The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #158 - Doug Benson

00:00:00.000 We're already nailing it. 1.00

00:00:04.000 Boom, bitches! 1.00

00:00:04.000 Shit's not even turned on. 1.00

00:00:06.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. 0.97

00:00:09.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link to The Fleshlight, I'm trying to do this and I'm trying to tweet at the same time.

00:00:18.000 This is unprofessional to me.

00:00:20.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:00:26.000 And Doug Benson, if you want one, I have extras.

00:00:29.000 I have one for you.

00:00:30.000 It's got your name on it.

00:00:31.000 Did I tell you my slogan I came up with for the Fleshlight? 0.95

00:00:34.000 No. 1.00

00:00:34.000 Fuck those things. 1.00

00:00:37.000 I like it. 1.00

00:00:38.000 It's good.

00:00:38.000 It's simple.

00:00:39.000 It's clean.

00:00:40.000 I like the way you think.

00:00:43.000 If you enter in the code name ROGAN, you get 15% off. 0.99

00:00:46.000 And Brian, how many of you fucked? 0.99

00:00:49.000 I haven't fucked one until recently. 1.00

00:00:52.000 I just went back to fucking one. 0.99

00:00:54.000 And it was nice. 0.99

00:00:55.000 I don't know why I took the vacation.

00:00:57.000 You went handsies for a while?

00:00:58.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:00:59.000 I was spitting on my hands, making myself have yeast infections and all this shit. 0.99

00:01:02.000 What? 0.99

00:01:03.000 Yeah.

00:01:03.000 Don't you spit after eating...

00:01:06.000 Wait a minute. 1.00

00:01:06.000 You made yourself have a yeast infection on your dick? 1.00

00:01:09.000 I think I did. 1.00

00:01:10.000 You spit some mashed potatoes in your hand or something?

00:01:12.000 I've been lazy with my lotion. 1.00

00:01:14.000 You are so nasty. 1.00

00:01:15.000 You are so nasty. 1.00

00:01:16.000 You spit in your hand and you gave yourself a yeast infection on your dick? 1.00

00:01:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:01:20.000 Wow. 1.00

00:01:21.000 From too much breadsticks.

00:01:22.000 Anyway, don't do what he does.

00:01:25.000 And clean your fleshlight, too. 0.71

00:01:27.000 Don't be disgusting. 0.62

00:01:28.000 Wasn't there a problem with, like, cantaloupes recently where people were dying from, like, bad cantaloupes? 1.00

00:01:33.000 They were fucking bad cantaloupes? 0.97

00:01:35.000 No, from eating them. 1.00

00:01:35.000 But then I was just wondering, I was going to extrapolate, like, what would happen if you fucked a bad cantaloupe? 1.00

00:01:40.000 Yeah, no kidding, right? 0.99

00:01:42.000 Because cantaloupe is probably the nature's backup to the fleshlight, right?

00:01:46.000 How many different people do you think? 0.88

00:01:48.000 What are the numbers of people that have fucked cantaloupes? 0.96

00:01:50.000 I think when you're young, you would try anything. 0.99

00:01:52.000 I mean, I fuck pillows and then I sleep on it, you know? 0.99

00:01:55.000 Yeah, when you're young, you hump things, though. 0.99

00:01:57.000 But you have to get elaborate if you want to carve a correct size hole into a piece of fruit. 0.96

00:02:03.000 Out of curiosity, how many people do you think have fucked cantaloupes? 0.96

00:02:08.000 Cantaloupe, I would say at least 2 out of 10 people. 0.75

00:02:10.000 I mean, like, all-time numbers.

00:02:12.000 Is it a million? 0.95

00:02:13.000 Have a million people fucked the cantaloupe? 0.99

00:02:14.000 Fifty-three. 0.98

00:02:15.000 Fifty-three people?

00:02:17.000 Wait, two out of ten?

00:02:18.000 How many people have actually gone through it, you know? 1.00

00:02:21.000 I mean, a lot of people have probably looked at a cantaloupe and they were drunk and thought, I could fuck that. 1.00

00:02:25.000 And, like, maybe looked for an apple cork, couldn't find it, or tried to make a hole, a circular hole with a knife and it didn't work out, and they're like, ah, fuck it. 1.00

00:02:33.000 But how many people actually went ahead, fucked it, and came inside the cantaloupe? 0.99

00:02:36.000 I want the numbers. 0.98

00:02:37.000 I'm biased because I have, so I think everyone has.

00:02:40.000 Really?

00:02:40.000 You shot a load into a camera?

00:02:42.000 Yeah, remember I put it in the microwave?

00:02:44.000 Oh, that's right.

00:02:44.000 Oh, you made it nice and hot?

00:02:46.000 Yeah.

00:02:47.000 I always used heat. 0.94

00:02:49.000 When I think about masturbating, I have to have heat involved. 0.91

00:02:52.000 But I don't like those hot oils. 0.97

00:02:53.000 I used to live in Ohio.

00:02:54.000 It was freezing all the time. 0.96

00:02:55.000 Have you ever fucked a girl up by mistake by using the back oil? 0.99

00:02:58.000 You put it on back that heats up. 1.00

00:03:00.000 You accidentally use it for lube to fuck a girl in the ass. 1.00

00:03:03.000 What? 1.00

00:03:04.000 Don't do that.

00:03:05.000 What?

00:03:06.000 It ruins it and they run to the bathroom crying and it ruins everything.

00:03:11.000 Oh my goodness.

00:03:11.000 So that hot oil lotion is just for your bag.

00:03:14.000 Don't put it in an asshole. 1.00

00:03:16.000 Please don't tell me that this is a real story. 1.00

00:03:18.000 It's super real.

00:03:19.000 I've done it multiple times by mistake.

00:03:24.000 You know what's supposedly really nasty? 0.98

00:03:27.000 If you filled a tub with champagne, if a lady gets into it, it would just burn the shit out of her stuff. 1.00

00:03:34.000 Wow. 0.97

00:03:35.000 That supposedly happened in Natalie Wood one time.

00:03:38.000 Oh, that's funny.

00:03:39.000 I think Dennis Hopper used to tell that story.

00:03:42.000 I bet it's happened in a lot of hood parties.

00:03:45.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:03:46.000 A lot of really big rap hood parties.

00:03:49.000 Yeah, I mean, come on.

00:03:51.000 You don't think Birdman has parties where his bathtub's full of champagne and chicks are just climbing in them and booty-popping? 1.00

00:03:57.000 Of course.

00:03:58.000 Inside the tub filled with champagne.

00:04:00.000 Of course they are.

00:04:01.000 Of course.

00:04:01.000 We're telling you, those girls, ladies, get your cooter checked out.

00:04:05.000 Get some anti-yeast infection type situation going there.

00:04:09.000 That's dangerous stuff.

00:04:10.000 It is dangerous.

00:04:10.000 What about Martinelli's sparkling apple?

00:04:12.000 Do you think that would probably burn also?

00:04:14.000 Maybe that would not burn because it's not alcoholic, right?

00:04:19.000 I don't know.

00:04:19.000 Maybe it wouldn't fuck everything up.

00:04:21.000 Maybe it would just make everything smell nice.

00:04:23.000 Oh, I like that.

00:04:24.000 Maybe it could be a positive.

00:04:27.000 And it's just apple cider, right?

00:04:29.000 Anyway, that's the Fleshlight commercial.

00:04:32.000 The end.

00:04:34.000 Go get yourself a Fleshlight.

00:04:35.000 They're awesome to beat off.

00:04:36.000 A lot of controversy on these new commercials, Joe.

00:04:39.000 Yeah? 1.00

00:04:39.000 They can go fuck themselves. 1.00

00:04:41.000 What kind of controversy? 1.00

00:04:42.000 A lot of people have been tweeting me and I don't know what to tell you.

00:04:45.000 It's like, you know, chill the fuck out.

00:04:46.000 People are like, why do the commercials take so long?

00:04:48.000 It's not really a commercial, dude.

00:04:50.000 It's a commercial.

00:04:51.000 That was a fun commercial.

00:04:52.000 Exactly.

00:04:52.000 That's what we're doing every time.

00:04:53.000 Every one of them is organic. 0.99

00:04:55.000 Every one of them is just us fucking around. 0.98

00:04:57.000 We get it out of the way. 0.98

00:04:58.000 It's the best way to do a commercial, folks.

00:05:00.000 It's really not that big a deal.

00:05:01.000 I didn't even know we were doing a commercial.

00:05:03.000 Exactly!

00:05:03.000 I thought this was just pre-show chatter.

00:05:05.000 It's fucking entertaining. 1.00

00:05:06.000 God damn it. 1.00

00:05:07.000 Relax, everybody. 0.99

00:05:09.000 It's like what we're trying to do basically is just slip it in real quick on you.

00:05:12.000 Come on, just let me...

00:05:13.000 What's up, Mike?

00:05:14.000 It's a big deal.

00:05:16.000 Can I do a five-second commercial?

00:05:18.000 Can you right now?

00:05:19.000 Yeah.

00:05:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:05:20.000 Somebody made a funny website, searchlikebryan.com.

00:05:23.000 It's hilarious.

00:05:24.000 Use it for your search needs.

00:05:26.000 It's pretty awesome.

00:05:27.000 It adds the word butthole to every search.

00:05:30.000 What is it?

00:05:30.000 He adds the word butthole every time he searches things.

00:05:33.000 So he's like, what do you think it would be like to live in New Orleans?

00:05:37.000 Let's see. 0.94

00:05:37.000 New Orleans butthole. 0.94

00:05:39.000 Wells Fargo location's butthole. 0.98

00:05:41.000 It always adds one extra butthole to all your searches. 0.94

00:05:45.000 Does that change the ultimate destination? 0.71

00:05:47.000 No, you still get what you want. 0.95

00:05:49.000 You just get a little butthole mixed in for fun. 1.00

00:05:51.000 If you get to page 1,199, you might see something fucked up. 0.99

00:05:59.000 An old dude named Wells Fargo bent over showing you his butt off. 1.00

00:06:04.000 It's funny how that goatsy thing, that guy pulling apart his asshole, that is the internet, man. 1.00

00:06:11.000 There's a photo, I forget, it was one of those memes, and it was a kid that was horrified, it was photoshopped, obviously, and right in front of this kid's face was the goatsy asshole, and it just said, welcome to the internet. 0.99

00:06:27.000 laughter I mean, if you could pick one image that represents the internet, for me, it's the Goatsy asshole guy. 1.00

00:06:35.000 The guy pulling apart his asshole. 0.99

00:06:37.000 That represents the internet to me, because guess what? 1.00

00:06:39.000 There's no way that should be that easy to find. 0.99

00:06:42.000 There's no way you should ever be one click away from a guy just opening his asshole, just pulling it apart like a chew toy, you know? 1.00

00:06:51.000 There's no fucking way that should be one click away. 1.00

00:06:54.000 That is the internet. 0.98

00:06:55.000 That embodies the internet.

00:06:56.000 That is the potential of the internet.

00:06:58.000 It's not the whole internet, but it's a good t-shirt.

00:07:01.000 It's one particular hole.

00:07:02.000 It's a good t-shirt for the band. 1.00

00:07:07.000 I mean, fuck, dude. 0.99

00:07:09.000 We are also sponsored by Onnit.com. 1.00

00:07:12.000 O-N-N-I-T. And if you go to Onnit.com, we sell Alpha Brain, which is a cognitive enhancer.

00:07:20.000 And New Mood, which is a 5-HTP formulation that has 5-HTP and L-tryptophan in it.

00:07:28.000 And it...

00:07:29.000 It really makes you feel awesome.

00:07:31.000 Have you been trying that?

00:07:33.000 Yeah, I like it.

00:07:34.000 I like it a lot. 1.00

00:07:34.000 5-HTP is the shit, man. 1.00

00:07:36.000 Forget about what we're selling. 1.00

00:07:39.000 Go buy it from a GNC or a local store.

00:07:44.000 Try out some 5-HTP. That shit feels good. 1.00

00:07:47.000 Or buy it in an alley. 1.00

00:07:48.000 Try to buy it from a dealer.

00:07:49.000 Go get it.

00:07:50.000 You don't have to buy our stuff. 1.00

00:07:51.000 The idea of nootropics, just because I'm selling nootropics on this show, don't buy my shit. 0.99

00:07:58.000 Go buy it from somewhere else. 0.99

00:08:00.000 Go read what nootropics are all about.

00:08:03.000 Online and you know and try it it might not work for you might work for you for some people There's everybody is different biologically I think and I think stuff that might work for you is not necessarily gonna work for me Go buy a winch I'm instead I mean there's some people that can't deal with caffeine some people I mean I don't I don't know if it's gonna work for you but for me it works Caffeine's not my thing but I'd still try it you know you never know Are you a caffeine guy?

00:08:30.000 No, I'm saying it's not at all.

00:08:32.000 I'm completely off of caffeine, but I can have it every once in a while for, you know, for...

00:08:36.000 Do you not go with caffeine because caffeine kills your buzz?

00:08:41.000 Oh, that's a good point.

00:08:42.000 No, no, I'll have like a, you know, I'll have like a fancy, like this time of year, I'll like to have like a pumpkin latte every once in a while or something.

00:08:48.000 Ooh, those are delicious.

00:08:49.000 Yeah, but I don't really, I'm just not a coffee person, but I'm more specifically not a diet soda person anymore.

00:08:56.000 I got totally off of that.

00:08:57.000 Have you ever tried energy drinks?

00:09:00.000 I stay away from all that.

00:09:01.000 Yeah?

00:09:02.000 Yeah, I just go with, you know...

00:09:04.000 Whatever you naturally feel.

00:09:05.000 When I'm tired, that's time to go to bed.

00:09:09.000 That's probably a smart way to do it.

00:09:10.000 I'm usually not in a position where I have to force myself to stay up, you know?

00:09:14.000 And smoking pot sort of keeps me, you know, if it's a sativa, it sort of keeps me up anyway.

00:09:19.000 So you just avoid all stimulants?

00:09:22.000 Well, I drink alcohol, so...

00:09:24.000 Yeah, that's a depressant though, right?

00:09:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:09:25.000 But I mean, just in terms of...

00:09:28.000 Have you ever fucked with Adderall? 0.98

00:09:29.000 No, no. 1.00

00:09:30.000 No? 0.98

00:09:31.000 No, I really haven't fucked with much. 0.96

00:09:33.000 I've only done, you know, mushrooms a few times and E a couple of times. 0.93

00:09:38.000 That's about it.

00:09:39.000 I'm mostly just pot and alcohol.

00:09:40.000 A lot of people love that Adderall, man. 0.99

00:09:43.000 A lot of people love that for getting shit done. 0.98

00:09:45.000 I think if I could get a supply of it, I would probably take it a lot. 0.99

00:09:48.000 Really?

00:09:48.000 Yeah, but I'm not even going to look.

00:09:50.000 How damaging do you think it is for you?

00:09:52.000 I don't think it's bad.

00:09:53.000 I think if you use it in moderation, I think it's great.

00:09:58.000 It's one of those that's kind of hard to use in moderation.

00:10:00.000 I think people seem to like it a lot. 0.96

00:10:02.000 I think Brian's the kind of guy that, for me, if I masturbate, it's usually like I can go to sleep right after that, but I imagine Brian would masturbate and then want to stay up late enough to be able to masturbate again. 0.98

00:10:13.000 Probably. 0.96

00:10:17.000 You get bummed out that it makes you sleepy, and so you need some sort of energy thing to power through to the next one.

00:10:24.000 I want you to try some of this.

00:10:26.000 Life is short. 1.00

00:10:26.000 I want you to try this alpha brain shit. 1.00

00:10:28.000 I will, right now? 1.00

00:10:29.000 No, I'll give it to you after the show.

00:10:31.000 But what's it going to do to me?

00:10:35.000 The way it helps me is it makes me feel like my brain works better.

00:10:38.000 It makes me feel cleaner, like I have a little bit more energy, a little bit more...

00:10:43.000 It feels like things are firing better, you know?

00:10:47.000 There's a bunch of different interesting ingredients in it.

00:10:49.000 All of them have been used by people for hundreds, if not thousands of years.

00:10:54.000 And it's basically vitamins for brain function.

00:10:59.000 But it doesn't feel like it would be something that you've ever like, oh, I need some of that now?

00:11:04.000 No.

00:11:05.000 No, I don't think so.

00:11:06.000 No.

00:11:07.000 I mean, it doesn't have that profound an effect.

00:11:10.000 Quite honestly, it's like most vitamins.

00:11:12.000 I believe in vitamins and I think it's very important to take care of your body and give it a lot of nutrients and stuff.

00:11:17.000 Most vitamins don't have an immediate effect.

00:11:20.000 You take vitamins, you have an overall sense of, I'm doing the right thing, and I'm putting good food in my body, and maybe you might feel like you have a little bit more energy, but the effects of having a lack of nutrients, it's slow and long.

00:11:35.000 It's not like you take vitamins and then all of a sudden, I feel amazing!

00:11:41.000 No, it's like if you do have a good nutritional base, you will feel better.

00:11:47.000 If you are taking nutrients, your body will be working better, and it will work better.

00:11:51.000 And this works along those lines.

00:11:53.000 These are nutrients that help your brain function.

00:11:57.000 They help you think better.

00:12:00.000 I'm in.

00:12:01.000 Let's do it.

00:12:01.000 I want you to try it.

00:12:02.000 I will.

00:12:02.000 Anyway, if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for AlphaBrain and enter the code name ROGAN, you will get 10% off.

00:12:09.000 And then you can get your freak on. 0.98

00:12:10.000 You get rubber pussies. 1.00

00:12:11.000 You get yourself some brain pills. 1.00

00:12:13.000 We're still doing commercials?

00:12:15.000 I'm going to complain about this.

00:12:17.000 This is how we do it.

00:12:18.000 I want to be on the record.

00:12:19.000 I'm going to tweet you guys. 1.00

00:12:21.000 Long fucking commercials. 0.99

00:12:23.000 Press to play and let's get the party rolling. 1.00

00:12:25.000 Super stoner Doug Benson's in the house, bitches. 1.00

00:12:27.000 Experience. 0.99

00:12:30.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

00:12:33.000 Let's be honest, ladies and gentlemen.

00:12:38.000 The reason why that commercial went so long is we're way too high to be talking publicly.

00:12:42.000 Okay? 0.97

00:12:43.000 That was ridiculous. 0.94

00:12:45.000 I see what you're saying, folks. 0.98

00:12:46.000 I see what you're saying.

00:12:48.000 I hear you.

00:12:49.000 I'm on your side now.

00:12:50.000 Are you?

00:12:51.000 I don't know.

00:12:53.000 I don't know, man. 1.00

00:12:54.000 I'm just talking shit. 1.00

00:12:55.000 Fire up the vaporizer. 1.00

00:12:56.000 Let's do some more commercials.

00:12:57.000 Yeah, we're not sure if this thing works yet.

00:12:59.000 We're going to give it another few minutes because it still has red.

00:13:02.000 Yeah, I'm excited about it though.

00:13:04.000 Apparently it takes like 10 minutes.

00:13:05.000 Yeah, it's like a vaporizer slash bong type device.

00:13:08.000 I could barely do a show these days where somebody doesn't show up with some new fangled thing they want me to try.

00:13:13.000 These wacky kids these days.

00:13:15.000 Yeah, gotta love them.

00:13:18.000 I'm saying unable to connect to the internet, Brian.

00:13:22.000 What does that mean? 1.00

00:13:24.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

00:13:27.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

00:13:30.000 So people are complaining about these long-form commercials that we're doing. 1.00

00:13:34.000 And I don't mean to do that to you folks, but there's just no other way to do it.

00:13:38.000 I don't know how to...

00:13:39.000 I'm not going to say the same thing every day exactly. 0.96

00:13:42.000 That's too fucking boring. 1.00

00:13:43.000 Well, you could tell the guests to shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:13:46.000 Why? 0.99

00:13:47.000 I'm just saying, if you want it to go quicker.

00:13:49.000 But I thought that was fine.

00:13:51.000 That felt to me like...

00:13:53.000 That's part of the show.

00:13:55.000 And people like long podcasts.

00:13:56.000 So you're just giving them... 1.00

00:13:57.000 Just tell them, I'm giving you more, fucker. 1.00

00:13:59.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:14:00.000 Yes, but it's because of money. 1.00

00:14:01.000 That's why.

00:14:02.000 That's why it freaks them out.

00:14:03.000 You're making money. 1.00

00:14:04.000 Like, you motherfucker. 1.00

00:14:05.000 Yeah, but you're like totally... 1.00

00:14:06.000 You motherfucker. 1.00

00:14:07.000 Everyone's saying whatever they want about the product. 1.00

00:14:09.000 It's not like they're just sitting...

00:14:10.000 It's not like we're a ShamWow guy or something.

00:14:13.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:14:15.000 Who tries to say funny things and they're just ridiculous. 0.94

00:14:18.000 Martini, bikini, linguini. 1.00

00:14:20.000 Like, what the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

00:14:21.000 Does the Shamwai have a podcast? 1.00

00:14:24.000 I don't know.

00:14:24.000 I would like to have.

00:14:25.000 He was in jail for beating a girl or something.

00:14:28.000 I think everyone has podcasts now.

00:14:29.000 It's kind of scary. 0.98

00:14:30.000 Didn't some chick, like a hooker, bite his tongue or something? 1.00

00:14:33.000 Yeah, that's it. 1.00

00:14:34.000 Ooh! 0.96

00:14:35.000 Oh, God!

00:14:37.000 Man! 1.00

00:14:38.000 A hooker bites your tongue, dude. 1.00

00:14:40.000 You've hit a wall in life. 1.00

00:14:41.000 Sham-ow! 1.00

00:14:42.000 You have hit a fucking wall in life. 1.00

00:14:44.000 When a hooker bites your tongue. 1.00

00:14:46.000 Shit. 1.00

00:14:48.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:14:49.000 Yeah, that's pretty brutal. 1.00

00:14:50.000 What a disaster.

00:14:51.000 You know, because human bites are, like, dangerous.

00:14:54.000 They're dangerous.

00:14:55.000 They're, like, really toxic. 0.63

00:14:56.000 We have nasty mouths. 1.00

00:14:58.000 We're, like, as dangerous, if not more dangerous, than most wild animals.

00:15:03.000 Yeah, I have a yeast infection in my mouth.

00:15:04.000 Why do you keep having yeast infections, man?

00:15:07.000 When is it going to stop?

00:15:09.000 Do you go down on your girl when she has a yeast infection?

00:15:11.000 Why don't you drink a cranberry juice?

00:15:12.000 No, I'm just kidding.

00:15:13.000 Have you ever gone down on a girl who has a yeast infection?

00:15:15.000 I don't know.

00:15:16.000 I don't know.

00:15:17.000 Probably.

00:15:18.000 I have no idea what a yeast infection is.

00:15:19.000 There's a lot of girls right now that are getting angry at this conversation. 1.00

00:15:21.000 Tastes like bread when you do that.

00:15:23.000 This is a subject.

00:15:24.000 Delicious bread.

00:15:25.000 Yeah.

00:15:25.000 Or beer.

00:15:26.000 It's like fish bread.

00:15:28.000 This is a subject that makes women angry. 1.00

00:15:30.000 It makes them really angry.

00:15:31.000 It's just like men are talking about it. 0.99

00:15:33.000 Beer fucked a girl with a urinary tract infection where it's like, you know, like... 1.00

00:15:37.000 Oh, that's where cranberry juice goes in. 0.99

00:15:38.000 Blood's just juicing everywhere.

00:15:40.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:15:40.000 And it's like black blood and it smells like vinegar or something.

00:15:44.000 I don't see why women wouldn't enjoy this conversation.

00:15:46.000 Yeah.

00:15:48.000 It's gotta be a tough thing to take care of, you know?

00:15:51.000 Oh, it's so much maintenance.

00:15:53.000 It's the difference between washing a car and being a mechanic.

00:15:57.000 That's what it's like. 1.00

00:15:58.000 It's like men just have to keep their fucking car washed. 0.99

00:16:00.000 Keep your car washed, wax the hood, boom, you're done. 1.00

00:16:04.000 Women have a fucking whole internal thing in there. 1.00

00:16:07.000 They gotta get in there. 1.00

00:16:08.000 They gotta get under the hood.

00:16:09.000 Catch mechanism for loads. 1.00

00:16:11.000 They're fucking kangaroos. 1.00

00:16:12.000 A human factory inside their box. 1.00

00:16:14.000 They have a human factory in there. 1.00

00:16:16.000 I mean, shit. 1.00

00:16:17.000 We got a crank shaft. 1.00

00:16:19.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:16:20.000 We have balls that make loads. 1.00

00:16:23.000 That's what we have. 0.97

00:16:24.000 And those loads make people.

00:16:25.000 It's really no big deal for us. 1.00

00:16:26.000 They have a human making machine inside their vagina. 1.00

00:16:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:31.000 Shit. 1.00

00:16:33.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

00:16:36.000 What's up, Doug? 1.00

00:16:36.000 Doug, where have you been? 1.00

00:16:37.000 All over the place.

00:16:38.000 You've been on the road like nine stop lately, right?

00:16:40.000 I can't even remember.

00:16:41.000 Like every time I'm in LA, somebody goes, "Where were you last weekend?" I don't know.

00:16:45.000 I went some places.

00:16:46.000 Are you a constant road guy?

00:16:47.000 Flagstaff in Phoenix last weekend.

00:16:49.000 Yeah, but I'm really going where I want to go when I want to go there.

00:16:54.000 Like for the next couple months, I'm only playing gigs in California and Florida to avoid winter weather.

00:16:59.000 Do you have plants?

00:17:02.000 No.

00:17:02.000 No, no.

00:17:03.000 But I'm home.

00:17:05.000 I've kind of gotten into a pattern in my career of always trying to be home for a few days, then out for a few days.

00:17:11.000 I never go away for a long time or stay home for a long time.

00:17:16.000 I just sort of...

00:17:17.000 The go away for a couple days and come back is the best way.

00:17:20.000 When people go out for like three months at a time, all they do is tour.

00:17:24.000 You might as well be in a band if you're going to do that.

00:17:27.000 Yeah, I watched that Dane Cook tourgasm, where he and all those guys, Bobby Kelly.

00:17:33.000 Those three poor guys.

00:17:34.000 Yeah, they all went touring around.

00:17:36.000 They went touring around.

00:17:37.000 I like all those guys, and I feel so bad for them.

00:17:40.000 Because they do stuff like, today we're going to go ride horses.

00:17:43.000 Yeah.

00:17:44.000 To see what wackiness happens. 1.00

00:17:46.000 And then Robert Kelly falls off the fucking horse and breaks his arm. 1.00

00:17:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:49.000 It's just like, ugh, you didn't even need to go horseback riding. 1.00

00:17:52.000 You could have just been hanging out in a condo like you would if you were out doing your own gig somewhere.

00:17:57.000 You know?

00:17:59.000 Yeah.

00:18:00.000 Did Robert Kelly break his arm?

00:18:04.000 Yeah, or twisted it or something.

00:18:06.000 Because during a lot of tourgasm, he has some sort of cast or sling on his arm, I think.

00:18:11.000 Is that what happened?

00:18:12.000 I remember there was an audio that they were playing on Opie and Anthony.

00:18:15.000 He was talking about his knee, right?

00:18:17.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:17.000 He hurt his knee.

00:18:18.000 He broke his knee.

00:18:18.000 I broke my knee, man!

00:18:19.000 I broke my knee, man!

00:18:21.000 Right?

00:18:22.000 Yeah, yes.

00:18:23.000 I mean, maybe I'm, you know, just confusing everything.

00:18:26.000 I remember.

00:18:26.000 But those guys, like, that had to be really stressful to go on the road.

00:18:30.000 I only did it once with that Charlie Murphy thing.

00:18:32.000 Me and Charlie Murphy and John Heffron.

00:18:35.000 And it was not the most fun because we weren't doing well, like, ticket sales.

00:18:40.000 We didn't do well in a lot of places.

00:18:42.000 Like, the promotion wasn't the best.

00:18:45.000 So a lot of people had no idea we were even in their towns.

00:18:48.000 It turned out that we only did well in the places where I already did well and Charlie already did well.

00:18:53.000 It wasn't really a really well-produced sort of thing.

00:18:59.000 It was such a blur too.

00:19:00.000 I don't remember anything.

00:19:02.000 I don't remember what city was what and what club Unfortunately, this was before social media.

00:19:09.000 We didn't have Twitter or anything like that.

00:19:11.000 Can you imagine us having a stream show during that?

00:19:13.000 Oh, it would have been so fun.

00:19:14.000 It would have been really fun to be in a different town.

00:19:17.000 We were literally in a different town every night. 0.98

00:19:19.000 We would wake up, stare at the ceiling, going, what the fuck, where am I? The shows were awesome. 0.94

00:19:23.000 It starts to blur together, for sure, the hotels and the airlines and the airports.

00:19:28.000 The shows were awesome, but it just wasn't financial success.

00:19:31.000 It didn't do well.

00:19:33.000 It only did well in like half the places.

00:19:36.000 Is there a city that you don't like performing in?

00:19:40.000 Like you just think, oh, the crowds always suck there?

00:19:43.000 Because people always ask me about that.

00:19:44.000 I always have a great time everywhere I go.

00:19:47.000 Well, you bring your own people now.

00:19:48.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:19:49.000 But even as an opening act for other comics, I never was like, oh, this city, they don't like me as much as other cities.

00:19:58.000 Sometimes you get a bad crowd, but I don't find one city to be like, oh, that place, the crowds are always really stupid or... 0.92

00:20:06.000 You know, like, some places they skew old. 0.98

00:20:09.000 Like, I don't do well in Atlantic City because the crowds are just too old.

00:20:12.000 Right.

00:20:12.000 You know, and they're just like, what the hell is he talking about?

00:20:14.000 Right, right, right.

00:20:15.000 Yeah.

00:20:16.000 Yeah, Atlantic City is a tricky place.

00:20:18.000 Yeah.

00:20:19.000 That's a tricky place.

00:20:20.000 I've done, what is that big theater there?

00:20:22.000 We did that?

00:20:22.000 At the Borgata?

00:20:23.000 Yeah.

00:20:24.000 I did that a couple times.

00:20:25.000 It's a tricky place.

00:20:26.000 There's a lot of old people. 0.80

00:20:28.000 It's a strange thing.

00:20:28.000 It's sort of like trying to be Vegas, but it's just a hair seedier, just a hair weirder, hair more possibility of murder in the air.

