The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #188

00:00:00.000 Sorry, sorry, sorry.

00:00:01.000 It's a lot of people I have to communicate with.

00:00:03.000 We already started, Joe.

00:00:04.000 Here we go, you dirty bitch.

00:00:05.000 No, how dare you?

00:00:06.000 Did you really?

00:00:06.000 We said go.

00:00:07.000 Hold on.

00:00:07.000 Here we go.

00:00:08.000 Here we go.

00:00:09.000 Comma.

00:00:09.000 This is how slow I type.

00:00:10.000 You dirty bitches.

00:00:12.000 And you know why I type so bad?

00:00:13.000 It's because I don't want to admit that I need glasses.

00:00:16.000 Yeah.

00:00:16.000 Fucking, I need reading glasses.

00:00:18.000 I have old man eyes.

00:00:20.000 No.

00:00:20.000 HTTP. And people say, Joe, do you write all those crazy lines before the action?

00:00:26.000 Yeah, I do that all myself.

00:00:27.000 I'm like a coder, bro.

00:00:30.000 This is like sneakers.

00:00:32.000 Oh my god, sneakers reference.

00:00:33.000 That's great.

00:00:34.000 Whoa, how did you bust that out?

00:00:36.000 I know, you guys.

00:00:36.000 Look, I have a lot going for me.

00:00:40.000 You do have a lot going for you.

00:00:42.000 We're going to get to that.

00:00:43.000 Reference-wise.

00:00:45.000 Do you have any flashlights at your house, Amy?

00:00:47.000 Dude, this is a commercial.

00:00:49.000 He's easing into it.

00:00:51.000 I have zero flashlights.

00:00:52.000 Are you guys promoting flashlights or flashlights?

00:00:55.000 Flashlights.

00:00:55.000 Oh, that's nice.

00:00:56.000 Well, it's one of our sponsors.

00:00:58.000 I have no use for that.

00:00:58.000 It's very embarrassing.

00:00:59.000 I've got my own situation.

00:01:01.000 Yeah, that's a totally different groove.

00:01:03.000 If I'm ever craving a pocket pussy, like I've got one.

00:01:05.000 Well, the tuck and pull method of the fleshlight where you take the actual fleshlight out of it and it's like this big fleshy thing and you tuck it inside of you and then you pull it out slowly and it feels really good.

00:01:15.000 It's kind of like anal beads for your vagina and it's the second use of the fleshlight.

00:01:19.000 But you want to make sure you don't tuck the whole thing in there because it could probably get stuck.

00:01:22.000 Tell me less.

00:01:23.000 Fascinating.

00:01:24.000 Tell me less.

00:01:25.000 Amy Schumer being silly goose.

00:01:28.000 We have two commercials.

00:01:29.000 This is what we do.

00:01:29.000 One of them is for the Fleshlight that really is a sponsor for our podcast.

00:01:32.000 Do you have one here?

00:01:33.000 No, I'm sorry.

00:01:34.000 I would have brought you one if I thought you were curious.

00:01:36.000 I thought there was a gift bag situation.

00:01:38.000 I should start hooking that up, right?

00:01:39.000 I had a boyfriend ask me if I'd be into him getting that and I was like, I don't see how that would benefit me at all.

00:01:46.000 Oh, why?

00:01:47.000 Maybe so you could watch him fuck something else if you were crazy?

00:01:50.000 Yeah, I was like, I'm cool.

00:01:52.000 You could just fuck me.

00:01:53.000 Maybe he could just fuck that thing and you spit on him.

00:01:55.000 Maybe that's what he's looking for.

00:01:56.000 Maybe that's what he wanted, yeah.

00:01:57.000 You piss on him.

00:01:58.000 Do you need me to make more time for us or what's happening?

00:02:00.000 Smack him in the face while he's doing it.

00:02:02.000 Yeah.

00:02:02.000 He wasn't like that kind of a dude, but I wouldn't mind that.

00:02:06.000 You never know.

00:02:07.000 I tried to find out.

00:02:08.000 Yeah.

00:02:11.000 Anyway, if you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:02:20.000 And our sponsor forever, from the beginning of the podcast, when we were scrubs.

00:02:23.000 This is like we've come so far.

00:02:25.000 Yeah, look at you.

00:02:26.000 We have a room.

00:02:27.000 We have an actual space now with cameras.

00:02:30.000 But from the beginning of the podcast, these guys were with us when nobody was watching, listening, whatever.

00:02:35.000 You're so grateful.

00:02:37.000 They remain our sponsor.

00:02:38.000 They're cool.

00:02:39.000 And it's a good product.

00:02:41.000 Even though it sounds embarrassing.

00:02:42.000 Do you love it?

00:02:43.000 It's a good product.

00:02:43.000 I don't love it.

00:02:44.000 I like it.

00:02:45.000 I like it.

00:02:46.000 I'm not going to complain about it.

00:02:47.000 It's a good inanimate object, but I don't feel love for it.

00:02:50.000 That would be creepy.

00:02:51.000 That would be like a Twilight Zone.

00:02:53.000 I feel like it's possible.

00:02:54.000 Those real dolls, you know, have you seen those where they have communities of real dolls?

00:02:58.000 Absolutely.

00:02:59.000 And dudes like get their real dolls together and like, hey man, my girl likes your girl.

00:03:02.000 I didn't know that happened, but...

00:03:04.000 I made fun of it on my website once in a blog and then some guy emailed me his reality.

00:03:11.000 You know, as to why he has this.

00:03:13.000 Oh, no.

00:03:13.000 It's, like, really sad.

00:03:14.000 Oh, yeah.

00:03:15.000 It's either really sad or the best troll ever.

00:03:16.000 It was horrific.

00:03:17.000 Well, he could have been a troll.

00:03:20.000 Oh, no.

00:03:20.000 But it didn't seem like it was.

00:03:22.000 He was one of the guys that was in the community that I was making fun of because they had all their dolls and they're dressing them and shit.

00:03:29.000 Yeah.

00:03:29.000 And I'm like, hey, what the fuck are you doing?

00:03:31.000 Right.

00:03:32.000 You guys are crazy.

00:03:33.000 So what was his defense?

00:03:34.000 Well, then a lot of these guys are either disfigured or something really wrong with them.

00:03:39.000 Oh, God.

00:03:39.000 Yeah.

00:03:40.000 That is so sad.

00:03:41.000 It is very sad.

00:03:42.000 It's a fucking...

00:03:43.000 What a shitty roll of the dice.

00:03:45.000 I think I can get down with fucking a disfigured guy.

00:03:47.000 Yeah?

00:03:47.000 Yeah, like something...

00:03:49.000 Like one little thing fucked up.

00:03:51.000 I think I could get into that.

00:03:53.000 But what if he had a lot of things fucked up?

00:03:55.000 Oh, if he's like...

00:03:55.000 He can't be like all masked out.

00:03:57.000 Like he's got a...

00:03:57.000 It just has to be like one charming like baby arm or...

00:04:01.000 Like a weird wart or something.

00:04:03.000 Some weird eyelid wart.

00:04:03.000 I don't think it can be something extra.

00:04:05.000 I think it has to be something missing.

00:04:07.000 So if like a limb is gone...

00:04:09.000 That way everyone thinks I'm so nice and I'll be kind of grossed out while we're fucking.

00:04:14.000 But get into it, I think.

00:04:17.000 Hmm.

00:04:18.000 Would the gross style part benefit you in some way?

00:04:21.000 Yeah.

00:04:21.000 I like watching porn like that where I'm like, would this make me puke?

00:04:26.000 Would I throw up on this dude?

00:04:30.000 This is how I'm finding my target demo.

00:04:32.000 I'm just like, if you're disfigured, you want a chance.

00:04:36.000 If you're disfigured or you want to make me puke.

00:04:38.000 Yeah.

00:04:39.000 Come on down to the funny bone and blah, blah, blah.

00:04:43.000 Amy Schumer, you crazy.

00:04:45.000 You so crazy.

00:04:46.000 We're still doing commercials, believe it or not.

00:04:48.000 Oh, sorry.

00:04:48.000 It doesn't seem like it, right?

00:04:49.000 Yeah, the cameras are not even on you.

00:04:50.000 But that's the beautiful thing of the flow.

00:04:51.000 That's the beautiful thing of the flow of this show.

00:04:53.000 Yeah.

00:04:54.000 We're also sponsored by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancement supplement that I show you right here.

00:05:01.000 Look at that.

00:05:01.000 Vitamins for your dome, Amy Schumer.

00:05:03.000 I saw you take it.

00:05:04.000 Smart pills.

00:05:04.000 You're really doing it.

00:05:05.000 Oh yeah, yeah.

00:05:06.000 Take them for real.

00:05:07.000 It's not as prominent as Adderall or something like that, but what it does is it enhances the way your brain functions.

00:05:16.000 Anybody who's interested in it, Google the word nootropics.

00:05:19.000 That's the best way to get information on it.

00:05:21.000 And try a bunch of different stuff out before you ever even think about buying alpha brain.

00:05:26.000 Research nootropics.

00:05:27.000 Get involved in looking at what it is.

00:05:29.000 There's a bunch of studies about it.

00:05:31.000 A lot of them were done on people with Alzheimer's, people whose brains weren't functioning so well anymore, and it helped them.

00:05:38.000 Various companies have nootropic formulas, don't necessarily go out and buy Alpha Brain, but I'm telling you that we use it and it's awesome.

00:05:45.000 I like it.

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00:05:52.000 We try to make it as easy as possible for your first order.

00:05:56.000 Can't have more than that because some people stole it or something.

00:05:59.000 Dragons came, Brian?

00:06:00.000 What was the story again?

00:06:01.000 How'd it go?

00:06:01.000 The dragons came.

00:06:02.000 It was a troll who came over the mountain with a battle axe and came into town and took all the Alphabrain and put it on eBay or something?

00:06:08.000 No, no.

00:06:09.000 Joe, you took my Alphabrain the other day and sold it on eBay, I noticed.

00:06:13.000 I didn't sell it on eBay.

00:06:14.000 It's right here.

00:06:14.000 Yeah, his new thing is that he just gives it to me and he launders it and then sells it on eBay.

00:06:21.000 It's been him the whole time.

00:06:23.000 Yeah, man.

00:06:23.000 That's my new theory.

00:06:24.000 I make like three bucks every time.

00:06:28.000 It's an awesome deal.

00:06:30.000 Anyway, we also have a bunch of different cool supplements that are available.

00:06:35.000 All of them that I find to be effective.

00:06:39.000 If I didn't think they're effective, I wouldn't promote them 100%.

00:06:42.000 That's the truth.

00:06:43.000 Get into it.

00:06:44.000 Check it out.

00:06:44.000 If you want to try AlphaBrain, go to JoeRogan.net, click on the AlphaBrain link, enter in the code name ROGAN, and you get 10% off all orders, not just the first one, as many orders in the future.

00:06:53.000 All right, bitches.

00:06:54.000 Amy Schuber's here.

00:06:56.000 Start the music.

00:06:57.000 Now the podcast officially begins.

00:06:59.000 Train by day.

00:07:00.000 Joe Rogan podcast by night.

00:07:02.000 All day.

00:07:06.000 That's a very mild version of the song there.

00:07:08.000 It's like you weren't trying to hurt Amy Schumer's ears.

00:07:11.000 Oh, thank you.

00:07:12.000 That was the lady-friendly version?

00:07:13.000 I think that was.

00:07:14.000 I think that's exactly what he was doing.

00:07:15.000 Is that what you were doing?

00:07:16.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:07:17.000 Because you find her cute.

00:07:18.000 I didn't want to startle her.

00:07:19.000 You love her.

00:07:20.000 You love her already.

00:07:21.000 Look, you're already adjusting your behavior.

00:07:22.000 Say it.

00:07:23.000 That's respect.

00:07:24.000 That's some serious respect.

00:07:25.000 Whoa, I'm excited.

00:07:26.000 Because usually it blows your fucking eardrums out.

00:07:28.000 Yeah.

00:07:29.000 It's all silly.

00:07:30.000 It's kind of like tea party music.

00:07:31.000 And then he gets silly with the fade out.

00:07:32.000 You know, because he fades it out.

00:07:34.000 And it goes on for like minutes.

00:07:37.000 But not with you.

00:07:38.000 Thank you, Brian.

00:07:38.000 With you, he's trying to be like really unobtrusive and really sweet.

00:07:43.000 Look, I'm putting collages of pictures together.

00:07:45.000 You're making him the best.

00:07:47.000 You're making him the best, Brian, he can be.

00:07:49.000 He's doing his job.

00:07:51.000 You're shocked.

00:07:52.000 For real, if it wasn't for you here, I think you're making Brian the best Brian he can possibly be.

00:07:57.000 Is this a better version of you, Brian, for real?

00:07:59.000 What if I bring out the best in you?

00:08:01.000 Don't run away from this.

00:08:03.000 He's trying to troll me right now.

00:08:04.000 I'm not trying to troll you.

00:08:05.000 Women do do that.

00:08:06.000 That's one of the things that...

00:08:07.000 He's playing a practical joke on me right now.

00:08:09.000 You know how guys...

00:08:10.000 This is going to sound totally ridiculous, but you know how guys will sometimes get divorced and the woman will get half a guy's shit and then people will say, oh man, that's fucked up.

00:08:21.000 She never told a joke or she never made one point.

00:08:25.000 How the fuck did she get half his money?

00:08:27.000 But...

00:08:27.000 The combination of people sometimes.

00:08:31.000 Sometimes, like, a woman will come into your life, and she's such a badass bitch, and you want to impress her so much, you will be a better person.

00:08:39.000 Well, I think the flip side of that is, I think what chicks do...

00:08:43.000 Not me.

00:08:44.000 No.

00:08:44.000 I think when you start dating somebody, like, I'll just...

00:08:48.000 Like, I'm like super cool new girl, you know?

00:08:51.000 I'm like, let me just sweep the crazy under the rug for a couple months.

00:08:55.000 I'm like, you don't need to see this.

00:08:56.000 Of course.

00:08:57.000 You don't need to meet my mom, who I'm becoming.

00:08:59.000 And then, you know, the truth comes out eventually.

00:09:02.000 But I think you're like the best version of yourself at first, and then you can't help it.

00:09:06.000 That's what I always tell guys.

00:09:07.000 You should be the you who you're pretending to be when you're trying to get laid.

00:09:10.000 If you do that...

00:09:11.000 Stay that way.

00:09:12.000 Yeah, stay that guy.

00:09:13.000 Be that guy.

00:09:13.000 Yes.

00:09:14.000 It is possible to be that guy.

00:09:16.000 It's fucking hard.

00:09:16.000 Yeah, you can decide and work on it, right?

00:09:19.000 Yeah.

00:09:19.000 Be the you that you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.

00:09:22.000 Stay that guy all the time.

00:09:23.000 I think it takes a lot of vitamin D or something.

00:09:25.000 Yes, it definitely takes vitamin D. That's why I'm so low on D. You gotta do squats.

00:09:29.000 You gotta do deadlifts.

00:09:30.000 A ton of squats.

00:09:31.000 Squats doesn't give you D. Kettlebell, son.

00:09:33.000 Big fucking heavy ones.

00:09:34.000 50 pounders, 70 pounders.

00:09:36.000 You gotta really work the spine and the core.

00:09:39.000 All that is part of it.

00:09:40.000 Gotta keep your core engaged for sure.

00:09:42.000 Word.

00:09:42.000 Yeah, my inner core.

00:09:43.000 So I think that Amy Schumer is like your muse.

00:09:46.000 This is what I'm saying.

00:09:47.000 You know that she's hilarious.

00:09:49.000 You know that she's talented as fuck.

00:09:51.000 So when you're around her, you've got this crazy respect because you're also physically attracted to her.

00:09:56.000 There's a lot going on here.

00:09:58.000 This is the best.

00:09:59.000 Don't you feel this?

00:10:00.000 Don't you feel this, Amy?

00:10:01.000 There's a lot going on here.

00:10:02.000 I am loving this.

00:10:03.000 Brian, this is not bad, bro.

00:10:05.000 Brian's totally shaking his head.

00:10:06.000 Brian, are you in denial?

00:10:07.000 All I'm saying is she makes you a better person.

00:10:09.000 I'm now a Cougar Hunter show.

00:10:09.000 I know.

00:10:10.000 What is this shirt?

00:10:11.000 This Cougar Hunter show.

00:10:12.000 Yeah, the evidence is right there.

00:10:14.000 That shirt is so ridiculous.

00:10:16.000 I know.

00:10:16.000 You know what I want to do?

00:10:17.000 I want to get pictures of you in the woods near my house where the mountain lion is.

00:10:21.000 Oh.

00:10:21.000 Let's go out near my house because there's been four mountain lion sightings near my house.

00:10:26.000 Attacks or just sightings?

00:10:27.000 No, just sightings.

00:10:28.000 You know, the attacks are usually on dogs and a lot of rabbits get fucked up and the occasional deer if they catch a deer.

00:10:34.000 They'll basically fuck up anything.

00:10:35.000 Yeah.

00:10:35.000 But they try to avoid people as much as possible, so it's really weird that they've seen four or at least one four times in the course of...

00:10:44.000 It might be the same one.

00:10:44.000 Most likely.

00:10:45.000 I'm obsessed with that show.

00:10:47.000 You ever watch I Survived?

00:10:48.000 Yeah.

00:10:49.000 And the Mountain Lion ones really fucked me up.

00:10:51.000 They just, like, they scalp you.

00:10:53.000 They're horrific.

00:10:54.000 They're so dangerous.

00:10:55.000 You don't even have any idea of how strong they are.

00:10:58.000 You know, when you see one, there was one, when I was in Colorado, they had a stuffed one.

00:11:03.000 They had this crazy wildlife exhibit place where there was this guy taking care of all these different tigers that were from zoos.

00:11:11.000 It was like a big, huge area filled with big cats.

00:11:15.000 But they had a stuffed mountain lion.

00:11:17.000 How big?

00:11:17.000 It was like 200 pounds, 150, 200 pounds.

00:11:20.000 But when you look at the dimensions, that's when it freaks you out.

00:11:23.000 You see the width of its paws?

00:11:25.000 Its wrist is like twice the size of a man's.

00:11:28.000 They're enormous wrists.

00:11:30.000 And then you look at the bones of the paws and you look at the fucking head.

00:11:34.000 All of it just designed to fuck shit up.

00:11:36.000 Just ruin you.

00:11:37.000 Imagine a cat as big as a person.

00:11:40.000 This is essentially what it is.

00:11:41.000 It's a big man, but it's a cat.

00:11:43.000 It's like six feet.

00:11:44.000 200 pound fucking cat!

00:11:47.000 The one I saw and I survived, the woman was trying to save her husband and she was jamming a pen into the mountain lion's eye and it wasn't even reacting.

00:11:55.000 It was just like, what?

00:11:57.000 Yeah, Jesus fucking Christ.

00:12:00.000 Yeah, you would have to brick that thing.

00:12:01.000 Aren't you scared to be outside by your house?

00:12:04.000 Yeah, a little bit.

00:12:06.000 Yeah, but I pack heat.

00:12:07.000 You know what I do?

00:12:08.000 When I go outside, sometimes I go outside to take a leak just to put my mark around the house.

00:12:13.000 That's not weird.

00:12:14.000 That's not weird.

00:12:15.000 That's not weird at all.

00:12:16.000 I do it in my underwear with a gun in my underwear.

00:12:18.000 I just tuck the gun in my underwear.

00:12:21.000 See, I just poop in little coffee cans inside my house and then I just put them around my yard.

00:12:26.000 You guys, I feel like we should have more secrets from each other.

00:12:29.000 Let's start now and we'll just...

00:12:31.000 It'll just be secrets.

00:12:33.000 Listen, ladies and gentlemen, I don't really walk around my house.

00:12:35.000 I'm just fucking around.

00:12:37.000 But I did, when I was hiking in Colorado, I did always use to bring a gun.

00:12:40.000 Just for that very reason.

00:12:41.000 Yeah.

00:12:42.000 Just for the mountain lion reason.

00:12:43.000 Most likely it never happens, but fuck if it does happen.

00:12:46.000 Wouldn't it be nice to be able to shoot that cunt?

00:12:47.000 Those posters that say, like, just make yourself bigger.

00:12:51.000 Yeah.

00:12:51.000 Like, this is gonna...

00:12:52.000 You say it's gonna, but you gotta do something.

00:12:54.000 I know.

00:12:55.000 Listen, you gotta do something when a big wild killer is looking at you.

00:12:58.000 I'm going to throw my friend at the mountain lion and I'll go get help.

00:13:02.000 That's probably a good move.

00:13:03.000 That's a good move.

00:13:04.000 Say, you're better at playing dead!

00:13:05.000 And then just push them.

00:13:07.000 You're a better actor!

00:13:09.000 You remember in South Park when the fucking actors had to save the world, how important it was?

00:13:15.000 It's like, you can save us, you're an actor!

00:13:17.000 Just push her in there.

00:13:19.000 Play like you're dead!

00:13:20.000 Operation Human Shield.

00:13:21.000 Pretend!

00:13:22.000 Go, bitch.

00:13:23.000 Oh, wow, mountain lion's eating your asshole.

00:13:26.000 Ouch.

00:13:26.000 Joe, do you remember that thing we talked about a while back where I said if you ever get attacked by a lion, I would take like a piece of paper and try to throw it like if it was a real cat, and you were like, ah, you're stupid.

00:13:36.000 But somebody posted this amazing documentary of this guy, and you've actually seen it before, where he gets really close to this lion, this male lion and this girl lion, and he's holding a toilet paper roll.

00:13:49.000 And the whole time, he's just holding it in his right hand, and then the cat starts coming up to him.

00:13:53.000 He's just about to throw the toilet paper roll, and the cat just kind of looks over to the right.

00:13:58.000 It looks like you're just jerking off the cat right now.

00:14:03.000 But then at one point, he got really close, and the guy was going to use that to throw it in the opposite direction.

00:14:09.000 He said that that would be his only chance to survive.

00:14:13.000 It was that little toilet paper roll.

00:14:15.000 Yeah, and if I could find the video, I'll try to find it.

00:14:17.000 If anyone knows what I'm talking about, tweet it to me.

00:14:19.000 So his only chance to survive was to distract him with toilet paper?

00:14:21.000 Yeah, we have to watch this video.

00:14:24.000 I hope somebody tweets me it, because you'll freak out.

00:14:26.000 Wow, because they've never seen anything like it before?

00:14:28.000 It's because their instincts are still a cat.

00:14:32.000 If you throw anything at a cat, it will be like, what the fuck's that?

00:14:36.000 We should kill all cats.

00:14:37.000 Yeah, let's just eliminate them.

00:14:38.000 I love my cats and everything, but I know the only reason why I love them is because of the size difference.

00:14:44.000 I'm way bigger than them.

00:14:45.000 Yeah, but you're not going to love a ferret.

00:14:47.000 If she wanted to fuck around and try to kill me, I could snap her neck.

00:14:50.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

00:14:50.000 That's what makes you love something?

00:14:51.000 Well, no.

00:14:52.000 That's why she loves me.

00:14:53.000 Oh, okay.

00:14:54.000 I'm big enough.

00:14:55.000 But if the roles were reversed, my cat would eat me.

00:14:58.000 Yeah.

00:14:58.000 For sure.

00:14:59.000 Cats, I don't...

00:15:00.000 They're like abusive relationships.

00:15:02.000 They fucking do...

00:15:03.000 They would totally eat you.

00:15:03.000 When they need something, they're like, hey, it's me.

00:15:06.000 And then when they're like, fuck off.

00:15:08.000 You can't have a cat and a pet mouse.

00:15:10.000 You just can't have it.

