Joe Rogan and his good friend Brian talk about how to fuck a bad cantaloupe, how to get a yeast infection from eating it, and how many people have actually FUCED cantaloupes. Joe also talks about a girl who accidentally uses hot oil to fuck her ass and it ruins her ass, and Brian tells a story about how he accidentally shot a load in his ass by mistake. Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by The Fleshlight.If you enter the code ROGAN at checkout and click on the link and enter in the code "ROGAN" you get 15% off the most popular sex toy for men, the Fleshlight, and Doug Benson, if you want one, I have one for you. It's got Doug's name on it and it's got your name on the back. Did I tell you my slogan I came up with for the sex toy I like? No, I like it because it's simple, it's clean and I like the way you think. And it's cheap. And I have a bunch of extras for you if you're in the mood for a good time. Thanks for listening and Happy New Year! XOXO, Brian and Joe "The Joe Rogans Experience" -Jon & Brian Host: Brian and Nick Producer: Brian Music: Jeff Perla Editor: Alex Blumberg Audio Engineer: Ben Koppel Mixer: Kevin McElroy Thanks to Producer: Christiane ( ) and Brian ( ) and Dan ( ) Thanks to Jake ( ) for sending us some of your questions and feedback and suggestions for the show notes, and the guys who sent in the questions and thoughts on the questions you guys sent in to the show and the rest of the crew at the guys at the pod and we got them out on the pod, and they sent them out to the podcasters at the Podchaser and the amazing people who sent them to us. and they did their best to make us back with their best work on this week's answer them. Thank you so much! and we hope you enjoy the pod is amazing! - Brian and Brian do their best and hope you all have a great week and we can all have the best week! Thank you for all the best of your feedback and the feedback we got back from you guys are getting the best possible day.
00:02:18.000How many people have actually gone through it, you know?
00:02:21.000I mean, a lot of people have probably looked at a cantaloupe and they were drunk and thought, I could fuck that.
00:02:25.000And, like, maybe looked for an apple cork, couldn't find it, or tried to make a hole, a circular hole with a knife and it didn't work out, and they're like, ah, fuck it.
00:02:33.000But how many people actually went ahead, fucked it, and came inside the cantaloupe?
00:05:49.000You just get a little butthole mixed in for fun.
00:05:51.000If you get to page 1,199, you might see something fucked up.
00:05:59.000An old dude named Wells Fargo bent over showing you his butt off.
00:06:04.000It's funny how that goatsy thing, that guy pulling apart his asshole, that is the internet, man.
00:06:11.000There's a photo, I forget, it was one of those memes, and it was a kid that was horrified, it was photoshopped, obviously, and right in front of this kid's face was the goatsy asshole, and it just said, welcome to the internet.
00:06:27.000laughter I mean, if you could pick one image that represents the internet, for me, it's the Goatsy asshole guy.
00:08:00.000Go read what nootropics are all about.
00:08:03.000Online and you know and try it it might not work for you might work for you for some people There's everybody is different biologically I think and I think stuff that might work for you is not necessarily gonna work for me Go buy a winch I'm instead I mean there's some people that can't deal with caffeine some people I mean I don't I don't know if it's gonna work for you but for me it works Caffeine's not my thing but I'd still try it you know you never know Are you a caffeine guy?
00:08:42.000No, no, I'll have like a, you know, I'll have like a fancy, like this time of year, I'll like to have like a pumpkin latte every once in a while or something.
00:10:02.000I think Brian's the kind of guy that, for me, if I masturbate, it's usually like I can go to sleep right after that, but I imagine Brian would masturbate and then want to stay up late enough to be able to masturbate again.
00:11:07.000I mean, it doesn't have that profound an effect.
00:11:10.000Quite honestly, it's like most vitamins.
00:11:12.000I believe in vitamins and I think it's very important to take care of your body and give it a lot of nutrients and stuff.
00:11:17.000Most vitamins don't have an immediate effect.
00:11:20.000You take vitamins, you have an overall sense of, I'm doing the right thing, and I'm putting good food in my body, and maybe you might feel like you have a little bit more energy, but the effects of having a lack of nutrients, it's slow and long.
00:11:35.000It's not like you take vitamins and then all of a sudden, I feel amazing!
00:11:41.000No, it's like if you do have a good nutritional base, you will feel better.
00:11:47.000If you are taking nutrients, your body will be working better, and it will work better.
00:23:32.000And he watched this neighborhood turn from being an all-Italian neighborhood To being an all-black neighborhood, and then it became like all Spanish.
00:23:41.000You know, like various different kinds of, you know, people from Puerto Rico, people from all different nationalities, but a lot of Spanish people now.
00:23:48.000So it was really almost like a kid watched this whole thing where he was in this old-school America, you know, 1940s, and then boom, all of a sudden he's living in a modern age where everything has just gone crazy around him.
00:24:03.000I bet Mitt Romney's done some of that blockbusting.
00:24:58.000The ultimate acceptance that, as a unit, we're only as strong as our weakest link.
00:25:05.000If you're working towards things as the leader, if you're supposed to be the number one guy, you're at the top calling all the shots, the number one thing you have to take care of is the weakest of the links.
00:26:13.000It's a money grab by all these fucking corporate whores.
00:26:16.000And all these people who have paid for these politicians to be in place and paid for these laws to be in place are just reaping the profits while the rest of us freak the fuck out because we can't figure out why the resources are going the way they're going.
00:27:06.000It freaks me out because I can't believe it's this bad in 2011. I was listening to a Robert Anton Wilson lecture.
00:27:13.000It was in 1993. He was talking about how war is in the process of being phased out.
00:27:21.000And he was talking about how in the future it's obviously being phased out.
