The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #163

00:00:00.000 With that fucking title neck, and it just blows up like a python with a fucking sandwich in its throat, and that's it.

00:00:05.000 How can you fucking blow alone?

00:00:09.000 Because you're disgusting like me.

00:00:11.000 Right.

00:00:12.000 Rogan is in a different fucking world.

00:00:13.000 He's fucking disgusting, too.

00:00:15.000 We're all disgusting.

00:00:16.000 This fucking guy's disgusting.

00:00:18.000 This guy's disgusting.

00:00:19.000 But to have a girl like you, they just...

00:00:21.000 Like, fucking you, and she reaches down and touches your gut, and you know it's just like squishy, fucking wet flesh, and there's no tone to it.

00:00:32.000 All I can think of is you have to be disgusted by this.

00:00:36.000 And if you're not, there's something wrong with you.

00:00:39.000 Listen, dog, you're five in the morning.

00:00:41.000 Like, how do you not care?

00:00:42.000 Who's touching your fat?

00:00:44.000 I kill all my own boners.

00:00:46.000 I can't get past how disgusting it must be to fuck me to fuck a girl.

00:00:51.000 I really do.

00:00:54.000 But sex is not like a driving force to make me do fucking squats and fucking leg lifts.

00:01:00.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:01:02.000 Either they got it or they don't.

00:01:03.000 No, the point is, like, how do you not think about how fucking gross it must be to fuck you?

00:01:08.000 I got good dick.

00:01:08.000 I got sweet daddy dick.

00:01:09.000 When this dick is coming at you, I do a good job.

00:01:12.000 You watch porn.

00:01:14.000 If you were into porn, you would turn the porn off.

00:01:17.000 No, you wouldn't.

00:01:18.000 Yes, I would.

00:01:20.000 A guy likes you.

00:01:22.000 Listen, I fuck in the dark.

00:01:24.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:01:25.000 With a cape on, dog.

00:01:26.000 I ain't coming up with muscles or sunlight behind me.

00:01:29.000 With a Brad Pitt in that fucking movie.

00:01:31.000 Go fuck yourself.

00:01:32.000 I come in real quick.

00:01:33.000 I'll bang you when you sleep.

00:01:34.000 And I'm one of those guys.

00:01:36.000 You need a trust to keep your fucking belly on.

00:01:39.000 You can fuck in the dark, but they feel a fucking...

00:01:42.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

00:01:44.000 O-N-N-I-T. Are we not done with the plugs?

00:01:49.000 No, we're not.

00:01:50.000 One more.

00:01:51.000 Makers of Alpha Brain.

00:01:52.000 We actually have a start thing here.

00:01:54.000 The cognitive enhancing supplement that I'm giving to Doug Stanhope.

00:01:57.000 Doug Stanhope, this in your system right now will cure you of the evil that is the mushrooms.

00:02:02.000 Because right now your mind is taken over by an organism, by an intelligent life form.

00:02:06.000 Thanks, dude, who gave me mushrooms.

00:02:08.000 I completely dismissed the guy at the merch booth.

00:02:12.000 I thought he was giving me a poster of something.

00:02:15.000 He goes, you want to open that later?

00:02:17.000 And I go, I chuck it in my merch bag, which is scary when I travel.

00:02:22.000 I have to scour my merch bag.

00:02:24.000 So this guy hands you a bag of whatever it might be.

00:02:27.000 I thought it was a poster.

00:02:29.000 It was a rolled up giant envelope.

00:02:32.000 But it had mushrooms in it, so I can't travel with them, so I'm going to fucking...

00:02:38.000 Usually I just give them away, but fuck it.

00:02:40.000 I haven't tripped in a year.

00:02:42.000 So here you go.

00:02:43.000 And I'm coming to the Rogan podcast.

00:02:46.000 And you're on the Alpha Brain.

00:02:47.000 I don't even...

00:02:48.000 Yeah, Alpha Brain.

00:02:49.000 Let's smoke some pot, too.

00:02:50.000 I don't even do that.

00:02:51.000 Okay, awesome.

00:02:52.000 Later, later.

00:02:53.000 It'll really fuck me.

00:02:54.000 I don't know.

00:02:55.000 It might be good.

00:02:56.000 I have a show tonight.

00:02:57.000 Let me tell you something.

00:02:58.000 Alpha Brain is going to take those mushrooms and put you on a different fucking dilemma.

00:03:01.000 Do you understand?

00:03:02.000 You're going to go back to Worcester to the Aku Aku.

00:03:05.000 That's how deep this fucking mushroom is going to take you.

00:03:08.000 Are you familiar with what nootropics are?

00:03:10.000 You ever try any of these things?

00:03:11.000 No, no.

00:03:12.000 I'm out of the loop, Joe.

00:03:14.000 Let's get you in the loop, Doug Stanhope.

00:03:16.000 Doug Stanhope, you need a podcast.

00:03:18.000 My friends tell me, you should shop at the co-op instead of Safeway.

00:03:22.000 That's the fucking...

00:03:23.000 Oh, the co-op.

00:03:25.000 I'm saying, no, I live in a fucking small town of 6,000 people.

00:03:29.000 They're not in the loop.

00:03:30.000 They're not on the internet?

00:03:32.000 Well, no.

00:03:33.000 Once you're on the internet, it's a global world, isn't it?

00:03:35.000 You don't need a fucking internet.

00:03:36.000 It's a town of 6,000 people.

00:03:38.000 They yell out the window.

00:03:39.000 Well, that's why you really need the internet, because you're in a town of 6,000 people.

00:03:42.000 You need to be connected with everything else.

00:03:43.000 They talk to each other.

00:03:44.000 Well, that's all good, too.

00:03:45.000 But, I mean, just for sanity's sake, keep in the fucking loop.

00:03:49.000 Yeah, well...

00:03:50.000 I'll give you some of these.

00:03:52.000 What's it called?

00:03:53.000 Alpha Brain.

00:03:54.000 Alpha Brain.

00:03:55.000 It's a cognitive enhancing supplement.

00:03:57.000 We also have New Mood.

00:03:58.000 That is a 5-HTP serotonin boosting supplement.

00:04:02.000 I took three capsules of 0.3 to 0.4 milligrams of mushrooms on the trip here, which was at 130...

00:04:12.000 Well, who knows how much is it?

00:04:13.000 You know, when you eat a mushroom, how much of it is like cellulose?

00:04:16.000 No, he put them in capsules.

00:04:18.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:04:19.000 So it's a gram in his capsule.

00:04:21.000 Yeah, you might like to...

00:04:22.000 You gave me a fucking instruction list.

00:04:24.000 That's why I was...

00:04:25.000 Oh, he did it.

00:04:26.000 You fucking asshole.

00:04:27.000 It's like a gram per capsule.

00:04:29.000 Dog, it's like a gram per capsule.

00:04:31.000 If you really look at it, it's like a gram in his capsule.

00:04:32.000 Whatever, the guy gave me instructions on the fucking...

00:04:35.000 Well, we hope that the alpha brain doesn't set off the fucking...

00:04:38.000 Oh, fuck yeah!

00:04:39.000 Point is, I wanted to send out my own plug.

00:04:41.000 Thanks, Guy, who I completely dismissed.

00:04:43.000 What does he look like?

00:04:44.000 I have no idea.

00:04:45.000 It was a guy I thought was giving me a poster.

00:04:47.000 He's the universe.

00:04:48.000 He's just an agent.

00:04:49.000 Oh, and by the way...

00:04:50.000 An agent of the universe.

00:04:50.000 Yeah, some guy that fucking tried to barge into the green room.

00:04:55.000 I brought you the t-shirts.

00:04:56.000 I won't plug them.

00:04:58.000 Hit the music!

00:04:59.000 Go to fucking JoeRogan.net, click on the link, enter in the code name ROGAN, and get 10% off your alpha brain supplements.

00:05:06.000 That was one of the best commercials we ever did.

00:05:08.000 Come on, folks.

00:05:09.000 I know you don't like the commercials, ladies and gentlemen.

00:05:12.000 But it's a fucking free podcast, okay?

00:05:15.000 I didn't know we were doing commercials.

00:05:16.000 I know, they're ridiculous.

00:05:17.000 They're ridiculous.

00:05:18.000 They need to be edited.

00:05:19.000 This is a good argument for the necessary having a producer.

00:05:24.000 Alright.

00:05:24.000 We need a real producer.

00:05:25.000 Yeah, it was fun.

00:05:26.000 Those are fun commercials.

00:05:27.000 How would you know the difference between that and the...

00:05:29.000 You don't.

00:05:30.000 That's the fucking point.

00:05:31.000 Oh, because you just hit a button and now we're actually talking?

00:05:34.000 Now it actually is the talking.

00:05:36.000 I no longer have to promote anything.

00:05:38.000 But in the beginning, before we start, the way we got it out of the way, we used to just talk about the fleshlight all the time, and then we figured out somewhere along the line.

00:05:46.000 It's best to just get it out of the way and then go about the podcast.

00:05:51.000 So that's the...

00:05:52.000 Yeah, sure.

00:05:52.000 It seems a little disingenuous.

00:05:54.000 Yeah, no, I'm just...

00:05:55.000 It's a vehicle.

00:05:56.000 I'm a bit scatterbrained.

00:05:58.000 Doug Stanhope, on his way over here, my good buddy Doug Stanhope, who I've not seen in probably like a year.

00:06:03.000 A year?

00:06:03.000 Somewhere around there?

00:06:04.000 Yeah, no.

00:06:04.000 It's been a while?

00:06:06.000 Maybe a year and a half since the last time I did the show.

00:06:09.000 Yeah, man.

00:06:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:06:11.000 And when we went to see your live show, dude, I learned something.

00:06:13.000 I learned I don't like going to shows where I have to stand up.

00:06:16.000 Oh, that was a couple years ago.

00:06:17.000 Was it?

00:06:18.000 Fucking Kit Kat Club.

00:06:19.000 Kit Kat.

00:06:20.000 Yeah, that's like three years ago.

00:06:22.000 Do you have people sitting down?

00:06:23.000 Yeah, no, I'm doing...

00:06:24.000 Now that I can cut my own deal, I'm fucking back at the improv.

00:06:28.000 Oh, that's nice.

00:06:29.000 Oh, so they just gave up?

00:06:32.000 They came around?

00:06:34.000 I can do an off night.

00:06:36.000 What's going on with Joey's microphone, bro?

00:06:39.000 Yo, Mike.

00:06:39.000 No, they need fucking Bacala.

00:06:41.000 They got all these open Micas Tuesday, too.

00:06:44.000 This is Doug fucking Stano.

00:06:45.000 It's all over.

00:06:46.000 You got all these fucking mooks during the week.

00:06:47.000 Bring in this fucking savage.

00:06:49.000 But I can do one night there on an off night and bring my own fucking crowd.

00:06:54.000 You were one of the first guys to figure out how to get your own crowd online.

00:06:58.000 What you did was really a smart move by just leaving the comedy clubs almost completely and just going to little rock and roll clubs and booking it yourself.

00:07:06.000 Yeah, it was all out of spite.

00:07:10.000 Spite drives you a lot.

00:07:12.000 It's like a sex drive.

00:07:14.000 But it was genius.

00:07:15.000 It was ballsy.

00:07:16.000 Hate and needing to fuck.

00:07:17.000 Letting these motherfuckers know you're a voice and you've got to get the fuck out there.

00:07:20.000 I don't give a fuck what you do.

00:07:22.000 You don't want to hire me.

00:07:22.000 I've got to keep doing what I do.

00:07:24.000 You did it the best way, though.

00:07:26.000 You really found your own audience.

00:07:28.000 You're one of those dudes where you go to see a Stanhope show.

00:07:31.000 You know it's a fucking Stanhope crowd when you see them walking down the street.

00:07:34.000 You know?

00:07:36.000 They're all days from suicide.

00:07:37.000 They're all smoking.

00:07:39.000 I was in Calgary where I actually crossed the street.

00:07:42.000 I'm looking for the gig.

00:07:44.000 Oh, that's right.

00:07:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:07:45.000 So, yeah, we talked about this last time.

00:07:47.000 Tell it anyway.

00:07:50.000 Calgary, there's a train station in front of where the gig was.

00:07:53.000 So I see all these fucking hoodlums standing.

00:07:57.000 I think they're waiting for a train.

00:07:58.000 So I cross the street to get away from them.

00:08:00.000 And then only to realize that they were waiting not for the train, but that was my gig.

00:08:06.000 That was the fucking cue for my fucking show that I'm crossing the street to get away from my own fans because it seems scary.

00:08:14.000 That's one of his fans right there.

00:08:15.000 Look at Roland Stanhope's fans right there.

00:08:17.000 That's how he shows up with the outfit.

00:08:19.000 Stop making me look at fucking...

00:08:21.000 There's a dude that's on Fear Factor, this new season of Fear Factor, and there was a thing on CNN about a guy living in a tree.

00:08:30.000 Last time I saw you, you were saying, oh, yeah, if they did Fear Factor, I'd suck the devil's dick again.

00:08:34.000 And now I'm fucking watching football, and here's Joe Rogan's big fucking huge head in my face on 55 inches of Fear Factor.

00:08:43.000 I love it, though.

00:08:44.000 They came with the long money, Stan Hope.

00:08:46.000 They came with that vacation home cash in the middle of the fucking world falling apart.

00:08:50.000 We're way too old for fucking talking about selling out or all that shit that young comics care about.

00:08:57.000 Rivalries.

00:08:58.000 Dane Cook.

00:08:58.000 Hey, Dane Cook, thank you very much.

00:09:00.000 Dane Cook, like, I'm doing this fucking benefit show in Tucson that I was...

00:09:05.000 It's a long story, but like Dane Cook said, hey, I haven't done stand-up, but I'll help you out.

00:09:10.000 Like, fuck, thanks.

00:09:11.000 Thanks a lot.

00:09:12.000 Like, who gives a shit?

00:09:13.000 Someone emailed me today about Mencia.

00:09:16.000 This new Mencia thing is...

00:09:17.000 I hope it's still hot right now.

00:09:19.000 It kind of touches on your bit.

00:09:20.000 Like, who gives a fuck?

00:09:21.000 Yeah.

00:09:22.000 Oh, you fucking internet snipes.

00:09:24.000 So was Dane doing the benefit?

00:09:26.000 No, he's not.

00:09:27.000 He hasn't done stand-up in almost a year.

00:09:29.000 Yeah, he stopped doing stand-up in February.

00:09:31.000 I ran into him with the premiere of Warriors.

00:09:33.000 Not to name drop.

00:09:34.000 It's on the red carpet.

00:09:35.000 Avoided the paparazzi.

00:09:37.000 But even people are, like, snipey about that.

00:09:39.000 Like, yeah, Danko.

00:09:41.000 Well, he didn't put the, like, I don't know how Twitter really works, but he didn't put the apostrophe thing in front of it, so he's just telling your own fans that he's promoting it.

00:09:50.000 What?

00:09:52.000 Oh, I see what I'm saying.

00:09:53.000 I don't know how Twitter works.

00:09:54.000 Yeah, yeah, he didn't put the A. People are just still so fucking cunty.

00:09:58.000 Yeah, they're very cunty.

00:09:59.000 We're old people.

00:09:59.000 Well, people are looking for a reason to be cunty because they're trying to distract themselves from the shit life that they live.

00:10:05.000 Instead of looking at their life and trying to fucking figure out their real problems, they just go online and just fucking pop.

00:10:11.000 But you don't give a fuck about comedy anymore, do you?

00:10:14.000 I care about good comedy.

00:10:16.000 I still like it.

00:10:17.000 I still enjoy it.

00:10:18.000 Not the politics.

00:10:18.000 I don't care at all.

00:10:20.000 I realize somewhere along the line it's mostly just jealousy and insecurity.

00:10:24.000 One of the things I realized is people had a shit way of looking at comedy when I used to tell people that I'd take Joey on the road with me.

00:10:32.000 I'd take people like, who'd you do Rascals with?

00:10:35.000 Oh, Joey Diaz and I. He goes, you bring fucking Joey Diaz on the road?

00:10:38.000 What are you, crazy?

00:10:39.000 You follow Joey Diaz on purpose?

00:10:43.000 And I couldn't understand it.

00:10:45.000 I was like, why would you even think like that?

00:10:49.000 Everybody's worried at every moment that they're not the life of the fucking party.

00:10:53.000 At every moment.

00:10:54.000 They can't even enjoy when other people are funny.

00:10:56.000 I'm like, you don't want to be around funny people?

00:10:58.000 That's all I want to do.

00:10:59.000 I want guys to fucking crush in front of me.

00:11:03.000 I want the whole thing to be fun.

00:11:05.000 I don't want to just be the only one who's having fun up there.

00:11:09.000 I'm so spoiled socially.

00:11:11.000 Because, yeah, my fucking best friends in the world are literally the funniest people alive.

00:11:17.000 So spoiled.

00:11:18.000 So if you try to hang out with idiots...

00:11:19.000 You go to your fucking in-laws or some shit.

00:11:22.000 It's brutal.

00:11:23.000 You can do this joke on stage.

00:11:24.000 When they tell you you can do this joke on stage.

00:11:26.000 They don't understand.

00:11:27.000 Take this on stage.

00:11:28.000 See if you like it.

00:11:29.000 You know, I was dating this girl one time.

00:11:31.000 She's a nice girl, but I was at a transitionary point in my life.

00:11:33.000 There's nothing bad about her.

00:11:35.000 She was just who she was.

00:11:36.000 She was a young girl, wanted to do what she wanted to do.

00:11:38.000 She was always upset.

00:11:40.000 I hate that cunt.

00:11:40.000 She was a good girl.

00:11:41.000 She was a really good person.

00:11:42.000 But she was always upset that I was doing other things and I was hanging out at this pool hall all the time.

00:11:46.000 And she would always give me shit about it.

00:11:48.000 But, you know, I finally, I had to sit her down and have a moment.

00:11:51.000 Like, I have fucking fun there.

00:11:53.000 Do you understand?

00:11:54.000 Again, I have to remind people I'm tripping a bit.

00:11:57.000 Just picturing you at a pool hall is a flashback in a movie and they put weird hair on you.

00:12:07.000 Yeah, a full head of it.

00:12:09.000 Go back to Joe Rogan at pool hall days back in Boston.

00:12:12.000 That's my pool hall days.

00:12:13.000 No, it wasn't in Boston.

00:12:14.000 It was New York.

00:12:15.000 I became obsessed when I first moved to New York.

00:12:17.000 But she hated it.

00:12:18.000 She fucking hated it because I never wanted to hang out with her.

00:12:20.000 And I would tell her, look, you know, and I had a conversation with her.

00:12:23.000 I'm like, look, you're a very cool person.

00:12:24.000 You're very sweet.

00:12:25.000 I don't want to date another girl, but I don't want to fucking hang out with you every day.

00:12:29.000 Well, you hate chicks.

00:12:30.000 I don't hate chicks.

00:12:31.000 I hate dumb ones, though.

00:12:32.000 I hate dumb dudes, and I hate dumb chicks.

00:12:35.000 Equally.

00:12:35.000 It's not a gender thing.

00:12:37.000 It's just dummies.

00:12:38.000 But when you're in that situation, man, when you're just like, God, I just can't.

00:12:41.000 I can't hang out with you all the time.

00:12:43.000 It hurts me.

00:12:44.000 It hurts me to know that there's all this fun going on over there.

00:12:46.000 I'm hanging out with you, and these dudes are gambling and staying up until 3 in the morning, and no one's married, and no one knows what the fuck is going on the next day.

00:12:54.000 They're all wild gambling motherfuckers, and they're my friends, and they're funny, and they say funny shit.

00:12:59.000 And I'm like, what am I going to do?

00:13:00.000 I'm going to hang out with you?

00:13:01.000 And what are you going to tell me?

00:13:01.000 Like, what movies you like?

00:13:03.000 What are you going to tell me?

00:13:03.000 What you like to eat?

00:13:04.000 You know, what your mom said that was mean?

00:13:06.000 You know, Jesus fucking Christ.

00:13:08.000 I want to go have fun.

00:13:09.000 Yeah, no, I think...

00:13:12.000 Go ahead.

00:13:14.000 Are you too far gone?

00:13:15.000 Are you too far gone to talk?

00:13:17.000 No, no, I'm good.

00:13:18.000 I'm good.

00:13:18.000 That thought was cramping my mind.

00:13:21.000 It's so important to have friends that are fun.

00:13:24.000 It's the one thing that you get out of podcasts and shit, too, though.

00:13:29.000 These people that don't know anybody like you, don't know anybody like Joey, They get to talk to you, essentially, on a podcast.

00:13:35.000 They get to kind of feel your vibe, see how you think about things.

00:13:38.000 You sit down and see somebody talk for an hour.

00:13:40.000 You don't just see them talk.

00:13:41.000 You see how they think.

00:13:43.000 You see how they decipher stuff.

00:13:44.000 And it kind of can give you insight on how maybe you're not doing it that way or maybe you could do it that way and it would enhance your shit.

00:13:51.000 You know?

00:13:52.000 Right.

00:13:53.000 It's so important, man.

00:13:54.000 You can get stuck in a fucking bad place with bad friends.

00:13:58.000 Are you freaking out?

00:13:59.000 No, I'm not freaking out.

00:14:00.000 I'm just enjoying the entire fucking...

00:14:02.000 Experience?

00:14:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:14:04.000 Yeah, man.

00:14:04.000 Led Zeppelin's on the wall.

00:14:05.000 We got this new studio for the folks who are just listening on iTunes.

00:14:09.000 If you go to ustream.tv forward slash Joe Rogan, you can watch all these now.

00:14:15.000 And we actually have it set up where we have projectors.

00:14:18.000 Now we're on fucking TV on delay.

00:14:21.000 Yeah, I should not look in that direction.

00:14:23.000 I did that for you.

00:14:25.000 One of my favorite Stan Hope stories that I tell is when you and I did mushrooms and then we went out to the desert and it was the day the war started.

00:14:34.000 Yeah, watching pre-game for the war.

00:14:35.000 I'll never forget this.

00:14:37.000 You and I were sitting in Jan Irvin's living room, twisted to our balls, right?

00:14:42.000 They had a fucking giant kettle of some kind of ayahuasca they were trying to produce.

00:14:46.000 Amanita muscaria.

00:14:48.000 Whatever it was.

00:14:48.000 It gave us just a weird feeling in the head.

00:14:50.000 It didn't get us off at all.

00:14:51.000 It did nothing.

00:14:51.000 I felt like a pauper.

00:14:55.000 I had a little bag of mushrooms in my pocket and then I'd come in and they'd have this whole fucking giant kettle going on.

00:15:02.000 But you know what?

00:15:03.000 The two of them together, though, I think that's what really blasted it off.

00:15:07.000 And, you know, that's what they think Soma was.

00:15:08.000 They think Soma might have been, you know, Soma from, like, the ancient Hindu religion?

00:15:12.000 They don't know what it is, but it was, like, the basis of a lot of their belief and a lot of their, you know, their ancient scriptures talk about it and, like, rave about Soma.

00:15:22.000 And they think that it was Amanita muscaria mushrooms mixed with cubensis mushrooms, like, mixed like that.

00:15:28.000 And that might have been...

00:15:29.000 Because we were fucking blast-a-roo, dude.

00:15:33.000 I remember staring at the wall and looking at this crazy geometric pattern that the universe was made out of.

00:15:39.000 But we're watching Countdown to the war.

00:15:41.000 But you go, you were standing there and you go, holy shit.

00:15:45.000 All I was missing was fucking, what's his name, Frank Caliendo.

00:15:50.000 Doing a depression.

00:15:50.000 Giving his pics as...

00:15:54.000 I'm going to give you my picks as John Madden, who hasn't been relevant for fucking seven years.

00:15:59.000 We're sitting there blasted, and I'll never forget this, because you just go, holy shit, there's a fucking kickoff.

00:16:06.000 There's kickoff to the war, yeah.

00:16:08.000 There's a kickoff.

00:16:09.000 And we were both, like, really just starting a trip.

00:16:13.000 Like, it was just coming on, and then you go, holy shit, there's a kickoff.

00:16:16.000 It's at six.

00:16:17.000 And we just sat down.

00:16:19.000 It's 5.45, we should get a cocktail and some snacks.

00:16:22.000 We sat down and we were like...

00:16:24.000 Terry Bradshaw is going to fucking come on and tell you how he feels.

00:16:28.000 It's like it's the strangest time ever to be alive.

00:16:31.000 What kind of a world is this?

00:16:33.000 They're telling us the war coverage begins at 5. I don't know.

00:16:38.000 What are you saying?

00:16:39.000 They timed it?

00:16:40.000 You tell me they timed it?

00:16:42.000 They waited.

00:16:43.000 Isn't it like a different time over there?

00:16:44.000 So they waited all day.

00:16:45.000 Yeah, and it's not like it was their time.

00:16:48.000 It was prime time here.

00:16:49.000 It was like 6 in the afternoon.

00:16:52.000 Could you imagine if they actually timed the missiles to prime time in America?

00:16:55.000 They probably had...

00:16:56.000 They probably fucking did.

00:16:57.000 They probably fucking did.

00:16:59.000 Right after law and order.

00:16:59.000 It was CNN. CNN had fucking advertisers.

00:17:03.000 Oh, God.

00:17:04.000 Well, you know, George Bush, if...

00:17:07.000 Yeah, 3 in the morning, you know, their time.

00:17:10.000 Yeah, Sizzler, we can get fucking tied to sponsor it if you're going to nuke them at 6. It was such a strange fucking moment, man.

00:17:21.000 What a weird moment.

00:17:23.000 Stan, remember those two broads that live next to you?

00:17:26.000 Remember the tall German chick that was lanky and cute and the short brunette?

00:17:30.000 And then there was the chubbier chick Sage.

00:17:36.000 You did like heroin or something with them?

00:17:39.000 Oh, I did everything with them.

00:17:41.000 Yeah, I remember Sage is the one I remember.

00:17:44.000 Why stop there?

00:17:45.000 Sage is the one I did.

00:17:47.000 Sage's father at one time was the Rolling Stones manager.

00:17:51.000 And what he did for this chick was he bought her a fucking Blockbuster in Ventura.

00:17:55.000 Bought her a Blockbuster.

00:17:56.000 And she said, I don't want a Blockbuster.

00:17:57.000 I think you turned her on to heroin and she was giving me shit about herpes.

00:18:01.000 I go, yeah, I got herpes.

00:18:03.000 I didn't give her no fucking herpes.

00:18:06.000 She was giving me shit about having herpes, but she's over there fucking like...

00:18:13.000 Doing heroin with Joey Diaz.

00:18:15.000 Listen to me.

00:18:15.000 I was homeless.

00:18:18.000 She would come to the store on Sundays and give me pills.

00:18:26.000 And she was an expert in mixing, what was that shit that was big, 10 years?

00:18:30.000 MDBA? MDMA? MDMA with water.

00:18:33.000 Ecstasy with water?

00:18:33.000 With water.

00:18:34.000 She'd drink it, no, no, the other stuff.

00:18:36.000 Oh, GHB. GHB. And she'd bring it to the comedy store, and I'd be hosting on Sundays, and she'd give me drinks with a GSP, whatever the fuck.

00:18:43.000 GSP? Who the fuck it is?

00:18:45.000 GHB, whatever.

00:18:45.000 I'm not impressed with your performance.

00:18:46.000 Listen, so this happened, this went on for six months.

00:18:49.000 It's GHB and really tight trunks.

00:18:50.000 On Sundays, I go to her house.

00:18:53.000 Rogan, I'd go to her house on Sundays after I'd host.

00:18:55.000 She'd come down.

00:18:56.000 We'd buy Coke from Chewy.

00:18:57.000 We'd go to her house.

00:18:58.000 We'd do heroin, eat her ass, pills.

00:19:01.000 I'd whip her.

00:19:02.000 She'd make little shows at lingerie for me.

00:19:05.000 She was 100 pounds overweight, but this bitch was bad.

00:19:07.000 Yeah, I was going to say, it's not an ass you want to eat.

00:19:09.000 No, no, no, no.

00:19:10.000 She lost the weight.

00:19:11.000 She had a diet.

00:19:12.000 Then, I didn't see her for a long time, right?

00:19:15.000 And then, she started coming around the comedy store and giving me that GSP and shit.

00:19:20.000 This is a great story.

00:19:21.000 I forgot about this.

00:19:22.000 I was thinking of Stan Hope on the way up here.

00:19:24.000 And our friend Mike was selling weed.

00:19:27.000 But at one time he worked at CAA. And he goes, listen, one of the interns over there, he blew up.

00:19:31.000 He ended up being Whitney Houston's manager.

00:19:34.000 And the tour manager.

00:19:36.000 And he's looking for powder.

00:19:38.000 So every day they would come over and I would sell Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston You know, they would come over with like $1,100, which was per diem money.

00:19:46.000 I was taking Whitney's per diem money, right?

00:19:49.000 Every day they'd come over with a little white envelope and give me the per diem money, and I'd go up to the Martell cartel, and I'd buy 14 grams of blow, take an eight ball out, and cut it, and then give it to Whitney Houston.

00:20:00.000 And they were fucking going crazy.

00:20:02.000 This went on for 30, 40 days.

00:20:04.000 But I couldn't snort all the blow I was stealing from.

00:20:07.000 I couldn't snort it.

00:20:08.000 It was just too much.

00:20:09.000 So I was giving it to Marilyn Martinez to hold for me.

00:20:13.000 Isn't she dead?

00:20:14.000 She's dead.

00:20:14.000 That's the coke that killed her.

00:20:18.000 So, okay.

00:20:20.000 I got like two ounces of blow, plus I snorted all this coke, and I can't snort no more.

00:20:26.000 One night, I call Marilyn.

00:20:28.000 I go, Marilyn, bring the Coke down to the fucking store, right?

00:20:31.000 I'm selling Coke to Whitney fucking Houston.

00:20:34.000 They're picking me up at 9 in the morning, paging me on the red pager.

00:20:38.000 I'm coming downstairs, getting in the car with them, going to the Martell cartel, to the brothers, going in the house with two grams of Coke already cut in my pocket.

00:20:47.000 And I would just go and take rocks out, throw the cut in, mix it up, and give it right back to them in the car, and they'd be happy as shit.

00:20:52.000 They were inviting me to A&M Records to come party with them.

00:20:54.000 I don't party with anybody.

00:20:55.000 So how much coke were you stealing from them?

00:20:57.000 I was selling them.

00:20:57.000 I was getting them a half ounce and taking an eight ball out and throwing an eight ball to cut in.

00:21:02.000 What is an eight ball?

00:21:03.000 Three and a half grams.

00:21:05.000 I've done coke my entire fucking life and I don't know...

00:21:09.000 Percentages.

00:21:10.000 Like what it costs.

00:21:11.000 Or...

00:21:12.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:21:13.000 People are so sleazy that it's all cut.

00:21:17.000 No, no.

00:21:17.000 The point is, I don't know what it's worth.

00:21:20.000 I know coke because someone goes, hey, do you want to do a bump?

00:21:25.000 And you go, okay.

00:21:26.000 Right.

00:21:26.000 But you don't know what the fuck is.

00:21:27.000 He's never bought it.

00:21:28.000 He does whatever.

00:21:29.000 When you go out with Stanhope, somebody got coke, he'll do coke.

00:21:32.000 You got elephant tranquilizer.

00:21:35.000 Stan Hope's like Uncle Joey.

00:21:36.000 We don't give a fuck.

00:21:37.000 The train's already running.

00:21:38.000 I got nowhere to be tomorrow.

00:21:40.000 Fuck it.

00:21:40.000 We're here already.

00:21:41.000 You know, when I got here, and he said he had mushrooms, I'm like, what the fuck?

00:21:44.000 This is the cocksucker that knocks on your door with rolling papers and no weed.

00:21:48.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:21:48.000 Like, I got no weed, but I got rolling papers.

