Bert Kreischer tells the story of his dad shitting his pants on Black Friday in the middle of the day, in a Banana Republic, in Beverly Hills, and on Cyber Monday, on the 28th of November. Joe and Brian try to figure out if this is a true story or if it's just a joke, but they can't shake the feeling that it's not a joke at all. Joe also talks about a new product he's trying to get into, and why he's not using it yet. And of course, there's still time to get 10% off the new Fleshlight, which is the number 1 sex toy for men, if you enter the code "ROGAN" at checkout, you'll get 15% off for the entire year! Plus, find out if he's using the Fleshlight or not, and find out why he thinks it's the best sex toy he's ever used. Joe also gives us the inside scoop on what it's like when it comes to shitting your pants on the job, and we talk about the time his dad shit his pants in a banana republic. The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by Onnit. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Please rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts. If you like what you hear, please leave us a review and tell a friend about it! and we'll make sure to include it in the next week on the next episode of the podcast. Thank you in next week's mailbag! -Joe Rogan and Brian McElroy - Joe Rogans - Thank you for listening to this episode of Joe's Joeson_Rogan Experience? Subscribe to the show and review the show on Podchaser and I'll send you a review of the episode on iTunes and review it on the podcast! Thanks! XOXO, Brian and I hope you enjoy it on your favorite podcasting app! Cheers, Joe Rogan - The Rogan Experience. -Jonah and Brian - Ronna - and the ROGAN Podcasts - The Crew - XO xoxo, The R.J. & the R.O.B. Crew -- Thank You, Jonah and the Crew
00:00:03.000The Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.
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00:01:21.000So if you're hearing this on November 28th and if you go to Onnit.com and enter in the code name Cyber, then you get 25% off just for today.
00:01:49.000I was buying a jacket, this leather jacket, and he wanted a sweater, and all of a sudden he comes up, he's got my daughters in his hands, and he goes, buddy, buddy, we're about to have a problem.
00:03:40.000And if you think that it's too expensive and you're interested in Nootropics, please look it up online.
00:03:45.000There's plenty of great articles and great pieces written on Nootropics.
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00:04:12.000In our long drawn out commercials that I do to sponsor this podcast, to keep it free, ladies and gentlemen, because otherwise it would be unbearable if we couldn't make money from this fucker.
00:04:28.000Burt Kreischer was telling, what I smell might be one of the great stories.
00:04:33.000Your dad, who used to shit his pants all the time in his 30s.
00:06:00.000Shitting your pants is a lot like getting a DUI. You roll the dice so much and get away with it that when you do get caught with your hand in a cookie jar, you're like, motherfucker!
00:06:08.000I... I never thought that was going to happen.
00:06:33.000We were living in like North Tampa, not in like the nicer North Tampa, but in the shittier redneck versus black North Tampa.
00:06:40.000And the first time I ever heard the N-word was in this neighborhood.
00:06:43.000But my dad used to run marathons, so he'd run like five miles, 10 miles, and he'd go out.
00:06:47.000And on these 10-mile runs, he'd shit his pants.
00:06:49.000So he'd go into these orange groves, shit himself, right?
00:06:52.000Clean himself the best he could, and then run home.
00:06:55.000But, there were some nights, I remember these distinctly, it was before cell phones, where it would get dark, and my mom was like, we gotta go look for your dad.
00:07:01.000And we'd be driving his route where he'd run, and all of a sudden, like a naked, half-naked, my dad would come out of the fucking orange grove, like, I'm here!
00:07:11.000Oh, he just would, yeah, it would be, I remember thunder and lightning, and he's just sitting in an orange grove, naked, like, had to shit his pants.
00:09:22.000Before the article, I was just the loud, fun, shirtless guy on top of the bar getting everyone in a frenzy.
00:09:28.000And then when the article came out, it was like the fucking linemen would come to the bar I drank at, Yanni's, and they'd pull me aside and they're like, you're drinking with us tonight.
00:09:36.000We want to drink with the party animal.
00:09:38.000And then I'd just be up with these linemen, like four linemen, and we'd be just doing shots and shots and shots.
00:14:54.000And he goes, we need it to be a segment.
00:14:56.000And the segment's three and a half minutes.
00:14:58.000And we can't make a footage out of eight seconds.
