The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #19

00:00:00.000 Bam!

00:00:01.000 Bam!

00:00:02.000 Alright, we're live, ladies and gentlemen, with a whole new setup.

00:00:06.000 Uh, yeah, yeah, we're late.

00:00:07.000 Listen, man, I'm very irresponsible.

00:00:10.000 You know what's going to be really cool is when we get something right back here.

00:00:14.000 That's the next step.

00:00:16.000 We're trying to figure out what to put right back there.

00:00:18.000 Most likely it's going to be a green screen because I'm looking at this right now and I'm like, how dope would it be if we were in fucking space right now?

00:00:23.000 Yeah.

00:00:24.000 We could have like Captain Curt-like shit behind us, like also.

00:00:28.000 But we have a real desk.

00:00:30.000 We have real microphones now.

00:00:33.000 So the iPhone version and iPad and whatever the fuck you use, MP3, is going to be much better, much clearer.

00:00:41.000 And we're fucking fired up.

00:00:42.000 We are not sponsored by Starbucks.

00:00:44.000 This is just coincidence that we happen to have that.

00:00:47.000 But we have had an offer for our very first sponsor, and it is the Fleshlight.

00:00:53.000 Awesome.

00:00:54.000 I got something funny to tell you, Joe, by the way.

00:00:56.000 Hold on a second.

00:00:57.000 We got to tell people.

00:00:58.000 All right.

00:00:58.000 So the Fleshlight is, if you don't know what it is, if you're not an online type person, It's a very famous device that you can fuck.

00:01:11.000 And one of the reasons why it's famous is because it's supposed to feel really good.

00:01:14.000 It's supposed to feel like way better than your hand.

00:01:16.000 Yeah.

00:01:16.000 And the other reason is that there was that thing that was online, like I accidentally the whole fleshlight.

00:01:22.000 What was that?

00:01:23.000 It's a guy pranking, I think it was a customer service rep that saying only something like he has a fleshlight or something.

00:01:31.000 Like it was really bad cash technology.

00:01:34.000 Yeah, I accidentally the whole fleshlight.

00:01:34.000 Yeah.

00:01:34.000 Yeah, I was like, L-O-L cat.

00:01:36.000 L-O-L cat, yeah.

00:01:37.000 Well, this guy, I never watched that or heard that thing or remember it, but I do remember that that fleshlight thing got stuck in my head because of that.

00:01:46.000 Yeah.

00:01:46.000 Because everybody kept saying it.

00:01:48.000 And it just, it's like one of those things where, like, you know, you hear about it so often on the internet just because of that.

00:01:56.000 So when they contacted me, I was like, wow, that's kind of cool.

00:01:58.000 And then when he told me that he sponsored Kevin Smith's podcast, I'm like, wow, that's super cool.

00:02:04.000 He's going to do our podcast and Kevin Smith's podcast?

00:02:06.000 That sounds fucking badass.

00:02:07.000 And then we met the dude and Chris was a super cool guy and just a real chill dude that you could hang with, like a normal guy.

00:02:16.000 And he was really kind of a spiritual guy too, which is kind of interesting because we were talking about the porn side and how...

00:02:22.000 Porn is kind of gross.

00:02:23.000 There's a lot of porn now that you don't necessarily want to be associated with.

00:02:26.000 He was either really good at his job researching you because he seemed like your long-lost brother.

00:02:32.000 He was pulling out documentaries you didn't even know about.

00:02:35.000 Books that I didn't know about well.

00:02:38.000 If you guys were gay, you'd be perfect lovers.

00:02:43.000 Yeah, he was a real bright guy, man.

00:02:46.000 We talked about Miyamoto Musashi, we talked about different schools of philosophy, different books that he's read, different volcanoes.

00:02:54.000 He knew about some super volcanoes exploding in the past that I didn't even know about.

00:02:58.000 We gotta get him on the show, for sure.

00:02:59.000 Yes, definitely.

00:03:00.000 Unfortunately, he lives in Austin, but the next time we're in Austin, what we'll do is we'll bring our equipment and everything that's set up in Austin.

00:03:06.000 Or we can move there.

00:03:09.000 I fucked up.

00:03:10.000 I fucked up moving to Colorado.

00:03:12.000 For a bunch of reasons.

00:03:13.000 One, because Mrs. Rogan can't fucking drive in the snow, which is just not good.

00:03:18.000 And if you know Mrs. Rogan, that's not something that I'm going to be comfortable with her learning really quickly.

00:03:24.000 That doesn't seem like a good move.

00:03:26.000 Just fucking moving where it freezes and shit gets dangerous and sliding in the trees and shit.

00:03:32.000 And then when the dog got eaten by the mountain lion, that killed it.

00:03:36.000 Yeah.

00:03:37.000 Otherwise, Austin would have been great.

00:03:38.000 Anyway, the point is, if Austin was great, we would definitely hang around with Chris.

00:03:42.000 Totally.

00:03:43.000 What's funny is, he gave us a sample, so we can feel and touch it, of the Fleshlight.

00:03:48.000 And the Fleshlight uses patent and rubber technology.

00:03:51.000 They have a patent on this shit.

00:03:52.000 Yeah, it's a very specific type of insert.

00:03:55.000 The mushy, squishy stuff is their own proprietary blend.

00:03:59.000 Yeah, and it's like, you think in your head, like, oh, I'm sure it feels like rubber and oil.

00:04:04.000 It's just going to feel like really soft rubber.

00:04:06.000 This actually is kind of creepy to feel.

00:04:09.000 He gave us a sample.

00:04:10.000 What he did is he took a couple of fleshlights and he cut it in half just so we can feel the actual rubber part.

00:04:15.000 And then at the end of our dinner...

00:04:17.000 It doesn't really feel like pussy, though.

00:04:18.000 It feels soft.

00:04:20.000 Yeah.

00:04:20.000 It feels really good.

00:04:21.000 Well, that's not even lubed up, though.

00:04:23.000 No, it's not even lubed up.

00:04:24.000 So, he gave us these samples...

00:04:26.000 But it's too mushy.

00:04:26.000 It's like a pussy that's sick.

00:04:27.000 Well, because it's usually in a can.

00:04:29.000 Right.

00:04:29.000 It's usually...

00:04:30.000 It's got some bone behind it.

00:04:31.000 You want, like...

00:04:32.000 But wouldn't...

00:04:33.000 Would that make it more compact?

00:04:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:04:35.000 Because you have, like, a wall.

00:04:37.000 Right now, it's not a wall.

00:04:37.000 We actually have a box of them.

00:04:39.000 Yeah.

00:04:39.000 So anyways, he gave us these samples just to feel them, and we left them on the table, and I'm like, you're not going to take that?

00:04:45.000 And he's like, oh, you know, it's just trash, just so you can feel it.

00:04:47.000 I'm like, you know what, I'm going to take it.

00:04:48.000 So I took the samples, and I had it there in a bag, and the other day, I decided when no one was around that I would try to fuck one of the samples.

00:04:56.000 But it was only half of it.

00:04:58.000 So I had to use both of them.

00:04:59.000 One for the bottom and one for the top.

00:05:02.000 And so I was doing the left hand and the right hand.

00:05:04.000 Like, left hand was the left sample, the right was the right sample.

00:05:06.000 I'm like, wait a second.

00:05:08.000 Fleshlight Company, you need something like that.

00:05:10.000 Because I had like two different hand jobs going on.

00:05:12.000 I had one with a different texture on the top.

00:05:14.000 You're going to be jerking yourself off with two hands?

00:05:16.000 Yeah, like you're milking a cow.

00:05:19.000 Well, how are you working the balls?

00:05:21.000 I put the balls in the bottom one and I wrapped it around the bottom one.

00:05:25.000 You wrapped your balls around the bottom one?

00:05:27.000 How fucking small are your balls?

00:05:28.000 Oh, they're very, very small.

00:05:31.000 But I was doing both of them.

00:05:32.000 I eat a lot of edamame, remember?

00:05:35.000 Edamame will shrink your balls and make you cry.

00:05:37.000 But anyways, it felt really real.

00:05:38.000 I only had hot water.

00:05:40.000 For lube?

00:05:41.000 Yeah, for lube, but it felt really good.

00:05:42.000 Want to use like shampoo or something?

00:05:45.000 Because it's supposed to be a water-based oil.

00:05:47.000 It felt good for even just being samples outside of its cocoon and everything.

00:05:51.000 It wasn't even in the can or anything.

00:05:53.000 So I can't wait to fuck one of these things.

00:05:54.000 Is this one of them right now?

00:05:55.000 Yeah, these are the ones right now.

00:05:57.000 But...

00:05:58.000 This is not without some controversy.

00:06:00.000 This is actually going to be really loud for these people to be listening to the iPods.

00:06:04.000 I'll try to do this as softly as possible.

00:06:07.000 And we'll only do it once so it's not annoying.

00:06:09.000 This is apparently, this is the Fleshlight.

00:06:13.000 Wow, it comes in a nice packaging.

00:06:15.000 Are you going to do an unboxing video for us, Joe?

00:06:17.000 Yes, we'll do an unboxing of the Fleshlight.

00:06:20.000 Let's see what we've got here.

00:06:21.000 Now, this is not without some controversy, and this is where it gets strange.

00:06:25.000 My manager is very, very upset with me.

00:06:29.000 Yeah.

00:06:29.000 And does not think that the fleshlight is a good thing to have for a sponsor.

00:06:37.000 And I was surprised by that.

00:06:39.000 Very surprised.

00:06:40.000 Yeah, because they were really adamant about it.

00:06:42.000 They were like, you could be up for some sort of a show.

00:06:45.000 CBS. And they find out that you have the fleshlight...

00:06:50.000 On your podcast, you know, that you're sponsored by a thing.

00:06:54.000 Not just that you have an opinion about a thing.

00:06:56.000 They were saying that the big deal is that you are sponsored by this thing.

00:06:59.000 And because you're sponsored by this thing, somehow or another that makes you like...

00:07:03.000 What does that make you?

00:07:04.000 A bad person?

00:07:06.000 Yeah, it's because you don't masturbate with your hand.

00:07:08.000 Yeah, you're a bad person because you prefer to masturbate with the rubber vagina?

00:07:14.000 Right.

00:07:15.000 Like, really?

00:07:15.000 That's like old school, like, you know...

00:07:17.000 It's crazy talk.

00:07:18.000 Right.

00:07:19.000 Like...

00:07:19.000 It's crazy the idea that you don't masturbate.

00:07:21.000 If you don't masturbate, what's wrong with you?

00:07:22.000 It feels good, first of all.

00:07:25.000 Two, it's a great way of getting a release, like a sexual release.

00:07:29.000 It's not built up.

00:07:30.000 It's not annoying you all day.

00:07:31.000 Because if you're not getting laid, and a lot of us aren't, if you're not getting laid and you don't jerk off, you're going to go fucking bananas.

00:07:38.000 Right?

00:07:39.000 Yeah.

00:07:39.000 That's a fact.

00:07:40.000 Totally true.

00:07:41.000 So what is this?

00:07:42.000 Some sort of a leftover...

00:07:44.000 Puritanical bullshit ideals.

00:07:45.000 Don't show your ankles.

00:07:47.000 Technology.

00:07:48.000 Put dresses over the legs of chairs.

00:07:50.000 You ever seen those buildings where they put, or those old furniture from like, I don't know what year it was.

00:07:56.000 It was way, way, way back in the Victorian era, I guess.

00:07:59.000 They would literally put dresses around the legs of chairs.

00:08:03.000 Laces.

00:08:03.000 Jesus Christ.

00:08:04.000 So that people don't get excited by fucking chairs.

00:08:06.000 But it was like bras.

00:08:07.000 You remember going to your grandmother's house and seeing that old white That's you!

00:08:24.000 I'm doing it.

00:08:27.000 My shit's on airplane mode.

00:08:29.000 I thought, well, I'm gonna put mine on airplane mode.

00:08:31.000 So yeah, they used to put doilies type shit on furniture that was almost like lace of a bra to cover up the ankles of a chair or a leg of a table.

00:08:41.000 How fucking crazy are people?

00:08:42.000 How fucking crazy are people and how crazy is it that me, of all people, Like, all the shit that I've talked about, from fucking DMT to the fact that I think the government killed Kennedy and the same people are probably in power and giant fucking corporations control the world.

00:09:00.000 You have a video of you and me watching two girls in one cup and then you showing, no, you gotta watch a video of a guy chopping off their dick, but yet you can't masturbate with...

00:09:10.000 That's okay, but masturbation's terrible.

00:09:12.000 It makes no sense at all.

00:09:14.000 Of all the shit that I've put out on the internet, I try to be as honest as possible.

00:09:17.000 And I try to put out as much on the internet about things that I'm interested in.

00:09:21.000 I don't care if you think I'm crazy.

00:09:23.000 I don't care if you think it's inappropriate.

00:09:25.000 Look, I'm just curious about this certain subject.

00:09:27.000 Here it is.

00:09:28.000 Whether it's on my message board or whether we're talking about it on this podcast or whether we put it on Twitter.

00:09:34.000 If I find something I think it's interesting, I'm going to be honest about it.

00:09:37.000 Why is that a fucking bad thing?

00:09:40.000 And why is the idea of me fucking this rubber flashlight, why is that a bad thing?

00:09:48.000 I don't think middle America wants to think of you masturbating.

00:09:52.000 Is that what it is?

00:09:54.000 You're not supposed to have sex, Joe.

00:09:58.000 So that's what it is.

00:09:59.000 You don't want people to see people having sex or talking about sex too much.

00:10:04.000 And if you endorse sex with yourself, that's a bad thing?

00:10:08.000 I don't know.

00:10:10.000 To me, it's like you can't marry that.

00:10:13.000 Well, the crazy thing is they said, the manager said, that one of the things they were talking about was the fact that this is in the pornography industry.

00:10:21.000 That's what they said.

00:10:22.000 It's the pornography industry?

00:10:23.000 Yeah, that it's pornography.

00:10:24.000 And I said, how is it involved in the pornography industry?

00:10:26.000 It's like, it's just a rubber vagina.

00:10:29.000 They're like, well, when you use it, you watch pornography.

00:10:33.000 That was an actual argument.

00:10:35.000 How come you can't do it with your imagination?

00:10:38.000 It has to involve pornography.

00:10:39.000 Joe, how many documentaries have you done on DMT and drugs?

00:10:42.000 So the drug industry is okay, but the porn industry, the Janet Jackson nipple industry, is just out of control.

00:10:48.000 Insane.

00:10:48.000 Why?

00:10:50.000 I don't know what you just said.

00:10:51.000 You might be a little bit too high to talk right now, young man.

00:10:53.000 No, I'm saying, how many documentaries have you done about drugs?

00:10:57.000 I've done a couple documentaries on drugs.

00:10:58.000 So the drug industry to your managers, fine.

00:11:00.000 No, the drug industry is not really an industry.

00:11:02.000 The idea is that a documentary is different because it's just your opinion on a certain subject, whereas this is an endorsement.

00:11:09.000 That's the argument.

00:11:09.000 Endorsement.

00:11:10.000 Endorsement.

00:11:11.000 So if you were endorsed by marijuana, it would probably be bad, too.

00:11:13.000 Marijuana is illegal.

00:11:15.000 You are endorsed by marijuana.

00:11:16.000 I am endorsed by marijuana.

00:11:17.000 Marijuana actually not only sponsors this show, it writes most of the material and causes most of the things to happen.

00:11:24.000 He's the producer.

00:11:25.000 Marijuana is the secret producer.

00:11:26.000 Trainwreck is the producer.

00:11:28.000 This week it was Green Crack.

00:11:31.000 Green Crack.

00:11:32.000 Executive producer.

00:11:33.000 Secret executive producer of this show this week.

00:11:36.000 Yeah, no shit.

00:11:37.000 So this is a real argument right now.

00:11:39.000 The real argument is that if I endorse this thing, that somehow or another it would be a bad thing.

00:11:44.000 God, look at the packaging on it.

00:11:45.000 I think that's the butthole.

00:11:47.000 Is that a butt?

00:11:48.000 Maybe that's the vagina.

00:11:49.000 Wow.

00:11:49.000 If it is, it's super tight.

00:11:51.000 Can I feel it?

00:11:51.000 No.

00:11:52.000 Let me just touch it.

00:11:52.000 Give me one and a half.

00:11:54.000 Fucking weirdo.

00:11:55.000 I want one and a half.

00:11:56.000 Do you have the Lupe one?

00:11:57.000 They have a Lupe.

00:11:58.000 If you guys know Lupe, she's on the Howard Stern show.

00:12:01.000 This is like Christmas.

00:12:03.000 Listen to this anal motherfucker.

00:12:04.000 Clear the table of all the junk.

00:12:06.000 Listen, this is way less annoying than the way I used to have it set up.

00:12:10.000 Yeah, there's some junk on the table.

00:12:12.000 How about this?

00:12:12.000 I'll take this down.

00:12:13.000 Move this out of the way.

00:12:14.000 Will that help you?

00:12:15.000 It does look a little better if I do that.

00:12:17.000 How about that?

00:12:17.000 I'm cleaning up for you guys.

00:12:19.000 That's the difference between the Ustream crowd and the iPhone, iPad, iPod crowd.

00:12:26.000 So that's the fleshlight, fella.

00:12:27.000 Fuck it.

00:12:27.000 Enjoy it.

00:12:28.000 I got the stamina training unit.

00:12:30.000 Do you?

00:12:31.000 Yeah, that's to practice to be longer in bed.

00:12:33.000 It says, every man knows the only way to get better is to practice.

00:12:37.000 If you can last 10 minutes in the unit, you can last 20 minutes in bed with anyone.

00:12:43.000 Wow.

00:12:44.000 That's bold.

00:12:45.000 That's strong words.

00:12:47.000 That was one of the things that this guy was telling us.

00:12:48.000 One of the more fascinating things about this whole thing was the actual therapeutic applications of the fleshlight.

00:12:56.000 And this sounds like nonsense.

00:12:58.000 Sounds like someone's just justifying trying to fuck a rubber pussy.

00:13:00.000 But no.

00:13:01.000 They use them for a bunch of different therapeutic reasons.

00:13:04.000 And one of them is people in certain religions aren't allowed to touch their penis.

00:13:09.000 And because they're not allowed to touch their penis, these guys, he said the Hasidic Jews in particular, actually have a hard time orgasming when they have sex with women because they're so used to like fucking pillows.

00:13:20.000 Because they do most of their masturbation like grabbing a sheet or grabbing a pillow.

00:13:24.000 This is his words, not mine.

00:13:25.000 This could be totally nonsense.

00:13:27.000 I don't know.

00:13:28.000 I have not researched this at all.

00:13:30.000 That's my caveat.

00:13:31.000 But he said that the fleshlight is actually covered by some insurance policies as therapy.

00:13:39.000 As sexual therapy to get them to learn how to orgasm with a vagina instead of fucking some rough pillow.

00:13:47.000 I don't know.

00:13:48.000 I have not validated this.

00:13:50.000 It makes sense to me.

00:13:51.000 It totally makes sense to me.

00:13:53.000 And the other reason for the fleshlight is it trains guys not to prematurely ejaculate.

00:13:59.000 And guys who have problems with premature ejaculation, they can practice in the fleshlight.

00:14:04.000 That's the idea.

00:14:04.000 You're supposed to take this tube out.

00:14:05.000 Oh, that doesn't feel good.

00:14:07.000 That is a metal, it's a plastic, hard-ass tube in there.

00:14:10.000 Yeah.

00:14:11.000 Don't get too crazy.

00:14:12.000 Don't pull your dick outside.

00:14:14.000 I'll fucking panic.

00:14:16.000 So, I don't think there's any...

00:14:18.000 Look, obviously we all masturbate.

00:14:20.000 It's silly at this point in this stage of life to deny that.

00:14:24.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:14:26.000 It's dumb.

00:14:26.000 So, if we all masturbate, what's wrong with this thing?

00:14:29.000 What's wrong with this?

00:14:30.000 You know what's great?

00:14:31.000 I do things like smoke cigarettes.

00:14:33.000 I used to smoke cigarettes in the car and it's out of the boredom of my hand.

00:14:37.000 I think therapeutically I could put this in my car and instead of smoking a cigarette just finger it because it feels so good.

00:14:42.000 I mean, don't touch mine but feel your own.

00:14:46.000 I mean, that's something to do with my hand.

00:14:48.000 That feels good.

00:14:49.000 That feels like I'm playing with one of those stress balls but it actually feels like I'm 10% woman doing it.

00:14:56.000 Fuck touching a woman.

00:14:57.000 10% strong numbers.

00:14:58.000 A strong number, son.

00:15:00.000 I think there is a lot of things like that because there was something else he was saying about people, like a lot of medical reasons.

00:15:06.000 What was something else that he said besides that religion?

00:15:10.000 There was like doctors that would use it for...

00:15:14.000 Well, we already covered that.

00:15:16.000 Doctors use it for premature ejaculation and for religions that don't masturbate.

00:15:20.000 You're way too high to be talking right now, son.

00:15:21.000 I was busy with my lady.

00:15:22.000 Here, he's blasted.

00:15:24.000 He's distracted.

00:15:25.000 That's why I tried to keep the iPad away from him.

00:15:26.000 I told you I took one too many hits today.

00:15:28.000 He did take one too many.

00:15:29.000 He went over the deep end, ladies and gentlemen.

00:15:30.000 You're peeing outside.

00:15:31.000 It's my fault.

00:15:32.000 So what I don't understand, and I definitely want to hear from you guys, just let me know on Twitter at Joe Rogan.

00:15:40.000 Just my name now, Joe Rogan.

00:15:41.000 It used to be D-O-T-N-E-T dot net because some dude cyber squatted on my name.

00:15:45.000 But I got it back.

00:15:46.000 Thank you very much, Twitter.

00:15:47.000 My account got verified and all that shit.

00:15:50.000 I want to know.

00:15:51.000 Do you think it's ridiculous?

00:15:52.000 Because I think it's ridiculous.

00:15:53.000 Is there really a bunch of you out there that would not want to see something that I'm doing, whatever the fuck it is, because you know that I support rubber pussies?

00:16:02.000 Is it possible that that could cost somebody business?

00:16:05.000 I mean, in this day and age when the fucking Pope, okay, is not being brought to justice for shielding child molesters, you're really gonna get upset at me if I endorse a rubber pussy?

00:16:16.000 I mean, the Pope is endorsed by the goddamn presidents of every goddamn country in the world, and this guy shielded pedophiles.

00:16:24.000 I mean, it's a fact.

00:16:25.000 He did.

00:16:26.000 He's a part of the problem with the Catholic Church.

00:16:28.000 That motherfucker is accepted everywhere.

