The Joe Rogan Experience - February 16, 2012


Joe Rogan Experience #186 - Ari Shaffir

Topics
vitamins and regulation cat operating systems police corruption weed shops and licenses in Denver Voter Fraud Ice House shows Texas accent Suck My Cock drink invention drunk cast
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Ari Shaffir
Mentioned
Brian Callen Ari Shafir Joe Rogan Experience Podcast Obama Doug Benson Donald Sutherland Joey Diaz Donald Rumsfeld Charles Taylor Terry Hatcher Meg Tilly Ron Paul Rick Santorum Grant Grand Blair Sharon Stone Romance Terrence McKenna Brody Stevens Jesus Christ Chuck Lorre and 109 more
Joe Rogan Experience #185 - Tom Segura Joe Rogan Experience #187 - Daniele Bolelli

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 9 minutes

Words per minute

223.17

Word count

28,986

Sentence count

4,028

Harmful content

Misogyny

206

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,041

sentences flagged

Hate speech

106

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Joe Rogan is joined by neurosurgeon Dr. Sam Harris to talk about the Fleshlight, sex toys, and Dexter. Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by The Fleshlight. To get a discount code "Rogan" and receive 20% off your first purchase, go to joeoganexperience.net/discount and enter the code: JOERogan at checkout to receive $10 off your purchase. The deal expires on October 31st, 2019. Thanks to all the listeners and supporters of the show, we can't do this without you! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. This episode was produced by Riley Bray. Our theme song is Come Alone by Suneaters, courtesy of Lotuspool Records, and our ad music is by Build Buildings Records. Please rate, review, and subscribe to our podcast on Apple Podcasts, and other podcasting platforms! If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE and leave us a rating and review! We'll be looking out for the next episode next week with a review and a review on iTunes! Thank you so much for all the support, and we'll see you next week for the podcast, Joe Rogans Experience! See ya soon! XOXO! Joe and the boys at the Joesandrews . XO Brian and the guys at and the crew at The Fleshlights. . . . and the Fleshlights at The Fresh Light The Freshlight at The Deadlight Thanks, , and the Fresh Light at The Jerks at The Bathroom and The Deadlights at the Deadlight at the Sex Pistols at the Baths and The Piggies at the Bachelorette at the Redwood Project at the Backyard at the White House at the PODCAST at the Ritz and The Bodega House at the Hustler at the next show at The B& B at the Grove at the PodX at the Cuff and the B & The Pizzeria at the House of the P& S at the G & The B & B at The P& B at The Grove at The Ritz at the Stucco House at The Park at The White House & The Coffee Shop at The Stuccia

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 Did you change the background?
00:00:02.000 Alright, now you are.
00:00:02.000 Yes, I did.
00:00:03.000 Beautiful.
00:00:05.000 Fly me to the moon.
00:00:08.000 Don't sue me.
00:00:10.000 That's all I can say.
00:00:10.000 Can they sue for that much?
00:00:11.000 Probably.
00:00:12.000 They'll sue for whatever they want.
00:00:13.000 Probably get you just for the tone.
00:00:15.000 I bet you go...
00:00:18.000 They own that. 1.00
00:00:19.000 Those fucks. 1.00
00:00:21.000 Those fucks. 1.00
00:00:23.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. 0.99
00:00:26.000 Someday, we're going to have Sam Harris on the podcast.
00:00:29.000 I had lunch with him today.
00:00:30.000 Famed neurosurgeon, prominent atheist, author, genius extraordinaire.
00:00:35.000 And on that day, The Fleshlight, I'm going to tell you what, we won't be talking about you.
00:00:40.000 You can't be able to sponsor that one?
00:00:42.000 He's sensitive to it.
00:00:43.000 And rightly so. 0.99
00:00:45.000 If people found his shit online and they went and researched that and we talked for the first 20 minutes about the flashlight. 0.99
00:00:51.000 Discredit him in some way. 1.00
00:00:53.000 Not sex.
00:00:54.000 Sex talk? 0.59
00:00:54.000 No. 0.59
00:00:55.000 But sex toy? 0.99
00:00:56.000 Maybe. 0.99
00:00:56.000 What if we disguise it? 0.99
00:00:57.000 Like if we just talk about something else?
00:00:59.000 You know, like what if we disguise it as that?
00:01:01.000 Our deal with the Fleshlight was back when we only had one podcast a week.
00:01:05.000 And, you know, now we do often three podcasts a week and we still talk about the Fleshlight.
00:01:11.000 You know, we never tried to charge them more money ever. 0.99
00:01:14.000 I think if they skip a podcast, they're just going to have to deal with that shit. 0.99
00:01:17.000 Sometimes you have to if it's... 0.98
00:01:18.000 The content doesn't come up for it.
00:01:19.000 It is what it is.
00:01:20.000 I'm a huge supporter of the Fresh Light.
00:01:22.000 I really wish Sam could just sit here and we could talk about it like two intelligent people.
00:01:28.000 You know? 0.99
00:01:28.000 Is it fucking up? 0.99
00:01:30.000 These things suck, man. 1.00
00:01:31.000 We gotta get new ones. 1.00
00:01:32.000 The thing's like a limp dick. 1.00
00:01:34.000 Look at it. 1.00
00:01:34.000 It's all floppy flop. 1.00
00:01:36.000 I got it now.
00:01:37.000 You got it?
00:01:38.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:01:38.000 Gotta talk right into that bitch. 1.00
00:01:40.000 Anyway, Fleshly is a solid product. 0.99
00:01:43.000 Everybody knows what it is.
00:01:44.000 You know the commercial.
00:01:45.000 You know the deal.
00:01:47.000 Brian pointed this out to me yesterday.
00:01:49.000 It's kind of freaking me out the other day.
00:01:50.000 It is the same thing.
00:01:52.000 I am saying the same thing.
00:01:53.000 So even though I'm trying not to say the same thing, I'm still saying the same thing.
00:01:56.000 Because ultimately, I have to say that to get you a discount, you go to JoeRogan.net and you click on the link and you enter in the code name Rogan.
00:02:03.000 All the other things.
00:02:04.000 You're saying just record it?
00:02:07.000 It might not be a bad idea, but people like this for whatever reason.
00:02:10.000 They like the fact that we don't.
00:02:12.000 It's better.
00:02:13.000 You're really talking.
00:02:14.000 I think it's just the certain parts where, especially when you're talking about Onnit, and you're like, steal your own products.
00:02:18.000 I know they know that, but there's people that are listening to this for the first time.
00:02:23.000 I know it sounds crazy.
00:02:23.000 To everybody else that's been on board from the beginning, we love you, we appreciate you very much, but we can't do a show just for you.
00:02:29.000 We have to do a show recognizing the fact that somebody might be tuning into this.
00:02:32.000 You know what I mean?
00:02:33.000 I don't like following shows.
00:02:35.000 I could never watch Dexter mid-season.
00:02:37.000 I'm not going to do it.
00:02:38.000 You lost me.
00:02:39.000 Because it all falls into each other. 1.00
00:02:42.000 I don't know who the fuck that guy is. 1.00
00:02:44.000 This girl. 1.00
00:02:45.000 Why is she calling him?
00:02:46.000 Why am I supposed to care?
00:02:47.000 I like that the whole years hold together year by year.
00:02:50.000 You might skip a season.
00:02:51.000 But you've got to watch them in order. 0.99
00:02:53.000 Someone could be tuning into this fucking show for the first time. 1.00
00:02:55.000 I don't want them to have to know a bunch of inside shit. 1.00
00:02:59.000 You know what my favorite thing is, is people are sitting on Twitter lately, is fleshlights stuffed into their mattresses and their beds and printouts of my face. 0.99
00:03:08.000 Like, above it, like on the mattress, so it looks like they're fucking it while looking at my face. 0.98
00:03:12.000 That's kind of hot. 0.99
00:03:13.000 Yeah, I like that.
00:03:13.000 Why not, bro?
00:03:14.000 As long as they're not mean. 0.99
00:03:15.000 As long as when they're done, they don't stab your picture and go fucking crazy. 0.94
00:03:19.000 Yeah, I wish it wasn't guys, you know? 0.98
00:03:21.000 I wish it wasn't guys, yeah.
00:03:22.000 Maybe there's some girls out there fingering themselves to you. 1.00
00:03:24.000 I bet there are. 1.00
00:03:25.000 Just rubbing their finger by his vagina. 1.00
00:03:27.000 Listen, this podcast reaches a lot of human beings. 1.00
00:03:29.000 Hundreds and hundreds of thousands.
00:03:31.000 There's got to be one girl out there that's, oh, Brian's on. 0.99
00:03:35.000 She just fucking gets crazy. 1.00
00:03:37.000 She's probably one of those girls that claws at her pussy. 1.00
00:03:39.000 You ever watch like a porno where a girl, she's clawing at it. 1.00
00:03:42.000 You're like, hey, hey, hey, are you sure?
00:03:44.000 - You don't.
00:03:45.000 - What was that?
00:03:46.000 - Is that your phone?
00:03:47.000 - That's Brody.
00:03:48.000 - Brody.
00:03:49.000 Brody Stevens.
00:03:50.000 Yeah, I don't like when they claw at it, man.
00:03:52.000 That makes me uncomfortable.
00:03:53.000 You know, like if I was doing that, I would feel like I was being way too rough. 1.00
00:03:57.000 You know, and this girl's just digging in her own pussy like, oh, what's going on there? 1.00
00:04:04.000 Is that thing just numb? 1.00
00:04:06.000 Yeah.
00:04:06.000 You know, that's what they say is actually some sort of a scientific thing.
00:04:10.000 No, no, no.
00:04:10.000 People that have, like, genital piercings, and, like, especially when they have a lot of them, that many of them, they believe it's connected to a disease where they don't feel things the same way we do.
00:04:22.000 They don't have the same amount of sensory input from pain, so they have to really hurt themselves to feel it.
00:04:29.000 Oh, in order to get it?
00:04:29.000 Yeah.
00:04:30.000 And then there's certain people that, you know, there's a broad spectrum of how the human body works and operates, and Sometimes the wonky thing is their pain doesn't work.
00:04:40.000 It doesn't work right.
00:04:41.000 And they want to experience pain. 0.99
00:04:43.000 So they'll pierce themselves, especially their genitals. 1.00
00:04:47.000 Besides sexual abuse, that's another thing with genital piercing. 1.00
00:04:52.000 Sexual abuse? 0.97
00:04:53.000 I thought it felt better for them.
00:04:55.000 Didn't you ever hear that?
00:04:56.000 Yeah, I've heard it with girls' clits and stuff like that. 1.00
00:04:59.000 But I always thought they were just crazy. 1.00
00:05:00.000 You know, but there's the video of the guy getting fucked to death by the horse, Mr. Hands, that guy's balls are all pierced up. 1.00
00:05:08.000 Oh, really? 0.99
00:05:08.000 Yeah, like a three-ring binder. 0.99
00:05:12.000 How many times have you watched that video?
00:05:13.000 I've watched it many times.
00:05:15.000 You've studied the cinematography? 1.00
00:05:17.000 Yeah, I could tell if you fucked with it. 1.00
00:05:18.000 Really? 0.99
00:05:18.000 If it was like the Zapruder film where you're trying to cut out scenes, I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what the... 0.99
00:05:23.000 The horse didn't come yet. 1.00
00:05:25.000 You cut some shit out. 1.00
00:05:26.000 You cut some shit out. 1.00
00:05:27.000 The horse came too quick. 1.00
00:05:28.000 The ball is bulging there, so you can tell it's still full of semen.
00:05:31.000 Onnit.com is our other sponsor, and I do have to say people are getting annoyed with these ads as well, but some people haven't heard them before, so I have to say it in a certain amount of order.
00:05:41.000 What, do you want to take a break in the middle?
00:05:42.000 Yeah.
00:05:43.000 Yeah, what do you want, folks? 0.99
00:05:44.000 What the fuck do you want me to do? 0.99
00:05:45.000 At least you're talking about it. 0.99
00:05:47.000 Remember radio hosts just go into their spiel in the middle?
00:05:50.000 Oh, it's the grossest thing.
00:05:51.000 It's PBS. Really?
00:05:52.000 I was listening to this Terrence McKenna interview, and he was on PBS, and every fucking five minutes, no bullshit, every five minutes, This is our fun drive, our big fun drive. 0.92
00:06:02.000 If you want to keep conversations going, this is a great conversation we're having right now with Terrence McKenna, please donate. 0.97
00:06:09.000 You can donate by bleh, bleh, bleh.
00:06:10.000 You can offer this and you get a cup.
00:06:12.000 You get your fresh air mug.
00:06:14.000 Was he in front of Terrence McKenna saying that?
00:06:16.000 Yes!
00:06:16.000 And he kept doing it.
00:06:18.000 It was brutal.
00:06:18.000 And then he just got away.
00:06:19.000 It's like, I will pay you anything to not have you do that.
00:06:23.000 You're torturing people.
00:06:24.000 Nobody wants to hear that. 0.99
00:06:25.000 That's a ridiculous thing. 1.00
00:06:27.000 You're making people who are listening to an hour interview listen to six fucking commercials. 1.00
00:06:32.000 You stop it six times! 1.00
00:06:35.000 Fuck you! 1.00
00:06:35.000 You know I heard it already! 1.00
00:06:37.000 What are you doing?
00:06:38.000 Are you pestering me? 1.00
00:06:39.000 Who the fuck do you think you're reaching? 1.00
00:06:41.000 Are they the same people? 1.00
00:06:42.000 Do random people just start tuning in halfway through this fucking thing? 1.00
00:06:46.000 They're shaking you down. 1.00
00:06:47.000 You asshole! 1.00
00:06:48.000 With boredom. 1.00
00:06:49.000 Cut it out! 0.99
00:06:49.000 That's their weapon. 0.99
00:06:50.000 Yeah, it's dull. 1.00
00:06:50.000 Makes you want to kill them. 1.00
00:06:52.000 Give me your money. 1.00
00:06:52.000 I will bore you more. 1.00
00:06:54.000 You fucking delusional cunt. 1.00
00:06:55.000 And the only reason why they think they can get away with this is because we rely on public funding. 1.00
00:06:58.000 If they didn't rely on public funding, they'd be like, fuck you, man. 1.00
00:07:00.000 I'm not buying your shit. 1.00
00:07:02.000 You're asking me to buy your shit every six minutes? 1.00
00:07:05.000 It's so annoying. 1.00
00:07:05.000 Suck it! 1.00
00:07:07.000 Yeah, well, these commercials, probably after a few times, you'd probably think the same. 0.99
00:07:10.000 What happened from, like, the 15-minute, or 15-second spots and 30-second spots to, like, the 10-minute spots?
00:07:16.000 It seems like a jump one day.
00:07:18.000 You don't ever get to the products.
00:07:22.000 And we have to deal with controversy, too.
00:07:24.000 Controversy?
00:07:25.000 Yeah, there's always...
00:07:26.000 It's not just new products.
00:07:27.000 It's new products dealing with controversy.
00:07:29.000 Oh, one thing I can tell because of your voices, the discount code, Rogan, is only good the first time you use it.
00:07:36.000 Now it's good any time you use it.
00:07:37.000 So any time you use the code name Rogan, you get 10% off every time now.
00:07:40.000 That's good.
00:07:41.000 That's better.
00:07:42.000 And we have a whole new product line. 0.99
00:07:45.000 We're coming out with hemp protein and shit like that. 0.98
00:07:47.000 And we're going to start selling kettlebells. 1.00
00:07:49.000 Because kettlebells are expensive as fuck. 0.99
00:07:50.000 Oh, that's so good. 1.00
00:07:51.000 They're expensive as fuck for no reason, man. 0.98
00:07:53.000 You can get high quality ones made as long as you're selling them online. 0.99
00:07:56.000 We would do it not trying to bring them to stores and shit like that.
00:07:58.000 So we could sell them same quality, way cheaper than everybody else sells them. 0.99
00:08:03.000 You find out a lot of things when you start selling things, like how much money people make for shit. 0.90
00:08:07.000 One of the things about Onnit and AlphaBrain, people are like, why is it so expensive? 0.89
00:08:13.000 Our profit margin compared to most supplements is way lower. 0.97
00:08:17.000 The ingredients are very fucking expensive. 0.99
00:08:20.000 All the shit that we have in it is the best quality available. 1.00
00:08:23.000 We're really doing it like the worst way ever to make money. 0.99
00:08:25.000 Right.
00:08:26.000 Because we're saying you get 100% money back guarantee if you don't like it. 0.63
00:08:29.000 If you use it, it used to be you could buy up fucking 100 bottles and you wouldn't even have to send them back. 0.76
00:08:33.000 We would just give you your money. 0.95
00:08:35.000 But too many people were ripping us off. 0.97
00:08:37.000 They were selling them on eBay and shit, so we had to stop doing that. 0.96
00:08:39.000 Yeah.
00:08:40.000 But if you order it and you don't like it, you don't have to send it back.
00:08:42.000 Just tell us, I didn't like it.
00:08:43.000 It didn't do anything for me.
00:08:44.000 Even something as strange as a vitamin.
00:08:47.000 You know what I mean?
00:08:48.000 How do you know if a vitamin is doing something for you? 0.99
00:08:50.000 Do you really fucking know? 0.88
00:08:51.000 I mean, how much time does it take before you're so in tune with your body that you can tell when you have and have not a multivitamin inside you? 0.99
00:08:57.000 If it's a radioactive vitamin, you can tell.
00:08:58.000 Then you can tell.
00:08:59.000 But that said, if you take vitamins on a regular basis, you will notice a difference in your overall health.
00:09:04.000 I'm absolutely convinced of that.
00:09:06.000 That is my experience in my life. 0.97
00:09:08.000 I've read studies that say otherwise, but I've also seen studies that I know were influenced by bullshit, by pharmaceutical companies. 0.90
00:09:14.000 They've been trying to license nutraceuticals. 0.63
00:09:17.000 They've been trying to make it so that vitamins are prescription only for a long time.
00:09:22.000 That's something pharmaceutical companies have lobbied to try to do a couple of times.
00:09:26.000 Who would have the rights to only one thing?
00:09:28.000 The pharmaceutical companies would.
00:09:29.000 They would have the rights to sell vitamin C. If you wanted vitamin C, you would have to go get a prescription for it.
00:09:33.000 It's way worse than we have it now.
00:09:34.000 It's horrific!
00:09:35.000 You would have to go to doctors to get vitamins. 0.99
00:09:37.000 You know how fucking terrible that would be. 0.93
00:09:40.000 And you would have to give you a prescription for all of them. 0.98
00:09:42.000 I guess unless we had some open...
00:09:44.000 You would have to have things that are approved, and then those things that were approved, you would have an open prescription for any...
00:09:51.000 Extra dietary nutrients.
00:09:53.000 I mean, unless you would have it every time you wanted to get something.
00:09:56.000 Vitamin D? Why would you need a prescription?
00:09:57.000 Because they can make money off of it and they can keep supplement companies.
00:10:02.000 Right now, who gives it?
00:10:04.000 Just regular people?
00:10:04.000 That's the problem, is that they feel like it's not regulated enough.
00:10:08.000 And there's a good point to that.
00:10:10.000 There's a very good point to that, but it's way better than over-regulation, which is what it would be if you had to prescribe vitamins.
00:10:18.000 No one would get it.
00:10:19.000 People have figured out what works and what doesn't work.
00:10:23.000 There's a lot of scientific studies about the efficacy of all sorts of different multivitamins.
00:10:28.000 There's things that point to the fact that certain ones can help you in stress.
00:10:34.000 B12 gives you energy.
00:10:35.000 It's not nonsense.
00:10:37.000 There's a lot of reality in vitamins.
00:10:40.000 What you're doing is you're supplementing the essential parts of food that are healthy for you.
00:10:45.000 It's really that simple.
00:10:48.000 And I have always been a person that has tried to, as much as I can, eat healthy.
00:10:55.000 And when I can't eat healthy, I make sure I'm always taking vitamins.
00:10:58.000 I notice a difference, man.
00:11:00.000 You've got to give your body a chance. 0.99
00:11:02.000 When Ari was doing jiu-jitsu, he was eating fucking hot dogs and shit, no vitamins, no nothing. 1.00
00:11:09.000 All day. 1.00
00:11:10.000 Yeah, and he was getting injured all the time.
00:11:11.000 I was like, what are you eating?
00:11:12.000 What are you throwing in your body?
00:11:14.000 And I was like, yep, nachos, whatever.
00:11:16.000 See what's around.
00:11:18.000 So for now, if you're interested in nootropics, here's the spiel.
00:11:21.000 This is how I say it every week. 1.00
00:11:22.000 Google that shit. 1.00
00:11:23.000 Don't just buy our stuff. 1.00
00:11:24.000 Google it.
00:11:25.000 There's a bunch of different companies out there.
00:11:26.000 I'm sure there's a bunch of good ones.
00:11:28.000 You don't need to buy our stuff.
00:11:29.000 If you think our stuff is too expensive, this is all you have to do.
00:11:32.000 Buy everything in bulk.
00:11:33.000 The ingredient list is all online and it's listed exactly how much is in of each different supplement.
00:11:40.000 So take the ingredients list.
00:11:42.000 Make your own.
00:11:43.000 Seriously, I'm 100% happy if people do that.
00:11:45.000 I don't care.
00:11:46.000 If you buy it and you don't like it, you get 100% of your money back for the first order.
00:11:50.000 If you keep buying it and then you say, I didn't like this one either!
00:11:53.000 I didn't like this one! 1.00
00:11:55.000 Then I have a feeling that you're just fucking crazy. 1.00
00:11:58.000 That's it. 1.00
00:11:59.000 Don't forget about higher primate.
00:12:01.000 You never talk about that. 1.00
00:12:01.000 That shit's awesome. 1.00
00:12:03.000 You ever going to have a sale? 1.00
00:12:04.000 See, I feel bad because it's like I'm sponsoring myself.
00:12:06.000 Yeah, but that's actually, you know, a lot of people I think would love some cool t-shirts.
00:12:11.000 Well, if you're in show monkeys and weed, and you probably are, who isn't, go to hire-primate.com.
00:12:18.000 That's my t-shirt company.
00:12:19.000 And I've actually been meaning to talk about this because we've got a whole new supply in.
00:12:24.000 Yeah, so it's all just weird cartoon monkeys that are getting high.
00:12:29.000 It's cool.
00:12:30.000 I always wear them.
00:12:31.000 I got monkeys playing chess with aliens.
00:12:34.000 Monkeys doing mushrooms.
00:12:36.000 We've got new ones coming out, too.
00:12:38.000 New designs?
00:12:39.000 Yeah, I'm going to have some new designs about monkeys and mushrooms.
00:12:44.000 Because I want to get some stoned ape theory type illustration where the monkeys are all gathered around a glowing mushroom.
00:12:51.000 I just got to get another guy to draw one up.
00:12:55.000 How about this?
00:12:56.000 How about a bunch of those monkeys passing a joint around and one dude has a thought bubble and he's like, oh, this one monkey?
00:13:02.000 Dude, that's a good idea.
00:13:03.000 And then he gets a thought of...
00:13:05.000 Whatever, I don't know, the Stoned Ape Theory was.
00:13:07.000 It's like Operator, though.
00:13:08.000 Like, it starts off with, like, a scribble, and then it turns into a banana.
00:13:11.000 That's a good idea, though, dude. 0.97
00:13:13.000 A monkey with a balloon in a joint line, and he's like, oh, shit, I got an idea. 0.99
00:13:18.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:13:18.000 Yeah, that's a good idea. 0.99
00:13:19.000 That's the theory they came up with.
00:13:21.000 Powerful.
00:13:21.000 Ari Shafir.
00:13:22.000 Or it could be a crazy idea.
00:13:24.000 So crazy it would work.
00:13:26.000 So crazy that if you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the Fleshlight link, and enter in the code name Rogan, you get 10% off!
00:13:34.000 From now and for every order in the future.
00:13:37.000 For a fleshlight.
00:13:38.000 For a fleshlight.
00:13:39.000 Proper.
00:13:40.000 Eternity. 0.89
00:13:41.000 What the hell?
00:13:41.000 Times a million.
00:13:42.000 Hit that shit, bitch. 1.00
00:13:43.000 Let's start this fucking disaster off. 1.00
00:13:46.000 The Joe Rogan Experience. 1.00
00:13:49.000 Train by day.
00:13:50.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night.
00:13:51.000 All day!
00:13:52.000 Was that Nick Diaz?
00:14:00.000 Yeah.
00:14:03.000 He said that after he beat BJ Penn.
00:14:05.000 Oh my god.
00:14:06.000 Isn't that the coolest thing ever?
00:14:07.000 It is.
00:14:09.000 Yeah, he said that after he beat BJ Penn. 0.98
00:14:12.000 We're like, oh shit, we gotta get a recording of that. 0.94
00:14:16.000 Any upcoming fighters, if you want to have your own Joe Rogan experience opening, just say it after you win. 0.95
00:14:22.000 And we'll put you on there.
00:14:23.000 We'll stick it in there.
00:14:23.000 We'll give you some propers.
00:14:27.000 So, Silva...
00:14:29.000 Oh yeah, some jetwaterpipes.com sent us the coolest bong ever.
00:14:34.000 That was that high-tech one?
00:14:35.000 Yeah.
00:14:36.000 That's pretty cool.
00:14:37.000 You know what it is?
00:14:37.000 It's exactly like Dyson for bongs.
00:14:40.000 Even their website, if you go to their website, it's just like a Dyson website.
00:14:43.000 It's so nicely crafted.
00:14:45.000 You don't have to pull out the carb for it to take a hit.
00:14:49.000 You just push down this little thing and it opens up the carb for you.
00:14:52.000 It's an awesome bong.
00:14:54.000 I've used many, many bongs before, but that one is just...
00:14:57.000 Tight.
00:14:57.000 I want to get wet really bad.
00:14:58.000 They took it to the next level.
00:15:00.000 Yeah.
00:15:00.000 They did.
00:15:00.000 How do you clear out that bowl?
00:15:02.000 You pull down a little...
00:15:04.000 The stem has like a little lever on it.
00:15:06.000 And then you pull it down.
00:15:07.000 Pop it out?
00:15:08.000 Oh, the bowl just unscrews.
00:15:10.000 The bowl just unscrews.
00:15:11.000 Okay, and you can wash it out.
00:15:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:15:14.000 And it won't break either. 0.99
00:15:15.000 It's not made as super delicate shit. 0.98
00:15:17.000 I broke the bond that's at the desk. 0.99
00:15:19.000 Ice house.
00:15:20.000 Ice house.
00:15:20.000 Oh, no.
00:15:21.000 Really? 1.00
00:15:21.000 Knocked it over to my core like a retard. 1.00
00:15:23.000 Yeah. 0.95
00:15:24.000 And bong water smells awesome.
00:15:26.000 Bong water smells horrible.
00:15:28.000 I peed on it.
00:15:29.000 There's no way you're cleaning that out every day.
00:15:31.000 You gotta get some of that stuff that you get at Petco for when your cat pisses.
00:15:34.000 That's what I use.
00:15:35.000 That's so funny you said that.
00:15:36.000 I use that.
00:15:36.000 You ever have a cat that pisses in your house?
00:15:38.000 Yeah, we talked about it a couple weeks ago. 1.00
00:15:39.000 I pissed all over my fucking bed. 1.00
00:15:40.000 Oh, that's right. 1.00
00:15:40.000 And my fucking couch I just found out. 1.00
00:15:42.000 What's that? 0.99
00:15:42.000 What's that about? 0.99
00:15:43.000 Like he's trying to tell you something.
00:15:44.000 Like you're a punk?
00:15:45.000 What did I tell you?
00:15:46.000 You know, it had a urinary infection of some kind and that's where it was from because now she's not doing it. 0.60
00:15:52.000 They use that as an excuse.
00:15:53.000 I think they're just like pissing on you.
00:15:55.000 Yeah, I think they get mad.
00:15:57.000 The urinary tract infection doesn't make them pee in one specific spot.
00:16:01.000 It just bothers them because they blame you.
00:16:04.000 When they put like a bird on your pillow, that's them trying to give you a gift.
00:16:08.000 Right.
00:16:08.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:16:09.000 Or in your front doorstep.
00:16:10.000 Yeah.
00:16:11.000 They're presenting that to you and letting you know they like you.
00:16:13.000 My other theory is that my dog has been at Varon's house for the last couple weeks.
00:16:17.000 And so the dog, when it's usually in town, just starts chasing the cat.
00:16:22.000 So I think because now that the dog's gone, the cat's like, oh yeah, I'm going to pee on where you always like to sit.
00:16:27.000 Oh, I see.
00:16:28.000 So wait a minute.
00:16:29.000 Are you leaving the cat alone by itself a lot?
00:16:31.000 No, I mean, the dog's just hanging out with Varon's dog at her house so they can play together all the time.
00:16:36.000 Right, but are you ever at Varon's house and not at your house for extended periods of time?
00:16:40.000 No, not more than a day or so.
00:16:42.000 I think that's what it is.
00:16:43.000 But yeah, I've left them.
00:16:44.000 Even a day.
00:16:45.000 I left them for weeks.
00:16:46.000 Yeah, but he knows the dog's not there.
00:16:48.000 So he should be all lonely or weirdly lonely.
00:16:51.000 Well, it's got two cats.
00:16:53.000 Don't they hate each other, though?
00:16:54.000 No.
00:16:55.000 There's just one's a boy and one's an old lady. 1.00
00:16:57.000 She's as old.
00:16:58.000 She told me the old one hates the other one, though.
00:17:01.000 She's over it.
00:17:01.000 She hates everyone.
00:17:02.000 Everyone. 0.93
00:17:02.000 She hates the dog, hates most people. 0.93
00:17:04.000 What a bitch. 1.00
00:17:05.000 Yeah, fucking old cats get fucking... 1.00
00:17:07.000 Either they stay cool or they just become a psycho. 1.00
00:17:10.000 When chicks get old, when they get like 45, they start hating 20-year-olds. 0.94
00:17:14.000 That's true.
00:17:14.000 Really normal.
00:17:15.000 Yeah.
00:17:16.000 It's in dogs, too. 1.00
00:17:17.000 Yeah, she's stupid. 1.00
00:17:18.000 Shut up, oldie. 1.00
00:17:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:17:20.000 Oh, man.
00:17:20.000 People get real angry.
00:17:22.000 Women get angry when you don't want to fuck them anymore. 1.00
00:17:24.000 It's a weird thing. 1.00
00:17:25.000 Especially if they've put like a big part of who they are.
00:17:29.000 In that.
00:17:30.000 Yeah.
00:17:31.000 Invested in that. 1.00
00:17:32.000 The big part of their identity and people wanting to fuck them. 1.00
00:17:34.000 Is that I'm hot or whatever that is. 1.00
00:17:35.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:17:36.000 When that shit goes away, man. 1.00
00:17:37.000 It's rough. 1.00
00:17:38.000 You better cash in.
00:17:39.000 I would have loved to have seen, do you remember, who was that woman?
00:17:43.000 She was in Body Heat, Kathleen Turner.
00:17:46.000 Do you remember what she looked like when she was young?
00:17:49.000 Yeah, what was she in?
00:17:51.000 Romance in the Stone?
00:17:52.000 Yes.
00:17:53.000 I think Body Heat was, or was that Sharon Stone?
00:17:55.000 Was Sharon Stone Romance in the Stone?
00:17:57.000 She was one of them.
00:17:58.000 She was the fake one with Michael Douglas.
00:18:01.000 They were both the same people.
00:18:02.000 Was it?
00:18:03.000 Wasn't there a fake one?
00:18:03.000 The War of the Roses came later.
00:18:05.000 No, there was like two.
00:18:06.000 I guess I'm thinking that Romancing the Stone is like a fake Indiana Jones.
00:18:10.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:18:10.000 I guess that's what it is in my head.
00:18:11.000 No, it was like a little comedy.
00:18:13.000 I just remember sliding down the legs in between the heads.
00:18:17.000 I feel like there was a fake one with Sharon Stone.
00:18:21.000 Like a similar...
00:18:22.000 Maybe that's body heat.
00:18:24.000 No, no, no, no, no.
00:18:25.000 I mean like a similar sort of like romance, sort of a swashbuckler adventure type movie.
00:18:31.000 Like really similar.
00:18:32.000 The only thing I remember else she did was Sliver.
00:18:34.000 And I was just like, oh, she was so hot and based against Stink. 1.00
00:18:37.000 And Sliver was such a letdown.
00:18:38.000 I remember when I saw Total Recall that you're like, she was barely, I mean she was in it, but not like it wasn't like a main, and you're like, wait, who's that girl?
00:18:45.000 Right.
00:18:45.000 She was so hot in the first Basic Instinct, but in the second one she was so gross.
00:18:51.000 Really?
00:18:52.000 Why?
00:18:52.000 Because she was trying to be hot and sexy again.
00:18:55.000 And it was just like a bomb.
00:18:58.000 It looked like a bomb that was seconds from going off.
00:19:01.000 That's the comfort level.
00:19:04.000 The shell's breaking apart. 1.00
00:19:05.000 That's the comfort level that you would have if you fucked her. 1.00
00:19:08.000 It would be that feeling where you were terrified that you were going to just stick your dick in her and she was just going to crumble into dust and her soul would screech away. 1.00
00:19:17.000 Yeah! 1.00
00:19:19.000 She crossed her legs, she did that same crossing the legs thing, and you're like, hey, what the fuck? 0.99
00:19:25.000 Oh, this is not right! 0.99
00:19:27.000 It was like she was trying to be sexy and slinky, and there's a completely different kind of sexy that older ladies have. 1.00
00:19:33.000 They can still pull off some sexy. 1.00
00:19:35.000 Women even in their 50s can still pull off some sexy. 1.00
00:19:37.000 The graduate lady was pretty sexy, but she wasn't 50. You gotta be like, you gotta like slowly creep up on a dude and like endear yourself with your affection. 1.00
00:19:46.000 You can't like spread your legs like you're 20 anymore.
00:19:49.000 It doesn't work.
00:19:50.000 Not only does it, I gotta think of how many times have you done that?
00:19:53.000 How many times have you done that over the years?
00:19:55.000 Do you have creases on the sides of your thighs from opening your legs as wide as possible so many thousands of times a year? 0.99
00:20:04.000 Is that what the fuck's going on here? 1.00
00:20:07.000 You're 50 years old and you're showing me your pussy. 1.00
00:20:10.000 Hey! 1.00
00:20:11.000 Slow down.
00:20:12.000 That's a jewel.
00:20:13.000 That's a gift.
00:20:13.000 Does that happen?
00:20:14.000 Of course it happens.
00:20:15.000 Of course it happens, dude.
00:20:16.000 Of course it happens.
00:20:18.000 Remember when we were in Boston at that chickopee place? 1.00
00:20:20.000 And that crazy little redneck lady was like, You want to see my tits? 1.00
00:20:24.000 And we're like, I know you want to see my boobs. 1.00
00:20:26.000 We do not. 0.92
00:20:26.000 We do not. 0.92
00:20:27.000 We're on the record as we don't.
00:20:28.000 Well, here they are.
00:20:30.000 And they're just flying and hanging. 0.96
00:20:32.000 They were disgusting. 0.77
00:20:33.000 She had no idea. 0.91
00:20:35.000 She didn't know that what she was showing us was a horror show.
00:20:38.000 She didn't know.
00:20:39.000 She thought it was something sexy.
00:20:41.000 Woo! 0.99
00:20:41.000 Look at them there, there. 0.99
00:20:43.000 There, there, right there.
00:20:44.000 She had breastfed like nine children. 0.98
00:20:47.000 They were monstrous. 0.76
00:20:48.000 They were fat and they were flat at the same time. 0.97
00:20:51.000 They were everything that's wrong in a tit.
00:20:53.000 Do you remember that?
00:20:54.000 I barely remember.
00:20:55.000 I just want us to see them.
00:20:56.000 Remember we had a run out the side door?
00:20:58.000 Yeah.
00:20:59.000 When the second show, we didn't even stick around.
00:21:01.000 There were so many knuckleheads in that crowd. 1.00
00:21:03.000 Stupid fucking room. 1.00
00:21:04.000 Horrible. 1.00
00:21:05.000 Fucking packing up their Chinese food as they're on stage doing jokes. 1.00
00:21:09.000 Brown bags are stuffing them full of leftover Chinese food. 1.00
00:21:14.000 Trying to deliver the stuff you've worked on for two years.
00:21:16.000 Ari Shaffer, a little bit of a prima donna.
00:21:19.000 Me, I had a good time.
00:21:22.000 You wouldn't go back there, the headline, if they called you?
00:21:24.000 No.
00:21:24.000 They'll never call you again.
00:21:26.000 It's not a place for comedy.
00:21:27.000 It's not a place for comedy?
00:21:28.000 No.
00:21:28.000 No, I wouldn't go back either.
00:21:30.000 I stopped doing those rooms.
00:21:31.000 Yeah, well, it wasn't the best room.
00:21:33.000 Didn't a girl go on stage? 1.00
00:21:34.000 She just stepped right on stage. 1.00
00:21:35.000 Somebody just went on stage to take a picture with me.
00:21:37.000 Okay, just take a picture, I guess.
00:21:39.000 I was probably the same girl.
00:21:41.000 She walked on stage in the middle of my set and wanted to take a picture. 1.00
00:21:45.000 I'm like, bitch, get the fuck out of here. 1.00
00:21:48.000 What do you never see anybody outside of your neighborhood before? 1.00
00:21:52.000 Do you have all your teeth?
00:21:54.000 Can I take a picture with you?
00:21:56.000 The western Massachusetts is very tricky.
00:21:58.000 Parts of it are beautiful, like Amherst, where UMass is. 0.98
00:22:01.000 Fucking gorgeous town. 0.98
00:22:03.000 Great town. 0.99
00:22:04.000 It's a cool, like, it's a really interesting place because it's really intelligent.
00:22:08.000 And, you know, because of the college, it's pretty much any college town is going to have a higher level of intellect or at least curiosity.
00:22:16.000 Cambridge, great place.
00:22:17.000 Amazing place.
00:22:18.000 But that's, you know, the city of Boston, essentially.
00:22:20.000 It's just a suburb of it.
00:22:22.000 But when you're in Boulder, perfect example.
00:22:25.000 Boulder, great town.
00:22:26.000 One of the reasons why it's a great town and so people are so smart there is because the university is there.
00:22:30.000 It always helps having a university in a town. 0.99
00:22:33.000 But god damn it doesn't make a bunch of fucking bleeding hearts too. 1.00
00:22:38.000 Bunch of liberal pussies, too. 1.00
00:22:40.000 That's the other problem. 1.00
00:22:41.000 Yeah, man.
00:22:41.000 You can't have it.
00:22:42.000 Oh, yeah.
00:22:43.000 I mean, in town?
00:22:43.000 Yeah.
00:22:44.000 There's not a lot of manly intellectuals in those towns.
00:22:48.000 Yeah.
00:22:48.000 It becomes really...
00:22:50.000 I don't want to say manly. 1.00
00:22:53.000 If you're fucking... 1.00
00:22:54.000 You got too much liberal in there, you pussy. 1.00
00:22:57.000 Because at a certain point, you grow up to the point where you're like, if you bump into somebody, you're like, oh, sorry, I didn't do that on purpose, did you? 1.00
00:23:02.000 Okay, cool.
00:23:03.000 Sorry about that.
00:23:04.000 You just walk away. 1.00
00:23:05.000 You don't have to fucking fight like a fucking dummy. 1.00
00:23:07.000 No, that's not what I mean. 1.00
00:23:09.000 What I mean is there's too many hippies. 0.99
00:23:11.000 There's too many people that don't have their shit together. 1.00
00:23:13.000 There's too many people like, man, I don't even need many men. 0.99
00:23:16.000 I just need this backpack.
00:23:18.000 Yeah.
00:23:18.000 And people start tolerating those people.
00:23:21.000 Like, dude, okay, yeah, society's not perfect.
00:23:24.000 You're right, you're right, it's not perfect.
00:23:25.000 But you can't camp here.
00:23:27.000 You can't camp in front of my house. 1.00
00:23:29.000 You've got to get the fuck out of here. 1.00
00:23:30.000 There's too much of that there. 0.99
00:23:32.000 There's too much of people who only want to look at the super liberal, super open-minded point of view.
00:23:38.000 And a really interesting, I think I already talked about this, but there was that Rick Santorum guy was doing a debate Not a debate, but a thing.
00:23:46.000 We're sitting in front of a really liberal college in New Hampshire, and he was talking, and they were talking to him about marriage.
00:23:52.000 And he's like, I think marriage is between a man and a woman.
00:23:54.000 They say, why can't it be between a man and a man? 0.99
00:23:56.000 And he goes, okay, what about this?
00:23:58.000 What about three men?
00:24:00.000 Is that still marriage?
00:24:01.000 No, no, that's different.
00:24:03.000 Who's to say?
00:24:04.000 So why can't it be three men?
00:24:06.000 Why can't it be three men?
00:24:07.000 It's a really good point.
00:24:07.000 No, but why can't it be?
00:24:08.000 Why can't it be?
00:24:09.000 It should be a lot too.
00:24:10.000 When people say, what is next?
00:24:11.000 A dog?
00:24:12.000 Like, yeah, okay.
00:24:13.000 Unless you clearly see the dog doesn't want it.
00:24:15.000 The dog, I don't think so because the dog can't say, yes, I do.
00:24:18.000 How about a tree?
00:24:18.000 No.
00:24:19.000 She's fine.
00:24:20.000 Why not?
00:24:21.000 As a union between human beings.
00:24:23.000 Two people to consent.
00:24:24.000 Yeah.
00:24:24.000 A loving union between human beings.
00:24:26.000 Why can't you have three?
00:24:27.000 Why can't you have four?
00:24:28.000 Yeah, four or five.
00:24:28.000 But these people were...
00:24:29.000 I remember Roseanne Barr and what's his name?
00:24:30.000 Married Sandra Bernhardt, the other lady.
00:24:33.000 And Tom Arnold married somebody else.
00:24:35.000 Oh, really?
00:24:36.000 Yeah, like together they married her.
00:24:37.000 Oh, I don't remember that at all.
00:24:38.000 Yeah.
00:24:39.000 That's interesting.
00:24:41.000 Yeah, but these people didn't want to hear it.
00:24:44.000 They're like, you know, you're being irrelevant.
00:24:46.000 He's like, why?
00:24:47.000 I'm saying it's a man and a woman. 0.68
00:24:49.000 It's been a man and a woman for thousands of years.
00:24:51.000 You're saying it should be a man and a man.
00:24:53.000 And I'm saying, why not two men?
00:24:54.000 How about two women? 1.00
00:24:55.000 Can three women get married? 1.00
00:24:57.000 Can a man marry three women? 0.99
00:24:59.000 And he's right.
00:24:59.000 Why can't they?
00:25:01.000 Yeah, why not?
00:25:01.000 They should be wine and wine.
00:25:02.000 What's the problem?
00:25:03.000 The social stigma of it should be everything.
00:25:07.000 Who cares?
00:25:08.000 That's it. 1.00
00:25:10.000 If people look at you and go, look at this crazy asshole with his three wives. 1.00
00:25:14.000 I don't even want to hang around with him. 1.00
00:25:15.000 That should be his punishment.
00:25:17.000 I don't get why you shouldn't be allowed to.
00:25:19.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:25:20.000 The only punishment should be, if people think it's weird, those people won't like you.
00:25:25.000 That's the only punishment.
00:25:26.000 But these people, it was really fascinating the way they were treating that dilemma in the audience.
00:25:31.000 You know, they couldn't see that.
00:25:32.000 It was just as close-minded as the people, the guy was anti-gay marriage.
00:25:37.000 It was just as close-minded.
00:25:38.000 They're like, no, you're being irrelevant.
00:25:40.000 This is pointless.
00:25:41.000 This is straw man.
00:25:43.000 Straw man argument, man.
00:25:44.000 I think they should be allowed to do that stuff.
00:25:45.000 They totally should be allowed to do that stuff. 0.56
00:25:46.000 Here's my theory on why people are against...
00:25:48.000 Changing the marriage ideas, changing gay marriage to include it. 1.00
00:25:52.000 It's because they value their type of marriage, and when you allow other people to enter it, that is not your type of marriage, the one man or one girl, it cheapens the value of what you have. 0.99
00:26:03.000 I would say that might be true, but if that was the case, how come nobody got mad at The Bachelor, or Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, or any of those fucking stupid shows? 0.99
00:26:12.000 I mean, if anything... 0.99
00:26:14.000 Did devalue what marriage is.
00:26:17.000 It's drive-through marriage casinos in Vegas.
00:26:20.000 Yeah.
00:26:20.000 I'm sure they didn't like that when they heard about it.
00:26:23.000 Yeah, but it's legal.
00:26:23.000 Yeah, but that's totally legal.
00:26:24.000 How come you're not fighting that?
00:26:25.000 You're right.
00:26:26.000 I mean, you could just drive into a place and Elvis can marry you in Vegas.
00:26:29.000 What are they just holding on?
00:26:30.000 They're just holding on to like, it's just this way.
00:26:33.000 This is what I have in common that you don't...
00:26:34.000 It's a man and a girl. 1.00
00:26:36.000 It's just people are assholes. 1.00
00:26:37.000 They care about stupid shit. 1.00
00:26:40.000 Why would you care? 1.00
00:26:42.000 You know, look... 0.99
00:26:43.000 I don't give a fuck what anybody else does. 0.99
00:26:47.000 The only reason I got married is because it makes my wife feel good. 1.00
00:26:50.000 She likes it.
00:26:51.000 That's the only reason anybody gets married. 1.00
00:26:52.000 That's why women like it. 1.00
00:26:53.000 Women like it. 1.00
00:26:53.000 They like to be able to tell their friends they're married. 1.00
00:26:55.000 Look, I had kids with her and I'm not going anywhere.
00:26:57.000 I love it.
00:26:58.000 I'm super happy.
00:26:59.000 Written on paper or not, I'm not going anywhere, but when you see things written on paper, for some people it has this extra significance, or culturally you're allowed to say, no, we're married.
00:27:11.000 This is the level of commitment.
00:27:13.000 And the fact that you're legally entangled, even though it's a ridiculous notion to get legally entangled with a person, especially when 60% of them get divorced and have to lose all their money trying to sort out their funds.
00:27:25.000 They're not going to last.
00:27:26.000 Yeah, most of them.
00:27:27.000 The show they are not going to last.
00:27:28.000 So why should you get involved?
00:27:29.000 Because you love someone so much.
00:27:31.000 That's how my approach was. 1.00
00:27:32.000 I'm willing to do your ridiculous shit. 1.00
00:27:33.000 Financially marry them forever? 1.00
00:27:35.000 Yeah. 0.97
00:27:36.000 But in looking at it that way, in just discussing it, it's all ridiculous. 0.99
00:27:42.000 All marriage is ridiculous. 0.99
00:27:45.000 What matters is, how do you feel about a person? 0.93
00:27:48.000 Do you love them?
00:27:49.000 Do you love being around them?
00:27:50.000 Do you express that?
00:27:51.000 Do you have something really special together?
00:27:53.000 Boom! 0.99
00:27:53.000 It doesn't have to be written down, and a bunch of other assholes get to agree that you're legit now. 0.99
00:27:59.000 Oh, that's fucking silliness. 1.00
00:28:01.000 And so, why would gay people want it? 1.00
00:28:03.000 The only reason is for insurance purposes, so you can physically do sick ones in the hospital, loved ones.
00:28:09.000 We should be able to do that with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
00:28:11.000 Or a best friend.
00:28:12.000 How about if you don't have a loved one, and you're my only friend in town, and if I get sick, I'll say, please contact Ari Shafir.
00:28:20.000 I don't have parents.
00:28:21.000 Ari Shafir's my best friend.
00:28:22.000 If you contact him, why can't you do that?
00:28:24.000 What if you move in with a chick after like three weeks? 1.00
00:28:26.000 Then you have to go to the hospital. 0.99
00:28:27.000 You're like, fucking let her visit. 0.99
00:28:28.000 What are you trying to say? 1.00
00:28:29.000 Abortion? 0.89
00:28:30.000 Is that what you were leaning?
00:28:31.000 Is gay marriage legal in Canada?
00:28:33.000 Yeah.
00:28:33.000 Pretty across the board.
00:28:35.000 Really?
00:28:35.000 Yeah.
00:28:37.000 A lot of people don't know though.
00:28:38.000 Of course it should be legal. 0.97
00:28:39.000 Of course it's silly. 0.89
00:28:40.000 But here's why. 0.98
00:28:41.000 When it devalues their marriage, I feel like it's the same as when a black person moves onto your block and it devalues the property of your home. 1.00
00:28:46.000 And that's exactly what you're sort of doing.
00:28:48.000 You're like, I don't want them here.
00:28:49.000 What if, you know, like Neil Tyson moved in on your neighborhood?
00:28:53.000 That doesn't devalue your home at all.
00:28:54.000 You would think it would help, but it does.
00:28:55.000 Do you really think that would devalue it?
00:28:57.000 It was Neil Tyson.
00:28:58.000 The really famous astrophysicist.
00:29:00.000 Oh.
00:29:00.000 Black guy.
00:29:01.000 Brilliant.
00:29:02.000 Super genius dude.
00:29:03.000 You've never seen him?
00:29:04.000 Great YouTube clips.
00:29:05.000 How could it?
00:29:06.000 He's a super genius.
00:29:07.000 You know how it could.
00:29:08.000 Super racist.
00:29:08.000 Wouldn't know.
00:29:09.000 They drive by and go, oh.
00:29:11.000 And he has kids.
00:29:12.000 They assume his kids will steal.
00:29:13.000 Sure.
00:29:14.000 Can you imagine that?
00:29:16.000 How long is that going to be around for?
00:29:18.000 He's fighting his tongue.
00:29:18.000 How long is that going to be around for?
00:29:20.000 We had these people move under my block. 1.00
00:29:22.000 It was a nice black family and then their kids inherited it after a while and they were a little, I don't know, wherever they were from, but they were more party people and they had a car parked in there with some bullet holes in it.
00:29:34.000 So my mom just started referring to them as the murderers.
00:29:37.000 The murderers?
00:29:39.000 The murderers' homes.
00:29:39.000 They had a car with some bullet holes in it.
00:29:41.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:29:42.000 God damn. 0.99
00:29:43.000 We didn't see that in the... 1.00
00:29:44.000 Holy shit. 1.00
00:29:45.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:29:47.000 Wow.
00:29:47.000 Who shouted at them?
00:29:48.000 Did you ever ask them?
00:29:48.000 No.
00:29:49.000 No.
00:29:49.000 They didn't talk to the murderers?
00:29:51.000 Wow.
00:29:51.000 Those are the murderers.
00:29:53.000 Yeah.
00:29:53.000 I mean, I didn't think they were murderers, but that's how she casually referred to them.
00:29:56.000 That's how you were trained, though.
00:29:58.000 That was in your little head growing up. 0.96
00:30:00.000 It is fascinating how much, how few white people can relate to really poor black people in crime-ridden neighborhoods. 0.99
00:30:08.000 It's more like District 9 than it is your life.
00:30:12.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:30:13.000 Dude, really bad neighborhoods.
00:30:15.000 Like, you've seen, well, especially like in Africa.
00:30:18.000 You've seen the documentaries.
00:30:20.000 You ever seen the Vice piece on Liberia?
00:30:23.000 Uh-uh.
00:30:23.000 Dude.
00:30:24.000 They just ended their war.
00:30:25.000 Do you want to think it's the end of the world?
00:30:26.000 Watch the Vice piece on Liberia where they're eating regular cannibalism.
00:30:30.000 Normal, regular cannibalism.
00:30:31.000 And this guy, one of the guys...
00:30:32.000 This is during the war?
00:30:33.000 Yeah, they talk about...
00:30:34.000 It's children. 0.98
00:30:35.000 They would kill children. 0.99
00:30:36.000 They would go over there and kill the children, sacrifice them, eat their heart while they were alive, drink their blood, because it made them like... 0.98
00:30:42.000 They believed that it made them invulnerable in battle. 0.73
00:30:44.000 Charles Taylor. 0.95
00:30:45.000 Crazy. 0.99
00:30:45.000 He was a crazy dictator, but nobody knows him just because his name is too normal. 0.99
00:30:49.000 Really? 0.95
00:30:49.000 Who was he? 0.95
00:30:50.000 He was that dictator in Liberia that took power.
00:30:52.000 Charles Taylor.
00:30:53.000 It was vicious.
00:30:54.000 What a brilliant move, just to have a really normal sounding name.
00:30:56.000 Nobody knows him.
00:30:57.000 Way worse than Gaddafi or any of these people we thought were bad. 0.97
00:31:00.000 Really?
00:31:00.000 Horrible.
00:31:02.000 What was his story?
00:31:03.000 He led all that stuff.
00:31:04.000 What was his name again?
00:31:05.000 Charles what?
00:31:06.000 Charles Taylor.
00:31:07.000 Oh, maybe I'm too stoned.
00:31:08.000 I better be.
00:31:09.000 I think that's the guy who makes Converse All-Stars?
00:31:12.000 Chuck Taylor.
00:31:13.000 That's Chuck Taylor.
00:31:14.000 It sure wasn't Dave Taylor.
00:31:15.000 Yeah, Liberia.
00:31:16.000 Charles Taylor.
00:31:17.000 Yeah, not too stoned.
00:31:18.000 You got it.
00:31:18.000 You nailed it.
00:31:19.000 But paranoid that I got it wrong.
00:31:20.000 He was the 22nd president of Liberia from 1997 until his resignation in 2003. My friends in college had to flee.
00:31:28.000 Really?
00:31:29.000 Yeah.
00:31:29.000 Whoa.
00:31:31.000 Scary fucking place, man. 1.00
00:31:33.000 Jesus Christ, is Africa scary? 1.00
00:31:35.000 There's so many spots that are so goddamn scary. 0.99
00:31:37.000 They do what they want. 0.90
00:31:39.000 Why did your people take down Tower 7?
00:31:41.000 Well, we talked about it.
00:31:43.000 After a while, we realized, you know, I may as well just take everything down.
00:31:45.000 I thought it was an insurance thing.
00:31:47.000 An insurance thing?
00:31:48.000 Oh, yeah.
00:31:48.000 It's like, it was old.
00:31:49.000 Fucking knock it down. 0.99
00:31:51.000 You can't do anything with it. 1.00
00:31:52.000 Is that what it is?
00:31:52.000 Top two gone.
00:31:53.000 Just knock it down.
00:31:54.000 You just decided it'd be better if it was a total loss?
00:31:55.000 Yeah, they probably ran it like a slump.
00:31:56.000 Could you imagine if you actually did have buildings already set up?
00:31:59.000 If every building was set up with explosives?
00:32:01.000 So at any point they could just...
00:32:02.000 Yeah, so you don't have to rig it.
00:32:04.000 That was like a thing.
00:32:04.000 Well, when you want to get your building demolished, here's a good thing.
00:32:07.000 You just press this button and the building goes away. 0.99
00:32:09.000 And you just have to hire some monkeys to fucking pick up the pieces. 1.00
00:32:13.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:32:14.000 Imagine if that's how they did every building.
00:32:16.000 They couldn't because everybody would be like, people would be just trying to blow up every building.
00:32:18.000 Was there another plane that was supposed to go that way?
00:32:21.000 Supposedly.
00:32:21.000 When was that going to happen?
00:32:22.000 They knocked it off too fast.
00:32:24.000 Well, I mean, there was a bunch of planes.
00:32:25.000 One of them that got shot down that was supposedly, they don't know where that was headed.
00:32:30.000 They might have been headed for the White House.
00:32:32.000 Yeah, that's what they said was headed south, though.
00:32:33.000 That was 93. That was the one that they said that the people brought it down.
00:32:36.000 Yeah.
00:32:37.000 That's rolled.
00:32:38.000 Yeah, but...
00:32:39.000 Not...
00:32:41.000 Yeah, Rumsfeld actually made a mistake in an interview and said it got shot down.
00:32:46.000 Really?
00:32:46.000 Yeah.
00:32:47.000 He said, you know, in 93, they shot down 93, Flight 93. He, like, said it before.
00:32:52.000 Really?
00:32:53.000 And there's a lot of people that are positive that it was shot down because of how far the debris was.
00:32:57.000 Yeah.
00:32:57.000 The debris went as far as, like, seven miles from where...
00:32:59.000 And so it was just going...
00:33:00.000 Yeah, and then they made that, you know, that whole story, that let's roll thing.
00:33:04.000 I've heard that before, and my thought on that was like, that'd be okay if they shut that down.
00:33:08.000 Yeah.
00:33:08.000 Like, clearly, by the other three, like, it's gonna be...
00:33:12.000 It's going to fly into something.
00:33:13.000 You have to shoot it down.
00:33:14.000 It's a tough choice, but you've got to do that.
00:33:15.000 There were eyewitnesses that said that they saw fighter jets.
00:33:19.000 Who knows?
00:33:20.000 Either way, it's horrific if they crashed.
00:33:22.000 It's horrific if it got shot down.
00:33:24.000 But somehow or another, people want to know about the mystery.
00:33:28.000 The mystery of what happened.
00:33:29.000 Do you think as they were starting to hijack, someone was in mid-conversation going, Do you know they checked my bag? 0.99
00:33:33.000 They checked the whole fucking bag. 0.99
00:33:35.000 Okay. 1.00
00:33:36.000 No, because it was pre-9-11.
00:33:39.000 They didn't check things as much.
00:33:42.000 They're probably still too much security for a lot of people.
00:33:45.000 Some people were probably upset.
00:33:47.000 My take on it is when Bush told the whole story, the whole let's roll story, that the guy said, let's roll, as they got out and they were going to go fight the terrorists and they brought the plane down. 0.97
00:33:57.000 My bullshit alarm was hit. 0.98
00:33:59.000 like that's a little too honorable it was like ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding my bullshit alarm was just going off I was like, this is a story. 0.99
00:34:07.000 I have no idea, but it does sound like a great story. 0.92
00:34:10.000 This is like Jessica Lynch.
00:34:11.000 Remember they had that story where they said that they had rescued her in a hail of gunfire because she was being imprisoned by the Iraqis and they saved her, this brave, pretty girl.
00:34:19.000 When it turns out she was actually in a hospital, there was no gunfire at all.
00:34:22.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98
00:34:23.000 It was horseshit. 0.99
00:34:24.000 They made up a horseshit story. 0.99
00:34:25.000 And she came out public with it. 0.95
00:34:27.000 And people gave her death threats because she went against the story.
00:34:30.000 Yeah.
00:34:30.000 Oh, dude, she got a lot of death threats.
00:34:32.000 What was the story?
00:34:33.000 Her story was quite simple.
00:34:36.000 There was some sort of a firefight or some sort of a military incident where she was injured.
00:34:41.000 She was brought into a hospital.
00:34:42.000 They came and got her from the hospital, and they brought her back home.
00:34:45.000 Okay.
00:34:45.000 That's her story.
00:34:46.000 That's what really happened.
00:34:48.000 What the United States said was that they had to go and rescue her.
00:34:51.000 And they went in guns blazing to go get one of our own.
00:34:55.000 And that didn't happen?
00:34:56.000 That did not happen.
00:34:57.000 What did happen?
00:34:58.000 Just that?
00:34:58.000 Just they went and got her at the hospital.
00:35:00.000 Oh.
00:35:00.000 They went to the hospital, got her, brought her home.
00:35:03.000 She was in a local hospital.
00:35:04.000 She was in a hospital in Iraq.
00:35:06.000 And they concocted a crazy story pretending that they had rescued her.
00:35:11.000 But they got there and they were like, Americans, here she is.
00:35:13.000 And then another example is that football player. 0.99
00:35:17.000 What the fuck's his name? 0.99
00:35:18.000 Pat. 1.00
00:35:18.000 Maybe somebody in Human Resources is really gay and he's just like, oh my god, they went in there and they just destroyed everything. 1.00
00:35:24.000 He just writes these press releases that are just over-examined. 0.97
00:35:28.000 It might be just a guy.
00:35:31.000 I'm sure it's one person and one group actually gets to decide what the story would be.
00:35:36.000 But the point of it is there's...
00:35:39.000 Pat's almost friendly fire, right?
00:35:40.000 But they made him a hero first?
00:35:41.000 Yeah, they made him a hero first.
00:35:43.000 I think it's normal for them.
00:35:45.000 It's standard operational procedure for them to lie. 0.96
00:35:48.000 So anytime they get a situation to bullshit and spin the truth, it seems to be the precedent. 0.98
00:35:53.000 It seems to be what they do. 0.66
00:35:55.000 Whenever there's some sort of a situation and then they tell you a story, you can't prove that the let's roll is not real.
00:36:02.000 Why did it have to go down?
00:36:03.000 That's what I always wondered.
00:36:04.000 If they took over the plane, why did it go down?
00:36:05.000 Because they fought bitterly like Americans. 0.69
00:36:08.000 We're going to die!
00:36:10.000 We're going to die! 0.93
00:36:11.000 Pow and pow!
00:36:12.000 I don't know, man.
00:36:13.000 I don't want to believe that they would lie that much.
00:36:19.000 But I do believe that they would shoot out a jet.
00:36:22.000 That they could, though. 0.85
00:36:22.000 If they thought it was coming to the White House, they would shoot that jet down. 0.85
00:36:25.000 I think you should.
00:36:25.000 I think you probably should, too.
00:36:27.000 It's going to kill the people anyway. 0.89
00:36:28.000 It's like you're making a decision.
00:36:31.000 People can't take control of the jet.
00:36:34.000 It's a tough decision, but they've just had three attacks.
00:36:37.000 They can't talk to this plane.
00:36:39.000 They have no communication with it.
00:36:40.000 It's going out of where it's supposed to fly.
00:36:42.000 Yeah.
00:36:43.000 See if you can pull up the audio.
00:36:44.000 Pull up the audio of Donald Rumsfeld, Flight 93 Shot Down.
00:36:48.000 Just pull up that. 0.87
00:36:50.000 Donald Rumsfeld, Flight 93 Shot Down.
00:36:52.000 I think it's on YouTube.
00:36:54.000 Of course, it could have also been a slip. 0.99
00:36:56.000 I fuck up all the time. 0.99
00:36:58.000 I'll say to you, I'll say, Brian, why'd you do that? 0.99
00:37:01.000 He called Ari Brian.
00:37:02.000 I'll be like, no, I didn't.
00:37:03.000 Because you don't even realize you did.
00:37:05.000 Rumsfeld's in the military, too, right?
00:37:06.000 What's that?
00:37:07.000 He served in the military at some point?
00:37:08.000 Rumsfeld?
00:37:09.000 No.
00:37:09.000 Never?
00:37:10.000 Really?
00:37:10.000 I thought all those old guys did it.
00:37:11.000 They're all chicken hawks.
00:37:12.000 No, no, that's the thing about all of them.
00:37:16.000 If the people who bombed the best ball in Mosley, or the people who did the bombing in Spain, or the people who attacked the United States in New York, shot down the plane over Pennsylvania and attacked the Pentagon...
00:37:31.000 Shot down the plane over Pennsylvania.
00:37:32.000 No, because he's referring to the people who did the bad things.
00:37:35.000 Yeah, that sounds like he was saying brought down the plane, like shot down.
00:37:40.000 Yeah, like they brought it down, they died.
00:37:42.000 But he was talking about the bad people.
00:37:44.000 They wouldn't be the ones who would have shot it down anyway.
00:37:46.000 Yeah, that's a bad video.
00:37:47.000 Okay, so now we know.
00:37:48.000 He didn't really say that.
00:37:50.000 I smoked moth poop today.
00:37:51.000 By accident?
00:37:52.000 There was this huge moth about this big that's been outside of my back patio for the last couple of days and it hasn't moved like a word at all.
00:37:59.000 So I've been looking at it every day.
00:38:00.000 A word?
00:38:01.000 I mean, hasn't moved at all.
00:38:03.000 I don't know what I was trying to say there.
00:38:04.000 Hasn't moved a word at all.
00:38:06.000 Yeah.
00:38:07.000 But it was really cool because it's fur.
00:38:09.000 Like there's like a little patch that had like cheetah.
00:38:10.000 Chia? 0.92
00:38:13.000 Yeah.
00:38:14.000 Like a cheetah?
00:38:15.000 Oh, I see like the pattern was like cheetah and then there was like these weird parts that look like almost like feathers of like an owl It was just really weird like looking at it every day And then today I shut the door really hard and it fell down and it just started vibrating for about ten minutes Like it wasn't dead It was just vibrating.
00:38:34.000 So I'm just sitting there looking at it, and then it shits out this orange, fluorescent orange thing. 0.91
00:38:40.000 I think it was shit, but it was fluorescent orange. 0.99
00:38:42.000 It looked really weird. 0.99
00:38:43.000 It didn't look real.
00:38:44.000 And then it flew away out of nowhere. 0.97
00:38:46.000 So I'm sitting there like, what the fuck is that orange stuff? 1.00
00:38:48.000 Is it shit? 1.00
00:38:49.000 It flew away. 1.00
00:38:50.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:38:51.000 So it fell on the ground, had an epileptic seizure, shit all over itself, and then flew away. 1.00
00:38:56.000 It just shit out like a super, super small little bubble of fluorescent orange shit. 0.99
00:39:01.000 And so I'm sitting there playing with it with a match stick, and I'm just looking at the orange shit, and I put it on the end of my cigarette and smoked it. 0.99
00:39:10.000 I don't know why I did it. 0.97
00:39:12.000 Just to see what would happen.
00:39:14.000 You got a real problem, buddy.
00:39:15.000 It was weird looking.
00:39:17.000 It was orange. 1.00
00:39:17.000 See, people are thinking there's a show on March 3rd, you fuck. 1.00
00:39:20.000 People keep saying, Mark 3rd, the New York... 1.00
00:39:23.000 Fucked up on the calendar.
00:39:26.000 It's May, ladies and gentlemen. 0.94
00:39:27.000 For people asking about...
00:39:30.000 There is a March 3rd show in Brea, California, but we had it listed as March 3rd and 4th, or whatever the fuck it was, in New York City.
00:39:39.000 And it's not.
00:39:40.000 New York City's May, so I apologize for that.
00:39:42.000 What's the venue you're doing?
00:39:44.000 I don't know.
00:39:45.000 Some theater.
00:39:46.000 What is it, Brian?
00:39:47.000 Do you know?
00:39:49.000 No, I don't know.
00:39:50.000 Well, there's a UFC on Fox in New Jersey.
00:39:54.000 Manhattan Center.
00:39:55.000 So we're at the Manhattan Center.
00:39:57.000 And then at the Tabernacle in Atlanta on 420. Oh, shit! 1.00
00:40:02.000 Crazy. 1.00
00:40:03.000 I'm trying to do my special there.
00:40:04.000 I'm just trying to organize it as quickly as possible.
00:40:07.000 It's on April 20th, too?
00:40:08.000 Yeah.
00:40:09.000 I mean, it's like I have to.
00:40:10.000 I feel like I have to.
00:40:12.000 Yeah.
00:40:12.000 I feel like I have to.
00:40:14.000 Yeah, why not?
00:40:15.000 You should do that.
00:40:15.000 And all the people will be there, right?
00:40:17.000 I think that's what Doug Benson does every year.
00:40:18.000 What, tapes a special every year on 420?
00:40:20.000 Yeah, I think he tapes a CD on 420, you know?
00:40:23.000 Yeah.
00:40:24.000 No one is more like marijuana connected.
00:40:28.000 It's inexorable.
00:40:29.000 It's inexorable.
00:40:30.000 You can't pull the marijuana from Doug.
00:40:31.000 You can't recognize where does Doug end and the marijuana begin?
00:40:35.000 Yeah.
00:40:35.000 Where does the marijuana begin and Doug end?
00:40:38.000 You know what I mean?
00:40:39.000 Yeah.
00:40:39.000 This last time, that last Ice House, he seriously, from the beginning to the end, did not stop.
00:40:44.000 Packing bowl, smoking, packing bowl, smoking.
00:40:46.000 Whenever people ask Doug Benson, are you good?
00:40:48.000 I'm like, would you just give him another pipe, please?
00:40:50.000 What are you talking about?
00:40:51.000 Let him start refusing you.
00:40:53.000 What's really crazy is there's a conspiracy that he doesn't really smoke weed.
00:40:57.000 Because I guess he got on some show somewhere and gave a half-hearted bong hit. 0.98
00:41:01.000 And they're like, he's not!
00:41:03.000 He's a fake! 1.00
00:41:04.000 He's a fake stoner! 1.00
00:41:06.000 That is completely not right.
00:41:08.000 Remember Donald Sutherland in Invasion of Body Snatchers when he found the woman at the end?
00:41:13.000 He pointed her out.
00:41:14.000 Remember that?
00:41:15.000 I don't think I saw that.
00:41:16.000 Well, it's like everybody had become one of the aliens.
00:41:19.000 They had been taken over by the body snatchers.
00:41:22.000 But a few people stayed awake and were surviving by figuring out how to stay awake.
00:41:27.000 And this woman came up to Donald Sutherland because they were in the resistance together.
00:41:32.000 And she was like, I finally got free.
00:41:35.000 Everything's fine.
00:41:35.000 And he looked at me and went, because he had been taken over.
00:41:38.000 I never saw that movie.
00:41:39.000 Invasion of the Body Snatchers, dude.
00:41:41.000 Is that a zombie movie?
00:41:42.000 No, it's an alien movie.
00:41:44.000 These pods, dude, it's dope. 0.99
00:41:47.000 Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Donald Sutherland is a fucking great movie. 0.99
00:41:52.000 They did it with, not Meg Tilly? 0.98
00:41:55.000 Yeah, Meg Tilly or Jennifer Tilly.
00:41:57.000 I think it was Meg Tilly. 0.71
00:41:58.000 Meg Tilly was the real kind of innocent one and Jennifer Tilly was kind of like the dirtier one. 0.90
00:42:02.000 The ditzy one, yeah. 1.00
00:42:02.000 Ditzy and dirty. 1.00
00:42:03.000 She plays poker. 1.00
00:42:04.000 I think it was Meg, yeah.
00:42:05.000 She's apparently like a serious pro, right?
00:42:07.000 Yeah.
00:42:07.000 We met her in Open Anthony.
00:42:08.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:42:09.000 She was cool.
00:42:10.000 But Meg Tilly was her sister and her sister was the star of the, there was a more modern version I remember getting a little action movie-y.
00:42:24.000 It wasn't as good as the first one. 0.99
00:42:26.000 The Donald Sutherland one is the shit. 0.99
00:42:29.000 That's back when Donald Sutherland was just a... 1.00
00:42:32.000 Fucking killer actor, too. 1.00
00:42:34.000 And he still is. 1.00
00:42:35.000 Animal House.
00:42:36.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:42:37.000 Donald Sutherland was fucking awesome, man. 0.98
00:42:39.000 That Evasion of the Biostanters. 0.99
00:42:40.000 I forgot about that.
00:42:41.000 I'm going to see that this week.
00:42:42.000 That's a good one, man.
00:42:43.000 I wonder if it's on Netflix.
00:42:44.000 I saw...
00:42:45.000 What did I go see the other night?
00:42:46.000 I saw that...
00:42:47.000 Oh, I saw the Wolf movie.
00:42:49.000 Which one?
00:42:50.000 The Grey?
00:42:51.000 Oh, The Grey.
00:42:52.000 How is it?
00:42:54.000 It was fun.
00:42:56.000 It was fun.
00:42:57.000 But it made it out like wolves are just jacking people left and right up there.
00:43:02.000 He was hired to shoot wolves, and the wolves were like, We're running at people, full clip, and he would take them out like it was a sniper.
00:43:10.000 That's one of the openings, which never happens, man.
00:43:14.000 Wolves don't just run on people so often that you need a guy with a rifle who's a sniper picking the wolves off.
00:43:20.000 That's not real.
00:43:23.000 It was weird because he saves a guy.
00:43:26.000 Wolves were like monsters in this movie.
00:43:29.000 They weren't like wolves.
00:43:31.000 He took wolves and gave them some unnatural pack of wolves.
00:43:36.000 They behaved completely unnatural.
00:43:39.000 So it was like...
00:43:41.000 It was part of it that was hard to swallow.
00:43:43.000 I would have liked it if they were diseased. 0.99
00:43:45.000 I would have liked it if it turned out that they had got some fucking crazy radiation. 0.99
00:43:49.000 Human experiment. 0.99
00:43:50.000 Yeah.
00:43:51.000 That makes sense.
00:43:52.000 But instead, they try to play it off like these wolves are killing people.
00:43:55.000 Wolves have only killed like 100 people ever in the history of humanity.
00:43:59.000 Really?
00:43:59.000 Yeah.
00:43:59.000 There's like a website.
00:44:01.000 There's a Wikipedia, but there's also another website that documents wolf human deaths.
00:44:05.000 And a big majority of them, I believe, are in Russia.
00:44:09.000 I think in Russia it's more common.
00:44:10.000 They got meaner people up there and meaner wolves.
00:44:13.000 They got more badass people.
00:44:15.000 I can imagine seeing a wolf attack and a guy being killed and he would have to yell, like, this is far rarer than you could imagine.
00:44:20.000 Yeah.
00:44:21.000 Well, it's super rare.
00:44:22.000 A woman died, like, I think in 2005 or something like that.
00:44:26.000 A wolf attack?
00:44:26.000 In Alaska, but she was running.
00:44:29.000 And I think if you fuck up and you just run by a wolf in the wrong time, they can't help but chase you. 1.00
00:44:36.000 Right, like a dog. 1.00
00:44:37.000 Just like a cat with a ball of yarn.
00:44:39.000 They say that's a big part of mountain lion attacks, is people are jogging or people are riding bikes, and they just can't help it.
00:44:46.000 The mountain lion thinks they're running away.
00:44:48.000 Which is the next operating system from, by the way, they announced today.
00:44:51.000 Mountain lion?
00:44:52.000 Mountain lion, which is so weird.
00:44:53.000 Mountain lion.
00:44:53.000 It seems like they're getting to the bottom of the barrel of cats.
00:44:56.000 Yeah, what's up with Apple and the whole cat thing?
00:44:59.000 Why are the cat operating systems?
00:45:01.000 It's just like Android with all their little names.
00:45:04.000 They're just...
00:45:05.000 They should name it after endangered species and see which product or animal gets extinct first. 1.00
00:45:10.000 Yeah, or name it after something smart as fuck. 0.98
00:45:13.000 Well, cats are big on the internet. 0.99
00:45:14.000 Like chimpanzee.
00:45:15.000 Why can't that be?
00:45:16.000 You know, Mac OS 20, chimpanzee.
00:45:18.000 They're going to have to leave cats. 1.00
00:45:19.000 Maybe that'll be 20 from then on.
00:45:22.000 You know what they'll do?
00:45:22.000 They're just genetic engineering.
00:45:24.000 Yeah, because cats are pretty to look at.
00:45:25.000 I don't want to see monkeys.
00:45:26.000 I love chimpanzees.
00:45:27.000 I turn on my computer and see a big ape.
00:45:29.000 Really?
00:45:29.000 I don't want to see that.
00:45:30.000 How dare you? 0.99
00:45:30.000 It's like looking at a guy naked. 0.99
00:45:32.000 I'd rather see a cat. 0.91
00:45:33.000 Really?
00:45:34.000 Yeah.
00:45:35.000 Dude, I love looking at chimps.
00:45:36.000 You don't like looking at chimps?
00:45:37.000 No.
00:45:39.000 It's weird, though.
00:45:40.000 Do you think of it that way?
00:45:41.000 You're so far removed from the animal side.
00:45:43.000 No, no.
00:45:44.000 I mean, if I go to the zoo, I love looking at monkeys and apes.
00:45:47.000 You're a computer, you don't like it?
00:45:49.000 Yeah, if I see it every day, I don't want to look at monkeys every day.
00:45:51.000 But a cat's okay.
00:45:52.000 Yeah, I can see cats all day long.
00:45:54.000 I could look at tigers almost every day, because to me, they're like Avatar.
00:45:58.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
00:45:59.000 A tiger really is like an Avatar creature.
00:46:01.000 If tigers didn't exist and it was in the movie Avatar...
00:46:03.000 It's so gigantic.
00:46:04.000 The colors are spectacular.
00:46:07.000 The whites and the black stripes and the yellow and orange.
00:46:11.000 Tigers are amazing looking. 0.99
00:46:13.000 Why would nature ever want you to be so beautiful and so fucking vicious? 0.96
00:46:17.000 That's other animals' ways of watching out for the tiger, protecting themselves. 0.99
00:46:21.000 Maybe.
00:46:21.000 He got handicapped a little bit.
00:46:23.000 Yeah, maybe.
00:46:24.000 This guy's so badass, we've got to make him really bright.
00:46:28.000 But gorillas should be bright then, if that was the same thing. 0.85
00:46:31.000 Gorillas don't kill people, very rarely. 0.98
00:46:33.000 They kill people if people fuck up and jog over a nest or something like that. 0.99
00:46:37.000 But for the most part, gorillas are vegetarians. 1.00
00:46:40.000 Yeah, they eat bamboo and shit. 1.00
00:46:42.000 They don't even eat animals. 0.99
00:46:44.000 What do you think about this Virginia stuff with abortion?
00:46:46.000 Pfft. 1.00
00:46:46.000 Fucking crazy, man. 1.00
00:46:47.000 They're making it illegal, pretty much. 1.00
00:46:48.000 Yeah.
00:46:49.000 They're trying to.
00:46:50.000 Well, have you heard the thing about ultrasounds?
00:46:53.000 Yeah.
00:46:55.000 They're saying that you have to get an ultrasound before you have any sort of procedure.
00:46:58.000 Yeah, they want you to look at it.
00:47:00.000 They want you to recognize that that's a life form.
00:47:03.000 Somebody said that, one of the Democrats in there said something like, this is the first time that we have ever dictated...
00:47:11.000 Like a medical procedure.
00:47:13.000 Yeah.
00:47:13.000 That we're commanding a medical procedure.
00:47:15.000 I'm definitely...
00:47:16.000 It's a weird line to cross.
00:47:18.000 It's a total weird line to cross because you're making a decision for the person.
00:47:24.000 You're deciding, hey, you have to do the...
00:47:27.000 They know they could get an ultrasound if they wanted to.
00:47:29.000 Yeah.
00:47:29.000 They know they can see it.
00:47:30.000 You're making them?
00:47:31.000 Yeah.
00:47:31.000 You're making them look at it.
00:47:33.000 That doesn't make sense to me.
00:47:34.000 That doesn't...
00:47:34.000 I don't see why you would make him...
00:47:35.000 I need you to feel this one more time before you do it.
00:47:37.000 Yeah.
00:47:37.000 We know what's going on here.
00:47:39.000 The real issue is what's going on here. 0.98
00:47:41.000 What's going on here is you're killing a baby. 0.95
00:47:43.000 Yeah.
00:47:43.000 Well, one guy said it because the only reason it's legal, one of the Republicans, the only reason it's legal is because it's for convenience.
00:47:50.000 Yeah.
00:47:51.000 And I was like, yeah, that's true.
00:47:52.000 That's what we've decided as a society.
00:47:54.000 Yeah.
00:47:54.000 We'll let that go.
00:47:55.000 Yeah, it's a weird line, right, though?
00:47:57.000 Because at a certain age, you can't do it anymore.
00:47:59.000 When it's like six months old, it's too crazy.
00:48:01.000 But that's what we do all the time.
00:48:02.000 That's why we raise the speed limit, five miles an hour, when you know this is going to mean more deaths this year.
00:48:07.000 Dude, I had a friend back in New York who, his girl got a late-term abortion.
00:48:12.000 Really?
00:48:12.000 Late.
00:48:13.000 Like, really late.
00:48:14.000 Like, it was illegal.
00:48:16.000 Does he still have the number?
00:48:17.000 I don't...
00:48:20.000 It was really crazy because she was showing.
00:48:23.000 Really?
00:48:24.000 Whoa! 0.71
00:48:25.000 Yeah, she was showing and she had an abortion. 1.00
00:48:29.000 It's fucking dark, man. 1.00
00:48:30.000 It was dark. 1.00
00:48:31.000 And they went on to have children together, which is even crazier.
00:48:35.000 They went on to have children together.
00:48:36.000 But at the time, I was really freaked out by it.
00:48:39.000 Really freaked out.
00:48:40.000 Because I don't remember how many months it was in, but it was enough where, you know, they told me. 0.99
00:48:46.000 I was like, oh, shit. 0.99
00:48:47.000 Like, this is dark, man. 1.00
00:48:49.000 You know, it's...
00:48:50.000 I think I should be allowed to.
00:48:52.000 You should be allowed what?
00:48:53.000 To do that, too.
00:48:54.000 What do you mean?
00:48:55.000 Late-term abortions.
00:48:56.000 You should be allowed to do them?
00:48:57.000 Yeah.
00:48:58.000 No, no.
00:48:58.000 As a doctor?
00:48:59.000 I mean, like, get them.
00:48:59.000 Oh, you should be able to get them?
00:49:00.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:49:00.000 You're crazy. 1.00
00:49:01.000 Wow. 1.00
00:49:01.000 It's the same thing. 1.00
00:49:02.000 There's no reason for that.
00:49:03.000 It's life.
00:49:03.000 Clearly, at some point, it's like, this life's going to continue.
00:49:05.000 No, I think whatever it is right now is fine.
00:49:08.000 I think that's enough time for you to find out that you're pregnant and you need to either make the decision yes or no. 0.56
00:49:12.000 But I think anything after that, that's just laziness.
00:49:14.000 After what?
00:49:15.000 Like late-term abortions. 0.96
00:49:17.000 What month is that?
00:49:18.000 I think three.
00:49:20.000 Is that what it is?
00:49:20.000 Is it the longest you can go?
00:49:22.000 No, I think it's late-term.
00:49:23.000 It's six and on.
00:49:25.000 No, I'm saying what it is now.
00:49:27.000 Think of that in six months.
00:49:29.000 Think of six months.
00:49:30.000 Jesus Christ, that's a baby.
00:49:32.000 I would still want to do it at four.
00:49:35.000 That's crazy.
00:49:36.000 See, to me, that's just disturbing.
00:49:37.000 Why is that crazy?
00:49:38.000 It's all human life.
00:49:39.000 It's very clearly human life.
00:49:40.000 I see the difference between it being a father.
00:49:41.000 Let me be real with you here.
00:49:44.000 Part of what you're saying, you're kind of being objective about it, and you're being honest about it, but part of what you're saying is a little bit for shock value.
00:49:53.000 No, four months?
00:49:54.000 You can't even see a bulge at that point.
00:49:55.000 Oh, yes, you can.
00:49:56.000 At four months?
00:49:57.000 Yes, you can.
00:49:58.000 Have you ever been to the science museum?
00:49:59.000 Go look at four months.
00:50:00.000 So, but three months you can't, but four months you can?
00:50:02.000 That's the exact line?
00:50:03.000 No, I think three months you can as well.
00:50:04.000 Look this up.
00:50:05.000 I think three months you can as well.
00:50:06.000 So then you can see it's still okay to do it then?
00:50:08.000 Okay, let's look at fetus. 0.99
00:50:09.000 I think it's remarkably soon that you could tell it's a person. 0.98
00:50:12.000 Have you seen a baby's butthole before? 1.00
00:50:14.000 Fetus butthole. 0.99
00:50:16.000 Oh, Brian. 1.00
00:50:17.000 Oh, Brian.
00:50:19.000 So when would you think it should be illegal?
00:50:21.000 As soon as you could see any sort of bulge?
00:50:22.000 Yeah, look at this.
00:50:23.000 Three months, dude.
00:50:24.000 But that's what you're saying?
00:50:25.000 That's when you think it should be gone?
00:50:26.000 This is three weeks.
00:50:27.000 I mean, this is 13 weeks.
00:50:29.000 That's a baby, man. 1.00
00:50:31.000 It's a fucking baby. 1.00
00:50:31.000 No, I meant... 1.00
00:50:32.000 It's sucking its thumb at three months.
00:50:34.000 See, that's two.
00:50:35.000 No, I meant, like, can you see it through the stomach?
00:50:36.000 Can you see a bulge in the woman's stomach? 1.00
00:50:38.000 That is...
00:50:39.000 No, I wouldn't say that.
00:50:39.000 You're just showing me a picture of it.
00:50:40.000 I don't know how much blown that up it is.
00:50:41.000 Maybe, I think, for different...
00:50:42.000 Some women, yeah. 1.00
00:50:43.000 Yeah.
00:50:43.000 So, okay, you're saying that's too far.
00:50:45.000 That's an actual...
00:50:46.000 That's too far.
00:50:46.000 And it's like, how far back...
00:50:48.000 That's an ultrasound, by the way.
00:50:49.000 That's not a real image.
00:50:50.000 This is a real image.
00:50:51.000 This is an image of what it's represented.
00:50:53.000 This is what it looks like.
00:50:54.000 Yeah, it's a human life.
00:50:55.000 Yeah.
00:50:55.000 But it's a human life almost immediately.
00:50:59.000 You're saying with our current microscopic...
00:51:03.000 Like abilities, as soon as you can make it out, based on that, that's where it should be illegal?
00:51:08.000 That's where it's life?
00:51:09.000 Well, it's interesting.
00:51:10.000 That's a really good question.
00:51:11.000 That's so random.
00:51:12.000 It is a really good question.
00:51:13.000 But at what point in time does it become a life?
00:51:15.000 Does it become a life when it's two cells?
00:51:17.000 No.
00:51:17.000 Is it 20 cells?
00:51:18.000 No.
00:51:18.000 I think as soon as it can start moving on its own, it can start leading to life.
00:51:24.000 Then it's like life.
00:51:26.000 But it's life inside you, man.
00:51:28.000 When you have children, when your wife is pregnant, or if you ever have a girl that's pregnant, you touch her stomach when the baby's only a few months old, they start kicking, man.
00:51:36.000 So it's when you can feel it through the stomach skin?
00:51:38.000 I mean, that's a living thing inside of her.
00:51:40.000 But before you can feel it, like the week before you can feel it, that's not a living thing?
00:51:44.000 No, it's still living.
00:51:45.000 Because it's not quite strong enough to get through the skin layer?
00:51:47.000 No, it's moving.
00:51:47.000 I'm saying it's a living thing.
00:51:50.000 Yeah.
00:51:51.000 It's living way before that.
00:51:52.000 But you don't know that it's moving around until you start feeling it moving around.
00:51:56.000 So it's when you can feel it.
00:51:57.000 That's what you think?
00:51:58.000 With a human hand, you should feel through the skin?
00:52:01.000 I'm just saying early on, it's moving. 0.99
00:52:02.000 Long before this late-term abortion shit, it's moving. 0.98
00:52:06.000 I don't know when you should be able to draw a line, but it's a philosophical and a moral question, right? 0.99
00:52:12.000 It's like, at what time does it become a life?
00:52:14.000 And no one has really wrapped their head around that, but for a lot of liberal people, they don't even want to address the argument.
00:52:19.000 It becomes more of you trying to take away a woman's right to choose.
00:52:25.000 Well, look at their names, the two.
00:52:26.000 They're not even against each other.
00:52:27.000 One is pro-life, the other is not anti-life.
00:52:29.000 And one is pro-choice, and the other one is not against people having choices. 0.99
00:52:33.000 Yeah, but it's the choice to kill you. 1.00
00:52:35.000 That's my choice. 0.99
00:52:36.000 Yeah, but they're like ones pro-life, ones pro-life.
00:52:37.000 They're not even talking about the same things.
00:52:39.000 Sort of they are, though.
00:52:41.000 It should be ones pro-life, ones pro-death. 0.63
00:52:43.000 What's really crazy is that most pro-life people are also pro-war.
00:52:46.000 Really?
00:52:48.000 It's one of the funniest things ever, man.
00:52:50.000 It's the weirdest thing ever.
00:52:52.000 The numbers are staggering.
00:52:54.000 How many people are concerned about the babies and how many people are out there.
00:52:57.000 And they're the same people that support the war.
00:52:59.000 They're the same people that would be happy to support the troops.
00:53:03.000 More babies need more troops. 1.00
00:53:05.000 You ever drive by one of those, a bunch of groups of fucking weirdos, get on the corner with flags and big signs. 1.00
00:53:11.000 Honk if you support our troops. 0.99
00:53:13.000 How is this helping anybody?
00:53:15.000 At all.
00:53:15.000 Is this boosting morale for people who aren't really there?
00:53:18.000 Is it for the random soldier or two that may be getting shipped off and gets to see this before they leave?
00:53:23.000 What is this for?
00:53:25.000 What kind of rah-rah-rah dedication is this?
00:53:28.000 What do you think this is?
00:53:29.000 People, they'll get mad at you if you don't honk.
00:53:31.000 I've seen, there was on the corner about three or four miles away from here, there was this one intersection that was like a hot intersection for some reason for gay marriage folks, people that were anti-gay marriage, and people that were into the war.
00:53:45.000 Same corner. 0.97
00:53:47.000 Remember that Proposition 8 shit when that was going down? 0.99
00:53:50.000 They were all just lined up. 0.99
00:53:52.000 Marriage is between a man and a woman. 0.55
00:53:54.000 God does not. 1.00
00:53:55.000 Fucking quoting psalms and shit and holding it up. 1.00
00:53:58.000 Honk if you believe marriage is for a man and a woman. 1.00
00:54:00.000 And the other time was this war thing. 0.99
00:54:02.000 And people were fucking screaming at them. 0.99
00:54:06.000 People screaming at each other. 1.00
00:54:09.000 Get the fuck out of America! 1.00
00:54:11.000 There was several times where I drove by where people in cars were screaming at the people on the street and they were screaming back and forth at each other. 1.00
00:54:19.000 They should just arrest them because it's against the law for you to honk your horn.
00:54:22.000 So telling people to honk your horn.
00:54:23.000 How can it be against the law to honk your horn?
00:54:25.000 It is.
00:54:25.000 Why do you have a horn?
00:54:26.000 It's only for emergencies in a car.
00:54:29.000 No way.
00:54:29.000 You can get a ticket for honking your horn for no reason.
00:54:32.000 Really?
00:54:32.000 For no reason?
00:54:33.000 How do you know it's no reason? 1.00
00:54:35.000 Maybe you saw some shit. 1.00
00:54:36.000 I saw some shit. 1.00
00:54:36.000 I saw five deer. 1.00
00:54:39.000 I thought I saw some shit. 1.00
00:54:40.000 What's the reason? 1.00
00:54:40.000 Did you see that guy that was coming? 1.00
00:54:42.000 No, the other lane.
00:54:42.000 The guy that was coming towards me?
00:54:44.000 There's something wrong with his headlight.
00:54:45.000 Yeah.
00:54:46.000 But still, it's telling you to do something illegal and people are holding signs up for you.
00:54:50.000 Is that really illegal?
00:54:50.000 I feel like that's one of those myths.
00:54:52.000 I feel like you should be able to like drive through an intersection and honk at your friends Can you do that?
00:54:58.000 I think one of those things where it's like it's illegal But no one's ever going to take it for it unless you've started just honking your horn for no reason if you saw someone in the corner And there's a cop there and you are better.
00:55:07.000 What's up?
00:55:07.000 You know do you think yeah?
00:55:09.000 No, you get arrested for that?
00:55:10.000 I would say get arrested but get ticket get fine probably or a warning most likely We got too many rules There's way too many. 0.98
00:55:17.000 If that really is a law, that's pathetic. 0.92
00:55:20.000 I don't know if it is. 1.00
00:55:21.000 Yeah, I mean, you shouldn't be a cunt. 1.00
00:55:23.000 You shouldn't be blaring your fucking horn everywhere, but there shouldn't be a law against it. 1.00
00:55:26.000 There's a really interesting video online. 0.99
00:55:29.000 It was taken in Nevada, where some dude went through a sobriety checkpoint and wouldn't answer any of the questions.
00:55:35.000 Oh, I remember that.
00:55:35.000 Did you see it?
00:55:36.000 Yeah.
00:55:36.000 He goes, I know my rights.
00:55:37.000 I roll down your window, please.
00:55:38.000 He goes, no, is that a direct command or not?
00:55:40.000 And the guy's like, please roll down your window.
00:55:42.000 He's like, no, I will not.
00:55:43.000 We just kept standing there like a visible bang.
00:55:47.000 There's actually a few of those videos online.
00:55:49.000 When a cop says, I want to check your car, you don't have to say yes.
00:55:55.000 You say no.
00:55:58.000 They always say, can I? Yeah, they say it in an asking manner.
00:56:02.000 Ma'am, can you please open the car door?
00:56:04.000 Ma'am, can you pop the trunk, please?
00:56:05.000 You know they say, alright, we're going to check your car, okay?
00:56:07.000 That okay in the end is really important.
00:56:10.000 Because you go, oh no.
00:56:11.000 No, you're not going to check my car.
00:56:13.000 Alright, we're going to bring the dogs.
00:56:14.000 Go get your dogs. 0.58
00:56:16.000 Is that what you need to do?
00:56:18.000 Some weird dude checking my trunk.
00:56:21.000 Yeah, they have to ask in a way that's asking.
00:56:23.000 They can't say, open up the trunk.
00:56:25.000 Yeah, they can't say that.
00:56:27.000 The problem is they'll just get the dog and then they have the somebody to tell the dog to make the dog bark and go, yep, alright, we're checking your car now.
00:56:33.000 How many times do you think cops actually plant evidence?
00:56:36.000 Do you think that's normal?
00:56:37.000 I don't think they plant evidence.
00:56:38.000 Oh, they do. 0.98
00:56:40.000 I mean, for the majority, I'm sure they have planted evidence, but I don't think there's fucking cops planting evidence. 0.90
00:56:45.000 A humongous majority has never planted any evidence. 0.99
00:56:49.000 I mean, if you watch cops, everyone says the cop is planting evidence, but you know that fucking guy's just... 0.98
00:56:54.000 There's a camera on me. 0.98
00:56:56.000 Why would I do that now?
00:56:57.000 Do you remember that movie, Cocaine Cowboys?
00:56:59.000 Do you remember that movie? 0.93
00:57:00.000 That was the movie, the documentary about the 80s in Miami and how fucking crazy the cocaine world was. 1.00
00:57:07.000 Do you remember that shit? 0.99
00:57:08.000 One of the things they talked about was that there was one year where an entire class of the police academy, the graduating class, all of them either wound up dead or dead. 1.00
00:57:17.000 Or wound up in jail for corruption.
00:57:20.000 Really? 1.00
00:57:20.000 The whole police department was full of shit. 1.00
00:57:22.000 I bet it becomes systemic after a while. 1.00
00:57:24.000 Yeah.
00:57:24.000 Where they all just tell the other ones, this is how we do stuff.
00:57:26.000 I'm like, alright, this is the way it's done.
00:57:27.000 Especially the amount of money that's involved in cocaine in Miami in the 80s. 0.96
00:57:31.000 It must have been fucking completely crazy. 0.65
00:57:34.000 There's a lot of good cops. 0.98
00:57:35.000 Most cops are good cops.
00:57:36.000 The problem is, look, most people are great.
00:57:40.000 Most people that I meet day to day in my life are fine folk. 0.99
00:57:43.000 There's only occasionally one or two people out of the vast majority that suck. 1.00
00:57:49.000 And those stand out and you go, oh, fucking people suck. 1.00
00:57:52.000 But for the most part, look, in America, in a nice place like Los Angeles, where people are doing pretty good, for the most part, we're not starving to death. 1.00
00:58:01.000 People are pretty goddamn nice. 0.81
00:58:02.000 It's pretty civil.
00:58:03.000 Most people are cool.
00:58:04.000 The majority, the vast majority are cool. 0.99
00:58:07.000 But if a few of them are cunts, you'll start going, people are cunts. 0.99
00:58:11.000 Same thing with cops. 1.00
00:58:14.000 Some do, but some don't at all. 0.96
00:58:17.000 What I was going to say about the video where the cop was talking to the guy and the guy wouldn't answer any questions, one of the things that was interesting about it was how fucking together the cops were keeping him while this guy was being kind of shitty. 0.58
00:58:29.000 I was like, I guess they knew they were being filmed or something. 0.74
00:58:32.000 Yeah.
00:58:33.000 There was a little bit of that too because he had a camera and he held it up to them asking them what their name was.
00:58:36.000 Wait, the cop held them together?
00:58:38.000 Yeah, they had two cops.
00:58:39.000 His supervisor came over as well.
00:58:41.000 Yeah.
00:58:42.000 But they're just trying to make sure people aren't drunk.
00:58:44.000 I love when they get caught with the camera that's in their own car.
00:58:47.000 They're like, you know that's there. 1.00
00:58:48.000 Yeah, they're dumb. 1.00
00:58:49.000 And it's like, do you get so complacent that you just feel like what you're doing is right? 1.00
00:58:52.000 They feel like they're going to be able to erase the evidence.
00:58:54.000 How old is this stuff?
00:58:55.000 I don't know.
00:58:56.000 It's probably a decade old.
00:58:57.000 A decade old.
00:58:58.000 Do you think it works? 0.99
00:58:58.000 Yeah, it tastes shitty. 0.99
00:59:00.000 It tastes shitty, but do you think it's getting you high? 0.98
00:59:01.000 Probably. 0.97
00:59:02.000 I'm still pretty high.
00:59:03.000 There's a place down the street that used to be one of those urgent care centers, and now it's a medical marijuana place.
00:59:10.000 Really?
00:59:11.000 Not so urgent care.
00:59:12.000 They're like, yeah, there wasn't a lot of money in that.
00:59:16.000 Now they prescribe weed licenses.
00:59:19.000 There's so many of those billboards where you're driving around. 0.99
00:59:21.000 People who don't live in LA have no idea what the fuck is going on here. 1.00
00:59:24.000 This place is crazy. 0.99
00:59:27.000 There is maybe Denver.
00:59:29.000 Denver is really close.
00:59:30.000 Denver is just like this.
00:59:31.000 Really?
00:59:31.000 There's a bunch of areas in Denver.
00:59:33.000 Across the street from the pharmacy is a place that opened.
00:59:34.000 Like they're opening across from each other.
00:59:36.000 Across from each other. 0.98
00:59:37.000 It's ridiculous. 0.98
00:59:38.000 It's one of the craziest things you'll ever experience in your life. 0.79
00:59:41.000 And it's one of the reasons why so many of them are getting shut down.
00:59:43.000 What people don't realize is how many of them there are.
00:59:45.000 When you hear about all these pot shops are getting shut down, it's terrible that pot shops are getting shut down.
00:59:50.000 Absolutely.
00:59:50.000 It's terrible they're being prosecuted, especially the people that didn't even do anything wrong.
00:59:54.000 There's a bunch of people that are being unfairly targeted, but there's also a bunch of dudes who are making a shitload of money selling weed.
01:00:01.000 They would have been in porn. 0.93
01:00:02.000 There's some people that are like, you can't even open a shoe store without filling paperwork out. 1.00
01:00:06.000 But they're like, nah, fuck it, we're selling weed. 0.99
01:00:08.000 And you're like, you can't do... 1.00
01:00:09.000 That doesn't give you a license to just do nothing.
01:00:12.000 Like our douchey friend that we were talking about that left his job and now is making tons of money selling weed.
01:00:17.000 He's no shining light of psychedelic love. 1.00
01:00:20.000 He's a cunt. 1.00
01:00:21.000 He's a farmer. 1.00
01:00:22.000 That's what he's doing.
01:00:22.000 He's a farmer.
01:00:23.000 He's a farmer.
01:00:25.000 What's cool is that place that's next to the ice house, you can actually rent a space and grow weed there.
01:00:30.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98
01:00:31.000 And they give you all the chemicals and all the shit there. 0.99
01:00:32.000 That's like a real co-op, right? 0.99
01:00:33.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:00:34.000 So it's like a place where you just rent and grow your own shit. 1.00
01:00:37.000 Oh, wow. 0.99
01:00:38.000 Like community gardens, but only for weed gardens.
01:00:40.000 That's so dope.
01:00:42.000 Welcome to America.
01:00:43.000 Yeah, we're going to have to have those guys come on the show. 1.00
01:00:45.000 But I don't know if they want to go publicly.
01:00:46.000 Which guys?
01:00:47.000 The guys from that place.
01:00:49.000 From that community garden.
01:00:50.000 Oh, right.
01:00:50.000 The guys that run that place.
01:00:51.000 We'll have them come on with anonymous masks.
01:00:52.000 Yeah, you ask them.
01:00:53.000 It's like, do you want to do it?
01:00:55.000 Here's what it entails.
01:00:56.000 Yeah, I wouldn't do it if I was them.
01:00:57.000 I'd want to stay as low-key as possible.
01:00:58.000 I asked an owner I know of, would you break down everything?
01:01:01.000 He goes, no, no, no, I couldn't.
01:01:02.000 No, I don't want to call that kind of attention to me.
01:01:04.000 Yeah, you don't want anybody looking at you as the target.
01:01:06.000 That guy from Oxardam in Oakland, he doesn't mind.
01:01:09.000 He likes being a public spokesman.
01:01:10.000 Yeah, but I mean, haven't they gone after him a bunch of times?
01:01:13.000 Probably.
01:01:14.000 I think there's a big issue right now with what they're allowed to write off.
01:01:18.000 Like, it's not like a regular business.
01:01:19.000 They're not allowed to write off the rent.
01:01:21.000 But they won't take taxes from the sale, I thought.
01:01:22.000 That's what we're just trying to make it legal so they can take taxes, but they don't already?
01:01:25.000 Well, they must be taking some taxes from medical weed.
01:01:28.000 I think it's a huge form of tax revenue, isn't it?
01:01:31.000 Medical weed?
01:01:32.000 I know they said, on their own, they said, we're going to pay taxes.
01:01:35.000 Let's find out.
01:01:35.000 Medical marijuana...
01:01:39.000 Taxation?
01:01:40.000 Tax revenue?
01:01:42.000 What about him?
01:01:44.000 Are they now paying tax because they have to, or are they just doing it because they volunteer?
01:01:48.000 Let's find out.
01:01:49.000 Volunteer still?
01:01:50.000 Voters approve it.
01:01:51.000 Okay, so they had to approve it.
01:01:52.000 This is what it is.
01:01:53.000 Voters had to approve marijuana tax revenue measure.
01:01:57.000 60% of voters decided Tuesday to honor Measure M, a citywide ballot measure that imposes new taxes on the sales of medical marijuana at brick-and-mortar dispensaries.
01:02:12.000 Brick-and-mortar dispensaries.
01:02:15.000 $50 out of each $1,000 in gross reimbursements.
01:02:20.000 So that's 5%.
01:02:21.000 $50 out of $1,000?
01:02:23.000 Yeah.
01:02:23.000 Isn't it?
01:02:24.000 That's 5%.
01:02:24.000 Yeah.
01:02:25.000 So how much will they already get?
01:02:26.000 5% is what their tax is?
01:02:28.000 That's pretty good.
01:02:29.000 The sales tax is $8.25.
01:02:31.000 That's on top of that, I think.
01:02:32.000 Oh, really?
01:02:32.000 I think there's a city tax.
01:02:34.000 I think it's a marijuana, Los Angeles marijuana tax.
01:02:37.000 Whatever, man.
01:02:38.000 Pay the tax. 0.99
01:02:39.000 You're getting to make a fucking shitload of money and you're spreading that love. 0.99
01:02:42.000 Pay the tax. 0.99
01:02:43.000 That's what I would say.
01:02:44.000 They're making plenty of money.
01:02:45.000 Yeah, they are.
01:02:46.000 Lower your prices a little bit, West Hollywood.
01:02:47.000 Lower your prices a little bit.
01:02:48.000 Oh, Ari just stepped up. 1.00
01:02:50.000 I feel Ari just stepped up. 0.97
01:02:51.000 It's starting to get out of hand.
01:02:52.000 It is.
01:02:52.000 A farmer sees a joke.
01:02:54.000 Tell me, tell me.
01:02:55.000 It's so expensive.
01:02:55.000 The pharmacy is a joke?
01:02:56.000 It's $75 for an eighth, and it's not that great.
01:02:58.000 It's like, it's good, it's good.
01:02:59.000 Homeboy sold me an ounce for how much?
01:03:02.000 Was it $2.60?
01:03:03.000 $2.50.
01:03:04.000 $2.50.
01:03:04.000 Oh, yeah.
01:03:05.000 And that shit puts you straight on the move. 1.00
01:03:06.000 That's my favorite weed. 0.99
01:03:09.000 His OG Kush is just the greatest.
01:03:11.000 Yeah, you bypass the stores, but I support the stores because I want to be able to go to them.
01:03:16.000 Makes sense.
01:03:17.000 I know that if I go straight to the grower, you can get...
01:03:19.000 Your lungs support great weed, so that guy gives you on wholesale prices.
01:03:23.000 Yeah, I don't need to make that money that bad.
01:03:25.000 I would rather give that extra $100 or whatever to the store so that they can make some profit and they can keep open.
01:03:30.000 I like the convenience of it.
01:03:31.000 They can't make a profit though, supposedly.
01:03:33.000 What?
01:03:33.000 They're not allowed to make profit.
01:03:34.000 Oh yeah, I just read something like that.
01:03:36.000 They were like, that's completely wrong.
01:03:37.000 Is it?
01:03:38.000 I just read that.
01:03:39.000 Where they're like, that's absolutely wrong.
01:03:40.000 That's just a misinterpretation of this rule.
01:03:43.000 Yeah, I just read something.
01:03:44.000 It's in the recent web.
01:03:46.000 Oh, it was on Dig.
01:03:47.000 It was on Dig.
01:03:48.000 I thought they weren't allowed to make profit, but they were allowed to be like, all right, you're getting paid $30 an hour.
01:03:54.000 I think the way it goes is you're not allowed to make profit like a normal corporation would.
01:03:58.000 But the way you can do it is you can take a salary.
01:04:03.000 Say if you run the place, you can take a salary, which is commensurate for someone who would be in your type of business.
01:04:08.000 So you could make a salary of $100,000 a year.
01:04:12.000 And the way Tom McCormick was telling me, one of the things that they do is, especially that Oaksterdam guy, They funnel a lot of the money back into the community in the source of charity, in the form of charity, in the form of grants.
01:04:24.000 They do a lot of different things with their money.
01:04:26.000 And the guy who runs it takes the salary, pays all the employees the salary, but you're not allowed to strictly get rich off it.
01:04:33.000 It's not like the guy who owns it can make 60% of the profits.
01:04:37.000 Yeah, this article said you can make as much as you want.
01:04:39.000 Really?
01:04:40.000 If it wasn't that thing.
01:04:41.000 Well, that's not what McCormick was telling me.
01:04:42.000 He was telling me you can't. 0.99
01:04:43.000 Fuck, I wish I could read it better. 1.00
01:04:45.000 He was telling me that you have to take a salary. 1.00
01:04:47.000 And that's how it works.
01:04:48.000 And that's what your profit is?
01:04:49.000 Just your salary?
01:04:50.000 Yeah.
01:04:51.000 But you could still.
01:04:53.000 A salary for a business that size.
01:04:55.000 What is commensurate?
01:04:56.000 A few hundred thousand dollars a year, I'm sure. 0.90
01:04:58.000 I mean, if you were running some U-Haul fucking empire, which is dealing with the same amount of money or something, U-Haul's a terrible example, but you know what I'm saying? 0.94
01:05:08.000 You'd make a good chunk of change. 0.99
01:05:10.000 A CEO for some big fucking company makes a lot of goddamn money. 0.99
01:05:14.000 If you're the CEO for some giant marijuana collective that's responsible for millions of dollars worth of business every year, you should be getting paid well, right? 1.00
01:05:22.000 Yeah.
01:05:23.000 I think.
01:05:23.000 That's what the CEOs of the banks did.
01:05:26.000 There's too many rules, bro.
01:05:29.000 There's too many rules.
01:05:31.000 There's not enough rules as far as, like, protecting the environment and too many rules when it comes to everything else.
01:05:37.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:05:38.000 Goddamn twat rockets. 1.00
01:05:40.000 I got a PS Vita, Joe. 1.00
01:05:41.000 This came out yesterday.
01:05:42.000 What's PS Vita?
01:05:42.000 This actually doesn't come out until the 22nd.
01:05:44.000 Is this a video game device?
01:05:45.000 Yeah, but this is the new thing all the kids are talking about.
01:05:48.000 It's a...
01:05:48.000 It's a new Game Boy?
01:05:49.000 New PlayStation thing.
01:05:51.000 Yeah?
01:05:51.000 And it's got...
01:05:52.000 You can get into it?
01:05:52.000 Touchscreen on the back and the front.
01:05:55.000 On the back?
01:05:56.000 It's got 3G built in, AT&T 3G. How's the back work?
01:05:59.000 The back just has a panel, and it's touch-sensitive.
01:06:02.000 So it feels your fingers?
01:06:04.000 Yeah, so you can use it with your steering.
01:06:05.000 Oh, wow.
01:06:06.000 And it's also got double joysticks.
01:06:10.000 Check this out.
01:06:10.000 It's got touchscreen in the front, finally.
01:06:13.000 It's pretty cool.
01:06:14.000 I've only got to play with it a little bit today.
01:06:15.000 I have an unboxing video at DeathSquad.tv.
01:06:17.000 What's it called again?
01:06:18.000 I'm doing a review.
01:06:19.000 It's called the PS Vita. 0.96
01:06:21.000 And what kind of games you get in this sucker? 0.93
01:06:23.000 What's cool is the graphics are amazing. 0.72
01:06:25.000 They look like a home console video game, and you can do your Netflix on here.
01:06:29.000 And since it has 3G, you can do all the stuff that you can do on a tablet.
01:06:34.000 It has two cameras in the front.
01:06:36.000 So you can surf the web on that?
01:06:37.000 Yeah, you can do camera front and the back and everything.
01:06:39.000 How's the battery life?
01:06:40.000 Battery's about five and a half hours, six hours.
01:06:43.000 It's pretty badass, though.
01:06:45.000 It just came out.
01:06:46.000 It comes out the 22nd, but you can buy an early version of it.
01:06:48.000 They send you one early?
01:06:50.000 I ordered, they have an early, like for people that pre-ordered it, you can get it a week or so.
01:06:55.000 What is that noise? 0.99
01:06:56.000 Is that making stupid music? 1.00
01:06:57.000 Is that Sonic the Hedgehog? 1.00
01:06:58.000 No. 1.00
01:06:59.000 You shut that stupid shit off? 1.00
01:07:01.000 Is it? 1.00
01:07:02.000 Oh, it is.
01:07:02.000 I don't know how to turn it off.
01:07:03.000 Oh, that's ridiculous. 0.95
01:07:04.000 Just kidding. 0.97
01:07:06.000 There's a lot of stuff.
01:07:07.000 It's so cool. 1.00
01:07:07.000 Why would the music be so stupid? 1.00
01:07:09.000 Oh, here we go. 1.00
01:07:10.000 Medical marijuana profit is allowed under California law.
01:07:13.000 Should I read it?
01:07:14.000 Sure.
01:07:14.000 Yeah.
01:07:15.000 Fuck, I carry on the Wi-Fi here eventually. 1.00
01:07:17.000 Oh, when it loads up. 0.98
01:07:19.000 But yeah, I'm doing a review on it at deskquad.tv.
01:07:21.000 How is it?
01:07:22.000 Is it fun?
01:07:22.000 So far, it's pretty awesome.
01:07:24.000 I like it has 3G, and you don't have any contracts, so you can just pay as you go.
01:07:28.000 The camera's not that good, but the graphics, the screen's amazing.
01:07:32.000 The games are amazing.
01:07:33.000 could download any a lot a lot of the previous console so nowadays they're kind of switching to where you download your video games it's still buying to the store oh really yeah that makes sense so instead of so instead of getting a disk you just download it right and then you can delete it if you want to you can delete it and or whatever it would that the only name really get rid of this so you think just everything's gonna be in the cloud down like I like that though yeah I like my landline I don't want to cord this phone.
01:08:02.000 If I want to talk to you so bad, I'll do it right here.
01:08:05.000 I'm an old man.
01:08:05.000 I don't want everything in the cloud.
01:08:06.000 I do like the cloud if they do it right.
01:08:08.000 iTunes just recently switched over to doing it right, where it shows you all the purchased songs that you've ever downloaded on iTunes.
01:08:15.000 Zero purchases.
01:08:17.000 And you can re-download them.
01:08:18.000 900 gigabytes of total songs.
01:08:22.000 Oh, are you allowed to talk about what happened...
01:08:26.000 In Minnesota?
01:08:26.000 Yeah.
01:08:27.000 Because I only know pieces of this.
01:08:30.000 Are you sure you're allowed?
01:08:31.000 Yeah, there's pieces I have to leave out.
01:08:32.000 There was a thing that Ari Shafir does.
01:08:36.000 It's a lark.
01:08:37.000 I mean, he pretends that what he's doing is hiding marijuana all around town, and then he calls it a hunt for the edible.
01:08:44.000 When it's really just lollipops.
01:08:45.000 It's really just...
01:08:46.000 Tootsie Rolls.
01:08:47.000 He wouldn't do that to you.
01:08:49.000 You can't handle it.
01:08:50.000 It would be cute if you could handle it, but you can't handle it.
01:08:53.000 So, that said...
01:08:54.000 But coincidentally, I do live in a state where they could sell really small stuff all the time.
01:08:59.000 Right.
01:09:00.000 And anyone pretty much here can buy it.
01:09:01.000 It's totally legal for us here.
01:09:02.000 Yeah.
01:09:03.000 So?
01:09:04.000 Yeah.
01:09:04.000 So what happened?
01:09:05.000 So, yeah, I've had them before where I had little scavenger hunts for this clearly fake, only tobacco product.
01:09:10.000 Yeah.
01:09:11.000 It's not marijuana.
01:09:12.000 Whatever you think it is. 0.94
01:09:13.000 It's just titsy. 1.00
01:09:14.000 And if you got high from it? 0.59
01:09:16.000 Placebo effect.
01:09:16.000 Purely placebo.
01:09:17.000 It's amazing.
01:09:17.000 Diabetes.
01:09:18.000 Exactly.
01:09:19.000 Diabetes.
01:09:20.000 It's spooky, man.
01:09:21.000 I got dizzy.
01:09:22.000 Yeah, and it's fun.
01:09:22.000 People just...
01:09:23.000 I make some clues and people just find it.
01:09:25.000 And you've been organizing this through Twitter?
01:09:27.000 Uh-huh.
01:09:28.000 It seems like a solid plan.
01:09:30.000 Well, it's good that you're not using real pot because...
01:09:33.000 No, that's why it's totally great. 0.99
01:09:34.000 Some people who have fucking heart attacks and freak the fuck out did... 0.98
01:09:38.000 So you did this in... 0.96
01:09:38.000 So usually I do them not in a specific type of place. 0.96
01:09:42.000 You know, I'll just do them somewhere, like, out.
01:09:44.000 Right.
01:09:45.000 I did it this time.
01:09:46.000 I tried doing it at the Mall of America.
01:09:49.000 You know that's like Fort Knox.
01:09:51.000 Yeah, they're all locked down now, I guess.
01:09:52.000 They have their own security and they have regular police there too.
01:09:55.000 And so what happened?
01:09:56.000 Well, I decided instead of hiding it like outside, like near a pillar or something, I figured there'd be less cameras, so I should go into a store and hide it there.
01:10:05.000 Right.
01:10:06.000 Maybe like increase business for them.
01:10:07.000 Right.
01:10:08.000 And so I did that at the store. 1.00
01:10:11.000 Grubby hippies looking for fucking free weed. 0.99
01:10:14.000 Also, what kind of clues can I give? 1.00
01:10:15.000 Like, what's it around that I can think of a clue for?
01:10:17.000 Right.
01:10:19.000 And then I found a place.
01:10:20.000 And then I left.
01:10:21.000 It was like, good.
01:10:22.000 Bada bing, bada boom. 1.00
01:10:23.000 Then I waited for like, you know, a few hours.
01:10:25.000 Started writing the clues.
01:10:26.000 And then I started releasing them.
01:10:28.000 It was great.
01:10:28.000 And people were looking for it.
01:10:30.000 First I narrowed down like a side of the mall.
01:10:32.000 Then like a floor.
01:10:33.000 And then like the store.
01:10:34.000 And then like where?
01:10:36.000 Anyway, so the show had just started.
01:10:38.000 The MC was on.
01:10:38.000 I was texting outside.
01:10:40.000 And I just saw a cop to my right and two securities to my left just standing there.
01:10:45.000 And they're like, Ari? 1.00
01:10:45.000 And I was like, I looked up and I was like, Oh, fuck. 1.00
01:10:49.000 Well, this is happening now. 0.99
01:10:50.000 I really didn't think it would. 1.00
01:10:55.000 I was like, fuck. 1.00
01:10:56.000 I've got to talk to you for a while. 1.00
01:10:57.000 I'm like, oh, hey.
01:11:00.000 This is totally cool.
01:11:01.000 Somebody's got to go inside right now and just let them know that I'm in trouble because they're going to have to find somebody really soon.
01:11:06.000 The show just started.
01:11:07.000 They've got like 40 minutes to find someone to headline nearby in Minneapolis.
01:11:11.000 So just let them know that this is happening.
01:11:14.000 So they did, whatever.
01:11:15.000 The cop...
01:11:16.000 Let's just say he was cool.
01:11:20.000 So he didn't find any specific evidence.
01:11:23.000 So that wasn't a problem.
01:11:24.000 But then the mall security was trying to say I couldn't go on.
01:11:26.000 They were going to ban me from the mall.
01:11:28.000 And the club was in the mall.
01:11:30.000 And then Rick Brunson, the owner, had to get on the phone and start yelling at him. 1.00
01:11:34.000 Saying, who the fuck are you? 1.00
01:11:35.000 You're going to cost me money? 1.00
01:11:36.000 Because that idiot... 1.00
01:11:38.000 How to fucking hide pot somewhere or hide fake pot? 1.00
01:11:41.000 That's what he called you, an idiot? 1.00
01:11:43.000 Yeah, to the security. 1.00
01:11:44.000 It's like, you're not going to cost me a bunch of money in refunds and disappoint all those people because he wants to be a fucking moron. 1.00
01:11:49.000 Wow. 1.00
01:11:50.000 I explained to them what happened to them.
01:11:51.000 I'm like, it's just for fun.
01:11:52.000 It's where I go.
01:11:53.000 It's totally legal.
01:11:54.000 I want other people to have fun.
01:11:57.000 Even though it's fake.
01:11:58.000 Even though it's fake.
01:12:00.000 I think they understood that.
01:12:01.000 You can't even do that in California because it's only legal with a license.
01:12:05.000 And you don't know if a kid's going to grab it.
01:12:07.000 But it isn't illegal.
01:12:08.000 That's the thing.
01:12:09.000 It's decriminalized in California to a certain amount.
01:12:11.000 As long as you don't think you're distributing it.
01:12:13.000 Some people ask me, what happens when a 15-year-old gets it?
01:12:16.000 I'm like, Great time for him.
01:12:18.000 What do you mean?
01:12:18.000 There's no problem there.
01:12:20.000 I'm pretty sure the kid's going to have...
01:12:22.000 These kids who got him came the next day to the show.
01:12:27.000 They did?
01:12:27.000 Yeah.
01:12:28.000 Oh, well, lucky it wasn't really weed.
01:12:30.000 Yeah.
01:12:31.000 Oh, yeah.
01:12:31.000 Yeah.
01:12:32.000 What happened was the people who went to the underwear aisle of that store that I shouldn't say because that lady was pretty cool too. 1.00
01:12:40.000 Right.
01:12:41.000 I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was...
01:12:43.000 Don't say which store.
01:12:44.000 She was cool.
01:12:45.000 She was like, I'm not going to press charges.
01:12:46.000 Please take down any mention of my store so I don't get in trouble.
01:12:48.000 Okay.
01:12:49.000 So it was a male clothing store.
01:12:51.000 I wanted to hire Elaine Bryant at a fat check store but I didn't think I could get in there without being noticed. 1.00
01:12:56.000 Yeah, well...
01:12:57.000 Why would it even be in there? 0.99
01:12:59.000 You look like somebody that would date a fat person. 0.99
01:13:01.000 Yeah. 0.96
01:13:04.000 Do you really think he looks like someone who did it?
01:13:05.000 No, that was a telly joke.
01:13:06.000 No, I might.
01:13:07.000 In some ways.
01:13:08.000 If the world gets dark.
01:13:11.000 Yeah, so the first people went and got it in the underwear aisle, and the next piece of people came in, and they couldn't find it, so they started tearing everything up, like, looking for it.
01:13:18.000 So that was an unintended consequence. 0.97
01:13:20.000 That sucks. 0.95
01:13:21.000 Yeah, but no trouble. 0.97
01:13:22.000 They let me off, like, five minutes before I had to go on.
01:13:24.000 Oh, that's cool.
01:13:25.000 Did you go on stage and immediately talk about it?
01:13:27.000 Yeah, of course.
01:13:28.000 Of course you did.
01:13:29.000 It's the first thing out of my mouth.
01:13:30.000 I was like, sorry, everybody, I'm just...
01:13:32.000 I was just...
01:13:33.000 Yeah, Rick Brunson, he got on the phone with me.
01:13:35.000 They were like, he wants to talk to you on the phone because he was in Edmonton on his landline.
01:13:38.000 And he was like, hey, first things first.
01:13:40.000 You need to act like I'm yelling at you.
01:13:43.000 Okay?
01:13:43.000 So now, is your smile gone?
01:13:45.000 And I was like, yeah.
01:13:45.000 And I started laughing.
01:13:46.000 He goes, don't laugh.
01:13:46.000 Don't laugh.
01:13:47.000 I'm serious.
01:13:47.000 He goes, it's not going to be any problem at all.
01:13:49.000 I'm like, sorry, dude, for getting here. 0.97
01:13:50.000 He goes, I don't fucking care. 0.81
01:13:51.000 It's totally cool. 0.98
01:13:52.000 I think if you've been running a comedy club as long as that guy's been...
01:13:55.000 He's also a comic.
01:13:56.000 He's like, whatever, I know.
01:13:57.000 It's totally fine.
01:13:58.000 Yeah, you've got to be careful, though.
01:14:00.000 That's crazy.
01:14:00.000 Yeah, so no full repercussions.
01:14:02.000 You've got to be fucking careful. 1.00
01:14:03.000 That shit's super illegal in certain parts of this country. 1.00
01:14:06.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:14:07.000 And we don't realize it because, as we said here...
01:14:09.000 That's lame, though.
01:14:09.000 That's another lame one.
01:14:10.000 What are you guys doing?
01:14:11.000 It's just so lame.
01:14:12.000 So your new thing is taking liquid acid and squirting it into the audience.
01:14:16.000 Into his eyes.
01:14:16.000 Yeah.
01:14:18.000 Don't imagine if he did that.
01:14:21.000 The best is I was standing there with security and some people came up for like the late show or something.
01:14:24.000 And they're like, oh, we brought something for you.
01:14:26.000 And they opened up their purse.
01:14:26.000 I was like, no, no.
01:14:28.000 No, no, no.
01:14:29.000 But then she was like, it's okay.
01:14:30.000 I'm like looking behind like, don't.
01:14:31.000 And it was just Swedish fish.
01:14:33.000 So it was all right.
01:14:33.000 Swedish fish.
01:14:35.000 What is that?
01:14:35.000 Just some like gummy product.
01:14:37.000 Oh, is it good?
01:14:38.000 That's hilarious.
01:14:38.000 Yeah, it's delicious.
01:14:39.000 I offered it to the cops.
01:14:40.000 And the lady cop was super hot. 1.00
01:14:41.000 Really?
01:14:42.000 Like, super hot.
01:14:43.000 Like, how hot?
01:14:44.000 Like, I was...
01:14:44.000 Hi, what?
01:14:45.000 How hot?
01:14:46.000 Like, an L.A.H. Wow.
01:14:48.000 Like, legit.
01:14:48.000 I kept looking at her, and I was like, you guys should come in.
01:14:50.000 You totally should come in.
01:14:52.000 You tried to get her to come to the show? 0.55
01:14:53.000 I mean, I couldn't go fully, like, so when you get off, we should hang out.
01:14:56.000 You should have totally gone right there.
01:14:57.000 I regret not doing it.
01:14:58.000 She was so pretty.
01:14:59.000 Why not?
01:15:00.000 Maybe that would have worked.
01:15:01.000 Maybe that would have worked.
01:15:02.000 Maybe it would have worked.
01:15:03.000 Maybe she's starving for some intellectual conversation, a funny guy, great sense of humor.
01:15:08.000 She seemed like she got it, too.
01:15:09.000 She seemed like she understood.
01:15:10.000 Or maybe she was dating the other really nice cop guy, and then he would have thrown you in prison. 0.99
01:15:15.000 He probably fucks her every time they shoot somebody. 1.00
01:15:17.000 God. 1.00
01:15:17.000 That's the deal. 1.00
01:15:18.000 Every time.
01:15:19.000 Don't shoot people.
01:15:20.000 Every down and then, dude. 1.00
01:15:22.000 Shit gets crazy. 1.00
01:15:23.000 She was a mall cop? 1.00
01:15:24.000 What?
01:15:25.000 She wasn't even a real cop?
01:15:26.000 She wasn't a real cop.
01:15:26.000 She was part of the mall cop.
01:15:27.000 Damn, hot mall cop. 1.00
01:15:28.000 She was so pretty. 0.99
01:15:30.000 Man, I was like, you guys should have a good comment.
01:15:31.000 Was she responsive at all to you?
01:15:32.000 She would smile. 1.00
01:15:34.000 She knew that it was just something being an idiot. 1.00
01:15:37.000 The guy, mall cop, was trying to pretend like he was a badass, but he couldn't really keep it going that much. 1.00
01:15:42.000 And then the head of security was trying to really enforce the law.
01:15:45.000 Oh. 0.99
01:15:47.000 But who fucking cares? 0.99
01:15:50.000 Could have got in trouble, buddy. 0.99
01:15:51.000 I could have.
01:15:52.000 Could have went to jail. 1.00
01:15:53.000 What if somebody just showed up at the joint and said, this dirty Jew gave me this joint? 1.00
01:15:57.000 They could say that now. 1.00
01:15:58.000 And I smoked it.
01:15:59.000 Whoa. 1.00
01:15:59.000 Don't be giving that shit out. 1.00
01:16:01.000 You've got to stop doing that. 1.00
01:16:03.000 We're going to have Be Real from Cypress Hill on soon.
01:16:05.000 Whoa, that's cool.
01:16:06.000 Yeah.
01:16:06.000 I've been going back and forth with him on Twitter.
01:16:08.000 And Arge Barker.
01:16:08.000 He's going to be on too.
01:16:10.000 But one of the things about...
01:16:11.000 Yeah, he's in America until Monday.
01:16:12.000 One of the things about Be Real from Cypress Hill that he and I share is that he won't just take weed from strangers.
01:16:17.000 He won't.
01:16:17.000 He won't smoke their weed.
01:16:18.000 Doug Benson does it from everybody.
01:16:21.000 Yeah, Doug Benson does.
01:16:22.000 He gets high with people all the time.
01:16:24.000 But the government's probably getting high with him too, and they're probably giving him some weed that's got little GPS signals in it.
01:16:30.000 He needs that.
01:16:31.000 That's all he can get high off at this point.
01:16:33.000 His tolerance is too high.
01:16:34.000 I'm getting high off GPS. Oh, he's got those GPS crystals?
01:16:37.000 Oh, cool.
01:16:38.000 He's getting high off Wi-Fi.
01:16:39.000 It's hitting me hard.
01:16:40.000 That's... 1.00
01:16:42.000 How long before they actually just spray you with some shit they can track you with? 0.99
01:16:47.000 They probably already have the capability. 0.99
01:16:49.000 They can track you already.
01:16:51.000 Yeah, I mean, it's not hard to find you just through your Twitter.
01:16:53.000 Most people are on the grid. 1.00
01:16:55.000 Yeah, Twitter, your fucking credit cards. 1.00
01:16:56.000 Going to Joe's house, going to Burbank, I'm at the airport, shit. 1.00
01:16:58.000 They let you go about your business. 0.99
01:17:00.000 They don't care what you do most of the time.
01:17:01.000 Most of the time, until you oppose them.
01:17:03.000 Until you're in some sort of position where you might be trying to take over.
01:17:06.000 Can you imagine the kind of tapping they have on Ron Paul's information?
01:17:09.000 Yeah, he can't even order pizza without them breaking down the wording. 1.00
01:17:12.000 Shit. 0.99
01:17:14.000 How long is Archbar going to be here for? 1.00
01:17:16.000 He said until Monday.
01:17:18.000 Isn't that amazing that they're so ignoring this Ron Paul cat and then pushing this Rick Santorum dude on everybody.
01:17:24.000 Well, at least he's not a Mormon. 1.00
01:17:25.000 There's been evidence of voter fraud in Maine, by the way.
01:17:27.000 Ron Paul is supposed to be one in Maine, and before even all the precincts were counted, they were giving it to Santorum.
01:17:34.000 They're saying there's voter fraud in Maine.
01:17:36.000 Really?
01:17:36.000 I mean, it's just a caucus.
01:17:38.000 I would have liked to see Ron Paul win one state.
01:17:39.000 Yeah, it would have been cute.
01:17:40.000 In the prelims.
01:17:41.000 Well, you know what, man?
01:17:42.000 I think this whole system's rigged.
01:17:43.000 Of course it is.
01:17:44.000 I really, absolutely, absolutely, truly believe it. 0.99
01:17:47.000 And I think these guys are just auditioning to be the CEO of a company where they're not even going to get a chance to say what the fuck gets to go on. 0.98
01:17:54.000 And they're not going to get it anyway. 0.99
01:17:55.000 Obama's going to win again.
01:17:57.000 Obama's way better than Mitt Romney.
01:17:59.000 He's way more charismatic.
01:18:01.000 Look, they can do some Hollywood math on the numbers and have you convinced that we're in an economic upswing.
01:18:06.000 One guy's just super rich.
01:18:07.000 Nobody likes super rich. 0.99
01:18:08.000 Yeah, he came in the wrong time and the world was fucked up when he got here and the country was fucked up. 0.98
01:18:14.000 But in the time that he's been here, he'll spin some fucking legislation that we've passed and help this and the economic stimulus and put us back on track. 0.98
01:18:22.000 Sort of. 0.97
01:18:23.000 Whatever.
01:18:23.000 That National Defense Authorization Act kills everything that he did.
01:18:27.000 Everything.
01:18:28.000 That's that thing that allows people to be detained indefinitely with no warrants.
01:18:33.000 The fact that he passed that...
01:18:35.000 It's just such an easy way to abuse that. 0.95
01:18:37.000 It's so gross. 0.94
01:18:38.000 It's gross.
01:18:39.000 It's completely unconstitutional.
01:18:40.000 This is the first time on my radio station that comes on the news about the elections or the pre-elections, whatever they're having.
01:18:46.000 It just seems like when Newt Gingrich and Perry and Santorum and Mitt Romney, it seems like they keep...
01:18:52.000 Like, just lying?
01:18:53.000 Yeah.
01:18:53.000 And then, like, going back on, yeah, I did say this, but that's not what I believe now.
01:18:56.000 It just seems like little kids just saying whatever they can so they can get their prize.
01:19:01.000 Oh, yeah.
01:19:02.000 Especially Ron.
01:19:02.000 But it's like, and Ron Paul's the only one who just says, well, this is what I believe.
01:19:05.000 A lot of this shit's not popular. 0.99
01:19:06.000 Give me another one of those if you're good. 0.99
01:19:07.000 Yeah.
01:19:08.000 But it's like, this is what I've always said.
01:19:09.000 The same thing for always.
01:19:11.000 Oh, thanks.
01:19:11.000 Yeah.
01:19:12.000 When they're afraid of going on the record for what they really believe if it's not popular.
01:19:15.000 It's not real. 1.00
01:19:15.000 They don't believe shit. 1.00
01:19:17.000 They believe they want to be president. 1.00
01:19:18.000 Yeah, that's what it is.
01:19:19.000 It's like they're just trying to get elected.
01:19:20.000 Yeah.
01:19:20.000 It's like when you audition for a show that you hope you don't get.
01:19:23.000 Yeah, we're like, this sucks, but I'll make believe I like the sense of humor. 1.00
01:19:27.000 Rick Perry is so lucky he's dumb, because now he gets to live the rest of his life without Secret Service agents wiping his ass everywhere he goes. 0.99
01:19:33.000 Because if he won, and he could have fucking won, don't get me wrong, if that guy auditioned for the role of president just four years ago, and he was just coached a little bit better, and someone with a little hindsight, you get some smart dudes behind him. 1.00
01:19:48.000 Yeah, that's all it is, right? 0.87
01:19:49.000 Isn't that all it is?
01:19:50.000 Attracting the best PR people?
01:19:51.000 He's no dumber than George Bush He's no dumber than GW He's just like an actress Yeah He's just to build your resume Yeah, build your resume Do it correctly Become popular at the right time Exactly He was popular at one point in time Do you remember?
01:20:02.000 It was like That guy was like He looked handsome He looked like fucking But I remember them talking about Obama At some like Democratic convention And they were like Ooh, he gave a really good speech People are going to look at him now He's like a presidential guy Yeah. 0.97
01:20:14.000 It's like having a really good game in the NBA All-Star game. 0.98
01:20:16.000 Yeah.
01:20:16.000 It's like having a good set on Comedy Central.
01:20:19.000 Yeah, and all of a sudden it's like, oh, watch out.
01:20:20.000 Yeah.
01:20:21.000 It's an act.
01:20:21.000 Or some chick in some movie.
01:20:23.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:20:23.000 I remember my friend, who I will not name his name because he's a silly fucking liberal. 1.00
01:20:30.000 Not that there's anything wrong with being a liberal, but he's silly. 1.00
01:20:32.000 But he's silly liberal. 0.99
01:20:32.000 He's one of those guys. 0.99
01:20:33.000 And when I say liberal, I'm very liberal in most of the things.
01:20:36.000 Most things like gay marriage and civil rights and most of those things.
01:20:40.000 You shouldn't be attached to everything, though.
01:20:41.000 Exactly.
01:20:42.000 I'm not on a team.
01:20:43.000 I'm not on team this or team that. 0.70
01:20:45.000 And when you are, I think you're silly if you're a liberal by choice, in a category, predetermined pattern behavior you follow, or you're conservative. 0.98
01:20:53.000 Either one of them is just silly to me. 0.92
01:20:55.000 But this guy was telling me what a great President Obama would make.
01:20:59.000 And I go, why do you say that?
01:21:00.000 What policies that he supports do you believe?
01:21:03.000 Unlike him. 0.99
01:21:04.000 He didn't have a fucking... 0.99
01:21:05.000 nothing to say. 0.99
01:21:06.000 He just started giving me like double talk.
01:21:08.000 I go, do you even know anything the stuff this guy does or do you love him because he's a good looking black guy?
01:21:12.000 And you love like supporting a black guy because you got a little bit of white guilt.
01:21:16.000 Yeah. 0.68
01:21:17.000 And he didn't want to admit it.
01:21:18.000 Do you see that Howard Stern thing they did with the interview people and just messed up the facts?
01:21:21.000 Like Obama...
01:21:23.000 Obama and McCain is running together against so-and-so who are you going to vote for?
01:21:26.000 It's like Obama and McCain!
01:21:28.000 It's all about McCain.
01:21:29.000 Do you think he'd be a good president for Obama?
01:21:30.000 He's like, yeah.
01:21:31.000 I like his policies.
01:21:32.000 Oh, that's hilarious.
01:21:34.000 Yeah.
01:21:35.000 Was it... 1.00
01:21:35.000 I'm trying to remember who that fuck that was. 1.00
01:21:38.000 Who did it? 1.00
01:21:39.000 Maybe it was for Tough Crowd. 1.00
01:21:41.000 Fuck. 1.00
01:21:41.000 I wish I knew what it was. 1.00
01:21:42.000 Who's that guy we met in New York that time?
01:21:45.000 The Boston comic?
01:21:46.000 Yeah.
01:21:47.000 Boston comic book.
01:21:48.000 You didn't like me, I was texting.
01:21:49.000 Nick DiPaolo?
01:21:50.000 Yeah.
01:21:50.000 You didn't like you because of what?
01:21:52.000 I was texting or something.
01:21:53.000 No, no, that's not what it was.
01:21:54.000 You joked around about jocks.
01:21:57.000 You said something about jocks.
01:21:59.000 Boston is all jocks.
01:22:00.000 That's what it was.
01:22:00.000 Yeah, yeah, that's what you said.
01:22:01.000 It was a bunch of dumb jocks. 1.00
01:22:03.000 You know, who the fuck is this guy? 1.00
01:22:04.000 Nick DiPaolo was quick to tell you to fuck yourself. 1.00
01:22:07.000 He immediately happened to wear a sweater or something, and he was like, oh, in case we all can't be Jeanine Garofalo. 1.00
01:22:12.000 I was like, what do you think?
01:22:13.000 What?
01:22:14.000 Did I offend you?
01:22:15.000 Yeah, he thought you were...
01:22:16.000 Well, you kind of dress a little bit like a hipster.
01:22:17.000 Yeah, I guess I do.
01:22:18.000 If people didn't know you, they would totally think you're a hipster.
01:22:21.000 Until they hear you talk.
01:22:22.000 They would think I'm an alternative comic. 1.00
01:22:24.000 Until they hear your filthy, dirty mouth on stage. 1.00
01:22:26.000 Yeah, they would think you were an alternative. 1.00
01:22:28.000 Thank God you're not. 0.99
01:22:31.000 It's so hard to be friends with an alternative comic and pretend that all that shit is funny. 0.99
01:22:34.000 It's starting to go away, the lines. 0.99
01:22:36.000 Of course it is.
01:22:37.000 There's some real good people that just go up in that scene and then vice versa.
01:22:40.000 They're just comics.
01:22:41.000 Yeah.
01:22:41.000 Of course it is.
01:22:42.000 The people that wanted to be alternative.
01:22:44.000 Louie used to always do that.
01:22:45.000 Yeah, but it was just a comic.
01:22:47.000 They're all rooms and you go up at the store.
01:22:48.000 Yeah.
01:22:49.000 And you're like, oh, you come here too?
01:22:50.000 I was like, what do you mean?
01:22:50.000 It's stage time.
01:22:51.000 Yeah, he's just a comic.
01:22:53.000 Yeah, he's smart enough to realize that.
01:22:55.000 But a lot of these dummies, it was like, you know what it was? 0.67
01:22:57.000 It was like, we found a cool club.
01:22:59.000 This is like the Cool Kids Club.
01:23:00.000 You know, this is the Janine Garofalo Club.
01:23:03.000 Chechen Rebel.
01:23:04.000 Doesn't that sound like a serial?
01:23:05.000 Chechenian? 0.68
01:23:06.000 Yeah.
01:23:07.000 Yeah.
01:23:08.000 What?
01:23:08.000 Why'd you say that?
01:23:09.000 Oh, that's one of their jokes?
01:23:11.000 Oh, really?
01:23:11.000 That's a Gene Garofalo line.
01:23:13.000 Because he was looking.
01:23:14.000 I think he was imagining her.
01:23:15.000 I'm just doing what they do on stage, like looking off in the distance, saying something mildly ironic.
01:23:21.000 Yeah.
01:23:22.000 You know?
01:23:23.000 It's not even funny.
01:23:24.000 Shut it! 1.00
01:23:25.000 You're not funny! 0.99
01:23:27.000 No!
01:23:28.000 Work harder at this. 0.99
01:23:30.000 You're not trying hard enough and your point of view sucks because it's not real. 0.96
01:23:34.000 You're not really. 1.00
01:23:35.000 You're just trying to fit into a mold that you think these little hipster twat heads are going to appreciate. 1.00
01:23:40.000 Yeah, clap, clap.
01:23:41.000 I saw Paul Tompkins talking about the state of alternative comedy.
01:23:44.000 Yeah.
01:23:44.000 On a podcast in San Francisco.
01:23:46.000 Jamie Kilstein's podcast.
01:23:46.000 The state is AIDS. He goes, it's really sucky right now.
01:23:49.000 It's AIDS. He goes, all these people trying to be alternative comics and sucky because they're trying to be this. 0.92
01:23:54.000 Instead of just being it. 0.97
01:23:55.000 It's AIDS. It's AIDS. They all have AIDS. It's not funny.
01:23:58.000 And they're super snotty about it.
01:24:00.000 It's like, the thing about the grossest thing...
01:24:02.000 That's the biggest problem with snottyness. 1.00
01:24:03.000 The snottyness.
01:24:05.000 It's not even...
01:24:05.000 Over what?
01:24:06.000 You're not even putting out good art. 1.00
01:24:08.000 Like, shut your snotty mouth. 0.99
01:24:09.000 It's not good stuff. 0.98
01:24:11.000 It's not funny.
01:24:12.000 The bottom line is it was created.
01:24:14.000 Some of it is.
01:24:15.000 But that's good comedy, period.
01:24:17.000 It'd be good anywhere.
01:24:18.000 The bottom line is the need for alternative comedy was created because the ones who were trying to do it weren't successful in other rooms.
01:24:26.000 They weren't successful.
01:24:26.000 Whether it's because they were performing for dumb crowds or whether they were performing for people that didn't appreciate what they were doing, so they had to find people who did.
01:24:33.000 That's all well and good, but they became, in a lot of ways, not all of them, totally generalizing and pigeonholing. 0.50
01:24:39.000 They had this irony, this ironic disposition.
01:24:42.000 Yeah, but they also became sort of comedy bullies. 0.99
01:24:46.000 If you hung around them, like Burt Kreischer has a terrible story about them being fucking shitty to him. 0.99
01:24:52.000 Really? 0.99
01:24:52.000 Over at the UC, whatever it is, UCB? Yeah. 0.99
01:24:55.000 About how gross his experience was there.
01:24:58.000 When people are bullied, they want to bully back.
01:25:01.000 Children that are molested go on to become molesters.
01:25:03.000 It's so weird.
01:25:04.000 But then Ian Edwards, I met him in Miami.
01:25:05.000 What a terrible connection.
01:25:07.000 I did.
01:25:08.000 Nobody ever called me on it. 1.00
01:25:10.000 You're like, whatever, just keep talking, stupid. 1.00
01:25:11.000 Just keep rambling. 1.00
01:25:13.000 I saw Ian go about that alternative.
01:25:15.000 I'm like, what material do you do for this?
01:25:16.000 He goes, crowds are crowds, man.
01:25:17.000 Yeah, I've done the UCB twice and then I had great crowds.
01:25:20.000 Yeah, I did the UCB. I loved it.
01:25:22.000 I had a great time now.
01:25:23.000 It's not the audience, man.
01:25:25.000 It's not the audiences.
01:25:26.000 It's the comics.
01:25:26.000 It's the artists.
01:25:27.000 And it's not all of them.
01:25:28.000 It's just a few.
01:25:28.000 It's just like cops.
01:25:29.000 A few cunts spoil the whole podcast. 0.99
01:25:31.000 That's what it is. 0.99
01:25:33.000 Exactly what it is. 0.99
01:25:33.000 That's why everyone's against it because of those few cunts. 0.99
01:25:35.000 Yeah, same with cops, same with girls, same with guys, same with everything. 0.97
01:25:41.000 The few people stand out.
01:25:42.000 I hate it when a girl says I don't take comics anymore because all the comics have been bad.
01:25:45.000 I'm like, come on, wait, break it down because I'm not all of them. 0.90
01:25:48.000 Yeah, but you're terrible.
01:25:49.000 Yeah, but if it's all about like... 0.95
01:25:51.000 Whatever it is.
01:25:52.000 I'm like, yeah, yeah, we do that.
01:25:53.000 I was like, I'm a great guy.
01:25:55.000 Come on.
01:25:56.000 Give me a chance.
01:25:57.000 Give me a chance.
01:25:58.000 But if they say they're needy, then I'm like, well, I'm not needy.
01:26:00.000 But if they say they can't commit, I'm like, oh, yeah, all right, that's fine.
01:26:03.000 Yeah, we shouldn't do it.
01:26:04.000 Yeah, well, isn't that like what all women want, Ari Shaffir? 1.00
01:26:07.000 Yeah, some of them.
01:26:08.000 They all want love.
01:26:09.000 They all want to know that you're going to be there for them.
01:26:11.000 They all want you to listen to their highlight reel.
01:26:14.000 Highlight reel?
01:26:15.000 Correct their act.
01:26:16.000 The worst is dating a comic.
01:26:17.000 Dating a comic and you have to help them with their act.
01:26:20.000 Do you think this is funny?
01:26:21.000 There's nothing more of a turn off than a girl going over her bits with you. 1.00
01:26:25.000 Anyone going over their bits with you is horrible.
01:26:26.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:26:27.000 But a girl that you want to fuck? 1.00
01:26:30.000 Stop it. 1.00
01:26:31.000 I want you to listen to my joke.
01:26:34.000 Tell me if you think this is funny. 1.00
01:26:35.000 Meanwhile, your dick is like a headache in your pants. 1.00
01:26:41.000 Let's just do it. 1.00
01:26:43.000 Tell me if you think this is good.
01:26:45.000 I've dated a few comics.
01:26:46.000 I start telling them now, I am not going to help you with your act.
01:26:49.000 I'm not going to try to correct you.
01:26:51.000 If I see something like...
01:26:52.000 Thematically you're doing that I can see a fix for.
01:26:55.000 Like, you should check out this room.
01:26:56.000 You might do well there.
01:26:57.000 Yeah.
01:26:58.000 Like, I would do that, but that's it.
01:26:59.000 Like, just give you suggestions of, like, directions to go.
01:27:02.000 Yeah.
01:27:03.000 I go to peers every now and then.
01:27:04.000 There's something wrong with this bit, man.
01:27:06.000 Doesn't the bit seem too verbose or something like that?
01:27:09.000 But I'm kind of just sounding off.
01:27:10.000 I kind of know anyway. 0.99
01:27:12.000 If you're being objective about your shit, which you always have to be anyway. 0.99
01:27:14.000 Well, somebody tells you, like, yeah, they saw that. 0.99
01:27:16.000 Like, I like that joke.
01:27:16.000 I'm like, do you think, yeah, don't you think in there it needs a little something?
01:27:20.000 Yeah.
01:27:20.000 If you know they saw it.
01:27:22.000 You kind of know though.
01:27:23.000 You know when something needs something if you're being really honest about it, right?
01:27:26.000 Yeah.
01:27:26.000 But sometimes they help you.
01:27:27.000 They're like, well, have you ever thought about going from there into your family right there?
01:27:30.000 And you're like, oh, I didn't.
01:27:31.000 Yeah, you're right.
01:27:32.000 Yeah.
01:27:32.000 Like they're not writing you a joke.
01:27:34.000 They're just like an angle you didn't think you took.
01:27:36.000 Yeah.
01:27:36.000 Yeah.
01:27:36.000 Or good taglines.
01:27:38.000 Yeah, I had this King Kong bit that I was doing and Louis C.K. pulled me aside.
01:27:42.000 He goes, you know, it was really funny. 0.96
01:27:44.000 He goes, you should say that King Kong is this really cunty wife too. 0.98
01:27:47.000 And do this whole thing about King Kong's gunty wife. 1.00
01:27:51.000 Probably at home.
01:27:52.000 Why this whole thing about King Kong being the most racist movie ever? 0.98
01:27:56.000 That he was around these naked black women his entire life. 1.00
01:28:00.000 He never gave a fuck. 1.00
01:28:00.000 He saw one white chick in a dress and lost his fucking mind and had to have her. 1.00
01:28:06.000 Really, exactly what that movie was. 1.00
01:28:08.000 They were dancing, these black girls. 1.00
01:28:09.000 They had feathers on and shit. 1.00
01:28:10.000 They were naked, tits hanging out, drums playing, fire dancing and shit. 1.00
01:28:15.000 No one cared. 1.00
01:28:16.000 And he's like, yeah, King Kong should have a really cunty wife. 0.99
01:28:20.000 That was why he was still married, though. 0.62
01:28:23.000 That's like the angle you always go to. 0.65
01:28:27.000 Cunty wife, yeah. 0.99
01:28:28.000 Cunty wife holds him back and keeps him from being funny. 1.00
01:28:32.000 I think you would ever date a comic again?
01:28:35.000 Casually date him, yeah.
01:28:36.000 What about Little Esther?
01:28:36.000 I do that sometimes.
01:28:38.000 I think Duncan's dating Esther right now.
01:28:40.000 Do you really?
01:28:40.000 I was thinking.
01:28:42.000 Oh my god.
01:28:42.000 I heard you're dating Natasha again.
01:28:44.000 Ugh, no.
01:28:44.000 Woo!
01:28:46.000 Woo! 0.99
01:28:46.000 That's getting hot in here! 0.99
01:28:48.000 Damn! 0.99
01:28:49.000 That'd be so weird. 0.99
01:28:50.000 Could you even fucking imagine if you guys just swapped back and forth?
01:28:55.000 And you're like, look, I know you left me before, but I wasn't the man that I am now. 0.86
01:28:58.000 I'm a different man now.
01:28:59.000 I'm a different man now.
01:29:00.000 It was cool.
01:29:01.000 It was totally cool.
01:29:02.000 It was totally cool back then when you went with Duncan.
01:29:05.000 It was totally cool if you just go right back to me because that's where you belong. 1.00
01:29:09.000 And then as soon as you pull out, you nut it right in her eyes and say, fuck it. 1.00
01:29:14.000 Fuck you! 1.00
01:29:15.000 I've been waiting for five years to do this! 1.00
01:29:18.000 Fuck you! 1.00
01:29:19.000 And you give her double fingers while you're naked! 1.00
01:29:22.000 Fuck you! 1.00
01:29:24.000 How many guys have done that? 1.00
01:29:25.000 Got back with a girl, pretended to be in love with her just so they could shoot a load on her. 0.57
01:29:27.000 Just so they could do that? 1.00
01:29:28.000 And then just say, fuck you! 1.00
01:29:31.000 You ever see that old movie called The Heiress? 1.00
01:29:33.000 The Heiress?
01:29:34.000 Yeah, it's about this girl who got jilted and she just waits to get revenge for like decades.
01:29:39.000 That's like I spit on your grave.
01:29:40.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00
01:29:42.000 I have girls that I wait on just to fuck, like Megan Fox and Lindsay Lohan. 1.00
01:29:46.000 I think in like 12 years, they would probably be doable. 1.00
01:29:49.000 Once they hit the wall?
01:29:49.000 Yeah.
01:29:50.000 You know who I think you can get?
01:29:51.000 Brett Butler from Grace Under Fire.
01:29:54.000 She needs a place to stay, right? 0.54
01:29:55.000 She needs a place to stay. 1.00
01:29:56.000 You can take her.
01:29:56.000 Stay with my face, Brett Butler.
01:29:58.000 She's okay in her day.
01:29:59.000 We talked about her back in the last show, about how crazy it was.
01:30:02.000 She was one of the Chuck Lorre.
01:30:04.000 She was a Chuck Lorre show.
01:30:05.000 Grace Under 5. That guy has just been around forever, just churning out the hits.
01:30:09.000 And she was all cracked out.
01:30:12.000 Chuck Lorre?
01:30:12.000 There was always the rumor on the set that she had done some crazy thing, threw a drink in his face, had some memes at him.
01:30:18.000 Really?
01:30:18.000 And she got gone from that?
01:30:20.000 Yeah, that killed her. 1.00
01:30:21.000 It's powerful as fuck. 1.00
01:30:22.000 You think he cares? 1.00
01:30:22.000 You're rated 12th? 1.00
01:30:23.000 Yeah.
01:30:25.000 You're not supposed to do that anyway.
01:30:26.000 That would make a lot of money.
01:30:27.000 You're not supposed to do that anyway.
01:30:28.000 That's what killed Titus' show too.
01:30:30.000 You ever turn something down for money?
01:30:31.000 Like somebody offers a sponsor to this and you're like, that doesn't go with what I do at all.
01:30:34.000 Oh yeah, definitely.
01:30:35.000 Yeah, it's like people can turn down money.
01:30:37.000 Chuck Lorre says, I have plenty of money.
01:30:39.000 I'll just not do your show anymore. 0.98
01:30:41.000 Yeah, I'll kill your show before it goes to syndication. 1.00
01:30:43.000 If you're going to be a complete asshole to me, then yeah, I'm not going to work for you. 1.00
01:30:45.000 They killed Titus' show before it goes to syndication. 1.00
01:30:48.000 Yeah, you had some crazy blowout.
01:30:50.000 Remember that movie TV show?
01:30:51.000 I talked about a few times that no one could remember it.
01:30:54.000 What's it's called mr. Smith?
01:30:55.000 It was about a monkey monkey that was president.
01:30:57.000 Yeah, yeah, and it's impossible.
01:30:59.000 Black and white.
01:31:00.000 No, no, no That's you think of mr. Smith goes to Washington or Hollywood Well, sure this is a TV show and somebody uploaded a like five-second commercial on YouTube the other day And so I finally okay So I finally found, I have a screenshot of the monkey, so I don't know if I'm going crazy.
01:31:19.000 Whoa, that's an orangutan.
01:31:20.000 It's an orangutan, but this is what it looked like.
01:31:23.000 He was the president, and he was some kind of animated, or like Muppet, realistic Muppet type, ALF type thing.
01:31:31.000 Oh, so it wasn't a real...
01:31:35.000 I think they used both.
01:31:37.000 That sounds like when NBC went to 7.30 primetime.
01:31:39.000 Yeah.
01:31:39.000 You know, they tried that.
01:31:41.000 Small Wonder, I think, was there.
01:31:42.000 It was NBC also.
01:31:43.000 My Two Dads.
01:31:44.000 It was NBC. Yeah, it seemed like that much.
01:31:46.000 And they were all way worse than a regular sitcom. 0.99
01:31:48.000 It's like, you think sitcoms are shitty. 0.95
01:31:50.000 Think what wouldn't have made it. 0.98
01:31:51.000 Right.
01:31:52.000 Here, I want to read this about the cannabis thing.
01:31:54.000 Okay.
01:31:54.000 Okay, there's a...
01:31:55.000 By Robert Raich, who wrote it.
01:31:57.000 There's a widely held misconception that businesses in California medical cannabis industry are prohibited from making a profit.
01:32:02.000 In reality, no California law prohibits cannabis-related businessmen from making a profit.
01:32:08.000 Opponents of medical pot...
01:32:09.000 I'm going to translate it as I read it.
01:32:11.000 However, have done a massive job spreading disinformation since SB 420 was signed into law in 2003. The disinformation has become so prevalent that it is affecting safe access to medical cannabis patients...
01:32:21.000 Blah, blah, blah.
01:32:24.000 Okay, and it resulted in State Senator John whatever releasing a letter debunking the widely held misconception that profit is not permitted from medical cannabis providers under California law.
01:32:35.000 I'm looking at Brian's moth.
01:32:37.000 The giant moth?
01:32:38.000 The one that he smoked? 1.00
01:32:39.000 Smoked its shit. 1.00
01:32:40.000 Why would you smoke something that came out of that thing's ass? 1.00
01:32:43.000 The liquid looks so trippy that I'm like, I wonder if this would do anything. 0.99
01:32:48.000 I mean, it didn't look like poop. 0.99
01:32:50.000 It's probably fucking poison. 0.99
01:32:50.000 No, it was probably poop or something. 0.99
01:32:52.000 It's probably massive.
01:32:53.000 And I lit it anyway.
01:32:54.000 Poison.
01:32:54.000 It's probably, you know what it is?
01:32:56.000 It probably had a miscarriage right there on your floor.
01:32:59.000 Yeah, but it was pregnant. 0.98
01:33:00.000 I bet that was pregnant. 1.00
01:33:02.000 Could be.
01:33:02.000 That's why it shook like that.
01:33:03.000 It was on my door for two days, yeah.
01:33:05.000 Jesus Christ, Brian. 1.00
01:33:07.000 You're gonna die. 0.99
01:33:08.000 It's not good.
01:33:10.000 Whatever it is, it's not good.
01:33:11.000 You have like one of those porch entries, right?
01:33:12.000 Where it goes over, where you can stay in the rain.
01:33:14.000 You won't get wet.
01:33:15.000 Yeah.
01:33:16.000 Do moths love that?
01:33:17.000 Nice. 0.98
01:33:17.000 Whose balls are those? 0.98
01:33:19.000 It's Valentine's Day balls. 0.98
01:33:22.000 Whose balls are those? 1.00
01:33:23.000 Just download it. 1.00
01:33:24.000 Are those your balls? 1.00
01:33:25.000 Huh? 1.00
01:33:25.000 Are those your balls? 1.00
01:33:26.000 No. 1.00
01:33:27.000 Are they?
01:33:28.000 No.
01:33:28.000 They're pretty if they are.
01:33:29.000 They're a heart. 0.99
01:33:29.000 Can you imagine if you got an operation to have your balls always in the shape of a heart? 0.99
01:33:34.000 Like there was a new thing, and women wanted you to do it, to show them that you really cared, and you would just get your balls tucked into a heart shape. 1.00
01:33:42.000 There was like a little plastic V implant that they would put in at the bottom of your ball sack. 0.62
01:33:47.000 So it would just look like a heart at all times.
01:33:48.000 Yeah, so it would always look like a heart.
01:33:50.000 Dudes would do it. 1.00
01:33:51.000 I always wonder why belly buttons never got extended or changed in any way. 0.99
01:33:57.000 The balls are so vulnerable as it is. 0.59
01:33:59.000 Yeah, the belly button nobody really touches. 0.97
01:34:00.000 Sometimes they get belly button rings, people. 0.97
01:34:01.000 You can get an implant on your balls with a wire frame that was in the shape of your heart. 0.83
01:34:06.000 Like those old ladies' dresses from the cold days where they had to proof them out. 0.98
01:34:10.000 Yeah, they just spread it out like a bat wing.
01:34:12.000 Like the bat wing over the balls and spread it out. 1.00
01:34:15.000 Your fucking balls are already super vulnerable. 1.00
01:34:17.000 If somebody kicks you in the balls and you have an implant in there, it's going to even hurt anymore. 1.00
01:34:22.000 But there's so much extra skin you can do stuff with there. 0.98
01:34:25.000 Yeah, there's so much.
01:34:26.000 Totally.
01:34:27.000 Well, that's what we were talking about. 0.99
01:34:27.000 The guy who got fucked to death by the horse. 0.99
01:34:29.000 He had like a whole binder. 0.99
01:34:31.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:34:31.000 Like a fucking notebook binder of rings coming off his horse. 1.00
01:34:35.000 Yeah, why not? 1.00
01:34:35.000 Of course, eventually he'll do that. 1.00
01:34:36.000 People will put it in the shape of a heart.
01:34:38.000 That'd be sweet. 0.99
01:34:38.000 It'd be way easier to get girls to suck on them. 0.99
01:34:42.000 I swear you'd keep your hard drive. 1.00
01:34:45.000 No, that's not true. 1.00
01:34:46.000 If there's an excuse to take your dick out. 1.00
01:34:47.000 If a girl who would suck on your balls will suck on your balls, period. 1.00
01:34:49.000 You definitely increase the odds of it happening. 1.00
01:34:50.000 If a girl won't suck on your balls, you really shouldn't be with her. 1.00
01:34:54.000 I don't like it. 1.00
01:34:55.000 I think it tickles.
01:34:56.000 You got problems.
01:34:57.000 It doesn't tickle you at all? 1.00
01:34:58.000 If a girl will suck on your balls. 1.00
01:35:01.000 My girlfriend loves it, but it tickles me. 1.00
01:35:03.000 That used to be Polly's move. 1.00
01:35:04.000 He would take it out.
01:35:04.000 She'll do anything.
01:35:06.000 Take his balls out? 1.00
01:35:06.000 He would just take a dick out. 1.00
01:35:08.000 Just his whole dick. 1.00
01:35:09.000 Yeah, and he would say, like, either they're going to do this or they're not. 1.00
01:35:11.000 We're going to find out right now.
01:35:13.000 Yeah, but I mean, girl, you're dating.
01:35:14.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
01:35:14.000 Girl, you're dating will suck your balls. 1.00
01:35:16.000 Some girls won't suck the balls. 1.00
01:35:17.000 They'll suck your dick. 1.00
01:35:18.000 Really? 1.00
01:35:19.000 But there's a line they won't cross.
01:35:20.000 There's girls who you can't come in their mouth. 1.00
01:35:22.000 That's a nice, huge, huge turnoff.
01:35:24.000 While I was married, Allie was walking by, and, um, and, uh, We were pretending. 0.99
01:35:29.000 I just have my balls out all the time. 0.97
01:35:30.000 At the store, just all the time. 1.00
01:35:32.000 Just have my dick and balls out. 1.00
01:35:33.000 And we're trying to convince this one girl to, like, no, it's totally normal. 1.00
01:35:37.000 They smell fine. 1.00
01:35:37.000 You should suck it. 1.00
01:35:38.000 Oh, I remember this. 1.00
01:35:39.000 And then Alan walked by and pretended, like, oh, really?
01:35:42.000 She pretended like she didn't know me.
01:35:44.000 And she was like, hey, what's going on?
01:35:45.000 She's like, do you know this guy?
01:35:47.000 He's like, no, what's happening?
01:35:47.000 I love the comedy store.
01:35:48.000 It's so fun here.
01:35:50.000 They were like, we're trying to explain.
01:35:51.000 Like, it's totally cool. 1.00
01:35:52.000 Just suck this guy's dick. 1.00
01:35:54.000 She's like, oh, yeah, what do you mean? 1.00
01:35:54.000 Yeah, I'll do it. 1.00
01:35:57.000 We're together.
01:35:58.000 So she starts blowing you in front of everybody. 0.84
01:35:59.000 So she was like, yeah, it's fine, whatever.
01:36:00.000 I'm going back inside.
01:36:01.000 And then she would just walk out. 0.99
01:36:03.000 I was going to try to convince this girl that it's totally normal.
01:36:05.000 Do you have this on tape?
01:36:06.000 Somewhere.
01:36:06.000 Oh, that's hilarious.
01:36:07.000 It was so weird.
01:36:08.000 And nobody got embarrassed for her.
01:36:09.000 I was like, yeah, she does this.
01:36:10.000 I'm with her.
01:36:10.000 Of course, she does this.
01:36:11.000 What did the girl say?
01:36:12.000 She was so confused by it.
01:36:14.000 She's like, what is happening?
01:36:15.000 That was really funny.
01:36:15.000 What kind of world is this?
01:36:17.000 That was awesome.
01:36:17.000 Wow.
01:36:18.000 Yeah, she was.
01:36:19.000 Wow, that's pretty crazy.
01:36:20.000 Now she's in the Jesus. 0.75
01:36:21.000 Is she really?
01:36:22.000 Oh, no.
01:36:24.000 Oh, no.
01:36:24.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:36:25.000 Your ex is into Jesus?
01:36:26.000 Yeah.
01:36:27.000 You need to have her on a skeptic tank. 1.00
01:36:28.000 Hold on, hold on, hold on.
01:36:29.000 When was the last time you talked to her?
01:36:30.000 We text sometimes.
01:36:31.000 Text.
01:36:32.000 What about in person?
01:36:34.000 It's been about a year and a half.
01:36:35.000 Wow.
01:36:36.000 In that time, she went to Jesus.
01:36:38.000 She went to Jesus, yeah.
01:36:38.000 How long ago did you break up?
01:36:39.000 Two years?
01:36:40.000 Three?
01:36:41.000 No.
01:36:41.000 Four?
01:36:42.000 Four?
01:36:42.000 Four or five?
01:36:43.000 No, it was post the store.
01:36:45.000 We just figured that out, right?
01:36:47.000 That it's been five years since I quit going to the store.
01:36:51.000 What, 2007?
01:36:52.000 2007, February.
01:36:54.000 Yeah, because when all that stuff happened, I had someone else.
01:36:58.000 That, I think we'd already broken up by that.
01:37:00.000 Wow, really?
01:37:01.000 Yeah, so it's like five years ago.
01:37:02.000 Okay.
01:37:03.000 So, a year and a half ago she got into Jesus?
01:37:06.000 Something like that.
01:37:06.000 Wow.
01:37:07.000 I'm not good with time.
01:37:08.000 Marijuana's definitely ruined that.
01:37:09.000 Is that a guy?
01:37:10.000 Time.
01:37:11.000 What?
01:37:11.000 You think it's a guy that's into Jesus?
01:37:13.000 No, no, no.
01:37:13.000 It's just like, you know, she didn't want to do whatever she was doing anymore.
01:37:16.000 People find the Jesus.
01:37:17.000 But then she started saying that she came to a sermon with me, and I'm like, stop it.
01:37:20.000 Whoa.
01:37:20.000 You know it's all I can do not to mock you.
01:37:22.000 But meanwhile, she's really intelligent.
01:37:25.000 That's what's weird.
01:37:26.000 She was a very intelligent person.
01:37:27.000 Super smart people like the Jesus all the time.
01:37:29.000 I don't quite get it.
01:37:30.000 You've got to get her on the skeptic.
01:37:31.000 Yeah, I will.
01:37:33.000 I'll get her on that.
01:37:34.000 There's a part of their...
01:37:35.000 They compartmentalize their logic.
01:37:37.000 That's what it is.
01:37:38.000 And the idea behind it is great.
01:37:40.000 The idea behind...
01:37:41.000 I mean, if it was real, goddammit, wouldn't it be beautiful?
01:37:44.000 Wouldn't it be beautiful if they're really...
01:37:45.000 And it is real, man!
01:37:47.000 I'll tell you what, you need to find Jesus!
01:37:48.000 If you found Jesus, you would know!
01:37:50.000 But they're not lying to you when they say that.
01:37:52.000 It's because if you really do believe...
01:37:54.000 You feel more fulfilled, I guess.
01:37:55.000 Then it's like, I'm happy for you if you're happy.
01:37:58.000 But like...
01:37:58.000 Well, she was...
01:37:59.000 God, in what?
01:38:00.000 She probably wasn't happy.
01:38:02.000 You know, a lot of girls who do like... 1.00
01:38:04.000 They get wild and they like blow guys at the comedy store in front of people.
01:38:08.000 Yeah.
01:38:08.000 Like that kind of behavior.
01:38:09.000 That kind of wild behavior.
01:38:11.000 That's fun if you're around people who think it's fun.
01:38:15.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:38:15.000 But if you're not and you get judged by enough people who don't think that shit is funny, and if you're the type of person who does wild shit and tries to be funny and tries to have a good time and is a little impulsive, people will fucking judge you to the point where you start to think that your morals are really questionable and you're a fucked up person. 1.00
01:38:35.000 You need to get your shit together. 0.99
01:38:36.000 And if you hear that enough and you don't have a support system behind you, you'll crack. 1.00
01:38:41.000 Maybe that's what it is.
01:38:42.000 She doesn't have you anymore. 0.99
01:38:43.000 I mean, think about it.
01:38:44.000 She's living with this guy.
01:38:45.000 I mean, you're my friend.
01:38:46.000 You're here and everything like that.
01:38:46.000 But you're a brilliant guy, okay?
01:38:48.000 You're very, very intelligent, very educated, very well-read.
01:38:51.000 And you're around her all the time, so you're having intelligent conversations with her.
01:38:56.000 And if people don't have that in their life, if all of a sudden they get cut off from that...
01:39:00.000 And everyone's just telling you, don't do this, don't do that. 1.00
01:39:02.000 And you're around morons. 1.00
01:39:03.000 And you're around a giant swarm of moron influence and moron information. 1.00
01:39:09.000 I was talking to those people in Minneapolis, and they were like, what would you rather have? 1.00
01:39:12.000 A... Virgin who's not good at sex or someone who's very good at sex but has had sex with a lot of people. 0.98
01:39:17.000 I'm like, definitely the one who's had sex with a lot of people. 0.98
01:39:19.000 What are you talking about? 0.95
01:39:20.000 But then you know she's had sex with people. 1.00
01:39:22.000 You're like, yeah, fine, that's fine. 1.00
01:39:23.000 Wake up, bitch. 1.00
01:39:25.000 What are you talking about? 1.00
01:39:25.000 Of course, who cares? 1.00
01:39:26.000 Weak ass. 1.00
01:39:27.000 Why do you care? 1.00
01:39:28.000 It's so silly. 0.98
01:39:29.000 As long as she's not all diseased up. 0.99
01:39:31.000 Oh, yeah.
01:39:31.000 As long as she's not got the heavy.
01:39:32.000 She's the virgin.
01:39:33.000 I'll teach her how to do it.
01:39:34.000 You like the virgin?
01:39:35.000 No way.
01:39:35.000 Teach her how to do stuff.
01:39:36.000 She's like, ew, I don't want you sweating on me. 0.98
01:39:39.000 Open up your spreadsheet.
01:39:41.000 That's all you need to do.
01:39:42.000 Ew, I feel bad.
01:39:43.000 Ew, I can't believe I gave it to you.
01:39:46.000 Ew.
01:39:48.000 Oh, they're gonna cry.
01:39:49.000 She can talk.
01:39:50.000 Alright, he didn't say that.
01:39:51.000 Oh, he didn't say that.
01:39:54.000 He's like a virgin alien.
01:39:55.000 That wasn't part of their deal! 1.00
01:39:57.000 Yeah, you definitely want to go with the slut. 1.00
01:39:59.000 But you don't want to go with the crying. 0.99
01:40:01.000 The problem with a girl who's had sex with a lot of people is a lot of times they feel bad about it.
01:40:05.000 Or they've done it because there's some underlying issue.
01:40:08.000 Anyone that's been around a little bit just seems like they're cool with sex.
01:40:12.000 Some of them. 0.99
01:40:13.000 We'll have sex when we feel like having sex. 1.00
01:40:14.000 Some of them. 1.00
01:40:15.000 Some of them, yes.
01:40:16.000 And I'm just saying, the occasional bomb, the occasional one out of ten that starts crying ruins all the rest of the fun girls.
01:40:23.000 Look at Wiza. 0.99
01:40:24.000 She hates sex. 1.00
01:40:25.000 She talks about how she hates having sex. 1.00
01:40:27.000 That's too bad because everybody wants to fuck her. 1.00
01:40:29.000 Why does she hate it? 1.00
01:40:30.000 I don't know.
01:40:31.000 She's just like, a minute and a half, I'm done.
01:40:32.000 I just want it to be over with. 0.99
01:40:34.000 She seems super uncomfortable about a lot of shit, though. 0.99
01:40:37.000 She's a strange girl. 1.00
01:40:38.000 She's super aggressive, real competitive, loves her dog, holds onto the dog. 1.00
01:40:43.000 She's really quick and aggressive. 1.00
01:40:46.000 I saw her at Sarah Tiana's birthday last night, and she didn't have her dog, so I'm looking around in her purse.
01:40:51.000 What was she wearing last night?
01:40:52.000 Regular clothes?
01:40:53.000 Yeah.
01:40:54.000 She changes and gets dressed down before she goes on stage. 0.98
01:40:57.000 That's how cool she is as a comic. 1.00
01:40:58.000 She doesn't want to get judged by anybody looking at her or anything like that.
01:41:00.000 She's hot! 1.00
01:41:01.000 She's got a great body. 1.00
01:41:02.000 She puts on a loose t-shirt and jeans and floppy jeans.
01:41:04.000 And then she goes back to the car, gets into nice clothes, attractive clothes, and then goes out with her girlfriends. 1.00
01:41:08.000 Sticks her ass out. 1.00
01:41:08.000 What's up? 1.00
01:41:09.000 I love sending her pictures of just random black dicks out of nowhere. 1.00
01:41:13.000 How does she react to that? 0.99
01:41:14.000 She loves it.
01:41:15.000 Yeah, you say she loves it.
01:41:16.000 She might be saving them up in a portfolio for when you start getting rich. 1.00
01:41:20.000 She's going to fucking sue you. 1.00
01:41:21.000 How about that? 1.00
01:41:24.000 Yeah, sure.
01:41:25.000 Could be, man.
01:41:27.000 I worry about that with any person I talk to.
01:41:29.000 It's not sexual harassment if you just do it to a person, right?
01:41:32.000 Yeah, I don't know, man. 1.00
01:41:33.000 Is this stupid, loopy-ass fucking day? 1.00
01:41:36.000 In comics to comics, I think you're safe doing that. 1.00
01:41:40.000 You would think, but I don't think it works that way, dude.
01:41:42.000 The employee handbook for the La Jolla Comedy Store said, like, you cannot say anything of a racial manner to another employee.
01:41:48.000 You cannot say anything of a sexual manner to another employee.
01:41:50.000 It's like all these rules, but it goes...
01:41:52.000 But then he goes, with that being said, you will hear from on stage some of the worst imaginable language from any human.
01:41:59.000 That doesn't matter.
01:42:00.000 You still can't act like that to other employees.
01:42:02.000 You'll hear horribly things saying, super racist, super sexist, like every night.
01:42:06.000 Isn't that funny?
01:42:07.000 Yeah.
01:42:07.000 If you work there and you're like a waiter and you try to be as funny as the comedians to your staff.
01:42:11.000 No, not while you got the t-shirt on.
01:42:12.000 Yeah, you'll go to jail.
01:42:13.000 Yeah.
01:42:14.000 They'll take everything.
01:42:15.000 Get a lawsuit.
01:42:16.000 They'll take everything, man. 1.00
01:42:18.000 Fuck you, CNN. Here's an article. 1.00
01:42:21.000 George Clooney still open to marriage. 1.00
01:42:23.000 Fuck you. 1.00
01:42:23.000 Still open to marriage? 1.00
01:42:24.000 Do you hear what happened today in West Hollywood?
01:42:26.000 What?
01:42:27.000 This guy started...
01:42:28.000 This is what I heard on the way here, so I don't know what the full story is, but this guy started walking around these houses and kicking people's doors in and yelling, and then he kicked somebody's door down and then caught the house on fire and shot three people.
01:42:42.000 What?!
01:42:43.000 Yeah, like two 38-year-old women and a 34-year-old guy.
01:42:47.000 Whoa, today?
01:42:48.000 Okay, explain that again.
01:42:49.000 What happened?
01:42:49.000 He kicked somebody's door down.
01:42:51.000 He started kicking people's door down somewhere near Melrose. 0.99
01:42:55.000 And then he just started fucking shooting people and then caught some house on fire. 0.99
01:42:58.000 Wow. 1.00
01:42:59.000 Yeah.
01:43:00.000 But they were still figuring it out while I was driving here.
01:43:03.000 Wow.
01:43:04.000 Like, oh, we don't know what's going on.
01:43:05.000 Wow.
01:43:06.000 That guy in Utah lit his kids on fire. 0.93
01:43:08.000 No, he killed him with a hatchet and then blew the house up. 0.87
01:43:12.000 And then lit it on fire. 0.97
01:43:13.000 And then blew the house up.
01:43:14.000 Why do I feel better about that?
01:43:16.000 It's horrific.
01:43:18.000 I thought he just lit it all on fire to have to burn it up.
01:43:20.000 No, it's terrible.
01:43:21.000 What he did was the social worker came that was supposed to babysit him while he was with the kids.
01:43:27.000 He was supposed to be there.
01:43:27.000 He's not supposed to have...
01:43:28.000 And they ran into the house. 0.97
01:43:29.000 He grabs them, pulls them in, pushes the guy out, kills the kids with a hammer.
01:43:33.000 The guy opens the door.
01:43:33.000 door he smells gas and then the uh the guy who kills the kids with a hatchet rather it blows up the house and kills all of them because if he can't have no one can i don't know what the reason i think he lost custody he killed the wife he killed he had killed the wife yeah he killed the wife and he was under suspicion of it and while he was under suspicion they found uh pornography questionable pornography on his computer questionable I heard what it was was child porn.
01:43:56.000 That just proves he didn't love his wife because he had porn? 0.88
01:43:58.000 It was child porn, but it was animated. 1.00
01:44:01.000 It was animated child porn. 0.99
01:44:02.000 Animated child porn? 1.00
01:44:03.000 That's so weird. 0.97
01:44:04.000 I didn't even think they had that.
01:44:05.000 This is, by the way, third-hand information.
01:44:11.000 Do you know that Jerry Sandusky was trying to gain the right to go onto his back porch?
01:44:16.000 Oh, he was going on his back porch.
01:44:17.000 Yeah, and while he was there, he was looking at...
01:44:20.000 An elementary school.
01:44:21.000 An elementary school.
01:44:22.000 And you're like, what?
01:44:23.000 That's where he lives?
01:44:24.000 Yeah.
01:44:25.000 So he can look at an elementary school?
01:44:26.000 That wasn't even part of the beginning part of the story?
01:44:28.000 Right. 0.99
01:44:28.000 He's a monster. 0.99
01:44:30.000 That guy's a fucking monster. 1.00
01:44:31.000 He wants a chance to see his grandkids so he can have one more before he goes away. 1.00
01:44:35.000 It's so crazy that that guy got as far as he got.
01:44:37.000 One more taste. 1.00
01:44:38.000 When you hear him talk about it, it's scary as fuck. 0.99
01:44:41.000 Just the way he talked about it. 0.99
01:44:42.000 Are you attracted to children?
01:44:47.000 Am I attracted to children?
01:44:49.000 That's how he answered it.
01:44:50.000 He didn't say, No!
01:44:52.000 No, no, stop.
01:44:53.000 No, no, of course not.
01:44:56.000 What?
01:44:56.000 I think he might be struggling with it really hard.
01:44:59.000 Oh, God.
01:45:00.000 Well, they say that almost everybody that is in that sort of a situation got molested when they were young.
01:45:06.000 Yeah.
01:45:06.000 That's how those people reproduce.
01:45:08.000 Isn't it nuts?
01:45:09.000 That's their method of reproduction. 1.00
01:45:10.000 What a fucking crazy thing. 1.00
01:45:12.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:45:12.000 Isn't it nuts that you can imprint that into a child's mind? 1.00
01:45:15.000 Yeah.
01:45:15.000 I mean, I don't think it's 100%.
01:45:16.000 That's how you ensure the species moves on.
01:45:18.000 There's a lot of people that get molested that don't wind up doing that.
01:45:20.000 It's like people who are around when their father beats their mother.
01:45:24.000 Some people, they grow up to beat their wife as well. 0.81
01:45:27.000 It becomes, or if your parents beat you, you beat your kids.
01:45:31.000 And some of them, it's the opposite way.
01:45:33.000 They're like, there's no way I'd ever hit my kids.
01:45:34.000 I think it just depends if you like it.
01:45:36.000 When I got molested by that babysitter, she was hot, and I loved it. 1.00
01:45:40.000 That's totally different.
01:45:40.000 You were like, how old were you?
01:45:42.000 Like 10 or 11. And she was a chick and she was pretty? 1.00
01:45:45.000 Yeah.
01:45:45.000 That was fun for me.
01:45:47.000 There's such a difference between a guy doing that to a little kid and a girl doing that to a little kid.
01:45:52.000 Right.
01:45:53.000 I don't want some chick blowing my kids. 1.00
01:45:55.000 I wouldn't want to come home and some fucking hot chick is blowing a 10-year-old boy. 1.00
01:45:59.000 You know, I wouldn't want to see that. 1.00
01:46:01.000 That would be fucked up, and you would have to call the cops and everything, but man, it would be... 0.98
01:46:05.000 The only thing that would be traumatic is the poor guy would probably be in love with her. 0.99
01:46:08.000 You know, when you hear like a young...
01:46:10.000 She's my favorite babysitter.
01:46:11.000 Yeah.
01:46:12.000 Why can't you hire her anymore? 1.00
01:46:13.000 She was so much more fun than the other ones.
01:46:15.000 Yeah, I'm friends with her on Facebook because I hunted her down.
01:46:17.000 I wanted to marry her.
01:46:19.000 Now she's way older than you. 0.99
01:46:20.000 She's still hot, dude. 1.00
01:46:21.000 Really?
01:46:22.000 Put up a link, dog.
01:46:24.000 No, no, no.
01:46:25.000 Just show me a picture on your phone.
01:46:26.000 Don't show it to the camera.
01:46:27.000 Listen, just tweet it.
01:46:28.000 No one's going to care.
01:46:29.000 No, absolutely do not tweet it.
01:46:31.000 Look, people on Twitter are really cool.
01:46:32.000 You can tweet it just a picture, but don't tweet her name.
01:46:34.000 No, I can't even do that. 0.99
01:46:35.000 Tweet the shit out of the poker. 0.99
01:46:36.000 This show's too big nowadays. 1.00
01:46:37.000 Tweet the shit out of that bitch. 1.00
01:46:38.000 What's her name? 1.00
01:46:39.000 I'm not saying. 0.99
01:46:41.000 I almost fucking said it, too. 0.98
01:46:43.000 That was a great... 0.99
01:46:44.000 It sounded reasonable, too, and it came out of your mouth.
01:46:46.000 I was like, yeah, I was like, oh, wait, no, that's all of it.
01:46:48.000 Just say your first and last name.
01:46:49.000 Really good at convincing people.
01:46:52.000 Okay, okay, what's your name?
01:46:53.000 It's the host of Fear Factor.
01:46:54.000 You're like, it's way worse.
01:46:55.000 Which, by the way, is canceled forever.
01:46:57.000 No, it got canceled again?
01:46:58.000 It's over.
01:46:58.000 For real?
01:46:59.000 It's over, folks.
01:47:00.000 Sorry. 0.97
01:47:01.000 That sucks.
01:47:02.000 I'm sorry, man.
01:47:03.000 It's okay.
01:47:03.000 It's good.
01:47:04.000 So it's 100% now. 0.99
01:47:06.000 It's too whore-like. 1.00
01:47:07.000 I enjoyed the money. 0.96
01:47:08.000 Thank you very much.
01:47:09.000 I enjoyed the time.
01:47:09.000 I enjoyed hanging out with all the Fear Factor people.
01:47:11.000 There's a fucking awesome group of people, but I'd rather do my own thing, even though it was great money. 0.90
01:47:15.000 I'm not hurting for money. 0.96
01:47:16.000 I'm all right.
01:47:17.000 That's the only thing I feel bad for you for.
01:47:18.000 Yeah, it was fun money.
01:47:20.000 It was good, but the reality is I enjoy working for the UFC and doing comedy a hundred times more.
01:47:27.000 It was okay to do.
01:47:28.000 It was fun.
01:47:29.000 It was fun to be back with all the people.
01:47:31.000 I loved all the people and worked with them again, but...
01:47:33.000 The difference between the enjoyment you get of doing something that you really love doing and the enjoyment, it's still a badass job. 1.00
01:47:40.000 As far as jobs go, it's the fucking shit. 1.00
01:47:43.000 I would never complain about it. 1.00
01:47:44.000 I have in the past and it sounds really douchey.
01:47:46.000 That's a problem.
01:47:47.000 No one can really understand that.
01:47:48.000 No one can really understand that you get complacent with it like you start expecting that kind of money once you get it.
01:47:53.000 It was fun because the people that I worked with were fun.
01:47:55.000 And the cast, the contestants this year were awesome.
01:47:58.000 There was a lot of great contestants. 0.88
01:48:00.000 A lot of really fucking funny people. 1.00
01:48:02.000 Really crazy people. 1.00
01:48:03.000 But it is what it is.
01:48:04.000 And it's over.
01:48:05.000 The end.
01:48:07.000 I can't believe that.
01:48:08.000 It was hard for them to get advertisers for it.
01:48:09.000 Oh, really?
01:48:10.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:48:10.000 Damn, you should have aired that donkey one. 0.99
01:48:12.000 Yeah, I got it on my phone. 1.00
01:48:14.000 Nice.
01:48:15.000 What is that?
01:48:16.000 That's the girl. 0.98
01:48:18.000 Oh, that's her?
01:48:18.000 That's your former babysitter?
01:48:20.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:48:20.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
01:48:21.000 Let me see her. 1.00
01:48:22.000 I won't show anybody.
01:48:22.000 She also does karate.
01:48:23.000 Some dude, she's wearing sunglasses indoors. 0.91
01:48:26.000 She also does karate.
01:48:27.000 She does karate? 1.00
01:48:28.000 Yeah.
01:48:28.000 Oh, that's her now?
01:48:30.000 Yeah.
01:48:30.000 Yeah, that's not bad.
01:48:31.000 That's what I'm saying.
01:48:31.000 That's not bad.
01:48:32.000 Where'd she live? 0.78
01:48:32.000 Living thin. 0.78
01:48:33.000 What's the...
01:48:34.000 You know, I don't even want to say it.
01:48:35.000 Midwestern?
01:48:36.000 Yeah.
01:48:36.000 Midwestern, yeah.
01:48:37.000 If you catch that in the Midwest, that's totally fine. 0.71
01:48:39.000 You're like, yeah, that's great.
01:48:42.000 She's like a black belt in karate or something like that. 0.65
01:48:44.000 Nice. 1.00
01:48:45.000 You should kick your ass and suck your dick. 1.00
01:48:47.000 She has a nice family now. 1.00
01:48:49.000 Yeah?
01:48:49.000 She's got kids?
01:48:51.000 Yeah.
01:48:51.000 You haven't heard my bit.
01:48:53.000 No.
01:48:54.000 Do you have a bit about it?
01:48:55.000 Yeah, because I'll see you Friday night at the Ice House in Pasadena.
01:48:59.000 What time's the show?
01:49:00.000 Show's at 10 o'clock and go to icehousecomedy.com.
01:49:02.000 Are you going?
01:49:03.000 I'm going to be there.
01:49:03.000 Yes!
01:49:04.000 Shafir's in the house! 0.94
01:49:06.000 I think Moshe's going to be there.
01:49:08.000 Moshe Kasher.
01:49:08.000 Yeah, and Doug Pound, DJ Doug Pound from Tim and Eric.
01:49:11.000 I'm going to try to get Arch Barker to come down as well because he just said that he's there Friday night until Monday afternoon.
01:49:16.000 Maybe I'll get him to come early and we'll do a podcast with him before the Ice House.
01:49:20.000 Awesome.
01:49:20.000 What's up?
01:49:21.000 Oh yeah, smart.
01:49:22.000 How long is he here from Australia?
01:49:23.000 Till Monday.
01:49:24.000 He said till Monday.
01:49:25.000 And Ice House Chronicles, what we do is, the Ice House shows are some of my favorite shows ever.
01:49:30.000 The stand-up shows and the podcast shows.
01:49:33.000 We have a studio in the Ice House in Pasadena.
01:49:36.000 It's a separate room.
01:49:38.000 And what we do is we start the show and we start a podcast just a little bit before the show.
01:49:42.000 And then people just run back, do a set, and then come back and hang out. 0.99
01:49:47.000 It's a fucking best hangout. 0.98
01:49:48.000 It's so fun. 1.00
01:49:51.000 The last one, I got so fucking high from that weed. 0.98
01:49:54.000 Oh, that weed's awesome. 0.95
01:49:56.000 I was shaking, and then Brody was supposed to be on in front of me.
01:49:59.000 He's like, I can't, Brody's like, I can't go up.
01:50:01.000 And I'm like, either can I? And I'm like, I've never been to Stone before.
01:50:04.000 And I had to go up.
01:50:05.000 I was forced to go up on stage.
01:50:07.000 I had the best set I've ever had in my life.
01:50:09.000 Oh, you can go up totally high if you know your interior.
01:50:11.000 It worked.
01:50:11.000 It worked.
01:50:12.000 Are you sure?
01:50:12.000 Or was it like that time in Facts of Life?
01:50:15.000 No.
01:50:16.000 She wrote, had this right to support, and she kept professing, and then she got high and wrote it, and she was like, that's so long.
01:50:20.000 I wrote it.
01:50:21.000 It was definitely the best set I've ever had.
01:50:22.000 But the next morning, it was a terrible report.
01:50:23.000 You take bad Facts of Life.
01:50:25.000 It wasn't Jill.
01:50:25.000 Who was the rich girl?
01:50:26.000 Not Foodie.
01:50:27.000 Blair?
01:50:28.000 Blair, yeah, yeah, it was Blair.
01:50:29.000 Blair was kind of hot but a little chubby. 1.00
01:50:30.000 And it was like three words per page.
01:50:31.000 She was a little chubby but hot. 1.00
01:50:33.000 She had to fight it.
01:50:33.000 I'm sure they had network heads going, listen, you need you to eat less right now.
01:50:37.000 But she was a good kisser. 1.00
01:50:39.000 Probably.
01:50:40.000 She kissed you like you were ice cream. 1.00
01:50:43.000 I gotta watch that show again with them in mind as just young, young women in a boarding house. 1.00
01:50:48.000 And how much were they fucking on the side? 0.99
01:50:50.000 Probably a bunch. 0.99
01:50:51.000 It's probably hard for a woman who's in a position like that where they become super, super successful. 1.00
01:50:56.000 It's probably hard for them to find mates. 0.99
01:50:58.000 If a woman is making a ton of money, like a Jennifer Aniston type woman, she's dating some regular dude now, right? 1.00
01:51:04.000 Isn't she dating some regular guy? 0.54
01:51:06.000 It's hard to get someone to look at you as a regular person.
01:51:08.000 That takes a long time.
01:51:09.000 Well, not only that, man, I think for women, it's like a normal thing for the man to be more successful than the woman.
01:51:15.000 And when the woman is like way more successful than the man, I think it gets sketchy. 0.99
01:51:19.000 Yeah.
01:51:19.000 You know?
01:51:20.000 I was in some waiting room at some dentist or something, and I saw a magazine with the one hot chick from, or not the one hot chick, but from the Desperate Housewives.
01:51:29.000 The one who used to be on Superman.
01:51:31.000 Lois and Superman.
01:51:32.000 Oh, the fake.
01:51:33.000 Eva?
01:51:33.000 Eva.
01:51:34.000 Not even Longoria.
01:51:35.000 The one who's just slightly less hot than even Longoria.
01:51:37.000 Oh.
01:51:38.000 Terri Hatcher.
01:51:42.000 Terri Hatcher.
01:51:43.000 Yeah, and she said... 0.99
01:51:44.000 Terri Hatcher.
01:51:44.000 Terri Hatcher.
01:51:45.000 Who's way hotter.
01:51:46.000 We ended up getting it. 1.00
01:51:47.000 Terri Hatcher would be a shit if they just put her in one of those shows. 1.00
01:51:50.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:51:51.000 But she said from now on she's never going to let herself pay for a date.
01:51:54.000 She still expects everyone to pay. 0.99
01:51:56.000 Really?
01:51:57.000 Yeah, because that's how it works.
01:51:59.000 What?
01:51:59.000 I don't know.
01:52:00.000 That's ridiculous. 0.89
01:52:01.000 She's worth like $100 million. 1.00
01:52:02.000 Yeah, I'm like, what do you mean you have so much more money to make?
01:52:03.000 Just pay for it.
01:52:04.000 Yeah, no, Ari.
01:52:06.000 You have to pay for it. 1.00
01:52:07.000 You have to buy her dinner and then beg her for sex. 1.00
01:52:11.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:52:12.000 And then, you know what?
01:52:13.000 She's probably not into you anyway, so... 0.99
01:52:15.000 Probably not.
01:52:16.000 Yeah, you'd have to be like some Brad Pitt type dude to stimulate a woman like that. 0.62
01:52:21.000 Oh, yeah.
01:52:21.000 You'd have to be like someone even more famous than her, or even more powerful than her.
01:52:25.000 I mean, I would think.
01:52:26.000 You would say no. 1.00
01:52:27.000 I mean, people would say, you're fucking ridiculous. 1.00
01:52:29.000 Your point of view is stupid. 1.00
01:52:31.000 It's asinine. 1.00
01:52:32.000 There is a certain chimpanzee logic to it. 0.99
01:52:33.000 Yeah, they want someone to do that to them.
01:52:35.000 They want an alpha.
01:52:36.000 Sometimes, some people.
01:52:38.000 Even the ones that don't, man.
01:52:39.000 How long do these last?
01:52:40.000 Like our friend, for instance, who will remain nameless, who recently left his girl, who will also remain nameless, and he was in the beta position during the entire relationship.
01:52:49.000 I knew. 0.99
01:52:50.000 I'm like, this shit ain't going to work. 1.00
01:52:52.000 How the fuck is this going to work? 1.00
01:52:53.000 Women like that always complain that the dude doesn't have any money. 1.00
01:52:56.000 But the other ones don't work either.
01:52:57.000 Those ones were better.
01:52:58.000 All of his other relationships, when he was the alpha, it doesn't work either.
01:53:01.000 When was he ever the alpha?
01:53:01.000 I don't know.
01:53:02.000 Yeah, what are you talking about?
01:53:03.000 I don't know.
01:53:03.000 How dare you.
01:53:04.000 I've never seen that turn around. 1.00
01:53:06.000 How dare you make shit up? 0.99
01:53:07.000 I don't know. 1.00
01:53:08.000 That's a good point.
01:53:09.000 Anyway, go to JoeRogan.net.
01:53:11.000 Check out the information for all the upcoming shows.
01:53:13.000 The January or March 2nd through 4th.
01:53:17.000 Are you in town?
01:53:19.000 March, yeah.
01:53:20.000 Yeah, are you?
01:53:20.000 First weekend?
01:53:21.000 Uh-huh.
01:53:21.000 Powerful R. Shafir will be with me at Brea, California.
01:53:24.000 Oh, great.
01:53:25.000 Yeah, I'll totally do that.
01:53:26.000 Powerful Bray, Ari Shafir.
01:53:28.000 There you go, folks.
01:53:29.000 You saw that?
01:53:29.000 It was booked on the spot.
01:53:31.000 That's how we do the April 13th through 15th.
01:53:36.000 I'm at the Hollywood Florida Improv. 1.00
01:53:39.000 Oh, shit! 0.99
01:53:40.000 Very nice. 1.00
01:53:41.000 That's the hard rock down there. 0.90
01:53:42.000 Crazy one.
01:53:43.000 420, Atlanta, Georgia.
01:53:45.000 That's the Tabernacle.
01:53:47.000 Tickets go on sale tomorrow.
01:53:48.000 And then May 4th, New York City.
01:53:50.000 What is it?
01:53:51.000 Manhattan Theater.
01:53:53.000 Manhattan Theater?
01:53:54.000 You sure that's it?
01:53:54.000 Something like that, yeah.
01:53:56.000 And I'm in Alberta.
01:53:57.000 Calgary.
01:53:57.000 Remember that place we did in Calgary?
01:53:59.000 We had to have extra seats on stage.
01:54:01.000 Yeah, we had a break.
01:54:02.000 It was great.
01:54:02.000 That was awesome.
01:54:03.000 We need to play Japan while we're there.
01:54:04.000 There's a comedy store in there in Japan or something like that.
01:54:06.000 I want to just go hang out.
01:54:07.000 If you want to go to the comedy store, we'll go and...
01:54:09.000 Isn't there one?
01:54:10.000 Like a comedy store?
01:54:11.000 A comedy something.
01:54:12.000 Something like that.
01:54:12.000 We'll find it.
01:54:13.000 Brazil was fun just to hang out.
01:54:14.000 Yeah, we had a good time.
01:54:15.000 Ari and I, we had some real Brazilian chuhascaria. 0.99
01:54:19.000 How good was that fucking meat? 0.99
01:54:20.000 It was so good. 1.00
01:54:21.000 We went back.
01:54:21.000 We went back two days in a row like that.
01:54:23.000 It was so good.
01:54:24.000 So many different flavors, too.
01:54:25.000 Dude, Rio is amazing.
01:54:27.000 That's why I got in this coconut water.
01:54:28.000 I was just walking on the beach and they sell those coconuts for two or three L's or whatever and they just chop it open and give you a straw.
01:54:34.000 You know, they sell that here in Los Angeles as fruit stands.
01:54:37.000 Oh, really?
01:54:37.000 You're a Mexican with a fruit stand.
01:54:38.000 They have coconuts in there and they just chop it up and give you a straw.
01:54:41.000 It's so nice.
01:54:41.000 Joey Diaz taught me about that.
01:54:43.000 By the way, me and Joey Diaz are in Columbus, Ohio.
01:54:45.000 Oh, when are you doing that?
01:54:47.000 I think it's the weekend, Yeah, they asked for me and Joey.
01:54:51.000 That's awesome.
01:54:51.000 That's awesome.
01:54:52.000 Isn't that crazy?
01:54:52.000 That's awesome.
01:54:53.000 Perfect.
01:54:53.000 First time ever on the road.
01:54:54.000 Yeah.
01:54:55.000 May 19th?
01:54:55.000 Yeah.
01:54:55.000 Something like that.
01:54:56.000 Count your tickets.
01:54:57.000 You know what I'm saying?
01:54:58.000 Count your tickets.
01:54:59.000 Dude, that guy. 1.00
01:54:59.000 You know this fucking guy. 1.00
01:55:00.000 I'm just going to make some posters. 1.00
01:55:02.000 I'm going to bring a Death Squad poster.
01:55:04.000 Who has booked this?
01:55:05.000 Did Joey book it?
01:55:06.000 Joey booked it.
01:55:07.000 Some woman came up to him and said she wanted to book me and Joey. 1.00
01:55:10.000 That's awesome.
01:55:11.000 That's great.
01:55:12.000 At the same club, the Funny Bone?
01:55:14.000 Funny Bone, and then we're trying to do...
01:55:16.000 We're also doing maybe Scully's on Ohio State campus, or we might do Cleveland. 1.00
01:55:21.000 The Funny Bone is the shit. 0.99
01:55:23.000 Yeah, Cleveland's good. 1.00
01:55:24.000 Skip over and do the improv in Cleveland. 0.99
01:55:25.000 The Funny Bone in Columbia is an awesome fucking club. 0.98
01:55:28.000 It's one of the great clubs in the country as far as how it's low and tight. 0.99
01:55:32.000 Yeah, it is, low ceilings. 1.00
01:55:33.000 Yeah, that's a great fucking place. 0.99
01:55:35.000 All right, so that's all that information. 0.99
01:55:37.000 Higherprimate.com.
01:55:38.000 Can I have some dates? 0.99
01:55:39.000 Fuck yeah, what do you got? 0.99
01:55:40.000 Well, on March 15th, I'm doing Easton, Maryland at the Avalon Theater. 0.98
01:55:44.000 Do you have a website where everybody can see all your dates if they don't remember this?
01:55:48.000 AriTheGreat.com.
01:55:49.000 Boom! 0.99
01:55:50.000 You can remember that.
01:55:51.000 AriTheGreat.com.
01:55:51.000 They're all up there right now.
01:55:53.000 Ari Shaffir on Twitter.
01:55:53.000 A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R on Twitter.
01:55:57.000 I'll be in Addison on April 12th to the 15th at the Addison Improv.
01:56:02.000 The Improvs will finally let me headline.
01:56:04.000 That's awesome, dude.
01:56:05.000 Addison, Texan. 1.00
01:56:06.000 This is the shit! 1.00
01:56:07.000 Addison apparently was the one city in Dallas back in the olden days where you could drink. 1.00
01:56:14.000 That's why it's wild.
01:56:15.000 Really?
01:56:16.000 In Prohibition, you could still drink there?
01:56:18.000 Well, not during Prohibition.
01:56:19.000 They used to have weird laws about the city of Dallas, but Addison was where you could go to drink and smoke.
01:56:25.000 I think you might still be able to smoke in the club.
01:56:27.000 It might be one of the last places.
01:56:29.000 Maybe they changed that.
01:56:30.000 I hope they didn't.
01:56:31.000 Even though I hate cigarettes, I also like personal freedom.
01:56:35.000 Yeah, that's a problem.
01:56:37.000 That's the one where it infringes on other people. 0.97
01:56:38.000 Yeah, it's stinky.
01:56:40.000 Well, the real issue is for people who work there. 0.96
01:56:42.000 It's stinky. 0.94
01:56:43.000 But it's also, there's something about girls that smoke. 1.00
01:56:46.000 They're sluttier. 0.99
01:56:47.000 Yeah, you just know that they make decisions that don't matter. 1.00
01:56:51.000 Yeah, they're crazy bitches. 1.00
01:56:52.000 They're great. 1.00
01:56:53.000 They're throwing cigarettes out the window, and they're not even thinking about where it goes.
01:56:55.000 I love girls. 0.98
01:56:56.000 It's a sign. 1.00
01:56:57.000 They're shoving a dick down their mouth. 1.00
01:56:59.000 The loads go off. 1.00
01:56:59.000 They're not thinking about what's going in there. 1.00
01:57:01.000 They're not thinking about that stinky dick. 0.99
01:57:03.000 Obviously not 100% of the time, but it helps your odds. 0.99
01:57:06.000 It increases the odds of finding a where.
01:57:08.000 Substantially.
01:57:09.000 You see a girl with red nail polish, and she's chewing gum. 0.91
01:57:12.000 And she spits her gum out into the bushes and then lights a cigarette. 1.00
01:57:16.000 That girl might suck her dick. 1.00
01:57:18.000 And you're like, hey, so what are we doing later? 1.00
01:57:19.000 Yeah, that girl might be crazy. 1.00
01:57:20.000 She's not thinking about shit. 1.00
01:57:22.000 She's just living for momentary little blips of thrills. 0.99
01:57:28.000 If you're interested in coming to the Ice House, go to, what is it?
01:57:32.000 Icehousecomedy.com and search for Joe Rogan or Death Squad.
01:57:36.000 Yeah, stage two.
01:57:37.000 Look for stage two.
01:57:38.000 Because that's what we're doing.
01:57:39.000 And Matt and Mark, we're going to do a fuckload of dates there.
01:57:42.000 Because I'm going to be around most of March.
01:57:44.000 You think you're all Mr. Fear Factor?
01:57:46.000 You think you're all Fear Factor?
01:57:48.000 I forgot about that girl. 0.76
01:57:49.000 That girl in Boston, that monster. 1.00
01:57:52.000 You're going to tell your friends. 0.82
01:57:55.000 She was having something with our friend.
01:57:58.000 That accent is just so bad. 0.94
01:58:00.000 And while they were doing it, she was going, You're going to tell your friends.
01:58:03.000 That's right.
01:58:04.000 You're going to tell your friends.
01:58:05.000 No one's going to know about this.
01:58:07.000 Yeah, he told us.
01:58:08.000 It's because it was gross.
01:58:10.000 He told us the opposite.
01:58:12.000 Not like he was a stud.
01:58:13.000 Not bragging him.
01:58:14.000 He told us how sad it was.
01:58:15.000 Here he is, sobering up while he's half-hard inside of her.
01:58:19.000 And she's going, you're going to tell your friends.
01:58:22.000 Oh, no.
01:58:26.000 I saw a girl walk across that old, what was that old room that they don't have anymore? 0.92
01:58:30.000 Connection?
01:58:31.000 Yeah, comedy connection.
01:58:32.000 And she was super hot. 1.00
01:58:32.000 Walked all the way across the room, like outside there. 1.00
01:58:35.000 And I was like, and she's looking right at me.
01:58:37.000 And she just comes over.
01:58:38.000 She was going to the bathroom, but she stopped and came to me. 1.00
01:58:39.000 She goes, you're a wicked pissy funny or whatever crap. 1.00
01:58:43.000 I'm like, ugh. 1.00
01:58:44.000 You're a wicked pisser. 0.99
01:58:46.000 Wicked pisser funny. 1.00
01:58:48.000 Killed it all. 0.99
01:58:49.000 You just teach her how to talk different.
01:58:51.000 She'd be fine.
01:58:51.000 Yeah, sure.
01:58:52.000 You think you can do that though?
01:58:53.000 I couldn't have the patience to do that.
01:58:54.000 You know, that girl I used to date from Texas, Jessica, she would have the thickest, when I first met her, the thickest accent. 0.99
01:59:02.000 It was just like, aw, y'all.
01:59:03.000 It sounded like she was a hillbilly. 1.00
01:59:05.000 Then she moved to LA, completely lost it.
01:59:08.000 And then moved back, completely got it again.
01:59:10.000 I bet when she went home to visit, it came back a little stronger, right?
01:59:12.000 Yeah, it did.
01:59:13.000 I would have asked her to keep it.
01:59:14.000 I love that accent.
01:59:15.000 Texas accent's my favorite.
01:59:17.000 Those are real women. 1.00
01:59:18.000 Those are women. 1.00
01:59:19.000 You know what I mean?
01:59:20.000 They want to be women. 1.00
01:59:21.000 They don't want to be president. 1.00
01:59:22.000 They don't want to be running shit. 1.00
01:59:23.000 They like being women. 1.00
01:59:24.000 The manlier areas where the men are manly, who's manlier than Texas dudes? 1.00
01:59:29.000 It's like big belt buckles and fucking trucks. 1.00
01:59:32.000 Those are the womanly women. 1.00
01:59:33.000 You know, whereas you get to San Francisco, you get chicks that want to fucking stuff a Birkenstock up your ass and scream at you because, you know, you don't want to give them the right to choose. 1.00
01:59:42.000 Obviously, these are generalizations, folks. 0.99
01:59:44.000 We're just talking here.
01:59:47.000 It's impossible for girls in Texas to even roll their eyes. 1.00
01:59:50.000 Really?
01:59:51.000 Why?
01:59:51.000 They're just so, like, laid back?
01:59:52.000 They're not allowed.
01:59:54.000 Go to higherprimate.com if you're interested in monkeys and weed and psychedelics.
01:59:59.000 That's my t-shirt line.
02:00:00.000 Brian's reminding me.
02:00:01.000 He's right.
02:00:02.000 You need sales, too.
02:00:03.000 You never have sales or coupons for that.
02:00:05.000 Okay, I'll get a coupon.
02:00:06.000 Yeah, you should have a sale.
02:00:07.000 Old stuff that you're not going to sell much anymore.
02:00:10.000 People keep on asking me.
02:00:11.000 I need to make a coupon code.
02:00:12.000 But you know what bands do?
02:00:13.000 This is my new thing.
02:00:14.000 I think you should do it.
02:00:15.000 A t-shirt of the year.
02:00:17.000 Every year.
02:00:17.000 Some new design.
02:00:18.000 Oh, that's a good idea.
02:00:19.000 You know, because they have the old last year's t-shirt, it's 50% off.
02:00:22.000 You know what we should do?
02:00:23.000 We should do a Joe Rogan Experience podcast t-shirt by this dude.
02:00:26.000 Which dude? 0.99
02:00:27.000 Worldwide Sweatpants, whatever the fuck his name is. 0.99
02:00:29.000 Mike Maxwell? 0.99
02:00:29.000 Formal Sweatpants? 0.99
02:00:30.000 Formal Sweatpants.
02:00:31.000 That's Formal Sweatpants.
02:00:32.000 That's not Mike Maxwell.
02:00:33.000 But Maxwell did a great job with the Chicago posters, too.
02:00:35.000 Yeah, have this guy do a t-shirt, but that's your 2012 t-shirt.
02:00:39.000 Yeah, it's not a bad idea.
02:00:40.000 What should it be on it?
02:00:42.000 The Death Squad Cat?
02:00:43.000 I'm tired of that cat, bro.
02:00:45.000 Especially when you changed him. 1.00
02:00:46.000 You changed him just to fuck Monkey Todd over. 1.00
02:00:50.000 I know what you did. 0.99
02:00:52.000 All those guys that have that tattoo.
02:00:54.000 It's a marketing move.
02:00:55.000 That's why.
02:00:56.000 That guy said, hey, I'm going to get a tattoo.
02:00:58.000 I'm like, don't do that. 0.96
02:00:59.000 Don't fucking build heroes out of nowhere. 0.96
02:01:02.000 Well, it's cool. 0.99
02:01:02.000 It's like the old Marvel logo. 0.99
02:01:04.000 It's kind of even hipper.
02:01:05.000 The old cat.
02:01:06.000 Exactly.
02:01:07.000 It's a marketing move.
02:01:08.000 It's a good move.
02:01:09.000 We started this new drink at the comedy store. 0.96
02:01:11.000 It's called Suck My Cock? 0.99
02:01:12.000 No, it's delicious. 0.95
02:01:14.000 It's a Shirley Temple with cherry rum.
02:01:19.000 Oh, what is it?
02:01:20.000 It's a Shirley Temple with cherry rum in it.
02:01:22.000 And so at first we called it Shirley's Period.
02:01:25.000 But then we thought that just wouldn't catch on enough.
02:01:27.000 So we called it Temple of Doom.
02:01:29.000 Way easier off the tongue.
02:01:30.000 Yeah, exactly.
02:01:31.000 So now it's just going to be, hey, you know what they originally called this?
02:01:34.000 Oh, right.
02:01:35.000 It's going to be part of the folklore.
02:01:36.000 And so that's a drink that they sell at the store now?
02:01:38.000 Yeah, we invented it, yeah.
02:01:40.000 Oh, that's cool.
02:01:41.000 Only the front bar would know about it, and I guess the back bar. 0.97
02:01:43.000 Well, if you order it, though, someone could ask someone.
02:01:46.000 If you're there, if you're working, they could order it.
02:01:50.000 Anytime the front bar is open, they all know now.
02:01:52.000 Everybody knows now. 1.00
02:01:53.000 You invented a fucking drink. 1.00
02:01:54.000 Do you get a copyright on that already? 1.00
02:01:55.000 No, just some satisfaction.
02:01:57.000 I hope that takes off.
02:01:58.000 That'd be badass if we were in Vegas a couple years from now.
02:02:00.000 We ordered Temple of Dooms and everybody knew what it was.
02:02:02.000 It's so delicious. 1.00
02:02:04.000 Right before you had gay sex. 1.00
02:02:05.000 You could have it super alcohol-y. 1.00
02:02:06.000 You can't taste it.
02:02:07.000 Podcast's over, Brian.
02:02:08.000 How dare you.
02:02:09.000 How dare you.
02:02:10.000 So we'll try to get Arge Barker for tomorrow.
02:02:12.000 No guarantees, though.
02:02:13.000 But for sure we will have an Ice House Chronicles.
02:02:15.000 I think they might send me to Australia.
02:02:17.000 to what for Insight Time or do like a run of the cities oh one night in each city they might send you who are the people that we worked with my agent oh your agent I don't know if he's talking A-list he's talking to oh that's cool isn't that the people that we worked with when we were there I'm not sure is it yeah I'm pretty sure that'd be cool oh yeah Kylie yeah yeah they were great Yeah, Australia's awesome, man.
02:02:34.000 It's just too far away.
02:02:37.000 I would go for like two weeks.
02:02:38.000 For those asking about the UFC in Australia, I'm not going.
02:02:42.000 I'm not going to any of the FX or Fuel shows.
02:02:45.000 What?
02:02:45.000 Yeah, no more.
02:02:46.000 They're on four channels.
02:02:47.000 I'm doing only the ones that are on pay-per-view and the Fox ones.
02:02:52.000 Those are the ones I'm doing.
02:02:52.000 So I got to watch last night.
02:02:54.000 Jake Ellenberger and Diego Sanchez went to war. 0.99
02:02:56.000 Holy shit, that was a great fight. 0.99
02:02:59.000 Classic. 1.00
02:02:59.000 Fight of the Year candidate. 1.00
02:03:00.000 You should do one of those drunk casts now that you're not going to do them.
02:03:02.000 Totally should.
02:03:02.000 We should have done that last night.
02:03:04.000 Next time.
02:03:04.000 Next time we'll do that.
02:03:05.000 We'll do a drunk cast. 0.99
02:03:07.000 Yeah, why not?
02:03:07.000 Yeah, we'll do it.
02:03:08.000 We'll broadcast.
02:03:10.000 I've never done one of those.
02:03:11.000 You know what? 0.99
02:03:11.000 I'll set up a fucking TV in here. 0.99
02:03:13.000 I'll bring a TV in here. 0.99
02:03:14.000 We'll just do it at the Ice House.
02:03:15.000 You don't have a TV at the Ice House. 1.00
02:03:17.000 And we're not going to do it illegal, you fuckhead. 1.00
02:03:19.000 No, we don't have to do it illegal. 0.99
02:03:20.000 We just rent it on Xbox.
02:03:22.000 Oh, you can rent it on Xbox?
02:03:23.000 Yeah.
02:03:24.000 Really?
02:03:24.000 Yeah, or just get me an Xbox code from Dana.
02:03:27.000 I'm sure he has one of those.
02:03:28.000 Get you an Xbox code. 0.99
02:03:29.000 I'd rather pay for it, like a goddamn good citizen. 0.99
02:03:31.000 What are you saying? 0.99
02:03:32.000 50 bucks, right?
02:03:32.000 Hey, we have what?
02:03:33.000 Nothing, I'll tell you later.
02:03:34.000 Oh.
02:03:35.000 Private stuff.
02:03:36.000 Private stuff.
02:03:37.000 Oh, the guys who sent us the super cool bong, if you're interested in it, go to jetwaterpipes.com.
02:03:43.000 That's the name of it.
02:03:44.000 It's pretty badass.
02:03:45.000 It gets my full support.
02:03:47.000 Me too.
02:03:47.000 Brian, four stars?
02:03:48.000 Yes, me too.
02:03:49.000 Four stars.
02:03:49.000 I'll be in Toronto March 23rd, I think.
02:03:52.000 AriTheGreat.com.
02:03:53.000 Is everything up there?
02:03:54.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:03:54.000 Go to AriTheGreat.com.
02:03:55.000 AriTheGreat.com.
02:03:56.000 That's how you go.
02:03:56.000 Ari Shaffir on Twitter.
02:03:57.000 A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. I got really high for this one. 0.99
02:04:03.000 This was a good one.
02:04:03.000 Yeah.
02:04:04.000 I enjoyed it.
02:04:05.000 That bong was really good.
02:04:06.000 I thought you folks enjoyed it.
02:04:06.000 It showed everything in.
02:04:08.000 What can we tell you that hasn't already been said, folks?
02:04:11.000 We love you.
02:04:11.000 We appreciate you.
02:04:12.000 Most of you. 1.00
02:04:13.000 There's a few of you that are pretty fucked up, and you need to go to... 1.00
02:04:16.000 Kill yourself. 1.00
02:04:17.000 Just kill yourself. 1.00
02:04:17.000 No, just get a flashlight from Joe Rogan's website. 1.00
02:04:20.000 Get some ayahuasca in your system.
02:04:22.000 Yeah, you'll feel better.
02:04:23.000 Go to Costa Rica.
02:04:25.000 Have an Ibogaine session.
02:04:26.000 Oh, Aubrey, formerly known as Chris, the artist formerly known as Chris, is going there soon.
02:04:31.000 He's going to do Ibogaine in Costa Rica.
02:04:34.000 He's going to come back and tell us everything.
02:04:36.000 He's going to come back with a different name.
02:04:37.000 I am now Henry. 0.99
02:04:38.000 He's going to be Crystal Fuck. 0.99
02:04:40.000 I'm now Flower. 1.00
02:04:41.000 I'm now Flower Child.
02:04:43.000 Oh, and I have a podcast.
02:04:44.000 Oh, yeah.
02:04:45.000 Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank.
02:04:46.000 Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank, yeah.
02:04:47.000 Ari Shaffir's.
02:04:48.000 Should be the Ari Shaffir show. 1.00
02:04:49.000 Change that shit. 0.99
02:04:49.000 Should be the Ari Shaffir show, yeah. 0.99
02:04:51.000 Just the Ari Shaffir. 0.99
02:04:53.000 This is the Ari Shaffir show.
02:04:55.000 This is the Joe Rogan experience.
02:04:57.000 And that's, by the way, that's pretentious enough.
02:04:59.000 And it's only because I'm a huge Jimi Hendrix fan.
02:05:01.000 I basically ganked it.
02:05:03.000 That's it. 0.99
02:05:04.000 This fucking show's over. 0.99
02:05:05.000 Thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our program. 0.99
02:05:08.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name Rogan.
02:05:12.000 You want one?
02:05:12.000 I got a box of them.
02:05:13.000 I got a stack.
02:05:14.000 I got your new girlfriend, dog.
02:05:17.000 Enter in the code name Rogan.
02:05:19.000 You get 15% off.
02:05:21.000 We're also sponsored by Onnit.com.
02:05:23.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. And if you go to JoeRogan.net and see the link for AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement that I took to be so smooth.
02:05:32.000 You got some cool art in here right now.
02:05:33.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:05:33.000 I started putting up some...
02:05:35.000 Yeah, some cool shit. 0.99
02:05:36.000 Yeah, I got a bunch of shit I put up. 0.99
02:05:38.000 Those are all... 1.00
02:05:40.000 What the fuck's his name? 1.00
02:05:42.000 Ralph Stedman. 1.00
02:05:42.000 Those are Stedmans. 1.00
02:05:43.000 Those are cool.
02:05:43.000 I've heard of him, right?
02:05:44.000 Yeah, he's the guy that did all of Hunter Thompson's artwork.
02:05:48.000 Those are pretty badass.
02:05:49.000 Yeah.
02:05:50.000 Yeah.
02:05:51.000 I decided to dress this place up. 0.99
02:05:54.000 Oh, I should say the name of this fucking guy because I keep forgetting. 0.99
02:05:57.000 Hold on a second. 0.99
02:05:58.000 The guy who did the thing behind Brian, I know his name.
02:06:01.000 Oh, yeah.
02:06:01.000 I was going to ask you about that.
02:06:02.000 My website's deathsquad.tv.
02:06:05.000 I have the review of the Vita right now.
02:06:07.000 Also, we have 5,000 new podcasts I just put up.
02:06:11.000 We got new Brian Callen, which has an awesome...
02:06:13.000 Wait a minute.
02:06:13.000 How many podcasts do you have?
02:06:15.000 5 million thousand podcasts.
02:06:16.000 Oh, if you want to watch the best podcast that we do, it's the Ice House Chronicles.
02:06:19.000 It's as far as fun, and that's also available on the Death Squad label only.
02:06:24.000 They're long.
02:06:24.000 They'll take you the whole day.
02:06:25.000 Yeah, they're really long. 0.99
02:06:27.000 A lot of them are four hours and shit. 0.96
02:06:29.000 Go to Jiroga.net? 0.99
02:06:32.000 Desquad.tv Go to iTunes and subscribe to Desquad.
02:06:36.000 Last 24 hours to vote for me for that web shorty show.
02:06:38.000 How are you doing?
02:06:39.000 I'm not supporting you on this. 0.99
02:06:40.000 It's ridiculous. 0.91
02:06:41.000 I'm up against Anthony. 0.90
02:06:43.000 They're not sanctioned. 0.98
02:06:44.000 Grant Grand is the name of this dude who made this awesome fucking collage. 0.98
02:06:49.000 Grant Grand? 0.99
02:06:50.000 Yeah, Grant Grand.
02:06:52.000 It's... 0.99
02:06:54.000 Fucking, just all kinds of cool designs and all sorts of weird shit that he incorporated in there. 0.99
02:06:59.000 It's amazing. 0.99
02:07:00.000 It's really cool.
02:07:01.000 So, Grant, thank you very much.
02:07:03.000 Thank you very much for doing that.
02:07:03.000 Oh, Tripoli and Tebow, I'm here starting a sports podcast next week on Tuesday.
02:07:07.000 Sounds awful.
02:07:07.000 What kind of sports are you into?
02:07:09.000 UFC, basketball.
02:07:10.000 Oh, okay.
02:07:11.000 Sounds like the worst idea ever.
02:07:15.000 Flashlight.
02:07:16.000 Done.
02:07:17.000 Onnit.com.
02:07:18.000 Done.
02:07:19.000 Entering the code name ROGAN. It's 10% off from now on every order.
02:07:22.000 It's not just your first order at Onnit.com.
02:07:24.000 It's every order.
02:07:25.000 Okay?
02:07:26.000 Hey man, you need more science behind it.
02:07:27.000 Double blind placebos.
02:07:29.000 Studies on the way.
02:07:30.000 Okay, we're working on it.
02:07:31.000 We're doing everything we're supposed to do.
02:07:32.000 Hey man, did you know that Steve Novella criticized your scientific report?
02:07:35.000 Yep, yep.
02:07:36.000 We corrected everything he critiqued and we actually hired a scientific advisor.
02:07:40.000 We're doing all the right things, people.
02:07:41.000 Really?
02:07:41.000 Yes.
02:07:41.000 We're doing all the right things.
02:07:43.000 We're trying to keep it together.
02:07:44.000 It's all for the positive.
02:07:45.000 It's all for you.
02:07:46.000 This whole thing's for you.
02:07:47.000 It's for you.
02:07:48.000 It's for me.
02:07:48.000 Because we are all one.
02:07:50.000 And as we grow, you grow with us.
02:07:51.000 You are not the you that you used to be.
02:07:53.000 You are the accumulation of all your life's experiences.
02:07:56.000 And from now on, be the best person you possibly can be. 0.97
02:07:59.000 The funniest, the coolest, have your shit together, be the hero in your own story. 0.98
02:08:03.000 This should be an F for the Marines. 0.99
02:08:04.000 Should. 0.99
02:08:05.000 I should be a fucking recruiting angel. 0.99
02:08:07.000 I'm going to start my own Marines. 0.99
02:08:08.000 Someday.
02:08:09.000 We should start a cult.
02:08:11.000 We're going to start one.
02:08:12.000 We're definitely going to start a compound.
02:08:14.000 You want to build a house? 0.99
02:08:15.000 I'm thinking of no bullshit. 0.83
02:08:16.000 I'm thinking of buying a giant chunk of land near a lake and we all build houses there. 0.99
02:08:19.000 Just build houses like Amish people? 1.00
02:08:21.000 Yeah.
02:08:22.000 Well, listen, man.
02:08:22.000 I will buy the land.
02:08:25.000 So we'll loan the land, and then I'll allow all my friends to come and build houses.
02:08:29.000 Let's just have some badass houses on this piece of property. 1.00
02:08:32.000 Does that not sound like a good idea?
02:08:33.000 And if we hear the incoming soon, we're like, hey, you want to go over there and do it?
02:08:36.000 I would be willing to do Fear Factor for one more season, just for the money for that.
02:08:39.000 I think it's a good idea.
02:08:40.000 You're willing to do Fairfactor anyway for one more time.
02:08:42.000 I would have kept going.
02:08:44.000 That's why I'm glad it ended.
02:08:45.000 Terrible bargaining position. 1.00
02:08:46.000 This fucking podcast is over. 1.00
02:08:49.000 Support Ari Shafir by going to AriTheGreat.com and by... 0.99
02:08:55.000 Subscribing to his podcast, which is Ari Shafir's Skeptic Tank, which is only available on iTunes and AriTheGreat.com.
02:09:04.000 And Stitcher.
02:09:04.000 Stitcher.
02:09:05.000 And do you have the Raw MP3 available on your website?
02:09:08.000 Yeah, that's my website. 0.64
02:09:09.000 So if someone has a fucking Zune or something, they can download it? 0.97
02:09:11.000 Oh yeah, you can just hit a link for it. 0.98
02:09:12.000 Yeah, you don't have to be like, it doesn't have...
02:09:14.000 Yeah, you don't have to go to iTunes or any of those things.
02:09:16.000 Look at that.
02:09:16.000 Beautiful.
02:09:17.000 Come on, folks.
02:09:18.000 It can't get any nicer and smoother and easier. 0.96
02:09:19.000 When are you going to do a fucking visual version of it like this for Ustream? 0.95
02:09:22.000 We're doing that for the sports podcast. 0.98
02:09:23.000 Oh! 0.60
02:09:24.000 We're not going to do it for...
02:09:25.000 And that's going to be called Punch Chunk.
02:09:27.000 It's coming in a week. 0.96
02:09:27.000 Did you have a really good one recently when you interviewed a hooker? 0.96
02:09:30.000 Interviewed a hooker was really good. 1.00
02:09:31.000 I heard a lot of good stuff about that one. 0.93
02:09:32.000 Two Holocaust Survivors was really good.
02:09:34.000 What episode is the hooker? 1.00
02:09:37.000 40. Folks, tomorrow night we'll see you at the Ice House in Pasadena.
02:09:42.000 What time is the show time, Brian?
02:09:43.000 10 o'clock show.
02:09:44.000 Podcast starts at 9 at ustream.tv.
02:09:47.000 Ari will be there.
02:09:48.000 I'm pretty sure...
02:09:49.000 Maybe Arch Barthel will come.
02:09:50.000 He's hilarious.
02:09:50.000 Yeah, I would love to have him come.
02:09:52.000 Alright, this fucking show's over. 0.99
02:09:53.000 Good night. 1.00
02:09:53.000 We love you. 1.00