00:15:11.000 Do you have that?

00:15:12.000 You just can't have it.

00:15:13.000 A pet mouse?

00:15:13.000 Yeah.

00:15:14.000 No.

00:15:14.000 Oh, okay.

00:15:14.000 But I do have cats.

00:15:15.000 I have two cats.

00:15:16.000 What are their names?

00:15:17.000 You don't need to know.

00:15:18.000 I'm interested.

00:15:20.000 This is personal creepy shit.

00:15:21.000 You know, you're getting married with me.

00:15:22.000 Here's that video, Joe.

00:15:22.000 I'm painting myself a picture.

00:15:24.000 Here's that video.

00:15:26.000 Spaz and Oliver.

00:15:27.000 Okay.

00:15:28.000 Yeah, I'm not judging you.

00:15:31.000 Oh, this is insane.

00:15:33.000 He faces the king of beasts.

00:15:34.000 Just an ordinary roll of toilet paper.

00:15:37.000 Oh my god.

00:15:38.000 That guy's out of his fucking mind.

00:15:41.000 I don't know if that guy's lion-sized.

00:15:43.000 He's gonna throw it at his head and hope it creates a diversion.

00:15:49.000 Oh my god, look at that thing.

00:15:51.000 None of them have guns either.

00:15:53.000 What's the cameraman doing?

00:15:54.000 Look at this fucking lion.

00:15:56.000 Look at the size of this thing.

00:15:57.000 I don't know which thing you're talking about.

00:15:58.000 It gets intense.

00:15:59.000 Oh my god.

00:16:00.000 It's intense now.

00:16:02.000 For the audio listeners, it's a bear versus a lion.

00:16:04.000 A bear?

00:16:05.000 I mean, a big hairy guy.

00:16:08.000 A big man with a ponytail.

00:16:10.000 Yeah, you got some questionable life choices when you got a ponytail anyway.

00:16:14.000 It is a bear versus...

00:16:15.000 Oh my god, oh my god.

00:16:16.000 Oh my god, look at the size of this thing.

00:16:18.000 It gets intense here for a second of course.

00:16:20.000 Jesus Christ!

00:16:21.000 It doesn't even need this creepy music, like it's just intense.

00:16:24.000 That is a big killer, a big wild killer.

00:16:27.000 Time to time, the cat whips its tail around, a sign that he views Mike as a potential danger.

00:16:32.000 I don't know.

00:16:33.000 Between being alone with that lion or that dude, I think I take my chances with the lion.

00:16:38.000 Oh my god, this is terrifying.

00:16:40.000 Can you imagine that?

00:16:41.000 Look at the size of its arms.

00:16:43.000 Just look at that thing.

00:16:44.000 It's beautiful.

00:16:45.000 It's horrifying at the same time.

00:16:48.000 The idea of that thing looking at you, this 600 pound fucking monster that just kills things every day.

00:16:57.000 In Africa?

00:16:59.000 Jesus fucking Christ!

00:17:03.000 What second lion?

00:17:04.000 There's a second lion in the back.

00:17:06.000 Oh my god, there's a second lion!

00:17:08.000 Oh my god, this guy's alone with the two of them.

00:17:11.000 Why is this guy in Narnia?

00:17:14.000 Oh my god, he is fucking up here.

00:17:17.000 Yeah, this is where it gets fucked up crazy, right here.

00:17:19.000 That guy doesn't seem scared.

00:17:20.000 Is he just that cool?

00:17:22.000 He's stoned.

00:17:23.000 Yeah, they put him on meds.

00:17:25.000 He's on meds.

00:17:26.000 They just dropped him in a field.

00:17:27.000 They're like, good luck.

00:17:28.000 Here's a ball of paper.

00:17:29.000 Look at that thing, my god!

00:17:33.000 This is like a fucking werewolf movie.

00:17:37.000 Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

00:17:40.000 Oh my god.

00:17:45.000 This is insane!

00:17:47.000 It's walking away.

00:17:49.000 Oh my god.

00:17:50.000 And then, that is it.

00:17:51.000 Oh my god, it walked away.

00:17:53.000 Jesus Christ, that's terrifying.

00:17:57.000 That is so terrifying.

00:17:59.000 So my paper theory is totally legit.

00:18:02.000 Wow.

00:18:06.000 Brian Redman's paper theory?

00:18:08.000 So if you're getting attacked by a tiger, get some paper, crinkle it in a ball, and then right before it attacks you, you're going to throw it.

00:18:15.000 Is it the big, the motion of it?

00:18:18.000 Like you're throwing something, and it's big and white, and they don't know what the fuck it is?

00:18:21.000 I don't think it was that paper.

00:18:22.000 Fuck!

00:18:23.000 I think it's just a hack into the brain of a cat or a feline that for some whatever reason, that crinkly noise, that ball, that what's in your hand type thing, it doesn't know what it is, so it just spazzes out like, what the fuck's on this hand?

00:18:37.000 We're so lucky cats are stupid as fuck.

00:18:39.000 We're so lucky the toilet paper distracts them.

00:18:42.000 Oh, that was scary.

00:18:43.000 That was one of those things.

00:18:44.000 I mean, even though it was shitty, blurry YouTube-style video, it was still absolutely terrifying.

00:18:49.000 There's got to be an HD version of that album.

00:18:51.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:51.000 It's called Man vs.

00:18:53.000 Wild Pride, Male Lion, and it's off the Animal Planet.

00:18:59.000 So it's like an Animal Planet DVD that's available?

00:19:01.000 Yeah.

00:19:02.000 Man vs.

00:19:03.000 what?

00:19:03.000 It says Man vs.

00:19:04.000 Wild Pride.

00:19:06.000 Man vs.

00:19:07.000 Wild Pride.

00:19:07.000 Jesus Christ.

00:19:08.000 I want to know that guy's deal.

00:19:10.000 He's crazy.

00:19:11.000 What was going on with that dude?

00:19:13.000 He's another one of those dudes.

00:19:15.000 Those wild, I'm going to get close to animal dudes that have been popping up a lot lately.

00:19:19.000 We should really say rest in peace if he is dead because that looks like an old video and he's doing that kind of shit.

00:19:24.000 He's probably not even alive anymore.

00:19:26.000 He looked like he was on his last leg.

00:19:29.000 Regardless.

00:19:30.000 Yeah, like, I guess Steve Irwin sort of started that all off, you know, because he was, like, real wild with an animal, the crocodile hunter dude.

00:19:37.000 He would get, like, right up to him and, you know.

00:19:39.000 And what was the one with the black bear?

00:19:41.000 What was that movie?

00:19:42.000 Oh, Grizzly Man.

00:19:43.000 Grizzly.

00:19:44.000 Oh, that was so fucked up.

00:19:44.000 No, it was a brown bear.

00:19:46.000 It was?

00:19:46.000 Yeah, the brown bears are the big ones.

00:19:48.000 The black bears aren't that dangerous.

00:19:49.000 Black bears are, they don't really attack people as much or kill people as much.

00:19:53.000 It's the bigger bears are the brown bears.

00:19:56.000 Yeah, he was that nutty dude who lived in Alaska, and they said that he was essentially death by bear.

00:20:00.000 I mean, he suicided himself.

00:20:02.000 He wanted to do that.

00:20:03.000 It was suicide by bear.

00:20:04.000 He just stayed late.

00:20:06.000 He's not supposed to be there.

00:20:07.000 The bears that are awake are super dangerous because they can't kill anything, so they're not fat enough to hibernate, you know, and so they'll eat anything.

00:20:14.000 They eat babies.

00:20:14.000 They were eating babies.

00:20:15.000 Like, he caught them eating babies, and he still stuck around.

00:20:19.000 Fuck.

00:20:20.000 Yeah.

00:20:20.000 That poor girl.

00:20:21.000 I always think about his girlfriend.

00:20:22.000 She died too, right?

00:20:24.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:20:25.000 She died after she tried to help him.

00:20:28.000 Apparently the video is, there was a cap over the camera, but the audio is there of the whole event, and it's like six minutes long.

00:20:36.000 Shit.

00:20:37.000 The movie only played like the very beginning of that, right?

00:20:40.000 No, they didn't play any of the audio of the attack.

00:20:43.000 In the movie, his ex-wife, or his ex-girlfriend, whatever it is, is listening to it.

00:20:50.000 She's listening to the audio, and she's the one who decides, her and Werner Herzog, the guy who's director, they decided not to release it.

00:20:59.000 But it's a long audio, too.

00:21:00.000 It's like, bears don't kill you.

00:21:02.000 They just eat you.

00:21:03.000 And eventually you die.

00:21:05.000 It's a completely different deal than a cat.

00:21:07.000 You're way better off getting killed by a cat.

00:21:09.000 Yeah, a cat's Cats kill you.

00:21:11.000 Well, they kill you.

00:21:12.000 The first thing they're going to do is grab ahold of your neck and they're going to kill you.

00:21:15.000 That's their instinct.

00:21:16.000 They're not worried about you.

00:21:16.000 Bears just hold you and start eating.

00:21:19.000 Jesus!

00:21:20.000 Was there any proof that the wife of that bear dude didn't have a penis, right?

00:21:25.000 Yes, she was a real woman.

00:21:27.000 It was sad.

00:21:28.000 Some women get just roped up with guys and they can't find a man, so they find some guy who doesn't want to believe that he's gay, so he's living in the woods with bears and shit.

00:21:37.000 He was a crazy, obviously gay guy.

00:21:39.000 You know?

00:21:40.000 I mean, like, as gay as he can get.

00:21:42.000 And I think, you know, for some dudes, the desire to stay in the closet is so strong, it leads them to be so fucking crazy.

00:21:49.000 They're willing to go live with grizzlies.

00:21:51.000 You know?

00:21:51.000 And he had this whole thing that he was protecting.

00:21:53.000 I'm protecting these bears.

00:21:54.000 Does the Forest Department want to help them?

00:21:56.000 No.

00:21:57.000 Does the Sheriff's Department want to help them?

00:21:58.000 No.

00:21:59.000 The wildlife, you fuck you, you motherfuckers!

00:22:02.000 And he was like yelling and screaming at the camera and pointing at them and then he would like reconstitute himself, clean himself up, get back in and do it again and do like another take on it.

00:22:11.000 He should have just taken a dick once and lived his life.

00:22:16.000 Yeah, probably.

00:22:17.000 I think that would have certainly helped him.

00:22:18.000 I think he was...

00:22:19.000 And he had this crazy thing where he was like walking, holding the camera, talking about if he was just gay.

00:22:24.000 If I was just gay, it would be so easy.

00:22:27.000 Wait, did he really do?

00:22:28.000 Yes, yeah.

00:22:29.000 You know, you go to a rest stop, but oh well...

00:22:32.000 I'm not gay.

00:22:32.000 Just gay for bears.

00:22:34.000 It was the most obvious I'm gay cry for help.

00:22:37.000 Yeah, it was really sad.

00:22:38.000 It is sad because it's fucked up that dudes get stuck in that closet situation, man.

00:22:45.000 Yeah.

00:22:45.000 That's a terrible place to be, to pretend your whole life to be one thing when really you could just say you're another and everybody will still love you.

00:22:52.000 Yeah.

00:22:52.000 You know?

00:22:53.000 It's like you don't have to.

00:22:54.000 I know dudes that are in the closet today.

00:22:56.000 Me too.

00:22:57.000 Tom Segura, Burke Chrysler.

00:22:58.000 Hey!

00:22:59.000 Easy, bro.

00:22:59.000 I thought we weren't going to talk about that on the air.

00:23:01.000 Oh, no.

00:23:02.000 No.

00:23:02.000 Brian, you're such a dick.

00:23:04.000 I knew it.

00:23:05.000 How dare you?

00:23:06.000 Oh, we'll edit it.

00:23:06.000 I think we're doing it live on Ustream right now.

00:23:09.000 I know, but we'll edit it.

00:23:10.000 You fuckhead.

00:23:10.000 How dare you?

00:23:11.000 Bert and Tom fucking?

00:23:13.000 Oh, yeah.

00:23:14.000 They don't really fuck.

00:23:15.000 They just start to fuck and they cum prematurely all over each other.

00:23:17.000 Oh, God.

00:23:18.000 It never actually becomes Bert and Tom fucking.

00:23:21.000 They're so hot for each other and the idea of them fucking is so hot.

00:23:24.000 It's enough.

00:23:25.000 They never get it inside each other.

00:23:26.000 There's no penetration.

00:23:27.000 They just come close and they come...

00:23:28.000 They're trying to be less gay just so that they could have gay sex.

00:23:35.000 They're so gay that they can't even actually consummate.

00:23:38.000 No.

00:23:38.000 It's not about that.

00:23:39.000 They just start twitching and coming all over themselves.

00:23:42.000 That's so great to think about.

00:23:45.000 I'm like picturing Bert's family like, what?

00:23:48.000 What?

00:23:48.000 His family is totally down.

00:23:50.000 Don't worry.

00:23:51.000 Everybody's cool.

00:23:51.000 They are the coolest.

00:23:53.000 Yeah, but if you're Burt's kid, you gotta know what the fuck is up.

00:23:56.000 You gotta know there's some craziness in the world.

00:23:57.000 Those chicks run the house, yeah.

00:23:59.000 Probably.

00:23:59.000 They're ready for anything.

00:24:00.000 It's probably best for him to run the house.

00:24:02.000 Could you imagine if he ran the house?

00:24:03.000 No.

00:24:04.000 You know?

00:24:04.000 Burt's crazy.

00:24:05.000 I could just picture those girls making him dress up for a tea party.

00:24:07.000 Oh, of course.

00:24:08.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:08.000 I'm sure he does all that stuff.

00:24:10.000 The works.

00:24:10.000 You have to do all that stuff when you have kids.

00:24:12.000 Bert Kreischer.

00:24:14.000 He's another one of those dudes that I think the internet is perfect for.

00:24:20.000 You know, like people get to see the real Bert Kreischer.

00:24:22.000 Because you don't have to see his body?

00:24:23.000 No, when you get to hear him.

00:24:24.000 Like when he's on podcasts.

00:24:26.000 You know, you get the total...

00:24:28.000 You know, when he's not stuck on like...

00:24:30.000 If he's doing Letterman or something, he's always hilarious, but he's stuck to like seven minutes.

00:24:33.000 Right.

00:24:34.000 You can't get to really know him.

00:24:35.000 You need the Bert experience.

00:24:36.000 You need a two-hour Bert Kreischer experience.

00:24:38.000 Oh, my God.

00:24:39.000 Amy Schumer, how long have you been doing comedy?

00:24:41.000 Seven and a half years.

00:24:43.000 Yeah?

00:24:43.000 Mm-hmm.

00:24:44.000 You did that Charlie Sheen roast, and that's when I really...

00:24:48.000 That's when I found out about you.

00:24:50.000 I'd heard your name before.

00:24:51.000 People would say you're really funny.

00:24:52.000 I don't want to blow your head up.

00:24:53.000 Do it.

00:24:54.000 Come on.

00:24:54.000 I'm in a bad place.

00:24:55.000 You know, when dudes would go...

00:24:57.000 You know, guys always...

00:24:58.000 Every now and then, someone will have this conversation when you see, like, a really funny chick.

00:25:02.000 You know, like, oh, there's another one.

00:25:04.000 See, because it's...

00:25:05.000 You know how it is with chick comedy.

00:25:07.000 You know, with chick comedy, there's, like...

00:25:09.000 I'd say...

00:25:10.000 And dudes, it's hard enough to do comedy to be a dude, but to be a woman, just to get over the societal boundary of you being the one talking, I think it's way more difficult for a woman.

00:25:21.000 Yeah.

00:25:22.000 I think it's way more difficult for men, especially meatheads and insecure guys, to accept the fact that a woman's on stage talking.

00:25:28.000 Yes.

00:25:29.000 And then your subject matter is obviously going to be more...

00:25:32.000 I wouldn't say more restrictive, but it's more difficult for you to get out certain things, especially sexual stuff and certain things about judgments and politics because people are reluctant to take the opinion of a woman.

00:25:47.000 For sure.

00:25:48.000 A lot of people are.

00:25:49.000 For sure.

00:25:49.000 It's way harder, I think, for a chick to make it and be a stand-up.

00:25:53.000 So when you see a bad motherfucker come along, like yourself...

00:25:57.000 You know, I always get I'm always very impressed because I know that it's harder for a woman to do than a man.

00:26:03.000 And when I heard you on the Charlie Sheen roast, I was like, holy shit, this chick is fucking funny.

00:26:07.000 You had some really funny lines.

00:26:09.000 I was like, oh, shit.

00:26:11.000 You know, I generally like a lot of times roasts.

00:26:14.000 I go, oh, OK, you're just being mean.

00:26:16.000 You know, I get it.

00:26:17.000 You're being mean to each other.

00:26:18.000 And sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's just, whoa, this is like some weird, creepy shit that guy's been like storing about this dude.

00:26:23.000 Where is this coming from?

00:26:25.000 It's gross.

00:26:26.000 The way you did it was awesome.

00:26:27.000 And the fucking exchange you got in with Mike Tyson.

00:26:30.000 Can we play that?

00:26:31.000 Can we play that?

00:26:33.000 Oh my god.

00:26:34.000 We gotta play that if we can.

00:26:35.000 If we can find it, if Brian can find it, he'll put it up.

00:26:37.000 Because it was so funny.

00:26:38.000 Mike Tyson was trying to go back and forth with you, and you just handled him.

00:26:43.000 You handled Mike Tyson the way Mike Tyson used to beat up boxers.

00:26:46.000 It was really funny.

00:26:48.000 That was like, when I watched that, that was like in retrospect, I was like, Jesus!

00:26:52.000 You know?

00:26:53.000 I was like, did that just happen?

00:26:55.000 Like, I just like...

00:26:57.000 You just manhandled Mike Tyson in a verbal...

00:27:00.000 I think I'm just in the white girl bubble enough still to be like, he won't.

00:27:04.000 He won't.

00:27:05.000 He's not going to come over here.

00:27:07.000 I'm going to be up.

00:27:08.000 But it was like, afterwards, I was like, holy shit.

00:27:11.000 Yeah, you shouldn't assume that he could take a joke.

00:27:14.000 I mean, he's a way calmer version of Mike Tyson than he was back in his fighting days.

00:27:18.000 But he's a scary guy.

00:27:20.000 It was still like, yeah, there were some uncomfortable moments still where he'd pretend to be like he was going to hit someone.

00:27:25.000 You're like, that's not funny to anybody.

00:27:29.000 Well, they'll laugh at it.

00:27:30.000 That's the problem.

00:27:31.000 If he fakes punches at people, people will laugh just out of uncomfort.

00:27:34.000 Yeah, no one's going to be like, you know what, Michael?

00:27:37.000 That makes me uncomfortable.

00:27:38.000 You're crossing a line, Michael.

00:27:39.000 You used to be a professional fighter.

00:27:41.000 Right.

00:27:42.000 I'd like to talk about my boundaries.

00:27:43.000 He's like, what?

00:27:45.000 Yeah, you just have to be like, oh, that was awesome.

00:27:46.000 I'm going to leave a couple minutes early.

00:27:48.000 Yeah, you just got to let him grab your dick.

00:27:49.000 Yeah, he grabbed my dick the whole night.

00:27:51.000 You gotta let him.

00:27:52.000 As long as he's not squeezing it.

00:27:54.000 No.

00:27:54.000 When he's squeezing it, then you might want to call the cops.

00:27:56.000 Nothing.

00:27:58.000 But that was afterwards.

00:27:59.000 I was like, I can't believe that just happened.

00:28:01.000 But he did a great job.

00:28:02.000 I think he did even better than what they made it look like.

00:28:05.000 The writers were all kind of sweating if he was going to be able to deliver.

00:28:09.000 But I thought he nailed it.

00:28:11.000 Yeah, well, what did you think that he was going to be able to do?

00:28:14.000 You just thought?

00:28:15.000 Well, I didn't know.

00:28:16.000 The writers who had been working with him were kind of like, oh, we hope.

00:28:19.000 He was like the wild card.

00:28:20.000 Like, he might just bug out and, like, say, be completely incoherent.

00:28:24.000 Right.

00:28:25.000 Because they had, like, a concept for him that he was going to speak really intelligently and spout poetry and, you know.

00:28:33.000 But he did a great job.

00:28:35.000 Well, he was like a weird sort of kind of almost like a ghetto philosopher when he was a young guy because he would mess up words and stuff, but he would quote you all sorts of crazy things.

00:28:48.000 He's a scholar on boxing history.

00:28:51.000 And when he was a young guy, he wasn't an inarticulate guy.

00:28:56.000 I mean, I don't know how much has changed, but there's an inevitable decline in your ability to function after getting punched in the head that many times.

00:29:02.000 After somebody's beating you in the head.

00:29:03.000 Yeah, it's inevitable.

00:29:04.000 There's a certain amount.

00:29:06.000 And no one wants to admit that or accept that, but that is a fact.

00:29:11.000 Yeah, I kind of, to be totally honest, I felt the only sort of remorse I felt that night was for him.

00:29:17.000 Because it was like, he's for sure brain damaged.

00:29:21.000 And it felt like, you know.

00:29:23.000 I think you fucking had to do what you had to do, girl.

00:29:25.000 No, yeah, I don't regret it.

00:29:26.000 You were in the pen with crocodiles and you poked them in the eyes and ran.

00:29:29.000 They didn't see me coming.

00:29:32.000 Yeah.

00:29:32.000 Have you found it, Brian?

00:29:35.000 They're all a bunch of fake ones.

00:29:36.000 Brian's just Googling himself.

00:29:37.000 Oh, really?

00:29:37.000 Yeah, like it's just like screenshots and stuff.

00:29:40.000 Oh, has it been copyrighted or something?

00:29:42.000 Yeah, Comedy Central's on it.

00:29:44.000 It's probably on Comedy Central's website.

00:29:46.000 Yeah, why would you want to have a bunch of people watch it and see how funny those roasts are?

00:29:49.000 Yeah, pull those clips down, you fucks.

00:29:50.000 Get them down, you guys.

00:29:52.000 So you can advertise Axe Body Spray.

00:29:55.000 Get them on your site.

00:29:56.000 Is it because they want to sell more DVDs?

00:29:58.000 Is that what it is?

00:29:58.000 Yeah, they want you to subscribe, film the cable and stuff.

00:30:01.000 But they probably have them somewhere on their website deep under commercials.

00:30:05.000 It's so archaic, that way of thinking.

00:30:07.000 It's so dumb.

00:30:07.000 They don't understand that the more people that would watch those videos, the more people would watch those roasts.

00:30:13.000 It's that simple.

00:30:14.000 If a hundred million people watch the video and they're like, oh my god, this is awesome, and then another roast is coming on, boom, they're going to want to watch it.

00:30:19.000 It's this weird thinking that you don't want anything good to be available for free online.

00:30:24.000 You fucking silly assholes.

00:30:25.000 How much do you spend in advertising to have fucking Tide commercials all over sitcoms, and yet they're not willing to let things be free online?

00:30:35.000 Do you not understand that's the same thing?

00:30:37.000 And this one you don't have to pay for?

00:30:39.000 You crazy assholes.

00:30:40.000 Here is a clip of it.

00:30:44.000 Are you sure?

00:30:46.000 Yeah.

00:30:48.000 Girls were just making out with each other.

00:30:50.000 What are you doing?

00:30:51.000 I don't know what that is.

00:30:52.000 Hold on.

00:30:52.000 It's you having the other podcast going on in the background.

00:30:55.000 That was Sam Tripoli's voice.

00:30:56.000 That hurts everybody's feelings.

00:30:58.000 No, it's every week it's happened.

00:31:01.000 It's impossible for him to not do this.