00:20:39.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:40.000 Just a hair more.

00:20:42.000 It's, you know, it's...

00:20:44.000 It caters to New Jersey and Philadelphia and everything around there.

00:20:49.000 It's more like a localized...

00:20:51.000 People come from all over the world for Vegas, but if someone's coming from really far away, why are they going to Atlantic City?

00:20:56.000 That'd be a weird choice.

00:20:58.000 And Atlantic City is essentially surrounded by dangerous cities.

00:21:02.000 Vegas is essentially in the middle of nowhere. 0.99

00:21:04.000 You get past Barstow and what the fuck is it? 0.98

00:21:06.000 It's just a bunch of weird towns that don't make any sense. 0.99

00:21:09.000 That drive to Vegas is the real America, though.

00:21:12.000 It's a strange drive, but that drive to Vegas, that's the real America.

00:21:16.000 Atlantic City, you have to go through Camden.

00:21:18.000 You pass through the outskirts of South Philly.

00:21:21.000 There's a lot of places around Atlantic City that are filled with craziness.

00:21:28.000 Criminals! 0.96

00:21:28.000 Like, serious criminals, man. 0.96

00:21:30.000 I mean, they had a fucking big billboard in Newark when we were there for the UFC. A big billboard that said, stop killing the teachers. 1.00

00:21:41.000 Stop killing the teachers.

00:21:43.000 Is there a big teacher murder thing going on?

00:21:45.000 Dude, I don't know, but the fact, there must be something. 0.99

00:21:49.000 I mean, otherwise, why would you make a goddamn billboard about it saying stop killing the teachers? 0.98

00:21:53.000 And then, you know, my joke, of course, was the people who are killing the teachers probably can't read. 0.98

00:21:58.000 It's just, you know, it's not really helping.

00:22:00.000 And by the way, they're going to look at that and go, no. 0.98

00:22:04.000 You know, I'm here to kill the teacher. 0.99

00:22:06.000 Might even encourage them a little bit. 1.00

00:22:08.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

00:22:09.000 That's a scary, scary place. 1.00

00:22:11.000 Newark is a spooky place.

00:22:13.000 I lived in Newark for a couple years.

00:22:15.000 I lived there when I was a little kid, and then I lived there again when I was an adult for, I think, about six months.

00:22:20.000 I stayed with my grandfather when I first moved to New York.

00:22:23.000 I couldn't afford my own place and I got signed by this management company and so I had to relocate to New York. 0.97

00:22:29.000 So I just balls up, picked up my shit, whatever money I had in the bank and just went. 0.96

00:22:33.000 I was gone in like two weeks. 0.99

00:22:35.000 So I had to stay with my grandfather.

00:22:37.000 And he lived on North 9th Street in Newark, New Jersey.

00:22:40.000 And I'm telling you, man, you might as well have been in another country.

00:22:45.000 It is a crazy little spot, man.

00:22:47.000 There's a lot going on there, man.

00:22:49.000 There's a lot going on.

00:22:50.000 It's like it's a completely different vibe.

00:22:52.000 I've only gone through there on a train.

00:22:54.000 I don't think I've set foot in there.

00:22:57.000 They did this thing called blockbusting.

00:23:00.000 This is what they used to do.

00:23:01.000 This is how real estate guys made money.

00:23:03.000 It's a really devious practice. 0.96

00:23:05.000 They would go into a neighborhood and say, hey, black people are moving in. 0.97

00:23:09.000 You better sell now because your property value is going to crash. 1.00

00:23:13.000 By the time they move in, you're going to be fucked. 0.99

00:23:16.000 You're going to lose your investment. 0.99

00:23:17.000 So a lot of people bought into it, and a lot of people just took off.

00:23:21.000 Sure enough, boom, it crashed whole neighborhoods.

00:23:24.000 They did it on purpose.

00:23:25.000 They did it to try to make money. 1.00

00:23:26.000 And my grandfather was like, fuck you. 1.00

00:23:28.000 I like black people. 1.00

00:23:29.000 I'm going to stay right here.

00:23:31.000 This is my house.

00:23:31.000 I bought this house.

00:23:32.000 And he watched this neighborhood turn from being an all-Italian neighborhood To being an all-black neighborhood, and then it became like all Spanish. 0.94

00:23:41.000 You know, like various different kinds of, you know, people from Puerto Rico, people from all different nationalities, but a lot of Spanish people now.

00:23:48.000 So it was really almost like a kid watched this whole thing where he was in this old-school America, you know, 1940s, and then boom, all of a sudden he's living in a modern age where everything has just gone crazy around him.

00:24:03.000 I bet Mitt Romney's done some of that blockbusting. 1.00

00:24:06.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:24:07.000 That scumbag. 1.00

00:24:07.000 That seems like that's in his wheelhouse. 1.00

00:24:09.000 You ever seen blockbusting porn?

00:24:11.000 He'd be blockbusting for Jesus.

00:24:14.000 Or blockbusting for Joseph Smith.

00:24:18.000 Yeah, I'm sure he's a swell guy.

00:24:20.000 We're just joking around, folks.

00:24:21.000 I'm sure Mitt Romney's aces.

00:24:23.000 I'm sure he's aces.

00:24:24.000 You know what he says about...

00:24:25.000 Right now he's saying that they should just...

00:24:28.000 Everyone should just go ahead and go bankrupt on all houses.

00:24:33.000 Everyone should just lose their house and let the market decide what happens to everybody. 1.00

00:24:38.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

00:24:38.000 That's his strategy. 1.00

00:24:39.000 Just let everybody...

00:24:40.000 Don't loan any money to anybody.

00:24:43.000 Is that his real statement?

00:24:44.000 Yeah.

00:24:45.000 That's incredible.

00:24:46.000 That's incredible.

00:24:48.000 He's like, let the foreclosure process happen. 0.99

00:24:51.000 It's like being raped. 0.99

00:24:52.000 Just lay back and let it happen. 0.99

00:24:54.000 And don't struggle.

00:24:58.000 The ultimate acceptance that, as a unit, we're only as strong as our weakest link.

00:25:05.000 If you're working towards things as the leader, if you're supposed to be the number one guy, you're at the top calling all the shots, the number one thing you have to take care of is the weakest of the links. 0.99

00:25:18.000 That's the people that are fucked up. 0.99

00:25:19.000 The weakest of the links. 1.00

00:25:20.000 The people that are down and out.

00:25:22.000 The people that are homeless.

00:25:24.000 The people that don't know where their next meal is coming from.

00:25:26.000 You've got to take care of them.

00:25:27.000 You've got to figure that out.

00:25:28.000 Yeah, and that's the problem with our politics in this country is those people are not paying for the politicians.

00:25:34.000 They're not making the contributions that keep them taking.

00:25:38.000 Isn't that racist, though?

00:25:39.000 It's not racist. 0.77

00:25:40.000 There's a lot of poor white people. 0.99

00:25:42.000 Oh yeah, the poverty level right now is so ridiculous. 1.00

00:25:45.000 You go to Kentucky, brother, it doesn't matter, man. 1.00

00:25:47.000 It doesn't matter, white or black. 0.93

00:25:49.000 It doesn't matter.

00:25:50.000 It's not about that.

00:25:51.000 It's about people that are in despair. 0.98

00:25:53.000 For anyone to say that they should just suffer, that's ridiculous.

00:25:57.000 Some people can't do it on their own, man. 0.92

00:25:59.000 Some people need a little help.

00:26:01.000 Some people need to be shown how.

00:26:02.000 We need a nation with someone who's an actual guide, someone who can offer real guidance.

00:26:10.000 And now they're not doing that, man.

00:26:12.000 It's just a money grab. 1.00

00:26:13.000 It's a money grab by all these fucking corporate whores. 1.00

00:26:16.000 And all these people who have paid for these politicians to be in place and paid for these laws to be in place are just reaping the profits while the rest of us freak the fuck out because we can't figure out why the resources are going the way they're going. 1.00

00:26:28.000 We're going, why are you there? 0.99

00:26:30.000 Why do we have 100,000 fucking troops here? 0.99

00:26:33.000 Why do we have troops here? 1.00

00:26:34.000 Why don't we conserve our fucking resources? 0.99

00:26:37.000 Why is that... 1.00

00:26:38.000 The biggest section of our economy.

00:26:39.000 Why does it have to be this military-industrial complex?

00:26:42.000 Why do we have to be doing this?

00:26:44.000 This idea to keep us safe. 1.00

00:26:46.000 What the fuck are you talking about, man? 1.00

00:26:49.000 Keep the troops here. 1.00

00:26:50.000 Let them guard.

00:26:50.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:26:52.000 You want to keep us safe?

00:26:52.000 Put them all over the place.

00:26:53.000 Yeah, have troops all over the outskirts of the fucking country. 0.99

00:26:56.000 That's how you keep it safe. 1.00

00:27:00.000 This is preemptive shit, man. 1.00

00:27:02.000 I don't know, dude. 1.00

00:27:04.000 The whole thing freaks me out.

00:27:06.000 It freaks me out because I can't believe it's this bad in 2011. I was listening to a Robert Anton Wilson lecture.

00:27:13.000 It was in 1993. He was talking about how war is in the process of being phased out.

00:27:21.000 And he was talking about how in the future it's obviously being phased out.

00:27:28.000 And I wonder what he would have said now, today, thinking about that like in 1993. That in 1993 I thought war was going to be phased out too.

00:27:38.000 We all thought it was over.

00:27:39.000 We got through that whole crazy desert storm thing under Bush and...

00:27:44.000 All of a sudden, here we are, and it's 2011, and it's crazier than ever.

00:27:49.000 I wonder what he would have said then.

00:27:51.000 I mean, is it being phased out?

00:27:53.000 Because it doesn't seem like it's being phased out.

00:27:54.000 No, it seems like it's heating up, like we may be pulling it out of a couple places, but going into new ones. 0.98

00:27:59.000 Yeah, it's like, what the fuck is going on? 0.90

00:28:02.000 If there's something else going on, let me know, alright? 0.99

00:28:05.000 If Indiana Jones has found the fucking Lost Temple, and the Ark of the Covenant is in there, and you have to keep the bad guys from getting to it, because, you know, if not, it would be hell on earth. 0.94

00:28:14.000 And hopefully there's no snakes. 0.99

00:28:16.000 Yeah, fucking please let me know, because otherwise, this is crazy. 0.99

00:28:21.000 Otherwise, this is crazy. 1.00

00:28:22.000 And it's just so obvious that there's money behind all this shit. 1.00

00:28:27.000 It's so obvious. 1.00

00:28:28.000 We live in the grossest, most corrupt country ever. 0.81

00:28:32.000 It's so bizarre. 0.86

00:28:34.000 Not ever, of course.

00:28:34.000 I'm just kidding.

00:28:35.000 I mean, I'm sure a lot of Middle Eastern countries, a lot of South American countries, they're pretty corrupt, too. 0.72

00:28:40.000 But the fact that we're this wonky... 0.98

00:28:43.000 You know, and then everybody wants to stand up and say, well, if you don't fucking like it, you should get out. 0.99

00:28:47.000 If you don't like it, you should leave America. 0.98

00:28:49.000 You know, like, there's so many rah-rah-rah fans out there. 0.98

00:28:53.000 Not liking it is what the whole country's been built upon.

00:28:56.000 Exactly.

00:28:56.000 That was the idea, is that everybody gets to contribute.

00:29:00.000 It's called a democracy, and we're all supposed to participate and help one another.

00:29:05.000 Yeah.

00:29:06.000 And now it's just like, it's becoming so every man for himself that...

00:29:10.000 The disparity between the richest 1% and the poorest people, it's just insane, the difference. 0.99

00:29:17.000 It's a goddamn money grab out there. 0.99

00:29:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:19.000 It's a money grab out there, left and right. 1.00

00:29:22.000 So are all the Occupy's right now being shut down?

00:29:24.000 I don't know.

00:29:26.000 Each city's kind of treating it differently.

00:29:29.000 There's a few cities that are really embracing it.

00:29:32.000 Yeah, like Portland, right?

00:29:33.000 In LA, it's not really a problem.

00:29:35.000 The original one I heard got shut down. 0.96

00:29:37.000 Yeah, I heard some crazy shit that they were keeping reporters out and they were forcing reporters out of the area. 0.97

00:29:43.000 They said it was for their own safety. 0.99

00:29:45.000 These reporters were like, that's insulting.

00:29:47.000 Bloomberg cleared everybody out.

00:29:50.000 They're all intense.

00:29:51.000 And they went through and told everybody they had 10 minutes to get out at 1 a.m.

00:29:56.000 on Tuesday.

00:29:59.000 And, you know, they used quite a bit of force to get everybody out of there.

00:30:03.000 And now they're letting people back in, but they're saying they can't have tents and sleeping bags.

00:30:07.000 Like, you can go back in and just stand there.

00:30:09.000 And the idea is they figure that that's going to kill the movement a little bit because it's getting so cold.

00:30:14.000 And they won't be able to last through the winter.

00:30:17.000 But Bloomberg keeps saying it's a safety issue.

00:30:20.000 And also that they have the right to peaceably assemble, but they don't have a right to have a tent or a sleeping bag. 0.98

00:30:27.000 Which is just kind of like, well, but that's so that they can assemble peaceably and not just all freeze to death in the middle of the fucking park in New York.

00:30:35.000 Like, why would they want casualties or why would they want people to suffer that much, you know, in order to just express their, you know, anger at Wall Street? 0.52

00:30:47.000 I mean, I think it's fantastic that it's that it that that it's happening everywhere.

00:30:53.000 You know, that there's, you know, there's Occupy Dubuque and stuff like that, but also this new.

00:30:59.000 Bloomberg doing this, if he had just let it be, the movement might have died.

00:31:04.000 But it brought this whole new media storm and all this new footage of cops just beating up these people that don't look like hippies.

00:31:13.000 They're not all in tie-dye.

00:31:15.000 They're just people that are just concerned and showing up to...

00:31:21.000 To make a mark.

00:31:22.000 They're holding hand by hand.

00:31:25.000 Did you see that video?

00:31:27.000 That's just insane.

00:31:28.000 I can't believe that as a fellow person, just being able to do that to that girl.

00:31:33.000 Little girl.

00:31:34.000 What he's saying is they were jabbing him with batons.

00:31:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:31:38.000 And Bloomberg, he makes it all about...

00:31:40.000 It was horrible.

00:31:41.000 He makes it all about keeping people of New York safe by kicking everybody out of there.

00:31:47.000 And it's like when they're in their tents, who is in danger?

00:31:50.000 Nobody.

00:31:50.000 But as soon as they're spraying pepper spray.

00:31:52.000 Well, maybe he's worried about people freezing to death.

00:31:55.000 I don't think he is.

00:31:56.000 I think he just...

00:31:57.000 I don't think he is either, but it is sort of a legal concern that...

00:32:01.000 If someone freezes to death on your lawn, who's responsible for that?

00:32:05.000 Yeah.

00:32:05.000 No.

00:32:06.000 Well, it's certainly not his lawn.

00:32:08.000 It's like a public park that's privately owned.

00:32:11.000 Is it?

00:32:12.000 It's owned by some corporation.

00:32:14.000 Is it also public safety, though?

00:32:17.000 That's the argument.

00:32:19.000 His argument was that people can't enjoy the park if the park is full of people that are just there to protest.

00:32:25.000 But it's like, hey, it's New York City.

00:32:27.000 Walk two blocks and enjoy that other park. 1.00

00:32:30.000 It's just one fucking park. 0.99

00:32:33.000 But I think what... 0.99

00:32:37.000 There's definitely two sides to it, but it just feels like what Bloomberg did sort of energized the movement in a way that might not have happened if he did just let it play out.

00:32:50.000 How would anybody expect them to behave, though?

00:32:53.000 They've got to figure out a way to squash this, and they have to take drastic measures.

00:32:57.000 That's why they go through in the middle of the night, everybody's fucking half asleep, and they go in there and just say, you've got to go now, get out.

00:33:04.000 But there's footage of cops lifting guys up and throwing them over the barricade and stuff. 0.79

00:33:10.000 And the cops, for the most part, I like to say they're doing what they're told to do.

00:33:15.000 I don't like to blame the cops.

00:33:17.000 Yeah, they're doing what they're told to do, but when they're doing it, all of a sudden the people that don't want to listen become the enemy.

00:33:24.000 They become bad guys.

00:33:26.000 Yeah, it's like a bouncer with a drunk person in a club.

00:33:28.000 Like, when that drunk person is belligerent, then it gets violent.

00:33:32.000 But these people aren't bad guys.

00:33:33.000 They should, like, let them still occupy, like, the trees.

00:33:36.000 Like, they should be allowed to, like, live in the trees in the park so that the park could still be...

00:33:40.000 That's a fantastic idea.

00:33:41.000 Yeah, but then what if a hippie falls on you while you're walking your dog? 0.95

00:33:43.000 Then you have some real safety issues.

00:33:44.000 Yeah, they have to have some safety, like, people that check it out, but then they become Ewoks in a couple months, and... 1.00

00:33:50.000 The idea is to cause some inconvenience and draw some attention.

00:33:58.000 You don't get together and protest something and do it super politely.

00:34:04.000 Imagine if that's where sloths came from. 0.95

00:34:06.000 They were originally people. 1.00

00:34:07.000 They were just so fucking stupid. 1.00

00:34:09.000 They eventually just became these clawed things. 1.00

00:34:12.000 They degenerated to that point.

00:34:14.000 Imagine if someone proved that.

00:34:16.000 That's why Sloth is like, you know, that's like a sin.

00:34:20.000 That's one of the sins, the basic sins, right?

00:34:22.000 Yeah.

00:34:23.000 It's my favorite.

00:34:25.000 Sloth?

00:34:25.000 Yeah.

00:34:26.000 Yeah, what was that movie with Brad Pitt?

00:34:28.000 Seven with a seven instead of a V. Yeah.

00:34:32.000 That's a good movie. 1.00

00:34:32.000 That's a good fucking movie. 1.00

00:34:34.000 It's a creepy movie. 1.00

00:34:36.000 That one dude, the sloth guy, was sitting hunched over the table. 1.00

00:34:41.000 It was the first time where I saw a body where they had makeup where it was blue. 0.76

00:34:45.000 It's been sitting there for a while.

00:34:47.000 They did a good job.

00:34:49.000 Dead thing. 1.00

00:34:49.000 It looked dead as fuck. 1.00

00:34:52.000 Do you ever do that? 0.99

00:34:53.000 What?

00:34:53.000 Get makeup like that on you just for fun?

00:34:55.000 Like, it looks like your stomach's...

00:34:57.000 What?

00:35:01.000 No.

00:35:02.000 I don't do a lot of things just for fun.

00:35:05.000 I'm no Brian Redman.

00:35:07.000 Brian Redman lives just for fun.

00:35:09.000 Yeah.

00:35:09.000 The things you do.

00:35:10.000 I wish.

00:35:11.000 You got a Dragon's Lair shirt on.

00:35:12.000 What's that about? 0.94

00:35:13.000 I went to a comic book store the other day because I've been hearing all this shit about how comic book stores are just hurting right now. 0.96

00:35:20.000 They're suffering the most with this whole economy. 0.96

00:35:23.000 People aren't buying comics anymore.

00:35:24.000 They don't have any free money where kids are downloading comics now.

00:35:29.000 So I decided there's one in Burbank that I've always driven by.

00:35:33.000 It's like, I might check it out.

00:35:34.000 Maybe I can find a cool poster for the studio or something.

00:35:37.000 So I went in there and I just, I was in there for like three hours.

00:35:40.000 It's the best store ever.

00:35:41.000 You bought a bunch of stuff.

00:35:42.000 A bunch of just like random things.

00:35:44.000 It was so cheap.

00:35:45.000 It was like, posters were like $7.

00:35:47.000 I was like, I never get a chance to brag about this, but I worked at the arcade that had the very first Dragon's Lair, the test one, before it went public, and I probably killed the dragon.

00:35:59.000 I was probably maybe the 30th or 40th person in the world to get all the way to the end and kill the dragon.

00:36:05.000 Because I would stay at night when I was off duty, and I had keys to the place, and I would just stay in there and play and play and play until I finally got to the dragon.

00:36:15.000 You know, figured it all out and killed the dragon.

00:36:17.000 And, you know, and then eventually it went, you know, went public.

00:36:21.000 That is amazing.

00:36:22.000 All over the place.

00:36:23.000 You just gave me the biggest nerd boner. 0.97

00:36:25.000 In San Diego, I worked in an arcade called Starport.

00:36:27.000 It was in a mall.

00:36:28.000 But when you walked in, there was all this corrugated tin and stuff that simulates, kind of like you're going into like Space Mountain or something.

00:36:35.000 And there's like stars on the ceiling.

00:36:37.000 It was kind of a cool themed arcade.

00:36:40.000 Refresh my memory, because I remember the Dragon's Lair was like this really cool animated thing where, you know, you would go...

00:36:48.000 But you would have to move certain ways to...

00:36:51.000 There was a series of scenes that would happen on the screen, you know, like an animated movie.

00:36:56.000 It looked like a Don Lutheran Disney movie.

00:36:58.000 And you had like, you know, I think you had a regular toggle thing and then a couple of buttons...

00:37:03.000 Yeah, it's a joystick and an action button.

00:37:06.000 And usually it started off like you're walking down a bridge, and then a snake comes up.

00:37:11.000 And you have to think, what would you want to do?

00:37:13.000 Either take the sword to the snake or left?

00:37:15.000 But it was more of a guessing game.

00:37:16.000 It was more like you had to try every combination of things to do.

00:37:20.000 There's one part where you're like...

00:37:22.000 You're in a cave roaring down a river in a raft or something, and you can go to the right or the left, and so if you toggle to the right, you go the rest of the way without encountering anything, but if you go the other way, something goes wrong and you lose a life or something.

00:37:40.000 There's just a bunch of options through the whole thing.

00:37:43.000 Until finally you get to and kill the dragon.

00:37:46.000 But yeah, it was weird because it was early enough in video games where it wasn't like you could really make the things do that much.

00:37:56.000 Because also it was pre-animated and there weren't a lot of options.

00:37:59.000 So as long as you did the right thing, you move forward or there would be a scene of you failing.

00:38:04.000 They have it on the iPad I believe now.

00:38:06.000 Really?

00:38:07.000 That's my dream is to get an original Dragon's Lair arcade game.

00:38:11.000 And my friend actually just got one and I'm so jealous.

00:38:13.000 That's your dream?

00:38:14.000 That was one of my, like, you know, like you have dream things, like gold shorts.

00:38:18.000 I went to gold shorts circuit.

00:38:19.000 I think you would get really bored of it today, man.

00:38:22.000 But also, yeah, let me give you also another reason to not be jealous.

00:38:25.000 Here's the reason to not be jealous is because when that thing breaks down, there's nobody that can fix it.

00:38:31.000 I already have a laser displayer at my house, brand new, just waiting to replace it.

00:38:36.000 What?

00:38:37.000 What?

00:38:38.000 LaserDisc.

00:38:39.000 Wait, you're good enough with that kind of stuff that you can install the...

00:38:41.000 A couple of my friends, that's what they do for a living, the arcade restoration.

00:38:46.000 Is that work on LaserDisc?

00:38:47.000 Is that what it is?

00:38:48.000 Oh yeah, it's a LaserDisc, actually.

00:38:49.000 So the game is a LaserDisc?

00:38:51.000 Yes.

00:38:51.000 Essentially, yeah, with just different...

00:38:53.000 When you toggle the correct way or you push the button the right way, it goes into a different chapter.

00:38:58.000 But honestly, nowadays, you can mod arcade games.

00:39:02.000 I could hook up a computer to it and have every single arcade game ever.

00:39:05.000 You know, so you don't even need the laser displayer anymore using ROMs.

00:39:09.000 How many options were there for movement?

00:39:11.000 That's what I don't remember.

00:39:12.000 I just remember it being completely groundbreaking, like, whoa, this is like, it's like an animated movie.

00:39:18.000 This is amazing!

00:39:18.000 It was just joystick and one button.

00:39:20.000 That's all it was?

00:39:21.000 Yeah, if I recall.

00:39:22.000 Yeah, you just kind of like are always kind of moving to the left or the right or in the case of like throwing the sword into the dragon, I think you had to just press the button and motion in that direction at the same time.

00:39:34.000 Yeah, Laserdisc games of the 80s were one of my favorite things ever.

00:39:37.000 He had that mock It was really cool because it was also using a laser display.

00:39:48.000 It was new.

00:39:49.000 They had Space Ace which was also done by Don Bluth who did Dragon's Lair.

00:39:55.000 And there was one game, they started taking Japanese cartoon movies and making them video games.

00:40:02.000 Malibu Grand Prix had a, it was a racetrack thing in the Midwest where they had a whole arcade division.

00:40:07.000 So they took these animated movies and one was called Space 666, it was like about a train.

00:40:13.000 And it was the coolest video game because you were on top of a train It was like Dragon's Lair, and it was like a spy movie.

00:40:19.000 It was so cool.

00:40:20.000 No, I remember this.

00:40:22.000 But that style of game didn't really catch on.

00:40:25.000 It didn't really become...

00:40:26.000 It was big briefly in the 80s.

00:40:29.000 I mean, it didn't become a lot of them, you know, like there's Pac-Man and then everything that's sort of like Pac-Man.

00:40:34.000 I vaguely remember that.

00:40:35.000 I vaguely remember that on an arcade.

00:40:37.000 What year was this?

00:40:38.000 This was about 85, 86. I don't think I ever saw that.

00:40:42.000 I only saw, I remember Space Ace and feeling like it was already like, oh, well, that's not Dragon's Lair.

00:40:47.000 That's just an attempt to be like Dragon's Lair.

00:40:50.000 Home computer games must have just crushed video arcades, right?

00:40:53.000 It did when Nintendo finally came out.

00:40:56.000 Do they still have a big video arcade?

00:40:59.000 Do you remember when we used to go to just video arcades? 0.99

00:41:01.000 You'd open the door and it was just all fucking... 0.75

00:41:03.000 Now it's always with something else or in a weird place like an airport or a casino. 0.95

00:41:09.000 What are those Dave& Buster type places?

00:41:12.000 Yeah, they have a room of games.

00:41:14.000 They also have to have food and drinks and pool tables and...

00:41:19.000 Shuffleboard. 0.99

00:41:20.000 No place is just video games, except for there's one joint in Portland that's like a whole arcade that's just all old school shit. 0.99

00:41:31.000 Of course it's in Portland. 0.99

00:41:32.000 Yeah, right?

00:41:33.000 Of course it's in Portland.

00:41:34.000 That's funny.

00:41:35.000 I told you about my friend that does the restorations, Brian Penzone, Columbus, Ohio.

00:41:40.000 His whole basement...

00:41:42.000 He made an 80s arcade room.

00:41:44.000 So you walk down, it's like you walk down into 1980. Oh, wow.

00:41:48.000 And so it's amazing, and it's huge.

00:41:50.000 So he decorated it like Wayne's World style?

00:41:52.000 Everything, like those little pink neon that's always at the top, you know, from the 80s.

00:41:57.000 As soon as Brian Posehn made a nickel in show business, he and his buddy Dave Rath bought a...

00:42:04.000 A combination.

00:42:05.000 It was half and half, Ms. Pac-Man, Galaga.

00:42:08.000 I just spent hours over his house playing Galaga. 1.00

00:42:13.000 Galaga's the shit. 1.00

00:42:15.000 I'm pretty good at Galaga. 1.00

00:42:16.000 And then he also got a Joust slash Robotron.

00:42:20.000 And I'm really good at Robotron.

00:42:22.000 It was another one that I... You know, I just worked in an arcade, so I just played games all day.

00:42:26.000 Kids would come up to me and they'd be like, can I get some tokens?

00:42:29.000 And I'd be like, hang on a second, kid.

00:42:31.000 You know, and I'd finish the round, then I'd throw them some tokens, and then I'd go back to playing.

00:42:35.000 Like, it was the craziest job.

00:42:37.000 Yeah, I went one of those cocktail tables for the studio.

00:42:40.000 Oh, those are great!

00:42:41.000 I went one of those cocktail table Pac-Man Joust games or whatever.

00:42:43.000 I used to have those, like, while you're waiting around, like, in a pizza hut or something.

00:42:47.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:42:47.000 You could sit down, or, like, sit down table pinball was also kind of cool.

00:42:52.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:53.000 There's a place near me that the movie theater has an arcade.

00:42:55.000 It has a little entry room where you can go and play video games while you're waiting for your movie.

00:43:01.000 I just like the look of it.

00:43:02.000 I like the style of arcade games.

00:43:04.000 I don't even play it much.

00:43:05.000 I have a Pac-Man at the studio and I barely ever play it.

00:43:07.000 I just like the lights of it.

00:43:08.000 I like just the look of it.

00:43:10.000 It's relaxing. 0.99

00:43:12.000 It's a goddamn Leonard Skinner poster. 0.99

00:43:14.000 That's right. 0.99

00:43:15.000 It relaxes you when you're heat-up melons.

00:43:19.000 I get turned on by these video game commercials, man.

00:43:22.000 I get turned on by these video game commercials, but not to the point where I'll go out and get it.

00:43:26.000 Oh, really?

00:43:27.000 I won't allow myself.

00:43:29.000 I just know that I will...

00:43:30.000 Any new video game...

00:43:32.000 I sort of kicked it.

00:43:34.000 I just stopped doing it altogether after Mario Kart.

00:43:40.000 I used to play that day and night, and then...

00:43:44.000 After a while, you're just like, what is getting great at this going to do for me? 0.99

00:43:47.000 It's fun, but holy shit. 0.99

00:43:50.000 It's the trick. 0.99

00:43:50.000 You're getting tricked. 0.99

00:43:51.000 You're getting tricked into doing something absolutely stupid with your time. 0.99

00:43:54.000 It hijacks your whole idea, your reward system. 0.99

00:43:58.000 You're succeeding.

00:44:00.000 Yes, yes, accomplishing.

00:44:01.000 You're focused.

00:44:02.000 You're in on it.

00:44:03.000 But really, you're not even in the real world.

00:44:05.000 You're getting all these signals from this fake world.

00:44:08.000 Yeah, but it's like watching a movie to me nowadays.

00:44:11.000 It's like watching a movie to me.

00:44:14.000 I want to escape reality, but I want to have more control of the movie.

00:44:17.000 So that's kind of why I do...

