The Joe Rogan Experience - March 14, 2023


Joe Rogan Experience #1954 - Bert Kreischer

Topics
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Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Bert Kreischer
Mentioned
Uncle Joey Leanne Chris Rocks Dude Wonder Woman Mark Norman Chris Rock Will Smith Bert Kreischer Aaron Rodgers Tim Dillon Theo Pete Brittany Griner Steve Harvey Fully Loaded George Lopez Annabelle Chong Michael Jordan Graham Hancock and 130 more
Joe Rogan Experience #1953 - Duncan Trussell Joe Rogan Experience #1955 - Cliff Gray

Episode Stats


Length

3 hours and 22 minutes

Words per minute

194.17

Word count

39,361

Sentence count

4,882

Harmful content

Misogyny

193

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,516

sentences flagged

Hate speech

89

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Comedian Ron White stopped by to open for Joe Rogan's show in Austin, TX last night, and the night was a blast. We talk about how great it was to have him on the bill, and how much he's grown since then. We also talk about what it's like to be the manager of a comedy club and how important it is to have a good time with your friends and family. And of course, we talk about the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and the new Family Feud movie that's coming out on Netflix. Joe also talks about how he's in love with Steve Harvey and why he thinks it's a good idea to cheat on his wife. And he talks about why he doesn't have a crush on Steve Harvey. It's a fun, lighthearted episode that's full of laughs and a lot of good times. Enjoy! -Joe Rogan and Matt Rogan Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Cover art by Ian Dorsch. The theme song is by Suneaters, courtesy of Lotuspool Records. Our ad music is by Build Buildings. We do not own the rights to any of the music used on this episode of the podcast. Thank you to my good friend, Mark Phillips for producing the music for this episode. If you like the music, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and we'll be sure to give us a shoutout in next week's episode of Monday Morning Coffee Talk about the music we're listening to the music in the next episode of Coffee Talk with Joe Rogans podcast. Thank you so much love, Matt and I'll be looking out for you, too! -Jon Sorrentino and we appreciate you, Jon Rogan is a good friend of the show. -Josie and I hope you're having a great day. -- Thank you for listening and supporting the music is so much, thank you for being a good day, Jon and I'm glad you're listening out! -- thank you, Joe and I really appreciate it so much Jon and you're a lot, good night, bye, bye. XOXO. Jon and Joe and the rest of the crew at The Rogan Experience. Sarah, Sarah and I will see you soon. Love ya, bye! Sarah