00:15:01.000I mean, if you watch it online, because I wouldn't do it again.
00:15:04.000And they just replay it over and over and over.
00:15:07.000That's pretty uncreative of him, that you couldn't come up with some sort of a way to fill that time where you would talk over it and describe when you realized what a terrible idea it was.
00:18:07.000connection with jackass and that i did a show very similar to it for six episodes we did six episodes but i met johnny knoxville after the rolling stone stuff the rolling stone stuff was crazy when that came out it was like being famous cut back to how i pissed on my girlfriend's table yes so thank you so that was like unwinding that was like untangling a necklace that I don't know how you did that.
00:18:40.000with my girlfriend, her sister, and her sister's boyfriend, who was the coolest fucking guy, and he always had weed, so we go out, and everyone's buying me shots, we're getting fucking hammered, her parents had just bought a house, just bought this brand new house, just like, and it was their dream house, we had Thanksgiving together, we held hands, talked about how at the table, how this is everything, we've worked for guys as a team, we saved, we scrimped, anyway, we go back to her house, and I'm like, I'm not fucking done.
00:23:17.000What happened was, and then I start going, oh shit, this totally did happen.
00:23:22.000I woke up in the middle of the night, walked out to their dining room table erect, and tried to go to the bathroom.
00:23:29.000You know how you kind of try to lean it down?
00:23:31.000So I must have been making a ton of noise at their dining room table, pissed on their dining room table, full-blown pissed on their dining room table.
00:28:33.000I debated back and forth whether or not to have one right before the podcast because, like, it's always good to be charged up while you do the podcast.
00:28:40.000But I was like, no, let's see what happens because I've been doing this for the past, like I said, I guess it's probably been about five or six days now.
00:29:09.000Shit that it does, like when you get severely dehydrated from really getting hammered and really hungover, there's also an effect on cerebrospinal fluid that takes two weeks to recover from.
00:29:19.000So there's like all these different things, different processes that happen when your body gets severely dehydrated and severely fucked up from alcohol.
00:30:13.000Yeah, it's good, except if you cut something out of your life, like pasta, dude, that is the shit you're going to crave in such a rabid way, man.
00:30:22.000I never want cookies, but when I was on Atkins, I wanted cookies all the fucking time.
00:30:25.000It's easy to eat clean if you decide to eat clean, but if you've got some crazy law, like if you have some rules, and now you know you're following those, you're not just eating clean.
00:30:33.000You know you're following those specific rules.
00:30:36.000All the things that aren't on there are the things you start craving.
00:30:38.000The second I quit drinking, I go, that's when all the beer commercials look awesome.
00:32:36.000The problem is alcohol is fun as fuck.
00:32:38.000You know, there's very few things that are as fun as just a good night out when you're drunk with a bunch of fun friends and you're all laughing and cracking up.
00:32:49.000At the end of the night, you go eat somewhere stupid.
00:32:51.000Eat some greasy meat concoction with cheese and gravy and you take your fat, stupid ass to bed.
00:33:34.000I don't believe that they scramble it 100%, but I believe that as soon as I walk in there, I'll go from three bars to no service, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
00:33:43.000Almost like they're making your phones cut off.
00:36:12.000We all need to be terrified by the matrix.
00:36:15.000We all need a view of the great beyond.
00:36:17.000And what weed gives you is a terrifying feeling of your mortality.
00:36:22.000It gives you a feeling of insecurity, a feeling of what you call paranoia, because what it is is you've dropped all the blinders all around you, and you realize...
00:37:41.000I mean, if you had to create your own society, if it was Burt World, and you had, you know, there's 100 people, and you claimed that you were the king of Burt World, and you got to establish all the laws, could you imagine if you said no pot?
00:39:45.000Vincent D'Onofrio played this guy, Robert E. Howard, in a movie about his life.
00:39:49.000Because Robert E. Howard was this really eccentric character who wrote all these fantastic novels of fantasy, but lived with his mother in his 30s and shot himself, killed himself.
00:40:01.000But he was responsible for Conan the Barbarian and Kroll the Conqueror and all these different fantasy books this dude wrote.
00:43:24.000And the guy's got all these crazy tattoos all over his body, and I'm looking at this Birdman guy, and he has this star tattooed on his head.