00:16:31.000 Am I comparing myself to the Pope?

00:16:33.000 I guess I am, folks.

00:16:34.000 I don't know why.

00:16:37.000 There's some grandiose illusions of grandeur in my head.

00:16:41.000 It's because I've always wanted to wear a dope-ass robe.

00:16:44.000 Show up for work dressed like a Merlin.

00:16:47.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbating.

00:16:50.000 Obviously, you don't either.

00:16:51.000 We all do it.

00:16:52.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with a product that makes masturbation easier or better.

00:16:56.000 That's what it is.

00:16:57.000 I support it.

00:17:00.000 So I'm not going to listen to my managers.

00:17:02.000 I'm going to tell them to go fuck themselves.

00:17:04.000 But I love them.

00:17:05.000 He made an awesome point.

00:17:06.000 Women in their dildos and their vibrators, when people get married at bachelor parties and stuff, that's like a joke.

00:17:14.000 And that's their toy.

00:17:15.000 Guys have never really had any real legit toys.

00:17:19.000 It's true.

00:17:20.000 This is the first one.

00:17:21.000 Yeah, it actually makes sense.

00:17:23.000 Instead of using your hand, wouldn't you use something that feels a hundred times better?

00:17:27.000 Yeah, that is the argument.

00:17:28.000 I can't wait to fuck it and I'm going to get a cantaloupe, put it in the microwave, put a little hole in it and warm it up a little.

00:17:34.000 I'm going to fuck that first, wait a half hour, and then fuck this and see which one's better.

00:17:37.000 The cantaloupe is your move, right?

00:17:38.000 You've done that before.

00:17:39.000 I've done it before.

00:17:40.000 It's great because after you fuck it, you can totally eat it still.

00:17:43.000 You just wash it out.

00:17:45.000 Don't eat the layer.

00:17:46.000 You've done it?

00:17:47.000 Yeah, don't eat the layer.

00:17:47.000 Don't eat the layer.

00:17:48.000 I'm rude.

00:17:48.000 Someone calling me during my fucking podcast.

00:17:52.000 I would shut that off if I knew where it was.

00:17:54.000 Please shut it off.

00:17:57.000 Yeah, Jeff Sussman Management.

00:17:59.000 Uh-oh.

00:17:59.000 That's what it is.

00:18:00.000 They're listening to the podcast right now.

00:18:02.000 Like, hey, man.

00:18:03.000 That's crazy.

00:18:03.000 Let's not talk about this, man.

00:18:04.000 Yeah.

00:18:05.000 Let's not put this out there.

00:18:06.000 Dude, what if he is angry?

00:18:08.000 That's funny that you're managers.

00:18:09.000 That's cool.

00:18:10.000 They could stop because you'd start talking about...

00:18:12.000 No, just...

00:18:12.000 Listen.

00:18:14.000 That's hilarious.

00:18:15.000 Yeah.

00:18:16.000 It's hilarious.

00:18:16.000 They called right when we're talking about them.

00:18:18.000 I know.

00:18:18.000 You know, I see what they're saying.

00:18:20.000 They're trying to protect me from, like, you know, if I had to do a show like Fear Factor or something like that, maybe that could be a problem with some producers.

00:18:26.000 Yeah, but you're talking about fucking horses' dicks.

00:18:28.000 Yeah, I feel like you've got to take me as I am, you know?

00:18:31.000 I'm not a bad guy.

00:18:32.000 Whenever you're ever to say the sins or something.

00:18:34.000 And I don't want to do some sort...

00:18:36.000 I don't want to do a Fear Factor again.

00:18:37.000 Right.

00:18:37.000 I really don't.

00:18:38.000 I mean, it's so tempting not to for the money.

00:18:41.000 Right.

00:18:41.000 But I've got to do something more interesting.

00:18:43.000 I've got to do shit that I like doing because I have so much more fun.

00:18:46.000 So it's almost like getting in bed with a flashlight protects me from doing anything stupid that I know I'll do for money.

00:18:53.000 It's just so easy when something like Fear Factor comes along and they're like, hey, we're going to give you...

00:18:58.000 All this money every week and all you have to do is just show up and watch people do stupid shit.

00:19:03.000 You're like, fuck, it's so easy to get that money.

00:19:06.000 It's so difficult, but you've got to pass on it.

00:19:08.000 You really do.

00:19:09.000 It was good that I did it, but at a certain point in time you have to pass on doing those things.

00:19:14.000 Because if you don't...

00:19:15.000 You're just going to be bitter.

00:19:17.000 By the way, you're talking about old TV while you're doing new TV. This is way easier.

00:19:24.000 We could have never had a fucking show like this that reaches as many people as this thing does, including the podcast on iTunes and this thing on Ustream.

00:19:34.000 And there's no fucking way we could have ever gotten someone to agree to let us practice a TV show.

00:19:41.000 This is what we're going to do.

00:19:42.000 We're going to start off just fucking around with boxes of shit behind me piled up on the desk.

00:19:47.000 And then eventually we're going to move on to trying to have a real show with a desk and real microphones.

00:19:51.000 And the sound is much better.

00:19:53.000 We've got a top-end MP3 recorder.

00:19:56.000 And then the next thing, we've got Ustream producer.

00:19:57.000 We're going to have high-def cameras in here.

00:20:00.000 And eventually we're going to figure out how to do it all through a TriCaster.

00:20:02.000 So that we can have a background and we'll put a green screen out behind us.

00:20:06.000 We never thought that this was going to happen.

00:20:08.000 This is just a goof.

00:20:11.000 Not that this is any big deal.

00:20:12.000 This could have happened.

00:20:13.000 But that it's this easy and this fun and people would enjoy it this much.

00:20:17.000 I could have never done this on television.

00:20:19.000 They would have never let me.

00:20:20.000 And if they did, they would never let me just do it the way we did.

00:20:22.000 They would just wing it and talk about whatever.

00:20:25.000 For the first fucking ten weeks, we didn't even plan what we were going to talk about.

00:20:29.000 We would just get in there, turn it on, and just talk about it.

00:20:33.000 So, I completely lost what the fuck I was talking about.

00:20:36.000 I completely lost what I was saying.

00:20:38.000 I know what my point is.

00:20:39.000 My point is that this is new TV, and you're right.

00:20:43.000 It protects me, really, if I do something like the flashlight or any of the ridiculous shit I do, it protects me from doing any dumb stuff.

00:20:50.000 fear factor type shit in the future it's so funny because there is a pretty direct line on the old tv where the new tv is mixing with the old tv right now i was watching family guy and the episode involved a dog licking out a baby's asshole but it was on the last episode had that uh where brian the dog ate out stewie's asshole and cleaned shit off his ass How is that possible?

00:21:15.000 And we're talking about masturbating, having a problem with masturbating.

00:21:20.000 Wow.

00:21:21.000 That's incredible.

00:21:21.000 It's incredible.

00:21:22.000 I'll have to see that episode.

00:21:23.000 Oh, dude.

00:21:23.000 It's the best episode.

00:21:24.000 Download last episode of Family Guy.

00:21:26.000 They're trapped in a bank vault or something like that.

00:21:29.000 And it is so fucking ridiculous.

00:21:32.000 The shit that they get away with on regular primetime television.

00:21:35.000 And we're talking about fucking a rubber thing.

00:21:39.000 I think when you're as successful as they are or as successful as South Park is, you basically can do whatever the fuck you want.

00:21:45.000 Because people want to be on your show.

00:21:48.000 Advertisers, rather.

00:21:49.000 They want to advertise on your show.

00:21:51.000 I mean, your show is gigantic.

00:21:52.000 South Park has just got such a loyal legion of followers that at this point in time, until the Mohammed thing, they pretty much got away with doing almost anything they wanted for a long time.

00:22:01.000 That's crazy about the Mohammed thing, because in New York City, they just captured the guy, the bomber, and there's a connection that people are starting to make between a Republican senator or something like that said that they think there might be a connection between the two, but they haven't proved anything yet.

00:22:16.000 Well, you know, I mean, that's a good thing to speculate automatically that there might be a connection, but yeah, who the fuck knows?

00:22:22.000 What if there was, man?

00:22:23.000 What if there was?

00:22:24.000 Pretty ridiculous.

00:22:25.000 Listen, man, people are that dumb.

00:22:27.000 There are people that really do believe that you're not supposed to make fun of them at all, and if you do, you're supposed to die.

00:22:33.000 Like, that's the worst example of human beings in the world.

00:22:37.000 And the problem with the Middle East, and this is what I've always talked about, I've talked about it as a joke in my act, but it really is kind of true.

00:22:43.000 One of the reasons why they're so arcane in their ways, what are you doing, trying to adjust the sound?

00:22:49.000 One of the reasons why they're so arcane in their ways is that that's where culture began.

00:22:55.000 The oldest known civilization that we know of is Sumer, and that's where Iraq is.

00:23:00.000 So basically, the people that are still in that area are like the townies of the world.

00:23:04.000 I mean, they're really stuck on some fucking multi-thousand-year-old shit.

00:23:10.000 And us being in America, it's not that America is better than other countries, but one advantage that America has is that we're the most recent country.

00:23:17.000 So we're all from somewhere that sucked.

00:23:21.000 Every one of us here, we came from somewhere that sucked, or our ancestors came from somewhere that sucked.

00:23:27.000 And they congregated to this one place to get the most fresh ideas, supposedly.

00:23:31.000 To be the most progressive.

00:23:33.000 Because they're at the furthest ahead of the curve.

00:23:36.000 But people in the Middle East, that's the furthest, that's the beginning point of the curve.

00:23:41.000 They really are the fucking townies of the world.

00:23:44.000 And that's why there's the problem with this fucking cartoon thing.

00:23:47.000 Is that these motherfuckers really do believe that there's some magical motherfucker that you're not supposed to draw.

00:23:54.000 I mean, it's bananas.

00:23:56.000 That is the enemy of evolution.

00:23:59.000 This ancient ideology, this...

00:24:02.000 This fucking ridiculous idea that somehow or another, several thousand years ago, they had it wired.

00:24:09.000 They had it figured out back then.

00:24:11.000 Even though they didn't know jack shit about medicine, about the constellations.

00:24:16.000 They didn't know anything.

00:24:17.000 But they had it wired.

00:24:18.000 They knew.

00:24:19.000 They knew what was going on.

00:24:20.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

00:24:22.000 It's ridiculous.

00:24:24.000 The fact that there's people willing to die for that.

00:24:27.000 That in 2010, that is still rocking.

00:24:31.000 It is amazing.

00:24:32.000 It's amazing.

00:24:36.000 Tom Cruise is the same way, too.

00:24:38.000 Dude, personally, I think that the scariest thing is not even the Middle East.

00:24:43.000 I don't think the scariest thing in this world is that ideology.

00:24:46.000 I think that's very scary.

00:24:48.000 But to me, what's scarier is what's happening in Mexico and the fact that Mexico is connected to us.

00:24:53.000 And Mexico is in the middle of gigantic gang wars between the police and these gang cartels that have fucking billions of dollars.

00:25:03.000 These guys have insane amounts of money because that's the only way you can make money.

00:25:07.000 So it's basically like...

00:25:09.000 I mean, that's not the only way you can make money in Mexico.

00:25:10.000 That's not what I'm saying.

00:25:11.000 I'm saying, you know, they're totally illegal.

00:25:13.000 To sell cocaine, it has to be sold illegal.

00:25:15.000 You can't sell it legally.

00:25:16.000 You can't regulate it and tax it.

00:25:18.000 You can't do anything with it.

00:25:19.000 You have to sell it illegally.

00:25:21.000 So people are going to buy cocaine.

00:25:22.000 They're going to buy cocaine from Mexico, and someone's going to get that money.

00:25:25.000 Who the fuck's going to get that money?

00:25:26.000 Well, these drug lords have all that money, and now they're more powerful than the police.

00:25:30.000 And they've got U.S. troops that are going in there now and fucking helping out.

00:25:33.000 I mean, it's bananas down there, dude.

00:25:35.000 Yeah.

00:25:36.000 They're fucking warring in the streets with tanks.

00:25:38.000 What's bananas is people are still going there for vacations.

00:25:41.000 It's so crazy.

00:25:41.000 They just had to report how the last spring break, that was still one of the hot spots for people to go for spring break.

00:25:46.000 If they were Muslims, we'd be fucked.

00:25:49.000 The fact that they're Christians and they're not into blowing themselves up for Jesus.

00:25:54.000 They're into...

00:25:56.000 I mean, what's going on is it's a lot of money and a lot of influence and a lot of people that, you know, get illegal money and they're dominating the actual political system over there.

00:26:06.000 And as many as they try to raid, there's so many more of them.

00:26:09.000 It's such a fucking hard fight because they let them like dig in and get infested.

00:26:13.000 There's just so many fucking gigantic cartels with just tons and tons of money and guns.

00:26:19.000 It's so frightening.

00:26:20.000 But if they were the enemy, if that was Muslim...

00:26:24.000 If Pakistan was right next door to us and this shit was going down, it would be even scarier.

00:26:30.000 It really would.

00:26:32.000 Because for some reason, the Mexicans aren't blaming the Americans.

00:26:36.000 It's really interesting.

00:26:37.000 It's like, Mexican people are pretty proud people.

00:26:40.000 And they're not blaming a lot of what's going on.

00:26:42.000 Because they have a lot of family here, that's why.

00:26:44.000 They're not going to fuck with half of their families.

00:26:45.000 Well, it's also, I mean, it's really clear what happened.

00:26:49.000 Mexico wanted to make drugs legal.

00:26:50.000 They wanted to decriminalize them and make them legal.

00:26:53.000 And make it so that people can sell them and tax them and all that.

00:26:56.000 And the United States said, no fucking way.

00:26:58.000 Like, no way.

00:27:00.000 And if you don't have laws and you're involved in a business like selling drugs, you're going to have criminals.

00:27:06.000 Because even when you have laws, we have things like pharmaceutical companies.

00:27:10.000 I mean, pharmaceutical companies are basically legal drug dealers.

00:27:13.000 And they're dealing shit that kills motherfuckers every day.

00:27:17.000 There's always people dropping off from Vicodin and Percocet.

00:27:21.000 I remember when I got my nose fixed, when I got my deviated septum operated on, the doctor gave me a Vicodin We're good to go.

00:27:51.000 Fuckloads!

00:27:52.000 Dude, they give those things out like candy.

00:27:54.000 Well, right after I decided not to accept the prescription, a study came out showing that the FDA, Food and Drug Administration, they're going to recommend cutting way back on prescriptions.

00:28:07.000 And they recommend that doctors do not prescribe them because of liver damage and because of addiction.

00:28:12.000 Oh, I have probably four half full bottles of Vicodin laying around just from going to the dentist.

00:28:18.000 Huh?

00:28:19.000 Do they talk to you?

00:28:20.000 The Vicodin bottles?

00:28:21.000 Only when I sleep.

00:28:22.000 Like in the middle of the night.

00:28:23.000 They wake up and they're combing my hair.

00:28:25.000 You go, dude, you're really stressed right now.

00:28:26.000 You know how I feel better?

00:28:27.000 Actually, I hate Vicodin.

00:28:28.000 Just chew me up, man.

00:28:29.000 I hate Vicodin.

00:28:30.000 I hate feeling...

00:28:31.000 Just chew me up.

00:28:32.000 I just feel gross.

00:28:34.000 When I do Vicodin.

00:28:34.000 I've only done Vicodin once when I had my first knee operation.

00:28:38.000 I've had three knee operations, two ACL reconstructions, one meniscus surgery.

00:28:44.000 The first time I had the ACL done, it was pretty painful because they did what's called a patella tendon graft.

00:28:50.000 I have this scar that goes from here to here.

00:28:52.000 And what they do is they take a chunk of bone out of your knee and a chunk of bone out of your shin and they cut this big tendon, they cut a slice of it off with the bone.

00:29:02.000 And then they open you up like a fish and they drill it in place.

00:29:06.000 So they take this tendon and they make it smaller to make you a fake tendon for the ACL. And it's apparently supposed to be physically stronger than the original ACL. The point is, you got holes in your bones and screws in your bones and it hurts like a bitch.

00:29:21.000 When you get up, especially when you're sitting down and then you get up, it's way more pain.

00:29:25.000 I have the other one done with a cadaver, so I got a dead dude's shit in this knee.

00:29:29.000 But the one with the ACL where they do the surgery where they take it off the bone is way, way, way more painful.

00:29:36.000 I'd get up from the couch and be like watching TV and it was just like hot lava, just hot lead just going right into my bones.

00:29:43.000 It was so fucking painful.

00:29:46.000 Thank you.

00:29:46.000 And I took a Vicodin.

00:29:47.000 That was the only time I ever took one.

00:29:48.000 And I felt so stupid.

00:29:50.000 Just so drugged.

00:29:52.000 And my jaw was slack.

00:29:54.000 And I was watching TV. And I thought to myself while I was under it, I was like, I will never take this dumb shit again.

00:30:00.000 This stuff's terrible.

00:30:02.000 It's weird how some people are the exact opposite.

00:30:04.000 They'll fucking give you 20 bucks for a Vicodin.

00:30:06.000 Well, what basically we're trying to say is there's no fucking difference between Vicodins and heroin and Oxycontins and heroin are really the same thing.

00:30:16.000 There's no fucking difference between pharmaceutical companies and drug dealers.

00:30:19.000 The only difference is the drug dealers don't have to work within the law.

00:30:24.000 The pharmaceutical companies, they have to bribe politicians.

00:30:27.000 They have to wax doctors.

00:30:29.000 You know what they do with doctors?

00:30:31.000 They take everybody out to dinner.

00:30:33.000 Mrs. Rogan, her mom is a nurse and she works with these pharmaceutical companies.

00:30:39.000 These nurses, they don't make much money and they don't get to go out to fancy dinners.

00:30:43.000 Well, the pharmaceutical companies come along and say, hey, Viagra's going to take us out on a nice dinner.

00:30:47.000 And they all get to go to a nice restaurant and have a nice meal.

00:30:50.000 And it's all on these pharmaceutical companies.

00:30:52.000 They pay for the drinks.

00:30:53.000 They pay for everything.

00:30:54.000 And so these people are more likely to talk nice about their pharmaceuticals.

00:30:58.000 So they prescribe them more.

00:30:59.000 You know what's fucked up about that?

00:31:01.000 I've thought about that also.

00:31:02.000 When I go to the doctor...

00:31:03.000 I was at the doctor recently.

00:31:05.000 Viagra was a poor example.

00:31:06.000 That's a good one.

00:31:06.000 I went to the doctors the other day for acid reflux.

00:31:09.000 Because sometimes after I eat too much caffeine, onions, or I drink too much, I kind of feel like I have acid coming up from my throat.

00:31:17.000 It makes my throat feel tight and all this other stuff.

00:31:19.000 You've had this for a long time.

00:31:20.000 Yeah, I've had it for a while.

00:31:21.000 So I finally went to the doctor the other day, digestive doctor, and I told him everything I had.

00:31:25.000 And then he's like, oh, let me give you some samples.

00:31:26.000 He gave me a garbage bag almost full of this sample.

00:31:30.000 It was called the bluepill.com.

00:31:31.000 I don't remember what the name of it, but it was the bluepill.com or something like that.

00:31:35.000 And I'm thinking, you know what, I wonder if this is even the best thing I could be taking right now or if this guy just got paid to give me a bottle.

00:31:43.000 Because he gave me like 20 bottles of samples and coupons and books.

00:31:48.000 And I take it and I'm like, yeah, I guess that kind of is better.

00:31:52.000 But I don't know if I'm just tricking myself or if I have to go back there and make a second appointment just to be like, look, whatever you gave me, that's bullshit.

00:31:59.000 Well, we know for sure that doctors are influenced by pharmaceutical companies.

00:32:04.000 You know, they give them money.

00:32:05.000 They get money for, they were getting, I don't know if this is still true or still legal or if there's different states that have different laws.

00:32:12.000 I don't know how it all works.

00:32:13.000 But from what I understand, doctors have been busted where they're getting a percentage of the amount of sales that they have.

00:32:20.000 Like say if they sell, you know, X amount of Valiums, they get a kickback from the pharmaceutical company.

00:32:25.000 That should absolutely be illegal.

00:32:27.000 I mean, that's crazy.

00:32:28.000 That's bananas.

00:32:29.000 Hopefully technology helps that, though.

00:32:30.000 So when they try to prescribe something, like a million topics come, text to your phone, and you go, actually, no, I want to take this one.

00:32:37.000 This one's better.

00:32:37.000 Right.

00:32:38.000 Yeah, like an iPhone app that tells you your doctor's trying to get you hooked on something.

00:32:42.000 Yeah, you turn it on, and when the doctor comes in...

00:32:44.000 No, we're not trying to shit on doctors or anything, man.

00:32:47.000 No.

00:32:47.000 The whole system is fucked up.

00:32:48.000 And when you're a doctor and you're struggling to get along and you have to pay an insane amount of malpractice insurance, I mean, malpractice insurance for doctors is goddamn brutal.

00:32:57.000 And then you have all these assholes that want to sue you for fucking nothing, for no reason, for shit getting wrong, for you getting an infection, for things that are totally unavoidable.

00:33:05.000 I'm not saying the doctor's perfect, but it's hard for doctors.

00:33:09.000 Their medical school bills are gigantic.

00:33:12.000 They're fucking huge.

00:33:13.000 All of a sudden, some pharmaceutical company comes along and says, hey, you're still helping all these people.

00:33:19.000 You're still doing a great thing.

00:33:20.000 We just would love it if you would tell them, take Vioxx if you have arthritis.

00:33:25.000 These doctors say, yeah, I could do that.

00:33:27.000 We'll be in on a deal with you guys.

00:33:31.000 We'll give you a share in the company.

00:33:32.000 We'll give you a certain percentage.

00:33:34.000 For every Vioxx bottle you sell, we'll give you X percent.

00:33:37.000 And so they don't think they're doing anything wrong.

00:33:40.000 Vioxx is something that was created to help people.

00:33:42.000 This person has a pain.

00:33:43.000 I'll give them this.

00:33:44.000 It'll help their pain.

00:33:45.000 And I'll profit.

00:33:46.000 And they don't even think it's a bad thing.

00:33:48.000 And the next thing you know, they're prescribing it way more than they did before, especially nutty pills.

00:33:53.000 There's been many studies done on people who take on antidepressants and how people have gone to psychiatrists just for experimentation purposes, just to write stories on it.

00:34:03.000 And just say, hey, I'm just having trouble sleeping.

00:34:05.000 I just feel shitty all day.

00:34:07.000 I don't know what to do.

00:34:08.000 Here, take this.

00:34:09.000 Bam!

