The Joe Rogan Experience - May 19, 2021


Joe Rogan Experience #1654 - Whitney Cummings

Topics
Creek in the Cave comedy show Bernie Madoff and Ponzi scheme stealing and justification student loan debt feminism stereotypes fear of heights fear of public speaking Grizzly Man documentary ivory in galleries blackface digital blackface Dave Chappelle ranting about Nina Simone performance butt pad underwear looking at people as children holding people accountable for their irrational behaviors inequality of life experiences Russian propaganda Robert William Appervire vultures vaccine misinformation cancel culture
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Whitney Cummings
Mentioned
Detective Whitney Jack Kennedy Harry Joan Rivers Joey Diaz Dude Al Jolson Tim Dillon Steven Spielberg Annie Letterman Michael Jackson Nina Simone Duncan Trussell Wesley Snipes Dave Chappelle Richard Pryor Werner Herzog Johnny Carson April Tillman Andy Kindler and 130 more
Joe Rogan Experience #1653 - Andy Norman Joe Rogan Experience #1655 - Sebastian Junger

Episode Stats


Length

3 hours and 5 minutes

Words per minute

207.37

Word count

38,516

Sentence count

4,518

Harmful content

Misogyny

179

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,403

sentences flagged

Hate speech

104

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Comedian Joe Rogan and writer/comedian Whitney Cummings talk about their favorite childhood toys and the things they used to do with them. They also talk about how much they miss the days when cell phones were cool, and how they don't have them anymore. They also discuss how they would like to go back to a flip phone, and why they don t have one anymore. Joe also talks about how he doesn't use social media anymore and how he's trying to get back on it, and Whitney talks about a new app he's been working on that he thinks could be a good replacement for social media, but it needs a lot of work and he's not sure if it's going to make it. They finish the episode with a story about when they were kids growing up in Texas and how much money they had to pay to get their first flip phones, and what it was like to be a kid in the 80s and 90s with no cell phones. It's a wild ride down memory lane, and it's one you don't want to miss. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Artwork by Ian Dorsch. We do not own any of the music used in this episode. The 500 is a production of Gimlet Media. or any other music used for this episode was done by our patrons. Thank you so much for all the support, we really appreciate it. We really appreciate all the love, support, support and support, and really appreciate the support we get from the support and all the hard work that goes out there. Thank you for all of you. We appreciate it, it means a lot, it's a lot. - the support is really helps us to make this podcast is really important to us get out there and it helps us out. We hope you all can make it out here and we really get back out there with all of our support. -- Thank you, Joe and we appreciate all of the love and support we can do this. XOXO. Cheers. Joe and Whitney - Thank you Joe and Cheers, Cheers! (and the rest of the support goes out to all the people who sent us out there to the boys at The Joe Rogans Experience for making this podcast and all of their support is so much.

