The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #190 - Greg Fitzsimmons

00:00:01.000 Oh, rookie move.

00:00:03.000 Is that your phone?

00:00:06.000 Are we live?

00:00:07.000 Yeah.

00:00:07.000 Perfect.

00:00:08.000 Hey, what's up?

00:00:10.000 Hi, everybody.

00:00:11.000 Hey! 0.99

00:00:12.000 What the fuck's going on? 0.99

00:00:13.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. 0.99

00:00:15.000 Why do I have to say it?

00:00:16.000 I don't have to say the name of it.

00:00:18.000 I can now say this podcast. 1.00

00:00:19.000 This shit you're listening to. 1.00

00:00:21.000 Costs money for bandwidth, folks. 1.00

00:00:23.000 And we are sponsored by The Fleshlight.

00:00:25.000 But you know that!

00:00:27.000 You know I have to go through with this, though.

00:00:28.000 Here we go.

00:00:29.000 Ready?

00:00:30.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the flashlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off.

00:00:36.000 I know you're going, Joe, that's crazy.

00:00:38.000 You're right, it is. 1.00

00:00:39.000 Fucking crazy. 0.98

00:00:40.000 A lot of people don't even know what the flashlight is, I've been realizing. 0.99

00:00:43.000 Every time I say flashlight, they're like, what is it?

00:00:44.000 A flashlight?

00:00:45.000 Like somebody else just said that the other day, like Amy Schumer or something like that. 0.98

00:00:48.000 We always say it's the number one sex toy for men. 1.00

00:00:49.000 Oh, she's playing stupid. 1.00

00:00:51.000 She doesn't know what a flashlight is? 1.00

00:00:52.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:00:54.000 For people that don't know, it's a sex toy that looks like a flashlight. 1.00

00:00:57.000 When I hosted the Porn Awards, they were... 0.98

00:00:59.000 Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen.

00:01:00.000 Hi.

00:01:01.000 There's a...

00:01:01.000 You know, normally there's flowers in the middle of a big party and then you get to take the flowers home.

00:01:06.000 They had vibrators and fleshlights.

00:01:08.000 So I had like...

00:01:09.000 Of course, I had like five buddies come out from L.A. to be there.

00:01:12.000 And we all had one.

00:01:13.000 And we're running around to the strip clubs all night, you know, using it like a puppet, having fun with it, and laughing about it.

00:01:18.000 And then the next day, around noon, I call each of them.

00:01:21.000 I'm like... 1.00

00:01:22.000 You fuck it? 1.00

00:01:23.000 They're like, yeah, you fuck it? 1.00

00:01:23.000 I'm like, yeah, I fucked it. 1.00

00:01:25.000 We all fucked it. 1.00

00:01:25.000 It was good, right? 1.00

00:01:26.000 Once you have it, you're gonna fuck it. 1.00

00:01:28.000 Especially if you got some lube handy. 1.00

00:01:30.000 Oh, you got to have the lube, and then you got to have an exit.

00:01:34.000 You need an exit strategy.

00:01:35.000 Like, if you're in a hotel, what are you going to do?

00:01:37.000 Do you put it in your bag?

00:01:38.000 I carry on.

00:01:38.000 I didn't want that coming up.

00:01:39.000 Right.

00:01:40.000 Security.

00:01:41.000 I didn't want it in the trash, because then the maid... 1.00

00:01:42.000 So I slipped it into the pocket of the bathrobe in the hotel to be discovered at a later date.

00:01:48.000 That's perfect.

00:01:49.000 Did you just slip it out of its shell or in its shell?

00:01:51.000 The whole thing went in.

00:01:52.000 Just right in there.

00:01:53.000 One package.

00:01:54.000 Clean or not cleaned?

00:01:55.000 Why would I clean it?

00:01:57.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:02:00.000 Oh, of all the dark things to find in a fucking... 1.00

00:02:02.000 You put your robe on out of the shower. 1.00

00:02:04.000 Ah, what the... 1.00

00:02:05.000 What the fucking... 1.00

00:02:06.000 You open it up. 1.00

00:02:07.000 It smells like a million dead fish.

00:02:09.000 And guess what you do then?

00:02:11.000 Guess what you do then?

00:02:12.000 What? 1.00

00:02:12.000 You fuck it. 1.00

00:02:13.000 You fuck it. 1.00

00:02:14.000 Wash it. 1.00

00:02:15.000 Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen.

00:02:16.000 Dorsing the Fleshlight.

00:02:17.000 We are also sponsored by Onnit.com.

00:02:19.000 O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, the cognitive enhancing supplement.

00:02:24.000 Ooh, I gotta take mine before the show. 1.00

00:02:26.000 I don't want to be stupid, man. 0.99

00:02:27.000 Give me some of that new one. 1.00

00:02:28.000 Okay, I got the new one at home.

00:02:30.000 I have to bring it in.

00:02:31.000 This is the old stuff.

00:02:37.000 See, I just took two.

00:02:40.000 Powerful.

00:02:41.000 Cognitive.

00:02:42.000 Watch how my senses will now flow better.

00:02:44.000 My mind will peak up.

00:02:45.000 Placebo effect, you say?

00:02:46.000 No, I'm just that quick at breaking down gelatin tablets.

00:02:50.000 I know how to... 1.00

00:02:51.000 My body knows how to process that shit. 0.99

00:02:53.000 We also have a bunch of other interesting supplements for working out, for immunity, for mood. 0.99

00:03:01.000 There's serotonin-boosting 5-HTP supplement. 0.98

00:03:04.000 A lot of cool shit. 0.98

00:03:05.000 And go to Onnit.com and you can check it all out. 0.98

00:03:06.000 O-N-N-I-T. And use the code name ROGAN, and you save 10%. 0.97

00:03:10.000 Alright, you dirty freaks. 0.99

00:03:12.000 Probably, my friend, the longest in comedy. 0.99

00:03:16.000 Greg Fitzsimmons is here. 1.00

00:03:18.000 Hit it, bitch! 1.00

00:03:19.000 The Joe Rogan experience. 1.00

00:03:21.000 Train by day!

00:03:22.000 Joe Rogan podcast by night!

00:03:24.000 All day!

00:03:27.000 See that's how you have that musical opening.

00:03:34.000 It's very important if you want to have a show.

00:03:36.000 Greg and I started out probably within like a week of each other, right?

00:03:40.000 Back in Boston. 0.98

00:03:41.000 The old Boston Stitches comedy community, you know, and dude, you and I have gone through some fucking... 0.91

00:03:49.000 We went to some crazy gigs in the beginning, man. 0.87

00:03:52.000 We went through together, we went through like the darkest time for stand-ups.

00:03:57.000 The early days of...

00:03:58.000 Yeah, we went through our personal darkest days, but at the lightest time in comedy.

00:04:03.000 The best time ever.

00:04:04.000 We caught the wave.

00:04:05.000 I see young comics today, and my heart breaks because they got to scrounge up stage time.

00:04:12.000 You and I, I would say, what, less than a year into doing stand-up, we were driving out and making 50 bucks cash five, six nights a week.

00:04:20.000 It was for me, it was exactly one year.

00:04:22.000 I first got paid by Norm LaFoe to open up for Warren McDonald.

00:04:28.000 Peking Garden?

00:04:28.000 I don't know where it was.

00:04:29.000 It was some bar.

00:04:30.000 I was on like an apple box.

00:04:32.000 Like literally.

00:04:33.000 Like standing on an apple box doing comedy. 0.99

00:04:35.000 You can't fucking move. 0.99

00:04:37.000 And, you know, I had a good time. 0.99

00:04:39.000 And then the next time I lurked for Lenny Clark.

00:04:41.000 Those were two times in a row.

00:04:42.000 I got super lucky.

00:04:43.000 Norm LaFoe, like, got me a couple of jokes.

00:04:45.000 Well, you shot up. 1.00

00:04:46.000 You motherfucker, man. 1.00

00:04:48.000 It was like, all of us were like, there was this ascension. 1.00

00:04:51.000 You would go, you'd wait in line to get a spot on Comedy Hell.

00:04:55.000 Open mic night.

00:04:56.000 Stitches Comedy Club.

00:04:57.000 George McDonald would go, welcome to Comedy Hell, where the jokes always die.

00:05:01.000 The comedians, it was this whole thing.

00:05:03.000 And we ran out of booze.

00:05:05.000 Comedy Hell where you can fly as high as the lights on Broadway or crash and burn in a fiery pit known only as Comedy Hell.

00:05:14.000 And that was step one.

00:05:15.000 And then you would get like a guest spot on a real show.

00:05:18.000 And then you would start to get these like, you know, $25 to $50 MC spots where you were driving the headliner somewhere. 1.00

00:05:25.000 And you jumped past all that shit because they would send you out to feature and the headliners couldn't follow you because you were out of your fucking mind. 1.00

00:05:34.000 I mean, you were nuts. 1.00

00:05:35.000 And so they had to headline you. 0.98

00:05:37.000 So you started working like the D rooms by headlining them.

00:05:41.000 So you started to get an hour together super fast.

00:05:44.000 Yeah, I had to.

00:05:45.000 I had to sink or swim. 1.00

00:05:47.000 There's times when Greg and I would make agreements to steal each other's shit if we were bombing. 0.99

00:05:53.000 Remember that? 0.99

00:05:55.000 We'd say, dude, you got my whole act. 0.99

00:05:57.000 If you're eating dick up there, feel free to just... 1.00

00:05:59.000 And you would come back, dude, that blowjob joke killed. 1.00

00:06:03.000 If you're going back to Peabody, you might want to wait on it for a couple of weeks. 0.99

00:06:07.000 Yeah, you may want to let the heat die out of that joke.

00:06:11.000 It was fun for us because we knew.

00:06:13.000 Neither one of us should.

00:06:14.000 There was a point in time where both of us were doing middling gigs and we really didn't have the time.

00:06:19.000 We really didn't have a real solid half hour.

00:06:22.000 So sometimes you just...

00:06:23.000 When you're a young comic and you slip in the beginning of your set, the odds of you pulling yourself out of the fire are...

00:06:31.000 I remember one time I was having a good set and I knocked over a drink and I didn't address it.

00:06:35.000 Yeah.

00:06:36.000 That was it.

00:06:37.000 The audience turned on me.

00:06:38.000 They smelled blood.

00:06:41.000 They knew I was scared.

00:06:42.000 They knew I was...

00:06:42.000 I was killing.

00:06:44.000 Everything was going great.

00:06:45.000 It's all about their uncomfort and you denying...

00:06:48.000 I remember being on...

00:06:49.000 This was probably the cruelest thing anybody ever did to me when I was on stage.

00:06:52.000 It was like, you know, half-filled room.

00:06:55.000 It was always like the back of a Chinese restaurant where they had a banquet room that they just put a microphone up in and call it a comedy night.

00:07:01.000 And...

00:07:02.000 I'm up there tanking it, and I'm not acknowledging that I'm tanking it.

00:07:06.000 And during one of the silences that should have had laughter in it after one of my jokes, I heard this middle-aged woman whisper to her husband.

00:07:12.000 I could hear her whisper. 1.00

00:07:13.000 And she just goes, the poor bastard. 1.00

00:07:16.000 Worse than any heckle. 1.00

00:07:24.000 Oh, God.

00:07:27.000 Jesus Christ.

00:07:30.000 You know, it would be real hard when we'd watch each other. 0.99

00:07:33.000 You know, you watch a friend eat dick in the beginning, too, because you know how devastating it is. 0.98

00:07:38.000 You know, there's some times where you know this guy is not going to pull himself out of this, and he has 15 more minutes to go. 0.99

00:07:45.000 You just watch them slosh through it up there.

00:07:48.000 Is there a way out of it?

00:07:49.000 What do you have to do?

00:07:50.000 Do you just have to stop?

00:07:52.000 We would just steal each other's material.

00:07:54.000 That's where we'd come in.

00:07:55.000 That's where we'd steal a great joke.

00:07:57.000 I knew that there were grenades that I had in my waistband that were Joe's bits. 0.99

00:08:01.000 That they would just take the fucking top off and lob it and you're back in the game. 0.98

00:08:06.000 Yeah, it's like we would help each other. 0.99

00:08:08.000 There was a time where I was headlining where I had no fucking business headlining. 0.90

00:08:13.000 There was no way. 0.91

00:08:14.000 I barely had 40 minutes and they were letting me headline these rooms and I would have to stretch it all out.

00:08:20.000 And if something went wrong, man, it went wrong hard.

00:08:23.000 There's no better motivation to creating new material than when those shows happen and you just fucking have to get to work. 0.92

00:08:30.000 You need more weapons, man. 0.85

00:08:32.000 You run out of weapons too quick.

00:08:33.000 You're up there dying. 1.00

00:08:34.000 Well, especially like you can do the hour when it's going well, you can take that one bit and you can stretch it out, add shit to it. 0.99

00:08:41.000 You're doing improvisational jazz and that hour fills up. 0.98

00:08:44.000 But when they're not laughing, all of a sudden it's like concentrate.

00:08:48.000 Everything shrinks down.

00:08:49.000 And now what you had as 35 minutes...

00:08:53.000 You just ripped through in 17. And now you're scared, so you're tense.

00:08:57.000 And then you've got nowhere to go except the crowd. 0.99

00:08:59.000 So you start fucking with the crowd. 0.98

00:09:01.000 They don't like you now. 1.00

00:09:02.000 They don't like you.

00:09:03.000 You're not making them comfortable.

00:09:05.000 So there's not a nice flow of energy.

00:09:09.000 You're uncomfortable.

00:09:10.000 You can feel it.

00:09:11.000 And the thing about Boston is, and I think it was kind of unique to a lot of other comedy cities, is it is a punchline town.

00:09:19.000 It's bam, bam, bam, bam.

00:09:21.000 You know, they don't want to see something esoteric.

00:09:24.000 They don't want to see a storyteller.

00:09:25.000 They want you to grab them and just smack them around and then walk off stage with your hands in the air.

00:09:30.000 Well, there were guys that were doing it that were so good at it.

00:09:33.000 The best!

00:09:34.000 Yeah, we came up in an era where, you know, I've talked about this a hundred times on the podcast and people always go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:09:40.000 We know they were really good comedians back then.

00:09:42.000 I don't think people even understand what a...

00:09:44.000 It was like a utopia.

00:09:46.000 Boston was like this stand-up comedy utopia.

00:09:49.000 At one point in time, there was five clubs in a tiny little area.

00:09:53.000 Seven night-a-week clubs.

00:09:55.000 Yeah.

00:09:55.000 Remember?

00:09:56.000 Just that one block of Warrantan.

00:09:58.000 Warrantan.

00:09:58.000 There was Nick's Comedy Stop, and then there was Duck Soup, and then there was a Comedy Connection, and then Mike...

00:10:04.000 Mike Clark had the comedy club in the Charles Playhouse above the comedy convention.

00:10:08.000 And then on the weekends, you cut over to Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault about 50 yards away.

00:10:12.000 Craziness.

00:10:13.000 Yeah.

00:10:13.000 And then you get in your car and you drive down the stitches on Com Ave.

00:10:16.000 It's like, holy shit. 0.93

00:10:17.000 Well, and the best part really was, and those were for short sets. 0.99

00:10:20.000 You're doing five, seven minutes.

00:10:21.000 Those were the big clubs.

00:10:23.000 Those were the big ones, but then you and I would get...

00:10:25.000 And this is the thing people don't get today, is that we would get it for a year.

00:10:29.000 Either you get in my car or I get in yours.

00:10:31.000 We'd drive to Providence one night for a 15, 20-minute set for free.

00:10:35.000 All the time.

00:10:36.000 Then we'd go to Hartford one night.

00:10:37.000 Then we'd go to Worcester one night.

00:10:38.000 Then we'd go to Maine one night.

00:10:40.000 We would go anywhere they'd give us, especially a longer set.

00:10:43.000 And then we were lucky enough to come up in a time where...

00:10:47.000 The word comedy in front of a place drew a crowd.

00:10:50.000 You didn't need to have a big name.

00:10:52.000 They just were comedy crazy.

00:10:54.000 And we just happened to be dropped in the middle of it in a city that was a closed system.

00:11:00.000 They didn't have headliners come in from out of town.

00:11:02.000 So there were four or five big local headliners that drew.

00:11:07.000 And the clubs, otherwise, they only booked based on, do you crush?

00:11:11.000 Are you funny?

00:11:12.000 Are you original?

00:11:13.000 So it was a meritocracy.

00:11:15.000 Yeah.

00:11:15.000 And no one ever thought they were going to get famous.

00:11:18.000 Career?

00:11:19.000 If someone used the word career, people would have looked at them confused, like, what are you talking about?

00:11:23.000 All anyone wanted to do was become a big Boston comic.

00:11:27.000 It's like the fame that you wanted was just being accepted amongst your peers and having crowds come to see you.

00:11:33.000 That's it.

00:11:33.000 Even the crowds come to see you, I think, wasn't until later.

00:11:36.000 I think for us it was just... 1.00

00:11:39.000 It's like, you know when you're first fucking a girl and you can't believe she's letting you fuck her after jerking off for three straight years? 1.00

00:11:46.000 That's what it was like when I was doing stand-up in Boston. 1.00

00:11:49.000 They're allowing me these stages that I've watched since I was a teenager in awe.

00:11:54.000 All of a sudden, I'm on it and they're letting me talk.

00:11:56.000 That was it.

00:11:57.000 That's all I needed.

00:11:59.000 You know, one of the first guys I ever saw do a live set was Tom Cotter.

00:12:03.000 Tom Cotter was one of the first guys.

00:12:05.000 He's our buddy from Boston.

00:12:07.000 He's a great guy.

00:12:08.000 And he was in like some sort of, the first time I ever went, some sort of an open mic night.

00:12:13.000 And he was like the first guy that ever went on stage.

00:12:17.000 I remember that.

00:12:18.000 I swear to God, same thing.

00:12:19.000 He was like a knot.

00:12:20.000 He had started maybe two years ahead of us.

00:12:23.000 That guy always used to bum me out. 0.59

00:12:25.000 And the reason why he used to bum me out is because he was so fucking funny to hang out with.

00:12:30.000 But he wanted to take it down a notch. 0.97

00:12:32.000 And he wanted to like, oh, maybe I shouldn't go so dirty.

00:12:36.000 Maybe I shouldn't.

00:12:37.000 And you wanted to go, dude, that's you when you're at your best. 1.00

00:12:39.000 You're a pervert. 1.00

00:12:41.000 You're a crazy, twisted pervert. 1.00

00:12:43.000 He is one of the most twisted dudes ever. 1.00

00:12:46.000 And I don't want to... 0.98

00:12:47.000 I'd rather have him on. 0.99

00:12:48.000 We should have him on and do it together because his stories, the shit that he would do, I can't... 0.99

00:12:55.000 I can't say it on the air. 0.99

00:12:56.000 And I can say anything on the air. 1.00

00:12:58.000 But the shit Tom Cotter did... 1.00

00:13:00.000 He was one of the first guys I know that would walk around with his balls hanging out of his pants. 1.00

00:13:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:13:04.000 One of the first guys. 0.99

00:13:05.000 Like, no one was doing that back when we were 20. You know, we were like 21 or whatever the hell we were.

00:13:09.000 And Tom Cotter's rocking around with his balls hanging out of his pants. 0.98

00:13:12.000 We're like, Jesus... 0.99

00:13:13.000 Yeah, it'd be a Christmas party, and all the comics are there, and he would have hams on his hips, too.

00:13:18.000 It wasn't like he was hiding.

00:13:19.000 Oh, no.

00:13:19.000 And I remember at one point, we were at somebody's house, and there was a dog.

00:13:24.000 It was Oliver's dog, and he had rescued one of those greyhounds. 0.94

00:13:29.000 I think Tom was putting a dill pickle up its ass in the middle of the party. 0.99

00:13:33.000 Like, we were both beyond children. 1.00

00:13:35.000 We were like fucking... 1.00

00:13:37.000 We were like a collection of bad kids. 1.00

00:13:40.000 Yeah.

00:13:41.000 Part of the fun of having a guy like Tom Cotter, too, is because you knew that he would do something like that.

00:13:47.000 You knew he would one-up things. 0.87

00:13:48.000 You knew if there was a bunch of comics hanging around, Cotter would find a way to make something fucked up. 0.80

00:13:53.000 I always felt like he kind of pulled back on stage, though. 0.99

00:13:57.000 In terms of practical jokes, guys like Kevin Knox, may he rest in peace, was one of those guys just fucking... 0.99

00:14:04.000 So fucking funny offstage. 0.96

00:14:06.000 And so me, Cotter, and Noxie are working at a place in Maine called the Laughing Lobster, which started to have slow business and suddenly burnt down in the middle of a wet summer. 0.96

00:14:17.000 And so we're up there and we're staying.

00:14:19.000 There's a condo complex that we're staying in, which was pretty upscale.

00:14:22.000 And they got a pool. 0.99

00:14:23.000 And there was all these hot fucking chicks from Montreal that come down to that part of Maine. 1.00

00:14:28.000 So we're going to go down to the pool and I don't have my bathing suit. 1.00

00:14:31.000 And they're like, fuck it. 0.99

00:14:32.000 You got boxer shorts. 1.00

00:14:33.000 Just wear your boxer shorts down.

00:14:35.000 So they head down, and I walk down to the pool.

00:14:37.000 I open the gate, and I walk in, and it's packed, and they're on the far end of the pool.

00:14:40.000 And I make it about halfway down the pool, and they both stand up and start screaming, Greg, what are you doing in your underwear? 0.99

00:14:46.000 And the whole fucking pool starts laughing at me. 0.99

00:14:49.000 You turned around, red-faced, and ran back to the condo. 1.00

00:14:52.000 Set me up the whole time.

00:15:01.000 It is a funny thing, though. 0.99

00:15:03.000 There is a fucking distinction between, you know, a pair of shorts and boxer shorts. 0.98

00:15:08.000 It's just the thickness of the cloth at that point. 0.99

00:15:10.000 Well, it's the same thing of, like, you see women in bikinis on the beach all the time.

00:15:13.000 That's underwear.

00:15:14.000 And it's fine. 1.00

00:15:14.000 You see men in underwear, you lose your shit. 1.00

00:15:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:17.000 Oh my god.

00:15:18.000 I saw, you know Natasha Leggero?

00:15:20.000 Yes.

00:15:20.000 She was on my podcast last week and she asked me to do, she does a show at Largo, which is like, you know, one of those- Hipster.

00:15:27.000 Natasha and Friends.

00:15:29.000 And so she brings me on.

00:15:32.000 She's about to bring me on.

00:15:33.000 She goes, I just got to change outfits.

00:15:35.000 She was putting on some kind of costume for this bit. 0.99

00:15:37.000 So she goes in the next room, but there's mirrors everywhere, and I can see her, and she gets down to a thong and those little things that hold your tits up underneath. 1.00

00:15:46.000 You just sat there and watched it? 0.98

00:15:47.000 No, I swear to God, I was going over my notes and it was like bing, bing, bing off the mirrors and I got a complete shot and just a beautiful, beautiful body.

00:15:57.000 You should have taken a photo.

00:15:58.000 You should have just started stroking it.

00:15:59.000 Can you imagine?

00:16:00.000 Get a lock of your hair. 1.00

00:16:01.000 You were just grabbing your own balls and just... 1.00

00:16:06.000 Real weird. 1.00

00:16:07.000 Working the head. 1.00

00:16:08.000 A lot of twisty shit on the head. 1.00

00:16:10.000 Go overhand on it. 1.00

00:16:11.000 A lot of weird twisty shit on the head. 1.00

00:16:14.000 Spitting on it. 1.00

00:16:16.000 So then she brings me on.

00:16:17.000 Of course, I have to say it in front of the theater.

00:16:19.000 I just saw her in her underwear and I can't really speak.

00:16:21.000 So she came on my show.

00:16:23.000 And I was just like, yeah, it's weird.

00:16:25.000 I mean, if it had been a bathing suit, it wouldn't have struck me.

00:16:27.000 But seeing somebody, especially my favorite thing is, strip clubs do nothing for me.

00:16:31.000 But if I happen to see a woman naked through a window in an apartment, nudity doesn't get better than that. 1.00

00:16:37.000 It has to be found like voyeur nudity.

00:16:39.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:16:40.000 Brian, don't you have the same thing with, like, you watching amateur porn?

00:16:43.000 Yeah, I can't even do regular porn because I know there's, like, five cameramen in there.

00:16:46.000 I'd rather have, like, stolen laptop porn, you know, or, like, ex-boyfriend getting revenge by sending out photos and videos of, like, his ex-girlfriend.

00:16:54.000 That's what I need.

00:16:55.000 I need realistic.

00:16:56.000 Same reason why I can't watch, like, a TV show with a laugh track.

00:16:59.000 I feel like it's fake, you know?

00:17:01.000 Of course.

00:17:01.000 Well, have you seen my new favorite porn, which is the casting couch stuff?

00:17:06.000 Yeah, casting catches.

00:17:07.000 But you can't even believe that.

00:17:09.000 That's all fake.

00:17:10.000 No, it's not.

00:17:11.000 That is not fake.

00:17:11.000 Don't say it.

00:17:12.000 Don't say it to Greg.

00:17:13.000 There's two moments I look for.

00:17:15.000 All right.

00:17:16.000 One is the hello when they come in.

00:17:18.000 I want to see if there's a...

00:17:19.000 Because, look, I studied acting, and we spent fucking six months on answering a door in a scene and how you react to not knowing what's on the other side of the door, opening it, and then is it real?

00:17:29.000 I look for that. 0.93

00:17:30.000 Okay.

00:17:31.000 And then the moment that it goes from...

00:17:33.000 I'm here to do a topless photo shoot to... 1.00

00:17:37.000 He says, I want you to suck my dick. 1.00

00:17:39.000 It's always... 1.00

00:17:40.000 You'll make $1,000 to $5,000 a day.

00:17:43.000 I'm the producer.

00:17:43.000 I make the tape.

00:17:44.000 I send it to the buyers.

00:17:46.000 It goes through me.

00:17:47.000 We want to see if you can follow direction.

00:17:48.000 And the girl's on...

00:17:49.000 She's online.

00:17:50.000 She wants a job. 1.00

00:17:50.000 She hears the money. 1.00

00:17:51.000 All of a sudden, the fucking morality goes way down. 1.00

00:17:54.000 And then the moment always builds to where he goes, I want you to suck my dick. 1.00

00:17:58.000 And you see them go fucking vacant. 1.00

00:18:01.000 You see their eyes just go like... 0.98

00:18:03.000 What?

00:18:04.000 And I'm telling you.

00:18:06.000 And you know what though?

00:18:07.000 It's real.

00:18:07.000 They have to have sex tests before, like STD tests before.

00:18:11.000 They have to have paperwork.

00:18:12.000 They have to have a location shoot given by the city to have a permit to shoot in the house.

00:18:16.000 It's in Arizona.

00:18:18.000 Yeah, but they still have to have tests.

00:18:19.000 Nope.

00:18:20.000 No tests in Arizona?

00:18:21.000 My friend is the head in the health department of California.

00:18:26.000 He's the head of STDs.

00:18:27.000 And they've been fighting.

00:18:28.000 You know, they had a big breakthrough last week where they have to wear condoms in L.A. County now.

00:18:32.000 How can you call that a breakthrough?

00:18:34.000 Because it's a workplace.

00:18:35.000 People should not die of AIDS in a workplace that's legal.

00:18:39.000 And it's more realistic that they're wearing condoms.

00:18:41.000 That's what I assume. 0.98

00:18:43.000 They're allowed to take it off and still do the bukkake shot to the face. 1.00

00:18:46.000 They can freestyle that. 0.78

00:18:47.000 That doesn't give you AIDS, right?

00:18:49.000 No.

00:18:49.000 I don't think so.

00:18:50.000 Would you take AIDS-ridden loads on your face? 0.99

00:18:53.000 It depends on if the guy was white or black. 0.99

00:18:55.000 There's a couple of things you've okayed before the white-black thing. 0.92

00:19:09.000 Oh, my God.

00:19:13.000 Yeah, I mean, that's the thing.

00:19:15.000 Put your money where your mouth is.

00:19:16.000 Yeah, it seems... 0.95

00:19:17.000 I mean, look, I absolutely agree with testing and all that stuff, but I don't want to watch porn unless they're not wearing a condom.

00:19:23.000 Sorry. 0.90

00:19:25.000 Sounds gross.

00:19:26.000 Maybe I'm disgusting. 0.99

00:19:26.000 If they're going to do a test for me to feel good about porn, I want to know that her parents are no longer living. 0.99

00:19:32.000 I don't want to know that there's a dad out there that might see this someday.

00:19:37.000 Well, the last thing I want to know is that she's doing it because she didn't have the love of her parents.

00:19:41.000 And if her parents are dead, that's the first thing I'm going to think of. 0.57

00:19:43.000 And then it's a boner killer right there, son. 1.00

00:19:46.000 Yeah, but do you want to be thinking that while you're jerking off, her dad's jerking off, finds the clip, can you imagine jerking off and then your daughter pops up? 1.00

00:19:55.000 That would be... 1.00

00:19:56.000 Is that a suicide moment?

00:19:58.000 There was a... 1.00

00:20:00.000 Because you've already got the erection. 0.98

00:20:02.000 It's not like you stumbled on it flaccid. 0.96

00:20:05.000 You rock hard, you change clips, as we do, and then it pops up. 1.00

00:20:10.000 Your daughter, naked, having sex, you've got an erection, your dick's probably in your hand. 1.00

00:20:16.000 Suicide moment? 1.00

00:20:17.000 No.

00:20:18.000 No, you just stopped beating off.

00:20:21.000 Why would you do that?

00:20:22.000 Wait, how old is his daughter supposed to be?

00:20:24.000 You know, like, you go, listen, I just learned some disturbing news, and as soon as I get rid of this load, I am going to address the situation.

00:20:33.000 You've got to prioritize.

00:20:34.000 Jump right back on it.

00:20:35.000 You're looking.

00:20:35.000 This doesn't have to stop.

00:20:36.000 This is this boner that's been achieved.

00:20:38.000 A boner that's been achieved should be released.

00:20:41.000 So you're saying open a new window, minimize that one. 1.00

00:20:44.000 Don't tease your dick. 1.00

00:20:44.000 Come back to it. 1.00

00:20:45.000 Just because your dick didn't make the mistake. 1.00

00:20:48.000 Your daughter made the mistake. 1.00

00:20:50.000 So give your dick its medicine. 1.00

00:20:51.000 Interesting. 1.00

00:20:53.000 Your dick is really more important than your daughter. 1.00

00:20:56.000 Could you imagine if you just kept going, like, God damn it, I'm gonna yell at her! 1.00

00:20:59.000 I am gonna yell at you! 0.99

00:21:01.000 It accentuates your orgasm, because now you get too mad at somebody.

00:21:06.000 What if you came and it was your best orgasm ever, and you realize, and it's the kind of nirvana that if you can't get back to it, you don't know what you'll do?

00:21:13.000 Chasing the dragon.

00:21:14.000 You gotta keep chasing that dragon.

00:21:16.000 And that dragon's your daughter.

00:21:18.000 What would you do?

00:21:19.000 Watching your daughter, but you can only be shocked by it once. 1.00

00:21:22.000 Unless you just became a freak and you were into watching your daughter get fucked. 1.00

00:21:25.000 That's like those 70s porn movies. 1.00

00:21:27.000 It was always like the preacher, dad, and his daughter. 0.99

00:21:30.000 They used to go fucking deep on those 70s. 0.98

00:21:32.000 Like, do you watch Dave's old porn at all on Showtime? 0.96

00:21:34.000 David Tell's show?

00:21:35.000 No, I haven't seen it.

00:21:35.000 It's him watching classic old porn with the actors from it.

00:21:39.000 And I watched one of them, and it was like, it was a preacher, dad, and he ends up, you know, hitting on his daughter and seducing her, and then they fuck. 0.99

00:21:46.000 And that's what a lot of those movies were. 0.99

00:21:48.000 They were really Oedipal, and there was a lot of, like, rapey stuff.

00:21:52.000 Rapey? 1.00

00:21:52.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:21:54.000 Rapey. 1.00

00:21:54.000 Not full-on rapey. 1.00

00:21:56.000 Right.

00:21:56.000 Yeah.

00:21:57.000 Yeah.

00:21:58.000 It's interesting how times have changed when it comes to treating women.