00:43:32.000He's got something tattooed on his face, he's got tear drops tattooed, and he's got a star tattooed on the top of his head.
00:43:38.000Brian, can you pull up an image of him?
00:43:39.000Yeah, the recent images you want, because I'm sure he gets tattooed a lot.
00:45:59.000The moment the numbers of Mac users, the moment they get up to a certain amount where it's worthy of their time, then they'll start writing viruses.
00:46:56.000They're talking about how big they're living, showing you how they don't give a fuck, getting tattoos on their head, driving around Bentleys.
00:49:22.000When you watch a stand-up special, what's really cool is a special, but what's really underrated is all the people that do it behind the scenes.
00:49:29.000The guy who directs the UFC is a very good friend of mine, Anthony Giordano, and he's the one who did my special, too.
00:49:35.000But he's a guy who understands how to make something look cool, how to cut things, how to shoot things.
00:50:55.000Look, this is just a part of being a human being.
00:50:57.000You've got to pretend that hole that shit comes out of, that occasionally air doesn't leak out of there, and occasionally it stains your underwear.
00:52:14.000The ball stops at, say, like, four inches, five, but the scrotum keeps going to, like, seven.
00:52:22.000That's because you have a lot of potential for manliness.
00:52:25.000It's like, say, if you went to a surgeon and they were going to give you artificial breasts, they would make a nice deep pocket for a good set of double D's.
00:53:31.000That's as real as it gets for a sport.
00:53:34.000I think the only reason I take this, I say to you, have you seen, but the only reason I probably saw it is because of your news feed on Twitter, have you seen the guy in the squirrel outfit jump off the fucking thing and miss the ground by like six fucking feet?
00:54:01.000It's one of the baddest things I've ever seen in my life.
00:54:03.000You have to be absolutely fucking fearless to do that because one mistake, one miscalculation of the terrain where you don't pull up in time and you slam into the fucking mountain, you're done, son.
00:54:29.000But I was like, man, when you're screaming at the earth at 100 miles an hour, there is a fucking surreal moment where you go, alright, this is it.
00:55:02.000And it's the most uncomfortable position to have a man in.
00:55:04.000Sitting on a man's dick on the flight up to get to 13,000 feet so you can jump out.
00:55:09.000And you're trying to have your own little moment, but you got some East German with his arms around you holding on to you, like going, let's tighten you up, tighten you up, tighten you up.
00:57:09.000We partied in Mexico, me and her husband, and we killed, I killed, I will say I, because I don't want anyone to think that she drinks a lot, but I murdered some wine, like nice wine, in her room with her husband, listening to music.
00:59:44.000Mine was Edgar, and hers was, I think...
00:59:46.000Do you ever worry that the bodyguards have sold information because they've seen Bert the Conqueror and they want you to do a bunch of shit around their house?
01:01:13.000Well, there is money in Mexico, but, you know, the big, like, Mexico City and stuff like that, I mean, there's really nice sections of Mexico City.
01:01:19.000We were in San Miguel Allende, and it was very fucking nice.
01:01:22.000They showed the HBO special, the 24-7 with Pacquiao and Marquez, and they showed, like, Mexico City.
01:01:27.000Like, Mexico City's like a real city, you know?
01:02:49.000The difference between him and, you know, in America, him and a minimum wage worker is substantial, but it's almost, you can see it in the distance.
01:05:51.000Like, obvious examples of a fighter who has a really tough fight, like an all-time epic battle, and then essentially never reaches that performance level again.
01:06:00.000And you don't know whether or not it's physical, like it took a lot out of their body, which, you know, does play a factor.
01:06:06.000A real big beating like that, I mean, a real war, that can really, those body shots that Chavez hit him with over and over again, that could really wreck havoc on you.
01:06:15.000And then you also got to consider his motivation.
01:06:17.000When a guy gets beat up, sometimes they don't have the zest and the fire that they had when they were undefeated and they thought they were unstoppable.
01:06:52.000If we're going to do this, let's do this intelligently.
01:06:54.000And the ones that think that way, they have a long life in the sport.
01:06:57.000And the ones that don't, those are the ones that, you know, they have a few epic contests where they essentially have a really, really difficult time recovering from, whether it's psychologically, whether it's physically.
01:07:08.000You know, those really, really tough ones, those are the hard ones to come back from.
