The Joe Rogan Experience - February 01, 2012


Joe Rogan Experience #181 - Iliza Shlesinger

Topics
nootropics studies kale shakes and probiotics death boner The Golden Girls addiction chocolate living together retarded retarded boy joke punching vs. kicking brain AIDS living in Boston Midwest boob cakes absinthe hallucinations vitamins fake punch incident
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Iliza Shlesinger
Mentioned
Brian D. Morton Joey Diaz Rosie O'Donnell Osama Bin Laden Noah Jack Russell Terriers Jesus Christ Veronica Eliza Schlesinger Duncan Trussell Suzanne Somers Stephen King Death Boner Betty White Hobby Lobby Muay Thai John Reap Burbank Shroom Tech Sport Leaving Las Vegas and 67 more
Joe Rogan Experience #180 - Joey Diaz, Eddie Bravo, Denny Prokopos Joe Rogan Experience #182 - Bryan Callen, Jimmy Burke

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 13 minutes

Words per minute

219.51

Word count

29,243

Sentence count

3,939

Harmful content

Misogyny

239

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,059

sentences flagged

Hate speech

143

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Joe and Eliza talk about a fake vagina, sex toys, and the weirdest thing you can do with a flashlight that looks like a butthole. Plus, a new segment called Joe Rogan Experience, in which we talk about sex toys and other things that don't really matter. Guests: comedian Eliza Miller ( ) and writer/comedian Brian Koppel ( ) Thanks to caller Eliza ( ) for the suggestion of the fake vagina. Thanks also to The Fleshlight for the discount code ROGAN for 15% off the entire purchase. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. The theme song is Come Alone by Suneaters, courtesy of Lotuspool Records. All rights reserved. Used w/ permission. If you like what you hear, please leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and we'll make sure to include it in future episodes. Thank you! Joe Rogans Experience is a production of Native Creative Podcasts. Produced in partnership with Native Creative and Native Creative. New music is produced by Native Creative, New Music is produced in collaboration with Local Non-Distributors. This episode was mixed and edited by Jeff Perla. Our theme music is by Skynyrm and our ad music is courtesy of and produced by . and mixed by , , with additional mixing and mastering and mastering by . We do not own the rights to the music used in this episode and by and , and is provided by in the music is a copyright of . Thank you and by the on this episode was produced and edited and produced in this podcast is by our patrons. and is thanks to in at novella and in no way affiliated with this episode is , all credit given to , no other compensation is owed to any other artists by any other person in any other place . or any other third party or except by a third party by anyone else . is not in any way . in any credit given in any such place else other than this podcast or except this podcast is owned by them unless otherwise noted by them. , including any other credit is credit given.