00:22:02.000 There was something I was watching, that J. Edgar Hoover show, the movie, rather, with Leonardo DiCaprio.

00:22:12.000 Pretty good movie.

00:22:12.000 But one of the most interesting aspects of it is how the G-Man, before the G-Man became like the symbol that everybody wanted to achieve, and everybody wanted to be a G-Man, all these young kids growing up.

00:22:22.000 Before, it was like James Cagney playing like these gangsters.

00:22:26.000 White Heat.

00:22:27.000 And he would always like smush something in the girl's face, or slap her in the face, and like, hey, hey, guys would be laughing. 0.52

00:22:34.000 And I was like, yeah, look at all the violence that they would do to women. 0.98

00:22:37.000 I know. 0.67

00:22:38.000 Women would say something crazy, and they would smack! 1.00

00:22:40.000 Right across the face. 0.99

00:22:42.000 To the moon.

00:22:42.000 And everybody was cool with it.

00:22:43.000 It's like they were the men that were taking control of the situation.

00:22:46.000 Like, she needed a smack right there. 1.00

00:22:47.000 Yeah, she had something...

00:22:49.000 Like, you were helping her.

00:22:50.000 She had lost it, and you were helping her get back.

00:22:53.000 Like, I remember The Quiet Man with John Wayne.

00:22:55.000 Remember?

00:22:55.000 It was like his wife was...

00:22:57.000 The brother was supposed to give him a dowry, and he didn't. 1.00

00:23:00.000 And he fucking drags her through the fields by her hair, slapping her. 0.99

00:23:03.000 And the town's cheering. 1.00

00:23:05.000 And you're watching...

00:23:05.000 And it's like a feel-good movie.

00:23:06.000 And you're, like, happy that he's finally standing up to his wife and...

00:23:10.000 Jesus Christ! 0.97

00:23:12.000 Do you remember High Plains Drifter when he rapes the chick in a barn?

00:23:16.000 John Wayne?

00:23:16.000 Clint Eastwood.

00:23:17.000 Clint Eastwood raped a chick in a barn, and it's like the way he treated her, it's like, yeah, that's what guys used to do. 1.00

00:23:22.000 They would hold a girl down, pull her pants down, and just fuck her if they could get away with it, if no one was around. 1.00

00:23:28.000 That is what they would do. 1.00

00:23:29.000 You know what occurred to me the other day?

00:23:30.000 Are we the only species that doesn't... 0.77

00:23:34.000 Rape? 0.99

00:23:35.000 Yeah, I mean, is there sex between any other animals that's consensual? 0.97

00:23:39.000 Yeah, there is.

00:23:40.000 There's one animal.

00:23:40.000 I can't remember what it is right now.

00:23:42.000 Sure.

00:23:42.000 Of course there is.

00:23:43.000 Yeah, women want to get fucked. 1.00

00:23:45.000 I mean, they do in our society, too. 1.00

00:23:47.000 They just don't want to get fucked by all the men. 0.99

00:23:48.000 Hence the problem. 0.99

00:23:49.000 The problem is that there's judgment. 1.00

00:23:51.000 The problem is that it's not that people on this side don't want to fuck, can't find people on that side willing to fuck. 0.99

00:23:55.000 That's not what it is. 0.99

00:23:56.000 It's just there's a lot of judgment going on.

00:23:58.000 Yeah.

00:23:58.000 People are deciding, no, I don't like you.

00:24:00.000 No, I don't want you. 1.00

00:24:02.000 They want some dick. 1.00

00:24:03.000 They just don't want your dick. 1.00

00:24:04.000 And that gets people angry. 1.00

00:24:05.000 Hence the rapey. 0.96

00:24:07.000 Wow.

00:24:08.000 So it's sociological.

00:24:09.000 It's not biological.

00:24:10.000 There's biological and sociological.

00:24:12.000 But it was purely biological. 0.99

00:24:14.000 It could all be cured with masturbation. 0.95

00:24:15.000 There's a sociological aspect to it that women are not attracted to you and you get angry. 1.00

00:24:20.000 You want to force yourself on them because it's what you want. 1.00

00:24:23.000 You want them to want you to fuck them. 1.00

00:24:24.000 They don't want to fuck you. 1.00

00:24:25.000 You're gross. 1.00

00:24:26.000 You're gross to them. 1.00

00:24:28.000 Me, specifically? 0.99

00:24:29.000 No, not you.

00:24:29.000 It's whoever we're talking about.

00:24:30.000 It's a rapist. 0.98

00:24:31.000 You're not a rapist. 0.99

00:24:32.000 No, no, no.

00:24:34.000 So, I think, you know, it's more psychological, I think, and sociological than it even is physiological.

00:24:41.000 I don't know. 0.61

00:24:42.000 You're raping and you have no arms. 0.98

00:24:44.000 Yeah, well, that's not rape. 1.00

00:24:45.000 If you're, like, holding a girl down with your stubs and you're fucking her. 1.00

00:24:48.000 Oh, you don't have arms. 1.00

00:24:50.000 Yeah, you can't masturbate. 0.99

00:24:52.000 So this is the only reason you're just like, look, I don't want to rape anybody, but I gotta do what I gotta do. 0.99

00:24:56.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:24:57.000 I gotta think, if you get raped by a guy with no arms, were you really trying not to be raped? 1.00

00:25:02.000 Dude, I bet you there's a lot of dudes with no arms that could rape the fuck out of you. 1.00

00:25:06.000 Real strong ones. 0.99

00:25:08.000 Like farmhand guys.

00:25:09.000 Just two stubs. 0.99

00:25:10.000 Just a big guy with some thick thighs. 0.56

00:25:13.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:25:13.000 Guy who knows how to pin you down with his weight.

00:25:15.000 Wait, does he put his dick in me or the arm? 1.00

00:25:16.000 Hell yeah. 1.00

00:25:17.000 Everything.

00:25:18.000 Whatever.

00:25:19.000 Ugh. 1.00

00:25:20.000 The arm is just loosening your asshole up for his cock, because that's how big his cock is. 1.00

00:25:24.000 Damn! 1.00

00:25:25.000 How about that? 1.00

00:25:27.000 See, it's a trick movie.

00:25:29.000 You think, well, this guy's going to use his stuff. 1.00

00:25:30.000 Holy shit, he's going to ruin it for the penis. 1.00

00:25:33.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:25:34.000 And you're not looking back. 1.00

00:25:35.000 You don't know if it's the arm of the dick. 0.99

00:25:37.000 You don't even care anymore. 1.00

00:25:38.000 You're milking a cow.

00:25:38.000 You're just loving it.

00:25:39.000 You're so happy that you're not in your mom's care anymore.

00:25:44.000 I love those summer outreach programs.

00:25:47.000 No, but it is interesting, though, because that was the whole, you know, feminist movement was saying that rape was a crime of power and not a crime of biology. 1.00

00:25:57.000 But then kind of now the new thinking on it by the postmodern feminists is that that was bullshit, that no, it is men get horny, and it is partially what you're saying, that it is about, you know, I've been rejected and I'm more physically powerful, so I'm going to rape. 0.98

00:26:12.000 But that there is also, like, guys that are so fucking wired for sex And something's off and that it's about the physical act of sex as well. 0.99

00:26:21.000 It's not purely one or the other. 0.98

00:26:23.000 I agree.

00:26:25.000 It's a broad spectrum. 0.96

00:26:26.000 A lot of reasons to rape. 0.96

00:26:29.000 It's just one more bullying.

00:26:31.000 One more example of people trying to get people to do things that they don't want to do.

00:26:35.000 There's a lot of people that like to do that.

00:26:37.000 There's a lot of people that like to be the boss.

00:26:39.000 They like to get people to do things they don't want to do.

00:26:41.000 They like to yell at people.

00:26:43.000 There's a lot of people that would love to be a cop just so they could yell Yeah.

00:26:49.000 A lot of judgment going on with human beings, you know?

00:26:53.000 Yeah, and religion is, is it a manifestation of that or the cause of that?

00:26:59.000 It's a manifestation, I think.

00:27:00.000 I think if it wasn't a religion, somebody would make something up.

00:27:03.000 We look so hard for someone to have the answers that it's almost impossible for someone with a big ego to not take advantage.

00:27:11.000 So some crazy dude would come along with the answers all of a sudden, and then boom, you'd have a new religion.

00:27:16.000 So our longing, you know, it's like we have... 0.98

00:27:20.000 An amazing ability to control our environment right now, you know, with planes and the internet and our physical infrastructure of our cities is an amazing ability, but yet we're still trying to figure out why the fuck we're here, what is sex and breeding, what is the purpose of making more people if I'm just going to die and everyone else is going to die eventually too? 0.51

00:27:41.000 What is our purpose here? 0.98

00:27:42.000 What the fuck is this really all about? 0.98

00:27:44.000 Isn't it amazing that that is really the core? 0.99

00:27:47.000 Those three or four questions you just asked, there is no close second to importance in questions in life, and they're the ones you never hear talked about.

00:27:56.000 And when everyone brings them up, you belittle it.

00:27:58.000 It's like, yeah, man.

00:28:00.000 You're depressed.

00:28:01.000 If you're thinking like that, you're depressed.

00:28:03.000 I wouldn't want to be you, man.

00:28:04.000 I had a friend who was a very nice guy, but he's a Mormon. 1.00

00:28:08.000 And him and his wife had dinner with me, and they were asking me about higher powers, if I believed in higher power.

00:28:17.000 And I said, I don't not believe.

00:28:19.000 I don't disbelieve.

00:28:21.000 It's never been proven to me, but it might be possible.

00:28:26.000 And the woman actually said, I don't think I could sleep if I thought that way.

00:28:31.000 If I had those questions not answered, I go, wow.

00:28:34.000 But what if there was no answer?

00:28:36.000 What if there really was no answer?

00:28:38.000 It's not like you couldn't get them answered.

00:28:40.000 It's like the answer doesn't exist right now.

00:28:42.000 You don't have access to it.

00:28:44.000 So everything else is just speculation.

00:28:45.000 At a certain point in time, we have to accept that. 1.00

00:28:47.000 We have to accept the fact that there's too much evidence that people are full of shit and these stories are terrible. 0.99

00:28:53.000 Well, I think God in most languages is interpreted as the unknowable. 0.99

00:28:59.000 In a sense, it puts the onus on you.

00:29:01.000 I don't think that true spirituality comes out of more of that idea of Taoism, where there is this force of nature that is positive and flows, and by humbling your ego, you can become a part of that force.

00:29:15.000 That's as clear as that.

00:29:15.000 As close as I think, if you really boil down most Eastern thought, it comes down to that selflessness and getting into a place where the power, obviously something is making the flowers bloom, the sun's setting at the same time, all the shit that you can count on.

00:29:29.000 There's a cycle. 0.80

00:29:30.000 There's a cycle.

00:29:31.000 And it works on a micro level and a macro level.

00:29:35.000 It's all consistent in a way that you go, all right, there's something. 0.99

00:29:40.000 But then to say that you know what that is is where the bullshit starts. 0.99

00:29:44.000 Of course. 1.00

00:29:44.000 To me, it always starts with a, like what you were saying, there's a volcano. 1.00

00:29:48.000 People get scared and there's always one guy who's so fucking cocky that he goes, he's always got a robe. 0.97

00:29:53.000 There's always a guy in a robe. 0.99

00:29:55.000 It's got, I'm gonna go talk to God.

00:29:57.000 He doesn't talk to you.

00:29:59.000 He'll talk to me and he just decides that and then he leaves for a little while and he comes back and goes, here's what he said.

00:30:05.000 You guys should give me 10%.

00:30:07.000 That was his first thing. 0.97

00:30:08.000 And then this other shit that's gonna placate all your fears and is gonna make you ashamed, which will make you feel comfortable. 0.99

00:30:14.000 It's just a pimp game. 0.99

00:30:15.000 Yeah.

00:30:16.000 It's always been.

00:30:16.000 There's no answers.

00:30:17.000 That's what people need to know.

00:30:19.000 But the idea that there's no God, that there's absolutely no deity, absolutely there's no intelligence to the whole process, I don't believe that either.

00:30:29.000 I don't see any evidence that there isn't a very distinct mathematical progression to everything in the universe.

00:30:36.000 And I don't know if you can say that there's not a purpose for that.

00:30:40.000 I don't know if you can define if an intelligent form of life or consciousness or whatever the fuck it is created it or if it's just the ethic of the universe that things always get more complicated, including intelligent life and technology and all these different things.

00:30:53.000 It's just everything will continue to get more complicated, period.

00:30:56.000 That's how the universe works.

00:30:58.000 I mean, that might be it.

00:31:00.000 Well, if you look at it, I always say to people that are completely, you know, Which is the one where you don't believe in any God at all?

00:31:06.000 Agnostic. 0.84

00:31:08.000 Agnostic is nothing. 1.00

00:31:09.000 Well, no.

00:31:09.000 Agnostic is you don't know.

00:31:10.000 You don't believe there is a God.

00:31:12.000 You don't believe there's not a God.

00:31:13.000 It hasn't been proven.

00:31:15.000 Atheism is a lack.

00:31:16.000 Total denial of any God.

00:31:18.000 It's a lack of a non-belief in a deity, a non-theism.

00:31:22.000 Well, atheist, I will say, too.

00:31:24.000 Okay, so then that means that you're purely Darwinist.

00:31:27.000 Evolution, that it's the survival of the fittest. 0.96

00:31:30.000 I think you can be an atheist and still be open to something fucking crazy that no one's ever considered. 0.87

00:31:35.000 It just hasn't been proven yet. 0.83

00:31:36.000 I don't think any atheist is absolutely positive that when they die, the energy ceases to exist, and they do not pass into another form of existence.

00:31:46.000 I don't think people are saying that.

00:31:48.000 I think what they're saying is that I don't buy religion.

00:31:51.000 I'm not buying the God concept.

00:31:53.000 I'm not buying the man in the sky.

00:31:54.000 I'm not buying any of that.

00:31:55.000 I think that's what they're saying.

00:31:57.000 And the agnostics are kind of like riding the fence on that. 0.96

00:31:59.000 They don't want to piss people off.

00:32:01.000 So they're like, well, who knows?

00:32:02.000 Sort of an AA belief in God.

00:32:04.000 The higher power.

00:32:05.000 Exactly.

00:32:05.000 The 12-step guy.

00:32:07.000 Because if you deny that there's any kind of...

00:32:09.000 There was this movie that people hated that I actually really like called Tree of Life.

00:32:13.000 Did you see that?

00:32:14.000 Tree of Life.

00:32:14.000 What was it?

00:32:14.000 It was really spacey.

00:32:17.000 There were no words for 45 minutes.

00:32:19.000 And the theme of it was grace versus nature.

00:32:23.000 And it got me thinking a lot about if you're going to be a pure evolutionist and believe that science is this thing that in infinite possibilities we are one possibility.

00:32:35.000 And that all the things that are happening right now are a result of complete, freaky, but yet logical science.

00:32:44.000 And I say, well, if that's true, and evolution's the key, why do we have handicap ramps?

00:32:49.000 Why do we have welfare?

00:32:51.000 Why do we have affirmative action?

00:32:52.000 It wouldn't exist.

00:32:54.000 You know, liberals are the ones that believe that there is no God, or that they downplay the God thing, and they're the ones that are constantly promoting what I would call grace, you know, kindness.

00:33:04.000 Kindness doesn't exist in the animal kingdom.

00:33:06.000 It's like what we were talking about with rape.

00:33:07.000 You know, not raping is kindness, because you could rape, But you don't.

00:33:13.000 That's grace. 0.97

00:33:13.000 Something is in us, whether it's shame sociologically, but if you look at it more in the bigger picture of I'm a liberal, and yet I am voting against my best interests because there's something in me. 0.97

00:33:27.000 And I don't believe in any prescribed religion, but there's something in me in my gut that feels like Jesus did, you know?

00:33:36.000 So you can't have both.

00:33:37.000 You can't have evolution and completely deny that there is some kind of a spirit within our process as humans that's guiding us towards something kinder than complete survival of the fittest.

00:33:50.000 Yeah, I think that's what the one thing that we are.

00:33:53.000 We're an animal, but we're also the next stage of animals where we're aware of who we are and we contemplate our existence.

00:34:01.000 And when you contemplate your existence and you're an intelligent life form, you should always be seeking to improve.

00:34:07.000 If you're always seeking to improve, the thing that you look at is like, what has brought me the most positive results?

00:34:12.000 Well, it's kindness.

00:34:13.000 It's kindness.

00:34:13.000 Friendship.

00:34:14.000 The connection with human beings on a very positive level where you build up a trust and you have warmth and friendship and you root for each other and you share in each other's bounty and you build together.

00:34:27.000 We all know inherently in our heads that kindness is like one of the best gifts you can bestow another human being.

00:34:35.000 Whether it's giving them food when they don't have any or helping them out or hooking them up or doing something to help them.

00:34:40.000 Or being around them and complimenting them. 0.99

00:34:43.000 Whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

00:34:44.000 We know that inherently that feels great. 0.99

00:34:46.000 And we know it.

00:34:47.000 We know that that's the next.

00:34:49.000 We have to figure out how to use our resources together so that we can be like that all the time. 0.97

00:34:53.000 Well, as a person, I see it because I know when I was younger, like you, super fucking competitive. 0.87

00:35:00.000 You know, just look at stand-up. 0.90

00:35:01.000 I mean, you and I, I think, probably pushed ourselves as hard as we possibly could for about 10 years nonstop.

00:35:06.000 And then I got to a certain age where, like, now...

00:35:10.000 I appreciate it.

00:35:11.000 Hanging out with you today just felt so fucking great.

00:35:14.000 Yeah, we had a good time. 0.73

00:35:15.000 Somebody has a shared history with you that has similar visions on life and things.

00:35:20.000 That wasn't as important to me when I was in my early 20s.

00:35:23.000 All I cared about was competing, winning.

00:35:27.000 Creatively, I enjoyed it all.

00:35:29.000 But I think as you get older, you start to really understand what you just said, that the kindness and the connection is where it's all at.

00:35:36.000 You look at all these studies on, they're doing a lot of sort of quantifiable happiness, you know, studies on what brings us happiness.

00:35:42.000 It always comes down, it's never about money.

00:35:44.000 Yeah, I think it's always about doing what you actually want to be doing with your life as far as if you have an inner creative expression to get out.

00:35:51.000 And there's a lot of people that always wanted to be singers and they just for whatever reason never pursued it.

00:35:55.000 Yeah.

00:35:56.000 So they just sing around their house and they always wonder what could have been if they just tried to be a singer.

00:36:00.000 That's one form of, that could bum you out.

00:36:03.000 That's one form of a roadblock in your life.

00:36:06.000 The depressed feeling that you didn't try, that you didn't try to reach your potential.

00:36:11.000 You didn't go after what is intriguing to you.

00:36:14.000 We all have almost like a beacon that pulls us in a certain direction.

00:36:17.000 With some people, it's nursing.

00:36:18.000 With some people, it's construction and architecture.

00:36:20.000 Being a parent for some people.

00:36:22.000 For us, it was stand-up.

00:36:23.000 It was really simple.

00:36:24.000 And it's like there's something...

00:36:28.000 The happiness that's involved in pursuing your inherent desires is unappreciated.

00:36:36.000 It's underappreciated.

00:36:37.000 People think, well, all you have to do is find a career.

00:36:39.000 Yes, all you have to do is find a career, but I guarantee you there's one out there that you really, really want to do. 1.00

00:36:45.000 Unless it's just like, I want to be famous, then you're an asshole. 1.00

00:36:48.000 Well, that's what I was going to say. 1.00

00:36:49.000 The key is that, you know, we're in Hollywood and I see a lot of misdirected what you're saying.

00:36:54.000 You see people that think that being famous is going to bring them happiness, which you certainly have more experience with fame than I do, but you probably would say that it is marginally helps you be happier with giving you maybe some possibilities, but it does not deliver you happiness.

00:37:09.000 Yeah, it's managed madness is what it is.

00:37:12.000 You've traded the whole universe.

00:37:15.000 Brian, how dare you keep that thing on?

00:37:18.000 Is that the clock on the wall?

00:37:18.000 I don't know how to turn it off.

00:37:19.000 I'm going to take care of it, don't worry.

00:37:23.000 It's a managed form of madness because the whole world has changed.

00:37:27.000 And now everywhere you go, people will know who you are, but you won't know who they are.

00:37:32.000 And when you start becoming famous, it's like one out of a hundred.

00:37:36.000 Then it becomes one out of ten.

00:37:38.000 One out of three.

00:37:39.000 When you're Tom Cruise, it's everybody.

00:37:41.000 I'm not everybody, but it's enough so that it's weird.

00:37:44.000 It's enough so that your reality shifts and then everywhere you go.

00:37:49.000 And people have their own...

00:37:50.000 Also, they have predetermined perceptions of you based on your work. 0.99

00:37:54.000 Or it's something they read that you said or somebody who met you and, oh, he was a dick. 0.97

00:37:59.000 What strikes me as kind of creepy is that if they recognize you, you're going to see their best side. 0.98

00:38:05.000 Most likely.

00:38:06.000 You know, there's the freaks, but most likely they're going to say, look, I'm meeting Joe Rogan.

00:38:09.000 I'm going to tell my friends about this.

00:38:11.000 I want to have as deep of a connection as quickly as possible as I can.

00:38:16.000 So you're getting all this energy focused on you.

00:38:18.000 Yes.

00:38:19.000 Constantly.

00:38:20.000 I just saw it when we played pool.

00:38:21.000 I mean, five or six different people came up to you and wanted pictures.

00:38:24.000 And the thing is, is you're not necessarily, once you get over the novelty of, hey, people recognize me, you're really giving.

00:38:31.000 You're just giving people something.

00:38:34.000 Just being nice.

00:38:35.000 Yeah, you know, you're being nice, but for them, it's like...

00:38:40.000 A positive little experience.

00:38:41.000 I like that when I meet somebody, I'm going to know if they're a douche or not because if they don't know me, then I'm going to see who they really are.

00:38:48.000 But if they recognize me, then it's going to be, I'm not going to see this person.

00:38:52.000 It's true. 0.97

00:38:53.000 They may talk shit behind my back or whatever, but when I see them, they're gonna have a little bit of an agenda to be nicer or try to form more of a relationship than they would have otherwise. 0.98

00:39:02.000 And that's confusing. 0.98

00:39:03.000 That really throws you off.

00:39:04.000 It can.

00:39:05.000 It can if you're not an analytical person.

00:39:07.000 Look, I think the most difficult person to figure out always is ourselves. 0.92

00:39:11.000 And I think most people, at least, Don't have nearly enough inner dialogue where they sit themselves down and go over all the different shit that they're thinking and doing. 0.86

00:39:22.000 Most people don't understand their own mind. 0.99

00:39:25.000 And if you block shit in your life, if you... 0.99

00:39:28.000 I've seen it so many times with guys that are in the closet. 1.00

00:39:31.000 Guys that are in the closet that are gay and they become huge boozers and they're just blocking out this part of their brain because they're living their life in this tortured state. 0.99

00:39:43.000 I think that's a big issue for people. 0.97

00:39:46.000 No, Kevin Meany, who's a dear friend of mine, was like a mentor for me coming up in stand-up, and he came out of the closet, I want to say he was close to 50, with a kid, and the guy had a drinking problem, he was overweight, and then he came out of the closet, he's fucking trim, he's happy, he's got new material, and I mean, I just saw this load come off his shoulders and onto his face.

00:40:09.000 Yeah.

00:40:10.000 I think you know yourself better when you don't have secrets. 0.99

00:40:14.000 You don't have bullshit in your head when you don't have problems. 0.98

00:40:16.000 What was your biggest secret that came out in adulthood for you? 1.00

00:40:21.000 Because you changed.

00:40:22.000 That's a good question.

00:40:22.000 You're somebody that, let me just preface it by saying this.

00:40:25.000 Okay.

00:40:25.000 You're somebody who I think really significantly changed in the time I've known you, and not in a bad way.

00:40:30.000 You went from being a guy, you never touched marijuana, drinking, nothing. 0.94

00:40:37.000 And you were hardcore, you were confrontational, and in an honest way, it's what made you a good comedian early, is you took shit straight on, and you didn't back off. 0.95

00:40:48.000 But you were always curious. 0.66

00:40:50.000 And I saw the curious side of you kind of expand as you got older and then I saw you expand your mind with you know different methods and yet it's like you're still you but people don't really change usually in life and it seems like something happened to you at a certain point like you had an epiphany or something.

00:41:10.000 Well, one thing is I got an isolation tank.

00:41:13.000 And the isolation tank, there's never been a bigger tool for me in terms of personal development than the tank.

00:41:22.000 Because the tank is you completely alone only with your thoughts. 0.99

00:41:27.000 And there's no way to distract yourself with activities, with chronic masturbation, with fucking watching TV shows when you're flipping through channels late at night when you really should be sleeping. 0.99

00:41:35.000 There's no way to distract yourself from your innermost thoughts when you're in there. 0.99

00:41:39.000 There's nothing there but you.

00:41:40.000 You don't even get your body in there because your body's in the warm water.

00:41:43.000 It doesn't feel the water after a while.

00:41:44.000 There's so much salt you're floating.

00:41:46.000 So, in that environment, you're forced to take a lot of your ideas head-on, and like, is this a correct thought?

00:41:56.000 Did I do the right thing here?

00:41:58.000 Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

00:41:59.000 Let's examine this, you know?

00:42:00.000 And as you look at things objectively, it's like you're sort of forced to grow, and in that environment, the environment of the tank, Which is just another form of a psychedelic experience.

00:42:11.000 It's a psychedelic experience that is natural.

00:42:14.000 It could be done while you're stone cold sober.

00:42:16.000 You just climb on in and within, you know, if you've done it for a while, within an hour you're in a psychedelic state.

00:42:21.000 You're in some crazy hallucinogenic dream state.

00:42:24.000 So what was the truth that you think came out?

00:42:26.000 Over and over again.

00:42:27.000 Well, a lot of my anger had to do with the way I was raised.

00:42:30.000 I hadn't seen my father since I was like seven years old. 0.97

00:42:33.000 And I always thought that that didn't fuck with me. 0.99

00:42:35.000 But then as I got older, I really truly realized it fucked with me. 0.91

00:42:39.000 And I didn't really kind of understand it until I had a few psychedelic experiences and kind of like looked at the source of, you know, a lot of angst and a lot of like anger that I would have.

00:42:51.000 I would be a guy who would try to be nice to everybody, but I was already on a trigger.

00:42:55.000 So if something happened where someone did something rude, I would over-escalate almost immediately. 0.98

00:43:02.000 I would be ready to take them to fucking full-on war. 0.99

00:43:06.000 Immediately. 0.99

00:43:06.000 Can I tell a story? 0.99

00:43:07.000 Which one?

00:43:08.000 Well, I don't know that we've ever talked about this, but we had one kind of blowout in our life, and I was living with your girlfriend at the time, Jennifer.

00:43:16.000 Yeah.

00:43:17.000 Jennifer from Staten Island.

00:43:18.000 Yeah, don't say her name.

00:43:19.000 No.

00:43:19.000 First name's okay, right?

00:43:20.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:43:21.000 Big hair.

00:43:22.000 Very nice girl.

00:43:22.000 Great chick.

00:43:23.000 Yeah, great chick. 1.00

00:43:25.000 I'll tell the story of how this happened.

00:43:28.000 We went to some club.

00:43:31.000 Okay, I don't want to say where she worked.

00:43:33.000 But Greg and I were there, and she came over to talk to us.

00:43:38.000 And said that she had a room for rent in her apartment, and she needed to find a roommate. 0.85

00:43:45.000 And then I was like, I think Greg needs a roommate, and Greg's looking for a room.

00:43:49.000 I was trying to get out. 0.98

00:43:50.000 My friends were all drunks, and I'd quit drinking, and I needed to get the fuck out. 0.99

00:43:54.000 And so she walks away and Greg was like, holy shit, I want to be living with her. 0.99

00:43:59.000 Oh my God. 1.00

00:44:01.000 Look how fucking hot she is. 1.00

00:44:02.000 I go, dude, she's fucking hot, right? 1.00

00:44:04.000 And so then I called you. 0.99

00:44:06.000 Wait, this is your girlfriend?

00:44:06.000 No, no, no.

00:44:07.000 Before you started dating?

00:44:07.000 Before we started dating.

00:44:08.000 We just met her.

00:44:09.000 We had just met her.

00:44:10.000 So then I called him the next day. 0.83

00:44:13.000 I go, dude, your new apartment is fucking awesome. 0.87

00:44:17.000 And he go, what are you talking about? 1.00

00:44:19.000 I just, oh, I just fucked that girl in your new apartment. 1.00

00:44:21.000 It's amazing. 1.00

00:44:24.000 And you're like, oh.

00:44:25.000 So we had like a little thing where Greg kind of liked this girl first, sort of. 0.99

00:44:31.000 And I fucked her. 1.00

00:44:32.000 And then he was living with her. 1.00

00:44:33.000 And it was kind of weird. 0.99

00:44:35.000 And there was one night where she had told me that you were talking shit about me. 0.98

00:44:42.000 And it really hurt my feelings. 0.99

00:44:45.000 Because I couldn't believe that you did it.

00:44:47.000 She had her period. 0.99

00:44:49.000 And we were like 21 years old, whatever the fuck it was. 1.00

00:44:52.000 You say stupid shit back then. 1.00

00:44:55.000 And she was like miserable. 1.00

00:44:57.000 And she would have bad periods.

00:45:00.000 And you came up to her and you confronted her. 0.99

00:45:02.000 You go, look, if you're this miserable, why don't you just fucking leave him? 0.99

00:45:06.000 You know, like really, what are you doing here? 0.99

00:45:07.000 This is what she told you?

00:45:08.000 This is what she told me.

00:45:09.000 And then she told you, Greg, I'm on my period.

00:45:12.000 That's why I'm miserable.

00:45:14.000 And I was so upset.

00:45:16.000 I was like, wow, I can't believe he did that.

00:45:19.000 I mean, she was hot, you know, and you're living with her.

00:45:21.000 I get all that.

00:45:23.000 I get all that.

00:45:23.000 But I couldn't believe that you said something to her, like, bad about me.

00:45:27.000 You know, because in my eyes, I'm a very loyal person.

00:45:30.000 And when someone's my friend, they're my friend.

00:45:32.000 And I would never go to a friend's girl.

00:45:34.000 But it was a very complicated situation, you know.

00:45:37.000 It's not healthy for a heterosexual guy to be living with a hot girl. 0.67

00:45:42.000 John Ritter did with two.

00:45:45.000 So anyway, I go on this gig, and the gig was terrible. 0.97

00:45:49.000 It's a fucking awful gig, and it was a long drive, and I did not have a good set. 0.96

00:45:54.000 And I was coming back, and I was with her, and she had just told me this thing that you did, and I was so fucking mad. 0.99

00:46:00.000 I couldn't believe it. 0.99

00:46:01.000 I was so fucking mad. 0.99

00:46:03.000 And we went and got ice cream. 0.98

00:46:05.000 And I went to the bathroom and I came back and I opened my ice cream and Jennifer was eating hers and my ice cream bar had a bite taken out of it.

00:46:15.000 Ben and Jerry's Peace Pop.

00:46:17.000 And it was Greg had taken the bite out of it.

00:46:20.000 And so I flipped the switch and I threw the ice cream at your face at about 100 miles an hour.

00:46:27.000 And I don't know what I said.

00:46:30.000 I don't remember what I said.

00:46:31.000 But I remember I went into danger zone.

00:46:35.000 Yeah.

00:46:35.000 Well, I wanted to bring it up because we never talked about it.

00:46:38.000 Yeah, we never did.

00:46:38.000 And I wanted to because obviously, look.

00:46:41.000 There's always two sides to things.

00:46:42.000 Of course.

00:46:43.000 Three sides in this case.

00:46:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:46:45.000 And I think, number one, I was a brash, fucking wise-ass pervert, you know, with a lot of energy back then. 0.92

00:46:52.000 And so, first point I would say is that with Jennifer, if I said, I can't believe I'm living with her, I think it was probably more of a comic premise than like a real attraction on any level. 0.99

00:47:02.000 I think it was like, yeah, she was hot. 0.99

00:47:04.000 But I wouldn't be moving in with the chick to try to get laid with her. 1.00

00:47:07.000 No, I didn't think you were doing that.