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!
00:00:04.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.
00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day!
00:00:11.000 We rolling?
00:00:13.000 Hey, we're up.
00:00:14.000 Look at that.
00:00:14.000 We're doing a little podcast.
00:00:15.000 What a great fucking night last night was. 1.00
00:00:17.000 Fuck yeah it was. 1.00
00:00:18.000 Dude, I'm telling you, I woke up bubbling. 1.00
00:00:21.000 Yeah, I felt so good.
00:00:22.000 And last night was my first time in a managerial position.
00:00:28.000 Like, I just came to hang out, make sure everything ran smooth for your show.
00:00:32.000 It was wild.
00:00:32.000 Like, to be at my own club where one of my best friends is headlining, and all my other friends are opening for him.
00:00:41.000 I'm like, this is amazing. 0.99
00:00:42.000 It was a pretty fucking sick lineup. 0.99
00:00:44.000 Like, this is what's crazy. 0.99
00:00:45.000 If you said this ten years ago, in Austin, Texas...
00:00:49.000 The lineup that was on last night was insane.
00:00:53.000 We've been doing that a lot, though.
00:00:54.000 That's what's crazy.
00:00:55.000 These Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday shows that we've been doing out here, they're just stacked.
00:00:59.000 Dude, and then, let's just say, highlight of my career, they're chanting the machine, and I go, I'm not going to tell it, and they start cheering it, and I go, alright, I'll tell it if Ron White tells his tater salad story.
00:01:12.000 And people didn't even know he was up there.
00:01:15.000 They go fucking crazy, he walks on stage, I FaceTime Leigh-Anne, I FaceTime Leigh-Anne, who's like Ron's her favorite comic. 0.97
00:01:22.000 Guy in the front row is recording Tom Tellentators, or shooting Leanne watching it. 0.99
00:01:28.000 It was amazing.
00:01:29.000 I'll tell you right now.
00:01:30.000 It was so fun.
00:01:30.000 It'll show you how quick there are holes in your act, because then I was like, I don't think I can tell The Machine right after that.
00:01:35.000 I know you were talking about that, but no, The Machine's an amazing story.
00:01:39.000 It's an amazing story.
00:01:40.000 You're just self-examining.
00:01:42.000 I could have sat...
00:01:44.000 And broken down what I love about that story for the next 15 minutes, I could have talked about that story.
00:01:50.000 Yeah.
00:01:51.000 No, you said that on stage.
00:01:52.000 I believe it.
00:01:54.000 Yeah, Ron's one of the best storytellers of all time.
00:01:56.000 Having him out here, it's amazing.
00:01:58.000 Because he's such a...
00:02:00.000 He's like the statesman of comedy out here, and he's so respected, and he's such a good person.
00:02:07.000 He almost made me cry last night.
00:02:09.000 Such a good guy.
00:02:09.000 At the end of the night, I'm pretty loaded, and he comes up, and he was like, thanks for bringing me.
00:02:14.000 That was really fun.
00:02:15.000 And he goes, I just came out to watch you tonight.
00:02:17.000 And I was like, what?
00:02:18.000 He was like, yeah, I came out to watch you.
00:02:20.000 I'm a fan.
00:02:21.000 And I was like, bro, you can't say that. 0.99
00:02:23.000 Like, that fucking killed me. 0.99
00:02:26.000 I was like, if there's careers that I've looked at and wanted to emulate, it's him, Attell, you know, those guys are the fucking my goats, you know? 0.99
00:02:35.000 For sure. 0.97
00:02:36.000 I mean, everybody loves Ron.
00:02:39.000 I've never met a comic who doesn't think Ron White's funny.
00:02:42.000 They don't exist.
00:02:43.000 I remember Leanne's a redneck, and when the Blue Collar Comedy Tour came out, we went and watched it in Hollywood at the Arclight. 0.69
00:02:52.000 Oh, wow. 0.99
00:02:52.000 And she was fucking... 0.99
00:02:53.000 Leanne likes two things. 1.00
00:02:56.000 That blue color comedy and fucking Steve Harvey. 1.00
00:03:00.000 If she's gonna cheat on me, she's gonna fuck Steve Harvey. 1.00
00:03:03.000 I can guarantee you. 1.00
00:03:04.000 She sends me clips of Steve Harvey.
00:03:06.000 Every morning there's a clip.
00:03:07.000 That's hilarious.
00:03:08.000 For the movie, when the movie's coming out, they asked us to do Family Feud.
00:03:13.000 Oh, wow.
00:03:15.000 And Leanne has never pushed our girls into anything, but she said, Isla Grace Christy, you're doing Family Feud. 1.00
00:03:20.000 I don't give a fuck what you say. 0.99
00:03:22.000 Does Steve Harvey know this, that your wife has a crush on you? 1.00
00:03:25.000 Oh, she has no idea.
00:03:26.000 Have you ever seen Steve Harvey eat, someone made like collard green dumplings or something, and he goes, takes a bite, and he freezes, and he goes...
00:03:37.000 Now I'm having a black people moment right now. 0.99
00:03:39.000 He's the fucking greatest. 1.00
00:03:41.000 Leanne's obsessed with them. 0.99
00:03:42.000 That's funny.
00:03:43.000 Isn't it funny that no one has done a movie tour like that since?
00:03:47.000 You know, they had Kings of Comedy, Blue Collar Tour, and then nothing.
00:03:52.000 Those were so successful.
00:03:54.000 The four people tour is the key.
00:03:57.000 I do Fully Loaded.
00:03:58.000 We bring eight for Fully Loaded per show.
00:04:02.000 We switch it up.
00:04:03.000 Have you heard of the lineup this year?
00:04:04.000 No.
00:04:05.000 Louis Black, Dave Attell, Chad Daniels, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Big Jay Oakerson, Dan Soder, Fortune Feimster, Tammy Pescatelli.
00:04:15.000 All on one show?
00:04:16.000 No, no.
00:04:17.000 Stavros is on it.
00:04:18.000 Oh, wow. 1.00
00:04:19.000 We got a fucking sick lineup. 1.00
00:04:22.000 Look at this. 1.00
00:04:24.000 Tiffany Haddish.
00:04:25.000 That's amazing.
00:04:26.000 Jim Norton.
00:04:27.000 That's amazing.
00:04:28.000 Jay Farrow.
00:04:29.000 Rosebud.
00:04:30.000 Ralph Barbosa.
00:04:31.000 That's amazing. 1.00
00:04:33.000 Yeah, this fucking lineup is. 1.00
00:04:34.000 I just found out about Ralph Barbosa. 0.99
00:04:36.000 He's a funny dude.
00:04:37.000 He's real funny.
00:04:38.000 I watched some of his clips, and then I found out that there was some sort of a thing with George Lopez. 0.97
00:04:44.000 And then so I had the little bitch in me started watching some... 1.00
00:04:47.000 I watched it all too! 1.00
00:04:48.000 ...some fucking beef with George Lopez and Ralph Barboza. 1.00
00:04:52.000 That shit makes me sad. 1.00
00:04:54.000 I don't like that stupid shit like that. 1.00
00:04:56.000 I don't like beef. 1.00
00:04:57.000 I don't like nonsense beef. 0.99
00:04:59.000 Like, that's the dumbest kind of beef. 0.99
00:05:01.000 Like, some young guy coming up beef. 1.00
00:05:03.000 Like, you don't like...
00:05:05.000 I think it's just a misunderstanding, and I think Lopez called him up and...
00:05:08.000 Oh, did he?
00:05:09.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:05:10.000 I guess they talked on the phone or something like that.
00:05:11.000 It's hilarious that I know about this silly comedy beef, but...
00:05:16.000 Dude, he's funny.
00:05:16.000 Anyway, Barbosa's funny, dude.
00:05:18.000 Got a funny laid-back style.
00:05:20.000 I think it's just generational.
00:05:21.000 You're talking about, like...
00:05:23.000 I think George Lopez is even older than Ralph's parents, probably.
00:05:27.000 And so it's just two different styles of what you would say Mexican comedy is.
00:05:31.000 I don't think that's what it is.
00:05:32.000 I think it's just that George didn't know who he was.
00:05:34.000 Oh, really?
00:05:35.000 Yeah, like Steve Trevino was on a show and George had brought him up.
00:05:38.000 George brought Barbosa up. 0.99
00:05:39.000 And he's like, who the fuck is that guy? 1.00
00:05:40.000 You keep bringing him up. 0.99
00:05:41.000 Nobody knows who that dude is.
00:05:42.000 Oh, really?
00:05:43.000 I just saw Schultz. 1.00
00:05:46.000 Saying someone went up to Barbosa and he was like, fuck George Lopez. 0.99
00:05:49.000 Yeah, I think that's what it was. 0.99
00:05:51.000 I think it came from him saying something on a podcast.
00:05:53.000 But I think he was just annoyed with Trevino bringing the dude's name up over and over again for whatever reason.
00:06:00.000 I don't know. 0.99
00:06:00.000 He's funny as shit. 0.99
00:06:01.000 Yeah, he's funny as shit. 1.00
00:06:02.000 He's funny as fucking shit. 1.00
00:06:07.000 Bothers me more than like and I don't think that's what he was doing I think it was just like who is that guy like I don't know what that guy is I don't think it was like I I don't like that guy I think he just genuinely didn't know who he was But I think nothing bothers me more than like those old dudes that don't like the young guys coming up They don't like the fact that young guys are coming up because I remember being in that young guy position I'm like ah you old cunt Like, 1.00
00:06:31.000 you fucking dummy. 0.99
00:06:32.000 Like, I'm never gonna be like you one day. 1.00
00:06:33.000 One day, like, if I get to your position, I'm gonna be very welcoming for the young people. 1.00
00:06:38.000 It's so stupid. 1.00
00:06:39.000 But it's like a closed door once you go through it. 1.00
00:06:43.000 That's it.
00:06:43.000 Nobody else in.
00:06:45.000 No more funny.
00:06:46.000 No more comedians.
00:06:48.000 No one else is famous.
00:06:49.000 Just me.
00:06:51.000 Forever and ever and ever.
00:06:52.000 It was like that.
00:06:53.000 It was like that back then, too. 0.99
00:06:55.000 Stingy cunts. 0.98
00:06:56.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:06:57.000 Got that fucking weird... 0.98
00:06:59.000 Thing that people have, or they just want to be the only one that gets the attention. 0.99
00:07:03.000 It's so strange, man.
00:07:04.000 It's so strange. 0.98
00:07:05.000 The fucking fierce jealousy that some people have when other people start to make it. 0.98
00:07:10.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:07:11.000 It's so dumb. 0.99
00:07:12.000 You didn't have that. 0.99
00:07:13.000 I think you blessed us with not having it.
00:07:17.000 If you look at Mark Norman and Shane Gillis, I take them when I do Red Rocks or I do big, big venues.
00:07:22.000 I'll hit them up to see if they want to do it with me.
00:07:24.000 Trust me.
00:07:26.000 Trust me when I say we did the Super Bowl.
00:07:29.000 We did four shows at the Mullet Arena.
00:07:31.000 Four shows.
00:07:32.000 That's how big those guys are getting.
00:07:34.000 I love that you went to the Mullet Arena.
00:07:35.000 Yeah.
00:07:36.000 How did you not bring Theo with you?
00:07:39.000 You know, he was in town that week.
00:07:40.000 I hit him up.
00:07:41.000 I hit him up and he was like, I think I lose my powers when I walk in there.
00:07:47.000 That sounds like something he would say.
00:07:49.000 Oh, he wants to move out here.
00:07:51.000 Does he? 1.00
00:07:52.000 He's like a fucking vagabond. 1.00
00:07:54.000 But he's gotta have a tribe. 1.00
00:07:57.000 You know, a lot of these guys, they didn't understand what was anchoring them in L.A. And one of the things that was anchoring them in L.A. was that we had a tribe.
00:08:05.000 We would all get together at the store.
00:08:07.000 We'd all hang out in that back bar.
00:08:08.000 We'd all have fun together. 0.99
00:08:09.000 We'd all laugh and joke and fuck around. 1.00
00:08:12.000 Then we'd see each other's sets, and we'd talk to each other about comedy and shit. 0.99
00:08:16.000 You know, Theo's out alone now in Nashville. 0.95
00:08:19.000 What's he doing in Nashville? 0.82
00:08:20.000 He just decided he had to get the fuck out of LA for his mental health, and so he wanted to be a more laid-back place, and Nashville clicked with him. 0.96
00:08:28.000 He is all over my algorithm. 0.98
00:08:31.000 Is he? 0.95
00:08:31.000 He shows up, and it's gay dudes, boat crashes, and Theo. 0.95
00:08:38.000 With me, it's girls with giant asses doing squats. 1.00
00:08:41.000 It's all like CrossFit ladies with six packs. 0.99
00:08:45.000 Those girls will inspire me to work out. 1.00
00:08:48.000 There's something about a fucking jack chick with big thighs. 1.00
00:08:51.000 Yeah, that's what I like. 1.00
00:08:52.000 My God.
00:08:53.000 I like a gal who can help you move a couch. 1.00
00:08:55.000 That's what I like.
00:08:56.000 I like I'm sturdy.
00:08:58.000 My wife does not like it when I say that, by the way. 1.00
00:09:00.000 Oh, for real?
00:09:01.000 Just like when I call her sturdy.
00:09:03.000 But she's strong.
00:09:05.000 She's strong.
00:09:06.000 I like strong women. 1.00
00:09:08.000 I like it.
00:09:09.000 I don't like, you know, I just don't think that, like the weak, like wafy sort of, like some people are into that weak sort of wafy looking thing.
00:09:21.000 Like that doesn't make any sense to me.
00:09:22.000 No.
00:09:23.000 I like an older woman too now.
00:09:26.000 Yeah, imagine dating a girl who's 20 now.
00:09:29.000 Like, what?
00:09:30.000 What are you talking about?
00:09:31.000 Like, when I see Leonardo DiCaprio going out to a 19-year-old, I'm like, bro, what do you talk about?
00:09:37.000 Yeah, what?
00:09:38.000 I mean...
00:09:38.000 What do you talk about?
00:09:40.000 Unless she's the most genius, brilliant, world-traveled, nuanced...
00:09:46.000 Dude, my assistant's 25, and I'll say things to him, and he'll go, I have no idea what you're talking about.
00:09:51.000 You can reference a movie, like Ace Ventura, and he's like, ah, yeah, what is that?
00:09:55.000 Jim Carrey?
00:09:56.000 I don't know who that is.
00:09:57.000 Well, Jim Norton was on stage last night and he had a Three Stooges reference and no one laughed.
00:10:01.000 I'm like, Jim, you're 55. Like, these people do not know who the fuck Three Stooges is. 0.99
00:10:08.000 Why don't you just say Laurel and Hardy? 0.97
00:10:10.000 Go even deeper into the old school comedy people.
00:10:14.000 Yeah, I couldn't live that life where you couldn't make references to the things you grew up on.
00:10:19.000 Well, you can. 0.97
00:10:20.000 You know, it's like Dennis Miller always used to have references that nobody knew what the fuck he was saying. 0.99
00:10:25.000 You had to catch up. 0.98
00:10:26.000 Yeah, but we...
00:10:28.000 It seems like the gap of experience and what we know has gotten so closer where it wasn't that way.
00:10:37.000 I feel like my dad and I still knew all the same references, whereas my daughter and I do not.
00:10:42.000 They don't know anything that I've ever lived or experienced.
00:10:45.000 And then they'll say things to me like, have you ever heard of the band Tool? 0.97
00:10:49.000 And I'm like, are you being fucking serious? 0.90
00:10:51.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:10:51.000 Are you being serious? 0.98
00:10:52.000 I buy the guys fucking wine. 1.00
00:10:54.000 You kidding me? 0.99
00:10:55.000 And then, like, the other day, Ayla said to me, uh, uh, you ever heard of Alice in Chains?
00:11:03.000 And I'm like, yeah, that was like what I went to college to.
00:11:06.000 But I, but I knew Queen of Skidler was a revival.
00:11:09.000 I knew the Sha Na Na's. 1.00
00:11:11.000 I knew all the stuff my dad listened to.
00:11:12.000 I knew Sam Cooke.
00:11:14.000 I knew those songs. 0.99
00:11:15.000 My daughters have no fucking clue of any of that. 1.00
00:11:18.000 We also have to think about just the landscape of information that's available to them as opposed to what it was for you. 0.99
00:11:24.000 When you were growing up, the stuff that you got was off the radio or off television.
00:11:29.000 Like, that's it.
00:11:30.000 So you heard it, either you heard it at a place, or you listened to it on a radio, or you bought a CD. With these kids, they're getting inundated constantly.
00:11:40.000 And they're also getting songs that are like snippets off of reels on Instagram or those little TikTok videos.
00:11:47.000 So you're getting, what's that song?
00:11:49.000 And then you find the song and then you listen to it. 0.99
00:11:51.000 So just the landscape of shit that's available to them is so goddamn different. 0.99
00:11:58.000 How could they pay attention to all of it? 0.99
00:12:01.000 How could they look at the old stuff?
00:12:03.000 It's like, just the stuff that's available. 0.96
00:12:06.000 And by the way, for them, Shit from 2010 is old. 0.98
00:12:10.000 You know how crazy that is? 0.99
00:12:12.000 Yeah.
00:12:12.000 When I was in high school, okay?
00:12:14.000 What year were you in high school?
00:12:15.000 1981 was my freshman year in high school.
00:12:17.000 And my freshman year in high school, I remember there was a guy in my neighborhood...
00:12:23.000 That had a 1955 Chevy. 0.99
00:12:27.000 It was this fucking awesome car. 0.99
00:12:30.000 This awesome 55 black Chevy that was like in mint condition. 0.99
00:12:35.000 And I remember thinking, wow, that car is so fucking old. 0.92
00:12:40.000 Isn't that wild? 0.98
00:12:41.000 Yeah.
00:12:42.000 But that car was only 15 years old.
00:12:45.000 Wow.
00:12:46.000 That's what's crazy.
00:12:47.000 Yeah.
00:12:47.000 That's what's crazy.
00:12:48.000 If you think now about a 15-year-old car, I have a 15-year-old car.
00:12:53.000 I have a 2007 Porsche.
00:12:56.000 I love that car.
00:12:57.000 I drive it all the time. 0.99
00:12:58.000 But that car's old as fuck, man. 0.99
00:13:01.000 In that world, to kids, when I was in high school, a 55 Chevy was like this old classic. 0.99
00:13:10.000 Well, that's what my car is.
00:13:12.000 That's crazy.
00:13:13.000 The timelines are weird now. 0.97
00:13:15.000 Because now you look at, like, my favorite car is a 72 El Dorado, the convertible Cadillac, and that's fucking 50 years old.
00:13:22.000 By the way, I'm off by 10 years. 0.96
00:13:24.000 It's a 25-year-old car.
00:13:25.000 25, yeah.
00:13:26.000 Yeah, what I'm thinking about is that and my mom had a 1970 Barracuda. 0.61
00:13:31.000 This is where I'm fucking it up in my head.
00:13:33.000 My mom had a 1970 Barracuda when I was in high school and all my friends were in love with it. 0.93
00:13:37.000 They were like, oh my god.
00:13:39.000 They would see my mom's car.
00:13:40.000 It's your mom's car.
00:13:41.000 This is insane.
00:13:42.000 Because a 1971 Barracuda...
00:13:46.000 It had these grill, the front grill looked like a fish, almost like gills.
00:13:52.000 Look at that car!
00:13:53.000 My mom had one of those! 0.99
00:13:56.000 In 1981. So I was a freshman in high school and my mom had had it for quite a while.
00:14:02.000 But that car in 1981 was only 10 years old.
00:14:09.000 It was only 10 years old, so that's a 2013 car.
00:14:14.000 A 2013 car is indistinguishable from a 2023 car.
00:14:19.000 Like, if you see a 2013 Lexus, like, they're the same.
00:14:22.000 But that, to everybody... 1.00
00:14:24.000 Look at that fucking car. 1.00
00:14:25.000 Look at that fucking car. 1.00
00:14:27.000 Look at that fucking car. 1.00
00:14:29.000 What a car. 1.00
00:14:29.000 I tried to buy one of those, and... 1.00
00:14:31.000 Oh my god, you need one of those.
00:14:33.000 I want one so bad. 0.99
00:14:33.000 You should get one of those and get it done so it's got modern brakes and shit and modern engine. 0.99
00:14:38.000 That should be a project that you get behind. 0.86
00:14:41.000 A Burt Kreischer 1972 Cadillac convertible.
00:14:46.000 Let's go.
00:14:46.000 I was going to buy one and use it, because this is the way my brain works, use it to promote my special.
00:14:51.000 So if you just put razzle-dazzle all over the side of it, drive it around LA, that's the way my brain works.
00:14:57.000 So just think about the difference in timelines, like how different it is to look at a 1971 car and then look at that in 1981, and it was already a classic.
00:15:10.000 And this 2023 year we're living in, if you look at things from 2000, they don't seem that long ago.
00:15:19.000 Here's my question.
00:15:20.000 It's weird.
00:15:21.000 Technology from a 1961 car to a 1971 car, if I'm not mistaken, the 71 car starts having automatic windows and an automatic trunk that locks down.
00:15:34.000 The technology from those cars... 0.76
00:15:37.000 Is exponentially bigger, and you look at the car you have, your Porsche, compared to where they are today, how different is, I mean, I guess they're fucking electric now.
00:15:46.000 Well, yeah, but no, even the gas ones, the internal combustion engines, they have better electronics, they have better suspension management systems, they have better traction control.
00:15:58.000 They do a lot of different things now.
00:16:00.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:16:01.000 And also, they have, like, warnings to let you know when cars are close and shit. 0.99
00:16:05.000 Cars are pretty fucking incredible now. 0.98
00:16:08.000 They're almost too incredible because they're so fast. 0.99
00:16:10.000 Like a regular car, like my mom's car from 1970, that was slow as fuck, dude. 0.99
00:16:16.000 Really? 1.00
00:16:16.000 Slow as fuck. 1.00
00:16:17.000 In comparison to a modern car, like if you get a regular modern-day Honda Accord, it would bury my mom's car. 0.99
00:16:25.000 Really? 1.00
00:16:26.000 Yeah, a little four-cylinder piece of shit. 1.00
00:16:28.000 It would bury it. 1.00
00:16:30.000 Yeah, those cars are not fast.
00:16:32.000 They were fast for the time.
00:16:35.000 Thank you.
00:16:35.000 And then as time goes on, and now you're living in this weird world where you have the brand new Hummer, which is an electric Hummer, which is this giant SUV that GMC makes that goes zero to 60 in like three seconds.
00:16:49.000 That kind of performance was unheard of in cars.
00:16:53.000 But how come that doesn't translate over to F1 and NASCAR? Will there be a NASCAR electric series at one point?
00:17:02.000 It would be wild if it was, but they would lose all that sound.
00:17:05.000 I think that's part of the thing that people like.
00:17:07.000 Wow!
00:17:08.000 Wow!
00:17:09.000 Can you imagine going to it?
00:17:09.000 Tom and I went to the Daytona 500, and can you imagine it being silent?
00:17:14.000 All you would hear is the chatter of the fans. 0.98
00:17:18.000 That would be so fucking creepy. 1.00
00:17:21.000 Dumb conversations. 1.00
00:17:22.000 It's like, have you ever seen How I Met Your Mother without the laugh track on? 0.99
00:17:25.000 No, but I have seen Big Bang Theory.
00:17:27.000 That's the one I meant.
00:17:28.000 It's rough.
00:17:29.000 It's rough.
00:17:31.000 People would get bummed out.
00:17:32.000 I think NASCAR is like, it's an American tradition that's based on moonshine runners.
00:17:38.000 Yeah.
00:17:38.000 So it's like fun.
00:17:39.000 Like, you go to NASCAR, you want to hear the...
00:17:43.000 Like, if it was electric, it would seem like it's over.
00:17:47.000 Are the F1 cars loud? 0.99
00:17:50.000 Yeah, they're loud as fuck. 1.00
00:17:51.000 Yeah, they're loud as fuck. 1.00
00:17:53.000 I mean, but comparatively speaking, because my sister has a, what's the Tesla on? 0.99
00:17:59.000 Tesla.
00:18:00.000 Tesla.
00:18:01.000 Yeah.
00:18:01.000 And those things, I mean, that's like scary fast.
00:18:04.000 Yeah, ridiculously fast.
00:18:05.000 Yeah.
00:18:06.000 It's not even comparative to any of the cars that I've ever driven in.
00:18:09.000 And I've driven in a lot of fast.
00:18:10.000 I've driven Lamborghinis and Ferraris and the Gullwing.
00:18:14.000 Yeah.
00:18:15.000 No, it's the fastest car I own.
00:18:17.000 Yeah.
00:18:17.000 I own a Tesla, the Plaid one.
00:18:19.000 It's the fastest car I own.
00:18:21.000 I own a lot of fast cars, like Porsches and sports cars and old muscle cars.
00:18:26.000 The Tesla buries them all.
00:18:28.000 God.
00:18:29.000 Yeah, and they're getting faster.
00:18:30.000 That's what's crazy.
00:18:32.000 Right now, they go zero to 60 in two seconds, but the new ones are gonna be even faster than that.
00:18:37.000 The little Speedster thing they have, what do they call it?
00:18:41.000 What do they call the little one? 0.98
00:18:43.000 Roadster?
00:18:43.000 The little Roadster thing is like, I believe it's 1.9 seconds, zero to 60, which is so crazy.
00:18:50.000 That's so fast.
00:18:51.000 I told my dad not even to drive it.
00:18:52.000 He was in LA last week, and he goes, I need a car.
00:18:55.000 I go, don't get in Cotty's car. 1.00
00:18:56.000 You're gonna fucking kill yourself. 1.00
00:18:57.000 Yeah, but the thing is, you can drive slow in it. 1.00
00:19:00.000 It's very easy to drive calm.
00:19:03.000 Whereas, like, if you're in a really fast muscle car, like, those are kind of hard to drive slow.
00:19:09.000 Because they have, like, I don't know what it is, but there's less sensitivity in the acceleration.
00:19:16.000 Those cars are very easy to go light with.
00:19:18.000 I've never driven an electric car.
00:19:21.000 Oh, they're so nice.
00:19:22.000 I know, I know, I know.
00:19:23.000 Unless I get that Porsche that's electric, I don't have any.
00:19:25.000 Yeah.
00:19:26.000 No, a good friend of mine has one of those. 1.00
00:19:28.000 That's the shit. 1.00
00:19:28.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:19:29.000 That thing is the shit. 1.00
00:19:30.000 It's amazing. 1.00
00:19:31.000 Yeah.
00:19:31.000 Porsche is amazing.
00:19:32.000 I want my car to feel like a big cock. 0.99
00:19:36.000 Wow. 0.99
00:19:36.000 Just like I want people to see it and go, oh, that's nice. 0.99
00:19:40.000 Big, fat, veiny cock. 1.00
00:19:41.000 No, I don't even need to be veiny. 1.00
00:19:43.000 Just bigger than average. 0.99
00:19:44.000 Shiny cock. 1.00
00:19:45.000 Shiny cock. 1.00
00:19:46.000 Yeah, polished, well-cared-for cock. 1.00
00:19:49.000 Right? 1.00
00:19:49.000 Waxed. 1.00
00:19:50.000 Nice wheels.
00:19:51.000 Shiny wheels.
00:19:52.000 Nice and thick when it's soft.
00:19:53.000 Yeah.
00:19:54.000 Thick and soft.
00:19:55.000 Chocolate interior.
00:19:56.000 Yeah.
00:19:57.000 Some kind of...
00:19:57.000 Ooh, chocolate.
00:19:58.000 That's a bold move, right?
00:20:00.000 Chocolate interior.
00:20:00.000 That's my car I have.
00:20:02.000 I don't know the type it is, but it's a Mercedes.
00:20:04.000 I got it because of the interior. 1.00
00:20:05.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:20:06.000 You're sitting there. 1.00
00:20:07.000 I can smoke a cigar in there.
00:20:08.000 That's what I saw the other day.
00:20:09.000 I was at the car dealership and they had an electric Mercedes.
00:20:14.000 I haven't seen the electric Mercedes up close.
00:20:17.000 They're doing like an S series.
00:20:20.000 It's just like a, yeah.
00:20:21.000 By the way, money might be fake now.
00:20:24.000 Money might be falling apart, right?
00:20:25.000 How many banks have collapsed now?
00:20:28.000 Wait, what's happening today?
00:20:29.000 I don't know.
00:20:30.000 I was trying to follow up.
00:20:31.000 How many banks have collapsed?
00:20:32.000 It's at least two, correct?
00:20:34.000 It was at least two.
00:20:34.000 It might have been three.
00:20:35.000 And I don't know what happened today with the...
00:20:37.000 I was on a plane with a guy who was talking about this yesterday.
00:20:40.000 Yeah.
00:20:41.000 So the Silicon Valley one collapsed, right?
00:20:44.000 Yeah.
00:20:45.000 And so a bunch of Silicon Valley...
00:20:46.000 Yeah.
00:20:46.000 This is like 2008 all over again.
00:20:48.000 I don't know. 0.72
00:20:50.000 See, this is part of the problem of being financially ignorant, which is I am.
00:20:54.000 I don't know.
00:20:55.000 And also being friends with Alex Jones, which I am.
00:20:58.000 I get all these videos about the perfect storm.
00:21:04.000 Prepare yourself to the end of the world.
00:21:06.000 I'm like, oh no, Alex, why are you freaking me out?
00:21:10.000 I was on a plane yesterday and said that today's a big day.
00:21:16.000 That it's coming down. 0.98
00:21:18.000 Everyone's going to fucking doubt it. 1.00
00:21:19.000 The fucking thing collapses if we get bailed out. 1.00
00:21:22.000 Well, apparently there was a big run on the banks today, too. 1.00
00:21:25.000 And people were showing up at the banks trying to withdraw money, which scares the fuck out of people when that kind of stuff happens. 0.99
00:21:32.000 That's how Hitler became fucking Prime Minister or whatever dictator. 0.99
00:21:38.000 I've been watching this thing, How to Make a Dictator on Netflix. 0.99
00:21:41.000 Have you seen it? 0.98
00:21:43.000 It's fucking awesome. 0.94
00:21:45.000 I'm so obsessed with history podcasts and history dictators and whatnot. 0.55
00:21:49.000 Do you know who Turkmenbashi is?
00:21:51.000 No. 0.99
00:21:52.000 Joe, this is the most fascinating fucking guy in history, right? 0.98
00:21:56.000 So Turkmenistan, I think is the name of the country, was part of the USSR, and when the USSR collapsed, He got it. 0.98
00:22:02.000 This guy who was just a premier and worked, he got the whole country. 0.98
00:22:06.000 And he went around and changed rules like fucking crazy. 0.96
00:22:10.000 He was a dictator, but he added months so that he didn't get old faster. 0.99
00:22:19.000 I mean, he changed the names of the months. 1.00
00:22:22.000 I mean, he was a fucking lunatic. 1.00
00:22:24.000 He said, you know what? 1.00
00:22:25.000 He goes, you know what?
00:22:26.000 Here's the problem.
00:22:28.000 Old people are losing their teeth because they're not going to eat enough bones. 1.00
00:22:31.000 And they're like, bones?
00:22:32.000 He goes, you ever see a dog with missing teeth?
00:22:34.000 No, because they eat bones.
00:22:35.000 So everyone needs to start eating bones. 0.97
00:22:36.000 Does that guy make sense?
00:22:38.000 Turkmenbashi.
00:22:38.000 I have this podcast that I listen to.
00:22:41.000 It's called The Dictators.
00:22:42.000 And it is one of the most...
00:22:44.000 That one podcast is the most fascinating...
00:22:48.000 But I'm obsessed, man.
00:22:49.000 I listen to Hitler, Stalin. 0.91
00:22:51.000 Somebody was talking about the How to Make a Dictator documentary on Netflix the other day.
00:22:56.000 I think it was on the podcast.
00:22:58.000 It might have just been a conversation I was having.
00:22:59.000 Was it on the podcast?
00:23:01.000 Who was it?
00:23:01.000 Do you remember?
00:23:02.000 But they were saying, you're literally putting up a guidebook on how to become a dictator.
00:23:09.000 People could watch it and figure out how it's done and then replicate it.
00:23:13.000 It's identical, by the way, to How to Get Famous. 0.97
00:23:16.000 I mean, it's the fucking exact same thing. 0.99
00:23:18.000 You'd be shocked. 0.99
00:23:19.000 Wow.
00:23:20.000 Yeah.
00:23:20.000 I wouldn't be shocked, though.
00:23:22.000 Right?
00:23:22.000 Because a lot of famous people become like dictators.
00:23:25.000 It was DeStefano, that's what I thought.
00:23:26.000 Yeah, DeStefano.
00:23:27.000 Oh, that's right.
00:23:27.000 Oh, he's a history guy.
00:23:29.000 Oh, he's a real history nut.
00:23:30.000 Like, he's a history guy.
00:23:31.000 We used to do history hyenas with Giannis.
00:23:33.000 Yeah, that was fun.
00:23:34.000 Yeah.
00:23:35.000 Yeah, history is fascinating when you think that it'll never repeat itself again.
00:23:40.000 You know, like, oh, that'll never happen again.
00:23:42.000 Like, I used to think that about war.
00:23:44.000 Oh, we're done with that.
00:23:45.000 You know, and now look.
00:23:47.000 Dude. 0.99
00:23:48.000 And the bank thing is fucking... 0.98
00:23:50.000 So what is exactly happening? 0.99
00:23:52.000 Is this something we need to be concerned about?
00:23:54.000 I watched the news yesterday to find out, and the news said, no, do not worry.
00:23:58.000 Oh, well, then I'm worried. 0.91
00:24:00.000 Now I'm fucking worried, because they've been wrong about everything. 1.00
00:24:02.000 These cunts. 1.00
00:24:03.000 My uncle called me in 2008 when the housing crisis collapsed and he was fucking terrified. 1.00
00:24:11.000 My uncle's one of the smartest dudes I know. 0.81
00:24:13.000 And he was like, this is gonna be real bad.
00:24:16.000 There was a house that I used to live in and the next door to me, there was a lot that this guy had bought and he was planning forever to build his dream house.
00:24:28.000 It was a nice lot and had a good view, it was beautiful.
00:24:31.000 And so I would go out there and like, it was like 2009, I would go out there and there's this old guy and he would just be raking.
00:24:40.000 And I would see him, I'd wave to him, and then one day I just said, let me just go talk to that dude, see what's going on.
00:24:47.000 Because it was, you know, are you going to build?
00:24:49.000 Like, what's happening?
00:24:49.000 And he goes, I was going to, but I lost everything.
00:24:53.000 Because that 2008 thing, I lost everything.
00:24:57.000 I had plans, I had a house. 0.71
00:24:59.000 And so I'm just sitting there with this dude who's probably at the time 70 75 It was the last years of his life and he's just raking This plot of land that was going to be the place for his dream house before the 2008 collapse He just realized like man the real victims of all that financial malarkey The real victims of all that fucking corruption and deregulation and all the
00:25:29.000 chaos that led to so many people losing their houses and so many people losing all their money. 0.98
00:25:35.000 This fucking guy just raking his thing made me so sad. 0.99
00:25:40.000 Tim Dillon did that to him. 1.00
00:25:42.000 Tim Dillon.
00:25:42.000 Tim Dillon did it to so many people.
00:25:44.000 He's like, ah, what was I gonna do?
00:25:46.000 If it wasn't me, it would be somebody else!
00:25:49.000 They were gonna blow it on pills and women anyway. 1.00
00:25:54.000 He's the best to get a call from and go, I love, man.
00:25:57.000 If there's nothing other more than good comedy gossip, and the best is Tim going, hey, can I talk to you about that, that, that? 0.98
00:26:03.000 I'm like, oh, my dick gets hard. 0.98
00:26:05.000 Let's break out the tea. 1.00
00:26:08.000 He came last night to watch.
00:26:09.000 Yeah, he was there last night. 0.99
00:26:11.000 He's the fucking best, man. 0.99
00:26:12.000 It was fun last night with all the hanging, too. 0.99
00:26:15.000 There's so many people hanging out. 0.99
00:26:16.000 Oh, dinner was a fucking blast. 0.99
00:26:18.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99
00:26:18.000 It was very fun. 0.99
00:26:19.000 I mean, I don't think I've ever heard the N-word said that much at a steak restaurant.
00:26:23.000 Between Sam and Freddie Gibbs?
00:26:24.000 Yeah.
00:26:25.000 Oh, yeah. 0.52
00:26:26.000 By the way, it was black people saying it. 0.89
00:26:28.000 We should be really clear.
00:26:29.000 People are like, wow, you went to dinner with Tim.
00:26:30.000 We should be really clear. 0.98
00:26:32.000 Freddie is fucking hilarious. 0.99
00:26:34.000 Freddie is very fucking funny. 0.99
00:26:36.000 So is Sam. 0.98
00:26:37.000 She was funny last night, too.
00:26:39.000 We were leaving our hotel, and I was with my two people, and some girls were dressed up.
00:26:45.000 The hotel we stay at, no one ever stays at.
00:26:47.000 And I said, yeah, ladies, you look fantastic today. 1.00
00:26:50.000 And they said, oh, thanks.
00:26:50.000 I said, what are you guys in town for?
00:26:52.000 Because usually it's a convention.
00:26:53.000 And they're like, south by. 1.00
00:26:54.000 And I went, oh, shit. 0.99
00:26:55.000 I said, oh, what's the show tonight? 1.00
00:26:57.000 And they go, Freddie Gibbs.
00:26:58.000 He does stand-up comedy.
00:27:00.000 And I was like, cool.
00:27:02.000 Freddie calls it cocaine comedy.
00:27:05.000 That's the name of his show.
00:27:07.000 And they're like, what show are you seeing?
00:27:08.000 And I said, I'm going to the Comedy Mothership.
00:27:10.000 They go, what's that?
00:27:11.000 And I go, it's a comedy club.
00:27:12.000 And they go, who's there?
00:27:13.000 I was like, nobody.
00:27:14.000 And so I got in the car and then they're like, who's Freddie Gibbs?
00:27:16.000 I go, nobody.
00:27:19.000 I'll tell you later.
00:27:20.000 And then we show up to dinner and Freddie Gibbs is there.
00:27:24.000 Victoria goes, this is the Freddie Gibbs guy. 0.98
00:27:26.000 And I was like, just shut up. 0.98
00:27:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98
00:27:28.000 That's hilarious.
00:27:28.000 You just don't want to explain things.
00:27:30.000 You're like, nobody.
00:27:31.000 I just don't want to talk.
00:27:32.000 I get in this point where people go, like, Leanne will do it. 0.99
00:27:36.000 Like, wait, tell me what's going on with this.
00:27:38.000 I go, no, it's just too much.
00:27:39.000 I just don't want to lose. 0.99
00:27:40.000 I'm going to be winded fucking telling you the story. 0.99
00:27:42.000 Yeah, I get it. 0.99
00:27:45.000 You just don't want to catch people up.
00:27:47.000 Catching people up on things is annoying. 1.00
00:27:48.000 On stupid shit, too. 1.00
00:27:50.000 Like the Ralph Barboza. 1.00
00:27:51.000 Yeah, that was fun.
00:27:55.000 Catching people up on things like, what am I doing?
00:27:58.000 That was funny.
00:27:59.000 That's exactly what happened when we booked Ralph.
00:28:01.000 I got excited.
00:28:01.000 I go, oh, we got Ralph.
00:28:02.000 Fun to watch him work, you know?
00:28:04.000 And the thing about those young guys is they get to see me work, and they get to tell me what I'm doing wrong.
00:28:09.000 Like, tell me when you start looking like an old man on stage. 1.00
00:28:13.000 And Leanne's like, who's Ralph Barboza?
00:28:16.000 And I said, don't worry about it.
00:28:17.000 How many people do you have per show?
00:28:20.000 On that?
00:28:21.000 Yeah.
00:28:22.000 Probably eight.
00:28:23.000 Wow.
00:28:24.000 Eight.
00:28:24.000 How much time do they do?
00:28:26.000 Everyone does 15. I told everyone just to murder. 0.98
00:28:29.000 Just murder. 0.55
00:28:30.000 So you have eight people plus you?
00:28:32.000 Plus me.
00:28:34.000 Jesus. 0.99
00:28:35.000 Yeah, I have to fucking close it. 0.98
00:28:36.000 So it's two hours before you even get on stage? 0.97
00:28:38.000 We have intermission. 0.98
00:28:40.000 That's a long ass show.
00:28:41.000 Have you seen the places we're performing this year? 0.90
00:28:43.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:28:43.000 We're ending at the fucking gorge. 0.99
00:28:45.000 I told you. 1.00
00:28:45.000 What's the gorge? 1.00
00:28:47.000 Oh my god.
00:28:48.000 I forget.
00:28:48.000 Oh, that's that underground cavernous?
00:28:50.000 No, no, no, no.
00:28:51.000 It's an outdoor in Washington stage and it overlooks a huge gorge.
00:28:57.000 It's gorgeous. 0.99
00:28:58.000 It's fucking beautiful. 0.98
00:29:00.000 Look at that. 1.00
00:29:00.000 Oh, wow. 1.00
00:29:01.000 Yeah, that's where we're closing Fully Loaded this year.
00:29:03.000 That looks like where someone would give a speech to start a new civilization post-apocalypse.
00:29:10.000 It does.
00:29:11.000 Doesn't it?
00:29:11.000 Yeah.
00:29:12.000 That's like, we can rise together from the ashes of mankind and build our own utopia.
00:29:23.000 Okay, come out to the gorge and you can give that speech, Joe.
00:29:28.000 How many people is that seat?
00:29:29.000 A lot.
