The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #16 - Brian Redban

00:00:01.000 Bam! 1.00

00:00:01.000 Ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck's going on? 1.00

00:00:05.000 Set this up. 0.98

00:00:08.000 Sorry for the late start. 0.99

00:00:10.000 We were all fucked up. 0.99

00:00:12.000 We weren't all fucked up, but the cam was all fucked up. 1.00

00:00:15.000 We had a problem with the webcam. 1.00

00:00:17.000 But we're back, bitches. 1.00

00:00:20.000 Hi. 0.98

00:00:21.000 How's everybody doing? 0.95

00:00:23.000 I'm back from Abu motherfucking Davi, son. 0.98

00:00:27.000 That was very strange. 0.96

00:00:29.000 Scary at all?

00:00:30.000 Scary at all?

00:00:31.000 Yeah, it scared me, man.

00:00:32.000 I mean, it's real safe and it's real western over there, but the bottom line is that place is the first time we've ever done that.

00:00:41.000 Congratulations.

00:00:43.000 Thank you very much.

00:00:43.000 First time you muted the live preview.

00:00:45.000 Yeah, so we don't hear ourselves.

00:00:51.000 We got over there and it's very strange.

00:00:55.000 First of all, we were at a place called Yaz Island, which is a man-made island, they said.

00:00:59.000 Which means they built an island.

00:01:01.000 Isn't it sinking?

00:01:01.000 Is that the one that's sinking?

00:01:02.000 No, that's the one in Dubai.

00:01:04.000 The one in Dubai that's sinking is the one that they have that's a model of the world. 0.79

00:01:08.000 If you ever wanted to know how much money is in oil, you've got to go to the Middle East. 0.97

00:01:14.000 I'm sure. 0.99

00:01:15.000 It's fucking staggering. 0.99

00:01:17.000 Really? 1.00

00:01:18.000 I didn't see a shitty car while I was there. 1.00

00:01:20.000 Everything was a fucking Mercedes. 0.99

00:01:21.000 It's a Mercedes, or I guess the cabs are kind of crappy, but it's all Ferraris and Lamborghinis and... 1.00

00:01:28.000 These fucking buildings, they built this island, okay? 0.97

00:01:32.000 And then they have this thing called Ferrari World, and that's where the UFC was, which is this crazy theme park they're building. 1.00

00:01:37.000 They're just building shit constantly. 0.95

00:01:39.000 Everywhere you go, they're building. 1.00

00:01:41.000 You know, like, all throughout, like, the city of Abu Dhabi. 0.94

00:01:44.000 It's all just skyscrapers and cranes and shit going on constantly. 0.97

00:01:49.000 And apparently Dubai is even crazier. 0.99

00:01:51.000 I didn't want to fuck around with Dubai, though. 0.99

00:01:53.000 I didn't even want to fly in there. 0.98

00:01:55.000 One of the options was we could fly into Dubai, and then from Dubai, we would take a car service that would take us...

00:02:03.000 It's like an hour and a half drive to Yaz Island.

00:02:06.000 And I was like...

00:02:07.000 I don't want to land in Dubai, man. 0.99

00:02:08.000 I keep hearing crazy shit about Dubai. 0.99

00:02:11.000 I hear crazy shit about people who got arrested because there was some sort of a visa problem, so they drug test them. 1.00

00:02:17.000 They arrested this one woman for codeine. 1.00

00:02:20.000 She lives in the UK. She has a prescription for codeine because she's got a back problem.

00:02:24.000 She's got back injuries. 0.99

00:02:25.000 So they arrested her for this and put her in fucking jail because she had it in her system. 1.00

00:02:30.000 Wow. 0.99

00:02:31.000 There's another guy who was traveling there who had a speck of marijuana on the bottom of his shoe.

00:02:37.000 But if you look at the dude, the dude was like a Rasta. 0.99

00:02:39.000 He had dreadlocks and shit, and that does not fly. 0.99

00:02:42.000 Did you vacuum out your suitcase? 1.00

00:02:44.000 Oh my god, did I? I didn't smoke pot for a whole day before I went back.

00:02:50.000 You're crazy. 0.95

00:02:51.000 It was out of my head. 1.00

00:02:54.000 Yeah, that shit scares me. 1.00

00:02:56.000 There's no reason to be put into that, because I've heard too many horrors. 1.00

00:03:00.000 It's not a regular society.

00:03:02.000 I mean, it's run by kings.

00:03:03.000 And, you know, for the most part, they run it just like a Western democracy.

00:03:06.000 I mean, it's very clean and very safe, and cops are everywhere, and people are polite.

00:03:11.000 But the bottom line is, you don't have the same sort of rights that you have in America.

00:03:16.000 You know, we always want to talk about our dwindling rights.

00:03:18.000 And our rights are certainly dwindling.

00:03:20.000 But they're still way better than what you get over in Dubai.

00:03:24.000 Right. 1.00

00:03:24.000 In Dubai, you don't get shit. 1.00

00:03:25.000 This couple was making out on the beach. 1.00

00:03:27.000 Now they're in jail. 1.00

00:03:28.000 That's fucking... 1.00

00:03:29.000 They were making out, and then they said, you can't do that. 1.00

00:03:32.000 We're going to put you in jail.

00:03:33.000 So they don't have a problem with, like, you know, like the ring card girls wearing... 1.00

00:03:37.000 I was wondering, because I didn't talk to anybody before.

00:03:40.000 I'm like, what are they going to wear?

00:03:41.000 Are these chicks going to wear, like, dresses? 1.00

00:03:42.000 Like, how weird would that be if they had to wear, like...

00:03:44.000 That would have been awesome.

00:03:45.000 It would have been awesome.

00:03:46.000 Yeah, they gave me the headdress thing, the...

00:03:49.000 The traditional garb.

00:03:50.000 And there's a guy who does my job for the Arab world.

00:03:53.000 Very nice guy.

00:03:54.000 His name is Muhammad and they call him Muhammad Rogan.

00:03:56.000 His name is Muhammad, really?

00:03:58.000 Yeah.

00:03:58.000 And they call him Muhammad Rogan.

00:04:00.000 And it's hilarious.

00:04:02.000 He does the whole outfit when he does his broadcast.

00:04:06.000 He does this traditional Arab wear that they all wear. 1.00

00:04:09.000 It's like a white outfit with a black thing around your head and then a white headdress.

00:04:13.000 I don't know what it's called.

00:04:14.000 But everyone wears it there.

00:04:15.000 Did it smell okay over there?

00:04:17.000 It smelled great. 0.78

00:04:18.000 Dude, they're a bunch of rich people with crazy money and weird outfits.

00:04:23.000 And I kind of like the outfit for a certain...

00:04:26.000 This is what I liked about the outfit.

00:04:28.000 I like it because you can't...

00:04:30.000 I mean, I guess you can wear a big watch or something like that.

00:04:33.000 But stylistically, everyone looks the same.

00:04:35.000 And there's something about that. 0.99

00:04:37.000 Something about that is dumb. 0.99

00:04:39.000 It's like you should be able to dress and look however you want. 0.99

00:04:42.000 But something about that is kind of cool.

00:04:44.000 Because it's like... 0.81

00:04:46.000 Is it really fucking important what you wear? 0.90

00:04:48.000 It's not. 0.99

00:04:49.000 It's in your head. 0.94

00:04:50.000 It's nonsense.

00:04:50.000 And all this style and how you want to be portrayed.

00:04:55.000 Have you ever seen a dude who wants to be thought of as a writer?

00:04:59.000 You know, wants to be thought of as an intellectual.

00:05:01.000 So he's wearing a pea jacket.

00:05:03.000 With an elbow, leather elbows.

00:05:05.000 Jack Kerouac.

00:05:05.000 Yeah, or that.

00:05:07.000 There's a certain amount of pretense that comes with what you wear.

00:05:10.000 You know, that's unavoidable. 0.99

00:05:12.000 You know, I dress like I'm fucking 20 years old. 0.99

00:05:15.000 I mean, I'm 42 fucking years old. 0.99

00:05:16.000 I still dress exactly the same I did when I was 20. If you look at my wardrobe when I was 20, and now the only difference is I have more clothes now. 0.98

00:05:24.000 That's it. 0.99

00:05:24.000 And I have a lot of tap-out shit. 0.99

00:05:26.000 But other than that, I fucking dress the same. 1.00

00:05:30.000 There's something about wearing that outfit that they're all in unity, too. 0.98

00:05:34.000 It's like they all recognize, like we're all in this together.

00:05:36.000 Like we all have the same outfit on. 0.97

00:05:39.000 I mean part of it is like it's got to be bad for like creativity and individuality and stuff like that because one of the reasons why people in America are so creative is because if you want to you could put a lip ring in and fucking shave half your head and paint the other half purple and tattoo your face. 0.95

00:05:54.000 You can do whatever the fuck you want over here and something about that is good for creativity.

00:05:58.000 To the point I understand but also I've had jobs where I've had to have a uniform in with so much better Having a uniform or wearing the same as everybody else instead of having to pick out a different tie every day and wear a shirt every day for work. 0.97

00:06:11.000 Yeah, that is true.

00:06:12.000 But if you had to choose when you're working between having a uniform and not having a uniform, you're always going to say no.

00:06:17.000 No, I don't know.

00:06:18.000 That's what I was just saying.

00:06:19.000 I think I like having a uniform at work.

00:06:21.000 But that's because you have to dress up.

00:06:23.000 Right, right.

00:06:23.000 Like a real job.

00:06:25.000 I'm talking about real jobs.

00:06:26.000 In the real world.

00:06:27.000 In the real world.

00:06:28.000 We live in the fake world.

00:06:30.000 That is a nutty thing, though, about the world.

00:06:32.000 Is that the world is so... 0.90

00:06:34.000 It's so goddamn rigid in what you're supposed to wear and how you're supposed to behave and how you're supposed to dress. 1.00

00:06:39.000 It's like, Jesus fucking Christ. 0.99

00:06:42.000 That's the best way they have of controlling people, really. 0.99

00:06:46.000 It's to make sure that you're always going to wear suits and ties when you go to work and that you can't get into this place because you have a hat on.

00:06:52.000 I hate the hat on thing. 0.95

00:06:54.000 Oh, it's so silly.

00:06:55.000 I mean, because I can understand where you're in some parts where you're like, oh, that guy might get mad at the other guy because they're in a different gang or something. 0.95

00:07:03.000 Remember when we were in Gotham?

00:07:04.000 Yeah.

00:07:06.000 They wanted me to take off my hat and I was with you at a comedy club.

00:07:10.000 Yeah, and he works for me. 0.92

00:07:11.000 It was ridiculous. 0.92

00:07:12.000 It was... 1.00

00:07:14.000 We were at, where the fuck was it? 1.00

00:07:18.000 Well, that's the most ridiculous one. 1.00

00:07:20.000 Strip clubs are another ridiculous one. 1.00

00:07:21.000 That happens too. 0.99

00:07:22.000 If you go to a strip club, they tell you to take your hat off. 0.99

00:07:24.000 Or they tell you to turn it around.

00:07:26.000 That's my other favorite.

00:07:27.000 If you're wearing it like I'm wearing it, sometimes they say, can you please turn your hat around, sir?

00:07:30.000 Yeah.

00:07:30.000 Because like, oh, now you got me.

00:07:32.000 Now I'm going to be normal.

00:07:33.000 One of the funniest things ever, and this is a 100% true story, my ex-fiance and me went to a bar once, and we drove all the way to Oxnard or something like that, And we get there.

00:07:44.000 It was our friend's birthday.

00:07:44.000 And they're like, sorry sir, you can't come in.

00:07:46.000 You don't have a collar on your shirt.

00:07:48.000 And I'm like wearing a t-shirt.

00:07:49.000 I'm like, what?

00:07:50.000 We drove, you know, an hour and a half to get here for our friend's birthday.

00:07:53.000 And you say I can't come in?

00:07:54.000 And it was like all the stores around it were closed because it was Oxnard at 9 p.m.

00:07:58.000 So I went to my car to try to find a shirt and the only thing I could find is my ex-fiancee's shirt.

00:08:03.000 And it was like a small little tiny collared shirt that she wore for work.

00:08:08.000 So I was like fat man putting on this shirt.

00:08:11.000 It wouldn't even fit.

00:08:13.000 It looked like that old Chris Farley like fat man in a jacket thing.

00:08:16.000 I couldn't button it up.

00:08:18.000 And it had a collar, so I put the collar up, and I seriously walked up to the door like this, and I'm like, hi, collar shirt, can I come in?

00:08:24.000 And they're like, yeah, I guess so.

00:08:25.000 And they let me in. 0.98

00:08:27.000 So instead of wearing just a gray t-shirt, I now look like a fucking freak walking around the bar going, hey, can I get a Bud Light and stuff? 0.98

00:08:34.000 What is the collared shirt about, man? 0.98

00:08:36.000 True story. 0.99

00:08:37.000 What the fuck is that about? 0.99

00:08:39.000 Why is a collar better than no collar? 0.99

00:08:42.000 I don't know, especially wouldn't you just be like, all right, you know what, just take off that.

00:08:45.000 Just go in, you know, whatever. 0.98

00:08:46.000 So ridiculous. 0.98

00:08:47.000 The thing about the Middle East is that you don't have to wear that outfit. 0.96

00:08:51.000 When they gave me the headdress, they gave me one when I got there, I was like, okay, do I wear this when I'm here?

00:08:56.000 That would be hilarious if we did it like that. 0.82

00:08:59.000 Me and Mike both wore it, but no, nobody had to wear it.

00:09:02.000 But, you know, there's people who wear it and some people don't.

00:09:05.000 But a lot of people do.

00:09:06.000 When you go to the mall, it's like, I'd say like 30 or 40% of the people are wearing it.

00:09:10.000 Wow.

00:09:11.000 It's weird.

00:09:11.000 So like, do they look down on people that don't wear it?

00:09:14.000 Don't know.

00:09:15.000 Like, do you get more trouble if you wear normal clothes?

00:09:17.000 I wonder.

00:09:17.000 That's a good question.

00:09:18.000 Yeah, maybe, right? 1.00

00:09:20.000 Or maybe you get in more trouble if you wear that shit because you're... 1.00

00:09:23.000 Right. 1.00

00:09:23.000 Fucking up the whole scene. 1.00

00:09:25.000 Right. 0.99

00:09:25.000 Blowing the curve, man. 0.99

00:09:26.000 I think it would be great because it would feel like you're wearing pajamas everywhere.

00:09:29.000 You could just be naked underneath it.

00:09:30.000 It probably has something to do with the heat, you know, because it's a really light thing and it doesn't stick to you.

00:09:35.000 And, you know, I don't know.

00:09:37.000 I guess they're probably naked under it if you wanted to be.

00:09:39.000 Yeah.

00:09:39.000 It would be awesome.

00:09:40.000 Yeah. 0.58

00:09:40.000 If you wanted to be naked under that, that would actually be pretty dope. 0.58

00:09:43.000 Yeah.

00:09:43.000 Probably perfect for that kind of weather.

00:09:45.000 Fuck yeah, flabbing around, ball sweat, hitting your shoe. 1.00

00:09:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:09:48.000 Dude, it's hot as fuck over there. 1.00

00:09:50.000 Really? 0.99

00:09:50.000 And I don't even think we're in the summer, but there's, first of all, billions of mosquitoes there. 0.99

00:09:56.000 We got lucky and we didn't get hit, but they said you can get fucked up. 0.98

00:10:00.000 Like a swarm of them will swarm on you and you'll get like a thousand bites all over you. 0.99

00:10:04.000 There was wasps that were flying around the cage that were like that big.

00:10:07.000 I was freaking out. 0.99

00:10:08.000 Because it makes you realize, oh yeah, we're in the fucking Middle East. 0.99

00:10:12.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:10:13.000 We're like east of Africa.

00:10:15.000 Right.

00:10:16.000 You know?

00:10:16.000 Whoa.

00:10:17.000 Did you see camels and shit everywhere? 1.00

00:10:18.000 I didn't see camels, but some guys went and rode on camels and shit. 1.00

00:10:22.000 Right. 0.99

00:10:23.000 The next Sex and the City takes place there, by the way.

00:10:26.000 Really?

00:10:26.000 Yeah.

00:10:27.000 Those dirty bitches to go over there to get some dick. 1.00

00:10:31.000 Apparently there's a tremendous amount of hookers in Dubai. 1.00

00:10:34.000 Dubai is like hooker central. 0.99

00:10:37.000 There's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hookers. 1.00

00:10:39.000 You go into bars and clubs. 0.91

00:10:42.000 They don't have clubs unless the clubs are attached to a hotel. 0.99

00:10:45.000 So you go in the club that's attached to a hotel and you get swarmed by Russian hookers. 1.00

00:10:51.000 Wow. 0.99

00:10:53.000 Because there's so many rich dudes over there.

00:10:56.000 And that's what it's all about. 1.00

00:10:57.000 It's about rich dudes doing business and they feed off them and suck their cock and milk money out of them. 1.00

00:11:02.000 Wow. 1.00

00:11:03.000 And, you know, get some cash.

00:11:05.000 We were at the Comedy Store the other day and this really hot chick was all over my friend Jason. 1.00

00:11:10.000 Teeth?

00:11:10.000 Yeah, teeth.

00:11:11.000 And everyone was like, damn, she likes him, blah, blah, blah. 0.99

00:11:14.000 And then finally, he's like groping her and stuff, and he must have said something to her. 0.99

00:11:18.000 Because at the end, she goes, you have to pay to play.

00:11:22.000 And he goes, what?

00:11:23.000 And then she goes, what?

00:11:24.000 And then she goes, all right, never mind, and walks away. 0.56

00:11:26.000 And then this is like a half hour of pre-sale that she did to him.

00:11:30.000 Wow.

00:11:30.000 And no one saw it coming.

00:11:32.000 It's like, wow, this is cool.

00:11:34.000 How much money?

00:11:35.000 I don't know.

00:11:36.000 I think he just winked.

00:11:38.000 What?

00:11:38.000 I can't afford cigarettes.

00:11:39.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:11:41.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that over in the Middle East, though. 1.00

00:11:43.000 That shit runs rampant. 1.00

00:11:45.000 Makes sense. 1.00

00:11:46.000 There's so many dudes with money.

00:11:47.000 The biggest building in the world is in Dubai.

00:11:50.000 It's a half a mile high.

00:11:52.000 Is that the one that has the golf thing on the top?

00:11:55.000 No, that's another one, I think.

00:11:56.000 I don't think that's the same one, but there is one.

00:11:58.000 It's a tennis courts.

00:12:00.000 I heard the architecture out there is just amazing.

00:12:02.000 Off the chain.

00:12:03.000 They have so much money.

00:12:04.000 They have more money than you could possibly imagine.

00:12:07.000 But apparently, it's all dried up.

00:12:09.000 Apparently, it's crazy now that so many people owe money over there.

00:12:13.000 And if you go broke over there, you don't go to court and file for bankruptcy. 0.99

00:12:18.000 No, you go to fucking jail. 1.00

00:12:20.000 They put your ass in a cage. 1.00

00:12:21.000 They put you in what's called debtor's prison. 1.00

00:12:24.000 And debtor's prison is something you really want to avoid. 0.98

00:12:27.000 So when people are going into the hole, they just drive their fucking Ferraris to the airport and gone. 0.97

00:12:32.000 So this Ferrari is abandoned at the airport like every day. 0.99

00:12:35.000 People are constantly abandoning luxury cars, leaving their houses.

00:12:39.000 They show up to collect money and there's no one there and they're gone.

00:12:43.000 They moved to Africa or something. 1.00

00:12:45.000 It's fucking nutty, man. 1.00

00:12:47.000 But they have nutty shit like an indoor ski facility. 1.00

00:12:52.000 You can go skiing indoors. 1.00

00:12:53.000 That's badass.

00:12:54.000 I've seen those before.

00:12:55.000 Apparently, you have to see it to believe how big it is.

00:12:58.000 Right, right.

00:12:58.000 It's actually like...

00:12:59.000 There's a picture of it.

00:13:01.000 Somebody could probably Google it, where it's just like a huge slope.

00:13:05.000 It's like a diamond all the way down.

00:13:07.000 It's crazy.

00:13:07.000 I think you can go surfing indoors, too, somewhere there.

00:13:10.000 Yeah.

00:13:10.000 Where'd you go?

00:13:10.000 Are you still in a picture?

00:13:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:14.000 Yeah, so anyway, that was what the Middle East was like.

00:13:18.000 People were very friendly over there.

00:13:19.000 Food was fantastic.

00:13:21.000 The hotel's top-notch.

00:13:23.000 There was only...

00:13:24.000 Well, I guess there were some people that were there that weren't there for the fights, but not...

00:13:28.000 It wasn't crowded.

00:13:29.000 Was alcohol illegal out there?

00:13:32.000 Alcohol, you can't go to bars, but they have bars at your hotel.

00:13:36.000 But that's the only place they have bars, is in hotels.

00:13:39.000 I think that's the law.

00:13:41.000 You cannot have a bar, but you can have a bar inside of a hotel for, I guess, for Westerners.

00:13:46.000 Wow.

00:13:46.000 But they have like, you know, it's regular, the food was great, the beer was great, it's like regular beers.

00:13:51.000 Did everything taste okay?

00:13:53.000 Like the Coca-Cola tastes like Coca-Cola and everything?

00:13:56.000 It has Arab writing on it.

00:13:58.000 Oh, that's weird.

00:13:59.000 You should have taken some of that.

00:14:00.000 For what?

00:14:01.000 Look, it's different.

00:14:02.000 For your scrapbook. 1.00

00:14:03.000 Fuck my scrapbook. 1.00

00:14:04.000 What are you talking about? 1.00

00:14:06.000 What are you, 12?

00:14:07.000 So the arena was outside though, right?

00:14:10.000 There was no roof to that?

00:14:11.000 I didn't even know that.

00:14:11.000 The arena was outside and that was an interesting part of it too because the first fight was John...

00:14:20.000 God damn it, I forgot his last name.

00:14:23.000 He fought for the ultimate fighter, anyway, and Mustafa al-Turk. 0.99

00:14:28.000 And the first fight, these guys were so fucking slippery. 0.97

00:14:33.000 They were punching, and as they were punching, sweat was flying off them. 0.99

00:14:37.000 Wow.

00:14:38.000 Because they were the first guys to fight, and so they were fighting, like, basically in the sunlight.

00:14:42.000 Wow. 0.98

00:14:42.000 And it was, you know, fucking 100 degrees outside. 0.98

00:14:45.000 And humid. 0.99

00:14:45.000 Damn, that had to affect their fight. 0.99

00:14:47.000 Oh, for sure. 0.99

00:14:48.000 Yeah, they paced themselves, you know, and they got through it, but...

00:14:52.000 John Madsen.

00:14:53.000 Thank you very much, sir.

00:14:55.000 And John Madsen and Mustafa Al-Turk was the fight.

00:14:58.000 And they were so sweaty. 0.99

00:14:59.000 And every time they threw a punch, sweat was fucking flying off them. 0.98

00:15:03.000 Literally like they threw water. 0.99

00:15:05.000 Like they were throwing cups of water at each other. 0.99

00:15:07.000 It was fucking crazy. 0.98

00:15:08.000 So that's the reason why the guy who fought Silva wanted to lay down the whole time. 0.99

00:15:12.000 No.