00:34:09.000 It's that simple.

00:34:10.000 Have Zoloft.

00:34:11.000 You'll feel better.

00:34:12.000 They're just dishing it out.

00:34:14.000 Try this for a little bit and tell us how you feel.

00:34:17.000 We're fucking with human neurochemistry and we're allowing these heartless pharmaceutical companies to do it?

00:34:22.000 You can't do that, man.

00:34:24.000 There's got to be more oversight.

00:34:25.000 I know there's a lot of money involved in pharmaceuticals and I know that there's a lot of pharmaceuticals that do a lot of good for a lot of people.

00:34:31.000 I'm not saying there's anything bad about it, but there's got to be way more oversight because they have so much shit out there that you can get addicted to.

00:34:41.000 There's so much that will fuck your life up and it's readily available.

00:34:46.000 Oxycontins, fucking Percocets, Valiums, Vicodins, those fucking things will crush you.

00:34:55.000 And somehow or another, those guys are doing something that's way more acceptable than someone who sells pot or coke.

00:35:05.000 Or fucks a rubber vagina.

00:35:07.000 Or fucks a rubber vagina.

00:35:08.000 Those people are looked at as heroes, doctors and stuff, but yet, if you talk about this...

00:35:13.000 You know, bad person.

00:35:15.000 Well, you know, I mean, look, doctors are heroes, man.

00:35:17.000 The doctors that have fixed me up, I mean, forever in their debt.

00:35:20.000 The guy who fixed my nose, the guys who fixed my knees.

00:35:23.000 You know, if it wasn't for them, my nose would suck and I wouldn't be able to walk that good.

00:35:27.000 You know, I mean, doctors are fucking awesome.

00:35:28.000 I'm not saying that.

00:35:29.000 I'm just saying we live in this ridiculous state of hypocrisy.

00:35:33.000 Because there's certain drugs that we make illegal, you literally aren't supposed to have them.

00:35:39.000 It's not that you can get them prescribed if you need them or they can monitor you.

00:35:43.000 No, you're not allowed to.

00:35:45.000 Big Daddy, who knows more than you, tells you that if you're with this drug, we're going to lock you in a cage.

00:35:51.000 Like, what the fuck?

00:35:52.000 Why is that?

00:35:53.000 Is that set up so that the people who really appreciate and recognize the merits in the psychedelic drugs rise up so that they realize they have to literally overthrow the culture, the way of thinking?

00:36:06.000 Not overthrow, rather, but overturn the way the culture accepts drugs?

00:36:12.000 Because that's the only thing that seems to make sense.

00:36:14.000 All the beneficial ones are illegal.

00:36:16.000 You don't ever hear about someone talking to you about they did Valium and they just really had this life-changing experience and learned to love everyone.

00:36:23.000 No, you don't have that fucking on Valium.

00:36:25.000 I felt connected to the universe and I realized that I'm just a part of a never-ending process and my biology is trying to hold on to everything and that's where the insecurity comes from.

00:36:33.000 No, you don't get that from fucking Valium, okay?

00:36:36.000 You get that from mushrooms.

00:36:38.000 And mushrooms grow outside, and if they catch you with them, they put you in a cage.

00:36:42.000 If they come by your fucking house, and you have mushrooms growing under a tree in your backyard, they are legally allowed to lock you in a box.

00:36:51.000 They can take you and arrest you.

00:36:53.000 That's fucking bananas!

00:36:57.000 Bananas.

00:36:57.000 And that, our enforcing, our ridiculous thinking on the Mexican people, is why those drug cartels got into power.

00:37:06.000 Is that a conspiracy theory?

00:37:07.000 Perhaps.

00:37:08.000 Is that a little bit of tinfoil hat?

00:37:09.000 Perhaps.

00:37:10.000 Yeah, maybe, but some of that tinfoil hat shit is on the money, and I think it is with this.

00:37:14.000 We live right next to a country that's involved in a way more deadly war than the one going on in Afghanistan or going on in Iraq.

00:37:22.000 Both of them combined can't even touch the body counts that are happening in Mexico right next door.

00:37:27.000 They're killing motherfuckers!

00:37:29.000 They're going crazy over there, dude!

00:37:31.000 And you can get there by walking.

00:37:34.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:37:35.000 I mean, we're all invested in Afghanistan and securing Afghanistan.

00:37:39.000 Meanwhile, we live right next to a fucking third world country.

00:37:43.000 We are connected to them with an invisible line and they're involved in the bloodiest pharmaceutical war that's ever been fought in the history of this earth.

00:37:53.000 The illegal pharmaceutical war.

00:37:54.000 They're fighting it with goddamn tanks.

00:37:57.000 They're fighting a pharmaceutical war with tanks.

00:38:00.000 And that's what the war is.

00:38:01.000 The war is who gets to sell your shit.

00:38:03.000 Is it going to be people that have no law whatsoever or is it going to be people that have laws?

00:38:09.000 And if you say it's going to be people that have laws and that the other stuff you're not going to allow, well then someone's going to sell that other stuff because there's a goddamn demand for it.

00:38:17.000 Shit's dangerous everywhere.

00:38:18.000 Did you hear about this West Hollywood like yesterday?

00:38:22.000 Or something like that?

00:38:22.000 A woman walks into Target at West Hollywood and just starts fucking stabbing or shooting people.

00:38:28.000 I think shooting people.

00:38:29.000 Shot four people and finally was taken down by a undercover cop.

00:38:32.000 You can't say I think.

00:38:33.000 You gotta do a Google app, motherfucker.

00:38:35.000 This is the age of the internet, son.

00:38:37.000 You can't be using like 1984 type storytelling skills.

00:38:41.000 While I look this up, give us some facts about Target.

00:38:44.000 Well, Target is an awesome place if you want to buy some shit.

00:38:47.000 They usually have it there.

00:38:49.000 However, Target would not carry the rubber pussy.

00:38:52.000 Target frowns upon the rubber pussy.

00:38:55.000 Woman stabs four people in West Hollywood.

00:39:00.000 She's 34 years old, entered the store, attacked shoppers with a butcher knife and a steak knife.

00:39:06.000 An off-duty LA County Sheriff's deputy and store security guards apprehended her.

00:39:11.000 Thank God those guys were there.

00:39:12.000 Thank God someone had some fucking balls.

00:39:14.000 I hope they brained that bitch.

00:39:16.000 When they took her out, they should have just shoved that fucking knife right into her heart.

00:39:19.000 You know, you're in the middle of a battle, a knife battle, with a knife-wielding assailant.

00:39:24.000 You should just stick that fucking thing right in her neck.

00:39:26.000 Wow, she was yelling, I'm bipolar.

00:39:29.000 There's no witness protection program.

00:39:31.000 Oh, God.

00:39:33.000 See, at that point, we have to know when to kill people.

00:39:36.000 We really do.

00:39:37.000 You can't bring that person back and reintroduce them to society.

00:39:40.000 Life is short and you have fucked it up so bad.

00:39:44.000 There's just no way of coming back from that.

00:39:47.000 We just gotta start from scratch.

00:39:48.000 And it sends a message to all the other people out there thinking about going nutty.

00:39:52.000 Don't go that nutty.

00:39:54.000 Alright?

00:39:54.000 Stop.

00:39:55.000 Don't go running into Target and fucking stabbing people.

00:39:57.000 We're not gonna allow that shit.

00:39:59.000 Jesus Christ.

00:40:01.000 We're so goddamn tolerant of fucking loonies.

00:40:04.000 Just kill them.

00:40:06.000 Have you seen those back...

00:40:08.000 I think I talked about this the other day.

00:40:09.000 Yeah, we talked about it the other day when we were talking to the fleshlight dude.

00:40:12.000 The new piercings where they have up and down your back, they have hoops and then they take laces and go back and forth like it's a dress and they tie bows and stuff with it.

00:40:23.000 I was thinking, how fucking crazy is that?

00:40:26.000 Even piercings are crazy.

00:40:28.000 I remember back in the day, it was left hoop, right hoop.

00:40:31.000 If you're crazy, you went eyebrow.

00:40:33.000 If you're really nutty, you went eyebrow.

00:40:35.000 Then it moved on to the belly button.

00:40:38.000 Some crazy girls got nipples and clits.

00:40:40.000 Now they're fucking making clothes out of your skin.

00:40:43.000 I think you should probably talk to that microphone more.

00:40:45.000 It's pumped up.

00:40:48.000 It's getting to the point where now it's like laces back and forth.

00:40:51.000 You're making skin dresses.

00:40:53.000 That's how crazy piercing is.

00:40:55.000 What he's talking about is a series of loops that these women are putting on their bodies and their back and they make it like shoelaces.

00:41:04.000 It's the trippiest thing ever.

00:41:05.000 When you see someone, that's a girl who doesn't give a fuck.

00:41:08.000 She won't even blink if you fuck her in the ass.

00:41:11.000 She'll be like, what?

00:41:12.000 There was a girl standing outside of my grocery store trying to do Greenpeace, whatever that shit is, and she had that whole thing up and down with a bra on.

00:41:20.000 Do you think that that's the message?

00:41:22.000 That the message is that they can take all sorts of crazy pain?

00:41:26.000 That's the sexiness of the message?

00:41:28.000 I think that or...

00:41:29.000 People are just getting weird about skin.

00:41:31.000 Yeah, but is that maybe the sexiness of the message?

00:41:33.000 What it is is that, you know, what you're doing is you're taking lust to the next level.

00:41:38.000 Because everything has got to go to the next level now.

00:41:40.000 Because we have this crazy access to information, you know, like people are fucking way different than they fucked like in like the 1970s.

00:41:47.000 Yeah.

00:41:47.000 You know, no one is accepting, you know, lights out, you know, just fucking and no dirty talk, no nothing, missionary style, rollover, kiss goodnight, go to sleep.

00:41:56.000 No one's accepting that.

00:41:57.000 Everyone's Going lobster style.

00:41:59.000 And this is all because of the internet, because pornography has changed the way people look at sex.

00:42:04.000 And what they're talking about, a lot of people are talking about there's a problem with young girls right now getting all sorts of problems with their buttholes because they're having butt sex way early and all the time.

00:42:14.000 There's going to be a lot of 30-year-old women in a couple years from now.

00:42:18.000 With diapers on.

00:42:18.000 Yeah, the diapers on.

00:42:19.000 And that's going to be the hot fashion.

00:42:20.000 Hot fashion with your pampers.

00:42:21.000 Oh my god.

00:42:22.000 No, you know what's going to be the big operation?

00:42:24.000 It's not going to be Botox.

00:42:25.000 It's going to be getting your butthole tightened.

00:42:27.000 Yeah.

00:42:27.000 Get your butthole brought back to reality.

00:42:29.000 Or get like a filter.

00:42:30.000 Yeah.

00:42:30.000 For a while, you're going to have to use a colostomy bag for a little while until your butthole recovers from the surgery.

00:42:35.000 That shit's real, man.

00:42:37.000 What are these people doing?

00:42:38.000 You know what they're doing?

00:42:40.000 They're getting everything to the highest level possible.

00:42:44.000 That's what these piercings are about.

00:42:46.000 That's why guys think girls who are tattooed up are sexy.

00:42:49.000 What's sexy about tattoos is if you have tattoos, you know how much fucking pain it causes.

00:42:54.000 It's so goddamn painful.

00:42:55.000 So you see someone with tattoos, you're like, that's someone who doesn't give a fuck.

00:42:59.000 And that's the sexiness of it.

00:43:01.000 But shit.

00:43:02.000 We're bananas, man.

00:43:05.000 Our society is going in a very, very, very, very strange direction.

00:43:08.000 Oh, it's ridiculous.

00:43:10.000 The age of information is not necessarily aiding it entirely because people aren't necessarily using the information on the internet to make an objective opinion.

00:43:20.000 They're usually trying to find stuff that reinforces their own current opinion.

00:43:24.000 It's a very tempting thing.

00:43:27.000 With ideas on the internet, you've got to look at both sides of it.

00:43:30.000 But a lot of people aren't.

00:43:31.000 So it's like almost helping retards be retarded.

00:43:34.000 If they can find other sites that say the earth is flat and dinosaurs lived with people 6,000 years ago.

00:43:39.000 You can find plenty of sites if you look around.

00:43:42.000 It tells you that evolution is retarded.

00:43:45.000 You can have plenty of sites that will have guys who are doctors and they're scientists.

00:43:51.000 They're obviously crazy.

00:43:52.000 But they're telling people that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that carbon dating is not real, and that evolution is a myth, and that we had to come from somewhere, so there has to be a God, and that the Bible can prove the Bible mathematically.

00:44:06.000 They start talking nutty talk, and these are doctors and scientists.

00:44:09.000 So if you just look for them, you'll decide on their point of view.

00:44:14.000 If you just look at any one side of any issue, you can get your answers reinforced.

00:44:20.000 So the problem with that is, People are just getting their answers reinforced, or questions rather, reinforced.

00:44:24.000 They're not necessarily learning.

00:44:26.000 They're finding other retards who have set up websites that confirm their retarded ideas.

00:44:32.000 That's kind of a little bit of a problem.

00:44:34.000 That's one problem with the internet.

00:44:36.000 The other part of it is just magnificent.

00:44:39.000 The other part of it is people who are open-minded, who are really using it as this crazy network of information, and they're really learning like at this It's an incredible, exponentially expanding rate.

00:44:50.000 We're learning shit and we're so much more aware of shit than our parents were.

00:44:54.000 We're so much more aware of information.

00:44:55.000 There's so much more shit going on that you have to store in your head.

00:45:00.000 When I talk to my mom about the world, what's going on in the world, I feel like I'm talking to my daughter.

00:45:08.000 There's a level of understanding that our generation has reached.

00:45:15.000 That really hasn't been reached before.

00:45:17.000 Is that just an age thing, though?

00:45:18.000 No, it's the internet, man.

00:45:20.000 It's the internet, yeah.

00:45:21.000 I mean, it's acceleration.

00:45:22.000 I mean, I think our parents were smarter than their parents, and their parents were smarter than their parents.

00:45:26.000 And, you know, it's always been that way, that we evolve, and as we evolve, we get brighter.

00:45:31.000 And you can see that in culture.

00:45:32.000 You can see that in, like, the movies that they used to watch in the 1940s.

00:45:35.000 They're fucking horrible.

00:45:36.000 I mean, they're way worse than the bad movies we have today.

00:45:38.000 It doesn't even have to be the 1940s.

00:45:39.000 The other day I watched Reality Bites.

00:45:41.000 I don't know if you remember that movie.

00:45:42.000 It had, what's his name, Ben Stiller, Janine Garofalo.

00:45:46.000 It had all these famous people.

00:45:47.000 It had awesome soundtracks.

00:45:48.000 What was the other one that you were telling me that you made your girl watch?

00:45:51.000 You thought it was an awesome movie at the time, but it was fucking terrible and she was mad at you?

00:45:55.000 What was that?

00:45:56.000 Oh, Can't Buy Me Love.

00:46:01.000 Reality Bites, though.

00:46:03.000 Those are the McDreamy.

00:46:04.000 McDreamy.

00:46:05.000 McDreamy's in it and he used to mow lawns and he paid the most popular...

00:46:09.000 And he bagged all those brats.

00:46:10.000 And he was delivering pizzas?

00:46:11.000 Isn't that the same one?

00:46:12.000 No.

00:46:13.000 He paid the most popular girl to be his girlfriend for a week and then he became too popular and then she spilled cranberry juice on a dress.

00:46:21.000 But I watched that the other day.

00:46:22.000 It was awful.

00:46:23.000 But Reality Bites, horrible.

00:46:25.000 Like, really uncomfortable to watch.

00:46:26.000 But the worst disturbing thing is I used to have a crush on Janine Garofalo back in that time period.

00:46:31.000 I thought she was like, oh, she's a hot comic girl.

00:46:33.000 She's so hot.

00:46:34.000 I looked at that movie and almost puked because of how ugly she was.

00:46:37.000 And I want to know what the fuck...

00:46:38.000 Don't be so mean.

00:46:41.000 Listen, she's not that ugly.

00:46:42.000 Don't be rude.

00:46:43.000 That's rude.

00:46:44.000 You're being rude.

00:46:44.000 No, in the movie.

00:46:45.000 Her character in the movie.

00:46:46.000 Her character in that movie.

00:46:48.000 This is what happened.

00:46:48.000 You used to have different tastes.

00:46:49.000 Now you're into the porn star look.

00:46:51.000 That's all cool.

00:46:52.000 That's all cool.

00:46:54.000 But back then, you weren't, man.

00:46:55.000 That's what it is.

00:46:56.000 Everybody has a look.

00:46:57.000 If you watched the movie, you could see the line where her makeup was.

00:46:59.000 That's ridiculous.

00:47:00.000 Listen, that's not what's important.

00:47:01.000 What's important is the evolution of culture.

00:47:03.000 What's important in this conversation is not your fucking weird thing with Janine Garofalo.

00:47:06.000 I'm just saying, I evolved.

00:47:08.000 That movie to me is awful.

00:47:09.000 We all have.

00:47:10.000 It's embarrassingly bad.

00:47:11.000 A movie like that, I watched Altered States.

00:47:13.000 It was terrible.

00:47:14.000 Altered States totally does not hold up.

00:47:16.000 To me, that movie changed my life because that's the movie that got me into the isolation tanks.

00:47:20.000 If it wasn't for Altered States, I probably never would have a tank in my basement and And when that tank in my basement has changed the way I look at the world, that thing is like my reset button.

00:47:29.000 Whenever I got anything that's fucking with my head, that tank kicks me the real deal every time.

00:47:35.000 It's like my guidebook.

00:47:37.000 It's like literally to me, my isolation tank is like my connection to the spirit world.

00:47:41.000 It's like my spirit guide.

00:47:42.000 It sounds completely retarded.

00:47:44.000 And gay and it sounds new agey.

00:47:47.000 But that's what it feels like.

00:47:48.000 When I get in there and I just zone, I just disappear.

00:47:52.000 My body disappears.

00:47:53.000 When my mind has no sensory input, when I'm just floating through space in that tank, I get truth.

00:47:59.000 I get straight truth about everything I've ever done, about anything that I've ever done where I was the douchebag, anything that I've ever watched where I can re-watch things that have happened in my life and see where I've personally made mistakes, things that I've done well, things that I could have avoided, reasons why people are upset at me.

00:48:18.000 Everything kicks you.

00:48:19.000 And then it kicks me everything about, what am I doing wrong in my personal life?

00:48:23.000 What am I doing wrong in my career?

00:48:25.000 What am I doing wrong in my comedy?

00:48:26.000 What am I doing wrong in my writing?

00:48:28.000 Here's what you can eliminate.

00:48:29.000 Here's what you can do better.

00:48:31.000 Almost never, like, it's never a praising thing.

00:48:33.000 It's always like a ruthless self-examination experience.

00:48:36.000 It's never like an experience like, yeah, I'm fucking awesome here.

00:48:40.000 I'm in the water.

00:48:40.000 Never.

00:48:41.000 It's almost always uncomfortable.

00:48:42.000 But after you get out of it, man, you have a newfound appreciation and respect for life.

00:48:48.000 And that experience would not have happened if I didn't watch that movie Altered States and get confused.

00:48:54.000 Meanwhile, I watched it.

00:48:54.000 I couldn't even watch the whole movie.

00:48:56.000 I shut it off.

00:48:57.000 It was a piece of shit.

00:48:58.000 Those old movies just don't hold up.

00:49:00.000 Like E.T. I watched that the other day.

00:49:02.000 And you remember when E.T. was like, I could believe this is an alien.

00:49:05.000 I saw it the other day and he's like, E.T. And he stopped and he rocks when he stops.

00:49:09.000 I'm like, why is he rocking?

00:49:11.000 Yeah, it's so bad.

00:49:13.000 It's amazing.

00:49:14.000 Yeah, the technology available today, a random dude with a PC who knows how to encode 3D animation, he can make something on his own computer and literally have a texture to it and everything.

00:49:26.000 It would be way better than ET. Imagine when you could do that with avatar graphics.

00:49:29.000 Oh my god.

00:49:30.000 It's going to happen.

00:49:31.000 What is that?

00:49:31.000 Would that be 15 years?

00:49:32.000 It's happening.

00:49:32.000 15 years.

00:49:33.000 No, I don't think it's going to be 15 years.

00:49:35.000 Shit is happening so quickly, man, with the internet, with the level of complexity that they can pull off in animation now is just astounding.

00:49:43.000 I mean, Avatar still looked a little off, but the reason why they got away with it looking a little off is that they used monsters and shit that you don't know in real life.

00:49:52.000 So, you know, you look at it and you go, oh, well...

00:49:54.000 You can't tell it's fake.

00:49:55.000 But, like, you've watched, like, I Am Legend...

00:49:57.000 I Am Legend is the shit, but when they had those lions, you're like, get the fuck out of here.

00:50:03.000 Those lions look so bad.

00:50:04.000 Did I hear they were making a sequel to that?

00:50:05.000 I hope so.

00:50:06.000 Oh, that would be so good.

00:50:07.000 I love that movie.

00:50:08.000 That movie was fun.

00:50:10.000 In the scene where he shoots the lion, or he's going to shoot a deer, and the lion takes out the deer.

00:50:16.000 It looks so bad.

00:50:18.000 It looks so corny and fake.

00:50:20.000 It's so...

00:50:21.000 it should be totally unacceptable like they really should have to film in another way like you should have to do it in the dark where I can't see it where it happens so quickly but what you show me is just dog shit for a movie that's that powerful they can't totally recreate real life and because of that they can't totally recreate people yet but they can really recreate monsters Shit that they make up.

00:50:43.000 They can make shit that they invent look fucking amazing.

00:50:46.000 Like King Kong.

00:50:47.000 How good did King Kong look?

00:50:48.000 Oh, that was awesome.

00:50:49.000 I just saw that the other day also and that still looks good.

00:50:51.000 Dude, I don't even watch that movie.

00:50:53.000 You know what I do with that movie?

00:50:55.000 I turn it on to the scene where King Kong's fucking shit up.

00:50:58.000 And you jack off.

00:50:59.000 I almost do.

00:51:00.000 I almost do.

00:51:01.000 I scratch my chest.

00:51:02.000 I get fucking crazy.

00:51:03.000 I can see you.

00:51:04.000 Dude, hidden camera footage of you watching King Kong by yourself.

00:51:07.000 Yeah, I might start fucking...

00:51:10.000 I've always been obsessed with primates.

00:51:12.000 I have a giant poster of King Kong.

00:51:14.000 It's like 12 feet tall.

00:51:15.000 You're throwing fleshlights around like fucking apes.

00:51:18.000 I have just a smidgen more monkey in me than the average person.