00:29:30.000 That looks like 100,000 people.
00:29:33.000 I think it's 76. Jesus Christ, dude.
00:29:36.000 That's a big-ass show.
00:29:38.000 I think it is.
00:29:38.000 But we're just going to do the infield, I'm sure.
00:29:41.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
00:29:42.000 Fill that bitch. 1.00
00:29:43.000 Let's go. 1.00
00:29:43.000 I told you. 1.00
00:29:44.000 I texted you and Tom.
00:29:44.000 I have a private jet waiting for you.
00:29:46.000 Let's fucking go. 1.00
00:29:46.000 Fly out. 1.00
00:29:47.000 Fly you back. 1.00
00:29:48.000 Let's fucking go. 1.00
00:29:49.000 The hang is the best part. 1.00
00:29:50.000 Getting on the bus and partying with everyone.
00:29:54.000 Big J is...
00:29:55.000 The last time we went, Big J had us laughing so hard.
00:29:58.000 So we have a party bus, and then we all have our own buses that we sleep in.
00:30:02.000 So we all get on the road.
00:30:03.000 We all sleep in individual buses?
00:30:05.000 Yeah, we have a girl's bus and a boy's bus, and then we have a party bus.
00:30:10.000 So we all get in the party bus, start driving, we caravan, and then when we all are pretty fucked up, we call ahead, they pull all the buses aside, we all get in our buses and go to bed.
00:30:19.000 And Big J, I couldn't even tell you why we were laughing so hard on the bus. 0.68
00:30:23.000 We were laughing so hard we had to pull over.
00:30:27.000 And get in our buses.
00:30:28.000 We're like, we're done.
00:30:29.000 We're done.
00:30:29.000 And Big Jay, right before we're about to go to bed, he goes, one more thing.
00:30:32.000 I go, what?
00:30:33.000 And he goes, have you seen Jurassic Park?
00:30:36.000 And I'm like, Jay, don't start.
00:30:37.000 He goes, have we just conceded that there's dinosaurs now?
00:30:42.000 And I'm crying again. 0.99
00:30:44.000 It's the funnest fucking hang. 0.99
00:30:46.000 Dude, should come. 0.99
00:30:49.000 Yeah.
00:30:50.000 Sounds like a good time.
00:30:51.000 I hope you enjoy yourself.
00:30:53.000 Sounds like a lot of travel.
00:30:54.000 It's a lot of travel.
00:30:55.000 Yeah, you're a lot of away from everybody and you're on buses all the time.
00:30:59.000 Yeah, that's awesome.
00:31:00.000 Yeah, you do that tour thing where you go out for long stretches of time.
00:31:04.000 I don't do that.
00:31:05.000 Yeah.
00:31:05.000 I don't like it.
00:31:06.000 How come?
00:31:07.000 I don't like being away from my family.
00:31:09.000 I don't like being away from home.
00:31:12.000 I have obligations.
00:31:14.000 I like to keep like a steady schedule.
00:31:16.000 It keeps my mental health in line.
00:31:18.000 Yeah.
00:31:19.000 There's the thing about traveling you get disjointed and disconnected and uprooted It's something good about that because it allows you to reset and just think about things and out of the pattern of your life But also sometimes the pattern of your life is how you create like a balance if you have a good pattern I have zero balance.
00:31:38.000 Yeah, I have zero balance So you like the chaos of the road.
00:31:42.000 I like chaos.
00:31:42.000 I like the...
00:31:43.000 I love...
00:31:44.000 I mean, first of all, it starts with I love stand-up.
00:31:46.000 I love doing stand-up.
00:31:48.000 I love it more than anything.
00:31:49.000 Last night was the funnest night of my life because it was all new material.
00:31:52.000 And I was like, I really have...
00:31:54.000 I have a new hour.
00:31:55.000 Now I just got...
00:31:56.000 I have the ingredients.
00:31:57.000 I got to figure out how to put it together.
00:31:59.000 I need a couple of tense pole stories. 0.97
00:32:01.000 But for me, I'm always working to a special.
00:32:05.000 So when I started this tour, this special that's airing right now, this material started in January 2020. And then I did the Drive-In Movie Theater tour.
00:32:16.000 I mean, I couldn't sit at home during the pandemic.
00:32:18.000 I was like, I gotta come up with something.
00:32:20.000 And so I started doing this material in this Drive-In Movie Theater.
00:32:23.000 Didn't you get that idea from Eliza Schlesinger?
00:32:25.000 She was the originator.
00:32:29.000 Eliza, the best about that clip is that you go...
00:32:32.000 He was doing it in June, and she goes, wow, that's really early.
00:32:36.000 That's not safe.
00:32:37.000 That's not safe.
00:32:39.000 Pass me that whiskey, please.
00:32:41.000 Yeah, she... 1.00
00:32:42.000 How funny is that?
00:32:43.000 She invited me to her 40th birthday.
00:32:45.000 I think she had a rave, and I was like...
00:32:47.000 Whoa, she's raving. 1.00
00:32:48.000 I think she had a rave.
00:32:49.000 I don't know.
00:32:51.000 The...
00:32:53.000 And then once I get material going, I'm like, let's get on the road. 1.00
00:32:56.000 Let's fucking get this shit good. 0.99
00:32:58.000 And then once I get ready for a special, once I know I have a date on a special, I mean, I'm so obsessive-compulsive. 1.00
00:33:04.000 I think people look at me and they think I'm a moron because I take my shirt off and I drink a lot. 0.90
00:33:08.000 But I'm so fucking over-obsessive-compulsive about stand-up that as soon as I knew I had the shoot date, I mean, I pick out my date based on when I set my tour. 0.96
00:33:23.000 So I want it to be a place I've never performed, that material. 0.83
00:33:26.000 I want it to be a place I can move at least 12,000 tickets.
00:33:29.000 So I want to do a bunch of shows.
00:33:32.000 And I, I mean, two months out, I'm on that bus, I'm doing stand-up every single night.
00:33:36.000 Every single night, as many times as I can get on stage, and I'm moving the material around.
00:33:40.000 I want it to be perfect. 0.99
00:33:42.000 I could never do what Chris Rock did with the live shit. 1.00
00:33:44.000 I would be fucking dead in the water. 0.99
00:33:45.000 The live one's an interesting choice, because Louis did a similar thing.
00:33:49.000 Louis did it live on his website, and then he's gonna release a full edited version of the set.
00:33:56.000 And then I guess that's exactly what Chris is doing.
00:33:58.000 He released it in the full edit. 0.99
00:34:00.000 The shit about Will Smith was ruthless. 0.99
00:34:04.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:34:06.000 Ruthless.
00:34:07.000 It's just like, imagine...
00:34:09.000 You know, in life you play chess.
00:34:12.000 You move pieces around.
00:34:13.000 You say, I'd do this, and the counter would be that.
00:34:17.000 Imagine the thought, like, I'm just gonna slap Chris Rock...
00:34:23.000 One of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time.
00:34:24.000 It's not like he's gonna tear my very vulnerable life apart after I smack him with some of the best comedy that anybody's ever written.
00:34:34.000 And he's gonna hone it over a year before he releases it.
00:34:39.000 Yeah.
00:34:39.000 Like, what a terrible, unprovoked attack.
00:34:45.000 What a dumb thing to do. 0.99
00:34:47.000 To, like, be that person who's, like, publicly loved You know, like Will Smith was until that moment. 0.99
00:34:56.000 I mean, until that moment, nobody really had a bad thing to say about maybe he didn't like one movie or maybe he thought the superhero movie was dumb.
00:35:04.000 But everybody loved that guy.
00:35:05.000 I loved the superhero movie.
00:35:06.000 Everybody loved that guy.
00:35:06.000 I loved Will.
00:35:07.000 I love Will.
00:35:07.000 I still love Will.
00:35:08.000 But those two keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth. 1.00
00:35:13.000 Those two are what sunk him. 1.00
00:35:15.000 If he just slapped Chris Rock and then sat down and didn't say anything...
00:35:19.000 People would think it was a joke?
00:35:21.000 They wouldn't know what to do.
00:35:22.000 Yeah.
00:35:23.000 It would kind of drift off and people would forget about it.
00:35:26.000 And they would say to Chris, was that on purpose?
00:35:28.000 Did you guys plan that?
00:35:30.000 Then he would have skated.
00:35:33.000 I'm not happy that it happened, but I'm happy the way it happened because when I was trying to explain to someone who's not involved in show business how bizarre the industry is and how untethered those people are to either morals or ethics or Just the reality of human nature.
00:35:58.000 They are completely connected to the zeitgeist in terms of what's popular and what's trendy and what's accepted by our group and what's rejected by our group that no one has, I mean,
00:36:14.000 not no one, but in general, the mindset of the people in Hollywood, there's very little independent thought.
00:36:22.000 It's all groupthink. 0.98
00:36:23.000 So when Will Smith, after smacking Chris Rock and all that other craziness, goes on stage and wins the Academy Award and gets a fucking standing ovation. 0.98
00:36:36.000 I was like, that's those people. 0.98
00:36:38.000 They don't know what to do.
00:36:41.000 They don't have the ability to say, hey, that's not right.
00:36:46.000 I don't care if you're famous.
00:36:48.000 I don't care if you just won the Oscar.
00:36:50.000 You can't assault people. 1.00
00:36:51.000 What you did is ridiculous. 1.00
00:36:52.000 The way you're behaving is crazy. 1.00
00:36:54.000 It didn't even make sense.
00:36:56.000 It wasn't even proportionate to what he said.
00:37:00.000 You overreacted in such a strange way.
00:37:03.000 I have to wonder, are you okay? 1.00
00:37:04.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 0.99
00:37:06.000 No one did that. 1.00
00:37:07.000 They're all like, yes!
00:37:08.000 It was amazing.
00:37:09.000 They went to the Vanity Fair party.
00:37:11.000 He was dancing. 1.00
00:37:12.000 It was almost like it all went away until the rest of the world was like, are you out of your fucking mind? 1.00
00:37:17.000 What is wrong with you? 0.99
00:37:19.000 That is crazy that it did not get acknowledged at all and then And then, I guess, do you think that's a testament to the internet? 1.00
00:37:26.000 Because the internet was like, what the fuck? 0.91
00:37:28.000 Yes, it definitely is a testament to the internet, but the internet is just representative of most people. 0.99
00:37:33.000 There's some people that thought that Chris deserved it.
00:37:35.000 You know, don't talk about someone's wife. 0.96
00:37:37.000 There's a lot of goofy people out there. 0.99
00:37:39.000 I had to set up, you've made me start a new fucking Twitter account, because of something. 0.97
00:37:43.000 I've been off Twitter for like a year, and I had to, because you sent me something about Jordan Peterson. 1.00
00:37:48.000 That Chinese dick sucking factory? 1.00
00:37:49.000 And I had to sign up for a new Twitter account. 1.00
00:37:51.000 Is that real?
00:37:52.000 Do we know if that's real?
00:37:53.000 I thought it was Beeple.
00:37:54.000 I looked at it.
00:37:55.000 Did they delete it off of Instagram?
00:37:58.000 Or off of Twitter. 1.00
00:38:00.000 So Jordan tweets this thing, and these guys are lying on hospital beds in some lab somewhere with a robot sucking their dick. 0.99
00:38:09.000 And they have COVID masks on, they're just lying on their back with their pants off. 0.99
00:38:13.000 So I sent it to these guys that Jordan Peterson actually tweeted it.
00:38:18.000 I might even have to check in on Jordan.
00:38:19.000 That was a good podcast with you and Jordan recently.
00:38:21.000 Oh my god, the last one, he was on fire.
00:38:23.000 He was on fire.
00:38:24.000 He was on fire. 0.98
00:38:25.000 I don't have that brain.
00:38:26.000 I always want my viral clips to be...
00:38:30.000 Because you don't get to pick what goes viral for you.
00:38:33.000 You've got badass viral clips where you're like, be the hero in the story you want to be. 0.99
00:38:39.000 My viral clips are me laughing at fucking people falling down. 0.99
00:38:44.000 Me laughing. 0.99
00:38:44.000 I have those too. 0.99
00:38:45.000 Me and Theo have a bunch of those.
00:38:46.000 Theo is great.
00:38:48.000 Mine are legit just me laughing.
00:38:51.000 If I can laugh...
00:38:54.000 It goes viral.
00:38:56.000 There's a video of me and my dad putting a pizza in a pizza oven.
00:39:00.000 Have you seen it?
00:39:01.000 Yes.
00:39:02.000 It went viral on TikTok. 0.99
00:39:04.000 And I'm like, I'm not even in the goddamn video. 0.98
00:39:06.000 It's just me and him laughing. 0.97
00:39:08.000 And apparently we have the exact same laugh.
00:39:11.000 We talk, we go... 1.00
00:39:12.000 This is the Chinese dick-sucking robot thing. 1.00
00:39:15.000 This says it's from the UK. It says it's a fetish house or something. 1.00
00:39:18.000 Oh, it's from the UK. But didn't it have Chinese writing in something?
00:39:23.000 There is other stuff online that's trying to say this is from China.
00:39:26.000 Oh, okay.
00:39:29.000 What is that one?
00:39:30.000 The sperm bank?
00:39:31.000 The Chinese sperm bank? 0.99
00:39:34.000 I love the memes.
00:39:36.000 Go scroll down again.
00:39:37.000 The meme of the lady getting her eyes washed out by Clorox. 0.97
00:39:40.000 I fucking love the internet. 0.99
00:39:45.000 The internet can fucking deliver. 0.99
00:39:48.000 Put that. 0.99
00:39:49.000 Put that.
00:39:50.000 That meme after that video.
00:39:53.000 Oh my god.
00:39:54.000 So it's a UK fetish house.
00:39:56.000 So it's a real video.
00:39:57.000 It says, I found this on WeChat.
00:40:00.000 They said this is China's collection room for sperm bank.
00:40:04.000 That's a weird statement too.
00:40:05.000 That's what it says from WeChat?
00:40:06.000 That's what the person that found it on WeChat says this is probably what the caption on the video was.
00:40:11.000 Oh, okay.
00:40:12.000 But how does it relate to the UK then?
00:40:15.000 It turns out the video is from the UK. Oh, so it's not really...
00:40:18.000 It's a fetish house. 0.73
00:40:19.000 Fetish clinic. 1.00
00:40:20.000 Can you imagine trusting a robot on your dick? 1.00
00:40:22.000 Like, what if it breaks? 1.00
00:40:24.000 What if it goes wrong?
00:40:25.000 I've done it.
00:40:25.000 Have you?
00:40:25.000 Yeah, of course.
00:40:26.000 With that? 0.99
00:40:26.000 No, not that thing, but I've had the, there's a blowjob thing. 0.99
00:40:30.000 That thing looks too strong. 0.99
00:40:30.000 Tom and I got a bunch of sex toys for two bears to try them out. 0.99
00:40:34.000 And the only ones we tried out were the anal, we did butt plugs. 1.00
00:40:38.000 Put them in your own butt? 1.00
00:40:39.000 Well, we tried. 1.00
00:40:40.000 It's really hard to get a butt plug in your ass. 1.00
00:40:42.000 You'd be shocked. 1.00
00:40:45.000 Some gals would beg to differ. 1.00
00:40:47.000 Dude, I don't know how they do it. 1.00
00:40:48.000 I think you've got to have someone put a butt plug in your ass, because I don't think you... 1.00
00:40:52.000 Could do it yourself? 1.00
00:40:52.000 It's too hard. 1.00
00:40:53.000 I mean, both of us tried pretty aggressively. 0.99
00:40:56.000 But one of the things we got was a blowjob machine. 0.98
00:41:02.000 It's an electronic blowjob machine. 0.96
00:41:04.000 Somebody mentioned that on the podcast once, right? 0.96
00:41:06.000 Didn't they send us some?
00:41:08.000 And we were like, get the fuck out of here with this thing.
00:41:10.000 Yeah, we have something out there.
00:41:11.000 Yeah.
00:41:12.000 You want to try it?
00:41:13.000 No, we don't want to try it.
00:41:14.000 I mean, bring it in.
00:41:15.000 Let's see what it is.
00:41:15.000 Just let it hang out and get to know us.
00:41:18.000 But that thing where the cord's hanging from the ceiling? 0.99
00:41:21.000 I couldn't have my hands tied up and have something on my dick. 0.99
00:41:24.000 I guess here's the tweet that Jordan did. 0.99
00:41:26.000 Yeah.
00:41:27.000 He called it, uh, so much fun and unbelievable techno nightmare CCP hell.
00:41:33.000 That's funny.
00:41:34.000 What is he saying?
00:41:36.000 They're all shaved.
00:41:37.000 But what does he say?
00:41:38.000 He posted something about that in what you just had.
00:41:41.000 This is somebody else talking about it.
00:41:43.000 Oh, just unironically retweeted a video of BDSM male milking dungeon in the UK claimed to be footage of human rights abuses in China.
00:41:55.000 Someone dunking on Jordan.
00:41:59.000 I couldn't go to one of those BDSM places like that.
00:42:04.000 I was a dominatrix camp for a day for a TV show, but I don't know if I could welcome that into my life.
00:42:12.000 You know what I mean?
00:42:13.000 Yes, I do know what you mean.
00:42:15.000 Yeah, don't welcome that in your life. 0.99
00:42:16.000 There's other shit to do. 0.99
00:42:17.000 You should be on your tour bus. 1.00
00:42:19.000 Not laying in a fucking hospital bed getting jerked off by a robot. 1.00
00:42:23.000 But I wonder if that... 1.00
00:42:25.000 There we go.
00:42:26.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.99
00:42:27.000 That's fucking hot. 0.99
00:42:29.000 Is it though? 0.99
00:42:30.000 I think it is.
00:42:31.000 Why?
00:42:32.000 If Leanne showed up in the bedroom dressed like that, I'd be like... 1.00
00:42:34.000 That looks like a Mortal Kombat villain.
00:42:37.000 Yeah, there's something about latex.
00:42:39.000 Wow.
00:42:40.000 Everybody's got their thing.
00:42:41.000 Yeah.
00:42:42.000 The latex thing's a weird one, right?
00:42:45.000 There's something about the leather and the zippers and the bondage and the straps.
00:42:50.000 What is that? 0.91
00:42:51.000 Dudes like to get ball gagged and kicked in the nuts. 1.00
00:42:55.000 What is that? 0.98
00:42:55.000 That I can't understand. 0.98
00:42:56.000 But I do understand.
00:42:57.000 I do understand.
00:42:59.000 Bang! 1.00
00:43:00.000 They pay for it.
00:43:01.000 It's not enjoyable. 1.00
00:43:02.000 They're tied behind their back with a fucking ball in their mouth getting kicked in the nuts. 1.00
00:43:07.000 Bang! 1.00
00:43:08.000 Bang! 1.00
00:43:10.000 They're CEOs. 1.00
00:43:11.000 They like that shit. 1.00
00:43:11.000 That's it, right? 1.00
00:43:12.000 Yeah, they're CEOs.
00:43:13.000 Did I ever tell you the time when Norton and I were having dinner after a show, and we were in Austin, and some lady comes up to him because she knows he's into BDSM, so he's into dominatrices, and she comes over and tells us that she's a dominatrix.
00:43:29.000 And we're like, no way.
00:43:30.000 So she sits down with us and tells us a story because she knows that Norton's into it and tells us it's like mostly these very, very wealthy business owners and CEOs and these like buttoned down guys.
00:43:46.000 And then what they really want to do to blow that steam off is just be really naughty.
00:43:53.000 They want to be naughty boys.
00:43:54.000 They want to be told what to do.
00:43:55.000 And the girl dominates them.
00:43:58.000 And she goes, it's not even really sexual. 0.95
00:44:00.000 Like a lot of times, like sometimes they jerk off, but a lot of times they don't even. 0.68
00:44:04.000 It's like it's not sexual at all. 0.99
00:44:06.000 It's like they just want a woman to tell them what to do while they're naked and yell at them and make fun of them and mock them. 0.99
00:44:15.000 Once I came, I'd be like, alright, the game's over.
00:44:17.000 Untie me.
00:44:18.000 Untie me. 1.00
00:44:18.000 I'm fucking going. 1.00
00:44:19.000 I gotta get an Uber out of here. 0.99
00:44:20.000 I'm embarrassed of who I am.
00:44:22.000 When I did it, they did everything to me. 0.98
00:44:24.000 The electric shocked my balls. 0.99
00:44:26.000 They put 10 pound weights on my balls. 0.99
00:44:28.000 They put a cock ring ball thing and then hold them down. 1.00
00:44:32.000 10 pounds is fucking heavy. 0.99
00:44:33.000 I think it was 10 pounds. 0.99
00:44:34.000 I don't know.
00:44:35.000 I was tied up. 0.99
00:44:35.000 I was tied up totally fucking naked. 0.99
00:44:37.000 This is a TV show, mind you. 1.00
00:44:38.000 Totally fucking naked. 1.00
00:44:40.000 I mean, completely naked. 0.99
00:44:42.000 I think they shaved me. 0.96
00:44:43.000 And I was like, at one point, I was like, am I shooting porn? 0.98
00:44:46.000 This feels like we're shooting porn. 0.51
00:44:49.000 And never got hard until they put me in this thing, like latex.
00:44:56.000 She wrapped me in it, and she slid a tube in it, and she squirted some sort of lube into the tube and started moving it around inside the latex. 0.66
00:45:08.000 And I was bound.
00:45:09.000 I was completely bound. 1.00
00:45:11.000 And the second it hit my dick, we had a safe word, it was Marshmallow. 1.00
00:45:14.000 The second it hit my dick, I realized, oh, this is the moment where you go, I can't say no, I'm gonna keep this going. 1.00
00:45:20.000 So I was like, Marshmallow. 1.00
00:45:21.000 She was like, what?
00:45:22.000 I go, Marshmallow.
00:45:22.000 Get me out of here.
00:45:23.000 If you do a little bit more, I'm not gonna say anything, and I'm gonna come in this fucking thing, and everyone's gonna be fucking weird. 0.99
00:45:29.000 Ew. 0.98
00:45:29.000 Yeah, that was the... 0.98
00:45:30.000 But yeah, I don't mind seeing videos and stuff, but the second I come, I'm like, I'm fucking done with this.
00:45:36.000 I'm out.
00:45:37.000 Someone told me about...
00:45:39.000 The videos of...
00:45:41.000 The massage videos where...
00:45:43.000 It was a woman. 0.60
00:45:45.000 I think it might have been Nikki Glaser.
00:45:46.000 I don't know.
00:45:47.000 Sorry, Nikki, if I misremembered. 0.99
00:45:49.000 Nikki's into some weird shit. 1.00
00:45:50.000 Nikki's... 1.00
00:45:51.000 But she's open and honest about it.
00:45:52.000 Yeah.
00:45:52.000 Yeah, I couldn't...
00:45:53.000 I'm into weird shit, but I'm not open and honest about it. 0.99
00:45:56.000 She's in gangbang videos. 1.00
00:45:58.000 Really?
00:45:59.000 Isn't that what she said she was into?
00:46:00.000 I don't understand.
00:46:02.000 I couldn't...
00:46:03.000 Oh, man.
00:46:03.000 I don't understand the whole gangbang thing.
00:46:06.000 Yeah.
00:46:07.000 Yeah.
00:46:08.000 Yeah, I don't get it either.
00:46:09.000 I don't want to watch it.
00:46:11.000 I can't imagine two dudes with one girl.
00:46:14.000 I can imagine that people are into anything.
00:46:17.000 And that there's going to be people that are into that.
00:46:20.000 But if that's like your thing, like, where's the gangbang video?
00:46:23.000 There we go.
00:46:24.000 Found my spot.
00:46:26.000 You know, if you got, like, gangbang videos bookmarked on your computer, like, what? 0.99
00:46:30.000 You're just hoping to show up where anybody can fuck this person? 1.00
00:46:33.000 And you just pile in? 1.00
00:46:35.000 I, uh...
00:46:37.000 Tom and I went to a dominatrix together for a live show one time.
00:46:41.000 And, uh...
00:46:43.000 And I'm game for anything. 0.99
00:46:44.000 And Leanne's cool, because Leanne doesn't give a fuck. 1.00
00:46:46.000 She knows where, you know, Adriana Chechik offered me and Tom to have a double team on her. 0.99
00:46:51.000 And so we called our wives. 1.00
00:46:52.000 We're like, hey, can we fuck Adriana Chechik? 1.00
00:46:54.000 And Leanne's like, fucking no. 1.00
00:46:56.000 I go, okay, what if we both wear strap-ons? 1.00
00:46:58.000 And we'll fuck them with the strap-ons. 1.00
00:47:00.000 And Tom's like, what are we going to do with our dicks? 1.00
00:47:01.000 I go, we're jerking off, Tom, don't worry. 1.00
00:47:03.000 And then she goes, and then Leanne's like, no. 1.00
00:47:07.000 I go, what if we turn the strap-ons backward like tails, and we fuck her backwards? 1.00
00:47:10.000 We're not even looking. 0.99
00:47:11.000 She's like, no, but we greenlight this dominatrix thing. 0.99
00:47:15.000 So we go, and they do everything.
00:47:17.000 They spank us, and they do whatever. 1.00
00:47:19.000 And then at the very end, she tethers our cocks together with this electric shocker thing and starts electrocuting our cocks. 1.00
00:47:29.000 And we're tied together.
00:47:30.000 We're closer than me and you.
00:47:31.000 I mean, like we're moving a chair.
00:47:35.000 This recently?
00:47:36.000 Yeah, for New Year's Eve a couple years ago.
00:47:41.000 And yeah, there we are.
00:47:44.000 And we get done.
00:47:46.000 And we're like, alright, everything's wrapped up.
00:47:48.000 And then she looks at me and Tom and she goes, you guys wanna come?
00:47:52.000 And I mean, you wanna talk about a moment, a pregnant pause.
00:47:55.000 Tom and I look at each other and we're like, huh?
00:47:59.000 No.
00:47:59.000 And Tom goes, wait, how would you do that?
00:48:01.000 And she goes, I'll take you guys over there.
00:48:02.000 I got this little machine. 0.98
00:48:03.000 I could make it come in like fucking 30 seconds. 0.98
00:48:05.000 And Tom and I were just looking at each other like, definitely, we don't want that. 0.98
00:48:08.000 Let's just leave.
00:48:10.000 And then we go to leave and the girl, another dominatrix comes in and goes, oh my god, Tom Segura, I'm such a big fan.
00:48:19.000 He's like, oh, what's up?
00:48:20.000 He's like, do you know my friend?
00:48:21.000 She goes, no, I've never seen him.
00:48:22.000 So Tom starts giggling.
00:48:23.000 She goes, can I get a picture?
00:48:24.000 And he's like, yeah, sure.
00:48:26.000 So they go over to get a picture. 1.00
00:48:27.000 She goes, on your knees, pig. 1.00
00:48:28.000 And he's like, huh? 1.00
00:48:29.000 She goes, on your fucking knees. 1.00
00:48:31.000 And Tom just gets on his knees and they take a picture of them. 1.00
00:48:34.000 Oh my god.
00:48:35.000 This is Tom and I with the dominatrix.
00:48:37.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99
00:48:39.000 That's a fucking weird world. 1.00
00:48:40.000 It is, it is. 1.00
00:48:42.000 You know, some people are into golf.
00:48:44.000 There was a doc- I wanted to bring this up earlier because I forgot about it.
00:48:48.000 There was a documentary that they did about this woman who participated in a hundred man gangbang.
00:48:54.000 It was like an open public gangbang and she was very intelligent, like a very smart person who was like a college student at the time.
00:49:05.000 Like an Asian lady, if I remember correctly. 1.00
00:49:08.000 Really?
00:49:08.000 Yeah, and she was kind of relaying what it was like to have all these people inside of her and talking about the fingernails, scratching her, because there was just men off the street.
00:49:21.000 That participated in these gangbanks. 1.00
00:49:23.000 Like, guys could just sign up and fuck this famous porn star. 1.00
00:49:26.000 But what, I mean, just help from a health way. 1.00
00:49:29.000 Oh, it's just craziness.
00:49:31.000 I don't understand it.
00:49:31.000 You're getting herpes.
00:49:32.000 But there was this thing that was going on For a while, where there was records to see who had the biggest gangbang.
00:49:41.000 There was another woman who was in competition with her at first. 1.00
00:49:45.000 Remember that?
00:49:46.000 I remember the Houston 500. That's right.
00:49:48.000 Houston 500?
00:49:49.000 I think she...
00:49:50.000 There's gonna be 600, I think, at the end of the day.
00:49:52.000 600 men? 1.00
00:49:53.000 She fucked like 600 different men. 1.00
00:49:55.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:49:55.000 Yeah, over a period of many, many hours. 0.99
00:49:58.000 But I think this other woman did a gangbang movie. 1.00
00:50:03.000 Can I see what she looks like?
00:50:05.000 Because it was a movie about it.
00:50:06.000 The Houston 500 was the...
00:50:08.000 Right, but that's not the one with the smart lady. 0.99
00:50:11.000 The smart lady was... 1.00
00:50:13.000 There was a documentary about an Asian porn star who did a massive gangbang.
00:50:19.000 But there's like...
00:50:20.000 It was just weird because they like, if I remember correctly, it was quite a long time ago, like 20 years ago, but they were talking to her about it.
00:50:28.000 Like, what was the experience like?
00:50:30.000 And I was like, yes, Annabelle Chong.
00:50:34.000 That's it.
00:50:35.000 Why?
00:50:36.000 The 90s porn star Annabelle Chong was arguably the most famous Singaporean in the world.
00:50:40.000 Two decades later, she talks about what she's been doing since she vanished from the public eye.
00:50:45.000 So see if you can find the movie about her.
00:50:50.000 So that's like a recent thing on her.
00:50:52.000 There's got to be something.
00:50:53.000 I mean, I don't mean this disrespectful, but there's got to be something broken inside her brain.
00:50:57.000 Maybe that fixed it. 0.99
00:50:58.000 Maybe it was just like, just eating 500 cocks. 0.97
00:51:02.000 I don't know.
00:51:03.000 I mean, I would try to say...
00:51:05.000 I would say yes, probably.
00:51:08.000 But, like, I don't know why people like what they like.
00:51:12.000 Yeah.
00:51:12.000 It's very interesting when, you know, people...
00:51:16.000 Whatever they like.
00:51:16.000 Ball gags.
00:51:17.000 Leather.
00:51:18.000 I won't kink shame her. 0.98
00:51:19.000 But at the same time, if you're going to say that this is okay as a... 0.99
00:51:23.000 Then, like, you gotta go, like, I'm not into rough sex. 0.98
00:51:27.000 I've never understood rough sex. 0.96
00:51:28.000 Because, for me, sex is about, like, showing my vulnerabilities or whatever.
00:51:33.000 But, like, dudes like it. 0.98
00:51:34.000 And then people get kink-shamed because they like rough sex. 1.00
00:51:37.000 Then all of a sudden, everyone, like, comes out and they fucking don't like them. 1.00
00:51:41.000 Well, rough sex, the thing that scares people is that rough sex is the next-door neighbor to violence. 1.00
00:51:46.000 Like rough sex and then violence against women. 0.99
00:51:49.000 They're like so close to each other. 0.99
00:51:51.000 But chicks, I remember- Some chicks like it. 1.00
00:51:53.000 I've never been with a chick that's ever asked for Robin Williams. 0.98
00:51:56.000 Sex, that's it. 0.94
00:51:57.000 The Annabelle Chong story.
00:51:58.000 So it's a documentary from 99. Wow.
00:52:00.000 A documentary explores, see if you can get it, Annabelle Chong's adult film star whose claim to fame is the world's biggest gangbang where she had sex with 251 men in 10 hours. 1.00
00:52:10.000 What the fuck? 0.98
00:52:23.000 Yeah, that was what was interesting about it, was that she's a very smart person, but is doing this thing that you would think would be a very terrible idea. 1.00
00:52:36.000 You gotta bring that up on a first date, right?
00:52:39.000 Oh, yeah.
00:52:40.000 I would think, yeah, don't wait until you really love each other.
00:52:44.000 Because that's gonna be a hard one to get past.
00:52:46.000 Do you, when, this is an intimate question, you don't have to ask this, but when you met your wife, did you ever ask how many people have you been with?
00:52:52.000 No.
00:52:53.000 No, I don't think that that, do you really want, first of all, do you want to dwell on it? 0.98
00:52:59.000 Do you want to dwell on all the guys she fucked? 0.99
00:53:01.000 Do you want to tell all the girls you fucked? 1.00
00:53:03.000 Like, why? 1.00
00:53:03.000 I've only had sex with six chicks. 1.00
00:53:05.000 I know. 0.99
00:53:05.000 You talk about that on stage. 0.99
00:53:06.000 Yeah, I've only had sex with six chicks. 1.00
00:53:08.000 But I have intimacy issues. 1.00
00:53:09.000 That fucking story you tell is so funny. 1.00
00:53:12.000 About what? 1.00
00:53:12.000 About the one night stand showing up at your show. 1.00
00:53:15.000 Oh, I told that last night.
00:53:17.000 Yes. 1.00
00:53:18.000 Oh shit. 1.00
00:53:19.000 Did you forget? 1.00
00:53:20.000 Yeah, I totally did.
00:53:21.000 Oh, that's hilarious.
00:53:22.000 Oh, that was good.
00:53:23.000 Save that.
00:53:23.000 Okay.
00:53:24.000 Save that.
00:53:24.000 Oh, yeah.
00:53:25.000 That was a good one. 1.00
00:53:26.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 0.99
00:53:27.000 Well, that's the cool thing about watching a whole new hour get launched. 0.99
00:53:31.000 Because I go up like a fire hose and just start trying, like as ideas come to me, I'm just like spitting them out, spitting them out, spitting them out.
00:53:38.000 But that was what was so cool was watch you navigate through that process, like, and knowing that it was, but also everyone there to see you do it.
00:53:46.000 So it was fun.
00:53:47.000 I saw Christina do that too. 0.99
00:53:49.000 She did that at the creek. 0.95
00:53:50.000 It was right after her Netflix special. 0.99
00:53:52.000 She went up to the creek with notes and fucked around. 1.00
00:53:54.000 It was fun. 0.97
00:53:55.000 It's interesting because that is the stand-up I used to do before I started doing bigger venues.
00:54:01.000 When I first did my first theater, Tommy called me and he was like, it's got to be a little more structured.
00:54:05.000 You'll see, but it needs to be a little more structured.
00:54:08.000 And I didn't understand what he was talking about and I realized...
00:54:10.000 It can be fun, it can be wild, but you can't, any of the club cheat codes that we have, I don't know if, you can't explain it to everyone, but there's some cheat codes you can get in the club to like muscle your way through a bit that you can't get in a theater.
00:54:24.000 Exactly.
00:54:24.000 And you definitely can't do in an arena.
00:54:26.000 Right. 0.86
00:54:26.000 Yeah, there's an intimacy in the club that makes fucking around a different thing. 0.86
00:54:30.000 You can't fuck around like that when you're doing 15,000 people. 0.99
00:54:34.000 It's just too weird. 1.00
00:54:35.000 It doesn't make sense.
00:54:36.000 And you can't go fast when you're doing an arena, because I tell it to everyone, when the first arena show you do, take your time.
00:54:45.000 Yeah.
00:54:45.000 Because it's got to get all the way back there, and then it's got to get back all the way up here.
00:54:48.000 Arena timing's different.
00:54:50.000 Yeah.
00:54:50.000 Isn't that funny?
00:54:51.000 You have to talk about arena timing.
00:54:53.000 Did you ever think of that?
00:54:54.000 When you're on the Travel Channel, you'd be talking about arena timing?
00:55:00.000 If you told me...
00:55:01.000 Arena timing.
00:55:02.000 If you told me, I would never imagine that I'd be where I am today when I first did this podcast.
00:55:09.000 Like, the first day I did this podcast, and I got in the car with Red Band, and I had 3,000 followers on Twitter. 0.95
00:55:14.000 And we were driving home, and I was wasted, and I was like, that was funny shit.
00:55:17.000 To tell me that I am today, you know, that I'm in the middle of an arena tour, I have a movie coming out, I have a Netflix special... 0.99
00:55:25.000 I'm a fifth fucking special. 0.99
00:55:27.000 I don't deserve it. 0.99
00:55:31.000 I feel like there's so many people so much better than me.
00:55:35.000 It's not about that.
00:55:37.000 You definitely deserve it.
00:55:39.000 And it's not like so many people deserve it.
00:55:42.000 No, it doesn't exist for them.
00:55:44.000 You made a thing.
00:55:45.000 You figured out a path, and you got through, and it's great, and people love it.
00:55:50.000 It's not a matter of whether or not you deserve it.
00:55:52.000 Of course you deserve it.
00:55:53.000 I was lucky.
00:55:54.000 I was lucky in that...
00:55:55.000 Everyone's lucky. 0.99
00:55:56.000 I fucked up. 0.86
00:55:59.000 There's a couple things of advice that I'm really glad I took. 0.99
00:56:03.000 The number one, number one bit of advice that I'm glad I took is when you came up to me at the Ice House with the whiskey, shots of Jack, and two beers.
00:56:14.000 And you said, hey, we're trying to be your friend.
00:56:16.000 You gotta let us.
00:56:17.000 And I did not want any friends. 0.99
00:56:19.000 I did not want a fucking friend. 0.99
00:56:20.000 I had my kids and my wife. 1.00
00:56:22.000 I was good.
00:56:23.000 I remember you were like, we're trying to be your friend.
00:56:25.000 Just let us be your friend.
00:56:26.000 And I was like, I'm so...
00:56:29.000 Grateful that it was you that said it in that moment and that I listened because the group of friends I have now is so wide and so thick and it's because of that one moment. 1.00
00:56:40.000 I just was like, fuck comics, they're crazy. 1.00
00:56:43.000 Fuck famous people. 1.00
00:56:43.000 Well, I knew that you had had some bad experiences with some other comics that we know, one in specific that we know that's out of his fucking mind. 1.00
00:56:51.000 And I was like, dude, you met some bad people. 0.99
00:56:55.000 That's all it is.
00:56:56.000 This is a good group.
00:56:58.000 We love you.
00:56:59.000 I remember saying to Red Band, we were at the improv, it was before I met you.
00:57:03.000 And I said, I kind of met Red Band, I knew Ari. 0.99
00:57:06.000 And I said, so what's wrong with Joe?
00:57:08.000 And they're like, what?
00:57:09.000 And I go, what's wrong? 0.53
00:57:10.000 Is he gay? 0.89
00:57:11.000 Or what's his thing?
00:57:13.000 And they're like, what do you mean?
00:57:14.000 I was like, no one's ever this nice.
00:57:16.000 Like, something's going on.
00:57:16.000 He needs something.
00:57:17.000 He wants something.
00:57:18.000 What's he trying to get?
00:57:19.000 And they're like, nothing.
00:57:22.000 And then Ari did this little, let me tell you, never paid for a meal around, Joe. 1.00
00:57:26.000 Fly first class.
00:57:27.000 Put up nice.
00:57:28.000 Treats us right. 0.99
00:57:30.000 It's the greatest guy in the fucking world. 0.99
00:57:31.000 And I was like, hmm, okay. 0.99
00:57:34.000 I'll wait until he tries to kiss me and tell you guys.
00:57:36.000 And then you and Bill telling me that my TV show sucked and I needed to focus on stand-up.
00:57:44.000 I'm glad I listened to that.
00:57:45.000 It's like amazing.
00:57:46.000 If I didn't, I mean, obviously you know my respect I have for you, but I have the same for Bill.
00:57:52.000 And then that phone call you gave me in Vietnam.
00:57:55.000 Well, I was high, and I was in the green room of the Comedy Store, and I called you up just because I missed you.
00:58:02.000 I was like, what's he up to?
00:58:03.000 And then when you answered, and you're like, I'm on a motorcycle!
00:58:07.000 I'm in Vietnam! 1.00
00:58:08.000 It was like an overwhelming voice in my head was like, you gotta get this guy to quit that fucking show. 1.00
00:58:16.000 I was like, you gotta quit that show. 1.00
00:58:18.000 Like, you have to quit.
00:58:19.000 I'm like, Bert, you're too funny.
00:58:21.000 I go, you should be a huge stand-up comedian.
00:58:24.000 You know, but what's crazy is, I think maybe now you can hear that advice and connect to where I am today and going, okay, he's got a movie coming out, he's got all these big things.
00:58:33.000 But you don't believe in yourself then. 1.00
00:58:36.000 You're just some fucking... 0.99
00:58:39.000 $1,500 a week comic, a $3,000 a week comic maybe at the time, going like, it'll never happen for me. 0.99
00:58:45.000 We were saying this before the podcast started.
00:58:46.000 When I was younger, before I met Leanne and then right when I met Leanne, I wanted it so bad.
00:58:52.000 I wanted what I have now, I wanted it so bad.
00:58:54.000 But I thought it would be different.
00:58:56.000 It's not what I thought it was going to be.