00:44:19.000 I don't watch as many movies anymore.

00:44:21.000 When you have interactive video games, there's a lot of thinking involved.

00:44:25.000 Especially if you're playing like...

00:44:27.000 If you're playing Counter-Strike or something like that or playing Quake or any of those...

00:44:31.000 Or like John Madden, you've got to know a shitload about all the players and stuff.

00:44:34.000 There's a lot of thinking going on.

00:44:36.000 Your synapses are firing.

00:44:38.000 Whether or not you choose to think that they're firing on something useful or not, that's really sort of an arbitrary decision.

00:44:44.000 You can't say that...

00:44:45.000 This person isn't actually training their mind through intense video games.

00:44:48.000 Because you're doing intense video games, you're multitasking.

00:44:51.000 Your synapses are firing.

00:44:53.000 You're moving your fingers.

00:44:54.000 In first-person shooters, you have to be in direct coordination with your left hand, which moves your keys, and your right hand, which controls the mouse. 0.99

00:45:02.000 There's a lot of shit going on. 0.99

00:45:04.000 You can't tell me that that's not exercise for your mind. 1.00

00:45:07.000 I played a lot of GoldenEye, too, now that I think of it.

00:45:09.000 You know they re-released that?

00:45:11.000 Huh?

00:45:11.000 They re-released that game.

00:45:12.000 Oh, really?

00:45:13.000 What's going on?

00:45:13.000 It was the first James Bond, like the first pretty cool...

00:45:16.000 Was it good?

00:45:17.000 You know, run around, grab different weapons.

00:45:19.000 First person shooter type thing.

00:45:21.000 Yeah, but they'd have, you know, you could play four people at a time, so me and Posehn and two other people would just sit there for hours chasing each other around, trying to shoot each other. 1.00

00:45:30.000 So stupid. 1.00

00:45:31.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

00:45:32.000 The whole staff on news radio, the entire writing staff, was addicted to Quake.

00:45:37.000 And they had a LAN set up, a local area network set up in the office where they had like six, seven computers all linked up together and they would have these mad Quake tournaments.

00:45:46.000 It was crazy. 0.68

00:45:48.000 It was really fucking fun. 0.98

00:45:50.000 It was, unfortunately though, hugely addictive. 0.99

00:45:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:45:56.000 I would get really stuck playing where I was like, you know, 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock in the morning, alright, I gotta go home.

00:46:04.000 I could make myself drive home because we're all playing.

00:46:07.000 When I worked at Gateway, all the tech guys with all the Gateway stores in Columbus, we used to have LAN parties.

00:46:14.000 Every Friday we'd just get alcohol and we'd all have shuttles or small little portable computers.

00:46:23.000 Yeah.

00:46:23.000 We'll bring our computers, our cantaloupes, and then we would just sit there and play Battlefield or whatever for like hours until like 5 in the morning.

00:46:31.000 Local area networks are fun.

00:46:32.000 We used to do that in the Quake clan that I was in.

00:46:34.000 We would get together in Houston, Texas.

00:46:36.000 Most of those guys lived in Houston.

00:46:38.000 So we would go to Houston and have these local area network parties set up, all the computers set up in this room.

00:46:44.000 That'd be awesome.

00:46:45.000 I've seen places...

00:46:47.000 That was a thing they tried to do.

00:46:49.000 Make it a huge...

00:46:50.000 Also, you could sit down and just have a LAN party every time you hang out there.

00:46:54.000 Dude, if we do...

00:46:55.000 And do a podcast during that.

00:46:56.000 I'll have a real problem.

00:46:57.000 Yeah, how can you...

00:46:58.000 It'd be hard to podcast while playing a game.

00:47:01.000 I'll play some.

00:47:01.000 If you want to put some Quake on there, I'll play some Quake once a week.

00:47:04.000 I'll open up the Dragon's Door.

00:47:06.000 I'll open up Pandora's Box.

00:47:07.000 Yeah, that'd be cool.

00:47:09.000 LAN party podcast.

00:47:11.000 I got to play pool.

00:47:12.000 I played pool last night with Don Marrera.

00:47:14.000 You did?

00:47:15.000 Why?

00:47:15.000 Where?

00:47:15.000 Dom Herrera.

00:47:16.000 Why?

00:47:19.000 Dom Herrera's a good pool player.

00:47:21.000 That's why you played with him?

00:47:22.000 Yeah, he's a buddy.

00:47:24.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:47:24.000 I didn't know you knew him, but you just went to his house?

00:47:28.000 We met at a pool hall.

00:47:30.000 We met at a pool hall.

00:47:31.000 Where's the pool hall?

00:47:31.000 Because that's another thing that seems to be dying.

00:47:33.000 Yeah, it's not hard to find pool halls.

00:47:35.000 This was the House of Billiards in Sherman Oaks.

00:47:37.000 Yeah, it's hard to find good places.

00:47:39.000 Vegas has the most good places.

00:47:41.000 Vegas still has 24-hour pool halls, which is an anomaly outside of Vegas.

00:47:45.000 It used to be, in New York, you could get 24-hour pool halls a lot.

00:47:48.000 There was Chelsea, Chelsea Billiards, and there was a bunch of other smaller places that were 24 hours.

00:47:52.000 I don't know how many of them are left, but Chelsea's gone and a lot of other big ones are gone.

00:47:56.000 That's crazy.

00:47:57.000 A 24-hour place to play a sport.

00:47:59.000 There's not many of those.

00:48:00.000 There's not like anything else.

00:48:01.000 The name pool really is all about gambling.

00:48:05.000 It's really pocket billiards.

00:48:06.000 It's called pool because everybody's pooling their money together and betting.

00:48:10.000 The fun in pool is all about money.

00:48:13.000 It's all about gambling.

00:48:14.000 And so you would go to these places, and the reason why they were open 24 hours a day is because no one ever wanted to leave.

00:48:20.000 They would just play and gamble.

00:48:21.000 Just trying to double up, and then you get down, and you try to get back up.

00:48:25.000 Guys would sleep under the tables.

00:48:26.000 It was so common that guys would stay there for two, three days.

00:48:29.000 Yeah, I would go and do gigs.

00:48:31.000 I'd come back, and the same guys would be there from the night before in the same clothes.

00:48:36.000 It's almost like a job for a lot of guys.

00:48:38.000 Yeah, and they would be gambling like crazy, but it was always fun.

00:48:42.000 It was always exciting. 0.98

00:48:44.000 The world of gambling and pool, if you're in an action room, it's fucking fun, man. 0.97

00:48:51.000 It's very addictive. 0.72

00:48:53.000 But again, it's just like the video game thing.

00:48:55.000 It's like, what are you doing by getting really good at putting balls in holes?

00:48:58.000 What are you doing?

00:48:59.000 And gambling illegally and getting in scrapes with guys because you don't...

00:49:03.000 You don't like cigarettes.

00:49:05.000 Hustling dudes.

00:49:06.000 For the most part, if everybody knew everybody, there was very few problems. 0.99

00:49:10.000 But there was always stories of, you know, this guy wanted his money back and he came at this guy with a fucking golf club. 0.98

00:49:16.000 There was always those stories. 0.98

00:49:18.000 I saw a few scuffles over the years of hanging out in pool halls.

00:49:22.000 But for the most part, when people paid, you know, if they wanted to keep gambling, they had to pay when they lost.

00:49:28.000 Because there was a gambler's ethic.

00:49:30.000 If you caused trouble when you lost and you were only happy when you won, nobody would gamble with you.

00:49:36.000 People didn't want to.

00:49:37.000 So they just naturally became guys who had good reputations and guys who didn't.

00:49:41.000 And if you didn't know the guy, don't play him.

00:49:44.000 But then Tom Cruise and Paul Newman showed up.

00:49:47.000 That was the big boom.

00:49:49.000 That's when people realized how fun it was.

00:49:51.000 But it's one of those things that's sort of getting lost in our culture.

00:49:56.000 When we were playing last night, there was a girl at a table next to us that was pretty good.

00:50:01.000 She could play pretty good. 0.98

00:50:03.000 And she was with her boyfriend who couldn't fucking play at all. 0.99

00:50:06.000 And she was humiliating him. 0.99

00:50:08.000 And he was trying, getting super upset.

00:50:11.000 But she didn't even try to help him. 1.00

00:50:13.000 His technique was fucking horrible. 0.99

00:50:16.000 His elbow was up in the air. 0.99

00:50:18.000 He was putting all kinds of extra spin on the ball.

00:50:20.000 He couldn't make a ball to save his life.

00:50:21.000 And the girl was just laughing at him and jumping up and down every time she won. 0.99

00:50:25.000 And you could see him getting fucking pissed. 0.96

00:50:28.000 Getting actually pissed off that she was bragging because she was winning this game. 0.99

00:50:33.000 You could see him almost want to hit her.

00:50:35.000 I'm like, wow. 1.00

00:50:37.000 There's some deep-seated shit in this game. 1.00

00:50:40.000 All competition between dudes and their girlfriends of any kind, it brings out some really weird shit. 1.00

00:50:46.000 Basketball, yeah. 0.97

00:50:47.000 Because as a man, you've got to win.

00:50:49.000 And against a woman?

00:50:50.000 Yeah.

00:50:51.000 No matter how nice to the women you are and how much you respect them, it's still this weird...

00:50:57.000 Yeah.

00:50:57.000 You know, thing kicks in that's just hardwired.

00:51:00.000 Yeah, I was dating this chick. 1.00

00:51:02.000 This is how I got into pool.

00:51:03.000 I was dating this chick, and she was a little older than me, and she used to like to tell me what to do. 1.00

00:51:07.000 I didn't really like that, but I liked to fuck her. 1.00

00:51:09.000 So I stuck around for a little while. 1.00

00:51:12.000 But...

00:51:13.000 Because that was one of the things she'd tell you to do?

00:51:15.000 Yeah, we played pool once and she beat me playing pool. 1.00

00:51:20.000 I wasn't good, so I wouldn't say she was pretty good, but she beat me. 1.00

00:51:23.000 And so I said, oh shit, I found something she's good at. 0.99

00:51:28.000 She's better at me than this. 1.00

00:51:29.000 Well, this is terrible.

00:51:30.000 I have to fix this.

00:51:31.000 I have to fix this at once.

00:51:32.000 So I went to the pool hall and learned how to play pool.

00:51:35.000 I went and started practicing.

00:51:37.000 I went and I got a book on it.

00:51:40.000 I got my own cue.

00:51:42.000 I figured out how to play pool. 0.99

00:51:44.000 And then we played again and I killed her.

00:51:46.000 You pooted her? 0.95

00:51:47.000 Yeah, we played again.

00:51:49.000 I totally practiced, totally learned how to play pool.

00:51:53.000 I mean, I wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination, but at least I knew how to play pool.

00:51:58.000 I was definitely way better than I was the first time we played.

00:52:01.000 And then I won.

00:52:02.000 So I had a problem that I couldn't let her have beaten me at something.

00:52:07.000 And this is how I got addicted playing pool.

00:52:09.000 I'm imagining you being like the zookeeper character as you're telling that story.

00:52:13.000 Totally.

00:52:14.000 Dude, I was totally like that guy.

00:52:15.000 Well, that was the dark days.

00:52:16.000 That was the actual fighting days.

00:52:18.000 The dark days, I was way crazier.

00:52:22.000 Yeah, I can't think of an example of something I taught myself to be better at to beat my girlfriend, but I'm sure it happened.

00:52:27.000 Yeah, I could not let her.

00:52:29.000 She was older than me, and she was smart.

00:52:31.000 There was no way.

00:52:32.000 She was a very educated person, too.

00:52:34.000 You know, she was a musician. 1.00

00:52:37.000 She had a lot of shit going on. 1.00

00:52:39.000 She ever wrote a song about you when you guys were dating? 1.00

00:52:42.000 No, no, no.

00:52:42.000 That would have been cool if there was a song out there about you.

00:52:45.000 Yeah, it would probably be mean.

00:52:48.000 I can't guess.

00:52:50.000 She's a nice person.

00:52:51.000 Very nice person.

00:52:52.000 Do you still know her, sort of?

00:52:54.000 No.

00:52:55.000 It's very hard to stay in touch with people.

00:52:57.000 When you used to date them, they date other people. 0.98

00:53:00.000 They don't want some dude fucking calling and texting and emailing. 1.00

00:53:03.000 It's not right. 0.99

00:53:04.000 It's not right.

00:53:05.000 Wish them the best.

00:53:07.000 Don't confuse everybody.

00:53:08.000 You can confuse the shit out of people. 0.68

00:53:11.000 Don't you think? 0.94

00:53:12.000 Yeah.

00:53:13.000 But, you know, all of a sudden, you know, you're in a fight with your husband, and, you know, you're having email talks with your ex-boyfriend, and all of a sudden you start thinking, you know, maybe this guy and I could give it one more shot.

00:53:23.000 Maybe that's why...

00:53:24.000 It can create conflict, you know?

00:53:26.000 I think if it's an open forum only, then that's cool.

00:53:29.000 Like a Facebook wall...

00:53:30.000 Posts and stuff like that.

00:53:31.000 Like, hey, how you been?

00:53:32.000 We should hang out sometime or something like that.

00:53:34.000 Yeah, maybe.

00:53:35.000 You could do it that way. 0.94

00:53:36.000 There's always some gamemanship or somebody wants something and then the trouble is that other people in your life start questioning what's going on and it sucks. 0.99

00:53:46.000 Yeah, it sucks. 0.99

00:53:47.000 It's annoying. 1.00

00:53:48.000 Really, we should be able to just fuck everybody. 0.99

00:53:50.000 That's really ideal, but no one can handle that. 1.00

00:53:52.000 No one can handle that.

00:53:53.000 That would be so weird.

00:53:54.000 Brian Redman's the only person that could handle that.

00:53:57.000 No.

00:53:57.000 But could you imagine if the ego actually gets completely cured?

00:54:01.000 You can't have art then.

00:54:03.000 You're not going to have everything to say.

00:54:05.000 Art is like the struggle.

00:54:06.000 All the best jokes were to get laid.

00:54:08.000 Art is like the struggle.

00:54:10.000 Yeah, the best painter.

00:54:11.000 Art is like the struggle between the ego and the desire to produce something fantastic to please others.

00:54:21.000 And if you don't control the ego, you can't really produce art, but the fight with the ego is what fuels the art sometimes.

00:54:29.000 So if we had no ego, we'd have no art. 0.99

00:54:31.000 But people would just fuck randomly. 1.00

00:54:34.000 Everybody would just be able to fuck everybody. 1.00

00:54:35.000 You wouldn't worry about it. 0.99

00:54:36.000 It takes nerve to be an artist because you're basically saying that I can do this thing so well that people are going to want it.

00:54:45.000 Yeah, it's very arrogant.

00:54:47.000 Yeah, super arrogant, but it's also...

00:54:49.000 It starts out like you're just... 0.82

00:54:53.000 I get people asking me all the time...

00:54:56.000 How do you become a stand-up comic?

00:54:58.000 And I'm just like, you know, do it.

00:55:00.000 That's how you become one.

00:55:01.000 You just do it.

00:55:02.000 And then they're always like, yeah, but do you have any advice?

00:55:04.000 And I really, like, there's lots of little tiny pieces of advice that you can give if you want to sit with a person and talk to them for two weeks.

00:55:12.000 But big advice is just do it. 0.97

00:55:15.000 Yeah, never underestimate the power of actually fucking doing something. 0.90

00:55:18.000 Yeah, and also not, the fact that they're questioning it at all, the fact that they're looking to someone else for help to get started, makes you think that they, how are they ever going to make it because they don't want it badly enough. 0.89

00:55:29.000 They're not going to just do it.

00:55:31.000 Yeah, I never asked anybody.

00:55:32.000 All I asked is what you have to do to get on stage.

00:55:34.000 What do you have to do to get on stage?

00:55:35.000 That was my initial question.

00:55:37.000 But once I got in, you know, and started doing open mics, I just, you know, you figure it out by doing it.

00:55:43.000 It's total trial and error.

00:55:45.000 Yeah, no one's good.

00:55:46.000 No one's good.

00:55:47.000 No one that you know who thinks they're funny can go on stage and kill in front of a room full of strangers.

00:55:52.000 You might laugh if you think they're your buddy and they're up there yuck-yucking it up.

00:55:56.000 But guess what? 0.98

00:55:57.000 It's a weird fucking way to communicate with people and it really is not all that it seems. 0.97

00:56:03.000 It's a very tricky sort of a craft that you have to learn and develop. 0.98

00:56:07.000 But you can do it.

00:56:08.000 Anybody can do it.

00:56:09.000 But nobody's good in the beginning.

00:56:11.000 Nobody's good in the beginning.

00:56:13.000 Yeah, or you get your laughs here and there, and that's encouraging.

00:56:16.000 You get a little chuckle here and there. 1.00

00:56:17.000 You feel like you're on to something, but you suck, dude. 1.00

00:56:21.000 We all suck. 1.00

00:56:22.000 Everybody does. 1.00

00:56:23.000 Your first time is usually the best, too, within the next ten times.

00:56:27.000 But some people get an extra charisma bump, too, though.

00:56:30.000 You know what I mean?

00:56:31.000 I bet you the first sets of Bill Hicks, Eddie Murphy...

00:56:36.000 Spade started really early.

00:56:37.000 Rock started really early.

00:56:39.000 Those guys were probably pretty decent their first time out, just because it's that charismatic personality.

00:56:47.000 Well, I was talking about Joey Diaz, who's one of my favorite comedians of all time.

00:56:51.000 Joey is, in my opinion...

00:56:54.000 He's like, out of just sheer laugh-out-loud, fall-down moments, he's provided me with the most of any human being ever.

00:57:01.000 I agree.

00:57:01.000 And Joey was not that good when I met him.

00:57:03.000 He was not that good on stage.

00:57:05.000 He just couldn't do it.

00:57:06.000 It was a real weird thing.

00:57:07.000 I don't know what it was.

00:57:08.000 Well, he's just a hilarious dude.

00:57:09.000 I mean, he's hilarious talking about anything.

00:57:11.000 Yeah, but he...

00:57:12.000 And maybe he couldn't, you know, focus it into set-up punchline kind of...

00:57:16.000 Maybe.

00:57:17.000 I don't know what it was.

00:57:17.000 Or bits.

00:57:18.000 He turned a fucking corner, man. 0.99

00:57:20.000 And I don't remember when it was, but I remember it was... 0.99

00:57:24.000 It was actually, I don't know, maybe three, four years in.

00:57:29.000 I don't know what it was.

00:57:31.000 Three, four years into knowing him. 0.99

00:57:32.000 He turned this fucking corner and just started destroying Or maybe he just became more himself? 0.99

00:57:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:57:39.000 Oh, he definitely did.

00:57:40.000 He just learned to be relaxed on stage. 1.00

00:57:43.000 I asked him what happened, and he was like, I just stopped giving a fuck. 1.00

00:57:46.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:57:47.000 He said, I stopped giving a fuck. 0.99

00:57:48.000 Yeah, not trying helps a lot. 1.00

00:57:50.000 Too many people telling him what to do, and he was like, fuck you, I want to do it my way. 0.99

00:57:54.000 And when he did that, boom, he was awesome. 0.99

00:57:56.000 But when he was trying to make everybody happy, he just couldn't...

00:58:01.000 He couldn't really be himself, you know? 0.99

00:58:03.000 Himself is the I don't give a fuck guy that tells the funny stories in the back of the comedy store. 0.98

00:58:08.000 And that's the guy that we all knew and loved. 0.99

00:58:10.000 But then on stage he figured out how to do it.

00:58:12.000 And that was, you know, that's the most dramatic out of my life of seeing someone go from not being good to being really good.

00:58:19.000 Joey's the most dramatic.

00:58:20.000 Oh, I got my most dramatic one.

00:58:23.000 Who?

00:58:23.000 It was Doug Stanhope.

00:58:25.000 Doug Stand-Up wasn't good in the beginning?

00:58:27.000 Well, you know, he was...

00:58:28.000 I don't know how raw he was when I saw him, but he was...

00:58:32.000 What year was this?

00:58:33.000 Oh, man.

00:58:34.000 A long time ago.

00:58:36.000 It was back when Steve Scharippa was still physically there at the Riviera Comedy Club.

00:58:42.000 And it was maybe even still an improv at that point.

00:58:46.000 And I was one of two feature acts with this other guy named Tom Martin, who now he writes on Simpsons and stuff.

00:58:53.000 And the headliner was Hugh Fink.

00:58:55.000 And Doug Stanhope was the host, you know, the MC for like one of those crazy weeks where you do two shows a night for seven nights and crowds were starting to get smaller than, you know, like the kind of the Vegas comedy boom was starting to fade a little bit.

00:59:13.000 And Sharipa would just yell at him every night.

00:59:16.000 He was like that week's punching bag.

00:59:19.000 What was Sharipa yelling at him about?

00:59:21.000 It was just being late, bringing a girl into the showroom without asking ahead of time.

00:59:28.000 It happened to me a few times.

00:59:30.000 He just sort of picks one person to pick on, to kind of establish to the group that you can't get away with anything.

00:59:38.000 But Doug, like, super good kid, you know, nice guy.

00:59:43.000 I was a few years older than him and, you know, thought I really had it under control.

00:59:46.000 And the three of us, we just all, that were working with him, we just all sort of thought, oh, you know, we'll see what happens with him because his act was just like...

00:59:54.000 It's just like anybody.

00:59:56.000 It's like just somebody trying to do a stand-up act and not...

00:59:59.000 I think Stanhope really turned a corner when he just started talking about his own experiences instead of trying to say, do you ever notice?

01:00:06.000 He's not an observational comic.

01:00:08.000 I mean, there's observations within what he's talking about because his stories are so interesting and he's such a funny guy.

01:00:14.000 Well, when you're young, it's like, what do you have to really talk about?

01:00:17.000 Well, that's the other thing.

01:00:18.000 I've always said that.

01:00:19.000 I remember he had this one bit where he would talk about...

01:00:22.000 He would talk about...

01:00:24.000 He would describe how nasty an egg roll is and how much he doesn't like egg rolls.

01:00:31.000 And it's like, as an audience member, maybe 50-70% of the audience loves egg rolls.

01:00:37.000 So then it was just kind of like, you just kind of sit there going, well, he's got to figure out...

01:00:42.000 He's either got to have more of a personal take on why they're bad to convince us, or he's got to drop that because...

01:00:50.000 Egg rolls are awesome.

01:00:51.000 They're delicious.

01:00:52.000 He was like, they're filled with mulch!

01:00:55.000 I remember that was one of his punchlines was just the word mulch.

01:00:59.000 You know how the weirdest things stick out when you work with somebody for a week.

01:01:03.000 There's some sentence or thing that they talked about that you remember.

01:01:06.000 I always remember that, but I've known him ever since then.

01:01:11.000 He just kept plowing away and became...

01:01:16.000 Such a powerful, funny comic.

01:01:19.000 Became himself.

01:01:20.000 Found himself, then became himself.

01:01:22.000 Yeah, totally.

01:01:23.000 And kind of had sort of a hook of being the guy that's going to talk about some pretty horrifying things.

01:01:29.000 But Doug Stanhope is the real deal.

01:01:31.000 He's legit.

01:01:32.000 Doug Stanhope really is that guy.

01:01:34.000 He really does live in a crazy house.

01:01:36.000 It's painted weird colors. 1.00

01:01:37.000 His girlfriend really is crazy. 1.00

01:01:39.000 Remember his American flag house? 1.00

01:01:40.000 She really is on all sorts of fucking crazy pills. 0.99

01:01:42.000 He's awesome. 0.99

01:01:43.000 Remember his American flag house?

01:01:44.000 Yeah, dude. 0.99

01:01:45.000 Yeah, I was there when he used to have homeless people live on his fucking front lawn. 0.99

01:01:48.000 Where is he? 0.98

01:01:49.000 Like Arizona or Utah or something?

01:01:50.000 He's in...

01:01:51.000 Well, should I even say?

01:01:52.000 I think he says everywhere.

01:01:53.000 Oh, I guess you shouldn't say.

01:01:53.000 He does.

01:01:54.000 He lives in Arizona.

01:01:55.000 But he tours and puts on his own, like he kind of, you know, does it his own way.

01:01:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:01:59.000 He does it all himself.

01:02:00.000 He tours like a rock star.

01:02:01.000 Like he goes town to town. 1.00

01:02:02.000 Doug had a fucking house that was painted like an American flag in Venice. 0.99

01:02:06.000 And we would go party at his house when we were doing the man show. 1.00

01:02:09.000 He rented this house that was literally a fucking American flag. 0.99

01:02:12.000 It was so weird. 1.00

01:02:12.000 And it was right on the street. 1.00

01:02:13.000 And he had this little fenced-in area in the front.

01:02:16.000 He would let homeless people stay there.

01:02:17.000 So he had this homeless couple that was staying there. 1.00

01:02:19.000 And the fucking woman stabbed the man. 1.00

01:02:23.000 And they got a video of her looking at her hands. 1.00

01:02:26.000 Because she had blood on her hands from the guy she stabbed.

01:02:29.000 And she had like an accent.

01:02:31.000 And she was like... 1.00

01:02:32.000 I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. 1.00

01:02:34.000 I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. 1.00

01:02:35.000 She kept saying something, something, I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. 1.00

01:02:38.000 And she was looking at her. 1.00

01:02:39.000 It was dark, dude.

01:02:41.000 This was all on Doug Stanhope's front lawn.

01:02:43.000 That is horrible. 0.98

01:02:44.000 He was so crazy. 0.97

01:02:45.000 I was like, dude, you're hanging out with people who are probably severely imbalanced. 0.96

01:02:50.000 It's not just a matter of them being homeless.

01:02:52.000 A lot of the homeless people that you find on the streets are really people that were kicked out of mental institutions or got out of mental institutions and didn't have anybody to take care of them. 0.73

01:03:02.000 There's a lot of crazy people out there.

01:03:03.000 Or just lost their mind randomly and didn't fit in anymore. 0.81

01:03:06.000 Slowly but surely eroded until that was their reality. 1.00

01:03:09.000 Their reality was they're the rats of society. 0.92

01:03:13.000 That's funny that when I brought Doug up, I totally skipped that whole that you guys did a show together thing. 0.59

01:03:20.000 I knew you knew who he was because he's so funny, but I was talking about it like...

01:03:27.000 Yeah, you know, we both know Doug Stanhope, but you actually really know the guy.

01:03:31.000 Like, I, you know, have just run into him here and there over the years, and we've always been, you know, friendly.

01:03:35.000 And I just recently just told him, when you're in L.A., you know, let me know, because I want him on my podcast.

01:03:42.000 He's been on this, right?

01:03:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:03:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:03:45.000 He's awesome.

01:03:46.000 He's an unusual dude.

01:03:48.000 He's really doing it, too.

01:03:49.000 His episode of the Louis C.K. show was great.

01:03:52.000 So, so good.

01:03:54.000 Yeah.

01:03:55.000 That was weird seeing him like that, wasn't it?

01:03:57.000 Yeah, but also it was an interesting amalgam of what he's really like and then some things that Louis just wrote for him to play that were, I guess, Louis just sort of rounding out the character in a dramatic way.

01:04:14.000 Because I don't know if...

01:04:16.000 I doubt Doug's ever gone to Louis and said, I'm going to kill myself.

01:04:20.000 Right.

01:04:20.000 It's been nice knowing you.

01:04:22.000 Doug's not going to do that, unless that was wrong, and then he would do that.

01:04:26.000 He would totally Hunter S. Thompson himself.

01:04:29.000 Hunter S. Thompson was done, man.

01:04:31.000 He had hip replacement surgery.

01:04:33.000 He was in constant pain.

01:04:34.000 He couldn't walk, couldn't swim. 1.00

01:04:36.000 He was fucked up, man. 1.00

01:04:37.000 He didn't like living life like that. 1.00

01:04:39.000 He was 60-something years old, and he was like, that's it.

01:04:42.000 Boom! 0.99

01:04:43.000 Checkout time.

01:04:45.000 You know?

01:04:45.000 He decided to do it that way.

01:04:47.000 Doug would do that.

01:04:49.000 You think?

01:04:50.000 Yeah.

01:04:51.000 Yeah, he would do that.

01:04:52.000 You guys want to take bets?

01:04:53.000 Yeah.

01:04:54.000 You can call him and make sure he's okay.

01:04:56.000 Well, you know, what's the alternative?

01:04:59.000 Let it slowly run out of batteries?

01:05:02.000 Die in the corner?

01:05:03.000 I don't know, man.

01:05:04.000 Exactly.

01:05:05.000 That's the alternative.

01:05:08.000 How's that vaporizer coming?

01:05:09.000 It's probably heated up by now.

01:05:11.000 Well, it still says red on it.

01:05:13.000 I think that's not a special effect to me.

01:05:15.000 How long do you think we've been talking?

01:05:17.000 20 minutes?

01:05:18.000 An hour and five minutes.

01:05:20.000 No way.

01:05:20.000 I bet you we have.

01:05:21.000 That's ridiculous. 0.74

01:05:22.000 This podcast is too easy. 0.97

01:05:25.000 Doug, you're...

01:05:26.000 It's so much...

01:05:26.000 Podcasting is so much fun.

01:05:27.000 It's so much fun.

01:05:28.000 It's the most fun thing we've ever done, you know, as far as, like, the most honest connection with people, you know, and...

01:05:34.000 Oh, yeah, you just sit there and talk.

01:05:36.000 Yeah, and for people, like, that are, like, working right now, you know, dude, I think it's the coolest thing ever.

01:05:42.000 I'm so happy that we can do something like this.

01:05:44.000 You know, entertainers want to entertain.

01:05:46.000 I mean, comics want to be funny.

01:05:48.000 People want to talk.

01:05:50.000 We love doing it.

01:05:51.000 So the fact that it's such an honest relationship.

01:05:54.000 We love doing it.

01:05:55.000 We put it out there.

01:05:56.000 It's free.

01:05:56.000 Boom, people enjoy it.

01:05:58.000 It's such a great relationship.

01:06:00.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:06:01.000 You're creating friends all over the place.

01:06:03.000 That's what you're doing.

01:06:04.000 And that's the people that come out to see you at the comedy clubs.

01:06:08.000 We have shared friends now.

01:06:10.000 Yeah, totally.

01:06:11.000 Just this last weekend, it was funny because I was in Arizona in Flagstaff and then Phoenix, and I didn't know I was going to be doing the show this week.