00:21:51.000 Next time you bring those fucking mushrooms with you, and we could have been right here, this would have been a great fucking podcast.

00:21:56.000 Not that it isn't.

00:21:57.000 So I'm Robin, Whitney, and Bobby Brown.

00:21:59.000 Pfft.

00:21:59.000 For a fucking month, I'm robbing their blow every day.

00:22:02.000 I can't do it.

00:22:03.000 I can't snort it fast enough.

00:22:04.000 How much are they doing?

00:22:05.000 They're doing a half ounce a day.

00:22:06.000 This is 90. No, this is 98. They're doing a half ounce a day, which is three ounces a week.

00:22:14.000 Oh my God.

00:22:14.000 And singing!

00:22:16.000 What does that look like?

00:22:17.000 On ounces like this.

00:22:18.000 Like a half ounce of weed.

00:22:20.000 Oh my god.

00:22:21.000 They're doing one of those a day.

00:22:23.000 Oh my god!

00:22:25.000 Bobby Brown, his face twisted.

00:22:26.000 And I was getting this shit that was flaky.

00:22:28.000 Oh my god.

00:22:29.000 So, right, I tell Marilyn, bring the coat to the store.

00:22:32.000 You would say, like, well, aren't they...

00:22:35.000 Aren't they feeding an entourage at this point?

00:22:37.000 No, I thought it was just those two.

00:22:38.000 But that's the thing about Coke.

00:22:40.000 It's just those two.

00:22:40.000 Yeah, you start, oh, there's only so much Coke left.

00:22:43.000 All right, you gotta go, you gotta go, you gotta go.

00:22:45.000 Right, so this went on.

00:22:47.000 So on Saturday night, I called Marilyn Martinez.

00:22:49.000 I go, Marilyn, do me a favor.

00:22:50.000 Bring the blow to the comedy store because I'm just going to sell it.

00:22:53.000 And a kid, after my set, gives me a little baggie with the bottom of it filled up.

00:22:59.000 Like, not even two lines.

00:23:01.000 And I put it in my pocket, and I take it home.

00:23:03.000 When I get home, I do it.

00:23:04.000 It's not Coke.

00:23:05.000 It's crank.

00:23:06.000 So I'm on fire now.

00:23:08.000 It's 3 in the morning.

00:23:09.000 I'm in my house on fire.

00:23:10.000 I got the Coke hidden in the trunk of the car.

00:23:12.000 His shoe hasn't stopped shaking since then.

00:23:14.000 All right, I have the Coke in the fucking car.

00:23:16.000 No, I'm not bouncing.

00:23:18.000 I have the Coke in the car.

00:23:19.000 I always do that shit.

00:23:21.000 I have the Coke in the car, right?

00:23:22.000 And I wouldn't bring it upstairs because I don't like coke in my house.

00:23:25.000 So I would go down and do a little bump about five in the morning.

00:23:28.000 Whoa, you would always keep it in the car?

00:23:29.000 In the car.

00:23:30.000 I'd hide it under a rock outside.

00:23:31.000 Paranoia is a good thing.

00:23:32.000 I don't like it in the house.

00:23:32.000 It's a Becker top.

00:23:33.000 I don't like it in my house.

00:23:34.000 Better to be paranoid.

00:23:35.000 But I don't like it in my house anyway.

00:23:36.000 I never like coke in my house.

00:23:37.000 It's just bad.

00:23:38.000 I don't like it.

00:23:39.000 I used to leave it outside on the rocks in somebody else's garage.

00:23:42.000 And then I would go over there and do a bump and go back upstairs.

00:23:45.000 So there's one night I go upstairs and the page is going off and it's sage.

00:23:49.000 And I said, fuck it, let me just bring the two ounces to her house of blood.

00:23:53.000 And I brought, at that time it was like an ounce and a half and three quarters.

00:23:56.000 This bitch picked me up at six in the morning with a case of Starbucks coffee in Canada, half a gallon of vodka.

00:24:03.000 And we went back to the house, and we did that whole package of blow, heroin, Valiums, MDMA, GSP. How many days?

00:24:14.000 How many days?

00:24:15.000 Two days.

00:24:16.000 Just two days.

00:24:17.000 Every afternoon I had to get Scott Wolf, Josh Wolf's brother, Fredo, to come get me over by the Directors Guild for two days.

00:24:25.000 I puked till Thursday.

00:24:26.000 Jesus Christ.

00:24:27.000 But here's how sick I was.

00:24:29.000 The fucking Houstons kept calling me.

00:24:30.000 And I'm like, "Fuck you, motherfuckers.

00:24:32.000 I'm out of commission." Right?

00:24:34.000 So finally that next week was the Grammys.

00:24:35.000 This is the last time I seen them.

00:24:37.000 I don't think I told you about this.

00:24:39.000 Last time ever I seen Whitney Houston.

00:24:41.000 I get a call on a Monday morning after the Grammys at 9:00 in the morning.

00:24:45.000 And they're like, is your boy up?

00:24:46.000 He'd have to be.

00:24:47.000 Come get me.

00:24:48.000 And they pull up to my fucking house where I live by the YMCA. And it was the manager, Whitney Houston, and Ricky Martin.

00:24:57.000 In the fucking back.

00:24:58.000 And they're all going.

00:24:59.000 They're going from the Grammys.

00:25:00.000 That jaw, all them jaws are fucking going, Jack.

00:25:04.000 And I get in the car with them.

00:25:05.000 I drive to the Martell cartel.

00:25:06.000 I'm sitting there like I don't even know it's Ricky Martin.

00:25:09.000 I just looked out the window.

00:25:10.000 I was more paranoid than he was.

00:25:12.000 I got in, bought it, brought it back to the car.

00:25:14.000 That's the last time I've fucking seen him.

00:25:17.000 Wow.

00:25:17.000 They went out of town after that.

00:25:18.000 They were here to sing.

00:25:20.000 What year is this?

00:25:21.000 Had to be 98, 97, 99. They were doing the soundtrack to James Bond.

00:25:27.000 A Wycliffe Jean who just robbed half of fucking Haiti.

00:25:30.000 That cocksucker.

00:25:31.000 Robbed Haiti?

00:25:32.000 You didn't see that?

00:25:33.000 He robbed his own fucking earthquake relief fund.

00:25:35.000 No.

00:25:36.000 That million dollars.

00:25:38.000 No.

00:25:39.000 Yeah, bro.

00:25:39.000 That's why I don't send...

00:25:40.000 Unless I see the guy on the street bleeding, I give him money.

00:25:43.000 When you send $100, they get $30 of it.

00:25:45.000 Did you steal my change jar in the late 90s?

00:25:48.000 Probably did, right?

00:25:49.000 No.

00:25:49.000 No, I don't steal my fucking change jar.

00:25:52.000 My fucking change jar!

00:25:54.000 Ha ha ha ha!

00:25:55.000 What's a change jar?

00:25:57.000 It's just a thought that he had in your head.

00:25:59.000 Out of the fucking blues!

00:26:00.000 He was just talking about Robert.

00:26:01.000 I was just thinking about the 90s and where we lived on Curzon, and there was a fucking change jar.

00:26:06.000 I go, that probably is fucking...

00:26:08.000 I called you Joey Jingles for a while.

00:26:11.000 No, no.

00:26:12.000 I would never rob a change jar.

00:26:13.000 I'd rob something big.

00:26:14.000 I know.

00:26:14.000 It was someone who just fucking...

00:26:17.000 A change jar like a fucking cup of change?

00:26:19.000 Yeah.

00:26:19.000 No.

00:26:20.000 Yeah, it was just a weird thought that just came into my head.

00:26:22.000 I think if you pour this for laundry, I'm fucking cold.

00:26:24.000 Sorry, now I've smoked pot, which I never do.

00:26:28.000 What the fuck is wrong with you?

00:26:29.000 A change jar.

00:26:30.000 I'm a professional.

00:26:31.000 No, no.

00:26:32.000 I remember calling you a change jar.

00:26:34.000 I'm a professional.

00:26:35.000 We were doing Seattle one time.

00:26:37.000 I was opening up for Stanhope, and I picked them up in an RV. And it was snowing in Seattle.

00:26:43.000 We went down a hill.

00:26:44.000 Oh, you and that weird chick.

00:26:45.000 What was her fucking name?

00:26:45.000 And the puppy, Carol, who I stuck the fucking aluminum for up her ass.

00:26:48.000 He was around for that.

00:26:49.000 You know all about that shit, Seattle.

00:26:51.000 Hey, Brian, you shouldn't probably play copyrighted shit on the background like this.

00:26:55.000 No, I'm not.

00:26:55.000 I'm just playing old shit.

00:26:57.000 Alright, I'm looking at all these images.

00:26:58.000 You should probably not fucking start defamation suits.

00:27:02.000 That's a defamation suit?

00:27:03.000 Ricky fucking Waters or whatever.

00:27:05.000 It's a true story.

00:27:06.000 If it didn't fucking happen, then it wouldn't give a fuck.

00:27:08.000 Ricky Martin's clean and sober now.

00:27:10.000 He came out of the closet.

00:27:11.000 He's got kids.

00:27:12.000 These opinions and stories are not a representative of the Joe Rogan experience.

00:27:15.000 What is this, Law& Order?

00:27:16.000 What the fuck is this?

00:27:17.000 I was actually promoting copyrighted stuff and...

00:27:21.000 What is this?

00:27:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:27:22.000 Law& Order, this story might think that you might know these individuals.

00:27:26.000 They ain't the fucking people.

00:27:27.000 You know this story's gonna get on the internet now.

00:27:29.000 You know, I've never played...

00:27:30.000 Who gives a fuck?

00:27:31.000 I've never played the brain improv.

00:27:32.000 11 years ago, what did he say to me?

00:27:34.000 No, you remember me, bitch?

00:27:35.000 No, I remember you.

00:27:36.000 What the fuck?

00:27:37.000 Sing, bitch!

00:27:38.000 Sing!

00:27:38.000 I kept her alive for three fucking months, giving her all those rocks.

00:27:42.000 God damn!

00:27:42.000 Rocks and shit!

00:27:43.000 So you think it was just them doing that amount?

00:27:46.000 Joe Rogan, you could go crazy.

00:27:49.000 You got a chick that's sucking your dick.

00:27:51.000 I got no experience with this cocaine.

00:27:53.000 No, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

00:27:54.000 I don't have any experience with it.

00:27:56.000 You'll fucking change, Joe!

00:27:58.000 Jesus Christ!

00:28:01.000 What happened?

00:28:02.000 Did they break into your house and change a change?

00:28:05.000 No, I just noticed all the change had been taken out and nothing else was stolen.

00:28:10.000 I go, who would do that?

00:28:11.000 And I go, I think Joey's back on drugs.

00:28:14.000 Maybe you fucking...

00:28:14.000 So I called you.

00:28:15.000 No, no.

00:28:16.000 It's impossible, Joey.

00:28:17.000 You might have done it and forgot about it.

00:28:18.000 No, I think the last time I went to Stan Hope's house.

00:28:20.000 It was like someone...

00:28:21.000 I had an open house policy.

00:28:22.000 You had an open house policy.

00:28:23.000 I still do.

00:28:24.000 I'm like, who would just...

00:28:26.000 I was just going...

00:28:27.000 This is the fucking, like, 1996. We were all broke.

00:28:30.000 I'm going, which one of my friends would be broke enough to just fucking...

00:28:34.000 And I thought of you.

00:28:36.000 I was at the Coaching Horses one night.

00:28:38.000 Joey Jingles.

00:28:38.000 Out of my fucking mind.

00:28:40.000 And I couldn't walk to Vista, so I went to Stanhope's because he had the open-door policy.

00:28:46.000 I go to Stan Hope's.

00:28:47.000 I open the door.

00:28:47.000 He's got the bunk beds.

00:28:49.000 No, this time in the living room he just had a cot.

00:28:52.000 I get on the cot because I couldn't even make it to the fucking bed.

00:28:55.000 And that's the night there's an earthquake.

00:28:57.000 And I wake up to the house and I open my eyes sideways and I see the clock.

00:29:00.000 So I'm focusing on the clock.

00:29:02.000 But the fucking earth is moving.

00:29:04.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:29:05.000 And that was just...

00:29:06.000 That's, I think, the last time I was...

00:29:07.000 Do you still have that apartment?

00:29:09.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:29:10.000 It's subsidized.

00:29:10.000 You have somebody in there.

00:29:11.000 It's rent control.

00:29:12.000 I still beat the fucking horn.

00:29:13.000 I still live there all the time.

00:29:15.000 I still beat the horn when I go by like a motherfucker out of respect.

00:29:19.000 Oh, no.

00:29:19.000 Hennigan's there now.

00:29:20.000 Is Hennigan here in town?

00:29:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:29:22.000 Do you ever miss LA? Yeah, now.

00:29:26.000 Right now, the fucking drive here was horrific.

00:29:30.000 I was trying to get a hold of you.

00:29:33.000 If we have to do this the next day, I'm going to change my flight.

00:29:36.000 I'm like, I could just fly.

00:29:38.000 I could fucking 10 days off.

00:29:40.000 I'll just fly to fucking somewhere.

00:29:42.000 I never do that.

00:29:43.000 Just fly somewhere for a vacation.

00:29:44.000 Grab my passport.

00:29:45.000 Go to Costa Rica.

00:29:46.000 If I'm going to extend my stay here to fucking hang out with you, I'll probably be fucked up when I leave.

00:29:51.000 Why not?

00:29:52.000 And then just the thought of LAX fucking ruined that entire fantasy.

00:29:57.000 Really?

00:29:58.000 Oh, sorry.

00:29:58.000 Get a talk down here.

00:29:59.000 No, it was perfect.

00:30:00.000 Alright.

00:30:01.000 It was fine.

00:30:01.000 Well, my audio functions are way fucked.

00:30:05.000 Whoa.

00:30:06.000 Oh.

00:30:07.000 Yeah.

00:30:08.000 Medicinally.

00:30:09.000 You know, why'd you move there in the first place?

00:30:12.000 Why'd you decide to...

00:30:12.000 You live in Bisbee, Arizona, in the middle of nowhere, right?

00:30:15.000 What was the...

00:30:16.000 Just wanted to get away?

00:30:18.000 Impulse by.

00:30:18.000 It's a place I found when I was driving on the road.

00:30:21.000 Really?

00:30:21.000 Impulse by?

00:30:23.000 Yeah.

00:30:23.000 I don't even see the inside.

00:30:25.000 Did you know anything about the town?

00:30:26.000 Pictures.

00:30:27.000 Did you know anything about the town?

00:30:30.000 I'd been there a lot.

00:30:32.000 Sorry, I had a fucking...

00:30:33.000 It's fine, dude.

00:30:33.000 Yeah, yeah, no.

00:30:37.000 All right.

00:30:40.000 So, what's the downside?

00:30:46.000 What's the downside of living in a tiny little town like that?

00:30:49.000 Because you're in a town of, what, 6,000 people or something crazy?

00:30:52.000 Yeah, Jake LaMotta has come over to the house a couple times.

00:30:55.000 Jake LaMotta the fighter?

00:30:56.000 Yeah.

00:30:57.000 Really?

00:30:58.000 Yeah.

00:30:58.000 The guy who they made the movie Raging Bull about?

00:31:01.000 Yeah.

00:31:01.000 What's that guy like?

00:31:02.000 You know what?

00:31:03.000 I could do a fucking 20 minute bit.

00:31:06.000 That's the downside.

00:31:08.000 He lives there?

00:31:10.000 Yeah, but you have to be respectful of people there.

00:31:15.000 Any good story that comes out of there, that's your neighbor.

00:31:20.000 That's the downside to living in a small town.

00:31:22.000 Yeah, you can't talk about the fun shit that happens.

00:31:23.000 You can't flip someone off at a fucking stop sign because they cut you off because that guy will be behind you in line at fucking Safeway.

00:31:31.000 Yeah, like how often you run in the same people over and over again?

00:31:33.000 All the time.

00:31:34.000 All the time.

00:31:35.000 Yeah.

00:31:35.000 That's a weird thing, huh?

00:31:36.000 So yeah, you get a fucking really funny fucking bit about your neighbor.

00:31:41.000 So do you guys think that Joey Diaz took care of this change?

00:31:44.000 Real quick?

00:31:45.000 No, I don't think so.

00:31:46.000 There's the spot.

00:31:47.000 There's the spot on the microphone.

00:31:49.000 It doesn't matter.

00:31:50.000 I was looking for it.

00:31:51.000 You're fine.

00:31:51.000 Your voice aren't right.

00:31:53.000 Not to me.

00:31:55.000 Not to you?

00:31:55.000 Really?

00:31:55.000 It sounded fucked?

00:31:56.000 I think it's probably those headphones.

00:31:57.000 I know.

00:31:57.000 I just had a bit of echo.

00:31:59.000 No, it's because my senses are peaked right now.

00:32:03.000 So what's the good side?

00:32:04.000 There's got to be a good side.

00:32:06.000 I fucking love it.

00:32:07.000 One of the bad sides is I hate the road now because I want to be home.

00:32:12.000 Really?

00:32:13.000 Because now you have a lot of friends in town.

00:32:14.000 There's no fucking joy in Cleveland.

00:32:15.000 What am I going to accomplish that I haven't in 21 years?

00:32:19.000 Right.

00:32:19.000 Same thing.

00:32:20.000 Over and over again.

00:32:22.000 Throw soft cock at a younger girl and hang out all night until she's deluded enough.

00:32:27.000 When are we going to do a fucking triple run?

00:32:29.000 Let's do a triple run old school.

00:32:30.000 Take Red Band to drive.

00:32:32.000 I'd fucking love to do that.

00:32:33.000 We did a 10 year anniversary.

00:32:35.000 Ian Becker.

00:32:36.000 Yeah, Becker and I, 10 years from now, we're going to go back and we're going to do a Tribble Run.

00:32:43.000 Tribble Runs are these legendary one-nighters in the Northwest.

00:32:47.000 I forget we're on radio.

00:32:48.000 We should probably fucking entertain or something.

00:32:50.000 No, this is entertaining.

00:32:52.000 Yeah, but...

00:32:55.000 So you'd play Idaho Falls.

00:32:58.000 That's where I met Joey Coco Diaz on a triple gig in Boulder, Colorado.

00:33:02.000 I was a host at the Boulder Broker.

00:33:04.000 The Joker Broker.

00:33:05.000 The Joker Broker, and he came in on a Tuesday and the run was...

00:33:08.000 My driver's license for a long time, because I lived on the road, I didn't have a home, was the fucking Joker Broker's address in Boulder, Colorado.

00:33:16.000 I got a Colorado license.

00:33:17.000 Mike Kessler!

00:33:18.000 Mike Kessler's house.

00:33:19.000 You bought the car from Mike Kessler.

00:33:21.000 Oh, that fucking piece of shit.

00:33:23.000 That's right.

00:33:24.000 Yeah, that fucking Dodge Neon.

00:33:26.000 I had that forever.

00:33:27.000 Jay Moore spotted me in the parking lot of the comedy store in the late 90s and said, oh, Dodge Neon.

00:33:36.000 He had some condescending thing where I'm good for the environment or something.

00:33:40.000 What a cunt that guy is.

00:33:42.000 But we met on the morning.

00:33:45.000 The Boulder Broker run was Tuesday in Boulder, then you had Wednesday off, and then you had Thursday in Craig, Colorado, Friday in some other Gunnison, and it ended up in Colorado Springs at some fucking barn.

00:33:57.000 So Tuesdays you had to come to Boulder, and I became friends with Doug, and then Wednesday you had off, so instead of having him stay at a hotel, he stayed at my house.

00:34:04.000 That's when my wife and I first broke up.

00:34:06.000 It was a condo.

00:34:07.000 That's when I first met him.

00:34:08.000 He was still telemarketing in Vegas.

00:34:10.000 The second time he came back, he had just done evening at the Improv.

00:34:13.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:34:14.000 And you stayed again, and that's how we became friends.

00:34:16.000 I didn't see him again.

00:34:17.000 He won San Francisco, and he came up to Seattle, and then I talked to him.

00:34:21.000 Well, it's fun when you go on one of those gigs and you meet a real comic, you know, because you never know who you're working with.

00:34:26.000 Well, Joey came into the Joker broker.

00:34:28.000 He was like the house MC guy.

00:34:29.000 I was the house MC. But he didn't give a fuck.

00:34:32.000 You're like, hi, I'm the comic, and he's like, I don't know.

00:34:35.000 And he goes on stage, I just had to fucking push me, pull you, like...

00:34:39.000 That's how I remember.

00:34:41.000 He was doing a bit about having the shits and the vomits at the same time.

00:34:46.000 But you knew it was honest, because you could tell by Joey's face.

00:34:49.000 He was a fucking sick person.

00:34:51.000 He was, like, sweating profusely.

00:34:53.000 And it was about having the push-me-pull-you...

00:34:57.000 Shit, we're trying to figure out which end to aim towards the toilet.

00:35:02.000 I got $50 a show and I would sell Valiums.

00:35:04.000 Push me, pull you.

00:35:05.000 I would take 100 Valiums and sell them all for $3 a piece and I would make $50 a show and a steak.

00:35:10.000 It was steak night.

00:35:11.000 And I had to go up every Tuesday in front of the same 80 people and do new material every fucking Tuesday.

00:35:16.000 So I'd have to get the bowl and the paper and write five minutes and no place to practice.

00:35:21.000 I didn't know about that.

00:35:22.000 I thought you just wrote it and brought it up there.

00:35:24.000 And it was the same people and I remember that.

00:35:27.000 If you got them to lift their head up while they were cutting into the steak that they just paid $6.95 for, you know, those type of people, that was their thing on Tuesdays.

00:35:35.000 Two comics and a steak for $14 or whatever the fuck it was, you know?

00:35:39.000 But it's amazing how that's how I got into comedy.

00:35:42.000 If you could get them to look at you, you did your job.

00:35:45.000 I did a gig once for Mike Clark, Lenny Clark's brother.

00:35:48.000 Mike Clark is a great guy.

00:35:50.000 Lenny Clark is one of the legendary comedians of Boston.

00:35:53.000 A fucking awesome guy.

00:35:54.000 And Mike used to book me on a lot of road gigs back in the Boston days.

00:35:58.000 And one of them who booked me was the waiting room of a restaurant.

00:36:01.000 So as people are waiting to be seated, they have a room where they all sit down.

00:36:06.000 I don't know why they didn't just make that a part of the restaurant, too.

00:36:10.000 It was real weird.

00:36:10.000 But they had a band, and then they had a comedian.

00:36:13.000 So these people are just sitting around waiting, and you just go up and start talking about blowjobs and taking shits or whatever stupid act I had at the time.

00:36:22.000 And as I'm talking, I'm in the middle of a bit, right about to hit the punchline, and over the PA system that I'm using, it's like, Johnson, party of two, your table's ready, please come to the front desk.

00:36:33.000 And I'm like, oh no.

00:36:35.000 It was the same sound system.

00:36:37.000 So every time when you were on stage, you could be in the middle of talking, and they would just start announcing people's names.

00:36:42.000 And it would happen like every 15 seconds.

00:36:44.000 It was the most ridiculous gig of all time.

00:36:47.000 And I replaced a host that was a magician that came out with a bird on stage, but the bird would always get stuck on the lights, and he would shit on them, so they had to fire him.

00:36:57.000 That's who I replaced.

00:36:58.000 That's how my comedy career fucking started.

00:37:02.000 And I'll never forget, when I seen the parrot or whatever it was, shit on him, I went right to the manager.

00:37:06.000 I'm like, dog.

00:37:07.000 Because you got the hosting job, was the winner of the Bex comedy competition, Bex beer.

00:37:13.000 Right.

00:37:13.000 And that's how I won.

00:37:14.000 You are more popular than that brand of beer right now.

00:37:17.000 Yeah.

00:37:18.000 Bex beer, yeah.

00:37:18.000 In hindsight, yes.

00:37:20.000 Poor Bex.

00:37:21.000 What happened to that beer?

00:37:22.000 How come that beer never caught on?

00:37:23.000 I still drink Bex.

00:37:24.000 Yeah.

00:37:24.000 It's got something stanky to it.

00:37:27.000 Bex?

00:37:27.000 Yeah, it's like a little...

00:37:28.000 If they're out of Heineken, you'll get a Bex.

00:37:30.000 Yeah, I'll take it, but I don't prefer...

00:37:32.000 People still drink Honey Brown.

00:37:33.000 Remember Honey Brown?

00:37:34.000 Why don't you just make it taste like Heineken?

00:37:35.000 Remember Honey Brown?

00:37:36.000 It was really popular in the early 90s.

00:37:40.000 When you were a kid...

00:37:41.000 What do you think sells more, Bex or Heineken?

00:37:43.000 Heineken, right?

00:37:44.000 Heineken has to.

00:37:45.000 Heineken got commercials running.

00:37:46.000 Is that what it is?

00:37:47.000 I guess so.

00:37:47.000 Bex got a lot of commercials, dude.

00:37:49.000 I haven't seen Bex.

00:37:49.000 I haven't had a Bex in forever.

00:37:50.000 Maybe I'm just prejudiced.

00:37:52.000 Maybe I need to drop the Bex.

00:37:53.000 Go get me a Bex.

00:37:55.000 You are pretty prejudiced with beer, though.

00:37:56.000 I've noticed just from being at comedy clubs, you're always like, what the fuck is that?

00:37:59.000 Why are you drinking that?

00:38:00.000 You've got to get a man's beer like Sam Adams.

00:38:02.000 Well, you start drinking those little light fairy drinks.

00:38:05.000 I'm like, that's not really a beer, goddammit.

00:38:07.000 Try to give me a fucking light beer.

00:38:09.000 Get out of here, bitch.

00:38:10.000 It's not a light beer.

00:38:11.000 It's a light beer.

00:38:12.000 Fucking Sam Adams, that's a man's beer.

00:38:15.000 I hate the beer that I like is advertised to eat.

00:38:17.000 Do you want any beers, Brian?

00:38:18.000 Yeah, you want some?

00:38:18.000 Fuck yeah, son.

00:38:19.000 Are they light beer?

00:38:22.000 They're Stella's and Sam Adams.

00:38:25.000 Sam Adams.

00:38:26.000 Papa.

00:38:27.000 Sam Adams.

00:38:28.000 Stella.

00:38:29.000 Yo, we're in Anover, Mass.

00:38:30.000 And it was at the Club Grill 93. Oh, yeah.

00:38:34.000 And there's three clubs in there.

00:38:35.000 The time I had to follow Joey Diaz.

00:38:37.000 No, no, no.

00:38:38.000 And there's a...

00:38:39.000 On fire.

00:38:40.000 There's a...

00:38:40.000 And that was nobody with a mullet.

00:38:42.000 Oh, please.

00:38:43.000 And he went up on stage, and in the middle of his set, there's a priest walking by.

00:38:46.000 And Stan Hope sees him out of the corner of his eye, and he goes, Hey, Father, where are you going?

00:38:50.000 I got a tit-fuck joke that'll blow your fucking socks off.

00:38:53.000 The whole fucking room.

00:38:54.000 Like, just shit.

00:38:55.000 The priest just ran out of there.

00:38:58.000 Me, him, and Chris motherfucking McGuire.

00:39:00.000 That's who it was.

00:39:01.000 That might have been Aku Aku.

00:39:03.000 Aku Aku, me, you, and Chris McGuire.

00:39:05.000 You want a beer, Joey?

00:39:06.000 No, no, I'm good.

00:39:07.000 Because the priest was there with my dad.

00:39:10.000 We did Aku Aku on Friday night, but we did Grill 93 on Saturday night.

00:39:16.000 That's where I had to follow you in that monster fucking...

00:39:19.000 I was booed off stage.

00:39:20.000 No, he wasn't.

00:39:22.000 I got booed off stage when I followed Jim Brewer once.

00:39:25.000 Really?

00:39:26.000 Yeah.

00:39:26.000 Nanuet, New York, I think it was.

00:39:27.000 Maybe not Nanuet.

00:39:28.000 Somewhere in the outside of New York.

00:39:32.000 It was humiliating.

00:39:35.000 I died a brutal, horrible death.

00:39:37.000 I didn't know how to get myself out of a bad mindset back then.

00:39:42.000 And if anything happened bad during the day, if I got in a fight with a chick...

00:39:46.000 Anything that went wrong, I could spiral on stage.

00:39:49.000 Like, I could do good.

00:39:50.000 I could hold it together.

00:39:51.000 But I really had no business headlining.

00:39:53.000 And Brewer was having good sets all week.

00:39:55.000 We were both having good sets.

00:39:56.000 There were fun crowds.

00:39:58.000 But on the last show on Saturday night, it was a late show, and the crowd was fucking drunk, and he killed.

00:40:06.000 He fucking killed!

00:40:08.000 And I was standing backstage, and this is when my manager had just convinced me to start dressing nice.

00:40:13.000 So I was wearing, like, club pants.

00:40:15.000 I was wearing, like, a nice pair of slacks and some nice shoes.

00:40:19.000 And I looked like the most unfunny fuck on earth.

00:40:23.000 And I knew it!

00:40:25.000 And I felt it.

00:40:26.000 I'm dressed like this fucking stylish douchebag.

00:40:31.000 And I'm going to go on stage and I don't dress like this.

00:40:33.000 This is not how I would dress if I was hanging out with my friends.

00:40:35.000 This is not comfortable.

00:40:37.000 This is fucking the clothes of an asshole.

00:40:39.000 And so I felt backstage.

00:40:41.000 I was like, shit.

00:40:42.000 I'm like, I can't be thinking like this.

00:40:44.000 I can't be thinking that I shouldn't be dressed like this.

00:40:45.000 But I couldn't help it.

00:40:47.000 And my knee was fucked up at the time.

00:40:49.000 I had just gotten...

00:40:50.000 My ACL had just torn.

00:40:51.000 I hadn't had the surgery yet.

00:40:52.000 So I couldn't move good on stage.

00:40:54.000 If I moved funny one way or another, my leg would pop out.

00:40:57.000 So I had all this shit in my head.

00:40:59.000 Like, oh, what if my knee pops out?

00:41:01.000 Fuck, I don't feel funny.

00:41:02.000 And I went on stage and just ate dick.

00:41:06.000 I mean, every joke that came out of my mouth, I didn't know how to say it right.

00:41:10.000 My timing was off.

00:41:12.000 I was panicking.

00:41:13.000 And the worst part about it was this dude fucking in the crowd goes, man, you're not fucking funny.

00:41:18.000 And I couldn't say anything to him.

00:41:21.000 I couldn't say anything to him because I know he's right.

00:41:25.000 All I can say to him is, you're not helping.

00:41:27.000 This is not helping.

00:41:28.000 But there's nothing in that.

00:41:31.000 Just pointing out that he's an asshole.

00:41:32.000 He knows he's an asshole.

00:41:33.000 He thinks he's entitled to be an asshole.

00:41:35.000 He paid to see my shitty act.

00:41:37.000 And that was a huge learning point for me, man, about the mindset that you have to have when you go on stage.

00:41:44.000 When you're young and your life is in disorder and you go on stage like that, you could have a goddamn tailspin.

00:41:51.000 I'm gonna be at the Comedy Store bombing one night.

00:41:54.000 It's great though.

00:41:55.000 Let me just address the fucking elephant in my head.

00:42:01.000 Oh shit.

00:42:02.000 I'm fucked.

00:42:04.000 You're gonna be fine.

00:42:05.000 You're gonna be fine.

00:42:06.000 Listen, this is not...

00:42:07.000 Joey and I are gonna come with you to the Bray and Bray.

00:42:10.000 No, I can't go to Bray.

00:42:11.000 Alright, I'm gonna come with...

00:42:11.000 Brian and I will come with you.

00:42:13.000 I can't go to Bray.

00:42:14.000 Shit!

00:42:14.000 I will come with you.