00:15:13.000 That's why you just sat there like this.

00:15:14.000 We've got to talk about that.

00:15:16.000 That's a very controversial fight.

00:15:18.000 I re-watched the fights last night.

00:15:20.000 I re-watched BJ Penn, Frankie Edgar, and I re-watched Anderson Silva and Damien Maia.

00:15:28.000 And the Frankie Edgar-BJ Penn fight, a lot of controversy on that fight.

00:15:34.000 One of them is because Doug Crosby, who's a judge, who's a friend of mine, I like him, He scored it 45 to 50, meaning he gave every single round to Frankie Edgar.

00:15:44.000 Wow, see, now I thought it was way closer than that.

00:15:46.000 It was way closer than that.

00:15:48.000 I watched it again last night.

00:15:49.000 In person, I was like, man, I don't know.

00:15:52.000 When I saw it in person, I was like, look, the kid did...

00:15:54.000 Fantastic.

00:15:55.000 He definitely did better than anybody expected.

00:15:59.000 But the thing is, when you're doing commentary for fights, basically I'm just kind of explaining what's happening, and I'm sort of keeping a tally in my head.

00:16:08.000 But what I'm concentrating on the most is explaining things, Being entertaining, trying to do good commentary.

00:16:18.000 Scoring is done silently.

00:16:21.000 Correct scoring is done silently because you're contemplating what's more valuable.

00:16:27.000 A lot of it is subjective, but you have to contemplate.

00:16:29.000 A guy throws a punch and the other guy counters with a leg kick.

00:16:33.000 Which one was harder?

00:16:35.000 Who do you give it to?

00:16:37.000 Some people give the punch to it.

00:16:39.000 Some people give the leg kick.

00:16:41.000 And in that case, I could see how it would be closer than I thought it was when I watched it last night.

00:16:47.000 But when I watched it last night, I thought it was Three rounds to two for BJ Penn.

00:16:52.000 That's what I thought.

00:16:53.000 I think there's been closer ones before.

00:16:57.000 To me, I could have taken either way.

00:17:00.000 Either way, it wasn't ridiculous to me that he won. 0.95

00:17:03.000 But 45 to 50 was ridiculous.

00:17:05.000 And the reason why I say it wasn't as ridiculous is because when I was calculating, when I was watching it, like in the first round, he lands a really nice leg kick at one point. 0.85

00:17:13.000 And then BJ hits him with a punch. 1.00

00:17:14.000 And BJ hit him with a couple other punches during the takedowns.

00:17:17.000 And he hit B.J. with a few punches and one of them cut him.

00:17:20.000 So that probably affected people because B.J. had like a little mark under his face.

00:17:24.000 So sometimes judges look at that and they go, yeah, he got the best of that round just because of a little cut.

00:17:29.000 Sometimes that affects him.

00:17:30.000 So, you know, it's so subjective, man.

00:17:33.000 But then the second round, I was like...

00:17:35.000 BJ's landing more punches.

00:17:37.000 They're like landing more.

00:17:38.000 Frankie's throwing more. 0.69

00:17:39.000 He's moving more.

00:17:39.000 He's making BJ fight his fight.

00:17:41.000 He's definitely making BJ chase him.

00:17:43.000 So you gotta take that into account.

00:17:44.000 Like, who's doing better there?

00:17:46.000 Who's got better ring generalship or control of the octagon?

00:17:49.000 Well, BJ's the one forcing the fight. 0.99

00:17:51.000 He's chasing after him.

00:17:52.000 But Frankie is really avoiding too much damage.

00:17:54.000 But I think the cleaner shots were landed by BJ. And then as it got into the later rounds, then it seemed like Frankie...

00:18:01.000 The only round that was really clear to me was the fourth or the fifth round rather.

00:18:05.000 The fifth round was clear.

00:18:06.000 That was all Edgar.

00:18:07.000 He took him down.

00:18:08.000 He landed some real good shots.

00:18:10.000 It was a good round.

00:18:11.000 It seemed like a round for him where BJ was fading. 0.99

00:18:14.000 Every other round but the fifth was like, man, who fucking knows? 0.56

00:18:18.000 Well, it's kind of like if you see a fight at a cafeteria, you're not talking about the first five minutes of a fight. 0.93

00:18:22.000 You're talking about what the end of the fight is.

00:18:24.000 Yes.

00:18:25.000 Who's dominating at the end of the fight.

00:18:26.000 That's a very good point.

00:18:27.000 That's a very good point.

00:18:28.000 And you know what?

00:18:28.000 A lot of people feel like fights should be scored that way.

00:18:31.000 That they're different than any other sport.

00:18:34.000 And that the end really is what matters because they've been imposing their will on each other.

00:18:38.000 And here's the end result. 0.99

00:18:39.000 The end result of 25 minutes of imposing their will was that Frankie Edgar was kicking BJ's ass. 1.00

00:18:44.000 He took him down. 1.00

00:18:45.000 He leg kicked him.

00:18:46.000 He was moving better.

00:18:48.000 And at the end, BJ chased after him at the very few final seconds.

00:18:52.000 But he knew that it was the final seconds.

00:18:54.000 I would love to hear...

00:18:56.000 BJ's not the type of guy to make excuses.

00:18:58.000 Other people would tell you...

00:19:00.000 Oh, that's true.

00:19:01.000 Vaseline.

00:19:02.000 Well, but that might have been true, though.

00:19:04.000 It could have been totally true.

00:19:05.000 Okay, let's be honest.

00:19:06.000 It was true. 0.75

00:19:07.000 They rub it on the guy's face, and you see him rub it on the guy's chest, and rub it on the guy's back.

00:19:11.000 I'm just kidding.

00:19:12.000 I'm just kidding.

00:19:12.000 I know you are.

00:19:13.000 But that's 100% illegal.

00:19:14.000 And I love Phil Nurse.

00:19:15.000 I think he's a great coach.

00:19:16.000 And I love GSP. I love the both of them.

00:19:19.000 But you can't do that. 0.98

00:19:20.000 I believe when they say that this fucking witch doctor guy tells him to do this thing, because he explained it to me. 0.98

00:19:26.000 He explained it to me this weekend. 0.99

00:19:28.000 It seems like...

00:19:29.000 Total malarkey.

00:19:31.000 It's like, you know, he's telling me there's three mines, there's a mine here, a mine here, and a mine here, and this pressure builds up in a chain and you have to release and you grab here and you press.

00:19:40.000 You know why that works?

00:19:41.000 It works if you believe it works.

00:19:42.000 That's why that works. 0.99

00:19:43.000 And there's a lot of shit like that. 0.99

00:19:45.000 Like, I know a dude who's a chiropractor slash healer. 0.99

00:19:50.000 And a lot of people swear by him.

00:19:52.000 And the reason why they swear by him is because if you believe that what he's doing is going to heal you, your body has an amazing ability to heal itself.

00:19:59.000 Negative and positive thinking and negative and positive beliefs about your life are, without a doubt, Self-fulfilling prophecies.

00:20:06.000 You can decide that your life is awesome and your life becomes awesome. 0.96

00:20:10.000 You can decide that your life sucks.

00:20:11.000 You can decide that you're healing and you heal. 0.94

00:20:13.000 You can decide that you're not in pain and you won't be in pain.

00:20:16.000 And you can make pain happen. 0.99

00:20:18.000 Especially when it comes to back shit. 1.00

00:20:20.000 There's real injuries and people get car accidents and fucking jujitsu. 1.00

00:20:24.000 You get your neck cranked. 0.96

00:20:25.000 But there's also people that It's a placebo.

00:20:45.000 So, anyway, I would like to talk to BJ and find out, was he in shape?

00:20:50.000 Because he didn't look as good as he usually looks.

00:20:52.000 I mean, he didn't look fat, but he didn't look as hard as he looked in the Sanchez fight.

00:20:56.000 In the Sanchez fight, he looked sculpted.

00:20:58.000 In this fight, he had a little bit of a belly, like a little bit of fat on his waist.

00:21:02.000 So maybe he had an injury.

00:21:04.000 Because he also didn't sit down in his stool in between rounds, which I thought was unusual.

00:21:08.000 Was it him that had the thing on his leg?

00:21:10.000 He had a knee sleeve on, and he didn't sit down in between rounds.

00:21:13.000 In between rounds, he stood up, and he put his leg up on the stool.

00:21:17.000 And they said that to him at one point in time.

00:21:19.000 BJ, put your leg up.

00:21:20.000 Put your leg up.

00:21:21.000 Wow.

00:21:21.000 Well, there you go.

00:21:22.000 But I don't know what that means.

00:21:23.000 It could be a cramp.

00:21:24.000 It could be nothing.

00:21:25.000 It could be, you know...

00:21:26.000 Dude, it's that humid, and you just got done fighting.

00:21:28.000 You're going to want to sit down if you can't.

00:21:30.000 Yeah, I would think so.

00:21:31.000 I would think so.

00:21:32.000 I don't know what it is.

00:21:33.000 But see, he hasn't said a word about it, so I don't know.

00:21:36.000 So I think I could easily see how someone could give that fight to Frankie Edgar.

00:21:41.000 It totally makes sense to me.

00:21:43.000 And I said, when I saw it live, I was like, man, I don't know.

00:21:47.000 Either way.

00:21:47.000 By the end of the fight, Edgar was winning the fight.

00:21:50.000 And like you said, that should count more.

00:21:52.000 That's the way Pride scores it.

00:21:54.000 The way Pride used to do it.

00:21:55.000 They counted the fight as one whole thing.

00:21:57.000 That's how it should be.

00:21:58.000 That's how I think it is.

00:21:59.000 I totally agree with you.

00:22:01.000 I think fights are not like any other sport.

00:22:05.000 There was a fight between Ryo Chonin and Brad Blackburn once. 0.97

00:22:09.000 Brad Blackburn was kicking Ryo Chonin's ass for two rounds. 0.99

00:22:13.000 And then in the third and final round, Rio Chonin came on strong, and he battered Blackburn, just beat the fuck out of him. 0.99

00:22:20.000 Like, really, like, went after him and broke his nose and, like, had him running from him.

00:22:25.000 Total domination in the third round.

00:22:26.000 So there was so much difference between The first two rounds, which were pretty close, but Blackburn was winning.

00:22:31.000 Blackburn was getting his shots in. 0.99

00:22:33.000 But Chonen keep coming forward, but Blackburn was kicking his ass. 0.99

00:22:36.000 But then the third, Rio Chonen just turned it on. 0.98

00:22:39.000 But Rio lost the fight.

00:22:40.000 He lost the decision because Blackburn won the first two rounds.

00:22:43.000 And I said that's the clearest example to me of how someone won the fight.

00:22:50.000 But lost the fight at the same time.

00:22:53.000 He won a decision.

00:22:54.000 Right.

00:22:55.000 But he lost the fight.

00:22:56.000 Right.

00:22:56.000 Like, if it was a fight, that guy lost the fight.

00:22:58.000 Yeah, what's crazy about, imagine two guys fighting, and at the last second, the guy hits a guy, but knocks him out right when the bell hits.

00:23:06.000 Yeah.

00:23:06.000 You know?

00:23:06.000 And the other guy won, because he was doing the rest of the fight better, you know?

00:23:09.000 But, you know what I mean?

00:23:10.000 Like, what if that were to happen?

00:23:12.000 Well, if God knocks him out, he knocks him out.

00:23:13.000 No, no.

00:23:14.000 Right at the bell, though.

00:23:15.000 Like, ding!

00:23:15.000 Bam!

00:23:16.000 Guy knocks out.

00:23:17.000 You know?

00:23:18.000 Oh, like after the bell?

00:23:19.000 Right, right.

00:23:19.000 That's a good point.

00:23:20.000 You know?

00:23:21.000 Well, you would say that the guy dropped his guard because he heard the bell.

00:23:24.000 No, no.

00:23:25.000 If it was like full for that bang, like ding, bonk, you know?

00:23:28.000 I think as long as he was already committed to the punch before the bell rang, it wouldn't be a problem.

00:23:34.000 But you know what I mean? 0.99

00:23:35.000 That's like some crazy last second buzzer shit. 0.99

00:23:37.000 Right. 0.99

00:23:39.000 No, see, because it, because Leota Bechida did that. 0.98

00:23:42.000 He knocked out Tiago Silva at the bell.

00:23:45.000 Like, at the buzzer.

00:23:46.000 Oh, really?

00:23:47.000 And he put him out.

00:23:49.000 It was like during the horn, I think, going off.

00:23:51.000 Really?

00:23:52.000 Or very close.

00:23:53.000 Very close.

00:23:54.000 Within, like, a second.

00:23:54.000 Why don't, so, has there been any talk about taking the pride rules?

00:23:58.000 No.

00:23:59.000 You know what?

00:24:00.000 It's so hard to reason with the people that are involved in sanctioning.

00:24:04.000 It's so hard to get things sanctioned.

00:24:06.000 And the thing I've said before, people complain about elbows.

00:24:09.000 Like this elbow, which is what they call the 12 to 6 elbow coming straight down.

00:24:14.000 Yeah.

00:24:14.000 The only reason why that was made illegal was because Big John McCarthy, this came straight from his mouth, when he was educating the commission and they were trying to legislate mixed martial arts, the people in these athletic commissions were worried that downward elbows on ESPN at 2 o'clock in the morning can break bricks.

00:24:32.000 You know, there's fucking karate demonstrations. 0.99

00:24:35.000 So they're like, well, we can't have that because you can hit someone and kill them. 1.00

00:24:39.000 Okay, so you can't do that.

00:24:40.000 But you can still do this, which is more powerful.

00:24:43.000 I think this is less powerful than this.

00:24:46.000 This right here seems to get more weight into it.

00:24:49.000 It's a more natural motion.

00:24:51.000 This is pretty strong, but I don't think it's as good as this.

00:24:55.000 It's like hitting someone on the head like that is not as strong as hitting someone like that.

00:24:59.000 Like when you turn your body into something, you have more power.

00:25:03.000 And I think that makes more sense that this elbow, like the elbow that Jon Jones Broke Brandon Vera's eye socket with.

00:25:10.000 That's that elbow.

00:25:11.000 That's a legal elbow. 0.99

00:25:12.000 But it's like powerful as fuck. 0.98

00:25:14.000 Why is the other one illegal and this one's legal? 1.00

00:25:18.000 That's nuts.

00:25:18.000 I kind of get it though, because there's a big reason why the UFC used to be on a VHS tape with Faces of Death in my collection.

00:25:27.000 That used to be shocking, almost disturbing.

00:25:29.000 Like, oh, I don't want to watch!

00:25:31.000 Because it was like, this guy could die.

00:25:32.000 No, I definitely agree that there should be rules.

00:25:35.000 And I definitely agree that there should be sanctioning. 0.99

00:25:37.000 It should be rational shit. 0.99

00:25:40.000 I don't think you should soccer kick people on the ground. 1.00

00:25:43.000 But I do think that if a guy's on his back, he should be able to kick you in the face.

00:25:48.000 If you're on your knees, so what? 0.97

00:25:49.000 He should still be able to kick you in the face. 0.99

00:25:51.000 You're punching him in the face. 0.99

00:25:52.000 Why can't he kick you? 1.00

00:25:53.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

00:25:54.000 If you're on one knee, you can blast someone in the face with a punch. 1.00

00:25:58.000 Why can't he kick you in the face? 0.99

00:26:00.000 You're trying to hit him. 1.00

00:26:01.000 Right.

00:26:01.000 Well, you can't move as good?

00:26:02.000 Well, don't be there then. 0.96

00:26:04.000 That's ridiculous. 0.55

00:26:05.000 You're taking away an important weapon for the guy in the bottom. 1.00

00:26:08.000 You should be able to upkick the fuck out of someone when they're on their knees. 0.98

00:26:11.000 If that guy's trying to punch you in the face and you're lying on your back, it's not like your weight is on top of him, like you're stomping him. 0.99

00:26:17.000 Right.

00:26:17.000 You're kicking from your back at him.

00:26:19.000 You should be able to kick his fucking head like a soccer ball. 1.00

00:26:22.000 When you're lying on your back and a guy's on his knees on top of you trying to punch you, you should be able to kick the fuck out of him. 1.00

00:26:28.000 And it should be much more, put yourself in much more jeopardy. 0.97

00:26:33.000 You're in much more danger when you're on top of a guy then.

00:26:35.000 And that's how it should be.

00:26:36.000 Because that's how it is in real life.

00:26:37.000 Right.

00:26:37.000 That's how it should be.

00:26:38.000 It shouldn't be this unrealistic thing where the guy has to be standing up over you for you to kick him in the face. 0.58

00:26:43.000 No. 0.90

00:26:44.000 It should be, you can kick him as long as you're on the bottom. 0.99

00:26:47.000 As you're on the bottom, you can kick him. 0.99

00:26:48.000 And if you're on the top, you can kick everything except his head. 0.99

00:26:51.000 And that's what it is. 0.97

00:26:52.000 You can kick a guy in the body when he's on the ground. 0.99

00:26:54.000 You know, you can kick a guy in the legs. 0.97

00:26:56.000 You can kick a downed opponent. 0.98

00:26:58.000 So a downed opponent should be able to kick you.

00:27:00.000 Anywhere.

00:27:01.000 Anywhere he wants that's legal.

00:27:03.000 There's a lot of rules that need to be changed, though.

00:27:05.000 Like, Gracie's never tapped.

00:27:06.000 Come on.

00:27:09.000 That last Gracie fight.

00:27:10.000 That fight.

00:27:11.000 He wasn't going to tap.

00:27:13.000 That's one of those fights, though, that I was like, alright, there should be just a cut.

00:27:17.000 Alright, fight's over.

00:27:18.000 Because there were so many times where I'm like, why is this guy even bothering me?

00:27:20.000 Let's finish with the Frankie Edgar fight before we talk about that fight, though.

00:27:24.000 Because I think...

00:27:26.000 Like I said, scoring is a very subjective thing.

00:27:29.000 You could say that Frankie Edgar outworked him because he threw more punches and he landed leg kicks.

00:27:34.000 BJ didn't land that many leg kicks.

00:27:35.000 Frankie definitely landed more leg kicks. 1.00

00:27:36.000 He mixed it up more, had takedown attempts.

00:27:38.000 So I could definitely see him winning the fight.

00:27:40.000 I could see it being an argument.

00:27:42.000 Because no one can say that their opinion, when something's that close, you can't really say that your opinion's right or wrong.

00:27:49.000 But the fifth round, he won.

00:27:52.000 He won the fifth round.

00:27:53.000 I don't see how anybody could argue that he didn't.

00:27:55.000 But Douglas Crosby, man, 50 to 45. That makes no sense.

00:27:59.000 That's ridiculous. 0.97

00:28:00.000 That doesn't make any sense. 0.99

00:28:01.000 He must have been drunk.

00:28:02.000 That's why the refereeing should be done by 100 people.

00:28:06.000 Yes, I think you're right.

00:28:07.000 I think three is too little.

00:28:08.000 And you know, here's another problem.

00:28:10.000 Maybe the refereeing should be done in some sort of an online thing where people, they get picked.

00:28:16.000 Absolutely.

00:28:17.000 They get picked.

00:28:18.000 They're like posters on message boards, guys who are big fans, guys who really, really understand the sport, and we do it electronically.

00:28:23.000 What's the thing that's...

00:28:26.000 It measures TV ratings and stuff.

00:28:28.000 A Neilson box?

00:28:29.000 Yeah, something like that.

00:28:30.000 You're automatically picked.

00:28:30.000 No, I think you should pick only a certain amount.

00:28:32.000 I don't think it should be like millions of people.

00:28:34.000 Oh, no.

00:28:34.000 I don't mean millions.

00:28:35.000 Yeah, like a hundred.

00:28:36.000 It's like that though.

00:28:37.000 You're picked by a company.

00:28:37.000 It's an idea, but you know what?

00:28:38.000 The problem is they don't have to be there live to really...

00:28:41.000 Then there's that too.

00:28:42.000 There's that argument.

00:28:43.000 There's that live.

00:28:45.000 It's actually not as good.

00:28:46.000 No, you're not seeing the whole thing.

00:28:47.000 Angles and everything.

00:28:48.000 Right.

00:28:48.000 You're not seeing the whole angles and you don't get to see monitors.

00:28:52.000 You know, like when you're live, like when I'm doing commentary, I've got two monitors to my right and one to my left.

00:28:59.000 So there's all sorts of angles.

00:29:01.000 Like sometimes we're looking at a fight and we're watching it live through the cage and right when some shit goes down, they'll move in front of a barrier or they'll move in front of one of the poles and I can't see shit for a second and then I have to turn to the monitor. 0.52

00:29:14.000 Or they're on the ground and from the angle where I'm at, all I see is one The side of a person's body. 0.90

00:29:20.000 Like, they're on the ground, but they're on the other side of the octagon.

00:29:22.000 I can't see it, so I have to look to the monitor.

00:29:24.000 The judges don't get that.

00:29:25.000 They don't get monitors.

00:29:26.000 So these guys are just watching the fight as it's happening from the angle that they get. 0.98

00:29:31.000 And, you know, I argued with the fucking athletic commission guy about it, and he's like, well, you know... 0.80

00:29:38.000 This is, you know, that's why we have three judges, so they all have different angles. 0.98

00:29:41.000 Well, no, because you're gonna get one guy who's gonna give a shitty angle.

00:29:45.000 Exactly.

00:29:45.000 You can't see it as well.

00:29:46.000 He's just guessing. 1.00

00:29:46.000 Give him fucking monitors. 1.00

00:29:48.000 They should have monitors. 1.00

00:29:49.000 They should have it like ER style, where the doctors are all above looking down at the fight.

00:29:54.000 Absolutely.

00:29:55.000 Kind of like ER. Absolutely.

00:29:56.000 You know?

00:29:56.000 But the problem is, even if above, what you would really have to do is be in there.

00:30:00.000 Right.

00:30:01.000 And we can't have that.

00:30:02.000 No.

00:30:02.000 Above with monitors.

00:30:04.000 The cameras are better.

00:30:06.000 Really watching it.

00:30:06.000 Watching it live is better for the excitement.

00:30:09.000 Like, there's nothing that beats that excitement.

00:30:11.000 Right. 0.98

00:30:11.000 It's fucking nuts, you know? 0.98

00:30:13.000 And when you're there and, you know, fucking, you know, Randy Couture is stepping in to fight Brock Lesnar and the place is going bananas, you know, that's pretty intense, you know. 0.99

00:30:23.000 You can't recreate that at home. 0.96

00:30:25.000 At home it's fun, but when you're there live, you feel like you're a part of history. 0.99

00:30:31.000 Like you feel like you're a part of some wild-ass shit, you know. 0.98

00:30:34.000 When Shogun and Machida fight in Montreal in May, being in that arena, when those two guys step in there for the rematch, that's going to be everyone in the fucking place is going to have goosebumps. 0.99

00:30:44.000 That's going to be nuts, man. 0.91

00:30:46.000 Because they're going to know this is history, man. 1.00

00:30:47.000 These guys went at it for five fucking rounds. 0.99

00:30:50.000 Everybody thought Machida was totally untouchable. 0.99

00:30:52.000 And then most people thought Shogun won the decision.

00:30:55.000 And now they're going at it again.

00:30:57.000 And it's live and it's happening right now.

00:30:59.000 Here we go.

00:31:00.000 Watching at home is pretty dope.