01:06:20.000 I thought, oh, I'll be on again at some point.

01:06:23.000 I figured I'd be back here on the show, but I didn't know...

01:06:27.000 You called me yesterday or the day before, and we set this up.

01:06:31.000 So last weekend, over the course of a couple of shows, there's probably about a good 10, 15 people who said to me, go on Joe's show again, or I want to hear you on Joe's show again.

01:06:43.000 And I was just like, yeah, don't worry about it.

01:06:44.000 It'll happen. 1.00

01:06:45.000 And like, they're probably right now being like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:06:48.000 That asshole didn't say he was gonna be on a couple days later. 1.00

01:06:52.000 Yeah, we don't really schedule this thing in advance, folks. 1.00

01:06:54.000 We keep this bitch as organic as possible. 1.00

01:06:57.000 Yeah, but also you're dealing with the schedules of, you know, you mostly have your comedian friends who, you know, they're all in and out of town and have shit to do and Well, that's what the coolest thing about it is that, you know, most of us are around, if we're around, we're around, like, the days we do the podcast, like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. 0.96

01:07:13.000 And now it really has an impact on guys' gigs, too.

01:07:17.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:17.000 Especially Duncan.

01:07:18.000 Duncan's getting, like, some fucking sweet gigs. 0.99

01:07:20.000 He's getting in packing places, man. 0.98

01:07:22.000 Duncan sold out his first show ever in Seattle, and he was, like, tripping out. 0.99

01:07:26.000 He was, like, what the fuck, man? 0.99

01:07:28.000 I can't believe it! 1.00

01:07:28.000 He goes, I got bonuses, man! 1.00

01:07:30.000 Yeah.

01:07:31.000 That's awesome.

01:07:32.000 He brought back Little Hobo, you know that puppet thing that he does?

01:07:35.000 Little Hobo? 0.84

01:07:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:07:36.000 Oh, Little Hobo is one of my favorite bits ever.

01:07:39.000 I love the new Hobo.

01:07:40.000 The doll itself, you mean?

01:07:41.000 Yeah, it's awesome.

01:07:42.000 Little Hobo is one of my all-time favorite bits.

01:07:45.000 And people either get it or they don't get it.

01:07:47.000 But either way, it's fun for me.

01:07:49.000 I love it.

01:07:50.000 Even if they don't get uncomfortable.

01:07:51.000 People get angry at comedy, it's so funny.

01:07:53.000 Well, if they get uncomfortable, sometimes it's even more fun. 0.99

01:07:57.000 Duncan says some dark shit in that bit. 0.99

01:08:01.000 I don't want to kill any of his punchlines. 0.99

01:08:03.000 Yeah, don't do that.

01:08:05.000 There's a lot of people that hear that and go, what?

01:08:08.000 He had a bunch of people walk out on him in Atlanta, Georgia.

01:08:11.000 Are you serious?

01:08:11.000 Yeah, this Christian couple got up and left.

01:08:14.000 He was talking about Jesus on stage.

01:08:17.000 Oh, lordy.

01:08:20.000 Hey man, people have their beliefs. 0.99

01:08:22.000 They don't want you fucking with their beliefs. 0.99

01:08:23.000 They didn't come to a comedy show to get changed, goddammit. 1.00

01:08:25.000 They came to a comedy show to laugh.

01:08:28.000 You can't make everybody laugh.

01:08:30.000 You're no good, Mr. Comedian.

01:08:32.000 Did you ever have family reunions growing up?

01:08:34.000 Where you met at a park with other parts of families that you didn't know you were connected to at all?

01:08:40.000 There was these like, wait, that's your second cousin to the left? 1.00

01:08:43.000 And you're like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:08:45.000 I'm related to that person? 0.99

01:08:46.000 Yeah, now that you recall, yeah, in New Jersey, I guess, when I was really young, we did have a few of those.

01:08:50.000 I was really young, though.

01:08:52.000 This was before I was six, so I barely remember it.

01:08:54.000 Like, you said it, and it makes me, like, have little flashes that might not even be real, you know?

01:08:59.000 They were put in there.

01:09:00.000 Yeah.

01:09:01.000 I talk about this on stage before, but it is true.

01:09:03.000 I remember one vivid moment when I was young, because everybody was mad at me, because I hit my cousin with a bag of cookies.

01:09:12.000 And everybody was mad because the cookies went flying.

01:09:14.000 And I remember looking at the cookies in the dirt. 1.00

01:09:16.000 I'm like, shit. 1.00

01:09:17.000 I fucked up. 1.00

01:09:18.000 But I was like four. 0.99

01:09:19.000 And people were angry at me.

01:09:21.000 And I remember that.

01:09:22.000 It's amazing that there could be even a semi-vivid memory.

01:09:27.000 I mean, when you say, like, I have a vivid memory of it, what is it?

01:09:30.000 Really?

01:09:30.000 I mean, how much are you extrapolating?

01:09:32.000 How much are you exaggerating?

01:09:34.000 How vivid is it really?

01:09:36.000 Well, it was big enough in the first place to some form of it has stayed in your mind.

01:09:40.000 Something, yeah.

01:09:41.000 Like, because that's the thing that's crazy to me is, like, whenever somebody remembers a ton of stuff from when they were little, I'm always kind of...

01:09:48.000 I'm baffled by that.

01:09:49.000 I think it's almost like they're just sort of taking what they kind of remember and then just going ahead and filling out the story.

01:09:55.000 Exactly.

01:09:56.000 I think that is a lot of what happens. 0.99

01:09:58.000 I don't think our memory is that fucking good. 0.96

01:09:59.000 And I think they don't understand really where memory is stored. 0.98

01:10:04.000 The issue with memory and the brain is that they believe that every seven years, virtually every cell in the body is regenerated and reborn anew.

01:10:15.000 So there's a new version.

01:10:16.000 In seven years, every cell is different than the seven years before, except the neurons.

01:10:22.000 And so they don't know if the memory is stored somehow in the neurons or if it's just sort of handed down like files.

01:10:29.000 Like every seven years you get a new administration comes in and goes, look, this is the past. 0.99

01:10:34.000 This is the uncle that fucked them. 0.99

01:10:35.000 This is the thing that happened in second grade. 1.00

01:10:38.000 This is the car accident.

01:10:39.000 All this is you got to remember this.

01:10:41.000 You got it?

01:10:42.000 And then they take it and seven years later when they die out...

01:10:46.000 Yeah, that's why you have pockets of things you don't remember or things you remembered at one point and don't remember anymore.

01:10:51.000 Dude, whole episodes of my life I don't remember.

01:10:55.000 I watched an old Fear Factory run.

01:10:57.000 I had no recollection of any of it.

01:11:00.000 And it was only 10 years ago.

01:11:02.000 And I'm watching.

01:11:03.000 I don't remember this.

01:11:03.000 I don't remember this happening.

01:11:04.000 I don't remember this.

01:11:05.000 This is weird.

01:11:06.000 I have the two earliest memories I have.

01:11:09.000 One is breaking a pickle jar at a grocery store, like one of those huge ones.

01:11:13.000 And I just remember it being scary.

01:11:14.000 I remember like doing it and stuff like that and falling in.

01:11:17.000 I think it was like two or three when it happened.

01:11:19.000 And the other one is getting attacked by a bunch of chickens at this farm and I got pecked.

01:11:22.000 I think I've said that before where I got pecked and I have a scar in between my nose because I was near a chicken nest.

01:11:27.000 If that was me, I would be eating chicken every day. 1.00

01:11:30.000 I'd be going to Kentucky Fried Chicken every fucking day with one hand on my dick. 1.00

01:11:35.000 Right. 1.00

01:11:35.000 But both of those memories, I remember. 1.00

01:11:37.000 Like, I remember that happening.

01:11:39.000 I remember the pickle jar.

01:11:40.000 I remember being attacked by chickens.

01:11:41.000 But I don't remember it in first person.

01:11:44.000 I remember it kind of being above and looking down at myself.

01:11:47.000 Wow, man.

01:11:48.000 Well, that's the files.

01:11:48.000 You got handed down the third-person view.

01:11:51.000 But also, were those both stories that the family liked to tell?

01:11:56.000 Like, remember when you broke that huge pickle jar?

01:11:58.000 Not really.

01:11:59.000 Like, every time I bring it up to my mom...

01:12:01.000 She has no idea.

01:12:02.000 She has no idea.

01:12:03.000 I have to, like, remember her.

01:12:04.000 Yeah, because that wasn't an important file for her when she was...

01:12:07.000 She didn't need to remember that. 0.98

01:12:09.000 Yeah, that's brutal when your parents don't remember important shit that happened to you. 0.99

01:12:13.000 That's a big thing. 0.99

01:12:14.000 Breaking a pickle jar?

01:12:15.000 Come on.

01:12:16.000 Poor little Brian could have been dead.

01:12:17.000 Could have fell on the sharpest point of that glass.

01:12:20.000 And it could have been over.

01:12:21.000 Yeah.

01:12:22.000 You could have died, right? 0.98

01:12:24.000 If it cut me a night. 0.90

01:12:25.000 I almost fell off a cliff. 0.97

01:12:26.000 Balls.

01:12:27.000 I almost fell off a cliff in San Francisco.

01:12:29.000 I was like eight years old.

01:12:30.000 Are you serious?

01:12:31.000 Yeah.

01:12:31.000 And my father grabbed me at the very last second.

01:12:34.000 He's your angel.

01:12:35.000 Yep.

01:12:36.000 Yeah.

01:12:37.000 There's some cliffs near San Francisco.

01:12:39.000 There's some little areas where you walk down near the beach that are really kind of sketchy. 0.99

01:12:43.000 There's some areas where you could fall down and really fuck yourself up, man. 1.00

01:12:47.000 You could die. 1.00

01:12:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:12:49.000 That whole Pacific Coast Highway is so immensely fucking beautiful, but so scary. 0.68

01:12:56.000 You ever drive the PCH down to San Francisco? 0.90

01:12:59.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:13:00.000 Is that wild? 0.99

01:13:01.000 Doesn't that make your balls just tingle? 0.99

01:13:03.000 They're crackling. 0.98

01:13:05.000 What is that stuff?

01:13:07.000 The snap pop rocks?

01:13:08.000 Remember pop rocks?

01:13:09.000 Yeah.

01:13:09.000 Remember that would do to your mouth?

01:13:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:12.000 That's what it makes your balls feel like when you're going around that whole Pacific Coast Highway looking at that fucking cliff, that fucking drop that's right there! 1.00

01:13:21.000 It's right there and it's forever and the ground moves around this bitch all the time. 1.00

01:13:26.000 It's like you're essentially playing a game of musical chairs. 0.97

01:13:30.000 You're just hoping you can get from this point to that point where the really thin fucking outcropping that your little metal box is driving around with nothing to stop you from just driving right the fuck off the thing into the ground and the rocks and the ocean. 0.75

01:13:45.000 You ever drive it in a storm? 0.97

01:13:46.000 Oh my god, you did?

01:13:48.000 Yeah, I've had situations where it's like the waves are crashing up on it.

01:13:53.000 I was stone cold sober.

01:13:56.000 It was a sunny day. 0.97

01:13:58.000 I was wide awake and I was still shitting my pants.

01:14:01.000 I was like, this is a crazy drive, man.

01:14:04.000 It's weird to look at. 0.98

01:14:07.000 It's just a mindfuck. 0.99

01:14:08.000 It's a mindfuck. 1.00

01:14:09.000 It's just a little... 1.00

01:14:10.000 You wanna die? 0.99

01:14:12.000 You know? 1.00

01:14:13.000 Or someone's coming at you. 1.00

01:14:14.000 You're trusting this other asshole that you don't even know to not be texting right now, to not be fingering himself. 1.00

01:14:20.000 You know? 1.00

01:14:21.000 Drunk.

01:14:21.000 Yeah, drunk.

01:14:22.000 Vodka tampons with pop rocks up your ass. 1.00

01:14:24.000 Falling asleep. 1.00

01:14:25.000 Yes.

01:14:25.000 All of those at once.

01:14:26.000 All of those at once.

01:14:28.000 Everything. 0.93

01:14:29.000 A tsunami of bad luck coming your way, and you're in the left-hand lane, and you get bumped off into the fucking great blue yonder of the ocean floor. 1.00

01:14:38.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:14:40.000 That's a crazy way to drive. 1.00

01:14:42.000 I like to have less worry about death in my drives.

01:14:46.000 Driving's always scary to me. 0.93

01:14:47.000 I mean, just today I was driving and there was fucking like a sandbag truck overturned or something like that.

01:14:52.000 And there were just sandbags everywhere on the highway out of nowhere. 0.89

01:14:55.000 Like you're just driving all these sandbags everywhere. 0.99

01:14:57.000 Dude, I hit a fucking, one of those railroad ties, those iron things. 0.99

01:15:03.000 What are those? 1.00

01:15:03.000 The tracks, not a tie, a track. 1.00

01:15:05.000 A section of track someone had dropped on the fucking highway. 0.99

01:15:08.000 Jesus. 0.99

01:15:09.000 I was driving, and I saw it last minute. 1.00

01:15:12.000 I saw this thing, and I was like, oh, fuck! 0.99

01:15:16.000 Like, I remember gripping with both hands. 0.99

01:15:18.000 There's no way I could turn.

01:15:19.000 If I tried to turn, I would have flipped the car.

01:15:21.000 You know, it was just too close.

01:15:23.000 And I hit it, and the car launched into the air.

01:15:26.000 The car went, ba-ba! 0.59

01:15:28.000 Boom! 0.99

01:15:29.000 And blew the fucking tires right off the rims. 0.99

01:15:32.000 I think at least one of them literally was shredded. 0.99

01:15:36.000 And I drove on rims to the next exit and got out and just called the tow truck and had it dealt with.

01:15:44.000 But it was a spooky moment, man. 0.99

01:15:46.000 I hit that fucking thing. 0.99

01:15:47.000 I saw it last minute. 1.00

01:15:49.000 I'm like, oh fuck, that's metal! 0.99

01:15:50.000 You know, it's like that thing. 0.99

01:15:51.000 Jesus! 1.00

01:15:53.000 That sucks. 1.00

01:15:54.000 Ba-bang! 1.00

01:15:56.000 Fucking, oh my god. 1.00

01:15:58.000 I'm lucky it didn't. 0.99

01:16:00.000 You know, sometimes when you drive over something, too, you can rip out the bottom of your car.

01:16:06.000 It could come up and it could go into the bottom of your car.

01:16:09.000 You can drop a tranny real easy. 1.00

01:16:11.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:16:12.000 I always wanted to say that in adult life. 1.00

01:16:14.000 He dropped his tranny. 0.99

01:16:16.000 In high school, guys would blow their fucking transmission apart doing donuts. 1.00

01:16:21.000 It was a common thing. 1.00

01:16:22.000 Guys would fuck up their trannies. 0.99

01:16:24.000 We'd hear them driving the next day and hear the transmission. 0.99

01:16:29.000 Because guys were doing smoke shows.

01:16:31.000 In San Diego, when I was in high school, there was this street where it was kind of like a San Francisco-style street where it went pretty steep and then straight for just a bit and then steep again.

01:16:42.000 and you could get air if you wanted to going down it.

01:16:49.000 And so we would intentionally drive fast enough to get the car up into the air, and it's the dumbest thing you could do. 0.95

01:16:54.000 Most people don't know.

01:16:55.000 But we all got away with it because everyone just did it a few times.

01:16:59.000 It's the Dukes of Hazzard.

01:17:00.000 You didn't keep trying it. 0.98

01:17:01.000 Did you ever fuck your car up? 0.92

01:17:02.000 Did you ever break anything? 0.97

01:17:03.000 No.

01:17:03.000 One time on another hill driving with some friends, as a joke, or not as a joke, for whatever reason I was trying to throw the car into neutral, and I threw it into reverse while going quickly downhill.

01:17:17.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

01:17:18.000 And the fucking noise that that made was insane. 1.00

01:17:20.000 Oh my god. 0.99

01:17:20.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:17:21.000 And I immediately had to just pull the car over and get it towed and get it fixed.

01:17:26.000 You just exploded your transmission.

01:17:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:17:28.000 Just really...

01:17:29.000 They shouldn't be able to go there.

01:17:30.000 It shouldn't be able to go into reverse.

01:17:32.000 I know, right?

01:17:33.000 You shouldn't be able to do that, but it was like an old...

01:17:35.000 It was like an AMC Hornet.

01:17:36.000 Oh. 0.99

01:17:37.000 And it was a pretty dumb car. 0.99

01:17:40.000 Yeah, why are you going in a forward direction? 0.99

01:17:42.000 Isn't there a way to engineer some sort of a way that that doesn't just...

01:17:44.000 I think you can't anymore.

01:17:45.000 I don't think you...

01:17:46.000 The new cars can't?

01:17:47.000 Yeah, you have to kind of...

01:17:49.000 You move it to the side, you know, it's almost like a stick shift where you have to kind of...

01:17:53.000 It's like a medicine bottle.

01:17:54.000 ...work it into each level or whatever.

01:17:56.000 But, you know, I was a kid, you know, teenager. 0.99

01:17:59.000 You were a silly little goose. 1.00

01:18:01.000 Goofing around. 1.00

01:18:01.000 Oh, I did so much silly shit when I was a kid. 1.00

01:18:03.000 It's amazing that kids should be allowed to drive cars. 1.00

01:18:05.000 Oh, so now when I'm driving around, whenever I get cut off by somebody that looks like they're 15, 16, I'm just like, they're such assholes. 0.99

01:18:12.000 Also, when I was that age, I was an asshole driver, but all I had was maybe an occasional fast food from the drive-in. 0.99

01:18:20.000 I didn't have texting. 0.99

01:18:22.000 I didn't have headphones on.

01:18:27.000 All the distractions of today.

01:18:30.000 I can't believe that there's anywhere in a car that has a TV. It's not like a limo that's being driven by a professional.

01:18:40.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:18:40.000 Just even if you have your kids in the backseat watching some shit on TV, wouldn't that be an extra distraction that... 0.99

01:18:47.000 No, it's the opposite. 0.99

01:18:48.000 It could be dangerous or you just like how focused it makes the kids.

01:18:51.000 The kids zone out.

01:18:52.000 The kids are done.

01:18:53.000 But you definitely don't need a TV up above the rearview mirror. 1.00

01:18:57.000 No, that's stupid. 1.00

01:18:58.000 Those are ridiculous. 1.00

01:18:59.000 You can't see. 0.99

01:19:00.000 That's how it is.

01:19:01.000 I rented a car.

01:19:02.000 I rented a...

01:19:04.000 Was it Escalator or Navigator?

01:19:06.000 And that's what the TV was.

01:19:08.000 The TV would come down in the center and it would block the view.

01:19:11.000 You couldn't see.

01:19:12.000 You look over your rear view.

01:19:14.000 You're like in a U-Haul.

01:19:15.000 Do they say only to watch it when you're not in motion?

01:19:17.000 No, you're supposed to watch it in motion because that's when it tunes them out.

01:19:21.000 But the better ones are on the headsets.

01:19:23.000 And now they have them on the headsets where each one is watching a different thing.

01:19:28.000 So they can watch different things.

01:19:29.000 And they have headphones?

01:19:29.000 They have headphones.

01:19:30.000 Yeah, dude. 1.00

01:19:31.000 When you have, let me tell you something, you have a three and a half year old, that's the perfect shit. 1.00

01:19:35.000 They just zonk out. 1.00

01:19:36.000 No more questions. 1.00

01:19:37.000 It's just they watch Dora the Explorer and they have a good old fucking time. 0.99

01:19:41.000 So they don't even mind driving. 0.98

01:19:43.000 They don't mind driving because driving for them is like going to the movies.

01:19:46.000 They have cool little DVDs they watch, and they have a good time.

01:19:50.000 And the DVDs, you can get little educational ones.

01:19:53.000 So it's actually good for them.

01:19:55.000 I love it. 0.99

01:19:57.000 There's like, your kid can read and shit. 0.99

01:20:00.000 Kids are going to be way smarter today than we were. 1.00

01:20:02.000 We didn't get access to anything until we were fucking... 0.99

01:20:05.000 It's going to be cool in the future. 0.96

01:20:06.000 I bet the babies are going to be so smart at such a young age that they're going to be able to drive cars for you.

01:20:11.000 So they're going to be, as a kid, being able to just sit there.

01:20:13.000 Brian, your baby's never going to be able to drive for you.

01:20:16.000 That was a classic Brian misfiring of the mind.

01:20:20.000 Well, you didn't think about that at all.

01:20:22.000 I'm pretty sure babies out of the womb are just going to drive. 1.00

01:20:25.000 You never know.

01:20:26.000 They're going to drive everyone around. 0.96

01:20:27.000 Driving is going to be so easy because it's all going to have magnets around your whole car that they just have to push one button for like on or something. 1.00

01:20:33.000 Brian, you're such a silly man. 1.00

01:20:35.000 You're such a silly man. 1.00

01:20:37.000 Why do you want more babies? 1.00

01:20:38.000 I need more drivers.

01:20:40.000 I need more people driving me around that I don't have to teach anything to. 0.99

01:20:44.000 And no one would want to have sex with the Asians. 1.00

01:20:47.000 It would just be a matter of you need life experience, but you have full intelligence right away. 0.99

01:20:51.000 You just need life experience.

01:20:53.000 So we make you work as a driver for the first couple years of the womb. 1.00

01:20:57.000 People are going to be dumber smarter. 0.98

01:21:00.000 In some areas, they're going to be dumber because some things are going to become obsolete. 0.99

01:21:04.000 You're not going to ever need to know a phone number. 0.96

01:21:07.000 Math, maybe, but hopefully people are still in math.

01:21:10.000 That is adaptation, right?

01:21:11.000 I mean, that's what's going on.

01:21:12.000 We're adapting to this new environment.

01:21:14.000 We're adapting to these new needs.

01:21:16.000 You know, it's unquestionably something is happening.

01:21:20.000 And that something is that we're getting into a symbiotic relationship with technology.

01:21:25.000 But can you imagine how much space in your brain...

01:21:28.000 Is available that would 15, 20 years ago be full of phone numbers?

01:21:33.000 That you don't need to remember anymore?

01:21:35.000 But don't you remember a lot of different things now?

01:21:37.000 Don't you think that you have a lot of information that you get through the internet that you probably would never get before?

01:21:43.000 You know, a lot of people, it was difficult for them to be stimulated in the days before the internet.

01:21:47.000 But today, there's not a time in the world where I'm in an airport that has Wi-Fi where I'm bored.

01:21:53.000 Yeah, but you know, I love airport Wi-Fi.

01:21:55.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:21:55.000 You can really just sit there and...

01:21:56.000 You can either goof around or get stuff done, but either way, you're killing the time so much better.

01:22:02.000 Yeah, you're enjoying yourself.

01:22:05.000 You're actually having a good time.

01:22:06.000 You're getting entertained.

01:22:07.000 But you are also using it different than some people use the internet.

01:22:11.000 A lot of people just go on there, play cards, and talk about video games.

01:22:15.000 But even then, say if you have an hour to kill and you're at the airport, you log on to your favorite video game forum and you find out what the hell's going on.

01:22:23.000 It's entertaining.

01:22:23.000 And then boom, your time's gone.

01:22:25.000 You listen to podcasts.

01:22:26.000 Hey, come on! 1.00

01:22:28.000 It's a very interesting progression to try to look ahead to. 0.98

01:22:36.000 It's like, where the fuck is this going to go next?

01:22:39.000 What is the next symbiotic relationship between human beings and technology? 1.00

01:22:43.000 Because the cell phone is pretty much a part of your fucking body. 0.99

01:22:46.000 So what's next? 1.00

01:22:47.000 Fake people having sex robots. 0.99

01:22:50.000 Actual fake people. 0.97

01:22:51.000 Fleshlights that have emotions. 1.00

01:22:54.000 It's a fucking singularity, man. 0.99

01:22:55.000 But what's the emotions? 1.00

01:22:56.000 No, you can turn it off. 0.88

01:22:57.000 The emotions would get people dick-hard. 0.96

01:23:00.000 I do like porn where everybody seems to be having fun more than porn where people seem to be, you know... 0.99

01:23:06.000 I just watched a horrible porn the other day that was just rape porn. 1.00

01:23:09.000 Some people like watching porn where people fight and then they fuck. 1.00

01:23:13.000 And then when they fuck, they get back at each other and then resolve their issues through fucking. 1.00

01:23:19.000 People like those, they like videos like that. 0.99

01:23:21.000 People are actually angry at each other because that's when they have their best sex. 0.99

01:23:25.000 A lot of people have the best sex they ever have is makeup sex. 0.99

01:23:28.000 There's girls that will like, I firmly believe, they have learned to start fights so that the man will step in, argue with them for a little bit, then they resolve everything, they make up, they say they love you, and then they fuck and they love it. 1.00

01:23:41.000 And they have like super extra charged fucking. 0.98

01:23:43.000 So I think they start problems, and men and women, I'm sure. 0.99

01:23:46.000 Because they like a story.

01:23:48.000 That's why women can read pornographic things and men need to see them. 1.00

01:23:52.000 Exactly.

01:23:52.000 Women like the story.

01:23:54.000 Women like what leads up to having, you know, that's why the foreplay is so important. 1.00

01:23:58.000 They like drama.

01:23:59.000 Yeah.

01:24:00.000 Crazy freaks. 0.92

01:24:00.000 They like it to have a beginning, middle, and an end, and then the end has to go on for longer than we want it to. 0.92

01:24:05.000 Have you ever thought what it would be like to be a woman for a day?

01:24:09.000 Of course.

01:24:10.000 I'm just kidding.

01:24:12.000 Right.

01:24:13.000 As soon as he hears that microwave with the cantaloupe ding, Brian's life would be not much different. 0.99

01:24:19.000 He would just be a lesbian. 0.99

01:24:22.000 No, I've said this before. 0.99

01:24:23.000 When I was younger, I would look at my boobs and act like they were real boobs and then just try to kiss them. 0.88

01:24:28.000 But that's about as close as to being like... 0.94

01:24:31.000 But that's the question, though. 1.00

01:24:33.000 Are you a girl for a day who wants cock? 1.00

01:24:36.000 Yeah, you've got to go for the whole experience. 1.00

01:24:38.000 You should get fucked, too. 1.00

01:24:40.000 I wouldn't want that at all. 1.00

01:24:41.000 It'd probably be interesting to feel what it would feel like to get fucked, but I couldn't stop thinking about how there's a dick in me. 1.00

01:24:49.000 Yeah, and in your mouth, too. 1.00

01:24:51.000 Because you're going to have to suck it, too. 1.00

01:24:52.000 No, thank you. 1.00

01:24:52.000 No, thanks. 1.00

01:24:54.000 Imagine feeling what a period would be like. 0.94

01:24:57.000 When I'm a girl for a day, I'm going to convert to being, don't they say, Jewish girls don't like to blow hands? 0.99

01:25:02.000 No, Jewish girls love to do it. 1.00

01:25:04.000 That's crazy. 0.97

01:25:04.000 Oh, okay. 0.97

01:25:05.000 They say they don't like to.

01:25:06.000 That's nonsense.

01:25:07.000 And then I'll love it.

01:25:09.000 Oh, God. 0.59

01:25:13.000 Wait, isn't there some sort of girls that don't like to blow dudes? 1.00

01:25:16.000 Or is that just girls in general? 1.00

01:25:18.000 I don't know.

01:25:18.000 There's always going to be dudes complaining.

01:25:20.000 Because that's what's fun about porn, that you can't often get a girl that you're just hooking up with or whatever. 0.99

01:25:26.000 In porn, they often act like it's the most delicious thing you could have, sucking a cock. 0.99

01:25:31.000 And most girls are just sort of like, just doing what they've got to do to get it over with. 1.00

01:25:36.000 Some girls know. 1.00

01:25:36.000 Some girls love dick. 1.00

01:25:38.000 You've got to find them. 1.00

01:25:40.000 You know, it's kind of gross if a girl's sucking your cock and she doesn't want to. 1.00

01:25:44.000 Well, I'm not saying doesn't want to. 0.99

01:25:47.000 Like, wants to please you, but also doesn't think this is the most delicious thing she's ever had in her mouth. 1.00

01:25:51.000 But don't you like eating pussy? 1.00

01:25:52.000 Don't you like eating pussy? 1.00

01:25:53.000 I do. 1.00

01:25:53.000 I love it. 1.00

01:25:54.000 But I think I love the pleasing the person or maybe a little sense of control is the most important part.

01:26:02.000 Sense of control.

01:26:04.000 Than how it tastes and looks and feels.

01:26:07.000 Those are all good too, but I think that it's more like it's just fun because that's a great way to please a woman. 0.99

01:26:15.000 Doug Benson putting it out there, bitches. 1.00

01:26:18.000 He'll eat your ass. 1.00

01:26:20.000 Doug Benson will eat your ass. 1.00

01:26:23.000 You will. 1.00

01:26:24.000 How often do you eat ass? 1.00

01:26:26.000 Oh, you know. 1.00

01:26:27.000 Whenever it's there, whenever the mood is right.

01:26:29.000 Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

01:26:31.000 Whenever the time is right.

01:26:32.000 Maybe some brunch, maybe some happy hour. 0.99

01:26:34.000 Yeah, maybe some after-dinner ass-eating. 1.00

01:26:37.000 What does that mean, eating ass? 1.00

01:26:39.000 Licking a girl's asshole. 1.00

01:26:40.000 Yeah, I don't really... 1.00

01:26:41.000 You don't like that?

01:26:43.000 I love when people, when you talk about something, they go, yeah, and then they say, no.

01:26:47.000 No, no.

01:26:48.000 Yeah, I don't do that.

01:26:49.000 Oh, dude, it's awesome.

01:26:51.000 Frenching it?

01:26:51.000 No, but that's an immediate reaction.

01:26:53.000 You know, when someone says, yeah, I don't think so.

01:26:56.000 That's what that Sandusky guy should have said when they asked him, are you attracted to young boys?

