The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #161 - Bert Kreischer

00:00:01.000 Oh, sweetness! 0.83

00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:06.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:00:15.000 I have used it.

00:00:16.000 Our guest today, Bert Kreischer, can neither confirm nor deny.

00:00:21.000 But I did have a run-in in Miami that seemed close to it.

00:00:25.000 I don't know what that means. 0.96

00:00:26.000 It's called sex in a can. 0.87

00:00:27.000 Oh, it's the same thing? 0.99

00:00:28.000 Same guy, but it looks like a beer can.

00:00:30.000 Really?

00:00:30.000 Yeah.

00:00:31.000 And there's the lips.

00:00:32.000 You got a lips version?

00:00:33.000 Yeah, which is not cool.

00:00:34.000 You have some dude looking back.

00:00:36.000 You're like, come on, dude.

00:00:36.000 Seriously?

00:00:37.000 It looks like a dude's lips?

00:00:38.000 That's what it does to me.

00:00:39.000 It doesn't look like a chick's lips.

00:00:41.000 It doesn't look like a chick anyway, right? 1.00

00:00:43.000 Well, at least a vagina you can guess. 1.00

00:00:44.000 Yeah, I think they have one form of it where it's anonymous. 1.00

00:00:49.000 It's neither a butthole nor a vagina. 1.00

00:00:52.000 It's just sort of a hole, which is probably the best move. 0.99

00:00:55.000 Yeah, just a hole, a nondescript. 0.99

00:00:57.000 No one's looking at it getting turned on by this little circle of fake vagina. 1.00

00:01:00.000 Just like a hole like you're in Thailand on vacation. 1.00

00:01:02.000 That's what I'm talking about, dog.

00:01:05.000 Enter in the code name Rogan, you'll get 15% off the number.

00:01:08.000 I'm trying to shorten these things because I drag them on forever.

00:01:10.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain.

00:01:16.000 Today is, what is today's date?

00:01:17.000 It's the 28th.

00:01:19.000 This is the 28th.

00:01:20.000 It's just Cyber Monday.

00:01:21.000 So if you're hearing this on November 28th and if you go to Onnit.com and enter in the code name Cyber, then you get 25% off just for today.

00:01:31.000 Today is Cyber Monday.

00:01:32.000 You ever heard of Cyber Monday?

00:01:33.000 Yeah, I tried to buy a Zoom H2Z. Do you know what I'm talking about, Brian?

00:01:38.000 That's an MP3 player?

00:01:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:01:40.000 And I tried to buy it on Cyber Monday.

00:01:42.000 Because apparently Black Friday. 0.97

00:01:43.000 Last Black Friday, my dad shit his pants on a Banana Republic. 0.99

00:01:46.000 He shit his pants. 1.00

00:01:47.000 Shit his pants in a banana republic. 1.00

00:01:49.000 What happened? 1.00

00:01:49.000 I was buying a jacket, this leather jacket, and he wanted a sweater, and all of a sudden he comes up, he's got my daughters in his hands, and he goes, buddy, buddy, we're about to have a problem. 1.00

00:01:57.000 I said, what's the matter? 0.75

00:01:59.000 And he goes, I'm about to shit my pants. 0.98

00:02:00.000 And we're in Beverly Hills. 0.87

00:02:02.000 He goes, what do I do?

00:02:02.000 What do I do?

00:02:03.000 I said, I think you just shit your pants, Dad. 1.00

00:02:05.000 You're fucking 60 years old. 1.00

00:02:07.000 You just shit your pants. 1.00

00:02:08.000 He goes, I gotta go. 1.00

00:02:09.000 And he walked.

00:02:10.000 Oh my god. 0.98

00:02:11.000 He shit his pants in Beverly Hills and walked to his hotel. 0.94

00:02:15.000 How far is the walk? 0.96

00:02:16.000 The Pretty Woman Hotel.

00:02:17.000 We were on the Banana Republic in Beverly Hills and he walked to the Pretty Woman Hotel. 0.98

00:02:20.000 We shit in his pants and then got up to the house and he was like, that wasn't bad. 0.95

00:02:23.000 That hasn't happened in a long time. 1.00

00:02:25.000 Did his underwear contain this shit, or did it dribble down his legs? 1.00

00:02:28.000 I have no idea, but when he was in his 30s, he used to shit his pants all the fucking time. 1.00

00:02:33.000 Like, my dad shit his pants on the reg. 0.99

00:02:35.000 Like, it was... 0.98

00:02:36.000 On the reg.

00:02:37.000 On the reg? 1.00

00:02:37.000 He shit... 1.00

00:02:38.000 I had a nickel for every time... 1.00

00:02:40.000 This is before cell phones.

00:02:41.000 Listen, this is too good of a story to use up during this commercial.

00:02:44.000 Oh, come on! 0.99

00:02:44.000 We're in a commercial. 0.99

00:02:45.000 We're going to tell him, we'll play the music, and then I need to hear about your old man shitting himself. 0.99

00:02:50.000 I really do need to hear this. 0.99

00:02:51.000 But we need to get this out of the way or people go fucking crazy. 0.99

00:02:54.000 So, anyway, today, Cyber Monday, we're going to get right back to your old man shitting the pants story. 0.98

00:02:59.000 Just people have been complaining so much about the length of these commercials, and I agree. 0.71

00:03:02.000 That's why I'm continuing to drag it out right now.

00:03:04.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link every day, you get 10% off.

00:03:09.000 Click on the link for AlphaBrain, you get 10% off if you enter in the code name Rogan.

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00:03:45.000 There's plenty of great articles and great pieces written on Nootropics.

00:03:49.000 If you want, just steal our ingredient list and make your own and save some money, okay?

00:03:53.000 But if you want to buy from us, go to onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. And today, you get 25% off with the code word CYBER. All right, you dirty bitches. 1.00

00:04:02.000 Bird crisis in the house! 1.00

00:04:04.000 The fucking machine has returned! 1.00

00:04:07.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. 1.00

00:04:11.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:04:12.000 In our long drawn out commercials that I do to sponsor this podcast, to keep it free, ladies and gentlemen, because otherwise it would be unbearable if we couldn't make money from this fucker. 0.98

00:04:28.000 Burt Kreischer was telling, what I smell might be one of the great stories. 0.99

00:04:33.000 Your dad, who used to shit his pants all the time in his 30s. 0.98

00:04:36.000 In his 30s, all the time. 0.99

00:04:37.000 How long would you say the story began with you saying that he shit his pants recently? 0.99

00:04:41.000 He shit his pants in a Banana Republic in Beverly Hills. 0.99

00:04:46.000 And it was like the real coming of age part of my life when my dad looked at me and he was like, buddy, I'm about to shit my pants. 0.99

00:04:53.000 What do I do? 0.92

00:04:54.000 Here's the worst part. 0.99

00:04:56.000 Here's the fucking worst part of it, right? 1.00

00:04:57.000 So I look at him and I go, just shit your pants, dad. 1.00

00:04:59.000 I think you gotta shit your pants. 1.00

00:05:01.000 I go, shit your pants a little bit and then walk as far as you can and get to your hotel. 1.00

00:05:05.000 And he just left my daughters with me, like fucking dropped them and was like, I'm fucking out of here. 0.99

00:05:09.000 And so he started walking down Rodeo or whatever, you know, Burton or one of those roads to get to his hotel, right? 0.98

00:05:14.000 So my mom comes up and she's like, where's your dad?

00:05:17.000 And I said, oh, he left me this sweater.

00:05:19.000 I got to buy it for him. 0.99

00:05:20.000 I ended up buying him the sweater and I go, he had to shit his pants. 0.99

00:05:23.000 She goes, what do you mean he had to shit his pants? 1.00

00:05:25.000 I go, he had to shit, so he shit his pants. 1.00

00:05:27.000 And then he just, he's walking down the street. 1.00

00:05:29.000 I go, I'm sure we can catch him.

00:05:30.000 He's walking slow.

00:05:31.000 And then my wife comes up. 1.00

00:05:32.000 She goes, where's your dad? 0.99

00:05:33.000 And I go, he shit his pants. 0.98

00:05:33.000 She goes, why didn't he just use the bathroom? 0.98

00:05:35.000 I said, where's the bathroom?

00:05:35.000 She goes, downstairs.

00:05:37.000 And I went, I probably should have told him that.

00:05:39.000 You didn't think there was a bathroom there?

00:05:41.000 I don't know.

00:05:41.000 I was in panic mode.

00:05:43.000 It was Black Friday!

00:05:44.000 And I'm waiting in line, too, and I got a leather jacket on sale. 0.81

00:05:47.000 Well, it's even worse, I think, if you shit your pants in line for the bathroom.

00:05:50.000 Because then everybody's going to know if there's a big line of people and you just... 0.99

00:05:53.000 You just dump in your pants.

00:05:55.000 Then you're like close proximity to other people. 0.99

00:05:57.000 There's no way to play off shitting your pants. 1.00

00:05:58.000 When you shit your pants... 1.00

00:06:00.000 I say this. 1.00

00:06:00.000 Shitting your pants is a lot like getting a DUI. You roll the dice so much and get away with it that when you do get caught with your hand in a cookie jar, you're like, motherfucker! 1.00

00:06:08.000 I... I never thought that was going to happen. 1.00

00:06:10.000 Are you kidding me? 1.00

00:06:11.000 I shit my back on a DUI. I do this all the time. 0.99

00:06:14.000 Why today?

00:06:15.000 Oh, that's so true. 0.96

00:06:16.000 But in his 30s, he was running marathons, and he used to shit his pants all the time. 0.73

00:06:22.000 I'm not even saying like, oh, once a month. 0.92

00:06:26.000 I'm talking once a week.

00:06:28.000 This is before cell phones, too.

00:06:30.000 And he was in his 30s?

00:06:32.000 He was in his 30s.

00:06:32.000 I was a kid.

00:06:33.000 We were living in like North Tampa, not in like the nicer North Tampa, but in the shittier redneck versus black North Tampa. 1.00

00:06:40.000 And the first time I ever heard the N-word was in this neighborhood.

00:06:43.000 But my dad used to run marathons, so he'd run like five miles, 10 miles, and he'd go out.

00:06:47.000 And on these 10-mile runs, he'd shit his pants. 0.98

00:06:49.000 So he'd go into these orange groves, shit himself, right? 0.99

00:06:52.000 Clean himself the best he could, and then run home. 0.94

00:06:55.000 But, there were some nights, I remember these distinctly, it was before cell phones, where it would get dark, and my mom was like, we gotta go look for your dad. 0.98

00:07:01.000 And we'd be driving his route where he'd run, and all of a sudden, like a naked, half-naked, my dad would come out of the fucking orange grove, like, I'm here! 0.96

00:07:08.000 Get me in the car! 0.98

00:07:09.000 Right now, if he, I hope he...

00:07:10.000 You knew you would come get him? 0.97

00:07:11.000 Oh, he just would, yeah, it would be, I remember thunder and lightning, and he's just sitting in an orange grove, naked, like, had to shit his pants. 0.95

00:07:18.000 And we'd be like, over here!

00:07:19.000 And he'd be like, alright!

00:07:20.000 And he'd just hop in the front seat.

00:07:21.000 Go home!

00:07:21.000 Let's go!

00:07:22.000 Like, real quick. 0.99

00:07:23.000 He'd shit his pants a lot. 0.97

00:07:25.000 He hates my stories. 0.99

00:07:27.000 I hope someone, if anyone is listening to this, knows my dad.

00:07:29.000 Let him listen to this. 1.00

00:07:30.000 Because every fucking story I ever tell, he fucking always goes, God damn your fucking imagination! 1.00

00:07:38.000 That's not how it... 1.00

00:07:39.000 I did not shit my pants! 0.99

00:07:40.000 I shit a little bit... 0.99

00:07:42.000 I didn't shit my... 1.00

00:07:43.000 You're making people think I shit my pants! 1.00

00:07:44.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:07:45.000 He just squirts.

00:07:46.000 He's just a little squirter.

00:07:46.000 I don't know.

00:07:47.000 Let's call him on the phone.

00:07:48.000 Do it.

00:07:49.000 Let's get my dad on the phone.

00:07:50.000 See, this is a perfect example.

00:07:51.000 My dad and I are night and day human beings.

00:07:53.000 We were telling stories this weekend about one time...

00:07:57.000 Okay, one time, one morning, I thought...

00:08:01.000 My parents were out of town.

00:08:02.000 My little sister was 10. I was probably 21. I was drinking a lot at the time because I was party animal shit.

00:08:09.000 And I was pissing in a lot of places, like in the roundhouses. 0.99

00:08:12.000 I got pissed on my ex-girlfriend's dining room table and was walked in by her dad. 0.99

00:08:17.000 Dude, you want to talk about a fucking nightmare? 1.00

00:08:20.000 What?! 1.00

00:08:20.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. 1.00

00:08:22.000 You pissed on the dining room table of her house?

00:08:25.000 Kristen Medock.

00:08:26.000 And her dad walked in and caught you?

00:08:27.000 Her dad, Larry Medock, in Orlando.

00:08:30.000 Larry, if you're listening, I'm guilty.

00:08:37.000 I never really accepted blame for it. 0.96

00:08:39.000 I always said it never fucking happened.

00:08:41.000 Why did you do it? 0.96

00:08:44.000 It was Thanksgiving.

00:08:45.000 It was right after the Rolling Stone magazine came out.

00:08:47.000 I go back to party.

00:08:49.000 What do you mean the Rolling Stone magazine came out?

00:08:50.000 The Rolling Stone in 1997 called me the number one party animal in the country.

00:08:54.000 Just for someone who doesn't know.

00:08:56.000 And then that was a big deal.

00:08:57.000 I became famous in Tampa, Tallahassee, Gainesville, Orlando.

00:09:03.000 Anywhere that people who went to Florida State lived, they knew who I was. 0.99

00:09:07.000 They were like, that's the fucking party guy. 0.99

00:09:09.000 So if I went out, shots... 1.00

00:09:11.000 Really?

00:09:12.000 Weed.

00:09:12.000 People put drugs in my hand.

00:09:14.000 It was fucking insane. 0.99

00:09:16.000 I'd get roofied. 0.99

00:09:16.000 I got roofied a couple times. 0.99

00:09:17.000 So you became a celebrity partier overnight.

00:09:20.000 I became the guy that I'd walk...

00:09:22.000 Before the article, I was just the loud, fun, shirtless guy on top of the bar getting everyone in a frenzy. 0.75

00:09:28.000 And then when the article came out, it was like the fucking linemen would come to the bar I drank at, Yanni's, and they'd pull me aside and they're like, you're drinking with us tonight. 0.95

00:09:36.000 We want to drink with the party animal. 0.98

00:09:38.000 And then I'd just be up with these linemen, like four linemen, and we'd be just doing shots and shots and shots.

00:09:43.000 And these guys are 350 pounds.

00:09:44.000 Oh my god.

00:09:45.000 I'm 218 at the time probably.

00:09:47.000 Like I threw 218 and probably more like 225. But...

00:09:50.000 And so I became like, I say famous, I say like reality show famous.

00:09:56.000 Like the way Snooki, her first season was, you know?

00:09:59.000 So that's how you were in your town, in your local community.

00:10:02.000 In Tallahassee, if I went, like right after that article came out, in Tallahassee, definitely.

00:10:06.000 In Orlando, I knew, 40% of the bar knew who I was.

00:10:10.000 In Tampa, everyone knew who I was.

00:10:11.000 And that's back when people actually read magazines.

00:10:13.000 It's before reality shows.

00:10:15.000 It's before the internet.

00:10:16.000 Before the internet is a big one.

00:10:18.000 It's like, you were in this, so I was on, Oprah called and wanted me to be on her show.

00:10:22.000 But she wanted my parents to be on too. 0.99

00:10:23.000 And mom was like, I'm not going to do that to my fucking parents. 0.99

00:10:26.000 So I did everything. 1.00

00:10:28.000 I did like, fucking, they sent, you ready for this? 0.99

00:10:30.000 This is how bizarre this period got. 0.99

00:10:34.000 ESPN sent a tour bus with two actors in it to come shoot a commercial of partying with me.

00:10:39.000 Of what it's like to party with the number one party animal.

00:10:42.000 Yeah.

00:10:42.000 For the X Games, right?

00:10:43.000 They wanted to like...

00:10:44.000 And one of the actors was Johnny Knoxville. 1.00

00:10:46.000 Fucking bizarre as shit. 1.00

00:10:48.000 So Johnny Knoxville, we meet, and he says, you do drugs? 1.00

00:10:52.000 And I was like...

00:10:53.000 In my head, I'm like, yeah, I'm an adult.

00:10:55.000 Let's do it.

00:10:56.000 So we go into this tour bus.

00:10:57.000 I'd never done pills.

00:10:58.000 Like, pills?

00:10:59.000 And so he like pours... 1.00

00:11:02.000 Like Tylenol and shit? 1.00

00:11:03.000 No, no. 0.99

00:11:03.000 Yeah, a little stronger probably. 0.99

00:11:05.000 Like Tylenol PM probably.

00:11:06.000 No, he just pours some Tylenols.

00:11:09.000 Whatever it was, he pours them in my hand.

00:11:10.000 And so I like thumb one, like finger one, hold it down.

00:11:15.000 And he gives me two and I pop one.

00:11:16.000 And then he starts passing a bone.

00:11:18.000 Oh, so you're being calculated about it. 0.99

00:11:19.000 I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm taking. 0.99

00:11:21.000 I have no idea. 0.99

00:11:21.000 And I haven't started drinking. 0.99

00:11:22.000 I haven't done it. 1.00

00:11:23.000 Like I'm just like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:11:24.000 It's not like someone might not die of a fucking overdose around that guy. 1.00

00:11:28.000 Yes! 1.00

00:11:29.000 But this is before Jackass.

00:11:31.000 Right. 0.98

00:11:31.000 They were just crazy. 0.98

00:11:32.000 This is like five, ten years before Jackass. 0.95

00:11:34.000 Yeah, those are wild dudes.

00:11:35.000 And Johnny Oxford's passing pills around, and he's lighting a bong, and we're getting bong hits, and he's putting in videos.

00:11:40.000 He's putting in videos of Bam Margera trying to break a bottle over his head.

00:11:46.000 And he's like, watch this! 0.91

00:11:47.000 And we're laughing our tits off. 0.99

00:11:48.000 This is well before anyone knows what the fuck this is. 0.99

00:11:51.000 And then I look at the other guy. 0.97

00:11:52.000 I forget the other guy's name.

00:11:53.000 But I go, what was that?

00:11:54.000 And he's like, Dilaudid.

00:11:55.000 You never had Dilaudid?

00:11:56.000 I go, what's Dilaudid?

00:11:57.000 And he's like, it's like pharmaceutical heroin.

00:11:59.000 It's awesome.

00:11:59.000 You're going to love it.

00:11:59.000 And I was like, thank God I only took one.

00:12:01.000 Jesus Christ, that's like what they used to give chicks in the Wild West movies. 1.00

00:12:05.000 Yeah.

00:12:05.000 When they had an issue.

00:12:07.000 She's dying.

00:12:07.000 She needs some Dilaudid.

00:12:09.000 They give them Dilaudid.

00:12:10.000 Yeah.

00:12:11.000 So we end up partying all night.

00:12:12.000 We take this toy bus out, fill it up, dress as women, throw ourselves down the stairs. 1.00

00:12:16.000 Dress as women? 1.00

00:12:16.000 Fucking one of the craziest nights of my life. 1.00

00:12:19.000 You just passed over that. 1.00

00:12:19.000 Breaking beer bottles over our heads. 1.00

00:12:21.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:12:21.000 It was the craziest fucking night of my life. 0.99

00:12:24.000 Did anybody get cut? 0.99

00:12:25.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:12:27.000 In the head?

00:12:28.000 No, they were fake breakaway beer bottles.

00:12:30.000 Oh, okay.

00:12:31.000 But we had seen Bam do it, and we thought it was funny, so we were doing it with these fake breakaway bottles.

00:12:36.000 Bam did it with a real bottle? 1.00

00:12:38.000 I think it was Bam and his posse, but it was the CKY posse.

00:12:41.000 They were trying to break a beer bottle over their head.

00:12:44.000 How did that happen that that became like a genre of entertainment? 0.99

00:12:48.000 Like that jackass, watch dudes do fucked up things and get hurt. 0.99

00:12:51.000 What happened? 1.00

00:12:52.000 I have no idea.

00:12:53.000 I don't know, but I've made a living doing it.

00:12:55.000 It started off with like Charlie Chaplin falling down the stairs.

00:12:58.000 I guess ultimately it's like, yeah.

00:13:01.000 Like the Buster Keaton, like physical comedy. 0.99

00:13:03.000 I didn't see Jackass 3, but I laughed my ass off at the fucking trailer. 0.89

00:13:08.000 There's a bunch of movies that I just haven't gotten around to seeing, and that's one of them. 0.97

00:13:11.000 But when that guy walks in the door and the giant hand fucking clobbers him in the face and he goes flying, I'm sorry, that's hilarious. 0.97

00:13:18.000 That is fucking hilarious. 0.99

00:13:19.000 It's great. 1.00

00:13:20.000 It's funnier than... 0.99

00:13:21.000 I'm 39 years old with two kids, and it still makes me laugh at my tits. 1.00

00:13:24.000 It is like an advanced version of that Charlie Chaplin shit, right? 1.00

00:13:28.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:13:28.000 Yeah, that's exactly what it is. 0.99

00:13:29.000 It is, right?

00:13:29.000 And here's the other thing.

00:13:30.000 It's guys.

00:13:31.000 It's buddies.

00:13:32.000 They're all in it together.

00:13:33.000 They're a team. 1.00

00:13:34.000 Ridiculous retard shit. 1.00

00:13:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:13:35.000 Like when Johnny Knoxville put a fucking blindfold on and stood in front of the bull. 1.00

00:13:38.000 He's out of his fucking mind. 1.00

00:13:40.000 This is after he's already a movie star. 1.00

00:13:42.000 Yeah, and he doesn't need to do it. 1.00

00:13:44.000 And he was one-upping them, so they had to do it, and you're just like, this guy's out of his fucking mind! 0.99

00:13:48.000 He was doing movies with The Rock, and yet he would put a blindfold on and stand in front of a fucking real bull. 0.99

00:13:53.000 A real bull! 0.99

00:13:55.000 That was terrifying.

00:13:56.000 And the way he got launched, easily a horn could have gone through him.

00:14:00.000 Oh, I got mauled by a bull and I'll tell you right now.

00:14:03.000 Yeah, I got mauled by a bull and hurt Bert.

00:14:05.000 Really?

00:14:05.000 Yeah, this is before.

00:14:06.000 Were you riding it?

00:14:07.000 No, no, no. 0.89

00:14:08.000 I was a rodeo clown.

00:14:09.000 They just taught me how to put the makeup on.

00:14:11.000 They're like, alright, you ready?

00:14:12.000 I go, hold on, I haven't learned anything.

00:14:14.000 And they're like, oh, stay away from the bull.

00:14:16.000 And I was like, that's it?

00:14:17.000 And then they pull the pin.

00:14:18.000 You hear the ring. 1.00

00:14:19.000 Where the gate opens, and a real fucking bull comes out. 0.99

00:14:22.000 Like a real bull comes, and we just met in my ribcage, and he broke my ribs and broke my foot. 0.99

00:14:28.000 Oh my god.

00:14:29.000 Yeah, and then the producer, Tim Scott, says...

00:14:32.000 You say Tim Scott with a little bit of venom in your voice. 1.00

00:14:34.000 Because fucking I love the guy, but the cocksucker says to me, that was really good. 1.00

00:14:40.000 That's really good footage. 1.00

00:14:41.000 We're going to do it.

00:14:41.000 We need to do it like two more times.

00:14:43.000 What?

00:14:43.000 Hold on.

00:14:44.000 You're out of your fucking mind. 1.00

00:14:45.000 After you got your rib broke and your foot broke. 1.00

00:14:46.000 I have broken ribs and a broken foot and I'm sitting on the ground.

00:14:49.000 Wind knocked out of me just...

00:14:50.000 And he's like, well, it's only like eight seconds of footage.

00:14:54.000 Whoa.

00:14:54.000 And he goes, we need it to be a segment.

00:14:56.000 And the segment's three and a half minutes.

00:14:58.000 And we can't make a footage out of eight seconds.

00:15:01.000 I mean, if you watch it online, because I wouldn't do it again.

00:15:04.000 And they just replay it over and over and over.

00:15:07.000 That's pretty uncreative of him, that you couldn't come up with some sort of a way to fill that time where you would talk over it and describe when you realized what a terrible idea it was.

00:15:16.000 Yeah, that's what we ended up doing.

00:15:17.000 I can't believe that he was so irresponsible that he didn't ask you to do it again.

00:15:19.000 That's Tim Scott for you.

00:15:22.000 Why were you willing to do it in the first place?

00:15:23.000 I love Tim.

00:15:24.000 He's still a friend of mine.

00:15:25.000 I don't know Tim.

00:15:27.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:15:27.000 But he sounds like a douchebag. 0.99

00:15:29.000 No, he's in the Philippines right now. 0.98

00:15:31.000 He's not listening to any of this.

00:15:32.000 Good.

00:15:33.000 I mean, I'm sure he's a nice guy, but to ask you to do that after you broke your rib and your foot is crazy.

00:15:38.000 It was also like a...

00:15:39.000 I don't know.

00:15:40.000 We've talked about this a couple of times.

00:15:41.000 It was like a new discovery of...

00:15:44.000 There, this is me getting mauled by the bull right here.

00:15:46.000 So that's the bull, right?

00:15:47.000 That's not a baby bull at all.

00:15:49.000 And that's me.

00:15:50.000 Now, if you're on the clock, you're probably looking at like...

00:15:52.000 Right now is four seconds.

00:15:54.000 And...

00:15:55.000 They're cutting this up to make it look longer, but this is exactly how quick it took.

00:15:58.000 Just the bull comes and they go, alright, this is the...

00:16:01.000 Oh, dude!

00:16:03.000 And then right now I'm trying to run, but my foot's broken, so I can't stand on it.

00:16:07.000 Oh my god, dude, you got hit by a truck. 1.00

00:16:10.000 Yeah, I got hit by a fucking truck. 1.00

00:16:12.000 Back that just a little bit, just to the impact, Brian. 1.00

00:16:14.000 Let it play for a second, it'll start...

00:16:16.000 Oh, it replays itself?

00:16:19.000 I mean, it'll replay it, yeah.

00:16:21.000 No, back up a little bit more, Brian, so we can see the impact.

00:16:26.000 This is the first shot of the day.

00:16:28.000 We haven't shot anything right now.

00:16:30.000 All we've done is we've shot me put on makeup.

00:16:32.000 How much does that thing weigh?

00:16:33.000 It's got to be 800 pounds.

00:16:35.000 That's it?

00:16:35.000 I don't know.

00:16:36.000 I don't know.

00:16:37.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:16:37.000 I don't think that's 800 pounds, dude.

00:16:39.000 I think that's a lot bigger than that.

00:16:40.000 Oh my God, that thing nailed you.

00:16:42.000 It hits me square.

00:16:43.000 I've never been hit that solid by anything.

00:16:46.000 Of course not.

00:16:47.000 I said in the clip, I got hit in the mouth of a baseball bat.

00:16:49.000 I've been hit by cars.

00:16:50.000 I've been hit in a car accident.

00:16:52.000 But man, when that bull...

00:16:54.000 It's whole head connected with my whole...

00:16:56.000 And we met where my mic was.

00:16:58.000 Right now, this is after. 0.98

00:17:00.000 This is me going, I'm not fucking doing it again. 0.98

00:17:02.000 Look how pretty faced you were. 0.98

00:17:03.000 Look how skinny I was.

00:17:04.000 Oh my god, dude. 0.89

00:17:05.000 You got nailed.

00:17:06.000 Oh my god, look at that impact.

00:17:08.000 I know. 1.00

00:17:09.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:17:09.000 And you're lucky the thing didn't stomp on your head. 1.00

00:17:11.000 Wait, watch.

00:17:12.000 You can see where it breaks my foot.

00:17:14.000 It doesn't look like those...

00:17:17.000 Look, watch.

00:17:17.000 Right here you go.

00:17:19.000 Down my leg and step on my foot.

00:17:21.000 That's the hoofprint.

00:17:25.000 You sound different.

00:17:31.000 I do, don't I? Yeah.

00:17:33.000 You got more cushioning in your face.

00:17:38.000 It's filtered from your beard.

00:17:39.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:17:41.000 Dude, you got jacked.

00:17:45.000 Jesus Christ.

00:17:48.000 How many times have these guys been hit?

00:17:49.000 These are professional rodeo girls. 1.00

00:17:51.000 Oh, this guy's fucking... 1.00

00:17:51.000 We got dressed together and he was cut like all stitches, broken bones. 1.00

00:18:01.000 Yes.

00:18:07.000 connection with jackass and that i did a show very similar to it for six episodes we did six episodes but i met johnny knoxville after the rolling stone stuff the rolling stone stuff was crazy when that came out it was like being famous cut back to how i pissed on my girlfriend's table yes so thank you so that was like unwinding that was like untangling a necklace that I don't know how you did that.

00:18:29.000 So we go out in Orlando.

00:18:31.000 This is right after Thanksgiving when everyone's home.

00:18:33.000 So everyone I know from Orlando is at every bar all on Church Street, I think is the name of the street. 0.99

00:18:38.000 So we go out and it's fucking chaos.

00:18:40.000 with my girlfriend, her sister, and her sister's boyfriend, who was the coolest fucking guy, and he always had weed, so we go out, and everyone's buying me shots, we're getting fucking hammered, her parents had just bought a house, just bought this brand new house, just like, and it was their dream house, we had Thanksgiving together, we held hands, talked about how at the table, how this is everything, we've worked for guys as a team, we saved, we scrimped, anyway, we go back to her house, and I'm like, I'm not fucking done. 0.97

00:19:08.000 Like, I want to keep drinking. 0.89

00:19:09.000 And this guy Danny's like, oh yeah, me too.

00:19:10.000 So we get like a 12-pack of beer and we go out to the dock.

00:19:13.000 And that's all I remember.

00:19:14.000 Danny then, the next morning, recounts everything to me.

00:19:18.000 Because she walks in the first thing in the morning.

00:19:20.000 She's like, did you piss on my dining room table? 1.00

00:19:22.000 And I'm like, no. 1.00

00:19:22.000 Why would I fucking do that? 1.00

00:19:23.000 I'm a grown man. 1.00

00:19:24.000 I don't piss on tables.

00:19:25.000 She's like, my dad said he caught you pissing on our table. 0.99

00:19:27.000 I'm like, your dad is crazy. 0.89

00:19:28.000 He doesn't like me because I'm the party animal. 0.98

00:19:29.000 And he's trying to get me out of your life. 0.99

00:19:30.000 That's what's fucking going on. 1.00

00:19:31.000 And you can get out of the fucking room if you're going to blame me on shit. 1.00

00:19:33.000 Did you actually say... 1.00

00:19:34.000 I'm the party animal.

00:19:35.000 I'm sure.

00:19:36.000 I'm sure.

00:19:38.000 I'm the party animal. 1.00

00:19:40.000 Do you know who the fuck you're talking to right now? 1.00

00:19:42.000 He wants me out of your life. 1.00

00:19:43.000 I'm the number one party animal in the country.

00:19:45.000 But something to the...

00:19:46.000 Yeah, I'm sure I actually use those words.

00:19:48.000 So anyway...

00:19:51.000 You probably had a t-shirt of it explaining it.

00:19:53.000 Did you ever think about getting I'm the party animal tattooed anywhere in your body?

00:19:56.000 I was thinking about getting a squirrel with a beer can and a cigarette that said the party squirrel on it one time.

00:20:00.000 The party squirrel. 0.99

00:20:03.000 Who's going to fucking question that tattoo? 0.99

00:20:05.000 So wait, tell me what you're tattooing about. 1.00

00:20:06.000 It's about a fucking party squirrel. 1.00

00:20:08.000 If I was a cop and I pulled you over and you had a party squirrel tattoo on it, I'd immediately take you to jail. 1.00

00:20:12.000 I'm like, I know this guy did something fucked up in the last couple months. 0.98

00:20:16.000 We just got to get it out of him. 0.96

00:20:18.000 We're just going to sit down and go, you know what you did, just tell me.

00:20:20.000 You know what you did?

00:20:21.000 Just tell me and we'll all get out of here early.

00:20:23.000 We'll get you a nice quick sentence.

00:20:25.000 Just tell me what happened.

00:20:27.000 I don't even know what you're talking about.

00:20:29.000 Okay.

00:20:30.000 Alright, party squirrel. 1.00

00:20:31.000 Get back in your fucking cage. 1.00

00:20:33.000 She goes out to the breakfast table where her family is. 1.00

00:20:36.000 Oh my god. 0.93

00:20:37.000 How much piss are we talking about here?

00:20:39.000 In my head, it didn't happen. 0.71

00:20:40.000 In your head, it didn't happen.

00:20:41.000 You completely blacked out. 0.99

00:20:43.000 I swear to you, all my children right now, I laid in that bed, rolled over, and I went, how fucking bizarre is that? 0.97

00:20:47.000 Wait a minute, then. 0.99

00:20:48.000 How do you know your homie didn't fucking sell you down the river? 1.00

00:20:50.000 Maybe he pissed on the table and then said that you did it. 0.99

00:20:52.000 That's why he woke you up in the morning, he knew you blacked out, and then he blamed you for pissing on the table. 1.00

00:20:56.000 That's what's going through my head right now, is I roll back over, and I go, fuck this. 1.00

00:20:59.000 Or maybe you peed out of your butt. 1.00

00:21:01.000 Maybe. 1.00

00:21:02.000 Maybe. 0.99

00:21:02.000 That would be called shitting. 0.99

00:21:03.000 But yeah, maybe. 0.99

00:21:04.000 No, that would be called a Brian train wreck.

00:21:06.000 What?

00:21:08.000 Are you smoking a regular cigarette over there?

00:21:10.000 No, it's got weed in it.

00:21:12.000 So Danny, the boyfriend, comes in and his eyes are so excited.

00:21:20.000 He goes, I heard you pissed on their table. 0.87

00:21:23.000 And I'm like, no. 0.99

00:21:24.000 Why is everyone fucking saying that? 0.99

00:21:25.000 And he's like, because her dad walked in on you pissing on the table. 1.00

00:21:28.000 And I said, he's fucking lying. 0.99

00:21:29.000 He goes, man, he is pretty set in that he saw you pissing on their dining room table. 1.00

00:21:35.000 And I go, Danny, I don't remember fucking anything. 0.98

00:21:37.000 He goes, well, we got these beers. 0.97

00:21:39.000 We went out to their dock.

00:21:40.000 Do you remember that?

00:21:41.000 And I go, yes.

00:21:41.000 And he's like, and I had a joint.

00:21:43.000 And I go, okay, I remember that.

00:21:44.000 And he's like, and then you ate the joint.

00:21:45.000 And I was like, I don't remember that.

00:21:46.000 Yeah.

00:21:47.000 And he goes, yeah.

00:21:48.000 I said, hold this.

00:21:49.000 And you ate it and laughed.

00:21:51.000 And then we killed all the beers out there. 1.00

00:21:53.000 And I go, fuck, we did? 1.00

00:21:54.000 And he was like, yeah. 0.99

00:21:55.000 And then you start piecing back little things.

00:21:57.000 I go, did we get stuck in a phone booth last night?

00:22:00.000 And he's like, no.

00:22:01.000 We got locked in their food cabinet, like in their food closet.

00:22:05.000 Like a pantry?

00:22:06.000 In their pantry.

00:22:07.000 Because we were eating in their kitchen.

00:22:08.000 And this I start to remember.

00:22:10.000 I go, yeah!

00:22:11.000 So they had like a weird door?

00:22:12.000 The girlfriends come out.

00:22:13.000 It was a sliding door. 0.99

00:22:14.000 So we were eating and the girlfriends came out, the sisters, and they go, you're fucking making a ton of noise. 0.99

00:22:19.000 So me and Danny went into the pantry and shut the door. 0.95

00:22:21.000 But then we couldn't figure out how to open it because there wasn't a hand.

00:22:24.000 So you guys were hammered?