00:58:59.000 I wanted it, I watched Dane, you know, I'm 100% honest, so if it bothers anyone what I'm about to say, I'm fine.
00:59:05.000 I watched Dane blow up, and I wasn't jealous, but I was envious.
00:59:10.000 I was like, how cool.
00:59:11.000 He goes to like, he like knows movie stars.
00:59:14.000 And then I'm so grateful that I didn't get what I wanted.
00:59:19.000 I'm so grateful that it didn't show up until I was 44, and then now I'm 50, and I can really appreciate it.
00:59:28.000 It would never have meant what it means to have Ron White watch me do stand-up.
00:59:32.000 It means something to me. 0.98
00:59:35.000 When I did the Boston Garden, I fucking... 0.97
00:59:39.000 I cried on stage. 0.99
00:59:40.000 I'm going to cry telling you this.
00:59:42.000 Standing ovations are interesting because you can cheat them.
00:59:47.000 I did this to Ari one time. 0.95
00:59:49.000 I was like, you want me to show you how to get a standing ovation?
00:59:51.000 And he was like, wait, you can get a standing ovation?
00:59:52.000 I go, it's super easy.
00:59:53.000 I'll show you.
00:59:54.000 And I walked him through like a five-point PowerPoint process of how to get a standing ovation.
00:59:59.000 And he was, I mean, Joe, it was almost like the day he lost his religion in Judaism. 0.59
01:00:05.000 He's just like, that's not fair.
01:00:10.000 Is anyone else upset by this?
01:00:12.000 But when you get them and you've earned them, and it happens quick, and it's just...
01:00:17.000 And everyone stands up. 0.98
01:00:19.000 That has happened a few times to me, and every time I fucking cry. 0.98
01:00:22.000 I'm just like, boom, water. 0.99
01:00:24.000 I cry easy, too. 0.99
01:00:24.000 I think I'm fucking... 0.99
01:00:25.000 Thank God I'm on testosterone. 1.00
01:00:28.000 A lot of estrogen?
01:00:28.000 A lot of estrogen.
01:00:29.000 My testosterone levels were so bad that Brigham was like, I have to call you they.
01:00:37.000 But yeah, I never thought I'd be where I am. 0.96
01:00:40.000 And if it all goes away tomorrow, I go, that was a fun fucking ride. 0.97
01:00:44.000 It's like riding a horse. 1.00
01:00:45.000 It's fucking been a goddamn trip. 0.99
01:00:47.000 But the key is now, with the success you have, is recognizing that there is no destination. 1.00
01:00:53.000 There's none.
01:00:54.000 Because this thought that you're gonna get somewhere and it's all gonna make sense.
01:00:59.000 No, what happens is your motivation shifts.
01:01:02.000 Your motivation shifts from this unstoppable desire to make it, then your motivation shifts to doing the best work that you can.
01:01:14.000 I don't get nervous going on stage, but very seldomly do I prepare.
01:01:21.000 Like, prepare.
01:01:21.000 Where I go, let's think very thoughtfully about what we want to...
01:01:25.000 Let's turn this into a job and let's work.
01:01:27.000 And last night, I sat down before dinner with you and I wrote every new idea I had down.
01:01:34.000 And I said, I got my book.
01:01:36.000 I remember a lot of them I want to do.
01:01:38.000 I'm going to make sure I hit all of them.
01:01:40.000 Because I was like, there's a chance that Jim Norton...
01:01:43.000 I didn't know Jim would be there, but there's a chance that I know that you'll be there.
01:01:46.000 And I go, these are my peers, and I want to make sure they know that I'm working.
01:01:49.000 Does that make sense?
01:01:50.000 The second you see your peers stop working, and I won't say their names, but we've seen them.
01:01:54.000 The big comics that just phoned it in.
01:01:56.000 And I go...
01:01:58.000 And I was very thoughtful in my approach to doing stand-up last night.
01:02:01.000 Because I was like... 0.99
01:02:04.000 I was like, that's when it goes away is when you stop giving a fuck, you stop bringing around a joke book. 0.99
01:02:09.000 That's with everything in life. 1.00
01:02:10.000 That's when your marriage fucks up. 0.99
01:02:12.000 That's when your friendships fuck up. 1.00
01:02:14.000 That's when you're a bad neighbor. 1.00
01:02:15.000 That's when you're a bad dad.
01:02:17.000 That's when you're bad at your job. 0.99
01:02:19.000 It's when you suck at a sport.
01:02:22.000 You know, I mean, a lot of things in life is whether or not you appreciate them.
01:02:27.000 It's being in them and recognizing.
01:02:30.000 Like, when we were kids, when we were starting out doing stand-up, the idea that making a living doing stand-up was crazy.
01:02:36.000 Like, we always had jobs, right?
01:02:38.000 Everybody had jobs in the beginning.
01:02:40.000 So you're like, Imagine if I could only pay my bills through comedy.
01:02:44.000 That's insane.
01:02:45.000 And then when you get there, then you're like, oh, how come he's got an HBO special?
01:02:49.000 I don't have an HBO special. 0.99
01:02:51.000 It's so easy to get caught up in the stupid parts and just not appreciate it. 1.00
01:02:57.000 Not appreciate your health. 1.00
01:03:00.000 That's the feeling that I always get if I ever get sick, is that feeling when I get sick like, oh my god.
01:03:08.000 This is terrible.
01:03:09.000 I am going to appreciate health so much more as soon as I get better.
01:03:13.000 Because when you feel like run down and tired and weak, you're like, oh no, what an awful feeling. 0.93
01:03:21.000 Like, I have to recognize that my health is a fucking, it's of utmost priority. 0.95
01:03:27.000 You've got to be healthy. 0.99
01:03:28.000 And don't just think about it when you get sick. 1.00
01:03:31.000 Because when you're healthy, you think about all kinds of stupid shit. 1.00
01:03:35.000 You don't think about, make sure you don't get sick. 1.00
01:03:37.000 But when you're sick, you're like, oh my God, I've got to get healthy.
01:03:41.000 Nothing matters until you're healthy. 1.00
01:03:42.000 If someone could say, look, you could stay sick for the rest of your life, but you never have to work again, you're going to have unlimited income, but you're going to feel like absolute dog shit every day. 0.99
01:03:54.000 He'd be like, no! 1.00
01:03:55.000 No!
01:03:56.000 That's not a life.
01:03:57.000 That's not life.
01:03:59.000 Life is when you're healthy.
01:04:00.000 And no one thinks like that when they're healthy. 1.00
01:04:02.000 Because when you're healthy, you just think about stupid shit. 1.00
01:04:06.000 Like, why don't I have the car that I want? 1.00
01:04:08.000 Why does she have those shoes? 1.00
01:04:10.000 And I don't.
01:04:11.000 Why is this and that? 1.00
01:04:12.000 You're just caught up in your own fucking head. 1.00
01:04:15.000 Dude, so I woke up this morning. 1.00
01:04:17.000 I partied pretty hard last night.
01:04:19.000 But I woke up this morning and I... And I was wondering what your motivation was.
01:04:26.000 Because I woke up and I had slept on my hand, and so my hand was asleep in the morning, so I was like, I had a stroke.
01:04:32.000 And so then I went, oh my god, I did that. 0.73
01:04:33.000 I thought you were going to tell me you jerked off to the dead hand. 0.92
01:04:36.000 Put it on there and just... 0.98
01:04:37.000 I should have.
01:04:38.000 Numb-handed it.
01:04:39.000 God, I wish you'd have been in bed with me.
01:04:41.000 I'd give you advice. 0.99
01:04:42.000 Spit in your hand first.
01:04:43.000 Don't be scared. 1.00
01:04:45.000 You're already fucking your own numb hand. 1.00
01:04:46.000 But I got up and I went, and I realized, oh, my hand's just asleep. 1.00
01:04:50.000 And then immediately I go, it's that health thing.
01:04:52.000 I go, I'm going to the gym.
01:04:53.000 Here we go.
01:04:54.000 Four miles.
01:04:54.000 Let's do it.
01:04:55.000 Good.
01:04:55.000 Do four miles, head over Rogan, eat salmon, be healthy.
01:04:59.000 I'm telling you, I've never been more motivated with health because of dealing with ways to wellness, because once you start taking that accountability, you go, well, now it's time to right the boat, for real.
01:05:11.000 Yeah.
01:05:13.000 But I go, I know my motivation for working out is punitive.
01:05:17.000 It's more like I get angry at myself. 0.99
01:05:20.000 I go, way to go, fuckface. 0.99
01:05:22.000 Okay, you wanted to have last night? 1.00
01:05:23.000 Then this is the morning you get. 0.99
01:05:25.000 You wanted to come home, fucking take a roadie with you and drink it in your room? 0.99
01:05:30.000 Then you get up and you go do four miles. 1.00
01:05:32.000 Let's go.
01:05:33.000 And I was like, I wonder... 0.99
01:05:34.000 Because I know, I never understood, before I worked out the way I do now, I never understood the way your brain worked about your, that without working out, you'd want to fucking kill someone. 0.98
01:05:45.000 It kind of centered you. 0.98
01:05:47.000 Yeah.
01:05:47.000 And I get that now.
01:05:48.000 I get, once, I can feel like shit, but once I push it out of me, I feel amazing for the rest of the day. 0.94
01:05:54.000 Yeah, it's medicine. 0.96
01:05:55.000 It's medicine for everybody.
01:05:56.000 It's not just for me, it's for everybody.
01:05:57.000 It's just, it's hard to do.
01:05:59.000 That's all it is.
01:06:00.000 And you've got to recognize that it's hard to do, but you have to still do it.
01:06:03.000 If you could force yourself to do it, it's better.
01:06:06.000 It's that simple.
01:06:07.000 It's really all in that form.
01:06:10.000 You also don't have to do anything that hard.
01:06:12.000 The thing about exercise is if you can get a really good sweat going and get your heart rate up and push...
01:06:18.000 That's great, but if you can't and you just want to walk around your block, that's way better than not walking around your block.
01:06:23.000 Like, everything is good.
01:06:25.000 Everything you could do is good up until you get injured, right?
01:06:28.000 So do it smart.
01:06:29.000 Do it smart and do it regularly and build up. 0.99
01:06:33.000 Don't go, like, if you have been working out for 20 years, don't Immediately join a fucking CrossFit class and blow your back out. 0.99
01:06:39.000 Do it smart. 0.99
01:06:41.000 Do it slowly at first.
01:06:42.000 Start with push-ups.
01:06:43.000 Get a chin-up bar.
01:06:44.000 Build up.
01:06:45.000 And then after a few weeks of being very consistent with that, then start going to a gym.
01:06:50.000 Maybe if you can afford it, get a trainer.
01:06:52.000 If not, there's tons of YouTube videos.
01:06:55.000 Oh, dude.
01:06:56.000 Netflix has a new workout series.
01:06:57.000 Have you seen it?
01:06:58.000 Oh, no.
01:06:58.000 Netflix has a new workout series.
01:07:00.000 Let me pee and then we'll talk about it.
01:07:01.000 Yeah, sure, sure.
01:07:02.000 I'm so over hydrated lately.
01:07:03.000 I used to be the champ of not pissing during podcasts, but when I went to Waste to Well, I found out I was dehydrated.
01:07:08.000 And it was probably because I was right after coming out of the sauna that I got my blood work done. 0.99
01:07:13.000 But I'm like, God damn it. 0.99
01:07:15.000 And I have been over-hydrating since then, but I feel fucking great. 0.99
01:07:19.000 Really? 0.97
01:07:20.000 But I have to pee all the time.
01:07:21.000 Alright, go piss. 0.99
01:07:21.000 And bring back an ice cube. 0.99
01:07:24.000 Yeehaw, burn crusher.
01:07:25.000 Our boy Aaron Rodgers went to the Jets.
01:07:27.000 What's that?
01:07:28.000 I think our boy Aaron Rodgers went to the Jets.
01:07:30.000 Oh yeah?
01:07:31.000 I think so.
01:07:32.000 Someone was asking me about that.
01:07:34.000 I love that dude.
01:07:37.000 Aaron Rodgers is a saint.
01:07:39.000 Nicest guy you could ever meet.
01:07:40.000 He's the coolest dude.
01:07:41.000 Does not feel at all like he's famous.
01:07:43.000 No, he, dude. 0.96
01:07:44.000 Feels like a fucking totally normal, regular guy. 0.98
01:07:47.000 He showed up. 0.99
01:07:48.000 Are we rolling?
01:07:49.000 We're back?
01:07:50.000 Yes.
01:07:50.000 He showed up.
01:07:51.000 I texted him on Twitter.
01:07:54.000 I made a message about him on Twitter when I was in Green Bay.
01:07:57.000 I was doing the rest center right next to the Lambo. 0.99
01:08:01.000 And he DMs me. 1.00
01:08:02.000 He's like, are you trolling me, motherfucker? 1.00
01:08:05.000 And I was scared. 1.00
01:08:06.000 I was like, he brought man energy.
01:08:08.000 Like, athletes bring man energy to you. 0.70
01:08:10.000 Any cage fighter I've ever fucking talked to, man energy. 0.98
01:08:14.000 I talk shit about, uh, never mind, I'm bringing that up. 0.98
01:08:17.000 So, uh, I said me and Tom were gonna jump Nate DS one time. 0.99
01:08:22.000 Oh, no.
01:08:23.000 And Shane Gillis was like, that was a mistake.
01:08:25.000 Yeah, don't say that.
01:08:27.000 So, uh, it was a joke, Nate, just joking, big fan.
01:08:30.000 So, uh, He DMs me, and I panic.
01:08:33.000 I'm not good at talking to celebrities, so I call Tom, who's awesome at it.
01:08:37.000 He's better at that than stand-up.
01:08:40.000 And he goes, just DM him back.
01:08:42.000 Say, huge fan.
01:08:43.000 Would you like to take us to my show?
01:08:45.000 That's it.
01:08:45.000 So I write back.
01:08:46.000 Not what I would ever write.
01:08:47.000 You know I'd write a paragraph of, no, no, no, no, I love you.
01:08:49.000 I think you're awesome.
01:08:50.000 Your hair looks so cool.
01:08:51.000 I love it when it's wet.
01:08:52.000 Or whatever.
01:08:53.000 And so I DM exactly back, and then he writes back, no, huge fan, I just didn't know.
01:09:01.000 He's like, are you at the rest center tonight?
01:09:03.000 I was like, yeah, and he's like, can I stop by?
01:09:04.000 And I'm like, wow, that's how Tom gets in these bands with these celebrities.
01:09:08.000 So I text back, yeah. 0.99
01:09:09.000 And then he just shows up, regular ass dude. 0.97
01:09:12.000 Knocks on the window of our bus. 0.98
01:09:14.000 Walks in, smells awesome, he's got his wet hair.
01:09:17.000 And we're like, ah! 0.98
01:09:19.000 And he was the coolest fucking hang. 0.99
01:09:22.000 Like, no pretense. 0.98
01:09:23.000 I mean, I gotta be honest with you, and I've made jokes about this, but like, we had a camera on.
01:09:28.000 And Aaron Rodgers was so open and honest about everything that I actually said, can we turn this camera off? 0.97
01:09:35.000 Because I don't ever want him thinking I'd ever leverage any of that shit. 0.94
01:09:38.000 He was just the realest dude And he's been the sweetest guy. 1.00
01:09:45.000 Now I want to know what the fuck he said. 0.99
01:09:47.000 He just opened up that door. 1.00
01:09:49.000 Why'd you do that?
01:09:49.000 Let me tell you, I'm bad with secrets.
01:09:51.000 I'm really bad with secrets, but Aaron Rodgers, I'll keep your secrets until the day I fucking die. 0.99
01:09:55.000 He'll keep your secrets until this podcast is over, and then he's going to fucking tell me, Aaron. 0.98
01:09:58.000 I can almost guarantee you anything he'd tell me, he'd tell you, but almost guarantee. 0.97
01:10:03.000 Do you want a cigar? 0.98
01:10:04.000 Yes, I fucking love a cigar. 0.99
01:10:06.000 I knew you would. 0.99
01:10:07.000 Did you hear the joke I had about Tommy last night?
01:10:09.000 No.
01:10:10.000 About secrets?
01:10:11.000 No.
01:10:12.000 I'll save it.
01:10:13.000 I got a good one. 1.00
01:10:14.000 That motherfucker's going down. 1.00
01:10:16.000 What kind of cigars you got? 1.00
01:10:17.000 Look at that fucking humidor, Joe. 1.00
01:10:19.000 It's pretty dope, right? 1.00
01:10:21.000 Oh, are these your cigars?
01:10:22.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:10:23.000 Oh, a fucking yes. 0.99
01:10:24.000 Do you know who loves these cigars? 1.00
01:10:26.000 It's Bobby Kelly.
01:10:26.000 Yeah.
01:10:27.000 No, he said that Bobby knows his cigars.
01:10:28.000 These are from Foundation Cigars.
01:10:30.000 Foundation Cigars makes good cigars.
01:10:32.000 Yeah, I was very skeptical when they said they were going to make a JRE cigar. 0.88
01:10:36.000 I'm like, oh, this is going to suck.
01:10:37.000 Do you ever look back at how much you've changed in the last 10 years?
01:10:41.000 I don't know.
01:10:42.000 How much have I changed?
01:10:42.000 Like, you weren't a cigar guy 10 years ago.
01:10:44.000 Oh.
01:10:45.000 Yeah, but...
01:10:46.000 You weren't a cigar guy, and you know what else you weren't?
01:10:47.000 I still like cigars.
01:10:48.000 Can I call you on what else you weren't?
01:10:49.000 Which I wasn't either, but now I am.
01:10:51.000 What?
01:10:51.000 You weren't a watch guy.
01:10:52.000 Yeah.
01:10:53.000 You were not a watch guy.
01:10:54.000 Well, the UFC bought me a watch.
01:10:56.000 They bought me a Rolex.
01:10:57.000 Really?
01:10:57.000 It was really nice.
01:10:58.000 And then I did a podcast with Matt Farah.
01:11:01.000 You know Matt from Smoking Tire?
01:11:02.000 Of course I know Matt Farah.
01:11:03.000 And I was making fun of watch people.
01:11:05.000 I'm like, what are you gonna watch this for?
01:11:06.000 What's wrong with you?
01:11:07.000 And then as time went on, I bought a watch.
01:11:11.000 And then I started getting into the mechanics of them.
01:11:14.000 I didn't even before know the difference between a quartz watch and an automatic watch.
01:11:20.000 Thank you.
01:11:20.000 I was like, what's the difference?
01:11:22.000 Who gives a shit if it fucking ticks or if the thing... 0.98
01:11:25.000 And then I started to realize, like, oh my god, there's all these little tiny pieces and the movement of your wrist is what... 0.99
01:11:31.000 Oh, sorry. 0.97
01:11:32.000 The movement of your wrist is what makes the fucking watch wind and that it can stay winding forever like that? 0.99
01:11:40.000 Like, what? 0.99
01:11:40.000 What? 0.99
01:11:41.000 And then I just started getting into the history of how these things were made and how crazy it is that someone figured out how to make these little springs and gears move exactly to the tune of 24 hours in a day.
01:11:58.000 Like, it's pretty wild.
01:12:00.000 The ones that blow me away are the Moonphase watches.
01:12:02.000 Yeah.
01:12:03.000 Those Moonphase watches.
01:12:04.000 Like, so I don't know what I like.
01:12:08.000 I have to have someone tell me what I like sometimes, like with cars, with watches.
01:12:11.000 I always go to Tommy.
01:12:12.000 Tommy's been really good at telling me what's cool and what to dig, what to get.
01:12:17.000 Even with this watch, I didn't know that I wanted it.
01:12:22.000 I didn't know what I wanted.
01:12:23.000 And then I had to see it, and then I was like, oh, I like that.
01:12:26.000 That's a Rolex Daytona.
01:12:27.000 Everybody loves that.
01:12:28.000 That's the Panda. 1.00
01:12:29.000 It's the fucking... 1.00
01:12:30.000 It's the shit. 1.00
01:12:31.000 It's beautiful. 1.00
01:12:32.000 And now I go, well, do I need another watch?
01:12:35.000 So I sit next to this dude on an airplane yesterday talking about the financial crisis, and he starts telling me about watches.
01:12:40.000 And he's like, have you seen...
01:12:41.000 Rolex has a moon phase watch.
01:12:43.000 It's called a Selene or something. 1.00
01:12:44.000 And he's like, that's the fucking gangster watch. 0.99
01:12:47.000 You see the one that I gave Lex Friedman? 0.99
01:12:48.000 You ever see that watch?
01:12:49.000 Yeah.
01:12:50.000 Yeah.
01:12:50.000 That's an Omega Speedmaster, but it has the moon phase built into it with a high-resolution, tiny image.
01:12:58.000 Look at this.
01:12:59.000 Look at this beautiful watch.
01:13:00.000 And he said it's...
01:13:01.000 He says, this is the most slept-on watch.
01:13:03.000 Shout-out to...
01:13:04.000 God, that's gorgeous. 1.00
01:13:05.000 It's a gorgeous fucking watch. 1.00
01:13:07.000 That's so pretty. 1.00
01:13:08.000 I just love...
01:13:10.000 I don't have a lot of leather-banded watches.
01:13:13.000 I'm not a thoughtful person, so I get in showers and pools and not think.
01:13:17.000 So I need to have a watch that can deal with everything.
01:13:20.000 Right, right, right.
01:13:21.000 You need a waterproof watch too.
01:13:22.000 I like dive watches.
01:13:24.000 Those are my favorite because I like to turn the bezel when someone's on stage.
01:13:28.000 I was like explaining it to Tony and those guys.
01:13:31.000 I go, this is the reason why I have a dive watch.
01:13:32.000 When you go on stage, I'll put that little bezel to the minute hand and I'll know exactly how long you've been on stage.
01:13:38.000 So I don't have to go, how long has you been up?
01:13:40.000 And thinking like, when do I go up?
01:13:41.000 Instead, I just look at my watch, and it shows me.
01:13:43.000 Because, you know, it's always a little off, two minutes, you know, someone's supposed to go on at 8, they go on at 8.04, and they're like, you don't know when you get off. 0.96
01:13:52.000 And so, to have that little feature on a dive bezel, where the bezel spins around to the minute hand, is fucking huge.
01:13:59.000 The GMT is my, I totally know I wouldn't buy a watch for a year, because she gave me this for my birthday, and she was like, respect it's a gift, and enjoy it for at least one year before you go buying another watch.
01:14:09.000 Wow, she tells you what to do, huh? 0.98
01:14:11.000 Bro, you have no fucking idea. 0.99
01:14:13.000 I don't like that. 0.99
01:14:14.000 I don't think you'd enjoy being inside our house and watching our marriage.
01:14:17.000 If I gave you my ring cam or my Nest Cam, I think there'd be a couple times where you'd call me and go, Hey man, I need to give you some advice real quick.
01:14:25.000 But maybe that wouldn't my, you know, maybe it's not good advice.
01:14:29.000 You guys seem like you've got a good relationship.
01:14:32.000 Maybe you need a mom. 0.89
01:14:34.000 Maybe you need someone to...
01:14:38.000 Maybe you need someone telling you what to do.
01:14:40.000 Dude, I definitely...
01:14:41.000 I have no idea about anything.
01:14:44.000 We were building...
01:14:46.000 We did the podcast out of the house, out of the guest house in the back, and we were doing it out of there. 0.94
01:14:51.000 And Leanne just fucking went off the reservation one day and bought a new house. 1.00
01:14:55.000 Jesus Christ. 0.98
01:14:56.000 And was like, we're going to build a podcast studio out of this house.
01:14:59.000 And I was like, huh?
01:15:00.000 She was like, yeah.
01:15:01.000 And I start panicking, because I don't know about how much money comes in, or I don't know anything about that.
01:15:06.000 And I was like, hold on.
01:15:07.000 Hold on one second. 1.00
01:15:07.000 You just bought a fucking... 1.00
01:15:09.000 She goes, trust me, it's a great investment. 1.00
01:15:11.000 It's a great house.
01:15:12.000 We got a great price on it.
01:15:13.000 We got a low interest rate.
01:15:15.000 And we're gonna turn this into, because I've always, my, the old compound you had in LA was like my favorite thing I ever saw. 0.98
01:15:23.000 Where I was like, this is the fucking goal. 0.95
01:15:26.000 This is the top. 0.98
01:15:27.000 When you can have like your podcast set up where you go in and you work and then you go home and you're home.
01:15:32.000 Like I go, this is the goal. 0.98
01:15:34.000 Even Tom, this current one you have now is next fucking level. 0.99
01:15:37.000 The one Tom has, it's fucking great. 0.99
01:15:38.000 It's like an office. 0.99
01:15:39.000 It's an office.
01:15:40.000 And Leanne goes, we're gonna hire people.
01:15:42.000 We're going to change your business.
01:15:44.000 We're going to take control of your business.
01:15:45.000 I've also, another little top of the mountain is Stan Hope, the way he operates.
01:15:49.000 Because Stan Hope has everything in-house.
01:15:52.000 Everything in-house.
01:15:53.000 He's got his tour manager, his manager.
01:15:55.000 It's really kind of cool to have your own little pirate ship.
01:15:59.000 She bought a house.
01:15:59.000 She built me a podcast studio in it.
01:16:02.000 It's fucking sick. 0.99
01:16:04.000 She built a Two Bears, One Cave set for when Tommy comes out. 0.99
01:16:07.000 She put her podcast studio in there.
01:16:09.000 She's rebuilding our kitchen because I do Something's Burning.
01:16:11.000 She tore out the kitchen and rebuilt a camera-friendly kitchen that shoots this way. 1.00
01:16:17.000 And she's a gangster, man. 1.00
01:16:20.000 I could not have married the kind of chick I jerk off to. 1.00
01:16:27.000 Does that make sense? 1.00
01:16:28.000 Is that bad? 0.99
01:16:30.000 The fact there's zero pause between all the compliments of her and that I could not have married a chick that I jerk off to. 0.99
01:16:39.000 But you know what I mean? 0.98
01:16:40.000 I mean, I hope that doesn't sound bad.
01:16:42.000 I might want to edit that out.
01:16:44.000 No, keep it in.
01:16:44.000 I'm kidding.
01:16:45.000 Keep it in.
01:16:46.000 Dude, I love my wife. 1.00
01:16:48.000 I love her.
01:16:49.000 I'm attracted to her. 1.00
01:16:49.000 But man, the chick you see that you jerk off to... 1.00
01:16:52.000 Those chicks couldn't build me a podcast studio. 1.00
01:16:54.000 You never know.
01:16:55.000 They wouldn't build me a dentist appointment.
01:16:56.000 Is that mutually exclusive?
01:16:57.000 Like certain body shapes and types and looks, they also can't get it together with other stuff and work?
01:17:06.000 I used to date a chick who would put her makeup on naked in front of a mirror. 1.00
01:17:11.000 I thought it was the hottest thing in the world.
01:17:14.000 Leanne doesn't do that. 1.00
01:17:17.000 If you look at that chick now, she's still putting her naked on the front of the fucking mirror. 1.00
01:17:22.000 You think so? 1.00
01:17:23.000 Yeah, I know so.
01:17:24.000 I know so.
01:17:25.000 Okay.
01:17:26.000 And so I look at her life and I go, I'm so glad.
01:17:28.000 Don't you think that attractive women, when they get older and the attractiveness sort of goes away, some of them are forced to kind of like look at life in a different way?
01:17:38.000 And it's probably not the worst thing for them.
01:17:42.000 For some of them.
01:17:43.000 Some deal with it right, some deal with it wrong.
01:17:45.000 Natasha Leggero definitely didn't like when I said this.
01:17:47.000 Oh, Jesus.
01:17:48.000 But I watched, Leanne had a friend who was a model, and she got old. 1.00
01:17:55.000 And she got older and she gained some weight.
01:17:57.000 But she still had a model brain, right? 0.90
01:18:02.000 That's the right way to say this. 0.98
01:18:04.000 I knew this movie star one time who his wife said, the problem with him, he was always a fat kid. 0.99
01:18:09.000 And he'll always be a fat kid. 0.98
01:18:10.000 No matter how much weight he loses, in his mind, he's still a fat kid. 0.95
01:18:13.000 I grew up in shape my whole life, so I don't even see me as fat now.
01:18:17.000 At all. 0.99
01:18:18.000 I feel like I'm fucking jacked. 0.98
01:18:20.000 I mean, dead serious. 0.99
01:18:20.000 I walked into the green room last night. 0.99
01:18:21.000 I wasn't joking. 0.99
01:18:22.000 My tits look great. 0.99
01:18:23.000 My shoulders look fucking awesome. 0.99
01:18:24.000 I'm benching 275. I'm fucking jacked right now. 0.99
01:18:28.000 Same thing happens with hot chicks. 1.00
01:18:30.000 Leanne had a friend who was a hot chick, and I watched her try to get the bartender's attention. 1.00
01:18:35.000 And it was something that must have come easier to her when she was younger, but now it was so difficult, and she couldn't figure it out.
01:18:42.000 And it was like watching Superman get locked out of his house. 0.99
01:18:45.000 She was just like this, like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? 0.98
01:18:48.000 And I'm like, oh, the cachet you had when you were younger that you thought was just given to everyone. 0.99
01:18:53.000 You didn't realize that was a privilege because you were beautiful.
01:18:56.000 Now you're realizing what it's like to be me. 1.00
01:18:58.000 Like, just be a regular person at the end of a bar trying to get a fucking drink. 1.00
01:19:01.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:19:01.000 And it's interesting. 0.99
01:19:02.000 Some people handle it well, and some people don't.
01:19:05.000 I mean, it probably goes hand in hand with fame and notoriety.
01:19:10.000 Yeah.
01:19:10.000 But I'm lucky that I grew up like a mediocrely attractive, never jacked, never super talented guy, because I think it gives you empathy.
01:19:23.000 Well, I think that you can really get confused if you're super attractive and think that whatever attention that you get is normal, that you deserve it, or that you're special.
01:19:36.000 Somebody said this, I forget who it was, we've said this quote before, but beauty is a short-lived tyranny.
01:19:43.000 Who made that quote? 0.99
01:19:44.000 Was it Benjamin Franklin or some shit? 1.00
01:19:46.000 No, no way he fucking said that. 1.00
01:19:48.000 Socrates? 1.00
01:19:49.000 He had wooden teeth, right? 1.00
01:19:50.000 Fucking Plato or some shit. 1.00
01:19:51.000 Socrates? 1.00
01:19:52.000 Is he the guy that they gave him a hemlock?
01:19:56.000 Is that Socrates?
01:19:58.000 You know, Socrates, they made him come up in front of the thing and say, you can live.
01:20:03.000 Beauty is this. 1.00
01:20:04.000 Socrates is a motherfucker. 1.00
01:20:06.000 Beauty is a short-lived tyranny. 1.00
01:20:08.000 Yeah, that's kind of what it is.
01:20:09.000 Like, when someone is really, really beautiful, like, everyone just pays attention to them when they walk into a room.
01:20:15.000 Like, oh my god, look at her.
01:20:17.000 Like, people, they just, they're overwhelmed.
01:20:20.000 Like, it's royalty.
01:20:21.000 It's like human royalty, right?
01:20:24.000 There's royalty like royal family, but then there's royalty like genetic royalty.
01:20:29.000 And really beautiful people are like genetic royalty.
01:20:33.000 They have a thing that no one else can have.
01:20:36.000 And other people want it.
01:20:38.000 This is why those filters exist.
01:20:40.000 You want to pretend you have it.
01:20:43.000 You know, you want to, like, pose like you have.
01:20:45.000 Like, there's a lot of people that get their face chopped up to try to achieve it.
01:20:49.000 But some people are just born with it.
01:20:51.000 But that's why...
01:20:52.000 And they are born with it, but that's why a guy like, say, Tim Dillon is who Tim Dillon is.
01:20:57.000 It's because...
01:20:58.000 Of course.
01:20:58.000 It didn't...
01:20:59.000 And nothing came easy to him.
01:21:00.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:21:00.000 And so he had to form a brain that could talk circles around fucking any of those... 0.99
01:21:06.000 I think that's... 0.99
01:21:08.000 I mean, I'm sure it speaks on many levels, but like I go, I'm so lucky I had to learn how to be funny.
01:21:15.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:21:16.000 Because I couldn't just get pussy by standing in a corner. 1.00
01:21:18.000 You walked into the party like you were walking into a yacht. 1.00
01:21:25.000 You know that?
01:21:25.000 No.
01:21:26.000 You're so vain?
01:21:27.000 Carly Simon?
01:21:27.000 Can you play it?
01:21:28.000 Can you play it?
01:21:28.000 Oh, yeah.
01:21:29.000 Let's play it.
01:21:30.000 I love when you play music on this.
01:21:31.000 Oh, my God. 1.00
01:21:32.000 This fucking song was... 1.00
01:21:33.000 Somebody played it in the bar, in the Mitzi's bar the other day. 1.00
01:21:37.000 That's a fucking great hang, by the way. 0.99
01:21:38.000 It's a great hang. 1.00
01:21:39.000 You're doing it right, buddy.
01:21:40.000 We're all singing it wrong.
01:21:41.000 Yeah.
01:21:41.000 You're doing it right.
01:21:42.000 We are doing it right.
01:21:43.000 You're doing it really right.
01:21:45.000 It can be done.
01:21:46.000 I hope I get to go to your funeral.
01:21:51.000 Hold on, get it from the beginning.
01:21:53.000 Look at her. 0.97
01:21:55.000 Yeah, this version is gonna suck because it's live.
01:21:57.000 See if you can find a non-live version.
01:21:59.000 Here it is. 0.99
01:22:00.000 Oh, look at her nipples. 1.00
01:22:01.000 She was so hot, dude. 1.00
01:22:02.000 She's so fucking hot. 1.00
01:22:03.000 She is so fucking hot. 1.00
01:22:05.000 Look how hot she was. 1.00
01:22:07.000 This is like 70s hippie Carly Simon hot.
01:22:10.000 By the way, she looks like she could swallow Mike Tyson's fist with that mouth. 1.00
01:22:14.000 Look at the size of that mouth. 0.96
01:22:15.000 Real teeth, real teeth.
01:22:16.000 She's so hot. 0.97
01:22:25.000 This is about Warren Beatty. 1.00
01:22:48.000 What a great fucking song! 0.99
01:23:01.000 The last thing you want to do is break up with Carly Simon and have her write a song about you that's awesome. 1.00
01:23:10.000 She is fucking beautiful. 0.98
01:23:11.000 She's so hot. 1.00
01:23:13.000 Was she still alive?
01:23:14.000 Yeah, but look at that picture.
01:23:16.000 That's about as hot as a woman gets. 1.00
01:23:17.000 You just get different.
01:23:19.000 You don't get hotter than that.
01:23:20.000 There's like levels of hot.
01:23:22.000 There's so many levels of what I'd be attracted to on this.
01:23:24.000 First of all, number one, no bra.
01:23:26.000 Number two, her hands. 0.98
01:23:28.000 She's got great hands.
01:23:29.000 Number three, her smile is what they try to emulate in plastic surgeon's office. 1.00
01:23:37.000 Bigger top lip.
01:23:38.000 Great teeth.
01:23:39.000 Those are real teeth, Joe.
01:23:41.000 Those are native teeth.
01:23:42.000 Yeah, that was before the veneer days. 0.99
01:23:43.000 Yeah, that's fucking... 0.99
01:23:44.000 She's still alive. 1.00
01:23:46.000 I'd hit it.
01:23:47.000 She was so hot, dude. 1.00
01:23:48.000 How old is she now? 0.92
01:23:49.000 79. Whoa!
01:23:52.000 That's so crazy.
01:23:53.000 Life is so fleeting! 1.00
01:23:55.000 It sucks. 1.00
01:23:56.000 She was so young and hot and beautiful and fucking talented, man. 1.00
01:24:00.000 That voice is incredible. 0.98
01:24:02.000 Look at her lips in the third picture over the left.
01:24:04.000 Look at her lips.
01:24:05.000 I mean, I don't mean to...
01:24:06.000 Oh my God.
01:24:07.000 Those are...
01:24:07.000 That's what they do.
01:24:08.000 Plastic surgeons are doing that today.
01:24:10.000 Top dollar.
01:24:11.000 And she had it natural.
01:24:12.000 Great eyebrows.
01:24:13.000 In 1971, son.
01:24:15.000 Nose could use a little work, but her hair... 1.00
01:24:18.000 A little bit of a thick nose.
01:24:19.000 I bet she got it done. 0.92
01:24:20.000 Go to the older one.
01:24:20.000 Go to the older one.
01:24:21.000 She definitely got a nose job. 1.00
01:24:23.000 Maybe not, bro.
01:24:24.000 Leave her alone. 1.00
01:24:27.000 There were clouds in my coffee.
01:24:30.000 Clouds in my coffee and you're so vain. 1.00
01:24:36.000 She's beautiful. 0.99
01:24:40.000 Bro, those boobs are off the charts. 1.00
01:24:43.000 Those boobs are next fucking level. 1.00
01:24:45.000 Natural boobs or fake boobs? 1.00
01:24:46.000 1971, wearing bell bottoms. 0.94
01:24:48.000 Look at that.
01:24:49.000 By the way, we're going to find out she was 17 in this picture.
01:24:52.000 No, no chance. 1.00
01:24:53.000 She's got to be young as shit. 1.00
01:24:55.000 How old was she in 71? 1.00
01:24:57.000 65, I think, so she would have been 22. Well, she was 71. She's got to be 25, roughly, at 71. We're five.
01:25:02.000 We're out of the woods. 0.94
01:25:04.000 Natural boobs, man. 1.00
01:25:05.000 That's the fucking thing. 1.00
01:25:06.000 That's the move. 1.00
01:25:08.000 Unless you have little tiny ones.
01:25:10.000 Nope.
01:25:11.000 But what if they could just shoot something in them and make them grow?
01:25:14.000 Like a peptide.
01:25:16.000 Like a titty peptide. 1.00
01:25:17.000 Leanne got a fucking Invisalign. 1.00
01:25:21.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:25:22.000 Her teeth are perfect. 1.00
01:25:23.000 I go, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00
01:25:24.000 She goes, they could be better. 1.00
01:25:25.000 I go, out of all the plastic stranger, you choose your fucking teeth. 1.00
01:25:28.000 You can fucking light them. 1.00
01:25:29.000 It's not plastic surgery. 1.00
01:25:30.000 Whatever, the fucking cosmetic whatever. 1.00
01:25:33.000 Yeah, and it's like living with a fucking special needs kid. 1.00
01:25:35.000 Oh, no. 1.00
01:25:38.000 She has the cheek and breast volume enhancing peptide. 0.90
01:25:41.000 What?
01:25:42.000 It's real?
01:25:44.000 It's real?
01:25:45.000 Yeah, it is.
01:25:45.000 Let me see what it does.
01:25:47.000 What does it say? 1.00
01:25:49.000 We'll probably sell this shit. 1.00
01:25:51.000 Here's the thing. 1.00
01:25:52.000 When we talked about stomach glutide, I don't know how much of an impact we had on it, but we had a fucking impact. 0.99
01:26:00.000 It was an impact. 0.98
01:26:01.000 Who's on stomach glutide? 0.97
01:26:02.000 A lot of people.
01:26:03.000 A lot of people were on it.
01:26:05.000 But when we talked about it, then all of a sudden it started popping up everywhere, where the pros and the cons of it.
01:26:12.000 But it's like, you gotta be careful about promoting these kind of...
01:26:17.000 These things that people take.
01:26:18.000 That's my problem.
01:26:19.000 I want to talk.
01:26:20.000 Okay, so it says, inactive recommendations, 2% in facial redefining or breast firming formulations in addition to any product where replenishing effect is desired. 0.98
01:26:31.000 So from 2011, they probably got way better shit. 0.98
01:26:34.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:26:36.000 I'll see if this is still a thing or something.
01:26:38.000 Hmm.
01:26:39.000 I talked to Braco about that last night.
01:26:41.000 I said, listen, man, because you know I'm on his protocol.
01:26:43.000 I go, I'm pretty irresponsible about talking about health.
01:26:46.000 Like, I'm like the Alex Jones of fitness.
01:26:48.000 So I go, I'm skeptical to ever tell anyone what I'm doing with you. 0.99
01:26:51.000 He was like, I don't give a fuck. 0.99
01:26:53.000 You can tell everyone what you're doing. 1.00
01:26:54.000 I was like, all right.
01:26:55.000 Yeah, people will put it through the Burt filter.
01:26:57.000 Yeah.
01:26:57.000 And they just won't just go out and do exactly what you're doing.
01:27:00.000 I'm doing Windstraw, Deca.
01:27:02.000 I love steroids.
01:27:04.000 I know it's not steroids, but I think it is.
01:27:06.000 I love it.
01:27:07.000 Are you on Winstraw?
01:27:08.000 I don't know.
01:27:09.000 No.
01:27:10.000 No, I don't know.
01:27:11.000 You might have to call Brigham.
01:27:12.000 Yeah, I don't think you know.
01:27:13.000 No, I don't think I'm on Winstroll.
01:27:14.000 I'm on testosterone TRT. Yeah, that's normal.
01:27:17.000 TRT. Yeah, if you're ever getting onto that, I'd be like, hey, [...
01:27:24.000 I know I haven't felt the effects yet, because it takes like a month before it starts actually raising your levels, but the first day, I was fucking— What are you talking about?
01:27:32.000 You feel it almost immediately.
01:27:33.000 You do?
01:27:34.000 Yes.
01:27:35.000 Everyone told me it took like a month.
01:27:36.000 I felt it immediately. 0.98
01:27:37.000 I felt it fucking immediately. 0.99