00:51:22.000 I feel very connected to the monkeys.

00:51:25.000 I get angry when I go to the zoo and I see the monkeys in the cage.

00:51:27.000 I always want to let them out.

00:51:28.000 It's weird.

00:51:29.000 Have you always been like that?

00:51:30.000 Yeah, since I was a little kid.

00:51:32.000 Big Curious George fan?

00:51:33.000 I'm Sicilian, man.

00:51:34.000 They are monkeys.

00:51:36.000 They're way closer to monkeys than regular people.

00:51:38.000 There's something about my ancestors, the way they used to yell at each other, it's just like going to the fucking Chimps Desert.

00:51:44.000 My grandmother used to fucking scream at my grandfather.

00:51:48.000 She didn't give a fuck that I was there.

00:51:50.000 She didn't give a fuck that I was three or four or whatever the fuck I was.

00:51:53.000 I'd be standing right next to her and my grandfather would be like, my grandmother was always late for everything.

00:51:58.000 My grandmother was crazy.

00:52:00.000 My grandmother did time, okay?

00:52:02.000 This is how crazy my grandmother worked for the mob and she did time.

00:52:05.000 Wow, that's crazy.

00:52:06.000 My grandmother was bananas.

00:52:07.000 But she would fucking scream.

00:52:11.000 Joe!

00:52:11.000 Don't rush me!

00:52:12.000 Don't fucking rush me, Joe!

00:52:14.000 My grandfather's name was Joe.

00:52:15.000 Her name was Joe.

00:52:16.000 She would fucking scream at him and he would have to eat it.

00:52:18.000 You are like a monkey.

00:52:19.000 That's like a chimp cage.

00:52:21.000 I was in the lion cage.

00:52:22.000 My family was in the lion cage over at the zoo.

00:52:26.000 We were just like, what's up guys?

00:52:30.000 You always seem like a lion.

00:52:32.000 If I had to describe you, if Brian was an animal, what would he be?

00:52:35.000 Be a lion.

00:52:37.000 That's why I'm a Leo.

00:52:37.000 What are you?

00:52:38.000 What's your sign?

00:52:39.000 You are a Leo?

00:52:40.000 That's right.

00:52:41.000 They don't have a monkey sign.

00:52:42.000 If they had a monkey sign, I'm sure I'd be that.

00:52:43.000 Damn, I don't know.

00:52:44.000 I was a puma and you're a tiger or something.

00:52:46.000 Do you get upset when you go to the zoo?

00:52:48.000 Does that bother you?

00:52:49.000 It doesn't.

00:52:51.000 Drives me fucking crazy.

00:52:52.000 I'm more like, wow, tiger!

00:52:54.000 Drives me fucking crazy.

00:52:56.000 I'm just not that deep.

00:52:57.000 I don't care about the dumb animals.

00:52:59.000 Like, I don't freak out when I see a walrus.

00:53:01.000 Fuck a walrus.

00:53:01.000 Walrus can kiss my ass.

00:53:02.000 I don't give a fuck about you.

00:53:04.000 You're just dumb, you know?

00:53:06.000 What are you doing?

00:53:06.000 I don't want to kill you.

00:53:07.000 I don't want to hurt you.

00:53:08.000 I don't want to cause you pain for no reason, but I don't give a fuck about you.

00:53:12.000 When's your movie Zookeeper coming out?

00:53:13.000 It's not my movie.

00:53:14.000 It's your movie.

00:53:15.000 It's Kevin James' movie, fella.

00:53:17.000 And it comes out in October.

00:53:18.000 October?

00:53:19.000 Yeah.

00:53:19.000 Have you seen a preview or anything?

00:53:20.000 No, I haven't.

00:53:21.000 I've seen little clips where I had to do voiceover shit.

00:53:23.000 It's going to be fun.

00:53:24.000 Yeah?

00:53:24.000 It's a funny movie.

00:53:25.000 Kevin's hilarious.

00:53:25.000 He's a very funny guy.

00:53:26.000 He's awesome at that whole physical comedy thing and doing it with all these animated animals.

00:53:31.000 And the animated animals look pretty fucking dope.

00:53:33.000 Really?

00:53:33.000 Yeah, they just change their mouths and make their mouths move.

00:53:36.000 They're like real animals.

00:53:37.000 They have to train real animals to do certain things.

00:53:39.000 And then they add animation to it.

00:53:41.000 And then they have one guy in a monkey suit.

00:53:43.000 One guy, it was really funny, walked into a car, accidentally knocked himself out.

00:53:47.000 It was really fucked up.

00:53:49.000 Because he hit the thing hard.

00:53:51.000 He banged right into the door of this car and just fell over out cold.

00:53:55.000 Wow.

00:53:56.000 He didn't see it coming.

00:53:56.000 And he walked right into a door.

00:53:58.000 This stuntman, man.

00:53:59.000 Stuntman are fucking savages.

00:54:01.000 No doubt.

00:54:02.000 These guys are nuts, man.

00:54:03.000 The dudes that I met on Fear Factor and the dudes that I've worked with, especially the guys on this Zookeeper movie because there was a lot of crazy stunts.

00:54:10.000 I crashed a bike.

00:54:11.000 I wasn't supposed to be doing my own stunts, but I had this bike scene with me and Kevin where I'm chasing him and I'm yelling at him and I'm trying to reach him.

00:54:17.000 I crashed my bike.

00:54:18.000 Three or four hard times.

00:54:20.000 Really?

00:54:20.000 Hard times.

00:54:21.000 One where I go over the handlebars, face plant onto the concrete.

00:54:25.000 Dude, I went over the bars.

00:54:27.000 I grabbed the front brake accidentally and squeezed it too hard and I just went over the top.

00:54:31.000 And I was only one hand in it because I was trying to grab him.

00:54:33.000 We're just improvising the scene.

00:54:35.000 Dude, I launched myself.

00:54:36.000 But somehow or another, I was fine.

00:54:38.000 Like somehow or another, I had the clear-headedness or the peace of mind.

00:54:44.000 To gather myself, you know, I knew I was going over this, and just land correctly.

00:54:48.000 Right, you rolled or something?

00:54:49.000 Something.

00:54:50.000 I got lucky all the time.

00:54:52.000 The only thing I did, I got a scratch on my shin.

00:54:54.000 But dude, I crashed hard, like four times.

00:54:56.000 I did the...

00:54:57.000 I crashed recently.

00:54:58.000 I could have easily broken a wrist or something.

00:55:00.000 There was one time when I went down where it was pretty fucking hard.

00:55:02.000 I went over the handlebars, and I got a hold of...

00:55:05.000 I hit the ground first with my hands, and then my face.

00:55:07.000 My chin hit the ground, but I absorbed it, and I pulled back enough.

00:55:11.000 It was like just enough level-headedness...

00:55:13.000 Where I wound up not, and because of jiu-jitsu, I'm always falling.

00:55:17.000 You're always like rolling with shit.

00:55:18.000 You get comfortable with that.

00:55:19.000 Like, here's the ground.

00:55:20.000 It's like, it's normal.

00:55:21.000 Right.

00:55:21.000 It's a normal feeling.

00:55:22.000 But dude, I could have got fucked up.

00:55:23.000 I could have lost some teeth for sure.

00:55:25.000 Yeah, I just got a bike recently and I did the same thing.

00:55:28.000 I went over my handlebars because I hit a curb.

00:55:31.000 It was dark out and I hit a curb and it didn't like pop over.

00:55:34.000 It just went straight down for something.

00:55:36.000 I flipped over my bike and I felt like my teeth.

00:55:38.000 I'm like, oh my god, that's the first thing I do is grab my teeth.

00:55:41.000 But I landed okay.

00:55:42.000 But I was like, I could have died right there.

00:55:43.000 Yeah, man.

00:55:44.000 That's some scary shit.

00:55:45.000 Bicycles are fucking scary when you're falling, man.

00:55:47.000 Yeah.

00:55:48.000 I just read some article about some woman who just got paralyzed from horse racing, horse jumping, the same as Krista Reeve did.

00:55:54.000 Right.

00:55:54.000 Jumping over hurdles and shit like that.

00:55:56.000 That's some scary shit, dude.

00:55:58.000 You don't need to be doing that, people.

00:56:00.000 Taking it from a guy who's involved in UFC and does jiu-jitsu, it sounds ridiculous.

00:56:04.000 But jiu-jitsu, if you trust your partners, you're pretty safe, man.

00:56:08.000 I mean, I'm doing it all the time, and I've only been injured a few times, and one of the injuries was an old injury.

00:56:14.000 I had one ACL and meniscus tear from my old taekwondo days, and that one re-injured...

00:56:22.000 First in jiu-jitsu, and then I injured the other leg, but that's over fucking...

00:56:26.000 I've been doing it now for 14 years.

00:56:28.000 That's a long-ass time.

00:56:30.000 You know, I only have a few minor injuries, and to roll, like, all the time, because most of the time, you're rolling with dudes you can trust, and, you know, you're not going to fucking dump each other on each other's heads.

00:56:39.000 You're not going to hurt each other if you don't have to.

00:56:41.000 Like, when you get an arm bar or something, you back off before...

00:56:43.000 You know when a dude is got.

00:56:46.000 You know you don't hurt each other.

00:56:49.000 But you can trust people.

00:56:51.000 You can't trust a fucking horse.

00:56:52.000 You can't trust a horse.

00:56:54.000 If a horse just decides, fuck this, and just digs those legs in, you're done, son.

00:56:59.000 You're going to go flying.

00:57:01.000 You're on a giant, super powerful animal.

00:57:04.000 An animal that's so strong, it can run, like, what, 50 miles an hour with a person on its back?

00:57:10.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

00:57:12.000 You're going to go off like a pillow.

00:57:13.000 You're just going to go flying off.

00:57:15.000 You're not even going to believe how light you feel.

00:57:17.000 Well, that horse just stops and just throws his muscular fucking shoulders up into it.

00:57:23.000 You just launch like you're on a spring.

00:57:25.000 Head first, right into the dirt.

00:57:27.000 Snap!

00:57:27.000 I hear your neck snap.

00:57:28.000 But how cool would it be if none of us had cars, because gas went out and we all had to get horses.

00:57:33.000 We all had our own horse, and every time we hung out, we all had our horses together.

00:57:38.000 Dude, that's ridiculous.

00:57:39.000 Our horses could be friends with each other.

00:57:40.000 What if your horse breaks his leg?

00:57:41.000 You gotta shoot him in the head.

00:57:42.000 I know.

00:57:42.000 You don't think that's terrible?

00:57:43.000 No, but then we'd get a new horse.

00:57:44.000 Our two of our friends' horses would mate and have a baby horse.

00:57:47.000 It'd be cool just to have your own horse.

00:57:50.000 Where's Robin?

00:57:51.000 You definitely had one extra hit.

00:57:52.000 You should not have had that third hit.

00:57:54.000 I think it's cool.

00:57:55.000 I live in an equestrian district where everyone has horses.

00:57:58.000 It'd be nice if you were with the horse and you treated it very well from the time it was young so you had an awesome relationship with the horse.

00:58:04.000 But that's not always going to be the case.

00:58:06.000 And it's going to be like you go to a dog park with your dog.

00:58:08.000 There's always going to be some douchebag with this fucking dog that wants to bite everybody's dog.

00:58:13.000 You know?

00:58:13.000 And that's going to be what it's going to be like with horses, man.

00:58:15.000 You can't trust people to raise the horses correctly.

00:58:18.000 So you're going to have a bunch of horses out there that are douchebag horses.

00:58:21.000 They're going to get mad at your horses.

00:58:23.000 You're going to have douchebag horse gang wars.

00:58:25.000 I think it would be awesome.

00:58:27.000 This is the most ridiculous conversation we've ever had.

00:58:31.000 I think it would be awesome to have a horse!

00:58:33.000 What else, Brian?

00:58:34.000 Boy, I wish unicorns were real!

00:58:37.000 If you had money, what would you get?

00:58:39.000 I'd get a pony!

00:58:40.000 That's because I can't get a Pegasus!

00:58:42.000 What if we run out of oil?

00:58:43.000 We are going to run out of oil, man.

00:58:45.000 It's all in the fucking Gulf.

00:58:46.000 And we all go back to that.

00:58:47.000 That'd be crazy if we had to go back to horses.

00:58:49.000 It's really ridiculous how short a period of time.

00:58:51.000 I put this on my Twitter this week.

00:58:53.000 I was just thinking about it, how nutty it is that 200 years ago, the fastest way to get around was on the back of an animal.

00:58:59.000 Right.

00:58:59.000 200 years ago.

00:59:00.000 That's nothing.

00:59:01.000 It's so funny to think about that.

00:59:02.000 And there was no photographs.

00:59:03.000 The best way to get an image of someone was to draw them.

00:59:05.000 Yeah.

00:59:06.000 200 years ago.

00:59:07.000 That's nothing.

00:59:08.000 That's a blink in time.

00:59:10.000 Jesus Christ!

00:59:12.000 And it's all because of, you know, technology and oil, unfortunately.

00:59:16.000 It's all because of oil.

00:59:17.000 All the plastic, all the shit we use.

00:59:19.000 I mean, how much is oil, like, embedded into our life?

00:59:24.000 It's totally.

00:59:24.000 It's the main thing for almost all the wars.

00:59:26.000 For everything!

00:59:26.000 Religion and oil together.

00:59:28.000 Yeah, well, you know, there's people that believe that religion and oil are stuffed in together, you know, on purpose, just to make, you know, it easier to control the oil.

00:59:37.000 The idea that the CIA is involved and all these...

00:59:41.000 Secret shadow government organizations are involved in creating drama and turmoil so that we always have an enemy over there.

00:59:47.000 That's a very real theory.

00:59:48.000 If you talk to people who understand how the United States is involved in other countries and how we do sell arms to people like Iran and Iraq and we provide them with weapons and we play both sides of the fence.

01:00:01.000 We provide their enemy with shit too.

01:00:03.000 We create drama so we can go in there and clean it up.

01:00:08.000 We should find a way to make money off of religion and oil, combining the two, like Jesus oil.

01:00:14.000 I think they already have.

01:00:15.000 I mean, the people involved in the oil business are all the people that are supporting the conservative right.

01:00:19.000 But at this point, I think everybody's involved.

01:00:23.000 I don't think it's just the conservatives.

01:00:24.000 I don't think it's just the Republicans.

01:00:25.000 The Democrats are just as like...

01:00:27.000 I believe Obama was in favor of offshore drilling.

01:00:30.000 I think there was so much pressure that we need to relieve ourselves of the need for foreign oil that they were in support of it.

01:00:38.000 I think everybody was in support of it.

01:00:39.000 It seemed like a great idea.

01:00:41.000 I thought it was a good idea.

01:00:43.000 I'm like, if they don't spill that shit, and it doesn't seem like they do very often, I was like, well, hey, if they know what they're doing, that's the problem, if they know what they're doing.

01:00:50.000 So I was in favor of it, too, until I saw this, and I was like, okay, this is crazy.

01:00:53.000 I didn't know that this could happen.

01:00:55.000 I thought that if something breaks, you just shut it off.

01:00:58.000 I thought you have some sort of a fail-safe.

01:01:00.000 I can't believe they had no backup plan.

01:01:04.000 They don't know the exact estimate, but one of the estimates is 40,000.

01:01:07.000 They're talking about 40,000 gallons a day.

01:01:12.000 That's insane.

01:01:13.000 Yeah.

01:01:13.000 Think of how much oil that is.

01:01:15.000 Well, think how big the ocean is.

01:01:16.000 But I've heard hundreds of thousands.

01:01:18.000 I've heard a million gallons a day.

01:01:19.000 I've heard all these different...

01:01:20.000 I've heard 400,000.

01:01:21.000 But even if it's 1,000 gallons of oil a day, even that...

01:01:25.000 Have you seen the slick?

01:01:26.000 The slick is gigantic.

01:01:28.000 Pretty fucking great.

01:01:28.000 You can see it with a satellite.

01:01:29.000 I hate seeing the animals that they're cleaning off with sponges and stuff like that.

01:01:33.000 Well, one of the ways that people are describing it, they're saying that it could be apocalyptic.

01:01:37.000 That was the language that they used.

01:01:38.000 Apocalyptic.

01:01:40.000 Apocalyptic.

01:01:40.000 It just sells more t-shirts, Joe.

01:01:42.000 Is that what it is?

01:01:43.000 Yeah.

01:01:43.000 I don't know, dude.

01:01:44.000 It seems pretty...

01:01:45.000 We're looking at images right now, and you can't see because you're not here.

01:01:49.000 But the streak is jive-fucking-gantic.

01:01:52.000 Okay, 42,000 gallons of oil per day.

01:01:55.000 That's what these people are saying.

01:01:57.000 I mean, who knows if they're right.

01:01:58.000 Nobody's down there with a fucking measuring spoon.

01:02:01.000 Measuring spoon.

01:02:03.000 What the fuck am I even talking about?

01:02:06.000 Nobody's down there measuring for real.

01:02:08.000 But it is an insane amount of oil, and it's leaking out every day, and they don't know exactly how they're going to stop it.

01:02:15.000 And I heard someone last night, but this is a dude in jujitsu class, so who knows if he was telling me the truth.

01:02:21.000 He could have been just talking out of his ass.

01:02:23.000 But he was saying that they could stop the oil, but the way they would have to stop it is blow up the well.

01:02:28.000 They would have to blow it up, and if they did that, the oil would stop.

01:02:31.000 But then they'd be fucked because they don't want to do that because they have this well down there they want to protect, and they want to be able to turn it back on again eventually.

01:02:39.000 If that's true, that's insane.

01:02:40.000 If there really is a fix and all you have to do is blow it up and they're worried because this company wants to continue to pump oil out of there, number one is you've got to stop what you're doing.

01:02:51.000 You've got to stop all this oil coming out.

01:02:53.000 Did you build the well?

01:02:54.000 You built it, right?

01:02:55.000 You built it.

01:02:56.000 You're going to have to build a new one.

01:02:57.000 Okay?

01:02:57.000 You can't salvage the parts of this while it's bleeding oil into the ocean.

01:03:03.000 I mean, that's bananas.

01:03:04.000 Like, if there really is a fix, and the fix involves them destroying the whole thing, you've got to destroy the whole thing first, and then rebuild it.

01:03:10.000 I don't care how many years it takes to make one of those things.

01:03:12.000 That doesn't mean anything.

01:03:13.000 How many years is it going to take to clean up what the fuck you did?

01:03:16.000 Can't you just get a ship of cat litter and put it on it?

01:03:20.000 Isn't that what you do in the garage?

01:03:21.000 Yeah.

01:03:23.000 Imagine if it was that simple.

01:03:24.000 If cat litter just clung to it, and all you'd do is pour bags of it, and it would make these big, gelatinous cat litter and oil glob boulders that'd be sitting on the bottom of the ocean floor, and they would just scoop them up.

01:03:37.000 Scoop them up.

01:03:38.000 Scoop them up.

01:03:38.000 Like one of those cat...

01:03:41.000 It seems like more sense than what they're doing now.

01:03:44.000 They're not doing anything now.

01:03:46.000 They've tried to stop it.

01:03:47.000 They've cut it back a little bit, apparently, supposedly, from the most recent reports.

01:03:52.000 But as far as getting it stopped or even under control, they're not even close.

01:03:56.000 They could be a week away from doing something.

01:03:58.000 You know, they're talking about putting some kind of giant dome over it.

01:04:01.000 I mean, the whole thing is...

01:04:02.000 See, that's ridiculous.

01:04:03.000 Yeah, it's like a goddamn Superman movie.

01:04:05.000 If it works in the garage, it will work in the ocean.

01:04:06.000 It's fucking bananas.

01:04:08.000 The whole thing is bananas.

01:04:09.000 It's literally going to kill everything in that area.

01:04:12.000 I mean, there's...

01:04:13.000 The slick...

01:04:14.000 I mean, I'm looking at the images when they show them to you online, and it doesn't seem real.

01:04:18.000 Wow, that does seem crazy.

01:04:20.000 It does.

01:04:20.000 It literally doesn't seem real.

01:04:21.000 Look at this.

01:04:22.000 There's images.

01:04:23.000 If you go to earthobservatory.nasa.gov.

01:04:26.000 You know you could just throw that picture in the Ustream producer and show everybody right now.

01:04:30.000 I can?

01:04:31.000 Yeah.

01:04:31.000 How do I do that?

01:04:31.000 Save it on your desktop and then just throw it in there.

01:04:34.000 Goddamn, Brian.

01:04:35.000 You're so smart.

01:04:37.000 Boink.

01:04:38.000 Slick.

01:04:43.000 And I put that on my desktop.

01:04:48.000 And now I go to Ustream producer and I just drag that in.

01:04:51.000 This is not interesting at all for my friends that are listening online.

01:04:54.000 How do I do this?

01:04:56.000 I think you add picture, so it says picture, right there.

01:05:01.000 Open image file.

01:05:02.000 Open image file.

01:05:03.000 That's open video file.

01:05:04.000 I think you clicked on.

01:05:08.000 Open image file.

01:05:11.000 Let's go down to your desktop and move for slick.

01:05:19.000 So...

01:05:19.000 Here it is.

01:05:21.000 Let's see if this works, folks.

01:05:22.000 What we did is we just started...

01:05:23.000 Yeah, there we go.

01:05:24.000 We just started using this thing called Ustream Producer.

01:05:28.000 And the reason why, so now you can see these Ustream video podcasts on your iPhone and your iPad, you fucking junkies, you visual junkies.

01:05:37.000 But look at that goddamn slick, if you're looking at this on Ustream.

01:05:40.000 If you're not...

01:05:41.000 And you're on iTunes.

01:05:42.000 Check this out when you get home.

01:05:44.000 Go Google it.

01:05:45.000 Go to the NASA site.

01:05:46.000 And you see the size of this fucking oil slick on a satellite image.

01:05:51.000 And it's bananas.

01:05:52.000 It's really hard to grasp.

01:05:55.000 It's so big.

01:05:56.000 And it's just non-stop.

01:05:58.000 And they don't even have it under control.

01:06:00.000 And it's just pumping oil.

01:06:02.000 And I don't know how they're going to fix that shit.

01:06:05.000 I don't think they know either, man.

01:06:08.000 I don't think they know.

01:06:10.000 Yeah.

01:06:10.000 Like a live shot?

01:06:12.000 Yeah.

01:06:13.000 See now in the future you just keep...

01:06:15.000 That's pretty dope man.

01:06:16.000 Powerful producer software.

01:06:17.000 Powerful!

01:06:18.000 It's nice.

01:06:19.000 So, you know, until we get off fossil fuels, we're never going to be able to avoid catastrophes that happen when oil spills.