00:22:25.000 Inside a pantry.

00:22:26.000 And they shoved you in the pantry to quiet you down?

00:22:29.000 We shoved ourselves into the pantry so that we could continue eating.

00:22:32.000 We're like, we're going to bed.

00:22:32.000 They left.

00:22:33.000 We went to the pantry, shut the door.

00:22:34.000 And then I remember sitting in the pantry.

00:22:36.000 I do remember this distinctly.

00:22:37.000 It's us being in the pantry, thinking we were in a phone booth, laughing how hard they had all this food in this phone booth. 0.98

00:22:43.000 And we're like, can you believe this phone booth has fucking Doritos in it? 0.96

00:22:46.000 So then, that's all I remember. 0.98

00:22:48.000 So then, he says to me... 0.99

00:22:52.000 He goes, damn man, he's really adamant. 1.00

00:22:54.000 So he leaves. 1.00

00:22:55.000 I lay back down and I'm like, I can't believe I'm being framed for this shit. 0.99

00:22:58.000 All of a sudden, I start... 0.99

00:23:01.000 Do you ever have one of those where you remember the dream you had last night?

00:23:04.000 And I distinctly remember seeing her dad in his underwear in my dream.

00:23:07.000 What?

00:23:08.000 I'm like, wait, I did have a dream about her dad in his underwear.

00:23:11.000 That's odd.

00:23:11.000 Whoa.

00:23:12.000 And then I was like, but he was in here yelling at me.

00:23:14.000 It's not a dream. 1.00

00:23:15.000 He had sex with an old man. 0.98

00:23:16.000 No. 1.00

00:23:17.000 What happened was, and then I start going, oh shit, this totally did happen. 0.99

00:23:22.000 I woke up in the middle of the night, walked out to their dining room table erect, and tried to go to the bathroom. 0.99

00:23:29.000 You know how you kind of try to lean it down?

00:23:31.000 So I must have been making a ton of noise at their dining room table, pissed on their dining room table, full-blown pissed on their dining room table.

00:23:38.000 You remember this now?

00:23:39.000 Now I'm remembering. 0.99

00:23:40.000 I'm like, oh shit, I fucking do remember this. 0.99

00:23:42.000 You remember being erect? 0.99

00:23:44.000 I just remember trying to pee.

00:23:47.000 You know how when you have one of those nights where you're in the bathroom and you're like, I can't get it.

00:23:50.000 You've got to lean forward.

00:23:51.000 So I'm leaning forward over the dining room table trying to piss, making a ton of noise, knocking everything off of it.

00:23:56.000 He comes out in his tighty-whities.

00:23:58.000 I remember that because she came back in and I go, does your dad wear tighty-whities?

00:24:01.000 And she goes, he does.

00:24:01.000 Why?

00:24:02.000 And I went, never mind.

00:24:03.000 You can't dream tighty-whities.

00:24:06.000 How old were you at the time?

00:24:07.000 I dream about tighty-whities.

00:24:09.000 20s.

00:24:10.000 Let's say 26, 25. So here's the worst part.

00:24:14.000 He yells at me and he goes, where the fuck, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

00:24:18.000 And I said, I'm going to bed. 1.00

00:24:20.000 And he said, where's your bed?

00:24:22.000 And I pointed to the dining room table.

00:24:24.000 I go, right here!

00:24:25.000 And he goes, what?

00:24:26.000 So I David Blaine the tablecloth.

00:24:28.000 Pull it.

00:24:28.000 Lay on the bed.

00:24:30.000 On top of their table.

00:24:32.000 After you pissed at it? 0.97

00:24:33.000 In my own piss! 0.98

00:24:34.000 In my own piss! 0.99

00:24:35.000 In a Superman cape full of piss! 0.99

00:24:37.000 Just curtain myself up to the neck. 1.00

00:24:39.000 Go back to sleep.

00:24:41.000 And he gets me up and walks me into my bed and puts me back in my bed.

00:24:44.000 And I'm like...

00:24:45.000 What a nice guy.

00:24:46.000 Wait. 0.99

00:24:47.000 So our relationship was fucking doomed. 0.99

00:24:50.000 Like there was no... 0.99

00:24:51.000 I get up that...

00:24:52.000 He's a nice guy though.

00:24:52.000 He's a really nice...

00:24:53.000 Larry Maddock is a saint.

00:24:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:24:55.000 Because if that happened to one of my daughters in my house, I would have beat the fucking kid's ass. 1.00

00:25:00.000 Would you really, man? 1.00

00:25:02.000 No.

00:25:02.000 Do it like that again, though.

00:25:03.000 I would beat the fucking kid's ass. 1.00

00:25:05.000 I like that. 1.00

00:25:05.000 I like the passion in your voice. 1.00

00:25:07.000 Have you ever considered acting?

00:25:09.000 Maybe.

00:25:09.000 I pee all the time when I'm really wasted.

00:25:12.000 If I black out drunk at night, I'll wake up and think, oh, I have to pee right now.

00:25:16.000 And I always put on a shirt the next morning.

00:25:18.000 I'm like, oh, why does this smell like urine?

00:25:19.000 Oh, I did it again.

00:25:21.000 I do it all the time when I drink a lot.

00:25:24.000 So when you drink a lot, you'll piss the bed?

00:25:25.000 I think I get confused and I wake up and I just pee on my...

00:25:29.000 I pee in suitcases a lot.

00:25:31.000 What?

00:25:32.000 I've heard of really drunk people peeing in suitcases.

00:25:35.000 That's actually fairly common.

00:25:37.000 Yeah, it happens maybe twice a year, but it still happens enough where I'm just like...

00:25:41.000 Did Eddie ever do something like that?

00:25:42.000 No, Eddie never did something like that.

00:25:44.000 That sounds like something right up Eddie Bravo's.

00:25:46.000 Yeah, he probably peed on a falcon.

00:25:47.000 Eddie used to have these blackouts that were so bad, I had to write a story about it. 1.00

00:25:51.000 I wrote a blog entry called Drunk Eddie.

00:25:53.000 I think I read that.

00:25:54.000 Was that about when you guys were in Rome and he missed his flight?

00:25:57.000 Germany.

00:25:57.000 Germany?

00:25:58.000 Yeah, well, he didn't miss his flight.

00:25:59.000 He took my car to the airport.

00:26:02.000 He was so hammered, and he woke up in the backseat of the car, didn't know anything.

00:26:06.000 I go downstairs.

00:26:07.000 I'm like, there's a car supposed to be to take me to the airport for Rogan?

00:26:10.000 And they go, Rogan already left.

00:26:12.000 And I go, what?

00:26:12.000 He goes, yeah, long hair, tattoos.

00:26:14.000 I go, motherfucker! 1.00

00:26:16.000 So I call Eddie. 1.00

00:26:17.000 That's not Joe Rogan!

00:26:18.000 The airport's like an hour and a half away.

00:26:19.000 He's only five minutes away from it by the time I call him.

00:26:22.000 The car is already there.

00:26:23.000 And I'm like, what happened, man?

00:26:24.000 What are you doing?

00:26:25.000 He said, I don't know.

00:26:26.000 I woke up in the back of this car.

00:26:27.000 To be fair, he was wearing Joe's clothes, though.

00:26:32.000 He was wearing an outfit that resembled me.

00:26:36.000 Really?

00:26:37.000 No.

00:26:37.000 It was just a party time.

00:26:41.000 I just got hammered.

00:26:42.000 Some dudes, man, they just can actually forget what happened.

00:26:46.000 Oh yeah, I've definitely blacked out.

00:26:48.000 I don't drink like that anymore.

00:26:49.000 I have not had an episode like that in a really long time.

00:26:53.000 Like in years, like 20, 10 years.

00:26:54.000 You know what I stopped doing just the last few days, like four days?

00:26:57.000 I stopped drinking caffeine.

00:26:59.000 Oh, I wish I could do that.

00:27:00.000 I cut it all out.

00:27:01.000 Dude, I've never done that ever.

00:27:02.000 Like consciously cut it out.

00:27:04.000 But I'm like, I love coffee.

00:27:05.000 I like the smell of it.

00:27:06.000 I like the ritual of it.

00:27:08.000 I make French press coffee, so I grind the beans.

00:27:11.000 You have good coffee.

00:27:12.000 Nice water.

00:27:13.000 I use clean, filtered water, and I get these Kona coffee beans from Hawaii.

00:27:19.000 It's delicious.

00:27:20.000 It tastes good. 0.98

00:27:21.000 But you get these spikes, and then the crash is the really fucked up thing. 0.86

00:27:27.000 And the last couple of days, I've had no caffeine, like the last five, six days, and there's no crash. 0.71

00:27:32.000 It's weird.

00:27:33.000 Do you crave anything else?

00:27:35.000 Do you find yourself eating tons of chocolate?

00:27:37.000 No, but I want to drink the coffee.

00:27:39.000 And it's not that I need it.

00:27:41.000 It's that it's a ritual.

00:27:43.000 It's etched in my mind.

00:27:44.000 Like, you know, oh, I'm at Barnes& Noble buying a magazine.

00:27:47.000 Let me just get a cup of coffee. 1.00

00:27:48.000 I thought you were going to say, I've got to take a shit. 1.00

00:27:50.000 If I go to Barnes& Noble, I've got to take a shit. 1.00

00:27:52.000 Barnes& Noble has some of the worst shits ever. 1.00

00:27:53.000 You walk into that bathroom. 1.00

00:27:55.000 If you have to pee, God bless you.

00:27:56.000 God bless you in your nostrils. 1.00

00:27:58.000 You smell some coffee shits. 1.00

00:28:00.000 A bunch of people just eating those fucking cookies and drinking coffee. 1.00

00:28:06.000 Here's my problem with coffee. 1.00

00:28:07.000 Here's why I want to cut it out.

00:28:08.000 Because I have my first cup and I feel really good.

00:28:11.000 Then I go, let's have another cup. 0.98

00:28:14.000 So I have my other cup and then I'm like, man, I'm fucking tweaking. 0.85

00:28:17.000 I need to write. 0.99

00:28:17.000 I need to get some shit done. 0.99

00:28:18.000 Let's fold laundry. 0.99

00:28:20.000 And then I have my third cup and now my eyes are twitching.

00:28:23.000 And I'm like, I don't feel so good.

00:28:24.000 I want to take a Xanax and go to bed.

00:28:27.000 And I'm like, why can't I just find a happy middle ground?

00:28:30.000 Yeah, it's good if you want to get something done.

00:28:32.000 Like, it's good.

00:28:33.000 I debated back and forth whether or not to have one right before the podcast because, like, it's always good to be charged up while you do the podcast.

00:28:40.000 But I was like, no, let's see what happens because I've been doing this for the past, like I said, I guess it's probably been about five or six days now.

00:28:45.000 And very little alcohol.

00:28:46.000 The only alcohol I've been limiting myself to, like, one drink.

00:28:49.000 Really?

00:28:49.000 One glass of wine, maybe two at the most, but that's it.

00:28:52.000 I read this thing recently about drinking, about, like, going out and getting fucked up and how bad it is on your muscles. 0.87

00:28:58.000 Take these off when you do this. 0.96

00:28:59.000 Yeah.

00:29:01.000 Your body's ability to recover, and then it takes you three weeks to get back to 100%.

00:29:07.000 Three weeks.

00:29:08.000 Man, you give me 24 hours not back. 0.99

00:29:09.000 Shit that it does, like when you get severely dehydrated from really getting hammered and really hungover, there's also an effect on cerebrospinal fluid that takes two weeks to recover from. 0.99

00:29:19.000 So there's like all these different things, different processes that happen when your body gets severely dehydrated and severely fucked up from alcohol. 0.99

00:29:28.000 And there's like...

00:29:28.000 This rebuilding process.

00:29:30.000 It's like, you know, it takes a long time. 0.98

00:29:31.000 And if you're fucking hitting it hard all the time, you're really never giving yourself a chance to recover. 0.95

00:29:36.000 That's why, you know, people look prematurely aged. 0.99

00:29:39.000 You know, and I started feeling recently that, like, I've never taken time away from coffee.

00:29:47.000 I've never taken time away from alcohol.

00:29:49.000 You know, I've always done whatever I wanted to do.

00:29:51.000 If I want to have a couple of beers, I'll have a couple of beers.

00:29:52.000 If I want to drink wine, I'll drink wine.

00:29:53.000 I never thought about it.

00:29:54.000 I never, like, tried to limit myself.

00:29:56.000 So there's a psychological pull.

00:29:58.000 There's a problem.

00:29:58.000 It's like you start thinking about it, and psychologically, you can see how people can get addicted to things.

00:30:03.000 Because psychologically, when you resist something, I went on a diet once for a little while.

00:30:08.000 I tried the Atkins diet, just for a goof, just to see what it was like. 0.99

00:30:11.000 That was a great fucking diet. 1.00

00:30:13.000 Yeah, it's good, except if you cut something out of your life, like pasta, dude, that is the shit you're going to crave in such a rabid way, man. 1.00

00:30:22.000 I never want cookies, but when I was on Atkins, I wanted cookies all the fucking time. 0.99

00:30:25.000 Exactly. 0.94

00:30:25.000 It's easy to eat clean if you decide to eat clean, but if you've got some crazy law, like if you have some rules, and now you know you're following those, you're not just eating clean. 0.94

00:30:33.000 You know you're following those specific rules.

00:30:36.000 All the things that aren't on there are the things you start craving.

00:30:38.000 The second I quit drinking, I go, that's when all the beer commercials look awesome.

00:30:42.000 Yeah.

00:30:43.000 I'm like, man, I can't ever quit for good.

00:30:47.000 That's why I need to reel it in every now and then and go, alright, I need to be in control of everything. 0.99

00:30:51.000 So I don't want to be a fucking alcoholic. 0.98

00:30:52.000 I don't want to be some lush who you see on stage and all he does is slur his words and lays down on the stage. 0.99

00:30:58.000 Yeah, an alcohol commercial, a beer commercial, that's all you really need.

00:31:01.000 It's just that little push.

00:31:03.000 It's like, what it is, is you're already thinking about getting drunk.

00:31:07.000 That alcohol commercial, like people say, that targets children, and it looks like, what a great party.

00:31:11.000 Yeah, sort of.

00:31:13.000 But you know who it really targets?

00:31:14.000 It really targets guys who aren't partying.

00:31:16.000 That's who it really targets.

00:31:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:31:17.000 They're thinking about, yeah, have that beer.

00:31:19.000 Maybe if I broke up with a wife now, I'm only 50. I got another shot in me, man.

00:31:24.000 I've seen some fucking old guys with some young girls uglier than me, man. 1.00

00:31:28.000 I was thinking that today. 1.00

00:31:30.000 You start thinking things like that.

00:31:32.000 But it's such a natural feeling.

00:31:34.000 It's normal.

00:31:35.000 It's a normal part of being a monkey.

00:31:36.000 So my dad is going through like that. 1.00

00:31:39.000 My dad's ready to get some young pussy? 1.00

00:31:40.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:31:41.000 Bring him around the podcast.

00:31:42.000 Let's see what's up.

00:31:43.000 If there's a girl out there and there's half a million people on this podcast. 0.62

00:31:47.000 There's a girl out there that's into a 65 year old. 1.00

00:31:49.000 You never know.

00:31:50.000 Some girls like that. 1.00

00:31:51.000 I know a girl that likes that. 1.00

00:31:52.000 I'll get her on. 1.00

00:31:53.000 Smell of urine and dead sperm. 0.98

00:31:56.000 Is that what I was trying to say?

00:31:57.000 He had a blood infection and almost died a week ago, two weeks ago. 1.00

00:32:04.000 So now you've got that charity pussy coming your way. 1.00

00:32:06.000 I see what you're doing here. 1.00

00:32:09.000 Sympathy pussy. 1.00

00:32:09.000 Here it comes. 1.00

00:32:10.000 That getting old shit is really in his fucking head about, fuck, it's almost over. 1.00

00:32:14.000 And then it got into my head and I was like, wow, man, I'm 39. This party's... 1.00

00:32:18.000 You're healthy, dude.

00:32:20.000 You enjoy the moment.

00:32:21.000 That's the most important thing.

00:32:22.000 But take care of your vehicle. 0.99

00:32:24.000 The real problem with fucking alcohol is alcohol kills your vehicle. 1.00

00:32:27.000 The marijuana. 1.00

00:32:29.000 Don't put alcohol in your car.

00:32:31.000 The best thing for your world.

00:32:32.000 The body is a vehicle, Brian Redband.

00:32:34.000 The body.

00:32:35.000 The human body.

00:32:36.000 The body. 1.00

00:32:36.000 The problem is alcohol is fun as fuck. 1.00

00:32:38.000 You know, there's very few things that are as fun as just a good night out when you're drunk with a bunch of fun friends and you're all laughing and cracking up. 1.00

00:32:49.000 At the end of the night, you go eat somewhere stupid. 1.00

00:32:51.000 Eat some greasy meat concoction with cheese and gravy and you take your fat, stupid ass to bed. 1.00

00:32:57.000 You know, those nights are fun, man. 1.00

00:32:59.000 Those are some brilliant nights. 1.00

00:33:01.000 But goddamn those Sunday mornings suck a bag. 1.00

00:33:04.000 Don't they? 1.00

00:33:04.000 They suck, dude. 1.00

00:33:06.000 That feeling of hungover as you're headed to the airport and you can't drink enough water. 0.99

00:33:10.000 Especially the Vegas ones.

00:33:11.000 I think the Vegas ones are the worst.

00:33:13.000 Yeah, because also you get outside of those casinos and there's no longer oxygen pumping everywhere.

00:33:18.000 Is that a myth?

00:33:19.000 No, they actually do that and there's no clocks in any casinos. 1.00

00:33:22.000 That's true, but don't you ever watch your stupid fuck? 1.00

00:33:24.000 No, because my watch is my iPhone and they scramble all the iPhones so none of the phones work so you have no phone shit. 1.00

00:33:30.000 Do you believe that? 0.99

00:33:31.000 Do you believe they scramble the phone? 1.00

00:33:32.000 Fuck yeah, I do. 1.00

00:33:33.000 Really? 1.00

00:33:34.000 I don't believe that they scramble it 100%, but I believe that as soon as I walk in there, I'll go from three bars to no service, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

00:33:43.000 Almost like they're making your phones cut off.

00:33:45.000 Yeah.

00:33:46.000 So that you can just say to your wife, what?

00:33:47.000 Honey, honey, I'm by the tables.

00:33:49.000 I'll call you in and out. 1.00

00:33:50.000 You motherfucker! 1.00

00:33:50.000 No, it's a good thing for that. 1.00

00:33:52.000 I can't have a lot of money away!

00:33:54.000 And they set those places up like you get lost in them.

00:33:56.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

00:33:56.000 Like all the carpet's fucking confusing. 0.98

00:33:58.000 Yeah, and there's a maze. 0.98

00:33:59.000 You realize you're going through all those machines.

00:34:01.000 They're not set up in some sort of orderly way that's easy to see from space. 0.99

00:34:05.000 No, there's a goddamn maze. 0.98

00:34:06.000 It's like the maze of The Shining. 0.99

00:34:08.000 That's exactly what it's like.

00:34:10.000 Get you in there and hopefully suck everything out of you. 1.00

00:34:13.000 Suck the money out of you, either through your balls, there's hookers in those mazes, or suck the money out through the machines. 1.00

00:34:19.000 We had a hooker one time in Vegas. 1.00

00:34:21.000 Not had a hooker, but we had a hooker proposition, me and my buddy Eddie, and she was one of the hottest chicks I've ever seen in my life. 1.00

00:34:29.000 And my buddy Eddie was like, how much?

00:34:30.000 And she was like, $1,300. 0.99

00:34:32.000 I can't.

00:34:34.000 Why can't you?

00:34:34.000 Because I'm trying to drive home tonight.

00:34:37.000 This is good for driving.

00:34:38.000 Yeah.

00:34:40.000 It's just a cigarette.

00:34:41.000 Yeah, until I go, wow, my feet feel like they're glued into the...

00:34:44.000 This is space weed.

00:34:44.000 This is good for driving.

00:34:45.000 This makes you think you're not even driving anymore.

00:34:48.000 Man, driving here on the, whatchamacallit, I always felt like I was in a video game.

00:34:52.000 It's called a highway, son.

00:34:53.000 Who's the stoned one? 0.99

00:34:54.000 Huh?

00:34:55.000 Yeah, what is that?

00:34:56.000 You know, driving in on that whatchamacallit.

00:34:58.000 I was old enough in that thing that I always get onto.

00:35:00.000 That newfangled hard surface the earth is using.

00:35:03.000 It's the thing I put the alcohol in all the time.

00:35:05.000 All those new monkeys.

00:35:05.000 My vehicle.

00:35:06.000 The new monkeys that are transporting themselves in a much more rapid way.

00:35:09.000 They have this hard surface.

00:35:11.000 What is it called?

00:35:12.000 Whatever, whatever.

00:35:13.000 Anyway.

00:35:14.000 Point being.

00:35:15.000 Point. 0.98

00:35:15.000 Marijuana fucks my driving up. 0.98

00:35:17.000 I could never. 0.98

00:35:18.000 I could never drive high.

00:35:20.000 Really?

00:35:20.000 How can you drive high?

00:35:21.000 Well, I don't drive that high.

00:35:22.000 I'll be here for a few hours.

00:35:24.000 I'm pretty sober by the time I actually leave, but I do jujitsu high.

00:35:27.000 I do a lot of things high.

00:35:28.000 I do comedy high.

00:35:28.000 Do sugar stop your buzz?

00:35:30.000 But also, you know, I have to realize I have a high tolerance.

00:35:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:34.000 When you're smoking, like, my last year of college, I was smoking a lot of weed.

00:35:38.000 And I could smoke all night long and be fine.

00:35:41.000 But now, if I took, like, a hit, I'd definitely feel it.

00:35:45.000 Especially, I think weed was different back then, too.

00:35:47.000 Weed's good for you.

00:35:48.000 Bert Kreischer, let me tell you something.

00:35:50.000 Don't listen to me.

00:35:51.000 Don't follow my advice, because it's faulty.

00:35:54.000 You know, it's a lot of trial and error, and I've made quite a few errors.

00:35:57.000 I'm not saying I'm right about everything, but I'm right about this.

00:36:02.000 Weed, my friend...

00:36:03.000 Look, I'm not right about everything, but I'm definitely right about this.

00:36:05.000 Weed, my friend, is good for you. 0.98

00:36:06.000 And what you are afraid of with weed is what we all need.

00:36:10.000 We all need a little humility.

00:36:12.000 We all need to be terrified by the matrix.

00:36:15.000 We all need a view of the great beyond.

00:36:17.000 And what weed gives you is a terrifying feeling of your mortality.

00:36:22.000 It gives you a feeling of insecurity, a feeling of what you call paranoia, because what it is is you've dropped all the blinders all around you, and you realize... 0.88

00:36:30.000 How ridiculous this proposition is. 0.93

00:36:32.000 Period. 0.99

00:36:32.000 There is no way around the fact that it's ridiculous. 0.99

00:36:34.000 We are, in fact, just one part of a universe. 0.93

00:36:38.000 It's above our head.

00:36:39.000 There's no actual ending to any of it.

00:36:42.000 And we're a part of it.

00:36:44.000 And we're floating in it.

00:36:45.000 And we're only here for a little bit.

00:36:47.000 And we don't know what we're doing.

00:36:48.000 And everybody knows as much as you do.

00:36:51.000 And you don't know anything.

00:36:52.000 I mean, there's people who know more facts.

00:36:53.000 They know more about the laws of physics.

00:36:54.000 They know more about...

00:36:55.000 But the purpose of it all, or where it ends, or what it's for, or what...

00:36:58.000 Is there a meaning to this?

00:36:59.000 Is this just a device to move entropy forward?

00:37:02.000 Is this just a device for innovation?

00:37:04.000 What are the humans?

00:37:05.000 What is this life?

00:37:06.000 No one knows. 1.00

00:37:07.000 Not a fucking one! 1.00

00:37:09.000 No one! 1.00

00:37:10.000 That's why you need marijuana.

00:37:13.000 It's out. 1.00

00:37:14.000 Shit. 1.00

00:37:15.000 Here. 1.00

00:37:15.000 Because marijuana lets you know, man. 1.00

00:37:16.000 I gotta light it.

00:37:17.000 That's what a beer commercial is.

00:37:19.000 Let's you know, dude.

00:37:20.000 That's why we need marijuana commercials. 1.00

00:37:22.000 It's not bad for you.

00:37:23.000 It's just bad for pharmaceutical companies.

00:37:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:26.000 Those fuckheads. 1.00

00:37:27.000 I mean, this is supposed to be America, land of the free, home of the brave. 1.00

00:37:30.000 You're locking people up for a plant that makes you silly. 0.99

00:37:32.000 There's nothing fucking free or brave about that. 1.00

00:37:34.000 That's bitch moves, right? 1.00

00:37:36.000 That's a bitch move. 1.00

00:37:38.000 That's the only person who would lock you up for weed. 1.00

00:37:41.000 You know?

00:37:41.000 I mean, if you had to create your own society, if it was Burt World, and you had, you know, there's 100 people, and you claimed that you were the king of Burt World, and you got to establish all the laws, could you imagine if you said no pot?

00:37:52.000 You'd be like, fuck you, Burt! 1.00

00:37:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:54.000 I'd allow pot. 1.00

00:37:55.000 Yeah.

00:37:56.000 100 people.

00:37:57.000 I'd make everyone shave their heads.

00:37:58.000 I think we all need to live like they live in Afghanistan, man. 1.00

00:38:00.000 Just warlords.

00:38:02.000 Warlords residing over small pieces of land.

00:38:04.000 Do you think you'd be a warlord?

00:38:05.000 I don't know.

00:38:06.000 I'd work for one, maybe.

00:38:07.000 That's better.

00:38:08.000 You don't want to be the guy in front.

00:38:10.000 You don't want to be the figurehead.

00:38:11.000 You don't want to be Bush.

00:38:12.000 You'd rather be Dick Cheney.

00:38:14.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:38:15.000 So you'd find a warlord in your community?

00:38:17.000 What I would do is I would teach the warlord jiu-jitsu or something.

00:38:21.000 I'd hang out with the warlord.

00:38:22.000 You'd be a blacksmith.

00:38:24.000 You know, I always wanted to learn how to make one of those samurai swords where they fold the blade over and over again.

00:38:29.000 I would take a trade.

00:38:30.000 That's what I would do.

00:38:31.000 Really?

00:38:31.000 What I'm saying is that I think we really would be better off.

00:38:34.000 If you want to have any government at all, it should be very local.

00:38:37.000 Just a small group.

00:38:39.000 And then the only time the federal comes in is when the group starts arguing.

00:38:41.000 And then the federal comes and goes, dudes, relax.

00:38:44.000 We're all here temporarily.

00:38:45.000 Keep it together.

00:38:46.000 Hundreds of people.

00:38:47.000 Not millions. 0.97

00:38:48.000 That's ridiculous. 0.97

00:38:48.000 I wonder what I'd do in a warlord. 0.97

00:38:50.000 Brian, where do you think you'd fit in in a warlord society?

00:38:52.000 You would dominate per Christ. 0.83

00:38:53.000 What are you talking about?

00:38:54.000 You would be the life of the party.

00:38:55.000 I'd be the life of the party.

00:38:56.000 I'd be the guy by the fire.

00:38:57.000 Lighting the fire first.

00:38:58.000 Putting it out at the end of the night. 0.99

00:39:00.000 I don't know why I'm all of a sudden in a fucking village with a fire. 0.99

00:39:03.000 I'm sure we still have houses. 0.98

00:39:04.000 Because that makes for an awesome story.

00:39:06.000 Yeah.

00:39:06.000 That's why Conan the Barbarian was always cool.

00:39:09.000 I would make saddles.

00:39:10.000 When I was 13 years old is when I became addicted to Conan the Barbarian books.

00:39:14.000 The Robert E. Howard books.

00:39:16.000 Really?

00:39:16.000 You ever read them?

00:39:16.000 No.

00:39:17.000 I didn't even know there were books.

00:39:18.000 Oh, brilliant, brilliant books.

00:39:19.000 We've talked about them a few times.

00:39:20.000 Conan wasn't a man of much words.

00:39:22.000 Did they just write a lot of narrative?

00:39:25.000 Oh, that's not necessarily true.

00:39:26.000 In the books, he talked.

00:39:28.000 Really? 0.97

00:39:28.000 But the adventures were so fucking deep. 0.97

00:39:30.000 It was all about this guy named Robert E. Howard.

00:39:33.000 And what's that guy's name that's on...

00:39:36.000 He was in Full Metal Jacket.

00:39:39.000 He played Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.

00:39:41.000 Wait, Vincent D'Onofrio?

00:39:43.000 Vincent D'Onofrio.

00:39:44.000 Thank you very much.

00:39:45.000 Vincent D'Onofrio played this guy, Robert E. Howard, in a movie about his life.

00:39:49.000 Because Robert E. Howard was this really eccentric character who wrote all these fantastic novels of fantasy, but lived with his mother in his 30s and shot himself, killed himself.

00:40:01.000 But he was responsible for Conan the Barbarian and Kroll the Conqueror and all these different fantasy books this dude wrote. 0.90

00:40:07.000 They were fucking awesome, dude!

00:40:09.000 When you're 13, it's a 13-year-old boy's version of Twilight, is what it's like. 1.00

00:40:13.000 They're just these fantastic fucking stories of sorcerers and fucking sword fights and demons, and it's just awesome shit. 1.00

00:40:25.000 Man, that's... 1.00

00:40:25.000 And you read that? 1.00

00:40:26.000 I never read shit at 13. Oh, dude. 0.99

00:40:27.000 Those were the books, man.

00:40:28.000 I read that was then.

00:40:29.000 This is now at 13. You ever watch that?

00:40:31.000 That was my shit. 1.00

00:40:31.000 Swan Lake or the little mouse that rode the motorcycle? 1.00

00:40:35.000 No.

00:40:35.000 Ralph.

00:40:36.000 You never got into comic books or anything?

00:40:37.000 No, I never read a comic book in my life.

00:40:39.000 Really?

00:40:39.000 What about you, Brian?

00:40:40.000 You got into college.

00:40:40.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:40:41.000 I actually just read The Walking Dead.

00:40:43.000 Oh my god!

00:40:45.000 And then I started watching it.

00:40:46.000 I just watched the first episode. 0.98

00:40:49.000 It's so fucking good. 0.95

00:40:49.000 It follows the comic almost exactly. 0.95

00:40:51.000 The timeline's a little switched around, but it's so amazing how well they did it.

00:40:56.000 It's so good.

00:40:58.000 That's the only show I'm watching these days.

00:40:59.000 The only fiction show I'm watching.

00:41:01.000 Really?

00:41:01.000 Yeah, Walking Dead.

00:41:02.000 I tried to get into everything.

00:41:03.000 I gave up.

00:41:03.000 Well, I still like Breaking Bad.

00:41:05.000 Next time I go to get, when I'm getting my tattoo finished, I'm going to go back and watch the rest of Breaking Bad.

00:41:09.000 I thought you were going to get a Breaking Bad tattoo.

00:41:11.000 Yeah, man, I'm going to get a meth pipe on my shoulder blade. 1.00

00:41:14.000 Let everybody know I'm down to fucking party! 0.99

00:41:17.000 I saw some new dude, some new white rap dude on TV last night. 0.99

00:41:23.000 Last night I was up late at night watching the Pac-Man fight.

00:41:26.000 I had it on DVR. I hadn't watched it yet.

00:41:29.000 Versus Blinky? 0.97

00:41:30.000 No.

00:41:32.000 That was a really good one, bro.

00:41:37.000 See, that's the reason he keeps putting these bombs out there.

00:41:40.000 Because every now and then he hits one out of the park.

00:41:43.000 Juan Manuel Marquez.

00:41:44.000 Anyway, they had this awesome fight, and I still hadn't watched it, so I was up watching it, and what the hell were we talking about?

00:41:53.000 What was the point?

00:41:54.000 I don't know.

00:41:54.000 Pac-Man?

00:41:55.000 No, it was before Pac-Man.

00:41:57.000 What was the point?

00:41:57.000 Breaking Bad tattoo.

00:41:58.000 You're getting your tattoo.

00:41:59.000 It's the only shows you watch. 1.00

00:42:00.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:42:01.000 I completely forgot what I was talking about. 0.99

00:42:03.000 Can someone tweet us real quick and tell us what we're talking about?

00:42:07.000 We smoke too much pot, folks.

00:42:08.000 It helps and it hurts.

00:42:10.000 It's there and yet it's not.

00:42:12.000 It's ethereal.

00:42:13.000 I apologize.

00:42:13.000 It's probably my fault.

00:42:15.000 How's it your fault? 1.00

00:42:16.000 You definitely threw us off the fucking... 0.99

00:42:18.000 You did, but it was worth doing. 0.99

00:42:19.000 You can blame me.

00:42:20.000 It was worth doing. 0.99

00:42:21.000 You were the one on the fucking Nina, the Pint and the Santa Maria going, look, that's a whale! 0.99

00:42:24.000 And Columbus was like, huh? 0.99

00:42:26.000 It was something I was watching on TV. That's what I was talking about.

00:42:29.000 Oh, this new white rapper.

00:42:30.000 Thank you.

00:42:32.000 Some guy has got a song.

00:42:34.000 I don't know who he is.

00:42:35.000 I don't know, but he was with that Birdman guy.

00:42:38.000 Manny? 0.90

00:42:39.000 Do you know who the Birdman guy is?

00:42:40.000 Fresh!

00:42:42.000 Manny Fresh from the Hot Boys. 0.83

00:42:44.000 Yes.

00:42:46.000 Apparently that guy is the number one guy in the car game.

00:42:50.000 Interesting.

00:42:51.000 You know what that means?

00:42:52.000 He always has the freshest cars. 0.99

00:42:54.000 Yeah, his cars are ridiculous. 0.61

00:42:55.000 I've seen articles about him in Dub Magazine. 0.94

00:42:58.000 You should.

00:42:58.000 He stole all the money from Juvie.

00:42:59.000 He gets, like, a million dollars worth of cars every year, plus, every year, just new cars, constantly.

00:43:04.000 Really?

00:43:04.000 Hooks them up, makes them, like, super stereos, badass rims, customizes, custom colors.

00:43:09.000 Like a white wrapper.

00:43:11.000 Like a white wrapper that you were talking about.

00:43:13.000 Well, no, the white... 0.88

00:43:14.000 That's the story that you were...

00:43:14.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:43:15.000 This guy's in the video with him.

00:43:16.000 Right. 0.99

00:43:16.000 No, so he's in the video, and there's this new guy, and he's like, who in the club doesn't give a fuck? 0.99

00:43:22.000 That's essentially the song. 0.99

00:43:24.000 And the guy's got all these crazy tattoos all over his body, and I'm looking at this Birdman guy, and he has this star tattooed on his head.

00:43:32.000 He's got something tattooed on his face, he's got tear drops tattooed, and he's got a star tattooed on the top of his head.

00:43:38.000 Brian, can you pull up an image of him?

00:43:39.000 Yeah, the recent images you want, because I'm sure he gets tattooed a lot.

00:43:44.000 He's just a...

00:43:46.000 And I'm watching this.

00:43:48.000 Take off parental controls and do resit.

00:43:51.000 Searchlikebryan.com, by the way.

00:43:52.000 What am I searching for?

00:43:53.000 You're searching for Birdman tattoos, top of head.

00:43:58.000 Look for that.

00:44:00.000 And I'm watching this.

00:44:01.000 I'm like, wow, this is some crazy music.

00:44:03.000 I'm like, I wonder what my grandfather would think if my grandfather, who came here from Italy, You know, in the 1930s I think he came.

00:44:11.000 Maybe it was the 1920s.

00:44:12.000 Came to America from Italy. 0.99

00:44:14.000 I wonder, you know, he was like into Sinatra and shit. 0.99

00:44:17.000 He'd go over to his house. 0.98

00:44:17.000 They'd be playing opera music. 0.98

00:44:19.000 I wonder what, how alien that would be for him.

00:44:23.000 If he could be my age, if he could be in his 40s sitting in front of the TV watching.

00:44:26.000 I bet he'd laugh absolutely hysterically.

