow. 0.98

00:23:59.000 And he's broke and he's asking people for change.

00:24:01.000 How young was this kid?

00:24:02.000 17, 18 maybe.

00:24:04.000 He looks like a kid.

00:24:05.000 I don't know.

00:24:05.000 He could be 20. He looks like a kid.

00:24:07.000 And they're all standing there.

00:24:10.000 And this poor guy is old and rickety and barely walk.

00:24:13.000 And the gates to the train open.

00:24:15.000 The doors to the train open.

00:24:16.000 And he says something to the old man.

00:24:19.000 Like, you want some change?

00:24:21.000 Bow! 0.99

00:24:21.000 And hits him full blast on the chin. 0.99

00:24:24.000 The old man goes backwards and bounces his fucking head off the cement. 1.00

00:24:28.000 Easily could be dead. 1.00

00:24:30.000 Easily could be dead.

00:24:31.000 You know, people die like that.

00:24:33.000 I had a friend who was working in a bar and one of the bouncers punched someone that lightly, same thing, fell back on his head dead.

00:24:39.000 It happens all the time. 1.00

00:24:40.000 You're getting hit by the fucking world. 1.00

00:24:42.000 Think about what's happening. 1.00

00:24:44.000 The world, the concrete behind the world is hitting you in the head.

00:24:48.000 That's really what it's like. 1.00

00:24:49.000 I mean, that's an amazing amount of blunt force to your fucking skull. 1.00

00:24:53.000 Yeah, just sudden stop. 0.99

00:24:55.000 And this kid just started laughing, and they hopped on the train and drove away, and they were all laughing about it. 1.00

00:25:00.000 Oh, shit! 0.99

00:25:01.000 He was like, bah! 1.00

00:25:04.000 They're just laughing and laughing and laughing.

00:25:06.000 The most heartless...

00:25:08.000 It was so disheartening, man, that someone could be like that. 0.99

00:25:12.000 That someone could want to do that to someone for no fucking reason whatsoever. 0.97

00:25:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:25:17.000 I don't give a fuck if you're 15 or 16. You want to do that, man? 0.99

00:25:21.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:25:22.000 You know, I think it goes back to this whole thing that sometimes people don't get the discipline when they're young and sometimes that's like spanking or stuff like that where they don't realize the pain that comes with getting hit. 1.00

00:25:35.000 You know, it's almost like Bill Burr's bit about how like chicks mess with people because no one's ever popped them before. 1.00

00:25:41.000 It's true. 0.98

00:25:42.000 I play video games and porn. 0.96

00:25:43.000 Right? 0.53

00:25:44.000 It's just like they don't get it.

00:25:45.000 I've always said that about women. 1.00

00:25:47.000 I've been with women where women want to start fights and they'll say, fuck you, and you fucking shut your fucking mouth. 1.00

00:25:52.000 And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

00:25:54.000 Why are you with me and you're yelling at a dude? 0.99

00:25:56.000 Stop this right now.

00:25:57.000 What are you going to do? 1.00

00:25:58.000 Are you going to beat that guy's ass? 1.00

00:26:00.000 No, you're going to get me shot. 1.00

00:26:01.000 That's what you're going to do, stupid. 1.00

00:26:03.000 This is craziness. 1.00

00:26:05.000 100%.

00:26:05.000 I saw a video like the one you're describing.

00:26:07.000 It was on television.

00:26:09.000 I don't know what the show was, but they were showing it.

00:26:11.000 It was this really old guy.

00:26:12.000 He's about 75. His car's right next to this group of kids talking.

00:26:18.000 And he goes to his car.

00:26:19.000 He's trying to get in.

00:26:20.000 This other kid comes up and just starts wailing on this old man, dude.

00:26:24.000 Boom, boom, boom.

00:26:25.000 All the other people are just standing there watching.

00:26:27.000 The guy gets in his car, drives off, and the guy's just laying down.

00:26:31.000 All of his friends, all the guys who were watching just walk off.

00:26:34.000 A stranger has to come up and help him.

00:26:36.000 So what's the motivation behind this?

00:26:38.000 Just no motivation?

00:26:39.000 Just stealing his car.

00:26:41.000 Jesus Christ.

00:26:42.000 It's like it's old people, man. 1.00

00:26:44.000 It's a free shot. 0.99

00:26:45.000 It's a free shot at people that feel like they have no friends and they have no one who loves them and no one gives a fuck about them and they'll just take a free shot at some old person, man. 1.00

00:26:52.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:26:53.000 It's a dark, dark, dark part of human nature, man. 1.00

00:26:58.000 The need to pick on people. 1.00

00:27:00.000 The need to fuck with people. 0.99

00:27:01.000 You know, and that's something that we really have to teach out to kids, man. 1.00

00:27:04.000 You know, the bullying in schools has gotten worse and worse, man.

00:27:07.000 It's, you know, people are bullying people and then taking the pictures and putting them online.

00:27:11.000 You know, I saw this picture of this girl.

00:27:13.000 She blacked out at a party.

00:27:14.000 She got drunk. 1.00

00:27:15.000 She says, dude, shit on her face. 1.00

00:27:17.000 Shit on her face. 1.00

00:27:18.000 Took pictures of it and then put it online. 1.00

00:27:21.000 That's horrible.

00:27:22.000 And she's this cute little cheerleader. 1.00

00:27:23.000 You know, it's really horrible.

00:27:24.000 It's funny, too.

00:27:25.000 It is funny.

00:27:25.000 But it's horrible.

00:27:26.000 And that's someone's daughter, man.

00:27:27.000 That's someone's little baby.

00:27:28.000 And they affect her for the rest of her life. 1.00

00:27:30.000 Shit on her face. 1.00

00:27:31.000 Because someone recognized her. 1.00

00:27:32.000 Are you the girl who got shit on the face? 1.00

00:27:33.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:27:34.000 And I can laugh at it, but it's like... 1.00

00:27:36.000 She had a piece of shit on her mouth. 1.00

00:27:38.000 This guy's shit on her mouth. 1.00

00:27:40.000 It's horrible. 1.00

00:27:40.000 Is there no one there going, what are you doing, dude? 1.00

00:27:42.000 Yeah, that's not that funny.

00:27:44.000 You don't do that to a chick. 1.00

00:27:45.000 If it was a dude, it would be way funnier.

00:27:46.000 But doing it to a cute little girl, it's like, come on, man.

00:27:49.000 Why are you doing that?

00:27:50.000 She's just a little girl.

00:27:51.000 Yeah, and she's a little girl.

00:27:52.000 She's drinking. 1.00

00:27:53.000 It's like, why are you shitting on her? 1.00

00:27:54.000 Where's her boyfriend? 1.00

00:27:55.000 She didn't have a boyfriend.

00:27:56.000 She didn't have a boyfriend, I guess.

00:27:58.000 They were drinking, you know? 1.00

00:27:59.000 Shit gets crazy. 1.00

00:28:01.000 Especially when you're 17, 18, whatever the hell she is. 1.00

00:28:03.000 You don't know what the hell you're doing.

00:28:04.000 But I have this thing with the bullies, too, man.

00:28:06.000 It's just like, I understand the whole move to stop bullying, and it's true.

00:28:10.000 But I have this thing where you've got to understand that some of these bullies also really hurt children, and they come from bad situations.

00:28:18.000 So it's like, I'm not saying, hey, let's not stop bullying.

00:28:22.000 I hate when adults put their issues on children.

00:28:26.000 Mm-hmm.

00:28:26.000 And because a lot of these adults got bullied in high school, they want to go back and clean it up.

00:28:31.000 But you've got to understand that these kids have social issues and mental issues too.

00:28:34.000 You're absolutely right.

00:28:35.000 You don't want to tag them with some kind of police record that's going to screw the rest of their life up.

00:28:43.000 Yeah, but you have to protect the other students.

00:28:46.000 100%.

00:28:46.000 You have to protect the other students and you've got to figure out.

00:28:48.000 The real issue is parents that do a terrible job of raising kids are never penalized for it.

00:28:54.000 You know, you never get in trouble.

00:28:55.000 You know, you can do a terrible job of driving your car and you can get tickets. 1.00

00:28:58.000 You know, nothing happens when you raise a shit kid. 1.00

00:29:02.000 Your kid could be a goddamn serial killer. 1.00

00:29:04.000 My dog guts out and bites someone. 1.00

00:29:06.000 I get sued.

00:29:07.000 100%.

00:29:07.000 I'm gonna go to jail.

00:29:08.000 I got a bad dog.

00:29:09.000 But if you have a kid and your kid goes out and kills somebody, you're not even somehow responsible for it.

00:29:14.000 Didn't they try to do that for a little while?

00:29:16.000 Like, there was this big backlash against...

00:29:18.000 When was this?

00:29:19.000 There was something where, like, this one area, and I want to say Chicago, but I'm not 100% sure, that they were going to try to do something where parents were going to be held accountable for their children's actions.

00:29:30.000 Doesn't surprise me.

00:29:31.000 You kind of should be, in some way, you know?

00:29:33.000 I mean, not entirely, maybe.

00:29:35.000 Look, you never know what happens once the kid leaves the nest.

00:29:38.000 And what if the kid has a predilection for addiction? 0.99

00:29:41.000 What if the kid has got that wacky gene that can't drink cough syrup or fucking goes on a bender? 0.99

00:29:47.000 And that is a real gene, man. 1.00

00:29:49.000 I think you and I have both seen it.

00:29:50.000 In the comedy world especially, we know a lot of wacky people that can't smoke a joint, can't have a drink, can't do it.

00:29:56.000 Can't do it!

00:29:57.000 I don't care what you say.

00:29:58.000 Everyone's different, man.

00:29:59.000 I have my own problems with that stuff.

00:30:03.000 It's like in my family, they have different forms of it.

00:30:06.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:30:06.000 Everyone's got their own kind of little vice.

00:30:09.000 I have my vice, too.

00:30:12.000 I'm an all-or-nothing type of guy.

00:30:14.000 Well, I have a very similar personality, but it's not with substances, luckily.

00:30:18.000 I take time off of weed all the time.

00:30:20.000 I'll take a couple weeks off.

00:30:22.000 It doesn't bother me at all.

00:30:24.000 I never feel the need to drink.

00:30:25.000 Coffee is the only thing that I've ever been convinced that I was addicted to because I took off once when I was writing.

00:30:32.000 I was writing right before I did my last special.

00:30:34.000 I was, for every day, for 30 days, I was writing a blog.

00:30:38.000 Because I think there's something about writing every day that really keeps your mind real sharp.

00:30:42.000 It's great for performing.

00:30:43.000 It seems weird, but writing all the time is great for performing.

00:30:46.000 So I was drinking a lot of coffee, man, and then I tried to not have coffee once I was done, and ooh, did I get a headache.

00:30:53.000 Yeah, 100%. 1.00

00:30:54.000 And I felt like shit. 0.99

00:30:56.000 I felt really sluggish. 1.00

00:30:58.000 And I was like, oh, great, I'm addicted to caffeine.

00:31:00.000 So I've done it a couple of times where I've gotten off of caffeine, and every time I've done it, I have this weird, like, ugh, for a couple of days.

00:31:07.000 I have a rule.

00:31:07.000 I don't drink caffeine after a certain time.

00:31:10.000 Unless I have to perform and I'm really sluggish.

00:31:12.000 But after 8 o'clock, I try to cut it off.

00:31:16.000 Because then I can't sleep at night.

00:31:17.000 And I'm twitching and I'm waking up in the middle of it.

00:31:20.000 And to get a good night's sleep, I stop drinking coffee after because I'm addicted.

00:31:25.000 I have a bunch of different things that I do to get ready for shows, but the number one best one for sure is warm your body up.

00:31:31.000 I do a lot of stretching.

00:31:33.000 Stretching is big because when you stretch, like you really fucking stretch, you release tension and you feel better. 0.87

00:31:40.000 You feel easier. 0.92

00:31:41.000 Your tension builds up in you.

00:31:43.000 So before a show, I warm up and I stretch, and I learn this new breathing stuff from Steve Maxwell.

00:31:51.000 He's this fitness trainer, world-renowned, really high-level fitness trainer.

00:31:57.000 He's got degrees in it.

00:31:58.000 He's also a black belt in jiu-jitsu.

00:32:01.000 He's a world-famous kettlebell instructor, a really cool guy, but he's basically a guy who's lived his whole life with a passion for fitness, so he's always constantly gathering information, and one of the things he's been concentrating on is breathing techniques.

00:32:15.000 He's been concentrated on this pranayama and all this yogic breathing.

00:32:19.000 And so we did a bunch of these crazy breathing exercises. 0.99

00:32:22.000 Like, God damn! 1.00

00:32:23.000 I thought breathing was just bullshit. 1.00

00:32:25.000 I thought it was like, breathe through your mouth, breathe through your nose. 1.00

00:32:27.000 I thought it was just something where you're not being tough enough. 1.00

00:32:29.000 Suck it up, pussy. 1.00

00:32:30.000 Stop worrying about how you're breathing. 1.00

00:32:32.000 Let's go, let's go.

00:32:33.000 Do another lap.

00:32:34.000 That's what I always thought breathing was.

00:32:35.000 But what it is is a much more rapid way of recovery, this pranayamic breathing, and that you can actually control your breath When you become like a yoga guy, like a yogi, like one of those high-level guys, they actually can control their breath and control their heart rate.

00:32:52.000 They can calm themselves down when they're in periods of stress.

00:32:55.000 So I started doing these breathing exercises. 0.99

00:32:59.000 It's fascinating shit. 0.98

00:33:01.000 So that along with stretching, that's the best. 1.00

00:33:03.000 And then a shot. 0.98

00:33:04.000 When I get older, man, and I'm not working out, man, my breathing goes to shit, like when I'm trying to run and stuff like that. 0.99

00:33:10.000 It's terrible. 0.77

00:33:11.000 When you get older, man, and you don't work out, rigor mortis starts setting in.

00:33:16.000 That's what you're fighting.

00:33:17.000 Even though you're still alive, you're fighting rigor mortis setting in, and breathing is a big part of that, man.

00:33:23.000 Well, this Maxwell guy is 59 years old.

00:33:25.000 He's in incredible shape, dude. 0.98

00:33:27.000 I mean, he does shit that I can't do. 0.99

00:33:28.000 He shows me some things and I can't fucking do them. 1.00

00:33:31.000 And he's 59 years old. 0.99

00:33:32.000 Jesus.

00:33:33.000 Super healthy.

00:33:34.000 Just every day.

00:33:36.000 Super shredded.

00:33:37.000 Make sure you train every day.

00:33:38.000 He trains every day.

00:33:39.000 And when you do that, man, you force your body to work every day.

00:33:41.000 Your body just keeps flowing that blood through there.

00:33:43.000 Keeps building it up.

00:33:45.000 And then you have this better reserve of energy.

00:33:47.000 You feel better.

00:33:48.000 When I see dudes slowly let it slip away and the gut grows.

00:33:52.000 Yeah, man.

00:33:53.000 That's why I brought you on this podcast, Sam.

00:33:55.000 Is this an intervention?

00:33:57.000 Is this a fat intervention?

00:33:58.000 As soon as we leave here, we're going to go straight to the gym.

00:34:00.000 We're going to do rounds in the bag.

00:34:01.000 I don't know about that.

00:34:03.000 But yeah, even going back to your writing thing, I tell young comedians, always be writing.

00:34:09.000 It's a muscle.

00:34:11.000 It also reinforces the fact that you're a professional.

00:34:14.000 Yeah.

00:34:14.000 That you have work to do.

00:34:15.000 There's a lot of comics who like to feel like they're just fuck-offs and they just like to just go on stage and try to remember what their jokes are and don't write anything down. 0.56

00:34:24.000 You can do that. 0.99

00:34:25.000 Chuckle junkies. 1.00

00:34:26.000 They're very nervous about not getting the laugh.

00:34:29.000 They're afraid of that.

00:34:31.000 They're afraid of that silence.

00:34:32.000 It's terrifying.

00:34:33.000 Sometimes I just don't mind the silence.

00:34:36.000 And then sometimes what I like to do now, if I run into a really shitty crowd, I like to go on my iPod and I get pocket sitcom and I add my own laughter to the crowd because sometimes I don't like the crowd and I'd rather have my own laughs going.

00:34:50.000 So I'll do this into the crowd or something like that.

00:34:52.000 I'll just go into the microphone.

00:34:54.000 And just enjoy my own laughter.

00:34:56.000 You do that for real?

00:34:57.000 Yeah.

00:34:58.000 You know, this is an internet meme.

00:35:00.000 And have you ever seen those where it says, you're doing it wrong?

00:35:03.000 Yeah.

00:35:04.000 So that's what I do now. 0.97

00:35:06.000 Well, that's ridiculous, Sam.

00:35:08.000 Well, sometimes the crowd's just staring at me, and I just don't feel like... 0.65

00:35:11.000 The deal is, you've got to get your own crowds.

00:35:13.000 That's when the world changes.

00:35:15.000 It's real hard to...

00:35:16.000 When you show up at the store on a Tuesday night, that's why everybody likes doing that.

00:35:19.000 The reason why people like to stop in in places is because until you become really super famous, where every crowd is your crowd, like Chris Rock or something like that, When you just stop in, then you get sort of a slice of people that they're not as inclined to laugh at you.

00:35:36.000 They're not super psyched to have seen you.

00:35:39.000 Like, oh my god, we're going to go see Damon Wayans.

00:35:42.000 We're so pumped up.

00:35:42.000 Big difference between that and then sitting in the audience.

00:35:44.000 Oh, Damon Wayans is here.

00:35:46.000 So he's going to get a much more honest response from you.

00:35:49.000 No, I've seen that before, too.

00:35:50.000 Like, I see comics who get out of there, like, you know, I'm not gonna say their names, but you see them, they're in their crowd, they're crushing, take them out of their crowd, it's just, it's like, oh, I'm back in the gym, I gotta work out.

00:36:01.000 You know, so, it's like, yeah, man.

00:36:03.000 But once you have a big, your crowd, once you have your crowd, it's easier to work on new material.

00:36:07.000 Not everybody finds a crowd sometimes.

00:36:09.000 I don't know, man, I just enjoy just going up there.

00:36:11.000 I only do that when I'm doing, like, Would you say not everybody finds a crowd sometimes?

00:36:15.000 Sam Tripoli, you have a crowd.

00:36:17.000 I think they're all at strip bars.

00:36:19.000 How dare you sell yourself short? 1.00

00:36:21.000 Well, they are definitely all fucked up. 1.00

00:36:23.000 The Sam Tripoli crowd, those are my people too, man. 1.00

00:36:28.000 My people are mostly crazy. 1.00

00:36:30.000 My crowd's fucked up. 1.00

00:36:31.000 They like to drink. 1.00

00:36:32.000 But cool as fuck. 1.00

00:36:33.000 Yeah, so do mine, man. 1.00

00:36:34.000 My crowd is always fucked up. 1.00

00:36:35.000 I have more pot smokers than you do, probably. 0.99

00:36:38.000 You're not a big pot smoker guy.

00:36:40.000 But you do sometimes.

00:36:41.000 You go in these waves.

00:36:42.000 Depends on where I'm at, what I'm doing.

00:36:44.000 Right now, Sam Tripoli's on an I'm sober wave.

00:36:45.000 Yeah, and you know, it works better.

00:36:47.000 But my problem is when everything starts here.

00:36:49.000 What works better?

00:36:51.000 Dude, listen.

00:36:52.000 I like to party, dude.

00:36:53.000 I like to get out there.

00:36:54.000 I like to go crazy. 0.77

00:36:55.000 So you just go nuts? 0.93

00:36:56.000 Yeah. 0.94

00:36:56.000 I'm a nuts guy, dude. 0.94

00:36:57.000 Right.

00:36:58.000 Because I just...

00:36:59.000 I want it all.

00:37:00.000 I want to do everything.

00:37:01.000 I just...

00:37:01.000 That's how I am, man.

00:37:03.000 Right.

00:37:03.000 And, you know...

00:37:03.000 That's why you're funny.

00:37:04.000 That's why you're calm.

00:37:04.000 Yeah.

00:37:05.000 I'm crazy.

00:37:06.000 Impulsive.

00:37:07.000 Yeah. 0.85

00:37:07.000 I'm nuts. 0.85

00:37:08.000 Madness.

00:37:08.000 I want everything to be the greatest story of our life.

00:37:11.000 Right.

00:37:11.000 That's...

00:37:11.000 Every time I go out and I drink, I'm like...

00:37:13.000 I want this to be a legendary moment.

00:37:15.000 And people are like, oh my god, last night we were with Tripoli. 0.99

00:37:19.000 Shit got crazy. 0.99

00:37:20.000 And you know what? 1.00

00:37:20.000 That catches up with you after a while. 1.00

00:37:22.000 It does.

00:37:23.000 I know just sipping a beer, that does nothing for me.

00:37:28.000 Are you working this Friday?

00:37:30.000 Yeah, I'm in La Jolla. 0.99

00:37:31.000 Damn. 0.99

00:37:32.000 Why? 0.99

00:37:32.000 Because I'm doing the Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. 0.99

00:37:34.000 Oh, you're killing me, dude.

00:37:35.000 I'd love to gig with you.

00:37:37.000 I love that place.

00:37:38.000 We'd have some fun.

00:37:39.000 He's so nice, man.

00:37:40.000 He books me about twice a year. 0.99

00:37:42.000 And I'm not right for his crap. 0.96

00:37:44.000 I mean, like I am, but even my nice stuff has a little edge to it. 0.99

00:37:48.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:37:49.000 But he's so nice to put me up, you know? 1.00

00:37:51.000 And I love playing that crap. 0.98

00:37:53.000 I love editing myself as I go. 0.98

00:37:55.000 Yeah, Nick is the nicest guy ever.

