The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #175

00:00:00.000 Awww.

00:00:04.000 Pow!

00:00:06.000 And we begin.

00:00:07.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:10.000 You go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and enter in the code name ROGAN. You will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:00:18.000 It's a fucking solid product, and we stand behind it.

00:00:21.000 We're also brought to you by...

00:00:23.000 I stand in front of it, Joe.

00:00:23.000 What kind of fleshlight fucking are you doing?

00:00:25.000 Are you putting it in your ass?

00:00:27.000 Am I doing it wrong?

00:00:28.000 Am I doing it wrong?

00:00:30.000 Are you sure?

00:00:33.000 Well, even doing it wrong, it feels so right.

00:00:39.000 Even doing it wrong, it feels so right.

00:00:41.000 I'm sure someone must have used the flashlight that way.

00:00:44.000 Oh, fuck yes.

00:00:44.000 Yeah, I've seen some giant things up people's asses.

00:00:47.000 Like a human fleshipede?

00:00:49.000 It's like a big circle of guys.

00:00:50.000 Half of them are fucking and half of them are bringing their ass.

00:00:52.000 I saw one dude's foot up another dude's ass.

00:00:54.000 A dude had his foot up a dude's ass.

00:00:56.000 All the way up to the ankle.

00:00:58.000 Was that just for shock value, like justmeet.com, or was that more like a sexual thing?

00:01:03.000 I don't know, man.

00:01:04.000 You've got to wonder with the motivation behind anybody wanting to take that picture or see that picture.

00:01:10.000 You know, like, whoa.

00:01:11.000 Yeah.

00:01:12.000 Who's that?

00:01:13.000 Oh, fuck, fuck.

00:01:14.000 Wait, wait.

00:01:15.000 Tom, go get the camera.

00:01:16.000 Yeah.

00:01:16.000 Tom, get the camera!

00:01:18.000 Does it feel good for your toes?

00:01:19.000 Who took that picture?

00:01:20.000 Does it feel good for his ass?

00:01:22.000 Who's happy here?

00:01:24.000 Who's happy in this moment?

00:01:25.000 Yeah.

00:01:26.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement.

00:01:32.000 As I say, with all these nootropics and different things that are cognitive enhancing supplements, do some research.

00:01:40.000 If you're interested in this stuff, don't just buy AlphaBrain, please.

00:01:43.000 Go and google nootropics and read some articles.

00:01:47.000 It's very fascinating.

00:01:49.000 They have a bunch of proprietary blends that a bunch of other companies have that are great as well.

00:01:53.000 Just go look and try some stuff out.

00:01:55.000 Read some things on it.

00:01:57.000 Some things will react well with you.

00:01:59.000 Some things won't.

00:02:00.000 If you like Alpha Brain but you think it's too expensive, this is what I want you to do.

00:02:05.000 I want you to go to the ingredients list and copy it.

00:02:07.000 It shows you the exact dose.

00:02:09.000 Copy it, buy the shit in bulk, and put it together yourself.

00:02:12.000 And here's the thing.

00:02:12.000 If you buy it and it doesn't work and you don't like it, it's 100% money-back guarantee.

00:02:17.000 We try to make this as easy as possible.

00:02:19.000 There's no other way to make it as clear as possible that I am much more concerned with you not feeling ripped off than I am with making money.

00:02:30.000 So, I think it's a real product.

00:02:32.000 I like it.

00:02:33.000 I enjoy it.

00:02:34.000 It's good.

00:02:34.000 It works for me.

00:02:36.000 AlphaBrain gives me like a nice little, like a peppy feeling.

00:02:40.000 I don't know what the fuck's going on with it.

00:02:42.000 I don't know what it does.

00:02:42.000 I bet that stops a lot of people from taking drugs.

00:02:45.000 Well, some people like...

00:02:47.000 Just the idea like, well, it might not work if I'm going to be out $400 or whatever it is.

00:02:50.000 I'm like, I don't want to take a chance at something that might not work.

00:02:53.000 But if I get some guarantee, that'd be pretty good.

00:02:55.000 Wait, like drugs?

00:02:56.000 What do you mean?

00:02:57.000 No, like any sort of mood enhancers or whatever you need for whatever else.

00:03:02.000 I don't know.

00:03:02.000 What drugs do people take?

00:03:04.000 This is nothing like a drug, though.

00:03:06.000 None of these things.

00:03:07.000 I mean, the only thing that would be close is the New Mood, the 5-HTP supplement, which is like a serotonin booster.

00:03:13.000 But even that, it would be like the subtlest of smiles that permeates your brain.

00:03:18.000 Have you ever used 5-HTP? It didn't do much for me.

00:03:21.000 Didn't?

00:03:22.000 Were you taking the Neil Brennan-sized doses?

00:03:25.000 I was taking a lot.

00:03:27.000 Yeah, he said he just goes over the...

00:03:29.000 He, whatever the fucking recommended DA is, he jacks that shit about 10. He's like, thanks for recommending it.

00:03:33.000 I'll take him to account.

00:03:34.000 Yeah.

00:03:34.000 And he just goes nuts.

00:03:35.000 Yeah, but, well, I thought it was really fascinating that he said that his doctor, who had him on some sort of an antidepressant, told him to get off the 5-HTP because it was essentially...

00:03:45.000 Like taking two antidepressants?

00:03:47.000 There's something where it can react really badly with SSRIs.

00:03:51.000 But that's like half the antidepressants of that are SSRIs.

00:03:55.000 But it can cause you some weird overdose.

00:03:57.000 What is the SSRI? What is the actual name for that?

00:04:00.000 It's like serotonin.

00:04:01.000 Something, re-inhibitor?

00:04:03.000 Yeah, like it adds or deletes serotonin.

00:04:07.000 Well, I've heard, there's also, Brian, you read something about the dangers of 5-HTP online, right?

00:04:12.000 What the fuck was that about?

00:04:14.000 Somebody sent me this because of yesterday's podcast where I've been talking about my arm, which we've talked to the doctor and he said it's probably from podcasting and then he made that song all about how weak I was.

00:04:30.000 No, there was somebody sent on WebMD that 5-HTP might be unsafe and not to take it because there's been reports that people who are taking it are getting a serious condition with extreme muscle tenderness called myalgia.

00:04:51.000 And blood abnormalities, one of those words.

00:04:55.000 And so they said that you shouldn't take it, that they're thinking it's a contaminant in some 5-HTP products.

00:05:06.000 Oh, so it's not 5-HTP, it's something that's contaminated in 5-HTP. Right, right.

00:05:11.000 So pretty much there's sour milk going around.

00:05:13.000 Oh, wow.

00:05:15.000 So the sour milk that's giving people muscle soreness?

00:05:17.000 Yeah, muscle soreness out of nowhere.

00:05:20.000 We'll get to the bottom of that.

00:05:21.000 I'll find out what the fuck that is.

00:05:22.000 So if that's the case, pay attention to that, folks.

00:05:26.000 Don't buy shit from Mexico.

00:05:27.000 I've already talked to...

00:05:30.000 It's a little too cheap.

00:05:31.000 Look into it.

00:05:32.000 I've already talked to Aubrey about it from Onnit Labs, and he said not to worry about it.

00:05:38.000 They test it like three times.

00:05:41.000 Their own labs test it like three times to make sure that's all good.

00:05:45.000 But he said he'll look into it more, but he said that's what he...

00:05:49.000 So it's some cheap company?

00:05:51.000 Yeah, it's like cheap company 5-HTPs.

00:05:53.000 You know, like when you're at the store, like you're at the CVS, and you see, like, oh, there's this one for $2, you know?

00:05:58.000 That's good to know.

00:05:59.000 Okay.

00:06:00.000 We also have...

00:06:01.000 Well, Alphabet doesn't have that, anyway.

00:06:03.000 This is New Mood, which is the 5-HTP and L-tryptophan supplement.

00:06:09.000 I like it.

00:06:09.000 I've been taking it.

00:06:11.000 But yeah, I would definitely consider looking into whatever the fuck this WebD article is about.

00:06:17.000 Because that's a pretty serious stuff.

00:06:18.000 But in my honest opinion, I think the doctor is right.

00:06:21.000 In my honest opinion.

00:06:22.000 I mean, somebody just sent that to me.

00:06:24.000 Obviously, you're moving your arm in the same direction.

00:06:27.000 Yeah, I'm like the Vector Raptor.

00:06:28.000 Because I have to kind of...

00:06:29.000 What's that shit called that barbers get a lot from...

00:06:33.000 Carpal Tunnels?

00:06:34.000 Carpal Tunnels.

00:06:34.000 Barbers get that shit?

00:06:35.000 Yeah.

00:06:36.000 Secretaries.

00:06:37.000 Also, secretaries get it a lot.

00:06:39.000 What else?

00:06:40.000 What other womanly like?

00:06:41.000 I'm just podcasting too much.

00:06:43.000 Yeah, you've got to take days off, man.

00:06:45.000 Ice your elbow.

00:06:46.000 I know.

00:06:48.000 Jesus Christ.

00:06:49.000 That's ridiculous.

00:06:50.000 You're falling apart, son.

00:06:52.000 You're falling apart, son!

00:06:54.000 That's crazy.

00:06:55.000 Anyway, like we said with Onnit, if you don't like it, don't buy it.

00:06:59.000 And if you're interested, go look all the other different things that are available online.

00:07:04.000 But if you want to buy Alpha Brain, it's available at Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. We also have two different mushroom supplements.

00:07:12.000 One's called Shroom Tech Sport, and that's one for extreme endurance exercises.

00:07:18.000 If you're a person who likes to do CrossFit or shit like that, if you do Jiu-Jitsu or you're doing MMA, this Shroom Tech Sport is awesome.

00:07:25.000 It's a Cordyceps mushroom and B12 supplement.

00:07:27.000 It's great for energy.

00:07:29.000 The Chinese Olympic team was the first to start using it in the 90s.

00:07:33.000 Apparently it's like a mushroom that enhances your body's ability to absorb air.

00:07:37.000 Really?

00:07:38.000 Yeah, in high altitudes.

00:07:41.000 They noticed that cattle were eating these mushrooms and they were much more lively, so people started experimenting with them.

00:07:46.000 I thought when you said mushroom pills...

00:07:47.000 You thought I was talking about pill pill mushrooms?

00:07:49.000 Yeah, they have those now.

00:07:50.000 Mushroom, mushroom pill pill?

00:07:51.000 Pure psilocybin?

00:07:51.000 Oh, that's death.

00:07:52.000 No mushrooms?

00:07:53.000 That's dangerous.

00:07:53.000 I don't know.

00:07:54.000 My friend's taking them and he's like, they're just great, man.

00:07:57.000 You don't get the upset stomach and everything else the same.

00:08:00.000 It's like THC pills.

00:08:01.000 Yeah, but I feel like then you're not working for it.

00:08:02.000 It's part of the mushroom experience.

00:08:04.000 If you're going to get the gift from the plant, you're going to eat that shitty body of it.

00:08:08.000 I have to try it.

00:08:09.000 I don't know where it gets them.

00:08:10.000 This is nothing like that.

00:08:11.000 This is just for endurance.

00:08:12.000 And there's another one for immune.

00:08:14.000 It's called Shroom Tech Immune, which is a great one.

00:08:16.000 It's a really interesting way it works.

00:08:18.000 The way it's going to explain to me is there's this mushroom, and when your body detects it, your body thinks that it's some sort of – it might be a bug, like it might be a cold or something like that.

00:08:27.000 So your immune system fires up for a fight that never comes.

00:08:30.000 Really?

00:08:30.000 Yeah, so this mushroom somehow or another tricks your body into thinking it's going to be attacked, but nothing happens.

00:08:36.000 Oh, and it fights it off.

00:08:37.000 It pumps up.

00:08:39.000 It pumps up for a fight and there's no fight.

00:08:41.000 So it really helps your immune system ward off colds quicker.

00:08:45.000 Oh, that's cool.

00:08:46.000 I believe, and I think, and here's something to look into too, folks, is probiotics I think are very important.

00:08:53.000 Something that a lot of people...

00:08:54.000 Is that echinacea?

00:08:55.000 Well, no.

00:08:56.000 Probiotics are live cultures.

00:08:58.000 It's like acidophilus or kombucha is my favorite.

00:09:02.000 I drink that kombucha shit.

00:09:03.000 I drink that tea every day.

00:09:04.000 I really firmly believe it keeps you from getting sick.

00:09:07.000 Blueberries?

00:09:07.000 They're antioxidants.

00:09:09.000 Antioxidants, yeah.

00:09:10.000 Yeah, they are.

00:09:11.000 This is a little different, though.

00:09:12.000 This is a live culture.

00:09:14.000 Live culture is actually living things.

00:09:16.000 It's an organism you're taking into your body that actually fights off bad shit.

00:09:19.000 It's kind of crazy, but it works.

00:09:21.000 This organism works symbiotically with your body.

00:09:24.000 Is it on all mushrooms, or is it just like specific?

00:09:25.000 No, no, no, no.

00:09:26.000 It's different.

00:09:27.000 Some of them will fucking kill you.

00:09:28.000 These mushrooms, you fuck up and eat the wrong ones, you'll have instant liver failure.

00:09:32.000 There's some serious failure mushrooms out there.

00:09:36.000 And somebody had to find that out, man.

00:09:37.000 Somebody had to eat those things, and then they had to, like, everybody stand and watch them, and then 20 minutes later, he's fucking black-skinned and foaming at the mouth, and his whole body's spasming.

00:09:47.000 And you're like, okay, now we know.

00:09:49.000 That mushroom is bad.

00:09:50.000 Don't fucking eat that.

00:09:52.000 And they had to know this, by the way, back when there was no books.

00:09:55.000 There's no writing it down.

00:09:56.000 Everyone told you.

00:09:57.000 You remember how honeysuckles were okay to eat, but that other berry weren't.

00:10:00.000 What?

00:10:01.000 Remember honeysuckles?

00:10:02.000 Oh, yeah.

00:10:03.000 No, I don't remember honeysuckles.

00:10:04.000 Have you seen those lately?

00:10:06.000 I was looking for them recently.

00:10:07.000 There was one drop of honey.

00:10:09.000 Really?

00:10:09.000 Yeah.

00:10:10.000 I've been actually looking for them.

00:10:11.000 They don't have those out here in Los Angeles, do they?

00:10:13.000 Because I thought I saw one the other day.

00:10:14.000 I thought I saw one too, but I didn't actually grab it and see if it was one.

00:10:17.000 I think they have them somewhere, but not a lot, definitely.

00:10:19.000 I miss those.

00:10:20.000 Yeah, they're great when you're biking around.

00:10:22.000 But you just knew which ones were the fine ones.

00:10:24.000 The purple pinky ones.

00:10:26.000 O-N-N-I-T dot com.

00:10:28.000 Enter in the code name ROGAN. Get 10% off.

00:10:31.000 That's it.

00:10:32.000 That's the commercial.

00:10:32.000 Boom!

00:10:33.000 Ari Shaffir is here.

00:10:34.000 Start the program.

00:10:36.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:10:37.000 Sneakiest commercials ever.

00:10:39.000 Showing my name, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:10:41.000 I'm revolutionizing commercials.

00:10:46.000 I was trying to get mushrooms for Renaissance Reap.

00:10:50.000 Yeah.

00:10:50.000 They're in Missouri for Shroomfest.

00:10:51.000 I was like, I'll find them for you.

00:10:52.000 Oh, wow.

00:10:53.000 You were putting in a network?

00:10:54.000 Yeah.

00:10:55.000 I was like, I'll call my favorites if you guys want to take part in this.

00:10:57.000 But then somebody was like, why don't you just pick them?

00:11:00.000 They're all over.

00:11:00.000 Really?

00:11:01.000 And I realized, like, I trust my drug dealer over what I find in nature.

00:11:04.000 I had a guy come up to me after a show once, one of the creepiest dudes ever.

00:11:07.000 He was just sweaty and weird and shit, and he gave me a bag of mushrooms.

00:11:10.000 Hey man, I picked these myself.

00:11:12.000 I'm like, I would fucking take your mushrooms, crazy face.

00:11:15.000 But you picked yourself.

00:11:16.000 Yeah, but who do you trust?

00:11:17.000 You trust a regular drug dealer?

00:11:18.000 He's just a weird-looking dude, man.

00:11:20.000 Well, you know, you trust people who know the right people who are growing them.

00:11:26.000 You've got to get into the deep matrix of where to get the mushrooms.

00:11:30.000 That's the problem.

00:11:31.000 The other ones are super poisonous in the wrong way.

00:11:34.000 I don't know how much different psilocybin mushrooms look than any other mushrooms.

00:11:39.000 By the time I get them, they're all dried out and someone's taking care of them.

00:11:43.000 I've never seen one, I don't think, out in the wild.

00:11:45.000 I've never seen that red top.

00:11:47.000 Oh, I've seen that, man.

00:11:49.000 Really?

00:11:49.000 That was on my property in Colorado.

00:11:51.000 Really?

00:11:51.000 So did you take that?

00:11:52.000 No, I didn't, but I just took pictures of it.

00:11:54.000 Oh, that's cool.

00:11:54.000 And that was the red top of the dot, with the spots?

00:11:56.000 With the white spots.

00:11:57.000 The Mario Brothers ones.

00:11:58.000 Yeah.

00:11:58.000 The Amanita Mascaria.

00:11:59.000 Yeah.

00:12:00.000 That's the one that John Marco Allegra...

00:12:02.000 Well, no.

00:12:03.000 See, that's a very funky mushroom.

00:12:06.000 It's a really different mushroom.

00:12:07.000 It doesn't have psilocybin in it.

00:12:08.000 It works in a completely different way with your body.

00:12:11.000 It's a psychedelic, but it's completely different.

00:12:13.000 And it's seasonable.

00:12:15.000 It's variable genetically.

00:12:16.000 It's variable from different climates.

00:12:18.000 What we're getting in America, I don't believe, is the same Amanita muscaria mushroom.

00:12:23.000 There's been a lot of debate on this amongst all those psychedelic connoisseurs, those people, those Terrence McKenna-type fellows.

00:12:32.000 And that's one of the reasons why a lot of people have taken it and it doesn't do anything.

00:12:36.000 I took it once and it didn't do shit.

00:12:38.000 I took it with Doug Stanhope.

00:12:40.000 Just wig mushrooms?

00:12:41.000 Maybe.

00:12:41.000 I don't know, man.

00:12:42.000 Jan made it.

00:12:43.000 So what were they?

00:12:44.000 Jan's a fucking...

00:12:45.000 He's a real head.

00:12:48.000 I would trust him.

00:12:48.000 Yeah, he would.

00:12:49.000 And he did the right thing.

00:12:52.000 He did it all right, but it just wasn't getting us.

00:12:54.000 But then...

00:12:56.000 Did you eat any time near that time that you took it?

00:12:58.000 No, no, no, no.

00:12:59.000 We did it the right way.

00:13:01.000 We did it the right way.

00:13:02.000 But then we mixed it with psilocybin mushrooms.

00:13:05.000 Dug through in some psilocybin, and then we went to the fucking center of the universe.

00:13:10.000 It's like mixing them together.

00:13:13.000 Wow, it was a total mindfuck.

00:13:15.000 And that was one of the things that they believe is soma.

00:13:21.000 Soma was some sort of a mixture.

00:13:24.000 It's talked about with great reverence in the Hindu texts and Soma is greater than Brahma, greater than Indra.

00:13:31.000 Soma the pill?

00:13:31.000 Soma.

00:13:32.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:13:33.000 They just stole the word.

00:13:35.000 What Soma is is like the greatest psychedelic ever, apparently.

00:13:39.000 So what is that?

00:13:40.000 They don't know.

00:13:41.000 That's the craziest thing about it.

00:13:42.000 It's written with so much love, but somehow, somewhere, they lost the formula.

00:13:46.000 Nobody knows what SOMA is.

00:13:47.000 So it's all debated.

00:13:49.000 Like, Gordon Wasson thought it was aminida muscaria.

00:13:52.000 McKenna thought it was psilocybin.

00:13:54.000 They think it might be a combinatory drug with psilocybin mixed in with some other stuff.

00:13:58.000 And some people think it might be psilocybin and aminida muscaria.

00:14:01.000 They don't know.

00:14:02.000 So why is this aminida muscaria?

00:14:03.000 How does that hit you?

00:14:03.000 What does that do for you?

00:14:04.000 Well, it depends on where you get it.

00:14:06.000 Like I said, I can't speak from personal experience because what I got didn't really work, I don't think.

00:14:13.000 It's hard to tell because it was like a few hours and nothing had changed.

00:14:18.000 But it's supposed to make you chip out without psilocybin?

00:14:22.000 I don't know.

00:14:22.000 It's supposed to, yeah.

00:14:24.000 It's supposed to be able to.

00:14:24.000 But I don't know in what form.

00:14:26.000 I don't know what part of the world you've got to get it.

00:14:28.000 It's variable.

00:14:29.000 That's the issue with it.

00:14:31.000 It's not always psychedelic.

00:14:32.000 But what it is, is Santa Claus.

00:14:35.000 The image of Santa Claus being this red and white guy.

00:14:38.000 The image of the trees underneath the pine...

00:14:43.000 Excuse me, the presence underneath the pine cones or the pine trees.

00:14:46.000 It has a mycorrhizal relationship with birch trees.

00:14:49.000 I mean, it literally grows under these fucking Christmas trees.

00:14:53.000 That's where it grows.

00:14:54.000 And it's well wrapped in shiny colors.

00:14:55.000 Yeah.

00:14:55.000 It's beautiful.

00:14:56.000 It's shiny as fuck.

00:14:57.000 Sounds like an Eddie Griffin conspiracy theory.

00:14:59.000 It does.

00:15:00.000 It does, but that's really what it is.

00:15:02.000 I mean, the whole Christmas presents under the tree thing is directly related to this Amanita muscaria mushroom.

00:15:08.000 It is red and white.

00:15:10.000 And the way they dry these mushrooms out, by the way, is they hang them over the fireplace.

00:15:14.000 That's why people have red and white stockings hanging over their fireplace.

00:15:18.000 Why the fuck else?

00:15:18.000 To dry them out?

00:15:19.000 To dry them out.

00:15:20.000 Nice.

00:15:20.000 Yeah, that's what it is.

00:15:21.000 So it's become this stocking now.

00:15:24.000 What it used to be is red and white mushrooms hanging underneath your fireplace.

00:15:28.000 Where's the proof of that?

00:15:29.000 There's a lot of proof.

00:15:30.000 A lot of proof.

00:15:31.000 There's not only that.

00:15:31.000 All the old, if you go back to all the old Christmas cards, they all have mushrooms in them.

00:15:36.000 Mushroom symbology.

00:15:38.000 Big Amanita mushroom.

00:15:39.000 And what old Christmas?

00:15:41.000 All the old Christmas cards.

00:15:42.000 The elves look like mushrooms.

00:15:44.000 The elves are what you see when you take mushrooms.

00:15:47.000 Oh, nice.

00:15:47.000 If you take enough.

00:15:48.000 And then on top of it, these elves are always playing with mushrooms.

00:15:52.000 They always have this Amanita muscaria mushroom in Santa Claus.

00:15:55.000 Really?

00:15:56.000 Yeah.

00:15:56.000 If you go back and look.

00:15:57.000 Wait, hold on.

00:15:58.000 I thought Coca-Cola made up Santa Claus.

00:15:59.000 No, no, no, no.

00:16:01.000 What did Coca-Cola make up?

00:16:02.000 Oh, you silly Jew.

00:16:04.000 What did Coca-Cola make up?

00:16:05.000 What did Coca-Cola make up?

00:16:06.000 The colors?

00:16:06.000 No.

00:16:07.000 That was claimed, but then became proof that there was an artist from at least, I believe, a decade or two before that who was attributed to making Santa Claus red and white.

00:16:18.000 They thought that Santa Claus was one color and then he was made red and white because of...

00:16:24.000 Because of Coca-Cola.

00:16:25.000 Co-created the black Santa Claus.

00:16:27.000 The black Santa Claus?

00:16:28.000 Yeah, I think Coca-Cola just created the black one.

00:16:30.000 I'm going to find some pictures for you.

00:16:32.000 It was like grooving with some Coca-Cola Santa.

00:16:35.000 And so it always had mushroom stuff in it in the Christmas time?

00:16:38.000 Did it grow in that time?

00:16:40.000 See, I hear this.

00:16:42.000 Come here.

00:16:43.000 Look at this.

00:16:43.000 Come on over here.

00:16:44.000 Look at this.

00:16:45.000 All these Christmas things.

00:16:47.000 Look at that.

00:16:48.000 And every single person that drew every single one of those lived in California.

00:16:53.000 Dude, you're retarded.

00:16:55.000 These are old as fuck.

00:16:56.000 These are from the 1700s, dude.

00:16:58.000 Oh, yeah.

00:16:58.000 Okay, look.

00:16:59.000 This is old as fuck.

00:17:00.000 See this?

00:17:00.000 Christmas?

00:17:01.000 Look.

00:17:01.000 Amanita muscaria mushroom.

00:17:02.000 That's a really old picture, dude.

00:17:04.000 Okay, there's a bunch of them.

00:17:06.000 Look at them.

00:17:06.000 This is like all, from a long time ago, that was the norm.

00:17:10.000 A long time ago in Europe especially, that was the norm.

00:17:13.000 Give up that website so people can look at this.

00:17:15.000 This is what I want you to Google.

00:17:17.000 Just Google Santa and Amanita muscaria.

00:17:21.000 M-U-S. Yeah, but you look at the identity.

00:17:25.000 If you go to, like, say, I don't know where Christmas was born.