01:27:01.000 Yeah, I don't think so. 1.00

01:27:02.000 No, instead he's like, ask me again if I eat a lot of ass. 1.00

01:27:05.000 Do you eat a lot of ass? 1.00

01:27:07.000 Do I eat a lot of ass? 1.00

01:27:11.000 No, I don't eat a lot of ass. 1.00

01:27:14.000 That is the world's biggest ass eater. 1.00

01:27:18.000 That's a world champion ass-eater with stacks of trophies behind him. 1.00

01:27:23.000 I don't eat enough. 0.99

01:27:24.000 There should totally be trophies for the best ass-eating. 1.00

01:27:27.000 That's a goddamn adventure. 0.99

01:27:28.000 You can get trophies for parasailing. 1.00

01:27:30.000 You should get trophies for ass-eating. 0.99

01:27:33.000 Why not? 1.00

01:27:33.000 Ass-eating contests? 1.00

01:27:35.000 If the world were free and we weren't so worried about things, pornography could be judged on the merits of technique. 0.99

01:27:43.000 0% toilet paper in the ass is always important. 1.00

01:27:47.000 That's very important. 1.00

01:27:48.000 Toilet paper, when you go down on a grill and you find toilet paper just dangling off her ass, it's so disturbing. 0.99

01:27:53.000 See, that's probably one of the things that keeps me out of that region. 0.99

01:27:58.000 So many ways it could backfire.

01:28:00.000 I stuff it back in so it's not to ruin anything.

01:28:03.000 I don't want her to be upset.

01:28:04.000 When you get a little stubble, it's like essentially, you know, it's like a little bit of sandpaper.

01:28:08.000 You rub some...

01:28:10.000 Toilet paper on some sandpaper, you're going to leave some residue. 1.00

01:28:14.000 Do you like stuff in your ass? 1.00

01:28:16.000 No. 1.00

01:28:17.000 The way you said that... 1.00

01:28:19.000 No, I'm actually very scared of my ass. 0.99

01:28:21.000 The way you said that was like, this is the end of a long conversation. 1.00

01:28:23.000 Do you like stuff in your ass? 1.00

01:28:25.000 I'm very scared of my ass. 1.00

01:28:27.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:28:27.000 As I grew older, it's just... 0.99

01:28:28.000 Well, that's good, I guess, though.

01:28:29.000 In my meat diet.

01:28:30.000 That's good.

01:28:31.000 Your meat diet?

01:28:32.000 Yeah.

01:28:32.000 How often do you eat vegetables?

01:28:33.000 I eat them every day, but that's just...

01:28:36.000 I don't know.

01:28:36.000 Dude, what you should do is what I do.

01:28:38.000 I think I have a sweet allergy.

01:28:39.000 I just need a test.

01:28:40.000 Get on the kale shakes, son.

01:28:41.000 I'm telling you.

01:28:42.000 It's not delicious.

01:28:44.000 It can't be, but I don't mind eating kale so much.

01:28:46.000 I kind of pick that up every once in a while, like the Whole Foods or something.

01:28:49.000 Yeah.

01:28:50.000 Like along with the piece of meat or something.

01:28:52.000 Yeah.

01:28:53.000 It's not bad, but a shake of that? 0.99

01:28:55.000 Kevin James turned me on to this shit, and he started doing it and lost like 80 pounds. 0.99

01:29:00.000 And what he's doing is... 1.00

01:29:01.000 Essentially, it takes cucumbers, kale, celery.

01:29:05.000 This is how I do it.

01:29:05.000 Cucumbers, kale, celery.

01:29:07.000 And I put a chunk of ginger in there, too, and a whole pear.

01:29:10.000 See, I don't do the ginger anymore.

01:29:11.000 It drives me crazy.

01:29:12.000 I think I hate ginger. 1.00

01:29:13.000 I like that. 1.00

01:29:14.000 You should put some ass in there. 1.00

01:29:15.000 Yeah, put a little ass in there, Brian. 1.00

01:29:17.000 I like the sting of ginger. 1.00

01:29:18.000 I like that.

01:29:19.000 It's strong.

01:29:20.000 Yeah, it's very spicy, but I like that.

01:29:22.000 It's good for you.

01:29:23.000 So anyway, I blend it all up in this Vitamix thing.

01:29:27.000 You ever see a Vitamix?

01:29:28.000 It's like a mixer designed to pulverize. 0.96

01:29:31.000 It's not really juicing because it's just chopping the living fuck out of all these vegetables until it's like a soup. 0.83

01:29:38.000 And then you drink this soup and it's not bad. 0.88

01:29:42.000 It doesn't taste bad.

01:29:43.000 It's just sort of a task.

01:29:45.000 And you lose weight because you're just eating pure vegetables and there's nothing bad in it.

01:29:51.000 You feel great.

01:29:51.000 You feel it's a giant serving of vegetables, like much more vegetables probably than you would ever really eat.

01:29:56.000 Oh yeah, I have to force myself to eat most vegetables.

01:29:58.000 You're not going to eat like six giant leaves of kale, ten stalks of celery, a whole cucumber.

01:30:04.000 It's rare that you would eat that many vegetables in one sitting.

01:30:07.000 You could do it, but this is even better because it's completely taking the whole chewing down process out.

01:30:12.000 So you're digesting it, you're swallowing it, and it's like just...

01:30:17.000 Incinerated, just chopped up into little tiny-ass pieces, and it's like really easily absorbed by your body. 1.00

01:30:22.000 And your shit's magnifico. 1.00

01:30:25.000 The shit's become amazing. 1.00

01:30:27.000 Yeah, because you're drinking. 1.00

01:30:27.000 You're so lubed up, too, though, dude. 1.00

01:30:30.000 Your whole system is just...

01:30:31.000 Whatever you have, if you have a steak later, it slides out like a toboggan.

01:30:35.000 Whoop!

01:30:36.000 I got a great drink for your Vitamix, Joe.

01:30:38.000 This is a late night drink with some food.

01:30:42.000 Vodka, ice, red seedless grapes, like a lot of red seedless grapes, and a little bit, two apples.

01:30:50.000 And it's kind of like grape vodka, but it's got a little bit of a texture to it.

01:30:56.000 It's cool.

01:30:56.000 Wow, I love that.

01:30:58.000 That's a great idea.

01:30:58.000 So you make a little smoothie?

01:31:00.000 Make a little smoothie, yeah.

01:31:01.000 And if you have any nut...

01:31:03.000 What's that sweetener that's made out of cactus or something like that?

01:31:08.000 If you have any of that, put that in there.

01:31:09.000 Stevia, you know?

01:31:10.000 Yeah, you can use stevia too.

01:31:11.000 Oh, agave.

01:31:12.000 Agave.

01:31:13.000 Yeah, I use agave.

01:31:14.000 I heard agave is not so good for you.

01:31:17.000 Why not?

01:31:18.000 I don't know.

01:31:19.000 I read that somewhere.

01:31:20.000 I need to research that.

01:31:21.000 Somebody said that agave is not good for you.

01:31:23.000 I think like any artificial sweeteners.

01:31:25.000 Isn't that a kind of tequila agave?

01:31:28.000 Well, I think they make tequila out of it.

01:31:31.000 But it's a plant.

01:31:32.000 Agave is a plant.

01:31:33.000 And it's a real sweet plant.

01:31:37.000 Somehow or another they make tequila out of that.

01:31:40.000 I somehow see that word associated with tequila.

01:31:43.000 I made lemonade the other day with it.

01:31:44.000 With agave.

01:31:45.000 It's really delicious.

01:31:47.000 But I was drinking it and I was like, it's probably not so good for you.

01:31:49.000 Why?

01:31:50.000 I don't know.

01:31:51.000 Stevia is supposed to be good for you, but stevia to me is not like a real sweet taste.

01:31:55.000 It's like a trick sweet.

01:31:56.000 Yeah.

01:31:56.000 It's almost like an aspirate.

01:31:58.000 What was that old shit? 1.00

01:31:59.000 Sweet and Low. 1.00

01:32:00.000 Remember how Sweet and Low had that funky fucking... 0.99

01:32:02.000 It was kind of sweet, but kind of funky. 0.99

01:32:04.000 I kind of like it, though, better than any of it.

01:32:07.000 But the problem I have is they need to have it at more places.

01:32:10.000 Like Starbucks seems like it should have it.

01:32:12.000 Why doesn't Starbucks have Stevia?

01:32:14.000 Well, I don't think people...

01:32:15.000 I think it's a taste issue.

01:32:16.000 I don't prefer the taste of it.

01:32:17.000 I think it's probably something you can get used to, but I don't like sweetened things.

01:32:21.000 I don't mind things being not sweet.

01:32:24.000 You know what I mean?

01:32:24.000 Like coffee, I don't want coffee sweetened.

01:32:26.000 I don't sweeten iced tea.

01:32:28.000 I just drink it, you know? 0.97

01:32:30.000 Yeah, I don't put any extra shit into pretty much anything. 0.95

01:32:33.000 Really? 0.98

01:32:34.000 Yeah.

01:32:34.000 Do you watch your health?

01:32:35.000 Do you take care of yourself?

01:32:36.000 You know, I go through periods that are, you know, I kind of go up and down.

01:32:41.000 I don't think I've ever eaten cake in bed.

01:32:43.000 Never?

01:32:44.000 Uh-uh.

01:32:44.000 I don't think so.

01:32:45.000 What about in the tub?

01:32:48.000 I don't think I've ever eaten food in the tub.

01:32:50.000 That's the cat in the hat comes back, eats cake in the tub, and it becomes a mess. 1.00

01:32:53.000 That motherfucker. 1.00

01:32:56.000 Do you paraphrase it that way when you read that to your children? 1.00

01:33:00.000 It's my kids' favorite stories.

01:33:02.000 They're fun.

01:33:03.000 I get into them.

01:33:04.000 I get into the cat in the hat ones.

01:33:05.000 They're brilliantly written stuff.

01:33:06.000 Do you have frog and toad?

01:33:08.000 You gotta get them in the frog and toad.

01:33:09.000 Okay.

01:33:09.000 That's the best.

01:33:10.000 Remember that?

01:33:11.000 Frog and toad.

01:33:12.000 Yeah.

01:33:12.000 About a frog and a toad that lived together.

01:33:14.000 Sort of vaguely remember that.

01:33:15.000 Oh, and they're trying to cross the highway and you have to get them to the lily pads.

01:33:21.000 No.

01:33:22.000 Oh, that's Frogger.

01:33:23.000 It's weird that a frog would hang with a toad.

01:33:26.000 Yeah, they're different, yet so the same.

01:33:27.000 We're lucky frogs are little. 0.99

01:33:28.000 Those cunts. 0.97

01:33:29.000 You know how evil frogs would be if they were big? 1.00

01:33:32.000 They would just be taking kids right out of your arms. 1.00

01:33:34.000 Have you seen big frogs?

01:33:35.000 They're pretty big.

01:33:35.000 I mean big.

01:33:36.000 Like real big.

01:33:37.000 Like dog-sized.

01:33:38.000 If frogs were huge, they would eat babies. 1.00

01:33:41.000 I was researching frogs a long time ago because of licking frogs.

01:33:45.000 And so I got really into frogs.

01:33:47.000 And they have Pac-Man frogs.

01:33:49.000 Have you ever seen Pac-Man frogs?

01:33:50.000 Their mouths open up like a Pac-Man. 1.00

01:33:53.000 Frogs are ruthless motherfuckers. 1.00

01:33:54.000 They eat like mice sometimes. 1.00

01:33:58.000 I might have made that up.

01:33:59.000 No, they do.

01:33:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:34:04.000 How about the fact that frogs eat dogs?

01:34:06.000 Have you ever seen those frogs that eat dogs?

01:34:08.000 Yeah, man.

01:34:08.000 How about the fact that people take frogs and they get high with them?

01:34:11.000 Yeah, that's why I was researching frogs because I was going to buy frogs off eBay a long time ago.

01:34:15.000 It was something like that.

01:34:16.000 You can buy that.

01:34:17.000 I don't know if they made that frog illegal yet.

01:34:19.000 What is the frog that does it?

01:34:20.000 It produces 5-MeO-DMT. It's really incredibly potent hallucinogen.

01:34:25.000 And what you do is you take this frog and the skin excretes like some sort of a white milky substance and you do it on a window of a car.

01:34:33.000 So that it's in the sun, or anything glass that's outside, like a glass coffee table.

01:34:37.000 You secrete it, and then when it dries off, you scrape it with a razor blade, and it becomes a white powder.

01:34:42.000 You put it in something, you freebase it, and you blast off.

01:34:47.000 Do-do-do! 0.98

01:34:48.000 Do-do-do-do-do-do!

01:34:50.000 Welcome to the center of the universe, provided by a frog.

01:34:54.000 Do you think that's why the end of the world is going to be a bunch of frogs flying on us?

01:34:58.000 Because we're all going to start tripping off these frogs?

01:34:59.000 Because it's going to be frogs everywhere, and then we're going to go into this DM tree trip.

01:35:03.000 That's unlikely.

01:35:04.000 I'm tripping off of how Joe says hallucinogen.

01:35:08.000 Hallucinogen?

01:35:08.000 Hallucinogen.

01:35:09.000 Hallucinogen.

01:35:10.000 That's the correct pronunciation.

01:35:11.000 Hallucinogen is what I'm used to.

01:35:13.000 Hallucinogen is good as well.

01:35:14.000 It's like nuclear or nucular.

01:35:16.000 No, those aren't two.

01:35:17.000 You don't have options on that one.

01:35:19.000 Nuclear options?

01:35:20.000 If I said nuclear, would you correct me?

01:35:22.000 It's like often and often.

01:35:24.000 Nuclear.

01:35:25.000 Coupon and coupon. 0.73

01:35:26.000 Nuclear bombs.

01:35:27.000 Nuclear bombs.

01:35:28.000 I don't think I would correct you out loud.

01:35:30.000 I would just assume you're... 1.00

01:35:31.000 You're an idiot. 1.00

01:35:32.000 No, I just assume you're... 1.00

01:35:33.000 You know, like...

01:35:34.000 You hear them both ways so often... 0.94

01:35:37.000 Of all the dumb things that George Bush said and did, that one to me was like, well, but a lot of people say it the wrong way. 0.95

01:35:44.000 So you just get used to it. 0.96

01:35:46.000 It's just like old expressions that now people say them the wrong way.

01:35:49.000 What about when English people write things different?

01:35:52.000 Their correct tires is T-Y-R-E-S. I kept seeing that written in an English magazine.

01:35:58.000 I was like, why the fuck are they writing tires? 0.99

01:36:00.000 World is spelled W-R-O-L-D instead of W-O-R-L-D. World? 0.99

01:36:07.000 Yeah, world.

01:36:08.000 It's pronounced world.

01:36:08.000 Like wrong?

01:36:09.000 Yeah, like wrong.

01:36:10.000 Did you just make that up?

01:36:11.000 I always get... 1.00

01:36:12.000 I say world and everyone gives me shit. 1.00

01:36:15.000 So you make that up? 1.00

01:36:15.000 No. 1.00

01:36:16.000 It's not spelled W-R. No.

01:36:18.000 Yeah, I made it up.

01:36:19.000 You made that up.

01:36:19.000 Yes.

01:36:19.000 You motherfucker.

01:36:20.000 They just said U. Color. 1.00

01:36:23.000 They have a U in color.

01:36:24.000 Yeah.

01:36:26.000 There's a bunch of different...

01:36:27.000 It's funny, when you're reading tweets, you don't even have to look to see where the person's from when it's got those things in it.

01:36:32.000 Well, they also say, cheers, mate.

01:36:33.000 And they always say, you're a legend.

01:36:36.000 You're a legend, mate.

01:36:38.000 I think that's just you, Joe.

01:36:40.000 Because you are a legend.

01:36:42.000 No, they love that expression.

01:36:44.000 They love brilliant.

01:36:46.000 They say brilliant a lot.

01:36:47.000 Yeah, brilliant is great.

01:36:48.000 That's another one they do.

01:36:49.000 Retard. 1.00

01:36:49.000 Cunt. 1.00

01:36:50.000 They like to say cunt. 1.00

01:36:52.000 I like how you publicly announced that when you ban people on Twitter. 1.00

01:36:55.000 You're like, you are banned.

01:36:57.000 No, blocked.

01:36:59.000 But sometimes I'm just kidding. 0.94

01:37:00.000 Sometimes I'll just take some dumb tweet that Kim Kardashian wrote or something and I'll say, blocked.

01:37:05.000 Or somebody will write something to me that's actually kind of nice and I'll write blocked just to be silly and I'll write to them and say, I didn't really block you, I just...

01:37:13.000 I just wanted to retweet what you said, but I also...

01:37:15.000 I don't like just retweeting compliments and stuff, because I just think that that's just...

01:37:19.000 Oh, so you retweet a compliment and then say blocked?

01:37:21.000 That's funny. 1.00

01:37:22.000 Yeah, because then everybody gets a laugh out of it, like, oh, he's such an asshole, that guy that said that nice thing. 1.00

01:37:28.000 But I just think that there's just too many people that just want... 0.98

01:37:32.000 They're all about getting retweets and begging for them, and it's just like...

01:37:37.000 That's kind of whack, dude, the whole retweet thing.

01:37:39.000 I respond to people as much as I can, but that is kind of whack.

01:37:42.000 Yeah, you're good with people, though.

01:37:43.000 You answer questions and stuff.

01:37:45.000 I just get the same questions all the time.

01:37:47.000 People always ask me, because I follow 420 people, I thought that'd be a funny thing on my page that says I follow 420 people, but then also, that's about how many people I want to follow, like if there's somebody that I'm not interested in anymore.

01:38:02.000 And I want to add somebody, I'll drop somebody and add them.

01:38:05.000 I just keep it at 420. Oh, that's hilarious.

01:38:07.000 And then a lot of people get it right away.

01:38:08.000 They don't ask to be added because they're like, I don't want to ruin your 420 thing, dude, but I'd love it if you added me or whatever.

01:38:14.000 Dude, is anybody more connected to the pop movement than you?

01:38:18.000 I don't know.

01:38:19.000 I'm not as political as people might want me to be about it.

01:38:22.000 Although I've got some news for you guys that I'd love to share with your listeners slash viewers.

01:38:27.000 Sure.

01:38:28.000 In Missouri...

01:38:30.000 For 2012, there's a chance of getting outright legalization on the ballot.

01:38:35.000 Really?

01:38:35.000 Yeah.

01:38:36.000 They're skipping over the medical thing.

01:38:38.000 They just need X number of signatures.

01:38:40.000 It's not that many.

01:38:42.000 They just need a certain number of signatures to get it to happen, and they need the signatures by May.

01:38:47.000 So if you're in Missouri, get a hold of your local normal chapter, N-O-R-M-L. That's how Brian's always spelt normal. 0.84

01:38:56.000 How many?

01:38:57.000 And just make sure you find out where you can go, because it has to be physical signatures, which is the most fucked up thing in this computer age.

01:39:04.000 People should be able to sign petitions now on their computer.

01:39:07.000 Yeah, online.

01:39:08.000 And some do.

01:39:09.000 The conservatives get lots of good Marijuana is legal in Denver.

01:39:27.000 Pretty much, yeah.

01:39:28.000 Denver.

01:39:28.000 Can't they give you some sort of ticket?

01:39:29.000 They don't.

01:39:30.000 If you're blowing it on a schoolyard.

01:39:32.000 I think it's one of those things where they can't.

01:39:34.000 I'm sure you're not supposed to be out there publicly drinking, just like you're not supposed to be out there publicly smoking pot.

01:39:39.000 But they do it in Denver.

01:39:42.000 People are pretty chill.

01:39:43.000 Yeah, they're not stopping people at all.

01:39:44.000 There's a lot of cities, and there's 16 states in Washington, D.C. that are medical, but then a lot of cities, it's been kind of quietly...

01:39:54.000 Is it 16 states now?

01:39:55.000 I think so, yeah.

01:39:56.000 I think it's been kind of quietly decriminalized in a lot of places.

01:39:59.000 A lot of those states, though, it's really hard to get a license.

01:40:02.000 It's not as easy as it is in California.

01:40:03.000 Oh, yeah, and it's really hard to...

01:40:05.000 The whole dispensary system isn't in place.

01:40:07.000 And that's the problem currently in California is that the feds are again threatening to basically close down dispensaries.

01:40:14.000 And then the question is, well, where are the patients?

01:40:16.000 Because they seem to be okay with patients at this point.

01:40:19.000 Like if you're a medical marijuana patient, you should be able to get it.

01:40:22.000 But where are the patients going to get it if they close down the dispensaries?

01:40:26.000 I guess they're supposed to grow their own or have some sort of co-op.

01:40:29.000 I think the concern from the law enforcement is that there's a lot of profit being made that is not supposed to be according to the way the law is structured.

01:40:40.000 You're not supposed to be able to profit as much as these people are profiting.

01:40:44.000 But the bottom line is, that should be the very last thing that law enforcement is devoting its resources to.

01:40:52.000 You know no one's getting hurt there.

01:40:54.000 Yeah, it's a waste.

01:40:55.000 So all your attention should be devoted to crime.

01:40:59.000 All your attention should be devoted to reckless drivers, drunk drivers, crime, assault, And violent crime associated with marijuana would go away if it was legal.

01:41:10.000 Yeah, just leave it alone and I swear everything will be better.

01:41:13.000 It's really simple. 0.99

01:41:15.000 There's other shit to concentrate on. 0.98

01:41:16.000 But I think also that in some cases places need arrests. 0.99

01:41:22.000 They need to make arrests, and it's a fucking easy collar. 0.97

01:41:24.000 It's not hard. 0.99

01:41:25.000 No one's going to shoot you when you're closing down a pot store. 0.96

01:41:27.000 You know, you go there, you bring guys who are dressed like they're ready to go to war in Afghanistan, and they fucking go in there with machine guns, and they clear everything out, and they take everything. 0.98

01:41:36.000 And it's crazy, man. 0.93

01:41:37.000 You know, the ones that they had in LA a few years back, where they had the guys who had Blackwater uniforms on, they were Blackwater guys.

01:41:45.000 They hired mercenaries to go in there and clean up and close down these pot shops. 1.00

01:41:50.000 And you're like, what?!

01:41:52.000 Those are the weirdest raids.

01:41:53.000 Do you remember that, though? 0.99

01:41:55.000 Do you remember the Blackwater shit? 0.92

01:41:56.000 In Super Jaime, we show two different raids, and one of the biggest laughs in the movies, unfortunately not me speaking, somebody that's just a protester advocate that's hanging outside a place that's being raided... 0.96

01:42:11.000 Yells at the guys as they're walking downstairs with boxes full of marijuana and money. 0.99

01:42:16.000 Yells at him, go bust a meth lab, you pussies. 1.00

01:42:22.000 No shit. 1.00

01:42:23.000 No shit. 1.00

01:42:24.000 It's so easy. 1.00

01:42:26.000 It's an easy collar.

01:42:27.000 It's weak.

01:42:27.000 You know, it's wrong.

01:42:30.000 And I'm sure a lot of the guys that are involved in doing those things, again, they're just following orders.

01:42:37.000 Absolutely.

01:42:38.000 I get people in law enforcement more and more saying hey to me and winking at me and saying I like your work and stuff.

01:42:45.000 Kissing on the lips.

01:42:46.000 A lot of making out.

01:42:48.000 I just will not. 1.00

01:42:49.000 I just draw the line at eating their ass. 1.00

01:42:52.000 Don't draw that line, bro. 1.00

01:42:54.000 I gotta try it. 0.99

01:42:55.000 I just think of asses as being, you know, a very juvenile attitude towards asses. 1.00

01:43:00.000 Make them do a stripper shower before they eat it. 1.00

01:43:02.000 And I don't want anything in my ass, even a nice soft tongue. 0.99

01:43:05.000 I always say the cops don't get nearly enough credit, and there's a divide between the citizens and the police that doesn't have to exist. 1.00

01:43:11.000 It's ridiculous. 0.78

01:43:12.000 They should be supported. 0.83

01:43:14.000 People support troops, but very few people support cops.

01:43:17.000 There's bad cops, for sure, but it's a small percentage.

01:43:21.000 We get to see how good cops are, though, because we're usually in situations where it's sort of, you know, especially you, like where you see a lot of law enforcement that's like kind of, they're sort of protecting you in just being out in public and stuff, right? they're sort of protecting you in just being out in I don't really have cops protecting me when I'm out in public.

01:43:42.000 No, but I mean, when they see you, they're like, you're a celebrity to them.

01:43:45.000 So you're like, the last thing their cops are going to do is hassle you.

01:43:48.000 Well, that's true.

01:43:49.000 But they, you know, also, when I got pulled over when I wasn't a celebrity, I'm polite.

01:43:53.000 You asked me a question.

01:43:54.000 No, sir.

01:43:55.000 You asked me for my license.

01:43:56.000 I give it to you.

01:43:56.000 It's true.

01:43:57.000 You do everything.

01:43:57.000 I'm being respectful.

01:43:59.000 Yeah, I've gotten out of a few arrest situations by just being polite.

01:44:04.000 If a cop knows you're legitimately respectful, they appreciate that. 0.99

01:44:07.000 Look, man, that's the fucking job. 0.99

01:44:09.000 The job is we agree. 1.00

01:44:10.000 That guy gets the gun and the fucking flashing lights, and you listen to him. 1.00

01:44:14.000 Yes, sir. 1.00

01:44:14.000 No, sir. 1.00

01:44:15.000 And that means you're a good citizen and you're not trying to fucking cause any trouble. 0.92

01:44:19.000 And in turn, he doesn't take advantage of this power that's presented to him by this willingness for people to obey. 0.89

01:44:25.000 And he doesn't automatically assume that everybody owes it to him.

01:44:28.000 And that's the problem with older cops. 0.98

01:44:30.000 That's the problem with these white shirt cunts that you see punching people in these Occupy Wall Street crowds. 0.99

01:44:34.000 They think they can punch people. 0.99

01:44:37.000 There's ones, and it's not all of them, it's just a small fraction of them, but they feel like they're better than people.

01:44:41.000 They feel like they've been ordering people around.

01:44:43.000 People have been forced to listen to them so long that they have a complex. 1.00

01:44:46.000 They've been involved in law enforcement for 30 years and you have to fucking listen to them. 0.99

01:44:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:44:52.000 They're bullies. 0.97

01:44:53.000 They're bullies. 0.92

01:44:54.000 You give people ultimate power, you're going to get ultimate corruption.

01:44:57.000 We all know that.

01:44:58.000 And even though you don't think of that as corruption, that is absolutely corruption. 1.00

01:45:01.000 When that guy in that white shirt in the video punches that chick in the face, that's fucking corruption. 0.99

01:45:07.000 That is 100% corruption. 1.00

01:45:09.000 Somebody told me that's not a chick. 0.99

01:45:10.000 That's actually a very feminine man.

01:45:12.000 Either way, I say it's a chick.

01:45:14.000 Yeah.

01:45:14.000 I say it's a chick dude.

01:45:16.000 Chick-like tendencies. 0.99

01:45:17.000 Yeah, a very chick-like dude. 0.63

01:45:19.000 And the guy punches him right in the face with a very sloppy overhand right, too. 0.89

01:45:22.000 It's a piss-poor technique.

01:45:23.000 I really was very upset with this technique.

01:45:26.000 You should make a video of you and...

01:45:28.000 Or how to punch a protester correctly?

01:45:29.000 No, no, I mean, just take that video and then do the play-by-play like you're doing it for a fight. 0.99

01:45:35.000 Who the fuck taught him how to throw that right hand? 0.99

01:45:37.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:45:38.000 And for a 102-pound chick, she takes it well. 0.99

01:45:40.000 She took it well. 0.99

01:45:41.000 It was a weak-ass punch. 0.94

01:45:43.000 But, you know, it's the fact that he thought that he could do that. 0.97

01:45:45.000 I don't care what that person said to him, you know? 0.99

01:45:47.000 If someone is yelling at you and calling you names and becoming a problem, and you have to arrest them, then you fucking arrest them. 1.00

01:45:54.000 You don't have to punch people in the fucking head, you dick. 1.00

01:45:56.000 What do you think about the preponderance of taser incidents and uses of tasers everywhere? 1.00

01:46:04.000 It's ridiculous. 0.80

01:46:04.000 Not just tasers. 0.80

01:46:05.000 How about the flash bombs they're throwing on people? 1.00

01:46:07.000 Did you see that shit? 1.00

01:46:08.000 That guy was a wounded vet. 1.00

01:46:11.000 The whole thing is disgusting. 0.83

01:46:12.000 It's really disgusting.

01:46:14.000 It's like these cops are, you know, they're forced every day to go out there and try to combat this ever-growing thing that shows no signs of weakening.

01:46:21.000 In fact, shows signs of gaining momentum and strength.

01:46:24.000 And that's why all these movements are being taken to try to squash it and try to suppress it because they go Well, we got to stop this now because right now it's 30,000 people. 0.68

01:46:34.000 What the fuck do we do when it's 300,000 people out there? 0.80

01:46:36.000 Guess what? 0.98

01:46:37.000 They're gonna come through those doors 300,000 people are gonna come through those doors and they're gonna start throwing people out windows, you know, and I don't think they will I I mean, it's not violent.

01:46:45.000 It hasn't been a violent movement so far, but that's what they would do if they had 300,000 people. 0.92

01:46:50.000 So if you think of, if you're like Mayor Bloomberg, or if you're one of these fucking guys that owns some giant hedge fund, and you've made billions of dollars just raping people your whole life, and then all of a sudden, you picture what you would do if you were all those people. 0.88

01:47:07.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:47:07.000 You would think, those people are going to get me. 0.98

01:47:09.000 They're going to come and get me.

01:47:10.000 They're going to storm the gates.

01:47:11.000 Even if they stay non-violent, these people are never going to accept that.

01:47:14.000 Because they're always going to assume that human nature is always violent.

01:47:17.000 So they're going to push these people back before it ever gets to a point where they can't control it. 0.99

01:47:21.000 And that's why they're clearing these fucking tents out. 0.99

01:47:24.000 That's why they're trying to... 0.99

01:47:24.000 I guess they had an old library full of books there, too. 0.99

01:47:27.000 Yeah, and they threw all the books away. 1.00

01:47:28.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

01:47:29.000 You're throwing books away? 1.00

01:47:31.000 That should be against the law, okay?

01:47:32.000 Right there?

01:47:33.000 That should be a crime. 0.99

01:47:34.000 In this day and age of ultimate retardation that we find ourselves in, where people are so fucking dopey that you're throwing books away? 1.00

01:47:42.000 God damn, man. 1.00

01:47:43.000 You talk about someone who's not working for the greater good of the people. 1.00

01:47:46.000 A cop that's throwing books away?

01:47:49.000 Yeah, and all in the name of, you know, the supposed name of public safety. 0.90

01:47:57.000 Oh, it's so gross.