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:02.000 Oh boy, here we go again.
00:00:05.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.
00:00:11.000 Yeah, Eliza.
00:00:12.000 No, I mean, it's great.
00:00:13.000 It is great.
00:00:14.000 It's not, right?
00:00:17.000 It's more known than dildos. 0.99
00:00:18.000 There's no one dildo company that's known as much as The Fleshlight is known, right? 0.97
00:00:22.000 Isn't it for you to put your wiener in? 0.99
00:00:24.000 Your wiener, yes. 1.00
00:00:25.000 But it's not just for fucking. 1.00
00:00:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck it. 1.00
00:00:30.000 But what's the point of having a light? 1.00
00:00:32.000 Oh, it's not really a light.
00:00:33.000 Oh, it's just a joke.
00:00:34.000 But John Heffron had a great joke about it should have a light because no one ever knows where your flashlight is, but everyone always knows where your flashlight is, which is very funny.
00:00:41.000 It's really and very smart.
00:00:42.000 Ew, that noise.
00:00:44.000 For the folks on iTunes, Brian has just pulled the actual flashlight body.
00:00:48.000 The fish out of the bucket.
00:00:49.000 But even worse, as you pulled it out, Blanche opened her mouth and she has horrible fish breath. 1.00
00:00:53.000 So the second you did that, I smelled that.
00:00:55.000 It was interactive.
00:00:56.000 Blanche would be Eliza's dog who's sitting in her lap. 0.99
00:00:59.000 That's Blanche's dream, I guess. 0.98
00:01:02.000 A butthole that she can smell any time. 1.00
00:01:04.000 What? 1.00
00:01:05.000 I thought it was a vagina. 1.00
00:01:07.000 No, this one's a butthole. 1.00
00:01:08.000 That's why Blanche opened her mouth. 1.00
00:01:09.000 I thought it was just a really tight vagina. 1.00
00:01:10.000 It's just a really tiny one. 0.99
00:01:12.000 Well, it essentially is, right?
00:01:13.000 I mean, that's what you're asking for.
00:01:14.000 Sure, it's the same thing.
00:01:15.000 Basically, whatever.
00:01:17.000 It's just a hole.
00:01:19.000 This is a fake one. 1.00
00:01:20.000 Does that offend you when you see a fake vagina? 1.00
00:01:23.000 Why would it offend me? 0.99
00:01:24.000 Some people get offended.
00:01:25.000 Some girls, they don't like the idea of it. 1.00
00:01:27.000 Well, because you should be fucking me instead? 1.00
00:01:29.000 No, it's not. 1.00
00:01:30.000 Some girls, I'm sure, you know needy girls that probably would think like that, right? 1.00
00:01:33.000 Don't you know some crazy girls? 1.00
00:01:35.000 Yeah, yeah, for sure. 0.54
00:01:36.000 So you're saying, like, girls are like, why do you need that when you can have this? 0.98
00:01:39.000 Yeah.
00:01:40.000 Yeah, that's such odd...
00:01:41.000 They can get angry.
00:01:43.000 Do dudes have...
00:01:44.000 Well, I don't want to ask you.
00:01:45.000 If your boyfriend had... 0.51
00:01:45.000 I don't want to ask you if you've ever had a sex toy or if you want to offer up any information. 0.51
00:01:48.000 Feel free right now. 0.64
00:01:49.000 Go.
00:01:50.000 I will tell you this.
00:01:51.000 I don't prescribe to that ideology because I feel that it will set you up for disappointment.
00:01:57.000 Like, no man is ever going to be able to move as rapidly as a vibrator.
00:02:01.000 Right.
00:02:01.000 So I just completely abstain from that, and it's fine.
00:02:04.000 I've been given, like, I'll do shows, and they'll be like, we're giving out free dildos!
00:02:08.000 And it's embarrassing to walk out of there with a bag of dildos! 0.98
00:02:12.000 And, like, one time for my birthday, a comic came, and he brought, like, a bag of sex toys, and, you know, your parents come to visit. 0.85
00:02:18.000 Like, you don't want that around.
00:02:20.000 Exactly.
00:02:20.000 I just don't.
00:02:21.000 Dude, I'm with you.
00:02:22.000 I'd rather feel less good.
00:02:25.000 Most of the time.
00:02:26.000 Most of the time.
00:02:28.000 Anyway.
00:02:29.000 Get that ad.
00:02:30.000 It looks like a squid.
00:02:31.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the flashlight, enter the code name ROGAN, and you will get 15% off.
00:02:38.000 Joe, you know a tip that we've never thought of? 0.99
00:02:40.000 You could only have to buy the vagina version of the Fleshlight because the other side does have something that looks like an asshole, at least an asshole enough that... 1.00
00:02:48.000 Yeah, but it doesn't fit into the thing right. 0.99
00:02:50.000 You'd have to have a different sort of setup.
00:02:53.000 Yeah, like you can make your own probably.
00:02:55.000 Yeah, you'd have to have some sort of a different base to it.
00:02:58.000 How much are they?
00:02:59.000 Yeah, what you're saying, essentially, I see what you're saying.
00:03:01.000 What you're saying is it doesn't have to be one or the other.
00:03:03.000 It should be both.
00:03:04.000 Yeah, you should have it on both sides, like a real woman. 1.00
00:03:07.000 Yeah.
00:03:07.000 You know?
00:03:08.000 But it would be in a weird...
00:03:09.000 It's not the same spot.
00:03:10.000 They're like right next to each other.
00:03:11.000 It wouldn't really work.
00:03:12.000 No, I mean, just make a flashlight that...
00:03:14.000 Well, if you're on your side, they're next to each other.
00:03:17.000 Yeah, but not like this. 1.00
00:03:18.000 Just make a flesh light that you can fuck both sides. 1.00
00:03:20.000 It has caps on both sides and just call it like a flesh saber. 0.99
00:03:23.000 Is that like a lightsaber?
00:03:25.000 It's difficult this way.
00:03:26.000 Yeah.
00:03:27.000 No, I see what you're saying.
00:03:28.000 I don't.
00:03:29.000 You totally got a good idea.
00:03:30.000 What he's saying is it should be two-sided. 0.94
00:03:32.000 Like the butthole should be one option. 0.99
00:03:33.000 Sometimes I feel like a nut. 0.99
00:03:35.000 Sometimes I don't.
00:03:38.000 I see what you're saying.
00:03:39.000 I feel you.
00:03:40.000 I feel you on this.
00:03:42.000 Yeah.
00:03:43.000 I guess that one would cost more then.
00:03:45.000 Yeah, but you know what?
00:03:47.000 How much more, really?
00:03:47.000 Not much more.
00:03:48.000 What a superior product you'd be putting out.
00:03:50.000 But anyway, the Fleshlight, as it stands, solid product.
00:03:53.000 Brian and I give it two thumbs up.
00:03:55.000 Or there should be a subscription base.
00:03:57.000 You can just have it.
00:03:58.000 You get $20 a month.
00:04:00.000 You can have any Fleshlight you want.
00:04:02.000 And then when you cancel it, you have to send them all back.
00:04:05.000 A Fleshlight of the Month Club. 0.98
00:04:07.000 You would never trust the fact that the one you were getting had not been fucked already. 0.99
00:04:11.000 Or it's like the shittiest one and they just send it because it's part of a prescription. 0.97
00:04:15.000 I think it should live up to its name. 0.99
00:04:17.000 And like a carnival game, the harder you fuck it, the more it lights up so you know you're doing a good job. 0.99
00:04:23.000 Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. 1.00
00:04:25.000 We're on such a strong delay.
00:04:27.000 I'm looking at the image on the screen.
00:04:30.000 Yeah, that's the amazing artwork that somebody sent you.
00:04:33.000 Yeah, I gotta get that dude's name.
00:04:37.000 It's so amazing that I just want to stare at it all day.
00:04:41.000 That's one of those amazing pieces of art that you can sit there and find so many things in.
00:04:47.000 Yeah, I have to find out this guy's name.
00:04:49.000 He sent it to my manager.
00:04:51.000 Just some super cool fan dude.
00:04:52.000 Whoever you are.
00:04:54.000 Thank you, sir.
00:04:56.000 I love what you've done to this studio.
00:05:00.000 Well, it's my office, man.
00:05:01.000 It's not really a studio.
00:05:02.000 I just threw up some pictures.
00:05:04.000 I needed some life on the walls.
00:05:06.000 I had accumulated a bunch of cool pictures, but done nothing with them.
00:05:09.000 And then finally, I put them up there. 0.95
00:05:12.000 This fucking room is like right out of hoarders now, though. 0.99
00:05:15.000 It's so crazy. 1.00
00:05:16.000 There are cat feces.
00:05:18.000 It's in a litter box, to be fair, but it's one of the components you need.
00:05:22.000 That is one of the components you need.
00:05:25.000 Yeah, my cat, you know, she doesn't really like to be anywhere else at night than in my office. 0.90
00:05:31.000 And it's like, my kids are always wandering around.
00:05:33.000 The one place my kids don't wander around is in my office.
00:05:36.000 So I figure, you know what, I should just keep the litter box in my office.
00:05:40.000 It should bite the bullet. 0.91
00:05:41.000 It's so gross, though. 1.00
00:05:42.000 It's not gross. 0.99
00:05:43.000 I'm just smelling cat shit all day. 0.99
00:05:45.000 Dude, it's gross. 0.99
00:05:46.000 I gotta get in there and open the top and scoop it out and flush it. 1.00
00:05:49.000 And my cat waits until I'm there to take the nastiest shits. 0.99
00:05:54.000 Like, she waits. 1.00
00:05:55.000 I know she does.
00:05:56.000 She feels comfortable with you.
00:05:57.000 I'll come home and I'm gonna check my email and I hear, scratch, scratch, scratch. 1.00
00:06:00.000 I'm like, oh, you little bitch. 1.00
00:06:01.000 And she just drops a fucking stinker. 1.00
00:06:04.000 I had something worse happen, Joe. 1.00
00:06:06.000 My cat recently was sick and had some kind of urinary tract infection, I guess.
00:06:11.000 I tried to give it cranberry juice for a while, but it's hard to give cranberry juice to a cat.
00:06:16.000 Does that work?
00:06:16.000 Yeah, it has to.
00:06:19.000 Good news and bad news.
00:06:22.000 Urinary tract infection, gone.
00:06:24.000 But it was trying...
00:06:25.000 Cat, gone. 1.00
00:06:26.000 It started doing that horrible shit where it just started peeing because it couldn't control itself. 1.00
00:06:30.000 And it did it in my bed. 1.00
00:06:32.000 All over my bed.
00:06:34.000 And cat pee, if you know anything about cat pee... 0.99
00:06:37.000 I have a really nice fucking bed and now it just smells like cat pee and I've washed it. 0.99
00:06:42.000 I've scrubbed it. 0.99
00:06:44.000 I can't do anything.
00:06:44.000 So I'm about to find something that smells worse than cat pee just because I'm so sick of that cat pee smell.
00:06:50.000 It's unfortunate, but you've got to get rid of the mattress.
00:06:53.000 It's in the mattress.
00:06:54.000 It's in the mattress.
00:06:55.000 You can get that stuff that they sell at...
00:06:58.000 Urine gone.
00:06:59.000 Yeah, but it doesn't really work.
00:07:00.000 You're in, you're out.
00:07:01.000 I mean, it works a little.
00:07:02.000 What it does is it's some sort of citrus-based thing.
00:07:06.000 It breaks down the smell of cat urine to a certain extent.
00:07:10.000 But cat urine is like glitter that's never going to go away.
00:07:14.000 You're going to find it for years. 0.99
00:07:15.000 I don't know if your grandparents were like mine, but grandparents, they start shitting in a certain way where it really fucking smells awful. 1.00
00:07:24.000 Old people shit is like the worst. 1.00
00:07:27.000 Because there's so many drugs in it, you think? 1.00
00:07:29.000 Old people shit? 1.00
00:07:30.000 Because they have so much medicine? 1.00
00:07:32.000 They're dying, probably.
00:07:34.000 Not that healthy diet, and they're dying. 0.99
00:07:36.000 And I would go in after my grandfather would take shits, and there would be a smell of air freshener in the air. 0.98
00:07:42.000 That was the most offensive smell. 0.98
00:07:44.000 The air freshener cover-up. 1.00
00:07:46.000 The air freshener cover-up over shit. 1.00
00:07:48.000 So it's just vanilla shit. 1.00
00:07:50.000 It's just such a terrible fucking smell. 1.00
00:07:54.000 Yeah, poop smells awful. 1.00
00:07:56.000 It's humid.
00:07:56.000 It's a humid smell.
00:07:58.000 Yeah, it's a humid smell.
00:08:01.000 And we're also sponsored by Onnit.com.
00:08:06.000 Makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood.
00:08:12.000 All these things are different nootropics.
00:08:15.000 What nootropics are, if you're interested in it, they're essentially vitamins and nutrients for your brain.
00:08:19.000 I really believe in them.
00:08:22.000 I know they work.
00:08:24.000 There's scientific studies that we're going to do right now.
00:08:27.000 There's going to be some...
00:08:27.000 We already discussed this.
00:08:28.000 Was it double-blind placebo?
00:08:30.000 Double-blind.
00:08:31.000 Whatever it means.
00:08:32.000 The most stringent scientific test they can for figuring out whether or not people's performances are improved, whether their moods are improved.
00:08:38.000 They're not going to know what they're taking.
00:08:40.000 Some people will take a placebo.
00:08:42.000 Some people will take a combination of different things.
00:08:44.000 Some people will take alpha brain on its own. 0.67
00:08:46.000 And we'll see what the results are.
00:08:48.000 I have been taking nootropics for a long time.
00:08:50.000 If you're interested in it, before you buy anything, just Google it.
00:08:52.000 Just Google the idea.
00:08:54.000 There's a lot of really fascinating papers and different things that have been written on them.
00:08:59.000 And there's proof that some of them actually can help people with Alzheimer's.
00:09:03.000 They're nutrients for the way your mind functions.
00:09:06.000 And couldn't hurt.
00:09:07.000 Well, it could.
00:09:08.000 That's the problem.
00:09:09.000 Yeah, you're not supposed to take 5-HTP if you're on antidepressants. 1.00
00:09:14.000 Well, those people are ridiculous. 0.99
00:09:16.000 Antidepressants? 1.00
00:09:17.000 I'm just totally kidding.
00:09:18.000 I thought you were just going to make the best show ever.
00:09:23.000 Is there a reason why they decided against the triple blind?
00:09:26.000 I don't know what that means.
00:09:28.000 I don't think there's such a thing as triple blind.
00:09:30.000 There has to be. 1.00
00:09:31.000 Is two blinds enough, you greedy bitch? 1.00
00:09:36.000 They should just do it. 1.00
00:09:37.000 As always, we say, look, I take all the stuff.
00:09:40.000 There's Shroom Tech Immune.
00:09:41.000 It's great for your immune system.
00:09:43.000 Somehow or another, it's a mushroom that tricks your body into thinking that it's potentially like a bug, like a cold.
00:09:49.000 And so your immune system fires up for a fight that never takes place.
00:09:53.000 So it's like an immune system booster.
00:09:56.000 And probiotics is something that we don't sell, but that's one of the things that I really recommend.
00:10:00.000 If you're a person who really cares about your health, One of the cool things you can do is enhance your health with organisms, live organisms, probiotics, and kombucha tea.
00:10:11.000 I'm a big believer in that.
00:10:12.000 That stuff is excellent to keep you from getting sick.
00:10:15.000 I mean, it really gives me an enhanced feeling of wellness.
00:10:18.000 It's like taking in healthy soldiers.
00:10:20.000 I also take acidophilus.
00:10:23.000 I take that.
00:10:24.000 Yeah, get it and get the good stuff.
00:10:26.000 Get the stuff that you need to refrigerate.
00:10:27.000 That's the real live culture.
00:10:29.000 Yeah, I keep the refrigerator. 0.99
00:10:29.000 It's fucking great for you. 0.99
00:10:31.000 And kale. 0.99
00:10:31.000 Yeah, kale. 0.99
00:10:32.000 I love kale.
00:10:33.000 I drink kale shakes every day.
00:10:34.000 Kale's so hot right now.
00:10:34.000 I eat six pounds of kale this week.
00:10:35.000 It's so good for you, man.
00:10:37.000 Do you think eating grass would be healthy?
00:10:38.000 No, but wheatgrass juice is healthy.
00:10:40.000 I love wheatgrass juice.
00:10:41.000 Wheatgrass juice is very...
00:10:42.000 Chlorophyll is very healthy. 0.98
00:10:43.000 It tastes like shit, but it's very healthy. 0.99
00:10:44.000 There's nothing in grass. 1.00
00:10:45.000 I love the taste.
00:10:46.000 Well, there's chlorophyll in grass.
00:10:49.000 Chlorophyll?
00:10:49.000 Yeah.
00:10:50.000 I think there's chlorophyll in all plants.
00:10:51.000 Yeah.
00:10:52.000 And there's a bunch of different types of grasses.
00:10:54.000 Right.
00:10:54.000 I don't know what grass specifically.
00:10:56.000 Because what if we were...
00:10:57.000 Like, designed to only eat grass.
00:11:00.000 You know what I mean?
00:11:01.000 I'll tell you the truth.
00:11:01.000 I thought about this.
00:11:02.000 If we were designed to only eat grass, we wouldn't have these pointy teeth.
00:11:05.000 Well, maybe that was for digging big things of grass out of the ground. 1.00
00:11:10.000 Compared to other animals, we have the most bitch-ass teeth ever. 1.00
00:11:16.000 Our teeth are nothing. 0.99
00:11:17.000 They're like these little fragile, flat things.
00:11:21.000 They're designed to chew mushy food. 0.64
00:11:24.000 Other animals are designed to actually hold onto things and then eat those things.
00:11:28.000 Tear them apart and eat them.
00:11:30.000 If you look at a chimp's teeth compared to our teeth... 1.00
00:11:33.000 They're designed to fuck you up. 1.00
00:11:35.000 I think about that because I always look at Blanche's mouth, even when she's sleeping. 1.00
00:11:39.000 I'm upset.
00:11:40.000 When you live with an animal...
00:11:41.000 I live with a tiny carnivore.
00:11:44.000 She'll eat carrots and she's sweet, but genetically she's programmed to find live things and rip their necks in half and eat them. 1.00
00:11:52.000 Yeah, it's weird, right?
00:11:53.000 Isn't that amazing?
00:11:54.000 Even though she's like your little love bug.
00:11:57.000 Anyway, go to honit.com.
00:11:59.000 O-N-N-I-T dot com. 1.00
00:12:00.000 We tried to make.
00:12:01.000 You have to get rid of your mattress.
00:12:02.000 Yeah, get rid of your mattress, son.
00:12:04.000 Can I tell you why you have to get rid of it?
00:12:07.000 Don't give it to Brody!
00:12:09.000 It's alright, Joe.
00:12:10.000 I put two comforters on it.
00:12:11.000 Enjoy it.
00:12:12.000 In the valley, it all smells.
00:12:13.000 Yeah.
00:12:15.000 That was a good grody.
00:12:16.000 Thank you.
00:12:17.000 That was awesome.
00:12:19.000 Here's why you have to get rid of your mattress.
00:12:20.000 Let's get rid of this commercial.
00:12:21.000 Let's get this commercial.
00:12:21.000 Otherwise, we can start this podcast.
00:12:23.000 I know this is already going to be good.
00:12:24.000 We haven't started?
00:12:24.000 No, we haven't even started.
00:12:25.000 This is just commercial.
00:12:26.000 That was all my good material.
00:12:27.000 It's wheatgrass.
00:12:28.000 You've got way more.
00:12:29.000 Your whole wheatgrass chunk.
00:12:31.000 Anyway, for the first 30 pills, whatever you buy, we offer a 100% money-back guarantee.
00:12:38.000 It used to be whatever you buy...
00:12:40.000 We offered a 100% money-back guarantee, but there were some douchebags that bought a bunch and then tried to sell them all on eBay after they got their money back, which you ruined it. 1.00
00:12:49.000 That's human nature.
00:12:51.000 But we try to make this as easy and as clean as possible.
00:12:54.000 100% money-back guarantee in your first 30 pills.
00:12:57.000 And you know what?
00:12:58.000 If you think it costs too much money, I urge you.
00:13:01.000 Go and buy the ingredients.
00:13:03.000 Take the directions offline, whatever the ingredients are.
00:13:07.000 It's clearly listed on the website.
00:13:09.000 Onnit.com.
00:13:10.000 And steal it.
00:13:11.000 Make your own blend.
00:13:12.000 Who cares?
00:13:14.000 If you're into it, try it.
00:13:15.000 Check it out.
00:13:16.000 And if you want to buy them from us, go to JoeRogan.net.
00:13:20.000 Click on the link for AlphaBrain and enter in the code name Rogan and you get 10% off. 0.98
00:13:23.000 Okay, you dirty freaks. 1.00
00:13:25.000 Done. 1.00
00:13:25.000 See, that's the commercial, Eliza. 1.00
00:13:27.000 It's over.
00:13:28.000 Now we play music?
00:13:29.000 Yeah.
00:13:29.000 Experience.
00:13:30.000 And now the show starts.
00:13:30.000 Straight by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
00:13:33.000 That's the best way for us to do commercials, we've figured out.
00:13:39.000 Was I in that commercial?
00:13:40.000 Mm-hmm.
00:13:41.000 Okay. 0.98
00:13:41.000 Dude, you were fucking awesome in it. 0.98
00:13:43.000 I thought we were... 0.98
00:13:44.000 That was one of your best pieces.
00:13:46.000 I'm going to submit that to the Tonight Show.
00:13:48.000 That's what I said.
00:13:49.000 You could do that, I bet.
00:13:50.000 It's a solid piece.
00:13:51.000 Yeah, it was a solid piece.
00:13:53.000 It was a solid piece.
00:13:53.000 Give it to Russ.
00:13:54.000 Liza.
00:13:55.000 Eliza Schlesinger, a professional stand-up comedian.
00:13:58.000 We all share a camaraderie.
00:14:01.000 It's funny.
00:14:02.000 Comics, when you meet someone that's a comic, we all share this kind of weird thing.
00:14:07.000 I did the Rosie O'Donnell show.
00:14:09.000 Really?
00:14:10.000 Yeah, people are like, why did you want to do the Rosie O'Donnell show?
00:14:12.000 And I'd be like, because she's a comic. 0.99
00:14:14.000 You know what I mean?
00:14:14.000 Like, we all share.
00:14:16.000 We share something, you know?
00:14:18.000 Tell us about that.
00:14:18.000 What was that like?
00:14:19.000 She was very nice.
00:14:20.000 I only got to talk to her for a short period of time.
00:14:22.000 We sat down for about an hour.
00:14:25.000 And we talked about, she talked a little bit about the government.
00:14:27.000 She had a really good point about how people look at the government like it's a benevolent father.
00:14:32.000 And I absolutely agree with that.
00:14:34.000 I totally agree with that.
00:14:35.000 Yeah, and she was, you know, she's like really, she stuck her neck out when she was on that show. 0.95
00:14:40.000 Like a chicken?
00:14:42.000 No, when she was on The View.
00:14:44.000 You mean literally?
00:14:45.000 Yeah, well she got in trouble in The View. 1.00
00:14:47.000 I mean, I'm sorry.
00:14:48.000 She got in trouble in The View because she was, she was talking about 9-11.
00:14:53.000 And she was talking about Tower 7. And if you don't know this, there's three towers fell.
00:14:58.000 On September 11th.
00:14:59.000 And two of them obviously got hit by planes.
00:15:01.000 But one of them...
00:15:02.000 Just went down.
00:15:02.000 One of them just went down.
00:15:03.000 Yeah.
00:15:04.000 And there's crazy conspiracy theories that say that it was a controlled demolition.
00:15:08.000 Now, I am the first person to tell you I am no engineer.
00:15:11.000 I have no idea how buildings are built or what their tolerances are. 0.90
00:15:16.000 But if I saw a building like that and I saw it just catch on fire and it had some holes in it and shit, but it just fell like that and fell apart. 0.99
00:15:23.000 I'd be like, bitch, how'd you build this? 1.00
00:15:25.000 How the fuck did you build this? 1.00
00:15:27.000 Come on, man. 1.00
00:15:28.000 Really? 0.98
00:15:29.000 What kind of shitty work is this? 0.99
00:15:30.000 She's saying it was designed to go down. 0.98
00:15:32.000 She was saying a lot of people believe it's a controlled demolition.
00:15:36.000 I don't think necessarily she is saying that it is or it isn't.
00:15:39.000 And I certainly am not.
00:15:41.000 I don't know.
00:15:42.000 I don't understand it.
00:15:42.000 You know what I believe more?
00:15:43.000 It was a controlled demolition, yes.
00:15:45.000 But was it by us?
00:15:46.000 Yes.
00:15:47.000 Oh, yeah.
00:15:48.000 I mean, I think that's always been the case of the argument.
00:15:51.000 They don't think it was done by the terrorists.
00:15:52.000 Right.
00:15:53.000 They think...
00:15:54.000 See, the building...
00:15:55.000 No, what if the terrorists...
00:15:58.000 Oh, if they did a controlled demolition?
00:16:00.000 Yeah.
00:16:00.000 Oh, it wasn't...
00:16:01.000 Like if somehow they had terrorists...
00:16:03.000 Could be, right?
00:16:04.000 Because, I mean, terrorists probably could easily...
00:16:05.000 I think that would probably be before hijacking planes and flying them into buildings.
00:16:09.000 Before that would be putting a bomb in a building.
00:16:12.000 Yeah, see, but it's not that easy.
00:16:14.000 See, like, when you see what happened in Oklahoma City, that was multiple bombs, you know, in Oklahoma City.
00:16:20.000 They actually, there was all these reports of the FBI removing bombs from the building, like, that didn't explode.
00:16:26.000 And if you talk to these guys that are demolition experts, they say, there's no way that was a fertilizer bomb. 0.98
00:16:32.000 There's no fucking way. 0.93
00:16:33.000 They said that if you look at the amount of damage that did and look at where the blast radius is from, it blows out. 0.99
00:16:40.000 It doesn't blow like a...
00:16:42.000 They're not designed to...
00:16:43.000 You're saying it's this building because we've all seen the loose change where you watch the lights go off around the building.
00:16:49.000 Yeah.
00:16:50.000 Floor by one, it's like...
00:16:51.000 Yeah, but see, they don't know what that means, though.
00:16:55.000 That also could be if the ceiling is coming in and slamming into the floor, all the windows would do that.
00:17:03.000 They don't know that that's explosions.
00:17:04.000 If it really was collapsing like that...
00:17:07.000 See, no one's ever seen a building collapse like that.
00:17:10.000 So when they say that those are blips and those are squibs, I don't like that because then I'm saying... 1.00
00:17:15.000 You're saying you know for sure what that is, and I'm saying the fuck you do. 1.00
00:17:18.000 I don't know. 1.00
00:17:18.000 I don't know. 1.00
00:17:20.000 Someone has to know.
00:17:22.000 I'm not saying it was us.
00:17:23.000 I'm not saying it was an inside job.
00:17:24.000 It just seems odd, ergonomically, that you would design a building that, if impacted at a certain point, the entire thing would demolish.
00:17:32.000 Structurally, what purpose does that serve?
00:17:34.000 Well, it could just be incompetence.
00:17:37.000 That's possible.
00:17:38.000 If you look at humans, that's our most likely option, right?
00:17:41.000 I mean, when did they make the World Trade Center? 0.99
00:17:42.000 It's a fucking long-ass time ago to get so cocky to build a building that's 100 goddamn stories high. 0.98
00:17:48.000 And how long did they think that was going to be? 0.99
00:17:50.000 Stay up there for.
00:17:51.000 What if it started falling apart and rotting? 1.00
00:17:53.000 What if it was just a wonky piece of shit by the time it got hit by those planes? 1.00
00:17:57.000 Yeah, that's totally true. 1.00
00:17:59.000 Yeah, that fucking thing was old as shit. 1.00
00:18:00.000 That thing was around during the Jessica Lange King Kong movie. 1.00
00:18:04.000 It could have retrofitted it.
00:18:06.000 Yeah, but what's retrofitting? 0.99
00:18:07.000 Retrofitting 100 goddamn floors? 0.98
00:18:09.000 And the cheapest bidder, you know, to do that? 0.99
00:18:12.000 How many floors was it?
00:18:13.000 I was retrofitting it with bombs.
00:18:15.000 Maybe.
00:18:16.000 Well, that's the crazy idea.
00:18:17.000 What we're saying about Building 7 or the other building, the terrorists could have done it. 0.99
00:18:21.000 I mean, I guess they could have, but how the fuck are they going to get in there and put all those explosives in? 0.98
00:18:26.000 One dynamite up a time. 1.00
00:18:28.000 Those red sticks of dynamite, one up a time, up your ass. 1.00
00:18:31.000 You're working the fucking thing five years. 1.00
00:18:34.000 Every day, you're fucking putting it into this closet. 1.00
00:18:37.000 That's so funny. 0.99
00:18:39.000 And back then they didn't have security. 1.00
00:18:42.000 You're walking down the hallway and you just smell shit. 0.99
00:18:45.000 You're like, open this door. 0.99
00:18:46.000 What's in this? 1.00
00:18:46.000 It just smells like shit. 1.00
00:18:47.000 And it says, shitty dynamite sticks. 1.00
00:18:52.000 It's like a fucking log house built with shit and dynamite sticks. 1.00
00:18:57.000 And little hairs. 1.00
00:18:59.000 A cat pee mattress.
00:19:00.000 Well, the idea was that somebody had to do something in Oklahoma City.
00:19:06.000 And that's what she said on The View.
00:19:07.000 Well, what she said on The View was it was the only building in history that collapsed skyscrapers that wasn't hit by a plane.
00:19:15.000 It wasn't a fire plane.
00:19:17.000 No, no, no.
00:19:17.000 Tower 7 wasn't.
00:19:18.000 And it was the only building in history, a skyscraper of its kind, that fell from a fire.
00:19:23.000 And she's right.
00:19:24.000 I don't know if it means anything, though.
00:19:26.000 It could be incompetence.
00:19:27.000 It could be just some crazy coincidence that it actually did fall apart, like, A controlled demolition, even though it wasn't a controlled demolition.
00:19:34.000 It could be.
00:19:35.000 I don't know, man.
00:19:36.000 I think there's so much chaos involved in any sort of catastrophic situation like that.
00:19:41.000 And all these reports, we heard explosions in the building.
00:19:44.000 Right.
00:19:44.000 Do you really remember what you saw, for sure?
00:19:47.000 How much nuttiness, you know what I mean?
00:19:49.000 There's a lot of nuttiness going on right after something like that happens.
00:19:53.000 You might want to remember something from before.
00:19:55.000 You must be so jolted from that sort of a situation that after it's over, I would imagine there would be several people that would have distorted perceptions.
00:20:05.000 I do not believe that everyone can handle truly traumatic incidents. 0.97
00:20:09.000 I'm not claiming that I can more than other people, but I don't think most people can handle really crazy shit going down.
00:20:16.000 You can't trust a few people's Memories.