00:27:28.000And I wonder what he would have said now, today, thinking about that like in 1993. That in 1993 I thought war was going to be phased out too.
00:27:53.000Because it doesn't seem like it's being phased out.
00:27:54.000No, it seems like it's heating up, like we may be pulling it out of a couple places, but going into new ones.
00:27:59.000Yeah, it's like, what the fuck is going on?
00:28:02.000If there's something else going on, let me know, alright?
00:28:05.000If Indiana Jones has found the fucking Lost Temple, and the Ark of the Covenant is in there, and you have to keep the bad guys from getting to it, because, you know, if not, it would be hell on earth.
00:29:59.000And, you know, they used quite a bit of force to get everybody out of there.
00:30:03.000And now they're letting people back in, but they're saying they can't have tents and sleeping bags.
00:30:07.000Like, you can go back in and just stand there.
00:30:09.000And the idea is they figure that that's going to kill the movement a little bit because it's getting so cold.
00:30:14.000And they won't be able to last through the winter.
00:30:17.000But Bloomberg keeps saying it's a safety issue.
00:30:20.000And also that they have the right to peaceably assemble, but they don't have a right to have a tent or a sleeping bag.
00:30:27.000Which is just kind of like, well, but that's so that they can assemble peaceably and not just all freeze to death in the middle of the fucking park in New York.
00:30:35.000Like, why would they want casualties or why would they want people to suffer that much, you know, in order to just express their, you know, anger at Wall Street?
00:30:47.000I mean, I think it's fantastic that it's that it that that it's happening everywhere.
00:30:53.000You know, that there's, you know, there's Occupy Dubuque and stuff like that, but also this new.
00:30:59.000Bloomberg doing this, if he had just let it be, the movement might have died.
00:31:04.000But it brought this whole new media storm and all this new footage of cops just beating up these people that don't look like hippies.
00:32:37.000There's definitely two sides to it, but it just feels like what Bloomberg did sort of energized the movement in a way that might not have happened if he did just let it play out.
00:32:50.000How would anybody expect them to behave, though?
00:32:53.000They've got to figure out a way to squash this, and they have to take drastic measures.
00:32:57.000That's why they go through in the middle of the night, everybody's fucking half asleep, and they go in there and just say, you've got to go now, get out.
00:33:04.000But there's footage of cops lifting guys up and throwing them over the barricade and stuff.
00:33:10.000And the cops, for the most part, I like to say they're doing what they're told to do.
00:33:17.000Yeah, they're doing what they're told to do, but when they're doing it, all of a sudden the people that don't want to listen become the enemy.
00:35:47.000I was like, I never get a chance to brag about this, but I worked at the arcade that had the very first Dragon's Lair, the test one, before it went public, and I probably killed the dragon.
00:35:59.000I was probably maybe the 30th or 40th person in the world to get all the way to the end and kill the dragon.
00:36:05.000Because I would stay at night when I was off duty, and I had keys to the place, and I would just stay in there and play and play and play until I finally got to the dragon.
00:36:15.000You know, figured it all out and killed the dragon.
00:36:17.000And, you know, and then eventually it went, you know, went public.
00:36:28.000But when you walked in, there was all this corrugated tin and stuff that simulates, kind of like you're going into like Space Mountain or something.
00:36:35.000And there's like stars on the ceiling.
00:37:22.000You're in a cave roaring down a river in a raft or something, and you can go to the right or the left, and so if you toggle to the right, you go the rest of the way without encountering anything, but if you go the other way, something goes wrong and you lose a life or something.
00:37:40.000There's just a bunch of options through the whole thing.
00:37:43.000Until finally you get to and kill the dragon.
00:37:46.000But yeah, it was weird because it was early enough in video games where it wasn't like you could really make the things do that much.
00:37:56.000Because also it was pre-animated and there weren't a lot of options.
00:37:59.000So as long as you did the right thing, you move forward or there would be a scene of you failing.
00:38:04.000They have it on the iPad I believe now.
00:39:22.000Yeah, you just kind of like are always kind of moving to the left or the right or in the case of like throwing the sword into the dragon, I think you had to just press the button and motion in that direction at the same time.
00:39:34.000Yeah, Laserdisc games of the 80s were one of my favorite things ever.
00:39:37.000He had that mock It was really cool because it was also using a laser display.
00:44:54.000In first-person shooters, you have to be in direct coordination with your left hand, which moves your keys, and your right hand, which controls the mouse.
00:45:21.000Yeah, but they'd have, you know, you could play four people at a time, so me and Posehn and two other people would just sit there for hours chasing each other around, trying to shoot each other.
00:45:32.000The whole staff on news radio, the entire writing staff, was addicted to Quake.
00:45:37.000And they had a LAN set up, a local area network set up in the office where they had like six, seven computers all linked up together and they would have these mad Quake tournaments.
00:46:23.000We'll bring our computers, our cantaloupes, and then we would just sit there and play Battlefield or whatever for like hours until like 5 in the morning.
00:53:13.000But, you know, all of a sudden, you know, you're in a fight with your husband, and, you know, you're having email talks with your ex-boyfriend, and all of a sudden you start thinking, you know, maybe this guy and I could give it one more shot.
00:53:36.000There's always some gamemanship or somebody wants something and then the trouble is that other people in your life start questioning what's going on and it sucks.
00:55:02.000And then they're always like, yeah, but do you have any advice?
00:55:04.000And I really, like, there's lots of little tiny pieces of advice that you can give if you want to sit with a person and talk to them for two weeks.
00:55:15.000Yeah, never underestimate the power of actually fucking doing something.
00:55:18.000Yeah, and also not, the fact that they're questioning it at all, the fact that they're looking to someone else for help to get started, makes you think that they, how are they ever going to make it because they don't want it badly enough.