00:17:28.000 It seems like it was born in Germany or something.

00:17:29.000 But if you go to Germany and look at, like, the same year, try to find artwork of the same Christmas stuff, like, in Germany from that exact time period.

00:17:41.000 And I bet none of them had mushrooms on.

00:17:42.000 They all had, like, you know, something else.

00:17:44.000 Well, you're just guessing this off the top of your fucking head when I'm showing you pictures.

00:17:48.000 No, I'm just saying that's what I would think.

00:17:50.000 Well, you would think wrong because I'm showing you pictures of Christmas cards from the 1700s that have all these mushrooms.

00:17:55.000 I'm sure there was.

00:17:56.000 There was some wacky Christmas cards back in the 1700s.

00:17:58.000 No, no, no, Brian, there's a lot of them.

00:17:59.000 Look at this one right here.

00:18:01.000 Look at this one right here with an old picture of Santa and he's got all these fucking Amanita muscaria mushrooms at his feet.

00:18:06.000 What's that from?

00:18:07.000 Oh, fuck, man.

00:18:08.000 Let me find out.

00:18:10.000 It's old as fuck.

00:18:12.000 Officially, old as fuck.

00:18:14.000 I'll find out the ages of the pictures.

00:18:16.000 But these are, you know, these are like ancient fucking Christmas cards.

00:18:21.000 I could see Easter, I just can't see Santa Claus.

00:18:23.000 Why would you not see it?

00:18:25.000 I don't know, it's just like...

00:18:27.000 Why is this not talked about all the time then?

00:18:30.000 Why is this not on regular TV? First of all, because it's preposterous.

00:18:33.000 I feel this is like the Tower 7 of holiday stories.

00:18:36.000 So you're saying it's sort of just cut loss and mushrooms are just in it for...

00:18:39.000 Look, there's so many correlations.

00:18:41.000 Listen to the connections, okay?

00:18:44.000 The way they dry these fucking things out is twofold.

00:18:47.000 One, they hang them on the trees.

00:18:49.000 They put them in the branches so they dry by the sun.

00:18:51.000 Or B, they hang them under the fireplace.

00:18:54.000 What do they do?

00:18:55.000 You see fucking stockings hanging on the fireplace.

00:18:58.000 You see ornaments, shiny ornaments on the tree.

00:19:01.000 They literally grow under this same tree that we use as a Christmas tree.

00:19:05.000 And they are shiny packages.

00:19:07.000 And if you get them from the right place, apparently they make you trip the fuck out.

00:19:13.000 That's the mushroom that they believe is responsible for the writings in the Bible.

00:19:18.000 It's the sacred mushroom in the cross.

00:19:20.000 The Amanita muscaria mushroom is on the cover of the sacred mushroom in the cross.

00:19:23.000 It just makes sense to me that if scholars believe that there's a connection between this mushroom and religious texts, then of course there's a connection between this mushroom and Santa Claus.

00:19:33.000 And if you add up all the things that line up, as far as hanging it over the fireplace and putting it on trees, it totally could be possible.

00:19:40.000 So if you go to Encyclopedia Britannica's headquarters in wherever that would be, like Wisconsin...

00:19:46.000 And you go to them and go, alright, what is Christmas to you?

00:19:50.000 What do you guys have about the mushroom thing?

00:19:52.000 They're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

00:19:54.000 Get out of here, hippie.

00:19:55.000 Wouldn't you think that...

00:19:56.000 Well, I think that they're not that willing to incorporate any sort of illegal drug ideology into their...

00:20:05.000 They probably just would ignore it, even if there's a lot of evidence.

00:20:08.000 Do you think sometimes that people that do a lot of mushrooms try to make connections with everything in past history?

00:20:13.000 Sure, definitely they do.

00:20:14.000 420 people would do that.

00:20:15.000 I think that's what my judge...

00:20:17.000 If I had to judge, like if this was a game show, that's what my judgment would be.

00:20:19.000 It's like, yeah, that's just some hippie that made this awesome connection.

00:20:22.000 It's a great story.

00:20:23.000 No, Brian, that's a silly thing.

00:20:25.000 No, that's what I'm thinking.

00:20:26.000 Okay, well, that's a dumb way to think.

00:20:28.000 Why?

00:20:28.000 Because scholars like John Marco Allegro...

00:20:31.000 I'm not sold on anything.

00:20:33.000 I'm not sold on anything, but I'm definitely not sold on you just talking off your ass.

00:20:36.000 No, I'm just putting a counterpoint.

00:20:39.000 You're putting a counterpoint to a fucking guy who is a scholar.

00:20:42.000 John Marco Allegro studied the Genese scrolls for 14 years.

00:20:46.000 The only ones that do are religious ones.

00:20:48.000 I know, but...

00:20:49.000 Who says the opposite?

00:20:50.000 The religious ones?

00:20:51.000 He was the only agnostic.

00:20:53.000 He was the only agnostic.

00:20:54.000 Couldn't it be...

00:20:55.000 We're not talking about Psychopedia Britannica.

00:20:56.000 I'm just saying that...

00:20:57.000 We're talking about the Dead Sea Scrolls.

00:20:59.000 Well, it wouldn't even be an encyclopedia Britannica.

00:21:01.000 Couldn't it be part of the...

00:21:02.000 What's the Christmas original?

00:21:03.000 The pagan holiday?

00:21:04.000 There's...

00:21:04.000 Yeah.

00:21:05.000 So couldn't it be part of that pagan holiday?

00:21:07.000 Of course.

00:21:08.000 That ritual?

00:21:08.000 Sure, definitely.

00:21:09.000 And they sort of took over that...

00:21:10.000 They used those gods?

00:21:10.000 It's just the real question is, what's with the elves?

00:21:14.000 What's with the fucking mushrooms And all these Christmas pictures What's with the correlations Why do these mushrooms exist And why do they coincide with this holiday What is the big deal But the big deal is these people were tripping their fucking balls off man That's what it is And it became somehow or another It turned into a guy coming down the chimney And giving you presents What it was is this was some shit they found under the tree.

00:21:37.000 That's much more likely to me.

00:21:38.000 If you've got a fucking plant that makes you trip balls and ancient people find out about it, they worship that shit.

00:21:44.000 You know, it becomes like a huge part of their life.

00:21:47.000 Could you imagine if your world was the regular world of people that lived before books?

00:21:53.000 I mean, you're barely civilized.

00:21:55.000 Barely got it together.

00:21:56.000 People are just getting by every day, getting sick.

00:21:59.000 Nobody knew what the fuck was going on.

00:22:01.000 There was no doctors.

00:22:02.000 We just died, man.

00:22:04.000 They gave you some leaves to chew on and you usually just fucking died.

00:22:08.000 What if they found something like this?

00:22:09.000 If they found that there were some mushrooms and you would eat them and all of a sudden...

00:22:12.000 You'd be lying in a field and fucking spiraling through the universe on the most wild ride of joy and ecstasy of your life.

00:22:23.000 And you would want to fucking praise that shit.

00:22:26.000 You would want to make that a part of your...

00:22:28.000 Yeah, you would want to create a holiday.

00:22:30.000 You'd want to make it a part of your everyday life.

00:22:34.000 You would be worshipping it.

00:22:36.000 You know, that's the feeling behind a lot of people, why there was all this cattle worship in the ancient world.

00:22:42.000 Yeah.

00:22:43.000 You know, because no one can understand that.

00:22:44.000 Like, why would you have these, like, really aggressive primates?

00:22:49.000 They did worship cats, yeah, but they didn't worship them like people worship, like the Hindus worship cows.

00:22:54.000 Really?

00:22:54.000 Yeah, cows are much more important.

00:22:55.000 Do Hindus worship cows?

00:22:56.000 They just say they leave them alone.

00:22:57.000 No, man, you don't eat them.

00:22:59.000 They don't eat them.

00:23:00.000 They consider them sacred.

00:23:02.000 They consider them...

00:23:03.000 I don't know the...

00:23:05.000 Something.

00:23:05.000 Something cool.

00:23:06.000 They consider them something cool.

00:23:08.000 But I think that has to do with the cow shitting.

00:23:09.000 This is what Wikipedia says about it.

00:23:11.000 And mushrooms growing in the cow shit.

00:23:13.000 This is what Wikipedia has about it.

00:23:15.000 About what?

00:23:16.000 Christmas?

00:23:16.000 The relation for mushrooms to Santa Claus.

00:23:19.000 Okay.

00:23:21.000 Fly agarics.

00:23:22.000 I don't know what fly agarics are.

00:23:24.000 That's the actual plant.

00:23:25.000 Okay.

00:23:26.000 Appearing Christmas cards and New Year's cards from around the world as a symbol of good luck.

00:23:30.000 The ethnobotanist Jonathan Ott has suggested the idea of Santa Claus and tradition of hanging stockings over the fireplace based centrally upon this mushroom itself.

00:23:41.000 There's a lot of people that have had proposals.

00:23:43.000 The generally red and white color scheme.

00:23:44.000 He argues that Santa Claus suit is related to the mushroom.

00:23:46.000 He also draws on parallels with flying reindeer.

00:23:48.000 Reindeer have been reported to consume the mushroom and prance around in an intoxicated manner afterwards.

00:23:54.000 That's what's up with flying reindeer.

00:23:56.000 Reindeer love Amanita muscaria mushrooms so much that when people have these mushroom huddles...

00:24:01.000 And they eat and they trip out.

00:24:02.000 Yeah, they do.

00:24:03.000 The other thing about Amanita muscaria mushrooms is about recycling the urine.

00:24:08.000 The way to really trip your balls off is apparently a lot of whatever it is that's psychoactive inside the mushroom, it passes through your body and into your urine.

00:24:18.000 And if you drink your urine, it kicks the whole experience to the next level.

00:24:22.000 What do you mean?

00:24:23.000 While you're on it?

00:24:24.000 While you're tripping balls, you piss into a cup.

00:24:26.000 I go pee a lot when I'm on mushrooms.

00:24:28.000 You're going to go deep, deep, deep.

00:24:30.000 The guy, the dude who told me who did it said it was crazy.

00:24:33.000 It was like he was tripping and everybody's like, okay, if you have to pee, you got to drink your pee.

00:24:37.000 And he's like, fuck, man, I don't want to drink my pee.

00:24:39.000 I'm already tripping balls.

00:24:40.000 This is good.

00:24:41.000 And he drank his pee and it was like, blah!

00:24:44.000 Really?

00:24:44.000 Yeah.

00:24:45.000 Psilocybin mushrooms, that's the case.

00:24:47.000 Amanita miscaria, that's the case.

00:24:48.000 But I would think while I'm on mushrooms, I'd be like, dude, don't trust your...

00:24:51.000 This is just the mushrooms talking.

00:24:52.000 Do not drink your pee.

00:24:53.000 Yeah.

00:24:54.000 No, it's the shaman talking.

00:24:55.000 It's like the ancient tradition of doing it.

00:24:58.000 That's how you take it to the next level.

00:24:59.000 While you're in the middle of your mushroom experience, you drink your urine, and whatever it is, whether it's psilocin, psilocybin, whatever it is that's passed through, I don't know the technical components of it, but apparently...

00:25:10.000 Talking to several people who've done it.

00:25:11.000 This is what this guy says.

00:25:12.000 If Santa Claus had one eye, or if magic urine had been part of his legend, it'd be way easier to believe.

00:25:18.000 That's why there's a dispute.

00:25:21.000 It's like it's not super clear.

00:25:23.000 Well, yeah.

00:25:24.000 Who the fuck knows?

00:25:25.000 I think it's possible, though.

00:25:26.000 There was an article about it in the magazine Sunday Times in 1980, and The New Scientist in 1986. Those are legitimate...

00:25:34.000 Yeah.

00:25:35.000 Well, it's not, you know, this is not my wacky idea.

00:25:37.000 This is an idea that's been kicked around for decades.

00:25:40.000 People believe it that are, you know...

00:25:43.000 Like, there are serious scholars that believe in this silly idea.

00:25:47.000 But the whole idea of it being illegal is what's the most fascinating thing to me.

00:25:53.000 Yeah, it's illegal.

00:25:53.000 The whole idea that these mushrooms are illegal.

00:25:55.000 That this is somehow or another some person has decided to pass some sort of a law...

00:26:01.000 Saying that you can't experience this.

00:26:03.000 It's bad for you.

00:26:04.000 I was walking out of a pot store once early on at a zen.

00:26:07.000 I was like, I still felt like it's cool that I'm having drugs.

00:26:11.000 And I saw a cop on the corner.

00:26:12.000 I was like, doesn't matter.

00:26:13.000 I'm holding my drugs.

00:26:14.000 But then I realized in my other hand I had a bag of mushrooms.

00:26:15.000 I was like, oh, this I gotta hide.

00:26:18.000 Trying not to be so weird.

00:26:19.000 You fucking dork.

00:26:21.000 Walking down the street with mushrooms in your hand.

00:26:23.000 Wow.

00:26:24.000 You're just living that crazy comedy life, son.

00:26:26.000 I guess.

00:26:27.000 Yeah, you guess.

00:26:27.000 Nobody cares in LA. They don't care in LA. But I hope it stays this way.

00:26:32.000 You know, the real issue is the federal issue.

00:26:35.000 You know, if we could find one cool spot and if they, you know, supported states' rights, we could find a cool spot where we could make pretty much everything legal.

00:26:43.000 We all got together and said, hey, we're going to have one clarity state.

00:26:46.000 Yeah.

00:26:46.000 There's a state where, you know, murder, crime, theft, all that stuff.

00:26:51.000 Yeah, that's all illegal.

00:26:53.000 Arson illegal.

00:26:53.000 The obvious stuff.

00:26:54.000 Rapes illegal.

00:26:54.000 Yeah.

00:26:55.000 The rest of it, shut up, man.

00:26:57.000 The rest of it, just shut the fuck up.

00:26:58.000 There's too many goddamn laws.

00:27:00.000 This is how it's going to go down.

00:27:02.000 This is where the money's going to go here.

00:27:03.000 This is going to be legal.

00:27:04.000 This will be regulated.

00:27:06.000 You'll have to buy in a store.

00:27:08.000 Well, then you'll know it's pure and it's tested by the government.

00:27:11.000 That's where the government can help out.

00:27:12.000 Test mushrooms.

00:27:13.000 That's what you want.

00:27:14.000 You want to help out?

00:27:15.000 You want to really be in service of the people?

00:27:17.000 This is what we do.

00:27:18.000 We get rid of some of the government jobs.

00:27:20.000 Yeah!

00:27:21.000 The John Hopkins study said that people taking mushrooms, even just one experience, significantly affected them for decades.

00:27:28.000 Significantly affected their personality and changed it for the better.

00:27:31.000 I know psychedelic experiences change me.

00:27:34.000 I know.

00:27:34.000 Every time I take them, I have thoughts of what I need to do right or what I'm doing wrong or what's fucking with me.

00:27:43.000 Those are just jolts of reality that you don't get unless you take a psychedelic.

00:27:49.000 You can get pretty deep when you meditate.

00:27:53.000 So where you see yourself outside you really easily.

00:27:56.000 You can get pretty deep when you meditate, and I'm not above the idea that some people can get to psychedelic states naturally, because it's been written about by so many people.

00:28:05.000 I think it's a discipline issue.

00:28:06.000 I think it's just like, you could tell someone, hey, I could teach you martial arts, and you could go and kick somebody's ass.

00:28:14.000 And then you're like, really?

00:28:15.000 Are you sure?

00:28:16.000 And then I give you like one lesson and throw you in there with a guy like Marcelo Garcia and you just get manhandled.

00:28:21.000 You're like, I could never fucking do this.

00:28:23.000 Because I don't think it's a one...

00:28:25.000 I don't think...

00:28:26.000 A lot of people, what you think is possible due to meditation is based on your level of meditation.

00:28:32.000 How deep have you taken it?

00:28:34.000 You know, I mean, how relaxed do you get?

00:28:36.000 How centered do you get when you meditate?

00:28:39.000 Because some people get super distracted and it...

00:28:41.000 It never gets more than a, yeah, it never gets more than a surface sort of a relaxation.

00:28:45.000 I feel like every time I go real deep with mushrooms, I take a little, I see like these universal truths.

00:28:49.000 I can sort of hold on to it barely for like a second or two or like a day.

00:28:53.000 But then it's like the more I go, the more I can bring back and remember.

00:28:56.000 Yeah.

00:28:56.000 I'm like, oh yeah, this thing again, that's right.

00:28:58.000 All about, you know.

00:28:59.000 It's always humbling, right?

00:29:01.000 Always humbling.

00:29:02.000 Yeah, it's like you don't matter.

00:29:04.000 You don't matter.

00:29:05.000 You do.

00:29:05.000 Everyone's just the same.

00:29:06.000 You do.

00:29:06.000 I mean, you do.

00:29:07.000 You have intent and you have will and you can spread positive energy.

00:29:11.000 You do matter.

00:29:13.000 Yeah.

00:29:13.000 You matter.

00:29:14.000 But I mean, goddamn, there's a lot of us.

00:29:17.000 And we're all a part of one thing.

00:29:19.000 If we all matter, then you matter as well.

00:29:22.000 It's not that you don't matter, but goddamn, it's big.

00:29:24.000 It's fucking giant.

00:29:27.000 It's all-encompassing.

00:29:28.000 It's not just your house.

00:29:29.000 It's not just your car.

00:29:31.000 It's not just your street or your neighborhood.

00:29:33.000 It's the whole fucking universe, and it's all together in one giant fucking soup.

00:29:38.000 We just can't feel it.

00:29:39.000 We just can't feel it.

00:29:41.000 We feel like, well, there's distance between us and Mars.

00:29:43.000 There's no distance.

00:29:45.000 Everything between this and that, there's something there.

00:29:48.000 Whether it's dark matter or shit you can't see or stuff we haven't discovered, there is nowhere where there's not something.

00:29:57.000 There's no, even in a vacuum, there's something.

00:30:00.000 There's something everywhere.

00:30:01.000 And, you know, whether it's subatomic, whether it's...

00:30:05.000 We are connected to everything, everywhere.

00:30:09.000 And that is impossible to recognize without some sort of a full-blown psychedelic experience.

00:30:14.000 It takes something like that to feel it.

00:30:17.000 Because otherwise it's just a bunch of words.

00:30:19.000 Because I thought all those words before.

00:30:21.000 I thought all those words like, yeah, it's kind of cool.

00:30:24.000 I think we're all kind of connected.

00:30:26.000 And I think, yeah, the universe is huge.

00:30:29.000 I had all those thoughts before psychedelics.

00:30:32.000 And I had them with...

00:30:34.000 A certain amount of clarity, but there's a big difference between I feel like it sucks you out and just makes you see like you're just one of, even in your state, of so many people that you're just like a blip and then you see time before you and after you and you're like, oh my god.

00:30:49.000 Yeah, it's insane.

00:30:50.000 It's insane to think that we have this short amount of time here and it seems like as the time goes on you just start figuring out what the fuck is going on.

00:31:01.000 That's like the thing about people today.

00:31:04.000 We live long enough to see the hustle.

00:31:07.000 We live long enough to see the bullshit.

00:31:09.000 If we were Romans, man, we would all be long dead.

00:31:13.000 All of us.

00:31:14.000 You're in your 30s.

00:31:15.000 I'm in my 40s.

00:31:16.000 We're dead people.

00:31:17.000 We're dead.

00:31:18.000 There's no way we'd be alive.

00:31:20.000 And if we were alive, we'd be totally crippled.

00:31:23.000 We'd have lion bites on our dicks and shit.

00:31:26.000 One of us would be missing an arm or something, you know?

00:31:29.000 You get fucked up back then, man.

00:31:31.000 But today we can live, and we live safely, and we have enough nutrition, and you're eating vitamins and everything, and you live long enough to see the goddamn hustle.

00:31:39.000 Ten years ago, they said one out of two people in England would live to see a hundred.

00:31:43.000 Goddamn.

00:31:44.000 Wouldn't you love to live in a castle, though, back in the day, where you had the little courtyards, the little houses in between, like inside the castle?

00:31:50.000 In a castle?

00:31:51.000 Yeah, like a really big one.

00:31:53.000 It must have been drafty as fuck.

00:31:54.000 I think that would be crazy, because you have this one giant house, and everybody around you has little houses.

00:31:59.000 That's the dumbest way to live.

00:32:00.000 No, no, no.

00:32:01.000 Wouldn't that be cool just to experience it for three days or something like that?

00:32:05.000 I guess.

00:32:06.000 Experience what it would be like to have all those People in those little houses want to kill you and take your gold.

00:32:10.000 Yeah, I wonder if it was like that.

00:32:11.000 Can you imagine that?

00:32:12.000 If everybody else is starving and there's this giant house with people that are eating gold sandwiches.

00:32:18.000 You sound like you're describing Bashar Assad.

00:32:21.000 Bashar Assad?

00:32:21.000 What is that?

00:32:22.000 He's the leader of Syria.

00:32:23.000 Oh, really?

00:32:24.000 Yeah, it's like everyone's starting to revolt, but it's like, I still got the guns.

00:32:27.000 Oh, wow.

00:32:28.000 Is that what's going on over there?

00:32:31.000 How crazy is that whole Arab area?

00:32:34.000 The whole Arab Spring thing?

00:32:35.000 This is nuts, man.

00:32:36.000 I took that guy out of my death pool.

00:32:38.000 Did you really?

00:32:39.000 Yeah.

00:32:39.000 It's a strange time for the whole part of the world.

00:32:43.000 Yeah, they're all internet, making everybody like, wait, what?

00:32:46.000 They did what over there?

00:32:47.000 Really?

00:32:47.000 Yeah.

00:32:48.000 Well, they see what's possible.

00:32:50.000 He let them have the internet.

00:32:51.000 Really?

00:32:52.000 Is that what happened?

00:32:52.000 He finally went lax on the internet, and then he was like, nah, it was his downfall.

00:32:56.000 Pfft.

00:32:57.000 Yeah, that and the CIA. Bitch!

00:33:00.000 You know the CIA had a little piece of that.

00:33:03.000 They're all saying it's outside influence, like you shouldn't be listening.

00:33:06.000 That's the spies that are starting all this.

00:33:09.000 But maybe, yeah.

00:33:10.000 That's the best way to overthrow them.

00:33:11.000 Get their own people to do it for us.

00:33:13.000 Yeah, sure.

00:33:14.000 Arm them.

00:33:14.000 Arm them, help them.

00:33:15.000 And also, all we're trying to get them to do is just live free.

00:33:18.000 Yeah, but that shit don't work that way.

00:33:20.000 Make the new boss same as the old boss.

00:33:24.000 That's what's going on in Iraq right now.

00:33:26.000 Iraq, apparently, is just a fucking mess right now.

00:33:29.000 Really?

00:33:29.000 Yeah, there's like a civil war about to break out.

00:33:31.000 That's what they always said.

00:33:31.000 As soon as we left, that was just going to happen, right?

00:33:34.000 Of course, man.

00:33:36.000 There's a vacuum.

00:33:38.000 And when there's a vacuum, someone's going to seek to fill it.

00:33:40.000 And there's a lot of people that are still alive that were alive back during the Saddam era.

00:33:45.000 And those people are going to try to get control of that bitch.

00:33:49.000 And then there's new people moving in.

00:33:51.000 And then there's also the idea that...

00:33:53.000 The connection between, you know, Iraq and Afghanistan and all of our resources and where the fuck is this country going and why do we have a hundred different bases all over the country or over the world?

00:34:05.000 It's like, you know, what are we wasting our time and our resources on?

00:34:08.000 Is this really necessary anymore?

00:34:09.000 Or is this just a bunch of people who have contracts and we keep giving them contracts because this is what we've always done and that's how they, you know, that's how they keep politicians in office and then we're stuck because that seems like what it is.

00:34:22.000 We're fucked, Shafir.

00:34:23.000 This is what they said, what Occupy Wall Street finally said.

00:34:26.000 They're like, the problem is if you get sponsored by a big corporation, you know, they give you a bunch of money for your campaign, they can effectively fire you by withholding that money that you need to get elected again.

00:34:38.000 You know?

00:34:40.000 Good luck doing this without, you know, $500 million in your ad budget this year, or however much it is, probably a lot more.

00:34:49.000 I don't know.

00:34:50.000 You need to get those bitches mushrooms.

00:34:52.000 Yeah.

00:34:52.000 Right?

00:34:53.000 Take him to Christmas.

00:34:55.000 That's a good answer to a lot of things.

00:34:56.000 Get those bitches on mushrooms.

00:34:58.000 I tell that to a lot of people.

00:34:59.000 And it really is true.

00:35:00.000 When's the last time you did some mushrooms?

00:35:01.000 Maybe you should take some.

00:35:03.000 Last time I did mushrooms, I found something crazy.

00:35:05.000 I had a huge bag of really good mushrooms and I took half of them and tripped my ass off.

00:35:12.000 Super hard trip.

00:35:13.000 Super visual.

00:35:14.000 Hang on.

00:35:14.000 Hold on.

00:35:15.000 I want to say this real quick.

00:35:16.000 I don't want you to get back to your story.

00:35:17.000 This is where I realized everybody's like, oh, the mushrooms I get are super good.

00:35:19.000 Everybody says that.

00:35:21.000 What they really mean is mushrooms are super good.

00:35:24.000 You ever got bad mushrooms?

00:35:27.000 No.

00:35:28.000 I have.

00:35:29.000 The first time I took it, I had the greatest time.

00:35:31.000 Second time, I ate two hours before and was just sitting on the couch watching Adventure Time and going, wow, this is all right.

00:35:39.000 I took more the second time and it was the same mushrooms.