00:31:03.000 Brian, just be where you are.

00:31:04.000 Fucked up.

00:31:04.000 Everything's wonky, no matter what.

00:31:06.000 Brian, be here with us.

00:31:07.000 Every audio clip, it's part of the charm of the show.

00:31:10.000 You gotta accept it.

00:31:12.000 It's perfection and it's imperfection.

00:31:14.000 There you are.

00:31:14.000 Hey, look at you.

00:31:15.000 Oh, what a sweetheart.

00:31:16.000 Nice dress.

00:31:17.000 What a sweet lady.

00:31:18.000 One of the waitresses of the cellar made that.

00:31:19.000 Really?

00:31:20.000 Yeah.

00:31:20.000 Oh, wow, that's cool.

00:31:21.000 She's a dressmaker?

00:31:23.000 No, I'm asking.

00:31:24.000 I couldn't understand a fucking word he said.

00:31:28.000 Mike, your voice sounds like a girl crying.

00:31:31.000 Every time you speak, do you give yourself an erection?

00:31:36.000 I like the answer sometimes.

00:31:39.000 Hey, Mike, here's something you'll never hear.

00:31:40.000 Great tattoo!

00:31:44.000 Oh, shit.

00:31:45.000 You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face.

00:31:51.000 Oh my god.

00:31:55.000 Men don't know whether to be scared of it or finish on it.

00:32:00.000 Look at that face.

00:32:04.000 It's so dark and wrinkly and constantly getting pounded.

00:32:08.000 It's like Patrice's grandmother's asshole after a gospel brunch.

00:32:14.000 I'm just assuming she raised you.

00:32:18.000 Oh, shit.

00:32:20.000 Yikes.

00:32:21.000 Patrice's face.

00:32:22.000 Oh, shit.

00:32:23.000 Oh, shit.

00:32:24.000 Does that make you feel bad now that Patrice is dead?

00:32:27.000 No.

00:32:27.000 No, he was proud of me.

00:32:29.000 He was my good friend.

00:32:30.000 I love Patrice.

00:32:32.000 That was hilarious.

00:32:33.000 I wanted him to think I did a good job, and I know he did.

00:32:36.000 We hung out at the after party, and I was like, he was proud of me.

00:32:40.000 Oh, you know you did a good job.

00:32:41.000 You killed it.

00:32:42.000 Yeah, but I wanted Patrice.

00:32:43.000 You know, like, it doesn't matter with whatever.

00:32:45.000 Patrice, when I heard he was going to be on the dais, I was like, oh, shit.

00:32:48.000 That kicked me into the next gear.

00:32:50.000 Really?

00:32:51.000 Oh, that's cool.

00:32:52.000 Yeah.

00:32:53.000 He's one of my favorite comics.

00:32:54.000 I was like, shit, I can't phone in even a second.

00:32:56.000 He'll be like, he'll call bullshit.

00:32:58.000 Yeah, he'll call bullshit on everything and anything.

00:33:00.000 Yeah.

00:33:01.000 He was fun.

00:33:02.000 Yeah.

00:33:03.000 He's just...

00:33:04.000 But no, I didn't feel bad about anything.

00:33:07.000 About anything.

00:33:08.000 But that fucking launched you, right?

00:33:11.000 That Comedy Central thing?

00:33:13.000 I get recognized at airports and I got a corporate gig.

00:33:16.000 You must be getting a lot more stand-up work now, no?

00:33:20.000 I'm getting more on the road.

00:33:21.000 I probably make maybe twice what I was making on the road before.

00:33:24.000 Oh, that's great.

00:33:25.000 Right away.

00:33:26.000 Oh, totally.

00:33:27.000 How crazy is that?

00:33:28.000 Look at that.

00:33:28.000 One video.

00:33:29.000 Isn't it amazing?

00:33:30.000 It still doesn't seem worth it.

00:33:32.000 No?

00:33:34.000 Not the roast, but just being on the road.

00:33:37.000 You don't like it?

00:33:38.000 No.

00:33:39.000 Oh, you know what you gotta do?

00:33:40.000 Yeah, you bring your friends.

00:33:41.000 That's what I'm doing now.

00:33:42.000 Yeah, I bring Ari Shafir or Joey Diaz or everybody.

00:33:46.000 Well, that sounds terrible.

00:33:47.000 But my friends, I'm just kidding.

00:33:49.000 I love Ari.

00:33:50.000 Yeah, no, it makes such a difference.

00:33:52.000 Oh, it's a night and day.

00:33:54.000 It goes from being a chore to being a great car.

00:33:56.000 Like fun, but what I also realized, I've always stayed in the shittiest hotels, you know?

00:34:00.000 But now, now staying in a nice hotel, the road is a whole different experience.

00:34:04.000 It was like you didn't want to touch the sheets.

00:34:06.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:34:07.000 And I'd be paired with some assholes that thought they should be headlining.

00:34:10.000 The comedy condo.

00:34:11.000 I'd just say no to condos.

00:34:12.000 Like, that's the only time I use that I'm a girl on the road.

00:34:15.000 They had you paired in hotel rooms?

00:34:18.000 I've seen comedy condos.

00:34:20.000 Not hotel rooms, but in comedy condos where they don't have doors on the rooms with dudes.

00:34:27.000 Yeah.

00:34:27.000 Like, I put in my time on the road.

00:34:29.000 Damn.

00:34:30.000 Nobody can say I didn't.

00:34:31.000 Those are dark days.

00:34:32.000 Yeah.

00:34:32.000 Did you ever do La Jolla comedy store?

00:34:34.000 No.

00:34:35.000 That's the darkest condo on the earth.

00:34:37.000 I've heard of that condo.

00:34:38.000 More uncomfortable post-coital moments have occurred.

00:34:42.000 You walk in, you feel the uncomfort of road stank.

00:34:47.000 No.

00:34:48.000 You know, of road hacks and whatever poor lonely fuck allows those road hacks to stick their dick inside of them.

00:34:55.000 Crabs' nest.

00:34:56.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:34:57.000 Never again.

00:34:58.000 I can say, never again.

00:35:00.000 No comedy condos.

00:35:01.000 That's the darkest comedy condo.

00:35:03.000 But yeah, I bring my friend with me now.

00:35:04.000 The next one is Phoenix.

00:35:05.000 Phoenix was a dark one too.

00:35:06.000 The Tempe Improv.

00:35:08.000 Oh, okay.

00:35:08.000 That was Joey Diaz's haunt.

00:35:10.000 Back in the dark days of Joey Diaz, he would pull the fucking shades closed.

00:35:13.000 You wouldn't even hear him.

00:35:14.000 You couldn't call him.

00:35:15.000 He wouldn't answer his pager.

00:35:16.000 There was nothing going on with Joey Diaz for hours.

00:35:19.000 He'd come out to do a show looking like a vampire.

00:35:21.000 Looking like Bela Lugosi.

00:35:23.000 Jesus.

00:35:24.000 I've been furious.

00:35:26.000 I've been in condos where I heard the feature act getting fucked and I was laying there.

00:35:30.000 You were getting fucked and you were sleeping?

00:35:32.000 No, I was like trying to sleep.

00:35:34.000 Oh, you heard him.

00:35:35.000 I'm sorry.

00:35:35.000 I was like reading some sad book.

00:35:36.000 You heard him getting fucked while you were getting...

00:35:37.000 A guy or a girl?

00:35:39.000 Guy.

00:35:39.000 A guy was fucking a guy?

00:35:40.000 They never paired two girls together.

00:35:41.000 Or he was fucking a girl?

00:35:42.000 The feature was fucking like a girl.

00:35:45.000 Oh.

00:35:46.000 One of the waitresses to be specific.

00:35:47.000 Were they allowed?

00:35:50.000 Oh, I think he said, were they allowed?

00:35:51.000 I was like, yeah, I gave them my blessing.

00:35:55.000 Enjoy, you guys.

00:35:57.000 Go for it.

00:35:57.000 Hey, did you guys like my new opener?

00:35:59.000 Oh, never mind.

00:36:00.000 Yeah, it was awful.

00:36:02.000 Was it loud?

00:36:04.000 It was loud.

00:36:04.000 I felt like it was his way of saying, like, I'm the headliner.

00:36:07.000 Really?

00:36:08.000 That's hilarious.

00:36:08.000 You felt like that?

00:36:09.000 I did.

00:36:10.000 I mean, that could have all been.

00:36:11.000 Women are so funny.

00:36:12.000 Like, even just a guy getting laid will be like a message.

00:36:14.000 I felt like he was sending me a message.

00:36:16.000 I couldn't imagine.

00:36:17.000 He was just trying to get laid.

00:36:19.000 Why would you assume that the thing that men want more than anything else in life is to get laid?

00:36:24.000 Why would you assume that him getting laid would be anything other than him getting laid?

00:36:27.000 I think male comics egos are bigger than, like, their cocks for sure.

00:36:32.000 For sure.

00:36:33.000 So I think it would be more like...

00:36:35.000 And this waitress, no one under any circumstances would have wanted to bang this girl.

00:36:40.000 I think it would be more like, hey, I'm being loud because I want you to know that if you want to join us, you can.

00:36:45.000 Could be a little of that.

00:36:46.000 Second of all, you say that, but the guy was fucking her.

00:36:50.000 And I'm sure he wasn't the first.

00:36:53.000 No, she was not a virgin.

00:36:54.000 Yeah, even though you would say a girl's not really pretty, just willing.

00:36:58.000 For a lot of guys, it's better than masturbation.

00:37:01.000 We're pathetic.

00:37:02.000 Pathetic creatures.

00:37:03.000 I don't know.

00:37:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:37:05.000 You don't understand what it's like to have a dick.

00:37:06.000 I don't.

00:37:07.000 You know, talk to Chaz Bono, because she's starting to make sense now.

00:37:11.000 Give that lady a ring.

00:37:12.000 They've been shooting her up with testosterone.

00:37:14.000 She's totally making sense these days.

00:37:15.000 Yeah, she can, like, really talk about that shit now.

00:37:17.000 It's fascinating because she really has gone from both extremes, or he now.

00:37:22.000 Talking about what's annoying and then the sexual urges that come on because of testosterone.

00:37:29.000 Men go blank.

00:37:30.000 They get sad.

00:37:32.000 They don't know what's going on.

00:37:33.000 But I don't know, like I've dated guys and I've been the one in a couple relationships where I was always initiating sex.

00:37:39.000 Oh!

00:37:39.000 You know, I feel like, I feel super charged on my own.

00:37:43.000 Yeah.

00:37:44.000 I don't have a dick, so I'm not like, it's not brushing up against stuff by accident.

00:37:48.000 I'm getting psyched.

00:37:49.000 But I don't know.

00:37:51.000 I don't know.

00:37:52.000 I feel driven by sex too.

00:37:54.000 You think you're driven by success, like to get sex?

00:37:58.000 Yeah.

00:37:58.000 No, no.

00:37:59.000 I'm not driven by success.

00:38:01.000 I feel sexually driven a lot of the time.

00:38:04.000 Right.

00:38:05.000 What I was saying is that if a guy is getting laid, most likely he's just getting laid.

00:38:11.000 Like Occam's razor.

00:38:13.000 But you would think that they were trying to send a message to you?

00:38:17.000 I'm not that much of a narcissist.

00:38:19.000 He's saying, I'm the headliner.

00:38:21.000 I think he was being loud.

00:38:24.000 Everything he did that weekend was really annoying.

00:38:26.000 He was trying to...

00:38:28.000 He would, like, take his coffee on stage and do a lot of crowd work.

00:38:31.000 And then he'd be like, stick around, you're going to enjoy Amy.

00:38:33.000 Like, it was, like, so annoying that I, I don't know.

00:38:37.000 I thought that was an extension of it.

00:38:38.000 What is wrong with those things?

00:38:41.000 Doing a lot of crowd work?

00:38:42.000 Like, when you're not the headliner?

00:38:43.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

00:38:44.000 I thought you said he was the headliner.

00:38:45.000 No, I was the headliner.

00:38:47.000 Oh, I was confused.

00:38:48.000 Because I thought you were saying, by him being loud, it was his way of saying, I'm the headliner?

00:38:52.000 No, like, he was saying, like, I should be headlining.

00:38:55.000 Oh, okay.

00:38:55.000 I feel like he was, like, trying to outplay.

00:38:58.000 Total miscommunication.

00:38:59.000 Yeah, no.

00:38:59.000 Yeah, oh, I would see that.

00:39:00.000 I could totally see how like middle acts would have a real hard time.

00:39:03.000 Yeah, no, I was there headlining and he was all weekend trying to assert himself like in the green room changing the channel and shit.

00:39:09.000 Okay, that totally makes sense.

00:39:11.000 I was like, I don't have the energy.

00:39:12.000 That totally makes sense.

00:39:13.000 I'm just like, you know, you're just like trying to feel good and be positive and whatever on the road.

00:39:17.000 So he would like try to put on the TV what he wanted to watch like when you were watching something else?

00:39:21.000 Yeah, he'd be like, some baseball game.

00:39:24.000 I was just like, oof.

00:39:25.000 Oh, really?

00:39:26.000 Yeah, and I don't want to get into an ego battle.

00:39:31.000 But I fucking will.

00:39:34.000 Dudes don't like working for women, that's for sure.

00:39:38.000 Especially egocentric comedians.

00:39:39.000 I try to be sensitive to that shit, though.

00:39:42.000 I just want to be treated like you would treat.

00:39:44.000 But I definitely get treated differently expectation-wise on the road.

00:39:50.000 Because I'm a girl, they'll think there's some expectation.

00:39:53.000 Not necessarily that I'm going to hook up with them, but that I'm a girl, so they'll come in the green room.

00:39:58.000 This past weekend, this guy was talking to me, just letting me know, like, hi, I'm from here.

00:40:03.000 And I was like, mm-hmm.

00:40:05.000 Would you do that to a tell?

00:40:08.000 Would you come in the green room and try and...

00:40:12.000 Paint your picture and give me your bio.

00:40:15.000 How is he doing this?

00:40:17.000 So you feel like when a guy does this, he doesn't respect you as much as you would a male comic?

00:40:23.000 I would like to be treated like a comic.

00:40:27.000 Like you would treat the headlining comic while I'm on the road.

00:40:30.000 But they treat me like a girl.

00:40:33.000 And guys are confused how they usually are with chicks.

00:40:36.000 That's how they treat me.

00:40:38.000 But I think I should first be treated like the headliner that weekend.

00:40:42.000 Just speaking to me like I'm working with you rather than throwing me any shit.

00:40:47.000 And you're not even trying to dominate them.

00:40:49.000 You just don't want them trying to dominate you.

00:40:51.000 You don't want them just getting weird with you.

00:40:53.000 Yeah, I just want them to treat me like normally and like they would treat any comedian.

00:40:57.000 Because there's some comics that won't even share a green room with the middle and the opening act.

00:41:03.000 It might get to that point just because of how much bullshit...

00:41:07.000 We've had problems in the past with guys that we didn't know.

00:41:11.000 When we did that Maxim comedy tour, I remember we kicked that guy out in Boston.

00:41:15.000 What was he doing?

00:41:16.000 Just super douchey.

00:41:18.000 Talking shit about everybody while they were on stage.

00:41:20.000 Talking shit about me.

00:41:21.000 Got really, really drunk.

00:41:23.000 He was just a creepy asshole.

00:41:25.000 And he was, you know, what we did, we had like, I don't remember what town was it.

00:41:29.000 I'm saying Boston, but it might not have been Boston.

00:41:31.000 Seems like it would be.

00:41:33.000 Yeah.

00:41:34.000 It adds up.

00:41:35.000 It might not have been, though.

00:41:36.000 I don't remember.

00:41:37.000 Because I don't remember the guy's name.

00:41:38.000 But it was one of those things where in each town they had a different opener.

00:41:42.000 A local guy would come up.

00:41:44.000 And most of them were fucking really good.

00:41:46.000 Tom Segura was hilarious.

00:41:47.000 That's where I met Tom.

00:41:48.000 Yeah, he's awesome.

00:41:48.000 He opened up in Phoenix.

00:41:50.000 Anyway, this dude just got hammered.

00:41:53.000 And I said to Brian, I think I said to you, I said, this is the last time I'm going to work with someone I don't know.

00:41:58.000 Yeah.

00:41:58.000 It's not worth it.

00:41:59.000 It's too much of a gamble.

00:42:01.000 Bring two friends.

00:42:02.000 I'm not rolling like that.

00:42:04.000 I can't pay for two people's hotel rooms.

00:42:06.000 But it's like...

00:42:07.000 The club, you know, you can work out deals with clubs.

00:42:10.000 Yeah.

00:42:11.000 Especially...

00:42:11.000 Amy, you need a goddamn podcast.

00:42:13.000 That's what you need.

00:42:14.000 Yeah, you do.

00:42:14.000 That's what you need.

00:42:15.000 This is the number one promotional tool for a stand-up comic because they're really going to get to know you.

00:42:20.000 How else, besides this kind of format, how the fuck else does anybody get to totally get to know you?

00:42:25.000 Exactly.

00:42:27.000 I think I just want people to get to know me that I want to get to know me.

00:42:30.000 Really?

00:42:31.000 I think so.

00:42:32.000 But what about your stand-up?

00:42:32.000 My stand-up is becoming more and more me, but it's just sort of an amplified version that whatever truth I want to get out there.

00:42:39.000 So, no, I mean, that's not true.

00:42:41.000 You're right.

00:42:42.000 But you do TV shows and stuff, right?

00:42:44.000 Yeah, no, I do.

00:42:45.000 And that's sort of to promote the comedy as well, right?

00:42:47.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:42:48.000 But in terms of people really knowing me and my personal shit, No, they don't have to know your personal shit.

00:42:54.000 You reveal what you want to be.

00:42:55.000 I know what you're talking about.

00:42:56.000 Yes, I get what you're saying.

00:42:58.000 Weird National Enquirer type shit.

00:43:00.000 Get into your personal life.

00:43:01.000 Or if you're one of those weird people that offers up every little single detail.

00:43:05.000 Yeah.

00:43:05.000 No, I understand what you were saying.

00:43:07.000 Yeah, that would make sense.

00:43:09.000 I feel really intimidated by all this technology shit here.

00:43:14.000 I don't even know how I would...

00:43:15.000 The first step of starting a podcast.

00:43:17.000 You just talked to that guy.

00:43:18.000 I don't want to ever see Brian again.

00:43:20.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

00:43:21.000 Are you living in New York City?

00:43:23.000 Yeah.

00:43:24.000 How often are you in L.A.? Almost never.

00:43:27.000 Oh, really?

00:43:27.000 You need to move to LA. Are you going to move out here?

00:43:30.000 Check this out.

00:43:30.000 75 degrees.

00:43:32.000 75 degrees.

00:43:33.000 What's up?

00:43:33.000 You can have space, a yard.

00:43:35.000 You want a yard and dogs and puppies?

00:43:37.000 You know what?

00:43:38.000 If I had a dude that I loved and we had a rabbit farm.

00:43:44.000 I'm hearing Blue Bayou by Olivia Newton-John or Linda Ronstadt, whatever.

00:43:49.000 That's what I'm hearing in the background while you're telling me that.

00:43:52.000 I don't know those songs, but that sounds good.

00:43:54.000 You don't know Linda Ronstadt?

00:43:55.000 No, I know Linda Ronstadt.

00:43:56.000 No, I don't know Blue Bayou.

00:43:57.000 Beautiful song.

00:43:58.000 Well, yeah, I would live here if I had a fam.

00:44:01.000 Go find Linda Ronstadt, Blue Bayou for her.

00:44:04.000 Because I want to hear this story.

00:44:05.000 I want to hear...

00:44:06.000 You're going to belittle my dreams right now?

00:44:08.000 No, I'm not going to belittle your dreams.

00:44:10.000 I just want a little background music to your dreams.

00:44:12.000 This is so cold-blooded.

00:44:14.000 Do you have it, Brian?

00:44:15.000 Yeah.

00:44:15.000 Just hit it real quick.

00:44:18.000 And I want you to tell me.

00:44:20.000 You're a horrible person.

00:44:21.000 I want you to tell me what the right relationship would be that would make you want to make me.

00:44:30.000 Brian, don't fuck with it, man.

00:44:31.000 Stop.

00:44:32.000 Brian, please don't fuck with my dreams right now.

00:44:34.000 This is a beautiful voice.

00:44:37.000 But it's a little sad.

00:44:39.000 Since I left my baby behind.

00:44:43.000 Oh, I know this song.

00:44:44.000 It's so sad.

00:44:45.000 It's very sad.

00:44:46.000 So tell me.

00:44:47.000 I just want a guy who listens and has a huge rod.

00:44:54.000 Knows when to tell me to shut the fuck up.

00:44:57.000 Yeah.

00:44:58.000 And when to tell me that my mom's a cunt.

00:45:00.000 So far, I like what you're saying.

00:45:01.000 Can you get that camera out of my face?

00:45:04.000 Are you insane?

00:45:07.000 Brian, fuck.

00:45:09.000 Oh, this is so sad.

00:45:10.000 This is so sad.

00:45:14.000 Oh my god.

00:45:15.000 Wait, I thought it was like Blue Bayou.

00:45:16.000 Blue Bayou, like a bayou.

00:45:18.000 Oh, okay, okay, okay.

00:45:18.000 I thought you were saying Blue Bayou.

00:45:21.000 Yeah.

00:45:23.000 I don't want to do this anymore.

00:45:25.000 You want to do this anymore?

00:45:26.000 Yeah, it's dark.

00:45:26.000 It's dark.

00:45:27.000 That is so sad.

00:45:30.000 What's the longest time you've ever stayed in Los Angeles?

00:45:32.000 A couple months.

00:45:34.000 Yeah?

00:45:34.000 Yeah, I like coming out here for a couple months if I'm working on something.

00:45:37.000 Do you find that it's because your friends are all back east?

00:45:40.000 All my friends moved here.

00:45:42.000 Oh, they did?

00:45:42.000 I don't have any friends in New York.

00:45:44.000 Really?

00:45:45.000 Get the fuck out of New York.

00:45:46.000 What's wrong with you?

00:45:47.000 Well, I have like two friends, but that's enough.

00:45:48.000 What is it that you love so much about New York?

00:45:51.000 I don't...

00:45:52.000 Okay, I think...

00:45:53.000 The pizza pies.

00:45:54.000 Is that what I sound like, Brian?

00:45:56.000 Really?

00:45:56.000 Yeah?

00:45:57.000 Brian?

00:45:58.000 Why?

00:45:59.000 It doesn't fucking sound anything like her.

00:46:01.000 You might be the worst impressionist to ever walk the face of the earth.

00:46:04.000 He's all psyched from Will's house.

00:46:06.000 The pizza pies.

00:46:07.000 Oh, Brian.

00:46:08.000 Let me...

00:46:09.000 Dude, I'm telling you.

00:46:10.000 I'm the next Frank Caliendo.

00:46:13.000 Listen to my Amy Schumer.

00:46:14.000 It's fucking on point.

00:46:15.000 Oh, my God.

00:46:16.000 It's like hearing myself.

00:46:19.000 I... Excuse me, Brian.

00:46:23.000 Don't mock her.

00:46:24.000 Our wonderful and talented guest, just because she's clearly too much for you to handle.

00:46:29.000 At the beginning of the show, she was making you a better person.

00:46:31.000 You've gone through a full relationship cycle, and now you've become the bitter guy at the end of every relationship that mocks his girlfriend as she's packing her shit.

00:46:38.000 I just don't get New York.

00:46:39.000 I'm sorry.

00:46:39.000 I just don't get...

00:46:40.000 You know that moment?

00:46:41.000 That seems scary to me.

00:46:43.000 That moment in a relationship where you're packing up and he's mocking you.