00:58:55.000And Doug Stanhope was the host, you know, the MC for like one of those crazy weeks where you do two shows a night for seven nights and crowds were starting to get smaller than, you know, like the kind of the Vegas comedy boom was starting to fade a little bit.
00:59:13.000And Sharipa would just yell at him every night.
00:59:30.000He just sort of picks one person to pick on, to kind of establish to the group that you can't get away with anything.
00:59:38.000But Doug, like, super good kid, you know, nice guy.
00:59:43.000I was a few years older than him and, you know, thought I really had it under control.
00:59:46.000And the three of us, we just all, that were working with him, we just all sort of thought, oh, you know, we'll see what happens with him because his act was just like...
00:59:56.000It's like just somebody trying to do a stand-up act and not...
00:59:59.000I think Stanhope really turned a corner when he just started talking about his own experiences instead of trying to say, do you ever notice?
01:02:45.000I was like, dude, you're hanging out with people who are probably severely imbalanced.
01:02:50.000It's not just a matter of them being homeless.
01:02:52.000A lot of the homeless people that you find on the streets are really people that were kicked out of mental institutions or got out of mental institutions and didn't have anybody to take care of them.
01:03:02.000There's a lot of crazy people out there.
01:03:03.000Or just lost their mind randomly and didn't fit in anymore.
01:03:06.000Slowly but surely eroded until that was their reality.
01:03:09.000Their reality was they're the rats of society.
01:03:13.000That's funny that when I brought Doug up, I totally skipped that whole that you guys did a show together thing.
01:03:20.000I knew you knew who he was because he's so funny, but I was talking about it like...
01:03:27.000Yeah, you know, we both know Doug Stanhope, but you actually really know the guy.
01:03:31.000Like, I, you know, have just run into him here and there over the years, and we've always been, you know, friendly.
01:03:35.000And I just recently just told him, when you're in L.A., you know, let me know, because I want him on my podcast.
01:03:55.000That was weird seeing him like that, wasn't it?
01:03:57.000Yeah, but also it was an interesting amalgam of what he's really like and then some things that Louis just wrote for him to play that were, I guess, Louis just sort of rounding out the character in a dramatic way.
01:06:11.000Just this last weekend, it was funny because I was in Arizona in Flagstaff and then Phoenix, and I didn't know I was going to be doing the show this week.
01:06:20.000I thought, oh, I'll be on again at some point.
01:06:23.000I figured I'd be back here on the show, but I didn't know...
01:06:27.000You called me yesterday or the day before, and we set this up.
01:06:31.000So last weekend, over the course of a couple of shows, there's probably about a good 10, 15 people who said to me, go on Joe's show again, or I want to hear you on Joe's show again.
01:06:43.000And I was just like, yeah, don't worry about it.
01:06:45.000And like, they're probably right now being like, what the fuck?
01:06:48.000That asshole didn't say he was gonna be on a couple days later.
01:06:52.000Yeah, we don't really schedule this thing in advance, folks.
01:06:54.000We keep this bitch as organic as possible.
01:06:57.000Yeah, but also you're dealing with the schedules of, you know, you mostly have your comedian friends who, you know, they're all in and out of town and have shit to do and Well, that's what the coolest thing about it is that, you know, most of us are around, if we're around, we're around, like, the days we do the podcast, like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
01:07:13.000And now it really has an impact on guys' gigs, too.
01:09:41.000Like, because that's the thing that's crazy to me is, like, whenever somebody remembers a ton of stuff from when they were little, I'm always kind of...
01:09:56.000I think that is a lot of what happens.
01:09:58.000I don't think our memory is that fucking good.
01:09:59.000And I think they don't understand really where memory is stored.
01:10:04.000The issue with memory and the brain is that they believe that every seven years, virtually every cell in the body is regenerated and reborn anew.
01:13:12.000That's what it makes your balls feel like when you're going around that whole Pacific Coast Highway looking at that fucking cliff, that fucking drop that's right there!
01:13:21.000It's right there and it's forever and the ground moves around this bitch all the time.
01:13:26.000It's like you're essentially playing a game of musical chairs.
01:13:30.000You're just hoping you can get from this point to that point where the really thin fucking outcropping that your little metal box is driving around with nothing to stop you from just driving right the fuck off the thing into the ground and the rocks and the ocean.
01:14:29.000A tsunami of bad luck coming your way, and you're in the left-hand lane, and you get bumped off into the fucking great blue yonder of the ocean floor.
01:16:31.000In San Diego, when I was in high school, there was this street where it was kind of like a San Francisco-style street where it went pretty steep and then straight for just a bit and then steep again.
01:16:42.000and you could get air if you wanted to going down it.
01:16:49.000And so we would intentionally drive fast enough to get the car up into the air, and it's the dumbest thing you could do.
01:17:03.000One time on another hill driving with some friends, as a joke, or not as a joke, for whatever reason I was trying to throw the car into neutral, and I threw it into reverse while going quickly downhill.
01:18:01.000Oh, I did so much silly shit when I was a kid.
01:18:03.000It's amazing that kids should be allowed to drive cars.
01:18:05.000Oh, so now when I'm driving around, whenever I get cut off by somebody that looks like they're 15, 16, I'm just like, they're such assholes.
01:18:12.000Also, when I was that age, I was an asshole driver, but all I had was maybe an occasional fast food from the drive-in.
01:20:26.000They're going to drive everyone around.
01:20:27.000Driving is going to be so easy because it's all going to have magnets around your whole car that they just have to push one button for like on or something.
01:22:07.000But you are also using it different than some people use the internet.
01:22:11.000A lot of people just go on there, play cards, and talk about video games.