00:42:15.000 I am fucked.

00:42:16.000 We're gonna be fine.

00:42:17.000 Whatever you passed...

00:42:18.000 I don't smoke pot.

00:42:20.000 You're on mushrooms, pal.

00:42:22.000 You're on mushrooms.

00:42:22.000 The pot enhances it.

00:42:23.000 The pot shakes it up.

00:42:24.000 And the 5H DP. See the 5H DP? I just wanted...

00:42:28.000 You got cigarettes?

00:42:30.000 What do you expect?

00:42:31.000 I want to just throw out a quick disclaimer.

00:42:34.000 I'm even going to smoke a cigarette.

00:42:35.000 That's how wide you motherfuckers got me now.

00:42:37.000 You guys are crazy.

00:42:38.000 I really have no concept of fucking time.

00:42:41.000 Don't worry about it.

00:42:42.000 Don't worry about it.

00:42:43.000 Let it go.

00:42:44.000 I haven't talked in like...

00:42:45.000 This is what I'm going to tell you.

00:42:47.000 But it seems like...

00:42:47.000 Okay.

00:42:48.000 I'm going to help you right here.

00:42:49.000 I'm going to help you right here.

00:42:50.000 You're tripping.

00:42:50.000 I'm not.

00:42:51.000 So let me take care of everything.

00:42:54.000 I'll get you to your show.

00:42:56.000 You live on this weed.

00:42:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:42:57.000 You're fine.

00:42:58.000 The mushrooms you're not afraid of, the weed is what's freaking out?

00:43:01.000 And there's more where that came from.

00:43:03.000 Introspective juice, bro.

00:43:04.000 It taps you into the fucking nature of the universe.

00:43:06.000 Oh, I was just getting out the fucking, like, the problems that I had in my head, and then I'll be fine now.

00:43:13.000 I just wanted to say I really don't have any concept of time right now.

00:43:16.000 Good, good.

00:43:17.000 That's good.

00:43:17.000 I got it.

00:43:17.000 I got you.

00:43:19.000 Okay, so you can...

00:43:20.000 Good.

00:43:20.000 You said it so that now it's my responsibility.

00:43:22.000 I'm going to get you to your show.

00:43:24.000 Who are you working with tonight?

00:43:25.000 I'm not worried about anything.

00:43:26.000 I had to get that thought out.

00:43:28.000 I was looking at you kind of melting, wanting to say, but I didn't want to interrupt your story.

00:43:33.000 You're beautiful, baby.

00:43:35.000 Look at me with these glasses on.

00:43:37.000 I'm not fucking 22 fucking kicking on the couch saying call 911. Nah, fuck.

00:43:44.000 Stanhope and I did DMT. One weird thing I had to get out of my system.

00:43:47.000 Stanhope and I did DMT, and Stanhope went into almost like a semi-seizure.

00:43:52.000 And it was the only time I had ever been around anybody who did DMT. Yeah, that's when you came out.

00:43:58.000 But before you came out of it, you were moaning, man.

00:44:01.000 You were like this.

00:44:02.000 Yeah!

00:44:04.000 Yeah!

00:44:05.000 And it was like you got knocked out, dude.

00:44:08.000 It was the same sound that a guy makes when he gets brutally knocked out.

00:44:11.000 When a guy just gets fucking smashed, they have this...

00:44:15.000 Like the guy last night in the Ultimate Fighter, the first fight.

00:44:17.000 I didn't see the fights last night.

00:44:19.000 Fucking spoiler alert, Joey.

00:44:21.000 Well, I don't know who it happened to, so thanks for not saying the names.

00:44:24.000 But I'm going to go check it out tonight.

00:44:26.000 This weekend, man, I wish you could come.

00:44:28.000 You're not around this weekend.

00:44:29.000 Nah, I'm busy this weekend.

00:44:30.000 Dom Herrera's coming.

00:44:31.000 Dom Herrera's coming to the fights.

00:44:32.000 Ari's coming.

00:44:33.000 Is he working with Dom Herrera in Vegas?

00:44:35.000 No, he's just coming down to see the fights.

00:44:37.000 Dom Herrera is really good at pool.

00:44:39.000 Dom Herrera and I play pool sometimes.

00:44:41.000 We're going to go watch some professionals gamble.

00:44:43.000 There's this thing called TheActionReport.com and they have professional pool players and they have these big high-level gambling matches where they all pool together like $50,000, $100,000.

00:44:54.000 The buy-in is usually like $10,000 each guy and then they bet a bunch of money on the side.

00:44:59.000 Brian, that shit is really distracting.

00:45:01.000 I'm trying to put something on it.

00:45:02.000 No, no.

00:45:03.000 Not as distracting.

00:45:04.000 Leave the lights on.

00:45:04.000 Not as distracting as...

00:45:06.000 That's Joey's breathing?

00:45:09.000 He's breathing.

00:45:10.000 I was on Opie and Anthony.

00:45:11.000 He's writing the mic like the fucking Darth Vader.

00:45:13.000 I was on Opie and Anthony the other day, and I was listening to it when I was in my car, and Bobby Kelly's like, Joe, what are you fucking breathing?

00:45:18.000 What's up with your breathing?

00:45:19.000 And I didn't hear it when I was on the phone, but then I was listening on the radio.

00:45:23.000 I have a stupid headset, and it sits in front of my nostrils.

00:45:26.000 So as I'm talking, I'm like...

00:45:31.000 I don't even realize I'm doing this.

00:45:33.000 It was the most annoying fucking thing ever.

00:45:36.000 So all you who were listening that day, I'm really sorry.

00:45:38.000 I did not know that I was making those annoying noises in the background.

00:45:41.000 There's going to be some great fights this weekend and motherfucking next weekend.

00:45:45.000 Oh, yeah.

00:45:45.000 Oh, absolutely.

00:45:46.000 You got John Jones Machida.

00:45:48.000 They just announced Ellen Berger against Diego Sanchez.

00:45:52.000 Eve Edwards versus El Cucuy on Spike TV. Oh, shit.

00:45:56.000 What about fucking Phil Davis against Rashad?

00:45:58.000 They're finally doing that in February or January.

00:46:01.000 Yeah, of course.

00:46:01.000 You're going to Japan.

00:46:02.000 I love it.

00:46:03.000 Mayhem and Bisping is going to be a crazy fight.

00:46:05.000 Five rounds, too.

00:46:06.000 Five rounds.

00:46:06.000 Yes, it is.

00:46:07.000 Yes, it is.

00:46:07.000 That's going to be a great fucking fight.

00:46:08.000 God, I wish we were going to be there.

00:46:09.000 Yeah, we'd go for it.

00:46:10.000 Ari Shaffir is going to be there, ladies and gentlemen.

00:46:12.000 He's also going to be playing his famous Ari Shaffir.

00:46:15.000 Wait, wait, wait.

00:46:15.000 Non-UFC sponsored, non-UFC sanctioned Hunt for the Edible.

00:46:19.000 I don't know what that means, but if you want to follow it, and I have no connection to this whatsoever, go to Ari Shaffir on Twitter.

00:46:25.000 At A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. And he may or may not be hiding weed places.

00:46:30.000 Ari, listen.

00:46:31.000 To the UFC on Fox, Ari showed up with a bag of caramels.

00:46:35.000 Ari always has 29,000 edibles close by.

00:46:38.000 The other day I called him and I go, I can't believe I'm in traffic.

00:46:42.000 He goes, now you know I always have weed in my car.

00:46:45.000 Yeah.

00:46:45.000 And he talked me into rolling the joint on the 405. He goes, roll it.

00:46:48.000 Who gives a fuck?

00:46:49.000 Smoke it.

00:46:50.000 You rolled it while you were stuck in traffic?

00:46:51.000 Fuck yeah.

00:46:52.000 That's beautiful.

00:46:53.000 One fucking hand.

00:46:54.000 Old school.

00:46:54.000 You know what I like, man?

00:46:55.000 I don't mind being in my car in traffic as long as I got that hands-free system and I can talk to people on the phone.

00:47:00.000 Yeah, it's great.

00:47:00.000 You can talk to people.

00:47:00.000 It's not bad, man.

00:47:01.000 You can have a conversation.

00:47:02.000 I have nice, long conversations with friends.

00:47:05.000 Well, you catch up.

00:47:06.000 Yeah, catch up.

00:47:06.000 Now you catch up on the 20 phone calls you've been...

00:47:09.000 Everybody's texting.

00:47:10.000 That's all everybody does is text these days.

00:47:12.000 The calls to text, it's like text is five to one.

00:47:16.000 Have you been doing any of the Siri texting while you're in the car?

00:47:19.000 No, as soon as I found out that Siri goes to a fucking database, I just said, why am I doing this?

00:47:24.000 Yeah, everything you do goes to a database.

00:47:26.000 I thought you were talking about that fucking shit that we were talking about the other day.

00:47:31.000 Apparently that was in iOS, the iPhone operating system, in a diagnostic mode only back in the day.

00:47:39.000 But it's not in it like Android phones.

00:47:42.000 Brian and I are talking about some new thing that came out.

00:47:45.000 What is it called?

00:47:45.000 IQ Client?

00:47:46.000 Yeah, IQ Client.

00:47:47.000 Something like that?

00:47:48.000 Is there a reason why they say it's in there?

00:47:51.000 Have they released that?

00:47:51.000 I don't think anybody's figured it out yet.

00:47:53.000 It's just been recently discovered.

00:47:55.000 And what it is, for the folks who don't know what the fuck we're talking about...

00:47:58.000 When you buy an Android phone, Doug Stanhope, you have an Android phone now, alright?

00:48:02.000 You fucked up.

00:48:03.000 You should have went iPhone.

00:48:04.000 I know you tried to be a nice contrarian and go against the tide.

00:48:07.000 I got what they had.

00:48:08.000 You use a Windows computer too, don't you?

00:48:09.000 Give me one of those things I can fucking see so I don't have to put on reading glasses.

00:48:14.000 Well, apparently every time you send a text, it logs it in a database somewhere.

00:48:19.000 It stores it.

00:48:20.000 Every key press.

00:48:21.000 Everything you do is logged in a database somewhere.

00:48:25.000 Sorry, my girlfriend doesn't get on the line much.

00:48:28.000 That's not even it.

00:48:29.000 You think these are the only people that do this, Joe?

00:48:31.000 No, no, it's not that I don't think.

00:48:33.000 It's that it's been proven, and that's where it gets interesting.

00:48:36.000 It's not that I don't think other people have done it.

00:48:37.000 I mean, I think the FBI... It can be done.

00:48:40.000 The CIA has been trying to do this, trying to have the ability to spy on people.

00:48:44.000 And, you know, the argument is, well, if you're not doing anything wrong, what are you worried about?

00:48:48.000 Yeah, but the point is, it can be done, so it will be.

00:48:51.000 So get in the fucking database.

00:48:53.000 Yeah.

00:48:54.000 And then manipulate that.

00:48:55.000 It's a shit argument.

00:48:57.000 That argument, like, if you're not doing anything wrong, why are you worried about it?

00:49:00.000 That's a shit argument.

00:49:01.000 They shouldn't be finding every fucking number you press.

00:49:05.000 Then let me film you poop.

00:49:07.000 I want to see how much you...

00:49:08.000 Do you look at the paper?

00:49:09.000 You're not doing anything wrong.

00:49:11.000 Yeah, let me do it.

00:49:12.000 But I also don't want somebody to know how many times I do happy faces, you know, or stupid stuff like that.

00:49:17.000 Right.

00:49:18.000 I do stuff that I'm like...

00:49:19.000 I do happy faces all day.

00:49:21.000 What's wrong with that?

00:49:22.000 It's not their business.

00:49:23.000 At the other end of this fucking wire, there's the human being that does that, and he'll be dead with all that information.

00:49:30.000 Who gives a fuck?

00:49:30.000 No, it's not that, man.

00:49:32.000 You know what the real picture is?

00:49:33.000 It's not that.

00:49:33.000 What the real picture is is that we're losing all of our secrets.

00:49:36.000 Yeah.

00:49:37.000 And it's going to come to a point in time where there will be no secrets at all.

00:49:39.000 Yeah, absolute honesty.

00:49:41.000 Yeah, absolute honesty.

00:49:43.000 It's like you can't fight this.

00:49:45.000 It's a compelling fucking thought.

00:49:45.000 It is a compelling thought, but everyone's terrified of it because it's being controlled by a group of us.

00:49:51.000 It's by one group of the population, the people who have this information that's being controlled by them.

00:49:56.000 And we don't like the idea of anybody having any control over any of us because we know it's natural human nature to want to dominate people.

00:50:03.000 So when you see something like this, and there's a database that records everything, that's inevitable, right?

00:50:09.000 I mean, if this is the direction that it's going, if you look at just how interconnected everybody is with Facebook now, and you just look at...

00:50:15.000 That's a reason, Twitter.

00:50:16.000 That's a reason.

00:50:17.000 It's going in that direction.

00:50:18.000 Look at everything.

00:50:19.000 The person in the cubicle next to you is now a celebrity because she can ego surf herself and go, yeah, fucking Candy Stouffer is a fucking cunt.

00:50:28.000 She talks too loud and her breath smells.

00:50:31.000 And that's just because the fucking person next to you in the cubicle that you bitch at every morning is Facebooking about you.

00:50:38.000 So, yeah...

00:50:39.000 And you could get famous with one fucking YouTube video.

00:50:43.000 You can have one YouTube video you put up there and you can get famous.

00:50:47.000 And you'll be as famous as the next YouTube video.

00:50:50.000 Unless you're really good.

00:50:52.000 But that's a good thing.

00:50:53.000 Yeah, it is a good thing.

00:50:54.000 Yeah.

00:50:55.000 The whole thing's amazing.

00:50:56.000 It's bizarre.

00:50:56.000 Remember Clear Channel?

00:50:58.000 Yeah.

00:50:58.000 Just the word struck fear.

00:51:00.000 What a fucking corporate...

00:51:01.000 I don't even know if they exist anymore.

00:51:04.000 I think they do.

00:51:05.000 Well, because this is what matters.

00:51:07.000 Yeah.

00:51:08.000 Podcasts, what people...

00:51:10.000 I was about to dump Sirius, but now you're getting a show on Sirius.

00:51:14.000 Well, we've been on Sirius for a while on Saturday and Sunday, but fucking dump it.

00:51:17.000 Who gives a shit?

00:51:19.000 No, don't dump it, Joe.

00:51:20.000 You don't want to dump Sirius radio.

00:51:22.000 I love Sirius, but I'm just not telling you what to do.

00:51:24.000 No, if I knew I could get it in my car, I'd listen.

00:51:26.000 I'd get to fucking drive an hour and a half to an airport every time.

00:51:28.000 You could get it in your car.

00:51:29.000 Yeah, you can get it in your car.

00:51:30.000 Yeah, I get Sirius.

00:51:31.000 Dude, yes.

00:51:32.000 Every weekend, we're on the Opie and Anthony channel.

00:51:35.000 It used to be the virus, but now it's the Opie and Anthony channel.

00:51:38.000 Joe, we should give free passes from Sirius at least.

00:51:40.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous.

00:51:42.000 See, we could give Doug a free year right now.

00:51:44.000 Yeah, we pay for our own Sirius.

00:51:45.000 Talk good about Sirius here.

00:51:46.000 But yeah, it's fun.

00:51:47.000 It's cool.

00:51:48.000 I love the fact that he can be in the car.

00:51:50.000 And I listen to series every day.

00:51:52.000 I listen to O.P. Anthony basically every day.

00:51:54.000 Ron and Fez.

00:51:55.000 And I listen to news, CNN. There's a lot of good talk radio stations.

00:51:58.000 I have this built-in thing.

00:52:00.000 I can't get the XM things for some reason.

00:52:03.000 Really?

00:52:03.000 Why is that?

00:52:03.000 Or maybe I haven't tried.

00:52:04.000 No, you can't now, I think.

00:52:06.000 Maybe you just need to up your prescription.

00:52:09.000 I have Stern, CNN, BBC, CNN. There's no music on my fucking presets.

00:52:16.000 I have classic vinyl because every now and then I'll hit it for a goof and something goes, ooh, yeah, I forgot that one.

00:52:22.000 You have a record player in your car?

00:52:24.000 No, classic vinyl's a station, you fuck.

00:52:27.000 Get it?

00:52:28.000 Oh, Brian.

00:52:30.000 You buffoon.

00:52:31.000 You need to get an O'Brien shirt.

00:52:32.000 What the fuck, bro?

00:52:33.000 Come on, dog.

00:52:34.000 Dog, it's only 4.30.

00:52:36.000 It's only 4.30, cocksucker.

00:52:38.000 Oh, good.

00:52:39.000 It's only 4.30.

00:52:40.000 Oh, you got tons of time, guys.

00:52:41.000 Yeah, no, I just...

00:52:42.000 I wanted to actually put my watch on the table as a...

00:52:47.000 They dropped a bomb on me late, so...

00:52:50.000 Are you coming December 30th, that UFC? Brock Lesnar versus Alistair Overeem?

00:52:56.000 No, I'm going to do New Year's with you.

00:52:58.000 Okay.

00:52:59.000 We're going to do a Vegas show in February, around Super Bowl time.

00:53:06.000 Right, the 4th.

00:53:06.000 Yeah, we're going to do another one.

00:53:08.000 Big, big, big, big.

00:53:09.000 Two UFC questions.

00:53:11.000 A, does anyone in the UFC, do any of the fighters not like you?

00:53:16.000 I get along with pretty much every one of them.

00:53:18.000 I don't have any problems with it.

00:53:20.000 If I do, I always straighten it out.

00:53:22.000 It's a difficult thing when you're criticizing people that can beat the fuck out of you, and you're criticizing them about their ability to beat the fuck out of each other.

00:53:29.000 And you've got to go, look, man, I'm not saying I can do it better than you, because that's the automatic presumption.

00:53:34.000 I'm just saying, this is what you're doing wrong.

00:53:36.000 I can see it.

00:53:37.000 Now, who's fighting for the Super Bowl Saturday?

00:53:40.000 Who's fighting the Super Bowl?

00:53:42.000 Earlier, did you say Bisping's not fighting the fucking guy from the show again?

00:53:46.000 No, Bisping's fighting Mayhem.

00:53:48.000 Oh, okay.

00:53:50.000 I thought I heard a different name.

00:53:52.000 No, they're fighting and they're fighting this weekend.

00:53:55.000 This is a fucking huge fight for Mayhem.

00:53:58.000 And for Bisping, this brings him into top contender status.

00:54:02.000 If he beats Mayhem, he's right up there with everybody else.

00:54:05.000 Does Mayhem have credits other than the stupid...

00:54:10.000 Fraudulent VH. It wasn't fraudulent.

00:54:12.000 It was irresponsible, perhaps.

00:54:14.000 No, just fraudulent from just a viewer's level.

00:54:19.000 Like, oh yeah, they have a beef and they're gonna...

00:54:22.000 I changed y'all, cocksucker!

00:54:26.000 That's what you thought of.

00:54:27.000 I rubbed your fucking change jar.

00:54:29.000 That's why Joey wants to leave.

00:54:31.000 I'm on UFC.com.

00:54:32.000 They don't have the Super Bowl card up yet.

00:54:36.000 As big as this cup.

00:54:36.000 That's how big it is.

00:54:38.000 No, it's more of a jar.

00:54:39.000 They don't have the Super Bowl card up here, unfortunately.

00:54:43.000 We can all talk about it.

00:54:45.000 Joey Jingles, watch your fucking change jar, people.

00:54:48.000 Joey Jingles, that's your new nickname.

00:54:51.000 Joey Jingles.

00:54:52.000 The only time I got in trouble, I would steal change out of cars and shit, was when I was an open miker, open miker, and I sold cars, and at night I was living in the city, and I needed change to get back over the fucking bridge.

00:55:05.000 And I would steal quarters or dimes to get $1.35 or something.

00:55:09.000 It was one of those periods, and this is why you always have to worry.

00:55:14.000 When your friends are telling you they don't do drugs, that's when you worry about them.

00:55:20.000 When they go, oh yeah, I'm fucking doing heroin, fucking sage all night.

00:55:24.000 That's a guy you can trust.

00:55:26.000 It's a guy, no, I cleaned up.

00:55:28.000 Do you need any landscaping done?

00:55:32.000 You need me to house sit while you're gone?

00:55:34.000 I've cleaned up.

00:55:35.000 That was some fucking crazy times.

00:55:38.000 Those are some crazy fucking times, man.

00:55:40.000 I really don't have this Joey Jingles thing.

00:55:43.000 I hope he's not really fixated.

00:55:47.000 It's just a weird thought that came into my head about a change jar and Joey Jingles.

00:55:51.000 I remember being at the Coach and Horses.

00:55:55.000 Coached up to the point where I couldn't talk.

00:55:57.000 Looking to my left and seeing James Gandolfini there with two of the hottest fucking blondes you've ever seen in your life, ready to get his dick sucked.

00:56:05.000 Looking at me, and he's as whacked up as I am.

00:56:08.000 Like him looking at me and me looking at him going, what up, dude?

00:56:12.000 And me being fucked up with that friend of yours, the girl.

00:56:15.000 Me and Hedberg went in there when he lived on Sierra Bonita.

00:56:19.000 I was fucking staying on his couch, and we went in there as like a dare.

00:56:24.000 Right.

00:56:26.000 We always walk past it.

00:56:28.000 It's right up the fucking street.

00:56:29.000 And then you realize how cool it was?

00:56:31.000 And no one was in there.

00:56:32.000 They had this bartender named Ginger.

00:56:35.000 Ginger!

00:56:36.000 She was like fucking throw mama from the train.

00:56:39.000 You know mama?

00:56:40.000 Yeah.

00:56:40.000 She was that fucked up and she was...

00:56:44.000 And she was covered in liver spots or crank sores or whatever.

00:56:48.000 She's still alive?

00:56:49.000 No.

00:56:49.000 This is all fucking 90s.

00:56:53.000 She had been a bartender there since its heyday before.

00:56:58.000 Wow.

00:56:58.000 You know how dive bars go.

00:57:00.000 They go through.

00:57:02.000 So they couldn't fire her and this old alcoholic ran it.

00:57:05.000 But she threw a blind guy out of the bar for having a dog.

00:57:11.000 There's no dogs!

00:57:12.000 And then the regulars that knew her were trying to explain, no, it's a seeing eye dog.

00:57:18.000 He's blind.

00:57:20.000 I don't care, no dogs!

00:57:22.000 Wow.

00:57:23.000 This is like horrific fucking human being.

00:57:26.000 You'd be sitting at the bar and your drink is out and...

00:57:34.000 Am I good?

00:57:38.000 Everyone's listening to me, so I got thrown off.

00:57:40.000 It's just the sound of Joey's breathing and the silence together.

00:57:43.000 It was disturbing for all of us.

00:57:44.000 You know, you'd have an empty drink and she'd go out, and people would say, no, I'm good right now.

00:57:50.000 And she'd go, this isn't a bus stop!

00:57:54.000 Wow.

00:57:55.000 That's why there was no one in there.

00:57:57.000 But then the next thing you know, you're fucking doing...

00:58:00.000 It was Quentin Tarantino, I think.

00:58:02.000 It was me and Hedberg and Quentin Tarantino, and that's it in this dive shithole.

00:58:08.000 It's closed now, right?

00:58:10.000 Yeah.

00:58:10.000 Remember when we used to play tennis?

00:58:11.000 That place is closed?

00:58:13.000 Tennis.

00:58:13.000 Remember we used to get tennis rackets and play tennis?

00:58:15.000 I have pictures of it, yeah.

00:58:16.000 Me, him, and Hedberg.

00:58:18.000 What was the kid with the long hair from Seattle that was in Ireland doing comedy?

00:58:22.000 Oh, Shard Hogan or something?

00:58:24.000 No!

00:58:25.000 Oh, my God.

00:58:26.000 All those guys.

00:58:29.000 Dave Fulton.

00:58:30.000 Dave Fulton.

00:58:32.000 Stanhope had to rent a car that was in front of his house.

00:58:35.000 Again, you could just jump in it and drive it whenever you need it.

00:58:38.000 But the gas gauge was broken.

00:58:41.000 I got busted one time in Santa Monica and San Vicente on fucking rush hour.

00:58:45.000 Because, you know, you just get in the car.

00:58:47.000 I have an audition, Stanhope.

00:58:48.000 I'm going to buy it.

00:58:48.000 Take the car.

00:58:49.000 Boom!

00:58:50.000 Get in the fucking car.

00:58:51.000 Ran out of gas.

00:58:52.000 Oh, my God.

00:58:54.000 No fucking nailing.

00:58:54.000 Because the gas gauge is broken.

00:58:56.000 That's what it was.

00:58:56.000 You have no fucking idea.

00:58:58.000 Another night, Stan Hope is out of town or something like that.

00:59:01.000 And he goes, take the car, Celine.

00:59:04.000 And Celine goes, take the car and just bring it to Stan Hope's in the morning.

00:59:07.000 I park it on Sunset and they fucking tow it.

00:59:10.000 The white neon.

00:59:11.000 $200 for the white neon.

00:59:13.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:59:14.000 10 in the fucking morning.

00:59:15.000 Remember when you lived in Venice in that house that was painted like the American flag?

00:59:19.000 Yeah, they painted it right after 9-11.

00:59:22.000 They painted this giant duplex, and it was giant stars and fucking stripes.

00:59:29.000 Oh, so Super Bowl weekend is Diaz versus St. Pierre.

00:59:33.000 Oh, shit, yeah.

00:59:34.000 Yeah, I don't know if St. Pierre is fully repaired, though.

00:59:37.000 He's repaired.

00:59:38.000 He had an injury.

00:59:38.000 The anger he had from listening to Diaz healed the fucking thing.

00:59:42.000 Just healed it.

00:59:43.000 I hope so.

00:59:44.000 A lot of other fights.

00:59:45.000 Carlos Condit, Josh Costa.

00:59:47.000 Listen, let's stop fucking talking like fans and talk like men.

00:59:51.000 We don't watch GSP for his knees, alright?

00:59:54.000 Keep wearing those tight fucking shorts.

00:59:56.000 I love you motherfuckers.

00:59:58.000 Do you like the fact that he shaved?

00:59:59.000 Is that what it is?

01:00:00.000 I don't know what it is, but yeah.

01:00:02.000 Sunday, we're going to have a show here at the Ice House, 8pm.

01:00:04.000 Is that what it is, Brian?

01:00:05.000 Yeah.

01:00:08.000 Podcast starts at 7, shows at 8 o'clock.

01:00:11.000 Powerful, ladies and gentlemen.

01:00:12.000 Joe Diaz, ladies and gentlemen.

01:00:13.000 Follow him on Twitter.

01:00:14.000 It's Mad Flavor.

01:00:16.000 Mad Flavor, bitches.

01:00:18.000 Funniest fucking guy in the world.

01:00:20.000 Love you, too, man.

01:00:22.000 I'll see you Sunday.

01:00:24.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:00:25.000 Powerful Joe Diaz Ralphie Mae was making out with your mom?

01:00:34.000 Oh, yeah.

01:00:35.000 We were...

01:00:35.000 Whoa, wait a minute.

01:00:36.000 We had talked...

01:00:37.000 Hold the fuck on.

01:00:38.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:00:41.000 The cats.

01:00:41.000 I fucking...

01:00:42.000 I still talk about them.

01:00:44.000 I still talk about them.

01:00:45.000 I act.

01:00:46.000 ...and Stanhope's mother's cat died.

01:00:48.000 So she had to wait for the cat, and she put a little towel, and she put the fucking towel, and she had all the cats sit around the dead cat and look at them and express their condolences to the cat.

01:00:58.000 And I told Mrs. Stanhope, Mrs. Stanhope, she goes, look at them.

01:01:01.000 They love the cat.

01:01:02.000 I go, they don't love them.

01:01:03.000 They're sitting around going, how are we going to get that ear?

01:01:04.000 I need that ear.

01:01:05.000 I need that leg.

01:01:06.000 I need that tail.

01:01:07.000 Because everybody was missing something.

01:01:08.000 Her mother was great for cats.

01:01:10.000 If a cat was missing a leg, that belonged to Mrs. Stanhope.

01:01:12.000 Fuck it.

01:01:13.000 And that leads me into plugging the Tucson December 10th.

01:01:20.000 December 10th, Tucson.

01:01:22.000 Fucking Joey Diaz says he's showing up.

01:01:24.000 Sean Rouse says he's showing up.

01:01:25.000 What is it?

01:01:26.000 We already have Brendan Walsh, Brody Stevens.

01:01:30.000 It's Saturday, December 10th.

01:01:32.000 What is it?

01:01:33.000 Where are you at?

01:01:34.000 It's the Rialto Theater in Tucson.

01:01:38.000 Oh, wow.

01:01:39.000 That sounds awesome.

01:01:40.000 What is it for?

01:01:41.000 It's a...

01:01:43.000 It's a benefit for the Humane Society.

01:01:45.000 Oh, really?

01:01:45.000 Every fucking penny.

01:01:46.000 I'm paying comics fucking airfares.

01:01:50.000 Really?

01:01:50.000 Oh, that's awesome, man.

01:01:51.000 Nothing's coming out of the gate.

01:01:52.000 I got that surgery.

01:01:53.000 I had a fucking umbilical hernia.

01:01:56.000 So I just put on my website as a joke.

01:01:59.000 Yeah, I have this.

01:02:03.000 I'd describe the problem.

01:02:05.000 It's a belly button hernia, which is your fucking intestines pouring out of your guts.

01:02:10.000 Oh, my God.

01:02:10.000 But the fatter and older I got, the more pronounced it became.

01:02:14.000 And people are like, you gotta get that check.

01:02:17.000 Anyway, I put on my website, I'll give you a, if you're a surgeon out there, I'll give you a free DVD if you give me free surgery.

01:02:24.000 And I got it.

01:02:26.000 Really?

01:02:27.000 Yeah.

01:02:27.000 Wow, free surgery.

01:02:29.000 What is it like getting under a fan that's going to put you under and open you up?

01:02:33.000 It wasn't fucking Wilds and Whites of West Virginia, fucking Oxycontin, I can fix anything kind of surgery.

01:02:41.000 It was a respectable doctor.

01:02:42.000 Yeah, no, there were anesthesiologists that were fans, and you look like Robert De Niro at some points, and I'm trying to fucking ignore a lot of things that are going on in my head, but Which Robert De Niro?

01:02:55.000 The Cape Fear one?

01:02:56.000 I don't know.

01:02:57.000 Your fucking head's just...

01:02:58.000 it does that naturally but it's kind of twisting out of control that's so funny Doug Stanhope, it's all gonna be groovy.

01:03:13.000 What was his story?

01:03:14.000 Who knows?

01:03:14.000 Could be anything.

01:03:16.000 What?

01:03:16.000 Any idea what his story was about?

01:03:18.000 I can't remember.

01:03:19.000 Something about Ralphie Mae making out with your mom.

01:03:21.000 Oh yeah, that's right.

01:03:22.000 That's what it was supposed to.

01:03:24.000 That's where it was supposed to go.

01:03:25.000 Yeah, what was I fucking...

01:03:27.000 Was I talking about my mother?

01:03:29.000 No, I think Joey Diaz just did one of those things where he just ran out and was like, I'm going to drop this bomb and run.

01:03:35.000 You know what I mean?

01:03:36.000 He fucks your head up.

01:03:38.000 It's so important, man.

01:03:40.000 Guys like him, man.

01:03:41.000 It's so important.

01:03:41.000 It's so important to meet dudes that are just out there on the fringes.

01:03:46.000 We were randomly talking about this last night or this morning about, like, people that you know that are funnier than any comics, you know?

01:03:55.000 Yeah.

01:03:55.000 Like, when they fucking die, they're like, oh, comedy lost a masterpiece.

01:03:59.000 No, that was a funny dude at a bar.