00:46:47.000 He's saying mocking shit.

00:46:49.000 I haven't had that.

00:46:50.000 I would flip the fuck out.

00:46:51.000 Would you?

00:46:51.000 Yeah.

00:46:52.000 Well, this is happening right now.

00:46:53.000 This is that moment.

00:46:54.000 You've gone a full relationship cycle in the course of your show.

00:46:57.000 Yeah.

00:46:57.000 Brian's like, oh, okay.

00:46:58.000 You're leaving?

00:46:58.000 Okay.

00:46:59.000 He's like, yeah, well, I just have a fucking problem with people like New York.

00:47:02.000 You know, it's all in the beginning.

00:47:04.000 When he first met you, if you were like, I really love New York.

00:47:08.000 I thought I'm moving there.

00:47:09.000 New York's pretty amazing.

00:47:11.000 Times Square, how do you fuck with that?

00:47:13.000 Now he's like totally over me.

00:47:14.000 He's like, fuck New York.

00:47:16.000 Fuck you.

00:47:18.000 Whatever.

00:47:19.000 You guys have gone through a full relationship cycle.

00:47:22.000 Brian, god damn it.

00:47:23.000 Let the girl like New York, bro.

00:47:25.000 I don't see why you're so creepy about that.

00:47:26.000 Yeah, like I like it there.

00:47:28.000 You know, because I feel like people in LA, a lot of them are playing at an identity.

00:47:36.000 Whereas people in New York, like if there's like an old, rich, mean Jewish chick on the Upper East Side, like that's really who she is.

00:47:43.000 Right.

00:47:44.000 People here are like buying an outfit and they're like, This is, like, you know, not everybody.

00:47:50.000 My best friends live out here, and they're not like that, but...

00:47:53.000 I know what you're saying.

00:47:54.000 The vast majority of people that you encounter, the higher percentage of them are more fucked up out here.

00:47:59.000 They're delusional.

00:48:00.000 Yeah, and I'm like angry going into any restaurant.

00:48:02.000 Like, everyone's looking around and everybody...

00:48:04.000 It's just a totally different vibe.

00:48:06.000 It's...

00:48:06.000 I don't think it's all of the people.

00:48:08.000 It's just like, you know, when I say about cops, like, most cops are cool as fuck.

00:48:12.000 The cops that I run into, most cops are good guys that are, you know, working a really tough job.

00:48:18.000 But there's a certain percentage, whatever it is, 1 or 2%, 10%, you make the number up, where they're just fucking cunts.

00:48:25.000 They're just cunts.

00:48:25.000 But they would be cunts if they were construction workers.

00:48:27.000 They would be cunts if they worked at the grocery store.

00:48:30.000 They're just shitty human beings.

00:48:31.000 But don't you think the percentage for L.A. is...

00:48:33.000 Yes.

00:48:33.000 Well, it's because of the fact that this is a magnet for people that want showbiz fame.

00:48:38.000 Yeah.

00:48:38.000 That's what it is.

00:48:39.000 I mean, you know how many people that come here with a...

00:48:41.000 Not a real dream, but like, oh, I wish.

00:48:45.000 You know, and it's like they don't do anything about it.

00:48:47.000 Right.

00:48:48.000 But they came here initially to become famous.

00:48:51.000 You'll meet them at flower stores.

00:48:53.000 You'll meet them in...

00:48:54.000 There's weird people.

00:48:55.000 That makes me sick.

00:48:55.000 Like, I don't like those people.

00:48:57.000 And I have like a weird...

00:49:01.000 What I want from this stuff is...

00:49:04.000 I'm confused by it because getting recognized and all that stuff is not...

00:49:08.000 I haven't experienced it as being fun.

00:49:11.000 I've gotten upgraded sometimes.

00:49:13.000 There's perks, but I like anonymity.

00:49:16.000 In New York, no one gives a shit if you are the most famous person.

00:49:20.000 I feel like you can ride around the subway and people generally leave you alone.

00:49:25.000 Because nobody gives a shit there.

00:49:26.000 I don't know.

00:49:27.000 I just like it more there.

00:49:28.000 So you think people give a shit there less than they give a shit here?

00:49:31.000 I do.

00:49:32.000 So that's what you want?

00:49:33.000 More people who just don't give a shit about being famous?

00:49:36.000 Yeah, or about seeing someone famous.

00:49:39.000 And it's weird because it's like I want to reach as many people as I can.

00:49:42.000 Like that's the goal, but I don't like...

00:49:44.000 I don't like...

00:49:46.000 Right, I see what you're saying.

00:49:47.000 But you're gonna get that anywhere.

00:49:49.000 You're gonna get that in New York City.

00:49:50.000 You're gonna get that anywhere.

00:49:51.000 It feels like home.

00:49:52.000 I hear what you're saying.

00:49:53.000 Well, if you've lived there for a long time...

00:49:55.000 The one thing that I definitely got when I first came here...

00:49:58.000 I was gonna totally move back to New York after my first sitcom was cancelled.

00:50:02.000 Because I didn't like the vibe out here at all.

00:50:03.000 It was my first time ever working with actors, ever, in my whole life.

00:50:07.000 I did this really bad sitcom on Fox called Hardball.

00:50:10.000 It was written by these two guys that were brilliant writers.

00:50:13.000 They worked for The Simpsons and married with children.

00:50:15.000 But then Fox got a hold of their sitcom and just fucked it.

00:50:19.000 Just stuck cocks in it.

00:50:21.000 It just fucking came all over its face.

00:50:24.000 Shut up!

00:50:25.000 Fucked its eye sockets.

00:50:26.000 Straightened its asshole.

00:50:27.000 Fucked its ears.

00:50:29.000 It was like when the brilliant vision that they had.

00:50:33.000 Jeff Martin and Kevin Kern were the guys.

00:50:35.000 The brilliant vision that they had became just this thing that had been fucked to death.

00:50:41.000 It was covered in cum like a glazed donut.

00:50:44.000 Just fucking sodomized.

00:50:45.000 I always tell everybody this because no one can believe how bad it was.

00:50:48.000 These guys, first of all, the guys who originally wrote it were really funny.

00:50:51.000 They were really funny guys.

00:50:52.000 And the pilot was funny.

00:50:53.000 It could have been funny.

00:50:54.000 It could have been a decent show.

00:50:56.000 But when they gave it to some guy who used to work on Coach, and he was like, you know, one of those, and then I said, this, what?

00:51:05.000 You know?

00:51:06.000 You know, those fucking robot shows where it's like you could just probe it into a computer.

00:51:10.000 Written by a computer, yeah.

00:51:10.000 Yeah, and it would be real easy to make that show.

00:51:14.000 And one of the lines was, I was on a desk with this girl, and we're about to have sex.

00:51:19.000 And the coach opens up the door, and I go, do you mind?

00:51:25.000 And he goes, yes, I mind, but...

00:51:29.000 No.

00:51:30.000 That's my desk you're attempting to defile.

00:51:36.000 Yeah, that's what he says.

00:51:36.000 And I say, I'm not defiling the desk, I'm defiling her.

00:51:41.000 That was actually a line.

00:51:42.000 And they were like, approved!

00:51:43.000 That was like, yes!

00:51:45.000 Done!

00:51:46.000 Moving on to the next line.

00:51:47.000 We actually said that with the cameras on.

00:51:50.000 That's how bad the show had gotten.

00:51:52.000 It was death.

00:51:54.000 So I was ready to pack up, but I fucked up and got a lease.

00:51:57.000 Because I thought the sitcom was going to go.

00:51:59.000 So I had a lease for a year.

00:52:00.000 And I still had a department in New York, but I was like, what the fuck am I going to do now?

00:52:03.000 Do I just leave this spot out here?

00:52:05.000 And then I wound up doing another sitcom afterwards.

00:52:08.000 But I was ready to go.

00:52:09.000 And my thing was just dealing with actors.

00:52:12.000 It was just dealing with the...

00:52:13.000 I like New York actors.

00:52:15.000 I really like New York actors.

00:52:17.000 Well, all of them, though, you know, I mean, I'm sure if you...

00:52:23.000 It's like cops and everything else.

00:52:25.000 Most actors, I think, are fine.

00:52:27.000 But it might be like 30% of them that you just fucking can't communicate with.

00:52:31.000 Yeah.

00:52:32.000 But I've found that it was the same, essentially, in New York as it was in L.A. It just feels so intense out here.

00:52:38.000 Well, they're hitting the hive.

00:52:40.000 The way girls dress for auditions is different.

00:52:42.000 Like, I always look like shit.

00:52:43.000 I look like newly homeless.

00:52:44.000 Yeah.

00:52:44.000 I walk in the room.

00:52:45.000 They are looking at me like, is she here to park cars?

00:52:48.000 And they're all perfectly flawless.

00:52:50.000 They dress cool.

00:52:51.000 And I get to be a non-threatening girl they all talk to in the waiting room.

00:52:56.000 But in New York, I look like the other chicks.

00:52:59.000 Non-threatening girl that they all talk to.

00:53:01.000 Everyone asks me questions.

00:53:03.000 Do you know where the bathroom is?

00:53:04.000 I think they think I'm working.

00:53:05.000 The level of like kept beauty up here is very, very high.

00:53:10.000 Like when you go to nice places and you see girls and they'll have perfect toes and expensive shoes and expensive bags.

00:53:16.000 Yeah, they look famous.

00:53:18.000 Beautiful clothes.

00:53:18.000 There's like a glow around them.

00:53:19.000 There's a lot of girls in LA that are hot as fuck that look like that.

00:53:23.000 And that's one of the things about the commodity of like, you know, if all you're selling is what you look like, Good fucking luck.

00:53:30.000 Good luck out here.

00:53:31.000 Because guess what?

00:53:32.000 And we age.

00:53:33.000 Yeah.

00:53:33.000 You got 10 years.

00:53:35.000 Ready?

00:53:35.000 Go!

00:53:36.000 The clock is ticking, sweetheart.

00:53:36.000 You better meet that guy.

00:53:39.000 That's why it's the darkest moments.

00:53:40.000 Have you frozen your eggs yet?

00:53:41.000 Huh?

00:53:41.000 Have you frozen your eggs yet?

00:53:42.000 Yeah, my eggs are frozen.

00:53:44.000 All of them.

00:53:44.000 Not all of them.

00:53:45.000 You gotta save a few.

00:53:46.000 Really?

00:53:47.000 For live rounds.

00:53:48.000 Oh, it's too late.

00:53:48.000 I'll thaw them out.

00:53:49.000 The idea is that in case you wait too long and then your box is dry, this way you'll have a few.

00:53:55.000 You can't just lube up your eggs?

00:53:57.000 No, there's no eggs left.

00:53:58.000 They all fall out.

00:53:59.000 Oh, they fall out of your body.

00:54:01.000 So you gotta suck them out early and freeze them.

00:54:03.000 Hold on, let me write this down, you guys.

00:54:05.000 Reproductive advice from Joe and Bride.

00:54:08.000 Technical terms, like suck out those eggs.

00:54:10.000 Suck out the eggs.

00:54:11.000 Do you know girls out here actually store their body fat also to be used later as injections in their face?

00:54:19.000 Does that look good?

00:54:21.000 No!

00:54:23.000 Why doesn't everybody stop doing that?

00:54:25.000 Don't do anything with your lips ever.

00:54:27.000 It's unfortunate that someone tricked girls into fucking with their lips the same way they did with their tits because the tits worked.

00:54:33.000 Because guys really don't care.

00:54:34.000 When a girl has fake tits, they're like, yeah.

00:54:37.000 Even though we know that there's like a bag of water under the skin that's making them pop out like that, we're so fucking stupid that any movement and change in the direction of your teeth, you're like, yeah, I like this shape better.

00:54:48.000 It's like an Egyptian hieroglyph thing.

00:54:51.000 It's like, for whatever it is, it's the shape of the woman's body.

00:54:54.000 Even though you know it's horseshit, but that is out the door with the lips.

00:54:59.000 When it comes to the lips, though, we don't like that.

00:55:01.000 You can't apply the same principles to tits as you can to lips.

00:55:04.000 And that's what they tried to do.

00:55:05.000 They tried to make the lips crazy and puffed up, thinking everybody's just going to go with it the way they go with tits.

00:55:10.000 But they didn't.

00:55:11.000 They went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:55:12.000 This is lips.

00:55:13.000 You can't do lips the way you do tits.

00:55:16.000 You can do tits all crazy and outrageous and guys like, hey, what's up, ladies?

00:55:19.000 How you doing?

00:55:20.000 But you get all fish face on dudes and they get creeped out.

00:55:23.000 There's something about the lips.

00:55:25.000 Yeah.

00:55:26.000 I saw a chick at the gym the other day.

00:55:27.000 She was blow-drying her hair.

00:55:28.000 She was like, not elderly, but she was getting up there.

00:55:31.000 And she clearly had implants and they were, they had just like, you know, the elasticity of her skin wasn't holding up.

00:55:38.000 So the implants had kind of fallen.

00:55:40.000 So her nipples were up top and her...

00:55:43.000 Like rocks in a sock.

00:55:44.000 I was just, I couldn't stop looking.

00:55:46.000 I was just like, and she was just blow-drying her hair like naked.

00:55:49.000 Oh, snap.

00:55:50.000 Maybe it was her way of warning.

00:55:52.000 Maybe there's girls who just like to take on rugged lesbians.

00:55:55.000 And it's like a fad.

00:55:57.000 And the only way to find them is you just gotta let those rocks hang out in the bathroom.

00:56:01.000 Yeah, just a girl who just looks like she's had a hard life and fucking...

00:56:04.000 You know, that's like a...

00:56:06.000 God, there's fetishes.

00:56:08.000 People are into weird shit.

00:56:08.000 That's true.

00:56:09.000 Maybe there's some lesbians that are only into running into girls that have had hard lives.

00:56:13.000 And so they're like, you know, their tits are all hanging out fucked up.

00:56:16.000 Scars and shit.

00:56:17.000 And they look at you like, what's up?

00:56:18.000 And the next thing you know, you're eating box in the handicapped stall.

00:56:21.000 Yeah.

00:56:21.000 You're eating somebody's pussy with no arms?

00:56:24.000 Okay.

00:56:24.000 It's not no arms, but like horrible implants.

00:56:27.000 Like rock implants.

00:56:29.000 I just, I don't know.

00:56:30.000 I wouldn't want anything fake on anybody.

00:56:31.000 Yeah, it is a weird thing that that not just became accepted, but fucking shot up.

00:56:36.000 Yeah.

00:56:36.000 But I've seen girls that have got them, like they had babies and then their boobies got all dehydrated.

00:56:42.000 You know, they like became pancake boobies.

00:56:44.000 Yeah.

00:56:44.000 And then they got their breast implants and they felt better.

00:56:48.000 Okay.

00:56:48.000 Yeah, I mean, whatever.

00:56:50.000 No judgments.

00:56:52.000 It does make it look better.

00:56:53.000 It's stupid.

00:56:54.000 It doesn't seem like it should make sense.

00:56:56.000 But it totally works.

00:56:57.000 It's a trick.

00:56:58.000 It's like the dumbest magic trick of all time.

00:57:00.000 It's a mirage.

00:57:01.000 Ready?

00:57:01.000 What's under my shirt?

00:57:04.000 Who knows?

00:57:05.000 I know what's under there.

00:57:07.000 It's a bag of water, you asshole.

00:57:08.000 It's a bag of water.

00:57:08.000 But meanwhile, I'm like, oh, I look like big real titties.

00:57:11.000 Because big real titties to a man, the shape of it that is on a mud flap gets our testicles to tingle.

00:57:20.000 It doesn't have to be actually real.

00:57:21.000 It's like a symbol.

00:57:23.000 It's so iconic in the man's mind.

00:57:25.000 This is the man's mind.

00:57:27.000 This isn't just your mind?

00:57:28.000 Like from talking to people like guys feel like this?

00:57:30.000 By the way, first of all, there's no way I could know if it's in everybody's mind.

00:57:34.000 But it sounds like you talk to other people about it.

00:57:36.000 Yeah, for dudes.

00:57:37.000 Well, I think that's why fake tits work.

00:57:39.000 That's why, I mean, that shape, the hourglass shape of a woman.

00:57:42.000 There's a reason why that is like an iconic shape, the hourglass shape.

00:57:46.000 Whereas like for a man, I mean, women like guys with nice bodies, but there's no like shape that you could like put up that represents a man's body to a woman.

00:57:54.000 No.

00:57:54.000 I think every woman really has a different taste in men's bodies, but I think for dudes, it's pretty much all.

00:58:00.000 It's that classic hourglass, big tits shape that's on the back.

00:58:04.000 Some guys like waifs, though.

00:58:06.000 Those guys are broken.

00:58:07.000 They're broken.

00:58:07.000 They have broken balls, or one of them doesn't work right.

00:58:11.000 Well, of course, I want to hear that, of course.

00:58:14.000 The chick that's on Sports Illustrated, I love her body.

00:58:17.000 Who's that?

00:58:18.000 Is that Kate Upton?

00:58:19.000 Kate Upton is a hero on our message board.

00:58:22.000 I'm psyched.

00:58:23.000 She has a body.

00:58:24.000 She's hot as fuck.

00:58:26.000 Whenever there's a thread on the message board for one of our podcasts, if the podcast goes astray and the subject of the podcast becomes something that they're not interested in at all, they just start posting Kate Upton pictures.

00:58:38.000 That's smart.

00:58:38.000 It's all Kate Upton.

00:58:39.000 It's hilarious, man.

00:58:41.000 That's really funny.

00:58:41.000 It's really funny.

00:58:42.000 So if a guest says something stupid or they don't want to listen to them anymore, it just becomes a Kate Upton photo festival.

00:58:48.000 Just Kate Upton time.

00:58:48.000 She's hot as fuck.

00:58:49.000 She is.

00:58:50.000 She's hot as fuck.

00:58:51.000 And she has like a, you know, she's not like shaped like a boy.

00:58:54.000 Yeah, she's got meat.

00:58:54.000 I don't like skinny girls.

00:58:56.000 I mean, I like them.

00:58:57.000 We can be friends.

00:58:58.000 But I'm saying, you know, I don't find that attractive.

00:59:01.000 Right.

00:59:02.000 Everybody's different.

00:59:02.000 Some chicks like black guys.

00:59:04.000 Right?

00:59:05.000 A lot of black guys like fat white girls.

00:59:07.000 Right?

00:59:07.000 Right.

00:59:07.000 A lot of white guys like Chinese girls.

00:59:09.000 It's true.

00:59:09.000 Everybody's allowed to, you're allowed to like your waifs.

00:59:12.000 Like whatever you want.

00:59:13.000 I saw something today that reminded me of one thing I definitely don't like, and that's flat asses.

00:59:18.000 Flat man asses.

00:59:20.000 Would you see what I think you saw?

00:59:21.000 I saw somebody stalking something at a store that I was at, and I was like, I just sat there and saw her butt.

00:59:27.000 You wore like a linens and things.

00:59:28.000 It was like an elderly woman.

00:59:29.000 Did you see someone who was on their balcony who was naked who paparazzi took photographs of?

00:59:34.000 No.

00:59:34.000 Okay, because that's Ariane from the UFC. Paparazzi took photographs of her.

00:59:39.000 Oh, really?

00:59:40.000 Yeah, they were on her balcony.

00:59:41.000 She was on her balcony naked.

00:59:42.000 And they were like, you know, from a long way away with a high-powered lens.

00:59:46.000 And they took pictures of her naked and put them all over the internet.

00:59:49.000 Are you serious?

00:59:49.000 That sucks.

00:59:50.000 Yeah.

00:59:51.000 What made you...

00:59:52.000 Why?

00:59:54.000 How did that come up?

00:59:54.000 Because some guys were saying that she had...

00:59:56.000 Oh.

00:59:56.000 Her buttocks were less than impressive.

00:59:58.000 She's a beautiful girl.

01:00:00.000 But, you know, look, guys have to realize there's a big difference between what a girl's ass normally looks like and a girl's ass looks like when she's posing for photos.

01:00:08.000 Right.

01:00:08.000 When chicks are just walking around like dudes, like naked, they don't even know that people are watching.

01:00:12.000 You know, they don't...

01:00:13.000 I don't know.

01:00:13.000 I think your ass is your ass.

01:00:15.000 Pucker their ass out.

01:00:16.000 Her ass is fine.

01:00:16.000 This was actually, imagine a 12-year-old boy's ass.

01:00:20.000 Who is this?

01:00:20.000 Talk slower.

01:00:21.000 Talk slower.

01:00:22.000 This person that was stalking something at the store was at.

01:00:26.000 I just had to sit there and stare at me.

01:00:28.000 What store?

01:00:29.000 Listen to what you just said.

01:00:31.000 This person that was stalking something at the store.

01:00:34.000 What are you saying?

01:00:36.000 I thought it was a young boy stalking it.

01:00:39.000 That's how bad her ass was.

01:00:39.000 And that's why you looked at her ass?

01:00:40.000 So I sat there and just kept on staring at it.

01:00:42.000 There was no ass at all.

01:00:45.000 Who were you talking about?

01:00:46.000 Just a woman, random woman?

01:00:47.000 Man, she's just trying to bring you your latte.

01:00:49.000 I know.

01:00:50.000 Who is this?

01:00:50.000 Who are you talking about?

01:00:51.000 This chick at Starbucks.

01:00:52.000 No, he's talking about someone who's in the audience.

01:00:54.000 Someone who's buying something at Starbucks.

01:00:56.000 No, I'm talking about an employee stalking something.

01:00:59.000 An employee?

01:00:59.000 Yeah.

01:01:00.000 Jesus Christ.

01:01:01.000 Oh, Jesus, Brian.

01:01:02.000 I've said it four times.

01:01:03.000 No, you said stalking.

01:01:05.000 I thought you said stalking.

01:01:07.000 You knew what I meant.

01:01:08.000 I didn't know you meant stalking items like on a shelf.

01:01:11.000 I'm like, what is he talking about?

01:01:13.000 The employee was stalking someone?

01:01:15.000 What the fuck?

01:01:16.000 And you're watching him stalk them and they have a flat ass?

01:01:19.000 What kind of crazy conversation is this?

01:01:21.000 There's no excuse.

01:01:22.000 It was like one of those Spanish things where, you know, you say the wrong word and they want to shoot you.

01:01:26.000 No, no bueno.

01:01:27.000 Does that happen a lot?

01:01:28.000 No.

01:01:28.000 But if you know what I'm saying, you think you know the language, but you use the word incorrectly.

01:01:31.000 Oh, yes, yes.

01:01:32.000 And you're fucked.

01:01:33.000 Yeah, this led to one of those fucking...

01:01:34.000 Yeah, that was like Abby and Costello right there.

01:01:37.000 Yeah, it was.

01:01:37.000 It was on first.

01:01:38.000 It was on first.

01:01:40.000 So this person has a small ass.

01:01:42.000 Yeah, it was not only was it flat, it was like one of those indented asses, but it was so small.

01:01:48.000 You're mad at this chick's ass.

01:01:50.000 Well, that right there, I don't know if I could date her because to me it looks like a deformation.

01:01:55.000 Like I see her and I'm like, you're a deform.

01:01:57.000 This would hurt me less if I haven't seen your ass.

01:02:00.000 But I've seen your ass.

01:02:01.000 Oh, my ass?

01:02:02.000 Oh yeah, my ass is horrible.

01:02:04.000 Everyone's a critic no matter what their ass looks like.

01:02:05.000 His ass is horrific.

01:02:07.000 There's no way he should be talking about anybody's ass ever.

01:02:10.000 Maybe that's why he's so upset because it's something that he sees in himself.

01:02:13.000 Yeah, it's something that he sees in himself.