00:47:10.000 I'm not saying... 0.91

00:47:11.000 But I think there was a residual feeling with you that I had said that, and it was maybe on your mind that I'm living with her, and that's a little bit fucking weird. 0.61

00:47:19.000 I'm pretty open-minded, dude. 0.75

00:47:20.000 She was living with another guy, the gay guy, and I would go and hang out with him all the time. 0.96

00:47:24.000 Well, he was gay. 0.99

00:47:25.000 Don't give it up. 0.97

00:47:26.000 Don't give up his name. 1.00

00:47:27.000 Damn it. 1.00

00:47:27.000 You fucked up the whole thing. 1.00

00:47:28.000 And the other thing is, if I... Possible. 1.00

00:47:32.000 I might have said that thing about you.

00:47:33.000 Wait, let me just say my side of it.

00:47:34.000 Okay.

00:47:35.000 It's possible.

00:47:36.000 Who knows?

00:47:37.000 I might have said something about you. 0.99

00:47:38.000 And again, I was a fucking loud mouth. 1.00

00:47:40.000 I talked a lot of shit. 1.00

00:47:42.000 I think that in my heart, you and I were good friends. 1.00

00:47:45.000 We had come up and done a lot of shit together, gone through a lot, supported each other a lot. 0.95

00:47:49.000 And I think if I'd said something, it's, again, I have no fucking idea. 0.97

00:47:53.000 I don't remember.

00:47:54.000 It's so long ago, the memories aren't real anyway. 0.87

00:47:57.000 They're not, but no, that's why I brought it up in this arena, because I feel like, I don't know if there's humor in it, but I think that there's a real moment in it where, you know, where I think it fucked me up, too, because first of all, seeing you get that angry was like, you know, scary shit, and the irony of you hitting me with the Ben and Jerry's Peace Pop was also not completely lost on me.

00:48:23.000 And I felt like, you know, and sadly that was right at a time when you were moving to New York. 0.91

00:48:29.000 You started going down and working danger fields and all that shit. 0.81

00:48:32.000 So it became kind of convenient that we just didn't see each other as much. 0.98

00:48:36.000 We would fucking write together every day.

00:48:38.000 We drive to gigs and then all of a sudden this kind of blowout happened and you just happened to be moving. 0.93

00:48:43.000 And so we spent a few years of just not being in each other's spheres at all.

00:48:48.000 And then it was water under the bridge and we started to, you know, hang out and all that stuff.

00:48:52.000 But I always wanted to talk to you about it because I felt like whatever your takeaway was from that experience, that, you know, if I did say something, it wasn't from my heart and that I think it was a loaded situation.

00:49:05.000 It was a loaded situation.

00:49:07.000 And there was a few other things that were leaning into that confrontation.

00:49:12.000 That, you know, it wasn't anything bad that you did.

00:49:15.000 It was sort of an attitude that you had taken with me.

00:49:17.000 I don't know.

00:49:18.000 It was weird.

00:49:19.000 There was a resentment thing.

00:49:20.000 I'm pretty sensitive to it.

00:49:22.000 And I think a lot of it had to do with living with a girl.

00:49:24.000 Well, part of it, too, was you and I grew in different directions as comics.

00:49:28.000 You were going hardcore.

00:49:29.000 You were hanging out with another Michael, and you were a real Kinison guy, and I was starting to move a little bit more towards not necessarily...

00:49:39.000 Clean and clever.

00:49:39.000 Yeah, I think I was going through a clean and clever stage, and you gave me a really hard time about it.

00:49:45.000 You could call me a pussy, and you've got to fucking be real up there. 0.99

00:49:48.000 And it was intimidating because it was like, well, I'm not... 1.00

00:49:51.000 Why are you telling me you have to do my act?

00:49:52.000 But you would get pissed at me about it.

00:49:55.000 It was because I loved you.

00:49:56.000 I just didn't want to see you back off.

00:49:58.000 When you were at your best, Greg Fitzsimmons would have these sets and you would have a bunch of really well-crafted jokes. 0.94

00:50:06.000 You had a bunch of good things and you have one thing where you just went over the fucking edge completely and the comics would be howling and I always knew.

00:50:14.000 I was like, if he can harness that... 0.78

00:50:16.000 If he can figure out how to... 1.00

00:50:18.000 I mean, you have a sick fucking sense of humor. 0.99

00:50:20.000 So when I would see you pull back to do a Letterman set or pull back to do any of this stuff, I'm like, the only reason that exists is because there's someone trying to sell Toyota trucks or Tide. 0.98

00:50:29.000 The only reason why censored TV exists...

00:50:32.000 So this idea that it became clean and clever, I'm like, what is clever about cutting out the most fun aspects of life and homogenizing it so that four-year-olds can watch it?

00:50:42.000 Really?

00:50:43.000 Is that what's clever?

00:50:44.000 That's not clever.

00:50:44.000 Clever.

00:50:45.000 That's not real comedy. 0.99

00:50:47.000 And in my head back then, I was watching you and saying, well, yeah, you're just going up there and you're just fucking throwing shit and cum in their faces and you're killing and you're fucking prancing the stage in a stalk and you're fucking got your hand over the mud. 0.99

00:51:01.000 And I was just like, you know, he's killing it. 0.99

00:51:03.000 But like, that's like I was coming out of college as an English major and I wanted to write, you know, I've gone into writing.

00:51:09.000 Right.

00:51:09.000 So to me, it was just a different choice.

00:51:12.000 Right.

00:51:12.000 And it was one that you didn't respect.

00:51:14.000 Right.

00:51:14.000 No, it's not that.

00:51:15.000 No, you just said it.

00:51:16.000 You didn't really...

00:51:17.000 No, no, no.

00:51:18.000 It's not that I didn't respect the writing.

00:51:20.000 It's not that I didn't respect the discipline of it.

00:51:22.000 I know it's more difficult.

00:51:23.000 It's a more difficult path. 1.00

00:51:24.000 It was that with you, I always knew you had a sick fucking sense of humor. 0.99

00:51:29.000 So I was like... 0.99

00:51:29.000 It's like going back to Tom Cotter. 0.99

00:51:31.000 Yeah, don't pull away from that. 0.99

00:51:33.000 Are you crazy? 0.99

00:51:33.000 That's like what makes you unique. 0.99

00:51:34.000 That's what makes us howl in the back of the room.

00:51:37.000 Yeah.

00:51:37.000 I mean, we're not laughing because we like you and it's not funny.

00:51:40.000 It's like you would say some really dark, fucked up shit... 0.99

00:51:42.000 And then you'd be like, I can never use that bit. 0.99

00:51:47.000 They won't use me now, but Boston Comedy won't book me on the road because of that bit.

00:51:51.000 I think that there was a part of me that, I think in baseball terms, you were always the guy that was the Grand Slam swinger, and I was the guy that just wanted to get a lot of doubles and singles.

00:52:02.000 And so, in a sense, I think everybody, my father used to say, everybody ends up where they're really comfortable, you know? 0.95

00:52:09.000 And in a sense, for you, like you talked about, going on stage when you didn't have the material, but doing an hour, like balls out, I'm fucking, that wasn't me. 0.98

00:52:17.000 That would have been my worst fucking nightmare. 0.95

00:52:18.000 To me, it was like, I wanted to make a living doing this. 0.98

00:52:21.000 I wanted to write, I wanted to go on Letterman.

00:52:24.000 It was like things I wanted that were in this strategy.

00:52:27.000 Not that I thought about it, but it was just naturally where I was going. 0.99

00:52:30.000 And for you, it was like, you wanted to fucking explode. 0.99

00:52:33.000 You wanted to be kinescent. 0.99

00:52:35.000 And that was just a different fucking strategy, different game plan than I had. 0.99

00:52:40.000 And I think that was a big part of it, too. 0.98

00:52:42.000 That was a lot of tension underneath the fight that happened.

00:52:45.000 Really?

00:52:45.000 Yeah, I really resented.

00:52:46.000 Not in my mind.

00:52:47.000 Well, I did.

00:52:47.000 I did.

00:52:47.000 I resented that I was feeling like you were not approving of what I was doing.

00:52:52.000 You were putting pressure on me not to do it.

00:52:54.000 That's hilarious because I've always felt like that it was always the opposite with people, that the people that were dirty were, especially back then in Boston, they were the ones who were pressured to clean it up.

00:53:03.000 Oliver Keithley, that's all he ever used to tell me.

00:53:05.000 You got to clean it up.

00:53:06.000 You got to clean it up. 0.99

00:53:07.000 You said 10 fucks in 10 minutes. 0.98

00:53:09.000 You gotta clean it up. 0.98

00:53:10.000 It was always like, oh, I'm taking some sort of a shortcut by doing things that I'm actually interested in talking about.

00:53:16.000 So you saying that I think that I look down on you for cleaning your act up or trying to go the professional route.

00:53:22.000 It wasn't that.

00:53:23.000 It was never that.

00:53:24.000 It was that I didn't want you to stop doing the other stuff. 0.99

00:53:27.000 Because the darkest shit was the shit that would make me laugh the most. 0.99

00:53:30.000 And then when you're like, I can't do that bit anymore. 1.00

00:53:32.000 I'm like, you're crazy. 0.99

00:53:33.000 That fucking bit's awesome. 1.00

00:53:35.000 I know, and some of the bits, I look back, I can't, I'm one of those people, I cannot watch myself. 0.97

00:53:39.000 I have early tapes, and I go, I look at these clever little fucking cute jokes I was doing. 0.97

00:53:44.000 I hate myself. 0.98

00:53:44.000 I just remembered something you did that was fucking brilliant. 0.98

00:53:47.000 This is back in the day where there was like, maybe somebody had heard the Jerky Boys, like maybe like one, you know, one of their CDs were out, and like they were like really kind of funny recorded phone calls where they would fuck with people. 0.93

00:54:00.000 Greg did one where he called in a car rental place, and you did it with the It's on my CD. This extreme, extreme Boston accent for years, for years after that, I'd go, it's on fire! 0.62

00:54:13.000 The car's on fire!

00:54:16.000 The whole car, it's on fire! 1.00

00:54:21.000 You were doing a lot of dark shit. 0.99

00:54:23.000 Well, the thing is, when you talk about the Boston comedy community, we really did have our own little pod. 1.00

00:54:28.000 It was like me, you, Cotter, Mike, I can say, McDonald, McCarthy.

00:54:34.000 There was really only a half a dozen of us that, and I felt like an outcast.

00:54:38.000 There was Dave Cross and Marin and all those guys that were doing that sketch, esoteric stuff in Cambridge.

00:54:44.000 Then you had, we talked about the big headliners that were, they had their own, they were And they were looked at in a different way.

00:54:51.000 There were guys who were looked at as being clever with good material, and then there were guys who were like Knox, who a lot of people would look down on them.

00:54:59.000 They would look down on that material, that silly party guy sort of a stationery guy.

00:55:03.000 No collar. 0.95

00:55:04.000 It was much more.

00:55:05.000 And yet, we didn't fit nicely into any of the categories.

00:55:08.000 And so I think we were left in a little bit of the misfit toys syndrome.

00:55:12.000 I kind of felt like it wasn't about being clean or dirty. 0.99

00:55:16.000 It was just more about resenting people that were fake and seeing people that were, again, Looking like they wanted careers and backstabbers and all that shit. 0.92

00:55:26.000 I felt like there was a safety among the five or six guys we hung out with that we were real people and that we were doing ballsy comedy and that we were the hungriest ones out there. 0.95

00:55:35.000 I mean, you went to an open mic night for those couple years. 0.97

00:55:38.000 Ours were the first fucking names on the list. 0.99

00:55:40.000 And we were standing there like panthers waiting to see if we were going to get on. 0.99

00:55:43.000 Yeah, we're not bullshitting.

00:55:44.000 We really did drive to Rhode Island all the time to do free sets.

00:55:47.000 All the time.

00:55:48.000 We would constantly drive.

00:55:49.000 To the point where they would hold it over our head.

00:55:50.000 I know.

00:55:51.000 But maybe you might not even be able to get it on.

00:55:52.000 Remember that dude Charlie?

00:55:53.000 He was kind of creepy about that.

00:55:54.000 Yeah.

00:55:55.000 Like, hold it over your head.

00:55:56.000 Hmm, I don't know tonight.

00:55:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:55:58.000 He was this very flamboyant guy.

00:56:00.000 He does cabaret now.

00:56:01.000 Does he really?

00:56:02.000 Oh, boy.

00:56:02.000 Did he like checking you out and making you kiss up to him?

00:56:06.000 What's his name?

00:56:07.000 Tommy?

00:56:08.000 Charlie.

00:56:08.000 Oh, Charlie.

00:56:09.000 Should I say it?

00:56:10.000 Yeah.

00:56:11.000 Nah.

00:56:11.000 Yeah.

00:56:12.000 Yeah, fuck him. 1.00

00:56:13.000 Why do that? 1.00

00:56:14.000 I mean, he wasn't a bad guy.

00:56:15.000 No.

00:56:16.000 Just, he shouldn't have had that power.

00:56:17.000 You know, and it was just a, that whole little comedy scene in Rhode Island was very small. 0.94

00:56:22.000 It wasn't, but remember that one fucking really funny guy? 0.81

00:56:25.000 This was your favorite guy. 0.91

00:56:26.000 Eddie, Eddie.

00:56:26.000 He was your favorite.

00:56:27.000 Eddie, um. 0.95

00:56:28.000 Goddammit. 0.58

00:56:29.000 Um.

00:56:31.000 Eddie.

00:56:33.000 Well, tell the story.

00:56:34.000 Well, which one?

00:56:36.000 Well, first tell his favorite joke about the disposable douche commercial, the mother and the daughter.

00:56:42.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:43.000 But a lot of people have...

00:56:44.000 Eddie Galvin.

00:56:44.000 Eddie Galvin, yes.

00:56:46.000 Yeah.

00:56:48.000 Yeah, what was it?

00:56:49.000 He goes, I'm not...

00:56:51.000 He's talking about this disposable douche commercial.

00:56:53.000 It's a mother and the daughter walking down the beach together, and the daughter says to the mother... 1.00

00:56:58.000 I'm not saying my cunt stinks, but the cats have been following me home! 1.00

00:57:04.000 And the crowd would fucking go nuts! 1.00

00:57:08.000 I forgot that! 0.99

00:57:11.000 And then he ends up going to jail.

00:57:13.000 He beat a guy to death with a stick.

00:57:15.000 With a tree limb.

00:57:16.000 Yeah.

00:57:17.000 I don't know what happened.

00:57:18.000 I don't know what it was over.

00:57:20.000 He was the second guy to go to jail.

00:57:22.000 There was another guy named Ed the Machine Regine who was working also as a used car salesman who set the odometers back on cars and did about five or six years.

00:57:32.000 Yeah, I remember that.

00:57:32.000 I remember when he got out.

00:57:34.000 I remember when he got out.

00:57:35.000 He got out and he started wearing like a gangster suit and a hat.

00:57:38.000 He went on stage and the machine regime.

00:57:40.000 He was a good like functional comic.

00:57:44.000 Functional comic.

00:57:44.000 He knew how to get the laughs.

00:57:46.000 Yep.

00:57:46.000 And then there was the other Rhode Island comic who'd put a clam suit on and then he would close out with a bit where he'd sing Muddy Waters' I'm a Man but it's I'm a Clam.

00:57:59.000 And the crowd would lose their shit, and then you're on next. 0.99

00:58:01.000 It was always about who you had to follow in Boston, because you'd have outrageous shit like that happen, and the crowds in some towns were so dumb. 1.00

00:58:09.000 I mean, Rhode Island, they were all dumb. 1.00

00:58:10.000 And you'd have to go on after that. 1.00

00:58:12.000 And it's like they just fed the fucking mongrels some red meat, and now you're going up, and it's like, whoa. 0.99

00:58:18.000 You were there with me on one of the times where Hicks performed In Boston. 0.99

00:58:25.000 And we saw him clear the room.

00:58:27.000 Clear the room.

00:58:27.000 It was you and me and McCarthy and a couple other guys.

00:58:31.000 Maybe it was Todd Parker.

00:58:33.000 He might have been with us too.

00:58:35.000 It was like a Sunday night.

00:58:36.000 Yep.

00:58:36.000 And Hicks went up there and he went on after Larry, the Harley Davidson drive.

00:58:42.000 Bubbles Brown? 0.86

00:58:42.000 Yeah. 0.86

00:58:42.000 Oh, not Bubbles Brown. 0.86

00:58:43.000 Larry, yeah, I know he's...

00:58:45.000 Yeah, comic on a Harley, Larry Norton.

00:58:48.000 Larry Norton.

00:58:49.000 Larry Norton.

00:58:49.000 So Larry Norton goes up and he's doing like cartoon characters if they got high.

00:58:53.000 This would be Bugs Bunny if you got high. 1.00

00:58:54.000 It's like really simple shit. 1.00

00:58:55.000 Cops and donuts, you know, like really like softballs. 1.00

00:58:59.000 He's lobbing them at you, right? 0.99

00:59:00.000 Killing. 1.00

00:59:01.000 He's killing. 1.00

00:59:02.000 And Hicks goes on and just eats dick right away. 1.00

00:59:06.000 From the moment his very first joke, he's like patient with what he's going to say and thinking about things. 1.00

00:59:13.000 He just goes to some weird points and the crowd just gets up in fucking chunks. 0.99

00:59:18.000 And so maybe... 0.99

00:59:21.000 45 minutes into a set, 40, 40 minutes into a set, he's doing this bit where he's playing John Davidson, and John Davidson gets fucked by Satan. 0.97

00:59:30.000 John Davidson used to be the host of That's Incredible, and John Davidson is getting fucked by Satan, and he swells up in the offseason. 0.99

00:59:38.000 And shits out Geraldo Rivera. 0.99

00:59:41.000 He becomes pregnant with the demon seed and it becomes Geraldo Rivera and he shits it out. 1.00

00:59:45.000 And he's like on the toilet, shitting out Geraldo Rivera. 1.00

00:59:48.000 And he's grunting for like fucking two solid minutes. 0.99

00:59:52.000 Maybe more. 0.99

00:59:53.000 Like literally.

00:59:54.000 No words.

00:59:58.000 No words.

00:59:59.000 And then he looks up in the middle.

01:00:00.000 People just getting on the drums.

01:00:01.000 He goes, yep, this usually clears the room.

01:00:06.000 And he goes right back to it.

01:00:09.000 And it was just you and I and a couple other guys in the back of the room howling laughing.

01:00:14.000 Maybe 50 people stayed.

01:00:17.000 And what did Nick see?

01:00:18.000 Did it seat 300 maybe?

01:00:19.000 Yeah, about that.

01:00:21.000 200 plus people got up and left.

01:00:23.000 And we were howling.

01:00:25.000 And I just remember we sat...

01:00:26.000 I think another time we went to see him it was at the Faneuil Hall Comedy Connection.

01:00:30.000 And we actually got to sit in the green room for, you know, 10-15 minutes.

01:00:35.000 Nothing but small talk.

01:00:36.000 But the fact that... 1.00

01:00:37.000 Fucking sat in a room with that guy. 1.00

01:00:39.000 Got to see him perform a couple times. 1.00

01:00:41.000 It really is like, you know...

01:00:43.000 Comedy history.

01:00:44.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:00:44.000 He gets some shit from a lot of people because a lot of his ideas are so commonplace today that people go, well, he wasn't even doing comedy. 0.95

01:00:53.000 Some of the stuff isn't even funny. 0.99

01:00:55.000 But what they don't understand is that, like every fucking comedian, your stuff gets dated in time. 0.98

01:01:02.000 It does. 0.99

01:01:03.000 It loses its punch.

01:01:04.000 If you're good, it gets replicated again and again.

01:01:06.000 Well, Lenny Bruce.

01:01:07.000 Even Hicks' premises were really similar to Lenny Bruce's premises.

01:01:11.000 One of Lenny Bruce's premises was that he doesn't understand the cross.

01:01:16.000 Years from now, people are going to be running around with electric chairs around their necks.

01:01:19.000 And then Hicks had one about, you know, it's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant, just thinking of John, Jackie.

01:01:25.000 Yeah.

01:01:26.000 I mean, there's similarities, but what Hicks did was completely change the way people did comedy.

01:01:32.000 Like, all of a sudden, people would have comedy that would make you, like, make a point. 0.99

01:01:36.000 And, like, there would be parts of it that would be funny, but there would be parts of it that would set up the funny by pointing out how fucking preposterous so much of this shit is. 0.99

01:01:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:01:45.000 And it's like, it was a different ride. 0.97

01:01:46.000 It wasn't that Don Gavin punchline every fucking three seconds, bang, bang, bang. 0.98

01:01:50.000 It was a different ride. 0.98

01:01:51.000 Well, I think the turning point was really the clearest distinction with him was that he didn't care.

01:01:56.000 That's what it came down to.

01:01:57.000 It was comedy that, to its core, it was expressing itself without any regard to the reception it was going to get from the audience.

01:02:04.000 And he figured out quite early that that was the way to find your real audience.

01:02:08.000 Because only perform their stuff.

01:02:11.000 And eventually, everybody else leaves.

01:02:13.000 Jesus, this is terrible.

01:02:14.000 And then your people come.

01:02:16.000 Well, Carlin did that, too, in a way.

01:02:18.000 Sure, I'll be guess, but he would become famous already.

01:02:20.000 Carlin had become famous as sort of a clean and squeaky guy.

01:02:24.000 But then he became, I think, a guy who was, by the end, to a fault, more about his core beliefs and his message.

01:02:31.000 I think he went so far with it.

01:02:33.000 But in the sweet spot, I think he was on the same level as Hicks in terms of taking on religion.

01:02:39.000 Don't forget Bill Hicks was doing it in Texas. 0.99

01:02:41.000 You know, he was taking on Christianity in the fucking Bible Belt. 0.99

01:02:45.000 In the 80s. 0.99

01:02:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:02:46.000 And he was doing it in a way that, like, it wasn't that set-up punchline.

01:02:49.000 And he started like that.

01:02:50.000 I mean, I watched his documentary.

01:02:51.000 He had, like, really cornered.

01:02:52.000 He was a guy, if you want to get to the place where Bill Hicks is, you've got to be, and Carlin, you have to learn the rules to break them.

01:02:59.000 And they did.

01:03:00.000 They were very high-functioning, clean, you know, monologue comics.

01:03:04.000 And then they took that and they made it dangerous by taking on real ideas.

01:03:09.000 Right.

01:03:09.000 And at the time, that's what everybody was doing.

01:03:11.000 And what he had done was run into Kinnison.

01:03:14.000 And then Kinnison completely changed his act.

01:03:16.000 In fact, when I first saw Hicks, Hicks was doing a lot of Kinnison in his act.

01:03:20.000 Much like, you know, you realize when there was a few guys that would do, a bunch of guys that would do Boston guys.

01:03:27.000 They would sound just like Knox.

01:03:29.000 Oh yeah.

01:03:30.000 And they would do it just because there was confidence in sounding like a really funny guy.

01:03:34.000 Like a guy that you respect.

01:03:36.000 There's confidence in it.

01:03:37.000 And when I first saw Hicks, it was years before that set.

01:03:41.000 Maybe a year, year and a half before that set.

01:03:42.000 The first time I saw him, he was doing sort of a bit of a Kinnison act.

01:03:48.000 Like, he would even make the noise.

01:03:50.000 Like, we'd do The Walking Dead.

01:03:52.000 He would roll his eyes and make the same noises that Kinnison would make.

01:03:55.000 And I'm like, wow.

01:03:56.000 That's really kind of close.

01:03:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:03:58.000 Doesn't he know we've seen Kinnison do this?

01:04:00.000 Well, I think Bobcat probably had a touch of that.

01:04:02.000 I think, you know, Marin had a touch of Hicks when he was coming up.

01:04:06.000 He had a touch of the mannerisms.

01:04:07.000 He would replicate mannerisms.

01:04:09.000 Yeah, that's what I mean.

01:04:09.000 The mannerisms.

01:04:10.000 You see that with a tell now.

01:04:12.000 A lot of young tells out there.

01:04:13.000 Yes, a lot of young tells.

01:04:15.000 A lot of Stan Hopes.

01:04:16.000 Yep, you're right.

01:04:17.000 You're right.

01:04:17.000 A lot of Stan Hopes.

01:04:18.000 Yeah, there was one time I was listening to this fucking guy on Raw Dog Radio, and I couldn't believe it. 0.99

01:04:23.000 I was like, this is a fucking Stan Hope clone. 0.99

01:04:25.000 I was like, confused. 0.99

01:04:26.000 Like, maybe Stan Hope had a cold.

01:04:27.000 Was he on Sorry?

01:04:29.000 No, it's a different guy.

01:04:30.000 Does he sound like Stanhope?

01:04:31.000 No.

01:04:32.000 How funny are you.

01:04:34.000 He's like the opposite.

01:04:34.000 It's your Olive Garden.

01:04:36.000 It's your Olive Garden.

01:04:37.000 I'm sorry.

01:04:40.000 So, going back to the original topic, our fight.

01:04:44.000 Glad it's over.

01:04:45.000 I'm glad it's over.

01:04:45.000 I think that we're both...

01:04:47.000 Well, we kind of abandoned it.

01:04:48.000 I mean, we didn't speak that much after that for a while, but it never came up again.

01:04:53.000 It wasn't like it needed to be discussed, but I'm glad we did it.

01:04:55.000 Yeah, I wanted to just clear it out, clear it out, because...

01:04:59.000 I was thinking today, too, I think I was telling you earlier, I changed my whole viewpoint on gun control two weeks ago.

01:05:05.000 Yeah.

01:05:05.000 I did a lot of research, and it's like, I think that there's two kinds of people.

01:05:10.000 There's people that will, I'll call people when I make a mistake, apologize, I want to talk about shit if it's under the carpet, and I want the right to change my mind later, you know?

01:05:20.000 And I think that that's the way I choose to go through life. 0.97

01:05:23.000 I never want to fucking... 0.98

01:05:25.000 And it's a problem with my family. 1.00

01:05:26.000 Growing up Irish Catholic, I wrote this fucking book that was all the real shit. 1.00

01:05:31.000 This was like a... 1.00

01:05:32.000 I didn't think for one second when I wrote this book, my mom's gonna read this, my aunt's gonna read this. 0.99

01:05:37.000 I just fucking wrote my book. 0.98

01:05:39.000 And it's like, you know... 0.99

01:05:42.000 It was tough, man. 0.98

01:05:44.000 I almost had a fucking nervous breakdown doing it. 0.92

01:05:46.000 But that was the point in my life where I think I went, I'm no longer going to do anything that's pandering. 0.96

01:05:54.000 I'm only going to be honest.

01:05:55.000 I'm only going to confront things in my life because I can't go back.

01:05:59.000 I want to start my life, in a sense, over again and leave everything behind. 0.95

01:06:03.000 So I don't want anything fucking connecting me to shit that I feel bad about from the past. 0.96

01:06:07.000 So I just spit it all out and put it out there. 0.98

01:06:10.000 And now it's done.

01:06:11.000 And now this is done.

01:06:13.000 Not the podcast.

01:06:14.000 Please, not the podcast.

01:06:15.000 I haven't got my plugs in yet.

01:06:17.000 No, there's no plugs.

01:06:18.000 We can keep going.

01:06:19.000 I'm glad we got it out of the way too.

01:06:22.000 We actually worked together on The Man Show as well.

01:06:24.000 It came up because I had an issue.

01:06:28.000 And then they said, what about Greg Fitzsimmons? 0.99

01:06:30.000 And I was like, he's fucking talented. 0.99

01:06:32.000 For sure. 0.99

01:06:33.000 Hire him.

01:06:33.000 I was shocked.

01:06:34.000 Really?

01:06:35.000 I'm not shocked.

01:06:36.000 I was like, it reaffirmed what I just said.

01:06:38.000 You're like that also. 0.99

01:06:39.000 Like, you know, I'm not going to, guys get over shit. 0.99

01:06:42.000 Well, you know, bottom line is, there's no way I could hold a grudge that long. 1.00

01:06:47.000 A, and B, you're fucking talented. 0.99

01:06:50.000 It was like, it wasn't even a thing. 0.98

01:06:53.000 It wasn't like, man, should we work with, it was like, of course we should work with them.

01:06:56.000 You're a funny guy. 0.98

01:06:58.000 You had a funny shit that I didn't even think could be funny and became funny. 0.99

01:07:02.000 The dead Ted Williams sketch, that was fucking brilliant. 1.00

01:07:05.000 Frozen Ted Williams. 0.97

01:07:07.000 Frozen Ted Williams was awesome.

01:07:08.000 It turned out to be one of my favorite sketches. 0.98

01:07:10.000 Because I don't give a fuck about baseballs. 0.84

01:07:12.000 I don't understand it, but it was great. 0.98

01:07:15.000 Yeah, it was tough.

01:07:16.000 You were working non-stop.

01:07:19.000 It was a disaster.

01:07:20.000 You would show up at night when you were done taping all day, and then write all night, and then go back.

01:07:27.000 It was a disaster.

01:07:28.000 I was working way too much.

01:07:29.000 I was doing Fear Factor and The Man Show at the same time, and we had, all of a sudden, they had completely changed how they were approaching it.

01:07:38.000 Doug and I got completely hoodwinked.

01:07:40.000 We thought that it was going to be like, they literally told me, Have nudity, we'll blur it out.

01:07:46.000 Swear, we'll beep it out.

01:07:47.000 You can go wild.

01:07:48.000 If we get sued, it would be a good thing. 0.97

01:07:50.000 We could use the publicity. 0.98

01:07:51.000 I'm like, let's get fucking crazy. 0.97

01:07:52.000 I'm like, let's do it. 0.90

01:07:54.000 Stan Hope's in, I'm in.

01:07:55.000 Come on, let's go. 0.98

01:07:56.000 We're gonna fucking change the man's show. 0.98

01:07:57.000 And then once we started... 0.98

01:07:58.000 That doesn't sound like the man's show.

01:07:59.000 That's not the man's show.

01:08:00.000 That is not how the Man Show used to be.

01:08:02.000 They had never had power, I found out, that Jimmy and Adam had given up the power so that they could have creative control. 1.00

01:08:09.000 They're like, look, you could own this fucking piece of shit. 1.00

01:08:12.000 Just leave us alone. 1.00

01:08:14.000 Just let us come up with our own stuff.

01:08:16.000 They had to give it up to get creative control.

01:08:18.000 That's why it was good.

01:08:20.000 Once you get in there, you remember what it was like.

01:08:22.000 It was nuts.

01:08:23.000 It was the beginning of Comedy Central becoming a really uncreative place to develop and do things.

01:08:29.000 And it was, you know, it was the studio and the network.

01:08:34.000 There were probably six, all women, all women.

01:08:37.000 Every note on the man show was coming from women. 1.00

01:08:40.000 Which isn't to say they weren't talented or funny.

01:08:42.000 It just always struck me of like...

01:08:44.000 Do these people really have the voice of the show?

01:08:46.000 Yeah, they don't.

01:08:47.000 I don't think women were watching the man show.

01:08:49.000 One of the big things was Joey Diaz.

01:08:51.000 I wanted Joey Diaz naked at the beginning of every show.

01:08:54.000 That was a mistake.

01:08:55.000 He would kick open the door and go, let's get this party started!

01:08:58.000 Everybody would go crazy.

01:09:00.000 Zoe was, Comedy Central was like crying.

01:09:04.000 Why?

01:09:04.000 You tell me.

01:09:05.000 Why is that funny?

01:09:06.000 That's not going to be funny.

01:09:08.000 This is not what we want to do with this show.

01:09:10.000 She was literally in tears.

01:09:11.000 I'm like, first of all, there's no crying in comedy.

01:09:14.000 Period.

01:09:14.000 Right?

01:09:15.000 There's no crying in comedy. 1.00

01:09:16.000 That's fucking ridiculous. 1.00

01:09:17.000 And second of all, I understood her point of view. 1.00

01:09:21.000 She's an intelligent woman.

01:09:23.000 It's offensive to her.

01:09:24.000 To her, it's not funny.

01:09:25.000 She wants well-scripted, well-crafted, really clever pieces and bits.

01:09:31.000 That appeal to frat guys. 1.00

01:09:33.000 However, when a fucking 350-pound fat Cuban guy with a baseball hat and Timberlands comes running out and his balls are like grapefruit in an old lady's pantyhose and his dick is big and it's flopping around on his giant belly, you cannot not laugh. 1.00

01:09:48.000 When he's going, let's get this party started! 1.00

01:09:50.000 So we made a deal.