00:44:28.000 I bet he'd think it was a joke.

00:44:30.000 I bet he'd go, I bet he'd look at it and go, like really go get a gut laugh and go, I can't believe this is hilarious.

00:44:36.000 I wish.

00:44:38.000 I don't think you would have taken it that well.

00:44:40.000 I don't think you would have taken it that well. 0.55

00:44:42.000 Birdman tattoo had butthole? 1.00

00:44:44.000 No, don't put butthole in there, fucker. 1.00

00:44:46.000 Hey, Brian. 1.00

00:44:47.000 Brian, Olive Garden.

00:44:49.000 There, I already said it.

00:44:50.000 Now you can't say it. 1.00

00:44:51.000 Go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:44:51.000 Oh, that's his star tattoo? 1.00

00:44:52.000 How about that, huh?

00:44:53.000 Is this what you're getting?

00:44:54.000 Are you kidding me?

00:44:55.000 Yeah, he's got a bunch.

00:44:56.000 Sometimes too far east is west.

00:44:57.000 Isn't that nuts? 0.90

00:44:58.000 Homeboy's crazy. 0.99

00:45:00.000 That's wild, man. 0.99

00:45:01.000 He's got stars tattooed all over his head.

00:45:03.000 I don't understand what the...

00:45:04.000 Look at it, he's got writing on his head.

00:45:06.000 Man, him and Lil Wayne.

00:45:07.000 Get some more face tattoos.

00:45:10.000 We've got a face tattoo.

00:45:12.000 Because I think he's got something big on his cheek, too.

00:45:14.000 Man, I was Googling Wayne's tattoos.

00:45:18.000 Because Wayne's tattoos are crazy, too.

00:45:20.000 Lil Wayne.

00:45:20.000 Oh, yeah.

00:45:21.000 Those guys are wild.

00:45:21.000 And then I got into the UFC guy with the swastika tattooed on his stomach.

00:45:25.000 You know who I'm talking about?

00:45:26.000 No.

00:45:27.000 Who got a swastika? 0.79

00:45:27.000 No. 0.79

00:45:28.000 Back up one.

00:45:29.000 Brian, back up.

00:45:30.000 Oh, my God.

00:45:33.000 No, no, no, not him.

00:45:35.000 There was one...

00:45:36.000 Birdman is above you.

00:45:38.000 It's above you.

00:45:39.000 Right there.

00:45:40.000 See that?

00:45:41.000 Click that. 0.98

00:45:41.000 Birdman is the lighter-skinned black ball. 0.98

00:45:45.000 Oh, you've got fucked. 1.00

00:45:46.000 This is probably not what you're looking for, but here's a virus, bitch. 1.00

00:45:48.000 I have a Mac. 0.99

00:45:49.000 Oh, wait, you have a Mac.

00:45:50.000 The viruses don't work.

00:45:52.000 Amazing how many PC people want to still stick with PCs after that. 1.00

00:45:57.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:45:58.000 Dude, trust me, man. 1.00

00:45:59.000 The moment the numbers of Mac users, the moment they get up to a certain amount where it's worthy of their time, then they'll start writing viruses.

00:46:07.000 If it's worthy of their time.

00:46:08.000 I don't understand. 0.98

00:46:10.000 But they don't have it now, dummy. 0.65

00:46:11.000 What do you care?

00:46:12.000 You can get them now where there's no viruses.

00:46:14.000 That's better.

00:46:16.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:46:16.000 No, there's another side to his head. 0.71

00:46:18.000 The other side's got a bunch of shit, too. 1.00

00:46:19.000 The other side's got some on his cheek. 1.00

00:46:21.000 Right there.

00:46:21.000 That one right there.

00:46:22.000 Boom. 1.00

00:46:22.000 That's fucking shit. 1.00

00:46:23.000 I'd love to be his nurse if he was in a coma and just read him. 1.00

00:46:28.000 Read them?

00:46:29.000 Yeah, like just look at his body while he's out.

00:46:31.000 Oh, yeah, so you don't have to worry about him getting angry.

00:46:33.000 And just read everything about his body.

00:46:35.000 And have one of his friends to explain, oh, CMH is the neighborhood in New Orleans we grew up in.

00:46:41.000 Cash money hoes. 1.00

00:46:42.000 Cash money hoes. 1.00

00:46:45.000 It's a weird way of living, man.

00:46:47.000 I mean, they're making a living, a sensational one, out of just living big.

00:46:55.000 I mean, that's what they're offering. 0.99

00:46:56.000 They're talking about how big they're living, showing you how they don't give a fuck, getting tattoos on their head, driving around Bentleys. 1.00

00:47:01.000 What, bitch? 1.00

00:47:02.000 Literally. 1.00

00:47:03.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:47:04.000 Stop me.

00:47:04.000 Stop me from winning.

00:47:05.000 I dare you. 1.00

00:47:06.000 Look at his fucking face! 1.00

00:47:08.000 That's before the stars on the head. 1.00

00:47:10.000 Yeah.

00:47:11.000 That's the one, man.

00:47:12.000 He's got something on his face.

00:47:14.000 He's crying.

00:47:14.000 That means he's killed three rainbows.

00:47:16.000 Yeah, but there's something on his cheek that you're not catching in that picture.

00:47:20.000 There's something written on his cheek.

00:47:21.000 It's hard to see in that picture.

00:47:23.000 But in the video, you kind of see it.

00:47:25.000 He's essentially got writing all over his face.

00:47:27.000 He really does have writing all over his face.

00:47:29.000 He's a wild dude.

00:47:30.000 I've been wanting to get a tattoo lately.

00:47:32.000 What do you want to get?

00:47:32.000 How about that squirrel with the beer, huh?

00:47:34.000 I would have to get...

00:47:37.000 I would have to get sleeved.

00:47:40.000 What was your first one?

00:47:41.000 You didn't have any on NewsRadio, right?

00:47:42.000 No, I had one that I got.

00:47:44.000 It was like the graphics logo.

00:47:45.000 I remember that.

00:47:46.000 It was very similar.

00:47:48.000 It was like a demon with a jester's hat on. 0.98

00:47:50.000 I was a retard. 0.79

00:47:51.000 I was like 23 or something like that when I got there.

00:47:54.000 You had a jester's hat? 0.98

00:47:55.000 Yeah, I was such a dummy. 0.96

00:47:56.000 And I still have it. 0.81

00:47:57.000 You want to see it?

00:47:58.000 Yeah, I forgot.

00:47:59.000 You still have it.

00:48:00.000 For some reason, I thought you got it covered up.

00:48:04.000 That one I did. 1.00

00:48:05.000 Oh, shut up! 1.00

00:48:06.000 Yeah, I drew it, actually. 1.00

00:48:08.000 Oh, that's right.

00:48:10.000 It's actually a pretty cool tattoo for 1989. I drew that in...

00:48:25.000 Oh, fuck! 1.00

00:48:29.000 I got caught up here. 1.00

00:48:30.000 I drew that in whatever it was when I had it done.

00:48:33.000 I guess it was probably like 1990 or something.

00:48:35.000 I guess it's not a good idea to mix electricity with the new studio.

00:48:40.000 I like this new studio a lot.

00:48:42.000 Everything's under control.

00:48:43.000 We got it handled.

00:48:44.000 What do you do in your next hour?

00:48:46.000 I don't know, man.

00:48:47.000 Hopefully soon.

00:48:49.000 I think I might do it Louis C.K. style.

00:48:51.000 I like the way he's doing it, man.

00:48:53.000 He's just releasing it on the internet.

00:48:54.000 That's really the smart way to do it.

00:48:56.000 I want to figure out if there's a way to do that.

00:48:58.000 How much would you charge?

00:48:59.000 Five bucks?

00:49:00.000 Two bucks?

00:49:00.000 Yeah, five bucks is good.

00:49:01.000 Five bucks.

00:49:02.000 You can stream it live.

00:49:03.000 Or it doesn't matter.

00:49:04.000 It doesn't have to be live.

00:49:06.000 You should be able to just get it whenever you want it.

00:49:08.000 Just make it a podcast, but a paid one on iTunes, like a rental, you know?

00:49:13.000 That's sort of a good idea, but I would have to set it up correctly.

00:49:17.000 Make good cameras and make sure it's directed well.

00:49:21.000 That's kind of a part of a stand-up.

00:49:22.000 When you watch a stand-up special, what's really cool is a special, but what's really underrated is all the people that do it behind the scenes.

00:49:29.000 The guy who directs the UFC is a very good friend of mine, Anthony Giordano, and he's the one who did my special, too.

00:49:35.000 But he's a guy who understands how to make something look cool, how to cut things, how to shoot things.

00:49:40.000 Bring some life to it.

00:49:42.000 Not just, here, record this.

00:49:44.000 But record this and put it into focus in an artistic way that makes it more exciting.

00:49:49.000 Yeah.

00:49:50.000 Hefron and I were talking about doing dates together in February.

00:49:53.000 Oh, really?

00:49:54.000 That's awesome.

00:49:54.000 What are you guys going to do?

00:49:55.000 I don't know.

00:49:56.000 I think Dorfman's brother...

00:49:58.000 I love Hefron.

00:49:59.000 He's a great guy to have on the road with you, too.

00:50:02.000 He's a great guy.

00:50:03.000 And he's put together...

00:50:04.000 What's that?

00:50:05.000 What?

00:50:06.000 Nothing.

00:50:07.000 Microphone.

00:50:08.000 Me?

00:50:09.000 Am I talking into it wrong?

00:50:10.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:50:11.000 It was like you were trying to suck a dick. 1.00

00:50:12.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:50:13.000 So, yeah, we were talking about doing dates in February.

00:50:17.000 You turned it that way.

00:50:17.000 You turned it that way on purpose.

00:50:19.000 Did I? Yeah, you were getting really upset when we were talking earlier.

00:50:22.000 You blacked out, bro.

00:50:24.000 Peed all over the table.

00:50:25.000 You don't remember?

00:50:26.000 You don't remember?

00:50:27.000 No, I don't. 0.70

00:50:27.000 Man, you had a boner. 0.70

00:50:29.000 I had a dream. 0.82

00:50:29.000 It was huge. 0.82

00:50:30.000 It was a huge boner. 0.82

00:50:31.000 Do you guys wear tighty-whities? 0.93

00:50:33.000 No, I don't.

00:50:33.000 I've been going back to the tighter ones lately.

00:50:36.000 I did boxers for like 10 or 15 years, but it was just too dangerous. 0.99

00:50:40.000 You know, boxers entangled with your dick, and you're waking up, and you're like, why is my dick asleep? 0.99

00:50:45.000 And then you realize your boxers are all wrapped up. 0.99

00:50:47.000 I wear the tighty-whighty style, but I wear black underwear because I don't want to see my fart stains.

00:50:52.000 I do a splattered paint look.

00:50:54.000 I don't want to be reminded of it.

00:50:55.000 Look, this is just a part of being a human being. 0.99

00:50:57.000 You've got to pretend that hole that shit comes out of, that occasionally air doesn't leak out of there, and occasionally it stains your underwear. 0.99

00:51:04.000 Are we playing games here? 1.00

00:51:06.000 Are we going adults here?

00:51:07.000 Why are you giving me white underwear? 1.00

00:51:08.000 Is this a fucking test that I can't win? 1.00

00:51:11.000 Is this a test I cannot pass? 1.00

00:51:12.000 Am I supposed to say yes? 1.00

00:51:13.000 Yeah, there's yellow by my dick. 1.00

00:51:15.000 That's because my dick drips piss, okay? 1.00

00:51:17.000 What am I supposed to do? 1.00

00:51:18.000 Get toilet paper out and dab it?

00:51:20.000 No, I'm a man. 1.00

00:51:21.000 I stick it back in my pants, and then we clean the fucking underwear, and in a couple months, I buy new pairs! 1.00

00:51:26.000 Alright? 1.00

00:51:26.000 Black ones! 1.00

00:51:28.000 Black ones. 1.00

00:51:29.000 And I don't need a fucking hole. 1.00

00:51:30.000 Somebody please provide a solid pair of underwear without that dickhole. 1.00

00:51:34.000 That dickhole is useless. 1.00

00:51:36.000 It's just more embarrassing than anything. 1.00

00:51:37.000 You're fucking getting a UPS guy looks of your penises. 1.00

00:51:40.000 The only way you should use that dickhole is if you have ugly, ugly balls. 1.00

00:51:44.000 If you have some pomegranate-looking balls. 1.00

00:51:47.000 If you have some deal-breaker balls. 1.00

00:51:49.000 You're like, listen, baby, I got a pretty dick, but I got some balls that'll scare the fucking paint off your car. 1.00

00:51:55.000 You don't want to scare off the... 1.00

00:51:57.000 Listen, baby, you can see my balls eventually. 1.00

00:51:59.000 But right now, here's my dick. 1.00

00:52:00.000 It's a beautiful dick. 1.00

00:52:02.000 It's a glowing sword of passion and lust. 1.00

00:52:04.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:52:05.000 And then you see the balls, and they just, like, troll eyeball. 1.00

00:52:07.000 My balls are horrible. 0.99

00:52:09.000 And they drip. 1.00

00:52:10.000 They're leaking. 0.99

00:52:11.000 My balls are so bad. 0.99

00:52:12.000 How bad are they? 0.99

00:52:13.000 Bad.

00:52:13.000 What's wrong with them?

00:52:14.000 The ball stops at, say, like, four inches, five, but the scrotum keeps going to, like, seven. 0.94

00:52:22.000 That's because you have a lot of potential for manliness.

00:52:25.000 It's like, say, if you went to a surgeon and they were going to give you artificial breasts, they would make a nice deep pocket for a good set of double D's.

00:52:31.000 You've got to create some space.

00:52:33.000 And that's what it is.

00:52:33.000 You've just got a lot of room.

00:52:35.000 Nice. 0.99

00:52:35.000 That makes me feel a lot better about my balls. 0.99

00:52:37.000 You could have giant balls. 1.00

00:52:39.000 You could be totally running shit. 1.00

00:52:40.000 That would be great if a doctor told you that. 1.00

00:52:42.000 He'd give you a scrotum exam. 0.98

00:52:43.000 He's like, man, you're going to be a great man. 0.98

00:52:45.000 This is what he says to you.

00:52:46.000 He says you have to be the greatest American ever.

00:52:48.000 We measure potential ball size. 0.99

00:52:51.000 What it counts in America is how big are your balls. 0.63

00:52:53.000 That's really what we admire in people. 0.99

00:52:55.000 If you really want to get real, what we admire is how big are your balls. 0.99

00:52:58.000 What are you willing to do? 0.99

00:52:59.000 How crazy are you willing to get?

00:53:00.000 That's why a show like Jackass works.

00:53:02.000 That's why stand-up comedy works.

00:53:04.000 That's why fighting works.

00:53:05.000 That's why anything crazy.

00:53:06.000 How crazy are you willing to get?

00:53:08.000 I was watching this show where they were talking about this guy who died recently who's a professional snowboarder.

00:53:15.000 Apparently, he caused an avalanche.

00:53:17.000 I think I heard about this guy.

00:53:19.000 I believe it was...

00:53:21.000 I mean, it's happened more than one time where these extreme athlete snow guys...

00:53:25.000 They go back country and dropped off in a helicopter.

00:53:28.000 Yeah, man.

00:53:28.000 Like, whoa.

00:53:29.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00

00:53:30.000 That's... 1.00

00:53:31.000 That's as real as it gets for a sport. 0.98

00:53:34.000 I think the only reason I take this, I say to you, have you seen, but the only reason I probably saw it is because of your news feed on Twitter, have you seen the guy in the squirrel outfit jump off the fucking thing and miss the ground by like six fucking feet? 0.98

00:53:47.000 Oh my god, it's incredible. 0.98

00:53:48.000 And he's going 100 miles an hour.

00:53:50.000 Oh, that is one of the most amazing videos I've ever seen.

00:53:53.000 It's insane.

00:53:54.000 What are those called?

00:53:55.000 Squirrel outfits.

00:53:57.000 I think they're called squirrel suits.

00:53:59.000 That's what it looks like.

00:53:59.000 It looks like a flying squirrel.

00:54:00.000 It's incredible.

00:54:01.000 It's one of the baddest things I've ever seen in my life. 0.99

00:54:03.000 You have to be absolutely fucking fearless to do that because one mistake, one miscalculation of the terrain where you don't pull up in time and you slam into the fucking mountain, you're done, son. 0.99

00:54:14.000 At 100 miles an hour, you are flying. 0.99

00:54:16.000 That is a game changer.

00:54:18.000 What a crazy idea. 1.00

00:54:19.000 Who is the motherfucker that tested that out? 1.00

00:54:23.000 When I jumped out of a plane with Rachel Ray, I was fucking hardcore panicked. 1.00

00:54:28.000 Oh, you should be. 0.95

00:54:29.000 But I was like, man, when you're screaming at the earth at 100 miles an hour, there is a fucking surreal moment where you go, alright, this is it. 0.98

00:54:39.000 Oh my god. 0.99

00:54:40.000 If this shoot doesn't open, it doesn't open, and I die with some dude strapped on me like a rape harness. 0.99

00:54:46.000 Ha ha! 1.00

00:54:46.000 Some horrible fucking... 1.00

00:54:48.000 And Rachel Ray goes home and eats pie. 1.00

00:54:51.000 Rachel's a gangster. 1.00

00:54:52.000 Rachel does that shit. 1.00

00:54:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:54:53.000 He's got my back. 1.00

00:54:54.000 He's got your back permanently.

00:54:56.000 Yeah.

00:54:56.000 He's stapled to your back.

00:54:57.000 He's literally harnessed into you where you can't get...

00:55:00.000 You couldn't...

00:55:01.000 You can't get rid of the guy.

00:55:02.000 And it's the most uncomfortable position to have a man in. 0.99

00:55:04.000 Sitting on a man's dick on the flight up to get to 13,000 feet so you can jump out. 0.99

00:55:09.000 And you're trying to have your own little moment, but you got some East German with his arms around you holding on to you, like going, let's tighten you up, tighten you up, tighten you up. 0.99

00:55:16.000 Dude, what? 1.00

00:55:16.000 What a crazy fucking activity. 1.00

00:55:20.000 26 people died, and it was like 2006 was the last year we looked at it. 1.00

00:55:24.000 An alarming amount of people die skydiving.

00:55:26.000 An alarming.

00:55:28.000 That morning I woke up, I was at the W in Union Square.

00:55:33.000 Beautiful hotel, and I think, what could go wrong?

00:55:35.000 I'm going to just check the odds and see how many people die skydiving. 0.67

00:55:39.000 And they were like, up to this year, mind you, it's like fucking August, and they're like, 46. And I was like... 0.81

00:55:44.000 40 fucking 6. That's a lot of people. 0.99

00:55:48.000 I'm not comfortable with those odds.

00:55:50.000 And that is in a year?

00:55:51.000 In a year.

00:55:52.000 In a year.

00:55:53.000 And then you see a video.

00:55:54.000 They show you a video and they go...

00:55:56.000 It's an old dude and he goes, you have to know you're entering into an activity that is likely to cause death.

00:56:03.000 You may die today.

00:56:04.000 And you're like, wait, why would I want to do this?

00:56:05.000 It's not that cool.

00:56:07.000 Yeah, it's not that... 0.99

00:56:08.000 Like, I don't want to fucking die. 0.96

00:56:09.000 No. 0.98

00:56:10.000 But then you do it, and you land, and you live, and there is a week where you feel like you have a secret that no one knows. 0.99

00:56:17.000 Like a fucking week where you are the most powerful human being in your head. 0.62

00:56:22.000 You see movies where a guy's running across the top of the thing, and in your head you go, I could do that. 1.00

00:56:27.000 I jumped out of a fucking plane. 0.99

00:56:29.000 Like you feel limitless. 1.00

00:56:31.000 You feel like you've...

00:56:33.000 You've climbed the tallest mountain. 1.00

00:56:35.000 You jumped out of a fucking plane and you lived. 1.00

00:56:37.000 You beat the odds. 1.00

00:56:38.000 You fucking won. 1.00

00:56:39.000 And then you get addicted to that. 1.00

00:56:41.000 I know Rachel and I have been doing some crazy shit. 0.99

00:56:43.000 Just doing some bizarre shit lately. 0.99

00:56:45.000 And in February we're going swimming with sharks. 0.97

00:56:47.000 And I was in the cage. 1.00

00:56:48.000 And she goes, fuck it. 1.00

00:56:49.000 Out of the cage. 1.00

00:56:50.000 So we're going swimming with sharks.

00:56:51.000 Out of the cage.

00:56:52.000 And then we're going to do...

00:56:53.000 Whoa, whoa.

00:56:53.000 What's going on with you and Rachel?

00:56:55.000 Does she make you do a lot of Jager bombs? 0.98

00:56:57.000 And then you're like, hey, let's do these things.

00:56:59.000 Do you ever black out?

00:56:59.000 It's only really nice wine.

00:57:01.000 I have blacked out with Rachel, yeah.

00:57:03.000 Rachel Ray's peeing on you? 1.00

00:57:04.000 No, no, no.

00:57:04.000 Rachel Ray blacked out.

00:57:05.000 I've definitely, we partied in Mexico.

00:57:07.000 You blacked out with her?

00:57:08.000 You blacked out with her before?

00:57:09.000 We partied in Mexico, me and her husband, and we killed, I killed, I will say I, because I don't want anyone to think that she drinks a lot, but I murdered some wine, like nice wine, in her room with her husband, listening to music.

00:57:21.000 Did he comb your hair? 0.82

00:57:22.000 Is this a cuckold story?

00:57:24.000 No, no, no.

00:57:25.000 Very cool people.

00:57:26.000 That's what it is.

00:57:27.000 Very cool.

00:57:28.000 You docked with this gentleman.

00:57:29.000 I understand.

00:57:29.000 If you want to keep the party going, you have to tell no tales.

00:57:33.000 I understand.

00:57:33.000 Listen, I would do the exact same thing.

00:57:36.000 I love Rachel and I love John.

00:57:38.000 Who doesn't love Rachel May? 1.00

00:57:40.000 But if her and her husband makes me some lasagna and we're in a hotel room, I'm not going to fuck the guy. 1.00

00:57:45.000 She looks like she's got a great personality. 1.00

00:57:47.000 She's a lot of fun. 1.00

00:57:48.000 She's a human being.

00:57:49.000 She seems like a fun person to be around.

00:57:51.000 She's a blast. 0.97

00:57:52.000 She doesn't seem negative at all.

00:57:53.000 Not in one part.

00:57:54.000 Yeah, I don't think I hear...

00:57:55.000 She's a rare person, too, that's like a celebrity that you don't hear people criticizing that much. 0.97

00:58:00.000 I don't really hear people talk shit about Rachel Ray. 0.98

00:58:02.000 No one does. 0.99

00:58:03.000 They like her.

00:58:03.000 She's great.

00:58:04.000 She has a loft down in Soho.

00:58:05.000 You go over.

00:58:05.000 She has parties.

00:58:06.000 Really? 1.00

00:58:07.000 They videotape the whole shit for her show. 1.00

00:58:09.000 And then she'll cut the cameras. 1.00

00:58:10.000 And then she'll be like, let's talk shit. 1.00

00:58:12.000 I saw Ricky Gervais the other night. 1.00

00:58:13.000 Just really gossip about comedy.

00:58:16.000 About comedy?

00:58:16.000 Yeah, she loves comedy.

00:58:17.000 She fucking loves comedy. 1.00

00:58:19.000 And I guarantee you, I guarantee you she's on a treadmill or an elliptical right now listening to this. 1.00

00:58:23.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:58:23.000 If you had another life. 1.00

00:58:25.000 Yes.

00:58:25.000 I love these.

00:58:26.000 I love these.

00:58:26.000 If young Bert had gone left instead of right.

00:58:30.000 Yeah.

00:58:30.000 One day, you know, just by some weird stroke of luck, a 30-year-old Bert meets who knows how old she was.

00:58:37.000 You're both single.

00:58:38.000 Yeah.

00:58:39.000 What do you think, man?

00:58:40.000 It's happening.

00:58:41.000 You think?

00:58:42.000 Like, if we're not famous?

00:58:44.000 If you guys had met.

00:58:45.000 No, not that I'm famous, but I'm, like, saying, like, just on parallel universes, I meet her at a bar.

00:58:49.000 Right.

00:58:49.000 That's your dream girl?

00:58:51.000 She's a dream girl?

00:58:52.000 Be careful, your mother's, your wife. 1.00

00:58:54.000 I know, my wife's listening.

00:58:55.000 Your mother.

00:58:55.000 Your mother and your wife.

00:58:56.000 I'll tell you this.

00:58:56.000 And your son.

00:58:57.000 Rachel's the kind of chick that you... 1.00

00:58:59.000 Who?

00:59:00.000 She's got a son? 0.94

00:59:01.000 I got a son?

00:59:02.000 You don't know about him yet.

00:59:06.000 That's right.

00:59:08.000 Oh my god.

00:59:09.000 She's the kind of chick that I will say that any dude that met her in a bar would love it. 1.00

00:59:14.000 In a heartbeat.

00:59:15.000 She's so cool.

00:59:16.000 Does that threaten your wife that you talk about her like this?

00:59:18.000 Yeah.

00:59:19.000 Really? 1.00

00:59:19.000 Damn. 1.00

00:59:20.000 Because there's nothing... 0.99

00:59:21.000 You can't say anything bad about her.

00:59:22.000 And usually I'm pretty honest about everyone and...

00:59:25.000 And I'll find something that I go, oh yeah, but you wouldn't like this about her.

00:59:28.000 But with Rachel, it's like, you love everything about her.

00:59:31.000 She's cool. 0.98

00:59:32.000 She fucking gets it. 0.99

00:59:34.000 Like, you can tell a joke to her, like, we got two bodyguards to go to Mexico. 1.00

00:59:36.000 We each got bodyguards.

00:59:38.000 And then...

00:59:38.000 Whoa, that's so scary.

00:59:40.000 Oh, it was so great.

00:59:41.000 Whoa.

00:59:41.000 And so, and I told her, I said...

00:59:42.000 What is that?

00:59:43.000 Who are the bodyguards, man?

00:59:44.000 Mine was Edgar, and hers was, I think... 0.98

00:59:46.000 Do you ever worry that the bodyguards have sold information because they've seen Bert the Conqueror and they want you to do a bunch of shit around their house? 0.99

00:59:53.000 I doubt it. 1.00

00:59:54.000 Cartels that kidnap your ass? 1.00

00:59:55.000 Mine didn't speak any English. 1.00

00:59:56.000 No?

00:59:57.000 None.

00:59:57.000 But as a joke, I go, oh, let's take our bodyguards down to the beach and make them fight.

01:00:01.000 And she laughed.

01:00:02.000 She was like... 0.99

01:00:03.000 It would be fucking hilarious. 0.98

01:00:03.000 Like as a joke, right? 0.98

01:00:05.000 Right.

01:00:06.000 But you tell it to some people in the industry and they'd be like, come on, man.

01:00:09.000 Let's not be disrespectful.

01:00:10.000 They're working very hard.

01:00:11.000 They tell you the politically right answer.

01:00:13.000 She just laughed and she's like, oh, that'd be funny.

01:00:15.000 Like just a real cool...

01:00:16.000 Wait a minute.

01:00:17.000 You're talking about two trained killers. 0.95

01:00:19.000 Two trained killers. 0.92

01:00:20.000 It's natural to see which one would kill the other one.

01:00:22.000 There's nothing wrong with that.

01:00:23.000 I wanted to take him down to the beach.

01:00:24.000 She's correct in her interests, and so are you.

01:00:26.000 Doesn't mean they should do it. 0.80

01:00:27.000 And then we get to pistol whip the loser. 0.90

01:00:30.000 Whoa. 0.96

01:00:30.000 That's where you want to cross the line, mister. 0.96

01:00:32.000 Not with me.

01:00:33.000 Really?

01:00:33.000 There's no line?

01:00:35.000 Come on, man.

01:00:35.000 We're in Mexico.

01:00:36.000 Shit's going down. 0.99

01:00:37.000 Do you think it's weird that there's a third world country that's connected to us? 0.99

01:00:41.000 I mean, how crazy is that? 0.96

01:00:43.000 We got fucking everything over in Afghanistan right now. 0.99

01:00:48.000 Think about all the soldiers we have over there. 0.98

01:00:50.000 Meanwhile, right next door is a third world country with a drug war going on.

01:00:55.000 It's like having ripped arms and a perfect chest, but then just a gut.

01:01:00.000 Like, no... 1.00

01:01:00.000 Yeah, and a rotten asshole. 1.00

01:01:02.000 And a small dick. 1.00

01:01:03.000 Yeah, a broken small dick. 1.00

01:01:05.000 Small dick that doesn't even work. 1.00

01:01:06.000 Like, we cut it off. 1.00

01:01:07.000 Like, it goes, money, money, money, money, money, money.

01:01:10.000 Stop! 1.00

01:01:11.000 Like, you do not get the money.

01:01:13.000 Well, there is money in Mexico, but, you know, the big, like, Mexico City and stuff like that, I mean, there's really nice sections of Mexico City.

01:01:19.000 We were in San Miguel Allende, and it was very fucking nice.

01:01:22.000 They showed the HBO special, the 24-7 with Pacquiao and Marquez, and they showed, like, Mexico City. 0.91

01:01:27.000 Like, Mexico City's like a real city, you know?

01:01:29.000 It's a high-end city. 0.99

01:01:31.000 It's fucking huge. 0.99

01:01:32.000 I think Mexico City's the biggest city, in fact, in the world. 0.99

01:01:34.000 It's really high up. 1.00

01:01:36.000 The altitude is high as shit. 0.99

01:01:37.000 Mexico City is, really? 1.00

01:01:38.000 I'm guessing.

01:01:39.000 Yeah.

01:01:39.000 You might have just made that up.

01:01:40.000 I know that the air quality there is fucking terrible. 0.96

01:01:43.000 So then it's really hard to breathe. 0.95

01:01:44.000 I think it's a smog issue.

01:01:45.000 It's real bad.

01:01:46.000 There's more people in Mexico City, I think, than any other city in the world.

01:01:49.000 I might be out of line, though.

01:01:51.000 I think it's close, though.

01:01:52.000 Whatever it is, it's top.

01:01:53.000 It's right up there.

01:01:54.000 But it's bigger than any of the American cities. 1.00

01:01:55.000 It's a massive fucking city. 1.00

01:01:57.000 Yeah, and you figure the quality of life there has got to suck, right? 1.00

01:02:03.000 Well, in some areas, yeah.

01:02:05.000 They showed Juan Manuel Marquez's place.

01:02:07.000 He had a Mercedes and a Porsche. 1.00

01:02:11.000 How do you have that right next to all that shit? 1.00

01:02:13.000 You've got to live dangerously, son, because you're flaunting in front of a large population of have-nots. 1.00

01:02:19.000 A large population of have-nots who I'm assuming their have-nots are ten times worse than our have-nots. 0.97

01:02:26.000 Yeah, the difference between a Marquez who's rich in America.

01:02:30.000 Juan Manuel Marquez is a world champion boxer, a famous athlete in his country, loved by millions of people. 0.98

01:02:37.000 One of the toughest boxers on the fucking planet. 0.99

01:02:40.000 In this country, in America, he's rich as fuck. 1.00

01:02:43.000 In America, he's made millions of dollars. 1.00

01:02:46.000 In Mexico, that must be staggering.

01:02:49.000 The difference between him and, you know, in America, him and a minimum wage worker is substantial, but it's almost, you can see it in the distance.

01:02:59.000 Somehow it's possible.

01:03:00.000 Insurmountable.

01:03:00.000 Yeah, insurmountable in Mexico.

01:03:01.000 In Mexico, it's insurmountable.

01:03:02.000 It's insane.

01:03:03.000 It's impossible.

01:03:04.000 How could someone stay in Mexico? 1.00

01:03:06.000 And, you know, what are the percentages of earning the amount of money that this guy's earned?

01:03:10.000 Like, this is insane.

01:03:11.000 And so for him to be flaunting in Mexico, it's like, wow, it seemed to me.

01:03:16.000 I don't know anything about the culture. 1.00

01:03:17.000 I really am talking about my ass. 0.99

01:03:18.000 But, you know what, I bet, I bet. 1.00

01:03:19.000 Seemed extravagant.

01:03:20.000 But I bet, well, we're not...

01:03:24.000 He's a hero. 0.99

01:03:28.000 No one's fucking with him because he is the golden boy to them because he represents them every fucking day. 0.99

01:03:33.000 The guy who came from nothing, who got somewhere. 0.99

01:03:36.000 And I bet that is what keeps him safe. 1.00

01:03:37.000 I bet no one touches him because they go, what are we going to fucking take away our Adam Rodriguez, whatever the fuck guy's name is. 0.99

01:03:44.000 Juan Manuel Marquez. 0.99

01:03:45.000 No, no, I meant like our Derek Jeter.

01:03:47.000 Yeah.

01:03:48.000 Yeah, he is. 1.00

01:03:49.000 He's a badass motherfucker. 0.99

01:03:52.000 And he fights for the pride of Mexico, too, along with it. 1.00

01:03:55.000 And he's a Mexican boxer, man. 1.00

01:03:57.000 Those Mexican boxers are fucking gangsters. 1.00

01:03:59.000 Punch me, beat me, and you will not knock me out. 1.00

01:04:02.000 Yeah, there's been some of the best fighters ever.

01:04:04.000 Julio Cesar Chavez...

01:04:05.000 In his prime is probably one of my all-time favorite boxers to watch because he would just beat dudes down with volume punching.

01:04:12.000 He wouldn't punch even full blast 100%.

01:04:15.000 He wouldn't engage in wild slugfest. 0.99

01:04:18.000 He would just fucking methodically move and throw beatings on dudes and hit them with body shots and break guys. 0.98

01:04:24.000 Just slowly, slowly break guys. 0.99

01:04:26.000 And even guys that were more talented than him.

01:04:29.000 Did you see the Meldrick Taylor fight?

01:04:31.000 Wait, Meldrick Taylor?

01:04:32.000 Meldrick Taylor's the guy who can barely speak now?

01:04:34.000 Dude, yeah.

01:04:35.000 Dude, dude, dude, dude!

01:04:36.000 What a fight that was!

01:04:37.000 What a war that was!

01:04:38.000 Yeah, I did see that.

01:04:40.000 Meldrick Taylor was boxing Julio Cesar Chavez's face off for most of the 12-round fight.

01:04:46.000 And then, towards the end, Chavez connects and starts connecting on him in the final round and nails him with a right hand and drops him.

01:04:54.000 He gets up with like three seconds to go or something crazy like that on the clock.

01:04:58.000 Richard Steele waves it off, and he calls the fight.

01:05:01.000 So Chavez came from this beating by this young, incredibly fast, like technically sound Olympic boxer where he was just getting lit up.

01:05:11.000 And it looked like, wow, he's just too good.

01:05:13.000 He's too good.

01:05:14.000 He's too fast.

01:05:15.000 But Chavez just slowly kept methodically breaking him down, slowly breaking him down to the body, and then eventually overcame him.

01:05:22.000 In the very last seconds of the fight, overcame him and would have for sure stopped him.

01:05:27.000 If Richard Steele made him stand up again, it didn't matter.

01:05:29.000 He would have stopped him.

01:05:30.000 He would have jumped on him again.

01:05:31.000 Eight seconds is not enough.

01:05:33.000 He wouldn't have lasted.

01:05:33.000 He was done.

01:05:34.000 Or whatever it was.

01:05:35.000 It was two or one seconds.

01:05:37.000 It was the right call. 1.00

01:05:38.000 Meldrick Taylor was fucked up. 1.00

01:05:39.000 He was pissing blood. 1.00

01:05:40.000 And he was never the same again.

01:05:42.000 And if you watch videos of him, he stalks with a pronounced, staggering stutter.

01:05:48.000 That is one of the most...

01:05:51.000 Like, obvious examples of a fighter who has a really tough fight, like an all-time epic battle, and then essentially never reaches that performance level again.

01:06:00.000 And you don't know whether or not it's physical, like it took a lot out of their body, which, you know, does play a factor.

01:06:06.000 A real big beating like that, I mean, a real war, that can really, those body shots that Chavez hit him with over and over again, that could really wreck havoc on you.