01:06:28.000 There was another one that just happened where in the Malacca Street, an oil tanker exploded.

01:06:36.000 And this was yesterday.

01:06:40.000 In Pekan Baru.

01:06:42.000 I don't know where that is.

01:06:44.000 A crude oil tanker was reported to have exploded.

01:06:46.000 Look, they fucking explode.

01:06:47.000 That shit's flammable, you know?

01:06:49.000 I mean, you can't get away from that.

01:06:52.000 We have to, you know, as a species, we have to get past that.

01:06:56.000 They have to figure out, these super-duper smart dudes, have to figure out some new way, you know?

01:07:01.000 Right now, it's so hard to do that because...

01:07:03.000 Their system is so oil-based and it works so well, you know?

01:07:07.000 I mean, think about how much we travel.

01:07:09.000 Think about everything you do basically is involved in going somewhere and burning fuel, you know?

01:07:14.000 I'm home for a few days, you know?

01:07:17.000 I'm home, I'm here.

01:07:18.000 I mean, sometimes I never leave my house at all for a few days.

01:07:21.000 But there's still like...

01:07:23.000 I'm fucking using electricity.

01:07:25.000 You're constantly using things that are made of plastic.

01:07:28.000 You're constantly consuming things that people produce from oil.

01:07:33.000 And I don't see that changing.

01:07:35.000 How the fuck is that going to change?

01:07:37.000 We would have to come up with a new way to restructure the whole society.

01:07:41.000 So there would have to be some sort of a reason to do that.

01:07:43.000 To get away from the oil, there would have to be some drastic reason.

01:07:46.000 It would have to be like a cataclysm.

01:07:48.000 It would literally have to be something that resets society and causes us to start from scratch.

01:07:53.000 Because unless we run out, we're not going to pay attention until we run out.

01:07:59.000 It's going to be like, oh shit, we're out.

01:08:01.000 Fuck, now we do.

01:08:02.000 Literally, they're not protecting us and giving us a nice safety net so society can progress easily from here until then.

01:08:09.000 It's not hemp.

01:08:12.000 Hemp!

01:08:13.000 Yeah, potheads always think that.

01:08:15.000 It's hemp, man!

01:08:16.000 It's fucking pot, man!

01:08:19.000 Maybe it would help.

01:08:21.000 But that's not going to fix everything.

01:08:24.000 It's not going to fix everything.

01:08:27.000 We've got to do something.

01:08:28.000 This oil thing does not work.

01:08:32.000 There's a lot of weird arguments about what oil actually is, and some people believe that oil is some sort of a natural substance created by the earth.

01:08:40.000 There's a whole book I got on it called Black Gold Stranglehold.

01:08:43.000 I haven't bothered to research online to find out if it's been totally disproven or whether it's bullshit.

01:08:48.000 But this guy's argument is that the oil isn't fossil fuels.

01:08:52.000 It's not really like plankton or dead plants or shit like that.

01:08:56.000 Like what people assume that it is.

01:08:57.000 Millions of years of that.

01:08:58.000 But with a finite amount left in the earth.

01:09:00.000 But actually it's some sort of a natural fluid that's produced by the earth.

01:09:05.000 And if that's the truth...

01:09:06.000 If he's right, and he's probably not right, but if he is right, that's like the blood of the world.

01:09:12.000 We're like little vampire bugs sucking off the blood of the world.

01:09:16.000 That's too trippy, man.

01:09:18.000 Even if fossil fuels, even if it's not that, even if it is the decay of things that have existed on this earth and were consumed by death and decayed and created this substance that we use now, even if that's the case, then it's like the shit of the earth.

01:09:36.000 Then it's like we're sucking the shit of the earth out.

01:09:39.000 Well, either way, it's like we're sucking something out that's a part of some sort of a natural cycle.

01:09:44.000 You know, it's all supposed to be in there.

01:09:46.000 It's like, it's like literally like, we're like fucking mosquitoes, man.

01:09:51.000 We really are, right?

01:09:52.000 Like in the earth is us.

01:09:54.000 Yeah, the earth is us and we're ticks.

01:09:56.000 We're ticks sucking off the blood and the most progress that we've ever had in the history of our race was when we started sucking off the blood of the earth.

01:10:04.000 When we started cannibalizing Mother Gaia, when we started eating our mother, that's when everything started going awesome.

01:10:12.000 That's when they created cars and computers and Cell phones and, you know, Google Voice in your pocket.

01:10:18.000 All that shit is all because that we have this oil.

01:10:21.000 Because we have figured out a way to make shit out of oil.

01:10:24.000 And we can transport shit with oil.

01:10:25.000 We can get planes to fly using oil.

01:10:28.000 I mean, it's fucking bananas.

01:10:30.000 What a crazy society.

01:10:32.000 One thing comes along.

01:10:34.000 Combustion engines figuring out how to use oil for plastic, for fuel, for all these different things.

01:10:39.000 And everything just goes bananas.

01:10:44.000 And then the question is, what's next?

01:10:46.000 Have you heard about the SmartDust shit?

01:10:48.000 Yeah.

01:10:49.000 Cliffy B. Cliffy B. Our friend Cliffy B. over at Epic Games sent me this.

01:10:53.000 You're going to have to Google this.

01:10:54.000 You've got to Google up SmartDust.

01:10:56.000 This is the most bizarre thing that I think I have ever heard in my fucking life.

01:11:03.000 These are...

01:11:04.000 Listen to this.

01:11:05.000 These are wireless devices that are the size of grains of sand.

01:11:11.000 Inside these wireless devices the size of grains of sand, they have the ability to transmit wirelessly.

01:11:16.000 They have a power source.

01:11:18.000 They have the ability to receive and send data.

01:11:22.000 They have the ability to take images.

01:11:26.000 It's the size of a fucking grain of sand.

01:11:28.000 What website?

01:11:29.000 CNN? This is on CNN. Wow.

01:11:31.000 It is fucking bananas.

01:11:33.000 And they're literally talking about this being, this smart dust, being a real world web.

01:11:40.000 And the idea is that wireless sensors, that you can use these wireless sensors to monitor everything all over the world all the time.

01:11:48.000 Like literally, there will be no privacy.

01:11:50.000 So don't you think this smart desk probably would already have existed?

01:11:54.000 If this was true stuff, it's probably already here.

01:11:57.000 Well, it is true stuff.

01:11:57.000 It's probably in our room right now.

01:11:58.000 You mean you think they've already been using it and they're just telling us about it now?

01:12:01.000 Yeah, because wouldn't they use it first and then tell everyone?

01:12:03.000 I think science is pretty easy to track.

01:12:05.000 I think it's pretty easy to track up to a certain point what people are capable of.

01:12:12.000 I don't know if the guys who make the most money, the top scientists, who they're incorporated by.

01:12:17.000 I'm not familiar with the scientific world, so I don't know if they get recruited by big corporations or if they get recruited by the government.

01:12:23.000 Who gets all the best scientists?

01:12:24.000 Who gets all the crazy genius dudes?

01:12:27.000 Money.

01:12:27.000 Money does, right?

01:12:28.000 Well, this thing is a really bananas fucking project.

01:12:33.000 It's really hard to explain how crazy this is.

01:12:36.000 There's a company called Streetline that's installed 12,000 sensors on parking spots and highways in San Francisco.

01:12:42.000 And the sensors, what they know is whether or not there's a car in that spot.

01:12:46.000 And what they're going to do is they're going to figure out a way to give you data.

01:12:48.000 So say if you're, you know, I'm going, you know, 16th Street and Fairbanks.

01:12:52.000 You know, I need a parking spot.

01:12:53.000 Is there any available?

01:12:54.000 Yes, there's one right here.

01:12:55.000 Go get it.

01:12:55.000 And they'll tell you whether or not there's traffic headed to that parking spot.

01:12:59.000 Traffic's clear.

01:13:00.000 No cars nearby.

01:13:01.000 Like, you can fucking go there.

01:13:02.000 They'll tell you where the traffic is.

01:13:04.000 Like, the sensors on the street will be able to pick up traffic.

01:13:07.000 And they'll know what speed it's moving at.

01:13:10.000 There's going to be no more speeding, son.

01:13:11.000 They're going to be able to know who you are and how fast you're going all the time.

01:13:16.000 Like, that's real.

01:13:17.000 That's going to suck.

01:13:19.000 That's going to fucking suck.

01:13:20.000 So there's not going to be any sports cars?

01:13:22.000 No sports cars.

01:13:23.000 You're going to have to turn into shit and get some slow-ass...

01:13:25.000 You're going to have to only have horses.

01:13:28.000 You and the horses, man.

01:13:29.000 Because horses, you can't...

01:13:30.000 It's not ethical to put the sensors in them.

01:13:32.000 Yeah, you can't...

01:13:32.000 Who cares about speeding on horses?

01:13:34.000 Well, the sensors are going to be in the streets, so they'll be able to tell you that your horse is going too fast.

01:13:38.000 There was no speed limits when people had horses, right?

01:13:40.000 I don't think so, man.

01:13:40.000 It was actually better to go as fast as you could.

01:13:43.000 You had the best horse.

01:13:43.000 As fast as you could, you probably had the best horse.

01:13:45.000 But if you fell as fast as you could, maybe you should take it easy and just play it safe.

01:13:49.000 That's why you have leather shit on.

01:13:50.000 Well, that shit's not going to help you when you land on your fucking head on a cobblestone street because the horse slips because you saw a rat.

01:13:56.000 Censors to protect us.

01:13:57.000 The horse freaks out, man.

01:13:58.000 Sees a fucking raccoon and you go flying.

01:14:00.000 Smash your head on the curb.

01:14:01.000 That's it.

01:14:03.000 Horses.

01:14:04.000 Fuck oil.

01:14:05.000 Well, this real world web that they are trying to create is one of the strangest inventions that I think I've ever heard about.

01:14:14.000 I did not know that they were this far along.

01:14:18.000 I mean, these smart dust sensors can be relatively small and portable.

01:14:22.000 What they're talking about with this is that they're going to have trillions of these things all over the world.

01:14:29.000 I mean, this is the idea behind it.

01:14:32.000 Is this even possible, though, or is this just theories?

01:14:34.000 Heward-Packard's involved, and they're calling it the central nervous system for the Earth.

01:14:39.000 In the coming years, the company plans to deploy a trillion sensors all over the planet.

01:14:46.000 What?

01:14:46.000 How bananas is it?

01:14:47.000 First of all, how bananas is it that someone's letting them do that?

01:14:50.000 Like, you're going to do what?

01:14:51.000 Like, can't we vote on this before you put censors all over the fucking earth?

01:14:53.000 Yeah, why can't we vote on this?

01:14:55.000 It seems like we have to vote on this.

01:14:56.000 Jesus Christ.

01:14:57.000 You know, there will be no privacy.

01:14:59.000 There will be no privacy.

01:15:00.000 It will be impossible.

01:15:01.000 Someone will be able to detect everything.

01:15:03.000 This can't happen because then, if it's like this, then we can put censors in the White House.

01:15:07.000 Yes, it can.

01:15:08.000 Yes, it can.

01:15:09.000 Dude, I've been saying for a long time that I believe that the next stage of human beings is going to be the no secret stage.

01:15:17.000 There's going to be some, I mean, it's going to be eventually, it's going to get to the point where we can see each other's thoughts and we can communicate with each other and read each other's minds and memories and ideas and we get each other's ideas directly from each other.

01:15:27.000 That's the next stage.

01:15:29.000 But it's not going to go directly to that.

01:15:30.000 It's going to take a little pit stop along the way.

01:15:33.000 And the pit stop it's going to take along the way is no more privacy.

01:15:36.000 That's step number one.

01:15:37.000 Before the interface, before human beings are allowed to interface with each other, before we're allowed to become one gigantic wireless mind.

01:15:46.000 And that's possible and probable.

01:15:49.000 I think that's the future.

01:15:50.000 I think there's going to be some sort of a neural connection that allows everybody to connect with everybody.

01:15:54.000 But before that happens, they're going to have to come up with something like this.

01:15:57.000 Before that happens, there's going to be an intermediate step.

01:16:00.000 And an intermediate step will be no more privacy.

01:16:02.000 You're going to be able to watch people fuck.

01:16:03.000 You're going to be able to see everything all the time.

01:16:06.000 Maybe we're looking at the negative part of this.

01:16:08.000 I don't think it's negative.

01:16:08.000 Now we can see people fuck.

01:16:11.000 I could fucking watch you.

01:16:12.000 Yeah, but I can watch you fuck.

01:16:13.000 Not with my neuroblocker I'm going to make.

01:16:16.000 I'm going to make my neuroblocker.

01:16:17.000 No, I got the latest shit, yo.

01:16:19.000 That's the problem.

01:16:20.000 Everybody's going to have the latest shit.

01:16:22.000 It's going to be like computer viruses.

01:16:23.000 You're going to have to always be one step up.

01:16:25.000 Do you know there's something like fucking 4,000 new computers, or was it 4 or 40?

01:16:29.000 How many computer viruses are created a day?

01:16:31.000 But it's some fucking crazy number.

01:16:34.000 I almost said bananas again, which would have been annoying, but I caught myself.

01:16:39.000 Think about how crazy that is.

01:16:41.000 They're going to get to a point where, I mean, how many is that?

01:16:45.000 42?

01:16:47.000 How many are out there?

01:16:49.000 Who gives a fuck?

01:16:50.000 Our point is, ladies and gentlemen, that our privacy is slowly going away.

01:16:56.000 And I think that that is a part of the natural evolution of the human race.

01:17:01.000 I think that the human race is evolving to something that is no longer going to deal with embarrassment.

01:17:06.000 We're going to have a different set of needs.

01:17:09.000 Because our environment has changed so radically...

01:17:12.000 From what our physical biology is coded for, that it's forcing this sort of an evolution.

01:17:18.000 Technology is forcing us to evolve socially as it is evolving technologically.

01:17:25.000 As they come up with crazy and crazier shit that dissolves boundaries more and more, we're forced to play catch up.

01:17:31.000 And that's what's going to happen.

01:17:32.000 If we get to a point where there's no more privacy, then we're going to realize how ridiculous privacy is in the first place.

01:17:38.000 We're going to realize how ridiculous embarrassment is and shame is and all this stupid shit.

01:17:43.000 Like my daughter never wants to admit when she's shitting.

01:17:46.000 She's fucking two.

01:17:47.000 She never wants to admit it.

01:17:48.000 You poop?

01:17:48.000 Nope.

01:17:49.000 She'll shake her head no.

01:17:51.000 Making shit faces.

01:17:53.000 She doesn't want you to touch her.

01:17:54.000 They get embarrassed.

01:17:55.000 It's almost a natural coding in our system.

01:17:58.000 And I think eventually all that stuff is going to deteriorate.

01:18:01.000 I think it's going to dissolve.

01:18:02.000 It's going to be crushed by innovation.

01:18:04.000 I think that's what's going to force us to catch up.

01:18:07.000 Because it's like the things that we accept as part of our normal culture and the way we behave, a lot of it is just what we get used to.

01:18:15.000 I mean, think about the shit that people get used to in other countries.

01:18:18.000 Think about the cultures and the weird traditions that people have been a part of throughout history.

01:18:23.000 Amish people and people who have plates in their lips and nutty motherfuckers who do all kinds of different rituals all over the world.

01:18:31.000 It's all what you get used to.

01:18:33.000 We're just used to privacy.

01:18:35.000 We're used to it.

01:18:36.000 It's not necessary.

01:18:38.000 It's going to be more important for us to get rid of douchebags.

01:18:41.000 It's going to be more important for us to realize the importance of educating human beings and raising human beings that think correctly and to be responsible for the human beings you create and raise.

01:18:52.000 You're responsible for your fucking dog biting something, but you're not responsible for your son becoming a mass murderer.

01:19:00.000 Then it's just, oh, he got crazy.

01:19:01.000 I don't know what happened.

01:19:03.000 If your son kicks someone's ass and does a bad thing to someone and breaks their property...

01:19:08.000 You can get sued.

01:19:09.000 And you will have to pay for that kid's medical expenses.

01:19:12.000 But if your son is some fucking mass murderer, what are they going to do?

01:19:16.000 Are they going to sue you?

01:19:16.000 What are they going to do?

01:19:17.000 Maybe.

01:19:18.000 They don't even put you in jail.

01:19:19.000 You should go to fucking jail.

01:19:21.000 You made a monster.

01:19:22.000 You made someone who likes to kill hookers.

01:19:25.000 How did that happen?

01:19:26.000 Oh, it just happened.

01:19:27.000 We don't even know.

01:19:28.000 The fuck you don't know?

01:19:29.000 You did something terrible.

01:19:31.000 You were so shitty at raising a human being that you raised a human being that likes to kill and eat other human beings.

01:19:38.000 But sometimes that's totally just nothing to do with parenting.

01:19:41.000 I don't believe that.

01:19:41.000 You don't?

01:19:42.000 No.

01:19:42.000 So you think...

01:19:43.000 I think there are some things that happen to people genetically.

01:19:47.000 I certainly think...

01:19:48.000 So what do you think?

01:19:48.000 That's gay people, right?

01:19:49.000 But I think you should be able to recognize that.

01:19:50.000 Yeah, but that's not...

01:19:51.000 How are you connecting gay people to serial killers?

01:19:53.000 Because that's something that they're not trained to do.

01:19:57.000 That's just a deviation in sexual desires.

01:20:01.000 That's just how your brain thinks.

01:20:03.000 Some people's eyes are blue, some people's eyes are brown.

01:20:06.000 That's just wires get crossed.

01:20:08.000 This person likes to suck dicks, this person likes to stab somebody.

01:20:11.000 I don't know about that, man.

01:20:14.000 Sociopaths, they're not exactly sure where that comes from.

01:20:17.000 And it's not necessarily that every serial killer is a sociopath.

01:20:20.000 Some people are just obsessed and insane and broken and they have a lot of other issues.

01:20:24.000 But they think that there's a lot more sociopaths, people that don't care about other people's feelings, a lot more than you think.

01:20:32.000 And they don't know, though, whether it comes from nature or nurture.

01:20:35.000 They don't really know.

01:20:36.000 It's just a lot of speculation.

01:20:37.000 Like, your dad molasses you, you stab somebody.

01:20:40.000 Or your dad lets you watch horror movies.

01:20:43.000 No, it's not watching horror movies.

01:20:45.000 If anything, it's been proven that watching horror movies and playing video games is a release.

01:20:49.000 According to Todd Hollingshead from id Software, he and I were having a conversation about this the other night, where he was saying that violence among kids has gone down since popularity in video games and violent video games has gone up.

01:21:01.000 That it has sort of a cathartic release sort of a thing.

01:21:03.000 That's what they believe in Japan, too.

01:21:05.000 I think it's turning us into superhumans.

01:21:07.000 I think there's better driving from video games.

01:21:10.000 The other day, the world record for sniper shooting.

01:21:13.000 A guy shot somebody a mile and a half away.

01:21:17.000 And you think that's from video games?

01:21:19.000 I think video games' hand-to-eye coordination is off the fucking hook.

01:21:23.000 If you think about it, how much it is...

01:21:27.000 For people that play video games all day, it's all about hand-to-eye coordination.

01:21:30.000 That is true.

01:21:32.000 You know, shit like that.

01:21:33.000 What's amazing is that they use the same controller for the Xbox for those drones.

01:21:37.000 Yeah.

01:21:37.000 They use the Xbox controls and PlayStation controllers.

01:21:40.000 There you go.

01:21:40.000 They're used to doing that.

01:21:42.000 Right.

01:21:42.000 I wonder if they allow them to choose.

01:21:44.000 If, you know, they get to the army, a guy's like, can you do PlayStation?

01:21:46.000 I'm more of an Xbox sort of a guy.

01:21:48.000 You know, you think they do that?

01:21:49.000 They have different...

01:21:50.000 Well, we only do Wii remotes.

01:21:51.000 Xbox to me is like, you know, it's like Marvel versus DC. Right.

01:21:54.000 It's never a DC kind of a guy like Marvel.

01:21:56.000 Right.

01:21:57.000 Right.

01:21:57.000 You know, fucking PS3. Fuck your PlayStation.

01:22:00.000 Those are faggy.

01:22:01.000 Sure, there must be dudes like that out there.

01:22:03.000 Totally.

01:22:03.000 They go into the army but say, man, I was pissed off.

01:22:05.000 I had to play with a PlayStation.

01:22:06.000 I had to kill people with a PlayStation remote.

01:22:09.000 You know, they're mad.

01:22:10.000 I wanted to represent Xbox for my country.

01:22:12.000 Yeah.

01:22:14.000 The Navy is all Wii, Nintendo Wii.

01:22:16.000 Yeah, they're all bowling and shit.

01:22:18.000 Just kidding.

01:22:19.000 But they do pilot those drones with the same controllers, which is really crazy.

01:22:25.000 When I first heard that, that they do that, I was like, that is genius.

01:22:29.000 Makes sense.

01:22:30.000 I mean, why not?

01:22:30.000 These kids, they grow up and they're so goddamn coordinated with that shit.

01:22:33.000 If you wanted someone to be awesome at killing people with remote controlled devices, who the fuck would you get besides them?

01:22:38.000 They're the masters.

01:22:39.000 In the army, they use video games for going into cities and stuff.

01:22:44.000 They have Call of Duty shit.

01:22:46.000 Dude, it's crazy.

01:22:48.000 If you really watch some young kids that are badass video game players, I got a chance to watch this dude named Fatality.

01:22:56.000 Jonathan Wendell, I think is his name.

01:22:58.000 I met him in Vegas too.

01:22:59.000 too.

01:23:00.000 He's a really cool guy.

01:23:00.000 He's a UFC fan.

01:23:01.000 I met him at one of the UFCs.

01:23:02.000 And he lives in Vegas.

01:23:05.000 And this dude is the number one, he was at least at one point in time, the number one Quake player in the world.

01:23:10.000 And I got to see him play live once.

01:23:12.000 It was at E3, the big electronics thing in the conference or whatever the fuck it is, convention in Los Angeles.

01:23:18.000 And I got to see him play Quake live.

01:23:20.000 It was ridiculous.

01:23:21.000 It was ridiculous.

01:23:22.000 Quake is like fast twitch muscle fibers.

01:23:24.000 It's all like what Quake is if you've never played Quake before and good for you because that shit will a dick the fuck out of you.

01:23:31.000 That shit ate up years of my life.

01:23:34.000 It's an awesome game.

01:23:35.000 And you're in this three-dimensional world.

01:23:36.000 It's a first-person shooter.

01:23:37.000 So you're holding a rifle or a rocket launcher or something.