00:20:21.000 You've got to take it into consideration, but you can't totally trust it.
00:20:24.000 I think, you know, the amount of trauma that contributes to a confabulation about whether you saw something or not, I mean, you can take those reports all day, and I think there's that mob mentality, like, I heard sounds, oh, so did I. But what creeps me out, what always wears American people out, and this is how you get minor conspiracy theorists, I'm not even sure if I am one, is Is when there is no explanation by your all-powerful government.
00:20:50.000 And that's what leads people to think, oh, the government was in on it.
00:20:52.000 Because you're like, you're supposed to be the American government and you don't have an idea how this happened?
00:20:57.000 That's when people start to feel unsafe and get nervous.
00:21:00.000 Like with Osama Bin Laden, you didn't take any pictures? 0.91
00:21:04.000 Really?
00:21:05.000 Not one photo?
00:21:06.000 I believe they caught him.
00:21:07.000 It's just odd when there's no answers.
00:21:09.000 They're like, we're not sure.
00:21:10.000 JFK, that's a weird thing.
00:21:11.000 You're like, how do you not have an answer?
00:21:13.000 I've talked to military people, just straight up military people about the Osama bin Laden thing, and every one of them has said that guy was dead for years.
00:21:23.000 See?
00:21:23.000 I'm not off.
00:21:24.000 Every one of them has said it.
00:21:25.000 I bet.
00:21:26.000 Dude, I've talked to a couple people that were skeptical.
00:21:30.000 I bet that.
00:21:31.000 Where you would value their opinion, you know? 0.99
00:21:35.000 I bet they fucking tortured him for like years. 0.99
00:21:38.000 I'm talking right wing dudes, man. 1.00
00:21:41.000 Right wing, straight laced.
00:21:43.000 That want the war. 0.86
00:21:43.000 Military guys. 0.86
00:21:45.000 Rambos.
00:21:45.000 Yeah, and they're like, that guy's been dead for years.
00:21:48.000 I bet his own people, I mean, I don't think they're skilled.
00:21:50.000 I think just because you put a couple bombs somewhere, these are not, you know, they're not using like biophysics to kill anyone.
00:21:56.000 So I think his own, probably friendly fire.
00:21:58.000 Who knows? 1.00
00:21:59.000 Probably blew himself up on fucking accidents. 1.00
00:22:01.000 You know what? 1.00
00:22:01.000 They might have just fucking crashed one of their helicopters and this was their crazy cover story. 1.00
00:22:05.000 They might have fucked up, crashed one of their helicopters and goes, listen, boys, you see lemons, I see lemonade. 1.00
00:22:12.000 Here's our story. 1.00
00:22:13.000 We crashed the helicopter because we killed Osama Bin Laden! 0.99
00:22:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:22:18.000 We lost a billion dollar helicopter.
00:22:20.000 Whatever, whatever.
00:22:21.000 We're going to blow that up. 0.54
00:22:22.000 It doesn't matter.
00:22:23.000 Brave soldiers survived that crash.
00:22:26.000 But we got him.
00:22:27.000 We got him.
00:22:28.000 We got him when we dumped him at sea.
00:22:29.000 We dumped him at sea because we don't want to make him a martyr.
00:22:31.000 What are you talking about?
00:22:33.000 Are you telling everybody you shot him? 1.00
00:22:35.000 In visual form, it's not the same as you fucking admitting it with your mouth. 1.00
00:22:40.000 The president getting on TV with his fucking mouth and admitting it. 1.00
00:22:44.000 His mouth. 1.00
00:22:45.000 Seriously, he's looking at the camera and he's saying it. 0.99
00:22:47.000 We killed Osama Belong. 1.00
00:22:49.000 That doesn't make him a martyr.
00:22:51.000 There has to be a visual representation of it. 0.98
00:22:54.000 That's ridiculous. 0.96
00:22:55.000 I would have liked to have seen footage, like his face. 0.98
00:22:57.000 Well, yeah, for us.
00:22:58.000 Yeah.
00:22:59.000 But not for them.
00:23:00.000 Them saying their excuse that they don't want him to be a martyr. 0.99
00:23:03.000 Then why the fuck are you admitting you killed him on TV? No, no, no. 1.00
00:23:07.000 That wasn't a martyr.
00:23:08.000 The reason they didn't bury him or do anything, they didn't want there to be a site that people could go to.
00:23:12.000 But the reason why they didn't show any photos is because they didn't want him to be a martyr as well.
00:23:16.000 Yeah.
00:23:16.000 I think that's because they don't have any photos.
00:23:19.000 There's no photos of that guy. 0.99
00:23:20.000 How epic would it have been if Barack Obama, he's like, we've captured and killed Osama Bin Laden, but before we did, our GIs each had a turn fucking him in the mouth. 0.99
00:23:30.000 And we have that on camera. 0.99
00:23:31.000 And thanks to FlipCam, we have it all on our YouTube page.
00:23:35.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:23:35.000 Why do you want to fuck some crazy old terrorist in the mouth? 1.00
00:23:38.000 Just dip in real quick. 1.00
00:23:40.000 Your penis is very soft. 1.00
00:23:41.000 I know. 1.00
00:23:41.000 Dangerous. 1.00
00:23:41.000 I thought guys liked to do that kind of stuff. 1.00
00:23:43.000 It was so disturbing seeing that other guy get captured and dragged through the streets and fucked in the ass with a knife. 1.00
00:23:48.000 Yeah, Americans don't like to see stuff. 1.00
00:23:50.000 That was so fucked up. 0.99
00:23:51.000 Apparently it was a stick. 0.99
00:23:52.000 I'm good.
00:23:52.000 It was a stick, apparently.
00:23:54.000 Oh, it was?
00:23:55.000 Americans don't have an appetite for that kind of stuff.
00:23:58.000 If there were a picture, we wouldn't have shown it.
00:24:00.000 We don't show graphic things like that.
00:24:02.000 And our people don't like to see that.
00:24:03.000 We don't like to see death.
00:24:04.000 We like people to die.
00:24:06.000 Yeah, we want to completely leave it in the dark.
00:24:08.000 I don't want to see it ever again.
00:24:11.000 The real problem is you get access to something really shocking that's not really happening.
00:24:16.000 So in watching anybody get murdered, watching anybody get fucked up, you have access to something life-changing, but you're not really there.
00:24:24.000 That's weird when you can just access that all the time, because then you're getting influenced by it far more than you would in a normal life where you actually survived. 0.57
00:24:31.000 It also desensitizes.
00:24:32.000 As a country, we're desensitized to war.
00:24:35.000 We have all of our video games, all of our media, all this stuff.
00:24:37.000 We're like, war.
00:24:38.000 Very few of us have actually, we'll call it upper middle class, have actually been made privy to anything tangentially related to war.
00:24:48.000 And so it's very easy for us to be like, yeah, we'll just send some troops. 0.73
00:24:50.000 I'm like, you know, I've been to Israel just on vacation and it's so fucking hot I couldn't stand it.
00:24:55.000 So just imagine being over there like with all, like, we have no frame of reference.
00:25:00.000 Because we're so desensitized.
00:25:01.000 Yeah, we're detached from it.
00:25:03.000 It's not a part of our daily lives unless you have friends and loved ones over there.
00:25:07.000 I watched something on TV where they were talking about the amount of money that it costs to air-condition the tents in Afghanistan. 0.99
00:25:13.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.99
00:25:15.000 So much. 1.00
00:25:15.000 In Iraq, it's some insane amount. 1.00
00:25:18.000 It's like billions of dollars. 0.99
00:25:19.000 Two donkeys and a woman. 0.92
00:25:20.000 It's so crazy to keep the AC on.
00:25:22.000 Yeah.
00:25:24.000 We don't even think about it.
00:25:25.000 The whole thing is nuts. 1.00
00:25:26.000 It's fucking nuts. 1.00
00:25:27.000 It's nuts that they talk people into it. 1.00
00:25:29.000 It's nuts that it's still going on, too.
00:25:31.000 Yeah, let's just send troops over. 1.00
00:25:34.000 We're living in a G.I. Joe movie.
00:25:36.000 That's what it is.
00:25:37.000 People don't even think about it.
00:25:38.000 I get goosebumps thinking about it at all.
00:25:40.000 I don't know why it resonates so deeply with me to think about our troops over there.
00:25:44.000 Because you're smart.
00:25:45.000 I love my country so much that I just love my country and anything having to do with that.
00:25:51.000 Look at this.
00:25:51.000 It's all standing up.
00:25:52.000 Dude, you should be in a patriotic commercial.
00:25:55.000 Do you drive a Chevy truck?
00:25:57.000 I had a blazer.
00:25:59.000 Everyone thought I was a lesbian for the longest time.
00:26:02.000 I had a Chevy blazer for 10 years.
00:26:04.000 I drove it out here.
00:26:05.000 Look, I think the idea of what America is supposed to be is awesome. 0.96
00:26:09.000 I think there's a lot of fucking creative people here.
00:26:11.000 A lot of cool people come from America, for sure. 1.00
00:26:13.000 But there's also a lot of cunts. 0.98
00:26:15.000 That represents America as well, unfortunately. 1.00
00:26:19.000 The shit that we're doing around the world is just creepy as fuck. 1.00
00:26:25.000 But, we also do, I agree. 1.00
00:26:28.000 We also keep things in line.
00:26:29.000 We do. 0.99
00:26:29.000 It's better for us to be on top than some fucking wacky countries, right? 0.99
00:26:34.000 And we're the only ones, we'll take your land, we'll give it back. 0.97
00:26:37.000 We'll say sorry, we'll make reparations.
00:26:38.000 No, we do!
00:26:40.000 We're the only ones with a real conscience about it.
00:26:42.000 Where do we give your land back?
00:26:43.000 The Indians? 0.91
00:26:43.000 We give land back to who? 0.91
00:26:45.000 American Indians?
00:26:46.000 Yeah, give them some. 0.97
00:26:46.000 We give them the shittiest spots where there's no deer. 0.97
00:26:49.000 Like Vegas.
00:26:50.000 And we go, yeah, you want to open a casino?
00:26:51.000 Go ahead.
00:26:51.000 Whatever you want to do.
00:26:52.000 They don't need deer anymore.
00:26:53.000 They have 7-Elevens.
00:26:54.000 Well, that's a different Indian. 1.00
00:26:57.000 No, I'm saying like they have convenience.
00:26:59.000 They can go eat at like a restaurant.
00:27:00.000 You don't need deer.
00:27:01.000 I don't need that.
00:27:02.000 Well, I mean, people always go, like, what we did to the Indians.
00:27:05.000 And I'm like, oh, man.
00:27:06.000 I wasn't.
00:27:07.000 Yeah, we weren't here. 0.74
00:27:08.000 So at what point in time does the current living humans, you know, I know they benefited from the shitty work of the past. 0.91
00:27:14.000 I just trust Indians more, you know? 1.00
00:27:16.000 You trust them more?
00:27:17.000 Yeah, they seem more like down to what I would like to hang out with, like Indians or pirate guys. 1.00
00:27:21.000 Unless they get drunk. 0.92
00:27:22.000 Yeah, Indians and pirates. 1.00
00:27:24.000 Yeah, Indians. 0.97
00:27:25.000 It's like Indians, pirates, fairies. 1.00
00:27:27.000 Have you seen the...
00:27:29.000 Jesus, please. 1.00
00:27:30.000 Ryan, you're so silly. 1.00
00:27:30.000 Have you seen the Western Sky commercials? 1.00
00:27:32.000 It's like one of those things where it gives you money before your payday.
00:27:35.000 Western Sky?
00:27:36.000 Oh.
00:27:36.000 It's like a...
00:27:37.000 It's like a check cashing thing?
00:27:38.000 For four people, yeah.
00:27:39.000 Okay.
00:27:39.000 And it's got this Indian drum.
00:27:41.000 It's like...
00:27:41.000 And this girl that looks like an Indian, like Native American Gina Gershon with a braid, so you know she's Native.
00:27:46.000 She's like, Western Sky will get you off the payday track.
00:27:49.000 Get off the payday trail, Western... 0.97
00:27:51.000 And it's so fucking intimidating. 0.99
00:27:53.000 Whoa. 0.93
00:27:53.000 And she's like, sure, it's expensive, but it's worth it. 0.93
00:27:55.000 And I'm like, this is the representative for your people?
00:27:58.000 Right. 1.00
00:27:58.000 Some fucking creepy, sexy Indian? 1.00
00:28:00.000 It's expensive? 1.00
00:28:01.000 She says that.
00:28:02.000 So what, they take like a certain percentage of your check in order to cash it early?
00:28:06.000 Of your soul.
00:28:07.000 That's like they're into that.
00:28:08.000 I don't know what they, I don't know.
00:28:10.000 There's actually been some talk that they're going to release the photos of Osama Bin Laden.
00:28:15.000 Really?
00:28:15.000 Yeah, and it's so awesome because I'm thinking, how long did it take to make Avatar?
00:28:20.000 Okay, this is about the same time.
00:28:22.000 They've probably got some better technology that Pixar probably has.
00:28:25.000 We have this whole VIP section that we don't talk about.
00:28:27.000 That's so funny.
00:28:28.000 Could you imagine if one day there's cameras that don't just capture a 2D version of what you're seeing, but somehow or another they figure out some sort of a camera that can actually capture three-dimensional video that you can walk around inside?
00:28:41.000 Yeah.
00:28:42.000 It'll create holograms, like really potent holograms.
00:28:45.000 So you could actually be there, standing right there, next to the troops why they killed Osama bin Laden and press play.
00:28:53.000 Yeah.
00:28:54.000 That's entirely within the realm of possibility.
00:28:57.000 If we can create what we can create right now, I know it's way more complex, but what we're doing right now is already impossible to us.
00:29:05.000 I don't see any reason why they can't come up with some really intense, high-definition hologram-type shit in the future.
00:29:12.000 Like a virtual reality kind of thing? 0.93
00:29:13.000 Yeah, where you can walk around in the scene.
00:29:15.000 I feel like they have that universal city walk.
00:29:18.000 Four killing of some of them lost.
00:29:20.000 They probably do.
00:29:21.000 I think Americans would know for that. 1.00
00:29:23.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00
00:29:23.000 They would line up for that. 1.00
00:29:24.000 Just put that in Tennessee somewhere?
00:29:25.000 Yeah.
00:29:26.000 It's like Call of Duty, but better. 1.00
00:29:27.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00
00:29:28.000 Woohoo! 1.00
00:29:29.000 Stop it.
00:29:30.000 You can't have it.
00:29:31.000 You ever been in places like Tennessee or West Virginia or anything?
00:29:35.000 Mm-hmm.
00:29:35.000 I spent Christmas in Virginia.
00:29:37.000 Virginia, Virginia?
00:29:38.000 Like backwards Virginia. 0.88
00:29:39.000 Whoa.
00:29:39.000 What were you doing?
00:29:40.000 Having Christmas.
00:29:42.000 Do you know somebody that's hugging coke?
00:29:44.000 Do you know somebody from Virginia?
00:29:47.000 Do you have a friend there?
00:29:48.000 I have a friend there.
00:29:49.000 What was that like?
00:29:51.000 Oh my god.
00:29:52.000 I went to the Appomattox, past Appomattox.
00:29:54.000 What's an Appomattox?
00:29:55.000 Appomattox Courthouse, like for the Civil War.
00:29:57.000 It's like this tiny.
00:29:59.000 Went to a Civil War gift shop.
00:30:00.000 Oh wow. 0.99
00:30:01.000 Which is not really a Civil War gift shop as much as this dude just ordered a bunch of shit with Confederate flags on it. 0.99
00:30:06.000 So you have like a bathing suit or whatever. 0.99
00:30:08.000 Oh my god.
00:30:10.000 It's really like all small towns in America are the same.
00:30:12.000 The more southern you get, the less teeth.
00:30:15.000 But for the most part, most of America looks the same. 0.99
00:30:17.000 Isn't it amazing that there's some assholes out there that are still fighting that war? 1.00
00:30:21.000 Yeah, right? 1.00
00:30:22.000 What is it?
00:30:23.000 Heritage, not hate.
00:30:24.000 That's what it says under the Confederate flag.
00:30:27.000 Because I understand it means something to them, but if I'm a black person, it's still, that's like, a swastika could mean peace, and was it Jainism? 0.95
00:30:33.000 But to most people, you're like, yeah, it's kind of a shitty thing.
00:30:35.000 That's a very good point.
00:30:37.000 The swastika is a very good point. 1.00
00:30:38.000 I mean, no one believes that it means peace.
00:30:41.000 Who's the general of that, though?
00:30:42.000 Who's the guy in charge of the hate on that team?
00:30:45.000 Robert E. Lee.
00:30:45.000 Kid Rock.
00:30:48.000 He's from Michigan, man.
00:30:50.000 He's a northerner.
00:30:51.000 Yeah, it's a weird thing, man.
00:30:53.000 Michigan is the south of the north.
00:30:55.000 The north and the south are still at odds in some spots.
00:30:58.000 Yeah, they still use terms like Yankees.
00:31:00.000 Yeah, they get angry at you if you're a Yankee.
00:31:02.000 They do.
00:31:02.000 It's very weird.
00:31:03.000 It's weird because we don't have that feeling.
00:31:04.000 It's clear.
00:31:05.000 The conqueror and the conquered.
00:31:06.000 Oh, yeah.
00:31:07.000 Northerners, we don't have that problem.
00:31:08.000 We like Southern accents.
00:31:09.000 It makes a dude sound sophisticated.
00:31:12.000 You know, makes a girl sound hot. 1.00
00:31:13.000 Yeah.
00:31:14.000 A Southern accent makes someone sound sophisticated?
00:31:15.000 No.
00:31:16.000 I'm going to pee in that bucket.
00:31:17.000 That does not sound...
00:31:18.000 A man of taste and culture who appreciates a good whiskey.
00:31:22.000 See, I hear a man of taste and culture.
00:31:23.000 Me too.
00:31:24.000 I'm on a wall.
00:31:25.000 You're talking about a Georgia accent.
00:31:26.000 Southern gentleman as well.
00:31:28.000 Right.
00:31:28.000 Texas, you know?
00:31:30.000 Nah, I think the lawn-drawn-out thing kind of sounds like you.
00:31:33.000 Yeah, I'm going to Walmart to get some whiskey.
00:31:34.000 There's a little of that, but there's also in the dudes that are intelligent that have that accent, it's pretty badass.
00:31:40.000 It's one of the appeals of Bill Hicks, I believe. 0.94
00:31:42.000 That Texas accent was fucking cool. 0.95
00:31:44.000 It's cool hearing people from Texas talk. 0.98
00:31:47.000 I'm from Texas.
00:31:48.000 Texas is one of the coolest ways to talk.
00:31:50.000 I really believe that.
00:31:51.000 See, but it depends on, and this is for anything, where you're from, because there's a Texas accent, and then if you're from, like, Dallas, I hear, to me, it's this very preachy, I just am reminded of my teachers that were like, no, ma'am, you cannot get out to the bathroom.
00:32:04.000 Maybe that's you.
00:32:04.000 Maybe that's just you.
00:32:05.000 Maybe it's just me.
00:32:06.000 Did anybody ever do anything to you in Dallas and you drive through it just stuck in your head?
00:32:11.000 Like, you know, there's certain states of mind that you entrap in certain areas.
00:32:14.000 Like, for the longest time, I would go by my high school.
00:32:17.000 Where are you from?
00:32:18.000 Newton, Massachusetts.
00:32:19.000 Okay.
00:32:19.000 And I would drive by the high school and I'd be panicked thinking that I missed a class and they're going to drag me back in and I'm not going to get my diploma.
00:32:28.000 And I'm fucked and I have to go back to school again. 0.96
00:32:30.000 That's what I was thinking, like being from there. 1.00
00:32:31.000 Being from Texas, I think of Dallas and I think of that teacher that talks to you like this.
00:32:37.000 We don't like Jews. 1.00
00:32:38.000 That's what I hear.
00:32:40.000 Did you ever have a teacher actually say that?
00:32:42.000 No, but I did have a friend who, this is my really only, I pretty got out unscathed for the most part.
00:32:48.000 I had a friend who told me, we were like best friends.
00:32:52.000 Her name was Summer.
00:32:53.000 And she told me one day we were like playing and I was like five.
00:32:56.000 And she goes, if you don't accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you are going to go to hell.
00:33:01.000 And I guess I had seen a movie recently that had this line.
00:33:03.000 She was how old?
00:33:04.000 We were like six, five, probably five.
00:33:06.000 And I guess I had seen a movie and my automatic response was, I have naked pictures of your mother.
00:33:11.000 I had heard it, like on a movie or something.
00:33:13.000 Her mom calls my mom.
00:33:15.000 Now I heard Eliza said something inappropriate about having naked pictures of me. 1.00
00:33:19.000 And my mom was like, well, to be fair, you told, your daughter told my daughter she was going to hell. 0.99
00:33:25.000 And her answer, her response was, oh, I'm going to have to talk to Summer about that.
00:33:29.000 She's not supposed to start witnessing until she's older.
00:33:32.000 That was like what we had.
00:33:34.000 She's not supposed to start witnessing.
00:33:37.000 Oh my God.
00:33:39.000 So you think of things like that, not Southern Gentlemen.
00:33:43.000 Oh my God.
00:33:45.000 Oh my God.
00:33:46.000 Well, you know, Boulder, Colorado, everybody thinks of hippies, but it's also where JonBenet Ramsey's from.
00:33:52.000 Yeah.
00:33:53.000 That's where that went down.
00:33:53.000 That is where that happened.
00:33:54.000 Yeah.
00:33:55.000 I still think of hippies.
00:33:56.000 Yeah, mostly it is, but I didn't think of Dallas in that way.
00:34:01.000 Well, it's a perfect combination of Southern charm with money and a snotty attitude. 0.82
00:34:06.000 It's like the Hollywood of Texas.
00:34:08.000 Is it?
00:34:09.000 They're the cunty people of Texas?
00:34:11.000 I mean, I love Dallas.
00:34:12.000 It's got a lot of money.
00:34:14.000 They're the hardest partiers, I'll tell you that.
00:34:16.000 I've had more semi-blackout even than Dallas.
00:34:19.000 The whole state of Texas, I miss it so much.
00:34:22.000 We used to do that Addison Improv.
00:34:23.000 My God.
00:34:24.000 With Joey Diaz, that place was chaos, man.
00:34:27.000 You miss it.
00:34:27.000 And Addison was the only, this is not, no one cares, but Addison was the only county within Dallas where you could drink for a very long time.
00:34:35.000 Like in the 80s, I think.
00:34:36.000 That was where all the bars were.
00:34:37.000 Yeah, parents had these special tickets you had to have or something.
00:34:40.000 Now it has all the bars, but you can drink anywhere, obviously.
00:34:43.000 Oh, that kind of makes sense that they did that.
00:34:45.000 That kind of makes sense.
00:34:46.000 It's something like that.
00:34:46.000 That's because it's such a wild place.
00:34:48.000 It's a perfect place for that improv.
00:34:49.000 That's a great club, man.
00:34:51.000 Addison improv.
00:34:52.000 Ari Shaffir's headlining that.
00:34:54.000 Oh, yeah?
00:34:54.000 Yeah, he's going to headline that.
00:34:56.000 I've headlined it.
00:34:57.000 Yeah?
00:34:57.000 You're in San Antonio.
00:34:58.000 You're not impressed.
00:34:59.000 I'm not impressed.
00:35:00.000 You're not impressed.
00:35:01.000 Well, for Ari, it's nice.
00:35:02.000 Well, it's my hometown.
00:35:02.000 So they've had me.
00:35:04.000 Do ex-boyfriends ever show up at your shows?
00:35:07.000 I've invited them.
00:35:08.000 Really?
00:35:08.000 From high school or something?
00:35:09.000 Yeah, it's fine.
00:35:10.000 Okay, it's fine.
00:35:11.000 I don't think so.
00:35:12.000 I don't know.
00:35:13.000 Do you communicate with your ex-boyfriends from high school?
00:35:16.000 No, but not out of disdain or anything.
00:35:20.000 Just one you don't talk to and then another one is probably married. 1.00
00:35:24.000 Right. 0.99
00:35:25.000 I don't have any relationships where it's like, I don't want to fucking see him, I swear to Christ. 0.97
00:35:29.000 None of them.
00:35:30.000 No, it always ends amicably.
00:35:33.000 If I saw someone, I'd probably give them a hug.
00:35:34.000 I don't know if they would give me a hug.
00:35:36.000 You're usually the one that pulls the trigger?
00:35:40.000 I don't think I've ever...
00:35:41.000 Been dumped?
00:35:42.000 Yeah.
00:35:43.000 Never been dumped?
00:35:43.000 Which is not going to make anyone like me anymore.
00:35:45.000 Yeah, what's up with that?
00:35:46.000 Putting up a challenge.
00:35:47.000 Yeah, what's up with that?
00:35:48.000 What kind of dudes are you picking? 0.99
00:35:50.000 Hot ones.
00:35:51.000 Just hot...
00:35:51.000 Look at what you said.
00:35:52.000 Hot ones.
00:35:53.000 On shallow.
00:35:54.000 That's fine.
00:35:54.000 That's so funny.
00:35:56.000 No, not out of like, oh, I always win, but just...
00:35:59.000 But just you always win.
00:36:01.000 No, not always.
00:36:02.000 Things come to a natural end.
00:36:04.000 Listen, it's part of your spirit.
00:36:05.000 You're competitive.
00:36:06.000 It's not a bad thing.
00:36:07.000 You defend it.
00:36:08.000 It's harder for the person doing the breaking up.
00:36:10.000 I think sometimes it is.
00:36:12.000 You don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
00:36:13.000 I've been in relationships for a while where I just didn't want to hurt someone's feelings.
00:36:18.000 Yeah, and then when you're the one that has to do the breaking up, if you're ever feeling bad about it in the future, you can't call them because you're the one that initiated it.
00:36:25.000 That's like a dick thing, so you just have to keep it to yourself and be sad. 0.84
00:36:28.000 Yeah, sad. 0.99
00:36:29.000 So sad.
00:36:30.000 So sad.
00:36:31.000 So hard.
00:36:32.000 Yeah.
00:36:34.000 Some people are not meant to be. 0.99
00:36:36.000 And that person needs to find whoever the fuck they're meant to be with. 0.99
00:36:38.000 And get off my porch. 1.00
00:36:39.000 It ain't me, bitch. 1.00
00:36:40.000 How do you fix one of those domestic violence holes that sometimes you get in your walls? 1.00
00:36:45.000 You know, where it's like a humongous hole.
00:36:46.000 That you punch?
00:36:47.000 Yeah.
00:36:48.000 Or you kicked.
00:36:50.000 Is that something hardcore or is that really easy to do?
00:36:52.000 Have you ever done any wall board?
00:36:54.000 Yeah.
00:36:54.000 Have you ever done any drywall work?
00:36:55.000 Yeah, but I think maybe a patch.
00:36:57.000 Yeah, or I punch the hole in the wall. 0.99
00:36:59.000 Well, you gotta be careful because you don't know what the fuck you're doing. 0.99
00:37:02.000 You could accidentally, you know, you're gonna have to use a razor knife. 0.99
00:37:04.000 You could accidentally slice through an electrical cord that you don't know is there.
00:37:07.000 Alright.
00:37:08.000 You know, you should hire someone to do that.
00:37:09.000 Really?
00:37:09.000 You should leave it as a warning to the next girl.
00:37:12.000 Yeah, you know what you should do?
00:37:14.000 Put a picture in front of it.
00:37:15.000 Glue some false eyelashes and fake blood around the edges of it and just leave it there.
00:37:19.000 Oh, I thought you were gonna say.
00:37:21.000 No. 1.00
00:37:21.000 Just fuck it. 1.00
00:37:22.000 Because it's in the back. 1.00
00:37:22.000 What? 1.00
00:37:23.000 I thought you meant, like, make it look like a girl.
00:37:24.000 No, I'm in a little, like, evidence.
00:37:26.000 Like, as if a girl's head just went right through it. 0.65
00:37:28.000 Blam. 0.89
00:37:29.000 False eyelashes.
00:37:30.000 It's in the bathroom.
00:37:30.000 Like, that's the evidence, you know?
00:37:32.000 A little subtle.
00:37:33.000 We all leave them all.
00:37:34.000 Subtle, subtle.
00:37:34.000 Nothing crazy.
00:37:35.000 Not a wig.
00:37:36.000 Is that an eyelash?
00:37:37.000 Yeah.
00:37:37.000 It's in the bathroom now, right across from the toilet, so it looks like I have a hidden camera in there now.
00:37:42.000 Well, you should put a hidden camera in there.
00:37:43.000 My girlfriend has that. 1.00
00:37:44.000 You know what you should do?
00:37:44.000 You should put a camera there.
00:37:46.000 Yeah.
00:37:46.000 I should.
00:37:47.000 Now it's already half done. 1.00
00:37:48.000 Put a webcam up and just let people watch you shit. 0.99
00:37:51.000 Put the toilet roll there and make it look like a real toilet roll. 1.00
00:37:54.000 I'm surprised no one does that. 0.99
00:37:55.000 Allow people to watch you shit for like five bucks a month. 1.00
00:37:58.000 I bet you'd pay your rent. 1.00
00:38:00.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:38:01.000 If you had people that just paid to watch you shit. 1.00
00:38:04.000 Oh, that could be a good idea. 1.00
00:38:05.000 Not me.
00:38:05.000 People would definitely do that.
00:38:07.000 If you could have subscribed to a 24-hour webcam that's only above the toilet, you would get a lot of, especially if you're a girl, Why not put the camera in the toilet to watch the poop fall? 0.72
00:38:17.000 That's probably illegal.
00:38:18.000 Oh, so you're saying showing the actual poop.
00:38:21.000 Yeah.
00:38:21.000 Showing the actual poop is probably illegal.
00:38:23.000 Isn't that weird?
00:38:24.000 But you can show animal poop.
00:38:26.000 Well, you know, when you get into obscenity areas, like that guy Max Hardcore that got arrested, they arrested him in the most stringent place in the country, which was like this area of Florida that had the harshest laws, and that's how they prosecuted him, because he was selling stuff on the internet.
00:38:42.000 If he sold stuff to that area, he's prosecuted by the laws of that area.
00:38:45.000 What was he telling? 1.00
00:38:46.000 Just terrible, fucking evil porns where he would do nasty, terrible things to girls. 1.00
00:38:51.000 It's like really, really sadistic shit. 1.00
00:38:52.000 But was it consensual? 1.00
00:38:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:54.000 Well, it's okay.
00:38:55.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:38:55.000 I mean, it is, and it isn't, because these poor fucking girls... 1.00
00:38:59.000 Like what? 1.00
00:38:59.000 He opened up this girl's asshole with a tool, like this thing, a speculum, I guess it would be, pissed inside of it, and then had her drink the piss through a straw. 1.00
00:39:10.000 Oh. 1.00
00:39:12.000 Yeah.
00:39:13.000 It's not like I want to see it, but it sounds like something you'd make up.
00:39:17.000 Exactly. 0.98
00:39:17.000 It sounds completely ridiculous. 0.98