01:22:15.000But even then, say if you have an hour to kill and you're at the airport, you log on to your favorite video game forum and you find out what the hell's going on.
01:22:57.000The emotions would get people dick-hard.
01:23:00.000I do like porn where everybody seems to be having fun more than porn where people seem to be, you know...
01:23:06.000I just watched a horrible porn the other day that was just rape porn.
01:23:09.000Some people like watching porn where people fight and then they fuck.
01:23:13.000And then when they fuck, they get back at each other and then resolve their issues through fucking.
01:23:19.000People like those, they like videos like that.
01:23:21.000People are actually angry at each other because that's when they have their best sex.
01:23:25.000A lot of people have the best sex they ever have is makeup sex.
01:23:28.000There's girls that will like, I firmly believe, they have learned to start fights so that the man will step in, argue with them for a little bit, then they resolve everything, they make up, they say they love you, and then they fuck and they love it.
01:23:41.000And they have like super extra charged fucking.
01:23:43.000So I think they start problems, and men and women, I'm sure.
01:37:00.000Sometimes I'll just take some dumb tweet that Kim Kardashian wrote or something and I'll say, blocked.
01:37:05.000Or somebody will write something to me that's actually kind of nice and I'll write blocked just to be silly and I'll write to them and say, I didn't really block you, I just...
01:37:13.000I just wanted to retweet what you said, but I also...
01:37:15.000I don't like just retweeting compliments and stuff, because I just think that that's just...
01:37:19.000Oh, so you retweet a compliment and then say blocked?
01:37:45.000I just get the same questions all the time.
01:37:47.000People always ask me, because I follow 420 people, I thought that'd be a funny thing on my page that says I follow 420 people, but then also, that's about how many people I want to follow, like if there's somebody that I'm not interested in anymore.
01:38:02.000And I want to add somebody, I'll drop somebody and add them.
01:38:05.000I just keep it at 420. Oh, that's hilarious.
01:38:07.000And then a lot of people get it right away.
01:38:08.000They don't ask to be added because they're like, I don't want to ruin your 420 thing, dude, but I'd love it if you added me or whatever.
01:38:14.000Dude, is anybody more connected to the pop movement than you?
01:38:57.000And just make sure you find out where you can go, because it has to be physical signatures, which is the most fucked up thing in this computer age.
01:39:04.000People should be able to sign petitions now on their computer.
01:39:43.000Yeah, they're not stopping people at all.
01:39:44.000There's a lot of cities, and there's 16 states in Washington, D.C. that are medical, but then a lot of cities, it's been kind of quietly...
01:40:05.000The whole dispensary system isn't in place.
01:40:07.000And that's the problem currently in California is that the feds are again threatening to basically close down dispensaries.
01:40:14.000And then the question is, well, where are the patients?
01:40:16.000Because they seem to be okay with patients at this point.
01:40:19.000Like if you're a medical marijuana patient, you should be able to get it.
01:40:22.000But where are the patients going to get it if they close down the dispensaries?
01:40:26.000I guess they're supposed to grow their own or have some sort of co-op.
01:40:29.000I think the concern from the law enforcement is that there's a lot of profit being made that is not supposed to be according to the way the law is structured.
01:40:40.000You're not supposed to be able to profit as much as these people are profiting.
01:40:44.000But the bottom line is, that should be the very last thing that law enforcement is devoting its resources to.
01:40:55.000So all your attention should be devoted to crime.
01:40:59.000All your attention should be devoted to reckless drivers, drunk drivers, crime, assault, And violent crime associated with marijuana would go away if it was legal.
01:41:10.000Yeah, just leave it alone and I swear everything will be better.
01:41:25.000No one's going to shoot you when you're closing down a pot store.
01:41:27.000You know, you go there, you bring guys who are dressed like they're ready to go to war in Afghanistan, and they fucking go in there with machine guns, and they clear everything out, and they take everything.
01:41:37.000You know, the ones that they had in LA a few years back, where they had the guys who had Blackwater uniforms on, they were Blackwater guys.
01:41:45.000They hired mercenaries to go in there and clean up and close down these pot shops.
01:41:56.000In Super Jaime, we show two different raids, and one of the biggest laughs in the movies, unfortunately not me speaking, somebody that's just a protester advocate that's hanging outside a place that's being raided...
01:42:11.000Yells at the guys as they're walking downstairs with boxes full of marijuana and money.
01:42:16.000Yells at him, go bust a meth lab, you pussies.
01:43:14.000People support troops, but very few people support cops.
01:43:17.000There's bad cops, for sure, but it's a small percentage.
01:43:21.000We get to see how good cops are, though, because we're usually in situations where it's sort of, you know, especially you, like where you see a lot of law enforcement that's like kind of, they're sort of protecting you in just being out in public and stuff, right? they're sort of protecting you in just being out in I don't really have cops protecting me when I'm out in public.
01:43:42.000No, but I mean, when they see you, they're like, you're a celebrity to them.
01:43:45.000So you're like, the last thing their cops are going to do is hassle you.
01:46:14.000It's like these cops are, you know, they're forced every day to go out there and try to combat this ever-growing thing that shows no signs of weakening.
01:46:21.000In fact, shows signs of gaining momentum and strength.
01:46:24.000And that's why all these movements are being taken to try to squash it and try to suppress it because they go Well, we got to stop this now because right now it's 30,000 people.
01:46:34.000What the fuck do we do when it's 300,000 people out there?
01:46:37.000They're gonna come through those doors 300,000 people are gonna come through those doors and they're gonna start throwing people out windows, you know, and I don't think they will I I mean, it's not violent.
01:46:45.000It hasn't been a violent movement so far, but that's what they would do if they had 300,000 people.