00:35:44.000 The first time, I tripped my ass off because I didn't eat anything else the whole day.

00:35:48.000 Well, it also could be, you know, I've heard of people getting mushrooms.

00:35:52.000 Actually, I heard you of mushrooms.

00:35:54.000 You said it had some mold on it.

00:35:55.000 And the mold gave you, like, food poisoning?

00:35:57.000 No, mushrooms give you food poisoning.

00:35:59.000 That's what's going to happen.

00:36:00.000 I think sometimes you get sick from mushrooms, and that's usually because maybe the mushrooms are...

00:36:05.000 I've never gotten sick from them.

00:36:06.000 My friend barfed his first time.

00:36:08.000 I got a billy goat stomach.

00:36:09.000 I can eat some shit.

00:36:11.000 I've never barfed, but my friend who gave him to me the first time, who used to make him for everybody, said, you will get, you'll feel nauseous, like you're going to throw up.

00:36:19.000 He's like, you won't throw up.

00:36:20.000 Just sit down, look up in the air for a while, the feeling will pass.

00:36:23.000 Fear Factor completely changed my whole ability to withstand smells and people vomiting.

00:36:28.000 Oh, you can handle anything now.

00:36:29.000 I'm immune.

00:36:30.000 I'm completely immune to getting sick watching someone vomit.

00:36:33.000 Wow.

00:36:34.000 Because I used to physically gag if I smelled puke when I was a kid.

00:36:39.000 You know what it was like.

00:36:40.000 Baby bird.

00:36:41.000 I was getting nauseous.

00:36:42.000 Yeah, baby bird was no problem for me, man.

00:36:44.000 I just sat right through that.

00:36:45.000 And the wind would shift and you'd catch a whiff of it.

00:36:48.000 Yeah, it was horrendous.

00:36:50.000 Baby Bird, if you don't know, was the greatest gag in the history of radio.

00:36:53.000 Greatest radio day of all time.

00:36:54.000 And Ari and I were there.

00:36:56.000 And Bill Burr.

00:36:57.000 And Bill Burr and Jimmy Norton.

00:36:59.000 And what it was, was there was this crazy kid that they had working for Opie and Anthony.

00:37:03.000 And his name is Pat Duffy.

00:37:05.000 You've got to back up on what Babe Bird is.

00:37:07.000 Yeah, well, I'm going to explain it through this way.

00:37:10.000 I'm just going to explain this kid.

00:37:11.000 And they can get this kid to do anything.

00:37:13.000 This kid brushed his teeth with dog shit.

00:37:15.000 He was a maniac.

00:37:17.000 He's a fucking maniac.

00:37:19.000 I saw him drink other people's puke.

00:37:21.000 I saw him drink a glass full of other dudes' pukes.

00:37:24.000 Dudes threw up.

00:37:25.000 There was some sort of an eating contest.

00:37:26.000 There was an eggnog drinking contest.

00:37:29.000 Yeah, but this was a different one.

00:37:30.000 I'm talking about a different one.

00:37:31.000 But I've seen him do some ridiculous shit before this.

00:37:36.000 So we had a bunch of guys there for the egg drinking contest.

00:37:40.000 And Pat from Unaki is the ace in the hole.

00:37:42.000 He wins that bitch every year.

00:37:44.000 He's got diabetes.

00:37:45.000 He's got to take a shot as soon as he's done with it.

00:37:47.000 Yeah, so he's not supposed to be drinking eggnog in the first place.

00:37:49.000 And he's drinking, like, fucking gallons of it.

00:37:52.000 He's a big boy.

00:37:53.000 It's a double shot every 60 seconds.

00:37:54.000 Yeah, and he's up to, like, 70. 70 glasses of shots.

00:37:59.000 When did people start, like, chucking?

00:38:01.000 Oh, man.

00:38:02.000 It seemed like 7, 8 in.

00:38:03.000 Some people, some people, by the way, this is non-alcoholic.

00:38:06.000 This is just eggnog.

00:38:09.000 Because if he drank, like, 70 shots, he'd be a dead man.

00:38:12.000 You'd be a dead man.

00:38:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:38:13.000 But, so, what was your question?

00:38:16.000 When did people start Barford?

00:38:18.000 Because it was like 40 people signed up.

00:38:20.000 He got up to like 70 shots, I believe.

00:38:22.000 It was something insane.

00:38:23.000 It was ridiculous.

00:38:25.000 And he said he was going to puke, and we were trying to figure out what to do with the puke.

00:38:28.000 And just as a joke, I did not think anybody would say this.

00:38:31.000 I said, why don't you have this kid lean his head into the garbage pail and have Pat throw up in his mouth?

00:38:40.000 Oh.

00:38:43.000 I came up with the dumbest shit ever because I didn't think anybody would say yes.

00:38:48.000 And we were on edibles at the time, right?

00:38:50.000 Probably.

00:38:51.000 99% sure.

00:38:52.000 99% yeah.

00:38:53.000 I always am if I do Opie and Anthony.

00:38:56.000 So we were high as a kite and I never thought anyone would actually do this.

00:39:00.000 It was just going to such crazy extremes.

00:39:01.000 Yeah, it was ridiculous.

00:39:02.000 The dude laid on his back with the garbage pail and put his body into it and opened it.

00:39:11.000 A wash before a haircut.

00:39:13.000 Just all the way back.

00:39:14.000 Yeah, it was one of those big tubs, you know, a nice, good-sized garbage pail.

00:39:19.000 And he leans back and opens his mouth, and this guy, Pat from Unaki, and it's available online, right?

00:39:24.000 You can watch it.

00:39:24.000 I had two of the videos online.

00:39:27.000 One got taken down because somebody complained that it was disgusting.

00:39:30.000 But there's another one on there.

00:39:32.000 Can you find it somewhere?

00:39:33.000 Just find, just look up.

00:39:35.000 We can't play it.

00:39:35.000 Why can't we play it?

00:39:36.000 Because we don't have that technology at this here.

00:39:39.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:39:40.000 Okay.

00:39:41.000 All right.

00:39:42.000 Either way, at this one, we need to set up that technology here, huh?

00:39:46.000 Yeah.

00:39:46.000 So this dude, I mean, just Google Baby Bird.

00:39:51.000 There's a picture online.

00:39:52.000 I know that.

00:39:52.000 I believe there's video, too.

00:39:54.000 The amount, the volume that came out of his mouth.

00:39:57.000 He's enveloping the other guy.

00:39:59.000 It was insane.

00:39:59.000 It was the craziest thing I've ever seen anybody ever do.

00:40:01.000 I mean, he's hurling, hurling onto this guy's face.

00:40:06.000 And it's like a cartoon throw-up.

00:40:09.000 It totally doesn't look real.

00:40:10.000 You remember?

00:40:11.000 It's like pouring out a bucket of water out of the window.

00:40:13.000 It was insane!

00:40:14.000 It was so much!

00:40:14.000 It was insane!

00:40:16.000 This giant fat man just unloading.

00:40:19.000 And you know what?

00:40:19.000 I talked to Opie and Anthony.

00:40:20.000 They said they would never be able to do that again.

00:40:22.000 What?

00:40:22.000 They said they can't do that again.

00:40:24.000 Why?

00:40:25.000 Insurance reasons?

00:40:25.000 Insurance reasons.

00:40:26.000 They've tightened up.

00:40:26.000 It's actually dangerous to drink that much in your mouth.

00:40:28.000 Fuck yeah, it's dangerous.

00:40:29.000 Probably.

00:40:30.000 Fuck yeah, it's dangerous.

00:40:31.000 We're glad no one died.

00:40:32.000 Somebody died in Sacramento, I believe.

00:40:35.000 Was it Sacramento?

00:40:36.000 From water?

00:40:37.000 They were drinking water.

00:40:39.000 They had a cut.

00:40:40.000 She died from an overdose of water.

00:40:44.000 It's on break.com.

00:40:45.000 Is it on Break.com?

00:40:47.000 Oh, beautiful.

00:40:48.000 Go check that out, folks.

00:40:49.000 Trust me, it's worth it.

00:40:50.000 And it's on YouTube also.

00:40:51.000 Just in sheer ridiculousness.

00:40:53.000 It's just one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen a person do ever.

00:40:58.000 We were there, Ari.

00:40:59.000 That was so great.

00:41:01.000 It was so great.

00:41:02.000 You were there, right?

00:41:02.000 No.

00:41:02.000 You weren't there, Brian?

00:41:03.000 No.

00:41:04.000 You put the videos on.

00:41:05.000 You were sending me the videos.

00:41:06.000 He was listening later.

00:41:06.000 Oh, that's right.

00:41:07.000 I wish you were there.

00:41:08.000 The barfing started like seven minutes.

00:41:09.000 People would throw up and they were out.

00:41:11.000 And then one guy barfed into some Froot Loops and started eating it with a spoon.

00:41:18.000 Oh my god.

00:41:19.000 That same kid, Pat Duffy?

00:41:21.000 And it just ramped up.

00:41:22.000 Oh, that's right.

00:41:23.000 That's what started it.

00:41:25.000 Oh, that's right.

00:41:28.000 I forgot that part.

00:41:29.000 And it was just like building and building.

00:41:31.000 And there was so much barf in the air.

00:41:32.000 If you want to be a shock jock, that kid is the greatest intern you could ever hope to hire.

00:41:39.000 I mean, that kid's a goddamn kamikaze.

00:41:42.000 If he's still alive.

00:41:43.000 If he's alive.

00:41:44.000 He's alive.

00:41:45.000 He messaged me on Twitter a while back.

00:41:47.000 And they kept throwing that stuff in Roland's face.

00:41:49.000 Yeah.

00:41:50.000 And he would almost barf.

00:41:51.000 They kept showing it to him.

00:41:52.000 It was disgusting.

00:41:54.000 This is the picture.

00:41:54.000 If you go Baby Bird ONA and do a Google image search, it's the first one that pops up.

00:41:59.000 Oh, what an amazing photo it is, too.

00:42:01.000 Come on.

00:42:02.000 Lord, I want to show this to Joe.

00:42:03.000 It's just so silly.

00:42:04.000 It's so great!

00:42:06.000 Anyway, what were you saying about that?

00:42:07.000 They can't do that anymore.

00:42:08.000 There's massive law, massive lawsuits, massive...

00:42:14.000 Really?

00:42:15.000 What it is, basically, is they've clamped down and they've made sure that there's less probability for getting sued.

00:42:23.000 And when there's less probability of getting sued, there's also less probability of something fucking crazy happening.

00:42:27.000 Supreme Court just took on the case, you would love this, of...

00:42:33.000 Getting rid of the FCC standards on network television.

00:42:35.000 Really?

00:42:36.000 Yeah.

00:42:36.000 They said pretty much, since 99% of people have cable, it's ridiculous anyway.

00:42:40.000 Channel 7's okay, but Channel 8's not.

00:42:43.000 Why?

00:42:46.000 Yeah, and they're hearing it now.

00:42:47.000 Would they have to do that now or not anymore?

00:42:49.000 Unfortunately, people are going to fight it, though.

00:42:52.000 There's a lot of pro-family, pro-Christian.

00:42:55.000 There's a lot of money.

00:42:57.000 There will be a program that will be able to show you if there's nudity.

00:43:00.000 God, look at that photo!

00:43:01.000 My God!

00:43:03.000 Look at that photo.

00:43:04.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

00:43:07.000 You can put that picture up.

00:43:09.000 You can put that picture up.

00:43:12.000 Is that the only way to do it here?

00:43:14.000 No, no, Ari emailed it to me.

00:43:16.000 I could do it.

00:43:17.000 Okay.

00:43:18.000 Is that the most ridiculous shit?

00:43:20.000 It looks like he's a spider, like breaking it down with his enzymes, breaking down that other guy.

00:43:25.000 It looks like a cartoon.

00:43:28.000 Anyway, we'll talk about something else before I get sick.

00:43:32.000 Goddamn.

00:43:33.000 Yeah, you can't do that anymore.

00:43:34.000 There's no fun.

00:43:35.000 I mean, if you want to have a business, though, you've got to think.

00:43:37.000 When you get involved in something serious, like this is a gigantic, fucking huge company that's worth hundreds of millions of dollars, they can't lose everything because you assholes want to drink eggnog.

00:43:49.000 Hey, idiot face.

00:43:50.000 Sigh.

00:43:51.000 That's the problem, man.

00:43:52.000 You know, Anthony Cumi, his show is now on iTunes, and he's got a video on iTunes.

00:43:59.000 How's he doing that?

00:44:00.000 I don't know, but he's paying for a video host.

00:44:03.000 Wow.

00:44:04.000 But I tried to do it twice now, and the video wouldn't play.

00:44:08.000 His bandwidth must be fucked or something like that.

00:44:11.000 Yeah.

00:44:11.000 Yeah, I would imagine.

00:44:12.000 I think he just did it.

00:44:13.000 I bet he probably doesn't realize how much money he's going to have to pay in bandwidth.

00:44:16.000 What people don't realize, you have to have a host.

00:44:19.000 If you put something on iTunes, and it is free, you can put your shit on iTunes, but someone has to be downloading it from somewhere.

00:44:28.000 And you have to have a host.

00:44:30.000 iTunes is not storing your stuff.

00:44:33.000 They're not providing bandwidth.

00:44:35.000 They're basically providing a link to a website, a server that you pay for.

00:44:39.000 Right.

00:44:40.000 And what's funny is that there's a lot of web hosts.

00:44:42.000 Like, unfortunately, I use DreamHost, which all my life has been great.

00:44:47.000 But I had to switch to a cloud computing thing where, like, but it was unlimited bandwidth, unlimited storage.

00:44:54.000 Oh, I just have to leave that.

00:44:55.000 No, I'm on that.

00:44:56.000 Oh, great.

00:44:56.000 And then, but what they don't tell you is, no, wait, it doesn't count, like, unlimited memory of the computer, or something like that, you know?

00:45:03.000 Like, if there's too many people, you know?

00:45:05.000 That's how they get you.

00:45:06.000 Yeah, so then you have to raise your bandwidth, and it's some bullshit.

00:45:10.000 The whole thing is a fucking crock.

00:45:12.000 So they tell you it's unlimited bandwidth, and they tell you...

00:45:15.000 Yeah, but they trick you, because then they're like, oh, yeah, it's unlimited, but, you know...

00:45:19.000 It's your memory and your computers.

00:45:24.000 They trick you in that.

00:45:25.000 So they make you buy more hard drives?

00:45:28.000 More computer power.

00:45:29.000 What do you mean by memory?

00:45:30.000 Do you mean by data storage space?

00:45:33.000 Or is it like RAM? Like RAM, pretty much.

00:45:36.000 So you buy more RAM? Yeah.

00:45:37.000 And then so now you're done by RAM, but what's bullshit is, DreamHost, I'm sorry, I'm going to start bashing you now, but DreamHost, you can search, you can have graphs of how much you use, how much RAM you use every hour, right?

00:45:55.000 And so I think I'm paying for, I forget how many, let's just say a thousand RAM. And I'll be using like 400 most of the time.

00:46:04.000 And then out of nowhere, my shit will crash.

00:46:06.000 And they're like, oh, you need to up your even more RAM. You gotta think though, dude.

00:46:10.000 You're running a lot of traffic.

00:46:11.000 No, no.

00:46:11.000 But what they're saying is that my RAM has doubled in one second and crashes the computer.

00:46:16.000 But it doesn't show it on the graph.

00:46:17.000 And they're like, oh, there's spikes.

00:46:19.000 And I'm like, yeah, spikes are doubling in one second and you don't have it on your graph.

00:46:23.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:23.000 So then they make you go up more.

00:46:24.000 Yeah, they can't prove it to you.

00:46:25.000 So then you go higher.

00:46:27.000 For no reason.

00:46:27.000 It's fucking bullshit.

00:46:29.000 Do you feel like you got ganked?

00:46:30.000 I'm getting ganked every day with this fucking dream host.

00:46:33.000 And what's funny is I've had a website with them for a long-ass time, and before I was on cloud computing, when I was just spending like $18 a month, I still had a website that got hit a lot, doing all the videos like Carlos Mencia videos and all those other videos we used to do all the time.

00:46:49.000 My shit got hit a lot, and it never went down.

00:46:52.000 It never was like a problem.

00:46:54.000 But they get you on these cloud computings now.

00:46:57.000 It's just, fuck dream host.

00:46:58.000 That's all I'm saying.

00:46:59.000 Weird.

00:46:59.000 Wow.

00:47:00.000 This is a very angry Brian.

00:47:02.000 Fuck dream host.

00:47:02.000 You see him?

00:47:03.000 He's all fired up, man.

00:47:05.000 He gets passionate about his poor little site.

00:47:08.000 You know, I feel like he'd be a lot more comfortable if he just had a Wikipedia page.

00:47:12.000 Yeah, please make a Wikipedia page.

00:47:14.000 I'm getting beat by a wrestler.

00:47:15.000 So you really believe that if you get this Shorty Award thing, that somehow or another...

00:47:20.000 Yeah, a few administers who have contacted me through Wikipedia...

00:47:24.000 They're just fucking trailing you along.

00:47:26.000 I want to tell you a story about George C. Scott.

00:47:27.000 They don't like you, and then once you get a Shorty Award, they're going to go, who the fuck gives a shit about your Shorty Award, bitch?

00:47:33.000 And then you're going to be like, God damn, I worked so hard to get that Shorty Award.

00:47:36.000 They're making me work for it, those Wikipedia bitches.

00:47:38.000 They're making you bang over.

00:47:39.000 George C. Scott won an Oscar for Patton and said, I'm not going to that, and just didn't show up.

00:47:43.000 He goes, what the fuck do I care?

00:47:45.000 Wow.

00:47:46.000 Well, he was a bad motherfucker.

00:47:47.000 Did you ever see The Hustler?

00:47:49.000 Yeah.

00:47:49.000 George C. Scott was a scary character in The Hustler.

00:47:52.000 You owe me money!

00:47:54.000 He's a scary dude, man.

00:47:56.000 This is after he's screaming that to Paul Newman after he fucked Paul Newman's girlfriend and forced her to commit suicide.

00:48:05.000 And then he said, you owe me money!

00:48:08.000 I was like, whoa.

00:48:09.000 Like it hasn't stopped?

00:48:10.000 Yeah, he was a scary dude.

00:48:12.000 That was a great fucking movie, man.

00:48:14.000 Imagine how good that movie must have been in like, what was it, like 64 or something like that?

00:48:19.000 It was a really old movie, you know?

00:48:22.000 Imagine how good it was then.

00:48:25.000 There's some movies, man, that just hold up and there's other ones you watch and you just go, what the fuck?

00:48:30.000 What happened?

00:48:31.000 What happened between...

00:48:33.000 I always got uncomfortable when I saw stuff like that in movies.

00:48:35.000 I don't know why.

00:48:36.000 It made me feel extra bad with some girl being unfaithful or really fucking over somebody sexually.

00:48:43.000 That always made me feel like, oh, God.

00:48:45.000 That bothers you the most?

00:48:46.000 That's way worse than if you're experimenting on homeless people.

00:48:49.000 Did you, when you were young, did you have a girl that you were really in love with and she left you for another dude?

00:48:55.000 You always thought that that was going to happen, maybe?

00:48:57.000 No, I just thought it was so wrong.

00:48:58.000 Maybe because it didn't happen.

00:48:59.000 See, to me, I dated a gang of whores in a row.

00:49:07.000 And I caught a bunch of them banging other dudes.

00:49:09.000 And so when that happens, it lowers your expectations.

00:49:13.000 So you're like, whatever, it's fine, it happens.

00:49:15.000 You know, I mean, I realized as I got older that it was mostly my fault and I was attracting the wrong person into my life.

00:49:23.000 You know, you're attracting someone where you know.

00:49:26.000 It's the worst that you don't know someone's a whore who just likes to fuck and you're like, damn it, I fell in love.

00:49:30.000 Well, part of it is that and part of it is subconsciously I think you're just trying to attract the wrong person possible.

00:49:36.000 Subconsciously, you don't think you're worthy of anybody any good so you just get these nightmares that you know are never going to last and then you get stuck.

00:49:44.000 I love how Detective Drew always says that.

00:49:46.000 Like, do you always date this type of person?

00:49:48.000 Like, no, I mean, yeah, they all hit me, but what do you mean?

00:49:51.000 There's no correlation, right?

00:49:52.000 My dad hit me.

00:49:54.000 People are fucking strange with patterns, man.

00:49:56.000 They're strange with getting locked into things, you know?

00:49:58.000 Like, I knew dudes, and I never understood this.

00:50:01.000 They could not stop going to the track.

00:50:04.000 They would go to the racetrack, and to them, it was their crack, man.

00:50:08.000 There was guys that didn't even have any money, and they would go and hang out with dudes who had money, hoping that if the guy won something, he would give them a gapper.

00:50:17.000 So they could fucking put it on.

00:50:18.000 Yeah, well, that's the gambler's creed.

00:50:20.000 A gapper is, you know, you throw 20 this guy's way, he sweats your match, you throw 50 his way.

00:50:25.000 It's a big thing in the pool world.

00:50:27.000 Like, say, if you are hanging with a bunch of guys and everyone's broke, and one guy...

00:50:32.000 Wins a bunch of money, he'll give his friends some money if you're hanging out with him and they sweat his match.

00:50:36.000 What do you sweat his match?

00:50:38.000 Cheer for him?

00:50:38.000 Yeah, watch his match.

00:50:39.000 And it's sort of like when you give guys gappers, it's the right intention.

00:50:46.000 It spreads a little of the money around.

00:50:47.000 That way, one day when you're broke, because all those pool players, all those pool hustlers, all professional pool players at one point in time were probably broke.

00:50:57.000 Or we'll be broke again.

00:50:59.000 It's a tough living.

00:51:00.000 When you're out there gambling and you're trying to play in tournaments and you can't get roles and you're trying to make money and you're trying to pay for hotel bills.

00:51:08.000 It's a hard life.

00:51:10.000 The life of the professional pool player out of all the skill games in the world might be one of the hardest lives.

00:51:15.000 They don't make that much money, man.

00:51:17.000 It's hard.

00:51:18.000 It's a hard gig.

00:51:19.000 It's hard to put it together.

00:51:20.000 There's only a few guys at the very top that really make money.

00:51:22.000 Hard gig is so much easier.

00:51:24.000 Our gig's the easiest.

00:51:26.000 But you gotta be funny.

00:51:27.000 If you're not funny, our gig is death.

00:51:29.000 Yeah, if you can't catch a break.

00:51:30.000 If you're not supposed to be a comedian, our gig is the scariest thing in the world for a lot of people.

00:51:34.000 There's a lot of guys who aren't supposed to be comedians that are doing just funny.

00:51:36.000 I know, isn't that weird?

00:51:37.000 Yeah, it is weird.

00:51:38.000 When you're like, what?

00:51:40.000 Everyone agrees you're bad.

00:51:42.000 Yeah, it's weird how some guys, even though they're terrible, somehow or another they wind up sticking around long enough to get paid for it occasionally.

00:51:50.000 Yeah.

00:51:50.000 And not a lot, but every now and then they'll get a gig here and a gig there.

00:51:54.000 Some people like plenty of money.

00:51:55.000 Yeah, and you're like, what the fuck is going on?

00:51:57.000 Is it just a making friends thing?

00:52:00.000 Time in?

00:52:00.000 It's a lot of it.

00:52:01.000 It's totally a lot of it.

00:52:02.000 Because there's a few people, and we know who they are, and we won't have to say any names here, but when they go on stage, it's like they're doing their best impression of a comedian.

00:52:12.000 I think that's everybody who starts comedy.

00:52:15.000 Sure, but these are like 10-year veterans.

00:52:17.000 They never lose that, like, let me do the impression.

00:52:18.000 Yeah, you know those where you work with them on the road somewhere, and you're like, what the fuck am I seeing?

00:52:24.000 Yeah.

00:52:25.000 But they trick somebody into hiring them somewhere.

00:52:28.000 I think there's enough comedians now that they don't ever have to do that anymore.

00:52:32.000 It's not necessary.

00:52:33.000 There's plenty of us.

00:52:34.000 There's enough comedians.

00:52:37.000 There needs to be a network where people can find where the good ones are.

00:52:40.000 I sense a resurgence.

00:52:42.000 I think Comedy Club is coming back.

00:52:44.000 All this junk is helping a lot.

00:52:45.000 People get to know people way easier.

00:52:47.000 Yeah, podcasts help for sure.

00:52:49.000 They're like, oh, these comedians are a cool thing.

00:52:51.000 They're all sort of talking and stuff.

00:52:53.000 Yeah, having the podcast and having people come to the shows because of the podcast.

00:52:57.000 But I think even outside of the podcast, like Louis C.K., the situation where he's selling his things online, I think that gives a big resurgence to it, too.

00:53:06.000 People hear the story.

00:53:07.000 People are excited about it.

00:53:08.000 I just remember when the last Comic Standing started, the comedy store numbers went way up.

00:53:11.000 Yeah.

00:53:11.000 Just because everyone had remembered, like, oh yeah, comedy.

00:53:14.000 Comedy is fucking great, man.

00:53:15.000 It's so great.

00:53:15.000 It's such a great night.

00:53:17.000 Yeah.

00:53:17.000 As a fan, before I was ever a comedian, that was my favorite thing to do.

00:53:21.000 Yeah.

00:53:22.000 I would never pay a lot extra for it on New Year's because I've seen it too much or anything like that.

00:53:27.000 It's just a good, fun date.

00:53:28.000 Yeah, especially if you...

00:53:31.000 People in town, whatever.

00:53:32.000 Yeah.