01:02:14.000 It's like a mirror.

01:02:15.000 It's like Man in the Mirror, Michael Jackson.

01:02:16.000 I don't see...

01:02:20.000 That's it.

01:02:21.000 That is what it is, Brian.

01:02:22.000 We learned a lot about ourselves today.

01:02:24.000 We're getting somewhere.

01:02:25.000 Actually, I've been told by many of my ex-girlfriends that I have that cute ass.

01:02:29.000 Amy Schumer, move here and do our podcast on a permanent basis.

01:02:31.000 Please.

01:02:32.000 Yeah, you should.

01:02:32.000 We want to make you famous.

01:02:33.000 You can live in the studio.

01:02:34.000 We can make you famous.

01:02:35.000 For real.

01:02:37.000 You're a monster.

01:02:38.000 You're hilarious.

01:02:38.000 Thank you.

01:02:39.000 I'm going to move here, you guys.

01:02:40.000 You were throwing it out as a hypothetical.

01:02:43.000 I'm going to show up tomorrow with my bags.

01:02:45.000 Dude, that's fine.

01:02:45.000 I'm not throwing it out as a hypothetical.

01:02:47.000 My rich and famous papers.

01:02:48.000 We'll have you on every week.

01:02:49.000 You got a couch, you got a bathroom for number one, so you can do number two.

01:02:53.000 Do you think that they'll let me do guest spots at the Ice House?

01:02:55.000 Every day.

01:02:55.000 I think, you know what, every radio show that's ever existed, they always try to stick a woman on the show.

01:03:00.000 They always go, oh, we need to balance it out, we're going to balance it out.

01:03:03.000 And men resist, like Opie and Anthony call them holes.

01:03:05.000 Yeah, I love those guys.

01:03:07.000 Radio holes, those guys are awesome.

01:03:08.000 They're the best.

01:03:08.000 They're right, they're right, but you are different.

01:03:11.000 Thank you.

01:03:11.000 You actually would bring a funny female perspective to a podcast.

01:03:15.000 Thanks a lot.

01:03:15.000 You should totally be doing one.

01:03:16.000 Thank you.

01:03:17.000 You're welcome!

01:03:18.000 I know what you mean, though.

01:03:19.000 They're like, okay, let's find the least unbearable girl and hope she knows when to not talk.

01:03:24.000 Well, it's usually she's hot and she's sassy.

01:03:27.000 She can hang with the guys.

01:03:30.000 And we could call it your stepmom's house.

01:03:36.000 Is that like an inside joke?

01:03:37.000 Yeah.

01:03:37.000 Tom Segura and his wife, Christina Paziski, they have one called Your Mom's House.

01:03:41.000 Oh, okay.

01:03:42.000 It's a joke.

01:03:42.000 It's totally a joke.

01:03:45.000 Guys, include me in all jokes from now on.

01:03:47.000 So sorry.

01:03:49.000 Okay, all right.

01:03:50.000 I'm going to move out here.

01:03:52.000 All right.

01:03:52.000 I'm moving out here, you guys.

01:03:53.000 You are?

01:03:54.000 Yeah.

01:03:54.000 Yes!

01:03:55.000 That's all it took.

01:03:56.000 That's all it took.

01:03:57.000 Listen, you don't want to be in the snow.

01:03:58.000 Wow, I just sold out on New York.

01:03:59.000 Fuck all that cold weather and shit.

01:04:00.000 I have no friends.

01:04:01.000 Hey, medical marijuana.

01:04:03.000 Oh, that's right.

01:04:03.000 Medical marijuana.

01:04:05.000 And you can have your own podcast show.

01:04:07.000 Have I, what?

01:04:07.000 Have you been to the stores yet?

01:04:08.000 I've never been into the store.

01:04:10.000 We're going to take you right after we leave here.

01:04:11.000 We're going to take you right into a medical marijuana store.

01:04:13.000 Really?

01:04:14.000 Yes.

01:04:14.000 I'd love to.

01:04:15.000 Yes, that's what we're going to do.

01:04:16.000 As soon as we leave here, we're going to take you right to...

01:04:17.000 I like this pot, by the way.

01:04:19.000 Dude, this is, we know the guy who makes this.

01:04:21.000 Really?

01:04:21.000 You don't even have to worry about terrorism.

01:04:23.000 We know the guy who actually grows this.

01:04:25.000 You can't say, maybe my weed is supporting Mexican gangs.

01:04:28.000 Maybe my weed is supporting terrorism.

01:04:31.000 We don't have to worry about this weed, because this weed is 100% not created by bad people.

01:04:36.000 Good.

01:04:41.000 Thank you.

01:04:42.000 You guys are such good hosts.

01:04:43.000 You're welcome.

01:04:43.000 Am I supposed to do it off camera?

01:04:45.000 I'll put it on my face.

01:04:46.000 If you do it on camera though, it's really bad for your career.

01:04:49.000 Wow.

01:04:50.000 Thank you.

01:04:52.000 What was it?

01:04:54.000 A.B. Schumer, do you want to join the death squad?

01:04:57.000 That sounds good.

01:04:59.000 Alright, so your stepmom's house is going to be you and Natasha Leggero.

01:05:03.000 No, just kidding.

01:05:04.000 Ah!

01:05:05.000 That's another inside joke.

01:05:07.000 Our friend Duncan used to date Natasha Leggero, and then they broke up.

01:05:09.000 I know, I just heard.

01:05:10.000 I love her.

01:05:11.000 I don't know Duncan.

01:05:11.000 You love him more, though?

01:05:13.000 I don't know Duncan.

01:05:14.000 Like, what's up?

01:05:15.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:05:16.000 He's a free man.

01:05:16.000 Duncan, I don't know him, but...

01:05:18.000 But what's up?

01:05:18.000 If he could pay my bills, I don't...

01:05:20.000 I bet he could help you.

01:05:21.000 You know, he could help you a little.

01:05:22.000 Can he get me a hat?

01:05:23.000 Because I'm willing.

01:05:23.000 He could help you get a hat.

01:05:25.000 I'm willing.

01:05:27.000 I just heard Natasha on Adam Carolla.

01:05:29.000 It was really funny.

01:05:30.000 She's very funny, and I'm glad that Duncan and her are cool with each other.

01:05:34.000 Yeah, they're going to be friends.

01:05:35.000 Don't feel like you have to pick team Duncan.

01:05:38.000 Being friends right away.

01:05:39.000 They're going to be friends right away.

01:05:40.000 Totally amicable.

01:05:41.000 I think it's great to not see your ex.

01:05:42.000 Because they're both adults, you fucking child.

01:05:44.000 Very intelligent.

01:05:45.000 No, but if you still have feelings for somebody, you don't want to...

01:05:48.000 The problem is you want to fuck them again.

01:05:49.000 Yeah, you want to fuck them again, so just don't see them.

01:05:51.000 Especially when you haven't seen them in a while.

01:05:53.000 Yeah.

01:05:54.000 It becomes a problem.

01:05:55.000 God damn it.

01:05:57.000 Yeah, you know what?

01:05:58.000 The human body is a strange fucking thing.

01:06:00.000 You know, when you had moments with someone, and then all of a sudden you're in front of them again, and especially when no one's around, you know, if you like, you know, you just for whatever strange reason just run into them somewhere, and all of a sudden you're standing face to face, and you want to give them a hug, and so then you do, and then you gotta think, now what's up?

01:06:18.000 We broke up for a reason.

01:06:19.000 But the chemicals in your body are like, put something in your body.

01:06:23.000 Get in there.

01:06:24.000 Get in there.

01:06:25.000 Remember when we used to fuck her?

01:06:26.000 Something better enter you.

01:06:27.000 Yeah, your penis starts going, we used to fuck her, right?

01:06:30.000 Hey, we could do it again.

01:06:32.000 Hey, I remember this.

01:06:32.000 Hey, it was fun, right?

01:06:33.000 I thought it was fun too.

01:06:34.000 I don't know the smell.

01:06:34.000 Brian Cowan.

01:06:35.000 And then if you keep doing that over and over again, you'll never get out of relationships.

01:06:39.000 Yeah, so my thing is don't talk, don't be at the same place.

01:06:42.000 I've had buddies that will break up with the same girl six, seven times because they will always get together and fucking, the fucking is so good and they just...

01:06:50.000 Because it feels like home and you're like happy to not be fucking a stranger on the road.

01:06:53.000 Yes, happy to not be fucking a stranger and then on top of it, well it's not even that.

01:06:56.000 It's this weird thing that happens when you break up and then you make up.

01:06:59.000 Like the make up is like really intense.

01:07:01.000 It's so exciting, yeah.

01:07:02.000 Especially if you're convinced that you're never going to make up.

01:07:04.000 Like, if you've insulted each other or said crazy shit to each other, you know?

01:07:09.000 And then people get in, like, patterns.

01:07:12.000 Like, and you can recognize those patterns when you start dating someone because they'll try to pull that shit on you, you know?

01:07:16.000 They'll, like, insult you and they'll say something creepy to you.

01:07:19.000 And you're like, whoa, what the fuck is this?

01:07:20.000 It came out of nowhere.

01:07:21.000 Well, it came out of nowhere because that's just how they rock it.

01:07:23.000 Like, every relationship they get in, it's, like, starts off real good, get real close to each other, and then get fucking nasty with each other.

01:07:31.000 And then recover.

01:07:32.000 And then recover.

01:07:34.000 I only had one relationship where we got nasty to each other.

01:07:38.000 Since then, it's been pretty smooth sailing in and out.

01:07:41.000 That is the worst.

01:07:42.000 There's no darker feeling than someone who you used to tell, I love you, and you used to make out with them, and you have sex with them, and then all of a sudden you're yelling at each other in angry words, and they're saying insulting shit to you.

01:07:54.000 Shit you can't take back.

01:07:55.000 You're like, whoa.

01:07:56.000 I only had one like that.

01:07:58.000 It's been okay since then.

01:08:00.000 I refuse to participate in that shit.

01:08:02.000 No.

01:08:02.000 I haven't had a relationship like that since I was in my 20s.

01:08:06.000 And the last one that did happen, I clearly remember saying, alright, this is never going to happen again.

01:08:12.000 I can never allow myself to get in this sort of a situation where every time I'm around this person, there's some sort of argument or debate.

01:08:21.000 It brings out the worst in you.

01:08:22.000 Or jockeying for position.

01:08:24.000 There's a weird jockeying of power sometimes that goes on in some combinations of relationships.

01:08:30.000 It's like maybe your confidence triggers the weirdest parts of some guy.

01:08:35.000 Have you ever had that happen?

01:08:37.000 Where the guy is probably pretty cool with a lot of people, but then he gets around.

01:08:41.000 Only once.

01:08:42.000 I've got to think you being a comic and being smart and quick.

01:08:46.000 Those two, that must be issues with some dudes.

01:08:51.000 Guys who aren't comics?

01:08:52.000 Do you date guys who aren't comics?

01:08:54.000 I've only dated one comic.

01:08:55.000 Really?

01:08:56.000 Yeah.

01:08:57.000 Too fucked up?

01:08:58.000 Huh?

01:08:58.000 Comics are too fucked up?

01:08:59.000 No, I was saying to Brian, I don't make statements like that.

01:09:03.000 I'd love to think, I'll never date a comic again.

01:09:05.000 I don't know.

01:09:06.000 I don't know.

01:09:07.000 It's nice to be with somebody who speaks your language.

01:09:09.000 That does help.

01:09:10.000 But do you want to date someone as fucked up as you, really?

01:09:14.000 I don't think I've met somebody who's fucked up.

01:09:15.000 It just seems like you always have to follow.

01:09:18.000 You fuck with somebody you work with.

01:09:20.000 You're going to pay in the end.

01:09:22.000 With comics, comedy clubs, it's like working out of place.

01:09:26.000 And it's like you're on stage doing your shit.

01:09:30.000 Not persona, but whatever.

01:09:32.000 The shit you do on stage.

01:09:34.000 But then seeing somebody that makes you so vulnerable and you can't in good conscience keep up that facade when you're like...

01:09:42.000 You know, you just want to go home and cry.

01:09:45.000 Damn.

01:09:46.000 Sucks.

01:09:46.000 I've only dated one, like, abusive, crazy, crazy asshole.

01:09:49.000 And, yeah, I really, I was like, I'll never do this again.

01:09:52.000 I never did.

01:09:52.000 But we brought out the worst.

01:09:53.000 Was it your first black guy?

01:09:55.000 I'm yet to go to the dark side.

01:09:58.000 That's my New Year's resolution, though.

01:10:00.000 I feel like, I hope that I fuck a black guy this year.

01:10:03.000 Whoa!

01:10:03.000 I know a professional.

01:10:06.000 I'm a professional, but it's just like, I don't know, I feel racist that I've never been with a black guy.

01:10:11.000 For real?

01:10:12.000 I asked my therapist, I'm like, does that make me racist?

01:10:14.000 And she's like, no, but I think she was just trying to make me feel racist.

01:10:17.000 There's this guy that Joe wants to hook you up with.

01:10:19.000 His name is Rampage.

01:10:19.000 He's a really nice guy.

01:10:21.000 Sounds great.

01:10:23.000 That's my favorite video game.

01:10:23.000 He wears a chain while you fuck, but you could probably wear a chest protector and you'd be fine for most impact.

01:10:28.000 That's what I want.

01:10:28.000 I want a brother.

01:10:30.000 I want to feel his ankle bracelet when we're fucking.

01:10:32.000 We need a ton of lube just for his elbows.

01:10:35.000 No, I'm kidding.

01:10:35.000 Coconut lotion or that shit's called.

01:10:38.000 I think it's...

01:10:39.000 His elbows?

01:10:40.000 I think it's just...

01:10:41.000 You went dark, girl.

01:10:42.000 You took a chance.

01:10:42.000 You went down weirdo lane.

01:10:44.000 I went down racist lane.

01:10:45.000 I'm not a...

01:10:46.000 No, I really did make that as my New Year's resolution, but I don't know if it's going to happen.

01:10:52.000 Yeah, I know people that are comics and only date comics and it never works out.

01:10:55.000 It's just like not a good idea.

01:10:57.000 It's like high school.

01:10:58.000 You're at the same shows every night.

01:11:00.000 Well, not only that, I think it's better in life, in my opinion, to experience things from when you're close to someone, whether they're friends or whether they're, you know, co-workers or whatever.

01:11:10.000 when you're really close to someone, you're experiencing life when you communicate with them through a different perspective, you know, a completely different perspective.

01:11:17.000 So if you're dating someone that has like a completely different set of interests and a completely different set of desires, like someone who sees life from, you know, a totally different viewpoint than a performer, like you're going to get, you'll, it'll, I think it like will broaden Your perspective.

01:11:33.000 Oh, you do?

01:11:34.000 I think...

01:11:35.000 It'll give you more perspective.

01:11:36.000 Yeah, when you date people that are outside of your line of show business or even any line of work, I would think.

01:11:42.000 If you're limited...

01:11:44.000 It seems appealing.

01:11:44.000 Yeah, if you're like a CEO and you only date CEO chicks and you get together and have some CEO sex...

01:11:49.000 Yeah, and you guys talk about CEO shit.

01:11:51.000 I don't know.

01:11:52.000 Creepy little line are you staying on there.

01:11:55.000 Yeah, it started to feel very incestuous just talking about...

01:12:01.000 Oh, did you hear what Colin Quinn said tonight?

01:12:03.000 Like, right after we...

01:12:04.000 One time we fucked to Dices before the laughter died, like, by accident.

01:12:08.000 And I was just like, this is too close to home.

01:12:11.000 Like, when does the work stop?

01:12:13.000 And the...

01:12:14.000 So...

01:12:14.000 No, but right now what I'm dealing with is...

01:12:15.000 By the way, which is one of the greatest comedy CDs of all time.

01:12:18.000 Oh, it's fucking unbelievable.

01:12:18.000 We couldn't help but fuck.

01:12:20.000 We were so psyched.

01:12:20.000 Folks who don't know, if you don't know this CD, when Dice Clay was at...

01:12:25.000 Dice Clay, by the way, wants to do the podcast.

01:12:27.000 And I got his number and we're going to call him.

01:12:29.000 He doesn't have a cell phone and he doesn't have a voicemail at home.

01:12:33.000 He just has a phone.

01:12:35.000 And if you call him, you either get me or you get me.

01:12:38.000 Oh!

01:12:39.000 Is that his machine?

01:12:41.000 No, it doesn't have an answering machine.

01:12:43.000 Oh, god damn.

01:12:44.000 If he doesn't answer the phone, that's it.

01:12:45.000 You're not talking to him.

01:12:46.000 That's so funny.

01:12:47.000 I love it.

01:12:48.000 That's awesome.

01:12:49.000 And when he was huge, when he was at the top of the heap, he put out a CD, a two CD recording.

01:12:56.000 A double album.

01:12:56.000 A double album of him bombing.

01:12:58.000 Yes.

01:12:59.000 He went to Dangerfields.

01:13:00.000 Walking the whole room.

01:13:00.000 Yeah.

01:13:01.000 He went to Dangerfields completely unannounced.

01:13:03.000 And you've got to understand, folks, when this was happening, when Dice put the CD out, Dice was filling coliseums.

01:13:10.000 Dice Clay was the biggest, most explosive stand-up comedian of all time.

01:13:15.000 I always say that.

01:13:16.000 There's no guy who had more success.

01:13:18.000 And he doesn't get a lot of credit because it was really juvenile.

01:13:22.000 For whatever reason, for some people it's not good.

01:13:25.000 I loved it.

01:13:25.000 I'll tell you what, I fucking loved Dice Clay.

01:13:27.000 I loved it.

01:13:28.000 Especially when I was a kid.

01:13:29.000 Yeah.

01:13:29.000 When I was with my girlfriend when we were like 19, 18, 19, and we were listening to a cassette of Andrew Dice Clay, we were fucking howling laughing.

01:13:38.000 Yeah.

01:13:38.000 Way before I ever thought I would ever do stand-up comedy, but I remember thinking, this guy is fucking hilarious.

01:13:43.000 He just was going for every single fucking thing.

01:13:47.000 Just going for it.

01:13:48.000 And just beyond committing.

01:13:50.000 He's a fucking genius.

01:13:51.000 And Norton security guy, Kenny, you know, used to be Dice's guy.

01:13:56.000 And the stories that he tells just make you love Dice even more.

01:14:00.000 He's fucking crazy.

01:14:00.000 So this is what he does.

01:14:02.000 He's on top of the world.

01:14:04.000 He goes to Dangerfields, just shows up, and he does an album of him with no material at all!

01:14:10.000 Zero.

01:14:10.000 He just went up and just talked shit for like two hours.

01:14:14.000 Ruined every audience member's life.

01:14:16.000 Oh my god.

01:14:17.000 Attacked people.

01:14:18.000 I think maybe there were like four people left at the end.

01:14:20.000 I don't know.

01:14:20.000 It was so crazy.

01:14:21.000 It was a complete CD of non-comedy.

01:14:25.000 And he sold it!

01:14:27.000 And there were still some funny moments.

01:14:29.000 It's worth listening.

01:14:30.000 There's a guy named Mike Donovan who's like a Boston legend.

01:14:32.000 And when I was coming up, he was one of the guys that I really admired.

01:14:35.000 And he was crying, laughing, recounting Dice doing Nixon while he was eating a girl's ass.

01:14:43.000 He was like, I'll do Nixon in that ass.

01:14:48.000 Pleasure by me too.

01:14:50.000 He was doing his Nixon impression, and Mike Donovan was crying tears in the back room of the Comedy Connection.

01:14:58.000 Crying tears, recounting it, talking about how great that CD is.

01:15:02.000 Especially for a comic.

01:15:04.000 For any up-and-coming comic, man, you must get The Day the Laughter Died.

01:15:09.000 You must get that.

01:15:10.000 Because at first you start and you want the crowd to like you.

01:15:13.000 And then you get a healthy hatred of the crowd.

01:15:17.000 And then an indifference creeps in.

01:15:20.000 That's where I am now.

01:15:21.000 Just total indifference.

01:15:24.000 Well, it's like ugly guys and girls.

01:15:26.000 Ugly guys and girls have this thing where they love the girl, but the girl doesn't love them back.

01:15:30.000 So every time they see a pretty girl, they have this feeling of pain inside of them.

01:15:34.000 That connection with rejection.

01:15:36.000 See, it's not that the crowd is terrible.

01:15:38.000 It's just in the beginning, we're all terrible, so we grow to hate the crowd because so many times they've punished us.

01:15:44.000 For the truth.

01:15:46.000 Yeah, for the truth.

01:15:47.000 And then we love them, but it's not satisfying enough.

01:15:51.000 Well, we have to get good enough to be better than them.

01:15:54.000 Yeah.

01:15:54.000 And to sort of guide them along.

01:15:56.000 Right.

01:15:56.000 And then...

01:15:57.000 They're listening.

01:15:59.000 Guide them along into my comedy journey.

01:16:01.000 Oh, God.

01:16:01.000 No, I honestly believe that there's a lot of comics that develop this sort of hate for their audience.

01:16:07.000 And it's really strange.

01:16:08.000 And I think the only thing that makes sense is they connect it with bad feelings.

01:16:11.000 They connect their audience with...

01:16:14.000 Some reflection of how they've put out their own energy and their own personality and how people respond to that.

01:16:21.000 And then their own material.

01:16:23.000 If they've had bad sets or if they've had bad things happen in the crowd.

01:16:28.000 And they associate that bad feeling with everyone who comes to see them.

01:16:33.000 I've met a lot of old guys that have been in the business for a long time.

01:16:36.000 That stayed with that experience.

01:16:37.000 I don't give a fuck what these people want.

01:16:38.000 I'm going to feed them what I do.

01:16:40.000 They like it or they don't like it, and the show is over.

01:16:42.000 All right, folks, get the fuck out of here.

01:16:44.000 And they really do develop that sort of defense mechanism.

01:16:47.000 Yeah.

01:16:47.000 I try to be exactly the opposite.

01:16:50.000 I try to...

01:16:51.000 By now, I have, like, when I do shows...

01:16:54.000 People come out that know me.

01:16:56.000 It's my crowd.

01:16:58.000 So when it's my crowd, it's way easier.

01:17:00.000 We know we're just going to have fun.

01:17:02.000 Right.

01:17:02.000 I feel very open when I go out there.

01:17:05.000 Just like when I meet someone in life, I give them the benefit of the doubt.

01:17:09.000 And I'm into it.

01:17:11.000 But I feel like I don't need anything from them right now where I am.

01:17:16.000 I'm not like...

01:17:17.000 I'm not like, please laugh or please like me.

01:17:20.000 And I'm not like, I don't know.

01:17:22.000 I don't feel scared at all.

01:17:23.000 As an intelligent person, when you're involved in this sort of a bizarre line of work, there's a self-analysis that comes along with creating new material.

01:17:32.000 And a lot of times you start looking at this weird relationship that you have to this strange group of people.

01:17:36.000 Like, I'm seeking their approval, and I'm doing this, and I'm changing who I am.

01:17:40.000 You know, and there's a weird, like, there's a weird thing that goes back and forth when you're an intelligent person and you're analyzing anything where you're sort of insisting on the approval of mass amounts of people.

01:17:51.000 Which is what your comedy is.

01:17:53.000 Totally.

01:17:53.000 Even more so than like music.

01:17:55.000 Yeah, but like, okay, but before you were saying about being a chick and that it might limit the subject matter you can talk about.

01:18:04.000 I didn't want to say limit.

01:18:05.000 What I said is makes it more difficult.

01:18:06.000 I think I'm more impressed when a chick can skirt the issues of sex or politics or any position of authority or someone to make sense.

01:18:16.000 Yeah.