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.
00:00:15.000 It's 1 o'clock, Joe.
00:00:16.000 This is such a bad idea.
00:00:18.000 I'm going to end up on 8chan. 0.98
00:00:21.000 We can do whatever the fuck we want. 0.94
00:00:22.000 We're comedians. 0.97
00:00:22.000 We're professional comedians, Whitney Cummings. 0.97
00:00:24.000 You know what's so wild to me?
00:00:27.000 You've always been Texas to me.
00:00:29.000 Isn't that weird?
00:00:31.000 I half grew up in Texas.
00:00:32.000 My mom's family's from Sherman, Texas.
00:00:35.000 I don't know if you know Sherman.
00:00:35.000 It's north of Fort Worth.
00:00:37.000 My uncle made the TI Texas Instruments calculators.
00:00:41.000 Really?
00:00:42.000 Yeah, he was in the factory.
00:00:42.000 He built those.
00:00:43.000 I used to have one of those.
00:00:44.000 Do you remember those?
00:00:44.000 Yeah.
00:00:44.000 I used to run around my school when I was a kid and be like, my uncle makes the Texas Instruments calculators.
00:00:50.000 They thought I was the coolest person on the planet.
00:00:52.000 I was like bragging about them all the time. 0.99
00:00:54.000 And then we got to the grade where you actually had to order the fucking calculators. 0.98
00:00:59.000 And I was all of a sudden the most unpopular person in the school. 1.00
00:01:01.000 They're like, fuck you, fuck your uncle. 1.00
00:01:03.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:01:03.000 Because remember they were like this, I mean they were a giant brick. 1.00
00:01:06.000 Yeah.
00:01:07.000 And like most of the buttons were hieroglyphics.
00:01:10.000 Hieroglyphics?
00:01:10.000 Remember those?
00:01:10.000 Remember it was like 1 through 10 and then it was just like all these other crazy buttons.
00:01:14.000 Oh, right.
00:01:15.000 Those TI-83.
00:01:16.000 That's right.
00:01:16.000 Yeah.
00:01:17.000 They were this big.
00:01:17.000 Pull up a photo of those.
00:01:19.000 They were this big.
00:01:20.000 So you used to play Drug Wars on them.
00:01:21.000 Drug Wars?
00:01:22.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:01:23.000 You could put games on them and shit. 0.97
00:01:25.000 Really? 0.98
00:01:25.000 I don't know. 0.98
00:01:26.000 You guys didn't do that?
00:01:27.000 No.
00:01:27.000 Uh-oh.
00:01:27.000 I remember we used to try to make dicks out of the numbers.
00:01:30.000 Yeah.
00:01:31.000 How do you play Drug Wars?
00:01:33.000 I mean, it was just a text game, so it'd be like you go to this city and you want to buy drugs, and then you go to this city and you buy a bunch of drugs, and then...
00:01:39.000 Is that it?
00:01:40.000 That looks like a Blackberry.
00:01:41.000 This is before the Silk Road.
00:01:42.000 I remember when the Blackberries were out, and I was like, I am never going with something without a button.
00:01:46.000 My friend got an iPhone.
00:01:48.000 I'm like, what is that nonsense?
00:01:49.000 You're typing on a screen? 1.00
00:01:50.000 That's so stupid. 1.00
00:01:51.000 It's so stupid. 1.00
00:01:52.000 It also seemed so unsanitary at the time, iPhone, versus the buttons. 1.00
00:01:56.000 Remember the...
00:01:56.000 The buttons get all the stuff in between the cracks.
00:02:00.000 That shit was nasty. 0.99
00:02:02.000 See? 1.00
00:02:02.000 It was like drug wars. 1.00
00:02:03.000 Oh! 0.60
00:02:03.000 It just would like list it. 0.60
00:02:05.000 Pigs broke up a drug ring at Greenwood OBGYN. So you'd have to move cities.
00:02:09.000 So it would get messages?
00:02:11.000 Like a pager?
00:02:11.000 It was just like you had a pager and you were a drug dealer and you had to be successful.
00:02:15.000 See, pagers...
00:02:16.000 There's no winning, but...
00:02:17.000 Pagers were like...
00:02:19.000 Joey Diaz always had a pager.
00:02:20.000 And then people got those pagers that had messages.
00:02:25.000 Sky pagers?
00:02:26.000 You could type a message.
00:02:28.000 People were texting.
00:02:28.000 They were texting pagers like, hey, meet me at Mike's house.
00:02:32.000 Right, right, right.
00:02:32.000 That was the thing.
00:02:33.000 That predated cell phones.
00:02:35.000 Yeah.
00:02:35.000 But you would get the page, because I have one running around in D.C. Some people call it a beeper, some people call it a pager.
00:02:42.000 If you call it a beeper, we didn't fuck with you. 0.99
00:02:45.000 It was very serious. 0.99
00:02:46.000 That was what really divided America back in the day.
00:02:50.000 Versus red, versus blue.
00:02:51.000 And then you go to a payphone.
00:02:53.000 Yeah, those things.
00:02:54.000 The Motorola.
00:02:56.000 Yes, two-way pager.
00:02:58.000 So it was basically like text messaging.
00:03:00.000 Send text messages to each other.
00:03:01.000 I miss that little clip.
00:03:02.000 You felt so important.
00:03:03.000 You felt like every time someone paged you, you were going to go save a life in the ER. I'm seriously thinking of going back to a flip phone.
00:03:09.000 I've been really thinking about it lately.
00:03:11.000 Because the days that I just leave my phone in the house, I don't have any...
00:03:15.000 I have an Instagram app and a Twitter app on my phone, but I never open them anymore.
00:03:20.000 And I've been really thinking like I should just do all that shit from a dedicated phone that I only use for social media and for my regular phone. 0.96
00:03:27.000 Just have some shit that I can text people on. 0.96
00:03:29.000 You're the reason I made this folder on the bottom. 0.97
00:03:32.000 What is it?
00:03:32.000 It says addict.
00:03:33.000 Oh yeah, that's what I have. 0.98
00:03:34.000 And it used to be on the farthest page and then I fucking moved it like an addict. 0.91
00:03:40.000 And I'm trying so hard. 0.61
00:03:41.000 I even did the little app that makes it so it tells you you've been on your screen for 30 minutes today. 1.00
00:03:47.000 And I'm like, fuck you, you snitch. 1.00
00:03:48.000 Like, I can't even respect my own boundaries for it. 1.00
00:03:51.000 But I have Joel Silver, famous L.A. producer.
00:03:55.000 He uses a flip phone only.
00:03:57.000 And it's like a game changer.
00:03:59.000 Yeah, it changes your life because then you're only text messaging people and sending phone calls. 0.96
00:04:03.000 And you're not putting shit in writing that is perfectly well-intentioned and can be misconstrued later under new circumstances.
00:04:12.000 I mean, people even get bitchy about when I do an email and it's just like, thank you for the info period. 0.94
00:04:17.000 They're like, are you okay?
00:04:17.000 Are you mad?
00:04:18.000 I'm like, no, that's how adults talk.
00:04:20.000 Yeah, thank you for the info.
00:04:21.000 I'm not doing a smiley face.
00:04:22.000 I'm not doing an exclamation part.
00:04:23.000 Some people are so sensitive, though.
00:04:25.000 They're so sensitive.
00:04:26.000 I'm like, you're projecting onto this. 1.00
00:04:27.000 That's your shit. 1.00
00:04:28.000 Well, it's also, we do podcasts, right? 1.00
00:04:30.000 So we're talking out loud, and you don't know what the fuck you're saying, why you're saying it. 0.96
00:04:33.000 And then people take it out, and then they make a clip out of it. 0.98
00:04:37.000 Like, this is like a very important statement by Whitney Cummings. 1.00
00:04:39.000 It's like, every day I say something stupid. 1.00
00:04:42.000 You could find some shit. 1.00
00:04:44.000 I'm not paying attention. 0.99
00:04:45.000 There's this new thing, like when people talk about cancel culture and everything, where I'm like, when did comedians become heroes and a moral compass? 0.98
00:04:56.000 Our job is to go into dangerous areas, say dangerous shit, test the waters. 0.99
00:05:01.000 We're the fucking Magellan on the front line. 1.00
00:05:03.000 You know when penguins push another penguin off a... 0.99
00:05:06.000 Off the cliff?
00:05:07.000 That's us.
00:05:07.000 We're like, we'll jump off this cliff and see if there are sharks.
00:05:10.000 We're supposed to be explorers.
00:05:11.000 We're supposed to play devil's advocate and have hot takes.
00:05:15.000 I'm working on this new hour and it's always like, okay, I'm going to say something that's not true, that I think is funny, and then defend it with jokes.
00:05:23.000 You know, that's kind of like the way I start writing.
00:05:26.000 And I hope you don't agree with anything I'm saying because then it can't be original or you've probably heard it at work today. 0.99
00:05:32.000 The idea is you pay money to hear someone say some shit you would never hear anywhere else. 0.99
00:05:37.000 It's a haunted house. 0.99
00:05:37.000 It's also you don't really know if it's going to work. 0.99
00:05:41.000 Yeah.
00:05:41.000 Until you try it out.
00:05:43.000 It's like the famous thing that we've quoted all the time about Patrice.
00:05:46.000 Patrice had the best take on this.
00:05:47.000 He said, all jokes come from the same place.
00:05:51.000 Bad ones and good ones.
00:05:52.000 They come from, you're trying to be funny.
00:05:54.000 And some of them just don't work.
00:05:55.000 But it comes from the same place.
00:05:57.000 It's not like there's an evil intention behind these jokes.
00:06:00.000 But you have to give us the right to fail.
00:06:01.000 That's the only way we can learn and know.
00:06:03.000 Most people do.
00:06:04.000 It's a small, very vocal minority that don't.
00:06:08.000 Agree.
00:06:08.000 And I do think it's funny with all the, like, cancel culture stuff.
00:06:11.000 Like, I do kind of joke that, like, comedians, like, we have exacerbated it so much because we're so sensitive.
00:06:18.000 Also, we put fuel in the fire.
00:06:20.000 Yes. 1.00
00:06:20.000 Like, we say the most dumb shit. 1.00
00:06:22.000 Yes. 1.00
00:06:22.000 And also, you know, it does get tricky when, you know, people think that As a comedian, it's not my job for everyone to like me. 1.00
00:06:29.000 I hope I'm polarizing.
00:06:32.000 We can't fight for like, I have the right to say whatever I want, First Amendment right, but you don't have the right to not like me.
00:06:38.000 It's like, all right, whatever.
00:06:39.000 You don't like me, fine. 0.93
00:06:40.000 Well, in this culture, there is no fucking way everyone's going to like you. 0.92
00:06:44.000 It's not possible. 0.99
00:06:45.000 If you're the most rational, reasonable person on the left, some shithead on the right is going to hate you. 0.98
00:06:51.000 If you're the most rational, conservative person, some wokester is going to get pissed at you. 1.00
00:06:56.000 There's no way.
00:06:57.000 Nobody skates.
00:06:58.000 I would hope so.
00:06:59.000 I didn't sign up to be a comic to not be polarizing or incendiary. 0.98
00:07:04.000 Even when you're in the club with your own fans, you want to say some shit and they're like, ah, and you're like, just stay with me. 0.99
00:07:09.000 I'm going to fucking turn that. 0.99
00:07:11.000 Or not. 0.99
00:07:11.000 Or not! 0.99
00:07:12.000 I'm on this fucking tightrope. 1.00
00:07:14.000 Let's see how far I can go. 0.99
00:07:15.000 I love when Bill Burgoes, I remember one time he was in the main room and he likes to bomb on purpose to dig himself out of a hole.
00:07:24.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:07:24.000 You know, it was one of my favorite things to do is when you're sort of like, oh, I said some shit that I'm probably, you know, this is something I'm going to have to fucking dig out of. 0.98
00:07:31.000 That's when you get stronger and better. 1.00
00:07:33.000 And he would open with shit. 1.00
00:07:35.000 I remember one time he was, I know he was in the OR, and he said something like, can we just talk about the fact that black people and white people are different? 1.00
00:07:41.000 And everyone's like, ooh, and he's like, stay with me, and then defends it and gets it back.
00:07:46.000 Yeah.
00:07:46.000 You know, so I just think that we're a mental haunted house.
00:07:52.000 You're supposed to be like spooked and scared and challenged and you don't have to agree with us all the time.
00:07:56.000 Yeah, well, there's a recreation right now.
00:07:59.000 It's recreational outrage, right?
00:08:01.000 And recreational attacks.
00:08:02.000 So people try to find things that piss them off and attack them.
00:08:05.000 And if you want to find those, comedians are like the best resource.
00:08:08.000 If you're looking for something to get mad at, you can find us all the time. 0.98
00:08:11.000 You go to porn to jerk off, you go to comedians Twitter to get mad. 0.96
00:08:15.000 And it is, you know, I feel like we talk about this a lot, but, you know, addiction to me is the element of the conversation that's missing from this whole thing. 0.99
00:08:23.000 Because, you know, self-righteous indignation is a legitimate addiction.
00:08:26.000 Adrenaline makes dopamine. 0.99
00:08:28.000 When you go on there and go, fuck this guy, you get two likes, you're like, yeah, I mean, it's a dopamine high. 0.99
00:08:34.000 Yeah, likes are real. 0.99
00:08:35.000 Likes, retweets, replies, when you see all your comments, people agreeing with you, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
00:08:40.000 Yeah, people feed off that shit. 1.00
00:08:42.000 And I also think people that really love you can go, oh, what the fuck was that, man? 1.00
00:08:46.000 Like, a lot of times, negativity, when I look at, are people just kind of trying to be funny half the time? 0.99
00:08:52.000 Or they're just trying to, you know, when I go to airports, someone's like, what's up, cunt? 0.99
00:08:57.000 And I'm like... 0.99
00:08:58.000 Is it usually a guy?
00:09:00.000 Yeah, totally.
00:09:01.000 I was just in Houston. 1.00
00:09:03.000 Dude, Texas bitches do not fuck around. 1.00
00:09:05.000 I was across the street and these girls were like, Whitney, we love you. 1.00
00:09:10.000 And I was like, hey. 1.00
00:09:11.000 And they were like, get over here, bitch. 1.00
00:09:12.000 And I'm walking across the street. 1.00
00:09:14.000 And then they were like, we want to get a photo.
00:09:16.000 And I was like, cool, go for it.
00:09:18.000 And they were like, we want you to bend over and we're going to run a train on you.
00:09:21.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:09:23.000 These girls were all doing that to you? 1.00
00:09:25.000 Yeah.
00:09:25.000 Yes, and it was just funny.
00:09:26.000 It was silly.
00:09:28.000 I always have to draw a line. 0.51
00:09:29.000 Like, no, I'm not going to take my shirt off.
00:09:30.000 No, I'm not going to kiss you.
00:09:32.000 Hold up.
00:09:33.000 You've been taking your shirt off a lot.
00:09:34.000 Recently. 1.00
00:09:37.000 On stage, you have people go up and feel your tits. 1.00
00:09:40.000 Like, what are you doing? 1.00
00:09:42.000 This is why you're here.
00:09:43.000 This is an intervention.
00:09:46.000 Like what do you love to? 1.00
00:09:47.000 You dye your hair granny silver and you're having everyone grab your tits. 1.00
00:09:52.000 Like what? 1.00
00:09:53.000 What a mixed message.
00:09:54.000 I'm gonna defend the hair in a minute.
00:09:56.000 You don't have to defend the hair.
00:09:57.000 I don't have any hair.
00:09:58.000 It was a little crusty the clown for a while because I didn't realize when you do a podcast, you guys can just walk on.
00:10:04.000 I have to brush my hair. 0.98
00:10:05.000 No one told me when I started a podcast I was going to have to fucking brush my hair. 0.99
00:10:07.000 You don't have to brush your hair. 0.99
00:10:08.000 Well, when I didn't, everyone thought I was like a crackhead.
00:10:11.000 Oh, that's a good point.
00:10:12.000 Yeah.
00:10:13.000 I could do that.
00:10:13.000 Yeah, or a scarf.
00:10:14.000 Nah, if you wear a beanie with colored hair, it's everyone's like calling and being like, are you okay?
00:10:18.000 Like, just like Betty Ford is sending me like gift cards.
00:10:21.000 Right.
00:10:21.000 Wear a fedora like you're a detective.
00:10:24.000 Detective Whitney. 0.99
00:10:25.000 That's really funny and dumb. 0.99
00:10:27.000 I could do that. 0.98
00:10:29.000 Maybe a straw hat like Huckleberry Finn. 1.00
00:10:35.000 Dude, this is, when people talk about LA being dumb, this is the shit that really pisses me off. 0.99
00:10:39.000 There's a guy that sells hats for $1,000 in Venice, and they're suede, and they have a little burnt matchstick in them. 1.00
00:10:46.000 They'd be $100 at Smith& Wesson or whatever.
00:10:49.000 Not Smith& Wesson.
00:10:50.000 What's the hat company?
00:10:53.000 I should not be drinking bourbon at this time.
00:10:55.000 The hat company?
00:10:56.000 The hat company that makes the great hats.
00:10:57.000 Stetson?
00:10:58.000 Stetson, yes.
00:10:59.000 And he puts a match in it and they're $1,000 in LA. People that have never been to any other state.
00:11:06.000 Of course.
00:11:06.000 Good for them.
00:11:07.000 If they pay $1,000 for a hat, they are a hipster.
00:11:09.000 They deserve themselves.
00:11:10.000 In Silver Lake.
00:11:11.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:11:11.000 Yeah, you deserve homeless people setting your house on fire. 0.99
00:11:15.000 You already have a burnt match in your hat. 0.99
00:11:17.000 There are some things that people do sell that if you buy that, you deserve it.
00:11:22.000 You're not getting ripped off.
00:11:23.000 You're getting represented.
00:11:24.000 This represents you.
00:11:26.000 Yeah, you deserve to go broke.
00:11:28.000 You should spend a thousand bucks on a hat with a match in it. 1.00
00:11:31.000 You're an asshole. 1.00
00:11:31.000 You are mentally... 1.00
00:11:34.000 This is what you deserve.
00:11:35.000 Yeah, you want to show up at a party with that thing and go, oh my god, is that a Franklin?
00:11:39.000 Who made your hat?
00:11:40.000 Is that a Smith?
00:11:42.000 Who makes those? 0.61
00:11:43.000 When people start paying three times as much money for something that's vintage that should be three times cheaper because it's vintage. 1.00
00:11:49.000 It's used, you fuck. 1.00
00:11:51.000 It has crabs. 1.00
00:11:53.000 People have been jerking off into that shirt. 0.96
00:11:55.000 You're getting leprosy from this, and you just paid. 0.91
00:11:58.000 So, oh yeah, I think for me, the whole pandemic, and I know you saw it, and you and Annie Letterman, and the real, real comics were a big support system to me when I was really trying to figure out a way to Help comics keep doing stand-up safely in LA. Well,
00:12:14.000 you did an amazing job.
00:12:15.000 What you did was really brave, because you did it in your backyard amongst friends.
00:12:19.000 Like, you all did comedy together to each other, which is hilarious, because you would think that it would be easy to do comedy in front of your friends. 0.95
00:12:26.000 It's fucking hard. 0.98
00:12:27.000 And embarrassing. 0.99
00:12:28.000 And super embarrassing.
00:12:30.000 And also, you're doing it for a bunch of comics and agents and managers and friends.
00:12:34.000 That's not an audience.
00:12:36.000 An audience is people you don't know.
00:12:37.000 That's right.
00:12:38.000 And when you guys did that, I was like, look at Whitney, that little junkie. 1.00
00:12:41.000 She's out there getting her fix. 0.78
00:12:44.000 She's out there getting her fixed by any means necessary.
00:12:46.000 I mean, it was wild to have whatever your coping mechanism.
00:12:50.000 I mean, it's our job, it's our career, it's our vocation, but it's also our coping mechanism.
00:12:53.000 It's how we make sense of things.
00:12:55.000 And with everything that was going on, you know, I mean, Tim Dillon was over every day and we were just screaming at each other in my yard.
00:13:00.000 Wasn't he living with you for a while?
00:13:01.000 Kind of.
00:13:02.000 How long was he staying with you for?
00:13:03.000 He would just come over kind of most days. 0.98
00:13:06.000 I fucking love that dude. 1.00
00:13:07.000 He is a goddamn national treasure. 1.00
00:13:09.000 Oh, look! 1.00
00:13:11.000 There's Olivia Munn!
00:13:11.000 Who's wearing the mask?
00:13:13.000 That is Gila Klein.
00:13:14.000 Olivia's not. 0.97
00:13:15.000 She's a gangster. 1.00
00:13:16.000 Look at her in the front row. 1.00
00:13:17.000 Fuck it. 1.00
00:13:17.000 Give me all the COVID. Meanwhile, people have been, look at this, outside with a mask on and everyone's tested. 1.00
00:13:23.000 That's what's so dumb. 0.99
00:13:24.000 So good. 0.99
00:13:25.000 No one knew what to do.
00:13:27.000 It's like, even still, to this day, the CDC says you can take your mask off when you're outside.
00:13:32.000 There's no evidence whatsoever that there's transmission outside.
00:13:34.000 And if you're vaccinated, you take a mask off inside or outside.
00:13:37.000 And California's like, I don't trust the CDC. Now California's saying no.
00:13:42.000 They want to go in a whole extra month with masks.
00:13:44.000 Like, what are we doing?
00:13:46.000 What are we doing?
00:13:46.000 And honestly, half of these people are the people that are like, I have a therapist and I'm all about mental health and I'm all about...
00:13:51.000 And it's like, you know the worst thing for your mental health is just finding more reasons to stay inside and isolate yourself and get drunk on this self-righteous indignation.
00:13:58.000 And...
00:13:59.000 I just wanted to show there's a way to do this safely.
00:14:02.000 There's no proof that...
00:14:03.000 Okay, Joe, just...
00:14:04.000 Did you start the fires in...
00:14:06.000 Let's not start a Texas fire.
00:14:08.000 What is this?
00:14:08.000 It's weed.
00:14:09.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:14:10.000 This is such a... 1.00
00:14:11.000 This is terrible.
00:14:11.000 It's a terrible idea.
00:14:12.000 Here's that one time I came on your show, I smoked some weed, and I just disassociated.
00:14:16.000 Yeah, that's how it goes.
00:14:17.000 Okay.
00:14:17.000 That's part of the problem.
00:14:18.000 If my mouth stops matching the words I'm saying, this is a good idea.
00:14:23.000 That's the kind of weed that'll make Chelsea Handler's healing come back. 1.00
00:14:28.000 Okay, this is going to cure my...
00:14:29.000 Her hearing went out from the Moderna.
00:14:32.000 Did you hear that, Jamie?
00:14:33.000 She put it on Twitter.
00:14:36.000 She put it on Twitter, right?
00:14:37.000 Yeah, I hope she's okay. 0.99
00:14:39.000 I mean, when I had COVID, I lost the taste, I lost the smell, and then I had some neurological shit. 0.52
00:14:44.000 I know you guys are going to say this is how you were before. 0.94
00:14:48.000 I didn't have a strong case, and I was like, you guys, seriously?
00:14:51.000 I can't remember stuff.
00:14:52.000 I don't remember my keys are. 1.00
00:14:53.000 You've always been a dumbass. 1.00
00:14:56.000 No, you're not a dumbass. 1.00
00:14:57.000 You're very smart, but you're crazy. 1.00
00:15:00.000 And I'm okay with that. 1.00
00:15:01.000 Yeah, you should be.
00:15:02.000 So play that real quick.
00:15:03.000 Oh, wow.
00:15:04.000 I got my second shot of Moderna today and I feel really sick and it's only been four hours and I'm deaf in one ear.
00:15:12.000 I thought I was gonna get sick tomorrow, but I feel sick.
00:15:16.000 Did this happen to other people?
00:15:19.000 Please tell me.
00:15:21.000 Well, first of all, we hope she's okay.
00:15:23.000 You know, all joking aside, we hope she's okay.
00:15:26.000 But I hope she didn't, you know, I hope that was it.
00:15:32.000 I mean, yeah, I do not...
00:15:35.000 The people that I know that had COVID and then took the vaccine after they had COVID, they had some pretty rough reactions, most of them that I know. 0.91
00:15:43.000 Yeah, I did the Johnson& Johnson the day before all that shit came out about the blood cuts. 0.90
00:15:47.000 I was supposed to do the Johnson& Johnson. 0.56
00:15:49.000 I was flying to the UFC, and they had allocated a certain amount of them for their employees.
00:15:54.000 But then when I got there, they go, you have to wait till Monday and do it in the hospital because of whatever regulations there are.
00:16:00.000 I was like, I can't stay till Monday. 0.99
00:16:02.000 I just want to get the fucking thing over with. 0.98
00:16:03.000 To me, it just was not, I could not spend any more of my mental energy perseverating about it. 0.99
00:16:09.000 And I was like, I just want to get on the fucking road and do what I do and be able to say, I'm vaccinated. 0.97
00:16:14.000 Right. 0.99
00:16:15.000 If you say you're vaccinated, it alleviates so much concerns.
00:16:18.000 People are like, oh, you're on the good guy side. 0.98
00:16:19.000 It's just something that it's like, whether it's symbolic, whether it's, you know, sort of psychosomatic, whatever the fuck it is. 0.88
00:16:27.000 And because you know what I found didn't work? 0.74
00:16:30.000 Because after I had COVID and when I had the antibodies and I would go on sets or go places, I'd be like, guys, I just had COVID. I have the antibodies.
00:16:37.000 No one felt safer when you said that.
00:16:39.000 You say vaccinated, they're like, oh, science.
00:16:41.000 Like they just hear the word and it's soothing.
00:16:44.000 It's like whatever the mental trick of saying, you know, people support, more people support, I think it's called assisted living than welfare, even though it's the same thing.
00:16:57.000 It's just the word.
00:16:58.000 Right, right, right.
00:16:58.000 Assisted living sounds like old people.
00:17:00.000 That's why.
00:17:01.000 It sounds like people that need your care.
00:17:03.000 That's right.
00:17:04.000 It's like the difference between a cable guy and a TV technician.
00:17:09.000 Right.
00:17:09.000 Technician sounds like someone who really knows what they're doing.
00:17:11.000 It's the same fucking thing. 1.00
00:17:12.000 Cable guy. 1.00
00:17:13.000 It's like that Jim Carrey dude.
00:17:14.000 Remember from that movie? 0.99
00:17:15.000 He was a psycho. 1.00
00:17:16.000 That was so fucking funny, dude. 1.00
00:17:17.000 He's amazing. 0.99
00:17:18.000 Jim Carrey, I was, I can't believe you brought this up, I was thinking about him the other fucking day, because I was thinking about comics, just sort of how Richard Pryor, if he came out gangbusters today, what the fuck would go on? 0.96
00:17:31.000 When we're now holding comedians. 0.97
00:17:32.000 He would adjust.
00:17:33.000 But holding comedians to the standard that we never said we would live up to.
00:17:38.000 We have always kept the bar for ourselves very low in terms of our behavior.
00:17:42.000 But I think guys like Richard Pryor, like the greats, whether it's Pryor or Kinison or anybody, I think they would adjust to the times.
00:17:48.000 And I think we're all trying to adjust to the times. 0.97
00:17:50.000 We're all trying to resonate with enough people that recognize that, like, yeah, we may misstep or may say stupid shit, and I'm certainly guilty of that a lot, but what we're trying to do is not that. 0.99
00:18:01.000 We're not trying to be assholes. 0.99
00:18:02.000 We're trying to be funny. 0.98
00:18:03.000 Separate the intention and the impact.
00:18:04.000 Or we're trying to think out loud.
00:18:06.000 That's the other thing.
00:18:06.000 We're trying to think, like, sometimes I'll say something and then I'll go, no, that doesn't make sense.
00:18:11.000 And then I have to go back and fix it. 0.99
00:18:13.000 But if you just cut it right there, then it looks really stupid. 0.98
00:18:16.000 Like, you have to put the whole thing together or it doesn't really represent what you're trying to say. 0.99
00:18:20.000 Totally.
00:18:20.000 But we do it to ourselves in this culture because we're still willing to do this.
00:18:24.000 And this is what's dangerous about it, but this is also what's good about it. 0.99
00:18:28.000 I guarantee you, I'll tell you this right now, if I was not me and I saw some of the dumb shit I said, I would 100% go after me. 0.99
00:18:35.000 I would do that. 0.99
00:18:36.000 I would go after me.
00:18:37.000 Because I know it's a good target. 0.99
00:18:40.000 As a comic, if someone says something really fucking stupid, you're like, that's a good target. 1.00
00:18:44.000 Fuck that dude. 1.00
00:18:45.000 I'm sorry, what do you know about what? 1.00
00:18:47.000 What do you know about this?
00:18:48.000 Where's your education?
00:18:49.000 And I would for sure mock me.
00:18:52.000 So I get it when other people do it.
00:18:54.000 I think there's a lot of people out there that are fans of comedy and the fear is that the emotional distress that some comics go through when they get attacked for their material is almost enough for them to quit.
00:19:03.000 Yeah.
00:19:03.000 And we don't want that.
00:19:04.000 That's right.
00:19:04.000 We don't want that.
00:19:05.000 That's right.
00:19:06.000 We want to know what your real intentions are.
00:19:08.000 That's right. 0.98
00:19:08.000 And everyone I fuck with, they're good people. 0.98
00:19:11.000 That's right. 0.98
00:19:13.000 We see each other, we're super affectionate and friendly, there's so much love.
00:19:18.000 I'm gonna steal from Joey Diaz and call you Joe Rogan.
00:19:22.000 Joe Rogan, you won't even know that you should get points for this and you would never even think that it was a nice thing to do, but Joe, you are the kindest This is why I say you have a Texas heart,
00:19:39.000 like this big Texas heart. 1.00
00:19:41.000 This is such a fucking sick place for you to be. 1.00
00:19:44.000 It's such a match for you. 1.00
00:19:45.000 Every time I go to the commie store and, you know, an open mic or a young comedian that doesn't have any health insurance or any money, you know, needs a surgery, needs a flight home, something, I'm always like, oh, you know, let me help out on that.
00:19:55.000 And they're like, Joe handled it.
00:19:57.000 It's like the way you give to comics, the amount of comics who probably didn't kill themselves because they got a platform on your show or they were able to tour with you or whatever it is.
00:20:07.000 People are forgetting that comedians, as much as we've worked on ourselves and we can sort of function, the mental illness in our community is real intense.
00:20:17.000 It's very intense.
00:20:18.000 It's 100% of us.
00:20:20.000 I don't mean to attack.
00:20:21.000 I'm not trying to judge anyone.
00:20:22.000 As someone that self-identifies that struggles with...
00:20:25.000 You know, I've been in 12-step programs for almost 13 years now. 0.99
00:20:29.000 I'm recovering codependent and Al-Anon and all that shit. 0.99
00:20:31.000 And I was in, like, the fucking love addiction thing. 1.00
00:20:34.000 Like, you know, the mental... 0.97
00:20:35.000 And part of the reason I want to do these outdoor shows is because I was like, if I was fucking 25 and just about to be featuring or just about to get on a, you know, Rogan or whatever it was, and then they said you can't do comedy for a year... 0.60
00:20:47.000 It's really devastating. 0.97
00:20:49.000 I probably would have blown my fucking brains out, you know, to have any kind of momentum. 0.99
00:20:53.000 And the amount of... 0.99
00:20:54.000 I mean, all these comics that already didn't have fucking money. 0.99
00:20:56.000 And so I was like, let's just keep doing fucking shows. 0.99
00:20:58.000 And when people clown on me for taking my shirt off, like, totally, it's ridiculous. 0.99
00:21:02.000 And I'm in this dumb minimizer bra. 0.98
00:21:03.000 Annie Letterman said, where do you get your bras? 1.00
00:21:05.000 The Holocaust Museum...
00:21:07.000 What is a minimizer bra?
00:21:09.000 It just makes your boobs kind of like flatter. 0.98
00:21:11.000 Oh. 0.61
00:21:12.000 You know what I mean?
00:21:13.000 Does that hurt?
00:21:13.000 Oh, that's not a minimizer bra.
00:21:16.000 This was like a thing that I was shooting.
00:21:18.000 There's a bunch of videos of her letting dudes grab her tips.
00:21:20.000 Well, because I'm so sick of not being able to touch people and connect with people.
00:21:25.000 Oh. 0.86
00:21:25.000 And I was just, I'm trying to, not only is it like fun for me, but just calling people up on stage and fucking hugging them and going like, we can't be scared of each other anymore. 0.86
00:21:33.000 Like there's this new thing where it's just like, you know, everyone's like flinching when they see each other. 0.78
00:21:37.000 There's such a physical trauma. 0.88
00:21:38.000 And I'm just trying to show like, I'm not fucking scared. 0.77
00:21:41.000 We followed all the rules. 0.97
00:21:43.000 We can go back to being human beings again because this isn't fucking healthy. 0.95
00:21:46.000 No, it's not. 0.89
00:21:47.000 We definitely can go back to being human beings again.
00:21:49.000 Some people are resisting it.
00:21:51.000 And publicly, like the people that talk, they say, like Fauci said, we're never going to go back to shaking hands.
00:21:57.000 And some people said you shouldn't hug or you should keep a mask on forever.
00:22:00.000 Look, respectfully, I disagree.
00:22:03.000 I don't think this is wise.
00:22:04.000 I think there's a bunch of missing elements in this whole thing.
00:22:07.000 But one of them is that...
00:22:09.000 When you take away people's ability to touch each other and be around each other, you greatly diminish the pleasure of being alive.
00:22:17.000 That's right.
00:22:17.000 That's exactly right.
00:22:18.000 It's a big factor.
00:22:19.000 It's a big factor in what we do and who we are.
00:22:21.000 You can't just take it out.
00:22:23.000 It's like, okay, you're going to eat food, but you're not going to drink water.
00:22:26.000 Like, what?
00:22:27.000 You're going to exercise, but you're not going to go to sleep.
00:22:29.000 Wait a minute.
00:22:29.000 Wait a minute.
00:22:29.000 I can't do that.
00:22:30.000 I need to go to sleep.
00:22:31.000 You need all the elements of being a person.
00:22:34.000 Oxytocin.
00:22:34.000 We need community.
00:22:36.000 We need comfort.
00:22:38.000 I bet if there was a chart of the anger in this country and the sadness, they all must have ramped up considerably over the last year.
00:22:46.000 And I think one of the good things about where we're at now is we have a real chance to consciously recognize that we may have all been kind of shitty to each other over the last year because we're all freaking out.
00:22:56.000 And let's instead of stop blaming each other, let's everybody just...
00:23:00.000 Everybody just go, okay, what's your intention?
00:23:02.000 My intention is to be a nice person and have a good time.
00:23:05.000 What's your intention?
00:23:06.000 I want to say, yeah, I wasn't proud of the way I behaved last weekend when I drank all that whiskey.
00:23:10.000 And everyone's like, cool, let's all go.
00:23:12.000 Tell me about that.
00:23:13.000 What happened?
00:23:13.000 Because I saw the clips, but I'm like, I don't want to ask anybody until I see someone.
00:23:17.000 Which one?
00:23:17.000 That podcast that you guys did, Giannis Papas, you, and what happened?
00:23:21.000 Five and a half hours.
00:23:22.000 Who else was it?
00:23:23.000 Me, Giannis Papas, and Mark Norman. 0.99
00:23:25.000 Okay, what the fuck happened? 0.99
00:23:26.000 We burned every bridge in Hollywood. 0.99
00:23:29.000 It's coming out next week. 1.00
00:23:30.000 And we just went apeshit on fucking everyone. 0.99
00:23:33.000 That's hilarious. 1.00
00:23:34.000 Were you fucked up? 0.99
00:23:36.000 You guys did five and a half hours. 0.99
00:23:38.000 I had a couple of these hard kombuchas I do.
00:23:41.000 Hard kombuchas?
00:23:42.000 Have you ever had it?
00:23:43.000 It's like I'm healthy but I'm also a drunk.
00:23:45.000 I'm a macrobiotic junkie.
00:23:48.000 Hard kombucha.
00:23:49.000 That is so hilarious.
00:23:51.000 It's like drunk yoga.
00:23:53.000 I don't feel hungover. 1.00
00:23:55.000 The next day you take the shit of your life. 1.00
00:23:58.000 Whoa. 1.00
00:23:58.000 Of your life. 1.00
00:23:59.000 I like it.
00:24:00.000 And I feel like I can't do hard liquor before I do stand-up, but I can have one of these when I'm on stage. 0.94
00:24:03.000 The shits of my life I used to take when I was drinking those kale shakes. 0.97
00:24:07.000 My god. 0.99
00:24:08.000 My god.
00:24:09.000 How do they compare with the- They were better than the carnivore diet ones.
00:24:12.000 Because the carnivore diet ones you couldn't control.
00:24:14.000 You were not controlling those. 0.98
00:24:16.000 It was like all of a sudden a fucking bomb went off in your apartment building and you're on the 10th floor and you have to make a decision whether you're jumping out the window. 0.99
00:24:23.000 But is it one a day or is it ongoing? 1.00
00:24:26.000 It's like out of nowhere you're like, oh fuck! 0.99
00:24:28.000 Like, you see that cat that jumped out of the window the other day? 1.00
00:24:31.000 The burning building?
00:24:32.000 A cat jumped five stories and landed on the ground.
00:24:34.000 Jesus.
00:24:35.000 Made it.
00:24:36.000 Walked away. 1.00
00:24:36.000 Cats are fucking insane. 1.00
00:24:37.000 Wild. 1.00
00:24:37.000 But that was where it was with me. 1.00
00:24:40.000 It was like, I might have to jump off this roof.
00:24:42.000 Like, there's no way I'm making it to the bathroom.
00:24:45.000 That sometimes happens to me right before I go on stage.
00:24:47.000 Oh, that's the best.
00:24:48.000 It's the nerves or something where you're...
00:24:50.000 They're like, and you know where from?
00:24:52.000 And you're like, oh... 0.99
00:24:53.000 I remember I was watching a documentary with Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Flea was on the toilet right before he went on stage, and he's like, there's nothing like a pre-performance shit. 0.98
00:25:01.000 And I was thinking there, as a person who analyzes physical performance, I was like, oh, that's probably a good idea to evacuate all your bowel. 0.93
00:25:09.000 Dissecting and of course I should really think of it as consideration of like different things I have to do before I go on stage I probably should actively seek to take a shit I should even time it so that when I go on stage I don't have anything that I'm like floating around inside my stomach where I might have to take a shit Let me ask you, because the first time I did a stand-up special, 0.93
00:25:27.000 the first recording, I puked an hour before, and I never puked out of nerves in my life. 0.94
00:25:32.000 That makes sense.