01:04:01.000 I have so many people I know that are just fucking funny.

01:04:06.000 Comedy's a lot of things, yeah.

01:04:07.000 And they just never get into stand-up.

01:04:08.000 My manager is funnier than me, and I know it fucking destroys him.

01:04:12.000 Really?

01:04:12.000 Because he's just genuinely brilliant and funny.

01:04:15.000 Yeah.

01:04:16.000 My manager's funny.

01:04:17.000 My business manager's funny.

01:04:19.000 My business manager...

01:04:20.000 But as funny as comics are funny.

01:04:22.000 Yeah, he could be a comic.

01:04:23.000 They could easily...

01:04:24.000 Both of them could have been comics if they wanted to be.

01:04:26.000 Yeah.

01:04:27.000 I know a lot of people that could have been comics.

01:04:29.000 There's a lot of them, you know?

01:04:31.000 And it's a funny thing.

01:04:32.000 It's who decides to take that road.

01:04:34.000 Who decides not to?

01:04:35.000 Same, but, you know...

01:04:37.000 Those people that could have done it, man.

01:04:39.000 They're the same type of people to be around.

01:04:41.000 Like the guys I used to hang out with at the pool.

01:04:44.000 Funniest fucking human beings I've ever met.

01:04:46.000 They were just derelicts.

01:04:48.000 Gambling junkies, and they're just wild motherfuckers.

01:04:51.000 Just dudes who weren't fitting into some 9-to-5 suit job.

01:04:54.000 It wasn't working out for them.

01:04:56.000 And it wasn't even like comics where comics try to say something funny on purpose.

01:05:00.000 They're just funny people.

01:05:02.000 Exactly.

01:05:03.000 They're not working on it.

01:05:04.000 They're not working on a bit.

01:05:05.000 Yeah.

01:05:06.000 Joey Diaz.

01:05:07.000 Just fucking...

01:05:08.000 Yeah, I mean, come on.

01:05:09.000 The cliche is...

01:05:10.000 Yeah, you can read a phone book, but he's that funny.

01:05:13.000 Do you remember the early days when dudes would actually try bits on you?

01:05:16.000 That's the worst.

01:05:17.000 Oh yeah, no, I still get it.

01:05:18.000 I do it all the time.

01:05:21.000 You do it all the time to people?

01:05:22.000 I don't do...

01:05:23.000 It's not a bit.

01:05:25.000 It's something I think of that's funny, and I'm just like, oh, I'll just say it out loud to see if everyone thinks it's funny.

01:05:30.000 But it's not like, I've been writing this bit for many, many weeks, and I can't...

01:05:34.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.

01:05:35.000 It's more of something I just thought of maybe like that minute.

01:05:37.000 So you're not sure, so you try it out on people.

01:05:41.000 I don't really...

01:05:41.000 If you're open about trying it out.

01:05:44.000 If you're saying, hey, listen, I'm working on this bit.

01:05:46.000 Do you have any ideas?

01:05:48.000 No, he'll just fucking force me into the conversation.

01:05:50.000 I won't even say what city because he'd know.

01:05:55.000 But there was a comic, like an old, like fucking 30 some plus years in the business in the green room.

01:06:03.000 I haven't seen you in so long.

01:06:04.000 You haven't worked on that, blah, blah, blah.

01:06:06.000 And he starts telling me...

01:06:08.000 You're fucking giving it away with that voice.

01:06:09.000 Yeah.

01:06:12.000 No, no.

01:06:13.000 There's no one you probably know.

01:06:15.000 A British guy.

01:06:17.000 A British guy.

01:06:17.000 Oh, no, no.

01:06:18.000 Am I talking fucked up?

01:06:20.000 No, no, no, no.

01:06:21.000 Black British.

01:06:21.000 I'm just happy I'm talking.

01:06:24.000 Sorry.

01:06:25.000 Anyway.

01:06:25.000 No, no.

01:06:25.000 I'm good.

01:06:26.000 I'm good.

01:06:26.000 I'm going to fucking power through this.

01:06:31.000 Oh yeah, so he riffs all these jokes as a conversation, but he's doing a guest set, and then goes immediately from the green room and has the exact same conversation that we just had in the green room as a set.

01:06:48.000 Oh, you know what he did?

01:06:49.000 He just ear-fucked you.

01:06:50.000 He just made you sit and listen to his set so he could warm up.

01:06:53.000 That's what he did.

01:06:54.000 But it was almost immediate.

01:06:57.000 Perfect for him.

01:06:58.000 He's like, if I can get it off in front of Stanhope, I'll probably be fine.

01:07:00.000 No, but it was someone I've known for.

01:07:03.000 Yeah, but he doesn't care.

01:07:04.000 There's people that are basically almost sociopathic.

01:07:09.000 Their desire to succeed and their desire to do well on stage supersedes everything.

01:07:14.000 Supersedes being a human.

01:07:17.000 And they don't care if they just use you to get their shit off and practice before they go on stage.

01:07:22.000 You're my friend.

01:07:23.000 I'm going to practice on you.

01:07:24.000 You're my friend.

01:07:25.000 Suck my dick.

01:07:26.000 They're just ear-fucking you.

01:07:28.000 Instead of fucking your mouth, they're fucking your ear.

01:07:30.000 They want to get off in your mouth.

01:07:32.000 Christian Finnegan had their talk blockers.

01:07:36.000 Talkbuckers?

01:07:37.000 That's Christian Finnegan.

01:07:38.000 That's a good way of putting it.

01:07:40.000 There's people that just want to talk at you, man.

01:07:43.000 That's the cocaine effect.

01:07:44.000 I don't know what that is, but I've noticed.

01:07:46.000 I'm very ignorant to the effects of cocaine.

01:07:49.000 The only insight that I have is the one time that you and I drank that Mata de Cocoa tea.

01:07:56.000 It was the same time, the whole day of the war.

01:08:00.000 Oh, yeah, alright.

01:08:00.000 And I remember saying, I can't shut the fuck up.

01:08:03.000 Like, I got a real problem.

01:08:04.000 I cannot shut the fuck up.

01:08:06.000 I'll give you an analogy that might work.

01:08:09.000 You know when you're writing really well?

01:08:13.000 Yes.

01:08:13.000 And you're like, fuck.

01:08:14.000 I do this to bingo.

01:08:16.000 Fucking just be with me.

01:08:17.000 Because my head's going faster than I can write.

01:08:20.000 And I just bounce ideas off of her.

01:08:23.000 That's what cocaine is like.

01:08:25.000 Where you're fucking...

01:08:25.000 Okay, I'm rapid cycling.

01:08:27.000 No, you need to hear this because my fucking brain's going and...

01:08:30.000 Right.

01:08:30.000 But it's two people doing that at the same time and it's all fucking pointless and it's a bad notebook.

01:08:36.000 It's inorganic.

01:08:37.000 Yeah.

01:08:37.000 Well, is Adderall the medium then?

01:08:39.000 Because a lot of people that are on Adderall day...

01:08:42.000 I mean, but what's the difference between the cocaine high and a speed high?

01:08:47.000 Well, I know Adderall is very much a lot like cocaine.

01:08:50.000 It makes me feel like I'm even getting drips because it's just like a constant reminder that it feels like I'm on cocaine.

01:08:56.000 Wow.

01:08:57.000 But it seems like it lasts longer and like where cocaine, you feel this like up and then like 15 minutes later you feel like you're on another line.

01:09:04.000 Cocaine is just like a jolt where for me, Adderall, that just gives me anxiety.

01:09:07.000 Yeah.

01:09:08.000 Like as a long term, like I don't...

01:09:10.000 I like the, what do you call it?

01:09:13.000 The practice of doing coke.

01:09:15.000 I like the chopping up and doing a line is really romantic.

01:09:20.000 And if you're doing the fucking comedy, like the comedy store green room, the main stage green room of the comedy store, just like, I want to chop up a rail.

01:09:31.000 That mirror is just covered in space.

01:09:35.000 It's mirrored.

01:09:36.000 It's a mirrored piano.

01:09:37.000 It's hilarious.

01:09:38.000 But it's not a real piano.

01:09:39.000 Like you do Red Bull.

01:09:40.000 I can do a bump and I move on with my life.

01:09:45.000 It's like a fucking energy drink now.

01:09:48.000 Really?

01:09:50.000 Wow.

01:09:50.000 That's amazing.

01:09:51.000 The whole act of it is...

01:09:53.000 I was on the highway once.

01:09:54.000 I was like 18 years old.

01:09:56.000 I was with my friends.

01:09:57.000 We were driving home, and we were in Revere.

01:09:59.000 We were near Kelly's Roast Beef.

01:10:01.000 It's a fucking really sketchy neighborhood with a great place to get fried clams.

01:10:05.000 And as we're driving, we see this car beside us.

01:10:10.000 And the people in the backseat had the light on, they had the dome line on, and they were doing coke.

01:10:15.000 And the girl looks over at me.

01:10:16.000 I looked at her, and she just goes, fuck!

01:10:18.000 Fuck you!

01:10:19.000 She just looks at me and has this fucking evil look in her face.

01:10:22.000 Fuck you!

01:10:24.000 And I'm like, whoa!

01:10:25.000 All I did was look over at you, caught you doing coke, and she's going...

01:10:29.000 And I was like, okay.

01:10:31.000 But it's weird how a little thing like that will...

01:10:34.000 Scare you off of it.

01:10:35.000 Yeah.

01:10:35.000 Yeah, there was that.

01:10:36.000 The first time I did acid, I... We lived in a Vegas where I lived with this family.

01:10:43.000 We're all like renting from her, but there was kids in the fucking they'd play basketball in the driveway every day and like you know 8 to 12 years old every day and the first time I did acid we took it and I'm having a fun time and I'm like this is fucking good and then we went back in for a second hit and I put the acid on my tongue and And then we walk back out into this,

01:11:07.000 I'm fucking tripping hard, and there's a bunch of kids, little kids playing basketball, and someone threw me the basketball, so I inhaled, still had the paper on my tongue, and it stuck to the fucking clitoris in the back of your throat.

01:11:21.000 So I puked into my mouth.

01:11:25.000 In front of kids, but I'm consciously thinking, I don't want to lose the hit of acid that I just put.

01:11:31.000 So I have a mouthful of puke, trying not to...

01:11:35.000 So I try to swallow the puke, which makes you puke way harder than anything else.

01:11:42.000 So I just...

01:11:43.000 I extreme vomit in front of all these horrified children.

01:11:46.000 It's four in the afternoon.

01:11:48.000 Wow.

01:11:49.000 And I start picking through the puke because I don't want to lose that hit of acid.

01:11:57.000 And I found the acid in my puke and I wiped it off in my beer neck.

01:12:02.000 Would it even still work?

01:12:03.000 The looks on the faces of the children where some guy that was just your neighbor guy kind of guy is coming out and now he's rummaging through his own vomit in the afternoon.

01:12:19.000 Such a beautiful image.

01:12:21.000 And that might queer those kids off into an acid, is my point.

01:12:25.000 You know what?

01:12:26.000 Yeah.

01:12:26.000 Much like you were queered off coke from a finger.

01:12:29.000 Some man in a mullet rummaging through his vomit on a side street in Vegas.

01:12:34.000 Oh my god.

01:12:35.000 That might make you think...

01:12:37.000 But it was one of the best nights of my life.

01:12:39.000 Did you tell him?

01:12:40.000 To this day, that fucking trip was still legendary.

01:12:45.000 Like...

01:12:46.000 Yeah.

01:12:47.000 Just from Eaton, did you think when you put it back in your mouth, it hit you harder?

01:12:53.000 Well, it was a second hit.

01:12:54.000 The point is...

01:12:55.000 No, it was my first time tripping, so I was already on one hit and wanted more, of course.

01:13:02.000 Let's do more.

01:13:04.000 Wow.

01:13:06.000 Yeah, that probably did queer the Moffat.

01:13:08.000 Yeah.

01:13:09.000 Is it okay to say queer the Moffat?

01:13:11.000 No.

01:13:12.000 I'm just so happy I remembered why I started this story.

01:13:15.000 It's because you were talking about the cocaine and the woman.

01:13:18.000 That seems like 40 minutes ago.

01:13:20.000 That was a long time ago.

01:13:21.000 Really?

01:13:22.000 I'm so fucking...

01:13:23.000 It was weird when you started taking a nap just right there.

01:13:26.000 You took like a little nap.

01:13:27.000 Do you remember?

01:13:28.000 Did I? Brian's fucking with you.

01:13:30.000 Don't do that, Brian.

01:13:31.000 Don't fuck with dudes that are tripping on you.

01:13:33.000 Oh, come on.

01:13:33.000 That was not fucking.

01:13:34.000 I'm sorry.

01:13:35.000 Alright, fella.

01:13:36.000 Settle down.

01:13:37.000 Your cigarette went out?

01:13:38.000 The new cigarettes went out.

01:13:40.000 Yeah, well, I guess I talked for a minute.

01:13:43.000 I thought cigarettes just designed to burn forever.

01:13:46.000 There's been a lot of the show that I'm just sitting listening to in my car and I'm like, oh wait, I'm on it.

01:13:51.000 Fuck, I gotta talk.

01:13:52.000 I was just a huge fan sitting back for a while.

01:13:56.000 In California, they actually have these new cigarettes where they stop burning after certain parts of the cigarette.

01:14:01.000 Oh, that's only California.

01:14:02.000 We were talking about that.

01:14:04.000 That was a fad, like childproof lighters, but it's a California thing.

01:14:09.000 Well, I don't know if it's all California or if they just did them for all cigarettes, but it's so that people, when they flick them out their windows, it will go out and not blow and catch a fire.

01:14:17.000 Yeah.

01:14:18.000 It seems like it would be...

01:14:19.000 How do they do that?

01:14:20.000 What kind of chemical is that?

01:14:21.000 Who knows what the fuck they're putting in there anyway.

01:14:23.000 The FDA, Food and Drug Administration, that's what it is.

01:14:26.000 They approved more than 500 different chemicals that are in cigarettes.

01:14:31.000 Well, that's fantastic for Philip Morris, who I've just put...

01:14:35.000 Did you buy stock?

01:14:37.000 Did you buy some Philip Morris stock?

01:14:38.000 Yeah, my fucking accountant.

01:14:40.000 You know, do something with your money or something.

01:14:44.000 Is that if he talks to you?

01:14:46.000 Well, no, he's his accountant.

01:14:48.000 Brennan Walsh?

01:14:50.000 No, that's how I hear it.

01:14:57.000 Trying to tell me about a rainy day.

01:15:00.000 Have I actually said that to him?

01:15:01.000 I go, I don't really have that much confidence in saving for later.

01:15:07.000 So yeah, let's just keep it in the bank.

01:15:12.000 Can I get it with an ATM? Alright, that's all I care about.

01:15:16.000 Just kind of hope it's still real, right?

01:15:19.000 But yeah, I had to get comedy accounts.

01:15:21.000 They're very cool, but...

01:15:24.000 It was when they're trying to talk to you real business-like, and you go, yeah, I probably won't be alive then.

01:15:31.000 And they're like, ooh, how do we talk?

01:15:34.000 So you got an accountant that's just a regular dude.

01:15:38.000 No, he's the comics accountant.

01:15:40.000 He has like 500 comics.

01:15:42.000 I want to name drop him.

01:15:43.000 I can't remember his name, but it's something Jewish.

01:15:47.000 So he's still shocked?

01:15:47.000 Harvey Altman and his kid.

01:15:50.000 They're fucking big comedy fans.

01:15:52.000 Well, that's cool.

01:15:53.000 So what he's trying to do is...

01:15:54.000 Or shysters.

01:15:55.000 We'll find out soon.

01:15:57.000 That does happen upon occasion.

01:15:59.000 They've done well by me.

01:16:02.000 You've been shystered?

01:16:03.000 No, I said they've done it.

01:16:04.000 Oh, these have done well by you.

01:16:05.000 That was my plug.

01:16:06.000 I have to always mention Harvey Altman.

01:16:09.000 Have you heard about him?

01:16:10.000 After I stutter and try to remember his name.

01:16:12.000 Have you heard about this new fucking thing that's going down, this new bill that they're trying to define the United States as a battleground?

01:16:20.000 First of all, don't fucking O&A me where you're talking to your laptop.

01:16:24.000 I'm trying to make it seem like a conversation.

01:16:27.000 I'm trying to remember.

01:16:28.000 I wonder why I don't talk for 30 minutes.

01:16:30.000 Just for a second.

01:16:31.000 Even fucking Norton.

01:16:33.000 Even Norton sits on there.

01:16:35.000 He's constantly just looking at his cell phone.

01:16:38.000 Fucking O, I guess, is always staring at a laptop.

01:16:41.000 You're like...

01:16:41.000 What the fuck is going on?

01:16:43.000 It does ruin the flow.

01:16:44.000 You're correct.

01:16:44.000 I just wanted to get your take on it, though.

01:16:46.000 I always thought it was closing.

01:16:48.000 Like, every time you do O&A, I love them.

01:16:50.000 They're all great people.

01:16:51.000 There's no pretense with them, but it all seems like they're going out of business.

01:16:57.000 Like...

01:16:58.000 Why?

01:16:59.000 What do you mean?

01:17:00.000 They just have that attitude of, yeah, anytime they're going to start taking boxes out of here.

01:17:06.000 They're all just watching.

01:17:08.000 It's not even for the show.

01:17:10.000 You're looking up something for the show.

01:17:12.000 They're just fucking around while they're working?

01:17:13.000 Yeah.

01:17:14.000 Oh, that's funny.

01:17:15.000 Norton's fucking twittering.

01:17:16.000 That's a problem when nobody stops everybody from doing that shit.

01:17:19.000 I went on there last time and I felt like, are we really on the air?

01:17:23.000 It's so easy to do.

01:17:23.000 It's so easy to just fucking check your Twitter all the time.

01:17:26.000 Constantly.

01:17:26.000 I think it's just because they do it every day.

01:17:28.000 Can you imagine doing this every day for, what, four, six hours?

01:17:31.000 How long do they do it?

01:17:31.000 That's craziness.

01:17:33.000 Yeah, what we do is a lot, and it's still...

01:17:35.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:17:37.000 No problem.

01:17:37.000 Very manageable.

01:17:38.000 It was very comfortable, but it was like where you go, hey, we're just four of us hanging out.

01:17:45.000 They're just so comfortable with hanging out that it doesn't seem like they're putting on a show.

01:17:48.000 They don't have to talk for minutes at a time.

01:17:49.000 No, come on.

01:17:50.000 They don't do that.

01:17:50.000 No, it just seemed like that when you're in there.

01:17:53.000 That's my favorite show to do, because when you do that show, it's just like you're hanging out.

01:17:57.000 It doesn't feel like, you know, so many shows, it's like...

01:18:00.000 Exactly.

01:18:00.000 You feel like you're upright, your posture's upright, and you're just trying to give a good presentation, and then you leave.

01:18:05.000 You know, you're like, this is...

01:18:06.000 I never feel like I connected with these people, but, you know, you go to ONA, it's just a hangout, and people just walk in.

01:18:12.000 You know, there was people walking in the hall just wandering in.

01:18:14.000 Fucking Dice Clay walked in and just owned the place, and it was so amazing.

01:18:17.000 Marion Barry walked in once.

01:18:19.000 Marion Barry, and we were asking him questions about smoking crack.

01:18:22.000 He just was in the hallway, wandered in.

01:18:25.000 The amount of energy Dice Clay can still put into being Dice Clay.

01:18:30.000 He's a master.

01:18:31.000 You have no idea what's an act.

01:18:33.000 I'm talking to Norton.

01:18:35.000 He's my friend.

01:18:37.000 That's what it's like on the road.

01:18:40.000 And they're like, well, you're not telling me if this is fucking real right now.

01:18:42.000 So you don't know if it's him or if it's real.

01:18:44.000 Yeah, well, he's got that, what's her name?

01:18:46.000 The great chick from the comedy store, legendary.

01:18:49.000 Eleanor?

01:18:50.000 Yeah.

01:18:50.000 Yeah, she was with him.

01:18:52.000 That's funny that you immediately knew who it is.

01:18:53.000 That's who I was thinking of.

01:18:54.000 Oh, Eleanor is amazing.

01:18:55.000 She's amazing.

01:18:56.000 She is the comedy store to me.

01:18:58.000 Yeah, when she's gone, that place is dead.

01:19:00.000 You know, they don't have any of the old waitresses working there anymore.

01:19:02.000 Is she still there?

01:19:03.000 No, no, no, no.

01:19:04.000 She's a comic, man.

01:19:05.000 You know, she's a comic.

01:19:06.000 She's doing well.

01:19:07.000 Oh, fuck.

01:19:08.000 She's doing really well.

01:19:09.000 But all the waitresses are all gone.

01:19:11.000 I really thought there was someone over there.

01:19:12.000 And then when they started gyrating on them, I'm like, oh fuck, what is...

01:19:16.000 Look at Robert Plant.

01:19:17.000 This is a giant fucking half-naked Robert Plant.

01:19:20.000 Look at Robert Plant's balls and cock right there.

01:19:22.000 Clearly defined.

01:19:23.000 That's an 18-foot ceiling and they're projecting Robert Plant's fucking package.

01:19:28.000 Wow, that's so weird.

01:19:29.000 He's got his balls and cock are clearly on the left side of his pants.

01:19:33.000 Yeah, no.

01:19:34.000 Look, there's his dick.

01:19:35.000 It's almost sculpted.

01:19:37.000 It's weird.

01:19:37.000 It's not even real.

01:19:38.000 And the way he moves, he would be terrible at fucking.

01:19:41.000 You know, he's not like Bobby Brown up there.

01:19:46.000 They call that whiskey dick.

01:19:47.000 He just looks like the way he moves is like real awkward.

01:19:50.000 He's a bottom.

01:19:51.000 I wouldn't want him fucking me, I'll tell you that.

01:19:53.000 I'm like, come on, buddy, what's this?

01:19:55.000 I've never seen you dance, Joe.

01:19:57.000 You never know, bro.

01:19:58.000 This sounds like it's going to become a dance-off.

01:20:00.000 Robert Plant on the wall.

01:20:03.000 They just didn't have the same awareness back there, I don't think.

01:20:06.000 Don't worry, no one's filming.

01:20:07.000 They just look different.

01:20:08.000 They are, though.

01:20:10.000 If you had an all-time favorite band, Led Zeppelin, is it up there?

01:20:14.000 No.

01:20:15.000 No?

01:20:15.000 Really?

01:20:16.000 Pink Floyd The Wall would be on my top five albums.

01:20:20.000 Yeah, I agree.

01:20:21.000 But I also have Counting Crows and Tim Curry, who no one knows his fucking music at all.

01:20:29.000 Tim Curry put out some really fucking...

01:20:30.000 Tim Curry the actor?

01:20:31.000 Yeah.

01:20:32.000 Really?

01:20:32.000 From Clue?

01:20:33.000 No.

01:20:34.000 He had one kind of vague hit with I Do The Rock.

01:20:38.000 I'd do the rock myself.

01:20:40.000 No?

01:20:40.000 Oh, yeah.

01:20:42.000 And that was it.

01:20:43.000 He did Rocky Horror and then put out two albums and then a best of.

01:20:47.000 He was the lead in Rocky Horror, right?

01:20:49.000 He was the...

01:20:51.000 Wasn't he?

01:20:51.000 Yeah.

01:20:52.000 Yeah.

01:20:53.000 Wow, that guy's like a really good singer?

01:20:55.000 Yeah, he's fucking...

01:20:56.000 Like, what kind of music?

01:20:57.000 He's kind of...

01:20:58.000 You putting him above Led Zeppelin?

01:21:00.000 Robert, uh, what's his...

01:21:01.000 You putting him above Led Zeppelin?

01:21:02.000 There's no Zeppelin album I want to sit on a fucking island and listen to.

01:21:06.000 Wow.

01:21:07.000 Really?

01:21:08.000 That's crazy.

01:21:09.000 You heard the ocean?

01:21:10.000 But I don't like music.

01:21:11.000 I don't like...

01:21:11.000 It just fucking...

01:21:13.000 It just ruins conversation.

01:21:16.000 It does sometimes, but it's great when you're on airplanes.

01:21:21.000 You know, I read or I sleep.

01:21:24.000 I do too.

01:21:24.000 I do those too, but I also like listening to music and writing.

01:21:27.000 I hate music.

01:21:28.000 Really?

01:21:29.000 Yeah, no, I want to download.

01:21:31.000 And if you're listening, I want a lot of fucking big band swing, but no vocals.

01:21:39.000 That's what I want to listen to when I write, is no vocals.

01:21:42.000 I want to have that as background music.

01:21:45.000 I do the same thing.

01:21:46.000 You know what I do?

01:21:46.000 I do Spanish music.

01:21:47.000 Yeah, fucking...

01:21:48.000 Joe, does...

01:21:50.000 Classical...

01:21:50.000 Yeah, it sounds just...

01:21:52.000 It has an air of cunty right around...

01:21:54.000 Right, it does.

01:21:54.000 Makes me write cunty.

01:21:56.000 Does Ralphie Mae play the guitar?

01:21:58.000 Um, I don't know.

01:22:00.000 No, but he didn't fucking die.

01:22:02.000 Like, Ralphie Mae's in my death pool.

01:22:04.000 I had to put one comic.

01:22:06.000 This is a for money one.

01:22:08.000 It's a real death pool.

01:22:09.000 Not like just something we joke about.

01:22:11.000 This is for money.

01:22:13.000 How much money?

01:22:14.000 50 bucks each person for a year.

01:22:17.000 How many people?

01:22:18.000 There's only 11 people, but next year we're going to get this rocking.

01:22:22.000 I've never had more fun than being in a death pool.

01:22:25.000 Really?

01:22:26.000 Yeah.

01:22:27.000 It's like having stocks or something.

01:22:29.000 Wow.

01:22:30.000 Checking the paper.

01:22:31.000 People get super offended when you put them in your death pool, though.

01:22:34.000 Well, I was fucking...

01:22:35.000 Like, I've had so many people...

01:22:37.000 I front-loaded celebrity rehab.

01:22:39.000 So, Tom Sizemore, if you're listening, geez, you know what?

01:22:43.000 Fucking remember the crackle of that rock.

01:22:47.000 How fucked the adrenaline, the self-confidence...

01:22:51.000 Get back with Heidi Fleiss.

01:22:53.000 Guys are great together.

01:22:56.000 Because I need you to die by December 31st because I'm in 7th place.

01:23:00.000 My only death this year is Jeff Conaway.

01:23:03.000 Oh, that guy died, huh?

01:23:04.000 Yeah, but there's a bonus system.

01:23:06.000 If there's an overdose, I get another 25 points for the overdose.

01:23:10.000 And he was a Scientologist.

01:23:13.000 He went to that after Celebrity Rehab.

01:23:16.000 So Scientology is another fucking...

01:23:18.000 Scientology is late in life then.

01:23:20.000 Very late, right?

01:23:21.000 Yeah, because Dr. Drew didn't work.

01:23:24.000 Brian, can you pull up a video of that guy all fucked up?

01:23:29.000 Because I heard that on Celebrity Rehab, he was super fucked up.

01:23:32.000 I heard it like a bunch of different times, but I never saw it.

01:23:34.000 Did you ever see it?

01:23:35.000 Who?

01:23:36.000 The guy that died.

01:23:37.000 Jeff Conaway.

01:23:37.000 Yeah, that's...

01:23:38.000 Because I don't follow pop culture, but I watch Celebrity Rehab because I hate Dr. Drew with such a violent passion.

01:23:46.000 Because he's a fucking shyster, snake oil salesman piece of shit.

01:23:52.000 And it's all on the new DVD that'll come out as soon as I can pick a cover.

01:23:59.000 Dr. Drew is a good guy.

01:24:01.000 I like Dr. Drew.

01:24:02.000 I know him.

01:24:03.000 He's a real nice guy.

01:24:04.000 It makes him more evil because he believes what he says.

01:24:07.000 He says some crazy shit, though.

01:24:08.000 He said some really ridiculous shit about marijuana and the addiction properties of it and the withdrawal effects.

01:24:14.000 That keeps him in business.

01:24:16.000 Again, he's one of those non-compliant frauds.

01:24:19.000 But he's kind of adjusted his stance on that.

01:24:22.000 He's kind of like, hey, this is what always pisses me off about people when they have this.

01:24:25.000 He adjusts his stance based on fucking the poles, basically.

01:24:30.000 Yeah, well, you know, it's a personal freedom issue, and anybody who doesn't understand that is ridiculous.

01:24:33.000 And if it was really that bad, there'd be a bunch of fucking bodies attributed to it, and there's none.

01:24:38.000 And my real problem with it is that they always have this whole, like...

01:24:41.000 Well, see me tonight in Brea.

01:24:43.000 I might be just on a fucking slab.

01:24:45.000 Dude, you're going to be great.

01:24:46.000 You're great.

01:24:46.000 It's only 5 o'clock.

01:24:47.000 You've got mad time, dude.

01:24:49.000 Three hours from now, you'll be lucid.

01:24:51.000 That was me being just self-deprecating and plugging Brea.

01:24:54.000 Brea Improv tonight.

01:24:55.000 Yeah, one show, what time?

01:24:57.000 8 p.m.?

01:24:58.000 If you're not listening to this, then you'll have no idea why the show went like that.

01:25:02.000 Is it 8 p.m.?

01:25:04.000 Yeah, I guess.

01:25:05.000 Who's doing the show with you?

01:25:06.000 It's an improv.

01:25:07.000 It's fucking like...

01:25:07.000 Usually 8pm.

01:25:09.000 Who's doing the show with you?

01:25:09.000 It's like your family.

01:25:11.000 Wednesday at 5. Yeah.

01:25:12.000 Always 5. Always 8. Yeah, you can't have a nutty 11.45 show.

01:25:17.000 I've played like three improvs now.

01:25:20.000 It was two out of three, three out of four, where they hadn't updated the fucking video screen.

01:25:27.000 Stop that fucking red band right now.

01:25:29.000 It's making me up there.

01:25:30.000 Yeah, dude, you keep changing that, and it's distracting.

01:25:32.000 You told me to show you the video.

01:25:34.000 You did search the video for Jeff Conaway, and so I was going to play it.

01:25:37.000 Well, that's not the video.

01:25:37.000 That's Doug's face.

01:25:38.000 Yeah, but I was going to play it for you.

01:25:39.000 That's my fucking giant head that I'm against.

01:25:42.000 Okay.

01:25:42.000 I love your head.

01:25:43.000 Let's play that Jeff Conaway thing.

01:25:44.000 Let's see.

01:25:46.000 Now that you got it up there.

01:25:48.000 Oh, that's that one.

01:25:50.000 Oh, he's over there.

01:25:56.000 Oh wow.

01:25:58.000 What's that music, Brian?

01:26:04.000 Is that in this...

01:26:05.000 That's your fucking shitty music?

01:26:07.000 That's really in your iPod?

01:26:09.000 Oh, play this back so I can hear this guy's voice.

01:26:12.000 He's jacked, dude.

01:26:14.000 Put it early.

01:26:16.000 They're subtitling it for a reason.

01:26:18.000 He's not making it.

01:26:19.000 I know, but I want to hear the noises.

01:26:24.000 But that guy was fucked.

01:26:26.000 They showed...

01:26:27.000 This is back when they glorified the pre-story.

01:26:30.000 Look at him.

01:26:33.000 There we go.

01:26:35.000 Dude, drugs suck.

01:26:37.000 Killing myself.

01:26:39.000 Killing myself.

01:26:40.000 How would you do that?

01:26:44.000 Are you seeing something?

01:26:46.000 What are you seeing?

01:26:47.000 I'm seeing myself breaking that mirror and slicing my f***ing throat with it.

01:26:51.000 Jesus Christ.

01:26:53.000 These are glasses.

01:26:55.000 I could break them and I could slit my breasts with them.