01:09:51.000 We'll do it your way and then we'll do it my way.

01:09:53.000 So we did it her way. 0.79

01:09:54.000 Nice big thing.

01:09:55.000 Big cheer.

01:09:56.000 Everybody gets crazy.

01:09:57.000 We start the show.

01:09:58.000 Okay, take two.

01:09:59.000 We do it the second time.

01:10:00.000 Joey Diaz comes out naked and the place falls apart.

01:10:03.000 They're giving him standing ovations and cheering.

01:10:07.000 And Joey's dancing and then he brings us out and it was perfect.

01:10:11.000 That was the beginning of many, many problems that we had.

01:10:15.000 I should have never tried to do a show at the same time as doing another show.

01:10:20.000 And on top of that, I should have never tried to do someone else's show. 0.96

01:10:23.000 Well, that's, yeah, I mean, look, that's a fucking tough one. 0.97

01:10:26.000 You look at the fact that The Office turned out a different office that is now as good as the original is a fucking miracle. 0.98

01:10:34.000 Fluke. 0.99

01:10:34.000 Amazing. 0.99

01:10:34.000 Fluke. 0.99

01:10:35.000 It just doesn't happen.

01:10:36.000 Yeah, I mean, talented people, obviously.

01:10:38.000 They figured it out there.

01:10:39.000 But the point is, those same people could have taken a different premise, starting from scratch, and been where they are today.

01:10:46.000 Taking a show that already existed, you're not getting any boost out of that.

01:10:50.000 All you're doing is fighting off the old image and trying to recreate the new one.

01:10:54.000 So why not just start with the new one?

01:10:55.000 I think in America, it was so distant.

01:10:58.000 It was a distant memory in people's minds.

01:11:00.000 There was this English office.

01:11:02.000 There's a giant chunk of the population that had no idea.

01:11:05.000 And the people that were fans of The Office tuned in out of curiosity.

01:11:09.000 And the other people tuned in after.

01:11:11.000 I've heard it's really good.

01:11:12.000 I've heard it's really good.

01:11:13.000 It was not known enough, so it slipped in.

01:11:16.000 And you were doing it on the same channel.

01:11:18.000 Yeah.

01:11:19.000 With the same name and the same set.

01:11:22.000 Yeah, you could...

01:11:23.000 And the thing is, it's like, that was truly...

01:11:25.000 I mean, Adam and Jimmy had worked together in radio. 0.98

01:11:28.000 They had a fucking chemistry and a fluidity. 0.97

01:11:31.000 You and Doug were both alpha males who do stand-up alone. 0.99

01:11:35.000 And then all of a sudden, it was like, should we sit on stools?

01:11:37.000 Should we stand up?

01:11:38.000 And I was always just like, no.

01:11:39.000 Joe should go out and tear it up for five minutes.

01:11:41.000 Then Doug should.

01:11:42.000 Then they should throw the clips that they're both in.

01:11:44.000 But the two of you standing on stage together was weird.

01:11:47.000 Yeah, it didn't work.

01:11:49.000 You know what we should have done?

01:11:50.000 We should have just, we should have, like, after the first time didn't work, we should have said, listen, we should just, the only way we could ever do this correctly is if we just stop calling it the man show.

01:11:59.000 Yeah.

01:11:59.000 And it becomes a new thing.

01:12:01.000 Yep.

01:12:01.000 Because you just can't say, that's not man.

01:12:03.000 They would be like, that's not man show.

01:12:05.000 That's not man show.

01:12:06.000 Especially remember when Janet Jackson's nipple thing happened? 1.00

01:12:09.000 We got fucked. 0.99

01:12:10.000 We lost like half of our monologues. 0.99

01:12:12.000 We lost like a bunch of bits we couldn't do now.

01:12:14.000 Oh, because everything tightened up.

01:12:15.000 Everything tightened up. 0.99

01:12:16.000 People don't realize that that stupid stunt had a big impact because the dummies that run these networks, they just don't want to lose their jobs. 0.99

01:12:24.000 So they go into panic moan. 1.00

01:12:26.000 We've got to react to this Janet Jackson thing. 0.99

01:12:28.000 You give me anything you have that could cause us trouble because now the microscope of the media is going to be, people are going to be peering into every single show looking for anything that's possibly offensive while this whole wave of indignation washes through the nation because someone saw a woman's tit during the dinner hour.

01:12:44.000 Yeah, we did one of the sketches that I wrote was called Ill Suitors and it was like a dating service for men that didn't want long-term relationships paired up with women that had terminal illnesses.

01:12:54.000 Oh, I remember that.

01:12:55.000 And then one of the scenes, and it was all like, you know, Doug had this funny idea of like, she's in a wheelchair on the beach trying to wheel through the sand.

01:13:01.000 And he's running in slow motion towards her.

01:13:03.000 And it ends with like, it was supposed to end with him making out with this woman in bed with his hand up her shirt.

01:13:11.000 And then it goes to him giving mouth to mouth and pushing it.

01:13:13.000 And they just, they killed that.

01:13:15.000 And it was like, we had no ending.

01:13:16.000 Yeah.

01:13:16.000 And so we had all these funny ideas of like, you know, you could order like a three-day weekend special of, you know, bird flu.

01:13:23.000 You know, you had different diseases that matched up with how long you wanted to stay in the relationship.

01:13:27.000 We had no ending.

01:13:30.000 We had no ending.

01:13:31.000 I remember that.

01:13:31.000 It was weird too, because Giannis sort of took over the show and he became like the voice of it.

01:13:36.000 And, you know, he was the mouth. 0.99

01:13:38.000 He's a fucking executive producer. 1.00

01:13:40.000 He's got to listen to the networks. 1.00

01:13:42.000 We never tried to do somebody else's show.

01:13:45.000 We got a lot of funny writers, too.

01:13:46.000 Brian Posehn, Ray James, Chris McGuire. 0.99

01:13:50.000 Some funny shit, too. 1.00

01:13:51.000 Some funny shit came out of it. 1.00

01:13:52.000 Oh, Frank Sebastiano. 0.99

01:13:53.000 Yeah, he was awesome.

01:13:54.000 I think he's the best writer in town.

01:13:57.000 Period.

01:13:57.000 He's great.

01:13:58.000 Jesus, it was good writers.

01:13:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:14:00.000 Too bad.

01:14:01.000 Could have had fun.

01:14:02.000 You know, you and Doug still keep in touch?

01:14:05.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:14:06.000 One of the things that came out of that was that Doug and I were doing mushrooms the day the war broke out.

01:14:11.000 We sat around this dude's house in the desert, we did mushrooms, and that day, it was like right when we were planning to do the man show, the war broke out and they were showing that they were going to be beginning war coverage at 5 p.m., Yeah.

01:14:25.000 And Stan Hope goes, holy shit, there's a kickoff.

01:14:31.000 And we're tripping balls in the desert where you could barely focus on the TV because it's become a soup of pixels. 0.98

01:14:39.000 It's not really the TV anymore.

01:14:42.000 Wow.

01:14:42.000 Yeah, it was an interesting time.

01:14:44.000 That was a good time, but I definitely shouldn't have done it.

01:14:46.000 I'm glad I did it, but I shouldn't have done it.

01:14:47.000 Yeah, well, who knew?

01:14:48.000 I mean, I've been on a couple of pilots and shows, actually TV shows, where people were double-dipping.

01:14:56.000 I wrote on Wanda Sykes' show last year, and she was doing Adventures of Old Christine and then coming over and trying to do her show on Fox at night.

01:15:06.000 And we never saw her. 0.96

01:15:07.000 And she's so fucking talented. 0.99

01:15:09.000 And what an opportunity to have a black woman while Obama is president. 1.00

01:15:14.000 And you had Sarah Palin running for office. 1.00

01:15:17.000 All of a sudden the fucking floodgates were open in politics. 0.99

01:15:19.000 What kind of show was it? 1.00

01:15:20.000 It was just a straight up...

01:15:23.000 Monologue, remote piece, roundtable talk show.

01:15:26.000 Topical.

01:15:26.000 Yeah, because she's so talented.

01:15:27.000 She's great.

01:15:29.000 But people don't give themselves enough time to do things right. 0.99

01:15:33.000 And if your name is on it, you've got to fucking drop. 0.98

01:15:36.000 Either don't do it or drop everything and say like a tell. 0.99

01:15:39.000 Again, going back to this show, which you've got to see, Dave's Old Porn. 0.99

01:15:42.000 That guy gave up so much fucking work. 0.97

01:15:44.000 He invested so much of his own money, tons of it, into this show, because his name is on. 0.99

01:15:48.000 And it's picked up.

01:15:49.000 And his road work is up.

01:15:50.000 And his merch is, and you know, it's like, this is you. 1.00

01:15:53.000 This is your fucking brand. 1.00

01:15:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:56.000 So you blew it, man.

01:15:57.000 You really blew it.

01:15:58.000 Me?

01:15:58.000 Yeah, you really blew it.

01:15:59.000 How did that happen?

01:16:00.000 How did it come to that?

01:16:03.000 Well, you think you would want to do a show like that again?

01:16:05.000 Like a weekly sketch?

01:16:06.000 No.

01:16:06.000 No?

01:16:07.000 No.

01:16:07.000 I like this.

01:16:08.000 This is really what I should have been doing all along.

01:16:09.000 This is the most fun.

01:16:11.000 Podcast.

01:16:11.000 It's just...

01:16:12.000 This is...

01:16:13.000 You know, I mean, what are you providing?

01:16:14.000 You know, when you have an hour television show.

01:16:18.000 You're supposed to be providing entertainment.

01:16:20.000 You're supposed to be providing some sort of a release.

01:16:22.000 I think I'm better at entertainment doing this than I am at all that other stuff.

01:16:25.000 Yeah.

01:16:26.000 I think writing...

01:16:27.000 I can write.

01:16:28.000 I know how to make sketches.

01:16:29.000 I can make funny stuff.

01:16:30.000 I absolutely can.

01:16:30.000 It's fun.

01:16:31.000 I enjoy doing it.

01:16:32.000 I enjoy this more.

01:16:33.000 And between this and stand-up comedy, those are like my two favorite things.

01:16:37.000 The only reason why I ever did acting is because they gave me money to do acting.

01:16:40.000 I mean, I had to do acting because I did MTV and I got a development team.

01:16:43.000 And all of a sudden, I'm doing a pilot for a sitcom.

01:16:47.000 I never really wanted to be an actor.

01:16:49.000 It's not that appealing to me. 1.00

01:16:50.000 And then when you hang out with them, you realize, well, they're fucking weirdos, man. 1.00

01:16:53.000 Weird, fucking, pretentious, self-absorbed, strange fucking people, man. 1.00

01:16:58.000 They're odd. 1.00

01:16:59.000 Nobody's saying a truthful thing all day.

01:17:01.000 Oh, everyone's trying to be this same person.

01:17:04.000 The person that everyone accepts.

01:17:09.000 Everyone's liberal.

01:17:10.000 Everyone is thinking about going vegan.

01:17:13.000 And everyone's unflappable.

01:17:15.000 Yeah.

01:17:15.000 Nobody's ever sweating.

01:17:16.000 Nobody's ever scared.

01:17:18.000 It's just always...

01:17:19.000 You gotta be confident.

01:17:20.000 You gotta always show people you're relaxed and confident.

01:17:22.000 And weird. 1.00

01:17:23.000 Weird and disconnected and obsessed with your fucking life. 1.00

01:17:26.000 I've met people that are obsessed with success, but they're varied. 1.00

01:17:29.000 There's a fucking sameness to the actor... 0.99

01:17:34.000 Douche. 1.00

01:17:34.000 There's a sameness to them that's shocking because it doesn't seem to exist in other things. 1.00

01:17:40.000 There's people that develop a hardness if they're in the financial business.

01:17:45.000 There's a cutthroat aspect to stocks and bonds and treasuries.

01:17:50.000 There's similarities, but there vary more.

01:17:53.000 The actor is like one thing.

01:17:56.000 You know, it's like strip club DJ. Hey, everybody!

01:17:59.000 Dance is on the table!

01:18:01.000 The big girl's coming up! 0.99

01:18:02.000 They all have the same voice.

01:18:04.000 Strip club DJs have the same voice.

01:18:05.000 And actors have the same.

01:18:07.000 Well, when you audition for something, I was thinking about this the other day.

01:18:10.000 It's not all of them, obviously. 0.94

01:18:11.000 When you go in on an audition, there are so many, it's like watching the fucking Westminster Dog Show.

01:18:16.000 You walk in, you sign in, you schmooze with the other actors, you look at your lines, then when you walk in, you gotta say something clever, and a mild flirtation with the casting director, then you say something that's a little bit naughty, and then you start the scene, and then you finish it, and they tell you you're fucking great, and you tell them it's great to see, and you walk out like you don't need the job. 0.98

01:18:38.000 Ugh! 0.97

01:18:38.000 And then you get in your car in the parking garage and you start slamming your forehead against the steering wheel and hating yourself and then waiting for the call. 0.97

01:18:46.000 Yeah, I only got into acting for money.

01:18:50.000 That's not what I started doing stand-up for.

01:18:52.000 And once I realized that I can make a living without acting, I kind of shied away from it.

01:18:57.000 I didn't act at all for like 10 years until I did a Kevin James movie, the Zookeeper movie.

01:19:01.000 I hadn't done anything in like 10 years.

01:19:03.000 I'd just done stand-up.

01:19:05.000 And acting's work.

01:19:06.000 That's a job.

01:19:07.000 Stand-up is not a job. 0.98

01:19:08.000 Even when the hard part, coming up with new material and putting together a new hour and, you know, trying to structure it and, you know, and worrying, you know, how you're going to fill time, how you're going to start, don't forget anything, I don't want to go up in notes though, fuck, okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.

01:19:20.000 That's still, that kind of work is nothing compared to the work of doing somebody else's stuff.

01:19:25.000 Yeah, because in stand-up you get back exactly what you put into it.

01:19:28.000 And I find sometimes I go on the road and I'll be like, wow, I just worked two weekends in a row.

01:19:31.000 I don't have a single new joke. 0.99

01:19:33.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:19:34.000 Did I just go collect a paycheck? 1.00

01:19:36.000 Because if I did, I need to get another line of work.

01:19:38.000 Because I got kids at home.

01:19:40.000 That's too precious.

01:19:40.000 If I'm going to be away...

01:19:42.000 I gotta be creating.

01:19:43.000 I gotta be doing the thing that got me into the business in the first place.

01:19:46.000 And that's what ultimately leads to more success.

01:19:48.000 You gotta go back to that fun, that danger, that need.

01:19:53.000 You gotta need it when you get up there.

01:19:55.000 We were talking the other day about guys who get old that lose their funny because they get too rich, too comfortable.

01:20:00.000 They don't need it when they get up there. 0.99

01:20:01.000 Well, we were talking, we were playing pool about bands that just, no one even wants to hear any of their new shit. 0.99

01:20:06.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:20:06.000 But then other bands, every time there's a new, you know, blank album, you know, people are interested. 0.97

01:20:10.000 Like, the Rolling Stones released an album recently.

01:20:13.000 Did you know that?

01:20:14.000 Was it a re-release of old stuff?

01:20:15.000 I don't know.

01:20:16.000 Somebody told me that the Rolling...

01:20:17.000 I should be sure before I say that.

01:20:20.000 Well, Springsteen's got a new one and I can't wait to get it.

01:20:22.000 I heard that it's good.

01:20:23.000 People have been saying...

01:20:25.000 That it's good.

01:20:26.000 And I feel the same way about the Chili Peppers.

01:20:28.000 I still, and some people, a lot of people disagree.

01:20:30.000 I think that they're putting out their best stuff now. 0.99

01:20:33.000 That Californication is a great fucking song, man. 0.98

01:20:35.000 That's a great song. 0.99

01:20:37.000 That was, remember Brian, when we were in Phoenix?

01:20:39.000 That was like the theme song for Phoenix?

01:20:41.000 It just came out, and it was so good.

01:20:43.000 We were like, play it again. 1.00

01:20:44.000 Play that shit again. 1.00

01:20:45.000 Yeah, they got another new album that came out about six months ago that's Dynamite. 1.00

01:20:50.000 Subcategories.

01:20:51.000 It doesn't have it.

01:20:52.000 I'm looking at their albums.

01:20:53.000 Coming up next, we got the Chili Peppers at you, followed by the Stones' new CD, Corbett on Stage.

01:21:00.000 How many guys get to do that voice?

01:21:03.000 There's a lot of guys that make a living doing that voice.

01:21:05.000 My dad was one.

01:21:06.000 Really?

01:21:07.000 Well, he was a broadcaster.

01:21:10.000 He did exactly what we're doing right now, except he introduced records.

01:21:13.000 He wasn't a cheeseball, but he was one of the biggest disc jockeys in New York for 20 years.

01:21:17.000 Wow.

01:21:17.000 So you grew up with that.

01:21:19.000 Yeah, I grew up going in and watching him.

01:21:21.000 In the shadow of show business.

01:21:22.000 You grew up looking at it.

01:21:24.000 Yeah, he was famous in New York.

01:21:26.000 I mean, we couldn't walk down the street.

01:21:27.000 Everybody, Fitzy!

01:21:28.000 Hey, Fitz!

01:21:29.000 Yeah, it was pretty cool.

01:21:31.000 What kind of talk radio did he do?

01:21:33.000 He did real liberal spewing hate callers, people that couldn't stand him, and he'd take them on.

01:21:39.000 He was a tough guy from the Bronx, and he could back it up.

01:21:42.000 Smart guy.

01:21:43.000 Remember that?

01:21:44.000 That was like the only time audience members could interact before Twitter. 1.00

01:21:47.000 You know, now people get fucking shit on you. 1.00

01:21:50.000 People used to be able to catch you on the phone. 1.00

01:21:51.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:21:52.000 I just want to say I think you're a fucking bum. 1.00

01:21:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:54.000 They'd be able to call you up like, oh, we're going to go to the phone calls. 1.00

01:21:58.000 Oh, they're bubbling with anger.

01:21:59.000 Yeah.

01:22:00.000 You know, you could pretty much be filtered from most of them unless you went on a few shows.

01:22:05.000 Well, I do a show still on SiriusXM on Stern's channel, and we get a call screen that shows me like whatever seven or eight calls are up.

01:22:13.000 Name, where they're from, what they want to talk about. 1.00

01:22:16.000 And if it says, thinks you're a piece of shit and you suck, click, hey, how you doing, Bill in Denver? 1.00

01:22:21.000 Those are the only calls I take. 1.00

01:22:22.000 I love it because I know that after two or three minutes they're going to go, I'm fucking around, dude, I love you. 0.95

01:22:28.000 Or just silence and a hang-up because they couldn't back up. 0.99

01:22:31.000 They're opening fucking barrage. 0.99

01:22:33.000 They couldn't back up. 0.99

01:22:34.000 Well, Greg, I should preface this by saying that Greg is one of those guys where every now and then, like today or yesterday, I got a message from him. 0.99

01:22:44.000 Who the fuck is this guy? 0.98

01:22:45.000 Some guy on Twitter that's giving him a hard time. 1.00

01:22:47.000 Do you know who this fucking guy is? 1.00

01:22:49.000 I'll tell you what, meet these fucking cowards face to face. 1.00

01:22:54.000 You actually pull your pants up and go, get off my lawn! 1.00

01:22:57.000 You actually will engage them.

01:23:00.000 Dude, I almost got in a fist fight the other day.

01:23:02.000 Whoa.

01:23:03.000 On stage the other night.

01:23:04.000 I was in Chicago.

01:23:05.000 You did get in a fist fight in Boston.

01:23:07.000 Yeah, many.

01:23:08.000 Many.

01:23:08.000 In Boston at Stitches.

01:23:10.000 Didn't some guy come on stage?

01:23:11.000 Yeah.

01:23:11.000 And you got in a fist fight with them.

01:23:13.000 They separate you.

01:23:15.000 Everything gets separated.

01:23:16.000 And then Greg goes up to the mic and goes, all right, who's next? 1.00

01:23:23.000 I got my ass kicked. 0.99

01:23:24.000 He had me in a headlock. 1.00

01:23:26.000 He just got out of the Israeli army and he had me in a headlock. 1.00

01:23:29.000 He's spinning me around like a fucking helicopter. 0.99

01:23:31.000 And I go, alright, who's next? 0.99

01:23:35.000 You remember the video of the guy with the guitar?

01:23:37.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:23:38.000 Some guy beat the fucking dude in the audience over the head with a guitar. 1.00

01:23:41.000 And that was back when people did videotape shit. 1.00

01:23:43.000 That was magic because it was actually... 0.99

01:23:45.000 Nowadays, you probably can find that all over the place, but that was legendary.

01:23:49.000 But no, I still get into fistfights.

01:23:50.000 This guy was heckling me from the back.

01:23:52.000 He didn't heckle me.

01:23:52.000 I'm doing this joke about Hispanics.

01:23:54.000 And he goes, back off!

01:23:56.000 I go, what?

01:23:58.000 Back off! 1.00

01:23:58.000 I go, what are you talking about? 1.00

01:23:59.000 Back off! 1.00

01:24:00.000 I go, alright, fine.

01:24:01.000 And I ask for a wireless mic for this exact reason. 0.99

01:24:03.000 I fucking walk right off. 0.98

01:24:04.000 He's in the back row. 0.99

01:24:05.000 Place is packed.

01:24:06.000 Walk right up to his table.

01:24:08.000 What are you saying?

01:24:09.000 You don't need to be talking about Hispanics. 1.00

01:24:11.000 I go, I just shit on Jewish people, Chinese people, Irish people, black people. 1.00

01:24:15.000 You're last in line. 1.00

01:24:17.000 I'm not even a tack and nothing. 0.99

01:24:18.000 And he's fucking fist clenched looking at me. 0.99

01:24:21.000 I go, come on, man. 1.00

01:24:22.000 Come on.

01:24:22.000 Come on, man.

01:24:24.000 And I just fucking eye contact, three feet away, like go ahead, stand up. 0.98

01:24:28.000 What are you doing? 1.00

01:24:28.000 Do you shoot you or stab you or something? 1.00

01:24:30.000 I don't know what it is. 0.99

01:24:31.000 I am drawn.

01:24:32.000 You just get crazy?

01:24:32.000 I get crazy.

01:24:33.000 Irish.

01:24:34.000 I'm Irish and I think it's also on stage. 1.00

01:24:36.000 That's my fucking stage, man. 1.00

01:24:38.000 But you're not. 1.00

01:24:38.000 You're in the audience. 1.00

01:24:39.000 I know.

01:24:41.000 I remember I had a joke about Roswell, New Mexico, about the UFO crash and about how the government, they're printed in the paper.

01:24:49.000 I actually have the day's newspaper, the Roswell Daily Record.

01:24:53.000 It's at my house in a frame.

01:24:54.000 It said, we have recovered a flying disc that the government says.

01:24:59.000 This is the first captured flying saucer.

01:25:01.000 Then the next day they said, oh, it was just a balloon.

01:25:05.000 I go, what about the aliens?

01:25:07.000 I go, those are Mexicans. 1.00

01:25:09.000 Apparently they were up in the balloon, they were drinking, some shenanigans took place, but they thought it was a piñata.

01:25:14.000 This chick stands up at the comedy store. 1.00

01:25:17.000 Don't be fucking talking about Mexicans! 1.00

01:25:21.000 Don't be fucking talking about Mexicans! 1.00

01:25:22.000 I go, did you even listen to what I said? 1.00

01:25:25.000 Like, I'm not even making fun of Mexicans.

01:25:27.000 I'm making fun of the government for a lame excuse for this crashed UFO. And it's a simple joke about the word aliens having two meanings.

01:25:36.000 Not really much deeper than that.

01:25:37.000 Jesus Christ!

01:25:39.000 But no, I hit a hot button. 1.00

01:25:40.000 Some people are so stupid, just the word is a hot button. 1.00

01:25:43.000 Oh, this is my favorite. 1.00

01:25:44.000 I'm doing a college and I do this joke.

01:25:45.000 It's probably...

01:25:46.000 You probably remember it. 0.97

01:25:47.000 This is fucking way long ago. 0.96

01:25:49.000 And I said, in college I was on the crew team, the rowing team, and I didn't know anything about the sport except when I'd seen those ancient Roman slave ship movies. 0.95

01:25:56.000 So I showed up for the first day of practice with a big drum and a whip, and we won the league that year, and we captured one of Harvard ships and sold them off as slaves in the Adriatic Sea. 0.99

01:26:05.000 Stupid joke. 0.99

01:26:06.000 And exactly the kind of joke you probably hated me for when I was coming up. 1.00

01:26:09.000 Like, clever, not that funny...

01:26:11.000 You're paranoid, man.

01:26:12.000 I didn't hate you for your jokes.

01:26:13.000 No, I'm just kidding. 1.00

01:26:14.000 So I'm at the college and I do that joke and this fucking black chick goes, you don't do no fucking jokes about slaves? 1.00

01:26:20.000 And I go, ma'am, ma'am, collect yourself. 1.00

01:26:22.000 Number one.

01:26:24.000 Talking about Roman slaves.

01:26:25.000 They were white.

01:26:26.000 You didn't corner the market on slavery.

01:26:28.000 Sit down. 1.00

01:26:29.000 And fucking she wouldn't stop. 1.00

01:26:32.000 Wouldn't stop in the face of a fact that went against her whole fucking... 1.00

01:26:37.000 So what are you saying? 0.99

01:26:38.000 That slavery has never existed?

01:26:40.000 Or that because blacks have been one of the groups that has been subjugated into slavery that you're defending all slavery?

01:26:47.000 Is it just not on the table?

01:26:48.000 It should not be discussed? 1.00

01:26:50.000 Because you're a college where you're supposed to discuss shit. 1.00

01:26:52.000 And break it down. 1.00

01:26:54.000 And I just went off on that rant.

01:26:56.000 Well, I found that colleges were more PC and more restricted and censored than anywhere.

01:27:03.000 People would get upset if you would bring up anything controversial.

01:27:06.000 Look at the board.

01:27:07.000 Anything racial.

01:27:08.000 Well, anything racial, anything sexist, anything homophobic, but there's a difference between racist and racial.

01:27:15.000 There's a difference between discussing homosexuality and homophobic, and they can't make that distinction.

01:27:20.000 It's all buzzwords.

01:27:21.000 And just real facts about humanity that people don't want you to talk about when it comes to You know, a bunch of different races. 0.99

01:27:29.000 It's fascinating.

01:27:30.000 It's part of, you know, what's interesting about life is like discussing what different people do in different parts of the world, you know?

01:27:36.000 And I love that when you bring up religion on stage and somebody gets upset, like I'll say, I don't believe in the Ten Commandments.

01:27:42.000 And then you see somebody cross their arms and get pissed, and I just stop and go, okay, hold on, lady.

01:27:47.000 Am I a preacher? 0.99

01:27:48.000 Did you hire me to fucking lecture? 1.00

01:27:50.000 I'm a dick joke comic. 1.00

01:27:51.000 I tell jokes to drunks. 1.00

01:27:53.000 If you're looking at me as the guidance in you or anybody else's life, you're a fucking idiot. 1.00

01:27:59.000 I'm a comic. 1.00

01:28:01.000 We're the lowest fucking form of speech in society. 0.99

01:28:06.000 I think AM talk radio is lower than us. 0.99

01:28:09.000 Oh, Phil Hendry?

01:28:10.000 Well, that's good.

01:28:11.000 He's really good, though.

01:28:12.000 He's coming on my show next week.

01:28:13.000 Is he?

01:28:13.000 Oh, that's awesome.

01:28:15.000 That guy's hilarious. 0.87

01:28:16.000 He's a professional troll.

01:28:17.000 What's he been up to lately? 0.94

01:28:19.000 He trolled before the internet.

01:28:20.000 He's doing...

01:28:21.000 I think he's got a lot of podcast stuff and a website, but he's still got an AM show going in LA. Actually, Art Bell is AM radio as well.

01:28:28.000 Art Bell.

01:28:29.000 Yeah, AM's more like the highbrow.

01:28:31.000 Well, now you know they're doing a lot of sports is going to FM now, sports talk.

01:28:35.000 Really?

01:28:36.000 Because people want to hear sports talk, but young generations don't even tune into AM. They just don't.

01:28:41.000 They don't even look.

01:28:41.000 Yeah.

01:28:42.000 So it's like AM is just losing listeners.

01:28:45.000 People are dying off.

01:28:46.000 Yeah, the only time I've ever put on AM is to hear a sports game, which is rare because I don't listen to sports.

01:28:50.000 Mine's for traffic and news. 0.79

01:28:52.000 Like if you're in your car and you're like, shit, I need to know what's going on because they always have like that every 10 minutes. 0.99

01:28:56.000 I only used to listen to when Art Bell was on. 0.99

01:28:59.000 When Art Bell was on AM, I'd be coming home from the Comedy Store at 1 o'clock in the morning listening to Art Bell.

01:29:03.000 Talking to some dude who just got here from Mars.

01:29:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:29:08.000 Art Bell had the best fucking show ever for driving by yourself late at night. 0.99

01:29:13.000 You know, because it was always some fucking UFO shit or cloning or... 0.99

01:29:17.000 Pre-podcast, though, you'd probably be listening to something different. 0.99

01:29:20.000 Yeah, but it was nothing like that on the air.

01:29:23.000 And shows like that, you could actually get your call through because it's late at night on AM. It's got three guys on the line, tops.

01:29:29.000 Well, didn't he have a guy who called and said that he was in Area 51?

01:29:33.000 I'm calling from Area 51. And then at the end, he yells and hangs up the phone.

01:29:38.000 Like, he's saying that they fucking captured him. 0.97

01:29:39.000 He's trying to tell him where all the UFOs are and all the security that we've got down here. 0.97

01:29:43.000 We have seven craft.

01:29:44.000 I can't believe I'm telling you this, but there's seven disc-shaped crafts.

01:29:48.000 They operate.

01:29:49.000 We don't understand what it is.

01:29:49.000 They sent us in here to back-engineer him.

01:29:51.000 Shh, shh, hold on.

01:29:52.000 Something's going!

01:29:53.000 Hold on! 0.98

01:29:53.000 And they just hang up the phone. 0.98

01:29:58.000 It's like Wilson Wells all over again.

01:30:00.000 Yeah, it probably was Phil Hendry.

01:30:01.000 Well, what do you think in terms of...

01:30:02.000 All right, you got a big podcast.

01:30:04.000 I have a fairly big podcast. 0.93

01:30:07.000 But I feel like, what the fuck could the future possibly hold except this freeform... 0.53

01:30:13.000 All content, no restriction radio. 0.96

01:30:17.000 How does that compare?

01:30:18.000 For free, anywhere you want it.

01:30:19.000 You can download it, listen when you want, pause it.

01:30:22.000 How does that compare to, I gotta have it on, it's streaming live, it's censored.

01:30:28.000 How do you think in 10 years people are going to listen?

01:30:32.000 Because it started as radio.

01:30:34.000 It's becoming...

01:30:35.000 Then it was satellite podcasting.

01:30:37.000 Do you think this is the one that's going to hold?

01:30:39.000 Well, I think there's a place for this.

01:30:41.000 And this isn't the ultimate thing to sit when you're home with your girl and you want to watch something on TV. You don't want to sit and watch a fucking podcast. 0.99

01:30:47.000 I mean, that's weird to sit and watch a conversation. 0.99

01:30:49.000 I think you maybe want to watch a movie or maybe want to watch a sitcom or... 0.99

01:30:53.000 But for times, especially when you're doing boring labor, you know, like you're fucking stacking boxes and shit. 0.99

01:30:59.000 Like there's a lot of people that are listening to this right now that are working jobs. 0.99

01:31:02.000 Yep. 0.75

01:31:02.000 And they either have an iPod on or they have a little, you know, a player somewhere where it's, you know, an MP3 player or whatever the fuck it is. 0.75

01:31:10.000 And they're listening to this while they're driving in their cars. 0.58

01:31:12.000 They're listening to this while they're on planes.

01:31:14.000 There's a place for this form of entertainment.

01:31:17.000 You know, and that's why I really don't have any desire to do anything else.