00:31:02.000 You know, you get the commentary, you get the replays, you get all the information, but watching it live, there's some special crackle in the air.

00:31:08.000 Well, you're also front row in the middle.

00:31:11.000 Most of the time when I watch live, I watch the monitors.

00:31:13.000 Like, I watch it while they're standing up, but once it's down, I'm looking at the monitor.

00:31:17.000 Right, and you're from the floor.

00:31:19.000 You're, like, right there, too.

00:31:20.000 Yeah, and I'm only, like, a couple rows, you know, but still I'm watching the monitors.

00:31:24.000 Yeah, being right there is pretty dope.

00:31:25.000 To be able to look through the cage, it's almost worth keeping that UFC job just for that.

00:31:30.000 Yeah.

00:31:30.000 Did you ever get, like, blood splat right on your face?

00:31:33.000 Yeah, I got hit this weekend.

00:31:34.000 Oh, you did?

00:31:34.000 I got hit on my arm.

00:31:35.000 Yeah, one of the prelims.

00:31:37.000 You just lick it up a little? 1.00

00:31:39.000 I just sucked on it. 0.99

00:31:39.000 I made tea out of it. 0.99

00:31:40.000 I told him to get myself hot water.

00:31:41.000 Get in my DNA! It was pretty intense.

00:31:45.000 Yeah, there was a lot of blood in a couple of the fights.

00:31:49.000 That was in the Paul Kelly-Matt Veach fight.

00:31:54.000 Matt Veach had a horrible cut.

00:31:56.000 He had a couple of them and just splattered.

00:31:58.000 They were right in front of us and they were beating on each other and just the blood just went flying.

00:32:05.000 So that's my take on the controversy on the Frankie Edgar BJ Penn fight.

00:32:10.000 I think Frankie Edgar fought a hell of a fight.

00:32:13.000 It was a tremendous performance.

00:32:15.000 I was super impressed with him.

00:32:18.000 But I'm not exactly sure if I agree with the verdict.

00:32:22.000 I definitely don't agree with 50-45.

00:32:24.000 But I thought it was a very close fight. 0.98

00:32:25.000 And obviously I'm not a judge, so who the fuck am I to judge? 0.95

00:32:28.000 And I definitely could see an argument for Frankie winning it. 0.97

00:32:31.000 And like I said, he put on a tremendous fight.

00:32:33.000 I mean, really impressive.

00:32:34.000 And definitely won the last round.

00:32:36.000 So if you look at it in terms of, like we said, that's the way it should be.

00:32:41.000 The guy who wins the last round wins the fight.

00:32:43.000 I mean, they've...

00:32:45.000 They've imposed their will upon each other, and the end result is, after all this time, this guy's dominating the other guy.

00:32:51.000 Right, right.

00:32:53.000 Cafeteria rules.

00:32:54.000 There's another school of thought where you have to take the champion's title, which I don't really agree with.

00:32:59.000 I think the decision should be clear, but I think you go in neutral.

00:33:03.000 I think when a guy's a champion, you go in neutral.

00:33:06.000 You know, you both go in neutral, and if the champion, you know, if you win the decision, you're the new champion.

00:33:10.000 If he wins the decision, he's the new champion.

00:33:12.000 It doesn't have to be some crazy domination, you know, because that's what leads to, like, shitty decisions where a guy really does beat the champion, but he only edges him, and then he never gets the nod. 0.95

00:33:22.000 Those are frustrating as fuck, because you think, he did it, I think he did it. 0.99

00:33:25.000 The other problem with the Frankie Edgar fight, this was an interesting point, is that when you're watching a guy who you think is going to get his ass kicked... 0.99

00:33:35.000 A lot of people did. 0.89

00:33:36.000 A lot of people thought Frankie Edgar was going to get, you know, BJ Penn is the greatest lightweight of all time.

00:33:41.000 Frankie Edgar got beat by Gray Maynard.

00:33:44.000 They're like, there's no way this guy's going to beat him.

00:33:46.000 So people think that because he's doing well, he's winning.

00:33:50.000 Like, wow, he's doing better than I thought he was doing. 0.99

00:33:52.000 So they say, holy shit, he's beating him. 0.99

00:33:54.000 He's beating him. 0.99

00:33:54.000 But when you go back and you watch it, That's why it's so much pressure to be a champion. 0.99

00:34:00.000 So much pressure.

00:34:01.000 I'll never forget this.

00:34:02.000 When BJ Penn beat Matt Hughes, I interviewed Matt after the fight and Matt said that he was relieved.

00:34:09.000 Really?

00:34:10.000 Yeah.

00:34:10.000 He was super honest.

00:34:11.000 He said, you don't know what it's like To be a champion, and everybody's always gunning after you, he goes, to be honest with you, I'm really relieved.

00:34:18.000 And I was really like, first of all, I was very impressed with his honesty.

00:34:21.000 You know, that's a very honest thing to say, you know. 0.96

00:34:24.000 When you just fought, and you're standing there covered in sweat, naked in front of the fucking whole world, you're like, I'm relieved, I just lost. 0.95

00:34:31.000 Now I can catch a breath, you know, relax. 0.97

00:34:33.000 And then he came back and won the title again.

00:34:35.000 You know, so I think he...

00:34:36.000 Learn from the experience, but I think it's a tremendous amount of pressure for guys to fight and defend the title, and to always worry about defending the title, especially in something like mixed martial arts. 0.98

00:34:48.000 I mean, it's probably a tremendous amount of pressure if you're a fucking basketball team, you know, defending their world championship, but a fighter, there's always guys coming up that are gunning for you, and every time you watch a UFC, there's some new murderer, Who's head kicking dudes into a fucking coma. 0.99

00:35:06.000 And he wants to do the same shit to you. 1.00

00:35:08.000 And he's talking shit about you. 1.00

00:35:09.000 Calling you a faggot and a bitch. 1.00

00:35:11.000 And like, Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:35:12.000 You know, these guys get... 0.97

00:35:14.000 That's why they're so goddamn sensitive. 0.91

00:35:16.000 Is that what's going on right now with Tito and Liddell, isn't it? 0.96

00:35:18.000 It seems like it.

00:35:19.000 It seems like they're fighting back and forth.

00:35:20.000 Tito is not fighting Chuck Liddell.

00:35:22.000 Oh, really?

00:35:22.000 Not fighting Chuck Liddell.

00:35:23.000 Chuck Liddell is going to be fighting Rich Franklin.

00:35:26.000 And I can only say this because it's...

00:35:27.000 Officially been released.

00:35:28.000 It was on the UFC's website.

00:35:30.000 I can't say why.

00:35:32.000 They've been going back and forth on Twitter.

00:35:33.000 I've been noticing it.

00:35:34.000 It's kind of getting dirty.

00:35:36.000 It'll all come out what happened in time.

00:35:39.000 I can't talk about it though.

00:35:43.000 That's what it is.

00:35:44.000 So, anyway, that's that.

00:35:48.000 But, you know, when dudes are defending their title, I think there's a lot of emotions at stake.

00:35:54.000 And I think that's one of the things that people have to take into consideration with this Anderson Silva fight.

00:35:59.000 You know, Anderson Silva, everybody's angry at him.

00:36:03.000 And it was a very disappointing fight. 0.99

00:36:05.000 Especially because the first two rounds, he looked like fucking Bruce Lee. 1.00

00:36:10.000 I mean, it was like ridiculous shit. 1.00

00:36:12.000 That flying knee that he hit him with in the first round, you're like, Jesus Christ, he's just going to steamroll this guy. 1.00

00:36:17.000 He's just going to keep doing this until this guy just crumples.

00:36:20.000 He's just going to keep attacking at will, and he's breaking his dude's will.

00:36:24.000 It was totally humiliating.

00:36:25.000 But I think that the emotion of defending the title, the emotion and the pressure of being regarded as the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, I think that's an insane amount of pressure.

00:36:37.000 I think it's insane. 0.99

00:36:39.000 And I think when Damian Maia said shit to him, like, I'm going to take one of his arms home with me, you know, Henderson got fucking crazy. 1.00

00:36:46.000 So when he was in there after the first round, after he was kicking his ass, in the second round, he just started talking mad shit and yelling at him in Portuguese. 1.00

00:36:53.000 I wish I understood what the fuck he was saying. 0.99

00:36:55.000 That's not been translated yet? 0.98

00:36:56.000 Well, some people have given rough translations of it on the internet, but I don't know how you could possibly hear.

00:37:01.000 I watched the fight, and I turned the volume way up, It's so hard to discern what he's saying because there's no microphone on him.

00:37:08.000 He's not mic'd.

00:37:09.000 Headphones, man.

00:37:10.000 And the crowd is screaming and cheering and we're talking over him.

00:37:13.000 So me and Mike, we're talking like, what is he saying?

00:37:16.000 And he's going nuts, screaming and yelling at...

00:37:19.000 Even if he had headphones on, I think it would still be hard.

00:37:22.000 Screaming and yelling at Damien Maia and I guess he was calling him a spoiled, rich kid or something like that.

00:37:29.000 Like, just Damien Miles, like, comes from a better upbringing.

00:37:32.000 I don't know what it was.

00:37:33.000 Where's your jiu-jitsu now is another thing that people were speculating.

00:37:36.000 He was saying, like, where's your jiu-jitsu?

00:37:38.000 Where is it?

00:37:38.000 Bam!

00:37:39.000 Then kicks up.

00:37:39.000 Where's your jiu-jitsu?

00:37:40.000 See, I didn't have a problem with it.

00:37:42.000 I'm not on the boat that Dane is on and everyone else is on with it because I don't care about the respect thing. 0.93

00:37:47.000 To me, if he can play fucking air guitar in the ring, you're putting him up against somebody that shouldn't be there. 0.89

00:37:55.000 If you put him in with a Brock that's just attacking him where he doesn't have a chance to do all this fun shit in the ring, then that's different than that guy just going to his back every time because he wants to do jiu-jitsu. 0.98

00:38:05.000 I mean, if he doesn't want to do... 0.73

00:38:06.000 He was laying on his back.

00:38:08.000 He kept on going to his back.

00:38:09.000 To me, I was like...

00:38:10.000 Well, he only went to his back because he failed the takedown, and he has to do that.

00:38:14.000 He has to fall backwards because if he moves forwards, he's going to get punted.

00:38:20.000 When you shoot on a guy and you don't get the takedown...

00:38:24.000 What happens is, say you shoot on a guy, you try to get a hold of him, and he sprawls.

00:38:28.000 When a guy sprawls, he kicks his legs back.

00:38:31.000 When he kicks his legs back, you have to follow his legs with your legs to try to stay a hold of him.

00:38:36.000 But of course Anderson knew this was going to happen, and Anderson is so much more explosive and so much faster than him.

00:38:42.000 Like I've always said, I think he's in the Matrix. 1.00

00:38:44.000 I think he's just seeing this shit. 1.00

00:38:46.000 He can see something going on five seconds before it happens. 1.00

00:38:49.000 And I think, alright, you've got to get somebody that's in the Matrix also.

00:38:52.000 Okay, but how come he couldn't keep doing that?

00:38:54.000 Because he didn't do that in the fourth round. 0.99

00:38:56.000 In the fourth round, he got fucking whomped. 0.99

00:38:57.000 In the fourth or the fifth, he got hit with a big ass left hand. 0.99

00:39:01.000 You know why? 0.95

00:39:01.000 Because he stopped doing it because he heard all the people booing at him and probably Dynamite. 0.95

00:39:07.000 Got up and left or something crazy like that.

00:39:10.000 He probably was like, alright, I guess I have to get out of this matrix for a while and be somebody that I'm not. 1.00

00:39:15.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.97

00:39:16.000 If you look how smooth and calm he was up to about the fourth one, then it seems like something happened between the third and the fourth. 1.00

00:39:23.000 He was yelled at or something, don't you think?

00:39:25.000 He got tired.

00:39:26.000 That's what happened.

00:39:27.000 He got tired.

00:39:27.000 We're outside.

00:39:28.000 It's super humid. 0.99

00:39:29.000 It's hot as fuck. 0.99

00:39:31.000 It's first time fighting outside. 0.99

00:39:34.000 He's gotten two rounds of clowning in.

00:39:38.000 I think all that energy that he expended, he could not keep up that kind of pace.

00:39:43.000 He was winning the fight based on sheer explosion.

00:39:46.000 And absolutely, totally avoiding any damage.

00:39:48.000 Right.

00:39:49.000 Which is his style.

00:39:50.000 But then he got hit.

00:39:51.000 When he got hit in the third round, or the fourth round rather, I think it was the fourth or the fifth, he got hit with a big left hand.

00:39:56.000 I think he shut down. 0.99

00:39:57.000 I think he was like, fuck this. 1.00

00:39:58.000 I think he really decided, like, I can get hurt here. 0.99

00:40:02.000 You know, like...

00:40:03.000 He's tired.

00:40:04.000 So he just decided to keep moving.

00:40:05.000 I really do think that's what happened. 0.99

00:40:07.000 Because the fifth round, he didn't do jack shit. 0.99

00:40:10.000 There was one segment where he was standing over Maia and Maia was throwing bombs at him from his knees. 0.99

00:40:16.000 Maia was throwing punches from his knees. 1.00

00:40:19.000 And Maia was just trying to fucking kill him. 1.00

00:40:21.000 He just couldn't connect to them. 0.99

00:40:22.000 And in that kind of exchange, normally, Anderson just lights dudes up.

00:40:28.000 That kind of exchange, the guy's coming at him, attacking him, bombing him, and he doesn't counter?

00:40:32.000 Why isn't he countering?

00:40:34.000 He's tired.

00:40:35.000 That's what happened.

00:40:36.000 And I don't hear a lot of people saying this.

00:40:38.000 I think in the fourth and the fifth rounds, I think he was tired.

00:40:41.000 I think he was too tired to...

00:40:43.000 To fight at his normal pace, which is his explosion inside and outside, his speed that he uses.

00:40:50.000 He's lightning fast, man.

00:40:52.000 And when he dives in like that, he's so much faster than everybody else.

00:40:54.000 And that's one of the keys to his countering.

00:40:56.000 But when he got tired, he wasn't as fast anymore.

00:40:59.000 He just wasn't.

00:41:00.000 He lost a lot of esteem.

00:41:01.000 And I think he decided to just coast. 1.00

00:41:03.000 He was like, fuck it. 1.00

00:41:05.000 I won this fight. 1.00

00:41:06.000 I'm just gonna coast.

00:41:06.000 So do you think that's his fault for being able to coast?

00:41:09.000 That's a good point.

00:41:10.000 Because, I mean, Brock wouldn't let somebody coast for two rounds.

00:41:14.000 Neither would, you know, Fedor.

00:41:16.000 Fedor would put a guy out.

00:41:18.000 He would find the guy and put it.

00:41:19.000 But Fedor, you know, is not afraid to get hit.

00:41:22.000 Anderson never gets hit.

00:41:23.000 Fedor gets his face busted up.

00:41:24.000 I mean, the Brett Rogers fight, like, right in, like, first round, first minute, he got hit with a big jab, and his nose broke open.

00:41:32.000 He had a cut on his nose going into the fight.

00:41:35.000 Anderson never gets cut.

00:41:36.000 He never gets hit.

00:41:37.000 He got hit more in the Damien Maia fight than I'd ever recall him.

00:41:40.000 He definitely got hit harder. 0.98

00:41:42.000 There's one animated gif online that someone found of Damien Maia stepping in and cracking Silva with a big fucking left hand. 0.99

00:41:53.000 It really hit him square. 0.98

00:41:54.000 Silva wobbled and moved away and started dancing. 0.62

00:41:58.000 That's a guy who got hit.

00:41:59.000 That's a guy who was tired and got hit. 0.99

00:42:00.000 I think he fucked around too much in the beginning. 0.99

00:42:02.000 He blew a ton of energy. 0.99

00:42:04.000 We're outside.

00:42:05.000 It's humid. 0.99

00:42:06.000 And then, I think, psychologically, he starts thinking, what the fuck am I doing? 0.98

00:42:10.000 You know? 1.00

00:42:10.000 I'm acting like an asshole and screaming and yelling at this guy. 1.00

00:42:13.000 And then he's standing in front of the dude clowning him and he gets cracked. 1.00

00:42:16.000 And then I think he just decided to move. 1.00

00:42:18.000 Just fuck this. 1.00

00:42:18.000 See, I'm a huge Silva fan still. 1.00

00:42:20.000 I don't care what happened. 1.00

00:42:22.000 I think if anything he learned his lesson in this shit. 1.00

00:42:26.000 But I don't... 1.00

00:42:27.000 Like all these people are like, you know...

00:42:28.000 Blaming him for this, and I just don't see it.

00:42:31.000 I'm like, why isn't the other guy let him do all this?

00:42:35.000 Here's the problem.

00:42:36.000 First of all, it was a historic UFC. He was the headline fight, and one of the goals, of course, besides winning, winning is the number one goal for a fighter, but the other goal is to entertain.

00:42:47.000 You have to realize that you're in a partnership with the UFC, and the UFC sells pay-per-view.

00:42:52.000 And what they sell pay-per-view on is based on how impressive and exciting your performance is.

00:42:58.000 Yeah, but would you do that?

00:42:59.000 When you play easy and you just run away and you don't attack, he could have finished that guy off in the second round.

00:43:04.000 He could have maybe finished him off even in the third round.

00:43:06.000 He had just put himself in danger.

00:43:08.000 And he's not willing to put himself in any danger.

00:43:10.000 And he's very smart for that.

00:43:13.000 He's a well-calculated fighter.

00:43:15.000 I don't blame him.

00:43:15.000 I see the argument for that.

00:43:17.000 However, for what he did in the fourth round and the fifth round, I don't see an argument for him. 0.99

00:43:21.000 Because he didn't do shit. 0.98

00:43:23.000 He didn't attack at all. 0.99

00:43:24.000 He didn't fight.

00:43:25.000 He literally didn't fight.

00:43:26.000 Maybe he couldn't.

00:43:28.000 He definitely couldn't fight the way he fought in the first two rounds.

00:43:32.000 And he's not willing, I think, at this point in time, with all the pressure on him...

00:43:36.000 Being widely regarded as the best pound for pound fighter in the world, he's not willing to get an exchange and get cracked.

00:43:41.000 He's got a tremendous ego.

00:43:42.000 Especially for entertainment.

00:43:44.000 I see the entertainment thing, but I also see, hey, is this entertainment part going to make me lose this fight?

00:43:50.000 Because if it is, I'm not going to do that.

00:43:52.000 Yeah, I mean, look, I think there's definitely some worry about that.

00:43:55.000 I think he definitely was worried about, you know, if he was tired and if he was going to those fourth and fifth rounds, The only thing that makes sense to me is that he moved around because he didn't feel like he could fight at the pace that he fought at before, and when that guy hit him, he said, you know what, this isn't a game.

00:44:10.000 I could get hurt here. 0.71

00:44:10.000 I could lose, and I would look completely retarded. 0.71

00:44:13.000 Right. 0.93

00:44:13.000 So let's just move around. 0.93

00:44:14.000 Fuck this guy. 1.00

00:44:15.000 I'll throw some feints. 1.00

00:44:16.000 Right.

00:44:16.000 I'll move around and feint.

00:44:17.000 The other guy should have attacked him more.

00:44:18.000 Yes.

00:44:19.000 He couldn't.

00:44:20.000 The bottom line with Damian Maia is that Damian Maia has a tremendous heart, but his striking is so below what Anderson's is.

00:44:27.000 The only way it's going to work is if Anderson's really tired.

00:44:30.000 And Anderson wasn't willing to stand in front of him when he's really tired.

00:44:33.000 So who do you think Silva can fight that would just change the game? 0.99

00:44:36.000 The guy would come in there and won't let Silva do any of this shit? 0.99

00:44:39.000 It's a good question. 0.99

00:44:40.000 Some people say Vitor Belfort, but the problem with Vitor Belfort is Vitor has had some Very uneven performances.

00:44:49.000 Sometimes he just looks unstoppable.

00:44:51.000 Like against Rich Franklin, against Vanderlei Silva.

00:44:54.000 He comes charging out in the first round.

00:44:56.000 But sometimes against Sakuraba, things don't go his way and he kind of shuts down. 0.99

00:45:01.000 And guys wind up beating his ass. 0.98

00:45:02.000 He broke his hand in the Sakuraba fight early. 1.00

00:45:05.000 And you could see him totally shut down. 1.00

00:45:07.000 And Sakuraba just kicked his ass. 1.00

00:45:09.000 In the Randy Couture fight, same thing. 1.00

00:45:11.000 Randy Couture just broke him.

00:45:12.000 Got on top of him and just beat him up.

00:45:14.000 In his first fight with Randy Couture and in his third fight, the second fight stopped really quickly because Randy had a cut on his eyelid and his eyelid opened up like it was split in the middle.

00:45:23.000 He got glanced with a punch and then Vitor became the champ for one fight.

00:45:29.000 And then when Randy beat him up in the rematch, Randy got on top of him and just broke him.

00:45:33.000 You know, Vitor, if guys put a tremendous amount of pressure on him in the past, they've been able to break him.

00:45:40.000 But the other argument to that is he was going through a tremendous amount of personal problems back then.

00:45:44.000 He's a different guy now.

00:45:45.000 His sister had been abducted and kidnapped and killed.

00:45:48.000 And he was like really devastated for years, you know, and that he's over that now.

00:45:52.000 And he's very religious and more at peace with himself and more.

00:45:55.000 Like, in tune.

00:45:57.000 And his last few performances have been staggering.

00:45:59.000 Like the Matt Lindland destruction.

00:46:01.000 He destroyed Matt Lindland.

00:46:02.000 He looked outstanding.

00:46:03.000 And then he came to the UFC and destroyed Rich Franklin. 0.99

00:46:05.000 I mean, he looked scary as fuck. 0.97

00:46:07.000 And Anderson, you know, did not want that fight. 1.00

00:46:10.000 They were talking mad shit to each other. 0.91

00:46:12.000 I mean they were you know Anderson's manager was trying to say that Vitor doesn't deserve the title fight like what are you talking about? 1.00

00:46:18.000 He's the scariest motherfucker at 185 besides Anderson. 0.98

00:46:21.000 Of course he deserves it. 1.00

00:46:22.000 I don't think they wanted that fight I think that you know They can talk all the shit they want about him being weak and he breaks mentally. 0.99

00:46:30.000 He comes at you in that first round. 0.98

00:46:32.000 You have to fight him before you break him, okay? 0.98

00:46:34.000 And before you break him, he's throwing light speed fucking barrages of punches like no one else in the business. 1.00

00:46:40.000 He's scary as fuck. 0.99

00:46:42.000 And if he really is a better, more mature person, if he really is more centered now, and he's not going to break, and really is at home with himself, and really his problems in the past were he was going through a lot of emotional and personal problems, but those have actually made him stronger... 1.00

00:46:57.000 If that's the case, everybody's fucked. 0.99

00:46:59.000 Because that guy's a freak. 1.00

00:47:01.000 He's so fucking fast. 0.99

00:47:03.000 He might be the only guy that's faster than Anderson. 0.99

00:47:05.000 He's a counter-striker.

00:47:07.000 And he's not as long as Anderson, so Anderson would have a little bit of an advantage, a reach advantage. 1.00

00:47:12.000 But goddamn, Vitor is fast as fuck. 0.99

00:47:14.000 He's a super athlete. 1.00

00:47:15.000 John Jones is a freak too.