01:26:59.000 How amazing would it be if this guy didn't do any drugs at all and this was like a role he was playing to try to let people know he could still f***ing act?

01:27:06.000 Yeah.

01:27:07.000 And Dr. Drew is about to tell him that fucking God will heal it.

01:27:11.000 Dr. Drew doesn't say that, does he?

01:27:13.000 Yeah, he's a fucking 12-stepper.

01:27:14.000 That's what AA is.

01:27:15.000 They put you into 12-step programs, but you're all about God.

01:27:19.000 You know why I think they do that?

01:27:21.000 I think it's a mechanism.

01:27:22.000 I agree with you that it's silly if you want to look at it as far as whether it's plausible.

01:27:29.000 And I'm crying at the same time.

01:27:32.000 And some guy in the audience talks to me.

01:27:35.000 He says, you laughing or you crying?

01:27:37.000 I turned my head and I said, I'm laughing and I'm crying.

01:27:46.000 Okay, kill it.

01:27:47.000 Kill it, Brian.

01:27:48.000 Thank you.

01:27:49.000 If that guy was really acting, if that wasn't how he really is, if he was just acting, that would be brilliant.

01:27:55.000 What a great move.

01:27:56.000 Somebody should do that.

01:27:57.000 He acted so well, he fucking died like that.

01:28:00.000 Yeah, but he wasn't doing it.

01:28:01.000 But what a great idea it would be to show people how good you can act.

01:28:04.000 Go on celebrity rehab and just fake being fucked.

01:28:06.000 That's what they do.

01:28:07.000 No, that's what they do.

01:28:08.000 They've had people on there for marijuana addiction.

01:28:13.000 I think he said he's not doing it anymore, which I hate because I love trashing it.

01:28:19.000 I think he takes shit for it.

01:28:21.000 Well, he's got that new CNN show now, I think.

01:28:23.000 Yeah, now he's trying to...

01:28:25.000 I'm not just a doctor of sex and drugs now.

01:28:28.000 Now I'm a doctor of life.

01:28:29.000 You know that...

01:28:30.000 Yeah, fulfill your destiny or...

01:28:33.000 They become celebrity doctors.

01:28:34.000 Very tricky, like that CNN guy, Sanjay Gupta.

01:28:37.000 I actually thanked him on my no refunds.

01:28:41.000 Really?

01:28:41.000 Why?

01:28:42.000 I just thanked weird people.

01:28:44.000 It's a name that sticks in your head, like syrup.

01:28:49.000 Sanjay Gupta.

01:28:50.000 Next, it was Sanjay.

01:28:51.000 Stop with saying Sanjay Gupta.

01:28:53.000 Fucking just make up another name.

01:28:55.000 So I put Sanjay Gupta back into the universe instead of stuck in my head like a fucking leper.

01:29:02.000 That guy took hundreds of thousands of dollars from pharmaceutical companies.

01:29:06.000 Takes over $100,000 a year.

01:29:08.000 He's a piece of shit.

01:29:09.000 Isn't that ridiculous?

01:29:10.000 I can't stand those fucking foreign pieces of shit coming over to take our fucking white people's pieces of shit jobs.

01:29:17.000 Coming over here and stealing our fucking...

01:29:20.000 Where's that white guy I used to hate?

01:29:24.000 Sanjay Gupta.

01:29:25.000 He's coming over here and taking our corruption.

01:29:28.000 Is that nonsense, Sayer?

01:29:30.000 Wow.

01:29:32.000 You alright, buddy?

01:29:33.000 Yeah, no, I'm good.

01:29:34.000 I haven't been high in so fucking long.

01:29:37.000 Is that what it is?

01:29:37.000 You used to not smoke weed at all.

01:29:39.000 I don't smoke weed at all.

01:29:42.000 Many years, I've seen you turn down weed every single time until this is the first time I think I've ever seen you smoke.

01:29:48.000 It's great, isn't it?

01:29:49.000 I love it.

01:29:50.000 I'm intimidated.

01:29:51.000 Why are you intimidated by it?

01:29:52.000 No, I'm intimidated.

01:29:54.000 You made me smoke pot.

01:29:56.000 Oh.

01:29:56.000 It was going around the table.

01:29:57.000 I didn't want to be the uncool kid.

01:29:59.000 Well, you said you were...

01:30:00.000 The only reason I even passed it to you is because you said before that, I'm even willing to smoke pot.

01:30:04.000 Well, I really want to...

01:30:06.000 It's so fucking available.

01:30:08.000 Yeah, it's awesome.

01:30:08.000 That's the thing.

01:30:10.000 I want to have a taste for it.

01:30:12.000 I want to stop fucking drinking so much.

01:30:14.000 You should try the edibles.

01:30:15.000 The reason why the edibles have a totally different effect, man.

01:30:19.000 It's like really like a strong psychedelic.

01:30:21.000 Yeah.

01:30:21.000 You know, you eat cookies.

01:30:22.000 Eat one of these fucking cookies that Joey takes.

01:30:24.000 I guarantee you enjoy it.

01:30:26.000 The problem is it's like every other drug or alcohol, like it would be starting, I'd be 18 years old again, which is what I feel like right now where I'm just fucking stupid and forgetting that we have to fucking entertain you assholes.

01:30:39.000 We're fine.

01:30:40.000 It's entertaining.

01:30:41.000 You're fine.

01:30:42.000 You're fine.

01:30:43.000 I know what you're saying.

01:30:44.000 But the point is, yeah, I don't want to have to start with weed, like, okay, how much can I smoke before a show?

01:30:49.000 It always amazed me that you were so introspective.

01:30:52.000 You're a very introspective dude, and you don't have any ego problems, and yet you didn't smoke weed.

01:30:57.000 I always thought that was really interesting.

01:31:00.000 Because it was never a community thing.

01:31:03.000 When you trip with people, you're all like, we're together.

01:31:06.000 We're all fucking in this.

01:31:08.000 And every time I smoked weed, it seemed like everyone was laughing without me or at me.

01:31:13.000 It never felt so...

01:31:16.000 Maybe you gave up on it way too early.

01:31:18.000 Maybe you're smoking it with the wrong people.

01:31:20.000 Because if you're smoking it with us, it's just a giggle fest.

01:31:23.000 We just smoke weed, break down the universe, and laugh at shit.

01:31:26.000 You're probably smoking too much, too, but you're probably thinking it's like a beer where you have to have many hits.

01:31:30.000 Honestly, I think even before a show, one hit usually would be awesome.

01:31:34.000 Yeah, you wouldn't want to do it before a show.

01:31:36.000 It's been so long since I actually was a teenage fucking weed smoker and realized I don't...

01:31:42.000 I've given it plenty of opportunities.

01:31:45.000 The problem is there's two kinds of weed.

01:31:47.000 There's indica, which is what you always get.

01:31:49.000 That's what you normally get in Florida.

01:31:51.000 That's what you get if you don't know a guy.

01:31:52.000 It's what you get if you're not educated.

01:31:55.000 Indica is the stuff that makes you sleepy.

01:31:57.000 It's really bad for short-term memory loss.

01:32:00.000 Sativa is not so great for it either.

01:32:01.000 Short-term memory is a weird thing with marijuana.

01:32:03.000 It's almost like the thoughts are coming at you so quickly you forget with the air 10 seconds later.

01:32:07.000 You're telling me how many push-ups I should be able to do when you can do a fucking lot.

01:32:10.000 No, no, no.

01:32:11.000 That's not what I'm saying.

01:32:11.000 I'm just saying there's two different kinds of weed.

01:32:13.000 The indica is probably what you were getting all the time.

01:32:16.000 You probably weren't getting the sativa.

01:32:17.000 I'm just saying these are...

01:32:19.000 You're legendary for giving a dude that smokes pot a lollipop and he can't get off a fucking couch.

01:32:24.000 Alright?

01:32:25.000 Who is that?

01:32:26.000 I don't know.

01:32:28.000 A lot of people that have fucking...

01:32:29.000 I tell them.

01:32:33.000 Yeah, it's supposed to be pot.

01:32:35.000 I couldn't move.

01:32:36.000 Well, you know what it is, man.

01:32:37.000 I like it hard.

01:32:39.000 I'm like, if it's going to hit me, it should knock me on my ass.

01:32:42.000 I did say it.

01:32:43.000 Yeah.

01:32:44.000 Yeah.

01:32:44.000 I want it to knock my ass, man.

01:32:47.000 When you take an edible, you know, you want to really blast off into the ultimate, like, the furthest extent that you can...

01:32:55.000 But you function like that.

01:32:56.000 The same way I function shit-faced drunk.

01:32:59.000 Yeah.

01:33:00.000 I don't always function perfectly like that.

01:33:02.000 I gotta be careful.

01:33:02.000 Because I spent 21 years doing it.

01:33:04.000 Like, you're a fucking seasoned weed guy.

01:33:06.000 Do you still get hangovers?

01:33:09.000 Nah, I just feel like shit all the time.

01:33:11.000 Every day.

01:33:12.000 Every second.

01:33:13.000 No energy.

01:33:14.000 I've quit smoking, uh, quit drinking coffee, rather.

01:33:18.000 I quit drinking coffee like a decade ago.

01:33:19.000 For the kids?

01:33:19.000 No, just for a goof.

01:33:20.000 Daddy, we don't like it when you...

01:33:22.000 You're fucking drinking coffee.

01:33:23.000 Why are you awake?

01:33:25.000 Why are you awake?

01:33:28.000 I just, uh...

01:33:29.000 You sleep with the TV on, it's hell.

01:33:33.000 I need a shuttle bus to the other wing.

01:33:39.000 I took off a few days and then I had a cup of coffee and it hit me like a lightning bolt.

01:33:44.000 I was like, whoa, is this what coffee is normally like?

01:33:46.000 Because usually I drink it and I don't even feel it.

01:33:49.000 It's like I'm so used to just drinking coffee.

01:33:51.000 I'll have two cups of coffee in a day and maybe even more when we're doing the podcast.

01:33:55.000 I'll pound down three while we're sitting there.

01:33:57.000 And then you don't realize that your body just developed like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we need to process this shit nice and quick and we need to develop a fucking tolerance for it.

01:34:04.000 And then when you don't have it for a while, your body sort of normalizes.

01:34:08.000 And then you'll have a coffee, and it's like, whoa!

01:34:11.000 Like, it really jolts the shit out of you.

01:34:14.000 I attribute it to alcohol, but my nervous system, when I drink coffee now, a lot of times I just fucking visibly shake just from a...

01:34:24.000 Like, I drink decaf.

01:34:27.000 Wow.

01:34:27.000 But I don't know if it's my nervous system is, like, that weak where just coffee affects it.

01:34:33.000 You know, you're fucking...

01:34:34.000 You get older, you think everything is attributed to something...

01:34:38.000 Yeah.

01:34:38.000 I'm so happy when my friends that don't drink all the time don't remember anything like I do.

01:34:45.000 Well, you use your mind a lot more than a lot of people, I bet, just because of the fact you're always writing and you're always performing and you're always putting your act together and organizing it and putting new shit together and putting out DVDs.

01:34:57.000 But, you know, all of us, it doesn't matter who you are, eventually this thing is going to shut off.

01:35:03.000 Well, yeah, there's a water level, a high water mark to how much fun you had, and it has to be more fun than that to register.

01:35:12.000 Okay, yeah, well, I got drunk with you in Indianapolis, but that's happened how many fucking decades in a row?

01:35:18.000 Okay, I don't remember you.

01:35:19.000 Did we fucking kill a guy?

01:35:23.000 You'd have to supersede other levels.

01:35:26.000 Oh, we went to a titty bar.

01:35:28.000 Oh, did I see tits there?

01:35:30.000 Oh.

01:35:31.000 Of course I remember you from 2002, you fucking stude.

01:35:37.000 There's been too many decades and too many...

01:35:39.000 Yeah, it's interesting when you look back at it.

01:35:41.000 I've likened it to, like, if you went to your entire public schooling, comedy, 21 years of comedy.

01:35:48.000 It's like if you went to your entire public schooling and then college and then a couple years of grad work.

01:35:56.000 But you are shit-faced every day for your entire fucking schooling and in a different school every week.

01:36:04.000 And you come up and say, do you remember me from eighth grade?

01:36:08.000 There's a fucking million eighth grades in this career.

01:36:11.000 Well, not only that.

01:36:12.000 Think about the numbers of people you meet every night.

01:36:15.000 Your brain's not designed for that.

01:36:17.000 Your brain's designed to meet like 50 people.

01:36:19.000 You're designed to have like 100 people around you.

01:36:22.000 I used to hate Richard Jenny.

01:36:22.000 Because Richard Jenny, when I was, remember that head of the class chick I dated forever, the fucking redhead?

01:36:29.000 I was dating her, so she had done a platypus man pilot for...

01:36:35.000 And so she'd be at the improv, and they'd hug and kiss.

01:36:40.000 And you know how Richard Jenny was a bit of a lech.

01:36:43.000 And she'd introduce me as her boyfriend.

01:36:47.000 She'd go, and this is my boyfriend, Doug.

01:36:49.000 And I'm like this fucking cunt with a mullet in the corner.

01:36:51.000 And you'd go, yeah, anyway.

01:36:53.000 Anyway, it's great to see you.

01:36:55.000 Want to go out to the thing and sushi?

01:36:56.000 And like...

01:36:57.000 And he did that a lot to me.

01:37:00.000 And then he was hosting one night at the fucking Montreal.

01:37:04.000 Like one of the dirty shows.

01:37:06.000 One of their late night contrived pieces.

01:37:09.000 Yeah, it's the danger zone.

01:37:11.000 And he was emceeing it.

01:37:14.000 Richard Jenney.

01:37:15.000 You know, the dangerous Richard Jenney.

01:37:17.000 On the danger midnight.

01:37:19.000 Fucking get another 25 quids out of you.

01:37:24.000 He says, I've never seen this next comic before.

01:37:27.000 And I go, you fucking hit on my girlfriend all the time.

01:37:32.000 This is my opening.

01:37:34.000 Yeah, he introduces me.

01:37:36.000 I've never met this comic before, but I've heard good things.

01:37:40.000 And I just opened with, you never met me.

01:37:43.000 You fucking try to hammer my girlfriend in front of me like I'm nothing all the time.

01:37:47.000 Wow.

01:37:49.000 He took it in good spirit.

01:37:50.000 Well, till the end.

01:37:52.000 Till he killed himself because I said it.

01:37:54.000 Do you think that's what really ultimately triggered him?

01:37:56.000 I'm pretty sure that was...

01:37:58.000 Just a slow burn.

01:37:59.000 My young fucking spirited Montreal son.

01:38:03.000 That one rant just destroyed his self-esteem.

01:38:05.000 Yes.

01:38:06.000 Did you like him as a comic?

01:38:09.000 He had one of the fucking best bits, and I've tried to find it on the internet, about something about playing the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald clear parties.

01:38:19.000 Oh, yeah.

01:38:20.000 I tried to find that on the fucking YouTube.

01:38:23.000 Yeah.

01:38:26.000 Yeah.

01:38:26.000 It was a good comic, man.

01:38:28.000 I didn't know him as a human being.

01:38:29.000 I guess you did.

01:38:30.000 No, I didn't.

01:38:31.000 Great comic.

01:38:32.000 And I was just poking fun when I said that on stage.

01:38:36.000 No, of course.

01:38:36.000 I know.

01:38:37.000 But the point of that story is now I'm Richard Jenny.

01:38:41.000 People are like, you don't fucking remember me.

01:38:43.000 I opened for you like five times.

01:38:45.000 I'm sorry.

01:38:46.000 I know you when we're doing shots of Jägermeister.

01:38:50.000 During that time, I know you.

01:38:52.000 Yeah, and maybe that memory comes back.

01:38:54.000 Do you know of a thing called Dunbar's number?

01:38:57.000 It's a theory that there's only a certain amount of numbers, a certain amount of human beings you can keep inside your head.

01:39:03.000 You can only have, like, a friendship with, like, 150 people.

01:39:07.000 And when it's more than 150 people, you simply don't have storage for it.

01:39:10.000 So all the people that you meet, I mean, you're meeting hundreds of people every fucking weekend.

01:39:14.000 Your brain is just overly burdened when you try to keep in touch with these people and stay friends with them.

01:39:20.000 Because when you first start getting any kind of fame, you're like, oh, you traveled from Youngstown.

01:39:26.000 Well, I'll take you to fucking after hours and then they think they're your friends, but then you get more fans.

01:39:33.000 So there's a value to them because they're fans and you've never had that, which is a shitty thing to say, but it's the truth.

01:39:40.000 Then you get more fans and you're like, all right, I'm not taking you to fucking breakfast.

01:39:44.000 Every time I see you.

01:39:45.000 Because now I have an actual fan base.

01:39:47.000 And then you have too many fans.

01:39:49.000 And then you don't even understand why they like you.

01:39:51.000 Because you hate yourself.

01:39:52.000 And then...

01:39:53.000 Oh, sorry.

01:39:54.000 Did I go too far?

01:39:58.000 Douglas, you don't hate yourself.

01:40:00.000 No, no, I was trying to bring that to an absurd place, but you can't be friends with your fans on some level.

01:40:09.000 It's a tricky thing.

01:40:10.000 Well, your fans especially.

01:40:11.000 You got a bunch of fucking psychos following you around, dude.

01:40:14.000 I have another fucking suicide.

01:40:16.000 I have a suicide letter I got to post on my site.

01:40:20.000 Really?

01:40:20.000 Yeah, it's...

01:40:20.000 We got a 4th of July, and I had my lawyer fucking fact check it, and they...

01:40:27.000 It's a real suicide?

01:40:28.000 Yeah.

01:40:29.000 Somebody killed themselves and sent a letter to you?

01:40:31.000 Yeah, they sent a letter.

01:40:33.000 I wanted to see it before.

01:40:36.000 It was nice.

01:40:38.000 My friend is...

01:40:40.000 You get a picture.

01:40:41.000 Fourth of July party at the house.

01:40:43.000 So I get this fan mail.

01:40:45.000 I always put my address on the fucking website.

01:40:47.000 Hey, today.

01:40:49.000 It's Friday, right?

01:40:51.000 Whatever it is.

01:40:51.000 Tuesday.

01:40:52.000 Steal something from work.

01:40:54.000 Right now.

01:40:55.000 Podcast listeners.

01:40:57.000 Steal something from work.

01:40:59.000 It doesn't have to have any value.

01:41:01.000 Just some piece of shit.

01:41:02.000 Take your fucking co-workers picture of their niece off their desk and mail it on the company dime right now to Bingo at 212 Van Dyke Street.

01:41:14.000 Like Dick Van Dyke, 212 Van Dyke, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. So I put this, I'll do this every now and then on radio or on my Facebook just because Ben goes retarded and she never understands why all these packages are showing up with fucking post-it notes.

01:41:33.000 Some guy sent his co-worker's phone while he just unplugged their phone.

01:41:38.000 It was like, I don't know if it's FedEx or UPS. The guy wrote, he said, this is my last day on the job, so I'm going to send you...

01:41:45.000 He sent a scanner that's so obsolete that they can't replace them, so it has value, and he's quitting his job anyway, so he sent something, UPS or FedEx, on their dime as of, fuck you, quitting their job.

01:42:00.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:42:01.000 Jesus Christ.

01:42:03.000 That's fucking funny.

01:42:04.000 So what do you do with all this stuff?

01:42:05.000 What do you have stored?

01:42:08.000 It's usually nothing of value.

01:42:10.000 Fucking UPS scanner, I drop everything at the thrift store.

01:42:15.000 Like t-shirts that you get from...

01:42:17.000 Oh, so you just take them to the thrift store.

01:42:19.000 Start my t-shirt company.

01:42:21.000 There's a lot of t-shirt companies.

01:42:23.000 Have you noticed how many t-shirt companies there are?

01:42:25.000 Everybody has a t-shirt company.

01:42:27.000 Especially in the MMA world.

01:42:28.000 That's when I really noticed it.

01:42:29.000 Yeah, sell it to fucking the MMA world.

01:42:31.000 Because guys with fucking beer guts don't wear t-shirts.

01:42:34.000 I wear layers.

01:42:35.000 You wear layers?

01:42:36.000 Yeah.

01:42:37.000 Do you fuck with your clothes off?

01:42:39.000 I don't fuck anymore.

01:42:40.000 Done.

01:42:41.000 You just lost all.

01:42:42.000 You don't like it.

01:42:43.000 When was the last time you tapped?

01:42:47.000 Occasionally you do narcotics and they go, oh, hey, yeah, I have a sex drive.

01:42:53.000 So yeah, probably Portland.

01:43:01.000 Once a year?

01:43:02.000 Yeah, but it wasn't, like, we'd just start laughing in the middle.

01:43:05.000 Like, this is so ridiculous.

01:43:07.000 Wow.

01:43:08.000 It's just, yeah, it's such a non-event.

01:43:10.000 It feels fucking trivial.

01:43:12.000 What is that like?

01:43:13.000 That's a weird feeling.

01:43:16.000 What is that like?

01:43:19.000 It's like if you just didn't, you weren't hungry anymore.

01:43:24.000 You want to eat?

01:43:25.000 No?

01:43:25.000 Good.

01:43:27.000 Yeah.

01:43:27.000 But it's funny how many people, their lives are defined by that lust and that passion, how important it is for them.

01:43:34.000 Well, you do see where, like, my comedy has fucking slouched since then, but you realize that you boil it all down to what was the root cause of all this desire?

01:43:44.000 It was pussy.

01:43:46.000 And then you get, and then you fucking blow a load on her tits, and you go, hmm, isn't there a better way to say I like you?

01:43:55.000 Like, isn't there something...

01:43:56.000 It's not if she likes it.

01:43:58.000 Yeah.

01:43:58.000 If she likes it and you like it, it's pretty fucking fun.

01:44:00.000 But it's nature's fuck job where now you can think past nature where you go, all right, now I see what nature does, but nature's fucked.

01:44:07.000 Do you just ever just...

01:44:09.000 The entire...

01:44:09.000 Where you can look at the actual fucking planet Earth and go, you fucked up.

01:44:16.000 I know it's a pompous attitude, but I guess to say that nature is fucked and we're right...

01:44:23.000 Well, we are natural.

01:44:24.000 We have logic.

01:44:25.000 Yeah, we're natural too, man.

01:44:27.000 That's one thing that people don't consider.

01:44:28.000 I think that everything we do is ultimately very natural.

01:44:31.000 Everything is natural.

01:44:32.000 Fucking the chemicals you're promoting are natural because it came from somewhere in the earth.

01:44:36.000 Exactly.

01:44:37.000 There's no fucking alien substances.

01:44:39.000 Everything is natural, even chemicals.

01:44:40.000 Yeah.

01:44:40.000 It's true.

01:44:41.000 Yeah.

01:44:42.000 I think behavior is as well.

01:44:44.000 I think people are so fucked up because our organism is designed to promote a purpose.

01:44:50.000 And that purpose seems to be technologically related.

01:44:53.000 It seems to be about innovation.

01:44:54.000 And Red Band's purpose is to get me a cocktail, little lady!

01:44:58.000 I'll take one too, fella.

01:45:00.000 Give me another one of those.

01:45:01.000 Sam Adams.

01:45:02.000 I'll take one of your diet fucking off-brand 7-ups.

01:45:07.000 You want the food club special.

01:45:08.000 Did you get food club 7-ups?

01:45:10.000 He says, well, I keep diet.

01:45:11.000 I keep diet for the porn stars.

01:45:13.000 Oh, they all like diet?

01:45:14.000 That's what he said.

01:45:15.000 But he's got like some fucking off-brand Sam's Cola kind of...

01:45:18.000 He told me he keeps energy drinks for the porn stars.

01:45:20.000 So they all want energy drinks.

01:45:22.000 Can I get an energy drink?

01:45:24.000 Actually, no.

01:45:25.000 You have Vitale Vodka.

01:45:27.000 I drink Red Bull and Vodka.

01:45:29.000 I try to get rid of that fucking Jägermeister burden.

01:45:32.000 Just saying Jägermeister on stage, you feel like I'm fucking a 44-year-old man saying Jägermeister.

01:45:39.000 Is that a bad thing to say?

01:45:41.000 At some point where you go, I'm too old to do this.

01:45:45.000 You've had those moments.

01:45:47.000 Sure.

01:45:48.000 Yeah, when you're doing shots.

01:45:50.000 But somehow another whiskey, you could be 60 and still get a shot of whiskey.

01:45:53.000 You're doing Jager bombs when you're 60. Exactly!

01:45:56.000 You look like a man of no class.

01:45:57.000 But I've grown a taste for all this shit, where all the beer that I like is just shit, horrible corporate beer.

01:46:07.000 And I watch football too.

01:46:09.000 So what?

01:46:10.000 Embrace it.

01:46:10.000 But no, the fact that you see all the ads are geared towards the dumbest people alive and you go, I like your product.

01:46:18.000 Why do you make me feel like an asshole for fucking having a giant ad campaign saying that the fucking label tells me when it's cold because I don't have fucking temperature?

01:46:28.000 It's...

01:46:29.000 But that's what I like.

01:46:30.000 Shit.

01:46:31.000 I enjoy shit.

01:46:33.000 I'm at terms with it.

01:46:35.000 I just hate when it's marketed towards me.

01:46:37.000 I know what you're talking about, when it treats you like you're dumb, but there's a lot of shit that's cool.

01:46:41.000 You know, I like muscle cars.

01:46:42.000 I know they're stupid.

01:46:43.000 I know they're dumb.

01:46:44.000 I don't care.

01:46:45.000 I have a Shelby Mustang.

01:46:47.000 I like the way it sounds.

01:46:48.000 I like when I hit the gas, it goes, I'm very aware that we're on a planet, and this planet's a part of a galaxy, and this galaxy's a part of the universe.

01:46:56.000 I'm enjoying this fucking Mustang.

01:46:58.000 It's fun.

01:46:59.000 I didn't ask to be here.

01:47:01.000 Exactly.

01:47:02.000 Fuck you and your environment.

01:47:04.000 Sue my mother.

01:47:05.000 She's the one who had the fucking gall to create life without its consent.

01:47:09.000 Yeah, that's my attitude towards anybody that tells you that you're supposed to be really involved in our political system.

01:47:14.000 Hey, we're born into a fucking system that we have no control over and it's absolutely completely fucked.

01:47:18.000 You want me to really get involved and invested in this?

01:47:21.000 Is that really fixable?

01:47:22.000 Yeah, no.

01:47:23.000 You make your own fucking government.

01:47:26.000 It's what the Amish do.

01:47:27.000 It's what gangs do.

01:47:29.000 You make your own fucking reality.

01:47:31.000 But then the federal government is always the big daddy looking over the whole pile.

01:47:34.000 But it's something that you learn to avoid the same way you avoid fucking scorpions.

01:47:39.000 I live in Arizona.

01:47:40.000 I shake out my shit before I put it on.

01:47:43.000 Do you really?

01:47:44.000 How often do you get scorpions?

01:47:45.000 Well, not often enough, but if it's been sitting there for a while, you shake it out.

01:47:50.000 You know your environment.

01:47:51.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:47:52.000 The point is, the same way you avoid every other fucking obstacle, you just avoid the government.

01:47:58.000 You vote for Ron Paul and it makes you feel good and there's nothing to do on a Tuesday anyway.

01:48:04.000 You can't start a compound, though.

01:48:06.000 They don't let you do that.

01:48:08.000 Can't do that.

01:48:09.000 But you just don't call it a compound.

01:48:10.000 What do you call it?

01:48:10.000 That's the thing is people have to brag and then call it a church.

01:48:14.000 They have to be fucking like, ooh, I'm going to get on fucking radio until everyone's coming to my compound.

01:48:19.000 Waco.

01:48:20.000 You know what?

01:48:21.000 Just fucking shut up.

01:48:22.000 Go down to fucking properties cheap in Texas.

01:48:26.000 Get a whole compound and just say, hey.

01:48:28.000 Do you think you'll ever move to Texas?

01:48:30.000 I'll fucking proselytize.

01:48:32.000 Yeah, you can get plenty of pussy just running it that way.

01:48:35.000 You don't have to get crazy.

01:48:36.000 Everyone that's in a fucking criminal element has to be so, like...

01:48:39.000 They take it too far.

01:48:41.000 Yeah.

01:48:41.000 What gets them to the party ultimately drowns them.

01:48:43.000 They drown in their own desire to...

01:48:46.000 If Occupy Wall Street would dress up like Wall Street so they were indecipherable...

01:48:51.000 It's too much money.

01:48:53.000 It's a lot of money.

01:48:53.000 No, it's a fucking thrift store run.

01:48:55.000 Yeah.

01:48:55.000 Yeah, but you gotta cut your hair.

01:48:56.000 There's a lot of dudes that dreadlocks.

01:48:58.000 Exactly.

01:48:59.000 So commit yourself to the cause.

01:49:01.000 You know what?

01:49:01.000 That's why I love Anonymous.

01:49:04.000 If they fucking sold merch, I'd buy a shirt.

01:49:08.000 I was thinking, Brian, we should do a Guy Fawkes mask day where we wear the mask.

01:49:12.000 Fucking Anonymous.

01:49:13.000 I got mine already.

01:49:13.000 People like that are doing something.

01:49:16.000 They're fucking with the system.

01:49:18.000 WikiLeaks is fucking with the system.

01:49:20.000 And you're fucking...

01:49:22.000 You're gonna camp.

01:49:23.000 You're going to walk for a cure is what you're going to do.

01:49:26.000 What they are though, dude, is they're representing giant numbers.

01:49:29.000 You do need soldiers.

01:49:30.000 You need Anonymous.

01:49:31.000 You need WikiLeaks.

01:49:33.000 But the problem is they go after leaders.

01:49:34.000 And the beautiful thing about this whole Occupy Wall Street thing is there's no leaders.

01:49:38.000 That's the beautiful thing about it.

01:49:40.000 But there's no guidance.

01:49:43.000 I shouldn't say leaders.

01:49:44.000 But there's a pretty cohesive message.

01:49:46.000 The point is it could be done like Yes Men style.

01:49:50.000 There's so many...

01:49:51.000 You see that fucking...

01:49:53.000 It's like a Dane Cook audience without a comic.

01:49:57.000 Where you see that fucking need for...

01:50:00.000 You could turn this force into something.

01:50:03.000 And there's such fucking dimwits.

01:50:05.000 Like any movement, most of the populace is going to be a fucking dimwit.

01:50:09.000 And they need to...

01:50:11.000 Well, you know, I mean, if you want to go back and read the conspiracy theories of the 60s and the 70s, the idea was that they were engineering our civilization to be this stupid.

01:50:22.000 And that they were engineering the poor neighborhoods to have shit education and keeping the priorities of education at a minimum so that they can continue to run people because most people are too fucking stupid to realize what's going on.

01:50:34.000 As long as they can keep this charade going.

01:50:37.000 And that's why it's all falling apart.

01:50:39.000 It's because the internet now has allowed pretty much everybody to see what's really happening in the world, see where the real numbers are going and the money's going.

01:50:46.000 Except for what Alex Jones sees.

01:50:48.000 He sees something you can't even see on the internet.

01:50:51.000 Black 995s!

01:50:53.000 Unless you buy gold, ladies and gentlemen.

01:50:55.000 Right now, they have baskets out in the desert where they're looking to put your gold!

01:51:02.000 Hey, Joe.

01:51:03.000 Senator McCain, you are a disgrace, sir!

01:51:07.000 Remember when we were talking about Occupy L.A., and I said something silly about how I think they should move to the trees and make an Ewok village?

01:51:17.000 I guess that's exactly what happened.

01:51:19.000 Dude, I told you before the podcast, we were saying that that guy's a guy from Fear Factor.

01:51:23.000 Oh, he is?

01:51:23.000 Yeah.

01:51:24.000 He's on Fear Factor.

01:51:25.000 His name is Shane.