01:06:15.000 And then you also got to consider his motivation.

01:06:17.000 When a guy gets beat up, sometimes they don't have the zest and the fire that they had when they were undefeated and they thought they were unstoppable.

01:06:24.000 That's me.

01:06:24.000 Yeah, piss-strong dudes, man.

01:06:26.000 They just fucking, you know, young and full of confidence. 1.00

01:06:29.000 They got the world at their feet. 0.99

01:06:31.000 They feel like there's...

01:06:32.000 I've run into so many guys, especially in the UFC, these young guys with this incredible confidence.

01:06:38.000 Incredible confidence.

01:06:39.000 And then you see them have a really tough fight.

01:06:42.000 You'll see them have a really tough fight.

01:06:44.000 And then you'll see them re-engage and sort of look at this a little bit different and go, okay, you know what?

01:06:49.000 Everybody's vulnerable.

01:06:50.000 Okay, let's not get crazy here.

01:06:51.000 Let's not get crazy. 1.00

01:06:51.000 Let's do something stupid. 1.00

01:06:52.000 If we're going to do this, let's do this intelligently. 1.00

01:06:54.000 And the ones that think that way, they have a long life in the sport.

01:06:57.000 And the ones that don't, those are the ones that, you know, they have a few epic contests where they essentially have a really, really difficult time recovering from, whether it's psychologically, whether it's physically.

01:07:08.000 You know, those really, really tough ones, those are the hard ones to come back from. 0.99

01:07:12.000 Getting your ass kicked is more psychological, I think. 0.99

01:07:15.000 It is, but it's important for people, too. 0.99

01:07:16.000 It's a humility thing.

01:07:18.000 You need to know that that's possible to you.

01:07:19.000 You can't always be the hammer.

01:07:21.000 And for a lot of young, fast people, especially, a lot of young athletic people, they're always the hammer.

01:07:25.000 You get used to being the hammer.

01:07:26.000 You're terrified of being the nail. 1.00

01:07:27.000 Once you've taken some shots before and you understand, like, this is a give and receive, bitch. 1.00

01:07:32.000 This isn't just a give. 0.99

01:07:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:34.000 And sometimes you're going to get fucked up, just like the way you like to fuck up other people. 1.00

01:07:37.000 Sometimes you're going to... 0.99

01:07:38.000 As long as we can accept that and understand that, then you can look at this whole thing rationally.

01:07:42.000 And instead of thinking, you know, with this crazy confidence that you're on top...

01:07:45.000 So, guys, games change.

01:07:46.000 And it can change for the better, or it can change for the worse.

01:07:49.000 All dependent on how committed they are to their goals.

01:07:51.000 I thought I was a badass at 15. Like, badass.

01:07:54.000 Why'd you think that?

01:07:55.000 I don't know.

01:07:57.000 Because I hadn't been beaten up.

01:07:58.000 I was terrified at 15. Really?

01:07:59.000 Afraid of everybody.

01:08:00.000 Really?

01:08:00.000 Yeah.

01:08:01.000 Man, and you were taking...

01:08:02.000 That's why I really got into Taekwondo.

01:08:03.000 Yeah, I just thought I was tough.

01:08:05.000 I was big.

01:08:06.000 Like, I was a bigger kid.

01:08:08.000 Like, I was in the top of the level of the height and size, and I just thought I was tough. 0.99

01:08:12.000 And then you get your dick knocked in the dirt a couple times, and you're like, okay. 0.99

01:08:16.000 I got humiliated in what wasn't really a fight. 1.00

01:08:18.000 It wasn't a fight, but it was a bigger kid who just did something to me. 0.80

01:08:21.000 Peed on you?

01:08:22.000 No, he wrestled me to the ground.

01:08:23.000 He, like, hip-tossed me to the ground.

01:08:26.000 We were just playing around.

01:08:27.000 Yeah.

01:08:28.000 You know, like...

01:08:29.000 I don't remember what started off.

01:08:31.000 I wasn't really that friendly with him, but I was like, hey, what's up?

01:08:33.000 You know, it was one of those things.

01:08:34.000 And somehow or another, we were in the locker room, like, leaving.

01:08:39.000 And we said something, and we were joking around, and he pushed me, and I pushed him back.

01:08:44.000 We grabbed each other, and he hip-tossed me on the ground and just laid on top of me for a couple seconds.

01:08:47.000 And I couldn't get up.

01:08:49.000 I didn't know how to get up.

01:08:50.000 And then he let me up and he laughed about it.

01:08:53.000 It wasn't really a fight, but he humiliated me.

01:08:55.000 But it was enough that you weren't cool with it.

01:08:58.000 I wasn't cool with the fact that he could do that. 1.00

01:08:59.000 I was like, shit! 0.99

01:09:01.000 That guy just fucking threw me on the ground and I couldn't do a thing about it. 1.00

01:09:05.000 So then I started wrestling. 0.99

01:09:06.000 That's when I took wrestling.

01:09:07.000 Seriously?

01:09:08.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.95

01:09:08.000 I was like, that was ridiculous. 0.95

01:09:09.000 Because I had an inflated sense of what I could do physically.

01:09:13.000 Because I thought that physically, I'm a really strong guy.

01:09:16.000 I know how to strike. 1.00

01:09:17.000 Like, you know, if anyone wants to get in a fight, I'll fucking kick you in the balls. 1.00

01:09:20.000 You have all these stupid ideas in your head of what you're going to do while you're a badass. 1.00

01:09:23.000 Then some guy just hip tosses you and lays on top of you, and you're like, I can't give this guy off me. 1.00

01:09:27.000 Like, I couldn't get him off me.

01:09:29.000 I just couldn't.

01:09:29.000 I had to give up, and he let me up.

01:09:32.000 But it was like...

01:09:33.000 It was a huge eye-opener.

01:09:35.000 Luckily, he was a nice guy.

01:09:37.000 He didn't beat me up or anything once he had me down.

01:09:39.000 But it was a good eye-opening message.

01:09:41.000 That's so funny because I had practiced none of the real striking.

01:09:46.000 I had practiced the talking before the fight.

01:09:48.000 You were good at that?

01:09:49.000 I would do it in my mirror. 1.00

01:09:52.000 Yes, I'd be like, you want to fuck a piece of this? 1.00

01:09:55.000 I'll fuck you up. 1.00

01:09:56.000 I'll fuck you up three ways from Sunday. 1.00

01:09:58.000 I would practice it and I would shirt off and flex. 1.00

01:10:03.000 I think every kid did that.

01:10:04.000 Every one of our kids, all our guys in, like, there was a gang called the Cavemen.

01:10:10.000 You were in a gang?

01:10:11.000 No, no, no, I wasn't.

01:10:12.000 Well, I was.

01:10:12.000 I was in a gang called EBU. The Cavemen?

01:10:15.000 There was a gang called the Cavemen in Tampa, and the Cavemen were, like, these public school kids, but from the rich public school.

01:10:21.000 And they were just getting fights all the time with Jesuit kids.

01:10:25.000 I went to Jesuit.

01:10:25.000 And I was in a gang, not a gang, but a club called EPU. And EPU and cavemen fought all the time.

01:10:30.000 So from my junior year until my senior year, even my sophomore year, you always had to be aware of the cavemen.

01:10:37.000 And so you'd go to a party and a fight would break out and it would be the cavemen.

01:10:41.000 And so then that's when I was like, that's it, I gotta learn how to fight. 0.99

01:10:45.000 But I never really learned how to fight, I just learned how to talk shit. 1.00

01:10:47.000 Pfft. 1.00

01:10:49.000 What was your opening move, just to be loud and crazy? 1.00

01:10:52.000 Let them know that you're in for some dangerous shit. 1.00

01:10:55.000 I remember the first time I ever punched someone, it was... 1.00

01:10:58.000 The first time I ever punched someone was a black dude. 1.00

01:11:04.000 Then another gang, I think from Robinson, I think it was called... 0.98

01:11:07.000 You were in a gang.

01:11:08.000 No, no, no.

01:11:08.000 I wasn't in a gang.

01:11:09.000 I was just in a club.

01:11:10.000 Okay.

01:11:11.000 I was in an after school club at my school and everyone else had gangs.

01:11:15.000 But then our after school club was the one that got involved with gangs.

01:11:19.000 But it wasn't even gangs.

01:11:21.000 It wasn't even gangs. 1.00

01:11:21.000 It was just fucking high school kids. 1.00

01:11:23.000 It wasn't like real gangs. 0.99

01:11:24.000 So nobody got killed.

01:11:25.000 No.

01:11:25.000 Someone got killed.

01:11:26.000 Just fist fights.

01:11:28.000 Definitely guys got beat up.

01:11:29.000 And then there was one gang from, I think, Robinson.

01:11:31.000 I think they were called TWT. And were you affiliated with anybody?

01:11:35.000 No, no, no.

01:11:36.000 Yeah, well, yeah.

01:11:36.000 I was a part of this EPU group.

01:11:38.000 What is the EPU? E Pluribus Unum.

01:11:40.000 It's on the penny.

01:11:42.000 Ours had some Latin significance to it.

01:11:44.000 Everyone else was like, TWT, together we thump!

01:11:47.000 The cavemen.

01:11:47.000 So you were in a gang?

01:11:49.000 Gang is a very strong word for what we were.

01:11:53.000 We were a group of guys who all went to school together.

01:11:54.000 The guys who played football and baseball and...

01:11:58.000 And wrestled.

01:11:59.000 And we were like the cooler guys at our school.

01:12:02.000 And we were in this group called EPU that was a sanctioned group by the school.

01:12:06.000 You had initiations where you got paddled.

01:12:08.000 And you initiated into it.

01:12:10.000 But it just happens that the one guy, the head of EPU in like 1988, got into a fight with a caveman. 0.99

01:12:16.000 And so all the fucking... 0.99

01:12:18.000 EPU always fought cavemen. 1.00

01:12:19.000 EPU fought whoever went in Robinson or Hillsborough. 1.00

01:12:23.000 And so at a young age, you realized you had to stay away from those fucking people. 0.99

01:12:26.000 So the first punch I ever thought... 0.99

01:12:28.000 So I heard a fight, this is a story I've told on stand-up many a time, but the short, honest version of it is, I was at a party, someone yelled fight, and I thought all of EPU, all my friends were going to come and watch it, and I rolled out, and it's one caveman, right, and the whole TWT, together we thump posse.

01:12:48.000 Like, it's all black dudes and one white caveman. 0.95

01:12:51.000 And I stick my head in, and I actually know this caveman. 1.00

01:12:53.000 I know his reputation, but he's unconscious on the fucking floor. 0.99

01:12:56.000 His name was Mario. 0.99

01:12:57.000 He was fighting this guy Donovan.

01:12:58.000 And I stuck my head in, and the second I stuck my head in, they were like, oh, here's his brother.

01:13:02.000 Get him, too.

01:13:03.000 And they pushed me in, and I was like, well, I'm not his brother.

01:13:04.000 I'm not even his friend.

01:13:05.000 Like, I'm not on anyone's team.

01:13:07.000 I'm on a different team.

01:13:08.000 But they think we're on the same team because we're wearing the away uniforms, you know?

01:13:12.000 So this guy beat the... 0.98

01:13:15.000 Beat the shit out of me standing. 0.97

01:13:17.000 Does that make sense? 0.92

01:13:18.000 Yeah.

01:13:18.000 Like, I didn't fall.

01:13:19.000 He didn't kick me.

01:13:20.000 But I never at any point did it look like I won.

01:13:23.000 And I did a lot of trying to talk my way out of it.

01:13:25.000 While he was hitting you, you were trying to talk to him?

01:13:27.000 I was like, man, I'm not.

01:13:28.000 And he just pounded me.

01:13:29.000 And he was like, oh. 1.00

01:13:31.000 And he was talking shit as he was fighting me. 1.00

01:13:34.000 Just weird shit. 1.00

01:13:35.000 Like, you follow me around the mall, motherfucker? 1.00

01:13:36.000 And I was like, what? 1.00

01:13:37.000 And he's like, follow me around the mall, bitch. 1.00

01:13:39.000 See what happens. 1.00

01:13:40.000 This is what's up.

01:13:41.000 It just popped in me.

01:13:43.000 So the first punch I ever threw was then.

01:13:47.000 And I go to throw a punch, but I'd never thrown a punch before. 0.99

01:13:49.000 I'd only worked on talking shit. 1.00

01:13:51.000 So my shit talking was out the door, so I'm getting my ass kicked. 1.00

01:13:55.000 So I go to throw a punch, but it was more like a... 1.00

01:13:58.000 It was like a...

01:13:59.000 Stop in the name of love!

01:14:06.000 Before you break my heart, think it over.

01:14:10.000 And I literally, my hand landed in this high top fade.

01:14:12.000 It went into his hair.

01:14:13.000 Okay.

01:14:13.000 And I remember thinking to myself, and this is, the joke is very different than this, but the truth is, went into his hair and I held it there because I thought, I never touched a black person's hair before.

01:14:22.000 Ha ha! 0.98

01:14:22.000 And I fucking moved my fingers around a little bit. 0.98

01:14:25.000 He didn't move. 0.99

01:14:26.000 And then all of a sudden, the cops showed up.

01:14:28.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:14:29.000 And the cops showed up and then all the fucking brothers fucking took off. 1.00

01:14:33.000 Except for this guy. 1.00

01:14:34.000 The cops showed up because they knew there was a fight going on.

01:14:36.000 The cops showed up.

01:14:37.000 Two squad cars.

01:14:39.000 Two rednecks. 1.00

01:14:39.000 And the other guy's still out cold. 1.00

01:14:41.000 Out fucking cold. 0.98

01:14:42.000 What'd they do to him? 1.00

01:14:43.000 He was just laying on the ground.

01:14:45.000 You got there, he'd already been knocked out. 0.96

01:14:47.000 That guy, when I stuck my head in, he was unconscious, and this guy Donovan, who is standing over him, beating him, pummeling him, and I fucking stuck my head in. 0.93

01:14:56.000 Thank God I did. 0.96

01:14:56.000 The kid might be dead. 0.96

01:14:57.000 But I stuck my head in, and I was like, oh, I don't want any of that.

01:15:00.000 What he ordered, I'll take something else.

01:15:01.000 That kind of damage when a guy is out, and a guy gets beat up while he's out, kicked his head.

01:15:06.000 Sometimes people never recover. 0.92

01:15:08.000 That dude that got really fucked up in L.A., At Dodger Stadium? 0.93

01:15:13.000 At the Dodger Stadium, yeah. 0.97

01:15:14.000 Yeah, because he was wearing, I guess he was wearing another jersey from another team. 1.00

01:15:17.000 That shit scares the fuck out of me. 1.00

01:15:18.000 Who knows? 1.00

01:15:19.000 I mean, maybe he did other things. 0.99

01:15:20.000 I don't know why they beat his ass, but they definitely shouldn't have done what they did. 0.99

01:15:23.000 What they did was horrific, man. 1.00

01:15:24.000 It was a nightmare.

01:15:25.000 I have no idea how that guy behaved, but, you know, they need, obviously they need more security. 0.99

01:15:30.000 There's no way they should be allowing that many people into a place like that, to a position where that kind of shit can happen. 0.97

01:15:36.000 Oh, Dodger Stadium's sketchy. 0.99

01:15:38.000 They need to tighten that down, man. 1.00

01:15:41.000 You know, when a guy gets beat down like that, like, shit, man. 1.00

01:15:43.000 You need to be able to protect people from thugs. 1.00

01:15:46.000 There should be a fucking guy code. 0.99

01:15:48.000 The numbers are too high. 1.00

01:15:49.000 First of all, those people are... 1.00

01:15:51.000 Anybody who would do that is a sick fuck. 1.00

01:15:53.000 And you know what we're having here, man? 1.00

01:15:55.000 It's a classic example of people not caring about terrible neighborhoods. 0.98

01:15:59.000 Those terrible neighborhoods have more kids come out of them and more kids come out of them that want to do fucked up things. 0.98

01:16:04.000 And that's just the way it goes. 0.98

01:16:06.000 You ignore that part of the country...

01:16:08.000 You know what?

01:16:08.000 That's a very accurate statement because the other day I realized I don't judge a man based on his skin color in the slightest.

01:16:15.000 I judge him based on their age. 0.98

01:16:17.000 Age is the most fucking determining factor. 0.99

01:16:19.000 When we were in Amsterdam... 0.99

01:16:20.000 I meet a lot of smart young dudes, man.

01:16:23.000 There's a lot more today, I think, than I've ever met in the past. 0.99

01:16:26.000 I meet dudes that are like 20 years old that are on the fucking ball. 0.98

01:16:29.000 That does happen, but you know who's throwing punches at bars? 1.00

01:16:33.000 20-year-olds.

01:16:34.000 Yeah, it's always going to be that, man.

01:16:36.000 It's always going to be a certain percentage of them. 0.99

01:16:37.000 Not a lot of 39-year-olds throwing fucking sucker punches. 0.99

01:16:40.000 There are plenty. 1.00

01:16:41.000 There's some losers that never got it together. 0.95

01:16:44.000 Yeah, man. 0.99

01:16:44.000 You underestimate. 0.99

01:16:46.000 There's a lot of go to Vegas. 1.00

01:16:47.000 Hang out in those fucking crap dens. 1.00

01:16:50.000 Watch the degenerate gamblers at the horse track. 1.00

01:16:53.000 There's plenty of 39-year-olds.

01:16:54.000 I guess you can't stereotype anything, yeah.

01:16:56.000 Yeah, they're just tireder.

01:16:58.000 It's less likely.

01:16:59.000 They don't have the gumption.

01:17:01.000 They get winded quicker. 1.00

01:17:02.000 Yeah, they just don't have the gumption to get up and give you a fucking ass kicking. 1.00

01:17:06.000 It depends on what they ate for lunch. 1.00

01:17:08.000 Yeah, they might have had a burrito and they just got no energy and they're just ready to shit their pants. 1.00

01:17:12.000 If a guy talks shit to you, when was the last time a guy talked shit to you? 1.00

01:17:15.000 Oh, I don't know. 1.00

01:17:16.000 I mean, it happens.

01:17:18.000 It hasn't happened in a long time.

01:17:19.000 Most people are really nice to me.

01:17:20.000 I'm very lucky.

01:17:21.000 When people say, what's the downside to people knowing who you are when you go to the UFC or comedy shows?

01:17:27.000 Like a stranger or somebody you paid to do that?

01:17:29.000 A stranger. 1.00

01:17:30.000 What the fuck are you eating, dick? 1.00

01:17:35.000 Thank God you're broadcasting. 1.00

01:17:37.000 I'm meeting DMT. So yeah, you haven't had a confrontation in a while?

01:17:46.000 No, people are generally cool.

01:17:47.000 I'm nice.

01:17:48.000 I think if you come to me with some sort of a predetermined idea of who I am or what you think about something I said once and you're angry at me, Then it's probably not going to be a fun conversation.

01:18:01.000 I've had that happen before, where people misinterpret something I said or take it out of context or disagree with it, you know?

01:18:08.000 And that can happen.

01:18:09.000 But for the most part, most people that meet me are nice.

01:18:12.000 Nice.

01:18:13.000 And even when someone does, I'm like, listen, man, it's just an opinion, you know?

01:18:15.000 I don't have to get... 0.94

01:18:16.000 People get so goddamn attached to their opinions. 0.99

01:18:19.000 If you just stop and go, who the fuck knows? 0.99

01:18:24.000 And stop and go, well, maybe you're right. 1.00

01:18:26.000 That clears up a lot of shit. 0.99

01:18:28.000 It's really simple. 0.99

01:18:30.000 And then a little Google.

01:18:32.000 Add that to the mix and you should be dealing with much less problems.

01:18:35.000 We should have, because of Google, for real, we should probably have I'd say a 75% reduction in arguments between human beings.

01:18:43.000 They should be resolved 75% quicker, just from the access to information. 0.98

01:18:47.000 Because how many goddamn arguments, when we were kids, came out of one guy talking out of his fucking ass, and you knowing it, but you not having an encyclopedia handy? 0.99

01:18:55.000 Oh yeah, and you just would fight that until the day, and you know, that's a cocksucker that thinks that movie went straight to video. 1.00

01:19:00.000 It didn't go straight to video. 0.97

01:19:01.000 They don't even make movies straight to video.

01:19:03.000 That was in the movie theaters for at least two weeks, I know, because my dad told me.

01:19:07.000 Those are frustrating conversations, man.

01:19:09.000 And you never had closure.

01:19:10.000 Kenny Suarez knows that.

01:19:11.000 Kenny Suarez, what did he say? 1.00

01:19:13.000 Fucking the movies go straight to fucking video. 0.99

01:19:15.000 And I was like, that doesn't happen. 1.00

01:19:16.000 It was a fucking nightmare fight when we were kids. 0.98

01:19:19.000 And I still remember it. 0.99

01:19:20.000 We had fights.

01:19:22.000 You'd argue with someone and you'd just get into it with them and you just would never have closure. 1.00

01:19:26.000 And you'd fucking be like, fine, we agree to disagree and I'll just hate your guts secretly behind your back. 0.99

01:19:32.000 Bert Kreischer talking about how he handles relationships. 0.99

01:19:35.000 Everybody has their own approach.

01:19:37.000 What's yours?

01:19:38.000 Call us now at 1-800- What is it?

01:19:42.000 I'm from Chicago right now, and I have a question for Bert Kreischer.

01:19:45.000 Shoot. 1.00

01:19:45.000 Bert, my wife has three nipples, but both of them are on her asshole. 1.00

01:19:53.000 She has three, but both. 1.00

01:19:54.000 Are they like circling her asshole, like crop circles? 0.99

01:19:58.000 No, they're inside, but you can feel them with your finger, and if you come down here, we'll show you. 0.99

01:20:03.000 I need to know what to do, though.

01:20:05.000 You need to bail on this one.

01:20:08.000 No, I like these failed improvs.

01:20:11.000 What's on the actual breast area where the nipple would have been? 1.00

01:20:14.000 Where the areola is?

01:20:15.000 Is there an areola with no nipple?

01:20:17.000 Car keys, mostly. 0.99

01:20:18.000 Have you ever dated a girl who had essentially an areola and no nipple? 0.92

01:20:22.000 Have you ever dated a girl like that? 0.98

01:20:23.000 I've dated girls that areolas have been chopped off and then they've had boobs put in them and then sewn back on. 1.00

01:20:29.000 And then that's like a ghost nipple in some ways, you know? 0.95

01:20:32.000 That's not like a...

01:20:33.000 You know what I mean? 0.96

01:20:34.000 I want to be a ghost nipple. 0.99

01:20:35.000 I want to be a ghost nipple. 0.99

01:20:40.000 What is that? 0.95

01:20:41.000 Is that a real song?

01:20:42.000 No, I just made that up. 1.00

01:20:43.000 I saw your girlfriend's butthole. 1.00

01:20:46.000 Yeah, that was a song that I... We were barbecued one night and we were hanging out with him and he had just started dating this particular lass. 0.99

01:20:53.000 And for some reason, we started singing a song called I Saw Your Girlfriend's Butthole. 0.83

01:20:58.000 Oh, yeah. 0.62

01:20:59.000 Here's photographs of her.

01:21:00.000 Yeah, here's a picture of her right now.

01:21:03.000 That's a distorted picture.

01:21:04.000 See, that's a nice picture.

01:21:06.000 It's from Howard Stern's picture.

01:21:08.000 Pretty girl.

01:21:09.000 Brian, how'd that happen?

01:21:10.000 How'd you ever hook up with a chick like that? 1.00

01:21:12.000 Huh? 1.00

01:21:13.000 Do you have sex totally naked, Brian? 0.99

01:21:18.000 Yeah, well, when he's not wearing girls' clothes. 0.97

01:21:20.000 No, I wear a shirt like the pool.

01:21:21.000 You wear a shirt like the pool?

01:21:23.000 I usually wear a jersey, like a polo.

01:21:25.000 Have you ever had sex with clothes on? 0.99

01:21:28.000 Well, I guess you have like quickie sex with a shirt on. 0.99

01:21:30.000 Like Kevin James, I would think, would have sex with a shirt on. 0.99

01:21:34.000 No, but he seems like a guy that he's always got a hat on. 0.97

01:21:37.000 He's always got something covered, you know?

01:21:38.000 Yeah, Kevin is an interesting guy.

01:21:39.000 Kevin's a really interesting guy. 0.81

01:21:41.000 I went to his house one time a long time ago and got fucking Bellotto in front of him.

01:21:45.000 And I just watched him look at me, like, studying me, like, how does this happen? 0.94

01:21:50.000 You mean Bellotto drunk?

01:21:51.000 Oh, yeah.

01:21:52.000 It was me and Gary Valentine.

01:21:53.000 Gary knows how to put him away.

01:21:54.000 Me and Gary started drinking in Vegas and ended at Kevin's house.

01:21:58.000 Many an evening drinking with Gary back in the day. 0.99

01:22:01.000 God damn. 0.99

01:22:02.000 He'll put him back. 1.00

01:22:03.000 He's a good dude.

01:22:04.000 They're both great guys.

01:22:05.000 I saw Gary Valentin one time at the improv take a shot of a candle.

01:22:09.000 He took a shot of him and put it back in. 0.99

01:22:11.000 He goes, that wasn't a fucking shot. 0.99

01:22:12.000 Alright, let's keep going guys. 1.00

01:22:13.000 Let's keep going.

01:22:14.000 No, he drank it? 1.00

01:22:15.000 He just fucking shot it back in. 0.99

01:22:16.000 A candle hit him in the mouth and he put it back in. 0.99

01:22:18.000 He goes, that wasn't a shot.

01:22:19.000 Let's keep going guys. 1.00

01:22:20.000 Man, Gary Valentine's a fucking party guy. 0.99

01:22:23.000 Wait, did I ever tell you what happened? 1.00

01:22:24.000 Oh, this is my favorite.

01:22:25.000 So wait, maybe I did.

01:22:26.000 Wait, so did I ever tell you what...

01:22:28.000 Do you remember Mike...

01:22:29.000 You know Mike Burton?

01:22:30.000 Mike Burton.

01:22:31.000 Comedian, bald, Jewish. 1.00

01:22:33.000 Probably.

01:22:34.000 Good body, but...

01:22:35.000 What?

01:22:35.000 I don't know why I'm saying that.

01:22:36.000 Good body?

01:22:37.000 Yeah, I don't know. 1.00

01:22:38.000 What the fuck was that? 0.99

01:22:39.000 I don't fucking know. 1.00

01:22:40.000 Stop. 0.99

01:22:40.000 What was that? 0.99

01:22:42.000 Never mind.

01:22:43.000 He just works out.

01:22:43.000 He works out and he teaches Krav Maga.

01:22:46.000 Krav Maga is the Israeli system of martial arts.

01:22:49.000 He teaches Krav Maga right now.

01:22:51.000 So anyway, so one time me, Gary, this guy Scott Henry, and Mike Burton are all drinking at Formosa Cafe.

01:22:58.000 This is like Thursday.

01:22:59.000 We don't have to work.

01:23:00.000 Gary and I are making money.

01:23:01.000 We're doing an act show.

01:23:02.000 And I go, I go, guys, let's go to Vegas. 0.98

01:23:04.000 And everyone's fucking in except for Burton. 0.94

01:23:06.000 He's like, I don't want to go. 0.98

01:23:07.000 Burton was a comic.

01:23:07.000 And he's stopped doing comedy since.

01:23:09.000 He was funny, but he wasn't like that funny.

01:23:11.000 So he goes, I don't want to go.

01:23:13.000 And Gary's like, come on, come on, Burton, let's go.

01:23:15.000 And he's like, I don't want to go.

01:23:15.000 I don't want to go.

01:23:16.000 So Gary goes, fuck it, I'm going to my house, I'm packing my bags, I'll meet you guys at Scott and Burton's house in like 30 minutes. 1.00

01:23:22.000 So we go, me, Burton, and Scott go to Scott and Burton's house, and Burton goes, ah, fuck it, I'll go. 1.00

01:23:27.000 I go, Burton, this is what you do. 0.94

01:23:29.000 Hide in the back of my truck, we're taking my escalator, or my navigator, whatever, in the way back.

01:23:33.000 Hide in the way back.

01:23:35.000 And we won't tell Gary you're going until halfway there.

01:23:37.000 When we get halfway to Vegas, you pop up and go, surprise, I'm coming!

01:23:40.000 So he goes, that's a great idea.

01:23:42.000 That's a great idea. 0.99

01:23:43.000 So we fucking pack the car and we're waiting. 0.97

01:23:45.000 Gary Valentine pulls up and parks his car and he comes up and he's like, what's up? 0.99

01:23:50.000 I said, hop in, we're ready.

01:23:51.000 And he goes, alright, Scott Henry's driving my truck.

01:23:53.000 Gary hops in the back seat and he goes, where's Burton?

01:23:55.000 And we go, well, he couldn't come. 1.00

01:23:57.000 And Gary goes, let me tell you something about my motherfucker. 0.99

01:24:00.000 Let me tell you why he's not a good comic for one. 0.98

01:24:02.000 And all of a sudden I'm looking in the room and I see Burton's head sit up in the way back. 0.90

01:24:05.000 And he goes, because he's not fucking funny and I don't have the heart to tell him. 0.94

01:24:09.000 He shouldn't. 0.99

01:24:09.000 And he starts fucking tearing Burton apart. 0.99

01:24:13.000 And we are in Hollywood. 0.99

01:24:16.000 Until we get on the fucking ten, all of a sudden Burton goes, I go, Gary, can you reach in the back and pass me a beer? 0.98

01:24:21.000 He reaches back and he sees Burton. 0.98

01:24:22.000 He goes, hey Burton, how you doing? 0.99

01:24:23.000 Turns and looks at me and goes, you weren't going to tell me he was in the fucking car? 0.99

01:24:26.000 Oh my god. 0.99

01:24:27.000 Most uncomfortable the whole rest of the ride to Vegas.

01:24:30.000 They just spoke in the backseat, just talked, hashed it out, and no one spoke to each other the rest of the weekend. 0.98

01:24:36.000 Fucking uncomfortable. 0.98

01:24:38.000 Sometimes dudes will blow up and they don't even mean exactly what they're saying. 0.99

01:24:42.000 They're just frustrated with their own lives.

01:24:44.000 Yes.

01:24:45.000 And they find something about someone else, whether it's a minor glitch in their system or whatever, and they just start poking at it.

01:24:52.000 And it's sort of a distraction to turn that same...

01:24:57.000 Objectivity and insight to yourself.

01:24:58.000 Yeah, I've done it. 1.00

01:25:01.000 When I was younger in this business, I would definitely take apart someone I did not know and look at their act and be like, you could get me started on someone and I would destroy that motherfucker and pick apart everything. 1.00

01:25:16.000 For no reason. 0.99

01:25:17.000 All they had to say was, hey man, I'm a big fan of your stuff.

01:25:19.000 I'd be like, I like you too.

01:25:21.000 I'm a big fan of you too.

01:25:22.000 Love you.

01:25:23.000 I've been a big fan for a long time.

01:25:25.000 But there are dudes that are annoying.

01:25:26.000 There's no getting past that.

01:25:27.000 There are guys who get up there and they're annoying.

01:25:29.000 But you've just got to avoid them.

01:25:31.000 I just avoid their acts.

01:25:33.000 That's the best way.

01:25:34.000 Just kind of get out of their way when they're up.

01:25:37.000 But you can do that.

01:25:38.000 When you're young, a lot of times you've got to follow that person.

01:25:41.000 Well, the follow is not the real issue.

01:25:43.000 It's when someone tells you what you can't do.

01:25:45.000 You ever have that when you open for those guys? 1.00

01:25:47.000 Oh, fuck that! 1.00

01:25:49.000 That is... 1.00

01:25:50.000 There's some real negative dudes out there.

01:25:53.000 They'll start to micromanage your act.

01:25:57.000 When you work at B clubs, that happens a lot.

01:25:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:00.000 The headline will tell you, whatever you do, you can't talk about farming.

01:26:04.000 You can have your whole opening bit about farming.

01:26:06.000 How about I have a different bit about farming than you do?

01:26:08.000 Is that okay? 1.00

01:26:09.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00

01:26:10.000 You can't tell me what I can't talk about. 1.00

01:26:12.000 It's one thing if a guy purposely tries to step on your material, and that I'm sure you've had happen as well.

01:26:17.000 I've had that happen a ton.

01:26:18.000 Where you open or you have one day where you'll be the headliner and he'll be the middle act and he'll have a certain set and it'll do well and then you'll have a bunch of bits on certain subjects and all of a sudden the next night he magically has these new bits that you can tell are new bits.

01:26:33.000 They cut off short.

01:26:34.000 They're not expanded on.

01:26:36.000 And they're about the same exact subjects that you talk about.

01:26:38.000 And they're just...

01:26:39.000 Sometimes it's not even...

01:26:41.000 It's a roadblock.

01:26:41.000 It's just stepping on what you're about to talk about.

01:26:44.000 He's trying to make your act less effective on purpose. 0.99

01:26:47.000 Fucking exhausting. 0.99

01:26:48.000 It is. 0.98

01:26:48.000 And it's happened to me so much. 0.98

01:26:49.000 It happens to a lot of comics when they're in like 32. They're not making a ton of money.

01:26:54.000 They're making $1,200 on the road.

01:26:56.000 And they've got some feature act making $700. 1.00

01:26:58.000 Who's like, fuck this guy. 0.99

01:26:59.000 I've never heard of him. 1.00

01:27:00.000 I'm going to make sure that they flip-flop this at the end of the week.

01:27:03.000 And they sell like five DVDs with two t-shirts.

01:27:06.000 And they'll undercut your sales.

01:27:07.000 I'm selling a DVD for $20. 0.99

01:27:09.000 And this guy's like, I'm selling all my shit for $25. 0.99

01:27:11.000 Bam! 0.99

01:27:11.000 It's really unfortunate. 0.99

01:27:13.000 The only way you should go to do shows with someone is if you're friends with someone.

01:27:18.000 I love doing the K-Rock shows because I know all those people that do those.

01:27:24.000 They have that big April Foolishness show on April Fool's Day or April Fool's Day weekend, whatever it is.

01:27:30.000 And it's always at that huge place in Universal.

01:27:34.000 What is that theater in Universal? 1.00

01:27:35.000 It's like 6,000 fucking people. 0.99

01:27:36.000 And it's all a lot of people that I don't normally hang out with. 0.99

01:27:38.000 But everybody's really funny.

01:27:40.000 You kind of know them all from the business.

01:27:42.000 But it's way more fun when you're working and you're working on the road with friends.

01:27:46.000 It's way more fun.

01:27:47.000 For whatever reason, some comics want them to be the only one that is getting the laughs.

01:27:55.000 They can't just have a good set and then you have a good set too.

01:27:58.000 It's a competition.

01:27:59.000 It's one-on-one. 0.99

01:28:00.000 I'm the funniest motherfucker in this club tonight. 0.99

01:28:03.000 I need to be the one that when they exit, they go, you were funnier than that guy. 0.99

01:28:06.000 They need that.

01:28:07.000 And then it becomes what we were talking about earlier before we even started rolling about being addicted to killing.

01:28:12.000 Being addicted to killing is the worst thing that can ever happen to a comic.

01:28:16.000 Because I heard you and Brewer talk about this maybe seven years ago, six years ago.

01:28:22.000 And it was when Dane was blowing up.

01:28:25.000 And you guys were saying that Dane is the perfect guy that's addicted to killing.

01:28:31.000 It's like exactly what we were talking about with your friend.

01:28:35.000 They don't want to stop doing the bit because the bit works.

01:28:38.000 And even though they know it's unethical to continue to do the bit...

01:28:42.000 Because it's really your story that they're repeating.

01:28:45.000 They can't help it because it's so powerful.

01:28:48.000 It's such a weapon to use.

01:28:50.000 If you want these people to love you, you want these people to think you're the funniest guy ever, boom, how about this brilliant impression with this perfect story that is so fucking hilarious?

01:28:58.000 You're going to be holding your stomach laughing.

01:29:00.000 The brilliance of it all.

01:29:02.000 But in reality, he shouldn't be saying it.