01:46:50.000So if you think of, if you're like Mayor Bloomberg, or if you're one of these fucking guys that owns some giant hedge fund, and you've made billions of dollars just raping people your whole life, and then all of a sudden, you picture what you would do if you were all those people.
01:48:05.000Everything behind everything is money now.
01:48:09.000The money that these people are going to try to defeat Obama, the money, the millions and millions that they're raising, that all it's going to is just trying to win an election?
01:48:23.000Those millions of dollars could feed people, and instead they're just putting somebody else in charge who's not, you know, because Obama, as much as he seems to try, you know, there's...
01:48:38.000I mean, if he wins, I think his next four years can be kind of interesting because he'll kind of have a nothing-to-fucking-lose kind of attitude.
01:50:02.000What I'm not for is the people that put soldiers in situations where these soldiers think they're doing the right thing because they're following orders.
01:50:08.000They think they're doing the right thing because they're going after guys who look like bad guys.
01:50:12.000But the big question never gets answered.
01:50:13.000What the fuck are you doing there in the first place?
01:50:16.000You think you're doing the right thing?
01:50:17.000What the fuck are you doing there in the first place?
01:51:02.000Do you think that all this is leading up to like the protest, you know, getting the troops back here, like all this is just going to lead to something like a new Hands Across America and a new We Are The World?
01:53:19.000Yeah, I'm pretty sure during the peak of mixed martial arts, they had something like 80,000 plus people, which is really insane when you think about it.
01:53:26.000Because when we did the UFC, it was 55, but then they released an additional 5,000 seats and they sold them too.
01:53:42.000It was really stressful for everyone doing it because they had these giant fucking TVs everywhere, so everything is being shown on these 80-foot fucking TVs.
01:53:57.000The back of the Rogers Center has a fucking hotel with windows wide open, and people had rooms where they could look out their window and watch the fight.
01:55:21.000I don't know the exact specifics of the situation with their law, but it was deemed that the way the law was written, the cannabis laws, were unconstitutional.
01:55:30.000And they only had a certain amount of time to fight that.
01:55:32.000And they're in the midst of it right now.
01:55:35.000I'm pretty sure it's going to be decided sometime before the end of the year, before the end of December, I believe.
01:58:28.000The movie that I was in, The Union, The Business of Getting High, have you ever watched that?
01:58:33.000My friend Adam Scorgy did it, and it's all about the economy in Vancouver and how much of it is based around marijuana and how insane it is and the American laws and all the horseshit that goes on with legalization.
01:58:46.000But it's a great documentary on how ridiculous the whole scenario is, the fact that it's illegal in the first place.
01:58:54.000We should vaporize while we talk about this.
02:01:18.000But, you know, I'd rather have a blunt than a joint and a pipe over, you know, and then bongs.
02:01:23.000You know, bongs, really, like, I hit them so rarely now that they really knock me on my ass, you know?
02:01:29.000And, like, especially, like, somebody puts some, like, fucking hash oil in there or something.
02:01:33.000Because I'm really getting used to just smoking vaporizer in my apartment and, you know, and doing a lot of edibles, so my smoking game is coming down, you know?
02:02:52.000Yeah, that seemed like a pretty good hit.
02:02:56.000What do you know about this nonsense that the ATF is going to stop people from getting new firearms if you were a medical marijuana patient now?
02:03:52.000Like behind the wheel of a car, how many people do you know are like when they're high and driving, they're maniacs and dangerous and more of a threat than maybe if they weren't high.
02:04:30.000It's like when you're high and you're leaving a hotel room.
02:04:32.000You pace around the room three or four times to make sure you've got all of your items, and then one time out of five, you left something behind and you're just going to have to buy it.
02:04:41.000Check your pocket for $20 to buy a new iPhone adapter at the airport.
02:05:29.000Apple just released a recall on power adapters, and it's funny.
02:05:33.000It's about time they did something about this, because I've seen this on both my power adapters for laptops and iPhones, where the cord kind of comes out of the plug.
02:05:54.000That seems to be the fucking bottleneck, though, is battery life.
02:05:56.000The real battery life, you know, you have to be connected to power.
02:06:00.000You know, real battery life is just not substantial enough.
02:06:02.000They're giving us more power everywhere now.
02:06:04.000Yeah, but the real question is, will there ever be some sort of an infinite battery source or some sort of an amazing battery source where shit lasts forever?
02:07:01.000Like, yeah, I would rather, you know, anybody, but the reason why they work so good is because there's not a billion different douchebags making these computers with all these different parts, and, you know, then the operating system has to figure out How the drivers to each individual device work and how they work together.
02:07:18.000I just think Windows is a shitty operating system.
02:07:20.000It used to be good and then they went to...
02:08:37.000And also you used to be able to get free games on pong by the metal thing in the front that you that you put the quarters into the slot if you rubbed your feet on the ground on carpeting and built up static electricity and then had like a piece of metal in your hand like a quarter you could tap it just right and it would throw credits on the on of the machine.
02:09:03.000Through my life, I've always found all these weird scams that eventually, like, not only do they not save you a whole lot in the first place, just 25 cents, but they also, over time, become worthless.
02:09:14.000But it's weird, the little skills you pick up just to cheat the...
02:09:18.000Like the skee-ball scam, where you just bend over and put it in the 50. And you just keep on getting those tickets and...
02:09:49.000Yeah, you're thinking about how much money you spent, how much time of your life has gone rolling a stupid ball.
02:09:54.000All the things I've done that take time, like the amount of time I've spent playing poker, the amount of time I've spent watching dumb movies.
02:10:07.000I don't seek out casinos everywhere I go, because a lot of places have them now because of Indian grounds or because they're on a boat on the river.