01:51:26.000 That's crazy.

01:51:27.000 Yeah, he was on Fear Factor with his chick.

01:51:28.000 Yeah, so they're creating an Ewok village.

01:51:31.000 I get all confused with...

01:51:33.000 That's ridiculous.

01:51:35.000 It's a very strange thing, man.

01:51:37.000 It's a weird movement.

01:51:38.000 There's all these people camped out, man.

01:51:39.000 And a lot of them, this is where they fucking live.

01:51:41.000 But why do you need a fucking movement?

01:51:43.000 That's what kills me.

01:51:43.000 Why do you need a gang?

01:51:44.000 It's fascinating, Doug Stanhope.

01:51:45.000 You don't.

01:51:46.000 Why do you need a fucking group?

01:51:46.000 You don't.

01:51:47.000 But to me, this is an exciting time.

01:51:50.000 This is really interesting.

01:51:51.000 I don't know what's happening, but to me, I see...

01:51:53.000 These numbers of people moving and these numbers of people protesting are unprecedented.

01:51:59.000 We've never had a public display of how fucking pissed people are like this.

01:52:05.000 A public display of how many people are saying this is insane.

01:52:08.000 I know it's fantastic.

01:52:09.000 This system's insane.

01:52:09.000 It's amazing.

01:52:10.000 I know it needs to be corralled.

01:52:12.000 But it's going to.

01:52:13.000 It's going to eventually...

01:52:14.000 First of all, the real unfortunate aspect of it all is that they're trying as hard as they can to control it.

01:52:20.000 Little Caesars Pizza?

01:52:20.000 Little Caesar's Pizza?

01:52:22.000 No, Occupy Wall Street, brought to you by...

01:52:24.000 Olive Garden.

01:52:25.000 Olive Garden.

01:52:26.000 Yeah.

01:52:27.000 The most unfortunate aspect of it is that if it keeps growing, they're going to keep pushing it back, and eventually something's going to break.

01:52:33.000 They're going to push people.

01:52:34.000 I mean, we've already had people getting hurt, people getting hit with tear gas canisters in their fucking face, flash grenades.

01:52:41.000 We've already had a lot of that shit happen, but if it keeps growing, it's going to keep pushing, and they're going to have to push back.

01:52:46.000 I mean, it's almost inevitable.

01:52:50.000 So what happens then?

01:52:51.000 That becomes a real problem.

01:52:52.000 Where does it go?

01:52:53.000 No one's explained to me what the fucking fight is.

01:52:56.000 Well, the fight is that the system's fucked.

01:52:58.000 The fight is that people didn't want all these bailouts.

01:53:00.000 They don't think that all these...

01:53:01.000 That's such a broad thing.

01:53:02.000 It's a huge, broad thing.

01:53:04.000 It's absolutely broad.

01:53:05.000 That's what we've known for years.

01:53:07.000 You're right.

01:53:07.000 But this is a general ignorant reaction.

01:53:11.000 Or not ignorant.

01:53:12.000 Any mob action is an ignorant reaction.

01:53:14.000 It is.

01:53:15.000 Generally.

01:53:15.000 I don't want to say ignorant, but what it is is it's an unfocused anger with a good percentage of the people who have a clear idea what's the problem.

01:53:25.000 But there's a lot of them that are absolutely just running around like...

01:53:29.000 From a completely military point of view, yes, you need a bunch of stupid people who don't really know what's going on.

01:53:36.000 Unfortunately, they get interviewed by the press.

01:53:39.000 You need fucking numbers, and most of the populace is dumb as shit, and you have to get numbers.

01:53:44.000 Yeah.

01:53:44.000 Not only that, there's also a real tactic of agent provocateurs where there's cops that dress up and go in and start shit and then arrest everybody.

01:53:54.000 But why don't they do the fucking same thing back?

01:53:56.000 Dress like a cop.

01:53:58.000 Without the insignia, yeah, put on fucking riot gear.

01:54:03.000 Why are you sitting out there?

01:54:04.000 I'm a weak hippie.

01:54:05.000 Dress up like a fucking Raider fan.

01:54:08.000 Giant fucking Mad Max helmet Darth Vader.

01:54:11.000 Yeah, be as intimidating as the, more intimidating than the cops.

01:54:15.000 Yeah, put on the attire of a guy who has a country club membership.

01:54:17.000 I really, I just want to be a punch-up writer for fucking Occupy Wall Street.

01:54:20.000 I'm not against them.

01:54:21.000 I'm not, I don't know what they're for.

01:54:23.000 Yeah, the system's fucked, and I'm glad that you're out there doing something.

01:54:26.000 I just want to fucking write some ideas for you, rather than make it so fucking obvious, like, I'm a hippie, a Well, don't you think that's just inevitable?

01:54:35.000 Whenever you have any sort of a gathering, anybody can join.

01:54:38.000 What are you going to do?

01:54:39.000 Are you going to kick the people that suck out?

01:54:41.000 No, I quit comedy and go out and go, here's a better sign.

01:54:44.000 We are the 99%.

01:54:46.000 Alright, everyone else has that sign.

01:54:48.000 I want to fucking help.

01:54:49.000 Let's make this funnier.

01:54:51.000 Funnier revolution.

01:54:52.000 But how is that going to help you get rid of all the retards?

01:54:55.000 It doesn't.

01:54:56.000 There's no way to get rid of the retards.

01:54:58.000 There's no way to educate them.

01:54:59.000 You can fucking educate your kids.

01:55:01.000 You have fucking two kids now, and you can pretend like you're going to have an influence on their life.

01:55:06.000 You can have an influence on their life, for sure.

01:55:08.000 Oh, you can.

01:55:09.000 You're not going to run the whole thing.

01:55:11.000 It's an independent human being.

01:55:13.000 Fucking Patton Oswalt had the great bit about how kids always rebel against their parents.

01:55:18.000 So I'm going to be the worst parent in the world, and I'm going to have...

01:55:22.000 Phil Collins, no jacket required, framed on the mantelpiece, so my kids turn out cool.

01:55:30.000 That's funny.

01:55:31.000 Yeah, it's a weird idea, you know, trying to figure out what way to push and pull your kids.

01:55:38.000 You see them reacting to you, though.

01:55:40.000 That's the strangest thing.

01:55:41.000 You see them, you know, like, getting upset that you telling them that they can't do something, and so they rebound the other way.

01:55:48.000 You know, you can see that pattern developing really early.

01:55:51.000 Where a lot of us, you know, I mean, I don't know how you were raised, but I met your mom.

01:55:55.000 You're the only friend I have that I don't dismiss once I have kids.

01:56:00.000 Because you have kids like a fucking terrarium project.

01:56:05.000 I'm going to fucking control the growth.

01:56:07.000 I'm going to monitor it.

01:56:09.000 You're not a parent.

01:56:10.000 Oh, I'm a parent.

01:56:11.000 I mean, I enjoy it.

01:56:12.000 Well, no, you are.

01:56:13.000 I enjoy it.

01:56:13.000 The same way you've never been like a...

01:56:15.000 We never met your girlfriend.

01:56:18.000 Well, I guess most of us are the guy that brings their girl.

01:56:22.000 No, girlfriend, my whole personal life is a...

01:56:25.000 It's almost like your friends are TMZ. No, I'm going to keep everything private away.

01:56:31.000 I don't think you know me as well as most people.

01:56:33.000 Well, I never met...

01:56:35.000 Yeah.

01:56:36.000 Exactly.

01:56:37.000 Jessica?

01:56:38.000 Yeah, don't...

01:56:39.000 Don't say names.

01:56:40.000 Oh, shit.

01:56:41.000 Sorry, it's too late.

01:56:42.000 Oh, fuck.

01:56:42.000 All right.

01:56:43.000 We haven't talked in a while.

01:56:44.000 It's all right.

01:56:45.000 She doesn't go by her married name.

01:56:47.000 Ha-ha.

01:56:51.000 Yeah.

01:56:51.000 Sorry.

01:56:52.000 Yeah, but no, I tell people everything.

01:56:54.000 I just don't tell the internet everything.

01:56:56.000 No, no.

01:56:57.000 You and I have...

01:56:59.000 You would never...

01:56:59.000 We've got a comedy friendship, you know?

01:57:02.000 No, and you're just comedy life.

01:57:07.000 When you said, hey, come to the UFC. Oh, I don't like that, man.

01:57:11.000 There's a lot of dudes that integrate these girls that they're dating into their fucking comedy life and they bring them everywhere.

01:57:17.000 And they change their personality.

01:57:19.000 Yeah.

01:57:20.000 Which I've seen since then.

01:57:21.000 It gets weird, man.

01:57:22.000 It gets weird, you know?

01:57:24.000 I've seen it.

01:57:25.000 I mean, it's nothing wrong.

01:57:25.000 I mean, you can take your check anyway.

01:57:27.000 There's nothing wrong with that.

01:57:28.000 But I don't think you should always do things together.

01:57:31.000 I think there's nothing wrong with having completely separate lives.

01:57:35.000 Bingo is like my best fucking friend in the world.

01:57:37.000 It works.

01:57:37.000 It works for you guys.

01:57:39.000 It's like whatever works, you know?

01:57:40.000 For what me has always worked is you've got to separate church and state.

01:57:45.000 Yeah, no, that's always been...

01:57:47.000 So, yeah, there's always been kind of a border.

01:57:49.000 No, it's not even a border, dude.

01:57:51.000 No, it's just something...

01:57:52.000 No, it's nothing you introduced into any relationship.

01:57:56.000 You're just so alien from, like, my show.

01:57:59.000 I'm high as shit, if that's what you mean.

01:58:01.000 Yeah, I'm thinking on...

01:58:02.000 Yeah, I'm getting back.

01:58:06.000 I'm coming back.

01:58:07.000 I'm good.

01:58:07.000 You're making a comeback?

01:58:08.000 You feeling it?

01:58:09.000 Do you want an energy drink to push you over the top?

01:58:11.000 No, no, I'm good.

01:58:12.000 I have a cocktail.

01:58:13.000 I just...

01:58:14.000 You're centering?

01:58:16.000 Yeah, my fucking head has been in so many places.

01:58:19.000 When you're just like, oh, what's a microphone?

01:58:23.000 It was just a big rush.

01:58:24.000 All that dumb fucking high shit is coming.

01:58:27.000 All right, I understand what a microphone is, and I'm not really baffled anymore by the fact that we can talk to a million people.

01:58:34.000 It seems like we're all in the same room.

01:58:37.000 I think it's amazing how well you've actually held it together.

01:58:39.000 I could never, ever podcast shrooming.

01:58:42.000 You did an amazing job.

01:58:45.000 This Occupy Wall Street thing, this is why I pulled this article up because I knew we were going to talk about this.

01:58:50.000 This is the National Defense Authorization Act.

01:58:53.000 This is what I was talking about earlier, where they're literally going to define the U.S. homeland as a battlefield and make U.S. citizens subject to military apprehension and detainment for life without access to a trial or attorney.

01:59:07.000 This is amazing.

01:59:08.000 I mean, there's something that they've crafted.

01:59:10.000 This is another high thing, but you're acting like law matters.

01:59:14.000 No, I'm not, but I'm acting like this is the reaction.

01:59:16.000 They do that shit.

01:59:17.000 Cops beat you every fucking day.

01:59:20.000 But it's against the Constitution!

01:59:22.000 No one cares.

01:59:23.000 That's such a...

01:59:24.000 But they do care.

01:59:25.000 I mean, people are really freaking out about this.

01:59:26.000 Yeah, if you're one guy that occasionally brings something to a Supreme Court every four years and they go, you were right, you were fucked, and then he gets nothing out of the battle.

01:59:35.000 But in your general day...

01:59:38.000 Sorry.

01:59:39.000 Well, what this is is trying to turn the U.S. into a place where they can have the military patrol things.

01:59:45.000 So the military would control things like Occupy Wall Street.

01:59:48.000 They're preparing for civil unrest, and they're preparing to do it legally.

01:59:52.000 What they're preparing to do is to make the United States a battleground so that when you are in a situation like Occupy Wall Street, you're literally like an enemy combatant.

02:00:02.000 But they've been doing that for fucking 10 years.

02:00:05.000 But they're putting it on paper.

02:00:06.000 I mean, that's what's really crazy.

02:00:07.000 And they're so blatant about it that they're literally putting this on paper.

02:00:13.000 You know, they're trying to pass this through, and people are fucking freaking out about it, man.

02:00:17.000 Well, that's good.

02:00:18.000 Yeah, finally.

02:00:20.000 But it's still amazing that this is something that they're so fucking stupid.

02:00:23.000 These people live in a different age.

02:00:26.000 They live in an age of the media reporting things.

02:00:28.000 And when these things get out on the internet and CNN's not covering it and Washington Times isn't covering it, but you can get it on your fucking computer and go, what is this shit?

02:00:37.000 Is this real?

02:00:38.000 And then you make some phone calls and you find out it is and everybody freaks the fuck out.

02:00:42.000 But does it make your life miserable?

02:00:44.000 It scares me.

02:00:49.000 They shouldn't be allowed to do that.

02:00:50.000 They shouldn't be allowed to bring...

02:00:51.000 Look, there's a reason why people are freaking out, and these people need to be addressed.

02:00:55.000 You need to figure out how to deal with that.

02:00:57.000 And the way to deal with it isn't a fucking tank.

02:00:59.000 This isn't Tiananmen Square.

02:01:00.000 It's supposed to be the United States.

02:01:02.000 And at the end of the day...

02:01:03.000 But it won't change without drastic...

02:01:05.000 Why is that?

02:01:06.000 Isn't the internet drastic?

02:01:07.000 The internet is the most drastic fucking thing to ever be introduced to a society ever.

02:01:11.000 People have to pay their fucking mortgage.

02:01:15.000 You see people that are rolling their own cigarettes.

02:01:20.000 They don't give a fuck about some law passing.

02:01:23.000 They're trying to fucking feed fat kids.

02:01:26.000 Is that it?

02:01:27.000 So when everyone's down, that's how revolutions, there's no fucking revolution of the middle class.

02:01:34.000 Oh, that's when the middle class rose up.

02:01:38.000 I think you're right in a certain sense.

02:01:40.000 It has to.

02:01:41.000 The cynical viewpoint is pragmatic.

02:01:44.000 I mean, it's normal.

02:01:45.000 It's based on history.

02:01:47.000 You're absolutely right.

02:01:47.000 But it's not based on the best that people are capable of.

02:01:51.000 The best people are capable of, they're capable of much more than that.

02:01:54.000 It's just that we can't pull it off on a mass scale.

02:01:57.000 We're just not good at it.

02:01:58.000 But we're capable of it.

02:01:59.000 We're more than capable of pretty fucking awesome behavior on an individual basis.

02:02:03.000 And the key is trying to figure out how that can be relayed to the entire population as an ethic.

02:02:09.000 And the only way that's going to ever work is if people feel like the system that they operate under is fair.

02:02:13.000 And right now they clearly don't.

02:02:15.000 Right now, the people feel like they look at all the money that's going to these CEOs that have been fucking...

02:02:20.000 Nobody looks at that.

02:02:21.000 They do.

02:02:21.000 They look at the numbers.

02:02:22.000 They can't help it.

02:02:23.000 That's your fan base.

02:02:24.000 Don't ever confuse your fan base with what lives in the fucking world in the dark houses on the fucking Route 66. You're right.

02:02:32.000 You're right.

02:02:33.000 For the most part, you're right.

02:02:33.000 They don't ever think about There's plenty of people that do, though.

02:02:36.000 The people that are informed should be the ones you're paying attention to, right?

02:02:39.000 Water cooler talk where they fucking mimic bumper stickers.

02:02:42.000 Yes.

02:02:43.000 But they have no idea what a fucking CEO is or how it affects their...

02:02:48.000 You're absolutely right.

02:02:49.000 They just want to fucking get Velveeta cheese for their fucking kid.

02:02:52.000 And if it's a dollar off, they're happy.

02:02:54.000 And they're not even poor.

02:02:56.000 You're right.

02:02:57.000 The real question, though, is why are they like that?

02:03:00.000 And the question is, are they like that because of nature or nurture?

02:03:02.000 Are they like that because they grew up in this fucked up society where, you know, in the 50s and 60s or whatever the fuck time they were developing, there was no information.

02:03:10.000 Everybody was horseshit.

02:03:12.000 But you act like information is something that people want.

02:03:17.000 Whether you want it or not, there's enough people that want it that are moving things.

02:03:21.000 Yeah, but we live in a very insular.

02:03:25.000 We think you have fucking three million listeners, but they just want to hear fistfuck jokes.

02:03:32.000 That's one thing.

02:03:33.000 Facebook has made me realize how many times people laugh for the wrong reasons because they comment about it.

02:03:39.000 Do you lose all respect for a dude when you see a legit LOL? It's so easy to lose respect for someone.

02:03:46.000 I try not to.

02:03:47.000 I try to be open-minded.

02:03:48.000 That's what I was talking about earlier, though.

02:03:49.000 I do LOLs.

02:03:50.000 I do happy faces.

02:03:51.000 I just don't care.

02:03:52.000 I think it's funny as a joke.

02:03:56.000 Yeah, well, when you do LOLs to me, I actually do think it's funny because I know it's not a real LOL. It's like you're making fun of the fact that you're saying LOL. You're being a silly face.

02:04:04.000 It's a joke that's three times gone, right?

02:04:07.000 Where, hey, in the sitcom day that you were around for and...

02:04:11.000 Hey, let me be the wacky neighbor.

02:04:13.000 That's what your friends would say.

02:04:14.000 And then they said it too much.

02:04:17.000 And you're like, alright, that's such a cliche.

02:04:19.000 Let me be your wacky neighbor.

02:04:20.000 That now it's a cliche of when it was a cliche.

02:04:23.000 So it's funny again.

02:04:24.000 Right, right, right.

02:04:25.000 Let me be your wacky neighbor on your podcast.

02:04:28.000 Yeah.

02:04:29.000 Yeah, that's true.

02:04:30.000 Yeah.

02:04:31.000 Yeah, it's like refried beans.

02:04:33.000 LOL? LOL. Stop!

02:04:36.000 Why do I have to see my goddamn ugly head everywhere I look?

02:04:39.000 It's just what it looks like, bro.

02:04:41.000 Gotta just look at me.

02:04:42.000 Focus on the magic.

02:04:43.000 You look very good.

02:04:43.000 You look very healthy.

02:04:44.000 You keep going into De Niro, though.

02:04:46.000 Doug, you actually look really healthy this time.

02:04:48.000 You look really good.

02:04:50.000 It's out in the sun.

02:04:51.000 My house was on the fucking Women's Group Bisbee Home Tour.

02:04:54.000 The Women's Group Bisbee Home Tour?

02:04:57.000 What is that?

02:04:58.000 I think it was Nick Thune.

02:05:02.000 I'm sorry.

02:05:04.000 I can't call you back right now, but...

02:05:09.000 I called someone with an excuse where I go, I'm ashamed to admit it has something to do with the Bisbee Women's Club.

02:05:17.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

02:05:18.000 So they would do a tour of the homes in the area?

02:05:21.000 They won't do it.

02:05:22.000 Every year they do a Bisbee home tour because there's a lot of weird houses there.

02:05:26.000 So after 29 years in a town of 6,000, they were out of ideas, so they came to us because we paint our rocks weird.

02:05:36.000 Yeah.

02:05:36.000 Yeah, what do you do?

02:05:37.000 You paint your rocks weird?

02:05:38.000 I'll try it again.

02:05:39.000 All right, hit it.

02:05:40.000 Doug, have you done any pranks lately?

02:05:42.000 5. 540. Pranks.

02:05:45.000 You know what?

02:05:45.000 It was the awesome, the awestomest thing.

02:05:47.000 The most awestomest thing.

02:05:48.000 You just fucking wore off on me, dude.

02:05:50.000 I got infected by Brian Redman.

02:05:52.000 Was when you would do those pedophile baitings.

02:05:55.000 Did you put those out in a book?

02:05:56.000 Yeah, I put them out in a book, but the title of the book is Fun with Pedophiles.

02:06:02.000 I never even considered, because, you know, I'm the fucking last guy to even think about technology.

02:06:09.000 Sorry, just...

02:06:11.000 This is another reason I don't smoke pot.

02:06:17.000 You say this while you have a cigarette in your hand.

02:06:20.000 I never thought that people wouldn't want to punch pedophiles into a search engine.

02:06:26.000 I don't know a search engine.

02:06:27.000 Yeah, you don't want that.

02:06:29.000 And that's the name of the book.

02:06:31.000 Can't you re-release it?

02:06:32.000 I could.

02:06:33.000 Just call it baiting.

02:06:34.000 Yeah, the best of baiting is the subtitle.

02:06:37.000 Oh, okay.

02:06:38.000 Yeah, but fun with pedophiles, that is a problem.

02:06:40.000 Yeah, this is fucking...

02:06:42.000 You gotta be real careful about that these days.

02:06:44.000 That probably brings up some...

02:06:45.000 There's like some crazy search engine database with the FBI, right?

02:06:50.000 Yeah.

02:06:51.000 Fun with pedophiles.

02:06:51.000 There it is.

02:06:52.000 I love the cover, by the way.

02:06:53.000 I love the cover.

02:06:54.000 It's so nice.

02:06:55.000 Flowers and shit.

02:06:56.000 Be ballsy.

02:06:57.000 Occupy fun with pedophiles.

02:06:59.000 Eight positive reviews, too.

02:07:00.000 Look at that.

02:07:01.000 Yeah, so folks, go get that book because it is fucking hilarious because I remember when a lot of them were online.

02:07:06.000 That's the only stuff I've ever done that I go back and I laugh my balls off at my own stuff.

02:07:11.000 I hate my comedy.

02:07:12.000 I can't listen to an old album, a new album.

02:07:15.000 Fun with pedophiles.

02:07:17.000 I read and I fucking laugh like someone else wrote it.

02:07:19.000 Well, that was those baiting days.

02:07:22.000 Is that site still up?

02:07:25.000 Betting.org?

02:07:25.000 Yeah, it's archived.

02:07:27.000 It's not active, but you can read all their shit.

02:07:30.000 So good stuff.

02:07:30.000 So much good stuff.

02:07:31.000 Wicked funny.

02:07:32.000 There's a guy called don'tevenreply.com that fucks with Craigslist people, but he only updates it like every fucking three months.

02:07:41.000 You come back from Europe and you're like, oh, don't even reply.

02:07:44.000 Do you have a...

02:07:45.000 Because he's so good.

02:07:46.000 It's wicked funny.

02:07:47.000 Wow.

02:07:47.000 So, yeah, you guys are bored.

02:07:50.000 Go to don'tevenreply.com and say do some more shit.

02:07:53.000 He's out of Philly, I think.

02:07:55.000 Do you remember when the Jerky Boys weren't famous?

02:07:59.000 Remember when it was like a tape that would go around?

02:08:00.000 Yeah, underground tapes.

02:08:01.000 Like, they're making a documentary out of, what did you...

02:08:05.000 Shut up, little man!

02:08:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:08:06.000 Red bar.

02:08:07.000 Is that what it is?

02:08:08.000 The red bar?

02:08:08.000 Red bar was, that's what Moe Sislak is based on in The Simpsons, is the tube bar.

02:08:13.000 Tube bar tapes.

02:08:14.000 Oh, right, right, right, right.

02:08:15.000 And they based Moe Sislak on the tube bar tapes.

02:08:20.000 Alcoholic, that was a famous tube bar.

02:08:22.000 Does this bar?

02:08:23.000 And he goes, Al!

02:08:25.000 Alcoholic!

02:08:25.000 And then he'd finally catch on and he'd go, you motherfucker, cocksucker, I'll fucking kill you, I'll find your mother, I'll fucking kill her.

02:08:34.000 Yeah, the tube bar tapes.

02:08:35.000 Yeah, that guy was hilarious.

02:08:37.000 That's what I was thinking of.

02:08:38.000 Oh, Winnebago Man is a documentary based on those days, which is fantastic.

02:08:43.000 Winnebago Man is based on this guy who was a Winnebago salesman who would do these videos where he was doing a commercial, and then he would fuck up the take, and they played all the outtakes.

02:08:53.000 When he would fuck up, he'd start squaring, you motherfucker!

02:08:55.000 You motherless cunt!

02:08:57.000 He would just get crazy.

02:08:58.000 It was awesome.

02:09:00.000 It's such a feel-good story at the end.

02:09:03.000 You don't expect it to go well.

02:09:05.000 It was actually a documentary where at the end you're like, oh, I fucking feel really good about myself.

02:09:14.000 It was, because the guy was a fucking horrible...

02:09:17.000 Functional bathroom.

02:09:19.000 Privacy.

02:09:19.000 I don't even know what the fuck I'm reading.

02:09:21.000 I wonder what the fuck the real dialogue is.

02:09:24.000 What the fuck is this thing?

02:09:26.000 All of the windshield, for fuck's sake.

02:09:28.000 Oh fuck.

02:09:29.000 What the fuck did I say?

02:09:30.000 That didn't sound for shit, did it?

02:09:32.000 Trying to give these guys everything they can get to me.

02:09:34.000 Sounds like a perfectionist.

02:09:37.000 He's just getting mad at himself.

02:09:39.000 We suppose we open...

02:09:42.000 Gotta do it again, right now.

02:09:47.000 I feel like those guys that were like, oh, we knew this when they were a garage band!

02:09:54.000 Looks like he's just trying to do a good time and he keeps fucking up.

02:09:57.000 Tony, do me a favor, will you please?

02:09:59.000 Will you?

02:10:00.000 Will you do me a kindness?

02:10:01.000 Please.

02:10:02.000 Yeah.

02:10:03.000 I think I'm gonna be walking in and out if you're gonna fuck up and I gotta come back.

02:10:06.000 I don't make any difference to me at this juncture.

02:10:09.000 Thank you very much.

02:10:10.000 I appreciate that, Tony.

02:10:11.000 Don't slam the fucking door!

02:10:15.000 No more!

02:10:20.000 So this guy got famous because of this video that went around back in the day when people just passed off tapes, dude.

02:10:28.000 Big, giant VHS tapes.

02:10:30.000 You gotta check this out.

02:10:31.000 I remember those very well.

02:10:33.000 There's a girl pooping on a dude.

02:10:34.000 Yeah, I had a friend from Austin who used to give me these fucking mixtapes that he would make.

02:10:39.000 I just got rid of them recently because I had already seen the images a hundred times, but his videos would be all the weirdest shit that he ever found, and he would splice them together.

02:10:48.000 It was like an art form for him.

02:10:49.000 I used to do that all the time.

02:10:51.000 If you Google search red band java lamps, I have a few of them like that.

02:10:56.000 It was right when the internet videos were becoming big, like the crazy shit, like a woman found inside of an alligator type shit.

02:11:03.000 And it was just spliced, and I put it with trippy music.

02:11:07.000 Wow.

02:11:08.000 Isn't it wild that that used to be?

02:11:10.000 The internet was just like a human internet.

02:11:12.000 You'd have to hand someone the videotape.

02:11:15.000 That's how it goes.

02:11:15.000 It could transfer.

02:11:17.000 That idea as a virus or as an organism could transfer all over the place from person to person and even be duplicated even though it gets really fucking grainy when it gets third and fourth generation.

02:11:28.000 But that's what you had to do.

02:11:29.000 That's how you got things out.

02:11:31.000 You saw Barnyard Betty, right?

02:11:33.000 Did you ever see Barnyard Betty when you were a kid?

02:11:35.000 No.

02:11:36.000 No?

02:11:36.000 Really?

02:11:37.000 I might have seen it, but I don't know.

02:11:38.000 It wasn't titled.

02:11:40.000 Captain Rowdy was the guy that turned me...

02:11:42.000 Like, when I was a young comic, there was a guy named Captain Rowdy.

02:11:45.000 I remember that guy's name.

02:11:47.000 Yeah, he was a...

02:11:48.000 Did he wear, like, leather jackets and shit on stage?

02:11:50.000 Leather chaps and mohawk.

02:11:52.000 There's a lot of dudes like that who had, like, a fucking whole thing.

02:11:55.000 And he had a huge following in the Southwest.

02:11:59.000 Not including California.

02:12:02.000 But Lubbock, Texas.

02:12:06.000 He'd take me on the road.

02:12:08.000 What does he like?

02:12:09.000 He would be in my death pool if he had a Wikipedia page.

02:12:15.000 He doesn't have a Wikipedia page?

02:12:16.000 He's going to die.

02:12:17.000 He calls me every couple months.

02:12:20.000 He's fucked.

02:12:21.000 It's a long story.

02:12:22.000 I want to do a documentary about all the 80s comics that thought they had it made.

02:12:27.000 LAUGHTER We were making five grand a week.

02:12:30.000 You didn't even have to have jokes.

02:12:32.000 But they banked their light, and you know some of the relics of that.

02:12:36.000 Do you ever see the documentary Beyond the Mat?

02:12:40.000 Beyond the Mat.

02:12:41.000 What is it about?

02:12:42.000 It's about wrestling.

02:12:43.000 And it has, like, Jake the Snake Roberts, and he's all fucking playing in some armory in Kearney, Nebraska, and smoking crack.

02:12:51.000 And then old guys that are still trying to do it, and their knees are falling apart, but they're still in it.

02:12:56.000 And then guys trying out for it.

02:12:59.000 So it's a whole balance of this whole wrestling scene, like new guy, old guy, how it fucks.

02:13:05.000 I would love to do a documentary like that about comedy.

02:13:09.000 The guys that thought they fucking had a ride.

02:13:14.000 There's a bunch of guys that...

02:13:15.000 Vic Dunlop was like a guy that when I thought of this idea, Captain Rowdy is such a fucking magnificent story.

02:13:24.000 But do you think those guys, I mean, some of them are still working, right?

02:13:27.000 So they're just out there just hustling.

02:13:28.000 But there's guys that made it too.

02:13:29.000 Like the guys, to get a perspective of the guy that is fucking dying and lost his legs to diabetes and just did coke down to where he's playing fucking Biloxi, Mississippi.

02:13:40.000 Mr. Saturday Night, you know, those guys.

02:13:43.000 Right, right, right.

02:13:44.000 It would just be a beautiful fucking documentary to watch.

02:13:47.000 It could be interesting.

02:13:49.000 They're just guys who just rode it till the wheels fell off.

02:13:52.000 And there's guys that are still doing triple gigs in their 60s, but they're happy with it.

02:13:57.000 Some are happy, yeah.

02:14:00.000 When I was living in Boston, there was a lot of guys who were older guys.

02:14:02.000 People won't accept when people are happy with things that they've built some kind of fake value system on.

02:14:10.000 Well, you're not there, so you can't be happy.

02:14:13.000 No, I'm actually fucking wicked happy living in a small town.

02:14:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:14:19.000 I didn't move there to fucking make it big, stupid.

02:14:25.000 Doug, do you remember when we first met, I came to- I forgot Brian's here and I'm like, who's talking?

02:14:30.000 I came to Ohio University and it was like I recorded you and it was- That's still on YouTube.

02:14:35.000 Yeah.

02:14:36.000 It was a- I walked like 600 people.

02:14:39.000 They fucking, they billed me as, I still, and it was that tour, if not that night, is the last time I can remember doing a show sober.

02:14:50.000 And I remember, like, Ed Helms was on the fucking bill.

02:14:53.000 Kirsten Flanagan.

02:14:54.000 Finnegan, yeah.

02:14:55.000 Finnegan, Finnegan, yeah.

02:14:56.000 Somehow, I fucking...

02:14:57.000 That was the last time you did a show sober?

02:14:59.000 Last I can remember.

02:15:01.000 It was parents...

02:15:03.000 I don't like doing shows sober.

02:15:04.000 I don't find myself amusing fucking sober.

02:15:07.000 It was parents' teacher weekend, though.

02:15:09.000 They billed it as, like, a family-friendly show.