00:39:19.000 Well, she must have been addicted to drugs or something. 0.97
00:39:22.000 Well, I think there's some really lost people out there, man, and he's taking advantage of them.
00:39:27.000 And it is legal, and I guess it should be. 0.99
00:39:29.000 I mean, I'm not the one that's saying that we need extra laws, but I am the one that's saying he's a fucking creep. 0.96
00:39:34.000 The fact that you would want to do that to somebody, you know nobody wants you to do that to them. 0.97
00:39:38.000 Someone should have hugged him.
00:39:39.000 Oh, it was creepy, man.
00:39:41.000 And that's just one of them. 0.99
00:39:42.000 He pisses in girls' mouths. 0.99
00:39:43.000 I can somehow know the guy who could piss with a heart on. 0.99
00:39:46.000 It's really weird.
00:39:47.000 I can do that.
00:39:47.000 It's just all about bending your feet and pushing it down like you're pushing down something.
00:39:51.000 I can if I have to, but do you ever have to pee while you're having sex? 0.87
00:39:53.000 Ever? 0.94
00:39:54.000 Yeah.
00:39:54.000 Yeah.
00:39:54.000 All the time.
00:39:55.000 Really?
00:39:55.000 Yeah.
00:39:56.000 Wow, not me.
00:39:56.000 I will stop in the middle and be like, I gotta go pee real quick.
00:39:58.000 Yeah, morning sex all the time. 0.87
00:40:00.000 I have to pee all the time anyway. 0.99
00:40:01.000 Yeah.
00:40:02.000 UTI. I don't have a UTI. This girl was giving him head. 1.00
00:40:05.000 Small bladder. 0.99
00:40:06.000 And he's got a full boner. 1.00
00:40:08.000 And he pees into her mouth. 0.99
00:40:09.000 And it's like falling out. 0.97
00:40:10.000 I mean, it's a lot of pee.
00:40:12.000 And then he shoves her head back down again.
00:40:13.000 I'm like, why am I watching this?
00:40:15.000 I don't know why I'm laughing.
00:40:17.000 Yeah, because it's gross.
00:40:18.000 My girlfriend has a hot oil. 1.00
00:40:20.000 As long as you don't know that poor girl. 0.61
00:40:21.000 But if she was like, you know, like your next door neighbor and you knew that her mom yelled at her and, you know, you grew up and, you know, she was like that 14-year-old girl that looked to you for guidance.
00:40:31.000 And I peed in her mouth. 1.00
00:40:33.000 No, you didn't peed in her mouth. 0.99
00:40:35.000 You just...
00:40:36.000 And he got arrested.
00:40:37.000 You see her hit the wall.
00:40:38.000 Yeah, he did some time.
00:40:39.000 I think he's out now.
00:40:40.000 I think.
00:40:41.000 I'm not sure.
00:40:41.000 But it was a really controversial sort of a situation because nobody wanted to defend him.
00:40:46.000 I mean, not nobody.
00:40:47.000 A lot of people did. 1.00
00:40:48.000 But a lot of people were, you know, a lot of people in the porn industry were saying, good, fuck him. 1.00
00:40:54.000 He's a creep. 1.00
00:40:55.000 Like, what he does is gross. 0.98
00:40:57.000 Right. 0.95
00:40:57.000 You know, there's a lot of people that, like, they don't want that to be in the same lumping as regular sex. 0.95
00:41:04.000 Right, right.
00:41:06.000 Well, beggars can't be choosers. 0.79
00:41:08.000 My girlfriend has this hot oil she puts in her hair in the shower that's supposed to help damaged hair or dry hair. 1.00
00:41:15.000 Wow.
00:41:16.000 Is she?
00:41:17.000 Kind of.
00:41:17.000 Is she black?
00:41:18.000 Kind of. 0.56
00:41:19.000 I wasn't even joking.
00:41:20.000 Only in her heart. 0.98
00:41:20.000 White people don't use hot oil. 0.98
00:41:22.000 Well... 0.98
00:41:22.000 Well, we do, but not, like, as much as black people do. 0.98
00:41:25.000 Anyways, it spilled in the...
00:41:27.000 She wasn't using it, but it spilled into the bathtub, and I stepped in the bathtub and did one of those, like, seriously, like, three stooges, like, back flip.
00:41:35.000 Oh, my God.
00:41:35.000 Head hit the wall last night.
00:41:38.000 Are you okay?
00:41:38.000 Huh?
00:41:39.000 Yeah.
00:41:39.000 So that's how you got this hole?
00:41:40.000 Yeah, so now there's this huge bowling ball hole across it. 0.98
00:41:43.000 Dude, you're fucking super lucky. 0.99
00:41:44.000 Oh, I thought this was going to be about peeing in your mouth. 1.00
00:41:46.000 People die that way, man. 0.94
00:41:47.000 The tub is actually a way that people die on a regular basis.
00:41:51.000 Isn't that one of your fears, that you'll slip in the shower alone, and they'll find you naked, wet, hard?
00:41:58.000 Well, you're supposed to get rock hard, right?
00:42:01.000 When you die, you get super hard, like the hardest you've ever gotten.
00:42:04.000 It's called like the death boner.
00:42:06.000 The death boner?
00:42:06.000 Yeah.
00:42:07.000 I've heard that, and I've heard that it's only if you get certain poisons.
00:42:11.000 Certain toxins in your body or something.
00:42:14.000 You die a certain way.
00:42:15.000 That would be awesome if it happens. 0.87
00:42:18.000 What, a death boner?
00:42:19.000 Was it in that movie too?
00:42:21.000 The Nicolas Cage movie where he played an Elizabeth Shue.
00:42:26.000 Leaving Las Vegas.
00:42:28.000 Yes, Leaving Las Vegas.
00:42:29.000 The original title was Death Boner.
00:42:33.000 They didn't think that people in Florida would like it.
00:42:36.000 Yeah, it's not going to sell in the blue states.
00:42:39.000 Or in the red states, rather.
00:42:41.000 It sounds like a speed rock band.
00:42:43.000 It's awesome. 0.99
00:42:44.000 There should be a fucking band named Death Boner for sure. 0.99
00:42:47.000 I'm sure there is. 0.99
00:42:48.000 Can we Google it?
00:42:49.000 Yeah, I bet there is.
00:42:49.000 Death Boner, I'm sure.
00:42:51.000 My dog is ripping the worst farts. 0.71
00:42:53.000 Yeah, right. 0.80
00:42:55.000 Absolutely.
00:42:56.000 I mean, I think if you ask any guys...
00:42:59.000 Oh my god, stop.
00:43:01.000 If you ask any guys, you'd want to die of a boner, but I don't think if you ask any guys...
00:43:04.000 You don't die of the boner. 0.95
00:43:05.000 No, if you have a boner.
00:43:07.000 But what if?
00:43:08.000 Here it is.
00:43:08.000 It's spinal cord injuries.
00:43:11.000 Spinal cord injuries known to be associated with pripism, priapism.
00:43:15.000 It's actually pronounced priapism.
00:43:17.000 Priapism?
00:43:18.000 I have no idea.
00:43:18.000 Okay.
00:43:19.000 Injuries to the cerebellum or spinal cord are often associated with priapism.
00:43:26.000 Is that it?
00:43:28.000 Priapism?
00:43:28.000 In living patients.
00:43:29.000 So it's...
00:43:30.000 When... 1.00
00:43:31.000 Some people, when they're talking about deaths by hanging, executions, shit like that, dude's dicks get hard. 0.99
00:43:38.000 That's the way to go. 1.00
00:43:40.000 Is that because...
00:43:40.000 They've observed the effects of the genitals of both men and women.
00:43:43.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99
00:43:44.000 What, they shoot a chick in the head and then check to see if she's wet? 0.99
00:43:46.000 She's wet, yeah. 1.00
00:43:47.000 The labia... 0.98
00:43:48.000 Oh my God. 0.99
00:43:49.000 The labia and clitoris become engorged and there may be a discharge of blood from the vagina. 1.00
00:43:55.000 Oh. 1.00
00:43:56.000 When you die. 0.97
00:43:56.000 Oh, yeah. 0.97
00:43:57.000 A death tear.
00:43:58.000 Yeah, my God.
00:44:00.000 It's like nature's Hail Mary.
00:44:01.000 That's the sister band?
00:44:04.000 Nature's Hail Mary. 1.00
00:44:05.000 Nature's like, listen, we might be dying right now, so just let anybody fuck us. 1.00
00:44:09.000 Maybe we'll get pregnant. 1.00
00:44:11.000 Bloody death tear? 0.67
00:44:13.000 Maybe it's because your blood is already... 1.00
00:44:14.000 Your body's fucked. 1.00
00:44:15.000 Your body doesn't know what to do. 1.00
00:44:16.000 That's what it is.
00:44:17.000 It's a wrap, son.
00:44:19.000 Wow, fatal gunshot wounds, the brain.
00:44:21.000 Are there pictures?
00:44:22.000 No.
00:44:23.000 This is just Wikipedia and some articles it references, but it's actually a real phenomenon that happens sometimes. 0.92
00:44:29.000 Pretty fucking nuts. 0.98
00:44:32.000 Death boner. 1.00
00:44:33.000 Do you die? 0.99
00:44:34.000 Do you want to be wet? 0.99
00:44:36.000 Don't look at me.
00:44:38.000 Don't look at me.
00:44:39.000 Don't ask me questions like that. 1.00
00:44:41.000 What kind of a fucked up... 1.00
00:44:42.000 What do you want? 1.00
00:44:43.000 Why would I care?
00:44:44.000 That's what I was... 0.83
00:44:44.000 Because, you know, all guys would want to have a boner. 0.83
00:44:47.000 No, I'll tell you what. 0.89
00:44:47.000 I don't want anything sexual. 0.89
00:44:48.000 I don't want a coroner looking, and I don't want anywhere in her report being like, she was really wet. 0.99
00:44:52.000 Like, I just want it to be a nice, normal death.
00:44:55.000 Nothing, like, freaky.
00:44:57.000 There's...
00:44:58.000 Does it drive you crazy that a coroner gets to see you naked and do whatever he wants to?
00:45:01.000 The detective, my husband, whoever finds me to be like, she was soaking wet.
00:45:05.000 She was so turned on.
00:45:06.000 Because that makes you weird.
00:45:08.000 Because then they're going to think, oh, she died when she was watching The Golden Girls and she was wet.
00:45:12.000 You're going to think it's a thing.
00:45:13.000 I don't want any of that.
00:45:15.000 Yeah, it's going to be in your death report.
00:45:17.000 Wet.
00:45:18.000 That's it.
00:45:19.000 Under moisture.
00:45:21.000 Who's watching Golden Girls? 0.98
00:45:23.000 Because I watch it every night before I go to bed.
00:45:25.000 God forbid I have an aneurysm.
00:45:26.000 Dry, medium, and ready to rock.
00:45:29.000 So you're that addicted to the Golden Girls that you've named your dog after?
00:45:33.000 No.
00:45:34.000 That just happens to be a coincidence?
00:45:35.000 Yeah.
00:45:36.000 I just picked an old lady name and Blanche came into my head. 1.00
00:45:39.000 And then, as of late, I started watching The Golden Girls.
00:45:41.000 But this was...
00:45:41.000 I got her like three years ago.
00:45:42.000 Why do you watch The Golden Girls? 0.95
00:45:43.000 Because it's on when I go to bed.
00:45:45.000 I love it.
00:45:46.000 Good show?
00:45:46.000 It's relaxing.
00:45:47.000 Great writing.
00:45:47.000 It's like a warm hug to you when you sleep.
00:45:48.000 Do you ever watch the show?
00:45:49.000 Yeah, I watch it all the time.
00:45:50.000 The writing is so smart.
00:45:53.000 I haven't watched a sitcom in forever.
00:45:55.000 It's on one of our affiliate, whatever.
00:45:58.000 If you had to sleep with one, which one would it be?
00:45:59.000 Mine would it be.
00:46:00.000 It's always Betty White. 0.67
00:46:01.000 Why?
00:46:02.000 Why would you sleep with Rue?
00:46:02.000 Back in the day, she was the hottest one.
00:46:04.000 She was the young, feisty one, remember?
00:46:06.000 They were all like 900 years old.
00:46:08.000 Well, one was creepy.
00:46:09.000 One was like Quagmire, whatever.
00:46:11.000 Why wouldn't you want to sleep with Rue McClanahan? 1.00
00:46:13.000 She was the one that was a whore. 1.00
00:46:14.000 Yeah, she was Quagmire. 1.00
00:46:15.000 She was a whore? 1.00
00:46:16.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:46:16.000 That was her thing. 1.00
00:46:17.000 Really? 1.00
00:46:18.000 I'm a whore. 1.00
00:46:19.000 Okay, Betty White played Rose, and she was an idiot. 1.00
00:46:22.000 Bea Arthur played Dorothy's Bornak, who was really smart and eight feet tall. 1.00
00:46:26.000 Yeah, she was a lesbian in real life. 0.99
00:46:27.000 And then Rue McClanahan, who played Blanche Devereaux, who was a self-proclaimed slut. 1.00
00:46:32.000 And she was always running off to sleep with some eligible young man. 0.99
00:46:35.000 Right.
00:46:36.000 And you would want to sleep with that one, because she was... 1.00
00:46:38.000 No, Betty White, all the way. 0.93
00:46:39.000 That was the Chrissy.
00:46:41.000 I don't know.
00:46:41.000 You had Chrissy.
00:46:43.000 Oh, Chrissy was the best one. 0.96
00:46:44.000 Who's Chrissy?
00:46:44.000 And the third one.
00:46:46.000 Which one was Chrissy? 0.94
00:46:47.000 She was the second one? 0.96
00:46:48.000 The first one.
00:46:48.000 The first one.
00:46:49.000 Suzanne Somers.
00:46:49.000 Back in the day, wearing those little shorts.
00:46:51.000 She was the best one?
00:46:52.000 Yes.
00:46:53.000 Definitely.
00:46:54.000 Would you ever want to sleep with an older woman? 1.00
00:46:56.000 I would sleep with Suzanne Somers. 1.00
00:46:58.000 Like older, like 60?
00:46:59.000 Like dying?
00:46:59.000 Yeah, like 68. Probably not.
00:47:02.000 Suzanne Somers is probably that. 0.99
00:47:04.000 She's unlocked the secret to living young.
00:47:06.000 She has the book on it.
00:47:07.000 Alright, Demi Moore on drugs. 1.00
00:47:09.000 She's not 68 by any means.
00:47:10.000 How old is she? 0.98
00:47:11.000 She's like almost 50. Oh.
00:47:13.000 That's different.
00:47:14.000 Yeah, she's hanging in there.
00:47:15.000 I guess she had some sort of a reaction. 1.00
00:47:18.000 Did you hear about that shit? 1.00
00:47:19.000 It was like Red Bull or something like that? 1.00
00:47:21.000 That's what they're saying?
00:47:21.000 That's not what it is.
00:47:23.000 She was doing nitrous and she did salvia. 0.90
00:47:27.000 What?
00:47:27.000 She did salvia.
00:47:28.000 That's what it is.
00:47:30.000 Where are you hearing this from?
00:47:31.000 You can't just say this.
00:47:32.000 Allegedly.
00:47:32.000 No one's ever had a bad reaction to salvia.
00:47:35.000 Well, TMZ was reporting that it was...
00:47:39.000 Nitrous oxide, which could be true because she had a seizure.
00:47:43.000 She fished.
00:47:44.000 Nitrous, yeah.
00:47:44.000 But that lasts like five to ten minutes.
00:47:46.000 I've fished before.
00:47:48.000 Now, Salvia, the police report, they censored the 911 call because of personal privacy.
00:47:55.000 And then the police report came out as that she smoked something.
00:48:00.000 So you don't smoke nitrous, so I'm thinking it's salvia.
00:48:03.000 I'm thinking, what was she smoking fish on the ground for? 0.96
00:48:05.000 Are you sure that the police report said she smoked something, or are you just hearing this from TMZ? TMZ was reporting on it, so that's what it is.
00:48:14.000 We shouldn't really say that, though.
00:48:16.000 You can get the same rush from chewing five gum that you would for salvia.
00:48:20.000 Why don't we just Google it real quick, just so that we don't get in trouble.
00:48:23.000 No, I'm 99.9% sure.
00:48:25.000 What was I talking about?
00:48:26.000 You were talking about her...
00:48:27.000 Well, I just...
00:48:29.000 I don't know.
00:48:30.000 I just feel bad.
00:48:31.000 The information is probably out there.
00:48:33.000 You're saying that it was nitrous oxide and salvia.
00:48:36.000 I heard it was Red Bulls.
00:48:37.000 Someone called it a death puddle.
00:48:39.000 A death puddle?
00:48:40.000 The wet thing.
00:48:41.000 Oh, ew.
00:48:42.000 I don't like that.
00:48:44.000 Smoked...
00:48:46.000 And whatever it is, you think that her PR people wouldn't put a spin on it.
00:48:49.000 The media doesn't have an allegiance to the truth about celebrities.
00:48:52.000 So it's whatever they hear, they're going to...
00:48:54.000 You need your own show, MSNBC, right next to Rachel Maddow. 1.00
00:48:58.000 You need your own show.
00:48:58.000 Me?
00:48:58.000 Yeah.
00:48:59.000 Because I said allegiance?
00:49:00.000 No, you'd be great at it.
00:49:01.000 I would love it.
00:49:01.000 You're very articulate.
00:49:02.000 You've got a great vocabulary. 1.00
00:49:03.000 You would kick ass in one of those shows. 1.00
00:49:05.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:49:05.000 And you'd be able to make fun of shit. 1.00
00:49:07.000 That's what I want. 1.00
00:49:08.000 Is that what you want?
00:49:09.000 I have a pilot we're doing with VH1. I want to have my own late night chit chat.
00:49:13.000 Like a talk show? 0.96
00:49:14.000 Yeah, but not as shitty.
00:49:15.000 How come you haven't done a podcast yet?
00:49:16.000 I have a web show that I do every week.
00:49:18.000 Oh, you do?
00:49:18.000 Do you want to be a guest on it?
00:49:19.000 Hell yeah! 0.95
00:49:20.000 Of course, I would love to.
00:49:21.000 I just sound off on why people are wrong every Monday.
00:49:23.000 What is it?
00:49:24.000 What do you do?
00:49:24.000 It's called The Weekly News.
00:49:25.000 The Weekly News.
00:49:26.000 Go to, if you want to type it in.
00:49:28.000 Go to thestream as in water, thestream.tv slash...
00:49:31.000 And then put swimsuit or underwear.
00:49:33.000 Weekly, W-E-A-K-L-Y. I've been doing it for five years. 0.94
00:49:37.000 Yep, give me more.
00:49:38.000 Stream.tv, what is the rest of it?
00:49:39.000 Slash weekly, W-E-A-K-L-Y. Demi Moore has smoked something similar to incense and was semi-conscious, barely, said the worried voice on the 911 call to get more help. 0.99
00:49:53.000 So, similar to incense. 1.00
00:49:55.000 Said the fucking idiot who thinks she smoked incense. 1.00
00:49:57.000 The closest thing to similar to incense is salvia. 1.00
00:50:00.000 You think?
00:50:00.000 A hundred percent.
00:50:02.000 She smoked salvia.
00:50:03.000 She did it in Ari Shafir, where she went to a different world, you know. 0.99
00:50:06.000 I don't know if you ever saw that video.
00:50:07.000 It was awesome.
00:50:08.000 Similar to incense.
00:50:10.000 Sage.
00:50:10.000 Yeah.
00:50:11.000 That's what Salvia is.
00:50:12.000 Yes, it's Salvia.
00:50:13.000 And so she went to the other world, which you can easily do DMT style.
00:50:17.000 I mean, you can get pretty close to DMT kind of effects from it.
00:50:21.000 But my question is, maybe her body had a little stroke because of it or something, because of her age?
00:50:28.000 She's not that old, man. 0.88
00:50:30.000 She's just kind of old for a hot chick. 1.00
00:50:32.000 She's not old like she's in trouble.
00:50:34.000 The only reason is that I say that because after 10 minutes, 15 minutes, you usually are fine.
00:50:39.000 So unless the ambulance is right next door.
00:50:41.000 We don't know what else she takes.
00:50:43.000 We don't know what else she takes.
00:50:44.000 You're totally speculating.
00:50:46.000 Something similar to incense does sound like salvia because sage, the plant sage, is something that people frequently burn. 0.99
00:50:54.000 It's like ward off spirits and shit. 0.98
00:50:56.000 Sage is the salvia plant. 0.99
00:50:58.000 It's like the same plant.
00:51:00.000 Okay, whoever was with her would know what she was doing.
00:51:03.000 So they're obviously covering up the fact that she was doing something that they don't want the public to know about.
00:51:07.000 No one calls.
00:51:08.000 Something similar to smoking incense.
00:51:10.000 No one would say that. 1.00
00:51:11.000 That's such a ridiculous thing to pull out of your ass. 0.99
00:51:14.000 I just don't think they want to advertise that it was salve because it's still legal in most states and they just don't want to advertise it at all. 1.00
00:51:22.000 That's right.
00:51:22.000 That's a good point.
00:51:23.000 That's a very good point.
00:51:24.000 Because if it was an actual illegal drug, they would want to know what that drug was.
00:51:27.000 That makes a lot of sense, dude. 0.99
00:51:30.000 You should be a fucking detective. 1.00
00:51:31.000 I know. 1.00
00:51:33.000 You should really, for CSI or something...
00:51:37.000 You totally did the math there.
00:51:38.000 Yeah.
00:51:38.000 Yeah, because if it was anything else, if it was like, you know, she was smoking cocaine, like, whoa, they would tell you, hey, this is a sensational story.
00:51:45.000 Poor girl, she's smoking cocaine. 1.00
00:51:47.000 But she's smoking something similar to incense, and that's why she... 1.00
00:51:50.000 Salvia can fuck your world up. 0.97
00:51:52.000 All you have to do is look at that video of Ari on your... 1.00
00:51:55.000 Or me.
00:51:56.000 Or you.
00:51:56.000 Talking about my face.
00:51:57.000 But when Ari was on your show. 1.00
00:51:59.000 Yeah.
00:51:59.000 Oh, yeah.
00:52:00.000 When he was on your show, and he did Salvia, and just melted into everybody.
00:52:04.000 Yep.
00:52:04.000 Yeah.
00:52:05.000 And he was cuddling up with Sam.
00:52:06.000 It was so cute.
00:52:07.000 And if somebody talked to her to doing that, and she's not used to psychedelics, if she hasn't had a psychedelic experience.
00:52:12.000 If she's not used to something, and she had a bad trip, and maybe she's on some other things.
00:52:16.000 Or it could also be that it ignited some horrible insecurity in her, too.
00:52:20.000 Yeah.
00:52:20.000 And she had a panic attack.
00:52:21.000 What does she have to be insecure about?
00:52:23.000 I'm totally kidding.
00:52:25.000 That's so cute.
00:52:26.000 I love when you do that.
00:52:27.000 I typed in thestream.tv the weekly, but it says...
00:52:31.000 No, not the weekly.
00:52:31.000 Thestream.tv slash.
00:52:33.000 Slash.
00:52:34.000 W-E-A-K-O-Y. No, the. 1.00
00:52:35.000 Just weekly.
00:52:36.000 Oh, weekly.
00:52:37.000 Take out the the. 0.92
00:52:38.000 W-E-A? K-O-Y, yeah. 0.98
00:52:39.000 Oh, okay.
00:52:40.000 Because I don't have a strong point of view. 1.00
00:52:41.000 I got E. Okay, you crazy bitch. 1.00
00:52:44.000 I gotcha. 1.00
00:52:45.000 We did one on Monday.
00:52:48.000 The weekly news.
00:52:49.000 Powerful.
00:52:50.000 And so you do this every week?
00:52:52.000 Every Monday we have a studio.
00:52:54.000 And it's a network and there's other shows on there.
00:52:56.000 And we've been doing it for about five years.
00:52:57.000 Oh, really?
00:52:58.000 Yeah, I do it every week.
00:52:59.000 You know, eventually this is going to be a television station, huh?
00:53:03.000 I mean, that is the future.
00:53:04.000 Yeah, and he's got some...
00:53:06.000 The owner of the thing has got some pretty cool things going.
00:53:09.000 But that's my little forum.
00:53:11.000 Cool.
00:53:12.000 Alright, we'll tell people to go there.
00:53:13.000 Do you want to come on it? 1.00
00:53:14.000 Fuck yeah, for sure. 1.00
00:53:15.000 Do you want to come on it? 1.00
00:53:16.000 Sure.
00:53:17.000 Boom, it's done.
00:53:18.000 We just made a date.
00:53:20.000 We have a segment called Who Should Be Shot, where we argue the lesser of two evils.
00:53:23.000 It usually has to do with who should be shot, the supplier or the demander, and then we talk about something.
00:53:27.000 Right.
00:53:28.000 So you can either.
00:53:29.000 You can pick which side you're on.
00:53:31.000 Wow, the supplier or the demander?
00:53:33.000 For specific things.
00:53:34.000 For terrible things, like guns or something like that?
00:53:36.000 Well, no, it's not as heavy-handed.
00:53:38.000 Like last week, I was talking about how much I hate chocolate fountains.
00:53:41.000 So who should be shot? 1.00
00:53:42.000 The fat fucks that wait in line or the caterer that's like, ooh, chocolate fountains. 1.00
00:53:45.000 Let me give you one. 1.00
00:53:46.000 I like chocolate fountains.
00:53:48.000 Why is it bad?
00:53:49.000 Strawberries with chocolate is yummy.
00:53:51.000 That's fine, but then people start to get into like, oh, what else can I dip in this? 1.00
00:53:55.000 How about my dick? 1.00
00:53:57.000 Just gross stuff. 1.00
00:53:58.000 And by the end, it's all like there's garbage in it. 0.95
00:54:01.000 I think you're partying with the wrong people.
00:54:03.000 Yeah, like Golden Corral.
00:54:04.000 Yeah, I have to stop hanging out with those people.
00:54:06.000 Golden Corral, what is that?
00:54:07.000 That's where they have a chocolate fountain.
00:54:09.000 What's the Golden Corral?
00:54:09.000 It's a buffet for poor people.
00:54:11.000 Where is that?
00:54:12.000 It's probably out somewhere in the valley.
00:54:14.000 It's like a family, like a hometown buffet.
00:54:17.000 Oh, like a restaurant?
00:54:17.000 No, like a...
00:54:19.000 What would it be like?
00:54:22.000 Like a...
00:54:23.000 You never heard of Hometown Buffet?
00:54:25.000 Or like a Bob Evans.
00:54:27.000 It's like a place...
00:54:28.000 A lot of food for a little money.
00:54:30.000 Right.
00:54:30.000 Not super nice, but...
00:54:31.000 I'm trying to think of some names in different places like that, but they escape me.
00:54:35.000 It's like less nice than a red lobster.
00:54:36.000 Sizzler.
00:54:37.000 Yeah, kind of like that.
00:54:38.000 Yeah, it's like a little bit nicer to sizzler.
00:54:40.000 And their big thing is that they have a chocolate fountain.
00:54:42.000 Well, that's not what I'm talking about.
00:54:44.000 I'm talking about if you go to somebody's dope party...
00:54:47.000 And they got a chocolate fountain. 0.98
00:54:48.000 You ever go to someone's party that just goes ridiculous? 0.93
00:54:50.000 Yeah. 0.91
00:54:51.000 I went to this dude's party.
00:54:52.000 He had this crazy party in Malibu.
00:54:54.000 And he's like some super, super billionaire type character.
00:54:58.000 And he had brought in snow.
00:54:59.000 And the whole hill was covered in snow.
00:55:02.000 And people were sledding.
00:55:03.000 That's awesome.
00:55:04.000 You guys have that here.
00:55:05.000 At the entrance to your little community you live in, there's a big thing that says Snow Day.
00:55:08.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:09.000 Is that to make up for it?
00:55:10.000 That's like for the whole community.
00:55:12.000 No.
00:55:12.000 They'll bring in snow.
00:55:13.000 Yeah, they bring in snow.
00:55:14.000 This dude had it in his house, though.
00:55:15.000 Just for his?
00:55:15.000 In his yard.
00:55:16.000 He had a ramp built.
00:55:17.000 It was constructed because he didn't have enough of a grade for a hill, so he built it up as a giant ramp.
00:55:24.000 Is the snow there just for the party or all the time?
00:55:26.000 Just for the party.
00:55:26.000 That's cool.
00:55:27.000 Yeah, it was crazy. 0.99
00:55:28.000 He had so much shit going on, but no chocolate fountain. 1.00
00:55:32.000 No chocolate. 1.00
00:55:32.000 So I was like, what's this bitch at? 1.00
00:55:35.000 Let's party with no chocolate found. 0.99
00:55:37.000 And I think they've become so pedestrian.
00:55:39.000 Like, everyone has them now.
00:55:40.000 Really?
00:55:41.000 I'm like, I wouldn't want it.
00:55:42.000 I love them with strawberries.
00:55:43.000 I think strawberries are delicious.
00:55:45.000 It's not the same.
00:55:46.000 It's not the same. 0.99
00:55:49.000 It's shitty chocolate. 0.88
00:55:51.000 I have a blog about it, so I don't want to repeat my blog. 0.95
00:55:53.000 Well, repeat it, because I'm not going to read it.
00:55:55.000 No, no, no.
00:55:55.000 I'm just saying, like, I don't want it to look like I read my blog and then I go out and I like...
00:55:59.000 It's okay.
00:56:00.000 It's like chocolate pellets that you can buy at like Michael's.
00:56:05.000 No, you buy them at the grocery store.
00:56:06.000 No, not like that.
00:56:07.000 It's like a special kind of chocolate.
00:56:08.000 It's just gross.
00:56:10.000 It's just not the good chocolate.
00:56:11.000 It's not the good chocolate. 0.96
00:56:12.000 If you had like Ghirardelli dark chocolate, some fucking badass chocolate and that was melted, would you be down? 0.96
00:56:19.000 No. 0.98
00:56:19.000 Because I also don't like chocolate. 0.98
00:56:20.000 You, what?
00:56:21.000 What?
00:56:22.000 I'm tolerating. 1.00
00:56:22.000 Alright, show us your cock. 1.00
00:56:23.000 Oh my god, she's such a strange woman. 1.00
00:56:25.000 She is.
00:56:26.000 I don't want chocolate.
00:56:26.000 So strange.
00:56:28.000 I don't like chocolate.
00:56:28.000 With her dog substitute for a child that she carries with her everywhere she goes.
00:56:33.000 Fucking hating chocolate. 1.00
00:56:35.000 I love candy. 1.00
00:56:36.000 Dumping men.
00:56:38.000 Undefeated streak of man dumping.
00:56:40.000 She's undefeated.
00:56:41.000 She's undefeated streak of man dumping and she carries a dog everywhere with her. 1.00
00:56:44.000 Do you mimic nursing with that dog ever?
00:56:47.000 I wish I could say that I not only gave birth to her, but that I nursed her.
00:56:53.000 I nursed you.
00:56:57.000 Do you have the urge to reproduce?
00:57:00.000 I would like to have a baby one day.
00:57:02.000 If you could have a baby with that dog.
00:57:04.000 One dude that you decide to keep around.
00:57:06.000 That I mate with.
00:57:07.000 Because I'm going to have just a stunning child.
00:57:09.000 Just say, listen, you've been picked for your genetics and intelligence, but don't tell me what to do.
00:57:15.000 Here, we're going to make a baby together. 1.00
00:57:16.000 I'm going to kill him at the death cock. 1.00
00:57:18.000 What is it called? 1.00
00:57:19.000 The death boner. 0.81
00:57:19.000 Death boner. 0.81
00:57:20.000 No. 0.99
00:57:21.000 What if you already jerked off that day and he's got nothing left for you? 0.99
00:57:25.000 What if he just threw it at you? 0.99
00:57:26.000 Then you don't jerk off. 0.99
00:57:26.000 What? 0.99
00:57:31.000 I'd like to have a baby.
00:57:33.000 Would you, for sure?
00:57:34.000 Yeah.
00:57:34.000 I think it gets weird when...
00:57:36.000 You don't want to be the girl that's nagging your boyfriend about it or something.
00:57:40.000 You don't want to be the girl that talks about it all the time.
00:57:41.000 But I think, you know, we are genetically predisposed as women.
00:57:45.000 We're maternal and we do want that one day.
00:57:47.000 That's why I take care of this little dog.
00:57:48.000 But I don't...
00:57:48.000 It's not like on my mind.
00:57:50.000 Like, I'm just going to baby soon.
00:57:51.000 Get ready.
00:57:52.000 It happens.
00:57:53.000 Do you ever draw pictures of what you want your baby to look like or anything weird like that?
00:57:57.000 No.
00:57:57.000 Who does that?
00:57:59.000 What the fuck, Brian? 1.00
00:58:00.000 It's so weird. 1.00
00:58:01.000 Is that what your black girlfriend does? 1.00