02:10:15.000But I only go if I'm playing the casino or...
02:11:00.000I only played, like, we were in the same table in one tournament once, I think, but I... I got a vibe off of him like he really knows what he's doing.
02:11:08.000There's still things that professional poker players could teach me that I could stand to learn, but I'm just too lazy to learn all the kind of calculations you should be making during each hand, like exactly how much to bet and all that stuff.
02:11:48.000Because for certain people, it absorbs their everyday, like they'll be walking down the street and they'll be thinking about moves.
02:11:54.000Like it starts getting to a point where, you know, you see a direct result between the more concentrated you are, the more you concentrate on it, the more you focus on it, the more you start winning and the better you get at playing chess and then you just go, you get lost, then you're crazy.
02:12:08.000Yeah, see that's what I don't do in poker is I don't sit there and evaluate how everyone else is playing and what their personalities are and what he did on that hand and then what he did on the next hand.
02:12:19.000I'm just playing in the moment and I know good cards when I see them or when I have a good chance of drawing a winning hand and I just sort of...
02:12:30.000I did a movie once, and the guy who was renting out the house, they rent out, you know, you want to shoot a movie in a house, you can rent someone's house, like people offer him for rent.
02:12:37.000And this guy was a professional chess player.
02:12:40.000And so, you know, a lot of downtime starting a movie.
02:12:43.000So I'd go hang out with this guy and talk to him, try to figure out what he was doing.
02:12:46.000And he was playing chess online, you know, with all these different people.
02:12:50.000And he was like some super fucking master chess player.
02:12:53.000So it was fascinating that he's got this giant community of, apparently, you could just get chess games.
02:12:59.000Like any time of the day, any time of the night online, whatever level you're at.
02:13:03.000You know, and there's people from all over the world that will play chess with you.
02:13:13.000Like where they're playing against people all over the place, so you can do it any time you want.
02:13:19.000That's part of what I love about Twitter, is if I am up in the middle of the night and not asleep for some reason because I've got to go to the airport or whatever, can't sleep, It's so great that, like, the fact that it's international, once you get a certain number of followers, you can, like, you know, I'm sure some people go on Twitter and they're pissed because, you know, nobody that they follow is saying anything or writing back to them, but it's just so, it's such a 24-hour show.
02:16:08.000Oh yeah, you go look at any time somebody writes something to you that you're wondering about their personality or whatever, you can go and see everything else they've written.
02:16:41.000Or like people write Snoop Dogg and Doug Benson, you know, something about pot that they think we both need to know.
02:16:51.000But when they just throw in, like, when it's just to me and Kim Kardashian and, you know, Brian Williams from NBC News or whatever, like some weird combination of, you know...
02:18:03.000Not every day, but pretty frequently, I'll see one of my more famous friends or people I follow just because I'm curious about them that...
02:18:11.000They'll tweet something odd or something that seems like an ad, and then the next tweet is like, oh shit, I got hacked.
02:18:16.000Did you see when Ashton Kutcher was tweeting that he was upset about Paterno being fired?
02:18:23.000Yeah, because all he reacted to, and I'm sure that's what a lot of people reacted to, was just hearing that this amazing coach got fired just very suddenly.
02:18:35.000And he didn't stop to think, wow, that big of a move?
02:18:38.000Like, why would Penn State fire a guy so suddenly if something really terrible didn't happen?
02:18:55.000But then he did, I guess, kind of a good thing to spin it.
02:18:58.000He retweeted every person that wrote to him, you're an asshole, you're an idiot, and he'd just write in each one something like, yeah, I'm sorry, I just didn't know all the facts.
02:19:07.000He sort of responded to a lot of people and showed a lot of the vitriol that was happening.
02:19:13.000You mean a staff at Foxconn responded?
02:19:47.000He just has so many people that I can't believe.
02:19:49.000It seems like to me that when you're a celebrity that's involved in a public scandal like he has, you know, like his most latest one, it seems interesting that he's tweeting people at all, you know?
02:19:59.000It's like you would think if you're going to...
02:20:01.000You're going to read any of the replies.
02:20:04.000You're going to get a lot of people that are going to ask you a bunch of questions that you don't want to answer.
02:20:08.000Do you really want to just go out there and interconnect with people?
02:20:15.000How important is it to try to feel like you're getting your side of it out when you think you're misunderstood?
02:20:22.000You know, and at a certain point in time, a lot of people's Twitters become very impersonal.
02:20:27.000You know, when the numbers get too big, it seems like people take less chances.
02:20:30.000They say less things that are controversial.
02:20:33.000A million people writing back to you that you shouldn't have used a certain slur or something when you were trying to, the joke was how inappropriate what you're writing is.
02:20:42.000Like I'll sometimes, if I think of something really dark, I'll just, I'll just, you know, drop it in the middle of the night because a lot of stuff just gets sort of lost in the Twitterverse, you know, like nobody's sitting, most people don't sit and read every single thing written by every single person they follow that because a lot of people follow a thousand most people don't sit and read every single thing written by It's impossible.
02:21:01.000So you're just in this kind of rushing stream of comments, and sometimes they'll land on you because they like you more than other people they follow or whatever.
02:21:09.000But sometimes they'll also, like anything that looks like you're just promoting a gig, they might just breeze past it.
02:21:15.000Every time I play a town, like the day after on Twitter, someone will write to me, when are you coming to?
02:21:21.000And it's that town I was just in and had just been tweeting about.
02:21:25.000But it's just you can't expect everybody to...
02:21:29.000It's hard to, I mean, think that you're going to communicate.
02:21:31.000I mean, you've got to hope that your Twitter is interesting enough that people are going to lock onto it, you know, and you're going to hope that you build some sort of a community there, and then they're going to be able to follow you on your website, or follow you at your shows, or look through your tweets to find out where you're at, or, you know, do you have a little schedule on your Twitter page?
02:21:49.000So if you go to your Twitter page, you can see what the upcoming dates are.
02:21:52.000I have a, you know, a link to a site where I've got all my dates, but What do you guys think about this new business they have on there with all the activity following?
02:22:28.000Because then you can, if you're just sitting there looking at it and it comes up that somebody just started following you, it's kind of cool to just immediately send them some sort of, hey, welcome, hope you like it kind of message.
02:23:15.000Yeah, and then often what'll come back is, I can't direct message you because you don't follow me.
02:23:20.000And then my next direct message says, the system works!
02:23:24.000And then you see how different people handle it different ways.
02:23:29.000Some people get pissed off right away and don't want to deal with somebody where their half of the conversation is public, but your half is private.
02:23:40.000I'm not on Twitter to have conversations with other people in front of all of my followers.
02:23:46.000Unless you're fucking with them, it's not interesting to read.
02:23:49.000Why don't you just follow them for a little while and then unfollow them?
02:23:52.000It's your precious 420 number that you're trying to protect.
02:23:55.000But no, then I really will play a game where if there's somebody that I want to follow, I will add them and then go through the list and see who's going to go.
02:24:04.000It's usually somebody that I follow that just ultimately their tweets haven't been that interesting because they're like, you know, I follow crazy super famous people just because I think it could be interesting.
02:24:29.000Because he just tweets a lot, and for a while there was just a lot of back and forth with Demi Moore that was just kind of like, they were being way too cute.
02:24:36.000Like the whole time you're like, this relationship's not going to last.
02:24:38.000They're putting way too much effort into pretending, or not pretending, maybe actually being in love with each other, but they just won't shut up about it.
02:24:45.000How can you maintain that as a couple?
02:25:44.000I don't even want to think about what's below it.
02:25:49.000Everyone's disgusted by it, but there still managed to be some people that That are just, you know, defending in some weird way, you know, the people that were involved in the story.
02:26:03.000You know, I was saying how weird it is that the guy's name was Officer, or it was McQueary, the guy who found him in the hotel room together.
02:26:11.000Which, that whole thing now is falling apart.
02:26:12.000His story is not matching what supposedly happened at the time, and Which guy, McQuarrie?
02:26:17.000Yeah, he's saying now that he did go to police officers and that they proceeded to not follow through.
02:26:35.000But he testified, you know, because this guy's gone through, you know, people had to testify for and against Sandusky before on earlier charges.
02:26:46.000And so at that time, supposedly the report was that he didn't speak to any cops, and now he's saying he did.
02:26:53.000So it's one of those complicated, horrifying stories that it may never end in our lifetimes.
02:27:01.000It may just go on and on and on, just because getting to the bottom of everything that happened I heard someone tell someone else a theory that I heard that is just absolutely mortifying.
02:27:17.000You know this guy Sandusky worked with a children's charity and those were the kids he was bringing to the games and they show pictures of him leaning on these kids and they've got little football helmets on.
02:27:28.000It's crazy that he was showering with them at all.
02:27:30.000The kids and him, neither one of them are playing in a game.
02:28:03.000things to and it's probably being taken to a football game is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to them and they also don't necessarily understand the implications of what he's doing to them when he physically attacks them.
02:28:15.000Are those photos real of his house like being in the same like the backyard of an elementary school?
02:28:24.000It shows, like, an elementary school and a little bit of woods and then a house and then supposedly, I don't know if it was just a joke, but supposedly that's his house, like, on the other side of this little woods.
02:28:33.000And I'm thinking, like, that woods is probably, like, that scene in, like, Human Centipede where, like, they go and they find this house in the middle of the other side of the woods and there's, like, a creepy guy that lives in there and molests kids.
02:28:55.000When you're fucking high, you just start talking about something.
02:28:57.000Because I never even got to my point, which was that there's a lot of rich people that also pump money into this charity because this guy told them to.
02:29:07.000And so this one law enforcement officer, who I think probably has a good idea about these things, suggested the notion that this guy was grooming kids for boosters to fool around with.
02:30:11.000Also, for him to come out and say, this is horrible, I'm going to finish out the season and then retire...
02:30:16.000Like, his first move should have been, I'm out of here.
02:30:19.000Like, I'm going to retire and I fucked up.
02:30:21.000But saying, I'm going to finish out the season, that gave everyone, like, this hope that, like, they were going to have a great championship season and then worry about this later.
02:30:32.000And so then when they turned around and really, you know, he ended up being fired or resigned or whatever, however it went down, that's when they started flipping shit over.
02:30:39.000If this story was in a book, it would be too fantastic.
02:31:07.000Most of this stuff happens with kids that are familiar with the person that attacks them.
02:31:13.000It's rarely an abject stranger who gets in their life and quickly does something horrible.
02:31:18.000Yeah, we actually spent a good deal of time talking about this in the podcast last night, or last time, about how there were some emails back and forth from some priests where they actually talked about getting boys from troubled homes.
02:31:32.000Getting boys who don't have good connections to their family, they don't have anyone to count on, get them.
02:32:29.000Because he went into it with the hubris and the confidence of thinking that as long as I just go in there and deny it, at least some people might believe me.
02:33:07.000Letting him go on bail, I don't get that at all.
02:33:10.000I think that guy's going to ice himself.
02:33:11.000He might ice himself or get out of And his access to kids and showers have to be limited at least to a couple hours a week or something like that.
02:33:50.000I always joke around on stage about how, wouldn't it be funny if I did all I've done to create this idea that I'm a podcomic and it turns out I'm a cop and at all my shows everybody gets arrested?
02:34:11.000Yeah, there was one that died in a motorcycle accident.
02:34:14.000He would meet at this, it was like a normal chapter, one of those groups, you know, and he was a local guy and he was in this group and died in a motorcycle accident.
02:34:26.000It turned out he was a cop and he was undercover the entire time.
02:36:10.000And I get to actually go out and enjoy these cities that I visit all the time and never see because I'm in the stupid comedy club all night.
02:36:17.000Not to say that that's not also a great way to...
02:37:29.000They may be a few beers in or whatever, but they're not that kind of trash that you see when you do shows at night, especially in a town where there's some sports thing in the afternoon, and they've been drinking since then, so they come to your show and they're pre-drunk before they even start drinking their two-drink minimum.
02:37:46.000So is that how you're doing all your shows now?
02:37:49.000I also do, like, I'll go into a club and just be there on a night they're normally closed, like Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday.
02:37:55.000Like I'm doing the Fort Lauderdale Improv on Monday, December...
02:38:03.000home improv on tuesday december 12th and they're both huge clubs they're really nice but they're huge so every time i play there you know normally if i have to do two or three shows i'm just not gonna every show is gonna have a lot of empty seats right but if i just go in and do one on a night when they're not even normally open hopefully everybody that's you know into me and has the night available will you know come check it out yeah that improv is gigantic i I think it's 600 plus seats, right?
02:42:09.000If you do the shot quickly, it's over with.
02:42:11.000But if you stand there and act like you're not going to do it, then people start chanting and make a big thing out of it.
02:42:16.000The worst would be, now all the people that went to your shows before are going to think back of the times you threw a shot back and screamed, yee-haw, and jumped up and down.
02:42:54.000I'd have to say that It's probably happened maybe four times in my entire career.
02:43:00.000Because the combination of me saying to the staff, send me up a fake shot, combined with somebody wanting to send me up a shot, because it doesn't happen every show, because I'm not...
02:43:28.000Well, let me tell you how I balance it out in the rest of my years as a comic.
02:43:32.000When I'm at the bar in a comedy club and somebody offers to buy me a drink, I always turn it down and say, the club gives me free drinks and I don't want you to buy one.
02:43:42.000And then a lot of times they go, well, I want to buy you one anyway.
02:43:45.000It becomes important to do something for you, which I appreciate that.
02:46:10.000Not only am I doing 420 shows, I'm combining my other thing that I love to do now, which is podcasts.
02:46:17.000And at 420 on Thanksgiving weekend, on Saturday and Sunday, I'm doing two different tapings of my podcast, and That I'll then be able to turn around and put out on the internet.
02:46:30.000Because that's another thing I don't like about...
02:46:32.000I love about stand-up comedy, the fact that it's just you in the audience and no one else hears it.
02:46:38.000But thanks to podcasting, I want to get more stuff out to people.
02:46:43.000So this is a great opportunity for me to show up in a town and instead of doing stand-up, I do the podcast.
02:46:50.000So you're saying that you can't put your stand-up on the internet?
02:48:02.000And I also dream of a day where I can do a tour where, like, you know how Pearl Jam sold, like, every night of a tour on CD that one time?
02:48:11.000And bootlegs obviously happen to everybody all the time.
02:48:14.000But I'd like to make my own bootleg and just make, like, do a tour of ten cities and the same act, essentially, whatever I'm doing at that time.
02:48:38.000They have a bunch of different recordings to choose from Some comics used to sell recordings of the show That you just went to Yeah They'd sell like CDs And a club or two has tried to kind of toy with that sort of idea a lot of goddamn cds but it also doesn't it only appeals to the drunkest audience members yelled out the dumbest shit you know it's kind of a weird thing to say hereby what you just what just happened right but that's what i'm doing with podcasts like
02:49:06.000Like, I do podcasts where people were there live, and then they listen to it later.
02:49:21.000And then there's bonus free ones that I do, like, where I record, like, if I'm in a rental car with another comic, I'll just record an episode of the show while we're driving.
02:49:29.000And so I put those up pretty frequently, and then...
02:49:33.000Like, once or twice a month, usually once a month, I'll have an episode that's $2 in the comedy album section of iTunes, which is a fun place to be and to be that cheap, because, like, right now one of mine is, like, number one, because it's only $2, and all the albums behind it cost, like, $8.
02:50:28.000And I did those for a while, and I just felt like, if I listen to a bunch of podcasts, if I had to always hear about Audible books, every podcast I listen to...
02:51:18.000But if you weren't a comic and you worked in UFC like you do, do you think you'd be able to find ongoing satisfaction just talking about UFC as a podcast?
02:51:57.000Yeah, a little bit, but I've grown really...
02:52:00.000That's the good and bad of podcasting, is it's allowed me to talk about and participate in what I want to do without ever having to sit by myself and write.
02:52:49.000Because it's fun to have all that weird stimuli around you, but you can still just kind of look at what you're doing and then just look up whenever anything, It gives you ideas too when you're looking around.
02:52:59.000If you have your Twitter handy, you see something stupid happening.
02:53:04.000Especially when you're baked to the gills.
02:54:14.000It's a cordyceps mushroom supplement that's really good for...
02:54:18.000It gives you a little boost of extra endurance when you're in heavy-duty, hardcore training and you're working out hard.
02:54:25.000So that's onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, and if you go to droogand.net and click on the link for the fleshlight and enter in the code name, or no, not the fleshlight, click on the link for O-N-N-I-T, onnit.com, the alpha brain link.
02:54:39.000You know what I'm talking about, bitches.
02:54:40.000Click on that shit, put in my name, and save some money.