01:29:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:29:05.000 You're addicted to killing. 0.99

01:29:07.000 It is... 0.99

01:29:08.000 It's hard, man, because bombing sucks, and a lot of times people think that bombing is the alternative when it's not. 0.94

01:29:15.000 The alternative is just not killing. 0.89

01:29:18.000 And I think a lot of guys who, especially like, I remember Attell never killed.

01:29:26.000 Really?

01:29:26.000 He always killed to comics.

01:29:28.000 We always loved him.

01:29:29.000 But a lot of times, he'd do 50-50 in the room at the cellar. 0.99

01:29:32.000 Because, in all honesty, he was working on new shit all the time. 0.99

01:29:36.000 All the time. 0.99

01:29:37.000 He was always taking a bit.

01:29:38.000 And it was not about the crowd.

01:29:40.000 It was not about them. 0.98

01:29:41.000 He knew if he wanted to, he could murder that crowd in a heartbeat. 1.00

01:29:44.000 For him, it was about the art and finding the right way how to kill someone with a hammer. 0.99

01:29:48.000 What's the funniest way to kill someone with a hammer? 0.97

01:29:51.000 Right. 0.99

01:29:51.000 How do you kill? 0.99

01:29:51.000 And he would, I swear to God, he must have said, kill someone with a hammer 150 times when I lived in New York and tried to work that out. 0.99

01:29:59.000 And you'd watch him. 0.99

01:30:00.000 Louis C.K., it was about him figuring shit out. 0.98

01:30:04.000 I worked with Louis right after Georgia, my oldest, was born. 0.99

01:30:07.000 And Dave, right back to back.

01:30:10.000 And Louis, I'm saying this in all fondness, Louis bombed for a weekend.

01:30:14.000 He had a rough weekend.

01:30:17.000 But he was doing all the material that defined him as a comic today that is the murderous, shameful hour that he did.

01:30:24.000 The shameless or shameful?

01:30:25.000 Shameless?

01:30:26.000 The one that defined...

01:30:27.000 The definitive hour of Louis C.K. where you went, okay, he's my new favorite comic.

01:30:30.000 He was doing all that and he was working on it.

01:30:32.000 For him, it wasn't about killing.

01:30:33.000 It was about... 1.00

01:30:34.000 Getting this concept of being a regular guy, thinking your kids are a dick, wanting to eat whatever the fuck you want, being married to someone who's a little micromanaging, being Louis C.K. He wanted to get that idea out, so he didn't give a shit. 1.00

01:30:50.000 I remember going up and murdering as a feature. 0.98

01:30:52.000 And then Louis would go up and kind of like...

01:30:55.000 Struggle and figure out. 0.99

01:30:57.000 He was figuring shit out. 0.99

01:30:58.000 You could definitely see he was working. 0.99

01:31:00.000 I remember in my head going, I was so fucking impressed that he did not care. 0.98

01:31:05.000 I'm sure he cared about killing. 0.99

01:31:07.000 I'm sure that mattered.

01:31:09.000 But I was so impressed that he had a bigger goal.

01:31:12.000 He wanted to create new material quickly.

01:31:15.000 Yeah, he wanted to make, he wanted to make, he wanted to change his style. 0.94

01:31:20.000 His style was goofy, absurd, you know, kind of, I always, I don't know why, but I think of like top, top ten fucking humor for some reason. 0.91

01:31:28.000 It was like, it was like goofy stuff. 0.96

01:31:30.000 Top ten humor?

01:31:30.000 I don't know why I say that.

01:31:31.000 I don't know.

01:31:32.000 What does that mean?

01:31:32.000 But I always thought of that.

01:31:33.000 I don't know.

01:31:33.000 I don't know how else to say it.

01:31:35.000 Oh, do you mean like one of those, like a pole, like top ten funniest things that happen, like that kind of humor? 1.00

01:31:41.000 No, no, no.

01:31:42.000 It was like, it was top ten.

01:31:43.000 Oh, top ten.

01:31:45.000 Yeah, like it was like a tent.

01:31:46.000 I don't know why I think that.

01:31:47.000 Maybe this hour special had a tent. 0.98

01:31:48.000 His old stuff was really silly. 0.99

01:31:50.000 His old stuff was silly. 0.98

01:31:50.000 It was like goofy. 0.98

01:31:51.000 Yeah, like, he'd go, his joke was like, want to see me order anything old diner style?

01:31:57.000 Diner style?

01:31:58.000 You want to see a diner style?

01:31:58.000 Order something, ma'am.

01:31:59.000 She'd go, two eggs, bacon, and pancakes.

01:32:02.000 He goes, you want something to drink?

01:32:03.000 She's like, orange juice. 0.99

01:32:03.000 He goes, all right, I need two monkeys riding sidecar. 0.99

01:32:06.000 I need two flapjacks.

01:32:07.000 Take them up. 0.99

01:32:08.000 And he'd do this whole fucking hilarious rant. 0.96

01:32:11.000 And then he'd go, I'm going to need two eggs over easy, bacon, and pancakes with some orange juice. 0.97

01:32:15.000 Like, and that was the bit.

01:32:17.000 Wasn't who he is now at all.

01:32:18.000 It was more absurdist.

01:32:20.000 Right. 1.00

01:32:20.000 But man, I remember watching that and going, motherfucker, I wish I had the balls. 1.00

01:32:24.000 Because I was a feature at the time. 1.00

01:32:26.000 I felt like if I didn't kill, I wouldn't work ever again.

01:32:29.000 Yeah, that's the fear.

01:32:30.000 It's the fear.

01:32:31.000 It's the hardest part of coming up with new material or changing gears.

01:32:34.000 God forbid when you get a guy who's like a musical guy and decides to try to put the guitar down. 1.00

01:32:39.000 Oh, shit, man. 0.99

01:32:40.000 I've seen that go horribly wrong. 1.00

01:32:42.000 Mitzi Shore used to yell at them. 0.85

01:32:43.000 She used to yell at them. 0.99

01:32:44.000 There was a series of guys that were guitar comics who had some kind of funny songs, but they resented the fact that they were not considered legitimate comedians by the rest of the comedians.

01:32:53.000 They did something that was a little extra...

01:32:56.000 If you just had to go up there and talk, you would eat dicks up there.

01:32:59.000 It's a little... 0.91

01:32:59.000 I mean, look, here's the thing. 0.91

01:33:01.000 You pull out a guitar, and everyone's like, Oh, it's a guitar!

01:33:05.000 It's entertaining!

01:33:05.000 There's nothing wrong with it.

01:33:07.000 Not saying there's anything wrong with it, but what I'm saying is there was a bunch of guys who got pretty good with a guitar, and then they tried to put the guitar down and just go on their own personality, and they would eat dicks up there.

01:33:18.000 But Mitzi sure used to yell at them. 1.00

01:33:19.000 I'll never forget.

01:33:20.000 This dude was on stage, and he was...

01:33:21.000 He was just choking it up there.

01:33:23.000 He just didn't have it.

01:33:24.000 It was out of rhythm.

01:33:25.000 They don't have a rhythm.

01:33:26.000 They don't know the rhythm.

01:33:27.000 Yeah, he couldn't just introduce the next song.

01:33:30.000 This next song I wrote when I was thinking about I Dream of Jeannie in a bubble bath with my dog.

01:33:35.000 Hey, there's no setup.

01:33:38.000 It's just you doing stand-up.

01:33:40.000 There's no guitar to pull out.

01:33:41.000 There's no pretending you're having a good time.

01:33:44.000 Thank you, thank you, thank you.

01:33:45.000 It's listening, claps.

01:33:46.000 There's none of that.

01:33:47.000 It's just you talking.

01:33:48.000 There's no, like, tuning the guitar when you need a...

01:33:51.000 Oh, let me...

01:33:52.000 Hold on one sec.

01:33:52.000 And so Mitzi, the kid's on stage doing this.

01:33:55.000 Mitzi goes, Go get the guitar!

01:34:00.000 Don't ever go on stage without the guitar!

01:34:04.000 I kind of wish I had known Mitzi.

01:34:06.000 She's a one-of-a-kind.

01:34:07.000 You still meet her.

01:34:08.000 Oh, she's still alive?

01:34:09.000 Yeah, she's still alive.

01:34:10.000 Oh, really?

01:34:10.000 Sure, if you want to still meet her.

01:34:12.000 She's in poor health, though.

01:34:13.000 She's had a hard time.

01:34:15.000 I met Paulie one time. 1.00

01:34:16.000 He was a dick. 0.99

01:34:17.000 Well, you know, I'm a big fan of his brother. 1.00

01:34:19.000 His brother, Scott.

01:34:20.000 He's a good buddy of mine.

01:34:21.000 I love that guy.

01:34:22.000 I said to Paulie in front of...

01:34:24.000 Louis Anderson introduced us.

01:34:26.000 I always mix Louis Anderson.

01:34:27.000 Paulie can be a nice guy.

01:34:30.000 He's got the potential to be a nice guy.

01:34:32.000 He just doesn't always choose to be.

01:34:33.000 Totally.

01:34:33.000 And it seems like whatever it is, it's really weird because every time you meet him, most of the time, it's like, hey, he's just a nice guy, very friendly.

01:34:41.000 And then he has a bad, weird side, I guess.

01:34:44.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:34:45.000 You know, whatever.

01:34:48.000 Did you ever choke him out?

01:34:49.000 Me?

01:34:49.000 No.

01:34:50.000 No, never did.

01:34:51.000 I never even really...

01:34:52.000 I mean, I got more upset with how ridiculous the whole situation was at the Comedy Store than Pauly.

01:34:58.000 Pauly was just a part of a machine over there.

01:35:00.000 Yeah.

01:35:01.000 You know, whatever position Pauly plays in it now, I don't know.

01:35:04.000 Speaking of the machine, Cyber Cell Monday.

01:35:06.000 I got machine shirts at burtburtburt.com.

01:35:08.000 Keep going.

01:35:09.000 Cyber Sale Monday.

01:35:10.000 Today, Cyber Sale Monday.

01:35:11.000 So what happens?

01:35:12.000 What do they get off?

01:35:13.000 They get like same price as normal, I think.

01:35:15.000 I don't know how to change it.

01:35:16.000 They get same price as normal on a Cyber Sale? 0.99

01:35:19.000 That's not a fucking Cyber Sale. 0.98

01:35:21.000 Right now, we have a Cyber Sale at Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. Put in the code word Cyber, you get 25% off. 0.96

01:35:28.000 You don't have a real fucking... 0.90

01:35:30.000 I actually think that everyone should go to Doug.com instead of going to Amazon.com. 0.99

01:35:35.000 If you go to D-U-G-G-E-D.com, Brian, explain to me why that's good.

01:35:40.000 If you're going to shop on Amazon.com, Doug.com just forwards you to Amazon.com, but any time you spend a dollar, I get six cents, and it goes towards this studio that we're recording in.

01:35:52.000 So Amazon doesn't charge them any more?

01:35:53.000 Huh?

01:35:53.000 Doesn't charge them any more for the product?

01:35:54.000 No, no.

01:35:55.000 It just gives you a kickback.

01:35:56.000 It just gives us a kickback for promoting people to Amazon.com.

01:35:59.000 But it seems like they're stealing money for themselves.

01:36:03.000 Maybe they haven't figured it all out.

01:36:05.000 Wait, how are we making money on this?

01:36:08.000 This is how Amazon's going to fold. 1.00

01:36:10.000 Amazon, get your shit together. 1.00

01:36:11.000 You're my favorite. 0.99

01:36:12.000 And all the online shopping options.

01:36:14.000 I went to Black Friday, by the way, and that was straight up scary.

01:36:18.000 Really?

01:36:19.000 That was like being at Woodstock, but if it was all wrappers, I guess.

01:36:25.000 Wait, what did you get at Black Friday?

01:36:27.000 These projectors in the background and stuff like that.

01:36:30.000 But it was...

01:36:32.000 These projectors right here?

01:36:33.000 Yeah.

01:36:34.000 What is this movie?

01:36:36.000 I don't remember.

01:36:37.000 You have it playing but you don't know? 0.94

01:36:39.000 This studio is starting to become really fucking badass. 0.84

01:36:44.000 So now you guys do a live show here Wednesday nights. 0.92

01:36:51.000 We do a live show here on various evenings.

01:36:54.000 It's not like every Wednesday night.

01:36:56.000 And then you come straight here to do the podcast?

01:36:58.000 Yeah, what we do is we do a podcast while we're doing...

01:37:01.000 I just kicked over his camera.

01:37:02.000 Is he still cool?

01:37:04.000 What we do is we do a podcast while everyone is going up on stage.

01:37:09.000 The other comics will be back here having a podcast.

01:37:11.000 Oh, come on. 0.87

01:37:11.000 Please, why can I do this? 0.87

01:37:12.000 Oh, dude, any time you want, man.

01:37:13.000 When is the next one you're doing?

01:37:14.000 100% open in vacation.

01:37:15.000 Maybe this week.

01:37:16.000 We'll have to figure it out.

01:37:16.000 We'll figure it out.

01:37:17.000 Oh, do it this week.

01:37:18.000 Do it this week.

01:37:18.000 Yeah, if we do it this week, it'll either be Wednesday or Thursday.

01:37:22.000 Most likely Wednesday. 0.91

01:37:23.000 That's what Heather and I are now talking about doing, is doing something like that on the road with Ustream and fucking trying to... 1.00

01:37:29.000 But I'm not good with that shit. 1.00

01:37:31.000 You can do it, dude. 1.00

01:37:31.000 Just advertise it through Twitter. 1.00

01:37:33.000 Make a little Ustream show.

01:37:35.000 Heffron's in charge of everything.

01:37:36.000 Let him be in charge. 1.00

01:37:37.000 He's good at that shit. 1.00

01:37:38.000 He's smart as shit. 1.00

01:37:38.000 He put together an online survey. 1.00

01:37:40.000 Yeah, Heffron's brilliant.

01:37:42.000 He's a great guy, too.

01:37:42.000 And he's a fun guy to have on the road with you.

01:37:45.000 He's a real dude.

01:37:45.000 He's a real good guy.

01:37:47.000 He'll...

01:37:47.000 You'll have a good time.

01:37:48.000 Me, him, and Charlie Murphy went on a one-month tour of the country.

01:37:51.000 It was a good time. 1.00

01:37:53.000 They're cool motherfuckers. 0.99

01:37:54.000 I'm obsessed with Charlie Murphy. 0.99

01:37:55.000 Really?

01:37:55.000 He's so interesting.

01:37:56.000 He's a great guy, man.

01:37:57.000 I really love Charlie.

01:37:58.000 I ran into Charlie in Hawaii once, man. 0.97

01:38:01.000 It was one of the fucking coolest things ever. 0.97

01:38:03.000 Just random. 0.98

01:38:03.000 On vacation, the exact moment he was on vacation. 0.98

01:38:06.000 He's one of those guys I was truly happy to see him.

01:38:08.000 He's a real, legit dude.

01:38:12.000 He's one of the most honest people I've ever met that's in show business.

01:38:16.000 He came on the show and was telling me a story about his wife passing away.

01:38:21.000 I heard about raising his kids and doing the best he can, but he still has to travel on the road and sometimes he has to leave them and he doesn't want to and it breaks his heart. 1.00

01:38:28.000 It's powerful fucking shit. 0.99

01:38:30.000 I love the words he chooses. 1.00

01:38:33.000 He's got a 90-year-old man's vocabulary.

01:38:38.000 He says words like...

01:38:39.000 Articulate.

01:38:40.000 You're a crooner.

01:38:41.000 You're a crooner.

01:38:42.000 Like a crooner. 1.00

01:38:43.000 Who the fuck's a crooner? 1.00

01:38:43.000 Articulate his feelings on the matter. 1.00

01:38:46.000 Go say that shit to Mike Tyson. 1.00

01:38:49.000 Is that like barbershop stuff, you think? 1.00

01:38:52.000 Or like J-Guys Diamonds?

01:38:55.000 How do they not have a black barbershop podcast?

01:38:57.000 Dude, if we got you together with Charlie in a room, you and Charlie Murphy.

01:39:01.000 Oh, I want to tell him a story.

01:39:03.000 For a story off.

01:39:03.000 Oh, I want to do a story off with Charlie Murphy.

01:39:07.000 I want me and Charlie to go out one night, right?

01:39:09.000 Have an evening, and then us both recant our evening to you.

01:39:12.000 Oh, yeah, but I think Charlie doesn't party like that anymore.

01:39:15.000 Charlie's got kids.

01:39:16.000 Put me with this young white boy with his smile and laugh. 1.00

01:39:20.000 That fucking laugh. 1.00

01:39:22.000 I would fucking die. 1.00

01:39:24.000 And then we start kissing and then we start peeing everywhere. 1.00

01:39:26.000 Brian! 1.00

01:39:28.000 Black guys do not play gay shit, Brian. 1.00

01:39:31.000 That's rule number one. 1.00

01:39:31.000 That's a good way to get knocked out, silly brother. 1.00

01:39:34.000 White guys love it. 1.00

01:39:35.000 If I could sneak around and put my dick on your shoulder, you'd be like, got me. 1.00

01:39:38.000 Yeah, and listen, there's a lot of black guys that are just looking for an opportunity to punch a guy like you. 1.00

01:39:42.000 So if I was you... 0.99

01:39:44.000 I hope everyone knows I was joking. 1.00

01:39:46.000 Back off of that shit. 0.99

01:39:47.000 I want to do that podcast that you do here. 1.00

01:39:50.000 Absolutely.

01:39:50.000 Please do it.

01:39:51.000 Are you in town this whole week?

01:39:51.000 I'm in town for like two weeks.

01:39:52.000 Oh my goodness, ladies and gentlemen.

01:39:54.000 You are listening to this organically occur.

01:39:56.000 We are making an appointment for Bert Kreischer to be a part of the Ice House Chronicles. 0.99

01:40:00.000 Oh, I'm going to get a fucking car service out here. 0.98

01:40:02.000 The Ice House is our favorite new club here in California, man. 0.99

01:40:06.000 We're doing shows here all the time, as often as we can.

01:40:08.000 And we're doing podcasts here all the time, as often as we can. 0.99

01:40:11.000 Fuck! 0.99

01:40:11.000 He's looking great, man. 0.99

01:40:13.000 Who's going to be?

01:40:14.000 Is Matt Flavor going to be here?

01:40:15.000 If he's here, you never know.

01:40:17.000 But you can't call him Dooley Dog.

01:40:18.000 Listen.

01:40:19.000 I got things to do, dog. 1.00

01:40:20.000 I'll see you at the fucking show. 0.99

01:40:22.000 He doesn't like to come before the show. 1.00

01:40:24.000 I'm going to get Swartzen, man.

01:40:25.000 Swartzen would do it in a heartbeat.

01:40:26.000 He'll do it.

01:40:27.000 He'll do it for sure.

01:40:28.000 I love that guy so much.

01:40:29.000 He cracks me up, man.

01:40:30.000 He's so fucking funny. 0.95

01:40:31.000 He only did the podcast for like 45 minutes. 0.97

01:40:33.000 I know.

01:40:33.000 We've got to have him back on.

01:40:34.000 There's like a sports game on.

01:40:35.000 He's like a big sports guy.

01:40:36.000 Yeah, he's a UFC fan.

01:40:38.000 Huge UFC fan.

01:40:39.000 Really?

01:40:39.000 I see him all the time at the UFC. He loves it.

01:40:40.000 He's one of the sweetest, hardest guys that I have ever in this business.

01:40:45.000 One of the coolest things about doing this podcast, one of the coolest things about just being a comic in LA, is you get to meet a lot of goddamn interesting people.

01:40:52.000 Tell me about it, right?

01:40:53.000 Think about our lives in that respect. 1.00

01:40:55.000 All the wild stories that you told me, your fucking drinking story with Johnny Knoxville, and just the nutty shit that you've told me in the past. 1.00

01:41:02.000 Think about how fortunate you are in comparison to the average person. 1.00

01:41:06.000 The average person doesn't have those kind of experiences.

01:41:08.000 The average person doesn't live so insanely fun a life.

01:41:12.000 I get it.

01:41:12.000 I get it when I go on the road.

01:41:14.000 And the documentary guys will attest to this.

01:41:16.000 And I say this and I mean it. 0.99

01:41:19.000 I get the fans of this podcast come out to my shows in fucking droves. 0.99

01:41:25.000 Like droves. 0.98

01:41:26.000 But here's the most interesting thing.

01:41:27.000 They know I'm a fan of the podcast also.

01:41:30.000 So they end up sitting and talking to me for the entire night.

01:41:33.000 We sit at a bar and end up talking about our favorite podcast.

01:41:36.000 So we end up bullshitting about this podcast and then inevitably they're like, what's Joe's house look like? 0.99

01:41:42.000 And I just make up some story about Italians and fucking... 0.99

01:41:46.000 What's Italian? 1.00

01:41:47.000 Fucking something I just made up. 1.00

01:41:49.000 Italian? 1.00

01:41:49.000 Yeah, Italian. 1.00

01:41:50.000 I don't know what I was fucking talking about. 0.98

01:41:52.000 Brian, did you really work for NASA? Yes. 0.99

01:41:55.000 Okay.

01:41:56.000 Well, that's cool, man.

01:41:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:41:57.000 Look, we love doing this fucking podcast. 0.99

01:41:59.000 It's fun. 0.99

01:42:00.000 I was standing on the phone with you last night.

01:42:01.000 We had an in-depth conversation.

01:42:03.000 Yeah.

01:42:03.000 And I was saying this podcast has made...

01:42:05.000 It's so fascinating to be a part of because when I stand on stage, the second I get on stage, I see droves of people in machine shirts, all sold.

01:42:15.000 I got two pairs of that.

01:42:17.000 I got the light one, which I prefer.

01:42:20.000 A very thin sort of fabric.

01:42:22.000 I got one that's like a regular cotton t-shirt.

01:42:24.000 I prefer the super thin one.

01:42:26.000 It's got a little bit of sexy to it.

01:42:27.000 A little extra sexy.

01:42:28.000 You're the reason those things sell.

01:42:30.000 I swear to God.

01:42:31.000 You're the reason we're making this documentary.

01:42:32.000 You're the reason.

01:42:33.000 I got my Henderson Shogun shirt on.

01:42:35.000 No, I'm not the reason, dude.

01:42:36.000 All I am is an antenna that tuned into the greatness that is Burt.

01:42:39.000 That's what it is.

01:42:40.000 We just found you.

01:42:41.000 I couldn't make you funny.

01:42:43.000 I couldn't make you interesting.

01:42:44.000 Having you on this podcast is just, we're lucky. 0.95

01:42:46.000 I've never subscribed to the idea that someone should be happy that they come on someone's show and are entertaining as fuck for free for hours. 0.95

01:42:55.000 Oh, no, yeah. 0.97

01:42:56.000 Dude, we... 0.99

01:42:58.000 We have some really hilarious fucking shows with you, dude. 0.99

01:43:01.000 Oh, thank you. 0.99

01:43:02.000 I didn't make you.

01:43:04.000 You made yourself, dude.

01:43:05.000 You're you.

01:43:05.000 But we were talking about it last night, and it is a neat thing to be a part of.

01:43:09.000 Because when you stand on stage...

01:43:10.000 People love you, man. 0.99

01:43:11.000 So this is the fucking craziest thing. 0.99

01:43:13.000 So we do this special in Amsterdam for Showtime. 0.99

01:43:16.000 I get on stage in Amsterdam.

01:43:18.000 All Dutch crowd.

01:43:19.000 Wow.

01:43:19.000 I get on stage, and I stand on stage.

01:43:22.000 Machine! 1.00

01:43:22.000 Fucking 13 people yelling the machine. 1.00

01:43:24.000 Am I fucking lying right now? 1.00

01:43:25.000 Where's the crew? 0.99

01:43:27.000 Out in fucking Amsterdam. 0.99

01:43:28.000 Dudes have the machine shirt on and they're screaming the machine in Amsterdam. 0.99

01:43:33.000 Now this is, everyone's had a rough set.

01:43:34.000 That's the beautiful thing about the podcast.

01:43:36.000 It's free everywhere. 0.99

01:43:37.000 It's outreach is out over fucking years. 0.94

01:43:39.000 Well, it's free, and it's everywhere, and it'll always be free. 0.94

01:43:42.000 Yeah, my ads are annoying, but it's always going to be free. 0.92

01:43:45.000 Fucking great, Pog. 0.85

01:43:46.000 The one you did with Attell is overwhelming. 0.99

01:43:48.000 It's one of my favorite interviews I've heard with Attell, especially when you told him he could smoke, because then all of a sudden Dave started really fucking relaxing. 0.53

01:43:54.000 Yeah, I knew I couldn't. 0.58

01:43:56.000 I just turned on the machine.

01:43:57.000 I was like, no big deal.

01:43:58.000 I love him.

01:43:59.000 I let him smoke.

01:43:59.000 And for him, he's a two-pack-a-day guy.

01:44:01.000 So for him, it's super hard.

01:44:03.000 Yeah.

01:44:03.000 Oh, everybody harass Doug Stanhope.

01:44:06.000 Please, get after him.

01:44:08.000 Email him.

01:44:08.000 Get him on Twitter.

01:44:09.000 Tell him to do the podcast why he's in town this week, because he's doing an Irvine improv.

01:44:14.000 Stanhope's in town this week?

01:44:15.000 I'm calling a fatwa to attack the email of Douglas Stanhope.

01:44:20.000 Twitter.

01:44:21.000 And Twitter.

01:44:21.000 He doesn't read his Twitter.

01:44:23.000 He doesn't read his email either.

01:44:24.000 I'm going to call him later.

01:44:26.000 It's his Facebook.

01:44:27.000 All his tweets go to his Facebook page. 1.00

01:44:31.000 What kind of whack-ass shit is that? 1.00

01:44:33.000 What is that shit, Brian? 1.00

01:44:35.000 Explain it. 1.00

01:44:36.000 Did you hear another fucking coach got caught with little kids? 1.00

01:44:39.000 What? 1.00

01:44:40.000 Yeah, another coach today. 1.00

01:44:41.000 Some fucking... 1.00

01:44:42.000 I'll look it up online because I tweeted about it. 1.00

01:44:46.000 Is this one Colin Quinn tweeted about?

01:44:49.000 Did he tweet about it? 0.95

01:44:51.000 Colin Quinn's Twitter is so fucking funny. 0.95

01:44:53.000 Colin Quinn has been trolling everybody with this thing about Will Ferrell. 0.98

01:44:59.000 Yeah, but doing drugs.

01:45:00.000 Saying that he stole the idea.

01:45:01.000 Yeah, he stole the idea for Anchorman.

01:45:02.000 Will Ferrell.

01:45:03.000 And doing a lot of bad drugs.

01:45:05.000 He says bad drugs.

01:45:06.000 You can't see that's a Colin Quinn joke right there.

01:45:08.000 He was doing a lot of bad drugs.

01:45:10.000 And they picked it up on the Newswire, right? 0.99

01:45:12.000 It's so silly. 0.99

01:45:13.000 It's so silly. 0.99

01:45:14.000 You can't see him saying, even the vernacular he uses, the words he chooses. 0.98

01:45:18.000 And he was doing a lot of bad drugs. 0.99

01:45:20.000 Like, that's a goddamn joke. 0.99

01:45:22.000 He's Colin Quinn. 1.00

01:45:23.000 What the fuck is wrong with you people? 0.99

01:45:25.000 Oh, Bobby Kelly. 1.00

01:45:26.000 Give me the residuals.

01:45:29.000 I want my payback.

01:45:30.000 Come on, man.

01:45:30.000 How do you not know he's brilliant?

01:45:31.000 Bobby Kelly told me the funniest Colin Quinn story.

01:45:33.000 I saw Bobby in New York.

01:45:35.000 We did his podcast, which is coming out next Monday.

01:45:37.000 It's You Know What, Dude?

01:45:40.000 That's the name of his podcast.

01:45:40.000 It was really fun.

01:45:41.000 His podcast is called Know What, Dude?

01:45:43.000 You Know What, Dude?

01:45:44.000 That's a great name for a podcast.

01:45:47.000 So Bobby says, have you ever met Colin?

01:45:48.000 I said, never met him, but I love him.

01:45:50.000 I think he's hilarious.

01:45:51.000 And then I see Bobby later that night, and he goes, you know, Colin said hi.

01:45:54.000 And I said, I don't think we've ever met.

01:45:56.000 And he goes, well, he was at Gotham the other night, and he sat with a guy for 30 minutes, and then at the end said, see you later, Bert.

01:46:01.000 And the guy goes, I'm not Bert.

01:46:02.000 And he goes, Alright, take care.

01:46:04.000 He thought he was talking to me for 30 minutes.

01:46:06.000 Like having a conversation with some guy.

01:46:08.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:46:09.000 It was good meeting you, Bert.

01:46:10.000 And the guy goes, my name's not Bert.

01:46:11.000 And he's like, alright, see you later.

01:46:12.000 Oh, wow.

01:46:13.000 So you guys just sat down and talked politics, maybe?

01:46:15.000 I have no idea.

01:46:16.000 You and your ghost man?

01:46:17.000 Yeah.

01:46:17.000 The ghost Bert?

01:46:18.000 Yeah.

01:46:19.000 This is what I was talking about.

01:46:20.000 This guy from Syracuse.

01:46:21.000 That's who it is. 0.56

01:46:22.000 Syracuse University fired Bernie Fine, assistant men's basketball coach for sexually abusing boys. 1.00

01:46:28.000 That shit happens all the time, though. 1.00

01:46:30.000 My gym teacher molested half of our elementary school. 1.00

01:46:34.000 Really?

01:46:34.000 We talked about this on the podcast.

01:46:35.000 His name was Fill Me Up Phillips. 0.99

01:46:37.000 And he would just walk behind guys and smack them in the butt. 1.00

01:46:41.000 And he had this huge bucket of prizes that were stupid small toys. 1.00

01:46:46.000 And it was like a joke between us and elementary school. 1.00

01:46:48.000 Like, oh yeah, he molested our friend Sean.

01:46:51.000 He molested our friend...

01:46:52.000 Blah, blah. 0.52

01:46:53.000 Is it true?

01:46:54.000 He really did molest them? 1.00

01:46:55.000 Or were you just making shit up? 1.00

01:46:57.000 No, no. 0.99

01:46:57.000 I mean, that's what we all believe, but we were only elementary kids. 0.99

01:47:00.000 But then later...

01:47:01.000 Okay, but did these kids tell you that he molested them?

01:47:03.000 I don't know how.

01:47:04.000 It was one of those things where it got throughout the whole entire school.

01:47:07.000 Right, right, right.

01:47:08.000 So it could have just been a rumor?

01:47:10.000 Even as a kid, we all were like, dude, he totally is so molesty.

01:47:16.000 Wow, that's crazy.

01:47:18.000 And then a few years later, he got thrown out of school or whatever.

01:47:23.000 Did he get arrested?

01:47:25.000 I don't know.

01:47:26.000 But he got suspended for doing that.

01:47:28.000 But you dodged it?

01:47:29.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:47:30.000 He never got you?

01:47:30.000 No, that wasn't his kind.

01:47:31.000 I was too fat.

01:47:33.000 LAUGHTER It's a defense mechanism, Joe. 0.91

01:47:37.000 No, it wasn't this guy that was too fat. 0.94

01:47:40.000 Make yourself unpretty.

01:47:42.000 You don't feel pretty on the inside, so make yourself unpretty on the outside.

01:47:47.000 That's how I get out of most of my relationships.

01:47:49.000 And if it goes after five or six years, I just start eating like crazy.

01:47:51.000 He's not lying.

01:47:52.000 I'm a blowfish.

01:47:52.000 He's not lying.

01:47:53.000 There's one point in time he was at the end of this relationship, and he had to weigh almost 300 pounds.

01:47:58.000 Yeah, he was almost 260. He was enormous.

01:48:00.000 Are you serious?

01:48:00.000 260 pounds.

01:48:01.000 I even told you that I've done that before, where I'm like, I'm just going to eat a lot and get rid of them.

01:48:05.000 Just to get rid of them?

01:48:07.000 That's the most self-destructive way to get out of a relationship I've ever heard.

01:48:11.000 It's hard, man.

01:48:12.000 How hard is it to break up with somebody? 0.99

01:48:14.000 Fucking impossible. 0.99

01:48:15.000 That's a big test, though. 0.99

01:48:15.000 If they can last for me being fat, then all right, they deserve it. 0.99

01:48:20.000 They deserve what? 1.00

01:48:21.000 Your dick? 1.00

01:48:22.000 They deserve, well, no. 1.00

01:48:23.000 Enjoy me being fat? 1.00

01:48:24.000 It's through thick or thin, bitch. 1.00

01:48:26.000 No. 1.00

01:48:28.000 So you do it on purpose is what you're saying. 0.99

01:48:30.000 Here's the thing that there are guys in unhealthy relationships right now doing destructive shit to try to push the girl away. 0.99

01:48:36.000 Oh, hell yeah. 0.99

01:48:37.000 And here's the thing that I learned one day in a yoga class.

01:48:40.000 I was in a miserable relationship right before I met my wife. 0.99

01:48:43.000 I go to a yoga class and the guy just does that fucking gets in your head. 0.99

01:48:46.000 You do the whole class at the very end. 0.98

01:48:48.000 He goes, so right now when we lay down on the mats, I want you to think, what's the one thing that makes you unhappy? 1.00

01:48:52.000 I remember thinking, this fucking chick. 0.99

01:48:54.000 And he's like, you have the power to change that today. 1.00

01:48:57.000 Take action. 1.00

01:48:58.000 And I went, I can fucking dump her. 1.00

01:49:00.000 I can make myself happy right fucking now. 1.00

01:49:04.000 So if you're listening and you are thinking to yourself, I'm not happy with my chick, fucking change that shit. 1.00

01:49:10.000 Absolutely. 1.00

01:49:11.000 Change it.

01:49:11.000 You know what a good move to do is also?

01:49:13.000 Is to sit down and give yourself advice.

01:49:15.000 Nobody ever does that.

01:49:16.000 Self-evaluation, non-stop.

01:49:18.000 Sit down and actually give yourself advice.

01:49:19.000 Say, if I was in this situation, what would I say to myself?

01:49:22.000 Because nobody ever does that.

01:49:23.000 They say, what am I going to do? 0.99

01:49:24.000 How am I going to fucking... 0.98

01:49:25.000 You would say, if I was saying this to somebody else, let me take myself out of it. 0.98

01:49:29.000 It's very difficult to do, obviously, and you can't be 100% objective.

01:49:31.000 You're sure going to know you have a situation.

01:49:33.000 But sit back and say, how would I advise myself to handle this situation? 0.99

01:49:38.000 And then fucking follow that, man. 0.98

01:49:40.000 Because that's the person that's thinking clearly. 0.99

01:49:42.000 Not you now, who's looking for a shovel and some lime.

01:49:44.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:49:45.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.95

01:49:46.000 You're totally fucking right. 0.91

01:49:48.000 It's the guy going... 0.97

01:49:49.000 That's funny.

01:49:50.000 It's true. 0.98

01:49:51.000 I never fucking listen to myself. 0.98

01:49:52.000 Give yourself advice. 0.98

01:49:53.000 It's very important.

01:49:54.000 You forgot rope, Joe.

01:49:54.000 You've got to go into the isolation tank.

01:49:55.000 I want to go into the isolation tank really bad.

01:49:57.000 I want to get in the TM, too.

01:49:58.000 We should get one here.

01:49:59.000 Try this out on meditation in the isolation tank. 0.99

01:50:00.000 Fucking that's what I want. 0.99

01:50:01.000 I want. 0.99

01:50:02.000 Joe, we should get one here.

01:50:03.000 We could do one here.

01:50:04.000 The only thing is we have to maintain it.

01:50:07.000 You have to make sure...

01:50:07.000 What space would we put it in, Brian?

01:50:11.000 The isolation tank storefront right there where you can rent it out like a storefront.

01:50:15.000 Whoa, you know, we could do that.

01:50:17.000 Wouldn't that be amazing?

01:50:17.000 We could start a float lab.

01:50:19.000 Oh, do it, do it, do it.

01:50:20.000 Because float lab is in Venice.

01:50:22.000 If I talk to Crash, we'll see.

01:50:23.000 We'll talk to the float lab.

01:50:24.000 I want to do your isolation tank really bad.

01:50:26.000 That would be dope, huh?

01:50:27.000 That would be dope.