00:58:02.000 Between hot oil treatments? 1.00
00:58:04.000 The feeling of longing to have children seem creepy as fuck. 1.00
00:58:09.000 If anybody could make that the most beautiful of natural urges seem creepy as fuck, it's you picturing some fucking crazy lady sitting there sketching out what she wants her kid's teeth to be shaped like. 1.00
00:58:24.000 Some girls are like that, I think. 1.00
00:58:25.000 You fucking nut. 1.00
00:58:26.000 Yeah, well, that's the thing, man. 1.00
00:58:27.000 Some people like anything. 1.00
00:58:29.000 There's a lot of people that like all kinds of crazy shit. 0.99
00:58:32.000 You know, that's one of the weirdest things about growing up is experiencing the different things that people not only tolerate, but actually love. 1.00
00:58:39.000 And then you try to bring them up with another person. 0.98
00:58:41.000 Like, get the fuck out of here. 0.97
00:58:42.000 They get angry at you. 0.99
00:58:43.000 You know?
00:58:44.000 Does anyone do that?
00:58:46.000 I do it all the time.
00:58:47.000 I draw my way to what I want my baby to look like.
00:58:49.000 Give me a two-year-old.
00:58:50.000 I was going to say, I'm sure somebody has.
00:58:53.000 For sure, somebody must have.
00:58:55.000 They must have.
00:58:56.000 All babies are a little weird looking at first.
00:58:58.000 Sure.
00:58:58.000 They're mushy.
00:58:59.000 Well, they're terrified, too.
00:59:00.000 You look at a terrified object, you're like, oh, Jesus, poor little thing.
00:59:04.000 Yeah.
00:59:04.000 They have, like, dry skin sometimes.
00:59:06.000 Yeah.
00:59:06.000 Little rashes.
00:59:07.000 Sometimes. 0.99
00:59:07.000 And you're like, what the fuck's going on here? 0.99
00:59:09.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:59:10.000 It's very tricky, man.
00:59:11.000 Raising little babies is very tricky.
00:59:12.000 Keeping them from diseases and getting them shots, you know?
00:59:17.000 I'm sure.
00:59:17.000 I can't even get Blanche not to eat cat poop.
00:59:19.000 I can't imagine like...
00:59:20.000 Same here.
00:59:21.000 You gotta watch him every step.
00:59:23.000 Like my one and a half year old is just now at the stage where I can let her get like one or two feet in front of me. 1.00
00:59:30.000 Without her doing something stupid. 0.98
00:59:31.000 Yeah, but I gotta be right there, right there. 0.99
00:59:33.000 What are you doing?
00:59:34.000 What's going on?
00:59:35.000 And then maybe sometimes she'll be in an area where she can't mess anything up.
00:59:38.000 She's wandering around the bathroom like, okay, I got an eye on you.
00:59:41.000 I'll let you walk a little.
00:59:42.000 But you have to always be right there in case you're like, what is this?
00:59:44.000 I lick this and I stick it in there.
00:59:46.000 Yeah. 0.67
00:59:47.000 They don't know.
00:59:48.000 They don't know anything.
00:59:49.000 They're babies.
00:59:50.000 Isn't it crazy how you have that desire to protect her?
00:59:54.000 It's not hard for you to make sure she's safe.
00:59:56.000 It's a natural instinct.
00:59:58.000 People who don't have children really have no idea what the experience is like.
01:00:01.000 It's so hard to describe.
01:00:02.000 I thought I could kind of guess what it would be like before I actually had kids.
01:00:07.000 I would think, yeah, it's probably just a really intense love.
01:00:10.000 It's probably really hard to probably...
01:00:12.000 Test your patience.
01:00:15.000 It's not like that at all.
01:00:16.000 You actually get love and pleasure from it.
01:00:19.000 That's what I didn't understand.
01:00:20.000 I thought even the difficult times of raising kids, I thought it would be stressful and it would be something you would regret.
01:00:29.000 But you get so much love from it.
01:00:31.000 It's so fun.
01:00:33.000 It's rewarding.
01:00:34.000 That's what I didn't anticipate.
01:00:36.000 The fun involved in raising kids.
01:00:39.000 It's like If you're enjoying it and you're enjoying raising them and talking to them and hanging out with them and playing with them, it's so rewarding.
01:00:48.000 I didn't anticipate that.
01:00:49.000 I thought it was just going to be loving but difficult.
01:00:54.000 It's so much different than I ever thought it would be.
01:00:55.000 Do you think you thought that initially?
01:00:57.000 I mean, the fact that this is not a slight against men.
01:01:00.000 Women are obviously more in tune with being maternal and mothers and all that stuff. 1.00
01:01:04.000 So it's not about being a guy, but do you think being a comic?
01:01:07.000 Because when I watch comics that are fathers, reluctant fathers, not everyone planned to have a kid, I always get the vibe that people hate their marriages, hate their kids.
01:01:16.000 And so that's always the way I felt like comics were like, oh, I got this kid, oh, my kid's annoying.
01:01:21.000 And I'm like, do you think you felt that way because a lot of your friends or whoever you would watch when you were coming up had a disdain toward being...
01:01:29.000 A father? 0.99
01:01:29.000 Well, I think as comics, we all can speak for the whole group and say that we're pretty much all fucked up. 0.99
01:01:37.000 And super selfish. 1.00
01:01:38.000 Yeah, super selfish and fucked up in one way or another. 1.00
01:01:41.000 I don't know. 1.00
01:01:43.000 Everybody's got their own little kink.
01:01:44.000 And for most of us, it came from our childhood. 0.95
01:01:49.000 Most of us, it came from either parents splitting up or being ignored or weird shit that makes you want, not all of us, but the vast majority. 0.96
01:02:01.000 Validation and attention. 0.77
01:02:01.000 Yeah, sure. 0.77
01:02:02.000 And then the overwhelming need to do it so much so that you're willing to risk your self-esteem by going on stage in front of strangers.
01:02:09.000 Right.
01:02:09.000 And I think when you've been through that, you're automatically apprehensive as a potential parent of recreating that same sort of environment that you had to experience when you were a child.
01:02:22.000 So you're really reluctant to be in some situation where you're going to fuck up the same way someone fucked up with you. 0.97
01:02:28.000 Oh, that's one way of looking at it. 0.99
01:02:29.000 That is exactly how I looked at it.
01:02:31.000 And then there's also the part of being connected to this other person.
01:02:35.000 Like responsible for them.
01:02:37.000 Not the baby.
01:02:37.000 The other person that you mate with.
01:02:39.000 Because you have to choose that wisely. 1.00
01:02:41.000 Because I have friends that have had babies with fucking crazy people. 1.00
01:02:45.000 And their life is chaos. 1.00
01:02:47.000 Their life is craziness, and the woman is constantly fucking with them and trying to make them jealous and doing horrible things and saying bad things to the kids. 0.99
01:02:55.000 And it's just constant chaos. 0.99
01:02:56.000 And then he's got to always deal with the new boyfriends and all these new guys that are around his kids.
01:03:02.000 I've seen people that have had kids with the wrong person, and it's just been a disaster.
01:03:08.000 So there's that, too.
01:03:09.000 It's so weird because...
01:03:12.000 In my early 20s, that's when you're on your own for the first time, and you're whatever, out in, we'll say, LA. And I would watch these male comics, and a lot of them, and I'm sure you and I know several, we have several in common, where some guy, probably in his 40s, just effed some woman, and she happened to be the one that stuck around, so now he's married.
01:03:31.000 And he's like, you never hear him talk about his wife, he kind of doesn't like her, or he had sex with a crazy girl, and now they have a kid. 0.92
01:03:37.000 And he likes the kid, but he hates the woman. 1.00
01:03:40.000 And I think Men get to dictate the way society feels about marriage because just being the stronger of the sexes and whatever guys like is always the cooler thing. 0.74
01:03:51.000 No one ever wants to do the girl stuff. 1.00
01:03:53.000 What do you mean by that?
01:03:54.000 Like, women always want to wear men's clothing. 1.00
01:03:56.000 Women want to go where the guys are. 1.00
01:03:58.000 Oh, I see.
01:03:58.000 It's always like guys, you know, girls always want to be part of the boys club.
01:04:02.000 No guys knocking down the door to get in the girls club. 1.00
01:04:04.000 Yeah.
01:04:05.000 Women like to be part of the, you know, we want, our comedy is, you know, like male-centric and everything we do, we want to be one of the guys and taken seriously like men.
01:04:12.000 So the view on kids and marriage, you... 1.00
01:04:16.000 At least as a comic, I'm watching them, and they seem so unhappy, so it all of a sudden becomes, like, uncool to have a baby, and I've noticed a lot of girls saying things like, I don't want to have kids, I don't want to get married, I don't want to be in a relationship, the fuck you don't! 1.00
01:04:30.000 You have to, of course you do! 0.99
01:04:32.000 It's just become the thing du jour to say that you don't want that, because women think men find it more attractive.
01:04:38.000 Wow, how many women are running that game? 1.00
01:04:41.000 So many.
01:04:42.000 Just running around pretending they don't want relationships.
01:04:44.000 That, or they think they don't.
01:04:45.000 I mean, I host a dating show.
01:04:46.000 Right.
01:04:47.000 And I hear girls all the time, and I'm looking at it. 1.00
01:04:49.000 You're a skank whore. 1.00
01:04:50.000 Like, I'm looking at your eyeliner job. 1.00
01:04:51.000 Like, I can tell that you suck dick a lot. 1.00
01:04:54.000 Wait, eyeliner tells you that they suck a lot of hair? 1.00
01:04:56.000 Yeah, it depends the way you apply it.
01:04:58.000 Will you write a book?
01:04:59.000 I'd love to.
01:04:59.000 For the rest of us?
01:05:00.000 You're going to wear white eyeliner?
01:05:02.000 Let's get serious.
01:05:03.000 Really? 1.00
01:05:04.000 Okay, a girl with white eyeliner, she'll suck your dick. 1.00
01:05:06.000 Lashes? 1.00
01:05:07.000 That sounds like Joey Diaz.
01:05:08.000 Lashes depends. 0.75
01:05:09.000 It depends on the way of your makeup.
01:05:11.000 But I can tell by what you're wearing.
01:05:12.000 I can tell.
01:05:13.000 And then you hear them and they're like, I don't want a relationship.
01:05:15.000 I don't want a guy checking up on me.
01:05:17.000 You want the right guy.
01:05:18.000 You're not immune to it.
01:05:20.000 And you say that because you want to draw the guy in.
01:05:24.000 Like, oh, I'm totally cool.
01:05:25.000 I'm totally...
01:05:25.000 Oh, that's what it is.
01:05:27.000 No woman... 1.00
01:05:28.000 I mean, I like my space.
01:05:29.000 But I would be upset if the man I was dating, like, never called me.
01:05:33.000 Yeah, right?
01:05:34.000 That'd be weird.
01:05:36.000 Have you lived with dudes?
01:05:38.000 Yes.
01:05:39.000 How many?
01:05:40.000 At a time?
01:05:41.000 No.
01:05:44.000 I had a boyfriend.
01:05:46.000 We lived together when I was 25 for about a year.
01:05:48.000 And then I had a boyfriend who visited for a summer.
01:05:51.000 And then I have a boyfriend who's from...
01:05:54.000 So months on end.
01:05:55.000 But never like we both signed the lease.
01:05:58.000 That kills it when you're young.
01:06:00.000 When you're young, you get so bored.
01:06:03.000 You should never do that when you're like 20. No.
01:06:05.000 I did that when I was 21. It totally killed our relationship.
01:06:08.000 I really loved her before that.
01:06:10.000 She was fun.
01:06:10.000 Living together though, I was like, oh, this is a disaster.
01:06:13.000 I guess it depends on the girl.
01:06:14.000 I probably am the messier.
01:06:16.000 I tend to date guys that are opposite me.
01:06:18.000 So I enjoy living with someone because it's nice to have someone to hang out with and talk to.
01:06:23.000 That's nice if you find a good person, but it's very difficult to do when you're 20, 20, 21. You're still a fucking child. 1.00
01:06:29.000 You don't even know how crazy you are until you live with somebody. 1.00
01:06:31.000 Totally. 0.99
01:06:32.000 And then they let you know how crazy you are. 1.00
01:06:33.000 You're like, oh yeah, I'm fucking crazy. 0.96
01:06:35.000 I've done it as of late, and it's great because then, like as a girl, if you like to bake, then you can bake for them and you don't have to eat it because guys will eat anything. 0.97
01:06:42.000 Wow, you like to bake and not eat things?
01:06:44.000 I love baking.
01:06:46.000 It's so funny.
01:06:46.000 It's cathartic.
01:06:47.000 Wow.
01:06:47.000 It's so fascinating listening to your point of view as an intelligent woman explain to us The traps the chicks set up that we already suspected.
01:06:56.000 We all knew it.
01:06:57.000 We've had these conversations with ourselves.
01:06:59.000 I go, dude, tell me.
01:07:00.000 When a girl says to you, I don't want a relationship, what are you thinking? 1.00
01:07:04.000 She's telling you we can fuck. 1.00
01:07:05.000 That's what she said. 1.00
01:07:06.000 It means two things.
01:07:07.000 She probably doesn't like it.
01:07:08.000 If you're maybe gone on a couple times, she's like, I'm just not ready.
01:07:10.000 She doesn't like you.
01:07:11.000 She's not into you.
01:07:12.000 Or it's a lure.
01:07:14.000 If she likes you and she's like, no, I'm totally cool.
01:07:16.000 She might be a cool girl, but she does want a relationship. 1.00
01:07:19.000 No girl wants to be cool with you just sleeping with other girls and stuff like that. 1.00
01:07:23.000 If she does, she's got dad issues.
01:07:25.000 What about girls where it's the one hot girl that has all these guy friends? 0.99
01:07:31.000 I can't do that.
01:07:31.000 You know those girls?
01:07:32.000 That's the worst.
01:07:33.000 That's a weird one.
01:07:33.000 I'm a tomboy!
01:07:35.000 That is what I wrote my Cosmo article on.
01:07:37.000 I have that in there.
01:07:38.000 Oh, really?
01:07:39.000 Yeah.
01:07:40.000 First of all...
01:07:41.000 We both are really together.
01:07:42.000 Yeah, right?
01:07:44.000 Speaking as the girl who has always been the tomboy and always had guy friends, when you have a serious significant other, it takes the place of the relationship you form with a lot of guys.
01:07:57.000 Because you have that male influence in your life.
01:07:59.000 You don't...
01:08:00.000 You can't just ditch your friends.
01:08:01.000 You seem to need it more than most.
01:08:02.000 You're very aggressive.
01:08:03.000 I am.
01:08:04.000 Yeah.
01:08:05.000 What's that about?
01:08:06.000 You're womanly. 1.00
01:08:07.000 You're not like dykey, but you're very aggressive. 1.00
01:08:09.000 Yeah.
01:08:10.000 What is that about?
01:08:10.000 I don't know.
01:08:11.000 But it's a warm, friendly aggression.
01:08:14.000 Like, I never feel creepy around you.
01:08:15.000 You're always friendly.
01:08:17.000 But, like, I can tell that you're like...
01:08:18.000 Like a friendly animal.
01:08:19.000 Yeah, well, you're like...
01:08:20.000 You would have been a good competitor in something athletic.
01:08:23.000 I know.
01:08:23.000 If I wasn't afraid of getting punched in the face, I could have been a really good fighter.
01:08:26.000 Oh, well, you just got to learn jujitsu.
01:08:28.000 Get a good clinch, high guard.
01:08:30.000 Do a video game?
01:08:30.000 And start slowly with a good trainer.
01:08:32.000 I'm not that.
01:08:33.000 How old are you now?
01:08:34.000 I'm 28. Damn, it's not too late. 0.98
01:08:36.000 You can still get in there. 0.99
01:08:37.000 Not even Mario Kart?
01:08:38.000 No, I don't do video games.
01:08:39.000 I don't care.
01:08:40.000 Are you strong?
01:08:40.000 I'm really strong.
01:08:41.000 Really?
01:08:42.000 I'm not stronger than you.
01:08:43.000 Yeah, but I'm a man.
01:08:44.000 You don't have to fight guys that are men.
01:08:46.000 I don't know.
01:08:46.000 We're not the same weight class either.
01:08:47.000 Can I punch?
01:08:48.000 Yes.
01:08:48.000 Yeah?
01:08:49.000 I've never had to.
01:08:50.000 Pretty confident.
01:08:50.000 If somebody taught you how to do it, you could throw a technique.
01:08:53.000 I could kill my dog. 1.00
01:08:55.000 Kill your dog? 1.00
01:08:56.000 Your dog's this tiny little thing. 1.00
01:08:56.000 I could kill my dog and your cat. 1.00
01:08:58.000 Whoa. 1.00
01:08:59.000 I bet your kid killed my cat, not the male. 1.00
01:09:01.000 I bet he would fuck you up. 1.00
01:09:02.000 I actually wanted to take a class. 1.00
01:09:05.000 I bet you would think you'd kill him until you grabbed him and he started...
01:09:07.000 The cat? 1.00
01:09:08.000 Once they bite you, we're such pussies. 1.00
01:09:10.000 If a cat was trying to kill you, if a cat was trying to kill you... 1.00
01:09:14.000 I'd kill a fucking cat. 1.00
01:09:15.000 You think so? 1.00
01:09:15.000 No, not a cat. 1.00
01:09:16.000 Stop.
01:09:16.000 If he got a hold of your neck, what if he got a hold of your neck?
01:09:19.000 Yeah, and then you pile-drive it into the concrete.
01:09:21.000 Yeah, but what if you're both dead?
01:09:23.000 What if you're both dead? 0.99
01:09:24.000 You get a boner and you're gone. 0.99
01:09:26.000 It's a wrap. 1.00
01:09:27.000 Fuck the cat. 1.00
01:09:27.000 I would take, I should have asked, I want to take like a class. 1.00
01:09:30.000 I would go, maybe I'll tape it.
01:09:31.000 I'll go, I want to take like one, maybe like a boxing class.
01:09:35.000 Well, no.
01:09:36.000 If you don't tape it, what you want to do is, especially in the beginning, you need someone to stand with you and adjust things.
01:09:43.000 Like adjust your shoulders, adjust your hand position.
01:09:45.000 Because especially in the beginning, it's very important that you learn with proper technique.
01:09:49.000 Because the foundation, the principles that you learn, the habits that you form in the beginning, a lot of times they stick with guys and they get really good.
01:09:56.000 So when they get tired, they go back to their shitty technique.
01:09:59.000 So you have to learn correctly from the beginning.
01:10:02.000 You don't want to have to correct yourself so you're thinking while you're out there.
01:10:05.000 So from the beginning, you only want to do it one way, the correct way.
01:10:07.000 So if you really want to learn how to do it, where do you live?
01:10:10.000 Well, don't tell me on the air.
01:10:11.000 I live in Hollywood. 1.00
01:10:12.000 What the fuck are you doing? 1.00
01:10:14.000 They're going to find you, man! 1.00
01:10:16.000 Why do you live in the devil's ball sack?
01:10:19.000 Why do you live right there?
01:10:20.000 Just because you live in a really nice neighborhood.
01:10:22.000 Yeah, but Hollywood's taking it dirty. 1.00
01:10:24.000 I'm surprised that you're not like...
01:10:26.000 Where do you live?
01:10:27.000 Burbank.
01:10:27.000 With your cat pee mattress.
01:10:29.000 Burbank.
01:10:29.000 Get out of here.
01:10:31.000 Exactly. 1.00
01:10:32.000 If the valley is saying, Burbank is in his butthole. 0.96
01:10:37.000 Burbank is a nice place. 0.96
01:10:38.000 It's a nice place to go to dinner.
01:10:39.000 It's relaxing. 0.99
01:10:40.000 I don't have to worry about people fucking peeing on me. 0.99
01:10:42.000 How much is your rent a month? 0.99
01:10:44.000 Two-bedroom apartment is $1,400.
01:10:48.000 See, I don't have a rent.
01:10:49.000 I have a mortgage.
01:10:49.000 Oh, you own a place?
01:10:51.000 Oh, yeah.
01:10:51.000 You bought a place in Hollywood?
01:10:53.000 Did you get a condo?
01:10:54.000 It's a condo.
01:10:55.000 It's a condo?
01:10:56.000 That's not bad.
01:10:57.000 Why did you say like...
01:10:58.000 I don't know.
01:10:59.000 It's smart.
01:11:00.000 It's fine.
01:11:00.000 And the area's getting better.
01:11:02.000 It is hood.
01:11:03.000 It is ghetto, but it's fine. 1.00
01:11:04.000 It was one of those TV shows where they show the insides of people's houses, like Paris Hilton or someone famous like that.
01:11:11.000 It might not have been her, but someone had one of those apartments on Wilshire. 0.97
01:11:15.000 You know those penthouses on Wilshire Boulevard where they have valets, they have a 24-hour concierge?
01:11:20.000 Yeah, where your grandparents, like the older, all the way to Santa Monica?
01:11:24.000 Yeah.
01:11:24.000 On the way to Santa Monica.
01:11:25.000 Yeah, like those really nice ones.
01:11:26.000 Yeah, those super duper luxury apartments.
01:11:29.000 This was the dopest view.
01:11:31.000 I didn't know what kind of view these are.
01:11:32.000 There's no views like this in LA. And it's so high that you're way up there in this tower looking over the city.
01:11:39.000 I'm like, wow. 0.99
01:11:40.000 I'm not really into living in the city, but if I was, this would be the shit. 0.99
01:11:44.000 That area is great. 0.99
01:11:45.000 I feel like it's where your grandparents live, though.
01:11:47.000 I would want to have an office in that place.
01:11:50.000 I looked at it and the thing I thought of was I would want to buy one of those apartments and use it as an office.
01:11:54.000 That'd be amazing.
01:11:55.000 But they're really expensive. 1.00
01:11:56.000 They're stupid. 1.00
01:11:57.000 They're like 20 million bucks or something crazy. 1.00
01:11:59.000 It's on the west side?
01:12:00.000 Is that bad?
01:12:00.000 Why is the west side bad?
01:12:01.000 There's no comedy clubs over there.
01:12:03.000 That's true.
01:12:04.000 For the most part, everything I need is in Hollywood.
01:12:07.000 That kind of dictated where I bought something.
01:12:09.000 I like to be close.
01:12:10.000 You have the luxury of living farther out.
01:12:13.000 You have a bit more control over your career than I do.
01:12:16.000 You have to go into Hollywood all the time.
01:12:18.000 I do shows almost every night.
01:12:21.000 You have your gig set up.
01:12:23.000 You're not auditioning like a crazy person.
01:12:26.000 I moved out here a long time ago.
01:12:27.000 I don't want to live in Burbank.
01:12:29.000 Gross.
01:12:30.000 Why? 0.97
01:12:31.000 Burbank, it's not cool.
01:12:33.000 It's not living to be cool, though.
01:12:35.000 I'm living just to have a quiet...
01:12:36.000 I can go in my backyard and be quiet at night.
01:12:38.000 I can have parking everywhere.
01:12:41.000 I have a backyard.
01:12:42.000 Fenced in.
01:12:43.000 Okay, cool.
01:12:43.000 So you can just plan your funeral now.
01:12:46.000 Plan your funeral now?
01:12:47.000 What are you talking about?
01:12:48.000 I go to Hollywood.
01:12:49.000 It takes ten minutes. 0.99
01:12:50.000 I'm on fucking sunset. 0.99
01:12:51.000 I just hang out in the sun. 0.99
01:12:52.000 Then I drive back home to my nice, quiet castle.
01:12:56.000 Instead of staying in the party.
01:12:58.000 You want to stay in the epicenter.
01:13:01.000 Yeah, you want to be up all night while people are torching your houses.
01:13:03.000 Do you like Manhattan?
01:13:04.000 Do you like that kind of city?
01:13:06.000 I love New York.
01:13:06.000 Do you really?
01:13:07.000 Would you live in Manhattan?
01:13:07.000 I would.
01:13:08.000 If I were to move there now, it wouldn't help me.
01:13:13.000 It would be like a lateral move.
01:13:14.000 I always think it's so funny.
01:13:16.000 It might actually be a step down.
01:13:18.000 Yeah, because you have to start off with the comedy clubs and everything.
01:13:20.000 I think it's so funny when I meet girls like actresses or other hosts and they're like, I'm by Coastal.
01:13:24.000 I'm like, oh really?
01:13:25.000 Is New York just calling you?
01:13:27.000 Just every month you gotta go.
01:13:29.000 I'm by Coastal.
01:13:30.000 No, you fly to Florida once a year to visit your parents.
01:13:33.000 You're not by Coastal.
01:13:34.000 I was by Coastal for about two months.
01:13:36.000 I had two apartments.
01:13:37.000 So that's legit. 1.00
01:13:38.000 But it's stupid. 1.00
01:13:38.000 I'd fly back. 1.00
01:13:39.000 I'm like, why do I even have this fucking place? 0.99
01:13:41.000 Especially when you deal with the first winter. 0.99
01:13:43.000 And you get a nice winter in California. 0.99
01:13:46.000 You're like, what the fuck am I doing? 0.99
01:13:47.000 My whole family's from New York. 0.99
01:13:49.000 Really?
01:13:49.000 Actually.
01:13:50.000 I love it.
01:13:51.000 They're all from New York City?
01:13:52.000 They're all city people?
01:13:53.000 I mean, they start there and then they're from Long Island.
01:13:55.000 Those are the very strange people who are born and raised in New York City.
01:13:59.000 In the city.
01:13:59.000 Yeah, I had an ant like that.
01:14:01.000 It's a totally different animal.
01:14:01.000 Yeah.
01:14:02.000 They don't understand a lot of parts of the world.
01:14:05.000 They don't even know what a pizza is.
01:14:07.000 A lot of them don't drive.
01:14:09.000 Yeah, a lot of them don't ever drive.
01:14:11.000 They don't ever get licenses.
01:14:12.000 Yeah, that's so weird.
01:14:13.000 So they want to go somewhere on vacation. 1.00
01:14:14.000 It's a real pain in the ass. 0.99
01:14:15.000 They have to go get a driver's license. 0.99
01:14:16.000 They have to take driving classes and learn how to drive.
01:14:19.000 And then when they're on the road somewhere, they're incompetent.
01:14:21.000 They really shouldn't be driving.
01:14:23.000 Because it's its own microcosm.
01:14:24.000 Yeah.
01:14:25.000 But I do relate to how aggressive New Yorkers are and how forceful they are when they talk.
01:14:30.000 I like that because I feel like that's how I come off.
01:14:33.000 Do you like really calm men?
01:14:36.000 Yeah.
01:14:36.000 Yeah, you like dudes who are like sweeties who want to rub your feet.
01:14:39.000 No, not like pussies or anything. 1.00
01:14:41.000 Not pussies, but... 0.99
01:14:42.000 Just very mellow. 0.99
01:14:43.000 Very mellow.
01:14:44.000 You're very much the dominant one, right?
01:14:46.000 Yeah, but I mean, I'm not like in bed, like, don't look at me!
01:14:49.000 Turn around. 0.99
01:14:50.000 Shut up. 1.00
01:14:51.000 Get on your back. 1.00
01:14:52.000 Yeah, they can be aggressive, like a quiet aggressive.
01:14:54.000 No, you can't be on top.
01:14:55.000 But you only like two minutes of a sex at a time, remember?
01:14:57.000 I just get very tired. 0.88
01:14:58.000 I have to pee a lot.
01:14:59.000 You have to pee a lot?
01:15:00.000 I can pee right now.
01:15:01.000 Do you?
01:15:02.000 You can go pee. 0.99
01:15:02.000 Who wants to have sex for like... 0.99
01:15:04.000 I went all night. 0.97
01:15:06.000 You just don't enjoy it.
01:15:07.000 Wow, you don't know.
01:15:09.000 There's girls out there that are freaks. 1.00
01:15:11.000 Yeah, they probably wear white eyeliner.
01:15:13.000 No. 0.99
01:15:13.000 Like hookers. 0.99
01:15:14.000 Why do you have to hate? 1.00
01:15:16.000 What?
01:15:16.000 Can't they just be different than you?
01:15:18.000 No.
01:15:18.000 Can't you just enjoy your two minutes and they enjoy their couple hours?
01:15:21.000 That's fair.
01:15:22.000 It's okay.
01:15:22.000 Is that okay?
01:15:23.000 Did a cowboy touch your butt when you were a child? 1.00
01:15:24.000 This girl's just like getting fucked all the time. 1.00
01:15:27.000 There's just some freaky bitches out there with crazy amounts of... 1.00
01:15:31.000 It was great. 0.99
01:15:31.000 Which one was this? 0.99
01:15:32.000 The one that you all left your podcast early.
01:15:35.000 Oh, that sad girl that sat next to you on the Ice House Chronicles podcast, right?
01:15:39.000 Yes. 1.00
01:15:39.000 Yeah, I walked in and you were like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00
01:15:42.000 Right when I walked in, you were going after her. 0.99
01:15:44.000 I was like, oh no, what do we have here?
01:15:45.000 Everyone keeps saying, you gave it to her.
01:15:47.000 I don't remember any of that.
01:15:48.000 You were polite.
01:15:50.000 You weren't being mean or anything.
01:15:51.000 I would never want to be mean to her.
01:15:52.000 But you were laughing.
01:15:53.000 There were some certain things that she was saying.
01:15:56.000 She was kidding on you.
01:15:57.000 That's all it was.
01:15:58.000 That's all it is.
01:15:59.000 It was just sad.
01:16:01.000 That really obvious struggle for attention by being overly sexual.
01:16:07.000 Right.
01:16:08.000 Too bad that podcast never was released.
01:16:10.000 Yeah, that one had to go bye-bye.
01:16:12.000 It's on YouTube.
01:16:12.000 No, it's good.
01:16:14.000 You know what?
01:16:15.000 It's fun to talk about sex, but I honestly feel that a straight-up sexual talk can be the lowest form of communication, especially between men and women.
01:16:23.000 If all else fails, you can always talk about how you get off.
01:16:27.000 And so when we go right to that, it's like, oh, we're not going to attempt to discuss anything?
01:16:31.000 All right.
01:16:32.000 Sure.
01:16:32.000 Quit hitting on me.
01:16:34.000 But I'm sure everyone listening...
01:16:35.000 Do you get hit on a lot?
01:16:36.000 By women?
01:16:37.000 No.
01:16:38.000 I don't put myself in situations where lesbians are coming at me. 1.00
01:16:42.000 No, I mean, you have to have a fan base of women that are probably lesbians. 1.00
01:16:47.000 Do you ever get girls that say, I was like you, and then I figured it out? 1.00
01:16:51.000 Fuck men. 1.00
01:16:52.000 Meet me at Sunset in the Brighton. 1.00
01:16:54.000 I don't think so.
01:16:56.000 I have lesbians that come to the show. 1.00
01:16:57.000 Really?
01:16:58.000 I mean, not like in droves, but... 0.99
01:17:00.000 Would you have sex with Rosie if it was offered? 0.99
01:17:03.000 Rosie O'Donnell? 1.00
01:17:04.000 If it was offered?
01:17:05.000 No, but I do think people are a little hard on her.
01:17:07.000 She's a heavy woman, but it's not like she's repugnant.
01:17:11.000 Whatever.
01:17:12.000 She's very nice.
01:17:13.000 I'm sure she is.
01:17:14.000 I really enjoy talking to her.