00:47:16.000 But John Jones is 205. John Jones can't make 185. What about GSP versus Silva?

00:47:20.000 Could that ever happen?

00:47:21.000 It was going to happen.

00:47:23.000 That should happen.

00:47:24.000 It was going...

00:47:25.000 No, they'll never do that now.

00:47:26.000 They can't trust Anderson.

00:47:27.000 Now they can't trust him to perform.

00:47:29.000 And this is what I was saying before.

00:47:30.000 This is why this fight was so important.

00:47:32.000 This is why they're so pissed.

00:47:33.000 Okay?

00:47:34.000 Because of the last two rounds, you know, him just running away.

00:47:37.000 The UFC is owned, 10% of it's owned by Flash Entertainment, which is the royal family in Abu Dhabi.

00:47:44.000 And this was like a huge showcase for them.

00:47:46.000 This was like their big acquisition.

00:47:49.000 You know, they're partners now and they're going to help bring the UFC to all these world markets all over the world.

00:47:54.000 So everyone's all excited about this.

00:47:56.000 Right.

00:47:57.000 So then they have this huge event where it's like a $3 million gate, okay?

00:48:02.000 For the ticket sales? 0.99

00:48:04.000 They have fucking Ferrari World. 0.99

00:48:06.000 They put it inside Ferrari World. 0.99

00:48:07.000 First outside thing.

00:48:08.000 The thing looks fantastic.

00:48:09.000 The crowd is insane.

00:48:11.000 The crowd was awesome.

00:48:12.000 They were so pumped up. 0.96

00:48:13.000 Everybody was super fucking rowdy. 0.99

00:48:15.000 Every fight was chaos. 0.98

00:48:17.000 Except the BJ Penn Frankie Edgar fight.

00:48:18.000 That was just very close.

00:48:20.000 But there was some wild ass fights before the Brad Blackburn and Demarcus Johnson. 0.99

00:48:26.000 God damn! 0.99

00:48:27.000 Kendall Grove and Mark Munoz. 1.00

00:48:29.000 That fucking fight was awesome. 1.00

00:48:30.000 It was just nuts. 1.00

00:48:31.000 The crowd is hyped to the gills.

00:48:34.000 Anderson Silva comes in. 1.00

00:48:35.000 They go fucking crazy. 0.99

00:48:37.000 They know sunshine when she's gone. 1.00

00:48:40.000 The music plays.

00:48:40.000 You see him dancing.

00:48:41.000 They're going fucking bananas. 0.99

00:48:43.000 And he runs for the last two rounds. 0.99

00:48:45.000 And, dude, it was a disaster. 0.99

00:48:48.000 Everybody walked out of there with their head hung, shaking their head, going, what the fuck? 0.99

00:48:52.000 Everyone was disappointed. 0.99

00:48:54.000 It wasn't like...

00:48:55.000 There was two arguments.

00:48:56.000 Some people were saying, well, I see his point.

00:48:59.000 Why take a chance?

00:48:59.000 No.

00:49:00.000 Everyone was bummed out. 1.00

00:49:01.000 What the UFC sells is just wild shit. 1.00

00:49:06.000 You're selling wild fucking chaos fights. 1.00

00:49:09.000 The most exciting sport in the world. 1.00

00:49:11.000 What Anderson Silva is selling is he's the very best at the wild shit. 0.99

00:49:16.000 And meanwhile, he didn't do it. 0.99

00:49:18.000 The last two rounds, he just ran away.

00:49:20.000 That's...

00:49:21.000 Terrible for the business.

00:49:22.000 It's terrible for what the UFC is trying to accomplish in other countries.

00:49:27.000 It's terrible for their new partnership with Flash Entertainment.

00:49:30.000 It's terrible to have a UFC outside and all the fighters be out of their element too.

00:49:34.000 It is.

00:49:35.000 You're right.

00:49:36.000 But it's even.

00:49:37.000 They're both out of their element.

00:49:38.000 Yeah.

00:49:39.000 But they're also, I mean, that's just different.

00:49:41.000 You know, that's like playing football in the snow.

00:49:42.000 By the time he was fighting though, it had cooled down.

00:49:45.000 It had cooled down to like maybe the 70s.

00:49:47.000 But the first guys.

00:49:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:49:51.000 John Madsen and Mustafa Alturk, those motherfuckers fought in a sauna. 0.99

00:49:55.000 So what do you think about that Gracie fight though? 1.00

00:49:56.000 I thought that was awful.

00:49:58.000 Well, Henzo hadn't trained for two and a half years.

00:50:01.000 Wow.

00:50:02.000 That's a long time.

00:50:03.000 He said he didn't train at all.

00:50:04.000 That's what he said in the post-fight interview.

00:50:05.000 And then he trained for six months for the fight and it just wasn't enough.

00:50:10.000 Matt Hughes, for him, he had been looking to knock somebody out forever.

00:50:13.000 So for him, it was an awesome opportunity to finally get someone who's going to stand in front of him.

00:50:17.000 Wow.

00:50:17.000 Yeah, I like Matt Hughes in it.

00:50:19.000 Yeah, he leg kicked the shit out of him. 0.94

00:50:21.000 I thought he was going to take him down. 0.99

00:50:22.000 I thought he would beat him from the top.

00:50:24.000 Because Matt Hughes, even though Kenzo has really good jiu-jitsu, Matt Hughes' jiu-jitsu is very underrated.

00:50:29.000 He's very strong and is wrestling.

00:50:32.000 Look what he did to Hoist when he got him on the ground.

00:50:34.000 He just ran through Hoist when he got him on the ground. 1.00

00:50:36.000 He's strong as fuck, man. 0.99

00:50:38.000 I just think it would have been more exciting if they went to the ground. 1.00

00:50:42.000 Both would have been in their element.

00:50:44.000 Instead, it was like a sloppy kickboxing match. 0.93

00:50:46.000 It was bad.

00:50:47.000 It looked like Ultimate Fighter, like the first episode.

00:50:50.000 Yeah, like the TV show.

00:50:54.000 They're both doing things they're not good at.

00:50:57.000 It's like you and I, we're going to have a one-on-one game of basketball. 0.97

00:51:00.000 We both suck at basketball. 0.77

00:51:02.000 It would be terrible. 1.00

00:51:05.000 If they tried to take each other down and had a ground battle, that would have been exciting as fuck. 0.96

00:51:11.000 For Matt Hughes, though, it was a smart move. 0.97

00:51:13.000 He had an advantage standing up, and plus, no one's going to take him down.

00:51:17.000 It's very tough to take that guy down.

00:51:18.000 You've got to be like GSP to take Matt Hughes down.

00:51:20.000 So, he wasn't going to take him down, and Matt Hughes felt like he had an advantage standing, so beat him up.

00:51:25.000 So that's what he did.

00:51:25.000 He beat him up with leg kicks, slowed him down, and then eventually planted him.

00:51:30.000 You know, I think Matt Hughes still has a lot of fights in him if he wants to.

00:51:34.000 There's still a lot of good matchups for him if he really gets motivated.

00:51:37.000 I don't think he's going to fight like that with that many people, though.

00:51:39.000 I think his decision to stand up with him was purely based on that he felt like he had an advantage in that position.

00:51:46.000 He needs to change his opening song already.

00:51:48.000 I'm done with it.

00:51:48.000 Ow!

00:51:49.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:51:50.000 That's a goddamn classic. 1.00

00:51:52.000 What your man says is the end. 1.00

00:51:54.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:51:55.000 I'm gonna play that now because you say that, you motherfucker. 1.00

00:51:58.000 I'm just saying that, you know, it's... 1.00

00:52:00.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:52:01.000 I'm done with that. 1.00

00:52:02.000 I think...

00:52:02.000 My favorite fights are that Japanese dude that's not fighting anymore at the UFC because he lost the last one where he dresses up and he has fun with the opening.

00:52:11.000 Like, the Japanese pride guy...

00:52:12.000 Gono?

00:52:13.000 Gono's the best.

00:52:14.000 He is my favorite, man.

00:52:16.000 I wish they would.

00:52:18.000 There's no chance he's ever coming back to UFC, right?

00:52:20.000 Yeah, there's a chance.

00:52:21.000 Oh, really?

00:52:22.000 Gono's still pretty young, man.

00:52:23.000 I like him.

00:52:24.000 He's one of my favorites. 1.00

00:52:24.000 You love this song, motherfucker. 1.00

00:52:26.000 This is his walkout. 1.00

00:52:34.000 Come on, man. 1.00

00:52:34.000 This is a great goddamn song. 1.00

00:52:37.000 You never wanted to live in the woods like this motherfucker? 1.00

00:52:40.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:52:40.000 I liked it the first 500 times I've heard it. 1.00

00:52:43.000 God, I don't give a shit. 1.00

00:52:44.000 When he comes after that and he's fucking chewing on his mouthpiece, come on, son. 1.00

00:52:49.000 This is the greatest walkout music ever. 0.99

00:52:50.000 I know.

00:52:51.000 In my opinion, there's no better walkout music than this song from Matt Hughes.

00:52:56.000 There's no better match.

00:52:58.000 What's better?

00:52:59.000 Come on, son.

00:53:02.000 It's perfect, Lauren.

00:53:05.000 Mix it up a little.

00:53:06.000 I'm always about mixing it up a little.

00:53:08.000 Nah, you lie. 1.00

00:53:09.000 The guy won a million fucking fights with that song. 1.00

00:53:12.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:53:13.000 It's the greatest song ever. 1.00

00:53:14.000 Plus, the UFC owns that song.

00:53:15.000 Oh, that's perfect.

00:53:17.000 They bought the rights to that song because of Matt Hughes.

00:53:19.000 Yeah, so they can use it all the time. 1.00

00:53:21.000 Yeah, the UFC is fucking, they're crazy. 0.98

00:53:24.000 Is there any word on a new Kimbo fight? 0.99

00:53:26.000 Kimbo versus Mitrion, May 9th.

00:53:29.000 Nice.

00:53:30.000 In Montreal.

00:53:31.000 Nice.

00:53:31.000 You can go if you want.

00:53:32.000 Want to come to Montreal?

00:53:33.000 Where's it at?

00:53:33.000 Montreal?

00:53:34.000 No, I don't want to go.

00:53:35.000 Look at that. 0.99

00:53:36.000 Kid gets fucking floor seats to the UFC. Hey, how about all you people out there that are like, fuck man, I would like to go. 1.00

00:53:42.000 You can't even go. 1.00

00:53:43.000 That's bullshit, alright? 0.99

00:53:47.000 I actually prefer it, dude. 1.00

00:53:49.000 Watching it on TV. You would too.

00:53:51.000 I bet you would too.

00:53:52.000 If you were with us, we'd go to Barney's Beanery now.

00:53:55.000 There will come a time where I'll be watching it on TV. I'm not going to do this forever.

00:53:58.000 We go to Barney's Beanery.

00:53:59.000 There's a TV at our table.

00:54:01.000 A plasma right in front of us.

00:54:03.000 There's a movie theater of TVs.

00:54:04.000 We've got waitresses bringing us the joke. 1.00

00:54:06.000 Worst food ever.

00:54:07.000 Beer.

00:54:08.000 There's like 20 of us.

00:54:09.000 I mean, it's like a party.

00:54:10.000 That's better, right?

00:54:11.000 It's way better.

00:54:12.000 It is better. 1.00

00:54:13.000 God damn it. 1.00

00:54:15.000 You gotta call in sick soon. 1.00

00:54:16.000 I know, right?

00:54:18.000 I'm responsible for part of the entertainment part of it, the talking part.

00:54:23.000 I like watching it with commentary, man.

00:54:26.000 I'd way rather watch somebody else do commentary, like Michael Chiavello. 0.99

00:54:31.000 If Michael Chiavello and Goldberg got together and put a fighter in there, like Pat Miletic or something like that, I'd be happy as fuck. 0.98

00:54:37.000 To sit home and watch that, you know? 0.99

00:54:39.000 It's too bad you can't do it from your home. 0.99

00:54:41.000 Like, you know how, like, XM radio stations, they could do their shit from home now? 0.99

00:54:45.000 Too bad you can't just sit there with a TV and watch it. 0.96

00:54:46.000 No, because I have to interview the fighters.

00:54:48.000 What are they going to do?

00:54:49.000 Holograms, man.

00:54:50.000 With a monitor?

00:54:51.000 Real doll. 1.00

00:54:54.000 The robot fucked all of me. 1.00

00:54:57.000 That's what we were talking about before, that when they could replicate people, the first thing they'd do is replicate celebrities so you could fuck them. 1.00

00:55:06.000 Eventually, though, I'm just going to do stand-up. 0.99

00:55:08.000 I don't know when it's going to happen, but Maybe sooner than later.

00:55:12.000 I don't like all this traveling.

00:55:14.000 It's getting crazy.

00:55:16.000 There's one thing that everyone was talking about at the bar I was at, is that there's too many UFCs now.

00:55:22.000 They were all talking about that.

00:55:23.000 Really?

00:55:24.000 Yeah.

00:55:24.000 They're like, that's why we're coming here, because I can't afford two UFCs a month.

00:55:28.000 Meanwhile, the pay-per-view numbers are still awesome.

00:55:29.000 Oh yeah, absolutely.

00:55:30.000 They'll always be awesome.

00:55:31.000 You know, the point is though, the more they do it, the more it grows, and the more it becomes a part of the culture.

00:55:36.000 And it's 12 months a year, and it never stops.

00:55:38.000 I mean, it really is going to take over everything.

00:55:41.000 You know what's going to happen eventually?

00:55:43.000 I'll probably just do the Vegas ones eventually.

00:55:45.000 I'll just do some of them.

00:55:46.000 Or the LA. When they come back to LA. They won't come back very often.

00:55:50.000 They go to LA once a year or every two years or something like that.

00:55:53.000 We've got too many places to go. 1.00

00:55:54.000 We've got to go to fucking... 0.99

00:55:56.000 Germany and Ireland and Australia. 0.99

00:55:59.000 How about Ohio?

00:55:59.000 Why does it have to be crazy?

00:56:00.000 Well, the WEC went to Ohio this year.

00:56:03.000 I know.

00:56:03.000 Why do you have to go to Afghanistan?

00:56:05.000 Why do you just go to Ohio?

00:56:07.000 Because they want to take over the world.

00:56:09.000 They want to take over the world.

00:56:11.000 Look, they have a product that was very, very undersold.

00:56:14.000 When they first came into the UFC, the UFC had insane potential, but very little coverage.

00:56:20.000 Very few people know about it.

00:56:21.000 When I first started working for the UFC, it was in 1997. And the company that I worked for was SEG, a much smaller company than the UFC now, Zufa.

00:56:31.000 A lot of the same guys are still there.

00:56:35.000 A lot of the behind the scenes guys. 0.99

00:56:37.000 We did shows in like little fucking high school auditoriums in like Dothan, Alabama and shit. 0.99

00:56:43.000 Like really small ass shows. 0.99

00:56:46.000 And we always said, you know what this sport needs? 0.99

00:56:48.000 This sport needs some fucking crazy billionaires who just love the sport to come in there and just shove it in front of people's faces. 0.99

00:56:55.000 Put it on TV, spend a fuckload of money, and make it huge. 0.99

00:56:58.000 But nobody ever thought that was really going to happen.

00:57:00.000 But that is what happened. 0.99

00:57:02.000 With Zufa, what happened is these guys that own 22 fucking casinos... 0.99

00:57:06.000 I mean, he's the perfect guy for it. 0.99

00:57:23.000 We don't have a president or CEO like that.

00:57:25.000 A fighting corporation?

00:57:27.000 There are no other ones, you know what I'm saying?

00:57:29.000 They would have a businessman who would step in and do it. 0.85

00:57:32.000 Meanwhile, Dana is just a nut and a crazy fight fan. 1.00

00:57:36.000 He's the perfect guy for the job. 0.80

00:57:37.000 Literally, you couldn't get a better guy for the job.

00:57:39.000 But then they took over, but they realized when they took over, once it started taking off after the Ultimate Fighter TV show started airing, They realized that all the sport needed in America was exposure.

00:57:52.000 And this is a sport that transcends cultural boundaries, languages.

00:57:56.000 It transcends everything.

00:57:58.000 Traditions.

00:57:59.000 Everybody understands fighting. 0.99

00:58:01.000 Nobody's going to watch fucking cricket in America. 0.99

00:58:04.000 You're never going to sell that. 1.00

00:58:05.000 You could try to make people think they're sophisticated if they enjoy soccer.

00:58:09.000 Or maybe your family's from Latin America, so you like soccer. 0.99

00:58:12.000 But no one is going to fucking buy cricket. 0.99

00:58:15.000 They're not going to buy cricket. 0.99

00:58:17.000 But fighting?

00:58:18.000 Fighting is everywhere.

00:58:19.000 You can watch fighting in China.

00:58:21.000 You can watch fighting in Germany.

00:58:23.000 It doesn't matter.

00:58:24.000 It doesn't matter if you understand the language.

00:58:26.000 I like watching the old prides.

00:58:29.000 I used to get prides straight from Japan.

00:58:32.000 And the commentary would all be in Japanese. 0.96

00:58:34.000 It was fucking awesome. 0.94

00:58:35.000 I didn't even know what they were saying. 0.88

00:58:36.000 What do we do?

00:58:39.000 We get knocked out.

00:58:39.000 What do we do?

00:58:40.000 They would go crazy screaming in Japanese. 0.99

00:58:42.000 It was fucking awesome. 0.98

00:58:43.000 I didn't have to know what they were saying. 0.97

00:58:45.000 I loved it.

00:58:45.000 I loved everything about Pride, even the opening walk.

00:58:47.000 I thought it was great. 0.99

00:58:48.000 I did like all the pageantry, how they had the giant screens with the dude's face on it and shit. 0.98

00:58:53.000 I thought that was pretty dope. 0.93

00:58:54.000 I think it's fun, man. 0.99

00:58:55.000 It's ridiculous.

00:58:56.000 They had pyrotechnics for a while, but then Johil de Oliveira got burnt. 0.84

00:59:00.000 We got barbecued during one of the pyrotechnics.

00:59:03.000 Well, that's what the CBS fight MMA tried to do, right?

00:59:06.000 Do they?

00:59:07.000 Yeah, they had live music bands like Kid Rock.

00:59:09.000 Oh, you're talking about Elite XC. Yeah, that was ridiculous. 0.86

00:59:13.000 That was so stupid. 1.00

00:59:15.000 They had a band play a song. 1.00

00:59:17.000 Although Affliction did that.

00:59:19.000 Yeah, it was affliction.

00:59:20.000 Of course. 1.00

00:59:21.000 Yeah, those silly fucks. 1.00

00:59:23.000 They had a band play a song in the middle of the fucking fight. 1.00

00:59:26.000 Like in the middle of the show. 0.99

00:59:28.000 Was it either in the middle of the show?

00:59:30.000 Did fights go on and then the band play?

00:59:32.000 Or did the band play in the beginning?

00:59:34.000 I think that's what it was.

00:59:34.000 In between fights or something like that.

00:59:36.000 So dumb. 1.00

00:59:37.000 You don't want to mix that. 0.99

00:59:38.000 It's like people have asked me before to open up for bands, like do comedy.

00:59:41.000 We're going to have like four bands.

00:59:43.000 We'd like you to go on the middle and do comedy. 1.00

00:59:45.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:59:45.000 It's the worst. 1.00

00:59:46.000 It doesn't work like that, man.

00:59:47.000 Nobody wants to see your comedy when they're in the groove to see music. 0.98

00:59:51.000 And nobody wants to see your fucking band if they're in the groove to see fights. 0.99

00:59:55.000 I agree. 0.99

00:59:55.000 It's just like, you can't stop a rock concert and put on a fight. 0.99

00:59:59.000 You can't do it.

01:00:00.000 It wouldn't be as good. 0.98

01:00:01.000 You couldn't have some fucking awesome Rolling Stones concert and then stop it halfway through the middle and have an MMA fight. 0.98

01:00:09.000 People will be like, what is this? 1.00

01:00:10.000 This is bullshit. 1.00

01:00:11.000 What am I watching? 1.00

01:00:12.000 Yeah, totally.

01:00:13.000 Phone ringing?

01:00:14.000 You only...

01:00:16.000 It's better when you only have one thing.

01:00:19.000 One thing is good.

01:00:20.000 These extravaganzas, that's why I hate doing award shows, doing comedy on award shows, because they have all these awards and little clips, and then you do stand-up in the middle of it.

01:00:31.000 It's like, ugh!

01:00:32.000 The last time I did that was the Guy's Choice Award for Spike.

01:00:35.000 It was disastrous.

01:00:36.000 It was terrible.

01:00:37.000 Nobody wanted to hear anybody's comedy. 0.87

01:00:39.000 The whole thing was like, they were sitting there for three hours watching some boring-ass award show. 0.98

01:00:44.000 It was like, They wanted to just get the fuck out of there by the time I got on stage. 0.98

01:00:47.000 Did you hear about the Conan deal? 0.89

01:00:49.000 Yeah, he's gonna do TBS. Right before Lopez.

01:00:51.000 That's awesome.

01:00:52.000 I think it's good for him.

01:00:52.000 You know why?

01:00:53.000 It's great for both of them, I think.

01:00:53.000 For both of them, yeah.

01:00:54.000 And you know why I think it's good for him, too? 0.99

01:00:56.000 It's because they'll let him do whatever the fuck he wants. 0.99

01:00:58.000 Yeah, it's TBS! What the fuck? 1.00

01:01:00.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:01:00.000 TBS is gonna blow up now. 1.00

01:01:02.000 It's gonna blow up.

01:01:02.000 And by the way, Conan's already rich, right?

01:01:05.000 He made so much money from that just leaving NBC. You know, they gave him like 35 million bucks.

01:01:10.000 He can do whatever the fuck he wants now. 0.95

01:01:11.000 Is TBS the same company as Spike? 0.99

01:01:14.000 No.

01:01:14.000 I don't think so.

01:01:15.000 I don't know.

01:01:16.000 Comedy Central is.

01:01:17.000 Comedy Central and Spike are.

01:01:18.000 That's why my special first aired on Spike and then aired on Comedy Central.

01:01:21.000 Right.

01:01:22.000 And you can get my...

01:01:23.000 That DVD's available now, so go buy that.

01:01:26.000 Amazon.

01:01:26.000 Link on your website.

01:01:27.000 Yeah.

01:01:27.000 It's on JoeRogan.net and it's on...

01:01:30.000 It was the number two on iTunes.

01:01:32.000 Yeah.

01:01:32.000 I don't know if it still is.

01:01:33.000 Yeah.

01:01:34.000 Robin Williams. 1.00

01:01:34.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:01:35.000 It's hilarious. 1.00

01:01:36.000 Did you ever go ahead of Beatle?

01:01:37.000 I don't know if I ever beat him.

01:01:38.000 I bet you have.

01:01:39.000 But God...

01:01:40.000 I don't get that.

01:01:42.000 I understand how some people think some things are funny.

01:01:46.000 There's some guys that I get that people think they're funny, but I don't see it.

01:01:49.000 The Robin Williams thing goes right over my head.

01:01:52.000 I go, what are you laughing at?

01:01:54.000 I have never laughed at him once.