01:47:58.000 Well, you know that Chase paid the cops $4.6 million, made a huge donation to the cops?

01:48:03.000 Of course. 0.90

01:48:04.000 Isn't that ridiculous?

01:48:05.000 Everything behind everything is money now.

01:48:09.000 The money that these people are going to try to defeat Obama, the money, the millions and millions that they're raising, that all it's going to is just trying to win an election?

01:48:19.000 It's such a messed up system.

01:48:21.000 People are starving.

01:48:23.000 Those millions of dollars could feed people, and instead they're just putting somebody else in charge who's not, you know, because Obama, as much as he seems to try, you know, there's...

01:48:32.000 He's ineffective.

01:48:34.000 Yeah.

01:48:34.000 Everything's going to be ineffective.

01:48:36.000 If he loses, if he wins...

01:48:38.000 I mean, if he wins, I think his next four years can be kind of interesting because he'll kind of have a nothing-to-fucking-lose kind of attitude.

01:48:43.000 Is that true, though, man? 0.84

01:48:45.000 I hope so.

01:48:46.000 You know, I don't buy that anymore because I just haven't seen any evidence whatsoever that he has any power at all.

01:48:51.000 I don't necessarily believe it.

01:48:53.000 I think there's a whole group of people that have got him into position.

01:48:58.000 And once those people sit down with him, they explain to him what they would like to get done.

01:49:02.000 And that's what gets done.

01:49:04.000 And that's why Guantanamo Bay is still open.

01:49:06.000 But stuff still slips through the cracks.

01:49:08.000 There's no money interest that wanted to get rid of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. 0.53

01:49:12.000 And he made that happen.

01:49:14.000 Yeah, that's a bone that he threw people.

01:49:16.000 Yeah, but as bones go, it's pretty good.

01:49:19.000 Yeah, it's good.

01:49:20.000 You know what that means? 1.00

01:49:21.000 That means that gay people are allowed to become hired killers too. 1.00

01:49:24.000 Yay! 1.00

01:49:26.000 The fuck kind of advancement is that? 1.00

01:49:28.000 Well, but they can, you know, gay people. 1.00

01:49:29.000 You know, it's not that I'm 100% not anti-soldier whatsoever.

01:49:34.000 I am for the soldiers.

01:49:36.000 What I'm not for is the people that tell the soldiers what to do. 0.99

01:49:39.000 Every fucking army needs soldiers. 0.99

01:49:42.000 Every nation needs an army. 1.00

01:49:43.000 Because guess what?

01:49:44.000 Human nature is what it is. 1.00

01:49:46.000 There's a lot of bad fucking people in the world. 1.00

01:49:48.000 What makes me sick is when bad people take good soldiers and make them do bad shit. 1.00

01:49:53.000 And they do that for their own good. 0.99

01:49:55.000 So it's not that I'm against soldiers.

01:49:57.000 I'm 100% for soldiers.

01:50:00.000 Those are people I understand.

01:50:02.000 What I'm not for is the people that put soldiers in situations where these soldiers think they're doing the right thing because they're following orders.

01:50:08.000 They think they're doing the right thing because they're going after guys who look like bad guys.

01:50:12.000 But the big question never gets answered. 0.99

01:50:13.000 What the fuck are you doing there in the first place? 0.98

01:50:16.000 You think you're doing the right thing? 1.00

01:50:17.000 What the fuck are you doing there in the first place? 0.99

01:50:19.000 Are you going to stop another 9-11? 1.00

01:50:20.000 Those guys are dead. 0.95

01:50:21.000 They're all dead.

01:50:22.000 The guys who did it are dead.

01:50:23.000 This is how you stop it.

01:50:24.000 Don't let that happen again.

01:50:26.000 Get everybody over here. 0.99

01:50:27.000 Fucking put more soldiers in the streets. 0.98

01:50:29.000 Just have everybody watching stuff more carefully. 0.99

01:50:31.000 Yeah, keep America safe.

01:50:32.000 Make soldiers the TSA employees.

01:50:34.000 You can't deny the economic...

01:50:37.000 There's no reasons for going over there.

01:50:39.000 You can't deny it.

01:50:40.000 In the middle of this peak oil crisis, everybody's freaking out about what happens when we run out of oil.

01:50:46.000 Is it possible to run out of oil?

01:50:48.000 What happens if the prices skyrocket to the point where we get a massive recession?

01:50:52.000 And so that's the reason why we go over there.

01:50:55.000 We go over there to control the oil.

01:50:57.000 Do we go over there because there's not much left?

01:50:59.000 I mean, what's really going on?

01:51:01.000 Let me know.

01:51:02.000 Do you think that all this is leading up to like the protest, you know, getting the troops back here, like all this is just going to lead to something like a new Hands Across America and a new We Are The World?

01:51:13.000 It already is.

01:51:14.000 I think it already is there.

01:51:16.000 You're worried about having to go through Hands Across America?

01:51:19.000 The only thing I'm worried about is the We Are The World parodies that stand-up comics will close their acts with.

01:51:25.000 That's what I'm worried about.

01:51:26.000 Kevin Meaney.

01:51:26.000 Another Kevin Meaney.

01:51:27.000 I can't even...

01:51:28.000 I remember Hands Across America, but I don't remember if I did it or not.

01:51:33.000 I don't think it worked, right?

01:51:35.000 It didn't work.

01:51:35.000 It was fake, and they just edited things together.

01:51:38.000 It was like, wow, look how far it goes.

01:51:40.000 Do you know how many colds were transferred from person to person that way?

01:51:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:51:44.000 I don't know if I stood somewhere and held hands with two people on the street somewhere or not.

01:51:48.000 I think I think my uncle told me it with him.

01:51:50.000 You think I'd remember that if I didn't?

01:51:51.000 Well, that's what we're talking about.

01:51:52.000 Every seven years, you get some shitty files that you have to sort.

01:51:55.000 That's been a while since that happened.

01:51:58.000 I think my uncle told me it was Hands Across America, but we were in the shower.

01:52:01.000 It shouldn't have caused you that much inconvenience, Brian, as an individual.

01:52:04.000 Yeah, it's not that big a deal, Brian.

01:52:06.000 I think this is a little bigger than Hands Across America.

01:52:08.000 The worst is the making of...

01:52:09.000 That's weird that you're in fear of another We Are The World song.

01:52:11.000 That's so not what's going on here. 0.99

01:52:13.000 What's going on here is some overthrow the government type shit. 0.98

01:52:15.000 That's what's going on here. 0.99

01:52:16.000 What's going on here is people saying, hey, this system right now doesn't fucking work at all.

01:52:20.000 This is the only time in our life that I've ever seen this. 0.84

01:52:23.000 Never seen anything remotely close to it.

01:52:25.000 No, every president in my lifetime has raised taxes at a point where taxes need to be raised.

01:52:32.000 It's never been this crazy.

01:52:34.000 There's never been this much discontent.

01:52:36.000 There's never been giant protests all over the world.

01:52:39.000 They have occupied Toronto.

01:52:41.000 Guess what?

01:52:41.000 Toronto's doing great.

01:52:43.000 They're doing awesome.

01:52:44.000 They have a good economy.

01:52:45.000 They don't have nearly the problems with unemployment that we have. 0.94

01:52:49.000 They're fucking doing pretty good up there. 0.89

01:52:51.000 A lot better than we're doing, man. 1.00

01:52:53.000 But people are still like, fuck it, it's not good enough. 0.97

01:52:55.000 Was the 55,000 people at Rogers Center, was that the most people at one UFC event ever? 0.99

01:53:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:53:02.000 That was epic.

01:53:03.000 Yeah, and those tickets aren't cheap.

01:53:05.000 Though the record is actually being held by, I think in Japan, they've had 90,000 people.

01:53:12.000 Really?

01:53:12.000 Yeah.

01:53:13.000 I think that's the biggest they've ever had.

01:53:15.000 You weren't there, though?

01:53:15.000 At least East 80. No, it wasn't the UFC. It was Pride.

01:53:18.000 Pride events.

01:53:19.000 Yeah, I'm pretty sure during the peak of mixed martial arts, they had something like 80,000 plus people, which is really insane when you think about it.

01:53:26.000 Because when we did the UFC, it was 55, but then they released an additional 5,000 seats and they sold them too.

01:53:34.000 So it turned out to be 60,000.

01:53:36.000 It's just they had to figure out how many seats they could have and bring in all the equipment because it was...

01:53:41.000 A completely different show. 0.99

01:53:42.000 It was really stressful for everyone doing it because they had these giant fucking TVs everywhere, so everything is being shown on these 80-foot fucking TVs. 0.99

01:53:51.000 I mean, it's a huge place, man. 0.99

01:53:54.000 And people were watching it from the hotel.

01:53:56.000 That's really wild. 0.97

01:53:57.000 The back of the Rogers Center has a fucking hotel with windows wide open, and people had rooms where they could look out their window and watch the fight. 0.97

01:54:06.000 That's awesome. 0.99

01:54:07.000 Fucking awesome. 0.98

01:54:07.000 I didn't even see that. 0.98

01:54:08.000 Dude, it's the shit. 1.00

01:54:09.000 That place is huge. 1.00

01:54:10.000 They play baseball in there, man.

01:54:12.000 I mean, wrap your head around that.

01:54:13.000 Yeah, well, is that the only place where they gave us...

01:54:21.000 They gave us these things that we put in our ears to listen to you call the matches.

01:54:26.000 You can get those anywhere.

01:54:28.000 Everywhere has them.

01:54:29.000 That's just the only place anybody's ever walked up to me and said, here, do you want this?

01:54:32.000 They were just giving them out to people for some reason in Toronto.

01:54:36.000 And so I listened the whole time.

01:54:38.000 I think you should get it with your ticket. 0.79

01:54:40.000 You're paying a fuckload for your ticket anyway. 0.99

01:54:42.000 They just hand them bitches out when they get in the door. 1.00

01:54:43.000 That would be a nice thing. 1.00

01:54:44.000 Yeah.

01:54:45.000 But it's only $10, and you could reuse it at every UFC event.

01:54:48.000 Yeah.

01:54:49.000 Yeah, I don't know what ended up happening with the one that I had, because, you know, I smoke a lot of pot.

01:54:54.000 You do smoke a lot of pot, don't you?

01:54:56.000 Especially in Toronto.

01:54:57.000 I smoked it.

01:54:58.000 Toronto's awesome.

01:54:59.000 Did you ever do that pot club where you do stand-up?

01:55:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:55:02.000 You told me about it, and then I did it this next time I was there.

01:55:06.000 We shouldn't say the name, because I don't know how easy it is to get in trouble for that, but...

01:55:10.000 I don't think it's that easy there.

01:55:12.000 I don't know, but they're awesome.

01:55:13.000 I think it's pretty fucking chill there.

01:55:14.000 I'm pretty sure they have a vote really soon on decriminalization. 0.89

01:55:20.000 I think there's something going on.

01:55:21.000 I don't know the exact specifics of the situation with their law, but it was deemed that the way the law was written, the cannabis laws, were unconstitutional.

01:55:30.000 And they only had a certain amount of time to fight that.

01:55:32.000 And they're in the midst of it right now.

01:55:35.000 I'm pretty sure it's going to be decided sometime before the end of the year, before the end of December, I believe.

01:55:41.000 That's cool.

01:55:41.000 Yeah, really interesting.

01:55:42.000 But their attitude towards it was amazing up there, as is in BC. They just fucking, you know... 0.99

01:55:47.000 BC has medical now, too. 0.99

01:55:49.000 If you have a California license, you can go to BC. It's good?

01:55:52.000 Yeah, they accept it.

01:55:53.000 I was just there for a night, and I had a blast.

01:55:56.000 I love going to Canada.

01:55:58.000 It's the greatest city in the country.

01:55:59.000 Canada?

01:56:00.000 Canada is the greatest city in our country.

01:56:04.000 No.

01:56:04.000 The greatest city in Canada is, you know what, there's no bad one.

01:56:09.000 It's a toss-up between Vancouver, like the most fun I've ever had, between Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal.

01:56:15.000 Those are the three big cities that I performed at. 0.99

01:56:17.000 I would say it's a fucking toss-up. 0.97

01:56:19.000 The only thing in Montreal, there's a certain amount of people that don't necessarily speak English that well. 0.99

01:56:24.000 Yeah, it's a little more French.

01:56:25.000 Most people are bilingual, but there's a certain percentage, the girls it is. 1.00

01:56:29.000 But also, yeah, that could affect the reaction a little bit.

01:56:32.000 A little bit.

01:56:33.000 Because it's the language difference.

01:56:35.000 You get that a little bit. 1.00

01:56:36.000 But, damn, those girls are hot. 1.00

01:56:39.000 And they talk with a French accent. 1.00

01:56:41.000 But they have horrible brawls, though.

01:56:44.000 Even if they're being mean to you.

01:56:45.000 What?

01:56:46.000 What?

01:56:46.000 They have horrible bras?

01:56:47.000 Bras. 0.98

01:56:48.000 I've been with two of those French-Canadian girls, and they both had really creepy bras. 1.00

01:56:51.000 I think that says more about girls who want to fuck you. 1.00

01:56:54.000 I love that. 1.00

01:56:54.000 I love that your sampling of two girls is a... 1.00

01:56:58.000 That's his gallopold.

01:56:59.000 Make a statement like that.

01:57:00.000 That's his gallopold.

01:57:01.000 Oh, the two I was with had terrible bras and... 1.00

01:57:03.000 You never know.

01:57:04.000 Do countries have things like bras are more important style-wise, like old woman underwear? 0.97

01:57:11.000 Did you see any Victoria's Secret when you were there?

01:57:14.000 When chicks want to stay warm, they throw less emphasis on sexy underwear. 1.00

01:57:19.000 In Montreal, in the winter, man, ooh!

01:57:21.000 Little sun, it get cold.

01:57:22.000 I used to do the old, I used to do Jimbo's Comedy Works in Montreal.

01:57:28.000 I still do that.

01:57:29.000 I did it last time I was there.

01:57:30.000 It was a great little small club.

01:57:31.000 It only seats like 100 people.

01:57:33.000 I used to do it like way, way back in the day when I'd do the Montreal Comedy Festival.

01:57:36.000 But I walked from my hotel to the club because it was only a few blocks.

01:57:41.000 That's how I got there every day.

01:57:42.000 It was a long time ago.

01:57:44.000 And it was minus 15, minus 16, I think it was.

01:57:48.000 Something like that.

01:57:48.000 Jesus.

01:57:49.000 And I walked to the club and it was ruthlessly painful, dude.

01:57:53.000 It was ruthlessly painful.

01:57:55.000 Like, my ears felt like they were going to fall off my head.

01:57:57.000 You had to have a wool hat.

01:57:58.000 Like, you had to have ear covers.

01:57:59.000 It's not like a looks thing.

01:58:01.000 Like, you have to have it.

01:58:02.000 And you should wear a ski mask.

01:58:03.000 If you can get a ski mask, you should wear a ski mask.

01:58:05.000 Because your face gets ripped apart by the cold air. 1.00

01:58:08.000 Fuck that noise. 1.00

01:58:10.000 Yeah, I'm not a fan of that, so I guess we just officially decided Vancouver's the best. 1.00

01:58:15.000 Vancouver's my favorite.

01:58:16.000 Because in the wintertime, it's just got Portland weather or Seattle. 0.96

01:58:20.000 Vancouver's pretty fucking badass. 0.99

01:58:22.000 And the people are as cool as fuck. 0.99

01:58:24.000 That is one of the most marijuana-influenced cities in the world. 1.00

01:58:27.000 Oh, yeah.

01:58:27.000 One of the most.

01:58:28.000 The movie that I was in, The Union, The Business of Getting High, have you ever watched that?

01:58:33.000 My friend Adam Scorgy did it, and it's all about the economy in Vancouver and how much of it is based around marijuana and how insane it is and the American laws and all the horseshit that goes on with legalization.

01:58:46.000 But it's a great documentary on how ridiculous the whole scenario is, the fact that it's illegal in the first place. 0.66

01:58:54.000 We should vaporize while we talk about this.

01:58:56.000 You think that thing's ready to roll?

01:58:57.000 How long could it possibly take?

01:58:59.000 But it's flashing red light.

01:59:01.000 Oh, has it been flashing the whole time?

01:59:03.000 Is it supposed to be solid when it's ready?

01:59:05.000 I don't want to say the name of this product because I don't want to give this guy a bad review because he seems like a real nice guy.

01:59:10.000 Isn't the red light...

01:59:10.000 You talk.

01:59:11.000 I'm going to try it.

01:59:11.000 Hold on.

01:59:12.000 Let's try it and see if it works.

01:59:13.000 I'm going to try it real quick.

01:59:14.000 Give it a shot.

01:59:16.000 So tomorrow we have a Def Squad comedy show at the Pasadena Ice House.

01:59:21.000 I'll be there.

01:59:22.000 Doug will be there.

01:59:23.000 We'll be doing a podcast beforehand, so the podcast starts 8 p.m.

01:59:27.000 Pacific.

01:59:28.000 So it's going to be the same deal where people can watch it live?

01:59:30.000 Yeah, they can watch it live, and we're going to have John Reap, Little Esther, Yoshi.

01:59:39.000 Wait, is this a comedy show or a video game?

01:59:42.000 It's a comedy show.

01:59:44.000 I like that video game where Little Esther and Yoshi try to get into that castle. 1.00

01:59:50.000 Or that asshole. 1.00

01:59:52.000 Joe is trying to... 1.00

01:59:54.000 Allegedly.

01:59:56.000 Do you think it works?

01:59:58.000 Yeah, it works.

01:59:59.000 I'm just...

02:00:00.000 I'd like to try it. 1.00

02:00:01.000 It looks kind of like sucking a cock, though, and you know I'm against that. 1.00

02:00:05.000 Well, sort of you are. 0.99

02:00:08.000 Do you usually use vaporizers?

02:00:11.000 Huh?

02:00:11.000 I don't have any usual.

02:00:14.000 I have a myriad of ways to get THC into my system.

02:00:18.000 I had a lollipop in the car on the way over here. 0.95

02:00:21.000 Oh, you animal. 1.00

02:00:22.000 You fucking savage! 1.00

02:00:23.000 Those are good. 1.00

02:00:24.000 And then, you know, people always have joints around that you smoke.

02:00:28.000 I'm not a joint roller myself.

02:00:30.000 I don't have those skills.

02:00:32.000 So easy, though, man.

02:00:33.000 I make apples into pipes whenever I'm in hotels because they always have them in the lobby.

02:00:37.000 But don't you feel like you're getting a lot of the butane from the lighter in your mouth? 1.00

02:00:41.000 Don't you taste that shit when you inhale it? 1.00

02:00:43.000 Through an apple? 1.00

02:00:44.000 Anytime you use anything, we have to light the weed.

02:00:46.000 We light the weed over and over again.

02:00:48.000 The thing about joints is you light it once, and you can light it with a match.

02:00:52.000 Yeah, that's a good point.

02:00:54.000 With joints, it's almost become more like a social thing for me.

02:00:58.000 I never just sit and smoke a joint by myself.

02:01:02.000 You don't get big hits off of it.

02:01:05.000 That's why I like...

02:01:07.000 You don't get big hits. 1.00

02:01:08.000 You're such a fucking stoner. 1.00

02:01:11.000 People give you a little pin or joint or something. 1.00

02:01:13.000 I'm like, oh, that's fun to pretend we're smoking pot.

02:01:15.000 Oh, a little tiny joint.

02:01:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:01:17.000 I hate that.

02:01:18.000 But, you know, I'd rather have a blunt than a joint and a pipe over, you know, and then bongs. 0.99

02:01:23.000 You know, bongs, really, like, I hit them so rarely now that they really knock me on my ass, you know? 1.00

02:01:29.000 And, like, especially, like, somebody puts some, like, fucking hash oil in there or something. 0.98

02:01:33.000 Because I'm really getting used to just smoking vaporizer in my apartment and, you know, and doing a lot of edibles, so my smoking game is coming down, you know? 0.98

02:01:44.000 My smoking game.

02:01:46.000 Yeah, bongs will show you glitches in the Matrix. 0.96

02:01:49.000 If you have bongs, you'll have moments where the same exact thing is repeated a second later.

02:01:54.000 What?

02:01:55.000 There was this house that I lived in where, in college, I lived with seven girls.

02:01:59.000 And it was a two-story house.

02:02:01.000 It was just like the real world.

02:02:03.000 And we made a bong out of PCP that went from the first story...

02:02:07.000 PVC. Yeah, whatever.

02:02:09.000 PCP is angel dust.

02:02:10.000 It was made out of PCP, bro. 1.00

02:02:11.000 Bro, we're fucking crazy, man. 1.00

02:02:13.000 We made fucking pipes out of Angel Doss. 1.00

02:02:15.000 And it went to the second floor. 1.00

02:02:17.000 It was like so huge.

02:02:18.000 And there was one guy that could clear the whole thing.

02:02:21.000 You don't have to press anything.

02:02:21.000 Just hit it.

02:02:22.000 Just hit it. 0.83

02:02:23.000 Just hit it like it's a...

02:02:25.000 Like it's a bongo, son.

02:02:31.000 Doesn't feel like it's doing anything?

02:02:33.000 Is it clouding up? 0.99

02:02:35.000 Damn, he sounds like a teapot. 1.00

02:02:37.000 I'm a little teapot, short and stout. 1.00

02:02:41.000 Here's another one.

02:02:43.000 It worked?

02:02:43.000 That was real good.

02:02:44.000 Powerful professional stoner.

02:02:47.000 Professional stoner.

02:02:48.000 Doug Benson approves of this device.

02:02:52.000 Yeah, that seemed like a pretty good hit.

02:02:56.000 What do you know about this nonsense that the ATF is going to stop people from getting new firearms if you were a medical marijuana patient now?

02:03:04.000 Have you heard this?

02:03:04.000 I've heard stuff to that effect, and that sounds pretty nutty.

02:03:10.000 Ridiculous. 0.87

02:03:10.000 It sounds nutty, but it also doesn't hit me at home because I'm not a firearms guy. 0.87

02:03:17.000 Well, I understand that.

02:03:19.000 For me, I have guns.

02:03:20.000 I wish everybody that had guns was high.

02:03:23.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:03:24.000 You'd think more about your fellow man before you pull the trigger. 0.96

02:03:27.000 It's disgusting. 0.99

02:03:28.000 It's disgusting. 0.96

02:03:29.000 I hate that when people kind of paint this idea that Pac can somehow... 0.88

02:03:35.000 I mean, I guess there's some people that it can make kind of crazy, but for the most part, it doesn't...

02:03:40.000 It doesn't make you have visions or do things like with alcohol where you do things that you wouldn't do if you weren't drunk.

02:03:46.000 Right.

02:03:47.000 We doesn't really have that.

02:03:49.000 Not to me at least.

02:03:50.000 Being forgetful or something.

02:03:51.000 You know what I mean?

02:03:52.000 Like behind the wheel of a car, how many people do you know are like when they're high and driving, they're maniacs and dangerous and more of a threat than maybe if they weren't high.

02:04:02.000 No, that's the old joke.

02:04:03.000 The cop pulls you over.

02:04:04.000 Do you know why I pulled you over?

02:04:05.000 You're going three miles an hour.

02:04:06.000 Yeah, you're parked. 0.98

02:04:08.000 But even then, every once in a while, I've been trying to write down lately every time I do something stupid when I'm not high. 0.61

02:04:16.000 I'm not high maybe an hour out of every day, so it's a small window.

02:04:20.000 Is that the way that you do your taxes?

02:04:22.000 Yeah.

02:04:23.000 I could do my taxes high, too.

02:04:24.000 I mean, I used to.

02:04:25.000 Now I have an accountant.

02:04:26.000 Doesn't it freak you out, though?

02:04:27.000 It does, but you double-check it.

02:04:29.000 This is your tax to the Overlord.

02:04:30.000 It's like when you're high and you're leaving a hotel room.

02:04:32.000 You pace around the room three or four times to make sure you've got all of your items, and then one time out of five, you left something behind and you're just going to have to buy it.

02:04:41.000 Check your pocket for $20 to buy a new iPhone adapter at the airport.

02:04:46.000 Power adapter.

02:04:47.000 I lose it every time I leave the house.

02:04:49.000 But it's more than $20, those things.

02:04:50.000 Yeah.

02:04:51.000 They're pricey.

02:04:51.000 They're like $100.

02:04:52.000 Are they really?

02:04:53.000 Yeah.

02:04:53.000 But what I did was...

02:04:54.000 An iPhone power adapter's $100?

02:04:57.000 Or no, you know, for the laptop.

02:04:59.000 Laptop adapters.

02:05:00.000 Laptop ones are like, you know, those ones with the big white square.

02:05:04.000 Okay.

02:05:05.000 But those things, I, you know, lost a couple over the years.

02:05:09.000 And then I just finally got wise and bought two.

02:05:13.000 And I travel with one and have one at home.

02:05:15.000 Yeah, I do the same thing.

02:05:17.000 I have a laptop power adapter.

02:05:19.000 At least when I get back home, it's there and I'm ready to go.

02:05:21.000 I was so confused.

02:05:22.000 I thought you guys were talking about iPhone adapters. 0.91

02:05:24.000 I'm like, how the fuck do they charge $100 for that little thing?

02:05:26.000 Those are probably like $30, though. 0.98

02:05:27.000 Probably.

02:05:28.000 Or $20.

02:05:29.000 Apple just released a recall on power adapters, and it's funny.

02:05:33.000 It's about time they did something about this, because I've seen this on both my power adapters for laptops and iPhones, where the cord kind of comes out of the plug.

02:05:42.000 Have you seen that?

02:05:43.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:05:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:05:44.000 And so finally, they're recalling it right now.

02:05:47.000 Well, the new ones are much more sturdy.

02:05:48.000 We've seen the new ones.

02:05:49.000 They're like way sturdy.

02:05:51.000 Yeah, technology, man, it's adapting. 0.99

02:05:54.000 That seems to be the fucking bottleneck, though, is battery life. 0.91

02:05:56.000 The real battery life, you know, you have to be connected to power. 0.98

02:06:00.000 You know, real battery life is just not substantial enough.

02:06:02.000 They're giving us more power everywhere now. 0.96

02:06:04.000 Yeah, but the real question is, will there ever be some sort of an infinite battery source or some sort of an amazing battery source where shit lasts forever? 0.84

02:06:14.000 We'll be able to print power. 0.91

02:06:16.000 Yeah.

02:06:16.000 I mean, how can you do that, though?

02:06:18.000 How is something storing power, you know?

02:06:21.000 It would have to be like a nuclear laptop.

02:06:23.000 It would have to be solar or something.

02:06:23.000 Yeah.

02:06:24.000 Something like that.

02:06:26.000 But I'm pretty cool with how it is.

02:06:28.000 I don't get caught off guard by my computer running out of...

02:06:32.000 Look, I'm amazed that it works at all.

02:06:34.000 The whole device is incredible.

02:06:36.000 Especially, I know a lot of people...

02:06:38.000 I had a conversation with this very intelligent lady, but she was talking to me about Windows.

02:06:43.000 And she only uses Windows. 1.00

02:06:44.000 And the reason why she only uses Windows is because she doesn't like being told what form she buys her computers in. 0.98

02:06:50.000 She wants to be able to pick her own parts and different things.

02:06:53.000 And I understand that.

02:06:54.000 But the rational part of me goes, yeah, but Macs don't have viruses, and they work better.

02:06:59.000 Done.

02:06:59.000 That conversation's over.

02:07:01.000 Like, yeah, I would rather, you know, anybody, but the reason why they work so good is because there's not a billion different douchebags making these computers with all these different parts, and, you know, then the operating system has to figure out How the drivers to each individual device work and how they work together. 0.95

02:07:18.000 I just think Windows is a shitty operating system.

02:07:20.000 It used to be good and then they went to... 0.98

02:07:22.000 XP was good.

02:07:23.000 What is it at now?

02:07:23.000 Windows 8?

02:07:24.000 Is it 7 or 8?

02:07:25.000 7. I just think it's shitty. 0.97

02:07:28.000 I don't like it. 0.88

02:07:29.000 I like...

02:07:29.000 OS X. And then when it comes to most things you buy for your computer nowadays, everything's USB, Firewire.

02:07:36.000 You don't have to have...

02:07:38.000 What are you really doing?

02:07:40.000 Look, if you didn't have a computer, Windows would be awesome.

02:07:43.000 If somebody gave you a Windows 7 computer in 1995, you would shoot a load all over your keyboard.

02:07:49.000 You would be so excited.

02:07:50.000 But things have changed drastically.

02:07:52.000 I felt that way about Kong at one point.

02:07:55.000 Totally.

02:07:55.000 I remember.

02:07:57.000 Remember?

02:07:57.000 You couldn't believe you were actually controlling that white line.

02:07:59.000 You were controlling movement on a screen.

02:08:01.000 And it's fun to get good at it.

02:08:02.000 That was another one I was good at.

02:08:04.000 Pong?

02:08:05.000 Yeah, real good at it.

02:08:06.000 The one where you play against the machine or whatever?

02:08:08.000 I was great at that.

02:08:10.000 Really?

02:08:10.000 Yeah.

02:08:11.000 What a waste of time.

02:08:13.000 This is pre-stoner days too, right?

02:08:14.000 That was the one I was really good at.

02:08:15.000 My parents used to go to a...

02:08:17.000 Yeah, way pre-stoner days.

02:08:18.000 My parents used to go to a bar at a golf course.

02:08:22.000 There was also a restaurant.

02:08:23.000 So they'd hang out there and they'd just bring me along or whatever. 0.98

02:08:27.000 It was almost like my babysitter was playing with the fucking Pong machine while my parents had some cocktails. 0.98

02:08:35.000 And I got so good at that. 0.93

02:08:37.000 And also you used to be able to get free games on pong by the metal thing in the front that you that you put the quarters into the slot if you rubbed your feet on the ground on carpeting and built up static electricity and then had like a piece of metal in your hand like a quarter you could tap it just right and it would throw credits on the on of the machine.

02:08:58.000 What?

02:08:58.000 Yeah, yeah, I did it all the time.

02:09:00.000 I remember that.

02:09:02.000 That is crazy!

02:09:03.000 Through my life, I've always found all these weird scams that eventually, like, not only do they not save you a whole lot in the first place, just 25 cents, but they also, over time, become worthless.

02:09:14.000 But it's weird, the little skills you pick up just to cheat the...