00:25:33.000 My body's like, we can't digest, we can't spend any energy on anything except this.
00:25:38.000 I have one solution that I do for the last three or four tapings.
00:25:43.000 I do hard cardio the day that I do the special.
00:25:47.000 Huh.
00:25:47.000 Yeah, I do hard cardio.
00:25:49.000 Do you think it wears you out a little?
00:25:50.000 100%.
00:25:51.000 Chills you out.
00:25:52.000 So by the time you get on stage, you're not overly pumped.
00:25:54.000 Yeah, you're too pumped.
00:25:55.000 You know, you don't want to be nervous.
00:25:57.000 And hard cardio, it chills you out.
00:25:59.000 Because if you can get through, like, hard cardio makes you struggle for prolonged periods of time.
00:26:05.000 There's like weightlifting struggling, but it's kind of like easy.
00:26:07.000 It's like, and it's over.
00:26:09.000 There's a thing about the grind, about hard cardio, where you don't want to keep doing it, but you do keep doing it.
00:26:15.000 Because it's so hard to do.
00:26:17.000 And then when you go to stand up, it's like, this hard I know how to do.
00:26:20.000 Now I've already experienced much harder during the day.
00:26:23.000 So this hard is acceptable hard.
00:26:25.000 And my thing with specials is just do during the day the thing you've always done when you're doing an hour here.
00:26:31.000 Don't make it this special different thing.
00:26:34.000 I don't try to expend a lot of energy on people.
00:26:37.000 I don't talk to friends or family before the show.
00:26:39.000 I don't let anyone come, agents, managers.
00:26:41.000 I have everybody come.
00:26:42.000 I just won't talk to you before the show because I don't want to be giving and I wouldn't do that before a show at the Houston Improv or the Allison Improv.
00:26:51.000 It gets in the way. 0.65
00:26:52.000 I try to kind of just hang out with whoever's opening do the same thing I've always done so it doesn't feel like a different show so I'm relaxed and not putting too much pressure on but let me ask you something because during the pandemic I did pick up some good habits beside the looking like fucking the witch from Hunger Games I started rowing. 0.97
00:27:11.000 Oh rowing's beastly. 0.94
00:27:12.000 Dude, there's this thing called the Hydro, and it doesn't have that moldy-ass bucket of water in the front.
00:27:17.000 Oh, it doesn't?
00:27:18.000 I didn't like that.
00:27:19.000 Bucket of water.
00:27:20.000 That was gross.
00:27:20.000 I would want that to be blood and pretend I'm blade.
00:27:23.000 Just elk blood splashing on your face. 0.66
00:27:27.000 I'm thinking of Blade.
00:27:28.000 I'm thinking of that opening scene.
00:27:29.000 By the way, one of the greatest opening scenes in the history of film.
00:27:32.000 The opening scene of Blade with Tracy Lourdes and Wesley Snipes.
00:27:36.000 Was she a porn star? 1.00
00:27:38.000 Am I making that up? 0.99
00:27:38.000 She wasn't just a porn star. 0.99
00:27:40.000 She was the first porn star to cross over into mainstream movies. 1.00
00:27:45.000 She was in John Waters' movie.
00:27:47.000 She was in Blade.
00:27:48.000 And she had a big role in Blade.
00:27:50.000 So she was a vampire in the beginning of Blade.
00:27:52.000 Go to the beginning of it because she picks this dude up in a car.
00:27:55.000 Oh, is that where it starts?
00:27:56.000 She's super hot and so she was driving this this guy around in a car and she picks him up and he's like wow I'm going back to this party with this hot chick and they get into this warehouse and I fucking I love this movie But I love this opening scene like it's one of my favorite opening scenes in any movie.
00:28:16.000 I'm seeing this for the first time.
00:28:18.000 This is what it is So they're going around.
00:28:20.000 We could talk, we'll do it.
00:28:20.000 We'll do it like a fight companion.
00:28:21.000 I love this shit. 0.99
00:28:22.000 So he takes her down, or excuse me, she takes, Tracy Lords takes this dude, this like California bro, down into this basement party. 1.00
00:28:29.000 So they're going through this meat locker.
00:28:31.000 So there's this hanging meat.
00:28:33.000 The tension is so intense. 0.99
00:28:34.000 One of them looks like a fucking human body and he's like, what? 1.00
00:28:36.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:28:37.000 So they're going through here, see? 1.00
00:28:39.000 Look at all the meat.
00:28:40.000 Yup.
00:28:40.000 And then look, he sees that one.
00:28:41.000 Looks like a fucking human body. 1.00
00:28:43.000 Guess what, Whitney Cummings, because it is. 1.00
00:28:45.000 That's you. 1.00
00:28:45.000 But he wants to fuck. 1.00
00:28:47.000 See, there's all these bodies hanging there! 1.00
00:28:48.000 And he's like, what's happening?
00:28:49.000 So he's like, listen, this girl's so hot, I'm going to go with her.
00:28:52.000 Oh, I see him, I see him, yep.
00:28:53.000 This is totally realistic. 1.00
00:28:55.000 This is how stupid men are. 1.00
00:28:56.000 So she kisses him, and he's like, oh my god. 1.00
00:28:58.000 And this guy's smiling, and then they go into the room. 0.99
00:29:00.000 And when they get into this fucking room, it's all dancers and vampires. 0.99
00:29:05.000 And he doesn't know they're vampires. 1.00
00:29:07.000 He thinks it's just a bunch of people dancing. 1.00
00:29:09.000 And everybody's having a good fucking time. 0.98
00:29:11.000 And there he is, partying it up with Tracy Lourdes, and then somewhere out of nowhere... 0.99
00:29:16.000 A little bit.
00:29:17.000 And so, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, some blood comes out of the ceiling. 1.00
00:29:20.000 Fuck, fuck. 1.00
00:29:20.000 You haven't seen this? 1.00
00:29:21.000 No!
00:29:22.000 Give it a little juice.
00:29:23.000 So all of a sudden, people are being mean to him.
00:29:25.000 Leave it right there. 0.73
00:29:27.000 So, watch this.
00:29:28.000 So people are being mean to him, and then he just feels some blood on him.
00:29:31.000 Uh-uh. 0.99
00:29:32.000 And he's like, what the fuck is going on? 0.99
00:29:33.000 Not good. 0.99
00:29:34.000 It's not good.
00:29:34.000 It's dripping.
00:29:34.000 He's trying to figure out where it's coming from.
00:29:36.000 Why is he licking it? 0.99
00:29:37.000 Because he's trying to figure out what the fuck it is. 0.99
00:29:40.000 It's dark. 0.99
00:29:41.000 That's right, Jamie.
00:29:42.000 So this is madness. 0.99
00:29:44.000 I just learned I'm getting a blowjob all wrong. 1.00
00:29:45.000 Some lady's giving head on a couch to a vampire. 1.00
00:29:48.000 And so he's like, what the fuck is going on? 1.00
00:29:50.000 Now watch this. 0.99
00:29:51.000 This is where it gets crazy.
00:29:52.000 He looks up and he realizes it's the sprinkler system.
00:29:56.000 The sprinkler system's got blood in it.
00:29:59.000 So as it comes spraying down on these people, and it's all this...
00:30:02.000 Dude, this is what I do with baby blood for my skin. 0.84
00:30:09.000 You hear the music?
00:30:11.000 You do that?
00:30:11.000 You're doing that baby blood?
00:30:12.000 Yeah, the adrenochrome.
00:30:13.000 I just have a sprinkler.
00:30:14.000 I just spray it all over my face. 1.00
00:30:16.000 That's that Northern California tech money shit. 0.99
00:30:17.000 So they're all dancing, so watch this. 1.00
00:30:19.000 It's like, ah! 1.00
00:30:20.000 And then he realizes, like, oh my god, they're fucking vampires. 1.00
00:30:23.000 So they all turn, their fangs are out, and he's freaking out, and Tracy Lord screams in his face. 1.00
00:30:29.000 This isn't good for him.
00:30:31.000 Oh, it's not good.
00:30:32.000 He knows the end is near.
00:30:33.000 He's in a jam.
00:30:33.000 He's up against the ropes.
00:30:35.000 The fucking end is near. 0.99
00:30:36.000 Like, oh my god. 1.00
00:30:38.000 Yeah.
00:30:38.000 Okay, so, okay.
00:30:40.000 So they start beating his ass. 1.00
00:30:41.000 He's gonna lose this. 1.00
00:30:42.000 Oh, it's not good.
00:30:42.000 It's not good.
00:30:43.000 Everything's going poor.
00:30:44.000 Poorly.
00:30:45.000 Poorly.
00:30:45.000 Boom.
00:30:46.000 He gets hit.
00:30:47.000 They throw him down. 0.98
00:30:48.000 They start beating the fuck out of him. 0.99
00:30:49.000 But then, watch. 0.86
00:30:51.000 Right when he thinks it's over, he's trying to crawl to safety.
00:30:53.000 Oh. 1.00
00:30:53.000 Oh shit. 1.00
00:30:54.000 Blade is here. 1.00
00:30:56.000 And all the vampires are scared of Blade.
00:30:58.000 Because Blade is half vampire and half human.
00:31:00.000 They call him the Daywalker.
00:31:01.000 Is that Wesley Snipes?
00:31:02.000 That's Wesley Snipes. 1.00
00:31:03.000 Oh shit! 1.00
00:31:04.000 In his fucking prime. 1.00
00:31:04.000 He's a vampire that doesn't pay taxes. 1.00
00:31:06.000 How do you fuck with that? 1.00
00:31:07.000 That's exactly what he is! 1.00
00:31:11.000 The IRS is scared of this guy.
00:31:13.000 First of all, I was a giant comic dork when I was a kid and Blade was one of my favorites because he had teak knives.
00:31:19.000 They were made out of wood so he could stab the vampires. 0.99
00:31:22.000 It has to be wood to kill him, right? 0.99
00:31:24.000 Not in this movie. 0.98
00:31:24.000 They changed it up. 0.98
00:31:26.000 They made new rules.
00:31:28.000 It was silver. 0.99
00:31:29.000 Wesley Snipes fucks up all these vampires. 0.89
00:31:32.000 Stick with the vampire facts. 0.99
00:31:32.000 Spoiler alert. 0.99
00:31:33.000 Wesley Snipes kicks the vampire's asses. 1.00
00:31:35.000 I was trying to find you. 0.99
00:31:37.000 There was this French movie I watched ages ago.
00:31:40.000 I used to be really into esoteric independent movies.
00:31:42.000 The vampire one with the little kid? 1.00
00:31:43.000 There's one, this must be 15 years old, where a woman, she goes around and, like, fucks guys and slowly eats them while she's fucking them. 1.00
00:31:50.000 Oh, boy. 1.00
00:31:51.000 And they show it all, and it is fucking, it is wild. 1.00
00:31:54.000 What's it called? 0.99
00:31:54.000 I'm trying to figure it out. 0.99
00:31:56.000 And there's, I'm going to be real, there's something sexy about it.
00:31:59.000 Listen, one of the sexiest horror films ever is a woman doing that to men. 1.00
00:32:04.000 It's Scarlett Johansson, Under the Skin.
00:32:07.000 Oh yeah, I never saw it. 0.97
00:32:08.000 Anything she does is fucking hot. 1.00
00:32:10.000 But it's crazy. 0.99
00:32:11.000 She plays this alien.
00:32:12.000 Raw.
00:32:12.000 Okay, this isn't it.
00:32:13.000 I have seen this, but there's one.
00:32:16.000 It's a French name, and I don't want to be Googling while I'm on the Joe Rogan program, but I'll find it for you later. 0.99
00:32:21.000 He's a one-handed Googler like a motherfucker. 0.99
00:32:23.000 Yeah, there's something fucking hot about blood, and no one will talk about it, but I'm happy to say it. 1.00
00:32:29.000 Well, hot female vampires, but actually hot male vampires, right? 0.93
00:32:33.000 Like Gary Oldman, the whole thing about that movie, that Dracula, was his romance with Winona Ryder.
00:32:38.000 That was a big part of that movie.
00:32:40.000 That was his beloved.
00:32:41.000 He wanted to come back for her.
00:32:43.000 He wanted her to become a vampire with him.
00:32:44.000 He wasn't sure whether or not he should turn her.
00:32:46.000 He loved her so much, he didn't know whether he should turn her into a vampire. 0.98
00:32:50.000 Well, and one of the biggest fucking movies of all time for the youngins is Twilight. 1.00
00:32:54.000 It's hot as fuck. 1.00
00:32:55.000 I'm going to tell you something. 1.00
00:32:56.000 It is hot as fuck. 1.00
00:32:57.000 I came back from Dubai. 0.99
00:32:59.000 I was on a plane.
00:33:00.000 This must have been 12 years ago.
00:33:03.000 It was like me, Kirk Fox, Dwayne Perkins, Rusty Dooley, whoever.
00:33:08.000 We all went to Dubai and we're sitting in the last...
00:33:12.000 Coach row.
00:33:13.000 And in those flights, there's like 12 seats in the middle row.
00:33:17.000 And we're stuck in the middle. 0.99
00:33:17.000 I have nothing to fucking do. 0.99
00:33:18.000 I'm going crazy. 0.99
00:33:19.000 There's like chickens on the plane. 0.99
00:33:20.000 I don't even know what the fuck's happening. 0.99
00:33:22.000 When you take a plane from the Middle East, it's just wild. 0.98
00:33:25.000 And there's no seat assignments.
00:33:27.000 Everyone just runs and gets the best seat.
00:33:29.000 It's chaos.
00:33:30.000 Southwest.
00:33:31.000 A giant Southwest with chickens. 1.00
00:33:33.000 So, and I started watching Twilight, and it is so hot because he's a vampire, she's human, and there's something so hot in our fucking bones about he could kill us at any fucking moment. 1.00
00:33:45.000 Yeah, women are ridiculous. 1.00
00:33:47.000 Imagine thinking like that about women. 1.00
00:33:49.000 Imagine wanting to date tigers.
00:33:52.000 That's what it is.
00:33:54.000 And I don't know if just because if women are on birth control, apparently our olfactory glands change because our body thinks it's pregnant. 1.00
00:34:01.000 So we're attracted when we're on birth control to more risk-taking alpha type men.
00:34:06.000 Oh, that completely makes sense.
00:34:08.000 Fascinating.
00:34:08.000 Yeah, like your baby needs to be protected even though you don't have one.
00:34:11.000 And so they say...
00:34:13.000 Does that make sense?
00:34:13.000 Exactly what it is.
00:34:14.000 And they say that if you're on birth control and you get engaged, wait a year and see if you still want to fuck him. 1.00
00:34:20.000 Go off birth control, see if you still want to fuck this guy. 1.00
00:34:24.000 Oh, that's interesting. 1.00
00:34:25.000 It totally changes.
00:34:26.000 I did a bit about it in my HBO special about how I went on birth control and everyone's like, I gained weight, I did this. 0.97
00:34:32.000 And I'm like, I started wanting to fuck guys that wore Axe body spray and had chain wallets. 0.99
00:34:37.000 You know, because you start being attracted to... 1.00
00:34:39.000 Did you?
00:34:40.000 Since when?
00:34:42.000 Listen, I'm a longtime supporter of the fanny pack. 0.92
00:34:44.000 I'm a longtime sufferer.
00:34:45.000 Can I tell you something?
00:34:46.000 You can. 1.00
00:34:46.000 I wear this fucking fanny pack you gave me. 1.00
00:34:48.000 It's pretty dope, right? 1.00
00:34:49.000 All the time.
00:34:49.000 People stop me on the street.
00:34:51.000 They usually are men with low ponytails, but they fucking love it. 0.99
00:34:55.000 I keep my charge charger on one side and my drugs on the other side. 0.99
00:35:00.000 You know what?
00:35:00.000 I got that from Dice Clay.
00:35:03.000 Really?
00:35:03.000 Yes.
00:35:04.000 Dice Clay came in with sweatpants, the most comfortable man alive.
00:35:08.000 He came in just loose.
00:35:10.000 And he had this fanny pack on. 1.00
00:35:12.000 I go, dude, that is a fucking sweet fanny pack. 0.99
00:35:14.000 Because I've always worn fanny packs. 1.00
00:35:16.000 But yours hugs the body.
00:35:17.000 Yeah, it's a good one.
00:35:18.000 But it's not mine.
00:35:19.000 It's Roots.
00:35:20.000 So what it is is he was wearing one.
00:35:22.000 I said, where'd you get that?
00:35:23.000 He said, oh, Roots makes it.
00:35:24.000 Oh! 1.00
00:35:25.000 So he gives me this fucking fanny pack. 1.00
00:35:27.000 There he is. 1.00
00:35:28.000 And it's a really nice one.
00:35:29.000 Yes, that's it.
00:35:30.000 So the origin of the higher primate fanny pack is the great and powerful Andrew Dice Clay.
00:35:35.000 But look at this.
00:35:36.000 It's got my Higher Primate logo smushed into it.
00:35:40.000 But it also has two pockets in the front.
00:35:42.000 Yes, his does too.
00:35:43.000 His does too.
00:35:44.000 Literally, it's 100% made by Roots.
00:35:47.000 It's their design.
00:35:48.000 It's the best fanny pack I've ever had.
00:35:50.000 But a lot of fanny packs, they make you just look like a fupa because they sag.
00:35:53.000 Right, right, right.
00:35:54.000 They come out too much.
00:35:54.000 Yeah, that's right.
00:35:55.000 This thing's perfect. 0.99
00:35:56.000 You can put your keys in there, you got your wallet in there, everything's fine, and you don't feel like an asshole. 0.95
00:36:00.000 You don't have like a giant float tube in front of you.
00:36:02.000 You can also put it on your back, which is kind of cool.
00:36:04.000 You definitely could do that.
00:36:05.000 I'll put it on my back.
00:36:06.000 Yeah.
00:36:06.000 And it's also high quality.
00:36:07.000 I feel like people that make fanny packs are like, we know the people buying these are poor, so they make them shitty. 0.98
00:36:13.000 Dude, when I was a kid, when I was 19 years old, me and this girl that I was dating would sit in my fucking car and listen to Andrew Dice Clay's cassette and howl laughing. 0.99
00:36:23.000 So just to know that dude and to have him recommend, oh, get this, it's fucking Roots! 0.98
00:36:29.000 It's from Canada! 0.99
00:36:30.000 Oh! 0.98
00:36:32.000 Dude, my favorite Dice shit is one time he was at, you know on Mondays, I don't know if they're still down at the Comedy Store now that they're kind of half open or whatever. 0.97
00:36:41.000 They're going to be fully open Monday. 0.97
00:36:42.000 Wild, I haven't been yet.
00:36:43.000 I've been here.
00:36:44.000 Fully open on Monday.
00:36:45.000 We're doing a show tonight, right?
00:36:47.000 Yeah, Creek in the Cave.
00:36:48.000 Yeah, Creek in the Cave is outstanding.
00:36:50.000 And then I'm doing Creek in the Cave and then I'm hopping over to Sunset Strip down the street.
00:36:54.000 Yeah, I want to see that place too.
00:36:56.000 Yeah, I think I'm going to go between shows.
00:36:58.000 Do they have an 8 and a 10?
00:36:59.000 How crazy is the Austin comedy scene already? 0.88
00:37:02.000 Dude, I always fucking love coming here. 0.89
00:37:05.000 I think I was gonna do South... 0.51
00:37:08.000 Did you ever do South by Southwest?
00:37:10.000 No. 0.98
00:37:10.000 They had a fucking great comedy section of their festival. 0.98
00:37:14.000 I don't love doing outdoor comedy. 0.98
00:37:15.000 Do you know what they offered me?
00:37:16.000 They offered me free tickets to see other shows.
00:37:19.000 Huh?
00:37:20.000 Yeah, they don't pay you.
00:37:21.000 They don't even pay to fly you out there or put you up.
00:37:24.000 They offered me free tickets to see other people work for free.
00:37:27.000 Your friends?
00:37:27.000 Go what?
00:37:29.000 I was like, what kind of an amazing Ponzi scheme do you guys have?
00:37:33.000 You should get Bernie Madoff out of jail right now.
00:37:36.000 Oh, he's dead.
00:37:37.000 Didn't he just die?
00:37:37.000 Here's the other thing about- Did Bernie just die?
00:37:40.000 Madoff?
00:37:40.000 Yeah, he just died.
00:37:41.000 Yeah.
00:37:42.000 Oh, I don't feel bad.
00:37:43.000 Is that weird?
00:37:44.000 No, you shouldn't feel bad.
00:37:45.000 I bet he doesn't feel bad.
00:37:46.000 Didn't his son kill himself?
00:37:48.000 Yes.
00:37:48.000 I think another person killed himself too in the organization.
00:37:51.000 It's a horrible, horrible, horrible story.
00:37:54.000 I've talked to people that really understand finance and they explained it to me.
00:37:59.000 These people, it's so rare to get that many super rich people and have them completely duped by a Ponzi scheme.
00:38:07.000 And that's what was so crazy about it, that he was so good and he had such a high return for so many years and so many people were coming to him that he constantly had this money coming in.
00:38:15.000 Which is to me, I get fascinated by when people, he's obviously a brilliant guy.
00:38:19.000 He's obviously super talented. 0.99
00:38:21.000 I get fascinated and a fucking hard-of-shit worker just in the wrong direction. 0.98
00:38:25.000 I get fascinated going like, well, this person's worth that ethic is fucking incredible and I'm impressed by this person, but you could have done it the right way with how smart you are. 0.99
00:38:34.000 Yeah, but he's not that smart. 0.95
00:38:36.000 Because if he was that smart, he wouldn't be stealing from people.
00:38:38.000 See, he's got energy.
00:38:40.000 Like, think of it as a car.
00:38:42.000 Think of it as a car, right?
00:38:43.000 Imagine if you had a car that handled like a 1968 Ford truck, right?
00:38:49.000 They're kind of sloppy on the road, but it went fast in a straight line like a Tesla.
00:38:55.000 It's like it's got one thing that it does really good, but it can't handle.
00:39:00.000 So it doesn't have emotions or empathy.
00:39:02.000 It doesn't care about other people.
00:39:03.000 It's stealing from people, but figuring out how to do it with this thing that requires pretty intense calculation and computation because he's trying to figure out how to manipulate all this money to make it look like he's investing things without showing people how he's investing things. 0.99
00:39:16.000 And all this money is getting returned to these people, but if they ask for money, he's fucked. 0.95
00:39:20.000 And that's what happened in 2008. And maybe because he's a psychopath or sociopath and lacks everything. 1.00
00:39:24.000 To me, I just can't lie because it's too emotionally exhausting.
00:39:28.000 The idea of lying that much to that many people is, to me, so much work.
00:39:32.000 You know what it is?
00:39:33.000 He got attached to people that were valuable.
00:39:35.000 That's one of the things that happened with that guy.
00:39:37.000 He got attached to people with high standards.
00:39:42.000 I think he ripped off Steven Spielberg.
00:39:44.000 Did he rip off Steven Spielberg?
00:39:46.000 I think Leonardo DiCaprio, if I'm not...
00:39:48.000 Maybe.
00:39:49.000 But Steven Spielberg is a... 1.00
00:39:51.000 He's a fucking icon. 0.99
00:39:53.000 If you rip Steven Spielberg, if Steven Spielberg invests his money with Bernie Maynoff, you're like, oh, we're good. 1.00
00:39:58.000 That's Jaws.
00:40:00.000 How can you say, like, I'm going to go rob the guy that made E.T.? Because he doesn't think he's robbing him.
00:40:06.000 Because he doesn't think it's ever going to end. 1.00
00:40:07.000 Because he's a crazy person.
00:40:08.000 But is this somebody that has convinced...
00:40:10.000 I'm obsessed with intention versus impact, and if you have a...
00:40:14.000 What's so insidious to me is the people that actually think they're doing the right thing.
00:40:18.000 A lot of people that steal, and we know ones that have stole from comedy clubs and stuff, they think they deserve it.
00:40:23.000 Right, they think that they should have gotten extra money, so they'll just steal it.
00:40:26.000 It should have been me, and they don't deserve as much as they have, so they feel like they're Robin Hood.
00:40:31.000 In their mind, they've deluded themselves, right? 0.96
00:40:33.000 I don't think they're going, I'm doing a fucking bad thing today. 0.94
00:40:35.000 I think they're like, this is what I deserve. 0.96
00:40:37.000 Well, there's also people that steal, like, from stores.
00:40:41.000 For the high.
00:40:42.000 Yeah, and also because they can get away with it.
00:40:45.000 But this is, like, a disassociative thing, right?
00:40:47.000 You're not thinking of the people you're stealing from as a person.
00:40:49.000 You're thinking that it's ultimately...
00:40:51.000 It's the same way we justify...
00:40:53.000 In a way, it's the same way we justify our country doing things in other countries, right?
00:40:58.000 Even military actions, we justify because it's not one person, it's sort of a collective, and there's a diffusion of responsibility involved with all these people.
00:41:07.000 But there's almost like a reverse diffusion of responsibility when it's you and it gets distributed.
00:41:12.000 All the loss gets distributed through a lot of people.
00:41:14.000 So a lot of people that are poor that steal things, they're not even thinking they're stealing from a person.
00:41:18.000 You can dehumanize a group. 0.99
00:41:19.000 Stealing from some fucking 7-Eleven. 1.00
00:41:21.000 They got plenty of money. 1.00
00:41:23.000 It's like this thing that happens.
00:41:25.000 Yeah, when I think 7-Eleven, I think they're just rolling in cash.
00:41:27.000 Yeah, they're stealing money. 1.00
00:41:28.000 Give me that fucking cigarette. 0.99
00:41:29.000 If someone swipes a candy bar or something like that, they're not being evil, but they have dehumanized the process of exchange. 1.00
00:41:37.000 And there is a level, yeah, of like justice sort of warrior vibe.
00:41:41.000 I definitely get that.
00:41:42.000 And I know that in sitting in so many 12-step program addiction meetings, like shoplifting is a real big high for a lot of people too.
00:41:50.000 And that I'm getting over one.
00:41:52.000 The adrenaline you get from doing graffiti in public places, stealing, like putting a leather jacket under the, like getting away, getting one over is like a big endorphin rush.
00:42:02.000 Did you ever bust it stealing something?
00:42:03.000 I've never...
00:42:04.000 I stole...
00:42:05.000 Okay, so my...
00:42:06.000 I'm actually going to go back and apologize.
00:42:08.000 I'm not even joking. 0.99
00:42:10.000 Because it fucking haunts me. 0.99
00:42:11.000 It haunts me to this day. 0.99
00:42:13.000 You know that one of the seven wonders of the world, correct me, Jamie, is that it's called Natural Bridge in West Virginia.
00:42:19.000 And I spent a lot of time in West Virginia as a kid.
00:42:22.000 My dad managed a hotel there.
00:42:23.000 And we went to a place called Natural Bridge.
00:42:25.000 And I shoplifted.
00:42:26.000 How about this?
00:42:28.000 Native American jewelry!
00:42:30.000 No!
00:42:31.000 No!
00:42:32.000 You stole double.
00:42:33.000 You double stole.
00:42:34.000 I mean, here's the word.
00:42:35.000 I double stole.
00:42:37.000 You double stole.
00:42:37.000 You stole the land.
00:42:38.000 To be fair, it might have been fake.
00:42:40.000 Oh.
00:42:41.000 It might have just been stolen designs by white people that I then stole back, which just balances everything out.
00:42:46.000 But yeah, I stole all these because I'm obsessed with horses and I found all these.
00:42:50.000 It was a Native American.
00:42:52.000 I'd have to look up the tribe in that area.
00:42:54.000 These like beaded necklaces that were in the shape of horses and I want them so bad and I stole them.
00:42:59.000 Well, how old were you?
00:43:02.000 Seven?
00:43:03.000 I was having this conversation...
00:43:04.000 I don't think you're responsible.
00:43:05.000 I was having this conversation with Lex Friedman today, and we were talking about student loan debt.
00:43:09.000 Because he was listening to a podcast that I did, and we were discussing on the podcast the amount of people that owe student loans.
00:43:16.000 And it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 million people.
00:43:19.000 It's some insane number.
00:43:20.000 And it gets higher every year you can't afford to pay it.
00:43:22.000 And they owe trillions of dollars overall.
00:43:25.000 And we were talking about it, and I said, in a way, it's kind of like...
00:43:31.000 We know, scientifically, we understand the development of the human brain.
00:43:37.000 Your frontal cortex doesn't fully develop until you're somewhere in the neighborhood of like 20-something years old, 25. Different from men, I think.
00:43:45.000 It's different.
00:43:46.000 I'm not allowed to say men and women, sorry.
00:43:47.000 Right.
00:43:48.000 Whatever it is, it's like it's in your 20s.
00:43:50.000 But yet by that time, you could be hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans and not understand the consequences of this.
00:43:57.000 That's right.
00:43:58.000 Not totally be able to wrap your head up.
00:43:59.000 Imagine going from high school to hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of debt in a period of 10 to 20 months.
00:44:05.000 That's right.
00:44:06.000 Like out of nowhere, all of a sudden you owe all this money.
00:44:08.000 Right.
00:44:08.000 Right.
00:44:09.000 Now you're 20, 21 years old.
00:44:11.000 You're still a child, essentially.
00:44:13.000 That's right.
00:44:13.000 Now you're going to grad school.
00:44:14.000 You're making the biggest decision of your life and you're putting yourself in an emotional and physical prison for the rest of your life.
00:44:18.000 And you're in this place where you're like, okay, now I have to go to grad school.
00:44:20.000 That's right.
00:44:21.000 Because I want a PhD, because whatever I want to do.
00:44:24.000 I want a master's.
00:44:25.000 And you're going into that and you're like, now you're more into debt.
00:44:28.000 That's right.
00:44:28.000 And now you get out and you're 25 and your occupation is evaporating for whatever reason.
00:44:32.000 Because?
00:44:33.000 Because machines took over.
00:44:34.000 I'm an eye surgeon.
00:44:35.000 Well, they have a little machine to do that now. 0.99
00:44:37.000 Lex Freeman probably fucking made it. 0.98
00:44:39.000 The machine. 0.99
00:44:40.000 The average debt for dental school graduates is $292,000.
00:44:45.000 And then how much do they make a year?
00:44:47.000 So how much do they make a year?
00:44:48.000 And how much can they...
00:44:50.000 Actually pay off per year, plus the interest they're getting charged every year.
00:44:54.000 Oh my god. 0.99
00:44:55.000 Imagine having that hanging over your fucking head when you get out of school. 0.99
00:44:58.000 Right when you get out, you owe $292,169 on average. 1.00
00:45:03.000 That's so insane.
00:45:04.000 That is wild.
00:45:05.000 And it also deters people from wanting to get educated.
00:45:08.000 It deters the very people that need to get educated. 0.97
00:45:10.000 Because a lot of people that aren't going to afford to go to these schools probably already have a job waiting for them at fucking Goldman Sachs or whatever. 0.96
00:45:16.000 My boyfriend is a critical care veterinarian. 0.89
00:45:20.000 And he doesn't have as much debt.
00:45:24.000 He paid a lot of it down.
00:45:25.000 But most people that are in their late 30s that are in the highest specialty veterinary school have $400,000 of debt. 0.99
00:45:33.000 And they just want to fucking save dogs. 0.99
00:45:35.000 Wow. 1.00
00:45:35.000 Crazy. 1.00
00:45:36.000 $400,000 in debt.
00:45:38.000 Here's the wacky part about it.
00:45:39.000 You can't get out of that.
00:45:41.000 You can't get out of that through bankruptcy.
00:45:43.000 It's one of the only kind of debts that you can't get out of. 0.98
00:45:45.000 Say if you have a business, you open up a fucking hat business with matches coming out of it. 0.97
00:45:49.000 With matches? 1.00
00:45:49.000 I'd be a fucking billionaire. 1.00
00:45:50.000 You'd be rolling in that cheddar. 1.00
00:45:52.000 If I go to LA and make them think that they're part of Texas culture, even though they hate Texas, they all dress like they live here now, but they loathe it.
00:46:01.000 Yes. 1.00
00:46:01.000 They wear cowboy boots up and down Los Feliz Boulevard, but they're like, fuck Texas! 1.00
00:46:06.000 They're just not here. 1.00
00:46:08.000 Wherever you're at, if you're in Detroit, you're like, fuck Florida. 0.99
00:46:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
00:46:13.000 It's just how it is. 0.99
00:46:14.000 Florida has some of the most beautiful beaches on the fucking planet. 0.99
00:46:16.000 I love Florida, dude. 1.00
00:46:18.000 Florida's amazing.
00:46:19.000 I'm going to perform in Clearwater.
00:46:20.000 I like their governor.
00:46:21.000 How about that?
00:46:21.000 I said it.
00:46:22.000 I don't know who she is.
00:46:23.000 Ron DeSantis. 1.00
00:46:23.000 It's a boy, you fucking sexist piece of shit. 1.00
00:46:25.000 Sorry, I am. 1.00
00:46:26.000 I don't believe in gender. 0.53
00:46:27.000 You just assumed.
00:46:27.000 I don't see gender.
00:46:28.000 You just assumed it was a girl because women are better, huh? 1.00
00:46:30.000 How does he identify?
00:46:31.000 He identifies as a male.
00:46:33.000 His name's Ron.
00:46:33.000 He's deluded and he will be a female any day now.
00:46:36.000 A girl named Ron.
00:46:41.000 I mean, I imagine a guy would figure it out.
00:46:44.000 For sure, if she's hot. 1.00
00:46:44.000 If there was just a stripper and her stage name was Ron. 1.00
00:46:46.000 Yeah, okay.
00:46:47.000 I'm like, okay.
00:46:48.000 But why is, like, Billy sexy on a girl?
00:46:51.000 Like, Billy, that's a hot girl name. 0.96
00:46:53.000 Let me tell you something. 0.99
00:46:53.000 Guys do not give a fuck about your name. 0.99
00:46:55.000 Like, your name could be... 0.99
00:46:57.000 Ross!
00:46:57.000 Your name could just be...
00:47:00.000 We don't care if you're hot and you're nice. 1.00
00:47:03.000 Like, why do you have to say her name like that?
00:47:04.000 That's what she wants, man.
00:47:05.000 Respect what she wants.
00:47:07.000 Ronnie works for girls sometimes.
00:47:09.000 I've known multiple Ronnies.
00:47:10.000 You know what?
00:47:11.000 You're right.
00:47:12.000 You're right.
00:47:12.000 They don't have teeth, but they're lovely.
00:47:14.000 Ronda, for sure.
00:47:15.000 Ronda.
00:47:16.000 I know.
00:47:17.000 Ronda's hot.
00:47:18.000 Ron.
00:47:19.000 Ronnie.
00:47:19.000 Ron.
00:47:20.000 This is Ron.
00:47:21.000 My friend Ron.
00:47:22.000 My friend, no, Ronald.
00:47:23.000 You are a...
00:47:24.000 Harry.
00:47:25.000 Harry does not work.
00:47:26.000 Harry is a man's name that does not work on a woman. 1.00
00:47:30.000 For a girl.
00:47:30.000 Right.
00:47:30.000 Harry.
00:47:31.000 Bob, I don't think.
00:47:32.000 Because it's Harry.
00:47:32.000 Harry is Harry.
00:47:34.000 It's the same thing.
00:47:35.000 It's not much difference between hair...
00:47:36.000 That's all I think is hair.
00:47:38.000 ...or Harry.
00:47:39.000 H-A-R-R-Y. That's a no-go. 1.00
00:47:40.000 This is my friend Harry.
00:47:41.000 Naming a baby Harry as a girl would be so funny.
00:47:44.000 That's evil.
00:47:45.000 That's a boy named Sue.
00:47:46.000 That's what Johnny Cash's dad did to him.
00:47:48.000 I'm only naming my kids joke names.
00:47:49.000 Oh no.
00:47:50.000 Their last name will be Cummings. 1.00
00:47:52.000 So they're already fucked. 1.00
00:47:54.000 I might as well just really... 1.00
00:47:55.000 Call it one of them already?
00:47:57.000 Do you know?
00:47:58.000 Do you know?
00:48:02.000 Unexpectedly.
00:48:03.000 This is my son unexpectedly.
00:48:05.000 Two things.
00:48:06.000 This is his sister already.
00:48:07.000 You know that my mom and dad, before they got married, my mom's main name was Cumming with no S. Married Eric Cummings with an S. She's Patty Cumming.
00:48:15.000 What?
00:48:15.000 Swear to God.
00:48:17.000 What?
00:48:17.000 I know.
00:48:18.000 Why didn't she hyphenate? 1.00
00:48:19.000 What is she, a fucking sexist? 1.00
00:48:20.000 It must have... 1.00
00:48:21.000 She should have done... 0.99
00:48:22.000 Well, by the way, how about this?
00:48:23.000 My dude...
00:48:23.000 That might be the only excuse to never hyphenate, because we could just meet in the middle.
00:48:27.000 I'd be willing to drop the S. I'm like, fuck this S. I don't need that S. A lot of people are merging last names instead of, like, I'm not going to take my husband. 0.99
00:48:36.000 Yeah, they should jump into a volcano. 0.99
00:48:37.000 All of them. 1.00
00:48:38.000 The fuck out of here. 0.91
00:48:39.000 I kind of want to, because if my dude's last name is Barnes, and if we merge it, I'd become Barnes. 0.97
00:48:45.000 Pfft! 0.63
00:48:46.000 Which I think might be worth it, Whitney Cumbarn.
00:48:48.000 I feel like we should.
00:48:50.000 I'm a feminist, my last name is Cumbarn.
00:48:52.000 Yeah, that should be your Tyler New York special, coming in a barn.
00:48:56.000 Yeah, Texas!
00:48:57.000 We're live from Texas! 1.00
00:48:59.000 Fucking cowboy hat and spurs and shit. 1.00
00:49:01.000 A lot of southern women, they have their first orgasm, horse girls on a horse, just saying. 1.00
00:49:07.000 Oh, well that is a thing, right? 0.60
00:49:08.000 It's a big thing.
00:49:08.000 That's a thing.
00:49:09.000 Yeah.
00:49:10.000 Girls and horses is a real thing. 1.00
00:49:11.000 I've heard that.
00:49:12.000 It's like a secret.
00:49:13.000 Yeah.
00:49:13.000 Well, you can figure out.
00:49:15.000 Makes sense.
00:49:15.000 I grew up riding horses.
00:49:16.000 There's a certain point where you're like, wait a second.
00:49:20.000 I'd like to go for a six-hour trail ride.
00:49:22.000 Wear a pair of satin underwear.
00:49:23.000 Yeah.
00:49:23.000 Oh, interesting.
00:49:24.000 Oh, I've never.
00:49:25.000 I'm MeUndies all the way.
00:49:26.000 No, no, no.
00:49:26.000 You want something slick.
00:49:28.000 Do you know the...
00:49:29.000 Right, if you're on a horse?
00:49:30.000 I'm not a girl, but if I would imagine, that's how you do it.
00:49:33.000 Maybe.
00:49:34.000 Yeah, something satin.
00:49:36.000 Something real silk.
00:49:38.000 Silk, that's what I meant to say.
00:49:39.000 I love guys talking sexy.
00:49:42.000 That's sexy talk for me.
00:49:43.000 That's how I do it.
00:49:44.000 Do you get your wife a satin teddy for...
00:49:51.000 I like that guys are so programmed to see shiny satin and they're like, yeah!
00:49:57.000 I've thought about this a lot.
00:49:58.000 What is lingerie saying? 1.00
00:50:01.000 Lingerie saying, I 100% want to fuck. 1.00
00:50:03.000 That's all it is. 1.00
00:50:04.000 No, no, no.
00:50:06.000 I'm not saying that if a girl says no, you... 1.00
00:50:08.000 No, I'm saying I want to fuck in 45 minutes after you look at my lingerie. 1.00
00:50:13.000 Don't tear it off. 1.00
00:50:14.000 Don't touch it.
00:50:15.000 Don't get crazy.
00:50:16.000 Don't come on it.
00:50:16.000 Right, right, right.
00:50:18.000 You've got to know the difference between the cheap and the expensive.
00:50:20.000 The cheap one from Amazon that's got...
00:50:23.000 So communication is key.
00:50:26.000 No, you've just got to look at it and know the quality.
00:50:29.000 The one that was made at the wet market that you bought on Amazon, that one you can rip off. 0.99
00:50:35.000 It's shitty, it's cheap. 0.94
00:50:36.000 But if it's the fancy stuff that looks like... 0.99
00:50:40.000 I'm such a feminist, but now I'm going to tie myself into a corset. 0.96
00:50:44.000 Okay, but honestly, I'm not defending feminists, but I am. 0.98
00:50:48.000 Isn't that part of being a feminist is that you can choose to be sexy and vulnerable if you want to? 1.00