01:50:28.000 Dope-alicious.

01:50:28.000 You know what?

01:50:29.000 I got an idea.

01:50:30.000 I got an idea.

01:50:31.000 I think I might have to open up a business. 0.99

01:50:33.000 Fucking goddammit, we're going to open up a tank business, Brian Reichel! 0.99

01:50:35.000 Right next door. 1.00

01:50:36.000 Genius, son, genius!

01:50:38.000 Cheers.

01:50:38.000 I can't hear out of my left ear.

01:50:41.000 It's because it's not a good headphone.

01:50:43.000 We should get new, awesome, amazing headphones.

01:50:46.000 Oh, I did.

01:50:46.000 Skullcandy.

01:50:47.000 They sent me them.

01:50:48.000 I keep forgetting to bring them here.

01:50:49.000 They're at my house, though, diligently waiting to pick them up.

01:50:52.000 Did you bring 5HTP with you?

01:50:55.000 Yeah.

01:50:55.000 No, I don't have any with me.

01:50:57.000 I have this big thing at AlphaBrain.

01:50:59.000 I'm slow rolling my alpha brain.

01:51:01.000 I got my personal stacks of 5-HTP. And by the way, if you take New Mood, this is the 5-HTP thing, and you're taking antidepressants already, it could be a problem.

01:51:12.000 Really?

01:51:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:51:13.000 Yeah.

01:51:14.000 Apparently, that's what doctors say.

01:51:16.000 Because apparently, what Neil Brennan was doing when he came on the podcast and he started talking about antidepressants and 5-HTP and how it helped him, his doctor told him essentially that what's happening is when you take 5-HTP and you're already on antidepressants, it's like getting two antidepressants.

01:51:34.000 Really?

01:51:34.000 You actually get too much serotonin.

01:51:36.000 Which is really crazy because what that means is that 5-HTP essentially produces much of the same stuff that these antidepressants produce.

01:51:45.000 It's almost like it's natural antidepressants.

01:51:47.000 What about New Mood and Stella?

01:51:50.000 I think that works.

01:51:52.000 New Mood and Stella?

01:51:53.000 Oh, is that the beer?

01:51:54.000 Yeah.

01:51:54.000 Well, Stella is a good beer if you want to let a chick know that you're European-inclined.

01:52:00.000 Let a bitch know I've been to London three or four times. 1.00

01:52:04.000 It's cool. 1.00

01:52:04.000 You just got to go to the right restaurant. 1.00

01:52:06.000 I got friends in London.

01:52:07.000 I got nice leather shoes.

01:52:09.000 I got friends in London.

01:52:10.000 Yeah, I got shoes made out of kangaroo.

01:52:12.000 That's hilarious.

01:52:13.000 You know?

01:52:14.000 You gotta drink that.

01:52:15.000 I'll have a Stella, please.

01:52:16.000 You don't like Stella?

01:52:16.000 In a glass.

01:52:17.000 I think Stella's nice.

01:52:18.000 I do, I like it, but...

01:52:19.000 It's like a light beer, but...

01:52:21.000 Light beer without skunk.

01:52:22.000 Light beer without skunk.

01:52:24.000 Yeah.

01:52:24.000 You know what, man?

01:52:24.000 Give me one of them bitches.

01:52:25.000 I'll try it. 1.00

01:52:26.000 Let's roll.

01:52:26.000 Let's roll with a Stella.

01:52:27.000 I might as well try one, too.

01:52:28.000 Yeah, Bert. 1.00

01:52:29.000 Fuck this one beer. 1.00

01:52:30.000 What are we, pussies? 1.00

01:52:31.000 Are we not men? 1.00

01:52:33.000 Two beers is nothing.

01:52:34.000 You're a man of our stature.

01:52:36.000 Two beers.

01:52:37.000 How much do you weigh?

01:52:38.000 Uh, $225.

01:52:39.000 Yeah, I'm like $190.

01:52:40.000 We can process this.

01:52:41.000 Are you really $190?

01:52:42.000 Yes.

01:52:43.000 Nice, Brian.

01:52:45.000 Thank you. 0.99

01:52:45.000 Brian, you're a fucking gentleman. 0.99

01:52:47.000 Now I've got to go back and have a conversation with my wife and my daughters. 1.00

01:52:50.000 It's not going to be half as entertaining.

01:52:52.000 Oh, it's going to be fine.

01:52:53.000 My daughters last night said to me...

01:52:54.000 That's where pot comes in and makes it even more interesting. 0.99

01:52:56.000 Again, I'm trying to help you.

01:52:59.000 Trying to help you, Bert. 0.99

01:53:00.000 We're going to turn you into a pothead. 1.00

01:53:01.000 It's going to help you. 0.99

01:53:02.000 Let's do it.

01:53:03.000 Cheers, my friend.

01:53:04.000 Cheers.

01:53:05.000 To a great new studio.

01:53:08.000 How do you say that?

01:53:09.000 To a great new studio.

01:53:10.000 How do you say the last name?

01:53:12.000 Atois.

01:53:14.000 Is that it?

01:53:14.000 Like Artie Fuqua.

01:53:16.000 Atois.

01:53:17.000 It's okay.

01:53:19.000 I like it.

01:53:20.000 It's got like sediment at the bottom.

01:53:21.000 It's not bad.

01:53:22.000 It's pretty good.

01:53:25.000 What's your favorite beer?

01:53:26.000 I prefer Sam Adams.

01:53:27.000 Heineken.

01:53:27.000 I'm a Heineken guy.

01:53:28.000 If I get sponsored by Heineken, I can do it in a heartbeat.

01:53:31.000 I remember one time some Budweiser guys asked me.

01:53:33.000 They were like, how much would it cost to get that Budweiser out of your hand and put a Heineken on stage?

01:53:37.000 Or get that Heineken out of your hand and put a Budweiser on stage.

01:53:39.000 Wow.

01:53:40.000 And I was like, can't do it.

01:53:42.000 So you would only drink Budweiser on stage?

01:53:43.000 Just drink Budweiser on stage.

01:53:45.000 I did a deal with Jameson.

01:53:46.000 That'd be a good deal.

01:53:47.000 I did a deal with Jameson for two years. 1.00

01:53:49.000 I say too much crazy shit, though. 0.99

01:53:50.000 I don't think Budweiser would want to have anything. 1.00

01:53:51.000 Oh, no, no, no. 1.00

01:53:52.000 They don't give a shit. 1.00

01:53:53.000 No, they love that shit. 1.00

01:53:53.000 Don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:53:54.000 Have you seen the commercials? 1.00

01:53:55.000 Look at their Super Bowl commercials. 1.00

01:53:56.000 It's pretty much what you think of when you're taking a shit, maybe. 1.00

01:54:00.000 What? 0.99

01:54:01.000 What Super Bowl commercials are you talking about? 0.99

01:54:03.000 Bud Light or Budweiser commercials are all fucking trippy. 0.91

01:54:07.000 Bud Light is the first to sponsor the UFC, so I have nothing but love for Bud Light. 0.98

01:54:12.000 Is that Brock Lesnar who was like, they got nothing on me.

01:54:14.000 He kind of made a joke.

01:54:16.000 He was trying to be his character. 1.00

01:54:20.000 He's the heel from pro wrestling, big fucking wrestler guy. 1.00

01:54:23.000 He's selling himself. 1.00

01:54:24.000 He's doing a smart thing. 1.00

01:54:26.000 He just fucked up. 1.00

01:54:27.000 He shouldn't have said that, but he just fucked up. 1.00

01:54:29.000 But Bud Light was the first big sponsor to step in and support the UFC, so I'll always be a Bud Light fan just for that. 0.99

01:54:36.000 Sounds ridiculous, but that's a big move, man, for a company to take a big chance like that and step in.

01:54:41.000 Dude, UFC was the HIV of sports for a while. 0.99

01:54:44.000 I remember hearing that shit and being like... 1.00

01:54:47.000 God. 1.00

01:54:48.000 Did you guys go through that Honey Brown stage where everyone was drinking Honey Brown and Killian's?

01:54:53.000 Brian, you always do this.

01:54:54.000 You always change the subject when we start talking about MMA. Well, we were talking about beer, too.

01:54:59.000 We were, but people online are going to get angry with you every time you do that.

01:55:02.000 So when I worked for Jameson, I worked for Jameson for two years, did the Jameson tour.

01:55:06.000 Me, Billy Gardell, Steve Byrne, Michael Loftus, Nick Griffin, and Danny Bevins. 0.99

01:55:11.000 And they sent cases of Jameson to your house every fucking month. 1.00

01:55:15.000 They sent cases of Jameson, the expensive shit, too. 1.00

01:55:19.000 How do they expect you to drink it all? 0.99

01:55:20.000 And no, when you got to a show, Jameson waiting in the green room.

01:55:24.000 And the rule was you had to drink Jameson on stage.

01:55:26.000 You had to mention how good your Jameson was.

01:55:30.000 On the show?

01:55:31.000 On the show.

01:55:32.000 Like, take a sip. 1.00

01:55:32.000 Like, damn, that's good fucking Jameson. 1.00

01:55:34.000 And you had to be pro-Jameson. 1.00

01:55:38.000 I got no problem with that, because Jameson is pretty goddamn good. 0.99

01:55:40.000 It's fucking awesome! 1.00

01:55:42.000 That's some good shit. 0.99

01:55:42.000 And then we get done the tour. 0.99

01:55:44.000 You ready for this?

01:55:44.000 They buy us each acre of land in Ireland on a river.

01:55:51.000 All of us, right next to each other, we each get a fucking acre of land, a deed, and a picture. 0.99

01:55:55.000 Whoa. 0.99

01:55:55.000 Yeah, fucking Jameson was one player. 0.99

01:55:57.000 Are you going to build a house in Ireland? 1.00

01:55:58.000 No, you can't build on it.

01:56:00.000 You can't build on it. 0.99

01:56:01.000 Yeah, it's fucking pointless. 0.98

01:56:02.000 But... 0.98

01:56:02.000 Can you camp on it? 0.98

01:56:03.000 You can camp on it.

01:56:04.000 You can?

01:56:04.000 Yeah.

01:56:05.000 How big can you tech be?

01:56:06.000 Can it be permanent?

01:56:07.000 Can you have a permanent tent?

01:56:08.000 Yeah, but me and a bunch of pikeys. 1.00

01:56:10.000 Oh, pikeys? 1.00

01:56:12.000 Dude, I've been obsessing about watching these Irish travelers fights. 1.00

01:56:15.000 Pikey fights on fucking YouTube! 1.00

01:56:17.000 I fucking love pikey fights on YouTube! 1.00

01:56:20.000 Oh my god, they have some of the best fights, dude. 0.98

01:56:22.000 Brian, you gotta look this up. 1.00

01:56:23.000 They're boring as shit. 1.00

01:56:24.000 I mean, most of these guys. 1.00

01:56:26.000 Look, they're tough guys and everything, but there's a different style of fighting when you fight bare knuckle.

01:56:30.000 And literally they stand there and punch themselves in the face.

01:56:32.000 Yeah.

01:56:33.000 It's not like a street fight like you see in the States.

01:56:35.000 But the best is they challenge each other.

01:56:37.000 When they challenge each other, I'll tell you this, Johnny, Johnny Mike, you're good for nothing.

01:56:41.000 That's what you are.

01:56:42.000 You're good for nothing. 1.00

01:56:43.000 And you've got no balls inside you for all. 1.00

01:56:45.000 I'll tell you right now, I'll fight you. 1.00

01:56:47.000 I'll fight you anytime before Christmas. 0.56

01:56:49.000 Any time before Christmas, you tell me.

01:56:52.000 There's a video of a pikey driving to a street. 1.00

01:56:54.000 They said, well, meet, what'll meet?

01:56:56.000 A quarter of a click.

01:56:57.000 Two flies in a present.

01:56:59.000 Whoever knows that one, tweet me.

01:57:01.000 Because I tweeted it a while ago.

01:57:03.000 It's really hilarious.

01:57:04.000 But I can't find it in my Twitter while the show is going on. 0.83

01:57:07.000 But I want to play it because it's so ridiculous.

01:57:09.000 Do you want to see something really disturbing, pikey? 1.00

01:57:11.000 Irish travelers, they were talking shit before a street fight. 1.00

01:57:15.000 It's even better than the actual fight itself. 0.99

01:57:16.000 The most disturbing Pikey video on there is... 0.99

01:57:19.000 The most disturbing one?

01:57:20.000 Most disturbing one.

01:57:21.000 Someone's listening that knows exactly what I'm talking about.

01:57:23.000 Please tweet it to Joe and me and Brian.

01:57:26.000 It is, Pikey gets what he deserves. 0.94

01:57:29.000 Oh, no.

01:57:29.000 And it's a bunch of British school kids in a park having beers, snorting coke, smoking weed, and a Pikey comes up and he wants...

01:57:39.000 But it's all done post.

01:57:41.000 It's a recount of the British kid going, so a little pikey comes up and he wants a little drink. 1.00

01:57:46.000 He wants a thing, this and that.

01:57:48.000 Well, we tell him it's cocaine, but guess who just got a nose full of special K? 0.99

01:57:53.000 And they cut and the pikey is fucking seizuring on the ground. 1.00

01:57:57.000 It's fucking scum. 1.00

01:57:59.000 Sketchy. 1.00

01:58:00.000 It breaks your heart because you go, that guy's helpless.

01:58:02.000 He's in a K-hole right now.

01:58:03.000 He's not coming out anytime soon.

01:58:05.000 And it's all, it's, if you type in, Brian, if you type in, Pikey gets what he deserves, Park, or something like that, you'll see it. 1.00

01:58:13.000 And it fucking, you just go, oh, that shit happens. 1.00

01:58:15.000 That fucking happens. 1.00

01:58:17.000 It does happen. 0.99

01:58:18.000 But man, it was Pikey fights where I fucking was obsessed with those for a while. 0.99

01:58:22.000 Here's one of them, Brian.

01:58:24.000 Can you find this?

01:58:25.000 I'll tell you the name.

01:58:26.000 Tell me when you're ready.

01:58:28.000 All right. 1.00

01:58:30.000 Big Joe's Davey Joyce reply to Simon O. Oh, shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:58:40.000 Wait, is this a vlog? 1.00

01:58:41.000 No, it's they talk shit. 1.00

01:58:43.000 Say it one more time. 1.00

01:58:44.000 Okay.

01:58:45.000 Big Joe's.

01:58:46.000 Just type in Big Joe's Davey Joyce reply.

01:58:50.000 Just type in that. 0.96

01:58:50.000 Big Joe's J-O-E-S David D-A-V-Y Joyce J-O-Y-C-E Reply Look at this Hello Sammy I seen you in a play there Norvice Squeak as I call you I seen you in a play there On the internet The machine is straight out of this internet shit The computer Hold on, stop, stop, stop. 0.96

01:59:11.000 Brian, you got two things playing at the same time. 0.88

01:59:14.000 There's two things playing.

01:59:15.000 It's him, and then there's something going on in the background.

01:59:17.000 Did you hear it?

01:59:17.000 It was the thing that Bert told me.

01:59:21.000 Oh, they were both playing at the same time.

01:59:23.000 I'm sorry, I was baffled.

01:59:24.000 I couldn't hear how horrible this guy was.

01:59:25.000 I want to hear this guy's vlog.

01:59:26.000 Yeah, this is what's going on here. 0.99

01:59:28.000 There's a guy who was talking shit about him online saying, I'll fight you. 0.99

01:59:32.000 I'll fight you anytime between now and Christmas. 0.98

01:59:35.000 And this guy came back to reply to him.

01:59:37.000 Anytime between now and Christmas.

01:59:39.000 Here he goes, President.

01:59:43.000 They always take their shirts off.

02:00:04.000 Even when they have terrible chests.

02:00:07.000 You want me to slow it down a little?

02:00:08.000 No, no, no.

02:00:09.000 That's beautiful.

02:00:12.000 What?

02:00:17.000 This is insane. 0.99

02:00:18.000 You need the rat poison. 1.00

02:00:21.000 You're squeaky innocent. 0.96

02:00:25.000 He's just getting worked up. 0.94

02:00:26.000 You look like a Down syndrome. 0.77

02:00:29.000 I'll hear the shirt off. 0.98

02:00:32.000 Show her body like that. 0.84

02:00:36.000 That guy's getting aroused right now. 0.96

02:00:39.000 I am willing to fight now, Simon. 1.00

02:00:52.000 Everyone in Dublin and fucking Pasadena! 0.99

02:00:55.000 This is my first time to see you aren't here! 1.00

02:00:57.000 Just me over to tell me a minute ago, this way you, he did give you brain damage!

02:01:01.000 Cause the swellness never left your head! 0.61

02:01:03.000 You have a head that size and it's all swell and innocent! 1.00

02:01:05.000 You're dirty good for nothing bastard ya! 1.00

02:01:07.000 You're dirty good for nothing bastard ya! 1.00

02:01:10.000 I fucking love it! 1.00

02:01:11.000 You say me, as far as I'm concerned, you are the best of darlings! 1.00

02:01:14.000 But the dirty shites I've seen this have to stay at them, you dirty junkies bastards! 1.00

02:01:18.000 Come out now, you say me and fight! 1.00

02:01:22.000 I fucking love it! 1.00

02:01:24.000 He comes back again! 1.00

02:01:26.000 Your worst nightmare.

02:01:28.000 I'm your worst nightmare. 1.00

02:01:29.000 As far as I'm concerned, Anthony, We call you shite in the bucket. 1.00

02:01:34.000 Shite in the bucket. 1.00

02:01:36.000 You were shite in the bucket for a whole two weeks. 1.00

02:01:37.000 You wouldn't leave the trailer. 1.00

02:01:40.000 You were shite in the bucket for two weeks. 1.00

02:01:41.000 But Simon, I'm christening you now officially shite in the bucket as well. 1.00

02:01:47.000 I'm finishing you. 0.99

02:01:48.000 I'm closing you for you.

02:01:49.000 I'm closing your two eyes. 1.00

02:01:50.000 And you're going to be shite in the bucket for two weeks as well. 1.00

02:01:53.000 So that's what you wear as well, is shite in the buckle. 1.00

02:01:55.000 What do we call ye? 1.00

02:01:56.000 Shite in the buckle. 1.00

02:01:58.000 Okay. 1.00

02:01:59.000 Hold on.

02:02:00.000 Stop this real quick.

02:02:01.000 Can we please do this?

02:02:02.000 Okay, listen.

02:02:04.000 Please, anyone, everyone right now, do their response video to this guy. 1.00

02:02:11.000 Go, I don't know Shimey, but I know you, and I'll fucking kick your ass. 1.00

02:02:14.000 Who the fuck do you think you are? 1.00

02:02:15.000 Like, do your American? 1.00

02:02:16.000 Take your shirt off?

02:02:17.000 Let's see how good they can get. 1.00

02:02:19.000 Oh, fuck, I want to do one tonight. 1.00

02:02:20.000 I know. 1.00

02:02:21.000 I want to do one.

02:02:22.000 The second we get done, Brian, get a camera.

02:02:24.000 I'm doing a reply to that guy.

02:02:25.000 What's his name, Big John?

02:02:27.000 Big John. 0.94

02:02:27.000 And I'm going to be dead fucking serious, so Big John sees it. 0.94

02:02:29.000 And you know he doesn't get irony. 0.99

02:02:31.000 He's going to be sitting in this trailer going, who the fuck, on the slow modem that he's got. 1.00

02:02:35.000 Come on and fight me on! 1.00

02:02:36.000 Use these!

02:02:37.000 Everyone can use these, John!

02:02:39.000 Everyone can use these!

02:02:41.000 Shirt's coming off.

02:02:42.000 The shirt coming off is a strange move. 0.99

02:02:45.000 I guess it's an I don't give a fuck move. 0.99

02:02:47.000 It's like that white rapper that I was talking about earlier. 0.99

02:02:49.000 Who is he? 0.99

02:02:50.000 He takes his shirt off and is like, I don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:02:51.000 The guy with Birdman. 1.00

02:02:52.000 I don't know, but he didn't give a fuck. 1.00

02:02:54.000 His whole thing was that he didn't give a fuck. 0.99

02:02:55.000 Well, this guy basically is doing the same thing. 1.00

02:02:57.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 0.99

02:02:58.000 Takes his shirt off. 1.00

02:02:59.000 He knows he's fat.

02:03:00.000 I love it.

02:03:01.000 He knows he's not oppressive. 1.00

02:03:02.000 When the shirt comes off, that's when the fucking party starts. 1.00

02:03:04.000 That's not Phil Barone under there. 0.99

02:03:05.000 You know, that's not a young Randy Couture.

02:03:08.000 Come on, son.

02:03:09.000 What are you looking at now, Brian?

02:03:11.000 Are you looking at Irish funerals?

02:03:12.000 Bagpipes and buttholes.

02:03:14.000 It's like buttholes put to bagpipes.

02:03:17.000 That's a grown man, ladies and gentlemen.

02:03:19.000 What's that guy's name?

02:03:20.000 Big John?

02:03:20.000 No questions, only answers.

02:03:21.000 Big John McCarthy?

02:03:22.000 No, that guy's name was Brian.

02:03:23.000 What was that guy's name?

02:03:24.000 Brian knows it.

02:03:26.000 Big Joe Davey Joyce replied to Simon O'Donnell.

02:03:31.000 Big Joe Davey Joyce.

02:03:32.000 Alright, to Stymie?

02:03:34.000 To Simon O'Donnell.

02:03:36.000 Simon!

02:03:37.000 He was saying Simon this whole time.

02:03:39.000 That's what he was saying? 0.99

02:03:41.000 All right, we're going to need some cue cards because I'm never going to remember that guy's fucking name. 0.99

02:03:45.000 I'll send it to you. 0.98

02:03:46.000 I'm trying to see if I can send it to you right here from my phone.

02:03:48.000 There's got to be a way to.

02:03:50.000 Yes.

02:03:51.000 God, that's what's great about the internet.

02:03:53.000 I would ask you what your email is, but then the whole world would know it.

02:03:56.000 I'm thinking about changing it. 1.00

02:03:57.000 And you're going to get a bunch of black dicks in the mail. 1.00

02:03:59.000 I just had to fucking pay for more Gmail space. 1.00

02:04:02.000 Really? 0.99

02:04:03.000 Yeah, and that's just disgusting to me.

02:04:04.000 I feel disgusted. 1.00

02:04:05.000 Wait, from penis pictures you're sending out? 0.99

02:04:07.000 No, I think it's from just sending a lot of movie files, like video files and stuff like that. 0.95

02:04:12.000 And I wish I could just be like, hey, let me download it all in one file and then erase everything.

02:04:18.000 Because it's only five bucks a year.

02:04:22.000 But still, if you stop paying it, then it takes away that space, that extra 20 gigs that you pay for every year.

02:04:28.000 So it's kind of a trick.

02:04:29.000 And then if that keeps on going, that's going to be like a gas price thing.

02:04:33.000 And in 70 years, we're going to be paying like $5,000 a month for our Gmail space.

02:04:38.000 I think you're getting out of hand here.

02:04:39.000 I think you might have overstretched that one.

02:04:42.000 Google has everything for free.

02:04:44.000 Brian's like, eventually they'll control the monetary system of the world.

02:04:47.000 It is.

02:04:48.000 They'll pay them.

02:04:49.000 They will be our overlords.

02:04:51.000 Do you really truly believe that, Brian?

02:04:52.000 Are you scared of Gmail?

02:04:53.000 I think it is a trick that they make you pay for 20 gigs extra a year.

02:04:59.000 Brian, it's a free service.

02:05:00.000 Yeah, but if you stop paying for it, then they just, what, delete the last year of your Gmail?

02:05:05.000 It's kind of like a trick.

02:05:06.000 Yeah, that's like, why should they give you so much storage?

02:05:08.000 That seems like the type of storage that a professional would use.

02:05:11.000 You know why they should?

02:05:12.000 Why?

02:05:12.000 Because I could just make a second Gmail for free, and a third Gmail, and a fourth Gmail, and a fifth Gmail for free.

02:05:17.000 Don't tell them.

02:05:17.000 You're telling them right now.

02:05:19.000 Ryan, stop it.

02:05:19.000 What is that, against the law?

02:05:20.000 Stop it.

02:05:21.000 Brian, you're giving away the secrets, man.

02:05:23.000 You know what I'm saying now.

02:05:24.000 What do you think about the latest in Google phones?

02:05:27.000 Because I've been having these Google phone versus iPhone conversations again lately.

02:05:31.000 Will you stop with this?

02:05:33.000 There's a resound that's supposed to be pretty dope. 1.00

02:05:35.000 You go buy your fucking phone and you'll know in like a month you'll be back to the iPhone. 0.99

02:05:40.000 I know 100% you would. 1.00

02:05:42.000 100%?

02:05:42.000 What if I like looking at big pictures?

02:05:44.000 I want them big.

02:05:45.000 I want pictures big.

02:05:46.000 Carry your iPad around on a sling like you used to.

02:05:49.000 I got my iPad in my backpack. 1.00

02:05:50.000 Oh, fuck, Joe. 1.00

02:05:52.000 That's the next moneymaker right there. 1.00

02:05:54.000 I want you to come out with fanny packs.

02:05:57.000 Manly fanny packs.

02:05:58.000 Yes, I got one right here.

02:05:59.000 We have a higher primate fanny pack.

02:06:02.000 Are you sure?

02:06:02.000 Never mind.

02:06:05.000 Yeah, Brian's got the most ridiculous one of all time. 0.99

02:06:07.000 Brian's fanny pack is more like a survival camp gear. 0.98

02:06:10.000 It's good for cameras.

02:06:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:06:12.000 It's tough. 1.00

02:06:12.000 You carry too much shit. 1.00

02:06:13.000 Yeah, that's like a guy on the field that needs a belt bag. 1.00

02:06:17.000 It's too ridiculous for a fanny pack. 0.96

02:06:18.000 It's a guy at work. 0.99

02:06:19.000 I don't know.

02:06:19.000 It's pretty tough.

02:06:20.000 I like it a lot.

02:06:21.000 Do you feel sexy with it on though? 0.98

02:06:22.000 Yeah, I don't feel bad because I think it looks so ridiculous. 0.99

02:06:25.000 When you're around your girl. 0.98

02:06:26.000 I think it just looks like G.I. Joe style.

02:06:28.000 When you look at Fanny Pack, you're like, alright, that's just lame.

02:06:31.000 This to me is more like, oh, he's got a good camera and some stuff in there.

02:06:35.000 You know what it looks like to me?

02:06:36.000 It looks like the Big Bad Wolf.

02:06:37.000 I'm going to put it on right now.

02:06:38.000 The Big Bad Wolf.

02:06:39.000 I started watching that show, Grim, on Sundays.

02:06:43.000 Wait, are you ever going to talk about your show coming out?

02:06:46.000 What, Fairfax?

02:06:47.000 Yeah, I'll talk about it.

02:06:49.000 Are you excited?

02:06:53.000 Yeah, it's going to be fun.

02:06:55.000 It's a funny show.

02:06:55.000 Everyone I talk to is so fucking excited for it.

02:06:58.000 I don't know if there's one episode where I'm not sure if they're going to be able to air it. 0.66

02:07:01.000 They haven't decided yet.

02:07:02.000 Are you serious?

02:07:02.000 Yeah, because it's so crazy.

02:07:03.000 It's so ridiculous. 0.78

02:07:04.000 When I heard that we were doing it, let me tell you something. 0.85

02:07:06.000 The way they're filming it, the stunts, everything is way more over the top than before.

02:07:13.000 The stunts are way bigger.

02:07:14.000 And it's very strange.

02:07:16.000 Look at Brian. 0.91

02:07:17.000 Brian's got a sexy fanny pack. 0.78

02:07:17.000 That's your fanny pack, Brian? 0.78

02:07:18.000 Yeah, look at that.

02:07:19.000 That's like a Survivor gear sort of a thing. 1.00

02:07:21.000 That is a fucking... 1.00

02:07:23.000 That's a shooter in the field fanny pack. 1.00

02:07:25.000 Yeah, you could do some serious fucking airport traveling with that, though. 0.99

02:07:28.000 Look at that, Brian. 0.99

02:07:29.000 You know, that's a good move for the airport, dude.

02:07:31.000 So you could film us going through the airport.

02:07:34.000 You're not allowed to film that, though, right?

02:07:35.000 Yeah, you could film.

02:07:36.000 I don't know.

02:07:36.000 We're going to film in the airport.

02:07:38.000 The TSA, do they allow you to film?

02:07:44.000 He was saying they use another camera.

02:07:46.000 The other camera is the 7D, and it's a little more...

02:07:49.000 It looks like a film. 1.00

02:07:50.000 You just walk around with it on your neck, and it looks like you're carrying a fucking camera. 0.99

02:07:54.000 That's one of the most shocking things about traveling in Europe, is you realize how much more lax they are on security. 0.99

02:07:59.000 They're much more relaxed.

02:08:00.000 It's much easier to travel there.

02:08:02.000 Oh, I flew in...

02:08:03.000 Very, you know, nice and friendly and easygoing.

02:08:05.000 It's not nearly as investigative as when you land in America.

02:08:09.000 Oh, God.

02:08:10.000 You know? 1.00

02:08:11.000 I fucking... 0.99

02:08:11.000 When I flew from London to L.A., coming out of London was a cakewalk. 0.99

02:08:16.000 But, man, coming into...

02:08:17.000 Here's the worst part is...

02:08:19.000 What was the problem?

02:08:19.000 They asked me a lot of questions?

02:08:21.000 Well, the biggest problem really was I don't...

02:08:23.000 I... Wore so many different outfits in Amsterdam, evening-wise.

02:08:28.000 And I had so many fucking chaotic nights that I didn't know what was in what pocket. 0.64

02:08:32.000 And I literally packed, and I was like, I'm pretty sure I'm clean, but who knows? 0.99

02:08:37.000 Who fucking knows? 0.93

02:08:38.000 And did they know you were coming from Amsterdam? 0.99

02:08:42.000 No, I took a train.

02:08:43.000 I took a train because I don't like flying.

02:08:44.000 I took a train from London to Amsterdam, and then took a train back from Amsterdam to London.

02:08:47.000 And that doesn't show on your...

02:08:50.000 No, they asked where I was and I told them Amsterdam and they said why.

02:08:53.000 I said vacationing.

02:08:54.000 And here's the kicker. 0.99

02:08:55.000 I had like a $30 Cuban cigar and I was like, fuck it, I'll just roll with it. 1.00

02:08:58.000 I'll take it home and smoke it at home. 0.99

02:09:00.000 It's a Cuban cigar, but take the wrapper off. 0.99

02:09:02.000 They'll never fucking know. 0.99

02:09:03.000 And I told my dad and my dad goes, don't fucking do it. 0.99

02:09:06.000 It's a $250,000 fine if they catch you with it. 0.99

02:09:08.000 Well, they can't prove it.

02:09:10.000 They cannot prove it.

02:09:10.000 If you just stick to your guns, you can say it's Dominican.

02:09:13.000 I'm going to fold like a cheap sheet.

02:09:14.000 I'll be like the opposite of Kaiser Soze. 0.99

02:09:16.000 Kaiser Soze, take me away!

02:09:18.000 I didn't mean to!

02:09:19.000 Oh man, I don't even limp!

02:09:22.000 But it's a good cigar, man.

02:09:23.000 Why would you want to give it up to the man?

02:09:25.000 I don't have to give it up. 0.96

02:09:26.000 I don't fucking ruin... 0.99

02:09:27.000 Even if 10 grand, if they said, alright, we'll let you away with 10 grand, it fucking puts a dent in my family. 0.99

02:09:32.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:09:32.000 It is kind of crazy how all the rest of the world is allowed to buy cigars from Cuba. 0.97

02:09:36.000 But not us.

02:09:37.000 And man, it tasted so good. 1.00

02:09:38.000 You assholes, we're still mad at you. 1.00

02:09:40.000 No, they're letting us buy land in Cuba. 1.00

02:09:42.000 Would you buy land in Cuba?

02:09:43.000 Uh, why?

02:09:44.000 Why would I do that?

02:09:45.000 I don't know.

02:09:46.000 I didn't think this through!

02:09:48.000 Overwhelming need to go to Cuba and plant things.

02:09:51.000 If you were in a murder, it would be...

02:09:52.000 I wouldn't buy land anywhere that I wouldn't want to live.

02:09:54.000 Would you?

02:09:55.000 Yeah.

02:09:55.000 Could you imagine living in Cuba?

02:09:57.000 I didn't think it through.

02:09:57.000 What are you, Hemingway?

02:09:58.000 I didn't think it through, okay?

02:09:59.000 Hemingway in the 50s?

02:10:00.000 Yeah.

02:10:01.000 Ready to make your own hotel out there and have the mob come down and run everything again?

02:10:05.000 The good old days. 1.00

02:10:06.000 A lot of people in Cuba, I bet, longed for the good old days when their mob was running shit. 1.00

02:10:10.000 That must have been nuts, man. 0.99

02:10:12.000 Mob run Cuba in the 1950s. 1.00

02:10:14.000 When you think about what those motherfuckers were into back then, Like Kennedy. 0.99

02:10:20.000 How Kennedy almost flaunted his friendships with all these high-level celebrity entertainment figures and all these hot chicks around him all the time. 1.00

02:10:31.000 Talk about rule-less, like lawless.

02:10:33.000 Go to Cuba, right?

02:10:34.000 In the, what, 50s, 60s?

02:10:36.000 Oh, my God.

02:10:36.000 Okay, let's try to think.

02:10:38.000 At what point would they prosecute you? 0.98

02:10:40.000 Like, you could kill someone totally in Cuba back then. 0.79

02:10:42.000 Yeah, of course. 0.95

02:10:42.000 And what do you just say? 0.95

02:10:43.000 I don't know Cuba's history enough to know who...

02:10:47.000 It was the most corrupt.

02:10:48.000 It was the most corrupt before...

02:10:50.000 Before Castro.

02:10:52.000 Even when Castro came in, technically.

02:10:53.000 Eddie Bravo's a huge Castro fan, and so is Joey Diaz.

02:10:56.000 You sit down with Joey Diaz, he'll break it down for you forever about Castro, the good and the bad.

02:11:01.000 Really?

02:11:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:11:02.000 You know, Joey was born in Cuba.

02:11:04.000 He was born in Cuba?

02:11:05.000 Yeah, he was born in Cuba.

02:11:07.000 And came to Miami?

02:11:08.000 Yeah, he came to America when he was really young. 1.00

02:11:10.000 Shut up. 0.99

02:11:11.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

02:11:11.000 Joey Diaz is a real deal. 0.99

02:11:13.000 That's why he doesn't really know how old he is.

02:11:16.000 He really doesn't know how old he is.

02:11:18.000 Yeah, Joey Diaz and Bert Kreischer have a lot in common.

02:11:21.000 You know?

02:11:22.000 You both do. 0.98

02:11:23.000 To be a really, really funny person, there's like a certain level of unconventionality, a certain frequency of I don't give a fuck that has to be reached. 0.97

02:11:34.000 Yeah. 0.68

02:11:34.000 Not everybody can reach that. 0.68

02:11:36.000 So when a guy comes along like you and reaches it like that, you're like, whoa. 0.99

02:11:39.000 He just took a fucking pill from Johnny Knoxville. 0.99

02:11:42.000 He just did 12 shots. 1.00

02:11:44.000 He's the number one party animal for rolling.

02:11:46.000 You know what I mean?

02:11:47.000 There needs to be an event that throws the convention out.

02:11:52.000 After that Rolling Stone article, there was nothing I could do.

02:11:54.000 I wasn't going to get a straight job. 1.00

02:11:56.000 Who the fuck is going to hire a guy that took his shit on a pizza box to win an election? 1.00

02:11:59.000 Guys like that, you're important, man. 1.00

02:12:02.000 It's important for people to push the issue.

02:12:05.000 I never had a happier day in my life.

02:12:07.000 Brian and I were driving to your house or from your house one day, and Joey called Brian, and Brian and they started talking on the speakerphone.

02:12:15.000 Oh, that was uncomfortable because you brought it up.

02:12:18.000 I was in the car, and I just felt like I'm eavesdropping, so I just said, I go, hey...

02:12:22.000 In the middle of...

02:12:22.000 We're talking.