02:15:11.000 Yeah, they put it...

02:15:12.000 It was parents' weekend.

02:15:13.000 Parents' weekend.

02:15:14.000 Family-friendly...

02:15:16.000 It's listed in the program.

02:15:17.000 And there's not a lot of fucking on-campus options for entertainment.

02:15:22.000 It's not a town.

02:15:23.000 It's a fucking campus with your parents.

02:15:25.000 And under fucking fun for all the family is the Comedy Central Presents tour with Doug and everyone else that they found fine.

02:15:35.000 Yeah.

02:15:36.000 And I'm like, your kid's going to get fucked here.

02:15:38.000 Yeah.

02:15:39.000 People in the video, people are yelling like, You get off stage!

02:15:43.000 If you like this, you're like some angry dad right beside where he's filming.

02:15:51.000 Are you finding this?

02:15:53.000 I know it's on YouTube.

02:15:54.000 How did you get out of here?

02:15:54.000 We're watching it right now, right here.

02:15:58.000 This is a whole set?

02:16:00.000 No, it's just pieces of your set, and then it goes to the part where the guys start yelling.

02:16:04.000 People are like, yeah, yeah.

02:16:05.000 Dude, this audio is way too bad.

02:16:13.000 Then the guy starts screaming out, though.

02:16:16.000 You can hear that.

02:16:16.000 Yeah, it's just like...

02:16:20.000 Yo.

02:16:25.000 He's talking about buttfucking.

02:16:26.000 Fred Norris would never have these kind of delays.

02:16:29.000 Just saying.

02:16:30.000 Yeah, he wouldn't.

02:16:31.000 Nope.

02:16:31.000 But that's the charm.

02:16:32.000 Part of the charm is the fact that there's fucking glitches in the Matrix.

02:16:36.000 Here it comes right here.

02:16:37.000 I barely can understand what you're saying, unfortunately.

02:16:46.000 I know.

02:16:47.000 I wish he could...

02:16:47.000 If he could cue it up, then the guy...

02:16:50.000 Here we go.

02:16:51.000 He's full of shit, and anyone crazy enough to listen to that motherfucker is full of shit.

02:17:02.000 That's what he's...

02:17:06.000 But the whole time there's just people standing up and just like filing out because this was like the first...

02:17:10.000 I think this was like the first weekend with like all the new students, you know, where they...

02:17:14.000 It was a third of the crowd in a theater.

02:17:16.000 Yeah.

02:17:17.000 It was so weird.

02:17:18.000 Wow.

02:17:19.000 That's an uncomfortable feeling.

02:17:21.000 Oh, yeah.

02:17:21.000 People always get angry.

02:17:23.000 But I miss uncomfortable feelings.

02:17:25.000 Do you?

02:17:26.000 Do you?

02:17:27.000 Yeah, we did those fucking music festivals knowing I was going to get fucking trashed.

02:17:32.000 What music festivals?

02:17:34.000 Leeds and Reading.

02:17:35.000 When did you do these?

02:17:36.000 Is it recent?

02:17:37.000 Two, three years ago.

02:17:39.000 Oh, what happened?

02:17:40.000 There's no way I'm going to fucking...

02:17:42.000 These are people that bought tickets for three days.

02:17:45.000 They didn't buy tickets to you or comedy.

02:17:48.000 There's a tent.

02:17:49.000 And I'm not a guy that's...

02:17:51.000 I'm not fucking Hedberg where I go, here's another joke.

02:17:55.000 I'm a guy that I'm like this.

02:17:58.000 I'm a fucking two hour podcast of me stuttering and looking for a cigarette.

02:18:03.000 Yeah.

02:18:04.000 And then yelling about something when it strikes me.

02:18:07.000 It's not going to work at a music festival.

02:18:08.000 They were fucking just audibly booing me just because I'm boring to them.

02:18:13.000 Well, you've so got your own crowd now, too.

02:18:15.000 I know, but it's...

02:18:16.000 They know what you're doing, and they want to see it, and a person who doesn't know you, it's like you don't even want to try to get them in there.

02:18:23.000 Like, you're not designed to work...

02:18:26.000 You know, like, when you're coming up, your act is sort of designed to work on as many people as possible?

02:18:30.000 You try to sort of maximize it.

02:18:32.000 Brian, what is that?

02:18:33.000 Now I'm defining them.

02:18:35.000 Actually, I'm turning down fans at this point.

02:18:37.000 But then, yeah...

02:18:38.000 It's a waiting list.

02:18:39.000 It's like Lambeau Field.

02:18:40.000 Yeah.

02:18:42.000 I can only have this many fans.

02:18:44.000 Sorry.

02:18:45.000 Stand on the porch like Fight Club for three days.

02:18:49.000 You must get a lot of weird motherfuckers to come visit you.

02:18:53.000 You're so De Niro-ing all the fucking time.

02:18:57.000 I don't know what's going on.

02:18:58.000 I'm still fucking high as shit.

02:19:00.000 Indeed.

02:19:01.000 When I first moved to LA, Doug was the first person that I was friends with, I think.

02:19:06.000 Well, you, obviously, Joe, but Doug would call me up and just be like, Hey, man, I'm bored.

02:19:11.000 You want to go make some videos?

02:19:12.000 We'd talk shit about you.

02:19:13.000 The only stuff you can say behind your back is you're very angry.

02:19:18.000 What?

02:19:19.000 I don't talk shit.

02:19:20.000 No.

02:19:21.000 No, I'm saying it's always fun to talk shit behind Joe's back.

02:19:24.000 Oh.

02:19:25.000 Well, we used to make these videos.

02:19:26.000 So I'm saying I probably talked a lot of shit about Joe to you.

02:19:30.000 Oh.

02:19:31.000 Well, we used to make these videos because he got mad at Verizon DSL because he had DSL at the time.

02:19:38.000 And so we were like, let's go to the thrift store.

02:19:41.000 So we'd go to the thrift store and we'd buy like terrorist outfits.

02:19:44.000 Oh, I remember that.

02:19:45.000 We made these videos.

02:19:47.000 The Verizon Wireless.

02:19:48.000 And I sent them to all the Verizon corporate office numbers.

02:19:51.000 It was like two days after that guy had been beheaded.

02:19:54.000 Brutal, brutal beheaded.

02:19:55.000 I was even afraid to put these up.

02:19:57.000 I remember being like, all right, you could get too much shit.

02:20:01.000 Yeah, dude, this is dangerous.

02:20:02.000 You got Arab writing.

02:20:04.000 What does that writing mean?

02:20:05.000 Yeah, no, but this was the day after everyone was like...

02:20:08.000 Oh, it's not really Arabic?

02:20:09.000 Praise be, daughter!

02:20:12.000 This message is for the infidels at Verizon DSL. This is embarrassing.

02:20:18.000 You told me my service would be turned on in three days.

02:20:21.000 It has been a week and a half.

02:20:23.000 And by the way, that's Doug on both sides.

02:20:24.000 I call your Billy people.

02:20:26.000 Your Billy people send me to your technical people.

02:20:28.000 He's dressed like a ninja.

02:20:30.000 And then they say, He's got a burka on for some reason.

02:20:33.000 You got a burka on, you're a man.

02:20:35.000 That was thrift store Muslim, baby.

02:20:37.000 Back before the Muslims wore tags off their burkas.

02:20:42.000 The time for words is over.

02:20:44.000 I will wait on hold no more.

02:20:46.000 Hey, why don't we just play the fucking man show?

02:20:49.000 Yeah, what are you doing, Brian?

02:20:50.000 Hit him in the head with a pan.

02:20:51.000 Go ahead.

02:20:52.000 The second video is where he hits me in the head.

02:20:54.000 Okay, let's not.

02:20:54.000 Let's stop.

02:20:55.000 Let's stop right here.

02:20:57.000 Let's stop the whole podcast.

02:20:59.000 I think we've done enough.

02:21:00.000 This podcast has been like fucking, what has it been, like two and a half hours long?

02:21:04.000 Two hours, 20 minutes.

02:21:05.000 Oh, shit.

02:21:07.000 So at some point, you're right.

02:21:10.000 What?

02:21:11.000 At some point, we're right.

02:21:12.000 Well, the first 20 minutes, I'm like, we've been here for like four hours.

02:21:15.000 No, no.

02:21:16.000 It's only six o'clock.

02:21:17.000 We're still good.

02:21:17.000 We're still good for the show.

02:21:19.000 Yeah.

02:21:19.000 I only have cocktails since the time.

02:21:21.000 You good?

02:21:22.000 You want to keep going?

02:21:22.000 I'll be good for the show.

02:21:23.000 You want to keep going?

02:21:24.000 Another like 15, 20 minutes?

02:21:25.000 Oh, I'll fucking talk.

02:21:27.000 As long as people will listen.

02:21:28.000 It's not like we're putting in work on the fucking job.

02:21:30.000 I know.

02:21:30.000 You want to dig another 20 minutes and then call it a night?

02:21:33.000 Yeah, you can turn it off at whatever point.

02:21:38.000 Yes, that's a good piece of advice.

02:21:40.000 You don't want to see me get hit in the head with a fucking...

02:21:42.000 No, I'm good, dude.

02:21:43.000 It goes on too long.

02:21:45.000 It's not like the fucking Brea Improv where they're paying for parking.

02:21:49.000 You're not fucking listening to a podcast.

02:21:52.000 You're taking a shit right now.

02:21:54.000 It goes a little too long.

02:21:55.000 Yeah.

02:21:55.000 If it goes too long, just make it fucking three parts.

02:21:59.000 You're the director, asshole.

02:22:01.000 It was one minute long.

02:22:02.000 Three part by hitting the pause button.

02:22:04.000 It was one minute long.

02:22:05.000 Yeah.

02:22:06.000 The whole video was one minute long.

02:22:07.000 You quit the cigarettes for a little bit, right?

02:22:09.000 Yeah, for a year.

02:22:11.000 Got fat, started smoking again, stayed fat.

02:22:14.000 Now I cough.

02:22:17.000 While I'm fat.

02:22:18.000 So you did it as sort of a dietary measure?

02:22:21.000 No, no.

02:22:22.000 I quit for a year, like 2008. And then went to Costa Rica.

02:22:29.000 And bucked 25 a pack at the bar.

02:22:34.000 And you can smoke everywhere.

02:22:36.000 You can smoke at bars.

02:22:37.000 And you just figured, fuck it, just for this vacation.

02:22:39.000 Been going out, yeah.

02:22:40.000 Just for this week.

02:22:43.000 So I've been trying to quit since 2008. Oh, wow.

02:22:48.000 That sucks.

02:22:50.000 That must feel weird, man.

02:22:51.000 That's gotta be a very weird thing, connected to something.

02:22:54.000 And it's not easy to escape, right?

02:22:57.000 The worst part is every time he smokes, I want to light one up immediately.

02:23:00.000 I just see it, and I'm like, alright, I gotta light one up.

02:23:02.000 I told you I quit coffee recently, but it's only been like eight days.

02:23:06.000 I can't even say I quit coffee.

02:23:07.000 I'm just seeing what it's like to just not drink coffee for a long time.

02:23:09.000 This is the third time this has happened.

02:23:12.000 But when you said fried clams in a conversation before, I just fixated on fried clams and I made my face make the motions like I'm listening, but I was thinking, and then you said something about fucking burritos.

02:23:27.000 You're hungry.

02:23:29.000 No, it's just the third time when you say coffee, I'm like, fucking Bailey's coffee.

02:23:33.000 And then I'm looking around and I distract myself.

02:23:36.000 So what you're saying is that I got a good voice for advertising.

02:23:39.000 Just every now and then you mention a fucking thing.

02:23:42.000 I'm just saying, when I look like I'm being fake, I am.

02:23:46.000 Because you're thinking about whatever delicious item.

02:23:49.000 I'm thinking like, why is Robert De Niro saying I should have a Bailey's coffee?

02:23:53.000 Oh, Douglas.

02:23:55.000 I never think Robert De Niro with you, Joe.

02:23:58.000 I think more of the Julio Galatius guy or whatever that guy is.

02:24:01.000 For all the girls I've loved before.

02:24:03.000 I have fucking high eyes where this is like...

02:24:09.000 I'm glad you came along.

02:24:10.000 I dedicate this song to all the girls I've loved before.

02:24:16.000 You need a mole.

02:24:17.000 At one point, I thought I was getting my elbow in the pool because the ashtray is right here.

02:24:22.000 And at one point, I'm like, and I pulled away like I was going to get my elbow.

02:24:25.000 Did you smoke all those cigarettes during the time we do this podcast?

02:24:28.000 How many is that?

02:24:28.000 Was that like ten?

02:24:29.000 He gave me a whole pack.

02:24:30.000 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

02:24:32.000 Nine cigarettes.

02:24:33.000 You're crazy.

02:24:35.000 It seems like so many more.

02:24:36.000 Goddamn chain smoker.

02:24:38.000 David Tell's two packs a day.

02:24:39.000 Yeah, David Tell's worse, times two.

02:24:41.000 But he goes to the doctor, so he knows he has emphysema.

02:24:45.000 I don't know nothing.

02:24:47.000 I don't know anything.

02:24:48.000 How many you swung in a day?

02:24:50.000 Not as many.

02:24:52.000 A pack?

02:24:53.000 Yeah, a pack, probably.

02:24:56.000 There's nothing that replaces that, huh?

02:24:58.000 You ever try cigars?

02:24:59.000 I could quit.

02:25:00.000 I just fucking have to take time.

02:25:02.000 I've quit before.

02:25:03.000 Cigars would make you a classy douchebag.

02:25:06.000 Unless you're Ron White.

02:25:08.000 Like, Ron White has this whole circular exemption from everything.

02:25:14.000 I completely agree.

02:25:16.000 Every picture, he has a drink in his hands.

02:25:18.000 Ralphie May is hid under a cloud of that.

02:25:19.000 You don't know why Ralphie May got the amnesty, but Ron White earned it, and he has this whole...

02:25:25.000 Ralphie May is a lovable guy.

02:25:27.000 Right.

02:25:28.000 Yeah.

02:25:28.000 But Ron White with his cigar.

02:25:30.000 Ron White has earned the whole...

02:25:32.000 Yep, 100%.

02:25:33.000 Did I tell you what...

02:25:35.000 He's buying jokes from...

02:25:36.000 He has a lot of writers.

02:25:38.000 And Andy, he has bought a couple of Andy Andrus bits.

02:25:44.000 Really?

02:25:44.000 And when I saw him in Austin, I go, yeah, you're buying...

02:25:47.000 Like, my buddy, you get a couple of his bits.

02:25:50.000 And he said, without any shame whatsoever, Ron White says, yeah, we buy a lot of really funny bits.

02:25:56.000 From really funny comics.

02:25:58.000 And then what we do is take the teeth out of them so they're not funny anymore.

02:26:04.000 And then my audience applauds.

02:26:08.000 He's just like, yeah, I'm fucking buying material.

02:26:11.000 I'm fucking selling fucking snake oil to fucking suckers because I know this ain't going to last.

02:26:18.000 So he waters his act down?

02:26:20.000 Is that what he's doing?

02:26:21.000 He's just backing off?

02:26:22.000 He plays to that audience.

02:26:26.000 He'll tow his fucking Rolls Royce off the back of his tour bus.

02:26:30.000 He's like...

02:26:32.000 A vanilla ice in, like, jokingly.

02:26:38.000 He's, like, flashing all this because he knows it's pointless.

02:26:42.000 Oh, so you mean, like, vanilla ice, like, flashy, like, you know, like, drives, rolls, rolls.

02:26:46.000 Like, rappers.

02:26:48.000 Like, I'm sorry, this is the second time in fucking three days where I try to find a fucking rapper.

02:26:53.000 Rapper.

02:26:53.000 Rap reference.

02:26:54.000 And I came up with LL Cool J. Let's go with Birdman because he's known for his love of automobiles and he's very wealthy.

02:27:01.000 How about Birdman?

02:27:02.000 Can we go with Birdman?

02:27:03.000 Okay.

02:27:04.000 It's a rap.

02:27:04.000 You fucking listen to that fucking garbage.

02:27:08.000 Well, what I was listening to was...

02:27:09.000 That's why reality TV works because everyone wants to think they could do it too.

02:27:13.000 And that's why rap music works because, yeah, you could do it too.

02:27:15.000 I like some rappers, man.

02:27:17.000 I like Nas.

02:27:18.000 Do you know who Nas is?

02:27:19.000 No.

02:27:20.000 Really like that guy.

02:27:21.000 I love old Busy Smalls.

02:27:23.000 I think he was in a playoff.

02:27:25.000 I can listen to Notorious B.I.G. all day.

02:27:28.000 I love that old shit.

02:27:30.000 That old boy.

02:27:31.000 I love his rap style.

02:27:33.000 I think this is rhythmic.

02:27:34.000 It's fun.

02:27:35.000 It's fun for me.

02:27:36.000 Yeah.

02:27:38.000 But you don't like music.

02:27:39.000 I understand.

02:27:40.000 I understand.

02:27:40.000 But you don't like music.

02:27:42.000 But I can look at fucking Zeppelin on the wall and go, I'm fascinated that someone could learn to do that.

02:27:48.000 Not someone sat on a fucking bus with a notebook.

02:27:51.000 Yeah, but I don't know.

02:27:53.000 Bitching about their fucking shit and made it rhyme.

02:27:55.000 For almost everybody except Notorious B.I.G. He didn't just make shit rhyme.

02:27:59.000 He made shit rhyme with a flow and a rhythm to it that was fun.

02:28:05.000 It was fun to listen to.

02:28:08.000 That guy's an artist.

02:28:09.000 He was a fucking artist.

02:28:10.000 And what he did was very difficult to do.

02:28:12.000 It's very difficult to duplicate.

02:28:13.000 There's a bunch of guys that are rap artists.

02:28:16.000 Listen, I am fucking preaching from the most uneducated...

02:28:20.000 I'm just saying things with confidence.

02:28:22.000 I know nothing about music.

02:28:24.000 It doesn't interest me.

02:28:25.000 I'm like the last guy, and that's why I always say I hate music, is because I'm such a comedy snob.

02:28:32.000 That I know if someone said, oh, who do you like, Jeff Dunham and Peanut?

02:28:36.000 And I immediately hate you because you said that.

02:28:40.000 Like, I have a bias against you, and I know that I'm that much of a pedestrian when it comes to music.

02:28:46.000 So if I go, yeah, I fucking love The Counting Crows.

02:28:50.000 Like, now I have to fucking...

02:28:51.000 There's no apology, which is an apology when you say, I'm not even apologizing for liking...

02:28:57.000 Matchbox 20. Like, whatever.

02:28:59.000 What is the...

02:28:59.000 I mean, for most people, music is sort of a source of pleasure.

02:29:03.000 It's fun to listen to.

02:29:04.000 It's motivating.

02:29:05.000 What is it about it that you think interferes with the noise in your head?

02:29:09.000 I always...

02:29:11.000 I found it summed up succinctly in a book that I will now misquote and ruin.

02:29:18.000 But the fucking guy...

02:29:21.000 The drunkard guy.

02:29:23.000 He was a drunkard in England.

02:29:25.000 I always want to say Alistair, but it's not Alistair.

02:29:29.000 McAllister fucking...

02:29:30.000 I can't remember his name.

02:29:32.000 He summed up how pop music ruined the pub culture in England.

02:29:36.000 Because when they introduced the jukebox, that played over the conversation that you were there to have.

02:29:43.000 You go to the fucking bar to talk.

02:29:45.000 And now someone introduced music where either you want to listen to the music or you want to have the conversation.

02:29:52.000 And that's why I've always hated music.

02:29:54.000 It's something that I want to enjoy if I'm really high.

02:29:58.000 I have 400 songs from my life that I can remember that I like.

02:30:04.000 They're on an iPod.

02:30:05.000 If I need music, I go to it like people go to comedy clubs once a year.

02:30:11.000 I hear you.

02:30:17.000 Did you used to like music?

02:30:20.000 No, I've liked enough music.

02:30:22.000 It's a part-time thing to me.

02:30:24.000 Like most people, comedy is a part-time thing to us.

02:30:27.000 That's life.

02:30:28.000 Fucking listening and words and I fucking love music.

02:30:32.000 I get inspired by it.

02:30:34.000 I love when I'm working out.

02:30:35.000 I love listening to it.

02:30:36.000 I love listening to it when I'm driving.

02:30:37.000 I love listening to it sometimes when I'm just thinking about shit.

02:30:40.000 It encapsulates a mood for me.

02:30:42.000 I just appreciate the art.

02:30:43.000 I don't know how to do it.

02:30:44.000 I don't know anything about music.

02:30:46.000 I can't sing.

02:30:46.000 I don't know how to play a fucking single instrument.

02:30:48.000 So my interest of it is purely as just a fan.

02:30:53.000 Believe me, I wish my fucking likes were more normal.

02:30:57.000 A lot of people want to be fucking weird and out there.

02:31:00.000 I wish people liked the fucking my iPod.

02:31:04.000 I wish I could play three songs on my iPod without someone saying, what the fuck is this that's the theme to Welcome Back Cotter?

02:31:12.000 That's why it's on my fucking iPod.

02:31:14.000 It makes me happy.

02:31:15.000 My iPod's that, too.

02:31:16.000 Yeah, I've got some stupid shit on my iPod, too.

02:31:20.000 The Greatest American Hero.

02:31:21.000 Bye!

02:31:24.000 I'm walking on air.

02:31:26.000 Wow.

02:31:27.000 Imagine trying to put that show on today.

02:31:29.000 They'll be like, what the fuck is going on?

02:31:31.000 That dude with an afro.

02:31:32.000 That skinny dude with an afro is just beating everybody's ass.

02:31:35.000 Actually, that would work.

02:31:36.000 That would work, actually.

02:31:37.000 Did he ever beat anybody up on that show?

02:31:38.000 Of course he did.

02:31:39.000 Where'd he get his power from?

02:31:40.000 Greatest American Hero.

02:31:41.000 Where'd he get his power from?

02:31:43.000 I don't remember.

02:31:44.000 I just remember him running into walls a lot.

02:31:45.000 Fucking glory holes.

02:31:49.000 A skinny 80s fucking blonde guy in tights.

02:31:53.000 He was my first celebrity sighting when I moved to Los Angeles.

02:31:56.000 Really?

02:31:56.000 Yeah.

02:31:56.000 At a glory hole?

02:31:57.000 No.

02:31:58.000 It was at a Starbucks.

02:32:00.000 Basically the same thing.

02:32:01.000 I used to sell coke to him through a glory hole.

02:32:05.000 Greatest American hero used to come in there every day.

02:32:08.000 The greatest American hero, he used to suck my dick.

02:32:11.000 Who are they going to believe?

02:32:14.000 Greatest American hero or Joey Diaz?

02:32:17.000 Come on, dog.

02:32:18.000 Who do you think you're dealing with?

02:32:20.000 That's just a fun dude.

02:32:22.000 And you hit another one, man.

02:32:23.000 You're just a chain-smoking motherfucker.

02:32:25.000 I know.

02:32:25.000 In my fucking head, this is...

02:32:29.000 Nighttime radio.

02:32:30.000 It's cool that we can smoke in here.

02:32:33.000 I mean, I don't smoke, but I like the fact that you can smoke in here.

02:32:36.000 There's not a radio station in the world where you can actually smoke in a studio.

02:32:40.000 That's done, man.

02:32:41.000 Those are businesses, man.

02:32:42.000 Those are not places of art.

02:32:44.000 Every time you go, do you have friends that do radio like Dale Dudley?

02:32:48.000 I did Tucson radio.

02:32:50.000 I've lived in Arizona for six and a half years, never done Tucson radio somehow.

02:32:55.000 They're like...

02:32:57.000 Tucson's against entertainment in some way.

02:33:00.000 They're the shittiest fucking comedy club in the world that still exists since 1980. How far is Tucson from you?

02:33:06.000 90 minutes is where I fly out of.

02:33:09.000 But it's 90 minutes with no fucking traffic lights.

02:33:12.000 It's just desert.

02:33:13.000 Right.

02:33:14.000 And a border check.

02:33:15.000 Jesus Christ.

02:33:16.000 Border Patrol has a 50 mile radius.

02:33:18.000 How did this fucking town...

02:33:20.000 You're like only a couple miles from Mexico.

02:33:22.000 How'd this town evolve?

02:33:24.000 Because it's like a little...

02:33:25.000 But it's sort of an art town.

02:33:27.000 Yeah, well, the copper mine went bust in the 70s, so all the property values dropped.

02:33:32.000 And all the fucking hippies swarmed in.

02:33:35.000 Really?

02:33:36.000 Yeah, they occupied Bisbee.

02:33:38.000 Because they were selling property.

02:33:40.000 There's no work.

02:33:41.000 How do they figure out how to get all together, though?

02:33:43.000 That always freaks me out.

02:33:44.000 Like, how do gay neighborhoods start?

02:33:46.000 How do people, like, everybody say, listen, there's fucking two of us.

02:33:50.000 We're living in this one building.

02:33:52.000 The building next door's got vacancy.

02:33:53.000 Yeah, same way Burning Man started.

02:33:56.000 Right.

02:33:57.000 Yeah.

02:33:57.000 Hey, this is cool.

02:33:59.000 You stopped doing your yearly thing, didn't you?

02:34:01.000 Yeah, because too many people showed up.

02:34:02.000 I didn't know.

02:34:03.000 We had a fucking Death Valley party that we'd do every year.

02:34:07.000 Just like all the people you meet on the road.

02:34:10.000 Every year in Atlanta.

02:34:11.000 And you know two people there.

02:34:13.000 They're fucking great.

02:34:14.000 But they're not your friends.

02:34:16.000 So the whole idea was to bring all those people into Death Valley with no fucking cell phone reception or TVs.

02:34:23.000 It was this little motel...

02:34:26.000 And we did that until I get to a point where seven years in, well, people that brought people last time brought people and these people.

02:34:37.000 So none of your friends are there and all their friends.

02:34:39.000 So it's like after a show and you're just like shaking.

02:34:42.000 And it could be cops.

02:34:43.000 And the cops were around, yeah.

02:34:47.000 The fucking house would tilt us to when there was some plainclothes.

02:34:51.000 Yeah, I would imagine that you and your crowd would be a perfect target.

02:34:55.000 There's like seven cops in Death Valley, so the one guy comes in a polo shirt and they're like, he's a cop.

02:35:02.000 We're the only ones that don't know.

02:35:04.000 We're tourists.

02:35:05.000 That's hilarious.

02:35:06.000 You wear a polo shirt.

02:35:07.000 Sir, can I have permission to wear a shirt with no collar?

02:35:10.000 Permission denied!

02:35:12.000 Officer, you don't have to.

02:35:14.000 You're a bad undercover officer if you need a t-shirt to convince a fucking perp.

02:35:20.000 Come on, boy.

02:35:21.000 Get out there.

02:35:22.000 Put them in pink underwear.

02:35:26.000 There's your boy, right?

02:35:27.000 Sheriff Arpaio?

02:35:28.000 He's the guy in Arizona.

02:35:30.000 He's an amazing guy.

02:35:31.000 He's on my...

02:35:32.000 Death list?

02:35:33.000 Yeah.

02:35:34.000 Nice.

02:35:35.000 I had to pick one comic, so I went with Ralphie Mae.

02:35:38.000 I knew I was going to be a fat black guy.

02:35:42.000 Went with Ralphie Mae.

02:35:44.000 He had a pulmonary...

02:35:45.000 Listen how close I've been on my death pool.

02:35:46.000 Ralphie Mae's not a black comedian anymore.

02:35:48.000 Really?

02:35:49.000 Southern?

02:35:50.000 It's more and more Southern.

02:35:51.000 Is he doing Fargo now?

02:35:55.000 He just switched it up a little bit.

02:35:59.000 Ralphie's just getting out of the hospital.

02:36:01.000 Yeah, he had a pulmonary embolism, and there's part of me going, he's so many points on my death pool.

02:36:08.000 Oh, I'm doing good.

02:36:09.000 And I'm like, oh, it's my friend.

02:36:10.000 But if he lives or dies, it's not my control.

02:36:15.000 I had to pick one comic, and I had a...

02:36:17.000 Who did you just mention that was on my death pool?

02:36:20.000 Oh, Joe Arpaio.

02:36:21.000 That's my wish list.

02:36:23.000 So I had one pick that was a wish list, which was...

02:36:26.000 Nancy Grace, Nancy Grace, now Joe Arpaio.

02:36:32.000 All these weird border guys, man.

02:36:35.000 That's a weird way to live.

02:36:37.000 When you're living as the law enforcement in a place that's known to have people sneaking in from a third world country, that's where things get crafty.

02:36:46.000 Things get real tricky when you're dealing with that sort of a situation.

02:36:49.000 You got a bunch of people sneaking into your state all the time.

02:36:52.000 I mean, it's probably a reason why he's more fucked up than anybody else.

02:36:57.000 But he's in Phoenix.

02:36:58.000 No, he's a fucking egomaniac.

02:37:00.000 Oh, he's nuts, for sure.

02:37:01.000 But I mean, that attitude is acceptable somehow or another, more down there.

02:37:06.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:37:07.000 Like, right next to the chaos.

02:37:09.000 But it's easy to make an us-and-them situation out of that.

02:37:12.000 Sure.

02:37:13.000 But people really want to stop that nonsense.

02:37:14.000 I mean, they want to stop Mexico from coming into Arizona.

02:37:17.000 And one of the reasons why Arizona is so, like, Republican and so, you know, so right-wing is because they're right next to fucking Mexico.

02:37:23.000 You know, I think that's the same way Texas is, you know, and the same way Southern California, San Diego is really conservative, too.

02:37:30.000 You actually, on a much smaller level, they fucking hate Canadians at the border, too.

02:37:38.000 Do they really?

02:37:38.000 Because they don't tip.

02:37:40.000 Oh.

02:37:40.000 It's one of the fucking...

02:37:41.000 Like, tipping is one of the most important things.

02:37:44.000 Yeah.

02:37:45.000 You know, I fucking work the UK all the time, and they're assholes.

02:37:48.000 Yeah.

02:37:49.000 You fucking...

02:37:50.000 Can I get ketchup?

02:37:51.000 Like, normally this comes with ketchup where I'm from, and I don't want to put you out, but can you get...

02:37:56.000 And they're fucking cunts, because they...

02:37:59.000 Because they don't work for tips?

02:38:00.000 Yeah.

02:38:01.000 Working for tips is big.

02:38:02.000 It's a good system.

02:38:03.000 It's good.

02:38:03.000 And it's good to be real generous.

02:38:05.000 Tommy Lee Jones.

02:38:06.000 You just started getting some Tommy Lee Jones with the new lighting.

02:38:10.000 Really?

02:38:10.000 That's my new look?

02:38:12.000 Tommy Lee Jones.

02:38:13.000 Well, at least you're going with good people, you know?

02:38:16.000 No, the horrible old Tommy Lee Jones.

02:38:20.000 Oh, the old Tommy Lee Jones.

02:38:21.000 That's sad.

02:38:22.000 You made me sad, bro.

02:38:23.000 You ended this podcast on a downer note.

02:38:26.000 Are we done?

02:38:26.000 No, we're not done.

02:38:28.000 I gotta pee, so I'm trying to think of when to end this.

02:38:32.000 Just go pee.

02:38:33.000 Who's on your show tonight?

02:38:35.000 Christine Levine.

02:38:36.000 Christine Levine.

02:38:37.000 Wicked funny.

02:38:38.000 Yeah?

02:38:38.000 Cool.

02:38:38.000 Yeah.

02:38:39.000 Should be the new Roseanne, but no one will notice.

02:38:42.000 Really?

02:38:43.000 Awesome.

02:38:44.000 Wicked funny.

02:38:45.000 Talk to Brian for a minute.

02:38:46.000 I'm going to pee, and then we'll wrap this bitch up.