01:18:16.000 Because guys don't want to hear a girl make sense that they haven't figured out.

01:18:20.000 Does that make sense?

01:18:22.000 That makes total sense.

01:18:23.000 But that's what I feel like I've been doing on stage about sex stuff.

01:18:28.000 Talking about the female experience and not for the sake of shock and not for the sake of making anybody uncomfortable or trying to belittle or alienate the dudes.

01:18:42.000 It's not like that.

01:18:43.000 And I think that I've found a way to make it acceptable for people to digest.

01:18:48.000 I bet you have.

01:18:49.000 You're smart.

01:18:49.000 You can do it.

01:18:50.000 It's not impossible, but it's more difficult.

01:18:53.000 But in that way, my reason for saying that is like, so I'm paying attention to the experience that the audience is having.

01:19:00.000 If they're not laughing and not with me, I'm not going to be like, well, I don't care.

01:19:03.000 This is the path I'm on.

01:19:05.000 I'm fed by that and I react to it, but I just don't feel like...

01:19:09.000 Like, you know, I just, I don't know, where I used to.

01:19:12.000 If a joke didn't work, I would sort of just tap dance to the next one and be like, maybe this will, and that just, you know, that, I think just from bombing so hard so many times, the fear leaves you because you've lived out all your fears on stage.

01:19:24.000 Right, yeah.

01:19:26.000 Yeah, the moments of deep bombing, though.

01:19:28.000 Right now people are like, Kate Upton.

01:19:33.000 But it's true.

01:19:34.000 The bombing moments are clarity moments.

01:19:36.000 Yeah, they're important.

01:19:37.000 But I think that that's where people develop the bad relationship with the audience.

01:19:41.000 Yeah.

01:19:41.000 I think it's like a guy, an ugly dude with pretty girls.

01:19:44.000 Just so used to getting rejected that you're like, fuck these bitches.

01:19:46.000 Yeah.

01:19:47.000 Look at all these lesbians.

01:19:48.000 They don't even like my dick.

01:19:50.000 What's up?

01:19:50.000 Let's go to a strip club.

01:19:51.000 Yeah, I think it's a natural thing for people to do.

01:19:54.000 I loved your...

01:19:55.000 One of the videos where you were...

01:19:57.000 How you dealt with a female heckler.

01:20:01.000 You were like, I'm not...

01:20:03.000 You just really explained the truth to her.

01:20:05.000 I think you were like, I'm not your boyfriend.

01:20:06.000 Or I'm not trying to fuck you.

01:20:08.000 I'm not going to act like what you're saying is interesting.

01:20:10.000 Not that those were your words.

01:20:12.000 But I learned from that.

01:20:14.000 I was like, oh, the absolute truth is the funniest shit.

01:20:19.000 You didn't insult...

01:20:21.000 Her, whatever.

01:20:22.000 You were just like, here's the situation.

01:20:24.000 Yeah.

01:20:24.000 I didn't have to.

01:20:25.000 I was like, you're not fascinating to me.

01:20:27.000 Yeah.

01:20:27.000 Like, there's...

01:20:28.000 I'm not going to pretend like you're interesting.

01:20:30.000 Like, the guys that want to bang you.

01:20:31.000 Yeah.

01:20:31.000 Like, just shut up.

01:20:33.000 We had a woman in Vegas a couple of weeks ago.

01:20:35.000 That was in Vegas, too.

01:20:36.000 The one I think you're thinking of.

01:20:37.000 Which, Vegas, they just go the deepest.

01:20:39.000 Vegas, fucking...

01:20:39.000 Because they're usually on meth or ecstasy or something.

01:20:42.000 They're all fucked up.

01:20:42.000 They lost.

01:20:42.000 Yeah, Advil.

01:20:43.000 They're on...

01:20:44.000 Advil.

01:20:45.000 They're flying.

01:20:46.000 They're flying.

01:20:46.000 Ibuprofen.

01:20:46.000 Who knows what the fuck they're doing in Vegas.

01:20:49.000 There was a girl last time, we were there, she stood up for like 10 minutes.

01:20:53.000 For 10 minutes, she was like standing up in the audience while I destroyed her.

01:20:57.000 What was her goal?

01:20:57.000 It was bizarre.

01:20:58.000 I'm totally exaggerating on the 10 minutes.

01:21:00.000 It was like 90 seconds.

01:21:01.000 And she was just going to the bathroom.

01:21:02.000 Two minutes back.

01:21:03.000 But no, she was standing up for a long time, screaming and yelling at me.

01:21:06.000 She was just crazy.

01:21:07.000 She was just pretty, and she just thought, for whatever reason, she just could be running this room.

01:21:13.000 I think they're just confused.

01:21:15.000 She's seen Coyote Ugly too many times.

01:21:17.000 She thought she could just stand up and start a revolution.

01:21:20.000 She starts flair bartending in the audience.

01:21:22.000 She's like, but what about somebody play The Devil Went Down to Detroit?

01:21:28.000 Yeah, do a little bit of this in the audience.

01:21:30.000 Play Cotton Eye Joe.

01:21:31.000 She starts river dancing.

01:21:32.000 You're like, that's not why I'm here.

01:21:34.000 For whatever reason, she just really, really wanted to be the center of attention.

01:21:38.000 So she just caused this massive commotion.

01:21:40.000 I now talk to them like I would talk to a toddler.

01:21:43.000 I'll be like, do you feel like you need attention right now?

01:21:46.000 Yes, that's important.

01:21:48.000 Do you need it to be for me?

01:21:49.000 Or maybe the people you're with at your table could maybe...

01:21:52.000 What led you to this deficit?

01:21:55.000 Can you check in to this deficit?

01:21:56.000 Instead of looking at this one thing of behavior, what is the catalyst?

01:22:01.000 What started this off?

01:22:02.000 Was it childhood molestation?

01:22:03.000 Yeah, let's talk about your dad.

01:22:04.000 Someone leave you somewhere and never come and get you.

01:22:06.000 What can we do right now?

01:22:08.000 You're raised by dogs.

01:22:09.000 Or I'll just like, I'll move the mic and I'll just say like, don't talk to me anymore.

01:22:14.000 Wow.

01:22:15.000 And I just go back.

01:22:15.000 It's like, because I think the way that it is a struggle also for me is I go on stage.

01:22:20.000 I look like very Amish.

01:22:24.000 Like I look not threatening.

01:22:25.000 And I think people react even no matter what age they are.

01:22:28.000 Like I'm a substitute teacher.

01:22:30.000 Like, oh, here we go.

01:22:32.000 Mrs. Crandall's not here.

01:22:34.000 You look like America.

01:22:34.000 I look like an American doll.

01:22:36.000 You look like he'd be selling pie, like apple pie.

01:22:38.000 You'd have like the best tasting apple pie of all time.

01:22:41.000 Yeah, step right up.

01:22:42.000 If I looked at her and I said, that bitch has probably got some awesome apple pie.

01:22:45.000 And then I go up and I'm like, my pussy, this.

01:22:48.000 And they're like, what?

01:22:49.000 But so they think it's like, you know, step teacher, so I have to sort of...

01:22:52.000 I'll assert my authority right away and be like, this is how this house is going to go, you know?

01:22:57.000 Guys must think that's hot, though.

01:22:59.000 I mean, I bet, I think, I would imagine that the guys would be very scared of it.

01:23:04.000 Or, like, totally scared of it.

01:23:06.000 I don't know.

01:23:07.000 Which one is it?

01:23:07.000 I don't get hit on very often.

01:23:10.000 Or, like, if I get hit on, it'll be a guy coming up after the show who will listen to my stuff.

01:23:13.000 And I do a lot of stuff about being, like, easy.

01:23:16.000 So they'll...

01:23:17.000 I've had a guy come up and he...

01:23:19.000 They just, like, assume that they're, like, going home with me.

01:23:23.000 Really?

01:23:23.000 I've had a guy come up and be like, hey, so I'm a Marine and, like, I drove two hours to get here.

01:23:29.000 And they come by themselves?

01:23:31.000 Yeah.

01:23:31.000 And I got duct tape and a knife.

01:23:34.000 I'm like, okay, thank you.

01:23:35.000 I signed the CD. And I'm like, okay, thanks.

01:23:38.000 And he's like, where are we going?

01:23:40.000 And I'm like, oh, no.

01:23:41.000 You're a stranger.

01:23:43.000 Where are we going?

01:23:46.000 Chicks, just as much as guys, are handsy with me and are like, let's go somewhere.

01:23:51.000 Where's the next location from?

01:23:52.000 Really?

01:23:53.000 Jesus Christ.

01:23:54.000 Do they want to party with you or do they want to have sex with you?

01:23:56.000 What's going on with these chicks?

01:23:58.000 I hope both.

01:24:00.000 I can only hope both.

01:24:01.000 That's what I was hoping you would say.

01:24:02.000 The girls want to hang out.

01:24:03.000 But they're all like, and if it's like a couple, they'll be like, don't hug Amy.

01:24:07.000 I want it.

01:24:07.000 You know, and they're like, the girls are handsy.

01:24:10.000 Because, you know, they feel like, I'm sure everybody feels like they're your friend.

01:24:13.000 They know you.

01:24:14.000 They want you to like them.

01:24:16.000 And they want you to know that they get it.

01:24:18.000 Oh, they get it, Brian.

01:24:20.000 They get it.

01:24:21.000 That's so funny.

01:24:22.000 Definitely, I did the show at Foxwoods, and this guy was like, can I take a picture where I'm pretending like I'm going to grab your boobs?

01:24:33.000 And I was like, no, but let's take a normal picture.

01:24:37.000 And he wrote on Facebook, he was like, That cunt.

01:24:41.000 She wouldn't let me.

01:24:43.000 And I wrote back to him and I was like, that's the only time I ever have or ever will write back to anyone who writes something rude to me.

01:24:50.000 I like the block button on Twitter.

01:24:54.000 I'm block happy.

01:24:55.000 But that guy, I was like...

01:24:57.000 Why?

01:24:57.000 Did you feel like that was okay?

01:24:59.000 Like, I said, let's take another picture.

01:25:01.000 And he was like, I just thought you'd be like, Lampanelli would have done it.

01:25:04.000 And I'm just like, Lampanelli would have done it.

01:25:07.000 I'm on the road by myself, usually.

01:25:09.000 Like, I want some inbred fucking weirdo to be like, oops, sorry, I grabbed them by accident.

01:25:16.000 Pretending to grab your tits?

01:25:17.000 How fucking crazy is that?

01:25:18.000 This is weird.

01:25:19.000 I'm just like, no.

01:25:19.000 I don't want that out there either.

01:25:21.000 And you probably would grab them just for a joke.

01:25:22.000 Yeah.

01:25:23.000 I grabbed them.

01:25:24.000 People have just picked me up for a picture.

01:25:27.000 I had a guy ask me if he could pick me up.

01:25:29.000 I want to feel safe.

01:25:30.000 He goes, can I carry you?

01:25:32.000 And I go, what?

01:25:34.000 What did you want to do?

01:25:35.000 He goes, can I carry you in the picture?

01:25:37.000 Get the fuck out of here, man.

01:25:39.000 Like, why?

01:25:39.000 I go, why would you want to carry me?

01:25:41.000 That's so weird.

01:25:42.000 Oh, it was so weird.

01:25:43.000 It was a big guy, too.

01:25:44.000 It was like, hey.

01:25:46.000 You're like, no.

01:25:47.000 You're going to have to fight for that position, son.

01:25:49.000 Let's come up with something else.

01:25:50.000 If you ever get to the point where you're actually carrying me, we're going to have to, we're fighting.

01:25:53.000 You crazy asshole.

01:25:54.000 Fuck.

01:25:55.000 Trying to pick me up.

01:25:55.000 People have no boundaries.

01:25:56.000 Pulled me in the air.

01:25:57.000 And then what?

01:25:58.000 Next thing you know.

01:25:59.000 It's never enough.

01:26:00.000 It's never enough.

01:26:01.000 It's always another...

01:26:02.000 The average person would never ask if they could pick you up and carry you in a photo.

01:26:07.000 Like, I would never ask...

01:26:08.000 Don't you feel like if it's an artist that you, like, love...

01:26:11.000 Just meet someone.

01:26:12.000 First time you've ever met them.

01:26:13.000 Even though you know that they're a person that you've seen on television or on a band or whatever.

01:26:18.000 You have just met them, you crazy asshole.

01:26:20.000 You have had exactly three seconds of FaceTime together.

01:26:23.000 This woman...

01:26:24.000 Can I carry you?

01:26:25.000 In Sacramento, this chick got thrown out of a show because she was talking and drunk and loud.

01:26:30.000 And she got up.

01:26:31.000 The punchline?

01:26:31.000 At the punchline.

01:26:32.000 That place is the shit.

01:26:33.000 And she was like, Amy, are you going to let them do this to me?

01:26:36.000 And I was like, I don't, you're a stranger, bitch.

01:26:39.000 Like, she thought I was going to be like, no, Barbara, or whatever.

01:26:42.000 I was like, yeah, get her out of here.

01:26:44.000 Crazy drunk assholes.

01:26:46.000 Shit, you're going Well, I always wonder, too, when people go off in the audience occasionally, I always wonder, what are they on?

01:26:53.000 You know, in this day and age, I always wonder about, like, what kind of weird prescription shit are they on?

01:26:59.000 Some weird combo.

01:26:59.000 And drinking at the same time.

01:27:01.000 Yeah.

01:27:01.000 Because some people, this is just a complete disconnect from reality.

01:27:04.000 Right.

01:27:05.000 The absolute, utter disconnect from reality.

01:27:07.000 Or it'll be like, they're not trying to be mean, they're trying to, like, they think they're helping you.

01:27:11.000 They think they're helping you.

01:27:12.000 And they'll even tell you afterwards, I helped you, I helped that show.

01:27:14.000 We were great, right?

01:27:15.000 That was good at me.

01:27:16.000 We were playing off each other, right?

01:27:18.000 No.

01:27:19.000 I had a guy at the punchline in Atlanta over New Year's.

01:27:23.000 He was like yelling and he was like, I said something like, I'm not a lesbian.

01:27:27.000 I mean, I've caught a finger, but I'm not.

01:27:30.000 And he's like, Yes, you are.

01:27:33.000 You'll fuck anybody.

01:27:34.000 And I don't think he was trying to lash out.

01:27:37.000 I think he was trying to be like, I know you're whatever.

01:27:40.000 But then everybody's like, ooh.

01:27:42.000 And they put the lights on.

01:27:43.000 And it's like they wanted me to trash this guy.

01:27:46.000 And so I did.

01:27:50.000 They put the lights on him?

01:27:52.000 They put the lights on in the crowd.

01:27:54.000 So that you could see him better?

01:27:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:27:56.000 Oh, wow.

01:27:57.000 Did you ask them to do that?

01:27:58.000 I don't think so.

01:27:59.000 They put the video online.

01:28:00.000 It's not good.

01:28:01.000 He was just really bad.

01:28:02.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

01:28:02.000 Why did they do that?

01:28:03.000 That's their solution?

01:28:04.000 Would you turn the lights on?

01:28:04.000 Like, here, you can see him now.

01:28:06.000 He's the victim.

01:28:07.000 You can go after him.

01:28:09.000 And I don't want to do that.

01:28:09.000 I want to do, like, my jokes that I'm working on, you know?

01:28:12.000 Right.

01:28:13.000 I'd rather not have the interaction at all.

01:28:15.000 Yeah, that is a problem, you know, especially when it becomes really funny, too.

01:28:19.000 Then the crowd thinks it's a really good thing that it happened.

01:28:21.000 And that's their favorite part.

01:28:22.000 Yeah, they enjoy it.

01:28:23.000 I like when you trash that fucking idiot.

01:28:25.000 So I could see how the club would be like, oh, this would be fun.

01:28:28.000 Yeah.

01:28:28.000 But there's other clubs that won't even allow it to get to that part.

01:28:31.000 I love those clubs.

01:28:32.000 Like Gotham.

01:28:33.000 Gotham polices that shit.

01:28:34.000 They don't fuck around.

01:28:36.000 Nope.

01:28:36.000 They're all ex-cops running that place.

01:28:38.000 They're all fucking savages.

01:28:40.000 I've had to tell them to leave guys alone.

01:28:42.000 They're waiting to pounce.

01:28:44.000 Those guys are professional New York police officers.

01:28:49.000 Amy, you let us know.

01:28:50.000 We'll have a signal.

01:28:51.000 They're animals.

01:28:52.000 They don't fuck around.

01:28:53.000 They're waiting to hurt someone.

01:28:55.000 Those guys are beautiful.

01:28:56.000 It's a beautiful club.

01:28:57.000 The fucking place is perfect.

01:28:58.000 It's perfection.

01:28:59.000 Are you about to go there?

01:29:00.000 Why are we like...

01:29:01.000 No, no.

01:29:01.000 I used to go there all the time.

01:29:02.000 No, I love Gotham.

01:29:02.000 I love Gotham.

01:29:03.000 That's where I started.

01:29:04.000 What the hell am I doing in New York?

01:29:07.000 I'm not doing that, Brian.

01:29:08.000 What am I doing?

01:29:09.000 A Manhattan Theater.

01:29:10.000 The Manhattan Theater?

01:29:11.000 Ooh, fancy pants.

01:29:14.000 Very nice.

01:29:15.000 Getting all fancy on a bitch.

01:29:16.000 You know what's up?

01:29:17.000 You know what's up?

01:29:17.000 Oh, shit, boy.

01:29:18.000 Moving on up.

01:29:19.000 Oh, shit.

01:29:20.000 Well, I love doing clubs just as much.

01:29:22.000 Really?

01:29:23.000 Yeah, I think more sometimes even.

01:29:26.000 It's good to do both, right?

01:29:27.000 When you can't do five shows or you can't do a whole weekend, like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

01:29:34.000 When I can't do that, I have to do a theater.

01:29:37.000 I get bummed out if I can only do one show in a town that's only 200 seats or something like that.

01:29:44.000 But those are the best shows, right?

01:29:46.000 Don't you think?

01:29:46.000 For me, because then I might fill it.

01:29:50.000 Listen, I'm telling you, if you had a podcast, you'd be packing clubs everywhere.

01:29:54.000 I've heard you stand-up.

01:29:55.000 You're fucking hilarious.

01:29:56.000 Thank you.

01:29:56.000 You're just as hilarious doing stand-up as you are at roasts.

01:29:58.000 Thank you.

01:29:59.000 You'd be killing them.

01:30:00.000 Oh, my God.

01:30:01.000 A podcast.

01:30:02.000 Yeah, I'm telling you, kid.

01:30:04.000 Stepmom.

01:30:04.000 Hey, guys, this is my podcast.

01:30:06.000 I wouldn't know the first thing to say.

01:30:07.000 Just start talking.

01:30:08.000 Start talking shit.

01:30:09.000 Or come on out.

01:30:10.000 You could be the hole on our show.

01:30:11.000 I'd love to be your hole.

01:30:12.000 We could introduce you.

01:30:14.000 You could totally be my hole.

01:30:15.000 Amy Schumer, a.k.a.

01:30:16.000 the Death Squad hole.

01:30:17.000 Oh.

01:30:19.000 Don't say it if you don't mean it.

01:30:23.000 Is this the Valentine's Day edition?

01:30:25.000 Yes.

01:30:25.000 This is so beautiful.

01:30:27.000 Oh, it's only beautiful because you're here.

01:30:29.000 Thank you.

01:30:29.000 You bounce so well.

01:30:31.000 There's a fake butthole on that table, by the way.

01:30:33.000 Where?

01:30:33.000 Right in front of you, Amy.

01:30:34.000 There's a little brown thing.

01:30:36.000 Oh, that's a cat.

01:30:37.000 A little rubber thing right there.

01:30:39.000 Oh, this isn't it.

01:30:40.000 Thanks for telling me it's a fake asshole.

01:30:42.000 Like, I would be concerned that this was perhaps a real asshole.

01:30:45.000 That just had wandered away from it.

01:30:47.000 So this is an African-American's asshole.

01:30:49.000 Is it just because of February?

01:30:50.000 Or do you switch out the asshole?

01:30:52.000 We do some porn star podcast here, and when girls have a gaping asshole, they use that to plug it during the day so their asshole's just not mouth breathing.

01:31:01.000 Shut the fuck up.

01:31:02.000 No, because sometimes if they get...

01:31:04.000 Come on.

01:31:04.000 It doesn't smell.

01:31:05.000 Brian, you're not tricking me with this.

01:31:07.000 You're just making this up, you crazy asshole.

01:31:09.000 Brian.

01:31:09.000 How dare you?

01:31:10.000 Have you seen this asshole?

01:31:11.000 No, I have not.

01:31:12.000 May I? Please.

01:31:13.000 Thank you.

01:31:13.000 Enjoy.

01:31:16.000 Silly.

01:31:17.000 Please enjoy.

01:31:18.000 Do you know Will Sasso, Joe?

01:31:21.000 It's very strange.

01:31:24.000 It's very strange that someone wanted a mole.

01:31:26.000 It looks nice in your hand.

01:31:27.000 Yeah, I guess when dudes just sit around fingering going, that could be her asshole.

01:31:31.000 This could be somebody's asshole.

01:31:33.000 It's Whitney Houston's.

01:31:35.000 I would just, first of all, I would brush up against her, like, barely, barely.

01:31:39.000 Just let her know I'm here.

01:31:41.000 Just let her know I'm here.

01:31:42.000 Let her know my finger saying what's up.

01:31:44.000 Knock, knock, girl.

01:31:45.000 You want to back up, you can.

01:31:46.000 If you want to back up, you can.

01:31:48.000 Oh, I feel a little pressure on my finger.

01:31:50.000 Is that your booty hole pressure, my finger?

01:31:52.000 Oh, looks like she wants to play.

01:31:54.000 If you had the feeling to just back up and just...

01:31:56.000 Everybody's different.

01:31:57.000 Everybody's different.

01:31:58.000 You put your finger on some girls' assholes and they clap.

01:32:00.000 Clamp down and go, whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:32:02.000 And every guy's asshole.

01:32:03.000 Every guy's.

01:32:04.000 Almost every guy's.

01:32:05.000 Well, wouldn't you rather that than a guy back up?

01:32:07.000 Be like, mm.

01:32:08.000 Grab that second finger.

01:32:09.000 I think so.

01:32:10.000 I think so.

01:32:11.000 Yeah, you don't want a guy who's like super.

01:32:12.000 Today, that's how I feel.

01:32:14.000 Today.

01:32:14.000 When you get older.

01:32:15.000 When I get older, I'm going to be fisting any dude that will let me.

01:32:18.000 A little bit more to stoke the fires.

01:32:20.000 Yep.

01:32:21.000 We'll just be bored.

01:32:22.000 I'll be throwing whatever I can at his ass.

01:32:24.000 This little brown asshole's disturbing.

01:32:25.000 It might not be a total...

01:32:28.000 I mean, it's...

01:32:29.000 What?

01:32:30.000 A total...

01:32:31.000 I don't know.

01:32:32.000 That's a black asshole.

01:32:33.000 It could be just a really tan person, too.

01:32:37.000 Because it's not necessarily black.

01:32:39.000 No one's that tan.

01:32:40.000 Well, the chick that I pulled it out of was a black one.

01:32:43.000 Well, thank you.

01:32:44.000 Brian, you didn't pull this out of some girl.

01:32:45.000 This is not an actual tool.

01:32:47.000 That's a real doll butthole.

01:32:48.000 It's a real doll's butthole.

01:32:50.000 Yeah, a version of a real doll's butthole.

01:32:52.000 But isn't the real doll, you can fuck its butthole.

01:32:54.000 Yeah, you can put different attachments in it.