00:53:33.000 We've gone on the road, and I have a couple of times, and I'm in town when someone I like is playing somewhere, and then I go see them, and I can actually sit and watch like a spectator.

00:53:42.000 I'm telling you, man, yeah.

00:53:43.000 It's fucking great.

00:53:43.000 When I get high at the store, Sebastian is so goddamn funny.

00:53:46.000 Really?

00:53:47.000 He's so fucking funny.

00:53:49.000 Yeah, it's just so fun to watch.

00:53:51.000 I was like, yeah, somebody made a date out of this.

00:53:53.000 Yeah.

00:53:54.000 It's a cool art form, man.

00:53:56.000 I love watching it just as much as I love doing it.

00:53:59.000 Yeah.

00:53:59.000 We're lucky as shit, man.

00:54:01.000 I watched Ice Road Truckers the other day.

00:54:03.000 That's way harder.

00:54:03.000 It's way harder.

00:54:04.000 Imagine being an Ice Road Trucker.

00:54:06.000 Ugh.

00:54:07.000 Imagine that.

00:54:07.000 I know the worst job.

00:54:08.000 This is the worst job.

00:54:09.000 What's the worst job?

00:54:10.000 Tijuana hookers.

00:54:11.000 Used to cost $72.

00:54:12.000 And the breakdown was $60 for the girl, which she splits up with the pimp, however.

00:54:17.000 I'm not sure.

00:54:18.000 $11 for the room.

00:54:20.000 And $1 for the cleanup guy.

00:54:22.000 Whoa.

00:54:22.000 That's the worst job.

00:54:24.000 Whoa.

00:54:24.000 One dollar.

00:54:25.000 Clean up jizz spots and over and over and over again.

00:54:30.000 Not just jizz.

00:54:30.000 Oh yeah.

00:54:31.000 Tijuana, people just shitting all over everybody.

00:54:34.000 Everything's going on down there.

00:54:36.000 It's hot during the day.

00:54:36.000 They're still at full capacity in business.

00:54:38.000 It's really crazy how close that is to San Diego.

00:54:41.000 Everybody used to do that as their trip.

00:54:43.000 But could you imagine, man, being a person who lives in Tijuana and just knowing that San Diego's right there?

00:54:49.000 And right there, there's white people with $7 million houses on the beach and they're drinking margaritas and talking about their pedicure lady.

00:54:58.000 Gross border town.

00:54:59.000 You're in a house made out of cardboard.

00:55:02.000 It's just 20 minutes away.

00:55:04.000 You could drive to their house in 20 minutes.

00:55:05.000 That's insane!

00:55:07.000 How weird is that?

00:55:08.000 How weird is it that there's a third world and the peak of the first world?

00:55:13.000 San Diego is a pretty goddamn nice city.

00:55:15.000 They have some rich neighborhoods there.

00:55:15.000 It's a beautiful place.

00:55:16.000 Yeah, there's one island.

00:55:19.000 I forget what the island is.

00:55:20.000 It's off of San Diego.

00:55:22.000 It's a very small and very exclusive island.

00:55:26.000 Where it's one of the richest pieces of real estate in the country.

00:55:29.000 That's where Donald Rumsfeld...

00:55:31.000 No, Catalina is off of this area.

00:55:33.000 It's like Santa Monica.

00:55:34.000 This one is off...

00:55:35.000 It's a small jump between this and...

00:55:38.000 I forget what it's called.

00:55:40.000 Super wealthy people.

00:55:41.000 Like, ridiculous, stupid fucking mansions.

00:55:44.000 You know, $20 million properties.

00:55:46.000 Shit like that.

00:55:46.000 And that's like a drive to Mexico, man.

00:55:51.000 It's so bizarre.

00:55:52.000 And I guess, I don't know, I mean, I guess the Mexicans, if they wanted to, can get in a boat and just sneak up and get there really quick.

00:55:59.000 Just pull into their neighborhood with a boat.

00:56:00.000 They're coming to get you.

00:56:01.000 For real, man.

00:56:02.000 You could be like hardcore Mexican, you know, gangbangers.

00:56:08.000 They have some castles there too, huh?

00:56:09.000 Hardcore Mexican drug dealers and just getting a boat.

00:56:11.000 Just get in a boat and figure out a way to just do it by cover of night.

00:56:15.000 They kill people.

00:56:16.000 They're going to rehab there.

00:56:18.000 Do they really?

00:56:18.000 They're like, I said, don't get off the sauce.

00:56:20.000 What?

00:56:21.000 Yeah.

00:56:22.000 Really?

00:56:22.000 Where?

00:56:23.000 To all the border towns.

00:56:24.000 I like how you said that, too.

00:56:25.000 Don't get off the sauce.

00:56:26.000 Like you're a 1940s movie bad guy.

00:56:28.000 See?

00:56:29.000 What the fuck was that?

00:56:30.000 Don't get off the sauce, see?

00:56:31.000 You listen to me, see?

00:56:32.000 See?

00:56:34.000 Watching an old movie is like watching a movie from another country.

00:56:36.000 I've been watching the old movies lately.

00:56:38.000 I saw Billy Madison.

00:56:38.000 Not so old.

00:56:39.000 That's Billy Madison.

00:56:41.000 It's like 20 years ago.

00:56:42.000 We're talking about like Clark Gable type shit.

00:56:44.000 You're talking about Billy Madison.

00:56:46.000 I'm talking about watching some stuff from the 40s and 50s.

00:56:50.000 I love it.

00:56:51.000 I'm addicted to it.

00:56:52.000 It's a different language.

00:56:52.000 I love looking at that old shit.

00:56:54.000 It's so weird.

00:56:55.000 What have you ever seen that's good?

00:56:57.000 I just watched How Green Is My Valley.

00:57:01.000 That's a great one.

00:57:02.000 The one with Clark Gable, Gone With the Wind.

00:57:05.000 Oh yeah, that's fascinating.

00:57:05.000 I think we talked about that, but it was just weird.

00:57:08.000 It had slavery aspects and stuff like that.

00:57:11.000 Yeah, that's what was going down back then.

00:57:12.000 There was something else I just watched the other day.

00:57:14.000 Have you ever seen Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

00:57:18.000 No.

00:57:20.000 Elizabeth, what the fuck's her name?

00:57:23.000 The bitch who got married 100,000 times.

00:57:27.000 Liz Taylor.

00:57:28.000 Elizabeth Taylor.

00:57:29.000 Elizabeth Taylor when she was hot as fuck.

00:57:31.000 My god.

00:57:33.000 When she was young, my god that woman was hot.

00:57:35.000 That's why we still talk about her.

00:57:37.000 She was hot!

00:57:39.000 I don't know if she's alive.

00:57:42.000 I don't know, but she's getting older.

00:57:44.000 She's married a couple gay guys along the way.

00:57:46.000 It got weird for a while.

00:57:48.000 Poor lady.

00:57:49.000 When she was young, though, man.

00:57:51.000 Woo!

00:57:52.000 Goddamn.

00:57:53.000 I mean, it falls apart for everybody, but I think for her, it was...

00:57:56.000 You used to have such a great saying.

00:57:58.000 Did you ever see the color purple?

00:58:00.000 Everybody hits the wall.

00:58:01.000 Yeah.

00:58:02.000 You're like in 800 billion years of development.

00:58:05.000 The wall is undefeated.

00:58:07.000 The wall is 6 billion and 0. No one's ever beaten the wall.

00:58:12.000 The wall's coming, bitch.

00:58:14.000 It's coming for you, too.

00:58:15.000 Did you ever see The Color Purple?

00:58:16.000 Yes.

00:58:17.000 I think.

00:58:18.000 See the what?

00:58:19.000 The Color Purple.

00:58:19.000 You know what?

00:58:20.000 I might not have.

00:58:20.000 Oh, yeah, I've seen that.

00:58:21.000 I was really stunned and watched it.

00:58:23.000 Oprah.

00:58:23.000 You're like, Oprah?

00:58:24.000 And it was like really weird slavery, sexual slavery shit, and it was weird.

00:58:28.000 Well, that was a big part of slavery.

00:58:30.000 It's so weird.

00:58:30.000 A big part of slavery was the master coming down and banging the slaves.

00:58:34.000 Yeah, Danny Glover.

00:58:35.000 That was legit, man.

00:58:37.000 They used to have children with slaves.

00:58:38.000 I couldn't watch it.

00:58:38.000 Yeah, but that's what it was about.

00:58:39.000 I couldn't watch it.

00:58:40.000 It was just too creepy.

00:58:42.000 Could you imagine?

00:58:43.000 I thought Color Purple was right after slavery.

00:58:44.000 You thought what was?

00:58:45.000 Color Purple?

00:58:46.000 Color Purple.

00:58:46.000 I don't know.

00:58:47.000 I'm pretty sure I didn't actually see it.

00:58:49.000 It's one of those that I always intend on seeing, but I never get around to it.

00:58:52.000 Yeah.

00:58:52.000 But I think it was super common for the slave owners to have sex with their slaves.

00:58:57.000 Oh, yeah.

00:58:58.000 Benjamin Franklin, right?

00:58:59.000 Didn't he have a ton of grandkids that way?

00:59:00.000 I wonder how many of the male slaves had sex with the women.

00:59:03.000 Because that must have been going on too, where women were ignored and they got the male slaves to bang them.

00:59:08.000 God, the punishment for that was just clearly death.

00:59:11.000 I wonder.

00:59:11.000 Is it worth it?

00:59:12.000 I wonder.

00:59:13.000 I wonder if you're allowed to.

00:59:14.000 There must have been those stories of having, like, she gets pregnant and she goes, who did it?

00:59:18.000 Yeah.

00:59:19.000 I mean, it has to have happened.

00:59:20.000 Listen, man, as long as there's dudes slinging dick, there's chicks jumping on them.

00:59:25.000 As long as there have been black people, they have been attracted to white women.

00:59:28.000 Yep, and as long as there have been white women, they've been attracted to black dicks.

00:59:31.000 It's like, grow my weed and smoke my dick.

00:59:34.000 To the slave.

00:59:35.000 That's what she would say?

00:59:37.000 No, that's what you would say to your slave.

00:59:38.000 Grow my weed and suck my dick.

00:59:40.000 Smoke my dick.

00:59:42.000 Okay, Brian.

00:59:43.000 Sometimes write these down and go over them and go, is this worth interjecting in there?

00:59:47.000 Grow my weed and smoke my dick.

00:59:49.000 And you're like, damn it, that wasn't good.

00:59:51.000 It all comes from a good place.

00:59:53.000 We have to remember that.

00:59:54.000 We're talking about...

00:59:55.000 You guys were talking about slaves, right?

00:59:57.000 Fucking your slaves.

00:59:58.000 Yeah, I get you.

00:59:59.000 And I just said I wasn't doing a bit.

01:00:01.000 I just...

01:00:02.000 It's okay, buddy.

01:00:04.000 We're just trying to keep the conversation moving.

01:00:05.000 I'm not trying to be harsh.

01:00:06.000 I'm going to be in Minneapolis.

01:00:08.000 What are you doing?

01:00:08.000 At the end of...

01:00:09.000 Are you doing Acme?

01:00:10.000 Rick Brunson's House of Comedy.

01:00:12.000 Oh, what is that?

01:00:12.000 Is that a new place?

01:00:13.000 Yeah, he owns a place in Edmonton, too.

01:00:15.000 Man, I love Minneapolis, but I can't fade that fucking wintertime, son.

01:00:19.000 It's Mall of America.

01:00:20.000 I might never have to leave.

01:00:22.000 So you fly into the mall?

01:00:24.000 No, I won't have to go from the flight.

01:00:26.000 Somehow or another, you're going to be outside.

01:00:27.000 Yeah, that's the worst.

01:00:28.000 You're going to have to be in that tube.

01:00:29.000 Yeah, I hate it.

01:00:30.000 I hate the winter.

01:00:32.000 It's cold as fuck.

01:00:33.000 They're like, what do you got in February?

01:00:34.000 I'm like, what do you got in April?

01:00:35.000 It's cold as fuck.

01:00:36.000 Yeah.

01:00:38.000 It gets like zeros.

01:00:41.000 That's what I'm going to, Thursday.

01:00:42.000 And it's going to start snowing.

01:00:44.000 You go to Ohio.

01:00:45.000 Yeah, right now it's 50, but supposedly there's just like this sleet and freezing rain and snowstorm shit going the day I planned.

01:00:51.000 I hit freezing rain once in Ohio.

01:00:53.000 Did a 360 on the highway.

01:00:55.000 Really?

01:00:55.000 Yep.

01:00:56.000 With me and Chris McGuire.

01:00:58.000 360?

01:00:58.000 Yep.

01:00:58.000 Flipped all the way around?

01:00:59.000 Yep, all the way around.

01:01:00.000 Missed the guardrail, missed everything.

01:01:02.000 We just kept driving.

01:01:03.000 My dad used to have...

01:01:04.000 He was driving over the bridge.

01:01:05.000 You know how you go over bridges and bridges are the place where black ice forms?

01:01:08.000 Yeah.

01:01:09.000 Yeah.

01:01:09.000 Because actually the wind coming over it freezes it.

01:01:11.000 So how about that?

01:01:12.000 A 360 on a bridge.

01:01:14.000 What'd you hit?

01:01:15.000 Nothing.

01:01:16.000 Wow.

01:01:16.000 Yeah, spun around.

01:01:17.000 That must be God, right?

01:01:18.000 Yep.

01:01:19.000 Word.

01:01:21.000 Why isn't it God, Ari?

01:01:23.000 Maybe it is.

01:01:24.000 Maybe it's the secret.

01:01:26.000 Maybe you engineered it.

01:01:26.000 Blow in the ice and not make that go.

01:01:28.000 Maybe you engineered it so.

01:01:31.000 My dad used to have this giant Suburban, the old style Suburbans.

01:01:34.000 Oh, those are great.

01:01:34.000 He got like a second and third motor in it.

01:01:36.000 He just kept it going.

01:01:37.000 But he would see people start to skid in the snow and come at him like 10 miles an hour, just like that.

01:01:43.000 And he's just like, here we go.

01:01:45.000 Pump it.

01:01:46.000 He was like, let's just get some cash.

01:01:48.000 Yeah, he's just driving a tank.

01:01:49.000 And he'd be like, let's just do this off the books.

01:01:51.000 Oh, that's what he'd do?

01:01:52.000 Are you serious?

01:01:53.000 Never fix shit.

01:01:56.000 It's going to be about, looks like $800 in damage, right?

01:01:58.000 Let's go.

01:01:59.000 Let's do this.

01:02:00.000 And they would give him $800.

01:02:01.000 How many people hit him?

01:02:02.000 It happened like every other summer.

01:02:04.000 So what would he do?

01:02:04.000 Would he just go out when it's snowing and try to make some money?

01:02:07.000 He wouldn't try.

01:02:08.000 There's one stop.

01:02:09.000 We're in a university, and when you cut through university in Arcola, it would be like, it was just downhill.

01:02:15.000 And it was like people would start to go there, and they just couldn't stop.

01:02:17.000 It could cover snow.

01:02:18.000 And if you're at the bottom of the hill, they're coming right at you.

01:02:20.000 Nothing you can do.

01:02:21.000 I lived on a street that completely froze and became a hockey rink.

01:02:25.000 And me and my sister's boyfriend sat on the roof and we drank beers and watched cars crash.

01:02:34.000 Cars slide down the hill.

01:02:36.000 Yeah, that's my favorite video.

01:02:38.000 We called the cops.

01:02:39.000 We called the cops.

01:02:40.000 And told them it was dangerous?

01:02:41.000 Cops fucking did the same thing.

01:02:43.000 They did the same thing.

01:02:44.000 We saw the first car slide by the house.

01:02:47.000 And we're like, what the fuck?

01:02:49.000 And I go, dude, I think the street is ice now.

01:02:51.000 And so we opened up the door and looked, and it looked like ice.

01:02:55.000 I'm like, it looks wet, for sure.

01:02:57.000 And I got up to him, and I'm like, fuck, it's ice.

01:02:58.000 Just a sheet of ice.

01:02:59.000 The whole street, and we were on a hill, so the whole street is just a sheet of ice.

01:03:03.000 And one after another car just came down, and ba-boom!

01:03:07.000 Hit the curb, and one flying off into the fucking woods.

01:03:10.000 Went over and over and over, and this happened.

01:03:13.000 So we called the cops immediately.

01:03:14.000 So the cops came down, same thing.

01:03:16.000 Bang!

01:03:17.000 The cops bounce off the curb.

01:03:18.000 Boom!

01:03:18.000 The cops slam into the other cars.

01:03:20.000 They just keep going.

01:03:21.000 Yeah, they were piling into each other.

01:03:22.000 And all the cars were parked on the side of the street.

01:03:24.000 Yeah, they were all stuck.

01:03:25.000 They were all stuck and jammed and fucked up.

01:03:28.000 Some of them were in little ditches, and some of them were in the woods where the bushes were and shit.

01:03:33.000 And they just kept coming.

01:03:35.000 Yeah, some people got through it.

01:03:37.000 Some people had some good skills.

01:03:38.000 Some people just slid with it and kind of like straightened out.

01:03:42.000 They managed to keep control.

01:03:43.000 Yeah, they managed to come down the hill not too crazy.

01:03:46.000 Oh, that makes it more exciting.

01:03:47.000 You never know what's going to happen.

01:03:48.000 Yeah.

01:03:48.000 Well, I think the people that really fucked up, they fucked up because they came down the hill like they were driving.

01:03:53.000 They wanted to drive.

01:03:54.000 Yeah, and then all of a sudden, oh, fuck.

01:03:57.000 So if you're going 40, 50 miles an hour, whatever the hell you were, and then you hit that ice, that's it, bitch.

01:04:01.000 You should have taken bets on what the next car is going to do.

01:04:04.000 It makes you think, man, fuck living anywhere where it's that cold.

01:04:07.000 We were talking about this before the show, that there's an icebound fuel tanker in Alaska.

01:04:15.000 It's stuck.

01:04:16.000 That was before the show?

01:04:17.000 The ocean, yeah.

01:04:18.000 The ocean's frozen around this fucking boat.

01:04:21.000 And so they got to send a Coast Guard ice cutter.

01:04:25.000 Wow.

01:04:25.000 So the ice cutter is breaking the ice around this Russian tanker.

01:04:29.000 This Russian tanker is just stuck there in a gigantic skating rink that's the ocean.

01:04:36.000 And it's just creeping around, pressing against the hull.

01:04:41.000 Could you imagine the trillions of pounds of ice?

01:04:44.000 You would hear that sound.

01:04:44.000 It would be so scary.

01:04:47.000 Oh my god, and you're thinking it's gonna pop.

01:04:49.000 The whole thing's gonna pop, and I'm gonna die.

01:04:50.000 I'm gonna die right here on the top of this fucking frozen bullshit.

01:04:53.000 There was an X-Files episode from Frozen Tanker.

01:04:56.000 Really?

01:04:56.000 Yeah, they got frozen in, and then some virus was out, too, to kill them.

01:05:00.000 Oh, fuck that.

01:05:01.000 They were turning old.

01:05:03.000 At a super quick rate.

01:05:05.000 Oh, with the virus?

01:05:06.000 That's what it was?

01:05:06.000 Yeah.

01:05:07.000 And so they had to drink regular water.

01:05:08.000 The only water they had was infected.

01:05:10.000 And so it would make them turn old and they couldn't get any water.

01:05:12.000 They were frozen in.

01:05:13.000 So what did they do?

01:05:15.000 They got rescued right before they died of old age and they got sent back to their regular age.

01:05:19.000 Oh, they get sent back to the regular age.

01:05:21.000 How convenient.

01:05:22.000 Yeah, well, they fed him regular water.

01:05:25.000 Oh, that's all it took?

01:05:26.000 Yeah.

01:05:26.000 Oh, we just need to get him saline.

01:05:28.000 We can reverse this.

01:05:29.000 Fucking stupid plot.

01:05:31.000 Who wrote that?

01:05:31.000 How dare you, whoever you are.

01:05:33.000 That was at the end of the X-Files when they were basically just phoning in.

01:05:36.000 I'm trying to think when that was.

01:05:37.000 I don't know.

01:05:38.000 Maybe.

01:05:39.000 Yeah, it was like this isn't...

01:05:40.000 They were out there, though, to find something.

01:05:42.000 I don't know why they were out there.

01:05:43.000 There comes a time when some people just phone it in.

01:05:46.000 A certain amount of seasons have lost.

01:05:48.000 We're done trying.

01:05:49.000 Yeah.

01:05:50.000 That's why athletes always post-date their giant contracts.

01:05:54.000 Because they're like, I might get another contract.

01:05:55.000 I'm done working.

01:05:56.000 And I'm going to make $30 million.

01:05:58.000 What do you mean by post-date?

01:05:59.000 They get more money as the contract goes.

01:06:02.000 A 10-year contract.

01:06:03.000 So you're making three times as much in the 10th year as you are in the first year.

01:06:05.000 Oh, really?

01:06:06.000 Yeah.

01:06:07.000 But that's when you're going to be way worse.

01:06:09.000 Sure, unless you're some crazy person that's completely dedicated to always being the best ever.

01:06:14.000 How bad did Michael Jordan fall off before he quit?

01:06:17.000 He didn't.

01:06:18.000 He didn't.

01:06:18.000 Did he quit the first time?

01:06:19.000 He was MVP level.

01:06:20.000 No, not when he quit to play baseball.

01:06:22.000 When he quit, quit.

01:06:22.000 Quit, quit.

01:06:23.000 When he came back, he wasn't quite as good...

01:06:28.000 Yeah, he came back after that.

01:06:29.000 That's right.

01:06:30.000 Yeah, he was bad.

01:06:31.000 Then he said he really hurt the Wizards, the Bullets.

01:06:33.000 Really?

01:06:34.000 Because everyone would sort of stand around and watch him.

01:06:36.000 It was Jordan's time.

01:06:38.000 So everyone else got worse.

01:06:39.000 Oh, that's crazy.

01:06:41.000 That's funny.

01:06:42.000 So they got to give him the ball so much.

01:06:44.000 Yeah, like Jerry Stackhouse and people had to like watch him.

01:06:46.000 Really?

01:06:47.000 Like he's got to be our first option.

01:06:48.000 I used to be, now I'm the second, so I guess I'm just not as into it.

01:06:51.000 Really?

01:06:52.000 Yeah.

01:06:53.000 That's fascinating.

01:06:54.000 It really hurt the Wizards.

01:06:54.000 Because they could have gotten a one or two pick, but instead he just came.

01:06:58.000 So they ended up getting that eight or nine pick.

01:07:00.000 So how long did he play with them for?

01:07:02.000 I think a year, maybe two.

01:07:04.000 So that was it.

01:07:05.000 He took off the time for baseball.

01:07:06.000 Like one year did he take for baseball?

01:07:08.000 Maybe two.

01:07:10.000 Maybe one.

01:07:10.000 I'm not sure.

01:07:11.000 I wonder what that was about.

01:07:12.000 He wanted to be like, well, my dad's on my last game.

01:07:14.000 His dad got murdered.

01:07:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:16.000 Remember, by the side of the road in North Carolina.

01:07:18.000 What the fuck?

01:07:19.000 Yeah.

01:07:20.000 And then he was going to buy the fucking Hornets when they were still in Charlotte, but the owner got super Jewy and Grady about it, and he was like, if you buy it, it'll be worth more, so I want more money.

01:07:29.000 What?

01:07:29.000 Yeah.

01:07:30.000 A Michael Jordan-owned franchise would be worth more, so you've got to pay more than this place is worth.

01:07:34.000 What kind of ridiculous fucking logic is that?

01:07:38.000 I don't know.

01:07:38.000 Then he lost it.

01:07:39.000 People are funny that way.

01:07:40.000 You hear some ridiculous claims that people want things sometimes.

01:07:46.000 It just makes you go, what?

01:07:47.000 Yeah.

01:07:49.000 That's a pretty ridiculous one.

01:07:51.000 Yeah.

01:07:51.000 What's it worth?

01:07:53.000 He brings that money to anyone then.

01:07:55.000 Some people are just unreasonable cunts.

01:07:56.000 You see David Cross on Conan O'Brien last night?

01:07:59.000 No.

01:07:59.000 What do you do?

01:08:00.000 Is David Cross Jewish?

01:08:03.000 Yeah.

01:08:05.000 He was hilarious, man.

01:08:06.000 He was promoting one of the movies he did was Chipmunks 2. But he's a pretty out there atheist though.

01:08:11.000 Yeah.

01:08:11.000 He was promoting Chipmunks 2 and he was just like bashing it.

01:08:15.000 Like, don't fucking go see this movie.

01:08:16.000 And one of the producers, like calling out a producer, even called her out as being a female.

01:08:20.000 He didn't even say her name.

01:08:21.000 Really?

01:08:21.000 Yeah.

01:08:22.000 And he goes, you know, blah, blah, blah.

01:08:24.000 He just went off.

01:08:25.000 And then he started saying, you know what?

01:08:26.000 She has all the qualities of why people...

01:08:29.000 When they say they hate Jewish people or something like that.

01:08:31.000 It was so uncomfortable.

01:08:35.000 And even Conan, you could tell they edited something right out of there because it was one of those weird cuts where it's like, oh, let's talk about this other show.

01:08:43.000 Holy shit.

01:08:44.000 It was weird.

01:08:45.000 I think you can watch it probably on whatever.

01:08:46.000 David Cross does not strike me as an angry guy.

01:08:48.000 He was upset.

01:08:49.000 I just ran into him at the airport the other day.

01:08:51.000 He was super pleasant.

01:08:52.000 Oh, no, no.

01:08:53.000 He just seemed like he was pissed off at somebody.