00:50:54.000 100%. 0.99
00:50:54.000 See, this is where I think everything gets fucked up. 0.99
00:50:56.000 You're right. 0.99
00:50:56.000 When people think about what it means to be a feminist, you think, oh, it means like a dominant woman that wants to compete with men and win. 0.99
00:51:03.000 Nope.
00:51:03.000 Maybe it's just a person who just wants autonomy.
00:51:06.000 You want to be able to do whatever you actually like.
00:51:08.000 So if you want to dress in lingerie and wear high heels because you like it, isn't that part of what's being feminist? 1.00
00:51:15.000 And isn't the resistance to that is kind of like a lot of player hating.
00:51:19.000 It's like girls who are jealous about maybe girls who can achieve a certain look that they can't because of their body or because of just who they are, whatever it is. 0.56
00:51:28.000 There's a little weirdness going on.
00:51:31.000 You have to be a feminist, you have to be drab. 1.00
00:51:34.000 I mean, this is just the stereotypes, obviously. 1.00
00:51:36.000 But you have to be a woman who doesn't tolerate any masculine horse shit, any of the dumb stuff. 1.00
00:51:43.000 But some women like masculine horse shit. 1.00
00:51:45.000 And men like feminine horse shit. 1.00
00:51:47.000 Men like dumb shit, right? 1.00
00:51:50.000 Jamie, back me up here. 1.00
00:51:51.000 A little bit?
00:51:52.000 A little bit?
00:51:54.000 I just talked about this on my podcast about how there's this new thing now where feminism... 1.00
00:52:01.000 Are you talking into your neck like this?
00:52:02.000 Why am I? I have a hole in my neck from smoking so much academy. 0.99
00:52:06.000 I remember the old Bill Hicks joke.
00:52:08.000 Bill Hicks had a bit he used to do where he used to stick a thing and talk about smoking.
00:52:13.000 Okay, because there were commercials in the 90s with them.
00:52:16.000 Those guys would get that thing.
00:52:17.000 Have you ever talked to a guy who has one of these?
00:52:20.000 Have you ever talked to a guy who has one?
00:52:21.000 I don't even know they do those anymore.
00:52:22.000 No, but I did have a track coach in high school that had shot his face off trying to commit suicide. 1.00
00:52:28.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:52:29.000 Yeah, it was rough. 1.00
00:52:30.000 Hard to look at.
00:52:31.000 It made me run faster. 1.00
00:52:38.000 He would run beside us and just be like, Jesus, fuck. 1.00
00:52:42.000 And maybe run faster is the funniest thing anyone can ever say about Steven in the guy's face who got shot. 1.00
00:52:48.000 Oh my god.
00:52:49.000 He made me run faster.
00:52:52.000 This is waiting for you in your return. 1.00
00:52:54.000 Jesus fucking Christ, I got it, I got it. 1.00
00:52:55.000 Oh my god, that's so funny. 1.00
00:52:57.000 But you know how when someone shoots a gun, a lot of people that try to commit suicide, they don't know that the gun's going to jerk.
00:53:02.000 And so he tried to commit suicide like this and it jerked and it just shot his face off. 0.98
00:53:06.000 That's why you're supposed to do it in your mouth, right? 0.96
00:53:08.000 So it doesn't... 1.00
00:53:09.000 Yeah, or don't be a pussy. 1.00
00:53:10.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:53:11.000 Or just, I don't know.
00:53:12.000 Just hold it still.
00:53:13.000 Jump off a bridge like an adult.
00:53:14.000 I don't know.
00:53:16.000 Oh, you just said that.
00:53:17.000 A friend of mine just did that.
00:53:19.000 Sorry, but I'm gonna make you feel bad.
00:53:21.000 Okay, I'd have to know who the person is, and I'd have to see their old tweets to know if I support that decision.
00:53:27.000 I don't think he had a Twitter.
00:53:27.000 He was an older guy.
00:53:29.000 It's brutal.
00:53:30.000 Good friend of mine, though.
00:53:31.000 I'm sorry.
00:53:31.000 Golden Gate Bridge.
00:53:32.000 No, I was just gonna say, I watched that documentary about the people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, and it's fucked. 0.77
00:53:38.000 Yeah, I say he's a good friend of mine, but I appreciate people that I don't talk to all the time, unfortunately.
00:53:43.000 I thought they had nets now.
00:53:44.000 Don't they have nets?
00:53:45.000 Oh, no, no, no.
00:53:45.000 There's no net.
00:53:47.000 I don't think so.
00:53:48.000 How many people a year jump off the Golden Gate Bridge?
00:53:49.000 A lot.
00:53:50.000 Enough.
00:53:52.000 It's an issue.
00:53:52.000 Because for some people, it's the abyss, right?
00:53:55.000 There's something about the allure of the abyss.
00:53:58.000 You ever heard that expression?
00:53:59.000 No.
00:54:00.000 There's something that people see when they look off the side of a building that really freaks them out.
00:54:04.000 And part of what it is is that it freaks out this desire to just leap and end it.
00:54:09.000 Which to me is really fascinating because I'm obsessed with ancestral trauma and the phobias we inherit, the guilt we inherit, stuff like that.
00:54:18.000 Like the famous cherry blossom experiment.
00:54:21.000 I couldn't tell you who did it, but where...
00:54:23.000 Right.
00:54:32.000 Right.
00:54:40.000 I have friends that are so terrifyingly scared of heights.
00:54:43.000 And others, you know, my boyfriend's a rock climber. 0.99
00:54:46.000 He'll just climb to the fucking top. 0.98
00:54:47.000 But isn't it just that he's, like, conquering the fear that everyone has and then minimizing it with experience, right? 0.99
00:54:56.000 Because everyone's scared to fall off of a cliff.
00:54:59.000 Everyone is.
00:55:00.000 But some people, when they approach any kind of real challenge, they go, yeah, we're all terrified of that.
00:55:05.000 But if I can navigate it, wouldn't that make me less terrified of things?
00:55:10.000 Wouldn't that make me more empowered about how I live my own life?
00:55:12.000 Like what I was talking about earlier about hard cardio the day you do filming.
00:55:18.000 Because there's the adrenaline of that film.
00:55:19.000 There's some fear.
00:55:21.000 But what fear is it? 0.99
00:55:22.000 It's not going to be like minute 36 on the fucking stair climber when you're listening to Led Zeppelin. 0.99
00:55:27.000 And you just want to quit. 0.99
00:55:30.000 But you're going to keep going.
00:55:32.000 You're going to keep going.
00:55:33.000 You're going to burn yourself out.
00:55:34.000 You're going to push yourself to this weird place.
00:55:36.000 Right.
00:55:36.000 All that stuff, I think, gets encoded in our memory.
00:55:39.000 All of it.
00:55:40.000 Or our DNA. Yeah, whatever it is.
00:55:42.000 The epigenetic imprinting.
00:55:43.000 I'm fascinated by people's fear of public speaking.
00:55:46.000 You and I do not have that.
00:55:49.000 Yeah, but I did when I was young.
00:55:51.000 Interesting.
00:55:52.000 I was scared to talk to bank tellers.
00:55:54.000 I used to get social anxiety.
00:55:56.000 I was when I was poor, too.
00:55:57.000 Well, it wasn't even just that I was poor.
00:55:59.000 I was just weird.
00:56:00.000 I was real weird.
00:56:02.000 The glass and the...
00:56:03.000 I mean, it is, you know, to me, I think...
00:56:06.000 I read this whole thing.
00:56:08.000 It wasn't in Sapiens.
00:56:09.000 I read it in some book that I'm sure you've fucking read a hundred times, but about how our fear of public speaking is based in that if you are speaking in front of people, that means you are making your case to the tribe. 0.67
00:56:20.000 No, I learned about this from you. 0.95
00:56:21.000 Right?
00:56:21.000 You told me this.
00:56:22.000 Yeah, you told me this.
00:56:23.000 And I was like, oh, that makes total sense.
00:56:25.000 So much sense.
00:56:26.000 Yes. 1.00
00:56:26.000 You were fucked. 1.00
00:56:28.000 Yeah, so I'm fascinated by, there are some things I feel, and I know that I grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic home where, you know, the chaos was very normal, and so for me, I feel very alive in a time of crisis, and I feel anxious when things are going smoothly because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? 1.00
00:56:43.000 But I feel very comfortable in front of thousands of people who may or may not run on stage and hit me.
00:56:49.000 I think that for rock climbers, it's like, and comedians, my fear of not doing comedy It just outweighs my fear of going on stage and being embarrassed.
00:57:00.000 I see what you're saying there, and I agree with it. 0.99
00:57:04.000 What you said when you talked about talking in front of people, that if historically that was going on, you were fucked. 0.99
00:57:10.000 You're in real trouble. 0.98
00:57:10.000 I agree with that, but I also think there's another aspect of it. 0.98
00:57:15.000 The other aspect of it is you wanting to be the alpha.
00:57:19.000 You wanting to be the person that talks in front of all of these people.
00:57:23.000 Like if someone pays to see your show, they're seeing you do stand-up for a whole hour where you talk and they do not.
00:57:29.000 And it's very hard for people to do.
00:57:31.000 And some people can't.
00:57:32.000 And those are hecklers.
00:57:33.000 Some people just can't hang.
00:57:35.000 And also, not only are you coming to watch me talk, you're paying to watch me talk.
00:57:39.000 And if you say anything, security will remove you from the building.
00:57:42.000 Even though you pay.
00:57:43.000 That's right.
00:57:43.000 They'll kick you out if you disrupt and make it all about you.
00:57:46.000 Yeah, it's kind of wild.
00:57:47.000 To me, it's all about body language.
00:57:50.000 And this is why I'm so into horses and dog training and horse body language.
00:57:54.000 Didn't you try to save some bears while you were out here?
00:57:56.000 I did. 0.98
00:57:57.000 Texas, I fucking love Texas. 0.98
00:57:58.000 I got an angry text from Whitney about bears. 0.98
00:58:00.000 I love you guys.
00:58:02.000 She's saving bears out here.
00:58:04.000 She's mad at people. 0.64
00:58:05.000 I'm like, whoa.
00:58:05.000 Are you having fights already?
00:58:07.000 I fucking love Texas. 0.99
00:58:08.000 But when you have Texas and West Virginia, you're ready to fight anyone at any time. 0.99
00:58:12.000 Right.
00:58:12.000 And there are a lot...
00:58:14.000 There's an incredible amount of...
00:58:17.000 Animal cruelty in Texas that to me is against what Texas is all about.
00:58:21.000 Like, putting bears in boxes.
00:58:23.000 What was it called?
00:58:24.000 The Central Capital?
00:58:25.000 It was called the Capital Texas Zoo. 0.99
00:58:27.000 It's right fucking out here. 0.99
00:58:28.000 There's bears in cages. 1.00
00:58:29.000 The ones that the Chinese use to do the gallbladders. 1.00
00:58:34.000 Take them, you know, like the gallbladder, some medicine.
00:58:37.000 And they're in these cages and there's no water.
00:58:39.000 You mean black bears?
00:58:40.000 Is that what you're saying?
00:58:41.000 I'll show you.
00:58:42.000 It must be a black bear.
00:58:43.000 Yes, I got the name.
00:58:44.000 Do you know that gallbladder thing is like, it's so bad that you're not allowed to, even if you legally hunt a bear, you can't open up its organ cavity because people are worried that people are shooting bears just for their gallbladders in British Columbia?
00:58:57.000 That's right.
00:58:58.000 The Asiatic black bear. 0.97
00:59:00.000 And this bullshit capital of Texas Zoo, which is trying to say it's like rescuing them, is all about the Asiatic black bear as a species whose population is rapidly decreasing due to illegal hunting for its gallbladder, which is used in Asian folk medicine. 0.99
00:59:14.000 And then you're going to fucking put it in a box and not give it any water. 0.99
00:59:17.000 That pisses me off and it's a USDA violation. 1.00
00:59:19.000 So I go around to these like bullshit. 0.99
00:59:21.000 Are you calling these people out publicly right now on this podcast? 0.99
00:59:25.000 I guess I just did, didn't I? This is a real problem for them.
00:59:30.000 You understand that, right?
00:59:31.000 You just opened hell's door. 1.00
00:59:33.000 It's a real problem for me because these motherfuckers have guns at all times. 1.00
00:59:36.000 And it is a really dangerous thing for me to be into. 1.00
00:59:40.000 Remember, I did it with the giraffe and those fucking crooks in LA. And most of it I do privately. 0.99
00:59:45.000 Yeah, Malibu fucking safari. 0.97
00:59:48.000 So this thing out here, how did you find out about this? 0.96
00:59:50.000 I found out about it because I'm in a pretty hardcore group of people that try to shut down illegal behavior, zoos, roadside zoos.
01:00:01.000 And I know, it's like, Whitney's crazy.
01:00:02.000 She loves animals. 1.00
01:00:03.000 Who gives a shit? 0.99
01:00:04.000 To me, once I started learning the statistics on whenever there's exotic animal trafficking, it's usually accompanied by human trafficking. 0.99
01:00:11.000 It's all the same people.
01:00:13.000 So when you see a lion running free in Houston or private ownership of lions, tigers, bears, any apex predator, there's usually teenagers from another country in the same truck. 0.55
01:00:24.000 So it's like dogfighting.
01:00:26.000 People are like, oh, it's just dogfighting.
01:00:28.000 Who cares?
01:00:29.000 That's what's in the front yard. 1.00
01:00:30.000 But if you see that in the front yard, go into the fucking basement and see what else is fucking going on. 0.98
01:00:35.000 So that's what the top three most profitable black market businesses, right? 0.99
01:00:42.000 It's arms, drugs, and then human slash animal trafficking.
01:00:46.000 So it's the same people.
01:00:48.000 No one traffics jaguars and doesn't throw in a couple people.
01:00:51.000 You know what's weird?
01:00:52.000 Pause and think about this for a second.
01:00:54.000 It's weird how we have associations with animals where there's acceptable torture and death, and some where it's not.
01:01:03.000 And with exotic animals, we're especially sensitive.
01:01:07.000 Especially sensitive to the idea of killing bears or putting bears in cages.
01:01:12.000 But if you found out that chickens are in a cage right next door, you're like, well, that's a chicken factory.
01:01:16.000 They're making McNuggets.
01:01:17.000 They gotta do what they gotta do.
01:01:18.000 And they're delicious. 1.00
01:01:19.000 Put some honey on that shit. 1.00
01:01:20.000 But you know what I'm saying? 1.00
01:01:21.000 And I think I know...
01:01:22.000 What is that?
01:01:23.000 I can say why.
01:01:24.000 Because when you see an apex predator, a lion, tiger, or bear, that's so incredibly strong, you know...
01:01:30.000 How much abuse had to go into containing that animal because they're so incredibly strong. 0.99
01:01:35.000 You know, Michael Jackson, I mean, the fucking asshole in L.A., Bob Dunn, I'm going to say it, who puts chimpanzees in cages so that they don't build any muscle. 0.99
01:01:44.000 If you're seeing a chimpanzee, a lion, tiger or bear in a cage, they were they had to they got to be on fentanyl. 1.00
01:01:50.000 They're on all these drugs.
01:01:52.000 Natasha Daly wrote a really amazing fentanyl.
01:01:54.000 Oh, yeah.
01:01:55.000 The ones in Thailand?
01:01:56.000 They put chimps on fentanyl?
01:01:57.000 Oh, they put them in cages like this so that they don't grow any muscle. 0.99
01:02:00.000 And any chimp, like Michael Jackson's chimps, there were three of each. 1.00
01:02:04.000 So they all have the same name?
01:02:05.000 Well, there's Chubbs. 1.00
01:02:07.000 Yes, there was like a Chubbs 1, a Chubbs 2, and then a Bubbles 1 and 2. Because after a year, you can't hold a chimp in a tuxedo. 1.00
01:02:13.000 It's going to rip your face off. 0.97
01:02:14.000 Right. 1.00
01:02:14.000 Just beat your ass. 1.00
01:02:15.000 So after about a year, they send it off to experiments. 1.00
01:02:18.000 There's one actually in a zoo in Armadillo, Texas, one of the chubs. 0.99
01:02:22.000 I know where all Michael Jackson's fucking animals are. 1.00
01:02:24.000 That's my fucking hunting. 1.00
01:02:26.000 What? 1.00
01:02:27.000 Really?
01:02:27.000 You know where all of Michael Jackson's animals are?
01:02:29.000 I mean, a lot of them are sold for experiments.
01:02:31.000 Oh, Jesus, no.
01:02:32.000 The elephants are kind of spread out.
01:02:34.000 They were sold for experiments?
01:02:36.000 The chimps were.
01:02:36.000 Like lipstick?
01:02:37.000 What kind of experiments?
01:02:38.000 I mean, chimp experiments, Space Odyssey sequel. 0.97
01:02:43.000 Space Odyssey sequel? 0.52
01:02:48.000 A lot of colleges and universities, the ones that are fucking waiting around for their student loans and imprisoning people financially, do a lot of experiments on college campuses. 0.52
01:02:56.000 So I don't do a lot of this publicly because I'll get murdered. 0.97
01:02:59.000 Can you imagine you go from living in the fucking castle, living in the Michael Jackson Neverland castle, to getting experiments done on you and you don't understand English? 0.95
01:03:07.000 And you're like, what is happening? 0.99
01:03:09.000 I had the life. 1.00
01:03:10.000 I had the fucking life. 1.00
01:03:11.000 Now I'm strapped in and they're experimenting on me. 1.00
01:03:14.000 I went from being fucked by Michael Jackson to being probed, you know, in Texas. 1.00
01:03:21.000 What the fuck? 0.99
01:03:22.000 It was, but chimps, you know, I mean, they get so fucking strong, they have to keep them in cages so their muscles don't build, they don't feed them any protein, and then they inject them with, you know, I mean, there's one university, which I'm not going to say right now because I'm, 0.99
01:03:37.000 like, getting all my fucking ducks in a row, but they put Botox in their muscles so they don't develop any muscles. 0.92
01:03:43.000 Did I ever tell you about the time I went to a tiger place in Thailand? 0.99
01:03:46.000 Brutal.
01:03:46.000 Did I tell you about this?
01:03:47.000 No.
01:03:48.000 We did a bunch of animal things, me and my family in Thailand.
01:03:51.000 We did one of them that was really cool.
01:03:53.000 We hung around with elephants and you fed them.
01:03:55.000 I had it on my Instagram page.
01:03:57.000 You give them sugarcane and you wash them.
01:03:59.000 As long as you're not riding them.
01:04:00.000 No, you do ride them.
01:04:01.000 Okay.
01:04:02.000 But they want you to ride them.
01:04:03.000 They let you. 1.00
01:04:03.000 You weigh as much as one of those stupid hats with cigarettes in it. 1.00
01:04:07.000 Totally. 1.00
01:04:07.000 That's what you weigh to an elephant. 1.00
01:04:09.000 But I didn't like it.
01:04:10.000 Yeah, what they have to do to get them that compliant is pretty brutal, you know?
01:04:15.000 Not in this place.
01:04:16.000 In this place, first of all, these animals are completely wide open and they're free-ranging.
01:04:20.000 Sheldrick Trust does a great job, too.
01:04:21.000 If they raise them from being babies...
01:04:23.000 They do that, but they also take animals from circuses and reintroduce them to the wild.
01:04:29.000 Because while you're walking with these elephants, they just grab a tree and start eating it. 0.97
01:04:33.000 They can do whatever the fuck they want. 0.96
01:04:35.000 And they're so not intimidated by you in any way. 0.98
01:04:38.000 And the relationship that the trainers had with the elephants was love.
01:04:42.000 It was all...
01:04:43.000 Petting and giving them sugar cane.
01:04:45.000 They gave them food, and they were always washing them.
01:04:48.000 And when you have this, they did it very smartly.
01:04:51.000 Because a lot of these elephants, if you reintroduce them to the wild, they'll die right away, and the elephants will actually kill them.
01:04:55.000 But this place in Thailand, they have successfully reintroduced many to the wild.
01:04:59.000 And one of the things that they did is, you don't just ride the elephant.
01:05:02.000 You have a relationship with it.
01:05:04.000 Yes, that's it.
01:05:05.000 So they bring you over, like, this is the elephant that you're going to have a relationship with, and you're going to feed him sugar cane and wash him.
01:05:12.000 That makes me so happy.
01:05:13.000 So I'm handing them sugarcane.
01:05:14.000 They take it gently with their trunks.
01:05:16.000 They're sweet, sweet animals.
01:05:18.000 Well, that's amazing.
01:05:18.000 Do you remember the name of this place?
01:05:20.000 Because I always love to promote the good places.
01:05:22.000 I do not remember, but we stayed in Chiang Mai, and it was an hour maybe outside of that, not that far away.
01:05:28.000 But the way they did it was, it was all about what you paid for for that experience would go towards funds.
01:05:35.000 Awesome.
01:05:35.000 To help these animals and reintroduce them to the wild and also get them from circuses and rescue them from some other places.
01:05:42.000 I didn't like the riding part.
01:05:44.000 But everybody else wanted to do it.
01:05:46.000 But my thought was like, I like to feed you and I'll wash you.
01:05:49.000 I want to be your friend.
01:05:50.000 I don't need to get on top and be You're like, wee, I'm riding you.
01:05:52.000 That's a language elephants understand. 0.98
01:05:55.000 And I think that the really shitty places, which is most of them, give the good ones a bad name, which sucks. 0.98
01:06:00.000 I went to one. 0.98
01:06:01.000 I went to Koh Samui.
01:06:03.000 And I don't remember in Thailand where I went to one and you go there and everyone's riding them.
01:06:09.000 And then you look down and there's just chains between their feet.
01:06:11.000 And it crushed me because I thought I was going to this amazing sanctuary.
01:06:15.000 Right.
01:06:22.000 Right.
01:06:37.000 The fact that they're in this cage, what had to happen in order to confine them that way?
01:06:41.000 I mean, what happened for someone to put you in a cage? 1.00
01:06:44.000 They'd have to fucking shoot you with darts. 0.99
01:06:46.000 You know, so it's so heartbreaking to see powerful animals be reduced to a fucking zoo exhibition. 1.00
01:06:55.000 A shelf trinket. 1.00
01:06:56.000 It's sick. 1.00
01:06:57.000 And look, a lot of animal people are fucking crazy as shit. 1.00
01:07:01.000 And as we say, animal people aren't always people people because a lot of people that are real big in animal rescue have a lot of childhood trauma. 1.00
01:07:08.000 They were neglected, they were abused as kids, and they see something voiceless. 0.97
01:07:12.000 And that can't, you know, send emails or make phone calls being abused and they go fucking nuts. 0.99
01:07:16.000 So I don't fuck with a lot of animal rescue people because they're not rational. 0.99
01:07:20.000 My thing is like, let's focus on changing a law instead of trying to get every fucking elephant out of every zoo. 0.99
01:07:25.000 But, you know, I think that, you know, someone like you, I think we're similar in that we see how fucked up it is to have an apex predator in a box. 0.98
01:07:34.000 Yeah, we went to the elephant thing, and the elephant thing, it actually felt good. 0.88
01:07:39.000 Because these elephants, they came over the top of the hill.
01:07:43.000 They just showed up out of nowhere.
01:07:44.000 There's no fences.
01:07:45.000 They came over the top of the hill, and they come when they know that they're going to bring out the sugar cane, and they're going to meet these people.
01:07:50.000 And they're choosing to do it.
01:07:51.000 And the way they meet you, they just walk right up to you.
01:07:53.000 I'm telling you, it's wild.
01:07:55.000 They bump into you.
01:07:57.000 They bring their face to you and you pet them.
01:07:59.000 You go, hello.
01:08:00.000 Nice to meet you.
01:08:01.000 Yeah, they like being pet.
01:08:02.000 Are they the smartest animal after chimpanzee?
01:08:04.000 I believe.
01:08:05.000 Well, they can paint.
01:08:06.000 They might be smarter than chimps.
01:08:08.000 They can paint things.
01:08:11.000 They can't solve complex puzzles like chimps do.
01:08:13.000 Chimps can spell things.
01:08:14.000 Chimps can do a lot of stuff, but they remember their loved ones, their family members, for decades and decades.
01:08:21.000 It kills me.
01:08:22.000 They've reintroduced ones after more than 10 years apart, and they recognize each other instantly, and they run and hug, and they're rubbing trunks and everything.
01:08:30.000 It's wild.
01:08:31.000 They're dinosaurs.
01:08:32.000 Well, there's something interesting. 0.99
01:08:33.000 They're the closest we have to fucking dinosaurs. 0.99
01:08:35.000 And you look at them, and there's this place, Pawsark. 0.99
01:08:37.000 I don't think they've been around that long.
01:08:39.000 Interesting.
01:08:40.000 I mean, but they feel like the way they move.
01:08:42.000 It is like Jurassic Park.
01:08:44.000 They're special.
01:08:45.000 There's something special.
01:08:45.000 It's Snuffleupagus.
01:08:47.000 I mean, it's also like, you know.
01:08:48.000 Just the fact that something exists like that. 0.90
01:08:50.000 That's so goddamn big. 0.52
01:08:52.000 And yet it'll, like, if you're nice to it. 0.97
01:08:54.000 Gentle.
01:08:54.000 Like, here's the thing.
01:08:55.000 It's like, you really can't keep a fucking tiger as a pet in an open area. 0.99
01:08:59.000 But you can in Thailand with these elephants. 0.99
01:09:02.000 Like, the relationship they have with people is very different.
01:09:05.000 Like, that thing just walks up to you, you can pet it. 0.98
01:09:07.000 There's not a fucking chance in hell you could do that with a tiger. 0.99
01:09:10.000 There's not a chance in hell you would let one of your friends or your children get on a tiger. 0.99
01:09:16.000 I mean, and if they do, anyone touching any apex predator, that's abuse.
01:09:20.000 They have to take the cub from the mom right away. 0.97
01:09:24.000 They have to dart the mom with the tranquilizer. 1.00
01:09:26.000 Yeah.
01:09:27.000 When everyone's like, I'm holding a bear cub.
01:09:29.000 I'm holding a tiger cub. 1.00
01:09:29.000 It's like, you think that the mom just fucking willingly gave that shit up? 1.00
01:09:32.000 No, and then it's not getting any of the breast milk. 1.00
01:09:35.000 So they have all these autoimmune issues and their spines don't develop properly.
01:09:38.000 So the place that I work with in Alpine, it's all these...
01:09:43.000 Bears that have been in cub petting as adults and they can't really walk well. 1.00
01:09:47.000 They're all fucked up. 0.97
01:09:48.000 Once you see the aftermath of what happens with any kind of tiger bear, I mean, they have about six months and they just send them off to either get killed or to get can hunting or whatever that stuff is. 1.00
01:10:00.000 They hunt tigers?
01:10:01.000 They put a tiger or a lion that's never been in the wild, that's only been held by humans.
01:10:07.000 They definitely do that with lions in Africa.
01:10:09.000 In these canned hunting facilities, and the lion sees a person and is like, hey, what's up?
01:10:13.000 And then someone shoots it.
01:10:14.000 Exactly.
01:10:15.000 And you're like, well, that's not hunting. 1.00
01:10:16.000 That's fucking fish in a barrel. 0.99
01:10:17.000 Not only that, the lion doesn't go very far from where they release it, because it doesn't have a territory. 1.00
01:10:22.000 But it sees a human, and it's like, oh, I'm about to get a Big Mac from this human. 0.83
01:10:25.000 I don't think they think that way.
01:10:26.000 Or, sorry, they go, that's a Big Mac! 0.99
01:10:28.000 I think immediately if they see a person, they want to kill it.
01:10:30.000 But the point is, it's not really hunting.
01:10:33.000 It's not like you're going into the wild animals.
01:10:35.000 They literally let it go a day or two before the hunt.
01:10:37.000 But you've seen Tippi Hedren and these things where they bottle-raise them, so they're not going to attack someone that bottle-raised them?
01:10:43.000 I don't think they do that on those farms.
01:10:45.000 Have you ever seen Louis Theroux, his documentary?
01:10:48.000 I love him.
01:10:48.000 I love him, too.
01:10:49.000 I've had him on a couple times.
01:10:51.000 I love his, yeah.
01:10:52.000 He's been on twice?
01:10:53.000 The Scientology one? 0.64
01:10:53.000 No, he's been on a couple times. 0.64
01:10:55.000 I love him.
01:10:56.000 But he had a great special that he did about going to these hunting camps in Africa, where they raise these animals specifically to be released and hunted.
01:11:06.000 And he stayed there for a long time.
01:11:08.000 He's so thorough. 0.99
01:11:09.000 He got in with this guy and got very close with this guy that was running this, and he got him irritated to the point where the guy was like, Africa is fucked! 0.99
01:11:18.000 And this guy was talking about why he did it. 1.00
01:11:21.000 And he's like, it's fucked. 1.00
01:11:23.000 And he's like, you know, these animals are fucked. 1.00
01:11:25.000 And he was basically explaining the only way these animals have any value is if they're worth money to kill. 0.99
01:11:32.000 That's why there's high populations of them, which is really wild because they used to be on the verge of extinction, a lot of them.
01:11:38.000 And they've regrown their numbers substantially just because there's businesses that are designed so that people, that's the guy, so people can go over there and hunt these animals.
01:11:47.000 Did you see, just to try to understand this from all sides, which I obviously have done so much to try and empathize with, there was an article, I don't remember what op-ed it was, but I think it was a mother from Kenya that wrote an op-ed about why we don't cry for lions.
01:12:07.000 Because in a lot of areas, you're not afraid of men or guns, you're afraid of a lion attacking your child on their way home from school.
01:12:14.000 Or you.
01:12:15.000 Yeah, and it was a very interesting thing where it's like, oh, I'm so far removed of what it's like to just have wild lions around my home. 1.00
01:12:21.000 Fuck that. 1.00
01:12:22.000 I'd fucking shoot one in the face if I had to. 1.00
01:12:24.000 But that's the thing, Whitney, because they're not a general threat to us. 1.00
01:12:28.000 They're a threat if we run into them, but we're not going to encounter a lion.
01:12:31.000 So we think of them as something that we need to protect. 0.99
01:12:34.000 But if we were living in the wild and they were out there with us, we would want to kill them and hunt them. 0.98
01:12:40.000 I do it with coyotes all the time.
01:12:41.000 When coyotes come up, I'm like, coyotes are so cool, and I honor them. 0.99
01:12:44.000 As soon as they get near my dog, I'm going to fucking strangle them with my bare hands. 0.98
01:12:47.000 But I also like to just respect and honor, you know, because it's just cool. 1.00
01:12:52.000 I also think that the way that, you know, because people always think that they can change everyone's mind with an Instagram post or a fucking tweet. 0.95
01:13:00.000 Be kind to people. 0.97
01:13:01.000 Dude, there are certain people that are just...
01:13:03.000 That works on me.
01:13:03.000 It doesn't.
01:13:04.000 You just read an Instagram and you're like, oh, I guess I'm going to change my vote now that a Hollywood actress posted about it.
01:13:09.000 Whereas it's the way that our brains are wired.
01:13:12.000 So when people talk about these big issues and think they're going to be solved with one fucking tweet or even one vote for a candidate, it's like you're going to have to rewire the way people see power, like the way that kids see powerful things enslaved at such a young age.
01:13:26.000 They're saying, oh, if I'm more powerful than something, I can just use it for my own amusement. 0.91
01:13:30.000 So a lot of psychiatrists talk about how seeing these powerful animals at such a young age confined shows them like, yeah, I can use things for my own benefit if I have power.
01:13:41.000 And then people talk about abuse of power, but they don't talk about that most kids, the way their brain is developed, they're watching it on animals first.
01:13:47.000 Well, the only attraction to wanting to control a big, strong animal like that is to show that you have dominance over the scariest thing that's out there.
01:13:54.000 That's right.
01:13:55.000 Yeah.
01:14:15.000 Yeah, for sure.
01:14:16.000 But there's a thing that people like to just be close to it.
01:14:19.000 You know, when I was in Thailand and we did the elephant thing, the elephant thing was kind of cool because you see they were free.
01:14:24.000 But the tiger thing was not cool at all.
01:14:26.000 Because a lot of them are sedated.
01:14:28.000 100%. 0.99
01:14:29.000 Yeah, it sucks. 0.98
01:14:30.000 So there's like puppy, or cubs rather. 0.98
01:14:32.000 And the cubs are loose.
01:14:34.000 They're wild.
01:14:35.000 They jump around.
01:14:35.000 They swat at you.
01:14:36.000 They roll around.
01:14:37.000 And you feel them. 0.94
01:14:38.000 You're like, oh my God, you're like a week away from being able to kill me. 0.95
01:14:40.000 Yeah.
01:14:41.000 They're so, it's weird.
01:14:43.000 Tiger cubs are weird.
01:14:45.000 Yeah.
01:14:45.000 Because they're these little murderers, you know, but they're like small enough.
01:14:49.000 You're like, hey, fuck off. 1.00
01:14:50.000 Even a Savannah cat. 1.00
01:14:52.000 Do you know about Savannah cats?
01:14:53.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:14:53.000 I know someone who was trying to get a new home for a Savannah cat because he got two Savannah cats and it just destroyed his entire house.
01:15:01.000 And just saying hi to the kid, it would just rip half of its eyelid off.
01:15:05.000 Yeah.
01:15:05.000 And it's just trying to snuggle.
01:15:07.000 You know, these things are fucking money. 1.00
01:15:08.000 They're little murderers. 1.00
01:15:10.000 I mean, they're designed to eat whatever the fuck can't run as fast as they do. 1.00
01:15:13.000 Dude, and when you see a panther and a cheetah at this fucking Texas roadside zoo, it just drives me nuts. 0.99
01:15:18.000 But there is in Northern California a place called Pawsark. 0.99
01:15:23.000 There's an elephant. 0.98
01:15:24.000 It doesn't do visits, but we could fucking go. 0.97
01:15:27.000 And you see these lions and tigers in what they call tolerable cruelty, and you see them free in action. 0.97
01:15:32.000 Wow, that's a funny expression.
01:15:34.000 Tolerable cruelty is what we try.
01:15:36.000 Do they let them kill animals? 0.84
01:15:37.000 Yes.
01:15:38.000 They do.
01:15:39.000 Ooh, that's heavy.
01:15:39.000 They get dogs from animal shelters and just throw them in.
01:15:42.000 I'm kidding.
01:15:43.000 I'm joking.
01:15:43.000 Oh my God.
01:15:44.000 But here's the thing.
01:15:45.000 Why would that bother me more than a goat?
01:15:48.000 Because it would. 1.00
01:15:49.000 If you said, yes, they release goats, I'd be like, well, fuck those goats. 1.00
01:15:53.000 But if you said they release golden retrievers... 1.00
01:15:55.000 If I saw my dog Marshall, Marshall was walking, well, I guess this is a new place to walk, and then Marshall sees a lion running his way, he's like, hello friend!
01:16:06.000 What is the plan?
01:16:08.000 Because I was, in Texas there's bears.
01:16:11.000 There are some black bears in Texas.
01:16:13.000 Black bears are the ones you do not play dead.
01:16:14.000 Grizzly, you play dead.
01:16:15.000 Well, listen, it's all nonsense. 1.00
01:16:18.000 If a bear decides to fuck you up, they fuck you up. 1.00
01:16:21.000 Grizzly is trying to play dead as if she has cubs. 1.00
01:16:25.000 She just wants to remove a threat.
01:16:26.000 She's not trying to eat you. 0.99
01:16:27.000 But she might be hungry.
01:16:29.000 So if she's hungry, she tries to eat you.
01:16:30.000 So your hope is that she just thinks she's removing a threat and you can play dead when she's not hungry. 1.00
01:16:35.000 But if she's hungry and she already killed you, she'll fucking eat you. 1.00
01:16:38.000 She'll try you out. 1.00
01:16:39.000 They eat each other.
01:16:40.000 Did you ever see that documentary, Grizzly Man?
01:16:43.000 Yes.
01:16:44.000 I love it.
01:16:46.000 It's my favorite unintentional comedy.
01:16:48.000 Did you ever hear the...
01:16:50.000 No, it's not real.
01:16:52.000 The audio?
01:16:52.000 No, it's not real.
01:16:53.000 No.
01:16:54.000 No, it's fake.
01:16:54.000 Yeah, there's no released...
01:16:56.000 Werner Herzog deleted all of the footage, including the audio.
01:17:00.000 Well, there was only audio, but the camera lens was on.
01:17:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:17:03.000 The lens cover was on.
01:17:05.000 Werner Herzog listened to it and decided to never release it.
01:17:08.000 So there's a fake one that's out there on the internet, but once you know it's fake, you listen, you're like, oh.
01:17:14.000 Wanna hear it?
01:17:16.000 Let's hear it, because it sounds so cool.
01:17:17.000 Can we hear it or we get in trouble?
01:17:18.000 A friend of mine is this guy, Ned Zeman, who wrote the first article.
01:17:21.000 I think he heard it, the real one, and had to take it off right away.
01:17:25.000 That's how Werner Herzog was.
01:17:26.000 That's why he said, do not release this.
01:17:28.000 Didn't finish it.
01:17:28.000 Yeah, he said, do not release this.
01:17:31.000 You know, Werner Herzog, he's made many amazing documentaries and films, and the one on the cave paintings in France, have you ever seen that one?
01:17:42.000 No, cool. 0.94
01:17:43.000 It's really good, but I think Grizzly Man is his fucking, that's his magnum opus. 0.97
01:17:48.000 Is it true that, because he was buddies with the bears, whatever that means, and he brought a girl who was on her period? 0.98
01:17:54.000 No.
01:17:55.000 No.
01:17:55.000 That's not what happened?
01:17:56.000 No, no, no.
01:17:57.000 Definitely not.
01:17:58.000 100% not.
01:17:59.000 What happened was there was an old bear that was going into hibernation very late because it didn't have enough fat.
01:18:04.000 It was still hungry.
01:18:06.000 But he had his girlfriend or something with him.
01:18:08.000 The girlfriend didn't matter. 1.00
01:18:09.000 I just mean it's just funny to me that he's like, hey, come check this out.