01:01:56.000 Maybe in a movie. 0.99

01:01:58.000 When I was a kid, I listened to his stand-up because it was raunchy, like he was talking about his dick, and I was seven years old watching HBO. That's the only reason I ever liked him. 0.99

01:02:09.000 He never did it for me.

01:02:11.000 And then when I heard he was a giant thief, then he's forever tainted.

01:02:15.000 Even if he says something funny, I'm watching, he says something funny, I'm like, where'd you get that from? 1.00

01:02:19.000 Who'd you steal that from, you fuck? 1.00

01:02:22.000 Speaking of crazy celebrities, did you hear about Steven Seagal? 1.00

01:02:25.000 Steven Seagal got arrested?

01:02:26.000 He did?

01:02:27.000 That's impossible.

01:02:29.000 He's getting sued.

01:02:31.000 He didn't get arrested.

01:02:33.000 Andy Dick got arrested.

01:02:36.000 Did you hear about that?

01:02:37.000 He walked into someone's house.

01:02:39.000 He was also the day before he was thrown out of a winery in Santa Barbara for being too drunk.

01:02:46.000 How do you get thrown out of a winery?

01:02:48.000 I blame Dr. Drew.

01:02:50.000 You blame Dr. Drew?

01:02:51.000 If you're out there, I blame you.

01:02:53.000 Why do you blame Dr. Drew? 1.00

01:02:54.000 You have an able dandy dick, sir. 0.99

01:02:56.000 He was on Sober House with Dr. Drew. 1.00

01:02:59.000 Oh, that's the kind of...

01:03:00.000 Wasn't he?

01:03:00.000 I don't know.

01:03:01.000 Wasn't Dr. Drew Sober House?

01:03:02.000 Was that it?

01:03:03.000 I don't think so.

01:03:03.000 Whichever one it is.

01:03:04.000 What is it?

01:03:04.000 Celebrity Rehab?

01:03:05.000 Was he on that?

01:03:06.000 He was on one of them.

01:03:06.000 He was on Celebrity Rehab?

01:03:08.000 He said something.

01:03:09.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:03:10.000 He was probably just on Dr. Drew's dick. 1.00

01:03:11.000 Maybe I'm just a magic. 1.00

01:03:15.000 Dr. Drew.

01:03:16.000 We're just kidding.

01:03:17.000 Just kidding, Dr. Drew.

01:03:18.000 Just kidding. 0.99

01:03:19.000 Fucking Celebrity Rehab is spectacular. 0.99

01:03:20.000 Oh, it's one of my favorite shows ever. 0.99

01:03:22.000 If you ever wanted motivation to not do drugs, watch Tom Sizemore on Celebrity Rehab.

01:03:27.000 Dude, not even him.

01:03:28.000 What about that chick? 1.00

01:03:29.000 That annoying...

01:03:30.000 Heidi Fleiss?

01:03:31.000 No.

01:03:32.000 Oh, the other one. 1.00

01:03:33.000 The crazy sex addict chick? 1.00

01:03:34.000 I swear to God, she's one of those girls that they shouldn't even have her on the show because it's just disgusting to watch. 1.00

01:03:40.000 She's pretty gross. 1.00

01:03:42.000 I actually ended up liking the girl from that day. 0.70

01:03:44.000 What's that?

01:03:45.000 She used to be on that old sitcom that has the dog that died during the show. 0.88

01:03:49.000 That wrote the book about being molested.

01:03:51.000 Oh, Mackenzie Phillips.

01:03:52.000 I actually liked her.

01:03:53.000 She's a nice person.

01:03:55.000 Yeah, she seemed cool.

01:03:55.000 Her whole story is horrific.

01:03:58.000 Yeah, it is horrible. 1.00

01:03:59.000 If you don't know the story, Mackenzie Phillips' dad fucked her her whole life. 1.00

01:04:04.000 She had a sexual relationship with her dad. 1.00

01:04:07.000 Like, her whole life. 0.59

01:04:08.000 And her dad shot her up with heroin or with cocaine when she was 11. Jesus Christ.

01:04:14.000 What?

01:04:16.000 11. And her dad shot her up with coke.

01:04:19.000 I mean, the whole thing is just... 0.99

01:04:21.000 The most horrific thing you could ever possibly imagine, that someone would do this to their kid and fuck their kid their whole life, had a sexual relationship with their kid, to the point where she told her, like, hey, we could leave, we could go to countries where this is totally acceptable. 0.99

01:04:34.000 What country is he going to go to? 1.00

01:04:36.000 What country is it acceptable to fuck your kids? 1.00

01:04:39.000 Is there one out there? 1.00

01:04:40.000 No. 0.99

01:04:40.000 That should be just death. 0.99

01:04:42.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

01:04:44.000 That should be death. 0.98

01:04:45.000 Yeah, well, speaking of death, the Catholic religion is fighting to... 0.99

01:04:49.000 They're trying to impose a statute of limitations on sexual molestation cases.

01:04:54.000 Oh, really?

01:04:55.000 Because right now there's a statute of limitations on sexual molestation cases that's like...

01:04:59.000 I believe it's like 30 years.

01:05:02.000 So, they're trying to impose...

01:05:05.000 They're trying to make sure that that sticks.

01:05:08.000 They want to make sure that they don't change it to no statute of limitations.

01:05:12.000 Because then...

01:05:13.000 Anytime someone has a case.

01:05:15.000 Right now, if the case is more than 30 years old, I think it's 30 years.

01:05:19.000 Pretty sure.

01:05:20.000 If the case is more than 30 years old, you have to, if you're going to be a part of a case, you have to be joining with other people that are also inside the case. 0.60

01:05:30.000 So say if someone has a case that's 29 years old and yours is 30 and the same priest fucked you, then you can join in if yours is older.

01:05:37.000 But if yours is the individual case, they're saying they don't want you to be able to sue. 0.78

01:05:43.000 And people are saying, no, this is crazy.

01:05:46.000 And meanwhile, the Catholic Church is urging people to vote against this because they're saying that it's an assault on the church. 0.99

01:05:52.000 How is pedophiles, how is shielding pedophiles with a statute of limitations, how is that fucking helping the church? 0.98

01:06:00.000 And how would getting rid of... 0.98

01:06:03.000 Any statute of limitations that would impose a timeline for when you can be prosecuted for a horrible crime against humanity.

01:06:10.000 How could that be what God wants?

01:06:12.000 That God wants you to...

01:06:13.000 I'm sick of it, Joe.

01:06:15.000 You know, Joe, I was thinking about today.

01:06:17.000 I just got in a huge fight with my sister.

01:06:19.000 I unfaced Booker.

01:06:20.000 Oh, your sister?

01:06:20.000 Let's talk about it.

01:06:21.000 Well, you can't talk about it.

01:06:22.000 Well, I can't, but I can tell you about this.

01:06:23.000 I unfacebooked her, and because I unfacebooked her, she's about to have a baby, and she said that I could no longer be an uncle because I unfacebooked her.

01:06:32.000 But there's only two times...

01:06:33.000 You can't be an uncle?

01:06:34.000 Anymore.

01:06:34.000 She's not allowing me.

01:06:35.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:06:36.000 But this all stems...

01:06:37.000 You want to be an uncle to my daughter?

01:06:38.000 Huh, sure.

01:06:39.000 Oh, you're an uncle now.

01:06:39.000 I am uncle now.

01:06:41.000 See?

01:06:41.000 You can't steal!

01:06:42.000 You can't steal the uncle!

01:06:44.000 He's an uncle!

01:06:45.000 So anyways, there was two times that I've gotten into such a huge fight with my sister.

01:06:50.000 Both of these times it rooted from religion.

01:06:53.000 Well, you know what man?

01:06:54.000 People want to believe that there's some rules and regulations to the world.

01:06:59.000 Because it makes them feel better.

01:07:00.000 And when you come along and say that they're not, that they don't exist, then it makes them have to reevaluate their whole life. 0.99

01:07:05.000 They fucking hate it and they get angry at you. 0.99

01:07:07.000 Because you're fucking up their peace. 1.00

01:07:10.000 They've developed a peace of mind from the idea that God is great, God is good, you do the right things, you're going to go to heaven. 0.96

01:07:16.000 That helps them get through the day, man.

01:07:19.000 And for a lot of people, it's a nice, simple box to put the world in. 1.00

01:07:22.000 And when you go, fuck, it's a fucking box! 1.00

01:07:24.000 Look! 1.00

01:07:24.000 It's a box! 1.00

01:07:25.000 Throw it away! 1.00

01:07:26.000 They go, fuck you! 1.00

01:07:28.000 Give me my box! 1.00

01:07:29.000 And they want that box back, man.

01:07:31.000 It makes sense. 0.98

01:07:32.000 It's so ridiculous. 0.89

01:07:33.000 The real problem is when anybody tells you that they know. 0.98

01:07:36.000 That's when it's the problem.

01:07:37.000 Game over.

01:07:37.000 Game over, man!

01:07:39.000 Game over, man! 1.00

01:07:40.000 It's fucking... 1.00

01:07:40.000 Fuck this, man! 1.00

01:07:42.000 You can't tell me you know. 1.00

01:07:44.000 You don't know, man.

01:07:45.000 You're not dead.

01:07:46.000 You're not in heaven.

01:07:47.000 You're not an alien.

01:07:48.000 You're not from the future.

01:07:49.000 You don't know. 1.00

01:07:50.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:07:50.000 You don't know. 1.00

01:07:52.000 Fuck religion. 1.00

01:07:54.000 Fuck any ideologies. 1.00

01:07:55.000 Anybody telling you how you can live your life. 1.00

01:07:57.000 You know what is good?

01:07:59.000 When people offer advice and people say, this is what I've learned from my mistakes and this is what I've learned from my life.

01:08:04.000 And this can possibly benefit you if you come across the same situations.

01:08:08.000 This is what I've learned.

01:08:09.000 This made my life easier.

01:08:10.000 This made my life better.

01:08:11.000 I learned to be nicer to people.

01:08:12.000 I learned to suck it up when this happens.

01:08:14.000 I learned to look in the mirror when you got problems.

01:08:16.000 I learned to evaluate, you know, and look at my own life objectively before I start pointing the finger at other people.

01:08:21.000 Those are all things that can help you.

01:08:23.000 When you start talking about, you know, you kind of have pork and Allah does not work. 1.00

01:08:27.000 If a photo of Muhammad is available, you must die! 0.99

01:08:29.000 Jeez, that guy keeps on getting threatened. 1.00

01:08:31.000 He almost got murdered the other day.

01:08:33.000 Which guy?

01:08:34.000 The cartoonist that drew Muhammad. 0.94

01:08:36.000 Oh yeah.

01:08:36.000 The other day he almost got, it was like last week or something like that.

01:08:39.000 Dude, people have been killed for that.

01:08:41.000 People have been killed for drawing Muhammad.

01:08:43.000 Why is Trey Parker and Matt Stone not dead yet?

01:08:45.000 Did they draw Muhammad? 0.95

01:08:46.000 Oh, they had a whole episode about Muhammad.

01:08:48.000 That's a good question. 1.00

01:08:49.000 This guy just had a stupid family circus comic. 1.00

01:08:52.000 When I went over to Abu Dhabi, I was thinking, I hope none of these motherfuckers have a copy of Shiny Happy Jihad. 1.00

01:08:59.000 I know, I was thinking that too. 0.98

01:09:01.000 Dude, my last CD, not this one, but the one before that, was called Shiny Happy Jihad.

01:09:06.000 They probably know that.

01:09:07.000 I have a copy of it.

01:09:09.000 I'm gonna start giving them away.

01:09:10.000 Cause I just got a box of them.

01:09:12.000 Right.

01:09:13.000 Dude, your one CD's out of print.

01:09:14.000 I still think the idea of...

01:09:16.000 The first one?

01:09:16.000 I had an idea.

01:09:17.000 He has this old, old CD to...

01:09:19.000 Can't do it.

01:09:20.000 Remix it.

01:09:21.000 No, no.

01:09:21.000 Remix it.

01:09:22.000 Like, remix the bits into, like, you know?

01:09:24.000 Cause they're all lost bits.

01:09:25.000 Yeah, but they're gone.

01:09:26.000 They gotta go.

01:09:27.000 Yeah, but that's a good idea. 1.00

01:09:28.000 I need new shit, man. 0.99

01:09:29.000 I gotta keep going. 0.99

01:09:30.000 But this is...

01:09:30.000 This is what I was worried, if you're not familiar with any of my comedy...

01:09:35.000 It's called Shiny Happy Jihad, and it's me.

01:09:39.000 Can you see that?

01:09:40.000 Yeah.

01:09:40.000 It's me.

01:09:41.000 What is the glare here?

01:09:44.000 There we go. 0.99

01:09:45.000 It's me with fucking TMT, and it says Jihad on it. 0.99

01:09:50.000 I mean, it's probably one of my best CDs. 0.99

01:09:53.000 I think it's my favorite.

01:09:55.000 The last one is really good, too.

01:09:57.000 The last one's a little headier. 0.77

01:09:58.000 This one's a little sillier. 0.66

01:09:59.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:10:00.000 It's one of my favorites, but I was like, God, I hope none of these motherfuckers have this. 0.99

01:10:04.000 Because, like, half of the bits are about suicide bombing and fucking making fun of Osama Bin Laden living in a cave. 0.99

01:10:12.000 I mean, it's a lot of... 0.99

01:10:14.000 Jihad! 0.98

01:10:19.000 There's a lot of that in there.

01:10:21.000 Some guy remixed that Jihad and made a terrible song out of it.

01:10:26.000 I still think you need to work on your new song that you wrote in Tempe.

01:10:29.000 I think that's a great song.

01:10:31.000 Oh, I like that.

01:10:32.000 He has a song that's in Arizona that was number one.

01:10:36.000 Oh, that song.

01:10:38.000 Yeah, that song was really popular in Phoenix.

01:10:42.000 It's called Voodoo Panani. 0.98

01:10:43.000 It was number one for a couple of months because these guys, Tim and Mark, In Phoenix.

01:10:50.000 I love those guys.

01:10:51.000 Yeah, they don't work there anymore, unfortunately.

01:10:53.000 They got fired.

01:10:55.000 You probably don't know them.

01:10:57.000 You're thinking of somebody else.

01:10:58.000 No, the ones that we filmed the original DVD for like three years ago, four years ago.

01:11:03.000 Were they there?

01:11:04.000 Yeah, I filmed something for it.

01:11:06.000 Well, anyway, these guys, they started playing it. 0.99

01:11:08.000 It's this song about pussy, about voodoo pussy. 1.00

01:11:12.000 It's called Voodoo Poonanny. 1.00

01:11:13.000 But you can play it on the radio.

01:11:15.000 It's pretty clean.

01:11:16.000 It's all about...

01:11:17.000 Any guy knows what this is all about.

01:11:22.000 Vaginas are not created equal. 1.00

01:11:23.000 They're just not.

01:11:24.000 And sex is not equal either. 1.00

01:11:27.000 You can have sex with one person and it's boring as fuck. 1.00

01:11:30.000 And then you can have sex with another chick and she's just a goddamn freak. 1.00

01:11:33.000 And every now and then you'll come across a girl who's a freak and she's got a super pussy. 1.00

01:11:38.000 And there are pussies that are super pussies. 1.00

01:11:40.000 Where you get in and you're like, God damn! 1.00

01:11:43.000 There was this one girl that I used to fuck, and literally, her pussy was like, it was like velvet. 1.00

01:11:49.000 There was something going on in there. 1.00

01:11:50.000 It just gripped your dick. 1.00

01:11:52.000 And she wasn't a small girl. 1.00

01:11:54.000 She was tall. 1.00

01:11:55.000 But her pussy was super tight and always wet. 1.00

01:11:59.000 And she was just a total pervert. 1.00

01:12:02.000 Just a freak. 1.00

01:12:03.000 And literally, it was like a drug. 1.00

01:12:05.000 And I used to call it voodoo pussy. 1.00

01:12:08.000 I'm like, this bitch has got voodoo pussy. 1.00

01:12:10.000 So I had to write a song about voodoo pussy. 1.00

01:12:12.000 So I wrote this song, Voodoo Punani, which is on my 1999 CD, which is called, uh, I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday. 0.96

01:12:21.000 So, um, you know, I thought about writing another song.

01:12:25.000 I might write something else if I found a subject.

01:12:26.000 I like the new one.

01:12:27.000 I thought the new one that you...

01:12:28.000 New one's pretty funny. 0.99

01:12:30.000 I've seen your girl's butthole. 1.00

01:12:33.000 We were high one night and I just started singing that. 0.99

01:12:35.000 And it got stuck in everybody's head.

01:12:36.000 And all night we were just walking around going Tick-tock, I've seen your girl's butthole I can't tell you what the subject, why this came up There's this dude that we know Was dating this girl that does some things Where you might be able to see her butthole Like the whole world could see it It's funny I like that guy.

01:12:57.000 He's a good guy.

01:12:58.000 He's a good dude.

01:12:59.000 I like that dude.

01:13:01.000 So you've been using your iPad a lot lately?

01:13:05.000 Yeah, definitely.

01:13:06.000 How was the battery life?

01:13:07.000 Did you use it the whole way?

01:13:08.000 I used it the whole way.

01:13:09.000 I didn't charge it once.

01:13:10.000 I charged it right before I left, but I was reading with it every day, reading in bed.

01:13:15.000 I was surfing the web on it. 0.99

01:13:18.000 I was doing all sorts of shit on it, man. 0.84

01:13:20.000 I have a review I just did and I showed this new application that lets you take your iPhone and Bluetooth connects it to your iPad. 0.98

01:13:27.000 It's like a wireless webcam.

01:13:28.000 I saw that. 0.91

01:13:29.000 And that's just like a shitty programming. 0.85

01:13:31.000 Can you imagine if Apple releases...

01:13:33.000 Here's my rumor, what I think it's going to be.

01:13:35.000 I just made this up last night.

01:13:37.000 So they have the new iPhone that comes out in June.

01:13:39.000 They're going to announce.

01:13:40.000 There's all this rumor saying it's going to have a front-facing camera with iChat.

01:13:43.000 So you can do iChat live video on your phone.

01:13:45.000 So what I think, they're waiting for that rumor, and they're going to release a Bluetooth HD camera that will snap on top of your iTab and do the same thing.

01:13:53.000 So you can have like a little wireless camera for it.

01:13:56.000 Why don't they just have a camera built inside of it?

01:13:58.000 Why I have to hit some Bluetooth thing up? 1.00

01:14:00.000 That's gay. 1.00

01:14:00.000 Because then the Bluetooth is going to run out of batteries and how's it going to plug? 1.00

01:14:03.000 I'm going to have to charge it. 1.00

01:14:04.000 That's stupid. 1.00

01:14:04.000 Well, this new iPhone... 1.00

01:14:06.000 Why can't you make a camera in there?

01:14:07.000 I think they're going to have...

01:14:08.000 I think it's going to be like a $300 camera.

01:14:10.000 I think it's going to be like HD, like high quality camera.

01:14:12.000 You're just making this up.

01:14:13.000 Oh no, I am making this all up.

01:14:14.000 You're no different than those Jesus people. 1.00

01:14:16.000 This is my rumors.

01:14:17.000 I think it's going to go back in time. 1.00

01:14:20.000 I think you can go back in time with a new iPad and it'll suck your dick while you take a shit. 1.00

01:14:24.000 It's awesome. 1.00

01:14:25.000 That program alone just kind of made me go, you know what?

01:14:27.000 Something like this is coming.

01:14:28.000 That's what's going to happen eventually.

01:14:30.000 Eventually, it's going to be like a portal to another dimension.

01:14:33.000 There'll be a mouth on the other dimension. 1.00

01:14:34.000 You get a heart on, and you put the iPad, and your dick goes right through the iPad to someone's mouth. 1.00

01:14:39.000 Can you imagine? 1.00

01:14:41.000 You nut in another dimension.

01:14:42.000 Pull your iPad out.

01:14:44.000 What if it crashes halfway through? 1.00

01:14:47.000 And your dick is stuck in the fucking 11th dimension. 1.00

01:14:51.000 It's just floating around. 1.00

01:14:53.000 They'd have a special episode of Oprah Winfrey, guys who lost half their dick into another dimension. 0.98

01:14:58.000 Maybe one dude was like, I only lost a tip. 0.96

01:15:00.000 I was just about to put it in and we had a power outage.

01:15:03.000 I was just about to put it in and I guess it was some sort of a solar flare. 0.99

01:15:06.000 So now, I mean, the top of my dick is flat. 0.99

01:15:08.000 It's kind of a novelty. 1.00

01:15:11.000 It just goes in like a beer can.

01:15:13.000 It doesn't have a head.

01:15:14.000 It doesn't have a curve to it.

01:15:15.000 Just a big flat.

01:15:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:15:18.000 Who knows what the fuck is coming up next, man? 0.99

01:15:20.000 There's gonna be some crazy shit, though. 1.00

01:15:22.000 It's gonna keep going. 1.00

01:15:23.000 They're gonna keep inventing more and more nutty shit. 0.99

01:15:25.000 And like I said before, I think that it's all... 0.99

01:15:27.000 Everything has to do with connectivity.

01:15:30.000 Everything has to do with bringing people closer and closer together.

01:15:33.000 That's what this whole Tiger Woods thing is all about.

01:15:35.000 That this would not have happened 30, 40 years ago.

01:15:38.000 Because there wouldn't be the kind of connectivity that people have now with the internet.

01:15:41.000 The internet keeps everything alive.

01:15:43.000 It's getting worse and worse, man.

01:15:43.000 Did you hear...

01:15:44.000 What else just came out the other day? 1.00

01:15:46.000 Fucking Oprah Winfrey. 1.00

01:15:48.000 Oprah Winfrey, yeah. 1.00

01:15:49.000 Yeah.

01:15:49.000 And Jesse James.

01:15:51.000 It's just...

01:15:52.000 Jim Carrey.

01:15:53.000 There was a good whole article on this whole thing on Gizmodo or Gizmondo or whatever it's called.com about celebrities ruining their careers from Twitter and all that stuff because there's too much information getting out about them.

01:16:06.000 And, you know, it's crazy.

01:16:08.000 That is a good point because a lot of celebrities, really, the illusion is way better than who they are.

01:16:14.000 Oh, yeah.

01:16:14.000 You know, you get to know them.

01:16:15.000 Right.

01:16:15.000 You know, like, Because it is all a trick, you know?

01:16:18.000 Robert Schwarzenegger's a trick, obviously.

01:16:20.000 Well, look, you know how few actors would ever want to do something like this? 1.00

01:16:24.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:16:24.000 If they did, like... 1.00

01:16:25.000 Because look, look at us.

01:16:27.000 There's no makeup. 0.97

01:16:27.000 We're just fucking hanging out in my office. 0.97

01:16:29.000 Look, I'm a fucking slob. 1.00

01:16:30.000 That's all my shit. 1.00

01:16:31.000 I'm cleaning out my office. 0.99

01:16:33.000 This is my new desk is behind me. 0.98

01:16:35.000 I bought this fucking desk a year ago, and I still have not set it up yet. 0.98

01:16:38.000 The desk that everything's on right now is too big. 0.99

01:16:41.000 So this desk I'm getting rid of.

01:16:42.000 I'm moving that desk into place and that wall is going to be green screened.

01:16:46.000 I like how you always buy things and it's always in the plastic trunk.