01:08:55.000 No, but that's what I'm saying.

01:08:56.000 I'm saying if someone got him that riled up, that he would be angry on Conan about it.

01:09:01.000 He was just doing it to separate himself from the fact that he's doing Chipmunks 2. Chipmunks 2, chipwrecked.

01:09:05.000 When he used to like...

01:09:06.000 Mock all movies like that.

01:09:08.000 Really?

01:09:09.000 That's what he's doing?

01:09:10.000 He said even the movie is a giant commercial for whatever that boat company is that they used in the movie.

01:09:18.000 Boat company?

01:09:19.000 What's one of the cruise ships?

01:09:21.000 Yeah, it's like one of the cruise ships.

01:09:23.000 He's like, it's just a big fucking commercial for them anyways.

01:09:25.000 And he just started going off on the movie to that point where he's saying the movie is just bullshit and it's just a commercial.

01:09:31.000 Well, is that much worse than the first Chipmunks that he also did?

01:09:34.000 It was beautiful.

01:09:35.000 It was so much worse that he couldn't see it coming from the first one.

01:09:37.000 I saw it.

01:09:38.000 He chose to take the money but just like shit on it afterwards.

01:09:41.000 Well, if it's funny, is he shitting on it and being funny?

01:09:44.000 Is he just joking around?

01:09:45.000 I don't know.

01:09:46.000 Call it up.

01:09:46.000 I'm sure it's there.

01:09:48.000 Yeah, if it was on last night, I'm sure it's there.

01:09:49.000 I read a thing on his website where he had to defend himself when he was doing it the first time.

01:09:54.000 That all these hipsters were angry at him for doing the Chipmunks movie.

01:09:58.000 And Men in Black, they were mad at him for that.

01:10:00.000 Yeah, he had to defend himself.

01:10:02.000 Who do you care?

01:10:03.000 He's doing a little kids movie.

01:10:04.000 Who gives a shit?

01:10:05.000 That whole scene used to shit on Tim Allen for doing the Santa Claus.

01:10:09.000 It's a fucking kids movie.

01:10:11.000 Who cares?

01:10:11.000 The whole scene is a bunch of bullies who were picked on when they were younger and they became bullies.

01:10:16.000 I shouldn't say the whole scene.

01:10:18.000 It's not the whole scene.

01:10:19.000 That alternative scene.

01:10:20.000 It's part of the alternative scene is the pointing fingers at people and talking down about people and the shitting on people.

01:10:28.000 You know, look, there's a lot of people that are nice people, and I don't like their acts.

01:10:31.000 But they're nice, and I like seeing them.

01:10:33.000 There's a lot of people that I like seeing.

01:10:35.000 Name seven.

01:10:35.000 I can't.

01:10:36.000 I can name a few, but I wouldn't do it on the air.

01:10:39.000 There wouldn't be seven, but there might be four, there might be five.

01:10:42.000 No, there's plenty of people you don't like.

01:10:43.000 There's a lot of people that...

01:10:44.000 There's a lot of those people you don't like at all.

01:10:46.000 Yeah, well, there's annoying people.

01:10:48.000 But the point is, there's a certain in and it club, being a part of it, that scene, the alternative scene.

01:11:00.000 It's a very judgmental and sort of like a bitchy little scene.

01:11:03.000 I don't want to generalize completely, but the idea that I always got was that they were like the dorks in high school.

01:11:11.000 Yeah, and now they're powerful.

01:11:12.000 And now they're powerful.

01:11:13.000 They took the power.

01:11:14.000 But they're turning on other people the same way people turned on them in high school.

01:11:19.000 Yeah, it's not as bad as that now.

01:11:20.000 It's kind of way better.

01:11:21.000 But yeah, it seemed like a totally good thing.

01:11:22.000 There was a vibe of that.

01:11:24.000 Bert Kreischer told me a horrible story once about a bunch of alternative guys being mean to him.

01:11:30.000 And I was like, you know what?

01:11:32.000 It's so stupid.

01:11:33.000 When you see someone that you know...

01:11:35.000 It's just homerism.

01:11:36.000 It's just like our thing.

01:11:38.000 It's just like saying Brooklyn's the best or Stockton's the best.

01:11:40.000 It's clearly not.

01:11:41.000 Well, you know, there's a...

01:11:43.000 But it's just like saying our thing is the people we haven't run into are the best comics in the world.

01:11:47.000 And it's like, not other people that you randomly didn't run into?

01:11:49.000 I think it's also a thing where people want confirmation that they're on the right track.

01:11:53.000 Yeah, that's what it is.

01:11:53.000 And the best way to do that is to shit on people who are on a different track.

01:11:55.000 So you gotta make your team the most powerful team.

01:11:57.000 Yeah.

01:11:58.000 Yeah, what is that, man?

01:12:00.000 People want you to be on their fucking...

01:12:01.000 your cell phone provider.

01:12:03.000 You have to get mad if you're not.

01:12:05.000 Come on, man.

01:12:05.000 You still with AT&T, bro?

01:12:07.000 I thought you were smarter than that.

01:12:08.000 I thought you were smarter than that.

01:12:09.000 Because you want to be 100% right in all your choices.

01:12:12.000 Yeah, right?

01:12:12.000 And just like, no, in my neighborhood, Verizon's not good.

01:12:15.000 In yours, it is.

01:12:16.000 It's really like a religious thing, too.

01:12:18.000 It's all the same shit.

01:12:20.000 We're fucked.

01:12:21.000 We're stupid.

01:12:22.000 We're a stupid monkey.

01:12:24.000 We're not supposed to have this kind of power, Shafir.

01:12:25.000 That's the real issue.

01:12:27.000 We're still supposed to be figuring out consciousness.

01:12:30.000 We're not supposed to be working on nuclear bombs at this stage.

01:12:34.000 We're way ahead of ourselves, technologically.

01:12:37.000 Right, Brian?

01:12:38.000 What are you looking at, Brian?

01:12:39.000 I'm trying to get this clip for you.

01:12:41.000 There's been the silence attack.

01:12:42.000 You're watching something.

01:12:43.000 I have to watch fucking commercials.

01:12:45.000 Yeah, that's just how it goes now.

01:12:47.000 You can't watch a YouTube clip anymore.

01:12:48.000 You gotta watch some 30 seconds of bullshit first.

01:12:51.000 Very, very annoying.

01:12:52.000 Yeah, goddammit.

01:12:53.000 And this is five minutes.

01:12:54.000 This was five minutes of commercials.

01:12:56.000 What?

01:12:57.000 Yeah, it's on Team Coco's website.

01:12:59.000 Wait a minute.

01:12:59.000 You have five minutes of commercials before you can watch the clip?

01:13:02.000 No, no, you get to watch the first 20 minutes or something like that, and then they make you watch a five-minute commercial break.

01:13:09.000 So they do it just like it's TV. Regular TV. Wow.

01:13:13.000 There's no YouTube clips of that?

01:13:14.000 Or Hulu?

01:13:15.000 Well, I just have a feeling that the ones I will find will cut off before...

01:13:20.000 At least this is some sort of an alternative for them to be able to advertise on videos and promote these videos getting out there.

01:13:29.000 All you have to do is watch some 30 seconds clip here or there.

01:13:33.000 They do it on South Park Studios, too, in between breaks.

01:13:35.000 Do they?

01:13:36.000 Like, every once in a while they play a 30-second commercial.

01:13:38.000 Not much, though.

01:13:39.000 And they have the kids cursing, so it's way better.

01:13:42.000 So, Brian, did you find it online, anywhere other than the Team Coco website?

01:13:46.000 No.

01:13:47.000 I heard that that show was not doing very well, ratings-wise.

01:13:50.000 Oh yeah, everyone's saying that.

01:13:52.000 That's weird, man.

01:13:55.000 People loved Conan O'Brien when he was on NBC in that time slot, and for whatever reason, why can't they follow him?

01:14:01.000 Why isn't it the same amount of people following him?

01:14:03.000 I guess you can DVR it, but I feel like those people were...

01:14:06.000 I don't know.

01:14:08.000 People liked liking him.

01:14:09.000 They liked the idea of liking Conan.

01:14:10.000 But they didn't really watch when he was on earlier.

01:14:15.000 Really?

01:14:15.000 I mean, they didn't watch.

01:14:17.000 You can blame it on the lead-in all you want, but those people weren't watching.

01:14:20.000 All my friends are like, that's way better.

01:14:21.000 I'm like, when's the last time you watched it?

01:14:23.000 Well, it is a weird thing that they had when they did that Jay Leno thing, when they had the Jay Leno show at 10, then they had the Tonight Show at 11. That was wonky.

01:14:31.000 That was a silly idea.

01:14:33.000 Got everybody talking about it.

01:14:34.000 Here it is.

01:14:35.000 Okay, so it doesn't, it doesn't, it's just in your professionally worst thing that ever happened to you.

01:14:40.000 Yeah, it was a miserable experience because of...

01:14:44.000 He's talking about being in the movie, Chipmunks 2. I was forced, at legal point, to spend a week on a cruise ship.

01:14:56.000 And I know you and your family love going on cruises.

01:14:59.000 That's all we do.

01:15:00.000 I know, I know, I know.

01:15:01.000 So I'm not trying to...

01:15:03.000 I've never been on a cruise in my life.

01:15:04.000 No, Conan, stop it.

01:15:06.000 It's me.

01:15:07.000 No.

01:15:09.000 All right.

01:15:10.000 Yes, let's just say I love going on cruises.

01:15:12.000 You go on the Disney fun time cruise and, you know...

01:15:16.000 So far it sounds fine.

01:15:17.000 Now, how could they legally...

01:15:18.000 Why would they legally want to make you be on a cruise ship?

01:15:21.000 Explain that to me.

01:15:22.000 I don't know!

01:15:23.000 It was terrible!

01:15:26.000 There was no reason for me to be there, if you see the movie and don't.

01:15:34.000 It was...

01:15:36.000 And, I mean, first of all, Chipwrecked.

01:15:39.000 It's a pun.

01:15:40.000 You know, kids, five-year-olds love puns.

01:15:43.000 They love it.

01:15:44.000 They love wordplay.

01:15:45.000 And it's a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines.

01:15:50.000 The entire movie.

01:15:51.000 Yes.

01:15:53.000 And they thought, won't it be fun to get David on there?

01:15:56.000 And the scenes on...

01:15:59.000 That take place on the cruise ship.

01:16:01.000 I am always in a pelican mascot foam rubber outfit where you cannot see any of my flesh nor do I have any dialogue.

01:16:15.000 Well, wait, if that's the case, I'm sure you said to them, get a stand-in, get someone else to be in the foam-rubber costume, and take them away on a cruise for a week.

01:16:24.000 Yes.

01:16:24.000 I tried that line of logic and reason, but there was one producer who...

01:16:32.000 Everybody else had my back, and the director was like, oh, we don't...

01:16:34.000 It's fine.

01:16:35.000 We don't need him.

01:16:35.000 And I'm in the middle of Todd Margaret, too.

01:16:37.000 I was in London, and...

01:16:40.000 And they're like, no, you have to go...

01:16:42.000 Or it's more like...

01:16:43.000 And there's this one producer, and I won't say...

01:16:51.000 But she is the personification of what people think about when they think negatively about Jews.

01:17:03.000 So...

01:17:03.000 To give you...

01:17:07.000 You know when people conjure up...

01:17:09.000 No.

01:17:10.000 No, I don't.

01:17:15.000 Let's talk about your show, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd.

01:17:17.000 Margaret, very funny show.

01:17:19.000 I'm sure you enjoy it.

01:17:19.000 And then there was a cut where even Conan's arm moved a little bit.

01:17:23.000 I didn't see the cut, but I definitely saw him pretty uncomfortable.

01:17:26.000 Do you want to see the cut?

01:17:26.000 No, I don't care.

01:17:28.000 Yeah, wow, that was strong words.

01:17:30.000 But I wonder if he's really good friends with a girl and he's just fucking around.

01:17:33.000 It could be that he was good friends with her and that was just a joke.

01:17:39.000 Bashing a movie that just was released that that person's producing?

01:17:42.000 I doubt it.

01:17:43.000 Was he bashing the movie?

01:17:44.000 Yeah, he said don't see the movie.

01:17:46.000 And then he said it's just a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines.

01:17:49.000 Right.

01:17:50.000 Well, did they make him do the movie?

01:17:52.000 Is that what happened?

01:17:52.000 Was he contractually obligated to do the second film?

01:17:55.000 I don't know.

01:17:56.000 I think he was just pissed about being on that boat for a week.

01:17:59.000 Yeah, that was the bit.

01:18:00.000 Yeah.

01:18:02.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

01:18:03.000 It didn't offend me.

01:18:05.000 It didn't seem that bad at all.

01:18:06.000 Yeah, I mean, the movie is what the movie is.

01:18:07.000 He made a joke.

01:18:08.000 He made a joke.

01:18:09.000 Like, don't say it.

01:18:09.000 It's for five-year-olds.

01:18:10.000 Yeah, he's a fucking comic.

01:18:11.000 It's not for him.

01:18:12.000 He did a job, and it's not his gig, you know?

01:18:14.000 I'm just saying it was funny.

01:18:16.000 Yeah, no, it was.

01:18:17.000 Well, he's funny.

01:18:18.000 David Cross is fucking hilarious.

01:18:20.000 But, yeah, it probably sucks to be him and be one of those movies and take all that hipster shit.

01:18:25.000 Those hipsters are probably, like, super mad at him.

01:18:27.000 They were.

01:18:28.000 Dude, you fucking totally sold out!

01:18:30.000 See that Patton Huzzle thing with that restaurant show?

01:18:34.000 No.

01:18:35.000 What?

01:18:35.000 Oh, you gotta look at it.

01:18:37.000 What is it?

01:18:38.000 He went off on a heckler and then somebody, like, to where, I don't know, it got weird and some comic that was there wrote about it just saying how it was so fucking weird.

01:18:46.000 Oh, I did hear about that.

01:18:47.000 He was trying out some new material and someone was filming him.

01:18:50.000 Yeah.

01:18:50.000 Yeah, and he asked the lady to stop filming him because he didn't want it to get on the internet, which is, you know, valid, especially because he was doing a free show.

01:18:57.000 Yeah, but just the bashing afterwards.

01:19:00.000 He bashed people?

01:19:01.000 Yeah.

01:19:01.000 What did he say?

01:19:02.000 Just calling her fat and ugly.

01:19:03.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

01:19:05.000 Yeah.

01:19:05.000 Oh, wow.

01:19:06.000 I don't know.

01:19:06.000 So, you know, it got uncomfortable, which is fine.

01:19:08.000 How bad was it?

01:19:09.000 Did you see it?

01:19:10.000 No, my friend did.

01:19:11.000 He was there.

01:19:11.000 And he was like, yeah, it was super uncomfortable.

01:19:13.000 He just, you know, you've got, you've done it before where it's like, ah, I went too harsh on this girl.

01:19:17.000 You know?

01:19:17.000 We're not 100%.

01:19:18.000 We're guessing, like, where's the line right now?

01:19:20.000 Well, not only that, you could be angry and lose your composure a little.

01:19:24.000 Yeah, you could have no sleep, or your girlfriend could just say something that makes you fucking mad at women.

01:19:28.000 Or it could be just the seventh day in a row where you've been heckled.

01:19:31.000 Yeah.

01:19:32.000 And you can't get through your shit.

01:19:33.000 Who knows?

01:19:34.000 Was it just a woman holding up the camera, or was it someone heckling?

01:19:37.000 It was just one girl, and she just had her thing.

01:19:38.000 She said, sorry, I'll delete it.

01:19:39.000 And he's saying what she didn't see was her...

01:19:41.000 You have to look at it.

01:19:42.000 What she's saying, he responded to this comic.

01:19:47.000 girl uh-huh because but you didn't see us when i asked her shut it off her roller eyes and and mouth asshole to her friends well you know i i see his point of view but i see her but he was there and she goes yeah i saw her do that that was after he was ripping into her like after she said i'm so sorry i'll turn it off well who knows We're just commenting.

01:20:07.000 You have to be there.

01:20:08.000 I was talking about it last night.

01:20:10.000 Why are some people not able to just say, oh yeah, that wasn't the best?

01:20:15.000 Well, some people never want to be wrong.

01:20:16.000 Some people are really young, too.

01:20:18.000 It's okay.

01:20:19.000 Well, it could be.

01:20:20.000 Who knows?

01:20:21.000 Who knows?

01:20:21.000 We'd have to hear him talk about it.

01:20:24.000 He might say something completely different.

01:20:26.000 Yeah, we would have to actually see a video to fucking tell the truth, really.

01:20:29.000 To be able to decipher for ourselves.

01:20:31.000 Yeah.

01:20:31.000 Eh, I don't really kind of get into it.

01:20:33.000 You don't care?

01:20:34.000 No, don't care at all.

01:20:35.000 Did you see what happened with Stanhope?

01:20:37.000 What?

01:20:37.000 The kid stole his shit and was like literally verbatim putting Stanhope bits on his blog.

01:20:43.000 Really?

01:20:43.000 As if he's this fucking, you know.

01:20:44.000 Just staying in front of like a camera?

01:20:46.000 No, wrote it.

01:20:48.000 Written little articles in his blog entries.

01:20:51.000 What did Stanhope do?

01:20:51.000 Oh my god, Stanhope went after him with the power of Thor.

01:20:55.000 Stanhope went onto his Facebook page and posted in every photo on his Facebook page, you're a fraud, you know, like little jokes about him being a fraud.

01:21:06.000 Stanhope put it up on Twitter, so of course the swarms of human beings who went to this guy's website, and the guy had comments up on his website, and his comments were just Filled with people saying, you're ripping off Doug Stanhope, you fucking hack, you this, you that, and just torturing this poor guy.

01:21:23.000 And Stanhope did it for hours.

01:21:24.000 For hours, he just had people just fucking just going after this poor fuck.

01:21:30.000 And the guy apparently is a comic.

01:21:32.000 You know, he just tries to be Mr. Cool Guy.

01:21:36.000 He's a comic too?

01:21:38.000 Yeah, he tried to be Mr. Cool Guy and steal Doug Stanhope's material and pass it off as his own.

01:21:43.000 So he's just getting tortured?

01:21:44.000 Oh my god, he's done.

01:21:46.000 He had to pull his Facebook.

01:21:47.000 The next day, his Facebook and his blog were both down.

01:21:50.000 There's screenshots of it all, and there's a Facebook page all about it.

01:21:53.000 I forget the name of the Facebook page where it shows what Stan Hope wrote on each photo.

01:22:00.000 Yeah, Stanhope wrote some funny shit about his dad.

01:22:04.000 I wonder how sad his father would be if he knew his son was a fraud.

01:22:10.000 Stanhope just kept going after the guy.

01:22:12.000 But the guy is so retarded.

01:22:15.000 The way he did it was so dumb.

01:22:17.000 He just copied a famous comedian's work.

01:22:21.000 That's what you're going to do?

01:22:22.000 You want to come off as a guy who...

01:22:25.000 Really?

01:22:26.000 I mean, did you think that somehow or another no one would...

01:22:28.000 Yeah, I guess you thought it'd be okay.

01:22:29.000 It's okay because people were reading it instead of hearing it?

01:22:31.000 I used to play drugs all the time in college.

01:22:33.000 Did you just pass grades?

01:22:35.000 Yeah, just to pass.

01:22:35.000 I was like, I don't want to do this work.

01:22:37.000 I'll just copy someone else's work.

01:22:39.000 They can't do that anymore.

01:22:40.000 No.

01:22:40.000 Because if you have a file, there's programs now that they can run that file through and it'll recognize plagiarism.

01:22:47.000 But I wasn't trying to say, like, I didn't want any recognition for what I've done.

01:22:51.000 Right.

01:22:51.000 Yeah, of course.

01:22:52.000 You just wanted to get out of your situation.

01:22:55.000 You just forced into a bad spot.

01:22:57.000 There's software now to just...

01:22:59.000 Wow.

01:22:59.000 Yeah, the software, online software, where you can find duplicates of your work online.

01:23:04.000 That's cool.

01:23:04.000 I didn't know teachers had that.

01:23:06.000 Yeah, oh, you're fucked now.

01:23:07.000 My buddy John Wilber, my brother-in-law now, I guess, actually, my brother-in-law's brother, but he copied word for word out of CliffsNotes one day, and the teacher was like, you copied this from CliffsNotes?

01:23:16.000 The same exact paragraph.

01:23:18.000 There's not a word changed.

01:23:19.000 And he just stuck to his story.

01:23:21.000 He was like, nope.

01:23:22.000 Sure didn't.

01:23:23.000 No, I made that up.

01:23:24.000 Wow.

01:23:25.000 She goes, this entire paragraph, there's not a word changed.

01:23:29.000 Well, you know, if he's that confident, she can't hang.

01:23:35.000 What kind of a teacher is that?

01:23:37.000 It was one of the non-Jewers teachers we bust in.

01:23:39.000 Oh, one of the non-Jewish teachers, like they couldn't hang?

01:23:42.000 I think eventually she was like, ugh, fine, whatever.

01:23:44.000 Was it like they couldn't deal with the Jewish men?

01:23:47.000 What was it?

01:23:47.000 Probably like, look at this brat.

01:23:49.000 He refused to admit it.

01:23:50.000 Fine, I don't give a shit.

01:23:51.000 Then fucking copy for the rest of your life.

01:23:53.000 But the Jewish teachers would come down on you for shit like that?

01:23:56.000 Is that why you said non-Jewish?

01:23:57.000 Yeah.

01:23:58.000 Like the non-Jewish teachers were easier?

01:24:00.000 More than non-Jewish ones we just didn't respect.

01:24:02.000 Really?

01:24:02.000 Yeah, they just didn't have our...

01:24:03.000 How come?

01:24:04.000 We could run over them.

01:24:04.000 I don't know.

01:24:05.000 I was thinking about this lately.

01:24:06.000 There were some teachers, you all agreed...

01:24:12.000 Yeah.

01:24:15.000 with rabbit crack hour.

01:24:16.000 Yeah, what is that, man?

01:24:18.000 What is it that some kids just like certain teachers and everybody gets along great?

01:24:22.000 I don't know.

01:24:22.000 It might be like hidden, like nonverbal cues you're giving out or, you know, I have no idea.

01:24:27.000 There's weak teachers and there's strong teachers.

01:24:29.000 Yeah.

01:24:30.000 They all have the same curriculum to teach.

01:24:32.000 What?

01:24:32.000 That has got to be the biggest fucking problem with this country.

01:24:35.000 It's got to be the biggest problem is how kids go to school.

01:24:38.000 The education system.

01:24:40.000 Coming out of it with your fucking head together.

01:24:42.000 Trying to decipher all the nonsense.

01:24:46.000 Stupidity and fucking programming.

01:24:49.000 And the idea that no one ever gets pushed into our field.

01:24:54.000 No one ever says, you know what, Ari, you're always cracking jokes in class.

01:24:58.000 You're a funny guy.

01:24:59.000 You obviously need attention.

01:25:01.000 Have you thought about going to an open mic night?

01:25:03.000 No one's ever said that to you.

01:25:04.000 Have you thought about maybe being a stand-up comedian?

01:25:06.000 Yeah.

01:25:07.000 No, you have to get some job somewhere.

01:25:08.000 Yeah, you have to.

01:25:09.000 Get some job, stupid.

01:25:10.000 Even when you were doing it for a little while, they're still like, come on, how much longer?

01:25:12.000 The preparation for a shit existence.

01:25:15.000 That's the worst part about it, man.

01:25:17.000 The worst part about it is it kind of breaks your soul.

01:25:20.000 When you go through shit-boring classes in school, it breaks your soul for the idea that you're...

01:25:24.000 It prepares you for the idea that you're always going to have to do this.

01:25:27.000 I had a teacher.

01:25:27.000 He taught Modern American Lit.

01:25:30.000 And his deal was this.

01:25:32.000 He goes, you will never have to know anything about what Joseph Conrad wrote.

01:25:36.000 What you are learning here with the Bachelor of Arts is how to get reports done on time.

01:25:40.000 Whoa.

01:25:41.000 Because that's it.

01:25:42.000 That's all you're learning.

01:25:42.000 Jesus.

01:25:43.000 You're not going to have to apply any of this.

01:25:45.000 Fitzgerald, when is that going to come in your regular life?

01:25:47.000 Never.

01:25:48.000 But you're going to have to learn.

01:25:48.000 When I say 9 o'clock on Tuesday, I have it on my desk.

01:25:51.000 That's all they're preparing you for.

01:25:53.000 Wow.

01:25:53.000 I think he's right in a really large degree.

01:25:55.000 Yeah, he is right, for sure.

01:25:57.000 I mean, that is what ultimately it is.

01:25:59.000 That's what's getting measured, you know?

01:26:01.000 Yeah.

01:26:02.000 Yeah, you can't measure how much you're learning.

01:26:04.000 You measure how well you're doing on tests and how much effort you're putting into your paper.

01:26:09.000 Why are there measurements?

01:26:12.000 I think people are lazy as fuck.

01:26:14.000 We want to make sure you're doing your work.

01:26:15.000 Not only that, it's not just about educating people.

01:26:18.000 It's about educating people and preparing them for work.

01:26:21.000 Because that's really what it's all about.

01:26:23.000 There's a certain amount of discipline that you're just not going to have.

01:26:27.000 How would you be able to get a creative kid to nurture him from the start?

01:26:30.000 Fucking hard, man.

01:26:32.000 I mean, they know they have art, right?

01:26:34.000 We've boxed ourselves into a bad situation as a species, as a race, as a civilization, because we need a lot of people doing shit that sucks.