01:07:12.000Getting your ass kicked is more psychological, I think.
01:07:15.000It is, but it's important for people, too.
01:12:28.000So I heard a fight, this is a story I've told on stand-up many a time, but the short, honest version of it is, I was at a party, someone yelled fight, and I thought all of EPU, all my friends were going to come and watch it, and I rolled out, and it's one caveman, right, and the whole TWT, together we thump posse.
01:12:48.000Like, it's all black dudes and one white caveman.
01:12:51.000And I stick my head in, and I actually know this caveman.
01:12:53.000I know his reputation, but he's unconscious on the fucking floor.
01:14:13.000And I remember thinking to myself, and this is, the joke is very different than this, but the truth is, went into his hair and I held it there because I thought, I never touched a black person's hair before.
01:14:45.000You got there, he'd already been knocked out.
01:14:47.000That guy, when I stuck my head in, he was unconscious, and this guy Donovan, who is standing over him, beating him, pummeling him, and I fucking stuck my head in.
01:17:48.000I think if you come to me with some sort of a predetermined idea of who I am or what you think about something I said once and you're angry at me, Then it's probably not going to be a fun conversation.
01:18:01.000I've had that happen before, where people misinterpret something I said or take it out of context or disagree with it, you know?
01:18:32.000Add that to the mix and you should be dealing with much less problems.
01:18:35.000We should have, because of Google, for real, we should probably have I'd say a 75% reduction in arguments between human beings.
01:18:43.000They should be resolved 75% quicker, just from the access to information.
01:18:47.000Because how many goddamn arguments, when we were kids, came out of one guy talking out of his fucking ass, and you knowing it, but you not having an encyclopedia handy?
01:18:55.000Oh yeah, and you just would fight that until the day, and you know, that's a cocksucker that thinks that movie went straight to video.
01:20:46.000Yeah, that was a song that I... We were barbecued one night and we were hanging out with him and he had just started dating this particular lass.
01:20:53.000And for some reason, we started singing a song called I Saw Your Girlfriend's Butthole.
01:25:01.000When I was younger in this business, I would definitely take apart someone I did not know and look at their act and be like, you could get me started on someone and I would destroy that motherfucker and pick apart everything.
01:26:18.000Where you open or you have one day where you'll be the headliner and he'll be the middle act and he'll have a certain set and it'll do well and then you'll have a bunch of bits on certain subjects and all of a sudden the next night he magically has these new bits that you can tell are new bits.
01:28:50.000If you want these people to love you, you want these people to think you're the funniest guy ever, boom, how about this brilliant impression with this perfect story that is so fucking hilarious?
01:28:58.000You're going to be holding your stomach laughing.
01:30:34.000Getting this concept of being a regular guy, thinking your kids are a dick, wanting to eat whatever the fuck you want, being married to someone who's a little micromanaging, being Louis C.K. He wanted to get that idea out, so he didn't give a shit.
01:30:50.000I remember going up and murdering as a feature.
01:30:52.000And then Louis would go up and kind of like...
01:31:09.000But I was so impressed that he had a bigger goal.
01:31:12.000He wanted to create new material quickly.
01:31:15.000Yeah, he wanted to make, he wanted to make, he wanted to change his style.
01:31:20.000His style was goofy, absurd, you know, kind of, I always, I don't know why, but I think of like top, top ten fucking humor for some reason.
01:32:44.000There was a series of guys that were guitar comics who had some kind of funny songs, but they resented the fact that they were not considered legitimate comedians by the rest of the comedians.
01:32:53.000They did something that was a little extra...
01:32:56.000If you just had to go up there and talk, you would eat dicks up there.
01:33:07.000Not saying there's anything wrong with it, but what I'm saying is there was a bunch of guys who got pretty good with a guitar, and then they tried to put the guitar down and just go on their own personality, and they would eat dicks up there.
01:34:33.000And it seems like whatever it is, it's really weird because every time you meet him, most of the time, it's like, hey, he's just a nice guy, very friendly.
01:34:41.000And then he has a bad, weird side, I guess.
01:35:30.000I actually think that everyone should go to Doug.com instead of going to Amazon.com.
01:35:35.000If you go to D-U-G-G-E-D.com, Brian, explain to me why that's good.