00:37:56.000 Yeah, it's just a nice, fun club.

00:37:58.000 Yeah, it's a great club.

00:37:59.000 But he allows me, you know?

00:38:01.000 Well, because you bring a certain crowd.

00:38:03.000 I bring them in.

00:38:04.000 But he won't let Joey Diaz.

00:38:06.000 Oh, really?

00:38:07.000 Yeah, I've had Joey a couple times.

00:38:08.000 It's too extreme.

00:38:11.000 Really? 0.97

00:38:11.000 Joey's too crazy. 0.97

00:38:12.000 He starts talking about stuffing things up, you muffler. 0.97

00:38:15.000 But yet he lets Ari, which makes no sense.

00:38:17.000 Well, Ari apparently is. 0.84

00:38:19.000 Yeah, but Ari's dirt is a little different dirt. 1.00

00:38:21.000 Well, first of all, Ari's Jewish, so he gets a little past there. 0.74

00:38:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:38:24.000 He's a Jew in Hollywood.

00:38:25.000 That's right.

00:38:26.000 And he looks, he's non-threatening.

00:38:30.000 Yeah.

00:38:30.000 You're not going to look at Ari going, oh my god, he's going to bang my daughter tonight.

00:38:34.000 You don't look at Ari like that. 1.00

00:38:35.000 He's going to rape your daughter tonight. 1.00

00:38:36.000 He doesn't know. 1.00

00:38:37.000 You look like from here he goes back to the library and he starts working on a Dewey Decimal system.

00:38:42.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:38:43.000 I don't look at it that way.

00:38:45.000 I look at nerdy guys as having just as much of a propensity for anger and violence as scary looking people. 0.96

00:38:52.000 Because a lot of times when you catch a nerdy person, you're catching them when they're fucking about to break. 0.98

00:38:57.000 You know, their whole life, someone's been fucking with them. 1.00

00:39:00.000 Their whole life, girls have been shitting on them and fucking their ex-boyfriends behind their back. 1.00

00:39:04.000 Right. 1.00

00:39:04.000 People have been stealing their lunch money and stuffing them into lockers. 1.00

00:39:07.000 So when the shit goes wrong with a nerdy guy, it could get crazy quick. 0.99

00:39:10.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:39:12.000 Yeah, it's nothing.

00:39:13.000 Falling down, bro.

00:39:15.000 Exactly, exactly.

00:39:16.000 Falling down, I get it.

00:39:17.000 I know a lot of nerdy dudes that are suicidal, too.

00:39:20.000 I know some nerdy dudes that, especially when they get into their 30s, and their body starts to slow down, and they're still unhappy with life.

00:39:29.000 It gets tricky, man. 0.98

00:39:30.000 And when you're around a suicidal person, if they're willing to kill themselves, what the fuck are they willing to do to you? 0.99

00:39:35.000 100%, man. 1.00

00:39:36.000 Watch your P's and Q's around crazy people, son. 1.00

00:39:39.000 I've seen fucking... 1.00

00:39:39.000 Super hot chicks who are suicidal. 1.00

00:39:41.000 I mean, because it's their reality.

00:39:43.000 You're looking at them going, you're hot.

00:39:45.000 Everybody is bending over backwards just to sniff your magic. 1.00

00:39:51.000 But in their head, they're miserable. 0.96

00:39:54.000 It's not enough.

00:39:55.000 You need a lot of things to be happy in this life, man.

00:39:57.000 You need fulfillment.

00:39:58.000 You need love.

00:39:59.000 You need friendship.

00:40:00.000 You need honesty.

00:40:01.000 You need honesty about yourself.

00:40:03.000 You need to be able to assess your strengths and your weaknesses and find your goals and achieve them. 0.99

00:40:08.000 You need a lot of fucking things to be happy. 0.81

00:40:10.000 You need, you know, when I say find your goals and achieve them, I mean like, you know, Not necessarily like your ultimate goal to be happy, but you have to... 0.99

00:40:18.000 People require improvement in their life to be happy.

00:40:22.000 And it might be improvement of just you...

00:40:24.000 I'm going to paint.

00:40:25.000 I'm going to paint a landscape scene. 0.98

00:40:27.000 You get it done and you look at it and you're like, I fucking did it, you know?

00:40:31.000 Whenever I do anything, whether it's a podcast or I write something, that feeling that you get when you're done, you're like... 0.72

00:40:37.000 I did it.

00:40:37.000 You need that to be happy.

00:40:38.000 You can't just be a lazy fuck and sit around doing nothing. 1.00

00:40:42.000 100%. 1.00

00:40:43.000 I'm just going to drink and fucking sit outside. 1.00

00:40:45.000 You're going to get bored, man. 0.99

00:40:47.000 You're going to want to do something. 1.00

00:40:48.000 The ultimate idea of ultimate vacation is a stupid idea. 0.99

00:40:52.000 You know, even when I go on vacation, I'm good for like a day. 0.99

00:40:55.000 And then I want to do something. 0.99

00:40:56.000 I want to do some shit. 0.99

00:40:57.000 So then it's vacation. 1.00

00:40:58.000 Let's go do fun shit while we're on vacation. 0.99

00:41:00.000 But the idea of just sitting and just drinking in front of a fucking ocean for three days, like, Jesus Christ, how long can you do that? 1.00

00:41:07.000 What kind of attention span do you have? 0.99

00:41:09.000 But do you have a day of rest?

00:41:10.000 One day.

00:41:11.000 Yeah, that's my Sunday.

00:41:12.000 I can sit down one day.

00:41:14.000 Sunday I just don't... 1.00

00:41:15.000 I try not to do shit. 0.98

00:41:16.000 But sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it. 0.98

00:41:18.000 If I don't feel like I deserve it, I won't give myself a day.

00:41:20.000 Oh, I feel guilty sometimes.

00:41:21.000 But I feel like you have to have that moment of just relax.

00:41:25.000 Yes, you do.

00:41:26.000 You do.

00:41:26.000 But I think you have to earn it.

00:41:28.000 In my mind, for me to be happy...

00:41:34.000 100%. 1.00

00:41:35.000 Because that's the shit that fucks with you when you're on brownies. 1.00

00:41:39.000 100%. 1.00

00:41:39.000 And that's the shit that fucks with you when you're in the isolation tank. 1.00

00:41:42.000 When I'm in the isolation tank, everything that fucks with me is things that I'm not doing. 1.00

00:41:45.000 It's 100%.

00:41:47.000 Things that I'm not doing or some mean stuff I said to someone when I was 10 or something.

00:41:51.000 Sometimes that'll come back and you'll get some weird memory of that.

00:41:54.000 For me, where I am in my life and what I've done and all that stuff, one thing someone said to me is I asked them how they were doing this.

00:42:04.000 They go, a lot better than I think I am.

00:42:07.000 It sounds like Neil Brennan.

00:42:09.000 Yeah, it's like you're actually probably doing better than you give yourself credit for, but sometimes people focus on what hasn't happened yet.

00:42:17.000 Right.

00:42:17.000 Than what has gone well in their life.

00:42:21.000 A lot of people sometimes compare their insides to other people's outsides.

00:42:26.000 That's where you start getting really weirded out.

00:42:29.000 It's like when you start looking at this guy and he's got what you've always wanted or you think you've always wanted.

00:42:34.000 And you're like, oh, I don't got anything.

00:42:36.000 And you don't realize how much you've done with your life.

00:42:39.000 I'm really just in the moment.

00:42:42.000 There's tons of stuff I would love to do and I'm working on doing.

00:42:46.000 But at the end of the day, from what I've wanted to do, I've done a lot of it.

00:42:51.000 There's a lot more to do, but I've done a lot of it.

00:42:53.000 The most important thing to me when you have that feeling you compare yourself to other people, it's not a bad thing to do, but what you've got to do is only be inspired and have that as an ethic.

00:43:06.000 Don't ever be jealous.

00:43:07.000 Don't ever be uber self-critical or down on yourself. 1.00

00:43:11.000 Instead of going, oh, I'm a fucking lazy piece of shit. 1.00

00:43:15.000 You know, look at this guy. 1.00

00:43:16.000 He's doing his fucking second Comedy Central special. 0.99

00:43:18.000 And I don't even have a fucking hour and a half that I really like. 0.99

00:43:21.000 You know, my act sucks and I can't keep a relationship. 0.97

00:43:24.000 Instead of saying that, instead of saying that, Watch some guy that you really love or respect and instead of being put down by it, be elevated because of it. 0.86

00:43:36.000 100%.

00:43:37.000 You can choose to do that, man.

00:43:39.000 People can choose to do that.

00:43:40.000 Yeah, you might be right. 1.00

00:43:41.000 You might be a lazy piece of shit. 1.00

00:43:43.000 You might be right, but don't think about it. 1.00

00:43:45.000 Don't concentrate on that because if you concentrate on the fact that you're a lazy piece of shit, you will continue to manifest that reality. 1.00

00:43:51.000 It sounds like hippie bullshit, but it's fucking true. 1.00

00:43:54.000 It's energy and intent. 0.99

00:43:56.000 I have some thoughts, man, about reality, and I have some thoughts about the use of the mind and the imagination of how it sculpts reality.

00:44:03.000 I don't think it's as simple as they want to break it down in, like, the secret and the law of attraction, and I put a picture of this house on the wall, and four years later I was moving into that house.

00:44:13.000 I don't think it's that simple.

00:44:15.000 But I think it's kind of that.

00:44:17.000 I think there's something to the idea that your thoughts and imagination have an effect on reality.

00:44:23.000 And this is my reason why I say this.

00:44:27.000 Because I think the imagination is something that we're not taking as seriously as we should be.

00:44:34.000 And what I mean by that is that I don't think...

00:44:36.000 If you looked at what part does this play in life?

00:44:40.000 What part does food play in life?

00:44:42.000 What part does...

00:44:43.000 The imagination has a huge impact on our reality. 1.00

00:44:48.000 Because we take things out of the imagination and we build them like this fucking laptop... 0.97

00:44:54.000 It came originally from someone's idea and it blossomed and evolved into what you see in front of you. 0.98

00:45:00.000 But it came out of the imagination.

00:45:02.000 It came out of the air.

00:45:03.000 Someone figured out how to put something together because they had an idea.

00:45:06.000 They had a spark.

00:45:07.000 They saw a vision.

00:45:08.000 They saw it.

00:45:10.000 Fully formed in their mind, or they saw steps along the way fully formed, and they figured out how to do that.

00:45:15.000 I think your mind doesn't just control things in a sense that you bring things out of the ether, you bring things out of your imagination and bring them and manifest them in the real world, but I think your mind actually has an effect on how things go in the real world.

00:45:31.000 Yeah.

00:45:31.000 And as I said before, I don't understand quantum physics.

00:45:34.000 I don't get it.

00:45:36.000 But I do know that they've done tests where they show that particles react differently if you're observing them than if you're not observing them.

00:45:44.000 And I think there's probably something, some unmeasurable thing that's too fucking freaky and far out and really difficult to prove.

00:45:52.000 But I don't think it's outside the realm of possibility that your mind might have some sort of an impact on reality.

00:46:00.000 Babies are still going to get killed by drive-bys and people are still going to get caught in avalanches just randomly. 0.99

00:46:06.000 It's not to say that shit can't happen. 0.99

00:46:08.000 Shit most certainly can happen and most certainly there are natural occurrences that are going to be absolutely beyond anyone's control. 0.99

00:46:15.000 There's levels of experiences like you get to a meteor impact. 0.99

00:46:18.000 That's a wrap! 0.99

00:46:19.000 Maybe 65 million years ago, a big one slammed in and there's nothing bigger than a fucking hamster lived. 1.00

00:46:25.000 That's it. 1.00

00:46:25.000 Boom boom. 1.00

00:46:26.000 And that could happen again.

00:46:27.000 And no matter how much imagination you have and how much you dream of a perfect world, I don't know if you can prevent that.

00:46:34.000 I think that there might be quantum things, there might be macro things, there might be a whole bunch of things working together.

00:46:40.000 But I don't discount the idea that you can use your own mind and your own imagination to manipulate reality to a certain degree.

00:46:49.000 No, 100%.

00:46:50.000 I've always felt the energy you give out, most of the time, is the energy you get back. 0.98

00:46:55.000 Or how about dudes who just force shit with their mind? 0.94

00:46:57.000 You know, this is going to sound crazy, but when Dane Cook became really famous, that was one of the first things that I thought of. 0.99

00:47:03.000 I was like, wow, this guy wanted it so much that he figured out a way to make it.

00:47:07.000 Because Dane Cook, we all have talked about it in the comedy world.

00:47:11.000 That was a real shocker for a lot of us.

00:47:13.000 We were like, wow, how did he do that?

00:47:15.000 That's amazing.

00:47:16.000 How did he get that big?

00:47:17.000 That big that quickly.

00:47:18.000 That big, yeah.

00:47:19.000 The whole thing.

00:47:21.000 To the point you could always tell someone's going to work.

00:47:24.000 I always felt he's a different person right now, I feel, than when I met him.

00:47:30.000 Which was many years ago.

00:47:31.000 Well, he's way different now because he's successful and he's sort of relaxed and he's realized that...

00:47:34.000 And some things in his life have happened that made him reassess where he wants to be.

00:47:40.000 Like his brother ripping him off.

00:47:41.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:42.000 Yeah, his parents dying.

00:47:44.000 But he was a win-at-all-cost guy.

00:47:46.000 Yes, exactly.

00:47:47.000 Exactly.

00:47:47.000 And with that comes a certain price.

00:47:50.000 And not that he's a bad person, but I've always said, sometimes bad things happen to good people.

00:47:55.000 But I always felt bad things always happen to bad people.

00:47:59.000 And it may not be instantaneous, and the word bad Maybe isn't the right way to describe somebody, but I feel like if you're always putting out energy and you're fucking over your fellow man to win almost, it's going to come back.

00:48:13.000 And it might not be instantaneous. 0.99

00:48:14.000 Meaning if I fuck you right now, I'm going to walk out and get hit by a car. 1.00

00:48:18.000 You never know. 1.00

00:48:19.000 Well, this is what I think.

00:48:20.000 I think that the only time that doesn't work is with sociopaths.

00:48:23.000 Because sociopaths don't seem to have any feelings about things like that.

00:48:27.000 They don't worry about hurting people's feelings.

00:48:29.000 They don't feel connected.

00:48:30.000 But the real problem with regular people like you and I is that you feel connected with someone when you hurt their feelings. 1.00

00:48:36.000 Like I've had people that are hecklers, that are just idiots and they're ruining a show. 1.00

00:48:41.000 There's a thousand people in there and one person wants to... 1.00

00:48:44.000 Wants to fucking throw in their own stupid brain and slosh up the whole show. 1.00

00:48:49.000 So I'll destroy this person. 1.00

00:48:51.000 I'll torture them. 1.00

00:48:51.000 I'll break down their life. 1.00

00:48:52.000 But I feel bad.

00:48:53.000 I don't feel good about it.

00:48:54.000 I don't want to do that.

00:48:55.000 I want everybody to have a good time.

00:48:56.000 I don't want to hurt this guy's feelings.

00:48:58.000 And this guy's leaving. 1.00

00:48:59.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:48:59.000 You're a fucking zero. 1.00

00:49:00.000 And I'm like, come on, man. 1.00

00:49:01.000 I'm at least a one or a two. 0.97

00:49:02.000 This is ridiculous. 0.93

00:49:03.000 And everyone's laughing. 1.00

00:49:04.000 And I'm like, if I'm a zero, what the fuck are you? 0.99

00:49:06.000 Yeah, 100%. 1.00

00:49:07.000 Get out of here, you crazy asshole. 1.00

00:49:09.000 100%. 1.00

00:49:10.000 A thousand people here and you're trying to ruin their night.

00:49:12.000 People are screaming and cheering, this guy's leaving.

00:49:13.000 And as the guy's leaving, I feel bad.

00:49:15.000 I do.

00:49:16.000 I don't want this.

00:49:17.000 Because his night's ruined?

00:49:18.000 Yes.

00:49:18.000 I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

00:49:19.000 Because you really just want to perform and entertain people that paid money to see you.

00:49:23.000 Exactly.

00:49:23.000 I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

00:49:25.000 I think people that hurt people's feelings, even if you justify it, you know you did something. 0.73

00:49:31.000 And I think that fucks with your head and it devalues you in your own eyes.

00:49:36.000 You're not a hero in your own eyes. 0.99

00:49:38.000 You're not someone who you respect.

00:49:40.000 You're doing what you've got to do to get by, but ultimately, you're not respecting yourself.

00:49:44.000 And I think we all have a certain amount of appreciation and respect for hero figures.

00:49:48.000 We all look at the guy who never lies and always does the right thing and fucking helps everybody out, and that's the John Wayne character.

00:49:56.000 That's the ultimate hero. 0.98

00:49:58.000 And when you look at your own life, and you don't stack up, you're a thief, you stole money from your wife's purse, and you don't want to smoke cigarettes, but you fucking have to, you can't deal with the stress you smoke, you devalue yourself. 0.98

00:50:11.000 You slowly start devaluing yourself. 0.97

00:50:13.000 When you look at yourself, you realize that if you were judging yourself, you would judge yourself unfavorably.

00:50:18.000 If you're stealing, if you're hurting people, if you're damaging people.

00:50:21.000 100%.

00:50:21.000 So no matter who you are, you can't pretend you're the hero of your story.

00:50:27.000 You can't.

00:50:27.000 You have to be the hero of your own story.

00:50:30.000 And you can do that.

00:50:31.000 You can be the hero of your own story that woke up today.

00:50:34.000 You can be the hero of your own story that at 40 years of age stopped, got out of bed, and said, I'm not doing this anymore.

00:50:42.000 I'm doing this differently now.

00:50:43.000 I am going to figure this out and I'm going to do it.

00:50:46.000 100%.

00:50:46.000 Only by my instincts and only by my morals and my ideals and my mind and I'm gonna be dead honest with myself because I'm realizing this is not gonna last forever and I'm gonna be the nicest fucking human being to everyone I meet possibly and I'm gonna get myself in shape and I'm gonna eat healthy and I'm gonna do this because this is me now.

00:51:04.000 I decide that this is me and people have to realize that you are not your past. 0.98

00:51:09.000 You are not All the times you fucked up. 0.78

00:51:12.000 You are not all the times you couldn't get it up.

00:51:14.000 You are not all the times you were drunk and you threw up in someone's car.

00:51:19.000 That's not you.

00:51:20.000 You are the person who's learned from a great deal of experiences.

00:51:25.000 If you learn correctly and if you process them correctly, you'll have a happier life.

00:51:30.000 In recovery, that's a big part of it.

00:51:33.000 You're supposed to list all the stuff you've done to people.

00:51:36.000 And apologizing.

00:51:36.000 What it is, is you just get it out.

00:51:39.000 And you're like, I did this.

00:51:40.000 I'm sorry.

00:51:41.000 Now it's gone.

00:51:42.000 You moved on.

00:51:43.000 And usually the person you admit to, they'll be like, I did all that and a little more.

00:51:47.000 Look where I am.

00:51:48.000 It doesn't define you.

00:51:50.000 And that's the truth.

00:51:51.000 And sometimes people hold on to that.

00:51:53.000 Psychological stuff, like athletes and entertainers.

00:51:56.000 Sometimes they'll do something and something bad will happen.

00:51:58.000 And it almost like wounds them.

00:52:00.000 It's like high school. 0.98

00:52:01.000 When someone shits on you, it sticks with you. 0.63

00:52:04.000 Instead of understanding that there was a moment in time and that person was probably hurt themselves, it doesn't define you as a person. 0.98

00:52:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:52:11.000 We all do things that we're not happy that we did.

00:52:14.000 But that doesn't mean that's you now.

00:52:17.000 It means you've got to learn that and the thing about apologizing to someone, once you get it out there, once you've relieved this tension, then it's no longer this burden that you're carrying around because otherwise you have burdens. 0.76

00:52:29.000 Seriously, I will think about some shit that happened from fucking 20 or 30 years ago and I'll be like, I should have been nicer to her. 0.63

00:52:37.000 Or, oh, I shouldn't have talked to him that way. 0.99

00:52:39.000 And it will fuck with me like 20 or 30 years later. 0.99

00:52:43.000 Oh, there's this girl named Erin McNally. 0.99

00:52:44.000 I went to school there.

00:52:45.000 And I went to my last reunion just hoping that she would show up.

00:52:49.000 Because during elementary school, we treated her so badly.

00:52:52.000 And I hated it.

00:52:53.000 And I wasn't part of it.

00:52:54.000 But I saw it happening.

00:52:55.000 But I wasn't strong enough.

00:52:57.000 Because I was a kid.

00:52:58.000 And I've always wanted to just be like, I'm sorry that that had happened, man.

00:53:02.000 Yeah, well, when I was a kid, especially as I got older and I was more and more angry, I became the first person to pull the trigger.

00:53:11.000 I was like the first person to insult someone because I figured, well, you're going to probably insult me, so I'll get you first, you know? 0.99

00:53:17.000 And, you know, you develop this sort of protective personality like that, especially if, like, you're a little guy and people want to fuck with you. 0.99

00:53:24.000 And that was me. 0.99

00:53:25.000 And when you do that, you know, all of a sudden that'll, like, be a way you behave now.

00:53:30.000 And then, you know, you'll say things, you're like, I don't even say that. 0.99

00:53:32.000 That's such a douchey fucking thing to say. 0.98

00:53:34.000 But it's just purely, it's based purely on insecurity. 0.99

00:53:38.000 I used to call it the Tripoli low blow, where we would be like having... 0.91

00:53:43.000 Brian, what are you doing over there, buddy?

00:53:44.000 Want to participate in the conversation?

00:53:45.000 There's no way I could do that.