01:17:16.000 I was really looking forward to it.
01:17:18.000 I flew in really early just to do her show. 0.99
01:17:20.000 I had like a fucking 6am flight. 0.98
01:17:23.000 I mean, she's been around. 0.99
01:17:24.000 She's put in the work.
01:17:25.000 Remember?
01:17:25.000 She's nice.
01:17:26.000 Was it Exit to Eden?
01:17:27.000 What was that one with the S&M Club?
01:17:28.000 Or the hedonistic weekend? 0.99
01:17:31.000 Yeah, I remember the scene where she was dressed up in the crazy outfit with leather bullshit. 1.00
01:17:36.000 And then she was in like the Flintstones too, right? 0.99
01:17:38.000 There is no crying in baseball!
01:17:40.000 She was so good in that.
01:17:41.000 Yeah.
01:17:45.000 Is that the one where she played the mentally challenged girl on the bus?
01:17:48.000 I own that movie, Riding the Bus with My Sister.
01:17:51.000 The worst Hallmark movie.
01:17:54.000 Can I tell you my problem with this?
01:17:55.000 I lend this movie out to friends. 0.95
01:17:57.000 Hallmark sent me a three-part disc one year that had all their shitty movies. 0.96
01:18:03.000 It's Andy McDowell, who I think is the worst. 0.99
01:18:05.000 Fake, southern, like, worst thing ever. 0.99
01:18:09.000 Rosie O'Donnell is retarded in this movie, and what I don't buy about it is that she's a mean retard, and retarded people aren't mean. 1.00
01:18:16.000 She's a mean one? 1.00
01:18:17.000 She's mean and smart and sarcastic. 1.00
01:18:20.000 What?
01:18:21.000 So it's just like Rosie O'Donnell, but a little slower.
01:18:23.000 Oh, no.
01:18:25.000 Like, it was just...
01:18:26.000 Like, she was like...
01:18:27.000 You didn't like her.
01:18:29.000 Really?
01:18:29.000 Really?
01:18:29.000 She was like a mean retard.
01:18:32.000 If you watch this movie, and it just, there was nothing, her face didn't look retarded. 1.00
01:18:36.000 She was just like, bitchy. 1.00
01:18:39.000 So she was just, she came off like a stupid person. 1.00
01:18:41.000 You know, I think it's kind of insulting whenever a person who's not really mentally challenged plays. 1.00
01:18:46.000 A person who's mentally challenged. 0.98
01:18:47.000 It's like, was the movie Pacific, whatever the fuck it was, where, what's his name? 0.99
01:18:54.000 Downey, Robert Downey, says, never go full retard. 0.99
01:18:57.000 Oh, oh. 0.67
01:18:59.000 Tropical Thunder.
01:19:00.000 Tropical Pacific.
01:19:00.000 Tropical Pacific.
01:19:01.000 I knew it was Tropical.
01:19:02.000 You went to full retard because he played Simple Jack. 1.00
01:19:04.000 Simple Jack, yeah.
01:19:05.000 Never go full retard. 0.96
01:19:06.000 Never go full retard. 0.96
01:19:07.000 Come on.
01:19:07.000 I mean, it's so true.
01:19:08.000 Every time someone does.
01:19:10.000 But people try it.
01:19:11.000 Everyone thinks they're good enough to try it.
01:19:12.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:19:12.000 Even fucking Sean Penn went there. 0.99
01:19:14.000 I think they do... 1.00
01:19:15.000 You can have brain damage and not be... 0.99
01:19:17.000 Because if you're retarded, your face will look different. 1.00
01:19:19.000 And their faces are all still stunning. 0.96
01:19:21.000 You mean Down syndrome, right?
01:19:22.000 Yes. 0.85
01:19:23.000 I guess you can be retarded without having the facial deformity. 1.00
01:19:25.000 I have a problem with... 0.94
01:19:26.000 Even the word retard has been kind of extracted from the vernacular.
01:19:30.000 I shouldn't say that.
01:19:30.000 We're saying it and we're throwing it around real easy.
01:19:32.000 We're going to piss a lot of people off. 0.99
01:19:33.000 A lot of retards that listen to your podcast. 1.00
01:19:37.000 It's a tricky word now, where it didn't used to be. 0.88
01:19:39.000 And it doesn't mean Down syndrome.
01:19:41.000 Well, it does in this Rosie O'Donnell case. 0.90
01:19:43.000 Well, retarded actually means slow. 0.95
01:19:45.000 Slow. 0.97
01:19:45.000 Like, in music, you have a retard, or retardo, when things go slow. 0.97
01:19:48.000 So, take it up with the Italians. 0.99
01:19:50.000 Well, it should, not only that, the, you know, the fire has been retarded. 0.99
01:19:55.000 You know, you can say that, can't you?
01:19:57.000 Is it retardant? 1.00
01:19:58.000 Is it with an N? Well, couldn't you say, yes, well, retardant, yes. 1.00
01:20:02.000 But couldn't you say the fire has been retarded? 0.99
01:20:04.000 Yeah.
01:20:05.000 Because of the gas fumes we're spraying on it, the fire's been retarded. 1.00
01:20:09.000 You could say that.
01:20:10.000 It wouldn't necessarily be... 0.98
01:20:12.000 Yo, this fire is retarded! 1.00
01:20:14.000 Yo! 1.00
01:20:17.000 This fire is crazy. 0.99
01:20:19.000 Crazy retarded, yo. 1.00
01:20:20.000 Retarded. 1.00
01:20:22.000 This is terrible.
01:20:24.000 Yeah, well, I had this woman came up to me after a show once when I used to do that bit about Noah and the Ark.
01:20:29.000 You know, I do this bit about Noah and the Ark, and the bit was that an eight-year-old retarded boy, you could tell him the story of Noah and the Ark, and he would have some questions. 0.99
01:20:38.000 And so you would tell, like, I had the best storyteller in the world who told this incredible story of Noah and the Ark, and then the eight-year-old retarded boy would go, oh, there's a lot of holes in that story, and the kid sits down and just breaks down Noah's Ark. 0.99
01:20:51.000 Yeah.
01:20:51.000 I had this woman come up to me after a show and she goes, I thought that was really funny, except the fact that I have a retarded son.
01:20:58.000 Whatever.
01:20:59.000 And I'm like, you know, I don't know what to tell you.
01:21:01.000 You know, I'm sorry.
01:21:03.000 I'm not really making fun of retarded people. 0.94
01:21:05.000 I'm sort of saying... 0.97
01:21:07.000 You're smart.
01:21:07.000 Well, I mean, I know it's...
01:21:09.000 We have to sort of admit in any...
01:21:13.000 Like, anything you do that's creative is supposed to be an expression of how you view life and culture, right?
01:21:18.000 Are we supposed to never use retarded people because they don't exist? 1.00
01:21:22.000 We can't use them as an example.
01:21:24.000 But you know what?
01:21:25.000 She was probably laughing at all the other jokes at the expense of yourself and others, so when it pertains to you, we have to make an exception? 0.92
01:21:32.000 I could see how it would suck. 0.97
01:21:33.000 There's sensitive retarded people and regular retarded people. 0.99
01:21:34.000 All retarded people are sensitive. 1.00
01:21:35.000 It's like we're now... 0.92
01:21:36.000 No, I think there's retarded people that make fun of themselves, obviously. 1.00
01:21:39.000 What I was doing, obviously, was actually including a retarded person in my act. 1.00
01:21:45.000 And that's where... 0.97
01:21:46.000 No, she's retarded for being offended. 1.00
01:21:49.000 That's stupid. 1.00
01:21:50.000 I don't know, man. 1.00
01:21:51.000 If that was your kid, you'd want someone to know that it hurts.
01:21:55.000 I understand where she was coming from.
01:21:57.000 I have a friend who's a comic, and she's very funny, and one of her sons is autistic.
01:22:01.000 And because she's a comic, she not makes fun of him, but she has a sense of humor about it.
01:22:06.000 And her email is rain mom instead of rain man.
01:22:09.000 She gets it, and she makes, not jokes at his expense, but she treats him like an adult, and...
01:22:16.000 So you can be one of those people that gets it and gets how they fit into the world, or you can be weird and be like, oh, well, he's retarded, so no one can say that. 0.97
01:22:25.000 Well, we weren't talking about her son in specific. 0.65
01:22:27.000 We were talking about me making fun of an eight-year-old retarded boy. 1.00
01:22:30.000 Yeah, I'm saying the fact that she had an issue with that is stupid. 1.00
01:22:32.000 I kind of see her point a little bit. 0.94
01:22:34.000 I stopped doing the bit because I got it onto a CD or DVD, but I would have kept doing it. 0.96
01:22:41.000 It was a fucking good bit. 0.74
01:22:42.000 I love it. 0.99
01:22:43.000 It's a good bit.
01:22:44.000 I think that's funny.
01:22:46.000 It was the point, man.
01:22:48.000 I mean, he was the hero in the bit.
01:22:49.000 Yeah, he was the smart one. 1.00
01:22:51.000 He was the one who wasn't getting fooled by this stupid fucking book. 1.00
01:22:55.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:22:55.000 Oh, coffee, yeah. 1.00
01:22:56.000 Yeah, I don't know, man.
01:22:58.000 I can see it from her point of view, especially if someone was being malicious.
01:23:02.000 No, you can't.
01:23:02.000 I mean, obviously do what you want, but you can't harp on the exception and...
01:23:07.000 That's true, too.
01:23:08.000 Comedy's about generalizing. 0.99
01:23:09.000 I know, and it would be nice if everybody had a fucking sense of humor, right? 1.00
01:23:12.000 If anybody had a retarded son, then we could all just fucking make fun of them. 1.00
01:23:17.000 Oh, Eliza, how dare you? 1.00
01:23:18.000 Every time people want to like you, you come bring it back again. 0.97
01:23:21.000 Your dog just poop on you? 1.00
01:23:22.000 And then you pet your crazy dog. 1.00
01:23:24.000 You're a crazy dog lady? 1.00
01:23:26.000 Yes, obviously. 1.00
01:23:27.000 It's fine.
01:23:27.000 You need to learn some Muay Thai, kid.
01:23:29.000 Would you be more of a grappler or a kickboxer, do you think?
01:23:32.000 I have a question of that.
01:23:33.000 Would you like to throw dukes on girls? 1.00
01:23:34.000 What do you think you'd like to choke a bitch? 1.00
01:23:36.000 I'll tell you the truth. 1.00
01:23:36.000 Tell me the truth. 1.00
01:23:37.000 I think punching is more useful, but no one expects you to kick him and take him to the ground on a Saturday night waiting in line at Hyde.
01:23:45.000 It's true.
01:23:46.000 So, I don't know.
01:23:48.000 I think I'd have to take an aptitude test, like a physical aptitude test, to see which of my limbs is quicker.
01:23:53.000 Right.
01:23:53.000 And then we'll just play to that strength.
01:23:55.000 What?
01:23:56.000 Physical aptitude test to see which of your limbs is quicker.
01:23:58.000 Like, am I better with kicking?
01:23:59.000 Am I quicker with punching?
01:24:01.000 Like, which am I better at?
01:24:02.000 Am I naturally predisposed to? 0.90
01:24:03.000 Well, the only issue with kicking is it takes a while to get good at it, and you have to think about, yeah, you're going to get kicked in the legs.
01:24:10.000 To do it correctly, you've got to learn how to leg kick, and you've got to learn how to balance.
01:24:13.000 You have to have really good balance, because otherwise someone's just going to take you down.
01:24:16.000 Absolutely.
01:24:16.000 Buy a teaser.
01:24:17.000 It's easier to take someone down when they're kicking.
01:24:19.000 Especially if you're kicking to the body.
01:24:20.000 I mean, I don't ever plan on being in a fight.
01:24:23.000 It would be nice to know how to defend myself in case somebody gets crazy.
01:24:26.000 But I don't want to get kicked in the shin.
01:24:29.000 That's good thinking.
01:24:30.000 It's good to think that way.
01:24:32.000 Yeah, you don't want to get kicked in the leg. 0.74
01:24:33.000 Getting kicked in the thighs, it's really hard.
01:24:35.000 Or a lot of times you get kicked in the calf, like the lower shin, like the fibula, the little skinny bone.
01:24:41.000 There's the tibia in the fibula. 0.99
01:24:43.000 The dudes will kick the shit out of the outside of your calf. 1.00
01:24:47.000 You know what they should do? 0.99
01:24:48.000 Instead of having tasers, they should have little necklaces with little vials that are just filled with AIDS blood, and then everyone knows what that is. 0.87
01:24:56.000 And so if somebody's attacking me, like, hey, I got my AIDS blood, don't make me throw this in your face.
01:24:59.000 Yeah, no way would I not ever spill that on myself. 0.96
01:25:03.000 Yeah, throw it in their face and their eyes and stuff.
01:25:04.000 You still wouldn't want it to happen, right?
01:25:06.000 You wouldn't want it to happen, but it's a little tiny vial.
01:25:09.000 I would take my chances.
01:25:10.000 Really? 1.00
01:25:10.000 By the time you got to your vial and opened it up, I think I'd beat your ass. 1.00
01:25:13.000 I think I would rather be tased than have AIDS blood thrown in my face, wouldn't you? 1.00
01:25:17.000 Some dude unscrewing a vial. 0.90
01:25:18.000 No, I don't think you'd get a guy with a vial.
01:25:21.000 How much is your vial?
01:25:22.000 How big is it?
01:25:23.000 No, just like a little, you know, like those little perfume samples.
01:25:26.000 Dude, if that broke on you, what if somebody opened a door on you?
01:25:29.000 Yeah.
01:25:29.000 What if it's titanium?
01:25:31.000 What if it's, you know, like a titanium?
01:25:32.000 Why? 0.94
01:25:33.000 But you'll kill someone. 0.97
01:25:34.000 Like, you'll go to jail for that if you willingly, knowingly give someone AIDS. Yeah, but if somebody's attacking you, you could just say you just threw some blood at them. 0.98
01:25:43.000 Why not just have a thing of mercury?
01:25:44.000 I'm sure that's better than, like, if somebody attacked you, you're allowed to shoot him, right?
01:25:47.000 If you say, hey, yeah, he attacked me, I threw some blood on him, I think that's less than shooting somebody that's attacking you, right? 0.99
01:25:53.000 That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. 1.00
01:25:55.000 You're one of the silliest men that's ever walked the face of the earth. 1.00
01:25:58.000 You really are. 1.00
01:25:59.000 You're saying AIDS blood probably is cheap, and, like, a guy that has AIDS could sell his own blood and make his own weapons for you, and then that could help him pay his bills for having AIDS. Whoa.
01:26:09.000 Why wouldn't you, instead of giving him AIDS, give him something that'll mess with them temporarily, like mercury poisoning.
01:26:14.000 You can't talk to him.
01:26:15.000 No, he gets this far. 1.00
01:26:16.000 He goes this far out and fucking spasms him. 1.00
01:26:19.000 Do you have AIDS and you're looking for ways to make money? 1.00
01:26:21.000 I'm trying to make money! 1.00
01:26:21.000 I need to find my AIDS blood! 1.00
01:26:23.000 His brain has AIDS. Only his brain. 0.99
01:26:26.000 It's only the part of his brain that forms sentences. 0.94
01:26:28.000 I got brain AIDS. That part has AIDS. It's a very specific form of AIDS. It only hits one area of the brain that form logical sentences. 0.99
01:26:37.000 That part has AIDS. Ever think you had AIDS? Over the time.
01:26:40.000 I had an AIDS test when I got health insurance.
01:26:43.000 The first time I had health insurance, I was like 23. I was terrified.
01:26:46.000 And you're like, even though you didn't have it, you were like nervous? 0.99
01:26:48.000 Think of all the girls who fucked without a condom. 1.00
01:26:50.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:26:51.000 Really?
01:26:51.000 Oh yeah.
01:26:51.000 When Google first came, like when Google was out.
01:26:53.000 I was living in Boston.
01:26:54.000 When you're living in Boston, you don't have time to put a condom on.
01:26:57.000 I lived in Boston.
01:26:57.000 Girls will get angry at you.
01:26:59.000 Okay, I decide you're not going to fuck me anymore. 1.00
01:27:02.000 I changed my mind. 1.00
01:27:04.000 You had to just stick it in while you could.
01:27:07.000 You had to do your best.
01:27:09.000 As quickly as you could.
01:27:10.000 Get away from those monsters.
01:27:11.000 Where are you going?
01:27:12.000 Did you live in the city?
01:27:13.000 You've got responsibilities!
01:27:15.000 Responsibilities!
01:27:16.000 I lived all over the place.
01:27:18.000 I grew up in Newton, but I lived in Revere and Waltham, Medford.
01:27:23.000 I lived in a couple different spots.
01:27:25.000 I lived off Symphony.
01:27:26.000 Lynn.
01:27:26.000 I lived in Lynn.
01:27:27.000 Oh, the city of sin.
01:27:28.000 You never go out the way you came in?
01:27:29.000 Yeah.
01:27:30.000 I ate pie there really stoned one night.
01:27:32.000 Whoa.
01:27:33.000 Yeah, it was the grossest place I ever lived that was on the ocean. 0.54
01:27:37.000 The ocean was nasty.
01:27:38.000 It never felt cool to be on the ocean there.
01:27:40.000 It's not a nice ocean.
01:27:41.000 I couldn't appreciate it either.
01:27:42.000 I was 19 or 20 or whatever the hell I was.
01:27:45.000 You have the AIDS. No, I thought I had AIDS once.
01:27:49.000 There was this girl that I used to fuck around with. 1.00
01:27:51.000 One of the girls that only had a threesome a couple times by one of the girls. 0.99
01:27:55.000 It was the girl from that.
01:27:56.000 She was a hippie. 0.98
01:27:57.000 She used to be a hippie. 1.00
01:27:58.000 I ran into her and she was looking hot. 1.00
01:27:59.000 She wasn't a hippie anymore. 0.99
01:28:00.000 She has big boobs. 1.00
01:28:01.000 So we fucked a couple times. 1.00
01:28:02.000 Wait, what? 1.00
01:28:03.000 She had a boob job? 1.00
01:28:04.000 No, no, she always had good boobs, but now she was just like... 1.00
01:28:07.000 No more hippie. 0.99
01:28:07.000 Yeah, just hot girl. 0.99
01:28:08.000 Yeah, just hot girl. 1.00
01:28:09.000 And so we fucked around. 1.00
01:28:11.000 Back in the day, they used to have webcam things, and I fucked her on webcam. 1.00
01:28:14.000 Thank God no one ever recorded or saw it. 0.93
01:28:17.000 How old are you?
01:28:18.000 37. Doesn't he seem like he's 12?
01:28:21.000 Yeah.
01:28:22.000 I thought you were younger.
01:28:23.000 Not immature, I just thought you were...
01:28:24.000 Right.
01:28:25.000 And then she didn't live in the city and so she got pregnant and then she came back and I had to sell all this stuff to pay for the baby hammer or whatever it's called.
01:28:37.000 Abortion.
01:28:37.000 And so then I found out from a friend that knew her that's like, dude, she's been doing heroin lately.
01:28:43.000 I guess she's been doing heroin a lot now. 1.00
01:28:45.000 She's just fucked up. 1.00
01:28:46.000 And I'm thinking, oh great, I fucked a heroin addict with no condom on. 1.00
01:28:51.000 You know, and I'm like thinking. 0.98
01:28:52.000 And then one day out of nowhere, she called me up and goes, Brian, I need to talk to you about something.
01:28:57.000 And I'm like, no, no, no, no.
01:28:59.000 Bad caller.
01:29:00.000 You know, I hung up.
01:29:00.000 Because my girlfriend was in bed with me.
01:29:02.000 Right.
01:29:03.000 And I was just like, I can't talk to you.
01:29:04.000 And for a couple years, I was like, what?
01:29:06.000 What did she want to talk to me about?
01:29:09.000 You still don't know?
01:29:10.000 No, no, wait, wait, listen.
01:29:11.000 And then, so then I went on Google.
01:29:12.000 When Google first came out, I'm like, I'm thinking of any kind of symptoms I've noticed I've had.
01:29:17.000 And one was like sweating at night.
01:29:19.000 And I'm like typing sweating at night.
01:29:20.000 And it was like, oh, AIDS. And then I was like, oh, what else do I got?
01:29:23.000 And I got to type in something else, you know, like headaches or something, you know, AIDS. It kept on going back to AIDS. So for a couple years, I was freaked out.
01:29:30.000 And then finally, I had some kind of mole removed.
01:29:33.000 And they had to do a full blood thing, and I'm like, can you add the AIDS bonus test to that?
01:29:37.000 And I was fine, but it was such a relief.
01:29:40.000 And then later I found out that she wanted to tell me that she didn't have, was pregnant, she never got an abortion, and that she just wanted money to buy more heroin. 1.00
01:29:49.000 Whoa.
01:29:50.000 So she had to confess to you?
01:29:52.000 Wow.
01:29:52.000 It was one of the 10 steps.
01:29:53.000 Yeah, that's one of those things.
01:29:55.000 Is it 12 steps?
01:29:56.000 12 steps.
01:29:56.000 Whatever it is.
01:29:57.000 Yeah, you have to right the wrongs.
01:29:59.000 Have you ever dated someone that was an alcoholic?
01:30:01.000 Mm-mm.
01:30:02.000 I went on two dates with a girl once.
01:30:03.000 It was really cool, and she turned out to be an alcoholic.
01:30:06.000 The first date, we had a great time.
01:30:07.000 I was like, wow, this chick is so cool. 1.00
01:30:09.000 You drank on the date, or she didn't drink?
01:30:11.000 I don't think we did.
01:30:12.000 No.
01:30:13.000 We just hung out.
01:30:14.000 And I remember talking to her.
01:30:16.000 I'm like, she's so nice, so normal.
01:30:18.000 And then the next night, it was at some bar in Hollywood where there was going to be a comedy show. 0.98
01:30:24.000 And she had got there before me with her friends, and she was fucking hammered. 1.00
01:30:29.000 I got hammered right away. 0.99
01:30:31.000 Hammered and for some reason mad at me.
01:30:35.000 And I hadn't done anything.
01:30:36.000 I had done nothing.
01:30:38.000 I just got there.
01:30:39.000 I was like, what's going on?
01:30:42.000 Or something crazy.
01:30:45.000 I was like, why are you so drunk? 1.00
01:30:47.000 I go, what the fuck happened to you? 0.99
01:30:48.000 And I go, where are your friends? 1.00
01:30:49.000 Is someone here with you?
01:30:50.000 I'm fine with myself.
01:30:52.000 And she pulls away from me.
01:30:52.000 Your impressions of women.
01:30:53.000 Women are so gross in your head. 1.00
01:30:55.000 This one was. 1.00
01:30:55.000 This one was. 1.00
01:30:56.000 And the Boston one.
01:30:57.000 She knocked the glass over and it was like the whole deal.
01:31:00.000 Stumbled.
01:31:00.000 Lost a shoe.
01:31:02.000 And I get her shoe and put it on.
01:31:03.000 I was like, wow.
01:31:04.000 I really liked you.
01:31:06.000 The first date I was like, this girl is cool.
01:31:08.000 She totally was like girlfriend material. 1.00
01:31:10.000 She was fun.
01:31:10.000 She was friendly.
01:31:11.000 She was nice.
01:31:13.000 And then...
01:31:13.000 Boom!
01:31:14.000 Next night, trashed!
01:31:16.000 Just to the point of there's no way you could ever hang out with someone who gets that drunk.
01:31:22.000 Oh god, because then it'll get personal.
01:31:24.000 Then she really will be mad about something.
01:31:26.000 It's also when you look real alcoholism in the eyes, and they're just floating around with the rest of us.
01:31:32.000 Most people that I know that drink could not drink from now to the end.
01:31:37.000 Between us, like Ari, Duncan, Joey, all of us, If we sat around and we found out that one of us never had a drink again and that one of us just drinks every night now, I would be more likely to believe that they would just give it up.
01:31:58.000 I don't think any of us would have a problem giving it up.
01:32:01.000 I gave it up the other day for four days because I got so drunk Thursday.
01:32:06.000 Did you hear what I did?
01:32:08.000 How drunk I got Thursday?
01:32:09.000 I didn't even tell you this.
01:32:10.000 No.
01:32:11.000 What I was going to say though, before you say this though, is that that's most of us, but we all do know one person who's not that way. 0.99
01:32:20.000 We know one person who you give them a couple of drinks and they're fucking gone.
01:32:24.000 And I didn't know it existed until I met people in Hollywood. 0.97
01:32:28.000 I was the same.
01:32:29.000 I grew up, I didn't know anybody like that.
01:32:30.000 And you meet people in comedy in particular.
01:32:32.000 I'm sorry.
01:32:33.000 Yeah, it's true.
01:32:34.000 I remember there was this one booker who was super cool and then he would just be really mean to me.
01:32:38.000 I don't have any enemies in comedy.
01:32:40.000 And I never understood.
01:32:42.000 I'm like, what did I do wrong?
01:32:43.000 Why is he mad at me?
01:32:44.000 And I found out he was a raging alcoholic.
01:32:46.000 And if you're unaware of those types of people or how they act, You don't know how to handle it because I never knew anyone like that.
01:32:53.000 It's so bizarre when they literally change personalities.
01:32:55.000 And you think it's you. 0.78
01:32:56.000 Yeah, and not only that, you're trapped with a crazy person.
01:33:00.000 If you're having a conversation with them and they're drunk, and you're like, whoa, whoa, this person doesn't even see reality.
01:33:04.000 They don't even see reason.
01:33:06.000 So what were you going to say?
01:33:08.000 Eddie Bravo drunk the other day.
01:33:09.000 Indian drunk at Sam Triplett's Naughty Show.
01:33:12.000 Oh, you didn't get him drunk.
01:33:13.000 You got drunk personally.
01:33:14.000 No, I got it.
01:33:14.000 I got it.
01:33:14.000 You got as drunk as he gets.
01:33:16.000 Yeah.
01:33:16.000 Me and Veronica were going to the Naughty Show.
01:33:18.000 We both had an eight all day.
01:33:20.000 And we were going to eat, but we were running late.
01:33:21.000 So we were like, you know what?
01:33:22.000 We'll just go for a bit, and then we'll go get something to eat.
01:33:24.000 and I guess there was somebody told me there was was that moonshine there and and I did a couple shots of moonshine but I thought it was just shots yeah and so I got so fucking drunk that I don't I blacked out I completely don't remember what is the alcohol what's regular 100 proof moonshine's 100 proof what is regular alcohol I don't know I don't know But grain, that's grain alcohol.
01:33:50.000 It's way more powerful than like tequila, right?
01:33:52.000 That's why it's so illegal and people make it themselves.
01:33:54.000 Yeah, 100 proof.
01:33:55.000 So how many shots do you think that represents at a regular alcoholic?
01:33:57.000 I don't know, but I had, they have these old Milwaukee cans about that big.
01:34:01.000 I had three of those.
01:34:03.000 What?
01:34:03.000 And two shots of what I thought was just vodka.
01:34:06.000 Three of the old Milwaukee cans.
01:34:07.000 Giant old Milwaukee's. 0.73
01:34:08.000 Oh, I thought you were saying old Milwaukee cans filled with that stuff.
01:34:11.000 Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
01:34:12.000 I was like, how are you alive? 0.95
01:34:14.000 And so that night I got home and I was going through my phone and I was like remembering all the shit that happened, trying to piece things together. 0.95
01:34:21.000 One of the things I did was at the show, somebody was yelling out Veronica's name when she was on stage at the Naughty Show. 0.93
01:34:27.000 And he was like, Veronica!
01:34:28.000 Veronica, come here! 1.00
01:34:29.000 You know, like whatever.
01:34:30.000 So I decided to make fun of him and outdo his heckling.
01:34:33.000 So I have it on tape.
01:34:35.000 It's on YouTube.
01:34:36.000 I was going, Veronica! 1.00
01:34:37.000 I want to shit on your face! 1.00
01:34:39.000 But I did it 12 times louder and louder. 1.00
01:34:43.000 Everyone in the audience is looking back like, what the fuck is this guy? 1.00
01:34:45.000 Your girlfriend's name is Veronica? 1.00
01:34:46.000 Yeah.
01:34:47.000 So you're out-hackling the heckler?
01:34:49.000 I'm out-hackling the heckler.
01:34:52.000 Why were you so inclined to do this?
01:34:54.000 I don't know, but the video...
01:34:55.000 That's where you went, yeah.
01:34:56.000 The video is so hilarious, though, if you look at it. 1.00
01:34:58.000 It's, uh, Veronica, I want to shit on your face on YouTube. 0.99
01:35:01.000 Oh my god. 1.00
01:35:01.000 And then, so then, I felt... 1.00
01:35:03.000 That video's available on YouTube right now?
01:35:04.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:35:05.000 And so I felt so bad that...
01:35:07.000 Anyways, then that night I went across the street to where we always ate the standard when you saw his common story and we went in and there was only one other table in the whole entire restaurant.
01:35:16.000 So me and my girl were eating there and the other table was a drunk Japanese guy, a big tall black guy and an Armenian.
01:35:22.000 And they were about 50 to 55 years old and they were wasted just being slobbery, wasted.
01:35:28.000 And the Armenian dude's staring at my girlfriend the whole entire time, to the point where I'm like, why is this guy staring at you?
01:35:34.000 So we eat, I go to the bathroom, and then we'll leave.
01:35:37.000 So I go to the bathroom, I come back, and he was in the middle of this table.
01:35:41.000 He got out of the table, and he was leaning on the table, freaking my girlfriend out, like trying to hit on her or doing something.
01:35:46.000 He knew I was with her.
01:35:47.000 He saw the whole time I was there.
01:35:49.000 So I walk up to this, and I'm like, okay, I'm wasted, blackout wasted. 0.99
01:35:53.000 I'm going to act like a fucking psycho. 0.99
01:35:55.000 And this is how dumb I was. 1.00
01:35:56.000 I started going... 0.93
01:35:57.000 What's up, man?
01:35:58.000 Hey! 0.99
01:35:59.000 How's it going?
01:36:00.000 Like, I was, like, on cocaine, or, like, I was just, like, up in his face.
01:36:03.000 What are you doing? 1.00
01:36:04.000 I was like, get the fuck out of here, man! 0.98
01:36:06.000 And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry. 0.88
01:36:07.000 I'm so sorry. 0.99
01:36:07.000 I was like, don't make me fucking shoot you, man! 0.99
01:36:09.000 You said don't make me shoot you? 1.00
01:36:11.000 Yes.
01:36:11.000 And it got to the point where the standard, the security comes up and goes, do we have a problem here?
01:36:15.000 I'm like, no, man.
01:36:16.000 And he's like, here's your bill.
01:36:18.000 And I tipped him 100%.
01:36:19.000 It was like $43.
01:36:20.000 I tipped him like $40.
01:36:22.000 $43?
01:36:22.000 Yeah, $40.
01:36:23.000 And I was just like, you know, because while I was acting crazy, I was just like, uh-oh.
01:36:28.000 Security.
01:36:28.000 Here's a 100% tip.
01:36:30.000 And then I come out, and you hear the guy sit down, and he's like going, he's right.
01:36:36.000 I don't know why I did that.
01:36:37.000 I could hear him saying that.
01:36:38.000 Right.
01:36:39.000 And I go... 1.00