01:31:20.000 You know, I've thought about doing other different sort of TV projects, but really the best thing that I do is like this and stand-up.

01:31:27.000 And then the UFC. That's like enough stuff.

01:31:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:31:29.000 It's like to venture off into more acting as well.

01:31:34.000 It's just pretending, you know? 0.97

01:31:35.000 Yeah, when I look at the fact that in stand-up and podcasting, I can literally say anything except kill the president. 0.91

01:31:43.000 It's a mind boggling. 0.80

01:31:44.000 What?

01:31:44.000 Did you just...

01:31:45.000 He's not...

01:31:46.000 Mitt is not president yet. 0.98

01:31:48.000 I think I can say kill Mitt Romney. 0.90

01:31:51.000 No, you can't. 0.91

01:31:52.000 You can't?

01:31:52.000 You cannot.

01:31:53.000 No, he's running for president.

01:31:54.000 I'm just saying in theory...

01:31:56.000 But I guess my question really though is like, do you think that eventually it's going to be like you're going to turn on your radio in your car and it's going to be podcast streaming?

01:32:04.000 It already is.

01:32:05.000 It already is.

01:32:06.000 Stitcher.

01:32:06.000 Ford has the sync, which has like a 3G build into it and like you can download like Stitcher and stuff like that.

01:32:13.000 But Stitcher steals content and you need to get off Stitcher.

01:32:16.000 I got off it.

01:32:17.000 I've gotten Corolla off it.

01:32:19.000 I've gotten everybody off it because...

01:32:21.000 They steal your content.

01:32:22.000 They cut and paste it.

01:32:23.000 You don't get any record of the downloads.

01:32:25.000 Yeah, you do.

01:32:26.000 You get full charts and records and numbers.

01:32:29.000 They didn't used to.

01:32:29.000 And they're running ads.

01:32:30.000 They're running banner ads on your content.

01:32:32.000 So there's advertising going on your content that you're not participating in.

01:32:36.000 Yeah, those little iTunes ads.

01:32:38.000 Those are million dollar ads.

01:32:40.000 I don't know what it is, but this is what I know.

01:32:43.000 Stitcher is an easy resource to put something out that's already free.

01:32:47.000 My thing is already free. 0.98

01:32:48.000 And Stitcher allows more people to get my free shit. 0.97

01:32:51.000 That's how I look at it. 0.98

01:32:52.000 A lot of people like it.

01:32:53.000 They use it.

01:32:53.000 I think it's a good deal.

01:32:54.000 To me, it's just another distribution platform. 0.95

01:32:56.000 My advertisement is in Onnit.com, which I own part of, and in the Fleshlight, which has been our sponsor since we were on a laptop with fucking snowflakes in the background. 0.98

01:33:06.000 Yeah.

01:33:06.000 So for me, I like Stitcher.

01:33:08.000 I like the fact that it gets to other people.

01:33:10.000 Some people don't like it because it can mess with your iTunes, your ratings, your iTunes numbers.

01:33:16.000 But we're always in the top ten, and we have every way you can get it.

01:33:20.000 You can download it as a free MP3. You can have it through an RSS feed.

01:33:25.000 You can have it through Stitcher.

01:33:26.000 You can have it through Ustream.

01:33:28.000 You can have it through Vimeo.

01:33:30.000 We have it on iTunes.

01:33:31.000 We make it as readily available as you can get a copy of it, throw it up on torrents.

01:33:36.000 Who cares?

01:33:37.000 Do whatever you want with it.

01:33:38.000 It's out there.

01:33:38.000 But say you had a CD, right?

01:33:41.000 Somebody buys it.

01:33:41.000 That's different.

01:33:42.000 All right, say somebody...

01:33:44.000 I mean, to me, it doesn't even need a metaphor.

01:33:47.000 Something that's free.

01:33:48.000 Your content is being taken and sold, basically.

01:33:51.000 They have done a service for me, and they've distributed it to me for me to even more.

01:33:55.000 But you can do that service.

01:33:56.000 But I'm already doing that service, and they have expanded my market.

01:33:59.000 They've given more people something that I do for free.

01:34:02.000 And they have a good product.

01:34:03.000 That I do for free anyway, and I only do...

01:34:06.000 I mean, I only do it free.

01:34:09.000 So if more people get my free podcast, good.

01:34:12.000 So if somebody's making a couple bucks selling ads in order to distribute my podcast, that's what it's worth to them.

01:34:17.000 It's not that much money.

01:34:18.000 Well, I guess for me, my issue is I have ads that I get paid per download and that they weren't giving me the count on those.

01:34:23.000 So that was taking money out of my pocket.

01:34:25.000 And then on top of it, when I found out that they were running ads on my content, that's double Yeah.

01:34:30.000 That's a double whammy. 0.99

01:34:31.000 And to me, it's like the more guys that are on Stitcher, the more people just go, well, fuck it. 0.93

01:34:35.000 I'm just going to listen to podcasts on Stitcher instead of people going, I'm not going to be on this thing because it's a bad business model for the future of podcasting.

01:34:42.000 You have a different sort of a take on it.

01:34:46.000 My take on it is not based on, I didn't have a thing that would pay me based on downloads.

01:34:52.000 So that makes a lot more sense that you'd be pissed.

01:34:53.000 Yeah, but now you have the numbers.

01:34:54.000 You can give them those numbers of those downloads.

01:34:56.000 I actually use Stitcher so much because I like the software.

01:35:00.000 Yeah, you know, that would actually be a thing if you could work it into, that'd be like the best solution.

01:35:04.000 Like, listen, I still have additional downloads outside of iTunes.

01:35:07.000 Can we incorporate those in?

01:35:08.000 Yeah, why wouldn't you add them up anyways?

01:35:09.000 They should be able to because they're still legitimate listeners.

01:35:11.000 Yeah.

01:35:11.000 Yeah, that's a good point.

01:35:12.000 I guess I got miffed because I found out about it and I emailed them.

01:35:17.000 They didn't respond.

01:35:18.000 And then when they finally did, they denied it.

01:35:21.000 And then when they were found to be, oh, no, yeah, we do do that, but we'll give you like a penny per million.

01:35:27.000 And it's like, first of all, don't make me an offer now that you've already stolen it and sold it and made money.

01:35:32.000 And now you're I want to negotiate and give me a shitty offer. 0.98

01:35:35.000 So I just thought, these are bad people. 0.97

01:35:37.000 These are not.

01:35:38.000 And I've had the same conversation with a number of big podcasters who had the same experience.

01:35:43.000 When they confronted them, they denied it. 0.96

01:35:45.000 They made shitty offers. 0.99

01:35:46.000 They were disrespectful. 0.99

01:35:48.000 And to me, it's setting up a business model.

01:35:50.000 It's possible. 0.99

01:35:51.000 You do this, say you do this, say fuck it, I'm doing four podcasts a week and I'm not going to go on the road. 1.00

01:35:56.000 I'm going to sell ads. 0.99

01:35:57.000 Now all of a sudden there's going to be other aggregator sites like Stitcher that have already culled your RSS feed, copied it, pasted it so it's not connected and you're not getting counts.

01:36:08.000 Do you have public RSS feeds on your website?

01:36:10.000 Yes, but they have to be, you know, they have to stream through my RSS feed.

01:36:15.000 They can't just take the content.

01:36:16.000 Right, if they stream your RSS feed then that means...

01:36:18.000 But they don't.

01:36:19.000 No, no, I mean, that means that you're just saying that any player can do the same thing Stitcher does.

01:36:22.000 We cannot have another RSS feed argument.

01:36:25.000 Alright, yeah, yeah, let's not do that. 1.00

01:36:26.000 Let's talk about the goddamn political race. 0.94

01:36:28.000 But it is an important point that you're bringing up, and especially what you were saying that, you know, you were getting paid by the download. 0.99

01:36:35.000 And I didn't have any experience with negotiating with them because to me, it was nothing but a good thing.

01:36:40.000 So I didn't get to experience the lying or whatever you say you experienced.

01:36:44.000 I didn't get to experience that because my take right away was like, okay, good.

01:36:48.000 Now more people can hear it.

01:36:49.000 We have hundreds of thousands of people that listen outside of iTunes.

01:36:53.000 So for us...

01:36:54.000 To have the more distribution that way, the better.

01:36:58.000 And Stitcher's actually really good people.

01:36:59.000 I had dinner with the president, and he was a really nice guy.

01:37:02.000 Of course they're good people.

01:37:03.000 You're giving them free content.

01:37:04.000 No, no, no.

01:37:04.000 They probably love you.

01:37:05.000 I'm giving free content out to every single person in the world, and they just happen to have a player that they use.

01:37:13.000 I mean, it does the same thing.

01:37:14.000 See, I don't get what you and a few of the other podcasters guys are saying because you're giving something for free out anyways.

01:37:20.000 Oh, wait a minute.

01:37:21.000 Didn't you have an argument with somebody on the show? 1.00

01:37:22.000 All right, well then, fuck it. 1.00

01:37:23.000 I don't want to go down that road. 1.00

01:37:24.000 Let's just say that I said my piece.

01:37:26.000 I get you.

01:37:27.000 We're both going after different things.

01:37:29.000 It's a podcast.

01:37:30.000 And I guess there's going to be...

01:37:32.000 Look, we're finding...

01:37:33.000 Podcasting is finding its footing and how it's going to be delivered.

01:37:37.000 And this will be an ongoing discussion and see what makes most sense and what's the most ethical.

01:37:42.000 Yeah, I mean, a bunch of guys are doing different things.

01:37:44.000 Like, Maren, I know, has a thing where you can't get his old ones unless you pay.

01:37:49.000 Yeah, premium listenership.

01:37:49.000 Yeah, premium.

01:37:50.000 Yeah, that's smart.

01:37:52.000 Yeah, I guess.

01:37:52.000 I think he's done really well with that.

01:37:54.000 Yeah, but it seems to me like you're charging something for something that you also have for free.

01:37:59.000 Like, why not just have it for free?

01:38:01.000 We're just trying to find new ways to make money.

01:38:02.000 I know, but it seems weird.

01:38:04.000 The old ones, they have to pay for the old ones?

01:38:07.000 Don't you want them to get all your stuff?

01:38:09.000 If you want any of it free, it seems to me that it should all be free.

01:38:13.000 Well, I think so, to a point.

01:38:14.000 I think that a lot of times with premium membership, they take out the commercials.

01:38:19.000 Oh, really?

01:38:19.000 And they, you know, a lot of times, like, I have something I give away for free, which is, like, the best of Fitz Dog Radio.

01:38:24.000 And it's just, I've got, like, five or six, like, Zach Galifianakis and Jimmy Kimmel, like, some bigger names.

01:38:30.000 Right.

01:38:30.000 And I sort of took the best five, six, eight minutes from each as a way of just promoting the show and putting it out there.

01:38:37.000 Originally, I was thinking, oh, I should make a bunch of best ofs and sell them.

01:38:40.000 And I went, no, that doesn't make sense.

01:38:41.000 I'd rather drive people.

01:38:42.000 It's all about building.

01:38:43.000 I just want more and more people to experience it.

01:38:45.000 If they like it, keep listening.

01:38:46.000 If not, they tried it.

01:38:47.000 Well, what we started doing is Brian started that Death Squad network of podcasts just for that very reason when I was telling you about it at the pool hall.

01:38:55.000 Yeah.

01:38:55.000 To try to expand, to use the popularity of this podcast to make that more popular and sort of launch all these little different guys off into their own little podcast world.

01:39:07.000 Yeah.

01:39:08.000 And because of podcasts, a lot of our friends are making a living now that weren't making a living before.

01:39:13.000 Yeah, that's great.

01:39:14.000 And they've done it.

01:39:15.000 And they've done it through content, not through marketing their name or their last comic standing appearance.

01:39:22.000 But actually, you've listened hour after hour to me, and now you're going to be inclined to come see it.

01:39:26.000 They'd love to come see it.

01:39:28.000 Like Joey Diaz, apparently they did a gig up in upstate New York. 0.99

01:39:31.000 Joey got a standing ovation from the entire fucking room. 0.99

01:39:34.000 They freaked out as soon as they saw him. 1.00

01:39:36.000 He's a star.

01:39:37.000 That's amazing.

01:39:38.000 He should have been like that a long time ago. 1.00

01:39:39.000 He needed something like a podcast to really let the audience see who the fuck he really was. 0.99

01:39:45.000 The day that Whitney Houston died, I said in honor of the death of the great Whitney Houston, here's a video of Joey Diaz talking about selling coke to her. 0.99

01:39:55.000 Oh no!

01:39:57.000 The day she died?

01:39:58.000 She died.

01:39:59.000 I totally should have done it.

01:40:01.000 I totally should have done it.

01:40:02.000 It was so rude. 0.99

01:40:04.000 Did you get a lot of shit about it? 1.00

01:40:05.000 No. 1.00

01:40:06.000 No.

01:40:07.000 Look, that was one that everybody saw coming. 0.99

01:40:09.000 I mean, that was ridiculous. 0.96

01:40:10.000 Yeah. 0.79

01:40:10.000 I mean, Whitney Houston had that TV show with Bobby Brown. 0.79

01:40:12.000 Do you remember?

01:40:13.000 I know. 1.00

01:40:15.000 That's my shit! 1.00

01:40:16.000 Crack is whack! 1.00

01:40:17.000 Yeah.

01:40:17.000 Oh, my God.

01:40:18.000 They'd be screaming at each other.

01:40:19.000 It was chaos.

01:40:21.000 They'd be screaming at each other.

01:40:22.000 Remember when they would be?

01:40:24.000 I said they'd be screaming at each other.

01:40:25.000 I didn't say they'd be screaming at each other.

01:40:27.000 I said they'd be.

01:40:30.000 How dare you, Brian?

01:40:31.000 How dare you?

01:40:34.000 They'd be screaming.

01:40:35.000 That's offensive to some people.

01:40:36.000 You can't even say that.

01:40:37.000 They'd be screaming.

01:40:38.000 You can't talk like that.

01:40:39.000 You're not allowed to.

01:40:40.000 Yeah, you can.

01:40:40.000 You can.

01:40:40.000 I agree.

01:40:41.000 They'd be talking like woo-wee.

01:40:43.000 Yeah, you're not allowed to.

01:40:44.000 You're not allowed to say that.

01:40:45.000 I find the more I say it, the more I'm allowed to.

01:40:50.000 You know, it's all about saying it a lot.

01:40:52.000 You have to, like, stay wet.

01:40:53.000 It's like, you know when you get out of the pool and you dry off and then you don't want to go back in?

01:40:57.000 Just stay wet.

01:40:58.000 Our vocabulary is slowly being diminished.

01:41:00.000 Yeah.

01:41:00.000 You know, someone talked about the Jeremy Lin incident where a reporter got in trouble for saying a chink in his arm.

01:41:06.000 I know.

01:41:07.000 Accidentally.

01:41:07.000 He wasn't saying it as a joke.

01:41:09.000 It slipped out.

01:41:10.000 That is what you say.

01:41:11.000 It's not... 0.98

01:41:12.000 So we're supposed to run every fucking thing we say through the prism of political correctness and who might... 0.97

01:41:17.000 How do you talk? 0.99

01:41:18.000 Craziness.

01:41:19.000 Or unless the guy was trying to be cute.

01:41:21.000 Because then you have to say, if the guy was just trying to be cute, yeah, that's kind of a douchey thing to do.

01:41:25.000 If the guy was just trying...

01:41:26.000 I mean, he's never really going to admit it.

01:41:28.000 He's not going to say, look, I was trying to be cute.

01:41:29.000 I got caught.

01:41:30.000 Whatever.

01:41:31.000 I said chink. 1.00

01:41:32.000 He's a Chinese guy.

01:41:34.000 You get it?

01:41:34.000 You know, but people were upset enough that that guy, like, he got suspended, right?

01:41:40.000 He got fired.

01:41:41.000 No, I think the writer, somebody wrote it, and then he said it.

01:41:45.000 I think the broadcaster might have gotten suspended or got his wrist slapped, but I think the guy who wrote it into the copy was fired.

01:41:51.000 Well, he was probably trying to be cute.

01:41:52.000 If he wrote it, actually wrote it down.

01:41:54.000 Come on, when you write things, you think about them way more than just say them.

01:41:57.000 It's hard to think he didn't catch that.

01:41:59.000 I said kamikaze this weekend in Japan during a fight and it was totally accidental.

01:42:05.000 Because a guy was losing.

01:42:06.000 But it's okay.

01:42:07.000 Kamikaze is not like in Japan.

01:42:09.000 Saying kamikaze in Japan is not like calling someone a chink.

01:42:12.000 They were revered warriors that risked their lives.

01:42:16.000 They're brave to have done...

01:42:18.000 They extinguished them.

01:42:19.000 Well, they were pretty sure they were going to die and they were correct.

01:42:22.000 But there was a dude who was losing, and I said, look, he's losing. 0.99

01:42:26.000 The only way he's going to win this fight is if he goes just fucking kamikaze at him. 0.97

01:42:31.000 I didn't even think about it until somebody wrote it online. 0.99

01:42:33.000 I can't believe Rogan said kamikaze.

01:42:35.000 That's what I would say.

01:42:36.000 That's what I would always say. 1.00

01:42:37.000 You've got to just go kill or be killed. 1.00

01:42:39.000 Just go in there. 1.00

01:42:40.000 Dive bomb on him. 0.96

01:42:41.000 No, I write on a lot of black shows for some reason. 0.96

01:42:43.000 I've written on like four black shows. 1.00

01:42:45.000 And I always say shit. 0.99

01:42:47.000 Well, Wanda Sykes and Cedric the Entertainer Presents. 1.00

01:42:50.000 That was the first gig I ever got.

01:42:51.000 Louis brought me onto that.

01:42:53.000 And then I wrote on Jamie Foxx's show this past spring.

01:42:57.000 And so every time I come in, it's like because I'm white and it's almost always like all... 0.97

01:43:02.000 Like the Jamie Foxx thing, I was the only white guy.

01:43:04.000 And I was brought in.

01:43:05.000 Things weren't going well.

01:43:06.000 And then they brought me in and Hugh Fink to try to help out.

01:43:11.000 What was the Jamie Foxx thing?

01:43:12.000 It was this guy named Afion Crockett had a sketch show that Jamie Foxx was producing.

01:43:17.000 It was a late night talk show.

01:43:21.000 Everything I said was taken like, oh, you got to say whip.

01:43:26.000 Let's whip this into shape kind of thing.

01:43:29.000 It was always like, Oh, there he goes again!

01:43:32.000 They were calling me Mr. Magoo because I would just blindly walk into things.

01:43:35.000 It was funny.

01:43:37.000 Nobody was offended, but it was like the running joke. 0.99

01:43:39.000 It's so easy to just say the wrong fucking thing. 0.98

01:43:42.000 No, it was hilarious. 0.99

01:43:43.000 It was like classic ball busting. 0.90

01:43:46.000 No, it's hard, man, because I really do feel like every time you put a word...

01:43:51.000 Take it off the table.

01:43:53.000 You're taking the idea off the table.

01:43:54.000 What you're really doing is saying, no, we're not allowed to explore, discuss, dissect, and possibly deflate an idea.

01:44:03.000 We have to just pretend it's not there because it's just, I don't know.

01:44:09.000 I don't know where political correctness even comes from. 0.99

01:44:12.000 Who came up with the idea that people go to college where you're supposed to open your mind and then tell a comedian that he can't tell a bunch of 20-year-olds you can't say fuck. 1.00

01:44:20.000 I can't say fuck in front of a bunch of 20-year-olds. 1.00

01:44:22.000 All they do is fuck and drink and I can't talk about drinking or fucking. 1.00

01:44:26.000 Why am I here? 1.00

01:44:27.000 Why are you charging them 30 grand a year?

01:44:30.000 For what?

01:44:31.000 To protect them from ideas at college?

01:44:34.000 Do you know that the Board of Governors of every major university is overwhelmingly occupied by Fortune 500 board members?

01:44:42.000 Really?

01:44:43.000 Yeah.

01:44:44.000 College is there to create middle managers.

01:44:46.000 It's there to dull down anybody that's going to challenge the status quo.

01:44:49.000 My wife's dad is a- I thought it was just there to ruin neighborhoods. 1.00

01:44:56.000 All the Ivy League schools are in the worst fucking neighborhoods. 1.00

01:44:59.000 Columbia. 1.00

01:45:00.000 Well, Harvard.

01:45:01.000 Yale. 1.00

01:45:01.000 You can get shot and stabbed anywhere near Harvard. 1.00

01:45:04.000 Yep. 0.88

01:45:06.000 Berkeley, I think, at one point was a bad neighbor, but I think it's good now.

01:45:09.000 Berkeley is good now.

01:45:10.000 Yeah.

01:45:10.000 Yeah, but it's close to Oakland, right?

01:45:12.000 Isn't it?

01:45:13.000 Does that work?

01:45:14.000 Yes.

01:45:14.000 Yeah, it's Oakland and then Berkeley.

01:45:16.000 But the point is, my wife's dad, who graduated number one in his class from Yale, got a medical degree, ran for president on the Green Party in California in 2000, and got close to Nader. 0.98

01:45:31.000 Brilliant fucking guy. 0.94

01:45:32.000 His textbooks are published all over the world. 1.00

01:45:35.000 He had the Alger Hiss chair in sociology at Bard College.

01:45:38.000 Very progressive, liberal, Jewish school in New York.

01:45:42.000 And he wrote a book that was anti-Zionist.

01:45:45.000 In his opinion, Israel is a terrorist state that has attacked the Palestinians in, you know...

01:45:53.000 He lost his chair. 0.89

01:45:54.000 Was fired.

01:45:56.000 Because the alumni didn't like his view. 0.99

01:46:02.000 What the fuck is a college supposed to be? 0.99

01:46:06.000 Discourse. 0.99

01:46:07.000 Argument.

01:46:08.000 But that's not what it is.

01:46:09.000 It's just preparing people for work.

01:46:11.000 Yes.

01:46:12.000 I mean, it's sort of discourse and argument, but it's also preparing you for work.

01:46:16.000 For what work?

01:46:17.000 I mean, if you look at the future of this country, where is the work coming from? 0.99

01:46:20.000 It ain't coming from the fucking auto factories. 0.98

01:46:22.000 It ain't coming from the farms. 0.99

01:46:23.000 We don't know where it's coming from.

01:46:25.000 It's going to come from minds that have gone into the depths of challenged ideas and come out of it with the tools to take the status quo and change it and create and develop.

01:46:35.000 I couldn't imagine even existing and going to school in the age of the internet.

01:46:41.000 It must be so fucking different. 0.82

01:46:43.000 I know. 0.97

01:46:44.000 It must be so different.

01:46:45.000 Because you can't stop anybody from googling anything at any time. 1.00

01:46:49.000 The teacher can't be full of shit. 0.99

01:46:51.000 Everything has to be checked and the information is passing so quickly. 1.00

01:46:55.000 Mm-hmm.

01:46:57.000 No, you can go to classes.

01:46:59.000 I forget, I was talking to somebody in college and they were gonna sit down and open up their laptop to watch the class that they'd missed because they videotaped the lectures.

01:47:06.000 And you can just download them.

01:47:08.000 So you got an eight o'clock class in January in Boston, you gonna get out of bed? 1.00

01:47:12.000 Fuck no. 1.00

01:47:13.000 You wait two hours and you watch it on your computer. 1.00

01:47:15.000 So why are you in Boston paying for a dorm room and all this shit? 0.99

01:47:19.000 Just go to, what's the online university? 0.99

01:47:23.000 What is it?

01:47:24.000 Phoenix.

01:47:25.000 Phoenix.

01:47:25.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:47:25.000 University of Phoenix or whatever.

01:47:27.000 Well, I think MIT offers...

01:47:28.000 They offer a lot of their lectures available online as well.

01:47:31.000 Like, there's a lot of, like...

01:47:32.000 You can literally get...

01:47:33.000 I mean, there was, like, the education joke in the...

01:47:36.000 What was the movie with...

01:47:39.000 Matt Damon and...

01:47:41.000 Striptease?

01:47:42.000 No, the Boston boys.

01:47:45.000 Matt Damon and...

01:47:47.000 Show me the apples.

01:47:49.000 That's Matt Damon.

01:47:50.000 Cinderella.

01:47:51.000 Who's the one who married Jennifer Lopez? 0.99

01:47:53.000 Aflac.

01:47:54.000 Apocalypse Now.

01:47:56.000 Good Will Hunting.

01:47:57.000 Good Will Hunting.

01:47:58.000 Remember, you know, he was talking about his Harvard education and he was just joking about, yeah, you get that with a library card.

01:48:03.000 Yeah.

01:48:03.000 You know?

01:48:04.000 Yeah.

01:48:04.000 Get that education with a library card.

01:48:05.000 Who was the comic in Boston who talked about, like, going to Harvard versus another school and it's how much better it is?

01:48:10.000 It's like, what do they have professors at other schools that go, sorry, I can't teach you that.

01:48:15.000 You gotta go to Harvard to learn that.

01:48:19.000 I mean, I'm sure it's just more competitive, right?

01:48:21.000 Well, I think it's about networking.

01:48:25.000 You're going to go to school with kids whose dads went to Harvard and they could afford to pay this and who had the juice to get you in.

01:48:30.000 And those are going to be your cohorts as you grow older.

01:48:33.000 You want to call in a favor? 0.99

01:48:34.000 You want to call a friend from fucking University of Phoenix or from Harvard? 0.98

01:48:39.000 Who's going to help you out more? 0.95

01:48:40.000 Yeah, and they're most likely all going to be successful as well as they get older.

01:48:44.000 And what's really interesting is those guys that get into, like, secret societies when they're in college.

01:48:48.000 Oh, yeah.

01:48:49.000 Skull and crossbones.

01:48:50.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:48:50.000 That's real!

01:48:51.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:48:52.000 That's fucking real. 0.99

01:48:53.000 Those Ivy League schools, like, really high-end schools that the Illuminati all send their kids to, they really do join secret societies. 0.99

01:49:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:49:02.000 Like, the skull and bones, they, like, really do, like, weird gay shit to each other. 1.00

01:49:06.000 Oh, yeah, cloaks. 1.00

01:49:07.000 And robes and fucking hitting each other. 1.00

01:49:10.000 They do a lot of weird shit. 1.00

01:49:11.000 And then there's stuff that's more out on the surface. 0.99

01:49:12.000 They're called dinner clubs at Harvard.

01:49:13.000 And you try to get into a dinner club.

01:49:16.000 And it's a more transparent version of Skull and Bones.

01:49:20.000 But it's the same thing.

01:49:21.000 These are my boys.

01:49:22.000 We're going to watch each other's backs in college, beyond college. 0.99

01:49:26.000 And the criteria for getting in are fucking creepy. 0.99

01:49:29.000 This one happens to be all Jewish. 0.99

01:49:31.000 This one is all German-Jewish.

01:49:32.000 This one is all...

01:49:35.000 People whose grandparents came over on the Mayflower. 1.00

01:49:38.000 It's all like these specific fucking cliques. 0.99

01:49:41.000 And it's the same thing I was thinking like... 0.99

01:49:42.000 And it's an origin-based clique?

01:49:43.000 Not always.

01:49:44.000 I think there's different ways they distinguish themselves.

01:49:46.000 And I'm sure some of them are based on like, you know, this is somebody who worked, who's done a lot of community service work, so let's have a dinner club.

01:49:53.000 But a lot of them are based on, you know, your blue blood, you know, what your DNA is, and who your parents were.

01:49:59.000 And that's the thing.

01:50:00.000 Also, but then on the other hand, like I remember Boston University, there was like the French house.

01:50:05.000 There was the gay house. 1.00

01:50:07.000 There was the, you know, black house. 0.98

01:50:09.000 It's like, I thought the idea was that we were all going to get together and mix it up and get to know each other. 0.98

01:50:14.000 Why are we fucking secluding? 0.98

01:50:16.000 This is segregation. 0.99

01:50:17.000 Yeah.

01:50:17.000 Yeah, it certainly is.

01:50:19.000 I'm against college.

01:50:20.000 I really am.

01:50:20.000 I really feel like my kids, I've got a college savings account.

01:50:23.000 They got about two years paid for each at this point.

01:50:26.000 And I don't think I'm putting any more into it.

01:50:28.000 And when they turn 17, I'm going to go, you got two choices. 0.99

01:50:31.000 You can fucking waste your brain for a few years of college. 1.00

01:50:34.000 Or join the circus. 1.00

01:50:34.000 Or take this money, join the circus, go to Europe and backpack. 1.00

01:50:38.000 I don't give a fuck, but you're gonna work. 0.98

01:50:41.000 You're gonna explore, challenge. 0.99

01:50:43.000 Louis C.K.'s mom saved up all this money to send him to college, and then when he had a chance, he went to NYU film school, got in, looked around, and said, Mom, I got an idea for a short film.

01:50:54.000 Can I take this money and make the film?

01:50:55.000 I think I can learn more than I can at the school.

01:50:58.000 And she thought about it.

01:50:59.000 And she gave him the money.

01:51:00.000 He made a short film.

01:51:02.000 Got into Sundance.

01:51:03.000 He ended up as the head writer of the Conan O'Brien Show.

01:51:06.000 And then Chris... 0.93

01:51:06.000 I mean, it was like, you know, there's other ways to make it in the world if you really know what you want besides going to college and being fucking coddled for four years. 0.93

01:51:15.000 Yeah, well, I always felt like just learning, like sticking to their lessons.

01:51:20.000 Like, if you...

01:51:21.000 You have to have some sort of a base of education.

01:51:24.000 You have to be able to express yourself in the world.

01:51:27.000 You have to be able to understand things. 0.93

01:51:29.000 But once you get to a certain point, when you're 17 or 18 years old, if you have an idea of something you want to do, you know, if you want to be a gymnast, you want to be a professional gymnast or a fucking bike racer...

01:51:40.000 It's not going to help you to learn Roman history. 0.64

01:51:41.000 It's really not.

01:51:42.000 You know what it's in fact going to do?

01:51:44.000 It's going to take up a lot of time. 0.99

01:51:45.000 It's going to take away some of your focus from doing your other shit. 0.98

01:51:48.000 Yeah, prime time of your youth. 0.99

01:51:50.000 Oh, you're going to be in a band, but in the meantime, you're going to learn calculus.

01:51:54.000 No, you're not.

01:51:55.000 You know what you're going to do? 0.99

01:51:56.000 You're going to have a shitty guitar skill. 0.99

01:51:58.000 You're not going to be as good. 1.00

01:51:59.000 You're just not.

01:52:00.000 You're not going to get in.

01:52:01.000 You're going to be on the outside because you half-assed it.

01:52:05.000 Yeah.

01:52:05.000 No, I think you've got to go out.

01:52:07.000 Like, I took a year off after high school.

01:52:08.000 I never thought I'd go to college, and I traveled around.

01:52:10.000 I saved three grand.

01:52:11.000 I went to Europe for six months with a backpack, and I came back going like, wow, I want to go to college. 0.96

01:52:16.000 There's a lot of shit I want to learn, and I'm not ready to be out there. 0.94

01:52:19.000 Like, I knew I wanted to be a writer, and I wanted to go. 0.99

01:52:21.000 I wanted to study great works.

01:52:23.000 I wanted to learn how to write, and I did, and it was a great experience for me.

01:52:28.000 I wouldn't have known it if I'd gone straight in from high school, and I also think that, like, BOCES should be offered earlier in high school.

01:52:35.000 When you're a sophomore, you may know that you want to be...

01:52:37.000 Oh, in New York, they call it BOCES. It's like a vocational school.

01:52:41.000 Like if you know you don't want to learn calculus and you're a sophomore, you can start going to cooking classes or small engine repair.

01:52:48.000 And by the time you graduate high school, you're qualified to be a chef or a lead mechanic and eventually own a shop.

01:52:55.000 Yeah, but a lot of people don't want their kids to be boxed in like that because then if the kid grows up and then eventually wants to actually go to college, well, now he doesn't even have the base for it.

01:53:03.000 And he can't even compete.

01:53:04.000 No, you still get your core classes done.

01:53:07.000 Okay.

01:53:07.000 But instead of learning, say, a second language, which you have to do in high school, you sub out those for these voc...

01:53:13.000 You go away like three days a week for half a day to a vocational place.

01:53:17.000 Okay, now I remember the name BOCES. Now that you're saying that, now I remember it.

01:53:20.000 It sounds like a slander, but it's actually the name of the program.