01:16:50.000 You have so many things that you've never even opened.

01:16:52.000 Well, I am what you would be like if you were 12 years old and all of a sudden you had money.

01:16:58.000 Somebody just gave you free money. 1.00

01:17:00.000 You just buy stupid shit. 1.00

01:17:02.000 I have this because I think that I think a lot of things up in my car and I don't want to be fiddling around. 1.00

01:17:09.000 I just want to push a button.

01:17:11.000 So I got a digital recorder.

01:17:13.000 When I drive, I come up.

01:17:14.000 Do you drive?

01:17:15.000 Do you come up with a lot of ideas when you drive?

01:17:16.000 Yeah.

01:17:17.000 Yeah, I do.

01:17:17.000 But you know what's funny is we talked about this last week to the point where I have to get my words out as quick as possible.

01:17:24.000 It happened to me like two days after that.

01:17:26.000 I thought of this hilarious thing about Metallica.

01:17:28.000 People were talking about Metallica.

01:17:29.000 I'm like, oh, got to get my iPhone out.

01:17:31.000 Got my iPhone out.

01:17:32.000 And somebody says, hey, Brian.

01:17:32.000 I'm like, oh, hey.

01:17:33.000 Fuck, lost it. 1.00

01:17:35.000 Don't even remember what it is. 1.00

01:17:36.000 I've been trying to think about it all the time. 0.85

01:17:37.000 It was so fucking funny that I can't even remember. 0.61

01:17:39.000 Yeah, it's when someone's talking to you and you have an idea, you can totally lose it. 0.93

01:17:43.000 Like, I'll get, if an idea is awesome, I will cover my ears and run away from someone. 0.99

01:17:48.000 And they're like, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? 1.00

01:17:50.000 You're fucking rude. 0.99

01:17:52.000 And then I have to come back and explain to them, I'm so sorry. 0.99

01:17:54.000 I had an idea and it was super important.

01:17:56.000 But for me, any idea like that is like, those are diamonds.

01:18:01.000 There's ideas that I've come up with that became bits.

01:18:05.000 Those bits are so valuable to me.

01:18:08.000 You know, like my Anna Nicole Smith bit or something like that, like some of the classic bits that I had in the past. 1.00

01:18:13.000 What if, as I was thinking that up, somebody came up to me and started talking about their stupid bullshit? 1.00

01:18:17.000 Right. 1.00

01:18:18.000 Because some people are fucking brutal and they don't take the hint. 0.99

01:18:21.000 Right. 0.99

01:18:21.000 Ever. 0.99

01:18:22.000 Right.

01:18:22.000 Like, they just want to say what they have to say to you.

01:18:24.000 You can't say, hold on a second, hold on a second.

01:18:26.000 They'll just keep talking.

01:18:27.000 Hold on a second, dude, stop! 1.00

01:18:29.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:18:29.000 I forgot! 1.00

01:18:30.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:18:31.000 You know what I was watching the UFC next to a guy I just met, was a friend of a friend, but the whole fight, he sounded like a reporter from the 1920s talking to Dick Tracy. 1.00

01:18:41.000 He was like, Sal, what do you think about that, huh?

01:18:42.000 Hey, yeah, so what do you think about that, Sal?

01:18:44.000 And I'm like, he even talked like that.

01:18:45.000 He says, what do you think about his legs, huh?

01:18:47.000 I think his legs are good, huh? 1.00

01:18:48.000 And I'm just like, oh, shut the fuck up! 1.00

01:18:50.000 It's the worst. 1.00

01:18:53.000 I hate when people don't have that quality of self-evaluating.

01:18:57.000 You know what I mean?

01:18:58.000 That just drives me crazy when I meet somebody that does that.

01:19:01.000 How important is that?

01:19:02.000 It's insane.

01:19:03.000 We know a lot of people that don't have that quality.

01:19:06.000 We know a lot of people.

01:19:07.000 Most people don't have that quality.

01:19:09.000 It's a bad quality.

01:19:11.000 That's another thing.

01:19:12.000 The people who don't have that quality are usually not successful.

01:19:14.000 It's one of the reasons why they're not successful.

01:19:17.000 There's a disconnect between them and other people.

01:19:21.000 Other people do not see them the way everybody else does or them the way rather they see themselves.

01:19:28.000 They see themselves like completely distorted and that's why they haven't been successful.

01:19:32.000 They're not being objective because objectivity requires pain.

01:19:37.000 No one's perfect, especially when you're younger.

01:19:40.000 If you're not making mistakes, you're not trying.

01:19:42.000 If you're not trying, you're not going to get better at anything you do. 1.00

01:19:44.000 You're going to fuck up. 1.00

01:19:45.000 You're going to make horrible mistakes. 1.00

01:19:47.000 One of the reasons I got good at stand-up is because being bad at stand-up is so fucking painful. 0.88

01:19:52.000 You've got to find that out by getting in front of people and having them hate you. 0.94

01:19:56.000 Having them not laugh and boo you.

01:19:58.000 Well, a lot of people don't have an audience in their life.

01:20:00.000 They don't have anything to evaluate themselves with.

01:20:02.000 So they don't evaluate themselves.

01:20:04.000 So they have this distorted perception of how cool they are.

01:20:07.000 That's with guys and drinking That's the most painful.

01:20:11.000 Drinking?

01:20:12.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:20:12.000 Drunks are the worst. 0.95

01:20:14.000 And I've been... 0.97

01:20:15.000 I admit it.

01:20:15.000 I've done it before.

01:20:16.000 But I've also, the next day, slapped my forehead going, okay, next time I drink, I've got to remember that I do that.

01:20:23.000 But there's some people, especially the guys that get really close in your face when they're drunk.

01:20:28.000 Some dude did that in Abu Dhabi.

01:20:30.000 He kept telling me that he was some prince's cousin...

01:20:33.000 And bro, I did this and that. 1.00

01:20:35.000 And man, you come with me, all the bitches, man. 1.00

01:20:38.000 Come on, man. 1.00

01:20:39.000 We're going to do business together.

01:20:40.000 You and I are going to open up. 0.99

01:20:42.000 I'm like, get the fuck away from me. 1.00

01:20:44.000 You're spitting in my ear. 1.00

01:20:46.000 He's like, speeding, speeding in my ear, man.

01:20:50.000 And telling me how we're going to go into business together in Dubai. 1.00

01:20:53.000 Get the fuck out of here, man. 0.98

01:20:56.000 We're not going into business together. 0.99

01:20:57.000 It's called Zanku Chicken, my friend.

01:20:59.000 Mike Young used to do a joke about that.

01:21:01.000 It was one of my favorite Mike Young bits about how everybody who does coke wants to open up a business with you.

01:21:05.000 Because it's totally true.

01:21:07.000 When dudes do coke, they always have business plans.

01:21:09.000 Oh, they have all kinds of plans.

01:21:10.000 All kinds of plans.

01:21:13.000 Oh, coke is the worst drug in the world.

01:21:16.000 It's the worst drug that's ever been created. 0.98

01:21:18.000 It is the number one retard drug. 1.00

01:21:20.000 There's no better. 0.96

01:21:21.000 When you're out and you're surrounded by a bunch of cokeheads and they're just talking at you. 1.00

01:21:25.000 The worst is when you're high and they're coked up.

01:21:28.000 Is there ever a worse combination?

01:21:29.000 No, no.

01:21:30.000 There's no worse combination than when you're stoned and you're hanging around cokeheads. 1.00

01:21:34.000 Because stoned is like you're timid and you're humble.

01:21:38.000 You know, when you smoke pot, you start realizing, like, God, I'm like this fleshy little thing.

01:21:43.000 You know, like, if there's a lion in this room, that lion can just eat me.

01:21:46.000 There's nothing I can do about it.

01:21:47.000 When you're coked up, you never think about a lion.

01:21:49.000 Right. 1.00

01:21:50.000 And if you do, you're like, I need a fucking lion. 1.00

01:21:51.000 I'll tell that lion to suck my dick. 1.00

01:21:53.000 No, you can't. 1.00

01:21:54.000 Meth is the worst too.

01:21:55.000 Somebody put meth on there also.

01:21:57.000 Yeah, I agree with meth.

01:21:58.000 I wonder how many people...

01:22:00.000 Yeah, Robin Williams was a coke addict.

01:22:02.000 I wonder how many people...

01:22:05.000 That I've been around have been on meth and I didn't know it.

01:22:08.000 I bet a lot.

01:22:09.000 We're in LA, man. 1.00

01:22:11.000 I think half the people that we think are fucking crazy are just on meth. 1.00

01:22:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:22:16.000 Well, a lot of people are methed up, man.

01:22:18.000 That is definitely true.

01:22:19.000 A lot of people that are like... 0.90

01:22:20.000 When you see people that are real skinny and they look drawn out and they're fucking talking wacky, it's something. 0.91

01:22:25.000 What is it? 0.97

01:22:25.000 It's some sort of amphetamines, whether it's meth or... 0.97

01:22:28.000 Do you know that meth was invented during World War I and World War II, the Japanese used it for suicide bombers? 1.00

01:22:36.000 That's how they talk the kamikazes into fucking crashing their planes into boats. 1.00

01:22:39.000 No way, really? 0.99

01:22:40.000 Yeah, they would hook them up with meth.

01:22:42.000 Nice.

01:22:43.000 Yeah.

01:22:43.000 That's cool.

01:22:44.000 The government has not only experimented with that, I mean, the Japanese government gave them amphetamines and crystal meth and shit like that, but also steroids. 0.86

01:22:54.000 The United States government has done that in the past. 0.56

01:22:56.000 Soldiers have been told that they have to take certain pills, like you have to take things.

01:23:01.000 And when you take them and find out it's like Anabar, which is like an oral steroid, makes you super hyper-aggressive, which totally makes sense.

01:23:07.000 And when guys are juiced up, if guys are all juiced up, they feel like they're invincible.

01:23:12.000 Your body's all flooded with testosterone.

01:23:14.000 Gorillas must feel completely invincible.

01:23:17.000 When you're living in the woods, you're covered in hair, you weigh 800 pounds... 1.00

01:23:22.000 They don't worry about shit. 0.99

01:23:23.000 They could totally beat a fighter, by the way. 1.00

01:23:25.000 Gorillas versus a person.

01:23:26.000 Oh, crush a person.

01:23:28.000 No, I mean a person would beat a gorilla. 0.59

01:23:29.000 Oh, beat a gorilla?

01:23:30.000 That argument with Eddie?

01:23:32.000 Eddie was trying to make some crazy argument that there's people that could beat a chimp in a fight. 1.00

01:23:36.000 I'm like, you're out of your way. 0.84

01:23:37.000 The chimp would just bite your fingers off. 0.99

01:23:40.000 That's the first thing he would do. 1.00

01:23:42.000 Now try fighting, stupid. 1.00

01:23:43.000 Oh, you're punching him in the head? 1.00

01:23:45.000 Good. 0.99

01:23:45.000 He's grabbing a hand and eating your fingers. 0.99

01:23:47.000 So once all of your fingers are gone, then he's going to look at you and go, now what, bitch? 1.00

01:23:51.000 Now I'm going to eat your asshole. 1.00

01:23:53.000 And he'll dive onto your asshole and claw his way until he gets close to your butthole and you'll be fighting him off, but he's going to keep getting in there. 1.00

01:24:00.000 I thought Eddie was joking the whole time, but I don't think he was. 1.00

01:24:03.000 That's Drunk Eddie.

01:24:04.000 Drunk Eddie's, you know Drunk Eddie.

01:24:06.000 Was he drunk?

01:24:07.000 Yeah, he was drunk.

01:24:08.000 He's three drinks in.

01:24:10.000 Three drinks in is Drunk Eddie.

01:24:11.000 Once he poured that Jack Daniels, the lights went out in Georgia. 1.00

01:24:15.000 Fucking drums started playing, the Indian came out. 1.00

01:24:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:24:20.000 So, what?

01:24:21.000 Brock would destroy a gorilla.

01:24:23.000 Could you imagine what a gorilla would do to Brock Lesnar?

01:24:26.000 You know, Just run across them. 0.99

01:24:31.000 Even Brock knows he can't fucking beat a gorilla. 0.98

01:24:34.000 You ever seen a gorilla rush a person? 0.99

01:24:37.000 It's so goddamn terrifying. 0.96

01:24:39.000 They rush you and they hope that you're just going to back off and get away. 0.98

01:24:42.000 They just want to claim your territory. 0.99

01:24:45.000 But if you do turn and run, they might just freak out, just chase you and beat the fuck out of you. 0.96

01:24:50.000 So you have to turn away, but you have to stand down. 0.96

01:24:53.000 But you can't look like prey. 0.63

01:24:55.000 Dude, chimps. 0.99

01:24:56.000 Chimps and gorillas.

01:24:58.000 They are so strong, we couldn't even imagine.

01:25:01.000 You couldn't even wrap your head around what they could do to you.

01:25:04.000 They could literally grab you by the arm and throw you.

01:25:08.000 Throw you! 0.99

01:25:09.000 They would pull your arm literally right off your body.

01:25:12.000 Like, no problem. 0.91

01:25:13.000 A pit bull could kill most people. 1.00

01:25:15.000 Fuck yeah, dude. 1.00

01:25:16.000 That's a pit bull. 1.00

01:25:17.000 That's a dog.

01:25:18.000 You remember Frank.

01:25:19.000 When I had Frank, I always used to think that. 0.98

01:25:21.000 That if this dog wanted to, he could kill me. 0.99

01:25:23.000 Right. 1.00

01:25:24.000 He could kill anything. 1.00

01:25:25.000 He's a fucking 90 pound pit bull with his big fire hydrant head. 1.00

01:25:28.000 If he wanted to, he would kill me. 1.00

01:25:30.000 You know, he doesn't know that. 0.98

01:25:31.000 That's why, you know, I have the food.

01:25:34.000 That's why I like being around animals that can't kill me.

01:25:37.000 That can only love.

01:25:38.000 Yeah, like little kitty cats.

01:25:40.000 Little kitty cats.

01:25:41.000 So what do you think about the Steven Seagal thing?

01:25:43.000 Steven Seagal got arrested, or didn't get arrested.

01:25:45.000 He's getting sued.

01:25:47.000 We'll find a story right here.

01:25:48.000 Because what happened was, apparently he had some chick that was working for him, and she was his... 0.99

01:25:54.000 She was his...

01:25:56.000 He's sued for trafficking women and sexual assault.

01:25:59.000 Trafficking women? 1.00

01:26:00.000 The woman was a former model and she was hired by the actor as his executive assistant last February.

01:26:06.000 This is on TMZ, so you know it's real.

01:26:08.000 Mr. Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian attendants on staff who were available for his sexual desires 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

01:26:18.000 So, apparently...

01:26:20.000 One of the assistants quit, and Seagal apparently only rolls with threesomes. 1.00

01:26:26.000 So he made his assistant start sucking his dick. 1.00

01:26:32.000 He's like, I need more than one. 1.00

01:26:34.000 He had two hookers that were working for him 24-7. 1.00

01:26:37.000 And one of them probably met some rich dude somewhere and got a better job. 0.99

01:26:41.000 How the fuck does Cigar have that much money? 0.86

01:26:43.000 He's got a TV show now. 1.00

01:26:44.000 Yeah, but that's not shit. 0.97

01:26:47.000 He's making money off that show. 0.98

01:26:48.000 He's the star.

01:26:49.000 I guarantee he makes a few hundred thousand dollars a year for sure off that show.

01:26:53.000 Maybe half a million.

01:26:54.000 Maybe more because he's a big star.

01:26:56.000 He might make a million a year off that show.

01:26:57.000 They might have given him a big deal.

01:26:58.000 He might make more than a million a year.

01:27:00.000 So he's got that.

01:27:01.000 Then he's got...

01:27:02.000 How many movies did he do? 1.00

01:27:04.000 He did a lot of goddamn movies. 1.00

01:27:05.000 He got divorced in 1996. So everything from 1996 until now, it's all his money. 1.00

01:27:11.000 I bet he's got a lot of money.

01:27:13.000 I bet he's got a ton of money.

01:27:14.000 His money...

01:27:15.000 He just doesn't seem smart with his money.

01:27:16.000 He seems like he could spend all his money on ponytail juice.

01:27:19.000 Ponytail juice!

01:27:21.000 Ponytail juice!

01:27:22.000 What does that even mean?

01:27:24.000 Conditioner.

01:27:25.000 How much is conditioner?

01:27:26.000 He's got good conditioner.

01:27:30.000 He's still a big star in those foreign movies like straight to video, DVD sales.

01:27:36.000 He can still sell a Steven Seagal movie.

01:27:38.000 You make it for cheap money and you sell it fairly cheap.

01:27:41.000 They air it on cable at 3 o'clock in the morning and they sell them on DVDs.

01:27:45.000 There's still some money in that. 0.97

01:27:49.000 When I was in Abu Dhabi, when you go to Dubai, Dubai is flooded with hookers. 1.00

01:27:55.000 There's hookers everywhere, there's Russian hookers. 1.00

01:27:57.000 So, apparently there's a lot of them. 0.99

01:28:00.000 So it's not outside the realm of possibility that some actor would just hire two of them to be on call 24-7.

01:28:07.000 I think it's...

01:28:08.000 I mean, look, if that's how you want to roll, I think that's a pimp move. 0.98

01:28:11.000 I mean, the dude's not even fucking married, right? 0.97

01:28:13.000 You can't really criticize it. 1.00

01:28:15.000 I mean, you can criticize the fact that he's hiring prostitutes. 0.98

01:28:19.000 But let's be honest. 1.00

01:28:20.000 What the fuck is a lot of rich guys' wives? 1.00

01:28:23.000 What are they? 1.00

01:28:25.000 Are they really attracted to him?

01:28:26.000 I mean, is Tiger Woods' wife, does she really think he's hot?

01:28:29.000 Or does she think he's hot because he's rich?

01:28:33.000 How many of them think he's hot because he's rich? 0.99

01:28:35.000 How many super goofy looking dudes that are multi-billionaires who have these model wives, these super fucking hot wives? 0.99

01:28:44.000 What's going on there? 0.99

01:28:45.000 You know?

01:28:45.000 Donald Trump.

01:28:46.000 You ever see Donald Trump's wife? 1.00

01:28:47.000 Hot as fuck. 1.00

01:28:48.000 Yeah, he's a powerful man and all that good stuff and they're attracted to that and security and all that good stuff. 1.00

01:28:53.000 But at the end of the day, he's rich, they're hot, he's ugly.

01:28:57.000 What's going on there? 0.93

01:28:58.000 I mean, there's a form of prostitution. 1.00

01:29:01.000 It really is.

01:29:03.000 The whole difference is that in sexual prostitution, apparently the idea is that it's not good because there's no love.

01:29:12.000 There's no real emotions, no relationship. 0.53

01:29:14.000 It's just sex for money. 1.00

01:29:17.000 But what if you date a girl? 0.99

01:29:20.000 And you actually enjoy her company and you enjoy her time and you like her and you say, listen, you have a shitty job and I have a lot of money.

01:29:28.000 How about you quit your job and I pay you $1,000 a week and this is what you have to do. 1.00

01:29:32.000 You just have to suck my dick anytime I want. 1.00

01:29:34.000 I mean, you already like to do it anyway, right? 1.00

01:29:35.000 But let's just make it sort of a job, okay?

01:29:37.000 And you'll get a check every week but I don't want to hear any argument from you.

01:29:40.000 I think that would be cool for like a year.

01:29:42.000 But I think after that, I don't know, man.

01:29:44.000 I can see myself doing that if I had a lot of money.

01:29:47.000 Women would think that it's demoralizing and it would be the exact opposite of why pay for the cow when the milk is free. 1.00

01:29:56.000 It would be the exact opposite. 0.99

01:29:57.000 It would be like, look, I know I'm getting free milk, but I would rather pay for the cow and have that fucking cow give me milk anytime I want with no argument. 0.99

01:30:03.000 I don't want to get up at four in the morning and go to milk you and you start complaining. 0.99

01:30:06.000 Listen, I'm going to pay you right now.

01:30:08.000 And this is what happens.

01:30:09.000 Our relationship now is we're still friends.

01:30:11.000 I still love you.

01:30:12.000 We're boyfriend and girlfriend. 1.00

01:30:13.000 But I do whatever I want and you suck my dick whenever I ask. 1.00

01:30:16.000 Now you have a job. 1.00

01:30:18.000 Is that prostitute? 1.00

01:30:19.000 Is that illegal? 0.99

01:30:20.000 Is that illegal?

01:30:21.000 I wouldn't say it's illegal, but I would say that's not.

01:30:24.000 But it is illegal. 0.98

01:30:26.000 If you put on your tax forms, I'm Brian Reichel's paid hooker. 0.99

01:30:31.000 You go to jail. 0.99

01:30:33.000 That's illegal.

01:30:34.000 Yeah.

01:30:34.000 Say if you had a chick...

01:30:36.000 You'd just have to do it right.

01:30:37.000 You'd have to write it out.

01:30:38.000 Yeah, but I mean, look, if you had a girl and she was a multi-millionaire, and say if you were a carpenter, okay?

01:30:45.000 And you met her and you used to do some shit around her house when you first started dating her, and you do a little carpentry here and there, but you did it for free because you loved her.

01:30:55.000 And then all of a sudden she said, listen... 0.96

01:30:56.000 You don't like your job.

01:30:58.000 Why don't you just come for me?

01:30:59.000 Work for me.

01:30:59.000 You'll be my carpenter and you'll just do whatever I want to do whenever you want.

01:31:02.000 But the only difference is now I pay you. 1.00

01:31:05.000 What is the difference between that and sucking your dick? 1.00

01:31:07.000 There's very little difference. 1.00

01:31:09.000 If you have a chick, and she's working for you, and she just gets paid to blow you, but she used to blow you for free, but now she blows you because it's her job, because you pay her. 1.00

01:31:18.000 Is that bad?

01:31:19.000 No, especially if you make her dress up in outfits. 1.00

01:31:24.000 No, I'm not going to be a whore for you! 1.00

01:31:27.000 You're only going to be my only whore. 1.00

01:31:29.000 I only have one, and it's only you. 1.00

01:31:31.000 And I don't fuck any other girls either. 1.00

01:31:33.000 I would hate that. 1.00

01:31:37.000 What would you hate? 0.99

01:31:38.000 You know, because I think the purpose, I don't know, my purpose is always finding somebody that would want to fuck me that much without any questions asked. 1.00

01:31:45.000 And I would want to fuck that person. 1.00

01:31:47.000 See, this chick likes my logic. 1.00

01:31:49.000 Eve Pohl, she likes the logic. 0.57

01:31:51.000 That's a dude.

01:31:52.000 Sexuality has been immoralized.

01:31:54.000 Yeah, it might be a dude, right? 0.62

01:31:56.000 Sexuality has been immoralized. 0.60

01:31:57.000 You know, I went to Wack Off last night.

01:32:02.000 It's like this hand.

01:32:04.000 It was like 2 o'clock in the morning. 1.00

01:32:07.000 My wife is super pregnant right now and I can't fuck her. 1.00

01:32:10.000 Do it on her belly! 1.00

01:32:11.000 I mean, I do if she asks, but I don't want to impose myself on her.

01:32:16.000 I feel rude.

01:32:17.000 I mean, she's all pregnant. 1.00

01:32:18.000 She's ready to pop.