02:09:18.000 Like the skee-ball scam, where you just bend over and put it in the 50. And you just keep on getting those tickets and...

02:09:23.000 You put it in the 50?

02:09:25.000 Yeah.

02:09:25.000 Oh, you bend over instead of throwing it?

02:09:28.000 Yeah, you just put it in there.

02:09:29.000 That's weird.

02:09:30.000 Why would you want those tickets?

02:09:32.000 You really want a stuffed animal that bad?

02:09:33.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:09:34.000 Oh, God, it takes so many tickets to win anything of value.

02:09:37.000 There was always like one, like a beatbox, like a, you know... 0.99

02:09:41.000 Yeah, you can't help but feel like you got fucked. 0.94

02:09:43.000 ...that we'd call the day, and yeah, you can't save up to get that many tickets. 0.99

02:09:47.000 A million tickets for this one. 1.00

02:09:49.000 Yeah, you're thinking about how much money you spent, how much time of your life has gone rolling a stupid ball. 0.99

02:09:54.000 All the things I've done that take time, like the amount of time I've spent playing poker, the amount of time I've spent watching dumb movies. 0.99

02:10:01.000 Are you a road poker player?

02:10:03.000 Do you go to casinos when you do the road?

02:10:05.000 Just when I'm in a gambling town.

02:10:07.000 Yeah, like where?

02:10:07.000 I don't seek out casinos everywhere I go, because a lot of places have them now because of Indian grounds or because they're on a boat on the river.

02:10:15.000 But I only go if I'm playing the casino or...

02:10:20.000 Or live across the street from it.

02:10:22.000 That's part of what I love about going to see UFC in Vegas is it gets me away from the tables for like five hours.

02:10:29.000 Really?

02:10:29.000 Yeah, because I'll just sit and play and play and play.

02:10:32.000 I love it, but it's such a waste of time.

02:10:36.000 At this point in my life, the thrill of winning a hand isn't really the same because I don't need the money as bad.

02:10:43.000 Right.

02:10:44.000 You know, back when I was playing, when I was like, you know, I could pay for, you know, rent next month if I win this hand.

02:10:50.000 It was a lot more exciting.

02:10:53.000 Well, Ari Shafir, at one point in time, was winning more money playing poker than he was making and doing comedy.

02:10:58.000 He was doing well.

02:10:59.000 He's a good player.

02:11:00.000 I only played, like, we were in the same table in one tournament once, I think, but I... I got a vibe off of him like he really knows what he's doing.

02:11:08.000 There's still things that professional poker players could teach me that I could stand to learn, but I'm just too lazy to learn all the kind of calculations you should be making during each hand, like exactly how much to bet and all that stuff.

02:11:24.000 I'm just goofing around.

02:11:27.000 You're just having fun.

02:11:28.000 You're not trying to be the best poker player in the world. 1.00

02:11:30.000 No, but I'm also trying to win through just playing like an asshole. 1.00

02:11:34.000 Do you ever play chess? 1.00

02:11:35.000 I did, you know, when I was younger.

02:11:37.000 I haven't in a long time.

02:11:39.000 That's a great obsession game.

02:11:41.000 That game can drive people deep into the hole.

02:11:44.000 Yeah, you could spend a lot of time on that.

02:11:46.000 Yeah, you can go crazy.

02:11:47.000 You can really go mad playing chess.

02:11:48.000 Because for certain people, it absorbs their everyday, like they'll be walking down the street and they'll be thinking about moves.

02:11:54.000 Like it starts getting to a point where, you know, you see a direct result between the more concentrated you are, the more you concentrate on it, the more you focus on it, the more you start winning and the better you get at playing chess and then you just go, you get lost, then you're crazy.

02:12:08.000 Yeah, see that's what I don't do in poker is I don't sit there and evaluate how everyone else is playing and what their personalities are and what he did on that hand and then what he did on the next hand.

02:12:19.000 I'm just playing in the moment and I know good cards when I see them or when I have a good chance of drawing a winning hand and I just sort of...

02:12:30.000 I did a movie once, and the guy who was renting out the house, they rent out, you know, you want to shoot a movie in a house, you can rent someone's house, like people offer him for rent.

02:12:37.000 And this guy was a professional chess player.

02:12:40.000 And so, you know, a lot of downtime starting a movie.

02:12:43.000 So I'd go hang out with this guy and talk to him, try to figure out what he was doing.

02:12:46.000 And he was playing chess online, you know, with all these different people. 0.97

02:12:50.000 And he was like some super fucking master chess player. 0.84

02:12:53.000 So it was fascinating that he's got this giant community of, apparently, you could just get chess games. 0.97

02:12:59.000 Like any time of the day, any time of the night online, whatever level you're at.

02:13:03.000 You know, and there's people from all over the world that will play chess with you.

02:13:06.000 The same thing with Scrabble.

02:13:08.000 Really? 1.00

02:13:09.000 People are fucking nuts with the Scrabble. 1.00

02:13:11.000 Oh, they play a Scrabble computer game? 1.00

02:13:13.000 Yeah, Words with Friends.

02:13:13.000 Like where they're playing against people all over the place, so you can do it any time you want.

02:13:19.000 That's part of what I love about Twitter, is if I am up in the middle of the night and not asleep for some reason because I've got to go to the airport or whatever, can't sleep, It's so great that, like, the fact that it's international, once you get a certain number of followers, you can, like, you know, I'm sure some people go on Twitter and they're pissed because, you know, nobody that they follow is saying anything or writing back to them, but it's just so, it's such a 24-hour show.

02:13:46.000 Yeah, it's like a chat room.

02:13:47.000 Yeah, where you don't have to chat with people.

02:13:50.000 You can just read what people are saying and pick and choose what you want to respond to.

02:13:54.000 The 24-hour aspect is really interesting when you're flying, when you're in England or Europe or something like that.

02:13:58.000 The times are all screwed up and weird.

02:14:01.000 But you can constantly be tweeting.

02:14:03.000 Yeah, and it kind of replaces texting all your friends about what you're doing.

02:14:08.000 You just send a tweet.

02:14:10.000 That's not going to wake somebody up.

02:14:11.000 You don't want to text, oh, I'm at Buckingham Palace.

02:14:15.000 They're trying to sleep and the phone's going off.

02:14:17.000 It's a good way to...

02:14:18.000 I use it as a texting device.

02:14:20.000 When I think somebody might not be awake, I just write to them a direct message on Twitter instead of texting them.

02:14:27.000 Oh, do you really?

02:14:28.000 I don't check those enough.

02:14:30.000 Yeah, I know.

02:14:31.000 You're really slow to get back on those.

02:14:32.000 Yeah, sometimes I don't check them for weeks.

02:14:36.000 It's funny when you write direct messages to people.

02:14:38.000 Sometimes they just don't even know that that's a thing that can happen.

02:14:40.000 I do that with a voicemail now.

02:14:41.000 I don't ever listen to my voicemails. 0.98

02:14:43.000 And it's probably the dumbest thing ever.

02:14:45.000 But that, to me, is just annoying now. 0.99

02:14:48.000 I went to one guy.

02:14:48.000 One guy tweeted me.

02:14:50.000 One guy tweeted me.

02:14:51.000 It was like, it's a shame. 1.00

02:14:53.000 Whose fucking phone is on? 0.99

02:14:54.000 That was me. 1.00

02:14:55.000 That would wake a person up.

02:14:57.000 Yeah, that's brutal. 1.00

02:14:58.000 Why don't you have that bitch on vibrate? 1.00

02:15:01.000 He's not used to doing podcasts. 0.99

02:15:02.000 One guy tweeted me.

02:15:04.000 One guy tweeted me something.

02:15:07.000 It was on vibrate.

02:15:08.000 It wasn't me.

02:15:09.000 It was?

02:15:10.000 Yeah, see that's vibrate. 1.00

02:15:12.000 Shit's broken, son. 0.99

02:15:13.000 Yeah, it's got a weird quirk to it. 0.99

02:15:16.000 It's because you don't have a case on it. 1.00

02:15:17.000 You dropped that bitch. 1.00

02:15:18.000 Tell the truth. 1.00

02:15:19.000 No?

02:15:20.000 I've done pretty good at not dropping it.

02:15:21.000 It's my baby, you know.

02:15:23.000 I don't drop it.

02:15:25.000 This guy tweeted me, you know, it's a shame that you can't reply and say something for help the troops. 0.98

02:15:32.000 It was like really weird, like phonetically all fucked up. 0.82

02:15:36.000 And it was all caps to support the troops. 0.94

02:15:39.000 Exclamation point, exclamation point, one, one, one. 0.99

02:15:43.000 And then I go, wow, what the fuck? 0.99

02:15:45.000 This guy expects me to reply. 0.99

02:15:47.000 I have a half a million Twitter followers, dude.

02:15:49.000 Sometimes I don't look at it all day.

02:15:51.000 There's no way I can respond to everybody.

02:15:53.000 It's impossible.

02:15:54.000 I do.

02:15:54.000 So then I thought, you're awesome.

02:15:56.000 Every single person.

02:15:56.000 You're absolutely awesome.

02:15:57.000 You write the letter.

02:15:58.000 So then I go to...

02:15:58.000 Not every single person, but quite a few.

02:16:01.000 I go to his Twitter page, and that's the same message he sent to literally a thousand people.

02:16:07.000 He just like...

02:16:08.000 Oh yeah, you go look at any time somebody writes something to you that you're wondering about their personality or whatever, you can go and see everything else they've written.

02:16:16.000 I love doing that. 0.60

02:16:17.000 I hate it when it's like, if it says at Doug Benson, at Joe Rogan, at Red Band, some shit, and it's like, well, no, that's what happens. 0.99

02:16:26.000 That's what happens. 0.95

02:16:27.000 It's fine when it's my actual friends are thrown in there like we all have common interests.

02:16:32.000 But when somebody just throws in random princess so-and-so...

02:16:39.000 Well, that's just a made-up thing.

02:16:41.000 Or like people write Snoop Dogg and Doug Benson, you know, something about pot that they think we both need to know.

02:16:51.000 But when they just throw in, like, when it's just to me and Kim Kardashian and, you know, Brian Williams from NBC News or whatever, like some weird combination of, you know...

02:17:01.000 On the fringe celebrity.

02:17:04.000 It's such a turn-off.

02:17:06.000 It makes you want to just not respond to them.

02:17:08.000 And then you go look at their page and they're just randomly picking names.

02:17:12.000 And that's how they do a lot of spam now on Twitter.

02:17:19.000 As soon as you get a message that seems like an ad, then you check their page, and it's just sending that same thing.

02:17:26.000 I've talked about this already on the podcast, so in the interest of brevity.

02:17:30.000 I got hacked.

02:17:32.000 I must have clicked on some link to get some Twitter picture or something like that.

02:17:39.000 And somehow or another, they tweeted from my account about some contest for an iPad 2.

02:17:45.000 And I was following them all of a sudden.

02:17:47.000 I was like, wow, this is amazing.

02:17:49.000 They hacked into my Twitter account.

02:17:51.000 Apparently, it was probably some red tape or some fine print, rather, when you agree to accept some Twitter application.

02:18:00.000 It happens every day.

02:18:03.000 Not every day, but pretty frequently, I'll see one of my more famous friends or people I follow just because I'm curious about them that...

02:18:10.000 Tweeting something. 0.93

02:18:11.000 They'll tweet something odd or something that seems like an ad, and then the next tweet is like, oh shit, I got hacked. 0.96

02:18:16.000 Did you see when Ashton Kutcher was tweeting that he was upset about Paterno being fired? 0.97

02:18:23.000 Yeah, because all he reacted to, and I'm sure that's what a lot of people reacted to, was just hearing that this amazing coach got fired just very suddenly.

02:18:35.000 And he didn't stop to think, wow, that big of a move?

02:18:38.000 Like, why would Penn State fire a guy so suddenly if something really terrible didn't happen?

02:18:44.000 But he still went on and tweeted...

02:18:47.000 Oh, man, that's a bummer, or something like that.

02:18:49.000 Yeah, he was pissed off.

02:18:50.000 Oh, we love you, Joe Pa.

02:18:51.000 I would take a shower with him.

02:18:53.000 Yeah, yeah, and then...

02:18:54.000 That's the other guy.

02:18:55.000 But then he did, I guess, kind of a good thing to spin it. 1.00

02:18:58.000 He retweeted every person that wrote to him, you're an asshole, you're an idiot, and he'd just write in each one something like, yeah, I'm sorry, I just didn't know all the facts. 1.00

02:19:07.000 He sort of responded to a lot of people and showed a lot of the vitriol that was happening. 1.00

02:19:13.000 You mean a staff at Foxconn responded?

02:19:16.000 Yeah.

02:19:16.000 It seemed like something he really did.

02:19:19.000 There's a whole factory of people responding to Ashton Kutcher on Twitter.

02:19:23.000 Can you imagine?

02:19:24.000 He has all these Chinese workers.

02:19:25.000 The ones they use in World of Warcraft to build up your energy. 0.98

02:19:30.000 They send your account overseas and some Chinese guy plays with it until he fucking starves to death. 1.00

02:19:35.000 Push his body aside and throw some new student onto the block. 0.99

02:19:39.000 I'm not cynical enough to think that Ashton didn't do it himself.

02:19:44.000 Because it Because it all happened in such real time.

02:19:47.000 Right.

02:19:47.000 He just has so many people that I can't believe.

02:19:49.000 It seems like to me that when you're a celebrity that's involved in a public scandal like he has, you know, like his most latest one, it seems interesting that he's tweeting people at all, you know?

02:19:59.000 It's like you would think if you're going to...

02:20:01.000 You're going to read any of the replies.

02:20:04.000 You're going to get a lot of people that are going to ask you a bunch of questions that you don't want to answer.

02:20:08.000 Do you really want to just go out there and interconnect with people?

02:20:11.000 But I guess he does.

02:20:12.000 Well, that's the amazing thing.

02:20:15.000 How important is it to try to feel like you're getting your side of it out when you think you're misunderstood?

02:20:22.000 You know, and at a certain point in time, a lot of people's Twitters become very impersonal.

02:20:27.000 You know, when the numbers get too big, it seems like people take less chances.

02:20:30.000 They say less things that are controversial.

02:20:33.000 A million people writing back to you that you shouldn't have used a certain slur or something when you were trying to, the joke was how inappropriate what you're writing is.

02:20:42.000 Like I'll sometimes, if I think of something really dark, I'll just, I'll just, you know, drop it in the middle of the night because a lot of stuff just gets sort of lost in the Twitterverse, you know, like nobody's sitting, most people don't sit and read every single thing written by every single person they follow that because a lot of people follow a thousand most people don't sit and read every single thing written by It's impossible.

02:21:01.000 So you're just in this kind of rushing stream of comments, and sometimes they'll land on you because they like you more than other people they follow or whatever.

02:21:09.000 But sometimes they'll also, like anything that looks like you're just promoting a gig, they might just breeze past it.

02:21:15.000 Every time I play a town, like the day after on Twitter, someone will write to me, when are you coming to?

02:21:21.000 And it's that town I was just in and had just been tweeting about.

02:21:25.000 But it's just you can't expect everybody to...

02:21:28.000 To see everything.

02:21:29.000 It's hard to, I mean, think that you're going to communicate.

02:21:31.000 I mean, you've got to hope that your Twitter is interesting enough that people are going to lock onto it, you know, and you're going to hope that you build some sort of a community there, and then they're going to be able to follow you on your website, or follow you at your shows, or look through your tweets to find out where you're at, or, you know, do you have a little schedule on your Twitter page?

02:21:49.000 So if you go to your Twitter page, you can see what the upcoming dates are.

02:21:52.000 I have a, you know, a link to a site where I've got all my dates, but What do you guys think about this new business they have on there with all the activity following?

02:22:03.000 Activity following?

02:22:04.000 I like it.

02:22:05.000 You haven't even clicked on that yet?

02:22:07.000 There's a word activity now on the top of your page.

02:22:09.000 And if you click on it, you see just a list of everybody you follow, what they're up to.

02:22:16.000 That's ridiculous.

02:22:17.000 Who they've retweeted, who they're following. 0.99

02:22:19.000 It's ridiculous.

02:22:19.000 Too much information.

02:22:20.000 And it tells you you get to find out now as soon as somebody follows you.

02:22:25.000 Do you do that?

02:22:25.000 Yeah, I saw that, yeah.

02:22:26.000 That's cool.

02:22:27.000 Because that's kind of interesting.

02:22:28.000 That's by default, I believe.

02:22:28.000 Because then you can, if you're just sitting there looking at it and it comes up that somebody just started following you, it's kind of cool to just immediately send them some sort of, hey, welcome, hope you like it kind of message.

02:22:38.000 Especially if she's got big tits. 1.00

02:22:40.000 Well, dude, yeah. 1.00

02:22:41.000 Tell me what you do.

02:22:42.000 How do you work at Doug Benson?

02:22:44.000 It's 2 o'clock in the morning.

02:22:45.000 It's 2 o'clock in the morning.

02:22:46.000 Okay, here's the scenario.

02:22:47.000 You're alone.

02:22:48.000 Stone to the gills.

02:22:50.000 Right. 0.95

02:22:50.000 Okay, and you're just like checking out Twitter and some really ridiculously hot suicide girl. 0.95

02:22:57.000 Starts following me.

02:22:58.000 Weird tattoos just starts following you.

02:23:00.000 You know, I might write back and say, you know, hey, what's up?

02:23:05.000 Or...

02:23:06.000 Hey, what's up?

02:23:07.000 Hello?

02:23:08.000 Or whatever.

02:23:08.000 So what'd you do?

02:23:09.000 Just reach out.

02:23:09.000 Just reach out to somebody and see what happens.

02:23:11.000 Just a little hi.

02:23:12.000 Just a little, hey, what's up?

02:23:13.000 Nothing incriminating.

02:23:14.000 Nothing creepy.

02:23:15.000 Yeah, and then often what'll come back is, I can't direct message you because you don't follow me.

02:23:20.000 And then my next direct message says, the system works!

02:23:24.000 And then you see how different people handle it different ways.

02:23:29.000 Some people get pissed off right away and don't want to deal with somebody where their half of the conversation is public, but your half is private.

02:23:38.000 Uh-huh.

02:23:39.000 What else am I going to do?

02:23:40.000 I'm not on Twitter to have conversations with other people in front of all of my followers. 0.99

02:23:46.000 Unless you're fucking with them, it's not interesting to read. 0.93

02:23:49.000 Why don't you just follow them for a little while and then unfollow them? 0.99

02:23:52.000 It's your precious 420 number that you're trying to protect.

02:23:55.000 But no, then I really will play a game where if there's somebody that I want to follow, I will add them and then go through the list and see who's going to go.

02:24:04.000 It's usually somebody that I follow that just ultimately their tweets haven't been that interesting because they're like, you know, I follow crazy super famous people just because I think it could be interesting.

02:24:15.000 And some I cling to.

02:24:16.000 Like, I love following Alec Baldwin.

02:24:18.000 I think he's really entertaining.

02:24:20.000 Yeah?

02:24:21.000 Yeah, and...

02:24:22.000 I don't follow him, I don't think.

02:24:23.000 But I gave up on Kutcher.

02:24:24.000 I followed Kutcher for a while and then stopped.

02:24:27.000 Blasphemy.

02:24:27.000 Me too.

02:24:27.000 I stopped a long time ago.

02:24:29.000 Me too.

02:24:29.000 Why?

02:24:29.000 Because he just tweets a lot, and for a while there was just a lot of back and forth with Demi Moore that was just kind of like, they were being way too cute.

02:24:36.000 Like the whole time you're like, this relationship's not going to last.

02:24:38.000 They're putting way too much effort into pretending, or not pretending, maybe actually being in love with each other, but they just won't shut up about it.

02:24:45.000 How can you maintain that as a couple? 0.57

02:24:47.000 PDA on Twitter is gross. 0.63

02:24:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:24:49.000 What if she's a lesbian and he's like her beard? 1.00

02:24:55.000 No, I think they probably fucked. 1.00

02:24:57.000 I think they had creepy, weird sex where Bruce came in and licked Ashton's asshole and stuff like that. 1.00

02:25:04.000 Brian, you just ruined everything. 1.00

02:25:06.000 You just ruined everything with your nonsense. 0.99

02:25:08.000 They're all buddy-buddy. 0.98

02:25:09.000 No, he's mad at Ashton now.

02:25:11.000 Oh, now.

02:25:11.000 Because Ashton's supposedly having affairs.

02:25:13.000 Yeah.

02:25:13.000 Oh, so now they don't talk?

02:25:14.000 Uncle Bruce is going to kick him out?

02:25:16.000 But that's the funny thing.

02:25:18.000 TV viewers instantly forgive the whole thing about him having affairs, but...

02:25:23.000 That show, the ratings might have come down a little bit from jumping out in favor of Joe Pa at the wrong moment.

02:25:32.000 That's what's amazing to me about the whole Penn State story.

02:25:36.000 That is only one notch above the worst thing a person could do, probably.

02:25:42.000 It's right there.

02:25:44.000 I don't even want to think about what's below it.

02:25:49.000 Everyone's disgusted by it, but there still managed to be some people that That are just, you know, defending in some weird way, you know, the people that were involved in the story.

02:26:02.000 Yeah, you can't.

02:26:03.000 You know, I was saying how weird it is that the guy's name was Officer, or it was McQueary, the guy who found him in the hotel room together.

02:26:11.000 Which, that whole thing now is falling apart.

02:26:12.000 His story is not matching what supposedly happened at the time, and Which guy, McQuarrie?

02:26:17.000 Yeah, he's saying now that he did go to police officers and that they proceeded to not follow through.

02:26:25.000 Uh-oh. 0.93

02:26:25.000 Because initially, he's just sick of getting all this shit about people saying that he just went to Joe Pa and he didn't go to the cops. 0.93

02:26:33.000 So he did go to the cops. 0.97

02:26:34.000 But now he's saying he did.

02:26:34.000 Oh my God.

02:26:35.000 But he testified, you know, because this guy's gone through, you know, people had to testify for and against Sandusky before on earlier charges.

02:26:45.000 Right.

02:26:45.000 Yeah, this is crazy.

02:26:46.000 And so at that time, supposedly the report was that he didn't speak to any cops, and now he's saying he did.

02:26:53.000 So it's one of those complicated, horrifying stories that it may never end in our lifetimes.

02:27:01.000 It may just go on and on and on, just because getting to the bottom of everything that happened I heard someone tell someone else a theory that I heard that is just absolutely mortifying.

02:27:17.000 You know this guy Sandusky worked with a children's charity and those were the kids he was bringing to the games and they show pictures of him leaning on these kids and they've got little football helmets on.

02:27:28.000 It's crazy that he was showering with them at all.

02:27:30.000 The kids and him, neither one of them are playing in a game.

02:27:34.000 So why do they even need...

02:27:36.000 What's the pretense for being in the showers?

02:27:39.000 Yeah.

02:27:39.000 Like right there.

02:27:41.000 The guy's...

02:27:42.000 How guilty could he be? 0.71

02:27:43.000 You know, like I don't care if he actually had sex with him. 0.65

02:27:47.000 He's just setting up that scenario makes him a creep that shouldn't be allowed to do that. 0.91

02:27:51.000 Yeah.

02:27:51.000 And with kids, with these kids that are poor and, you know, and from foster homes or whatever, you know, this charity...

02:27:59.000 What the fuck's going on? 0.60

02:28:03.000 things to and it's probably being taken to a football game is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to them and they also don't necessarily understand the implications of what he's doing to them when he physically attacks them. 0.98

02:28:15.000 Are those photos real of his house like being in the same like the backyard of an elementary school?

02:28:21.000 Have you seen that?

02:28:22.000 I'm not surprised.

02:28:23.000 I mean, I know they're...

02:28:24.000 It shows, like, an elementary school and a little bit of woods and then a house and then supposedly, I don't know if it was just a joke, but supposedly that's his house, like, on the other side of this little woods.

02:28:33.000 And I'm thinking, like, that woods is probably, like, that scene in, like, Human Centipede where, like, they go and they find this house in the middle of the other side of the woods and there's, like, a creepy guy that lives in there and molests kids.

02:28:42.000 Like, come to...

02:28:43.000 You know, he probably like sneaks through the forest and spies on kids at the elementary school and it's just like this creepy rape force.

02:28:50.000 We all just start talking and just go.

02:28:53.000 It's hilarious. 0.98

02:28:54.000 Yeah, that's ridiculous. 1.00

02:28:55.000 When you're fucking high, you just start talking about something. 0.99

02:28:57.000 Because I never even got to my point, which was that there's a lot of rich people that also pump money into this charity because this guy told them to. 0.99

02:29:07.000 And so this one law enforcement officer, who I think probably has a good idea about these things, suggested the notion that this guy was grooming kids for boosters to fool around with.

02:29:18.000 Oh my god.

02:29:20.000 Like there was a whole ring of headphones.

02:29:22.000 Yeah, like he had a whole system.

02:29:25.000 That's a possibility.

02:29:26.000 Oh my god.

02:29:27.000 Like this thing is going to get so twisted and deep.

02:29:30.000 Jesus Christ.

02:29:33.000 It's amazing that he got away with it as long as he did. 0.97

02:29:35.000 And the only way he got away with it for 19 years, 20 years, whatever the fuck it was, is if people knew and didn't say anything. 0.98

02:29:41.000 Period. 0.99

02:29:42.000 It was the institution.

02:29:43.000 It was everyone afraid of losing their jobs, losing the game, losing their...

02:29:49.000 They're everything.

02:29:50.000 It's so important to them.

02:29:52.000 I mean, they rioted when he got fired.

02:29:54.000 You saw the riots, right?

02:29:55.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

02:29:56.000 They were Ashton Kutcher.

02:29:58.000 Ashton Kutcher would have flipped a car over if he was there.

02:30:00.000 Because the story just got quickly more and more horrifying, but they just reacted immediately.

02:30:07.000 That he was fired.

02:30:08.000 Yeah, as soon as he was like...

02:30:09.000 How horrific must it be?

02:30:11.000 Also, for him to come out and say, this is horrible, I'm going to finish out the season and then retire...

02:30:16.000 Like, his first move should have been, I'm out of here. 0.99

02:30:19.000 Like, I'm going to retire and I fucked up. 0.95

02:30:21.000 But saying, I'm going to finish out the season, that gave everyone, like, this hope that, like, they were going to have a great championship season and then worry about this later. 0.99

02:30:32.000 And so then when they turned around and really, you know, he ended up being fired or resigned or whatever, however it went down, that's when they started flipping shit over.

02:30:39.000 If this story was in a book, it would be too fantastic. 0.93

02:30:43.000 He'd be like, this is too crazy.

02:30:45.000 This is not something that could happen.

02:30:45.000 No, it's like a Stephen King book.

02:30:47.000 Yeah, it is, really.

02:30:48.000 It really is.

02:30:49.000 It really is.

02:30:50.000 You would think there's no way that could happen for this long.

02:30:52.000 There's no way it could go on for 20 years and he could just keep getting away with it and keep mining these...

02:30:57.000 The children have such shame and confusion by the incident that they never tell anyone.

02:31:04.000 How many kids?

02:31:05.000 It's also kids.

02:31:07.000 Most of this stuff happens with kids that are familiar with the person that attacks them.

02:31:13.000 It's rarely an abject stranger who gets in their life and quickly does something horrible. 1.00

02:31:18.000 Yeah, we actually spent a good deal of time talking about this in the podcast last night, or last time, about how there were some emails back and forth from some priests where they actually talked about getting boys from troubled homes.

02:31:32.000 Getting boys who don't have good connections to their family, they don't have anyone to count on, get them.

02:31:37.000 They go after them and groom them. 1.00

02:31:40.000 Some dark shit, man. 1.00

02:31:43.000 Yeah, so this Sandusky guy, like we were making fun of earlier, his side of the story talking to Bob Costas was ridiculous. 1.00

02:31:53.000 It was scary.

02:31:54.000 Bob Costas is so good at those interviews, too.

02:31:56.000 I just wish he would have said, why did you need to shower at all?

02:32:00.000 Yeah, that's a good question.

02:32:02.000 Why is no one asking that? 0.98

02:32:02.000 That's ridiculous. 0.98

02:32:03.000 Yeah, that's a really good question. 0.87

02:32:04.000 Well, I think everybody...

02:32:05.000 But he did press him pretty hard.

02:32:07.000 He did. 1.00

02:32:08.000 I think everybody assumes that guy fucks kids. 0.99

02:32:10.000 I think everybody's assuming that. 0.99

02:32:12.000 But they have to be careful in how they proceed with questioning him.

02:32:17.000 No, that's what they're saying.

02:32:18.000 They're saying that he did this radio interview to spin the court of public opinion. 0.97

02:32:23.000 That's ridiculous. 0.77

02:32:24.000 You know, but I think it just made it worse. 0.98

02:32:27.000 Way, way, way, way worse.

02:32:28.000 Way worse.

02:32:29.000 Because he went into it with the hubris and the confidence of thinking that as long as I just go in there and deny it, at least some people might believe me.

02:32:37.000 Yes.

02:32:38.000 But then saying, just being such a creep and saying like, I just love being around children.

02:32:42.000 No, the answer is no.

02:32:43.000 I would never do that to a child.

02:32:45.000 Yeah.

02:32:46.000 That's the answer.

02:32:47.000 Isn't there...

02:32:47.000 Are there parents that are going to try to murder him now?

02:32:50.000 I'm sure.

02:32:51.000 Oh, yeah.

02:32:51.000 No, that's the thing.

02:32:52.000 I'm sure, right?

02:32:53.000 I think not only is the media outside his house now, I think that's another crazy thing. 0.96

02:32:57.000 Letting him go on bail is ridiculous. 0.91

02:33:00.000 I mean, certainly in jail, I don't think they treat child predators very well. 0.98

02:33:04.000 They don't.

02:33:04.000 Yeah, you have to isolate that guy.

02:33:06.000 But isolate him in a jail.

02:33:07.000 Letting him go on bail, I don't get that at all.

02:33:10.000 I think that guy's going to ice himself.

02:33:11.000 He might ice himself or get out of And his access to kids and showers have to be limited at least to a couple hours a week or something like that.

02:33:18.000 Access to kids and showers.

02:33:19.000 He can't do it daily. 1.00

02:33:21.000 Shut up! 1.00

02:33:21.000 Yeah, because that was what happened to him the first time around is they took away his key to the showers. 1.00

02:33:25.000 What?

02:33:26.000 What?