01:36:40.000 Have a safe trip outside, asshole! 1.00
01:36:43.000 Or something like that. 1.00
01:36:44.000 And then the guy's like, man, stop!
01:36:46.000 Man, stop!
01:36:47.000 And I just walk out. 1.00
01:36:48.000 And I'm walking out and I'm like, holy shit, let's get the fuck out of here. 0.99
01:36:51.000 But I could have easily... 0.99
01:36:53.000 So you played poker.
01:36:54.000 I played poker and I bluffed and it worked.
01:36:58.000 And the funny thing is, before I did this, I was like, hey, let's do a podcast while we're eating to Veronica.
01:37:05.000 And And I forgot that the waiter came up or something like that, and so I recorded the whole thing.
01:37:11.000 You have the audio version of it?
01:37:13.000 But I am so embarrassed by it, I do not want to release it.
01:37:17.000 Well, can I listen to it?
01:37:19.000 I don't even know.
01:37:20.000 No, I don't want anyone to ever hear it.
01:37:22.000 Brian, Brian, Brian, this is a beautiful thing.
01:37:24.000 No, no, no.
01:37:25.000 It's the most embarrassing thing ever.
01:37:27.000 You should sell that.
01:37:28.000 The biggest blackout night, I documented everything.
01:37:31.000 But you already admitted to it, but you already admitted to it.
01:37:34.000 This is part of the 12-step.
01:37:34.000 Oh, you should totally do that.
01:37:36.000 That thing alone was like... 1.00
01:37:38.000 Listen, bro, you're like a little slut right now. 1.00
01:37:40.000 You're teasing the world. 1.00
01:37:41.000 I might release in the future, but I don't want to.
01:37:42.000 You have to release it.
01:37:43.000 Come on, you already brought it up.
01:37:45.000 It's so embarrassing.
01:37:47.000 Release the crackin'! 0.91
01:37:48.000 Release the crackin'! 0.91
01:37:49.000 Release it, right?
01:37:50.000 You gotta release it.
01:37:51.000 It's too embarrassing.
01:37:52.000 It's not. 1.00
01:37:52.000 You're crazy. 1.00
01:37:53.000 I acted like a fucking psycho. 1.00
01:37:54.000 Well, listen, you felt threatened. 1.00
01:37:56.000 There was a bunch of men, you know?
01:37:58.000 And see, what's so funny is that she did the same thing on New Year's, I think I talked about, where we went and partied downtown, and it was one street from the shelter, and we were drunk at 2 a.m.
01:38:10.000 walking to our car with a friend that wasn't drunk that was driving us.
01:38:14.000 And we were going through what was like the homeless, you know, where all the shelters are and stuff like that.
01:38:21.000 So the street was just all homeless people, about 100 of them in one block, you know, just like zombies walking around.
01:38:26.000 And our car was in the middle of it.
01:38:28.000 And then like all these people kept on coming up like, hey, drunk.
01:38:31.000 It's like Thriller.
01:38:31.000 Yeah, it was like Thriller.
01:38:32.000 It was exactly like Thriller.
01:38:34.000 I've been there, yeah.
01:38:34.000 And so, like, all these people, my girlfriend's high, you know, dressed up New Year's Eve style, like, buttholes showing out.
01:38:40.000 You know, New Year's Eve style. 0.99
01:38:42.000 Your butthole out. 1.00
01:38:43.000 It's New Year's Eve. 1.00
01:38:44.000 Where's your butthole, girl? 1.00
01:38:45.000 You ain't even fashionable. 1.00
01:38:47.000 Yeah.
01:38:47.000 And so, like, all these people kept on coming up for money and stuff, and her response, like, her defense mechanism, it's just going...
01:38:56.000 Ooh! 0.96
01:38:56.000 Ah! 0.96
01:38:57.000 And people are like, damn, is that girl on crack? 1.00
01:39:00.000 So I think I did the same thing, and I was so wasted, I don't know. 0.98
01:39:03.000 You remember that she had done that?
01:39:04.000 That comes from a weird place to be like, I'm going to act like a crazy person, because I don't think I could do that.
01:39:11.000 I think it's just too much confidence, liquid confidence.
01:39:14.000 Well, you sounded like you were in another world, man. 1.00
01:39:16.000 It sounds like you were so drunk, you don't know what the fuck you were doing. 1.00
01:39:18.000 She already had her butthole out. 1.00
01:39:21.000 That's normal. 0.99
01:39:22.000 It's Halloween.
01:39:24.000 It's Halloween.
01:39:24.000 Butthole out.
01:39:25.000 If there's ever a time the butthole will launch... 0.98
01:39:29.000 Will launch? 0.98
01:39:30.000 Yeah.
01:39:31.000 Blossom. 0.90
01:39:32.000 The butthole blossom. 0.52
01:39:33.000 Why did you send me that picture, by the way? 0.99
01:39:35.000 Of what?
01:39:36.000 He's like, can you do Joe's podcast?
01:39:37.000 And I was like, let me check.
01:39:38.000 Let me see what I'm doing.
01:39:39.000 He was like, it's 4 p.m. 0.93
01:39:40.000 And then I click on my text and there's just a picture of a dog with a cork in its butt. 0.91
01:39:44.000 Oh, yeah.
01:39:45.000 And I was like, don't.
01:39:46.000 And I just wrote back.
01:39:48.000 I was like, I don't like that.
01:39:50.000 He was like, oh, he can't poop.
01:39:51.000 I'm like, don't send me stuff like that. 0.98
01:39:57.000 That's such a weird, like, from A to B, like, and now here's Joe's address, the time, and dog with a cork in its butt. 0.96
01:40:03.000 Well, I've gotten... 0.97
01:40:03.000 I did not like it. 0.97
01:40:04.000 You know, I, uh, that's not real.
01:40:06.000 It's a Photoshop.
01:40:06.000 But I like...
01:40:07.000 It doesn't matter! 0.99
01:40:09.000 But I love sending random photos, you know, like, and, uh, like, I asked Tom Segur if he has a, he's busy Friday, and he's like, I'm in Minneapolis, so I sent him a picture of a big black guy with his dick out. 1.00
01:40:19.000 And he goes, that's unnecessary. 0.99
01:40:20.000 Yeah, you've done that to me.
01:40:21.000 Yeah.
01:40:22.000 You've noticed none of us are thrilled.
01:40:23.000 Like, you haven't done this to me many times. 0.99
01:40:26.000 I think we've all seen enough disgusting crap. 0.98
01:40:29.000 I've got text messages from him. 0.91
01:40:30.000 I open up the text message and it's an image.
01:40:35.000 You can't see what it is.
01:40:36.000 Like it's at night time at a comedy club or something like that. 1.00
01:40:37.000 I click on the image and it's a black guy with a giant dick and a white guy sucking it. 1.00
01:40:42.000 Why is it always funny when it's a black guy's penis? 1.00
01:40:44.000 I don't know. 1.00
01:40:45.000 It's funnier.
01:40:45.000 No joke.
01:40:46.000 This last weekend, it was my girlfriend's birthday, and she was turning 30. And I was like, I'm going to be a material center on erotic cake.
01:40:53.000 And what they do when you call for the erotic cake is they take you through the entire order process and at the end tell you how much it is.
01:40:59.000 It was like $200, and we're like not even close.
01:41:02.000 For a boob cake? 0.94
01:41:03.000 Why? 1.00
01:41:04.000 Because a dick. 1.00
01:41:05.000 It's a dick cake? 1.00
01:41:05.000 I guess. 1.00
01:41:06.000 How much is a regular cake?
01:41:07.000 You have to pay more for the cake.
01:41:08.000 It depends on how much, like at the grocery store.
01:41:10.000 $200 to make a dick cake?
01:41:11.000 To have it delivered to. 0.98
01:41:12.000 Oh, okay.
01:41:13.000 But it was like in Houston, it was so uncomfortable because I'm already calling. 0.99
01:41:16.000 I'm like, it's like a big, and I had to get a black penis because it's funnier for someone. 1.00
01:41:20.000 I'm like, get a big black penis on the cake. 1.00
01:41:21.000 And then he was like, all right. 1.00
01:41:22.000 And he was so over his job. 0.99
01:41:24.000 He's like, you want cum? 1.00
01:41:25.000 You want hair on the balls? 1.00
01:41:26.000 I was like, I literally was like, please don't ask me that. 0.99
01:41:28.000 It's uncomfortable.
01:41:28.000 He's like, what are you talking about?
01:41:29.000 It's what I do!
01:41:30.000 It's what I do here. 1.00
01:41:31.000 So for 200 bucks, you got a black penis, and I had them write, have an elegant birthday. 1.00
01:41:35.000 Yes. 1.00
01:41:36.000 Oh, that's a good thing to say. 1.00
01:41:37.000 Yeah, I didn't want to be like, suck a cock, it's your 30s. 1.00
01:41:40.000 So I wrote something nice. 1.00
01:41:42.000 I think suck a cock, it's your 30s, would have been way better, actually. 1.00
01:41:46.000 Why would you not want to say that? 1.00
01:41:48.000 I wanted to retain some shred of dignity.
01:41:51.000 Save that dignity for the tourists.
01:41:52.000 Save it for my 30s.
01:41:53.000 Yeah, I used to always get boob cakes from my family growing up from like 12 on or something like that.
01:41:58.000 From them?
01:41:59.000 From them or for them?
01:42:00.000 From them.
01:42:01.000 Like every day, that was like the big thing.
01:42:02.000 My dad would get boob cakes. 0.95
01:42:03.000 Your parents?
01:42:03.000 When you were 12?
01:42:05.000 13. And they were actual nipples?
01:42:07.000 Well, they weren't real nipples. 0.86
01:42:08.000 They were made out of like Hershey Kisses or something. 0.94
01:42:10.000 Ew! 0.98
01:42:11.000 Like white Hershey Kisses.
01:42:12.000 But it would look like two things. 0.95
01:42:13.000 What is white nipples? 1.00
01:42:14.000 Right? 0.99
01:42:15.000 She's cold.
01:42:16.000 What?
01:42:16.000 But it would look like that, right?
01:42:18.000 Yeah, it would look like boobs. 0.98
01:42:19.000 It's fine. 0.96
01:42:19.000 I couldn't eat it. 0.96
01:42:21.000 I think I feel like there was jizz in the batter or something.
01:42:24.000 Actually, I take that back.
01:42:25.000 It wasn't full boob.
01:42:26.000 It was the one where the bikini, but you could see a little boob in it. 1.00
01:42:31.000 Cakes. 0.99
01:42:31.000 But the older I got, I started having nipples. 0.99
01:42:33.000 But my 18th birthday... 0.96
01:42:34.000 The older I got, I started having nipples. 0.98
01:42:36.000 Moving up. 0.96
01:42:36.000 But when I was 18... 0.96
01:42:38.000 You're 15, boy.
01:42:38.000 We've changed your cake.
01:42:40.000 Congratulations.
01:42:41.000 When I was 18, it was a black one. 1.00
01:42:43.000 Do you think you were ever molested that you don't remember?
01:42:45.000 I hope not.
01:42:46.000 Is it possible?
01:42:46.000 I hope not.
01:42:47.000 I hope not.
01:42:47.000 Do you think something must have happened, though, right?
01:42:50.000 When you were younger that you were trying to block out?
01:42:52.000 What are you talking about?
01:42:52.000 Because I had boob cakes growing up?
01:42:54.000 That is weird.
01:42:55.000 Why?
01:42:55.000 I don't know.
01:42:57.000 Son, we got you your favorite.
01:42:59.000 I get what you're saying.
01:42:59.000 The cleavage cakes.
01:43:00.000 There were cleavage cakes.
01:43:01.000 And then I think when I was like 16, it started becoming boob cakes. 0.83
01:43:04.000 And then when I was 18, it was a black. 1.00
01:43:04.000 They do full-on vaginas. 1.00
01:43:06.000 Like, they had on the cake list, they had like, open vaginas. 1.00
01:43:08.000 Vaginas with cum. 1.00
01:43:09.000 I'm like, who's like, let me slice into this. 0.99
01:43:11.000 This looks great.
01:43:13.000 The Midwest boob cakes were, I guess, the more accepted.
01:43:16.000 I don't know.
01:43:17.000 Social norm.
01:43:18.000 Yeah.
01:43:18.000 Well, there wasn't a lot to do there, right?
01:43:20.000 It was really cold.
01:43:21.000 I think just anything.
01:43:22.000 It seems like people that lived in West Virginia and Ohio.
01:43:25.000 Is that where you're from?
01:43:25.000 I'm from Columbus, Ohio.
01:43:27.000 But I think that whole little chunk of area.
01:43:29.000 I think people had a sicker sense of humor.
01:43:31.000 Texas.
01:43:33.000 Sicker sense of humor?
01:43:34.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:43:34.000 I remember you'd go to these people's houses and they would have little statues that were silly and there was a penis involved. 0.99
01:43:43.000 And that was at your grandpa's house. 0.98
01:43:45.000 What?
01:43:46.000 Your grandpa's house?
01:43:46.000 No.
01:43:47.000 None of that.
01:43:47.000 My friends had elephants on their parents' mandals.
01:43:50.000 Brian, what are you talking about?
01:43:50.000 You lived in a sad world.
01:43:52.000 He's like, you have the boob cake, then you go cut wood. 1.00
01:43:55.000 You grew up in a goddamn Stephen King movie. 1.00
01:43:57.000 I don't know. 1.00
01:43:59.000 You grew up in a Stephen King movie, kid.
01:44:01.000 Yeah, I did.
01:44:02.000 It was a Stephen King movie.
01:44:03.000 Yeah, that's what it is.
01:44:05.000 It's just that people were just not...
01:44:07.000 Happy.
01:44:08.000 Had more humor.
01:44:09.000 They had more humor?
01:44:10.000 More sexual humor. 0.58
01:44:10.000 Sexual humor. 0.58
01:44:11.000 Well, they're more...
01:44:12.000 I don't think you just had pervy relatives.
01:44:13.000 Yeah.
01:44:14.000 Sounds like it.
01:44:15.000 I'm talking about friends and neighborhoods, families.
01:44:16.000 I'm talking about everybody I knew. 0.98
01:44:17.000 More sexual humor than the dirty comedians you're hanging out with here? 0.99
01:44:20.000 Like, what are you saying? 0.96
01:44:21.000 No, I'm just saying they were like, I grew up feeling like everyone had a dirty joke thing.
01:44:28.000 Like, everyone's families had, like, dirty magazines and everyone's, I don't know.
01:44:31.000 Maybe, okay, maybe, like, if you find the dad's got, like, some Playboys and, like, one or two things, but not, like, on the mantle here.
01:44:37.000 Well, bootcakes, I think, were more accepted.
01:44:40.000 Bootcakes?
01:44:40.000 Yeah.
01:44:40.000 I mean, I think that was normal for a lot of people that get a boob cake or a cleavage cake when you're 16. Really?
01:44:46.000 Yeah.
01:44:46.000 Absolutely.
01:44:47.000 I believe you.
01:44:48.000 I believe you.
01:44:49.000 It just seems weird to me.
01:44:51.000 Yeah.
01:44:51.000 Does your mom have to order it?
01:44:52.000 No.
01:44:53.000 My mom would never give me a boob cake. 1.00
01:44:55.000 She'd give me a Jesus cake. 1.00
01:44:56.000 Did you ever have one of your friends who had a buddy who fucked his friend's mom? 1.00
01:45:01.000 No. 0.94
01:45:01.000 Did you know anybody did that? 0.94
01:45:02.000 Never.
01:45:02.000 Did you?
01:45:03.000 Yeah.
01:45:04.000 Yeah, I knew one kid.
01:45:05.000 Okay.
01:45:06.000 I can only see your eyes right now. 0.99
01:45:07.000 Yeah, I remember one kid who fucked his friend's mom. 1.00
01:45:10.000 His friend's mom was kind of a freak. 0.99
01:45:12.000 And I think they smoked weed together, too. 0.79
01:45:14.000 Well, that's unforgivable.
01:45:16.000 And he banged his friend's mom.
01:45:17.000 She was a single mom.
01:45:18.000 Was she hot? 1.00
01:45:19.000 I don't remember.
01:45:20.000 Was he hot?
01:45:20.000 I was like 16 or 17, and I think he was a year older than us.
01:45:24.000 He may have been 18. He might have been like a year out of school, and we were sophomores.
01:45:28.000 And he banged this dude's mom. 0.99
01:45:31.000 God, that sucks. 0.99
01:45:32.000 For the kid whose mom liked that to know that. 0.98
01:45:35.000 Yeah, nobody was happy.
01:45:37.000 Yeah, dudes don't like that.
01:45:38.000 No, they don't like that. 0.99
01:45:40.000 Yeah, when I was in the Boy Scouts, one of the fucking 18-year-old kids was hitting on my mom in front of me. 0.99
01:45:46.000 It was so uncomfortable. 0.99
01:45:47.000 Really?
01:45:47.000 Ew, that's horrible.
01:45:49.000 That's one of the guys who just got out of the Boy Scouts.
01:45:50.000 He's flirting with my mom.
01:45:52.000 About the time my mom was in her 30s, she was still pretty hot. 1.00
01:45:55.000 That's crazy.
01:45:56.000 It was gross, though. 1.00
01:45:57.000 Being a little kid going, what the fuck? 1.00
01:46:00.000 Just thinking some dude wants to bone your mom. 1.00
01:46:02.000 I would imagine that's awful.
01:46:04.000 I never thought about anyone bone him.
01:46:06.000 That's probably going to go through your head one day. 1.00
01:46:08.000 You're going to have to tell some little 18-year-old kid to get the fuck away from you. 1.00
01:46:11.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:46:11.000 And you're taking your kid to school. 1.00
01:46:13.000 I do now.
01:46:13.000 You don't want to tell him to take him.
01:46:14.000 Do you?
01:46:14.000 What?
01:46:15.000 Do you do now?
01:46:16.000 You take him.
01:46:16.000 Do you ever want to teach him?
01:46:18.000 Show him what's up?
01:46:19.000 No.
01:46:20.000 No?
01:46:20.000 Grab a boy by the hair?
01:46:22.000 Come here.
01:46:22.000 No.
01:46:23.000 Train him?
01:46:23.000 Train a good one?
01:46:25.000 I really don't have a thing for guys that are younger than me at all.
01:46:31.000 There's a PA that works on our show who is adorable and so cute. 0.92
01:46:35.000 And I'm so attracted to him, but not in the way that I want to make out with him, but I know he's hot.
01:46:40.000 His name's Joey, and every time I see him, I'm like, oh, baby Joey, so little.
01:46:45.000 Like, I can't...
01:46:47.000 I know he's so hot, but I don't want to sleep with him.
01:46:50.000 I just want to hug him.
01:46:52.000 I have no sexual attraction.
01:46:54.000 I can tell someone's hot, but I have no sexual attraction to anyone younger than me because it makes me feel so old.
01:46:59.000 I don't like feeling old in my 20s.
01:47:01.000 Right.
01:47:01.000 That makes sense.
01:47:02.000 Yeah, it's not attractive.
01:47:03.000 I don't...
01:47:05.000 I don't know.
01:47:05.000 And then everything starts to hurt.
01:47:07.000 I feel so old as it is because I'm always so tired.
01:47:09.000 Well, you're very smart for 28. I know!
01:47:11.000 You know, that's a problem.
01:47:12.000 Is that a problem?
01:47:13.000 Must be a problem in dealing with dudes. 1.00
01:47:15.000 Most guys in their 20s are even dumber than girls in their 20s because of testosterone. 1.00
01:47:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:47:19.000 Testosterone fucking clouds your mind and really massively slows down your ability to accumulate information because you're just so busy chasing pussies. 1.00
01:47:26.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:47:27.000 Especially when you're in your early 20s. 0.99
01:47:28.000 You barely learn a goddamn thing until you're like almost 30 when you're a dude. 0.99
01:47:32.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:47:32.000 I get the feeling that a lot of guys... 0.99
01:47:35.000 Anybody comic that knows me obviously isn't hitting on me, like you know me.
01:47:39.000 But I get this vibe that a lot of...
01:47:41.000 That's nice though, isn't it?
01:47:41.000 Yeah, yeah, it's nice.
01:47:42.000 You're totally one of the gang.
01:47:43.000 It's nice.
01:47:44.000 But I get this feeling that comics who I know just from seeing around different clubs or whatever, that they're a little afraid of me.
01:47:51.000 And it's not because I want to hurt anyone's feelings, but if you come up to me and you say something stupid, I'm not going to be like, I don't have money.
01:47:57.000 I'm going to be like, what? 0.98
01:47:58.000 And then they get nervous.
01:48:00.000 But I don't mean to.
01:48:01.000 It's just like, act like a person.
01:48:02.000 Right.
01:48:02.000 If you're going to come talk.
01:48:04.000 Well, some men are just fucked up talking to women anyway. 0.99
01:48:07.000 Some men are so insecure when it comes to talking to women that they fall apart. 1.00
01:48:10.000 And it so quickly translates to hate.
01:48:12.000 Yeah.
01:48:13.000 You know what it is? 0.70
01:48:14.000 I realized it when I had a friend who was an ugly dude who broke it down to me once. 0.94
01:48:18.000 He was talking about girls. 0.91
01:48:20.000 And I was trying to tell him from a girl's perspective. 1.00
01:48:22.000 And I'm like, just imagine if you're a girl and a guy like you is constantly trying to fuck her. 1.00
01:48:28.000 And he said, well, here's the deal. 1.00
01:48:30.000 He goes, I have to admit, I'm not good looking.
01:48:33.000 He goes, I'm not.
01:48:34.000 So they're not attracted to me.
01:48:35.000 So I have to try harder and force myself in.
01:48:38.000 Because someone will say yes.
01:48:40.000 Yes, someone will give in.
01:48:41.000 Someone will just be overwhelmed by his confidence.
01:48:44.000 But at the end of the day, they get angry at you.
01:48:46.000 And for a lot of these men, they just have this direct association in their head with women feeling bad, feeling rejected, and they just want to strike out.
01:48:56.000 And that's where a lot of them, that anger towards women comes from.
01:48:59.000 I don't like my Twitter feed or my Facebook.
01:49:02.000 Grown men, and this is the weirdest thing to me. 0.88
01:49:04.000 I understand guys can be gross. 1.00
01:49:05.000 I don't fault anyone for, you know, you're so hot, I don't want to fuck you. 1.00
01:49:09.000 Alright, that's what people say. 1.00
01:49:10.000 But, when I go on my Facebook page and you've written something like, I want to fuck you so hard, I come to like, something like that, and your Facebook picture is of you and your wife, Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00
01:49:22.000 Like, you just had such an uncontrollable boner that you had to ejaculate words on my page? 1.00
01:49:27.000 And it's just, it's not flattering, and it's, or people write, like, really mean, like, I've been on podcasts before, and even probably today, and people will be like, you're such a fucking cunt, do I want to fuck your man? 1.00
01:49:37.000 It's just so aggressive, and you're like, why? 1.00
01:49:40.000 Because I spoke?
01:49:41.000 Like, men get amped for stuff like that.
01:49:44.000 Oh, yeah.
01:49:45.000 Yeah.
01:49:46.000 I'm going to check my Twitter feed right now.
01:49:47.000 Keep talking.
01:49:48.000 Now you're really going to get it.
01:49:49.000 Yeah, now it's going to be terrible.
01:49:50.000 You guys opened it.
01:49:51.000 But it happens.
01:49:52.000 They say a woman scorned is like the worst. 1.00
01:49:56.000 I think a guy scorned is probably worse because they get rapey. 0.90
01:49:58.000 A lot. 0.98
01:49:59.000 They get rapey. 0.97
01:50:00.000 A lot of men, especially dudes who don't do well, they do associate women with being the source of their misery. 0.90
01:50:06.000 You know, it's unfortunate.
01:50:07.000 And you know why?
01:50:08.000 Because prostitution is illegal.
01:50:10.000 That's why.
01:50:11.000 Yeah.
01:50:11.000 Because if prostitution were legal, there would be brothels and someone could take care of those guys' physical needs.
01:50:16.000 I'm not saying that women should be prostitutes, but I am saying there's some women who are going to be prostitutes. 0.97
01:50:21.000 Some are just better. 0.99
01:50:21.000 And it's not a bad thing, necessarily. 0.99
01:50:23.000 It ain't a bad thing.
01:50:24.000 It's a service to the community.
01:50:25.000 It's our idea that's bad.
01:50:27.000 What? 1.00
01:50:27.000 It's okay to massage a guy, but it's not okay to massage his dick. 1.00
01:50:30.000 I say bullshit. 1.00
01:50:32.000 I think it should be legal. 1.00
01:50:32.000 It would be safer. 1.00
01:50:33.000 It totally should be legal.
01:50:34.000 Totally.
01:50:34.000 It should be legal, it should be regulated, the girls should be checked, they should do it like they handle it in other countries.
01:50:40.000 We're so, because we're so, I think we've talked about this, puritanical, yeah. 0.97
01:50:43.000 It's ridiculous.
01:50:44.000 By the way, grain alcohol is actually 100, someone wrote, Brian D. Morton wrote, it's 180 to 200 proof, and Jack is 80 proof. 0.99
01:50:51.000 God damn it! 0.99
01:50:52.000 200 proof? 1.00
01:50:53.000 I don't even know what that means.
01:50:54.000 Oh, that hurts my liver just thinking about it.
01:50:56.000 Smirnoff ice is 5%.
01:50:58.000 Dude, just stop and...
01:50:59.000 Point five.
01:50:59.000 You just said 200 proof.
01:51:01.000 Just stop and think about that.
01:51:03.000 I don't know.
01:51:04.000 I don't know how to comprehend that.
01:51:05.000 That's 100% alcohol, right?
01:51:06.000 God.
01:51:06.000 That's 100% alcohol.
01:51:07.000 Oh, my God.
01:51:08.000 It's like $43 and tip.
01:51:09.000 Oh, my God. 1.00
01:51:10.000 What a fucking explosion in your liver that must be. 1.00
01:51:13.000 Boom! 1.00
01:51:13.000 Your whole bloodstream must be like, what the fuck did you just do? 1.00
01:51:17.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:51:18.000 Woo! 0.99
01:51:18.000 Need to get a blood transfuse and just add some more, you know? 0.99
01:51:20.000 100 proof is 50%, moonshine is 100%.
01:51:23.000 So that's what someone said.
01:51:24.000 So moonshine is 100%.
01:51:25.000 I'm just reading a tweet.
01:51:27.000 Wow.
01:51:29.000 Yeah, I've heard some ridiculous high percentages of disgusting alcohols, but that's the highest I've ever heard. 0.75
01:51:36.000 I've never heard anything that high before.
01:51:38.000 Yeah.
01:51:38.000 200 proof.
01:51:39.000 I drank a shit ton of absinthe once.
01:51:40.000 Is 200 proof 100%? 0.81
01:51:41.000 Is that what it means?
01:51:43.000 What does it mean?
01:51:43.000 Yeah, I think 200. I think it's always 50%.
01:51:45.000 How can you be more than 100%?
01:51:46.000 Yeah, how could you be?
01:51:47.000 How does math work? 1.00
01:51:50.000 Isn't it fun to be a comedian and be fucking ignorant? 0.99
01:51:53.000 I went to South Africa when I was in high school, and absinthe was legal there, and it wasn't legal here yet, and you hear about the green butterfly and hallucinating, and it's awful. 0.99
01:52:03.000 It tastes like black licorice.
01:52:04.000 It's not good.
01:52:05.000 I liked it. 0.93
01:52:07.000 Drinking and drinking and drinking it with the sugar and the thing, I just got shit-faced, no hallucinations, because it's not made with wormwood anymore, which is what makes you do that. 0.95
01:52:15.000 You can drink absinthe all day long. 0.96
01:52:17.000 You will not hallucinate from it.
01:52:19.000 Oh, that's interesting.
01:52:20.000 Does anybody make it the other way with the wormwood?
01:52:22.000 Nobody.
01:52:23.000 They're done.
01:52:23.000 It's illegal.
01:52:24.000 In general, it's like poisoning you.
01:52:25.000 Whoa.
01:52:26.000 But anyways, it used to be that way and it's not anymore.
01:52:29.000 It's not quite the same as drunk, right?
01:52:31.000 It's a little different.
01:52:32.000 The way I described it, I said it was like a cousin of drunk.
01:52:34.000 See, I also drink a lot of other stuff.
01:52:37.000 I enjoyed it.
01:52:38.000 I did it in Vancouver with the hottest South African guy.
01:52:42.000 Whoa, yeah?
01:52:43.000 Did you like his accent?
01:52:44.000 Is that your first black guy?
01:52:46.000 What if he said something really racist right before he put it in?
01:52:48.000 What if he said something really racist right before he put it in? 0.52
01:52:51.000 We didn't have sex! 0.96
01:52:53.000 They get kind of racist. 0.94
01:52:54.000 You made out with them, though.
01:52:55.000 I made out with them at a club, in a bathroom, and then we got kicked out because I brought in the ladies who were going to make out. 1.00
01:52:59.000 You're a dirty bitch. 1.00
01:53:00.000 I was 21. I love it. 1.00
01:53:02.000 That's what I'm talking about. 0.98
01:53:03.000 So are you a horny drunk, an angry drunk, or a happy drunk? 0.98
01:53:06.000 Why are you questioning it? 0.97
01:53:07.000 Why are you putting that angry part out?
01:53:09.000 Tired drunk?
01:53:09.000 Tired drunk?
01:53:10.000 Wine.
01:53:11.000 Red wine drunk is the worst.
01:53:12.000 It is.
01:53:13.000 Ugh.
01:53:13.000 Can I just...
01:53:14.000 Well, here's my dilemma.
01:53:15.000 It's too relaxing.
01:53:16.000 My birthday's coming up, and I'm gonna do... 0.99
01:53:18.000 I want to do, like, a full-on asshole birthday where you get drunk and wear, like, a tiny dress and get a table, right? 1.00
01:53:24.000 Really? 0.99
01:53:24.000 Why do you want to do that? 0.99
01:53:25.000 Because it's my last birthday in my 20s.
01:53:27.000 So what?
01:53:28.000 So I want to have a party like I'm in my 20s.
01:53:30.000 I have a dress that's this big.
01:53:32.000 It's actually a sock, and I'm gonna fit into it.
01:53:34.000 And I'm just gonna bring a bunch of girls with me. 1.00
01:53:36.000 Can we videotape this?
01:53:37.000 Can we just let you know what bar it is and hide?
01:53:39.000 Can we videotape and put it on the internet?
01:53:42.000 Can we smell the dress the following day?
01:53:44.000 Smell it.
01:53:45.000 Who are you?
01:53:47.000 But, I get afraid because I never drink.
01:53:50.000 I mean, I just don't ever have a chance to go out.
01:53:52.000 I'm afraid that I'll have two drinks and be tired and miserable.
01:53:55.000 Right.
01:53:56.000 Well, do you take vitamins?
01:53:57.000 Do you take multivitamins and do you eat healthy?
01:54:00.000 I eat very healthy.
01:54:01.000 Sleep good?
01:54:02.000 I sleep 13 hours a night.
01:54:04.000 Do you really?
01:54:05.000 Well, that's awesome.
01:54:06.000 I'm a cat.
01:54:07.000 That's awesome.
01:54:08.000 I have nothing to get up for in the morning.
01:54:09.000 That's good though.
01:54:10.000 That's good.
01:54:10.000 You're well rested.
01:54:11.000 But vitamins are important.
01:54:12.000 Even on a healthy diet, I believe very strongly in vitamins.
01:54:16.000 I've had health issues that were corrected by vitamins.
01:54:19.000 Take them every day.
01:54:20.000 Shroom tech. 1.00
01:54:20.000 Take that shit, son. 1.00
01:54:22.000 That's shroom tech immune. 1.00
01:54:23.000 That's the shit for you. 1.00
01:54:24.000 Even though I eat healthy, you want to take it with me? 1.00
01:54:27.000 Yeah, it's yours.
01:54:28.000 I'll give you all the other stuff too.
01:54:29.000 You have a flashlight.
01:54:31.000 You sure you don't want one?
01:54:33.000 What am I going to use that for?
01:54:34.000 You can just practice.
01:54:35.000 I don't want friends to come over.
01:54:36.000 I don't want anyone to come over and see that.
01:54:39.000 It could be a novelty item.
01:54:41.000 It could be a what?
01:54:42.000 A novelty item.