02:38:48.000 Let's talk behind his back.

02:38:50.000 Let's do it like how we used to do it, right, Doug?

02:38:52.000 He really doesn't like women, though.

02:38:54.000 I know he hates when you say you hate women.

02:38:59.000 That's what it used to be, right?

02:39:00.000 Like, he was really concerned about, like, people were like, you're a woman hater, and it drove him crazy, like, when people said that to him or something like that.

02:39:07.000 Remember that?

02:39:08.000 Yeah, yeah, no, he was, uh, I don't know if he still is like that, but, yeah.

02:39:12.000 He's so mellow now.

02:39:13.000 I've seen him fucking just dress down a chick for no reason.

02:39:17.000 She's some dumb chick, but that's what comics thrive on, stupid.

02:39:22.000 We're not you.

02:39:23.000 We need a dumb chick.

02:39:25.000 Stop yelling at her for being dumb.

02:39:27.000 She's here because she's dumb.

02:39:31.000 My favorite part, though, earlier was when you called Joey Diaz on that change jar, and he was like, what's a change jar?

02:39:37.000 And I'm thinking, how do you not know what a change jar is?

02:39:40.000 I swear it was Joey Diaz.

02:39:42.000 He fucking stole my change jar, because everyone would come in and out, but only Joey was denying that he was doing drugs.

02:39:48.000 So anytime someone's denying what they're known for, defensively, yeah.

02:39:55.000 When's your next break?

02:39:56.000 No one ever stole from you going, I'm coked out of my brain and then just stole your shit.

02:40:01.000 Right.

02:40:01.000 No, I'm trying to work it out.

02:40:04.000 I'm trying to work it out and I'll get a...

02:40:07.000 Just borrow your VCR. My girlfriend really is addicted to flash dance.

02:40:13.000 I can't believe they remade that movie.

02:40:15.000 Now, are you taking a break soon?

02:40:17.000 Because I know you do stand-up for like six months that you're on the road or something like that and then you take breaks or...

02:40:22.000 Yeah, I always say I'm quitting.

02:40:25.000 I don't know.

02:40:26.000 Who knows?

02:40:28.000 I have UK dates booked.

02:40:29.000 After that, I'm not booking shit.

02:40:31.000 You got in trouble last time you were overseas, right?

02:40:33.000 Like, I remember seeing there was some, like you said, something...

02:40:37.000 There's always something.

02:40:37.000 It's so easy to fucking stir up fake fucking...

02:40:40.000 The newspapers are so bored.

02:40:42.000 They have, like, 19 newspapers on an island.

02:40:46.000 Right.

02:40:48.000 Didn't some guy get in trouble, though?

02:40:49.000 Or, like, some DJ? Oh, a DJ. It was censored or something because he just mentioned a YouTube clip of mine...

02:40:58.000 That's ridiculous.

02:40:59.000 Yeah.

02:41:00.000 What happened?

02:41:00.000 I was doing the BBC and some fucking poor bastard afternoon, like BBC snotty radio.

02:41:07.000 They treat their radio like fucking Winston Churchill still fucking talking on it.

02:41:11.000 And this guy is like, I did a perfectly straight interview.

02:41:15.000 Yeah, we're performing here for however long and blah, blah, blah.

02:41:20.000 And he goes, but you're very controversial.

02:41:23.000 And I go, yeah, there's none of that I can do.

02:41:26.000 So he just mentions, if you don't believe, it's not for everybody.

02:41:30.000 If you don't believe it, see his YouTube clip about Sarah Palin and you'll know not to.

02:41:37.000 So people actually went there.

02:41:40.000 It's just a dumb retard baby.

02:41:43.000 It's a really funny bit.

02:41:46.000 How's it go?

02:41:47.000 I don't know.

02:41:47.000 It's fucking railing on Sarah Palin having a retard baby and how she didn't use it in the debates.

02:41:53.000 I don't know.

02:41:54.000 I went back because the fucking guy was almost fired from BBC from mentioning that YouTube clip.

02:42:03.000 He was being insensitive to fucking retards or whatever they call them over there.

02:42:07.000 Wasn't your bit something like she had...

02:42:10.000 What was it?

02:42:11.000 She had two sons and they were both retarded?

02:42:16.000 How did it go?

02:42:17.000 Yeah.

02:42:18.000 One had Down syndrome and the other was elected to go to Iraq or something like that.

02:42:27.000 I never watched a fucking clip until it came up when he said it.

02:42:31.000 And I watched a clip and I go, fuck, that was a funny bit.

02:42:34.000 I used to put so much more effort into comedy.

02:42:39.000 When you write, do you just think of ideas and remember them?

02:42:42.000 Or do you take notes at all?

02:42:45.000 Because you're constantly coming up with new shit.

02:42:47.000 I am on my hand.

02:42:48.000 My fucking attention span and my memory is such shit now.

02:42:53.000 You write them on your hand?

02:42:54.000 I'll write it on my hand until I get to a notebook.

02:42:57.000 Because I don't carry a fucking notebook.

02:43:00.000 If you have one of those droid phones, you can actually talk to it.

02:43:03.000 I knew you were going to do this.

02:43:04.000 You can talk to it.

02:43:05.000 And then your bits will be in Google's offices.

02:43:07.000 I'm in first class.

02:43:09.000 Skynet.

02:43:09.000 I'm in first class and I pull out my old fucking dog-eared notebook to take notes and I go to the first class.

02:43:17.000 Does anyone have a pen?

02:43:19.000 I have a pen.

02:43:20.000 I wanted to work on my set on the way here.

02:43:24.000 No one had a pen.

02:43:26.000 Everyone had a fucking...

02:43:28.000 I'll text you it, bro.

02:43:29.000 Yeah, no, I'll just type it in here.

02:43:30.000 Yeah, there's not a lot of drawing anymore.

02:43:31.000 I wonder what the fuck's going to happen to cursive.

02:43:33.000 Is that going to go?

02:43:34.000 I could not write in cursive right now.

02:43:37.000 Yeah, it's going to go.

02:43:38.000 Writing itself, when I have to write anything, when I have to send something and fill out an actual piece of paper, I'm like, wow, this is an alien thing.

02:43:45.000 Making little marks.

02:43:46.000 I hope you recognize my marks.

02:43:48.000 My fucking accountant, Harvey Altman, mentioned him fucking seven hours ago.

02:43:53.000 Yeah, can you just take that out of my account or something?

02:43:57.000 You're my accountant.

02:43:58.000 Why do I have to write a check?

02:43:59.000 He's one of the fucking guys I have to sit and write a check to, which is so foreign.

02:44:04.000 He doesn't want the ability to just take money out of your account.

02:44:06.000 He might go wacky.

02:44:08.000 That's why you need bitcoins, bro.

02:44:10.000 You gotta be careful, bro.

02:44:10.000 Bitcoins, bro.

02:44:11.000 That's the internet currency, right?

02:44:12.000 Well, that leads us to our next episode about Fear Factor 2. That's right.

02:44:17.000 Coming up on bankruptcy.

02:44:20.000 What do you think about this whole Bitcoin thing?

02:44:22.000 What is the concept of it?

02:44:26.000 It's a monetary form of currency.

02:44:29.000 It's on the internet, right?

02:44:31.000 And people agree to it.

02:44:32.000 How does it work?

02:44:32.000 What's it backed by?

02:44:33.000 I have no idea.

02:44:34.000 I don't care.

02:44:34.000 It's stupid.

02:44:35.000 How far is Brad?

02:44:36.000 Yeah, but it's kind of interesting.

02:44:37.000 Not far.

02:44:38.000 Not even an hour.

02:44:40.000 It's interesting because...

02:44:41.000 Not even an hour?

02:44:42.000 Yeah, no.

02:44:43.000 Yeah, it's pretty close.

02:44:46.000 Because the bitcoins is like the first attempt I've ever heard of anybody coming up with some sort of currency.

02:44:51.000 Even if it's like really minor league.

02:44:53.000 Remember what Napster was like when it first came out?

02:44:56.000 That was pretty minor league.

02:44:57.000 And look what Napster became all these years later.

02:45:00.000 You're getting songs instantly on your phone.

02:45:02.000 That Shazam thing.

02:45:03.000 Where it's hooked up.

02:45:04.000 It tells you what the song is.

02:45:06.000 You play it.

02:45:06.000 You press Shazam.

02:45:07.000 There's music playing.

02:45:08.000 You press Shazam.

02:45:09.000 It records the song real quick for like 15 seconds.

02:45:12.000 Sends it somewhere.

02:45:13.000 It sends it back to you.

02:45:14.000 Tells you what the song is.

02:45:15.000 Then gives you an option to buy it!

02:45:17.000 It's all right there on your fucking phone.

02:45:19.000 I mean, that's insane.

02:45:20.000 I mean, there's never been anything even remotely like that before.

02:45:24.000 You know?

02:45:26.000 Yeah, I can text.

02:45:29.000 Yeah.

02:45:31.000 He's like Joey Diaz from two years ago.

02:45:34.000 But I'm not angry about it.

02:45:37.000 Once you find yourself railing against what's new is when you're old.

02:45:41.000 That's when you're your fucking grandparents.

02:45:44.000 I don't need it.

02:45:48.000 If I have a need to do all that thing with a fucking cell phone, I don't...

02:45:53.000 I have no...

02:45:54.000 My life is really easy.

02:45:57.000 I've had a really good life, and I have no problems.

02:46:01.000 I don't need to fucking...

02:46:02.000 I live in a place I don't need to map quest anything.

02:46:05.000 It's over there.

02:46:07.000 I almost wish I wanted more.

02:46:13.000 Really?

02:46:14.000 That's interesting.

02:46:14.000 So what do you get your kicks out of?

02:46:16.000 That was kind of the whole point of the DMT trip, which is unexplainable with you.

02:46:20.000 It was about desire and desire.

02:46:23.000 It's almost an anti-Buddhist thing, but...

02:46:27.000 Yeah, I wish I wanted more.

02:46:33.000 Fucking Louis C.K. said, oh yeah, I think he's something I read about myself after the...

02:46:39.000 Louis C.K. That was awesome, by the way, Doug.

02:46:41.000 That was really weird to watch because I know you, but it was awesome.

02:46:44.000 I thought you did amazing in it.

02:46:46.000 All right.

02:46:46.000 My favorite episode.

02:46:48.000 I almost felt like I paused to shill for applause and they gave it to me.

02:46:54.000 No, fuck, now I don't remember my point.

02:46:57.000 You're Louis C.K.? We're talking about having joy, taking joy.

02:47:01.000 You wish you had more joy in what you do.

02:47:04.000 Yeah, no.

02:47:06.000 I lost the point.

02:47:08.000 Completely.

02:47:09.000 What do you get your kick out of?

02:47:10.000 Do you get your kick out of performing?

02:47:12.000 Do you get your kick out of killing still?

02:47:13.000 Do you still enjoy a fun set?

02:47:15.000 No.

02:47:16.000 No?

02:47:16.000 Wow.

02:47:17.000 No, I'm always relieved that I didn't have a shitty set at best.

02:47:22.000 Is this psychological?

02:47:24.000 I don't know.

02:47:25.000 Everything's psychological.

02:47:27.000 Right, but I'm saying, is this something that's changed in life, just the way you view things?

02:47:30.000 Yeah, but I can't pinpoint it, because I'm a logical person.

02:47:33.000 I don't have to go to a fucking guy to talk.

02:47:37.000 I try to find...

02:47:39.000 That's why I'm not listening to your boring fucking bar conversation, because in my head, yeah, I'm boiling something down to a point.

02:47:47.000 Right.

02:47:47.000 In your head, you're working in the background.

02:47:49.000 I can't find where I became kind of miserable.

02:47:52.000 I know it was somewhere around the breakup with my wife, but not connected.

02:47:57.000 I was kind of in a manic phase anyway.

02:48:01.000 Well, it also could be the fact that you're drinking a lot of alcohol on a regular basis.

02:48:05.000 And that just really is going to depress you to a certain extent.

02:48:08.000 It's not eliminated from the fucking list of suspects.

02:48:12.000 I'm really kind of tweaking about this coffee thing.

02:48:15.000 It's very shocking to me how much different I feel from not doing coffee for eight days.

02:48:19.000 You know, I really didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal.

02:48:22.000 But the big deal is that I'm not tired anymore.

02:48:25.000 I used to get tired in the day.

02:48:27.000 Like somewhere in the day, I'd get tired.

02:48:28.000 You know, late afternoon or something, and then I'd just have to...

02:48:31.000 Force myself to go to the gym so I'd have another cup of coffee and then I'd fire up and I'd go work out.

02:48:35.000 But I was tired when I got there.

02:48:36.000 I'm not tired anymore.

02:48:38.000 Like, the whole day, it's like I'm even.

02:48:40.000 And I was like, oh, this is what you're supposed to be like.

02:48:42.000 You're supposed to be even.

02:48:44.000 You're not supposed to be just fucking spiking every, you know, fucking hour and a half with some dark liquid that fires up your fucking adrenal glands.

02:48:53.000 Like, what is that?

02:48:54.000 Bray, I'm about to phone it in!

02:48:56.000 Come on, baby!

02:48:57.000 You're not phoning it in.

02:48:58.000 Doug, I love...

02:48:59.000 I'm gonna get you on fucking kale shakes and squats.

02:49:01.000 There's no phoning it in at this point.

02:49:02.000 I love bingo to death, but do you think maybe it's something to do with relationship-wise?

02:49:06.000 Because you say you don't have sex anymore.

02:49:08.000 I mean, do you need to date a porn star?

02:49:10.000 What is this, the Dr. Drew show?

02:49:11.000 What the fuck's going on here?

02:49:12.000 What's this, love line here, Brian?

02:49:14.000 This has been since I've been a fucking adult in any relationship.

02:49:18.000 The more you like them as a person, the less I want to fuck them.

02:49:24.000 Yeah, but do you think that's maybe your overall full entire?

02:49:26.000 I like how Joey Diaz said it.

02:49:27.000 I'm slinging good dick.

02:49:28.000 I'm slinging good dick.

02:49:30.000 I don't know, man.

02:49:32.000 I think you might be hanging out.

02:49:33.000 If you say it with confidence, it doesn't mean you're selling it.

02:49:35.000 Maybe you're hanging out with the wrong crowd.

02:49:37.000 Maybe you're not hanging out with a positive crowd.

02:49:38.000 You need to move to L.A. You might not have to move back here.

02:49:41.000 You need to start a podcast here.

02:49:42.000 I miss comics so fucking bad.

02:49:43.000 Come back.

02:49:44.000 Come hang with us.

02:49:45.000 You can live here.

02:49:46.000 You can live here.

02:49:47.000 We'd be here all the time.

02:49:48.000 Listen, all you have to do is come back here and we could do this.

02:49:50.000 We could fuck around like this all the time.

02:49:52.000 And we do shows that 85 foot...

02:49:54.000 No, you don't.

02:49:55.000 You don't have to live here.

02:49:56.000 You can live in fucking Crestline, man.

02:49:57.000 You can live in the goddamn mountains.

02:49:59.000 You can live in Pasadena.

02:49:59.000 There's a town, Crestline, in the mountains.

02:50:02.000 Lake Arrowhead, up in the mountains.

02:50:03.000 You don't have to live here.

02:50:05.000 You could live.

02:50:05.000 There's a lot of spots outside.

02:50:07.000 I like small town.

02:50:10.000 You can find small towns in California.

02:50:11.000 I like knowing everyone's name at Safeway.

02:50:14.000 I hear you.

02:50:14.000 You love it, then that's good.

02:50:16.000 But you could also have dual residency.

02:50:19.000 You shouldn't go that small.

02:50:20.000 You can go dual residency, bro.

02:50:21.000 Do you have a dog?

02:50:23.000 Two.

02:50:24.000 Bring him.

02:50:25.000 Fuck it.

02:50:26.000 Dual residency.

02:50:27.000 No, that's wrong to a dog.

02:50:28.000 Speaking of dogs, the fucking Tucson, please help me fucking sell its Rialto.

02:50:34.000 When is it?

02:50:35.000 The Rialto, December 10th.

02:50:36.000 December 10th, ladies and gentlemen.

02:50:38.000 Get on it.

02:50:39.000 Where can they buy these tickets?

02:50:40.000 It's Walsh, Brody Stevens.

02:50:42.000 Brendan Walsh, Brody Stevens.

02:50:44.000 That's a fucking one-two punch.

02:50:45.000 Henry Phillips.

02:50:45.000 Oh, Jesus, folks.

02:50:46.000 We got music in the mix.

02:50:48.000 Who else?

02:50:48.000 Neil Hamburger.

02:50:49.000 Oh, come on, son.

02:50:50.000 Never seen his act.

02:50:51.000 Heard good things.

02:50:52.000 Who else?

02:50:54.000 Garrett Stab as a local.

02:50:55.000 And, of course, a beautiful, fantastic guest set from Miss Lynn Shawcroft.

02:51:00.000 Shazam.

02:51:01.000 There you go.

02:51:02.000 So that's a fucking hell of a show, ladies and gentlemen.

02:51:03.000 Hell of a show.

02:51:04.000 December 10th.

02:51:05.000 Get on that shit.

02:51:06.000 And they can buy tickets where?

02:51:08.000 I don't know.

02:51:09.000 Somewhere.

02:51:09.000 They can figure it out.

02:51:11.000 You're not stupid.

02:51:11.000 Just Google it.

02:51:12.000 December 10th.

02:51:13.000 I seemed interested, but then I couldn't figure it out.

02:51:15.000 Tucson, Arizona, the Rialto Theater, Doug Benson, and Posse, and crew.

02:51:20.000 You're having fun, dude.

02:51:22.000 You need to surround yourself with more positive people.

02:51:24.000 It's hurting me, hanging out with you here, hearing you all bummed out.

02:51:27.000 I'm not really bummed out.

02:51:28.000 I'm just really fucking new at being.

02:51:31.000 I haven't gotten high in a fucking year.

02:51:32.000 Is that what it is?

02:51:35.000 You're being Debbie Downer a little bit.

02:51:37.000 I'm always...

02:51:38.000 Well, I mean, you're not having sex to me.

02:51:42.000 I'm so fucking hyper aware of everything other than...

02:51:44.000 Tripping is never good for fucking entertainment.

02:51:48.000 No, it is.

02:51:48.000 It is.

02:51:49.000 I tried a small fucking portion.

02:51:52.000 It's still good.

02:51:53.000 It's still good.

02:51:53.000 It was fun.

02:51:54.000 It was a fun conversation.

02:51:55.000 It's cool.

02:51:56.000 People enjoy these conversations.

02:51:57.000 They get to see you, you know, who you really are, man.

02:52:00.000 They get to see all of us who we really are in all sorts of different situations with tripping, sober, drunk.

02:52:05.000 I've gotten more feedback about the first one where I go, that had to be boring to everyone.

02:52:09.000 It was just me talking to you about old days and shit.

02:52:13.000 It was fun.

02:52:13.000 People enjoyed it.

02:52:14.000 But people loved it.

02:52:15.000 Yeah, you gotta be positive.

02:52:17.000 I think you have a tendency to go negative.

02:52:19.000 It's like a tendency in your thinking to go negative.

02:52:23.000 Unfortunately, it fucking sets little triggers in your brain, and it sort of defines your outlook on things when you do that.

02:52:29.000 And you can fuck yourself into a bad state of mind.

02:52:32.000 We can forgive Fear Factor 2, but if you start going motivational speaker...

02:52:36.000 I'm going Tony Robbins, bro.

02:52:37.000 I'm going to get one of those Bobby Brown headsets, and I'm going to go out there, and I'm going to show other people...

02:52:41.000 Negative vibes, and you know what?

02:52:42.000 Negative vibes create negative atoms in your fucking DNA. You make negative children.

02:52:50.000 You don't want that.

02:52:50.000 Your spin residence is all off, man.

02:52:53.000 You need a different crystal on your neck.

02:52:55.000 B! Excited!

02:52:56.000 B! B! Excited!

02:52:58.000 B! We could go off forever about motivational speakers, but the last thing I want to talk to you about is comedy classes, because I thought this was really funny.

02:53:08.000 Kyle Cease I've talked to on the phone.

02:53:11.000 Again, it's like Dane Cook.

02:53:14.000 I talked to Kyle Cease.

02:53:16.000 I go, it was funny.

02:53:17.000 It created good internet buzz.

02:53:20.000 Yeah, it's a dumb thing.

02:53:23.000 I don't have to be high to be hyper aware of how pointless comedy is and the fucking scam that we get away with doing this for a living.

02:53:31.000 When it should be free.

02:53:32.000 You say that and I agree in a certain way, but in another way I don't agree because I was always happy to pay for it and I enjoy it still as an art form.

02:53:41.000 I think it's the most fun form of entertainment.

02:53:43.000 I think that we've been in it for so long.

02:53:46.000 You know, I think for some of us we might have forgotten how much we appreciated it in the beginning.

02:53:53.000 You know, forgotten that it's still the same thing.

02:53:55.000 I've always forgotten it.

02:53:56.000 I've always forgotten it.

02:53:57.000 You're always hating it from the beginning?

02:53:59.000 No, not from the beginning.

02:54:01.000 Once I knew the Hollywood blowjob was all a fallacy, I don't want to do anything more.

02:54:07.000 It's like Hedberg's joke about, oh, you're a comic, can you write?

02:54:14.000 Or can you act?

02:54:17.000 It's like saying, oh, you're a...

02:54:22.000 You're a cook.

02:54:23.000 Can you farm?

02:54:24.000 Yeah, I remember that.

02:54:28.000 Thank you for letting me fucking embarrass Mitch Hedberg's fucking grave.

02:54:33.000 You got through it, though.

02:54:34.000 You still got a good punchline out of it.

02:54:36.000 Because there was a pause, but you know what?

02:54:38.000 This show is going to be fucked.

02:54:39.000 You didn't do a lot of uhs.

02:54:40.000 I've only had three drinks, by the way, in fucking three hours.

02:54:44.000 Dude, everything's great.

02:54:47.000 No worries.

02:54:48.000 No, I'm worried about Brea.

02:54:50.000 Oh, it's not fucked.

02:54:51.000 You're fine.

02:54:52.000 I can't wait.

02:54:52.000 21 years of comedy.

02:54:54.000 Do you know how many times I've played the Bray Improv?

02:54:57.000 Never.

02:54:58.000 Really?

02:54:59.000 So, if it goes poorly, I'm not worried about my career.

02:55:04.000 Dude, it's a great comedy club.

02:55:05.000 It's fun.

02:55:05.000 You're gonna love it.

02:55:07.000 Bray is one of my favorites.

02:55:09.000 I love Bray.

02:55:10.000 If you go in with that attitude of, it doesn't fucking matter, you're usually funnier.

02:55:14.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

02:55:15.000 I'm looking forward to your show tonight, man.

02:55:17.000 No pressure.

02:55:18.000 No pressure.

02:55:18.000 I'm just going to sit and be creepy in the back.

02:55:20.000 And if you're doing something I don't like, I'm just going to shake my head.

02:55:22.000 I'm going to put myself in a really obvious position.

02:55:25.000 Last night, I go, yeah, Rogan said he's coming, but there's no way he's coming.

02:55:31.000 Why did you say that?

02:55:33.000 Because it's fucking Irvine, that traffic.

02:55:35.000 Yeah, no fucking way.

02:55:36.000 Well, we already worked it out that I was coming tonight.

02:55:39.000 Yeah.

02:55:39.000 Well, no, you said, oh, I'm going to come to both, and I know you're not going to come to both.

02:55:42.000 Who would?

02:55:43.000 Did I say that?

02:55:44.000 It's high.

02:55:45.000 It's probably high.

02:55:46.000 It's ridiculous.

02:55:47.000 Why would I come to both?

02:55:48.000 Why would you?

02:55:49.000 Why would I? That would be even creepier if I had to sit and watch the same show twice.

02:55:52.000 Dan goes, Rogan's a man of his word.

02:55:54.000 I go, no, he's saying it flippantly.

02:55:56.000 There's no...

02:55:57.000 There's no fucking comedy.

02:55:59.000 Love you, Dad.

02:56:00.000 There's no one joke.

02:56:01.000 No dead fucking Patrice O'Neal wrapped up in a Greg Giraldo with a Freddy Soto on top.

02:56:09.000 There's no comedy worth driving to Irvine from L.A. That's not true.

02:56:15.000 I would totally go.

02:56:16.000 I was going to go see you.

02:56:17.000 If you didn't do the podcast and you were only doing Irvine, I would have gone to see you there.

02:56:21.000 For sure.

02:56:22.000 Because Brea, to me, is almost as far as Irvine.

02:56:24.000 Yeah, but you have a convoy right now.

02:56:26.000 If you drive to fucking Irvine, they make traffic move.

02:56:29.000 And there's a convoy with flags on town cars.

02:56:33.000 Oh, Douglas.

02:56:35.000 I wish.

02:56:36.000 That would be awesome.

02:56:37.000 I could just have magic.

02:56:39.000 I go, hey, I'll do you a podcast.

02:56:42.000 I think we can con my record company into getting a driver.

02:56:47.000 And Rogan goes, ah, now I have my own service.

02:56:50.000 I'll have him pick you up at 1.30, good for you.

02:56:53.000 Is that odd?

02:56:55.000 No, but the fact that you have a bell that you ring out on your porch to summon the person, that's...

02:57:00.000 Yeah, no, no, that's...

02:57:01.000 Affluence.

02:57:03.000 But no, you're not someone I feel uncomfortable around.

02:57:06.000 Like, you and Ron White were the two guys that I... Alright, no matter how, you're still you.

02:57:13.000 Yeah, who's changed?

02:57:15.000 Who have you ever met that got some money?

02:57:17.000 You know, for a lot of people, you know what it is, man?

02:57:19.000 They get something and then they don't want to lose it.

02:57:21.000 And then they get scared and then they clam up.

02:57:23.000 And then they stop doing anything controversial.

02:57:26.000 Guys, I know.

02:57:27.000 Like Attell, I've never...

02:57:28.000 No one gets close to Attell.

02:57:31.000 Like, he's just...

02:57:32.000 Well, you know what?

02:57:33.000 I don't like to ever judge anybody or look at them all in categories.

02:57:37.000 I just tell you who I love, and I love Attell.

02:57:39.000 Attell, I would say, is the fucking pound for pound, as they say in your industry.

02:57:44.000 The best?

02:57:45.000 The best of our generation.

02:57:47.000 I don't know if I can agree with that, because, you know, quite honestly, I shift back and forth on a bunch of different guys.

02:57:53.000 I go back and forth, but I stop trying to put him in an order.

02:57:57.000 Hedberg's a specific guy, but joke for joke, no one has more fucking jokes and personality than a tell.

02:58:06.000 There's five jokes in a joke.

02:58:07.000 Well, I will never argue with you on that.

02:58:10.000 I just think he's amazing, but I don't put him all in an order.

02:58:14.000 I've decided somewhere along the line just to appreciate him.

02:58:16.000 There's a little trap for me, at least.

02:58:19.000 There's a Hunter S. Thompson part of it where you go, would you want to be that miserable of a fucking person?

02:58:24.000 To be that good.

02:58:25.000 To be that funny.

02:58:26.000 You think he's more miserable than you by how much?

02:58:29.000 Oh, yeah, no, he's really, like, he makes me, like, I go, just, let's go to Costa Rica together.

02:58:35.000 Let's just go on vacation.

02:58:37.000 Well, I've got this pilot, and it's not, it's no good, and I'm, like, he had a DVD, like, for three years he's been editing, but he hates every word of it.

02:58:49.000 You write more fucking jokes in a conversation while I'm drunk than I write in a fucking notebook in a year.

02:58:57.000 Well, what he is is a real fucking professional.

02:59:01.000 It's a Bukowski thing.

02:59:02.000 Do you want to be that fucking miserable of a person to put out that good of art?

02:59:06.000 Me?

02:59:07.000 I'd rather fucking phone it in.

02:59:12.000 I honestly don't think it's an either-or.

02:59:14.000 I think you could just enjoy the whole process.

02:59:16.000 Hang on.

02:59:16.000 I love it, dude.

02:59:17.000 Hey, faggot that's about to email and say, this thing went on too long.

02:59:21.000 We have two minutes.

02:59:21.000 Pause, and then, yeah, part four is right now.

02:59:25.000 We've got to end it because we're running out of space on the...

02:59:28.000 Yeah, I want fried clams.

02:59:30.000 Listen, you dirty bitches.

02:59:32.000 You know we love you.

02:59:33.000 Send our love.

02:59:34.000 Send our love throughout the world.

02:59:36.000 Send our love to The Fleshlight for sponsoring this podcast.

02:59:39.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and enter in the code name ROGAN, and you get 15% off, and you will use the same masturbation device that me and Brian do.

02:59:49.000 Mmm, it's yummy.

02:59:50.000 I like it.

02:59:51.000 I'd have used it too, but last time I did your fucking podcast, you kind of flashed it around like it was swag, and you didn't give it to me.

03:00:00.000 I forgot.

03:00:00.000 That's all just a space move.

03:00:01.000 I apologize greatly.

03:00:02.000 I still have your fucking Nike sneakers I stole from you on The Man Show.

03:00:06.000 Sweet.

03:00:06.000 I'll have the fleshlights send them to you.

03:00:09.000 How about that?

03:00:10.000 212 Van Dyke Street.

03:00:11.000 Don't do it!

03:00:12.000 Why?

03:00:13.000 I already did it once.

03:00:14.000 Don't do it on this one.

03:00:15.000 You guys, send shit, but address it to Bingo.

03:00:18.000 Just send whatever weird shit.

03:00:20.000 She loves it.

03:00:21.000 She loves nothing but mail.

03:00:23.000 We live in a town where mail still means something.

03:00:26.000 Go fuck yourself.

03:00:27.000 Thank you.

03:00:28.000 For me and Joe Rogan.

03:00:29.000 Thank you to Onnit, Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T.com.

03:00:34.000 Check out the Alpha Brain Balance Nootropic Supplement.

03:00:37.000 Check out New Mood, the 5-HTP, an L-Tryptophan supplement, and Shroom Tech, the Cordyceps Mushroom Energy Supplement, which is fantastic for working out.

03:00:47.000 Check out all that shit.

03:00:48.000 Go to JoeRogan.net.

03:00:49.000 Click on that link.

03:00:50.000 Enter in the code.

03:00:52.000 A little something for the smokers.

03:00:54.000 Get yourself 10% off of that, too.

03:00:56.000 All right.

03:00:56.000 Thank you, Doug Stanhope.

03:00:58.000 It was a beautiful experience.

03:00:59.000 As always, can't wait for your show tonight.

03:01:01.000 Thank you, Brian Redband.

03:01:03.000 Thank you, all you fucking freaks.

03:01:04.000 We got Shane Smith from Vice.com next week.

03:01:07.000 We're going to talk to this motherfucker about the craziest shit on Earth.

03:01:10.000 He's just getting back.

03:01:12.000 That's my fucking hero.

03:01:12.000 Yeah, guys.

03:01:13.000 He's one of my fucking heroes, too.

03:01:14.000 That guy's getting back from Japan right now.

03:01:16.000 He was checking out the reactors.

03:01:17.000 Okay?

03:01:18.000 He just got back from India where he hadn't seen a toilet in a month.

03:01:21.000 Yeah.

03:01:21.000 That would be the number one guy of why doesn't everyone know this fucking guy.

03:01:25.000 Yeah, exactly.

03:01:26.000 Well, I think that's going to change soon.

03:01:27.000 He's 60 Minutes of Jackass fucking everything.

03:01:29.000 He's awesome.

03:01:30.000 And he's going to be here next Tuesday, you fucking freaks.

03:01:33.000 All right, we love you.

03:01:34.000 Take care.

03:01:35.000 Bye-bye, everybody.

03:01:36.000 Big kiss.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 01, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #163 - Doug Stanhope & Joey Diaz

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