01:32:57.000 Oh, you can?

01:32:57.000 Yeah.

01:32:58.000 But this skin is what the real doll is made out of?

01:33:00.000 Yeah.

01:33:00.000 That's not as good as Fleshlight.

01:33:02.000 No, it's not.

01:33:03.000 Fleshlight has a patented technology, Joe.

01:33:06.000 Fleshlight feels more real than this?

01:33:08.000 Oh, way better.

01:33:09.000 Yeah, Fleshlight feels way closer to vagina material.

01:33:13.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:33:13.000 Pretty goddamn close.

01:33:14.000 That's why you buy any kind of fake vagina as a guy.

01:33:17.000 It's a joke.

01:33:18.000 It's like fucking a Barbie doll chunk.

01:33:20.000 The piece where they make Barbie dolls out of, they carve it in a certain way.

01:33:23.000 That's what it feels like.

01:33:24.000 Can you make the flashlight tighter if you want?

01:33:29.000 Yeah.

01:33:29.000 Well, it's pretty tight.

01:33:31.000 It just stretches around your dick.

01:33:34.000 It stretches.

01:33:35.000 So, okay.

01:33:35.000 You know what I mean?

01:33:36.000 It's for the most part.

01:33:37.000 For most people, I would imagine.

01:33:40.000 For most people.

01:33:41.000 Oh, thank you.

01:33:42.000 Maybe not everyone.

01:33:45.000 Wow, this is great.

01:33:46.000 Very touchy subject, men and women.

01:33:48.000 Oh yeah, the assholes.

01:33:50.000 Vaginas, something taking over, some artificial shit.

01:33:53.000 For years, dudes had to live with girls riding equipment and sticking sibians inside their bodies.

01:33:59.000 And now it's your turn.

01:34:01.000 Now it's finally the men's sexual revolution.

01:34:04.000 They're turning it around right now.

01:34:05.000 I'm scared of all that shit.

01:34:07.000 I've never dealt with any of that.

01:34:08.000 I mean, I've had a vibrator, but...

01:34:09.000 How do you feel about this crazy Rick Santorum asshole not to like skew your judgment in any way?

01:34:15.000 You thought maybe I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:34:18.000 I love Santorum.

01:34:21.000 Apparently, he's not even into birth control.

01:34:23.000 He thinks that women shouldn't have birth control and that the states should be able to decide.

01:34:28.000 Is that his way of saying he likes pulling out and putting it all over his wife's stomach?

01:34:31.000 Yes.

01:34:32.000 He's a tit guy.

01:34:34.000 I don't believe that he feels like he believes anything that he's saying.

01:34:38.000 You feel like he's just completely playing a game?

01:34:40.000 Yeah.

01:34:41.000 What do you think?

01:34:43.000 He could be gay.

01:34:45.000 You go straight to fag.

01:34:46.000 Yeah, whenever someone's really religious.

01:34:48.000 He likes bears, fag.

01:34:50.000 When someone's super, super religious and they want to either challenge gay marriage or control gay sexuality or whenever they want to get real freaky with controlling sex and morality and issues like that, I almost always go gay with them.

01:35:04.000 Because they almost always are uncovered as being wildly gay.

01:35:08.000 Thank you.

01:35:09.000 Yeah, it sounds like a crazy thing to say.

01:35:11.000 Like, you know, Joe Rogan, you're an asshole for saying that.

01:35:13.000 No, I'm not.

01:35:13.000 You know why?

01:35:14.000 I'll tell you why.

01:35:15.000 Because I'm not saying that you shouldn't be religious.

01:35:18.000 I'm not saying that.

01:35:19.000 I know a lot of people where all that has super benefited them.

01:35:22.000 Especially people that have had substance abuse issues.

01:35:24.000 You cannot say that Christianity or religion or having a good church and a good association, a community association that belongs to that's religious and follows religious tenets that it couldn't help their life.

01:35:33.000 I agree, yeah.

01:35:34.000 But for, you know, for a lot of people, they're just too fucking stupid.

01:35:39.000 Yeah.

01:35:40.000 If it gives somebody hope and it helps them out, I'm like, go do it.

01:35:43.000 But if it's just because you're borderline retarded and somebody told you to believe it and you do, then...

01:35:50.000 I guess I don't really know what I'm saying.

01:35:53.000 What are you saying, Amy?

01:35:54.000 I don't know.

01:35:54.000 I just think I'm...

01:35:55.000 I don't want to blame the pot, but I just don't even really remember what we're talking about.

01:36:01.000 Do you like the breadsticks and salad at Olive Garden?

01:36:04.000 Brian, you had to.

01:36:06.000 Is that what we were talking about?

01:36:07.000 Yes.

01:36:07.000 When you're there, you are family.

01:36:09.000 I think we were talking about black eyes.

01:36:11.000 Oh yeah.

01:36:11.000 You guys, you'll be the first to know if I do it.

01:36:13.000 We hit like a personal three-way mind stump right there.

01:36:18.000 We were all driving along.

01:36:19.000 We all just halted.

01:36:20.000 And we were following you.

01:36:21.000 Me?

01:36:22.000 Yeah, because there was a brief moment where I, you know, as you're having a conversation, it's sort of like you're tossing a ball back and forth to each other.

01:36:28.000 I took the ball.

01:36:29.000 And you had the ball, and I completely forgot what I was saying when I gave you the ball.

01:36:33.000 I threw the ball in the sewer.

01:36:35.000 You sort of threw the ball back to me, and I'm like, I'm not sure you can have it again.

01:36:40.000 And then you said, I don't know what we're talking about.

01:36:42.000 You should have followed that instinct.

01:36:42.000 I was like, damn, both of us.

01:36:44.000 You should have kept that ball.

01:36:45.000 And I wasn't paying attention.

01:36:46.000 Yeah, Brian's watching reruns of Sanford.

01:36:48.000 You don't want to be the Kobe Bryant of podcasts.

01:36:50.000 You want to push the ball off as much as possible.

01:36:53.000 It's very important.

01:36:54.000 Yeah.

01:36:54.000 The beautiful moments come.

01:36:55.000 I feel like I should make a rape joke.

01:36:57.000 I'm going to just opt out.

01:36:59.000 Dude, I love you.

01:37:00.000 I love you.

01:37:01.000 Move here.

01:37:02.000 It seems like the right time.

01:37:03.000 Move here.

01:37:04.000 Come on, we're going to be besties.

01:37:06.000 Ice house.

01:37:07.000 I stopped doing my rape joke.

01:37:08.000 I can't do it anymore.

01:37:09.000 People were getting mad in the audience that had been raped.

01:37:11.000 Yeah, you shouldn't.

01:37:12.000 I had to stop it.

01:37:13.000 That's not a funny thing to talk about.

01:37:14.000 They were asking for it.

01:37:14.000 It's like murdering babies is not fun to talk about either.

01:37:17.000 They don't have to tell you.

01:37:18.000 I beg to differ on both of those subjects.

01:37:22.000 I just, I can't find a way to make cancer funny.

01:37:25.000 But everything else I think is pretty funny.

01:37:26.000 Well, it depends on who's getting raped.

01:37:29.000 When dudes are getting raped, it's hilarious.

01:37:30.000 That's great.

01:37:30.000 Especially assholes.

01:37:32.000 Anal rape.

01:37:34.000 When mean men are getting raped by other meaner men.

01:37:36.000 You are singing my song, sister.

01:37:38.000 Right?

01:37:38.000 I miss Oz for that reason.

01:37:41.000 That was the last good.

01:37:42.000 Seeing out of BC Rape, I was like, yes.

01:37:44.000 Last good rape show on television was Oz.

01:37:46.000 You know what?

01:37:46.000 They don't make them like they used to.

01:37:47.000 That's a different way of owning a guy.

01:37:49.000 Raping him.

01:37:50.000 That's a whole other level.

01:37:52.000 Yeah.

01:37:52.000 Raping someone when you're in a cage together.

01:37:55.000 Yeah.

01:37:55.000 They impose themselves on you so much that they sexually impose themselves on you.

01:38:00.000 They make you suck their dick.

01:38:02.000 God, that is...

01:38:03.000 They nut in your mouth.

01:38:04.000 They didn't even want to.

01:38:05.000 They just wanted to show you that they could do that.

01:38:08.000 Can you imagine how horrific that must be?

01:38:11.000 It's not fun.

01:38:11.000 It's not even fun if it's what you wanted to happen.

01:38:14.000 But what if you have to?

01:38:16.000 A guy beats the fuck out of you.

01:38:18.000 The best way to not get the fuck beat out of you is to suck his dick and let him fucking in.

01:38:22.000 It's not going to take that much time out of your dick.

01:38:23.000 Tibetan rape ceremony.

01:38:25.000 It seems less gay to get fucked.

01:38:26.000 Tibetan rape ceremony.

01:38:28.000 Is that a thing?

01:38:28.000 Yeah, you tie you to a stick and let a bunch of guys rape you.

01:38:31.000 Is that what free Tibet means?

01:38:31.000 He's betting that up.

01:38:33.000 LAUGHTER I'm getting that bumper sticker immediately.

01:38:38.000 Meeting adjourned.

01:38:39.000 He's actually referencing a Tibetan vulture funeral, where they tie your dead body to a stake, and then the vultures come down and eat you.

01:38:48.000 It's fucking wild shit.

01:38:49.000 Who watches?

01:38:50.000 Your family watches?

01:38:52.000 Yeah, family members.

01:38:52.000 And a lot of times, the vultures will leave the head on last, so a lot of the photos, if you see it, it's just like a skeleton, almost exactly from Disneyland, and then a person's real head attached to its stake.

01:39:02.000 Well, not only that, the high-level guys take it to the next level, and they bring hammers, and then they smash up the head, and they smash up the bones, and then they step back again.

01:39:14.000 The vultures come back, and they actually devour the smashed-up bones.

01:39:19.000 That's when you're taking it deep.

01:39:20.000 That's when you're taking it super deep, when you're hitting your friend's head open with a fucking hammer.

01:39:25.000 And they open them up, too, with knives.

01:39:26.000 They open the meat up to get the vultures to start.

01:39:30.000 I was actually talking to this on the phone with my mom and I was telling her about this.

01:39:35.000 Why didn't lie suspicious that you're telling a lie?

01:39:37.000 No, I will call her.

01:39:41.000 I'll call her right now live if you don't believe me.

01:39:43.000 But no, I swear to God, I was driving over telling her about this and then she's like, you know, this is like the most disturbing thing my mom's ever heard in her life because she doesn't have like internet as much as people, you know.

01:39:53.000 So like I'm telling her this and she's like, I have to sit down.

01:39:56.000 Really?

01:39:56.000 So could you just tell her it?

01:39:58.000 Today on the way here.

01:39:59.000 Oh, you should tell her to fucking go to the link.

01:40:02.000 You should make her go to the link.

01:40:02.000 No, no, no.

01:40:03.000 You should just email it to her.

01:40:04.000 Hey, Mom, this is a new place I'm thinking about moving into in Burbank.

01:40:07.000 What do you think?

01:40:08.000 And she'll just look at that link.

01:40:09.000 She sounds like a real bitch.

01:40:13.000 I think she's spotting.

01:40:16.000 Oh, God.

01:40:17.000 Come on.

01:40:18.000 You can't say that while you're wearing your Cougar Hunter shirt.

01:40:20.000 That is not cool.

01:40:22.000 Brian, do you remember the Cougar in Austin, Texas?

01:40:29.000 No.

01:40:29.000 Did you get down?

01:40:30.000 The accidental Cougar?

01:40:31.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:40:32.000 Do you want to tell that story?

01:40:33.000 No.

01:40:34.000 I think we've told it a million times, but pretty much...

01:40:36.000 Are you talking about the strip club?

01:40:38.000 Yeah, the one where you didn't know who you're kissing?

01:40:40.000 So there was this waitress that was really flirty with me at the strip club, and I was blackout drunk.

01:40:46.000 He's saying it like he wants me to get jealous.

01:40:48.000 Well, he is.

01:40:49.000 He does.

01:40:49.000 He's gonna let you know that he's available.

01:40:51.000 She was nothing.

01:40:52.000 Don't worry about it.

01:40:52.000 Oh, thank you.

01:40:55.000 But she was pretty hot.

01:40:56.000 Okay, we're okay.

01:40:57.000 She was pretty hot though and so she was like being really flurry like massaging my back and everything like that and I was just wasted and then she stopped massaging my back and I'm like just fucked up and then suddenly this other waitress comes up to me or a stripper or I don't know who it was or just an older lady.

01:41:13.000 She was a patron.

01:41:13.000 Oh she was a patron that was just like an old lady that hung out at strip clubs you know like creepy older ladies smoke cigarettes and I don't know like face of an ugly angel and uh okay And I thought that was this...

01:41:28.000 The girl tried to, like, kiss me on the cheek or something like that, and I thought it was the hot waitress, and I just went, like, closed my eyes and just started, like, frenching her.

01:41:35.000 And then Joe's recording it on his phone, and then I... No, no, no, no, no.

01:41:40.000 It was just way before you could record things on your phone.

01:41:42.000 No, you did, because I remember you...

01:41:43.000 No, no, I recorded it on a camera.

01:41:46.000 Camera.

01:41:46.000 Yeah, he recorded it on a camera, and then, whatever, I, like, backed out and noticed it wasn't her, and then everyone, like, That was around me.

01:41:55.000 It looked like they saw a ghost.

01:41:56.000 Like, everyone was just, like, white as a ghost.

01:41:58.000 It sounds like you made out of the ghost.

01:41:59.000 This is what it was like.

01:42:00.000 It was awful.

01:42:01.000 And Brian was happy as a pig in shit.

01:42:04.000 He was sitting back with his arms stretched, pie-eyed drunk, stoned as fuck.

01:42:11.000 He just oblivious to the world.

01:42:13.000 And he had this huge smile on his face.

01:42:15.000 And then the waitress comes over, and she was really cute.

01:42:18.000 And Brian said something funny.

01:42:19.000 He laughed, and he...

01:42:20.000 He clapped his hands together and we were all having a good time.

01:42:23.000 I let go of my balloon.

01:42:24.000 And Brian kicks back and he's literally, he's so hammered and like fucking Nickelback is playing really loud.

01:42:31.000 Best moment of his life.

01:42:32.000 And his head is leaning back and the girl comes over and kisses his cheek and she's a fucking old biker lady.

01:42:39.000 Like an old...

01:42:40.000 Gross.

01:42:40.000 She was haggard looking.

01:42:41.000 She had short hair.

01:42:43.000 She had a vest on.

01:42:45.000 She had a vest.

01:42:46.000 The older one that was the cougar.

01:42:48.000 She was wearing a vest.

01:42:50.000 Blanche.

01:42:51.000 Yeah, it was like Blanche.

01:42:52.000 Yeah, Blanche.

01:42:53.000 Blanche was the cutest one.

01:42:55.000 No.

01:42:56.000 Who did you like, Sophia?

01:42:57.000 She was like late 50s.

01:43:00.000 Yeah, I'd say late 50s.

01:43:02.000 Late 50s old biker lady sits down next to Brian, cuddles with him, rubs up against him, he puts his hand on her, she kisses his neck, he turns to her, and it's like watching a deer get hit by a train.

01:43:18.000 And you have it on video.

01:43:20.000 Boom!

01:43:21.000 Oh my god, it was horrendous.

01:43:23.000 When she stuck out her weathered cigarette-grade tongue, it was like a fucking appendage in the movie Predator.

01:43:31.000 It was like something you expect to come out of its mouth.

01:43:33.000 Too long.

01:43:34.000 She was tonguing Brian.

01:43:36.000 Oh, it was so nasty.

01:43:38.000 And whatever tattoos that she had on her had long been blue by the mother time.

01:43:43.000 It's Tasmanian.

01:43:44.000 The devil is shooting basketball or something.

01:43:47.000 Oh, they were making out.

01:43:48.000 They were making out.

01:43:48.000 And I'm filming it.

01:43:49.000 I'm filming it.

01:43:50.000 And I'm going, look, look, what the fuck is Brian doing?

01:43:53.000 So the video is like, look, look, what the fuck is Brian doing?

01:43:56.000 And he can't even hear me.

01:43:58.000 You know, it's like...

01:44:00.000 Yeah, and then the next day, I'm like, dude, did you get that video?

01:44:03.000 He goes, dude, I deleted it for you.

01:44:05.000 You'll thank me.

01:44:06.000 That's really nice.

01:44:08.000 We watched it.

01:44:09.000 Well, I knew that it was too good and it was going to get out.

01:44:12.000 I want that out.

01:44:13.000 That's awesome.

01:44:14.000 It was devastating.

01:44:15.000 It would have been devastating to your confidence.

01:44:16.000 I would love to see it.

01:44:17.000 At the time, though, today, I agree, but eight years ago, whenever the fuck it was, I say you weren't really ready for that yet.

01:44:24.000 I would love to have seen it.

01:44:25.000 It would have been devastating.

01:44:26.000 I would have.

01:44:26.000 I have that on my...

01:44:27.000 Fucking MySpace cage.

01:44:29.000 You'd wake up and shit your pants in cold sweats.

01:44:32.000 You'd just wake up, think about it, and just shit your pants.

01:44:35.000 That woman was horrific, bro.

01:44:36.000 That would be so awesome to have.

01:44:38.000 She was like the scene in The Shining when Jack Nicholson is making out with the woman and all of a sudden it turns into an old lady.

01:44:44.000 That's what it was like.

01:44:46.000 It was horrendous.

01:44:47.000 That's sad that you did leave it.

01:44:48.000 Little buddy, you know I love you.

01:44:50.000 No, I want to see it so bad.

01:44:52.000 I didn't want to see it again.

01:44:53.000 I almost reenacted.

01:44:55.000 You didn't want to live with it.

01:44:56.000 I felt bad.

01:44:57.000 I felt bad.

01:44:58.000 Everybody was going to attack you.

01:45:01.000 I'm on a cougar hunt, Joe.

01:45:02.000 You're just here to protect him.

01:45:04.000 She wasn't a cougar, dude.

01:45:06.000 She was a snuffleupagus.

01:45:07.000 She's a rocker chick, dude.

01:45:09.000 Trying to ruin my game with the cougs.

01:45:12.000 Oh, boy.

01:45:13.000 And there's somewhere out there, there's someone that wants to suck her feet.

01:45:16.000 No.

01:45:17.000 Yeah, there's some dude who wants to suck those dried out, old, fucking, calloused, hardened, cracked feet.

01:45:23.000 He wants to suck on them.

01:45:25.000 There's somebody out there, man.

01:45:26.000 Yeah, man, pretty nice for me.

01:45:28.000 Ew.

01:45:29.000 I don't know.

01:45:30.000 Was that like Hispanic or like an inbred southern?

01:45:34.000 Oh, that was just fat.

01:45:36.000 Fat southern guy.

01:45:37.000 Hey, get it done.

01:45:39.000 Oh, God.

01:45:40.000 So awful.

01:45:41.000 Have you seen the Book of Mormon?

01:45:43.000 Do you go to like plays and stuff like that?

01:45:44.000 Yes.

01:45:45.000 Is it just amazing?

01:45:45.000 It's coming here to Los Angeles finally.

01:45:47.000 For folks who don't know, it's the Matt Stone and Trey Parker musical.

01:45:50.000 It's awesome.

01:45:51.000 It's coming to Los Angeles.

01:45:53.000 I think so.

01:45:54.000 Really?

01:45:54.000 Wow.

01:45:55.000 I don't know how the fuck those guys have time to do that, man.

01:45:57.000 I know.

01:45:58.000 They're ridiculous.

01:45:58.000 It's annoying.

01:45:59.000 There's some people that put out their workload.

01:46:03.000 It's so...

01:46:04.000 You're one of those people.

01:46:05.000 What are you talking about?

01:46:06.000 You have 85. You're like Jamaican.

01:46:08.000 No, these are easy jobs.

01:46:09.000 Everything I have.

01:46:10.000 I figured out a way to just fake it the entire way.

01:46:12.000 The least amount of effort and do 80 things?

01:46:14.000 Yeah, everything I do.

01:46:14.000 You're like Seacrest on drugs.

01:46:17.000 I'm like a manly version of Brian Seacrest.

01:46:19.000 Yeah, I'm sorry.

01:46:20.000 Super manly.

01:46:21.000 You're like the sexy, rugged, just fucking chicks.

01:46:26.000 I like how you do this.

01:46:27.000 Fucking just traps are busting out of your shit.

01:46:31.000 Fucking...

01:46:35.000 Everything I do is super easy.

01:46:37.000 It's all like, it's just skating through.

01:46:39.000 I mean, comedy is the only thing that's difficult because you have to write the material.

01:46:42.000 Right.

01:46:42.000 But then once you got it down, once you have your set down, it's super easy.

01:46:45.000 You know, the really, the only difficult thing about comedy is writing the new stuff.

01:46:49.000 And the travel and the shit.

01:46:51.000 The travel.

01:46:51.000 But that's just, I'm telling you, your travel will be so much different if you had a podcast and you bring your friends on.

01:46:58.000 What's up?

01:46:58.000 Bring it.

01:46:59.000 Yeah, you gotta fight for it.

01:47:00.000 Or just hang out in California, smoke a lot of weed, and just do shows here locally, and do podcasts.

01:47:06.000 Yeah, come on, get in there, girl.

01:47:10.000 This is the scene in the movie where you decide that, fuck New York.

01:47:13.000 New York can suck it.

01:47:14.000 And you throw all your stuff in the bag, and that's what you say right before you leave.

01:47:17.000 New York can suck it.

01:47:18.000 Boom!

01:47:19.000 You kick the door shut.

01:47:20.000 Next thing you're on a plane.

01:47:22.000 Next thing you landed.

01:47:23.000 Like in the movie Snatch.

01:47:24.000 You remember when the dude has to fly back and forth from London to New York and he's all mad?

01:47:28.000 Yeah.

01:47:29.000 They got some fucking diamond deal that's going on.

01:47:30.000 He pops the ambulance.

01:47:32.000 I think it'll be like Pretty Women, but like in reverse.

01:47:35.000 So like a month from now, I'll just be like pantsless on the street.

01:47:40.000 No, I don't need money.

01:47:41.000 I don't need money.

01:47:42.000 Just so I don't know where the Greyhound station is.

01:47:44.000 But really, I'm like, okay, can I have some money?

01:47:46.000 Pantsless on the street.

01:47:47.000 In my underpants, just...

01:47:49.000 Your brown stained underpants.

01:47:51.000 I remember when I first drove to New York.

01:47:52.000 I'm not gonna start shitting myself, Brian.

01:47:54.000 Jesus Christ!

01:47:55.000 I'm just not, I don't have a job.

01:47:56.000 I remember when I first drove to New York, there was an area of New York, Jimmy Norton would know where it is.

01:48:02.000 I'm sure he would.

01:48:03.000 I'm sure he knows where it moved to.

01:48:05.000 He probably does.

01:48:06.000 There's an area that was like, near like shipyards and shit.

01:48:09.000 It was like a real creepy area.

01:48:10.000 And you drive through and there was hundreds Hookers everywhere.

01:48:14.000 It was like Night of the Thousand Hookers.

01:48:16.000 It was 42nd all the way over by the...

01:48:18.000 Is that what it was?

01:48:18.000 Yeah.

01:48:18.000 Times Square used to be like...

01:48:20.000 Sounds like Seattle.

01:48:21.000 Dude.

01:48:21.000 What?

01:48:22.000 Seattle again?

01:48:23.000 No, you don't.

01:48:24.000 Why?

01:48:24.000 It's inside jokes, this motherfucker with the inside jokes.

01:48:28.000 Night of the Thousand Hookers.

01:48:29.000 It was so bizarre because it was like shipyards and hookers everywhere.

01:48:35.000 Norton's dreams.

01:48:36.000 Really wild.

01:48:37.000 Weird, man.

01:48:37.000 The village people are actually there.

01:48:39.000 That's a real place.

01:48:41.000 There's a lot of people that have never experienced that.

01:48:43.000 They don't know if there's spots where there's all these...

01:48:46.000 They've decided hookers are just going to accumulate.

01:48:48.000 Like, that's it.

01:48:49.000 That's their Amsterdam, like, on the wire.

01:48:50.000 Walk the streets.

01:48:52.000 Yeah.

01:48:53.000 New Orleans is the scariest place like that that I've seen.

01:48:56.000 For hookers?

01:48:57.000 Yeah.

01:48:58.000 Really?

01:48:58.000 Yeah.

01:48:59.000 New Orleans?

01:48:59.000 What I've seen.

01:49:00.000 And I went to college in Baltimore.

01:49:01.000 Like, I saw some shit, for sure.

01:49:03.000 But New Orleans, I saw the scariest shit I've ever seen with hookers and stuff.

01:49:06.000 I would have never thought that Baltimore was like a hardcore sort of a place.

01:49:10.000 It is.

01:49:11.000 Until like The Wire.

01:49:12.000 The Wire is real.

01:49:13.000 Yeah.

01:49:13.000 And The Wire, you're like, whoa.

01:49:14.000 I grew up in New York.

01:49:15.000 Really?

01:49:15.000 I grew up in New York and I was in the city constantly.

01:49:18.000 Nothing ever happened in Baltimore.

01:49:19.000 I got robbed every way imaginable.

01:49:22.000 My car held up at gunpoint.

01:49:24.000 Our apartment.

01:49:24.000 Jesus Christ.

01:49:25.000 It was like, yeah.

01:49:27.000 Really?

01:49:27.000 It's fucking, it was nuts there.

01:49:29.000 I don't know if it's better now.

01:49:31.000 And I love Baltimore, but it's, you don't want to go to Central Booking.

01:49:35.000 Yeah.

01:49:36.000 Yeah, Baltimore.

01:49:37.000 They used to have a comedy club there.

01:49:38.000 They used to have an improv.

01:49:39.000 Do you remember going there, bro?

01:49:40.000 Oh, speaking of that.

01:49:42.000 Oh, shit.

01:49:43.000 I'll be in Baltimore this Sunday.

01:49:46.000 Oh, you will?

01:49:46.000 I think it's called the Comedy Factory.

01:49:47.000 Yeah, but I remember that improv.

01:49:49.000 Oh, you just remembered that.

01:49:50.000 Yeah.

01:49:51.000 You know what's the nicest time of year?

01:49:52.000 Washington, D.C. Baltimore's ass.

01:49:55.000 I was just saying, like, don't go to Baltimore.

01:49:56.000 And I was like, oh, fuck, I'm going there this Sunday.

01:49:58.000 I've been robbed.

01:49:59.000 I've been shot at.

01:50:00.000 And don't forget the South Beach comedy club.

01:50:01.000 And if you want to see my comedic stylings.

01:50:03.000 Oh, yeah.

01:50:03.000 So you're going to be wearing Baltimore this Sunday?

01:50:06.000 I think it's called the Comedy Factory.

01:50:08.000 I'm really good at stuff.

01:50:09.000 Is that the old improv?

01:50:11.000 I think so.

01:50:13.000 If it's not in the actual space, it's right next to it.

01:50:15.000 It's where the improv used to be.

01:50:17.000 Power plant.

01:50:18.000 That was a fun little spot.

01:50:20.000 That was fun.

01:50:21.000 That was coming up when I was in school and we were just little whores running around there.

01:50:25.000 Yeah, that's what it seems like.

01:50:26.000 It's a block away from Gay Street, which is like the strip club porn town.

01:50:30.000 Oh, God.

01:50:31.000 That was fun.

01:50:32.000 Fun place to go to college, for sure.

01:50:34.000 Fuck yeah.

01:50:34.000 That's where our boy John Rollo is.

01:50:35.000 Shout out to John Rollo who listens to the podcast.

01:50:37.000 He's from Baltimore.

01:50:38.000 Big up, John Rollo.

01:50:39.000 It's a weird accent, that Baltimore accent.

01:50:41.000 It's a fucking...

01:50:42.000 It's sort of city, but it's sort of country.

01:50:44.000 It's not cute.

01:50:46.000 It ain't cute.

01:50:48.000 You think it's bad coming out of the girls' mouths?

01:50:48.000 Just kidding.

01:50:49.000 Please come out Sunday.

01:50:51.000 I support everything you do as art.

01:50:54.000 Everything you do as art.

01:50:55.000 You're a miracle.

01:50:56.000 Come out Sunday.

01:50:57.000 You're a miracle.

01:50:58.000 Buy my album.

01:50:59.000 Support me.

01:51:00.000 Do you have an album out?

01:51:01.000 Yeah.

01:51:02.000 How can people get it?

01:51:03.000 iTunes?

01:51:03.000 iTunes.

01:51:04.000 It's called Cutting.

01:51:05.000 Cutting?

01:51:06.000 Oh, nice.

01:51:07.000 I love the album cover.

01:51:09.000 You're not buying my album, you liar.

01:51:10.000 I might buy it right now.

01:51:11.000 How about that?

01:51:11.000 How about what's up?

01:51:14.000 The album cover is awesome too.

01:51:15.000 What is it?

01:51:15.000 It's her baking cupcakes and she has a black eye and she's dressed up like...

01:51:20.000 Oh, and this is the one where the lady didn't want to do the makeup, huh?

01:51:24.000 Yeah, she didn't want to do that.

01:51:26.000 Wow.

01:51:27.000 Because she thought that you're making fun of violence?

01:51:30.000 I think so, but that's my favorite thing to do.

01:51:32.000 My sister and I used to go to Rangers games, and I would wear a neck brace, and I'd put two black eyes on her, and people would be like, what happened?

01:51:39.000 I'd be like, oh, we got into swimming with each other.

01:51:41.000 That's awesome.

01:51:42.000 One time we saw Jon Hamm, and we forgot that we had fucked ourselves up.

01:51:48.000 And he, like, was staring at us.

01:51:49.000 We were like, Jon Hamm was into our shit.

01:51:51.000 And then we're like, all right, we're all banged up.

01:51:53.000 Like, you're beat the fuck up.

01:51:54.000 Yeah, we get worse and worse every game.

01:51:57.000 Like, we would try, if we got our hands in crutches, we would do anything.

01:52:00.000 What?

01:52:01.000 We just thought it was so fucking funny.

01:52:04.000 People were horrified by us.

01:52:06.000 Is that what got you into stand-up comedy, like just being a joker like that?

01:52:09.000 I think so.

01:52:10.000 I've been a dickhead my whole life.

01:52:12.000 I've been a worthless dick my whole life.

01:52:15.000 That's hilarious.

01:52:15.000 I always had Saturday detention.

01:52:17.000 Did you have that, you know, like the breakfast club shit?

01:52:20.000 Yeah, it was me and all the kids that didn't speak English.

01:52:23.000 We didn't have Saturday detention, but I was in regular detention all the time.

01:52:27.000 Did you make it snow from your dandruff onto a pitcher?

01:52:33.000 Snow from your dandruff onto a picture, you dirty bitch.

01:52:35.000 Tell me you take a shower every now and again.

01:52:37.000 I'm not going to move here anymore.

01:52:39.000 I was talking about the breakfast club where they're all in Saturday school.

01:52:45.000 Oh, that moment that was important to you and nobody else?

01:52:48.000 Yeah.

01:52:49.000 I have no idea.

01:52:50.000 What a fuck.

01:52:52.000 Ally Sheedy?

01:52:53.000 Ally Sheedy was hot.

01:52:54.000 Is she a dandruff in that?

01:52:55.000 Yeah, remember she used to shake her hair and make it snow because of all her dandruff?

01:53:00.000 It was like the most disturbing thing from that movie.

01:53:03.000 That was the most disturbing thing?

01:53:04.000 Did you see dandruff?

01:53:05.000 Yeah, and it was a joke that it was snowing on a house that she drew or something.

01:53:11.000 I'll show you.

01:53:11.000 I must have missed that part.

01:53:13.000 I don't remember that.

01:53:14.000 I don't think that was an important point.

01:53:16.000 I don't know if I actually watched that whole movie all the way through.

01:53:20.000 Really?

01:53:20.000 Yeah, that's one of those movies I probably watched like 20 minutes and then shut it off and then went back and watched the other 20 minutes another time.

01:53:26.000 I probably never finished it.

01:53:28.000 You don't like those movies?

01:53:29.000 I don't know.

01:53:29.000 I was never into them.

01:53:30.000 They used to frustrate me when I was a kid.

01:53:32.000 When I was a kid, when those movies were coming out, all those 16 Candles, it's a very weird time in my life.

01:53:38.000 Because I would get annoyed at any feel-good, if I saw where it was going, I couldn't enjoy it.

01:53:50.000 I couldn't enjoy any sort of horse shit.

01:53:54.000 Happy ending?

01:53:56.000 Any kind of movie where I felt like it was concocted.

01:53:59.000 Those movies had some really dark shit, though.

01:54:01.000 I'm sure.

01:54:01.000 Really?

01:54:02.000 Yeah.

01:54:03.000 Yeah.

01:54:04.000 I'm trying to describe what I mean.

01:54:06.000 If you saw the happy ending coming at you?

01:54:08.000 Yeah, if I just felt like it was written.

01:54:11.000 I was just really super, super critical.

01:54:13.000 If you could see the writing.

01:54:14.000 I wouldn't have even enjoyed comic book movies back then.

01:54:18.000 Yeah, but that movie is like a, and you're the nerd, and you're the, you know, it was very clear.

01:54:23.000 Yeah, it was really like, yeah, this is the bad boy.

01:54:26.000 But the bad boy, like, in that movie, his dad was, like, putting, like, cigarettes out on him, and it was...

01:54:31.000 Right.

01:54:32.000 Well, that's, yeah, that is reality.

01:54:33.000 And the girl, Molly Ringwald, was like...

01:54:35.000 Yeah, I remember thinking it was really dark how she was kind of vilified just for having tits.

01:54:41.000 Like she was doing something to everybody just by having boobs.

01:54:45.000 Maybe if I saw it again.

01:54:47.000 I just remember I had really super critical taste back then.

01:54:53.000 Yeah, what did you like?

01:54:54.000 I was very critical about myself at this point in my life, and so I was really critical about everything I saw on TV and the movies.

01:55:02.000 It was just a weird time for me.

01:55:04.000 I was like, oh, the movie fucking sucks.

01:55:06.000 Were you like a comedy nerd?

01:55:07.000 No.

01:55:08.000 No, until I became a comedian.

01:55:10.000 Oh, really?

01:55:11.000 Yeah.

01:55:11.000 Before that, I was a Richard Pryor nerd.

01:55:15.000 I would listen to Richard Pryor tapes with my girlfriend.

01:55:18.000 But then I really started doing it because...

01:55:22.000 Friends talked me into it, and because somebody described to me Sam Kinison.

01:55:26.000 The first Sam Kinison bid that I ever heard was done for me by a girl, a 19-year-old girl that I worked with.

01:55:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:55:32.000 You know?

01:55:32.000 I don't know why I know this story, but I do know this story.

01:55:35.000 Oh, you do?

01:55:36.000 I should have just pretended like I didn't know.

01:55:38.000 I probably told it on the podcast.

01:55:40.000 Yeah, you must have told it on the podcast.

01:55:41.000 Have I told that story, Brian?

01:55:42.000 I don't know.

01:55:42.000 I think you did, yeah.

01:55:43.000 The girl did the bit in the parking lot.

01:55:47.000 It was such a funny bit that this girl, who wasn't even a comedian, did the bit in the parking lot.

01:55:52.000 I was like, wow, I wish I could come up with something that funny.

01:55:56.000 She did it enough justice that you fell in love with him just through her quoting it.

01:56:00.000 Yeah, she acted it out.

01:56:01.000 And she was hot.

01:56:02.000 It was really ridiculous.

01:56:03.000 Yeah.

01:56:04.000 Because she's lying on her stomach in the parking lot.

01:56:06.000 And she's like, oh, you mean life keeps fucking the ass here after you're dead?

01:56:09.000 Oh, oh, it never ends!

01:56:11.000 And I was like, wow.

01:56:13.000 And he's like a short, fat guy that's doing this?

01:56:14.000 She's like, he's wearing an overcoat?

01:56:16.000 It's hilarious!

01:56:17.000 Shit.

01:56:17.000 And I was like, wow, I gotta check that guy out.

01:56:20.000 Damn.

01:56:21.000 She was making me laugh by doing an impression of the guy.

01:56:25.000 You know, that's when you know your shit's good.

01:56:27.000 Yeah.

01:56:28.000 Or that that girl was pretty good.

01:56:30.000 Yeah, she was just super cool.

01:56:31.000 I think I probably couldn't do a Kenison in any dresses.

01:56:34.000 Especially that one.

01:56:35.000 Lying on your stomach.

01:56:36.000 In a parking lot.

01:56:36.000 Somebody would come try and help me out.

01:56:37.000 In a parking lot.

01:56:38.000 She was just such a preposterous scene.

01:56:41.000 She's talking about getting fucked in the ass, being a corpse.

01:56:44.000 Yeah.

01:56:44.000 For folks who don't know what the bit is, Kenison had a joke about homosexual necrophiliacs that were paying for a couple hours undisturbed with the freshest male corpses.

01:56:54.000 Oh, God.

01:56:54.000 They had been arrested for it.

01:56:55.000 So he did this whole bit about the guy being on a slab.

01:56:58.000 Like going, well, I guess that's it.

01:57:00.000 Now I'm dead.

01:57:01.000 I'm going to go be with Jesus.

01:57:02.000 And then he starts rocking back and forth.

01:57:04.000 He's like, hey, it feels like there's a dick in my ass!

01:57:08.000 You mean life keeps fucking the ass even after you're dead?

01:57:10.000 It never ends!

01:57:11.000 It never ends!

01:57:13.000 It's a fucking great bit.

01:57:14.000 So this girl's doing this on her stomach in the parking lot.

01:57:17.000 And I'm like, oh my god, this is hilarious.

01:57:21.000 She nailed it.

01:57:22.000 I wonder where she is now.

01:57:24.000 Who knows?

01:57:25.000 Probably married.

01:57:25.000 A bunch of kids.

01:57:26.000 Surprise!

01:57:26.000 She's here!

01:57:28.000 We have her here!

01:57:30.000 Her pussy's dragging on the floor.

01:57:33.000 She's like, I can still do the bit!

01:57:35.000 I like the elephant man.

01:57:36.000 I can still do the bit!

01:57:37.000 Wanna see me do the bit?

01:57:40.000 Oh, God.

01:57:41.000 When I worked at that health club, it was a really important moment for me.

01:57:45.000 When I was 18, 19 years old, I worked at the Boston Athletic Club.

01:57:50.000 I got to see Bobby Orr.

01:57:52.000 Do you know who he is?

01:57:52.000 Famous hockey player.

01:57:54.000 I'd never seen anybody that had had more than 10 knee surgeries.

01:57:59.000 I'd never seen a professional athlete whose knees had been destroyed.

01:58:02.000 Yeah.

01:58:03.000 I got to watch this guy walk around.

01:58:06.000 He's a legend in Boston.

01:58:08.000 Legendary hockey player.

01:58:10.000 One of the greatest hockey players of all time.

01:58:11.000 And the poor guy could barely walk.

01:58:13.000 And I remember thinking, fuck, man.

01:58:15.000 You have to think about that when you're 18 years old and you're spry and you're all fucking bouncing around like a little rabbit.

01:58:21.000 You don't think that your legs can get so fucked up that you could be one of the greatest hockey players of all time and still you've taken so much damage and so many surgeries that you're hobbling along in agony everywhere you go.

01:58:32.000 Wow.

01:58:33.000 It's dark shit.

01:58:35.000 It's weird.

01:58:35.000 I just, I was talking to this guy who plays football and I was like, you'll probably like, don't you, I asked, I was like, don't you guys die young?

01:58:42.000 And he was like, yeah, yeah.

01:58:44.000 And I was like, I regretted it after I said it, but I just, it was a really legit question.

01:58:49.000 Like, like you just, you have a choice.

01:58:52.000 Like there's enough research and with the internet and stuff, you know now, like you are, you are really fucking yourself up.

01:58:58.000 That's so weird.

01:59:00.000 Yeah.

01:59:00.000 It's a tough gig.

01:59:01.000 You know, any guy that chooses to use his body for any sport, you know, anything where you're trying to make a living just off your body in a competitive athletic environment.

01:59:11.000 Or like a ballerina.

01:59:12.000 You fuck yourself up.

01:59:13.000 How many guys get to be Baryshnikov?

01:59:15.000 How many dudes are like, I am going to be the next Baryshnikov?

01:59:18.000 I know.

01:59:18.000 Meanwhile, there's been thousands of them and no one gives a fuck.

01:59:21.000 It's like, who's going to be the next Lance Armstrong?

01:59:23.000 Guess what?

01:59:24.000 Baryshnikov.

01:59:24.000 Nobody.

01:59:25.000 No one.

01:59:25.000 How about that?

01:59:26.000 Go into that fucking bike racing, try to get famous.

01:59:29.000 We're like, hey, asshole, we don't need to ride bikes, okay?

01:59:31.000 I just got a cortisone shot in my hip.

01:59:33.000 I like running, like I run, run, run, and I just, all of a sudden, my body was like, no, stop, stop.

01:59:39.000 Hold on a second.

01:59:40.000 You know, that's just a pain thing.

01:59:42.000 You're still injured.

01:59:43.000 Yeah, I know.

01:59:44.000 I know.

01:59:44.000 Because I started running again for like three days.

01:59:47.000 I ran like I used to.

01:59:49.000 Right.

01:59:50.000 And it came, the pain came back.

01:59:52.000 Like I hadn't even gotten the shot.

01:59:53.000 And then I haven't run since then.

01:59:55.000 So it's been, it hasn't hurt me.

01:59:56.000 Where are you having the pain?

01:59:57.000 It's in your hip?

01:59:58.000 Yeah, ran under the, like it's a muscle in my hip.

02:00:00.000 Oh, it's a muscle in your hip, for sure?

02:00:02.000 Yeah, it's a muscle.

02:00:02.000 I went and got x-rays.

02:00:04.000 That's scary shit.

02:00:05.000 I know people have had hip replacements.

02:00:07.000 That's fucking dark.

02:00:08.000 No, the x-rays look totally fine, but he was like, do you want a shot of cortisone?

02:00:13.000 And I was like, okay.

02:00:14.000 And I was so excited that my hip didn't hurt.

02:00:17.000 Oh, so you worked it out again?

02:00:19.000 It still doesn't hurt now, but when I was running again, it did.

02:00:22.000 What if you have to get an iron hip?

02:00:24.000 That'd be crazy.

02:00:25.000 Guys, I'm not getting a hip replacement.

02:00:26.000 It's not just an iron hip.

02:00:28.000 You know what they do?

02:00:29.000 They saw off the end of your bone where your socket is.

02:00:33.000 They literally saw it off and then they screw this fucking spike that goes deep, deep, deep like a foot into the bone with an artificial...

02:00:43.000 I don't know if it's a foot.

02:00:44.000 I didn't measure it.

02:00:46.000 Don't get crazy on me, internet.

02:00:48.000 But they screw this fucking long pipe into the bone and then it's this artificial hip socket that's on the top.

02:00:54.000 And sometimes it doesn't line up so good.

02:00:56.000 Like one leg might be just slightly bigger than the other leg because of it.

02:01:00.000 And when you're walking, you have this little fucking hitch to your stroke that you'll never get away with.

02:01:03.000 Like you'll never like walk normal for the rest of your life unless you want them to open you up and resize it again.

02:01:09.000 Alright, I'm gonna get out of here.

02:01:11.000 It's an artificial hip.

02:01:12.000 That's crazy.

02:01:13.000 That is a bummer.

02:01:14.000 Yeah, and that's just the, you know, they're gonna be able to develop artificial everything in the future.

02:01:19.000 They made a titanium bone for a woman who had some sort of bone cancer and she lost her jaw and they created her a titanium jaw and apparently it functions just like the regular jaw.

02:01:29.000 It's better than her old jaw.

02:01:30.000 They insert it in place.

02:01:31.000 It's slightly heavier than the old jaw.

02:01:34.000 What the fuck is going on?

02:01:35.000 Why?

02:01:35.000 That's actually a person's jaw that they've Alright, you know what?

02:01:40.000 This is not a safe environment.

02:01:43.000 This is not a safe place.

02:01:45.000 You have somewhere you have to go, don't you?

02:01:46.000 I do.

02:01:48.000 Thank you very much for coming on.

02:01:49.000 This has been awesome.

02:01:50.000 Thank you so much.

02:01:52.000 You made me laugh so hard.

02:01:53.000 Thank you.

02:01:53.000 This was super cool and I want you to do it as many times as you can whenever you're in town.

02:01:57.000 Please call me and let's fucking do this all the time.

02:02:00.000 I will.

02:02:00.000 Thank you.

02:02:00.000 And if you ever move to LA, for real, Brian has a whole network of these podcasts.

02:02:04.000 It's called the Death Squad Network.

02:02:04.000 You have a podcast whenever you want one.

02:02:06.000 We'll put you on immediately.

02:02:07.000 And when we put you on immediately, I'm telling you, everything will change.

02:02:11.000 Really?

02:02:11.000 Oh, fuck yeah.

02:02:12.000 All your clubs, club dates will change significantly.

02:02:14.000 Medical marijuana license.

02:02:15.000 We'll get you a card.

02:02:17.000 And I'm on board.

02:02:18.000 Thank you.

02:02:18.000 Dude, you're hilarious.

02:02:19.000 Thank you very much.

02:02:20.000 Thanks, guys.

02:02:20.000 Really, really cool having you on.

02:02:21.000 You're awesome.

02:02:22.000 See, it panned out, ladies and gentlemen, like I knew it would.

02:02:26.000 This podcast was brought to you by...

02:02:28.000 Fleshlights.

02:02:29.000 The Fleshlight.

02:02:30.000 It is.

02:02:30.000 I know.

02:02:31.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogue.

02:02:36.000 You know the fucking drill.

02:02:37.000 Why do I have to say it at the beginning and the end?

02:02:39.000 Maybe you tuned in halfway and you didn't hear the first one.

02:02:42.000 You heard it.

02:02:43.000 I'm being rude.

02:02:44.000 I'm being rude.

02:02:45.000 And we're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

02:02:47.000 O-N-N-I-T.com.

02:02:48.000 Makers of Alpha Brain.

02:02:50.000 Enter in the codename Rogan.

02:02:51.000 Get yourself 10% off.

02:02:53.000 Try the Shroom Tech Sport if you're an athlete.

02:02:55.000 Shroom Tech Immune and New Mood, a 5-HTP enhancement supplement that you shouldn't take if you're on antidepressants.

02:03:00.000 Alright!

02:03:01.000 We love you, dirty bitches!

02:03:03.000 We'll see you soon.

02:03:04.000 We've got a lot of people coming up in the show.

02:03:06.000 Sam Harris is coming up.

02:03:07.000 Be Real from Cypress Hills coming up.

02:03:10.000 Greg Fitzsimmons is coming up.

02:03:13.000 My pal from Boston.

02:03:14.000 We started out together back in the day.

02:03:17.000 Alright, that's it.

02:03:18.000 Bye everybody.

02:03:19.000 We love you.

02:03:19.000 Bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 21, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #188 - Amy Schumer

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