00:53:48.000 There's no way you could participate in this conversation?

00:53:50.000 Why's that?

00:53:50.000 Because it was so long-winded, I don't even know what you guys were talking about near the end.

00:53:54.000 I know what we're talking about.

00:53:56.000 I'll break it down for you.

00:53:56.000 Brian is like a two-year-old boy.

00:53:58.000 No, I mean, I got the main point near the beginning, and then it was kind of like, I just stopped listening.

00:54:03.000 I have a real problem in school with anything.

00:54:06.000 When something gets really deep into a conversation, unless it's about something that I'm totally interested in to solve some kind of mystery, I just lose interest in it.

00:54:17.000 How about we talk about... 0.58

00:54:18.000 Your feet stink, dude.

00:54:19.000 I know. 1.00

00:54:20.000 Put your fucking shoes back on. 1.00

00:54:21.000 Really? 1.00

00:54:21.000 I think something's wrong with my feet right now. 1.00

00:54:23.000 Well, if your feet stink, that's what's wrong.

00:54:25.000 Or is it your shoes that stink? 1.00

00:54:26.000 No, I think these shoes are fucked up. 1.00

00:54:28.000 That is the grossest thing ever when someone takes their shoes off and their feet stink right next to you. 1.00

00:54:32.000 But did you smell it stinky? 0.70

00:54:34.000 I smell it right here.

00:54:35.000 I just smelled it right when he said it.

00:54:36.000 Dude, they stink. 1.00

00:54:37.000 I'm going to light some incense, you stinky motherfucker. 1.00

00:54:40.000 Yeah, I have really old gym shoes on because I was moving on. 1.00

00:54:42.000 I want to talk about whether Brian's going to be okay with a tranny being on the podcast tomorrow. 1.00

00:54:47.000 So who is this girl, guy?

00:54:51.000 Listen, here's my whole thing, man.

00:54:53.000 How do you know this person, by the way?

00:54:55.000 Did you meet this person at a bar or a friend?

00:54:59.000 No, no, no. 1.00

00:55:00.000 That makes sense, you stinky bitch. 1.00

00:55:02.000 I just feel like in the Naughty Show, I want to explore all stuff. 1.00

00:55:08.000 And I'm fine with anybody doing whatever they want with consenting adults. 0.52

00:55:12.000 And so, you know, you can't do Naughty Show and it just can't be like, let's bang, porn star.

00:55:16.000 I want to explore everything and all the different aspects of not just sexuality, but just people and their behavior and everything like that.

00:55:23.000 And I just wanted to, and I thought it might be interesting to have her on and See what that's like? 0.64

00:55:28.000 How do you get that?

00:55:28.000 I'm always interested in how do people get that.

00:55:30.000 It's a funny subject.

00:55:31.000 I'm glad you brought this up because I wanted to talk about this very subject because somebody on the message board printed, he goes, I organized my porn folder.

00:55:38.000 That was the thread. 0.98

00:55:40.000 And they look at it and it's like 80% shemales and trannies. 1.00

00:55:45.000 And everybody was like, are you trolling? 0.98

00:55:47.000 Like, what are you doing?

00:55:49.000 Are you joking around?

00:55:50.000 Like, what are you doing?

00:55:51.000 And it was basically, what he was doing was getting the conversation started. 0.98

00:55:55.000 And then as he got the conversation started, he's like, no, I'm into regular girls, but I do watch a lot of tranny porn. 0.99

00:56:00.000 I've had some tranny escorts. 1.00

00:56:03.000 You know, and like, super honest about it. 0.99

00:56:05.000 And everybody's like, whoa, dude, you got balls. 0.92

00:56:07.000 But not really. 0.99

00:56:08.000 I mean, yes, he definitely has balls. 0.94

00:56:10.000 But it's a cool environment that you're doing it in. 0.97

00:56:12.000 Like, that's the best way to use the internet. 0.83

00:56:14.000 If you've got some crazy fucking freak thing, and you can talk about it, and your name is, you know, Akmach50. 0.95

00:56:21.000 Right, right. 0.99

00:56:21.000 No one's going to know who you are. 0.99

00:56:23.000 USA. You can make up whatever the fuck you want your name to be. 1.00

00:56:25.000 And then, you know, it's just a character on a message board. 0.98

00:56:28.000 Who knows if he's even telling the truth?

00:56:30.000 I mean, it might just be an ultimate troll.

00:56:31.000 People love to do things like that and then giggle and pretend.

00:56:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:56:35.000 I'm pretending I'm Brazilian. 0.52

00:56:37.000 People love doing things like that.

00:56:39.000 I just found it, you know, it's like the two biggest porn types out there.

00:56:42.000 Genres are interracial. 0.98

00:56:45.000 And tranny porn. 0.95

00:56:46.000 That's one of the biggest genres? 0.98

00:56:48.000 The two biggest.

00:56:48.000 Wow.

00:56:49.000 And you would know.

00:56:50.000 Folks, this is not coming out of a man who...

00:56:52.000 That's the person that's coming to the studio tomorrow. 0.94

00:56:53.000 That's a tranny? 1.00

00:56:54.000 Yeah. 0.95

00:56:54.000 Whoa. 0.95

00:56:55.000 That looks like a dude.

00:56:57.000 Yeah, some of them...

00:56:58.000 When they go too far with the makeup...

00:57:01.000 Here, trannies. 1.00

00:57:02.000 Let me give you a little piece of advice. 0.99

00:57:03.000 You're better off looking sort of like a man with less makeup than look like a tranny with a lot of makeup. 1.00

00:57:09.000 Because when you have a lot of makeup on, it always looks like you're trying to... 0.99

00:57:12.000 Yeah, but look at lesbians. 1.00

00:57:14.000 They try to go look like lumberjacks. 0.98

00:57:15.000 What guys really are going around with steel-toed boots? 0.99

00:57:17.000 The lesbians... 1.00

00:57:19.000 The butch ones. 1.00

00:57:19.000 The ones that don't want to work, they look like hot chicks. 1.00

00:57:22.000 Right. 1.00

00:57:22.000 Lipstick lesbians. 1.00

00:57:24.000 And they're my fans. 0.98

00:57:24.000 Well, those are the ones that don't want to work. 0.98

00:57:26.000 What they are is they want a woman to come along and take care of them the way a man would. 0.77

00:57:30.000 They want a woman to be like their bodyguard. 1.00

00:57:32.000 And they're usually passing through.

00:57:34.000 Chaz Bono them.

00:57:35.000 A hundred grand to look like Larry the Cable Guy. 1.00

00:57:37.000 That's so fucked up. 1.00

00:57:39.000 Is that what it costs? 1.00

00:57:40.000 A hundred grand?

00:57:41.000 Yeah.

00:57:41.000 You know what's weird about Chaps Bono?

00:57:43.000 Look, first of all, I would never criticize someone who's doing that because I don't know what the fuck it's like. 0.83

00:57:48.000 Here's my theory on that. 0.98

00:57:49.000 I don't know what's going on inside of his body.

00:57:52.000 I don't know.

00:57:53.000 I don't think I have no problems with it.

00:57:55.000 Be yourself, but don't tell me it's not a little weird.

00:57:57.000 It's like if your cat starts barking like a dog, it's a little weird.

00:58:01.000 I'm not saying it's wrong and I totally support his right to do it, but it's not...

00:58:06.000 Normal, normal.

00:58:07.000 I don't think she's saying it's not.

00:58:09.000 I think, no.

00:58:09.000 I think that's what's exactly...

00:58:11.000 Do you call him a he?

00:58:11.000 Do you call him a he or a she?

00:58:12.000 I call him a he. 1.00

00:58:13.000 Eh.

00:58:14.000 No, I call him a he. 1.00

00:58:15.000 Yeah?

00:58:15.000 That's what he is now.

00:58:17.000 Respectfully?

00:58:17.000 Yeah.

00:58:18.000 Yeah? 1.00

00:58:18.000 I have to see his dick to call him a he. 1.00

00:58:19.000 Well, that's my... 1.00

00:58:20.000 I do joke about that.

00:58:21.000 Otherwise, just say, hey, what's up, Chaz? 1.00

00:58:23.000 I'm like...

00:58:23.000 I wouldn't say he or she.

00:58:25.000 Maybe we'll just call him a Chaz. 0.93

00:58:26.000 Yeah.

00:58:27.000 You know, the Navajos thought that there was four basic sexes. 0.96

00:58:31.000 That it wasn't for preferences.

00:58:33.000 It wasn't male-female.

00:58:34.000 It was male-female, masculine-woman, feminine-male. 0.83

00:58:37.000 That makes sense.

00:58:40.000 And that there was always people that wished they were born a girl.

00:58:43.000 And I believe it.

00:58:44.000 I 100% believe it.

00:58:46.000 There's just too many people. 0.87

00:58:47.000 I mean, I know it could be just nutty people.

00:58:49.000 It could be some weird imbalance. 0.97

00:58:51.000 It's one thing they've proven that experiences will literally shape the mapping of your fucking mind and the way your mind makes correlations and the way, you know... 0.95

00:59:00.000 And even shape your genes, you know? 0.96

00:59:02.000 The genes are activated because of certain stresses and different things that happen to you, like literally in the womb, man.

00:59:09.000 You know, that's why so many people that come from really super volatile environments are like quick to jump and be violent. 0.99

00:59:15.000 And the reason being is that they're fucking programmed to say, hey, we're going to shoot you out in the middle of a fucking war zone, okay? 0.99

00:59:22.000 When you come out, it's craziness right out the get-go. 1.00

00:59:25.000 Your mom almost got shot today coming home from work, and you experience all this inside the womb. 0.98

00:59:30.000 Your body's like getting ready for war.

00:59:32.000 It's triggering everything in that way.

00:59:34.000 It's experiences, and you draw from those experiences on how to react to certain situations. 0.94

00:59:40.000 But back to the training stuff, I believe it's like gay training wheels. 1.00

00:59:45.000 No, it's not.

00:59:47.000 But why it's so popular on the internet?

00:59:50.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.

00:59:51.000 The porn. 0.86

00:59:52.000 Yeah.

00:59:52.000 Why is it so popular?

00:59:54.000 Because it starts off with blowjob videos. 0.96

00:59:56.000 I think there's a broad spectrum. 0.98

00:59:58.000 That's what I think.

00:59:58.000 I think there's a broad spectrum of sexual likes and dislikes.

01:00:03.000 And some guys literally get off, and they're not even gay, they get off on looking at other guys' dicks. 1.00

01:00:10.000 They'll get off on looking at a guy's dick being hard and imagine it was their dick. 1.00

01:00:13.000 And they literally watch porn and get off on the dicks. 1.00

01:00:16.000 Well, I think that's why interracial porn. 1.00

01:00:18.000 They just love watching these just big bazookas just destroying these little white girls. 1.00

01:00:24.000 I don't understand that because I can't relate. 1.00

01:00:26.000 Because it's not like, that's a black dick. 1.00

01:00:28.000 That's not my dick. 1.00

01:00:29.000 That's how I always look at it. 1.00

01:00:30.000 That's why when I see a dude who's got a little tiny dick, I'm like, come on, son. 1.00

01:00:33.000 That ain't my dick. 1.00

01:00:34.000 I can't pretend this is my dick. 1.00

01:00:35.000 So this is not like fun porn for me. 0.99

01:00:38.000 But there's not a lot of little dick porn. 0.99

01:00:39.000 There's plenty of little dick porno guys. 0.99

01:00:42.000 What's little? 0.99

01:00:43.000 What's little?

01:00:44.000 It's not big.

01:00:45.000 I can't relate, son.

01:00:46.000 Six, seven. 1.00

01:00:47.000 If it ain't swole like a motherfucker! 1.00

01:00:51.000 That's so interesting. 1.00

01:00:52.000 There's sometimes fat guys, too. 1.00

01:00:54.000 Fat guys with little dicks. 1.00

01:00:55.000 And some dudes love that shit. 1.00

01:00:56.000 Because they go, that could be me, man! 1.00

01:00:58.000 Which is why I was amazed that there's not more of that.

01:01:02.000 Because that's what porn started out. 0.99

01:01:03.000 Really ugly guys banging super hot chicks. 1.00

01:01:06.000 Because that was the fantasy. 1.00

01:01:08.000 Well, have you seen some of the new porn that they're doing? 1.00

01:01:09.000 Where the porno stars will fuck a fan? 1.00

01:01:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:12.000 They'll fuck a real fan. 1.00

01:01:13.000 And they'll let the fan come inside of them and everything. 1.00

01:01:15.000 Like, god damn. 0.99

01:01:16.000 Oh, that's what my... 0.99

01:01:17.000 At my naughty show, a director wanted to come and raffle off...

01:01:25.000 I don't know, the establishment was like, I don't know, that's legal.

01:01:28.000 Which establishment?

01:01:30.000 Cheetahs.

01:01:30.000 They said no?

01:01:32.000 Yeah.

01:01:32.000 Jesus Christ, how is it not legal?

01:01:34.000 You're just arranging, there's no money being taken, changing hands.

01:01:37.000 Something weird had happened to her.

01:01:38.000 You're arranging pornography.

01:01:40.000 Yeah.

01:01:40.000 Oh, if something weird.

01:01:42.000 That's their whole theory. 1.00

01:01:43.000 She could get some fucking savage. 1.00

01:01:44.000 Yeah, you could raffle it off and you could say that your buddy won, who's a fucking Aikabea Bucci, straight out of jail, dude. 1.00

01:01:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:50.000 Or just kill it. 1.00

01:01:51.000 But he was kind of like Ultimate Kiss Night or something. 1.00

01:01:54.000 He would be fucking her on a camera, though, dude. 0.98

01:01:56.000 I mean, it would be like a video that they make. 1.00

01:01:58.000 That's their whole thing.

01:01:59.000 If something went bad, they could be liable.

01:02:01.000 I'm like, I don't know how, but...

01:02:02.000 So they didn't want to do it.

01:02:03.000 I thought it was going to be hilarious.

01:02:04.000 Couldn't you just change the wording, though?

01:02:05.000 Like, Ultimate Kids Night?

01:02:06.000 Like, make it something like that?

01:02:07.000 Like, it was implied that everyone knows...

01:02:09.000 Yeah, you could just...

01:02:10.000 I mean, doesn't Howard Stern do that, though? 1.00

01:02:11.000 He sets it up where they go and fuck guys. 0.99

01:02:13.000 Yeah, the interns and stuff. 1.00

01:02:14.000 Yeah, they fuck guys. 1.00

01:02:14.000 I ran it by cheetahs and they were like, nope. 1.00

01:02:17.000 You said it wrong.

01:02:18.000 Well, you know what it is, man?

01:02:20.000 No.

01:02:20.000 You know what it is?

01:02:21.000 The risk for reward for them is not worth it.

01:02:24.000 What are they going to do?

01:02:24.000 They're going to make a couple hundred people happy if they do it?

01:02:26.000 And what's the risk?

01:02:27.000 The risk is...

01:02:28.000 They get known as a prostitution establishment. 1.00

01:02:30.000 Yeah, they get fucked and they lose their license. 1.00

01:02:33.000 That's the risk. 1.00

01:02:33.000 It's like, why would they do that for your silly little fucking comedy show? 1.00

01:02:37.000 Silly boy. 1.00

01:02:37.000 You non-business sense having motherfucker. 1.00

01:02:39.000 This is my business here. 1.00

01:02:40.000 I've been in Vegas for 17 fucking years at this location. 0.98

01:02:43.000 Yeah, I do it with a French accent. 0.99

01:02:44.000 That's who I want to cheat us now.

01:02:45.000 The French guy? 0.97

01:02:46.000 The French are freaks, man. 1.00

01:02:49.000 They don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:02:51.000 Have you been to a strip bar in LA lately? 0.99

01:02:54.000 No. 0.54

01:02:54.000 They're horrible. 0.54

01:02:55.000 Really? 0.99

01:02:55.000 They're all horrible. 0.99

01:02:56.000 They've always been horrible. 0.67

01:02:56.000 There's never been a good one. 0.67

01:02:58.000 Remember that bit that I used to do about the star strip on La Cienega?

01:03:02.000 No. 0.99

01:03:03.000 It was a true fucking story. 0.99

01:03:04.000 The girl was dancing and I asked her, I go, hey, is this fun for you? 0.99

01:03:07.000 Do you like doing this?

01:03:08.000 She goes, I don't talk to guys who come here.

01:03:10.000 Yeah.

01:03:11.000 And I go, why not?

01:03:12.000 She goes, well, you know what? 1.00

01:03:13.000 Most of the guys who come here are assholes. 1.00

01:03:15.000 So I don't talk to guys who come here. 1.00

01:03:17.000 And I go, well, it's an open door.

01:03:18.000 I mean, like, nice people come in, too.

01:03:20.000 And she goes, well, they only come here for one reason.

01:03:23.000 I mean, like, why did you come in here? 1.00

01:03:24.000 And I go, because somebody told me there's a place that I could go where I could see a strange girl's pussy for a dollar. 1.00

01:03:29.000 Oh, I remember that bit. 1.00

01:03:30.000 Yeah, you remember that bit?

01:03:31.000 That's a true story.

01:03:31.000 That really did happen.

01:03:32.000 I was like, what a gross conversation.

01:03:34.000 You're dancing.

01:03:35.000 If you don't want to talk to me, just say, you know, I prefer to be silent or something. 0.98

01:03:40.000 But to say most guys are assholes, like, okay, I get this is not fun all the time, but I'm nice. 0.98

01:03:45.000 I'm being nice to you. 1.00

01:03:46.000 Yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of dicks going in there, but it's like, that's your job. 0.99

01:03:50.000 I mean, it's like, there's a bit of sales going on. 0.97

01:03:53.000 Yes, but, Joe, you should totally open up a club and just call it, like, Houston's, and fly just, all the girls there are just from Texas, and they get flown in every week. 1.00

01:04:02.000 Wouldn't it be cool?

01:04:03.000 No, it wouldn't be cool.

01:04:04.000 Why wouldn't it be cool? 1.00

01:04:04.000 That would solve the LA... Because you gotta deal with a bunch of fucking problems. 1.00

01:04:06.000 That's what you got. 0.99

01:04:07.000 I mean, if you wanna...

01:04:08.000 What it is is these are people that are broken.

01:04:11.000 That's what it is.

01:04:12.000 I mean, the reason why this girl's angry at work is not because... 1.00

01:04:14.000 Not even necessarily because so many guys are assholes, which I'm sure they are. 1.00

01:04:17.000 But it's because the reason why she's fucking got her asshole in front of your face in the first place. 1.00

01:04:21.000 She's broken. 1.00

01:04:22.000 Something happened to this poor girl when she was younger and she's all fucked up and most likely molested and then here we go. 1.00

01:04:28.000 There's good strip clubs though. 1.00

01:04:31.000 You enjoy going to good strip clubs.

01:04:32.000 The ones in LA are just completely broken because of the actress thing. 0.97

01:04:37.000 You can only enjoy it with a bunch of people and less and less.

01:04:42.000 Less and less I enjoy it than when I was younger.

01:04:44.000 It's just because I do the math. 0.98

01:04:46.000 You do that whole fucking Buddhist thing where you start to think about what is the cause and effect? 0.97

01:04:50.000 What is the initial starting point for the current behavior? 1.00

01:04:55.000 Or you have a couple of drinks and you just go stare at tits. 1.00

01:04:57.000 Do you hear about the place in North Dakota? 0.96

01:04:59.000 There's this city, some mining city, where the girls are stripping and they're making $3,500 a night because they got so much money and there's like five chicks in the whole entire town. 1.00

01:05:10.000 And they're taking in applications from around the world.

01:05:15.000 Like Russians, Czech chicks. 1.00

01:05:18.000 Yeah, I was talking to some dudes up in Canada. 0.99

01:05:21.000 We were in Grand Prairie and some shit like that. 0.99

01:05:24.000 Way the fuck up there. 0.98

01:05:25.000 And they were talking to us about there's a lot of dudes that work up there in the mines. 0.98

01:05:31.000 And there's nothing to do up there.

01:05:32.000 And they make a shitload of money. 0.98

01:05:34.000 Shit loads of money, dude. 1.00

01:05:36.000 Shit loads of cash. 1.00

01:05:37.000 That was my job when I got... 0.99

01:05:39.000 They come in from Europe for gigs there.

01:05:41.000 Yeah, I have rules with women. 1.00

01:05:42.000 I won't fuck three types of chicks. 1.00

01:05:44.000 Underage, married, or Russian chicks. 1.00

01:05:46.000 Scared of Russians?

01:05:48.000 Dude, one, they may not be there by choice.

01:05:50.000 And two, you don't know, man. 1.00

01:05:52.000 Those chicks are just as crazy, man. 1.00

01:05:54.000 They come in, they'll slice and dice some motherfuckers. 1.00

01:05:56.000 Dude, the craziest bitch I ever used to... 1.00

01:05:59.000 Fuck around with was a Ukrainian girl. 1.00

01:06:01.000 Right? 1.00

01:06:02.000 She was wild.

01:06:03.000 I still beat off to that girl. 1.00

01:06:05.000 And they always want to get married.

01:06:07.000 Like after like two months, they're like, I need a ring.

01:06:09.000 Put a ring on this finger. 1.00

01:06:11.000 Yeah, well she was a second generation, but god damn, this bitch was a freak. 1.00

01:06:15.000 Woo! 1.00

01:06:16.000 They're like the craziest white girls out there. 1.00

01:06:19.000 They're crazy white girls, but they're just like, they're a much hardier stock than your average white girl. 1.00

01:06:25.000 It's like, almost like, they're almost like a different species. 0.99

01:06:29.000 And the men, too. 0.99

01:06:30.000 You know, if you look at guys like Fedor or Igor Zinoviev or, you know, the fucking hard Russian men. 0.99

01:06:36.000 You know, there's some fucking hard Russian men. 0.99

01:06:38.000 They always have that country strength. 0.98

01:06:40.000 Yeah, it's like, yeah, like a whole country full of Matt Hughes's.