01:53:22.000 Yeah, I forgot about that.

01:53:24.000 Wow.

01:53:25.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:53:26.000 Well, who the fuck knows what they... 0.99

01:53:27.000 I mean, I didn't figure out what I wanted until I was 21, what I wanted to do. 0.99

01:53:31.000 I really didn't know until I started doing stand-up.

01:53:33.000 Did you go to college?

01:53:34.000 Yeah, I went to UMass Boston.

01:53:36.000 Oh, you did?

01:53:37.000 Yeah.

01:53:37.000 You finished?

01:53:38.000 No, I only went for three years.

01:53:39.000 And I only went because I didn't want people thinking I was a loser.

01:53:42.000 That's the only reason why I went.

01:53:43.000 I barely paid attention.

01:53:46.000 Yeah.

01:53:46.000 It's a lot of money to not pay attention to.

01:53:49.000 And it was weird. 0.99

01:53:50.000 I would be taking classes and one of them was a weird sociology class with this fucking guy. 0.98

01:53:59.000 I'll never forget this guy because he was from Haiti. 0.99

01:54:02.000 And...

01:54:03.000 No matter what we talked about.

01:54:04.000 No matter what we talked about.

01:54:05.000 When you talked about the philosophical works of Leonardo da Vinci, whether it was, you know, anything it was. 0.99

01:54:13.000 Back in Haiti, what we would do is we would say this, and he would always, no matter what the fuck we talked to him, so that became, like, all I could concentrate on was how many different things this motherfucker could connect to Haiti. 0.98

01:54:25.000 Because he always wanted to hear himself talk, because I think he was learning English. 0.99

01:54:28.000 Yeah.

01:54:28.000 You know, so he wanted to hear it.

01:54:30.000 Well, back in Haiti...

01:54:32.000 That's all he would say.

01:54:34.000 And you just want to go, dude, you're not in Haiti for a reason. 0.81

01:54:37.000 Why are you trying to draw from that well?

01:54:39.000 This is the new well.

01:54:40.000 He would wear a tie, a suit and tie in college.

01:54:43.000 It's crazy.

01:54:44.000 It's fascinating.

01:54:45.000 He wanted to argue about everything.

01:54:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:47.000 Well, the fucking Haitians, man, they like to argue. 1.00

01:54:49.000 That's why I talk to my cab drivers. 1.00

01:54:51.000 They're either Haitian.

01:54:52.000 I talked to this guy.

01:54:52.000 He was an Iranian cab driver the other day.

01:54:55.000 And he's taking me back from the airport.

01:54:57.000 And we start talking about this and that.

01:54:58.000 I was talking to him about...

01:55:00.000 You know, whether or not he thinks that we're gonna bomb Iran.

01:55:03.000 I go right into it with them, like, do you think we're gonna bomb Iran? 0.95

01:55:05.000 And we get into religion, and he goes, you know, I don't know, I couldn't be there because they wanted you to, he was a Muslim, that they wanted you to believe this, and they couldn't accept it. 0.99

01:55:15.000 I could just believe that it was exactly the conversation we had earlier about atheism.

01:55:19.000 He goes, I know there's a God.

01:55:21.000 I know there's a power.

01:55:22.000 I don't think that man has the capacity to assign meaning to it or to understand it.

01:55:27.000 And I was sitting back going, Here's an immigrant from Iran who drives a cab. 1.00

01:55:32.000 I grew up upper middle class in New York, college educated, I'm a comedian, and I feel exactly the same way spiritually as this guy does. 0.96

01:55:40.000 And that's fucking amazing to me.

01:55:43.000 It doesn't matter what culture you're from, it transcends that. 0.97

01:55:47.000 I think if somebody, like you were saying, if you really examine yourself and you're truthful about what your reality is, it comes out.

01:55:56.000 There is one human experience, I think. 0.97

01:55:59.000 College, to me, is supposed to be a place where they pull that shit out, where they say, look, here's four years. 0.98

01:56:05.000 We're going to give you a place to live, a place to eat. 1.00

01:56:07.000 Now just fucking go to town on your brain. 0.99

01:56:10.000 Someone needs to develop a much more unconventional method of teaching people where they truly can go towards things only that they're interested in. 1.00

01:56:18.000 You've got all your mathematics and everything already. 0.95

01:56:20.000 Instead of learning about history, what the fuck do you want to learn about? 0.99

01:56:25.000 Let me tell you something. 0.98

01:56:27.000 This is what we'll qualify you for.

01:56:28.000 Get really good at that.

01:56:29.000 What are you interested in?

01:56:31.000 You're interested in this.

01:56:32.000 Let's take you down that road.

01:56:33.000 But so many people don't even get that opportunity. 0.99

01:56:36.000 You're forced to fit into a hole, whether it's a round hole or a square hole, whatever it is, you're forced to conform to become whatever the fuck that hole is.

01:56:44.000 And then when you have people that were, like that girl Jennifer that I was dating, had restaurant hotel management. 0.90

01:56:50.000 That was her major.

01:56:50.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:56:51.000 And that poor fucking girl, she went from right out of college to working 16 hours a day, every fucking day. 1.00

01:56:57.000 She was always exhausted. 1.00

01:56:59.000 She was always broken down.

01:57:00.000 And that's what she had to look forward to. 0.97

01:57:02.000 All the people in the restaurant, hotel, bar, management world, those fucking people would work for a salary, always salary, no one got paid overtime, and your work was never done. 0.99

01:57:11.000 And you spent four years not doing that, so you're behind the people that started doing the same shit. 0.97

01:57:17.000 What it's also about is technology and digital media. 0.96

01:57:22.000 Information and the progress of every industry changes so fast.

01:57:26.000 If you're going to college, you're learning your industry from a guy who learned it before you started college.

01:57:33.000 You're learning yesterday's industry.

01:57:35.000 And then you're going to try to go into computers or you're going to try to go into, you know, even acting.

01:57:40.000 There's different styles of acting.

01:57:42.000 You go and you've got these old acting teachers that learn from Stanislavski and they're teaching you, you know, repeat and answer and repeat. 1.00

01:57:48.000 I fucking suck at auditioning. 1.00

01:57:49.000 I spent two years at the Neighborhood Playhouse in New York and I fucking suck at auditioning. 1.00

01:57:55.000 I'm a good actor, but I don't get the chance because I fucking suck my own dick when I go into a casting room. 1.00

01:58:00.000 Nobody taught me how to do that. 1.00

01:58:02.000 Because they wanted to teach you Russian theater.

01:58:05.000 And it's the same with every industry. 0.99

01:58:07.000 You're learning the fucking dinosaur method of things. 0.97

01:58:09.000 Yeah, that used to be the way it was with martial arts until the Ultimate Fighting Championship sort of came around. 0.99

01:58:15.000 Everybody was learning this old style of doing things where it already evolved past that.

01:58:20.000 It should have been in a completely different stratosphere, but everybody was holding on to the traditional methods and no one was exchanging information.

01:58:28.000 Yeah.

01:58:28.000 Who is the first person, who would you say is the first pioneer in that kind of crossover mixed martial arts?

01:58:35.000 Well, the most significant guy is Hoist Gracie, because he was the guy that won the first Ultimate Fighting Championship, and he won it in a way that proved that a smaller man with more skill could defeat a bigger man. 0.72

01:58:44.000 Because that was always the goal of martial arts, was like the Bruce Lee thing, where this little guy could fuck up everybody.

01:58:51.000 But the reality is, in striking, that really doesn't work. 0.63

01:58:53.000 Because little people can't hit as hard.

01:58:55.000 They just can't.

01:58:56.000 I mean, a little guy who can kick you in the face, yeah, it can hurt you.

01:59:00.000 But the reality is, most fights end up on the ground. 0.99

01:59:03.000 And the little guy might throw a kick and slip because the fucking beer bottle fell on the floor and there's water everywhere. 0.99

01:59:09.000 And you don't have the footing to throw fucking wild head kicks in the middle of a bar. 0.98

01:59:13.000 But when push comes to shove and you tangle and you go to the ground, then you have to understand how to grapple. 0.97

01:59:17.000 And what the jujitsu that Hoyce Gracie had when he fought in the UFC was Brazilian jujitsu. 0.78

01:59:24.000 And no one here knew what the fuck that was. 0.81

01:59:26.000 Dudes had no idea what that guy was doing. 0.91

01:59:27.000 But UFC at that point, that was chain link fences and it was in another country, right?

01:59:33.000 Well, no.

01:59:33.000 Denver, Colorado was the first one.

01:59:35.000 It was put together by Horian Gracie, who is Hoyce's older brother, who's a lawyer.

01:59:40.000 He's a very smart guy.

01:59:41.000 What year is this about?

01:59:42.000 1993. And it changed everything.

01:59:45.000 Because my whole life I had been a striker.

01:59:47.000 I had done kickboxing and taekwondo.

01:59:48.000 It was all striking.

01:59:50.000 And this was the first time that I had seen what could happen with submissions.

01:59:53.000 Yeah.

01:59:54.000 I'd wrestled in high school, but I never really pursued it much after the one year in high school.

01:59:58.000 I'd never learned any choke holds or anything like that. 0.99

02:00:00.000 And seeing this guy just dismantle people on the ground, you'd be like, holy shit. 0.99

02:00:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:00:05.000 Like, what would I do? 0.99

02:00:06.000 Like, all these other guys, these big, strong guys are getting strangled.

02:00:09.000 What would I do?

02:00:09.000 He'd strangle me too, you know?

02:00:10.000 It was an inescapable conclusion.

02:00:12.000 I saw it. 1.00

02:00:13.000 I was like, the inescapable conclusion is, if you didn't know what this guy knew and you let him get a hold of you, you're fucked. 0.99

02:00:19.000 So he changed it the most. 0.96

02:00:21.000 So he changed it the most, but in terms of what we're talking about, which is that when you try to do things differently, people will try to stop you.

02:00:30.000 Yeah.

02:00:31.000 Pragmatism.

02:00:32.000 It's still trying to fight off the stigma that it's this vicious back alley, too brutal, but wasn't this year kind of a big test for UFC going to that next level and going on network?

02:00:45.000 Yeah, because it came on Fox.

02:00:47.000 It is completely up the profile.

02:00:49.000 Is it a success?

02:00:50.000 Did it succeed?

02:00:51.000 Yes, and Fox is really enthusiastic about it.

02:00:54.000 They have a big long-term deal, and they've seen the UFC develop over the years.

02:00:58.000 It took a long time before they got interested in it, but they got interested in it.

02:01:02.000 At the perfect time because the product is so developed, the brand is so developed, the fighters are so high-level now.

02:01:08.000 I mean, the referees are great.

02:01:10.000 Safety is at the all-time high as far as scanning and checking.

02:01:13.000 Broadcasting is state-of-the-art. 0.99

02:01:14.000 It's easy as fuck. 0.98

02:01:16.000 That's the easiest thing. 1.00

02:01:16.000 Well, it's easy because you love it and you know it. 1.00

02:01:18.000 Yeah, it's very easy.

02:01:19.000 Yeah.

02:01:20.000 It's a fun, exciting thing to do, but for me, it's as natural as it can be.

02:01:25.000 Some guys don't seem like...

02:01:26.000 I watch Jim Rome.

02:01:27.000 I know a lot of people love him.

02:01:28.000 I feel like he's working.

02:01:29.000 Yeah.

02:01:30.000 I don't feel like the guy's enjoying what he's doing.

02:01:31.000 Like it's that, like it's him.

02:01:32.000 Yeah.

02:01:32.000 Right, yeah, I know what you mean.

02:01:34.000 Yeah, a lot of people, they don't, in that world of sport, that's a bullshit world. 1.00

02:01:38.000 The sports world is full of shit. 1.00

02:01:39.000 There's too many guys in fucking Italian suits talking about something that doesn't need to be talking. 1.00

02:01:42.000 Too many guys with basically the same type of talking. 0.99

02:01:46.000 What we're dealing with here...

02:01:49.000 And Joe, what do you think?

02:01:51.000 Next week, Minnesota against another team.

02:01:55.000 Which one do you think will win?

02:01:57.000 And why?

02:01:58.000 And how many points and why?

02:02:01.000 And Utah, oh my god. 1.00

02:02:03.000 A fucking dress. 1.00

02:02:04.000 And it's always these ex-jocks that are wearing suits and they look surprised they're in a suit. 1.00

02:02:08.000 Yeah.

02:02:08.000 Like, oh my god, I'm in a suit.

02:02:10.000 I'm in a suit again.

02:02:11.000 Look at me.

02:02:12.000 I'm in a yellow suit.

02:02:13.000 Yeah.

02:02:13.000 Let's go to the Latino mulatto chick on the field who knows nothing about sports.

02:02:18.000 But she's hot as fuck. 1.00

02:02:19.000 Always. 1.00

02:02:20.000 They have that on Showtime when they do Strikeforce.

02:02:22.000 They have hot girls that interview the fighters. 0.98

02:02:23.000 And they put together, you know, they do a good job.

02:02:26.000 They put together some questions and they feed them to her.

02:02:28.000 And then she, you know, she knows a little bit about the sports.

02:02:30.000 She can banter a little bit if she has to.

02:02:32.000 But the most important thing is she's hot. 1.00

02:02:34.000 Yeah.

02:02:34.000 Yeah, look how you did that.

02:02:36.000 Yeah.

02:02:37.000 Give a son to look at.

02:02:38.000 Mix it up a little. 0.60

02:02:40.000 Yeah, a sweaty guy with a hot chick.

02:02:42.000 I got lucky with the UFC in that I got in before it was ever big.

02:02:45.000 I got in real early.

02:02:47.000 That's the second big wave you've caught in your life. 0.99

02:02:49.000 I'm lucky as fuck. 0.99

02:02:50.000 I've always been lucky. 0.99

02:02:50.000 But not lucky. 0.99

02:02:51.000 I was trying to say this to you before when we were playing pool.

02:02:54.000 When young comics ask for advice, I just want to say to them, live a life.

02:02:58.000 Do something. 0.98

02:02:59.000 Don't just fucking write notes and go on stage and then talk about your cubicle job. 0.99

02:03:05.000 Go travel. 1.00

02:03:07.000 Go...

02:03:08.000 Follow your path.

02:03:09.000 Like, you've always stayed with martial arts, and then all of a sudden, this thing comes up, and it wasn't lucky.

02:03:13.000 It was the fact that you had honored your passion, not just in being a stand-up, but in life.

02:03:20.000 And that's what I say to young comics.

02:03:22.000 Like, go, you know, like me.

02:03:23.000 I got married, and I had kids.

02:03:25.000 It's something I really wanted, I love, I'm into.

02:03:27.000 I talk about it on stage.

02:03:28.000 And you see people go, oh, I'm not going to be one of those guys who talk about my kids on stage.

02:03:32.000 It's like, it doesn't matter what I talk about.

02:03:34.000 I'm saying it.

02:03:35.000 Anybody can make a topic interesting if it's truthful and real.

02:03:38.000 That's a weird thing that people do when they believe that somehow or another, if you talk about children, all of a sudden, you've fallen into this sellout, really pacified, sort of wishy-washy sort of stand-up.

02:03:51.000 Yeah.

02:03:52.000 You abandon the possibility that anything could actually be really funny about having kids. 0.95

02:03:56.000 When in fact, there's funny shit that happens all the time. 0.97

02:03:58.000 Yep. 0.99

02:03:58.000 Well, not just funny, but it's... 0.99

02:04:00.000 Perspective.

02:04:01.000 It's existential, you know?

02:04:02.000 I mean, you're talking about life here.

02:04:03.000 It doesn't get any deeper than looking at your son.

02:04:06.000 Like, I'm going through this thing now where my kid is like, I tell you, he's testing for his black belt in Taekwondo in the spring.

02:04:11.000 That's awesome. 0.99

02:04:12.000 After fucking seven years. 0.99

02:04:13.000 He's 11 years old. 0.99

02:04:15.000 He's captain of the soccer team.

02:04:16.000 Straight A student.

02:04:18.000 He is fluent in Spanish.

02:04:20.000 Goes to a Spanish immersion school.

02:04:21.000 He's the tallest kid in his class. 0.99

02:04:23.000 He's fucking beautiful looking. 0.99

02:04:25.000 And I go, I need a DNA test. 1.00

02:04:27.000 No, I don't fucking... 0.99

02:04:28.000 You don't believe it? 0.99

02:04:29.000 I'm the opposite of that. 1.00

02:04:30.000 Short, scrawny, horrible athlete, horrible fucking student. 1.00

02:04:34.000 Maybe it's the hormones and the beef. 1.00

02:04:36.000 It could be.

02:04:37.000 It could be.

02:04:38.000 Kids are getting way bigger.

02:04:40.000 100% they're bigger.

02:04:41.000 But not just that confident and calm.

02:04:44.000 So I'm going through this thing that I'm kind of...

02:04:45.000 You're a good dad.

02:04:46.000 You raised him well.

02:04:47.000 I mean, that's a good sign.

02:04:48.000 It is a good sign. 0.56

02:04:49.000 I'm proud of that.

02:04:50.000 But it's a great premise.

02:04:52.000 I know my kid's going to be stronger and smarter than me soon. 0.99

02:04:55.000 And it's fucking scary. 0.98

02:04:57.000 And I'm trying to think, how do I hide it from? 0.98

02:04:58.000 Well, you don't have to.

02:04:59.000 You just be a great dad.

02:05:00.000 You don't have to.

02:05:01.000 Start using a belt.

02:05:03.000 It's too late.

02:05:04.000 It'll hit me back.

02:05:05.000 Getting older, there was always these old martial arts guys that were around that were treated with great reverence. 1.00

02:05:11.000 You could easily kick their ass. 1.00

02:05:13.000 They were old. 1.00

02:05:13.000 They're old and broken down, but you never thought of that because you had always developed great reverence for them. 1.00

02:05:19.000 As long as you develop respect in your kid, your kid's never going to challenge you. 1.00

02:05:22.000 You never have to deal with that shit. 0.99

02:05:24.000 I think it's a very base biological. 1.00

02:05:25.000 I think it's just like a real in the wild kind of thing.

02:05:28.000 Yeah, it is a little bit, but you know what?

02:05:30.000 You just got to calm that down by letting him know that you're on his team and letting him know that everything that you do to discipline him is only for his own development.

02:05:37.000 It seems weird, but you went through it just as much as he's going to go through it.

02:05:40.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:05:41.000 And it is hard because as the dad, and I don't know how deep you are into that part, is like, I feel like I have to be that, you know, it's a role.

02:05:49.000 I end up being the disciplinarian more than my wife does. 0.98

02:05:52.000 Of course.

02:05:53.000 Well, you know, there's a balance.

02:05:54.000 There's a yin and a yang, and there's a mom and a dad, and just the way it is. 0.99

02:05:58.000 And, you know, you should be, I mean, my point of view is you should be as loving as possible, but the shit stops with me. 0.98

02:06:04.000 And, you know, that's how it's always supposed to be. 0.99

02:06:07.000 That's how it is in a fucking guerrilla colony. 1.00

02:06:08.000 When everybody's going crazy and fucking swinging off trees and the gorilla goes, everybody settle the fuck down. 1.00

02:06:14.000 Alright? 0.99

02:06:15.000 The man's here.

02:06:16.000 We got this.

02:06:17.000 Let's calm down.

02:06:18.000 Yeah, you can learn a lot about parenting from the dog guy.

02:06:21.000 What's his name? 1.00

02:06:22.000 Yeah, kick your kids. 1.00

02:06:24.000 Everything he says. 1.00

02:06:24.000 Oh, does he say that? 1.00

02:06:26.000 Kick the dogs?

02:06:27.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

02:06:28.000 You didn't know that?

02:06:28.000 Yes.

02:06:29.000 No, I just knew that the whole pack mentality thing is...

02:06:31.000 He doesn't kick him, he just taps him on the side.

02:06:33.000 No, no, no, no.

02:06:33.000 He heals them in the gut.

02:06:35.000 And if he did it to me, I'd punch him in his fucking face. 1.00

02:06:37.000 No shit, really? 1.00

02:06:38.000 Yeah, it's a kick. 1.00

02:06:39.000 It's a kick, yeah.

02:06:40.000 Well, you know what, though?

02:06:41.000 The reality is that people don't want to hear.

02:06:43.000 You have to be physical with dogs.

02:06:45.000 You know, I never hit my dogs, but I used to raise pit bulls. 1.00

02:06:48.000 And the one thing you have to do is you have to dominate those motherfuckers. 1.00

02:06:51.000 I used to slam them on their back. 1.00

02:06:52.000 I used to mount them and bite them. 0.97

02:06:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:06:54.000 I'd bite their face and yell at them. 1.00

02:06:55.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:06:55.000 Because if they growl at you a little, man, you have to cease and desist that when they're a puppy. 0.98

02:06:59.000 You have to make sure that you make them know that you are dominant over them but you're loving to them.

02:07:04.000 Yeah.

02:07:05.000 You control them. 1.00

02:07:06.000 Like, listen, bitch, don't you ever fucking do that again, okay? 1.00

02:07:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:07:09.000 We good?

02:07:09.000 Give me a kiss.

02:07:10.000 Give me a kiss.

02:07:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:07:10.000 No, I have two little pussy dogs, but one of them is a biter, and I just grab her by the scruff of the neck, and I push her face down, and then I put my face in front of it, and I growl.

02:07:20.000 And granted, look, it doesn't matter how small a dog is, that motherfucker bites. 1.00

02:07:24.000 My friend had a fucking miniature pincher, and this motherfucker bit the shit out of me once. 1.00

02:07:30.000 We were watching TV, I was just sitting there, and the thing snuck up behind me and just jacked me in the back. 1.00

02:07:34.000 No!

02:07:35.000 Oh, yeah, out of nowhere.

02:07:36.000 It was a creepy dog.

02:07:37.000 Never heard of that in my life. 1.00

02:07:38.000 Come up with you on the couch and just fucking bite you. 1.00

02:07:40.000 That's Fucking crazy! 1.00

02:07:41.000 I mean, I didn't know. 1.00

02:07:42.000 Oh, it was a mean little dog.

02:07:43.000 I don't know what happened to the little dog in its development.

02:07:45.000 What'd you do? 1.00

02:07:45.000 You motherfucker! 1.00

02:07:46.000 Like, yelled at it and it ran away. 1.00

02:07:47.000 Yeah.

02:07:48.000 But I was like, dude, you gotta lock your dog up, man. 0.74

02:07:49.000 Your dog's a biter. 0.89

02:07:50.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:07:50.000 Like, punctured skin on my back. 0.97

02:07:52.000 Yeah.

02:07:52.000 Actually, it's funny you bring that up.

02:07:53.000 The reason my son's in taekwondo is he used to bite other kids when he was like three. 0.97

02:07:57.000 And we're like, what the fuck are we gonna do? 0.94

02:07:58.000 And someone just said, taekwondo. 0.95

02:08:00.000 It'll teach him every strength, discipline, peace.

02:08:03.000 And I'll tell you, man, in six months, he just stopped.

02:08:06.000 Yeah.

02:08:06.000 And he's like this well-disciplined kid.

02:08:08.000 But, um...

02:08:09.000 No, but it's all on me, this thing with my son.

02:08:12.000 I know that it's a psychological thing, but I'd be embarrassed to think that, and I say it out loud, and I talk about it on stage because, to me, that's what stand-up is.

02:08:22.000 What's the thing I'm most embarrassed about in my life right now at a deep level?

02:08:26.000 And it's like I have a very Oedipal feeling right now, which is a real thing that dads go through with sons.

02:08:32.000 I felt it with my dad.

02:08:34.000 But your kid's only 11. He felt threatened by me.

02:08:36.000 Yeah, but he's a big kid. 1.00

02:08:40.000 If the shit hit the fan, it might be a struggle. 1.00

02:08:44.000 Well, you can always start taking jujitsu now. 1.00

02:08:47.000 Keep him away and you start lifting.

02:08:50.000 Believe me, I see only good things for us and our future.

02:08:53.000 It's a weird emotion to feel. 0.99

02:08:56.000 My friend Rick has two kids that are 20 and 18 now, and he's like, they could both beat my ass. 0.98

02:09:02.000 How's his relationship with him? 0.99

02:09:04.000 Fine.

02:09:04.000 Yeah.

02:09:05.000 It's a good dad. 0.97

02:09:06.000 Kids used to go through a period in their late teens where they fucking hated you, and I don't think they do as much. 0.98

02:09:10.000 I think parents are better now, and I think there's obviously that pull-away part where they have to find themselves among their friends more than their family, but it's not that violent, I hate you as much. 0.98

02:09:20.000 I think there was a lot of because I said so when we were growing up. 0.99

02:09:24.000 Like, what the fuck? 1.00

02:09:25.000 Give me a goddamn ex! 1.00

02:09:26.000 And now I think because enough generations get through that where you say, I am not going to do that stupid shit when I have kids. 1.00

02:09:32.000 I'm going to respect my kids' intelligence. 1.00

02:09:34.000 I have long conversations with my daughter about why it's wrong to do this.

02:09:39.000 And this is what's wrong because when you do that, I know you feel like it's right, but you hurt other people's feelings.

02:09:44.000 And you should always avoid hurting other people's feelings if you can, right?

02:09:49.000 Right.

02:09:49.000 Right, and then we'll have a long, long...

02:09:52.000 Nobody ever did that with me. 0.98

02:09:54.000 It was because I fucking said so. 1.00

02:09:56.000 Go to your room. 1.00

02:09:57.000 That's what we got when we were kids. 1.00

02:10:00.000 Nobody was educated on how to psychologically, properly evaluate and how to raise children because their parents grew up in the fucking depression. 0.98

02:10:08.000 My grandfather used to tell stories about breaking rabbit's necks, how you break a rabbit's neck, put a pot to make rabbit stew. 0.99

02:10:15.000 I was like, Jesus, you hate rabbits? 0.99

02:10:17.000 What the fuck was wrong with the world back then? 0.99

02:10:19.000 But my grandfather living on a farm as a young boy in Italy. 0.99

02:10:24.000 That's what you had to do.

02:10:25.000 There was no getting around that.

02:10:27.000 Also, growing up in a Catholic country like that, there's an intense shame that's put upon you at a young age.

02:10:34.000 You're taught at an early age, you're born into original sin. 1.00

02:10:37.000 Adam and Eve fucked up, so you're bad and dirty. 1.00

02:10:40.000 Starting out. 1.00

02:10:42.000 And then you get to sex. 1.00

02:10:44.000 Well, Jesus came out of an immaculate conception, because any woman that actually fucks to make a human life is a whore. 1.00

02:10:51.000 She had to be pure. 0.99

02:10:52.000 Like, all these images that you may not even process, but they get into your hard drive when you're young, of like, shame on this, shame on this.

02:10:59.000 I was raised with it, and it's like...

02:11:02.000 Catholic guilt is the East Coast's main curse. 0.98

02:11:06.000 It's one of the things most fucked up about the East Coast is the wave of Catholic guilt that has just polluted all the consciousness of all the different people there. 0.99

02:11:14.000 And think about what our grandparents went through, man. 0.98

02:11:17.000 Our parents were raised by our grandparents.

02:11:20.000 Our grandparents lived in the dark ages, essentially. 0.99

02:11:23.000 They lived in an area with no fucking television. 0.98

02:11:25.000 There was no nothing when they were children. 1.00

02:11:27.000 There was no nothing.

02:11:29.000 There's the written word and, you know, occasionally you would see a photo of somebody.

02:11:34.000 Yeah.

02:11:35.000 You know?

02:11:35.000 Yeah.

02:11:35.000 I mean, Jesus Christ.

02:11:36.000 I mean, imagine what it was like growing up literally at the turn of the century, 1900. You know?

02:11:42.000 I mean, fuck! 1.00

02:11:43.000 You didn't travel. 1.00

02:11:44.000 You had no outside influences.

02:11:45.000 So whatever you were taught, whether it was by the church...

02:11:48.000 Or by your parents that were living in fear.

02:11:50.000 That was your whole reality.

02:11:52.000 You had nothing to balance that out.

02:11:53.000 So you bought it even more so than maybe I was affected by a Catholic upbringing.

02:11:57.000 Back then, there was no separation between what you were living and anything outside you in the world.

02:12:03.000 And my grandparents, I don't know what generation you are as far as immigration.

02:12:07.000 Mine all came over from Ireland, my grandparents.

02:12:09.000 Yeah, mine as well.

02:12:10.000 My grandfather came over from Ireland on my father's side, my grandmother on my father's side came over from Italy, and both my grandparents on my mother's side came over from Italy. 0.97

02:12:19.000 So everybody took a fucking crazy chance and jumped in a boat, went across the ocean, so they were nuts! 1.00

02:12:25.000 They were the nuttiest fuckers ever! 1.00

02:12:27.000 You didn't even know what was over there. 1.00

02:12:29.000 No one had an idea.

02:12:30.000 You had stories.

02:12:30.000 People told you stories.

02:12:32.000 You get to see a picture of what New York City looks like. 1.00

02:12:34.000 And they took a fucking chance like animals. 1.00

02:12:37.000 I always think about that. 0.99

02:12:38.000 The second you step off the boat, maybe you got a piece of paper with an address somewhere in the city.

02:12:42.000 You've never found your way in a foreign place in your life.

02:12:45.000 You grew up in one town that you never left.

02:12:47.000 Now you're surfing Manhattan trying to find 2nd Avenue.

02:12:50.000 Jesus Christ.

02:12:51.000 It's crazy!

02:12:52.000 And if you've never seen the gangs of New York, most people don't know what Manhattan used to be.

02:12:58.000 You just kind of assume somehow that it was always this city with the big buildings.

02:13:03.000 No!

02:13:03.000 It was craziness!

02:13:04.000 It was a nutty village!

02:13:06.000 It was feudalism!

02:13:08.000 Gangs of people.

02:13:09.000 Gangs of New York.

02:13:10.000 That was really what it was like back then.

02:13:12.000 And it's an amazing thing to watch.

02:13:14.000 It sort of puts the whole idea of settling this country into perspective because most people can't really wrap their heads around how quickly the United States has developed.

02:13:23.000 The idea that 1776 it was formed, that's nothing!

02:13:28.000 That is like nothing!

02:13:30.000 There was nothing here. 0.99

02:13:32.000 A few houses, a few fucking log houses here and there, and then all of a sudden, in a couple hundred years, whoosh! 0.99

02:13:38.000 Everything. 1.00

02:13:39.000 Manhattan, fucking Atlanta, Chicago, fucking roads all the way across this bitch, back and forth, covered in concrete. 1.00

02:13:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:13:47.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:13:48.000 Yeah.

02:13:48.000 Cars flying over it.

02:13:49.000 You're freaking me out right now.

02:13:51.000 The fact that that happens over... 1.00

02:13:54.000 I swear to God, I was looking in your eyes, I was like, holy shit! 0.99

02:13:57.000 200 years. 0.99

02:13:58.000 In 200 years, it went from that to 1776. Yep.

02:14:03.000 To 1976. 200 years.

02:14:05.000 And then you think about, and this is always my thing, people go, well, black people need to get over it. 1.00

02:14:09.000 Ah, they were slaves two fucking generations ago. 1.00

02:14:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:14:12.000 That's a short period of time to expect an entire culture of people to recover from a really fucked, you talk about Catholicism being fucked up two generations ago. 0.99

02:14:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:14:23.000 How about your grandmother was getting raped and your father and mother were split up, your aunts and uncles were split up. 0.99

02:14:30.000 I mean, that's a lot.

02:14:31.000 And granted, I'm not like, I think affirmative action was a failure.

02:14:36.000 I think that we're grappling with how to try to equalize society for all people.

02:14:40.000 I don't know the answer.

02:14:42.000 But I do know that we've got to look at it as our problem.

02:14:45.000 It's not their problem.

02:14:46.000 I think it has to do with poverty in general.

02:14:48.000 I think you have to address poverty from the standpoint of children being raised in poverty.

02:14:53.000 Children's.

02:14:54.000 Children's.

02:14:54.000 The children's being raised in a bad community.

02:14:58.000 I think children being raised in poverty and neglect is always the big issue.

02:15:02.000 Because if you don't do something about those kids now, you are just essentially, you give them no choice but to become criminals themselves.

02:15:09.000 Yeah.

02:15:09.000 If they're being raised in the environment, they imitate their atmosphere.

02:15:12.000 Everything around them is bad.