02:12:23.000 I go, hey, Joey.

02:12:23.000 In the middle of...

02:12:24.000 He goes, hey, wait, Joey Diaz.

02:12:25.000 I just want you to know I'm in the car.

02:12:26.000 I'm in the car.

02:12:27.000 I just want you to know I don't like...

02:12:28.000 God forbid they go and, you know...

02:12:29.000 Right.

02:12:30.000 Who was on the podcast today? 1.00

02:12:31.000 The guy wants to suck my dick. 1.00

02:12:33.000 I see him. 1.00

02:12:33.000 I see his eyes. 1.00

02:12:34.000 But it was... 1.00

02:12:35.000 I don't want to make him suck my dick. 1.00

02:12:36.000 But I've listened to him so much on the podcast, I go, I'm just saying, Joey, I'm in the car, I just want you to know that. 1.00

02:12:41.000 And Joey Diaz just real smooth goes, the machine!

02:12:45.000 And I was like, the machine! 0.99

02:12:48.000 Fucking great. 0.98

02:12:50.000 You know, you and him have a lot in common. 0.96

02:12:53.000 Speaker phone's weird, though, like that, right, though?

02:12:54.000 Do you get calls a lot, Joe, when you're like, you have to announce it to the caller?

02:12:57.000 I always do, yeah. 0.98

02:12:58.000 I don't want everybody to say something fucked up. 1.00

02:13:01.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:13:01.000 I always tell my wife not to say the N-word. 1.00

02:13:03.000 Yeah, it's important.

02:13:06.000 Unfortunately, you already said that on a previous video blog.

02:13:09.000 Oh, did I? Yeah.

02:13:10.000 Fuck, let's get that fight video up for Big Joe Davey. 1.00

02:13:14.000 Alright. 1.00

02:13:15.000 No, let's shoot mine. 0.99

02:13:17.000 Oh, your video? 1.00

02:13:18.000 I'm ready to fucking challenge him. 0.97

02:13:20.000 What would be your stance? 1.00

02:13:22.000 That he's a dirty, no good bastard? 1.00

02:13:24.000 No, I'm gonna go to... 1.00

02:13:26.000 Oh, is this them fighting?

02:13:28.000 This is the video you told me to search for earlier, Bert.

02:13:31.000 No, this isn't it.

02:13:32.000 This isn't it.

02:13:33.000 That seems like a cool fight video.

02:13:35.000 Yeah, it does. 0.99

02:13:36.000 If you just type in Pikey, you'll find so much great shit. 1.00

02:13:39.000 I watched Snatch the other day. 0.99

02:13:40.000 Snatch still holds up.

02:13:41.000 Snatch?

02:13:41.000 Is it gay if you put a picture of shirtless Brad Pitt in Fight Club in your man cave so it inspires you to work out harder?

02:13:48.000 Absolutely not.

02:13:49.000 That's what I'm talking about.

02:13:50.000 That movie is awesome.

02:13:51.000 Not that I'm doing that, but I have a friend.

02:13:53.000 Who's thinking about doing it?

02:13:54.000 I think it's awesome.

02:13:55.000 Do you love him as the ideal build?

02:13:58.000 Is that what it is?

02:13:58.000 I'd love to look like that.

02:14:00.000 Why can't you do it?

02:14:02.000 I'm trying.

02:14:02.000 I'm trying hard.

02:14:03.000 Just work out like a maniac. 1.00

02:14:04.000 I'm working out fucking like crazy. 0.99

02:14:06.000 I'm not eating vegetables. 0.99

02:14:06.000 Very lean, grass-fed meat. 0.99

02:14:08.000 Thanksgiving kind of threw a wrench in my plan. 1.00

02:14:09.000 Work out like a fucking savage. 0.99

02:14:10.000 Lift a lot of weights. 1.00

02:14:11.000 Trick your body into thinking that it has to do this all the time. 0.99

02:14:13.000 I did bench press in a fucking hotel the other day in New York. 0.99

02:14:15.000 Really? 1.00

02:14:16.000 Fucking pounded it out. 1.00

02:14:17.000 I'm high school strong. 1.00

02:14:18.000 Damn. 0.99

02:14:19.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:14:19.000 Really? 0.99

02:14:19.000 Like 135? 0.99

02:14:20.000 I'll do that shit 10 times. 1.00

02:14:21.000 Whoa! 1.00

02:14:21.000 10 times? 1.00

02:14:22.000 10 times.

02:14:22.000 Now what are you going to do?

02:14:23.000 You're going to commit to a serious weightlifting program?

02:14:27.000 Weightlifting and running. 0.99

02:14:28.000 I'm running hard as shit for an hour. 0.99

02:14:30.000 And I'm lifting weights. 0.99

02:14:31.000 Really?

02:14:31.000 Push-ups.

02:14:32.000 Plank.

02:14:33.000 I just want my body to be...

02:14:34.000 I've got to get my blood pressure lower.

02:14:36.000 And I just want to be healthy.

02:14:38.000 I don't want to be a fat old man.

02:14:39.000 I want to live...

02:14:40.000 I want to look...

02:14:41.000 I don't want to look skinny.

02:14:42.000 I don't want to look perfect.

02:14:43.000 But I want to look like...

02:14:44.000 I want to take my shirt off at the beach and go...

02:14:45.000 I bet he has an active lifestyle.

02:14:47.000 You know what I mean?

02:14:49.000 Right.

02:14:49.000 Instead of saying...

02:14:50.000 Like, I saw the way your belt...

02:14:51.000 Like, when you showed your tattoo, your belt doesn't...

02:14:55.000 It holds your pants up.

02:14:56.000 It doesn't define your waistline.

02:14:59.000 Like, does that make sense?

02:15:00.000 I see what you're saying.

02:15:01.000 Like, my belt cuts into my fat.

02:15:05.000 Yeah, me too.

02:15:05.000 On my pubis and my stomach.

02:15:07.000 Sometimes it bleeds and you have to put a little Neosporin on it.

02:15:10.000 It cuts into you.

02:15:11.000 It's corn syrup!

02:15:12.000 It's the government!

02:15:13.000 It's corn syrup!

02:15:14.000 The government!

02:15:15.000 Corn syrup!

02:15:17.000 It's cholesterol!

02:15:18.000 Trans fats! 0.91

02:15:21.000 That's what it is, man. 1.00

02:15:22.000 It's the government keeping it fat and stupid. 1.00

02:15:24.000 And no time in history have people been fatter. 1.00

02:15:26.000 I don't think there's ever been a time in history where the larger numbers of people have been fat.

02:15:30.000 Like in this country, the numbers are gigantic.

02:15:32.000 That's why fat menus get respect in the 20s. 0.97

02:15:34.000 When you were Buster Keaton and you were fat, they're like, how did you do that?

02:15:36.000 That's why you were a movie star.

02:15:38.000 Like, hey!

02:15:40.000 Babe Ruth, I'm here, everybody!

02:15:42.000 Everyone's like, he must have a lot of money.

02:15:43.000 Yep, Babe Ruth was eating steaks and hot dogs and drinking beer. 1.00

02:15:47.000 Fuck, yeah. 1.00

02:15:47.000 He's living high on the hog. 1.00

02:15:49.000 And then now you're just fat. 0.91

02:15:50.000 It looks like you're poor and don't care. 0.56

02:15:52.000 It looks like you're just unhealthy and then you just have a poor diet.

02:15:56.000 Yeah, it has no connection with your personality anymore.

02:15:58.000 It's such a direct connection between what you put into your body and how your body feels, man.

02:16:02.000 And some people just...

02:16:03.000 I have friends...

02:16:04.000 I got a buddy who's on antidepressants and he eats terrible. 1.00

02:16:07.000 His fucking diet's awful. 1.00

02:16:08.000 I think it's lack of women. 1.00

02:16:10.000 I think, like, in the old days, you used to have a wife and they used to cook for you, like, these nice meals and stuff.

02:16:14.000 To me, half the time, I'm like, okay, Jack in the Box is open.

02:16:18.000 Subway is still open.

02:16:19.000 You know, it's more of like I'm more rushing around.

02:16:21.000 If I were to come home like, oh, family dinner style, you have the kitchen table, and she's like, oh, I made a casserole. 0.99

02:16:28.000 And you're like, wow, that's nice.

02:16:29.000 You've been watching too many Patty Duke movies.

02:16:32.000 No, that's how I grew up.

02:16:33.000 That's how you grew up.

02:16:34.000 That's how I grew up.

02:16:35.000 I had family dinner every day.

02:16:37.000 We all sat at the table.

02:16:38.000 Well, people still have family dinners, bro, and they're super unhealthy.

02:16:41.000 I mean, a family dinner doesn't necessarily make it healthy.

02:16:44.000 What the real problem is, is most people have terrible diets.

02:16:47.000 It's the woman in the house is what I'm saying.

02:16:48.000 The living in the house certainly helps, man.

02:16:49.000 That definitely helps.

02:16:50.000 If you live with someone, if you have kids even, you know, you all like have good food in the house.

02:16:55.000 You know, you want to make sure everything's supplied. 0.97

02:16:56.000 When I lived alone, like I ate out every fucking night of the week. 0.97

02:17:00.000 Oh, if I lived alone, I'd be in great shape. 0.98

02:17:01.000 Yeah, when I lived alone, I was just a comedian on a TV show.

02:17:05.000 Egg whites in the morning, Subway in the afternoon.

02:17:08.000 Restaurants everywhere.

02:17:09.000 Really?

02:17:09.000 Restaurants everywhere for breakfast, lunch, dinner.

02:17:11.000 I would keep some food at home just to eat when I was starving or if I was writing or something like that.

02:17:15.000 For the most part, I just went somewhere to eat.

02:17:17.000 Why would I cook? 1.00

02:17:18.000 I don't have time for that shit. 1.00

02:17:19.000 What's the one thing you miss about being single the most? 1.00

02:17:21.000 Pussy! 1.00

02:17:24.000 New Pussy? 1.00

02:17:27.000 I don't miss New Pussy at all. 1.00

02:17:28.000 No. 0.99

02:17:29.000 Not in the fucking slightest. 0.88

02:17:30.000 Because there was always a... 0.96

02:17:32.000 I had to do a song and dance to explain why that didn't go the way they thought it would.

02:17:36.000 Like, I would never...

02:17:37.000 Oh, that's so sad.

02:17:39.000 I never... 0.99

02:17:40.000 That first New Pussy experience you had where you would go in and you'd get on top and you were like, alright, this is gonna happen really fast. 0.99

02:17:46.000 You knew that in your head. 0.99

02:17:47.000 You're like, the whole thing I'm trying to do is make this not...

02:17:50.000 Prolong this moment so that she thinks it's somewhat enjoyable.

02:17:54.000 The only good parts about being single are that you can have sex with more than one person.

02:17:59.000 The only bad parts of being single are that you're lonely and you're single and it's way better to have a relationship.

02:18:04.000 It's way better. 0.99

02:18:05.000 But the problem is we're fucking wired to want to have sex with other women. 0.95

02:18:09.000 So life becomes a matter of managing your desires and managing which ones manifest themselves into the real world because they can cause a lot of negative energy, and they can cause a lot of arguments, and they can cause a lot of lonely nights. 0.90

02:18:24.000 You've got to look at what is the most logical plan of attack to have a happy life, and what is the most logical attempt to have a wild, chaotic, rollercoaster ride of...

02:18:38.000 Those chaotic nights were awesome, though.

02:18:40.000 Those are great, man. 1.00

02:18:41.000 Where you're standing on top of a corner of a building in New York and the sun's coming up and you've got a fucking girl from Liverpool next to you whose tongue sucks at the bottom of her mouth. 0.99

02:18:48.000 And she's like, oh, I need more than another pack of cigarettes. 0.99

02:18:51.000 What time's the store open? 1.00

02:18:52.000 That fucking shit. 1.00

02:18:53.000 When you find yourself fucking in a parking lot in the middle of downtown Manhattan, you find yourself just doing crazy shit. 1.00

02:19:00.000 Yeah, but, you know, ultimately, it's fun, but the real problem with being single, the real problem is meeting cool people. 0.99

02:19:08.000 It is fucking hard, man.

02:19:10.000 It is hard to find the real person. 0.97

02:19:12.000 You gotta go out with them for a while.

02:19:14.000 You gotta talk about controversial subjects.

02:19:16.000 You have to, you know, you have to get to know them and know how their brain is structured. 1.00

02:19:20.000 You suffer a lot of fucking fools when you're single. 1.00

02:19:23.000 Oh my goodness, you do. 1.00

02:19:24.000 Buy a nickel for every crazy bitch. 1.00

02:19:26.000 Nonsense talk and, you know, I watched this guy on a date once and I'll never forget this. 1.00

02:19:32.000 They were at a table next to us and the guy was talking with this girl and the girl's talking about her dog and how her dog is so used to the finest automobiles and Mercedes-Benz and you know she was like going off about her dog that if she ever tried to bring her dog in a taxi cab she doesn't think her dog would go in and she was like It was just chaos.

02:19:54.000 Oh my god.

02:19:55.000 And I was just imagining. 1.00

02:19:56.000 Could you imagine if you got just stuck sitting down next to this fucking dummy and you're actually having this conversation? 0.99

02:20:03.000 And she's not being a joke. 0.99

02:20:04.000 She's not being ironic.

02:20:05.000 She's not being hilarious. 0.99

02:20:06.000 That could be a hilarious statement if you're being a silly person, just joking around. 0.98

02:20:11.000 She wasn't joking around. 0.98

02:20:13.000 She was bragging about all the finest automobiles that her dog rides in. 0.99

02:20:17.000 Oh my god.

02:20:18.000 And it was just like, what kind of nonsense conversation would you have with this person?

02:20:22.000 That's the real issue with being single, is people don't want to be single. 0.94

02:20:25.000 You want to have someone that you can spend time with, but what are the odds of finding someone who's actually fucking cool? 0.96

02:20:32.000 I mean, I met fucking 100 uncool people before I met someone cool. 0.96

02:20:35.000 Of course. 0.98

02:20:36.000 And then it's also a matter of what you bring out of that person and what that person brings out of you.

02:20:40.000 Because you'll behave completely different in one relationship than another.

02:20:44.000 In one relationship, you're a totally different guy.

02:20:46.000 I was bad in all my relationships.

02:20:48.000 Cheated. 1.00

02:20:48.000 Fucking yelled. 1.00

02:20:50.000 I wasn't a good guy. 1.00

02:20:52.000 I didn't listen. 0.99

02:20:53.000 Didn't give a shit. 0.99

02:20:54.000 And then when I met my wife, things just changed for the better. 0.99

02:20:56.000 And I was like, alright. 0.98

02:20:57.000 I remember thinking to myself, I stayed single for a long time and then I was like, I'm the fucking problem in all of these failed relationships. 0.98

02:21:04.000 I'm the Charlie Sheen. 0.99

02:21:05.000 Well, to be a Bert Kreischer, to be the fucking party animal, you know, you're going to crack a few eggs and make an omelette. 0.99

02:21:13.000 You're going to piss on a dining room table every now and then. 1.00

02:21:16.000 Fucking shit's got to go. 1.00

02:21:17.000 Sometimes you've got to rob a fucking train. 1.00

02:21:19.000 Listen, that's the only way you make a guy who's as funny as you are in this form of the podcast. 0.99

02:21:24.000 You know, these stories, these brilliant stories. 0.82

02:21:26.000 You have to, I mean, your funny on stage comes from years of craft and working on it and writing and performing and stuff, but your ability to just tell these fucking stories on the podcast, that's why you were created the way you were created. 0.96

02:21:40.000 That's why your life's been so chaotic and insane. 0.99

02:21:43.000 It's to create this amazing product because a diamond doesn't get made unless you have a mountain pressing up against a piece of coal and You're fucking smushing the shit out of me for a million years. 1.00

02:21:53.000 That's how you make a fucking diamond. 0.99

02:21:55.000 You don't make a Burt Kreischer with a normal childhood. 1.00

02:21:59.000 No alcohol.

02:22:00.000 No drugs.

02:22:01.000 And when they say, do you want a shot?

02:22:03.000 You say, no thanks.

02:22:03.000 I think I'm going to get some sleep.

02:22:04.000 No.

02:22:05.000 When someone gives you a pill, they give you two pills.

02:22:07.000 You're at least going to swallow one. 0.99

02:22:09.000 I can't not fucking hang with the guy. 0.99

02:22:11.000 I've got to take one. 0.99

02:22:12.000 You're at least swallowing one, man. 0.99

02:22:13.000 You're not completely fucking around here. 0.99

02:22:16.000 The best part about Johnny Knoxville is I ran into him at California Chicken Cafe one day. 0.98

02:22:20.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:22:20.000 Like fucking five years later. 0.98

02:22:22.000 And I was sitting there and he walks in. 0.99

02:22:23.000 Obviously, he's famous at the time.

02:22:24.000 He's been doing movies.

02:22:25.000 And he walks in.

02:22:25.000 I go, Johnny Knoxville.

02:22:27.000 And he looks at me real quick and he goes, Burt Kreischer. 1.00

02:22:29.000 I went, shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:22:31.000 And he goes, the number one party animal in the country. 1.00

02:22:33.000 Oh my God. 1.00

02:22:33.000 What the fuck are you doing out here? 1.00

02:22:35.000 He remembered you. 1.00

02:22:35.000 Totally. 1.00

02:22:36.000 He is the fucking greatest guy. 0.98

02:22:38.000 Wow. 1.00

02:22:39.000 And his whole fucking posse was at California Chicken Cafe. 1.00

02:22:41.000 And I was like... 0.99

02:22:42.000 Oh, I wonder if he'll invite me over to meet him.

02:22:44.000 I want to meet Steve-O. That's awesome.

02:22:47.000 Has he ever done stand-up?

02:22:48.000 No.

02:22:50.000 He could tell stories.

02:22:52.000 Yeah, he seems like he could do stand-up.

02:22:53.000 He should do the podcast.

02:22:55.000 Oh, it would be awesome. 0.97

02:22:55.000 Steve-O was fucking awesome, man. 0.97

02:22:57.000 Was he? 0.97

02:22:57.000 I couldn't find that one. 0.97

02:22:59.000 Dude, it was in the Ice House Chronicles, number three.

02:23:01.000 You need to subscribe to Death Squad, bird. 0.99

02:23:03.000 Dude, Steve-O was, first of all, he's cool as fuck, but second of all, his fucking experiences, dude, he was on a tree, and a lion climbed up the tree and got on top of him. 0.99

02:23:12.000 I saw that on TV, and that was the craziest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. 0.99

02:23:16.000 And I tamed lions, but I saw that, and I went, I tamed lions. 0.99

02:23:21.000 You did what?

02:23:22.000 A Damed Lions for Bert the Conqueror.

02:23:24.000 You did?

02:23:24.000 Yeah, I was Tamed Lions.

02:23:25.000 Did you have a video of that?

02:23:25.000 No, we shot it, but it never aired.

02:23:27.000 Why not?

02:23:28.000 The show got canceled right after that.

02:23:30.000 We shot that, the Fightin' the Bear and then Tamin' the Lions, and then the show got canceled.

02:23:33.000 Wow.

02:23:34.000 The guy tells me, he goes...

02:23:36.000 How long ago was this?

02:23:38.000 Seven years ago.

02:23:40.000 Seven, I guess.

02:23:42.000 2004. So does this video exist?

02:23:45.000 Mark Cronin has it somewhere, I'm sure. 0.99

02:23:47.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00

02:23:47.000 Release that shit on the internet. 1.00

02:23:48.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

02:23:49.000 It was a bizarre fucking Taming Lions was a nightmare. 1.00

02:23:52.000 So you have video of you with a full-grown lion? 1.00

02:23:55.000 Like an actual... 1.00

02:23:56.000 Fucking three full-grown lions. 1.00

02:23:57.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:23:58.000 Three full-grown lions and he brings them out.

02:24:00.000 How do we get a hold of this?

02:24:01.000 Mark Cronin.

02:24:01.000 Let's get a hold of Mark Cronin.

02:24:02.000 Do you know him?

02:24:02.000 Yeah, I know Mark.

02:24:03.000 I mean, do you have his phone number?

02:24:05.000 Do you have his email address?

02:24:06.000 I know Mark Cronin.

02:24:06.000 He was my boss for like...

02:24:07.000 He did produce the X show.

02:24:09.000 On FX. People would love to see that video.

02:24:11.000 Put that video on YouTube. 0.98

02:24:11.000 Me fighting the bear and getting fucking raped by a bear, and then me taming three lions. 0.98

02:24:16.000 How much money do you think, if that got a million hits, how much money do you think that someone would make if they had those YouTube ads? 0.96

02:24:23.000 We've got a million hits.

02:24:24.000 I don't know.

02:24:25.000 That's a really good question.

02:24:26.000 Because I heard that like Rebecca Black chick, that girl that made that Friday, Friday song that everybody hated. 1.00

02:24:31.000 She's got a Blu-ray player.

02:24:31.000 But it had like an unbelievable number of views.

02:24:34.000 Like something like 35 million plus.

02:24:37.000 I mean, it's insane.

02:24:37.000 But what's the...

02:24:38.000 You know who would know is...

02:24:39.000 What's his name?

02:24:40.000 John...

02:24:40.000 It's good.

02:24:41.000 LeJoy.

02:24:42.000 John LeJoy would know.

02:24:43.000 He would totally know.

02:24:43.000 I don't think he's going to tell you how much money he's making.

02:24:45.000 Yeah, I wonder, man, because I would think that if you could get millions of hits, boy, that's probably...

02:24:51.000 Fox owns the rights to that video, though.

02:24:53.000 Fox owns the rights?

02:24:54.000 Fox owns all of it.

02:24:55.000 I asked them to do a DVD. Well, I'm saying for them to release it and put an ad on it, they could make some money.

02:25:01.000 Why not?

02:25:01.000 Maybe it would be worth it for them to do it that way.

02:25:03.000 I was just thinking, how much does a million hits pay in a YouTube ad?

02:25:09.000 I don't know.

02:25:10.000 I have no clue.

02:25:11.000 It's interesting that that's sort of becoming...

02:25:13.000 How many hits did you get on the Muncio one?

02:25:15.000 It's almost becoming sort of a democratic version of a television channel, really, when you think about it.

02:25:19.000 I mean, you really...

02:25:20.000 I don't want to say democratic, but an open version of it.

02:25:24.000 Because it's like...

02:25:24.000 There's guys like our friend from the message board, that DCIGS kid.

02:25:29.000 That guy's videos have millions of hits, right?

02:25:32.000 Doesn't he?

02:25:33.000 Mm-hmm.

02:25:34.000 Millions.

02:25:34.000 Millions of hits.

02:25:35.000 And he's got ads on those.

02:25:37.000 So, I mean, you've got to be making a few dollars here and there.

02:25:39.000 I don't know how much it is, but essentially, this is like one step in a multi-step process of exactly what we're doing here.

02:25:47.000 The podcast. 0.89

02:25:48.000 Being able to make your own shit and not need a travel channel or an NBC or anything to produce something. 0.89

02:25:56.000 You could do it all Through the online, and having it online actually reaches more people than the networks. 0.95

02:26:02.000 It's eventually going to happen.

02:26:04.000 I mean, how many times do you watch something in full screen on your laptop or on your desktop now?

02:26:09.000 Like a YouTube video, and you see it, and it's like, cool definition, right?

02:26:12.000 I watched the first four episodes of Pan Am on my computer, and I was like...

02:26:16.000 I watched Cotto Margarita.

02:26:19.000 There's a fight that's coming up, and they had that 24-7, and I watched it on YouTube.

02:26:24.000 The HBO Go.

02:26:24.000 If you go to HBO Go on your iPad, you can watch anything that's ever been on HBO. Anything.

02:26:30.000 For free.

02:26:31.000 Wow. 0.99

02:26:31.000 I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? 0.99

02:26:33.000 I went down and watched the entire last, all the fights, all the fucking, all the 24-7s. 0.99

02:26:38.000 What is it again? 0.99

02:26:38.000 HBO what? 0.99

02:26:39.000 HBO Go.

02:26:40.000 You have to have, obviously, you have to have an HBO subscription.

02:26:42.000 Right.

02:26:42.000 But you just log in.

02:26:44.000 Oh my gosh. 0.99

02:26:45.000 And you can watch anything they ever, Bored to Death, Entourage, fucking Boardwalk Empire, Sopranos. 0.99

02:26:52.000 Kali Specials? 0.98

02:26:53.000 Everyone's comedy specials. 1.00

02:26:54.000 God damn! 0.99

02:26:54.000 Anything that's on there, you can watch it. 0.99

02:26:56.000 And I'm like, how the fuck does Showtime not have that? 0.76

02:26:58.000 How does Cinemax not have that? 0.89

02:26:59.000 That is one of the greatest...

02:27:00.000 I'm sure eventually they will.

02:27:02.000 It's just HBO got there first. 0.99

02:27:03.000 Man, HBO's on top of that shit because I'll put that on my iPad and go on the elliptical. 0.98

02:27:07.000 I know that sounds kind of busy, but I go on the elliptical and watch... 0.99

02:27:09.000 Elliptical's better than running.

02:27:10.000 Yeah, it's better on my knees.

02:27:12.000 Smart.

02:27:12.000 And you can go hard, man.

02:27:13.000 Yeah.

02:27:14.000 You can go hard with the elliptical.

02:27:15.000 Or very casual and watch Bored to Death.

02:27:17.000 Is that what you do?

02:27:17.000 Yeah, sometimes.

02:27:18.000 So...

02:27:19.000 But man, it's the best.

02:27:21.000 It just streams live.

02:27:21.000 My daughters, this is how crazy this has happened.

02:27:24.000 My daughters, we have fucking more TVs in our house than we could ever. 1.00

02:27:27.000 We have two in the man cave, three in the house. 0.99

02:27:30.000 My daughters sit in front of the computer every morning in my wife's little office and watch Netflix. 0.71

02:27:35.000 They stream Netflix.

02:27:36.000 This is the next stage.

02:27:36.000 We need to set up a podcast.

02:27:39.000 Headquarters inside Burt Kreischer's man cave.

02:27:42.000 Let's do it!

02:27:44.000 I'm in.

02:27:44.000 I'll pay for it, Brian.

02:27:45.000 You set it up.

02:27:46.000 Brian's not going to set it up.

02:27:47.000 He's too busy.

02:27:47.000 Stop it.

02:27:48.000 You're going to have to get your own guy.

02:27:49.000 You're going to get your own Brian.

02:27:50.000 But we'll set up...

02:27:51.000 Just hang out at karaoke bars in North Korea.

02:27:53.000 Karaoke bars are a great place to start.

02:27:55.000 A lot of good sound guys go to karaoke bars.

02:27:58.000 Get a setup so you could just podcast anytime you want.

02:28:02.000 So you're sitting at home, you hide in your man cave at 1 o'clock in the morning, have a couple of beers by yourself.

02:28:07.000 You could just start talking into a microphone.

02:28:10.000 Just start ranting.

02:28:11.000 And can you stream it live, right?

02:28:13.000 Sure.

02:28:13.000 You can stream it.

02:28:14.000 Absolutely.

02:28:14.000 It's a beautiful set.

02:28:15.000 You can stream it and you can do it just like we're doing it here.

02:28:17.000 I'm doing it.

02:28:17.000 It also goes to mp3.

02:28:18.000 I'm buying a Zoom, baby.

02:28:20.000 Let's name it.

02:28:21.000 You're buying a Zoom?

02:28:22.000 Did you say you're buying a Zoom?

02:28:23.000 Not a Zoom.

02:28:24.000 It's a Zoom.

02:28:26.000 I'm buying a Zoom.

02:28:26.000 Zoom is the MP3 recorder, bro.

02:28:29.000 It's the one that Ari Shafir uses.

02:28:31.000 And then I'm getting a...

02:28:31.000 And I got a good camera right now.

02:28:33.000 Set up it up.

02:28:34.000 One shot.

02:28:36.000 What do we name it?

02:28:37.000 Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say.

02:28:39.000 What do we call this thing?

02:28:40.000 The machine in the man cave?

02:28:42.000 That's not bad.

02:28:43.000 That's not bad. 0.98

02:28:44.000 Machine in the Man Cave is not fucking bad. 0.98

02:28:46.000 The only thing I would think of is you would want people to be able to, well, what the fuck with Marc Maron? 0.98

02:28:52.000 Machine in the Man Cave with Burt Kreischer? 0.82

02:28:54.000 I don't know if I want people finding Burt Kreischer.

02:28:56.000 Because I don't know if Travel Channel is going to be fucking super happy about me making another TV show.

02:29:01.000 It's not another TV show. 0.89

02:29:03.000 It's an internet podcast.

02:29:04.000 You're not getting paid for it.

02:29:05.000 You're doing it for your fans. 0.99

02:29:06.000 You're doing it because you're an entertaining motherfucker and people want to hear you talk all the time. 0.99

02:29:10.000 And look, what we're doing right now, there's a lot of people right now that are in their cars. 0.99

02:29:15.000 There's a lot of people at the gym.

02:29:16.000 There's a lot of people that are making some boring-ass commute.

02:29:18.000 A lot of people taking the train into New York or back out to Jersey.

02:29:21.000 Exactly.

02:29:22.000 Sitting outside of a woman's house. 1.00

02:29:23.000 It's boring as fuck. 1.00

02:29:25.000 It drives them nuts. 1.00

02:29:26.000 And you can bring a little joy.

02:29:27.000 I'm doing it.

02:29:29.000 I'm doing it in my man cave. 0.99

02:29:30.000 And I am getting on this shit before I go back on the road to Chicago. 1.00

02:29:34.000 There you go. 1.00

02:29:35.000 I'm getting on this shit. 1.00

02:29:36.000 I'm making it happen. 1.00

02:29:36.000 So the machine in his man cave. 1.00

02:29:38.000 I don't know.

02:29:39.000 I don't know.

02:29:39.000 Don't worry.

02:29:39.000 But the Travel Channel is only going to like it because it's only going to promote your show more.

02:29:43.000 Yeah.

02:29:44.000 You know, it's like, why would it hurt?

02:29:46.000 It's not going to hurt, bro.

02:29:47.000 Hopefully it's just like it on Facebook.

02:29:49.000 Yeah, dude.

02:29:51.000 Your online presence right now is just starting to blossom. 0.99

02:29:56.000 If you had your own podcast, you'd be straight running shit, Bert Kreischer! 0.99

02:30:00.000 Am I right, Brian? 1.00

02:30:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:30:03.000 You're a bad motherfucker, Bert Kreischer! 1.00

02:30:04.000 I think you should just do it here, though. 1.00

02:30:06.000 I don't think you should do it in your man cave.

02:30:08.000 Well, you can do it here.

02:30:10.000 It's the easiest way to do it.

02:30:11.000 I like to be a little buzzed if I'm going to do it sometimes.

02:30:14.000 That's what the couch is for.

02:30:15.000 Yeah, I know, but what am I, spend the night here?

02:30:17.000 You want to cuddle with Brian?

02:30:18.000 Sorry, girls. 0.99

02:30:19.000 Daddy's a death squad.

02:30:20.000 I can't make it home. 0.90

02:30:21.000 You know how cool that sentence sounds?

02:30:23.000 Do it.

02:30:24.000 Daddy's a Death Squad? 0.99

02:30:25.000 Daddy's a Death Squad. 0.82

02:30:26.000 That's awesome.

02:30:27.000 Because people always ask, where does Death Squad name come from?

02:30:30.000 You guys call yourselves the Death Squad. 1.00

02:30:32.000 That's the greatest shit ever. 1.00

02:30:33.000 Opie. 1.00

02:30:34.000 Yeah, Opie from Opie and Anthony.

02:30:35.000 I came into the studio and it was with my friend Eddie Bravo.

02:30:40.000 Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt.

02:30:42.000 First American to ever tap at Gracie.

02:30:45.000 I saw that fight.

02:30:47.000 Tate Fletcher, 205 pound fighter from The Ultimate Fighter.

02:30:52.000 I was there.

02:30:53.000 Yeah, Brian was there and he's obviously a killer. 0.96

02:30:55.000 I filmed it.

02:30:56.000 I probably have it on film. 0.53

02:30:57.000 And so, you know, Opie looks at me and goes, it's Joe Rogan, brother, and the death squad, you know, and we just started joking around, yeah, bro, with the death squad, like, just as a goof, and it became, now it's like one of those words, like, you hear it, you know, you hear death squad, and you go, that is the douchiest, most aggro, dumb, but to us, it doesn't even have that same meaning anymore.

02:31:19.000 And that's why the logo bounces it out.

02:31:21.000 Yeah, the logo with the cat.

02:31:22.000 It's like when you and your friends...

02:31:24.000 Now it's just a name.

02:31:25.000 When you and your friends heard a bunch of douchebags saying, like, bro-ham at spring break, and then you started calling each other bro-ham as a joke, and then all of a sudden you start calling each other bro-ham for real.

02:31:35.000 Yeah. 0.65

02:31:35.000 You're like, bro-ham. 0.65

02:31:36.000 And he's like, what's up, bro-ham?

02:31:37.000 Oh, no. 1.00

02:31:38.000 And then you're like, oh, fuck, no, we're those guys. 1.00

02:31:39.000 We're those guys. 1.00

02:31:40.000 We're one of those random white guys.

02:31:42.000 I'm doing it, Joe. 0.70

02:31:43.000 That squad sounds the douchiest thing ever, but it's just a group of nice people.

02:31:47.000 Yeah.

02:31:48.000 It's a group of nice people that want to make you laugh.

02:31:50.000 I don't know why that's so douchey.

02:31:53.000 See, the douchey name just sort of balances it out.

02:31:55.000 Otherwise, we'd be too fey.

02:31:57.000 We'd be taken advantage of.

02:31:58.000 People would stomp all over us.

02:31:59.000 They wouldn't fear us, Bert Kreischer.

02:32:01.000 People fear us.

02:32:02.000 Bert Kreischer, if there's any message you want to give to the young people of the world, what is it?

02:32:07.000 What have you learned in your time on this planet, my friend?

02:32:12.000 Just take half.

02:32:13.000 Just take half?

02:32:15.000 Yeah.

02:32:15.000 Don't try to overdo it with drugs.

02:32:17.000 Just take one.

02:32:18.000 Just take half.

02:32:19.000 Just take one.

02:32:20.000 If Johnny Knox will give you two, take one.

02:32:23.000 That's sound advice, sir.

02:32:24.000 Sound advice. 1.00

02:32:25.000 My advice would be, pretend you're taking it, spit that bitch in a glass, wait a few hours to see if anybody dies. 1.00

02:32:32.000 See how many people die. 0.99

02:32:33.000 But the problem is then when you do take it, if nobody dies, then unfortunately you're going to be like last one to the party.

02:32:38.000 You know, you last one to the K-hole. 1.00

02:32:39.000 Oh, man.

02:32:40.000 Everybody will be coming out and you'll be sliding in. 0.98

02:32:42.000 One time, this is fucking right after college. 0.97

02:32:48.000 We go to a strip club. 0.97

02:32:50.000 I'm living in New York.

02:32:50.000 We go to a strip club.

02:32:51.000 Everybody's getting married in Atlanta.

02:32:53.000 And everyone gets ecstasy.

02:32:54.000 So we go to this bus. 0.99

02:32:56.000 This big fucking party bus. 0.99

02:32:57.000 And we're going to the strip clubs in the hood. 1.00

02:32:59.000 In the swats.

02:33:00.000 And it was just when Outkast came on with that song.

02:33:04.000 Everybody move to the back of the bus.

02:33:06.000 And they were playing that on repeat.

02:33:06.000 And everyone took Ecstasy.

02:33:08.000 And everyone was taking it.

02:33:10.000 And they gave me one.

02:33:11.000 And I was like, oh, I'm going to take it.

02:33:13.000 And then the last minute I went, I'm not going to take it.

02:33:15.000 I don't want to take Ecstasy tonight.

02:33:16.000 I think I'm cool. 0.99

02:33:17.000 And then 35 minutes, everyone started fucking going flipper. 0.99

02:33:20.000 Just... 0.99

02:33:21.000 And passing out.

02:33:23.000 And they were moving bodies.

02:33:25.000 Flipper.

02:33:26.000 Like seizing.