01:06:44.000 They look like they fight grizzly bears.

01:06:46.000 It's a tough...

01:06:46.000 I mean, look.

01:06:47.000 There's Russian pussies just like... 1.00

01:06:49.000 There's American pussies. 1.00

01:06:50.000 There are all kinds of pussies in this world. 1.00

01:06:51.000 But Russians are some fucking tough fucking people, man. 1.00

01:06:55.000 Yeah, they are. 1.00

01:06:56.000 They've been through some crazy shit. 1.00

01:06:58.000 Armenians? 1.00

01:06:59.000 Armenians are nuts, bro. 1.00

01:07:00.000 That's our people. 1.00

01:07:01.000 Tough fucking people, man. 1.00

01:07:02.000 A lot of Armenian fighters, dude. 1.00

01:07:05.000 A lot of MMA fighters.

01:07:06.000 A lot of Muay Thai Armenian fighters.

01:07:08.000 A lot of Armenian boxers.

01:07:09.000 Taxi drivers.

01:07:10.000 When you think of...

01:07:12.000 When I moved to LA, that was the weirdest thing because where I was from, you know, the Armenians where I'm from are very, like, they look like white people. 1.00

01:07:20.000 Right.

01:07:20.000 Out here, they're very Persian Armenian.

01:07:22.000 Where are you from?

01:07:23.000 Upstate New York.

01:07:24.000 And they look like white people. 0.51

01:07:25.000 They look, if you looked at all my aunts, you'd be like, a couple of my aunts, you'd be like, wow, those are white people.

01:07:29.000 You would never know they were Armenian.

01:07:31.000 How did Armenia get its Armenia name?

01:07:35.000 Armenianites.

01:07:36.000 How did they get their ethnicity?

01:07:40.000 Where do they come from?

01:07:41.000 Is it a mix of...

01:07:41.000 You know, like Filipinos or Chinese and Spanish?

01:07:44.000 Like, out here, they're mostly Persian-Armenians.

01:07:47.000 Persian-Armenians.

01:07:48.000 They're like Persians, but the country adopted Christianity, so it became its own little thing, and it never really got along with any of its neighbors. 1.00

01:07:57.000 So the Persians came into Iran and then became Christians?

01:08:01.000 No, the Persians Yeah, well, it was one whole thing. 0.91

01:08:04.000 I mean, you came into Armenia and then became Christians?

01:08:07.000 Yeah, the country was the first country to ever adopt Christianity as its country's official religion.

01:08:14.000 Okay, so there's the darker, more Middle Eastern-looking Armenians, and then there's more like European? 0.98

01:08:20.000 Eastern European, yeah.

01:08:22.000 Very light-skinned.

01:08:23.000 Very light-skinned.

01:08:24.000 You would never know.

01:08:25.000 Do they take you the same way, though?

01:08:26.000 Because I know that with Mexicans, there's a big difference in Mexicans as well.

01:08:30.000 Coconuts?

01:08:31.000 Well, with Mexicans, you get dudes who look like Oscar de la Hoya or Salma Hayek, who look very Spanish, very European. 0.97

01:08:39.000 Then you get dudes who look more like Indians, really, more like Native Americans, because that's the real bloodline, like the Mayans. 0.67

01:08:47.000 What about the one Mexican boxer who looks red-headed Irish?

01:08:51.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:08:52.000 I forget his name.

01:08:54.000 Louis C.K.? Did you hear his name?

01:08:55.000 Yeah, Louis C.K. is Mexican, too.

01:08:57.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:08:57.000 He was born in Mexico.

01:08:58.000 Louis C.K. is Mexican?

01:08:59.000 Not born in Mexico, but he's Mexican.

01:09:01.000 Wow!

01:09:01.000 I never knew that, but that's what...

01:09:03.000 Well, he has a joke about how he's more Mexican than Carlos Mencia.

01:09:06.000 And he really is.

01:09:07.000 I mean, Louis is Mexican.

01:09:08.000 Yeah.

01:09:09.000 Very fascinating.

01:09:10.000 Full?

01:09:11.000 I don't know.

01:09:13.000 He's got a lot of Mexican in him.

01:09:16.000 But there's a very distinct look that some Mexicans have.

01:09:22.000 It's more of an American Indian look.

01:09:24.000 Yeah.

01:09:25.000 Sort of.

01:09:26.000 When I went to Mexico City, I went to Mexico City to see Metallica and we flew in and my friends were already there and we didn't know what to do.

01:09:35.000 So we're like, no one's here to pick us up.

01:09:38.000 We were going to go.

01:09:39.000 We're like, we need a ride so we find a taxi.

01:09:41.000 And it gets shady, dude.

01:09:42.000 The taxi driver's like, follow me, man.

01:09:45.000 And we walk through the airport.

01:09:47.000 And as we get through the airport, we keep walking.

01:09:49.000 It gets more and more third world.

01:09:50.000 So I'm not lying to you.

01:09:52.000 Eventually, we're walking out the airport through this back alley where there's these chickens all running around.

01:09:57.000 And I'm like, this is not going right, man.

01:10:00.000 And we got into the car.

01:10:01.000 I made a video of it.

01:10:02.000 And he drove around.

01:10:03.000 And that's the worst thing you can do in Mexico City is get in a taxi because they will kidnap you.

01:10:09.000 They'll drive you somewhere, they'll take you, and they'll hold you for a couple days until they drain your ATM. And if you're lucky, they'll let you come back.

01:10:16.000 But I don't know if this guy liked us.

01:10:18.000 We started talking about hookers and all that stuff. 0.78

01:10:20.000 Because there's something about me, whenever I land to do stand-up or do somewhere, I always ask, so what's going on in this town? 0.51

01:10:26.000 And they always tell me where the hookers are. 1.00

01:10:28.000 Immediately, the first thing they always tell me is like, oh, you can get some girls over here. 1.00

01:10:32.000 I don't know what it is.

01:10:33.000 You seem like a party guy. 0.99

01:10:34.000 I seem like a party guy, but do I look like I need hookers? 1.00

01:10:38.000 Yes. 0.99

01:10:38.000 Really? 0.99

01:10:39.000 Absolutely.

01:10:40.000 I mean, that's cool.

01:10:41.000 That's a cool superpower.

01:10:41.000 You just look like you like him.

01:10:43.000 Like, you could tell.

01:10:44.000 Like, I just want to talk to them?

01:10:46.000 Yeah.

01:10:46.000 And get to know them?

01:10:47.000 Right. 0.92

01:10:48.000 And the hooker whisperer? 1.00

01:10:49.000 Yeah, Mexico is a very tricky place. 0.98

01:10:51.000 Last time I was there, I was in Cancun.

01:10:53.000 It was a few years back, and I remember landing and walking through the airport, and just all these people, like, coming at you to try to give you a ride.

01:11:01.000 And I was like, wow, we had a ride already arranged, and I was like, this is gross, man.

01:11:05.000 Like, you can't move through them.

01:11:07.000 Like, I'm walking, pulling my bags, and like, one after the other, you need a ride, you need a ride, you need a ride, sir, senor, you need a ride, senor. 0.97

01:11:14.000 Holding up their fucking sign, and it's like, wow, this is weird. 0.98

01:11:17.000 I'm uncomfortable here. 0.99

01:11:18.000 You realize, like, whoa, they're playing by different rules.

01:11:22.000 100%.

01:11:22.000 This is a third world country, son.

01:11:23.000 You can call it Cancun all you want.

01:11:25.000 You just landed in a place where laws don't apply.

01:11:28.000 Everything's different.

01:11:29.000 I mean, some laws apply, but it's not the same. 1.00

01:11:31.000 Everything's run by fucking violent drug gangs. 0.99

01:11:35.000 Sure, they have a military presence. 1.00

01:11:37.000 Sure, they have police. 1.00

01:11:38.000 But the fucking drug gangs in Mexico are... 1.00

01:11:41.000 They run everything. 1.00

01:11:42.000 Everything.

01:11:42.000 Near the border.

01:11:44.000 You go to the border.

01:11:44.000 They even have our weapons.

01:11:46.000 They end up busting them with our military weapons. 0.93

01:11:49.000 How ridiculous is that? 1.00

01:11:50.000 When you realize how fucking nutty these government agents are. 1.00

01:11:54.000 Did you hear about that? 1.00

01:11:55.000 Was it called Operation Fast and Furious?

01:11:57.000 Is that what it was?

01:11:58.000 Well, I mean, do you think we give it to them?

01:12:00.000 Or they just end up...

01:12:01.000 Yeah, because we like to destabilize regions. 0.93

01:12:05.000 Is that what it is?

01:12:05.000 You think they're trying to...

01:12:06.000 Oh, 100%.

01:12:07.000 We play both sides.

01:12:09.000 We...

01:12:10.000 Their guns turned up in El Paso too.

01:12:12.000 The guns, they turned up in crimes that were used in El Paso. 1.00

01:12:15.000 So the guns that the ATF sold to the Mexican drug traffickers, those fucking guns showed up in our country. 1.00

01:12:22.000 So those guns could have easily been used to kill American civilians because our fucking government is completely incompetent and retarded. 1.00

01:12:29.000 2,000 weapons were trafficked along the US-Mexico border and many were using violent crimes in Mexico. 1.00

01:12:35.000 In addition, two AK-47 semi-automatics involved in the program were recovered after a US border agent was killed south of Tucson. 0.99

01:12:43.000 Wow, a US fucking border agent was killed with one of these weapons. 0.88

01:12:46.000 So under the program dubbed Fast and Furious, agents with the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and Explosives in the Phoenix field office allowed licensed firearm dealers to sell weapons to illegal straw buyers in the hope that the agents could track the weapons and arrest Mexican drug cartel leaders. 1.00

01:13:04.000 That was their wacky, fucking dopey ass idea. 0.99

01:13:08.000 They were gonna allow the fucking Mexican drug cartels to get more weapons. 1.00

01:13:13.000 What? 1.00

01:13:13.000 Did they have GPS things in them or something? 1.00

01:13:15.000 Who the fuck knows? 0.98

01:13:16.000 Because then that kind of makes sense. 0.99

01:13:17.000 No, it doesn't.

01:13:18.000 If you give a bunch of guns and you watch... 1.00

01:13:21.000 That's dumb. 0.99

01:13:22.000 They know where they are. 1.00

01:13:22.000 They already know where they are. 1.00

01:13:23.000 They're where the drug guys are. 1.00

01:13:24.000 They have fucking ranches, man. 1.00

01:13:26.000 Dude, there's powers that be, bro. 1.00

01:13:28.000 Yeah, they have billions and billions of dollars.

01:13:30.000 And you never know.

01:13:31.000 Like, there was that whole theory that they want to really, like...

01:13:34.000 Bankrupt Mexico.

01:13:36.000 You ever heard of the Amero?

01:13:37.000 Do you buy into that at all?

01:13:39.000 I heard about it.

01:13:40.000 Yeah, like the whole thing was just...

01:13:41.000 Dobbs actually had it on CNN, I think. 0.99

01:13:43.000 About just how they're trying to make Mexico's broke as shit, and then America broke as shit, and then bring down Canada with us, and then our money's worth nothing, that they just get rid of everything, and it's the Amero, bro. 1.00

01:13:56.000 Do you think that's possible? 0.99

01:13:57.000 Do you think the government actually plots to crash the economy?

01:14:00.000 I think it's absolute incompetence. 0.99

01:14:03.000 I don't think that they plot to crash shit. 0.99

01:14:05.000 I do think that powers that be crash the market so they can buy everything cheaper and then it goes back up and they buy more money. 0.99

01:14:12.000 I definitely think that.

01:14:13.000 Okay, yeah.

01:14:14.000 Well, I definitely think that people short stocks and they manipulate the market and do stuff like that to get money.

01:14:21.000 But that's not necessarily the same people that are the government.

01:14:24.000 This is people that are involved in the market. 0.80

01:14:27.000 The market sort of pays for the government to get the government to do certain things their way that help them and aid them and stealing money and make sure there's a lot of clauses so they get away with a lot of shady shit completely legally. 0.95

01:14:40.000 But I don't think they're plotting to fucking crash the economy. 0.84

01:14:45.000 You ever watch the first 48? 0.92

01:14:47.000 Yes.

01:14:48.000 You ever see somebody kill somebody over $20 worth of crack?

01:14:51.000 Yeah.

01:14:52.000 And you're like, well, those are just thugs and gals, but they're people.

01:14:55.000 They're wired certain ways.

01:14:56.000 You're looking at the government.

01:14:58.000 You're looking at people who are dealing with billions, if not trillions of dollars.

01:15:02.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

01:15:02.000 I just don't think they're going to let a flip of a coin decide where that money goes and that they could have some problem with manipulating shit. 0.99

01:15:09.000 I'm not saying that's what happens, but I would never ever put it past somebody to manipulate something for a ton of money. 0.98

01:15:17.000 Yeah, maybe, but...

01:15:17.000 You know what?

01:15:18.000 There's too many people who'd have to be involved in rigging the whole economy to collapse, and then you'd have to figure out who the hell's going to profit on this, and then you'd have to follow the money.

01:15:27.000 There's no mystery why things collapsed.

01:15:29.000 There's no mystery. 0.97

01:15:30.000 There was a goddamn money grab, and they knew that it was temporary, and they went crazy, and they made the whole economy virtually... 0.99

01:15:39.000 Based on nothing. 1.00

01:15:40.000 Based on nonsense.

01:15:41.000 Slowly but surely.

01:15:43.000 Not based on gold.

01:15:44.000 Not based on anything.

01:15:45.000 Based on craziness.

01:15:46.000 And then there's derivatives. 0.97

01:15:47.000 I read this Matt Taibbi article where he was talking about the derivative economy being 100 times larger than the regular economy, whatever the fuck that means. 0.99

01:15:54.000 It gets so fucking squirrely. 0.97

01:15:58.000 So they know what went wrong. 0.97

01:16:00.000 It's not like someone sabotaged it on purpose.

01:16:03.000 So they can profit from it.

01:16:05.000 And that they can slowly devalue the dollar so they can combine the countries together.

01:16:10.000 You know, there's no profit in that, man.

01:16:11.000 There's no ultimate profit in creating one giant country.

01:16:15.000 Listen, I'm not saying that there could be.

01:16:17.000 I'm saying that's a theory out there.

01:16:20.000 It's beyond, but I wouldn't put it past anybody.

01:16:24.000 Because when they do that supposedly, what's going to have to happen, and this is such a radical thing, but it would be like you would scrap the Constitution.

01:16:31.000 You'd have to scrap the Constitution and rewrite it.

01:16:33.000 Well, they've sort of done that anyway.

01:16:35.000 They've sort of done that anyway, slowly but surely.

01:16:37.000 But this would be a direct...

01:16:39.000 Parts of freedom of speech, parts of the Second Amendment, the right to bear arms has been compromised significantly in this country, and more and more now that they were trying to do with medical marijuana.

01:16:51.000 They're trying to make it so that if you have medical marijuana, you're not allowed to possess a gun anymore, or you're not allowed to buy a new gun. 0.58

01:16:56.000 It's ridiculous. 0.99

01:16:57.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

01:16:58.000 They're fucking with people's rights, inalienable rights as non-criminals in the United States of America, as hunters, as people that want to go target shooting. 0.99

01:17:06.000 It's whatever. 0.98

01:17:07.000 You know, you're saying because someone uses medical marijuana, they shouldn't be allowed to?

01:17:10.000 What about oxycodone?

01:17:11.000 You got that on your list?

01:17:12.000 No, you don't. 1.00

01:17:13.000 Oh, go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:17:13.000 Yeah, that's one... 1.00

01:17:14.000 You criminals. 0.98

01:17:15.000 They should go to jail for that, dude. 0.94

01:17:17.000 Just for even suggesting that medical marijuana should be something that you should lose your gun for and not OxyContin and not Vicodin and not a regular drinker. 1.00

01:17:27.000 Fuck you, you criminal. 1.00

01:17:28.000 100%. 1.00

01:17:28.000 It's so transparent, man. 1.00

01:17:30.000 That is one of the most transparent pieces of corruption the world has ever seen. 0.99

01:17:34.000 The idea that the fucking ATF is going to go after potheads before they go after pharmaceutical companies, alcohol companies. 0.99

01:17:41.000 You're going to go after people who smoke pot. 0.99

01:17:43.000 They're the ones who can't have guns.

01:17:44.000 What about Obama and his administration now trying to shut down all the dispensaries? 0.97

01:17:50.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous. 0.97

01:17:52.000 It's a bag of goods. 1.00

01:17:53.000 It's all bullshit. 1.00

01:17:54.000 They say it's the Department of Justice. 1.00

01:17:56.000 But it's his guys in there.

01:17:59.000 Yeah, well, I guess they're not listening to him.

01:18:01.000 I don't know.

01:18:01.000 I mean, I don't know how that works.

01:18:03.000 I don't know how much say the president really has.

01:18:05.000 I'm with you.

01:18:06.000 I don't...

01:18:06.000 That's what I think happens is he got in there.

01:18:09.000 He wanted, like, yes, we can.

01:18:11.000 Got in there.

01:18:12.000 Real...

01:18:12.000 It's the Bill Hicks whole thing.

01:18:14.000 They showed him a different fucking view of the candy assassination. 0.95

01:18:18.000 I think it's even different than the Bill Hicks joke. 1.00

01:18:20.000 It's like, instead, he thought he was going to go there and he was going to get into an office and he was going to be able to change shit. 0.69

01:18:25.000 And when he got there, there's a bunch of people feverishly working to patch up a hole in the middle of the universe. 0.96

01:18:31.000 Right? 0.93

01:18:31.000 And they're like, listen, we can only keep this together for another fucking year or two. 0.93

01:18:34.000 And it's going to blow. 0.99

01:18:36.000 It doesn't matter if the economy goes.

01:18:37.000 It doesn't matter if we get cancer. 1.00

01:18:38.000 This fucking thing's going to blow. 1.00

01:18:39.000 There's a hole in the universe. 1.00

01:18:41.000 We're trying to patch it up.

01:18:42.000 We've got our boys holding it down. 0.99

01:18:43.000 And they flew him out to fucking Area 51 in Nevada. 1.00

01:18:45.000 And he looked at the hole in the universe and he went, fuck. 1.00

01:18:47.000 And then his hair slowly became gray. 1.00

01:18:49.000 And he's like, what do you want to go after pot?

01:18:51.000 Go after pot. 1.00

01:18:52.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:18:52.000 Who cares at this point? 1.00

01:18:54.000 Pakistan? 0.75

01:18:54.000 War with Pakistan? 0.75

01:18:55.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:18:56.000 Why not? 1.00

01:18:56.000 Iran? 1.00

01:18:57.000 Iran has bombs? 1.00

01:18:58.000 Let's bomb them first. 1.00

01:18:59.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:18:59.000 It's a goddamn hole in the universe. 1.00

01:19:01.000 Why not, dude? 1.00

01:19:02.000 Why not?

01:19:02.000 Did he get gray quick, didn't he?

01:19:04.000 Well, you know, he looks better.

01:19:06.000 Black don't crack, that's for sure.

01:19:07.000 He looks better than Bush. 0.97

01:19:08.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:19:09.000 They decay because they start seeing shit that we don't even know about. 0.99

01:19:13.000 They're just like, uh... 0.99

01:19:15.000 You heard what Bill Clinton said, man?

01:19:17.000 One of the craziest things that he said about being in office was about the moon landings.

01:19:21.000 He said that when he was a kid, just a couple months after the Apollo 11 landing, he said that it was amazing that man put a person on the moon and he worked with his old carpenter.

01:19:31.000 This old carpenter said that he thought that that was BS and that those television fellers...

01:19:37.000 He goes, I don't believe a word of it.

01:19:38.000 Those television fellers can try to get you to believe anything.

01:19:41.000 I don't believe man landed on the moon.

01:19:42.000 And he said, at the time, I thought that guy was a crank.

01:19:44.000 He goes, but after eight years in the White House...

01:19:47.000 Just stop and think about that.

01:19:50.000 What he said, after eight years in the White House, I start to think maybe he was ahead of his time. 1.00

01:19:55.000 This is the fucking president! 1.00

01:19:56.000 The fucking president said that. 1.00

01:19:58.000 Just imagine the shit that he saw where he would even pretend that the moon landings possibly could have been faked. 1.00

01:20:04.000 That he would even entertain that for a moment. 1.00

01:20:06.000 I don't think we have a goddamn clue as to what really creepy shit is going on behind closed doors when the pharmaceutical companies talk about the amount of drugs that they produce every year that they need to sell and how they up the Oxycontin every fucking year. 0.99

01:20:25.000 You know, they've upped it so much since we've been in Afghanistan. 0.99

01:20:28.000 What a coincidence. 0.98

01:20:29.000 Afghanistan produces all the heroin and that's where they're fucking getting it and that's where they're making OxyContin and we're over there protecting it. 1.00

01:20:36.000 100%. 1.00

01:20:36.000 Hilarious. 1.00

01:20:37.000 And it's so funny that people don't believe any of that.

01:20:40.000 That they can't sit there and fathom that their leaders might not have their best interests.

01:20:46.000 Especially when you're talking about billions and billions and billions of dollars. 0.99

01:20:49.000 When you're talking about just ridiculous sums of money, we're willing to do some creepy shit. 1.00

01:20:54.000 We're willing to do some creepy shit, man. 1.00

01:20:56.000 Yep. 1.00

01:20:57.000 And don't give a fuck, man. 1.00

01:20:59.000 I always question authority, man. 1.00

01:21:01.000 Always.