01:23:40.000 And you're running through these really complicated three-dimensional mazes.

01:23:43.000 And you're fighting other people in near real time.

01:23:46.000 And it is real time if you hook the two computers up and you play against each other.

01:23:49.000 It's so fucking fun.

01:23:52.000 It's so fun.

01:23:53.000 It's so crazy.

01:23:54.000 It's fucking bananas.

01:23:55.000 I almost said bananas again.

01:23:57.000 God damn it.

01:23:58.000 Rockets are flying and rail guns and you're electrocuting dudes with a light gun, lightning gun, lightning bolt gun.

01:24:04.000 So much goddamn fun.

01:24:05.000 I watched this dude play this guy live, like he played like Challengers, like people would step up and play him.

01:24:10.000 It was the most ridiculous rape you've ever seen in your life.

01:24:13.000 It would be like Brock Lesnar fighting my cat.

01:24:16.000 That's what it was like.

01:24:17.000 I mean, these guys would just get destroyed.

01:24:19.000 And you watch this guy's hand-eye coordination and you're like, man...

01:24:23.000 That's incredible.

01:24:24.000 To get that good at one specific type of game to get locked in, you know, that's totally applicable for, like, warfare, right?

01:24:33.000 Fuck.

01:24:35.000 We're learning how to kill people with video games.

01:24:37.000 It's like that Starfighter movie.

01:24:38.000 Remember that movie?

01:24:39.000 Where they went and they put a game out to see who would be awesome at the game.

01:24:43.000 Remember War Games?

01:24:44.000 It was all based off a video game or something like that that was going to cut into the world.

01:24:49.000 Yeah, Matthew Broderick was a hacker.

01:24:50.000 See, that's a movie you can't watch nowadays because that's just gay.

01:24:54.000 If you watch that, you're like, this is the most unbelievable bullshit ever.

01:24:57.000 I watched Aliens the other day.

01:24:58.000 When I was watching Aliens, they had the scene where he was talking to the computer, and the computer's like old-ass text.

01:25:04.000 They haven't even figured out a graphic user interface back then.

01:25:08.000 There was no idea that that would ever take place.

01:25:11.000 Computers were all lights all around you for no reason.

01:25:13.000 Everything was all lit up and big and stupid.

01:25:15.000 It's like, oh, that's your computer?

01:25:17.000 How ridiculous is that?

01:25:19.000 It's like Star Trek.

01:25:20.000 It's just...

01:25:21.000 Yeah, so who knows what the fuck is ever going to happen with this smart dust shit, but, you know, I find it amazing that this is something that's on, you know, CNN labs on...

01:25:32.000 You know, on the internet, but I'm not hearing about this anywhere.

01:25:37.000 Is anybody hearing about this?

01:25:38.000 Was that published April 1st, by the way?

01:25:41.000 Was it?

01:25:43.000 No, May 3rd.

01:25:44.000 How dare you.

01:25:44.000 No, I was just double checking.

01:25:45.000 It just seems ridiculous.

01:25:46.000 No, it was yesterday.

01:25:47.000 It does seem ridiculous, but it was yesterday.

01:25:49.000 So this is a real project, a real thing.

01:25:52.000 I mean, if that's really happening right now, I mean, are they going to let us know when it goes live?

01:25:58.000 I just don't see how, like, the government's allowing that.

01:26:02.000 Dude, they're just doing it.

01:26:03.000 There's no precedent.

01:26:05.000 It's like Google Maps.

01:26:07.000 I mean, they're doing some nutty shit, man.

01:26:09.000 They're just, I mean, Google Maps actually has gotten in trouble for a few things.

01:26:12.000 There has been some disputes about what they are.

01:26:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:15.000 The whole city's not allowed to be allowed on that.

01:26:17.000 But what these guys are doing is, you know, I think they probably feel like they're just creating a network, you know?

01:26:25.000 I don't know.

01:26:26.000 Maybe they're exaggerating the capabilities.

01:26:28.000 Maybe there's some dispute about what's going to be possible and what's not going to be.

01:26:32.000 But the bottom line is they're not going to stop here.

01:26:34.000 They're not going to stop with this.

01:26:36.000 If this is something they're creating in 2010, what the fuck are they going to have in 2020?

01:26:40.000 What are they going to have in 2030?

01:26:42.000 There's going to be some nutty shit, son.

01:26:45.000 It's getting fucking crazy.

01:26:48.000 Or it's like us talking about 10 years ago and nothing really, like, oh, we don't have VCRs anymore, we have Blu-ray.

01:26:53.000 A lot of things have changed.

01:26:54.000 You don't think a lot of things have changed in 10 years?

01:26:56.000 Yeah, to a point, but then you also think like, you know.

01:26:59.000 On the high end level, not the high end, but the higher end of technology, things have changed drastically.

01:27:04.000 Like with the Large Hadron Collider and those guys in, where is it, I think it's in Massachusetts that are trying to recreate a sun.

01:27:10.000 They're trying to figure out how to make a fucking sun?

01:27:13.000 What is that about?

01:27:14.000 I don't even know the exact specifics of that case.

01:27:20.000 I'll look it up.

01:27:21.000 Scientists trying to create sun.

01:27:24.000 So, UFC coming up.

01:27:27.000 That's crazy that he injured his shoulder.

01:27:29.000 That's not UFC. That was another one.

01:27:32.000 That's the future one.

01:27:33.000 I think he was on the undercard of Rashad Evans, I think.

01:27:37.000 I don't know, to be honest with you.

01:27:39.000 Yeah.

01:27:40.000 Nuclear fusion scientists attempt to create artificial sun on Earth.

01:27:47.000 Oh, nothing's going to happen wrong there.

01:27:49.000 That's definitely going to be fine.

01:27:52.000 They're going to make a fucking sun.

01:27:53.000 We're going to have little portable suns that exist all around the Earth, and that's where we're going to get all our energy from.

01:27:58.000 That would be pretty sweet, though.

01:27:58.000 You know?

01:27:58.000 Yeah, unless it blows up like the fucking oil tanker.

01:28:00.000 No, what if you have your own portable sun that just followed you around and kept you warm?

01:28:04.000 Yeah, unless it blows up like the fucking oil tanker.

01:28:06.000 Could you imagine?

01:28:08.000 Yeah.

01:28:09.000 Why do you always look at the bright side of things?

01:28:11.000 Why do you always look at the bad side of things?

01:28:13.000 Together we work out.

01:28:14.000 We're like the odd couple.

01:28:16.000 We're like Tom and Jerry.

01:28:18.000 There's two things on the shoulder, like the devil and the angel.

01:28:20.000 Tom and Jerry.

01:28:21.000 That's Animal House, son.

01:28:22.000 Remember Animal House?

01:28:23.000 Yeah, it's on everything, I guess.

01:28:25.000 Yeah, it's been on a million things.

01:28:26.000 There was a comic that used to do an act like that.

01:28:28.000 Norm Macdonald was making fun of him, remember?

01:28:30.000 Oh, yeah.

01:28:30.000 Remember?

01:28:31.000 He had like a logical left brain, right brain.

01:28:36.000 So, look, we don't know what the fuck is really happening with the smart dust, but you've got to read it.

01:28:42.000 Can you imagine snorting?

01:28:45.000 People are going to find a way to take his snort and get high off of it.

01:28:51.000 I got high off the smart dust, dude.

01:28:53.000 The HP shit?

01:28:54.000 Yeah.

01:28:55.000 This is hilarious.

01:28:57.000 Despite these differences, researchers say the smart dust theory that monitoring everything will benefit humanity remains essentially unchanged.

01:29:06.000 They believe that this will benefit humanity to monitor everything.

01:29:11.000 Maybe.

01:29:12.000 I think they might be right.

01:29:14.000 I think we might have to accept the fact that technology is going to keep moving forward.

01:29:18.000 And if technology keeps moving forward, what is the end result?

01:29:21.000 What's going to be the end of the rainbow?

01:29:23.000 Is there a singularity, as Ray Kurzweil would say, or Terrence McKenna said, time wave zero.

01:29:30.000 Is there a moment of ultimate novelty?

01:29:33.000 A moment where they create something that's so fucking crazy that it changes everything.

01:29:37.000 This is probably the beginning, man.

01:29:39.000 This smart dust shit is probably the fucking beginning.

01:29:42.000 Google is probably the beginning.

01:29:43.000 Yeah, Google is a part of it, man.

01:29:46.000 That browser, that Chrome browser, is fucking amazing.

01:29:49.000 It's my favorite browser by far.

01:29:50.000 So this nuclear fusion thing, these scientists trying to create this actual artificial sun, or a natural sun, I guess, would actually be a sun.

01:30:00.000 I mean, it's made out of the same elements that a star is made out of, right?

01:30:03.000 I mean, if it's a sun, it's a sun.

01:30:05.000 It's not like a fake tit, right?

01:30:07.000 Maybe.

01:30:07.000 It's the fucking sun.

01:30:09.000 Well, maybe they're just throwing that name sun around.

01:30:11.000 Maybe it's just a really hot light bulb.

01:30:13.000 Yeah.

01:30:15.000 It just seems...

01:30:16.000 Wait, wait, wait.

01:30:16.000 What's the sun?

01:30:17.000 It's a planet.

01:30:17.000 It's in The Telegraph.

01:30:19.000 If you want to look it up, it's in TheTelegraph.uk as of yesterday.

01:30:24.000 Oh no.

01:30:26.000 Okay, no.

01:30:26.000 It says it was published in 2008. 2008. Alright, there's a hoax.

01:30:32.000 So I think they're moving...

01:30:33.000 No, it's not a hoax, dude.

01:30:34.000 They're moving...

01:30:35.000 Oh my god, look at it.

01:30:36.000 There it is right there.

01:30:37.000 Jesus Christ.

01:30:38.000 This image of this thing is like a fucking X-Men.

01:30:40.000 Inside the target chamber where scientists will attempt to create an artificial sun.

01:30:44.000 What the fuck, man?

01:30:46.000 Yeah, but what's the latest update?

01:30:48.000 I don't know.

01:30:48.000 Research shows that these two guys are just smoking a lot of weed.

01:30:52.000 Yeah.

01:30:54.000 The sun didn't exist.

01:30:56.000 They just made it in paintbrush.

01:30:58.000 It's pretty fascinating when you listen to it.

01:31:00.000 While it seemed an impossible goal for nearly a hundred years, scientists now believe they are on the brink of cracking one of the biggest problems in physics by harnessing the power of nuclear fusion, the reaction that burns at the heart of the sun.

01:31:14.000 They really think they can do this.

01:31:17.000 Wow.

01:31:19.000 Are people allowed to have the ingredients to make a sun?

01:31:25.000 It seems like you shouldn't be allowed to have the ingredients to make suns.

01:31:29.000 Look, the Manhattan Project basically harnessed the power of a sun.

01:31:34.000 That's what nuclear energy is, right?

01:31:36.000 Right.

01:31:37.000 So you're not allowed to buy weed, but you're allowed to make nuclear explosions.

01:31:45.000 Yeah, this is sort of an older story, it seems like.

01:31:47.000 I'm finding it from 2008 with no updates.

01:31:51.000 Find one of the scientists' names, and then just Google that guy's name, and then under more options in Google, put the last month.

01:32:00.000 Yeah, it seems like December 27, 2008 is when the...

01:32:03.000 No, here's 2009 again.

01:32:05.000 Uh-oh.

01:32:06.000 Oh, they're trying to make it in 2018. That's when they believe it'll be gone.

01:32:10.000 But the bottom line is some shit is fucking happening.

01:32:13.000 That's the bottom line.

01:32:14.000 These...

01:32:14.000 While we think about Tiger Woods and...

01:32:17.000 You know, did you hear the new show they're putting together?

01:32:19.000 Mm-mm.

01:32:20.000 They're trying to put together a show where Tiger Woods mistresses are going to get together with Jesse James mistresses and they're going to search for love.

01:32:29.000 They're going to have a game show.

01:32:30.000 Are you serious?

01:32:31.000 What did you hear?

01:32:32.000 They're making a porno out of the one main porn star that supposedly fucked with Tiger Woods.

01:32:37.000 She's making a porno with Tiger Woods lookalikes.

01:32:40.000 You could make real shows with all those girls and people would tune in every week.

01:32:45.000 You could just put them as a cast.

01:32:48.000 That's what they should do.

01:32:48.000 Any scandal that comes out, they should take the cast members and put them as a cast on other shows.

01:32:55.000 They'll start out with...

01:32:57.000 You put them on The Apprentice.

01:33:00.000 See if you can figure out a way to make a business.

01:33:02.000 Now you don't have any more money coming from Tiger.

01:33:05.000 You've got to figure out what you're going to do.

01:33:06.000 You're going to have to make money.

01:33:07.000 And you're in the public eye, so let's put you on TV. So they get on The Apprentice and they try to figure out if they can start a business.

01:33:11.000 Well, that's no good.

01:33:12.000 Well, I always wanted to be a singer.

01:33:14.000 Okay, American Idol.

01:33:15.000 You put them all, the whole American Idol, the whole season, Tiger's Mistresses.

01:33:20.000 Well, you can't sing.

01:33:21.000 Can you dance?

01:33:21.000 And put them on Dancing with the Stars.

01:33:23.000 The whole season.

01:33:24.000 Tigers and Mistresses on Dancing with the Stars.

01:33:27.000 I mean, how many more of these stupid stories can we have?

01:33:33.000 While nutty shit is going on, like people trying to create suns, and these little tiny sensors that go over the world.

01:33:39.000 How many people are aware of this smart dust stuff?

01:33:43.000 This should be a huge fucking story.

01:33:46.000 This should be something that makes everybody's jaw drop where you step back and go, what are they going to do?

01:33:50.000 They're going to monitor everything.

01:33:52.000 What does that mean?

01:33:54.000 What exactly does that mean?

01:33:55.000 Is it going to start with just little bits of information like there's a person in this area?

01:34:00.000 Is it going to eventually get to a point where they can have your image and you can see everything everywhere?

01:34:05.000 And eventually, are they going to get to a point where you're going to be able to tap into that shit with your fucking brain?

01:34:09.000 It just seems like there should be voting before this would ever happen, for real.

01:34:12.000 But there's not.

01:34:13.000 There's no voting on whether or not we go to Afghanistan.

01:34:15.000 You vote a president in, and then the president gets to decide all sorts of fucked up shit that nobody wants.

01:34:21.000 If you allowed the American people to decide, 90% of the shit we got involved in would never happen.

01:34:26.000 So we have it set up where you don't get to decide.

01:34:29.000 You get to decide on who gets to decide.

01:34:31.000 That's what you get to decide on.

01:34:33.000 Which is fucking ridiculous.

01:34:34.000 The idea that one guy should be trusted to fucking run everything in this day and age, as much as we know about how complicated the world is, that's fucking nonsense.

01:34:43.000 That's total nonsense.

01:34:45.000 But yet, we accept it.

01:34:46.000 The right way to do it would be to have everybody vote on things.

01:34:50.000 The problem with that is...

01:34:52.000 People are fucking stupid.

01:34:53.000 They're really easy to manipulate.

01:34:55.000 You could tell them all sorts of shit that's not true, and the dumb ones would all buy it, and the dumb ones are more than half.

01:35:01.000 So now what do you do?

01:35:02.000 So it's almost like you have to have someone who you think is pretty smart to get into power so that he can make the decisions for you guys and look out for your best interests.

01:35:10.000 But that's when money gets involved.

01:35:11.000 And then they get fucking corporations, and the corporations come with the long money to make sure that you get an office.

01:35:15.000 But once you get an office, it's like, you know, man, we really like...

01:35:18.000 The oil that we're getting from the Amazon jungle.

01:35:20.000 We like to keep getting that shit.

01:35:22.000 There's some places we like to cut down some trees.

01:35:24.000 There's a lot of bitches hating.

01:35:26.000 I got you.

01:35:28.000 You want to cut down trees?

01:35:29.000 Let's cut down trees, son.

01:35:30.000 This is what we do.

01:35:31.000 We're going to go over there.

01:35:31.000 We're going to give them a giant-ass loan that they can't pay back.

01:35:34.000 And then when they can't pay it back, we'll go jack them and take their shit.

01:35:36.000 And we've been doing that since fucking the beginning of time.

01:35:40.000 There's money involved.

01:35:41.000 And when there's money involved, you can't ever have real power.

01:35:44.000 The real power can't be isolated in one area.

01:35:47.000 There can't be all this influence where one group or one person or one organization gets to control shit.

01:35:54.000 Because then everybody's going to be trying to kiss ass to that organization to get them to do what they want.

01:35:58.000 So they can conduct business.

01:36:01.000 And that's what we're dealing with.

01:36:02.000 That's why people can't vote for everything.

01:36:04.000 Because a real democracy wouldn't work.

01:36:07.000 We're fucking babies.

01:36:08.000 We're infantile.

01:36:10.000 There's no way, with the way we've been living our society, like, there's some big daddy looking out for us, you know, there's no way we can go from that to, like, being able to be completely free and vote for everything that happens.

01:36:21.000 It'd be too complicated right now.

01:36:24.000 That shit's gonna take a long time, but I don't think it's ever gonna happen.

01:36:26.000 I think something's gonna just bypass it and launch our culture and launch our civilization into the next stage.

01:36:33.000 I think we're never gonna evolve as we are in this form.

01:36:37.000 I think this form is all about fucking and violence and chaos and laughter and nonsense.

01:36:43.000 That's this life.

01:36:44.000 That's this life.

01:36:45.000 This life is all about love and friendships and shit you like to do and fun.

01:36:49.000 And it's hang on.

01:36:51.000 Hang on to the big ship that is humanity, because some shit is going to change, and you're about to go through a new door, and when we go through that new door, all this shit that you've been worrying about, about whether or not you should get a Mac or a PC, or whether or not you're a Democrat or Republican, or whether or not you like Family Guy, or fucking fuck those hacks, I like South Park, you know, that's all going to be nonsense when the big change happens.

01:37:13.000 And I think it's coming.

01:37:15.000 I think it is really fucking coming.

01:37:17.000 And I think you see things like this little smart dust thing, and you see things like people trying to create suns, and you see things like what's going on with the fucking oil spill, where there's going to be some radical changes to the way people approach extracting oil from the ground now.

01:37:30.000 People are going to demand this is going to be a catastrophe.

01:37:33.000 You know, I think some shit is changing, dude.

01:37:36.000 I think shit is changing.

01:37:38.000 It's freaky.

01:37:40.000 It's freaky to think that the ridiculous notion of 2012 being the end of humanity is a date you can actually track.

01:37:48.000 It seems like it's happening that way.

01:37:50.000 I would not be shocked if December 21st, 2012 actually does turn out to be some sort of crazy invention or insane innovation that catapults the human race into the next stage of existence.

01:38:04.000 You know what it's going to be.

01:38:05.000 It's going to be nothing today.

01:38:07.000 It's going to be completely nothing.

01:38:08.000 It's going to be like turning 2000. It's going to be like the computer virus at 2000. It might not be, dude.

01:38:14.000 Or it might happen before then.

01:38:15.000 I mean, it might be a rough estimate.

01:38:16.000 But I think there's going to be something that takes place.

01:38:19.000 And I think it's going to involve information.

01:38:21.000 I think LA's going to have a bad earthquake.

01:38:22.000 I think that's definitely going to happen.

01:38:23.000 I think so?

01:38:24.000 Yeah.

01:38:24.000 I think that's just...

01:38:25.000 Lately...

01:38:26.000 Every day on my Chrome or my homepage, the thing that pops up is my Google page.

01:38:32.000 And one of the things, my widgets, is the earthquake map for Los Angeles.

01:38:36.000 And if you've been watching ever since that earthquake in San Diego for the last...

01:38:40.000 What was that?

01:38:40.000 A month and a half ago?

01:38:41.000 Are you an earthquake expert or is this just rambling?

01:38:44.000 No, this is...

01:38:45.000 I see the same...

01:38:45.000 I've been following earthquakes just as a hobby, I guess, for the last seven years.

01:38:51.000 I go to this website that just shows the earthquake map.

01:38:54.000 See, dude, if you believe in the secret, you're creating earthquakes right now.

01:38:57.000 No, no, no.

01:38:58.000 I'm not...

01:38:58.000 But anyways...

01:38:58.000 You're, like, manifesting it.

01:39:00.000 Current earthquakes...

01:39:01.000 Oh, you're a freak.

01:39:02.000 You go to a goddamn earthquake projection center?

01:39:04.000 Yeah, it just shows you the earthquakes recently.

01:39:07.000 But ever since the San Diego earthquake, there has been so much activity in Mexico.

01:39:13.000 Like maybe a hundred times more than it normally is.

01:39:17.000 Well, let's hope this is a big-ass earthquake right under the house of some crazy Mexican drug dealer.

01:39:23.000 I know.

01:39:23.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:39:23.000 You need to put a layer, drug dealer layer map over this Google map to see what's going on.

01:39:30.000 Because ever since like a month and a half ago, it's been retarded.

01:39:33.000 So do you have a fear of earthquakes?

01:39:35.000 I don't have a fear, but I'm interested in them.

01:39:37.000 It's just weird, like, every day, like, right in the last, whatever, couple days, week, there's been 920 earthquakes in California.

01:39:44.000 And usually that hovers about that same number.

01:39:47.000 Lately, though, almost all of them have been in San Diego.

01:39:50.000 There's just so much shit that can fuck us up, man.

01:39:52.000 There's so much shit that can fuck us up.

01:39:55.000 I have an earthquake fetish, that's right.

01:39:58.000 Oh, I got another good story.

01:40:00.000 Let me make a pee-pee.

01:40:01.000 How about this guy who the...

01:40:03.000 You have to pee?

01:40:04.000 You have to make a pee-pee.

01:40:05.000 You faggot.

01:40:05.000 You can't even hold on.

01:40:06.000 I try.

01:40:08.000 Wait, I'll pee in the flashlight.

01:40:09.000 Oh, don't do that.

01:40:10.000 Go in the bathroom.

01:40:11.000 How rude.

01:40:12.000 While you go in the bathroom, I'll take questions.

01:40:14.000 And when he comes back from the bathroom, we're going to talk about this dude.

01:40:17.000 His name is George Wreckers, and he is a Christian right leader, and he just got busted with a twink.

01:40:24.000 I love these stories, man.

01:40:26.000 This dude is like this real staunch anti-gay activist.

01:40:30.000 He's a board member of something called the National Association for Research Therapy of Homosexuality.

01:40:41.000 And it turns out he's really gay.

01:40:43.000 It turns out that he was trying to pass all this legislation.

01:40:47.000 He's in the American College of Pediatrics, or of pediatricians.