02:33:28.000 Like having seizures. 0.99

02:33:30.000 And they go fucking fall down. 0.99

02:33:31.000 Fishing out. 0.99

02:33:32.000 You just had an instinct to not take this.

02:33:34.000 I remember I was in the bathroom.

02:33:35.000 I had it in my hand.

02:33:36.000 And I was just like, I don't want to take XC, man.

02:33:39.000 I was past that phase of my life. 0.98

02:33:41.000 And I was like, I'm not going to fucking take XC. But they had given it to me. 0.96

02:33:44.000 And I was like, I have it in my hand.

02:33:45.000 Dude, that could have changed your life.

02:33:46.000 You could have got brain damage from that. 1.00

02:33:48.000 Well, all my friends now are fucking stockbrokers. 1.00

02:33:50.000 There you go. 1.00

02:33:51.000 Brain damage. 1.00

02:33:52.000 They're all goddamn psychopaths. 1.00

02:33:53.000 They're all responsible for the corruption that has led to the downfall of this great economy. 1.00

02:33:58.000 Goddammit, Bert Kreischer. 0.96

02:34:00.000 But yeah, I dodged that bullet.

02:34:03.000 Make your contribution to the world, Bert Kreischer.

02:34:05.000 Buy American cars.

02:34:06.000 Do you buy American cars?

02:34:06.000 I have a Ford out there.

02:34:07.000 Good for you. 0.99

02:34:08.000 That's what I'm fucking talking about. 1.00

02:34:10.000 Sink that shit. 1.00

02:34:11.000 I really would like to go all American. 1.00

02:34:13.000 What are you driving today?

02:34:15.000 Today I got my BMW. You have a Ford Mustang.

02:34:18.000 It's my favorite car.

02:34:19.000 It's my most silly car, but my favorite car.

02:34:22.000 But the next Mustang I'm going to get is a hardtop. 0.86

02:34:23.000 The ragtop freaks me out. 1.00

02:34:26.000 The fact that the fucking meteor could just hit you on the head. 1.00

02:34:30.000 The odds of that happening are very slim. 1.00

02:34:34.000 Who cares about that?

02:34:36.000 The hardtop's not going to do anything.

02:34:41.000 It sounds like it's a top of Meteor.

02:34:43.000 It's also...

02:34:44.000 Good thing I had a hard top.

02:34:46.000 Well, it'll lessen the blow.

02:34:49.000 Perhaps.

02:34:50.000 It's Tom Segura.

02:34:51.000 It's Tom Segura.

02:34:52.000 Oh, put him on.

02:34:53.000 Alright. 1.00

02:34:55.000 Oh, it's hooked onto my fucking car. 1.00

02:34:57.000 Hold on. 1.00

02:34:57.000 Why is your car on? 1.00

02:34:59.000 Oh, why is my car on?

02:35:00.000 It's not on.

02:35:01.000 It's driving phones.

02:35:04.000 Put it on speakerphone.

02:35:05.000 I'm trying.

02:35:06.000 You want me to do it for you?

02:35:07.000 Hey, what's up, man?

02:35:08.000 Hey, you're on the Joe Rogan podcast with Joe Rogan.

02:35:11.000 Hey, Tommy Buns! 0.98

02:35:12.000 Hey, what's up, guys?

02:35:15.000 Tommy Buns, we're going to talk about that guy.

02:35:18.000 Bert Creshing, you got a problem with that guy.

02:35:21.000 Okay.

02:35:23.000 What?

02:35:24.000 Nothing, Buns. 0.88

02:35:27.000 Where are you at?

02:35:28.000 Where are you at?

02:35:29.000 Are you by Pasadena?

02:35:30.000 Come say hi.

02:35:31.000 No, man, I'm not by Pasadena.

02:35:33.000 Where are you at?

02:35:33.000 Are you guys still doing it right now?

02:35:35.000 We're doing it right now.

02:35:35.000 We're live right now.

02:35:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:35:37.000 Oh, fuck, man. 1.00

02:35:38.000 Well, I'm going to tell you my shave story. 1.00

02:35:40.000 I'm going to shave.

02:35:41.000 That's the bird Chrysler.

02:35:45.000 Oh, Tommy, I'm going to tell him about the time I shaved your underarms. 1.00

02:35:48.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

02:35:50.000 You shaved his underarms? 1.00

02:35:51.000 Alright, have fun with that, man.

02:35:53.000 Alright, I love you.

02:35:54.000 Bye, Tommy.

02:35:56.000 We were in Hawaii doing a gig.

02:35:58.000 You shaved his underarms. 0.98

02:35:58.000 Tom's hair, Tom's so fucking hairy, his hair connects from his underarms to his chest. 0.98

02:36:03.000 And I saw it, and I go, Tom, you can't let that happen, man. 0.97

02:36:06.000 I'm so glad you brought this up, because I want you to tell me what you told me last night.

02:36:11.000 Is that cool?

02:36:12.000 Can you tell me last night what those guys said?

02:36:14.000 What the guys said about the reason why you were happy that Russell Peters wasn't there when you guys were shooting guns?

02:36:22.000 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:36:24.000 Tell that story, please.

02:36:25.000 So wait, so let's...

02:36:26.000 I'll start to say it from the...

02:36:26.000 So we do me, Tom...

02:36:29.000 And Russell Peters do a gig for the USO, for the military in Pearl Harbor.

02:36:35.000 Our buddy Charlie books it, flies us all down.

02:36:38.000 Russell's brother's there.

02:36:39.000 Russell's a great guy.

02:36:40.000 I love Russell.

02:36:41.000 I love Russell.

02:36:41.000 And I love his brother even more.

02:36:43.000 If I could tickle one person to death, it would be his brother.

02:36:45.000 His brother, Clayton, has got the best giggle in the world.

02:36:47.000 Brian just gets mad.

02:36:48.000 That's rude.

02:36:49.000 Brian wishes it was him.

02:36:50.000 Think about it a little bit.

02:36:52.000 So we get there, and Russell's definitely a big, like, he's a big name, and he doesn't, he's not gonna, he's there to do the show.

02:37:00.000 He's also there for vacation with his chick, and his brother, and his wife, and they're having a good time, and they want us all to hang out, but there's like a list of things that they kind of wanted us to do. 0.99

02:37:07.000 One of them's like, sample firearms, like go out and shoot firearms, and like, do this like, thing where these people come up in the screen, and you gotta shoot them, and Russell doesn't want to do that shit. 0.89

02:37:17.000 So we're like, we're like, alright, so me, Tom, Charlie, and all our wives go out to do this like, Simulation where it's war. 0.98

02:37:24.000 We all have guns. 0.99

02:37:25.000 We all have fucking... 0.99

02:37:25.000 There's a big thing up and we get out there and we're like, man, I wish Russell would come. 0.99

02:37:29.000 This is really cool.

02:37:30.000 And Tom's like, yeah, I know.

02:37:31.000 And then the guy comes up and he's like, all right, the simulation's starting in 30 seconds. 0.99

02:37:36.000 If it's brown and it moves, you kill it. 0.99

02:37:39.000 And we were like, well, thank God Russell didn't come because he would not have enjoyed this game at all. 0.79

02:37:44.000 First of all, that impression is amazing.

02:37:46.000 Give me that impression again.

02:37:48.000 Alright!

02:37:48.000 This starts in 30 seconds!

02:37:51.000 If it's brown and it moves, you kill it! 1.00

02:37:53.000 God damn. 1.00

02:37:54.000 That sounds like Nick Nolte. 1.00

02:37:56.000 It's my old...

02:37:57.000 Nick Nolte about 10 years ago.

02:37:58.000 Yeah.

02:37:58.000 When he's still robust.

02:38:00.000 Oh man, I have a quick... 1.00

02:38:01.000 That is the craziest shit ever. 1.00

02:38:02.000 So we... 1.00

02:38:03.000 They're joking around about killing brown people. 0.96

02:38:05.000 Yeah, and then Brian, and then Scott, Tom and I just kind of blow it off. 1.00

02:38:07.000 We're like, I was fucked up. 0.97

02:38:08.000 I'm glad Russell wasn't here for that. 1.00

02:38:09.000 Or Clayton, because they're both very brown.

02:38:11.000 So, then we go to do this show, and I go up first, and it's like, I kind of do okay, but I'm hosting a little bit.

02:38:19.000 Tom's younger at comedy at the time, so he's gonna go second, because it's a little easier of a spot.

02:38:23.000 He goes second.

02:38:24.000 He opens with a joke, like, they say, don't make fun of Hawaiians.

02:38:27.000 Tom's opening joke was, wow, Island Living's really slow down here.

02:38:32.000 That's what they told me.

02:38:33.000 I didn't know they were talking about your metabolisms. 0.86

02:38:34.000 Wow, these people are fat.

02:38:36.000 Like, that's his opening joke, right? 0.99

02:38:37.000 Yeah.

02:38:38.000 So, then...

02:38:40.000 Russell goes on stage and Tom and I realize for the first time we put the dots together that these people have been trained to kill brown people and they just have a brown person headlining on stage and they don't see they're not seeing the nuances of Indian versus Iraqi they're just seeing brown and you can hear the murmur in the crowd just like why is this guy here? 0.88

02:39:00.000 Why don't we have a white guy? 0.97

02:39:01.000 Like in their heads.

02:39:02.000 Really?

02:39:03.000 Yeah and Tom and I were just like ugh. 0.84

02:39:04.000 What about black guys? 0.96

02:39:05.000 Black is very different than brown. 0.99

02:39:08.000 Right.

02:39:08.000 I mean, look, I'm also categorizing...

02:39:11.000 Were the black guys having... 0.97

02:39:12.000 What are they saying? 0.98

02:39:13.000 We wish we had a black guy? 1.00

02:39:14.000 We wish we had a white guy? 0.98

02:39:15.000 What were they saying? 0.73

02:39:15.000 There weren't a lot of black guys, to be honest with you. 0.73

02:39:17.000 It was a lot of white guys.

02:39:18.000 Yeah, it was...

02:39:19.000 I mean, it was Pearl Harbor.

02:39:20.000 We weren't in, like, the thick of it.

02:39:21.000 It was a lot of officers.

02:39:22.000 It was the Navy.

02:39:24.000 Like, I mean...

02:39:25.000 And I'm also putting words in the mouths of people who aren't allowed to talk right now.

02:39:28.000 So I don't want you to think, I'm from Pearl Harbor.

02:39:30.000 I don't have a problem with brown people.

02:39:32.000 But I'm telling you, this was the heat of the war.

02:39:34.000 And this is what me and Tom experienced.

02:39:37.000 Yeah, just tell the truth. 1.00

02:39:38.000 And we were like, fuck. 1.00

02:39:40.000 And then the next day, they were like, yeah, you're never coming back. 1.00

02:39:43.000 And Charlie lost that gig.

02:39:44.000 It was a really cool gig, Hawaii, for like a week.

02:39:47.000 But, so, during this gig...

02:39:49.000 So you would go to Hawaii for a week and do how many shows?

02:39:51.000 Just one show.

02:39:52.000 Two shows.

02:39:53.000 You used to do two shows.

02:39:54.000 One in the mess hall for the guys, and that could be dirty as you wanted to do.

02:39:58.000 And then one that was on stage, and Dog the Bounty Hunter would come out and wave to everybody.

02:40:06.000 So did they cancel it because Russell was brown?

02:40:09.000 I think they said they canceled it because Tom and I were dirty, but we weren't really dirty. 0.74

02:40:15.000 You know?

02:40:16.000 We didn't curse at all.

02:40:18.000 But I think they just canceled it.

02:40:20.000 You can't curse?

02:40:21.000 It was also a new...

02:40:22.000 You couldn't curse at all.

02:40:24.000 How crazy is that?

02:40:25.000 But no one cursed.

02:40:25.000 No one cursed.

02:40:26.000 Did you imagine, though, the idea that you are...

02:40:29.000 They can send you to war. 1.00

02:40:31.000 They can arm you with guns and tell you you're supposed to kill these people. 1.00

02:40:35.000 But... 0.99

02:40:37.000 You can't hear anybody swear at a comedy show.

02:40:40.000 I mean, it's the military.

02:40:42.000 I think that's pretty much their thing.

02:40:43.000 They don't ever let people curse on their shows.

02:40:45.000 I remember I read a Louis C.K. article that he had on his blog about going overseas to entertain the troops and about how one time he kind of got dirty at a show and he apologized afterwards because he couldn't help it.

02:40:58.000 They were loving it.

02:40:59.000 They were just going crazy and he couldn't help it.

02:41:02.000 We just wanted to entertain them.

02:41:03.000 We wanted them to be laughing.

02:41:05.000 But yeah, I guess they do a lot of censorship.

02:41:08.000 They keep you from really doing your full act.

02:41:11.000 But the first night there, me and Tom get there.

02:41:14.000 Russell's not there.

02:41:15.000 It's just me and Tom and our wives. 0.97

02:41:16.000 And Tom and I proceed to get fucking pissed drunk on the beach. 0.83

02:41:20.000 And then we go up to his room. 0.80

02:41:21.000 I don't know.

02:41:22.000 My wife falls asleep.

02:41:22.000 It's me, Tom, and Christina Push, I call her, in his room.

02:41:26.000 And Tom has his shirt off, and his chest hair connects from his armpits to his tits. 0.98

02:41:31.000 So I go, Tommy, let me shape that for you. 0.99

02:41:34.000 I'll shape it so it looks like you have breasts, so you look more muscular. 1.00

02:41:37.000 And he goes, you think that'll work?

02:41:38.000 I'm like, yeah, we're both really drunk.

02:41:40.000 So I shave a line, right?

02:41:43.000 I shave a line here, and I give him a...

02:41:48.000 You have pictures of this?

02:41:55.000 Yeah, Tom's got pictures. 1.00

02:41:56.000 It looks like his tits are wearing a mask about to commit a robbery. 1.00

02:42:00.000 It just looks like fucking two tits going... 1.00

02:42:02.000 Oh, no one knows who we are. 0.99

02:42:03.000 Alright, well, folks, we need you to harass Tom Segura on Twitter and tell him to put these pictures online.

02:42:08.000 We need to see these pictures.

02:42:09.000 Yeah, he's got them.

02:42:10.000 He posted them.

02:42:11.000 I think they're on his Facebook, to be honest with you.

02:42:12.000 He's going to put it on your mom's house this week.

02:42:14.000 Tom's a great guy. 0.99

02:42:14.000 He really is one of the funniest fucking guys. 0.99

02:42:17.000 So, did you want to talk about that situation you had or no? 0.98

02:42:20.000 Five.

02:42:21.000 Five minutes?

02:42:22.000 Perfect.

02:42:23.000 Did you want to talk about that situation you had or no?

02:42:25.000 I mean, I don't know what to say.

02:42:29.000 I mean...

02:42:30.000 You know, I don't know. 0.98

02:42:32.000 It's a weird fucking... 0.98

02:42:33.000 You don't have to talk about it. 0.99

02:42:34.000 What would you say?

02:42:36.000 What would I say if I was you?

02:42:37.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:42:40.000 It's...

02:42:40.000 I don't know.

02:42:41.000 If I saw Bieber at a grocery store, I would also get hard on.

02:42:45.000 Is that what you're talking about?

02:42:46.000 No.

02:42:47.000 No, no, no, no.

02:42:48.000 Listen, I don't want to force you into anything, so we'll just end this thing right here.

02:42:51.000 Joe!

02:42:52.000 Seriously.

02:42:53.000 We've got to end anyway.

02:42:54.000 We've got five minutes before the power goes off because this is a three-hour podcast already.

02:42:58.000 And at three hours, Ustream cuts it off and then it becomes two separate hunks and it gets annoying.

02:43:02.000 Jay Moore and I have been very incestuous, I would say, with this Tracy Morgan story.

02:43:08.000 Jay has admittedly on his podcast said he told it that it happened to him and he distinctly regrets ever having told it on Opie and Anthony that it happened to him.

02:43:18.000 He started telling it that it happened to me. 0.96

02:43:20.000 And at the time that he told it that it happened about me, I was like, oh fuck, that makes me feel like... 0.99

02:43:25.000 Whatever. 0.98

02:43:25.000 It was a story I never wanted told. 0.98

02:43:27.000 I didn't want it told because I don't know Tracy.

02:43:30.000 I'm telling...

02:43:31.000 It's something I never wanted...

02:43:33.000 I want it to be behind the scenes.

02:43:34.000 When you have a good Mitch Hedberg story, I thought it would be one of those.

02:43:38.000 You thought it would be a good story that we'd tell at comedy clubs and...

02:43:42.000 Right.

02:43:42.000 To us.

02:43:43.000 There's a lot of those.

02:43:44.000 There's a lot of like, I got a great Otto and George story.

02:43:47.000 There's a bunch of great stories that we all tell to each other.

02:43:49.000 And so Jay started telling on stage and then started telling us that it happened to him.

02:43:54.000 I talked to him on his podcast about it and he distinctly...

02:43:58.000 I'm done telling it.

02:43:59.000 I'm never going to tell it again.

02:44:00.000 I don't want to tell it anymore.

02:44:01.000 My wife thought it was a bad idea the first time I told it.

02:44:04.000 And then what happened was we went to Amsterdam and Gary Garfinkel, the VP of Showtime, said to me in front of a bunch of comics, you're Bert from the Tracy Morgan story Jay tells on his special. 0.98

02:44:18.000 Which fucking is like throwing lunch meat in front of lions. 0.98

02:44:22.000 Everyone's like, what do you mean? 1.00

02:44:23.000 What do you mean?

02:44:24.000 And then I... Two-fold protective of a friend. 1.00

02:44:29.000 I was concerned that he had taped it for his special, and I was like, it's fucking sociopathic. 0.99

02:44:36.000 You can't do that. 0.98

02:44:38.000 I talked to him today and he said he did tape it for a special but he told it that it happened to me.

02:44:45.000 It's still a weird middle ground.

02:44:47.000 It's still your story.

02:44:48.000 It's still your life.

02:44:49.000 It's still your bit.

02:44:50.000 It's still your story.

02:44:52.000 The reason why it was funny in the first place is because you told him.

02:44:54.000 He laughed at it and then he repeated what you said.

02:44:57.000 That's your story.

02:45:00.000 Every story is not exactly the events in order, in absolute order.

02:45:09.000 There's an art to telling a story.

02:45:11.000 And that's what you're really good at.

02:45:12.000 You're really good at not just telling stories, but telling them with economy of words and setting them up correctly and building it right to a big ending.

02:45:20.000 And that's what you did in that thing.

02:45:21.000 It's not just a story, okay?

02:45:23.000 Because you didn't tell that story as if you're connecting the dots.

02:45:27.000 Man walks on land, man finds plant, man eats plant.

02:45:30.000 You didn't do that.

02:45:31.000 What you did is you told it in a theatric way, and he just simply repeated that.

02:45:35.000 Okay, that's not telling someone's story.

02:45:38.000 That's stealing someone's bit.

02:45:40.000 Am I right?

02:45:42.000 Yeah.

02:45:42.000 Brian?

02:45:43.000 I think so.

02:45:44.000 Absolutely.

02:45:45.000 If I told you a story of something that was really insane, that's a real story.

02:45:51.000 He told you he was going to stop doing it.

02:45:53.000 I saw somebody get hit on the highway and die.

02:45:56.000 The brain splattered out.

02:45:57.000 I talked about it a long-ass time ago on a podcast.

02:45:59.000 It was one of the biggest, craziest things that's ever happened to me. 0.93

02:46:02.000 If I told that story to Joe, and then Joe started doing it originally as it happened to him on stage to begin with, immediately that would piss me off so fucking hard. 0.58

02:46:13.000 I think that would make it even a thousand times worse.

02:46:16.000 I think that in this worst case scenario that this is, obviously, but I think he did the best.

02:46:25.000 He's obviously taken for granted the fact that the story is structured in a funny way.

02:46:30.000 You told him a story that's structured in a funny way.

02:46:33.000 It's not simply a bunch of facts just put together in a timeline.

02:46:37.000 You told it to him in an entertaining way.

02:46:40.000 Out of all this that happened, I think the best of the worst case scenario was that he does tell it on his special that it happened to me.

02:46:51.000 So in a weird way, I get...

02:46:53.000 Yeah, he gets the laughs for something that's pretty important.

02:46:58.000 Well, yeah.

02:46:59.000 Jay, yeah. 0.99

02:47:00.000 Well, I'm fucking... 0.99

02:47:01.000 He doesn't want to not do it because it's too good. 0.99

02:47:03.000 Yeah.

02:47:05.000 It's too good a story.

02:47:05.000 And it's written out how you said it to him.

02:47:08.000 It's not like he did not put the words in the story.

02:47:11.000 You told him the story.

02:47:12.000 The only fair thing to do is have Jay on the podcast and let him tell his side of the story.

02:47:16.000 I don't know.

02:47:17.000 Or not.

02:47:18.000 Or act like exactly how we acted before. 0.97

02:47:22.000 We just don't fucking... 0.89

02:47:23.000 Talk to the guy and we don't have anything to do with that guy. 0.96

02:47:26.000 I don't want to be a part of an attack on Jay at all because I never... 0.97

02:47:33.000 I mean, it's as much as I should have been a fucking grown man. 0.96

02:47:37.000 I should have been a grown man at the very beginning. 0.98

02:47:38.000 If I wasn't comfortable with what was being happened, I should have been a grown man who stood up and said, I don't like this.

02:47:43.000 Make it stop right now.

02:47:44.000 That's what I should have done.

02:47:45.000 You're right.

02:47:46.000 And in essence, I didn't, and so what is happening is exactly you reap what you sow.

02:47:53.000 I allowed whatever is happening to happen, and it's as much my fault as it is anyone's.

02:48:00.000 You're in a bad relationship.

02:48:02.000 Yeah, you need to break up.

02:48:05.000 That's what it sounds like.

02:48:06.000 You're in an abusive relationship.

02:48:07.000 You do.

02:48:07.000 You need to break up.

02:48:08.000 Maybe, yeah.

02:48:09.000 Is that what's going on?

02:48:10.000 Does he kiss you on the belly?

02:48:12.000 Does he make you do things you don't want to do?

02:48:14.000 Yeah.

02:48:14.000 What does he do?

02:48:15.000 There's a secret here. 0.64

02:48:16.000 You're molested. 0.99

02:48:19.000 I'm being molested by Jay Moore! 0.99

02:48:21.000 We're going to turn down the lights. 0.99

02:48:22.000 I'm being molested by Jay Moore!

02:48:23.000 Are we running out of time yet, Brian? 0.86

02:48:25.000 Sandusky says yes.

02:48:26.000 If we run out of time, I don't want it to go over.

02:48:28.000 We good?

02:48:30.000 Well, we're over on iTunes, but we have about seven minutes on Ustream.

02:48:35.000 I'm being molested!

02:48:37.000 So over on iTunes means what?

02:48:39.000 That might work better.

02:48:42.000 Ustream's a thing that...

02:48:43.000 Tom and I had a conversation about it last night, and I... You know, it's...

02:48:48.000 It is behavior...

02:48:49.000 If, in fact, I should take responsibility for everything, my ego was inflamed the first time he told it, and he said that it happened to me, my ego was inflamed.

02:48:57.000 And I loved it because it made me feel good. 0.94

02:48:59.000 It made me feel like I was a real comic, that I had a real fucking thing. 0.95

02:49:02.000 And then I thought that was where it would end. 0.97

02:49:03.000 I didn't, you know...

02:49:04.000 Obviously, we said this...

02:49:06.000 How does Tracy Morgan feel about this story? 0.99

02:49:08.000 I don't want fucking to find out. 0.97

02:49:10.000 Because here's the worst part is I never wanted Tracy to... 0.99

02:49:12.000 The reason I never told it is I didn't want fucking Tracy to go... 1.00

02:49:15.000 Man, who the fuck's Bert Kreischer? 0.99

02:49:16.000 Why'd you tell that story? 0.99

02:49:18.000 Why can't you keep that to yourself?

02:49:19.000 Yeah.

02:49:20.000 You know, I have kids.

02:49:21.000 I'm, you know. 0.99

02:49:22.000 That's the fucking worst part of it. 0.97

02:49:24.000 I mean, I think Tracy, I doubt he remembers that night in the slightest, but I don't know how he'd act. 0.99

02:49:31.000 I don't know how he'd act.

02:49:32.000 Hopefully, you know, here's the worst part is I told the story to a bunch of comics in Cincinnati with Tony Woods.

02:49:39.000 Tony Woods is one of my good friends who used to party all the time, and Tony was there that night.

02:49:43.000 And Tony, you know, you tell the story so much, and then you start going, how much of this is true?

02:49:47.000 Like, you just end up hitting the beats of your story.

02:49:50.000 Right, right, right.

02:49:50.000 You create it.

02:49:51.000 Yeah, you're like, what?

02:49:52.000 And so I said to Tony, I go, I'm going to tell the story again.

02:49:55.000 I go, man, step in at any point and tell me where I'm straying off from the exact truth.

02:49:59.000 And he was like, okay.

02:50:01.000 Told the whole story verbatim.

02:50:03.000 And Tony, the only point that corrected is he thought Tracy said more before he said, now that's how you get out of paying a check.

02:50:10.000 He thought that, he was like, no, Tracy stood up and he was like...

02:50:13.000 Check this.

02:50:14.000 And gave a little bit of a monologue, which I just got to the...

02:50:17.000 Oh, so he said a few more things.

02:50:19.000 He stood up and he was like, yeah, yeah.

02:50:21.000 And then as we left, he was like...

02:50:22.000 Just change that to somebody else, like Alan Thicke or something.

02:50:24.000 It's your story, dude.

02:50:25.000 It's your story, period.

02:50:27.000 And that's disturbing.

02:50:28.000 It's depressing.

02:50:31.000 Isn't it?

02:50:31.000 Yeah.

02:50:32.000 It was a great podcast.

02:50:33.000 I'm glad we ended on that.

02:50:34.000 I had a great time today.

02:50:36.000 It's important, man.

02:50:36.000 It's important for him as much as it's important for you to not let people step on you, for him to not step on people, you know?

02:50:42.000 He knows...

02:50:43.000 I think he knows everything...

02:50:46.000 That he did wrong in that transgression.

02:50:50.000 And you know that you were a little bit weak.

02:50:51.000 And I was weak.

02:50:51.000 So if anyone is at fault, I'm as much as at fault.

02:50:56.000 A little bit.

02:50:56.000 You let him step on you.

02:50:58.000 You let him abuse you. 0.99

02:51:00.000 It is something that if I want to have a productive life as a comic, I fucking pass it. 1.00

02:51:05.000 Maybe people hear that story and they go, who the fuck's Bert Kreischer? 0.99

02:51:07.000 And they research me after a special. 0.99

02:51:09.000 I think...

02:51:10.000 I think that's going to do more damage to him than it's going to benefit him.

02:51:12.000 He's a great storyteller.

02:51:13.000 He's a funny guy.

02:51:14.000 He's really funny and he's a great storyteller.

02:51:15.000 And telling your story like that, it makes him seem illegitimate.

02:51:19.000 I mean, he's better than that.

02:51:21.000 He doesn't need to do that.

02:51:22.000 He does not.

02:51:23.000 His whole act is good.

02:51:24.000 He's a solid comic.

02:51:25.000 He's a very funny guy.

02:51:26.000 He doesn't need to do that one bit.

02:51:28.000 That one bit discredits him in a way that's unfortunate and unnecessary.

02:51:32.000 And unfortunately, really, truly, it's going to define him.

02:51:36.000 How much more does that bit kill than the rest of his material?

02:51:39.000 Great bit, man.

02:51:40.000 It's a pretty good bit. 0.98

02:51:40.000 He does a really fucking bananas Tracy Morgan impression. 0.98

02:51:43.000 Tracy Morgan impression is dynamite. 0.99

02:51:44.000 Yeah. 0.93

02:51:45.000 You know, it's almost excusable just because the Morgan impression is so fucking good. 0.97

02:51:49.000 It's really fucking good. 0.95

02:51:51.000 I mean, when you read the chat threads on YouTube, it's like... 0.98

02:51:54.000 You can do that with anybody, though, man.

02:51:56.000 He does a great Colin Quinn.

02:51:57.000 I mean, he's a great impressionist.

02:51:59.000 He's one of the best.

02:52:00.000 He's, in my opinion, one of the most underappreciated impressionists amongst comedians.

02:52:04.000 Hands down. 0.99

02:52:05.000 His Colin Quinn is on the fucking button, and it's really funny. 1.00

02:52:09.000 He has, like, funny shit that he says. 0.99

02:52:11.000 Are you guys backtracking? 0.99

02:52:12.000 No, no, no.

02:52:13.000 Hey, I loved it. 0.96

02:52:14.000 I'm never gonna fucking... 0.97

02:52:15.000 Listen, man, you can't not be honest. 0.97

02:52:18.000 I'm just kidding.

02:52:18.000 You gotta express the positives, the negatives, the whole ball of wax.

02:52:22.000 It's not...

02:52:22.000 And he would agree.

02:52:23.000 I would venture to say he would probably, if he was sitting at this table, agree with everything we're saying to a large point. 1.00

02:52:30.000 And I think his wife, Nick, is a lot like you in the sense that the first time he told that on Opie and Anthony, as if it happened to him, she was like, you're fucked up. 0.99

02:52:39.000 You can't do that. 0.99

02:52:40.000 You can't say that it happened to you.

02:52:42.000 You don't have to.

02:52:44.000 You don't have to.

02:52:44.000 It's not necessarily.

02:52:45.000 You know, Mark Twain once said, always tell the truth.

02:52:48.000 That way you don't have to remember anything. 0.99

02:52:50.000 And it's a smart fucking thing. 0.99

02:52:52.000 It's a smart way to be. 0.99

02:52:54.000 You know, people forgive you for the truth. 1.00

02:52:56.000 What they don't forgive is horse shit. 1.00

02:52:58.000 Because then, god damn it, it's tough enough communicating with people with noises that you make with your fucking mouth that we attach to a bunch of meaning things. 1.00

02:53:07.000 It's difficult. 0.99

02:53:08.000 It's difficult to do.

02:53:08.000 When I find out that you're making artificial noises, you're faking it, that you're saying things that aren't true, or you're bullshitting me, or you're representing yourself in any way where I feel like, now I can't get an honest read from you.

02:53:21.000 Now our communication is all horseshit because you just have this impression that you want to put out. 0.72

02:53:26.000 You don't want me to know the real you. 0.99

02:53:28.000 You want to put out this impression and you want me to respond to it in a positive way to fill up your fucking insecurities. 0.99

02:53:35.000 And that's not what it's supposed to be all about. 0.95

02:53:37.000 That's why when you were talking about your machine story and you were saying, could you imagine if that machine story, if somebody came up to you and goes, dude, everywhere you go, people yell out the machine.

02:53:45.000 I mean, I have a t-shirt.

02:53:47.000 I have two of them that say the machine has your face on it.

02:53:50.000 Could you imagine if that wasn't a real story?

02:53:53.000 Or if it happened to somebody else. 0.97

02:53:54.000 Oh, it would fucking crush me. 0.85

02:53:57.000 If someone found out that it was entirely fabricated, no one would ever listen to a word. 0.63

02:54:05.000 That's the only reason I ever was hesitant about ever telling the Tracy Morgan story in the first place, because all it took Was Tracy Morgan one time saying that never happened?

02:54:15.000 And my entire credentials as a comic for the rest of my life were done with.

02:54:20.000 No matter if me and Tony Woods stood on a soapbox and watching in Square Park like Charlie Burnett and said...

02:54:24.000 I disagree and I think everybody would believe you.

02:54:28.000 Oh yeah, maybe, maybe.

02:54:28.000 I don't know.

02:54:29.000 You know how people view Tracy Morgan.

02:54:31.000 I remember when I was a young comic in New York saying I had a story that was this...

02:54:35.000 It was based off of a bit that I had heard in the music, and I liked the way they tagged the song, and I just wrote this bit with this story involved, and the tag was this song from an outcast lyric, and it was great. 0.91

02:54:47.000 It was fucking great, and this fucking guy came up to me, and he goes, that is one of the best stories I've ever heard.

02:54:51.000 It has id, it has ego, it has everything that's beautiful about a story. 0.99

02:54:55.000 You've got to tell me, is it true?

02:54:57.000 And I looked at him, and I wanted credit, and I went...

02:54:59.000 No. 0.99

02:55:00.000 I fucking made it up. 1.00

02:55:02.000 And he looked at me like I told him, I fucked Santa Claus in the ass. 1.00

02:55:06.000 I fucked Santa Claus in the ass. 1.00

02:55:07.000 And I was like, number one, I will never fucking make up a fucking fabricated... 1.00

02:55:14.000 That is... 0.99

02:55:15.000 You just... 0.99

02:55:16.000 You just don't have anything to fucking put your head on the pillow at the end of the night. 0.99

02:55:20.000 You go, all I got or whatever happened to me, however I fucking tell it, however I craft it, and present it. 0.99

02:55:25.000 Unless you tell a story that you wrote and made up and then go, I just made that up. 0.87

02:55:30.000 That didn't really happen.

02:55:30.000 Oh yeah, I've done that before plenty of times.

02:55:32.000 Nothing wrong with that.

02:55:33.000 You're doing something for comic relief.

02:55:36.000 As long as you're not trying to mislead people.

02:55:38.000 As long as you're only doing it for a joke. 0.98

02:55:40.000 Your intention is to fucking entertain. 0.98

02:55:41.000 That's what my job is. 1.00

02:55:42.000 I'm a fucking comedian. 1.00

02:55:43.000 He's a fucking comedian. 1.00

02:55:44.000 He's a good one, goddammit. 1.00

02:55:46.000 Follow him on Twitter.

02:55:47.000 It's Bert Kreischer, B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. Holla at your boy.

02:55:54.000 And follow him online at Bert, Bert, Bert. 0.98

02:55:56.000 There's some sort of a sale today, but apparently there's no fucking sale. 0.99

02:55:58.000 Yes! 0.99

02:55:59.000 Cyber Monday!

02:56:00.000 Sail at birdbirdbird.com!

02:56:01.000 Buy his shirt.

02:56:02.000 I prefer the thin one.

02:56:04.000 I have both.

02:56:04.000 The heather.

02:56:05.000 Everyone rocks the heather.

02:56:06.000 It's very nice.

02:56:07.000 It makes me feel sexy.

02:56:08.000 I like it.

02:56:09.000 It's a light fit.

02:56:10.000 It's like a summer breeze.

02:56:12.000 Make me feel fine.

02:56:14.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast.

02:56:17.000 And if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:56:24.000 My favorite podcast we've done so far. 0.68

02:56:26.000 Dude, you're the best.

02:56:26.000 I love you, man.

02:56:27.000 This is my favorite one we've had.

02:56:28.000 We're also sponsored by Onnit.com.

02:56:30.000 O-N-N-I-T. Today is Monday, February 28th, and it is Cyber Monday.

02:56:35.000 25% off everything when you put in the code word cyber.

02:56:39.000 Other than that, after today, enter in the code name ROGEN. Get 10% off your alpha brain.

02:56:43.000 Go get yourself some new mood. 1.00

02:56:44.000 Get your shit together, bitches. 1.00

02:56:46.000 We love you. 1.00

02:56:47.000 We appreciate you. 0.99

02:56:49.000 We're all in this shit together. 0.99

02:56:51.000 We've got a lot more people this week. 1.00

02:56:52.000 A lot of more!

02:56:53.000 I want to do that live show.

02:56:54.000 Oh, we're going to have Adam Curry, too.

02:56:56.000 Adam Curry, you communicated to us through your podcast.

02:56:59.000 We communicate back.

02:57:01.000 You're the man who created the podcast.

02:57:02.000 We would love to have you on. 1.00

02:57:03.000 Oh, shut up. 1.00

02:57:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:57:04.000 Holla from MTV. Remember? 1.00

02:57:06.000 Yes, that's what I was like.

02:57:07.000 From MTV? Yeah, we've got Twitter people are putting this in motion.

02:57:10.000 Thank you, Twitter people.

02:57:11.000 I don't have your name, whoever you did this, my one gentleman that I was communicating with, but thank you, sir.

02:57:16.000 All right. 0.99

02:57:17.000 I love you, bitches. 1.00

02:57:17.000 We'll see you tomorrow. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - November 28, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #161 - Bert Kreischer

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