01:21:01.000 I just think it's more fun.

01:21:03.000 It's interesting.

01:21:04.000 Why keep making their jobs easy?

01:21:05.000 But look how easily they can justify what they do. 0.96

01:21:08.000 There was some fucking one of those speeches where they talked about where it was like Obama had jokes written for him. 0.99

01:21:15.000 And he had a joke about his daughters. 0.97

01:21:20.000 you predator drone like he was joking right people dating his daughter that he will send a predator drone on you what's kind of a fucked up joke and then when you go look into how many people have died using predator drones how many innocent people have died hundreds of them including like i think it was like 150 children so yeah but it's not the same thing like baseball jokes

01:21:42.000 150 children have been killed by things that are ultimately under his control since he is the commander-in-chief of the united states army and the united states military force right he's the commander-in-chief 100 so ultimately he's at the top of the blame list 150 150 babies were killed by missiles from a flying robot.

01:22:03.000 And he's joking around about people dating his daughter.

01:22:06.000 100%.

01:22:07.000 And here's the whole...

01:22:07.000 I've said 100%.

01:22:08.000 And using Predator drones to go after him.

01:22:10.000 But here's the thing.

01:22:12.000 It's back to hand-to-hand combat.

01:22:13.000 If you and I are going at it and you see I give up, there's a sense of like, okay, he's giving up.

01:22:18.000 But if you're a thousand miles away, you're not going to see me surrender.

01:22:21.000 And it means there's no like...

01:22:23.000 It's a detachment.

01:22:24.000 It's a detachment.

01:22:24.000 Yeah!

01:22:25.000 It's the same kind of detachment you get on the internet where you're allowed to use a fake name. 0.90

01:22:27.000 Like, this guy could talk about tranny porn because he doesn't have to worry. 0.97

01:22:30.000 He's detached. 0.96

01:22:30.000 Or someone could be mean to you. 0.96

01:22:32.000 And, you know, they don't worry about the social repercussions of being mean to you because they don't say you. 1.00

01:22:35.000 It's like, fuck you, Tripoli. 1.00

01:22:36.000 You fucking suck. 1.00

01:22:37.000 You always suck. 1.00

01:22:37.000 Oh, you read my comments? 1.00

01:22:39.000 No, I'm just assuming.

01:22:40.000 Everybody gets those.

01:22:42.000 Everybody gets those.

01:22:43.000 Well, did you hear that the founder of Facebook, his sister, is trying to make it so people have to use their real names on the internet?

01:22:50.000 I don't know if it'll ever happen.

01:22:51.000 I don't like that.

01:22:52.000 I think you should be able to do whatever you want.

01:22:54.000 If you want to use your real name, use your real name.

01:22:55.000 If you don't, I think there should be places where you have to use your real name.

01:22:58.000 Like, my message board, I would like it if you had your real face and your real name, and that's what we saw.

01:23:05.000 You can't make that?

01:23:06.000 Well, I mean, I guess I could, but I don't want to be censoring people. 0.98

01:23:10.000 And if that was the case, people wouldn't be able to post shit because of what they do for a living. 0.98

01:23:14.000 Like, there's some people that have asked me to change their screen names because their screen name, somebody from work found out their screen name, so they asked me to, like, change their screen name so that they couldn't get, you know, some fucking tattletale at work. 0.99

01:23:25.000 Couldn't go, yeah, Bob's talking about tranny porn. 0.96

01:23:27.000 That's what he does. 0.99

01:23:28.000 He doesn't deserve this work.

01:23:29.000 Look at the times where he's logged on.

01:23:31.000 This is 4 p.m.

01:23:31.000 He's working at 4 p.m.

01:23:32.000 He's talking about tranny porn. 1.00

01:23:33.000 People do that shit, man. 1.00

01:23:34.000 It's so much tracking too nowadays. 1.00

01:23:36.000 Like Twitter, Facebook, everything.

01:23:39.000 How many times have you used Twitter?

01:23:41.000 Use your location.

01:23:44.000 My latest phone has that turned on immediately.

01:23:47.000 I didn't even do it.

01:23:49.000 I'm like, great.

01:23:49.000 Did I just tweet?

01:23:51.000 Did you get a 4S? Yeah.

01:23:52.000 It has that shit on it. 1.00

01:23:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:23:55.000 It's creepy.

01:23:55.000 It is creepy.

01:23:57.000 I just think people are extra mean because there's no ramifications.

01:24:02.000 It's true.

01:24:02.000 And ultimately, everything comes down to accountability.

01:24:04.000 That's what I think we get away from more and more in this society, especially in this country, which is...

01:24:11.000 My whole thing is, I wish they would say that at Occupy Wall Street or LA. You want accountability, man.

01:24:17.000 You want accountability for everything you do.

01:24:20.000 Whether it's government, whether it's your personal actions, it's accountability.

01:24:25.000 And that's what they're asking for, but no one will come out and say that on that thing. 1.00

01:24:28.000 So they all put out their own stupid shit. 1.00

01:24:30.000 Somebody did something fucked up and the whole thing's falling apart and no one's going to jail. 1.00

01:24:34.000 That's a sure sign that the justice system is not working properly. 0.96

01:24:39.000 A sure sign that our elected leaders are not going after the people that had created this problem.

01:24:45.000 100...

01:24:45.000 I gotta stop saying that 100%.

01:24:48.000 100%!

01:24:48.000 You say 1000% too.

01:24:50.000 Yeah, I should say.

01:24:51.000 It's like a drinking game at this point. 0.99

01:24:53.000 Anyone drinking shots at this point is shit-faced. 1.00

01:24:56.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:24:57.000 Can you imagine in the future if there was a movie that was designed, probably like Avatar or something like that, like CGI, and every time you watched it, going back to what you were talking about earlier, every time you watched it, a new scene was in the movie, and it was created randomly by a computer generator, kind of like Minecraft, this video game.

01:25:16.000 I'm sure that could be possible.

01:25:18.000 I'm sure that's going to happen.

01:25:19.000 You could sit down and watch Star Wars, like a whole new version of Star Wars, every time you watch it.

01:25:24.000 Or it becomes like a choose-your-own-adventure movie where it's like different choices give you a different ending to the script.

01:25:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:25:32.000 Absolutely, man.

01:25:33.000 The future is going to be very strange when it comes to what you can create, artificial environments that you can create.

01:25:40.000 The real question to me is like, what's going to win? 0.99

01:25:44.000 Is it going to be human stupidity or is it going to be technology? 1.00

01:25:47.000 It's almost like there's a race to a final conclusion. 1.00

01:25:50.000 I think it's technology.

01:25:52.000 Maybe, but we're also invading Pakistan, and Iran's got nukes, and they're fucking with the Large Hadron Collider and some new laser they're proposing to build in Britain that could punch a hole through space-time. 0.91

01:26:03.000 There's a weird race going on.

01:26:06.000 And at the same time, look at what's going on in the Congo.

01:26:11.000 Again, so sad.

01:26:12.000 Look what's going on in the Congo.

01:26:14.000 Look what's going on in Mexico.

01:26:15.000 Look what's going on in so many different parts of the world where human lives are just falling apart.

01:26:21.000 Human civilization falling apart.

01:26:23.000 Chaos.

01:26:24.000 You know, just ultimate chaos.

01:26:25.000 You look at like, watch like documentaries on parts of Africa and you would swear this is a post-apocalyptic vision.

01:26:32.000 Right?

01:26:32.000 The things they do, like warlords just hacking orphans just to get their spears.

01:26:38.000 I mean, it's crazy.

01:26:39.000 Eating the flesh of innocent children on the enemy's side to be invulnerable in battle.

01:26:46.000 Some of the stuff that I watch documentaries on Liberia, they've stained my brain forever, man. 1.00

01:26:52.000 Cannibalism, rampant, rampant cannibalism.

01:26:54.000 We're going to have Shane Smith on the podcast from Vice TV. He's one of the guys who went to Liberia.

01:27:01.000 Is he the guy who went to North Korea too?

01:27:03.000 Yeah, he's gone everywhere.

01:27:04.000 Who's telling me about that recently?

01:27:06.000 I love this dude.

01:27:06.000 I'm so excited.

01:27:07.000 I can't wait to have this guy on. 0.97

01:27:09.000 I'm fucking so fired up. 0.97

01:27:10.000 He's been everywhere. 0.98

01:27:11.000 He was just in Beirut and he travels all over the world, the darkest parts of the world. 0.97

01:27:15.000 He says he has to get new passports all the time because he brings his passport and they go, what the fuck, Iraq, Afghanistan, like what are you doing? 0.91

01:27:21.000 And he's like, oh, I'm a reporter. 0.97

01:27:23.000 And they're like, for what?

01:27:24.000 He's like, VBS? And they're like, CBS? He's like, no, VBS. Like, the fuck is VBS? So whenever he goes somewhere dark, he just gets a new passport.

01:27:31.000 You're better off.

01:27:32.000 Jason Tebow is telling me about his one in North Korea and how crazy North Korea is. 0.65

01:27:38.000 Yeah, well, he said he's got some North Korea.

01:27:39.000 He said NK slave footage.

01:27:41.000 I didn't even know what that meant.

01:27:42.000 But then the internet schooled me.

01:27:43.000 North Korea douche.

01:27:45.000 And I was like, oh yeah.

01:27:46.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:27:46.000 People are like, you seriously?

01:27:47.000 And they don't know what it is.

01:27:49.000 I didn't know.

01:27:50.000 I started trying to think of what that meant.

01:27:51.000 I never associated North Korea with slaves for some reason.

01:27:54.000 I didn't think that there would be slaves.

01:27:56.000 Dude, I guarantee that happens more and more and more.

01:27:59.000 Yeah, communism, you know?

01:28:00.000 You know, and that's the whole thing about, you know, this whole free trade where they move these businesses over to these third worlds.

01:28:05.000 Take your phone off the table.

01:28:07.000 Everybody...

01:28:07.000 Brian, take your phone off the table.

01:28:08.000 Everybody keeps, you know, lowering, lowering prices.

01:28:11.000 Eventually, the labor is going to be to the point where they don't even want to pay for labor to keep the prices so low.

01:28:16.000 Right.

01:28:16.000 Slavery is going to happen.

01:28:17.000 Well, I mean, you know, look, we're willing to do that to dolphins.

01:28:20.000 Why not Chinese people? 0.99

01:28:22.000 I don't understand them either.

01:28:23.000 That's really how people look.

01:28:25.000 Dude, if you ever go to China, you'll have the best time ever. 1.00

01:28:28.000 China is the shit, dude. 1.00

01:28:29.000 What'd you do in China? 1.00

01:28:30.000 I did stand-up.

01:28:31.000 Really?

01:28:32.000 Yeah, it was the best time.

01:28:33.000 Me and Steve Byrne, or Steve Byrne and I, we went to Beijing, Shanghai.

01:28:38.000 Loved it, dude.

01:28:39.000 Who did you perform to?

01:28:40.000 Americans?

01:28:41.000 Expats.

01:28:42.000 How many people were in the crowd?

01:28:43.000 Different shows or different size.

01:28:45.000 Is all white people in the crowd or just some Chinese people?

01:28:47.000 Everything.

01:28:48.000 Really everything.

01:28:48.000 What was the percentage of white people to Chinese people?

01:28:50.000 Well at our shows it was very high.

01:28:52.000 It was like...

01:28:53.000 Mostly white people?

01:28:54.000 It was like 80% white.

01:28:55.000 Wow.

01:28:56.000 You know, but it was amazing.

01:28:59.000 Really?

01:28:59.000 I had such great time.

01:29:01.000 Nicest people ever.

01:29:02.000 Chinese are the nicest people ever.

01:29:05.000 Really?

01:29:06.000 And you know, and I just learned.

01:29:07.000 It's like everybody's the same.

01:29:09.000 It's just you got governments and they're fighting with each other over resources.

01:29:13.000 Yeah, the resources problem in China is really a problem.

01:29:18.000 That's a funny thing, that whole factory thing in China.

01:29:22.000 We had a thing on the podcast where I was trying to figure out, is there a karma-free cell phone?

01:29:27.000 Is there a cell phone that I can get where I don't feel bad about owning it?

01:29:31.000 Turns out there's not.

01:29:33.000 Why do you feel bad about owning it? 0.98

01:29:34.000 I feel bad that someone has to make fucking 15 cents an hour to make something. 0.98

01:29:38.000 Yeah, that is hard. 0.97

01:29:38.000 I said that they should have an iPhone called the iKarma, and the iKarma is made in America, and they pay the people a real wage. 0.97

01:29:47.000 And you could pay more for it.

01:29:48.000 And it costs twice as much.

01:29:49.000 Yeah, and it costs twice as much. 1.00

01:29:50.000 And a lot of people are like, fuck you, douche. 1.00

01:29:52.000 I can barely afford my phone now. 1.00

01:29:53.000 You fucking got some money. 0.99

01:29:54.000 That's not what I'm saying, dude. 1.00

01:29:55.000 I'm not talking about you.

01:29:56.000 I'm not judging you, but I'm saying it would be nice for me if I knew that this was made by people who were paid for their labor a really fair price so that they could afford to go on vacation, so they could afford to live in a nice place, so they could afford to have food. 0.97

01:30:13.000 I think if you fucking work all day, you should not have issues. 0.92

01:30:17.000 You should not have issues like, you know, I'm homeless. 1.00

01:30:19.000 You should not have issues like, oh, I can't afford health insurance.

01:30:23.000 If you're working all day, your day should be worth something.

01:30:27.000 Well, and that's why I think the whole thing is going to collapse, because not just in America, but around the world, because here you're taking these jobs from here, where you're paying a living wage, and you're taking over here, and you're not paying a living wage.

01:30:38.000 You're paying next to nothing.

01:30:40.000 So the people over here can't buy anything, and now the people over here can't buy anything.

01:30:43.000 So who's going to buy the goods?

01:30:45.000 Well, the real question is, yeah, who can buy it?

01:30:47.000 But the real question is, how can you compete?

01:30:50.000 How can you make something in this country?

01:30:51.000 That's what tariffs are for, and that's why the administration just signed three new huge free trade agreements.

01:30:57.000 They say they are as big as NAFTA, and they're going around a job-creating bill, and you just sign that free trade thing. 0.79

01:31:04.000 We're screwed, man.

01:31:05.000 Yeah, and stuff like that is where people really get the motivation. 0.97

01:31:09.000 That's the inspiration to think that this is a rigged system.

01:31:15.000 To think that this is some sort of Illuminati plan to slowly crash the economy.

01:31:19.000 Things like that.

01:31:20.000 Free trade agreements. 0.99

01:31:21.000 But I think it's just a fucking money grab. 1.00

01:31:23.000 It's just greedy cunts. 1.00

01:31:24.000 It's stock market stuff. 1.00

01:31:26.000 Corporations and greedy cunts. 1.00

01:31:27.000 And the problem is the corporations, they found out that the, you know, the Chinese and all these different industrious nations all around the world are willing to work harder, longer hours for less money, and then thus they can produce shit cheaper. 1.00

01:31:41.000 And because they found out that, it's like, they're like, well, we have to compete.

01:31:45.000 You know, if you want these American jobs, you know, our whole business is going to go under unless you move at least our factories over there.

01:31:52.000 And they go, okay, okay, move your factories over there, but sell your Nikes over here. 1.00

01:31:56.000 You know, you gotta have some Nike employees over here, but, you know.

01:31:59.000 Right, 100%.

01:32:00.000 And over there, it's like, I guess the stuff's cheaper to sell in terms of, like, you know, what Chinese are buying the same goods as us.

01:32:09.000 We pay way more because we supposedly have a higher standard of living.

01:32:12.000 But eventually, that's gonna have to go down too, right?

01:32:15.000 I mean, if we're not having those jobs, and we're all working at Walmart, making like $7 an hour, we can't afford to buy a, you know, $150 phone or something like that. 0.98

01:32:23.000 Did you eat any wacky shit when you were in China? 1.00

01:32:25.000 Did you eat any bugs or anything? 1.00

01:32:26.000 No, they had squirrel at one of the restaurants.

01:32:30.000 I just didn't want to eat it.

01:32:31.000 Do you have any Chinese chicks? 0.98

01:32:33.000 What's that?

01:32:33.000 Did you sleep with any of them?

01:32:35.000 No, I banged an Israeli chick. 1.00

01:32:37.000 In China? 0.98

01:32:38.000 Yeah, great.

01:32:40.000 In China, huh?

01:32:41.000 Yeah.

01:32:42.000 What was she doing over there? 0.92

01:32:43.000 She was working for some company, and she had a business over there.

01:32:51.000 People go over there.

01:32:52.000 It's like the Wild West.

01:32:53.000 They're moving there.

01:32:54.000 They're trying to set up businesses.

01:32:56.000 It's awesome, though, man.

01:32:58.000 But what they did in China, someone was just telling me.

01:33:00.000 I think there's something badass about that.

01:33:02.000 But moving to another country...

01:33:04.000 It's wild west, bro.

01:33:04.000 Well, it's like your reality just completely shifted.

01:33:07.000 You know, even moving to fucking Hawaii is kind of crazy, you know? 0.99

01:33:10.000 But goddamn, man, moving to China? 0.99

01:33:13.000 Dude, I had the best time. 1.00

01:33:15.000 And the driving is crazy.

01:33:17.000 They'll turn anything into a car. 1.00

01:33:21.000 They're totally racist, the Chinese. 1.00

01:33:23.000 They don't give a shit. 1.00

01:33:24.000 They're totally racist. 1.00

01:33:26.000 When I was there, I had a full beard...

01:33:28.000 I look Middle Eastern. 0.86

01:33:30.000 They don't like Middle Easterns because they think they're all drug dealers there.

01:33:32.000 So I couldn't get a car sometimes, a taxi.

01:33:35.000 So the only guy that would pick us up one time was this dude who drove what looked like they took a hot dog vending machine and turned it into a car.

01:33:44.000 And it literally had like the most jankiest, like shift-changing device.

01:33:48.000 And you'll never scream more in your life like a little girl than when you drive through China, through Beijing or Shanghai because they don't follow the lights. 0.95

01:33:57.000 I've seen so many Chinese traffic accidents online.

01:34:00.000 You don't have to convince me.

01:34:01.000 I've seen people get run over by cars in China.

01:34:03.000 Oh, what about that little girl?

01:34:05.000 I couldn't watch it.

01:34:07.000 I couldn't watch it.

01:34:08.000 It just makes me sad.

01:34:10.000 That's an overpopulation thing, man.

01:34:11.000 It's just like they've done population density studies on rats, and the same thing happens.

01:34:15.000 You get too many of them in one place, and they devalue each other.

01:34:18.000 That's what's going on, man. 0.99

01:34:20.000 You can't jam that many fucking human beings into one spot and expect everybody to think that everybody's precious. 0.99

01:34:24.000 Because these precious things are in my fucking way. 0.99

01:34:27.000 So no one cares, man. 0.99

01:34:28.000 Yeah, I remember reading that in college, man.

01:34:32.000 They started running in gangs.

01:34:34.000 It got really shady. 1.00

01:34:38.000 Rats just with mental problems. 1.00

01:34:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:41.000 Yeah, some of them huddle in the corner.

01:34:43.000 The rats, they would huddle in the corner and just rock themselves back and forth, back and forth. 0.77

01:34:47.000 Just going nuts, man. 1.00

01:34:48.000 You know, you look at some human behavior and you've got to go, God damn, how the fuck can we ever prevent this? 1.00

01:34:54.000 What the hell happened here? 0.99

01:34:56.000 What is this discovery? 0.97

01:34:58.000 I tweeted this video about this woman who was a pioneer in scat porn. 1.00

01:35:05.000 It's rough.

01:35:06.000 And if you read my tweets, read it, but don't click on the link.

01:35:10.000 There's a link.

01:35:10.000 She's a pioneer by choice?

01:35:12.000 Yes, yes, yes.

01:35:13.000 She's one of the first.

01:35:15.000 Well, she's an expert at it.

01:35:17.000 That's what she does. 1.00

01:35:18.000 But she eats shit. 1.00

01:35:19.000 She eats it and swallows it. 1.00

01:35:20.000 And she was talking about how she loves being stuffed with shit. 1.00

01:35:24.000 Dude, it's dark. 1.00

01:35:26.000 No.

01:35:26.000 Like, I want to interview those people.

01:35:29.000 She's in German.

01:35:29.000 She speaks German.

01:35:31.000 I would love to interview those people.

01:35:33.000 Dude, she has a website. 0.89

01:35:34.000 Somebody tweeted the website, so I retweeted it.

01:35:36.000 If you see the retweet, don't click it.

01:35:38.000 I'm telling you right now, don't do it. 1.00

01:35:40.000 Because this woman is just smeared in shit in these videos. 1.00

01:35:43.000 And she has people shit in her mouth, and she chews it and swallows it. 1.00

01:35:46.000 And they asked her, how much shit do you think you've eaten over the course of your life? 1.00

01:35:50.000 She's like, oh, several bathtubs full. 1.00

01:35:53.000 Well, what about the guy who used to go on Sterner to get thrown up on?

01:35:56.000 That's nothing, dude. 1.00

01:35:57.000 See, this bitch is eating bathtubs full of human shit. 1.00

01:36:01.000 Someone likes to get thrown up on him? 1.00

01:36:02.000 Is that worse to you, then?

01:36:04.000 Yeah.

01:36:04.000 Way worse.

01:36:05.000 Shit's worse than throw up? 1.00

01:36:06.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:36:07.000 They're both equally bad. 1.00

01:36:09.000 No. 1.00

01:36:10.000 Shit's way worse than throw up. 1.00

01:36:11.000 When we did Opie and Anthony, we were there for the infamous Baby Bird. 1.00

01:36:15.000 It was me and Ari were there.