01:40:53.000 And apparently the American College of Pediatricians, that's like the name of it, but really they hand out literature, according to this one website, accusing gays of something called coprophilia, C-O-P-R-O-P-H-I-L-I-A, which means...

01:41:09.000 Sexuality while playing with shit.

01:41:11.000 Coprophilia.

01:41:11.000 So they're accusing gays of this coprophilia, this philia, this obsession, this sickness.

01:41:18.000 And, you know, and saying how terrible gays are and how adopted children that are adopted to gay families are all fucked up.

01:41:25.000 And meanwhile, this dude the entire time was banging dudes.

01:41:29.000 It's really goddamn classic.

01:41:31.000 He was caught on vacation with something called a rent boy.

01:41:36.000 He went to rentboy.com.

01:41:39.000 Rentboy.com.

01:41:41.000 And this is what he advertised for.

01:41:42.000 This is the guy that he went with.

01:41:44.000 He has a smooth, sweet, tight ass and a perfectly built 8-inch cock.

01:41:51.000 Uncut.

01:41:51.000 And he explains that he is sensual, wild, and up for anything.

01:41:57.000 So they catch this dude, George Reckers of North Miami.

01:42:01.000 They catch him, the leading scholar for the Christian right.

01:42:05.000 They catch him at the terminal with his gay escort and start taking pictures.

01:42:09.000 And this is what the guy's excuse was.

01:42:10.000 He says, I had surgery.

01:42:12.000 I can't lift luggage.

01:42:14.000 That's why I hired him.

01:42:19.000 That's fucking awesome!

01:42:21.000 That is pretty good.

01:42:22.000 That's awesome, man.

01:42:23.000 It's like the tickle parties.

01:42:24.000 Rentboy.com.

01:42:25.000 I mean, if you were a gay dude and you were so tired of people fucking with other gay dudes and coming up with all these laws that make it impossible for you to get married and make it more difficult for you to adopt children and make it more difficult for you to get all sorts of shit that shouldn't be denied from you because of your sexual preference.

01:42:44.000 If you're not doing anything to harm anybody else, it's ridiculous.

01:42:47.000 They would even...

01:42:48.000 Entertained that there's something wrong with it.

01:42:50.000 This one motherfucker is just going off, just involved in so much legislation, so much activism against homosexuals, and meanwhile, this fucking dude...

01:43:04.000 Advisory roles with Congress, the White House, Department of Health and Human Services, and testifying at a state's witness in favor of Florida's gay adoption ban.

01:43:11.000 This motherfucker's going to rentboy.com and getting twinks.

01:43:16.000 He's getting twinks.

01:43:17.000 If you know what twinks are, twinks are the little boys that gay dudes like.

01:43:20.000 Gay dudes like 19-year-old boys.

01:43:22.000 They're like, I don't have any muscle.

01:43:23.000 They look like little boys.

01:43:24.000 They call them twinks.

01:43:26.000 This dude was going and getting twinks.

01:43:28.000 It's like, oh, I had surgery.

01:43:29.000 I had surgery.

01:43:30.000 Wow, I thought Twinks was Twilight fans or something like that.

01:43:34.000 No, Twinks, the original Twinks, is little gay dudes.

01:43:40.000 My mom's rude then, because she was calling me a Twink.

01:43:43.000 Wow, she called you a Twink?

01:43:45.000 I'm sure your mom doesn't know what that means.

01:43:47.000 Your mom's got some fucking Betty Boop definition of Twink.

01:43:51.000 That makes somebody that likes hard candy!

01:43:53.000 Shit she heard on Little Rascals.

01:43:59.000 What the fuck does she know?

01:44:01.000 This is like the Ted Haggard case.

01:44:03.000 Just as good.

01:44:05.000 It's like so many of these cases.

01:44:07.000 There's been so many of them.

01:44:08.000 It's almost impossible to imagine.

01:44:11.000 What was that guy's name?

01:44:14.000 Mark Faber.

01:44:15.000 He was another guy, right?

01:44:16.000 There's been so many of them.

01:44:18.000 So many people that are anti-gay that turn out to be gay.

01:44:22.000 Or was Faber the one that was trying to bang kids?

01:44:25.000 He was trying to bang...

01:44:26.000 He was gay and he was trying to bang his assistants and his...

01:44:31.000 What are those?

01:44:33.000 Congressional pages.

01:44:34.000 That's what he was doing.

01:44:35.000 I think that's his name, Faber.

01:44:36.000 Whatever.

01:44:36.000 If it's not, you know what the fuck I'm talking about.

01:44:40.000 There's so many of these guys that are trying to fight against gay people and trying to stop people from doing things and they turn out to be gay.

01:44:47.000 How do they not know that people are going to check?

01:44:51.000 At this day and age?

01:44:52.000 How do you not know that if you're a guy who's just spending an exorbitant amount of time trying to fight the gay agenda, trying to stop gays from having the same rights as straight couples, trying to just suppress people, wouldn't you think they would look at you?

01:45:09.000 Wouldn't you think they would check you out?

01:45:11.000 Yeah.

01:45:12.000 It seems like it's so weird when it's always the loudest person.

01:45:15.000 Always!

01:45:16.000 It's an incredible, the suppression of others for no reason.

01:45:19.000 When you look into someone trying to suppress someone else's wants and desires for no reason, you have to look at that person and you have to scrutinize where they're coming from because that's not natural.

01:45:29.000 That's not a natural thing.

01:45:30.000 Why would you care?

01:45:31.000 They're gay, they're having fun.

01:45:32.000 What do you give a shit?

01:45:33.000 As long as he doesn't try to fuck you, you shouldn't have a problem with him.

01:45:37.000 There's a bunch of gay people.

01:45:38.000 They find the other gay people.

01:45:39.000 They have a good party together.

01:45:40.000 Who cares?

01:45:40.000 Why do you care?

01:45:41.000 It doesn't make sense if you care.

01:45:43.000 But if you do care and you're out there fighting it, man...

01:45:46.000 We got you.

01:45:47.000 We know now.

01:45:48.000 It's obvious.

01:45:49.000 It's all of you.

01:45:51.000 How many of you?

01:45:52.000 The Larry Craig guy.

01:45:54.000 How many of you have to get busted?

01:45:57.000 It's fucking bananas.

01:45:58.000 I said it again.

01:45:59.000 Shit!

01:46:00.000 Bananas.

01:46:03.000 You should be sponsored by Chiquita.

01:46:05.000 I should be.

01:46:06.000 Yeah, but I'm going to be sponsored by the Fushfly.

01:46:08.000 My manager can kiss my ass.

01:46:10.000 By the way, I can't stop thinking about this.

01:46:12.000 It's ridiculous.

01:46:13.000 Don't fuck it.

01:46:14.000 Don't fuck it.

01:46:14.000 I kissed it.

01:46:15.000 It tastes real too.

01:46:17.000 Ew!

01:46:18.000 Dude!

01:46:20.000 I hope some big, fat, sweaty dude was working at the factory.

01:46:24.000 Inspected by number 20. Good.

01:46:27.000 I'm putting up my butt.

01:46:31.000 I love it.

01:46:33.000 Yeah, there's another senator that got busted watching porn in Congress.

01:46:36.000 That's hilarious.

01:46:37.000 Yeah, there's too many fucking people out there telling other people how to live their lives.

01:46:42.000 It's ridiculous, and we shouldn't tolerate it anymore.

01:46:45.000 You know, at a certain point in time, we have to say, fuck you.

01:46:48.000 That's enough.

01:46:49.000 You know, it's too crazy.

01:46:51.000 And every one of them that are telling people what to do with their lives and what they shouldn't be doing, it doesn't hurt them.

01:46:56.000 Every one of them are fucked up across the board, whether they're Muslims that want to throw rocks at you for drawing pictures of Muhammad or dancing or whatever the fuck it is, whether it's Catholics, no matter anybody that's trying to suppress your behavior, they're all fucked up.

01:47:11.000 If you're not hurting anybody else, you're fine.

01:47:14.000 Nobody's got this thing wired.

01:47:15.000 Nobody.

01:47:16.000 Nobody is in control of the fucking oil.

01:47:18.000 Nobody knows what's happening.

01:47:20.000 The oil's pouring out of the ground.

01:47:22.000 40,000 fucking gallons a day, Brian, at least.

01:47:25.000 Who knows?

01:47:27.000 There's no answers, folks.

01:47:29.000 And that's important because if we're ever going to get past where we are now, we have to realize that we can't leave the control to someone who we think is more qualified than us and someone who's on it, like Obama or the idea of Obama or any guy being president and being on it.

01:47:45.000 You can't be on the world.

01:47:46.000 You can't be on the country.

01:47:48.000 It's impossible.

01:47:49.000 Nobody can.

01:47:49.000 And we have to accept that.

01:47:50.000 And until we do, we're going to fucking hurdle out of control.

01:47:56.000 I agree.

01:47:58.000 And even if we do accept it, I think it's too late.

01:48:01.000 I think what's going to save us and what's going to change us is technology.

01:48:04.000 That's what I think.

01:48:06.000 Totally.

01:48:07.000 I think when we realize...

01:48:08.000 I think we're slowly starting to realize how full of shit people are.

01:48:11.000 We're slowly starting to, as we get more and more intrusive into people's lives, we're exposing another level of understanding of human beings and busting politicians and busting...

01:48:26.000 I mean, there was no...

01:48:26.000 Like that guy that got busted, Elliot...

01:48:29.000 What the fuck's his name?

01:48:31.000 Spitzer?

01:48:31.000 Spitzer, yeah, in New York.

01:48:33.000 I mean, nobody got busted like that before.

01:48:34.000 Nobody's ever gotten busted like that.

01:48:36.000 Is he in jail now?

01:48:37.000 Well, you know, that guy was a guy that was very vocal about the market, about the market being all fucked up and corrupt and talking about all these companies.

01:48:44.000 And he believes that that's one of the reasons why they went after him.

01:48:48.000 And that's one of the reasons why they persecuted him.

01:48:51.000 Meanwhile, the guy was busting people for prostitution and he was using prostitutes.

01:48:58.000 That was another example.

01:48:59.000 He was a guy that was all adamant against, we're going to stop prostitution.

01:49:04.000 Oh, what a good thing to stop.

01:49:06.000 Stop people getting their dick sucked.

01:49:08.000 Why would you do that?

01:49:10.000 Why do you give a shit?

01:49:11.000 You're going to really put so much effort into that?

01:49:13.000 Well, it turns out the reason why he was doing it was because he was covering up the fact that he was using them.

01:49:17.000 He is no different than all these crazy gay activists that are secretly gay.

01:49:23.000 He's hating.

01:49:24.000 He's trying to cover it up.

01:49:26.000 So we should look at anyone that's a huge, loud person on a certain topic.

01:49:31.000 The guy that likes Slim Jims, that wants you to snap into Slim Jims, probably hates Slim Jims.

01:49:36.000 No, no, no.

01:49:37.000 You're not seeing it correctly at all.

01:49:39.000 I know what you're talking about.

01:49:40.000 I was just joking.

01:49:40.000 I know.

01:49:41.000 This is the formula, in my opinion.

01:49:45.000 This is what I seem to have drawn out of it.

01:49:47.000 You have to look at anyone that is trying to suppress the behavior or the desires of anyone else where it shouldn't concern them.

01:49:56.000 Whether it's someone who is trying to stop you from whatever the fuck it is, whether it's masturbation, whether it's anything.

01:50:04.000 If they're trying to suppress your desire, if they're trying to stop you from marrying other gay people, stop gay rights, look at them.

01:50:11.000 Look at them.

01:50:12.000 Find out what the fuck it is.

01:50:13.000 If they're trying to suppress prostitution, find that guy.

01:50:17.000 He's getting his dick sucked.

01:50:18.000 He's paying for it.

01:50:19.000 He's a fucking freak.

01:50:20.000 He's a freak and he's crazy.

01:50:21.000 All the people that are trying to suppress people from doing things that don't affect the person who's trying to stop them from suppressing things.

01:50:29.000 Just leave people the fuck alone.

01:50:31.000 And if you don't leave people the fuck alone, you're the problem.

01:50:34.000 That's really what it is.

01:50:35.000 This Eliot Spitzer guy, yeah, maybe you were exposing these flaws in the market.

01:50:40.000 Maybe you were exposing corruption.

01:50:41.000 But guess what, douchebag?

01:50:43.000 You were also getting people locked in a cage because somebody gave somebody money to get their dick sucked.

01:50:47.000 Which is fucking nonsense.

01:50:49.000 In 2010, you can go to jail because you can suck someone's dick for free, but if they give you $5, you're a bad person.

01:50:58.000 That's ridiculous.

01:50:59.000 It is ridiculous.

01:51:01.000 That's completely ridiculous.

01:51:03.000 And then anyone who's trying to suppress anybody else's desires or needs and they're trying to suppress them in a way that has nothing to do with them.

01:51:13.000 You gotta look at them.

01:51:14.000 They're all fucked up.

01:51:16.000 They're all doing something shitty.

01:51:18.000 Yeah, I agree.

01:51:19.000 I'm glad you agree with me.

01:51:22.000 That rant tapered off at the end, right?

01:51:24.000 It was pretty good at the beginning.

01:51:25.000 I had an important point, but...

01:51:27.000 Somewhere around the fucking two-hour mark of these things, you lose the creative magic in formulating your sentences.

01:51:34.000 You know, I like your setup this week.

01:51:36.000 It's awesome.

01:51:36.000 But one thing, I think I just killed sperm with the laptop on my lap.

01:51:41.000 Oh, yeah.

01:51:41.000 I think I just cooked my balls.

01:51:42.000 Well, you got to do it like I do it.

01:51:43.000 You have the lap off to the side.

01:51:45.000 That's the move.

01:51:46.000 So if you put your laptop, if you move this thing and you put your laptop, like you put your microphone here.

01:51:52.000 Right.

01:51:52.000 See, folks, we're fucking ghetto.

01:51:54.000 This is not a planned out situation here.

01:51:56.000 It's not a planned out situation.

01:51:58.000 So, we covered everything that I want to cover.

01:52:00.000 As far as UFC predictions, people keep asking me UFC predictions.

01:52:03.000 I never give UFC predictions, because who the fuck knows what's going to happen.

01:52:07.000 They're super exciting fights.

01:52:09.000 The main event, of course, is spectacular.

01:52:12.000 Lyoto Machida versus Mauricio Shogun Hua.

01:52:14.000 Very, very interesting fight.

01:52:16.000 You know, a lot of people thought that Mauricio won the first fight, but if he did win it, you know, he didn't kill him.

01:52:23.000 He didn't really...

01:52:25.000 You know, he didn't stop him.

01:52:26.000 He never really hurt him badly.

01:52:28.000 He never really had a real dominant moment in the fight.

01:52:31.000 He just edged him.

01:52:32.000 A lot of people felt like he edged him.

01:52:33.000 And a very exciting fight.

01:52:35.000 And I think that, you know, Lyoto is going to have a completely different strategy most likely for this fight.

01:52:40.000 Very excited to see that.

01:52:41.000 He's a very strategic dude.

01:52:42.000 And I think also he's going to be, both guys are going to be more prepared.

01:52:46.000 They're going to know what the other is capable of.

01:52:48.000 They're going to review the first fight and go over mistakes and go over when they landed and go over maybe tendencies that each might have that maybe they can exploit.

01:52:58.000 So I think the second fight is going to start out a chess match.

01:53:03.000 Both guys are going to be doing things that they think are going to benefit them in this fight that maybe they didn't do in the first fight.

01:53:09.000 Maybe we'll find guys who might start off the fight a little bit more cautious.

01:53:12.000 That could be interesting.

01:53:13.000 See if maybe Shogun plays the role of a counter-striker initially.

01:53:18.000 Or maybe they just get to it like it's round six.

01:53:21.000 Maybe they just fucking go at each other.

01:53:22.000 That's very possible too.

01:53:25.000 Maybe that even more so because of the controversy involving some of the fights lately where guys haven't been exciting, like the Anderson Silva fight where he kind of slacked off over the last two rounds, and people even criticizing Jose Aldo for his last round of his fight.

01:53:38.000 So if that's the case, if they're affected by that stuff, maybe they might come out and try to prove a point.

01:53:43.000 I don't think that's going to happen because too much is at stake, and both guys are too dangerous.

01:53:47.000 They're both two of the most dangerous and explosive guys.

01:53:50.000 In that light heavyweight division and anything can happen.

01:53:53.000 So that's my prediction for the main event.

01:53:55.000 Who the fuck is?

01:53:56.000 Who's the karate guy?

01:53:57.000 Machida.

01:53:58.000 What do you think of karate as a martial art in general?

01:54:02.000 Well, what Machida does is very smart.

01:54:04.000 He combines the good things of karate with Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu and wrestling and boxing.

01:54:11.000 There's a lot of good stuff in karate.

01:54:12.000 The ability to leap in and leap out.

01:54:15.000 The way they fight, their footwork is different than Muay Thai guys.

01:54:19.000 Muay Thai guys are light on their feet, but they wade in and get close to each other and attack.

01:54:25.000 They check kicks and attack.

01:54:27.000 The karate guys, it's almost like fencing.

01:54:29.000 They explode in and explode out.

01:54:31.000 And if you're not used to fighting Machida, he's super hard to deal with because that explosion just fucking throws you off.

01:54:37.000 I mean, he leans way back and he dives in and he's super accurate with things.

01:54:42.000 And if he catches you with one of those, he could fuck you up.

01:54:44.000 And if he starts lighting you up, like pot-shotting you from a distance, you're in trouble.

01:54:47.000 That's what happened to Rashad Evans.

01:54:48.000 He started just lighting him up.

01:54:50.000 He started laying back, bang!

01:54:51.000 And he comes in and blasts him.

01:54:53.000 And then once he does it a couple of times, that's all he needs to do.

01:54:56.000 He only needs to hit you A couple clean times before you're like a little bewildered.

01:55:00.000 And he's so good at that.

01:55:02.000 He did that to Sokuju.

01:55:03.000 You know, he did that to Thiago Silva.

01:55:05.000 Stopped him at the end of the first round.

01:55:06.000 He's a fucking killer, man.

01:55:07.000 He's a killer.

01:55:08.000 And he's gonna be trying to do that even more on Shogun than in the first fight.

01:55:12.000 He's gonna be more fired up, more motivated.

01:55:14.000 I think he's gonna be even better.

01:55:16.000 And then Shogun, he's going to be super confident because he feels like he won that first fight.

01:55:19.000 He feels like he got robbed of the decision.

01:55:21.000 So he's going to be confident and he's going to be fucking coming in guns blazing and Lyoto's going to be confident and Lyoto's going to be more motivated, better strategy.

01:55:29.000 It's going to be an awesome fucking fight.

01:55:32.000 You just go by a karate studio and you're just like, okay, that little 15-year-old has a black belt.

01:55:39.000 That's your sport.

01:55:41.000 A 15-year-old could have a black belt.

01:55:43.000 Are you kidding me?

01:55:43.000 Well, that's the problem with the thing they call the McDojos.

01:55:47.000 The McDojos.

01:55:48.000 The McDojo syndrome is that when martial arts became popular in America, I guess in the 60s or whatever, When people started watching Bruce Lee movies in the 70s and shit.

01:55:57.000 What happened was people got real into karate and karate became a business.

01:56:02.000 They opened up karate schools all over the world.

01:56:04.000 People wanted to learn how to kick people's asses.

01:56:07.000 Then it became some bullshit mysticism thing and a lot of bowing.

01:56:11.000 They're very cult-like, man.

01:56:13.000 If you've never been to karate schools or a lot of martial arts schools, my Taekwondo school was very cult-like.

01:56:18.000 They're like, the sensei can do no wrong and everything is, yes sir, yes sir.

01:56:23.000 It's like they're never even and equal with you.

01:56:26.000 Which is one of the beautiful things about Jiu Jitsu.

01:56:28.000 Jiu Jitsu is totally the opposite.

01:56:30.000 Your instructor is just like you.

01:56:31.000 He's super cool and just like you.

01:56:33.000 You don't have to call him.

01:56:34.000 I mean, if you do call him sir, it's out of respect, but he's going to probably say, sir, I'm your brother, my friend.

01:56:38.000 Why don't you call me sir?

01:56:39.000 You know, Jean-Jean Gocciotto would laugh if you called him sir.

01:56:41.000 He's just a friendly, cool guy that knows something that you don't know, and he's going to show it to you.

01:56:47.000 So like jiu-jitsu, though, it's way more rare for a 15-year-old to get a black belt in a tight...

01:56:52.000 Yeah, it's really, really, really hard to get your black belt in jiu-jitsu.

01:56:54.000 Martial arts, they have much lower standards than jiu-jitsu.

01:56:57.000 Most of them do.

01:56:58.000 And karate, a lot of schools.

01:57:00.000 See, if you go to a real karate school, like a real...

01:57:02.000 You know, Okinawan karate school or Kyokushin karate school where they're like really like rigid, traditional, old school weight.

01:57:09.000 No, they're not going to give you a fucking black belt if you're not ready.

01:57:12.000 You got to get that black belt.

01:57:13.000 You got to earn that shit.

01:57:14.000 You go to one of Masoyama's fucking schools, one of his affiliates.

01:57:18.000 You know, those guys, those are serious, hard motherfuckers.

01:57:22.000 Those karate tournaments they fight in, especially the Kyokushin karate tournaments, those dudes are fucking animals.

01:57:27.000 They don't punch to the face, but they kick to the face and kick to the body and kick to the legs.

01:57:31.000 They're fucking tough, man.

01:57:32.000 That's a hard, hard sport.

01:57:34.000 Or a hard martial art.

01:57:35.000 If you go to those schools, you're not going to be able to get a 9-year-old and get them their black belt.

01:57:41.000 But if you go to one of these Fred Valori schools, they used to be like the United Studios of Self-Defense when I lived in Massachusetts.

01:57:47.000 Hey, you're fucking 12 years old and you've got a black belt.

01:57:49.000 That's ridiculous.

01:57:50.000 And you can't crack an egg.

01:57:51.000 They don't have any idea how to fight.

01:57:53.000 They're completely lost.

01:57:55.000 They want to do high kicks and kata and fucking knife hand strike you.

01:58:00.000 They literally don't know how to fight.

01:58:02.000 They're taught how to do this stupid dance.

01:58:04.000 They don't even have contact when they spar, like in most of the schools.

01:58:08.000 Did you hear that the Boy Scouts now have a badge for playing video games?

01:58:12.000 Which I thought was crazy.

01:58:14.000 Doesn't that defeat everything the Boy Scouts are about?

01:58:16.000 Like adventures, outdoors?

01:58:18.000 Yeah, they have a video game badge.

01:58:20.000 That's the government, man.