01:35:40.000If you're going to shop on Amazon.com, Doug.com just forwards you to Amazon.com, but any time you spend a dollar, I get six cents, and it goes towards this studio that we're recording in.
01:35:52.000So Amazon doesn't charge them any more?
01:38:12.000He's one of the most honest people I've ever met that's in show business.
01:38:16.000He came on the show and was telling me a story about his wife passing away.
01:38:21.000I heard about raising his kids and doing the best he can, but he still has to travel on the road and sometimes he has to leave them and he doesn't want to and it breaks his heart.
01:40:39.000I see him all the time at the UFC. He loves it.
01:40:40.000He's one of the sweetest, hardest guys that I have ever in this business.
01:40:45.000One of the coolest things about doing this podcast, one of the coolest things about just being a comic in LA, is you get to meet a lot of goddamn interesting people.
01:40:53.000Think about our lives in that respect.
01:40:55.000All the wild stories that you told me, your fucking drinking story with Johnny Knoxville, and just the nutty shit that you've told me in the past.
01:41:02.000Think about how fortunate you are in comparison to the average person.
01:41:06.000The average person doesn't have those kind of experiences.
01:41:08.000The average person doesn't live so insanely fun a life.
01:42:03.000And I was saying this podcast has made...
01:42:05.000It's so fascinating to be a part of because when I stand on stage, the second I get on stage, I see droves of people in machine shirts, all sold.
01:42:44.000Having you on this podcast is just, we're lucky.
01:42:46.000I've never subscribed to the idea that someone should be happy that they come on someone's show and are entertaining as fuck for free for hours.
01:43:46.000The one you did with Attell is overwhelming.
01:43:48.000It's one of my favorite interviews I've heard with Attell, especially when you told him he could smoke, because then all of a sudden Dave started really fucking relaxing.
01:51:01.000I got my personal stacks of 5-HTP. And by the way, if you take New Mood, this is the 5-HTP thing, and you're taking antidepressants already, it could be a problem.
01:51:16.000Because apparently, what Neil Brennan was doing when he came on the podcast and he started talking about antidepressants and 5-HTP and how it helped him, his doctor told him essentially that what's happening is when you take 5-HTP and you're already on antidepressants, it's like getting two antidepressants.
01:51:36.000Which is really crazy because what that means is that 5-HTP essentially produces much of the same stuff that these antidepressants produce.
01:51:45.000It's almost like it's natural antidepressants.
01:58:50.000Big Joe's J-O-E-S David D-A-V-Y Joyce J-O-Y-C-E Reply Look at this Hello Sammy I seen you in a play there Norvice Squeak as I call you I seen you in a play there On the internet The machine is straight out of this internet shit The computer Hold on, stop, stop, stop.
01:59:11.000Brian, you got two things playing at the same time.
02:10:14.000When you think about what those motherfuckers were into back then, Like Kennedy.
02:10:20.000How Kennedy almost flaunted his friendships with all these high-level celebrity entertainment figures and all these hot chicks around him all the time.
02:11:23.000To be a really, really funny person, there's like a certain level of unconventionality, a certain frequency of I don't give a fuck that has to be reached.
02:12:07.000Brian and I were driving to your house or from your house one day, and Joey called Brian, and Brian and they started talking on the speakerphone.
02:12:15.000Oh, that was uncomfortable because you brought it up.
02:12:18.000I was in the car, and I just felt like I'm eavesdropping, so I just said, I go, hey...
02:17:40.000That first New Pussy experience you had where you would go in and you'd get on top and you were like, alright, this is gonna happen really fast.
02:18:05.000But the problem is we're fucking wired to want to have sex with other women.
02:18:09.000So life becomes a matter of managing your desires and managing which ones manifest themselves into the real world because they can cause a lot of negative energy, and they can cause a lot of arguments, and they can cause a lot of lonely nights.
02:18:24.000You've got to look at what is the most logical plan of attack to have a happy life, and what is the most logical attempt to have a wild, chaotic, rollercoaster ride of...
02:18:38.000Those chaotic nights were awesome, though.
02:18:41.000Where you're standing on top of a corner of a building in New York and the sun's coming up and you've got a fucking girl from Liverpool next to you whose tongue sucks at the bottom of her mouth.