01:26:45.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:46.000 It's not like, as a child, you're groomed into a world of happiness and prosperity and fulfillment.

01:26:54.000 No, there's a maze and there's a fucking million pitfalls and a million jobs that you can get into that are not going to be satisfying to you.

01:27:01.000 You have to figure your way through those.

01:27:03.000 We need people.

01:27:04.000 We need someone.

01:27:05.000 We're machines.

01:27:07.000 You ever meet somebody and when you try to explain to them why they're wrong or misguided, you realize you're so stupid, I have to rethink how I'm going to express this to you?

01:27:14.000 Well, some people just don't have enough information in their head.

01:27:18.000 Their view of the world is very limited.

01:27:21.000 I've met very few stupid people.

01:27:23.000 I shouldn't say I've met very few.

01:27:25.000 I've met a lot.

01:27:25.000 Uninspired people.

01:27:26.000 But more people are uninspired than are stupid.

01:27:29.000 There's definitely stupid people, though.

01:27:30.000 It must be like explaining stuff to your kid.

01:27:32.000 No, because kids get things, man.

01:27:34.000 Kids get things pretty quick.

01:27:35.000 And they don't have any refusal to get anything.

01:27:36.000 No, kids get things and they bring it up the next day.

01:27:39.000 They have questions about it the next day.

01:27:40.000 They're pondering an idea.

01:27:42.000 The kid, it's not, yeah, they don't have any prior programming that you have to fuck with.

01:27:47.000 The real problem is a person who grew their whole life and their mind developed in some ridiculous way.

01:27:54.000 Yeah, and just stuck in that way.

01:27:56.000 You know, like you get some poor guy who's a fucking fundamentalist Christian, one of those crazy speaking in tongues guys.

01:28:01.000 You know, and at 40 years old, he's just starting to branch out on his own and escape his former.

01:28:06.000 I mean, what are the guys lost?

01:28:08.000 Yeah, what are his chances?

01:28:09.000 Good luck.

01:28:09.000 Being able to do it.

01:28:11.000 Good luck.

01:28:11.000 No way.

01:28:12.000 Yeah, but if you got that guy when he was a baby and brought him up in a reasonable household where people were logical and loving and kind of like gave him sort of a helpful boost, but let him know, hey man, this is a crazy world and nobody understands it.

01:28:26.000 Stick close to the people you love and enjoy yourself if you can.

01:28:30.000 Yeah.

01:28:31.000 This is what they say with autistic kids.

01:28:32.000 The earlier you get them, the more normalized you can make them.

01:28:34.000 Really?

01:28:34.000 Yeah.

01:28:35.000 But you've got to get them before they set in patterns.

01:28:37.000 There's something to do with autistic kids and whatever it is that's causing that.

01:28:43.000 There has to be.

01:28:44.000 I mean, it's a very unpopular opinion, but there has to be something to do with autistic kids and the next stage of human evolution.

01:28:51.000 What do you mean?

01:28:51.000 There has to be.

01:28:52.000 Because there's so many people that are savants, so many people that have autism or...

01:28:56.000 So that'll lead to a jump in development or something?

01:28:58.000 I think what they're experiencing, what these people are experiencing for whatever reason because of their disease, and not all of them can do this, but the few that can, there's so many of them.

01:29:10.000 There's so many super genius autistic kids...

01:29:12.000 I mean, there's a million videos.

01:29:14.000 You can look at them.

01:29:14.000 I'm exaggerating, obviously.

01:29:16.000 But there's a lot of videos.

01:29:16.000 You can go online.

01:29:18.000 There's the one kid that we talked about that can look out the window of a plane and draw the exact scene perfectly.

01:29:24.000 I mean, he can just memorize things.

01:29:26.000 There's people that can do very, very complex mathematics at a really young age.

01:29:30.000 There's a kid that's, he's got something, like Asperger's or something, and he's this incredible composer.

01:29:36.000 He's composed like five symphonies, and he's like 11 years old or something nuts like that.

01:29:40.000 There's this guy's ass burgers that hangs out at the store, and all he does is make it socially uncomfortable for everyone.

01:29:45.000 Well, maybe no one ever put a fucking pair of drumsticks in that kid's hand.

01:29:48.000 Maybe.

01:29:48.000 Maybe you get that motherfucker on a drumstick.

01:29:50.000 But when you see something that's hyperhuman, and it's also attached to a disease.

01:29:56.000 It's like when you develop webbing in Waterworld.

01:29:59.000 Right.

01:30:00.000 Between your toes and shits and moving forward.

01:30:03.000 Yeah.

01:30:03.000 I mean, I wonder what it is, but when you see people capable of incredible feats, and they also have this incredible emotional and psychological impairment, you know, this inability to communicate and connect with people, or whatever it is that they have, whatever.

01:30:19.000 You know, personal kink they have, but to also have this superpower.

01:30:23.000 It's amazing, man.

01:30:24.000 It's amazing when you watch those shows, like whenever they have an A&E show or something, when they feature a bunch of people who can do ridiculous shit.

01:30:31.000 There's some people that literally are another thing.

01:30:35.000 They have a little bit of the new thing in them.

01:30:39.000 And I wonder how many more of them we have now than just a hundred years ago.

01:30:43.000 You know, I wonder how many more people are born.

01:30:46.000 I mean, there's obviously like super geniuses always.

01:30:48.000 There's always been guys like Tesla, you know, and Stephen Hawking and dudes of that nature.

01:30:55.000 Yeah, it's crazy, isn't it?

01:30:56.000 Yeah.

01:30:57.000 Most people did so many years ago.

01:30:59.000 I mean, it fucked him up.

01:31:01.000 It's not like he came out feeling fine.

01:31:02.000 Yeah.

01:31:03.000 But, like, he's still alive.

01:31:05.000 He's alive and making computations with his fingers.

01:31:09.000 Why is he doing that?

01:31:10.000 I have no idea.

01:31:11.000 God, when I heard about Patrice not being able to talk before he went, it was like, oh, that's it.

01:31:16.000 That's who he is.

01:31:16.000 That's everything I know about him.

01:31:17.000 It revolves around his mouth.

01:31:19.000 Yeah, that's horrible.

01:31:21.000 This guy's figured out a way to do something.

01:31:23.000 Wow.

01:31:24.000 Keep it going.

01:31:24.000 To keep it going.

01:31:26.000 You ever seen his fingers move?

01:31:28.000 No.

01:31:28.000 He moves and he clicks on this thing and he can kind of move and chooses words from the screen.

01:31:33.000 It's really amazing.

01:31:34.000 It's amazing.

01:31:35.000 Have he invented all that junk for himself?

01:31:36.000 I don't know.

01:31:37.000 That's a good question.

01:31:38.000 I don't know.

01:31:38.000 I don't think so.

01:31:39.000 Oh.

01:31:40.000 I don't know.

01:31:40.000 Still amazing.

01:31:41.000 Yeah.

01:31:44.000 I wonder what keeps a dude like that moving on because there has to be some form of enjoyment for him as well.

01:31:51.000 He must be enjoying his science career.

01:31:56.000 One of your clear biological imperatives is to continue life.

01:32:01.000 So he has to have some reason to do that.

01:32:05.000 Stay alive.

01:32:06.000 He must get fulfillment out of it.

01:32:08.000 Finding out new shit or writing a book.

01:32:10.000 Just like anybody.

01:32:12.000 What a strange situation, man, to be trapped in your body like that and doing computations with your fingers on this thing.

01:32:18.000 Click, click, click.

01:32:19.000 Click, click, click, click, click.

01:32:21.000 Whose phone is next to the computer?

01:32:23.000 Because the thing keeps going.

01:32:25.000 Is that your phone, Brian?

01:32:26.000 Mine's way over here.

01:32:27.000 Yeah, next to your computer, right?

01:32:29.000 Yeah.

01:32:29.000 It's not the computer, though.

01:32:30.000 It has nothing to do with the sound.

01:32:31.000 You sure?

01:32:32.000 Yeah.

01:32:32.000 Well, doesn't sound come through that computer?

01:32:34.000 Yeah, but it's completely muted.

01:32:36.000 It's completely muted.

01:32:38.000 I don't think it has to do with the mute.

01:32:39.000 I think it's the electricity.

01:32:40.000 Oh yeah, the electricity.

01:32:41.000 It does that in radio sometimes.

01:32:43.000 Yeah, it's not the matter of the computer being muted.

01:32:45.000 It is because you have the phone next to the computer.

01:32:47.000 It's like picking up a signal.

01:32:48.000 Yeah, it's not a mute thing.

01:32:50.000 It's not like it's coming through like a sound.

01:32:53.000 I say that when you're shooting sometimes.

01:32:54.000 They're like, turn your phones off.

01:32:55.000 Not on mute, off.

01:32:56.000 We're getting feedback.

01:32:57.000 Yeah, it goes...

01:32:58.000 It'll do it in your car sometimes, too.

01:33:01.000 If you leave it right near your stereo, if you have a hole underneath your stereo for where your CDs go or something, leave it there.

01:33:06.000 It's real close.

01:33:07.000 It'll find through.

01:33:08.000 How fucked is that, man?

01:33:09.000 How fucked is this some signal that's having a war inside your car?

01:33:13.000 They're battling for dominance.

01:33:15.000 And meanwhile, these are all bouncing around inside you.

01:33:17.000 That's the reason they tell you to turn your phones off on the plane.

01:33:19.000 Is that it?

01:33:20.000 I think so.

01:33:20.000 And if everyone's doing that, it could really come through.

01:33:22.000 Makes sense.

01:33:24.000 Phones make sense.

01:33:25.000 Or what doesn't make sense?

01:33:27.000 Like iPods.

01:33:28.000 That doesn't make sense.

01:33:29.000 That seems silly.

01:33:30.000 But you know what?

01:33:31.000 Whatever.

01:33:32.000 I think it's an exercise in getting people to pay attention to rules.

01:33:35.000 It's just like moving your seat back forward.

01:33:36.000 A lot of people think that.

01:33:37.000 It's just to get you ready for the...

01:33:38.000 Otherwise, how do three older women control an entire plane full of people?

01:33:44.000 It's like, listen, I want to fall asleep now.

01:33:46.000 I don't want to turn it back on.

01:33:47.000 I'm going to listen to music the whole time.

01:33:49.000 Can I just fall asleep with it in?

01:33:51.000 Can't.

01:33:52.000 You're going to kill us all.

01:33:54.000 I got caught once.

01:33:55.000 Wasn't it that easy to kill people if all you had to do was keep an iPod on and the plane would fall out of the fucking sky?

01:34:00.000 It's one of the Holtzman's old jokes.

01:34:01.000 That's what happened to the space shuttle.

01:34:03.000 Oh, is that what you see?

01:34:05.000 Some Jewish couple in the back had the tray table down for the kosher meal and now you can't take off with the kosher meal tray down.

01:34:15.000 It's a weird thing that you could actually even tell people that if you had your phone on it could be in danger.

01:34:21.000 What?

01:34:22.000 Fix that!

01:34:23.000 Yeah, get it done.

01:34:24.000 You know those A380s?

01:34:26.000 There was an article today.

01:34:27.000 I think I retweeted it.

01:34:28.000 Those A380s are showing cracks on the wings.

01:34:32.000 Really?

01:34:33.000 Yeah.

01:34:33.000 Those ones were built how long ago?

01:34:34.000 Yeah, I'll tell you right now.

01:34:36.000 Well, apparently one of them was a Qantas jet and two other ones.

01:34:41.000 I was on a Qantas jet once.

01:34:42.000 Were you?

01:34:42.000 Yeah, with you.

01:34:43.000 Oh, that's right.

01:34:44.000 Yeah, we were.

01:34:44.000 Yeah, world's biggest super jumbo jets must be grounded, say engineers, after cracks are found in the wings of three Airbus A380s.

01:34:51.000 Cracks are some of the worst things you can find in the wings.

01:34:53.000 Yeah, I would say.

01:34:55.000 Two Singapore Air super jumbos and one Qantas.

01:34:57.000 Both airlines admit the cracks but say the planes are safe.

01:35:00.000 What?

01:35:02.000 This is our quote.

01:35:03.000 Bro, relax.

01:35:04.000 Are you out of your mind?

01:35:06.000 This is amazing.

01:35:07.000 Those are huge fucking planes.

01:35:09.000 When Ari and I flew in it, it's like flying in a giant apartment building.

01:35:13.000 That's weird.

01:35:14.000 We sat in the front and there was a second floor.

01:35:17.000 We could go upstairs to the bar.

01:35:20.000 So there's actually a bar that you can sit at?

01:35:22.000 Yeah, there was a bar.

01:35:23.000 There was a bar.

01:35:24.000 That's cool.

01:35:24.000 Yeah, there was a bar and they had magazines out and shit and they would just serve you food or drink, whatever you wanted the entire time you were there.

01:35:31.000 It was ridiculous.

01:35:33.000 The thing that you get in first class is like an apartment.

01:35:37.000 It's huge.

01:35:38.000 It's enormous.

01:35:39.000 It spins.

01:35:40.000 Your seat spins.

01:35:40.000 Like, it goes straight if you want to lie down, or you turn it sideways and it can be like a lazy boy, and then you have this big-ass flat-screen TV in front of you.

01:35:48.000 I mean, it's ridiculous.

01:35:50.000 And the food is really fucking good.

01:35:53.000 It's like, most airline food sucks, but like...

01:35:56.000 Like, Qantas, first class, fucking good meals, man.

01:36:00.000 It's yummy food, and you're 30,000 feet above the ocean, hurling through the sky in a metal tube.

01:36:05.000 It ain't like Southwest, though.

01:36:07.000 The tasting menu, the eight-course tasting menu.

01:36:08.000 Yeah.

01:36:09.000 That's what they had.

01:36:09.000 It was so delicious.

01:36:10.000 Fucking great, man.

01:36:11.000 You get pajamas.

01:36:12.000 Yeah, you get pajamas and toothpaste and shit.

01:36:15.000 I jerked off on the plane.

01:36:16.000 Did you really?

01:36:17.000 Yeah.

01:36:17.000 Here's what you gotta do, because the pot is not completely enclosed.

01:36:20.000 So if any rich people are listening...

01:36:22.000 You don't turn your body away from the opening.

01:36:27.000 You have to turn towards it because you're always worried like somebody might be coming up.

01:36:31.000 So you turn so you can see him come through the netting.

01:36:33.000 Right, because they could see you down there beating off if you were beaten off to the right.

01:36:36.000 Yeah, but I put my head by where my dick would be, and I looked at the lady behind me, like, who could get an angle at it?

01:36:42.000 She was asleep.

01:36:43.000 Right.

01:36:43.000 So I was like, okay.

01:36:44.000 How much time do you think you took?

01:36:46.000 Probably, it was probably a little longer.

01:36:48.000 Probably like two full minutes.

01:36:50.000 Two full minutes?

01:36:50.000 Yeah.

01:36:51.000 Were you furious, or were you just gentle?

01:36:52.000 No, no, that's why.

01:36:53.000 Yeah, real gentle, but...

01:36:56.000 Base up on the left hand and jerk it with the right.

01:36:59.000 That's what you were doing?

01:37:00.000 Yeah, because I was on the right side of the plane.

01:37:01.000 That's probably good for your core as well.

01:37:03.000 Support yourself in that way?

01:37:05.000 Well, just so you don't fall over.

01:37:06.000 And then would you shoot it into your pajama tops?

01:37:08.000 No.

01:37:09.000 I shot it into the slipper socks they give you?

01:37:12.000 Yeah.

01:37:13.000 I turned one of those inside out and shot it into it.

01:37:16.000 And then I was forced like a peasant to use my regular socks.

01:37:20.000 I was on a plane once with Melanie Griffith.

01:37:23.000 We were flying to England.

01:37:24.000 She was sitting right in front of me.

01:37:25.000 And there was a dude who was right beside her.

01:37:28.000 And you know how when planes in the first class cabins, their seats don't line up.

01:37:33.000 Like everyone's not head to toe.

01:37:35.000 They're kind of staggered because they're these big ass pods.

01:37:38.000 Well, the way it was staggered was Melanie Griffith's head lined up directly with this fat guy's ass.

01:37:46.000 It was right across the aisle, no more than a couple feet away, her head directly lined up with his ass.

01:37:52.000 And he unloaded.

01:37:54.000 This dude unloaded in the middle of the flight in one of the most horrific Tate-like farts.

01:38:00.000 Our friend Tate Fletcher is known for having the most ferocious farts because Tate's a big giant dude and he takes a lot of protein powder.

01:38:06.000 And when you eat a lot of protein, like your body...

01:38:09.000 Get rid of it.

01:38:10.000 Get rid of a lot of that.

01:38:11.000 He's not going to process that extra shit well and it turns into farts.

01:38:14.000 And this dude just, I mean, I don't know what he ate, but he was a big guy.

01:38:18.000 And by the way, I don't even know if it was his fart because it's not like I have a fucking locator.

01:38:23.000 But if you're on a plane and there's a fart and you see a fat guy, that guy gets blamed.

01:38:28.000 He gets blamed.

01:38:30.000 And his ass is lying.

01:38:30.000 Yeah, it's more than like black kids get blamed for stolen things.

01:38:34.000 Fat people get blamed for farts on planes, always.

01:38:37.000 Like, that's like the first person you look to.

01:38:39.000 Like, fuck yeah, it was him.

01:38:40.000 And the way it lined up was just his ass was just right across from her face.

01:38:44.000 It was horrific, man.

01:38:46.000 I mean, it was a nightmare fart.

01:38:49.000 And, I mean, what are the odds in life that you would ever have your face or Melanie Griffith's face that close to your ass that you could unload on her face like that?

01:38:58.000 You know?

01:38:58.000 I think I should fart on her face.

01:39:00.000 I talked about it on stage that night in England, you know, because it was so ridiculous, because it was just such a preposterous lineup.

01:39:08.000 I can never turn it into a bit, but it was really hilarious at the time.

01:39:12.000 I couldn't imagine...

01:39:14.000 And I was thinking, what if this guy had planned this out?

01:39:17.000 What if he came to Melanie Griffith's agent and he said, listen, I'd be willing to pay a million dollars to fart in Mrs. Griffith's face.

01:39:23.000 I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind.

01:39:25.000 We can't bring that offer to her.

01:39:27.000 Just bring it to her, man.

01:39:28.000 Let her decide.

01:39:29.000 And the agent said, listen, I think we can work something out.

01:39:32.000 I've been looking at how these planes line up.

01:39:34.000 And this is what I want to show you.

01:39:35.000 Look at this.

01:39:36.000 Here's your seat.

01:39:37.000 Here's Melanie Griffith's seat.

01:39:38.000 Look who your ass would be.

01:39:40.000 We got it.

01:39:40.000 I think we got it.

01:39:41.000 I think we got it.

01:39:42.000 And Melanie doesn't even have to know.

01:39:43.000 Isn't that a little unethical, keeping the money from Melanie?

01:39:46.000 I mean, that's part of my thrill.

01:39:47.000 Well, you know, I'll just slip it into her bank account.

01:39:49.000 Melanie doesn't have to know.

01:39:51.000 Just a little extra money in her bank account.

01:39:53.000 This guy just opened his ass on Melanie's head.

01:39:58.000 It was just hot.

01:39:59.000 It was a hot fart, for sure.

01:40:01.000 There was some heat to it.

01:40:03.000 That was one where you might not have known how bad it was before you let it go, but once you let it go, you realized how atrocious...

01:40:10.000 What a terrible person you are.

01:40:12.000 How you should be despised.

01:40:14.000 Think about all the shit particles from your ass that people have been forced to acknowledge in their nostrils.

01:40:21.000 Word?

01:40:21.000 Word.

01:40:22.000 Are we at one of those crazy pods in Brazil?

01:40:24.000 I don't know.

01:40:25.000 I don't know what it's going to be like.

01:40:27.000 Ari's going to Brazil with me.

01:40:28.000 We're going to party.

01:40:28.000 We're going to party in Rio.

01:40:32.000 Apparently it's the nuttiest crowd for MMA ever.

01:40:34.000 Like, you've never seen a more enthusiastic crowd.

01:40:35.000 Really?

01:40:35.000 And they're all Brazilian on the card?

01:40:37.000 A lot of Brazilians on the card.

01:40:38.000 And, uh, good ones.

01:40:40.000 Husamar Paul Hares is fighting.

01:40:41.000 That's a fucking great fight, man.

01:40:43.000 That's gonna be interesting.

01:40:44.000 I think it must go nuts for it.

01:40:46.000 Aldo fighting Chad Mendes, man.

01:40:47.000 I wouldn't want to be Chad Mendes in Brazil.

01:40:49.000 Jesus Christ.

01:40:50.000 Aldo.

01:40:51.000 Aldo and Anderson.

01:40:53.000 They're like heroes.

01:40:54.000 They're heroes.

01:40:55.000 Well, they're two of three.

01:40:56.000 I mean, it's really, there's no country like Brazil, man, where there's three UFC champions.

01:41:01.000 I mean, there's only, how many weight classes now?

01:41:03.000 There's 35, 45, 55, 70, 85, 205, and heavyweight.

01:41:09.000 So there's seven weight classes, and three of them are dominated by Brazilians.

01:41:13.000 Wow.

01:41:13.000 That's amazing.

01:41:14.000 They don't have that in Americans.

01:41:16.000 What's that?

01:41:17.000 They don't have as many Americans.

01:41:18.000 No, George St. Pierre is 170, but then Mick Diaz and Carlos Condit, two Americans, are going to be fighting for the interim belt.

01:41:26.000 So that's going to be...

01:41:28.000 Why?

01:41:28.000 Oh, interim belt.

01:41:30.000 Well, it means a lot because George is out for a long time.

01:41:32.000 He's knees blown.

01:41:34.000 He had to get surgery.

01:41:35.000 He had to get a patella tendon graft.

01:41:38.000 It's a big surgery.

01:41:39.000 The patella tendon graft is a really difficult one.

01:41:41.000 The way they do that, it's a long road to recovery.

01:41:44.000 They take a chunk of bone out of your kneecap and a chunk of bone out of your shin and they slice the patella tendon.

01:41:51.000 They take a piece of it off.

01:41:53.000 And they use that piece to recreate the ACL, the anterior cruciate ligament that's inside the middle of the knee, the stabilizing ligament.

01:42:00.000 So then they have to screw that in place.

01:42:02.000 They have to drill holes, and then they have to take the little piece of bone they took from your kneecap and stuff it into your bone, stuff it into your humerus.

01:42:10.000 Is that what it is?

01:42:11.000 What's the thigh?

01:42:12.000 Femur?

01:42:13.000 Femur.

01:42:13.000 Stuff it into your femur.

01:42:14.000 And then they stuff it into the lower one, too, whatever your shin bone is.

01:42:17.000 Yeah, it's gnarly shit.

01:42:18.000 So he's out for a long time.

01:42:20.000 Yeah, you were jacked.

01:42:22.000 Well, that is actually a technique that they've been using for a long time.

01:42:25.000 The patella tendon graft.

01:42:27.000 More than 20 years.

01:42:29.000 Because I had a patella tendon graft done in the 90s.

01:42:32.000 I had it done, I believe it was in 93. I had it done.

01:42:36.000 But now they more likely use a graft from a dead person.

01:42:42.000 I have in my right knee a cadaver graft.

01:42:45.000 Really?

01:42:46.000 Yeah, they use the Achilles tendon.

01:42:48.000 Sean Rouse is getting two new knees.

01:42:49.000 Is he really?

01:42:50.000 Two new plastic knees.

01:42:51.000 Artificial knees.

01:42:51.000 He has no cartilage in his knees.

01:42:53.000 Neither one of his knees.

01:42:54.000 Zero.

01:42:55.000 Our friend Sean Rouse has a crazy form of arthritis.

01:42:58.000 It's like super aggressive arthritis.

01:43:00.000 He's so happy now.

01:43:02.000 I'm sure he's going to be able to walk around.

01:43:03.000 Avi Lieberman got him bumped up.

01:43:05.000 Yeah?

01:43:05.000 Yeah.

01:43:06.000 Avi Lieberman hooked him up?

01:43:06.000 I was like, I know a guy who works at whatever.

01:43:09.000 So what are they going to...

01:43:09.000 You know how they do that, man?

01:43:10.000 They have to cut your knee off.

01:43:12.000 Yeah, he's got pretty much nothing anymore.

01:43:13.000 You ever see how they do hip replacements?

01:43:15.000 No.

01:43:15.000 It's gnarly, dude.

01:43:17.000 They take the socket out, they cut it off, they saw it off, and they put a new socket in there and drive it into your fucking bone.

01:43:24.000 They screw this bolt into your bone, and now you have this new ball and socket set up in your hip.

01:43:30.000 It's probably a hundred times better than the original.

01:43:33.000 I want to get everything replaced.

01:43:35.000 Sort of, no, because it's also an alien piece.

01:43:38.000 Sean said the only problem is it will start to dissolve after about 15 years, which is totally fine for him.

01:43:44.000 But he goes, dissolve to where?

01:43:45.000 Just into my body?

01:43:46.000 Whoa, after 15 years?

01:43:48.000 Yeah.

01:43:49.000 And so then they go back and replace it?

01:43:50.000 Yeah.

01:43:50.000 15 years from now, they'll probably have amazing ones.

01:43:52.000 Maybe, probably, yeah.

01:43:53.000 Yeah, they'll probably have one that's better than the human knee.

01:43:56.000 Hologram knee.

01:43:56.000 I mean, you would think with lightweight materials and if they could figure out something that's biocompatible.

01:44:03.000 Someone's going to start having those surgeries just because, like, I don't need it, but fuck it.

01:44:06.000 Well, have you seen that dude who, he's got no legs?