01:58:22.000 They want you to become a killer.

01:58:23.000 They want you to target their drones.

01:58:24.000 Did you hear Obama made a joke about fucking drones?

01:58:28.000 You know the whole thing with Obama and he told jokes and Jay Leno told jokes and Jay Leno kind of bombed?

01:58:33.000 No, I didn't hear about this.

01:58:34.000 The White House press correspondence dinner.

01:58:37.000 I think that's what it's called.

01:58:39.000 You didn't hear about this?

01:58:40.000 I ignore all Jay Leno news.

01:58:42.000 You've got to check this out because it's fascinating.

01:58:44.000 Obama goes on, and everyone's like, Obama did so well.

01:58:48.000 Opie and Anthony were the only ones that said Obama didn't do well, and I fucking completely agree with them.

01:58:52.000 He just butchered the jokes.

01:58:54.000 The timing sucked, but the jokes were pretty well written.

01:58:58.000 I think some of the guys from The Daily Show or something wrote them for them.

01:59:01.000 And the jokes, but his delivery is terrible.

01:59:04.000 It's all clunky, but he got big laughs.

01:59:07.000 But one of the jokes he did, and no one's even talking about this, one of the jokes he did, he said, the Jonas Brothers are here.

01:59:14.000 Where are you, the Jonas Brothers?

01:59:16.000 There you are.

01:59:17.000 And he said something about his daughters.

01:59:19.000 You know, that his daughters, you know, his daughters are very beautiful, but I want to let you know, don't even think about it.

01:59:26.000 I've got two words for you.

01:59:29.000 It was, like, spy drone or something drone.

01:59:33.000 What are those drones called?

01:59:34.000 Yeah, they're drones.

01:59:35.000 Spy drones?

01:59:36.000 Right.

01:59:36.000 But they said, like, I have two words for you, like, unmanned drone.

01:59:39.000 Like, what?

01:59:40.000 What are you saying, Mr. President?

01:59:42.000 You're joking around that if one of these boys, who, by the way, are, like, the most wishy-washy, Christian, non-offensive, non-dangerous, they have fucking these...

01:59:52.000 Wait, you're upset about this?

01:59:54.000 They have these bracelets on.

01:59:55.000 Yeah, dude.

01:59:56.000 Pilot drone, whatever the fuck you called it.

01:59:57.000 I think that's pretty funny.

01:59:59.000 Dude, it's not funny.

02:00:00.000 He's talking about things that kill innocent people every day.

02:00:02.000 They use that thing in Pakistan, and those things, they launch them into these fucking villages and launch them to these mountainsides, and people get jacked left and right.

02:00:12.000 There's all sorts of people that get killed.

02:00:14.000 You could say that about joking about anything.

02:00:16.000 Airplanes, anything.

02:00:18.000 You could joke about black helicopters, but black helicopters kill people for the government.

02:00:22.000 Apache helicopters.

02:00:24.000 Drones, that's pretty funny.

02:00:25.000 He's just taking something that's kind of in the news.

02:00:28.000 Your example is ridiculous.

02:00:29.000 And here's the thing.

02:00:31.000 When you're the president of the goddamn United States, it's just like when George Bush was president.

02:00:35.000 And he said, where are the weapons of mass destruction?

02:00:37.000 None under here!

02:00:39.000 He's like looking under his desk.

02:00:41.000 Yeah, but drones aren't just made for killing.

02:00:42.000 It's for spying and stuff.

02:00:43.000 Dude, they have Hellfire missiles on them.

02:00:45.000 They're there to find people that are bad and launch missiles on them.

02:00:48.000 He's not implying he's going to spy on the Jonas Brothers.

02:00:51.000 He's implying that he's going to kill them.

02:00:53.000 With something that they've been killing people with overseas.

02:00:55.000 Yeah, but that's so lighthearted.

02:00:57.000 That's not like...

02:00:57.000 I don't think that's lighthearted at all.

02:00:59.000 I think that's attacking somebody because you want to attack the person.

02:01:01.000 I think that's ridiculous if you're getting angry about that.

02:01:04.000 You think that me saying that him saying that is attacking him?

02:01:07.000 Well, no, no.

02:01:08.000 You're obviously taking it like a...

02:01:09.000 I can't believe he's joking about this shit.

02:01:11.000 Brian, when you're the president of a country that is literally fucking the whole world...

02:01:16.000 I don't see a problem with that.

02:01:17.000 ...you're involved in two wars overseas and...

02:01:19.000 These weird things that happen in Pakistan that are, I don't know, who approves them or how exactly they work where they have these drones that fire these missiles at these people that we don't like.

02:01:30.000 And all sorts of other people die.

02:01:32.000 That's not something I would joke about if I was the President of the United States.

02:01:35.000 There's plenty of shit to make fun of.

02:01:37.000 To think that he's joking is also kind of acting like my mom getting mad about him.

02:01:41.000 I can't believe he said about this.

02:01:43.000 It's a terrible joke.

02:01:43.000 It's a dumb joke.

02:01:44.000 I don't know why he would think it's funny.

02:01:46.000 I don't know why he would think killing boys that want to fuck his girls is funny.

02:01:48.000 I think it's fucking hilarious.

02:01:50.000 To say that to the Jonas Brothers, I would say that.

02:01:52.000 It's not hilarious.

02:01:53.000 It bombed.

02:01:53.000 It wasn't a good joke.

02:01:54.000 It was like he got the worst response of any of his bits.

02:01:57.000 It wasn't well delivered either.

02:01:58.000 I think it's brilliant.

02:01:59.000 I can't believe you think that.

02:02:01.000 I wouldn't say that if I was the president.

02:02:03.000 That's retarded.

02:02:04.000 Would you say that?

02:02:05.000 You don't think there's any karma in that.

02:02:07.000 There's something very serious about being a person who's responsible, at least indirectly, for many, many people dying because of these fucking drones.

02:02:15.000 Many people crying.

02:02:16.000 Many families devastated.

02:02:17.000 Many people lost their children.

02:02:19.000 Many people lost their loved ones.

02:02:20.000 Gone forever.

02:02:21.000 But because it's taking place in Pakistan, doesn't freak you out?

02:02:24.000 What if he's involved in drone attacks in Ohio?

02:02:27.000 What if kids you went to high school with got fucking killed, they got their legs blown off because Obama is using drones to target Al-Qaeda in Ohio?

02:02:35.000 Wouldn't that freak you out?

02:02:36.000 You're saying a what if though, Joe.

02:02:38.000 You're saying a what if and not what really happened.

02:02:39.000 What I'm saying is Pakistan is no different than Ohio, man.

02:02:44.000 For you to think that it's okay in Pakistan and not okay in Ohio because that makes it a what if.

02:02:49.000 Joe, you're making it seem like I'm that sensitive about the Middle East and stuff where I'm not.

02:02:55.000 I don't think about that shit.

02:02:57.000 You know, you're getting really sensitive about our war and our troops and everything.

02:03:00.000 No, I'm getting sensitive about someone making a joke about murder.

02:03:03.000 Yeah, I think you're getting really sensitive about Obama just doing a bad joke, you know?

02:03:08.000 That's not just a bad joke.

02:03:09.000 It's a ridiculous, irresponsible joke.

02:03:12.000 I think to make a joke like that in the middle of two wars that people don't approve and all these things that are happening in Pakistan with Unmanned drones.

02:03:20.000 I don't think you should be making jokes like that.

02:03:22.000 Unless they're fucking hilarious.

02:03:24.000 And that joke was lame as fuck.

02:03:26.000 I think it's pretty funny, especially when the president says, I think it's hilarious.

02:03:30.000 I think it makes our president seem edgy.

02:03:32.000 I think it seems like he's not playing dumb and trying to butter, like, nerf our fucking ears.

02:03:38.000 He's actually saying something that's like, wow, that's kind of blue.

02:03:41.000 That's kind of crazy.

02:03:42.000 Dude, military.

02:03:43.000 The president doesn't have the key to the drones.

02:03:45.000 Oh, so his joke is not correct as well.

02:03:48.000 You don't think they would let him borrow the key so he could kill the Jonas Brothers?

02:03:52.000 Is that what you're trying to say?

02:03:53.000 Thank you very much for chiming in, sir.

02:03:55.000 Joe, but you're saying like your joke on baby blowjobs.

02:03:58.000 You're saying that's bad to say.

02:04:00.000 You know how many people are child molested and stuff?

02:04:02.000 No, here's an example that you need to use.

02:04:04.000 If I was a child molester and I was out there blowing babies, And then I did a joke about baby blowjobs.

02:04:10.000 Then it would be the same as what the president is doing.

02:04:13.000 So the president is killing people with drones right now.

02:04:15.000 Well, the president is the spokesperson for the country.

02:04:17.000 And the country is, in fact, at war and has military that is killing people with drones.

02:04:23.000 So yes, he's at the top of the food chain.

02:04:25.000 I see why you're upset, but I just don't see it.

02:04:28.000 I just don't see it.

02:04:29.000 I understand that you don't see it.

02:04:30.000 I think it's hilarious.

02:04:32.000 I understand.

02:04:33.000 Who Opie and Anthony were mad to about this?

02:04:37.000 No.

02:04:38.000 I think they were talking about something else.

02:04:40.000 They were talking about his jokes bombing.

02:04:44.000 Opie and Anthony were upset at his delivery.

02:04:46.000 His delivery was terrible.

02:04:47.000 Especially Norton.

02:04:48.000 Norton was going crazy.

02:04:49.000 I love Norton, but he also loves Jay Leno.

02:04:53.000 Well, Norton was right, and he was honest in his assessment of Jay Leno.

02:04:57.000 Jay was rushing through it.

02:04:58.000 He was rushing through his jokes, but the jokes were lame.

02:05:01.000 He knew he had bad jokes, and I think he thought it was going to be an easy crowd, and he could just squeak by.

02:05:06.000 But I think he realized when he got there that there was some pressure on him.

02:05:09.000 I think a lot of people don't like him now, that poor fuck.

02:05:13.000 Everybody's all mad at Jake because he took his job back.

02:05:15.000 Why does everybody give a shit?

02:05:17.000 Conan O'Brien gets $35.

02:05:18.000 Fucking million dollars, and he gets to go to TBS and do whatever he wants.

02:05:21.000 That's funny how he straight up lied, though, on the, whatever, 60 Minutes the other day.

02:05:27.000 Common did?

02:05:27.000 Yeah, twice.

02:05:29.000 What did he lie about?

02:05:29.000 He said that the reason why he got fired and not Leno, because his payout, or Leno's payout was more, or something like that, but they were like, NBC's like, that's a lie.

02:05:38.000 Their payouts were exactly the same.

02:05:40.000 They also said something like...

02:05:42.000 Maybe he didn't know.

02:05:43.000 Maybe he was just mistaken.

02:05:44.000 Well, there was another thing, something about...

02:05:45.000 He might have been told that by agents or something, too.

02:05:47.000 Something about NBC losing money.

02:05:49.000 But what I find odd, though, is that I checked ratings the other day.

02:05:52.000 Jay Leno's ratings and Conan's ratings are almost exactly the same as they were if you were going from year to year from last year to this year or whatever.

02:06:00.000 Exactly the same.

02:06:01.000 So there's no money.

02:06:02.000 There's no, like, Leno's number one making $50 million extra a month.

02:06:07.000 It's been exactly the same.

02:06:08.000 But he was.

02:06:08.000 He was before his whole scandal.

02:06:10.000 But they're thinking that he's eventually going to bring it back to where he was before.

02:06:14.000 Yeah.

02:06:14.000 That he's going to take over the reins and have it back to where it was.

02:06:17.000 Because when he left, he was number one.

02:06:20.000 I don't know, man.

02:06:21.000 It's a stupid argument.

02:06:22.000 Who cares?

02:06:23.000 It's just entertainment.

02:06:24.000 And not only that, it's not the best entertainment.

02:06:26.000 If Conan had a sketch show, I think that would rule.

02:06:32.000 That's what I would like to say.

02:06:33.000 Because I think the best parts on Conan was when he does those sketches.

02:06:36.000 Like when he did the baseball player, the 1800s baseball players, when he went there and played baseball with them and he was talking 1800s beat.

02:06:43.000 It was fucking hilarious.

02:06:44.000 That was way better to me than his interviews.

02:06:46.000 I mean, his interviews are cool, but most of the people that he's talking to, it's like, what are they doing?

02:06:50.000 They're just selling some shit.

02:06:51.000 They just want you to see their movie.

02:06:52.000 They just want you to buy their book or want you to listen to their music.

02:06:56.000 It's like...

02:06:56.000 You know, it's like he's just helping them sell shit.

02:06:59.000 That's really all it is.

02:07:00.000 It's gotten so bad in general of how bad, like, Jimmy Fallon.

02:07:04.000 They had a whole, like, 10-minute sketch the other day on Subway.

02:07:08.000 And it was a commercial, and it was like people were, there was actors involved, and they were, like, doing skits all about Subway.

02:07:15.000 About Subway subs?

02:07:16.000 Subs.

02:07:16.000 Like $5 footlongs was the whole thing they were talking about.

02:07:19.000 And it was an ad for, like, 10 minutes.

02:07:22.000 Well, you know, if it was funny, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

02:07:26.000 Have you seen that one commercial where they rip off Brian Callen's act?

02:07:31.000 There's a commercial, like an Old Spice commercial, where this guy's like doing Brian...

02:07:35.000 Look at my stance.

02:07:36.000 Look at me.

02:07:36.000 On the horse?

02:07:36.000 On the horse.

02:07:37.000 I have an apple.

02:07:38.000 Dude, that is Brian Callen.

02:07:40.000 Are you serious?

02:07:40.000 Fuck yeah.

02:07:41.000 That's like one of the most popular commercials.

02:07:43.000 That dude's like super rich now.

02:07:44.000 That guy sounds like Brian Callen's act.

02:07:47.000 And all these people are saying that.

02:07:48.000 And apparently advertising executives do that all the time.

02:07:51.000 They see comics.

02:07:51.000 They go to comedy clubs and get an idea from their act.

02:07:54.000 Here's something weird.

02:07:55.000 There was a movie called Miss March.

02:07:59.000 I forget the plot.

02:08:00.000 I was half drunk watching this movie.

02:08:04.000 Craig Robinson?

02:08:06.000 Is that his name?

02:08:07.000 He played a character in this movie called Horse...

02:08:11.000 Horsecock.mpeg.

02:08:12.000 And the whole time I'm watching it, it's like...

02:08:15.000 That was his character?

02:08:16.000 Yeah, and the whole thing, the joke was that his character, he was a rapper named Horsecock.mpeg.

02:08:21.000 And the whole time I'm thinking, like, that's kind of weird because of your horse bit material about being Mr. Hands.mpeg.

02:08:28.000 No, that's not weird at all.

02:08:30.000 But it's weird how there's so much similar things like that.

02:08:32.000 And I'm wondering, like, you know, writers and people in marketing and commercial and stuff, if they'd really just...

02:08:38.000 Well, that's a ridiculous connection.

02:08:40.000 Anybody could come up with ChrisCock.mpeg.

02:08:42.000 Look, it was a real video, man.

02:08:43.000 Yeah, but only you, of all people, focused in on a point that was called MrHands.mpeg.

02:08:48.000 No, I think that's silly.

02:08:50.000 I think that's silly.

02:08:50.000 That's what it's called.

02:08:52.000 You can't...

02:08:53.000 I mean, just because I've talked about it on stage...

02:08:55.000 I mean, that is what it is.

02:08:56.000 You can't say that somebody stole that idea.

02:08:58.000 I didn't say he stole it.

02:08:58.000 I'm just saying it's weird how there's so many similar things.

02:09:01.000 Like you're saying Brian Callens.

02:09:03.000 That's stealing.

02:09:03.000 I know they stole it.

02:09:04.000 All these comics have recognized it.

02:09:06.000 It's like the guy is doing a version of Brian Callen.

02:09:09.000 And probably he doesn't even know.

02:09:11.000 He's probably just some actor and he's funny.

02:09:13.000 Maybe he just has the same voice.

02:09:15.000 No, it's not the voice.

02:09:16.000 It's the way Brian Callan talks about things.

02:09:19.000 He exaggerates.

02:09:20.000 Like, sometimes I just take a horse stance.

02:09:22.000 I just stand.

02:09:22.000 He's got this ridiculous act.

02:09:24.000 Like, look at my body, toned and defined.

02:09:26.000 I'm eating a peach.

02:09:27.000 Sometimes I like to eat a peach.

02:09:28.000 This guy's like doing Callan.

02:09:30.000 Callan has this ridiculous character.

02:09:32.000 It's like someone doing a you-might-be-a-redneck character, like going up and doing Jeff Foxworthy.

02:09:36.000 Even if he's not calling himself Jeff Foxworthy, you know where he came from.

02:09:39.000 But Jeff Foxworthy's famous, whereas Brian Callen's not famous.

02:09:42.000 If Brian Callen was super famous and then this commercial was out, everybody would be like, this guy's ripping off Brian Callen.

02:09:48.000 It's like he's doing Brian Callen.

02:09:50.000 I think that shit's real common.

02:09:51.000 I think they do it all the time and sell things.

02:09:53.000 I don't know about that.

02:09:55.000 Sam Tripoli seems to think so.

02:09:57.000 Sam Tripoli thinks a lot of things that aren't true.

02:09:59.000 Really?

02:09:59.000 Like what?

02:10:02.000 Oh.

02:10:03.000 It's two hours and two minutes.

02:10:05.000 Yeah, that's just about it, ladies and gentlemen.

02:10:07.000 So next week, we're going to fuck one of these, right?

02:10:10.000 We're going to talk about it?

02:10:10.000 Yeah, you know what?

02:10:12.000 My manager, I'm sure, would not want me to fuck one of these things.

02:10:14.000 Especially this one.

02:10:15.000 You got the butthole one.

02:10:16.000 Yeah, I'll have that one.

02:10:18.000 Well, you already fingered the shit out of that one, you fucking weirdo.

02:10:25.000 Definitely send me some Twitter messages.

02:10:26.000 Tell me what you think.

02:10:27.000 If you think that it's ridiculous to think that I should not accept a sponsorship because somehow or another it's going to hurt my career, I think it's ridiculous.

02:10:36.000 But I would like to hear your thoughts.

02:10:37.000 Am I allowed to accept it?

02:10:39.000 And we could split the screen down the middle?

02:10:45.000 Brian's part of this show is sponsored by Fleshlight.

02:10:48.000 My side is not.

02:10:49.000 You're a Chiquita banana.

02:10:51.000 I want to let CBS, NBC, and ABC know that I am ready and willing to do your family game show.

02:10:58.000 Chiquita Banana on this side, fleshlight.

02:11:01.000 So, what do we need back here?

02:11:04.000 Do we need a monitor or do we need a green screen?

02:11:06.000 That's the other question.

02:11:07.000 Should it be a monitor or a green screen?

02:11:09.000 60 inch LED, 3D, DLP, LCD, Samsung.

02:11:16.000 People at home would have to watch with goggles on and we would be blurry and everything else would be in 3D. Dude, that'd be awesome.

02:11:21.000 No, that's ridiculous.

02:11:22.000 Probably wouldn't even work.

02:11:23.000 It probably wouldn't transmit through this little shitty Ustream.

02:11:25.000 But what if it did?

02:11:29.000 What the fuck is wrong with you?

02:11:30.000 So there's a question too.

02:11:32.000 Should we do green screen?

02:11:33.000 I say yes.

02:11:34.000 I'm looking at it right now.

02:11:35.000 I'm like, it would be dope if we had an image of space behind us.

02:11:38.000 That's the move, right?

02:11:39.000 We have to do that.

02:11:40.000 Apparently we can't do that with this Ustream producer though.

02:11:44.000 What I'm worried about is that the Ustream producer is the only way we can get this thing up on iTunes.

02:11:49.000 No, we're just using the Ustream producer to take the signal out to the internet.

02:11:53.000 So we will plug this into your computer and this will be an input on Ustream producer.

02:11:57.000 So we'll still be able to use Ustream producer.

02:11:59.000 You sure?

02:11:59.000 Yeah.

02:11:59.000 You know how this thing works?

02:12:01.000 I'm sure I can figure it out.

02:12:02.000 TriCaster?

02:12:03.000 Figured out Ustream producer in five minutes.

02:12:04.000 That's how easy it was.

02:12:05.000 Goddamn genius.

02:12:07.000 Without him, we would be doing the same thing, but it would suck more.

02:12:11.000 And probably the sound would be going on in the background.

02:12:13.000 Alright, green screen, most people think.

02:12:15.000 So I think that's what we're going to go with.

02:12:16.000 It's unanimous.

02:12:17.000 Thank you, everybody.

02:12:18.000 Yeah, it's all green screen.

02:12:19.000 Everybody's saying green screen.

02:12:20.000 They don't want a monitor.

02:12:21.000 Monitor's a gay.

02:12:22.000 Green screen's cool, right?

02:12:23.000 Totally.

02:12:24.000 Yeah, alright.

02:12:24.000 So that's what we're going to do.

02:12:25.000 That is the next stage.

02:12:26.000 So we have this.

02:12:28.000 And check this shit out.

02:12:28.000 Look how this thing goes.

02:12:29.000 At the end of the show, I go like that and it goes down.

02:12:32.000 Oh, man.

02:12:35.000 Fucking crazy, man.

02:12:37.000 I got that shit at Z Gallery, yo.

02:12:40.000 So that's our show, ladies and gentlemen.

02:12:42.000 We will see you next week, Tuesday, as always.

02:12:45.000 You know how we rock it.

02:12:47.000 Basically the same every week.

02:12:49.000 And this thing is slowly but surely getting more and more complicated, but more professional, smoother.

02:12:58.000 The sound for the iTunes version is going to be way, way, way better now with these professional microphones and the high-end MP3 player and all that jazz.

02:13:08.000 The video should be better now as well.

02:13:11.000 And eventually, like I said, we're going to have that.

02:13:13.000 And next week, we're also going to have HD cameras.

02:13:15.000 So we'll have two cameras to choose from so we can switch back and forth and just get crazy.

02:13:20.000 And eventually, we're going to have this thing set up like a real studio.

02:13:23.000 There's another couch chair over here.

02:13:28.000 We'll have it lit up better too because right now it's lit kind of funky.

02:13:31.000 So it rolls on.

02:13:34.000 Thank you very much for tuning in.

02:13:35.000 I'm glad you guys enjoyed it.

02:13:36.000 Fleshlight.com.

02:13:37.000 Fleshlight.com is where you can go if you want to fuck a rubber pussy.

02:13:41.000 And that's it.

02:13:43.000 So we'll see you next week.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 04, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #19 - Brian Redban

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