01:36:16.000 You weren't there for Baby Bird.

01:36:17.000 When the guy threw up at the guy's mouth. 1.00

01:36:18.000 This fucking dude... 1.00

01:36:20.000 I forget his name. 1.00

01:36:21.000 That's right there, bro.

01:36:23.000 Pat from Wynaki.

01:36:24.000 No, not Pat.

01:36:25.000 Yeah, Pat from Wynaki, but the other guy.

01:36:26.000 Smith. 0.99

01:36:27.000 What the fuck's his name? 1.00

01:36:29.000 Pat Duffy. 1.00

01:36:30.000 Pat Duffy was the other guy who let them throw up in his mouth.

01:36:34.000 So there was an eggnog eating contest, and I don't remember how many shots he had, but it was something insane.

01:36:40.000 Almost a gallon.

01:36:41.000 I think the human body can only have a gallon of milk or two gallons.

01:36:45.000 It was like 70 shots or something like that.

01:36:46.000 Oh, that is horrible.

01:36:47.000 Something insane.

01:36:48.000 So anyway, he does that and then we were trying to figure out what to do because he knew he was going to throw up.

01:36:53.000 And then we suggested that one of the interns lean his head over the dumpster, over the garbage bucket and open his mouth and let the dude throw up in his mouth like a baby bird feeding him.

01:37:03.000 Getting fed by his blood.

01:37:05.000 That guy's now, where is he?

01:37:07.000 Where is that guy right now?

01:37:08.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:37:08.000 He did a bunch of other shit too. 1.00

01:37:09.000 He brushed his teeth with dog shit. 1.00

01:37:12.000 You're all in in that Opie and Anthony world at that point. 1.00

01:37:16.000 That's where you're going to be working. 1.00

01:37:19.000 It's like the girl who got shit on. 0.99

01:37:20.000 It's going to be hard for her. 1.00

01:37:22.000 She didn't choose to get shit on. 1.00

01:37:24.000 Yeah, but she's still going to be the girl he got shit on. 1.00

01:37:26.000 That's why it's so tragic. 0.99

01:37:27.000 But you know what I'm saying?

01:37:27.000 It's not the same as this Pat Duffy guy.

01:37:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:37:29.000 This guy is crazy. 0.99

01:37:30.000 I'm with you. 1.00

01:37:31.000 That's crazy.

01:37:31.000 Where do you go if you're Pat Duffy?

01:37:33.000 Well, there's those guys out there, man.

01:37:34.000 There's those guys out there that will rhyme to me. 1.00

01:37:36.000 Poop me on fucking Fear Factor, bro. 1.00

01:37:37.000 Eat anything. 1.00

01:37:38.000 You know, there's a few of those guys that just, they're willing to do it. 0.99

01:37:40.000 Look, jackass guys. 0.95

01:37:42.000 They're willing to do anything for the joke, you know? 1.00

01:37:44.000 Dude, fucking Johnny Knoxville stood in front of a bull with a blindfold on. 0.99

01:37:47.000 He really did. 1.00

01:37:48.000 He really did that. 1.00

01:37:49.000 He's a goddamn movie star. 1.00

01:37:50.000 Okay, he was in a movie with The Rock. 1.00

01:37:52.000 This guy stood in front of a bull with a blindfold on and let that bull launch him through the air like a sheet.

01:37:58.000 Steve-O did the last movie completely sober because I knew back in the day they were popping vikes and just bang killers so they couldn't feel.

01:38:05.000 He did this one completely sober. 1.00

01:38:07.000 I'm like, that's some crazy ass shit, man. 1.00

01:38:11.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:38:11.000 It's horrible. 1.00

01:38:12.000 Yeah.

01:38:12.000 And then he broke his nose on the roast.

01:38:15.000 Yeah, he ran into Mike Tyson's fist.

01:38:17.000 He's the nicest guy, man.

01:38:18.000 I just feel like...

01:38:19.000 What is that about?

01:38:21.000 That's his thing?

01:38:22.000 To let Mike Tyson break his nose?

01:38:23.000 Well, his whole thing is he does stunts.

01:38:26.000 That's not a stunt, dude.

01:38:27.000 A stunt is like...

01:38:28.000 It's like cutting yourself with Mike Tyson's fist.

01:38:29.000 Yeah, you jump a motorcycle and you land it and everybody cheers.

01:38:33.000 That's not a stunt.

01:38:34.000 That's like saying, "I'm going to drive my motorcycle into a wall." It's a stunt.

01:38:38.000 That's not a stunt.

01:38:39.000 You're crashing.

01:38:40.000 You're hurting yourself on purpose.

01:38:41.000 I've done that.

01:38:42.000 You have?

01:38:43.000 Yeah, on my Spike show.

01:38:44.000 Oh, that's right.

01:38:45.000 I've been driving.

01:38:46.000 That was a fun show, right?

01:38:47.000 It was you, Kit Cope, and Ellis?

01:38:48.000 Yeah, Jason Ellis.

01:38:50.000 What did you guys do? 1.00

01:38:50.000 Just did wacky, jackass-type shit? 1.00

01:38:54.000 Well, yeah. 1.00

01:38:55.000 I mean, later on, because I never really watched Jackass, but later on I watched the show, I'm like, oh, they got that from that.

01:39:01.000 It was kind of like Tosh.0 meets Jackass.

01:39:04.000 That was the premise of the show. 1.00

01:39:07.000 Yeah, I did some crazy shit, man. 0.99

01:39:09.000 The worst thing was we had to make a sandwich. 0.99

01:39:13.000 Why the other guys were like...

01:39:15.000 Eight feet away with paintball guns and we had nothing on and we were just getting shot by paintball guns.

01:39:21.000 And I would feel bad and I would like do it slowly. 0.99

01:39:24.000 Those guys didn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:39:26.000 They were vicious. 1.00

01:39:27.000 They were savage.

01:39:28.000 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. 0.87

01:39:29.000 I'm getting nailed.

01:39:30.000 It was the first time I wanted to quit the show.

01:39:32.000 I was like, I'm done, dude. 1.00

01:39:33.000 Fuck this show. 1.00

01:39:34.000 I never want to do this. 1.00

01:39:35.000 I didn't even know we were doing stunts on the show. 0.98

01:39:38.000 I just thought I got hired to talk shit about videos. 0.99

01:39:41.000 And that's what I'm good at. 0.96

01:39:42.000 When did the stunts become a part of the show?

01:39:45.000 Well, the next day, I show up, they're like, okay, you got the gig.

01:39:49.000 I'm like, oh, cool, that's great. 0.99

01:39:51.000 Fuck, I got to show on Spike. 0.99

01:39:52.000 I show up, they go, here's what you're going to be doing. 1.00

01:39:54.000 I'm like, what?

01:39:55.000 Because they didn't ever mention that in the audition, and I got it through going with Steve Byrne.

01:40:00.000 He never mentioned that.

01:40:02.000 And you can't say no.

01:40:03.000 Well, yeah, I need to get on television at that point. 1.00

01:40:05.000 You know, so it's like, fuck it. 1.00

01:40:07.000 That's how you felt? 1.00

01:40:07.000 You felt like you had to say yes, right? 1.00

01:40:09.000 Yeah.

01:40:10.000 You're too close.

01:40:10.000 I loved Spike.

01:40:12.000 It was a cool channel.

01:40:13.000 Yeah, but you didn't want to do it, right?

01:40:14.000 You didn't want to do it.

01:40:15.000 You didn't think that's what you were going to do. 0.99

01:40:16.000 But once you got there, you're like, God damn it. 0.99

01:40:19.000 Yep. 0.99

01:40:20.000 Wow.

01:40:21.000 Yep.

01:40:22.000 I was headlining clubs when I got it.

01:40:24.000 Did it make a big difference?

01:40:25.000 It did. 0.98

01:40:26.000 Clubs and shit like that? 0.88

01:40:27.000 Yeah, I was headlining clubs. 0.52

01:40:29.000 So did you ever try to do something else like that again?

01:40:31.000 I would never do a stunt show again.

01:40:33.000 Really?

01:40:33.000 Yeah.

01:40:34.000 So when it was canceled, you were happy?

01:40:36.000 Even though you were off TV, you were happy?

01:40:38.000 No, I wasn't happy.

01:40:40.000 So you would do it again?

01:40:41.000 No, no.

01:40:42.000 If they continued, then I would have done it, but I wouldn't do it.

01:40:46.000 Now, if they call me back, hey, we're going to do another show, I wouldn't do it.

01:40:49.000 Have you seen shock fights?

01:40:51.000 Jason Ellis' thing?

01:40:52.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:40:53.000 This is some shit. 1.00

01:40:54.000 I don't know where the fuck it's happening. 1.00

01:40:55.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:40:55.000 It looks like it's in Cuba. 0.99

01:40:56.000 I don't know who came up with this, but there's these guys in a ring, and they have fucking fists. 0.98

01:41:01.000 They have things on their fists that are electrocuting each other, like tasers on their knuckles, but they're punching each other with tasers. 0.98

01:41:08.000 That's awesome. 0.99

01:41:08.000 A guy knocks a guy out with a fucking taser on his hand. 0.99

01:41:11.000 That's badass. 1.00

01:41:12.000 They're throwing kicks and they're stopping each other on the ground.

01:41:14.000 See what Ellis does?

01:41:15.000 Yeah, he wears dog collars.

01:41:16.000 And he has the crowd just...

01:41:18.000 Yeah, zaps him.

01:41:19.000 That's just...

01:41:19.000 Oh, man.

01:41:20.000 He's willing to do some stuff that I don't understand.

01:41:23.000 But this shock fights is like, man, how far are we from throwing a dude with a sword into an arena with a lion?

01:41:30.000 How far away is that?

01:41:31.000 I'm sure in third world countries it's going to happen sooner than you think. 1.00

01:41:34.000 Because there was a thing where a guy was going to have a fucking sword fight. 0.98

01:41:39.000 I think, was a guy going to fight a lion? 0.99

01:41:42.000 It was a Greek guy or something like that?

01:41:44.000 I forget what the whole story was.

01:41:45.000 But I remember this thing.

01:41:47.000 It was either a sword fight or he was going to fight a wild animal or something like that.

01:41:50.000 But I remember thinking, like, okay, this is how it starts.

01:41:53.000 Because it starts where people hear about it on the internet, and then they go, oh, okay.

01:41:58.000 And then somewhere, wherever the fuck it is, where life's not that expensive, hi, Tijuana, you know, somewhere along those lines, they set up an arena, and they just say, well, instead of bullfights, now we're going to have people wearing armor, and they're going to fight lions. 0.96

01:42:09.000 And I'm rooting for the lion every time. 0.98

01:42:11.000 Wow, maybe.

01:42:13.000 How do you not root for the lion? 0.99

01:42:14.000 Maybe the guy has children he can't feed, and he's fucking willing to get in there with the lion. 0.97

01:42:17.000 But the lion has no choice in being there. 0.98

01:42:20.000 I mean, the guy has a choice, but I still root for the person.

01:42:22.000 I'm rooting for the lion. 1.00

01:42:23.000 I'm on team people, bitch! 1.00

01:42:24.000 I'm on team lion, bro. 1.00

01:42:26.000 Really?

01:42:26.000 I have to, man.

01:42:27.000 The lion's not choosing to be there. 0.98

01:42:29.000 He's not, but he's going to kill the person.

01:42:31.000 It's not like the person...

01:42:31.000 Well, how's that any different than the killer whale?

01:42:34.000 Lions are dumb. 1.00

01:42:35.000 Lions aren't smart. 1.00

01:42:37.000 It's not that much different, but lions are just fucking there to remove shit. 1.00

01:42:42.000 So it's mental capacity and whether it's going to be a crime or not? 0.99

01:42:45.000 Not only that, I feel like lions are part of our domain.

01:42:49.000 Whereas killer whales, we have to go into their world and pull them out of their world.

01:42:52.000 They don't interact with us on a regular basis unless we get on boats and enter into their world. 1.00

01:42:57.000 Lions, on the other hand, you're in Africa. 0.96

01:43:00.000 A friend of mine was in Africa, and while he was there, some guy got killed.

01:43:05.000 It came into the camp.

01:43:07.000 It came into the camp. 1.00

01:43:09.000 The lion came into the camp while the dude was in the fucking shower and dragged him out of the shower. 0.99

01:43:13.000 Two female lions. 1.00

01:43:16.000 Right.

01:43:17.000 What? 1.00

01:43:17.000 So lions can suck my dick, okay? 1.00

01:43:19.000 Lions can go fuck themselves. 1.00

01:43:21.000 But there's a killer whale, like guys surfing, kill whale comes up and whoops some ass. 1.00

01:43:24.000 No, they don't. 0.99

01:43:24.000 They don't. 0.99

01:43:25.000 No one's been killed by a killer whale.

01:43:27.000 Not only that, not only that, they help people.

01:43:30.000 They've actually saved people when they're drowning.

01:43:33.000 Killer whales aren't sharks.

01:43:34.000 If it's sharks, I can see your point. 1.00

01:43:35.000 Sharks can suck my dick. 1.00

01:43:36.000 You can take a shark and throw it in a fish tank all day long. 1.00

01:43:38.000 I don't have a feeling for a shark.

01:43:39.000 But killer whales are super intelligent. 0.92

01:43:41.000 And they save people.

01:43:43.000 But I think that when you're...

01:43:45.000 I'm not saying you should have Christians versus the lions. 0.99

01:43:48.000 I'm not saying you should fucking arm dudes and send them in and have a sword fight with the lions. 1.00

01:43:52.000 But I am saying if it goes down, I'm rooting for the fucking person. 1.00

01:43:55.000 I think, I want to know, can you kill a lion with a sword? 1.00

01:43:58.000 Can you be armored up and kill a fucking lion with nothing but a sword? 1.00

01:44:01.000 And if that guy can do it, good for him, man. 1.00

01:44:03.000 You might not be able to.

01:44:05.000 You might not be able to.

01:44:06.000 A lion might just jack you every time.

01:44:07.000 If you want two dudes from death row fighting to the death, I'm fine with that.

01:44:11.000 Really?

01:44:12.000 Just fighting an animal?

01:44:14.000 I just don't, you know, it's like, I get like...

01:44:16.000 Well, I don't think you should do it.

01:44:18.000 But if you do do it, I'm rooting for the person.

01:44:20.000 Alright, and then we'll put 20 bucks and I'm always going for the lion.

01:44:24.000 Really?

01:44:24.000 Yeah, I'm always going for the lion too.

01:44:26.000 Why is that, Brian?

01:44:27.000 Same exact reasons.

01:44:28.000 Hmm.

01:44:29.000 But what if you found out the guy was, like, super poor?

01:44:31.000 Do you have a black eye, Brian?

01:44:32.000 No, I just no sleep.

01:44:34.000 Why is it black? 0.99

01:44:35.000 It looks under that thing like you just got rocked in your eyeball. 0.64

01:44:38.000 That's the hiv. 0.58

01:44:39.000 It's coming out of his eyeballs.

01:44:40.000 Yeah, it's coming out.

01:44:41.000 It's all right, dude.

01:44:42.000 You had fun while I last...

01:44:43.000 Yeah, but I agree with Sam on that.

01:44:45.000 I think even if they showed me the story of this poor, sad guy, he has a choice. 0.99

01:44:50.000 Yeah, he has a choice to fuck that lion up, but I'm rooting for him. 0.96

01:44:53.000 And we might not interfere with whales because we haven't moved there yet, but if you went back, Thousands, thousands of years, we're in lion territory right now. 0.99

01:45:04.000 Sort of.

01:45:04.000 I mean, there were some sort of big cats here.

01:45:06.000 Sabertooth tigers, I think.

01:45:07.000 Yeah.

01:45:07.000 I don't think there was lions.

01:45:08.000 Well, actually, there was. 0.96

01:45:09.000 There was a North American lion a long, long fucking time ago. 0.87

01:45:12.000 Now, if a man's walking through a jungle and a lion comes, I'm rooting for the guy. 0.97

01:45:16.000 Okay.

01:45:17.000 I'm rooting for the guy.

01:45:18.000 But when you grab the lion, you have very specific rules.

01:45:20.000 Yeah, if you're forcing a lion to be there with no choice...

01:45:24.000 Where it's not naturally going to be there and it could die because you're trying to make 20. It's like why people didn't like dog fighting.

01:45:31.000 It's like, you know, especially when you have a dog.

01:45:34.000 Like I said, dude, I'm not saying you should do it.

01:45:36.000 But I'm saying if you do do it, I'm going to root for you. 0.91

01:45:37.000 I'll smack an animal though. 0.98

01:45:39.000 Not hurt it though. 0.98

01:45:40.000 Just like a little smack.

01:45:41.000 Well, you got discipline.

01:45:42.000 Your dog. 0.91

01:45:42.000 Will you slap a hippo? 0.91

01:45:44.000 Did you see that woman has like a hippo for a pet? 1.00

01:45:47.000 Oh my god.

01:45:47.000 Yeah.

01:45:48.000 I read some article on it.

01:45:49.000 She has a hippo for a pet.

01:45:50.000 It's going to come and get you.

01:45:52.000 It's eventually going to turn on you.

01:45:53.000 Is it a male?

01:45:54.000 I didn't read whether it was a male.

01:45:56.000 Maybe if it's a female, she can keep it together for a little while. 1.00

01:45:59.000 If it's a male, it's going to be biting people in half. 0.98

01:46:01.000 They bite crocodiles in half, dude. 0.98

01:46:03.000 Yep, I'm not going to say it.

01:46:05.000 100%.

01:46:05.000 I'm not going to say it, dude.

01:46:07.000 What happened, Sam?

01:46:08.000 Why is this 100%?

01:46:09.000 I don't know, man.

01:46:10.000 I'm just agreeing with you.

01:46:11.000 What'd you get on your test, Sammy?

01:46:13.000 100%.

01:46:13.000 You A-plus student.

01:46:15.000 No, far from it.

01:46:15.000 So this weekend, you're in La Jolla.

01:46:17.000 If people want to go see you at the comedy store in La Jolla, who do you work with down there?

01:46:20.000 I'm working with Steve Simone.

01:46:23.000 Ah, beautiful.

01:46:24.000 Yeah, and Tony Hinchcliffe.

01:46:26.000 Hey, guys.

01:46:27.000 They just had a couple gigs fall out.

01:46:29.000 I was supposed to be in sale, but then I'm going to be December 1st.

01:46:32.000 We're going to have the Naughty Show at the Comedy Store.

01:46:34.000 Powerful.

01:46:35.000 Think Joe Rogan should make a return?

01:46:37.000 Can't go.

01:46:37.000 Sorry.

01:46:38.000 We can do it! 1.00

01:46:39.000 Good luck in Satan's asshole. 1.00

01:46:40.000 You can do it! 1.00

01:46:41.000 Yeah, I could do it, but I'm not going to.

01:46:43.000 Good luck.

01:46:43.000 You won.

01:46:44.000 I don't ever need to go back to that place.

01:46:46.000 You don't.

01:46:46.000 There's no win contest.

01:46:48.000 What won is the art form of comedy won, but the comedy store absolutely fucking picked the wrong side. 1.00

01:46:55.000 So they can go fuck themselves forever. 1.00

01:46:57.000 They're all fucked up. 1.00

01:46:58.000 Like the Laugh Factory, that place is... 1.00

01:47:01.000 You have a problem with that place?

01:47:02.000 Oh, 100%.

01:47:03.000 They're doing naughty comedy now.

01:47:04.000 The improv's awesome.

01:47:06.000 I love the improv.

01:47:06.000 When I started going over the improv, I felt like it was better for my act anyway.

01:47:10.000 I feel like the comedy store is so dark and angry that I think a lot of that shaped my material.

01:47:14.000 It's changed, bro.

01:47:15.000 Has it really?

01:47:16.000 And I don't mean that to be like, it's different.

01:47:18.000 It's not like...

01:47:19.000 You leaving, it changed.

01:47:21.000 Really?

01:47:22.000 Yeah, now it's much like...

01:47:24.000 More depressing.

01:47:25.000 Yeah, I mean like it's not the same as it used to be.

01:47:29.000 What was it like?

01:47:29.000 What's the difference?

01:47:31.000 I think it's like the acts aren't, you know, I used to watch, you know, monsters on stage and just guys who were like, fuck, man, I don't see that as much anymore.

01:47:42.000 It's not what it used to be.

01:47:43.000 There's a couple young guys I think are bringing it, but it's not, you know, it's like now it's TV credit land.

01:47:50.000 How did it make that change?

01:47:55.000 I don't know, man.

01:47:56.000 I think it's weird how they use the same people over and over again.

01:48:00.000 Well, that was something that changed, too.

01:48:02.000 But now they've definitely opened the door.

01:48:05.000 It just seems like I've gone there on some nights where these people are in the main room at 8 o'clock on a Wednesday or Thursday or whatever. 0.95

01:48:12.000 And I was like, this person sucks so bad, he shouldn't even be in the belly room. 0.98

01:48:15.000 He's in the main stage? 1.00

01:48:17.000 Really?

01:48:17.000 The problem is that...

01:48:18.000 What made that place great, and it was never perfect, but what made it great was that you could be somebody who was an unknown and you could get up on stage there and start honing your craft.

01:48:30.000 Those days are done.

01:48:31.000 There's certain things going on there where apparently if you're on Chelsea lately...

01:48:36.000 You know, that's a sign that you've arrived, and you see a lot of people who do that panel now in the lineup, and that's a great show, and she's done great for blowing up some of my friends, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're going to crush in that OR, which has its own voodoo, you know?

01:48:52.000 Well, there's nothing wrong with putting people that are coming up, but you've got to put them in between some really good talent, and the problem is they have some talent that really doesn't work anywhere else.