02:15:13.000 Everything around them is negative and neglected.

02:15:16.000 What is happening?

02:15:18.000 There's got to be a way to get to those kids.

02:15:21.000 To get to those kids and help them.

02:15:23.000 Something where it helps their parents or some sort of a community outreach.

02:15:27.000 But the idea that people at the top say, why should I give them anything? 0.99

02:15:30.000 Fucking single mom just wants to have more kids and like... 1.00

02:15:33.000 Well, isn't there a root cause of that? 1.00

02:15:35.000 That single mom was someone's baby at one point. 1.00

02:15:37.000 Obviously, someone fucked that baby up bad that it became a grown adult that just shits out kids for welfare money. 0.93

02:15:43.000 What we got to do is get to them when they're babies. 0.96

02:15:46.000 Get to them when they're babies and help them.

02:15:48.000 Help the mother. 1.00

02:15:49.000 For the sake of the humanity as a whole.

02:15:51.000 Exactly.

02:15:52.000 As a superorganism.

02:15:53.000 Selfishly.

02:15:55.000 Selfishly, yes.

02:15:55.000 Here's the thing about the conservatives is very often I find that there is a short-sightedness.

02:16:00.000 If they're the party of economic restraint and responsibility, I think that you're creating a bigger deficit and you're creating a more fragile economy when you have people that are uneducated that grew up, like you said, in an atmosphere where they were abused and they don't have the tools and their role models were shit. 0.97

02:16:18.000 If you allow that to happen, it's a drain, selfishly, on your economy. 0.95

02:16:23.000 Yes.

02:16:24.000 And on your safety.

02:16:26.000 Your economy and your safety.

02:16:28.000 Investing in the infrastructure of inner cities and building the bad neighborhoods and turning them into better neighborhoods and giving people chance and hope and giving them a possibility of Positively contributing to society.

02:16:38.000 So instead of being a burden, there's something that helps.

02:16:41.000 That's all anybody wants.

02:16:42.000 Yes, they want to contribute.

02:16:43.000 That's the root of happiness.

02:16:44.000 Again, going back to these studies, is the most that you can boil it down to, and there's this guy that wrote a book called Happiness.

02:16:50.000 He teaches a class at Harvard.

02:16:52.000 It's the most attended class in the history of Harvard University.

02:16:56.000 And he's a guy that's taken every type of thought, going back to fucking Confucius and Jesus and young and then modern psychiatry, And basically just studied it for a decade and come up with basically happiness is pursuing something that you care about and feeling vital.

02:17:14.000 That's it. 0.87

02:17:15.000 Not welfare. 1.00

02:17:16.000 Nobody wants a fucking welfare check to be a single mom. 1.00

02:17:19.000 People want to be involved. 0.99

02:17:21.000 They want to feel that they are making an imprint on the earth.

02:17:25.000 Yeah, so some sort of a community outreach.

02:17:28.000 And then, you know, you've got to have things that help people get off drugs, just for a fact.

02:17:33.000 There's going to be people that are fucked up and they're not going to be able to make positive decisions because they're on drugs.

02:17:37.000 And if that's your environment, if that's your community, if that's your neighborhood, it's within your best interest to clean these people up. 0.91

02:17:44.000 Yeah, and it's not the war on drugs.

02:17:45.000 Cutting off the need to do drugs is what is at the core of it.

02:17:51.000 It's treatment.

02:17:52.000 Not incarceration.

02:17:53.000 Not judging people.

02:17:55.000 The more things are illegal, the more people are going to do those illegal things.

02:17:58.000 It's always been the case. 0.99

02:17:59.000 And at least if you had legality, first of all, it should always be a social pariah and you should boycott any fucking company that would profit off the sale of those drugs. 0.99

02:18:10.000 Which drugs? 0.99

02:18:12.000 Any drugs that you sell that fuck people up. 0.93

02:18:13.000 The negative stigma should be the punishment enough. 0.93

02:18:16.000 You should be disassociated by society if you choose to sell on something that's going to cause people to fuck up their lives.

02:18:21.000 And we all know that there's drugs that do that. 1.00

02:18:24.000 Anybody who's selling math is a piece of shit. 1.00

02:18:26.000 It's 2012. We've got the info. 1.00

02:18:28.000 But there's always gonna be a new hillbilly coke can. 0.99

02:18:32.000 There's always gonna be a fuckin' ammonia mix with this that gets you high. 0.81

02:18:36.000 So to me it's about how do we cut out the abuse, how do we cut out the loneliness, the uselessness that creates a need for drug use or alcohol. 0.99

02:18:44.000 Alcohol is the fucking, that's the unsung hero of failure. 0.98

02:18:48.000 It's worse than drugs, and yet it's on in the Super Bowl, and it's legal. 1.00

02:18:53.000 To me, I don't want to go down that road because that's a whole other fucking podcast. 0.94

02:18:56.000 Well, that's also when you changed as a person when we were young. 0.94

02:18:58.000 You got much more serious about your career as well when you quit drinking.

02:19:02.000 Yeah.

02:19:02.000 You know, you were the first guy that I knew that you handled it great because you didn't waver at all.

02:19:09.000 You're like, look, I can't drink.

02:19:10.000 I drink. 1.00

02:19:11.000 I get fucked up. 1.00

02:19:12.000 I can't handle it. 1.00

02:19:13.000 Period. 0.95

02:19:14.000 I don't want to be a loser. 0.93

02:19:15.000 I'm done. 0.86

02:19:16.000 And you did that when you were like, what are you, 22?

02:19:19.000 No, I was probably 24 when I did it, and I had started drinking very young, but it was stand-up.

02:19:25.000 I mean, I couldn't drive to gigs if I lost my license, and stand-up was the first thing in my life I ever felt like I might be good at.

02:19:31.000 I was like, I'm not going to lose this.

02:19:33.000 This has been my dream since I was a kid to be a stand-up.

02:19:35.000 So you're not a stranger when it comes to the pulls of addiction and the idea that it could ruin your life.

02:19:42.000 And think, what if you didn't have stand-up? 0.99

02:19:44.000 What if you were in a pit of despair with a shit job and no future aspirations, more hopes? 0.99

02:19:51.000 You know, nothing on the landscape. 1.00

02:19:53.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

02:19:53.000 You need an option. 1.00

02:19:54.000 It's easy. 0.97

02:19:55.000 It's got to be a compelling option because getting high feels fucking great. 0.95

02:20:00.000 Nobody can deny that. 0.91

02:20:01.000 And if you don't feel great and you can feel great, that's what you're going to do.

02:20:04.000 And the only thing that feels better is, you know, feeling like people are expecting you to produce something and you do it and you feel good about it.

02:20:10.000 Well, especially as an artist, I mean, and I hate that word, you know, him, I'm an artist, but putting out something that you create, that people enjoy, they love it.

02:20:19.000 You know, people like podcasts, like this, like your podcast.

02:20:22.000 People love the fact that they can get some enjoyment out of this.

02:20:25.000 Like when I go to, the only podcast I really subscribe to, other than a few of my friends' stuff and death squad and stuff, is The Psychedelic Salon, one of my favorite podcasts.

02:20:36.000 This guy, I think his name is Lorenzo.

02:20:39.000 Lorenzo is the guy who runs it.

02:20:40.000 He puts all these really interesting lectures like Timothy Leary lectures and Robert Anton Wilson and Terence McKenna. 0.80

02:20:47.000 Every week there's some new really cool fucking interesting lecture by some really educated, trippy people.

02:20:54.000 It's really awesome. 0.87

02:20:56.000 When I look at my iPod, when I sync my iPod on, I'm like, ooh, Looky, looky, it's a treat.

02:21:01.000 You get excited.

02:21:02.000 It's like now I know when I'm in my car, it syncs up with my car, so I'm driving around and I'm listening to it.

02:21:08.000 I love that.

02:21:08.000 I love that that's a treat that you can get for free.

02:21:12.000 And it's a pretty good feeling to think that people feel like that when they see your podcast come down.

02:21:18.000 And for Brian and I, it's particularly satisfying because we didn't have any aspirations at all.

02:21:23.000 We started it off, you could see the first one still available on Ustream with a laptop.

02:21:28.000 It's terrible.

02:21:28.000 It's unwatchable, right?

02:21:29.000 Yeah, it's just because we weren't really paying attention to it as people listening.

02:21:34.000 We were more like, hey, they're just watching us.

02:21:37.000 We'll just hang out in the chat room or something like that. 1.00

02:21:40.000 Hey, dirty bitches. 1.00

02:21:41.000 What's up? 1.00

02:21:42.000 What's going on?

02:21:42.000 I read someone's tweets.

02:21:44.000 Yeah, dude.

02:21:44.000 Yeah, we're coming to New York.

02:21:45.000 I remember those.

02:21:46.000 I remember listening to an early one and going, there was just a 30-second pause.

02:21:50.000 I think somebody went to take a leak.

02:21:52.000 You guys didn't care. 0.99

02:21:53.000 I took a shit in the middle of the podcast. 1.00

02:21:55.000 I said, I got to take a shit. 0.99

02:21:56.000 So, Brian, you talk to them. 1.00

02:21:57.000 So Brian's like, so everybody, do you like cats? 0.95

02:22:01.000 I just remember hearing like shit moving around and no one talking and being like, oh, this is kind of cool. 0.98

02:22:08.000 This is like just a hangout. 0.89

02:22:09.000 Well, the real evolution of the podcast is available for everybody to see.

02:22:14.000 I always knew that I always wanted to do a radio show, but I always knew that I would never be able to do a radio show.

02:22:19.000 No one would ever hire me to do a radio show.

02:22:21.000 And I thought maybe when Satellite Radio came along, I became pals.

02:22:25.000 Right when Satellite Radio launched, I became pals with Opie and Anthony.

02:22:28.000 And they're always like, hey, we have a channel.

02:22:30.000 We'd always love to put you on the channel.

02:22:32.000 But nothing ever really happened out of it.

02:22:33.000 And there was some talks and nothing ever really took place.

02:22:35.000 But then once I started doing a podcast, I was like, oh, this is it.

02:22:39.000 Yeah.

02:22:40.000 Like, this is way easier.

02:22:41.000 And now, like, I've got all these people coming on, like, all these interesting people and all these, like, bands.

02:22:48.000 Like, we had Be Real from Cypress Hill yesterday. 0.99

02:22:50.000 No shit! 1.00

02:22:51.000 Yeah, dude. 1.00

02:22:52.000 We've had Everlast from the House of Pain.

02:22:54.000 He's done it before.

02:22:55.000 His band Honey Honey is on next week.

02:22:57.000 And then Sam Harris, the neuroscientist, who's the atheist author and lecturer.

02:23:03.000 Oh, yeah?

02:23:03.000 He's coming on.

02:23:04.000 He's fucking brilliant, man. 0.97

02:23:05.000 He's awesome. 0.98

02:23:06.000 I'm so excited about him coming on.

02:23:07.000 But it's like we've been able to turn it from, you know, what it was supposed to be, you know, was just us fucking around, to what I really should have probably been doing in the first place. 0.96

02:23:17.000 Snowflakes to cupcakes. 0.96

02:23:18.000 Yeah.

02:23:18.000 I'm sorry.

02:23:20.000 It's kind of like what we were talking about before with The Office or The Man Show.

02:23:25.000 The fact that you're stepping into a preconceived creative paradigm and trying to fill it up is a failure.

02:23:31.000 To start with a podcast that aspires to nothing and then organically it builds itself, then it knows what it is.

02:23:40.000 It's got a foundation based in Who you really are, as opposed to, like, you know, even as a comedian, you're starting out, you go through so many different masks.

02:23:48.000 You think, I'm gonna be, like, I was gonna be the clever guy, or, you know, I'm gonna be a political comic, or I'm gonna use props.

02:23:55.000 Yeah, go do it.

02:23:56.000 Go do it until it doesn't work, and keep shedding, and then eventually, you're gonna be the comic you're meant to be.

02:24:00.000 And I think with the podcast, it's the same thing.

02:24:02.000 You kind of just, you explore, and you start to feel what feels right, and hopefully not respond so much to, like, Well, people love this.

02:24:11.000 Right, right, right.

02:24:11.000 I try to avoid that.

02:24:12.000 Yeah, I think, you know, people love what you love.

02:24:15.000 And if what you pursue, if you pursue what you love, then people connect to that and they can appreciate that.

02:24:19.000 I can appreciate that, you know, even if something that I'm not really into.

02:24:22.000 What I love is someone else being into something.

02:24:24.000 I love seeing people's passion and honesty.

02:24:27.000 Yeah.

02:24:27.000 And what you get from a podcast you don't get from anything else is there's no restrictions on time.

02:24:31.000 We don't have to cut to a commercial.

02:24:34.000 The thoughts never have to be interrupted.

02:24:36.000 I mean, we didn't decide how long we go on.

02:24:38.000 We've been on for like, what, two hours and 40 minutes or something like that?

02:24:41.000 What?

02:24:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:24:42.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:24:43.000 We do that all the time. 1.00

02:24:43.000 Yeah, we do that all the time. 1.00

02:24:44.000 And they just go on.

02:24:46.000 Let's take a 15-second pause.

02:24:48.000 Okay.

02:24:48.000 You don't get an opportunity to have those kind of conversations, especially with someone that's in the public eye or someone that's a comic.

02:24:58.000 No one gets a chance to really get to know you like they do in this form, or like they do on your podcast, where you're constantly communicating with them. 0.99

02:25:05.000 When they've heard you communicate for 100 hours, they fucking know you. 0.93

02:25:08.000 You can only hide so much. 0.80

02:25:10.000 And you know what's amazing is every podcast, no matter how long, I end up hanging out with the guests for another 45 minutes afterwards.

02:25:16.000 And you're like, they don't want to leave.

02:25:18.000 People don't want to leave.

02:25:19.000 But you could have just kept going.

02:25:20.000 Yeah, and well, I do to a point, I always feel like, a lot of times because I do the serious show first, they've already given me an hour, and then I usually shoot a video with them.

02:25:29.000 I do this thing called Talk Your Way Out of It where I give people, and I'll do it to you right now.

02:25:33.000 Okay.

02:25:33.000 I'm going to give you an uncomfortable situation.

02:25:35.000 Okay.

02:25:35.000 And in a split second, you're gonna have to talk your way out of it as if you're talking to the person.

02:25:43.000 You go to the doctor's office, and he's going to check you out.

02:25:49.000 So he bends you over the table.

02:25:51.000 Okay.

02:25:52.000 I forgot the rubber gloves.

02:25:54.000 He walks out.

02:25:55.000 You notice that the medicine cabinet's open.

02:25:57.000 You reach in.

02:25:58.000 You find a bottle of Vicodin.

02:25:59.000 You see it.

02:26:00.000 As he's coming in, he's going to bust you.

02:26:02.000 You take it. 1.00

02:26:02.000 You stick it up your ass to hide it. 1.00

02:26:04.000 The doctor spreads your cheeks. 1.00

02:26:06.000 He wants to look at your...

02:26:08.000 He wants to look at your colon.

02:26:10.000 He puts his finger in.

02:26:11.000 He pulls out the bottle of Vicodin.

02:26:14.000 Talk your way out of it.

02:26:15.000 Oh, that's where that was.

02:26:20.000 That's the only thing you can say.

02:26:21.000 Five words.

02:26:22.000 Five words.

02:26:23.000 You're in the clear.

02:26:25.000 Oh, that's where it is.

02:26:28.000 Like you're thanking him.

02:26:29.000 Oh, thanks.

02:26:30.000 I was thinking maybe, but no.

02:26:34.000 Usually it takes like two minutes.

02:26:35.000 People talk around it.

02:26:37.000 They describe different five words.

02:26:40.000 Just go right for it.

02:26:41.000 Come on, man.

02:26:42.000 You're already busted. 1.00

02:26:43.000 Guy found a Vicodin bottle up your ass. 1.00

02:26:45.000 You're a freak. 1.00

02:26:46.000 I did that. 1.00

02:26:46.000 Just give it up. 1.00

02:26:47.000 I did that to that particular one I thought of because my last show was with Natasha and I did that to her but it was in her pussy and she had her feet in the stirrups and she goes oh I was just tightening that for you. 1.00

02:26:58.000 That's hilarious. - Yes. 1.00

02:27:05.000 Yeah, so... 1.00

02:27:06.000 Fuck, this is great. 1.00

02:27:10.000 This is great. 1.00

02:27:10.000 I just forgot we were talking about it. 1.00

02:27:12.000 It doesn't matter.

02:27:12.000 Oh, yeah.

02:27:13.000 Natasha's pussy? 1.00

02:27:14.000 You're talking about Natasha's pussy threw you off. 1.00

02:27:16.000 That's what it is. 1.00

02:27:16.000 That's monogamy fucking with you, son. 1.00

02:27:18.000 Jesus. 1.00

02:27:19.000 That's what it is.

02:27:19.000 That image.

02:27:20.000 The image of her in her underwear. 1.00

02:27:21.000 What's your image right now when you jerk off? 0.99

02:27:23.000 What's your scenario that works?

02:27:26.000 It's variable.

02:27:27.000 Changes.

02:27:28.000 Yeah, it's variable.

02:27:29.000 I go through streaks, one particular thing or another.

02:27:31.000 I tried to stay away from porn when I first had kids.

02:27:34.000 Yeah.

02:27:34.000 Just because of the idea of the daughter that would eventually become someone's baby.

02:27:38.000 But you know what?

02:27:39.000 I can't fix it.

02:27:40.000 It is what it is. 1.00

02:27:40.000 She's sucking dick and I need it. 1.00

02:27:42.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:27:43.000 Who do you watch?

02:27:44.000 What's your scene?

02:27:45.000 I don't have a...

02:27:45.000 You don't go to like categories and pick like...

02:27:48.000 Just what's crazy.

02:27:49.000 Yeah.

02:27:49.000 What looks hot.

02:27:51.000 Whatever's nuts.

02:27:52.000 Yeah, I used to have types, but I don't even have types anymore.

02:27:56.000 You never know.

02:27:56.000 Just click around.

02:27:57.000 I feel bad for Asian women now. 1.00

02:27:59.000 I can't watch Asian porn anymore. 0.99

02:28:01.000 You gave up? 0.99

02:28:01.000 I watched too much of it, and then I started to feel like when I saw Asian women in the real world, I started to feel weird. 0.99

02:28:12.000 Like I wanted to apologize.

02:28:14.000 For beating off in front of them?

02:28:15.000 For beating off so much?

02:28:16.000 Were you on a steady diet of Asians for a while?

02:28:17.000 A lot of Asians.

02:28:19.000 Because I didn't get any when I was young and I got married before.

02:28:21.000 You know, I used to date a lot of black women and I dated a couple Latino women and I never dated an Asian woman and I find them just absolutely, they're so beautiful and their feet, they have such cute little feet.

02:28:32.000 You would have loved Japan.

02:28:34.000 In Japan, they're so friendly.

02:28:39.000 Everyone's so friendly.

02:28:40.000 Yeah, Brian and I were just talking about it the other day when we got back.

02:28:43.000 We were just there together for the UFC. Now, are you married, Brian?

02:28:46.000 Nah.

02:28:46.000 So you get to experience...

02:28:48.000 Well, he's got a girlfriend.

02:28:49.000 Well, I have a girlfriend, but yeah.

02:28:51.000 Ha! 0.89

02:28:54.000 Good tell.

02:28:56.000 The beauty of the culture is the politeness.

02:28:59.000 Yeah.

02:29:00.000 And the women are so polite as well. 0.97

02:29:01.000 Men are so polite.

02:29:02.000 Everyone's so polite in restaurants, in bars, everywhere you go.

02:29:05.000 Everyone, like, when people run into people on the street, like, everyone's just like, they're so polite.

02:29:11.000 It's a completely different culture than ours.

02:29:13.000 Really fascinating.

02:29:14.000 Like, it almost literally truly is like an alien world.

02:29:18.000 Like, you land in a world where everybody's just polite.

02:29:21.000 The language is totally different.

02:29:23.000 Yeah.

02:29:23.000 The people all like, you know, they look Japanese.

02:29:26.000 The universally look Japanese. 0.94

02:29:27.000 The Japanese do. 0.93

02:29:28.000 Yeah.

02:29:28.000 Interesting.

02:29:29.000 It's amazing.

02:29:29.000 So you're in this new place where everyone behaves super polite, very orderly.

02:29:34.000 Like when they had the tsunamis and they were giving out aid, people just waited in line.

02:29:38.000 Yeah.

02:29:38.000 Patiently, politely, disciplined.

02:29:40.000 You know, I mean, the driver was really interesting.

02:29:43.000 We had a really cool driver and he spoke very good English too.

02:29:47.000 And one of the things he said was about...

02:29:50.000 The deal with radiation, you know, at Fukushima, that a lot of people are sick, and the government lies about it.

02:29:56.000 And he was like, well, the problem is that we trust the government.

02:30:01.000 They're not in the rising up and questioning the government.

02:30:05.000 People are into that they trust the government, the government has their best interest, and then they keep their eyes on their own business, and they do what they have to do. 0.98

02:30:12.000 So there's not a lot of, like, this motherfucking government. 1.00

02:30:15.000 We're time to take this motherfucker down! 1.00

02:30:17.000 Time to take this motherfucker down! 1.00

02:30:18.000 There's none of that there. 1.00

02:30:19.000 None of that there.

02:30:19.000 It's politeness and not subserviency, but knowing your place, discipline, respect.

02:30:26.000 Respect of the community and the family.

02:30:28.000 You don't try to do better than your boss.

02:30:30.000 You don't try to do better than your boss.

02:30:31.000 Callan was telling me that there's etiquette as far as businessmen.

02:30:36.000 Say if your boss orders a certain type of scotch, like a very expensive old scotch, you don't order that.

02:30:41.000 You order newer, cheaper scotch.

02:30:43.000 You don't order what he orders.

02:30:46.000 And a bow is based on that also?

02:30:48.000 Do you bow lower to somebody who's superior?

02:30:50.000 That's a good question.

02:30:50.000 Yeah.

02:30:51.000 The lower you are, the lower you are under that person.

02:30:55.000 So, like, that's why you can get in a bow fight with somebody if they think that they are lower than you.

02:31:00.000 And that's where it's, like, back and forth.

02:31:02.000 Wow, like rams. 1.00

02:31:03.000 Then all of a sudden you're sucking your own dick. 1.00

02:31:06.000 I told you! 1.00

02:31:07.000 I respect you!

02:31:08.000 You know what's up, guys? 1.00

02:31:09.000 You know you're losing the bowing contents when you're sucking your own pee-pee. 1.00

02:31:13.000 What's up? 1.00

02:31:17.000 You know you're underneath somebody when you're looking at the guy behind you.

02:31:20.000 You remember when one of the funniest things about doing the road was working with black comics? 1.00

02:31:25.000 Because if black comics were supposed to be the middle act, they always had heard from the booker that they were supposed to be the headliner.

02:31:32.000 Yeah.

02:31:33.000 But if there was two other black acts, I gotta go up first. 0.99

02:31:38.000 I'm leaving.

02:31:38.000 I gotta go to the gig.

02:31:39.000 Because they all wanted to do some of the same references.

02:31:42.000 With road hacks, black road hacks had so many stock jokes.

02:31:48.000 There was so much like, I ain't seen this many white people since my trial.

02:31:52.000 What am I, the only chocolate chip in the cookie tonight?

02:31:56.000 How many times have you heard that?

02:31:58.000 It was amazing.

02:31:59.000 Or the fat guy who takes the mic stand, moves it.

02:32:01.000 Let me get that out of the way so you can see me applause laughter.

02:32:05.000 Yes, yes.

02:32:05.000 That was the thing about Boston, was that Boston did not tolerate hacks.

02:32:09.000 We were so lucky that we came up in a time where that shit was ridiculed. 1.00

02:32:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:32:14.000 Because when we would go on the road and we would work with road hacks. 0.99

02:32:17.000 All rules are off. 1.00

02:32:18.000 You guys, fucking. 1.00

02:32:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:32:19.000 Look at what you're calling a fucking act. 1.00

02:32:22.000 Yep. 1.00

02:32:23.000 And then when you go to New York, when you're a Boston comic and you go down to New York, all of a sudden they're like, fuck man, you're good. 0.99

02:32:29.000 It's like, yeah, because we had to be different, you know, and you had to not be hacky. 0.98

02:32:33.000 But the further you travel from Boston, the more, like you said, use your bit.

02:32:38.000 Maybe do the guy comes in late.

02:32:39.000 What do you say when the guy comes in late, Joe?

02:32:43.000 I don't remember.

02:32:44.000 Can I get you anything? 0.99

02:32:45.000 Like a fucking clock? 1.00

02:32:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:32:47.000 Every time, and it's applause break. 1.00

02:32:49.000 You had those savers, and you wouldn't dare do that shit in Boston. 0.99

02:32:54.000 But if you were up in Maine, race to who can do that first. 1.00

02:32:57.000 Hey, I don't come to your job and slap the dicks out of your mouth. 0.99

02:33:00.000 That was just a gem in your pocket. 0.99

02:33:03.000 There was a lot of tools that we had, especially as young scrubs.

02:33:07.000 It's almost like what you had was a scaffolding that allowed you to put together your little comedy house.

02:33:12.000 Because you really didn't have the structure to do it on its own.

02:33:15.000 It wouldn't hold up. 1.00

02:33:16.000 So I'm saying, the guys in the back room going, I fucked your mother! 1.00

02:33:21.000 And I'm like, Dad, no one cares. 1.00

02:33:25.000 And the other comics in the back, crossing it off.

02:33:28.000 I can't do that one now.

02:33:32.000 Do you remember those Norm LeFoe gigs that we used to do?

02:33:35.000 Oh, the greatest, yeah.

02:33:36.000 Jay's and Pittsfield, and oh my god.

02:33:39.000 It was like, I had never been to Western Massachusetts, and you would just get on the Mass Pike, and you'd get off some exit, just a number with woods around it, and then you'd drive for another 45 minutes, then you'd get to a Norm LeFoe gig.

02:33:50.000 Western Massachusetts is a trip.

02:33:52.000 That's why UMass Boston, or UMass Amherst rather, is so beautiful.

02:33:55.000 That Amherst town is amazing. 0.98

02:33:57.000 It's this really cool fucking town in the middle of nowhere in Western Massachusetts. 0.97

02:34:02.000 There's so many towns like that where it's like what has brought the town together is essentially just the college. 0.99

02:34:07.000 Yeah, you go to Madison Wisconsin.

02:34:13.000 Yeah, yeah, exactly.

02:34:14.000 Lincoln, Nebraska.

02:34:15.000 Boulder, Colorado.

02:34:16.000 Yeah.

02:34:17.000 Yeah, there's a lot of places like that.

02:34:18.000 Yeah, that's why I always think like, you know...

02:34:22.000 I really would like to teach at some point.

02:34:24.000 I was thinking about going to a cool college town.

02:34:26.000 I would like to teach comedy.

02:34:28.000 I'd like to teach all aspects of it.

02:34:32.000 Yeah, comic history, comic method.

02:34:35.000 Auditioning.

02:34:36.000 You're essentially a PhD in stand-up.

02:34:38.000 You're a master.

02:34:39.000 I've written it on sitcoms.

02:34:41.000 I've written it on late night.

02:34:42.000 I've written sketches.

02:34:43.000 I've done stand-up.

02:34:44.000 Grammy winner.

02:34:44.000 No, Emmys.

02:34:46.000 Four Emmys.

02:34:47.000 Daytime Emmys?

02:34:48.000 So talk shows?

02:34:49.000 Yeah.

02:34:50.000 Yeah, Ellen DeGeneres. 1.00

02:34:52.000 Two for producing and two for writing.

02:34:54.000 And then I won a... 0.98

02:34:55.000 What the fuck was it called? 0.99

02:34:58.000 Cable Ace Award. 1.00

02:34:59.000 Are you an Ellen Besties? 1.00

02:35:00.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

02:35:01.000 She just called me. 1.00

02:35:02.000 God damn it. 1.00

02:35:03.000 I gotta call that bitch back. 1.00

02:35:07.000 No. 1.00

02:35:08.000 I mean, we're nothing.

02:35:10.000 Did you ever kiss her on the lips?

02:35:11.000 I did.

02:35:12.000 Did you ever wonder what it would be like to make love to her?

02:35:14.000 Yes.

02:35:15.000 Really?

02:35:15.000 Did you think about that?

02:35:15.000 Like, that's gotta be weird.

02:35:17.000 Well, I think if you put me in an office with a number of women by the end of the week, I will have imagined each of them. 1.00

02:35:24.000 Did you ever see her Mac?

02:35:26.000 You ever see her put her girl Mac down? 1.00

02:35:29.000 The last time I talked about this, I got a call from a lawyer?

02:35:33.000 Yeah.

02:35:34.000 Really?

02:35:34.000 Yeah, I can't talk about it.

02:35:35.000 Wow.

02:35:36.000 Oh, did you sign a nondisclosure when you worked there?

02:35:38.000 Yeah.

02:35:38.000 Oh, you shouldn't be talking to me right now.

02:35:40.000 She's an awesome person, right?

02:35:41.000 I love her.

02:35:42.000 Love her to death.

02:35:43.000 Love the show.

02:35:44.000 Love everything about her.

02:35:45.000 You know what's wild?

02:35:46.000 I saw her on one of those HBO Young Comedian specials.

02:35:48.000 They play them on HBO now.

02:35:49.000 Have you seen them?

02:35:50.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:35:51.000 It's fucking great, isn't it? 0.96

02:35:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:35:53.000 It's like I saw her in these balloony fucking Joey Buttafuoco pants and a big blousey shirt and a mullet. 1.00

02:36:01.000 And then you see Jerry Seinfeld come on, and he looks like he's fucking 11 years old. 0.99

02:36:06.000 I love watching this. 0.96

02:36:07.000 You know who had a good one, man?

02:36:08.000 I always wonder, whatever happened to the guy?

02:36:10.000 Rick Dukaman.

02:36:11.000 Oh, God, yeah. 0.97

02:36:12.000 Rick Dukaman was fucking funny, man. 1.00

02:36:14.000 He had some good shit. 1.00

02:36:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:36:17.000 He was always angry at everything, but it was a different kind of anger.

02:36:20.000 He was like, he would leave the microphone in the stand.

02:36:22.000 I remember that, because all my guys, my favorite comics, like Pryor, Kinison, and George Carlin, they always carried the microphone.

02:36:29.000 But he would leave it in the stand.

02:36:31.000 I was like, wow, he's angry with it in the stand.

02:36:33.000 This is a new approach.

02:36:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:36:35.000 He was a funny guy, man.

02:36:36.000 I always wondered, like, there's always a few guys that, like, they were really funny at one point in time, and then you're like, where is that guy?

02:36:41.000 Where did he go?

02:36:42.000 You know, what happened?

02:36:43.000 Well, you know what's cool is, like, Dana Gould to me was like that when he was young. 0.98

02:36:46.000 I was like, fuck, there's nobody funnier than this guy. 0.87

02:36:48.000 And then he went off to write for The Simpsons, and I was, you know, casual friends with him. 0.98

02:36:52.000 I'm much better friends with him now.

02:36:54.000 Didn't see him for years, and then all of a sudden he came back, like, with a vengeance.

02:36:58.000 And now he's, like, phenomenal again, but in a totally different way.

02:37:01.000 I watched him one of his first sets back.

02:37:03.000 He still had it, but it was weird watching the guy put together a new act.

02:37:06.000 A new act.

02:37:07.000 He clearly knew how to do stand-up, but it was like you could see him doing it, going like, wow.

02:37:12.000 It was really kind of interesting.

02:37:13.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:37:14.000 Well, it's like that with Chris Rock every time, man.

02:37:17.000 Here's the thing about Chris Rock.

02:37:18.000 You got Dave Chappelle, who I think came out of the womb, grabbed the mic, and was funny.

02:37:22.000 And then you got Chris Rock, who's a guy, I don't know if you've seen him when he starts out. 0.98

02:37:26.000 It's fucking painful.

02:37:28.000 Oh, I've seen him go on stage with just ideas and not knowing where they're going and trudge it out on stage and not have it work at all. 0.99

02:37:36.000 No.

02:37:36.000 I mean, he's a guy who I think is obviously extremely funny.

02:37:41.000 But at the same time, I think he's cerebral funny, where he thinks about it, he writes it, he rewrites it, he works hard, and then he comes up with an hour.