01:44:09.000 He lost his legs and he's competing in races with these artificial legs.

01:44:14.000 He lost his legs below the knee.

01:44:15.000 Oh.

01:44:16.000 And so they put these...

01:44:17.000 Oh, yeah, he's got, like, these spring things?

01:44:18.000 Yeah, these crazy fucking things.

01:44:20.000 I wouldn't want to race against that guy.

01:44:21.000 And it actually is like kicking ass with these things, man.

01:44:25.000 He could run fast.

01:44:26.000 And some people are actually saying, like, this is an unfair advantage.

01:44:29.000 Like, what?

01:44:30.000 You can't say that, man.

01:44:31.000 A dude gets his legs cut off.

01:44:33.000 He's got springs on his legs.

01:44:36.000 I know, but still.

01:44:37.000 You've got to deal with that shit.

01:44:39.000 Unless he's breaking world records, you've got to deal with that shit.

01:44:43.000 As long as it gets close, it's okay?

01:44:44.000 Yeah, unless he's breaking...

01:44:45.000 What if he shatters world records?

01:44:46.000 That would be incredible.

01:44:48.000 Can you imagine if guys started getting their legs cut off so that they could run as fast as him?

01:44:52.000 And getting these artificial feet screwed on?

01:44:54.000 Somebody would make these skates, and what they would do is, in those speed skates, they would come slightly apart from the skate as you were stepping up.

01:45:02.000 So they would give you an extra split second of ice time.

01:45:05.000 If it's touching the ice, the blade would get slowly removed from your shoe.

01:45:08.000 Wow.

01:45:08.000 So it would stay in the ice a little longer.

01:45:10.000 And all those...

01:45:10.000 I think it was Swiss...

01:45:12.000 I don't know.

01:45:13.000 They were all fucking shattering records.

01:45:14.000 Jesus Christ.

01:45:15.000 Just from doing that.

01:45:16.000 Yeah.

01:45:17.000 Isn't that amazing?

01:45:18.000 Yeah.

01:45:18.000 It's clever little monkeys.

01:45:20.000 Yeah.

01:45:20.000 Clever little monkeys.

01:45:21.000 Figure that out.

01:45:22.000 Remember this last past Olympics where the dude died on the bombshell?

01:45:26.000 Oh, yeah.

01:45:27.000 Oh, yeah.

01:45:27.000 I forgot about that.

01:45:28.000 Oh, that was gnarly, man.

01:45:30.000 That's why I'm a huge proponent of everyone should have to wear helmet cams.

01:45:34.000 Yeah.

01:45:34.000 So you can see what that rider would be like.

01:45:36.000 We need to know that that's possible.

01:45:39.000 Yeah.

01:45:39.000 We need to know that that's possible.

01:45:41.000 You know?

01:45:42.000 That's not something you should keep from people.

01:45:44.000 People that are considering being a bobsled person...

01:45:47.000 You could die from this.

01:45:49.000 Everyone was saying how it was way too fast.

01:45:51.000 It was running way too fast.

01:45:53.000 Well, look at what they're doing, man.

01:45:56.000 God, they're going so fast.

01:45:57.000 They're flying in those fucking things.

01:45:59.000 And I guess somehow or another you're steering with your weight, correct?

01:46:03.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:46:04.000 I mean, you must be doing something.

01:46:06.000 Right?

01:46:07.000 Is that what it is?

01:46:08.000 Yeah, I think it's leading.

01:46:10.000 God damn.

01:46:11.000 There was a dude who was a fighter.

01:46:12.000 Todd Hayes.

01:46:13.000 He fought in Valley Tudo in Japan.

01:46:17.000 He was supposed to fight Hicks and Gracie, but he blew his shoulder out in the fight before that he won.

01:46:21.000 And he quit fighting to become a bobsled guy.

01:46:25.000 Really?

01:46:26.000 Yeah, that was his...

01:46:27.000 Cursha Walker did bobsledding for a while.

01:46:28.000 Did he?

01:46:28.000 Totally makes sense.

01:46:29.000 Yeah, I think he won gold.

01:46:30.000 Jesus Christ.

01:46:30.000 Then they started rethinking it.

01:46:32.000 They were like, oh, we don't need bobsledders.

01:46:33.000 We need fucking track people.

01:46:35.000 We need people that are fucking fast and strong to push the bases.

01:46:37.000 Cursha Walker made them win the gold?

01:46:39.000 Are you sure about that?

01:46:39.000 I think so.

01:46:39.000 I think he won something.

01:46:40.000 Probably not the gold.

01:46:41.000 That sounds ridiculous.

01:46:42.000 Cursha Walker is a bad motherfucker, dude.

01:46:44.000 He made the Cowboys.

01:46:45.000 He's like 47 or 48 years old now, and he's still fighting MMA. That's amazing.

01:46:50.000 He fought in Strikeforce twice, at least twice in one.

01:46:53.000 Dude, he's fucking shredded!

01:46:56.000 He's ridiculously shredded.

01:46:58.000 Really?

01:46:58.000 Oh my god.

01:46:59.000 He's 48 years old, and...

01:47:01.000 He apparently has like superhuman discipline.

01:47:04.000 Yeah, he was always the way he worked out.

01:47:05.000 He never lifted weights.

01:47:06.000 Well, he says that, but then other dudes say that he has lifted weights.

01:47:09.000 I think he started after that.

01:47:10.000 Well, no, he also has multiple personality disorder.

01:47:13.000 Oh, yeah.

01:47:13.000 So he could be saying that he's not lifting weights and he's telling the truth because he's not lifting weights.

01:47:19.000 But Clyde is.

01:47:20.000 Wow.

01:47:20.000 And Clyde's the one that has the past 24-hour fitness.

01:47:23.000 Gosh.

01:47:24.000 He's like, no, I haven't really looked at all day.

01:47:26.000 I think, I'm pretty sure, I don't want to talk out of school, but I'm pretty sure I read on his website that he has trauma-related multiple personality disorder.

01:47:35.000 From football?

01:47:36.000 Yeah.

01:47:37.000 And I read that, and I was like, wow, well, why is this guy fighting in MMA then?

01:47:42.000 You know, that seems crazy, that he would go from that to fighting in MMA, but...

01:47:46.000 The fights that he's had, dude, he's just mauled people.

01:47:48.000 He's such a fucking super athlete.

01:47:51.000 If Herschel Walker was around, if MMA was around when Herschel Walker was young, if he had decided to do that, every now and then there's dudes that can just throw people around.

01:48:03.000 He was so dominant for a little while that the Vikings pretty much traded their whole team for him.

01:48:07.000 It was like everybody they had good and draft picks for the next five years.

01:48:10.000 Wow.

01:48:10.000 I feel like we want them that bad.

01:48:12.000 Well, that's a super athlete, man.

01:48:14.000 It made the Cowboys for so long.

01:48:15.000 Yeah.

01:48:16.000 Did you hear Mayweather wants to fight Pac-Man now?

01:48:19.000 Yeah, because he's going to jail.

01:48:20.000 Oh, is that why?

01:48:21.000 Yeah, the judge will let him postpone his jail time until June.

01:48:25.000 So if he can get Pacquiao to fight him in May, he'll make a shitload of money and then go to jail for 90 days.

01:48:31.000 So since the judge has allowed him to postpone it, he's like, alright, fuck it, let's go.

01:48:34.000 Let's start the day after a fight.

01:48:35.000 So it's going to be a lame fight problem.

01:48:37.000 No, it will not be a lame fight.

01:48:38.000 Pacquiao is a killer.

01:48:41.000 But I think that a lot of people feel that Pacquiao was exposed a little bit by Marquez.

01:48:46.000 The Juan Manuel Marquez fight.

01:48:48.000 that they've had three fights now and that Marquez felt like he won two of those.

01:48:53.000 And it was not nearly the dominant victory that Pacquiao had hoped for.

01:48:58.000 So a lot of people, I think, are thinking that if Floyd Mayweather was scared of him before, now he's like relaxed.

01:49:03.000 Now he saw the way Marquez dealt him.

01:49:05.000 Now he's like, oh, maybe there's a shot.

01:49:06.000 Yeah, because he boxed the shit out of Marquez.

01:49:08.000 When they fought, Floyd didn't even take any damage.

01:49:11.000 Floyd Mayweather is just technically and strategically on another level.

01:49:16.000 The thing about Pacquiao is Pacquiao is a beast.

01:49:20.000 He's got crazy power in his hands, ridiculous speed, and he can catch anybody.

01:49:24.000 And if he tees off on Floyd and he gets a good rhythm and starts coming at him with those wild combinations, anything can happen.

01:49:31.000 But Floyd doesn't feel like he can do that.

01:49:32.000 Floyd thinks he can stop him now.

01:49:34.000 Who's the money on?

01:49:35.000 I don't know.

01:49:36.000 If I had a gamble, it's hard to bet against Pacquiao because Pacquiao's been fighting big guys too.

01:49:44.000 When he fought Margarito, he beat the shit out of Margarito.

01:49:50.000 Margarito was way bigger than him.

01:49:51.000 Margarito's a dangerous guy.

01:49:53.000 He fucked Margarito up.

01:49:55.000 I mean, he broke his eye socket.

01:49:57.000 He broke his orbital.

01:49:58.000 He has an artificial lens in his eye now.

01:50:01.000 Margarito does because of that fight.

01:50:03.000 Yeah, and Pacquiao was 15, 16 pounds lighter than him easily.

01:50:06.000 Maybe even more.

01:50:07.000 It might have been 18 pounds during fight time.

01:50:10.000 Because they weigh him on HBO. They weigh him the day of the fight, too.

01:50:13.000 And they see how much a guy's rehydrated.

01:50:14.000 And they show you that statistic, which I think is brilliant.

01:50:17.000 The UFC should probably incorporate something like that, too.

01:50:19.000 But I don't think they want to admit how much some guys are cutting.

01:50:23.000 Guys like Anthony Johnson.

01:50:24.000 Yeah, they caught a shit ton?

01:50:25.000 Anthony Johnson's fighting Vitor Belfort this weekend in Brazil.

01:50:30.000 That's going to be fucking crazy.

01:50:32.000 And he's fighting at 185 for the first time too, which for Anthony is the right move.

01:50:36.000 If you've never seen Anthony Johnson before, he's another specimen.

01:50:40.000 Specimen.

01:50:40.000 Dude's a specimen.

01:50:42.000 And he's a big 170, like the biggest possible.

01:50:45.000 And I would see him walking around in between fights, and he was well over 200 pounds.

01:50:49.000 He was enormous.

01:50:50.000 He looked like a heavyweight.

01:50:51.000 And then he would drop.

01:50:53.000 He said at one point in time he cut 60 pounds to make 170. A long time.

01:50:57.000 I mean, I'm sure he did it over a long camp.

01:51:00.000 But, you know, starved himself.

01:51:01.000 60 pounds?

01:51:02.000 60. He was up to like 230. It's a success story.

01:51:04.000 I know.

01:51:04.000 Exactly.

01:51:05.000 Meanwhile, with him, it was mostly muscle.

01:51:07.000 He was mostly making his body eat itself, dehydrating and eat itself.

01:51:11.000 He's losing a little bit of fat, but he's not a fat guy.

01:51:13.000 He doesn't get fat.

01:51:14.000 He's just an athlete.

01:51:15.000 It's fucking brutal, man.

01:51:17.000 There's a point of diminishing returns.

01:51:18.000 You should make the reins right before the fight.

01:51:20.000 You can't do that because of brain damage.

01:51:23.000 That's when people are most susceptible to brain damage.

01:51:26.000 But then you won't cut.

01:51:27.000 They would.

01:51:28.000 They would cut anyway.

01:51:29.000 Yeah, they cut anyway.

01:51:30.000 They always do.

01:51:31.000 They used to have weight.

01:51:32.000 They used to have it in boxing.

01:51:33.000 They used to have the day of.

01:51:35.000 But more people die of brain injuries because of dehydration.

01:51:39.000 How about have it after the fight?

01:51:41.000 I don't think in the old days the boxing...

01:51:42.000 It's too late.

01:51:43.000 Yeah, it doesn't matter.

01:51:44.000 It's ridiculous.

01:51:44.000 You lose a lot of weight during a fight.

01:51:46.000 I don't think a lot of people were hip to IVs back in the day either.

01:51:50.000 So when they would lose weight...

01:51:52.000 When they would lose weight.

01:51:53.000 No, no.

01:51:53.000 IBs to replenish.

01:51:55.000 To put your liquids back in.

01:51:57.000 That's the best way to do it.

01:51:57.000 All those guys look so weak when they're at the weigh-ins.

01:52:00.000 They look like death.

01:52:01.000 I've seen guys look terrified.

01:52:02.000 Their breath stink.

01:52:03.000 Yeah.

01:52:03.000 Oh, yeah.

01:52:04.000 Breath is horrible.

01:52:05.000 Ugh.

01:52:05.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:52:06.000 Well, stomach acid coming out.

01:52:07.000 Yeah.

01:52:08.000 I mean, they don't eat for a long time before they get up there.

01:52:11.000 A lot of the guys.

01:52:12.000 Except the heavyweights.

01:52:13.000 Heavyweights.

01:52:14.000 They don't care.

01:52:14.000 I love them.

01:52:15.000 They weigh in on their jeans.

01:52:16.000 Yeah.

01:52:17.000 Fuck it.

01:52:17.000 It's about the same.

01:52:18.000 But there's a few guys that have had to cut weight at heavyweight.

01:52:20.000 Tim Sylvia had to cut weight once.

01:52:22.000 He weighed in over.

01:52:23.000 I remember that.

01:52:23.000 He was over 265. Brock's always made the weight.

01:52:27.000 He cuts to that, right?

01:52:28.000 Yeah, he cuts to that.

01:52:29.000 Yeah, if he wanted to, he could get to about 300 pounds if he wanted to, I'm sure.

01:52:32.000 If he started packing on the creatine and doing power lifting and shit like that and just eating all day.

01:52:37.000 But I don't think he can eat all day now because of that stomach thing.

01:52:40.000 I think his diet has got to be very different.

01:52:42.000 Time catches everyone.

01:52:44.000 That's not just time, dude.

01:52:45.000 He had diverticulitis.

01:52:46.000 You could die from that shit, man.

01:52:48.000 People die.

01:52:49.000 That's amazing.

01:52:49.000 I never even heard of that before he got it.

01:52:51.000 I never heard of it.

01:52:52.000 They should rename it Brock Lesnar's disease.

01:52:54.000 Same way they did with Lou Gehrig.

01:52:55.000 Out of all the times that you and I have been to Fogo de Chão, all of those Brazilian steakhouses, who would have ever thought that someone could die from eating too much meat?

01:53:03.000 Would you have ever thought of that?

01:53:05.000 We've been going to those places for a decade.

01:53:07.000 Are you going to go to the one in Brazil?

01:53:08.000 Fuck yeah!

01:53:09.000 You know, the ones in Brazil are even better because they serve like chicken hearts and stuff that people in America are kind of scared of.

01:53:16.000 That shit's delicious, dude.

01:53:17.000 When we went to one in Sao Paulo, it was one of the best ones I've ever been to ever.

01:53:21.000 And they just kept giving us these chicken hearts.

01:53:23.000 I was like, dude, keep coming with them chicken hearts.

01:53:26.000 It's like salted.

01:53:27.000 They know how to cook, dude.

01:53:29.000 It's just a wild culture, man.

01:53:31.000 It's a beautiful culture.

01:53:32.000 The culture of Brazil is so fun.

01:53:34.000 You know, meat and fighting, and the girls are beautiful, and they're living on the beach.

01:53:39.000 I mean, it's like...

01:53:40.000 And everybody's playing jiu-jitsu.

01:53:43.000 I mean, it's like, wow, what a crazy culture, man.

01:53:45.000 And soccer and everything, you know?

01:53:47.000 And their economy has changed in a big way over the last few years.

01:53:52.000 Apparently, they found oil off the shore, and their economy's booming.

01:53:55.000 Yeah.

01:53:55.000 You know they're one of the leaders of the world in AIDS research and education?

01:54:02.000 Really?

01:54:03.000 Yeah.

01:54:03.000 There's a lot of places in Rio also I've heard where people go to get good but cheap plastic surgery.

01:54:10.000 I can see that.

01:54:10.000 Yeah, like girls in Hollywood that can't afford going to doctors here, you can fly to Brazil and get your shit done there.

01:54:16.000 Because their girls get book jobs all the time and stuff.

01:54:18.000 I guess.

01:54:18.000 And then, you know, then you just chill out in Rio, chill out on the beach while your tits heal, and get on a plane and head home.

01:54:25.000 Holla!

01:54:27.000 I got one on vacation, came back with tits.

01:54:31.000 I'm excited.

01:54:32.000 Yeah, it should be fun.

01:54:33.000 It's a whole other culture.

01:54:34.000 Yeah, just don't go to the favelas looking for heroin.

01:54:37.000 Keep it together.

01:54:38.000 And don't get bit by a Brazilian wandering spider.

01:54:41.000 There's a Brazilian wandering spider that kills you, and one of the things that happens is the people that survive, first of all, you'll have a 24-hour raging death hard-on.

01:54:52.000 Really?

01:54:52.000 Yes.

01:54:53.000 The way it affects your body, it apparently blasts your levels of nitric oxide, which is the same effect that Viagra has.

01:55:03.000 And what this stuff does is just makes your dick hard as fucking cold steel to the point where it's painful.

01:55:10.000 Well, your dick is dying.

01:55:12.000 It's expanded so hard that it's tearing.

01:55:14.000 Literally, the cells are ripping apart from each other.

01:55:18.000 It's getting so big and so hard that the cells are separating from each other.

01:55:23.000 Tearing in agony and screaming pain.

01:55:26.000 And this is happening to all your muscles, not just your cock.

01:55:29.000 Oh, okay.

01:55:29.000 But every muscle in your body is just in mad agony.

01:55:32.000 And if you survive, and most people don't, but if you survive, you'll be fucked.

01:55:36.000 You'll be dead.

01:55:37.000 You might as well be dead.

01:55:38.000 Your dick won't work anymore.

01:55:39.000 It's done forever.

01:55:40.000 Your body's going to be a wreck.

01:55:41.000 You're going to be physically a wreck.

01:55:43.000 All your muscles are going to be fucked.

01:55:44.000 So wait, do they, once you get bit, what happens to you?

01:55:46.000 Can you go to the doctor immediately?

01:55:48.000 No.

01:55:48.000 You're fucked.

01:55:49.000 You're fucked.

01:55:50.000 It's almost immediately.

01:55:52.000 Almost immediately you're fucked.

01:55:53.000 I don't know if they have...

01:55:55.000 And what would you say, percentage-wise, are you worried about the spider?

01:55:59.000 Me, I'm not going to the jungle.

01:56:00.000 Oh, it's in the jungle.

01:56:01.000 I'm 100% not worried.

01:56:02.000 I hope it's only in the jungle.

01:56:03.000 Shit, I'm pretty sure it's only in the jungle.

01:56:06.000 But if I'm going to put myself in a fucking boy in the plastic bubble suit, I'm going to dress up like Aquaman.

01:56:13.000 I don't know.

01:56:14.000 I'm not really worried about it.

01:56:15.000 Are hotels normal down there?

01:56:17.000 Sure, yeah.

01:56:18.000 Beautiful hotels.

01:56:18.000 They're pretty much everywhere.

01:56:19.000 They've already been tours from other places.

01:56:21.000 The nice hotels are nice everywhere.

01:56:22.000 Yeah, any city in the world that's a real city, you're going to have some nice places to stay.

01:56:28.000 I've seen Kuwait.

01:56:29.000 Kuwait has beautiful, beautiful hotels.

01:56:33.000 It's kind of crazy, you would think.

01:56:34.000 If someone just went to war with Iraq just a few years ago, it would probably be a mess right now, right?

01:56:37.000 No, not really.

01:56:39.000 Go there, it's beautiful.

01:56:40.000 I had a crazy dream.

01:56:41.000 I quit pot and my dreams went nuts.

01:56:43.000 Tell us about that.

01:56:44.000 How long did you quit it for?

01:56:46.000 13 days.

01:56:47.000 Wow.

01:56:47.000 But I met every day, multiple times a day, smoker.

01:56:51.000 I heard that you get dreams and nightmares after three days.

01:56:55.000 Nightmares?

01:56:55.000 Yeah.

01:56:56.000 So I was trying to put three days on.

01:56:58.000 To try to get the dreams and nightmares.

01:56:59.000 You got to see what would happen if you quit.

01:57:01.000 But it took me two years.

01:57:02.000 We need to give you some alpha brain.

01:57:04.000 I bet alpha brain would give you some ridiculous dreams.

01:57:06.000 Yeah, a lot of people kept saying, like, oh, it must be the alpha brain or whatever it was.

01:57:09.000 It gives you really vivid dreams.

01:57:11.000 It's the combination of all the nootropics and the B6. Because B6 on its own apparently can do that.

01:57:17.000 A lot of the nootropics on their own can give you some weird dream effects.

01:57:21.000 But apparently all of them together with the B6 really kicks.

01:57:24.000 It was every night except after I did mushrooms.

01:57:27.000 Every night.

01:57:27.000 Yeah, and we get to create like plot-driven dreams, like long and super clear.

01:57:31.000 I can remember them for way longer.

01:57:32.000 Whoa.

01:57:33.000 And one of them was I was dropped in the jungle in Brazil and there was all these like dangerous predators.

01:57:37.000 But there's also tons of mushroom spores.

01:57:40.000 So we would trip out.

01:57:41.000 Dude, I think it's good to stop smoking pot for a little bit.

01:57:44.000 I think it's good to stop doing everything.

01:57:46.000 I take meat breaks.

01:57:47.000 I take meat breaks where I only eat vegetables for a couple of days.

01:57:51.000 Clear out a little bit.

01:57:51.000 Just for the fuck of it.

01:57:52.000 I just do it if I feel like doing it.

01:57:54.000 Sometimes there's a good vegan restaurant near here and every now and then I'll just have this real hankering for some real vegetable heavy food.

01:58:03.000 Sounds good.

01:58:04.000 What are you saying?

01:58:04.000 Quinoa.

01:58:05.000 Quinoa?

01:58:06.000 What is that?

01:58:06.000 Vegan food.

01:58:08.000 Quinoa.

01:58:08.000 Quinoa?

01:58:09.000 Oh, quinoa.

01:58:10.000 Quinoa.

01:58:11.000 That's that grain, that heavy protein grain.

01:58:15.000 I got the Whole Foods salad bar.

01:58:17.000 I got a bunch of different types of quinoas.

01:58:19.000 Yeah.

01:58:20.000 It's the only plant, apparently, that has all the amino acids that meat has.

01:58:25.000 Yeah.

01:58:25.000 That, I think, soy also.

01:58:27.000 I don't think so.

01:58:28.000 I don't think soy has everything.

01:58:30.000 Really?

01:58:30.000 Yeah, and soy makes you grow tits.

01:58:31.000 Yeah, fuck soy.

01:58:32.000 Soy made Brian cry.

01:58:34.000 Yeah, I like almond.

01:58:35.000 Almond milk is great for you.

01:58:37.000 I love that.

01:58:37.000 I drink that shit every day.

01:58:39.000 That's pretty much substituted most of my dairy.

01:58:42.000 Unless I'm having cookies.

01:58:44.000 I'm having cookies.

01:58:45.000 It's really easy to make by yourself.

01:58:47.000 Almond milk?

01:58:47.000 Yeah, almond milk.

01:58:49.000 Because you have the Vitamix, it's really cool for that.

01:58:51.000 Really?

01:58:52.000 Yeah, just mix it with water.

01:58:53.000 But there's a lot of good recipes online to make.

01:58:56.000 Do you make it?

01:58:56.000 Have you made one?

01:58:57.000 I tried it once and it worked.

01:58:58.000 Do you have to soak the almonds first?

01:59:00.000 Is that how you do it?

01:59:01.000 Yeah, I soak it overnight for 24 hours and mix it up.

01:59:04.000 There's something else I did to it.

01:59:05.000 You're just buying almond milk.

01:59:06.000 Yeah, why don't I do that?

01:59:07.000 So I can just go to the store and buy it.

01:59:09.000 I just have it done for you.

01:59:10.000 Well, I'm just saying, if you're crazy, you're really crazy.

01:59:14.000 You feel like going old school.

01:59:16.000 Make your own butter.

01:59:16.000 Have you ever tried to make your own butter?

01:59:18.000 No.

01:59:19.000 I made my own whipped cream.

01:59:20.000 I did make my own pickles.

01:59:21.000 You did?

01:59:21.000 Yeah.

01:59:22.000 So why is it preposterous to make your own butter?

01:59:24.000 You can't get that kind of recipe.

01:59:26.000 Oh, the pickle recipe?

01:59:28.000 There was a place when we were filming Zookeeper in Boston.

01:59:31.000 I wish I remembered their name because I would give them a shout out.

01:59:33.000 There was a fucking cart that they had where it was all pickles and different flavored pickles.

01:59:38.000 And some of them were really spicy and some of them were really crisp and green.

01:59:42.000 And some of them were like the more sour, like a darker or lighter colored green ones.

01:59:48.000 And they just had every kind of pickle and they were fucking deadly.

01:59:51.000 And I was like, Jesus Christ, you guys ship these pickles?

01:59:53.000 I'm like, I got to get these fucking pickles.

01:59:55.000 They were amazing.

01:59:55.000 I'll bring you some that my father made.

01:59:57.000 Oh, yeah?

01:59:58.000 I'll bring you some to the airport.

01:59:59.000 The best is a Bloody Mary with pickled asparagus and green beans in it.