01:32:19.000 And so anyway, I'm making excuses for how I beat off.

01:32:22.000 I beat off.

01:32:22.000 What are you talking about?

01:32:23.000 What are you talking about?

01:32:24.000 But that's the reality of it.

01:32:26.000 I really do feel bad. 1.00

01:32:28.000 Anyway, I go online to go look at some porn and everything on one of my favorite sites is all fucking spitting in the mouth and gagging and girls getting their faces fucked where they're like halfway throwing up. 1.00

01:32:43.000 I hate that shit. 1.00

01:32:45.000 Tears are coming out of their eyes and the guy's smacking her in the face with his dick and he's like, you like your dick? 1.00

01:32:50.000 You like your dick? 1.00

01:32:50.000 She's like, fuck my face! 1.00

01:32:51.000 Fuck my face! 1.00

01:32:52.000 And he's like, fuck her. 1.00

01:32:54.000 Like spit and slobber. 1.00

01:32:57.000 She's coughing and spits coming out.

01:32:59.000 And I'm like, okay, I don't like this.

01:33:01.000 This is not fun.

01:33:02.000 And then in the same series, like there was another girl, or the same girl rather, you know, they have like a bunch of videos about this girl.

01:33:10.000 There's Sasha Gray, who was the girl. 1.00

01:33:11.000 Another one, these guys are just violently fucking her ass. 1.00

01:33:15.000 And then shoving it in her mouth and violently fucking her ass. 1.00

01:33:18.000 And I'm looking at this and I'm like, what is going on? 1.00

01:33:22.000 Like, who is liking all this, like, mad dog porn? 1.00

01:33:26.000 It's like you got mad dog bitches in porn now. 1.00

01:33:28.000 Nobody just fucks anymore. 1.00

01:33:30.000 It used to be, you know, a guy orders a pizza and the chick shows up delivering the pizza and she needs to get changed. 1.00

01:33:36.000 I hate that shit. 1.00

01:33:36.000 And she drops a dollar and she picks it up and the guy says, nice. 1.00

01:33:39.000 And the girl says, you think so?

01:33:41.000 Well, you see the whole thing.

01:33:42.000 Then she pulls her pants down. 0.90

01:33:43.000 Next thing you know, they're boning. 0.87

01:33:44.000 That's the good old days.

01:33:45.000 That's fun.

01:33:47.000 That's good times.

01:33:48.000 What is this? 1.00

01:33:49.000 Mouth-fucking, tears rolling down people's face, spitting in people's mouths, two dicks and assholes. 1.00

01:33:55.000 You know what's hilarious is that I've never seen a porn website where it's just like, it's people making love. 1.00

01:34:01.000 It's like them going on a date and just being passionate and stuff like that.

01:34:05.000 Yeah, there's no kissing.

01:34:07.000 There's no teasing. 1.00

01:34:07.000 It's all just, fuck. 1.00

01:34:10.000 One girl had two guys fucking her asshole. 1.00

01:34:14.000 One guy was on top, he was squatting on top, and the other guy was laying on his back, and his dick was in, and the other guy was in, and it's like that joke that I say about, like, you're not even having sex with a woman at that point. 1.00

01:34:25.000 You're just using her vagina as a container so that you can rub dicks. 1.00

01:34:29.000 I love that. 1.00

01:34:29.000 I mean, that is really what they were doing. 1.00

01:34:31.000 They're like, their two dicks, her butthole was a holder, and For dicks. 1.00

01:34:36.000 And they're rubbing dicks while they're plowing this girl's asshole. 1.00

01:34:40.000 I mean, think about two dicks. 1.00

01:34:42.000 Even, like, two average-sized dicks. 1.00

01:34:43.000 That's stretching your butthole out to, like, that big. 1.00

01:34:46.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

01:34:47.000 Who wants to see that? 0.98

01:34:49.000 No one wants that. 1.00

01:34:49.000 And then the other guy's spitting in her mouth and they're fucking her mouth. 1.00

01:34:52.000 I'm like, Jesus. 1.00

01:34:54.000 It's so weird.

01:34:55.000 Sasha Gray gets smacked in the face a lot, too.

01:34:57.000 Just SMACK! See, I'm done with all that kind of shit. 1.00

01:34:59.000 I like homemade stuff. 0.99

01:35:01.000 I think we've talked about this.

01:35:02.000 Yeah.

01:35:02.000 You like thinking that that's really you and this girl's really blowing you.

01:35:05.000 Or it's just real. 0.99

01:35:06.000 I want to see people having real sex. 0.84

01:35:08.000 Yeah, they're really attracted to each other. 0.99

01:35:09.000 Yeah, they're having real orgasms. 0.85

01:35:12.000 They're really moaning because they're moaning.

01:35:14.000 Yeah, there's definitely something to that, man.

01:35:16.000 Paying for it. 0.99

01:35:18.000 And apparently, the porn business is rough now because of the fact that all this shit's online. 0.99

01:35:23.000 It's very difficult to get money for porn. 0.99

01:35:25.000 So these girls get tricked. 1.00

01:35:27.000 It's just like how you hear about the workers in Dubai where they entice them to come to Dubai by saying you're going to get all this money.

01:35:35.000 They take them from India and third world countries and they basically say you're going to make X amount of dollars per month.

01:35:40.000 You'll be able to send money back home to your family.

01:35:42.000 Everybody's going to be happy.

01:35:44.000 We just come out here and you've got to get a passport and pay for this and pay for that.

01:35:48.000 So they do all this.

01:35:49.000 They get out there.

01:35:50.000 And then once they get out there, they take their passport and they give them a fraction of the money.

01:35:53.000 What these girls do is they recruit these girls and say, Listen, it's just going to be you and the guy. 1.00

01:35:58.000 You'll get to pick the guy.

01:35:59.000 It'll be so hot.

01:36:00.000 No big deal.

01:36:01.000 No one's going to see it.

01:36:02.000 We'll pay you $1,500. 0.99

01:36:03.000 And for a chick who's fucking broke and desperate and probably... 1.00

01:36:08.000 She's not the best thinker in the world anyway. 0.99

01:36:11.000 She's not making the best decisions with her life. 1.00

01:36:13.000 And some guy offers her $1,500 to fuck some cute guy. 1.00

01:36:16.000 She's like, whatever. 1.00

01:36:17.000 Alright, I'll do it. 1.00

01:36:18.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:36:19.000 Who cares? 1.00

01:36:19.000 Who's going to know? 1.00

01:36:20.000 Who's going to know?

01:36:20.000 She figures, I'm just going to go there.

01:36:22.000 I'm going to take care of them.

01:36:23.000 I'm going to keep them from repossessing my car.

01:36:25.000 I'm going to pay my rent off.

01:36:27.000 And I'll have a couple hundred bucks left over.

01:36:30.000 Alright, let's do it. 0.99

01:36:31.000 So she gets there, and there was a whole series about this on television, that they made her do double anal. 1.00

01:36:36.000 Once she got there, they said, no, we don't want regular sex. 1.00

01:36:39.000 This is what happens. 1.00

01:36:41.000 Two guys have to fuck your asshole, and we'll give you $1,500. 1.00

01:36:43.000 Otherwise, we don't have work for you. 1.00

01:36:45.000 No condom.

01:36:46.000 So she wound up getting HIV. So she does one film.

01:36:52.000 She comes from Nebraska.

01:36:53.000 She does one film. 1.00

01:36:54.000 They make her do double anal. 1.00

01:36:55.000 Two fucking pigs nut inside her asshole who probably fucked a hundred chicks that day. 1.00

01:37:01.000 That's crazy. 1.00

01:37:02.000 And they give her HIV. They're probably shooting heroin up in the bathroom together.

01:37:05.000 Sucking each other's cocks to get them hard. 1.00

01:37:07.000 And they stuff it in her asshole. 1.00

01:37:08.000 By the way, I wanted to mention something you talked about last week in your secret podcast. 1.00

01:37:13.000 I wanted to tell you that Brokeback Mountain was a huge success.

01:37:17.000 Yeah, I didn't know that.

01:37:18.000 I think as a comedy, right?

01:37:20.000 No, I mean money-wise.

01:37:21.000 Yeah, but as a comedy.

01:37:23.000 People enjoyed it.

01:37:26.000 It was sad.

01:37:28.000 I'll be honest.

01:37:29.000 At the end of Brokeback Mountain, when the guy found out the other guy was beaten to death, it was sad.

01:37:33.000 I never saw it.

01:37:34.000 I will never watch that.

01:37:35.000 You won't watch it. 0.62

01:37:36.000 Why don't you just watch it and put little kittens over the guy's buttholes and faces when they're kissing. 1.00

01:37:42.000 Just like you always do.

01:37:44.000 You know? 1.00

01:37:45.000 There's some shit that I won't watch. 1.00

01:37:47.000 I won't watch any more beheadings. 1.00

01:37:48.000 There's a new beheading one online.

01:37:50.000 Have you seen that new one? 0.99

01:37:51.000 I watched it for a second and they started cutting the dude's head off and I said, alright, what the fuck am I doing? 0.99

01:37:57.000 Why am I watching this? 0.99

01:37:58.000 I'm done with that.

01:37:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:00.000 Yeah, there's no need to be watching any of that shit. 0.99

01:38:02.000 I never even watched that Iraq shooting thing either. 0.99

01:38:06.000 Oh, that's the other thing I wanted to talk about is fake kung fu. 0.94

01:38:10.000 Yeah, you need to bring that back.

01:38:11.000 You didn't watch the Iraq shooting thing?

01:38:11.000 No, you need to bring that back though.

01:38:13.000 Yeah, I need to write it out.

01:38:14.000 That's what I need to do.

01:38:15.000 Yeah.

01:38:15.000 I don't even remember how I did it.

01:38:16.000 I'll just redo it.

01:38:18.000 But the Iraq shooting thing you didn't watch?

01:38:21.000 I don't know.

01:38:22.000 What we were talking about is collateral murder.

01:38:24.000 We talked about this before.

01:38:26.000 They mistakenly thought that these reporters and civilians in Iraq were insurgents and they killed them.

01:38:32.000 It's all gun camera footage and it's very disturbing.

01:38:35.000 It's disturbing how much they're into it. 0.99

01:38:37.000 It's disturbing how easy it is to just think that anybody's your enemy when you're over there in the fucking war and the chaos. 1.00

01:38:44.000 It's scary shit, man. 0.99

01:38:46.000 It's scary shit that we're there in the first place, but it's really scary shit to think that people could just be walking with cameras and they mistake those cameras for guns just from the sky with Apache helicopters. 1.00

01:38:56.000 Just fucking light them up with 50 caliber guns. 1.00

01:38:59.000 I'm done with that shit and anything that's based off three men and a baby, like three guys and a hammer. 1.00

01:39:06.000 Is that what it's based on? 1.00

01:39:08.000 Two girls in a cup is what it's based on. 1.00

01:39:11.000 No, you're right, man.

01:39:13.000 The problem is the internet really can not only desensitize you, but really change your world. 0.99

01:39:18.000 There's 300 million fucking people in this country. 0.98

01:39:21.000 That is an insane amount of people. 1.00

01:39:23.000 And if you think about every story that you hear about some priest who's fucking kids or some serial killer who's killing women or They're all horrible and terrible, but the reality is most people are pretty cool. 1.00

01:39:38.000 There's 300 million of us. 0.99

01:39:40.000 There's so much information that literally you find out every single fucking story any time that anything goes down. 0.52

01:39:46.000 That's never been the case. 0.87

01:39:48.000 In the 1950s, you had to be Ed Gein. 1.00

01:39:50.000 You had to be wearing women as fucking dresses. 1.00

01:39:54.000 You had to be cutting them up and putting their skin on. 1.00

01:39:56.000 You had to make the front fucking page of the New York Times like every day for a week. 0.99

01:40:01.000 For everyone to know who you are and everyone to know your story. 0.99

01:40:04.000 The Ted Bundy case, that's another example.

01:40:06.000 The Night Stalker, where they couldn't catch this guy and they don't know what he's doing.

01:40:09.000 The Zodiac Killer, they never caught him.

01:40:11.000 Those stories, that's the only way those stories became huge. 1.00

01:40:14.000 They had to be so catastrophically fucked up. 0.99

01:40:17.000 But now we hear about all of them. 1.00

01:40:19.000 We hear about two teachers this week got arrested for fucking kids. 1.00

01:40:22.000 Two teachers. 0.99

01:40:23.000 Two different teachers.

01:40:24.000 Both pretty decent looking chicks. 1.00

01:40:26.000 One of them was fucking a 16 year old. 1.00

01:40:28.000 She got arrested for a 16 year old. 1.00

01:40:30.000 How the fuck can you arrest a chick for fucking a 16 year old? 1.00

01:40:33.000 That shit happened to me though. 1.00

01:40:34.000 When I was a kid, three of our teachers had sex. 1.00

01:40:37.000 One was a guy and two were girls. 0.99

01:40:40.000 When I was in high school, my Spanish teacher fucked one of my friends. 0.98

01:40:44.000 A female friend of mine. 0.96

01:40:46.000 You know what the funniest thing is?

01:40:46.000 I remember my science teacher, sixth grade.

01:40:49.000 I had a book underneath my desk.

01:40:50.000 I was reading the book while she was teaching.

01:40:52.000 And she goes, Brian, you have two heads.

01:40:54.000 Only one can read.

01:40:55.000 And I'm like, huh?

01:40:57.000 Okay, whatever that means. 0.99

01:40:58.000 But then I look back at it, I'm like, oh my gosh, he's talking about my dickhead. 0.99

01:41:01.000 I'm like, I'm in sixth grade. 1.00

01:41:03.000 What the fuck is that shit? 1.00

01:41:04.000 Yeah, that's kind of crazy bitch. 1.00

01:41:06.000 Miss Singleton, Columbus, Ohio. 1.00

01:41:08.000 You fucking whore. 1.00

01:41:10.000 What are you, 12? 1.00

01:41:12.000 How old were you then?

01:41:13.000 12?

01:41:13.000 6th grade?

01:41:14.000 Something like that.

01:41:14.000 6th grade is like 12, right?

01:41:16.000 Miss Singleton now.

01:41:17.000 And then Mr. Phillips, you were my gym teacher. 0.99

01:41:19.000 You fucked half my friends. 0.99

01:41:21.000 Really? 1.00

01:41:21.000 Yeah, and he got arrested. 1.00

01:41:22.000 The gym teacher fucked half your friends? 0.99

01:41:24.000 Boys or girls? 1.00

01:41:25.000 Mostly boys.

01:41:27.000 What?!

01:41:27.000 Wait a minute!

01:41:28.000 Moving closer!

01:41:30.000 Move in closer for this one.

01:41:32.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute. 1.00

01:41:33.000 Tell the whole goddamn story. 1.00

01:41:34.000 Start from scratch. 1.00

01:41:35.000 What's his name?

01:41:36.000 Mr. Phillips.

01:41:37.000 And he's in jail?

01:41:38.000 No, no.

01:41:39.000 Check this out.

01:41:40.000 Everyone was always talking about it in elementary school.

01:41:42.000 Like, uh-oh, don't let Mr. Phillips get near you. 1.00

01:41:45.000 He fucked so-and-so. 1.00

01:41:46.000 He fucked so-and-so before he even got caught. 1.00

01:41:48.000 What? 1.00

01:41:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:41:49.000 And there was times where he would come up behind you and spank you on the butt and be like, oh, you just got touched. 0.99

01:41:55.000 So he was fucking a bunch of kids before he ever got caught? 1.00

01:41:57.000 We all knew about it. 0.99

01:41:58.000 He never got caught.

01:41:59.000 How did he not get caught?

01:42:00.000 I don't know.

01:42:00.000 And then one day he got caught and then there was this one kid that we thought it was the one that squealed or something like that.

01:42:07.000 And then he was just gone.

01:42:08.000 Squealed? 0.98

01:42:08.000 He was just gone. 0.98

01:42:09.000 And it was so weird.

01:42:10.000 It's like, I don't know, like five years later, I was working at Toys R Us, and he came in with like a whole family. 0.98

01:42:16.000 And you just like wanted to say, hey, you fucked my friends. 0.99

01:42:19.000 What's up, Mr. Phillips? 0.99

01:42:20.000 He came into Toys R Us?

01:42:22.000 Yeah.

01:42:22.000 With his family?

01:42:23.000 With his family.

01:42:23.000 Kids and family.

01:42:24.000 And I just wanted to be like, hey, you know your husband?

01:42:27.000 So how did he not go to jail?

01:42:28.000 I don't know what ever happened.

01:42:30.000 I barely remember seeing it in the papers and stuff like that.

01:42:34.000 But even if he went to jail, he got out.

01:42:36.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:42:37.000 So he fucked. 1.00

01:42:37.000 How many kids do you think he fucked? 1.00

01:42:38.000 I would say there was three that I thought for sure. 1.00

01:42:41.000 Three that you thought for sure.

01:42:42.000 Yeah, I don't want to say their names.

01:42:43.000 But everybody talked about it.

01:42:44.000 Oh yeah, all of us knew about it.

01:42:46.000 It was like a joke growing up.

01:42:47.000 Even other teachers knew the word, we call him Mr. Fill Me Up Phillips.

01:42:52.000 Fill Me Up Phillips?

01:42:54.000 Oh no!

01:42:56.000 Brookside Elementary School.

01:42:57.000 How old were you guys?

01:42:58.000 Elementary School.

01:42:59.000 I remember it was like 5th grade, maybe 6th grade.

01:43:01.000 Oh, so you were like 11, 10, something like that. 1.00

01:43:03.000 Your teacher was fucking 10-year-old boys in the ass. 1.00

01:43:05.000 Yeah, and then we had a study home. 1.00

01:43:07.000 Oh my god. 0.99

01:43:08.000 Then we had a study hall monitor named Mrs. Hughes that used to just fuck everybody too. 1.00

01:43:13.000 But she was hot. 1.00

01:43:14.000 She was hot. 1.00

01:43:15.000 I was mad because I wouldn't fuck her. 1.00

01:43:17.000 How old was this? 1.00

01:43:17.000 Middle school was like 8th grade, 7th grade. 1.00

01:43:20.000 And she was fucking 8th graders? 1.00

01:43:21.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:43:21.000 And I remember I was pissed because I was like jealous of the other guys who I fucked her. 1.00

01:43:25.000 And I'm like, I want to fuck that girl! 1.00

01:43:29.000 Saving up my lunch money. 1.00

01:43:31.000 It's really funny how that works, isn't it? 0.95

01:43:34.000 Before the internet, shit like that would happen and nobody would hear about it. 0.89

01:43:39.000 They could fire the person and stop the scandal before it ever hit the school and no big deal. 0.98

01:43:47.000 People just throw it up on their Facebook. 0.99

01:43:48.000 My teacher fucked me. 1.00

01:43:49.000 Yo, I got fucked in the ass by Mr. Phillips. 1.00

01:43:51.000 Here's a photo and video. 1.00

01:43:53.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:43:54.000 Yeah, you take fucking video and photo while it's happening. 1.00

01:43:56.000 If someone's crazy enough to let you, you know, for a teacher who's crazy enough to fuck you, she's crazy enough to film it while she's fucking you. 1.00

01:44:02.000 Right. 1.00

01:44:03.000 You know, that bitch is crazy. 1.00

01:44:04.000 I'm 35, person asking. 1.00

01:44:08.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:44:09.000 That's a crazy goddamn story. 0.99

01:44:12.000 I never got molested by a kid, but I came close twice. 1.00

01:44:15.000 On two separate occasions, I almost got molested.

01:44:17.000 One, when I was eight years old, I was at the library, and I used to like monster books. 0.99

01:44:22.000 I used to like reading Dracula and Frankenstein shit. 0.94

01:44:25.000 And so I'm in this library section, and I'm reading all these books. 0.98

01:44:28.000 I'm looking for these books.

01:44:29.000 And this guy says, do you like books on monsters?

01:44:32.000 And I said, yeah, that's my favorite. 0.99

01:44:33.000 I'm like, you're fucking eight years old, right? 0.96

01:44:35.000 I don't know that there's bad people yet. 0.98

01:44:36.000 I haven't really figured that out.

01:44:38.000 All right.

01:44:38.000 And the guy says, I've got a bunch of monster books out in my car.

01:44:41.000 And I said, wow, really?

01:44:42.000 He goes, yeah, come on with me.

01:44:44.000 I'll show you some monster books.

01:44:45.000 I go, oh, okay.

01:44:46.000 That's why you hate monsters, right?

01:44:47.000 I start leaving.

01:44:48.000 No, I still love monster movies, man. 0.99

01:44:50.000 I start leaving, and as I'm walking out the door with this guy, the fucking librarian starts screaming. 0.99

01:44:56.000 She goes, Joseph, Joseph, you get over here. 0.99

01:44:58.000 She knew me because I'd go to the library all the time.

01:45:00.000 She was like, Joseph, get over here.

01:45:02.000 Get over here. 0.99

01:45:02.000 That man just got out of jail. 0.99

01:45:04.000 And so the guy runs.

01:45:06.000 The guy runs.

01:45:07.000 He runs towards the gorge.

01:45:09.000 She goes, I'm going to call the police.

01:45:10.000 And so I run over to the librarian. 0.99

01:45:12.000 I'm fucking crying and freaking out. 0.97

01:45:14.000 The crazy thing is, my mom doesn't even remember this. 0.99

01:45:18.000 Really? 0.96

01:45:18.000 Yeah, my mom's kind of a knucklehead. 0.96

01:45:20.000 And when it comes to that, like my childhood, like I can't believe she doesn't remember this.

01:45:24.000 I don't remember that. 0.97

01:45:26.000 How the fuck do you not remember the most horrific moment of my childhood? 0.97

01:45:31.000 Where I feel like if that librarian wasn't there at that moment, if I didn't have a relationship with her, where I talked to her every time I was there, like she looked over after me because she was a nice lady. 1.00

01:45:39.000 If that didn't happen, if she was some absent-minded person or just wasn't looking or didn't know and didn't know who I was or who that guy was, I would have got fucked in the ass. 0.99

01:45:48.000 For sure. 1.00

01:45:49.000 I might have got killed.

01:45:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:50.000 I might have got killed because if this guy just got out of jail, he's probably tired of tattletaling kids and their bullshit. 1.00

01:45:56.000 You know? 1.00

01:45:57.000 So he probably would have fucked me and killed me. 1.00

01:45:58.000 You know that company that has that thing that old people wear to like, help, I've fallen and I can't get up? 1.00

01:46:03.000 They should make that for kids. 0.91

01:46:03.000 Like, help, I'm getting fucked and I can't draw. 0.91

01:46:05.000 They should, but kids are fucking liars, man. 1.00

01:46:07.000 I'm getting fucked up! 1.00

01:46:09.000 Yeah, you didn't care about me! 0.99

01:46:12.000 Well, that's why I should be attached to, like, Boy Scouts or something.

01:46:15.000 Like, Boy Scouts would come rescue you instead of police or something. 1.00

01:46:17.000 Boy Scouts would fuck you quicker than anybody. 1.00

01:46:19.000 That'd be the first one I see. 1.00

01:46:20.000 Yeah, nobody...