02:37:49.000 Like, his Bigger and Blacker, is that what it was called?

02:37:52.000 I mean, I'd put it against any hour of stand-up ever. 0.90

02:37:56.000 But the way people get there is, you know, it's fucking different for everybody.

02:38:02.000 You know, I think seeing somebody start to finish, that to me is a great TV show. 0.80

02:38:08.000 I'd like to see something on Comedy Central where you watch, you know, put the cameras on four or five comics for three months and watch them develop, you know, interesting comics, different styles, and watch them write Hone, rewrite, bomb.

02:38:21.000 That's a great idea for a show, dude.

02:38:23.000 You should pitch that.

02:38:24.000 The thing is, though, that very few guys actually put together an act like Louis does every year.

02:38:29.000 To have people do it like that.

02:38:31.000 But if you force comics to do it for a show, then at the end of it, you do a special.

02:38:36.000 At the end of it, they all do a half an hour.

02:38:37.000 It's an hour and a half special.

02:38:38.000 You follow three comics over the course of a year.

02:38:41.000 Or six months.

02:38:42.000 Say six months for 30 minutes of material.

02:38:45.000 That's plenty of time.

02:38:46.000 That's fair.

02:38:47.000 Yeah.

02:38:47.000 You know what?

02:38:48.000 Really? 1.00

02:38:48.000 You could probably do it in three months if you really had to bust your ass. 1.00

02:38:50.000 I think you've got to do three because that would be tough to get it for six. 0.99

02:38:53.000 Cycle.

02:38:53.000 Filming cycle.

02:38:54.000 Yeah, I think.

02:38:54.000 Right.

02:38:54.000 Well, unless you could come.

02:38:55.000 I mean, you could pace it out where you come to them like once every couple weeks or something like that.

02:39:00.000 Yeah.

02:39:00.000 To fill multiple people.

02:39:01.000 Yeah.

02:39:02.000 Yeah, and I wonder if there's a way to.

02:39:03.000 Three, you follow three, but you really follow six and you use the best three.

02:39:07.000 Right.

02:39:07.000 Yeah, and I think there's also maybe you front load it with like they each have to get topics.

02:39:15.000 If you want to make a reality show that paid off with this new 15 minutes, but just to keep it honest, they have to start...

02:39:22.000 I don't know if they all start with the same topics, or they draw from a hat for topics.

02:39:27.000 There's something to give it some structure. 0.98

02:39:29.000 Yeah, some real Last Comic Standing shit. 0.96

02:39:31.000 Because you know what I didn't like about Last Comic Standing? 0.97

02:39:34.000 When they forced those guys to start auditioning in front of two judges and do their act. 0.99

02:39:39.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

02:39:40.000 That's not even stand-up. 1.00

02:39:41.000 If you really want to watch him do stand-up, go watch him do fucking stand-up. 0.99

02:39:45.000 You're making a guy tell jokes to you. 0.99

02:39:47.000 Give him some dignity.

02:39:48.000 Yeah, and you're trying to do this whole...

02:39:49.000 What's his name from the English guy?

02:39:54.000 Alfredo.

02:39:55.000 The English guy from Star Search.

02:39:56.000 Simon Cowell. 0.99

02:39:57.000 They're doing the Simon Cowell bullshit. 0.99

02:39:59.000 They're trying to be like, please, enough. 0.98

02:40:02.000 That joke is never going to work.

02:40:05.000 You know, they're doing this harsh judgment thing because that's what a lot of people like.

02:40:10.000 I don't think that's the way to film.

02:40:12.000 I think the way to film a stand-up show is not in front of a live audience like that.

02:40:15.000 It's in front of a bunch of live audiences.

02:40:17.000 You follow a guy around.

02:40:18.000 Yeah, have a reality show where you're following stand-ups while they're putting together a special, and then at the end of the whole thing, they actually do their special.

02:40:26.000 Monster live event taping at a good-sized theater.

02:40:30.000 The only problem though is then the people are going to know the material.

02:40:32.000 So really the best way to do it would be recorded in advance.

02:40:36.000 Yeah, you bank the whole thing and then you roll it out later.

02:40:39.000 Yeah, you couldn't do it live.

02:40:40.000 No.

02:40:41.000 But you could do it that way where you watch a live audience respond to that material and you see how that guy's developed it and you'd really appreciate it as a person who enjoys the craft of comedy.

02:40:52.000 Let's write it up.

02:40:53.000 Let's write it up.

02:40:53.000 I'm going to pitch it.

02:40:54.000 What do we call it?

02:40:58.000 Stand-up comedy.

02:40:59.000 Comic-can.

02:41:00.000 Comic-can.

02:41:01.000 Ew, how dare you.

02:41:02.000 I'm kidding.

02:41:04.000 I think we call it...

02:41:07.000 From scratch.

02:41:09.000 Comedy from scratch?

02:41:11.000 Comedy from scratch.

02:41:11.000 Something like that.

02:41:12.000 I like that.

02:41:13.000 I like that.

02:41:14.000 Because that's essentially what it is.

02:41:16.000 And then you pick people with really different styles.

02:41:18.000 Comedy from scratch.

02:41:19.000 That's perfect.

02:41:20.000 You nailed it.

02:41:20.000 That's it.

02:41:21.000 That's the name.

02:41:22.000 I like maybe you get the same five topics.

02:41:25.000 You're going to do 15 minutes on five topics.

02:41:27.000 Then you get a guy who's a storyteller.

02:41:29.000 You get a guy who's a set-up punchline guy.

02:41:32.000 Yeah, but we're limiting ourselves if we give them topics.

02:41:34.000 If you just let the guy explore, then you get to see where he's coming up with his material.

02:41:38.000 Yeah, but you don't know if he didn't already write it. 0.98

02:41:40.000 I want to make sure they're not pulling some old shit out. 1.00

02:41:42.000 That's true. 0.99

02:41:43.000 Plus, they'd be all cum jokes. 0.95

02:41:44.000 That's true. 0.97

02:41:45.000 Well, you know what?

02:41:47.000 Will you disqualify them from the show if they do?

02:41:49.000 Say, listen, man, you can't lie about this. 1.00

02:41:51.000 If we find out you're lying about this, you're fucked. 1.00

02:41:53.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:41:53.000 We want all new material. 0.99

02:41:56.000 Yeah.

02:41:57.000 I still feel like it needs a starting point.

02:41:59.000 It needs like a crisp like, okay, starting from here.

02:42:03.000 How about this?

02:42:04.000 Maybe there's three comics, right?

02:42:06.000 We want them to have five new topics.

02:42:09.000 Each one has five new topics?

02:42:10.000 You assign them five topics and they come up with material. 0.95

02:42:12.000 How about they have like a fucking big wheel and they have to reach in and pull the topics out? 0.95

02:42:17.000 Yeah, that's good. 0.98

02:42:17.000 Yeah, like we spin the wheel and you reach in. 0.98

02:42:19.000 What's your first topic?

02:42:21.000 Yeah.

02:42:21.000 Marriage.

02:42:22.000 Goes up on the board. 1.00

02:42:23.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:42:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:42:24.000 And then there's also the pitfalls of hackery.

02:42:26.000 Like how do you avoid, you know, like this subject's been dumped.

02:42:29.000 You have to do a joke about women's tampons. 1.00

02:42:31.000 I'm sorry.

02:42:32.000 Yeah.

02:42:33.000 Jesus Christ.

02:42:34.000 Do a joke about buying women's tampons. 0.98

02:42:36.000 Is that what you're going to do?

02:42:37.000 Price check.

02:42:38.000 Tampons aisle five.

02:42:39.000 Ugh.

02:42:40.000 I mean, is that...

02:42:41.000 How can you avoid the hack premise?

02:42:44.000 Yeah.

02:42:44.000 Well, let's play it right now.

02:42:46.000 I'll give you a topic.

02:42:47.000 You do a joke.

02:42:47.000 You give me a topic.

02:42:49.000 We'll play three rounds.

02:42:50.000 Okay, go ahead.

02:42:50.000 All right, I'm going to start.

02:42:52.000 And they should be hacky premises just to prove that you don't have to do it.

02:42:58.000 Kittens. 1.00

02:42:59.000 I fucked them. 1.00

02:43:00.000 Oh! 1.00

02:43:01.000 Come.

02:43:02.000 I came.

02:43:03.000 Oh! 1.00

02:43:05.000 Big fat fucking ass! 1.00

02:43:08.000 Oh! 1.00

02:43:09.000 Oh! 0.60

02:43:13.000 That's a good show.

02:43:14.000 Okay, yeah.

02:43:18.000 Midlife crisis cars. 0.99

02:43:20.000 If you buy a Prius, you might as well just put a white flag in your balls hanging from the antenna because it's over. 0.97

02:43:27.000 Greg actually bought a Prius. 0.98

02:43:28.000 We were having a conversation before.

02:43:30.000 He goes, I go, please tell me this is your Prius.

02:43:32.000 He goes, yes it is.

02:43:33.000 We're walking down the street.

02:43:34.000 He has no idea which car is mine.

02:43:36.000 It's the Venice one.

02:43:36.000 Yeah.

02:43:37.000 I was living in Venice.

02:43:38.000 I know.

02:43:38.000 I knew you had a Prius.

02:43:39.000 And the worst thing is I still fucking... 0.98

02:43:40.000 I still have driving rage and I cut people off and I speed. 0.99

02:43:44.000 And the worst thing is there's a button on your dashboard on the new Prius where it takes all the electrical shit out and it's just a fast, light little Toyota. 0.66

02:43:53.000 And you go really fast and you get no gas mileage. 0.89

02:43:55.000 And that's how I drive all the time.

02:43:57.000 Well, they did a thing on Top Gear.

02:43:59.000 Where they had a Prius and an M3, and they sent them around a racetrack.

02:44:03.000 And the M3 actually ate less gas than the Prius did when it was driving around a racetrack.

02:44:07.000 Oh yeah, it's meant for around town.

02:44:08.000 That's where you save the gas.

02:44:09.000 But not when I'm driving.

02:44:10.000 Stop and go. 0.99

02:44:11.000 I fucking floor it. 0.99

02:44:13.000 But what he wanted, what Greg really wanted, was one of those spiffy new Dodge Challengers. 0.99

02:44:18.000 Yeah, the big one.

02:44:19.000 With the Hemis.

02:44:20.000 Those cars are awesome, man.

02:44:21.000 They're beautiful.

02:44:21.000 They sound good.

02:44:23.000 They fucking look great. 0.98

02:44:25.000 The shape is satisfying. 0.99

02:44:26.000 Yeah.

02:44:26.000 I found one, and I was looking at it.

02:44:28.000 It was a year old. 0.96

02:44:29.000 I got it down at CarMax, and I was going to get it for like fucking 24,000 loaded V8. And then my wife and kids were going, Daddy, the environment, you got to get a Prius. 0.97

02:44:39.000 What kind of pussies are you raising? 1.00

02:44:40.000 I know, and I just, I caved. 1.00

02:44:43.000 Meanwhile, Prius is filled with conflict minerals, okay? 0.99

02:44:46.000 And Priuses have lithium-ion batteries. 0.99

02:44:48.000 They're getting those fucking little kids picking up minerals for the Congo. 1.00

02:44:53.000 It's terrible. 1.00

02:44:54.000 There's nothing good about the way they construct those fucking things. 0.99

02:44:59.000 The only idea is that you're using less gas while you actually use it. 0.98

02:45:02.000 Yeah, and what do you do with the batteries when it's done? 0.99

02:45:04.000 It's fucking toxic. 0.97

02:45:05.000 I made a mistake. 0.99

02:45:06.000 I made a pretty big mistake. 1.00

02:45:08.000 Motherfuckers, KP from a Challenger. 1.00

02:45:09.000 That's a man's car. 1.00

02:45:10.000 I know.

02:45:10.000 That's a car you can appreciate when you hit that gas, you hear the rumble of the V8. You feel it.

02:45:16.000 Yeah, it's a car.

02:45:17.000 It's a man's car. 0.99

02:45:18.000 It's a man's car, and you know, when I pull up to a red light, I'm next to a woman, I'm married and whatever, but I need to be able to look her in the eye.

02:45:24.000 And with the Prius, your eyes go straight ahead.

02:45:26.000 You just keep straight ahead. 1.00

02:45:27.000 Yeah, you're just useless. 1.00

02:45:28.000 This girl fucking popped a zit on the side of her face in my direction in front of me while I was at a red light. 1.00

02:45:34.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:45:35.000 You're off the menu. 1.00

02:45:36.000 She's looking at you. 1.00

02:45:37.000 Prius driving, little bitch. 1.00

02:45:38.000 Bald little fucking Prius. 1.00

02:45:39.000 Nothing. 1.00

02:45:39.000 I'll pop a zit in front of you. 1.00

02:45:41.000 Shit. 1.00

02:45:41.000 Until the blood comes out. 1.00

02:45:42.000 I'll keep squeezing it until the blood squirts. 1.00

02:45:45.000 Yeah, there's certain things you don't want to ever see a girl do if you're going to fuck her. 1.00

02:45:48.000 Papa Zit is one of them. 1.00

02:45:50.000 Take a shit's another. 1.00

02:45:51.000 You don't? 1.00

02:45:51.000 Oh, no shitting. 1.00

02:45:52.000 Toilet paper on the butthole. 1.00

02:45:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:45:53.000 I mean, you can watch some shit. 1.00

02:45:54.000 I mean, at this point in time, you know? 1.00

02:45:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:45:56.000 But, you know, when you're a young man, I have a friend who was in love with this chick, and he came over to her house, and he lifted up the toilet bowl to take a leak, and there was a floater, and he couldn't fuck her. 0.99

02:46:05.000 He was like, it was done. 0.99

02:46:06.000 Really?

02:46:07.000 It was over.

02:46:08.000 Wow.

02:46:08.000 It was like 20. When you're 40, you just flush it for her.

02:46:12.000 Then you hope she wiped. 1.00

02:46:13.000 When I'm 20, she could take a shit on my balls. 1.00

02:46:16.000 I mean, nothing would stop me. 1.00

02:46:20.000 Shit on your balls. 1.00

02:46:21.000 Actually, that would be... 1.00

02:46:23.000 Now I'm going to find that site. 0.99

02:46:25.000 Have you ever dated a girl that was into weird shit, like she wanted you to piss on her or anything crazy? 1.00

02:46:29.000 There was a girl that used to like me to choke her and slap her. 1.00

02:46:31.000 Oh, I've had a lot of that.

02:46:32.000 In my car, because she was a waitress at a club in Boston. 0.99

02:46:36.000 I never would do the slapping thing, but I've choked the fuck out of some chicks. 1.00

02:46:41.000 From behind or front? 0.99

02:46:42.000 Oh, all kinds of ways.

02:46:43.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:46:44.000 I had one girl that wanted to wrestle before we fucked. 1.00

02:46:46.000 Nice. 0.99

02:46:46.000 We'd always wrestle. 0.99

02:46:47.000 She'd push me.

02:46:48.000 She would push me.

02:46:49.000 I'd come over to her house and she'd be like, what?

02:46:51.000 And I'd go, what? 0.99

02:46:52.000 And she's like, I'm going to fucking wrestle? 0.99

02:46:54.000 Are you serious? 0.99

02:46:55.000 Like, what are you talking about?

02:46:56.000 And she'd push me. 0.99

02:46:57.000 She goes, you know I'm fucking talking. 0.99

02:46:58.000 I'm like, okay, what is going on here? 0.99

02:47:00.000 Like, what are you doing?

02:47:01.000 And she'd go, what, are you scared?

02:47:03.000 Are you scared of getting beaten by a girl? 0.99

02:47:04.000 And then we'd be in this, like, little wrist fight thing where she'd be, like, grabbing my wrist and shit. 1.00

02:47:08.000 Then I'd have to just manhandle her. 1.00

02:47:09.000 And that's what she wanted. 0.95

02:47:11.000 She wanted to just get dominated.

02:47:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:47:13.000 I can see that. 1.00

02:47:14.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:47:14.000 Got crazy. 1.00

02:47:15.000 Yeah, she would almost... 1.00

02:47:16.000 What it essentially was was she wanted to get raped by somebody that she wanted to fuck. 1.00

02:47:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:47:22.000 That's what she wanted to do. 1.00

02:47:23.000 That was her thing.

02:47:24.000 But I go, this is very confusing.

02:47:26.000 We would talk about it. 1.00

02:47:28.000 She would tell me, I want you to fucking rape me. 1.00

02:47:29.000 She was crazy. 1.00

02:47:31.000 Wow. 0.53

02:47:31.000 Yeah, and I go, listen... 0.53

02:47:32.000 I don't want to rape you, okay? 1.00

02:47:35.000 If you want me to fuck you as if I raped you, that we can do, okay? 1.00

02:47:39.000 But I want to know when you're fighting me off that you want me to do this. 1.00

02:47:43.000 Like, this is confusing as fuck. 0.98

02:47:45.000 And I don't want to develop any taste for this. 0.99

02:47:47.000 Yeah, I know! 0.91

02:47:49.000 That's just it because you've been socialized to not rape.

02:47:52.000 She's unsocializing you. 1.00

02:47:54.000 And that may not be limited to her pool.

02:47:57.000 And by the way, it took a while to get this out of her.

02:47:59.000 When we first started dating, she was like super normal.

02:48:02.000 It took some time before we got to what she really liked.

02:48:08.000 Wow.

02:48:08.000 It was really weird.

02:48:09.000 As she got a little bit more comfortable with me, she would want to arm wrestle me or something. 1.00

02:48:14.000 It was real weird.

02:48:15.000 It was over the course of a couple of months.

02:48:17.000 That's pretty quick. 0.99

02:48:18.000 The next thing, I was just fucking throwing her around, dude. 1.00

02:48:20.000 It was ridiculous. 1.00

02:48:21.000 I would hoist her up in the air and toss her through the air and shit. 1.00

02:48:25.000 The best is you meet a guy later and you're like, Oh, you say Jennifer? 0.98

02:48:28.000 I was dating Jennifer.

02:48:29.000 And you just look at him like...

02:48:30.000 Yeah.

02:48:31.000 Yeah, you just shake your head and walk away.

02:48:33.000 It wasn't Jennifer.

02:48:34.000 Just...

02:48:35.000 Oh, I didn't mean to say Jennifer! 1.00

02:48:36.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:48:37.000 She was a nice girl. 1.00

02:48:38.000 No, she was a very nice person. 0.89

02:48:40.000 But I had a girl, when I was at the Neighborhood Playhouse, we had a scene from, Farrah Fawcett did this movie, I forget what it was called, but she gets raped. 0.99

02:48:48.000 Oh, the burning bed. 0.89

02:48:49.000 Yes, exactly.

02:48:50.000 Yes. 1.00

02:48:51.000 So we're doing the rape scene from that, and I'm like, we get assigned that, and I'm like, fuck! 1.00

02:48:54.000 And this girl is like, not a great face, but giant rag, good body. 1.00

02:48:59.000 And so we have to rehearse it. 0.82

02:49:01.000 And so we go to, you get to go to the workspace, and there's a combination lock, and we go in, and it's just us, and we're practicing the rape scene, where I literally knock her down, get on top of her, rip her blouse off, and kind of dry-humping her while she screams.

02:49:18.000 So we start to rehearse it.

02:49:20.000 The reason why we have to go to the studio alone is we tried to do it in class and he was like, this is completely not believable.

02:49:26.000 You guys are so aware and you're so inhibited.

02:49:29.000 You need to let this scene out together.

02:49:32.000 Come do it.

02:49:33.000 So we go to the studio.

02:49:35.000 And I get on top of her.

02:49:37.000 And I rip her shirt. 1.00

02:49:38.000 She said, you know what?

02:49:39.000 I brought an extra shirt.

02:49:40.000 You can just rip it.

02:49:41.000 And I rip it.

02:49:42.000 Giant rack.

02:49:43.000 And I start. 0.99

02:49:44.000 And I'm dry humping her. 0.99

02:49:45.000 We're supposed to be doing the lines.

02:49:46.000 And we just start dry humping, dry humping.

02:49:49.000 And I was so embarrassed that I kept stopping.

02:49:52.000 I'm raging hard on.

02:49:54.000 And I'm rubbing it against her.

02:49:55.000 And we would redo the scene.

02:49:56.000 And she was totally into it.

02:49:58.000 And I was totally into it.

02:49:59.000 She was totally into it sexually?

02:50:00.000 Oh, it was such a turn on.

02:50:01.000 It was...

02:50:03.000 We were both totally into it, and she was dating a guy in the class, so I wasn't gonna go over that line, but I had to get in the head as an actor of being a rapist, and I just couldn't do it.

02:50:16.000 I couldn't give over to really feeling what it would feel like, because to really tap into what it would feel like to rape somebody and want to, I guess it would require me shedding so many constraints Do you know what I mean?

02:50:29.000 Yeah.

02:50:29.000 I don't know how you could really portray a rapist.

02:50:32.000 I felt like apologizing the whole time that I was doing it.

02:50:35.000 Yeah, that's so weird to put your mind into that place and then to trust it to not actually rape the girl. 0.90

02:50:42.000 Yes!

02:50:43.000 That's what it was.

02:50:44.000 I didn't know when the breaks were going to go on if I let that out.

02:50:47.000 I was afraid that if I let it out I couldn't stop it.

02:50:49.000 Because it's in every man.

02:50:51.000 Every man has some chimpanzee inside of him. 0.99

02:50:53.000 Chimps are just raping each other left and right. 1.00

02:50:55.000 They love it. 1.00

02:50:55.000 That's what they do. 1.00

02:50:56.000 They love to rape. 1.00

02:50:57.000 That's how you get some pussy. 1.00

02:50:58.000 You've got to take it. 1.00

02:50:59.000 Well, and in America, I think we've gotten away from that.

02:51:05.000 One of the things you were talking about when we were playing pool that I totally agree with is that people aren't afraid of getting punched in the face anymore.

02:51:11.000 No.

02:51:11.000 And that's a problem.

02:51:12.000 That's a problem.

02:51:13.000 You know, we've lost biologically.

02:51:15.000 And your act, I know, you play a lot with the idea of the animal kingdom and how, as humans, we have to stop denying the connection, basically.

02:51:23.000 Yeah, that we're a species.

02:51:24.000 And we developed as a species by getting punched in the face and being killed for doing this action.

02:51:29.000 And so the other people survived and they didn't do that action.

02:51:32.000 And that's what shaped us.

02:51:33.000 And it's also like when I see a guy on it, like there was a guy in his convertible the other day and he was talking on his Bluetooth phone.

02:51:40.000 And I forget what he was saying, but just being a loud, self-involved douche who didn't look around and everyone could hear him. 0.96

02:51:46.000 And I just thought, I want to punch this guy in the face, you know? 0.98

02:51:49.000 And I should because I'm doing society a disservice by not punching him in the face. 0.99

02:51:53.000 And if we...

02:51:54.000 What is it about someone that's talking loud with a convertible in a Bluetooth that's so offensive?

02:52:00.000 To me, we live in a society that is supposed to be aware of its other members and all working towards a certain set of beliefs like respecting each other's space and not being a flashy car.

02:52:15.000 Don't be so needy.

02:52:17.000 And it wasn't like he wanted attention.

02:52:19.000 What I get insulted by is, you're not giving me the credit of being a pedestrian who doesn't want to hear you.

02:52:26.000 You're not even looking at me.

02:52:28.000 You're making me feel like I don't exist, and you're making me feel like whatever you're talking about is more important than me.

02:52:33.000 I know that sounds weird, but it's a subconscious thing where you feel like you're not validating even the fact that I'm a pedestrian right now.

02:52:40.000 Right, right.

02:52:40.000 And it's not necessary, right?

02:52:42.000 You know, if you do have your fucking car, and you answer a phone call, and you're like, dude, I've got my top down right now, so let me put the top on, I'll call you right back. 0.99

02:52:53.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:52:53.000 Right? 0.99

02:52:54.000 I would never talk to somebody in a restaurant or a coffee shop. 0.98

02:52:58.000 You know, there's just things I wouldn't fucking do. 0.83

02:53:00.000 You don't talk to someone on the phone, you mean? 0.98

02:53:01.000 I go outside.

02:53:02.000 Oh, okay.

02:53:03.000 Do you really always?

02:53:04.000 Hell yeah.

02:53:05.000 Do you text when you're at dinner or at a restaurant?

02:53:07.000 Yeah, but only when somebody goes to the bathroom or whatever.

02:53:10.000 I don't check texts that often because I feel like life has a rhythm that we've lost, and if I'm constantly available, then my rhythm is thrown off because something can happen in that text that changes my thought to, oh, I've got to call that guy back or I've got to do that.

02:53:26.000 I suddenly become a servant of my messages coming in, but I try to space it out every two or three hours.

02:53:32.000 I don't think there's anything that important that I can't ignore.

02:53:35.000 I'm very addicted to technological communication, whether it's Twitter or texting.

02:53:43.000 It's very hard for me.

02:53:44.000 If my phone's in my pocket and I hear, it vibrates, I know I got a text.

02:53:48.000 I almost have to read it.

02:53:49.000 You're like a multitasker, though.

02:53:51.000 That's not good.

02:53:53.000 Especially when you're having a conversation with someone at a restaurant.

02:53:55.000 You really shouldn't be texting people at a restaurant.

02:53:57.000 I avoid it if and whenever possible.

02:54:00.000 I'm ashamed.

02:54:00.000 I'll excuse myself and go to the bathroom and then check my emails.

02:54:04.000 I would never do it at the table.

02:54:05.000 Ever.

02:54:06.000 It's an interesting thing because we do have this weird disconnect when we're right in front of each other.

02:54:13.000 The ultimate is to be right in front of a person and communicate with them.

02:54:16.000 Meanwhile, you're sitting there exchanging text words with someone who's nowhere near you while there's a person right in front of you.

02:54:24.000 And they feel less important now. 0.66

02:54:25.000 Unless it's something like fucking super important and really what is. 0.96

02:54:28.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:54:29.000 Really what is.

02:54:29.000 I know.

02:54:30.000 What is while you're having a conversation.

02:54:32.000 You get three calls a year that really are like, you know, you got to call back for this thing that's filming tomorrow.

02:54:37.000 Yeah.

02:54:37.000 Or your wife is taking the kid to the hospital.

02:54:40.000 And I love the fact about the iPhone.

02:54:41.000 If I look at my phone, I get the message right there.

02:54:45.000 Yeah.

02:54:45.000 I don't even have to read.

02:54:45.000 So I know.

02:54:46.000 Help, call me right now.

02:54:47.000 Yeah.

02:54:48.000 Oh, okay, there's something going on.

02:54:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:54:49.000 But what's up, bitch? 1.00

02:54:50.000 Oh, I know that one's not important. 1.00

02:54:51.000 Yeah.

02:54:52.000 You know?

02:54:52.000 Yeah.

02:54:53.000 I mean, look, we used to come home and there was no answering machine even.

02:54:56.000 You know what I mean?

02:54:57.000 People lived.

02:54:58.000 We got by and I think that like...

02:54:59.000 How hard was it to find people? 1.00

02:55:01.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:55:01.000 It was hard. 1.00

02:55:02.000 You had to stick to a plan.

02:55:03.000 We've got to end this because if it goes over three hours, iTunes shits on itself and doesn't know how to handle a file.

02:55:08.000 We didn't seriously go that long.

02:55:10.000 Yeah, we did, dude.

02:55:11.000 We've got to do this more often.

02:55:12.000 That was flat fluke.

02:55:13.000 How do people get your podcast?

02:55:14.000 I know it's available on Sirius, on Howard 101. Well, that's the radio show.

02:55:20.000 Oh, the radio show.

02:55:20.000 Yeah, the podcast.

02:55:21.000 The radio show is different than the podcast.

02:55:22.000 Yeah, but the podcast is FitzDog Radio.

02:55:25.000 There's an app called FitzDog, and then iTunes, and my site is FitzDog.com.

02:55:30.000 And my book, I've got an audio book, the one I told you I wrote.

02:55:33.000 There's an audio book version available on Audible.com and iTunes.

02:55:37.000 Oh, beautiful.

02:55:37.000 Did you write it?

02:55:38.000 Did you read it?

02:55:39.000 I read it and then I had a bunch of other people read it.

02:55:42.000 It's all letters that my mother saved my whole life when I was in trouble.

02:55:45.000 So I've got Zach Galifianakis and Adam Carole.

02:55:49.000 I've got all these famous people reading the letters as if they're the teachers.

02:55:51.000 Oh, that's awesome.

02:55:52.000 That's cool.

02:55:53.000 Dear Miss Fitzsimmons, right?

02:55:54.000 Dear Miss Fitzsimmons, yeah.

02:55:55.000 That's awesome.

02:55:56.000 Beautiful.

02:55:56.000 Good idea.

02:55:57.000 Alright, man.

02:55:58.000 So people know how to get you on Twitter.

02:56:00.000 It's Greg Fitz Show on Twitter.

02:56:03.000 That's it.

02:56:03.000 At Greg Fitz Show.

02:56:04.000 Thanks for coming.

02:56:05.000 Hey, man.

02:56:05.000 My pleasure.

02:56:06.000 It's a lot of fun.

02:56:07.000 We've got to do this more often.

02:56:08.000 All right, Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

02:56:11.000 We want to thank The Fleshlight for being the first sponsor of this proud podcast. 0.98

02:56:16.000 We don't even know what the fuck we are. 0.91

02:56:19.000 We're just existing. 0.98

02:56:20.000 Look, we love you.

02:56:21.000 We just have to do this.

02:56:23.000 Thanks to The Fleshlight and go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link, enter in the code name Rogan and you get 15% off.

02:56:28.000 Thank you to Onnit.com, creators of AlphaBrain.

02:56:31.000 If you're interested in any of this stuff, just go to Onnit, O-N-N-I-T. There's ample information. 0.95

02:56:37.000 Any criticisms we've had about that information in the past, it's all been reworked and it's done in the proper manner.

02:56:43.000 As far as scientific studies, they're in the middle of doing double-blind placebo studies at an accredited university right now.

02:56:48.000 This is a real supplement.

02:56:50.000 I love it.

02:56:50.000 I take it every day.

02:56:53.000 A nootropic.

02:56:54.000 If you don't know what nootropics are, I suggest you Google it.

02:56:57.000 Nootropics.

02:56:57.000 N-O-O-T-R-O-P-I-C-S. And what it is, essentially, it's nutrients for cognitive function.

02:57:03.000 It increases your brain's productions of neurotransmitters, and it helps you function better.

02:57:08.000 It helps your brain work smoother. 0.99

02:57:10.000 It's not going to make you smart if you're stupid, but it's interesting stuff. 1.00

02:57:14.000 Google it. 1.00

02:57:15.000 Check it out.

02:57:15.000 Go to Onnit.com.

02:57:16.000 Check out all the different stuff that we have available and enter in the code name ROGAN and you will get 10% off anything you buy from now until eternity.

02:57:23.000 Thank you everybody for tuning in.

02:57:24.000 We appreciate the fuck out of you as always.

02:57:26.000 Please come to see us at the Brea Improv this weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. 0.99

02:57:30.000 It'll be me, Duncan Trussell, Ari Shafir, and Brian Redband's gonna drop in and fucking show his shit too. 0.98

02:57:36.000 Nice. 0.99

02:57:36.000 Right, fella? 0.99

02:57:38.000 Yeah, it's Saturday, I think.

02:57:40.000 Saturday, he's going to get his free con.

02:57:41.000 All right.

02:57:42.000 So, good times are coming.

02:57:44.000 It looks like Atlanta, 4-20, April 20th, at the Tabernacle.

02:57:48.000 It looks like that's where I'm going to be doing my special.

02:57:50.000 We already sold out the first show, and we're going to add a second show eventually, shortly, soon.

02:57:55.000 And that's it.

02:57:55.000 For more information, go to JoeRogan.net.

02:57:57.000 This fucking podcast is over. 0.97

02:58:00.000 I don't have the ending song right now. 0.99

02:58:02.000 Oh.

02:58:02.000 Well, there's no ending song.

02:58:04.000 That's it.

02:58:04.000 Sing it, Joe.

02:58:09.000 Anything to say, Greg?

02:58:10.000 I love this. 0.99

02:58:11.000 I love this fucking podcast. 1.00

02:58:13.000 It's fun. 1.00

02:58:13.000 It was fun. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 29, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #190 - Greg Fitzsimmons

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