01:54:43.000 The other day I took a picture of me sitting on my couch and one of my bras was behind me.
01:54:48.000 And it's not like a cute bra.
01:54:50.000 It's like one of these like tan like... 0.98
01:54:52.000 Utility bras?
01:54:53.000 Yeah!
01:54:53.000 Well, you have rather large bras, so do you have to have special supporting type bras?
01:54:58.000 Yeah, do you go to Sears for your bras?
01:55:00.000 Sears?
01:55:00.000 I'm not poor.
01:55:01.000 Oh, look at the way you said that.
01:55:03.000 Oh my god.
01:55:04.000 Did you know Sears is one of the few places you can actually have, like, custom-made bras? 0.98
01:55:08.000 If your boobs are too big for a normal thing, they can measure you. 0.97
01:55:11.000 I don't have, like, freak... 0.96
01:55:12.000 I don't have, like...
01:55:13.000 Well, one of them is.
01:55:14.000 Well, yeah.
01:55:15.000 The problem one.
01:55:15.000 What about the one with your teeth?
01:55:18.000 The one that used to be your twin.
01:55:21.000 It's just bones.
01:55:22.000 It has a spinal column in there.
01:55:24.000 There's like a little wishbone in there, and that's a little wishbone and like a tooth.
01:55:28.000 It cries.
01:55:29.000 Well, we could take it out, but we might have to remove the entire tit.
01:55:33.000 So you had to choose between a wishbone and tooth-ridden tit.
01:55:36.000 Sounds like rappers.
01:55:38.000 Yeah.
01:55:38.000 It sneezes once in a while.
01:55:39.000 Yeah, that's my new group.
01:55:42.000 That's my posse.
01:55:42.000 This is my boy, Wishbone.
01:55:44.000 And this is Bone Ridden Tit.
01:55:47.000 Anyways, my bra was behind me and that was embarrassing enough that someone saw that.
01:55:51.000 I don't want a flashlight sitting around me.
01:55:53.000 Why is it embarrassing for a bra? 0.96
01:55:55.000 Because it's an ugly bra.
01:55:56.000 These are strangers, and I can understand if you deliberately do it, but when someone sees into your home without you knowing, like the fact that they saw that and I wasn't aware of it.
01:56:05.000 No, it's an ugly bra also.
01:56:06.000 It's not like, oh, that's hot.
01:56:07.000 No one's ever looked at a nude-colored bra and been like, oh.
01:56:11.000 Is that to minimize under your t-shirts?
01:56:14.000 Like, it's just not hot.
01:56:16.000 Yeah, I can see that, I guess.
01:56:18.000 If I was a chick.
01:56:19.000 Yeah.
01:56:19.000 It's not like...
01:56:20.000 Dudes don't give a fuck. 1.00
01:56:21.000 Yeah, they do. 1.00
01:56:22.000 You find sweaty shirts and shit. 0.99
01:56:24.000 Oh, I thought you meant for looking at bras. 0.99
01:56:25.000 Oh, but coming over a girl's house and finding bras... 1.00
01:56:28.000 You don't want to see an ugly bra. 1.00
01:56:29.000 A cute bra is fine. 0.97
01:56:30.000 Oh, you're out of your mind. 1.00
01:56:31.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00
01:56:31.000 Really? 1.00
01:56:32.000 Unless it's grandma.
01:56:33.000 Really grandma-ly.
01:56:34.000 By the time I get you... 0.93
01:56:35.000 I'll show you a picture of an ugly bra. 1.00
01:56:37.000 I don't know what kind of guys you're hanging out with, but any guy that gets turned off by a fucking bra laying around... 1.00
01:56:42.000 Not turned off, but there are more attractive. 1.00
01:56:44.000 Not that I want to turn...
01:56:45.000 I don't... 0.99
01:56:46.000 Guys don't give a fuck. 1.00
01:56:47.000 Are you crazy? 1.00
01:56:47.000 I understand guys don't give a fuck. 1.00
01:56:48.000 I'm saying if you had a choice. 0.99
01:56:50.000 We have such a completely different idea of what's good and bad and what's nice and not nice.
01:56:54.000 If we walked in your house and there's a bra on the ground, we would laugh. 0.99
01:56:58.000 Yeah.
01:56:58.000 You would, but, and I understand guys don't care.
01:57:00.000 Like, girls are like, oh, does my underwear match? 1.00
01:57:02.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 0.99
01:57:03.000 I totally get that. 0.99
01:57:03.000 I'm just saying, if you had a choice of looking at, like, a really cute lacy black bra versus, like, grandma's nude full coverage utility bra, you'd rather see the cute one. 0.99
01:57:12.000 Well, I guess, but really, we don't give a fuck. 0.99
01:57:14.000 It's all for you. 1.00
01:57:16.000 Most guys don't give a shit about lingerie. 1.00
01:57:18.000 Get that shit off. 1.00
01:57:19.000 I want to see your body. 1.00
01:57:20.000 I agree, I agree.
01:57:21.000 I don't get turned on by...
01:57:22.000 You can pick your dog up, because I have a litter box in here.
01:57:25.000 For real. 0.99
01:57:25.000 Her breath does smell like nasty butthole. 0.99
01:57:27.000 Yeah, don't have your dog eat my cat's shit. 1.00
01:57:29.000 Come here! 1.00
01:57:30.000 Come here, I love you.
01:57:30.000 That would be the circle of life.
01:57:31.000 You're such a strange person, Eliza Slush, Joe.
01:57:34.000 Circle of life.
01:57:35.000 Your little animal that you take care of and bring everywhere.
01:57:38.000 Interesting.
01:57:38.000 Yeah.
01:57:39.000 His face. 0.95
01:57:41.000 She could be a mean woman! 1.00
01:57:44.000 Whoa. 1.00
01:57:45.000 She's got teeth and shit. 1.00
01:57:46.000 Isn't that weird? 1.00
01:57:47.000 She's probably developed to kill rats in the sewer too, right? 1.00
01:57:50.000 Yeah. 0.64
01:57:51.000 When I give her her toys, she breaks their necks. 0.99
01:57:53.000 She's half-long her dogs and half-long her chihuahua. 1.00
01:57:56.000 What is the first one?
01:57:57.000 Half long-haired dachshund.
01:57:59.000 Long-haired dachshund.
01:58:00.000 Oh, I see that.
01:58:00.000 And she likes the apples.
01:58:01.000 That's a cool mix.
01:58:01.000 She likes apples and carrots.
01:58:03.000 Didn't they make dachshunds for that very reason?
01:58:04.000 To go after things like that's where they had long bodies, little short legs. 1.00
01:58:08.000 Just go in rat holes or something like that.
01:58:10.000 Wasn't that like Jack Russell Terriers?
01:58:11.000 I know they bred them for that.
01:58:13.000 Jack Russell Terriers are aggressive little doggies. 1.00
01:58:16.000 Going after squirrels and shit. 1.00
01:58:17.000 Does Blanche ever bark? 1.00
01:58:19.000 Yeah.
01:58:19.000 Is it a barker?
01:58:20.000 Mm-hmm.
01:58:20.000 She'll bark at like squirrels and stuff.
01:58:22.000 She's not a social dog.
01:58:23.000 She doesn't care like for other dogs. 1.00
01:58:24.000 When your dog eats poop, does it make you love her a little bit less?
01:58:28.000 She doesn't do it.
01:58:29.000 It's disappointing.
01:58:30.000 It's like finding out your daughter does crystal meth.
01:58:31.000 It's like getting your car broken into, yeah.
01:58:34.000 Yeah, she's a good girl.
01:58:36.000 I mean, look at that face.
01:58:37.000 I know. 0.98
01:58:38.000 But she eats poop. 1.00
01:58:40.000 And see, that's what my dog does.
01:58:41.000 She doesn't actively eat.
01:58:42.000 It's not like she takes it every day.
01:58:43.000 Well, she's not going to pass up on it if it's on the buffet.
01:58:46.000 Yeah.
01:58:47.000 You used to have a bit about that, didn't you?
01:58:48.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:58:50.000 It's fucking gross. 1.00
01:58:51.000 You don't get like this with your pets? 1.00
01:58:52.000 I do.
01:58:53.000 With your daughters?
01:58:54.000 Do you ever get this aggressive, like, oh my god...
01:58:57.000 With my daughters a little bit, but not really with my pets.
01:59:00.000 It would freak my cat out, and my dog's pretty big.
01:59:03.000 You don't really want him getting into it.
01:59:05.000 No, you don't want him in your face.
01:59:05.000 But when you love something, in my act I talk about how I want to rip her face off, like when you love something so much, like you just want to hurt it.
01:59:11.000 I think that's a girl thing. 0.88
01:59:13.000 Yeah, that's a girl thing. 0.99
01:59:15.000 That's why relationships always end. 0.98
01:59:17.000 Girls want to bite your face off? 1.00
01:59:19.000 Yeah, they love it so much they want to hurt you. 1.00
01:59:21.000 I'm going to fucking hurt you, you little freak. 1.00
01:59:23.000 Seems like that's true, though. 1.00
01:59:25.000 Girls always want to hurt the person they're with and me. 1.00
01:59:29.000 Well, it might just be you. 0.91
01:59:31.000 I mean, how many fake abortions did I pay for? 1.00
01:59:34.000 There won't be any abortions! 1.00
01:59:36.000 Listen, powerful people.
01:59:39.000 I can't help it. 0.99
01:59:39.000 Powerful people, this fucking podcast is over. 0.99
01:59:41.000 Elijah Schlesinger, if people want to find you, if they want to catch you out there in the wild world, on Twitter, you are... 0.99
01:59:47.000 Find me on Twitter, at I-L-I-Z-A, which you've already...
01:59:50.000 I-L-I-Z-A, and we will tweet this after the show.
01:59:55.000 We tweeted it before the show as well.
01:59:56.000 I'm tweeting it right now.
01:59:57.000 Do you have a website?
01:59:59.000 Oh, it's just Eliza.com.
02:00:01.000 Really?
02:00:01.000 How'd you get both of those?
02:00:03.000 No one spells their name like me.
02:00:04.000 Oh, that's awesome.
02:00:05.000 Oh, you're so lucky.
02:00:06.000 That's so easy to memorize.
02:00:08.000 It is, but no one spells like that, so everyone's like, I tried it with an E, and I couldn't find you.
02:00:13.000 Where are you going to be doing your little stand-up comedy routine?
02:00:16.000 I'll be this weekend at the LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio.
02:00:19.000 LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio.
02:00:22.000 Where is that?
02:00:23.000 What part of San Antonio is it?
02:00:25.000 Is it near the river?
02:00:26.000 It's off the 410 loop.
02:00:27.000 Oh, okay, cool.
02:00:28.000 So there's two comedy clubs in San Antonio now?
02:00:31.000 I don't know.
02:00:31.000 I think there was another one, right?
02:00:32.000 Wasn't there another one?
02:00:33.000 Where did Pauly Shore get punched?
02:00:34.000 The fake punch incident?
02:00:35.000 Remember that?
02:00:37.000 Yeah.
02:00:38.000 They made a fake video of a guy beating him up, and everybody got so excited that he got beat up.
02:00:42.000 It was the opposite of what they wanted.
02:00:44.000 That's so funny.
02:00:44.000 It was really horrible, man.
02:00:46.000 That was the first time, because that was one of the first celebrity things like that, where a guy faked something.
02:00:51.000 Isn't that the one where he's like, dude, dude, dude, and then he punches him?
02:00:53.000 Isn't that?
02:00:53.000 Yeah.
02:00:54.000 The guy gets on stage and the guy's fucking huge. 0.98
02:00:56.000 And then the video they released afterwards is him working it out. 1.00
02:01:00.000 But the negative comments after the first video were like, yeah, fuck that faggot, punch him in the face. 1.00
02:01:05.000 The things, the hate that he received must have been horrific. 1.00
02:01:09.000 To know that people feel like that about you.
02:01:12.000 There's so many people.
02:01:14.000 And that it was so accepted.
02:01:15.000 There was no one standing up for him.
02:01:17.000 There was no one that was going, hey man, In the Army Now is one of my favorite all time movies. 1.00
02:01:20.000 Fuck you. 1.00
02:01:21.000 You're the asshole. 1.00
02:01:22.000 Paul Scherb makes millions of people smile. 1.00
02:01:25.000 That was some...
02:01:26.000 That's hardcore.
02:01:27.000 That was intense.
02:01:28.000 It was intense.
02:01:29.000 It was a horrible moment in your life.
02:01:31.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:01:31.000 Texas, they fucking party though. 1.00
02:01:33.000 I do love going back to Texas. 0.99
02:01:35.000 We haven't been in a while.
02:01:36.000 I think next gig we're going to do is in Austin. 0.97
02:01:40.000 Trying to work that shit out for the spring. 0.98
02:01:42.000 You probably don't play clubs. 0.99
02:01:43.000 You do like theaters.
02:01:44.000 I do clubs and theaters.
02:01:45.000 See, I've been coming to this one club in Austin for so long, it would feel weird if I didn't go back there.
02:01:50.000 Yeah, I did my first DVD there in 1999. So I can't...
02:01:56.000 That's my spot.
02:01:57.000 Can I tell you a really humbling moment I had at Cap City?
02:02:00.000 Aside from when a fan brought a buck knife to meet me, which was uncomfortable.
02:02:03.000 Did he have it on his belt so you saw it?
02:02:05.000 It was behind him, yeah.
02:02:07.000 Okay.
02:02:07.000 And he came up and he was like, hey, it was very like, what is your problem?
02:02:10.000 When I called and I was like, hey, I'm driving over.
02:02:13.000 Where can I park?
02:02:14.000 And they didn't care that I was the headliner.
02:02:16.000 They're like, there's a Hobby Lobby across the street, across the freeway.
02:02:19.000 Oh, yeah.
02:02:20.000 You can just park over at the Hobby Lobby.
02:02:22.000 I'm like, there's no parking.
02:02:23.000 No, Hobby Lobby.
02:02:25.000 I'm like, I'll just make the hike over.
02:02:26.000 You were the headliner?
02:02:27.000 Yeah.
02:02:27.000 Dude, that's not even true.
02:02:28.000 You know, there's a back alley where they always tell us to park.
02:02:30.000 They always park right behind you.
02:02:31.000 Not only do they wait for us, too, but...
02:02:34.000 We're men.
02:02:35.000 We are men.
02:02:36.000 It's a difference.
02:02:36.000 That's very weird.
02:02:37.000 Maybe I should have been more assertive.
02:02:38.000 Yeah.
02:02:38.000 In general, I should be more aggressive.
02:02:40.000 Maybe it was a girl answering the phone. 0.99
02:02:43.000 Maybe she didn't know or maybe it was like a manager that didn't know and I'm not the kind of person to be like, do you know who I am? 1.00
02:02:49.000 Your dog's going to eat cat shit. 1.00
02:02:50.000 Come here! 1.00
02:02:51.000 She's on her way.
02:02:51.000 Come here!
02:02:52.000 Go get her. 1.00
02:02:53.000 Let me see that face.
02:02:54.000 Yeah.
02:02:57.000 What were we talking about?
02:02:58.000 Cap City?
02:02:59.000 That's it.
02:03:00.000 You were saying you love Austin and I was saying I'll be in San Antonio.
02:03:03.000 Yeah, but you were talking about them not giving you, oh, this is what I was going to say.
02:03:06.000 Hobby Lobby. 0.99
02:03:07.000 Do you think that that's like a girl that a girl just didn't want, like she was answering the phone, like fucking female, comedian, thinks she's going to come in, headline, females ain't even good. 1.00
02:03:14.000 You know, I don't, because it wasn't even the first night. 0.98
02:03:17.000 No.
02:03:17.000 I think it was so many times we don't realize how, a lot of people that, Have jobs in general.
02:03:22.000 You're working at a comedy club, they're not necessarily up to, like, they don't really know what's going on.
02:03:27.000 It could have been that, or maybe there was something, there might have been something going on where they were doing maintenance and you couldn't park.
02:03:32.000 I just, it was such an odd thing, and I, as a girl, it's so quick, you're so, it's so easy to get labeled a mean name if you stand up.
02:03:40.000 So I just, sometimes I'm just very like, okay, no problem. 0.92
02:03:43.000 Did you hear that, what the fuck is his name again, that got fired, Eddie Brill, who got fired from Letterman? 0.96
02:03:49.000 What did he say? 0.99
02:03:50.000 He said, what was it, women, something about how women try to be more like men in their acts, and that's why they're not funny or something.
02:03:58.000 I 1,000% think that there's no way he got fired because of that one comment.
02:04:02.000 Yeah.
02:04:03.000 Like, let's get serious.
02:04:04.000 I don't know what else he did, but no one stands up for women that much. 0.56
02:04:08.000 Like, women get raped every day, and people can still keep their jobs. 1.00
02:04:10.000 Probably just a bad poker hand. 0.99
02:04:12.000 Yeah.
02:04:12.000 Yeah, but it's different when you're on a show like that.
02:04:15.000 Where you're the judge, yeah.
02:04:17.000 When you're the one whose...
02:04:18.000 Your job is to discern who's capable of being on the show.
02:04:22.000 And if you say something so blatantly sexist and so blatantly judgmental, like he's formed an opinion.
02:04:27.000 Yeah.
02:04:27.000 And that's one of the reasons why women can't be funny.
02:04:29.000 I mean, he didn't even qualify with, you know, there are some women that try to be like men and... 0.73
02:04:34.000 It's a balancing act, which it is.
02:04:37.000 I think it's more difficult for a woman. 0.98
02:04:39.000 I think he just saw some shitty comics. 0.91
02:04:40.000 I'm sorry. 0.98
02:04:41.000 A lot of them are shitty, and he probably just watched those tapes.
02:04:44.000 I've never sent in a tape, so I was actually upset that his sentence wasn't, except for Eliza Schlesinger, she's awesome. 0.70
02:04:50.000 I genuinely thought I would be included in the conversation. 0.97
02:04:53.000 Were you upset when you hear shit like that? 0.99
02:04:55.000 Do you feel like that gives you a ramp that you have to run up where everybody else has an even start? 0.99
02:05:01.000 Gotta be honest.
02:05:02.000 I feel that my act is just so different than every other girl that I just don't include myself in the same category as most female comics.
02:05:11.000 Why is that?
02:05:12.000 I just do.
02:05:13.000 I see the audience.
02:05:14.000 I see my material.
02:05:15.000 I see topics that most women talk about versus what I talk about and the approaches and stuff like that and I just have never viewed women as the competition I think of everyone as a competition but I just don't um I've never seen a girl you really do though you really do think of people as the competition which I always thought is fascinating because I was a very competitive person but I tried to never look at other comics as competition because I think it's unhealthy I 0.64
02:05:41.000 I think the way to look at comics is use them for inspiration, be inspired by them, but it's not like you're playing a game where they can keep you from doing it.
02:05:49.000 It's not like you're playing football and they can keep you from getting the ball.
02:05:51.000 No, it's not direct competition.
02:05:54.000 You're smart about it.
02:05:55.000 I don't go online and watch everyone else.
02:05:57.000 I don't Google other people.
02:05:59.000 It's not like that.
02:05:59.000 You don't ever watch other acts?
02:06:01.000 At the clubs and stuff.
02:06:02.000 And sometimes I'll go on and I'll watch certain ones that I really like, but I don't do it out of being envious.
02:06:06.000 And you keep an ear to it.
02:06:08.000 Oh, he auditioned for that, or she did this, or that's a showcase you want to get.
02:06:12.000 I like going and watching people online because it gives me a charge.
02:06:15.000 I get excited.
02:06:16.000 If I see somebody good, if somebody sends me a clip, hey, check this guy out.
02:06:19.000 And I go watch and it's really fun. 0.97
02:06:21.000 I go, oh, that's fucking funny. 0.97
02:06:23.000 I want to write. 0.91
02:06:24.000 I get charged up like, whoa, I want to create something cool that does to me or does to someone else the way that did to me.
02:06:31.000 That is the way I felt the first time I saw Dane Cook.
02:06:34.000 This is a long time ago.
02:06:35.000 This must have been five years ago when I had just started and someone took me to the Laugh Factory.
02:06:39.000 And it was like that tourgasm. 0.88
02:06:41.000 It was fucking like no one else had that. 0.97
02:06:43.000 When did you start? 0.98
02:06:43.000 What year? 0.98
02:06:45.000 I graduated college in 2005. So maybe I started in 2006, 2006. That's pretty fresh.
02:06:50.000 2005, 2006. That's kind of amazing.
02:06:52.000 So you won the last comic standing.
02:06:55.000 You've only been doing it for, what, four years?
02:06:56.000 Three years.
02:06:57.000 Three years?
02:06:57.000 That's amazing.
02:06:58.000 But when I see comedy I like, it makes me happy.
02:07:01.000 I never think, oh, I have to know.
02:07:02.000 When did you start headlining on the road?
02:07:04.000 Right after last comic.
02:07:05.000 That is crazy.
02:07:06.000 They were like, by the way, you're a headliner now.
02:07:07.000 How much time did you have?
02:07:09.000 I had 45 minutes.
02:07:11.000 Already?
02:07:11.000 After three years?
02:07:12.000 Just because from doing Last Comic, you just start building.
02:07:14.000 I'm not saying it was the most solid, but when they tell you, by the way, you have to headline now, you have one shot to headline, and if you fuck it up, they're going to put you at the bottom of the list.
02:07:23.000 And a lot of guys did do that, right? 0.68
02:07:25.000 A lot of guys did fuck it up.
02:07:26.000 I knew that, and I was just like, I'm not going to give it...
02:07:29.000 I'm going to make sure I have it.
02:07:30.000 Yeah, to all the people that did really well from Last Comic, it's like you, Hefron, Ralphie Mae...
02:07:37.000 And a couple other people, right?
02:07:39.000 John Reap.
02:07:39.000 John Reap.
02:07:40.000 John Reap did really well.
02:07:41.000 Yeah, of course.
02:07:42.000 What?
02:07:43.000 Is that Rick Ross?
02:07:45.000 The rappers?
02:07:46.000 Ew! 0.98
02:07:47.000 What?
02:07:48.000 He sent you Rick Ross? 0.99
02:07:49.000 No, it's just like some huge black guy. 0.99
02:07:51.000 Wow. 1.00
02:07:52.000 Big black guy with his cock hanging out. 1.00
02:07:54.000 The big... 1.00
02:07:54.000 That is... 1.00
02:07:56.000 Forward me that, just in case.
02:07:57.000 I don't...
02:07:58.000 I might need that.
02:07:59.000 And he's uncircumcised. 0.98
02:08:00.000 That's really gross. 0.99
02:08:01.000 That's so gross. 0.96
02:08:02.000 Speaking of uncircumcised, this podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. 0.89
02:08:06.000 We want to give thanks to The Fleshlight.
02:08:08.000 Thanks to Eliza Schlesinger for being hilarious as always.
02:08:10.000 Thanks for having me again.
02:08:10.000 This was really, really fun.
02:08:11.000 This was fun.
02:08:12.000 This was even better.
02:08:13.000 We know each other better than the last time we did it.
02:08:15.000 It was much more loose and relaxed, I think.
02:08:17.000 I'm excited to get...
02:08:18.000 You're going to take me fighting.
02:08:19.000 Yeah, I would totally.
02:08:20.000 I'll take you to the gym.
02:08:21.000 Yeah.
02:08:22.000 Yeah, I'll teach you some Muay Thai. 0.68
02:08:24.000 I'll take you to a Muay Thai class, learn how to kick people's legs. 1.00
02:08:27.000 It's fun.
02:08:27.000 It's great exercise, too.
02:08:29.000 It gives you a skill, but it also gives you something to do at the gym.
02:08:34.000 I'm going to need something to fall back on when the standard doesn't work.
02:08:37.000 I bet you could be a serious fighter if you wanted to be.
02:08:39.000 You're very smart and you're very competitive.
02:08:41.000 All you have to do is do the right steps.
02:08:43.000 Don't slack off.
02:08:44.000 Be disciplined.
02:08:44.000 Don't wear a bra.
02:08:46.000 Those are legit too, right?
02:08:47.000 Yeah.
02:08:48.000 They're not like bags of silicone.
02:08:50.000 Well, that's good.
02:08:51.000 They actually have chest protectors.
02:08:52.000 They have silicone.
02:08:54.000 Plates.
02:08:55.000 These things.
02:08:56.000 Yeah, you wear them.
02:08:56.000 It's like a hard plastic.
02:08:58.000 It's like a bra protector sort of a plate.
02:09:00.000 Yeah, I don't know how much it helps.
02:09:02.000 I mean, I don't know what the science behind it is.
02:09:03.000 They've developed some pretty good science for the balls recently.
02:09:06.000 They have some new stuff to protect the balls.
02:09:08.000 Ball science! 0.99
02:09:09.000 All our best ball scientists have been hard at work protecting your junk. 0.98
02:09:13.000 They've been hard at work. 0.99
02:09:15.000 Hard at work.
02:09:17.000 Clang!
02:09:18.000 Trying different combinations of things and hitting people with balls and fastballs. 1.00
02:09:22.000 Alright, that's the end of this fucking podcast. 1.00
02:09:24.000 Eliza, you're the shit. 1.00
02:09:25.000 Thank you for joining us. 0.99
02:09:27.000 It's nice to have so many cool friends.
02:09:30.000 We're so lucky.
02:09:31.000 All of us, for real, right? 0.97
02:09:32.000 As comedians, we're so lucky to have all these fucking cool friends. 0.75
02:09:35.000 One of the coolest things about this podcast is this big group of people that we have brought together. 0.91
02:09:40.000 And Eliza, you're in the fold.
02:09:41.000 You're in there. 1.00
02:09:42.000 You're in the fucking mix. 1.00
02:09:43.000 Thank you. 0.99
02:09:44.000 Please, thank you.
02:09:45.000 Alright, thanks to the Fleshlight.
02:09:46.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, and you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for me! 0.99
02:09:55.000 Oh, shit! 0.99
02:09:56.000 And we were also brought to you by Onnit. 1.00
02:09:58.000 Onnit.com.
02:10:00.000 Onnit, the makers of AlphaBrain.
02:10:02.000 O-N-N-I-T dot com. 1.00
02:10:04.000 Makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancement supplement.
02:10:08.000 ShroomTech Sport, the endurance and energy supplement for extreme athletic pursuits.
02:10:14.000 If you're into kettlebells or CrossFit classes or Jiu-Jitsu, try out some ShroomTech Sport. 1.00
02:10:19.000 It is the shit. 0.99
02:10:20.000 I enjoy it. 1.00
02:10:21.000 I take it before every one of my serious workouts.
02:10:23.000 We're also brought to you by Shroom Tech Immune.
02:10:25.000 There's a bunch of different products on Onnit.com.
02:10:27.000 Go there, check it out.
02:10:28.000 If you go to my website, JoeRogan.net, click on the link for AlphaBrain, enter in the code name ROGAN, you'll save 10% off.
02:10:34.000 And as always, the first 30 pills, the first size you buy, whatever it is, first order rather, if you don't like it, you get 100% money back guarantee.
02:10:43.000 You don't even have to send it back in.
02:10:44.000 Alright?
02:10:45.000 We love you freaks.
02:10:46.000 Tomorrow, we'll see you soon.
02:10:48.000 Yeah, tomorrow.
02:10:49.000 It'll be one of the best shows we could ever put together.
02:10:52.000 It'll be Little Esther. 0.99
02:10:53.000 It'll be Joey motherfucking Diaz. 0.99
02:10:55.000 Duncan Trussell. 0.99
02:10:56.000 Brian Redband.
02:10:58.000 Jason Tebow.
02:10:58.000 Jason Tebow.
02:10:59.000 And me.
02:11:00.000 All at the Ice House.
02:11:01.000 It's only like 15 bucks, right?
02:11:03.000 IcehouseComedy.com.
02:11:04.000 And Ice House is, by the way, run by some of the nicest people. 0.99
02:11:07.000 The waitstaff is cool as fuck. 0.86
02:11:09.000 The whole place has a great vibe to it. 0.99
02:11:11.000 It's a really cool, old-school comedy club in Pasadena that's been around since the 1960s, I think.
02:11:17.000 It's really badass.
02:11:18.000 It's one of my favorite places.
02:11:19.000 And it's also where we do the Ice House Chronicles podcast, which is, while we're doing shows there, simultaneously we have a studio and we do podcasts at the same time.
02:11:28.000 Eliza Slushier, you've been on that podcast.
02:11:30.000 I have.
02:11:31.000 Twice.
02:11:31.000 Twice.
02:11:32.000 Once was a scratch.
02:11:33.000 And when we do it, it's really...
02:11:36.000 Your dog just went in there. 1.00
02:11:38.000 He's eating shit. 1.00
02:11:39.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
02:11:41.000 Anyway, um...
02:11:42.000 He's helping you out.
02:11:43.000 We're, uh, whatever.
02:11:45.000 Onnit.com, blah, blah, blah.
02:11:46.000 Okay, so this Thursday night, how did they get to it?
02:11:49.000 IcehouseComedy.com.
02:11:50.000 We also have a show Friday without Joe Rogan, but a bunch of other comics.
02:11:53.000 So IcehouseComedy.com.
02:11:54.000 Also, Friday, if you're going to be in Vegas, I am going to be with Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell. 0.93
02:11:59.000 We're doing the House of Motherfucking Blues at the Mandalay Bay.
02:12:02.000 Then the next day, it's Carlos Condit and Nick Diaz. 0.99
02:12:05.000 Jesus Christ, the fucking stars have aligned! 0.99
02:12:09.000 It's going to be crazy. 0.99
02:12:10.000 It's going to be an awesome, epic weekend between two of the best fighters on the planet Earth and two of the three best 170-pounders in the world.
02:12:17.000 And this is going to be chaos. 0.81
02:12:18.000 I can't fucking wait. 0.99
02:12:20.000 The whole card is nasty. 1.00
02:12:21.000 The whole card is sick.
02:12:23.000 And so that's this weekend.
02:12:24.000 Friday night, House of Blues.
02:12:25.000 Tomorrow night, Thursday night, Pasadena Ice House.
02:12:28.000 For all information, go follow me on Twitter.
02:12:30.000 Follow Red Band.
02:12:31.000 Follow Eliza. 0.74
02:12:32.000 I-L-I-Z-A. Super easy.
02:12:34.000 And anybody else they should follow?
02:12:36.000 Any friend you want to plug?
02:12:37.000 Oh, can I say one thing?
02:12:38.000 Sure.
02:12:39.000 Text from Bennett.
02:12:41.000 The Twitter account that I told you about that's hilarious.
02:12:43.000 That has like a billion followers.
02:12:44.000 I'm going to show it to you.
02:12:44.000 Yeah, explain it again.
02:12:45.000 It's this guy.
02:12:47.000 There's Mac Lethal and he's this white guy who's got a cousin who thinks he's black and the guy sends him texts all the time. 0.51
02:12:52.000 He doesn't know that he has this account and it's the funniest, most ignorant stuff you've ever heard and he's created this account but he is a huge fan and he wanted you to know.
02:13:00.000 Oh, please.
02:13:01.000 I'm going there right now.
02:13:02.000 Will you send him a tweet?
02:13:03.000 I'll show you. 1.00
02:13:03.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00
02:13:03.000 What is it? 1.00
02:13:04.000 Text from what?
02:13:05.000 It's like T-X-T-S from Bennett.
02:13:07.000 B-E-N-N-E-T-T. All right. 1.00
02:13:09.000 Alright.
02:13:10.000 Alright, that's it.
02:13:11.000 Sorry the page doesn't exist. 0.99
02:13:12.000 We love you, bitches. 1.00
02:13:13.000 We'll see you soon. 0.99