01:18:12.000 No, I'm not 100% sure on what I'm saying, but what my understanding is, from talking to guides and people that really understand wildlife management, bears and animals, there's a certain time where you don't want to encounter them in the wild because they're desperate.
01:18:30.000 So if it's that cold out and they haven't gone into hibernation yet, they might be desperate for calories.
01:18:35.000 And he might have had food out.
01:18:36.000 He might have had jerky open.
01:18:37.000 He might have had that hot pocket fired up on the grill.
01:18:40.000 He had that little fox buddy.
01:18:42.000 He made friends with a fox.
01:18:44.000 I love foxes.
01:18:44.000 It was my favorite part of the movie, other than when the sheriff called him retarded.
01:18:48.000 You see that part? 0.93
01:18:49.000 I thought he was retarded. 1.00
01:18:50.000 Did you see that? 0.84
01:18:51.000 I forgot about that. 1.00
01:18:52.000 The sheriff was like, why are you hanging around with these bears in the middle of the fucking woods? 0.99
01:18:57.000 Like, what are you doing? 1.00
01:18:58.000 You're camping there for months at a time?
01:19:00.000 Well, at the end of this guy's life, he shouldn't have been there because he was in the late fall time where the bears are supposed to already be hibernating. 0.98
01:19:07.000 So the bears that are out are fucking desperate and one of them just died to kill him. 0.99
01:19:11.000 You get arrogant with these animals. 0.99
01:19:12.000 It's something. 1.00
01:19:13.000 A lot of these fake charities that I'm obsessed with fucking with. 0.98
01:19:17.000 Oh, is this a thing? 0.98
01:19:18.000 Oh, this is the fake volume.
01:19:21.000 This is the fake voice.
01:19:23.000 Hear how fake that is?
01:19:24.000 That's not real.
01:19:25.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
01:19:26.000 There you go. 1.00
01:19:26.000 Shut it up. 1.00
01:19:27.000 That's Don Barris doing his set. 0.99
01:19:30.000 That's Don Barris killing. 0.99
01:19:31.000 Yeah, that's fucking Brian Holzman doing his next record. 1.00
01:19:34.000 But this fucking guy, what he was doing was against all sound practices if you're going to be around apex predators. 0.99
01:19:44.000 There's a system set in place. 1.00
01:19:46.000 And the system is to recognize people that are straying from the herd.
01:19:49.000 Whether it's an animal or a person. 1.00
01:19:51.000 Anybody who's doing something stupid, you're fucking up. 1.00
01:19:53.000 That's right. 1.00
01:19:53.000 So there's a thing that happens, right? 1.00
01:19:55.000 As it gets older, the animal gets less and less viable, so it starts attacking males because it's jealous.
01:20:01.000 That happens with giraffes, with a lot of animals.
01:20:03.000 Even if they're not sexually viable anymore, they have to remove them from the population.
01:20:06.000 They've done that with rhinos, even though rhinos are endangered, because one male rhino that's no longer viable was killing multiple rhinos.
01:20:15.000 There was a famous case where Corey Knowles, a guy who was on this podcast, who talked about it with us.
01:20:21.000 He had bid to be the guy who killed this rhino.
01:20:25.000 And everybody was like, this is crazy. 0.88
01:20:27.000 You want to kill a rhino?
01:20:27.000 There's only 5,000 of them.
01:20:29.000 He's like, you don't understand.
01:20:30.000 This rhino's killing more rhinos. 0.99
01:20:31.000 You have to kill this rhino. 0.99
01:20:32.000 They're gonna kill this rhino no matter what because it costs more money to transport this rhino to another place than it does to kill it. 0.99
01:20:38.000 And if you do transport to another place, you have to put it in isolation because if it's around other males, it's gonna kill them. 0.96
01:20:44.000 So he was explaining this like, this is really complicated shit and he paid, I think it was like a quarter million dollars, something, Crazy to go and kill a rhino and CNN went with him and followed him when he did it But it was an opportunity for them for him to sort of educate them like yeah There's there's these places where these these canned hunts where they let lions out but there's also moments where as a Conservationist calling there they have to do something about this crazy rhino that can't fuck anymore He's killing the other rhino right right because one guy will kill he already killed two and he was on the way to killing more there's there's 0.98
01:21:14.000 in um So this is Corey Knowlton. 1.00
01:21:17.000 I'm sorry, I said Corey Knowles.
01:21:18.000 Corey Knowlton.
01:21:19.000 And Corey talked about it on the podcast.
01:21:21.000 He's like a super rational guy.
01:21:22.000 Now, I should state really clearly, this is not something I'd want to do.
01:21:25.000 I don't want to go and kill a rhino.
01:21:27.000 But they ate that rhino, too. 0.98
01:21:29.000 That's the other thing.
01:21:30.000 The people that, like the local villagers, apparently, like elephants and rhinos taste delicious.
01:21:35.000 It sounds crazy.
01:21:36.000 That is, I mean, I remember going, there's still ivory around.
01:21:39.000 Do you know that on the, you know the list of when you're married, the gift you give every year?
01:21:43.000 It's like wood.
01:21:44.000 Ivory's on the list? 1.00
01:21:45.000 Ivory's on that fucking list. 1.00
01:21:46.000 It drives me nuts. 1.00
01:21:47.000 That's wild.
01:21:47.000 But when I, I love La Jolla Comedy Store, one of my favorite places on the planet to perform, but when I walk around La Jolla, there's like ivory in the galleries in the window, and you're just like, what the?
01:21:55.000 Real ivory?
01:21:56.000 Yes.
01:21:57.000 That's crazy.
01:21:58.000 Wild.
01:21:58.000 Does it matter with ivories on the piano?
01:22:03.000 I would imagine it doesn't, because it's not the ivory that makes the sound.
01:22:06.000 Oh, that can't be real.
01:22:07.000 Oh, it used to be.
01:22:08.000 Whitney, that was all pianos.
01:22:09.000 It was tickling the ivories. 0.80
01:22:10.000 Oh, sick.
01:22:12.000 Yeah.
01:22:13.000 But also elephants, I know that in – because sometimes I go in with – I'm like, oh, I'm going to build a new enclosure for – there's this guy, Ed Stewart, in Northern California who shut down Barnum& Bailey.
01:22:24.000 And they fucking – I mean Barnum& Bailey, they have a billion dollars. 1.00
01:22:28.000 I mean they are fucking – they made so much money off that shit. 1.00
01:22:31.000 And they're in Florida now. 1.00
01:22:33.000 And he shut him down and he was harassed. 1.00
01:22:36.000 The neighbors were paid to fuck with him and sue him and poison animals. 1.00
01:22:42.000 There's so much money in Animal Exhibition on getting a bear to sit on a fucking beach ball. 1.00
01:22:47.000 There's so much money in it. 1.00
01:22:48.000 And these people are criminals.
01:22:50.000 I mean, that guy Doc Antle that was all over the Tiger King documentary. 0.74
01:22:53.000 Which one's Doc Antle?
01:22:54.000 The one that runs the, remember the Osho cult, like the Wild Wild Country? 1.00
01:22:59.000 Oh, yeah?
01:22:59.000 He's part of that.
01:23:00.000 What?
01:23:01.000 His name is Bogvan Antle.
01:23:02.000 Oh, that's, he's a part of the Osho cult? 0.99
01:23:04.000 Oh, dude.
01:23:05.000 I didn't know that. 1.00
01:23:05.000 The guy is a fucking psychopath and he has a record. 1.00
01:23:09.000 He's killed someone. 1.00
01:23:10.000 First of all, I think he's a living god and I think you're out of line.
01:23:13.000 I think.
01:23:14.000 I don't think he killed anybody.
01:23:15.000 Did he kill somebody? 1.00
01:23:16.000 Dude, this motherfucker is such a fucking psychopath. 1.00
01:23:18.000 He's a pimp. 1.00
01:23:19.000 Is that Amy Schumer? 1.00
01:23:20.000 Bullshit. 1.00
01:23:20.000 Stop. 1.00
01:23:21.000 Right?
01:23:21.000 Who's that guy in the back?
01:23:23.000 I didn't hear you.
01:23:24.000 I'm deaf in my left ear from the back.
01:23:25.000 That's Rusty Dooley in the back.
01:23:27.000 No, that is Tony Hinchcliffe in the back.
01:23:30.000 That's Tony!
01:23:30.000 It's the Golden Pony.
01:23:33.000 They're exhibiting a golden pony down.
01:23:35.000 Is that Jessica Curzon? 0.98
01:23:36.000 And Jessica Curzon is so fucking funny. 1.00
01:23:39.000 I met her the other night. 0.85
01:23:39.000 She's really nice. 0.85
01:23:40.000 Dude, her tweets are hilarious. 1.00
01:23:42.000 Everybody keeps telling me, I've not seen her act, but everybody keeps telling me how fucking funny she is. 0.87
01:23:46.000 And I met her the other night. 0.90
01:23:47.000 She's the sweetest, purest person, like so friendly.
01:23:51.000 Last night, Tim Dillon was showing me her first Tonight Show set from 11 years ago. 0.93
01:23:55.000 It was fucking hilarious now. 0.62
01:23:57.000 He was like, this is one of the best. 0.95
01:23:58.000 Who was hosting the Tonight Show 11 years ago?
01:23:59.000 Guess it was Jay Leno.
01:24:01.000 Okay.
01:24:01.000 How long do you think Jimmy Fallon hangs on there?
01:24:04.000 It's a rough gig.
01:24:05.000 After the blackface thing? 1.00
01:24:07.000 Oh.
01:24:08.000 Here's what I'll say.
01:24:09.000 He didn't know.
01:24:10.000 Why didn't Lor Michaels apologize for that?
01:24:12.000 It wasn't just him.
01:24:13.000 There's tons of writers on the show.
01:24:15.000 That felt like he was out there just being like, I'm sorry I did that.
01:24:18.000 When there's a whole lot of people, someone applied the makeup.
01:24:21.000 Well, it's just we have to recognize as a culture, there's a difference between the way people think of blackface today versus people think of blackface 10 years ago.
01:24:28.000 I don't know why.
01:24:29.000 I don't know why.
01:24:31.000 I'm super for it. 1.00
01:24:32.000 I've done a lot of stupid shit. 1.00
01:24:33.000 I haven't done that one. 1.00
01:24:33.000 I just think if you're on a television show where there's tons of writers that wrote, like a lot of, everyone should have said, we were off that. 1.00
01:24:41.000 Imagine, hold on for a second.
01:24:43.000 Imagine if you wanted to do a film about Al Jolson.
01:24:47.000 You know who Al Jolson was?
01:24:48.000 Yeah, of course.
01:24:48.000 Al Jolson was like the most famous of the guys who were minstrel singers who dressed up and put on like crazy blackface.
01:24:58.000 Not like regular blackface. 1.00
01:25:00.000 Like the big lips and the...
01:25:02.000 Cartoonish blackface. 0.88
01:25:03.000 That's right. 1.00
01:25:03.000 Now, if somebody wanted to do, like, look at that fucking crazy picture. 1.00
01:25:08.000 Why? 0.97
01:25:09.000 Imagine that this was like a style.
01:25:11.000 Jamie, just pull that out.
01:25:12.000 This was a style of entertainment.
01:25:13.000 This was a style of entertainment.
01:25:14.000 Yes.
01:25:14.000 Look at this.
01:25:15.000 Now, and this is like historically.
01:25:18.000 Right.
01:25:18.000 This is actually an important part of our culture.
01:25:20.000 Right.
01:25:20.000 We don't address this.
01:25:22.000 Is that Justin Trudeau?
01:25:24.000 We don't look at this.
01:25:24.000 I don't think that is.
01:25:25.000 He was brownface. 1.00
01:25:26.000 Dude, Justin Trudeau's was applied so impeccably.
01:25:29.000 Pretty good.
01:25:30.000 Doesn't feel like the first time he done it.
01:25:32.000 It was like some...
01:25:33.000 Dude, it was like around his nail bed perfectly. 1.00
01:25:36.000 10,000 hours shit. 1.00
01:25:39.000 Look at that picture. 1.00
01:25:43.000 Brutal.
01:25:43.000 What does that say?
01:25:44.000 Downs it again in what?
01:25:46.000 This is an older version of him.
01:25:47.000 Oh my god, I thought that was Ronnie Dangerfield for some reason.
01:25:49.000 In editorial stock.
01:25:50.000 Oh, so this was like his thing where he would go places like later on in his life.
01:25:55.000 He's way older there.
01:25:56.000 Yeah.
01:25:57.000 Hot take. 0.79
01:25:58.000 Hot take. 0.79
01:25:59.000 Jimmy Fallon should play Al Jolson.
01:26:00.000 That's what I'm saying.
01:26:01.000 In the movie directed by Spike Lee.
01:26:03.000 Oh, Jesus.
01:26:04.000 But here's my thought.
01:26:07.000 You couldn't get someone to do that.
01:26:09.000 This is how the robots are going to win.
01:26:12.000 CGI is going to create a digital blackface, and it will do so under... 0.92
01:26:17.000 You know how an elevator door is closing, or a garage door is closing, and you slide in right before it closes?
01:26:24.000 Indiana Jones!
01:26:24.000 Yeah, right.
01:26:25.000 With a big stone wall.
01:26:26.000 Yeah.
01:26:27.000 That's what this is going to be.
01:26:28.000 This is going to be digital blackface. 0.97
01:26:29.000 You're going to be able to do it because it's not a real person.
01:26:31.000 And it'll be a digitally generated voice, so we don't have to worry about anybody being an actual racist pretending.
01:26:37.000 It'll all just be CGI that shows us as Al Jillson.
01:26:41.000 So all these actors are going to have to act with like, they're going to be like Jurassic Park.
01:26:46.000 You know Jurassic Park?
01:26:47.000 You gotta pretend the dinosaur's there, but there's no dinosaur there?
01:26:49.000 They're gonna have to pretend Al Jolson is there.
01:26:52.000 They're gonna have to interact with no one.
01:26:54.000 They read their lines.
01:26:55.000 The fake Al Jolson isn't even there, because they're gonna CGI him in later.
01:27:00.000 Dude, let me ask, remember?
01:27:02.000 And they're gonna realize he's really good.
01:27:03.000 He's better than Brad Pitt.
01:27:04.000 I'm just gonna say it. 0.99
01:27:05.000 The digital Al Jolson, he's fucking amazing. 0.97
01:27:08.000 It is made by Lex Friedman. 1.00
01:27:11.000 Yeah, I want to fuck this stuff. 0.99
01:27:12.000 It's going to be totally Lex Friedman. 0.99
01:27:13.000 What happened to the 3D... Remember in Coachella they had a 3D... Tupac.
01:27:18.000 Yeah, Tupac and maybe...
01:27:19.000 Way too jacked.
01:27:20.000 Like Tupac went to CrossFit.
01:27:22.000 Remember?
01:27:23.000 There's like Tupac.
01:27:24.000 He was on that on it diet.
01:27:25.000 He was built like Yoel Romero.
01:27:27.000 He was so jacked.
01:27:28.000 Even Tupac fans were like, okay, easy.
01:27:30.000 Settle down.
01:27:30.000 Easy.
01:27:31.000 He wasn't doing creatine.
01:27:32.000 He was a good looking guy, but I mean, this is...
01:27:34.000 He's a dedicated person you're an image of.
01:27:37.000 Zoe Saldana played Nina Simone.
01:27:40.000 This was like the thing.
01:27:41.000 Remember?
01:27:41.000 And they put some makeup on her.
01:27:43.000 She's half black. 0.78
01:27:44.000 And they just came for her recently. 0.52
01:27:47.000 For what?
01:27:47.000 To just go, you're half black and you played Nina Simone.
01:27:50.000 You fucked up. 1.00
01:27:51.000 You do look at it and you're kind of like, oh, that was a wild... 1.00
01:27:54.000 Someone walked onto set and no one was like...
01:27:59.000 Nina Simone is someone that Dave Chappelle listens to right before he goes on stage over and over and over again on a loop.
01:28:07.000 He does it all the time. 0.99
01:28:09.000 That's an incredible fucking story. 1.00
01:28:10.000 And he rants about it. 1.00
01:28:13.000 He's backstage pacing before we go up, and he's playing Nina Simone. 0.97
01:28:17.000 It's like, do you understand how fucking strong this material is? 0.92
01:28:20.000 Do you understand how strong this song is? 0.96
01:28:22.000 Look at this performance.
01:28:24.000 Look at the magic in this. 1.00
01:28:25.000 And you and I are just like, do we need to take a shit? 0.99
01:28:27.000 No, he revels in other people's greatness. 0.99
01:28:31.000 He's watching this Nina Simone thing, and he's just...
01:28:34.000 Just ranting.
01:28:35.000 I'm not doing it justice.
01:28:36.000 If you were there and you saw how much reverence he had for this recording and this film, and he would play it over and over again.
01:28:43.000 He's got a giant boombox he brings with him, one of those JBL giant... 0.99
01:28:46.000 It's called a boombox.
01:28:47.000 I have one in my gym. 1.00
01:28:48.000 They're the shit. 1.00
01:28:48.000 They're really loud. 1.00
01:28:49.000 You can throw them in the ocean.
01:28:50.000 They're waterproof.
01:28:51.000 But he carries that thing everywhere.
01:28:53.000 So he's playing this.
01:28:54.000 So it's crystal clear sound, and he's got the video playing on his phone for the YouTube. 1.00
01:28:59.000 And you're like, fuck! 1.00
01:29:00.000 Wow. 1.00
01:29:01.000 And he's just, it's something about not just the performance of Nina Simone, but Dave Chappelle taking in that performance of Nina Simone.
01:29:08.000 And like circling, like Dave's got a cigarette in his hand, he's pacing in a circle, talking about how amazing it is.
01:29:14.000 Magic!
01:29:14.000 Someone's gotta shoot, I mean that is like, that must be like chills down my spine.
01:29:18.000 Just memories.
01:29:19.000 What's your number one pre-show song?
01:29:21.000 Oh, there was a lady on stage once at the improv, and she was bombing, and it was unfortunate.
01:29:27.000 It was me.
01:29:28.000 No, it wasn't you.
01:29:28.000 It was someone who was real recent to the game, and she was on stage, and she would have a premise, and she wouldn't follow through, and they were short, and she didn't expand on an idea, and she was going from one premise to a completely unrelated premise.
01:29:45.000 It was clunky, and she wasn't doing well.
01:29:47.000 And I was going on two from there, with one other person than me.
01:29:51.000 And I looked at the schedule and me and the DJ, we were like...
01:29:55.000 And I go, it's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll.
01:29:58.000 And so later on that night, I was going on stage like...
01:30:03.000 So good, so good.
01:30:05.000 It's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll.
01:30:10.000 So that's what I do every time I'm on stage now.
01:30:13.000 That's my opening song, is a long way to the top.
01:30:15.000 I love that Pavlovian thing.
01:30:17.000 And when I hear the song I'm going up to outside of stand-up, I'm like, no, no, I don't want to hear it anywhere except when I'm going on!
01:30:25.000 Turn it on!
01:30:25.000 Get it paid!
01:30:27.000 Do you have a power song when you're working out that's like your last mile of running, your last, your journey, your fucking... 0.99
01:30:33.000 You want to hear the most embarrassing thing about me? 0.98
01:30:35.000 I've seen John Wick 150 times in a row at times.
01:30:42.000 Or it's fights or John Wick.
01:30:43.000 And I put it on the scene where they're going into the bathhouse and he kills everybody?
01:30:48.000 Yes!
01:30:48.000 Right after the fight, he finds out who the guy is who killed his dog and stole his car.
01:30:54.000 By the way, I'm all for that movie because he's all about saving a pit bull. 1.00
01:30:56.000 I would spray people with bullets if they fuck with my pit bulls. 1.00
01:31:00.000 What's a little beagle puppy that he kills? 1.00
01:31:01.000 The bad people kill a beagle puppy first.
01:31:04.000 Then he gets a pit bull later in the movie.
01:31:06.000 Beagle's the most tested on animals in labs because they're the most forgiving.
01:31:14.000 Oh, I believe that.
01:31:15.000 Yeah.
01:31:15.000 Beagle Freedom Project is what I work with.
01:31:16.000 I work with these beagles and they got all the numbers tattooed on their ears and stuff.
01:31:20.000 Yeah, that's his little puppy.
01:31:21.000 Oh, buddy!
01:31:23.000 Whether it's a beagle or it looks like a beagle, whatever it is, it's a cute little dog.
01:31:25.000 Why is Keanu Reeves so hot?
01:31:27.000 Because he's sweet.
01:31:28.000 He's kind.
01:31:29.000 He's sweet.
01:31:29.000 That's why.
01:31:30.000 He's kind.
01:31:31.000 He's genuinely kind.
01:31:32.000 You are too.
01:31:33.000 A lot of people don't know it, but you are too.
01:31:34.000 Yeah, but I'm also more primitive.
01:31:39.000 I'm clunky.
01:31:40.000 But the more primitive someone is, the more emotional you kind of have to be to be able to navigate.
01:31:44.000 Like, you know, your Instagram post, I almost shed a tear when you came out of the sauna.
01:31:50.000 It's true.
01:31:50.000 I always want to talk about it like right when I get out because right when I get out I'm like extraordinarily vulnerable.
01:31:56.000 You're on your deathbed?
01:31:57.000 You're about to pass on? 0.71
01:31:58.000 Yeah, I'm about to die.
01:31:59.000 I'm 26 minutes into it. 0.98
01:32:01.000 It was like 202 degrees or some shit. 0.99
01:32:03.000 It's fucking hot. 0.99
01:32:04.000 Do you have someone waiting? 0.99
01:32:05.000 No.
01:32:05.000 Standing by?
01:32:06.000 No, no nets, Whitney.
01:32:08.000 There's no nets.
01:32:09.000 This is how you do things.
01:32:11.000 Okay.
01:32:11.000 There's no nets.
01:32:12.000 No...
01:32:12.000 No nets for anything.
01:32:13.000 Okay.
01:32:14.000 There's no nets.
01:32:14.000 All right.
01:32:15.000 You can't have nets.
01:32:16.000 You can't! 1.00
01:32:17.000 You can't have someone outside the door with a fucking... 1.00
01:32:19.000 Well, didn't someone... 1.00
01:32:20.000 Are you okay in there?
01:32:21.000 Hey, man. 1.00
01:32:22.000 A fucking janitor or someone in Vegas died in a cryo-freeze chamber. 1.00
01:32:26.000 Okay. 1.00
01:32:26.000 Oh, she didn't know what she was doing, unfortunately. 1.00
01:32:27.000 What happened was she was by herself and the nitrogen, liquid nitrogen, you can't breathe that in. 0.54
01:32:38.000 It's why it's supposed to be below your neck.
01:32:39.000 And apparently she was short and she didn't adjust it correctly and so she was breathing it in her mouth. 1.00
01:32:45.000 And she passed out.
01:32:46.000 Brad Williams should not work at a cryo-free place.
01:32:48.000 That's what you're saying.
01:32:49.000 I saw something coming.
01:32:50.000 I saw you were ready.
01:32:51.000 I know.
01:32:51.000 I couldn't help it.
01:32:51.000 I have like Tourette's.
01:32:53.000 But let me ask you.
01:32:54.000 Okay.
01:32:54.000 So when I get in the sauna, because I started doing Because of You, I have one in my house now.
01:32:58.000 I get so high that I'm like, I'm only going to do 20 minutes, but then I'm like, I'm going to do fucking more. 0.59
01:33:03.000 Like there's a high that comes over you. 0.87
01:33:06.000 I don't feel like I can make good decisions when I'm in there.
01:33:08.000 Well, this is my take on this.
01:33:10.000 Again, I always have to express that I'm not a doctor and I'm not even smart.
01:33:14.000 What?
01:33:15.000 But I do know some stuff.
01:33:16.000 And one of the things that I know is that inflammation is a gigantic problem with people.
01:33:20.000 That thing that you posted up before about a hearing loss during COVID because of inflammation.
01:33:26.000 Yeah, it was related to that.
01:33:27.000 But related to COVID, they think it has to do with inflammation.
01:33:31.000 That's the thing with Dana White had Meniere's Denise. 1.00
01:33:35.000 This was tinnitus.
01:33:36.000 Yeah, tinnitus is very similar.
01:33:38.000 Meniere's disease is very similar as well.
01:33:40.000 It's like there's a ring in the ear and it drives you crazy.
01:33:42.000 And they think it's related to inflammation.
01:33:46.000 And one of the best things for inflammation is the sauna because your body makes these heat shock proteins.
01:33:53.000 And it relieves so much inflammation.
01:33:55.000 It changes the way you feel.
01:33:57.000 You feel so much better.
01:33:59.000 And since I've been doing it, people think I got like a facelift, which I will at some point, and I will let you know.
01:34:06.000 You guys don't have to wonder.
01:34:07.000 I don't think you have to.
01:34:08.000 I don't think you have to. 0.99
01:34:08.000 I think they're going to come up with some new shit. 0.99
01:34:10.000 Well, I'm doing the peptides. 0.99
01:34:11.000 Just hang in there.
01:34:11.000 Yeah, that's my thing.
01:34:12.000 By the time I need it, they will have figured something out, you know?
01:34:15.000 But Joan Rivers did fine for herself. 1.00
01:34:17.000 We're on the wave.
01:34:18.000 She did not do fine.
01:34:19.000 We're on the wave.
01:34:20.000 She killed on QVC. I was high as fuck once at the Brea Improv, and I was waiting to go on stage. 0.99
01:34:24.000 I'm like, way too high. 0.99
01:34:25.000 To the point where, fortunately, I knew my act because it was risky.
01:34:28.000 It was very dangerous.
01:34:30.000 Yeah, and?
01:34:31.000 And Joan Rivers was on television.
01:34:33.000 This is bad.
01:34:35.000 Joan Rivers was on television with her television show with her daughter.
01:34:40.000 And I've always been a giant Joan Rivers fan in terms of her stand-up.
01:34:44.000 She's fearless.
01:34:45.000 And she never stopped.
01:34:47.000 My first roast was Joan Rivers.
01:34:49.000 And to me... 1.00
01:34:50.000 The way a comic can take a fucking joke. 0.99
01:34:52.000 This is the thing that annoys me the most about comics now. 0.99
01:34:54.000 Comics are like, why are you saying that?
01:34:56.000 Dude, you're a comic.
01:34:57.000 We're not supposed to say anything to each other. 0.98
01:34:58.000 I miss the roast so fucking much. 0.94
01:35:01.000 And I said to Joan on my first roast, first time I'd ever met her, I said, Joan, I loved you in The Wrestler. 0.97
01:35:10.000 And she laughed harder than anyone. 1.00
01:35:13.000 And then I said, Joan Rivers is so old, her pussy has a separate entrance for black cocks. 1.00
01:35:20.000 And she laughed. 1.00
01:35:22.000 She laughed.
01:35:24.000 Ah! 0.99
01:35:26.000 She laughed so fucking hard. 1.00
01:35:28.000 I'm like, that's a real comic. 0.99
01:35:30.000 And then she had so much plastic surgery that people were looking at her like, I don't know if she's getting offended or not.
01:35:34.000 And she went, I'm laughing.
01:35:36.000 This is me laughing.
01:35:37.000 I have Botox.
01:35:38.000 You just can't see it.
01:35:39.000 I'm laughing.
01:35:39.000 It's the filler that's weird.
01:35:41.000 She subtitled her face. 0.93
01:35:42.000 Yeah. 0.97
01:35:43.000 And then she came up to me afterwards and she was like, that was fucking incredible. 0.93
01:35:48.000 And true comics can respect. 0.98
01:35:50.000 They don't get jealous of other comics killing. 0.99
01:35:52.000 Well, as she got older, she got more dedicated to the game and recognized the value of not giving a fuck. 0.99
01:35:59.000 And that was a big part of who she is. 0.99
01:36:01.000 She was in the Hall of Fame when it comes to comedians.
01:36:07.000 Joan Rivers has been around for a long-ass time. 0.93
01:36:09.000 But even so, later in her life, she was like, oh, I understand what this is.
01:36:14.000 I have to be dedicated to this.
01:36:16.000 And I can make myself the butt of the joke.
01:36:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:36:19.000 And also other people. 1.00
01:36:20.000 Take the fucking hit. 1.00
01:36:22.000 And that there was a value in that and that people appreciated it and loved it. 1.00
01:36:25.000 You know?
01:36:26.000 What was that picture?
01:36:27.000 What'd you pull up?
01:36:28.000 The piece of work, that documentary called Piece of Work?
01:36:30.000 Oh, yeah.
01:36:30.000 I've heard it's really good.
01:36:31.000 Well, the documentary...
01:36:32.000 What year is that, man?
01:36:35.000 50s?
01:36:36.000 Does it say? 1.00
01:36:37.000 Remember, she had a fucking talk show. 1.00
01:36:39.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
01:36:40.000 After she was on, oof. 1.00
01:36:41.000 Well, here's the thing. 0.63
01:36:42.000 I always get fucking mad at Johnny Carson, because apparently her and Johnny Carson had some weird thing. 0.94
01:36:47.000 And she guest-hosted The Tonight Show at certain points, and I guess Johnny was threatened by her. 0.96
01:36:53.000 Because she went to Fox and did hers.
01:36:55.000 Yeah, but Johnny was mad.
01:36:56.000 Instead of being like, that's great!
01:36:59.000 Everybody, let's all do it together.
01:37:00.000 That is what is so different about you, Joe.
01:37:02.000 I don't think people truly understand that there's such a scarcity complex in everyone.
01:37:07.000 There's so few of us, and we've been taught to believe there's so few slots. 0.97
01:37:12.000 Like, there's one person that gets the big deal at Montreal or Aspen, and it's me fucking against you. 0.93
01:37:16.000 It's me against you, and you are one of the few fucking comics that That is so psyched to lift people up and then they get successful on their own. 0.96
01:37:23.000 It's not a threat to you. 0.92
01:37:25.000 I mean you're also Joe Rogan so what would threaten you but it is so fucking rare that even super successful comics help other comics.
01:37:31.000 Well, I think more do it now than ever before because of the internet.
01:37:34.000 Whether it's me or other folks that have the same idea without even thinking about how I do it.
01:37:38.000 It's like we realize through the internet that it's not a scarcity complex anymore.
01:37:44.000 When I first was on television, it was in 1994 or something with news radio, and there was only...
01:37:51.000 What was there?
01:37:52.000 There was like...
01:37:52.000 Four networks.
01:37:53.000 Four networks and then there was like cable networks that people didn't take seriously.
01:37:57.000 Four networks and like three slots on TGIF Friday.
01:38:00.000 So if everyone was going out for auditions, what happened with pilot season would roll around and you would get an agent and then we'd all meet out here.
01:38:09.000 And we'd do the store or we'd do the lab factory or what have you, and we would talk about pilots.
01:38:15.000 Like, everyone was going out for things.
01:38:16.000 And if, like, you were going out for a thing, oh, you're going out for that thing?
01:38:19.000 Like, yeah, I'm going out for that thing.
01:38:21.000 And we would both be going out for it together.
01:38:23.000 And the thing could change your life, right?
01:38:25.000 Like, if someone who I was really close with was going out for news radio when I was on news radio, it would have scared the shit out of me.
01:38:31.000 Wow.
01:38:31.000 Because that decision to pick me over maybe one of my best friends, like, imagine if me and Brian Callen were both going out for news radio at the same time.
01:38:39.000 You're both in the same casting room.
01:38:40.000 It would have been a real issue.
01:38:41.000 It would have been a real issue because Brian is a brilliant actor. 0.75
01:38:43.000 He's really fucking funny. 0.97
01:38:45.000 He's so fucking good. 0.99
01:38:45.000 He's really funny. 0.99
01:38:46.000 So if he and I were in the same, it would be a real problem because at the time, I didn't know him in 94, but he became one of my best friends.
01:38:53.000 But imagine if I did know him.
01:38:54.000 Right.
01:38:55.000 Imagine if he was my best friend and we were both going for the same gig.
01:38:58.000 Going for the same cut of meat is what it is.
01:39:00.000 That's what it is.
01:39:01.000 It's really, this is going to pay off my debt. 0.99
01:39:03.000 This is going to get me a fucking apartment, a place to live. 0.98
01:39:05.000 I can finally have a girlfriend and pay for her dinner. 0.99
01:39:07.000 Change is everything.
01:39:08.000 You go from being a guy who didn't know if he was going to pay his rent to a person that folks want to meet.
01:39:15.000 They want to meet you.
01:39:16.000 They want to meet you.
01:39:17.000 They're like, hey, I want to meet you, Whitney.
01:39:19.000 They want to meet you.
01:39:20.000 Like, what's going on here? 0.94
01:39:22.000 Now, your friend Sally, who was also going up for that fucking same role, but you were a little charminger. 0.91
01:39:27.000 The producers got together and were like, I think we go with Whitney. 0.97
01:39:29.000 I agree.
01:39:30.000 Whitney.
01:39:30.000 It's Whitney.
01:39:30.000 They high-five.
01:39:31.000 Sally's life is fucking ruined! 1.00
01:39:33.000 And then I have to see her every night at the Comedy Store. 1.00
01:39:34.000 She hates me. 1.00
01:39:35.000 That bitch. 1.00
01:39:35.000 She hates you. 1.00
01:39:36.000 There's two slots.
01:39:37.000 Sometimes people hate you if you don't even have anything to do with what they do.
01:39:41.000 They just hate the fact that you have taken off.
01:39:44.000 And let me ask you, what's the primordial biological basis for that?
01:39:48.000 Starvation.
01:39:49.000 Yes.
01:39:49.000 It's less food for me or you're the chief of a different tribe.
01:39:53.000 Yes.
01:39:54.000 It's starvation.
01:39:55.000 It's starvation.
01:39:56.000 But it's also a test.
01:39:57.000 It's a test of your overall ability to perceive things outside of what's directly in front of you and to play the long game.
01:40:03.000 Right.
01:40:04.000 And to realize, like, what is really important?
01:40:06.000 What are the moments you cherish the most?
01:40:08.000 The moments we all cherish the most are moments amongst friends and loved ones.
01:40:11.000 That's right.
01:40:11.000 All of us.
01:40:12.000 Every person.
01:40:13.000 I mean, even if you just go on stage and you rock out in front of like 150 people, those people, now you're friends.
01:40:21.000 We've had a wonderful experience together.
01:40:23.000 We're in love, frankly.
01:40:24.000 We're in love.
01:40:25.000 I can't get off stage now.
01:40:26.000 I've been doing... 0.96
01:40:27.000 Just like smaller venues, which I fucking love. 0.69
01:40:29.000 Because I booked them before the big venues were open. 0.56
01:40:32.000 And I don't want to cancel them.
01:40:34.000 You know what I mean?
01:40:34.000 These clubs haven't gotten income.
01:40:36.000 These waitresses haven't gotten fucking... 1.00
01:40:37.000 I was just at the Houston Improv. 0.99
01:40:39.000 I did 10 shows in the Spokane Comedy Club.
01:40:43.000 I heard that's great.
01:40:44.000 Dude, it's a perfect box.
01:40:46.000 The acoustics. 0.99
01:40:47.000 It is so fucking... 0.99
01:40:49.000 I heard it's great. 0.99
01:40:49.000 It reminds me of the... 0.99
01:40:52.000 Of course you remember.
01:40:52.000 The Comedy Connection.
01:40:54.000 Those low-ass fucking ceilings. 1.00
01:40:56.000 Crack, crack. 1.00
01:40:56.000 In Boston. 1.00
01:40:57.000 It was perfect.
01:40:58.000 Boston Comedy Connections was like 150 people.
01:41:01.000 Dude.
01:41:01.000 That's all it was.
01:41:02.000 There was nothing like, I remember one time I saw Lenny Clark blow up that building in a way.
01:41:09.000 Was that the Faneuil Hall one?
01:41:11.000 Faneuil Hall.
01:41:12.000 It was like in a mall.
01:41:13.000 Different one?
01:41:14.000 See, I'm before you.
01:41:15.000 There was another one that was tiny.
01:41:17.000 It was on Warrington Street.
01:41:18.000 That's where I started.
01:41:20.000 It was like 150 people.
01:41:21.000 It was one of my best clubs that I worked at.
01:41:23.000 It was so small.
01:41:24.000 The ceiling was like, 6'5".
01:41:29.000 Wow, that's sick. 1.00
01:41:31.000 So some tall person would be fucked. 1.00
01:41:33.000 Maybe I'm wrong. 1.00
01:41:34.000 Gary Goldman just couldn't do it.
01:41:36.000 Yeah, Gary Goldman would have a problem.
01:41:38.000 He couldn't reach up.
01:41:39.000 But if there was like, maybe 7 feet.
01:41:42.000 The point is, there's something about this low, tight box that's really good for comedy.
01:41:47.000 And I saw Bill Hicks go there.
01:41:50.000 That was the first time I ever saw Hicks.
01:41:52.000 I saw Hicks in that little room, and it was right after he did the Young Comedian special with Rodney.
01:41:57.000 I didn't even know exactly who he was.
01:42:00.000 I remember him from that show, and I remember, I'll go see that guy.
01:42:03.000 I was in town.
01:42:05.000 I had only been doing comedy for maybe a year, somewhere around there.
01:42:09.000 He was there, and he was in that little tiny room, and he was doing this bit about Tiffany.
01:42:15.000 I think we're alone now.
01:42:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:42:18.000 Meeting Jimi Hendrix at the mall. 0.99
01:42:21.000 And it was something about Jimi Hendrix coming to the mall to shame Tiffany for her fucking little girl music. 0.97
01:42:28.000 But it was a fake, like hypothetical? 0.99
01:42:30.000 Yeah, it was a bit.
01:42:30.000 It was just a bit.
01:42:31.000 So random.
01:42:32.000 He was doing this crazy bit about Jimi Hendrix meeting Tiffany at the mall.
01:42:41.000 And I remember going, whoa.
01:42:43.000 Just to be completely honest, it wasn't the funniest thing I'd ever seen.
01:42:48.000 But it was so interesting. 0.99
01:42:49.000 But the fucking balls to go in that direction and even spend time talking about something so random and specific. 0.99
01:42:57.000 Well, this was a thing. 1.00
01:42:58.000 It was funny, but it also made me think.
01:43:01.000 And it made me think of like, oh, okay.
01:43:03.000 I need to reconsider what I think about Stand-up comedy, because I think a comedy is being funny.
01:43:08.000 It's ultimately just about being funny.
01:43:10.000 It is definitely sometimes about being funny, but I think it's like music.
01:43:14.000 Like, some music is just fucking old-school run DMC, and some music is, you know, Liz Phair.
01:43:22.000 Like, it's different.
01:43:23.000 They're different, but they're equally awesome.
01:43:26.000 There's something about laughing 100% at everything someone says, and there's also something about someone doing something, like Hicks did, that you go, that's funny, but it's also, that is, wow, he's making me think.
01:43:39.000 He's making me really think about, like, what is mall music?
01:43:42.000 And this is, yeah, you're like, something I've never thought about before.
01:43:46.000 The same way we want to see pictures we've never seen.
01:43:47.000 We want to see porn we've never seen. 0.99
01:43:49.000 We want to see a pair of boobs we've never seen or whatever. 0.99
01:43:51.000 It's like, and I know this is a corny verb, but tickling a part of someone's brain.
01:43:59.000 So, like, I watched, speaking of Gary Goldman, I watched his last hour he was working out before the pandemic, and he did, like, 20 minutes on how mangoes have a low yield value.
01:44:11.000 Of fruit?
01:44:12.000 And it was just, I was like, I've just never thought about this. 1.00
01:44:15.000 I have notebooks and notebooks full of fucking jokes, comedians. 0.99
01:44:17.000 We've seen everything. 1.00
01:44:18.000 I've just like literally never thought about that before.
01:44:21.000 Patton Oswalt is my very favorite about doing that.
01:44:24.000 He takes premises that I would never see becoming a bit, and he makes them these elaborate, really well-written, thought-out bits.
01:44:31.000 I remember, was it the Werewolves one?
01:44:34.000 What was the name of that one album?
01:44:36.000 Something about werewolves and lollipops.
01:44:39.000 But in that one in particular, I was like, God, it's so admirable.
01:44:42.000 The way he explores places.
01:44:43.000 It commits and milks from every angle.
01:44:46.000 It's writing.
01:44:47.000 It's writing.
01:44:48.000 Natasha Leggera, I remember, once said something. 0.95
01:44:50.000 I remember when I first started doing stand-up at this place called M Bar in L.A. Because we started in bars and bowling alleys and sushi restaurants and shit in L.A. So when people are always like, L.A. is not hardcore comedy.
01:45:00.000 It's like, dude, have you ever done comedy in a fucking bowling alley? 0.96
01:45:02.000 Like, it is not a game. 0.98
01:45:05.000 And Miyagi's.
01:45:06.000 We used to do stand-up at...
01:45:07.000 I remember Duck and... 0.99
01:45:08.000 Remember when Duck and Trussell used to bring a fucking puppet on stage? 0.99
01:45:11.000 Yes, Lil' Hobo. 0.99
01:45:12.000 Do you know somebody stole Lil' Hobo?
01:45:15.000 Yeah, he had to get a new one.
01:45:17.000 Somebody stole his little hobo.
01:45:18.000 Someone out there has a little hobo and is probably listening to this right now.
01:45:21.000 By the way, the tinfoil hat people think that I'm a Satanist because I went to Duncan Trussell performing his special, his thing with Little Hobo.
01:45:32.000 What was the guy's name of the Satanist?
01:45:35.000 Anton LaVey's son?
01:45:38.000 It was a Stanton LeVay and Anton LeVay. 0.70
01:45:41.000 Anyway, a Satanist.
01:45:43.000 Duncan performed at a Satanist wedding.
01:45:45.000 And I went.
01:45:46.000 And I was with the dude going like this.
01:45:48.000 Was it cool? 0.99
01:45:49.000 That sounds fun and shit. 0.98
01:45:50.000 Well, it was fun. 1.00
01:45:51.000 It was Duncan doing his little hobo thing. 0.54
01:45:53.000 Because little hobo was a character that he did. 0.56
01:45:54.000 It was his grandpa's ventriloquist dummy who killed his grandpa.
01:45:59.000 And Duncan doesn't realize it until he's about to put little hobo to bed. 0.96
01:46:03.000 Like, he's supposed to bury little hobo with his grandpa.
01:46:06.000 I mean, there it is.
01:46:08.000 That's the Satanist on the right?
01:46:12.000 Yeah, that's the Satanist on the right.
01:46:13.000 That fellow with the demon head.
01:46:15.000 Do you think that he takes his skin suit off and he becomes some sort of reptile?
01:46:19.000 I don't know, but that reminds me of a friend of mine. 0.99
01:46:21.000 I'm just going straight fucking gossip.
01:46:23.000 A friend of mine worked with David Copperfield and said that after shows, when they would tour, he'd go out on the balcony to have a cigarette and look over at David Copperfield's You know, the outdoor, and there would be a skin muscle suit hanging over the railing to dry off. 0.98
01:46:42.000 Oh, he wears a muscle suit?
01:46:43.000 Like a full body muscle suit underneath his clothes.
01:46:47.000 I saw one of these Instagram videos the other day where a girl was about to do like a fitness video and they took these like fake boob gel things, you know those little things?
01:46:56.000 Chicken cutlets.
01:46:57.000 Those chicken cutlets.
01:46:58.000 Yeah. 0.95
01:46:58.000 And they stuck it in her buttocks and they made her buttocks stick out. 0.95
01:47:02.000 But she put them in. 0.57
01:47:03.000 I wear sometimes...
01:47:04.000 You want to see it?
01:47:04.000 I think I have it.
01:47:05.000 I sometimes wear butt pad underwear.
01:47:07.000 I started doing it a little bit.
01:47:08.000 Congratulations.
01:47:09.000 Congratulations. 0.99
01:47:11.000 I did it during the pandemic a couple times because I was not doing squats the way I was supposed to be doing squats and I was just too embarrassed about my pancake ass during the pandemic. 0.97
01:47:19.000 I'm going to send you this, Jamie. 0.96
01:47:21.000 I'm going to send you this, Jamie.
01:47:24.000 Hold on, real quick about Joan Rivers. 0.99
01:47:26.000 I have that pinned in my brain because she was one of the first comics when they're like, oh, she sold out and went on the red carpet. 1.00
01:47:33.000 She was fucking roasting celebrities to their face saying, fuck you, Hollywood. 1.00
01:47:37.000 You never embraced me. 1.00
01:47:39.000 Now I'm just going to make fun of you and make a career out of that.
01:47:41.000 Yes. 1.00
01:47:42.000 That was ballsy as fuck at the time. 1.00
01:47:44.000 Yes. 0.99
01:47:44.000 She was not one of those comedians that was like, I'm doing comedy just to get a TV show. 0.99
01:47:47.000 She's a beast. 1.00
01:47:49.000 Jamie, I'm going to send you something that's equally ballsy. 0.94
01:47:52.000 Uh-oh.
01:47:53.000 Wait, are they...
01:47:54.000 Okay.
01:47:55.000 So look at this lady. 1.00
01:47:57.000 They're sticking these chicken cutlets in their buttocks. 1.00
01:48:01.000 They're making her butt muscles stick out. 1.00
01:48:03.000 It's just for the Instagram.
01:48:04.000 Okay, for the gram.
01:48:06.000 So, here's what you need to know.
01:48:08.000 They actually do this with operations.
01:48:10.000 So this girl, what she's doing right now, making her buttocks stick out more. 1.00
01:48:14.000 Implants, you mean? 0.63
01:48:15.000 Yeah, they do that with buttocks. 1.00
01:48:17.000 They actually do a bag, like a titty bag, in your buttocks. 1.00
01:48:21.000 Well, there's a couple ways. 0.99
01:48:22.000 Okay, so there's one that redistributes the fat in your body and injects it in your butt. 0.98
01:48:27.000 But you can burn that off. 0.98
01:48:28.000 Yeah, that's scary.
01:48:29.000 Because that makes oatmeal. 0.50
01:48:40.000 That visual really just fucking ruined my day. 0.88
01:48:43.000 Sorry. 0.90
01:48:44.000 Think of brown sugar. 1.00
01:48:45.000 But remember we've texted shit back and forth of like, is it like a lot of Russian models that just inject cement into their ass? 1.00
01:48:51.000 They died. 1.00
01:48:52.000 People died.
01:48:53.000 There was one that I sent you where this lady got a horrible infection and she died. 0.98
01:48:56.000 And her skin had literally, like, rot. 1.00
01:48:59.000 She had developed necrosis on her ass because someone did some sort of, like, fucking backyard caulking gun ass injection thing. 1.00
01:49:09.000 This poor lady, she died. 1.00
01:49:11.000 She had this horrible infection. 1.00
01:49:13.000 Yeah, no shit. 0.99
01:49:14.000 But here's the thing. 0.99
01:49:15.000 It's like, just go do squats.
01:49:17.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:49:17.000 Well, aren't there, you tell me, are there limits to how, like when I see an ass, like these girls that like work out like crazy, I try to do it, I have a trainer, is there a limit to how my genetics will allow my ass to look? 0.99
01:49:32.000 Yes. 0.98
01:49:33.000 Without pharmacological intervention, there's a limit.
01:49:36.000 Right, right, right.
01:49:36.000 And you don't want that pharmacological intervention because it'll introduce male hormones.
01:49:41.000 Because it's about to get...
01:49:42.000 Oh, interesting.
01:49:43.000 It's about getting...
01:49:44.000 Because I am obsessed with having a bigger, stronger...
01:49:47.000 Just in general, can I tell you, on stage as I get older and as physical as my...
01:49:50.000 I'm doing this bit right now about how I love dating...
01:49:54.000 I'm dating a younger guy now, but I love dating older guys because their music, every now and then you get to listen to R. Kelly by accident.
01:50:01.000 And it's not your fault.
01:50:04.000 Trapped in the closet?
01:50:05.000 You get a free listen to Ignition and you're not supporting a sexual predator because they just didn't hear about it on Yahoo News or whatever.
01:50:13.000 And I do this whole dance on stage where I'm listening to R. Kelly for the first time in years.
01:50:19.000 And I was like, I'm winded, dude.
01:50:22.000 Stand-up's not...
01:50:23.000 Not athletic. 0.99
01:50:25.000 I need to be in fucking shape to be on stage. 0.99
01:50:27.000 I was trying to do all these squats and I got that machine that you got where you lay down and it's like a giant Kegel. 0.99
01:50:34.000 Your ankles go up behind you, remember?
01:50:37.000 Reverse hyper.
01:50:38.000 Reverse hyper. 0.99
01:50:39.000 Giant Kegels, that's a vagina exercise, right? 1.00
01:50:42.000 When I get on it, that's all I do. 0.98
01:50:44.000 Reverse hyper is for your lower back.
01:50:45.000 That's why I'm confused.
01:50:46.000 I'm like, how does this... 0.98
01:50:47.000 That makes so much sense because my ass hasn't gotten bigger and my lower back hurts. 0.99
01:50:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
01:50:51.000 That's not how you develop your ass. 1.00
01:50:53.000 How do you get the top of your ass? 1.00
01:50:55.000 Squats. 1.00
01:50:55.000 You want squats. 1.00
01:50:56.000 Yeah, deep squats.
01:50:57.000 Here and down.
01:50:59.000 Yeah, and I don't do anything other than kettlebell workout.
01:51:04.000 I don't do...
01:51:05.000 I'm not opposed to it.
01:51:07.000 I'll do it occasionally, like some barbell stuff.
01:51:09.000 But I like things where I have to hold heavy weights independently. 0.97
01:51:12.000 So if I have like a 70 pound in this one, a 70 pound in this one, I'll do a bunch of different shit. 0.93
01:51:16.000 It makes me work as a unit. 0.99
01:51:19.000 But with the butt, to think about the butt is you're trying to develop mass.
01:51:24.000 And the only way to really develop...
01:51:26.000 Oh no!
01:51:28.000 Oh no!
01:51:29.000 Why are you posting photos of Annie Letterman's not on this podcast today?
01:51:34.000 Stop posting her news.
01:51:37.000 That's boba. 0.94
01:51:38.000 That's like that boba tea.
01:51:41.000 Cardi B is pretty open about having gotten wild, like random injections.
01:51:46.000 Like a lot of strippers were just getting these injections. 0.99
01:51:48.000 She still looks good.
01:51:49.000 In Brooklyn, and then she just got the new ones.
01:51:51.000 Oh, the new ones. 0.99
01:51:51.000 Yeah, because they were just getting filler in their butt. 0.99
01:51:53.000 I would do that. 0.99
01:51:55.000 You don't need to do that.
01:51:56.000 Just do squats.
01:51:57.000 You want what you deserve.
01:52:00.000 Understand me?
01:52:01.000 You want what you deserve. 1.00
01:52:03.000 You don't deserve someone like going, look at that ass, when it's a fucking water bag behind a tissue that's been surgically sliced open and stitched up. 1.00
01:52:13.000 Do you want to be that person? 1.00
01:52:14.000 You want to live a dream? 1.00
01:52:15.000 Why don't you just get a fucking Batman mask sewed to your neck and pretend you're Batman. 1.00
01:52:19.000 Works for Rusty Dooley. 1.00
01:52:21.000 You're not Batman and that's not your real ass. 1.00
01:52:24.000 Okay? 1.00
01:52:24.000 Stop. 1.00
01:52:25.000 Just do some squats. 1.00
01:52:26.000 There's a reason why men are attracted to a woman with a big ass. 1.00
01:52:30.000 Fertility. 1.00
01:52:31.000 Genetics.
01:52:32.000 Fertility.
01:52:33.000 And two, dedication to the game.
01:52:36.000 This girl, she's hitting the gym so hard because she likes attention so much for looking good. 1.00
01:52:41.000 When she goes out and she's got high heels on and a crazy granite booty and she's walking.
01:52:46.000 Granite?
01:52:46.000 Oh, got it, got it.
01:52:47.000 Granite.
01:52:47.000 You know?
01:52:48.000 Yes.
01:52:48.000 A woman with, like, thick thighs save lives.
01:52:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
01:52:51.000 Big ass. 1.00
01:52:52.000 Lauren Sanchez. 1.00
01:52:53.000 You earn that ass. 1.00
01:52:54.000 Yep. 1.00
01:52:55.000 You earn it.
01:52:55.000 That's the only way you get it.
01:52:56.000 You gotta earn it.
01:52:57.000 But doesn't that also mean she's in the gym three hours a day? 1.00
01:52:58.000 She must not have a job.
01:53:00.000 I don't need a girl with a job. 1.00
01:53:02.000 Men don't need a girl with a child. 1.00
01:53:03.000 Chris Rock had that whole thing after Tiger Woods when everyone was like, he cheated with waitresses and bottle girls.
01:53:11.000 And he was like, we don't care what you do.
01:53:15.000 That's a fact.
01:53:16.000 That's a fact.
01:53:17.000 This is what men want, legitimately.
01:53:19.000 You need to be interesting, compatible, and nice.
01:53:22.000 And chill.
01:53:23.000 But also, we enhance each other.
01:53:24.000 I want you to have a good time.
01:53:26.000 I want to have a good time.
01:53:28.000 And if you can't, then we can't. 0.98
01:53:30.000 This is not going to work out, whether it's chemically, whether it's fucking oil and water, whatever the mixture is. 0.97
01:53:34.000 Some people it works, and some people it doesn't. 0.94
01:53:37.000 And there's no magic formula. 1.00
01:53:39.000 And there's people that I've met that are like, yeah, man, my ex-girlfriend was a fucking asshole, but now she's happily married to some other guy. 1.00
01:53:46.000 Was she an asshole, or was she just an asshole in mixture with your personality? 1.00
01:53:51.000 That's right. 1.00
01:53:52.000 Maybe you're annoying. 0.99
01:53:53.000 My ex is crazy. 0.99
01:53:54.000 My ex is crazy. 1.00
01:53:55.000 The common denominator in all your crazy exes is fucking you. 1.00
01:53:58.000 And I do think it's about finding whatever that compatible thing is. 1.00
01:54:02.000 And you also are such a fucking good example. 0.96
01:54:05.000 And I tell all my guy friends, you have such a full life. 0.97
01:54:08.000 And you're one of the few people I know that when they got married, they didn't abandon all their guy friendships.
01:54:13.000 Well, you've got to be careful with that because there's a lot of guys that, for whatever reason, when they get married, they want everybody else to be married, too.
01:54:21.000 It's a weird thing.
01:54:22.000 It's so true. 0.84
01:54:23.000 They go, you need to be married, bro.
01:54:24.000 You need to be married. 0.98
01:54:25.000 You need to be married and you need to have a family.
01:54:27.000 And I'm always like, listen, you don't have to do any of those things.
01:54:30.000 You can be a fulfilled person with no children. 0.93
01:54:32.000 But for me personally, I will tell you that when I had children, it fucking profoundly changed me.
01:54:37.000 And just becoming responsible and being a father and all that stuff, it shifts the way you perceive the world. 0.77
01:54:46.000 And I've talked about this a hundred times, but I'll say it one more time.
01:54:50.000 I looked at people like they're babies.
01:54:52.000 I never looked at people like they're babies before.
01:54:53.000 Because I only met people when they were whoever they were when I met them.
01:54:57.000 Yeah.
01:54:57.000 I never saw them grow up from babies.
01:55:00.000 And when you see it for the first time, you see a baby and then like six months later, you're like, oh my God, we're all babies. 0.99
01:55:07.000 And we're blaming people for shit experiences. 0.98
01:55:10.000 And for a lot of times, what develops you and what forms you, you have zero control over. 0.99
01:55:15.000 And then all of a sudden, you're 25 and you're fucked and you got a face tattoo. 0.95
01:55:19.000 And you're like, what am I doing? 0.99
01:55:20.000 You don't even know what you're doing.
01:55:21.000 And it's barely your fault.
01:55:23.000 That's right.
01:55:23.000 And everybody wants to blame you.
01:55:24.000 That's right, because whatever blueprint you got, whatever conditioning you got, and it's taken me so long to realize that I'm in a place of such radical forgiveness now, almost to the point of being too sort of a silver lining person.
01:55:37.000 No, no, no, no, you're not.
01:55:38.000 That's not true.
01:55:39.000 You're in the right zone.
01:55:40.000 But when I just go, like when I look at people, cancel culture, you know, vultures or people that are making negative comments and comics, whenever they come to my podcast, everyone just wants to talk about negative comments.
01:55:50.000 And I'm like, look at these people as children that didn't get what they needed.
01:55:55.000 These are people that were neglected, that were hurt, that were abused, like hurt people hurt people.
01:55:59.000 Like once you start looking people as their inner child and stop pretending like they're mature adults, it's just we're all just children in adult suits. 0.93
01:56:07.000 You start not taking everything so fucking personally. 0.91
01:56:10.000 Yeah. 0.87
01:56:11.000 When I talk to Robert Sapolsky, you know, he's the guy...
01:56:14.000 Do you know who he is?
01:56:15.000 He's a Stanford professor.
01:56:16.000 He's a really, really fascinating guy.
01:56:18.000 I stopped getting involved with Stanford professors.
01:56:21.000 But anyway, we'll talk about that later.
01:56:27.000 He did a lot of work on toxoplasmosis, which I've been really fascinated by.
01:56:32.000 The rat?
01:56:32.000 Yes, yes.
01:56:33.000 The cat parasite.
01:56:35.000 Yes.
01:56:35.000 And I wanted to talk to him about that, but along the way, one of the things that he said that I thought was really profound, he said that the thing that he thinks would be the most looked upon, like in the future, when they look back on this era, like the biggest mistake we made is making people responsible for all of their own actions.
01:56:53.000 I thought you were going to say Zoom comedy shows.
01:56:55.000 Well, listen, if you're doing a Zoom comedy show in May of 2021, you need to stop.
01:57:03.000 You need to stop.
01:57:04.000 You need to stop.
01:57:05.000 It's enough.
01:57:06.000 Now, if you do regular shows too and you want to do it for a goof, okay.
01:57:10.000 Okay.
01:57:11.000 But if all you do is Zoom comedy shows, shh.
01:57:14.000 Give me a hug.
01:57:15.000 Come give me a hug.
01:57:16.000 Call your dad.
01:57:17.000 Come give me a hug.
01:57:17.000 Call your dad.
01:57:18.000 See what happened.
01:57:19.000 Figure out what happened.
01:57:21.000 Getbetterhelp.com.
01:57:22.000 The toxoplasmosis.
01:57:23.000 Sapolsky was...
01:57:24.000 Blaming people for their choices.
01:57:25.000 He was talking about people blaming people for whoever they are and what they do.
01:57:30.000 And he was talking about determinism versus free will.
01:57:35.000 And it made me really think, especially coming from a guy like him, who's just analyzing the data and looking at people from sort of an anthropological and psychological perspective.
01:57:45.000 He's examining what it takes to become the kind of thing that you see right in front of you, whether it's an orangutan or whatever it is.
01:57:54.000 And he said it's going to be one of the biggest mistakes that we've made.
01:57:58.000 Holding people accountable for their irrational behaviors.
01:58:01.000 My mom loves me.
01:58:03.000 She's a nice lady. 1.00
01:58:04.000 And my stepdad loves me, and he's a good guy.
01:58:07.000 Like, I've got really lucky.
01:58:08.000 It wasn't a perfect life, but it was just fucked up enough, where there was enough confusion, enough weirdness, that it made me hyper-ambitious.
01:58:18.000 I might owe them an edible arrangement for the adversity they provided. 0.97
01:58:22.000 There's a minor amount of adversity compared to other people that I've met who have had massive adversity, like being raped, like boys that have been raped and guys that have been beat up relentlessly and stepdads that abused them. 0.99
01:58:36.000 Violence at school and being arrested when they were 17 and fucking craziness. 0.99
01:58:42.000 And you expect this guy that you run into at 23 years old to have a shit 100% together. 1.00
01:58:48.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:58:48.000 It's not going to happen. 0.99
01:58:49.000 And he's not me.
01:58:50.000 When I was 23, I was way easier than that guy. 0.97
01:58:54.000 But I was probably less easier than some guy who grew up in some really sheltered environment where you're taught chess when you're fucking 10. Yeah. 0.97
01:59:03.000 Everybody's got a different thing that they went through.
01:59:06.000 When you run into people, you literally have no idea what they've gone through when you're first meeting them.
01:59:11.000 That's right.
01:59:11.000 You don't know.
01:59:12.000 And the real issue is, you want to talk about inequality, like people always like to talk about inequality of income.
01:59:18.000 And that's a real thing, I guess, that some people make more than other people.
01:59:21.000 But here's a big problem.
01:59:24.000 Inequality of setup.
01:59:26.000 Inequality of like what you went through to get to where you are now.
01:59:30.000 Whether you're 10 or 20 or 50. It's like, what was your ride?
01:59:35.000 Did you get dropped off in the middle of the fucking desert with no water? 0.99
01:59:41.000 Or did you get dropped off in Costa Rica in a rainforest, eating wild mangoes, having a good time with your friends? 0.99
01:59:47.000 What was your ride?
01:59:49.000 Were you in Tokyo? 0.99
01:59:51.000 Or were you in fucking northern Michigan in a log cabin? 0.99
01:59:55.000 Like, what's your ride? 0.99
01:59:56.000 And to pretend that those experiences that either of those people go through, any of those people go through, are all the same, and that at 23 you should have your shit together, or 28 or 58, whatever the fuck it is, whatever your number is. 0.91
02:00:08.000 No, everyone's different. 0.64
02:00:10.000 This ride's different.
02:00:11.000 That's right.
02:00:11.000 That's the problem with people being upset at people for who they are and not looking at things with legitimate empathy and compassion.
02:00:21.000 And also, honestly, I know this is dorky. 0.99
02:00:23.000 I have I Love You tattooed on my forearm in white because I'm too much of a pussy. 0.99
02:00:28.000 I can't even see it. 1.00
02:00:29.000 See?
02:00:29.000 You don't see it?
02:00:30.000 I don't see shit. 1.00
02:00:31.000 Yes, you do. 1.00
02:00:31.000 I don't see a goddamn thing. 1.00
02:00:32.000 Yes, you do. 1.00
02:00:35.000 See?
02:00:36.000 I love you.
02:00:37.000 It's in white, so it's more like scarification.
02:00:39.000 I don't even know.
02:00:40.000 How do you not see that?
02:00:43.000 Did you get the same vaccine Chelsea Handler got?
02:00:45.000 You can't see all of a sudden?
02:00:47.000 I see something on my phone.
02:00:48.000 Do you not see that?
02:00:48.000 It's better on my phone.
02:00:50.000 And you need to see a fucking deer from two miles away and you can't see that? 0.99
02:00:55.000 I know it's white on white, but this is a white type. 1.00
02:00:59.000 I'm thinking to do my whole body like that.
02:01:00.000 Like, Deontay Wilder has his whole chest done in black. 1.00
02:01:03.000 I'm going to do my shit in white. 1.00
02:01:05.000 Just have white everywhere. 1.00
02:01:06.000 It's dope, though, because it's basically scarification.
02:01:09.000 That's what I'm saying.
02:01:09.000 So it supposedly hurts more.
02:01:10.000 I'm into it.
02:01:11.000 And see, I have another white one right here.
02:01:13.000 Do you not see that?
02:01:13.000 What happens if you get a sunburn?
02:01:15.000 What happens if you do your whole body in black? 0.89
02:01:17.000 Are you doing blackface?
02:01:19.000 There's a guy who did that.
02:01:21.000 On his face?
02:01:22.000 Yeah, he did everything.
02:01:23.000 No, he did his arms, his chest, and everything.
02:01:27.000 See if you can find this.
02:01:28.000 He's a bodybuilder.
02:01:31.000 Kai Greene? 0.89
02:01:33.000 No, he's a real black guy.
02:01:34.000 You know, some black guys, I mean some white guys rather, they put that dye on to look dark, but they don't do their face. 0.88
02:01:41.000 Like Tanner?
02:01:41.000 Tanner?
02:01:42.000 You can call it Tanner.
02:01:43.000 I'm going to call it like pen ink.
02:01:45.000 It's makeup.
02:01:46.000 Because that's really what it is.
02:01:46.000 Yeah, so there's this guy.
02:01:48.000 Oh no! 0.51
02:01:49.000 Yeah, this guy tattooed his entire body, but not African American black. 0.99
02:01:55.000 This is like gorilla black. 0.99
02:01:58.000 By the way, homies, quite jacked. 1.00
02:02:00.000 Do you think he went to the hog?
02:02:01.000 But asymmetrical.
02:02:02.000 Isn't the whole thing about symmetry and bodybuilding?
02:02:04.000 It looks great.
02:02:04.000 Look, do you think he went down to the hog?
02:02:06.000 That's what I want to know.
02:02:07.000 Pulled back.
02:02:07.000 What does down to the hog mean?
02:02:09.000 We're at his dick root. 0.99
02:02:10.000 Oh, down to his hog. 0.99
02:02:12.000 He didn't go full blackface on his left hand. 1.00
02:02:14.000 You can't tattoo a small dick black. 1.00
02:02:18.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00
02:02:19.000 Look how far he went down.
02:02:21.000 I'm curious.
02:02:22.000 So who did this tattoo and how long did it take?
02:02:25.000 Well, look at that guy in the middle.
02:02:26.000 The guy with the design.
02:02:28.000 The guy with the design.
02:02:29.000 No, no.
02:02:30.000 Up on top.
02:02:30.000 Above.
02:02:31.000 Right there.
02:02:31.000 Yeah.
02:02:32.000 That's kind of dope.
02:02:33.000 Is that...
02:02:34.000 That's kind of dope.
02:02:35.000 Or not. 1.00
02:02:36.000 Shut your mouth. 1.00
02:02:38.000 That looks dope. 1.00
02:02:39.000 Come on. 1.00
02:02:40.000 He's got a fucking pharaoh. 1.00
02:02:41.000 That's a pharaoh. 1.00
02:02:42.000 He's got suits uncommon.
02:02:43.000 That's appropriation.
02:02:44.000 Oh, no.
02:02:45.000 Maybe he's Egyptian. 0.99
02:02:46.000 You racist. 1.00
02:02:47.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00
02:02:48.000 Cancel her! 1.00
02:02:48.000 That's not racism. 1.00
02:02:49.000 That's erasure.
02:02:50.000 It's different.
02:02:51.000 Let me tell you something.
02:02:52.000 Go back to that.
02:02:52.000 When I see that much, I just go, this guy's unemployed and he can't provide for my...
02:02:57.000 And it makes you wet.
02:02:58.000 And it...
02:02:59.000 That's what starts the party.
02:03:01.000 If I'm on birth control, but not if I'm not.
02:03:03.000 This is hot.
02:03:04.000 I like the butt tattoos.
02:03:05.000 I don't know why.
02:03:06.000 Congratulations.
02:03:07.000 I think those are the ones that they do with like a needle.
02:03:09.000 Angelina Jolie did one where it's like with just a needle. 0.99
02:03:12.000 I'm looking to get like a wild tattoo.
02:03:15.000 You can get a pharaoh on your stomach. 0.87
02:03:16.000 That's pretty wild.
02:03:17.000 I'm good.
02:03:18.000 The thing about a guy like that is, go back to that.
02:03:20.000 Now, just as an aesthetic person, a person looking at images, that takes away from your six pack.
02:03:25.000 I'm sorry, but it does.
02:03:27.000 Let me see.
02:03:27.000 The guy's jacked.
02:03:28.000 Like, for sure that guy has a crazy body. 0.96
02:03:29.000 But you can't really tell?
02:03:30.000 You can't really tell. 1.00
02:03:31.000 Like, that guy has a fucking perfect body. 0.99
02:03:33.000 He's like a superhero. 1.00
02:03:34.000 Look at him.
02:03:34.000 He looks like Captain America.
02:03:36.000 Right?
02:03:36.000 He's perfect.
02:03:37.000 But meanwhile, where's his cock? 1.00
02:03:39.000 His cock is probably like a sphinx head. 1.00
02:03:41.000 But it also looks like a bathing suit. 1.00
02:03:43.000 Okay, I see what's happening here.
02:03:45.000 Oh, that's the same dude?
02:03:45.000 Oh, same tattoos.
02:03:46.000 I don't imagine there's two guys with the same...
02:03:48.000 Oh, I see is the lack of a 401k.
02:03:51.000 This guy might be a copy.
02:03:53.000 All I see is that I'm...
02:03:55.000 All you see is credit card debt.
02:03:56.000 That's all I see.
02:03:57.000 All I see is a bad credit score.
02:03:59.000 Good point.
02:04:00.000 Well, that guy might be a copycat.
02:04:02.000 Imagine if a guy got all the same tattoos as you, the way Steve-O did with Angelina Jolie.
02:04:08.000 Oh, did he get all the same tattoos?
02:04:10.000 That's so funny.
02:04:11.000 That's so funny.
02:04:13.000 He has all Angelina Jolie's tattoos.
02:04:16.000 Well, like her child's birthday.
02:04:18.000 Everything. 0.99
02:04:18.000 That's so fucking funny. 0.99
02:04:19.000 Every time she gets a tattoo, he gets the same tattoo. 0.98
02:04:22.000 He's got a Billy Bob tattoo.
02:04:25.000 That's hilarious. 0.95
02:04:27.000 Tattoos as a joke is so fucking funny to me. 0.99
02:04:30.000 I love that guy. 0.97
02:04:31.000 He's such a fucking nice dude. 0.77
02:04:32.000 He's such a nice dude. 0.98
02:04:34.000 He's a sweetheart of a guy.
02:04:34.000 He's always been a sweetheart of a guy.
02:04:36.000 I always try to tell him to stop.
02:04:37.000 Because he's always like, I'm going to let Chuck Adele kick me in the head. 0.96
02:04:40.000 Like, hey, man, don't do that. 0.99
02:04:42.000 This motherfucker, well, when he had his, you know, because he's, like, touring and trying to do, like, you know, he does, like, a stand-up show, had a stand-up special. 0.99
02:04:48.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:04:49.000 He duct-taped himself to the side of a billboard. 0.99
02:04:51.000 Fucksy world. 0.99
02:04:52.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:04:53.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:04:53.000 On Sunset Boulevard, like, the motherfucker is the most brave bitch on the planet. 1.00
02:04:58.000 His girlfriend, or now wife, I think, Lux, I love her. 1.00
02:05:02.000 She's great.
02:05:03.000 They're great together.
02:05:04.000 They fit like a glove.
02:05:05.000 They did it a hundred percent.
02:05:07.000 They did this bit where they went around like Runyon Canyon in LA or something and she had a used tampon.
02:05:14.000 She was asking people, it was a prank, asking people to take photos of her.
02:05:18.000 Like, can you take a photo? 1.00
02:05:18.000 And then she had a bloody tampon fall out of her pussy while she was posing. 1.00
02:05:24.000 And people would be like, uh, and a lot of people just pretended they didn't see it. 1.00
02:05:28.000 Like, they're such a fucking fun. 1.00
02:05:30.000 You just have to find someone who laughs at the same sick shit as you. 1.00
02:05:34.000 Yeah, well, you can't be with someone who wants to be an accountant like you. 1.00
02:05:38.000 Like, imagine if some dude was an accountant and was like, Whitney, I just think you should really calm down your act and maybe perhaps stop with letting other men grab your breasts on stage. 0.99
02:05:46.000 I mean, it's just like, it's not asking a lot.
02:05:48.000 That was an old man who had never touched... 1.00
02:05:51.000 I saw a young guy grabbing your tits. 1.00
02:05:53.000 That was just... 1.00
02:05:55.000 That's a different...
02:05:56.000 You're correct. 0.99
02:05:57.000 Yeah, there's more than one guy grabbing your tits. 1.00
02:05:59.000 That is my brand, and how dare you. 1.00
02:06:01.000 You have fanny packs and kettlebells.
02:06:03.000 My brand.
02:06:04.000 My fanny pack is secondhand, I told you.
02:06:06.000 It's thirdhand.
02:06:07.000 It comes from Ruth's, which is introduced to me by Dice.
02:06:10.000 It's not mine.
02:06:11.000 I like to bring people on...
02:06:13.000 I think to me, I don't do crowd work.
02:06:15.000 I feel like it's cheating most of the time.
02:06:17.000 Right. 0.94
02:06:17.000 But I think that after not being around human beings for so long and being so grateful that people were fucking showing up and, you know, buying tickets and tipping fucking waitresses and I just had so much gratitude and I just wanted to talk to fans. 0.94
02:06:30.000 And I was like, come on stage! 0.97
02:06:31.000 And then it quickly denigrated. 0.99
02:06:34.000 Yeah, the tits out. 1.00
02:06:35.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:06:35.000 I cheat on stage. 0.99
02:06:38.000 Come see me cheat on my boyfriend on stage.
02:06:41.000 With ladies, too. 0.87
02:06:42.000 Sometimes old ones. 0.98
02:06:43.000 Yeah, no, I made out with a bunch of lesbians in Spokane. 1.00
02:06:46.000 And it's just, to me, it's like...
02:06:48.000 Saying lesbians in Spokane is like, I get it. 1.00
02:06:50.000 You said Spokane.
02:06:51.000 Right, it was redundant.
02:06:53.000 I stayed in a place called Coeur d'Alene.
02:06:55.000 Have you been there?
02:06:55.000 I've heard it's amazing.
02:06:56.000 In Idaho, it's fucking gorgeous. 0.98
02:06:58.000 How far away is that from Spokane? 0.99
02:06:59.000 About an hour.
02:07:00.000 I would say like 40 minutes.
02:07:02.000 Yeah.
02:07:02.000 Shaw did it.
02:07:03.000 He did gigs out there.
02:07:04.000 He did the same thing.
02:07:05.000 He got a B&B. Yes, that's right.
02:07:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:07:07.000 And then, you know that it has the highest Bigfoot sightings, I think, in Spokane.
02:07:12.000 Also meth.
02:07:13.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:07:15.000 And white supremacists.
02:07:16.000 And 100% of the people that do meth saw Bigfoot.
02:07:19.000 And there's like Ku Klux Klan up there, right?
02:07:21.000 And there are like white separatists up there?
02:07:22.000 Sorry, if you are, I don't want to offend you.
02:07:24.000 If you're one of the white separatists, like, you're misrepresenting our Klan! 0.85
02:07:28.000 Right.
02:07:30.000 Yeah, Spokane is, but I love...
02:07:33.000 No, no, no, not Spokane.
02:07:34.000 Oh, Coeur d'Alene outside.
02:07:36.000 But also that area, too.
02:07:38.000 Like, Washington State has a lot of little loony separatists.
02:07:41.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98
02:07:42.000 Those separatist guys, we need to hunt them down and give them ecstasy and hug them all. 0.96
02:07:45.000 I mean, look, did you ever see that? 0.84
02:07:47.000 There was a movie that came out and they pulled it because it was too incendiary or divisive or something.
02:07:54.000 It started Betty Gilpin.
02:07:55.000 Was it really?
02:07:57.000 What was it?
02:07:58.000 What was it about?
02:08:00.000 That hurts.
02:08:01.000 How hard is it to...
02:08:02.000 Okay, I'm going to ask you two questions because you're Joe Rogan. 0.98
02:08:05.000 Can you really kill someone by pushing their nose into their brain? 0.71
02:08:09.000 No. 1.00
02:08:11.000 100% bullshit. 1.00
02:08:12.000 You fucked up my whole plan. 1.00
02:08:13.000 Yeah, I know. 0.77
02:08:13.000 There was always a thing, right? 0.77
02:08:15.000 Shit. 0.99
02:08:16.000 So this got pulled. 1.00
02:08:17.000 It was about liberals hunting conservatives or conservatives hunting liberals?
02:08:22.000 And they had to pull it, right?
02:08:23.000 It came out, though.
02:08:24.000 Like six months later.
02:08:26.000 Who made this?
02:08:27.000 That's Betty Gilpin. 0.98
02:08:28.000 She's a beast. 1.00
02:08:29.000 Was it Blumhouse?
02:08:31.000 The Hunt, it was called.
02:08:32.000 And it was like trophy hunting, but conservatives would hunt liberals?
02:08:37.000 Well, listen, the reason why a movie like that would work is because it's possible.
02:08:42.000 There's so many people that are so angry.
02:08:44.000 I think Sturgill Simpson's in it also, by the way.
02:08:48.000 Interesting.
02:08:49.000 Of course he is.
02:08:50.000 He definitely told me he was doing a movie.
02:08:51.000 He was learning how to shoot guns.
02:08:52.000 I introduced him to Thomas McNamara.
02:08:55.000 There he is.
02:08:56.000 He plays a rapper.
02:08:57.000 I remember seeing him. 1.00
02:08:57.000 I was like, what the fuck? 1.00
02:08:58.000 Is that Sturgill Simpson? 1.00
02:08:59.000 Uh-oh.
02:09:01.000 What a wild...
02:09:02.000 Did you see Jamie Kennedy just did some movie about abortion or something?
02:09:06.000 I think Ben Shapiro's funding movies.
02:09:09.000 Wait a minute.
02:09:11.000 Because Jamie Kennedy was the one that I was telling you yesterday that released a video on his Instagram about people getting microchipped with the vaccine.
02:09:19.000 They were putting magnets on the site where they got vaccinated.
02:09:22.000 They were saying, look, it's a magnet.
02:09:24.000 Uh-oh.
02:09:25.000 Hey, Jamie, stop following Tim Dillon.
02:09:30.000 This is the video.
02:09:32.000 So it says, you tell me RIP to my comment section.
02:09:35.000 By the way, Jamie Kennedy, I know him.
02:09:37.000 He's a nice guy. 1.00
02:09:37.000 He's probably fucking around. 1.00
02:09:39.000 What's his picture? 1.00
02:09:40.000 Is that him?
02:09:41.000 What's his profile picture?
02:09:43.000 It's Mickey Rourke and the wrestler.
02:09:45.000 We talked about this.
02:09:47.000 But this lady, look at this lady's putting this magnet on her shoulder. 1.00
02:09:50.000 And when she does, it sticks there.
02:09:52.000 But then she puts it on the other side, and she says that's where she got...
02:09:55.000 Are you sure that's not a nicotine patch?
02:09:56.000 No, go with the volume so you can hear it, because she gets crazy. 1.00
02:09:59.000 She's like, that's it!
02:10:00.000 We're chipped! 1.00
02:10:01.000 We're fucked! 1.00
02:10:01.000 Well, she's wearing a mask inside, so I already think she's an idiot. 1.00
02:10:03.000 You can't figure it out. 1.00
02:10:04.000 We're chipped. 1.00
02:10:05.000 We're all fucked. 1.00
02:10:13.000 I don't understand her voice. 1.00
02:10:15.000 She put the magnet over the spot where she got vaccinated and she sees a microchip in there so the magnet is sticking on her arm.
02:10:23.000 I think it got stuck in the cellulite.
02:10:25.000 I think this is Russian propaganda.
02:10:26.000 They're trying to make us go crazy.
02:10:28.000 I'm obsessed with Russian propaganda.
02:10:30.000 I'm obsessed with Russia. 0.99
02:10:31.000 So I have these Russian movers that move all my shit, right? 1.00
02:10:34.000 Which, by the way, fucking... 1.00
02:10:35.000 When Tim Dillon moved to Agora Hills and then moved to... 0.99
02:10:38.000 I had to hire them like 15 times to get Tim's furniture in and out.
02:10:42.000 What is Tim?
02:10:43.000 Your child?
02:10:44.000 Is he your son? 1.00
02:10:45.000 Tim Dillon is, we're like a fucked up married couple. 0.99
02:10:50.000 I don't know what to tell you. 1.00
02:10:51.000 It's very sadistic.
02:10:52.000 It's very Bonnie and Clyde.
02:10:54.000 But he, we had these Russian movers.
02:10:57.000 I'm obsessed with the, so most Russian people, if you talk to them, they say that they believe, it's very common knowledge over there, that Vladimir Putin has a double that got plastic surgery to look exactly like him for public appearances.
02:11:12.000 They said that about Melania, too, but I believe it for Vladimir Putin.
02:11:15.000 Putin?
02:11:16.000 Whatever you want to call him.
02:11:18.000 Remember that movie, Dave, with Kevin Kline, where the president got sick and they had to find his twin?
02:11:25.000 Oh, yeah.
02:11:25.000 Remember when they thought Melania had a double?
02:11:27.000 Yes!
02:11:28.000 I auditioned for that part.
02:11:30.000 Cheers.
02:11:31.000 The double was making out with Donald, and everybody's like, Melania hates him, but this double, she's got a fake nose, and she's wearing weird sunglasses, and she'd be really affectionate with Donald.
02:11:40.000 Will you look up someone, Jamie, called April Tillman?
02:11:44.000 Have you done your 23andMe ancestry stuff?
02:11:46.000 Yes.
02:11:46.000 And?
02:11:47.000 I got a whole bit on it tonight.
02:11:48.000 I can't wait.
02:11:49.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:11:50.000 You were doing shit at the comedy store before the pandemic that was fucking cracking so hard. 0.99
02:11:55.000 So this is not me. 0.99
02:11:58.000 What about her?
02:11:58.000 April Tillman?
02:11:59.000 Oh, people think it's you?
02:12:01.000 That's not me.
02:12:02.000 But look, pull out, because that's Whitney right there. 1.00
02:12:04.000 That's me.
02:12:05.000 Right.
02:12:05.000 But not on the far left.
02:12:06.000 That's not me.
02:12:07.000 Oh.
02:12:08.000 She looks exactly like me.
02:12:10.000 She doesn't look like you. 0.96
02:12:11.000 You don't think?
02:12:12.000 No. 1.00
02:12:13.000 If, like, she showed up at my house, hi, I'm Whitney, I'd be like, bitch, who the fuck are you? 1.00
02:12:17.000 I know what you look like. 1.00
02:12:18.000 But you know me well.
02:12:19.000 I've seen you a million times.
02:12:20.000 You've seen me in bad lighting, you've seen me in the comedy store.
02:12:22.000 Yeah, but that lady's not you. 1.00
02:12:22.000 I'd be like, that's not her. 1.00
02:12:23.000 If they tried to make them look like each other, I bet they'd look exactly alike.
02:12:26.000 Dude, if I just do a couple things, I feel like we can both do dates the same night.
02:12:30.000 I can teach her to do stand-up. 1.00
02:12:31.000 That bitch isn't funny. 1.00
02:12:34.000 I'm not buying it. 1.00
02:12:35.000 I don't know.
02:12:36.000 I'm kidding, lady. 0.99
02:12:37.000 You might be funny.
02:12:38.000 What's her name?
02:12:38.000 Well, April Tillman.
02:12:40.000 I'm sorry, April.
02:12:41.000 She's a Pilates instructor in Portland.
02:12:42.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
02:12:44.000 You're blowing up April Tillman?
02:12:45.000 I thought she was an actress. 1.00
02:12:46.000 But they say that we have about six people.
02:12:49.000 Oh, my God.
02:12:50.000 You guys do look the same.
02:12:52.000 We have the same gums.
02:12:53.000 Oh, no.
02:12:53.000 That's crazy.
02:12:54.000 I'm sorry, April.
02:12:55.000 I'm wrong.
02:12:56.000 The same wrinkles in our face.
02:12:57.000 Look at you guys together.
02:12:58.000 That's crazy.
02:12:59.000 It's weird.
02:13:00.000 100% could be our sister. 1.00
02:13:01.000 It's fucking our teeth, our gums, our crow's feet. 0.99
02:13:06.000 And you look exactly the same age, too. 1.00
02:13:08.000 That's crazy. 0.98
02:13:09.000 It's a little fucking weird, dude. 0.99
02:13:10.000 Oh, well, because you know my last special, I had the robot maid. 0.99
02:13:13.000 Dude, that's so crazy. 0.99
02:13:14.000 And I wanted to have her do all my press for me, like Jimmy Kimmel or whatever the fuck talk show. 1.00
02:13:18.000 Imagine if you did that. 0.99
02:13:19.000 I had her come out for me in Spokane.
02:13:21.000 I flew her up to Coeur d'Alene and put her on stage and I trained her.
02:13:24.000 I'm working on the video for Instagram right now where she was like impersonating me but she was too sweet and no one bought that it was me.
02:13:30.000 She was like, hey everybody! 0.98
02:13:32.000 Whereas I'm like, what's up bitches? 1.00
02:13:34.000 But I set her on stage and people thought it was me for like a good minute and a half. 0.99
02:13:39.000 When I did Chicago, I did Chicago theater like Oh God, I don't even know what it was, like maybe 2012 or some shit like that.
02:13:46.000 I had Callan go on stage as me. 0.99
02:13:48.000 Oh shit. 0.99
02:13:48.000 So they introduced Joe Rogan and Brian Callan walks on stage and people were clapping and cheering. 0.99
02:13:54.000 He's like, hey, what's up?
02:13:56.000 How's everybody doing? 0.98
02:13:57.000 But there was a weird moment where everybody was like, what the fuck is happening?
02:14:01.000 But there's an interesting confirmation bias when people just want to look for evidence, which is always such an interesting thought experiment because I do think that's what people do now. 0.92
02:14:11.000 They have decided something, whether it's right or not, and then they just look for evidence to prove themselves right for their ego.
02:14:19.000 That's definitely true.
02:14:20.000 And they'll discard any new information, whereas comedians say what the fuck you want about us, but we're the people like, oh, I didn't know that.
02:14:27.000 I'm going to change my mind now. 0.53
02:14:29.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:14:29.000 Whereas a lot of people are just looking for things to prove the dumb shit they already believe. 1.00
02:14:34.000 There's definitely a lot of that. 1.00
02:14:35.000 Yeah.
02:14:36.000 It's hard for people to accept...
02:14:38.000 I talked about this yesterday with this guy, Andy Norman, who wrote this book, Mental Immunity.
02:14:42.000 Oh, cool.
02:14:43.000 He's a professor, and he was talking about...
02:14:45.000 The whole book is about ideas.
02:14:47.000 What does he say?
02:14:48.000 Stop drinking whiskey during the day?
02:14:49.000 No, he said, go ahead, do that. 0.97
02:14:51.000 Mind parasites. 0.98
02:14:52.000 Yeah, but that's like a lot of bad ideas, or like mind parasites. 0.99
02:14:55.000 Mm-hmm.
02:14:56.000 Well, also, I think that humans, and I was thinking about this earlier when you brought up, like, stand-up and the fear of heights and the fears that we inherit.
02:15:05.000 Like, the fear of being embarrassed.
02:15:07.000 Oh, yeah.
02:15:08.000 It's bad for people.
02:15:09.000 It's so deep.
02:15:10.000 And I don't think we talk about it enough because a lot of people, I can't remember who, I'm plagiarizing, but it was probably Chris Rock or Luis E.K. who's like, stand-up is how we control how we're embarrassed.
02:15:21.000 I'm going to embarrass myself before, I'm going to make fun of myself before you can fucking do it. 0.98
02:15:25.000 Yeah, that's for sure, right? 0.98
02:15:27.000 Embarrassment means death, not getting a mate, not procreating. 1.00
02:15:31.000 Shame and embarrassment is such a motherfucker. 0.99
02:15:34.000 Right, because it's a rejection of your position in the social circle. 1.00
02:15:38.000 That's right.
02:15:38.000 You're low on the totem pole and you're the first to die.
02:15:41.000 Yeah.
02:15:42.000 Or you're not, depending on how you handle it.
02:15:46.000 Remember Lord of the Flies?
02:15:47.000 Was that what it's called? 1.00
02:15:48.000 That movie is savage as shit. 1.00
02:15:51.000 That's how people are. 1.00
02:15:52.000 Remember what happened when the George Floyd protests went down and people just started roaming through the streets, smashing people's windows and doing crazy shit? 0.76
02:16:02.000 It was so interesting, so telling, because there was a moment where there was the perfect...
02:16:09.000 There's a convergence of all these different things that were happening that were bad.
02:16:16.000 There was a perfect merging of chaos and anger.
02:16:21.000 And nothing to lose.
02:16:22.000 Yeah.
02:16:22.000 Watching the George Floyd death.
02:16:24.000 But the fact that George Floyd death was multiple months into this pandemic.
02:16:28.000 That was scary.
02:16:30.000 So everybody's fears were heightened and then all of a sudden everybody got into extreme poverty because the money wasn't rolling in.
02:16:37.000 And the stimulus checks, they kept promising us.
02:16:39.000 They weren't happening.
02:16:40.000 And we were seeing evidence of government hypocrisy and the fact they didn't really care.
02:16:45.000 People started getting freaked out.
02:16:46.000 And we were on our phones all day.
02:16:46.000 So we watched the whole video.
02:16:48.000 Nine fucking minutes. 1.00
02:16:49.000 And you're scared of each other because literally running into someone could give you a disease that could kill you. 1.00
02:16:55.000 The first time in our lives where you could run into someone if they don't have a mask on, they could spit in your mouth and you could be dead.
02:17:01.000 That's right.
02:17:02.000 The only way I can come.
02:17:03.000 That's when you've never had that before.
02:17:04.000 Oh.
02:17:05.000 Just to have COVID spit in my mouth. 0.54
02:17:08.000 She's got T-cells. 0.99
02:17:09.000 It's been a great year for me.
02:17:10.000 Let's give her some D-cells. 1.00
02:17:11.000 And it was wild.
02:17:13.000 I think about that.
02:17:14.000 And who was it that was talking, it might have even been on your podcast, that when we are in fear, our IQ goes down because our frontal lobe shuts off and our amygdala is running. 0.89
02:17:22.000 We get dumber when we're scared.
02:17:24.000 Well, 100%. 0.99
02:17:25.000 That's what happens to fighters. 0.96
02:17:26.000 When fighters panic, they start fighting shitty.
02:17:30.000 They don't use good technique, and they can't see the whole picture.
02:17:36.000 They get binders on, blinders on, and they start looking at things really narrowly.
02:17:41.000 They just start doing one technique over and over again, hoping to end the anxiety of this particularly scary moment.
02:17:48.000 Instead of being able to see it.
02:17:49.000 When a fighter is loose and relaxed, it's a cool thing to watch because they see things.
02:17:55.000 Like if a relaxed fighter is fighting a fighter who's terrified, it's really interesting because the relaxed fighter, he sees all these openings, but the tense fighter is so fucking worried about his own existence and just...
02:18:08.000 Fight or flight.
02:18:10.000 Yeah, and he's overwhelmed by it.
02:18:11.000 It's almost like being drunk.
02:18:13.000 Like, a little bit of alcohol is like, ah, I love you, I love you!
02:18:18.000 But a lot of alcohol is you're throwing up on the curb, you're falling apart, you don't know what to do.
02:18:23.000 A little bit of anxiety is what I like.
02:18:25.000 I like a little.
02:18:27.000 Every time I go on stage, I get a little nervous.
02:18:29.000 I like that.
02:18:29.000 I get in trouble for this all the time.
02:18:31.000 I talk about it on my podcast all the time because there's this new trend where people are like, I have an anxiety disorder.
02:18:36.000 I know there's real ones.
02:18:37.000 I have a family member who couldn't get out of bed every day, had agoraphobia.
02:18:41.000 I get what that...
02:18:43.000 I don't know what this real debilitating mental obstacle is, but when people are like, I just have anxiety or I have social anxiety, that's probably your body trying to tell you something or it's fueled to do something interesting.
02:18:54.000 So for me, I spent all this time in my 20s being like, I have social anxiety, I go to parties and I feel anxious. 0.99
02:18:58.000 No, these people just suck. 0.99
02:19:00.000 This is my body telling me to get out of this party and then I go to the comedy store and I'm around comics that are... 1.00
02:19:07.000 Most people would say, this is toxic.
02:19:09.000 I feel safe there.
02:19:10.000 That's where I have an absence of anxiety.
02:19:12.000 I feel understood, whatever.
02:19:13.000 Maybe your anxiety is just trying to tell you to get out of this situation and it's helpful information.
02:19:19.000 100%.
02:19:19.000 I think you're dead right.
02:19:21.000 I think when you're around people that care about you, you feel good.
02:19:24.000 You're around people that are looking out for you.
02:19:27.000 They vibrate on the same frequency.
02:19:28.000 Yeah.
02:19:29.000 The thing about the store that's always been interesting is there's a lot of camaraderie there.
02:19:32.000 There's a lot of love and family there.
02:19:34.000 And there's a lot of people that didn't experience that, so they get angry.
02:19:37.000 I didn't get the love. 1.00
02:19:38.000 Fuck that place. 1.00
02:19:39.000 But it's not that you couldn't have. 1.00
02:19:41.000 You get out what you put in.
02:19:43.000 But you do get out what you put in, but also maybe you didn't have the right conversations.
02:19:47.000 You didn't see the right people. 0.95
02:19:49.000 Like if I knew somebody that was like, you know, the comedy store, they're not fucking, they don't care about me. 1.00
02:19:54.000 They're fucking shitty. 1.00
02:19:55.000 You know, it's just a boys club. 1.00
02:19:57.000 I'd be like, please come with me.
02:19:59.000 Please, please.
02:20:00.000 We're all okay.
02:20:01.000 Like, if I could take you to that back bar and we could all hang out and joke around, you would realize, like, oh my god, these people are so nice.
02:20:08.000 Everyone's so nice.
02:20:09.000 The nicest, but if you feel...
02:20:11.000 I always said this because I started getting all these calls about, let's talk about how toxic the comic store. 0.97
02:20:15.000 I was like, bitch, I'm not the person to fucking call about this because that is a warm hug to me. 0.97
02:20:18.000 And if you come in with judgments about these people, you're gonna find what you're looking for. 0.99
02:20:24.000 But here's what part of it is.
02:20:25.000 It's a walled garden.
02:20:27.000 There's this thing that's happening in this place where you can't get in.
02:20:30.000 There's this weird club, and inside that club is Anthony Jeselnik, and you, and Annie Letterman, and Diaz, and these savages, and they're erupting these rooms.
02:20:41.000 And Rick Ingram, and Theo Vaughn, and it's chaos.
02:20:45.000 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
02:20:47.000 And you can't get a spot.
02:20:50.000 So you think somehow or another you're not being respected.
02:20:52.000 So to me, when people are always like, I'm not getting a spouse, I'm sorry.
02:20:55.000 I'm like, try to follow Joey Diaz.
02:20:57.000 It's impossible.
02:20:58.000 And the OR, I've done it.
02:21:00.000 Every time I've had to follow Joey Diaz, I'm literally stretching in the hallway.
02:21:05.000 And I know that for the first three minutes of my set, I just have to acknowledge Joey Diaz.
02:21:09.000 I have to do callbacks to Joey Diaz because I know they just miss him for the first three minutes.
02:21:14.000 I just have to ease them into...
02:21:16.000 You know, that's why I started bringing him on the road with me.
02:21:18.000 To follow him.
02:21:19.000 Yes.
02:21:19.000 Genius.
02:21:20.000 Listen, I work out.
02:21:22.000 Okay?
02:21:23.000 I'm here to work out.
02:21:24.000 That's right.
02:21:24.000 I'm not here to spar with white belts.
02:21:26.000 I want to spar with good brown belts.
02:21:28.000 You don't get better.
02:21:29.000 I want to get in a dangerous place. 1.00
02:21:31.000 Joey's a fucking master. 1.00
02:21:33.000 He's a red belt. 1.00
02:21:34.000 He's a grand master.
02:21:35.000 When Joey's done, people get up and go to the back.
02:21:39.000 The show's over.
02:21:40.000 They go outside to do coke.
02:21:41.000 They can't even handle it anymore.
02:21:43.000 Like, what are we doing?
02:21:43.000 And they're all, like, texting their friends.
02:21:45.000 I just saw Joey Diaz. 1.00
02:21:46.000 And you're just up there eating shit. 0.98
02:21:48.000 Listen, I always tell everybody that Joey Diaz is the funniest person on earth. 0.99
02:21:52.000 There's other people that are funny and they're brilliant.
02:21:55.000 And it's like, my funny or my brilliant is different than yours.
02:22:00.000 Just like my music.
02:22:01.000 Like, I remember I got into my car once and I had a Sheryl Crow CD playing. 0.98
02:22:06.000 And my friend Eddie's girlfriend was like, whose fucking CD is this? 0.99
02:22:09.000 I go... 0.99
02:22:10.000 Mine?
02:22:10.000 And she's like, there's no way you like Sheryl Crow.
02:22:13.000 I go, stop. 0.99
02:22:14.000 She's a gangster. 1.00
02:22:14.000 I fucking love Sheryl Crow. 1.00
02:22:16.000 You're my favorite mistake. 1.00
02:22:17.000 You're my favorite mistake!
02:22:19.000 That's the song!
02:22:20.000 That's the one! 1.00
02:22:21.000 That's my shit. 1.00
02:22:22.000 Dude, that's one of the best songs of all time. 0.99
02:22:25.000 It's a great song.
02:22:26.000 A genius. 0.98
02:22:26.000 When it comes to a fucked up chaos, remorse, relationship song. 0.98
02:22:31.000 And by the way, taking fucking responsibility. 1.00
02:22:34.000 Some of the women I know are like, that person fucked me over and I just loved him too much. 1.00
02:22:37.000 I'm like, that was a fucking mistake and you're into him and if he came back right now, you'd fuck him and ruin your entire marriage for him and just know that. 1.00
02:22:44.000 You know what I mean? 1.00
02:22:45.000 You're my favorite mistake. 1.00
02:22:47.000 With that fucking raspy voice, that mole. 1.00
02:22:50.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:22:52.000 She's brilliant.
02:22:53.000 I do love to play this song, and I was just playing with this guy that's on the road with me in Texas, Fahim.
02:22:58.000 Anwar? 0.95
02:22:58.000 By the way, no. 0.95
02:22:59.000 You got other Fahim?
02:23:00.000 I'm so racist.
02:23:01.000 You're cheating on a different Fahim? 0.81
02:23:02.000 No, no, it's Zahid, and I called him Fahim, because I was thinking of Fahim, and Zahid comes on the road with me Thursday.
02:23:10.000 We're going to tell him tonight, because he's on the show tonight.
02:23:11.000 The best.
02:23:13.000 So is Ian.
02:23:14.000 I can't wait.
02:23:15.000 By the way, I tried to take Ian Edwards to the pig farm with me in Bastrop, and he was like, no.
02:23:21.000 Bonnie McFarlane's on Thursday, too. 0.98
02:23:22.000 No fucking way. 0.99
02:23:24.000 Dallas Thursday. 1.00
02:23:25.000 That sucks. 0.99
02:23:26.000 Bonnie McFarlane's documentary. 0.98
02:23:27.000 Well, you're going to have to move here.
02:23:29.000 Can I tell you something?
02:23:30.000 We have things happening.
02:23:31.000 I've been trying to move here with Joe Rogan.
02:23:33.000 What do you need to do?
02:23:34.000 Get that Sandy lady to let you live in her house. 1.00
02:23:39.000 Here's the thing.
02:23:40.000 You know I have...
02:23:41.000 Be my neighbor! 1.00
02:23:41.000 I have a fucking Achilles... 1.00
02:23:43.000 What do you call it? 1.00
02:23:44.000 My Achilles heel is West Virginia. 0.93
02:23:46.000 It's talking out of your neck. 1.00
02:23:47.000 Push that fucking microphone forward. 1.00
02:23:50.000 I see Jamie panicking over there. 1.00
02:23:53.000 He's ready to jump up and grab that thing and put it in front of your face. 0.98
02:23:56.000 Well, I used to when I first did your show, I get really kind of nervous and I would be too far away from it because I was afraid of being shrill to men because my voice is so fucking unfuckable. 0.95
02:24:07.000 Why would you be worried about being shrill to men? 0.95
02:24:08.000 I think Think about it.
02:24:11.000 Women in comedy, I don't feel like I'm a victim. 0.99
02:24:13.000 I don't feel like my life is hard.
02:24:15.000 I never play the, like, I'm a woman in comedy. 0.99
02:24:17.000 It's so hard shit. 0.99
02:24:18.000 Everyone that, like, hazed me, I'm great. 1.00
02:24:20.000 I should send Ari Shapiro a thank you note every month for the fucking pranks he pulled on me when I started doing stand-up because it made me so much fucking stronger. 1.00
02:24:30.000 He made me a birthday cake and said, happy birthday, faggot. 1.00
02:24:41.000 It's 100% true! 1.00
02:24:43.000 Ari, one time...
02:24:44.000 It's 100% true!
02:24:45.000 Because he calls me that all the time.
02:24:47.000 We call each other that. 1.00
02:24:48.000 Was it a giant, like, donut hole so you could fuck it? 1.00
02:24:51.000 It's perfect. 1.00
02:24:52.000 God damn it, Ari. 1.00
02:24:53.000 When was that? 0.99
02:24:54.000 I think it was my 40th.
02:24:56.000 It was like 13 years ago.
02:24:58.000 I don't even think you know the story.
02:25:00.000 And I was thinking about this when you brought up Bernie Madoff and I was trying to make the argument that if you're doing something so immoral but you succeed at it, are you a genius?
02:25:08.000 Because I remember when I first started getting original room spots, I started getting the 9 o'clock spot where you're opening and Mitzi's may or may not be.
02:25:18.000 It's a big deal.
02:25:19.000 You're performing for two Germans.
02:25:21.000 And before the real comics kind of got there, you had to break the crowd.
02:25:25.000 And I had just gotten my wallet stolen.
02:25:27.000 My wallet was stolen and my credit card had been copied.
02:25:33.000 And they were taking $300 a day out of my ATM thing.
02:25:37.000 And it was like the kind of thing that's like, if you can create a fake credit card that works in an ATM machine with that magnetic strip, you're a genius.
02:25:43.000 Just go get a real job.
02:25:44.000 Just do something cool like Frank Abagnale does now, you know?
02:25:51.000 Right. 1.00
02:26:25.000 Don't shit in the punch bowl. 1.00
02:26:26.000 I never wanted to fuck up that dynamic in the hallway. 1.00
02:26:29.000 Of course, yeah.
02:26:30.000 The hallway dynamic is everything, right?
02:26:33.000 Everything to me.
02:26:34.000 Everything.
02:26:34.000 That was the only place I ever fucking felt comfortable.
02:26:37.000 And I was like, I don't want to fuck this up by blowing Santino. 0.98
02:26:43.000 You know that I tried to blow Bobby Lee once? 0.97
02:26:45.000 No.
02:26:45.000 As a joke.
02:26:45.000 It was impossible.
02:26:46.000 And we were laughing so hard.
02:26:47.000 Your head was too big. 1.00
02:26:52.000 I used his dick to floss my teeth, though. 1.00
02:26:54.000 That was helpful. 1.00
02:26:54.000 Oh. 1.00
02:26:55.000 I love mommy so much.
02:26:57.000 You went too far.
02:26:58.000 He was one of the first people that brought me on the road with him. 0.99
02:27:00.000 Him and Steve Byrne brought me on the road to open for him, and that's where you fucking get good.
02:27:04.000 I didn't run into you until you already had a television show, and then I was coming out to the store. 0.91
02:27:09.000 I'd been gone for seven years.
02:27:11.000 Crazy.
02:27:12.000 So in that time that I was gone, you had like emerged and you had your show with Chris and then you were at the store and then I ran into you at the Laugh Factor before I ever did the store again.
02:27:23.000 Interesting.
02:27:23.000 I ran into you, I think we met in the 2013 or something like that.
02:27:27.000 It is wild because meeting you, like, I had heard there was this lore about you because you had left the comedy store.
02:27:33.000 I mean, the Showtime documentary kind of documented that, I think, pretty well.
02:27:38.000 But you, I heard so much about you and the aftermath of that thing with Mencia was such a huge part of the DNA of that place.
02:27:50.000 Because I would go up late, like right before Don Barris.
02:27:53.000 I mean, I would go to bed at 10 p.m.
02:27:58.000 and set my alarm for 1 in the morning to walk down to the comedy store.
02:28:01.000 I rented a place on Miller Drive right behind the comedy store because I just wanted spots at the comedy store. 0.84
02:28:07.000 My whole life was, even before I was a comic, I made it integral to just doing fucking 15 minutes there.
02:28:14.000 I would go Sundays and Mondays at 5pm to sign up for the open mic and then wait for three hours to see if you were going to get on and then you get three minutes.
02:28:24.000 So I was a part of that whole open mic crowd and you were talked about so much that by the time I actually met you it was just like I feel like I know you.
02:28:34.000 What year was this?
02:28:35.000 God, I started doing, I guess, 2005?
02:28:41.000 When did you go to the store?
02:28:42.000 I started going to the store.
02:28:44.000 I had already done, like, VH1 was doing all those shows with comedians.
02:28:47.000 Like, that was how I was kind of paying my, like, week-to-week, like, best week ever, where comics would just make...
02:28:51.000 Make fun of celebrities.
02:28:54.000 I already had some TV credits, which at that time people would hate that you're coming in.
02:29:01.000 Doc was running the list, and I would come in.
02:29:04.000 You would sign up with a bunch of literally homeless people.
02:29:10.000 Tony Hinchcliffe, I think, was maybe working the door by then.
02:29:14.000 He had a tent.
02:29:14.000 Maybe.
02:29:15.000 He wasn't homeless, but he had his own tent.
02:29:20.000 He did have his own tent.
02:29:21.000 Robert William Aprivaya. 0.99
02:29:23.000 And then, who the fuck? 0.99
02:29:24.000 Boom Shakalaka would be running around. 1.00
02:29:26.000 Remember Robert William Aprivaya?
02:29:28.000 I think so.
02:29:29.000 He was the guy who would go on really late at night and talk about marijuana. 0.64
02:29:31.000 He used to be a lawyer, but he had a mental issue.
02:29:34.000 Him and I were always really friends.
02:29:36.000 Oh, interesting.
02:29:37.000 He wouldn't touch you.
02:29:38.000 He'd never touch you.
02:29:39.000 And he had to realize that I didn't have to touch him.
02:29:42.000 I wouldn't shake hands or bump fists or anything.
02:29:44.000 Oh, interesting.
02:29:45.000 He wore the same blue suit.
02:29:48.000 And he stuffed his...
02:29:50.000 There's Robert.
02:29:51.000 You know who would go on?
02:29:52.000 He stuffed his jacket with plastic bags when it would rain out.
02:29:56.000 And he would walk all the way from downtown. 0.98
02:29:58.000 That's fucking fascinating. 0.95
02:30:00.000 And he would do open mic nights Mondays and Tuesday nights, or Sunday and Monday nights, and he was actually pretty funny. 0.98
02:30:05.000 Well, I mean, there was a guy that, I mean, Dov Davidov gave me shit for this once, because I would, like, become friends with everyone.
02:30:10.000 I mean, going to the comic store and sitting on that patio with a bunch of... 0.99
02:30:13.000 Fucking mentally ill, schizophrenic was the first time I ever felt comfortable in life. 1.00
02:30:18.000 You know, all the broken toys getting together. 1.00
02:30:20.000 And I would talk to everyone.
02:30:22.000 And Dove used to be like, Dove Davidoff was like, why do you connect with these crazy people?
02:30:27.000 Why are you talking to these people?
02:30:28.000 They're open micers.
02:30:28.000 Like, what are you doing?
02:30:29.000 And in my brain, I'm like, I found a family.
02:30:31.000 This is the first time I've had a family.
02:30:33.000 And then I was like, I don't know what you're talking about.
02:30:35.000 And a guy with his act was he would wear an actual dollhouse on his head.
02:30:42.000 And This is the kind of haven the Comedy Store has.
02:30:46.000 A plastic dollhouse and his eyes would show through the windows and he'd do his act as a dollhouse.
02:30:58.000 I was like, hey buddy!
02:31:00.000 It didn't occur to me that it was weird to talk to a guy with a dollhouse on his head.
02:31:03.000 That was my comfort zone.
02:31:05.000 There's a certain beauty in accepting someone who's so far off the regular chart.
02:31:12.000 That's right.
02:31:12.000 He's so crazy that you're like, you're alright, man.
02:31:15.000 You're not hurting me. 0.62
02:31:16.000 We're all friends.
02:31:17.000 You're the person I want to talk to.
02:31:18.000 I want to talk to the guy with the dollhouse on his head.
02:31:21.000 The Jesus guy. 0.67
02:31:22.000 Cut! 1.00
02:31:22.000 The Jesus guy. 1.00
02:31:24.000 The guy, when he died, we were all legitimately sad.
02:31:28.000 Devastated.
02:31:28.000 Did he die?
02:31:29.000 When did he die?
02:31:29.000 How long ago?
02:31:30.000 He died, what was that, five years ago?
02:31:31.000 A few years ago.
02:31:32.000 He would dress as Jesus, walk around Los Angeles, committed to it so hard.
02:31:36.000 Because I do think comedians, we bow down to anyone that's braver than us.
02:31:41.000 Right? 0.99
02:31:42.000 I think he might have been mentally ill.
02:31:44.000 I don't know if it's bravery.
02:31:45.000 100%.
02:31:45.000 He might have really thought he was Jesus.
02:31:46.000 But then I'm like, I want that kind of, oh no, buddy.
02:31:49.000 He was a nice guy.
02:31:51.000 I always enjoyed talking to him.
02:31:52.000 He was really friendly.
02:31:53.000 I don't think I've ever spent time on how thick his beard was.
02:31:57.000 Oh, it's manly.
02:31:58.000 Good for you, buddy.
02:31:59.000 Very strong.
02:31:59.000 Doing that krill oil.
02:32:04.000 We're good to go.
02:32:19.000 Well, Jesus would not steal.
02:32:21.000 Right.
02:32:21.000 But he was really nice.
02:32:23.000 So like, yeah, what's up with that guy dressed up like Jesus? 0.78
02:32:27.000 The fact that he didn't walk around with prostitutes was the only thing out of character is he didn't hang out with prostitutes, which would have really sold it. 1.00
02:32:36.000 You don't know shit. 1.00
02:32:37.000 Where did he live? 1.00
02:32:38.000 Where did he sleep?
02:32:39.000 Did you ever see that documentary about the people that dress up as superheroes on Hollywood Boulevard?
02:32:45.000 You mean my parents?
02:32:46.000 No.
02:32:54.000 Will you please cut me out of this?
02:32:56.000 Will you please not involve me in this? 0.99
02:32:58.000 No, the fucking zoo needs to be saved. 0.99
02:33:00.000 We need to get those Asiatic bears out of that zoo. 1.00
02:33:03.000 We need to keep you on the shelf.
02:33:03.000 No, look, I have a couple giraffes to save down the street.
02:33:05.000 I do, dude. 0.99
02:33:06.000 And there are fucking... 0.98
02:33:07.000 Don't even get me started on this. 0.99
02:33:08.000 There's also lions.
02:33:09.000 Really, giraffes?
02:33:10.000 I go in. 0.99
02:33:11.000 Well, the giraffe is what I was trying to save at Malibu Safari in Malibu because it's a fucking illegal giraffe. 0.99
02:33:17.000 Can I just explain... 0.98
02:33:18.000 This is how I'm going to get your attention for it.
02:33:20.000 There are Native American cave paintings up there, and he will not allow it to be preserved by some conservation society.
02:33:29.000 Oh, that's a problem.
02:33:31.000 There's private land you can buy right now all over the country that has hieroglyphs.
02:33:37.000 Or petroglyphs. 0.99
02:33:38.000 Lions at the capital of Texas Zoo, fuck you guys, where they had a baby and it's not even allowed to be with the parents and they sold off the males to a zoo in Florida. 1.00
02:33:49.000 This is not legal, not okay. 1.00
02:33:51.000 You know what I'm saying?
02:33:51.000 So for me, I'm not taking a moral stance.
02:33:54.000 It's just illegal.
02:33:55.000 I'm just trying to enforce the law.
02:33:56.000 Let's bring it all back.
02:33:57.000 Uh oh.
02:34:01.000 Why don't chicken farms freak you out more?
02:34:05.000 Because...
02:34:06.000 But here's the thing.
02:34:06.000 Chickens aren't as intelligent.
02:34:08.000 I know.
02:34:09.000 They're not as intelligent. 0.98
02:34:10.000 They have very tiny brains. 0.99
02:34:11.000 They're more ruthless predators than tigers. 0.94
02:34:14.000 How about that? 0.99
02:34:14.000 After you cut their heads off, they still live. 0.99
02:34:16.000 That's spooky. 1.00
02:34:17.000 They're witches. 0.99
02:34:18.000 Have you ever given a chicken a mouse?
02:34:20.000 I have.
02:34:21.000 Have you ever given a chicken a mouse?
02:34:23.000 Yeah.
02:34:24.000 If you give a chicken a mouse, you throw a mouse in a chicken coop, you have never seen such savagery.
02:34:29.000 Okay, hold on.
02:34:30.000 Have I ever thrown a mouse?
02:34:31.000 Whitney, this thing in your neck, what are you doing? 0.55
02:34:33.000 Why do you keep trying to make me do this? 0.67
02:34:35.000 Why are you doing this?
02:34:36.000 I'm not Judy Tenuta.
02:34:38.000 I'm not a prop comic.
02:34:39.000 I'm not going to do this.
02:34:41.000 This is going to turn into a meme on the internet.
02:34:43.000 She's doing it, right?
02:34:44.000 Isn't she doing it?
02:34:45.000 What is this?
02:34:46.000 You know what this is?
02:34:47.000 You've committed to talking to me like this.
02:34:49.000 Who's the woman that had the G-spot in her throat? 1.00
02:34:52.000 I don't think that's real.
02:34:54.000 I feel like all guys have that fantasy. 0.55
02:34:56.000 I'm like, I'm having orgasm. 1.00
02:34:58.000 Guys have decided there's a G-spot in your throat. 0.99
02:35:01.000 I don't think that's real.
02:35:03.000 I think that's like Ninja Turtles.
02:35:05.000 It's just fiction.
02:35:08.000 Dude, turtles do live in sewers.
02:35:09.000 Yeah, for sure, but not ninjas.
02:35:11.000 I'm sure.
02:35:12.000 Look, watch this chicken.
02:35:13.000 No, I can't watch this.
02:35:15.000 I can't.
02:35:15.000 You feed a bunch of mice.
02:35:17.000 Look, they steal chickens. 0.76
02:35:18.000 They steal mice. 1.00
02:35:19.000 I don't fuck with chickens. 1.00
02:35:20.000 These chickens look already well-fed. 1.00
02:35:21.000 Otherwise, they'd be fucking up these mice. 0.99
02:35:23.000 Chickens, I'm not going to dedicate my life to rescuing because you can't reason with a chicken. 0.99
02:35:26.000 That's what I'm saying.
02:35:27.000 Put up a chicken, mouse, cat.
02:35:30.000 Vultures, however, I'm obsessed with.
02:35:33.000 It's just this here Pornhub algorithm.
02:35:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:35:36.000 So, vultures, you know I love. 0.99
02:35:38.000 I fucking will move roadkill for vultures so they're out of the street. 0.99
02:35:41.000 I sent you that video yesterday. 1.00
02:35:42.000 Yes, you did.
02:35:43.000 Whitney Cummings is out here in Texas for four days.
02:35:46.000 She's already fighting with people about bears and moving carcasses to the side of the road. 0.54
02:35:50.000 Squirrel carcasses.
02:35:51.000 So, watch this.
02:35:52.000 I need you to watch this.
02:35:53.000 Here's a mouse.
02:35:54.000 Now, watch.
02:35:54.000 There's a little cat.
02:35:55.000 The cat comes around.
02:35:57.000 You would think a cat would be way more vicious.
02:35:58.000 Does it have toxoplasmosis or not?
02:36:00.000 I have to know.
02:36:01.000 Just watch.
02:36:01.000 See the cat?
02:36:02.000 The cat's just sort of swatting around this mouse.
02:36:04.000 It's definitely going to kill this mouse eventually.
02:36:07.000 But watch.
02:36:07.000 The chicken finds out.
02:36:09.000 See that chicken? 1.00
02:36:09.000 It's like, bitch, you don't know what the fuck you're doing. 1.00
02:36:11.000 Watch. 1.00
02:36:11.000 Watch. 1.00
02:36:12.000 Keep watching.
02:36:13.000 Don't look away.
02:36:13.000 Look.
02:36:14.000 Chicken. 1.00
02:36:15.000 Fuck! 1.00
02:36:15.000 It fucks up that mouse. 1.00
02:36:17.000 Chickens are way more vicious because chickens are there to eat. 1.00
02:36:20.000 You know why?
02:36:20.000 They don't play games.
02:36:21.000 I didn't know chickens were carnivores.
02:36:23.000 Way carnivores.
02:36:24.000 The irony of calling someone who's not brave a chicken.
02:36:28.000 Well, they're kind of chicken.
02:36:30.000 They're scared of things.
02:36:32.000 They're scared of me, and I fed them every day.
02:36:34.000 Well, chickens, I don't think, have enough memory to remember that you're who fed them.
02:36:40.000 They know mice is delicious.
02:36:42.000 Meece is to pieces.
02:36:42.000 That's probably smell.
02:36:43.000 If you smelled like a chicken, they'd probably hang out with you.
02:36:46.000 If you doused yourself in, you know what I mean?
02:36:48.000 Well, they do attack each other.
02:36:50.000 That was a real issue.
02:37:15.000 Do you get them?
02:37:16.000 That's what's happening on Twitter.
02:37:17.000 We're both strong.
02:37:18.000 It's a pecking order. 1.00
02:37:19.000 It's just a meanness pecking order amongst shut-ins that are mostly mentally ill. 0.96
02:37:24.000 Yeah, and then I guess the proof of alpha is in form of some likes from a bunch of people. 0.99
02:37:29.000 But I like comedians because we go, we're both in the same weight class, we can fuck with each other, and no one's going to get hurt. 0.96
02:37:36.000 You know? 0.99
02:37:37.000 Exactly.
02:37:37.000 And we don't want each other to get hurt.
02:37:38.000 And to me, people are like, isn't it the comedy show sexist?
02:37:40.000 I'm like, I walk in there and they insult me equally with the other men.
02:37:44.000 You know, Ally Wong and I had a conversation about whether or not the comedy itself was a meritocracy, and she thought it was.
02:37:51.000 I think so, too.
02:37:53.000 That's fair.
02:37:54.000 If someone's really funny, like when she was pregnant, she was murdering. 0.99
02:37:58.000 Yes.
02:37:58.000 You know what I'm saying?
02:37:58.000 There's no more meritocracy than a tiny female who's pregnant, who's also an Asian, who's also murdering on stage with a baby in her stomach, and also doing it for Netflix.
02:38:12.000 It's a meritocracy.
02:38:13.000 I was talking about this with Tim last night, Dylan.
02:38:16.000 Don't unfollow him.
02:38:17.000 He doesn't need more fame.
02:38:18.000 He's going to self-destruct.
02:38:19.000 But the comedy is ultimately about surprise, right?
02:38:24.000 It's not about hurting people's feelings.
02:38:25.000 It's not about saying the grossest thing or the most offensive thing.
02:38:28.000 It's about surprising people.
02:38:30.000 So to me, it's like going on stage pregnant as a woman. 0.99
02:38:33.000 That's fucking surprising. 0.96
02:38:35.000 There's this woman, Catherine Ryan in England, and she comes out with these little 50s housewife dresses and glittery, sparkly things. 1.00
02:38:46.000 Talks about cock. 1.00
02:38:48.000 Does she? 0.99
02:38:50.000 Sometimes.
02:38:51.000 But she admits she talks about having plastic surgery. 0.99
02:38:53.000 That's fucking surprising because most people fucking lie about it. 1.00
02:38:56.000 Right. 0.99
02:38:56.000 You know, and I think comics are, you know, the more things people make off limits and taboo, the stronger you make us because it's more surprising when we fucking say it. 0.99