02:33:26.000 Yeah.

02:33:27.000 They took away his key to the showers.

02:33:28.000 That's what the school did.

02:33:29.000 Really?

02:33:29.000 Because the first time it happened, they believed him when he said it was just horseplay.

02:33:33.000 There was no...

02:33:34.000 So he had to only do hot tubs after that?

02:33:37.000 Oh my god.

02:33:38.000 He had to find a new venue.

02:33:40.000 Well, he takes them to hotel rooms.

02:33:41.000 That's what he does.

02:33:42.000 He brought kids with him on the road.

02:33:44.000 They were staying with him.

02:33:46.000 It's such an amazing cover.

02:33:50.000 I always joke around on stage about how, wouldn't it be funny if I did all I've done to create this idea that I'm a podcomic and it turns out I'm a cop and at all my shows everybody gets arrested?

02:34:03.000 That's funny.

02:34:05.000 You know, like a giant sting operation.

02:34:08.000 A lot of people in the pot movement are probably undercover cops.

02:34:11.000 You think?

02:34:11.000 Yeah, there was one that died in a motorcycle accident.

02:34:14.000 He would meet at this, it was like a normal chapter, one of those groups, you know, and he was a local guy and he was in this group and died in a motorcycle accident.

02:34:26.000 It turned out he was a cop and he was undercover the entire time.

02:34:30.000 Or maybe just enjoying himself?

02:34:32.000 I don't think so.

02:34:33.000 I think that was his job.

02:34:34.000 I think that's what came out of the story.

02:34:35.000 There's a lot of advocates that don't smoke.

02:34:36.000 Of course.

02:34:37.000 Yeah.

02:34:38.000 Which is an interesting, like, those people are like saints to me.

02:34:41.000 Like, why go to all this trouble for something that you're not doing?

02:34:44.000 But they see the big picture.

02:34:45.000 Yeah, it's a freedom issue.

02:34:47.000 The main issue is, well, why would anybody be able to tell you what you can't do?

02:34:51.000 Someone telling you that you can't get high is absolutely nuts.

02:34:54.000 It's crazy.

02:34:55.000 I always say, if you were on an island with two people...

02:34:57.000 And one person said, listen, man, I don't want you getting high.

02:35:00.000 You get high, I'm going to put you in a cage. 0.99

02:35:03.000 He'd be like, I'm going to have to kill this guy. 1.00

02:35:05.000 Guy wants to lock me in a fucking cage if I get high. 1.00

02:35:07.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

02:35:07.000 Yeah, for any behavior that I want to do, like if he said you can't have sex with a cantaloupe... 1.00

02:35:13.000 And if there's four people, it's just as ridiculous. 0.98

02:35:16.000 If there's four million people, it's just as ridiculous. 0.93

02:35:19.000 It's ridiculous for one person to tell you what you can and can't do with your body. 0.85

02:35:22.000 That's not going to affect other people. 1.00

02:35:23.000 It's not an issue where you're ruining the fucking environment. 0.97

02:35:26.000 It's not an issue where you're damaging the civilization. 0.98

02:35:29.000 You're not doing anything.

02:35:30.000 Well, you're doing it wrong, then.

02:35:31.000 You're doing it wrong, for sure.

02:35:34.000 Where are you at this weekend?

02:35:35.000 Are you going to do the Sunday show at the San Jose Improv?

02:35:39.000 Your shows are sold out already, right?

02:35:40.000 Yeah, they're sold out.

02:35:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:35:41.000 I got one show.

02:35:43.000 I got one show at 4.20 in the afternoon on Sunday, San Jose. 0.94

02:35:47.000 That is ridiculous. 0.72

02:35:48.000 Boy, you are sticking to a meme. 0.99

02:35:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:35:51.000 You're going to cling to that motherfucker. 1.00

02:35:52.000 Do you like the show early in the afternoon? 1.00

02:35:54.000 It's so much...

02:35:55.000 Well, you know, you got to play clubs where they don't have a lot of windows, you know, so it still looks like a nightclub or whatever.

02:36:00.000 Right.

02:36:00.000 It's still got the same vibe.

02:36:01.000 Right.

02:36:01.000 But I've had a really good time because I'm done for the night.

02:36:05.000 I'm off for the rest of the night at 6 p.m.

02:36:08.000 when I do those. 0.99

02:36:10.000 And I get to actually go out and enjoy these cities that I visit all the time and never see because I'm in the stupid comedy club all night. 0.98

02:36:17.000 Not to say that that's not also a great way to... 0.97

02:36:19.000 You just do them on Sundays?

02:36:21.000 But Saturdays and Sundays.

02:36:23.000 And some cities I'll come in and I'll do both days.

02:36:26.000 Coming up at the Sacramento Punchline, Martin Luther King weekend, I'm going to do a show on 420 Saturday, 420 Sunday, 420 Monday.

02:36:34.000 I just hang out there all weekend, have my nights free.

02:36:37.000 There's a lot of like-minded people in Sacramento.

02:36:40.000 Shazam! 0.80

02:36:40.000 I see what you're saying. 0.80

02:36:42.000 It's a fun place.

02:36:42.000 So that's a really smart thing to do, man.

02:36:45.000 So you sort of reorganize the weekend.

02:36:47.000 You take a spot where it wasn't ordinarily open.

02:36:50.000 You open it for you.

02:36:51.000 And you can do it in comedy clubs.

02:36:53.000 It's easy.

02:36:53.000 The only people that show up are the ones that I told about the show through my podcast or through Twitter.

02:36:58.000 And so the crowds are great.

02:37:00.000 We play that game that I play on the podcast, the Leonard Maltin game.

02:37:03.000 We play that with audience members in my opening act, and it's a blast.

02:37:07.000 Oh, really?

02:37:07.000 Yeah, people from the audience come up and challenge whoever I brought with me on the road for that particular gig.

02:37:15.000 And it's super fun.

02:37:17.000 And they're awake.

02:37:18.000 4.20 in the afternoon.

02:37:19.000 Yeah, and you know what, though?

02:37:20.000 Except in Denver.

02:37:21.000 Both times I did it in Denver, somebody managed to get drunk.

02:37:25.000 But everywhere else...

02:37:27.000 They're sober.

02:37:29.000 They may be a few beers in or whatever, but they're not that kind of trash that you see when you do shows at night, especially in a town where there's some sports thing in the afternoon, and they've been drinking since then, so they come to your show and they're pre-drunk before they even start drinking their two-drink minimum.

02:37:46.000 So is that how you're doing all your shows now?

02:37:47.000 Not all of them.

02:37:49.000 I also do, like, I'll go into a club and just be there on a night they're normally closed, like Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday.

02:37:55.000 Like I'm doing the Fort Lauderdale Improv on Monday, December...

02:38:03.000 home improv on tuesday december 12th and they're both huge clubs they're really nice but they're huge so every time i play there you know normally if i have to do two or three shows i'm just not gonna every show is gonna have a lot of empty seats right but if i just go in and do one on a night when they're not even normally open hopefully everybody that's you know into me and has the night available will you know come check it out yeah that improv is gigantic i I think it's 600 plus seats, right?

02:38:30.000 Isn't it?

02:38:31.000 It's a palace. 1.00

02:38:32.000 Yeah, that's a big goddamn place. 0.99

02:38:35.000 You know, when you think about how many shows you're doing. 0.99

02:38:37.000 Two shows on a Friday night and 600 seats? 1.00

02:38:39.000 Holy shit, man. 1.00

02:38:41.000 That's a goddamn theater show. 1.00

02:38:43.000 That's a theater show. 1.00

02:38:44.000 It's hard to get that many people to come to.

02:38:45.000 And it's not really a comedy club anymore.

02:38:47.000 Whoa, you're dying.

02:38:49.000 What happened to your voice?

02:38:50.000 That's the new impression.

02:38:52.000 This is Mafia Doug Benson.

02:38:56.000 Hey, everybody.

02:38:59.000 My eyes are watering.

02:39:02.000 I think this podcast is pretty much over.

02:39:03.000 What do you think?

02:39:05.000 Yeah, sure, since I can't talk anymore.

02:39:07.000 Is that really your voice now?

02:39:08.000 For like a minute or two.

02:39:10.000 Wow, you're serious.

02:39:11.000 You know how you choke on air sometimes?

02:39:12.000 Yeah.

02:39:13.000 Wow.

02:39:13.000 Yeah, because I was on one of those tirades where I wouldn't take a breath.

02:39:17.000 Do you want a water or something?

02:39:18.000 I got water.

02:39:20.000 Okay, you're okay?

02:39:21.000 Okay. 0.98

02:39:22.000 Damn, I've never seen anybody fall apart like that before. 0.99

02:39:25.000 Fall apart? 0.99

02:39:26.000 I mean, you're okay.

02:39:28.000 Look, I can tweet about it, I haven't fallen apart.

02:39:32.000 Vocally, just vocally, fall apart.

02:39:34.000 I'm trying to pull it back faster than I normally would, but... 1.00

02:39:36.000 Yeah, I hate that shit. 1.00

02:39:38.000 Yeah, it sucks. 1.00

02:39:39.000 When did you start doing this? 0.98

02:39:40.000 You don't do any weekends anymore?

02:39:41.000 You don't do like a regular weekend at a club?

02:39:45.000 Every once in a while, but it has to be kind of a smaller club that I really like.

02:39:50.000 You don't do midnight Saturday shows, do you?

02:39:53.000 No. 0.99

02:39:54.000 That's ridiculous. 0.79

02:39:55.000 Three shows in one night.

02:39:56.000 That's the other thing I like about doing the 420 shows or even 8 o'clock, but it's the only show.

02:40:01.000 I love doing one show.

02:40:04.000 Comics would like to go from club to club to club.

02:40:07.000 You don't like to do that.

02:40:08.000 Well, you have a big chunk.

02:40:12.000 What do you do, like an hour or so?

02:40:14.000 What do you do? 0.98

02:40:15.000 Like I do 45 of stand-up and then an extra 15 or 20 of playing the game and fucking around with the crowd. 0.95

02:40:22.000 Yeah, and that's pretty much all people want to see. 0.90

02:40:23.000 And then you're done.

02:40:24.000 You feel like you did it.

02:40:25.000 You don't want to redo it.

02:40:27.000 Yeah, it's weird.

02:40:27.000 It's weird.

02:40:28.000 You know, it's not a movie where they just start it up again and it's the same thing again.

02:40:32.000 Well, the real problem with second shows is sometimes I'll be in the middle of a second show and I'll go, did I do this bit yet?

02:40:37.000 Because I can't remember.

02:40:39.000 Because I've gone through a whole show and now I'm in the second show again.

02:40:44.000 When you're on stage, you're pretty much in this zone.

02:40:46.000 And I'm in the zone and I'm like, I'm in the zone, but...

02:40:50.000 I've been in the zone for a long time, but did I do that earlier?

02:40:54.000 I don't know if I did that joke. 0.99

02:40:56.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:40:57.000 And then you panic. 0.99

02:40:58.000 You're like, was that the first show or was it the second show?

02:41:00.000 Should I try this?

02:41:01.000 And then you go into it and you're like, oh my god.

02:41:03.000 You kind of have, your bits tend to be on the longer end.

02:41:07.000 You don't really bring up things that are super brief.

02:41:11.000 Not much of a one-liner.

02:41:12.000 In my case, if it's a really short joke, it gets a big laugh when I say it again.

02:41:17.000 Because everyone's like, ah, he said it again.

02:41:20.000 You don't ever play up the fact that you're high.

02:41:22.000 I heard about people doing fake shots.

02:41:24.000 I'm like, man, you can't do fake shots.

02:41:27.000 That's terrible.

02:41:28.000 No, but...

02:41:29.000 Yeah, if the intention is to like, hey everybody, I'm doing a shot.

02:41:33.000 But if I tell the staff, send me up fake shots if people offer to buy me one.

02:41:37.000 Really?

02:41:38.000 Because you can't say no when a shot comes up to you.

02:41:42.000 Unless you're like, if you go, I'm an alcoholic or something.

02:41:45.000 If you go, I'm six years sober, I'm not going to do it.

02:41:49.000 But with my act and the fact that I've already got a cocktail up there, they'll send me up shots.

02:41:54.000 And sometimes I'll do them and I'm fine with it.

02:41:57.000 But a lot of times...

02:41:58.000 You reserve the right to drink fake shots.

02:41:59.000 Yeah, well, and you know, it just gets it over with if you just drink a fake shot.

02:42:03.000 And now that I'm telling everybody, yeah, I'll never do it again.

02:42:05.000 Yeah, people are going to know now.

02:42:07.000 No, the secret's out.

02:42:07.000 You ruined your game, son.

02:42:08.000 But once, you know what I mean?

02:42:09.000 If you do the shot quickly, it's over with.

02:42:11.000 But if you stand there and act like you're not going to do it, then people start chanting and make a big thing out of it.

02:42:16.000 The worst would be, now all the people that went to your shows before are going to think back of the times you threw a shot back and screamed, yee-haw, and jumped up and down.

02:42:24.000 I don't act like... 0.99

02:42:25.000 God damn! 1.00

02:42:26.000 Yeah! 1.00

02:42:26.000 Meanwhile, it was just water. 1.00

02:42:27.000 I don't act it too big.

02:42:29.000 I just pretend to drink it.

02:42:31.000 Because even when I normally drink a shot, I usually don't make a lot of noises.

02:42:34.000 He gets on top of the stool. 1.00

02:42:35.000 Bring me a fucking glass of tequila! 0.99

02:42:38.000 And it's just a glass of water. 1.00

02:42:39.000 Hit it! 1.00

02:42:40.000 And I do a whole song and dance number.

02:42:43.000 Close the glass against the wall. 1.00

02:42:45.000 Fucking cunt! 1.00

02:42:46.000 All that and we find out you're just stone cold sober drinking water. 1.00

02:42:51.000 Putting on a show.

02:42:54.000 I'd have to say that It's probably happened maybe four times in my entire career.

02:43:00.000 Because the combination of me saying to the staff, send me up a fake shot, combined with somebody wanting to send me up a shot, because it doesn't happen every show, because I'm not...

02:43:09.000 So what happens to the money?

02:43:10.000 There's some money laundering going on here.

02:43:12.000 Where?

02:43:13.000 Because a fake shot is not worth anything.

02:43:15.000 They're charging someone for a shot.

02:43:16.000 It's money laundering.

02:43:17.000 Regular shots barely worth the price of...

02:43:20.000 But doesn't it seem like there's money that's unaccounted for there?

02:43:24.000 Yeah.

02:43:25.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:43:25.000 Money laundering.

02:43:26.000 Okay, that shit's illegal. 1.00

02:43:28.000 Well, let me tell you how I balance it out in the rest of my years as a comic. 1.00

02:43:32.000 When I'm at the bar in a comedy club and somebody offers to buy me a drink, I always turn it down and say, the club gives me free drinks and I don't want you to buy one.

02:43:42.000 And then a lot of times they go, well, I want to buy you one anyway.

02:43:45.000 It becomes important to do something for you, which I appreciate that.

02:43:49.000 Right.

02:43:50.000 But it's frustrating to have that kind of argument with somebody.

02:43:55.000 Don't spend your money.

02:43:56.000 Please don't spend your money.

02:43:58.000 To people that have a chance to meet you for the first time, it's important to them.

02:44:03.000 I'll stand right there and talk to them.

02:44:05.000 I don't say, I don't want you to drink and run away.

02:44:07.000 They want to give you something.

02:44:08.000 It's a gesture.

02:44:09.000 Well, that's why I never turn down weed when people give me weed.

02:44:12.000 Really?

02:44:13.000 Yeah.

02:44:13.000 You trust it all?

02:44:16.000 You don't ever think, man, I can be smoking.

02:44:17.000 We've had this conversation before.

02:44:19.000 You're on the more paranoid end of the whole weed thing that I am.

02:44:22.000 I've never looked at weed and been like, oh my god, I'm not taking that.

02:44:25.000 That looks like...

02:44:26.000 Yeah, I just think it's such a crapshoot.

02:44:29.000 I mean, let's say I've probably smoked from strangers, either a bud they gave me or some sort of joint.

02:44:36.000 It must be in the thousands at this point.

02:44:38.000 Wow.

02:44:39.000 Thousands.

02:44:40.000 Nothing's happened yet, so the odds seem incredibly good that I'll get through a few more years of it.

02:44:46.000 Dude, I'm so happy for you.

02:44:49.000 I'm glad you pulled through it.

02:44:51.000 Yeah, it's great.

02:44:52.000 It's dangerous though, man.

02:44:53.000 What's dangerous?

02:44:54.000 Do you ever worry about provocateurs, perhaps cops posing as stoners?

02:44:57.000 Want to get high with you?

02:44:58.000 Why would they go to that kind of trouble?

02:45:00.000 Because you're a voice of the movement.

02:45:03.000 What drives me crazy is when they pull over Willie Nelson's tour bus. 0.99

02:45:08.000 That's some weird shit. 1.00

02:45:10.000 And get him for pot? 1.00

02:45:11.000 Come on.

02:45:12.000 Yeah, come on. 0.77

02:45:13.000 Find something else or just leave him alone.

02:45:16.000 He's in trouble for that.

02:45:17.000 They were letting him off the hook, but then someone got offended by the fact that he is above the law. 1.00

02:45:26.000 Some idiot got offended. 1.00

02:45:28.000 That's the craziest thing to get mad about. 1.00

02:45:30.000 Who is this guy?

02:45:30.000 Well, Texas, man, you don't understand Texas.

02:45:33.000 Oh, well, a lot of places I don't understand.

02:45:35.000 Texas is a real tricky one. 0.99

02:45:36.000 There's some big cities, and then there's some fucking people that live in a time warp. 0.96

02:45:40.000 You know, you got Dallas, you got Houston, you got Austin, you got San Antonio, you know, you got some cool cities. 0.61

02:45:46.000 And then on top of that, you got these weird spots in between the cities that go on forever and ever, and they're massive.

02:45:52.000 There's so much room in Texas, man.

02:45:54.000 It's a country, you know, it really is. 1.00

02:45:57.000 It's a giant-ass fucking state. 1.00

02:45:59.000 But boy, do I love that Austin, though. 1.00

02:46:01.000 Oh, that's the best.

02:46:02.000 That's one of my favorite cities of anywhere.

02:46:05.000 Yeah, of all time.

02:46:05.000 And that's where I'm going to do...

02:46:06.000 You know that Cap City Club you played there?

02:46:08.000 Oh, yeah.

02:46:08.000 I love that place.

02:46:09.000 I'm going to do...

02:46:10.000 Not only am I doing 420 shows, I'm combining my other thing that I love to do now, which is podcasts.

02:46:17.000 And at 420 on Thanksgiving weekend, on Saturday and Sunday, I'm doing two different tapings of my podcast, and That I'll then be able to turn around and put out on the internet.

02:46:30.000 Because that's another thing I don't like about...

02:46:32.000 I love about stand-up comedy, the fact that it's just you in the audience and no one else hears it.

02:46:38.000 But thanks to podcasting, I want to get more stuff out to people.

02:46:43.000 So this is a great opportunity for me to show up in a town and instead of doing stand-up, I do the podcast.

02:46:50.000 So you're saying that you can't put your stand-up on the internet?

02:46:52.000 Well, you can't.

02:46:53.000 I am going to do a thing coming up soon.

02:46:57.000 I think my next album is gonna be two discs.

02:47:01.000 One is me, like, I'll wake up the day of the shows and I won't smoke pot all day.

02:47:07.000 Maybe even stop the day before or something.

02:47:10.000 And just be crazy super sober for the first recording.

02:47:15.000 And then between the first show and the second show, smoke as much weed and do as much edibles as I can.

02:47:20.000 And then try to do the exact same set again.

02:47:24.000 Try to do the album again, and then people can listen to both and see the good and the bad.

02:47:30.000 Like Lose Your Conclusion 1 and 2. Yeah.

02:47:32.000 Lose Your Conclusion?

02:47:33.000 Is that Guns N' Roses?

02:47:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:47:35.000 But with Doug Benson?

02:47:36.000 I like that.

02:47:37.000 Baked and Unbaked, or Stoned and Unstoned, or something like that.

02:47:41.000 What did Guns N' Roses do?

02:47:42.000 Lose Your Illusion.

02:47:43.000 Was it two versions of it, or was it just two discs?

02:47:46.000 Two different albums.

02:47:47.000 It was two completely different albums.

02:47:49.000 Brian was just having fun. 0.99

02:47:50.000 He's a silly boy. 0.99

02:47:51.000 Yeah, he just says things. 1.00

02:47:52.000 This motherfucker. 1.00

02:47:55.000 So you'll sell one or the other? 1.00

02:47:57.000 Is that one you'll release for free?

02:47:58.000 No, no, you buy them both.

02:47:59.000 It's a double album.

02:48:00.000 You buy them both.

02:48:01.000 Oh, okay.

02:48:02.000 And I also dream of a day where I can do a tour where, like, you know how Pearl Jam sold, like, every night of a tour on CD that one time?

02:48:11.000 And bootlegs obviously happen to everybody all the time.

02:48:14.000 But I'd like to make my own bootleg and just make, like, do a tour of ten cities and the same act, essentially, whatever I'm doing at that time.

02:48:24.000 And then record it in each place.

02:48:27.000 And you can buy more than one if you want to see the differences.

02:48:30.000 Or you can just buy the one from the city you're from.

02:48:32.000 Or from a city you think will be funny to hear me interacting with people of that city.

02:48:37.000 That's a funny idea.

02:48:38.000 They have a bunch of different recordings to choose from Some comics used to sell recordings of the show That you just went to Yeah They'd sell like CDs And a club or two has tried to kind of toy with that sort of idea a lot of goddamn cds but it also doesn't it only appeals to the drunkest audience members yelled out the dumbest shit you know it's kind of a weird thing to say hereby what you just what just happened right but that's what i'm doing with podcasts like

02:49:06.000 Like, I do podcasts where people were there live, and then they listen to it later.

02:49:10.000 Yeah, if it's cheap enough.

02:49:11.000 And then, like, you collect their email address, and you go, here, I'm going to send you a link to where you can buy this for five bucks.

02:49:16.000 You have your podcast set up where some of them are free, some of them aren't?

02:49:19.000 Is that how you do it?

02:49:19.000 There's a weekly free one.

02:49:20.000 A one-weekly free one.

02:49:21.000 And then there's bonus free ones that I do, like, where I record, like, if I'm in a rental car with another comic, I'll just record an episode of the show while we're driving.

02:49:28.000 Right.

02:49:29.000 And so I put those up pretty frequently, and then...

02:49:33.000 Like, once or twice a month, usually once a month, I'll have an episode that's $2 in the comedy album section of iTunes, which is a fun place to be and to be that cheap, because, like, right now one of mine is, like, number one, because it's only $2, and all the albums behind it cost, like, $8. 0.97

02:49:52.000 Damn.

02:49:53.000 So you get a nice placement for a little while. 0.99

02:49:56.000 And then it falls pretty fast, because, you know...

02:49:58.000 People will buy it later, but most people buy it right away or shortly after it becomes available.

02:50:06.000 I will ask you off-air how much the money is.

02:50:09.000 Well, I don't know if it's just a different route that I've gone instead of having actual advertisers.

02:50:19.000 But I am not against having advertisers.

02:50:22.000 I just haven't found the right match.

02:50:24.000 Yeah, people don't...

02:50:25.000 I just got the ones that every other podcast has.

02:50:28.000 Yeah.

02:50:28.000 And I did those for a while, and I just felt like, if I listen to a bunch of podcasts, if I had to always hear about Audible books, every podcast I listen to...

02:50:36.000 But what about 1-800-Flowers, Doug?

02:50:38.000 I never did that one, but yeah.

02:50:40.000 Or Adam and Eve, or whatever.

02:50:41.000 I wouldn't want to hear about the same thing all over the place.

02:50:44.000 I think each show should have its own thing.

02:50:46.000 Unfortunately for me, movie studios can't really support me because I trash movies.

02:50:52.000 And I can't get a movie theater chain to support me because people go see movies at the theater near their house.

02:50:58.000 Do you ever feel confined by the theme of your podcast?

02:51:02.000 The movie thing?

02:51:03.000 Yeah.

02:51:03.000 Well, I would if I were you and your interest in and the amount of movies you see is so far fewer than what I do.

02:51:11.000 So I could see where that could be limiting if you...

02:51:14.000 Do you see a movie every day?

02:51:15.000 But why would you choose that?

02:51:16.000 No, but I don't mean that.

02:51:17.000 I mean just you.

02:51:18.000 But if you weren't a comic and you worked in UFC like you do, do you think you'd be able to find ongoing satisfaction just talking about UFC as a podcast?

02:51:29.000 Yeah, sure.

02:51:29.000 Definitely.

02:51:30.000 Yeah, so that's how much I love movies.

02:51:31.000 It's just that I could talk on and on and on about that.

02:51:34.000 But if I just said, do just a UFC podcast every week, I'd feel a little defined by it.

02:51:39.000 But you would.

02:51:39.000 You would.

02:51:40.000 Because you've got so many other areas that you're interested in.

02:51:43.000 But I'm saying somebody who's just really, that's their main focus.

02:51:47.000 Because for me, growing up, my main focus was just movies.

02:51:50.000 Really?

02:51:50.000 I wanted to watch them and be in them, and that's all I cared about.

02:51:54.000 Do you write scripts or anything?

02:51:56.000 TV, too, of course.

02:51:57.000 Yeah, a little bit, but I've grown really...

02:52:00.000 That's the good and bad of podcasting, is it's allowed me to talk about and participate in what I want to do without ever having to sit by myself and write.

02:52:12.000 Oh, I see.

02:52:14.000 The process of just sitting and writing something while the outcome is very satisfying.

02:52:19.000 Right now, I'm working on a book, and it's torture for me to sit down and write a chapter of my book.

02:52:27.000 Why is that?

02:52:28.000 Because just sitting there by myself writing is just no fun to me.

02:52:32.000 I want to always have a TV on or listening to something or going out and doing something.

02:52:40.000 Go to Starbucks.

02:52:41.000 What is that?

02:52:41.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:52:42.000 Is that an ADD thing?

02:52:43.000 That's what those guys are.

02:52:44.000 That's what they are.

02:52:45.000 I do enjoy sometimes sitting in a Whole Foods or something and getting work done on my computer.

02:52:49.000 Yeah, Whole Foods is awesome.

02:52:49.000 Because it's fun to have all that weird stimuli around you, but you can still just kind of look at what you're doing and then just look up whenever anything, It gives you ideas too when you're looking around.

02:52:59.000 If you have your Twitter handy, you see something stupid happening. 0.89

02:53:04.000 Especially when you're baked to the gills. 1.00

02:53:06.000 We've got to wrap this bitch up. 1.00

02:53:07.000 But that's the thing. 0.99

02:53:09.000 Thank God I do have the marijuana.

02:53:11.000 Not God, but you know what I mean.

02:53:13.000 Thank Jesus I have marijuana because that does help to make writing less boring and frustrating.

02:53:21.000 Doug Benson.

02:53:22.000 Thanks for writing.

02:53:23.000 It's boring.

02:53:23.000 Thank you, Doug.

02:53:24.000 Thanks for being on the podcast.

02:53:25.000 Doug Benson.

02:53:26.000 Follow him on Twitter.

02:53:27.000 D-O-U-G-B-E-N-S-O-N. Son Benson. 0.95

02:53:31.000 Bitches. 1.00

02:53:31.000 Respect. 1.00

02:53:33.000 And follow The Death Squad on iTunes.

02:53:36.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight.

02:53:38.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight.

02:53:42.000 And enter in the code name ROGAN. You get 15% off your new girlfriend.

02:53:47.000 Don't forget, fuck those things. 1.00

02:53:49.000 Use it, abuse it, and follow what Doug's instructions are. 1.00

02:53:52.000 Thank you to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancement supplement.

02:54:00.000 And thank you to also New Mood, the other new...

02:54:04.000 And Shroom Tech, which is the athletic performance enhancing supplement that's legal.

02:54:12.000 The Chinese Olympic team used it.

02:54:14.000 It's a cordyceps mushroom supplement that's really good for...

02:54:18.000 It gives you a little boost of extra endurance when you're in heavy-duty, hardcore training and you're working out hard.

02:54:25.000 So that's onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, and if you go to droogand.net and click on the link for the fleshlight and enter in the code name, or no, not the fleshlight, click on the link for O-N-N-I-T, onnit.com, the alpha brain link. 0.94

02:54:39.000 You know what I'm talking about, bitches. 1.00

02:54:40.000 Click on that shit, put in my name, and save some money. 1.00

02:54:43.000 Or don't. 1.00

02:54:44.000 Do whatever you want, man. 0.99

02:54:45.000 I'm not fucking telling you what to do. 0.99

02:54:47.000 Doug Benson, are you telling anybody what to do? 0.99

02:54:49.000 No, sir.

02:54:50.000 No, sir.

02:54:51.000 We might have smoked too much pot before this podcast.

02:54:54.000 Just a little bit.

02:54:55.000 Before?

02:54:55.000 A little bit.

02:54:56.000 In the middle of it, too?

02:54:57.000 In the middle of it, maybe.

02:54:59.000 And Doug will be joining us tomorrow on the Ada Pop podcast.

02:55:01.000 Yeah, Doug will be joining us tomorrow.

02:55:03.000 Tomorrow we're going to be doing the Ice House.

02:55:05.000 Tomorrow we're at the Ice House in Pasadena.

02:55:07.000 The second stage, you want to go to stage two.

02:55:10.000 It's a small place.

02:55:10.000 It's only 85 seats.

02:55:11.000 It's probably going to sell out.

02:55:12.000 I'm going to be high-end drunk for that.

02:55:13.000 I haven't even tweeted it yet, but we're going to tweet it right after we get off this podcast.

02:55:17.000 But they're awesome shows.

02:55:19.000 We do them there as much as possible the last time we did it.

02:55:22.000 It was a packed house.

02:55:24.000 And this time we got John Reap.

02:55:26.000 We got Benson.

02:55:27.000 Little Esther.

02:55:28.000 Yoshi.

02:55:29.000 Yoshi.

02:55:29.000 And a secret surprise guest.

02:55:31.000 And a secret surprise. 0.99

02:55:32.000 It's going to be a big, fat, fucking, chilled out party. 0.99

02:55:35.000 So enjoy. 0.98

02:55:36.000 So thank you to everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - November 16, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #158 - Doug Benson

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