02:18:48.000And she's like, oh, I need more than another pack of cigarettes.
02:19:26.000Nonsense talk and, you know, I watched this guy on a date once and I'll never forget this.
02:19:32.000They were at a table next to us and the guy was talking with this girl and the girl's talking about her dog and how her dog is so used to the finest automobiles and Mercedes-Benz and you know she was like going off about her dog that if she ever tried to bring her dog in a taxi cab she doesn't think her dog would go in and she was like It was just chaos.
02:20:57.000I remember thinking to myself, I stayed single for a long time and then I was like, I'm the fucking problem in all of these failed relationships.
02:21:17.000Sometimes you've got to rob a fucking train.
02:21:19.000Listen, that's the only way you make a guy who's as funny as you are in this form of the podcast.
02:21:24.000You know, these stories, these brilliant stories.
02:21:26.000You have to, I mean, your funny on stage comes from years of craft and working on it and writing and performing and stuff, but your ability to just tell these fucking stories on the podcast, that's why you were created the way you were created.
02:21:40.000That's why your life's been so chaotic and insane.
02:21:43.000It's to create this amazing product because a diamond doesn't get made unless you have a mountain pressing up against a piece of coal and You're fucking smushing the shit out of me for a million years.
02:21:53.000That's how you make a fucking diamond.
02:21:55.000You don't make a Burt Kreischer with a normal childhood.
02:22:59.000Dude, it was in the Ice House Chronicles, number three.
02:23:01.000You need to subscribe to Death Squad, bird.
02:23:03.000Dude, Steve-O was, first of all, he's cool as fuck, but second of all, his fucking experiences, dude, he was on a tree, and a lion climbed up the tree and got on top of him.
02:23:12.000I saw that on TV, and that was the craziest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life.
02:23:16.000And I tamed lions, but I saw that, and I went, I tamed lions.
02:24:11.000Me fighting the bear and getting fucking raped by a bear, and then me taming three lions.
02:24:16.000How much money do you think, if that got a million hits, how much money do you think that someone would make if they had those YouTube ads?
02:30:57.000And so, you know, Opie looks at me and goes, it's Joe Rogan, brother, and the death squad, you know, and we just started joking around, yeah, bro, with the death squad, like, just as a goof, and it became, now it's like one of those words, like, you hear it, you know, you hear death squad, and you go, that is the douchiest, most aggro, dumb, but to us, it doesn't even have that same meaning anymore.
02:31:19.000And that's why the logo bounces it out.
02:31:25.000When you and your friends heard a bunch of douchebags saying, like, bro-ham at spring break, and then you started calling each other bro-ham as a joke, and then all of a sudden you start calling each other bro-ham for real.
02:36:52.000So we get there, and Russell's definitely a big, like, he's a big name, and he doesn't, he's not gonna, he's there to do the show.
02:37:00.000He's also there for vacation with his chick, and his brother, and his wife, and they're having a good time, and they want us all to hang out, but there's like a list of things that they kind of wanted us to do.
02:37:07.000One of them's like, sample firearms, like go out and shoot firearms, and like, do this like, thing where these people come up in the screen, and you gotta shoot them, and Russell doesn't want to do that shit.
02:37:17.000So we're like, we're like, alright, so me, Tom, Charlie, and all our wives go out to do this like, Simulation where it's war.
02:38:40.000Russell goes on stage and Tom and I realize for the first time we put the dots together that these people have been trained to kill brown people and they just have a brown person headlining on stage and they don't see they're not seeing the nuances of Indian versus Iraqi they're just seeing brown and you can hear the murmur in the crowd just like why is this guy here?
02:40:42.000I think that's pretty much their thing.
02:40:43.000They don't ever let people curse on their shows.
02:40:45.000I remember I read a Louis C.K. article that he had on his blog about going overseas to entertain the troops and about how one time he kind of got dirty at a show and he apologized afterwards because he couldn't help it.
02:42:54.000We've got five minutes before the power goes off because this is a three-hour podcast already.
02:42:58.000And at three hours, Ustream cuts it off and then it becomes two separate hunks and it gets annoying.
02:43:02.000Jay Moore and I have been very incestuous, I would say, with this Tracy Morgan story.
02:43:08.000Jay has admittedly on his podcast said he told it that it happened to him and he distinctly regrets ever having told it on Opie and Anthony that it happened to him.