01:27:38.000 No, no, no, no, no, no. 0.99
01:27:39.000 I felt it immediately.
01:27:41.000 You've reintroduced testosterone to your system.
01:27:43.000 You'll feel it immediately.
01:27:44.000 It's the greatest thing in the world.
01:27:45.000 Who told you that's going to take months?
01:27:46.000 I don't know.
01:27:47.000 I mean, I don't know.
01:27:47.000 No, you'll have physiological changes in months, like more muscle mass.
01:27:51.000 You'll add more muscle mass.
01:27:53.000 You'll lose body fat.
01:27:54.000 That'll take place over a long period of time.
01:27:56.000 But as far as how you feel, it's almost instantly.
01:27:59.000 My cardiologist was the one who recommended it.
01:28:01.000 Really?
01:28:02.000 Yeah, because I've dealt with Brigham and Denise.
01:28:05.000 I think I'm saying her name, right?
01:28:06.000 It's spelled weird, but I'm saying her right. 1.00
01:28:09.000 When we did stem cells, intravenous stem cells.
01:28:14.000 And she goes, let me take your blood. 1.00
01:28:15.000 And I said, no.
01:28:16.000 This is private.
01:28:17.000 And she goes, why not?
01:28:18.000 And I said, because my dad was there, I think.
01:28:20.000 My mom was there.
01:28:21.000 And you were there.
01:28:22.000 And you and my dad are very similar men.
01:28:24.000 You guys both are like, hey...
01:28:26.000 What are we doing about this weight loss?
01:28:27.000 And I'm like, I don't want to deal with either of these guys right now.
01:28:30.000 And don't take my blood.
01:28:32.000 She goes, what's going on?
01:28:32.000 I said, I've been partying a lot.
01:28:33.000 She was like, yeah, but I can fix that.
01:28:35.000 I go, yeah, but I don't want to deal with these guys.
01:28:37.000 Trust me.
01:28:38.000 Let's show them my dad talk. 1.00
01:28:40.000 These are the fucking two fucking north stars are sitting together, lighting up like the sun. 0.99
01:28:45.000 And so then I go in, and then I go to my cardiologist last time, and my liver enzymes for the first time ever are out of the normal range. 0.99
01:28:54.000 Just a little bit, but out.
01:28:57.000 How is that possible?
01:28:59.000 How are they just barely out of the normal range?
01:29:02.000 Are you ready?
01:29:03.000 Can I tell you?
01:29:04.000 Yes.
01:29:04.000 It's my cholesterol medicine.
01:29:07.000 The cholesterol medicine makes your liver enzymes better?
01:29:11.000 No, it fucks them up. 0.99
01:29:12.000 Oh, that's what's causing it to be fucked up? 0.99
01:29:15.000 This goes into the weeds because you told me about cholesterol and sugars. 0.98
01:29:19.000 And that's the conversation I had with Denise. 0.98
01:29:21.000 And by the way, Alex Jones of Fitness, I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. 0.97
01:29:24.000 Yeah, there's a lot going on, right? 0.96
01:29:29.000 There's a lot going on, but it's overall, it's metabolic health.
01:29:33.000 And you can't be healthy and be overweight.
01:29:36.000 It's like all this stuff that you keep hearing on the news and all this crazy talk about how you can be fat and still be healthy.
01:29:44.000 That is just not true.
01:29:46.000 It's not true.
01:29:46.000 There's a host of diseases that are directly connected with being overweight.
01:29:51.000 A host of them.
01:29:52.000 It diminishes your immune system.
01:29:53.000 It made you more susceptible to COVID. It causes people to get diabetes.
01:29:56.000 There's a lot of things that happen when you're obese.
01:29:59.000 There's a lot of denial in obesity.
01:30:01.000 Because it feels good to eat.
01:30:02.000 It feels fine.
01:30:04.000 Great!
01:30:04.000 I would like a meatball sub right now with provolone cheese with the sauce and you're biting into it.
01:30:12.000 You're like, oh!
01:30:14.000 You know that feeling?
01:30:15.000 It's all the meat and the bread and the sauce with a little garlic in the sauce and the melted privolone and you're just eating that meatball sub.
01:30:24.000 I would love that right now. 0.99
01:30:25.000 But then after it's over, I'd feel like dog shit. 0.99
01:30:27.000 Yeah, I could get past that. 1.00
01:30:30.000 I've done it enough.
01:30:31.000 The thing about...
01:30:34.000 The thing about my weight, which is weird, is that I've always been sneaky in shape.
01:30:39.000 Sneaky can still achieve athletic abilities.
01:30:42.000 When we were in Tampa, I brought Fitzsimmons with me.
01:30:47.000 And my high school hit me up, and they're like, hey, you want to come out with the kids and say hi to the kids' baseball team?
01:30:53.000 So I play baseball?
01:30:54.000 Maybe take batting practice?
01:30:55.000 And I was like, yeah. 1.00
01:30:56.000 In my head, I'm like, I'm hitting the fucking home run. 1.00
01:30:58.000 And so I go out to the kids and we take batting practice and I hit a fucking home run at 50. I never hit a home run in high school. 0.99
01:31:05.000 I never once hit it out of the park in high school. 0.99
01:31:07.000 And I hit a fucking home run at 50. And there's a weird thing that happens in your brain and I don't know if it's denial or if it's like accepting Not wanting to accept the truth, but I literally was like, I hung out with Wade Boggs and fucking Derrick Brooks and all these pro athletes, and I was like, 0.97
01:31:23.000 hit a fucking home run today. 0.87
01:31:24.000 And everyone's like, oh, way to go. 1.00
01:31:25.000 You're in great shape, big guy.
01:31:27.000 And you believe it.
01:31:28.000 And you believe it.
01:31:29.000 You believe it. 1.00
01:31:29.000 You go to bed going, I'm having another double Tito's and soda, and I'm fucking, I'm killing it, man. 1.00
01:31:34.000 Yeah, you do. 0.99
01:31:35.000 But you have this odd brain where you believe things that aren't necessarily true. 0.79
01:31:40.000 You're telling me. 0.88
01:31:42.000 It's very strange.
01:31:44.000 But you also say things that you don't believe. 0.99
01:31:47.000 Wait, I'm going to tell you, this is how fucked up my brain is. 0.99
01:31:49.000 Okay. 0.99
01:31:50.000 So I was talking to Tom about Michael Jordan.
01:31:53.000 And he said, did you ever get him to see him play?
01:31:56.000 And I said, I think I did.
01:31:58.000 And he goes, what do you mean?
01:31:59.000 And I said, I might have.
01:32:00.000 I don't know if I did or I didn't, but I might have.
01:32:03.000 And I said, actually, I think...
01:32:04.000 And he goes, what do you mean?
01:32:05.000 And I said, I think I saw Nirvana live.
01:32:09.000 But I'm not gonna fact check it, because I don't need to know the truth, because I have the feeling that I saw Nirvana Live. 0.99
01:32:16.000 And he goes, that's so fucked up. 0.94
01:32:19.000 I said, what's more important, the memory of seeing them live, or did you see them live? 0.99
01:32:24.000 What if I find out I didn't see them live, and then I get to lose that memory that I know I have?
01:32:29.000 I have a memory of, I know where I was sitting in the Civic Center in Tallahassee.
01:32:35.000 I know where I was sitting when I saw Nirvana play.
01:32:38.000 Now, I am the kind of person that can make up that memory.
01:32:40.000 I am.
01:32:41.000 I definitely am.
01:32:42.000 I don't know how it happens.
01:32:43.000 It's dreams. 0.99
01:32:44.000 I don't know what the fuck it is. 0.99
01:32:45.000 And I go, so, but why would I cheat myself out of a memory that I feel like I have? 0.99
01:32:50.000 I feel like I have it.
01:32:51.000 It's as tangible to me as anything that did happen or didn't happen.
01:32:54.000 Why would I cheat that? 0.99
01:32:55.000 And so Tom, of course, being a soulless cunt, goes, let's find out if it's real. 0.99
01:33:01.000 Who'd you see the concert with? 0.99
01:33:02.000 I go, John Dacre and Brent Bracken.
01:33:04.000 And he goes, let's call them up.
01:33:06.000 So I call John Dacre.
01:33:07.000 Oh, he's on Two Bears.
01:33:08.000 I go, John, Have you ever seen... 0.98
01:33:11.000 Now, I'm like fucking cowering because I'm about to lose seeing Kurt Cobain live and smashing pumpkins open for them. 0.80
01:33:19.000 And neither one of those happened. 0.94
01:33:21.000 I go, John, have you ever seen Nirvana live?
01:33:25.000 And he goes...
01:33:26.000 I saw them with you.
01:33:27.000 Smashing Pumpkins opened.
01:33:28.000 And I went, I'm done.
01:33:29.000 I don't need to fact check Michael Jordan.
01:33:31.000 I saw Michael Jordan.
01:33:32.000 Even if I didn't, I saw Michael Jordan live because I feel like I did.
01:33:35.000 That's all that matters with memories.
01:33:36.000 And that's why my brain's broken.
01:33:38.000 That's how the Bible got written.
01:33:46.000 You're right.
01:33:47.000 He's like, dude, he came back to life.
01:33:50.000 You're right.
01:33:51.000 Three days.
01:33:52.000 It's faith.
01:33:53.000 Yeah.
01:33:53.000 It's faith.
01:33:54.000 It's how the Bible got written.
01:33:55.000 It's literally how the Bible got written.
01:33:57.000 The Bible got written.
01:33:58.000 It's based on oral stories that lasted for probably a thousand years.
01:34:05.000 Did you hear my bit about that last night?
01:34:08.000 About the Bible?
01:34:09.000 I thought they wrote it in rocks.
01:34:11.000 I thought that's why it was so like willy-nilly, because if you got to chisel something, you're not going to like elaborate.
01:34:17.000 It's not very willy-nilly.
01:34:19.000 You really read it?
01:34:20.000 The Bible?
01:34:21.000 Yeah.
01:34:21.000 Yeah, but they're kind of like, he kind of, he walked on water or whatever.
01:34:26.000 Well, the real problems with the Bible is that we don't speak ancient Hebrew. 0.57
01:34:30.000 Like maybe Ari could read that shit, but that's the original Bible, unless you get to the Dead Sea Scrolls, which is Aramaic. 0.96
01:34:38.000 So, like, if you're reading the Bible, you would have to understand ancient Hebrew. 0.99
01:34:42.000 And ancient Hebrew is a completely different kind of language because the letters are also numeric.
01:34:48.000 So, like, the letter A is also the number one.
01:34:51.000 So they don't have a difference between letters and numbers.
01:34:55.000 So, like, when you say something, it has a numeric value.
01:34:59.000 I can't wait to retell this story at a dinner party because I'm barely listening and go, you know Hebrews can't count, right? 1.00
01:35:05.000 Yeah.
01:35:06.000 You know they can't count at all?
01:35:07.000 Like, they would try.
01:35:08.000 And then that's why they got good with money, is they learned how to count.
01:35:11.000 That's hilarious. 0.99
01:35:12.000 I'm bad at fucking retaining. 0.99
01:35:13.000 Ancient Hebrew is fascinating. 0.97
01:35:15.000 I would love to increase my information.
01:35:19.000 Because even as you do that, I go, I kind of know a little bit about Martin Luther King.
01:35:27.000 Martin Luther?
01:35:28.000 I know a little bit about Martin Luther, but not enough.
01:35:31.000 I know a little bit...
01:35:32.000 I don't remember things the way you can remember things.
01:35:36.000 You can talk about a subject...
01:35:39.000 And it feels like you did high school homework on it.
01:35:42.000 And then you come in and like, yeah.
01:35:44.000 Well, I've had a bizarre education doing this podcast.
01:35:47.000 It's been very bizarre.
01:35:49.000 I mean, that's what it's been, essentially. 0.99
01:35:51.000 I mean, it's been a lot of talking shit, a lot of getting fun, you know, having fun and being silly with friends. 0.96
01:35:56.000 But it's also been... 0.95
01:35:59.000 Incredible conversations like hours long with some of the most fascinating people and then also to research them I read their books So it's like actually read it no mostly most of its audio I listen to them driving and in the sauna and you listen because like if I listen to an audiobook my my Imagination goes off and I start thinking different thoughts.
01:36:19.000 Oh, yeah, like it'll spark something like the what's the one about the the What's the book about the people from Portugal coming down the coast of Africa?
01:36:30.000 It's like the conquistadors or the conquerors. 1.00
01:36:32.000 It's a book and the second I hear, and then they had the Muslim chief come out and they put shit in his mouth with pork. 1.00
01:36:40.000 My brain goes to a different place. 1.00
01:36:42.000 My imagination takes over.
01:36:44.000 I think I have too active of an imagination that I have it based in reality.
01:36:48.000 Or you're scatterbrained.
01:36:50.000 I'm that.
01:36:50.000 Could be that.
01:36:51.000 Probably that.
01:36:52.000 Yeah.
01:36:54.000 I'm really good at concentrating on things that I'm interested in.
01:36:56.000 For real?
01:36:57.000 But they have to be interesting to me. 1.00
01:36:58.000 If they're not interesting, it's just fucking in one ear, out the other. 0.99
01:37:01.000 It's very selective. 0.98
01:37:02.000 Top five things you're interested in right now?
01:37:04.000 Oh, well, I'm always interested in multiple things simultaneously.
01:37:08.000 The problem with me is time management.
01:37:10.000 It's always time management. 0.98
01:37:12.000 Like, when someone says, oh, I'm bored, I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck you're saying. 0.99
01:37:16.000 I haven't been bored in fucking six years. 0.99
01:37:19.000 Yeah, I wish I had nine lives to live simultaneously. 0.99
01:37:22.000 I would do nine different things.
01:37:24.000 I would have nine different jobs.
01:37:25.000 I would love a twin brother. 1.00
01:37:27.000 Yeah, just make them do your shit. 1.00
01:37:28.000 No, no, no. 1.00
01:37:29.000 I just would like to team up with them at the end of the night and go, what did you do today?
01:37:32.000 Yeah, well, you probably would hate each other.
01:37:33.000 Dude, we'd do killer promos. 0.99
01:37:35.000 I know brothers that fucking hate each other. 1.00
01:37:37.000 Twins that hate each other. 1.00
01:37:39.000 I just dated a girl.
01:37:40.000 She was a twin.
01:37:40.000 She hated her sister.
01:37:41.000 For real?
01:37:41.000 I'm like, that's nuts.
01:37:43.000 Yeah, they don't talk.
01:37:44.000 To this day, I don't think they talk.
01:37:45.000 I follow...
01:37:46.000 I apologize. 0.99
01:37:48.000 Two gay twins in Australia on Instagram that are fucking hilarious. 1.00
01:37:55.000 His brother Sassy Scott, and the one brother just fucks with the other brother, and it is fucking... 1.00
01:38:02.000 Dude, gay dudes, I wonder if I got pitched gay wrong. 1.00
01:38:06.000 You got pitched it? 0.96
01:38:07.000 Yeah.
01:38:07.000 Who pitched gay to you?
01:38:08.000 When I was a kid.
01:38:10.000 They pitched it?
01:38:10.000 Yeah.
01:38:11.000 Like, hey, here's an idea.
01:38:12.000 No, no, it's like...
01:38:14.000 They come into your office.
01:38:17.000 Here's a presentation.
01:38:19.000 We got a reel we're going to show you. 0.97
01:38:20.000 This is all about being gay. 0.99
01:38:23.000 And it's just like a bunch of rainbows and guys like dancing together.
01:38:26.000 Do you remember the first time you heard about gay?
01:38:30.000 I lived in San Francisco when I was seven.
01:38:33.000 So I was around gay people at a very early age.
01:38:36.000 Really?
01:38:36.000 And did your mom pull your sign and explain it?
01:38:39.000 Not that I remember.
01:38:42.000 Someone must have explained it.
01:38:44.000 But it was so normal to me because we moved from New Jersey to San Francisco when I was seven years old.
01:38:51.000 And it was the height of the Vietnam War, the hippie movement.
01:38:55.000 And we were in the gay neighborhood. 0.79
01:38:58.000 It was gay. 0.98
01:38:59.000 Everyone was gay. 0.92
01:39:00.000 So you'd see dudes holding hands?
01:39:01.000 Oh, yeah.
01:39:02.000 I was walking down the street with my stepfather and some guy catcalled him.
01:39:05.000 Really?
01:39:06.000 It's hilarious.
01:39:07.000 I was like, wow, this is crazy. 1.00
01:39:08.000 Okay, so then let's pick apart gay. 1.00
01:39:11.000 So then high school is when I think the majority of homophobia, or at least for me, that's when I first ever heard homophobia. 0.86
01:39:19.000 Yeah.
01:39:19.000 It's like the F word or whatever.
01:39:22.000 I don't want to say it.
01:39:24.000 I'm trying not to say the bad words.
01:39:27.000 But the first time I ever heard about gay was I was in a shower with my cousins, and my cousin Jenny said, oh, these two guys, they're our uncles?
01:39:37.000 They're gay. 0.99
01:39:37.000 I said, what's that? 0.99
01:39:38.000 She goes, it's when two guys rub their dicks together. 0.99
01:39:40.000 And I was like, oh. 0.99
01:39:42.000 I was like, okay, weird.
01:39:43.000 The next time, one of my uncles had AIDS, and another uncle said, you're not gay, are you?
01:39:50.000 And I was like, I don't know.
01:39:52.000 I don't think I am.
01:39:54.000 How old were you at the time?
01:39:55.000 I must have been...
01:39:57.000 10? 0.99
01:39:58.000 Yeah, you're really getting pitched gay bad. 0.97
01:40:00.000 You're right. 1.00
01:40:02.000 Rubbing dicks together or getting AIDS. You're like, and I'm 10. You're like, what? 1.00
01:40:06.000 Am I gay?
01:40:06.000 What happened?
01:40:07.000 It was overwhelming.
01:40:11.000 And I know I'm straight because I saw Wonder Woman and I liked it.
01:40:16.000 Oh, okay.
01:40:17.000 That makes sense.
01:40:17.000 But a lot of gay guys saw Wonder Woman and they wanted to be her.
01:40:20.000 What about them?
01:40:21.000 They liked it too.
01:40:21.000 I didn't mind being her also.
01:40:23.000 Ooh.
01:40:24.000 Back to latex.
01:40:25.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:40:28.000 And quicksand porn and all that shit. 1.00
01:40:30.000 Quicksand porn? 1.00
01:40:31.000 Girls get stuck in quicksand, you fuck them while they're stuck? 1.00
01:40:34.000 No, you don't fuck them, Joe. 1.00
01:40:35.000 You just watch them go under and stop talking. 1.00
01:40:37.000 Oh, no. 0.83
01:40:40.000 You have to have seen quicksand porn. 0.95
01:40:43.000 No! 0.96
01:40:43.000 Come on. 0.96
01:40:44.000 No, I thought you were talking about like stuck in the dryer porn.
01:40:47.000 So, no.
01:40:47.000 Because there's a lot of that.
01:40:48.000 Stuck in the dryer.
01:40:49.000 Oh, yeah.
01:40:50.000 Where girls pretend. 0.99
01:40:51.000 I've seen that.
01:40:51.000 They bend over like, I can't get out of the dryer.
01:40:53.000 Will you help me?
01:40:54.000 And the guy's grabbing the girl's hips and trying to pull her. 0.57
01:40:56.000 I don't know why I can't get you out here.
01:40:58.000 She's like, oh my God, are you hard? 0.99
01:41:00.000 I'll make my wife look for my reading glasses under our bed and she doesn't know why she's looking. 1.00
01:41:04.000 Oh, that's hilarious.
01:41:05.000 I'm like, no, no, see if they're deeper under there.
01:41:07.000 Keep going.
01:41:07.000 Oh, that's funny.
01:41:08.000 I'm like, De Niro and Goodfellas.
01:41:09.000 No, no, it's just around the corner.
01:41:10.000 They're the most unrealistic plots ever. 1.00
01:41:12.000 A fucking dryer is so big. 1.00
01:41:13.000 How are you stuck? 1.00
01:41:15.000 It's still so hot!
01:41:16.000 It's still so hot!
01:41:17.000 Your whole body goes into that dryer.
01:41:19.000 How are you possibly stuck? 0.77
01:41:21.000 Oh, this is quicksand porn? 0.67
01:41:22.000 Stop, stop, stop, stop.
01:41:23.000 Hang on.
01:41:24.000 This is the...
01:41:24.000 Hold on.
01:41:25.000 This is the fucking... 1.00
01:41:27.000 White whale of quicksand porn, okay? 1.00
01:41:29.000 Okay. 0.99
01:41:29.000 So, hold on. 0.99
01:41:30.000 God damn it. 0.99
01:41:31.000 I didn't know this was a thing until right now. 0.99
01:41:33.000 This is amazing.
01:41:34.000 So, your sexuality, whatever you like sexually was imprinted on you in an age you don't remember and you don't know why.
01:41:39.000 This is a theory I have.
01:41:41.000 You have this own theory?
01:41:42.000 This is my theory.
01:41:43.000 You've developed this theory?
01:41:44.000 Because...
01:41:45.000 Quicksand porn, I heard about it, and what had happened is, we didn't get to see a lot of porn when we were kids, because porn wasn't out, but the only thing we got to see was a device plot, it was called Quicksand, because Cleopatra of the Nile had Quicksand in it, so then all TV shows started throwing Quicksand in it.
01:42:01.000 What was Cleopatra of the Nile?
01:42:03.000 Is that a movie?
01:42:04.000 Is that like Elizabeth Taylor?
01:42:05.000 It's like a big hit movie and they had quicksand as a plot device.
01:42:10.000 Quicksand was a thing in movies for a while.
01:42:12.000 You know who did a whole special about it?
01:42:16.000 Was NPR. No, not NPR. Radiolab.
01:42:20.000 Radiolab.
01:42:21.000 That's how I first learned about this.
01:42:22.000 They're called sinkers. 0.95
01:42:24.000 People that are into quicksand are called sinkers.
01:42:29.000 And you got imprinted sexually at a certain age.
01:42:32.000 So say you're into Wonder Woman, like myself.
01:42:34.000 I'm really into Wonder Woman.
01:42:35.000 Well, then I also don't mind a little bit of tying up, because Wonder Woman got tied up. 1.00
01:42:39.000 I don't mind a little bit of costume.
01:42:42.000 You like a lasso of truth.
01:42:43.000 I love a lasso of truth.
01:42:44.000 In your underwear, being told what to do.
01:42:47.000 So, quick snout.
01:42:49.000 Now, what we're getting to is the penultimate.
01:42:53.000 This is...
01:42:54.000 I can't believe you used that word.
01:42:55.000 I'm not sure I used it right.
01:42:56.000 I've never used that word.
01:42:57.000 I've read it.
01:42:58.000 I don't know what it means.
01:42:59.000 Penultimate? 0.99
01:42:59.000 I think it's like the fucking super ultimate, right? 0.99
01:43:01.000 It sounds like it, right? 0.99
01:43:02.000 Yeah.
01:43:03.000 Okay, Adventures of O-Girl Struggle Sand with Christina Carter.
01:43:07.000 Wow, she's hot. 1.00
01:43:08.000 She is hot, and she's got a costume on, which imprints me from when I saw Wonder Woman. 0.99
01:43:12.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
01:43:14.000 So this lady's whole deal is she makes videos where she gets stuck in sand? 1.00
01:43:18.000 Oh, give me some volume. 1.00
01:43:20.000 This is fucking... 0.99
01:43:21.000 Oh... 1.00
01:43:21.000 Hold on. 1.00
01:43:22.000 No, there was some dialogue.
01:43:24.000 Here, something happened between her and the other girl.
01:43:26.000 Before she walked in, Jamie.
01:43:29.000 Thank you, Felina.
01:43:31.000 The gig is up.
01:43:33.000 The gig is up.
01:43:34.000 Well, hello, oh girl.
01:43:35.000 Nice of you to drop by.
01:43:39.000 Sure it is.
01:43:40.000 What do you think of my new kitty box?
01:43:45.000 Very nice place, Felina.
01:43:47.000 I'm taking you in.
01:43:49.000 Oh, she's taking her in.
01:43:50.000 She's a superhero. 0.99
01:44:05.000 Struggle sand.
01:44:05.000 Struggle sand.
01:44:07.000 Now mind you, Joe, look at the artwork in the back.
01:44:09.000 Does that remind you a little bit of the Brady Bunch?
01:44:11.000 A little bit.
01:44:11.000 Yeah, right?
01:44:12.000 So this is all trying to imprint on the shit that nostalgically reminds you of sex. 1.00
01:44:18.000 This is my theory. 1.00
01:44:19.000 The Brady Bunch reminds you of sex? 0.84
01:44:21.000 Yeah, of course. 0.62
01:44:22.000 Look at this like she's in the sand.
01:44:24.000 Yeah, the best part's coming up. 1.00
01:44:25.000 When she pulls her tits out? 1.00
01:44:26.000 Nope. 1.00
01:44:27.000 When her tits hit the sand. 1.00
01:44:28.000 Right here, when her tits hit the door. 1.00
01:44:31.000 That's what's good? 0.99
01:44:32.000 That's the best part of quicksand. 0.70
01:44:33.000 You see a little areola on that right nipple, am I right? 0.97
01:44:36.000 Yeah. 0.88
01:44:36.000 A little bit. 0.88
01:44:37.000 You see the shadow.
01:44:39.000 How do they get away with that on YouTube? 0.99
01:44:40.000 She got some giant ass areolas. 1.00
01:44:42.000 This is not on YouTube. 0.98
01:44:43.000 This is definitely not on YouTube.
01:44:44.000 And now she's going under.
01:44:46.000 So they wouldn't have this on YouTube?
01:44:47.000 No, I'm not on YouTube is what I'm saying.
01:44:49.000 Okay.
01:44:50.000 But why couldn't you have this on YouTube?
01:44:52.000 This is the best part.
01:44:52.000 Oh, that areola is full bloom.
01:44:54.000 You're talking over the best part.
01:44:55.000 Look at that.
01:44:56.000 Am I? The screaming?
01:44:57.000 No, the fucking... 1.00
01:44:58.000 The boobs in the sand are the thing. 1.00
01:45:01.000 Oh.
01:45:01.000 That's the thing.
01:45:02.000 That's the thing.
01:45:03.000 Look, and they know how to milk the thing. 0.99
01:45:06.000 Okay.
01:45:07.000 And so all this is like...
01:45:09.000 They stop milking it. 1.00
01:45:10.000 The shit you didn't pick that hits you. 1.00
01:45:13.000 Right? 1.00
01:45:13.000 Like, for whatever reason, you're... 1.00
01:45:15.000 Does she die?
01:45:16.000 Pfft.
01:45:17.000 No, she'll stop talking. 0.97
01:45:18.000 How does she get out of this?
01:45:19.000 We don't watch the whole thing.
01:45:20.000 The suspense is killing me.
01:45:22.000 It's going to get up to her eyeballs. 1.00
01:45:23.000 Only time will tell.
01:45:25.000 That's it?
01:45:25.000 That's it.
01:45:25.000 She's good.
01:45:26.000 Tune in next time.
01:45:27.000 No, this is like a woman-hating thing. 1.00
01:45:29.000 It's like men who hate women, they want them to drown. 0.99
01:45:31.000 No, no, no. 0.99
01:45:32.000 There's a bunch of them? 0.79
01:45:33.000 Well, the ones outdoors are pretty fucking hot. 0.94
01:45:34.000 So does she just keep sinking underwater? 0.62
01:45:36.000 They're not all necessarily...
01:45:37.000 Like, there's a hundred of them. 0.99
01:45:39.000 Look at all these fucking... 1.00
01:45:39.000 Go to Dana Knight. 1.00
01:45:41.000 But look at all these fucking screenshots. 1.00
01:45:42.000 It's all her sinking in sand. 1.00
01:45:44.000 That's her whole game. 0.97
01:45:45.000 Oh, there's the titties. 0.97
01:45:46.000 There. 0.91
01:45:46.000 Oh, go to that one. 0.91
01:45:47.000 Quicksand date.
01:45:48.000 Yeah, look at that one.
01:45:49.000 That's a good one.
01:45:50.000 So that one, now she's got full bloom.
01:45:52.000 She's going to have to hide that from the general public. 0.98
01:45:55.000 I'm not doing any of this.
01:45:56.000 They have to look it up themselves.
01:45:57.000 We've explained it well enough.
01:45:58.000 Yeah, I believe so.
01:45:59.000 So she's on a date.
01:46:00.000 See, this one you just cut to, oh my god, where'd my clothes go?
01:46:04.000 Yeah.
01:46:04.000 Is this the same lady?
01:46:05.000 No.
01:46:07.000 I don't think so. 1.00
01:46:07.000 By the way, these are actually dangerous as fucking shit. 1.00
01:46:09.000 What is? 1.00
01:46:10.000 These quicksand ones.
01:46:12.000 That's not quicksand, buddy.
01:46:14.000 That's not quicksand.
01:46:14.000 That's just a hole she dug.
01:46:15.000 Just a hole.
01:46:15.000 That's nonsense.
01:46:16.000 She's just getting her tits dirty. 1.00
01:46:19.000 That's not quicksand. 0.99
01:46:20.000 But it's interesting that you don't have a choice on this stuff.
01:46:23.000 The dominator told me this.
01:46:26.000 You don't have a choice on the stuff that you're into.
01:46:29.000 It's stuff that, in a weird way, you showed up, you walked into, and then that was playing on the TV, maybe?
01:46:34.000 You know, have you ever heard of like...
01:46:37.000 I met a gay dude one time who said that he knew he was gay, but he didn't know why he was gay. 0.99
01:46:48.000 None of this shit showed up on the radar as a kid. 0.99
01:46:51.000 Does that make sense? 0.99
01:46:52.000 Yeah.
01:46:53.000 Like, he didn't have a lisp.
01:46:55.000 He didn't...
01:46:56.000 Yeah.
01:46:56.000 Yeah, he didn't want to wear women's clothes.
01:46:58.000 None of this shit showed up, and I was like, that's fucking crazy. 0.99
01:47:00.000 Because I remember seeing Wonder Woman being turned on as a kid. 0.99
01:47:04.000 I remember looking at Vogue magazine and going, and this sounds insane, but being depressed, because I thought I may never get that girl.
01:47:12.000 You know?
01:47:12.000 Huh.
01:47:14.000 You were depressed because you thought you may never get that girl.
01:47:17.000 Yeah.
01:47:18.000 You'd see a beautiful woman in Vogue and I'd go, I may never get her. 0.99
01:47:21.000 That fucking bums me out. 0.99
01:47:22.000 She's beautiful. 1.00
01:47:23.000 That very specific girl?
01:47:24.000 I don't even remember.
01:47:25.000 She was on a boat.
01:47:25.000 So just because of magazines.
01:47:27.000 Like seeing people that were represented in magazines.
01:47:30.000 Yeah.
01:47:31.000 Because nowadays kids are on the spectrum of sexuality and I'm not...
01:47:36.000 Certain is the same as when we were because like when we were it was almost like we were influenced by the zeitgeist for sure Yeah, we were born and I remember them talking about this.
01:47:46.000 We were born straight or born gay wasn't a choice I would argue now.
01:47:51.000 It's probably on the spectrum of choice for kids I think some people choose it.
01:47:57.000 I think some people are curious. 0.55
01:47:58.000 But I think a lot of people are just born gay. 0.97
01:48:01.000 But hang on. 1.00
01:48:02.000 Because I would argue if you're curious, you're gay. 1.00
01:48:05.000 That's how I grew up.
01:48:06.000 Have you ever been curious?
01:48:08.000 No.
01:48:08.000 But I think people are more open-minded to it now.
01:48:12.000 Especially girls. 0.99
01:48:13.000 It seems like girls are trying more lesbianism. 1.00
01:48:16.000 It's like when things are accepted by society, and not just accepted but actually celebrated, Sometimes people, and there's no negative consequences.
01:48:26.000 I have a whole joke about it, about girls doing gay stuff. 1.00
01:48:29.000 No one cares.
01:48:30.000 But the difference is that like, you know, like LBGT rights are like, which is so weird that they're all connected together, right? 0.99
01:48:41.000 But that people are trying to be more open-minded about stuff.
01:48:45.000 So they're more accepting of what you used to call alternative lifestyles.
01:48:51.000 You know, when I lived in San Francisco, I went from San Francisco to Florida.
01:48:55.000 You lived in Florida?
01:48:56.000 Lived in Gainesville.
01:48:58.000 Wait, for real?
01:49:00.000 Yeah.
01:49:00.000 When?
01:49:01.000 When I was 11 until I was 13. And then we moved to Boston.
01:49:07.000 Wow.
01:49:07.000 Yeah.
01:49:08.000 So I lived in Gainesville.
01:49:09.000 You lived in Gainesville?
01:49:10.000 Yeah.
01:49:11.000 What got your mom to Gainesville?
01:49:12.000 My stepdad was going to college there.
01:49:15.000 For real?
01:49:15.000 Yeah.
01:49:16.000 He was finishing up his degree there.
01:49:18.000 That's right around the time they were making Gatorade.
01:49:21.000 I think so.
01:49:21.000 Well, there was alligators there.
01:49:23.000 I saw alligators all the fucking time. 0.99
01:49:24.000 Lake Alice. 0.99
01:49:25.000 You know where Lake Alice is, right?
01:49:26.000 Of course.
01:49:26.000 Dude, I have a bit I've been trying to work out about...
01:49:30.000 I tried to do it last night, a little bit on stage, about growing up in Florida, there's so many predators that you grow up a little bit afraid.
01:49:37.000 Yeah, I saw you talking about that, about the giraffes.
01:49:39.000 That was very funny.
01:49:40.000 No, no, no.
01:49:41.000 There's something more to that.
01:49:42.000 There's something more to it.
01:49:43.000 So, like...
01:49:44.000 When we were in Hawaii, I was in Hawaii with my girls, and we were with this Hawaiian guy, and he was very casual and very loose, and I said, the guy seems like he has no anxiety, and Isla, my youngest, goes, yeah, they have no snakes here, Dad.
01:49:57.000 Imagine if you grew up without snakes.
01:49:59.000 Oh, yeah.
01:49:59.000 And then I was like...
01:50:00.000 Well, Florida now.
01:50:02.000 Dude, Florida is...
01:50:03.000 Infested. 1.00
01:50:04.000 Fucking... 1.00
01:50:06.000 Pythons, rattlesnakes, moccasins, alligators, lightning. 1.00
01:50:10.000 I mean, the shit I grew up with. 1.00
01:50:12.000 Iguanas. 1.00
01:50:12.000 Sexual predators when I was a kid is when Adam Walsh got kidnapped. 1.00
01:50:16.000 So I grew up with terror.
01:50:18.000 I never once went water skiing and fell in the water and was like, oh, that was fun.
01:50:23.000 You kept your feet up and you're like, I'm good.
01:50:25.000 Come get me.
01:50:26.000 Get me the fuck out of the water. 1.00
01:50:27.000 Because there's fucking dinosaurs that will eat you. 1.00
01:50:29.000 I would never go water skiing in Florida. 1.00
01:50:32.000 You're out of your fucking mind. 1.00
01:50:34.000 We did it every fucking day. 1.00
01:50:35.000 Dude, fuck that. 1.00
01:50:37.000 Fuck that. 1.00
01:50:39.000 When I lived in Florida, I remember clearly some lady was walking her dog and the dog got jacked. 1.00
01:50:45.000 By an alligator.
01:50:46.000 When I was a little kid.
01:50:47.000 And they were still protected back then.
01:50:49.000 My point was, when I went from San Francisco, where I lived in San Francisco, my next door neighbor was this gay couple, and my aunt, who was staying with us at the time, used to go next door and smoke pot And play bongos with the gay guys. 0.90
01:51:05.000 They would all get naked and they would be playing bongos together and she loved the fact that she'd get naked with these gay guys and they didn't care about her because they were gay. 0.68
01:51:12.000 And so it was like completely normal to me to be around gay people. 0.68
01:51:15.000 Then I went to Gainesville and I was friends with this Cuban kid and his dad.
01:51:21.000 His dad was so mad because they were trying to give people gay marriage.
01:51:26.000 And I remember he threw the newspaper down on the kitchen table. 0.99
01:51:31.000 He's like, I can't fucking believe this. 0.99
01:51:32.000 They want to get fucking married. 0.99
01:51:34.000 And I was like, what do you care? 0.99
01:51:35.000 It was so weird to me that I was 11 years old.
01:51:38.000 And then I realized in that moment, I go, oh, there's some thing.
01:51:42.000 And I realize it's at 11. There's some things that distract people.
01:51:48.000 And that you think are important, but they're not.
01:51:52.000 They're just like cultural beach balls that get tossed around at a concert, where people just throw a thing around. 0.98
01:51:59.000 It fucking means nothing to you. 1.00
01:52:02.000 The only people that it should matter to are the gay people that want to get married. 1.00
01:52:05.000 But to this guy, who's a married guy with a kid who is my friend, his kid was my buddy, and I'm over his house, To him, gay people getting married was like, what the fuck? 1.00
01:52:17.000 He was so mad. 1.00
01:52:18.000 Threw the newspaper down. 1.00
01:52:20.000 The fuck is this? 1.00
01:52:21.000 And I was like, wow. 1.00
01:52:23.000 You got distracted.
01:52:24.000 Like, you're getting distracted by something that doesn't mean anything.
01:52:27.000 Like, why would you care at all?
01:52:28.000 Oh, it's how they do...
01:52:30.000 It's everything.
01:52:31.000 No, it's how they do prank shows.
01:52:35.000 Someone explain this to me.
01:52:36.000 The way to prank someone is to make them think they're watching the prank.
01:52:41.000 When you distract the person being pranked and go, you're watching the prank, then that's how you prank them.
01:52:47.000 It's what you're saying.
01:52:50.000 The same way you get pickpocketed is they hit you with one thing while they do the other thing.
01:52:55.000 So what that is is this guy's getting pickpocketed.
01:52:58.000 He's getting distracted by the bump, gay marriage, when the government's coming at him from the other way going, now that we got you there, let's talk about the thing we really brought you to talk about.
01:53:07.000 That's the thing we want to change your mind on.
01:53:08.000 I don't even know if it's that calculated that the government does it in a calculated manner.
01:53:13.000 I think it's a human nature thing.
01:53:15.000 I think human beings naturally distract themselves with nonsense.
01:53:20.000 That it's a common characteristic.
01:53:22.000 And that leads to distraction.
01:53:25.000 It leads to procrastination.
01:53:26.000 It leads to being unfulfilled in your life.
01:53:31.000 You get trapped and super hyper-focused on things to the point where you're not even thinking about the important things in your life.
01:53:41.000 Yeah, but I do that in a negative way. 0.99
01:53:43.000 That's why I don't fuck with comments. 0.99
01:53:45.000 Of course. 1.00
01:53:46.000 Everybody does. 0.96
01:53:47.000 Yeah, but comments would fuck me up, and then I had to get off it entirely.
01:53:51.000 I had to hire someone, because I go...
01:53:53.000 I remember...
01:53:54.000 I think I told you this.
01:53:56.000 I apologize if I'm telling you it again.
01:53:59.000 I went back into the comments one time. 0.97
01:54:01.000 One fucking time this last year. 0.98
01:54:03.000 One time I read a comment. 1.00
01:54:05.000 And it was fucking... 0.99
01:54:06.000 Louis J. Gomez posted a video about Brendan Schaub. 0.99
01:54:10.000 And I didn't like...
01:54:11.000 It always bothered me because I like Brendan. 0.99
01:54:12.000 He's a fucking sweet guy. 0.98
01:54:15.000 And, uh... 0.99
01:54:16.000 But, you know, Curious Burt's like, I wonder what the comments say.
01:54:19.000 So I go into the comments.
01:54:20.000 Like, going, like, I should be safe here, right?
01:54:22.000 The first comment is, you know Burt Kreischer's reading these comments. 1.00
01:54:27.000 Damn! 1.00
01:54:28.000 And I'm like, motherfucker, I'm not even safe in these comments. 1.00
01:54:32.000 Like, so I don't fuck with comments because it would ruin a day, a great day that I had at home. 1.00
01:54:35.000 It would ruin a day if someone, one guy, who threw a Molotov cocktail into my business. 0.99
01:54:40.000 He was already on to the next business. 1.00
01:54:42.000 He's a fucking marcher. 1.00
01:54:44.000 He's throwing Molotovs in everyone's fucking comments. 1.00
01:54:47.000 But it would fuck my day up and I was like, I can't give that guy that power. 0.99
01:54:50.000 No, you shouldn't.
01:54:51.000 And also, you should recognize that what it is is Look, there's good and bad, and you can't get around the bad to get the good.
01:55:05.000 It's not like you could eliminate all the negative comments in order to get what's interesting about the internet.
01:55:11.000 What's interesting about the internet is freedom.
01:55:13.000 You would have done the same thing if you were 17 years old and you had a Twitter account.
01:55:17.000 I would have done the same thing.
01:55:19.000 I've done it.
01:55:20.000 I've done it. 0.99
01:55:21.000 I did it to fucking Bourdain one time. 0.98
01:55:23.000 What'd you do? 1.00
01:55:24.000 My fucking dumb cunt self saw him on a picture of a private jet. 1.00
01:55:29.000 He took a picture on a private jet, and I was like, I fucking said something shitty. 1.00
01:55:34.000 And by the way, I used it in my own account and I just said something shitty. 0.98
01:55:37.000 And then someone hit me up and they were like, hey man, if you were on a private jet, wouldn't you take a picture?
01:55:45.000 And then they sent me a picture of me on a private jet taking a picture of myself. 0.98