02:00:03.000 Pickled asparagus?

02:00:04.000 What do they pickle it with?

02:00:06.000 Same thing?

02:00:07.000 Same thing, Brian?

02:00:08.000 Once you've already made the brine, you can use that stuff.

02:00:11.000 Oh, so you just stick something else in there, huh?

02:00:13.000 Carrots and green cucumbers.

02:00:15.000 Cucumbers are good.

02:00:16.000 Do you ever have that?

02:00:17.000 Green cucumbers?

02:00:19.000 Those pickled green cucumbers?

02:00:20.000 Not cucumbers.

02:00:21.000 Tomatoes, rather.

02:00:22.000 Those are delicious.

02:00:23.000 They hold it really well.

02:00:24.000 Yeah, right?

02:00:25.000 They're crisp.

02:00:26.000 They're sharp, so you can cut them with a knife.

02:00:28.000 Yeah, Juice figured out a lot of cool shit.

02:00:30.000 Juice figured out pastrami.

02:00:32.000 You gotta take off your fucking hat to pastrami, man.

02:00:34.000 It's pastrami.

02:00:35.000 We did that well.

02:00:35.000 Pastrami is like one of the best for sandwiches.

02:00:38.000 Can you get a more delicious meat for sandwiches?

02:00:41.000 It's fatty, and they slice it real thin, and then with Rubens, when they put the fucking sauerkraut on that bitch, and then the dressing.

02:00:50.000 You guys want to go to Jerry's Deli and eat right now?

02:00:52.000 That was the hardest thing.

02:00:53.000 Yeah, let's get high, though.

02:00:53.000 That was the hardest thing when I took my podcast.

02:00:56.000 There was one time I got greenblats on my home.

02:00:58.000 I got that.

02:00:59.000 Pastrami, half pastrami, half chopped liver.

02:01:00.000 And I was like, I should be smoking a joint right now.

02:01:02.000 This is how this should go.

02:01:03.000 That would definitely enhance the food.

02:01:05.000 People don't realize how much it does enhance.

02:01:06.000 How far is Jerry's Deli?

02:01:07.000 Not far at all.

02:01:08.000 Real close.

02:01:09.000 Let's do that.

02:01:09.000 Let's do that shit!

02:01:11.000 What was I going to say?

02:01:12.000 Oh, Cantor's is the best.

02:01:13.000 If you want to really get down and dirty with your pastrami, that's the best pastrami in LA. Cantor's is, that's the oldest school, old school place in LA. How long has that deli been there?

02:01:23.000 Canter's?

02:01:23.000 A long time.

02:01:24.000 That's exactly the same.

02:01:26.000 If you go into that place, that's exactly the same as it was in the 1970s.

02:01:30.000 All those old pictures from there.

02:01:32.000 I think it's way older than that.

02:01:34.000 Yeah, way older than that, but I'm saying I don't think they've done any renovations since the 70s.

02:01:38.000 Or maybe it might even be the 50s.

02:01:40.000 Who the fuck knows?

02:01:40.000 The place is awesome.

02:01:43.000 And the food is super legit, especially pastrami.

02:01:46.000 And the whitefish, the smoked whitefish.

02:01:47.000 God damn, I'm getting hungry, bitches!

02:01:50.000 So, to wrap things up...

02:01:52.000 Can I say this before we go?

02:01:54.000 If you tell people?

02:01:54.000 You can say whatever you want.

02:01:55.000 I got Minneapolis, the 25th, the 29th.

02:01:57.000 That's what I was going to say.

02:01:58.000 Oh, okay.

02:01:59.000 Have another whiskey.

02:02:00.000 Throw the battleship around.

02:02:01.000 Yeah.

02:02:02.000 And then I think me and Kreischer are going to do a show with Russell in Toronto.

02:02:06.000 Oh, really?

02:02:07.000 Yeah, they're working on it.

02:02:08.000 They have a festival there.

02:02:09.000 Oh!

02:02:11.000 Russell's a giant in Toronto.

02:02:13.000 That's where he's from, I guess.

02:02:16.000 Yeah, Russell fucking dominates up there.

02:02:18.000 What a nice guy Russell Peters is.

02:02:20.000 If you don't know Russell Peters, what a fucking great guy he is.

02:02:25.000 He's so friendly, you know?

02:02:27.000 He's such an easy, down-to-earth guy.

02:02:30.000 No, like, airs about him.

02:02:32.000 No bullshit.

02:02:33.000 Yeah, I always forget that he's like...

02:02:35.000 Huge!

02:02:35.000 Superstar!

02:02:36.000 Yeah.

02:02:36.000 I always forget.

02:02:37.000 We were talking with him and Fahim.

02:02:38.000 We're talking at the improv.

02:02:39.000 He's like, honestly, I'm going to go on.

02:02:42.000 And it's like, you can't just go.

02:02:43.000 Oh, yeah.

02:02:44.000 Oh, yeah.

02:02:44.000 You can't just go on.

02:02:45.000 I forgot who you are.

02:02:46.000 Just a regular dude.

02:02:47.000 Yeah.

02:02:48.000 Well, what's really crazy is how he's huge in other countries.

02:02:51.000 In the UK, he sold out the O2 Arena like two nights in a row.

02:02:56.000 In Canada.

02:02:57.000 That's insane.

02:02:58.000 Two nights in a row.

02:02:59.000 Jesus.

02:02:59.000 That's insane.

02:03:00.000 The O2 Arena is where we do the UFC. It's huge.

02:03:03.000 I don't know how many it is.

02:03:04.000 It's more than 15,000.

02:03:05.000 I don't know.

02:03:06.000 It's more than 15,000, though.

02:03:08.000 Jesus.

02:03:08.000 It's fucking gigantic, man.

02:03:10.000 I can't even imagine.

02:03:12.000 I'm doing the Chicago theater.

02:03:13.000 It's like 3,000.

02:03:14.000 Really?

02:03:15.000 Yeah, that's pretty big.

02:03:16.000 I did 3,000 over the summer.

02:03:17.000 That's pretty nuts.

02:03:18.000 Yeah, it's just so many people.

02:03:19.000 It's a lot of people laughing.

02:03:21.000 When the laughs come in, it's a boom.

02:03:23.000 It's like, wow.

02:03:24.000 It's a weird thing, man.

02:03:27.000 Whenever you go over 500...

02:03:29.000 The laughs are bigger, but the connection's different.

02:03:32.000 It's hard to keep that real intimate connection with 3,000 people.

02:03:35.000 I have to tell myself, this last time I was able to get a little better because I was slow between jokes, pause a lot longer.

02:03:41.000 But usually it takes me 10 minutes to remember that.

02:03:44.000 Do you feel like it goes smoother when you pause longer?

02:03:47.000 Like, what is it?

02:03:48.000 It allows them time to take it in.

02:03:50.000 You need more time because there's more people?

02:03:52.000 Yeah, it's just bigger.

02:03:54.000 Like, when you're bouncing off the wall in the belly room to the left, it's like 80 people in those small, small rooms in that place in Boston.

02:04:00.000 That upstairs in my Chinese place.

02:04:01.000 It was like they all hear each other and react immediately.

02:04:04.000 Well, also I think that the room's acoustics are different.

02:04:08.000 Maybe.

02:04:09.000 The way you process sound is different when there's so much loudness around you with laughter.

02:04:13.000 And then this is projected from speakers that are far away.

02:04:15.000 I mean, it's a tricky thing, right?

02:04:18.000 And you can't really see the guy really well, so you can't get the facial expressions, the little non-written cues so that it's time to laugh.

02:04:25.000 Yeah, that's when comedy gets weird when you have giant screens where your face is on these giant screens.

02:04:30.000 Man, you'd have to.

02:04:31.000 Otherwise no one could see you if you do something that big.

02:04:34.000 Well, Dane would do those big places like that, but he would do them in the round.

02:04:37.000 He would do them in the round.

02:04:38.000 So they'd have to have somebody on the screen.

02:04:40.000 Yeah, you have to because otherwise you're looking at his ass.

02:04:44.000 Which some girls would love.

02:04:47.000 Don't get me started.

02:04:48.000 He hasn't done comedy in like a year.

02:04:50.000 Yeah, it's very weird.

02:04:51.000 I see him out once in a while.

02:04:53.000 You say he's going to do an Ice House Chronicles soon.

02:04:56.000 Yeah?

02:04:57.000 He's going to come do the show.

02:04:58.000 Maybe.

02:04:58.000 Maybe he will.

02:05:00.000 Maybe he'll just do the podcast part, though.

02:05:02.000 I don't know.

02:05:02.000 He hasn't done comedy.

02:05:03.000 Yeah, that's what I think.

02:05:04.000 I don't know.

02:05:04.000 Some people should just fucking get tired of it.

02:05:06.000 I asked him at Storyteller's show and he's like, keep asking me, but no, I'm not back yet.

02:05:09.000 That's funny.

02:05:10.000 Yeah.

02:05:11.000 He's going to take more than a year off.

02:05:12.000 I wonder what he's doing.

02:05:14.000 You know what?

02:05:14.000 Some people are just not happy with what they're doing.

02:05:16.000 This is what I heard, that it was like, I've sold out like 15,000 seaters, whatever.

02:05:21.000 It's like, that's the top of what you're supposed to do.

02:05:24.000 And I was like, where am I supposed to go?

02:05:26.000 Just keep doing that.

02:05:27.000 There's nowhere else to go or strive for.

02:05:30.000 Maybe.

02:05:30.000 That could be it.

02:05:31.000 Or he's just acting.

02:05:32.000 We all strive to get bigger followings.

02:05:35.000 I've got it.

02:05:36.000 I've got the biggest following I can get.

02:05:37.000 Well, his following definitely dropped off though.

02:05:39.000 I talked to people that worked in places where he was at where he had been there a couple years before and sold 15,000 seats and then he came back and sold like seven.

02:05:47.000 It was still huge, but it wasn't what it was at the peak of his popularity.

02:05:52.000 I think it's also a lot of negativity.

02:05:55.000 He dealt with a lot of people that were not just warranted, but even unwarranted negativity.

02:06:01.000 There was a lot of people that hated that guy.

02:06:04.000 There was warranted stuff, like the plagiarism stuff that was kind of questionable.

02:06:09.000 I shouldn't say questionable, but it was...

02:06:12.000 He stopped.

02:06:13.000 Yeah.

02:06:13.000 He probably just stopped.

02:06:14.000 He stopped.

02:06:15.000 He stopped doing that, for sure.

02:06:17.000 But it was also, I mean, the way it all went down, it was very unfortunate for him.

02:06:22.000 It looked horrible.

02:06:23.000 You know, when people were playing the Louis C.K. bits next to his bits, it just became...

02:06:28.000 Did you ever watch him on Louis' show?

02:06:30.000 Yes.

02:06:30.000 That scene?

02:06:31.000 Yeah, I didn't...

02:06:32.000 I thought that was weird.

02:06:33.000 You know, I think...

02:06:34.000 It's definitely weird.

02:06:35.000 I like the way Louis kind of let him win, because that's in line with how Louis would deal with the situation.

02:06:41.000 It made sense to me.

02:06:42.000 Like, oh, of course this is how Louis did it.

02:06:44.000 You know, Louis's a nice guy, you know, and he sort of felt bad that everybody was going after Dane, but...

02:06:50.000 It was what it was.

02:06:52.000 It's weird.

02:06:53.000 It's just hard for a guy to recover from something like that.

02:06:55.000 When you get a label put on you and you get a lot of people that just decide to hate you.

02:07:03.000 I mean, Zach Galifianakis.

02:07:06.000 Galifianakis.

02:07:07.000 He had a...

02:07:08.000 People don't hate him.

02:07:09.000 Remember he used to do a bit where he would pull out posters at the end and he'd write things on them?

02:07:14.000 Yeah.

02:07:14.000 And one of them was Kill Dane Cook.

02:07:16.000 Got a huge laugh.

02:07:17.000 Yeah.

02:07:18.000 It's like...

02:07:19.000 It's all sort of a group we can make this joke.

02:07:21.000 Yeah.

02:07:22.000 He became that guy.

02:07:24.000 Even though a lot of people loved him, he became the guy that a lot of people fucking hated.

02:07:29.000 Yeah, and you were in the clear to be able to say whatever you wanted.

02:07:32.000 And if you're not doing stand-up, you're really not in that world anymore.

02:07:35.000 You're not attached to those people anymore.

02:07:37.000 You're not feeling their hate anymore.

02:07:38.000 You're like, whatever.

02:07:39.000 Now you have no effect on me.

02:07:41.000 Now you have no effect on me.

02:07:43.000 I'm not doing stand-up right now.

02:07:44.000 You have no effect on me.

02:07:45.000 I guess.

02:07:46.000 Yeah.

02:07:46.000 I mean, if you're tired of people just, this snarky critic who is just on instinct and just by default they're cunty.

02:07:57.000 There's a lot of people like that by default looking for something shitty to say.

02:08:01.000 And when you've got a target like Kim Kardashian or Dane Cook when people were shitting on him or anybody who's in the news that is like a free shot, you automatically go after them.

02:08:12.000 There's going to be a lot of people that go after him.

02:08:15.000 Yeah, Justin Bieber.

02:08:18.000 So not doing comedy would help that?

02:08:20.000 Yeah, because you're not connected to them anymore.

02:08:22.000 You're not doing anything.

02:08:23.000 He's got enough money, I'm sure, that he could just kick back and relax for a few years.

02:08:27.000 He doesn't seem like a nutty spender.

02:08:29.000 So if he can just kick back and relax for a few years, and maybe while he's doing that he's writing some stuff that he really likes.

02:08:35.000 He filmed three movies last year, so that could also be why he took a year off.

02:08:38.000 Yeah, that could be too.

02:08:39.000 I know Beck did an album, a really great album called Sea Change, and it's all about his relationship with Winona Ryder.

02:08:46.000 Whoa.

02:08:47.000 Yeah.

02:08:47.000 And he said, though, he was like, I couldn't write it for like two years, until after we broke up, for like a couple years, and then I was able to process my feelings about it, and then write this amazing work.

02:08:57.000 Hmm.

02:08:58.000 How's Winona feel about it?

02:08:59.000 I don't know.

02:09:00.000 They tried to reach her, but she was too busy stealing shit.

02:09:02.000 It's a really great album.

02:09:03.000 It's a good breakup album.

02:09:04.000 He's a Scientologist, isn't he?

02:09:05.000 Yeah, I went to a Scientology show of his once.

02:09:08.000 Really?

02:09:08.000 What was that?

02:09:09.000 It was a knitting factory, but it was a fundraiser for Scientology, and my Scientologist friend got me in.

02:09:14.000 Wow, you have a Scientologist friend?

02:09:16.000 Bobby used to have a girlfriend who was a Scientologist.

02:09:18.000 Okay, so you're sitting there with all Scientologists and you?

02:09:21.000 And Bobby.

02:09:22.000 Wow.

02:09:23.000 He must have been there too.

02:09:24.000 Unless he wasn't available that day.

02:09:25.000 And so Beck is doing a show and going like, fucking Scientology rules!

02:09:29.000 No, he didn't really talk about it.

02:09:30.000 And everybody goes, yes!

02:09:31.000 When you see a car accident, you know you have to pull over.

02:09:35.000 Because you're a Scientologist.

02:09:36.000 And you're the only one that's going to know what to do.

02:09:37.000 The only one that can help.

02:09:39.000 I just think it'd be too bad if you, like Dane Cook, the way he talks about comedy and the way he's been 20 years in the game, to lose a professional.

02:09:48.000 Man, it's too bad.

02:09:49.000 Well, who knows if he's losing it?

02:09:51.000 Maybe he's just taking a year off.

02:09:53.000 Maybe he's just reinventing himself.

02:09:54.000 No, seriously, he filmed three movies, he was on a TV show.

02:09:57.000 I know, but he was filming movies before and he never took time off.

02:10:00.000 Yeah, nobody, there's a big difference between doing all these movies and taking time off of stand-up.

02:10:05.000 Not coming up with a new album.

02:10:06.000 Yeah.

02:10:06.000 Not doing any stand-up in LA. Yeah.

02:10:09.000 Guys take two weeks off and it's a big deal.

02:10:11.000 You know?

02:10:12.000 Two weeks is kind of shaky.

02:10:13.000 You come back, you're a little, you know, you got to do like one set a week at least.

02:10:17.000 Well, I got Tuesday, Wednesday this week at the store, but I'm going to be gone in Brazil for the rest.

02:10:21.000 Right.

02:10:21.000 And I only got, that's what I called in for.

02:10:22.000 I only got one spot.

02:10:23.000 And I was like, no, I'm not going to be able to, I'm not going to get on again until Tuesday.

02:10:27.000 Yeah.

02:10:27.000 I had to call, like, who's on the cover booth tonight?

02:10:29.000 You got to let me slide in.

02:10:30.000 Oh, look at you.

02:10:31.000 You use your juice.

02:10:32.000 Once in a while.

02:10:32.000 But not once in a while.

02:10:33.000 Only when you need to, though.

02:10:34.000 I'm saying there's no way you go off like a year with nothing.

02:10:36.000 Who's making that fucking list at the comedy store?

02:10:39.000 It's fine not to give me one day out of the week.

02:10:41.000 Silly fucks.

02:10:42.000 I'm writing a new hour this year.

02:10:44.000 Are you?

02:10:44.000 Yeah.

02:10:45.000 Are you throwing your old one out?

02:10:46.000 What are you doing?

02:10:47.000 Done.

02:10:47.000 Chucking it.

02:10:48.000 Done.

02:10:48.000 Did you make a DVD? Made a CD. You gotta make a DVD, son.

02:10:51.000 You can't throw your material out without a fucking visual representation of it.

02:10:55.000 That's outrageous.

02:10:55.000 A lot of your shit is visual.

02:10:57.000 Yeah.

02:10:59.000 Hire someone to film you, cheap prick.

02:11:01.000 Make a special of my own.

02:11:03.000 Yeah, just put it online.

02:11:04.000 Release it to people.

02:11:05.000 Yeah.

02:11:06.000 Give it to the world, Ari!

02:11:08.000 Make a video.

02:11:09.000 Make a video?

02:11:09.000 You need a video, dude.

02:11:10.000 You can't just have an audio.

02:11:12.000 My first CD, I was upset that some of my shit wasn't visual.

02:11:16.000 Yeah, I went over that a lot.

02:11:17.000 Made videos of it and released them.

02:11:19.000 Just put it online after the fact.

02:11:21.000 Yeah.

02:11:22.000 Yeah, there's a lot of shit.

02:11:23.000 Like the old lady vagina bit, that's a lot of visual in that.

02:11:29.000 Boom.

02:11:29.000 You know?

02:11:30.000 I don't remember that at all.

02:11:31.000 The hand at the bottom, boom.

02:11:32.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:11:33.000 Yeah.

02:11:34.000 That's visual.

02:11:35.000 You need that part.

02:11:36.000 That's a big part of why it's funny.

02:11:40.000 What happens to a woman's vagina?

02:11:42.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:11:43.000 Don't say anymore.

02:11:44.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:11:45.000 That would be a little visual.

02:11:46.000 Very visual.

02:11:47.000 The fuck, Ari?

02:11:51.000 So if people want to see you, where can they see you, Ari?

02:11:53.000 This upcoming Minneapolis show?

02:11:54.000 Where is it at again?

02:11:56.000 It's houseofcomedy.net.

02:11:58.000 Houseofcomedy.net.

02:11:59.000 And you'll be in Chicago at the same time.

02:12:00.000 Yes, I will be in Chicago.

02:12:02.000 The 27th?

02:12:03.000 Is it that weekend?

02:12:04.000 It's the 25th of the 29th, yeah.

02:12:05.000 Yeah, I'm going to be in...

02:12:06.000 There's still some tickets available, but they're going fast, bitches!

02:12:09.000 Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell.

02:12:11.000 We're going to be at the Chicago Theater on January 27th.

02:12:15.000 And if you see Joey on stage, Joey will probably be not walking so good because he's just going to have surgery 10 days before that.

02:12:21.000 He's getting his knee fixed.

02:12:22.000 Maybe get him one of those little scooters, a little zippos, zippies.

02:12:24.000 Maybe we should get him a scooter.

02:12:26.000 But if anybody wants to get him some flowers and say get well, get him some cards, say get well, Joey.

02:12:31.000 Fuck flowers, give me the cards.

02:12:33.000 Get out of here with those fucking cards and flowers.

02:12:35.000 Just give him a lot of envelopes.

02:12:37.000 Yeah, give me an envelope with cash in it or nothing.

02:12:39.000 He loves envelopes.

02:12:41.000 Yeah, so Joey will be there supposedly.

02:12:43.000 I hope he's going to be able to make it, but he's getting surgery 10 days before.

02:12:47.000 Yeah, pretty tight.

02:12:48.000 Sometimes.

02:12:49.000 Yeah, tight scheduling.

02:12:50.000 Duncan's going to be there for sure.

02:12:51.000 I'll be there.

02:12:52.000 And then there's the UFC on Fox the next day.

02:12:54.000 You can see that.

02:12:55.000 Or if you're closer to my man Ari Shafir, you go to Minneapolis and go to the...

02:13:00.000 Houseofcomedy.net.

02:13:02.000 Houseofcomedy.net.

02:13:03.000 And Ari will be that weekend.

02:13:04.000 How many days are you there?

02:13:07.000 Five days.

02:13:08.000 Damn, that's nice.

02:13:10.000 That's time for a relationship.

02:13:12.000 You could meet a new girl and fall in love and then grow to hate each other by the time the 27th rolls around.

02:13:19.000 Nexus of it.

02:13:20.000 Exactly.

02:13:20.000 Boom!

02:13:21.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast.

02:13:24.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex to learn from, man.

02:13:31.000 Oh, shit.

02:13:32.000 Thanks to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement, New Mood, Shroom Tech Sport, and Shroom Tech Immune.

02:13:43.000 Go to the link on JoeRogan.net.

02:13:45.000 Click on it for the link for AlphaBrain, enter in the code name Rogan, and you can get 10% off.

02:13:49.000 All right.

02:13:50.000 Thanks, everybody.

02:13:51.000 Next week, we have Hamilton Morris from Vice.com.

02:13:55.000 We're going to be going on an isolation tank tour.

02:13:59.000 We're going to go to Venice.

02:14:00.000 Yeah, and he's going to come on the podcast as well.

02:14:02.000 And I got Steve Ranella from, what's that show called?

02:14:05.000 The Wild Within, which was a really cool show that got canceled.

02:14:08.000 Now I think he's got a new show called Meat Eater.

02:14:10.000 So he's going to be on the podcast on Monday.

02:14:13.000 Yeah.

02:14:13.000 That's cool.

02:14:14.000 All right, you dirty freaks.

02:14:15.000 Vote for me.

02:14:16.000 Yeah, Brian's got some fucking silly internet contest.

02:14:19.000 He wants everybody to vote for him.

02:14:21.000 He's like 300 bucks to win.

02:14:22.000 Just go to deathsquad.tv and at the top it says vote for me.

02:14:25.000 Just click on that.

02:14:25.000 That'd be awesome.

02:14:26.000 And I'll be at Waterbeds and stuff Thursday.

02:14:28.000 Waterbeds and stuff?

02:14:29.000 You're doing shows at waterbed factories?

02:14:31.000 No, I'm just going to buy a bowl.

02:14:32.000 What is waterbeds and stuff?

02:14:33.000 It's the only place to buy a bowl in Columbus, Ohio.

02:14:36.000 Oh.

02:14:37.000 To buy a bowl?

02:14:38.000 Yeah, they sell waterbeds and pipes.

02:14:40.000 What?

02:14:41.000 And that's where you're going to be?

02:14:42.000 Yeah.

02:14:42.000 Are you doing a show there?

02:14:43.000 They all listen to this podcast.

02:14:44.000 You're doing a show there?

02:14:45.000 No, I'm not going to do a show there.

02:14:46.000 You should do a show there.

02:14:46.000 Why are you there?

02:14:47.000 Nah, I'm just going to buy a bowl.

02:14:48.000 Don't be scared.

02:14:49.000 Don't be scared, homie.com.

02:14:51.000 Thanks, everybody.

02:14:51.000 Oh, one more thing.

02:14:52.000 I interviewed a hooker on my podcast this week.

02:14:54.000 Damn.

02:14:54.000 A real one?

02:14:55.000 Yeah.

02:14:56.000 High-class prostitute.

02:14:57.000 Really?

02:14:58.000 Yeah.

02:14:58.000 Ooh, how do people get that?

02:15:00.000 Go to, I guess, iTunes or my website, AriTheGreat.com.

02:15:02.000 AriTheGreat.com.

02:15:03.000 Is it good?

02:15:04.000 It was long and good.

02:15:06.000 Really?

02:15:06.000 She just told me everything.

02:15:07.000 Oh, my God.

02:15:08.000 Ooh, I might listen to that.

02:15:09.000 It was really fun.

02:15:10.000 I'm listening to that on the flight to Brazil.

02:15:12.000 This is the five other things.

02:15:13.000 It's a long flight.

02:15:14.000 Yeah.

02:15:15.000 Yeah.

02:15:16.000 Alright.

02:15:16.000 You fucking freaks.

02:15:18.000 Very nice.

02:15:18.000 We love you guys.

02:15:19.000 We love everybody.

02:15:20.000 We'll see you next week.

02:15:20.000 Thanks for everybody.

02:15:22.000 Thanks for everything.

02:15:24.000 Thanks to everybody.

02:15:25.000 For everything, I've been talking too much today.

02:15:29.000 My mouth doesn't want to work anymore.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 10, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #175 - Ari Shaffir

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