02:43:18.000He started telling it that it happened to me.
02:43:20.000And at the time that he told it that it happened about me, I was like, oh fuck, that makes me feel like...
02:44:01.000My wife thought it was a bad idea the first time I told it.
02:44:04.000And then what happened was we went to Amsterdam and Gary Garfinkel, the VP of Showtime, said to me in front of a bunch of comics, you're Bert from the Tracy Morgan story Jay tells on his special.
02:44:18.000Which fucking is like throwing lunch meat in front of lions.
02:45:11.000And that's what you're really good at.
02:45:12.000You're really good at not just telling stories, but telling them with economy of words and setting them up correctly and building it right to a big ending.
02:45:20.000And that's what you did in that thing.
02:45:57.000I talked about it a long-ass time ago on a podcast.
02:45:59.000It was one of the biggest, craziest things that's ever happened to me.
02:46:02.000If I told that story to Joe, and then Joe started doing it originally as it happened to him on stage to begin with, immediately that would piss me off so fucking hard.
02:46:13.000I think that would make it even a thousand times worse.
02:46:16.000I think that in this worst case scenario that this is, obviously, but I think he did the best.
02:46:25.000He's obviously taken for granted the fact that the story is structured in a funny way.
02:46:30.000You told him a story that's structured in a funny way.
02:46:33.000It's not simply a bunch of facts just put together in a timeline.
02:46:37.000You told it to him in an entertaining way.
02:46:40.000Out of all this that happened, I think the best of the worst case scenario was that he does tell it on his special that it happened to me.
02:48:49.000If, in fact, I should take responsibility for everything, my ego was inflamed the first time he told it, and he said that it happened to me, my ego was inflamed.
02:48:57.000And I loved it because it made me feel good.
02:48:59.000It made me feel like I was a real comic, that I had a real fucking thing.
02:49:02.000And then I thought that was where it would end.
02:52:23.000I would venture to say he would probably, if he was sitting at this table, agree with everything we're saying to a large point.
02:52:30.000And I think his wife, Nick, is a lot like you in the sense that the first time he told that on Opie and Anthony, as if it happened to him, she was like, you're fucked up.
02:52:54.000You know, people forgive you for the truth.
02:52:56.000What they don't forgive is horse shit.
02:52:58.000Because then, god damn it, it's tough enough communicating with people with noises that you make with your fucking mouth that we attach to a bunch of meaning things.
02:53:08.000When I find out that you're making artificial noises, you're faking it, that you're saying things that aren't true, or you're bullshitting me, or you're representing yourself in any way where I feel like, now I can't get an honest read from you.
02:53:21.000Now our communication is all horseshit because you just have this impression that you want to put out.
02:53:26.000You don't want me to know the real you.
02:53:28.000You want to put out this impression and you want me to respond to it in a positive way to fill up your fucking insecurities.
02:53:35.000And that's not what it's supposed to be all about.
02:53:37.000That's why when you were talking about your machine story and you were saying, could you imagine if that machine story, if somebody came up to you and goes, dude, everywhere you go, people yell out the machine.
02:53:57.000If someone found out that it was entirely fabricated, no one would ever listen to a word.
02:54:05.000That's the only reason I ever was hesitant about ever telling the Tracy Morgan story in the first place, because all it took Was Tracy Morgan one time saying that never happened?
02:54:15.000And my entire credentials as a comic for the rest of my life were done with.
02:54:20.000No matter if me and Tony Woods stood on a soapbox and watching in Square Park like Charlie Burnett and said...
02:54:24.000I disagree and I think everybody would believe you.
02:54:29.000You know how people view Tracy Morgan.
02:54:31.000I remember when I was a young comic in New York saying I had a story that was this...
02:54:35.000It was based off of a bit that I had heard in the music, and I liked the way they tagged the song, and I just wrote this bit with this story involved, and the tag was this song from an outcast lyric, and it was great.
02:54:47.000It was fucking great, and this fucking guy came up to me, and he goes, that is one of the best stories I've ever heard.
02:54:51.000It has id, it has ego, it has everything that's beautiful about a story.
02:56:14.000Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast.
02:56:17.000And if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.
02:56:24.000My favorite podcast we've done so far.