The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #157

00:00:02.000 Are we doing it?

00:00:04.000 Jesus, I'm not prepared!

00:00:06.000 Ha, ha, ha!

00:00:08.000 The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:13.000 My favorite masturbation toy.

00:00:15.000 The only one that I've ever used ever in my life.

00:00:18.000 And if they hadn't sent me one, I probably wouldn't have used it.

00:00:21.000 But they did, and it is awesome.

00:00:24.000 It is way better than beating off.

00:00:25.000 And let's be real, everybody beats off.

00:00:28.000 So do yourself a favor and just give in to reality.

00:00:31.000 Don't touch that thing.

00:00:31.000 Everybody's touched that thing.

00:00:32.000 Yeah, it's disgusting.

00:00:34.000 Everybody's touched it.

00:00:35.000 Brian.

00:00:36.000 Do yourself a favor.

00:00:37.000 Go out and get yourself this amazing, beaten-off instrument.

00:00:41.000 It's really a fantastic piece of engineering and design, designed by a guy, actually, whose wife was pregnant, and he couldn't have sex, you know, because it was like six months into pregnancy, and it gets a little sketchy, you know, like, what the fuck am I doing here?

00:00:52.000 You know, how creepy am I that I'm sticking, you know, especially if you're...

00:00:55.000 If you're like, just let me put it in your mouth.

00:00:56.000 You know, she's all pregnant and shit.

00:00:58.000 The baby's inside of her.

00:00:59.000 You're just trying to get your load off.

00:01:00.000 You're better off...

00:01:01.000 You feel like you're supposed to be beaten off.

00:01:03.000 Sure.

00:01:03.000 From personal experience...

00:01:05.000 What's the cutoff point?

00:01:06.000 Mrs. Rogan liked it all the way up until the end.

00:01:09.000 Oh, wow.

00:01:10.000 But to me, I was like, this is the deal.

00:01:12.000 You tell me when it's go time.

00:01:14.000 Because I don't want to be the one who's trying to fuck you while you're walking around with a fucking...

00:01:19.000 10 pound baby inside you.

00:01:20.000 It's just crazy.

00:01:21.000 I heard the ladies like it though.

00:01:23.000 Yes, they do.

00:01:24.000 They get really horny.

00:01:25.000 They get really horny.

00:01:26.000 It's supposed to actually be good to...

00:01:28.000 It actually helps the baby come out or something like that.

00:01:31.000 It helps dilate you or some crazy shit.

00:01:32.000 Does it get hotter to you as it moves along?

00:01:34.000 Are you like, oh yeah, 8 months.

00:01:35.000 No, no.

00:01:36.000 It's very strange.

00:01:38.000 It is strange, right?

00:01:38.000 You can only imagine it.

00:01:40.000 It becomes almost alien.

00:01:43.000 Because you're still horny.

00:01:45.000 Everyone gets horny.

00:01:47.000 And she's still an attractive woman.

00:01:49.000 But the issue is, there's a baby in the mix here.

00:01:52.000 And it's on her.

00:01:53.000 So it's a very different experience.

00:01:55.000 When it's just a woman...

00:01:57.000 And her body and your body, it's just sex.

00:01:59.000 It's just fun.

00:02:00.000 It's just two people enjoying each other's bodies and lust and passion.

00:02:03.000 But when you've got a baby inside a person, boy, that's a totally different mix.

00:02:07.000 Totally different mix.

00:02:08.000 And knowing that like eight months along that like it's you doing that a time before.

00:02:14.000 No, but it's that your swimmers did that.

00:02:16.000 So you know it's like your own product is in there.

00:02:19.000 Yeah, it's very strange.

00:02:20.000 And it's also, you are now acutely aware of what the experience really is.

00:02:25.000 The experience of actually having a kid, the experience of making new human beings.

00:02:30.000 It is, you know, you have been tricked into some ancient mechanism that's designed to make animals create more animals.

00:02:38.000 And you are, most of your life moves in the flows of these needs and wants.

00:02:43.000 Whether or not you realize it or you don't realize it, once that baby comes out, you are forced into a recognition.

00:02:49.000 It's a real humbling experience because you realize, wow, this whole thing is way bigger than me.

00:02:53.000 And you also realize, well, hey, now there's this person that I love more than me.

00:02:59.000 This little tiny person.

00:03:00.000 I'm responsible for everything that has to do with their life and their education, their experience, and to guide them and protect them.

00:03:08.000 So while this is all happening, you're trying to shoot a load into a chick.

00:03:12.000 Yeah.

00:03:12.000 You know, it's like you don't feel the same way.

00:03:14.000 It's not sexy when you put it that way.

00:03:16.000 It's strange.

00:03:16.000 So, this gentleman invented something that he could relieve his manhood with.

00:03:20.000 That he, you know, didn't feel like waking up the wife while she's about to throw up in the morning and stick his dick in her butt.

00:03:26.000 He tried to be nice.

00:03:27.000 He's a nice guy.

00:03:28.000 What about your butt?

00:03:29.000 Your butt's not pregnant.

00:03:30.000 Your butt ain't pregnant.

00:03:32.000 So anyway.

00:03:34.000 It's fucking gross.

00:03:35.000 Do you guys understand that I have to do that at some point?

00:03:37.000 I gotta make a life.

00:03:38.000 Maybe.

00:03:39.000 You don't have to.

00:03:40.000 But the biological imperative is there.

00:03:43.000 I'm starting to feel...

00:03:44.000 I'm 35 and it's starting to kick in.

00:03:47.000 And it's terrifying.

00:03:48.000 And not the birthing part.

00:03:50.000 That part doesn't scare me.

00:03:51.000 Because I've taken some huge shits and I feel like I could do that.

00:03:54.000 You could do it.

00:03:55.000 But the growing inside of me like an alien, and your insides spread.

00:04:00.000 It's very psychedelic.

00:04:02.000 Life becomes very different than it was.

00:04:05.000 Anyway, if you enter in the code name Rogan on the JoeRogan.net website, into the flashlight link, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:04:14.000 That was a commercial, by the way.

00:04:16.000 That's how we do our commercials, man.

00:04:19.000 This is the only way I can do them.

00:04:20.000 I listen to people do canned commercials on other radio shows, and I respect what you're doing, but God, that seems boring.

00:04:27.000 I'd rather really say something about it every time.

00:04:30.000 I use it.

00:04:31.000 It's a fucking awesome product.

00:04:32.000 Another awesome product is AlphaBrain.

00:04:34.000 We are sponsored by Onnit.com and O-N-N-I-T.com.

00:04:38.000 And there's another thing that we've got now called New Mood.

00:04:40.000 And what New Mood is, it's a 5-HTP supplement.

00:04:43.000 And a lot of people, like Neil Brennan turned me on to this stuff first.

00:04:47.000 And 5-HTP, actually when you take it in, allows your brain to produce more serotonin.

00:04:53.000 It breaks down into serotonin and it actually makes you feel good.

00:04:56.000 It gives you like a nice feeling of well-being.

00:04:58.000 And Neil started taking it and he said he was taking like...

00:05:02.000 Like, three or four times what you're supposed to take.

00:05:05.000 And I was like, is that, like, safe?

00:05:06.000 He goes, I don't know, but I feel great, so fuck it.

00:05:09.000 So I started taking it after he told me about it, and it definitely does something.

00:05:13.000 It gives you, like, a weird little minor feeling of happiness is, like, the best way to describe it.

00:05:19.000 Very nice.

00:05:20.000 And this stuff, this new mood stuff with this stuff, what we've done and we've taken 5-HTP and added L-tryptophan.

00:05:27.000 And L-tryptophan actually breaks down.

00:05:29.000 It's like one of the building blocks for 5-HTP. So we take the two of them together, and it gives you sort of like a time-release quality.

00:05:36.000 And it's just very, they're very mellowing.

00:05:38.000 I like it a lot.

00:05:39.000 It's really a good, calming supplement.

00:05:42.000 And again, like I say with all the Onnit supplements, if you think they're too expensive or whatever, you can definitely get it for cheaper.

00:05:48.000 Just copy the ingredients, man.

00:05:50.000 Go online, find the...

00:05:52.000 Find the ingredients.

00:05:53.000 They're readily available on Onnit.com.

00:05:56.000 Go buy the stuff in bulk, and you'll definitely save money.

00:05:58.000 And I'm happy if you do that.

00:06:00.000 I swear to God I am.

00:06:01.000 Is that like calming in general, or like calming before bed kind of thing?

00:06:04.000 Well, I take it before bed.

00:06:06.000 I take two of them right before I go to sleep.

00:06:10.000 take them during the day.

00:06:11.000 You know, some people like to take them if they're not getting enough sleep or if they're just extra stressed out or something like that.

00:06:16.000 I love that.

00:06:16.000 It's a real weird world, the world of nootropics, because it's sort of just sort of been explored now and just sort of coming into public consciousness.

00:06:24.000 And there's a lot of misconceptions about what it does or what they do.

00:06:28.000 And I don't think each one works for everybody.

00:06:30.000 There's some that I'm not feeling them.

00:06:32.000 I try them and it doesn't do shit for me.

00:06:34.000 And there's other people that swear by the stuff.

00:06:36.000 So you've got to kind of just, without me getting to too much depth, because it would really take up the whole of the show, go look up nootropics and try a bunch of different things.

00:06:45.000 It's fascinating, but I think that they can enhance the way your brain functions.

00:06:49.000 It makes it feel a little better.

00:06:51.000 It makes it work a little better.

00:06:52.000 And, you know, there's a lot of arguments back and forth about this stuff, and for a good reason.

00:06:56.000 Because, you know, a lot of people, when you're saying that you can make people think better, boy, that sounds a lot like big dick pills.

00:07:01.000 You know, people always say that to me, like, how is what this is bigger than big dick pills?

00:07:05.000 Well, you know what, man?

00:07:07.000 It's better in that it actually works.

00:07:10.000 It might not work for you, but it works for me.

00:07:13.000 And it works for other people that I know, and it's 100%.

00:07:16.000 It's not like a placebo effect.

00:07:18.000 It gives me the most lucid dreams that I've never had in my life.

00:07:22.000 And the big shift has been taking this stuff.

00:07:25.000 And as I said, there's a bunch of different ones available online.

00:07:30.000 And a lot of different people have written about them.

00:07:32.000 And you could kind of create your own little concoctions.

00:07:34.000 It's a fun thing to get into.

00:07:36.000 It's kind of interesting.

00:07:37.000 I believe in vitamins.

00:07:38.000 I take multivitamins.

00:07:40.000 I take minerals.

00:07:41.000 I take amino acids.

00:07:43.000 I take fish oil.

00:07:45.000 I take a lot of different things as well as I juice every day and I drink this kale shake every morning.

00:07:52.000 I think I'm a big proponent.

00:07:54.000 Have you always been like that?

00:07:56.000 I try to be.

00:07:57.000 I try to be as much as possible because I'm a big proponent of taking care of your body.

00:08:01.000 I know when my body feels better.

00:08:03.000 You look terrible.

00:08:05.000 Right now?

00:08:06.000 Very fat.

00:08:07.000 When it doesn't feel good to me, When it's not working well, nothing works well in my life.

00:08:13.000 I find that my life is always best in order when I'm in shape.

00:08:18.000 Because when I'm in shape and I feel good, then I don't have to worry about that.

00:08:21.000 That's out of the way.

00:08:22.000 So now I don't feel like a lazy piece of shit.

00:08:24.000 So since I don't feel like a lazy piece of shit, all these other things seem to fall in place much easier.

00:08:28.000 You said something one time to me that I thought about a bunch.

00:08:33.000 You said, I think if you better yourself in one area of your life, it has a residual effect.

00:08:40.000 Yes.

00:08:41.000 And I think that's true.

00:08:42.000 I thought about that a lot.

00:08:43.000 Like that when you are doing something to better yourself, it's not just like if it's working out.

00:08:49.000 The benefit is there's a benefit that falls into like your, it can fall into your Creative stuff or your work stuff because you're bettering yourself and it has that residual effect.

00:08:59.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:00.000 Because if you work out and you take it seriously, which I've started to more, even though I'm still a lazy shit, like I've started to more, then you think about things more like, well, if I'm going to work out like this, I need to eat better.

00:09:13.000 And if I'm going to be tired, I need to rest more.

00:09:16.000 And that then will better your other aspects of life.

00:09:18.000 You're going to feel more rested.

00:09:20.000 You can give yourself awesome advice.

00:09:23.000 Yeah.

00:09:24.000 The real problem is getting yourself to do what you would advise someone else to do.

00:09:28.000 That's where it becomes difficult.

00:09:29.000 Right.

00:09:29.000 You know, when you try to tell somebody to do something that you don't do yourself.

00:09:33.000 Like, hey man, you should work out me while you fucking eat your cheeseburger.

00:09:36.000 Yeah.

00:09:36.000 I mean, a lot of people do that, right?

00:09:38.000 Sure.

00:09:38.000 There's a lot of people that do that.

00:09:39.000 Because they know.

00:09:40.000 Somewhere in the back of their head, they know the advice that they would give themselves.

00:09:43.000 Right.

00:09:43.000 They're just, for whatever reason, not quite bright enough to give it.

00:09:46.000 Or not quite motivated, or not quite clear enough, or too conflicted in whatever way, in whatever area.

00:09:52.000 You know, everybody's got their own thing, their own confliction that allows them to, you know, branch off into passive distraction.

00:09:59.000 But I think the big key is balance.

00:10:01.000 The big key is a balance act.

00:10:04.000 You cannot only be work.

00:10:06.000 You must have fun.

00:10:07.000 But you cannot be only fun.

00:10:08.000 You must have work.

00:10:09.000 There has to be things that get done.

00:10:11.000 There has to be information that gets absorbed.

00:10:12.000 Your brain and your body.

00:10:14.000 If not given a task, if not given a purpose on this planet, starts to think, what the fuck am I here for?

00:10:20.000 So the only way for true happiness...

00:10:22.000 Ultimately, it is silly.

00:10:25.000 Ultimately, we are just one frame in an infinite movie that goes on forever.

00:10:30.000 And that, you know, this life might not be important.

00:10:33.000 But the only way to enjoy it while you're here is to find things that you enjoy inside of it.

00:10:38.000 And you can't totally, completely look at the big picture, but ultimately you can anyway.

00:10:43.000 Because even if you look at the big picture with your life and you get past that, you go, well, at least I got past that.

00:10:48.000 The fuck you did!

00:10:49.000 How about the big picture of the universe?

00:10:50.000 How about the big picture of the sun?

00:10:51.000 The sun's only gonna last another few billion years.

00:10:54.000 Then that bitch is gonna fizzle out, and everything on this fucking planet is either gonna die in some horrible explosion when it goes supernova, or it's gonna freeze to death first.

00:11:02.000 It's ridiculous.

00:11:04.000 It's all temporary.

00:11:05.000 Every fucking thing that's ever been done.

00:11:07.000 So you can get crazy like that.

00:11:09.000 But what I've found is we're stuck here.

00:11:11.000 And the only way to enjoy here is to find stuff you like doing, do that, and have a good time.

00:11:18.000 Have a good time with here.

00:11:20.000 And one of the best ways to have a good time...

00:11:22.000 It's just take care of your fucking body.

00:11:24.000 Can I tell you something?

00:11:25.000 I think you're totally right.

00:11:26.000 Have you ever read Heidegger?

00:11:27.000 No.

00:11:28.000 Well, he said that the meaning of being, capital B, the big picture, is located in care.

00:11:34.000 Meaning what we attribute our care or what we give care to.

00:11:38.000 So you could care for a pair of headphones and that gives your life inherent meaning.

00:11:42.000 I'm sorry, life is not inherently meaningful.

00:11:45.000 Are you talking?

00:11:45.000 It's meaningful when you care about something.

00:11:47.000 When you attribute care to something.

00:11:48.000 What are you doing, Brian?

00:11:49.000 Look at the screen.

00:11:50.000 What?

00:11:51.000 Look at the Ustream.

00:11:52.000 It's pretty sweet.

00:11:52.000 God, it's killing me.

00:11:53.000 What is it doing?

00:11:53.000 It's kind of just making...

00:11:55.000 Okay, but why are you doing that while she's talking, man?

00:11:59.000 Huh?

00:12:00.000 Oh, no.

00:12:00.000 It's making the special effect.

00:12:02.000 Okay, but why are you interrupting her conversation?

00:12:04.000 I'm not.

00:12:04.000 I'm just staring at her.

00:12:05.000 You were, bro.

00:12:06.000 All right, I'll stop it.

00:12:07.000 That's what just happened.

00:12:08.000 It was pretty sweet, though.

00:12:09.000 Okay, we don't care, though, man.

00:12:10.000 A lot of people are not going to see this on Ustream.

00:12:12.000 So let her finish what she's saying.

00:12:14.000 She said something important.

00:12:15.000 I love when you scold, Brian.

00:12:17.000 Well, that was ridiculous.

00:12:18.000 He just interrupted you while you were on a roll.

00:12:19.000 It's so fucking disrespectful.

00:12:20.000 With some childish shit.

00:12:21.000 How dare you?

00:12:22.000 Some childish shit, kid.

00:12:24.000 I love you, Brian.

00:12:24.000 We love you, but you're a little baby.

00:12:25.000 Anyway.

00:12:26.000 But you're right, and it is about attributing care.

00:12:28.000 Because life in and of itself, I don't think life is inherently meaningful.

00:12:31.000 I don't think that there is some magical wizard behind the curtain that created all of us and we're all so special and awesome.

00:12:38.000 I think it is what you make of it.

00:12:40.000 And I wish I exercised more, is the point.

00:12:43.000 Because...

00:12:44.000 I'm very serious.

00:12:45.000 I'm stuck in my head.

00:12:46.000 You know what I mean?

00:12:46.000 I've been this way since I was a little girl.

00:12:48.000 When everyone else was running around, I was laying on top of the monkey bars.

00:12:52.000 And I've always been super fucking lazy.

00:12:54.000 And I wish I had this desire.

00:12:58.000 I wish I had your athleticism or just something about me that enjoyed sweating.

00:13:03.000 I just fucking hate it.

00:13:05.000 You don't have to love it.

00:13:07.000 Everybody's different.

00:13:08.000 It takes every type of people to make this world go round, but we're going to give you some alpha brain before you leave.

00:13:12.000 Maybe once you take that, it'll get your fucking head in gear, and you'll see the light.

00:13:16.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the Onnit.com link, and enter in the code name Rogan, and you get 10% off.

00:13:22.000 That also was a commercial.

00:13:23.000 That was a commercial?

00:13:25.000 Yes.

00:13:25.000 It was a commercial and a conversation.

00:13:27.000 See how we do it?

00:13:28.000 That's how we do our commercials here.

00:13:30.000 Wow.

00:13:30.000 At the Joe Rogan Experience podcast.

00:13:32.000 It's organic.

00:13:33.000 I grow these bitches in manure, son.

00:13:37.000 Hit it.

00:13:39.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:13:41.000 Train by day.

00:13:42.000 Joe Rogan podcast by night.

00:13:44.000 Oh, sweet baby Jesus.

00:13:53.000 this The dynamic doer are here, ladies and gentlemen.

00:13:58.000 The funniest couple I know.

00:14:00.000 The only couple of comedians worth a fuck.

00:14:03.000 Wow.

00:14:05.000 There's a couple of other ones.

00:14:06.000 I guess Duncan and Natasha are still hanging there.

00:14:08.000 Oh, I like them.

00:14:09.000 They haven't pulled the trigger, made that shit legal.

00:14:13.000 Tom Segura and Christina Segura, who doesn't use the last name Segura on stage.

00:14:19.000 No.

00:14:20.000 Why do you not?

00:14:21.000 Why do you not?

00:14:21.000 Together you are more strong.

00:14:22.000 Do you want the real talk?

00:14:23.000 Yes.

00:14:24.000 Legally, my name is Segura.

00:14:26.000 But, stage and because...

00:14:28.000 Official documents, kid.

00:14:29.000 But because my parents are Hungarian immigrants, they escaped from Hungary in 1969, went to Canada.

00:14:36.000 I was born there.

00:14:37.000 I moved to L.A. in 1980. Right.

00:14:39.000 So that stupid Polak Pajitski name, it's like my parents fought so hard to get me here.

00:14:45.000 And every time I see a club put it on the marquee, it makes me proud.

00:14:50.000 And it's a little, stick it to, you know, I'm a fucking dumb Polak and you guys can suck it.

00:14:56.000 Wow.

00:14:56.000 That's who I am.

00:14:57.000 And, you know...

00:14:59.000 That's very, very admirable.

00:15:00.000 Don't you think they would like it more, though, if their name didn't hold you back and keep you from succeeding?

00:15:04.000 Yes, absolutely, Joe Rogan.

00:15:05.000 Because nobody could remember your fucking name.

00:15:07.000 Say it again.

00:15:09.000 Pazitsky.

00:15:10.000 Pazitsky.

00:15:10.000 Good luck spelling that.

00:15:11.000 Yeah.

00:15:12.000 It's phonetic, guys.

00:15:12.000 Good luck on Jeopardy for all the marbles.

00:15:14.000 The other thing is, at what point, like, if you've started, would you consider a name?

00:15:19.000 Like, obviously, you know...

00:15:20.000 20 years in or 10 or 5. But after you've done a couple of things and you have your name and then you change your name, people are like, who the fuck are you?

00:15:27.000 Yeah, you could fuck yourself up and start from scratch.

00:15:31.000 You were 7 years in.

00:15:34.000 Whatever you do, don't hyphenate that shit.

00:15:36.000 That's a goddamn cop-out.

00:15:38.000 I agree with you.

00:15:39.000 I knew a dude who hyphenated and he took the wife's name last.

00:15:42.000 What?

00:15:43.000 Yeah, somebody lost.

00:15:45.000 Vagina.

00:15:46.000 Somebody failed.

00:15:48.000 That's not happening, babe.

00:15:48.000 We're not doing that.

00:15:48.000 Yeah.

00:15:49.000 He was also a self-proclaimed feminist.

00:15:51.000 He was a male feminist.

00:15:52.000 Really?

00:15:53.000 I believe that can exist, but I don't know.

00:15:55.000 I don't like the concept of feminist anymore than I like the concept of masculinist.

00:16:00.000 I like the concept of someone who's masculine-centric.

00:16:02.000 That's ridiculous.

00:16:03.000 Who the fuck is more masculine-centric than me?

00:16:06.000 I mean, everything I do is meathead shit.

00:16:08.000 You know?

00:16:09.000 Fucking cage fighting and choking people and small I'm not only concerned with men.

00:16:20.000 I'm concerned with the whole fucking human race.

00:16:22.000 I mean, you like to dance.

00:16:24.000 I dance my ass off.

00:16:25.000 I did take dancing classes.

00:16:27.000 You did?

00:16:28.000 Yeah, I did a dance scene in Zookeeper.

00:16:30.000 That's awesome.

00:16:30.000 With the lovely Leslie Bibb, the gorgeous blonde woman from Talladega Nights.

00:16:35.000 Yeah.

00:16:36.000 She played my ex-girlfriend.

00:16:37.000 She's hot.

00:16:37.000 I love her.

00:16:38.000 It's like I rarely, rarely get to act.

00:16:40.000 And my scenes are with her and Rosario Dawson and Kevin James.

00:16:44.000 I was like, oh, so cool.

00:16:46.000 Yeah, she was really funny.

00:16:48.000 She's hilarious.

00:16:49.000 She's great.

00:16:49.000 She was great in all those scenes, man.

00:16:51.000 I wish I could tell you some shit that this chick would say when we're hanging around in between scenes.

00:16:56.000 We're in the van on the way.

00:16:57.000 She's fucking hilarious, but out of respect for her.

00:17:01.000 And I would not repeat anything she said.

00:17:03.000 They were quite shocking.

00:17:04.000 Oh, that must be really funny stuff.

00:17:06.000 She's hilarious.

00:17:06.000 She's like a comic.

00:17:08.000 She's like a female comic.

00:17:09.000 That's great.

00:17:09.000 She's hilarious and cool as fuck.

00:17:11.000 You're very balanced.

00:17:12.000 You like these alpha male things, but I find you to be very balanced and you appreciate.

00:17:17.000 Well, the alpha male stuff, you know what?

00:17:20.000 I wouldn't say alpha male stuff, just masculine type things.

00:17:23.000 Yes, you are masculine.

00:17:23.000 But I like.

00:17:24.000 Why am I supposed to pretend that I don't like something?

00:17:27.000 Absolutely.

00:17:28.000 I like loud Mustangs.

00:17:30.000 I like when you rev the engine and it's stupid and it goes...

00:17:32.000 I have a Mustang.

00:17:34.000 It's my favorite car.

00:17:35.000 It's the dumbest car I have.

00:17:36.000 But you know what's good about it?

00:17:37.000 It's loud as fuck.

00:17:38.000 And it's stupid.

00:17:39.000 And I like listening to Leonard Skinner music in that.

00:17:42.000 Really fucking loud.

00:17:43.000 And you know, yeah, you go, look at you, you fucking loser.

00:17:46.000 I don't care.

00:17:47.000 That is what I like.

00:17:48.000 I like watching MMA. I like playing pool till fucking 6 o'clock in the morning.

00:17:53.000 These are the things I actually enjoy.

00:17:55.000 I mean, I'm not going to pretend, because I did for a long time in my life.

00:17:59.000 When I was growing up, I always felt like there was something wrong with me.

00:18:03.000 First of all, I grew up in Boston, which is a very pussy-whipped town.

00:18:07.000 I mean, it's a very manly town, but there's not a lot of women there, and especially amongst quote-unquote intellectuals.

00:18:13.000 I mean, hanging around college people...

00:18:15.000 The amount of colleges per capita is really high.

00:18:18.000 It's like one of the highest numbers in the country.

00:18:21.000 Boston?

00:18:21.000 61, I think, colleges and universities.

00:18:24.000 Ridiculous.

00:18:24.000 And so most people are really educated and most people are intelligent.

00:18:28.000 And when you get a lot of educated, intelligent people and they're trying to impress people, they tend to go towards the super liberal.

00:18:34.000 They tend to go towards...

00:18:37.000 There's something wrong with you.

00:18:38.000 You're a barbarian.

00:18:39.000 You need to evolve.

00:18:41.000 You would tell someone that you do martial arts, and they would look at you like you're insecure, like there's something wrong with you for pursuing that, that this is something you need to get past.

00:18:49.000 I've had those conversations with people where they judge you.

00:18:51.000 For the things you enjoy doing.

00:18:53.000 And what they're basically trying to do is, look, no one wants to fucking run hills.

00:18:57.000 No one wants to beat a tire with a sledgehammer.

00:19:01.000 No one wants to do rounds on the bag.

00:19:03.000 No one wants to take class and fucking strangle people for hours and hours.

00:19:07.000 But the only way to get good at all that stuff is to do that.

00:19:09.000 So if you can persuade other people to not get good at all the things that make you uncomfortable, then you don't have to feel as uncomfortable.

00:19:17.000 So if everybody was scrawny and sick and smoked cigarettes and drank whiskey all day, you wouldn't have to worry about getting your ass kicked.

00:19:22.000 And ultimately, that's one of the reasons how, one of the things, the motivations for people when they do, like, get upset at people for liking other things.

00:19:30.000 You know, if you actually love, what do you, like, hot rods?

00:19:32.000 You're threatened by it.

00:19:34.000 It's threatening.

00:19:34.000 Yeah, what are you doing, stupid?

00:19:35.000 You like hot rods and big dogs?

00:19:38.000 Like, what do you like big dogs?

00:19:39.000 Yeah, but the people that say that are always the, like, if they're that critical about what you enjoy, it's because they're less happy.

00:19:45.000 They're insecure.

00:19:46.000 It takes you a while to realize that, though.

00:19:47.000 I thought they were right, and they would be angry and critical with me about things, and I would think that they were right.

00:19:52.000 And I would say, wow, you know, maybe I am a...

00:19:54.000 And then eventually it took me a while to go, why do they care?

00:19:57.000 It took me a while to go, why are they giving me a hard time for things that I enjoy?

00:20:01.000 If I like listening to Kiss, I like Kiss.

00:20:03.000 I'll be in my car, come on and love me.

00:20:07.000 I'll sing along.

00:20:08.000 Yeah.

00:20:08.000 I'll fucking sing along.

00:20:09.000 I think most people don't get to that point.

00:20:11.000 I think it is something you start to figure out as you get older.

00:20:14.000 I was having this thought literally earlier today.

00:20:17.000 Don't you ever look back and think about people that were in high school with you that you feel like had that clarity but you don't realize it until you're older?

00:20:25.000 You're like, that person's disposition and their outlook was incredible at like 15. I think it's their parents.

00:20:31.000 You grow up in an environment where your parents don't buy the bullshit.

00:20:35.000 It's way easier to not buy the bullshit because You know, my parents were very unusual.

00:20:40.000 My dad is a, my stepfather's a hippie, and he was a computer program and then an architect.

00:20:45.000 He's a very, very bright guy.

00:20:47.000 Yeah.

00:20:47.000 Who was always, you know, a pot smoker, too, when I was young.

00:20:50.000 And you openly, like, would tell you, like, him, or would you smoke with him?

00:20:54.000 I smoked with him when I was eight.

00:20:55.000 What?

00:20:56.000 No way!

00:20:58.000 Just once to see what it was like.

00:20:59.000 Because I asked him, I'm like, what are you doing?

00:21:01.000 You guys are smoking pot?

00:21:01.000 What is that?

00:21:02.000 And he goes, you want to try it?

00:21:04.000 And I go, can I? He goes, yeah.

00:21:05.000 He goes, just a little, but you can try it.

00:21:07.000 And he gave me, I don't remember the effects.

00:21:08.000 I don't remember what happened.

00:21:10.000 Probably fucked my brain up for life.

00:21:12.000 Yeah.

00:21:12.000 But I was taught really early on to don't believe the hype.

00:21:17.000 That's awesome.

00:21:17.000 That there's a lot out there that's bullshit.

00:21:20.000 Yeah.

00:21:21.000 A lot of laws.

00:21:22.000 I got confused about something being illegal.

00:21:25.000 I'm like, but it's illegal.

00:21:26.000 This is illegal.

00:21:27.000 And my stepfather was always like, let me tell you something, laws that are not there to protect people, they don't need to be there.

00:21:35.000 Those laws are nonsense.

00:21:36.000 And it was a really interesting way he put it.

00:21:39.000 The laws that don't protect anybody are just bullshit laws.

00:21:42.000 And I was like, wow, who the fuck ever thought?

00:21:44.000 And then it really is when you really start to think about personal choice laws.

00:21:48.000 I remember in New York, you couldn't get tattooed.

00:21:50.000 Tattoos were illegal.

00:21:51.000 For a while, back in the 90s, I had to go to Connecticut to get a tattoo.

00:21:55.000 I was like, how fucking stupid is this?

00:21:57.000 When I grew up in Boston, kickboxing was illegal.

00:22:01.000 We used to have to go to Rhode Island to fight.

00:22:02.000 We could fight in Taekwondo tournaments in Massachusetts, but we had to go to Rhode Island to fight.

00:22:06.000 Why?

00:22:07.000 The more laws there are, the more problems there are.

00:22:10.000 Let people figure out what the fuck they like and let them pursue it.

00:22:14.000 We have way too many laws and we have way too many people that have a career in not just protecting these laws, but enforcing these laws and building more laws.

00:22:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:22:25.000 It's like there's a whole business.

00:22:26.000 People always say, kill the lawyers first.

00:22:29.000 Oh, for sure.

00:22:30.000 It really is ridiculous when they can catch little imperfections in the text and the language that things are written and they can exploit these things.

00:22:39.000 Why is everything so fucking complex?

00:22:42.000 It is a business.

00:22:43.000 Or the lawsuit, yeah, to sue somebody over...

00:22:46.000 You know, in Hungary, there's an amusement park that the roller coaster is made out of wood, and it doesn't even stop to let you on.

00:22:53.000 Oh, my God.

00:22:54.000 Yeah, dude, it's from, like, the Russian communist group.

00:22:56.000 And it's the most fun and scariest shit, because you could fucking die.

00:22:59.000 Oh, fuck that!

00:23:01.000 How slow does it go to get on?

00:23:03.000 Maybe like five.

00:23:04.000 Down to five.

00:23:05.000 And you literally, like the people in it, jump off.

00:23:07.000 You run in.

00:23:08.000 And then the fucking bar doesn't even come down on your lap.

00:23:10.000 It's like this.

00:23:11.000 And you better hold the fuck on.

00:23:13.000 Oh my god.

00:23:14.000 But you think anybody sues the amusement park if they fall off?

00:23:17.000 No, it's your fault, dummy.

00:23:18.000 You rode the...

00:23:19.000 Well, I think you should be able to sue for certain things.

00:23:21.000 I certainly think they should fix the fucking rollercoaster.

00:23:24.000 That's not what I'm saying.

00:23:25.000 What I'm saying is that there's a lot of laws that are in place that just don't need to be there.

00:23:31.000 Sometimes things are just ignored.

00:23:33.000 Common sense and public opinion.

00:23:35.000 It's common sense to not buy crack.

00:23:37.000 If you want crack, you can get crack.

00:23:39.000 Yeah, crack's illegal.

00:23:40.000 There's no crack...

00:23:44.000 People that are out in the street protesting why crack isn't legal.

00:23:47.000 There's no crack advocates.

00:23:49.000 There's no crack legislators.

00:23:51.000 But you can go get it.

00:23:52.000 If you want to go get it, you can go get it.

00:23:54.000 You want to arrest the guy who's selling it, this poor fuck that's running around selling crack?

00:23:58.000 What you need to do is make treatment centers.

00:24:00.000 What you need to do is find out what the fuck happened to this poor kid that he thinks it's okay to sell crack.

00:24:04.000 That's the real fundamental problem.

00:24:07.000 I don't know anybody if I said, hey man, we're going to sell something that makes your dick fall off.

00:24:13.000 You know, they know it's going to make their dick fall off, but we're going to sell it anyway.

00:24:16.000 Are you down?

00:24:17.000 You want to make some money?

00:24:18.000 I don't know a single person that would go, what?

00:24:20.000 I'm going to make people's dick fall off?

00:24:22.000 Fuck!

00:24:23.000 So if you wouldn't do that, would you sell crack then?

00:24:27.000 Would you sell something that's going to ruin people's lives?

00:24:28.000 Of course you wouldn't.

00:24:30.000 There's no way you would do that.

00:24:31.000 Nobody would want that over their head.

00:24:33.000 I mean, even if it was a lot of money, man, you would consider it because you really do hate to be broke, but you don't want to do anything ultimately that ruins lives.

00:24:40.000 Yeah.

00:24:41.000 So that's the real issue.

00:24:42.000 The real issue is why are these people willing to sell crack?

00:24:45.000 Why are these people willing to put other people's lives and put themselves and their wants and their selfish desires ahead of all these other people's lives?

00:24:53.000 That's the real problem.

00:24:55.000 It's a desperate world, desperate situation.

00:24:56.000 Yeah, it's not that crack is legal.

00:24:57.000 It's that anybody would want crack.

00:24:59.000 The real root of the problem is not that crack is illegal.

00:25:02.000 It's that why would anybody want crack?

00:25:04.000 That's the real problem.

00:25:05.000 Have you ever smelled crack?

00:25:06.000 It smells terrible.

00:25:07.000 The real problem is, who's educating the children?

00:25:10.000 Who's raising them?

00:25:11.000 Who's exposing them to certain things?

00:25:13.000 Who's protecting them?

00:25:14.000 Who's making sure that you develop a person that doesn't have anger and hate and selfishness inside them to the point where they want to sell people poison?

00:25:22.000 Poison that they're addicted to.

00:25:23.000 A lot of shitty parents.

00:25:24.000 A lot of shitty parents, man.

00:25:25.000 That is the real root of the issue.

00:25:28.000 For sure.

00:25:28.000 That's the real, real root of the issue.

00:25:30.000 You see it in adults, you can tell right away you had a really bad upbringing.

00:25:34.000 Well, you see it when you have kids and your kids are around other people's kids.

00:25:37.000 You see people fucking scream at kids when you know where they learned that shit from.

00:25:41.000 You see them angry and hit each other with sticks and shit.

00:25:45.000 You see weird shit with kids that you know is going on at home.

00:25:49.000 Did you see that video of that lady, the young girl getting beat by her father who was a judge?

00:25:54.000 Yes, I saw that.

00:25:55.000 Dude, you don't even want to watch it.

00:25:56.000 It's horrendous.

00:25:58.000 She was 16 at the time, and her dad is a judge in Texas.

00:26:01.000 And he's a family judge.

00:26:03.000 Planning judge.

00:26:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:04.000 And he beat her with a belt for downloading shit off the internet.

00:26:09.000 I think she downloaded some illegal stuff off the internet, like, you know, wares or something like that.

00:26:13.000 Songs, music.

00:26:14.000 So she downloaded it illegal.

00:26:15.000 He beat her with a fucking belt.

00:26:17.000 I mean, beat her.

00:26:19.000 Like, full blast whips.

00:26:21.000 For a while.

00:26:21.000 And he's yelling, I didn't get my lick in!

00:26:23.000 I didn't get my lick in!

00:26:24.000 And this is a guy who did not know he was recording, being recorded, right?

00:26:27.000 So this is what this guy's like.

00:26:29.000 That's when it's really terrifying.

00:26:30.000 When you see people behind their mask, you know, this guy, his mask is that he's a judge.

00:26:36.000 And by the way, they're not even going to pursue charges against this guy.

00:26:39.000 This is insane.

00:26:40.000 There was a statute of limitations on that.

00:26:44.000 Yeah, that's insane.

00:26:45.000 That's an assault.

00:26:47.000 It's not even just beating your kid.

00:26:49.000 We used a weapon.

00:26:50.000 That guy should be in jail forever.

00:26:52.000 Fuck him.

00:26:53.000 You pussy.

00:26:55.000 You hit a little girl with a belt.

00:26:56.000 What, because your life is frustrating?

00:26:59.000 Because you're getting old?

00:27:00.000 Because your dick doesn't work anymore?

00:27:01.000 Which is it?

00:27:02.000 Which is it that causes you to pull the trigger on beating your fucking baby with a belt?

00:27:07.000 Mind-bumbling.

00:27:08.000 It's hard to watch.

00:27:09.000 I would never stop hitting that guy if I saw that happen.

00:27:12.000 I would never stop hitting that guy.

00:27:14.000 I would never run out of one more.

00:27:17.000 I would just keep giving him one more.

00:27:19.000 Fuck you.

00:27:20.000 You want to beat a baby with a belt?

00:27:22.000 A girl?

00:27:23.000 You fucking piece of shit.

00:27:25.000 That that could even be argued that that guy is not a plague.

00:27:29.000 A blight on society.

00:27:31.000 You fucking shithead.

00:27:33.000 You could do that to your daughter?

00:27:34.000 Ugh.

00:27:36.000 Man, shun you, you fuck.

00:27:38.000 You should live on a mountain now.

00:27:39.000 No one should talk to you.

00:27:41.000 You should be locked up in a fucking cage.

00:27:43.000 Fuck you, man.

00:27:44.000 And the pedophiles, too, for that.

00:27:46.000 Yeah, this fucking Sandusky thing, this Joe Paterno thing.

00:27:50.000 Holy shit, is this dark.

00:27:52.000 You know what's really crazy?

00:27:53.000 The guy who found him and turned him in, his name is McQueery.

00:27:58.000 It's almost like this is fiction.

00:28:01.000 It's almost like the world is becoming more...

00:28:03.000 As 2012 comes along, the story falls apart.

00:28:07.000 The plot starts to reveal itself.

00:28:09.000 The writing behind the script.

00:28:11.000 Look, a guy named Weiner was a politician who was sending pictures of his dick to girls online and thought he could get away with it.

00:28:19.000 I mean, what?

00:28:20.000 Rush Limbaugh takes so many Oxycontins, he goes, deaf.

00:28:24.000 What?

00:28:25.000 That was the best, yeah.

00:28:25.000 What?

00:28:26.000 What?

00:28:27.000 This guy, McQueary, finds the most beloved football coach ever is guilty of shielding another beloved assistant coach from fucking little boys for 20 years!

00:28:41.000 Yeah.

00:28:41.000 This guy was taking these kids on fucking trips.

00:28:44.000 They were staying with him.

00:28:46.000 He was boning little boys for years.

00:28:50.000 And they allowed them to.

00:28:51.000 They allowed them to.

00:28:53.000 Wow!

00:28:54.000 I mean, we should be allowed to beat them publicly and pedophile.

00:28:59.000 I mean, I don't know what the solution is to sterilize them.

00:29:02.000 They have to be killed.

00:29:02.000 You have to kill them.

00:29:03.000 They've destroyed lives.

00:29:04.000 I don't think people would be...

00:29:06.000 They forfeit their right to live.

00:29:07.000 Irreparable damage done to those kids.

00:29:08.000 Yeah, they've destroyed all those boys.

00:29:11.000 That guy fucked will never be the boy that they could have been without getting fucked by themselves.

00:29:15.000 That guy owes a hundred lives.

00:29:18.000 He owes a hundred thousand lives because he owes every life that these poor fucked up kids are going to interact with and perhaps molest boys because of what happened to them.

00:29:28.000 That's why it happens in the first place.

00:29:30.000 Absolutely.

00:29:31.000 So this motherfucker caused a ripple effect, and this McQueary guy, who still has his job, even though he didn't go running to the police.

00:29:38.000 You know, everybody wanted to keep their job, it seems like.

00:29:41.000 It seems like they were shielding this guy, and everybody wanted to keep their job.

00:29:44.000 But the guy who saw the boy getting fucked in the ass should have ran straight to the police.

00:29:49.000 That's McQueary.

00:29:50.000 Wait, but that's not what happened, right?

00:29:52.000 You know that they weren't fucking.

00:29:54.000 Oh, they were horsing around.

00:29:55.000 They were just horsing around.

00:29:56.000 Right.

00:29:56.000 They were just sliding on the floor.

00:29:59.000 That guy's story is that he heard a rhythmic slapping and came in to see a 10-year-old boy with his hands on the wall while this guy was fucking his little boy ass.

00:30:08.000 Whoa!

00:30:09.000 And then did you see the development today as far as the email?

00:30:12.000 No.

00:30:13.000 So McCreary sent out an email to friends, and they had excerpts of it on the news that said that, he said, you guys know I didn't just turn and run away, like they're saying.

00:30:26.000 I had to make quick decisions.

00:30:28.000 I made sure it stopped.

00:30:30.000 So he was saying that...

00:30:31.000 How does he make sure it stopped without following that fucking pedophile?

00:30:35.000 He's suggesting that he intervened at that moment.

00:30:38.000 He intervened?

00:30:39.000 Well, stopped it.

00:30:39.000 In other words, the first reports said that he saw it.

00:30:43.000 That he walked away.

00:30:43.000 Right.

00:30:44.000 He, in his email, is saying, I didn't just see it and walk away.

00:30:47.000 I stopped what was happening.

00:30:51.000 Oh, is that right?

00:30:51.000 So he separated?

00:30:52.000 This is his version.

00:30:55.000 Did he say why he didn't go to the cops?

00:30:56.000 No, because they just got a copy of an email he sent to friends.

00:31:01.000 It doesn't go into that duty.

00:31:02.000 How did he not go to the cops?

00:31:04.000 Yeah, you have a duty.

00:31:05.000 Of course.

00:31:05.000 That's the part that people are saying that he went to his father, and then the next day...

00:31:10.000 He went to whose father?

00:31:11.000 He went to his own father to tell him what happened.

00:31:13.000 Right.

00:31:13.000 And then the next day, he went to Paterno.

00:31:17.000 And then Paterno told the athletic director and maybe the president or the athletic director told the president.

00:31:24.000 Well, that guy's a guy who's trying to keep his fucking job and that's pretty gross.

00:31:27.000 What that guy's supposed to do is call the cops.

00:31:29.000 Immediately.

00:31:30.000 Everybody knows that.

00:31:31.000 First call is to the cops.

00:31:33.000 Or at least some street justice.

00:31:33.000 And you don't let that motherfucker leave.

00:31:35.000 Yeah, you don't let that motherfucker leave.

00:31:37.000 You beat that old man senseless.

00:31:39.000 You leave him there and then you call the cops.

00:31:41.000 That old fucking creep fucking that 10-year-old boy.

00:31:45.000 You're supposed to want to be violent because if you have a tribe, okay?

00:31:48.000 It's a tribe of a few people that care about each other and protect each other from all the other fucking terrible things in the world.

00:31:54.000 When you find something like that, that's a goddamn disease.

00:31:57.000 The real problem is that we have so many people.

00:32:00.000 There's so many people.

00:32:01.000 There's 300 plus million of us on this one continent.

00:32:05.000 And because of that, not even one continent, one piece of the continent, America...

00:32:10.000 And because of that, we devalue each other, man.

00:32:13.000 We don't appreciate each other and we don't appreciate threats like that.

00:32:17.000 Threats become over there.

00:32:19.000 They're a threat over there.

00:32:20.000 We can separate from it.

00:32:21.000 I live in a gated community.

00:32:23.000 I close my door at night and turn on my alarm system.

00:32:26.000 I have a gun.

00:32:26.000 I'm not worried.

00:32:27.000 We need to get rid of all those problems.

00:32:30.000 And if you had a community and you had a guy like this paterno fuck who allowed this other fuck to bang little kids in the asshole and didn't have him locked in a cage, you're supposed to tell the both of them.

00:32:42.000 You were not looking out for the community.

00:32:44.000 You guys were looking out for your own asses.

00:32:46.000 All of you.

00:32:47.000 From the guy who caught him who didn't go to the cops to the paterno guy knew.

00:32:52.000 They all fucking knew.

00:32:52.000 You can't be around a dude who's banging kids in the ass and not know.

00:32:56.000 You cannot!

00:32:57.000 You cannot!

00:32:58.000 This guy's taking little boys on the road with him?

00:33:01.000 Yeah.

00:33:01.000 I mean, it's really dark.

00:33:02.000 He was sitting on the road?

00:33:04.000 Yes.

00:33:04.000 He had a charity to help little kids that were underprivileged or in troubled homes.

00:33:09.000 And it's the craziest thing.

00:33:11.000 But there was some priests that had written some stuff about finding boys.

00:33:15.000 It was really dark shit.

00:33:18.000 And they shared emails back and forth.

00:33:21.000 But one of the things that they were saying was that look for boys with troubled childhoods.

00:33:26.000 Yeah.

00:33:26.000 Look for boys who don't have a good relationship with their parents.

00:33:29.000 And those are the ones they prey on.

00:33:32.000 The boys who are lost and alone because they're vulnerable and they'll do anything for love.

00:33:36.000 They don't even know why they're having sex with a man.

00:33:39.000 They just know that they're happy that this man cares about them because the people at the orphanage don't.

00:33:44.000 That this man is buying them toys.

00:33:46.000 He would do this.

00:33:47.000 He would buy them toys.

00:33:48.000 He would take them to games.

00:33:49.000 He would do all these things and bone them.

00:33:51.000 It's like classic priest shit.

00:33:53.000 It's the classic priest shit.

00:33:55.000 The level of planning and evil that goes into...

00:34:00.000 I'm going to set up a foundation.

00:34:03.000 A charitable foundation for troubled kids.

00:34:06.000 And we're trying them and we're convicting them right here on the show.

00:34:08.000 And I know that's wrong.

00:34:10.000 We can assume...

00:34:11.000 I know that's wrong, but if that Sandusky guy isn't, if he's not arrested, and that the McQuarrie guy, how is he not in jail?

00:34:18.000 I don't understand that.

00:34:19.000 That doesn't make any sense to me.

00:34:20.000 Sandusky didn't do himself any favors with that interview that he did on air yesterday with Bob Costas at all.

00:34:27.000 Oh boy, man.

00:34:28.000 Oh my god, when...

00:34:30.000 Like, there's just...

00:34:30.000 So you get it?

00:34:31.000 Can you get it, Brian?

00:34:31.000 It is...

00:34:32.000 Hair.

00:34:33.000 I would like to hear it.

00:34:34.000 The answers are so obviously not the correct answer.

00:34:37.000 Yeah, I mean, there's...

00:34:38.000 First of all, there's Stuffy Volunteers, which if you have doubts, you should probably have far less doubts.

00:34:45.000 Like what?

00:34:45.000 What was it on?

00:34:46.000 It was on NBC. It was on Rock Center with Brian Williams.

00:34:51.000 Sandusky?

00:34:51.000 Yeah It's There's certain things Like if I don't know Was it Matt Lauer Who interviewed it No it was Bob Costas Oh Bob Costas He's even better He's tremendous Bob Costas is a brilliant man Yeah Very smart guy His grasp of the English language Really makes you feel Excellent He's a great guy too I don't know words He beat me up on news radio.

00:35:11.000 He did?

00:35:12.000 Yeah, we had a scene, a fight scene on news radio.

00:35:14.000 And he flipped me.

00:35:16.000 He flipped me on the ground.

00:35:17.000 He's a brilliant guy.

00:35:19.000 Yeah, I got a chance to talk to him all night.

00:35:21.000 He was really cool.

00:35:22.000 Very smart guy.

00:35:23.000 Well, there's just things like, I mean, I don't know if we're going to get the interview or not, but like when you...

00:35:27.000 You know, when you're asked, uh, are you a pedophile?

00:35:29.000 Are you sexually attracted to young boys?

00:35:31.000 What do you think, like, somebody who isn't, what would they say?

00:35:33.000 What's the correct answer to that?

00:35:34.000 No.

00:35:34.000 Fuck no.

00:35:35.000 Okay, well, what about, am I attracted sexually?

00:35:40.000 I mean, I'm not sexually.

00:35:44.000 Define attracted.

00:35:45.000 Yeah, but, uh, can I just bring up an Oprah Winfrey thing I learned on the Oprah show?

00:35:51.000 I would love to hear this.

00:35:51.000 The web is buzzing on Bob Costas' telephone interview with Jerry Sandusky.

00:35:57.000 Speaking for the first time since...

00:36:00.000 It doesn't seem like it's right.

00:36:02.000 Is this not it?

00:36:04.000 The interview.

00:36:05.000 No, they're talking about the interview.

00:36:06.000 That's not it, obviously.

00:36:08.000 Just look for the interview.

00:36:09.000 Yeah, the audio is amazing.

00:36:11.000 It's incredible.

00:36:12.000 But Oprah, because Oprah was molested, and she had this whole segment where she brought pedophiles on the show, and they actually got to say how they court these children, why they do it.

00:36:23.000 And anyway, basically, they groom children.

00:36:25.000 Like you said, the vulnerable ones, they can tell which boys or girls are psychologically Fragile.

00:36:32.000 And they groom them.

00:36:33.000 So that's what that's called.

00:36:35.000 Where they give them the candy and the courtship.

00:36:37.000 And actually family members too molest a lot.

00:36:40.000 She's like, if you have an uncle that is really into hanging out with your girls, have them sit on my lap.

00:36:47.000 That's actually how it happens.

00:36:49.000 It's the neighbor.

00:36:50.000 It's the uncle.

00:36:51.000 It's not the stranger.

00:36:52.000 It's actually people that you know.

00:36:54.000 What the fuck is wrong with him?

00:36:55.000 It's a red band.

00:36:56.000 I think it's like faulty products.

00:36:59.000 Is this it?

00:37:00.000 This is it.

00:37:03.000 Innocent?

00:37:04.000 Completely innocent and falsely accused in every aspect?

00:37:09.000 Good question.

00:37:10.000 Well, I could say that I have done some of those things.

00:37:14.000 I have horsed around with kids.

00:37:17.000 I have showered after workouts.

00:37:19.000 I have hugged them and I've I have touched their leg without intent of sexual contact.

00:37:30.000 So if you look at it that way, there are things that would be accurate.

00:37:41.000 Are you denying that you had any inappropriate sexual contact with any of these underage boys?

00:37:48.000 Yes, I am.

00:37:49.000 Never touched their genitals, never engaged in oral sex.

00:37:53.000 Right.

00:37:54.000 Whoa!

00:37:54.000 What about Mike McQuarrie, the grad assistant who in 2002 walked into the shower where he says, specifically 10 or 11 years old, that his hands were up against the shower wall and he heard rhythmic slap slap slapping sounds and he described that as a rape.

00:38:14.000 I would say that that's false.

00:38:17.000 What would be his motive to lie?

00:38:20.000 You'd have to ask him that.

00:38:22.000 What did happen in the shower the night that Mike McQuarrie happened upon you and the young boy?

00:38:29.000 Okay, we were showering and horsing around and he actually turned all the showers on and was actually sliding across the floor and we were As I recall possibly like snapping a towel, a horseplay.

00:38:49.000 In 1998, a mother confronts you about taking a shower with her son and inappropriately touching him.

00:38:56.000 Two detectives eavesdrop on her conversations with you and you admit that maybe your private parts touched her son.

00:39:04.000 What happened there?

00:39:06.000 I can't exactly recall what was said there in terms of What I did say was that if he felt that way, then I was wrong.

00:39:26.000 During one of those conversations, you said, I understand.

00:39:30.000 I was wrong.

00:39:31.000 I wish I could get forgiveness, speaking now with the mother.

00:39:34.000 I know I won't get it from you.

00:39:36.000 I wish I were dead.

00:39:38.000 A guy falsely accused or a guy whose actions have been misinterpreted doesn't respond that way, does he?

00:39:46.000 I don't know.

00:39:46.000 I didn't say to my recollection that I wish I were dead.

00:39:52.000 I was hopeful that we could reconcile things.

00:39:59.000 Shortly after that, in 2000, a janitor said that he saw you performing oral sex on a young boy in the showers in the Penn State locker facility.

00:40:09.000 Did that happen?

00:40:11.000 How could somebody think they saw something as extreme and shocking as that when it hadn't occurred, and what would possibly be their motivation to fabricate it?

00:40:22.000 You'd have to ask them.

00:40:25.000 it seems that if all of these accusations are false, you are the unluckiest and most persecuted man that any of us has ever heard about.

00:40:35.000 Oh, I don't know what you want me to say.

00:40:42.000 I don't think that these have been the best days of my life.

00:40:47.000 Sandusky's attorney, Joseph Amendola, insists the charges filed by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania...

00:40:52.000 The attorney got a young girl pregnant.

00:40:54.000 He got a teenager pregnant.

00:40:55.000 Cool.

00:40:56.000 Did he really?

00:40:57.000 Yeah.

00:40:58.000 It's hilarious.

00:40:59.000 When he was 49, now you can kill it.

00:41:01.000 49 years old, he got a teenager pregnant.

00:41:03.000 Yeah, it goes on.

00:41:05.000 It goes on.

00:41:06.000 Birds of a feather.

00:41:08.000 I think you're totally right that you shouldn't convict somebody just when charges, but then if you did have your doubts, does that make them fade away?

00:41:19.000 Yeah, that cements it that this guy's a creep.

00:41:21.000 No question about it, that's not how you respond.

00:41:23.000 Of course not.

00:41:24.000 People that are guilty, that are pretending to not be guilty, never realize how other people see them.

00:41:30.000 They always just try to, you know, stay calm and keep it together.

00:41:35.000 You would be freaking the fuck out.

00:41:38.000 If that was you, and all of a sudden someone was saying that Tom Segura has been touching little kids and blowing them in a bathroom, you would go crazy.

00:41:46.000 You wouldn't be, you'd have to ask them.

00:41:49.000 That's right.

00:41:49.000 There's no fucking way you would leave it at.

00:41:51.000 You'd have to ask that.

00:41:52.000 No.

00:41:52.000 That's right.

00:41:52.000 You'd be like, I have no idea.

00:41:54.000 This is horrifying.

00:41:56.000 It's disgusting to me, too.

00:41:58.000 Et cetera, et cetera.

00:41:59.000 It's not only that.

00:41:59.000 It's put me in this terrible position where it'll never be erased from some people's memories that have heard this.

00:42:05.000 It's a terrifying thing.

00:42:06.000 If you think someone falsely accusing you of being a child molester like this, if someone was really falsely accusing you, you would be trapped.

00:42:14.000 It's unbelievable.

00:42:14.000 You'd be like raging.

00:42:16.000 You'd be like, I haven't done anything.

00:42:18.000 What the fuck is going on?

00:42:19.000 And people have been falsely accused before.

00:42:21.000 For sure.

00:42:22.000 I would like to see how they react.

00:42:23.000 Because it doesn't sound like that.

00:42:25.000 Do you know of any popular cases?

00:42:27.000 I wish I did.

00:42:29.000 I just assumed.

00:42:30.000 Oh, Brian.

00:42:31.000 I just assume that people have been.

00:42:33.000 Yes.

00:42:34.000 Especially, I mean, I'm sure it's happened for sure.

00:42:36.000 It has to have happened.

00:42:37.000 In Molestation.

00:42:38.000 Yeah.

00:42:38.000 In Murder Once, that always, like, it blows my mind when you see, like, DNA exonerate somebody.

00:42:44.000 Yeah.

00:42:44.000 And they served, like, 20 years.

00:42:46.000 Oh, wow.

00:42:46.000 And you're like, that person was in prison.

00:42:48.000 Yeah.

00:42:49.000 For 20 years of their life.

00:42:51.000 In a hardcore prison for like murders and rapes and shit.

00:42:54.000 And the whole time he was like, I didn't murder somebody.

00:42:57.000 Everybody was like, sure, dang asshole.

00:42:58.000 Like, I'm sure you didn't.

00:43:00.000 Did you see that guy that fought on Manny Pacquiao's undercard?

00:43:03.000 Oh my God.

00:43:04.000 Wait, what?

00:43:05.000 No, tell me.

00:43:06.000 No, it wasn't Manny Pacquiao's undercard.

00:43:07.000 It was like a week or two before.

00:43:09.000 Yeah.

00:43:09.000 This guy was 52 years old.

00:43:12.000 He had just gotten out of jail where he was in jail for I think 29 years.

00:43:15.000 Yes.

00:43:15.000 For a crime he didn't commit.

00:43:17.000 He got...

00:43:17.000 I would die in jail so fast.

00:43:20.000 It's horrific.

00:43:21.000 It's so sad, so scary.

00:43:23.000 He was boxing champ inside.

00:43:25.000 He won his comeback fight, 52 years old.

00:43:28.000 He had a professional boxer.

00:43:29.000 He actually looked really good for a 52-year-old.

00:43:31.000 He was in good shape.

00:43:32.000 It's just so disappointing and depressing.

00:43:35.000 Just his philosophy, too.

00:43:36.000 I saw a piece on him before the fight and just how he wasn't wanting to kill everybody in the world, even though I can't imagine the anger you How long would it take him to be sane again?

00:43:49.000 How long would it take him to bounce back?

00:43:52.000 That's a long goddamn road.

00:43:54.000 He has a great attitude.

00:43:56.000 Way better attitude than people who haven't served 29 years.

00:43:58.000 It's incredible.

00:43:59.000 I wonder how he pulled it together like that.

00:44:01.000 I don't know.

00:44:01.000 I really don't know.

00:44:03.000 It's really sad.

00:44:05.000 And that's the one reason why I'm not 100% for capital punishment.

00:44:09.000 I mean, I'm for capital punishment when you absolutely know, but the reality is, man, there have been bad cops, just like there have been bad postmen.

00:44:17.000 Don't you think people would not be, like, you know, there's a certain amount of people who oppose the death penalty for crimes you can commit now?

00:44:24.000 Don't you think there would be less people opposed to it if it were for child molestation?

00:44:30.000 If you're like, that's a punishable by death crime now.

00:44:32.000 Well, you'd have to prove that the person was 100%.

00:44:36.000 Yeah, but if they were.

00:44:37.000 If you could prove it 100%, yeah.

00:44:39.000 Well, you know what?

00:44:40.000 I think it would be harder to get people to pull the trigger for child molesting because a lot of people have creepy uncles that they love that are probably deadlers.

00:44:47.000 So I think it's more prevalent in our society than we'd like to admit.

00:44:52.000 And it really is a symptom and a side effect of the sexual repression that we all enjoy in this country.

00:44:58.000 They're wired that way.

00:44:59.000 If your kink is that, it's unfortunate because how do you express that kink?

00:45:04.000 Well, I think at the root of a lot of really fucked up deviant behavior is a lack of sexual choices and a lack of sexual education and the fact that it's dirty, the fact that sex is forbidden, the fact that it's something that you feel like you're getting away with when you do it.

00:45:23.000 And then you add to that fucked up people that molest kids and you throw that all in a big batch together and then you have these kids That grow up with this fucked up memory and they repeat the same behavior over and over again.

00:45:35.000 And what is the root cause of it?

00:45:37.000 I mean, all of it has got to be like shitty parenting.

00:45:39.000 Shitty parenting and the kid being molested, right?

00:45:42.000 That's the root of all of it.

00:45:43.000 But also, you know, there should be a little bit more knowledge.

00:45:48.000 We should be a little bit more open about what the fuck is going on sexually with people.

00:45:53.000 Like in high school, do you think they have classes where they talk about people that are just trying to fuck you?

00:45:58.000 Do you think they have a class like that?

00:45:59.000 Oh, they should.

00:46:00.000 I wish they did.

00:46:01.000 Where they say, hey, look, this guy with candy and the open van, he's just trying to fuck you.

00:46:04.000 He's trying to fuck you and your ass.

00:46:06.000 Wouldn't that be great to tell 10-year-olds?

00:46:08.000 Sure.

00:46:08.000 They really should know, right?

00:46:09.000 Because otherwise, the first time they get raped, they're like, what the fuck is this?

00:46:13.000 They did for drugs.

00:46:14.000 I had D.A.R.E. Drug Resistance Education.

00:46:18.000 All it did was teach me what drugs I wanted to do when I was old enough to do them.

00:46:22.000 It didn't really teach me shit.

00:46:24.000 Remember when you had to pass around the fake drugs that looked like cocaine?

00:46:26.000 Yeah, that was the best.

00:46:28.000 Or actually, it was real stuff that the police had confiscated.

00:46:31.000 And you're sitting there looking at real weed when you're like 12 going, wow, this is cool looking.

00:46:35.000 I've never seen this plant before.

00:46:37.000 But wouldn't it have been more valuable?

00:46:38.000 I can get some.

00:46:39.000 My brother's got some.

00:46:40.000 Wouldn't it have been more valuable if they were like, hey, if some guy tries to fuck you in a van, run.

00:46:44.000 Yeah.

00:46:45.000 But there used to be PSAs.

00:46:47.000 Don't ever trust any adult that's by themselves and wants to take you somewhere.

00:46:51.000 Stranger danger.

00:46:51.000 In the 80s, they had PSAs.

00:46:53.000 Don't talk to strangers.

00:46:55.000 Don't open the door if you're alone.

00:46:56.000 So terrifying.

00:46:57.000 They don't do that now.

00:46:58.000 So terrifying.

00:47:00.000 Every now and then you'll see someone somewhere, some fucking sketchy looking person and you just wonder, wow.

00:47:05.000 I do think it is the unacceptable, unfixable kink.

00:47:11.000 I think it's like there's bad wiring and there's some products that you're like, this thing doesn't fucking work.

00:47:17.000 It's a broken person and there's really no...

00:47:19.000 Yeah.

00:47:20.000 Because everything else, if you're like, this is what arouses me, you can get your, you know, but this is the one that's like, you can't, sorry.

00:47:26.000 Yeah, you can't.

00:47:27.000 And it's a psychological issue, too.

00:47:29.000 It might not even be sexual, so like, making them impotent might not even do it.

00:47:33.000 They might still want to touch the kids and do weird stuff.

00:47:35.000 Who knows?

00:47:36.000 Cut their balls off.

00:47:37.000 I don't know.

00:47:37.000 I don't know if it's psychological or it's just purely sexual.

00:47:40.000 You know, I think it's a weird fucking obsession.

00:47:43.000 It's terrifying.

00:47:44.000 Terrible, terrible obsession.

00:47:45.000 And it needs to be fixed.

00:47:48.000 Someone needs to figure out a way to fix that.

00:47:51.000 I think probably there is a way with psychedelic drugs, but they haven't pursued it enough to figure out what's the right dose and how to administer it correctly.

00:47:59.000 If someone's a child molester or someone's done something fucked up and you give them a heavy...

00:48:05.000 Heavy dose of ayahuasca or heavy dose of ibogaine or something like that, I guarantee you they would be so disappointed and disgusted with themselves.

00:48:12.000 They would either kill themselves or they would never ever do it again.

00:48:15.000 Really?

00:48:15.000 Yeah, I think so.

00:48:17.000 I think that's true with a lot of people, a large percentage of the population.

00:48:22.000 I think most people, like when a guy said he wanted to kill himself, I wish I was dead.

00:48:26.000 That's what they think.

00:48:27.000 That's what they think.

00:48:28.000 They don't want to live this way.

00:48:30.000 They're just stuck in this goddamn feedback loop, this horrible loop that they got in as a small child.

00:48:35.000 That Sandusky guy was probably molested when he was a kid.

00:48:38.000 Probably by another football coach or something like that.

00:48:40.000 I think that I saw in a story that his parents started a home for kids, and he lived in that home growing up.

00:48:48.000 Oh, bingo.

00:48:49.000 Well, there you go.

00:48:49.000 That's where he got it.

00:48:50.000 Yeah, he got it either from one of those kids that he went in the home with, because a lot of those have been molested.

00:48:55.000 If you're going to share a home with troubled children, a lot of their troubles are sexual.

00:49:00.000 God damn it, man.

00:49:01.000 Yeah, goddammit, man.

00:49:03.000 Yeah, and you know what?

00:49:04.000 While this fucked up country is overseas stealing heroin and minerals in Afghanistan and pretending that it's for our greater good, they could be over here trying to fix the real problem in this country, which is fucking the youth.

00:49:15.000 The real problem is the quality of our fucking plants that are growing, the quality of our seeds that have been planted, the quality of the human beings that are developing right now.

00:49:25.000 And for a good percentage of them, it's a fucking mess!

00:49:29.000 And no one wants to fix that.

00:49:31.000 Could you imagine if we had an entire country of people that lived in a good neighborhood?

00:49:36.000 An entire country of people that lived in a place where you didn't have to worry about your kids getting fucked by some creepy man.

00:49:42.000 You mean the Netherlands?

00:49:45.000 Where it's awesome?

00:49:46.000 Sort of, but even there.

00:49:47.000 The Netherlands and Holland?

00:49:49.000 A lot of crazy shit goes on in Holland.

00:49:51.000 Holland's a dark place.

00:49:52.000 Yeah, I don't know enough about it.

00:49:54.000 Yeah, the Red Lake District, all those whores.

00:49:56.000 Yeah, but that's just for tourists.

00:49:58.000 I don't think the native Dutch...

00:49:59.000 I was just there a few weeks ago.

00:50:01.000 Did you stand up out there?

00:50:02.000 Yeah, yeah, for some Showtime thing.

00:50:05.000 The natives were saying, like, we don't go to those places.

00:50:08.000 The Dutch are actually conservative people socially.

00:50:11.000 So it's more just...

00:50:12.000 It's a business thing.

00:50:13.000 They realize that that's what attracts us dopey Americans.

00:50:16.000 Well, we can smoke dope in public, and we can fuck hookers.

00:50:19.000 And it's so crazy to us.

00:50:22.000 We can have sex, and we can do all these things, and that's why we go over there and do that.

00:50:27.000 And English boys, too.

00:50:29.000 Holland is not an innocent place, though, by any stretch of the imagination.

00:50:31.000 I'm sure.

00:50:31.000 It's a wild-ass place.

00:50:33.000 Do you know that's where some of the best kickboxing in the world comes from?

00:50:38.000 No!

00:50:38.000 Really?

00:50:40.000 The Muay Thai in Holland is at some of the highest level in the world.

00:50:45.000 A lot of fighters from other countries go to Holland to train in kickboxing.

00:50:48.000 I had no idea.

00:50:49.000 Yeah, there's a great culture.

00:50:52.000 I don't know.

00:50:52.000 There's a great culture of kickboxers from that part of the world.

00:50:56.000 They're repressed.

00:50:58.000 There was a few guys back in the day, and there's a bunch of them that came successful.

00:51:02.000 Particularly this guy, Ramon Deckers, who went over to Thailand and fought.

00:51:06.000 The best ties in the world.

00:51:07.000 And he was a small guy, so he was the size of the ties.

00:51:11.000 And then there was a guy named Rob Kamen.

00:51:12.000 And Rob Kamen was a larger, bigger guy.

00:51:15.000 You met Rob, right?

00:51:16.000 Yeah, he's a big dude.

00:51:16.000 Yeah, he's a bigger guy.

00:51:17.000 He looks like it would hurt.

00:51:18.000 He's probably the best kickboxer that ever lived.

00:51:20.000 Really?

00:51:21.000 Yeah, and he's real super technical.

00:51:23.000 And he's from Holland as well.

00:51:24.000 They're all crazy.

00:51:25.000 They're wild, wild people, man.

00:51:27.000 Yeah, fun people.

00:51:28.000 Did you see that sports science on Boss Ruten's game?

00:51:31.000 Kicks?

00:51:32.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:33.000 Ridiculous.

00:51:34.000 They were like, this is all wrong.

00:51:35.000 All the readings are off.

00:51:36.000 Yeah, he'll hurt you.

00:51:37.000 And then he did it again.

00:51:38.000 They're like, your insides are being traumatized if you get kicked by this guy.

00:51:42.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:43.000 Boss Root can kick fucking hard.

00:51:45.000 He was one of the first guys in mixed martial arts fighting.

00:51:49.000 He was really fighting in an organization called Pancrase, which is sort of a hybrid...

00:51:53.000 It wasn't quite mixed martial arts.

00:51:55.000 They had weird rules.

00:51:56.000 You could kick full blast, but you couldn't punch to the face.

00:51:59.000 You could only slap to the face.

00:52:01.000 You could only pull your hands back and use open palm strikes.

00:52:04.000 But what Boss Rootin figured out how to do is pull his hands way back.

00:52:08.000 He had really flexible wrists.

00:52:09.000 So really, he was punching you with his palm.

00:52:12.000 Because with most guys, they were slapping, which doesn't have the same impact.

00:52:16.000 But what Boss was doing...

00:52:17.000 He was pulling his hands way back like this, and he was throwing punches.

00:52:21.000 He was the first guy to figure out that he could throw punches with his palms, and he was fucking people up.

00:52:26.000 And he would kick them, and you would just go, whoa, nobody kicks that hard in this style of fighting.

00:52:32.000 He was kicking like a real powerful Muay Thai guy would kick, but he was applying that in MMA. He was one of the first guys.

00:52:39.000 One of the first pioneers.

00:52:41.000 Yeah, it's a crazy goddamn sport.

00:52:43.000 The sport of fighting is crazy.

00:52:45.000 I don't mean to brag, but I studied Kung Fu for two years in Griffith Park.

00:52:49.000 Tai Chi?

00:52:50.000 No, I did Kung Fu style, and my teacher taught us those Muay Thai kicks, and she said that they get calluses on their shins.

00:52:58.000 Well, you sort of do, yeah.

00:53:00.000 They get kind of numb.

00:53:01.000 A lot of guys have bumps and knots and shit.

00:53:04.000 You get bloody spots and bruises, and they heal up, and it gets tough eventually.

00:53:09.000 Some guys even kick bamboo trees and shit.

00:53:12.000 They kick banana trees.

00:53:14.000 And they kick it just to kind of...

00:53:16.000 It kind of has some give to it, but it's still pretty hard.

00:53:20.000 It does feel good to kick stuff hard.

00:53:22.000 Does it?

00:53:22.000 Yeah, I miss it.

00:53:23.000 What do you think about when you do that?

00:53:25.000 Goddammit, just...

00:53:25.000 What do you think about Tom?

00:53:26.000 Mommy is just...

00:53:27.000 Oh, never!

00:53:28.000 No, I don't treat you like the enemy.

00:53:31.000 I don't have anger.

00:53:31.000 How come you guys get along so well as a couple and as comics?

00:53:36.000 Because a lot of times, you guys are genuinely happy.

00:53:38.000 Neither one of you guys is tortured.

00:53:40.000 And you seem better together.

00:53:42.000 You actually seem better together.

00:53:43.000 We all have that friend that when they're with their other, they're different.

00:53:48.000 Yeah.

00:53:48.000 Isn't that sad?

00:53:49.000 It's fucking sad, dude.

00:53:51.000 I think it's sad to watch.

00:53:51.000 Yeah.

00:53:52.000 I have a buddy that can't do anything right when he's with his girl.

00:53:55.000 She's always, what are you putting it there for?

00:53:56.000 What is that?

00:53:57.000 Why is this over here?

00:53:58.000 Sit down.

00:53:59.000 What time is it?

00:54:00.000 Are you ready?

00:54:01.000 Yeah.

00:54:01.000 It's like always, there's always a nag in there.

00:54:04.000 But you guys are like buddies.

00:54:06.000 Yeah.

00:54:06.000 You know why, though?

00:54:07.000 I think some women, they make their spouse the enemy for some reason.

00:54:10.000 They're unhappy with something inside of them.

00:54:13.000 But with Tommy, I think...

00:54:15.000 I don't know.

00:54:16.000 How do you avoid that?

00:54:17.000 I'm in therapy.

00:54:18.000 I go to psychotherapy.

00:54:19.000 And I work out my shit.

00:54:21.000 And I do it professionally.

00:54:23.000 And also, because we're both comics, I think Tommy's way funnier than me, and I accept that.

00:54:29.000 And I like him.

00:54:31.000 You know what I mean?

00:54:31.000 I respect you as a comic, and I respect you as a person.

00:54:34.000 Yeah.

00:54:35.000 Yeah.

00:54:35.000 So that's why you get along?

00:54:37.000 Because you realize he's the fucking man.

00:54:38.000 Yeah, dude, he's awesome, right?

00:54:40.000 You guys kiss.

00:54:41.000 No, you kiss.

00:54:43.000 You kiss and I'll sing.

00:54:45.000 What are you going to sing?

00:54:46.000 Make it romantic.

00:54:48.000 Just you and I. Oh, that was so cute.

00:54:52.000 That was beautiful.

00:54:54.000 You know what?

00:54:54.000 The thing that people ask me all the time, they're like, are you guys competitive?

00:54:58.000 And I'm like, what?

00:54:59.000 No?

00:55:00.000 No.

00:55:01.000 I guess because comics sort of inherit their competitive, but in a relationship, that's way different.

00:55:06.000 Some people, it's their whole thing.

00:55:08.000 The competition is their whole thing.

00:55:09.000 But female comedians are considered novelty acts.

00:55:13.000 I think there's still enough sexism in comedy where people are like, You guys ready for a lady comic?

00:55:18.000 And I'm like the circus act in a normal lineup.

00:55:21.000 So my career, what I'm trying to say, is never going to conflict with Tommy's.

00:55:26.000 It's preposterous to think that we're competing for the same.

00:55:29.000 No one's career competes with anyone else.

00:55:31.000 Right, and that too.

00:55:32.000 You have to realize that somewhere along the line, that when your friends do better, you do better.

00:55:37.000 Everybody together does better.

00:55:38.000 You all grow together.

00:55:40.000 But everybody gets fucking selfish and they don't want their friends.

00:55:42.000 I mean, I know a lot of comics that, I mean, we all know a lot of comics that don't like the other people around them to be funny.

00:55:49.000 Oh, sure.

00:55:49.000 They want to hold everybody back because somehow or another they feel like it makes them not funny.

00:55:55.000 I remember I had a conversation with somebody and they were saying, why the fuck do you take Joey Diaz on the road with you, man?

00:56:01.000 Oh, he's so funny.

00:56:01.000 He's so funny.

00:56:02.000 He's ridiculous.

00:56:03.000 I was like, because he's hilarious.

00:56:04.000 Yeah, of course.

00:56:05.000 What kind of stupid question is that?

00:56:06.000 But to them, it was ridiculous.

00:56:08.000 What they did, and this was a headliner I was talking to, a national guy, and what he does is take a fucking terrible comedian on the road with him.

00:56:15.000 Oh, boy.

00:56:15.000 And the terrible comedian would go on there and eat his own dick for 20 minutes, and then he'll go out and look like a goddamn hero.

00:56:21.000 He'll rescue it.

00:56:21.000 The bar has been lowered.

00:56:23.000 These people are looking to laugh.

00:56:24.000 So he has a couple inferior comedians on before him, and then he goes out there and he looks like a fucking superhero.

00:56:32.000 thinking these terrible thoughts.

00:56:34.000 This person's going to usurp my power.

00:56:36.000 People are going to be seeing them.

00:56:38.000 I'm going to be opening them up for him.

00:56:40.000 And they start thinking crazy, man.

00:56:42.000 And it's stupid.

00:56:43.000 It's a dumb thing to do.

00:56:44.000 It's a trap.

00:56:45.000 You can never be jealous.

00:56:47.000 You can only be inspired.

00:56:49.000 If you feel any negativity, just fucking push it aside.

00:56:52.000 Ignore it.

00:56:53.000 Reject it.

00:56:54.000 Refuse it.

00:56:55.000 And just say, man, how awesome is that guy?

00:56:57.000 I wish I was that funny.

00:56:59.000 I'm going to write more.

00:57:00.000 I want to go do this.

00:57:02.000 I think that both Christina and I have both always been the type of person that likes having funny people around.

00:57:09.000 We genuinely enjoy funny people, and we never...

00:57:13.000 even when they're huge personalities, because neither one of us has huge, overbearing personalities to people.

00:57:20.000 So especially offstage, when I'm around, I feel like when I'm around Joey Diaz, like a fucking movie is playing.

00:57:28.000 Yeah.

00:57:28.000 Like somebody just pressed play on a fucking funny movie.

00:57:30.000 How am I not going to, I'm going to watch him.

00:57:33.000 I mean, I've been at your shows, we're backstage, and I pull up a chair and I'm like, so have you ever been, like I ask him a question.

00:57:41.000 Have you ever been to Phoenix?

00:57:43.000 And he's like, Phoenix!

00:57:45.000 Let me tell you something about it.

00:57:46.000 We robbed this guy in Phoenix.

00:57:48.000 I robbed him with a cap gun.

00:57:52.000 My nose was bleeding.

00:57:54.000 I was up for three days.

00:57:56.000 One of my nipples was gone.

00:57:58.000 Not only is it not threatening, it's like the biggest joy of the night is to sit around.

00:58:02.000 Or you ask stupid Bert.

00:58:04.000 Yeah.

00:58:08.000 And he tells you a story.

00:58:10.000 He's like having a fucking TV on.

00:58:11.000 Having a show going on, constantly.

00:58:13.000 Yeah, that's how I feel about Joey, always.

00:58:15.000 I always feel like Joey's like a show that we bring with us.

00:58:18.000 He brings the party.

00:58:19.000 He brings the party.

00:58:19.000 That's why he goes up first, too.

00:58:21.000 I mean, he's a goddamn national headliner.

00:58:23.000 Joey's one of the best comics in the country.

00:58:25.000 And he goes on first.

00:58:26.000 And the reason why he goes on first is because he wants to.

00:58:28.000 He wants to go out there dancing and he brings a party.

00:58:31.000 And he likes it.

00:58:32.000 And he also likes the challenge of warming a room up.

00:58:34.000 It makes the material stronger.

00:58:37.000 Joey's really calculated about his comedy.

00:58:39.000 You would think that being this wild, crazy guy that he just kind of wings it.

00:58:45.000 But he also thinks about it a lot.

00:58:47.000 I believe that.

00:58:47.000 He has a lot of thought behind his comedy.

00:58:49.000 I believe that.

00:58:49.000 And he thinks that it's good for your comedy to go up cold like that.

00:58:52.000 He likes to do it.

00:58:53.000 Oh, for sure.

00:58:54.000 You know, that's how they used to do it in Boston.

00:58:56.000 I was just talking to a buddy about this.

00:58:58.000 They used to do a night.

00:59:00.000 They would do Don Gavin's show.

00:59:02.000 And Don Gavin was a national headliner and one of the biggest acts in Boston.

00:59:06.000 And he would go on stage first.

00:59:09.000 And it was his show.

00:59:10.000 And he would be the host of the show.

00:59:11.000 And so he would bring up...

00:59:13.000 We're going to do Thursday Night at the Ice House again this week.

00:59:16.000 So if you're around...

00:59:17.000 Come on down, bitches, because it's a party.

00:59:18.000 It's an awesome show.

00:59:20.000 It's really, really intimate.

00:59:22.000 Only 85 seats.

00:59:23.000 And it sold out last week.

00:59:25.000 It'll probably sell out this week, too.

00:59:26.000 Who else is doing it, Brian?

00:59:27.000 I'm going to announce the whole lineup tomorrow, but John Reap is going to do it.

00:59:31.000 Your friend Yoshi's doing it.

00:59:32.000 And I got some other secrets.

00:59:34.000 That was so much fun.

00:59:35.000 Last week was a blast.

00:59:36.000 So fun.

00:59:36.000 So cool.

00:59:37.000 Yeah, they're the awesomest crowd.

00:59:38.000 Oh, the best.

00:59:39.000 Yeah, just the best.

00:59:41.000 They're on board from the first minute.

00:59:42.000 Yeah, they're so cool.

00:59:43.000 So cool.

00:59:44.000 That's the greatest joy to me is that whenever I go to comedy clubs, people always say how nice my crowds are, that they're nice and generous.

00:59:51.000 Absolutely.

00:59:51.000 I hear that all the time, everywhere.

00:59:53.000 They are.

00:59:53.000 People are so nice.

00:59:54.000 They tip.

00:59:55.000 They drink.

00:59:55.000 They're awesome.

00:59:55.000 They know how to drink.

00:59:56.000 They fucking keep it down.

00:59:58.000 They're not amateurs.

00:59:59.000 No.

01:00:00.000 But say this show that we're going to do Thursday night, if we were going to do it in Boston, I would go on first.

01:00:06.000 It would be like the Joe Rogan show, and I'd go up and I'd bring all these different people up, and then at the end, you'd do like 15 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever it is, and close it out.

01:00:14.000 So that's what the guys would do.

01:00:15.000 They would do a little bit in the beginning, and then they would fuck around.

01:00:18.000 In between each act, they would fuck around.

01:00:20.000 Do you want to do that Thursday?

01:00:21.000 No.

01:00:22.000 No, it's a ridiculous way to do it.

01:00:25.000 But does that take the steam away from being a headliner, then?

01:00:29.000 I think it does, a little bit.

01:00:30.000 Well, I think it takes the steam away from a set, because I want to see someone...

01:00:34.000 When I see a guy like Stan Hope or David Taylor or something like that, I want to see a 45-minute set plus.

01:00:39.000 I want to see an hour or something like that.

01:00:41.000 Because when you see a 45-minute set or an hour set, then you see a real set...

01:00:46.000 You get to fully sink in the experience of them shifting subjects and building momentum and changing gears, and it's all this one thing.

01:00:56.000 It's like seeing Avatar in two chunks.

01:00:59.000 You know what I mean?

01:01:00.000 You wouldn't want to do that.

01:01:01.000 It's a great movie, but you'd want to watch the whole thing.

01:01:03.000 It'd be just as good.

01:01:05.000 You'd probably enjoy it still if somebody put an Adam Sandler movie on for 20 minutes in the middle of Avatar.

01:01:11.000 But it wouldn't be the same.

01:01:12.000 I'm not ever calling my act Avatar.

01:01:14.000 But I think anything you do where you're fully, wholly concentrated on that moment, I think it would make it better.

01:01:22.000 Sure.

01:01:22.000 So I don't like doing it like that.

01:01:25.000 And don't you find that's the key?

01:01:27.000 I mean, we always talk about this, how some comedians become so...

01:01:32.000 Well loved and so successful.

01:01:34.000 Like Larry the Cable Guy, I love shit and dick jokes.

01:01:38.000 I'm not above any of that.

01:01:39.000 But I think his fans and people that love him just want to hang out with that guy.

01:01:44.000 Yeah, he seems real friendly.

01:01:46.000 Get it done.

01:01:47.000 It's fun.

01:01:48.000 You want to be around that guy for 45 minutes and be in his world.

01:01:52.000 It's not necessarily who's the best craftsman of the wording of the joke.

01:01:56.000 It's your essence.

01:01:57.000 That's totally true.

01:01:58.000 You as a human being.

01:01:59.000 Yeah, and I've heard people say that he's racist.

01:02:02.000 Is he?

01:02:03.000 Yeah, well, he has some jokes, some racial jokes, but what the fuck?

01:02:08.000 You know, this is the real issue.

01:02:09.000 The real issue is why we live in a world that everyone's so goddamn fucking sensitive.

01:02:12.000 You should be able to joke about everything and anything.

01:02:15.000 You know, especially these radical Muslim fucks.

01:02:17.000 These guys have really got everybody in a corner because you can't even draw Muhammad.

01:02:21.000 You draw Muhammad, they want to stab you.

01:02:23.000 Like, really, dude?

01:02:24.000 I'm going to draw your guy and you can't even draw him?

01:02:27.000 What if you draw him real good?

01:02:29.000 You know, it's like Leonardo da Vinci wants to draw Muhammad.

01:02:32.000 He can't?

01:02:32.000 You're going to shoot him?

01:02:33.000 Come on, bro.

01:02:34.000 That's ridiculous.

01:02:35.000 You guys are being ridiculous.

01:02:37.000 When you cut humor out of the equation, when your society is humorless, when there's things that are off subject, you cut out all lines of inquiry.

01:02:46.000 You cut out real observing.

01:02:50.000 And then you force everybody to sort of subscribe to a predetermined pattern of behavior that's politically correct.

01:02:56.000 Because unless you can tell jokes about shit, then I don't know.

01:02:59.000 You might tell a joke about something that's absolutely horrible and it's not funny at all, but in trying, you test the waters.

01:03:06.000 And sometimes there's some preposterous shit going on and if you say people can't joke about it and then one guy does joke about it and fucking knocks it out of the park and everybody's howling, guess what?

01:03:17.000 That guy that joked about it's got a point.

01:03:19.000 And you might not want to deal with that point because you're living in a fucking fantasy world where you want everybody to not talk about your particular subject.

01:03:26.000 You know, whatever the fuck it is.

01:03:28.000 Whatever it is.

01:03:28.000 Whatever taboo you got going on inside your head.

01:03:31.000 Whether it's religion or sexual or whatever.

01:03:35.000 Whether it's, you know, saying certain words or whether it's, you know, saying you don't believe in God.

01:03:39.000 Whatever the fuck it is.

01:03:40.000 If you say that someone can't draw Muhammad and someone can't make a South Park, they couldn't even make a cartoon where they pretended they were going to draw Muhammad.

01:03:48.000 I mean, what was the full extent of this?

01:03:50.000 Muhammad was actually on South Park.

01:03:52.000 But he was...

01:03:52.000 In the early days, before this happened.

01:03:54.000 Yeah.

01:03:55.000 And then the second one, he was a black bar.

01:03:57.000 But then they stopped him from putting Muhammad on again.

01:04:00.000 Right?

01:04:01.000 And they made him do it like Muhammad was a teddy bear.

01:04:04.000 Oh, right.

01:04:04.000 Yeah, he was a weird-looking teddy bear.

01:04:06.000 Yeah.

01:04:07.000 Something like that.

01:04:07.000 I can't remember.

01:04:08.000 But it was some ridiculous shit where they were being threatened.

01:04:11.000 Weren't they?

01:04:11.000 Like, you know those guys.

01:04:12.000 Yeah, but I don't remember that.

01:04:14.000 That was a while ago.

01:04:14.000 They were being threatened.

01:04:16.000 And I know that one...

01:04:17.000 People have been killed for it.

01:04:18.000 And it was that one woman that had to change her identity because she tried to make a certain day draw Muhammad Day.

01:04:25.000 Yeah.

01:04:26.000 Yeah.

01:04:26.000 You know, and she kind of went deep with it and thought she was being cute.

01:04:30.000 And they're like, bitch, we'll cut your fucking head off.

01:04:32.000 Yeah.

01:04:32.000 You know, you want to play cute?

01:04:34.000 My appeal to my radical Muslim friends, please.

01:04:37.000 The path that you're taking by cutting people's heads off for drawing your guy is not the good one.

01:04:42.000 You don't need to concentrate on such silly things.

01:04:45.000 This is a crazy way of doing it.

01:04:46.000 Of course.

01:04:47.000 But the problem is, man, that part of the world has a lot of shit in its environment that has been there for 10,000 years.

01:04:55.000 And it's very difficult to change things.

01:04:57.000 The best way to change things is the way America changed things, by moving.

01:05:02.000 Everybody moved here a few hundred years ago from somewhere else, and then this was the next stage of change.

01:05:08.000 Right.

01:05:08.000 But if you live in a place where there's not that much physical change over the hundreds and hundreds of years...

01:05:16.000 Have you been to Afghanistan?

01:05:16.000 No, I haven't.

01:05:17.000 It's the Middle Ages there.

01:05:19.000 I was there in July, and it's literally just like shitty brick walls and just like mud huts and then the woman in the burqa.

01:05:26.000 And if your husband really loves you, he builds a wall.

01:05:30.000 Around your backyard, so the wife doesn't have to wear a burka while she's doing chores in the backyard.

01:05:35.000 It's like, it's the year 1300 there.

01:05:37.000 Holy shit.

01:05:39.000 Very, yeah.

01:05:39.000 I have a buddy that went over there and he said they catch men fucking boys all the time.

01:05:44.000 That's right, yeah, that's what they say.

01:05:45.000 What about, tell them the oil rig off of Iraq, Iran, the oil rig?

01:05:50.000 Oh, yeah, man.

01:05:52.000 I did a show in between Iran and Iraq on an oil rig, an oil platform.

01:05:56.000 It was a mile long, half Iraqi soldiers and half U.S. Marines, and the Marines were teaching the Iraqis to guard their oil.

01:06:06.000 And so I was sleeping on this tanker, and it smelled of gasoline all night.

01:06:10.000 And you would see the...

01:06:12.000 Not armpits?

01:06:13.000 Well, they stink, too.

01:06:15.000 Yeah, boy, oh boy.

01:06:16.000 But you would see spy ships roll up.

01:06:18.000 Anyway, I got to tour the Iraqi barracks.

01:06:21.000 You see spy ships?

01:06:22.000 Yeah, they try to...

01:06:23.000 Iran would pull up their tanker.

01:06:26.000 What?

01:06:27.000 Yeah, and they would have the word Iran on the side of the boat, but then they would black it out with black paint.

01:06:33.000 Like, we are not Iran!

01:06:34.000 We are not Iran!

01:06:35.000 Come on, really?

01:06:36.000 Yeah, I have pictures.

01:06:37.000 I will show you the pictures.

01:06:38.000 So they pull up to this...

01:06:39.000 This used to be Iran shit, and we sold it to somebody else.

01:06:41.000 This oil rig.

01:06:42.000 So they're spying on us, training the Iraqis, and I got to tour the Iraqi barracks.

01:06:49.000 And it's...

01:06:50.000 First of all, I mean, it's just...

01:06:51.000 It's completely...

01:06:52.000 Look, we're really great at being military.

01:06:55.000 The Americans have that shit down.

01:06:56.000 Like, the Marine Corps is...

01:06:58.000 We're fucking real.

01:06:59.000 And they have barracks.

01:07:01.000 They're just wires loose, water bottles loose...

01:07:04.000 They would take shits, they hang their ass over the oil platform, take a shit in the water, and then fish in the water they just shit in, and then eat the fish.

01:07:15.000 There's a lot of water.

01:07:16.000 I doubt that shit's going to have an impact.

01:07:17.000 I don't know, man.

01:07:19.000 Come on.

01:07:19.000 All the seasoning those guys eat, it probably tastes pretty good.

01:07:23.000 Yeah.

01:07:24.000 But it's not bright to fish where you shit.

01:07:27.000 I really don't think they can shit that much to have an impact on the ocean.

01:07:30.000 Shitting aside, they take some really big dumps just in.

01:07:33.000 But sitting aside, what else?

01:07:35.000 Well, actually, when you think about it, how many guys are there?

01:07:37.000 Well, here's another thing.

01:07:39.000 How many guys were on the...

01:07:40.000 50 guys?

01:07:41.000 100 guys?

01:07:41.000 No, more than that.

01:07:42.000 More?

01:07:42.000 500?

01:07:43.000 Yes.

01:07:44.000 Oh, that's a lot of shit.

01:07:45.000 That's a lot of shit.

01:07:46.000 That might have an impact after a few months.

01:07:48.000 Especially, well, here's the thing, too, is, like, if you're...

01:07:50.000 If you shit, like, right now, and I'm just like...

01:07:53.000 And then you cast a line.

01:07:54.000 You gotta cast it away from where you shit.

01:07:56.000 You gotta, like, keep a map.

01:07:58.000 Where'd you shit last night?

01:07:59.000 Oh, right here.

01:07:59.000 Right here.

01:08:00.000 It's a spot.

01:08:00.000 Don't fish there.

01:08:01.000 Wait, but can I tell you the grossest part?

01:08:03.000 Okay, so I went to their rent, and they had mattresses that were folded, dirty, dirty mattresses up against this wall.

01:08:11.000 And I was like, what are the mattresses for?

01:08:13.000 And the guy was like, well, it's a thing called Man Love Thursdays, because Thursday is, or Friday, I forget what it is.

01:08:20.000 And these days they put the mattresses down.

01:08:22.000 And then the guys, they fuck each other on the mattresses.

01:08:26.000 And I know, I mean, who knows if that's just like us being douchebags.

01:08:30.000 I don't know.

01:08:31.000 But he also said that he broke up fights where one guy...

01:08:34.000 Wait a minute, what?

01:08:35.000 Who knows if that's like us being douchebags?

01:08:38.000 I'm saying like Americans being like, and then the Iraqis are a bunch of homos.

01:08:41.000 So they could be joking around about fucking each other, right?

01:08:43.000 But then I had a commander tell me a story where he had an Iraqi soldier pound on his door at 2 in the morning...

01:08:48.000 And the guy had bite marks on his back, and he was bleeding from these bite marks.

01:08:55.000 And finally, the commander deduced that he thinks some guy was trying to fuck him, and he wasn't allowing, and the guy bit his back.

01:09:04.000 So, you know, the homosexuality, from my understanding, is that it's situational homosexuality, where, like, because they can't date women, and you have to just get married, that, you know, they choose men because of the situation they're in.

01:09:17.000 What the fuck?

01:09:18.000 Fuck!

01:09:18.000 And it's not gay.

01:09:19.000 It's not considered gay.

01:09:20.000 What?

01:09:21.000 It's just sex.

01:09:22.000 Come on, that's not gay.

01:09:24.000 It's totally not gay.

01:09:24.000 So they don't consider themselves gay, they just consider themselves really into fucking.

01:09:29.000 Yeah, you're just...

01:09:30.000 Anything and anything.

01:09:31.000 Just whatever, yeah, whatever happens.

01:09:32.000 Everything that comes along, they stick their dick in, including dudes who don't want it.

01:09:36.000 Well, yeah, in places like Saudi, I've been there too.

01:09:40.000 Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's prevalent.

01:09:42.000 Let's take a shit off the edge and then fish.

01:09:45.000 And then lay on the mattress and fuck each other.

01:09:47.000 What a weird world.

01:09:49.000 And it is, and it's so foreign.

01:09:51.000 And as a Westerner, I try to be open-minded and wrap my head around their culture.

01:09:56.000 And there are certain ways they treat women that I'm just like...

01:09:59.000 Yo, I'm not cool.

01:09:59.000 What's really strange is that as far as we know, and there's a lot of debate about when the beginning of civilization was, but as far as we can tell, it was there.

01:10:09.000 As far as we can tell, it was in Iraq.

01:10:12.000 Really?

01:10:12.000 Sumer, Mesopotamia, yeah, that's where the first written language, first mathematics were attributed to these guys.

01:10:18.000 Yes, I know that.

01:10:19.000 Any knowledge whatsoever of astronomy or astrology.

01:10:22.000 They had the constellations mapped out.

01:10:24.000 They had different astrological signs.

01:10:27.000 They had 13, I believe, instead of 12.

01:10:29.000 Is that correct?

01:10:30.000 I think there's something like that.

01:10:32.000 Anyway, I don't remember how many there are, but the point was that these people had this really amazingly advanced civilization 10,000 years ago.

01:10:41.000 And today, it's more advanced than it was then, but they still have a really suppressive, ancient-style culture.

01:10:51.000 And it's really kind of weird to see this combination of modern technology, extreme wealth in places like Dubai and the United Arab Emirates, and extreme wealth.

01:11:02.000 But also this like weird, you know, with the modern stuff and this weird ancient stuff.

01:11:07.000 You know, like the whole thing about, you know, just the laws of Islam, the women wearing perkas and all of that crazy.

01:11:15.000 I mean, when did that start?

01:11:16.000 Well, it's a theocracy.

01:11:18.000 You have to understand that even in the Gulf countries that are more progressive, like, you know, the United Arab Emirates, where Dubai is, like, there's places you can drink a beer for expats, not the Muslims, because they don't drink.

01:11:30.000 But, I mean, you'll be in a McDonald's, and you'll hear a call to prayer, and the expectation is that you gotta...

01:11:36.000 Put down your McRibs.

01:11:37.000 Really?

01:11:37.000 Stop, drop, and roll.

01:11:38.000 Yeah, like, you gotta get down.

01:11:39.000 Who calls to prayer?

01:11:40.000 No, the mosques, you hear it five times a day.

01:11:43.000 The first time I heard it, I didn't even know what that sound was.

01:11:46.000 It's terrifying.

01:11:48.000 It's like, oh, and you're like, what the fuck is happening?

01:11:51.000 So you could think it's like the end of civilization.

01:11:52.000 Yeah, and it sounds like you just want to cover your ears and just cry, and that's their call to prayer, so you just don't know what the fuck's happening.

01:12:01.000 It's like Red State.

01:12:02.000 A lot of people think that there's something to having some sort of an extreme discipline along those lines.

01:12:08.000 That it does keep people in line and facilitates family and it facilitates companionship.

01:12:13.000 It's possible.

01:12:14.000 It doesn't always, obviously, if they're fucking little kids in the ass.

01:12:17.000 I don't know.

01:12:18.000 Biting people in the back.

01:12:20.000 It's not everybody across the board, but the idea that some intense form of study like Islam or like Buddhism or like Christianity or like anything where you really get involved in the practice of some intense discipline and some intense study.

01:12:35.000 Especially if you have strict enforcement That's really the key.

01:12:38.000 That's the key right there, man.

01:12:39.000 When you have, like, you know, in Iran, where they have the religious police, in addition to...

01:12:45.000 Oh, yeah.

01:12:45.000 Or if you go to Saudi Arabia, they have that.

01:12:49.000 They have, like, religious police.

01:12:51.000 Yeah, we had somebody who was...

01:12:53.000 Old Soviet Union.

01:12:54.000 Who wasn't going to get...

01:12:54.000 Oh, they haven't.

01:12:56.000 ...arrested.

01:12:56.000 Oh, I almost...

01:12:57.000 In Ramadan, I was there during their holy month of Ramadan.

01:13:01.000 I was in the back of a van drinking a bottle of water, and the Marine I was with was like, what the...

01:13:07.000 We're on the freeway.

01:13:08.000 If someone sees you on the freeway drinking water when the sun is still up during Ramadan, they can report you to the religious police, and as a Westerner, they'll throw you in jail.

01:13:17.000 And that's in the hip city of Dubai.

01:13:20.000 And you get sent to jail for like two months, and it's like a $3,000 penalty.

01:13:26.000 And they don't feed you.

01:13:27.000 They don't feed you.

01:13:28.000 So your relatives have to come and feed you if you have the misfortune of getting put into jail.

01:13:33.000 Oh my god.

01:13:33.000 In the Middle East.

01:13:34.000 So I don't know why.

01:13:35.000 They don't feed you?

01:13:36.000 And I don't know why they're plugging Dubai as this like wild west, this like Vegas of the Middle East.

01:13:41.000 It's still Muslim, you guys.

01:13:43.000 Like it's not.

01:13:44.000 It enraged me to see Sex and the City 2 taking place in like Abu Dhabi.

01:13:49.000 Like are you kidding me?

01:13:50.000 Like this is not a place for you guys to go party.

01:13:53.000 For you to be an old slut.

01:13:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:13:55.000 Don't old slut it out.

01:13:56.000 There's a lot of women that got really confused thinking that old sluttiness was acceptable and not sad.

01:14:03.000 And not sad.

01:14:04.000 You know, that woman's not sad.

01:14:06.000 She's a fucking panther.

01:14:08.000 She's out there having a good time.

01:14:10.000 She's hot.

01:14:10.000 You go, girl.

01:14:11.000 And all these women with broken vaginas lined up to see this fucking crap.

01:14:15.000 I know.

01:14:16.000 You get them all confused.

01:14:17.000 Sloppy tits.

01:14:18.000 It's just like Clint Eastwood had people thinking they can keep an orangutan as a pet.

01:14:23.000 You can't fucking do that, man.

01:14:24.000 That thing will rip your arms off and stuff them up your nose.

01:14:27.000 Is that the best?

01:14:28.000 Did you hear about that guy with the hippo?

01:14:30.000 No!

01:14:31.000 You didn't hear about this guy?

01:14:32.000 I saw something about it.

01:14:33.000 It's a guy who's famous on the internet for having a pet hippo that he rides.

01:14:37.000 He actually rides his hippo.

01:14:39.000 He found it when it was a cub, raised it its whole life.

01:14:41.000 Well, it finally fucking killed him.

01:14:43.000 Alright!

01:14:44.000 Yeah, there you go.

01:14:45.000 This poor fucking silly cunt.

01:14:48.000 Ha ha ha!

01:14:50.000 It's killed by the animal, shocker, that kills more people in Africa than any animal.

01:14:55.000 The hippo does?

01:14:56.000 More than a tiger or something?

01:14:59.000 Oh yeah, dude.

01:14:59.000 Really?

01:15:00.000 Yeah, tigers are actually in Asia.

01:15:02.000 Angry animals.

01:15:02.000 But they bite people in fucking half, man.

01:15:05.000 I didn't know that.

01:15:06.000 They're actually like a type, well, I think they're somehow another like cousins to a pig.

01:15:11.000 They used to think they were really closely related, but now they think there's some dispute in that.

01:15:15.000 They're like dinosaurs, right?

01:15:16.000 They're old as fuck.

01:15:17.000 What they are is this giant fucking animal that is super aggressive and really mean and just bit the fuck out of this guy and they found his corpse mauled in the water.

01:15:29.000 But he thought it was cute that he used to ride this thing.

01:15:31.000 Weird that you can't grow up with an animal from an early age and it would not fall in love with you, that it would still do this.

01:15:40.000 It's kind of weird still in some ways, I think.

01:15:42.000 People get aggressive with people and they hit people.

01:15:45.000 Brothers and sisters hit each other and they don't have enough strength to hurt each other.

01:15:49.000 But if your brother was a fucking gorilla, an 800-pound gorilla, and you were a two-month-old baby and your brother got mad at you and just fucking clubbed you in the head, he would kill you.

01:15:57.000 Right.

01:15:57.000 The problem is, you know, when babies get mad at each other, well, they're both babies, and they really don't have much impact to their slaps.

01:16:03.000 This is a completely different thing, this hippo.

01:16:05.000 This hippo got mad like this.

01:16:07.000 For a moment.

01:16:07.000 This guy's probably an annoying douchebag.

01:16:09.000 Why is he riding his hippo in the first place, right?

01:16:11.000 Trying to ever fed him.

01:16:12.000 This guy's fucking crazy.

01:16:13.000 He's a crazy person.

01:16:15.000 This is not what you're supposed to do.

01:16:16.000 Everybody knows that you're not supposed to fucking even make contact with these things.

01:16:20.000 Was this guy bald, by the way?

01:16:22.000 No, he's a big guy, too.

01:16:23.000 What city was it in?

01:16:23.000 I was going to say, maybe I was a marble.

01:16:25.000 Oh, that's a good question.

01:16:25.000 I think it was in South Africa.

01:16:27.000 Hungry, hungry hippo.

01:16:29.000 Yeah, why do people need exotic pets?

01:16:31.000 Why?

01:16:31.000 Why must you have...

01:16:32.000 You guys saw the guy in Ohio, right?

01:16:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:16:36.000 The crazy guy who had all those animals who killed himself.

01:16:39.000 Let all the animals free and then killed himself.

01:16:42.000 At least that guy had them in cages.

01:16:46.000 And that guy they knew was a fucking...

01:16:47.000 He was a loose cannon.

01:16:49.000 They said that he had threatened to do that before.

01:16:51.000 They had an issue with the cops.

01:16:53.000 He's like, oh, let these fucking animals go.

01:16:57.000 Oh, boy.

01:16:58.000 He's a crazy asshole.

01:16:58.000 What did he have?

01:16:59.000 What was in his...

01:17:00.000 What I was going to say, though, is that this hippopotamus might not even want to kill him.

01:17:04.000 He might have gotten mad.

01:17:05.000 He wanted to bite him like he would bite another hippopotamus.

01:17:08.000 Like, get off me, bitch!

01:17:09.000 Stop riding me!

01:17:10.000 I want to fucking rest!

01:17:11.000 But when you do that to a little flimsy-ass person, they break and they die.

01:17:16.000 There's a video that Brian turned me on to of lions trying to kill a hippo, and it's the craziest thing ever.

01:17:21.000 They can't kill it.

01:17:22.000 They're jumping on this thing, biting it.

01:17:23.000 It's kind of fucked up, and the hippo's just, like, getting mad.

01:17:25.000 Like, get off me, bitch.

01:17:26.000 But they keep biting him.

01:17:28.000 They can't kill it.

01:17:29.000 He's, like, armored.

01:17:30.000 And what they're doing is biting through his spine slowly.

01:17:34.000 That's how they're killing him.

01:17:35.000 They're choosing to pick a spot on his spine, and they're pulling chunks of it out.

01:17:39.000 And he's, like, barely noticing that they're there.

01:17:41.000 That's not an animal you want to fuck with.

01:17:45.000 But as human beings, we're actually quite vulnerable in the wild.

01:17:49.000 Our only protection is our brains, right?

01:17:51.000 We don't really have much going.

01:17:53.000 We don't have an exoskeleton.

01:17:55.000 I always say, think about a fucking house cat.

01:17:57.000 Think of a house cat.

01:17:58.000 If a house cat wants to kill you, could you imagine?

01:18:01.000 Could you imagine what that's like?

01:18:02.000 Have you ever been around a feral cat?

01:18:04.000 A wild cat?

01:18:04.000 I have, yeah.

01:18:05.000 They're scary as fuck, dude.

01:18:06.000 They're scary.

01:18:07.000 They're really terrifying.

01:18:09.000 I've been around feral cats that I thought were going to attack me, and it is a dangerous moment.

01:18:14.000 Like, where you're like, this thing can do some fucking damage.

01:18:16.000 It can jump all the way up to your face, easily.

01:18:18.000 A cat can easily jump right up your face and bite your fucking face.

01:18:22.000 Imagine a wild cat, claws digging into your head, won't let go, biting your face and kicking with its back leg.

01:18:28.000 That's absolutely frightening.

01:18:30.000 And they're tiny.

01:18:31.000 They're tiny.

01:18:31.000 You saw my little cat, my little spaz?

01:18:33.000 What does she weigh?

01:18:34.000 Does she weigh like three pounds or something?

01:18:36.000 I have a...

01:18:36.000 But if she wanted to fuck me up, that would be terrifying.

01:18:38.000 She'd kill you.

01:18:39.000 In Boston.

01:18:39.000 Scary!

01:18:40.000 I lived in Boston for a summer one time, and I was staying with my friend on a first-floor apartment, and I slept on the couch, and the couch was right next to the first-floor windows.

01:18:50.000 They would open the window, and it had a screen, and there was a neighborhood, feral, crazy, maniac, fucking, like, emotionally unadjusted cat that would, when I'm chilling, just laying there, it would jump up onto the screen and go like...

01:19:06.000 Oh, God.

01:19:07.000 Like that.

01:19:07.000 And I would jump up.

01:19:09.000 I would levitate.

01:19:10.000 Like jump up off the thing.

01:19:11.000 And it would just sit there and scream with its claws in and a crazy look in its eye.

01:19:16.000 I would have fucking near heart effects.

01:19:18.000 You know about that toxoplasma, that parasite that a lot of feral cats have?

01:19:23.000 It's in our nails, yeah?

01:19:24.000 Well, it's in there.

01:19:25.000 No, it's a rat parasite.

01:19:27.000 It starts out in rats, and it hijacks a rat's sexual reward system and gets these rats attracted to the smell of cat piss.

01:19:36.000 So the rats go around the cats, the cats eat the rats, the cats get it, and then the cats give it to people.

01:19:42.000 Usually from feces, from stepping in their shit or dropping your food in their shit and you pick it up.

01:19:48.000 Yeah, and it affects the human brain.

01:19:51.000 It affects the way people behave.

01:19:53.000 It makes men more impulsive.

01:19:55.000 It's responsible for a disproportionate number of motorcycle accidents.

01:19:59.000 They check people that are crashing motorcycles.

01:20:02.000 Really?

01:20:02.000 And they find out that a lot of them are infected with this toxoplasma shit.

01:20:05.000 And in Europe, it's really prevalent.

01:20:07.000 Anywhere there's a lot of wild cats, it's really prevalent.

01:20:10.000 Like Europe and France, 80% of the people are infected with toxoplasma.

01:20:14.000 No kidding.

01:20:14.000 Yes, 80. In America, it's over 60 million.

01:20:17.000 It's really crazy.

01:20:18.000 But that cat might have had that.

01:20:20.000 It might have been just nuts.

01:20:21.000 I can't even describe how terrifying it was.

01:20:24.000 I don't think they've even mapped out the behavior, the behavioral change that it has in cats.

01:20:29.000 Because I've only heard about the behavioral change in humans and rats, which is really interesting.

01:20:33.000 I've never heard anything.

01:20:35.000 There's a guy named Robert Sapolsky that's the leading scientist on all this shit, and he's got some amazing videos on it.

01:20:41.000 And you know, he goes into depth about how they really are just sort of wrapping their head around this, the extent of the infiltration of this parasite into human beings.

01:20:52.000 I mean, it's like, it might be like half the population of the Earth.

01:20:56.000 We're infecting.

01:20:56.000 It's really crazy, yeah.

01:20:58.000 Because in Brazil, it's 60%.

01:20:59.000 In France, it's 80%.

01:21:01.000 It's really high in a lot of different places in South America.

01:21:05.000 And like I said, over 60 million, that's the estimate.

01:21:08.000 People don't even know.

01:21:09.000 We always talk about it.

01:21:11.000 What if I had it?

01:21:12.000 I was around a cat when I was young.

01:21:14.000 I had a feral cat that I raised.

01:21:17.000 And Brian's been around cats his whole life.

01:21:19.000 Joey Diaz has like 11 cats.

01:21:21.000 Right.

01:21:21.000 Well, Joey has 11 cats, and a lot of them were wild.

01:21:24.000 He used to take wild cats in and feed wild cats outside.

01:21:26.000 Wait, what could that do to you, though?

01:21:28.000 We don't know.

01:21:28.000 Fucks with your brain, man.

01:21:30.000 Yeah, you know, your immune system is supposed to keep most of it in check, you know, if you have a healthy immune system, but they don't know, really.

01:21:37.000 I mean, it affects people in different ways.

01:21:39.000 Gives you huge dicks.

01:21:40.000 Yeah.

01:21:41.000 Could you imagine?

01:21:41.000 Everybody's just racing and hanging around with cats.

01:21:44.000 Cats just gave you a huge ruthless dick.

01:21:47.000 Imagine if it wasn't Viagra that you needed.

01:21:49.000 It was just you've got to be around a lot of cat shit.

01:21:51.000 Yeah.

01:21:52.000 Guys would be eating cat shit by litter box.

01:21:54.000 This is what happens, bro.

01:21:56.000 Here's the good news and here's the bad news.

01:21:57.000 The good news is it makes your dick bigger and stronger.

01:22:00.000 Okay, what's the bad news?

01:22:01.000 The bad news is you become a crazy person.

01:22:05.000 Your brain is eating itself.

01:22:06.000 Your brain is infected with a cat parasite.

01:22:09.000 I heard a lot of people say this cat parasite is not that bad.

01:22:12.000 That's what people say.

01:22:14.000 If the positive was your dick got bigger and was hard at will.

01:22:17.000 If your dick was like a rhino horn that you could always call upon.

01:22:21.000 That hippo story reminded me of that asshole with the bears.

01:22:25.000 Oh, Grizzly Man.

01:22:26.000 Oh, I love that.

01:22:27.000 Isn't that the best comedy ever?

01:22:29.000 Tommy and I saw that in the theater and we laughed so hard.

01:22:32.000 That kind of cemented our relationship.

01:22:34.000 It did.

01:22:35.000 Did it really?

01:22:36.000 Well, there was a moment.

01:22:37.000 I loved it.

01:22:38.000 We watched that documentary in the theater.

01:22:41.000 There was 40 or 50 people there.

01:22:43.000 And we were the assholes that were like, look how fucking dumb this guy.

01:22:46.000 Like the whole time.

01:22:48.000 And then there was a scene, well, I'll never forget, where they interviewed a pilot that would fly Timothy out there.

01:22:54.000 Yeah.

01:22:55.000 And the place is quiet, and we're sitting there watching, and they go, what did you think when you would drop him off and he told you he was going to be with bears for months?

01:23:04.000 And the guy goes, well, honestly, I thought he was retarded.

01:23:08.000 And we laughed so loud.

01:23:11.000 And everybody in the theater was just like...

01:23:15.000 Where'd you guys see it?

01:23:17.000 Like the Lemley.

01:23:18.000 I saw that in Hollywood and the whole theater was laughing.

01:23:23.000 Really?

01:23:23.000 I saw it in a great theater.

01:23:25.000 Everybody thought it was funny.

01:23:26.000 I think I saw it with Eddie.

01:23:28.000 We were blazed, of course.

01:23:30.000 And every moment of the movie was hilarious.

01:23:33.000 It was like a goddamn comedy.

01:23:35.000 When he was playing with the shit...

01:23:37.000 Oh look!

01:23:39.000 This came out of her butt!

01:23:41.000 This came out of her butt!

01:23:42.000 We watched it with some stuck up people for sure.

01:23:45.000 We were laughing so hard and that place felt like it was like...

01:23:49.000 Is Pasadena stuffy?

01:23:50.000 I think the Lemley crowd generally is there.

01:23:53.000 I need to move to Pasadena.

01:23:55.000 Be close to the ice house.

01:23:56.000 Get myself a mansion out there.

01:23:57.000 For sure.

01:23:58.000 Shit, yeah.

01:23:59.000 Adina's where it's at.

01:24:00.000 I like it.

01:24:00.000 It's what the San Fernando Valley intended to be.

01:24:02.000 I grew up in the valley.

01:24:03.000 Yeah.

01:24:04.000 But they wanted it to be like Pasadena.

01:24:06.000 Yeah, Pasadena's better.

01:24:07.000 Yeah, some hearts are good in the valley, but some are, you know...

01:24:10.000 Well, whenever we do the Ice House there, we're like, people are fucking really genuinely nice out here.

01:24:13.000 It doesn't feel like L.A., It feels like a different town.

01:24:16.000 The homeless people are all old ladies, too.

01:24:19.000 There's no homeless guys.

01:24:20.000 They're all old ladies, and they make these forts, and they're so nicely folded, like blankets and cans are folded.

01:24:27.000 That's sad shit, dude.

01:24:28.000 It really makes me feel really bad when I see some woman, and I see her out there on her own.

01:24:34.000 I don't know why.

01:24:35.000 Kills me, too.

01:24:37.000 I feel like some old guy.

01:24:38.000 Like, take care of yourself, stupid.

01:24:40.000 You know?

01:24:43.000 Take care of yourself, stupid.

01:24:44.000 I see an old woman and I feel terrible.

01:24:46.000 Don't you hate seeing old, like, I'm talking older people doing, like, having, like, jobs?

01:24:51.000 Looking at your garbage?

01:24:52.000 No, no, like, when you see, like, clearly somebody in their 70s, like...

01:24:57.000 Just having any job, really.

01:24:59.000 Sometimes they like that, though.

01:25:01.000 My mom retired and they went back to work at a fucking Amish restaurant gift shop just because she was bored out of her mind.

01:25:07.000 Well, that's different.

01:25:08.000 She's getting like $6 an hour.

01:25:10.000 You can see it on someone's face.

01:25:11.000 You can see when they're like, I gotta do this to get by.

01:25:15.000 You're like, fuck.

01:25:16.000 Yeah, that sucks.

01:25:16.000 Well, you know, it sucks because you also imagine yourself doing that.

01:25:20.000 Of course.

01:25:21.000 When you're tired and old and you really should be resting and enjoying your last days on this planet before you're fucking transitioning to the afterlife.

01:25:28.000 But now you got a fucking hat on.

01:25:30.000 You're working at Chuck E. Cheese.

01:25:32.000 You know, hey kids, what do you want?

01:25:33.000 You want a special?

01:25:34.000 You want pizza?

01:25:35.000 Do you want to try the daily double dose of cheese and hoppers?

01:25:39.000 But I felt bad for my parents' generation because they really got fucked in this recession.

01:25:44.000 A lot of people that are planning on retiring can't do that now.

01:25:47.000 They worked their whole goddamn life and now what?

01:25:50.000 Yeah, there's a guy who lives down the street from me that was trying to build a house.

01:25:54.000 He had this whole...

01:25:55.000 He had a plot picked out, a really nice spot with a beautiful view and everything, and he was putting all his money towards this, and the fucking stock market crashed.

01:26:04.000 All the bullshit went down.

01:26:07.000 The economy shit the bed.

01:26:08.000 It's so crazy.

01:26:08.000 He lost his savings.

01:26:11.000 He lost everything.

01:26:12.000 He lost the whole pile.

01:26:13.000 He just has this lot, this beautiful lot that represents his dreams.

01:26:19.000 That will never take place.

01:26:21.000 And he's an older guy, man.

01:26:22.000 He's not going to be around that much longer.

01:26:24.000 That really sucks.

01:26:25.000 It just kills me, dude.

01:26:25.000 There are people that retired at exactly the right moment.

01:26:29.000 You know what I mean?

01:26:30.000 There are people who got their money out when it was at its peak.

01:26:33.000 And then there were people who were like...

01:26:35.000 Literally, it's like a cliche buddy cop movie.

01:26:40.000 They're like, I'm retiring next year.

01:26:42.000 And you're like, that guy...

01:26:44.000 Just from sticking around like till May or whatever it was, like lost his net worth and completely changed his fucking life.

01:26:53.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:26:54.000 A lot of people planned on everything staying the same.

01:26:57.000 They're like, we just got it.

01:26:59.000 We're just about to escape here.

01:27:01.000 And boom, the floor falls out.

01:27:03.000 And not only are you out of a job, Not only do you no longer have a pension, but, oh, guess what?

01:27:09.000 You can't afford your house anymore.

01:27:10.000 Oh, whoa, you're almost homeless.

01:27:12.000 Oh, look at this.

01:27:12.000 Now you're sleeping at your friend's house.

01:27:14.000 Like, holy shit.

01:27:15.000 You have your kids and your wife and you're staying at someone else's house.

01:27:19.000 And you're in their basement all huddled up together.

01:27:21.000 And you're like, holy fuck, I can't find a job.

01:27:24.000 Mm-hmm.

01:27:24.000 Boom.

01:27:25.000 That's what's happening to a lot of people, man.

01:27:27.000 There's a lot of people out there that it just stopped.

01:27:30.000 Like, the machine stopped.

01:27:33.000 Everybody's like, what's going on?

01:27:34.000 Where are the jobs?

01:27:35.000 There are no jobs.

01:27:35.000 There's no jobs?

01:27:36.000 Have you been to Ohio?

01:27:37.000 I mean, I do.

01:27:38.000 There's a few clubs in Ohio, like Toledo and Cleveland.

01:27:41.000 They keep hearing about Cleveland.

01:27:42.000 Yeah, and it's so sad, because you just see it.

01:27:45.000 There's nothing for people to do.

01:27:46.000 Detroit, you really see it.

01:27:48.000 I know everyone talks about it, but I did Detroit twice this year, and like...

01:27:52.000 You know, the club isn't actually improper to it, but you fly in there.

01:27:56.000 Ann Arbor, that club?

01:27:57.000 No, I did the Comedy Castle, which is a suburb of it.

01:28:01.000 Oh, okay.

01:28:02.000 It's Livonia or something.

01:28:03.000 But you drive through it, and the fucked up part is actually, I think, seeing the industry places that have closed.

01:28:10.000 That used to be this factory, and then...

01:28:13.000 All the windows are broken out.

01:28:15.000 Holy shit, that's a place that 2,000 people or whatever used to work at.

01:28:19.000 It's just gone.

01:28:20.000 You've ever seen those videos where they drive down whole huge, just mile after mile of abandoned houses?

01:28:27.000 It's like craziness.

01:28:28.000 It really does look like some Mad Max shit.

01:28:31.000 It looks like, what comes next?

01:28:34.000 What is this like?

01:28:35.000 This is a large scale.

01:28:36.000 It's goddamn Detroit.

01:28:38.000 Detroit, Rock City.

01:28:39.000 It's where Mustangs come from.

01:28:41.000 It's where Corvettes come from.

01:28:43.000 Sort of the Bowling Green Kentucky now.

01:28:45.000 But you know what I'm saying?

01:28:46.000 It's like, that's where, you know, cars, American cars were built.

01:28:49.000 Dude, my dad worked at the Chrysler factory.

01:28:52.000 When we moved to Canada, it was his first job.

01:28:54.000 The Chrysler factory.

01:28:55.000 I don't know if it's there anymore.

01:28:57.000 It's probably in Mongolia.

01:28:58.000 Can I tell you what?

01:28:59.000 I just heard this guy on NPR. He wrote a book about how this generation of kids, you know your mom always told you, be a doctor, be a lawyer, be an accountant, because those jobs, you always have a job.

01:29:10.000 Well, not now, because you can outsource that.

01:29:12.000 You want your taxes done cheap?

01:29:13.000 You can send them to a guy in India that knows tax law.

01:29:17.000 Same with everything else.

01:29:18.000 So this generation, they're going to have to get creative in terms of how they think, create their own jobs, create their own way of making money.

01:29:26.000 Those Those days are slowly dwindling down, those trade jobs.

01:29:31.000 Yeah, well also when you have the internet and you're sending files, it doesn't matter if you send a file to the accountant up the street or if you send a file to a guy on the other side of the world.

01:29:38.000 Oh yeah.

01:29:39.000 If he's willing to do it cheaper, yeah.

01:29:42.000 It's a fucking very strange time.

01:29:44.000 Just be a mechanic.

01:29:44.000 A mechanic's good.

01:29:45.000 The real problem is right now we are slowly being forced to live the reality that the rest of the world has been operating under for the past few decades.

01:29:53.000 decades.

01:29:53.000 That's really what's going on.

01:29:55.000 You know, and everybody was like, you know, America is not a third world country, you know?

01:29:59.000 Yeah.

01:29:59.000 Well, when everything becomes the same, guess what?

01:30:02.000 Yeah.

01:30:02.000 A lot of it's going to be like a third world country.

01:30:04.000 Because as we more interconnect with the rest of the world, you know, and as our facade of an economy slowly evaporates into nothingness, we really are forced into a situation where It looks eerily similar to what Russia faced.

01:30:19.000 It looks eerily similar.

01:30:21.000 We're getting bettered at many things in different fields.

01:30:24.000 I saw a thing about highways and freeways and how for a long time we set the standard.

01:30:33.000 We were the first massive country to build.

01:30:36.000 You think about it.

01:30:37.000 We take it for granted that you can get in a car and be like, I want to drive to Montana.

01:30:42.000 Any other city you want to go to, Louisiana, you just take this way.

01:30:45.000 It's just...

01:30:46.000 It's like that, and we've had the best, and China is killing us in highways and freeway, in quality, in the number of them, and where you can go in them, killing us.

01:30:58.000 Poor Dane says they kill us in cell phone coverage.

01:31:00.000 He's like, you could be over there.

01:31:02.000 He said you could be over there in the middle of nowhere in the woods, and you've got five bars.

01:31:05.000 God damn it.

01:31:07.000 Well, I haven't been to China, but I've been to South Korea.

01:31:10.000 And, dude, their society is way more advanced, I feel like.

01:31:14.000 Their internet is way more advanced.

01:31:15.000 Their phones are more advanced.

01:31:17.000 Oh, cleaner?

01:31:18.000 They just have, I don't know, they're way ahead of us.

01:31:21.000 They're crushing it.

01:31:21.000 They buy a lot of shit with their phones.

01:31:23.000 That's just starting to come to phones now.

01:31:26.000 There's a thing called Google Wallet.

01:31:27.000 And Google Wallet is an app that allows you to go up to, when you go to the thing where you scan your credit card, you can look at it and if it has this logo on it, this Google Wallet logo, then what you do is you take the application and pull it up on your Google phones.

01:31:43.000 Press it.

01:31:44.000 Put it right up to that, and it automatically pays for your bill.

01:31:49.000 So you don't even have to swipe a credit card.

01:31:50.000 You don't have to sign shit.

01:31:52.000 You just put in your code, press your phone right up to it, bang.

01:31:56.000 So you don't have to have a wallet with credit cards anymore, eventually.

01:32:01.000 Eventually, everything you'll be able to buy with your phone.

01:32:03.000 I don't know if Google Wallet exists.

01:32:05.000 Do you know, Brian, where the Google Wallet exists for the iPhone?

01:32:08.000 I don't think so.

01:32:09.000 No?

01:32:09.000 I think you'd do it over a website, though.

01:32:12.000 Oh, over a website?

01:32:13.000 I don't know, no.

01:32:14.000 That's whack.

01:32:14.000 You want to do it.

01:32:15.000 That's so crazy.

01:32:16.000 That's one knock that Google phones have over the iPhone, if they have that, because that's pretty dope once it comes into focus.

01:32:22.000 Once it becomes a really popular thing, that might make people sway from the iPhone to the Droid phones.

01:32:28.000 Getting the new studio, one thing I thought was really interesting was that home speeds for internet are capped at around...

01:32:34.000 What's the highest lately?

01:32:36.000 Like 60?

01:32:37.000 I don't know.

01:32:37.000 Is it even that?

01:32:38.000 30 megabytes?

01:32:38.000 I only get like 25. 25. But when I have to get a business account because it's a business space that I rent...

01:32:47.000 The internet speeds are like up to like 100 gigabytes or even more maybe.

01:32:51.000 Really?

01:32:52.000 Like the upload speeds are ridiculous too.

01:32:54.000 I think there were like 5 megabyte uploads instead of what I think I'm paying for 2 megabyte for the fastest for universe.

01:33:00.000 Wow.

01:33:00.000 And it's like that's not even fair.

01:33:02.000 It's like I almost like if I am at home and I want to play games or be able to pay for something like this I wish I would have to make my house a business almost or something.

01:33:12.000 I think you could probably do that.

01:33:13.000 I don't know if you can make your house a business.

01:33:15.000 You can't can you?

01:33:16.000 How's that possible?

01:33:16.000 I mean, just list it as a business.

01:33:19.000 Can you do that?

01:33:20.000 You would have to not live there, though.

01:33:22.000 I mean, I don't think it works that way.

01:33:24.000 I don't know if it's the same.

01:33:26.000 If you have a home office, I think that's still a home.

01:33:29.000 Right.

01:33:29.000 I don't know, though.

01:33:30.000 I mean, your building might have been wired differently, too, though.

01:33:33.000 You have to take that into account.

01:33:34.000 That's a building.

01:33:35.000 That's a commercial building.

01:33:36.000 I mean, when they wired it, they might have wired it.

01:33:38.000 I don't know what the story is about what is keeping you from getting the highest internet.

01:33:43.000 Right.

01:33:43.000 That's weird though.

01:33:44.000 It's weird.

01:33:46.000 Because I live very close to it.

01:33:47.000 I checked it.

01:33:50.000 I wonder if it's something like they can't offer it to that many people.

01:33:53.000 The bandwidth isn't there.

01:33:55.000 Yeah, that's a good point.

01:33:56.000 That could be.

01:33:56.000 Yeah, because people would be just downloading a million movies all day.

01:34:00.000 Has anybody ever gone to jail for stealing movies?

01:34:03.000 I don't know.

01:34:04.000 I think they have.

01:34:05.000 What's that one movie, the boring ass movie, where they're picking up bombs?

01:34:09.000 Whatever that movie was that won all those awards where it's like...

01:34:12.000 Oh, Hurt Locker.

01:34:14.000 Hurt Locker.

01:34:15.000 Those guys, I guess, went after tons of people.

01:34:19.000 Like 25,000 people or something ridiculous like that.

01:34:22.000 And they just dropped a lot of them the other day.

01:34:25.000 So they're still suing people that downloaded their movie illegally.

01:34:28.000 Really?

01:34:29.000 And it's weird that the production company actually is the one going after them.

01:34:32.000 So the production company, they somehow or another find out who has put these things online for download, and then they attack them?

01:34:40.000 Yeah, they pretty much tell certain cable.

01:34:43.000 How do they tell?

01:34:44.000 Do they tell by who uploaded it?

01:34:46.000 Is that what it is?

01:34:46.000 Yeah, I guess, you know, what they do is they can check the IPs, get it from the torrents and stuff like that, and then they would have to sue, like, you know, Charter or whoever.

01:34:56.000 Well, they made an example out of some kid a couple of years ago.

01:34:59.000 It wasn't like a kid and his mom, and they were like, I mean, even though everybody had downloaded songs, they went after some kid, and they were like, you owe like $380,000 because of this amount per song.

01:35:09.000 Yeah.

01:35:09.000 But then they, you know, I think they settled with the amount of court, but it was...

01:35:12.000 They were doing that clearly just to get publicity for the case and make it seem like, you know, don't you dare dream of doing this.

01:35:19.000 It is kind of weird, man.

01:35:20.000 It's such a weird gray area whether or not something that you bought and you paid for, whether you could distribute it.

01:35:27.000 For music, it's really interesting how these paid companies like Spotify and Rhapsody and stuff like that really, in my opinion, have stepped in.

01:35:36.000 I don't really download music much anymore because now I just pay $10 a month for Spotify and I fucking listen to it as much as I want to.

01:35:43.000 It's like a jukebox of every single song.

01:35:46.000 Don't you have to be online to get that?

01:35:48.000 Not all the time.

01:35:49.000 I think you can save songs to your device.

01:35:51.000 I haven't really fucked around with it too much on that part, but I think you could also save songs.

01:35:56.000 If you pay $10 a day, it will download it inside the app, and then it needs to at least connect to make sure that you're a member still, and then it makes all the songs work.

01:36:05.000 That's annoying.

01:36:06.000 That's too complicated.

01:36:07.000 I'd rather get things on iTunes.

01:36:08.000 I get my shit on iTunes.

01:36:09.000 How do you feel about your content, though?

01:36:13.000 You know what, man?

01:36:14.000 I think what I do is very different.

01:36:17.000 Because first of all, as a comedian, when you're releasing your information, or when you're releasing your material, rather, if you're putting out a CD or a DVD or something, you're essentially putting out an advertisement, and you're essentially putting out...

01:36:32.000 An example of your work that you're proud of, that you want people to see and enjoy.

01:36:36.000 Yeah.

01:36:36.000 And yeah, you want to be compensated for it.

01:36:38.000 Yeah, you want to make money for it.

01:36:40.000 But the way I roll is that if I've ever downloaded anything illegally, I have always bought it if I liked it.

01:36:48.000 Always.

01:36:49.000 Really?

01:36:49.000 Yeah.

01:36:50.000 And I've bought some things that I didn't like just because I felt guilty.

01:36:53.000 Because I couldn't get it legally when I wanted to, so I had to get it some other way.

01:36:56.000 There's no way most people do that, though.

01:36:58.000 Yeah, I have a problem.

01:37:00.000 I can't litter.

01:37:01.000 If I drop something on the ground, I have to get it.

01:37:04.000 I'll run after it if the fucking wind is blowing.

01:37:07.000 God damn it, I'll have to fucking chase after this little piece of paper.

01:37:09.000 It could be a gum wrapper.

01:37:10.000 Really?

01:37:10.000 Yeah.

01:37:10.000 I don't like leaving behind a problem.

01:37:14.000 It bugs me.

01:37:15.000 So when I look at the idea of littering psychically, the idea of littering with your consciousness, that you do shitty little things and you take them for granted, and then you have these little things curled up in a fucking corner, those little crumpled up papers of ideas and consciousness that's littered your fucking head.

01:37:34.000 I don't like it.

01:37:35.000 So if a band is good, if somebody sends me to a YouTube link, And I go, wow, that's a fucking badass song.

01:37:42.000 And then there's a download link somewhere on some site where you're not supposed to go to, and I download it, and I like it.

01:37:47.000 I always buy it.

01:37:48.000 That's great.

01:37:48.000 I always buy it.

01:37:49.000 I think you have to.

01:37:50.000 I think you're supposed to.

01:37:51.000 I don't really download anything.

01:37:52.000 I mean, everything that I have, I've bought.

01:37:54.000 Yeah, I don't either.

01:37:54.000 I buy on iTunes.

01:37:55.000 Yeah, I mean, even then.

01:37:56.000 I mean, like, say if I found something illegal, I'll search to find it legally.

01:38:00.000 I'll buy it on Amazon, you know?

01:38:01.000 Yeah.

01:38:03.000 You guys touching each other?

01:38:03.000 He touched his leg to my leg.

01:38:06.000 It was accidental.

01:38:07.000 I'm sorry.

01:38:07.000 What's up with that?

01:38:07.000 I bumped it.

01:38:08.000 I'm sorry.

01:38:09.000 Joe, have you heard about Gene Simmons' kid?

01:38:11.000 What happened?

01:38:12.000 What?

01:38:12.000 There was news I read this morning.

01:38:15.000 Want another beer?

01:38:16.000 Can I have your beer?

01:38:16.000 Yeah, sure.

01:38:17.000 Thanks.

01:38:17.000 He's a comic book artist.

01:38:19.000 Want a cold one?

01:38:20.000 You want a cold?

01:38:21.000 Oh, okay.

01:38:22.000 Yeah.

01:38:22.000 Oh, shit.

01:38:23.000 Thank you, Morgan.

01:38:23.000 Do you have another one, Joe?

01:38:25.000 Nope.

01:38:25.000 Ah, sucker.

01:38:27.000 Who is this?

01:38:28.000 Gene Simmons' kid.

01:38:30.000 Oh, yeah.

01:38:30.000 Yeah.

01:38:31.000 And he does comic books.

01:38:33.000 He does manga.

01:38:34.000 Oh, yeah.

01:38:34.000 I think it's called Japanese-style anime.

01:38:38.000 His son?

01:38:40.000 Yeah, his son.

01:38:40.000 Real nice guy.

01:38:41.000 I actually met him once.

01:38:42.000 Yeah, we met him at the improv.

01:38:44.000 But they outed him for just completely tracing a Japanese comic book artist.

01:38:52.000 And they have these lineups where they show face on top of face where they overlay it and it's exactly him.

01:38:59.000 He's a young kid though.

01:39:01.000 How old is he?

01:39:02.000 Is he 19 or 20, isn't he?

01:39:05.000 He's young.

01:39:05.000 I don't know if he's 19 or 20. I don't know the whole story.

01:39:09.000 I don't know if the comic's an old comic.

01:39:11.000 I used to draw comics just for fun.

01:39:14.000 I know that there has been many times where I liked how Spider-Man was posing or something like that.

01:39:19.000 So I would trace his pose.

01:39:21.000 That's how you learn how to draw.

01:39:23.000 Is he an art student?

01:39:25.000 Or is he trying to sell these things?

01:39:27.000 Yeah, I think he sells them.

01:39:28.000 I think he's pretty successful.

01:39:30.000 It's kind of hard to get away from that one.

01:39:31.000 I trace this shit.

01:39:32.000 Yeah.

01:39:33.000 So the Japanese artist on his Twitter today was confused at first, but then he said something like, I'm more surprised that Gene Simmons' kid does comics or something like that.

01:39:45.000 I can't remember.

01:39:46.000 So he knows about it.

01:39:47.000 He didn't seem that angry.

01:39:48.000 Wow.

01:39:49.000 How did he not seem angry at that?

01:39:50.000 I don't know, you know.

01:39:52.000 Very polite Japanese people.

01:39:53.000 I have no idea.

01:39:54.000 Yeah.

01:39:55.000 I always feel that stealing though is that like especially with jokes it's like well I can always write another one.

01:40:01.000 It sucks to have your shit.

01:40:02.000 Yeah.

01:40:03.000 I could see it happening more in comic books just for people that like.

01:40:06.000 Why are you doing that?

01:40:07.000 I guess he took a lot though.

01:40:08.000 The comic was called Bleach.

01:40:09.000 He was in a band for a little while.

01:40:12.000 Was he?

01:40:13.000 Yeah.

01:40:14.000 I remember I watched the show.

01:40:16.000 And on the reality show, his band was playing somewhere and then his father flew a flyer out of a plane showing his son's band playing somewhere and making a big deal out of it.

01:40:28.000 Wow, this is crazy.

01:40:30.000 Wow.

01:40:30.000 So it's the kid that's on that show?

01:40:33.000 Yeah, side-by-side analysis is pretty fucking damning.

01:40:36.000 Yeah, he's old enough to know.

01:40:38.000 I mean, it is.

01:40:41.000 It's not just tracing it.

01:40:43.000 I mean, it's like...

01:40:44.000 Straight up taking almost...

01:40:45.000 Some of it is not tracing.

01:40:47.000 Some of it...

01:40:48.000 This one's not tracing, but it's very obvious where the idea came from.

01:40:52.000 Yeah.

01:40:52.000 This is bad, man.

01:40:54.000 This is sad.

01:40:55.000 Yeah.

01:40:56.000 I miss the Osbournes.

01:40:57.000 It's all your own stuff, everybody.

01:40:59.000 It's weird.

01:41:01.000 I love that show.

01:41:02.000 I like that family a lot.

01:41:03.000 Some of them are a bit of a stretch.

01:41:04.000 There's a few of them here that are a bit of a stretch.

01:41:06.000 Because that is a style of comics.

01:41:08.000 What did you look up?

01:41:09.000 How do you look it up?

01:41:11.000 Just Google Gene Simmons Kid comic book.

01:41:16.000 Okay.

01:41:17.000 Trace.

01:41:17.000 I don't know.

01:41:18.000 Well, it definitely looks like there's no doubt about the idea that he was influenced.

01:41:25.000 Unquestionably he was influenced, but there's a bunch of these pictures that are a real stretch.

01:41:29.000 Joe, did you see what that guy on your message board said?

01:41:32.000 That he, for a living, buys Google Ads all the time.

01:41:35.000 And we always joke about how I always put butthole at the end of Google searches.

01:41:39.000 So he was making it targeting California for the words butthole on the end of any kind of sentence.

01:41:45.000 And it just says something like, hey, red man, stop saying butthole or searching for butthole as a Google ad on the site.

01:41:50.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:41:51.000 Google took it down because he used the word butthole.

01:41:54.000 You can't say butthole for Google.

01:41:55.000 For ads, I guess.

01:41:56.000 I bet you could sell missiles.

01:41:58.000 Yeah, this is crazy, man.

01:42:01.000 This is weird to watch.

01:42:02.000 He really did trace his stuff.

01:42:04.000 Aww.

01:42:05.000 Can I see?

01:42:05.000 Yeah.

01:42:06.000 How sad.

01:42:06.000 He can.

01:42:07.000 Yeah, I mean, they even show an overlay.

01:42:10.000 They show, like, here's the original image.

01:42:12.000 Here's his.

01:42:13.000 Look, he traced it.

01:42:15.000 Aww.

01:42:16.000 That really sucks.

01:42:17.000 It's fucking sad.

01:42:19.000 That's something that's really hard to recover from.

01:42:22.000 As an artist, yeah.

01:42:25.000 It appears like he's just made a career doing this.

01:42:28.000 He's decided to try to...

01:42:31.000 To make a career doing it this way.

01:42:33.000 All right, well, looks like you're going to have to borrow some more money from Dad for a while.

01:42:36.000 Well, I don't know, man.

01:42:38.000 You know, you want to give people the benefit of the doubt.

01:42:41.000 Who knows?

01:42:42.000 It seems pretty shitty, though.

01:42:44.000 Yeah.

01:42:45.000 It sucks.

01:42:46.000 It sucks the year, right?

01:42:47.000 I know.

01:42:48.000 Maybe he was a poor fucking guy.

01:42:49.000 Maybe he was just horsing around, you know?

01:42:53.000 He didn't intend it.

01:42:55.000 Horseplay?

01:42:56.000 Yeah, he was just doing horseplay.

01:42:58.000 Well, why would people think you're plagiarizing?

01:43:01.000 You'd have to ask them.

01:43:03.000 Don't ask me that.

01:43:05.000 You'd have to ask them.

01:43:05.000 I was just horsing around.

01:43:06.000 Have you heard the new fad that's a real problem in high schools?

01:43:11.000 Is that teens are using vodka-soaked tampons to get drunk?

01:43:15.000 Oh, I've heard that with animas.

01:43:18.000 No, no, no.

01:43:18.000 This is real.

01:43:19.000 There's news stories about it.

01:43:20.000 Go ahead.

01:43:21.000 Look up the news story.

01:43:22.000 I mean, not animas.

01:43:22.000 Girls are doing this in high school.

01:43:24.000 They're soaking tampons with vodka and sticking them in their pussy.

01:43:29.000 And they're inserting beer bongs in their assholes.

01:43:34.000 And they're getting drunk that way.

01:43:36.000 You can totally die.

01:43:38.000 There's no liver to filter out...

01:43:40.000 People are nuts.

01:43:41.000 You gotta go for it.

01:43:42.000 It's a bright idea.

01:43:43.000 Apparently, this is what this vodka tampon thing does.

01:43:46.000 Should we try it?

01:43:46.000 It tracks you.

01:43:48.000 Look up teen...

01:43:49.000 Get the video.

01:43:51.000 Teen using vodka-soaked tampons to get drunk.

01:43:55.000 If you're in school...

01:43:56.000 Teens using vodka-soaked tampons to get drunk.

01:43:59.000 When you're listening, go for it, man.

01:44:00.000 Try the whole bottle.

01:44:01.000 Yeah, well, you can die.

01:44:02.000 This is the...

01:44:02.000 The problem, yeah.

01:44:03.000 The alcohol is going right in your bloodstream.

01:44:05.000 It's like shooting IV blood.

01:44:07.000 Yeah.

01:44:08.000 You know, you can take things rectally.

01:44:10.000 Like, there's this girl.

01:44:11.000 I can't.

01:44:11.000 She goes by the name of Neurosoup on YouTube.

01:44:15.000 And she has, like, a website called Neurosoup, I think.

01:44:18.000 And she's, like, kind of a famous person in the psychedelic community.

01:44:22.000 Because at one point in time, she was living with this guy that was this gigantic LSD dealer.

01:44:26.000 Like, the biggest LSD dealer in the world.

01:44:28.000 And she was a stripper.

01:44:29.000 There's a really interesting thing on Vice.com, a video where they interview her and they talk about the crazy times that she's been through.

01:44:36.000 One of her videos online is her taking DMT anally.

01:44:40.000 She takes DMT and sticks it in her asshole and trips for like an hour.

01:44:45.000 Wow!

01:44:46.000 Yeah, wow indeed.

01:44:48.000 That video's out there?

01:44:49.000 Yeah, she put the video out there.

01:44:50.000 What's wrong with good old-fashioned and the old-fashioned?

01:44:52.000 I guess she wanted to go for a longer ride.

01:44:54.000 The old-fashioned way only lasts for about 15 minutes at the most.

01:44:58.000 What about LSD? You could put that up your ass, too.

01:45:00.000 I bet you could use it in my eyes.

01:45:02.000 Well, Jimi Hendrix, the legend is that Jimi Hendrix used to put it on his bandana, and as he was sweating, it would enter into his pores.

01:45:10.000 That sounds so fake.

01:45:15.000 I've heard of it being in socks and people sweating into their cysts like accidentally.

01:45:20.000 I don't know if that's true or not, but I'm sure it could happen.

01:45:22.000 Yeah, I'm sure that makes sense.

01:45:24.000 Raining out a dead show is always interesting.

01:45:26.000 Well, didn't that happen with...

01:45:27.000 Who was the creator of LSD? Oh, that doctor guy.

01:45:33.000 Wait, wait.

01:45:33.000 No, the one that was like the guru, right?

01:45:36.000 Leary?

01:45:37.000 No, no, no.

01:45:40.000 I forget the fucking guy's name, goddammit.

01:45:43.000 Dennis Leary?

01:45:44.000 Dennis Leary.

01:45:49.000 No, it wasn't his fucking name.

01:45:50.000 And that was the catalyst for Albert Hoffman.

01:45:54.000 Albert Hoffman.

01:45:55.000 And then Albert Hoffman, when he invented it, I believe it happened by accident.

01:46:01.000 And if I'm not incorrect, I think he got it on his hands or something.

01:46:06.000 I forget how he was initially exposed to it.

01:46:09.000 I forget the story.

01:46:10.000 But I'm pretty sure the first time, it's like he got it on something and was like, what the fuck is going on?

01:46:17.000 Joe, have you done acid before?

01:46:19.000 No, I've never done acid.

01:46:20.000 I've only done mushrooms, salvia, DMT. Vodka tampons.

01:46:26.000 You know, some of the craziest experiences I've ever had is from eating pot.

01:46:29.000 Some of the most intense psychedelic experiences I've ever had is eating pot.

01:46:33.000 I've told her.

01:46:34.000 I've told her to share some stories.

01:46:36.000 Alright, just when you think you've heard it all when it comes to teens, and I have one.

01:46:39.000 So I'm paying attention to this.

01:46:41.000 This one might have you saying, wait, what?

01:46:44.000 That's what teenagers are turning to.

01:46:46.000 To get that quick buzz is pretty scary.

01:46:48.000 Elizabeth Irwin is here with a straight story.

01:46:51.000 Oh boy, Elizabeth.

01:46:52.000 I've got to tell you, Stephen and Catherine, two things I never thought would appear in the same sentence.

01:46:56.000 Tampons and vodka.

01:47:00.000 Do I have your attention?

01:47:01.000 Good.

01:47:02.000 Because if you're a parent, you really need to hear this.

01:47:04.000 She's so uptight.

01:47:06.000 She went home immediately, stuffed the whole bottle of vodka up her asshole.

01:47:10.000 She poured it into her ass.

01:47:13.000 Sally, I'm doing it right now.

01:47:15.000 It's all up in my asshole.

01:47:16.000 I'm drunk.

01:47:17.000 When we heard how kids are getting drunk these days, we thought, no way.

01:47:22.000 So we hit up the experts to find out if it's an urban legend or if it's legit.

01:47:26.000 There's been documented cases of people going to the hospital with alcohol poisoning just from utilizing it that way.

01:47:32.000 Officer Chris Thomas spends his days patrolling the halls of a valley high school.

01:47:36.000 He's heard firsthand how kids are getting tipsy.

01:47:39.000 What we're hearing about is teenagers utilizing tampons, soaking in vodka first before using them.

01:47:45.000 You heard right.

01:47:46.000 Teens taking tampons, soaking them in vodka.

01:47:50.000 Goddamn teens.

01:47:54.000 There.

01:47:55.000 There.

01:47:57.000 She can't even say vagina.

01:47:59.000 She says there.

01:48:00.000 That's how terrified we are of anything sexual in America.

01:48:04.000 It's unbelievable.

01:48:05.000 There.

01:48:06.000 Her no-no hole.

01:48:07.000 They'll insert them into their rectums.

01:48:09.000 You guys will do it too.

01:48:11.000 Search it to where she comes out of.

01:48:14.000 So I found how acid was invented.

01:48:17.000 Yeah, it was an accident.

01:48:18.000 While resynthesizing LSD, Hoffman accidentally absorbed a small amount of it through his fingertips and serendipitously discovered the powerful effects.

01:48:27.000 he said this is his exact words affected by a remarkable a remarkable restlessness combined with a slight dizziness at home i laid down and sank into a not unpleasant intoxicated like condition characterized by an extremely stimulated imagination in a dreamlike state with eyes closed i found the Yes, it is.

01:48:50.000 I perceived an uninterrupted stream of fantastic pictures, extraordinary shapes with intense kaleidoscope play of colors.

01:48:59.000 After some two hours in this condition, faded away.

01:49:03.000 Wow.

01:49:04.000 So then he decided to take it on his own.

01:49:07.000 So this was by accident.

01:49:08.000 And then what he did is he took it on his own and tried to ride home on his bike.

01:49:14.000 Isn't that hilarious?

01:49:15.000 He called it Bicycle Day.

01:49:17.000 The guy gave himself 0.25 milligrams, which is 250 micrograms.

01:49:22.000 That's a fucking heavy dose.

01:49:24.000 What is that?

01:49:24.000 I don't know what that is.

01:49:25.000 The actual threshold dose is only 20 micrograms.

01:49:28.000 Threshold dose, what does that mean?

01:49:29.000 That means you feel it.

01:49:30.000 You feel it at 20 micrograms.

01:49:31.000 So that's the intoxication threshold.

01:49:33.000 There's 20 micrograms.

01:49:34.000 He takes 250. Shazam, son!

01:49:38.000 I've never found it from anybody I trust.

01:49:41.000 I got some from this guy that was friends with Andy Dick, and he was out of his fucking mind, this guy, and he's like, really wanted me to take it.

01:49:48.000 Come on, man, take it.

01:49:49.000 I'm like, yep, nope, not gonna happen.

01:49:51.000 Just get Nick with it.

01:49:52.000 Even getting liquid.

01:49:53.000 You've got to know who the hell you're getting it from, man.

01:49:55.000 You've got to know that people are taking it consistently.

01:49:58.000 You really should fucking have it tested.

01:50:00.000 Really, what it should be is fucking legal, and there should be LSD-like institutes where you go and, hey, do you want to really know who you are?

01:50:08.000 Sit down.

01:50:09.000 You know, I mean, it's all chemically simple or chemically similar to each other.

01:50:15.000 Like DMT, LSD, mushrooms, they're all really close.

01:50:18.000 Yeah, what is DMT exactly?

01:50:20.000 Dimethyltryptamine.

01:50:20.000 Oh, here we go.

01:50:21.000 Sorry, I don't know.

01:50:22.000 I'm out of the show.

01:50:23.000 The kids these days.

01:50:24.000 You have Google on your phone.

01:50:25.000 I did acid as a kid.

01:50:28.000 He said, here we go, because there's a video of me talking about it.

01:50:32.000 It's got like a billion hits.

01:50:34.000 And we've talked about it on the podcast a hundred times.

01:50:37.000 It's a psychedelic chemical, but it's one your own brain makes.

01:50:40.000 Gotcha.

01:50:41.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

01:50:41.000 But all the really powerful ones, like LSD, you know, LSD and DMT and mushrooms, they're all real similar.

01:50:48.000 They're like chemical cousins, you know?

01:50:49.000 So it's interesting that those are the super potent ones, and they're really close to what your own brain makes, naturally.

01:50:55.000 LSD? I don't know, man, because I've taken that a lot, and my brain does not function.

01:51:00.000 Did you ever take it through your asshole?

01:51:03.000 No, I took it at Lollapalooza when I was 14 years old and I was goth.

01:51:07.000 You were goth back then?

01:51:08.000 Yeah, I had retainers and a velvet dress.

01:51:12.000 Oh, shit.

01:51:12.000 And Susie and the Banshees came on and I did at the same time and I threw my retainers across the field at Irvine Meadows.

01:51:19.000 Wow.

01:51:19.000 And I had to leave and that was the end of that.

01:51:22.000 Did you ever read about how the CIA tested LSD on people?

01:51:28.000 There's videos.

01:51:29.000 How about the town in France where they dosed the whole town and put it in their bread and people killed themselves?

01:51:34.000 Oh yeah, in the 1950s?

01:51:35.000 Really?

01:51:35.000 Yeah, they doused the whole town.

01:51:37.000 They just experimented on a town in France.

01:51:39.000 The Americans?

01:51:40.000 Yep, CIA. Freedom of Information Act, it's all available now.

01:51:43.000 There's a lot of creepy shit they do that really truly defines what the government is all about.

01:51:50.000 You know, a lot of people think the government is just us working in a different job.

01:51:53.000 And it's not.

01:51:54.000 It's the people that have a history of being ruthless.

01:51:57.000 A history of being ruthless, and that's how you get to that position in the first place.

01:52:00.000 But the experiments they did on people are just fucking horrendous.

01:52:04.000 Now, what was the utility of LSD initially?

01:52:07.000 Well, they thought it was going to be a truth serum.

01:52:09.000 Truth serum, yeah.

01:52:10.000 Oh, I thought it was to make soldiers aggressive.

01:52:11.000 That's why they wanted to use it.

01:52:12.000 No, no, no.

01:52:13.000 They give them steroids for that.

01:52:15.000 Oh, okay.

01:52:16.000 Steroids and meth.

01:52:17.000 That is...

01:52:18.000 Crystal meth is what the Japanese invented at for getting fucking planes to crash into boats.

01:52:23.000 So, you've got to be all methed up to do that.

01:52:25.000 Were they all methed up, really, when they did that?

01:52:26.000 Yeah, that's where crystal methadrine was invented.

01:52:30.000 And now you can just drive trucks on it.

01:52:33.000 Have you ever been around people that are on meth?

01:52:36.000 In high school, I grew up here, around here actually, in your neighborhood.

01:52:40.000 And that was the drug of my generation, was meth, and then rave culture.

01:52:44.000 So everyone was dropping tons of E and taking meth.

01:52:48.000 Cocaine, not so much, and LSD. That's my generation.

01:52:50.000 Did you do meth?

01:52:51.000 Jesus.

01:52:51.000 Once I tried it, and I don't like how it...

01:52:55.000 Like, just do Coke.

01:52:56.000 Coke is so much classier.

01:52:58.000 What did Matthew do for you?

01:52:59.000 You fucking stay up for days making collages and moving furniture.

01:53:02.000 It's utter chaos.

01:53:04.000 Wow.

01:53:05.000 Making collages?

01:53:06.000 I need to do that.

01:53:07.000 Why do you go...

01:53:08.000 Before you make collages?

01:53:09.000 Because that's how I felt, you know, because you're just so fired up.

01:53:12.000 You're like...

01:53:12.000 I'm going to do something!

01:53:13.000 But there's nothing...

01:53:15.000 At least for me, I couldn't be...

01:53:16.000 Just once, once.

01:53:18.000 I've never done Adderall.

01:53:19.000 I don't like it.

01:53:20.000 But from what I understand, Adderall and meth, they're like cousins as well.

01:53:24.000 I would say Adderall is more like cocaine.

01:53:26.000 Because even when I did Adderall, I felt like I was getting drips and cocaine symptoms.

01:53:31.000 Was that like psychological?

01:53:33.000 Like psychosomatic?

01:53:34.000 Whatever it triggered was the same fucking neighborhood as cocaine.

01:53:39.000 Don't the drips come from actually snorting the cocaine?

01:53:41.000 How did you take your Adderall?

01:53:43.000 It felt like it.

01:53:43.000 No, I snorted it.

01:53:44.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:53:46.000 No, but I've snorted Adderall also.

01:53:47.000 You have snorted Adderall?

01:53:48.000 Yeah, a lot of people do that.

01:53:49.000 Really?

01:53:50.000 Yeah, they crush it up and...

01:53:51.000 Wow.

01:53:52.000 We know a guy who was...

01:53:55.000 I tell the story now on stage of the guy who used to drive us.

01:54:00.000 Oh my god.

01:54:01.000 To the airport.

01:54:02.000 This was our driver.

01:54:03.000 Yeah.

01:54:04.000 Like a regular guy because we go to the airport so often we use this, you know, we found like a cheaper car service that's easier than dealing with like driving and parking.

01:54:12.000 Right.

01:54:12.000 And like he was, you know, like a cheap ride basically.

01:54:16.000 Right.

01:54:16.000 Older guy, and all white hair, and was really professional.

01:54:21.000 And then after 10 rides, it's one of those things where you know when somebody's like, Mr. Rogan, and you finally go, you can call me Joe.

01:54:28.000 It was like that kind of thing where I was like, it's Tom.

01:54:30.000 He's like, it's Tom?

01:54:31.000 I'm like, yeah.

01:54:32.000 He's like, cool.

01:54:32.000 Hey, man.

01:54:33.000 Let me ask you something.

01:54:34.000 Everything changed as soon as I said, be professional with me.

01:54:37.000 And he goes, can I ask you something?

01:54:41.000 And I was like, yeah.

01:54:41.000 And he goes, do you smoke weed?

01:54:43.000 And I was like, yeah.

01:54:44.000 Yeah, I mean, I guess, yeah.

01:54:45.000 He's like, do you want to smoke some now?

01:54:47.000 And I was like, really?

01:54:48.000 It's like five in the morning.

01:54:49.000 Yeah, and he's driving?

01:54:50.000 Yeah, and I was like, yeah, all right.

01:54:52.000 And then...

01:54:53.000 You said, yeah, right?

01:54:53.000 Yeah.

01:54:54.000 Okay, driver.

01:54:54.000 Yeah, that's exactly what was in my head.

01:54:56.000 I'm so comfortable with you in my life.

01:54:57.000 And then he goes, he starts smoking, and then he goes, I can't drive unless I'm fucked up.

01:55:02.000 And that's a quote.

01:55:03.000 Oh, my God.

01:55:06.000 This is like a scene in a movie.

01:55:07.000 This is like a scene in a Seth Rogen movie.

01:55:10.000 I swear to God.

01:55:13.000 This is a Judd Apatow movie.

01:55:14.000 It is, man.

01:55:15.000 I swear to God.

01:55:16.000 And he's old as shit, too.

01:55:17.000 He's like 80, isn't he?

01:55:18.000 Really?

01:55:19.000 Oh, fuck.

01:55:19.000 He's like 70s.

01:55:21.000 And then he goes...

01:55:21.000 And then he's like...

01:55:22.000 This particular...

01:55:23.000 It is early.

01:55:24.000 He drives fast.

01:55:25.000 He's like one of these...

01:55:26.000 I've been driving 50 years in LA. We've got to take this street and that street.

01:55:30.000 And I was like...

01:55:31.000 I was basically like, keep it together, man.

01:55:33.000 And he was like, I've been up since three.

01:55:37.000 And I start asking him, I'm like, have you done other drugs?

01:55:41.000 He's like, ah, buddy, buddy.

01:55:42.000 Like, I've done it all.

01:55:43.000 And I was like, really?

01:55:44.000 He's like, coke, heroin.

01:55:45.000 He's like, there's nothing like smoking rocks.

01:55:48.000 Swear to God.

01:55:50.000 And I was like...

01:55:50.000 He was like 70?

01:55:51.000 Yeah, and he is flying through El Barrio, through the old neighborhood.

01:55:57.000 And so, this is an El Salvadorian neighborhood.

01:55:59.000 And every, like, we're going through lights, and he's like, look at that little brown one right there.

01:56:03.000 I love that little brown one.

01:56:05.000 He was married to a Peruvian, and then he had, like, an El Salvadorian girlfriend.

01:56:09.000 He's like, I love these little brown ones.

01:56:11.000 He had one on the side?

01:56:12.000 Yeah, well, and he had, oh, he has, like, five girlfriends.

01:56:15.000 And they're all, like, 20. And he's 70?

01:56:16.000 And they were all, like, 20?

01:56:17.000 Yes.

01:56:18.000 Oh, yeah.

01:56:18.000 But wait.

01:56:19.000 But now, wouldn't he be like, we drive through the ghetto, and he'd be like, that's where I used to buy my crack there.

01:56:23.000 He would point out where.

01:56:25.000 This neighborhood's got the good stuff.

01:56:28.000 I swear to God.

01:56:29.000 So, we're driving around, and I go, oh, I go, well, can I ask you something, now that we're friends, I guess?

01:56:37.000 He's like, yeah, shoot.

01:56:38.000 I was like, what's it like to smoke crack?

01:56:41.000 And he goes, oh, man.

01:56:42.000 He's like, what I like to do when I smoke crack is I'll just sit in my apartment, Wait, wait, stop.

01:56:47.000 Stop.

01:56:48.000 Don't say anything.

01:56:49.000 Hold on.

01:56:50.000 Did he say porn?

01:56:51.000 He watches porn.

01:56:52.000 No.

01:56:52.000 No?

01:56:53.000 Okay, go ahead.

01:56:53.000 I'm sorry.

01:56:54.000 He goes, I like to look through the people, and I look around at what the fuck's happening.

01:57:00.000 I see all this shit.

01:57:01.000 I think about what's going to happen next.

01:57:03.000 I see people walking by, and I just kind of fucking freak out, you know?

01:57:06.000 I'm like...

01:57:08.000 And I was like, that sounds terrible, man.

01:57:10.000 And he was like, it's part of the rush.

01:57:12.000 That's the rush, you know?

01:57:13.000 What the fuck is going to happen next?

01:57:14.000 You look through the people to see if the people are going to come get you.

01:57:18.000 That's his rush.

01:57:19.000 I had to stop you because everybody says, everybody that I've ever talked to that smokes crack says they watch porn.

01:57:26.000 Oh!

01:57:26.000 No, well, Henry did say, I invited this girl over and we fuck like animals.

01:57:31.000 Like, he would have...

01:57:32.000 Yeah, he did say that.

01:57:32.000 Did I say his name?

01:57:33.000 He would have sex.

01:57:34.000 I'm sorry.

01:57:35.000 Sorry, I didn't say his last name.

01:57:36.000 No, I don't know his last name.

01:57:38.000 Henry the ape.

01:57:39.000 So, the best is, and this sounds like, I swear this is exactly how it goes, I go, so do you still do that shit?

01:57:47.000 And he goes, nah, man, nah, nah, nah.

01:57:49.000 He goes, well...

01:57:50.000 You know, every once in a while, but you know what they say.

01:57:54.000 If you do something every once in a while, it's not that bad for you.

01:57:57.000 And I go, I think they mean that about, like, pizza.

01:58:00.000 Like chocolate, not crack.

01:58:03.000 And he's like, ah, it's no big deal, buddy.

01:58:05.000 I swear to God.

01:58:06.000 Every once in a while.

01:58:07.000 Well, do you remember when the mayor of Washington, D.C. got caught smoking crack?

01:58:12.000 Mary and Mary.

01:58:13.000 Yeah, with an FBI agent in a fucking hotel room or an informant.

01:58:16.000 She was being a prostitute.

01:58:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:58:18.000 You remember that shit?

01:58:19.000 He was smoking crack.

01:58:20.000 And running the nation's capital.

01:58:22.000 Yeah.

01:58:22.000 And then, when they asked people about it, the greatest thing was, after he got caught, this guy, I remember this guy on TV, they say, what do you think about the mayor getting caught smoking crack?

01:58:32.000 He goes, man, everybody smoke a little crack right now and then.

01:58:35.000 Every now and then.

01:58:36.000 He said, everybody smoke a little crack every now and then.

01:58:40.000 This guy was on TV. He's like, come on, man.

01:58:42.000 Stop playing.

01:58:43.000 You're being ridiculous.

01:58:43.000 Why you stop playing?

01:58:44.000 Who doesn't?

01:58:45.000 Who doesn't smoke crack?

01:58:46.000 Everybody smoke some crack a little now and then.

01:58:48.000 I was on Opie and Anthony and he was in the hallway.

01:58:51.000 No.

01:58:52.000 Yeah, we were in the Sirius Studios, you know, so there's a big window.

01:58:55.000 You could see who's walking down the hallway.

01:58:57.000 And Marion Barry was walking down the hallway.

01:58:59.000 So one of the interns from the Opie and Anthony show, or maybe was it Eric?

01:59:03.000 Who was it, E-Rock?

01:59:03.000 I think it was E-Rock, yeah.

01:59:04.000 He went out and grabbed him.

01:59:06.000 Grabbed Marion Barry and brought him into one of the most hostile radio shows in the history of the fucking human race.

01:59:12.000 These guys are the best.

01:59:13.000 Yeah.

01:59:13.000 So he sits Mary of Barry in there and we just start asking him questions about getting caught with crack.

01:59:18.000 And one of the things he said was like, nobody knows what was in that pipe.

01:59:23.000 I'm like, what?

01:59:23.000 That's him saying I wasn't doing it?

01:59:26.000 Crack pipe, and I'm like, there was a video where you were smoking crack.

01:59:29.000 Nobody knows what was in that pipe.

01:59:31.000 Like, wow!

01:59:32.000 Wow, still denying it.

01:59:33.000 Political, how political.

01:59:34.000 Yeah, very.

01:59:35.000 He's still got a career.

01:59:36.000 He's still out there making it happen.

01:59:38.000 Really?

01:59:39.000 Yeah, he's out there.

01:59:39.000 He was running for something.

01:59:40.000 He became mayor again.

01:59:41.000 Yeah, and he also...

01:59:42.000 Really?

01:59:43.000 He did become mayor again, but he also, he ran for something during the last elections.

01:59:46.000 I forget what it was.

01:59:47.000 Something maybe...

01:59:49.000 Well, you know what, man?

01:59:50.000 A lot of what being a fucking mayor is about is not what you do with your freak time.

01:59:54.000 It's about what you do with the rest of your time.

01:59:56.000 They felt like he was actually representing them.

01:59:59.000 So he was out there just keeping it real.

02:00:02.000 What did he get on these motherfuckers, man?

02:00:04.000 I think it's intense.

02:00:04.000 What?

02:00:05.000 I just want to taste that child's bottle.

02:00:07.000 I'm about to smoke a little crack even now and then.

02:00:08.000 I'll never forget that guy.

02:00:10.000 He was annoying.

02:00:11.000 Man, come on with this.

02:00:13.000 What is this nonsense?

02:00:15.000 Isn't Ted Haggard back doing some religious stuff?

02:00:17.000 Yeah, not only is he back, but he's brilliant in the way he approaches it that everyone in his whole thing, oh, we have drug dealers and prostitutes and everybody looking to be saved.

02:00:27.000 You know, it's like we've all lost our way, but God is still there and I'm still going to lead you to God.

02:00:32.000 Okay, but he's not gay, right?

02:00:33.000 Oh, he's gay as fuck.

02:00:35.000 He's still married, but he's gay as fuck.

02:00:36.000 Of course he's gay, yeah.

02:00:38.000 Of course.

02:00:40.000 He's just fighting it.

02:00:43.000 That shit you just watch.

02:00:45.000 Don't you watch that documentary and you see him with his wife and they're driving and they're just trying to get an apartment.

02:00:52.000 As he's talking, you're like, man, you would be so much happier if you would just get up and be like, I'm totally gay.

02:00:58.000 I'll see you later.

02:00:59.000 Just go be happy, man.

02:01:00.000 You don't have to be that miserable.

02:01:02.000 There's that, but there's also the intoxication of being a leader.

02:01:06.000 Yeah, he loves it.

02:01:06.000 He's too addicted to that.

02:01:08.000 That's what it is.

02:01:08.000 A lot of the behavior is not genuine.

02:01:11.000 A lot of what his behavior is, is he's behaving the way he thinks people are going to accept.

02:01:18.000 The way he thinks people are going to find admirable.

02:01:21.000 It's like his real behavior.

02:01:23.000 He's not being honest with himself.

02:01:25.000 And if he's not being honest with himself, how the fuck could he be honest with other people?

02:01:28.000 He's gaining control in all these other people's lives and fighting off the lack of control he has on his own.

02:01:36.000 He needs to be a leader of a church.

02:01:38.000 He needs to be the man speaking.

02:01:39.000 Meanwhile, he's like crazy.

02:01:41.000 He's a hypocritical piece of shit and he's homophobic.

02:01:44.000 Meanwhile, he's...

02:01:45.000 Smoking meth and getting gay hookers.

02:01:47.000 Right!

02:01:48.000 That's the worst kind, the hypocritical ones.

02:01:50.000 All the congressmen.

02:01:51.000 All the righteous men.

02:01:52.000 Absolutely.

02:01:53.000 All the guys that tell you how to live.

02:01:55.000 Absolutely.

02:01:56.000 And criticize you how you live.

02:01:58.000 Why would you care?

02:02:00.000 Of course.

02:02:01.000 Look, I might not want to live on Santa Monica Boulevard while the fucking gay parade is going on.

02:02:06.000 Nobody in L.A. does.

02:02:07.000 I don't want it to be so that I can't...

02:02:11.000 Driving in my driveway without tripping over dudes fucking each other on my lawn.

02:02:15.000 I don't want it to be that bad.

02:02:16.000 Can you imagine tripping over boners?

02:02:18.000 That'd be so weird.

02:02:19.000 Everywhere you go, they'd cop out of the ground.

02:02:21.000 Have you lived in San Francisco?

02:02:22.000 I did.

02:02:23.000 You pretty much do.

02:02:24.000 I live in that Rick Santorum.

02:02:26.000 That piece of human shit, too.

02:02:27.000 Who is that?

02:02:28.000 He's running for the Republican candidate.

02:02:30.000 Presidential nomination, yeah.

02:02:32.000 He's a huge homophobic piece.

02:02:34.000 Oh, is he?

02:02:34.000 He's probably gay.

02:02:35.000 Of course.

02:02:36.000 He also wants to make...

02:02:38.000 He wants to take away abortion.

02:02:40.000 He's really anti-gay.

02:02:40.000 Not just abortion.

02:02:41.000 He wants to take away birth control.

02:02:43.000 Birth control.

02:02:43.000 Whoa.

02:02:44.000 He doesn't want to make...

02:02:44.000 Because he said that's not what it's for.

02:02:46.000 If you're using birth control, like, you're not...

02:02:48.000 Who the fuck are you?

02:02:49.000 Well, he's...

02:02:50.000 Who the fuck are you, stupid?

02:02:51.000 Well, you know, it's people with their priorities that are so out of whack.

02:02:54.000 Like, why would you even be interested in that?

02:02:56.000 He's a piece of shit.

02:02:56.000 Why would that be what you want to control?

02:02:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:02:58.000 Why do you give a shit?

02:02:59.000 Why do you care?

02:03:00.000 You want to take away birth control, you crazy asshole?

02:03:02.000 You want to make it easier for people to get pregnant accidentally?

02:03:06.000 Exactly.

02:03:07.000 Because that's God's will.

02:03:09.000 Morons, man.

02:03:09.000 But why does he even care about what the gays are doing?

02:03:11.000 Because he wants some gay dick.

02:03:13.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:03:14.000 Fighting off the gay.

02:03:15.000 Tooth and nail, right?

02:03:16.000 I don't even think about it.

02:03:17.000 He's a real motherfucker.

02:03:18.000 All day.

02:03:19.000 All day, all night.

02:03:20.000 Just clawing off that gay, trying to push it back.

02:03:24.000 Sitting on dicks.

02:03:27.000 It's a sad thing when you see these poor fucking people suppressing people.

02:03:30.000 What do you think about this Occupy Wall Street shit?

02:03:33.000 I haven't talked to you about this.

02:03:34.000 What's your take on all this?

02:03:36.000 I think it's great that a group of people want to feel this way about there's a lot of inequality.

02:03:44.000 I think it's great collectively.

02:03:47.000 The problem, the real flaw in Occupy Wall Street and these things is that there's not a clear set of Like, they're trying to achieve it almost like this, you know, like, let's just do this.

02:04:00.000 Collectively, as a society, we're making a statement about being the 99% and you guys the 1% has and we're the have-nots.

02:04:07.000 But I think it would have been more effective if they had had, like, a clear list of, like, this is what we want to accomplish.

02:04:14.000 Yeah.

02:04:14.000 It's more, I feel like, having watched it from outside, I'm not an expert on it by any means, but it just feels like it's more of a statement.

02:04:22.000 You go, oh yeah, it makes people aware, but there isn't really like, you know...

02:04:26.000 A course of action?

02:04:27.000 Not really.

02:04:28.000 What do we do?

02:04:29.000 Well, I think everybody's trying to figure that out, for sure.

02:04:32.000 I guess so.

02:04:32.000 I think, you know, it's interesting, and I think the message really is this.

02:04:37.000 I feel like what I get from it is if Is if you really could get a lot, and I mean a ton of people, behind a certain idea, you can affect change.

02:04:47.000 We're not going to see, I don't think we're seeing a lot of change from the entire Occupy movement, but the idea, it kind of lays out for you that like...

02:04:56.000 They could take over a park or a square or a street and disrupt that day's normal function.

02:05:02.000 And if you were to magnify that, if you were to multiply the number of people there, and you really had people saying, we are not going to stand for this, it leads me to believe that you could affect change.

02:05:12.000 You know what I mean?

02:05:13.000 Sure.

02:05:13.000 Look at the 60s.

02:05:14.000 I mean, there was a whole culture...

02:05:16.000 Well, you know, what's really interesting is that this has only been around for, what, 90 days or something like that?

02:05:20.000 Something like that, yeah.

02:05:22.000 And, you know, they did a recent poll.

02:05:23.000 More than half of America supports the Occupy Wall Street movement.

02:05:26.000 Right.

02:05:26.000 They're not going to participate, though.

02:05:28.000 Yeah, but during the Vietnam War, it took five years to achieve those same numbers.

02:05:33.000 Yeah.

02:05:33.000 It took a long time of protesting before people really thought that the war was a bad idea.

02:05:37.000 You know, people in the 1950s had convinced everybody that communism was going to be a real problem, and, you know, we were looking for communists in our own society, and They were arresting people during the McCarthy era and stuff like that.

02:05:49.000 And I think during the 60s, people were a tad naive to how really fucked up and creepy the government could be.

02:05:56.000 We had just gone a couple of decades from World War II ending.

02:06:01.000 So I think a lot of people thought that the government was just and our army was strong and we fought off the Nazis and we fought off the Japs and we're fucking America and we're not cunts.

02:06:12.000 And then this whole...

02:06:13.000 We're not cunts.

02:06:15.000 I like that motto.

02:06:16.000 The Gulf of Tonkin incident happened, and we were brought into a war.

02:06:20.000 There was no fucking reason to be in Vietnam for any American idea, for anything that any people here that would have supported.

02:06:27.000 They lied to us.

02:06:27.000 They lied to people.

02:06:28.000 They claimed we were attacked when we weren't.

02:06:30.000 They made up bullshit.

02:06:31.000 So I think the people today, we're aware of all these things in much larger numbers.

02:06:39.000 To this day, I bet a lot of people don't realize that the impetus for us getting into the Vietnam War was a hoax.

02:06:44.000 I bet a lot of people aren't aware to this day of Operation Northwoods or all the plans.

02:06:49.000 There was plans to blame if space program things went wrong.

02:06:55.000 There was plans to blame it on the Cubans and attack Cuba.

02:06:58.000 There was a bunch of different plans to blame things on Cubans and attack Cubans.

02:07:02.000 Yeah, they were trying really hard to figure out a way to go to war with Cuba to the point where they were going to fake attacks on American civilians.

02:07:10.000 They were going to arm Cuban friendlies to lob mortars at Guantanamo Bay and attack Guantanamo Bay.

02:07:16.000 I mean, it's some crazy shit.

02:07:18.000 It really is crazy.

02:07:20.000 Which, by the way, Guantanamo Bay, that's pretty fucking crazy, too, when you think of these people that are enemies.

02:07:25.000 One of them has a giant military base on your fucking country.

02:07:27.000 That is nuts.

02:07:28.000 I've been there.

02:07:29.000 Have you really?

02:07:30.000 What the hell is that like, dude?

02:07:31.000 Well, the first thing that strikes you, really, is that it's so beautiful.

02:07:37.000 Really?

02:07:37.000 That's kind of the thing that stands out to you.

02:07:42.000 You imagine, like, I'm going to a military base that It also has one of the world's most notorious prison camps, and it's all in underdeveloped Caribbean waters.

02:07:56.000 Don't they have crazy rats or something?

02:07:57.000 Well, they do.

02:07:58.000 The banana rat will fucking blow your mind.

02:07:59.000 Banana rat?

02:08:00.000 You've got to look it up.

02:08:02.000 It's gross.

02:08:03.000 They're all over the island.

02:08:04.000 Banana rat?

02:08:04.000 Look it up.

02:08:05.000 They're all over the island, and you shit when you first see them.

02:08:08.000 Really?

02:08:08.000 Yeah, they have guys.

02:08:10.000 Holy shit!

02:08:12.000 Oh my god!

02:08:14.000 They're all over the place.

02:08:15.000 And that's the proper reaction to that.

02:08:16.000 Yeah.

02:08:17.000 Look at the size of this fucking thing.

02:08:19.000 Didn't she say that Castro could see?

02:08:21.000 Oh, there's some really cool stuff.

02:08:22.000 Yes.

02:08:23.000 They're actually kind of cute for a rat.

02:08:24.000 I'd rather take a banana rat than a regular rat.

02:08:26.000 Here's how bad the problem is.

02:08:28.000 Fucking pig, dude.

02:08:28.000 There's guys on base.

02:08:29.000 That are not, like, they're not even military guys.

02:08:33.000 They got hired, they give them a.22, and their job is, at night, you just drive around, you shine a light, and you just shoot them.

02:08:40.000 Oh, yeah, I've seen this.

02:08:41.000 I've seen this.

02:08:42.000 I saw that.

02:08:42.000 Are they, like, it's not the same as a nutria, is it?

02:08:45.000 They're not exactly the same, no.

02:08:47.000 Look at this picture.

02:08:49.000 Tell me when you shoot that.

02:08:50.000 You'd shoot it, man.

02:08:51.000 Oh, my God, that's weird.

02:08:52.000 When you shoot that thing, you would shoot it.

02:08:53.000 It's like those weird things on Half-Life.

02:08:55.000 That thing wants to eat your babies, bro.

02:08:56.000 Tell you that right now.

02:08:57.000 That thing wants to eat a baby.

02:08:58.000 That fucking rat, if you left it alone with a baby, it would slowly eat its feet.

02:09:02.000 Fuck yeah, it would.

02:09:03.000 It would eat your baby's feet.

02:09:04.000 This thing's a creepy-ass rat.

02:09:05.000 You see the coastline, and you see the water, and you see...

02:09:09.000 It's basically how much of the Caribbean is underdeveloped.

02:09:12.000 You basically see what the island looked like 500 years ago.

02:09:15.000 Brian, look at this picture.

02:09:16.000 You get a better picture of this one.

02:09:17.000 This is a big-ass fucking animal.

02:09:19.000 Look at that.

02:09:19.000 Yeah.

02:09:20.000 You know that they got me one night and they made me scream.

02:09:23.000 A high-pitched scream.

02:09:26.000 You know Dan Smith, the comedian Dan Smith?

02:09:28.000 Yeah.

02:09:29.000 I was there with him and a couple other guys, Mal Hall and what's his name?

02:09:34.000 Patrick DeGear.

02:09:34.000 We were all there.

02:09:35.000 And we get out of this van and they had talked about...

02:09:40.000 We pull up in the van and they're like, there's a banana rat right there.

02:09:43.000 And the lights of the van are on.

02:09:45.000 So we get out of the van and we all walk kind of close.

02:09:49.000 They told us they eat vegetables or the shrub.

02:09:52.000 They're not predatory.

02:09:53.000 But it's still a gross, massive thing.

02:09:57.000 So I sneak up and I'm still six feet from it.

02:10:02.000 And right as I squat down to look and squint my eyes, Dan runs his fingers up my neck like this and goes like, there it is.

02:10:09.000 And I go, I scream and I'm terrified of this fucking thing.

02:10:13.000 It is the grossest looking thing.

02:10:15.000 And it's massive.

02:10:16.000 It's like a fucking dog, man.

02:10:17.000 It's a rat the size of a dog.

02:10:20.000 You jump.

02:10:20.000 I mean, they're gross.

02:10:22.000 Terrifying and gross.

02:10:23.000 Yeah.

02:10:24.000 Joe, stop masturbating when Tom's talking.

02:10:26.000 I have to.

02:10:26.000 I have to relieve myself.

02:10:28.000 What was that?

02:10:28.000 I was on some military base.

02:10:31.000 The fears.

02:10:32.000 The fears made me...

02:10:33.000 Of Ventura County.

02:10:34.000 And they had like...

02:10:35.000 Yeah.

02:10:35.000 What did they have?

02:10:35.000 Feral raccoons?

02:10:37.000 You couldn't feed them?

02:10:37.000 They were just like everywhere.

02:10:39.000 Really?

02:10:39.000 I don't know.

02:10:40.000 Because you know, there's a military base there.

02:10:41.000 You thought raccoons were friendly.

02:10:42.000 I did.

02:10:43.000 I didn't know that they were dangerous.

02:10:44.000 Jesus.

02:10:45.000 You thought what was friendly?

02:10:46.000 Raccoons.

02:10:46.000 I never grown up with raccoons.

02:10:48.000 I live in LA. I had a huge problem with a raccoon when I lived in New York.

02:10:51.000 I lived in New Rochelle.

02:10:53.000 Where's that?

02:10:54.000 New Rochelle is right outside the Bronx.

02:10:56.000 It's like a suburb.

02:10:57.000 When I moved to New York, I couldn't afford to live in the city.

02:11:01.000 When you live in the city, it's much more expensive.

02:11:03.000 So I lived in the suburbs and I drove...

02:11:05.000 And I needed a car anyway because I drove to gigs and I had to have a place where I could park my car because there's no way I could afford to live in an apartment in New York and have a parking spot.

02:11:15.000 You have to buy a parking spot somewhere and it's fucking brutal.

02:11:17.000 It's really expensive.

02:11:18.000 So I had to pull down this driveway and I would stop my car right in front of the garbage cans.

02:11:25.000 And when I would come home at night, it was fucking terrifying because these raccoons were big.

02:11:31.000 They were really big and they were really well fed because they were just fucking people's garbage cans up left and right.

02:11:37.000 Because, you know, you're dealing with house after house after house and garbage can after garbage can after garbage can.

02:11:41.000 So they're just eating constantly.

02:11:43.000 And they know exactly where the food is.

02:11:45.000 So they pull the tops off that bitch, throw that motherfucker on the ground.

02:11:48.000 I mean, they pull them to the ground.

02:11:51.000 They're aggressive, yeah.

02:11:52.000 And I get out of my car, and this motherfucker's looking at me like, fucking baffles up and shit.

02:11:58.000 And I'm thinking, if this thing charges me, I'm fucked.

02:12:01.000 I'm dead.

02:12:02.000 So I got a blowgun.

02:12:04.000 And, you know, like with darts, you know, a blowgun.

02:12:07.000 I don't know.

02:12:08.000 Oh, oh, okay.

02:12:10.000 Where'd you get that at?

02:12:11.000 Like tranquilizer.

02:12:11.000 I got it at a gun show.

02:12:13.000 That's weird.

02:12:13.000 I went to a gun show.

02:12:14.000 That was the only thing you'd get if you don't have a license for a gun.

02:12:16.000 How fun.

02:12:17.000 So I got a blowgun.

02:12:18.000 Did you ever say you got a chest king?

02:12:19.000 I waited, and these motherfuckers must have known I had a blowgun.

02:12:21.000 I swear to God, he never came back.

02:12:23.000 Really?

02:12:24.000 Really?

02:12:24.000 Yeah, that raccoon never came back.

02:12:25.000 It's almost like he sensed something predatory.

02:12:28.000 He sensed I was laying a trap for his ass.

02:12:30.000 Or he just found some fat people down the hall and had some awesome garbage.

02:12:34.000 Yeah.

02:12:35.000 We got their garbage every night.

02:12:37.000 It's Pizza Cross.

02:12:38.000 Fuck yeah, we got the spot.

02:12:40.000 I never saw that raccoon again, but he was fucking huge, man.

02:12:43.000 I know people in Florida that would go hunting with semi-automatic machine guns to hunt raccoons.

02:12:48.000 Oh my god.

02:12:49.000 Flashlights and then with like AR-15s.

02:12:51.000 Does that really count?

02:12:53.000 Florida is so crazy.

02:12:55.000 It is the craziest place.

02:12:55.000 Florida is not the South.

02:12:57.000 No, it's not.

02:12:58.000 It's not the South and it's not the North.

02:12:59.000 It's the southernmost part of the United States, but it's not considered the South.

02:13:04.000 Isn't that amazing?

02:13:05.000 The South doesn't even want to have anything to do with Florida.

02:13:07.000 The only time the South wants anything to do with Florida is when you go, well, Laren Skinner came from Florida.

02:13:12.000 Oh, you got me.

02:13:13.000 You got me.

02:13:14.000 You got me.

02:13:14.000 Florida is like a hybrid.

02:13:16.000 It is like a strip mall of a state.

02:13:18.000 Yeah.

02:13:19.000 It's a dirty strip mall of a state.

02:13:21.000 Even the best parts of Florida.

02:13:23.000 Whenever I'm in Miami, I love the people down there.

02:13:25.000 They're fun.

02:13:26.000 I love going down there and do gigs.

02:13:29.000 But I always put myself in a position.

02:13:30.000 I say, what if I had to move to Florida?

02:13:32.000 What would I do?

02:13:32.000 I'd be like, fuck!

02:13:34.000 I just think about my kids growing up in Florida and being raped.

02:13:37.000 It's like a hopeless city.

02:13:38.000 My parents live there, bro.

02:13:40.000 I know it's nice.

02:13:41.000 My parents live there.

02:13:42.000 My parents live in a real nice place.

02:13:43.000 But there's something wrong with that state.

02:13:46.000 It's not a coincidence that so many fucking serial killers and psychos come from that spot.

02:13:50.000 And that's also where you go if you're like psycho and you're like, where can I get to fuck some shit off?

02:13:54.000 Where can I ditch your body?

02:13:55.000 Where does it not snow?

02:13:57.000 In my mind, I knew a lot of shady people when I was a kid, and everyone eventually went to Florida.

02:14:03.000 They all went down to Florida.

02:14:04.000 They moved to Florida.

02:14:06.000 My fucking sister moved down to Florida.

02:14:07.000 Her shady husband moved down to Florida.

02:14:09.000 My fucking parents moved down to Florida.

02:14:11.000 They're attracted to it.

02:14:13.000 The weather's phenomenal.

02:14:15.000 Until the sky becomes a fucking brick wall of rain.

02:14:18.000 Have you ever had that happen?

02:14:19.000 You have to stop your car.

02:14:21.000 You have to stop the car on the highway because you can't drive.

02:14:24.000 I don't think people understand what kind of rain we're talking about.

02:14:27.000 It's insane!

02:14:29.000 Eddie Bravo had a seminar in Miami.

02:14:31.000 We drove from Fort Lauderdale down to Miami.

02:14:34.000 It was like 15-20 minutes?

02:14:36.000 Not even, right?

02:14:36.000 We're on the highway.

02:14:38.000 We can't go anywhere!

02:14:39.000 You literally can't drive and it feels like your car is getting fucked up.

02:14:43.000 It's like hail.

02:14:46.000 It's whooshing down.

02:14:47.000 It's like a year's worth of rain all in one blast.

02:14:50.000 It's incredible.

02:14:51.000 The whole highway stopped dead.

02:14:53.000 Hobbits all the time.

02:14:54.000 You can't even see in front of you.

02:14:55.000 You can't even drive.

02:14:56.000 People don't know about that shit.

02:14:57.000 That type of rain, too, is like, you think, oh, that must be a tropical storm or a hurricane, which I've driven both of those and they're horrifying and crazy and you can't believe that.

02:15:07.000 No, that's just rain.

02:15:08.000 That's just an afternoon shower.

02:15:10.000 That's just hard rain.

02:15:11.000 That ain't shit.

02:15:12.000 The hurricane is that times a million plus flying trees.

02:15:15.000 I've not experienced a hurricane yet.

02:15:17.000 I was at a hurricane in Boston.

02:15:19.000 I don't remember what year, but by the time it got up to us, everybody was just scared and huddled in.

02:15:24.000 We lived in Newton.

02:15:26.000 We were pretty far inland.

02:15:27.000 The real people that had to worry were the people that were on the shore.

02:15:30.000 How wicked was the hurricane?

02:15:32.000 It was wicked pisser.

02:15:33.000 I came in and fucked everybody sideways.

02:15:39.000 It's crazy.

02:15:40.000 Was it like a big hurricane though?

02:15:41.000 Was it like a three?

02:15:42.000 If I had a choice between moving back to Boston and living in Florida, I'd take Boston in a fucking heartbeat.

02:15:47.000 Really?

02:15:47.000 Shit winters and all.

02:15:49.000 Fuck yeah.

02:15:49.000 Why?

02:15:50.000 First of all, they have a sense of humor.

02:15:52.000 Wait, are you saying Boston versus Florida, you'd pick Boston?

02:15:54.000 Fuck yeah.

02:15:55.000 No doubt about it.

02:15:57.000 Are you kidding me?

02:15:58.000 Human beings in Boston, it does not compare.

02:16:01.000 Just being around the human beings, you'd have way more fun in Boston.

02:16:04.000 A thousand times more fun.

02:16:06.000 They're way more fun.

02:16:07.000 The further south you go to in Florida, it gets crazier, more aggressive.

02:16:12.000 You might as well be in a foreign country.

02:16:14.000 Oh, I love it.

02:16:14.000 They should have a fucking passport to go to Miami.

02:16:16.000 I love it.

02:16:17.000 They should check you at the border.

02:16:19.000 You guys are thinking all the bad parts of Florida.

02:16:22.000 There's so much good shit.

02:16:23.000 There's so much pussy.

02:16:24.000 Tommy and I have done a bunch of gigs in Florida.

02:16:27.000 We did the Florida Comedy Festival.

02:16:28.000 We did that theater down in Miami.

02:16:30.000 We've done the improv a couple times.

02:16:32.000 We did Tampa.

02:16:33.000 We did West Palm.

02:16:34.000 We've done a bunch of gigs.

02:16:35.000 It's fun.

02:16:36.000 That's crazy.

02:16:37.000 I'm done with that place.

02:16:38.000 I cut that place out of my diet in the early 2000s.

02:16:41.000 Me and Joey Diaz used to go down there because Joey knew the guy who was the original owner.

02:16:45.000 The original owner is always like, let me get a drawer.

02:16:48.000 That was back when Joey was in the dark days and he would just get money.

02:16:51.000 And the club owners would be reluctant to give him money because he might disappear.

02:16:55.000 Call you from Havana on a fucking raft.

02:16:57.000 Dog, I don't know how I got here, but it looks like I'm stuck.

02:17:00.000 You know, and we would go to these, do these shows at the Miami Improv, and the whole crowd would break out into a fucking discussion.

02:17:08.000 Like, over nothing.

02:17:09.000 They're real chatty.

02:17:10.000 I had a joke where I mentioned Oscar De La Hoya.

02:17:12.000 Somehow or another, it was like a part of a joke that I used to do.

02:17:15.000 Something about getting punched by Oscar De La Hoya.

02:17:18.000 And then someone goes...

02:17:19.000 Fuck Oscar De La Jolla, man!

02:17:21.000 Fernando Vargas!

02:17:22.000 Fernando Vargas!

02:17:23.000 And then it was like, he's a bitch!

02:17:25.000 Julio Cesar Chavez is the man!

02:17:27.000 And then it became this fucking crazy argument amongst apes.

02:17:32.000 They might as well.

02:17:33.000 They might as well have been...

02:17:35.000 Chimpanzees that someone taught how to talk.

02:17:37.000 They were just the dumbest human beings I've ever been around.

02:17:40.000 And the rest of the crowd was the people who were forced to live around these moron kids.

02:17:45.000 And so they were just like sighing, like shaking their head back and forth.

02:17:48.000 Like, oh, I'm sorry.

02:17:50.000 But it was a savage crowd.

02:17:52.000 They had not tamed that crowd.

02:17:54.000 And because of that, the most unruly of the unruly, the dumbest of the dumb, were drawn to that club and they papered the fuck out of the room.

02:18:01.000 The original owner, he used to gack out hardcore.

02:18:05.000 What's that mean?

02:18:06.000 No!

02:18:09.000 And so he wasn't taking care of the place correctly, apparently.

02:18:13.000 I don't know.

02:18:14.000 You should try it these days.

02:18:15.000 This is allegedly.

02:18:15.000 This is all allegedly.

02:18:16.000 I'm not trying Miami Improv.

02:18:18.000 It's fun now.

02:18:19.000 Fuck!

02:18:20.000 Fuck you!

02:18:21.000 It's fun now.

02:18:21.000 I remember the day when I was on stage where this was breaking out.

02:18:25.000 This fucking fire.

02:18:25.000 I don't know why this, bro!

02:18:27.000 And I stop in the middle of my set and I go, you people are way too dumb and I'm never coming back here.

02:18:31.000 I'm like, this is ridiculous.

02:18:33.000 Did you not come out?

02:18:34.000 You came out to a comedy show and you want to yell at who's your favorite boxer.

02:18:38.000 There was the impulsiveness.

02:18:41.000 There was no discipline.

02:18:43.000 It was literally like you were around the brattiest kids ever, but they were drinking and somehow or another they were 21. They were the brattiest kids who just felt like they could just yell things out.

02:18:56.000 And it's like, does anybody ever tell you to shut the fuck up?

02:18:58.000 Ever?

02:18:58.000 I know.

02:18:59.000 Does anybody ever tell you to shut the fuck up?

02:19:00.000 Because this is nonsense.

02:19:02.000 You have to be a crazy person to come to a comedy club and be this unaware.

02:19:06.000 Well, yeah.

02:19:07.000 Can I ask you something?

02:19:08.000 Because this happened to me at the comedy store on Saturday.

02:19:11.000 Have you ever had someone...

02:19:13.000 Just make a comment in the crowd or just say some shit to you that enrages you.

02:19:18.000 It hits a trigger in you so fucking hard.

02:19:22.000 That's what they're trying to do.

02:19:23.000 Yeah, and you see Red and you're like, I'm gonna fucking...

02:19:25.000 And then they have that big animated troll face.

02:19:28.000 I love that face.

02:19:31.000 That's what they have.

02:19:32.000 They won.

02:19:33.000 What did he say?

02:19:34.000 What do you do?

02:19:35.000 It was so stupid.

02:19:36.000 I was talking about birth control pill and how they market it.

02:19:39.000 And they always say it's to regulate.

02:19:41.000 It was a dumb throwaway.

02:19:42.000 It was a minute thing.

02:19:43.000 And I don't usually talk about my period.

02:19:45.000 I know that's a fucking email comic cliche.

02:19:48.000 And I know.

02:19:49.000 And he made an audible, ugh!

02:19:52.000 And I went bonkers because he had a woman with him.

02:19:56.000 And in my head I'm thinking, Asshole, you're with a woman.

02:19:59.000 You fuck that woman.

02:20:00.000 You put your mouth on her vagina.

02:20:03.000 Babies, come out of that vagina.

02:20:06.000 Why are you so offended at just the sheer...

02:20:10.000 Like I said, it wasn't a bit about it.

02:20:11.000 I didn't go into it.

02:20:12.000 It was a throwaway thing I had said.

02:20:14.000 And it immediately, for whatever reason, I wanted to fucking kill that guy.

02:20:18.000 Well, because your instincts are correct.

02:20:20.000 The guy's a douchebag.

02:20:22.000 And what was really going on was that the guy is probably insecure, and he probably wanted to impress the girl by being more funny than you, or by criticizing you, or maybe came in with really close-minded expectations, like, chicks aren't funny.

02:20:36.000 There's a fucking chick up there.

02:20:37.000 Right, but he was laughing.

02:20:37.000 Everything after that, I did well, and then he laughed.

02:20:40.000 Yeah.

02:20:41.000 Everything after that.

02:20:41.000 Well, you know what?

02:20:42.000 Maybe he had to shut the fuck up because he knew that he was going to get crushed and then he was like, oh my god, I'm getting no pussy now.

02:20:47.000 I'm already a loser.

02:20:49.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:20:49.000 You know, he probably panicked.

02:20:50.000 Oh, I see.

02:20:51.000 He probably got a little cocky.

02:20:52.000 I see.

02:20:53.000 You fucking chest flexed him and he panicked and he went into a goddamn tailspin.

02:20:58.000 Yeah, I see.

02:20:59.000 But then how do you deal with people when they say shit that just triggers your thing?

02:21:04.000 You've got to be zen.

02:21:04.000 Look, it's all snake poison.

02:21:06.000 This is what it is.

02:21:07.000 I need help, guys.

02:21:09.000 When you get bit by a snake the first time, you get fucked up.

02:21:12.000 It's venomous.

02:21:12.000 It tears you up.

02:21:14.000 You're sick.

02:21:14.000 You could die.

02:21:16.000 But after those fucking guys that handle snakes all the time, when they get bit, those motherfuckers, they're immune to the shit because they give themselves injections of snake venom.

02:21:23.000 They do it on purpose.

02:21:24.000 It's like a comic forcing themselves to do a spot at the comic store Tuesday at 1 o'clock in the morning.

02:21:28.000 You're giving yourself snake venom.

02:21:30.000 The only people there are junkies or fucking wastoids or drunk tourists that just wandered in from off the street.

02:21:37.000 I don't know.

02:21:37.000 It's not like it's a comedy connoisseur audience, right?

02:21:40.000 But that's snake venom.

02:21:42.000 You get a little snake venom in you and after a while you become immune to it.

02:21:45.000 And then when people yell things out, then you can go, why are you yelling?

02:21:48.000 What's going on with you?

02:21:49.000 That's actually brilliant, yeah.

02:21:51.000 Then you turn it on them and then they become a part of the show.

02:21:53.000 My issue with it is then it's a different kind of comedy.

02:21:56.000 People enjoy it because they love...

02:21:58.000 Off the cuff shit.

02:21:59.000 They love watching hackers get destroyed.

02:22:01.000 People get a kick out of that shit.

02:22:02.000 But at the end of the day, it's a different show.

02:22:04.000 You're not doing your set anymore.

02:22:06.000 What's much better is that you get to do your set unfucked with.

02:22:10.000 Yeah, I can do that, man.

02:22:11.000 Look, I do question and answers where I'll do like an hour more and I'll just let people yell out anything.

02:22:17.000 And I talk to the people in the crowd.

02:22:19.000 I do that all the time.

02:22:20.000 But that's after I've already done my material, man.

02:22:22.000 Don't interrupt.

02:22:23.000 That's gross.

02:22:24.000 And the only people that do that are idiots.

02:22:26.000 You have to be an idiot to yell at a movie theater.

02:22:29.000 You have to be an idiot to yell at a comedy show, to try to get someone's attention, to try to interrupt and inject your own bullshit.

02:22:35.000 I always tell them, man, go to an open mic night.

02:22:37.000 It's not that hard.

02:22:37.000 You can do it.

02:22:38.000 I know you do.

02:22:39.000 I know you're insecure, and this is the easy way to do it.

02:22:41.000 But really, you want attention.

02:22:42.000 And you want attention that you don't fucking deserve.

02:22:44.000 And instead of going through the proper channels to get this attention, what you're doing is trying to usurp it from someone who has achieved it.

02:22:49.000 Here, you are on the stage.

02:22:50.000 You've gone through the part of getting hired by the club.

02:22:53.000 You've got television credits.

02:22:54.000 You're an established stand-up comedian, seasoned by the road.

02:22:57.000 You're on the stage, and this person literally wants to jump into your spot automatically, usurp your position.

02:23:03.000 They're essentially trying to steal your bike.

02:23:05.000 Yeah.

02:23:06.000 Yeah, that's what he's trying to do.

02:23:07.000 Yeah, I don't agree with the mentality.

02:23:09.000 I don't understand that I would never do that.

02:23:11.000 Because you're not a cunt.

02:23:11.000 That's fucking crazy.

02:23:12.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:23:13.000 I always say only losers do that shit.

02:23:16.000 You're not going to take a winner.

02:23:17.000 There's no winner in the world.

02:23:18.000 No person who's got their shit together in the world who wants to yell out and cause attention to this whole other comedy show.

02:23:24.000 That's a sign of immaturity or just a lack of objective analysis of their own self and the way they behave.

02:23:32.000 It's a total lack of civility, too.

02:23:33.000 I was more mad at myself that I let that guy sidetrack me.

02:23:36.000 That's what always happens.

02:23:37.000 But it's good for you.

02:23:38.000 Ultimately, it's good for you.

02:23:39.000 It is, really.

02:23:40.000 You learn from that shit.

02:23:41.000 Because then you're like, why did that trigger that in me?

02:23:44.000 I just wanted to kill him.

02:23:46.000 The worst is when they come up to you, I was helping you out up there.

02:23:49.000 Oh, yeah.

02:23:53.000 Brian, you've been heckled a lot, right?

02:23:55.000 You get heckled, don't you?

02:23:56.000 No, not really.

02:23:58.000 I've seen you get heckled.

02:23:59.000 Do you not remember?

02:24:00.000 No.

02:24:00.000 No, I mean, nothing bad.

02:24:02.000 Maybe somebody will yell something out, but nothing like where they keep on going the whole time, where it's like a real heckle back and forth.

02:24:09.000 How much difference do you find in doing my shows as opposed to doing just random shows on the road?

02:24:14.000 Your shows are just fun because they know me.

02:24:17.000 And that completely is awesome because they already know my sense of humor.

02:24:23.000 Yeah, they already know you're a silly person.

02:24:24.000 Yeah, so it's already easy for you just to start your show.

02:24:27.000 It's totally different, right?

02:24:28.000 Isn't that cool?

02:24:29.000 That's the best when you have your own audience.

02:24:31.000 Yeah, I can't wait.

02:24:32.000 You guys are going to have it.

02:24:33.000 Look, you know, your podcast is fucking hilarious.

02:24:37.000 And folks who haven't heard it, it's Your Mom's House and it's on Death Squad.

02:24:40.000 So if you go to iTunes and if you want to look specifically for theirs, look for the Death Squad ones that say Your Mom's House.

02:24:47.000 And that's Tom and the lovely Mrs. Segura.

02:24:50.000 One of my favorite ones.

02:24:51.000 It's a lot of fun to do, man.

02:24:53.000 We really enjoy doing it.

02:24:54.000 Yeah, and we're going to put the Ice House ones, folks, for everybody who's been asking.

02:24:58.000 That is also now going to be on Death Squad.

02:25:00.000 So what it's called is the Ice House Chronicles, and we have a full studio set up in Pasadena, and it is fucking dope.

02:25:07.000 And Brian has been doing all of his podcasts out of there now.

02:25:11.000 That's cool.

02:25:11.000 Yeah, it's awesome.

02:25:12.000 We're going to do one out of there this Thursday.

02:25:14.000 I'm not sure who's going to do it yet, but then we're going to have a show there Thursday night.

02:25:17.000 So that should be a lot of fun.

02:25:19.000 The Thursday night show is a 10 p.m.

02:25:21.000 show, and...

02:25:23.000 Get tickets from the Ice House, icehousecomedy.com and get them quick because it will sell out.

02:25:28.000 It's only 85 seats.

02:25:29.000 We did it last week and it sold out and it was fucking awesome.

02:25:31.000 The crowd is cool as shit, man.

02:25:34.000 These podcast fans are awesome.

02:25:37.000 This is the greatest, smartest thing I've ever done and it totally happened by accident.

02:25:40.000 Can I ask your fans to come see me?

02:25:42.000 Yes!

02:25:43.000 Where are you?

02:25:43.000 This week I'm going to be at the Comedy Mix in the great city of Vancouver.

02:25:47.000 Oh, that is a great club.

02:25:48.000 Thursday, Friday, Saturday at the Comedy Mix on Burrard Street.

02:25:51.000 It's one of my favorites that I play.

02:25:53.000 Yeah, that is the old Yuck Yucks.

02:25:57.000 I've never done that yet.

02:25:58.000 Yuck Yucks in Vancouver.

02:25:59.000 It's the shit.

02:25:59.000 Oh, it's one of the best...

02:26:01.000 set up rooms in the country or I shouldn't say in the country because Canada not just the country North America North America it's a perfect setup it's low ceilings tight seating I love it great place nice crowd great owner nice guy nice people that work there It's great.

02:26:19.000 Yeah, Tommy and I did it last time we did it.

02:26:21.000 We did a theater on Friday...

02:26:22.000 What did we do on Friday night?

02:26:23.000 Where did we go?

02:26:23.000 I forget the name of the theater.

02:26:25.000 We did a theater on Friday night, and then Saturday night, after the fights, we went...

02:26:28.000 No, is it Enmore?

02:26:29.000 Is that right?

02:26:30.000 I don't remember.

02:26:31.000 And then after the fights, we went and did...

02:26:32.000 It might have been...

02:26:33.000 And after the fights, we went and did the comedy mix.

02:26:35.000 It's fucking great.

02:26:36.000 What a great little club.

02:26:37.000 And like I said, it used to be Yuck Yucks.

02:26:39.000 We did it as Yuck Yucks back in the day, right?

02:26:40.000 You, me, and who else?

02:26:41.000 Who else did it with us?

02:26:42.000 Yoshi.

02:26:43.000 Yoshi did it with us.

02:26:44.000 Who's going to be on the show Thursday night?

02:26:45.000 Thursday night.

02:26:46.000 Yeah.

02:26:46.000 I did it once.

02:26:47.000 We've got to do more shows with Yoshi.

02:26:48.000 Yeah, I like Yoshi a lot.

02:26:50.000 He's hilarious.

02:26:51.000 He's friends with Asa Akira, this girl that we had on the podcast yesterday.

02:26:55.000 By the way, have you guys watched a porn video on your TV recently, like in HD? Like, it's completely disgusting.

02:27:03.000 No.

02:27:04.000 Well, you're watching that hardcore open up your asshole.

02:27:07.000 Oh, I hate that.

02:27:08.000 Well, I haven't watched porn on a TV recently, I don't know.

02:27:11.000 I hate singing cypher.

02:27:13.000 They're doing terrible things to people.

02:27:14.000 That's super aggressive shit.

02:27:15.000 Yeah.

02:27:16.000 It's like the rape simulation.

02:27:18.000 There's a lot of spitting and assholes.

02:27:19.000 It's just rape.

02:27:20.000 You're watching race.

02:27:22.000 You're watching rape now.

02:27:23.000 That's aggressive shit.

02:27:24.000 He had like eagle claws.

02:27:26.000 Yeah.

02:27:26.000 And he was prying upon the nostril and the vagina at the same time.

02:27:30.000 I don't like seeing that whole rectal...

02:27:32.000 Eagle claw.

02:27:33.000 And I'm also not like...

02:27:36.000 I mean, I like it watching an aggressively done blowjob, sure.

02:27:40.000 Do you?

02:27:40.000 I don't like it aggressive at all.

02:27:46.000 I don't like confusing sex with rape.

02:27:48.000 I agree it's too violent.

02:27:50.000 I don't mean violent.

02:27:51.000 I am very, very in touch with my chimpanzee instincts.

02:27:56.000 And I think there's probably some dark reason why men are so much fucking stronger than women.

02:28:00.000 And it probably has a lot to do with nature wanting us to hold you down and fuck the shit out of you.

02:28:05.000 Sometimes you fight back and we have to club you.

02:28:08.000 So I don't want to ever tap into that fucking primordial pool of behavior.

02:28:14.000 I mean the aggressiveness coming from the girl.

02:28:16.000 I don't mean like a throat smash.

02:28:18.000 Oh yeah, I know.

02:28:19.000 When they get crazy.

02:28:21.000 That's fun to watch for a little bit.

02:28:23.000 But then when they go like...

02:28:29.000 I don't like it that aggressive.

02:28:30.000 Can I tell you, I don't like either.

02:28:32.000 And I love Bella Donna because she's very pro.

02:28:34.000 I like her energy and I like her as a person.

02:28:36.000 I got to meet her at Sam Tripoli's Naughty Show.

02:28:39.000 But when she puts a baseball bat.

02:28:41.000 Up her ass.

02:28:43.000 Not the thin end.

02:28:45.000 The other end.

02:28:46.000 Not the end you hold.

02:28:48.000 What the fuck?

02:28:48.000 I forget who sent me that.

02:28:50.000 I think it might have been Duncan.

02:28:51.000 It was a long time ago someone sent me that video.

02:28:54.000 And the heading just said, batter up.

02:28:56.000 And so I opened the email.

02:28:58.000 You know it's one of those things where someone just sends you something in the email.

02:29:01.000 I opened the email and then it just said, I love people!

02:29:04.000 Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.

02:29:06.000 And then this link.

02:29:07.000 And I clicked the link and this girl has a bat up her ass.

02:29:09.000 Yeah.

02:29:09.000 And just joyfully.

02:29:10.000 Well, I was like, well, fuck, man.

02:29:12.000 Someone finally did the last thing that there is to do.

02:29:15.000 And then I thought about it.

02:29:16.000 I'm like, wow, I wonder how long it took to do this.

02:29:18.000 And then I said, well, how many people have done this?

02:29:20.000 So then I Googled baseball bat up the ass.

02:29:22.000 And there's like fucking 28,284 million.

02:29:26.000 I mean, who knows how many goddamn results there were.

02:29:29.000 But it was ridiculous.

02:29:30.000 It's like there's a whole genre of porn where girls stick baseball bats up each other's asses now.

02:29:36.000 She didn't do it first.

02:29:37.000 They can't help but take it to the darkest level possible.

02:29:41.000 Didn't you say that Homegirl did double anal and double vaginal?

02:29:45.000 We were joking in the interview.

02:29:46.000 I said something about double vaginal and double anal.

02:29:48.000 Which is Trey Parker in Matt Stone's band.

02:29:50.000 That's why I always say it as a joke.

02:29:52.000 I didn't think people actually did it.

02:29:54.000 Asshole and vagina were really like the center point of a kaleidoscope of vaginal.

02:29:58.000 Male bodies.

02:29:59.000 It was just male bodies and then two cocks in her vagina and two cocks in her asshole.

02:30:04.000 How do you do that physically?

02:30:06.000 How do you physically stand?

02:30:08.000 How does everybody find a good spot to stand?

02:30:10.000 Four Asians?

02:30:12.000 That's not even good.

02:30:13.000 Four cocks!

02:30:14.000 They would have to be like Cirque du Soleil dancers.

02:30:16.000 This video that she's in though, every time...

02:30:19.000 Wait, who are we talking about?

02:30:20.000 Bella Donner?

02:30:20.000 Asa Akira.

02:30:21.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

02:30:22.000 And every video she went to, or every person she went to, it just got bigger and bigger.

02:30:26.000 She was fucking this black dude, where his dick, seriously, was about the size from my kneecap to my foot.

02:30:33.000 And thick.

02:30:34.000 That thick.

02:30:35.000 And she's just fucking in the ass with that.

02:30:37.000 It just slips right in, and it's in HD, and it's fucking...

02:30:42.000 I put it on 3D, and it didn't help anything.

02:30:45.000 But that's what bothers me is that they hurry in the anal.

02:30:48.000 They hurry?

02:30:49.000 I'm very timid.

02:30:50.000 They get busy with it?

02:30:51.000 Yeah, it's like, are you ready?

02:30:52.000 Bam!

02:30:53.000 There's no gentle...

02:30:56.000 Are you ready?

02:30:57.000 Yeah, there's no gentle one finger.

02:31:00.000 Well, you know what it is?

02:31:01.000 Because obviously there's some editing, some professional editing.

02:31:04.000 What they're giving you is only the most extreme aspect of the fantasy.

02:31:07.000 A lot of it involves men abusing the women.

02:31:09.000 Yeah, this guy was dragging her from one part of the house to the other part of the house by her hands.

02:31:13.000 I heard somewhere that the incidence of rape has gone down.

02:31:43.000 With this type of porn?

02:31:45.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:31:45.000 Well, that's the Japanese philosophy.

02:31:47.000 I don't know if it's true.

02:31:49.000 I don't know if it's founded.

02:31:50.000 Makes sense.

02:31:51.000 Look, I think sexual suppression is responsible.

02:31:53.000 And then also the lack of expression is responsible for a lot of things that people do where they act out, do something fucked up.

02:32:00.000 But then how many people are going to be inspired by these videos to actually do it to get the ultimate thrill and do it in real life?

02:32:06.000 I don't know.

02:32:06.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:32:08.000 I'm a lady.

02:32:08.000 Do you guys ever switch it up in the bedroom?

02:32:10.000 Like, Tom dresses up as the woman and you dress up as the guy?

02:32:13.000 Yeah, no big deal.

02:32:15.000 Whatever, whatever.

02:32:17.000 Tom wears the shoes with the heels and whatever.

02:32:20.000 Could you see Tom as a woman?

02:32:21.000 I put on her onesie.

02:32:22.000 I put on her onesie.

02:32:23.000 Oh, you did, yeah.

02:32:24.000 Hey, Tom.

02:32:24.000 Well, let me ask you this, Tom, because you're a sports fan.

02:32:26.000 Yeah.

02:32:27.000 You're a big sports fan.

02:32:28.000 What do you think about the whole Oscar De La Hoya getting caught wearing women's clothes?

02:32:31.000 Hey!

02:32:31.000 No, he just recently admitted it.

02:32:33.000 He got caught a long time ago.

02:32:34.000 He got caught a while ago.

02:32:35.000 But he said it was all Photoshop nonsense.

02:32:37.000 Yeah.

02:32:37.000 But he recently admitted it because he said it's been haunting him.

02:32:40.000 Yeah.

02:32:40.000 And apparently, like, this other girl just came out.

02:32:42.000 Another girl just came out and did an interview and said that this was like he would do.

02:32:45.000 He would corner everybody.

02:32:47.000 He wouldn't let the girls leave.

02:32:48.000 He'd, like, intimidate them.

02:32:48.000 He'd be, like, wearing girls' clothes and hanging out with them and talking like a girl.

02:32:52.000 I think, I mean, I totally buy it.

02:32:54.000 And I mean, I think it's quirky.

02:32:55.000 But I think, you know, when you hear, like, a story about somebody and your brain always does the assessment of, like, Right.

02:33:01.000 Can I see this person doing that?

02:33:03.000 Right.

02:33:03.000 When I heard that initially about Oscar de Hoya, I was like, you get over the, like, the what?

02:33:08.000 What's the story?

02:33:08.000 And then I was like, oh, I could see that.

02:33:11.000 I could too.

02:33:11.000 I could see that.

02:33:12.000 Do you think it's a gay thing?

02:33:12.000 Like, if you said, like, Bernard Hopkins did it, I'd be like, nah, nah, dude.

02:33:15.000 No, J. Edgar Hoover was a cross-dresser.

02:33:17.000 No, he was gay.

02:33:17.000 It's cross-dressing.

02:33:18.000 J. Edgar Hoover was gay.

02:33:19.000 Was he?

02:33:19.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:33:20.000 He was gay.

02:33:20.000 Well, my understanding of cross-dressing is that it is not necessarily related to homosexuality.

02:33:24.000 That doesn't make any sense to me.

02:33:25.000 Yeah.

02:33:26.000 Seems pretty queer from where I'm sitting.

02:33:28.000 Yeah.

02:33:28.000 It might be a different flavor of queer.

02:33:30.000 It might not be your standard, genetic, I was born gay queer.

02:33:34.000 But it's still queer.

02:33:35.000 I think it leads to something to it.

02:33:38.000 And I respect him.

02:33:40.000 And by the way, I have zero problem with any kink that you have.

02:33:44.000 I'm not criticizing him in any way.

02:33:46.000 I don't want to get confused.

02:33:47.000 I respect that guy.

02:33:48.000 I think he's a great fighter.

02:33:49.000 He's a great fighter.

02:33:49.000 An interesting guy and a very brilliant businessman.

02:33:52.000 If you want to wear dresses, I think you should wear dresses.

02:33:54.000 I don't give a fuck.

02:33:55.000 I think it's just weird.

02:33:57.000 Is that what it is?

02:33:58.000 It's pretty.

02:33:59.000 It's just fun.

02:34:01.000 Guys like him.

02:34:02.000 I think he...

02:34:02.000 I like him.

02:34:04.000 He's from LA. I think if he were to...

02:34:05.000 I don't know if he's from here.

02:34:06.000 Oscar?

02:34:07.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:34:07.000 East LA. If he were to promote fights in a dress, that would be...

02:34:11.000 I got very excited.

02:34:14.000 Well, there's a Japanese guy.

02:34:14.000 He's bringing a whole new market.

02:34:16.000 I would go watch it.

02:34:17.000 I forget the guy's name.

02:34:18.000 I'll look it up real quick because I don't want to end this on a bad note.

02:34:21.000 There's a Japanese kickboxer that's a cross-dresser.

02:34:24.000 Is he out about it?

02:34:26.000 Oh, yeah.

02:34:27.000 It's part of his walk-in entrance.

02:34:29.000 He comes into the ring with the fucking wig on and pigtails and dressed up like a schoolgirl.

02:34:37.000 And beats the fuck out of people.

02:34:39.000 I mean, he's a badass kickboxer.

02:34:42.000 Well, it's okay if I wear pants and a tuxedo.

02:34:44.000 Yeah, it's different.

02:34:45.000 Guys, we don't really, you know...

02:34:48.000 But why is it considered...

02:34:48.000 It's not considered cross-dressing if I dress like a dude?

02:34:50.000 There's not...

02:34:51.000 I don't think guys that aren't...

02:34:53.000 Most straight men don't have any desire to wear a dress.

02:34:58.000 No, I know.

02:34:58.000 No, I completely understand.

02:34:59.000 A kilt?

02:34:59.000 Let your balls loose a little bit?

02:35:00.000 That's about as far as it goes, right?

02:35:02.000 Yeah, I mean, there's more utility in me wearing pants.

02:35:05.000 Yeah, than guys wearing...

02:35:07.000 Have you ever worn a girl's thong before?

02:35:09.000 No.

02:35:09.000 It's really pointless.

02:35:11.000 Why did you wear a girl's thong?

02:35:12.000 I don't even wear a girl's thong.

02:35:13.000 I spent the night at my girlfriend's house recently and I didn't have any underwear.

02:35:16.000 You put on her thong?

02:35:16.000 I took a shower and I was like, do you have any underwear?

02:35:18.000 She's like, I only have thongs.

02:35:19.000 And I'm like, no.

02:35:20.000 So I tried it.

02:35:21.000 It was pretty much pointless.

02:35:22.000 Why do you even bother wearing it?

02:35:23.000 Can I tell you how unsanitary they are?

02:35:25.000 You tried it because you're like, I need underwear.

02:35:27.000 Right.

02:35:27.000 It's stupid.

02:35:29.000 Well, it puts your asshole bacteria on your vagina.

02:35:31.000 Yeah, you get a yeast infection that way.

02:35:34.000 It's terrible for you.

02:35:34.000 You gotta get some full back cotton breathers.

02:35:37.000 Like mommy wear.

02:35:38.000 Did you know that you were not supposed to move your dick from the ass up?

02:35:41.000 You didn't know?

02:35:43.000 I didn't know for a while.

02:35:44.000 How'd you not know?

02:35:44.000 I mean, I found out recent.

02:35:45.000 How the fuck did you not know?

02:35:48.000 Stuff and shit into your asshole.

02:35:48.000 Because I never got into ass sex much, I guess.

02:35:51.000 It's not bad.

02:35:51.000 Well, you know, little girls, little young girls, oftentimes get sick because they wipe their ass incorrectly.

02:35:57.000 Because they wipe their ass into their vagina.

02:35:59.000 You've got to teach them to wipe their ass the wrong way.

02:36:01.000 They can get, like, septic.

02:36:02.000 You can.

02:36:03.000 It's fucking dangerous, man.

02:36:04.000 It's like, you can get really sick, like, real bad.

02:36:06.000 And that's how sick you can get from going butthole to vagina.

02:36:10.000 Yeah, I never really had to deal with that, I guess, until recently.

02:36:12.000 Do you get shit on your balls?

02:36:13.000 It's in your mouth.

02:36:14.000 Do you get shit on your balls?

02:36:16.000 How are you wiping?

02:36:17.000 Standing up with one leg on the...

02:36:19.000 Which direction are you wiping?

02:36:21.000 Are you wiping front to back?

02:36:23.000 He likes his balls with shitty...

02:36:25.000 Or whichever side hurts less to the other side last.

02:36:29.000 What do you mean?

02:36:30.000 He abuses his asshole.

02:36:31.000 He ate a lot of meat.

02:36:33.000 He uses plugs a lot.

02:36:36.000 David tells my brother.

02:36:37.000 I've been using paper towels a lot to wipe.

02:36:39.000 Oh, do not flush that shit.

02:36:42.000 That would destroy your whole entire plumbing.

02:36:44.000 Nagashima, that's the dude.

02:36:45.000 The dude's name is Nagashima.

02:36:48.000 Nagashima is the Japanese gentleman who dresses up like a girl.

02:36:52.000 And even in his...

02:36:53.000 Look at this, check this out.

02:36:54.000 What is he wearing?

02:36:55.000 Take a look at this.

02:36:55.000 Yeah, he's a badass.

02:36:56.000 He knocked out Shinya Aoki.

02:36:58.000 He's one of the best MMA guys in the world.

02:37:00.000 This is him with a wig on, dressed like a girl.

02:37:03.000 What kind of wig does he like?

02:37:04.000 This one's a blonde one.

02:37:05.000 He wears different ones all the time.

02:37:06.000 Oh, who doesn't want to be a blonde one?

02:37:09.000 Uchihiro Nagashima.

02:37:10.000 That's bad motherfucker, for real?

02:37:11.000 Oh, dude.

02:37:12.000 He destroyed Shinya.

02:37:14.000 Does he enter the ring like that?

02:37:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:37:16.000 Look, here's another one of him.

02:37:17.000 Look at this.

02:37:17.000 This one, he's got a blue wig on.

02:37:19.000 He's dressed like a girl.

02:37:20.000 I love the Japanese.

02:37:21.000 So do I. And he beats the fuck out of people.

02:37:26.000 So do you think, in your opinion, is that like, he's gay, this is like, I'm taking my gay rage to the ring?

02:37:32.000 No, I mean, I don't know.

02:37:33.000 Look, for sure there's been some gay fighters, but no one's ever come out And he's not open?

02:37:38.000 No, no, he might not be gay.

02:37:40.000 He might just be just for fun.

02:37:42.000 I'm sorry, gay boxers, you mean?

02:37:44.000 MMA fighters.

02:37:45.000 Well, gay boxers as well.

02:37:47.000 Emil Griffith is a famous middleweight champion, and there's a guy who taunted him, and the guy wound up dying.

02:37:54.000 Bernie Perrette, I think the guy's name was?

02:37:55.000 Bernie Perrette?

02:37:56.000 I forget the guy's name.

02:37:57.000 But he killed him in a fight, I believe it was in New York, in a boxing match.

02:38:01.000 The guy had taunted him for being gay.

02:38:03.000 Yeah, there's, you know, there's...

02:38:06.000 Yeah, there's...

02:38:06.000 You don't want to taunt gay buzzers.

02:38:08.000 Yeah, I'd beat the shit out of him, too.

02:38:11.000 Isn't that smart?

02:38:12.000 Somebody told me about a show in New York, I forget at what club, where one of the comics was making, I don't know, gay jokes, but doing just gay slurs, and I don't know what he was saying, and there was a big, jacked-up dude in the audience who just came on stage and just punched him twice, knocked him out.

02:38:30.000 Oh, good.

02:38:30.000 There you go.

02:38:31.000 Yeah, Jesus Christ.

02:38:32.000 Can I tell you the good thing about comics is that we don't become serial killers or pedophiles.

02:38:37.000 I mean, I'm sure there's some rapists.

02:38:38.000 What about that rapist that was the one guy who was the cruise liner guy who would go to colleges and shit and rape girls?

02:38:44.000 Yeah.

02:38:45.000 Rapists, yes.

02:38:45.000 And ask them to pray for them.

02:38:46.000 He would rape them and ask them to pray for them.

02:38:48.000 Oh, my God.

02:38:49.000 Yeah, Emile Griffith was widely known as being a gay man, and he had a fight with this guy, Benny Paré, in 1962 for the Welterweight Championship.

02:38:57.000 And the guy had taunted him about being gay, and he beat him to death.

02:39:01.000 Jesus.

02:39:01.000 He beat that fucking guy to death.

02:39:03.000 Jesus.

02:39:05.000 But other than that, there's few and far between people who have been recognized as being gay.

02:39:09.000 That's what you get, man.

02:39:10.000 We tell the story on the podcast about this one guy who got caught in an MMA promotion.

02:39:14.000 Well, there is another guy who is an out guy who fights in MMA fights.

02:39:18.000 I forget his name right now.

02:39:19.000 It escapes me.

02:39:20.000 Shane, Shane Smith, I think.

02:39:21.000 But he's out.

02:39:22.000 They've done stories about him in the New York Times.

02:39:25.000 Shad Smith, that's his name.

02:39:27.000 And this other guy, they caught him because they researched his name, and they found out that another guy with the same name had done a bunch of gay porns, and then he just vanished.

02:39:35.000 He just disappeared and stopped fighting.

02:39:37.000 But other than that, no one's ever come out.

02:39:40.000 Would that be a big deal?

02:39:42.000 Except that Shad Smith character.

02:39:42.000 I mean, in 2011?

02:39:44.000 For a lot of people.

02:39:45.000 Sure.

02:39:45.000 Do they tap in?

02:39:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:39:47.000 For a lot of people, it'd be a big deal.

02:39:48.000 Do they tap in?

02:39:49.000 What does that mean?

02:39:50.000 Well, instead of tapping out.

02:39:51.000 LAUGHTER Oh, Brian, you silly goose.

02:39:56.000 And with that note...

02:39:57.000 Oh, I want to say thank you to Lorenzo from the Psychedelic Salon podcast.

02:40:02.000 I listen to a couple podcasts.

02:40:05.000 I listen to The Death Squad.

02:40:06.000 I listen to a bunch of different ones like Kevin Smith and Marc Maron and Adam Carole when I get a chance.

02:40:12.000 But really, I've been listening to, yeah, Your Mom's House and The Naughty Show and all these different ones.

02:40:17.000 But really, I've been listening to The Psychedelic Salon a lot lately.

02:40:20.000 So I want to thank this guy, Lorenzo, for putting that out.

02:40:23.000 And you could subscribe to that as well.

02:40:25.000 It's all free.

02:40:26.000 I think it's on iTunes.

02:40:27.000 I'm pretty sure it is.

02:40:28.000 But you can find it.

02:40:30.000 Go look for it.

02:40:30.000 Google it.

02:40:31.000 Psychedelic Salon.

02:40:32.000 It's the shit.

02:40:33.000 And what it really is is a lot of really interesting talks with a lot of Terrence McKenna stuff.

02:40:38.000 And I listened to this really crazy Timothy Leary talk the other day.

02:40:42.000 Really interesting, interesting shit.

02:40:44.000 Thank you.

02:40:46.000 Can I tell you, fans, after Vancouver this weekend, December 1st through the 4th, I'll be in Calgary at the Laugh Shop.

02:40:53.000 Oh, nice.

02:40:55.000 And December 15th through 18th, I'm really looking forward to the Laughing Skull in Atlanta, which is really fun.

02:41:01.000 Oh, that's right.

02:41:02.000 And then Christine and I will both be for New Year's in Seattle at Parlor Live.

02:41:07.000 And December 14th through 17th, Crackers Comedy Club in Indianapolis.

02:41:12.000 Downtown, baby!

02:41:13.000 How often do you guys work together?

02:41:15.000 Seldom.

02:41:16.000 Not that much.

02:41:17.000 We try to.

02:41:18.000 Yeah, it's fun.

02:41:18.000 But it's so corny, the marketing.

02:41:19.000 No, it's not.

02:41:20.000 You don't know how to do it yet.

02:41:21.000 You don't have to do it corny.

02:41:22.000 You're both funny.

02:41:23.000 You're both funny.

02:41:24.000 If I didn't think you were both funny, I would never say that you were both funny on the air.

02:41:29.000 I really do.

02:41:30.000 No, yeah.

02:41:30.000 You guys are both hilarious.

02:41:31.000 You'd be awesome together.

02:41:32.000 It is fun.

02:41:33.000 It is fun.

02:41:33.000 We do it.

02:41:34.000 New Year's will be a blast.

02:41:34.000 Do it.

02:41:34.000 You should market yourself.

02:41:35.000 It would make your marriage a lot easier.

02:41:37.000 You don't have to...

02:41:37.000 That's true.

02:41:38.000 You could kiss each other.

02:41:39.000 You could fucking bang right before you go on stage.

02:41:42.000 You could just shoot one in there and just go right up on stage.

02:41:44.000 Send her up on stage dripping.

02:41:46.000 How about that?

02:41:47.000 How about that?

02:41:48.000 I could put a baseball bat in my ass before I go up.

02:41:50.000 You should launch her onto the stage with your cough.

02:41:53.000 You know what I could do?

02:41:53.000 That's a really good idea.

02:41:54.000 And that's our hook.

02:41:56.000 I could put DMT and vodka on the tip of my dick.

02:42:00.000 And then you go up super high.

02:42:01.000 Wow, you guys.

02:42:02.000 Thank you to the Fleshlight.

02:42:03.000 Thanks for having us.

02:42:05.000 In a free society, we would have a Fleshlight with DMT and vodka at the end of it.

02:42:09.000 But no, in this dirty little prison that we live in, where you're confined, you can't do what you really want to do!

02:42:15.000 This fucking government's holding me back, goddammit!

02:42:18.000 Thank you to the Fleshlight.

02:42:19.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link, enter in the code name Rogan, get it in the mail, open it up, lube it up, and get your freak on.

02:42:27.000 Okay?

02:42:28.000 Holla at your boy.

02:42:28.000 Thanks, dude.

02:42:29.000 Enter in your name and you get 15% off.

02:42:31.000 And thank you to Onnit.com.

02:42:32.000 Try out Alpha Brain and try out New Mood.

02:42:35.000 New Mood's the newest one.

02:42:36.000 And I'm fucking loving it.

02:42:38.000 And there's another one called Shroom Tech, which is for very athletic people that's based on the Cordyceps Mushroom.

02:42:43.000 It's an endurance enhancer that I've been enjoying as well.

02:42:46.000 Onnit.com.

02:42:47.000 O-N-N-I-T. And if you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the Alpha Brain link, enter in the codename Rogan, you will save yourself 10%.

02:42:57.000 We are bitches.

02:42:59.000 Cause you know we love you.

02:43:00.000 Thank you to Tom Segura.

02:43:01.000 Please follow him on Twitter.

02:43:03.000 It's Tom S-E-G-U-R-A. And follow Christina Segura.

02:43:07.000 Even though she goes by this fucking P at the end of her name.

02:43:11.000 With some bunch of fucking random vowels and consonants jammed up together.

02:43:16.000 And some strange soup of words that no one can...

02:43:18.000 I bet you can't even spell your name.

02:43:20.000 Can you spell your name?

02:43:20.000 How often do you spell your name wrong?

02:43:22.000 Never.

02:43:23.000 Never, not ever, Joe Rogan.

02:43:25.000 Come on, son.

02:43:25.000 How dare you?

02:43:26.000 At Christina P. At Christina P. And we'll be back.

02:43:30.000 Doug Benson's doing it tomorrow.

02:43:32.000 With Doug Benson tomorrow at 3 p.m.

02:43:35.000 And then, again, we will have a podcast and we will have a show at the Ice House on Thursday night.

02:43:41.000 So it'll be the same thing.

02:43:42.000 Podcast while the show's going on.

02:43:43.000 We're going to podcast before the show goes on.

02:43:45.000 8 o'clock p.m.

02:43:46.000 At 8 o'clock we're going to start the podcast.

02:43:48.000 It's a party.

02:43:50.000 Okay, folks?

02:43:50.000 It's a fucking party and you're invited but you don't get to talk.

02:43:54.000 I'm sorry you can't talk too.

02:43:56.000 I'm sorry you can't talk too.

02:43:57.000 But I'm happy that you're enjoying it.

02:43:59.000 And we love you guys and we'll talk to you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - November 15, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #157 - Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Summary

Transcript