02:39:05.000 People, cancel culture people don't understand.
02:39:06.000 They're just making us stronger.
02:39:07.000 Well, it's all based on fear of shame, right?
02:39:11.000 So it's based on this premise that nobody ever makes mistakes, and that's a preposterous premise.
02:39:16.000 So if someone says to me, like, hey, you probably shouldn't have said that, I'd be like, yeah, probably.
02:39:21.000 Yeah, you're right.
02:39:22.000 I don't know.
02:39:23.000 I don't know what I'm saying while I'm saying it.
02:39:29.000 I mean, you know, Annie and I and you are, you know, on a chain and every now and then I'm just like, Joe, love you.
02:39:34.000 Like, you've gotten so into the zeitgeist and you've become clickbait.
02:39:42.000 I mean, you know, news sites that are going out of business use your name to get clicked.
02:39:46.000 Look at what Tim Dillon Wright wrote.
02:39:49.000 Harry was saying, Harry slams Joe Rogan for spreading vaccine misinformation about COVID-19.
02:39:56.000 And Tim Dillon says, why don't you focus more on your family who killed your mother?
02:40:02.000 By the way, I love that you're at the Ice House.
02:40:03.000 You're definitely at the Ice House in that photo.
02:40:05.000 100%.
02:40:05.000 So that Tim Dillon, what he's doing right now is our job is to be brave and surprising.
02:40:12.000 It's not to be in line with everyone else. 0.98
02:40:14.000 We're the clowns. 0.99
02:40:15.000 We're the jokers. 0.98
02:40:16.000 100%.
02:40:16.000 Harry would be fine if I met him.
02:40:20.000 Harry?
02:40:21.000 Harry's just talking from afar.
02:40:22.000 He doesn't know me and he's lived as a royal.
02:40:24.000 If Harry and I hung out together, I could get him to relax.
02:40:28.000 That's correct.
02:40:29.000 Just relax.
02:40:29.000 That's correct.
02:40:30.000 It might take a while.
02:40:31.000 It might take a little time.
02:40:33.000 But he's not a bad guy.
02:40:34.000 He's just a guy.
02:40:36.000 But isn't it all of our instincts from a biological basis to come off moral and to virtue signal?
02:40:43.000 We're good.
02:40:43.000 Well, you know why?
02:40:44.000 It's because we're in the process of improvement, right?
02:40:47.000 And we want to pretend that we're at level 10 when we're really at level 7, right?
02:40:52.000 Everybody wants to exaggerate about their own ability to navigate this weird life that we live in.
02:40:58.000 So you want to pretend that you get it more.
02:40:59.000 Oh, you're spreading vaccine misinformation.
02:41:23.000 But so is the news.
02:41:24.000 Like, spend time dimensionalizing the issue than you, instead of making money off of intentionally scaring people, intentionally morphing the statistics to make you scared because they know that's going to make you click more and that's going to adrenalize you and get you addicted to the news site.
02:41:40.000 Well, it's not just that.
02:41:41.000 There is that. 0.98
02:41:42.000 But there's also that they're worried that you are going to make people relax and do something stupid and they're going to put other people in danger. 0.99
02:41:50.000 That to me is akin to people saying that you shouldn't have like flat earth conspiracy because you're going to trick people and thinking the earth is flat and they're going to be miseducated and it's going to be a problem and they're going to be stupid and they're going to ruin everybody else. 0.98
02:42:04.000 I get that thought process, but I am a survival of the fittest person.
02:42:09.000 I am of a belief that you need to figure out what ideas are right and what ideas are wrong and work your way through it.
02:42:16.000 And if you want to say that certain things are required because here's all the facts, we've debated it, and we figured out the right solution to how to be the perfect person and be super healthy.
02:42:29.000 But if you're not addressing key components of that and I bring those up and you don't make any account of those and only want to concentrate on one aspect of the problem, I go, well, that's not a balanced approach.
02:42:40.000 Because especially when it comes to health and what we're doing right now in this current era, this whole year that we've gone through, we've gone through Multiple different hurdles, one of them being the mental hurdle that we talked about earlier of detachment,
02:42:56.000 of not being connected to people, which is such a big part of who we are.
02:43:00.000 Adam Egott came on my podcast after not talking to anybody for months, and he was pale and weird and confused, and he got a COVID test, so he was somewhat relieved that he didn't have COVID, but he was like, you could tell, I can't We haven't been around people!
02:43:14.000 No, we are designed to have, what, a couple hours of eye contact a day?
02:43:16.000 All day!
02:43:17.000 And they even say apartment living is detrimental to your mental health because your primordial brain thinks you've been exiled from the tribe and don't have the protection of the tribe. 0.94
02:43:26.000 And you're around a bunch of people you don't fucking know, but you're around them all the time, so you never know each other well. 0.99
02:43:31.000 Next to our neighbor might have a fucking chainsaw and a dude in his bathtub. 1.00
02:43:35.000 I always think about it because I lived in the apartments for so long and I stay in hotels so much and I'm so fascinated about the cognitive dissonance that has to happen and the disconnection to our reptilian animal brains of us to all simultaneously fall asleep in the same building right next to each other when that is our most vulnerable state. 0.98
02:43:55.000 Yeah.
02:43:56.000 You know, even when I'm in hotels, the lights are off and I'm like, I'm just lying in the dark next to other people lying in the dark.
02:44:02.000 This is so wild.
02:44:03.000 Yeah, because we're all stacked on top of each other.
02:44:06.000 Someone's sleeping above me.
02:44:07.000 We're all in our most vulnerable.
02:44:08.000 And to the left, and to the right, all down the row.
02:44:10.000 I actually argue the opposite of we're more divided than ever.
02:44:13.000 I think we're more simpatico than ever that we all coexist and all fall asleep in a hotel together and don't kill each other.
02:44:20.000 We're not more divided than ever.
02:44:22.000 We're just more divided in the digital realm.
02:44:24.000 That's right.
02:44:24.000 The digital realm is so unnatural, but it's so common, it becomes far too much of the way we interact with each other.
02:44:31.000 That's the problem.
02:44:32.000 It's just not indicative of how people are when they're right in front of you.
02:44:36.000 Most people you're right in front of, they could talk crazy shit about you online, but if you saw them and you just had a few words together like, give me a hug, come on, give me a hug, and they'd hug you and you'd both feel way more relaxed. 0.97
02:44:49.000 The fact that we're all not killing each other constantly is a fucking, like a miracle. 0.95
02:44:54.000 I think that way of interacting is toxic inherently. 0.99
02:44:58.000 I agree.
02:44:59.000 I don't think there's any way around it being at least partially toxic.
02:45:02.000 However, like, and you know, I know Sam Harris did this, that incredible episode on the Roman Coliseum, and I talk about the Roman Coliseum all the time because I think right now we're blaming Twitter, we're blaming, you know, Instagram, we're blaming YouTube.
02:45:13.000 It's like humans have always done that.
02:45:15.000 I mean, Hitler did what he did without Twitter. 0.75
02:45:17.000 You know, he was, whatever he, you know, did, he was able to do But I think it's the same.
02:45:20.000 You know why?
02:45:21.000 Because Roman Coliseum, you don't know that guy. 0.99
02:45:23.000 That guy pops out of a fucking platform in the bottom of the surface, comes out and fights a tiger with a sword and gets killed. 0.99
02:45:31.000 You don't know him. 1.00
02:45:32.000 He's not your homie. 1.00
02:45:33.000 That's not my son.
02:45:33.000 That's not my brother.
02:45:34.000 That's not my friend.
02:45:35.000 You don't know that guy.
02:45:36.000 That's the same thing.
02:45:37.000 It's the same thing.
02:45:38.000 It's detachment.
02:45:39.000 If that was your brother and you had to hug your brother before he went and fought a gorilla, you'd be like, I can't do this.
02:45:45.000 But this is what it is. 0.97
02:45:46.000 It's like, have you ever been in those relationships or friendships where I have certainly, I'll speak specifically, where I've been in friendships where someone's like, I fucking cut that person off.
02:45:55.000 We were friends and then I fucking cut them off because they did this thing or they flirted with my boyfriend and they're gone and you never think it's going to be you.
02:46:01.000 You never think you're the next in line. 0.99
02:46:04.000 Why are you talking through your neck?
02:46:05.000 Oh, wait.
02:46:06.000 Why do I do that?
02:46:07.000 I don't know what that is.
02:46:08.000 Oh, this was the other question I didn't ask you.
02:46:10.000 Are you allowed to...
02:46:11.000 I mean, not allowed.
02:46:12.000 Can you break someone's windpipe?
02:46:14.000 Is it like glass?
02:46:15.000 Is that true?
02:46:15.000 No.
02:46:16.000 No.
02:46:16.000 It's pretty flexible.
02:46:17.000 Okay.
02:46:18.000 Just push on your windpipe. 1.00
02:46:19.000 Damn it. 1.00
02:46:19.000 I've got to stop getting my facts off Reddit. 1.00
02:46:21.000 It moves in a little bit.
02:46:23.000 It's kind of gushy.
02:46:24.000 I thought it was like a glass...
02:46:25.000 Have you ever cut through an animal's windpipe?
02:46:28.000 Have I? No.
02:46:29.000 It's chewy.
02:46:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:46:30.000 There's a lot of flexibility to it.
02:46:33.000 I just know that, and I want to get back to that feminism conversation at some point, that my whole deal is in the bedroom. 0.67
02:46:39.000 The younger generation of guys, they don't want to choke you or be violent.
02:46:42.000 They're too scared you're going to sue them.
02:46:44.000 So they do this hovering over your neck.
02:46:46.000 And then I said to my boyfriend, who's a critical care vet.
02:46:50.000 He's a doctor.
02:46:50.000 He understands how anatomy works.
02:46:52.000 And I was like, you don't have to worry about me suing you. 1.00
02:46:53.000 I'm not going to sue you for your fucking student loans. 1.00
02:46:56.000 You should get that on paper. 1.00
02:46:57.000 Just make him write it down.
02:46:58.000 And then he did choke me one time.
02:47:01.000 Was it fun?
02:47:01.000 He went right for the...
02:47:03.000 He did it like this instead of this.
02:47:04.000 And I was like, okay, that's like the real kind of you're trying to kill someone.
02:47:06.000 Yeah, you're trying to pull out a Steven Seagal type choke.
02:47:10.000 That's the anatomically correct way to do it.
02:47:13.000 And I'm afraid you're going to... 0.99
02:47:15.000 Actually kill me. 0.99
02:47:16.000 Get too excited.
02:47:18.000 But I think that a lot of the people that have come the hardest with this cancel culture thing are next in line and they just don't have the foresight to go like you're setting a standard that you yourself can't live up to.
02:47:29.000 What are you doing?
02:47:31.000 Well, it's just a lot of, like, weird judgment without empathy.
02:47:34.000 And here's the thing about, like, cancel culture and or woke culture.
02:47:37.000 Woke culture.
02:47:39.000 And maybe I didn't express this the best the other day when I did the podcast with Joe List, but the point is, it's like, it doesn't end.
02:47:46.000 There's never going to be...
02:47:47.000 People have this idea in their head that they're reaching for this new, better reality that's potentially available.
02:47:55.000 If they just do the right things and call out the right people and cancel the right people, But it's not.
02:48:00.000 It's going to keep going.
02:48:02.000 This was my point.
02:48:03.000 It wasn't well expressed.
02:48:04.000 But this is my point.
02:48:05.000 If you keep going, it will come for you.
02:48:07.000 That's right.
02:48:08.000 No one is ever woke enough.
02:48:09.000 That's right.
02:48:09.000 It will never end.
02:48:10.000 And, you know, I was talking about, like, white, straight male people.
02:48:14.000 But it's everybody.
02:48:15.000 It's everybody.
02:48:17.000 It's if you grew up with two parents.
02:48:19.000 It's if you, you know, didn't grow up poor.
02:48:23.000 Right.
02:48:23.000 It's if you, whatever it is.
02:48:25.000 Class trader.
02:48:26.000 Advantages that you have just without any fault of your own.
02:48:31.000 That's right.
02:48:31.000 Just randomly...
02:48:32.000 Nobody asks to be whoever it is.
02:48:36.000 Nobody asks to be Chris Evans, Captain America.
02:48:38.000 He's just Captain America.
02:48:40.000 Boom.
02:48:40.000 There he is.
02:48:41.000 Beautiful man. 1.00
02:48:41.000 Saw his dick on the internet. 1.00
02:48:42.000 Out of nowhere. 1.00
02:48:43.000 Did you?
02:48:44.000 No notes.
02:48:45.000 Whatever.
02:48:46.000 He's, you know, he got lucky.
02:48:48.000 Did he say something crazy?
02:48:49.000 Oh, okay.
02:48:49.000 No, but he got lucky.
02:48:50.000 That's who he is.
02:48:51.000 It's like, it's on his fault. 1.00
02:48:53.000 And to be angrier at him because of that is ridiculous. 0.81
02:48:57.000 And I know what happens when I'm angry at people. 0.92
02:48:59.000 I know what that means, you know?
02:49:00.000 I think I've spent enough time trying to analyze myself, not in a narcissistic way, to just be able to sort of like deactivate a lot of the...
02:49:07.000 You know, either ancestral trauma or unconscious bullshit inner child behavior is to not punish people for something someone else did to me when I was a kid.
02:49:15.000 It's not your fault. 0.99
02:49:16.000 Like, I'm finally in a super healthy relationship with someone because I take responsibility for my own shit. 0.99
02:49:21.000 I'm like, I'm upset, but it's not your fucking fault. 0.99
02:49:23.000 I'm gonna go for a walk and go cry in the car because you did nothing wrong. 0.97
02:49:27.000 I'm just not punishing people for the transgressions of others that did the best they could with the tools they had, but whatever.
02:49:34.000 And so, you know, I think it's—I know what it means when I'm mad at someone.
02:49:39.000 It means I'm jealous.
02:49:41.000 It means I have imposter syndrome.
02:49:45.000 It means if I just attack and judge them, I'm perfect. 1.00
02:49:49.000 I don't have to look at my own shit. 0.99
02:49:50.000 So when people do that on the Internet, I just try to go, like, bless your heart. 1.00
02:49:54.000 You're insecure.
02:49:55.000 You're jealous. 1.00
02:49:56.000 And I'd be doing exactly what fucking you were doing if I wasn't in a 12-step program for 12 years and like working on myself. 1.00
02:50:01.000 You know, Bill Burr came on my podcast and he was talking about trolls. 0.99
02:50:04.000 And he was like, dude, if I was 15 years old and I had a direct line to a famous person, I would fucking troll them all day. 0.99
02:50:11.000 Yeah. 0.97
02:50:12.000 That'd be so funny.
02:50:12.000 For sure.
02:50:13.000 Yeah.
02:50:13.000 I wasn't a comic.
02:50:14.000 If I didn't have the ability to express myself and talk shit on stage on podcasts, I'm sure I would be a troll. 0.98
02:50:20.000 100% be fun. 0.98
02:50:21.000 Especially if you get out some good lines and you have a bunch of people in the comments like, bye, LOL at Whitney Cummings.
02:50:26.000 If I had to work at H&R Block and was like funny and jealous of people, it's all I would do. 1.00
02:50:32.000 I'd be like, hey, Joe Rogan, fuck you, man. 1.00
02:50:34.000 That'd be hilarious to me. 1.00
02:50:35.000 It would be.
02:50:36.000 I used to egg people's houses and toilet paper people's houses. 0.97
02:50:38.000 It's kind of the same.
02:50:39.000 It's like the modern version of doing that.
02:50:41.000 Anybody who's in a position where they don't think that achieving what that person has achieved is ever possible feels like they can throw a rock.
02:50:49.000 Yes.
02:50:50.000 And it's also like you're not in the arena.
02:50:52.000 You're not taking any risks.
02:50:54.000 Your risk is- It's natural.
02:50:55.000 But it's natural.
02:50:57.000 It's part of what comes with the territory.
02:50:58.000 That's right.
02:50:59.000 It's human nature.
02:50:59.000 It comes with the territory.
02:51:01.000 And it's a small price to pay.
02:51:04.000 You know?
02:51:05.000 Stop it! 0.99
02:51:06.000 I'm sorry!
02:51:06.000 Why am I doing this?
02:51:09.000 I think I'm so... 1.00
02:51:11.000 You're afraid of black dicks. 1.00
02:51:12.000 What is it? 1.00
02:51:13.000 Oh, no, I am not.
02:51:14.000 Google me.
02:51:16.000 Push it out in front of your face.
02:51:18.000 Why do I do that every time?
02:51:19.000 I don't know.
02:51:19.000 It's only this time.
02:51:20.000 No, she never did it before, right?
02:51:22.000 Really?
02:51:22.000 No, I'm looking at your podcast.
02:51:23.000 I think that's where you're used to having it.
02:51:25.000 Right here because I... Do you have different mics than us?
02:51:28.000 Do you use these Shores? 1.00
02:51:29.000 No, I got the same ones you've got.
02:51:30.000 These are not a sponsor.
02:51:30.000 And they don't make them anymore.
02:51:32.000 They actually don't.
02:51:34.000 They stopped making the ones that we like so much.
02:51:37.000 But no, I think that I subconsciously try to make my voice.
02:51:40.000 Are you pushed away because now you're less close to me?
02:51:43.000 You're nervous?
02:51:45.000 Yes.
02:51:45.000 I'm attacking you?
02:51:46.000 This is like body language.
02:51:48.000 I'm triggered.
02:51:48.000 You're triggered.
02:51:49.000 You're pushing...
02:51:49.000 You're pushing all the way to the film?
02:51:51.000 No, because I'm too embarrassed for people to watch me adjust them. 1.00
02:51:54.000 You know when you see a fucking comedian go on stage and not know, even if they can't get the cord right, you're like, oh, you suck at comedy. 0.99
02:52:01.000 When I got my leg tangled to the cord, I'm like, no! 1.00
02:52:04.000 It's over!
02:52:04.000 It's over!
02:52:05.000 It's over!
02:52:06.000 It's over!
02:52:07.000 It's so dangerous.
02:52:08.000 The body language of when a comedian first walks up and deals with the mic is all I need to know.
02:52:14.000 Yeah.
02:52:15.000 As soon as the comedian doesn't know what's going on with the mic or can't twist the stand in a way that looks like 10,000 hours, I'm like, oh, no.
02:52:22.000 Unless it's on purpose. 0.92
02:52:23.000 Who's that guy that used to open up for Louis who's like an old school comedian who had like fucked up hair on purpose? 0.82
02:52:29.000 Not Jay London. 0.55
02:52:30.000 Jay London?
02:52:31.000 No, no, no, no.
02:52:33.000 Keep going.
02:52:33.000 Recently?
02:52:34.000 He had like a parody act.
02:52:36.000 It was not really...
02:52:38.000 Neil Hamburger?
02:52:39.000 Yes.
02:52:39.000 Oh!
02:52:40.000 Thank you.
02:52:41.000 Thank you very much.
02:52:42.000 Neil Hamburger. 0.98
02:52:43.000 He's funny in a wild fucking way. 0.99
02:52:45.000 Wild, dude. 0.99
02:52:46.000 Hilarious.
02:52:47.000 And he would go on stage with this like fake act.
02:52:50.000 Like he was a fake bad comedian.
02:52:52.000 That's right, that's right.
02:52:52.000 But he was actually really funny.
02:52:54.000 And it was so funny in comics. 1.00
02:52:56.000 So stupid. 1.00
02:52:57.000 So dumb. 1.00
02:52:59.000 But really funny. 0.99
02:53:00.000 I saw him open up for Louie.
02:53:02.000 You know what I think?
02:53:04.000 I think I miss Andy Kindler, and I think I was like...
02:53:07.000 He's still alive!
02:53:08.000 I know!
02:53:09.000 I know!
02:53:10.000 Jesus Christ!
02:53:10.000 Call him up!
02:53:11.000 What the fuck? 0.99
02:53:11.000 But remember, he would do Montreal, he would do that state of the industry thing, and I was looking at Tim Dillon yesterday, and I was like, oh, maybe you're the next Andy Kindler in terms of trashing the business and critiquing... 0.99
02:53:21.000 But a little more popular.
02:53:22.000 Yes, yes, yes, yes.
02:53:23.000 Andy Kindler used to go on stage at Montreal.
02:53:26.000 He would do the State of the Industry.
02:53:27.000 Is that what it was called?
02:53:28.000 Yes, yes.
02:53:28.000 Brilliant.
02:53:29.000 And he would roast...
02:53:30.000 Every comedian.
02:53:31.000 Every popular comedian.
02:53:33.000 Everybody that was doing great.
02:53:34.000 Everybody that had a deal.
02:53:35.000 He'd roast all the agents.
02:53:37.000 He'd roast all the managers. 0.84
02:53:38.000 He'd roast HBO. So specifically.
02:53:41.000 It was for comedians.
02:53:42.000 It was a genius show.
02:53:44.000 Because for comics and people in the industry, it was so inside.
02:53:48.000 And it was a genius show.
02:53:50.000 I remember one time he closed with a joke about Penguin's Comedy Club.
02:53:53.000 I think in Pittsburgh or something.
02:53:56.000 And it was like...
02:53:56.000 Because it's so hard to make comics laugh, you know?
02:53:59.000 And to me, I just remember fucking dying. 0.96
02:54:02.000 And then Tim kind of does that. 0.98
02:54:04.000 Because I remember...
02:54:05.000 When I was doing the Joan Rivers or I was speaking of, I had a joke that would only work for comics. 0.98
02:54:09.000 And it was so worth telling, because to me, if five comics in the back are fucking laughing, like when I came up, I was trying to make David Taylor, Ari Shafir, and these motherfuckers laugh in the back. 0.83
02:54:20.000 And I was like, if I just spoke, I don't know if I'm ever going to get these people from the Czech Republic to laugh, but if they laugh, I must be funny. 1.00
02:54:29.000 And I wrote this joke for the Joan Rivers roast because, you know, Montreal used to have this thing called new faces. 0.94
02:54:34.000 I mean, I'm sure they still do, but it was like all the new comics would do stand up in front of only agents and managers and just eat shit because it was in front of only agents and managers. 0.74
02:54:45.000 And I wrote a joke for Joan Rivers. 0.92
02:54:47.000 It was, Joan, you've had so much plastic surgery that every year you book new faces at Montreal or something.
02:54:54.000 And I remember talking to Andy Kindler about those 1% jokes that only work for comics.
02:55:00.000 Yeah, only.
02:55:02.000 And that, to me, is a big part of what podcasting does. 0.95
02:55:06.000 People get to hear all this inside shit, but it still feels universal to them. 0.94
02:55:11.000 Yeah, well, in everything, if you talk to people that make knives, if you talk to people that make sculptures, whatever it is they do, there's something in all those things that's universal. 0.98
02:55:24.000 And that something is a person trying to do their best at whatever the craft is, whatever the thing is.
02:55:32.000 Somewhere around it you're going to encounter a certain amount of resistance.
02:55:35.000 We encounter more resistance than most because we're doing something that is controversial in that it's opinions based on what is happening in culture.
02:55:46.000 And when you're a person like myself and you've had a disproportionate amount of success and you do that very thing where you mock things and make fun of things and give your opinions, I understand what's happening.
02:56:00.000 I'm 100% okay with it.
02:56:03.000 It is 100% natural for people to even have disproportionate takes on me.
02:56:08.000 That doesn't bother me.
02:56:09.000 You know why?
02:56:10.000 Because everyone I meet is nice.
02:56:14.000 Everyone.
02:56:14.000 I meet people all over the place.
02:56:17.000 When they meet me, they're always nice.
02:56:19.000 I understand that some people maybe don't like me, or if they met me, they would be hesitant, but I guarantee you, if you meet me and you're nice, I'll be nice too.
02:56:26.000 I'm a nice person.
02:56:27.000 And everybody is nice, everywhere I meet.
02:56:31.000 It's numbers, Whitney.
02:56:32.000 It's numbers.
02:56:33.000 You're dealing with 350 million people.
02:56:35.000 That's an impossible number of people.
02:56:36.000 Plus the rest of the world. 0.99
02:56:38.000 Who the fuck knows how many that is? 0.99
02:56:39.000 You become a Rorschach test to people. 0.99
02:56:42.000 And I think that, you know, in this pandemic, when you, you know, your voice, because you've earned the trust of people, you've earned, you know, people listening to you for nine hours a week.
02:56:53.000 That's almost a day.
02:56:55.000 Some people listen to you a day a week.
02:56:58.000 Some people listen to you a large percentage, the same percentage of their life that they sleep, you know?
02:57:03.000 So when people, you know, come up to me and say, I love you from the Joe Rogan show, they like want to hug me.
02:57:08.000 It's their religion in a way.
02:57:09.000 And I use religion in a term that just gives people meaning, gives them purpose and routine.
02:57:14.000 You know, you're a family member to people.
02:57:16.000 And I mean, I guess there was Howard Stern before and maybe Prairie Home Companion.
02:57:19.000 I'm trying to think of people that...
02:57:21.000 Garrison Gill.
02:57:21.000 Garrison, you're a buddy!
02:57:23.000 What happened to him?
02:57:24.000 Did he touch a woman's lower back? 0.95
02:57:26.000 Yeah.
02:57:27.000 He touched someone's feet. 1.00
02:57:27.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 1.00
02:57:29.000 It's over. 1.00
02:57:29.000 I would do anything for someone to suck on my feet or touch my lower back. 1.00
02:57:32.000 I'd be thrilled. 1.00
02:57:33.000 Garrison, call me.
02:57:38.000 I've only been podcasting for a year, mostly because of your influence and encouragement, but... 0.99
02:57:42.000 People come up to me in airports and stuff, and they have a connection to me that I don't have to my own fucking boyfriend. 0.95
02:57:48.000 I'm like, you have this. 0.95
02:57:50.000 You're in people's cells.
02:57:52.000 And news networks and other comedians that get five likes by putting your name in their mouth.
02:57:59.000 It's just sort of like, this is just a tax that comes with being so integral to so many people.
02:58:03.000 It doesn't bother me.
02:58:03.000 It's okay.
02:58:04.000 It really is okay.
02:58:05.000 I get it.
02:58:06.000 And I don't know why I get it, but I get it.
02:58:09.000 I understand where I'm at. 0.99
02:58:10.000 You're medicinal for people both ways when they listen to you and go, yeah, fuck yeah, Joe. 0.98
02:58:14.000 And when they go, fuck you, Joe, you're providing medicine in both ways because you're either giving someone adrenaline and self-righteousness, even whether they're wrong or right, and they're It also makes you recognize what is making other people upset. 0.99
02:58:27.000 Why are they upset about what you do? 1.00
02:58:28.000 Maybe you're expressing yourself in an inefficient way.
02:58:31.000 Maybe you're doing it wrong.
02:58:32.000 But I get, just positionally, I get it.
02:58:35.000 I really do.
02:58:36.000 Can I say that?
02:58:37.000 Whenever someone has an issue, I'm just like, are you having doctors and scientists on your platform to talk frequently?
02:58:43.000 For three hours a day?
02:58:44.000 Okay, bye, dude.
02:58:45.000 What are you contributing to society?
02:58:47.000 You're just nipping at the heels of someone who is doing something righteous and interesting.
02:58:51.000 I understand what you're saying, but I'm telling you, it's okay.
02:58:54.000 I agree.
02:58:54.000 It's all normal.
02:58:57.000 I get the criticism of that, but I get the criticism of me.
02:59:01.000 It doesn't bother me.
02:59:02.000 I get it.
02:59:03.000 I don't hear.
02:59:04.000 There's so much reverence from you, for you, for anyone that I know.
02:59:10.000 But I do think that when you get as famous as you are, you become a mirror to other people's anger.
02:59:16.000 And it's just like easy.
02:59:18.000 It's just easy.
02:59:19.000 Well, it's also just like micro-examination of every aspect of all the things you've said.
02:59:26.000 It's normal.
02:59:27.000 I get it.
02:59:27.000 It's okay.
02:59:28.000 If someone pulls up something that I said where I made a misstep or fucks something up, I'd watch the same thing.
02:59:34.000 I'd be like, whoops, yep, I get it.
02:59:36.000 I see it.
02:59:36.000 It doesn't bother me.
02:59:38.000 It's okay.
02:59:39.000 If you were on camera for nine hours a week, you would never say something that you look back on.
02:59:45.000 I probably should have said that differently.
02:59:47.000 There's no way to do this any other way.
02:59:49.000 If you want to do it the way I do it, here's what I do.
02:59:52.000 I say what I'm thinking at the moment.
02:59:55.000 But one thing I don't ever do is think, I want people to like me more, so I'm going to say something I don't believe so they'll like me more.
03:00:04.000 I don't do that.
03:00:04.000 I tell you what I'm thinking at the moment.
03:00:07.000 I'm like, hmm, maybe. 0.99
03:00:09.000 And if I fuck something, I'm like, oh, I fucked that up. 0.99
03:00:11.000 No, that's not what I meant. 0.99
03:00:12.000 That is, to me, the most badass gangster shit you can do. 0.97
03:00:15.000 Because all these people, anyone that would have anything negative towards anyone like you, or, you know, I get people come at me so fucking much. 0.98
03:00:21.000 Joe, during that time, you know, and I think that I don't want to, you know, underplay how valuable it was to me to have you and Annie Letterman and comics, like, connecting with me during the time that I was trying to have outdoor shows at my house during the pandemic at a time where people...
03:00:35.000 Well, you were getting attacked, and it was really freaking me out because I was like...
03:00:38.000 I don't want to defend her because I know you can defend yourself.
03:00:41.000 But there was a part of me that was like, what are you saying? 0.99
03:00:44.000 She's testing everybody and she's doing an outdoor show in her fucking backyard. 1.00
03:00:48.000 Do you not want to celebrate that this is a celebration of comedy? 0.99
03:00:51.000 This is an embracing of comedy?
03:00:53.000 You're doing comedy in front of comics and friends. 0.99
03:00:55.000 Which these haters supposedly do as a vocation, yet any opportunity to not do it for a year, they'll fucking take it. 0.96
03:01:02.000 It's the walled garden. 0.98
03:01:03.000 It's the same thing, the walled garden.
03:01:05.000 You've got Tim in there, you've got all these comics in there, you've got Little Esther, you've got Annie Letterman.
03:01:10.000 You've got all these comics in there that are really funny people, and they're a part of this inner circle at your place.
03:01:16.000 And these other people are not, and they look at it, and they're not doing shows. 0.79
03:01:19.000 They're sitting in their fucking apartment and listening for sirens out there, and they don't know what's going on. 0.97
03:01:24.000 You're looking for an excuse to not do comedy. 1.00
03:01:26.000 I would rather figure out a way to do it.
03:01:28.000 It's not even that they're looking for an excuse.
03:01:30.000 They're just not doing comedy at the moment.
03:01:32.000 So they might be in a bad place because of that.
03:01:34.000 Interesting.
03:01:34.000 Because I tested people and people make fun of...
03:01:38.000 And you filmed it all.
03:01:40.000 It was funny.
03:01:40.000 I filmed it all and I was trying to make clips so people could put it on their Instagram and to be able to still be in the mix.
03:01:45.000 Do you know how powerful that is? 0.98
03:01:46.000 Once this is all gone, and it's kind of gone, but you could look back and go, this crazy bitch was trying to do shows in her yard. 1.00
03:01:54.000 She was like four months in. 0.98
03:01:55.000 I hired five cameras.
03:01:56.000 Let's go.
03:01:57.000 We were testing everyone. 0.94
03:01:58.000 I don't know how to tell you how expensive that was, but for me at the time it was like, this is all that fucking matters.
03:02:03.000 I know exactly how expensive it is.
03:02:04.000 I tested every person that ever came on the show.
03:02:06.000 I remember it.
03:02:07.000 There's only like five shows that I didn't test people on.
03:02:10.000 And then people would say to me, they'd be like, well, how are you doing that?
03:02:13.000 You know, 300,000 people have died.
03:02:15.000 And I'm like, okay, I get that.
03:02:17.000 But we tested people.
03:02:18.000 They'd be like, well, the tests don't work.
03:02:19.000 So it only works when it's positive. 1.00
03:02:21.000 All right, stay home and stick your fucking head in the toilet. 1.00
03:02:23.000 What are you talking about? 1.00
03:02:24.000 So the tests don't work when they're negative.
03:02:25.000 It was like what I call the alt-left, like people coming at me.
03:02:28.000 And I was like, you know, comedians have to be able to, if we're distancing outside, we're doing it at 4 p.m.
03:02:33.000 in the afternoon.
03:02:33.000 I'm like, tell me a reason, scientifically, that this shouldn't be possible.
03:02:37.000 Whitney, but it goes down to what we said before.
03:02:39.000 It's like this kind of communication that you're doing, whether it's through Twitter or Facebook or whatever it is, it's just not the way people are supposed to talk.
03:02:46.000 If you talk to that one person, one-on-one, that disagreed with you, you would tell them what you're doing and they would go, oh, I see what you're doing.
03:02:52.000 Okay.
03:02:53.000 And you're like, I just want to live.
03:02:54.000 I just want to live and I want to do comedy because I'm going crazy because being around my friends is as essential as drinking water or taking vitamins or eating food.
03:03:02.000 That's right.
03:03:02.000 It's essential.
03:03:03.000 And this is my family.
03:03:04.000 In the same way you want to talk about families being broken, I don't have a family, and comedians are my family.
03:03:09.000 And if you're telling me that I can't figure out a way to get all these people that are sitting alone in their apartments together to engage in their anesthesia and their coping mechanism and the thing that pays their bills and maybe their parents' bills, you can't come at me for that, especially if you have a ton of money and you're sitting in your mansion.
03:03:25.000 They can, but it's not accurate.
03:03:26.000 I get it from their perspective, too.
03:03:28.000 The thing that's missing is just open communication.
03:03:31.000 That's the thing that's missing.
03:03:32.000 And the time that it takes to communicate one-on-one with everybody, it's not really possible.
03:03:37.000 Not possible. 0.98
03:03:38.000 So it creates this fucking feeding frenzy of chaos and takedown culture. 0.99
03:03:42.000 And that's what's going on. 0.98
03:03:43.000 My other thing was that was, you didn't like me before.
03:03:46.000 And now you found a reason.
03:03:49.000 Like, you never liked me, and that's okay.
03:03:51.000 I'm at the point, Joe, and I was talking about this...
03:03:53.000 But they didn't know you.
03:03:54.000 If they didn't like you, it's just because they didn't know you.
03:03:56.000 Anybody that I know that knows you likes you.
03:03:58.000 You're nice to everybody, Whitney.
03:04:00.000 Dude, I'm...
03:04:01.000 Because comedians, I don't care what level you are.
03:04:02.000 You're not nice to that neck microphone.
03:04:04.000 Dude, why am I so...
03:04:06.000 But don't you think this is making me sound sexier that I'm doing it here? 1.00
03:04:09.000 I'm just trying to make it so that the YouTube comments aren't like, I want to fuck you with a knife in your cunt, you shrill bitch. 1.00
03:04:14.000 Instead of moving the microphone back... 1.00
03:04:16.000 I keep moving back further.
03:04:18.000 I'm doing a squat because you said... 1.00
03:04:19.000 I want my fucking butt to get bigger. 1.00
03:04:21.000 I hope now that I've talked to you. 1.00
03:04:22.000 Your butt's fine. 0.99
03:04:23.000 You just don't need fake chicken cutlets. 1.00
03:04:25.000 I disagree.
03:04:25.000 Except who you are.
03:04:26.000 I will staple that shit on. 1.00
03:04:28.000 Get some kettlebells and do some squats. 1.00
03:04:29.000 I'm dating a rock climber, Joe.
03:04:31.000 I know. 0.95
03:04:31.000 He's a savage. 0.95
03:04:32.000 He is like a fucking little chimpanzee with the hardest butt you've ever seen in your fucking life. 1.00
03:04:37.000 I've tried to stick my finger in it. 1.00
03:04:39.000 You know those sausages that have the wire on the back that closes the butthole?
03:04:43.000 Do you?
03:04:44.000 It's like that. 0.97
03:04:44.000 A sausage that has a wire that closes the butthole? 0.97
03:04:46.000 You know like at the end of a Jim Beam sausage?
03:04:48.000 Oh, I know what you mean.
03:04:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:04:50.000 Okay, okay. 0.99
03:04:50.000 That's his butthole? 0.99
03:04:51.000 I'm a wild shape, and I am a jellyfish. 0.99
03:04:54.000 That's how you test wild shape. 1.00
03:04:56.000 How far you can stick your fucking second knuckle in someone's butthole. 1.00
03:04:59.000 You can't get a finger in someone's butt. 1.00
03:05:00.000 I mean, that's a pretty hardcore glute right there. 0.99
03:05:03.000 I get it. 0.99
03:05:03.000 So I feel embarrassed because I'm just a fucking mush. 0.99
03:05:07.000 But yeah, dating someone who's like a real athlete is... 0.96
03:05:10.000 So he makes you want to talk like this.
03:05:11.000 Embarrassing.
03:05:12.000 Makes you want to talk like an old lady at a slot machine in Vegas. 1.00
03:05:18.000 I have to pee so bad, Whitney. 0.97
03:05:19.000 How dare you attack Vicky Barbalek like that?
03:05:21.000 Ah, Vicky, I love Vicky.
03:05:24.000 We gotta wrap this up.
03:05:24.000 I know, there's a couple things that I feel like we start...
03:05:27.000 Is that true?
03:05:27.000 Yeah.
03:05:28.000 We gotta go.
03:05:28.000 What?
03:05:29.000 Three hours in?
03:05:29.000 Oh, we're over, yeah.
03:05:30.000 This Texas tea is delicious. 0.99
03:05:32.000 Well, we're fucking drank whiskey. 0.99
03:05:33.000 I have to pee so bad. 0.99
03:05:35.000 My water broke ages ago.
03:05:36.000 Buffalo Trace. 1.00
03:05:37.000 Buffalo Trace, is that your shit? 1.00
03:05:38.000 Whitney, you're the shit. 1.00
03:05:39.000 I love you. 1.00
03:05:40.000 I love you, I love you, I love you.
03:05:41.000 I love you too, Jamie.
03:05:43.000 I love you too, Jamie.
03:05:43.000 Bye, everybody.