01:46:21.000 Yeah, let me see. 1.00

01:46:22.000 Was he fucking you like this? 1.00

01:46:25.000 Boy Scouts would fuck you just because you lied about it. 1.00

01:46:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:46:28.000 Well, yeah. 1.00

01:46:28.000 You let dicks in your ass... 1.00

01:46:30.000 Come on! 1.00

01:46:30.000 Yeah, maybe there would be like a little camera and microphone so that cop would be like, oh, you are getting fucked. 1.00

01:46:34.000 We'll send somebody right over. 0.68

01:46:35.000 No, I think GPS tracking is a good idea for kids.

01:46:38.000 You know, but I mean, that's like the slippery slope.

01:46:40.000 The problem is you put a chip in your kid so you can find out where they are.

01:46:43.000 Well, they already have those phones, you know, there's Verizon.

01:46:46.000 Yeah, they have those.

01:46:47.000 Yeah, but phones, there's a big difference between phones and a chip in your skin.

01:46:50.000 I mean, like a dog.

01:46:51.000 Like a dog.

01:46:51.000 A dog has a chip.

01:46:55.000 I think it's only if he goes to the vet.

01:46:57.000 If they pick him up at the pound, the pound can scan him and the chip has a number to call.

01:47:02.000 But there's people that want to put GPS chips in their kids so they can follow their kids. 0.98

01:47:07.000 That's retarded. 1.00

01:47:08.000 It isn't though, man. 0.84

01:47:09.000 If your kid's missing, it's not retarded. 1.00

01:47:11.000 But the slippery slope is, who else is following you? 1.00

01:47:14.000 The fucking government? 1.00

01:47:15.000 Anybody else? 1.00

01:47:16.000 Black helicopters!

01:47:17.000 Black helicopters!

01:47:18.000 You always hear about dudes who, like, attach GPS to their chick's car because they're stalking them.

01:47:24.000 Oh, yeah.

01:47:24.000 Next to them.

01:47:25.000 Yeah, and they follow them.

01:47:26.000 They follow them around.

01:47:27.000 Yeah, I mean, you know.

01:47:28.000 It's a slippery slope because...

01:47:32.000 The connectivity is unavoidable.

01:47:35.000 It's unavoidable that eventually there will be no secrets.

01:47:37.000 I really believe it.

01:47:38.000 We've talked about this before.

01:47:39.000 I think that eventually we're going to be able to read each other's minds. 0.99

01:47:42.000 We're going to be able to access all the information in the whole world, not just on your phone, not just through a computer interface, but you're going to be able to neurally access all this shit. 0.91

01:47:51.000 And that includes other people's thoughts.

01:47:53.000 You're going to have to share your thoughts into the wave. 0.98

01:47:55.000 It sounds completely ridiculous. 0.99

01:47:57.000 It sounds like total stoner talk. 0.99

01:47:59.000 But I don't think it sounds nearly as ridiculous as the things we already have, like the fucking Large Hadron Collider or cell phones or the ability to talk to somebody on the other side of the world. 0.99

01:48:08.000 That's just as ridiculous to me. 0.99

01:48:10.000 I mean, it's all ridiculous. 0.99

01:48:11.000 Sending pictures through the air. 0.74

01:48:12.000 High-speed video.

01:48:13.000 You can download.

01:48:14.000 You know what I mean?

01:48:15.000 I got Wi-Fi.

01:48:16.000 I sit on my laptop.

01:48:17.000 I can download, like the iPad.

01:48:19.000 You can download a movie in a couple minutes.

01:48:21.000 You can stream it.

01:48:22.000 Stream a movie live. 0.99

01:48:24.000 I mean, what the fuck? 0.99

01:48:25.000 You can just go to Netflix, pick a movie in high definition, load it up, it plays. 0.99

01:48:31.000 There it is.

01:48:32.000 There's the movie.

01:48:32.000 You're getting it from the ether.

01:48:33.000 You're getting a fucking full movie. 1.00

01:48:35.000 You put your headphones on. 1.00

01:48:36.000 It's in stereo.

01:48:37.000 And you're getting it from the sky.

01:48:39.000 That's insanity.

01:48:40.000 And that is just the beginning.

01:48:44.000 It's going to happen.

01:48:45.000 If you look at the trend, the number one trend is connectivity and the instant access to information or the more quicker access to information or more access to information.

01:48:56.000 That's the trend.

01:48:57.000 It used to be libraries, and then it was the internet, and now it's the internet on your phone, and then what else is next?

01:49:05.000 What's going to come next?

01:49:05.000 It's going to be quicker, easier, faster, more information.

01:49:09.000 Like that search engine where you can just ask it questions and it comes up with the answer.

01:49:13.000 What is that search engine called?

01:49:16.000 No, there's a new one that they're working on.

01:49:18.000 I'll find it on here.

01:49:20.000 I saved it on Evernote, but they called it the Google Killer.

01:49:24.000 Nah.

01:49:25.000 No, it's going to be the best.

01:49:26.000 We already talked about it.

01:49:27.000 But the visual search is, I think, what's going to be big.

01:49:30.000 Visual search?

01:49:31.000 Yeah, where you just take a picture of something and it will Google search what it is, everything about it.

01:49:35.000 So if you see a...

01:49:38.000 I don't know if you see a tennis shoe on the ground.

01:49:40.000 You can take a picture of it and it will tell you what model of tennis shoe that is, where it's sold, how much it is.

01:49:46.000 I think you're right.

01:49:50.000 Wolfram Alpha is the new thing.

01:49:52.000 W-O-L-F-R-A-M Alpha. 0.98

01:49:56.000 And what it is, is this thing that these guys have been putting together for a while.

01:50:00.000 It's not totally done yet.

01:50:01.000 But the idea is that this is going to be able to answer any question you have.

01:50:07.000 That really is the future.

01:50:09.000 They'll take the entire database of science, the entire database of archaeology, history, everything else, mathematics, and literally put it into some sort of a search engine where you'll be able to ask the question.

01:50:23.000 What year was the first car invented?

01:50:26.000 What year was the first combustion engine created?

01:50:29.000 When did they figure out that you could turn oil from the ground into gasoline?

01:50:33.000 How did they do it?

01:50:34.000 Who was the guy? 1.00

01:50:35.000 That shit's all gonna happen, man. 0.99

01:50:37.000 You're gonna be able to get any answer to any question. 0.99

01:50:41.000 You'll literally never have to go to school again.

01:50:43.000 I can't wait to the part where I can go through my old photos from when I was like five years old, hold it up to my webcam, and they go, here's their Facebook.

01:50:51.000 They now do this.

01:50:52.000 They look at this.

01:50:52.000 Because there are so many people that I lost touch with, and I don't know their name.

01:50:56.000 Do you think you do that if they were babies?

01:50:57.000 What if it's a baby?

01:50:58.000 Oh, you can totally do that.

01:50:58.000 You're going to totally be able to do that.

01:51:00.000 Totally.

01:51:01.000 100%.

01:51:01.000 Assume how the baby grows up.

01:51:03.000 100% 10 years or less.

01:51:05.000 100%.

01:51:06.000 Yeah, I think you're probably right.

01:51:08.000 Wow. 1.00

01:51:09.000 What's your fucking question? 1.00

01:51:11.000 Look at this guy. 1.00

01:51:11.000 Ned Carlos Mencia is a homo and needs to send his fans to space with the other monkeys. 1.00

01:51:17.000 Alright, buddy. 1.00

01:51:18.000 Settle the fuck down. 1.00

01:51:20.000 Settle down. 1.00

01:51:20.000 You freak. 1.00

01:51:23.000 What is this guy saying? 1.00

01:51:24.000 You hate Mencia for stealing jokes, but you stole that T-Rex joke, hypocrite. 1.00

01:51:28.000 I didn't steal shit, Steven. 1.00

01:51:30.000 T-Rex joke? 0.99

01:51:31.000 Someone said that there was another guy who has a joke about T-Rex not being able to jerk off. 0.99

01:51:35.000 Wow, how obvious is this that he can't jerk off? 1.00

01:51:39.000 Not the greatest connection in the world, but when you have small arms and you can't grab your own dick, You know, anybody can come up with that conclusion. 0.99

01:51:48.000 But what I had it in is a whole series of things about masturbation, how masturbation is evolutionary. 0.99

01:51:55.000 And my joke was that's why the T-Rex didn't evolve because it couldn't jerk off. 0.99

01:51:58.000 100% my own, okay?

01:52:00.000 And there's a thing called parallel thinking.

01:52:03.000 The difference between me and a guy like Mencia, or most comics and a guy like Mencia is, most comics, like Dave Attell is famous for, he comes up with a joke, he'll call like a bunch of people and say, hey, have you ever heard this before?

01:52:15.000 Have you ever heard this before?

01:52:16.000 Because sometimes guys come up with jokes and even though you came up with it on your own, you don't know whether or not anybody else has come up with it before.

01:52:23.000 It's very possible.

01:52:24.000 It's called parallel thinking. 0.96

01:52:25.000 But the difference between that and a guy like Mencia or Robin Williams or any of these other guys that have been accused of doing it over and over again is there's so many fucking pieces of evidence. 0.91

01:52:35.000 So many times people have said it. 0.80

01:52:37.000 So many people know bits that they've ripped off.

01:52:41.000 And with a guy like Robin Williams, they used to have it set up where there was special lights when he would come to the room.

01:52:46.000 People would flash lights to make sure that the comics on stage knew that he was in the room.

01:52:50.000 When I was in Boston at the Catch Rising Star in Cambridge, Robin Williams came and I remember this because I was really raw.

01:52:57.000 I was like an open mic.

01:52:58.000 I'd only been doing comedy like not even a year.

01:53:00.000 You got a piss?

01:53:01.000 And Robin Williams came into the club and there was all these comics that were like big name Boston comics.

01:53:08.000 I think one of them was, you know what, I don't want to say names because I'm just guessing.

01:53:13.000 But there was a bunch of Boston headliners in the room and none of them would go on stage.

01:53:17.000 They wouldn't go on stage because they knew that he was in there and that if they did a good bit on that stage, and they were local guys, they were local headliners, but they were just local guys.

01:53:26.000 And this was before the internet, this was before anything.

01:53:28.000 He would just go on The Tonight Show the next night, do their bit, and that bit was dead.

01:53:32.000 They could never do it again.

01:53:33.000 So it was a totally different era back then, but...

01:53:36.000 There's parallel thinking.

01:53:37.000 There's things that I've thought of before.

01:53:40.000 There's things that other people have thought of before that I've already done.

01:53:43.000 I've had friends do a bit.

01:53:46.000 I know they didn't steal it from me, but I have to tell them, hey, that's on my first album.

01:53:51.000 The same exact sort of connection that you just made.

01:53:55.000 Bobby Slayton and I, who Bobby's a buddy of mine, but we both had a joke. 0.97

01:53:59.000 I mean, it's the same connection about blowjobs.

01:54:02.000 Mine was on my 1999 CD. I don't know when his was.

01:54:07.000 But he said to me, like, wow, we have like a similar joke. 0.99

01:54:11.000 And the joke was about blowjobs that blowjobs are a job. 1.00

01:54:15.000 That's why it implies like jerking off. 1.00

01:54:17.000 See, my joke was that jerking off sounds like it's no big deal. 0.99

01:54:20.000 It's like you just, you know, you just quit at any minute. 0.98

01:54:23.000 Like, what are you doing? 0.99

01:54:23.000 Eh, I was just jerking off. 0.99

01:54:24.000 Like, no big deal. 0.94

01:54:25.000 You want to eat?

01:54:26.000 I'll just stop. 1.00

01:54:26.000 But a blowjob sounds like there's much more commitment. 1.00

01:54:29.000 Like it's a job. 0.99

01:54:30.000 Like it implies a work ethic. 1.00

01:54:32.000 But that like jerking off, there's way more commitment involved in jerking off than blowjobs. 1.00

01:54:37.000 Because chicks will quit blowjobs all the time. 1.00

01:54:39.000 Girls will quit. 1.00

01:54:40.000 Their mouth gets tired.

01:54:41.000 They don't want to do it anymore. 0.99

01:54:42.000 But no dude quits while jerking off. 0.98

01:54:44.000 You know what I mean? 0.98

01:54:46.000 It's true. 0.99

01:54:46.000 You'll fucking finish that thing. 0.99

01:54:48.000 I have had like a half-hard dick and be like holding my breath and squeezing my balls, trying to do anything to figure out a way to just get it over with. 1.00

01:54:55.000 And then once you come, you just feel so goddamn pathetic. 1.00

01:54:59.000 But there's a lot of commitment involved in jerking off. 1.00

01:55:02.000 For whatever reason. 1.00

01:55:03.000 Like, that shit wants to get out of your body. 1.00

01:55:05.000 But I never for a second thought that Bobby stole the bit. 1.00

01:55:07.000 And he didn't think that I stole the bit.

01:55:09.000 It's like, it's kind of obvious.

01:55:10.000 Blow job.

01:55:11.000 You know, it's not the most clever connection between it being a job.

01:55:15.000 You know, I mean, it's right there. 0.99

01:55:16.000 It's in the fucking name. 0.98

01:55:17.000 The problem with I have is like when, like that T-Rex thing, that's just something that... 0.99

01:55:22.000 There's a cartoon!

01:55:24.000 Well, it's like Toy Story.

01:55:26.000 They had jokes about that. 0.99

01:55:28.000 I mean, that's just the dumbest thing. 0.99

01:55:30.000 It's just obvious. 0.99

01:55:30.000 Whatever, that's just somebody trolling, I think. 0.99

01:55:32.000 No, he's not trolling. 1.00

01:55:33.000 He's probably just stupid. 1.00

01:55:35.000 Or he's just young and he doesn't know. 1.00

01:55:37.000 I mean, it's...

01:55:38.000 Look, you know, people... 0.90

01:55:39.000 People have questions about the way comedy works, and whenever someone is so outspoken about plagiarism, like I have been and you have been with that whole Mencia thing, you know, not like we set out to do that, not like we set out to be the guys that are speaking up against comedy plagiarism, but let me tell you how many fucking comedians were happy that that happened. 0.85

01:55:57.000 I mean, I can't tell.

01:55:58.000 I just got a text message from Christopher Titus today.

01:56:01.000 Christopher Titus, who's a friend of mine, just sent me a text today, and Christopher is a very funny comic, And he sent me a text today saying that he says, hey man, you were on NPR today.

01:56:15.000 They played the whole Carlos thing and had two lawyers on talking about how comedians protect our material.

01:56:21.000 Great job changing the world.

01:56:23.000 Keep the flow.

01:56:24.000 That's awesome.

01:56:24.000 I need to get a copy of that.

01:56:26.000 Yeah.

01:56:26.000 This is a comic show.

01:56:28.000 And it's not just him.

01:56:29.000 I mean, Louis C.K. said the same thing.

01:56:31.000 You know, Brian Posehn came up and hugged me and said, thank God for you, Joe Rogan.

01:56:35.000 I mean, I can't.

01:56:35.000 Todd Glass came up to me and said it was the greatest thing he'd ever seen in his life.

01:56:39.000 I can't tell you how many comics have said this.

01:56:42.000 We had a real problem for a long time.

01:56:44.000 And the real problem is that these networks can make money from guys stealing. 0.99

01:56:49.000 If guys are good performers and they wind up stealing people's shit, they can make a lot of money. 0.98

01:56:53.000 And for comics, literally, it takes a long ass time to create a bit. 0.98

01:56:57.000 A bit like...

01:56:59.000 My bit about the Tigers killing the kid at the zoo in San Francisco, the one that made it onto my last special, that bit took a long time to get right. 0.99

01:57:06.000 There was a lot of shit involved. 0.98

01:57:08.000 It went back and forth, it changed, it morphed, it got bigger, it got smaller. 0.99

01:57:13.000 It took a long time before I came up with the version that got onto television.

01:57:17.000 It was a lot of work.

01:57:18.000 Somebody could have easily come in Jacked my idea, jacked my premise, jacked the whole way I structured it, set it up, and just taken it for their own, and literally it's stealing.

01:57:28.000 They put it on television, and now I can't do it anymore.

01:57:30.000 Because now if I do it, you know, like, when Mencia steals stuff, he steals it, like, word for word.

01:57:36.000 You know, oftentimes. 0.99

01:57:37.000 So, like, these poor fucks, like, they're bits gone. 0.99

01:57:41.000 It's like, they got stole. 1.00

01:57:43.000 They got stolen. 1.00

01:57:44.000 Somebody took their shit. 1.00

01:57:45.000 That's been a gigantic problem for us. 1.00

01:57:48.000 You know, we didn't set out to be the ones to try to put a fork in that and stop it.

01:57:54.000 But something had to happen, and it did.

01:57:56.000 And it just so happens that it was us.

01:57:58.000 It's just synchronicity.

01:58:01.000 Just the way the world works, you know?

01:58:03.000 But, um, I can understand why someone would want to, like, scrutinize me extra carefully because of that.

01:58:08.000 I mean, it only makes sense.

01:58:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:58:10.000 Put red bands balls to your mouth, please. 0.99

01:58:12.000 You know what? 1.00

01:58:13.000 That is a fucking rude, rude request. 0.99

01:58:16.000 Dude, there's this comic named Brian Jarvis. 0.99

01:58:20.000 I don't know if you ever heard him.

01:58:21.000 He has the best thing joke ever. 0.99

01:58:24.000 For some reason, comics all like to show their dicks to each other. 0.99

01:58:27.000 Right. 1.00

01:58:27.000 But he has this thing where he'll put his dick... 1.00

01:58:29.000 Coming out of the top of his pants, like right here. 1.00

01:58:32.000 So just his head sticking out. 0.99

01:58:34.000 And he'll be like, dude, I fucking slammed my belly button in my door. 0.99

01:58:38.000 Look at it. 0.99

01:58:38.000 And you're like, belly button door? 0.99

01:58:40.000 And you look at it and you're like, whoa, wait, that's your dick! 1.00

01:58:44.000 Well, that's the kind of shit that dudes do all the time. 1.00

01:58:46.000 I love that shit. 1.00

01:58:47.000 I mean, I hate that shit, but I love how comics are so committed to showing their dicks. 1.00

01:58:53.000 It's hilarious. 1.00

01:58:54.000 That's hilarious.

01:58:55.000 Did George Lopez steal a bit from Ari?

01:58:57.000 No, I don't think he did.

01:58:59.000 I think the thing that happened with the George Lopez thing was that it was a pretty obvious bit. 0.97

01:59:03.000 The thing with the Ari thing about the wall, that's a fucking obvious joke, man. 0.78

01:59:08.000 And these dudes who do Mexican material and illegal alien material like Lopez, his act is very funny, but a lot of it is Latino stuff. 0.98

01:59:19.000 He's going to think like that.

01:59:21.000 George has never been accused of being a thief before that.

01:59:24.000 Not that I'm aware of.

01:59:25.000 He's not a thief.

01:59:26.000 That's just an obvious joke.

01:59:28.000 There was like five comics that did that joke.

01:59:30.000 But the Mencia thing...

01:59:31.000 Mencia...

01:59:31.000 Not only did Ari open for him and do that bit and he saw it and commented on how he thought it was funny...

01:59:38.000 But that dumb fuck did the same mannerisms that Ari did. 1.00

01:59:41.000 Yeah, he like went up there. 1.00

01:59:42.000 Just the whole thing, um, excuse me.

01:59:44.000 That's how Ari does it. 1.00

01:59:45.000 And he's so dumb, he does it the exact same way. 0.99

01:59:47.000 In our video, he even like said, he never opened up for me. 1.00

01:59:51.000 And then like three seconds later, he what?

01:59:52.000 Oh, you forgot?

01:59:53.000 I mean, he just lies throughout that whole video.

01:59:55.000 Well, he lies about everything.

01:59:56.000 He still sometimes says he's Mexican.

01:59:58.000 Why are we talking about Messiah?

01:59:59.000 Yeah, there's no need to talk about him.

02:00:01.000 Poor guy.

02:00:03.000 But some people still get caught up in it. 0.74

02:00:07.000 You know, look, there's always going to be retards. 1.00

02:00:11.000 There's always going to be dumbfuckers. 1.00

02:00:12.000 There's always going to be joke thieves, too. 1.00

02:00:14.000 There's always going to be everything, man. 1.00

02:00:15.000 There's always going to be people who enjoy stupid shit. 1.00

02:00:18.000 There's always going to be people who think Nancy is hilarious and I suck. 1.00

02:00:22.000 That's all good, man. 1.00

02:00:23.000 It's a fucking big world, you know? 0.99

02:00:26.000 Like what you like. 1.00

02:00:27.000 Who gives a fuck, son? 1.00

02:00:29.000 Well, you know what? 1.00

02:00:30.000 We're at 5 minutes and 13 seconds, which means we just ate through 2 hours.

02:00:35.000 So that's more than enough.

02:00:37.000 Yes.

02:00:37.000 That's more than enough.

02:00:38.000 Look, there's all this comedy stuff.

02:00:40.000 You know, go listen.

02:00:42.000 You want to hear some, instead of all this negative stuff, Carlos Mencia rules.

02:00:45.000 He rules your mother. 0.93

02:00:46.000 This is what I think.

02:00:50.000 There's great comics right now.

02:00:52.000 This is one of the best times ever for stand-up comedy.

02:00:55.000 There's so many good guys.

02:00:57.000 There's Bill Burr, who's a hilarious comic.

02:00:59.000 If you've never heard his stuff before, I did that Kevin and Bean April Foolishness show with him a couple weekends ago. 0.98

02:01:06.000 Fucking dude is fantastic. 0.98

02:01:07.000 He's hilarious. 0.99

02:01:09.000 There's Patton Oswalt, who's one of my favorites. 0.98

02:01:11.000 He's goddamn hilarious. 0.91

02:01:13.000 All of his CDs are great. 0.95

02:01:14.000 Just an awesome writer.

02:01:15.000 Stan Hope.

02:01:16.000 Of course, you know, he's a classic.

02:01:19.000 Jim Norton.

02:01:19.000 Jim Norton, hilarious.

02:01:21.000 Louis C.K., of course.

02:01:22.000 There's so many good comics now.

02:01:24.000 Now, instead of thinking negative about guys to steal and bullshit and the problems with this and that, the positive thing is there's so much good comedy now.

02:01:33.000 There's so many good comedians. 0.99

02:01:35.000 And if you like my shit, my new thing just came out. 0.99

02:01:38.000 You can get it. 1.00

02:01:39.000 It's Talking Monkeys in Space.

02:01:40.000 It's on iTunes.

02:01:41.000 You can get it on DVD. JoeRogan.net has all the links.

02:01:44.000 JoeRogan.net has all the links.

02:01:46.000 And it's on Amazon.

02:01:47.000 And it's number two on iTunes. 0.99

02:01:48.000 Comedy, bitch. 1.00

02:01:50.000 Getting my ass kicked by Robin Williams. 1.00

02:01:51.000 But the point is, there's good stuff now. 0.99

02:01:54.000 That's what's important.

02:01:55.000 Positive. 1.00

02:01:55.000 Not negative, you fucking faggots. 1.00

02:01:58.000 Alright. 1.00

02:01:59.000 Thank you very much for tuning in.

02:02:00.000 We had a good time.

02:02:01.000 Hope we answered all your questions.

02:02:03.000 I love you too. 1.00

02:02:04.000 You rule too, you crazy bitch. 1.00

02:02:06.000 And all good. 1.00

02:02:08.000 Thanks.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 13, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #16 - Brian Redban

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript