Joe Rogan Experience #186 - Ari Shaffir
Episode Stats
Length
2 hours and 9 minutes
Words per minute
223.16948
Harmful content
Misogyny
206
sentences flagged
Toxicity
1,041
sentences flagged
Hate speech
106
sentences flagged
Summary
Joe Rogan is joined by neurosurgeon Dr. Sam Harris to talk about the Fleshlight, sex toys, and Dexter. Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by The Fleshlight. To get a discount code "Rogan" and receive 20% off your first purchase, go to joeoganexperience.net/discount and enter the code: JOERogan at checkout to receive $10 off your purchase. The deal expires on October 31st, 2019. Thanks to all the listeners and supporters of the show, we can't do this without you! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. This episode was produced by Riley Bray. Our theme song is Come Alone by Suneaters, courtesy of Lotuspool Records, and our ad music is by Build Buildings Records. Please rate, review, and subscribe to our podcast on Apple Podcasts, and other podcasting platforms! If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE and leave us a rating and review! We'll be looking out for the next episode next week with a review and a review on iTunes! Thank you so much for all the support, and we'll see you next week for the podcast, Joe Rogans Experience! See ya soon! XOXO! Joe and the boys at the Joesandrews . XO Brian and the guys at and the crew at The Fleshlights. . . . and the Fleshlights at The Fresh Light The Freshlight at The Deadlight Thanks, , and the Fresh Light at The Jerks at The Bathroom and The Deadlights at the Deadlight at the Sex Pistols at the Baths and The Piggies at the Bachelorette at the Redwood Project at the Backyard at the White House at the PODCAST at the Ritz and The Bodega House at the Hustler at the next show at The B& B at the Grove at the PodX at the Cuff and the B & The Pizzeria at the House of the P& S at the G & The B & B at The P& B at The Grove at The Ritz at the Stucco House at The Park at The White House & The Coffee Shop at The Stuccia
Transcript
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The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.
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Someday, we're going to have Sam Harris on the podcast.
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Famed neurosurgeon, prominent atheist, author, genius extraordinaire.
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And on that day, The Fleshlight, I'm going to tell you what, we won't be talking about you.
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If people found his shit online and they went and researched that and we talked for the first 20 minutes about the flashlight.
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Our deal with the Fleshlight was back when we only had one podcast a week.
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And, you know, now we do often three podcasts a week and we still talk about the Fleshlight.
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You know, we never tried to charge them more money ever.
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I think if they skip a podcast, they're just going to have to deal with that shit.
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I really wish Sam could just sit here and we could talk about it like two intelligent people.
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So even though I'm trying not to say the same thing, I'm still saying the same thing.
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Because ultimately, I have to say that to get you a discount, you go to JoeRogan.net and you click on the link and you enter in the code name Rogan.
00:02:07.000
It might not be a bad idea, but people like this for whatever reason.
00:02:14.000
I think it's just the certain parts where, especially when you're talking about Onnit, and you're like, steal your own products.
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I know they know that, but there's people that are listening to this for the first time.
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To everybody else that's been on board from the beginning, we love you, we appreciate you very much, but we can't do a show just for you.
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We have to do a show recognizing the fact that somebody might be tuning into this.
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I like that the whole years hold together year by year.
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Someone could be tuning into this fucking show for the first time.
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I don't want them to have to know a bunch of inside shit.
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You know what my favorite thing is, is people are sitting on Twitter lately, is fleshlights stuffed into their mattresses and their beds and printouts of my face.
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Like, above it, like on the mattress, so it looks like they're fucking it while looking at my face.
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As long as when they're done, they don't stab your picture and go fucking crazy.
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Maybe there's some girls out there fingering themselves to you.
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Listen, this podcast reaches a lot of human beings.
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There's got to be one girl out there that's, oh, Brian's on.
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She's probably one of those girls that claws at her pussy.
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You ever watch like a porno where a girl, she's clawing at it.
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You know, like if I was doing that, I would feel like I was being way too rough.
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You know, and this girl's just digging in her own pussy like, oh, what's going on there?
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You know, that's what they say is actually some sort of a scientific thing.
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People that have, like, genital piercings, and, like, especially when they have a lot of them, that many of them, they believe it's connected to a disease where they don't feel things the same way we do.
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They don't have the same amount of sensory input from pain, so they have to really hurt themselves to feel it.
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And then there's certain people that, you know, there's a broad spectrum of how the human body works and operates, and Sometimes the wonky thing is their pain doesn't work.
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So they'll pierce themselves, especially their genitals.
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Besides sexual abuse, that's another thing with genital piercing.
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Yeah, I've heard it with girls' clits and stuff like that.
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But I always thought they were just crazy.
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You know, but there's the video of the guy getting fucked to death by the horse, Mr. Hands, that guy's balls are all pierced up.
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If it was like the Zapruder film where you're trying to cut out scenes, I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what the...
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The ball is bulging there, so you can tell it's still full of semen.
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Onnit.com is our other sponsor, and I do have to say people are getting annoyed with these ads as well, but some people haven't heard them before, so I have to say it in a certain amount of order.
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What, do you want to take a break in the middle?
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Remember radio hosts just go into their spiel in the middle?
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I was listening to this Terrence McKenna interview, and he was on PBS, and every fucking five minutes, no bullshit, every five minutes, This is our fun drive, our big fun drive.
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If you want to keep conversations going, this is a great conversation we're having right now with Terrence McKenna, please donate.
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Was he in front of Terrence McKenna saying that?
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It's like, I will pay you anything to not have you do that.
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You're making people who are listening to an hour interview listen to six fucking commercials.
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Who the fuck do you think you're reaching?
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Do random people just start tuning in halfway through this fucking thing?
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And the only reason why they think they can get away with this is because we rely on public funding.
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If they didn't rely on public funding, they'd be like, fuck you, man.
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You're asking me to buy your shit every six minutes?
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Yeah, well, these commercials, probably after a few times, you'd probably think the same.
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What happened from, like, the 15-minute, or 15-second spots and 30-second spots to, like, the 10-minute spots?
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Oh, one thing I can tell because of your voices, the discount code, Rogan, is only good the first time you use it.
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So any time you use the code name Rogan, you get 10% off every time now.
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We're coming out with hemp protein and shit like that.
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And we're going to start selling kettlebells.
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Because kettlebells are expensive as fuck.
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They're expensive as fuck for no reason, man.
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You can get high quality ones made as long as you're selling them online.
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We would do it not trying to bring them to stores and shit like that.
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So we could sell them same quality, way cheaper than everybody else sells them.
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You find out a lot of things when you start selling things, like how much money people make for shit.
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One of the things about Onnit and AlphaBrain, people are like, why is it so expensive?
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Our profit margin compared to most supplements is way lower.
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The ingredients are very fucking expensive.
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All the shit that we have in it is the best quality available.
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We're really doing it like the worst way ever to make money.
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Because we're saying you get 100% money back guarantee if you don't like it.
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If you use it, it used to be you could buy up fucking 100 bottles and you wouldn't even have to send them back.
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They were selling them on eBay and shit, so we had to stop doing that.
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But if you order it and you don't like it, you don't have to send it back.
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How do you know if a vitamin is doing something for you?
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I mean, how much time does it take before you're so in tune with your body that you can tell when you have and have not a multivitamin inside you?
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But that said, if you take vitamins on a regular basis, you will notice a difference in your overall health.
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I've read studies that say otherwise, but I've also seen studies that I know were influenced by bullshit, by pharmaceutical companies.
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They've been trying to license nutraceuticals.
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They've been trying to make it so that vitamins are prescription only for a long time.
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That's something pharmaceutical companies have lobbied to try to do a couple of times.
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They would have the rights to sell vitamin C. If you wanted vitamin C, you would have to go get a prescription for it.
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You would have to go to doctors to get vitamins.
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You know how fucking terrible that would be.
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And you would have to give you a prescription for all of them.
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You would have to have things that are approved, and then those things that were approved, you would have an open prescription for any...
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I mean, unless you would have it every time you wanted to get something.
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Because they can make money off of it and they can keep supplement companies.
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That's the problem, is that they feel like it's not regulated enough.
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There's a very good point to that, but it's way better than over-regulation, which is what it would be if you had to prescribe vitamins.
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People have figured out what works and what doesn't work.
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There's a lot of scientific studies about the efficacy of all sorts of different multivitamins.
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There's things that point to the fact that certain ones can help you in stress.
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What you're doing is you're supplementing the essential parts of food that are healthy for you.
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And I have always been a person that has tried to, as much as I can, eat healthy.
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And when I can't eat healthy, I make sure I'm always taking vitamins.
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When Ari was doing jiu-jitsu, he was eating fucking hot dogs and shit, no vitamins, no nothing.
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So for now, if you're interested in nootropics, here's the spiel.
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There's a bunch of different companies out there.
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If you think our stuff is too expensive, this is all you have to do.
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The ingredient list is all online and it's listed exactly how much is in of each different supplement.
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If you buy it and you don't like it, you get 100% of your money back for the first order.
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If you keep buying it and then you say, I didn't like this one either!
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Then I have a feeling that you're just fucking crazy.
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See, I feel bad because it's like I'm sponsoring myself.
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Yeah, but that's actually, you know, a lot of people I think would love some cool t-shirts.
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Well, if you're in show monkeys and weed, and you probably are, who isn't, go to hire-primate.com.
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And I've actually been meaning to talk about this because we've got a whole new supply in.
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Yeah, so it's all just weird cartoon monkeys that are getting high.
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Yeah, I'm going to have some new designs about monkeys and mushrooms.
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Because I want to get some stoned ape theory type illustration where the monkeys are all gathered around a glowing mushroom.
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How about a bunch of those monkeys passing a joint around and one dude has a thought bubble and he's like, oh, this one monkey?
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Whatever, I don't know, the Stoned Ape Theory was.
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Like, it starts off with, like, a scribble, and then it turns into a banana.
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A monkey with a balloon in a joint line, and he's like, oh, shit, I got an idea.
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So crazy that if you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the Fleshlight link, and enter in the code name Rogan, you get 10% off!
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We're like, oh shit, we gotta get a recording of that.
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Any upcoming fighters, if you want to have your own Joe Rogan experience opening, just say it after you win.
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Oh yeah, some jetwaterpipes.com sent us the coolest bong ever.
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Even their website, if you go to their website, it's just like a Dyson website.
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You don't have to pull out the carb for it to take a hit.
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You just push down this little thing and it opens up the carb for you.
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I've used many, many bongs before, but that one is just...
00:15:29.000
There's no way you're cleaning that out every day.
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You gotta get some of that stuff that you get at Petco for when your cat pisses.
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Yeah, we talked about it a couple weeks ago.
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You know, it had a urinary infection of some kind and that's where it was from because now she's not doing it.
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The urinary tract infection doesn't make them pee in one specific spot.
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When they put like a bird on your pillow, that's them trying to give you a gift.
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They're presenting that to you and letting you know they like you.
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My other theory is that my dog has been at Varon's house for the last couple weeks.
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And so the dog, when it's usually in town, just starts chasing the cat.
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So I think because now that the dog's gone, the cat's like, oh yeah, I'm going to pee on where you always like to sit.
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No, I mean, the dog's just hanging out with Varon's dog at her house so they can play together all the time.
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Right, but are you ever at Varon's house and not at your house for extended periods of time?
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There's just one's a boy and one's an old lady.
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She told me the old one hates the other one, though.
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Either they stay cool or they just become a psycho.
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When chicks get old, when they get like 45, they start hating 20-year-olds.
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Women get angry when you don't want to fuck them anymore.
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Especially if they've put like a big part of who they are.
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The big part of their identity and people wanting to fuck them.
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I would have loved to have seen, do you remember, who was that woman?
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Do you remember what she looked like when she was young?
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I think Body Heat was, or was that Sharon Stone?
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I guess I'm thinking that Romancing the Stone is like a fake Indiana Jones.
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I just remember sliding down the legs in between the heads.
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I feel like there was a fake one with Sharon Stone.
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I mean like a similar sort of like romance, sort of a swashbuckler adventure type movie.
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The only thing I remember else she did was Sliver.
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And I was just like, oh, she was so hot and based against Stink.
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I remember when I saw Total Recall that you're like, she was barely, I mean she was in it, but not like it wasn't like a main, and you're like, wait, who's that girl?
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She was so hot in the first Basic Instinct, but in the second one she was so gross.
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Because she was trying to be hot and sexy again.
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It looked like a bomb that was seconds from going off.
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That's the comfort level that you would have if you fucked her.
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It would be that feeling where you were terrified that you were going to just stick your dick in her and she was just going to crumble into dust and her soul would screech away.
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She crossed her legs, she did that same crossing the legs thing, and you're like, hey, what the fuck?
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It was like she was trying to be sexy and slinky, and there's a completely different kind of sexy that older ladies have.
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Women even in their 50s can still pull off some sexy.
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The graduate lady was pretty sexy, but she wasn't 50. You gotta be like, you gotta like slowly creep up on a dude and like endear yourself with your affection.
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You can't like spread your legs like you're 20 anymore.
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Not only does it, I gotta think of how many times have you done that?
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How many times have you done that over the years?
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Do you have creases on the sides of your thighs from opening your legs as wide as possible so many thousands of times a year?
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You're 50 years old and you're showing me your pussy.
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Remember when we were in Boston at that chickopee place?
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And that crazy little redneck lady was like, You want to see my tits?
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And we're like, I know you want to see my boobs.
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She didn't know that what she was showing us was a horror show.
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They were fat and they were flat at the same time.
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When the second show, we didn't even stick around.
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There were so many knuckleheads in that crowd.
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Fucking packing up their Chinese food as they're on stage doing jokes.
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Brown bags are stuffing them full of leftover Chinese food.
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Trying to deliver the stuff you've worked on for two years.
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You wouldn't go back there, the headline, if they called you?
00:21:35.000
Somebody just went on stage to take a picture with me.
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She walked on stage in the middle of my set and wanted to take a picture.
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I'm like, bitch, get the fuck out of here.
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What do you never see anybody outside of your neighborhood before?
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Parts of it are beautiful, like Amherst, where UMass is.
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It's a cool, like, it's a really interesting place because it's really intelligent.
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And, you know, because of the college, it's pretty much any college town is going to have a higher level of intellect or at least curiosity.
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But that's, you know, the city of Boston, essentially.
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One of the reasons why it's a great town and so people are so smart there is because the university is there.
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It always helps having a university in a town.
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But god damn it doesn't make a bunch of fucking bleeding hearts too.
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There's not a lot of manly intellectuals in those towns.
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You got too much liberal in there, you pussy.
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Because at a certain point, you grow up to the point where you're like, if you bump into somebody, you're like, oh, sorry, I didn't do that on purpose, did you?
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You don't have to fucking fight like a fucking dummy.
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There's too many people that don't have their shit together.
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There's too many people like, man, I don't even need many men.
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There's too much of people who only want to look at the super liberal, super open-minded point of view.
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And a really interesting, I think I already talked about this, but there was that Rick Santorum guy was doing a debate Not a debate, but a thing.
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We're sitting in front of a really liberal college in New Hampshire, and he was talking, and they were talking to him about marriage.
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And he's like, I think marriage is between a man and a woman.
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They say, why can't it be between a man and a man?
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Unless you clearly see the dog doesn't want it.
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The dog, I don't think so because the dog can't say, yes, I do.
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They're like, you know, you're being irrelevant.
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It's been a man and a woman for thousands of years.
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If people look at you and go, look at this crazy asshole with his three wives.
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I don't even want to hang around with him.
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The only punishment should be, if people think it's weird, those people won't like you.
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But these people, it was really fascinating the way they were treating that dilemma in the audience.
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It was just as close-minded as the people, the guy was anti-gay marriage.
00:25:44.000
I think they should be allowed to do that stuff.
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They totally should be allowed to do that stuff.
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Changing the marriage ideas, changing gay marriage to include it.
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It's because they value their type of marriage, and when you allow other people to enter it, that is not your type of marriage, the one man or one girl, it cheapens the value of what you have.
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00:26:03.000
I would say that might be true, but if that was the case, how come nobody got mad at The Bachelor, or Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, or any of those fucking stupid shows?
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I'm sure they didn't like that when they heard about it.
00:26:26.000
I mean, you could just drive into a place and Elvis can marry you in Vegas.
00:26:30.000
They're just holding on to like, it's just this way.
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This is what I have in common that you don't...
00:26:43.000
I don't give a fuck what anybody else does.
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The only reason I got married is because it makes my wife feel good.
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That's the only reason anybody gets married.
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They like to be able to tell their friends they're married.
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Look, I had kids with her and I'm not going anywhere.
00:26:59.000
Written on paper or not, I'm not going anywhere, but when you see things written on paper, for some people it has this extra significance, or culturally you're allowed to say, no, we're married.
00:27:13.000
And the fact that you're legally entangled, even though it's a ridiculous notion to get legally entangled with a person, especially when 60% of them get divorced and have to lose all their money trying to sort out their funds.
00:27:36.000
But in looking at it that way, in just discussing it, it's all ridiculous.
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What matters is, how do you feel about a person?
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It doesn't have to be written down, and a bunch of other assholes get to agree that you're legit now.
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00:28:03.000
The only reason is for insurance purposes, so you can physically do sick ones in the hospital, loved ones.
00:28:09.000
We should be able to do that with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
00:28:12.000
How about if you don't have a loved one, and you're my only friend in town, and if I get sick, I'll say, please contact Ari Shafir.
00:28:24.000
What if you move in with a chick after like three weeks?
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00:28:41.000
When it devalues their marriage, I feel like it's the same as when a black person moves onto your block and it devalues the property of your home.
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What if, you know, like Neil Tyson moved in on your neighborhood?
00:29:22.000
It was a nice black family and then their kids inherited it after a while and they were a little, I don't know, wherever they were from, but they were more party people and they had a car parked in there with some bullet holes in it.
00:29:34.000
So my mom just started referring to them as the murderers.
00:29:53.000
I mean, I didn't think they were murderers, but that's how she casually referred to them.
00:30:00.000
It is fascinating how much, how few white people can relate to really poor black people in crime-ridden neighborhoods.
0.99
00:30:08.000
It's more like District 9 than it is your life.
00:30:15.000
Like, you've seen, well, especially like in Africa.
00:30:25.000
Do you want to think it's the end of the world?
00:30:26.000
Watch the Vice piece on Liberia where they're eating regular cannibalism.
00:30:36.000
They would go over there and kill the children, sacrifice them, eat their heart while they were alive, drink their blood, because it made them like...
0.98
00:30:42.000
They believed that it made them invulnerable in battle.
0.73
00:30:45.000
He was a crazy dictator, but nobody knows him just because his name is too normal.
0.99
00:30:50.000
He was that dictator in Liberia that took power.
00:30:54.000
What a brilliant move, just to have a really normal sounding name.
00:30:57.000
Way worse than Gaddafi or any of these people we thought were bad.
0.97
00:31:09.000
I think that's the guy who makes Converse All-Stars?
00:31:20.000
He was the 22nd president of Liberia from 1997 until his resignation in 2003. My friends in college had to flee.
00:31:35.000
There's so many spots that are so goddamn scary.
0.99
00:31:43.000
After a while, we realized, you know, I may as well just take everything down.
00:31:54.000
You just decided it'd be better if it was a total loss?
00:31:56.000
Could you imagine if you actually did have buildings already set up?
00:32:04.000
Well, when you want to get your building demolished, here's a good thing.
00:32:07.000
You just press this button and the building goes away.
0.99
00:32:09.000
And you just have to hire some monkeys to fucking pick up the pieces.
1.00
00:32:16.000
They couldn't because everybody would be like, people would be just trying to blow up every building.
00:32:18.000
Was there another plane that was supposed to go that way?
00:32:25.000
One of them that got shot down that was supposedly, they don't know where that was headed.
00:32:30.000
They might have been headed for the White House.
00:32:32.000
Yeah, that's what they said was headed south, though.
00:32:33.000
That was 93. That was the one that they said that the people brought it down.
00:32:41.000
Yeah, Rumsfeld actually made a mistake in an interview and said it got shot down.
00:32:47.000
He said, you know, in 93, they shot down 93, Flight 93. He, like, said it before.
00:32:53.000
And there's a lot of people that are positive that it was shot down because of how far the debris was.
00:32:57.000
The debris went as far as, like, seven miles from where...
00:33:00.000
Yeah, and then they made that, you know, that whole story, that let's roll thing.
00:33:04.000
I've heard that before, and my thought on that was like, that'd be okay if they shut that down.
00:33:08.000
Like, clearly, by the other three, like, it's gonna be...
00:33:14.000
It's a tough choice, but you've got to do that.
00:33:15.000
There were eyewitnesses that said that they saw fighter jets.
00:33:24.000
But somehow or another, people want to know about the mystery.
00:33:29.000
Do you think as they were starting to hijack, someone was in mid-conversation going, Do you know they checked my bag?
0.99
00:33:42.000
They're probably still too much security for a lot of people.
00:33:47.000
My take on it is when Bush told the whole story, the whole let's roll story, that the guy said, let's roll, as they got out and they were going to go fight the terrorists and they brought the plane down.
0.97
00:33:59.000
like that's a little too honorable it was like ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding my bullshit alarm was just going off I was like, this is a story.
0.99
00:34:07.000
I have no idea, but it does sound like a great story.
0.92
00:34:11.000
Remember they had that story where they said that they had rescued her in a hail of gunfire because she was being imprisoned by the Iraqis and they saved her, this brave, pretty girl.
00:34:19.000
When it turns out she was actually in a hospital, there was no gunfire at all.
00:34:27.000
And people gave her death threats because she went against the story.
00:34:36.000
There was some sort of a firefight or some sort of a military incident where she was injured.
00:34:42.000
They came and got her from the hospital, and they brought her back home.
00:34:48.000
What the United States said was that they had to go and rescue her.
00:34:51.000
And they went in guns blazing to go get one of our own.
00:35:00.000
They went to the hospital, got her, brought her home.
00:35:06.000
And they concocted a crazy story pretending that they had rescued her.
00:35:11.000
But they got there and they were like, Americans, here she is.
00:35:13.000
And then another example is that football player.
0.99
00:35:18.000
Maybe somebody in Human Resources is really gay and he's just like, oh my god, they went in there and they just destroyed everything.
1.00
00:35:24.000
He just writes these press releases that are just over-examined.
0.97
00:35:31.000
I'm sure it's one person and one group actually gets to decide what the story would be.
00:35:45.000
It's standard operational procedure for them to lie.
0.96
00:35:48.000
So anytime they get a situation to bullshit and spin the truth, it seems to be the precedent.
0.98
00:35:55.000
Whenever there's some sort of a situation and then they tell you a story, you can't prove that the let's roll is not real.
00:36:04.000
If they took over the plane, why did it go down?
00:36:05.000
Because they fought bitterly like Americans.
0.69
00:36:13.000
I don't want to believe that they would lie that much.
00:36:19.000
But I do believe that they would shoot out a jet.
00:36:22.000
If they thought it was coming to the White House, they would shoot that jet down.
0.85
00:36:34.000
It's a tough decision, but they've just had three attacks.
00:36:44.000
Pull up the audio of Donald Rumsfeld, Flight 93 Shot Down.
00:36:54.000
Of course, it could have also been a slip.
0.99
00:36:58.000
I'll say to you, I'll say, Brian, why'd you do that?
0.99
00:37:16.000
If the people who bombed the best ball in Mosley, or the people who did the bombing in Spain, or the people who attacked the United States in New York, shot down the plane over Pennsylvania and attacked the Pentagon...
00:37:32.000
No, because he's referring to the people who did the bad things.
00:37:35.000
Yeah, that sounds like he was saying brought down the plane, like shot down.
00:37:44.000
They wouldn't be the ones who would have shot it down anyway.
00:37:52.000
There was this huge moth about this big that's been outside of my back patio for the last couple of days and it hasn't moved like a word at all.
00:38:09.000
Like there's like a little patch that had like cheetah.
00:38:15.000
Oh, I see like the pattern was like cheetah and then there was like these weird parts that look like almost like feathers of like an owl It was just really weird like looking at it every day And then today I shut the door really hard and it fell down and it just started vibrating for about ten minutes Like it wasn't dead It was just vibrating.
00:38:34.000
So I'm just sitting there looking at it, and then it shits out this orange, fluorescent orange thing.
0.91
00:38:40.000
I think it was shit, but it was fluorescent orange.
0.99
00:38:46.000
So I'm sitting there like, what the fuck is that orange stuff?
1.00
00:38:51.000
So it fell on the ground, had an epileptic seizure, shit all over itself, and then flew away.
1.00
00:38:56.000
It just shit out like a super, super small little bubble of fluorescent orange shit.
0.99
00:39:01.000
And so I'm sitting there playing with it with a match stick, and I'm just looking at the orange shit, and I put it on the end of my cigarette and smoked it.
0.99
00:39:17.000
See, people are thinking there's a show on March 3rd, you fuck.
1.00
00:39:20.000
People keep saying, Mark 3rd, the New York...
1.00
00:39:30.000
There is a March 3rd show in Brea, California, but we had it listed as March 3rd and 4th, or whatever the fuck it was, in New York City.
00:39:57.000
And then at the Tabernacle in Atlanta on 420. Oh, shit!
1.00
00:40:04.000
I'm just trying to organize it as quickly as possible.
00:40:17.000
I think that's what Doug Benson does every year.
00:40:31.000
You can't recognize where does Doug end and the marijuana begin?
00:40:39.000
This last time, that last Ice House, he seriously, from the beginning to the end, did not stop.
00:40:48.000
I'm like, would you just give him another pipe, please?
00:40:53.000
What's really crazy is there's a conspiracy that he doesn't really smoke weed.
00:40:57.000
Because I guess he got on some show somewhere and gave a half-hearted bong hit.
0.98
00:41:08.000
Remember Donald Sutherland in Invasion of Body Snatchers when he found the woman at the end?
00:41:16.000
Well, it's like everybody had become one of the aliens.
00:41:19.000
They had been taken over by the body snatchers.
00:41:22.000
But a few people stayed awake and were surviving by figuring out how to stay awake.
00:41:27.000
And this woman came up to Donald Sutherland because they were in the resistance together.
00:41:35.000
And he looked at me and went, because he had been taken over.
00:41:47.000
Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Donald Sutherland is a fucking great movie.
0.99
00:41:58.000
Meg Tilly was the real kind of innocent one and Jennifer Tilly was kind of like the dirtier one.
0.90
00:42:10.000
But Meg Tilly was her sister and her sister was the star of the, there was a more modern version I remember getting a little action movie-y.
00:42:29.000
That's back when Donald Sutherland was just a...
1.00
00:42:37.000
Donald Sutherland was fucking awesome, man.
0.98
00:42:57.000
But it made it out like wolves are just jacking people left and right up there.
00:43:02.000
He was hired to shoot wolves, and the wolves were like, We're running at people, full clip, and he would take them out like it was a sniper.
00:43:10.000
That's one of the openings, which never happens, man.
00:43:14.000
Wolves don't just run on people so often that you need a guy with a rifle who's a sniper picking the wolves off.
00:43:31.000
He took wolves and gave them some unnatural pack of wolves.
00:43:43.000
I would have liked it if they were diseased.
0.99
00:43:45.000
I would have liked it if it turned out that they had got some fucking crazy radiation.
0.99
00:43:52.000
But instead, they try to play it off like these wolves are killing people.
00:43:55.000
Wolves have only killed like 100 people ever in the history of humanity.
00:44:01.000
There's a Wikipedia, but there's also another website that documents wolf human deaths.
00:44:05.000
And a big majority of them, I believe, are in Russia.
00:44:10.000
They got meaner people up there and meaner wolves.
00:44:15.000
I can imagine seeing a wolf attack and a guy being killed and he would have to yell, like, this is far rarer than you could imagine.
00:44:22.000
A woman died, like, I think in 2005 or something like that.
00:44:29.000
And I think if you fuck up and you just run by a wolf in the wrong time, they can't help but chase you.
1.00
00:44:39.000
They say that's a big part of mountain lion attacks, is people are jogging or people are riding bikes, and they just can't help it.
00:44:48.000
Which is the next operating system from, by the way, they announced today.
00:44:53.000
It seems like they're getting to the bottom of the barrel of cats.
00:44:56.000
Yeah, what's up with Apple and the whole cat thing?
00:45:01.000
It's just like Android with all their little names.
00:45:05.000
They should name it after endangered species and see which product or animal gets extinct first.
1.00
00:45:10.000
Yeah, or name it after something smart as fuck.
0.98
00:45:44.000
I mean, if I go to the zoo, I love looking at monkeys and apes.
00:45:49.000
Yeah, if I see it every day, I don't want to look at monkeys every day.
00:45:54.000
I could look at tigers almost every day, because to me, they're like Avatar.
00:46:01.000
If tigers didn't exist and it was in the movie Avatar...
00:46:07.000
The whites and the black stripes and the yellow and orange.
00:46:13.000
Why would nature ever want you to be so beautiful and so fucking vicious?
0.96
00:46:17.000
That's other animals' ways of watching out for the tiger, protecting themselves.
0.99
00:46:24.000
This guy's so badass, we've got to make him really bright.
00:46:28.000
But gorillas should be bright then, if that was the same thing.
0.85
00:46:33.000
They kill people if people fuck up and jog over a nest or something like that.
0.99
00:46:37.000
But for the most part, gorillas are vegetarians.
1.00
00:46:44.000
What do you think about this Virginia stuff with abortion?
00:46:50.000
Well, have you heard the thing about ultrasounds?
00:46:55.000
They're saying that you have to get an ultrasound before you have any sort of procedure.
00:47:00.000
They want you to recognize that that's a life form.
00:47:03.000
Somebody said that, one of the Democrats in there said something like, this is the first time that we have ever dictated...
00:47:18.000
It's a total weird line to cross because you're making a decision for the person.
00:47:27.000
They know they could get an ultrasound if they wanted to.
00:47:35.000
I need you to feel this one more time before you do it.
00:47:41.000
What's going on here is you're killing a baby.
0.95
00:47:43.000
Well, one guy said it because the only reason it's legal, one of the Republicans, the only reason it's legal is because it's for convenience.
00:47:57.000
Because at a certain age, you can't do it anymore.
00:48:02.000
That's why we raise the speed limit, five miles an hour, when you know this is going to mean more deaths this year.
00:48:07.000
Dude, I had a friend back in New York who, his girl got a late-term abortion.
00:48:25.000
Yeah, she was showing and she had an abortion.
1.00
00:48:31.000
And they went on to have children together, which is even crazier.
00:48:36.000
But at the time, I was really freaked out by it.
00:48:40.000
Because I don't remember how many months it was in, but it was enough where, you know, they told me.
0.99
00:49:03.000
Clearly, at some point, it's like, this life's going to continue.
00:49:08.000
I think that's enough time for you to find out that you're pregnant and you need to either make the decision yes or no.
0.56
00:49:12.000
But I think anything after that, that's just laziness.
00:49:40.000
I see the difference between it being a father.
00:49:44.000
Part of what you're saying, you're kind of being objective about it, and you're being honest about it, but part of what you're saying is a little bit for shock value.
00:50:00.000
So, but three months you can't, but four months you can?
00:50:06.000
So then you can see it's still okay to do it then?
00:50:09.000
I think it's remarkably soon that you could tell it's a person.
0.98
00:50:35.000
No, I meant, like, can you see it through the stomach?
00:50:36.000
Can you see a bulge in the woman's stomach?
1.00
00:51:03.000
Like abilities, as soon as you can make it out, based on that, that's where it should be illegal?
00:51:13.000
But at what point in time does it become a life?
00:51:18.000
I think as soon as it can start moving on its own, it can start leading to life.
00:51:28.000
When you have children, when your wife is pregnant, or if you ever have a girl that's pregnant, you touch her stomach when the baby's only a few months old, they start kicking, man.
00:51:36.000
So it's when you can feel it through the stomach skin?
00:51:40.000
But before you can feel it, like the week before you can feel it, that's not a living thing?
00:51:45.000
Because it's not quite strong enough to get through the skin layer?
00:51:52.000
But you don't know that it's moving around until you start feeling it moving around.
00:51:58.000
With a human hand, you should feel through the skin?
00:52:02.000
Long before this late-term abortion shit, it's moving.
0.98
00:52:06.000
I don't know when you should be able to draw a line, but it's a philosophical and a moral question, right?
0.99
00:52:14.000
And no one has really wrapped their head around that, but for a lot of liberal people, they don't even want to address the argument.
00:52:19.000
It becomes more of you trying to take away a woman's right to choose.
00:52:29.000
And one is pro-choice, and the other one is not against people having choices.
0.99
00:52:36.000
Yeah, but they're like ones pro-life, ones pro-life.
00:52:37.000
They're not even talking about the same things.
00:52:41.000
It should be ones pro-life, ones pro-death.
0.63
00:52:43.000
What's really crazy is that most pro-life people are also pro-war.
00:52:54.000
How many people are concerned about the babies and how many people are out there.
00:52:57.000
And they're the same people that support the war.
00:52:59.000
They're the same people that would be happy to support the troops.
00:53:05.000
You ever drive by one of those, a bunch of groups of fucking weirdos, get on the corner with flags and big signs.
1.00
00:53:15.000
Is this boosting morale for people who aren't really there?
00:53:18.000
Is it for the random soldier or two that may be getting shipped off and gets to see this before they leave?
00:53:29.000
People, they'll get mad at you if you don't honk.
00:53:31.000
I've seen, there was on the corner about three or four miles away from here, there was this one intersection that was like a hot intersection for some reason for gay marriage folks, people that were anti-gay marriage, and people that were into the war.
00:53:47.000
Remember that Proposition 8 shit when that was going down?
0.99
00:53:55.000
Fucking quoting psalms and shit and holding it up.
1.00
00:53:58.000
Honk if you believe marriage is for a man and a woman.
1.00
00:54:02.000
And people were fucking screaming at them.
0.99
00:54:11.000
There was several times where I drove by where people in cars were screaming at the people on the street and they were screaming back and forth at each other.
1.00
00:54:19.000
They should just arrest them because it's against the law for you to honk your horn.
00:54:23.000
How can it be against the law to honk your horn?
00:54:29.000
You can get a ticket for honking your horn for no reason.
00:54:46.000
But still, it's telling you to do something illegal and people are holding signs up for you.
00:54:52.000
I feel like you should be able to like drive through an intersection and honk at your friends Can you do that?
00:54:58.000
I think one of those things where it's like it's illegal But no one's ever going to take it for it unless you've started just honking your horn for no reason if you saw someone in the corner And there's a cop there and you are better.
00:55:10.000
I would say get arrested but get ticket get fine probably or a warning most likely We got too many rules There's way too many.
0.98
00:55:23.000
You shouldn't be blaring your fucking horn everywhere, but there shouldn't be a law against it.
1.00
00:55:26.000
There's a really interesting video online.
0.99
00:55:29.000
It was taken in Nevada, where some dude went through a sobriety checkpoint and wouldn't answer any of the questions.
00:55:40.000
And the guy's like, please roll down your window.
00:55:43.000
We just kept standing there like a visible bang.
00:55:49.000
When a cop says, I want to check your car, you don't have to say yes.
00:55:58.000
They always say, can I? Yeah, they say it in an asking manner.
00:56:05.000
You know they say, alright, we're going to check your car, okay?
00:56:27.000
The problem is they'll just get the dog and then they have the somebody to tell the dog to make the dog bark and go, yep, alright, we're checking your car now.
00:56:33.000
How many times do you think cops actually plant evidence?
00:56:40.000
I mean, for the majority, I'm sure they have planted evidence, but I don't think there's fucking cops planting evidence.
0.90
00:56:45.000
A humongous majority has never planted any evidence.
0.99
00:56:49.000
I mean, if you watch cops, everyone says the cop is planting evidence, but you know that fucking guy's just...
0.98
00:57:00.000
That was the movie, the documentary about the 80s in Miami and how fucking crazy the cocaine world was.
1.00
00:57:08.000
One of the things they talked about was that there was one year where an entire class of the police academy, the graduating class, all of them either wound up dead or dead.
1.00
00:57:20.000
The whole police department was full of shit.
1.00
00:57:24.000
Where they all just tell the other ones, this is how we do stuff.
00:57:27.000
Especially the amount of money that's involved in cocaine in Miami in the 80s.
0.96
00:57:31.000
It must have been fucking completely crazy.
0.65
00:57:40.000
Most people that I meet day to day in my life are fine folk.
0.99
00:57:43.000
There's only occasionally one or two people out of the vast majority that suck.
1.00
00:57:49.000
And those stand out and you go, oh, fucking people suck.
1.00
00:57:52.000
But for the most part, look, in America, in a nice place like Los Angeles, where people are doing pretty good, for the most part, we're not starving to death.
1.00
00:58:07.000
But if a few of them are cunts, you'll start going, people are cunts.
0.99
00:58:17.000
What I was going to say about the video where the cop was talking to the guy and the guy wouldn't answer any questions, one of the things that was interesting about it was how fucking together the cops were keeping him while this guy was being kind of shitty.
0.58
00:58:29.000
I was like, I guess they knew they were being filmed or something.
0.74
00:58:33.000
There was a little bit of that too because he had a camera and he held it up to them asking them what their name was.
00:58:42.000
But they're just trying to make sure people aren't drunk.
00:58:44.000
I love when they get caught with the camera that's in their own car.
00:58:49.000
And it's like, do you get so complacent that you just feel like what you're doing is right?
1.00
00:58:52.000
They feel like they're going to be able to erase the evidence.
00:59:00.000
It tastes shitty, but do you think it's getting you high?
0.98
00:59:03.000
There's a place down the street that used to be one of those urgent care centers, and now it's a medical marijuana place.
00:59:12.000
They're like, yeah, there wasn't a lot of money in that.
00:59:19.000
There's so many of those billboards where you're driving around.
0.99
00:59:21.000
People who don't live in LA have no idea what the fuck is going on here.
1.00
00:59:33.000
Across the street from the pharmacy is a place that opened.
00:59:38.000
It's one of the craziest things you'll ever experience in your life.
0.79
00:59:41.000
And it's one of the reasons why so many of them are getting shut down.
00:59:43.000
What people don't realize is how many of them there are.
00:59:45.000
When you hear about all these pot shops are getting shut down, it's terrible that pot shops are getting shut down.
00:59:50.000
It's terrible they're being prosecuted, especially the people that didn't even do anything wrong.
00:59:54.000
There's a bunch of people that are being unfairly targeted, but there's also a bunch of dudes who are making a shitload of money selling weed.
01:00:02.000
There's some people that are like, you can't even open a shoe store without filling paperwork out.
1.00
01:00:06.000
But they're like, nah, fuck it, we're selling weed.
0.99
01:00:09.000
That doesn't give you a license to just do nothing.
01:00:12.000
Like our douchey friend that we were talking about that left his job and now is making tons of money selling weed.
01:00:17.000
He's no shining light of psychedelic love.
1.00
01:00:25.000
What's cool is that place that's next to the ice house, you can actually rent a space and grow weed there.
01:00:31.000
And they give you all the chemicals and all the shit there.
0.99
01:00:34.000
So it's like a place where you just rent and grow your own shit.
1.00
01:00:38.000
Like community gardens, but only for weed gardens.
01:00:43.000
Yeah, we're going to have to have those guys come on the show.
1.00
01:00:58.000
I asked an owner I know of, would you break down everything?
01:01:02.000
No, I don't want to call that kind of attention to me.
01:01:04.000
Yeah, you don't want anybody looking at you as the target.
01:01:06.000
That guy from Oxardam in Oakland, he doesn't mind.
01:01:10.000
Yeah, but I mean, haven't they gone after him a bunch of times?
01:01:14.000
I think there's a big issue right now with what they're allowed to write off.
01:01:21.000
But they won't take taxes from the sale, I thought.
01:01:22.000
That's what we're just trying to make it legal so they can take taxes, but they don't already?
01:01:25.000
Well, they must be taking some taxes from medical weed.
01:01:28.000
I think it's a huge form of tax revenue, isn't it?
01:01:32.000
I know they said, on their own, they said, we're going to pay taxes.
01:01:44.000
Are they now paying tax because they have to, or are they just doing it because they volunteer?
01:01:53.000
Voters had to approve marijuana tax revenue measure.
01:01:57.000
60% of voters decided Tuesday to honor Measure M, a citywide ballot measure that imposes new taxes on the sales of medical marijuana at brick-and-mortar dispensaries.
01:02:15.000
$50 out of each $1,000 in gross reimbursements.
01:02:34.000
I think it's a marijuana, Los Angeles marijuana tax.
01:02:39.000
You're getting to make a fucking shitload of money and you're spreading that love.
0.99
01:02:46.000
Lower your prices a little bit, West Hollywood.
01:02:56.000
It's $75 for an eighth, and it's not that great.
01:03:05.000
And that shit puts you straight on the move.
1.00
01:03:11.000
Yeah, you bypass the stores, but I support the stores because I want to be able to go to them.
01:03:17.000
I know that if I go straight to the grower, you can get...
01:03:19.000
Your lungs support great weed, so that guy gives you on wholesale prices.
01:03:23.000
Yeah, I don't need to make that money that bad.
01:03:25.000
I would rather give that extra $100 or whatever to the store so that they can make some profit and they can keep open.
01:03:48.000
I thought they weren't allowed to make profit, but they were allowed to be like, all right, you're getting paid $30 an hour.
01:03:54.000
I think the way it goes is you're not allowed to make profit like a normal corporation would.
01:03:58.000
But the way you can do it is you can take a salary.
01:04:03.000
Say if you run the place, you can take a salary, which is commensurate for someone who would be in your type of business.
01:04:12.000
And the way Tom McCormick was telling me, one of the things that they do is, especially that Oaksterdam guy, They funnel a lot of the money back into the community in the source of charity, in the form of charity, in the form of grants.
01:04:24.000
They do a lot of different things with their money.
01:04:26.000
And the guy who runs it takes the salary, pays all the employees the salary, but you're not allowed to strictly get rich off it.
01:04:33.000
It's not like the guy who owns it can make 60% of the profits.
01:04:37.000
Yeah, this article said you can make as much as you want.
01:04:41.000
Well, that's not what McCormick was telling me.
01:04:45.000
He was telling me that you have to take a salary.
1.00
01:04:56.000
A few hundred thousand dollars a year, I'm sure.
0.90
01:04:58.000
I mean, if you were running some U-Haul fucking empire, which is dealing with the same amount of money or something, U-Haul's a terrible example, but you know what I'm saying?
0.94
01:05:10.000
A CEO for some big fucking company makes a lot of goddamn money.
0.99
01:05:14.000
If you're the CEO for some giant marijuana collective that's responsible for millions of dollars worth of business every year, you should be getting paid well, right?
1.00
01:05:31.000
There's not enough rules as far as, like, protecting the environment and too many rules when it comes to everything else.
01:05:45.000
Yeah, but this is the new thing all the kids are talking about.
01:05:56.000
It's got 3G built in, AT&T 3G. How's the back work?
01:05:59.000
The back just has a panel, and it's touch-sensitive.
01:06:14.000
I've only got to play with it a little bit today.
01:06:21.000
And what kind of games you get in this sucker?
0.93
01:06:25.000
They look like a home console video game, and you can do your Netflix on here.
01:06:29.000
And since it has 3G, you can do all the stuff that you can do on a tablet.
01:06:37.000
Yeah, you can do camera front and the back and everything.
01:06:40.000
Battery's about five and a half hours, six hours.
01:06:46.000
It comes out the 22nd, but you can buy an early version of it.
01:06:50.000
I ordered, they have an early, like for people that pre-ordered it, you can get it a week or so.
01:07:10.000
Medical marijuana profit is allowed under California law.
01:07:15.000
Fuck, I carry on the Wi-Fi here eventually.
1.00
01:07:19.000
But yeah, I'm doing a review on it at deskquad.tv.
01:07:24.000
I like it has 3G, and you don't have any contracts, so you can just pay as you go.
01:07:28.000
The camera's not that good, but the graphics, the screen's amazing.
01:07:33.000
could download any a lot a lot of the previous console so nowadays they're kind of switching to where you download your video games it's still buying to the store oh really yeah that makes sense so instead of so instead of getting a disk you just download it right and then you can delete it if you want to you can delete it and or whatever it would that the only name really get rid of this so you think just everything's gonna be in the cloud down like I like that though yeah I like my landline I don't want to cord this phone.
01:08:02.000
If I want to talk to you so bad, I'll do it right here.
01:08:08.000
iTunes just recently switched over to doing it right, where it shows you all the purchased songs that you've ever downloaded on iTunes.
01:08:22.000
Oh, are you allowed to talk about what happened...
01:08:37.000
I mean, he pretends that what he's doing is hiding marijuana all around town, and then he calls it a hunt for the edible.
01:08:50.000
It would be cute if you could handle it, but you can't handle it.
01:08:54.000
But coincidentally, I do live in a state where they could sell really small stuff all the time.
01:09:05.000
So, yeah, I've had them before where I had little scavenger hunts for this clearly fake, only tobacco product.
01:09:25.000
And you've been organizing this through Twitter?
01:09:30.000
Well, it's good that you're not using real pot because...
01:09:34.000
Some people who have fucking heart attacks and freak the fuck out did...
0.98
01:09:38.000
So usually I do them not in a specific type of place.
0.96
01:09:42.000
You know, I'll just do them somewhere, like, out.
01:09:52.000
They have their own security and they have regular police there too.
01:09:56.000
Well, I decided instead of hiding it like outside, like near a pillar or something, I figured there'd be less cameras, so I should go into a store and hide it there.
01:10:11.000
Grubby hippies looking for fucking free weed.
0.99
01:10:15.000
Like, what's it around that I can think of a clue for?
01:10:40.000
And I just saw a cop to my right and two securities to my left just standing there.
01:10:45.000
And I was like, I looked up and I was like, Oh, fuck.
1.00
01:11:01.000
Somebody's got to go inside right now and just let them know that I'm in trouble because they're going to have to find somebody really soon.
01:11:07.000
They've got like 40 minutes to find someone to headline nearby in Minneapolis.
01:11:24.000
But then the mall security was trying to say I couldn't go on.
01:11:30.000
And then Rick Brunson, the owner, had to get on the phone and start yelling at him.
1.00
01:11:38.000
How to fucking hide pot somewhere or hide fake pot?
1.00
01:11:44.000
It's like, you're not going to cost me a bunch of money in refunds and disappoint all those people because he wants to be a fucking moron.
1.00
01:12:01.000
You can't even do that in California because it's only legal with a license.
01:12:05.000
And you don't know if a kid's going to grab it.
01:12:09.000
It's decriminalized in California to a certain amount.
01:12:11.000
As long as you don't think you're distributing it.
01:12:13.000
Some people ask me, what happens when a 15-year-old gets it?
01:12:22.000
These kids who got him came the next day to the show.
01:12:32.000
What happened was the people who went to the underwear aisle of that store that I shouldn't say because that lady was pretty cool too.
1.00
01:12:41.000
I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was...
01:12:46.000
Please take down any mention of my store so I don't get in trouble.
01:12:51.000
I wanted to hire Elaine Bryant at a fat check store but I didn't think I could get in there without being noticed.
1.00
01:12:59.000
You look like somebody that would date a fat person.
0.99
01:13:04.000
Do you really think he looks like someone who did it?
01:13:11.000
Yeah, so the first people went and got it in the underwear aisle, and the next piece of people came in, and they couldn't find it, so they started tearing everything up, like, looking for it.
01:13:22.000
They let me off, like, five minutes before I had to go on.
01:13:25.000
Did you go on stage and immediately talk about it?
01:13:33.000
Yeah, Rick Brunson, he got on the phone with me.
01:13:35.000
They were like, he wants to talk to you on the phone because he was in Edmonton on his landline.
01:13:47.000
He goes, it's not going to be any problem at all.
01:13:52.000
I think if you've been running a comedy club as long as that guy's been...
01:14:03.000
That shit's super illegal in certain parts of this country.
1.00
01:14:07.000
And we don't realize it because, as we said here...
01:14:12.000
So your new thing is taking liquid acid and squirting it into the audience.
01:14:21.000
The best is I was standing there with security and some people came up for like the late show or something.
01:14:24.000
And they're like, oh, we brought something for you.
01:14:48.000
I kept looking at her, and I was like, you guys should come in.
01:14:53.000
I mean, I couldn't go fully, like, so when you get off, we should hang out.
01:15:03.000
Maybe she's starving for some intellectual conversation, a funny guy, great sense of humor.
01:15:10.000
Or maybe she was dating the other really nice cop guy, and then he would have thrown you in prison.
0.99
01:15:15.000
He probably fucks her every time they shoot somebody.
1.00
01:15:30.000
Man, I was like, you guys should have a good comment.
01:15:34.000
She knew that it was just something being an idiot.
1.00
01:15:37.000
The guy, mall cop, was trying to pretend like he was a badass, but he couldn't really keep it going that much.
1.00
01:15:42.000
And then the head of security was trying to really enforce the law.
01:15:53.000
What if somebody just showed up at the joint and said, this dirty Jew gave me this joint?
1.00
01:16:03.000
We're going to have Be Real from Cypress Hill on soon.
01:16:06.000
I've been going back and forth with him on Twitter.
01:16:12.000
One of the things about Be Real from Cypress Hill that he and I share is that he won't just take weed from strangers.
01:16:24.000
But the government's probably getting high with him too, and they're probably giving him some weed that's got little GPS signals in it.
01:16:34.000
I'm getting high off GPS. Oh, he's got those GPS crystals?
01:16:42.000
How long before they actually just spray you with some shit they can track you with?
0.99
01:16:47.000
They probably already have the capability.
0.99
01:16:51.000
Yeah, I mean, it's not hard to find you just through your Twitter.
01:16:56.000
Going to Joe's house, going to Burbank, I'm at the airport, shit.
1.00
01:17:03.000
Until you're in some sort of position where you might be trying to take over.
01:17:06.000
Can you imagine the kind of tapping they have on Ron Paul's information?
01:17:09.000
Yeah, he can't even order pizza without them breaking down the wording.
1.00
01:17:18.000
Isn't that amazing that they're so ignoring this Ron Paul cat and then pushing this Rick Santorum dude on everybody.
01:17:25.000
There's been evidence of voter fraud in Maine, by the way.
01:17:27.000
Ron Paul is supposed to be one in Maine, and before even all the precincts were counted, they were giving it to Santorum.
01:17:38.000
I would have liked to see Ron Paul win one state.
01:17:44.000
I really, absolutely, absolutely, truly believe it.
0.99
01:17:47.000
And I think these guys are just auditioning to be the CEO of a company where they're not even going to get a chance to say what the fuck gets to go on.
0.98
01:18:01.000
Look, they can do some Hollywood math on the numbers and have you convinced that we're in an economic upswing.
01:18:08.000
Yeah, he came in the wrong time and the world was fucked up when he got here and the country was fucked up.
0.98
01:18:14.000
But in the time that he's been here, he'll spin some fucking legislation that we've passed and help this and the economic stimulus and put us back on track.
0.98
01:18:23.000
That National Defense Authorization Act kills everything that he did.
01:18:28.000
That's that thing that allows people to be detained indefinitely with no warrants.
01:18:40.000
This is the first time on my radio station that comes on the news about the elections or the pre-elections, whatever they're having.
01:18:46.000
It just seems like when Newt Gingrich and Perry and Santorum and Mitt Romney, it seems like they keep...
01:18:53.000
And then, like, going back on, yeah, I did say this, but that's not what I believe now.
01:18:56.000
It just seems like little kids just saying whatever they can so they can get their prize.
01:19:02.000
But it's like, and Ron Paul's the only one who just says, well, this is what I believe.
01:19:06.000
Give me another one of those if you're good.
0.99
01:19:12.000
When they're afraid of going on the record for what they really believe if it's not popular.
01:19:20.000
It's like when you audition for a show that you hope you don't get.
01:19:23.000
Yeah, we're like, this sucks, but I'll make believe I like the sense of humor.
1.00
01:19:27.000
Rick Perry is so lucky he's dumb, because now he gets to live the rest of his life without Secret Service agents wiping his ass everywhere he goes.
0.99
01:19:33.000
Because if he won, and he could have fucking won, don't get me wrong, if that guy auditioned for the role of president just four years ago, and he was just coached a little bit better, and someone with a little hindsight, you get some smart dudes behind him.
1.00
01:19:51.000
He's no dumber than George Bush He's no dumber than GW He's just like an actress Yeah He's just to build your resume Yeah, build your resume Do it correctly Become popular at the right time Exactly He was popular at one point in time Do you remember?
01:20:02.000
It was like That guy was like He looked handsome He looked like fucking But I remember them talking about Obama At some like Democratic convention And they were like Ooh, he gave a really good speech People are going to look at him now He's like a presidential guy Yeah.
0.97
01:20:14.000
It's like having a really good game in the NBA All-Star game.
0.98
01:20:19.000
Yeah, and all of a sudden it's like, oh, watch out.
01:20:23.000
I remember my friend, who I will not name his name because he's a silly fucking liberal.
1.00
01:20:30.000
Not that there's anything wrong with being a liberal, but he's silly.
1.00
01:20:33.000
And when I say liberal, I'm very liberal in most of the things.
01:20:36.000
Most things like gay marriage and civil rights and most of those things.
01:20:40.000
You shouldn't be attached to everything, though.
01:20:45.000
And when you are, I think you're silly if you're a liberal by choice, in a category, predetermined pattern behavior you follow, or you're conservative.
0.98
01:20:55.000
But this guy was telling me what a great President Obama would make.
01:21:08.000
I go, do you even know anything the stuff this guy does or do you love him because he's a good looking black guy?
01:21:12.000
And you love like supporting a black guy because you got a little bit of white guilt.
01:21:18.000
Do you see that Howard Stern thing they did with the interview people and just messed up the facts?
01:21:23.000
Obama and McCain is running together against so-and-so who are you going to vote for?
01:21:29.000
Do you think he'd be a good president for Obama?
01:21:35.000
I'm trying to remember who that fuck that was.
1.00
01:22:04.000
Nick DiPaolo was quick to tell you to fuck yourself.
1.00
01:22:07.000
He immediately happened to wear a sweater or something, and he was like, oh, in case we all can't be Jeanine Garofalo.
1.00
01:22:16.000
Well, you kind of dress a little bit like a hipster.
01:22:18.000
If people didn't know you, they would totally think you're a hipster.
01:22:22.000
They would think I'm an alternative comic.
1.00
01:22:24.000
Until they hear your filthy, dirty mouth on stage.
1.00
01:22:26.000
Yeah, they would think you were an alternative.
1.00
01:22:31.000
It's so hard to be friends with an alternative comic and pretend that all that shit is funny.
0.99
01:22:37.000
There's some real good people that just go up in that scene and then vice versa.
01:22:55.000
But a lot of these dummies, it was like, you know what it was?
0.67
01:23:15.000
I'm just doing what they do on stage, like looking off in the distance, saying something mildly ironic.
01:23:30.000
You're not trying hard enough and your point of view sucks because it's not real.
0.96
01:23:35.000
You're just trying to fit into a mold that you think these little hipster twat heads are going to appreciate.
1.00
01:23:41.000
I saw Paul Tompkins talking about the state of alternative comedy.
01:23:46.000
The state is AIDS. He goes, it's really sucky right now.
01:23:49.000
It's AIDS. He goes, all these people trying to be alternative comics and sucky because they're trying to be this.
0.92
01:23:55.000
It's AIDS. It's AIDS. They all have AIDS. It's not funny.
01:24:00.000
It's like, the thing about the grossest thing...
01:24:02.000
That's the biggest problem with snottyness.
1.00
01:24:18.000
The bottom line is the need for alternative comedy was created because the ones who were trying to do it weren't successful in other rooms.
01:24:26.000
Whether it's because they were performing for dumb crowds or whether they were performing for people that didn't appreciate what they were doing, so they had to find people who did.
01:24:33.000
That's all well and good, but they became, in a lot of ways, not all of them, totally generalizing and pigeonholing.
0.50
01:24:42.000
Yeah, but they also became sort of comedy bullies.
0.99
01:24:46.000
If you hung around them, like Burt Kreischer has a terrible story about them being fucking shitty to him.
0.99
01:24:52.000
Over at the UC, whatever it is, UCB? Yeah.
0.99
01:24:58.000
When people are bullied, they want to bully back.
01:25:01.000
Children that are molested go on to become molesters.
01:25:10.000
You're like, whatever, just keep talking, stupid.
1.00
01:25:17.000
Yeah, I've done the UCB twice and then I had great crowds.
01:25:33.000
That's why everyone's against it because of those few cunts.
0.99
01:25:35.000
Yeah, same with cops, same with girls, same with guys, same with everything.
0.97
01:25:42.000
I hate it when a girl says I don't take comics anymore because all the comics have been bad.
01:25:45.000
I'm like, come on, wait, break it down because I'm not all of them.
0.90
01:25:58.000
But if they say they're needy, then I'm like, well, I'm not needy.
01:26:00.000
But if they say they can't commit, I'm like, oh, yeah, all right, that's fine.
01:26:04.000
Yeah, well, isn't that like what all women want, Ari Shaffir?
1.00
01:26:09.000
They all want to know that you're going to be there for them.
01:26:11.000
They all want you to listen to their highlight reel.
01:26:17.000
Dating a comic and you have to help them with their act.
01:26:21.000
There's nothing more of a turn off than a girl going over her bits with you.
1.00
01:26:25.000
Anyone going over their bits with you is horrible.
01:26:35.000
Meanwhile, your dick is like a headache in your pants.
1.00
01:26:46.000
I start telling them now, I am not going to help you with your act.
01:26:52.000
Thematically you're doing that I can see a fix for.
01:26:59.000
Like, just give you suggestions of, like, directions to go.
01:27:06.000
Doesn't the bit seem too verbose or something like that?
01:27:12.000
If you're being objective about your shit, which you always have to be anyway.
0.99
01:27:14.000
Well, somebody tells you, like, yeah, they saw that.
0.99
01:27:16.000
I'm like, do you think, yeah, don't you think in there it needs a little something?
01:27:23.000
You know when something needs something if you're being really honest about it, right?
01:27:27.000
They're like, well, have you ever thought about going from there into your family right there?
01:27:34.000
They're just like an angle you didn't think you took.
01:27:38.000
Yeah, I had this King Kong bit that I was doing and Louis C.K. pulled me aside.
01:27:44.000
He goes, you should say that King Kong is this really cunty wife too.
0.98
01:27:47.000
And do this whole thing about King Kong's gunty wife.
1.00
01:27:52.000
Why this whole thing about King Kong being the most racist movie ever?
0.98
01:27:56.000
That he was around these naked black women his entire life.
1.00
01:28:00.000
He saw one white chick in a dress and lost his fucking mind and had to have her.
1.00
01:28:10.000
They were naked, tits hanging out, drums playing, fire dancing and shit.
1.00
01:28:16.000
And he's like, yeah, King Kong should have a really cunty wife.
0.99
01:28:20.000
That was why he was still married, though.
0.62
01:28:28.000
Cunty wife holds him back and keeps him from being funny.
1.00
01:28:50.000
Could you even fucking imagine if you guys just swapped back and forth?
01:28:55.000
And you're like, look, I know you left me before, but I wasn't the man that I am now.
0.86
01:29:02.000
It was totally cool back then when you went with Duncan.
01:29:05.000
It was totally cool if you just go right back to me because that's where you belong.
1.00
01:29:09.000
And then as soon as you pull out, you nut it right in her eyes and say, fuck it.
1.00
01:29:15.000
I've been waiting for five years to do this!
1.00
01:29:19.000
And you give her double fingers while you're naked!
1.00
01:29:25.000
Got back with a girl, pretended to be in love with her just so they could shoot a load on her.
0.57
01:29:31.000
You ever see that old movie called The Heiress?
1.00
01:29:34.000
Yeah, it's about this girl who got jilted and she just waits to get revenge for like decades.
01:29:42.000
I have girls that I wait on just to fuck, like Megan Fox and Lindsay Lohan.
1.00
01:29:46.000
I think in like 12 years, they would probably be doable.
1.00
01:29:59.000
We talked about her back in the last show, about how crazy it was.
01:30:05.000
Grace Under 5. That guy has just been around forever, just churning out the hits.
01:30:12.000
There was always the rumor on the set that she had done some crazy thing, threw a drink in his face, had some memes at him.
01:30:31.000
Like somebody offers a sponsor to this and you're like, that doesn't go with what I do at all.
01:30:41.000
Yeah, I'll kill your show before it goes to syndication.
1.00
01:30:43.000
If you're going to be a complete asshole to me, then yeah, I'm not going to work for you.
1.00
01:30:45.000
They killed Titus' show before it goes to syndication.
1.00
01:30:51.000
I talked about a few times that no one could remember it.
01:30:55.000
It was about a monkey monkey that was president.
01:31:00.000
No, no, no That's you think of mr. Smith goes to Washington or Hollywood Well, sure this is a TV show and somebody uploaded a like five-second commercial on YouTube the other day And so I finally okay So I finally found, I have a screenshot of the monkey, so I don't know if I'm going crazy.
01:31:20.000
It's an orangutan, but this is what it looked like.
01:31:23.000
He was the president, and he was some kind of animated, or like Muppet, realistic Muppet type, ALF type thing.
01:31:37.000
That sounds like when NBC went to 7.30 primetime.
01:31:46.000
And they were all way worse than a regular sitcom.
0.99
01:31:52.000
Here, I want to read this about the cannabis thing.
01:31:57.000
There's a widely held misconception that businesses in California medical cannabis industry are prohibited from making a profit.
01:32:02.000
In reality, no California law prohibits cannabis-related businessmen from making a profit.
01:32:11.000
However, have done a massive job spreading disinformation since SB 420 was signed into law in 2003. The disinformation has become so prevalent that it is affecting safe access to medical cannabis patients...
01:32:24.000
Okay, and it resulted in State Senator John whatever releasing a letter debunking the widely held misconception that profit is not permitted from medical cannabis providers under California law.
01:32:40.000
Why would you smoke something that came out of that thing's ass?
1.00
01:32:43.000
The liquid looks so trippy that I'm like, I wonder if this would do anything.
0.99
01:32:56.000
It probably had a miscarriage right there on your floor.
01:33:11.000
You have like one of those porch entries, right?
01:33:12.000
Where it goes over, where you can stay in the rain.
01:33:29.000
Can you imagine if you got an operation to have your balls always in the shape of a heart?
0.99
01:33:34.000
Like there was a new thing, and women wanted you to do it, to show them that you really cared, and you would just get your balls tucked into a heart shape.
1.00
01:33:42.000
There was like a little plastic V implant that they would put in at the bottom of your ball sack.
0.62
01:33:47.000
So it would just look like a heart at all times.
01:33:51.000
I always wonder why belly buttons never got extended or changed in any way.
0.99
01:33:59.000
Yeah, the belly button nobody really touches.
0.97
01:34:00.000
Sometimes they get belly button rings, people.
0.97
01:34:01.000
You can get an implant on your balls with a wire frame that was in the shape of your heart.
0.83
01:34:06.000
Like those old ladies' dresses from the cold days where they had to proof them out.
0.98
01:34:12.000
Like the bat wing over the balls and spread it out.
1.00
01:34:15.000
Your fucking balls are already super vulnerable.
1.00
01:34:17.000
If somebody kicks you in the balls and you have an implant in there, it's going to even hurt anymore.
1.00
01:34:22.000
But there's so much extra skin you can do stuff with there.
0.98
01:34:27.000
The guy who got fucked to death by the horse.
0.99
01:34:31.000
Like a fucking notebook binder of rings coming off his horse.
1.00
01:34:38.000
It'd be way easier to get girls to suck on them.
0.99
01:34:46.000
If there's an excuse to take your dick out.
1.00
01:34:47.000
If a girl who would suck on your balls will suck on your balls, period.
1.00
01:34:49.000
You definitely increase the odds of it happening.
1.00
01:34:50.000
If a girl won't suck on your balls, you really shouldn't be with her.
1.00
01:35:01.000
My girlfriend loves it, but it tickles me.
1.00
01:35:09.000
Yeah, and he would say, like, either they're going to do this or they're not.
1.00
01:35:20.000
There's girls who you can't come in their mouth.
1.00
01:35:24.000
While I was married, Allie was walking by, and, um, and, uh, We were pretending.
0.99
01:35:33.000
And we're trying to convince this one girl to, like, no, it's totally normal.
1.00
01:35:39.000
And then Alan walked by and pretended, like, oh, really?
01:35:58.000
So she starts blowing you in front of everybody.
0.84
01:36:03.000
I was going to try to convince this girl that it's totally normal.
01:36:47.000
That it's been five years since I quit going to the store.
01:36:54.000
Yeah, because when all that stuff happened, I had someone else.
01:37:13.000
It's just like, you know, she didn't want to do whatever she was doing anymore.
01:37:17.000
But then she started saying that she came to a sermon with me, and I'm like, stop it.
01:37:27.000
Super smart people like the Jesus all the time.
01:37:41.000
I mean, if it was real, goddammit, wouldn't it be beautiful?
01:37:50.000
But they're not lying to you when they say that.
01:37:55.000
Then it's like, I'm happy for you if you're happy.
01:38:04.000
They get wild and they like blow guys at the comedy store in front of people.
01:38:11.000
That's fun if you're around people who think it's fun.
01:38:15.000
But if you're not and you get judged by enough people who don't think that shit is funny, and if you're the type of person who does wild shit and tries to be funny and tries to have a good time and is a little impulsive, people will fucking judge you to the point where you start to think that your morals are really questionable and you're a fucked up person.
1.00
01:38:36.000
And if you hear that enough and you don't have a support system behind you, you'll crack.
1.00
01:38:48.000
You're very, very intelligent, very educated, very well-read.
01:38:51.000
And you're around her all the time, so you're having intelligent conversations with her.
01:38:56.000
And if people don't have that in their life, if all of a sudden they get cut off from that...
01:39:00.000
And everyone's just telling you, don't do this, don't do that.
1.00
01:39:03.000
And you're around a giant swarm of moron influence and moron information.
1.00
01:39:09.000
I was talking to those people in Minneapolis, and they were like, what would you rather have?
1.00
01:39:12.000
A... Virgin who's not good at sex or someone who's very good at sex but has had sex with a lot of people.
0.98
01:39:17.000
I'm like, definitely the one who's had sex with a lot of people.
0.98
01:39:20.000
But then you know she's had sex with people.
1.00
01:39:36.000
She's like, ew, I don't want you sweating on me.
0.98
01:39:57.000
Yeah, you definitely want to go with the slut.
1.00
01:40:01.000
The problem with a girl who's had sex with a lot of people is a lot of times they feel bad about it.
01:40:05.000
Or they've done it because there's some underlying issue.
01:40:08.000
Anyone that's been around a little bit just seems like they're cool with sex.
01:40:13.000
We'll have sex when we feel like having sex.
1.00
01:40:16.000
And I'm just saying, the occasional bomb, the occasional one out of ten that starts crying ruins all the rest of the fun girls.
01:40:27.000
That's too bad because everybody wants to fuck her.
1.00
01:40:31.000
She's just like, a minute and a half, I'm done.
01:40:34.000
She seems super uncomfortable about a lot of shit, though.
0.99
01:40:38.000
She's super aggressive, real competitive, loves her dog, holds onto the dog.
1.00
01:40:46.000
I saw her at Sarah Tiana's birthday last night, and she didn't have her dog, so I'm looking around in her purse.
01:40:54.000
She changes and gets dressed down before she goes on stage.
0.98
01:40:58.000
She doesn't want to get judged by anybody looking at her or anything like that.
01:41:02.000
She puts on a loose t-shirt and jeans and floppy jeans.
01:41:04.000
And then she goes back to the car, gets into nice clothes, attractive clothes, and then goes out with her girlfriends.
1.00
01:41:09.000
I love sending her pictures of just random black dicks out of nowhere.
1.00
01:41:16.000
She might be saving them up in a portfolio for when you start getting rich.
1.00
01:41:29.000
It's not sexual harassment if you just do it to a person, right?
01:41:36.000
In comics to comics, I think you're safe doing that.
1.00
01:41:40.000
You would think, but I don't think it works that way, dude.
01:41:42.000
The employee handbook for the La Jolla Comedy Store said, like, you cannot say anything of a racial manner to another employee.
01:41:48.000
You cannot say anything of a sexual manner to another employee.
01:41:52.000
But then he goes, with that being said, you will hear from on stage some of the worst imaginable language from any human.
01:42:00.000
You still can't act like that to other employees.
01:42:02.000
You'll hear horribly things saying, super racist, super sexist, like every night.
01:42:07.000
If you work there and you're like a waiter and you try to be as funny as the comedians to your staff.
01:42:24.000
Do you hear what happened today in West Hollywood?
01:42:28.000
This is what I heard on the way here, so I don't know what the full story is, but this guy started walking around these houses and kicking people's doors in and yelling, and then he kicked somebody's door down and then caught the house on fire and shot three people.
01:42:43.000
Yeah, like two 38-year-old women and a 34-year-old guy.
01:42:51.000
He started kicking people's door down somewhere near Melrose.
0.99
01:42:55.000
And then he just started fucking shooting people and then caught some house on fire.
0.99
01:43:00.000
But they were still figuring it out while I was driving here.
01:43:08.000
No, he killed him with a hatchet and then blew the house up.
0.87
01:43:18.000
I thought he just lit it all on fire to have to burn it up.
01:43:21.000
What he did was the social worker came that was supposed to babysit him while he was with the kids.
01:43:29.000
He grabs them, pulls them in, pushes the guy out, kills the kids with a hammer.
01:43:33.000
door he smells gas and then the uh the guy who kills the kids with a hatchet rather it blows up the house and kills all of them because if he can't have no one can i don't know what the reason i think he lost custody he killed the wife he killed he had killed the wife yeah he killed the wife and he was under suspicion of it and while he was under suspicion they found uh pornography questionable pornography on his computer questionable I heard what it was was child porn.
01:43:56.000
That just proves he didn't love his wife because he had porn?
0.88
01:44:11.000
Do you know that Jerry Sandusky was trying to gain the right to go onto his back porch?
01:44:17.000
Yeah, and while he was there, he was looking at...
01:44:26.000
That wasn't even part of the beginning part of the story?
01:44:31.000
He wants a chance to see his grandkids so he can have one more before he goes away.
1.00
01:44:35.000
It's so crazy that that guy got as far as he got.
01:44:38.000
When you hear him talk about it, it's scary as fuck.
0.99
01:44:56.000
I think he might be struggling with it really hard.
01:45:00.000
Well, they say that almost everybody that is in that sort of a situation got molested when they were young.
01:45:12.000
Isn't it nuts that you can imprint that into a child's mind?
1.00
01:45:18.000
There's a lot of people that get molested that don't wind up doing that.
01:45:20.000
It's like people who are around when their father beats their mother.
01:45:24.000
Some people, they grow up to beat their wife as well.
0.81
01:45:27.000
It becomes, or if your parents beat you, you beat your kids.
01:45:33.000
They're like, there's no way I'd ever hit my kids.
01:45:36.000
When I got molested by that babysitter, she was hot, and I loved it.
1.00
01:45:42.000
Like 10 or 11. And she was a chick and she was pretty?
1.00
01:45:47.000
There's such a difference between a guy doing that to a little kid and a girl doing that to a little kid.
01:45:55.000
I wouldn't want to come home and some fucking hot chick is blowing a 10-year-old boy.
1.00
01:46:01.000
That would be fucked up, and you would have to call the cops and everything, but man, it would be...
0.98
01:46:05.000
The only thing that would be traumatic is the poor guy would probably be in love with her.
0.99
01:46:15.000
Yeah, I'm friends with her on Facebook because I hunted her down.
01:46:32.000
You can tweet it just a picture, but don't tweet her name.
01:46:44.000
It sounded reasonable, too, and it came out of your mouth.
01:46:46.000
I was like, yeah, I was like, oh, wait, no, that's all of it.
01:47:09.000
I enjoyed hanging out with all the Fear Factor people.
01:47:11.000
There's a fucking awesome group of people, but I'd rather do my own thing, even though it was great money.
0.90
01:47:20.000
It was good, but the reality is I enjoy working for the UFC and doing comedy a hundred times more.
01:47:31.000
I loved all the people and worked with them again, but...
01:47:33.000
The difference between the enjoyment you get of doing something that you really love doing and the enjoyment, it's still a badass job.
1.00
01:47:44.000
I have in the past and it sounds really douchey.
01:47:48.000
No one can really understand that you get complacent with it like you start expecting that kind of money once you get it.
01:47:53.000
It was fun because the people that I worked with were fun.
01:47:55.000
And the cast, the contestants this year were awesome.
01:48:08.000
It was hard for them to get advertisers for it.
01:48:10.000
Damn, you should have aired that donkey one.
0.99
01:48:23.000
Some dude, she's wearing sunglasses indoors.
0.91
01:48:37.000
If you catch that in the Midwest, that's totally fine.
0.71
01:48:42.000
She's like a black belt in karate or something like that.
0.65
01:48:45.000
You should kick your ass and suck your dick.
1.00
01:48:55.000
Yeah, because I'll see you Friday night at the Ice House in Pasadena.
01:49:00.000
Show's at 10 o'clock and go to icehousecomedy.com.
01:49:08.000
Yeah, and Doug Pound, DJ Doug Pound from Tim and Eric.
01:49:11.000
I'm going to try to get Arch Barker to come down as well because he just said that he's there Friday night until Monday afternoon.
01:49:16.000
Maybe I'll get him to come early and we'll do a podcast with him before the Ice House.
01:49:25.000
And Ice House Chronicles, what we do is, the Ice House shows are some of my favorite shows ever.
01:49:38.000
And what we do is we start the show and we start a podcast just a little bit before the show.
01:49:42.000
And then people just run back, do a set, and then come back and hang out.
0.99
01:49:51.000
The last one, I got so fucking high from that weed.
0.98
01:49:56.000
I was shaking, and then Brody was supposed to be on in front of me.
01:49:59.000
He's like, I can't, Brody's like, I can't go up.
01:50:01.000
And I'm like, either can I? And I'm like, I've never been to Stone before.
01:50:09.000
Oh, you can go up totally high if you know your interior.
01:50:16.000
She wrote, had this right to support, and she kept professing, and then she got high and wrote it, and she was like, that's so long.
01:50:22.000
But the next morning, it was a terrible report.
01:50:29.000
Blair was kind of hot but a little chubby.
1.00
01:50:33.000
I'm sure they had network heads going, listen, you need you to eat less right now.
01:50:43.000
I gotta watch that show again with them in mind as just young, young women in a boarding house.
1.00
01:50:48.000
And how much were they fucking on the side?
0.99
01:50:51.000
It's probably hard for a woman who's in a position like that where they become super, super successful.
1.00
01:50:56.000
It's probably hard for them to find mates.
0.99
01:50:58.000
If a woman is making a ton of money, like a Jennifer Aniston type woman, she's dating some regular dude now, right?
1.00
01:51:06.000
It's hard to get someone to look at you as a regular person.
01:51:09.000
Well, not only that, man, I think for women, it's like a normal thing for the man to be more successful than the woman.
01:51:15.000
And when the woman is like way more successful than the man, I think it gets sketchy.
0.99
01:51:20.000
I was in some waiting room at some dentist or something, and I saw a magazine with the one hot chick from, or not the one hot chick, but from the Desperate Housewives.
01:51:35.000
The one who's just slightly less hot than even Longoria.
01:51:47.000
Terri Hatcher would be a shit if they just put her in one of those shows.
1.00
01:51:51.000
But she said from now on she's never going to let herself pay for a date.
01:52:02.000
Yeah, I'm like, what do you mean you have so much more money to make?
01:52:07.000
You have to buy her dinner and then beg her for sex.
1.00
01:52:16.000
Yeah, you'd have to be like some Brad Pitt type dude to stimulate a woman like that.
0.62
01:52:21.000
You'd have to be like someone even more famous than her, or even more powerful than her.
01:52:27.000
I mean, people would say, you're fucking ridiculous.
1.00
01:52:32.000
There is a certain chimpanzee logic to it.
0.99
01:52:40.000
Like our friend, for instance, who will remain nameless, who recently left his girl, who will also remain nameless, and he was in the beta position during the entire relationship.
01:52:53.000
Women like that always complain that the dude doesn't have any money.
1.00
01:52:58.000
All of his other relationships, when he was the alpha, it doesn't work either.
01:53:11.000
Check out the information for all the upcoming shows.
01:53:21.000
Powerful R. Shafir will be with me at Brea, California.
01:54:04.000
There's a comedy store in there in Japan or something like that.
01:54:07.000
If you want to go to the comedy store, we'll go and...
01:54:15.000
Ari and I, we had some real Brazilian chuhascaria.
0.99
01:54:28.000
I was just walking on the beach and they sell those coconuts for two or three L's or whatever and they just chop it open and give you a straw.
01:54:34.000
You know, they sell that here in Los Angeles as fruit stands.
01:54:38.000
They have coconuts in there and they just chop it up and give you a straw.
01:54:43.000
By the way, me and Joey Diaz are in Columbus, Ohio.
01:54:47.000
I think it's the weekend, Yeah, they asked for me and Joey.
01:55:07.000
Some woman came up to him and said she wanted to book me and Joey.
1.00
01:55:16.000
We're also doing maybe Scully's on Ohio State campus, or we might do Cleveland.
1.00
01:55:25.000
The Funny Bone in Columbia is an awesome fucking club.
0.98
01:55:28.000
It's one of the great clubs in the country as far as how it's low and tight.
0.99
01:55:35.000
All right, so that's all that information.
0.99
01:55:40.000
Well, on March 15th, I'm doing Easton, Maryland at the Avalon Theater.
0.98
01:55:44.000
Do you have a website where everybody can see all your dates if they don't remember this?
01:55:57.000
I'll be in Addison on April 12th to the 15th at the Addison Improv.
01:56:07.000
Addison apparently was the one city in Dallas back in the olden days where you could drink.
1.00
01:56:19.000
They used to have weird laws about the city of Dallas, but Addison was where you could go to drink and smoke.
01:56:25.000
I think you might still be able to smoke in the club.
01:56:31.000
Even though I hate cigarettes, I also like personal freedom.
01:56:37.000
That's the one where it infringes on other people.
0.97
01:56:40.000
Well, the real issue is for people who work there.
0.96
01:56:43.000
But it's also, there's something about girls that smoke.
1.00
01:56:47.000
Yeah, you just know that they make decisions that don't matter.
1.00
01:56:53.000
They're throwing cigarettes out the window, and they're not even thinking about where it goes.
01:56:59.000
They're not thinking about what's going in there.
1.00
01:57:01.000
They're not thinking about that stinky dick.
0.99
01:57:03.000
Obviously not 100% of the time, but it helps your odds.
0.99
01:57:09.000
You see a girl with red nail polish, and she's chewing gum.
0.91
01:57:12.000
And she spits her gum out into the bushes and then lights a cigarette.
1.00
01:57:18.000
And you're like, hey, so what are we doing later?
1.00
01:57:22.000
She's just living for momentary little blips of thrills.
0.99
01:57:28.000
If you're interested in coming to the Ice House, go to, what is it?
01:57:32.000
Icehousecomedy.com and search for Joe Rogan or Death Squad.
01:57:39.000
And Matt and Mark, we're going to do a fuckload of dates there.
01:58:00.000
And while they were doing it, she was going, You're going to tell your friends.
01:58:15.000
Here he is, sobering up while he's half-hard inside of her.
01:58:19.000
And she's going, you're going to tell your friends.
01:58:26.000
I saw a girl walk across that old, what was that old room that they don't have anymore?
0.92
01:58:32.000
Walked all the way across the room, like outside there.
1.00
01:58:38.000
She was going to the bathroom, but she stopped and came to me.
1.00
01:58:39.000
She goes, you're a wicked pissy funny or whatever crap.
1.00
01:58:54.000
You know, that girl I used to date from Texas, Jessica, she would have the thickest, when I first met her, the thickest accent.
0.99
01:59:10.000
I bet when she went home to visit, it came back a little stronger, right?
01:59:24.000
The manlier areas where the men are manly, who's manlier than Texas dudes?
1.00
01:59:29.000
It's like big belt buckles and fucking trucks.
1.00
01:59:33.000
You know, whereas you get to San Francisco, you get chicks that want to fucking stuff a Birkenstock up your ass and scream at you because, you know, you don't want to give them the right to choose.
1.00
01:59:42.000
Obviously, these are generalizations, folks.
0.99
01:59:47.000
It's impossible for girls in Texas to even roll their eyes.
1.00
01:59:54.000
Go to higherprimate.com if you're interested in monkeys and weed and psychedelics.
02:00:07.000
Old stuff that you're not going to sell much anymore.
02:00:19.000
You know, because they have the old last year's t-shirt, it's 50% off.
02:00:23.000
We should do a Joe Rogan Experience podcast t-shirt by this dude.
02:00:27.000
Worldwide Sweatpants, whatever the fuck his name is.
0.99
02:00:33.000
But Maxwell did a great job with the Chicago posters, too.
02:00:35.000
Yeah, have this guy do a t-shirt, but that's your 2012 t-shirt.
02:00:46.000
You changed him just to fuck Monkey Todd over.
1.00
02:00:59.000
Don't fucking build heroes out of nowhere.
0.96
02:01:09.000
We started this new drink at the comedy store.
0.96
02:01:25.000
But then we thought that just wouldn't catch on enough.
02:01:31.000
So now it's just going to be, hey, you know what they originally called this?
02:01:36.000
And so that's a drink that they sell at the store now?
02:01:41.000
Only the front bar would know about it, and I guess the back bar.
0.97
02:01:43.000
Well, if you order it, though, someone could ask someone.
02:01:46.000
If you're there, if you're working, they could order it.
02:01:50.000
Anytime the front bar is open, they all know now.
02:01:58.000
That'd be badass if we were in Vegas a couple years from now.
02:02:00.000
We ordered Temple of Dooms and everybody knew what it was.
02:02:13.000
But for sure we will have an Ice House Chronicles.
02:02:17.000
to what for Insight Time or do like a run of the cities oh one night in each city they might send you who are the people that we worked with my agent oh your agent I don't know if he's talking A-list he's talking to oh that's cool isn't that the people that we worked with when we were there I'm not sure is it yeah I'm pretty sure that'd be cool oh yeah Kylie yeah yeah they were great Yeah, Australia's awesome, man.
02:02:38.000
For those asking about the UFC in Australia, I'm not going.
02:02:47.000
I'm doing only the ones that are on pay-per-view and the Fox ones.
02:02:54.000
Jake Ellenberger and Diego Sanchez went to war.
0.99
02:03:00.000
You should do one of those drunk casts now that you're not going to do them.
02:03:17.000
And we're not going to do it illegal, you fuckhead.
1.00
02:03:29.000
I'd rather pay for it, like a goddamn good citizen.
0.99
02:03:37.000
Oh, the guys who sent us the super cool bong, if you're interested in it, go to jetwaterpipes.com.
02:03:57.000
A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. I got really high for this one.
0.99
02:04:08.000
What can we tell you that hasn't already been said, folks?
02:04:13.000
There's a few of you that are pretty fucked up, and you need to go to...
1.00
02:04:17.000
No, just get a flashlight from Joe Rogan's website.
1.00
02:04:26.000
Oh, Aubrey, formerly known as Chris, the artist formerly known as Chris, is going there soon.
02:04:34.000
He's going to come back and tell us everything.
02:04:57.000
And that's, by the way, that's pretentious enough.
02:04:59.000
And it's only because I'm a huge Jimi Hendrix fan.
02:05:05.000
Thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our program.
0.99
02:05:08.000
If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name Rogan.
02:05:23.000
That's O-N-N-I-T. And if you go to JoeRogan.net and see the link for AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement that I took to be so smooth.
02:05:44.000
Yeah, he's the guy that did all of Hunter Thompson's artwork.
02:05:54.000
Oh, I should say the name of this fucking guy because I keep forgetting.
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02:05:58.000
The guy who did the thing behind Brian, I know his name.
02:06:07.000
Also, we have 5,000 new podcasts I just put up.
02:06:11.000
We got new Brian Callen, which has an awesome...
02:06:16.000
Oh, if you want to watch the best podcast that we do, it's the Ice House Chronicles.
02:06:19.000
It's as far as fun, and that's also available on the Death Squad label only.
02:06:32.000
Desquad.tv Go to iTunes and subscribe to Desquad.
02:06:36.000
Last 24 hours to vote for me for that web shorty show.
02:06:44.000
Grant Grand is the name of this dude who made this awesome fucking collage.
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02:06:54.000
Fucking, just all kinds of cool designs and all sorts of weird shit that he incorporated in there.
0.99
02:07:03.000
Oh, Tripoli and Tebow, I'm here starting a sports podcast next week on Tuesday.
02:07:19.000
Entering the code name ROGAN. It's 10% off from now on every order.
02:07:32.000
Hey man, did you know that Steve Novella criticized your scientific report?
02:07:36.000
We corrected everything he critiqued and we actually hired a scientific advisor.
02:07:53.000
You are the accumulation of all your life's experiences.
02:07:56.000
And from now on, be the best person you possibly can be.
0.97
02:07:59.000
The funniest, the coolest, have your shit together, be the hero in your own story.
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02:08:16.000
I'm thinking of buying a giant chunk of land near a lake and we all build houses there.
0.99
02:08:25.000
So we'll loan the land, and then I'll allow all my friends to come and build houses.
02:08:29.000
Let's just have some badass houses on this piece of property.
1.00
02:08:33.000
And if we hear the incoming soon, we're like, hey, you want to go over there and do it?
02:08:36.000
I would be willing to do Fear Factor for one more season, just for the money for that.
02:08:40.000
You're willing to do Fairfactor anyway for one more time.
02:08:49.000
Support Ari Shafir by going to AriTheGreat.com and by...
0.99
02:08:55.000
Subscribing to his podcast, which is Ari Shafir's Skeptic Tank, which is only available on iTunes and AriTheGreat.com.
02:09:05.000
And do you have the Raw MP3 available on your website?
02:09:09.000
So if someone has a fucking Zune or something, they can download it?
0.97
02:09:12.000
Yeah, you don't have to be like, it doesn't have...
02:09:14.000
Yeah, you don't have to go to iTunes or any of those things.
02:09:18.000
It can't get any nicer and smoother and easier.
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02:09:19.000
When are you going to do a fucking visual version of it like this for Ustream?
0.95
02:09:27.000
Did you have a really good one recently when you interviewed a hooker?
0.96
02:09:31.000
I heard a lot of good stuff about that one.
0.93
02:09:37.000
40. Folks, tomorrow night we'll see you at the Ice House in Pasadena.