01:55:48.000 And I was like, oh fuck, I did the exact same thing I'm being shitty about. 0.98
01:55:51.000 And Bourdain was one of my heroes. 0.99
01:55:54.000 But I guess I looked at it.
01:55:55.000 He was a hero of mine because I was a travel channel at the time.
01:55:58.000 It's a Twitter thing, too.
01:55:59.000 It's the virtue signal aspect of Twitter that some people find just irresistible.
01:56:04.000 Yeah.
01:56:05.000 It's a gross thing.
01:56:07.000 It's disgusting.
01:56:08.000 I block people sometimes. 1.00
01:56:10.000 Like I told you, I got back on Twitter because of your fucking goddamn tweet, your goddamn fucking thing. 1.00
01:56:16.000 Hit me up at, what was my name? 1.00
01:56:20.000 Oops, I did it Asian.
01:56:22.000 That's my Twitter handle.
01:56:23.000 Oops, I did it what?
01:56:24.000 Asian.
01:56:25.000 Asian?
01:56:25.000 Yeah.
01:56:26.000 I was trying to say, oops, I did it again, and I misspelled it, and it came out Asian, and it was available, so I took it.
01:56:32.000 So, hit me up.
01:56:35.000 So, I don't remember what I was saying.
01:56:39.000 I don't remember what you're saying for sure. 0.99
01:56:41.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.98
01:56:43.000 Have I ever said anything important? 1.00
01:56:44.000 Chinese robot dick-sucking machines that aren't really... 0.99
01:56:48.000 Oh, I got onto Chris Rocks. 0.99
01:56:49.000 Because the one thing I missed about Twitter was the news.
01:56:52.000 The news feed's pretty good on Twitter.
01:56:54.000 Yeah, the news feed's great.
01:56:55.000 So the only person I follow is Elon Musk. 0.97
01:56:57.000 And so I fucking look and it's Chris Rocks trending. 0.96
01:57:00.000 And obviously, if not the reason I got into stand-up, one of the two reasons. 0.93
01:57:07.000 And I saw people commenting negative about his special, and I just went on this Oops I Did It Asian podcast, and I blocked them.
01:57:15.000 Because they don't know it's me. 1.00
01:57:16.000 I go, fuck you. 1.00
01:57:16.000 I don't ever want to hear what you say ever again. 1.00
01:57:18.000 You don't like the thing I don't like? 1.00
01:57:19.000 Fuck you. 1.00
01:57:20.000 And I blocked all these people that said negative shit about Chris Rock. 1.00
01:57:23.000 It felt so good. 0.99
01:57:23.000 I don't mind people saying negative shit about things I like. 0.99
01:57:26.000 I like to know how people think. 0.86
01:57:28.000 If people are thinking different, it's interesting.
01:57:31.000 I don't agree with them. 0.98
01:57:33.000 You know, I've heard people say, I heard people talking shit about Chris's special. 0.99
01:57:38.000 And they were talking shit about how he was calling out Jada and Will and all that. 1.00
01:57:42.000 Like, shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:57:44.000 If anybody should be doing that, it's him. 1.00
01:57:46.000 You want to talk about that's humiliating?
01:57:49.000 What do you think it's like getting slapped in front of the whole world on the Oscars?
01:57:55.000 But if anything that's great for us as stand-ups, that reignited Chris Rock.
01:58:00.000 Yeah. 0.98
01:58:01.000 Reignited the old Chris Rock that doesn't give a fuck, that's not trying to be a movie star. 0.99
01:58:05.000 I think when those people clapped for Will Smith, I think that was him realizing, what the fuck am I doing with these people? 0.99
01:58:14.000 And what I identify with about the Chris Rock slap was... 0.72
01:58:19.000 I don't think anyone realizes, and I apologize if this is not the life Chris had, but Chris was a smaller dude growing up in Brooklyn, when Brooklyn was Brooklyn.
01:58:28.000 You know there were guys that took liberties with him as a young guy.
01:58:33.000 How you become a comedian.
01:58:34.000 I've been slapped, I've told you about a few slaps, but I've been slapped a bunch.
01:58:38.000 And I didn't do anything.
01:58:40.000 And what you do is you end up being the guy laying in bed, and you can't go to sleep because you're destroying that person in your head.
01:58:46.000 And that's how you deform a comic's brain.
01:58:48.000 So when he did that, that was the actual watching of what turned Chris into a comic, re-turn him into a comic.
01:58:55.000 Wow!
01:58:57.000 I didn't even look at it that way.
01:58:58.000 That's all I saw was like, yeah man, that's all of us that were the bigger guy got to take advantage of the little guy, and then we became comics, and they go, don't worry, don't worry.
01:59:08.000 One day, one day, I'm going to destroy you when you can't handle it.
01:59:12.000 Dude, that definitely happened to me. 0.97
01:59:16.000 And that's why I root for that guy.
01:59:19.000 Yeah, I got picked on and I just learned how to fight.
01:59:22.000 You're a different dude.
01:59:23.000 I was like, okay, I've got to solve this problem.
01:59:25.000 You need to understand no one's like you.
01:59:27.000 And I know that you think everyone's like you.
01:59:28.000 No one's like you.
01:59:29.000 That's why I want to write a self-help book.
01:59:31.000 No one can be you.
01:59:32.000 No one can be you, right?
01:59:34.000 But everyone can be like me.
01:59:38.000 I don't know if everyone can be like you.
01:59:40.000 Everyone has an opportunity.
01:59:41.000 I don't think everyone can keep up with you partying.
01:59:44.000 You're not normal. 0.99
01:59:45.000 Whatever your appetite for alcohol and your ability to digest it, the fact that it was only fucked up by blood pressure medication, it's insanity. 1.00
01:59:55.000 People drinking half as much would be dead.
01:59:58.000 I think people misremember how much I drink.
02:00:02.000 Misremember? 1.00
02:00:02.000 I've been there, motherfucker. 1.00
02:00:04.000 When you hear this story, people are going to go, he drank this whole bottle. 1.00
02:00:05.000 I did not.
02:00:05.000 Not today, but I've been with you when you go down.
02:00:09.000 Oh, you don't think it makes me seethe inside to watch you guys do Protect My Parks and go, let me drink with those motherfuckers. 1.00
02:00:16.000 You want to see people throw up? 1.00
02:00:19.000 You want to see private videos of people throwing up on tables?
02:00:21.000 I'll show you private videos.
02:00:22.000 That's not necessarily what Protect Our Parks is about. 0.98
02:00:25.000 It's not about just getting fucked up. 0.97
02:00:28.000 It's about interesting conversations amongst friends. 0.98
02:00:30.000 You know, it's not all about the drugs.
02:00:33.000 It's the best part. 1.00
02:00:34.000 These two motherfuckers wearing sunglasses? 1.00
02:00:41.000 And drinking, I love. 1.00
02:00:44.000 You know, those are my four favorite people to drink with.
02:00:47.000 You, Shane, Ari, and Mark are my four favorite people to drink with. 0.99
02:00:51.000 If Ari had never drugged me, we would have the best fucking life. 0.99
02:00:54.000 Well, you gotta let that go. 0.99
02:00:56.000 I can't let it go.
02:00:57.000 Leanne can't let it go. 0.99
02:00:58.000 I let it go, but I can't have him on fucking Fully Loaded. 0.98
02:01:01.000 You know how much I'd love... 0.95
02:01:02.000 How great would Ari Shafir be on?
02:01:04.000 Your wife won't let you have him on Fully Loaded?
02:01:06.000 No.
02:01:06.000 My daughter's...
02:01:07.000 Ari, it's time to send flowers.
02:01:10.000 I wish Ari had any... 1.00
02:01:11.000 I love you, Ari.
02:01:12.000 I love you.
02:01:13.000 I wish he had any accountability in his life.
02:01:17.000 Even...
02:01:17.000 Maybe he will now that he's more successful.
02:01:19.000 Life has shined upon him.
02:01:21.000 I would love.
02:01:23.000 I'm in New York this week.
02:01:24.000 Flowers and chocolates.
02:01:25.000 Ari Shafir.
02:01:26.000 I'm in New York.
02:01:28.000 I'm in New York this week promoting my special, Razzle Dazzle, streaming right now on Netflix.
02:01:32.000 Ari, do me a favor.
02:01:33.000 I'll hit up Ari privately.
02:01:35.000 Look at that guy.
02:01:36.000 Look at that watch.
02:01:38.000 Take what?
02:01:39.000 Look at that shoulder, Joe. 0.99
02:01:40.000 That's a fucking legit breast and shoulder. 1.00
02:01:42.000 What are you saying? 0.99
02:01:43.000 I see the good parts of my body.
02:01:45.000 What are you saying about Ari? 0.82
02:01:48.000 What do you want him to do? 0.99
02:01:49.000 I want him to make fucking good with my wife. 1.00
02:01:52.000 How's that going to be possible? 0.99
02:01:54.000 Because he...
02:01:54.000 What would he have to do?
02:01:55.000 It's impossible.
02:01:57.000 It's impossible because Ari, I love him.
02:01:59.000 Maybe you'd have to do Molly with your wife. 1.00
02:02:01.000 No.
02:02:02.000 He doesn't have the ability...
02:02:03.000 That would be the way that would let it go. 1.00
02:02:04.000 He doesn't have the ability to see past his fuck up. 0.99
02:02:08.000 Because he's never been married, so he never had to compromise with people. 0.99
02:02:11.000 So for Ari, when you're a bachelor...
02:02:14.000 My dad told me this.
02:02:15.000 When you're a bachelor for long enough...
02:02:17.000 You end up becoming set in your ways where the only person you have to make happy is yourself.
02:02:22.000 And so you make sure that that guy's taken care of first.
02:02:24.000 When you get married, and I'm sure you're going to understand this, you start realizing my wants and needs are part of a team's wants and needs.
02:02:30.000 And so I need to make sure everyone's happy.
02:02:32.000 So you learn compromise at an age usually where then you learn to compromise with everybody.
02:02:39.000 You text me and go, hey, can we do 130?
02:02:41.000 Maybe a broken guy goes...
02:02:43.000 Fine!
02:02:44.000 And gets upset.
02:02:44.000 I go, yeah, of course, buddy.
02:02:46.000 I get it.
02:02:46.000 I get it.
02:02:47.000 I know your life.
02:02:47.000 I know you probably woke up late because we were out late.
02:02:50.000 You gotta walk the dog.
02:02:51.000 You gotta play with the dog.
02:02:52.000 You gotta work out.
02:02:52.000 And I understand that.
02:02:54.000 I had already apologized to Leigh-Anne one time. 0.88
02:02:57.000 He wrote something shitty about Georgia on Instagram, and it was mean, and it fucked up our vacation, and Leanne hated him. 0.59
02:03:05.000 And I said, trust me, he knows he's wrong. 0.96
02:03:08.000 And I said, at Tom's house, me and Tom set it up.
02:03:12.000 And we let Leanne and Ari go into the kitchen, and we all went outside.
02:03:17.000 And I told Ari, all you gotta do is apologize.
02:03:20.000 Just apologize.
02:03:21.000 Just apologize.
02:03:22.000 No questions.
02:03:22.000 Just apologize.
02:03:23.000 Here's Ari.
02:03:24.000 She'll understand it.
02:03:25.000 Please, Ari.
02:03:25.000 Everyone loves you.
02:03:26.000 Everyone loves you. 1.00
02:03:27.000 Leanne came out of that kitchen and goes, Ari is broken as fuck. 1.00
02:03:31.000 And Ari walked out behind her and goes, how can I apologize? 0.99
02:03:34.000 It was a joke.
02:03:34.000 It was a joke.
02:03:35.000 And I was like, goddammit, Ari, you could have.
02:03:38.000 And then Leanne forgave him.
02:03:39.000 Forgave him because she's married.
02:03:40.000 She knows what it's like.
02:03:42.000 I want this.
02:03:42.000 I wish this was past us.
02:03:44.000 I don't think it will.
02:03:45.000 You know, the drugging thing.
02:03:46.000 Because I would love to have him all fully loaded.
02:03:48.000 He would be the perfect.
02:03:51.000 He's probably better.
02:03:52.000 He's not.
02:03:53.000 You think?
02:03:53.000 Yeah.
02:03:54.000 Let it go.
02:03:55.000 If he's not willing to apologize for a joke about your daughter, how's he going to apologize for the drugging you?
02:04:03.000 He just won't.
02:04:04.000 Maybe that's why you like him.
02:04:06.000 Keep him away from your family.
02:04:07.000 It's like Slash used to connect poison to snakes.
02:04:10.000 I'm not taking Ari on vacation. 0.69
02:04:13.000 Like, hey, Ari, why don't you come with me and my family on vacation?
02:04:16.000 You know what disaster that would be?
02:04:19.000 Ari's doing acid by the pool.
02:04:21.000 He's like, what are you doing?
02:04:22.000 He's like, I don't know.
02:04:23.000 I don't know where I am.
02:04:25.000 I'm like, Dad, what's wrong with your friend?
02:04:27.000 Oh, my friend's on acid.
02:04:29.000 Why is he making out with his dog?
02:04:33.000 He tongue kisses with his dog.
02:04:35.000 He does tongue kiss with his dog! 1.00
02:04:36.000 What the fuck is wrong with that? 1.00
02:04:37.000 He's the best. 0.98
02:04:38.000 The best is when people don't know him that work with me, and then they'll hear me talk on the phone with Ari.
02:04:44.000 Or like Pete, my assistant Pete you met last night.
02:04:47.000 Yeah.
02:04:49.000 One night we all hung out, Ari was with us, and then Ari leaves and he goes, I get why you like that guy.
02:04:54.000 I go, yeah.
02:04:56.000 There's like, it's a poisonous snake.
02:04:59.000 It's a beautiful animal.
02:05:02.000 Yeah.
02:05:03.000 He's a poisonous snake. 0.84
02:05:05.000 Ari's awesome. 0.81
02:05:06.000 I've been friends with Ari since he was a door guy.
02:05:09.000 I was friends with him when he was like first starting out at the Comedy Store.
02:05:12.000 He's a young guy in his 20s.
02:05:15.000 Just got here from...
02:05:16.000 I guess he got here from Maryland.
02:05:18.000 I think he's Jerusalem.
02:05:19.000 Where's that?
02:05:20.000 Are we doing tequila now?
02:05:21.000 What is that?
02:05:22.000 I have no idea.
02:05:23.000 Is that tequila?
02:05:23.000 Los Sundays?
02:05:24.000 Yeah.
02:05:25.000 Get in there, sir.
02:05:27.000 I love Ari.
02:05:28.000 I miss Joey.
02:05:30.000 Yeah, I miss Joey too.
02:05:31.000 Gotta fly Joey out for this club.
02:05:33.000 Is he coming out?
02:05:34.000 Yeah, I gotta figure out when.
02:05:35.000 When to have him come out.
02:05:38.000 See what he's doing.
02:05:39.000 You know, I know he's been doing some stand-up in New Jersey.
02:05:43.000 Really?
02:05:44.000 Yeah, it's the same thing that I was saying about Theo.
02:05:46.000 You gotta have your tribe.
02:05:49.000 When you're alone by yourself in some city, even if you're doing stand-up, it's like you're missing the hang.
02:05:55.000 That's a big part of what we do is the hang.
02:05:57.000 That's why last night was so fun.
02:05:59.000 That's why all those people that weren't even on the show came by to hang out.
02:06:03.000 Ron came by, Tim Dillon came by, Adrian came by.
02:06:07.000 I'll tell you the other part.
02:06:08.000 You don't get this often.
02:06:10.000 I got it last night.
02:06:13.000 Is when you're the fifth most famous person in a room, you're not the most famous person in a room.
02:06:21.000 So what sucks, I don't mean it sucks, but what sucks currently for me is that I don't get to sit and listen and drink it in.
02:06:30.000 It's like I'm sitting with you, Jim, Ron, Tony Hinchko's in there, Mark Smalls is in there, we're all in there, but mostly, and Mark Smalls texted me this morning, he's like, it was fun watching you listen. 0.92
02:06:40.000 Hold that thought, I gotta piss again. 0.99
02:06:42.000 God damn it, Joe. 1.00
02:06:43.000 Fun watching listen. 1.00
02:06:44.000 I'm super hydrated right now.
02:06:45.000 I've never felt better. 0.74
02:06:48.000 Is my cum affected by testosterone? 0.95
02:06:51.000 We'll find out. 0.97
02:06:52.000 I didn't cum a lot today. 0.79
02:06:53.000 I'll let you know. 0.63
02:06:56.000 What were we talking about?
02:06:57.000 We were talking about...
02:06:58.000 You were talking about being...
02:06:59.000 That you were listening.
02:07:02.000 Because it was such a hang.
02:07:03.000 Because there's so many people.
02:07:05.000 I get stuck in rooms...
02:07:06.000 I get stuck in rooms where I'm the person that...
02:07:11.000 That sold the arena, right?
02:07:13.000 Or like sold the movie or did the thing.
02:07:15.000 And so I find myself, and I find it gross, I find myself talking.
02:07:18.000 Or in LA, I'll talk to a lot of comics and then they'll go, like comics I respect, they'll go like, so tell me what I can do to grow my podcast or tell me what to do with the podcast or this thing.
02:07:29.000 I don't mean this arrogant, I just mean it as like a self-awareness.
02:07:32.000 Is last night, Mark Smalls texted me this morning and said it's fun being there and fun listening.
02:07:38.000 And I was like, yeah, man, I don't listen anymore because I got to a place where I got to a place where maybe I'm putting myself in the room.
02:07:47.000 I put myself in rooms where I talk a lot.
02:07:49.000 And I'm a natural talker.
02:07:50.000 I talk a lot.
02:07:51.000 But it was fun last night, like, listening to you.
02:07:54.000 You talked a lot last night. 1.00
02:07:56.000 I don't know what the fuck you're saying. 0.99
02:07:57.000 I didn't talk at all. 1.00
02:07:58.000 You were there.
02:07:59.000 Jamie, did I talk a lot?
02:08:00.000 Jamie, he was talking a lot.
02:08:01.000 No, I don't know. 0.99
02:08:02.000 I'm just fucking around. 0.99
02:08:03.000 I'm just fucking around. 0.99
02:08:05.000 No, it's fun. 1.00
02:08:06.000 Look, the hang is the best part, man.
02:08:08.000 Well, that's the thing.
02:08:09.000 It's the hang.
02:08:09.000 You get to listen to Ron White tell stories and listen to Jim Norton.
02:08:13.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.97
02:08:15.000 I got to meet Adrienne last night. 0.99
02:08:17.000 That was the first time meeting her. 0.99
02:08:18.000 She's fucking funny. 0.99
02:08:19.000 Adrienne Appalucci? 1.00
02:08:19.000 She's fucking funny. 1.00
02:08:21.000 She's great. 1.00
02:08:22.000 She's very funny.
02:08:24.000 She's really funny.
02:08:25.000 Yeah, very funny and cool to hang with.
02:08:28.000 She did some woke show, she said.
02:08:30.000 They weren't really into it.
02:08:32.000 Are there woke shows?
02:08:34.000 I don't know.
02:08:35.000 It's South by Southwest.
02:08:37.000 You're connected to a lot of tech people and very strange entertainment people.
02:08:44.000 It's like you're dealing with the people that clapped when Will Smith won the Oscar.
02:08:47.000 Those people, these untethered humans, non-artists.
02:08:54.000 These untethered non-artists.
02:08:55.000 I had a dude come on my podcast, and I said something horrible, and he laughed.
02:09:02.000 It was bad, and he laughed, and we all laughed.
02:09:04.000 And he was like, hey, can you take out me laughing?
02:09:07.000 I was like, that's not how that works.
02:09:09.000 I took it out.
02:09:10.000 I took it out because I don't want, you know, I want everyone to feel comfortable.
02:09:13.000 That's funny. 0.99
02:09:13.000 But that's fucked up. 0.99
02:09:14.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:09:15.000 That's when you start...
02:09:16.000 People get scared.
02:09:17.000 It was the beauty of watching, I know I've told you this, but watching George and my girls, George and I, when we were on Fully Loaded last year, they only know Joey as Uncle Joey.
02:09:25.000 Like a legit Uncle Joey.
02:09:27.000 Right.
02:09:27.000 Uncle Joey came every Easter, every Christmas, every time we had a barbecue, any party.
02:09:32.000 He came home with his wife and his daughter.
02:09:34.000 They only know him as Uncle Joe, like a legit Uncle Joey.
02:09:38.000 Right.
02:09:39.000 And then Joey Diaz goes on stage and does Joey.
02:09:43.000 Like, aggressive.
02:09:45.000 I mean, I'm talking.
02:09:46.000 Yeah.
02:09:47.000 And Georgia would, I'd watch her put her hand to her mouth and go, I didn't mean to laugh at that.
02:09:52.000 I go, baby, that's your uncle up there. 0.99
02:09:56.000 That's fucking, that's who he is, that's who you love. 1.00
02:09:59.000 But more importantly, I go, laughter, you can't stop it. 1.00
02:10:03.000 It makes you laugh.
02:10:05.000 That's the surprise of laughter is the beauty of laughter. 1.00
02:10:07.000 Yeah, you can't be upset about laughing, especially when your dad's a fucking comedian. 1.00
02:10:11.000 It's ridiculous. 0.99
02:10:12.000 Well, I think these kids these days, they get into this mindset of like, be on the right side of history. 0.95
02:10:19.000 Yeah, that's turning the other way, man.
02:10:21.000 Let me tell you something.
02:10:23.000 That's turning the other way.
02:10:24.000 It's interesting.
02:10:26.000 This is really nice. 0.99
02:10:27.000 Kids are getting very upset with the woke shit and now it's going the other way. 0.99
02:10:31.000 And the cool kids are like They're not buying it anymore. 0.99
02:10:37.000 It's like it's interesting.
02:10:38.000 It's interesting to watch like teenagers now.
02:10:40.000 My daughter has teenage friends and the way they talk.
02:10:43.000 And I don't think it's just her friends.
02:10:44.000 I think there's a trend.
02:10:45.000 I think it's like a cultural thing. 0.98
02:10:48.000 Like things shift one way where everybody tries to get really woke and then people go, hey, that's fucking annoying. 0.89
02:10:54.000 And then they go back to just being silly and having fun and just getting to realize that it's okay to joke around about things. 0.87
02:11:00.000 It's okay to have fun.
02:11:02.000 And they're like, not everything is about social justice and the climate.
02:11:06.000 Oh, we gotta preserve the climate.
02:11:08.000 You know, we'd have to talk about it constantly on phones made by slaves. 1.00
02:11:12.000 Like, just the nonsense and the hypocrisy where the banks burn. 0.99
02:11:16.000 Like, all of it is ridiculous. 0.99
02:11:17.000 Like, there's so... 1.00
02:11:18.000 It's again, it's the gay marriage thing. 1.00
02:11:20.000 There's so many fucking distractions that people have. 1.00
02:11:23.000 There's cultural distractions, there's social distractions. 0.99
02:11:27.000 There's financial distractions.
02:11:29.000 There's like so much while you're just living for a very short amount of time.
02:11:34.000 Very short. 1.00
02:11:34.000 Look at Carly Simon, old as fuck now. 1.00
02:11:36.000 Look how hot she was when she was young. 1.00
02:11:39.000 And that doesn't last.
02:11:41.000 It doesn't last.
02:11:42.000 You on the cover of that Netflix special, that's as good as it gets, buddy.
02:11:46.000 From here on out, it's all downhill.
02:11:48.000 I'm cool with that.
02:11:49.000 Are you?
02:11:50.000 Yeah.
02:11:50.000 No, you're not.
02:11:51.000 That's why you're on peptides.
02:11:53.000 Come on, son.
02:11:54.000 Let's get back to where we once belonged.
02:11:57.000 I want it to last forever.
02:11:59.000 Oh.
02:11:59.000 I want to fake my death once.
02:12:01.000 Well, you think you don't die.
02:12:02.000 I had a conversation with Bert once.
02:12:04.000 I'll tell you folks about this.
02:12:06.000 Burt goes, I don't think you die!
02:12:07.000 I go, what are you talking about?
02:12:09.000 He goes, prove it.
02:12:09.000 Prove it.
02:12:10.000 How do you know you die?
02:12:11.000 I don't think I die.
02:12:13.000 I think I just keep going.
02:12:14.000 Yeah.
02:12:15.000 And I go, well, Burt, what do you think when all these people are dying?
02:12:18.000 He goes, eh, not me.
02:12:19.000 It's never been me yet.
02:12:23.000 I've been at funerals going that way.
02:12:24.000 That's not me up there.
02:12:25.000 That's true, but that's a very limited way.
02:12:28.000 That's how a German Shepherd would look at death. 0.98
02:12:31.000 Marshall seems pretty fucking happy. 0.99
02:12:33.000 He's pretty happy. 0.99
02:12:34.000 Marshall seems pretty fucking happy. 0.98
02:12:35.000 Do you think Marshall thinks about death? 0.99
02:12:36.000 He definitely does not think about death, but delivering death to squirrels.
02:12:41.000 Yeah, I got that energy. 0.95
02:12:42.000 That sweet dog is the squirrel murderer. 1.00
02:12:45.000 That's what his favorite fucking pastime is. 1.00
02:12:48.000 I would love to introduce him to one of my two dogs and see if they go, hey, who's your dad? 1.00
02:12:56.000 Oh, my dad does comedy too!
02:12:58.000 I don't think they do that.
02:13:00.000 Yeah, I guess you're right.
02:13:02.000 They probably just check each other for dominance. 0.99
02:13:03.000 They sniff each other's dicks and then they spin around and growl at each other and try to figure out who's the boss. 0.99
02:13:09.000 So what's the alternative? 0.99
02:13:10.000 Louis said this to me.
02:13:11.000 He said it just goes black one day.
02:13:14.000 Well, he doesn't know that.
02:13:15.000 That can't be the alternative.
02:13:16.000 He doesn't know that.
02:13:17.000 Not only that, there's a lot of evidence that that's not the case.
02:13:20.000 Preach!
02:13:21.000 I want to hear this!
02:13:22.000 Well, first of all, there's bizarre chemical doorways in your brain.
02:13:25.000 Your brain produces psychedelic chemicals that we don't understand. 0.85
02:13:30.000 And there's a study right now, one of the things that Graham Hancock was talking to me about recently was that there's a study that's going on- Graham Hancock has a great thing on fucking Netflix. 0.86
02:13:38.000 Oh, it's amazing. 0.99
02:13:39.000 He's a guy that, I heard his name a bunch, Because of you, didn't know what the fuck he did. 0.99
02:13:44.000 Yeah. 0.97
02:13:44.000 Like, I knew he was a thing, but I didn't know he was a thing thing. 0.97
02:13:46.000 I keep fucking up the name, but it's Ancient Apocalypse, right?
02:13:48.000 Yeah, Ancient Apocalypse. 0.99
02:13:50.000 It's fucking... 1.00
02:13:50.000 It's very good. 1.00
02:13:51.000 It's really good.
02:13:51.000 But this is the culmination of Graham's life work.
02:13:55.000 I mean, I found out about his original book, Fingerprints of the Gods, in the 90s.
02:13:59.000 And I remember reading it, and people were, like, ridiculing it.
02:14:03.000 Saying, oh, that's preposterous, that's pseudoscience.
02:14:06.000 Everything in that book has now been proven to be true.
02:14:09.000 All of it.
02:14:09.000 All of his hypothesis and now it's correlated with data that shows about these asteroid impacts and so Randall Carlson and him teaming together.
02:14:21.000 So Randall's an expert on these comet impacts and the impact that it had in the Younger Dryas impact theory and then Graham is an expert on these ancient civilizations and so the two of them together Have put together this very, very fascinating timeline of the rebirth of human civilization,
02:14:40.000 which is around 11,800 years ago, that we got fucking rocked and it reset the Earth.
02:14:47.000 But he was talking about this and he was talking about, on the last podcast we did, he was talking about these studies that they're doing out of a university in England where they're doing a slow drip DMT experience with these people.
02:15:04.000 And because they're doing it for hours and hours, they do a slow drip where they keep them in this state, which is normally a very transient state. 1.00
02:15:13.000 Because you hit it with a fucking pipe. 1.00
02:15:15.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:15:15.000 Normally. 1.00
02:15:16.000 Yeah, yeah, normally.
02:15:16.000 So there's no regulating how much you get.
02:15:18.000 Right.
02:15:18.000 So this, because it's an IV, because it's coming in a drip, it's like constant and continuous.
02:15:24.000 And these people are going to the same place and they're having repeatable experiences.
02:15:29.000 So instead of having like a 15-minute DMT trip, which a lot of people have that's like overwhelming, you can't even figure out what's going on, then it's over.
02:15:36.000 Instead of that, you're going to the exact same place over and over and over again and getting more and more comfortable with it and coming back with very similar stories.
02:15:45.000 So yeah, it's a repeatable environment where they're encountering entities and they're trying to map it.
02:15:52.000 So these people are doing these long-term studies with long-term experiments, meaning like not a 15-minute trip, but multiple hours at a time.
02:16:04.000 And they're coming back with like a map of the territory.
02:16:08.000 So, this is the concept.
02:16:11.000 The theory that many people have is that death opens up a chemical gateway in the mind, and that chemical gateway takes whatever the soul is, whatever consciousness is, and transports it into this new realm.
02:16:26.000 It allows you, your conscious mind, to access this new realm which is available to you upon death.
02:16:33.000 And so a lot of the ancient cultures that did ayahuasca and mushrooms, they would talk about this realm as being like a well of souls that you encounter disembodied Life forms,
02:16:50.000 disembodied spirits.
02:16:52.000 And this has been a staple of so many religions.
02:16:58.000 There's so many religions that talk about the afterlife.
02:17:00.000 I mean, I get that you would want to come up with something like that just because you wanted to Have some sort of a reason to keep going with a rational mind when you're dealing with this existential angst of a temporary existence and one day you're just going to be worm food.
02:17:16.000 What's the point of it all?
02:17:17.000 Why don't I end it now?
02:17:19.000 Life is to live is to suffer.
02:17:21.000 No.
02:17:22.000 There's something waiting for you when it's over.
02:17:24.000 And this is like, that's the carrot at the end of the stick. 0.99
02:17:27.000 So a lot of people think, well, I'm too smart for that fucking carrot. 0.99
02:17:29.000 Like, no, no, no, no. 0.99
02:17:31.000 Life is suffering.
02:17:32.000 Life is pointless.
02:17:34.000 It goes black one day.
02:17:35.000 It's like what Bourdain did to himself.
02:17:37.000 There's like this romantic notion that some people have that to end this depressing thinking is like to just do it, just to end your own life is the best way to just get through this.
02:17:48.000 But...
02:17:50.000 They don't know.
02:17:51.000 They don't know. 0.77
02:17:52.000 You don't know that you just go black. 0.99
02:17:54.000 You have no idea.
02:17:55.000 They don't know. 1.00
02:17:56.000 And to say that is so foolish. 1.00
02:17:57.000 Just to think of the fucking complexity of the universe itself. 1.00
02:18:02.000 Just the vast scope of it. 0.97
02:18:05.000 And now with this James Webb telescope, they're starting to look at galaxies that don't even make sense.
02:18:10.000 How is this galaxy so formed and it's so far away?
02:18:13.000 Is the universe older than we think it is?
02:18:16.000 There's all this new speculation now because of new data. 1.00
02:18:20.000 To think that you know what happens to you when you die is dumb. 1.00
02:18:24.000 It's dumb. 1.00
02:18:26.000 You don't. 1.00
02:18:26.000 You cannot know. 1.00
02:18:28.000 I thought this was going to be a panic attack and now I'm feeling better about myself.
02:18:31.000 Yeah, I don't think it ends.
02:18:33.000 I don't think it ends either.
02:18:34.000 I just don't think it ever ends.
02:18:36.000 I think the real fear is not that it doesn't end.
02:18:39.000 The real fear is that it never ends.
02:18:41.000 Imagine if you have to live your life over and [...
02:18:47.000 Forever.
02:18:48.000 Could you do it?
02:18:50.000 Isn't that a freakout?
02:18:51.000 Isn't it interesting?
02:18:52.000 Listen to this.
02:18:53.000 Okay.
02:18:53.000 Last night.
02:18:53.000 Yeah.
02:18:54.000 Didn't we have a great time?
02:18:55.000 Had a blast.
02:18:55.000 Hadn't seen you in forever.
02:18:56.000 It was a really great time.
02:18:56.000 We hug.
02:18:57.000 Dude, what's up?
02:18:58.000 Have a couple of cocktails.
02:19:00.000 And for me, I'm a manager of a club now.
02:19:02.000 I'm like walking around.
02:19:03.000 I didn't even perform.
02:19:04.000 I just got to hang out.
02:19:05.000 Get to hang out in Mitzi's room and have a real talk.
02:19:08.000 Oh, we went to have a nice dinner.
02:19:09.000 Oh.
02:19:10.000 Wouldn't you want to do that forever and ever and ever and ever?
02:19:12.000 But can you?
02:19:13.000 This is the thought.
02:19:16.000 For some people, that makes them freak out.
02:19:18.000 This idea that you would live your life, the life that you have right now, forever.
02:19:23.000 And you would just keep going back and doing it all again.
02:19:27.000 Until you get it right.
02:19:28.000 I would love it.
02:19:30.000 I had a dream one time that I went back in time to college.
02:19:34.000 I traveled in time, and I realized I was traveling in time, and I said to my roommate, Hutch, I said, I'm from the future.
02:19:43.000 I came back. 0.99
02:19:44.000 And he goes, oh shit. 0.99
02:19:46.000 So what are you going to change? 1.00
02:19:49.000 I said, well nothing.
02:19:51.000 It was great.
02:19:52.000 And he was like, oof. 1.00
02:19:53.000 So you have to do all the same stupid shit you did. 1.00
02:19:57.000 And you have to do all the same mistakes to get to where you are today. 1.00
02:20:00.000 And I was like, oh fuck. 1.00
02:20:01.000 I don't get to go back in time and fuck more chicks. 1.00
02:20:03.000 I gotta fuck the same chicks. 1.00
02:20:05.000 laughter I was like, God damn it. 1.00
02:20:09.000 And then I was panicking. 0.97
02:20:10.000 Imagine if you just have the exact same experiences over and over again, just you figure out how to make better decisions each time.
02:20:18.000 Maybe that's the wisdom of an old soul.
02:20:19.000 Yeah, but it's like Groundhog's Day.
02:20:21.000 Groundhog's Day, he ends unhappy.
02:20:23.000 But if you end up happy...
02:20:24.000 Yeah, he ended up happy.
02:20:25.000 But no, but he ends up happy in the movie because he was unhappy in real life.
02:20:28.000 I'm happy in real life, so in order to be happy in real life, I have to make the same mundane choices every single day.
02:20:33.000 But are they mundane?
02:20:35.000 No.
02:20:35.000 I mean, no.
02:20:36.000 It's not that they're mundane.
02:20:37.000 They're not mundane.
02:20:38.000 If you're trying to be better at anything, you're always trying to think, why did I do that?
02:20:43.000 Or why I should have done this?
02:20:44.000 Why did I tweet at Bourdain that way?
02:20:46.000 But I couldn't have started stand-up earlier, which I think, in hindsight, I would love to have started stand-up earlier.
02:20:51.000 But I would have had to wait and start at 26. Yeah, but why?
02:20:55.000 Why not?
02:20:56.000 Then you have 26 years of life before you start, which is probably better.
02:21:00.000 Which was better.
02:21:01.000 I think my first few years of stand-up were nonsense.
02:21:04.000 I'm very lucky that I got into stand-up later in life.
02:21:07.000 I'm glad that I got success later in life.
02:21:09.000 I'm glad everything happened to me when it did.
02:21:12.000 But I do wonder, like those chances that you didn't take, that you go, I wonder what would have happened.
02:21:18.000 Yeah.
02:21:20.000 If you want to get to where you are today, you've got to make the same choices.
02:21:24.000 Yes.
02:21:24.000 Like, one of my regrets, and obviously not, because it's not a regret, so I'm happy where I am today, but I would have loved to have worked at the Comedy Store.
02:21:32.000 I remember telling you this one time.
02:21:33.000 As a doorman?
02:21:34.000 No, no, I would have loved to have, not as a doorman, I would have liked to have tried, put myself out there, and tried to get past at the Comedy Store earlier in life.
02:21:41.000 I remember saying this to you, and I don't know if you remember this, we were both drunk, we were out on the patio at the store, And you said, yeah, we wouldn't be friends.
02:21:49.000 I said, really?
02:21:49.000 He goes, yeah.
02:21:50.000 I don't think we would have been friends.
02:21:52.000 And I thought to myself, we wouldn't have been.
02:21:54.000 Because I would have gotten involved with Coke.
02:21:56.000 I know I would have.
02:21:57.000 I would have gotten involved with Coke.
02:21:58.000 I would have never met Leanne.
02:21:59.000 I would have never had kids.
02:22:00.000 I would have never become who I was to be the guy.
02:22:04.000 Why did I say we would never be friends?
02:22:06.000 I think you probably memorized that wrong.
02:22:07.000 No, I'm not misremembering it.
02:22:09.000 I can tell you where you were sitting.
02:22:10.000 Maybe I was joking.
02:22:12.000 It doesn't seem like I would say it that way.
02:22:14.000 But I took it as you were accurate.
02:22:18.000 Had I started at the Comedy Store, I would have gotten involved in probably the wrong side of comedy.
02:22:23.000 I might have.
02:22:24.000 I know I would have gotten involved with Coke.
02:22:25.000 I loved Coke.
02:22:26.000 Yeah.
02:22:27.000 So what?
02:22:28.000 So did Joey.
02:22:30.000 Yeah, but I don't think I would have.
02:22:31.000 I don't know if I have that.
02:22:33.000 Joey's got the Oprah gene. 0.99
02:22:34.000 Where he can go through the shit and come out on the other side, lose his mom at 13, and come out winning. 0.99
02:22:39.000 Joey, he also had friends that loved him. 0.98
02:22:43.000 When Joey was in the cocaine days, that's when I started taking extra opening acts on the road with me, in case Joey didn't show up.
02:22:52.000 It was like how Ari got a job, because I used to have just one guy that had taken the road with me, and then Joey didn't show up sometimes, and so I said, okay, I gotta bring someone else.
02:23:03.000 So if Joey shows up, it's a three-man show.
02:23:05.000 If Joey doesn't show up, it's just me and Ari.
02:23:08.000 That's how Ari started going on the road with me. 1.00
02:23:11.000 We were on Fully Loaded, and everyone ate mushrooms one night.
02:23:17.000 It was a big arena show. 0.99
02:23:19.000 Everyone was fucking feeling it. 1.00
02:23:20.000 Joey murdered. 0.99
02:23:23.000 I apologize, Joey, if I'm misremembering this.
02:23:27.000 Joey was the first one to start handing out mushrooms to everyone.
02:23:29.000 Yeah, that sounds like Joey.
02:23:31.000 Why would you be misremembering that?
02:23:32.000 I'm just, you know, I'm careful with the stories I tell about people these days.
02:23:36.000 Oh, yeah.
02:23:37.000 And so, four in the morning, we're all in our bunks, and someone opens my curtain, and they're like, hey, the mushrooms didn't kick in well with Joey.
02:23:46.000 It's time to pull the car over.
02:23:47.000 And I shut my curtain, I go, I am not the one dealing with Joey tonight.
02:23:52.000 So you guys were in the bus?
02:23:54.000 In the bus.
02:23:55.000 And Joey wanted to pull the bus over?
02:23:57.000 We did pull the bus over.
02:23:58.000 And we pulled the bus over.
02:23:59.000 He's laying out on the grass, staring at the sky. 1.00
02:24:02.000 Wrong day, cocksucker. 1.00
02:24:03.000 I'm not in this bus. 1.00
02:24:04.000 He goes up, my bus driver, Ron. 1.00
02:24:07.000 Wrong day, cocksucker. 1.00
02:24:08.000 I'm not on this bus. 1.00
02:24:09.000 I gotta get the fuck out of here, Burt Kreischer. 0.97
02:24:12.000 This isn't happening. 0.97
02:24:14.000 Give me a hotel room.
02:24:15.000 So we pulled the bus over.
02:24:16.000 We found him a hotel room.
02:24:17.000 Got him a hotel room.
02:24:18.000 Got him a ride to the venue the next day.
02:24:20.000 How far was the venue from where you're driving?
02:24:22.000 Joe, I could not tell you.
02:24:23.000 I could not tell you.
02:24:24.000 How many hours were you in a...
02:24:26.000 We usually drive six hours a night, four hours a night.
02:24:27.000 So he pulls over in the middle of the drive and says, no, I'm on Mushrooms, get me a hotel room.
02:24:33.000 Mushrooms in a bunk, and I think it was making a motion sick.
02:24:36.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
02:24:37.000 And he's on Mushrooms, and he's got a sleep apnea machine.
02:24:40.000 It's like, you ever see that Chris Pratt movie where he sits in the time capsule and they go to space and his opens early?
02:24:45.000 Yeah.
02:24:46.000 Joe, he's opened early.
02:24:47.000 Yeah.
02:24:47.000 I think the bus would be fun in between hotels.
02:24:51.000 I do not think sleeping on the bus would be fun because sleep is very important.
02:24:57.000 I value sleep.
02:24:59.000 I value restorative sleep.
02:25:02.000 You're right.
02:25:02.000 It's not good for sleep.
02:25:04.000 Not good.
02:25:05.000 And if you're doing a lot of shows and you're partying and you're not getting sleep, that's a recipe for disaster.
02:25:11.000 You'd love it, Joe Rogan.
02:25:13.000 You'd love it.
02:25:14.000 Joe.
02:25:14.000 You and I are different things.
02:25:16.000 It's kind of the same.
02:25:17.000 Kind of in some way.
02:25:18.000 We have so many similarities.
02:25:20.000 A lot of similarities, but we're different things in terms of how we take care of our physical vehicle.
02:25:26.000 Yeah, I mean, you're trying to do it now.
02:25:28.000 I am.
02:25:29.000 I've always done it.
02:25:32.000 Since I was 15. Do you take days off from working out?
02:25:37.000 Yeah.
02:25:38.000 Oh, okay.
02:25:38.000 Yeah, I take a day off every now and then.
02:25:40.000 I take a day off.
02:25:43.000 Yeah.
02:25:45.000 Sometimes. 0.99
02:25:45.000 I just decide if I don't feel good, but I know if I'm being a pussy, you know? 0.99
02:25:50.000 And one of the ways I know is how tired I get in the sauna, which is interesting. 0.99
02:25:54.000 You know, when I get really tired in the sauna, I know something's going on.
02:25:58.000 I don't get tired in the sauna.
02:25:59.000 I get like, I can feel it.
02:26:01.000 I can feel it going like, I don't got much more in me.
02:26:04.000 Yeah.
02:26:04.000 It's not tired, though.
02:26:05.000 It's struggle, whatever it is.
02:26:09.000 That's how I know.
02:26:10.000 It's one of the ways that I know that I'm feeling bad, other than working out.
02:26:13.000 When I'm working out, I can really tell.
02:26:15.000 In the middle of COVID, my whole family had COVID. My one daughter got it first, and then my wife got it, and then my second daughter got it.
02:26:23.000 And I never got it.
02:26:25.000 But I was working out, and they were saying, you're going to get it, you're going to get it.
02:26:29.000 I didn't have a mask on.
02:26:30.000 I was hugging them.
02:26:31.000 I'm like, oh my god, daddy, stop hugging me.
02:26:33.000 I have COVID. I was laughing.
02:26:35.000 I'm like, I don't think I'm going to get it.
02:26:36.000 But I went to work out, and when I was working out, I was like, whoa, I feel my body fighting this.
02:26:42.000 It was interesting because I work out so much.
02:26:45.000 I have this circuit that I do with kettlebells, and I started the circuit, and I do a warm-up where I just warm up with 35-pound swings.
02:26:54.000 And I do 10 swings each arm.
02:26:56.000 Then I do 10 clean and presses.
02:26:58.000 So I'm doing the 10 swings and I'm like, what is going on?
02:27:02.000 I'm like, what's happening here?
02:27:03.000 I'm like, why do I feel like diminished?
02:27:06.000 And then I realized like, oh, this is my immune system trying to fight this off.
02:27:10.000 So this was probably like a Thursday or something like that.
02:27:14.000 And I had the whole weekend.
02:27:16.000 Where I didn't have any podcasts, so I was wondering, I was like, okay, when I get tested on Monday morning, I wonder if I'm going to be positive.
02:27:25.000 This is interesting.
02:27:26.000 Never got it.
02:27:27.000 But I knew it was coming because of the way I felt working out.
02:27:31.000 I was like, I knew it was on the back door, but then I got a bunch of vitamins.
02:27:35.000 I did the vitamin IV drip.
02:27:37.000 I did an NAD drip, and I never got COVID. But That same feeling, if I get that now, I know I never push through it.
02:27:45.000 Never push through it.
02:27:47.000 Really? 0.99
02:27:47.000 Yeah, because I know when I'm being a bitch and I know when something's wrong. 0.99
02:27:52.000 And that was, when I was doing the swings, I was like, something's wrong. 0.98
02:27:56.000 Like you know your body like that.
02:27:57.000 Yeah, I was like, something's off here.
02:27:59.000 But it's because I take care of it.
02:28:01.000 That's it.
02:28:01.000 And so, like, when I get in the sauna, that's how I know if I'm run down.
02:28:05.000 If I get in the sauna and, like, I'm looking at my watch like 15 minutes in, I'm like, fuck, those last five are rough. 0.97
02:28:12.000 That's when I know, like, I'm worn out right now. 0.95
02:28:15.000 Maybe we'd go real light today if I work out.
02:28:18.000 Maybe take it easy.
02:28:19.000 I've had COVID, I think, six times.
02:28:22.000 I thought you said seven today.
02:28:23.000 I think seven.
02:28:24.000 I'm always...
02:28:25.000 Isla says seven. 0.85
02:28:26.000 I've had it every time you can get it.
02:28:29.000 And I can tell you when I get...
02:28:30.000 I mean, I should be a doctor now.
02:28:32.000 I can tell you when I get COVID. I can tell you what it feels like.
02:28:34.000 Well, don't you think some of that has to do with this schedule that you were just talking about?
02:28:38.000 Like being on the tour bus, not getting good sleep, drinking all the time, traveling from city to city like that?
02:28:43.000 Oh, yeah.
02:28:44.000 That's it, right?
02:28:44.000 It's entirely based on...
02:28:46.000 So the last time I got COVID was when I taped my special.
02:28:50.000 And they were testing every day, and I could feel myself getting sick.
02:28:54.000 But I wasn't partying.
02:28:56.000 I didn't party.
02:28:57.000 After Sober October, I didn't party up until my special.
02:28:59.000 I gave myself my birthday weekend, right?
02:29:02.000 But I didn't party up until I shot my special.
02:29:04.000 So I wanted to...
02:29:05.000 I know I look fat in the special, but I look better than I look today, so I look good, and I look jacked. 0.99
02:29:09.000 I look fucking... 0.99
02:29:10.000 A lot of people say I look jacked. 1.00
02:29:11.000 And so...
02:29:13.000 They were testing up until the day of the special, and I remember saying to my assistant Pete, I was like, he thought he was getting sick.
02:29:20.000 I go, hey man, if you got COVID, don't tell anyone. 0.99
02:29:22.000 Fucking just don't test. 1.00
02:29:24.000 Fucking stay away. 1.00
02:29:25.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00
02:29:26.000 I want to make sure we get this special in the can. 0.99
02:29:28.000 Right.
02:29:29.000 Especially now.
02:29:31.000 Yeah, I mean now COVID is like a cold.
02:29:34.000 Anyway, so we shoot the special, get it, in a can.
02:29:40.000 The next day I get a private jet for everyone on my team to go home.
02:29:44.000 And I partied.
02:29:46.000 And I partied the night I shot my special, after I shot it, I partied.
02:29:49.000 And I partied the next day on the private jet.
02:29:52.000 And I came home and tested positive.
02:29:54.000 The second that I woke up the next morning and I tested positive, and I knew I had COVID. I could feel it.
02:29:59.000 It happens right here on the left side of my head.
02:30:00.000 Every time it's like a headache on the left side of my head, I feel it.
02:30:04.000 I feel run down, and I got up to work out. 1.00
02:30:06.000 And I was like, you're being a bitch. 1.00
02:30:08.000 Work out. 1.00
02:30:09.000 And then we got a text from my manager or my agent or someone who's like, hey, I tested positive this morning.
02:30:15.000 So everyone started testing.
02:30:17.000 Not everyone tested positive.
02:30:18.000 Victoria didn't test positive.
02:30:19.000 Pete did. 0.80
02:30:20.000 Pete didn't test positive, but Pete's a gangster.
02:30:22.000 He came up to me with a mask.
02:30:23.000 Did my test and was like, here, I ain't got COVID. Fuck them. 1.00
02:30:28.000 You can know the difference between being a bitch and whether or not you're not feeling good if you always hold yourself accountable. 1.00
02:30:36.000 Well, I think you probably can. 0.99
02:30:39.000 I can party pretty hard and then wake up and not want it.
02:30:44.000 But you know the difference.
02:30:45.000 You know what a hangover feels like.
02:30:47.000 Not really.
02:30:48.000 The first time I got COVID, I thought it was a hangover.
02:30:50.000 Oh, interesting.
02:30:50.000 First time I got COVID, I was like, I'm just really hungover.
02:30:53.000 Well, you probably were.
02:30:55.000 And you had COVID. Well, I was hungover.
02:30:57.000 The first time I ever got COVID, I had partied hard as fuck with my wife in... 1.00
02:31:01.000 Not Salt Lake City. 0.99
02:31:04.000 What's this?
02:31:05.000 Park City.
02:31:06.000 Park City.
02:31:07.000 We went skiing in Park City.
02:31:08.000 Georgia got it.
02:31:10.000 That was a super spreader location, Park City.
02:31:13.000 In the early days of COVID, that was like one of the places where a bunch of people got COVID. I think they traced it to like some clubs.
02:31:20.000 They had some shows that they did.
02:31:22.000 You know, what is that thing that they do down there?
02:31:24.000 Sundance.
02:31:24.000 Sundance, yeah.
02:31:25.000 Yeah, wherever all the fucking... 0.99
02:31:27.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:31:28.000 The first time I got COVID, I just thought it was a hangover, and I went skiing, I went snowboarding.
02:31:33.000 Me and my daughter went snowboarding.
02:31:36.000 Georgia and Leanne had COVID, so we sent the tour bus to come get them in Park City and drive them home.
02:31:42.000 And Isla and I stayed. 0.98
02:31:43.000 We're like, we're going to fucking hang out. 0.96
02:31:45.000 We're going to just go snowboarding. 0.98
02:31:46.000 And so I woke up, and I was like, goddammit, I'm hungover.
02:31:50.000 Went snowboarding.
02:31:53.000 Tested negative.
02:31:55.000 Flew home.
02:31:56.000 The second I got home, before the flight I tested, still negative.
02:32:02.000 The second I got home, I was positive. 0.99
02:32:04.000 And I was like, God damn it. 0.99
02:32:05.000 And then the next time I got COVID, I thought it was a hangover again. 0.99
02:32:08.000 Tested positive.
02:32:09.000 I mean, I think if I had your body and your mechanism where you're really good at measuring your intake.
02:32:16.000 Like last night, you didn't drink it.
02:32:18.000 You had a glass of wine at dinner and that was it.
02:32:20.000 Right?
02:32:20.000 Yeah.
02:32:21.000 But I have to wake up with an accountability of going, you wanted to party, you gotta work out. 0.96
02:32:28.000 So every time I've had COVID, I've fucking worked out. 0.94
02:32:31.000 And been like, pushed it in the gym. 0.98
02:32:32.000 While you had COVID? Yeah.
02:32:34.000 Wow.
02:32:35.000 Sometimes that's not wise.
02:32:37.000 I'm sure it's not. 0.98
02:32:38.000 This idea that you're supposed to sweat it out, that's horseshit. 0.98
02:32:41.000 Tell that to Cam Haynes. 0.98
02:32:42.000 Cam Haynes is the one.
02:32:43.000 He got sick.
02:32:44.000 I had to send a doctor to him.
02:32:45.000 I sent the nurses to him when he got COVID. He ran fucking 10 miles every day and polar plunged. 0.98
02:32:50.000 Yeah, while he had COVID. That's a motherfucker right there. 1.00
02:32:53.000 Yeah, don't do that. 1.00
02:32:55.000 Can I tell you why I like Cam Haynes?
02:32:57.000 Okay.
02:32:59.000 His book that he wrote...
02:33:01.000 Did you listen to it?
02:33:02.000 Of course I did.
02:33:03.000 Am I being drunk right now?
02:33:04.000 I'm in it.
02:33:05.000 His book...
02:33:05.000 I did the forward to it.
02:33:07.000 His book is a self-help book.
02:33:10.000 It's a motivational book, but it's based on his own life experiences.
02:33:14.000 Yeah.
02:33:14.000 So you can tether yourself to his life experiences and go...
02:33:18.000 And I'm similar to that.
02:33:19.000 That's what I liked about that book. 1.00
02:33:21.000 There's shit with his dad. 0.99
02:33:23.000 And the running stuff, I can understand that. 1.00
02:33:26.000 And it was so cool.
02:33:27.000 I listened to one on the beach on a jog.
02:33:30.000 And I like self-help books like that, you know?
02:33:33.000 Where they're like, they tell you about their life and their struggles, and they're not trying to pinpoint your weaknesses.
02:33:39.000 They're letting you know about their weaknesses. 1.00
02:33:40.000 I love that shit, man. 1.00
02:33:42.000 The reason why I bring up you shouldn't work out while you're sick is because even for elite athletes, when they work out, when they get sick, they just get sicker. 1.00
02:33:50.000 And that's what happened with Hamzat Shemaev.
02:33:53.000 Hamzat Shemaev was one of the best fighters in the UFC. He got COVID and kept training.
02:34:00.000 And got really fucking sick. 0.99
02:34:02.000 For real. 0.99
02:34:02.000 And was hospitalized. 0.99
02:34:03.000 Not just once, but multiple times.
02:34:06.000 Hospitalized with COVID. Because he wouldn't stop training.
02:34:09.000 Because he was a fucking animal. 0.99
02:34:11.000 So he'd get a little bit better, and then he'd break his body down again. 1.00
02:34:15.000 Like, COVID is a very strange disease.
02:34:18.000 And...
02:34:20.000 If you let it get deep into your body, like if you break yourself down, like it seems to have affected, I know quite a few people that got it really bad when they were drinking.
02:34:30.000 Like they were really drunk and depleted and their immune system was crashed, which is often times how people get sick, and then they got it really bad. 0.98
02:34:37.000 But the people that worked out while they had it, man, they kept it for a long fucking time. 0.94
02:34:41.000 And Hamzat posted a photograph of his toilet where it was like blood splattered in the toilet because he was throwing up blood. 0.99
02:34:50.000 And he was saying, like, he's going to have to retire from fighting because his lungs were fucked up from COVID. So Leanne had long COVID. And she got, when the first time she got COVID, I think she had COVID a couple times now. 0.91
02:35:02.000 The first time she got it, she worked out the whole time she had it.
02:35:05.000 Yeah, that's probably what gave her long COVID. It probably broke her body down. 1.00
02:35:09.000 It's like your body never has a chance to fully recover.
02:35:12.000 You've got to let your body get to 100%.
02:35:14.000 Your body's struggling, right?
02:35:17.000 And when you are exercising, what you're doing is you're taxing your body's resources so your body has to repair and improve and it repairs your cardiovascular system and your muscular system and you get stronger and you get healthier.
02:35:32.000 But it's all about breaking down and rebuilding.
02:35:35.000 Well, when you're sick, you don't rebuild.
02:35:37.000 You just break down further.
02:35:39.000 So you're breaking down a system that's already taxed. 0.99
02:35:42.000 You already feel like shit, like, oh, I just need to push myself to the gym. 1.00
02:35:45.000 No, you need to fucking rest. 1.00
02:35:47.000 You need to fucking rest. 1.00
02:35:48.000 And if you don't do that, it'll just get deep into your system. 0.99
02:35:52.000 So then, so...
02:35:55.000 I'm curious about your actual motivations.
02:35:57.000 So when you get up this morning, you don't have a personal trainer, right?
02:36:01.000 You don't have anyone that sets up a training program for you?
02:36:03.000 No, I don't have anyone.
02:36:04.000 So then, do you go today as shoulders?
02:36:07.000 And you do shoulders?
02:36:08.000 Yeah, I write things out.
02:36:09.000 I have a whiteboard, and I write out all the different workouts.
02:36:12.000 So you make up your own workout.
02:36:14.000 Yeah.
02:36:14.000 I have circuits that I do.
02:36:18.000 So I have circuits that I repeat and then I either add weight or I add repetitions or I'll add additional exercises to the circuit when I decide the circuit's too easy.
02:36:27.000 Can you post those on Instagram from now on?
02:36:29.000 I'd be curious to see those.
02:36:31.000 I try not to make it too public, because I think part of what I like to do is I like to do it by myself.
02:36:40.000 I've done it before, like I've talked about what I've done before, but I think there's something that's good about just doing it in silence.
02:36:48.000 Doing it by yourself.
02:36:49.000 Just struggling.
02:36:50.000 Don't tell the whole world that you're doing this.
02:36:52.000 I kind of do already.
02:36:53.000 That's all I do.
02:36:54.000 I know, but for my head, it's better to not.
02:36:57.000 Really?
02:36:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:36:58.000 For my head, it's better to just go through it.
02:37:01.000 Just go through it.
02:37:02.000 Because everything I do is so public already anyway.
02:37:05.000 It's better to not have that, which is my medicine.
02:37:08.000 That's my medicine.
02:37:10.000 Working out is my medicine.
02:37:11.000 That's my mental medicine, for sure.
02:37:13.000 But you understand the value in knowing your medicine.
02:37:17.000 As an outsider, I'm not advocating that you should post these for real, because if that's how it works for you, it should work.
02:37:23.000 But I am curious, when we did the 100 push-ups, a perfect example, knowing that that's the benchmark, It's interesting to see how hard you actually are pushing it, 0.90
02:37:39.000 because if I wrote my own workouts, they'd be fucking cakewalks. 0.94
02:37:42.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:37:43.000 They'd be fucking cakewalks. 0.99
02:37:44.000 I have someone else, Lacey Mackie, she's my trainer, she travels with us. 1.00
02:37:49.000 She does my workouts, and sometimes I'll see them and I'll go, fuck that workout. 1.00
02:37:52.000 That sucks. 1.00
02:37:53.000 I don't want to do that. 0.93
02:37:54.000 Yeah.
02:37:55.000 In December, we did...
02:37:58.000 I'm going to misremember this.
02:38:00.000 Five squats, five burpees, and five push-ups every day.
02:38:04.000 And then we added five every day until we got to the end of the month.
02:38:08.000 And we were doing 150 burpees, 150 push-ups, and 150 squats.
02:38:13.000 And it was undoable. 0.96
02:38:15.000 I mean, it was like so fucking tough. 0.98
02:38:17.000 Especially if you missed a day, which we did, and you were forced to do like fucking... 0.98
02:38:21.000 At one point I had 470 burpees left. 1.00
02:38:24.000 And I'm just going like, fuck this workout. 0.96
02:38:26.000 But like it's curious I'm curious about like guys like you I say I say you David Goggins and Cam Haynes because those are like the guys I enjoy but like I'm like Cam Haynes is pretty specific I do I do 12 miles every day at lunch which is insane is fucking insane And then Polar Plunge and this. 0.97
02:38:48.000 Do you know Jesse...
02:38:49.000 I'm going to mispronounce his name.
02:38:50.000 Jesse Seitzer?
02:38:52.000 He lived with Cam Haynes.
02:38:54.000 He's...
02:38:55.000 Itzler.
02:38:56.000 Jesse Itzler?
02:38:57.000 No.
02:38:57.000 No, no, no.
02:38:58.000 He lived with David Goggins.
02:39:01.000 My bad.
02:39:01.000 Yeah.
02:39:02.000 He did something so fucking... 0.98
02:39:05.000 For a runner, so powerful, is that he's talking about getting back into running, because he had taken some time off, so he had an injury. 0.99
02:39:12.000 He said, what I'd like to do, I'm misremembering, I'm sure, but I do two minutes of running and then five minutes of walking.
02:39:17.000 Two minutes of running to get back into running. 0.92
02:39:19.000 It was so fucking useful as an outsider looking in, because I go, oh shit, you know, I gained some weight on this last tour, and I'm trying to get back, and I go, that's really interesting. 0.98
02:39:29.000 This morning on the treadmill, I did him. 0.99
02:39:32.000 That's good.
02:39:33.000 That's a good way to do it.
02:39:34.000 Doing anything is good.
02:39:36.000 What I do...
02:39:37.000 Even your process of how you come up with what your workout will be is fascinating to me because I know you kill it in the gym.
02:39:46.000 I treat myself like I'm my own personal trainer.
02:39:50.000 That's what I do.
02:39:51.000 I treat myself like I'm a different person.
02:39:54.000 I don't look at me as, like, what I want to do.
02:39:57.000 I look at me like a person I'm telling to do things.
02:40:00.000 Like, I'm the boss of me.
02:40:03.000 I don't do that.
02:40:04.000 Yeah, well, it's okay.
02:40:05.000 You don't have to do that.
02:40:07.000 I have to do that.
02:40:08.000 You understand? 0.82
02:40:09.000 I'm a crazy person.
02:40:10.000 Like, I've realized I'm a crazy person, so I've figured out how to not be crazy.
02:40:13.000 Like, I don't want to be crazy.
02:40:15.000 I want to be nice.
02:40:16.000 So what's the best way for me to be nice?
02:40:18.000 I go crazy in the gym.
02:40:20.000 You've worked out with me before. 1.00
02:40:21.000 When I work out, I go fucking hard. 1.00
02:40:24.000 You try to have a heart attack. 1.00
02:40:25.000 I go fucking hard. 1.00
02:40:27.000 So that for the rest of the day, I'm cool as a cucumber. 0.99
02:40:30.000 I'm relaxed and friendly and nice.
02:40:32.000 And I get those demons out.
02:40:34.000 My litmus for health has always been 225 bench press.
02:40:38.000 Do you remember when we all did that?
02:40:40.000 Yes. 0.98
02:40:40.000 The three of us got pinned and you did like fucking 15? 0.98
02:40:42.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:40:43.000 And then you were like, I think I might have ripped my pack.
02:40:44.000 Let's go do a podcast.
02:40:45.000 Yeah.
02:40:46.000 I was joking.
02:40:47.000 I didn't really put my back.
02:40:48.000 I hadn't done any benching.
02:40:50.000 That's the funny thing.
02:40:51.000 I don't bench.
02:40:53.000 That's my favorite thing in the world.
02:40:54.000 That's all from kettlebells.
02:40:56.000 So you're just kettlebells?
02:40:57.000 Yeah.
02:40:58.000 I do push-ups and I do dips and I do chin-ups and I do pull-ups.
02:41:04.000 I do those L pull-ups where I grab the bars like this and I keep my legs extended in front of me and I do them like this.
02:41:10.000 So it's like pull-ups and an ab.
02:41:13.000 It's like a back and ab exercise.
02:41:15.000 Arm, backs, and abs all at the same time.
02:41:16.000 I've seen brothers do it in the hood on stop signs.
02:41:19.000 Oh, it's such a good thing for you.
02:41:21.000 Yeah, those L chin-ups.
02:41:23.000 But I don't do any bench pressing.
02:41:27.000 You still running?
02:41:28.000 No, no, no, I stopped that. 0.99
02:41:30.000 I fucked my knee up. 0.99
02:41:31.000 Really? 0.99
02:41:32.000 Yeah, I've hurt my left knee a couple of times now. 0.98
02:41:36.000 I tore my MCL, and then I kept training with this torn MCL, and it got pretty bad to the point where I would do Muay Thai, and it would swell up, and then I was like, God damn it.
02:41:47.000 And so then I got a bunch of stem cells in it, and I haven't done any running, and I haven't done any Muay Thai in like almost a year.
02:41:54.000 Where I'm just trying to fix it.
02:41:55.000 And it's 90 something percent now.
02:41:58.000 It doesn't bother me at all when I do squats or I did all the knees over toes stuff.
02:42:02.000 But the problem is, you know, I'm a meathead.
02:42:06.000 And when I start working out, especially when I start hitting the bag, because it's so much torque on your knees and it puts a lot of stress on your tendons.
02:42:15.000 If you have a weakened tendon that you're healing and then you kick really hard, it's like it just never heals. 0.98
02:42:23.000 It would get better and then I'd fuck it up again. 0.97
02:42:26.000 It would be sore for a few days. 0.99
02:42:27.000 I just never let it get better.
02:42:30.000 So I decided, okay, obviously there's a real issue here.
02:42:34.000 Let's keep getting stem cells in it. 0.99
02:42:35.000 Let's keep rehabilitating it and get it to the point where you could fucking fully trust it before you start kicking the shit out of a heavy bag. 0.98
02:42:43.000 It's hard to know, though. 0.99
02:42:44.000 I had the surgery on my elbow.
02:42:47.000 And there was a period.
02:42:48.000 It wasn't until recently that I don't think about it at all now.
02:42:51.000 But there was a long time where I had a hard time doing anything with my arm.
02:42:55.000 How long?
02:42:56.000 Like a year?
02:42:56.000 Honestly, until we did push-ups.
02:42:58.000 Yeah.
02:42:58.000 The push-ups...
02:42:59.000 Helped it, probably.
02:43:00.000 All that blood flow.
02:43:01.000 Helped it a lot, and I haven't let go of the push-ups.
02:43:03.000 I'm still doing...
02:43:04.000 I'm doing 100 a day, roughly.
02:43:06.000 Nice.
02:43:07.000 That's huge.
02:43:08.000 Squats, too.
02:43:09.000 Squats.
02:43:09.000 Mark Norman.
02:43:10.000 Yeah.
02:43:10.000 We did a little...
02:43:12.000 When we were in...
02:43:12.000 That's the Super Bowl.
02:43:13.000 Me, Mark, and Shane.
02:43:14.000 We're all pro athletes, right?
02:43:16.000 Everyone's thick with pro athletes. 1.00
02:43:18.000 Fucking the fucking savages. 1.00
02:43:20.000 And I was with, I think, Gabe Davis, Shane. 1.00
02:43:24.000 Gabe Davis is a big wide receiver from the Buffalo Bills.
02:43:26.000 And they said, how many pushups do you think you can do?
02:43:29.000 I go, 50. And they're like, bullshit. 1.00
02:43:31.000 You can't do 10. And you know me and my head, how my brain works. 1.00
02:43:34.000 I go, all right, bitches. 1.00
02:43:37.000 45, I tapped out. 1.00
02:43:39.000 And then Mark Norman, this little fucking cunt, he goes, I bet I can do 50. And everyone's like, there's no fucking way. 1.00
02:43:45.000 Mark Norman bangs out 57 and doesn't even get tired. 0.99
02:43:49.000 Wow.
02:43:50.000 And then pulls me aside at the end of the night and goes, cheat code, I do 50 every morning.
02:43:54.000 Because I do 50 squats, 50 push-ups.
02:43:55.000 I try to keep them active.
02:43:57.000 It's a good thing to do.
02:43:59.000 And the way we were doing it, 100 every day, you don't realize it until the end of the month.
02:44:03.000 But your body changes.
02:44:05.000 Yeah.
02:44:06.000 Your shoulders change.
02:44:07.000 Your triceps change.
02:44:09.000 My arms got thicker.
02:44:10.000 Clothes felt different.
02:44:11.000 I've gained an inch on my arm.
02:44:13.000 I do measurements.
02:44:14.000 For weight loss, I do measurements, mostly.
02:44:16.000 So I go around the belly button.
02:44:17.000 Right now, I'm 47. My arms gained an inch after that month.
02:44:22.000 Today, where they are today, they were 17 when I started.
02:44:25.000 I measured myself.
02:44:27.000 My arms are 18 inches around now.
02:44:29.000 18 inch pythons. 1.00
02:44:30.000 That's a fucking dude. 1.00
02:44:31.000 18 inch pythons. 1.00
02:44:33.000 All I want is someone to watch his special and go, he looks jacked.
02:44:36.000 Well, one person's going to do that.
02:44:38.000 Please. 0.82
02:44:38.000 Some, like, super slob. 0.82
02:44:41.000 I was going to wear those pants on my special. 0.70
02:44:43.000 Why didn't you?
02:44:44.000 A little distracting, Joe.
02:44:46.000 They're kind of cool.
02:44:46.000 They're badass.
02:44:48.000 That wouldn't be distracting.
02:44:49.000 That would be really distracting.
02:44:50.000 Nah.
02:44:51.000 The only thing I do...
02:44:52.000 Are those sequins?
02:44:54.000 They are velvet pants.
02:44:56.000 They're velvet.
02:44:57.000 But the pattern is so interesting.
02:44:59.000 Oh, maybe there are sequins. 0.51
02:45:00.000 See, there's a clear pattern in that.
02:45:03.000 You don't even remember where there are sequins? 1.00
02:45:05.000 How long ago did you take this picture?
02:45:07.000 Who knows? 1.00
02:45:09.000 That's a lot of shit I don't care about. 1.00
02:45:11.000 You'd be shocked. 1.00
02:45:12.000 Isn't that important though?
02:45:14.000 Compartmentalizing?
02:45:14.000 Yeah, I don't care about that.
02:45:16.000 It's very important to not care about certain things.
02:45:18.000 Just like...
02:45:20.000 So, but, okay.
02:45:21.000 That's how I feel about the banks right now.
02:45:22.000 That's how I feel.
02:45:23.000 Definitely about the banks.
02:45:23.000 That's how I feel about politics.
02:45:25.000 That's how I feel about COVID. Yeah.
02:45:26.000 That's how I feel about the Alex Jones shit. 0.99
02:45:28.000 Like, I don't really care about... 0.99
02:45:29.000 Like, I know that he got in trouble, but I don't really care.
02:45:31.000 I still think he makes me go over now and then. 1.00
02:45:34.000 Like, I don't care about a lot of shit. 0.99
02:45:36.000 Well, you don't have to. 1.00
02:45:38.000 So Donnell said, because you're white.
02:45:42.000 Donnell goes, yeah, you know why you don't care?
02:45:43.000 I go, why?
02:45:43.000 He goes, because you're white and you don't have to.
02:45:45.000 It doesn't change your life.
02:45:46.000 I went, yeah, you're right.
02:45:47.000 I get bummed when you go to a city and they don't sell beer on a Sunday. 0.99
02:45:51.000 And you're like, what the fuck happened to this city? 0.98
02:45:53.000 We need to make change. 0.99
02:45:55.000 Yeah.
02:45:55.000 Make this city great again.
02:45:57.000 Yeah.
02:45:58.000 Sell beer on Sunday. 1.00
02:46:01.000 Fucking... 1.00
02:46:01.000 Boston used to do that. 1.00
02:46:02.000 Yeah, they used to have to go to New Hampshire.
02:46:04.000 We used to go to the package store.
02:46:07.000 That's what they used to call it.
02:46:08.000 We had to make a packy run. 0.99
02:46:09.000 You gotta go to the fucking packy. 0.99
02:46:11.000 That's what they would call the liquor stores, the package store. 1.00
02:46:14.000 That's like ancient colonial talk.
02:46:18.000 Like, think about that.
02:46:18.000 That's pilgrim talk.
02:46:20.000 Dude.
02:46:20.000 I gotta go to the package store.
02:46:22.000 The package store.
02:46:23.000 That does sound crazy.
02:46:24.000 That's what we called it, the packy, when I was a kid.
02:46:27.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:46:28.000 Gotta go to the fucking packy. 0.99
02:46:30.000 We would have to drive just 30 minutes outside in Tallahassee. 0.99
02:46:34.000 You could get beer after 2 in the morning.
02:46:37.000 Only 30 minutes?
02:46:38.000 Yeah.
02:46:38.000 We had to go to New Hampshire.
02:46:40.000 Fuck. 1.00
02:46:40.000 I didn't drive to New Hampshire. 1.00
02:46:42.000 I couldn't even tell you where New Hampshire was on a map.
02:46:44.000 It's right above Massachusetts.
02:46:45.000 So we would drive. 0.98
02:46:46.000 And you have to drive in this bullshit road where it's like two lanes. 1.00
02:46:50.000 So if somebody breaks down, you're fucked. 1.00
02:46:52.000 These lanes suck. 1.00
02:46:54.000 And people drive slow. 1.00
02:46:56.000 They're all terrified of cops.
02:46:57.000 Yeah.
02:46:59.000 So you're driving up to New Hampshire to go buy booze.
02:47:02.000 I can't believe I never got a DUI. You're lucky.
02:47:05.000 I don't drink and drive.
02:47:08.000 That's how you don't get a DUI. I don't drive.
02:47:11.000 Exactly, specifically.
02:47:15.000 I got pulled over once when I wasn't drunk.
02:47:17.000 I dropped my phone in between my legs. 0.98
02:47:20.000 I was in my car, and I was driving, and I don't remember if someone called me or something, but I was on the phone, and I dropped the phone between my legs, and I was like, fuck, and it went under the seat, so I had to do this thing where you're in there, 0.99
02:47:37.000 and I moved over, and it was late at night, so there was no one on the road, but I moved over, and did that thing. 0.72
02:47:44.000 And then picked up the phone, and the next thing you know, the lights were behind me.
02:47:48.000 And so I got pulled over and I had to do all the drunk tests.
02:47:51.000 I told them, like, I'm not drunk.
02:47:53.000 Like, did you have a drink?
02:47:54.000 And I was honest.
02:47:55.000 I said, yeah, I had a drink before I went on stage, like three hours ago. 1.00
02:47:58.000 So I did all the thing, all the stupid shit. 1.00
02:48:00.000 I was like, this is interesting. 1.00
02:48:02.000 It's like they're trying to check me to see, but I know I'm sober.
02:48:04.000 I'm like, come on.
02:48:06.000 Come on, you know I'm sober.
02:48:08.000 But it was interesting, because they make you do all the stuff, and I did it all perfectly.
02:48:12.000 You know, like the balance stuff and everything.
02:48:14.000 I was like, okay, can I go?
02:48:15.000 And they're like, alright.
02:48:16.000 And they let me go.
02:48:22.000 When we went to Canada for the first time, you're not allowed to bring drugs into Canada, obviously.
02:48:27.000 Did you bring drugs into Canada?
02:48:28.000 I brought a little bit of drugs into Canada.
02:48:29.000 What'd you bring?
02:48:30.000 Just weed, a one-hitter.
02:48:32.000 I brought a glass one-hitter.
02:48:33.000 Where was it?
02:48:35.000 I had it with me because it was the first time on the tour bus.
02:48:38.000 Did they have a dog?
02:48:39.000 No.
02:48:40.000 So I said, what I'm going to do, Leanne was with me.
02:48:42.000 So it was Jesus Trejo.
02:48:44.000 And I said, I'm going to, it's my first time on the tour bus.
02:48:46.000 I'm going to have a cocktail.
02:48:47.000 I'm going to smoke this one hitter.
02:48:49.000 I'm going to enjoy the tour bus.
02:48:51.000 All of a sudden the doors open and they're like, we're at Borders, and I hadn't hit my one hitter. 0.98
02:48:54.000 So I fucking panicked. 0.97
02:48:55.000 I run back to the bathroom. 0.98
02:48:57.000 It's a brand new tour bus.
02:48:58.000 I've never been in a tour bus.
02:48:59.000 I don't know how lights work.
02:49:00.000 I don't know how anything works.
02:49:01.000 I just know I got to clean out this one hitter.
02:49:03.000 You got to clean it out by smoking weed while you're at the border?
02:49:06.000 I got to empty it and throw it in the garbage.
02:49:08.000 I got to get rid of it.
02:49:09.000 I got to flush it.
02:49:10.000 Right.
02:49:11.000 Drop the glass one hitter. 0.99
02:49:12.000 It shatters.
02:49:13.000 Okay.
02:49:14.000 I scramble.
02:49:15.000 I can't figure out how to get the lights on.
02:49:17.000 I get the weed.
02:49:18.000 I put it in the toilet.
02:49:21.000 Literally, doors are opening.
02:49:23.000 And they're like, hey, Border Patrol, we're here to search the bus.
02:49:25.000 I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. 1.00
02:49:27.000 The one thing Leanne said was, do not bring drugs into fucking Canada. 0.99
02:49:32.000 So we go into the holding thing, and we're there for like an hour and a half at 2 in the fucking morning. 0.99
02:49:36.000 An hour and a half we're waiting, and I'm like, I'm fucking busted. 0.97
02:49:39.000 And the guy comes in and he goes, you guys are all good. 0.95
02:49:44.000 And I was like, oh, thank God.
02:49:46.000 So as we're walking to the bus, I'm still a little buzzed and I'm feeling loose and I go, hey man, just out of curiosity, like what would have happened if we had brought drugs into Canada?
02:49:57.000 And he goes, you mean hypothetically like say someone had a glass one-hitter in their bathroom, shattered it, tried to throw it in the toilet and didn't flush it?
02:50:04.000 And immediately everyone looks at me and I'm like, yeah, like that.
02:50:07.000 And he'd go, I'd say it's an honor meeting the machine.
02:50:09.000 Enjoy your tour in Canada.
02:50:11.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:50:12.000 I went, and Leah got on the bus, she goes, you fucking cocksucker! 1.00
02:50:16.000 You brought drugs! 1.00
02:50:17.000 I was like, yeah, I brought drugs.
02:50:18.000 A little bit of drugs.
02:50:19.000 A little bit of drugs should be like a, that should be the, you know, where you go.
02:50:23.000 A little bit.
02:50:24.000 Yeah, like a Brittany Griner.
02:50:25.000 They should have a Brittany Griner amount that you can bring, a vape pen.
02:50:29.000 Come on, you're not selling a vape pen.
02:50:31.000 Brittany Griner amount.
02:50:32.000 Wasn't hers just CBD too?
02:50:34.000 No, I don't know.
02:50:35.000 Was it actually weed?
02:50:36.000 I'm certain it was.
02:50:37.000 Who knows if it actually even happened?
02:50:39.000 They might have just planted that on her. 1.00
02:50:40.000 We were going to go to Russia to promote the movie.
02:50:44.000 Yeah, promote the movie.
02:50:45.000 Why not?
02:50:46.000 Are you kidding me?
02:50:47.000 Okay.
02:50:48.000 Okay.
02:50:49.000 You sound like Sony right now.
02:50:50.000 So, what if?
02:50:52.000 What if I get arrested?
02:50:55.000 They're not going to send someone for you.
02:50:59.000 Look at me.
02:51:00.000 How good would the movie do? 0.93
02:51:02.000 You're not a six and a half foot tall lesbian that is the star of the WNBA. No, no, no. 1.00
02:51:09.000 Hang on.
02:51:10.000 Let's work this out.
02:51:10.000 Would you?
02:51:11.000 I bet.
02:51:12.000 But there's a Marine that's in jail over there.
02:51:14.000 And they had the option to release him or release Brittany Griner.
02:51:20.000 And they released Brittany Griner.
02:51:22.000 For real?
02:51:22.000 Yeah.
02:51:23.000 What did the Marine do?
02:51:24.000 Weed?
02:51:26.000 No.
02:51:27.000 Some sort of classified information he had.
02:51:32.000 Would you try to get me out?
02:51:34.000 Of course I would.
02:51:35.000 I forget what the actual charge was.
02:51:39.000 So you can find that.
02:51:41.000 But he was doing something like trying to sneak out classified information from Russia.
02:51:46.000 That's what he's like.
02:51:46.000 A little different than a vape pen.
02:51:48.000 Yeah, it is.
02:51:49.000 But they're both in jail.
02:51:50.000 Yeah.
02:51:51.000 And they offered this arms dealer.
02:51:53.000 This arms dealer that we traded for Brittany Griner?
02:51:55.000 Yeah.
02:51:56.000 They offered the arms dealer for the Marine guy.
02:51:58.000 Oh, for real?
02:51:58.000 Yeah, and they said no.
02:52:00.000 Yeah. 0.59
02:52:01.000 That's this goofy administration that we're dealing with right here.
02:52:04.000 But both of them should be saved.
02:52:07.000 Talks continue on exchange of U.S. ex-Marine held in Russia.
02:52:11.000 So this is December 8th, 2023. 2022, rather.
02:52:15.000 Sorry.
02:52:18.000 So this was a while ago.
02:52:21.000 You know Putin's got to listen to your podcast, right?
02:52:24.000 I hope so.
02:52:24.000 Hey, what's up, bro?
02:52:26.000 He'd be- I guarantee you- Guy's got solid judo.
02:52:29.000 Does he?
02:52:30.000 Yep.
02:52:30.000 Yeah, praise him on his judo.
02:52:32.000 He's got legit judo.
02:52:33.000 He's a judo black belt.
02:52:34.000 If he wanted to fly you over, would you- Nay. 1.00
02:52:37.000 Wait, what's wrong with your brain? 0.98
02:52:38.000 I would love that. 0.99
02:52:39.000 Why would you do that?
02:52:40.000 I would love it.
02:52:41.000 Because if anything- Do you know the story about Robert Kraft and the football in the Super Bowl ring?
02:52:46.000 Where he took his ring and put it on and then kept it? 0.83
02:52:48.000 Yeah, so I could kill someone with this ring. 0.98
02:52:50.000 I'd lose this watch in a heartbeat. 0.99
02:52:52.000 Yeah, you would lose that watch in a heartbeat, but no one cares about a watch.
02:52:54.000 He can get a watch, but he can't get a Super Bowl ring.
02:52:57.000 So he just took the Super Bowl ring.
02:53:00.000 Dude, that's a different kind of human.
02:53:03.000 He's probably one of, if not the richest man in the world.
02:53:09.000 And, you know, the fact that he just did that to that dude and just walked off with that ring.
02:53:13.000 But what about the prospect of you hanging out with Putin and turning him into a cooler dude? 1.00
02:53:17.000 I am out of your fucking mind. 1.00
02:53:19.000 Yeah, hey, forget about all those people that you killed that were your political opponents. 1.00
02:53:23.000 Let's be cool now.
02:53:26.000 Just be a different person now.
02:53:27.000 Be a totally different human with a totally different background that wasn't in the KGB, that isn't a dictator, that doesn't control information and control what news gets distributed to your people, that doesn't have a lockdown on the internet and is in complete control of all the oligarchs in your country to the point where they're so embedded with you that when you go to war with Ukraine,
02:53:50.000 they steal the oligarchs' yachts.
02:53:53.000 Because they confiscate them, because they shouldn't have the money that they have, because the only way they can have the money they have is if they're in cahoots with you, and you're obviously evil.
02:54:01.000 You're never going to get an invite talking this way!
02:54:04.000 Yeah, it's not my gig. 1.00
02:54:06.000 You don't care about any of that shit, though. 0.99
02:54:08.000 I still want to meet Kim Jong-un. 1.00
02:54:10.000 Whoa.
02:54:10.000 Yeah.
02:54:14.000 Shit like that interests me. 1.00
02:54:16.000 What interests me is Trump meeting him. 1.00
02:54:18.000 That was interesting.
02:54:19.000 Met Kim Jong Un?
02:54:19.000 After he called him Little Rocket Man, he goes to meet him.
02:54:22.000 Shakes his hand, they're all smiling.
02:54:27.000 Yeah, that's an awful game.
02:54:31.000 You're meeting dictators.
02:54:36.000 I mean, if you're the President of the United States like Trump, but you're trying to make foreign relationships better, you're supposed to do that.
02:54:42.000 It's good.
02:54:43.000 Oh, wow.
02:54:44.000 Look at that look in his face. 1.00
02:54:46.000 It's also the fucking mocking glare that Trump gives everyone. 1.00
02:54:52.000 Because it's like, with Trump, when Trump's talking to someone, it's always like, be nice or I'm going to talk shit. 1.00
02:55:00.000 Like, no matter what, it's like, I may talk shit. 0.99
02:55:04.000 Like, well, let's get through this. 0.99
02:55:06.000 Let's have an agreement.
02:55:08.000 Hey, nice to meet you too. 1.00
02:55:09.000 Don't say nothing or I'll talk shit. 0.98
02:55:12.000 Even the way this smug look on his face while he's shaking hands with the guy. 1.00
02:55:17.000 What a fucking character. 1.00
02:55:18.000 This is an adjacent conversation. 1.00
02:55:21.000 Look at that.
02:55:21.000 That's the border.
02:55:22.000 Oh, that's where they met?
02:55:23.000 Right at the parallel? 1.00
02:55:25.000 That's the fucking line. 0.99
02:55:27.000 Imagine the guy that installed those grates. 1.00
02:55:29.000 That's two different companies.
02:55:31.000 Obviously not one company installed both those grates.
02:55:34.000 I know, right?
02:55:35.000 It has to be.
02:55:35.000 But what about the building?
02:55:37.000 How the fuck is there one building that crosses both lines? 0.96
02:55:40.000 Who built that building? 1.00
02:55:41.000 Who built that fucking building? 1.00
02:55:42.000 Did they meet in the middle? 1.00
02:55:44.000 The North Korea thing is wild. 0.99
02:55:47.000 When I had Yeonmi Park on, and she explained how she got out of North Korea when she was 13, how she escaped and went to China, it's one of those stories you're like, holy shit! 0.98
02:55:58.000 She's talking about how people are starving in North Korea. 0.99
02:56:01.000 Those are the kind of people that don't want to hear nothing about all this Marxism and woke communist bullshit. 0.99
02:56:07.000 They don't want to hear nothing about that, because they know this is where this goes. 0.98
02:56:10.000 What they said to all those people there, they said, we can all have food.
02:56:14.000 If everyone just gives up their land, all these people that own land, they're the problem. 1.00
02:56:19.000 We give up the land, then we'll all have the land.
02:56:21.000 And the moment they did that, the moment people agreed to that, Everybody's starving.
02:56:26.000 Then the government controls the food distribution, and if you try to take more than you share, you get killed. 0.99
02:56:32.000 It's horrific shit what they did. 1.00
02:56:35.000 Horrific shit. 1.00
02:56:35.000 But it all was under the guise of making a more equitable society, making a more fair and just world. 1.00
02:56:42.000 Like, why should these rich people have these farms? 0.74
02:56:44.000 Why should we give it to the state?
02:56:47.000 And then all of a sudden the state is in control and everybody's starving.
02:56:50.000 People are eating bugs, just trying to stay alive.
02:56:53.000 Yeah, I didn't watch that episode.
02:56:55.000 It's rough.
02:56:56.000 But that's the problem with, like, shaking hands with a dictator.
02:56:59.000 Like, what are you doing?
02:57:01.000 What's the difference?
02:57:02.000 I mean, arguably, obviously I know I'm going to get lit up for saying this, but what's the difference between shaking hands with our president?
02:57:08.000 It's a big difference.
02:57:09.000 The way this country is run, it's not perfect, but the way this country is run is so fucking superior to any system that That is anywhere else in the world because the checks and balances that were put in place by the founding fathers.
02:57:25.000 They knew that tyranny is a natural course of progression for human nature.
02:57:30.000 It's just what people do when they get in control, they become dictators, and they put all these checks and balances in the House and the Senate, and they did it all, the Electoral College, to make sure that this term limits.
02:57:42.000 Make sure that you can't do that.
02:57:43.000 Make sure you can't do what Putin's doing.
02:57:45.000 Make sure you can't do what Kim Jong-un's doing.
02:57:47.000 Because when you get into a position like that, just look at what they try to do.
02:57:50.000 Look at what people try to do to stop criticism on Twitter. 0.84
02:57:54.000 They fucking send the FBI to Twitter to try to remove people from Twitter because they're saying things that interferes with the way they govern. 0.99
02:58:02.000 All that shit is natural and the founding fathers of this country were the only people that put together a system to mitigate that and over time these fucking cunts and these corrupt shitheads have done an amazing job of trying to chip away at that or convince people that it should be chipped away at and Convince people that freedom is not important. 0.99
02:58:24.000 What's important is equity and inclusiveness and diversity in it. 1.00
02:58:27.000 No, no, no, no, no, no That is a fucking That's a sheep costume that the wolf wears. 0.99
02:58:34.000 And the wolf is control. 0.99
02:58:35.000 The wolf is control over people and forcing people to bend to your ideological will, whether it's the will of the people on the right or the will of the people on the left.
02:58:45.000 That's what it comes in.
02:58:46.000 It comes in the form of, like, equity and inclusiveness.
02:58:50.000 We're going to make things fair.
02:58:51.000 I think you're saying the same thing almost, right?
02:58:53.000 Because it's kind of—it's almost like McCarthyism, like where they start— Saying this is how it works.
02:58:59.000 You can't question...
02:59:01.000 Yeah, whatever it is.
02:59:04.000 Anything.
02:59:04.000 Climate change.
02:59:05.000 It's happening there, too, almost, right?
02:59:07.000 It's happening on both places.
02:59:09.000 Well, it's a natural thing that people do.
02:59:11.000 They don't want people questioning things because they don't.
02:59:14.000 Just like...
02:59:15.000 You don't want someone to ask you, who's Freddie Games?
02:59:17.000 Nobody, forget it.
02:59:19.000 That's what it's like.
02:59:20.000 It's like they don't want to deal with all the different things that you have to deal with when you're debating something and you want to be proven correct.
02:59:29.000 So what's the best way to do it?
02:59:30.000 Just silence that person. 1.00
02:59:31.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
02:59:32.000 Take him off Twitter. 1.00
02:59:34.000 Ban him. 0.82
02:59:34.000 Lock him up. 0.82
02:59:35.000 Put him in jail.
02:59:36.000 Give him a house arrest.
02:59:38.000 Sue him. 0.98
02:59:39.000 Find a way to stop it.
02:59:41.000 And that's what people do.
02:59:42.000 It's a natural thing that people do.
02:59:44.000 Yeah.
02:59:45.000 It sounds to me like it happens everywhere.
02:59:49.000 It sort of happens everywhere, but here is the best version of it.
02:59:53.000 This is the best version of it.
02:59:54.000 This is the most free version of it in the world.
02:59:55.000 We're kind of doing it to ourselves a little bit. 0.83
02:59:58.000 But we aren't also because you and I are on a fucking podcast right now that millions of people are listening to and we're not being censored at all. 0.86
03:00:04.000 So this exists here uniquely. 0.93
03:00:07.000 You have to understand that.
03:00:09.000 This ability to broadcast to millions of people without any censorship, without no oversight, there's no one leaning over our shoulder, that's unprecedented.
03:00:20.000 It's going to sound super naive.
03:00:21.000 There are no Russian podcasts?
03:00:22.000 Of course there are.
03:00:23.000 But I'm sure they're censored. 1.00
03:00:25.000 Look, if you're a Russian and you talk shit about the government, you're fucked. 1.00
03:00:29.000 You know what they did with Pussy Riot? 1.00
03:00:31.000 You know, they put Pussy Riot in fucking jail for talking badly about the government. 1.00
03:00:35.000 I know Pussy Riot got in jail, but I didn't know. 0.99
03:00:39.000 Yeah, if you are a political dissenter in Russia, like an aggressive political dissenter, your life is in danger.
03:00:46.000 For real?
03:00:47.000 Yeah, for real.
03:00:48.000 Yeah, yeah.
03:00:49.000 If you become a problem over there, your life's in danger.
03:00:52.000 Yeah.
03:00:52.000 I mean, all I know is...
03:00:54.000 Russia is nearly isolated online.
03:00:56.000 What does that mean for the internet's future?
03:00:58.000 Concerns about the emergence of splinter debt, a balkanization of the web, have been gaining momentum.
03:01:04.000 The war in Ukraine threatens to make them a reality.
03:01:07.000 So that's what you have to recognize.
03:01:08.000 Like, Russia does not have access to, like, unless they're using some sort of a portal to get out.
03:01:14.000 They're using a VPN or something. 0.99
03:01:16.000 And even that's dangerous, because if they catch you using a VPN, you're fucked. 0.94
03:01:20.000 But they have no access to, like, all the stuff that we read. 0.98
03:01:25.000 They have no access to Wall Street Journal articles.
03:01:28.000 They have no access to, like, all the things that we...
03:01:31.000 They have access to Russian state-sponsored internet.
03:01:35.000 This is...
03:01:35.000 I must be the most naive person in the world.
03:01:40.000 Is our government controlling our internet?
03:01:43.000 No.
03:01:43.000 But they want to.
03:01:45.000 They would like to.
03:01:46.000 But, you know, 4chan?
03:01:48.000 4chan doesn't exist if the government's controlling it.
03:01:51.000 Reddit doesn't exist if the government's controlling it.
03:01:54.000 What our government is doing, though, For sure, whether they admit it or not, they have a bunch of people that are hired to post and say things that go along with their narrative and aggressively argue and try to shame and attack people that go against the narrative.
03:02:10.000 Whatever that narrative is, whether it's climate change or COVID lockdowns or the war in Ukraine or whatever the narrative is the government's pushing, for sure, just like they have over in Russia, They have those troll farms where they make fake Facebook pages and attack people.
03:02:26.000 For sure our government does that.
03:02:28.000 There's not a chance in hell they don't.
03:02:29.000 Not a chance in hell they would not utilize that resource for propaganda.
03:02:34.000 We created it, right?
03:02:36.000 The internet?
03:02:36.000 No, we created overthrowing governments and creating dialogues.
03:02:40.000 Well, I mean, people have been doing that since the beginning of time, but for sure we have been involved in regime change wars for Forever.
03:02:48.000 Forever.
03:02:49.000 I mean, that is literally Smedley Butler's 1933 article he wrote, War is a Racket.
03:02:59.000 Have you ever read that?
03:03:00.000 No. 0.99
03:03:01.000 War is a Racket, this guy Smedley Butler, who's a general, who's this like decorated war hero, who realized at the end of his career that the whole thing that he thought he was doing was bullshit. 0.93
03:03:14.000 And that war was just, pull it up, because it's worth revisiting every year and a half or two years. 0.84
03:03:20.000 Smedley Racket?
03:03:21.000 Smedley Butler.
03:03:22.000 It's called Smedley Racket.
03:03:25.000 War is a Racket.
03:03:28.000 1935, a short book.
03:03:30.000 Yeah.
03:03:31.000 But it's basically, he's basically saying that he realized along the way that what he was doing, where he thought he was like making the world safe and stopping tyrants and being just,
03:03:49.000 that he was really making things safe for bankers and for people that were trying to acquire natural resources.
03:03:57.000 Put that back up, please.
03:03:59.000 Just right where you were.
03:04:00.000 War is a racket.
03:04:02.000 It always has been.
03:04:03.000 It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious.
03:04:08.000 It is the only one international in scope.
03:04:11.000 It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives.
03:04:17.000 A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of people.
03:04:24.000 To the majority of the people.
03:04:26.000 Only a small inside group knows what it is about.
03:04:30.000 It is conducted for the benefit of the very few at the expense of the very many.
03:04:34.000 Out of war, a few people make huge fortunes.
03:04:39.000 Butler confesses that during his decades of service in the United States Marine Corps, he goes, I helped...
03:04:45.000 I helped make Mexico, especially Tampico, safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in.
03:05:00.000 I helped in the raping of a half a dozen Central American republics for the benefit of Wall Street.
03:05:07.000 The record of racketeering is long.
03:05:09.000 I helped purify Nicaragua for the International Banking House of the Brown Brothers in 1909 to 1912. Where have I heard that name before?
03:05:19.000 I brought to light the Dominican Republic for American Sugar Interest in 1916. In China, I helped see it to that standard oil... 0.94
03:05:28.000 I helped...
03:05:29.000 See to it that standard oil went its way unmolested.
03:05:33.000 So these are all things at the very beginning of the 20th century that he's discussing that most of us aren't even aware of anymore that our government did in order to secure money and to secure national resources, natural resources to make things safe for bankers.
03:05:51.000 And it's like, we've been doing it this way forever.
03:05:57.000 It's the rub.
03:05:58.000 It's the rub. 1.00
03:05:59.000 It's the fucking whole thing with the vaccine. 1.00
03:06:01.000 It's the rub. 1.00
03:06:03.000 I mean...
03:06:04.000 It's money.
03:06:05.000 Yeah.
03:06:06.000 They're willing to do things for money that cost lives.
03:06:09.000 And the people that are making the money don't experience the loss.
03:06:14.000 Because they're not losing their lives. 0.99
03:06:16.000 And they've been doing it that way for fucking ever. 0.99
03:06:19.000 Forever. 0.99
03:06:20.000 And every now and again, we forget.
03:06:23.000 And we get naive. 1.00
03:06:24.000 And we're like, they wouldn't fuck us again. 1.00
03:06:26.000 And then they fucked you again. 1.00
03:06:29.000 The fact that people believed in the pharmaceutical companies is wild. 1.00
03:06:35.000 Wild.
03:06:36.000 They're the people with the biggest criminal fines in history.
03:06:39.000 Criminal fines, where people die.
03:06:41.000 Like, if you get a criminal fine, like, say if you make pants, and the pants, they fucking fall apart, and they go, oh, you knew these pants were gonna fall apart, we're gonna hit you with a criminal fine.
03:06:54.000 It's okay.
03:06:54.000 It's no big deal.
03:06:55.000 It's just pants.
03:06:56.000 Their criminal fines are for drugs that kill you.
03:07:00.000 Things where they knew you were going to, like Vioxx, where they knew people were going to have strokes.
03:07:05.000 And they still...
03:07:06.000 I don't know what Vioxx is.
03:07:07.000 It was an anti-inflammatory medication that killed 50,000 plus people.
03:07:13.000 They were fined, I believe they were fined $5 billion off of $12 billion that they made off of the drug.
03:07:20.000 So they made money.
03:07:21.000 They make money.
03:07:22.000 So they get a big fat finder who's like, well, we find them.
03:07:24.000 Yeah, but how much did they make?
03:07:26.000 They made more money than you find them.
03:07:29.000 This is wild.
03:07:30.000 So you allow them to profit off of people dying. 1.00
03:07:32.000 And it's a fucking shell game. 1.00
03:07:35.000 And they move money around. 1.00
03:07:37.000 They pay off politicians. 1.00
03:07:39.000 And you see people talk shit in Congress. 1.00
03:07:42.000 And you know they're bought and paid for. 1.00
03:07:44.000 And it's like the whole thing is wild.
03:07:48.000 It's medley-butler all over again.
03:07:51.000 It's been like that from the beginning of time.
03:07:53.000 It says it's because of Fukushima, but I was looking up the largest fines, and it's $95 billion in damage.
03:08:00.000 Oh, wow.
03:08:00.000 Yeah, that's a big one.
03:08:01.000 Is that the earthquake or the tsunami?
03:08:02.000 That's a big one.
03:08:04.000 Oh, yeah, that was a tsunami.
03:08:05.000 Yeah.
03:08:06.000 Wow.
03:08:08.000 So Pfizer's a big one, $2.3 billion in criminal and civil fines, the largest in recent pharmaceutical history.
03:08:16.000 That BP one was pretty big too.
03:08:18.000 2.3 billion.
03:08:21.000 These are disasters, right?
03:08:23.000 These are like accidental things.
03:08:24.000 It's not a side effect of a drug they release.
03:08:26.000 But here's where I get hung up a little bit. 1.00
03:08:30.000 It's like, I don't know, fuck it, I don't care. 1.00
03:08:34.000 Oh, we gave up! 1.00
03:08:35.000 I gave up.
03:08:37.000 I'm not going to Russia.
03:08:38.000 Yeah, don't go to Russia.
03:08:40.000 Please.
03:08:40.000 I thought it would be a fun way to promo the movie.
03:08:42.000 They would 100% put you in jail.
03:08:43.000 You think?
03:08:44.000 Yeah.
03:08:44.000 Why wouldn't they?
03:08:45.000 Fuck him. 1.00
03:08:46.000 Put him in jail. 1.00
03:08:47.000 Wow.
03:08:48.000 Dieselgate.
03:08:49.000 VW's emission scandals cost the car.
03:08:51.000 I think that...
03:08:53.000 Okay, criminal and civil fines.
03:08:56.000 Yeah.
03:08:57.000 I don't...
03:08:58.000 What, does it cost them already?
03:09:00.000 That's wild.
03:09:01.000 Well, it probably also, to date, VW has paid $34.9 billion in criminal and civil fines, so they paid it so far.
03:09:11.000 And that was about lying about how much emissions they produced, right? 0.96
03:09:16.000 Yeah, so they fucked with their emissions. 0.99
03:09:19.000 Who would have thought that the Nazis would just lie? 1.00
03:09:22.000 They're not Nazis.
03:09:23.000 I thought you were talking about the real Nazis.
03:09:25.000 Well, the VW was started by the Nazis. 0.83
03:09:28.000 Oh, was it?
03:09:28.000 Oh, yeah.
03:09:29.000 It's a people's fucking wagon. 0.98
03:09:31.000 Facebook's paid out five billion in penalties for privacy violations. 0.99
03:09:34.000 Whoopsies.
03:09:35.000 Sorry.
03:09:37.000 Whoopsies.
03:09:37.000 How much did they make?
03:09:38.000 They could pay off five billion.
03:09:40.000 What about this?
03:09:40.000 I feel like I'm going to put it in very small terms.
03:09:42.000 Okay. 0.99
03:09:43.000 Do you remember the comic that would tell you, you got to check your numbers, they're going to fuck you on the bonuses. 0.96
03:09:47.000 Oh, a lot of people tell you that. 0.99
03:09:49.000 Yeah, and then sometimes you go, yeah, but I'm not gonna be the guy that sits here and looks at every fucking table. 0.96
03:09:55.000 Oh, I have. 0.99
03:09:56.000 I have when I knew that someone was fucking me. 0.98
03:09:58.000 There's this one guy that someone told me to look out for and then he did it to me. 0.97
03:10:02.000 He tried to tell me that he gave away comps.
03:10:05.000 I go, what are you talking about?
03:10:06.000 I go, we have a contract.
03:10:08.000 He goes, well, what do you want to do about the comps? 1.00
03:10:09.000 I go, Give me the fucking money. 0.99
03:10:12.000 Like, what are you talking about? 1.00
03:10:13.000 You didn't pay comps, you fucking liar. 1.00
03:10:16.000 Give me the money. 1.00
03:10:16.000 You've been doing this to everybody. 1.00
03:10:17.000 Like, he would do it to everybody.
03:10:19.000 We'd tell you, like, you didn't really sell out.
03:10:21.000 And he'd be like, there's not an empty seat in this place.
03:10:23.000 Nah, it just looks like that.
03:10:24.000 Look you straight in the eye.
03:10:26.000 He did that to me one time, and then I came back a year later.
03:10:30.000 This time I sold it out way in advance.
03:10:33.000 And when I sold it out, in advance, before I got to the club, everything was sold out, he tried to tell me he gave away 150 comps a show.
03:10:40.000 I was like, what are you talking about?
03:10:43.000 We were looking at each other where I knew he was lying. 0.99
03:10:46.000 You know when you make an eye contact with someone, and you know they're trying to fuck you over? 0.99
03:10:51.000 And they know that you know, but the words keep coming out of their mouth? 1.00
03:10:54.000 And then I just go, give me the fucking money. 0.99
03:10:58.000 And then he just cuts the check, and I never work for him again. 0.99
03:11:01.000 And I told everybody. 1.00
03:11:02.000 I'm like, fuck you, man. 1.00
03:11:05.000 Like, you're a thief. 1.00
03:11:06.000 You're just a thief pretending to be doing business. 1.00
03:11:09.000 This is thievery. 1.00
03:11:11.000 You're lying. 1.00
03:11:12.000 Like, we have a deal, and you're trying to make more money than you deserve, because you're a cunt. 1.00
03:11:18.000 I agree. 1.00
03:11:20.000 My point I was trying to make was a little bit adjacent to that, but like, yes, for you to say that, I listen to it. 0.80
03:11:27.000 But how many comics do you know that have said, yeah, they fuck you on your bonuses, and I go, yeah, but you don't sell out. 0.74
03:11:33.000 Yeah, that's a problem. 0.97
03:11:34.000 And so that's my problem with everything I learned.
03:11:37.000 Like, I listened to you and Russell Brand, and it was, man, it was a lot.
03:11:39.000 It was a lot.
03:11:40.000 Russell's amazing.
03:11:41.000 It was so much that I was like, I had to listen to him in chunks.
03:11:45.000 People think he's on Fast Forward.
03:11:47.000 He talks so fast.
03:11:48.000 People think he's on Fast Forward.
03:11:49.000 He doesn't even do drugs.
03:11:50.000 He's so good.
03:11:51.000 He's amazing.
03:11:52.000 He was great on Bill Maher, too.
03:11:53.000 Did you see him on Bill Maher?
03:11:54.000 Of course.
03:11:55.000 When he's going after with that CNBC guy.
03:11:58.000 Hilarious!
03:11:58.000 Or MSNBC. I would love for him to come into an argument with me and my wife and take my side.
03:12:03.000 And they go, Russell's gonna speak for me.
03:12:05.000 I've been drinking.
03:12:06.000 He knows how to do it with humor.
03:12:08.000 He's really great.
03:12:09.000 Yeah.
03:12:09.000 But there are so many...
03:12:12.000 The problem is with everything going on in the world right now, there are so many narratives, so many people. 0.98
03:12:17.000 And I take it back to the comics and the club going, you get fucked on bonuses. 0.53
03:12:21.000 You hear that from so many people that you know that aren't selling tickets, that if I hear it from you, that's one thing. 0.98
03:12:26.000 Most of the time you don't get fucked on bonuses. 0.98
03:12:28.000 Most of the time you don't. 0.98
03:12:29.000 That's why the reason why it's so upsetting when someone tries to rip you off is because it's so cliche in Hollywood, in show business, but it's so rare.
03:12:39.000 So when someone, like, this guy had done it to someone else, then Stan Hope had warned me about it, and then Dom Irera had warned me about it.
03:12:45.000 I think I know the club.
03:12:46.000 Yeah, I bet you know the club. 1.00
03:12:48.000 But it's like, you know, now everybody knows you fucking cunt. 1.00
03:12:51.000 Yeah. 1.00
03:12:52.000 It's the power of talking behind people's back.
03:12:55.000 Yeah.
03:12:55.000 Well, it's also the power of, you know, we're honest with each other.
03:12:59.000 You know, and, like, you want to know, like, where's a good place to work?
03:13:01.000 Oh, you know, Acme is great, and, like, work at this place.
03:13:04.000 The comedy works in Denver.
03:13:05.000 You know, everybody talks about the good spots and how fun it is.
03:13:08.000 But we also talk about someone who's, you know, there's people that are thieves, man.
03:13:12.000 They're just, they're trying to lie and swindle.
03:13:14.000 I mean, you hear about it all the time in the news. 0.99
03:13:16.000 There's always someone getting fucked because someone lied about something and stealing money. 0.97
03:13:22.000 I had this CoffeeZilla guy on. 0.94
03:13:25.000 Do you know who he is?
03:13:25.000 The internet guy?
03:13:27.000 He's a great guy.
03:13:28.000 He's got a YouTube show.
03:13:29.000 And he mostly busts people with scams. 0.74
03:13:33.000 And he busts people with crypto scams and explains how they're doing this and how they're fucking people over.
03:13:43.000 It's fascinating how much of that stuff is going on.
03:13:46.000 Fascinating. 0.98
03:13:47.000 I look at it like, I never understood the whole crypto fucking Dinah, whatever the fuck the NTF stuff was. 0.99
03:13:53.000 NFTs. 0.99
03:13:54.000 NFTs.
03:13:54.000 And then you watch it go south.
03:13:56.000 Yeah.
03:13:56.000 And then part of me goes, oh, thank God I didn't try to understand that.
03:13:59.000 Yeah, but now it seems like regular money's going south. 1.00
03:14:01.000 Like, what did you fuck? 1.00
03:14:02.000 Yeah, what's going on? 1.00
03:14:03.000 Yeah.
03:14:04.000 Are we poor? 1.00
03:14:04.000 Are we fucked? 1.00
03:14:05.000 Do I need to buy gold? 1.00
03:14:07.000 How many bullets am I going to need?
03:14:09.000 I don't understand still what's happening.
03:14:11.000 It's the 22s that you need.
03:14:13.000 I've been hearing the regulators are making a statement about crypto, is what I've heard is maybe the underlying issue of what's going on.
03:14:26.000 Oh, they're blaming crypto.
03:14:27.000 Are you serious?
03:14:28.000 They're tanking the banks to blame crypto to keep people in a 15-minute radius of their house, keep you on a social credit score system. 1.00
03:14:34.000 We're fucked! 0.95
03:14:35.000 But because of this, crypto's gone up. 0.99
03:14:37.000 It went up 15% today almost.
03:14:39.000 Right, because nobody trusts regular money anymore. 1.00
03:14:41.000 Fuck crypto. 1.00
03:14:42.000 It's all gross. 1.00
03:14:44.000 I should've listened to Red Band back in the day.
03:14:47.000 We should just buy gold.
03:14:48.000 Really?
03:14:49.000 Yeah.
03:14:49.000 I don't know.
03:14:50.000 22 bullets.
03:14:51.000 Rifle.
03:14:52.000 A.22 rifle.
03:14:53.000 Those bullets are the most valuable thing.
03:14:55.000 Why?
03:14:56.000 Because a.22 rifle is the most valuable thing you can have.
03:15:01.000 What?
03:15:01.000 It's good for hunting.
03:15:03.000 What?
03:15:03.000 Small things.
03:15:05.000 Yeah, but why do you want to hunt small things?
03:15:07.000 I don't know.
03:15:08.000 You want to shoot a big thing, so you only have to eat like one thing a week.
03:15:11.000 This is an example of me regurgitating a conversation I heard in New Orleans. 1.00
03:15:16.000 Yeah, those people in New Orleans need to shut the fuck up. 1.00
03:15:19.000 Whoever told you that doesn't really hunt. 1.00
03:15:21.000 They said 22 bullets.
03:15:22.000 See if you can find that, Jamie.
03:15:23.000 There's got to be truth to this.
03:15:24.000 I know I heard this.
03:15:25.000 Well, you could shoot squirrels and rabbits and stuff.
03:15:27.000 No, but 22 rifle bullets are the hardest thing to get in an apocalypse.
03:15:30.000 Okay.
03:15:31.000 Maybe because they don't make that many of them.
03:15:33.000 But you don't want a.22.
03:15:35.000 Like, you want a more versatile round, you know?
03:15:41.000 A rifle. 0.96
03:15:42.000 You want something that can kill everything. 0.99
03:15:43.000 Yeah. 1.00
03:15:43.000 You want something that can kill a moose and a deer and a fucking groundhog. 1.00
03:15:47.000 Like, whatever the fuck you want to shoot. 1.00
03:15:48.000 But you can't kill a groundhog with the same thing you kill a moose with, you'll destroy it. 1.00
03:15:51.000 You certainly can.
03:15:51.000 No.
03:15:52.000 For real?
03:15:52.000 You certainly can.
03:15:53.000 Yeah, you headshot them. 0.99
03:15:55.000 And their heads explode. 0.99
03:15:56.000 Boom.
03:15:58.000 Yeah, there's a video of Brock Lesnar shooting, I think it's groundhogs, prairie dogs.
03:16:06.000 He's shooting, because prairie dogs dig holes, and cows step in them, and they snap their legs, and horses step in them and break their legs.
03:16:14.000 And so when they have them on ranches, they kill them.
03:16:16.000 And they're shooting them with a.50 caliber. 0.98
03:16:19.000 Hmm.
03:16:20.000 Which is like, that's a round.
03:16:22.000 You get a concussion from a 50 caliber. 0.99
03:16:25.000 Yeah, they're ridiculous. 0.90
03:16:25.000 I've shot 50 caliber rifles and then had panic attacks in my bed later. 0.90
03:16:32.000 They fucking concuss you. 0.99
03:16:34.000 Yeah, the boom is so scary. 1.00
03:16:36.000 Boom! 0.99
03:16:36.000 And it shakes your whole body, your fillings are loose, and you're just like, and then you reek of gunpowder. 0.99
03:16:45.000 Yeah, it's not good.
03:16:46.000 You don't need that.
03:16:48.000 You don't want to hunt squirrels with a.50 caliber.
03:16:50.000 But like a.300 Win Mag is like a good versatile round.
03:16:54.000 You can shoot deer with it.
03:16:55.000 You can shoot a moose with it.
03:16:57.000 You want a lot of those. 0.91
03:16:58.000 You want versatile bullets. 0.99
03:17:00.000 Like if the shit goes down, you don't want just.22s. 1.00
03:17:03.000 Because if you shoot a deer with a.22, you're probably going to wound it. 1.00
03:17:07.000 It's probably going to run away and you're probably never going to find it.
03:17:09.000 It might run miles and miles before you get to it before it dies.
03:17:12.000 Really?
03:17:12.000 You might not ever find it.
03:17:13.000 And it might not bleed a lot.
03:17:15.000 And blood trailing is very difficult.
03:17:18.000 You have to know what to look for.
03:17:19.000 You have to know how to do it.
03:17:20.000 It's not easy to trail an animal.
03:17:22.000 I'll never blood trail anything.
03:17:24.000 I'll never blood trail anything.
03:17:26.000 I'd be shocked if I ever killed anything other than fish.
03:17:28.000 Fish are easy.
03:17:29.000 They don't even take care of their kids. 0.98
03:17:32.000 They just cum. 1.00
03:17:33.000 They cum on eggs, and the kids just run away and get eaten. 0.99
03:17:39.000 Nobody cares about fish. 0.91
03:17:40.000 You can hold up a dead fish, no one cares.
03:17:42.000 Try to hold up a dead deer. 1.00
03:17:43.000 People will fucking freak out at you. 1.00
03:17:46.000 Yeah. 1.00
03:17:47.000 You know, hold up the paw of a dead bear you shot.
03:17:49.000 People will go nuts.
03:17:50.000 Is that the thing?
03:17:51.000 Oh yeah, people love bears. 1.00
03:17:53.000 They're so stupid. 1.00
03:17:54.000 They think the bear is like, Smokey the bear, why'd you kill Boo Boo? 1.00
03:17:59.000 Why did you kill Yogi? 1.00
03:18:01.000 It's a fucking predator that you can eat. 1.00
03:18:04.000 Colin Quinn used to have a joke about how he goes, everyone's trying to save the polar bears. 1.00
03:18:09.000 Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen.
03:18:10.000 If a polar bear walked into this room right now, you'd be throwing chairs at it.
03:18:13.000 It's true.
03:18:15.000 And it wouldn't help.
03:18:16.000 They'd run right through you.
03:18:18.000 They're terrifying.
03:18:19.000 Have you ever seen that video where there's a journalist who gets inside of a box in the Arctic and the polar bear is trying to get to him?
03:18:27.000 It's a giant plexiglass box that they built just for this, just to show how predatory polar bears are.
03:18:33.000 Polar bears are the most predatory of all bears because they're the only bear that doesn't eat any grass, doesn't eat any vegetables, no fruit.
03:18:41.000 Is that them drive?
03:18:42.000 No.
03:18:43.000 No, no, it's just a big steel box with cameras on it and where the bear can smell this guy.
03:18:50.000 So the bear walks up to this dude and realizes that there's some sort of a life form in there. 0.99
03:18:59.000 Oh shit. 0.99
03:19:08.000 Yeah, that bear, if it got to that guy, would just tear him apart. 1.00
03:19:13.000 No ifs, ands, or buts would definitely 100% eat him.
03:19:18.000 That's the difference between a polar bear and a grizzly bear, or a polar bear and a brown bear, or a polar bear and a black bear.
03:19:25.000 When grizzlies see you, they might not want to have anything to do with you.
03:19:30.000 A polar bear sees you, it's like, oh, I'll eat you.
03:19:33.000 You're a living thing.
03:19:35.000 Yeah, look at its mouth. 0.68
03:19:36.000 What's trying to bite.
03:19:37.000 Look at that. 1.00
03:19:38.000 Fuck all that. 1.00
03:19:40.000 Fuck all that. 1.00
03:19:42.000 Because they live in the harshest climate. 1.00
03:19:45.000 They have to be the most aggressive.
03:19:47.000 I've swam with great white sharks a bunch.
03:19:50.000 A bunch?
03:19:51.000 A bunch, yeah. 0.98
03:19:52.000 And I've done so much shit that I don't remember. 0.97
03:19:57.000 I remember hearing a podcast you did with a guy and he was like, he did it so well. 0.99
03:20:02.000 He was like, I lived, I stayed in the biggest cave in the world.
03:20:06.000 And I was like, ooh, what's this?
03:20:08.000 And then I realized, oh, I've been there too.
03:20:10.000 I've been there, yeah. 1.00
03:20:11.000 Well, you did that Travel Channel shit. 0.99
03:20:13.000 Yeah, I did so much shit that I don't remember, but I swam out of the cage of Great White Sharks, I swam in the cage of Great White Sharks. 1.00
03:20:20.000 And man, I'll tell you, there's a moment where you go, how do they know this has been tested? 0.99
03:20:27.000 Right, they don't.
03:20:28.000 You're in a cage and- Did you see that one that broke recently?
03:20:31.000 Yeah, I did.
03:20:32.000 Oh.
03:20:33.000 Someone builds it, then you sit out there and you go, let's hope it works. 1.00
03:20:36.000 Yeah, like this fucking asshole. 1.00
03:20:38.000 This guy and this silly bitch. 1.00
03:20:40.000 I would have been like, how do you know that that's going to stop the polar bear from eating me? 1.00
03:20:45.000 And do you guys have a method that you're going to use to chase the polar bear away?
03:20:49.000 And you can't tell a bear to take it at half speed.
03:20:51.000 You go, hey, we got it.
03:20:52.000 Cut.
03:20:53.000 Let's go.
03:20:53.000 Everyone rap.
03:20:54.000 Let's go to...
03:20:55.000 And when you want to leave, the bear decides, like, no, I'd rather just stay here and figure out a way to eat you.
03:21:01.000 So how do you shoo the bear off?
03:21:02.000 Are you going to shoot it?
03:21:03.000 You can't shoot it. 0.99
03:21:04.000 It's protected.
03:21:05.000 So what are you going to do? 1.00
03:21:06.000 You can shoot it. 1.00
03:21:07.000 I'll tell you. 1.00
03:21:07.000 I'll take the fine. 1.00
03:21:08.000 Would you?
03:21:09.000 It's a big fine.
03:21:10.000 Oh, yeah. 0.72
03:21:10.000 Dude, we did a race car, a NASCAR track in Thunder Valley, where they took us on a track at maybe like 110 miles an hour, possibly, maybe 90. Who fucking knows? 0.72
03:21:23.000 Did you drive the car? 0.95
03:21:24.000 No, they drove it for us.
03:21:25.000 Oh, I want to drive one of those NASCARs.
03:21:27.000 For real?
03:21:27.000 Yes.
03:21:29.000 You can make that happen.
03:21:30.000 You know how much that would feel? 0.95
03:21:32.000 How fucking much power those things must have? 0.98
03:21:34.000 It's so raw. 0.98
03:21:35.000 But the key is, with the people that can drive it, they get you an inch from the wall.
03:21:39.000 Oh, Jesus.
03:21:39.000 When you're an inch from a wall...
03:21:41.000 Why do they want that? 0.89
03:21:41.000 Sometimes they hit the wall. 0.89
03:21:43.000 Oh, bro.
03:21:43.000 How about a foot from the wall?
03:21:45.000 They go so close to the wall, and you hear the tires...
03:21:49.000 And all I thought when the tires hit was, they pop sometimes.
03:21:53.000 Yeah, they break.
03:21:54.000 And if it pops, it just...
03:21:55.000 You flip.
03:21:56.000 That's it.
03:21:57.000 Fire.
03:21:57.000 Brimstone.
03:21:59.000 Talladega Nights.
03:22:00.000 Talladega Nights.
03:22:01.000 Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft! 0.97
03:22:06.000 What a great movie. 1.00
03:22:07.000 What a great fucking movie. 1.00
03:22:09.000 You know what else is a great movie? 1.00
03:22:10.000 What?
03:22:11.000 The Machine.
03:22:11.000 The Machine.
03:22:12.000 Coming soon.
03:22:13.000 When is it coming?
03:22:13.000 Memorial Day weekend.
03:22:14.000 Memorial Day weekend. 1.00
03:22:15.000 I got so much shit to promote. 1.00
03:22:17.000 The Machine, fully loaded. 0.99
03:22:19.000 I got a cruise that's already sold out.
03:22:21.000 I got Razzle Dazzle, the streaming right now on Netflix.
03:22:24.000 Is it BurtBurtBurt.com for everything?
03:22:26.000 BurtBurtBurt.com for everything.
03:22:27.000 That'll get you everything you need from me.
03:22:29.000 That's it.
03:22:30.000 Alright, let's wrap it up.
03:22:31.000 I love you, brother.
03:22:32.000 I love you, too.
03:22:33.000 It's great seeing you.
03:22:34.000 I think I'm going to go to your comedy club.
03:22:35.000 Yeah, tonight. 0.94
03:22:36.000 We're going to Kill Tony. 0.98
03:22:38.000 I'm going to go to Kill Tony and then fly home. 0.98
03:22:40.000 We're flying to New York.
03:22:41.000 Continue press.
03:22:42.000 Alright.
03:22:42.000 Goodbye, everybody.