01:49:01.000 They have some people there that can't get spots anywhere, but they're grandfathered in somehow, and they've got jokes that are literally 30 years old. 0.96

01:49:09.000 I mean, there's some people that tell some jokes, and you haven't seen them in a decade, and then they'll go through, they act the same fucking way. 0.98

01:49:15.000 And you know they don't get that many spots, because there's a gang of them, so they don't put them up every week, but they'll put them up every few weeks, or every three or four weeks, and you would sit there, and you'd see them, and some of them would be bitter and shit, and thinking there's something wrong with these young kids, and they suck, and our generation was better, and you're like, God, you're not even really a fucking comedian. 0.98

01:49:36.000 Do you understand this? 0.98

01:49:37.000 Yeah, I do see that.

01:49:38.000 I see that a lot.

01:49:39.000 It's so weird, too.

01:49:40.000 Like, all the waitresses.

01:49:41.000 It used to be waitresses. 1.00

01:49:42.000 You know, only girls. 0.99

01:49:43.000 Waitresses.

01:49:44.000 Now there's girls and guys.

01:49:45.000 It's just like the whole thing is different now.

01:49:47.000 But the waitresses are hot, dude. 1.00

01:49:49.000 The gay guys want some candy, too. 0.98

01:49:50.000 They want some candy, too, bro. 1.00

01:49:52.000 Gay guys want candy. 1.00

01:49:53.000 Yeah, why don't you have gay guys have waiters while you can look at the waitress? 1.00

01:49:57.000 Do you have to fuck them all, Brian? 1.00

01:49:58.000 Yes. 1.00

01:49:59.000 Brian, have you tried to fuck any of the waitresses? 1.00

01:50:01.000 Not yet. 0.99

01:50:02.000 Brian is in a committed relationship sort of kind of right now.

01:50:04.000 How's that going?

01:50:05.000 Good.

01:50:07.000 Is it all working out?

01:50:09.000 She's a very nice girl.

01:50:11.000 She's a very nice girl.

01:50:13.000 I have not even been home in two days.

01:50:16.000 Because you're setting up that place?

01:50:18.000 Studio, yeah.

01:50:18.000 For the last three days straight.

01:50:20.000 Why didn't you come and crash at your pad?

01:50:22.000 I crashed up in the studio.

01:50:23.000 You slept there?

01:50:24.000 Why didn't you come over?

01:50:25.000 I took naps there for like an hour or two and then I'd wake up and...

01:50:28.000 Is Jaden Cole back-dooring you?

01:50:30.000 Huh?

01:50:31.000 Is Jaden Cole back-dooring you?

01:50:32.000 Back-dooring.

01:50:33.000 Trying to steal your chick? 0.98

01:50:35.000 Sam Tripoli is so deep, deep in the world of porn. 0.98

01:50:38.000 Yeah.

01:50:38.000 I'm not really.

01:50:39.000 You say the full name as if everybody knows.

01:50:41.000 Well, he knows her.

01:50:42.000 Yeah, he knows, but there's 500,000 people that don't.

01:50:44.000 But you, you're so deep into the world of porn, you just go with it.

01:50:48.000 You just go with it.

01:50:49.000 That's true. 0.90

01:50:50.000 Yeah, who knows more porn stars than you? 0.97

01:50:51.000 You're in that world, bro. 0.96

01:50:52.000 People think I'm the porn whisperer.

01:50:55.000 I'm really not.

01:50:55.000 You're not?

01:50:56.000 I'm not really.

01:50:57.000 You know a lot of them, man.

01:50:58.000 You get them to come on your Naughty Shows all the time.

01:51:00.000 I do know that.

01:51:01.000 And if anybody's never seen the Naughty Show, what's the website?

01:51:03.000 Well, it's coming back up.

01:51:04.000 It's being redesigned right now, but it's thenaughtycomedyshow.com.

01:51:08.000 The best way to get a hold of you is what?

01:51:10.000 Sam Tripoli on Twitter?

01:51:11.000 Twitter, Sam Tripoli on Facebook, or my email.

01:51:15.000 Those are fun shows. 0.97

01:51:17.000 He's got a bunch of really good comedians, but he's also got video clips, and they do games, they fuck around with the audience, and they always have porn stars who do things. 0.96

01:51:27.000 I don't know what they do. 0.76

01:51:27.000 They make appearances. 0.76

01:51:29.000 They show up, and you know what, man?

01:51:32.000 I know it sounds crazy, and they are who they are, but at the end of the day, they're really not that different than comedians.

01:51:38.000 If you really sat down and you had a conversation, you'd be like, wow, that's exactly what comedians do.

01:51:43.000 They just have something that's kind of more taboo in society than guys.

01:51:48.000 Most of them are just straight business people.

01:51:51.000 A lot of them are.

01:51:52.000 Well, that's sort of how they justify doing it, too.

01:51:54.000 They sort of go into this business mode.

01:51:55.000 And that always weirds me out.

01:51:57.000 Like, there's two types of porn stars. 1.00

01:51:58.000 There's like the flighty, doesn't know any better, super hot porn star that just gets work because she's hot. 1.00

01:52:06.000 And then there's this super ambitious career woman porn star. 1.00

01:52:10.000 Yeah, those kind of... 0.94

01:52:12.000 Those kind of get me in a weird way.

01:52:14.000 I'm like, wow, this is a strange animal.

01:52:18.000 This person is working hard to create all this porn and they're real focused. 0.84

01:52:23.000 If you can blow up and you think podcasting is saturated, porn is saturated. 0.99

01:52:29.000 Everybody's a porn star. 0.85

01:52:30.000 Nobody's making money in it. 0.76

01:52:31.000 How many porn stars are there? 0.99

01:52:34.000 One out of seven now, I think.

01:52:37.000 There's more porn stars than comedians in LA. I wouldn't doubt it.

01:52:42.000 Just the camming thing alone, when you find out that...

01:52:44.000 Check this out.

01:52:45.000 I don't know if you knew this.

01:52:46.000 If you're 18 years old and you need money, there is a way to block the whole state you live in.

01:52:52.000 If you live in California, you block California. 0.98

01:52:55.000 And you can block certain cities and then you can cam where you can make like fucking whatever, $5 a minute, $10 a minute. 0.93

01:53:03.000 They have these things where you have like 20 people in the same room and they're all chipping in more and more for you to stay in these rooms. 1.00

01:53:09.000 And these girls are making thousands a night from just sitting on their fucking ass masturbating and doing nothing but that. 1.00

01:53:18.000 It's basically taking advantage of the whole primal, caveman, girl, female relationship. 1.00

01:53:26.000 It's like when you go to a strip club and the stripper makes eye contact. 0.88

01:53:30.000 She does all the stuff That if you're at a normal club, that lets a girl know she's interested in you. 1.00

01:53:36.000 So you make moves.

01:53:36.000 So they do all that.

01:53:37.000 They trick you into all that shit. 1.00

01:53:39.000 And all they want you to do is buy lap dances from them. 1.00

01:53:41.000 Well, that's the weirdest thing about strip clubs is that the roles are reversed.

01:53:44.000 And men who have never been or don't usually go, they don't know how to deal with it.

01:53:48.000 You get there and all of a sudden the women are pursuing you and they're super aggressive about it. 1.00

01:53:52.000 You're like, what?

01:53:52.000 You want to what?

01:53:53.000 You want to dance?

01:53:54.000 So for a lot of guys, they just melt and fall into it.

01:53:57.000 And next thing you know, they're broke.

01:53:58.000 Because the whole dynamic has just been shifted and they don't understand.

01:54:01.000 They haven't built up a resistance for it.

01:54:04.000 They don't have the immune system for a strip club. 1.00

01:54:06.000 You have to have a social immune system.

01:54:08.000 That's the whole thing about the Naughty Show.

01:54:10.000 I like to explore that side of the world.

01:54:13.000 It's not just sexual either.

01:54:15.000 I like the crazier side of life.

01:54:17.000 And just like what makes everybody different and the stuff that everybody does in the shadows, it's like a lot of people are doing it.

01:54:25.000 Why isn't anyone talking about it?

01:54:26.000 I don't like sex out in the open.

01:54:28.000 I don't think porn stars should be like Oscar award winners.

01:54:33.000 I think everybody has their place, but I don't think it's something you should have to be ashamed of where someone finds something out about you And now you're like, the town like...

01:54:42.000 Well, you're just so used to it. 0.59

01:54:43.000 To most men, the last thing they want is evidence that their woman has fucked some other dude. 1.00

01:54:48.000 Not just fucked some other dude, but he went ass-to-mouth on her and shot a load up her nose. 1.00

01:54:51.000 Well, that's a whole different thing. 1.00

01:54:53.000 You're talking about guys who date porn stars?

01:54:58.000 No, I'm just saying that you don't judge them. 1.00

01:55:00.000 If you don't judge them, or if you met a girl and then she wanted a date and you found out that she was a porn star, fuck yeah, you judge her. 0.99

01:55:05.000 Well, that's not what you're into. 0.99

01:55:07.000 Yeah, if you're not into it, you're like, fuck yeah, but that's nothing. 0.99

01:55:09.000 Do you think you could do it? 1.00

01:55:10.000 Could I date a porn star? 0.99

01:55:11.000 It depends on the porn star. 0.99

01:55:13.000 Then what she did. 1.00

01:55:14.000 So stupid hot. 1.00

01:55:16.000 It depends on what she did. 1.00

01:55:17.000 What if she came home smelling like loads?

01:55:19.000 No, then I couldn't do that. 1.00

01:55:21.000 But, you know, he dates a girl who does lesbian porn. 0.99

01:55:24.000 Lesbo stuff's okay, right? 1.00

01:55:25.000 Which is a weird thing.

01:55:27.000 But I could also see where some like Aiden who's married to Belladonna, he's cool with watching her just get... 0.92

01:55:33.000 I don't think she does it anymore, but she's just getting rocked by brothers.

01:55:37.000 I don't think it's ever cool.

01:55:37.000 I think even the guys that say it's not cool is still...

01:55:40.000 I think there's guys who are into that.

01:55:41.000 You mean the guys who say it is cool, it's not cool.

01:55:43.000 There are guys that are into it.

01:55:45.000 I'm not saying everybody's into it.

01:55:46.000 I'm not even saying it's normal.

01:55:48.000 I think people evolve.

01:55:48.000 People evolve, man.

01:55:50.000 And sometimes they just... 1.00

01:55:51.000 Look, when guys go to prison, they all of a sudden develop a desire to fuck men. 1.00

01:55:54.000 Why? 1.00

01:55:55.000 Because they evolve.

01:55:56.000 They adapt. 0.99

01:55:57.000 They adapt to this fucked up environment. 1.00

01:55:59.000 And if the only way you can get a chick like Belladonna is to let black guys come in her ass, you go, alright, let's do this. 1.00

01:56:05.000 Yeah, but that's from your perspective. 1.00

01:56:07.000 I totally understand.

01:56:08.000 But he may be into that.

01:56:10.000 I'm just saying.

01:56:11.000 Could be, yes.

01:56:12.000 But could be that's the only way it's going to work.

01:56:14.000 Cockholding has been around forever.

01:56:16.000 Yeah, it's true too.

01:56:17.000 And there's guys who just enjoy watching their girls get rocked.

01:56:21.000 By monsters! 1.00

01:56:22.000 A buddy of mine said that he met this girl at a party and she was really hot and she was coming on to him and then all of a sudden this dude came over and introduced himself as the husband and the guy's like, oh, what the fuck? 0.99

01:56:32.000 And the guy was like, no, man, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool. 0.99

01:56:34.000 We swing.

01:56:35.000 It's cool, it's cool.

01:56:36.000 And he was like, oh, wow.

01:56:37.000 He goes, if I didn't have a couple drinks with me, I would have never done this.

01:56:39.000 But then the next thing you know, they're in this outside patio and this chick is blowing him while the husband gives instructions. 1.00

01:56:46.000 The husband was giving instructions while his wife is sucking... 1.00

01:56:51.000 Really? 1.00

01:56:52.000 Yeah. 0.78

01:56:52.000 Wow, maybe this guy's black too. 0.78

01:56:54.000 Maybe it's just a thing that happens with black guys and white women and white husbands. 1.00

01:56:57.000 Zorba, this comedian, told me that.

01:56:59.000 The cuck-holding thing, a lot of the issue is black men and white guys. 1.00

01:57:03.000 White guys like black men to fuck their wives. 1.00

01:57:06.000 Because they think it's like this really degrading kind of thing. 1.00

01:57:11.000 Like sexually, they're like, ooh, that's so dirty, you know? 1.00

01:57:14.000 Yeah, he was like saying, okay, make him cum, make him cum, make him cum in your mouth. 1.00

01:57:17.000 And he's like, he goes, part of me just wanted to get up and run away, but it was too late because I was drunk and this girl was already blowing me. 1.00

01:57:22.000 And he goes, and the girl was hot. 1.00

01:57:23.000 If the girl wasn't hot, he would have just given up.

01:57:25.000 But it was just one of those, like, what am I doing? 1.00

01:57:27.000 The guy's like, rub his balls, rub his balls. 1.00

01:57:29.000 And he's like, I got this, dude. 1.00

01:57:30.000 You know, I'm good.

01:57:31.000 We don't need your help.

01:57:32.000 We don't need your help.

01:57:33.000 She can blow me, but you can't talk. 0.99

01:57:35.000 Back when I lived in Vegas, I was at this one casino and they tried to pick me up.

01:57:40.000 They were swingers.

01:57:41.000 They're like, hey, what's up?

01:57:43.000 What's up?

01:57:43.000 This girl's hitting on me.

01:57:44.000 Was she hot? 1.00

01:57:45.000 Yeah, she was Vegas hot. 1.00

01:57:48.000 Dirty. 0.58

01:57:48.000 Yeah. 0.58

01:57:49.000 Slutty. 1.00

01:57:49.000 Back then, I loved that shit. 1.00

01:57:51.000 Well, now I love that shit. 1.00

01:57:52.000 What am I talking about? 1.00

01:57:53.000 Back then, I loved it.

01:57:54.000 I'm not judging it.

01:57:55.000 Now I'm into, like, librarians.

01:57:58.000 I'm into whatever, brother.

01:58:00.000 So, yeah, and I'm like, what are you going to do, coach?

01:58:02.000 Are you going to sit in the corner yelling out plays? 1.00

01:58:04.000 I can handle that shit. 1.00

01:58:06.000 It'd just be weird to hump while somebody else is watching. 1.00

01:58:09.000 You could handle that if a guy was doing that?

01:58:10.000 No, I couldn't.

01:58:11.000 Couldn't, yeah.

01:58:12.000 But I've had threesomes where it's like the devil threesome, where it's like you and your buddy railing a chick. 0.99

01:58:17.000 Yeah, but that's a buddy.

01:58:18.000 That's not a girl's husband, rather. 0.94

01:58:20.000 Yeah, he's not sitting there judging and giving me scores and calling out plays.

01:58:24.000 I just think the moment you come, you would just want to run away so badly.

01:58:29.000 The post-nut syndrome effect would be so hard.

01:58:33.000 The depression that must just set in. 0.99

01:58:36.000 Women will never understand this, but there's many times in a man's life where your dick will convince you that this is what you should be doing. 0.99

01:58:43.000 And then you know that she's kind of gross, or you're kind of gross, or the situation's gross, or she shouldn't be doing it, but somehow you're like, yeah, let's just fucking do this. 0.99

01:58:51.000 And then when you come, the realization that you've been tricked, there's nothing in the world like it. 0.96

01:58:58.000 It's a terrifying feeling.

01:58:59.000 It's like all of a sudden you have woken up in the middle of a reality that you've created while you were under a trance.

01:59:04.000 It's like Quantum Leap?

01:59:05.000 Yeah.

01:59:05.000 You're just like, okay, what's the situation here?

01:59:07.000 What did I just do?

01:59:08.000 Well, it's like you wake up for a...

01:59:10.000 You know, I do a bit about it, how you like...

01:59:11.000 It's like you're...

01:59:12.000 Normally, you're driving your life until you have a hard-on, and then when you have a hard-on, it's like you're sitting in the back seat of a really long bus, and some other dude is driving it.

01:59:20.000 That's what it's like.

01:59:20.000 And you're like, where did we go?

01:59:21.000 What the fuck are we doing? 0.98

01:59:22.000 Where are we going? 0.99

01:59:22.000 And then when you come, all of a sudden, you wake up, and you're at the front of the bus holding the wheel again. 0.99

01:59:26.000 You're like, oh, okay. 0.98

01:59:27.000 Now I've got to get myself out of this fucking mess? 1.00

01:59:29.000 You got me in here, you dick. 1.00

01:59:31.000 100%. 1.00

01:59:31.000 Oh, God, there it went. 1.00

01:59:33.000 I said it again.

01:59:33.000 You did say it again.

01:59:34.000 Hurry up back, Brian. 0.99

01:59:35.000 We're going to wrap this bitch up. 1.00

01:59:37.000 Where are you going, Brian? 1.00

01:59:38.000 He's got a little girl's bladder. 0.99

01:59:39.000 He's got a little girl's bladder. 0.99

01:59:41.000 Oh, yeah.

01:59:42.000 Brian, he's such an interesting cat, isn't he?

01:59:44.000 He is.

01:59:44.000 He'll just tell you he can't follow things.

01:59:47.000 He does it, and it's very interesting.

01:59:48.000 We have a podcast.

01:59:49.000 I know how excited Brian is about the guest by how interactive he is.

01:59:53.000 If he's not talking to the guest, which makes me nervous right now because he hasn't talked at all while I've been here, but...

01:59:59.000 We've both been chatting up a storm.

02:00:01.000 Yeah, we're too chatty Cathy's here, but...

02:00:04.000 It's like, he just sits there quietly.

02:00:06.000 It's like, come on, be interactive with me, dude.

02:00:09.000 And he's like, no, I always gotta have a girl.

02:00:11.000 It's almost like I gotta bring meat to a beast.

02:00:13.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:00:14.000 I always gotta have a girl in the room. 1.00

02:00:16.000 And when you bring a girl, then he's more interactive. 0.98

02:00:18.000 Oh, you can tell if he likes the porn star. 0.98

02:00:21.000 100%. 0.98

02:00:21.000 He won't even let me talk. 0.98

02:00:22.000 He cuts me off.

02:00:23.000 He starts running the interview. 0.90

02:00:24.000 This is why Brian is so fucking interested in podcasting. 0.95

02:00:27.000 It's because all of a sudden it's put him in contact with all these freaks. 0.90

02:00:29.000 Do you remember when I did...

02:00:31.000 It's got a steady supply.

02:00:32.000 Even though I met...

02:00:32.000 Even though I met both of the girls I've dated off the podcast.

02:00:36.000 Sort of, but you met the first one through comedy.

02:00:41.000 Do you remember when I did your podcast the first time and he was talking about how I thought podcasting was a new casting couch?

02:00:49.000 And we both laughed at him, and then it's true.

02:00:52.000 It's like, you know, you can work that to get some chicks. 1.00

02:00:55.000 Well, that's the thing about a lot of porn stars. 1.00

02:00:57.000 They're looking to promote their shit. 1.00

02:00:59.000 They're looking to promote, like, weekends at clubs, just like a comedian is. 1.00

02:01:02.000 You know, when they go on the road, like, Brian went on the road with this girl, and he's like, it's just like a comic. 0.97

02:01:07.000 Like, you go and you have shows, and, you know, you get paid, and the club owner's kind of a dick. 0.99

02:01:10.000 It's like all the same shit. 1.00

02:01:11.000 I bet. 1.00

02:01:13.000 The first date of dating a porn star usually goes, so do you have any HTML skills?

02:01:17.000 What they say to you?

02:01:19.000 They try to get you to do their websites?

02:01:20.000 Do they both try to get you to do their websites?

02:01:22.000 Neither of them.

02:01:23.000 I've always found that the most successful girls have somebody in their life who runs all that stuff. 1.00

02:01:29.000 Of course. 1.00

02:01:29.000 They take some guy who they know is not going anywhere and that guy will start managing them and taking them on the road and be their bodyguard and hold their money and make sure the guys can't finger them while they're up there sticking their asshole in the face. 1.00

02:01:42.000 Because that's what it is. 0.99

02:01:43.000 So Brian had to go, hey, no fingering, guys.

02:01:46.000 Hey, guys, get out of there. 1.00

02:01:48.000 Come on with your dirty fingernails in your butthole. 1.00

02:01:51.000 Stop it. 1.00

02:01:52.000 Those are freckles.

02:01:53.000 This weekend, this Friday night, it will be me and Duncan at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California.

02:02:00.000 There's two shows, 7 and 9.30.

02:02:04.000 Yeah, 7?

02:02:05.000 I know. 0.98

02:02:05.000 Ridiculous. 0.98

02:02:06.000 But that's how they roll in Hermosa Beach. 0.99

02:02:08.000 Bedroom community.

02:02:10.000 My buddy wants to get you out in Santa Barbara.

02:02:12.000 Where's Santa Barbara?

02:02:13.000 What does he got up there?

02:02:13.000 Oh yeah, that's pretty nice.

02:02:14.000 He's got a couple clubs.

02:02:15.000 Clubs?

02:02:16.000 Comedy clubs?

02:02:17.000 No, like one's a rock club and another one's a theater.

02:02:19.000 He's always, you know, he wanted to hit up your agent and try to see if he can get you out there.

02:02:23.000 Alright, yeah, give me his information.

02:02:24.000 Yeah, I'll go to Santa Barbara.

02:02:25.000 It's not that far.

02:02:25.000 Yep.

02:02:26.000 I'll do that.

02:02:26.000 He's a great guy, too.

02:02:27.000 Okay, cool.

02:02:28.000 That's no further for me than Ontario.

02:02:29.000 Yeah.

02:02:29.000 I'll go that way.

02:02:30.000 Santa Barbara's great.

02:02:30.000 It's just the opposite way.

02:02:31.000 Yeah, Santa Barbara's fucking beautiful. 0.98

02:02:33.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:02:33.000 Some incredible houses out there, huh? 0.97

02:02:35.000 Yeah.

02:02:35.000 You see all those ones that burn down, like the dude from Back to the Future, the old guy, the professor?

02:02:40.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:02:40.000 His house burnt down out there.

02:02:42.000 That sucks. 0.76

02:02:42.000 Yeah, they have these giant mansions out there, and the fire's just cut through a whole neighborhood. 0.76

02:02:46.000 That's crazy shit when you realize that fire can do that. 0.96

02:02:49.000 And there's three colleges out there. 1.00

02:02:51.000 Yeah.

02:02:51.000 There's quite a few, yeah.

02:02:52.000 There's like three top-end colleges.

02:02:54.000 One of them had like the highest rate of STDs of any college in the country.

02:02:58.000 The highest rate of STDs of any in the country?

02:03:01.000 Yep.

02:03:02.000 Wow.

02:03:02.000 So you know they party.

02:03:03.000 It's warm out.

02:03:04.000 It's warm out. 1.00

02:03:04.000 People fuck more. 1.00

02:03:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:03:06.000 Probably, right?

02:03:06.000 Oh, I'm sure.

02:03:07.000 They get fucking bushes and outside. 0.99

02:03:08.000 I mean, in college. 1.00

02:03:09.000 Remember when you were in college, you're just like, just tapping ass left and right. 0.97

02:03:13.000 And you're like, it's always going to be like this. 0.96

02:03:15.000 At some point, you're like, oh, it's not.

02:03:17.000 I didn't go to waiver college.

02:03:18.000 I went to a college in Boston so that I could still train and compete in martial arts tournaments.

02:03:23.000 So I stayed for the first couple of years.

02:03:27.000 I was at home still until I was 20. When I was 20, I moved out.

02:03:31.000 And when I would go to school, I would just go to school for the day and then leave.

02:03:35.000 I had no school interaction.

02:03:37.000 I didn't go to parties.

02:03:38.000 I didn't get late in college at all.

02:03:41.000 Did you get late in high school?

02:03:42.000 Yes.

02:03:43.000 College is the biggest drought of my sexual career ever.

02:03:46.000 Really?

02:03:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:03:47.000 But I was most insecure in college, too.

02:03:49.000 Because then I was making this transition from being this person who concentrated on only martial arts my entire life.

02:03:56.000 Literally, barely paid attention to school.

02:03:59.000 So all of a sudden... 0.71

02:04:00.000 You know, becoming like 18, 19, out in the real world and going, how the fuck am I going to support myself?

02:04:06.000 I was teaching Taekwondo at Boston University, and I had my own school in Revere, but I was like, what am I going to do?

02:04:12.000 Am I going to just do this for the rest of my life?

02:04:13.000 Because this is not really what I want to do.

02:04:15.000 I want to compete, but there's no money in competing. 0.98

02:04:17.000 And then you start thinking about brain damage and all sorts of other things, and I was like, god damn, I might become a loser. 0.97

02:04:22.000 I had no definitive direction until I went into stand-up. 1.00

02:04:25.000 I was just competing and then worrying about shit. 0.97

02:04:28.000 From the time I was, like, 19, I had started to realize, like, maybe this is, like, a dead-end route. 0.98

02:04:32.000 Like, where am I going with this?

02:04:33.000 Right.

02:04:34.000 Also, when I was 19, I had seen some of the worst knockouts around that age.

02:04:40.000 I had seen some bad head-kick knockouts where I was like, whoa, like, what if that's me?

02:04:45.000 You know, what if that happens to me?

02:04:46.000 Yeah, go flatline.

02:04:48.000 Dude, I saw a lot of guys get kicked in the head, man.

02:04:50.000 A lot of guys get seriously flatlined.

02:04:53.000 Just like that dude in the subway where the guy sucker punches him.

02:04:56.000 I've seen a lot of that.

02:04:57.000 When you get kicked, like Taekwondo kicks to the head.

02:04:59.000 They don't land that often, but man, when they land, it's like getting hit with a bat.

02:05:03.000 There's a video on this website that's really cool called barstoolsports.com.

02:05:09.000 It's just a fun sports website.

02:05:11.000 They show these guys MMA fighting in their living room.

02:05:14.000 The first time they fight, the one guy taps.

02:05:17.000 The second one, they're fighting in the living room.

02:05:19.000 The dude just head kicks him.

02:05:20.000 The guy just goes down, hits his head basically on the marble of the floor.

02:05:25.000 The fireplace.

02:05:26.000 I'm like, ooh, lights out.

02:05:28.000 Oh, God.

02:05:29.000 See, I didn't get late in high school, but then I went to college and it was just insanity.

02:05:34.000 I'm sure if I'd went to a college, if I'd actually gone away somewhere.

02:05:36.000 I went to UNLV. Oh, Jesus.

02:05:39.000 I can even pretend you're going to learn anything in Vegas.

02:05:41.000 I didn't, dude.

02:05:42.000 I admit it.

02:05:43.000 I moved there.

02:05:44.000 I wanted to do stand-up.

02:05:45.000 Was there a lot of drugs?

02:05:47.000 You know, I didn't really get into anything like that until later.

02:05:51.000 Vegas has a real drug problem, right? 0.73

02:05:53.000 Yeah, but this was a different Vegas, man.

02:05:55.000 I know it sounds crazy.

02:05:56.000 Sinatra was alive.

02:05:57.000 You know how there was the mob Vegas?

02:06:01.000 I was out there kind of during the family-friendly Vegas.

02:06:06.000 Yeah, that happened for a little while, right?

02:06:08.000 Yeah, and then when I left, then it became MMA, you know, Terror Dome Vegas that is like just, you know, where they're like, screw it, we're just the party destination.

02:06:17.000 How do you think they made that decision?

02:06:19.000 You were living there.

02:06:20.000 The family wasn't making as much money.

02:06:22.000 Nope.

02:06:23.000 Is that what it was?

02:06:23.000 No, this one comic friend's name used to have a joke about, you know, you don't take a hooker to Disneyland.

02:06:27.000 It's just like, why would you make Vegas a family destination?

02:06:30.000 Yeah.

02:06:31.000 It was just a place where, you know, it was just...

02:06:34.000 Yeah, what's there for the kids?

02:06:35.000 Yeah.

02:06:36.000 Well, at one point there was like Treasure Rock, like Circus Circus had this huge like park and then the MGM Grand tried to create a park.

02:06:45.000 It's just like you're not going to bring your kids where there's gambling.

02:06:47.000 It sounds like a good idea.

02:06:48.000 People do.

02:06:48.000 People do all the time.

02:06:49.000 Yeah, but not like what they were hoping.

02:06:51.000 They were hoping to pull from Orlando.

02:06:53.000 Right. 1.00

02:06:54.000 Like, oh, fuck Orlando. 1.00

02:06:55.000 Let's go to Vegas. 1.00

02:06:56.000 Interesting.

02:06:57.000 It's never going to happen, man.

02:06:59.000 It's interesting what a bunch of different metamorphoses have gone on, you know?

02:07:03.000 And now it's kind of like it's in a different place.

02:07:05.000 It's like Vegas is broke.

02:07:07.000 Is that what it is now?

02:07:08.000 Yeah, man.

02:07:08.000 It's so slow and dead.

02:07:10.000 They definitely have lost a lot.

02:07:12.000 They say that their attendance is down like 50%, man.

02:07:15.000 Well, because everyone's got money.

02:07:17.000 And there's all those shopping centers that they started to build, and then whatever happened, and now they're just sitting there.

02:07:22.000 Yeah, there's a few of those.

02:07:23.000 There's a ton of those.

02:07:24.000 It's weird, yeah.

02:07:25.000 Where is it?

02:07:26.000 In Saudi Arabia they have that too?

02:07:28.000 Dubai.

02:07:28.000 Yeah, it's like huge...

02:07:30.000 Oh, well, money's gone.

02:07:31.000 Stop that.

02:07:32.000 It's so weird that the same amount of people can exist, the same amount of metal, the same amount of steel, the same amount of minerals, the same amount of resources, and yet somehow or another there's no money anymore.

02:07:43.000 It's so strange.

02:07:45.000 It's like, well, you know, A, everybody was under an illusion before.

02:07:49.000 Well, can you trick me again, please? 0.99

02:07:51.000 Can we trick the world again and keep this bitch rolling? 1.00

02:07:54.000 It's like, where's the money? 1.00

02:07:57.000 Exactly.

02:07:58.000 It doesn't make any sense. 1.00

02:07:59.000 You and I are way too stupid for this conversation. 1.00

02:08:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:08:02.000 You know what it is? 1.00

02:08:03.000 It's where's the money?

02:08:04.000 That was like, where's the beef commercial?

02:08:06.000 Where's the money?

02:08:07.000 It's rich people hoarding.

02:08:08.000 That's what's going on.

02:08:09.000 Rich people hoarding everything.

02:08:11.000 Friday night, Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach.

02:08:13.000 It will sell out.

02:08:14.000 Trust me.

02:08:14.000 Duncan Trussell's with me.

02:08:16.000 And I don't know who else is going to come with me, but somebody else too.

02:08:19.000 I try to get Chipotle.

02:08:20.000 Dude, we haven't gigged together in a while.

02:08:22.000 I'd love to gig.

02:08:23.000 We've got to start doing some gigs together.

02:08:24.000 You know what?

02:08:24.000 I'm doing San Jose with Diaz.

02:08:26.000 Why don't you come along?

02:08:27.000 You want to do that?

02:08:27.000 Just tell me when I'm there.

02:08:29.000 That's the next weekend.

02:08:30.000 The next following Friday.

02:08:31.000 Are you there?

02:08:31.000 Done.

02:08:32.000 Done!

02:08:32.000 Plus, it's another UFC. Vanderlei Silva versus Kung Lee.

02:08:35.000 No way! 1.00

02:08:36.000 Holy shit, son! 1.00

02:08:37.000 Shogun versus Henderson. 0.99

02:08:38.000 I'm there, dude.

02:08:41.000 I don't know what I did in a past life, dude, but I hooked it up.

02:08:43.000 Yeah, you did, bro.

02:08:44.000 I got the greatest jobs in the history of the universe.

02:08:45.000 December 1st, Naughty Show.

02:08:46.000 December 1st, Naughty Show.

02:08:47.000 I'm going to keep convincing you to come.

02:08:49.000 I can't comment.

02:08:50.000 I know you can.

02:08:51.000 I can't come.

02:08:52.000 Brian, work on it.

02:08:53.000 Brian, I think you're on the good things with the new podcast place.

02:08:57.000 Yes.

02:08:57.000 You got to start working on the business side.

02:08:59.000 We talked about that and we'll keep talking about it.

02:09:01.000 Yeah, you know, Brian's podcast, Death Squad, for anybody who wants to sponsor it, we're talking to the fleshlight.

02:09:07.000 Hopefully they'll come through with it.

02:09:08.000 But Brian's got, it's always in like the top 20 of iTunes comedy.

02:09:12.000 There's a bunch of funny comics.

02:09:14.000 Sam Tripoli has a show on it called The Naughty Show.

02:09:16.000 There's Tom Segura and his wife, Mrs. Segura.

02:09:19.000 They have a show called Your Mom's House.

02:09:21.000 The whole lineup is great.

02:09:22.000 There's no bad ones.

02:09:23.000 Brandon Walsh now has one called The Bone Zone.

02:09:26.000 I like that name.

02:09:27.000 And what it is is free.

02:09:28.000 It's a free podcast. 0.99

02:09:30.000 And if you're looking for some shit to listen to at work. 0.95

02:09:32.000 And by the way, all the people that I saw in England this weekend, thank you very much. 0.99

02:09:36.000 What a fucking awesome, polite crowd. 0.54

02:09:38.000 And 90% of them are podcast fans. 0.99

02:09:41.000 It was cool as fuck, dude. 0.95

02:09:42.000 One guy had a t-shirt on, said, I like my protons, I like existing in pre-Big Bang conditions. 0.97

02:09:48.000 Anybody wants to change that, you gotta come through me.

02:09:50.000 He had a t-shirt on with that written out.

02:09:52.000 It was dope.

02:09:52.000 And another guy had a Death Squad lineup t-shirt.

02:09:56.000 Reservoir Dogs?

02:09:57.000 Yeah, Reservoir Dogs with all of our faces.

02:09:59.000 It was really dope.

02:10:00.000 Hey, have you ever thought about, I was telling Red Band that he should take that thing, that cartoon, and turn it into a t-shirt and try to sell it to make money for the death squad or something like that.

02:10:11.000 Yeah, well, we're going to definitely, no, this thing, I'm going to talk to this guy.

02:10:15.000 How cool is that?

02:10:16.000 If you don't know what he's talking about, there's a gentleman, what's the guy's name?

02:10:19.000 Do you know his name?

02:10:20.000 No, he caught me on something, sweatpants or something like that. 0.98

02:10:23.000 Yeah, goddammit.

02:10:24.000 Casual Sweatpants or something like that? 0.83

02:10:25.000 Casual Sweatpants.com, I think it is.

02:10:27.000 Is that his name?

02:10:27.000 But anyway, he made this cool thing, the Joe Rogan Experience podcast, and it's all these animated pictures of Kevin Smith and Ari Shafir.

02:10:36.000 I'm on second level.

02:10:36.000 I'm excited about that.

02:10:38.000 Sam Tripoli.

02:10:39.000 I'm a zombie-looking Tripoli.

02:10:40.000 Me and Joey Diaz.

02:10:42.000 Everybody's in it.

02:10:43.000 It's Duncan's in it. 0.92

02:10:44.000 It's really fucking awesome, man, and an honor. 0.87

02:10:46.000 And that's one of the coolest things about this podcast is the community that it's sort of brought together. 0.86

02:10:51.000 And that's not something we take lightly at all.

02:10:54.000 I'm amazed and I'm honored by it all.

02:10:56.000 And it's kind of humbling.

02:10:58.000 And I never know what to say.

02:11:00.000 I'll click on some link and someone will say, something I made from your podcast.

02:11:03.000 And I'll click on a link and it's this awesome, inspirational rant tied to music.

02:11:08.000 And you listen to it and you're like, well, that's why you can't interrupt rants, bro.

02:11:12.000 Because they'll take those.

02:11:13.000 So you've got to be careful. 0.98

02:11:15.000 Don't fuck up the rants, kid. 0.97

02:11:16.000 Formal Sweatpants is the name of the game. 0.99

02:11:18.000 I do something on my podcast where I call Red Band's Rant and we do it at half an hour in the podcast where he can talk about whatever he wants because we'll be jamming and all of a sudden he'll be like, left turn out of nowhere and we're like, what?

02:11:30.000 Well, sometimes that's okay, but you've got to let people rant when they're in the middle of a rant.

02:11:33.000 You can't stop it, because then you'll stop one of these cool videos that gets made.

02:11:37.000 Guys have animated them.

02:11:38.000 We've got a couple guys that have animated them. 0.96

02:11:39.000 It's fucking awesome.

02:11:40.000 And Kevin Pereira from Attack of the Show, he wants to figure out a way to animate it with his production company. 0.68

02:11:46.000 Oh, that's cool. 0.74

02:11:47.000 Yeah, because there's so many times people have told crazy fucking stories, and those stories can make awesome animated little clips. 0.95

02:11:54.000 You just have to have someone sit through the 10,000 hours of, you know, this is like 152 hours. 0.98

02:12:00.000 What number is this?

02:12:01.000 It's more than that.

02:12:02.000 I think it's like 154. Is it really?

02:12:05.000 154 podcasts.

02:12:06.000 Each one of them is at least two hours.

02:12:07.000 And some of them are more.

02:12:08.000 What's the longest one?

02:12:09.000 Kevin Smith.

02:12:10.000 That was like three and a half hours, I think.

02:12:12.000 Something like that.

02:12:12.000 Yeah.

02:12:14.000 Anyway, bitches! 1.00

02:12:15.000 This show is basically over. 0.99

02:12:17.000 Let's wrap it up.

02:12:17.000 Let's bring it on home.

02:12:18.000 Brought to you by The Fleshlight.

02:12:20.000 Sam Tripoli got his own today.

02:12:22.000 I'm very excited.

02:12:23.000 That's your boy.

02:12:24.000 Hours from now, Sam Tripoli will be shooting loads into that thing. 0.99

02:12:27.000 You will have the most thunderous orgasms. 0.99

02:12:29.000 You'll be shocked. 0.96

02:12:30.000 Does it come with how to clean it? 0.99

02:12:32.000 I've never cleaned a vagina before. 1.00

02:12:33.000 You've got to just get in there, soap, water, fingers. 0.99

02:12:35.000 I'm very excited.

02:12:36.000 Don't be scared.

02:12:37.000 Don'tbescaredhomie.com.

02:12:39.000 Thank you to the Fleshlight. 0.99

02:12:40.000 You don't have to start that bitch so soon. 1.00

02:12:42.000 We've got a lot to talk about. 0.99

02:12:43.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:12:51.000 And we're also brought to you by...

02:12:53.000 AlphaBrain from Onnit.com.

02:12:55.000 I get a couple of those, right?

02:12:56.000 I got it for you, dude.

02:12:57.000 I got the new mood.

02:12:58.000 Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. We have a bunch of different supplements that we are currently offering for sale.

02:13:06.000 Some of them are for athletic performance.

02:13:07.000 Some of them are for mental performance.

02:13:10.000 New Mood is an HTP enhancement or software that enhances your mood. 0.91

02:13:15.000 And that's the Neil Brennan shit that he's the one who told me about that. 0.88

02:13:19.000 But... 0.97

02:13:20.000 Go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link and enter in the codename Rogan and you will get 10% off of that as well.

02:13:25.000 And if you don't want it, don't buy it.

02:13:26.000 Don't complain.

02:13:27.000 100% money back guarantee.

02:13:29.000 100% money back guarantee.

02:13:31.000 If you think it's too expensive, please don't buy it.

02:13:33.000 Please take the ingredients.

02:13:35.000 Go buy it to the stuff involved.

02:13:37.000 Let's make an info commercial.

02:13:37.000 Save some money.

02:13:38.000 We should.

02:13:39.000 Save some money and just tell me.

02:13:41.000 I hope it works.

02:13:41.000 I hope it works for you.

02:13:42.000 It works for me.

02:13:43.000 That's the only reason why I'm selling it.

02:13:44.000 Period.

02:13:45.000 End of discussion.

02:13:45.000 Anyway.

02:13:47.000 I thought you were going to go, and Advanced White by Armin Harmin.

02:13:50.000 No, this is my toothpaste.

02:13:51.000 I'm not promoting this toothpaste. 1.00

02:13:52.000 This is a lot of shit that we sell. 0.99

02:13:54.000 C2O, the best coconut water in the world, they don't pay us, but it's fucking, stuff is awesome. 1.00

02:13:59.000 It's from Thailand. 0.97

02:13:59.000 That's the key, folks. 0.97

02:14:00.000 You've got to get coconut water from Thailand.

02:14:03.000 I've had some coconut water that tastes like dishwater, so people are still like, dude, why do you guys drink coconut water in the podcast?

02:14:08.000 Like, this stuff's gross.

02:14:09.000 Some of it's gross. 1.00

02:14:09.000 I agree with you, but this C2O shit is fucking... 1.00

02:14:15.000 Sweet and delicious. 1.00

02:14:16.000 It makes me pee.

02:14:17.000 It does, well.

02:14:18.000 I bet you get a call from some people soon about wanting to sponsor.

02:14:21.000 Yeah, whatever. 0.97

02:14:22.000 Either way, I'll tell you I like stuff because it's good and C2O is fucking delicious. 0.97

02:14:27.000 That's it. 0.94

02:14:27.000 Tomorrow, Dave Attell joins the podcast at 3 p.m. 0.94

02:14:31.000 Yeah, college boy.

02:14:33.000 Jealous.

02:14:33.000 And then Thursday, Duncan Trussell.

02:14:36.000 We got a party going on this week, folks.

02:14:37.000 And we're also probably going to do a show at the Ice House where the new Death Squad Studio is located at the Ice House in Pasadena.

02:14:45.000 And that's probably going to be going down on Thursday.

02:14:48.000 We'll give you some more information about that tomorrow.

02:14:50.000 So, that is the end of this program.

02:14:53.000 Cue the music, son.

02:14:55.000 Train by day.

02:14:56.000 Joe Rogan podcast by night.

02:14:57.000 Thank you all.

02:14:58.000 Thank you for tuning in.

02:15:00.000 Thank you for tuning in continuously.

02:15:02.000 Thank you for letting us be a part of your world.

02:15:05.000 We appreciate it.

02:15:07.000 Please follow Sam Tripoli on Twitter.

02:15:09.000 Sam, T-R-I-P-O-L-I. Tripoli.

02:15:14.000 Sam Tripoli.

02:15:15.000 It's my man.

02:15:16.000 Good to be here, my brother.

02:15:17.000 Follow Red Band as well.

02:15:19.000 And don't forget to subscribe to The Death Squad on iTunes, the aforementioned podcast.

02:15:24.000 And we will be podcasting if we do it Thursday night.

02:15:27.000 We will do a live at the Ice House, which will be one of our new podcasts that we will be offering.

02:15:32.000 We will not stop until you're sick of us.

02:15:35.000 Can't stop.

02:15:36.000 Like I'm sick of Kim Kardashian.

02:15:38.000 God bless everybody.

02:15:40.000 Peace and chicken grease. 0.99

02:15:43.000 We love you, bitches. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - November 07, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #154 - Sam Tripoli

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript