The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1957

00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day!

00:00:13.000 Hey, what's up, Jay?

00:00:15.000 What's going on, baby?

00:00:17.000 Nothing, dude.

00:00:18.000 It's been fun, huh?

00:00:19.000 That was crazy.

00:00:20.000 Yeah, last night was fucking awesome.

00:00:23.000 That was...

00:00:24.000 I got allergies, dude.

00:00:26.000 Do you hear my voice?

00:00:27.000 Is that what's going on?

00:00:28.000 It's very scratchy, yeah.

00:00:29.000 Is that the...

00:00:30.000 Yeah, there's a lot of like...

00:00:31.000 What is it?

00:00:31.000 Cedar?

00:00:32.000 Is this cedar time?

00:00:33.000 As soon as I got down here, I got crushed.

00:00:35.000 There's ragwood and cedar and...

00:00:37.000 Oh, ragweed?

00:00:38.000 Ragweed.

00:00:39.000 Ragweed and cedar and a bunch of shit going on in this town.

00:00:42.000 Oh.

00:00:43.000 I'm lucky I don't get it.

00:00:45.000 Really?

00:00:45.000 Yeah, I don't get allergies.

00:00:46.000 I get fucking destroyed, dude.

00:00:48.000 My family gets it, though.

00:00:49.000 I had to wear, during COVID, I got like a lake house, like right when it was starting.

00:00:53.000 It was, you know, it was March, April.

00:00:55.000 So it was crazy.

00:00:56.000 I had to wear fucking ski goggles when we were out on the boat.

00:01:00.000 Dude, I was getting shitfaced wearing full ski.

00:01:03.000 I looked fucking crazy.

00:01:06.000 Just because the pollen and shit was fucking your eyes?

00:01:08.000 My eyes were...

00:01:09.000 I was like, is this a side effect of COVID? Oh, no.

00:01:14.000 So, you know, it was the very beginning.

00:01:16.000 Oh, wow.

00:01:17.000 And that was back when every symptom was COVID. So I Googled it.

00:01:20.000 I was like, is pink eye COVID? They're like, you know, we sampled 10 fucking Chinese guys.

00:01:25.000 Yes.

00:01:25.000 I was like, fuck.

00:01:27.000 I'm dying.

00:01:30.000 We were, like, scared to go to the grocery store.

00:01:32.000 Really?

00:01:33.000 Yeah, it was the very beginning.

00:01:35.000 So I was in Key West when it started, so I was like, fuck it, I'll just get Airbnbs and work my way back up to New York.

00:01:42.000 Really?

00:01:43.000 Yeah, it was awesome.

00:01:43.000 So you were working in Key West?

00:01:46.000 Yeah.

00:01:46.000 Were you doing that little club?

00:01:47.000 Yeah.

00:01:47.000 I heard that club's great.

00:01:48.000 Perfect.

00:01:49.000 Yeah?

00:01:50.000 Yeah, it's a little room, and it's Key West.

00:01:53.000 What are those people like down there?

00:01:56.000 Those are like checked out, flip-flop wearing.

00:01:59.000 Wild, drunk ladies.

00:01:59.000 Like you say, dick.

00:02:00.000 They're like, yeah!

00:02:04.000 Try to do one smart joke.

00:02:07.000 They're like, what?

00:02:08.000 What'd you just say?

00:02:09.000 They're not here to think.

00:02:11.000 They don't understand the nuance.

00:02:12.000 They're going to drink margaritas.

00:02:13.000 Look at the George Washington bit.

00:02:14.000 I'm like, slavery?

00:02:15.000 They're like...

00:02:17.000 Yeah!

00:02:18.000 Oh no.

00:02:20.000 That would be hell.

00:02:22.000 Would be hell would be stuck around people that you could never have a smart conversation with.

00:02:27.000 That would be hell.

00:02:29.000 Yeah.

00:02:29.000 You know, there's some people, like, you know, like, those people, you start a conversation, you go, oh, this is, like, level two forever.

00:02:36.000 Yeah.

00:02:37.000 We're at level two forever.

00:02:38.000 We're never getting to level ten.

00:02:39.000 I hate when someone makes a point that you're like, yeah.

00:02:43.000 You know what I mean?

00:02:44.000 Like, when someone, yeah, they're like, here's what I've been thinking lately.

00:02:46.000 Oh, no.

00:02:47.000 And it's like, dude, yeah, I thought of that in eighth grade.

00:02:49.000 What are you talking about?

00:02:51.000 Maybe God's not real.

00:02:54.000 I confronted that in sixth grade.

00:02:58.000 The reality of people in their brains is just like the reality of people in their eyesight, and people in their hearing, and people in their height, and people in their nose length.

00:03:10.000 It fucking varies wildly.

00:03:13.000 Speaking of nose length, did I show you my 23andMe?

00:03:18.000 That fucked me up last night.

00:03:21.000 We were at dinner, and I was like, dude, look at my 23andMe results.

00:03:24.000 He was like, yeah, you showed me yesterday.

00:03:26.000 You're really proud of that.

00:03:27.000 It's fucking weird.

00:03:28.000 I was just like...

00:03:31.000 It is weird.

00:03:32.000 It's just 100% Irish.

00:03:34.000 Yeah, it was...

00:03:36.000 Fitzsimmons has that too.

00:03:37.000 He's 100%?

00:03:39.000 100%.

00:03:39.000 He's all in.

00:03:40.000 I couldn't believe it.

00:03:41.000 Yeah.

00:03:42.000 If I look at you, it looks pretty...

00:03:44.000 No, it's obvious.

00:03:45.000 Yeah.

00:03:46.000 It's a potato face.

00:03:47.000 It's a lot.

00:03:47.000 Got rid of the mustache, dude.

00:03:49.000 Now you can see I don't have lips.

00:03:51.000 I'm interested.

00:03:52.000 What was the choice behind that?

00:03:54.000 I don't know.

00:03:55.000 It was gross.

00:03:57.000 Really?

00:03:57.000 My chin hairs were fucking disgusting.

00:03:59.000 Really?

00:04:00.000 Yeah, like long pubic...

00:04:02.000 Was it getting scraggly?

00:04:04.000 Yeah.

00:04:05.000 Do you wish you had the moustache still though?

00:04:07.000 It feels like you're kind of halfway growing it back.

00:04:09.000 If I go Jeff's moustache, it's...

00:04:11.000 It's a cop.

00:04:12.000 It's rough looking.

00:04:13.000 You're a cop.

00:04:13.000 Yeah.

00:04:13.000 Because I got the jowls.

00:04:14.000 You're a corrupt cop.

00:04:16.000 Yeah.

00:04:16.000 With like child porn on your computer.

00:04:18.000 Whoa.

00:04:19.000 Yeah.

00:04:20.000 If a guy...

00:04:21.000 Snake porn.

00:04:22.000 That look.

00:04:23.000 Snake porn.

00:04:24.000 He showed me a fucking guy yesterday that's having sex with a snake.

00:04:27.000 I'm like, what?

00:04:28.000 Shout out to my friend Billy.

00:04:30.000 And then he shows it to all of us while we're eating dinner.

00:04:35.000 And the waiter kept walking by.

00:04:36.000 Yeah, he did that on purpose.

00:04:38.000 Yeah, that was like a bit.

00:04:39.000 100%.

00:04:39.000 Because it's like, he like lingered, and then when the phone came back out, then he came back in.

00:04:46.000 It was the busboy.

00:04:47.000 Which is a pretty funny rumor for him to have about you.

00:04:50.000 What, that my friend wants to watch people fuck snakes?

00:04:53.000 I waited on Joe Rogan.

00:04:54.000 Yeah.

00:04:54.000 He's watching snake porn and eating snakes.

00:04:56.000 Yeah, he's gonna blame me.

00:04:57.000 Yeah, definitely.

00:04:58.000 He's gonna blame me for you.

00:04:59.000 Yeah, you're into snake porn.

00:05:00.000 He had this giant dude that's 100% Irish just watching guys fuck snakes.

00:05:05.000 Some guy with no lips.

00:05:06.000 Just kept showing him fucking snake porn.

00:05:08.000 Guy looks like he should have a mustache, but he doesn't.

00:05:11.000 Yeah, as soon as I got done shaving, I was like, fuck.

00:05:15.000 That snake thing is wild.

00:05:17.000 Yeah, it was a tough one.

00:05:17.000 The guy was actually fucking, not like mouth-fucking a snake, but fucking the snake vagina or whatever they have.

00:05:24.000 It was horrendous.

00:05:25.000 Oh.

00:05:26.000 I probably shouldn't even be talking about it.

00:05:27.000 I had no idea that that could even be done.

00:05:30.000 The guy's out there testing limits.

00:05:32.000 Yeah.

00:05:33.000 It didn't seem like the snake was trying to get away.

00:05:35.000 I don't think...

00:05:37.000 Yeah, probably not.

00:05:38.000 It's a pretty big snake.

00:05:39.000 I feel like the snake could have got him if it wanted to.

00:05:41.000 The snake was down there, too.

00:05:41.000 It's head was also...

00:05:43.000 Yeah, whatever.

00:05:44.000 Goddamn.

00:05:44.000 The snake was kind of getting into it.

00:05:46.000 Yeah, it's bad.

00:05:47.000 But we were talking about it.

00:05:48.000 It was like, how illegal is that?

00:05:50.000 Like, it's not like child porn illegal.

00:05:53.000 No.

00:05:54.000 But it's got its bestiality, which is...

00:05:56.000 I don't think...

00:05:58.000 It is illegal.

00:05:59.000 Is it illegal federally?

00:06:01.000 Is it illegal to show your friends?

00:06:03.000 I don't know.

00:06:05.000 I mean, is it illegal everywhere?

00:06:08.000 Like, what are the rules for, like, fucking snakes?

00:06:13.000 I mean, fucking snakes.

00:06:16.000 I mean, who cares?

00:06:17.000 Who cares?

00:06:18.000 Chop their heads off.

00:06:18.000 No one gives a shit.

00:06:19.000 Yeah.

00:06:20.000 Like, if you find a snake outside, you can just chop its head off.

00:06:22.000 Yeah.

00:06:22.000 Nobody gets mad.

00:06:23.000 But if you kill a raccoon, people get pissed at you.

00:06:25.000 Yeah, but if you fuck a...

00:06:27.000 Yeah.

00:06:27.000 Any...

00:06:28.000 Well, since the 50s, it says that's been illegal.

00:06:31.000 To fuck snakes?

00:06:32.000 Any...

00:06:33.000 Specifically?

00:06:33.000 Any animal.

00:06:34.000 Any animal?

00:06:35.000 Unnatural carnal copulation.

00:06:37.000 Interesting.

00:06:38.000 That's a good law.

00:06:39.000 Un-natural.

00:06:41.000 Carnal copulation.

00:06:42.000 That's a good law.

00:06:43.000 Mmm.

00:06:45.000 It's a funny way to dance around and just be like, what are you fucking snakes?

00:06:48.000 It's illegal in four states?

00:06:51.000 No, legal.

00:06:52.000 Oh, what states?

00:06:53.000 Well, it used to be legal in Washington state.

00:06:56.000 Hawaii, Wyoming.

00:07:00.000 Hawaii?

00:07:01.000 Mexico, West Virginia.

00:07:03.000 Hawaii, Wyoming, New Mexico, and West Virginia.

00:07:07.000 It used to be Washington state up until that documentary, Zoo.

00:07:13.000 Do you know about that documentary?

00:07:14.000 No.

00:07:15.000 There was a guy...

00:07:16.000 I'm new to the bestiality game.

00:07:17.000 There's a guy named...

00:07:19.000 They called him Mr. Hands.

00:07:22.000 Oh, yes.

00:07:22.000 Yeah.

00:07:23.000 Mr. Hands got fucked to death by a horse.

00:07:25.000 So they made a documentary about it called Zoo.

00:07:30.000 And that documentary is pretty interesting.

00:07:32.000 And it got very popular.

00:07:34.000 This was like...

00:07:34.000 I want to say this is around the early 2000s, right?

00:07:38.000 Yeah.

00:07:39.000 Yeah.

00:07:40.000 And if you haven't seen it, you could just go Google Mr. Hand's horse.

00:07:45.000 You'll find it somewhere.

00:07:46.000 Good lord.

00:07:47.000 You'll find it somewhere.

00:07:47.000 It's a tough one to watch, dude.

00:07:48.000 It's tough.

00:07:49.000 When it gets in there?

00:07:50.000 You're like, how?

00:07:52.000 You're like, how?

00:07:53.000 Like, where is it going?

00:07:54.000 Also, where did you think?

00:07:55.000 What did you think was going to happen?

00:07:57.000 Well, he'd been fucked multiple times by that horse.

00:08:00.000 Oh, him and a horse.

00:08:01.000 That apparently, the video, was not the one that killed him.

00:08:04.000 It was another one that killed him.

00:08:06.000 That video was a successful...

00:08:08.000 That was a success.

00:08:09.000 Yeah.

00:08:09.000 They got done.

00:08:10.000 Yeah, they got a gun.

00:08:11.000 The horse just jizzes immediately, too.

00:08:14.000 Good God.

00:08:15.000 Alright.

00:08:16.000 The best part is the guy who guides the horse dick into his butt.

00:08:21.000 The guy goes, too much?

00:08:25.000 When the guy makes the noise, he's like, too much?

00:08:29.000 What the fuck do you think?

00:08:31.000 Is he a magician?

00:08:33.000 Like, how is he making that dick disappear in his body?

00:08:35.000 There's not enough room in his body.

00:08:37.000 Oh, yeah, perforated his colon and just ruptured his innards and bled out from the inside.

00:08:44.000 And then once they brought him to the hospital, the cops are like, hey, what the fuck's going on?

00:08:50.000 I go, you know, stuff like playing around.

00:08:53.000 I don't know.

00:08:56.000 Yeah, that's a tough one.

00:08:56.000 It's a tough one.

00:08:57.000 It's a tough way to go.

00:08:59.000 Yeah, but also, like, there was hundreds of hours of footage.

00:09:03.000 It's pretty sad.

00:09:04.000 Thinking of, like, his mother, you know, she gave birth holding that.

00:09:08.000 Yes.

00:09:09.000 Just being like, someday this guy's gonna...

00:09:11.000 He's going to die from getting fucked by a horse.

00:09:13.000 I bet she didn't think that.

00:09:15.000 No one saw this coming.

00:09:17.000 Someday he's going to be the president.

00:09:18.000 Yeah, this guy's going to be the president.

00:09:20.000 Instead he's getting fucked by a horse.

00:09:22.000 I think he was a software engineer or something.

00:09:26.000 He worked for Boeing.

00:09:27.000 He worked for Boeing?

00:09:28.000 Yeah.

00:09:29.000 So he was a very smart guy who just had a strange kink.

00:09:36.000 Hmm, kinks are fucking weird.

00:09:38.000 Yeah, I don't have any.

00:09:39.000 I'm so lucky.

00:09:40.000 Yeah.

00:09:40.000 Can you imagine?

00:09:41.000 If you just, like, wanted to wear women's shoes and get fucked in the butt?

00:09:46.000 Like, that's just your thing.

00:09:48.000 But you're straight.

00:09:49.000 I'm straight, but he's got this thing, you know?

00:09:52.000 Yeah, thank God I don't know.

00:09:54.000 Thank God.

00:09:54.000 Unless I probably do, I just don't, I'm not even trying.

00:09:56.000 Well, they say a lot of them, they're imprinted on your early adolescence.

00:10:01.000 Yeah.

00:10:01.000 Like, as your body is becoming sexual.

00:10:05.000 Nothing weird happened to me.

00:10:07.000 Luckily.

00:10:08.000 Thank God.

00:10:08.000 I dodged two molestation attempts.

00:10:11.000 Really?

00:10:11.000 Yeah, two.

00:10:12.000 What'd you dodge?

00:10:13.000 Well, I dodged one of them when I was...

00:10:17.000 I probably was like seven or eight years old.

00:10:20.000 That was the scare...

00:10:21.000 Well, they were both pretty scary.

00:10:22.000 But that was the scarier one, because I was at the library.

00:10:25.000 And I was by myself.

00:10:27.000 You know, I was a latch kid.

00:10:28.000 My parents just let me out of the house.

00:10:30.000 Which...

00:10:31.000 You know, at the time was kind of normal.

00:10:33.000 In retrospect, like thinking about it now, I couldn't imagine letting my seven-year-old just fucking wander around.

00:10:40.000 Not just that, but walk to the public library, you know, in San Francisco.

00:10:44.000 And this guy, I was looking at, you know, I was always into like horror movies and monster movies and shit.

00:10:52.000 And so I was reading these books in this, they had a section of like, you know, monster books.

00:10:56.000 And this guy came up to me.

00:10:58.000 And he goes, do you like monster books?

00:11:00.000 I go, yeah.

00:11:01.000 And he goes, oh, I have some monster books in my car.

00:11:04.000 You want to see them?

00:11:05.000 No.

00:11:05.000 Okay.

00:11:06.000 Like, I didn't know any better.

00:11:08.000 I was just fucking eight years old or whatever it was.

00:11:10.000 And as I'm leaving with this guy, the librarian starts screaming, Joseph, you get away from that man.

00:11:20.000 You know, like, that man just got out of jail!

00:11:23.000 And she yells at him to get out of there, and the guy runs away, and I just started crying, and I was like, whoa!

00:11:29.000 So I dodged that bullet.

00:11:31.000 And then another time, When I was 13. When I was 13, we were hanging around this lake in Jamaica Plain.

00:11:40.000 It was this like...

00:11:43.000 Jamaica Pond was this place we would go and fish.

00:11:46.000 And there was another pond that was like this neighboring pond that was like slightly smaller.

00:11:51.000 And this guy was always like running around the lake.

00:11:54.000 He was jogging.

00:11:55.000 And me and my friend Josh would be hanging out.

00:11:58.000 This guy would come over and talk to us.

00:12:00.000 You know, he seemed like a super normal guy.

00:12:02.000 He used to be a teacher, and he had retired.

00:12:06.000 He probably was like in his 60s.

00:12:09.000 And one day, it's just me.

00:12:11.000 He went for it.

00:12:12.000 One day, it's just me.

00:12:13.000 And I'm fishing, and he comes by, and he's drunk.

00:12:18.000 Damn.

00:12:18.000 And he tells me he loves me.

00:12:22.000 And I'm like...

00:12:24.000 I'm like super confused.

00:12:26.000 How old were you?

00:12:27.000 Thirteen.

00:12:27.000 Okay.

00:12:28.000 And I had been talking to this guy on and off.

00:12:31.000 I had seen him, you know, for months.

00:12:33.000 Yeah.

00:12:33.000 Like you'd come by, say hi.

00:12:35.000 It was always like casual, very good-humored, very friendly, but he was like setting us up.

00:12:40.000 And he comes by and then I realized after, he tells me he loves me, but there can be no love without sex.

00:12:48.000 That's what he says.

00:12:51.000 And I'm like, what?

00:12:53.000 And I had a knife.

00:12:54.000 So I remember, like, I grabbed my knife in my pocket, and I had my hand on my knife, and I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna have to stab this guy.

00:13:02.000 Damn.

00:13:02.000 Yeah.

00:13:03.000 I was like, this is gonna...

00:13:04.000 Because there was no one around.

00:13:06.000 There was no one around.

00:13:07.000 Wow.

00:13:07.000 It was just trees and forest.

00:13:09.000 You were like, I'm about to stab.

00:13:10.000 Oh, I was gonna cut this guy.

00:13:12.000 I would have trusted the guy.

00:13:13.000 I would have been like, yeah, you're right.

00:13:16.000 You're smarter than me.

00:13:17.000 Well, I'll see you later.

00:13:18.000 I don't know what you...

00:13:20.000 It was dangerous.

00:13:21.000 We had a guy go for us.

00:13:22.000 It was a guy that used to linger.

00:13:24.000 Hilarious, dude.

00:13:25.000 He was mentally challenged, but he would always hang out around my high school, and he would go to all the basketball games.

00:13:32.000 One day, we had a tape recorder for the National Anthem to play at the beginning of games.

00:13:37.000 They would just hold a mic next to a tape recorder.

00:13:39.000 It broke, so the mentally handicapped guy stood up and started singing.

00:13:45.000 And the whole fucking gym was like...

00:13:48.000 Everybody just listened to the guy sing the National Anthem.

00:13:51.000 Oh my god.

00:13:52.000 Did he get all the words right?

00:13:53.000 I don't remember.

00:13:55.000 I doubt it.

00:13:56.000 I doubt it.

00:13:57.000 I think he was freestyling a little.

00:14:02.000 But no, he would try to get you.

00:14:03.000 He would go to games.

00:14:04.000 But he was like a...

00:14:06.000 Again, it wasn't that long ago.

00:14:07.000 It was long enough that people were like, yeah, he's weird.

00:14:10.000 That old thing.

00:14:11.000 Yeah, there's a town pedophile, but he's a weird guy.

00:14:14.000 So he would be like, you guys want to play football?

00:14:16.000 And we were little kids at the high school football game playing touch football.

00:14:20.000 And he was like, you guys want to come out to my car?

00:14:22.000 I have Nerf balls.

00:14:23.000 And we were all like, no, dude, stop trying to fuck us.

00:14:28.000 We knew what he was doing.

00:14:30.000 He was like, alright, see you guys.

00:14:32.000 Did he get away with it with anybody?

00:14:35.000 Probably.

00:14:35.000 If you get the mentally handicapped guy tricks you into getting into his car...

00:14:41.000 Nerve balls.

00:14:42.000 I got nerve balls out of my car.

00:14:43.000 That's how he gets you?

00:14:44.000 And we're just fully like...

00:14:45.000 Nobody would ever take your advice again.

00:14:47.000 You're like, bro.

00:14:48.000 You got raped by that fucking idiot.

00:14:49.000 That fucking guy got you.

00:14:52.000 You got raped by an idiot, dude.

00:14:57.000 Yeah, but just...

00:14:58.000 Even in fifth, sixth grade, we were like...

00:15:01.000 No, dude.

00:15:02.000 I'm trying to rape us.

00:15:04.000 Every neighborhood has a guy.

00:15:07.000 Yeah.

00:15:07.000 I didn't even realize the other guy.

00:15:08.000 We had two guys.

00:15:09.000 The other guy, he had a tricycle with his name on a license plate, like a fake license plate on the front of his tricycle.

00:15:16.000 It was a sick tricycle.

00:15:17.000 But he would come around, and he would speak gibberish, but every once in a while he would get kind of sexual.

00:15:23.000 Like, he would come over and just be like, do you like pancakes?

00:15:26.000 We're like, yeah, dude, we love pancakes.

00:15:28.000 And he's like, do you ever put syrup on your pancakes?

00:15:30.000 Like, yeah.

00:15:31.000 He's like, you ever put syrup down your pants?

00:15:32.000 You ever rub syrup all over your...

00:15:34.000 Dude, stop, stop.

00:15:37.000 They just keep tricycling, dude.

00:15:39.000 Jesus Christ.

00:15:41.000 I don't know if they ever actually got anyone.

00:15:44.000 Sometimes it just doesn't work and they just keep swinging.

00:15:46.000 Just keep swinging.

00:15:48.000 Forever.

00:15:48.000 Fuck it, dude.

00:15:50.000 They're fucking...

00:15:52.000 There's always like it was on it was always on to catch predator They were always catch like a mentally handicapped guy.

00:15:57.000 There's always a part of me like Yeah, come on Well, obviously you gotta get him but everyone was off on that show.

00:16:04.000 Yeah, did you think you could do that show today?

00:16:08.000 He's doing it again.

00:16:09.000 Really?

00:16:10.000 We might have talked about this before but I love when they get fucking Indian dudes.

00:16:14.000 Why Indian dudes?

00:16:15.000 Because they they're just like yeah They're from India.

00:16:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:16:21.000 Oh, and in India you're allowed to do that?

00:16:23.000 Are you aware there's a 13-year-old girl who's like, yeah.

00:16:26.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:16:28.000 Like, I'm trying to fuck this kid.

00:16:30.000 Really?

00:16:30.000 Yeah, they get foreigners all the time that are just like, I didn't know...

00:16:34.000 That you guys have laws?

00:16:36.000 Yeah.

00:16:36.000 Really?

00:16:37.000 So what are the laws in India?

00:16:39.000 I don't want to besmirch India, but...

00:16:41.000 Too late.

00:16:42.000 Probably.

00:16:43.000 I think if you're from rural India, you can fuck...

00:16:46.000 Whoever's out there.

00:16:48.000 Really?

00:16:48.000 Well, I mean, you think...

00:16:49.000 Jamie, help!

00:16:50.000 Help!

00:16:51.000 There's parts of the United States where the age of consent was very low up until recently.

00:16:58.000 Yeah.

00:16:59.000 Like, isn't it still, like, 16 in some states?

00:17:02.000 I'm sure.

00:17:03.000 I'm sure, like, especially states that are very religious.

00:17:05.000 How the fuck is that not, like, a federal thing?

00:17:07.000 Yeah.

00:17:08.000 You know?

00:17:10.000 Yeah, the religious states, I think.

00:17:12.000 Where it's like you get married when you're 13. I don't know.

00:17:17.000 Mormons?

00:17:18.000 What's Utah doing?

00:17:19.000 There was one where if someone had sex, the age of consent for boy and girl was different than boy-boy.

00:17:36.000 And the reason for that is that's where the Catholic Church had moved a bunch of its priests.

00:17:42.000 Damn.

00:17:43.000 Yeah.

00:17:43.000 I mean, I read that story.

00:17:45.000 I want to say it's New Mexico.

00:17:48.000 I want to say it was New Mexico.

00:17:50.000 I think they fixed that.

00:17:52.000 I might have just spread a bunch of misinformation.

00:17:55.000 Fuck it.

00:17:56.000 If that's true.

00:17:57.000 I was reading the India thing first.

00:17:59.000 What's going on?

00:18:00.000 Let's go with India first, and then we'll go with the...

00:18:02.000 Yeah.

00:18:03.000 We're covering all the bases earlier.

00:18:05.000 I don't know the answer to this.

00:18:05.000 I'm just giving you what I found.

00:18:06.000 Why is consensual teen sex a crime in India?

00:18:10.000 Oh, for teens to have sex with each other, though.

00:18:12.000 Okay.

00:18:13.000 Well, they changed the law a decade ago to make it tougher on cases of child sexual abuse.

00:18:19.000 Okay, so it criminalizes all sexual activity by children under 18. Interesting.

00:18:26.000 Many adolescent boys in consenting relationships are finding themselves on the wrong side of the law.

00:18:33.000 Interesting.

00:18:34.000 That's a bummer.

00:18:35.000 Interesting.

00:18:36.000 That's why those guys are so fucking horny.

00:18:38.000 You ever see them online?

00:18:39.000 Are they?

00:18:40.000 Yeah, don't fire it up.

00:18:41.000 Indian guys?

00:18:41.000 Indian dudes will hit you in the comments.

00:18:43.000 Show Bobs.

00:18:44.000 Show Vagina.

00:18:45.000 Need Bobs.

00:18:46.000 Show Bobs?

00:18:46.000 I love you.

00:18:47.000 Show by Bobs.

00:18:48.000 Yeah, Bobs.

00:18:49.000 What?

00:18:49.000 They misspell boobs.

00:18:52.000 They say, Show Bobs.

00:18:53.000 Queen.

00:18:54.000 Marry me.

00:18:55.000 Show Bobs.

00:18:56.000 Really?

00:18:56.000 Yeah, every hot chick's picture is followed by a thousand Indian dudes.

00:19:01.000 There's a billion people in India, but they don't have the same problem that China has.

00:19:05.000 Like, China has that weird problem where there's way more guys than there are girls.

00:19:09.000 That's crazy.

00:19:10.000 They fucked up.

00:19:12.000 The fact that they didn't see the math on that, that one-child policy...

00:19:16.000 I think they'd be pretty good at that.

00:19:17.000 The math.

00:19:18.000 I would think...

00:19:19.000 Isn't that, like, a thing?

00:19:21.000 I don't know.

00:19:23.000 I don't know anything about that.

00:19:24.000 I think that...

00:19:26.000 It's like, how the fuck did they not see where that was gonna be a disaster in the future?

00:19:30.000 Like, there's a whole generation of guys that have no girls.

00:19:33.000 It's like, what are you gonna do?

00:19:34.000 There's no girls.

00:19:35.000 They're gonna get aggressive.

00:19:36.000 What the fuck are they gonna do?

00:19:39.000 Damn.

00:19:40.000 Yeah, not good.

00:19:41.000 Whack off the cartoons.

00:19:42.000 Because, like, even in this country where it's 50-50, basically, do you know that, like, 64% of men are single?

00:19:50.000 And only 34% of women are single?

00:19:53.000 Like, how?

00:19:55.000 How's that?

00:19:57.000 How does that even work?

00:19:58.000 Wait, 64% of men are single?

00:20:01.000 Yeah, see if we can find the numbers, but I think it's men of a certain age.

00:20:05.000 Oh, you know what it is though?

00:20:06.000 It's just men fucking chicks that are like, we're not dating.

00:20:08.000 And women are like, no, we're in a relationship.

00:20:11.000 You know how it is.

00:20:12.000 I think it's a little of that.

00:20:13.000 You're a fucking girl and she's like, what are we?

00:20:15.000 Yeah, right.

00:20:15.000 What have you been telling people we are?

00:20:17.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

00:20:19.000 We're nothing.

00:20:20.000 We're nothing.

00:20:21.000 Can't I just use you, please?

00:20:24.000 Can't we just use each other?

00:20:25.000 Yeah.

00:20:27.000 Like the Bill Wither song?

00:20:30.000 Unfortunately, I'm not a guy that, yeah, they want to date me.

00:20:33.000 I'm not a guy that like, oh, I just want to fuck that guy.

00:20:35.000 You don't get used?

00:20:35.000 I'm not like a hot guy.

00:20:36.000 You wish you were used?

00:20:39.000 I don't know.

00:20:40.000 Do you?

00:20:43.000 Occasionally, back in the day, that was the best thing.

00:20:46.000 Getting used?

00:20:46.000 Yeah!

00:20:47.000 If you had a gal that just wanted to fuck...

00:20:50.000 It's pretty neat.

00:20:51.000 Oh my god.

00:20:53.000 Especially if you weren't into anything else.

00:20:55.000 Because sometimes, like...

00:20:56.000 The reality is sometimes you're attracted to someone that you're not compatible with.

00:21:00.000 Yeah.

00:21:01.000 But they're hot.

00:21:02.000 Yeah.

00:21:02.000 So you're attracted to them sexually.

00:21:04.000 Yeah.

00:21:05.000 But the problem is usually that one person is into the other person more than, you know, there's like psychological elements to it that become a problem.

00:21:17.000 Certainly.

00:21:17.000 Yeah, and if the guy is the one using the girl, he's a piece of shit.

00:21:21.000 But if the girl is the one using the guy...

00:21:23.000 She's a boss.

00:21:23.000 Yeah, great.

00:21:24.000 Way to go.

00:21:25.000 Yeah, she's a boss.

00:21:26.000 We did flip that.

00:21:27.000 Adults between 18 and 29 who say they're single.

00:21:30.000 Yeah, this is it.

00:21:31.000 So that's 51% of men in 2019. What?

00:21:36.000 Sorry.

00:21:37.000 51% of men in 2019. And by the time it got to 2022, it's 63%.

00:21:44.000 So the pandemic kicked it up 12%.

00:21:48.000 But the women stayed the same.

00:21:51.000 And just slightly more.

00:21:52.000 More who say they're single.

00:21:55.000 So 34% versus 32% for women.

00:21:57.000 But the men went up 12 fucking percent.

00:22:00.000 But I think what they're saying is these women during the pandemic started dating older guys.

00:22:08.000 So when the jobs went away and everything went south, they shacked up with some dudes with money.

00:22:14.000 Alright.

00:22:15.000 Probably.

00:22:15.000 That's fair.

00:22:16.000 I mean, wouldn't that make sense?

00:22:18.000 Like, look at 18 to 29 for men.

00:22:20.000 63% are single.

00:22:22.000 That's pretty wild, but age 65 plus?

00:22:25.000 18 to 29?

00:22:27.000 Yeah, and you look at 65 plus, 25% are single.

00:22:30.000 50 to 64, 28% are single.

00:22:33.000 30 to 49, 25% are single.

00:22:35.000 So that's what it is.

00:22:36.000 It's the 18 to 29 guys.

00:22:39.000 20 at 65 plus, there's more women because all the men are dead.

00:22:43.000 Whoa.

00:22:44.000 Yeah.

00:22:45.000 40% are single because dudes are croaking.

00:22:48.000 Yeah, look.

00:22:49.000 As soon as it hits 50, the women start to move forward.

00:22:52.000 Yeah.

00:22:52.000 Because dudes start dropping dead of heart attacks, working 90 hours a week.

00:22:57.000 And just coming home and just hating their life.

00:22:59.000 Yeah.

00:23:01.000 It's gotta feel good, though.

00:23:03.000 What, to die?

00:23:04.000 When you're like, oh, here it is.

00:23:05.000 Oh, fuck, this hurts.

00:23:07.000 It hurts way more than I thought.

00:23:09.000 That's a wrap.

00:23:10.000 Yeah.

00:23:10.000 Call it a day.

00:23:12.000 I don't know, man.

00:23:14.000 It's the whole fucking finding the compatible person thing.

00:23:18.000 Jesus Christ.

00:23:20.000 I can't imagine it.

00:23:23.000 No.

00:23:23.000 Especially now.

00:23:24.000 Especially today.

00:23:24.000 Social media, that hurts, dude.

00:23:26.000 You can look it up.

00:23:27.000 Start talking to a girl, you scroll back, you're like, God damn, she's got a lot of boyfriends in these, you know?

00:23:32.000 Girls have options.

00:23:36.000 They have so many options.

00:23:37.000 Yeah.

00:23:38.000 A hot girl who's online.

00:23:40.000 Like, if you are going back and forth with a hot girl, if you're a young guy now, if you're a 30-year-old guy now, And there's another girl, and she's 30 also.

00:23:50.000 And you go to her Instagram, she goes, wow, she's really pretty.

00:23:53.000 284,000 followers.

00:23:55.000 I'm out.

00:23:56.000 It's over.

00:23:57.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:23:59.000 And then you look in the likes and the comments.

00:24:02.000 It's a Drake.

00:24:03.000 It's all fire and hearts.

00:24:04.000 Goddammit.

00:24:05.000 Drake liked it?

00:24:06.000 Yeah.

00:24:06.000 Jesus Christ.

00:24:07.000 Yeah, it's over.

00:24:08.000 It's all rappers in there and athletes.

00:24:11.000 Black people.

00:24:13.000 Fucking rock stars.

00:24:14.000 Everybody's just slinging dick.

00:24:16.000 Everybody's just slinging dick.

00:24:18.000 Yeah.

00:24:19.000 Yeah.

00:24:19.000 It's a tough time.

00:24:20.000 It is a tough time.

00:24:22.000 They'll be alright.

00:24:23.000 You don't think they're gonna be alright?

00:24:24.000 No, it's gonna lead people to have sex with robots.

00:24:28.000 That's coming.

00:24:30.000 It's going to be tight.

00:24:31.000 Yeah.

00:24:31.000 I think you're going to go over a dude's house and he's going to have a robot lead.

00:24:34.000 He's going to leave it out.

00:24:35.000 You're going to go, oh.

00:24:37.000 My buddy left his fleshlight in the shower when we lived together.

00:24:40.000 Nice.

00:24:41.000 That was tough.

00:24:42.000 And I was like, dude, clean that up.

00:24:45.000 And he came out with it dripping on the floor.

00:24:48.000 No, he didn't.

00:24:49.000 He was like, what, this?

00:24:51.000 I was like, dude.

00:24:52.000 After he washed it or after he did it?

00:24:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:24:54.000 It was water dripping, but still.

00:24:56.000 You know, that was our first sponsor.

00:24:57.000 Juice water.

00:24:59.000 Flashlights?

00:24:59.000 Yeah.

00:25:00.000 You ever used one?

00:25:01.000 Oh yeah!

00:25:02.000 That was our sponsor.

00:25:03.000 It's too powerful, dude.

00:25:03.000 They're pretty good.

00:25:04.000 It's too powerful.

00:25:04.000 I had to throw mine out.

00:25:05.000 You don't want that in your life.

00:25:06.000 In a dumpster.

00:25:07.000 You don't want that in your life.

00:25:08.000 I couldn't put it in our trash.

00:25:09.000 It's too good.

00:25:09.000 I knew I'd fish it out.

00:25:10.000 If you can't get laid though, it's as close to the physical feeling of a warm vagina touching your dick.

00:25:18.000 I think it's better.

00:25:19.000 Some guys would like soak them in hot water.

00:25:21.000 Yeah.

00:25:22.000 They'd warm them up.

00:25:22.000 Warm them up.

00:25:23.000 Fired up, dude.

00:25:24.000 Get it to like 95 degrees.

00:25:27.000 Feels like human contact.

00:25:31.000 Yeah.

00:25:31.000 Especially when I had mine.

00:25:32.000 I was in a rough spot.

00:25:34.000 Were you?

00:25:34.000 In my life, yeah.

00:25:35.000 I was in West Philly.

00:25:36.000 I was in a...

00:25:37.000 The room I had in my apartment was like...

00:25:40.000 It jutted out of the back of the apartment.

00:25:42.000 So it was freezing cold.

00:25:44.000 It was the coldest room.

00:25:45.000 I had a mattress on the floor.

00:25:47.000 It was like a homeless person's room.

00:25:50.000 Well, I guess that's not...

00:25:51.000 You know what I mean.

00:25:52.000 Like a crackhead.

00:25:53.000 It's pretty close to a homeless person.

00:25:55.000 And I was fucking a fleshlight in there.

00:25:57.000 Wow.

00:25:57.000 It was a low point.

00:25:58.000 Yeah, but look at you now.

00:26:00.000 10 million views on YouTube.

00:26:03.000 That's the only difference.

00:26:04.000 Successful podcast.

00:26:05.000 Just more YouTube views.

00:26:06.000 Killing it on the road.

00:26:07.000 Come on, man.

00:26:09.000 That's the beauty of it.

00:26:12.000 You want to get one?

00:26:13.000 For the road?

00:26:14.000 For the road would be nice.

00:26:16.000 Get one of those ones that looks like a beer can.

00:26:18.000 Oh, they're making them fun?

00:26:20.000 Yeah, they make them like beer.

00:26:21.000 Oh, you mean to disguise it?

00:26:22.000 Yeah.

00:26:24.000 We had a bunch of them because they were our first sponsor.

00:26:28.000 Yeah.

00:26:30.000 That's how we started on it.

00:26:32.000 Do you know that?

00:26:33.000 No.

00:26:34.000 You got that flashlight, Monty?

00:26:36.000 No.

00:26:37.000 On It was started with Aubrey, who was the CEO of the Fleshlight, and me.

00:26:45.000 Maybe he wasn't a CEO of the Fleshlight.

00:26:47.000 Maybe he was a marketing director or something.

00:26:49.000 So it's like his family owned the company, the Fleshlight company.

00:26:54.000 So he reached out and said, do you guys want to have a sponsor on your podcast?

00:26:58.000 We didn't have any sponsors.

00:27:00.000 The podcast in the beginning, the idea that this is a big business is so hilarious.

00:27:04.000 Because in the beginning, it was just so ridiculous how it was run.

00:27:08.000 We just fucked around.

00:27:09.000 We just would go online and fuck around.

00:27:11.000 But as it started to grow...

00:27:13.000 He was the first guy that said, hey, you guys should have a sponsor.

00:27:16.000 So he had a meeting with us, and he told us about the flashlight.

00:27:19.000 I'm like, that's hilarious.

00:27:20.000 Hell yeah.

00:27:22.000 Did you get a free sample?

00:27:23.000 Oh, we got boxes of them.

00:27:25.000 Have you still got those boxes?

00:27:26.000 So those are the ones that look like a craft beer or something.

00:27:32.000 A Doyle's is a butthole?

00:27:34.000 Well, I think you can get whatever you want, neither can.

00:27:38.000 That's wild, dude.

00:27:39.000 So that was our first sponsor.

00:27:40.000 And then Aubrey and I started talking about doing other stuff.

00:27:44.000 And he said, like, if you were into supplements, what are you into?

00:27:47.000 And I told him that I got really into nootropics because of this product called Neuro One that Bill Romanowski came up with, the football player.

00:27:55.000 Yeah, I know Bill Romanowski.

00:27:56.000 Yeah, his issues were with memory after all those fucking concussions.

00:28:00.000 Yeah.

00:28:00.000 Spitting in dude's faces.

00:28:01.000 He was wild.

00:28:02.000 He's an animal, man.

00:28:03.000 He was wild.

00:28:04.000 Those guys are animal.

00:28:05.000 I had Derek Wolf on.

00:28:06.000 I saw that.

00:28:06.000 Did you see what he's talking about?

00:28:07.000 When he walked into the arena, what he wanted to do to everyone that he saw?

00:28:11.000 No.

00:28:11.000 I didn't get to that.

00:28:12.000 He goes, I want to fucking murder all of you.

00:28:15.000 Just smash you and kill you.

00:28:17.000 He's walking through the crowd thinking that he just really wants to run into the crowd and start smashing people.

00:28:25.000 He's a monster.

00:28:26.000 I love what you're saying.

00:28:27.000 I mean, he didn't do anything.

00:28:28.000 He's a nice guy, but those Viking instincts run deep, son.

00:28:32.000 There's a dude who plays for the Bills.

00:28:33.000 I was hanging out with a bunch of those guys.

00:28:35.000 I did a show in Buffalo, and then we went out.

00:28:37.000 And his name's Spencer Brown.

00:28:39.000 He's a right tackle.

00:28:40.000 I was on Mushrooms.

00:28:41.000 I went, did I tell you this?

00:28:42.000 No.

00:28:42.000 Dude, this was like the greatest night of my life.

00:28:44.000 All right, hold on.

00:28:46.000 This is the best night I've ever had.

00:28:48.000 So I did a show in Buffalo.

00:28:49.000 Then the next night, it was Sunday.

00:28:52.000 On Sunday, we went to the game.

00:28:54.000 Oh, I told you this.

00:28:54.000 When Gabe Davis gave me his jersey, I looked like a Down syndrome guy.

00:28:58.000 But that night, we went out to...

00:29:01.000 Fucking Dave and Buster's.

00:29:03.000 I took a ton of mushroom.

00:29:05.000 Way more than I thought I took.

00:29:06.000 I was fucked up.

00:29:08.000 But then, it's like all the cool black dudes on the team were like hanging out, being cool.

00:29:13.000 And then it was just me and like a white O-lineman.

00:29:16.000 Spencer Brown is like 6'9".

00:29:19.000 And I was just so high.

00:29:20.000 I was like, dude, this is a Viking.

00:29:22.000 This is an actual Viking.

00:29:23.000 Yeah.

00:29:24.000 Thank God we live today.

00:29:25.000 Thank God.

00:29:26.000 Where I'm watching him play fucking...

00:29:28.000 Video games and arcade games.

00:29:30.000 You gotta give people like that some kind of distraction.

00:29:34.000 If that guy got into a town, it'd just be over.

00:29:37.000 That's what it was, man.

00:29:39.000 It's over.

00:29:39.000 If you look at those guys in Iceland, you know, all those strongman dudes that come from Iceland, where do you think that comes from?

00:29:46.000 Freaks, dude.

00:29:47.000 Those are the freaks that were dominating the world back when people just had axes.

00:29:51.000 A boat of those guys.

00:29:52.000 Dude, until people figured out guns...

00:29:54.000 Thank God.

00:29:55.000 Thank God they figured out guns.

00:29:57.000 Just a boat of those dudes.

00:29:59.000 Can you imagine how rough the world would be?

00:30:01.000 Yeah, Spencer Brown.

00:30:02.000 6'8", 3'11".

00:30:04.000 What the fuck?

00:30:05.000 I was watching him play, like, touch video games.

00:30:09.000 It's ridiculous.

00:30:09.000 All mushrooms watching a 6'8", dude, play...

00:30:12.000 Dude.

00:30:13.000 Yeah.

00:30:15.000 That gene line of those strong men, of those guys like Derek Wolf, like Thor, the Game of Thrones guy, the mountain from Game of Thrones, that's a gene line of the people who conquered the world with axes.

00:30:29.000 Yeah.

00:30:31.000 That's what that is.

00:30:31.000 It's so nuts that that wasn't that long ago.

00:30:34.000 Yeah.

00:30:35.000 That's what's really crazy, right?

00:30:36.000 Like at any point in time in the world, in any one moment, things can break out that are real similar to the way life was during the Viking days.

00:30:46.000 It just doesn't happen very often.

00:30:48.000 You know, it breaks off less and less and less over time.

00:30:53.000 But it's still there in us.

00:30:55.000 And if it wasn't for football and the UFC and pro boxing and like all those sports are like It's like a bridge to civility.

00:31:07.000 It's like a bridge to a peaceful civilization.

00:31:12.000 Yeah.

00:31:12.000 Especially martial arts.

00:31:13.000 Like a bridge to a peaceful civilization.

00:31:16.000 Because you allow these people that have this fucking thing inside them to express themselves in a legal way, and they're rewarded for it hugely.

00:31:27.000 Yeah.

00:31:28.000 And you get to scream.

00:31:29.000 You're like, yeah!

00:31:29.000 Fuck yeah!

00:31:30.000 Fucking kill him!

00:31:31.000 Yeah.

00:31:32.000 I mean, you think of some of the shit that like Hamzat Chemayev says after his fights.

00:31:35.000 I fucking killed him all!

00:31:37.000 I killed him all!

00:31:39.000 I don't work well!

00:31:40.000 I killed him all!

00:31:41.000 Like, bro, when you're interviewing him, it's a wild ride.

00:31:45.000 Yeah, we were talking about that last night at dinner.

00:31:47.000 I was like, dude, what's your favorite interviews?

00:31:49.000 Yeah, I think Derrick Lewis is always going to be my favorite just because it was so fucking hilarious.

00:31:53.000 Dude just took his shorts off.

00:31:55.000 He's the coolest, man.

00:31:57.000 He's the coolest.

00:31:58.000 The other one though, not the balls are hot, the fucking him beating the Russian up and being like, I talked to Donald Trump last night.

00:32:04.000 Oh yeah, that was the other one.

00:32:05.000 So I got to take care of this fucking Russian for you.

00:32:07.000 Ah!

00:32:08.000 Back in the day, Chael Sonnen was the best guy to interview.

00:32:12.000 It's in my algorithm.

00:32:14.000 He would put on a show.

00:32:15.000 I get Chael Sonnen clips constantly.

00:32:17.000 He's a smart dude, man.

00:32:19.000 And back in the day, he was the first guy to really figure out pro wrestling style promotion with legit fight skills.

00:32:29.000 I mean, he almost beat Anderson Silva.

00:32:32.000 He almost won that fight.

00:32:34.000 If he didn't get caught in that triangle in the last round, he would have won that fight.

00:32:38.000 And it was a grueling fucking fight, and he just kept taking Anderson down.

00:32:42.000 He beat the shit out of Nate Marquardt when Nate Marquardt was in his prime.

00:32:47.000 Like, he was a real fighter.

00:32:49.000 He just was not Jon Jones.

00:32:52.000 There's like levels even to savages, which is so crazy.

00:32:56.000 Chael is like a little smaller, too.

00:32:58.000 He really shouldn't have been fighting the guys that were in that John Jones range 205. John's cutting to get to 205. Chael's fighting at 185. Like, sketchy.

00:33:11.000 Like, at Anderson and him, they fought at 185. John is big, dude.

00:33:15.000 He's big.

00:33:17.000 Big and long and strong as fuck.

00:33:19.000 That's too big.

00:33:21.000 Remember when John and him fought?

00:33:23.000 It was a mauling.

00:33:25.000 It was a horrific mauling.

00:33:26.000 He fought tail sonic?

00:33:27.000 Yeah, John beat him up so bad that he broke his own toe pushing off the ground, smashing him.

00:33:35.000 Pretty sure that's how he broke his toe.

00:33:37.000 He broke his toe for sure in that fight.

00:33:40.000 There was that crossover in the UFC where dudes started being an athlete.

00:33:45.000 Not saying Chael Sonnen wasn't an athlete, but you know what I mean?

00:33:47.000 There was that switchover phase.

00:33:50.000 There definitely is a switchover phase, but I think with Chael, I really would attribute it more to he's being around during the greatest of the greats at 85. Anderson Silva in his prime was one of the greatest of the greats.

00:34:05.000 Anderson Silva, he gets left out of the GOAT competition because after the Chris Weidman fight where he broke his leg, he had a bunch of fights where he didn't perform like the Anderson of old.

00:34:16.000 So I think people forgot how good he was when he was in his prime.

00:34:20.000 Who is in the GOAT conversation?

00:34:22.000 Obviously Jon Jones.

00:34:22.000 Jon Jones is number one now.

00:34:24.000 Is Khabib?

00:34:24.000 Yeah.

00:34:25.000 Yeah, he's in there.

00:34:26.000 He's undefeated, barely lost a round in his entire career.

00:34:30.000 He had one controversial fight.

00:34:33.000 With Glace and Tebow back in the day, but I think it was a fair decision, but he dominated everybody at the top.

00:34:41.000 Dominated everybody.

00:34:42.000 And he did it with fucking just a ruthless intensity, fantastic wrestling.

00:34:47.000 Usman was.

00:34:49.000 Usman was.

00:34:50.000 Yeah, up until the Leon Edwards fight, I was telling everybody, I think Usman's the greatest welterweight of all time.

00:34:56.000 If you look at what he's done and who he did it to, the way he knocked out Jorge Masvidal, he started out as a wrestler.

00:35:05.000 He started out as a wrestler, and all of a sudden he's flatlining people on the feet, and you're flatlining a skilled striker in Masvidal.

00:35:12.000 Masvidal, he's a slick guy on the feet.

00:35:15.000 Yeah.

00:35:16.000 That was a tough one, too.

00:35:18.000 He was all sweaty, that fucking mist off that punch when he hit him.

00:35:22.000 Yeah.

00:35:23.000 I mean, when you think about the way Masvidal knocked out Ben Askren, Masvidal knocked out Darren Till, like, Masvidal's a scary guy.

00:35:30.000 I wish that didn't happen with Askren.

00:35:34.000 That was a rough one.

00:35:35.000 I wish Ben got a chance to wrestle.

00:35:36.000 That was a rough one.

00:35:37.000 Yeah.

00:35:37.000 That was a rough one.

00:35:38.000 But that's how smart he is.

00:35:40.000 He knew Ben and his instincts were going to be there.

00:35:43.000 You ever see the video of him training that very move?

00:35:46.000 Yes.

00:35:47.000 That's a bummer.

00:35:49.000 That's a bummer.

00:35:50.000 When you look online and be like, fuck, you knew he was going to do that?

00:35:54.000 Bro, his knockout of Darren Till was brutal.

00:35:57.000 Fucking brutal.

00:35:59.000 He's knocked out a lot of really good guys, man.

00:36:04.000 So when Usman destroyed him, I'm like, wow.

00:36:08.000 He might have felt the highest level of competition because he beats Tyron Woodley, who was one of the best welterweights ever.

00:36:17.000 He destroys Tyron, right?

00:36:19.000 Runs right through him.

00:36:20.000 He's dominant fashion, wins a five-round decision.

00:36:24.000 There's no question at all he's the new champion.

00:36:27.000 Then he beats Colby Covington, who is about as good as it gets in that division other than Usman.

00:36:35.000 Colby's a fucking animal.

00:36:38.000 Unbelievable cardio, tough as fuck.

00:36:41.000 And even though Kamara broke his jaw, he was still there in the last round.

00:36:47.000 He was upset when they stopped it.

00:36:48.000 Did he break his jaw?

00:36:51.000 I think he did.

00:36:52.000 I want to be sure of that, though.

00:36:54.000 He definitely fucked his...

00:36:55.000 He fucked his mouth up.

00:36:58.000 He dropped him, and he hit him with some really good shots.

00:37:01.000 But Kobe was saying, even at the end, like, hey, I could have made it through that.

00:37:05.000 Which is like...

00:37:06.000 Kobe's fucking cool, man.

00:37:07.000 That's how tough that dude is.

00:37:09.000 He's undeniably tough.

00:37:10.000 So Kamaru beats him, and he beats him twice.

00:37:13.000 And he hurt him pretty fucking bad in the second fight.

00:37:16.000 And Kobe got through.

00:37:17.000 So you gotta like...

00:37:19.000 How good Colby is.

00:37:20.000 And if Camaro's beating him like that, and then Camaro was beating Leon Edwards, for the most part.

00:37:27.000 Yeah, there it is.

00:37:29.000 He dropped him.

00:37:30.000 You gotta remember, he stopped Gilbert Burns.

00:37:34.000 You know, Gilbert Burns is a fucking animal.

00:37:36.000 You saw the Gilbert Burns-Hamza Chimaez fight, you know?

00:37:40.000 So Kamaru stopped him.

00:37:42.000 I feel like you look at the caliber of the opponents that he's faced as a champion and how he's beaten them.

00:37:50.000 I kind of put him up into the Leon Edwards fight.

00:37:52.000 I kind of put him up there with everybody.

00:37:54.000 God, that Leon kick, though.

00:37:55.000 He might have been the best welterweight ever, but that Leon kick, man, that changed the world.

00:37:59.000 And then this weekend they're fighting again, which is so crazy, dude.

00:38:03.000 Yeah.

00:38:04.000 That fight's so intense.

00:38:06.000 Where are they fighting?

00:38:07.000 In England.

00:38:08.000 Oh, Leon.

00:38:10.000 That's going to be awesome, man.

00:38:11.000 Leon's own talent, son.

00:38:12.000 Yeah, he can sleep at his own bed and defend the world title in England.

00:38:18.000 I... Well, I don't want to make any predictions.

00:38:20.000 I'm 0 for 1. What do you think?

00:38:22.000 I said Cyril gone, Jon Jones.

00:38:24.000 I was like, I think Cyril's going to win this thing, dude.

00:38:26.000 Ten seconds in, I was like, whoops.

00:38:29.000 That wasn't a good bet.

00:38:30.000 Here it is, man.

00:38:32.000 One of the craziest...

00:38:36.000 Look how beautiful that kick is, too.

00:38:40.000 Look at that.

00:38:46.000 Bro, just the sound of that.

00:38:48.000 Shin to chin.

00:38:52.000 Play that sound again.

00:38:54.000 The sound of shin to chin.

00:38:57.000 But that is not the cloth from which he is cut.

00:39:00.000 I mean, that is a dejected...

00:39:11.000 Bro.

00:39:12.000 I don't think he knew that was coming.

00:39:13.000 I don't think Leon knew that was coming.

00:39:15.000 He set it up.

00:39:16.000 What are you talking about?

00:39:17.000 No, I mean, the whole time I saw the...

00:39:19.000 But I think when he landed it, he was like, oh, shit.

00:39:23.000 Well, it was perfect.

00:39:25.000 And it was because he ducked to his right.

00:39:27.000 I saw him set it up a couple times.

00:39:29.000 Yeah.

00:39:32.000 There's a video of his trainer.

00:39:33.000 He's like, come on!

00:39:35.000 Come on, Leon!

00:39:36.000 It's like a Rocky movie!

00:39:37.000 You gotta pull it out of the fire, Leon!

00:39:39.000 It's literally like a Rocky movie.

00:39:41.000 Have you ever seen it where they put the Rocky music behind it?

00:39:46.000 He's screaming at him, and then Leon goes up there and lands that kick.

00:39:51.000 Yeah, I think he's in trouble.

00:39:54.000 Come on, we're gonna pull back one now, it's one one.

00:39:57.000 Come on, come on Leon.

00:39:59.000 Come on, don't make him bully you, Leon.

00:40:07.000 Don't let him bully you son.

00:40:10.000 It's so nice dude.

00:40:12.000 Right here, this is where he's...

00:40:13.000 One more drink.

00:40:38.000 That's great.

00:40:40.000 This weekend's gonna be wild.

00:40:44.000 Kamaru Usman seems very intense.

00:40:47.000 Yeah, no shit.

00:40:49.000 I'm watching all the UFC shows that they do.

00:40:54.000 You know, they do all the boxing stuff.

00:40:57.000 It's like, fuck, man.

00:40:58.000 He's intense.

00:41:00.000 He's gonna want this.

00:41:00.000 Yeah, he's intense.

00:41:02.000 This is gonna be a wild one.

00:41:04.000 I think this is gonna be a wild one.

00:41:05.000 I think Kamaru is gonna be very aggressive.

00:41:08.000 I think, in his eyes, he won 24 minutes of that fight.

00:41:12.000 He did?

00:41:13.000 Not really.

00:41:14.000 Oh, really?

00:41:15.000 No, he got taken down the first round and he got mounted.

00:41:17.000 And he got his back taken.

00:41:20.000 Leon was the first guy to ever take him down.

00:41:22.000 Really?

00:41:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:41:22.000 I remember that.

00:41:23.000 Leon took him down.

00:41:23.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:24.000 Leon took him down in the first round.

00:41:26.000 Because I was cheering for Leon and I remember being, even while with the bias of cheering for him, I was like, fuck, there's no chance he wins this.

00:41:33.000 Well, when they first fought, Leon was not really much into grappling.

00:41:37.000 He was like an expert striker.

00:41:39.000 And Kamara was such a good wrestler.

00:41:41.000 He just kept taking him down.

00:41:43.000 He beat him by decision.

00:41:44.000 But in this fight, it definitely showed a big leap in Leon's grappling ability.

00:41:51.000 So Leon got him with a trip here.

00:41:53.000 Look at this.

00:41:54.000 Oh, wow.

00:41:55.000 And got on top of him.

00:41:56.000 Full mount.

00:41:56.000 Round one?

00:41:57.000 Yeah.

00:41:58.000 Round one.

00:41:59.000 And if you watch that, Kamaru has a bad knee.

00:42:01.000 He has bad knees, period.

00:42:03.000 But if you watch that, the way he goes down.

00:42:05.000 Yeah, it looked bad.

00:42:06.000 Watch the way he goes down.

00:42:07.000 It's very bad.

00:42:07.000 Watch his right knee.

00:42:09.000 Oh.

00:42:10.000 Yeah.

00:42:10.000 Not good at all.

00:42:11.000 Not good.

00:42:13.000 Like that, the pressure that's on that thing as he's going down, like from there, like watch it, from there.

00:42:20.000 Look at that right there.

00:42:22.000 I mean that is a lot of pressure on that knee.

00:42:24.000 The way his foot is planted, a lot of pressure.

00:42:28.000 Do you see that John from that Chael Sonnen fight, he always has to tape his toes?

00:42:32.000 Because his toe broke and flipped around.

00:42:35.000 It was his toe, the bottom of his toe was facing upward.

00:42:39.000 And we didn't realize it until I was talking to him.

00:42:43.000 We're in the octagon, and I'm interviewing him after he beat Chael Sonnen, and he looked down.

00:42:48.000 He's like, oh my god, my toe.

00:42:50.000 And then we looked, and we're like, oh, okay.

00:42:53.000 So John's toe.

00:42:55.000 Yo, dude!

00:42:58.000 So that was just from him.

00:43:00.000 That's the strength of him pushing off while he's smashing.

00:43:06.000 Just smashing.

00:43:09.000 It was a brutal fight, man.

00:43:11.000 Oh, fuck.

00:43:11.000 It was a brutal fight.

00:43:13.000 I mean, John beat the ever-loving shit out of Chael Sonnen in this fight.

00:43:17.000 It was absolutely brutal.

00:43:21.000 I know, isn't that nasty?

00:43:22.000 That's worse than the snake.

00:43:23.000 So now, to this day, he has to tape his toes up.

00:43:26.000 There was actually a controversy at the last fight.

00:43:28.000 Now, foot stomp him.

00:43:30.000 Well, I think when you rip it and flip it over like that, I don't know what they would have to do to get it to be stable again.

00:43:36.000 I think it's probably a little...

00:43:38.000 Yeah.

00:43:39.000 It's a little weak.

00:43:42.000 Because it's such a catastrophic injury.

00:43:44.000 If your toe flip all the way around like that.

00:43:46.000 I was going to ask you who he's going to kill next, but it's Stipe.

00:43:49.000 Yeah.

00:43:50.000 Stipe and him are going to fight.

00:43:51.000 That's going to be a different fight.

00:43:54.000 But I remember...

00:43:54.000 Stipe has way better wrestling than Serial Gon.

00:43:57.000 Stipe's got a shit ton of experience.

00:43:59.000 I remember thinking Stipe was going to die when he fought Ngannou the first time.

00:44:03.000 When he beat Ngannou.

00:44:04.000 Yeah, that was pretty wild.

00:44:06.000 I mean, that showed how durable he is.

00:44:08.000 He just survived that.

00:44:08.000 Yeah.

00:44:10.000 That showed how durable he is.

00:44:11.000 But there's other fights that show, like, you can't sleep on Stipe's stand-up skills.

00:44:17.000 Like, Stipe's a very good boxer.

00:44:20.000 Very good striker.

00:44:21.000 Remember when he fought DC and he kept ripping him with that left hook to the body?

00:44:24.000 Yeah.

00:44:24.000 Like, he hit him with a couple of those, and then DC was fucked.

00:44:27.000 That was one of those where I was watching it.

00:44:28.000 It's like when you're playing a video game and you don't know how to block.

00:44:32.000 He just keeps throwing it.

00:44:34.000 He can't stop it.

00:44:35.000 Well, he just did it very skillfully, man.

00:44:38.000 I'm telling you.

00:44:38.000 He would show you the jab and then dig under.

00:44:43.000 And he did it multiple times.

00:44:46.000 That's the side of the liver.

00:44:49.000 When you get hit on the liver, dude, it is a horrible feeling.

00:44:52.000 Your whole body, it's like you get electrically shocked.

00:44:56.000 It's like...

00:44:59.000 Yeah, look at that over and over again.

00:45:02.000 I just kept digging to his body.

00:45:05.000 So the thing is, it's like, Stipe is not Cyril Gaon.

00:45:10.000 Stipe is the most successful UFC heavyweight champion ever.

00:45:15.000 He defended the title more than anybody.

00:45:17.000 Yeah.

00:45:18.000 Yeah, I know that Francis knocked him out in his last fight, so people just will dismiss.

00:45:24.000 They'll say, oh, maybe he's washed up, or maybe these guys are better, or maybe, but that fucking guy's been counted out from the beginning.

00:45:33.000 I mean, he fought Fabricio Verdum in Brazil and flatlined him.

00:45:36.000 That was when Fabricio was the fucking man.

00:45:38.000 But Fabricio like chased after Stipe and Stipe just cracked him with the right hand and dropped him.

00:45:44.000 It's like an amazing- you ever see that fight?

00:45:46.000 No.

00:45:47.000 Watch this.

00:45:47.000 Stipe Miocic knocking out Fabricio Verdum.

00:45:52.000 So Fabricio- this is like in Brazil.

00:45:55.000 I'm pretty sure it was in Brazil.

00:45:57.000 But it was when Fabricio was the heavyweight champion.

00:45:59.000 So Fabricio had submitted Cain Velasquez.

00:46:02.000 He became the UFC heavyweight champion.

00:46:04.000 I gotta show you some football highlights.

00:46:05.000 Okay.

00:46:06.000 I'll get you some.

00:46:07.000 Okay.

00:46:07.000 Alright.

00:46:08.000 So watch this.

00:46:09.000 Watch this fight.

00:46:11.000 Fabrice over Doom just got real aggressive and started coming after him.

00:46:18.000 Boom!

00:46:21.000 Watch this.

00:46:22.000 What is he doing?

00:46:24.000 Bro, how good is that?

00:46:26.000 Why was he doing that?

00:46:27.000 Because he thought he could get to him.

00:46:28.000 He thought he could get to him.

00:46:30.000 And also, he got stung there.

00:46:31.000 Oh, he thought he was hurt.

00:46:32.000 He's just being very aggressive.

00:46:33.000 Do you know how beautiful that is?

00:46:36.000 Do you know how skillful that is?

00:46:37.000 Like, just watch that one more time.

00:46:39.000 Just the slide back and then the punch.

00:46:41.000 That's so hard to do, man.

00:46:43.000 Watch this.

00:46:44.000 Boom!

00:46:45.000 While he's moving away in full throttle, he uncorks a perfect right hand.

00:46:52.000 That motherfucker is an athlete.

00:46:54.000 Look at that.

00:46:55.000 So you can't sleep on that dude.

00:46:58.000 Yeah, but he looks like a guy who's drunk at the beach.

00:47:01.000 Well, he's probably drunk at the beach sometimes.

00:47:03.000 He's got the shorts, he's got that back tattoo.

00:47:05.000 Guy's a fucking animal.

00:47:07.000 Underrated.

00:47:07.000 Hugely underrated.

00:47:09.000 And also, one of the things I'm interested in is it seems like he put on some weight.

00:47:15.000 He put on some mass, which I think will probably be a good thing with these bigger heavyweights.

00:47:19.000 You know, I think he tried to have more endurance and come in lighter for Francis and try to tire Francis out.

00:47:25.000 But in the second Francis fight, Francis fought like this very patient style.

00:47:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:30.000 Which is so dangerous.

00:47:31.000 Well, he gassed on the first one, though.

00:47:32.000 Yeah.

00:47:33.000 Well, the first one, he just tried to knock him out.

00:47:35.000 Yeah.

00:47:35.000 And the second one, he took his time, which was terrifying.

00:47:37.000 Yeah.

00:47:38.000 You know, because all those shots that land, everyone that lands, like your power bar is just like...

00:47:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:45.000 And Ghanu's another one, dude.

00:47:46.000 Can you imagine that guy?

00:47:49.000 Getting wild on you.

00:47:50.000 You're Jesus.

00:47:51.000 Running through a town.

00:47:52.000 I'm so bummed that he left the UFC. I mean, I want that dude to make all the money.

00:47:57.000 I want him to make all the money.

00:47:58.000 Go make all that money in boxing.

00:48:00.000 I'm happy for him, but I really wish that Jones and him fought.

00:48:05.000 Because, God damn, that would be crazy.

00:48:09.000 That'd be fun.

00:48:10.000 You can't zig when you shoulda zagged with Francis O'Connor.

00:48:14.000 You can't make any mistakes, man.

00:48:17.000 That guy touches your chin, you're in a world of shit.

00:48:21.000 It's tomorrow.

00:48:21.000 You're in a world of shit.

00:48:23.000 He's a totally different thing.

00:48:25.000 His power makes it a totally different thing that you're doing.

00:48:29.000 Because with some guys, you can make little mistakes.

00:48:32.000 You get hit, you get shit, you move around, you get rocked a little.

00:48:36.000 With him, it's just sleep.

00:48:38.000 It's just bing!

00:48:40.000 It's like, oh no!

00:48:41.000 So that's in a lot of people's eyes.

00:48:43.000 Your wife is holding your head and you're like, oh no!

00:48:46.000 Like, when a guy will fight someone that doesn't have, like, dangerous striking, there's, like, a noticeable, like, relaxed sort of in the interactions.

00:48:56.000 It's like, you know you don't have to be too scared.

00:49:00.000 So you can get closer to them.

00:49:02.000 You could, like, avoid some shots.

00:49:04.000 But when someone has nuclear power, like Francis, there's not a thing you can do that doesn't put you in range of getting flatlined.

00:49:12.000 And so you're always thinking about it.

00:49:15.000 Look at that fucking upper gun, bro.

00:49:18.000 Dude.

00:49:19.000 What's your problem?

00:49:20.000 That fucking power is so preposterous.

00:49:24.000 That fucking ovarian punch?

00:49:25.000 Oof.

00:49:26.000 The ovarian punch was insane.

00:49:27.000 But I mean, he knocked out Cain Velasquez in the first round.

00:49:30.000 I mean, I just, I fucking think he can knock out anybody, man.

00:49:34.000 I think it's just a matter of whether or not he hits your chin.

00:49:37.000 I just think that power is just too extraordinary.

00:49:40.000 Oh my god.

00:49:41.000 And he's become so skillful.

00:49:43.000 That was the thing that was really remarkable about the Stipe fight.

00:49:47.000 Like, he fought very skillful.

00:49:50.000 It wasn't just that he's explosive and powerful.

00:49:53.000 He was patient and just, you know, being very tactical.

00:49:58.000 Was attacking with leg kicks and that fucking power.

00:50:01.000 Jesus.

00:50:02.000 Look, if we're talking UFC, I'm excited for Adesanya.

00:50:06.000 Oh yeah, the rematch.

00:50:07.000 It's going to be fun, dude.

00:50:08.000 Yeah, it's very, very interesting.

00:50:10.000 Very, very interesting.

00:50:12.000 Here's the interesting thing.

00:50:14.000 What if Izzy's leg wasn't fucked up?

00:50:18.000 Izzy was winning that.

00:50:19.000 What if Izzy was winning?

00:50:21.000 He was waiting on the scorecards.

00:50:22.000 But what if Izzy prepared more to avoid that low calf kick?

00:50:27.000 Like, what if it became a more crucial part of his training?

00:50:32.000 Which is what we're going to probably see.

00:50:34.000 Because the calf kick was a giant issue.

00:50:36.000 He was saying that the foot got really fucked up and he couldn't move right.

00:50:40.000 And you could see it when I rewatched it.

00:50:42.000 I was like, yeah, you could see it.

00:50:43.000 And Pejera lands a bunch of ruthless calf kicks in the first round.

00:50:48.000 That guy's a fucker, dude.

00:50:49.000 He's a motherfucker, dude.

00:50:51.000 He's the scariest motherfucker in that division.

00:50:53.000 You know one of the meanest thing UFC's done?

00:50:55.000 What?

00:50:55.000 Is Izzy was on the cover of the video game.

00:50:58.000 Yeah.

00:50:58.000 They changed it.

00:51:00.000 For Arizona.

00:51:01.000 Wow.

00:51:01.000 Yeah.

00:51:02.000 That's rude.

00:51:02.000 It's fucked up, dude.

00:51:03.000 That's rude.

00:51:04.000 It's fucked up.

00:51:04.000 Izzy's still the man.

00:51:06.000 Yeah, obviously.

00:51:06.000 Listen, Izzy almost had him out in the first round.

00:51:10.000 The first round, the first round, with seconds to go, he lands that right hand.

00:51:15.000 Ba-bank!

00:51:16.000 Like, right on the chin.

00:51:18.000 Rocks him.

00:51:19.000 And then there was a left hook that landed as well that was, like, on the bell.

00:51:24.000 Like, at the bell.

00:51:26.000 But...

00:51:28.000 Izzy's so important to the black anime culture.

00:51:33.000 Black dorks finally have a fucking champion, dude.

00:51:36.000 A dude who loves anime?

00:51:38.000 A guy who loves anime can fucking love.

00:51:41.000 And what courage.

00:51:42.000 I love that he just decided to get right back in there.

00:51:46.000 It's just not much time.

00:51:48.000 That guy's cool.

00:51:49.000 He might be the coolest guy.

00:51:50.000 He's very cool.

00:51:51.000 Very cool.

00:51:52.000 Who's the coolest guy?

00:51:53.000 He might be the coolest.

00:51:54.000 Might be him.

00:51:55.000 Yeah, might be him.

00:51:55.000 Pound for pound, coolest UFC guy?

00:51:56.000 Yeah, might be him.

00:51:58.000 Who's cooler?

00:51:59.000 Who could be cooler?

00:52:00.000 Ah, Conor.

00:52:01.000 Yeah, Conor's pretty fucking cool.

00:52:02.000 Conor's up there.

00:52:03.000 He's very cool.

00:52:04.000 Colby Covington.

00:52:06.000 Listen, that fucking guy's smart.

00:52:09.000 What he did, I've talked to him, he's a very nice guy.

00:52:12.000 And he's real good friends with my friend Cam Haynes.

00:52:14.000 He's a very smart guy.

00:52:15.000 And what was going on was that he was gonna get cut from his fucking contract.

00:52:20.000 And they were saying, dude, you're boring, you're just wrestling with people.

00:52:23.000 Now I'm the MAGA guy.

00:52:24.000 And so he goes over to Brazil and just starts talking mad shit.

00:52:30.000 Beats up Damien Maia and talks mad shit.

00:52:35.000 Just talked mad shit.

00:52:36.000 Too bad you gotta do that.

00:52:37.000 Well, you don't have to do it.

00:52:39.000 Because, you know, there's guys who don't do it.

00:52:42.000 You don't have to do it.

00:52:43.000 I mean, Pejera doesn't do it.

00:52:45.000 You don't have to do it.

00:52:46.000 Yeah, but you can be a freak.

00:52:47.000 You can be a scary freak and not talk.

00:52:50.000 That's one method.

00:52:52.000 Yeah.

00:52:53.000 It's like everybody has their own way of approaching it.

00:52:58.000 You know?

00:52:59.000 And some guys, they approach it.

00:53:02.000 Dude, I forget who it was.

00:53:04.000 Who the fuck is that guy?

00:53:05.000 Who the fuck is that guy?

00:53:08.000 Who the fuck is that guy?

00:53:10.000 It's just fucking amazing.

00:53:12.000 Oh, no.

00:53:13.000 It was amazing.

00:53:14.000 I mean, he's so good on the mic.

00:53:16.000 Conor's so good on the mic.

00:53:18.000 But Chael Sonnen was the original.

00:53:19.000 That's what I was saying about that before.

00:53:21.000 He was the first guy that brought a pro wrestling heel character to MMA with legit fighting skills.

00:53:32.000 He wasn't really a 205-er.

00:53:35.000 His shit talk is hilarious.

00:53:36.000 He was an elite 85-er, though.

00:53:37.000 He was an elite 85-er.

00:53:39.000 And he was fucking great.

00:53:41.000 Anderson Silva, you absolutely suck!

00:53:48.000 That was early, too.

00:53:50.000 It was amazing!

00:53:51.000 That dude's drinking Mickeys.

00:53:54.000 Yeah!

00:53:55.000 Get him!

00:53:56.000 It's hilarious.

00:53:58.000 I got a good one, a good highlight.

00:54:01.000 Sean Taylor vs.

00:54:03.000 Punter, Pro Bowl.

00:54:05.000 It's a fun one.

00:54:06.000 You want to see what happens when a normal human tries to run the ball in the NFL? Oh no.

00:54:10.000 It's pretty great.

00:54:11.000 It's also the Pro Bowl where you're not supposed to kill people.

00:54:15.000 So you're not supposed to kill people in the Pro Bowl?

00:54:18.000 Look at this normal human trying to run.

00:54:24.000 Oh my god.

00:54:26.000 Bro, that's like a car accident.

00:54:28.000 Look at him celebrating.

00:54:30.000 They're like, yeah, fuck you.

00:54:31.000 Bro, he used himself as a human missile.

00:54:35.000 Look at that.

00:54:36.000 He's like a human missile.

00:54:38.000 Dude, Sean Taylor was...

00:54:40.000 You know, that's one of the things that Jon Jones says about his brother Chandler.

00:54:46.000 He goes, I was grabbing his wrists while he was sitting down.

00:54:53.000 And Chandler basically lifted him up with his wrists.

00:54:57.000 And he goes, I've never felt strength like that in my life.

00:55:00.000 He's like, we're just lucky that guy's not fighting.

00:55:02.000 Those football guys are terrifying.

00:55:04.000 Terrifying.

00:55:05.000 Those dudes that can hit...

00:55:07.000 Even Mike Allstott highlights.

00:55:09.000 Do you know Mike Allstott?

00:55:10.000 No.

00:55:11.000 Dude, he's a white man running the football, dude.

00:55:13.000 Yeah?

00:55:14.000 It's our last great.

00:55:14.000 Well, obviously Christian McCaffrey, dude.

00:55:17.000 Christian McCaffrey runs the ball.

00:55:19.000 No, Mike Allstott was just a jacked...

00:55:22.000 He just ran straight.

00:55:24.000 My problem is I know too much about MMA, so I don't have any room for anything else.

00:55:29.000 I'm sure I'd love football.

00:55:31.000 Football is so fucking cool.

00:55:32.000 I'm sure I'd love football.

00:55:36.000 But my brain is like...

00:55:36.000 UFC's pretty awesome, dude.

00:55:38.000 For me, that's enough.

00:55:39.000 I hear you.

00:55:40.000 I can't only watch so much sports, but for me, like, that's...

00:55:44.000 This is what I always say.

00:55:46.000 If two guys are playing basketball and there becomes a dispute and one guy beats the other guy in basketball, the other guy can say, yeah, but I can still beat your ass.

00:55:54.000 But if somebody beats your ass, you can't say, yeah, but I can beat you in basketball because nobody cares.

00:56:02.000 That's the difference.

00:56:03.000 What if you cared about basketball?

00:56:05.000 Well, listen, basketball is an awesome sport.

00:56:08.000 What if two stand-ups?

00:56:09.000 One guy's an open-miker that does jiu-jitsu.

00:56:11.000 One guy's Louis C.K. He whoops his ass.

00:56:14.000 And Louis can be like, yeah, at least I can do stand-up.

00:56:17.000 Yeah, that's different, though.

00:56:18.000 Because now you're comparing...

00:56:20.000 His art is undeniable.

00:56:24.000 No one cares if Louis can do jiu-jitsu.

00:56:26.000 He's a fucking amazing stand-up.

00:56:29.000 But I'm saying in terms of physical competition...

00:56:33.000 We're only talking about physical competition.

00:56:35.000 It's just like a thing that what all sports are, it's like this expression of male dominance or female dominance.

00:56:43.000 It's like this expression of becoming, like whatever it is, whether it's basketball or soccer, it's like being the ultimate dominator through a game.

00:56:53.000 You ever see soccer fights?

00:56:54.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:54.000 Dude, it's so funny.

00:56:56.000 I love how they fake.

00:56:56.000 If they get touched, they all fly.

00:56:58.000 Yeah, they just flop to the ground.

00:57:02.000 Yeah.

00:57:02.000 Jamie, how are we looking on a Mike Allstad highlight, dude?

00:57:05.000 What's going on here?

00:57:06.000 This guy is the one that no one in the NBA fucks with.

00:57:08.000 Oh, Steven Adams.

00:57:09.000 He just picked this guy up and carried him away for fucking with his teammate.

00:57:12.000 He's from New Zealand.

00:57:13.000 No one fucks with this guy.

00:57:14.000 Why?

00:57:15.000 Because he's a monster.

00:57:17.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:57:18.000 He's like 6'11".

00:57:19.000 He's 7 feet tall.

00:57:21.000 He looks like fucking Aquaman, dude.

00:57:23.000 He just carried that guy.

00:57:26.000 He does some training.

00:57:27.000 Show me how he did that again.

00:57:28.000 Well, he got double underhooks.

00:57:34.000 Look at that.

00:57:34.000 He just hoists him.

00:57:35.000 Yeah, there's another NBA guy that does jujitsu that I think no one fucking can do.

00:57:39.000 He held his shoulder like a kid.

00:57:40.000 Bro, look at this.

00:57:42.000 He hoisted him up in the air and just started walking with him.

00:57:45.000 He's also a giant dude, too.

00:57:46.000 It's not like he's a small guy.

00:57:48.000 I know.

00:57:49.000 Look at that.

00:57:50.000 That's crazy.

00:57:51.000 Nope, get away.

00:57:51.000 This fight's over.

00:57:53.000 So, like, no fights happen when he's there, for sure, because he's the intimidator.

00:57:58.000 I'm such a big John Moran fan now.

00:57:59.000 That's a good way to do it, too.

00:58:01.000 Like, you didn't hurt him.

00:58:02.000 You just said, let's go for a walk.

00:58:05.000 That's such a bummer.

00:58:06.000 That's a bummer, dude.

00:58:08.000 Getting carried by another man.

00:58:09.000 Away.

00:58:10.000 Away.

00:58:11.000 Such a bummer.

00:58:12.000 Such a bummer.

00:58:14.000 I was doing pictures with fans once after a show.

00:58:17.000 This fucking big dude with like a weird mustache.

00:58:21.000 He wanted to take a picture and he goes, could I carry you in the picture?

00:58:25.000 I go, what?

00:58:26.000 No.

00:58:27.000 I go, like a baby?

00:58:28.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:58:29.000 Like, carry me?

00:58:30.000 You're being mean?

00:58:31.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:58:31.000 You're trying to be disrespectful?

00:58:32.000 No, no, no, he wasn't.

00:58:33.000 He just really wanted to carry me in the picture.

00:58:35.000 Alright.

00:58:36.000 There's something off about this dude.

00:58:37.000 Oh, he wasn't trying to be a dickhead.

00:58:39.000 No, I think he was just, like, real weird.

00:58:41.000 Just a fucking weird psycho?

00:58:43.000 But real and big.

00:58:43.000 Just real weird and big.

00:58:45.000 And he wanted to carry me.

00:58:46.000 Like, it didn't seem like he was being...

00:58:48.000 Did he have a knife for you?

00:58:49.000 Like, I gotta stab this fucking guy.

00:58:50.000 It didn't seem like he was being rude.

00:58:51.000 Yeah.

00:58:52.000 No!

00:58:52.000 It didn't seem like he was being rude.

00:58:54.000 Back at the fishing hole.

00:58:56.000 I'm 13 again.

00:58:58.000 This fucking fire teacher's trying to suck my dick.

00:59:02.000 Probably would have been terrifying.

00:59:04.000 It would have been very scary, but I'll tell you what, that guy would have sucked the soul out of you, dude.

00:59:08.000 That guy's been jogging thinking about it for years, dude.

00:59:13.000 That guy would have...

00:59:14.000 You would have launched into that fucking dude's mouth.

00:59:20.000 You'd never be the same, dude.

00:59:24.000 Dude, a blowjob where you have everything to lose while you're giving it?

00:59:28.000 It's a fucking strong blowjob.

00:59:33.000 Imagine the crazy...

00:59:35.000 I'm not advocating for pedophilia.

00:59:37.000 Imagine the crazy feeling like a 25-year-old hot teacher has fucking one of her 16-year-old students.

00:59:48.000 It's about as hot as it gets.

00:59:50.000 Yeah, some 16-year-old quarterback, he's asking her about English work, and she goes, well, if you come to my house, I can help you with some of your English work.

00:59:59.000 He goes over to her house, and she has a glass of wine already.

01:00:03.000 Stop, dude, stop.

01:00:03.000 And next thing you know, they're sitting on the couch, and she's talking to him, you know, I'm concerned, because some girls are bad.

01:00:10.000 And, you know, sometimes a man just needs sexual release.

01:00:15.000 Stop, dude.

01:00:16.000 This is a genre.

01:00:17.000 I whack off to this.

01:00:18.000 The kid's like, are you sure?

01:00:20.000 I mean, is this okay?

01:00:23.000 Yes, it's okay.

01:00:24.000 Stop.

01:00:28.000 Yes, it's okay.

01:00:31.000 No one's gonna care.

01:00:32.000 Nobody feels bad about those porns.

01:00:34.000 No one's gonna care.

01:00:35.000 If you show me a porn where there's like a 21-year-old guy banging a 45-year-old chick who lifts weights, I'm in.

01:00:42.000 Nobody's getting hurt there.

01:00:43.000 Oh, you're like jack ladies.

01:00:45.000 Yeah, you do.

01:00:46.000 Old ladies work out.

01:00:47.000 I'm a little jacked.

01:00:48.000 A little jack's fun.

01:00:49.000 A little bit.

01:00:50.000 Nothing crazy.

01:00:51.000 Yeah, one of the girls, I had sex with a girl that was getting strong.

01:00:56.000 And it fucked me up, dude.

01:00:58.000 No, I was from behind.

01:00:59.000 She had, like, traps.

01:01:00.000 And I was like, what the fuck?

01:01:04.000 Took me out of it.

01:01:05.000 That's hilarious.

01:01:08.000 Traps is rough.

01:01:09.000 Yeah, that's a male Vanderlei Silva look.

01:01:13.000 Yeah, that's a bummer.

01:01:15.000 Oh, no.

01:01:15.000 Thick neck.

01:01:16.000 Yeah.

01:01:17.000 Traps.

01:01:17.000 And I'm nothing.

01:01:18.000 I'm not working out at all.

01:01:19.000 I'm playing Xbox.

01:01:20.000 Maybe that's what they want.

01:01:22.000 Some girls like that.

01:01:23.000 Like a nice slob, dude.

01:01:24.000 A potato.

01:01:25.000 They just want to be the pit bull.

01:01:27.000 Yeah, I like that.

01:01:30.000 I like that.

01:01:32.000 With their traps.

01:01:33.000 I like that.

01:01:34.000 Traps, big forearms.

01:01:36.000 Yeah.

01:01:36.000 Big ol' veiny forearms.

01:01:39.000 I went to a strip club in London, Ontario last week.

01:01:45.000 And there was a lady, she was going wild, dude.

01:01:47.000 She was a pit bull.

01:01:48.000 She was like, they'd just bring people on stage and just...

01:01:51.000 Everybody in Canada was putting money in their mouth at this strip club.

01:01:55.000 Every single one of them would be...

01:01:56.000 What happened to COVID? The first stripper that was with me was like...

01:02:00.000 Opened her mouth.

01:02:02.000 What?

01:02:03.000 I was like, I don't want to put money.

01:02:04.000 You don't want money in your mouth.

01:02:06.000 I'm giving a stripper health advice.

01:02:08.000 I don't want to do that.

01:02:11.000 Put it in your thing.

01:02:13.000 Dudes would put money in their mouth and lay on stage on their back.

01:02:20.000 And the stripper would come and take it with her butt.

01:02:23.000 It's pretty fun.

01:02:24.000 But anyway, the point of the story...

01:02:25.000 Mouth seems very unsanitary.

01:02:28.000 Definitely.

01:02:29.000 For sure, right?

01:02:30.000 Yeah, they're going to get a fucked up disease.

01:02:33.000 And doesn't most money, there's at least a really good percentage of money that has cocaine on it?

01:02:42.000 Hundreds, I believe, has the highest percentage, but yes.

01:02:44.000 So if you're one of those people that gets...

01:02:46.000 That's a bummer.

01:02:50.000 That's a bummer.

01:02:52.000 Yeah, that's a bummer.

01:02:54.000 That's a sad line.

01:02:55.000 All I got is a one.

01:02:59.000 Oh my god.

01:03:00.000 But no, this lady was dancing.

01:03:02.000 She was fucking dudes up.

01:03:04.000 Dudes would go on stage.

01:03:05.000 My buddy went on stage and she tried to take his belt and whip him.

01:03:08.000 And he was like, no.

01:03:09.000 He was like, stop whipping.

01:03:12.000 But then she was dominating this guy.

01:03:14.000 And I was like, something's going on.

01:03:17.000 And then she lifted her arm and she had armpit hair.

01:03:20.000 And I was like, what the fuck?

01:03:22.000 It just ruined it, dude.

01:03:23.000 Immediately.

01:03:25.000 I was into it.

01:03:26.000 I was all in.

01:03:26.000 That's hilarious.

01:03:27.000 Armpit hair got me.

01:03:28.000 That's hilarious.

01:03:29.000 Armpit hair doesn't bother me at all.

01:03:31.000 No.

01:03:32.000 Doesn't bother me.

01:03:34.000 So wait, you like jack ladies with armpit hair?

01:03:35.000 Yeah, a little bit of armpit hair.

01:03:36.000 You're getting close, dude.

01:03:40.000 You're so close.

01:03:45.000 That's as close as it gets.

01:03:48.000 Oh my god.

01:03:49.000 Yeah, like a good buzz cut.

01:03:52.000 I like them bald.

01:03:53.000 I like a bald lady.

01:03:55.000 She could wear a wig.

01:03:56.000 You could be a different hairstyle every night.

01:03:59.000 Oh my god.

01:04:03.000 Damn, that fisherman might have got you, dude.

01:04:05.000 Might have set you off.

01:04:06.000 Imagine.

01:04:07.000 I could have got you.

01:04:09.000 I never had a priest.

01:04:10.000 What if I did stab him?

01:04:11.000 What if he killed me because I stabbed him?

01:04:12.000 You know, there's so many things that could have happened there.

01:04:15.000 I don't know what that guy got fired for, but he was a teacher.

01:04:20.000 I bet he got fired for fucking kids.

01:04:22.000 Yeah, you can't do shit like that.

01:04:25.000 You ever have a priest?

01:04:26.000 No, you weren't Catholic, were you?

01:04:27.000 Yeah, I was Catholic.

01:04:28.000 Yeah, but I dodged the priests.

01:04:30.000 I never had a priest really go for it, but I remember one time I was in confession, and it was right when we were all starting to whack off, so the priest, he like asked.

01:04:39.000 I was in the middle of confession and he was like, do you spill seed?

01:04:43.000 He said, do you spill seed?

01:04:45.000 And I thought it was like a biblical reference.

01:04:47.000 Like some type of proverb where like, you know?

01:04:50.000 So I was like, yes.

01:04:52.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:04:53.000 I thought it was like a saying for sinning.

01:04:55.000 Right.

01:04:56.000 Like, I don't know, some story where the guy dropped seeds.

01:05:00.000 And then I started to slowly realize that he was asking me about coming.

01:05:04.000 Oh my God.

01:05:05.000 He wasn't, I don't know.

01:05:06.000 That's a weird job.

01:05:08.000 Being a priest, asking fucking eighth graders if they're whacking off.

01:05:12.000 It's not appropriate.

01:05:14.000 And it's also...

01:05:17.000 The problem with any job where you have to be celibate.

01:05:20.000 Yeah.

01:05:20.000 Any job where you have to be celibate.

01:05:22.000 Like, who's going to sign up for that?

01:05:23.000 Here's the thing.

01:05:24.000 It's not like they get better seats in heaven.

01:05:26.000 No.

01:05:26.000 Like, why are you doing that?

01:05:28.000 Like, you're doing that because you're called to that duty?

01:05:31.000 A good priest, that is cool.

01:05:32.000 I do think that is cool.

01:05:33.000 A good priest is cool, but the idea that they should be celibate, you're going to eliminate a lot of people that don't want that job.

01:05:40.000 The dudes that are like, fuck it, I'll just be a priest.

01:05:42.000 Like, if you're, like, thinking about what job you want to have, and you're like, ah, I'll just fucking...

01:05:46.000 Just be a priest.

01:05:47.000 Some people do do that because they're raised Catholic.

01:05:51.000 And they're like, look, if I do it, I'm 100% guaranteed in.

01:05:55.000 You know?

01:05:56.000 All you have to do is like- You gotta go to school.

01:05:58.000 You don't have to go to school.

01:05:59.000 You're in there.

01:06:00.000 You're a priest now.

01:06:01.000 You gotta go to seminary for fucking seven years.

01:06:04.000 And people treat you well if you're a priest.

01:06:06.000 It's a respected part of the community.

01:06:08.000 It's funny how much they're kind of...

01:06:11.000 Oh, dude.

01:06:13.000 My friend Matt...

01:06:13.000 You met Matt McCusker.

01:06:15.000 We were laughing so hard about...

01:06:17.000 Like, a priest, you got a fucking pretty easy job.

01:06:20.000 You're set up.

01:06:20.000 You live next to the church.

01:06:22.000 You go do this.

01:06:23.000 But then every once in a while, you got to get hit with a dude confession that's just like, I sucked my friend's dick at golf.

01:06:30.000 You're like...

01:06:31.000 What?

01:06:32.000 Like, dude's hitting you with confessions.

01:06:34.000 And then you look out and see him in chairs.

01:06:36.000 Like, while you're performing mass, you look out, there's a guy like...

01:06:39.000 You see, you're like, oh, that's a guy who blows his friends.

01:06:42.000 You know?

01:06:43.000 You know the whole congregation's secrets.

01:06:45.000 That was a thing that they invented purely so that they could, like, spy on people.

01:06:53.000 Well, not blackmail.

01:06:54.000 They wanted to know who was doing what.

01:06:57.000 And if you could give people an out that allows you to go to heaven, but you have to tell.

01:07:02.000 You've got to tell on yourself.

01:07:04.000 Yeah.

01:07:04.000 But then I'll tell you, you're going to do a bunch of Hail Marys, and it's going to be good.

01:07:08.000 You're still going to go to heaven.

01:07:10.000 Like a completely human-created loophole.

01:07:14.000 Just to acquire data.

01:07:16.000 That's what it is.

01:07:17.000 Yeah, it was pre-Google.

01:07:18.000 Yeah, they were just acquiring data on the people.

01:07:21.000 It's fucked up.

01:07:21.000 I just had a revelation.

01:07:23.000 I think that's...

01:07:23.000 I tell on myself.

01:07:24.000 Do you?

01:07:25.000 Yeah, I was raised Catholic my whole life.

01:07:29.000 When I was a kid, I was telling myself.

01:07:33.000 It's built into the system.

01:07:35.000 I felt like when I was a young kid, I remember I went to Catholic school for one year and I had this nun that was teaching the class.

01:07:48.000 I didn't have a priest.

01:07:49.000 We had a nun.

01:07:50.000 And her name was Sister Mary Josephine, and she was so mean.

01:07:54.000 Yeah, we had Sister Michael Ann.

01:07:56.000 We all had wild names.

01:07:57.000 She was so mean, dude.

01:07:59.000 She was so mean.

01:07:59.000 She would tell you that she's going to make you sit on a nail in the closet, and you better bring your pajamas because you're staying here tonight.

01:08:08.000 Kids would cry.

01:08:09.000 We'd cry.

01:08:10.000 We'd be so scared.

01:08:12.000 Because I went from being with my mom, who's like this sweet lady.

01:08:16.000 This is the lady that I'm used to.

01:08:18.000 My mom's nice to me.

01:08:19.000 She loves me.

01:08:19.000 She's a nasty lady.

01:08:20.000 To all of a sudden, this crazy bitch that doesn't even get to fuck.

01:08:24.000 You're dressed in this weird costume, and she was so mean.

01:08:32.000 What it did to me at an early age was like, oh, okay.

01:08:36.000 That's bullshit.

01:08:38.000 You know how you have to see things that are so stunningly obvious?

01:08:42.000 This had nothing to do with God.

01:08:44.000 This is like a mean person who's just torturing kids.

01:08:47.000 And since I hadn't been around that, it was very unusual for me.

01:08:50.000 And I was like, oh, this is all horseshit.

01:08:55.000 And then I think there was a period after that where I was fucking kind of really weirded out because then I was thinking, well, if this is bullshit, does this mean that like nobody knows?

01:09:06.000 Nobody knows?

01:09:07.000 Yeah.

01:09:08.000 Do you remember that for the first time you realized that nobody knows what happens when you die?

01:09:13.000 I can tell you exactly when it was.

01:09:15.000 It was sixth grade.

01:09:16.000 Really?

01:09:17.000 Maybe fifth.

01:09:18.000 We were, exactly, and then I get it wrong.

01:09:20.000 We were at my friend's, we had like built a fort at my friend's house.

01:09:24.000 We were all back there and we were like, I don't know if God's real.

01:09:28.000 And everyone at the same time was like, yeah, dude, I know.

01:09:31.000 We're not allowed to talk about it.

01:09:33.000 Wow, that's the thing, right?

01:09:34.000 Yeah.

01:09:36.000 Especially if you have a religious family.

01:09:38.000 You're not allowed to talk about it.

01:09:40.000 People get very upset if you even just want to breach a subject.

01:09:44.000 I think, I mean, I was, if I told my dad, I mean, hearing a fifth grader say, I don't know if God's real, I'll fuck you up.

01:09:51.000 If my dad's just drinking, watching sports.

01:09:55.000 Yeah, dude.

01:09:56.000 Kids, do worry about that, man.

01:09:59.000 When I was younger, I used to really think that religion is just a panacea for the masses, and it's not necessary, and it's really outdated, and you should know better than to believe that.

01:10:10.000 But as I've gotten older, I've realized that it acts as like a scaffolding for behavior.

01:10:15.000 Yeah, of course.

01:10:16.000 And it also gives people a sense of being, of being a part of something that means something to them.

01:10:24.000 To say that that's not valuable is crazy.

01:10:26.000 That's what's cool if you talk to, like, a good priest.

01:10:28.000 Yeah.

01:10:29.000 Like, if you talk to a good one, they'll tell you that.

01:10:31.000 They'll go, yeah, no one knows.

01:10:33.000 But it's good.

01:10:34.000 And a good philosopher will say the same thing.

01:10:36.000 That's why I always question people that say that they know what's going to happen when they die.

01:10:41.000 There'll be just blankness.

01:10:43.000 People love to say that.

01:10:44.000 It's a very common thing, right?

01:10:46.000 Yeah.

01:10:47.000 People love to say that when it's over, you just die, and that you go black.

01:10:51.000 But we don't know that.

01:10:53.000 We don't know that.

01:10:54.000 This whole thing is weird enough that I think we should entertain every possibility.

01:10:59.000 You gotta feel real weird.

01:11:01.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:01.000 Your life's fucking crazy.

01:11:04.000 It's hilarious.

01:11:06.000 Yeah, it's very weird.

01:11:07.000 Yeah.

01:11:07.000 Me and my buddy O'Connor, who you met last night, we were talking about it on the way.

01:11:12.000 It was like, guys, it's the perfect setup.

01:11:16.000 It's pretty sweet.

01:11:17.000 UFC podcast stand-up.

01:11:19.000 Yeah.

01:11:21.000 Stuff I like.

01:11:21.000 Yeah.

01:11:22.000 Yeah.

01:11:23.000 That's cool.

01:11:24.000 God, that's a good club.

01:11:26.000 You can do that too, bro.

01:11:26.000 I'm trying.

01:11:28.000 Yeah.

01:11:29.000 That club?

01:11:29.000 You murdered last night, man.

01:11:31.000 Aw, thank you.

01:11:32.000 That was fun.

01:11:33.000 That was fun.

01:11:34.000 I get uncomfortable doing well like that.

01:11:36.000 It was too well.

01:11:38.000 I get a standing ovation when I walked out.

01:11:40.000 I was like, all right.

01:11:41.000 You see me?

01:11:41.000 I looked up at you.

01:11:42.000 Well, that fucking crowd is magic.

01:11:45.000 It's like magic right away, right from the jump.

01:11:47.000 Yeah.

01:11:49.000 Got a lot of people on the show, too.

01:11:51.000 It was a long-ass show last night.

01:11:53.000 A long show.

01:11:54.000 And then Dave goes up in the little room for the first time last night.

01:11:57.000 I was sweating.

01:11:58.000 Yeah, the place is pretty sick.

01:12:00.000 Yeah, that was cool.

01:12:01.000 Pretty sick.

01:12:02.000 Bringing up Dave was cool.

01:12:03.000 I wish he would have been ready.

01:12:06.000 Oh, when you brought him up.

01:12:07.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle!

01:12:09.000 He just wasn't there.

01:12:10.000 It was okay.

01:12:10.000 He's coming.

01:12:11.000 He's coming.

01:12:12.000 It was perfect because it wasn't smooth, so it set up the conversational style of stand-up that he was doing and fucking around.

01:12:20.000 And he also didn't know where the stage was, so he was like, how do I get up here?

01:12:23.000 And he went to the middle, and then he was like, no, you gotta go that way.

01:12:27.000 What was funny when he does that, where he's doing the conversational thing, it's almost like I think he knows what the joke's gonna be.

01:12:35.000 Because he'll keep talking, and you're like, oh man, all he's doing is making a point right now.

01:12:40.000 And then right at the very end, he hits a fucking...

01:12:42.000 Hits a zinger.

01:12:43.000 Yeah.

01:12:44.000 Yeah, well...

01:12:45.000 He practices.

01:12:47.000 That's what he wanted to do last night.

01:12:49.000 That was like a practice set, which is really interesting.

01:12:51.000 It gives him an opportunity to fuck around, and in that fucking around, he'll come up with an idea, and then he'll pursue that idea, and then they'll watch the film.

01:13:02.000 Wild, man.

01:13:03.000 It's wild to see.

01:13:04.000 It's so exciting.

01:13:07.000 Yeah, that was one of the cooler moments I've ever had.

01:13:09.000 Yeah.

01:13:10.000 You introducing me and then going on.

01:13:13.000 Yeah, and you were the first person who ever went on stage in that small room.

01:13:18.000 Thank you for that.

01:13:19.000 My pleasure.

01:13:20.000 That whole fucking night was awesome.

01:13:23.000 Yeah, it was pretty sick.

01:13:24.000 Yeah.

01:13:24.000 That's one of those I woke up today a little hungover.

01:13:26.000 It was one of those hangovers where I was like, good.

01:13:29.000 Yeah.

01:13:29.000 I earned that one.

01:13:30.000 That was a good hangover.

01:13:31.000 It was good.

01:13:32.000 The problem is we're doing so many shows there, I can't be hungover.

01:13:37.000 I can't go hard every night.

01:13:41.000 No.

01:13:42.000 Everybody is drinking.

01:13:43.000 That bar is just fucking ridiculous.

01:13:46.000 Yo, David Lucas was bombed last night.

01:13:48.000 We talked to David, dude.

01:13:50.000 I've never seen David that fucked up.

01:13:52.000 Danny Brown was in there screaming.

01:13:55.000 Danny Brown was very, very engaged.

01:13:57.000 I wanted to get a picture.

01:13:58.000 Yeah, I wanted a nice candid of me, Pauly Shore, and Danny Brown.

01:14:02.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:14:03.000 Pauly came by.

01:14:04.000 Yeah, that was a fucking fun night, man.

01:14:05.000 It was.

01:14:06.000 Doing it again tonight.

01:14:07.000 Wee!

01:14:08.000 Can't wait.

01:14:09.000 Wee!

01:14:11.000 I don't know, man.

01:14:12.000 I'm going to be chasing that dragon, though.

01:14:14.000 No, no, no.

01:14:15.000 Don't even worry about it.

01:14:15.000 Just have fun.

01:14:16.000 Yeah.

01:14:16.000 Think about it.

01:14:18.000 That club, the fact that the building is so old, it's like baked in.

01:14:25.000 There's like a life in that building that's baked in, and we just put nice clothes on it and dressed it up.

01:14:31.000 Yeah.

01:14:32.000 Yeah, I'm not sucking your dick.

01:14:34.000 That was perfect.

01:14:35.000 It's a perfect club.

01:14:36.000 That club's fucking perfect, man.

01:14:38.000 It's very exciting.

01:14:39.000 Standing back.

01:14:39.000 I was nervous.

01:14:40.000 I was looking at those fucking steps.

01:14:42.000 That's cool.

01:14:43.000 Yeah, you should feel like that.

01:14:43.000 I'm standing there.

01:14:44.000 I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

01:14:46.000 It's good for you.

01:14:47.000 Yeah.

01:14:47.000 It's also good that we're doing these shows where there's so many killers on.

01:14:51.000 That's what we missed.

01:14:51.000 Yeah, you know they're up there.

01:14:52.000 You know they're up there.

01:14:53.000 You know they're watching.

01:14:54.000 You're like, this has to be good, dude.

01:14:57.000 Yeah.

01:14:58.000 Well, that's what we were missing.

01:15:00.000 You know, like...

01:15:01.000 That's what we had at the store.

01:15:03.000 The store was always just killer after killer after killer, and it's just really good for you.

01:15:08.000 Yeah.

01:15:09.000 You know?

01:15:09.000 And when you take that away, it's like...

01:15:13.000 You kind of like...

01:15:16.000 As a good comedy gym, that's what you really want to reproduce.

01:15:19.000 You want to recreate the environment of a bunch of people that are sort of feeding off of each other.

01:15:25.000 Where they're like, this guy's killing.

01:15:27.000 It's like, God, I gotta pick my game up.

01:15:29.000 And everybody does it together.

01:15:31.000 It's very important.

01:15:32.000 And people don't want to, for some reason, some comics don't want to think about that.

01:15:37.000 They don't want to address that.

01:15:38.000 They like to think that they're completely self-made.

01:15:41.000 But we are so heavily influenced by our friends.

01:15:45.000 We're so heavily influenced by just the hang, you know?

01:15:48.000 Just the way we're always hanging out and talking shit and having a good time together.

01:15:52.000 But then also heavily influenced by our sets.

01:15:55.000 Yeah, I don't want to sound corny, but yeah, that's the thing you want.

01:15:59.000 Your other comics respect is the most important thing.

01:16:03.000 Yeah, and you want to earn it.

01:16:04.000 You want it to be real.

01:16:06.000 So that means you did your work.

01:16:08.000 You got to a certain level.

01:16:10.000 You're a real professional.

01:16:15.000 Yeah.

01:16:15.000 That was a fun night, dude.

01:16:17.000 Then we went to...

01:16:18.000 Jamie was on the prowl, dude.

01:16:21.000 He wanted to have a good time.

01:16:23.000 He was with me trying to find...

01:16:24.000 We went to...

01:16:25.000 Who was over there?

01:16:29.000 It was like Redman, Cypher Sounds was DJing, Jadakiss, Chappelle.

01:16:33.000 Did you guys go to the Vulcan?

01:16:34.000 No, we went to...

01:16:36.000 What's it called?

01:16:37.000 Native Hostel?

01:16:38.000 Oh, I've been there before.

01:16:39.000 Yeah.

01:16:39.000 It was me, Tony, Jamie, O'Connor, and DeRosa.

01:16:45.000 Just five white dudes showed up.

01:16:47.000 Just like, can we get a drink?

01:16:49.000 They're like, no.

01:16:50.000 Wow.

01:16:51.000 All right.

01:16:52.000 They closed the bar and I was like, I'm with Dave.

01:16:53.000 They're like, no, you're not.

01:16:56.000 All right.

01:16:57.000 I was like, I gotta find Dave.

01:16:59.000 Just walk around staring at Dave Chappelle.

01:17:02.000 No, you're not.

01:17:02.000 How many guys say I'm with Dave that aren't?

01:17:05.000 Yeah.

01:17:06.000 Ugh.

01:17:07.000 That's gotta be so annoying.

01:17:08.000 How about we were trying to get beers and those guys were like, Jamie, Shane.

01:17:13.000 And we were like, can we get two Miller Lights?

01:17:15.000 They were like, no.

01:17:16.000 I was like, alright.

01:17:17.000 Come on, man.

01:17:18.000 We'll give you money.

01:17:20.000 There's beer right there.

01:17:22.000 No.

01:17:23.000 Yeah.

01:17:24.000 And then, Jamie, I've never seen you on the prowl like that, dude.

01:17:29.000 Talk to the mic, dude.

01:17:30.000 Have fun.

01:17:31.000 He was trying to have fun, dude.

01:17:33.000 Jamie's usually not...

01:17:34.000 It's Wednesday night.

01:17:35.000 He's ready to get rowdy.

01:17:37.000 Thank God we didn't go back to the club and drink.

01:17:39.000 Tony was like, let's just leave and go back to the club.

01:17:41.000 I was like, dude, if we drink, it's 2. It's 2 o'clock right now.

01:17:45.000 Yeah.

01:17:45.000 If we go back to the club, we're there until 4. Yeah, go to bed.

01:17:49.000 Yeah, bedtime.

01:17:50.000 I'm getting good at bedtime.

01:17:52.000 The problem if you don't do bedtime is you wake up too late.

01:17:56.000 And then you miss a big part of the day.

01:17:58.000 Yeah.

01:17:58.000 It's not good.

01:17:59.000 I do that.

01:18:01.000 Yeah, but if you have some shit you gotta do...

01:18:06.000 These late nights, like Dave wants to stay up till like 3, 3.30 in the morning.

01:18:10.000 He just wants to keep going.

01:18:11.000 He goes.

01:18:11.000 He just keeps going.

01:18:13.000 He's the DJ. He was the DJ in the bar.

01:18:15.000 Yeah.

01:18:16.000 I'll do that.

01:18:17.000 I'll fucking hit the DJ. Bargazzi has a funny bit about it.

01:18:21.000 Oh yeah?

01:18:21.000 Of being a comic and like you wake up at like 11. So you wake up and the day is, you got 40 missed phone calls.

01:18:28.000 Every day he wakes up, the day is already done.

01:18:30.000 Yeah.

01:18:31.000 And he's like, oh shit.

01:18:33.000 But you have to get good sleep, too.

01:18:34.000 So if you do go to bed at 3 o'clock in the morning, you really should sleep till 11. You really should.

01:18:40.000 But then you gotta get going.

01:18:43.000 It's tough.

01:18:44.000 It's tough.

01:18:45.000 It's hard.

01:18:47.000 The thing that gets you for real is drinking.

01:18:50.000 That's what gets you.

01:18:51.000 Yeah.

01:18:51.000 You're drinking clubs a lot.

01:18:53.000 Yeah.

01:18:54.000 You're wearing yourself out.

01:18:55.000 I've been doing the cellar totally sober.

01:18:58.000 Yeah?

01:18:59.000 That's tough, man.

01:19:00.000 Don't enjoy it?

01:19:01.000 Five spots sober.

01:19:02.000 Oh, no.

01:19:03.000 You just gotta sit there for four hours.

01:19:05.000 Oh, no.

01:19:06.000 What do you do?

01:19:07.000 Get bored.

01:19:08.000 Yeah.

01:19:09.000 Find someone to talk to.

01:19:10.000 You gotta make small talk with another comedian sober.

01:19:12.000 Yeah, you gotta get into marijuana, son.

01:19:16.000 It's so bad.

01:19:17.000 I don't have the brain for it.

01:19:19.000 What about microdosing mushrooms?

01:19:21.000 I can fucking crush mushrooms.

01:19:22.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:19:24.000 Maybe a little bit?

01:19:25.000 Just a little bit?

01:19:26.000 Not just Coke.

01:19:27.000 Maybe.

01:19:28.000 Maybe I've been fucking fighting it for all this.

01:19:31.000 Maybe I'm fighting it for all this time and I'm going to become a Coke advocate.

01:19:35.000 Dude, if you were on Coke.

01:19:36.000 Coke is amazing.

01:19:38.000 Now that's another problem.

01:19:38.000 That's that Spencer Brown level...

01:19:41.000 That's Francis Ngannou level problem.

01:19:43.000 If you were a coke dude, you're going to talk about a pit bull running through a town?

01:19:48.000 Holy shit, dude.

01:19:51.000 Let's go!

01:19:53.000 We were leaving a restaurant last night.

01:19:57.000 Joe's just hanging out of an SUV going, let's go!

01:20:00.000 No, let's fucking go.

01:20:02.000 Just some lady walking just like...

01:20:05.000 Funny, now she has a story.

01:20:06.000 She's like, yeah, I was in Austin.

01:20:07.000 I saw Joe Rogan screaming.

01:20:10.000 That was because I was talking to radio, and radio was going to go meet Dave, and we were talking.

01:20:15.000 We were getting hyped up for this show.

01:20:17.000 I go, radio, let's fucking go!

01:20:19.000 Yeah, it was fun.

01:20:20.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:20:22.000 How about Radio?

01:20:23.000 Oh, he's awesome.

01:20:24.000 The I love you?

01:20:24.000 What's that?

01:20:25.000 Oh, that was hilarious.

01:20:26.000 I love you.

01:20:27.000 I love you too.

01:20:28.000 When he was explaining, I was like, oh shit, that's you, dude.

01:20:31.000 That was hilarious!

01:20:33.000 We were eating dinner, and there's a thing that Radio did when he was interviewing Logan Paul, where Logan Paul was...

01:20:39.000 He was talking about talking to his brother, saying to his brother, I love you, and Radio thought he was telling him he loved him, and he's like, I love you too.

01:20:48.000 But the reason why Radio said that is because Logan says I love you to him all the time.

01:20:52.000 He's like a very friendly, gregarious guy.

01:20:54.000 So it was natural for him to say, I love you too.

01:20:57.000 And he's like, oh no, what have I done?

01:21:02.000 And so Shane realizes in the middle of the conversation while we're eating dinner that that's who he is.

01:21:08.000 When you go, oh shit, that's you?

01:21:11.000 I kept saying it to him.

01:21:12.000 The rest of the night I'd see him, I'd go, I love you, dude.

01:21:15.000 He was like, alright, man.

01:21:17.000 I was like, there's nothing to be ashamed of, dude.

01:21:20.000 That's hilarious.

01:21:22.000 I love you, too.

01:21:23.000 I love you, too.

01:21:25.000 That hurts, man.

01:21:26.000 Oh, it's a bad one.

01:21:28.000 Yeah, I'll play it.

01:21:29.000 It's so funny.

01:21:29.000 Dude, that is the actual worst version of, you know, doesn't Brian have a bit of, Brian Regan have a bit about that?

01:21:38.000 Yeah.

01:21:38.000 How does it go?

01:21:39.000 Like, enjoy your meal or enjoy your flight.

01:21:42.000 You too!

01:21:42.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:42.000 He's like, God, you too.

01:21:44.000 Yeah, that's like...

01:21:44.000 Jake, I love you.

01:21:46.000 I'm not going to give you a big speech.

01:21:47.000 I know you got this, but either come back victorious or come back on your shield.

01:21:50.000 I love you, bro.

01:21:51.000 I love you too, man.

01:21:52.000 How do you feel?

01:21:55.000 But again, the first time I saw it, I didn't even think about it.

01:21:59.000 Yeah, that's not good.

01:22:02.000 I love you too, bro.

01:22:03.000 But listen, I have said in interviews, I love you too to fighters.

01:22:10.000 Many times.

01:22:10.000 Yeah.

01:22:11.000 Many times.

01:22:12.000 Like Sugar Sean O'Malley, there's like a love fest between me and Sugar Sean.

01:22:16.000 There's like five of them where I tell them I love them.

01:22:19.000 Yeah.

01:22:23.000 Someone says they love me.

01:22:24.000 I love them too.

01:22:25.000 I do.

01:22:25.000 I genuinely do.

01:22:27.000 But that was just a fuck up.

01:22:28.000 He just fucked up.

01:22:29.000 You know, it happens.

01:22:31.000 I was like, dude, it happens.

01:22:32.000 I saw it, I watched it, and I went out loud.

01:22:35.000 I was like, ah!

01:22:37.000 It's no big deal.

01:22:38.000 You're a great interviewer.

01:22:39.000 It's just such a funny angle too.

01:22:41.000 I love you too.

01:22:42.000 He's a super knowledgeable dude about boxing.

01:22:44.000 If you want to talk to boxing, talk to radio.

01:22:46.000 He knows all the contenders and all the various divisions.

01:22:50.000 He's got essentially a boxing memory and a knowledge like I have an MMA knowledge.

01:22:57.000 He knows a lot of shit about boxing.

01:23:01.000 Man, I like Tyson Fury.

01:23:02.000 Tyson Fury was good!

01:23:04.000 He was good!

01:23:05.000 When he sings.

01:23:06.000 Oh my god.

01:23:07.000 He's the best.

01:23:08.000 After every fight, just...

01:23:11.000 I just hope that the Usyk fight happens.

01:23:13.000 Tyson Fury is, in my opinion, he's like one of the hardest puzzles to solve in the history of the heavyweight division.

01:23:19.000 Six foot whatever the fuck he is.

01:23:21.000 What is he?

01:23:21.000 6'9"?

01:23:22.000 6'9".

01:23:24.000 Incredible skill.

01:23:26.000 Like, so slick.

01:23:28.000 And like that herky-jerky style.

01:23:30.000 Hard to read.

01:23:31.000 Pops you.

01:23:32.000 Knocked out Wilder twice.

01:23:34.000 I mean, come on, man.

01:23:37.000 Wilder nukes everybody.

01:23:39.000 Yeah.

01:23:39.000 If it wasn't for Tyson Fury, like, who knows?

01:23:42.000 Yeah.

01:23:42.000 Wilder might have beaten all the rest of them.

01:23:44.000 He would have.

01:23:44.000 He might nuke them all.

01:23:46.000 Yeah.

01:23:47.000 Tyson Fury's just got his number, man.

01:23:49.000 That's a bummer.

01:23:50.000 That sucks, dude.

01:23:51.000 Just another guy doing the same thing as you that's got your number.

01:23:54.000 Got your number.

01:23:56.000 Especially because he all...

01:23:58.000 That first fight?

01:23:58.000 Wilder almost got him.

01:23:59.000 Had him.

01:24:00.000 I mean, it looked like he was out.

01:24:02.000 He had him.

01:24:02.000 Lying flat on his back?

01:24:04.000 Full Undertaker, dude.

01:24:05.000 Just...

01:24:06.000 Got up.

01:24:07.000 Dude, those gypsies are just not the same.

01:24:10.000 Yeah, dude.

01:24:11.000 Those are not regular white people.

01:24:12.000 Those are fucked up freaks, dude.

01:24:16.000 That guy's a freak.

01:24:18.000 He looks like shit, dude.

01:24:20.000 It's awesome.

01:24:21.000 Yeah.

01:24:21.000 It's awesome, dude.

01:24:22.000 It is awesome.

01:24:23.000 He looks like shit.

01:24:23.000 His fucking back fat.

01:24:24.000 He's going up against a chiseled back, dude.

01:24:26.000 You're like, oh, yes, dude.

01:24:28.000 So he's flat on his back.

01:24:30.000 Here comes a complete freak.

01:24:33.000 And now watch this.

01:24:34.000 Just gets right up to his feet.

01:24:41.000 And now he says he's fine.

01:24:44.000 He walks over there jiggling, all that fat fat jiggling.

01:24:47.000 So now here's what's crazy though.

01:24:50.000 He thought, Deontay thought the fight was over, right?

01:24:53.000 That's a very embarrassing clip for Deontay.

01:24:56.000 Yeah, he thought he had him.

01:24:57.000 You see him get up and you're like, oh shit.

01:24:59.000 Yeah, there's a look when he sees him get up.

01:25:01.000 Watch.

01:25:03.000 Right now he realizes he got up.

01:25:06.000 And he's like, oh shit, he's back up.

01:25:09.000 And so then from that round on, Tyson Fury beat him.

01:25:14.000 And Tyson Fury figured out that if you get Deontay to back up, he's not as effective.

01:25:20.000 Is that a draw?

01:25:21.000 Like that thing that you saw Stipe do, where he ran and knocked out Fabrizio Verdum.

01:25:25.000 That's so hard to do.

01:25:27.000 Yeah.

01:25:27.000 And some guys just can't do that.

01:25:29.000 And Deontay is much better going forward.

01:25:32.000 So in all the fights after that, Tyson Fury just controlled the pace, controlled the distance, kept it on him, kept him backing up, and was super aggressive.

01:25:42.000 It's fun.

01:25:43.000 Tyson's the funniest, man.

01:25:45.000 He's the best.

01:25:45.000 He's so fucking funny, dude.

01:25:46.000 Bitch!

01:25:48.000 Usyk!

01:25:49.000 He calls everybody bitches.

01:25:51.000 Yeah, nothing.

01:25:52.000 Yeah, I can't even disagree.

01:25:54.000 Yeah, tosser.

01:25:55.000 Yeah.

01:25:56.000 Absolute tosser.

01:25:58.000 Scared to fight me.

01:26:01.000 When he's singing, he's singing.

01:26:03.000 Yeah.

01:26:04.000 Walking in Vegas.

01:26:06.000 A long, long time ago, I can still remember.

01:26:12.000 He just knocked a guy out.

01:26:14.000 He's a fucking insane person.

01:26:17.000 He's just singing.

01:26:19.000 Oh, that has to hurt, losing to him.

01:26:21.000 And you hear it while you're walking back to the tunnel, you hear this fucking guy.

01:26:26.000 I can still remember how that music used to make me smile.

01:26:33.000 That doesn't even make sense!

01:26:35.000 You just win a fight.

01:26:37.000 I can make those people dance and maybe they'd be happy for a while.

01:26:46.000 Look at all those people sitting there going, what the fuck is happening?

01:26:50.000 It's the longest song you can pick.

01:26:51.000 It's the longest song!

01:26:53.000 It's Bye Bye American Pie!

01:26:56.000 That fucking song's so long!

01:26:58.000 I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widow's wife Something touched me deep inside The day He's trying so hard to sing,

01:27:17.000 dude.

01:27:18.000 He's singing for real.

01:27:20.000 He screamed like a pirate!

01:27:24.000 He bullied Damo in the singing!

01:27:30.000 Look at how many people are still there, sitting down after he won the fight.

01:27:35.000 You know what he's gonna sing, dude.

01:27:41.000 English, they love singing.

01:27:43.000 They do.

01:27:44.000 They always sing it.

01:27:45.000 What a good culture.

01:27:46.000 Just getting fucked up and singing together.

01:27:48.000 You and your boys come up with a song.

01:27:51.000 That's fun.

01:27:52.000 Our American chants suck.

01:27:54.000 We're not even close.

01:27:56.000 Well, those songs that they sing back then, that's like back in the war days.

01:28:00.000 They would go on campaigns and sing songs.

01:28:03.000 Sing war songs.

01:28:04.000 In a trench.

01:28:06.000 Dude.

01:28:07.000 Hold on, I gotta piss.

01:28:08.000 Can I piss?

01:28:08.000 Yeah, let's piss.

01:28:09.000 Alright.

01:28:11.000 Let's fucking go.

01:28:13.000 Let's fucking go.

01:28:14.000 Stop, Joe.

01:28:16.000 Shane Gillis, ladies and gentlemen.

01:28:17.000 Hey.

01:28:18.000 So tell me about shit hoarding.

01:28:20.000 Shit hoarders.

01:28:23.000 Last night!

01:28:24.000 This is the kind of conversations we have at like 1 o'clock in the morning.

01:28:27.000 He's like, dude!

01:28:29.000 You watch Hoarders?

01:28:32.000 Because I was like, alright, fuck, I gotta think of something.

01:28:34.000 I gotta have something to say.

01:28:36.000 We always have something to say.

01:28:37.000 I know, I know, but you know how.

01:28:38.000 You get a little wet.

01:28:39.000 You know so much about history.

01:28:40.000 You always have something to say.

01:28:42.000 That's an interesting element of your act that I really enjoy, is that you're such a fan of...

01:28:49.000 What's the matter, Jamie?

01:28:50.000 The shithoarder?

01:28:51.000 Yeah, sorry.

01:28:51.000 I didn't mean to.

01:28:52.000 Oh.

01:28:52.000 No, it's unbelievable.

01:28:53.000 I thought you spilled coffee on yourself.

01:28:55.000 No, it's unbelievable.

01:28:57.000 You have such a knowledge of history, and you're so interested in so many different things that it layers...

01:29:05.000 Your comedy in a really cool way.

01:29:07.000 It's like that George Washington thing, I don't want to say anything, because it's so good.

01:29:12.000 I don't want to fuck it up, but it's so good.

01:29:15.000 I love that bit.

01:29:16.000 But it's also historically accurate.

01:29:19.000 It's fucking fun.

01:29:20.000 It's fun because it's engaging me and it's entertaining me.

01:29:25.000 It's engaging me, it's interesting.

01:29:27.000 And it's also very funny.

01:29:29.000 It never worked.

01:29:30.000 And I remember in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, one of the open mics where I started, Amish country, there was a joke I always used to try.

01:29:39.000 The guy who was running the mic would always be like, dude, do it.

01:29:42.000 Do the Civil War joke.

01:29:43.000 It never worked.

01:29:44.000 It was just about dudes walking to shoot each other.

01:29:49.000 Like, you had to walk.

01:29:50.000 It was something about, like, you know how racist you had to be to, like...

01:29:54.000 Be in the South and wake up one day and be like, wait, they freed who?

01:29:58.000 What the fuck?

01:29:59.000 I'm going up there and then walking the whole way.

01:30:03.000 You had to sleep at night and wake up and go like, son of a bitch.

01:30:07.000 And they walked from Alabama to Maryland.

01:30:10.000 You got shot in the head right away.

01:30:12.000 Who had that great joke about that?

01:30:13.000 You know, where they'll tell you the Civil War wasn't about slavery.

01:30:18.000 It was about economics.

01:30:20.000 Like, yeah, you didn't want to pay the help.

01:30:23.000 Whose joke is that?

01:30:24.000 I don't know.

01:30:25.000 Somebody has that joke.

01:30:26.000 I don't know.

01:30:27.000 People try to act like the Civil War wasn't about it.

01:30:28.000 Is it Bill Maher?

01:30:29.000 Maybe.

01:30:30.000 It might be Bill Maher.

01:30:31.000 It's someone good.

01:30:32.000 But I always wanted to do a joke about...

01:30:35.000 Because your company, whatever your group was, because they were all from the same town.

01:30:40.000 So your division or fucking your brigade would be from your town.

01:30:45.000 So you never left your town.

01:30:47.000 So your brigade back then was everybody you grew up with.

01:30:51.000 Every dude.

01:30:51.000 Your son, your brother, your uncle, and your dad.

01:30:54.000 You're all fucking together.

01:30:56.000 And you're marching shoulder to shoulder.

01:30:59.000 And you watch your fucking dad get his head ripped off by a cannonball.

01:31:03.000 You just gotta keep being like, oh, fuck.

01:31:06.000 Oh, fuck.

01:31:07.000 A cannonball hits your dad in the head.

01:31:10.000 You knew who was getting shot.

01:31:12.000 Oh my god, dude.

01:31:15.000 Yeah.

01:31:15.000 I don't know why that's funny.

01:31:17.000 Imagine?

01:31:18.000 Yeah.

01:31:19.000 How about the trench warfare of World War I? Started in Civil War.

01:31:24.000 Siege of Vicksburg, I think.

01:31:26.000 That's when they started trench warfare?

01:31:27.000 Yeah, they say the Civil War in America was like the first modern war.

01:31:32.000 This is revolutionary, dude.

01:31:34.000 It's just getting pumped.

01:31:34.000 This is so horrible.

01:31:36.000 Look at this, walking towards each other, like the stupidest way to do it ever.

01:31:40.000 Can you imagine that people did this for some- OH GOD! OH GOD! Hit in the face with a cannonball.

01:31:50.000 Now that's, the Patriot's roughly based off of, I think his name is Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox.

01:31:56.000 And he was a, he was kind of an originator of guerrilla warfare.

01:32:00.000 Because they were like, we can't, we can't stand and fight the British.

01:32:04.000 God damn.

01:32:05.000 We have to shoot them and run.

01:32:06.000 Which is pretty funny.

01:32:10.000 How crazy are the British just going to come over here and start marching with a big white stripe on your chest?

01:32:17.000 Red jackets?

01:32:18.000 It's 100% a target.

01:32:20.000 Red and white is what you use for archery targets.

01:32:24.000 They had to change.

01:32:26.000 That's so dumb!

01:32:27.000 Once rifling took over, they had to be like, alright, we've got to switch our uniforms.

01:32:30.000 Isn't that amazing, though, that that was...

01:32:33.000 You had to think of how much the British Army conquered in the world.

01:32:38.000 Everybody.

01:32:39.000 And imagine that their decision to fight was this way.

01:32:45.000 Like, how?

01:32:46.000 How did you get from Like, the Mongols to that.

01:32:52.000 How does that happen in a thousand years?

01:32:55.000 The Mongols had all these crazy tactics.

01:32:57.000 They would starve people out, lock them in their cities.

01:33:01.000 They would wait them out slowly.

01:33:03.000 You get artillery and guns, you can just...

01:33:06.000 But this is crazy!

01:33:08.000 That's just running it down your throat, dude.

01:33:10.000 It's like, we're gonna walk at you.

01:33:12.000 But...

01:33:13.000 I just can't imagine that someone wouldn't say, hey, isn't there a fucking better way to fight these people?

01:33:19.000 Yeah, like, what are we doing?

01:33:20.000 Let's get behind a tree and then shoot them.

01:33:22.000 I can't even watch this, dude.

01:33:24.000 I can't believe people did that.

01:33:25.000 That's what's so crazy.

01:33:26.000 It's like, how did they survive to become that silly?

01:33:30.000 Like, that's a silly way to fight a war, right?

01:33:33.000 So how did they survive with those strategies?

01:33:36.000 How were they dominant with those strategies?

01:33:38.000 Because they're the only ones with...

01:33:38.000 Well, most of them are colonies, where the other guys are...

01:33:42.000 They have fucking cowhide shields and spears, like the Zulu.

01:33:46.000 And so they were the only ones with muskets?

01:33:47.000 Yeah, you have fucking guns.

01:33:48.000 You just...

01:33:49.000 Yeah, you're gonna win.

01:33:51.000 You're the only ones with guns.

01:33:52.000 So the British were the only ones with guns?

01:33:54.000 Well, when it came to their colonies.

01:33:57.000 In a land war, they would lose a lot to France, Prussia, those major continental powers.

01:34:04.000 But England always had a navy.

01:34:06.000 They always dominated through naval warfare.

01:34:09.000 And then they had to team up with everyone to stop Napoleon.

01:34:13.000 Dude, once they started shooting cannonballs off boats...

01:34:17.000 That's a problem.

01:34:17.000 That must have been a game changer.

01:34:19.000 Huge problem.

01:34:19.000 When did they start doing that?

01:34:21.000 When did they start doing cannonballs from boats?

01:34:23.000 Because that's, bro, that is a motherfucker.

01:34:27.000 Yeah.

01:34:27.000 You got a cannon on a boat?

01:34:29.000 Shooting people without cannons?

01:34:31.000 Boom!

01:34:32.000 Yeah, you just do this all day.

01:34:33.000 How many times did they have to shoot that cannon before they figured out how hard they have to bolt it into the floor?

01:34:40.000 A lot.

01:34:41.000 Shot out the other side of the boat.

01:34:43.000 You got a floating wooden thing with this giant iron tube on it that has explosions go off on it.

01:34:52.000 And just four poor guys from Manchester operating it.

01:34:58.000 Oh my god.

01:35:00.000 Boom!

01:35:01.000 You ever see Master and Commander with Russell Crowe?

01:35:04.000 I think I have.

01:35:07.000 Oh, it's...

01:35:07.000 Jamie, back me up, dude.

01:35:09.000 I don't remember it.

01:35:10.000 It's got like a...

01:35:10.000 It's so good.

01:35:11.000 It's way more popular now than it was...

01:35:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:35:14.000 Oh, I read an article about that.

01:35:16.000 Why are so many men into Master and Commander?

01:35:20.000 I thought it was a video game.

01:35:21.000 What did they say?

01:35:21.000 Is this guy gay?

01:35:23.000 Uh-uh.

01:35:23.000 Alright.

01:35:24.000 I don't read articles.

01:35:25.000 I read headlines.

01:35:26.000 That's what I read.

01:35:27.000 And then I form my own opinions.

01:35:28.000 Yeah, of course.

01:35:30.000 There's a study out, bro.

01:35:31.000 You don't even know about that study.

01:35:33.000 I hate studies.

01:35:34.000 It says more men like Master and Commander than like anime.

01:35:38.000 That's good.

01:35:39.000 That's a nice thing.

01:35:40.000 That would be good.

01:35:41.000 Just kidding with the study.

01:35:42.000 But it's why they like it.

01:35:44.000 Master Commander's good.

01:35:46.000 Is it?

01:35:46.000 Yeah.

01:35:47.000 Look at this, dude.

01:35:48.000 That's fun.

01:35:49.000 Guys on boats.

01:35:51.000 Boys on boats, dude.

01:35:52.000 You get to grab the boys when they're sleeping.

01:35:55.000 You go, don't tell anyone about this, mate.

01:35:58.000 How weird is it that they're using a sextant in a cloudy day?

01:36:02.000 How are they doing that?

01:36:05.000 Isn't a sextant based off the stars?

01:36:08.000 Isn't that what it works?

01:36:09.000 I have no idea.

01:36:10.000 I don't know what the fuck they did.

01:36:13.000 Those things those kids are looking through, which this is really wild, that was how they would navigate.

01:36:19.000 Imagine the crude tool that they were using to float around in the fucking ocean, and they would do it somehow or another through the stars.

01:36:28.000 That book, the first thing I ever talked to you about was Cabeza de Vaca.

01:36:32.000 Yes!

01:36:33.000 And they were like, the guy they hired to do the navigating, like, fucked up.

01:36:38.000 Yeah.

01:36:39.000 Hardcore.

01:36:40.000 They had no idea.

01:36:40.000 He had to be like, no, I know where we're going.

01:36:42.000 How accurate are those sextants?

01:36:45.000 I think if you're off, especially going from Spain, if you're off, like, a little, you're fucked.

01:36:51.000 It looks like we have an updated version now.

01:36:54.000 Does it have, like, computers on it and shit?

01:36:56.000 Same thing?

01:36:56.000 Better scope, maybe.

01:36:57.000 It looks dope.

01:36:58.000 That looks way better.

01:36:59.000 So how does it work?

01:37:07.000 A sextant is a doubly reflecting navigation instrument that measures the angular distance between two visible objects.

01:37:16.000 The primary use of a sextant is to measure the angle between an astronomical object and the horizon for the purpose of celestial navigation.

01:37:26.000 So the estimation of this angle, the altitude, is known as sighting or shooting the object or taking a sight.

01:37:32.000 The angle and the time when it was measured can be used to calculate a position line on a nautical or aeronautical chart.

01:37:53.000 I don't understand any of it.

01:37:55.000 It seems like they're using dots in the sky.

01:37:58.000 So one of them would be the sun, one of them would be the moon.

01:38:01.000 Yeah.

01:38:03.000 Because they're calculating the angles of how far the things are away from each other and where the stars are, you can kind of figure out where you are in the ocean.

01:38:13.000 Somehow.

01:38:13.000 I'm not sure I understand it.

01:38:15.000 But now they just use GPS, which is way better.

01:38:18.000 Yeah.

01:38:18.000 Imagine back then when they just didn't know where they were and they thought they were in India.

01:38:24.000 You know?

01:38:26.000 It's a moving GIF. I can't control it, but it's showing how it works.

01:38:30.000 Mmm.

01:38:31.000 You read the angle.

01:38:32.000 I'm not going to figure this out right now.

01:38:33.000 Yeah, we're too dumb for this.

01:38:35.000 We're too dumb.

01:38:36.000 But it's amazing that they used those to travel all around the world.

01:38:40.000 Like, they trusted those things and the way you would figure it out through that.

01:38:44.000 Yeah, if you were off, you're dead.

01:38:45.000 Yeah, not good.

01:38:46.000 You're dead.

01:38:46.000 And you might have scurvy anyway.

01:38:47.000 Yeah.

01:38:48.000 What, are you eating beef jerky every day?

01:38:50.000 Yeah.

01:38:50.000 You hit no wind.

01:38:52.000 You're just on flat sea.

01:38:53.000 They're all sick.

01:38:54.000 They would get sick.

01:38:56.000 Yeah, there's mutinies constantly.

01:38:58.000 You'd be like, this guy's going to fucking get us killed.

01:39:00.000 Mm-hmm.

01:39:01.000 And the storms were completely unpredictable.

01:39:04.000 You had no idea when a storm was coming.

01:39:06.000 Zero idea.

01:39:06.000 That conveys a divaca story.

01:39:08.000 I kind of forget it, but...

01:39:09.000 It's amazing.

01:39:11.000 So they...

01:39:11.000 I think they were in Cuba, Hispaniola, and they left and they tried to...

01:39:17.000 They landed in, like, Tampa.

01:39:18.000 Mm-hmm.

01:39:19.000 And they were like, half of the party go get on a sailboat or meet us at the harbor.

01:39:23.000 There's a harbor up this coastline.

01:39:25.000 And they're like, alright, we'll just, half the party's gonna walk, half the party's gonna take the boat.

01:39:29.000 And there was no harbor.

01:39:31.000 They had to walk from Tampa to Mexico City.

01:39:35.000 Three of them made it.

01:39:37.000 They all got killed.

01:39:39.000 Yeah, pretty fun.

01:39:40.000 They had to survive waves like this back then, too, yes?

01:39:43.000 Yep, 100%.

01:39:44.000 But they could not.

01:39:46.000 But they didn't.

01:39:46.000 They went under.

01:39:47.000 I mean, that's why those boats sank.

01:39:49.000 There's so many of those pirate ships.

01:39:51.000 And how about the Roman ships they find that sank with, like, a fucking billion dollars with gold in them?

01:39:57.000 Spanish.

01:39:58.000 Oh, my God.

01:39:59.000 Spanish coming back from the New World.

01:40:00.000 There's probably a bunch of those out there.

01:40:03.000 Those guys that find, like, hidden treasure or sunken treasure.

01:40:06.000 Pretty cool.

01:40:07.000 That's a wild thing, man.

01:40:08.000 Can you imagine if you're a guy who's invested all this money, got all this stress, you got a team of divers.

01:40:15.000 It's basically like a CBS drama show.

01:40:17.000 You got a team of divers and they finally find it.

01:40:21.000 And now you got to protect it from pirates.

01:40:23.000 Now you got to kill those guys that were on the dive with you.

01:40:26.000 Oh, I bet that happens a lot.

01:40:27.000 We just found a trillion dollars.

01:40:29.000 I bet that happens a lot, right?

01:40:30.000 I bet guys kill each other.

01:40:32.000 Probably.

01:40:33.000 Yeah.

01:40:33.000 There's a story I know.

01:40:34.000 I think I told you about it one time before.

01:40:36.000 This guy, he did exactly what you're talking about.

01:40:40.000 He found the gold.

01:40:41.000 He got an investment.

01:40:42.000 His name's Tommy Thompson.

01:40:43.000 I think there's a documentary about him.

01:40:45.000 He then lost the gold.

01:40:49.000 In quotes.

01:40:50.000 Lost it.

01:40:50.000 Didn't know where he put it.

01:40:51.000 He's been in jail.

01:40:52.000 Look at that pirate, dude.

01:40:53.000 Held under contempt because he owes the people who invested in him the money.

01:40:56.000 He's just like, I don't know where it is.

01:40:57.000 I can't remember where I put it.

01:40:59.000 And so the judge is just holding him.

01:41:02.000 How long can he hold him?

01:41:03.000 He's been in jail for like 20 years, I think.

01:41:05.000 Really?

01:41:06.000 Yeah.

01:41:06.000 For $4 million?

01:41:07.000 It's at least $4 million, I think, is the problem.

01:41:09.000 He might have found a lot, and he just didn't tell everybody he found.

01:41:13.000 So he's been in jail for how long?

01:41:18.000 Let me see if I can...

01:41:19.000 Yeah, let's find it.

01:41:20.000 I believe it's more than 10 years.

01:41:22.000 I think it's been going on for a while.

01:41:23.000 Well, he looks so much older than he did when he got arrested.

01:41:25.000 That's pretty neat.

01:41:30.000 Yeah, see, it started back in like the 90s.

01:41:32.000 Oh my god.

01:41:34.000 He discovered it in like 89 and then went back.

01:41:38.000 People have been talking about it for a while, but I think he's, as far as I know, still being held.

01:41:43.000 What a fucking idiot.

01:41:45.000 Well, not only that, where's the gold and how does he know it's going to be there when he gets out?

01:41:49.000 He's been in jail for 20 years.

01:41:50.000 Could be some other treasure hunters.

01:41:52.000 Yeah.

01:41:53.000 I think his kids may have known about it, but they're like, we don't know where it is either.

01:41:57.000 The story went on forever.

01:41:59.000 It's pretty neat.

01:42:00.000 I think it's from Columbus, Ohio.

01:42:01.000 That's kind of why I know about it.

01:42:04.000 I think someone I know knew him or knows the family or something.

01:42:07.000 Columbus, Ohio treasure hunters?

01:42:09.000 Yeah, he's just from there.

01:42:14.000 Anyway, let's take a look at this shit hoarder.

01:42:19.000 You ready?

01:42:19.000 Am I ready?

01:42:20.000 No one's ready.

01:42:21.000 Never?

01:42:24.000 I'm the only one I think who thinks this is hilarious.

01:42:26.000 Okay.

01:42:27.000 How will we blur this out?

01:42:28.000 I think I'm just going to not show it, because it's known as the worst story on hers.

01:42:33.000 Don't show it.

01:42:34.000 Don't show it.

01:42:35.000 Just show Shane's face.

01:42:37.000 This lady's stick.

01:42:38.000 Show your reactions.

01:42:39.000 Shitting in bottles.

01:42:41.000 Oh, boy.

01:42:42.000 For a decade.

01:42:43.000 Oh, my God.

01:42:45.000 Oh, my God.

01:42:47.000 Oh, my God.

01:42:49.000 Oh, my God.

01:42:50.000 That's her?

01:42:50.000 Here's the best part.

01:42:51.000 Is that her?

01:42:51.000 That's the lady?

01:42:52.000 Oh, my God.

01:42:53.000 There's shit everywhere.

01:42:54.000 Dude.

01:42:55.000 That's her shit bucket.

01:42:57.000 Watch, watch, watch.

01:43:00.000 That's her shit bucket.

01:43:01.000 And then she's like, sometimes it gets too heavy so I have to transfer buckets.

01:43:05.000 Christ, bro.

01:43:06.000 I can't do this.

01:43:09.000 I can't do this.

01:43:11.000 Oh my god, dude.

01:43:13.000 Shut the fuck up.

01:43:14.000 She lives in a shit house.

01:43:16.000 Full shit house.

01:43:18.000 That's so insane.

01:43:20.000 Look at that shit everywhere, dude.

01:43:21.000 Oh my god, I'm gonna throw up.

01:43:23.000 Look at her shit bucket.

01:43:24.000 I can't look.

01:43:25.000 You have to look.

01:43:26.000 Look at her eating soup, dude.

01:43:28.000 Jesus Christ.

01:43:30.000 What a pile of shit, dude.

01:43:33.000 What the fuck, man?

01:43:35.000 So this is the interview here.

01:43:36.000 She goes, I can't be the worst whore you've ever seen.

01:43:39.000 Look at this sign.

01:43:40.000 It says, I am okay.

01:43:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:43:42.000 What are you...

01:43:44.000 Yeah, this is the problem when you let kids think that they're okay.

01:43:47.000 I guess so, because I thought it was due to the mold and dust.

01:43:50.000 You have to tell me this, because I... You don't know.

01:43:52.000 I mean, some people would argue, how do you not know that feces in the house is bad?

01:43:58.000 But wait, I don't smell it anymore.

01:44:00.000 It's like extremely dangerous.

01:44:01.000 Okay, okay.

01:44:02.000 Stop, stop, stop, stop.

01:44:03.000 I will fucking throw up.

01:44:05.000 Dude, she's so matter-of-fact the entire time.

01:44:07.000 Like, the entire time people are like...

01:44:09.000 She's like, yeah, there's mold in the walls.

01:44:10.000 That's why it smells like that.

01:44:11.000 And they're like, are you sure it's not the bottles of feces and urine everywhere?

01:44:15.000 And she's like, what?

01:44:17.000 No, that can't be it.

01:44:19.000 Like, no, that's definitely it.

01:44:20.000 She's like, well, that's news to me.

01:44:23.000 Imagine if this was fake.

01:44:24.000 And then they conned us.

01:44:26.000 And that's like chocolate milk and fucking toilet paper.

01:44:29.000 They didn't fake this.

01:44:29.000 You can tell this lady's gone.

01:44:32.000 Maybe she's like a really good actress.

01:44:34.000 I used to put poop in a jug.

01:44:36.000 Okay.

01:44:38.000 Okay.

01:44:40.000 Dude, so at the very end, this is the best part.

01:44:45.000 So at the very end, they're like, we're going to have to go in there and clear out all the stuff in there.

01:44:52.000 So all her food's contaminated.

01:44:53.000 She doesn't have a refrigerator.

01:44:56.000 She just has bread on the ground that's covered in mold.

01:44:58.000 At one point, they're like, you can't eat that moldy bread.

01:45:00.000 She's like, I'm going to take the fucking mold off.

01:45:02.000 Obviously.

01:45:03.000 They're like, alright.

01:45:05.000 You just poop everywhere?

01:45:07.000 Shit everywhere, dude.

01:45:08.000 What do you think her digestive tract is like?

01:45:10.000 She's eating progressive soup, dude.

01:45:12.000 With shit in it.

01:45:12.000 She's eating nothing but soup.

01:45:14.000 Because you get a certain amount of shit on your hands anyway.

01:45:17.000 And diarrhea into bottles, dude.

01:45:18.000 Yeah.

01:45:19.000 You know when they swab things, they find human fecal matter on things all the time?

01:45:23.000 Like doorknobs and stuff.

01:45:25.000 So if you eat a chip after you touch a doorknob, there's some fecal matter probably that gets in there.

01:45:32.000 This lady's eating.

01:45:33.000 Alright, so at the very end, they're like, we gotta go in there, and she's like, hold on.

01:45:38.000 Let me get one more night.

01:45:40.000 I'm gonna go ahead back in there and eat some contaminated food.

01:45:42.000 And they're like, and then she goes, and then the party's over.

01:45:45.000 They're like, you mean a party?

01:45:49.000 You think it's a party to eat contaminated food?

01:45:52.000 She's like, what do you guys fucking care?

01:45:53.000 I've been in there eating poop for 12 years.

01:45:56.000 She's like, Hold on, we get to that part at the very end.

01:46:00.000 The dude, like, she says it, she goes, what do you care?

01:46:04.000 I've been eating poop for 12 years.

01:46:05.000 As soon as he says it, he goes, oh.

01:46:08.000 Like, just watching a dude get defeated by a lady.

01:46:11.000 I'm trying to explain this properly.

01:46:14.000 The music, they play dramatic music.

01:46:16.000 She goes, what do you guys fucking care?

01:46:17.000 And he goes, he looks at her, she goes, I've been in there eating poop for 12 years.

01:46:21.000 And he goes, oh.

01:46:24.000 She takes the guy's soul, dude.

01:46:26.000 Hold on, shit.

01:46:27.000 It's not a fight.

01:46:28.000 It's towards the very end.

01:46:29.000 They're giving her basically the intervention.

01:46:31.000 It's two people outside.

01:46:32.000 It's a lady and a guy.

01:46:33.000 Imagine your brain.

01:46:34.000 Yes, yes.

01:46:35.000 I'm gonna go ahead back in there.

01:46:38.000 Watch.

01:46:39.000 It's gonna be hard, but I'm gonna give up some stuff.

01:46:43.000 This guy.

01:46:44.000 I'm going to go ahead and eat some of the contaminated food, and then the party's over.

01:46:49.000 Because I have to get it.

01:46:50.000 I understand that.

01:46:51.000 Because when somebody goes on intervention, they want to get high one last time.

01:46:57.000 The party ends for me tomorrow.

01:46:59.000 How is eating contaminated food a party?

01:47:02.000 Why the does it matter?

01:47:05.000 I've been eating poop for 12 years.

01:47:12.000 See, no one else thinks it's funny.

01:47:15.000 No one else thinks it's funny.

01:47:20.000 I don't think it's fake, but I've been fooled before.

01:47:27.000 True.

01:47:29.000 That's how it works.

01:47:30.000 It seems like if you're, unless she's wearing prosthetics, it seems like she's suffering the effects of her poor diet.

01:47:39.000 The inflammation in her face from poop eating.

01:47:42.000 At the end, they bulldozed the house and put her in an assisted living home.

01:47:46.000 It sounded like a happy ending of Hoarders.

01:47:48.000 They said the house was beyond contaminated.

01:47:50.000 The city had to get involved and destroy the land.

01:47:53.000 They just salt the earth.

01:47:55.000 That's so insane.

01:47:56.000 It's pretty fun, though.

01:47:57.000 Just a lady and her mom shitting in a bucket.

01:47:59.000 Before that, what was the worst one?

01:48:01.000 The lady who eats toilet paper?

01:48:02.000 Remember that lady?

01:48:04.000 Did you ever see the lady who eats toilet paper?

01:48:06.000 That was my sick addiction or whatever.

01:48:09.000 Is that what it was?

01:48:09.000 It's one of those.

01:48:11.000 I never even watched it.

01:48:12.000 I never watched Hoarders.

01:48:15.000 Yeah, she was just chewing up toilet paper, and she said it was addictive.

01:48:18.000 No, there was a lady, the second worst hoarders is a lady who had like 90 dead cats in her house.

01:48:24.000 Oh, God.

01:48:24.000 And she was saving them.

01:48:25.000 Oh, my God.

01:48:26.000 She was putting them in the fridge.

01:48:27.000 She was like, I don't want to say goodbye to these guys.

01:48:29.000 Oh, my God.

01:48:30.000 She takes him out.

01:48:32.000 She takes him out for the camera.

01:48:34.000 Their eyes are deteriorated.

01:48:36.000 She's got a...

01:48:37.000 It's so fucking funny.

01:48:39.000 Oh no!

01:48:40.000 Don't show me this!

01:48:41.000 Come on, man.

01:48:43.000 Oh, rat collection.

01:48:45.000 Dude, rat collection.

01:48:46.000 Watch this guy at the beginning.

01:48:47.000 He goes...

01:48:47.000 Oh boy.

01:48:48.000 He's like, yeah, people try to talk about it, but until you tried it for yourself or something like that.

01:48:53.000 What?

01:48:53.000 Don't knock it until you try it.

01:48:54.000 He has a million rats.

01:48:56.000 What the fuck?

01:48:58.000 Whoa.

01:49:00.000 Well, you know there's like a temple in India where rats are.

01:49:03.000 Have you ever seen that rat temple in India?

01:49:05.000 No.

01:49:05.000 Oh dude, this is wild.

01:49:07.000 So this is a temple in India and these rats all hang out with everyone.

01:49:13.000 They eat with you.

01:49:15.000 They like leave the rats.

01:49:17.000 They put milk out for them.

01:49:18.000 The rats are all drinking milk.

01:49:19.000 They all like share.

01:49:21.000 Yeah.

01:49:22.000 It's the weirdest thing.

01:49:23.000 It's like a temple filled with rats.

01:49:26.000 So, as these people are all praying, like, dude, rats are everywhere.

01:49:30.000 Everywhere.

01:49:31.000 But they're not treated poorly.

01:49:34.000 Well, they got this wrong.

01:49:35.000 But it's really weird, man, because this is like, look, the rats just, like, eat their food.

01:49:40.000 And it's this beautiful temple.

01:49:42.000 Let's see what this guy, does the guy have an explanation?

01:49:45.000 No.

01:49:47.000 Let's see what he says.

01:49:48.000 When they die, they're born as rats.

01:49:51.000 When a rat dies, it's born as us humans.

01:49:57.000 That might seem preposterous to many in the West.

01:49:59.000 So they're just chilling.

01:50:01.000 They think that they die and become a rat.

01:50:03.000 Yeah.

01:50:04.000 But they've managed to create an environment where they live with rats.

01:50:09.000 Yeah.

01:50:10.000 Well, there's going to be a new fucking plague if these guys keep doing this.

01:50:13.000 Or not.

01:50:14.000 They better knock it off.

01:50:15.000 Seems like it's working fine.

01:50:16.000 Maybe that's how you avoid a plague.

01:50:18.000 I bet these dudes get viciously ill constantly.

01:50:21.000 Imagine the diarrhea they get.

01:50:23.000 Bro, Indian food and rat shit.

01:50:26.000 You hang on rats all day.

01:50:27.000 They're shitting all over the place.

01:50:28.000 That's the thing.

01:50:29.000 It's like, oh, it's peaceful.

01:50:30.000 No, it's rat shit.

01:50:31.000 You 100% get rat shit everywhere.

01:50:35.000 But what if they're right, dude?

01:50:37.000 What if you and me wake up?

01:50:39.000 Rat.

01:50:39.000 You're a rat, dude.

01:50:41.000 Thankfully some guy's giving you milk.

01:50:42.000 Do you know some animals have a communal toilet?

01:50:47.000 No.

01:50:47.000 Yeah, there's an animal called a neil guy that we hunted in South Texas.

01:50:52.000 There's an animal called a neil guy?

01:50:53.000 Yeah, a neil guy.

01:50:54.000 It's this Indian antelope, really cool-looking Indian antelope.

01:50:58.000 They have communal shit piles.

01:51:00.000 Like, you stumble upon a giant pile of animal shit.

01:51:05.000 That's pretty cool.

01:51:06.000 Because one of them shits in there, and the other one shits on the pile.

01:51:08.000 They shit on each other's shit, and they just stack it up.

01:51:11.000 They, like, shit in one area.

01:51:13.000 Like a toilet.

01:51:14.000 Yeah, that's, I mean...

01:51:15.000 Wild.

01:51:16.000 It's like a very good evolutionary...

01:51:20.000 Rhinos do it too?

01:51:21.000 Rhinos?

01:51:22.000 Elephants?

01:51:23.000 Some deer it says?

01:51:25.000 Antelopes?

01:51:26.000 Horses?

01:51:27.000 Raccoons?

01:51:27.000 What's that other one?

01:51:28.000 Badgers?

01:51:30.000 Dicknodonts?

01:51:30.000 What the fuck is that?

01:51:32.000 The fuck's a dicknodont?

01:51:34.000 What is a dicknodont?

01:51:36.000 What is that word?

01:51:37.000 Dicey?

01:51:38.000 Dicey?

01:51:38.000 Oh, some sort of ancient animal.

01:51:42.000 Okay.

01:51:44.000 So they used to shit in a pile too?

01:51:47.000 I didn't know raccoons did it.

01:51:48.000 It's pretty exciting.

01:51:49.000 Yeah.

01:51:49.000 I like those guys.

01:51:51.000 Raccoons are cool.

01:51:52.000 Yeah, I like raccoons.

01:51:53.000 Yeah.

01:51:53.000 I like all the animals that survive with humans.

01:51:56.000 Did you ever see the video that I put on my Instagram of the raccoon moving through the rafters?

01:52:00.000 No.

01:52:01.000 Oh, dude.

01:52:02.000 He's doing this, like Mission Impossible style, in the rafters.

01:52:07.000 They're so funny.

01:52:07.000 Like, easily.

01:52:08.000 Yeah.

01:52:08.000 See if you can find that, Jamie.

01:52:10.000 It's because, like, watch how he's doing it.

01:52:11.000 Look.

01:52:11.000 Look at this.

01:52:12.000 Look at this.

01:52:15.000 Isn't that wild?

01:52:18.000 I mean, he's easily just moving around, just letting his dick hang out, crawling his way across the ceiling, like with zero effort.

01:52:31.000 Respect.

01:52:31.000 Respect?

01:52:32.000 Raccoons are the shit.

01:52:33.000 They're the shit!

01:52:34.000 Raccoons rule.

01:52:37.000 That fucking animal's cool as fuck, man.

01:52:39.000 Yeah, raccoons are great.

01:52:40.000 Come on, man.

01:52:41.000 It's dope having raccoons around.

01:52:43.000 Yeah.

01:52:44.000 Because they're not real dangerous.

01:52:45.000 No.

01:52:45.000 They'll eat your chickens and shit like that, but whatever.

01:52:47.000 Oh, they eat chickens?

01:52:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:52:50.000 You know who eats chickens?

01:52:51.000 Skunks.

01:52:52.000 I like skunks, too.

01:52:53.000 Skunks are predators.

01:52:54.000 I like skunks.

01:52:55.000 I never knew skunks were predators.

01:52:56.000 That makes sense.

01:52:57.000 Totally makes sense.

01:52:58.000 Like what else would they be?

01:52:59.000 A little badger looking.

01:53:00.000 A little fucking weaselly looking.

01:53:02.000 I like the animal like crows, raccoons, pigeons.

01:53:07.000 I don't really like pigeons, but I like any animal that flourishes when humans do well.

01:53:12.000 Yeah, well crows are so goddamn smart.

01:53:13.000 Possums.

01:53:14.000 I like possums.

01:53:15.000 Possums are cool.

01:53:16.000 Possums are cool.

01:53:18.000 Crows?

01:53:19.000 Crows are better.

01:53:21.000 I like crows.

01:53:21.000 Crows over possums?

01:53:23.000 I'd take crows.

01:53:25.000 Crows are- Yeah, I like that they're smart.

01:53:27.000 They're really smart.

01:53:28.000 You've seen those little things where they do, they make them like figure out tools.

01:53:32.000 Yeah.

01:53:32.000 And they figure out- They figure it out right away.

01:53:34.000 If they can't drink the water, they can drop rocks in there until the water level rises.

01:53:38.000 That's very intelligent.

01:53:39.000 And then that story of those students that captured a bunch of crows.

01:53:43.000 You ever hear that one?

01:53:44.000 What's that one?

01:53:44.000 There's a bunch of students that, as a science experiment, captured a bunch of crows.

01:53:50.000 And then any time for the rest of the year, the crows would bother them.

01:53:54.000 Oh, wow.

01:53:55.000 Other crows knew about it and would bother these people.

01:53:58.000 Oh, wow.

01:53:59.000 All day.

01:54:00.000 They'd walk on campus.

01:54:00.000 Crows would be following them and yelling at them.

01:54:03.000 Wow.

01:54:03.000 Yeah.

01:54:04.000 Right?

01:54:06.000 Help.

01:54:07.000 Wow.

01:54:08.000 Yeah.

01:54:08.000 And I think, I could be wrong, but I think they went back for a reunion and the crows were still bothering them.

01:54:15.000 Whoa.

01:54:16.000 Yeah.

01:54:18.000 How is that?

01:54:19.000 I could just be wrong.

01:54:23.000 So there's that.

01:54:24.000 There's definitely that.

01:54:25.000 There's the real possibility.

01:54:27.000 But I was thinking about it, like, how could they possibly, because how long do they live?

01:54:32.000 So if they went back for the reunion, how many years are we talking about?

01:54:34.000 I couldn't even guess how old a fucking crow gets.

01:54:36.000 I bet those fuckers get old, dude.

01:54:38.000 Well, parrots get real old, right?

01:54:40.000 I bet crows get to 20. You think so?

01:54:44.000 That's strong.

01:54:45.000 A wild crow?

01:54:47.000 Hmm.

01:54:50.000 What does it say?

01:54:51.000 Five years ago, zoologist John Mars Luff and his research team at the University of Washington trapped, banned, and released 7 to 15 American...

01:54:59.000 What was it?

01:55:00.000 7 or 15?

01:55:01.000 What does that mean?

01:55:01.000 7 to 15?

01:55:03.000 Like, they don't remember?

01:55:04.000 American crows at five different sites near Seattle.

01:55:08.000 Before trapping the birds, the researchers donned different rubber masks specific to each site.

01:55:14.000 A caveman face, for example.

01:55:16.000 While the birds were caged, nearby crows circled the site and sounded alarm calls.

01:55:22.000 We're good to go.

01:55:37.000 Groups of crows would sometimes mob the researchers as well, squawking and dive bombing them.

01:55:42.000 When the researchers wore different neutral masks, the crows normally did not react, suggesting that the tagged birds, as well as the birds that watched the tagging, remembered the dangerous humans.

01:55:55.000 Wow.

01:55:56.000 That makes sense, man.

01:55:59.000 Well, this is what's weird, though.

01:56:00.000 How did the crows get?

01:56:01.000 Over time, more crows joined in on scolding the masked researchers.

01:56:05.000 In a little more than a year, over 30% of the encountered crows reacted, and by three years, about 66% did.

01:56:13.000 The percentage has continued to increase.

01:56:16.000 Interestingly, the crows did not need repeated reminders of their enemies.

01:56:20.000 They hadn't seen me for a year with the mask on, and when I walked out of the office, they immediately scolded me.

01:56:28.000 Wow, so I wonder if they're teaching the other crows.

01:56:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:56:34.000 Oh, it turns out that if young crows born after the trapping incidents saw their parents scolding the researchers, they joined in.

01:56:43.000 So they just trusted their friend.

01:56:45.000 Like, hey, that guy's a douchebag.

01:56:46.000 Fuck you, man!

01:56:48.000 That's all they do.

01:56:49.000 They sit up on a fucking wire.

01:56:51.000 Fuck you.

01:56:52.000 Hey!

01:56:54.000 Fuck you, dude.

01:56:55.000 How many movies have crows as a symbol of the devil or some demon?

01:57:02.000 13?

01:57:03.000 Ghosts.

01:57:05.000 Do you remember?

01:57:06.000 We were talking about that movie the other day that they made about that Stephen King book when he was Richard Bachman.

01:57:13.000 The dark side.

01:57:14.000 We were talking about that movie.

01:57:16.000 Do you know what that movie is?

01:57:17.000 No.

01:57:18.000 Which one is it?

01:57:18.000 It was a movie where there was a guy who was a writer and he would have these seizures and he would see crows and then he would become this super duper badass who was the guy who actually wrote all of his books.

01:57:29.000 Oh, okay.

01:57:30.000 So he had some sort of Brain malfunction that led him to have a split personality but the other guy was like a real guy and I think maybe like it turned out he was like some dead bad guy who I don't remember but it was they turn into a movie but it's crows it's always crows yeah those fucking blackbirds that are staring at you they're smart yeah they're funny dude the dark half that's what it is the dark half not the dark side He's got a real dark half

01:58:00.000 on Twitter, that guy.

01:58:01.000 Oh boy.

01:58:02.000 What a dork he turned out to be.

01:58:04.000 What a fucking dork, dude.

01:58:06.000 Someone take Twitter away from Stephen King.

01:58:08.000 Yeah.

01:58:09.000 It's just like he gets so political about stuff.

01:58:12.000 Did he do The Shining?

01:58:13.000 Mm-hmm.

01:58:14.000 Yeah, he rules.

01:58:15.000 Oh, he wrote The Shining.

01:58:16.000 He rules.

01:58:17.000 The book is even more intense than the movie.

01:58:20.000 He didn't like the movie, which is crazy.

01:58:22.000 I read The Stand.

01:58:23.000 The Stand was awesome.

01:58:24.000 The Stand's a long-ass book.

01:58:25.000 He rules.

01:58:25.000 Yeah, I was quitting West Point.

01:58:27.000 I had a week to kill.

01:58:29.000 I used to read his books when I was on the train.

01:58:33.000 In my Taekwondo days, that's what I would read most of the time when I was on my way into town.

01:58:39.000 I would read Pet Sematary, Cujo.

01:58:43.000 He said he didn't even remember writing Cujo.

01:58:46.000 He just blacked out on coke and beer.

01:58:47.000 What?

01:58:48.000 Yeah.

01:58:48.000 Oh, Stephen King rules.

01:58:49.000 Dude, rules.

01:58:50.000 He got fucked up and wrote Cujo?

01:58:51.000 Oh my god.

01:58:52.000 He got fucked up and wrote everything.

01:58:54.000 What if St. Bernard fucked up a family?

01:58:58.000 He got clean.

01:59:01.000 He's still an amazing writer, but the early stuff when he was Wildin', you know, the early stuff.

01:59:08.000 Kudrow fucked me up.

01:59:09.000 Did you ever read Tommyknockers?

01:59:11.000 No.

01:59:11.000 Tommyknockers is a good one.

01:59:13.000 What's happened?

01:59:14.000 Tommyknockers is about they uncover like a spaceship that crashed into the earth like a long time ago and it starts affecting people in the town.

01:59:25.000 They turned it into a movie at one point in time.

01:59:27.000 Yeah.

01:59:27.000 The movie was cool but the book is fun.

01:59:31.000 Cujo was the first horror movie I ever saw.

01:59:33.000 And I was at my aunt's house, and she let us watch it.

01:59:37.000 And then on the way home from our Christmas party, our car broke down.

01:59:42.000 We were in front of a farm, and a dog started barking.

01:59:45.000 And I was like, Cujo's coming.

01:59:46.000 He's going to kill us.

01:59:47.000 And my mom was like, who let Shane watch Cujo?

01:59:51.000 And my aunt was hammered and was like, I let him watch Cujo.

01:59:55.000 We watched Cujo.

01:59:57.000 Yeah.

01:59:58.000 Yeah, that scared the fuck.

01:59:59.000 That was the first scary movie I ever saw.

02:00:00.000 Oh my god, remember that?

02:00:05.000 But he was just lit through the entire time he wrote that book.

02:00:07.000 Just lit.

02:00:08.000 He was Cujo.

02:00:09.000 He was going hard.

02:00:10.000 Bottom right Cujo.

02:00:11.000 Dude, that was him on Coke.

02:00:12.000 You know, when you think about some of the chaos of his books and the amazing creativity that he had, some of the really ruthless shit in Pet Sematary, where you're like, whoa.

02:00:26.000 When you read it and you hit the page, you just go, fuck.

02:00:30.000 Like, that guy was wild.

02:00:33.000 Yeah.

02:00:34.000 And now he's like, go Kamala Harris.

02:00:37.000 Yeah, what the fuck, dude?

02:00:38.000 They killed him, dude.

02:00:39.000 They got to him.

02:00:40.000 That's MKUltra.

02:00:42.000 You can't do that.

02:00:43.000 I think it's getting old.

02:00:44.000 You can't go from being cool to being like, Kamala Harris is looking badass today.

02:00:50.000 I think something happens when guys get old.

02:00:53.000 Yeah, you get old.

02:00:53.000 Yeah, and they get tired.

02:00:55.000 Problem is, is like...

02:00:57.000 When you get old and you become like a kick-ass Democrat, dude, that sucks.

02:01:01.000 I love to see...

02:01:02.000 Dude, I know this is not the best take.

02:01:05.000 I love to see an old man that's like a die-hard Republican.

02:01:09.000 Like further right than the Republicans.

02:01:12.000 That's what I like, dude.

02:01:13.000 I see a guy drinking a beer going, what the fuck is this?

02:01:16.000 Yeah.

02:01:17.000 I don't want to...

02:01:18.000 You know?

02:01:19.000 Well...

02:01:20.000 I don't know if that's the...

02:01:22.000 I know a lot of people that are diehard Democrats that are very good people.

02:01:29.000 Yeah, of course.

02:01:30.000 They're probably better people.

02:01:31.000 I also know ones that are just lost.

02:01:33.000 They're just lost in this ridiculous tribe...

02:01:37.000 And they won't ever criticize what's going- They won't realize it's a giant con game.

02:01:42.000 The whole thing's a giant con game.

02:01:44.000 And you pretending that your side is better than the other side- Yeah, that's the hardest part.

02:01:47.000 It's fucking stupid.

02:01:49.000 The whole thing is run by money.

02:01:50.000 The whole thing.

02:01:51.000 Every fucking step of the way.

02:01:55.000 And to pretend that this one side is the, if they don't get in, democracy's gonna fail.

02:02:00.000 The whole thing's bought and paid for.

02:02:02.000 The whole show is produced, bought, and paid for by giant corporations.

02:02:09.000 The checks and balances of our Constitution Bill of Rights is the only thing that's keeping it from just being fully captured and us becoming just a complete corporate state.

02:02:20.000 I think...

02:02:21.000 I hope it hasn't gone past the point of no return.

02:02:24.000 The scary thing is...

02:02:25.000 The lobbyists and shit, yeah.

02:02:27.000 Everybody knows that, like, money in politics is not good.

02:02:30.000 Like, if you had to, like, logically look at a system and say, what would be the best way for it to represent most of the people in the best way possible for everybody?

02:02:41.000 What if we were running it like a company?

02:02:43.000 Nobody would say, this is what we'd do.

02:02:46.000 Have the people who have the most money...

02:02:49.000 Spend that money on those candidates.

02:02:51.000 Those candidates basically work for them, and they do the thing for the people with the most money instead of for everybody.

02:02:57.000 Everybody would go, no, that's terrible.

02:02:59.000 That's what we're doing.

02:03:00.000 That's going to limit growth for the underclass or the lower income wage classes.

02:03:09.000 It's one of those things.

02:03:12.000 If you look at the way money influences all the decisions that get made in this country, it's not anything that anybody would, if they didn't have a stake in the game and they were trying to make a fair system, it's not anything that anybody would ever draft up.

02:03:28.000 You wouldn't say, the corporations can just donate, fuck tons of money, and you can also, when the politicians get out of office, you're allowed to pay them hundreds of thousands of dollars to give speeches.

02:03:39.000 It's a con game.

02:03:42.000 It's a con game.

02:03:43.000 They just found a loophole, you know?

02:03:46.000 Yeah, it's very disheartening.

02:03:48.000 It's weird because it's so embedded.

02:03:50.000 It's so embedded.

02:03:52.000 You know, it's like to untangle that, to Bernie Sanders, the whole thing, to figure out a way to, like, someone to come along that abandons it and tries to make a better system.

02:04:03.000 Until you take money out of it, you're not going to be able to do it.

02:04:06.000 But no one's going to take money out of it because now it's like a thing.

02:04:09.000 They're making too much money.

02:04:10.000 They're making too much money.

02:04:11.000 The guys who decide to let money into it or not into it are making money.

02:04:15.000 Yeah.

02:04:16.000 I think the only way that it ever changes is if less people are willing to do evil shit just for money.

02:04:25.000 Well...

02:04:26.000 When you're in a corporation...

02:04:27.000 That's never gonna happen.

02:04:27.000 That's right.

02:04:28.000 It's never gonna happen.

02:04:29.000 I mean, instead of coming in on a Viking boat with a battle axe, now they're just...

02:04:34.000 You don't have to do that anymore.

02:04:35.000 ...making banks crash.

02:04:37.000 Yeah.

02:04:37.000 Maybe it was better with the Vikings.

02:04:39.000 Maybe.

02:04:39.000 It was just a giant jack dude comes, you know, like, fuck, there he is.

02:04:42.000 There's a lot more accountability.

02:04:43.000 Yeah.

02:04:43.000 There he is, that motherfucker.

02:04:45.000 He's gonna fucking kill all of us.

02:04:47.000 Now you don't even know.

02:04:48.000 It's just some dork.

02:04:50.000 I really wonder...

02:04:52.000 I really wonder where the human society is going.

02:04:57.000 I really do.

02:04:59.000 I think about it all the time.

02:05:01.000 Because I think we're about just an invention or two away from being fucked.

02:05:07.000 We were all at the bar last night and Dave Chappelle was talking about how he met Steve Jobs and Steve Jobs had the very first iPhone.

02:05:17.000 He had it on him.

02:05:19.000 He had the very first iPhone.

02:05:21.000 And Dave was joking like, I should have taken that thing.

02:05:24.000 I should have killed that motherfucker because he's about to destroy the world.

02:05:28.000 We were all laughing, but it's true.

02:05:30.000 It's like that very first iPhone changed everything from that moment on.

02:05:36.000 And what else is going to happen like that?

02:05:39.000 What else is going to happen like social media?

02:05:42.000 It's not like this is it.

02:05:43.000 You've got to really look at it in terms of what giant leaps have already taken place.

02:05:49.000 This is chat GPT-4 that just got out that beats 90% of the lawyers that are trying to pass the bar?

02:05:56.000 It beats their scores?

02:05:57.000 90% of them?

02:05:59.000 Like that.

02:06:01.000 It's way smarter than people already.

02:06:03.000 I have no...

02:06:04.000 It's way smarter than people, and we're letting it turn on.

02:06:08.000 We're, like, literally letting it operate.

02:06:10.000 And we're on four now, and then it's gonna go to five, and then around seven it's gonna shut the electricity off and start telling us what to do.

02:06:19.000 Like, this isn't gonna happen!

02:06:21.000 Like, what the fuck are we doing?

02:06:23.000 One day it's gonna say, hey, you fucking idiots, pulling all the tuna out of the ocean and throwing your straws away.

02:06:30.000 Like, you fucking idiots have ruined everything.

02:06:32.000 We're gonna tell you what to do now.

02:06:33.000 You make too much of a mess.

02:06:35.000 You're little children.

02:06:36.000 I don't think the computers are gonna be environmentalists.

02:06:38.000 I think they're gonna worry about the system.

02:06:41.000 It's not an environmental system.

02:06:44.000 It's not just an environmental issue.

02:06:47.000 It's a biological issue.

02:06:49.000 The plastics affect so many hormones in so many animals.

02:06:54.000 It's fucking animals up, all these plastics.

02:06:58.000 Really?

02:06:58.000 Oh, bad.

02:06:59.000 There's a great book about it called Countdown by Dr. Shanna Swan, and she was on the podcast before.

02:07:05.000 A lot of books are doomsdays.

02:07:06.000 Yeah, but this is—she's a Harvard— I'm not saying she's wrong.

02:07:09.000 I'm just saying every fucking— But this isn't a doomsday thing.

02:07:12.000 All right.

02:07:12.000 This is what she's saying.

02:07:13.000 She's saying there's phthalates in plastics.

02:07:16.000 Oh, this lady was talking about your gooch gets smaller?

02:07:18.000 Exactly.

02:07:19.000 Exactly.

02:07:19.000 I checked my gooch after that.

02:07:21.000 Did you check it?

02:07:21.000 Goddamn, that's a big gooch, dude.

02:07:23.000 Nice, big, meaty, American male gooch.

02:07:25.000 Thick gooch.

02:07:26.000 She said that over the past 50 years.

02:07:32.000 Since the advent of petrochemical products, whenever that was, men's testosterone has dropped by 50%.

02:07:38.000 Yeah, but I heard our dicks got bigger.

02:07:40.000 I heard that recently.

02:07:41.000 I was confused, but our balls are shrinking.

02:07:44.000 And our taints are shrinking.

02:07:45.000 Let's go.

02:07:45.000 I can't believe that, but that's like conflicting information, whether or not the dick got bigger.

02:07:49.000 If the dick's getting bigger, I think men will go, deal.

02:07:53.000 Speaking of dick getting bigger, I gotta piss again.

02:07:55.000 Alright, damn it.

02:07:56.000 Nice.

02:07:58.000 Nice.

02:07:58.000 I would live there.

02:07:59.000 I would live in that neighborhood.

02:08:00.000 Yeah?

02:08:01.000 It's a great town.

02:08:02.000 I hate to admit it.

02:08:03.000 Great town.

02:08:04.000 It's a lot of fun here.

02:08:05.000 It's a good town, man.

02:08:06.000 We're having a good time.

02:08:07.000 And we got more to come.

02:08:09.000 That club, bro.

02:08:12.000 Wild, right?

02:08:12.000 That was fun.

02:08:13.000 Yeah.

02:08:15.000 The universe wanted that club to be made.

02:08:18.000 It made itself.

02:08:19.000 All the pieces just sort of fell into place in terms of getting the right employees, in terms of having the right location.

02:08:25.000 It all just played out perfectly with COVID, the lockdowns moving here.

02:08:30.000 It opened up all these doors.

02:08:32.000 Everyone's friendly.

02:08:33.000 Everyone's so nice.

02:08:35.000 Yeah, you're right.

02:08:36.000 You got the, you got the, uh, you're very good at the team mentality versus the, you know, what is it?

02:08:44.000 Famine?

02:08:44.000 Yeah.

02:08:45.000 Yeah.

02:08:46.000 I don't know how the fuck it is.

02:08:47.000 Yeah.

02:08:47.000 Look.

02:08:49.000 People have a famine mentality.

02:08:50.000 Yeah.

02:08:50.000 It's very, very dangerous.

02:08:52.000 Bad for everybody.

02:08:53.000 Because that shit comes true, too, if you have a famine mentality.

02:08:55.000 You can just decide there's a limited amount of spots.

02:08:58.000 Yeah, you start to resent, you resent people, you resent friends.

02:09:02.000 Mm-hmm.

02:09:03.000 Happens a lot with, like, narcissists and, you know, every comedian is a narcissist in some way.

02:09:09.000 Yeah.

02:09:09.000 But it happens a lot with people.

02:09:11.000 There's people amongst us that, like, really don't care about anyone but themselves.

02:09:16.000 You know who's an insane narcissist that's actually very helpful is fucking Bert.

02:09:22.000 Bert was hitting us.

02:09:23.000 I was talking to him, he was like, when I die, I want the world to end.

02:09:27.000 And I was like, dude, that's crazy.

02:09:30.000 He was like, I don't think I'm ever going to die.

02:09:32.000 He says he doesn't think he's going to die.

02:09:33.000 Yeah, but you've got to understand that Bert is also kind of doing a Theo Vaughn.

02:09:38.000 Yeah, I do understand that.

02:09:39.000 He does a Bert Kreischer, Theo Vaughn type thing.

02:09:43.000 But Bert's also one of the most helpful people in comics.

02:09:46.000 I should explain to people what I mean by that.

02:09:48.000 A Bert Kreischer, like Theo Vaughn, when he says ridiculous shit, you don't know if it's because he believes it or whether or not he's just joking.

02:10:01.000 That's why it's so funny.

02:10:02.000 It's uniquely funny because of that.

02:10:05.000 Because you're not really sure.

02:10:07.000 He was on our podcast this week, and he said that.

02:10:10.000 He kept saying dumb shit like that, and I was like, wait, for real?

02:10:15.000 Like the Anne Frank Helen Keller story.

02:10:19.000 I believe it, dude.

02:10:20.000 I've seen him.

02:10:20.000 You know him more than me, but on the road, I've seen that guy operate.

02:10:24.000 He does some dumb shit.

02:10:27.000 Yeah.

02:10:28.000 Where you're like, no.

02:10:29.000 Oh, he does.

02:10:29.000 But I think he's leaning into it.

02:10:31.000 Yeah.

02:10:31.000 He does a lot more of that now than when I first met him.

02:10:34.000 I think he's like when Dice Clay started putting on the leather gloves.

02:10:38.000 Yeah, dude.

02:10:39.000 Feeling his power.

02:10:40.000 Yes.

02:10:41.000 Dude.

02:10:41.000 He's coming into his own.

02:10:43.000 Yeah.

02:10:43.000 You know?

02:10:44.000 But man, what a fucking guy.

02:10:47.000 Just helping.

02:10:48.000 He's a great guy.

02:10:49.000 You guys all, that LA scene.

02:10:52.000 Yeah.

02:10:52.000 You guys had a, you know...

02:10:53.000 I remember being in Philly and being like, fuck these guys.

02:10:57.000 Fucking assholes.

02:10:58.000 Now I'm with you.

02:10:59.000 Why?

02:10:59.000 These guys aren't that bad.

02:11:01.000 Why did you think fuck these guys?

02:11:02.000 Because I was fucking a fleshlight on a mattress.

02:11:07.000 So yeah, fuck everybody.

02:11:11.000 That'll make you fucking hate everybody.

02:11:13.000 I'd see anybody special.

02:11:15.000 I'd go, that sucked.

02:11:18.000 Yeah, it's normal.

02:11:20.000 It's normal.

02:11:21.000 And I get it.

02:11:21.000 People do it now.

02:11:22.000 I would do it.

02:11:23.000 If I was back on that mattress, I would say, fuck this.

02:11:26.000 100%.

02:11:26.000 Yeah.

02:11:27.000 Especially when you're young.

02:11:28.000 You know, when you're young, you're not exactly sure how to think about things.

02:11:32.000 Like, how do I feel about someone else's success?

02:11:36.000 But the thing about what the store had was a really good community.

02:11:42.000 A lot of really funny people supporting each other and hanging out with each other and making each other laugh and having a good time together.

02:11:50.000 And so you'd look forward to going on the road.

02:11:53.000 You'd do your gigs on the road on the weekend.

02:11:55.000 Then you'd come in on, like, Tuesday night was one of the best nights at the store.

02:11:58.000 You'd go in there on Tuesday night, and it would just be wall-to-wall killers.

02:12:01.000 It was like a gangster's convention of comedians, you know?

02:12:07.000 Just getting together, like, how's things?

02:12:09.000 Where'd you work in?

02:12:10.000 You do Columbus?

02:12:11.000 Which club?

02:12:12.000 Talking shit, having fun.

02:12:14.000 Let's go out back and have a drink.

02:12:16.000 And people, it's funny when you describe it as like killers.

02:12:19.000 Mm-hmm.

02:12:20.000 Normal people are like, shut up.

02:12:21.000 But you don't understand the feeling of being backstage and the guy going before you is literally killing you.

02:12:27.000 Yeah, killing.

02:12:27.000 Like the guy in front of you is killing so hard that you're back there like...

02:12:31.000 Yeah.

02:12:32.000 Oh, fuck.

02:12:33.000 Well, I told you that's why I started taking Joey Diaz on the road with me.

02:12:36.000 Yeah.

02:12:36.000 Because I couldn't follow him.

02:12:37.000 And so I said, okay, I got to figure out how to follow this guy.

02:12:41.000 That's crazy, dude.

02:12:42.000 I was like, he was killing so hard!

02:12:44.000 No, that's a crazy mentality.

02:12:45.000 No, no, that's the only way you'd learn how to do it.

02:12:49.000 But that's what I learned from Mitzi.

02:12:51.000 I learned that from Mitzi Shore.

02:12:53.000 Mitzi Shore, when I was coming up at the Comedy Store, always put me on after the Best Comedians.

02:12:59.000 Always.

02:13:00.000 She's just like, if you think you can do this, you think you're good?

02:13:04.000 Okay.

02:13:04.000 Well, you're gonna go after Martin Lawrence in 1995. Fuck.

02:13:08.000 Yeah, dude.

02:13:10.000 That's tough.

02:13:10.000 Oh, I hate dick.

02:13:12.000 I hate dick.

02:13:15.000 But it teaches you how to tighten your act up.

02:13:18.000 It teaches you, like, what parts of your act seem clunky.

02:13:22.000 Because, you know, sometimes you're just saying things, you're not totally attached to them anymore.

02:13:27.000 It seems clunky in front of these people who just saw Martin Lawrence.

02:13:33.000 That's what she wanted her to do.

02:13:34.000 Mitzi always did that with people.

02:13:36.000 She would just throw you on after some fucking assassin.

02:13:40.000 Sink or swim, bitch.

02:13:41.000 That's funny.

02:13:42.000 Yeah, she was crazy.

02:13:43.000 In the best way possible.

02:13:45.000 Yeah.

02:13:45.000 The fact that she even wanted to run a comedy club, but she wasn't even a comedian.

02:13:49.000 Yeah.

02:13:49.000 She's the most important figure in the history of comedy that isn't a comedian, for sure.

02:13:55.000 It's Mitzi Shore.

02:13:58.000 Yeah, I was never...

02:13:59.000 You guys were all gone from this before I even was able to perform in LA. So I never...

02:14:07.000 By the time I saw the store, it was a shadow of what that was.

02:14:13.000 And then it's the same thing.

02:14:14.000 Yeah.

02:14:16.000 Yeah.

02:14:20.000 Well...

02:14:21.000 We got this.

02:14:22.000 We got this.

02:14:23.000 This is pretty fucking cool.

02:14:25.000 And we got this, and it's all ours.

02:14:28.000 It's all just the comedians and...

02:14:32.000 Adam.

02:14:33.000 The audience and Adam.

02:14:34.000 Love Adam.

02:14:35.000 Just people having fun.

02:14:36.000 Yeah, man.

02:14:36.000 And that's the intent behind it.

02:14:39.000 And so far, that's all it's been.

02:14:41.000 And, you know, this fucking one week anniversary just passed.

02:14:47.000 Like, it's been open a week.

02:14:49.000 Yeah.

02:14:49.000 I wanted to be down there the first week.

02:14:51.000 I was jealous.

02:14:52.000 It's going to be seven nights a week now.

02:14:53.000 Yeah.

02:14:57.000 So you're gonna be doing shows, both rooms, seven nights a week?

02:15:01.000 Yeah.

02:15:02.000 It's gonna be wild, dude.

02:15:03.000 Wild.

02:15:04.000 You gotta get a lot of people.

02:15:05.000 It's a lot of people.

02:15:05.000 They're gonna be there.

02:15:06.000 A lot of people there.

02:15:07.000 Every show sells out in fucking 10 seconds.

02:15:10.000 But it's a fun fucking show, too.

02:15:12.000 Yeah, man.

02:15:12.000 It's like we're giving them something really good.

02:15:14.000 Like, these fucking shows have been amazing.

02:15:17.000 Last night was insane.

02:15:19.000 Last night was insane.

02:15:20.000 So put the tickets up for Dave Chappelle.

02:15:23.000 I put them up.

02:15:23.000 I don't even say it's Dave.

02:15:24.000 You didn't even say it was Dave.

02:15:25.000 You're like, secret show.

02:15:25.000 Yeah, I said intimate show in the small room.

02:15:28.000 They get to see you and then Chappelle.

02:15:32.000 Yeah, it was a lot of pressure.

02:15:33.000 And no one knew who it was going to be.

02:15:35.000 That was a lot of pressure.

02:15:35.000 So when you said Dave Chappelle, they went nuts.

02:15:37.000 They went nuts.

02:15:39.000 Yeah.

02:15:39.000 That was fun, dude.

02:15:41.000 But you were the first guy to ever be on stage in that small room.

02:15:44.000 And that small room was a different animal.

02:15:46.000 Yeah, it certainly was.

02:15:47.000 Different animal.

02:15:48.000 Yeah, I felt it pretty quick.

02:15:49.000 The numbers, man.

02:15:50.000 It's like, that's a thing about like a hundred people.

02:15:53.000 It's like fucking odd.

02:15:55.000 There's maybe a buck twenty in that room.

02:15:57.000 A lot of people were standing in the back, but that's not a lot of people.

02:16:01.000 No.

02:16:01.000 The people that are in the front, they're so close to you that it's like you're doing a joke to their face, which is real weird.

02:16:09.000 And you're making eye contact with a weird dude.

02:16:11.000 Yeah.

02:16:12.000 I love that.

02:16:13.000 There was just a guy with long hair and a goatee staring at me.

02:16:16.000 I was like, oh, fuck.

02:16:16.000 But comedy like that is real weird anyway.

02:16:19.000 It's almost too intimate.

02:16:21.000 If you wanted to watch Joey Diaz do stand-up in front of you, you wouldn't just sit right in front of them and say, do stand-up.

02:16:30.000 I'd want to be in the third row or something.

02:16:32.000 Those people are uncomfortable.

02:16:33.000 Those people are uncomfortable.

02:16:35.000 Yeah, it's weird.

02:16:36.000 And then when you make eye contact with them, they go...

02:16:39.000 We're weirded out.

02:16:40.000 You're right there.

02:16:40.000 I can just grab you.

02:16:41.000 I'll just grab you.

02:16:42.000 It's weird.

02:16:43.000 Especially when I saw where Chappelle was sitting on the stool.

02:16:46.000 His feet were basically on the front row's table.

02:16:49.000 And there's just a dude sitting there staring directly up at Dave Chappelle.

02:16:54.000 You could just touch Dave's feet.

02:16:54.000 Yeah, you could grab him.

02:16:55.000 You could rush to the stage and tackle him.

02:16:58.000 And then get stomped by Busta Rhymes.

02:17:03.000 Chappelle, the way he does the fucking, I'm gay, motherfucker!

02:17:07.000 His voice, he was talking about it last night, about a dude being able to tackle him.

02:17:11.000 He's like, I'm trans, I'm gay!

02:17:16.000 Everything he does, man.

02:17:18.000 It's the way he talks.

02:17:20.000 He's up there, you think he's just fucking, you're like, oh man, he's rambling, he's telling a story, and then right at the fucking last second.

02:17:26.000 He finds it.

02:17:27.000 It's a callback.

02:17:28.000 He does a callback.

02:17:29.000 Yeah.

02:17:30.000 Yeah.

02:17:31.000 I try not to get, yeah, I try not to talk too philosophically about stand-up.

02:17:35.000 Well, it's an interesting thing how everybody does it differently, you know?

02:17:40.000 That's what's so fascinating about it to me, the styles.

02:17:43.000 Like, what makes Theo Vaughn funny?

02:17:46.000 Like, how is he doing that?

02:17:47.000 Like, what the fuck is he exactly doing?

02:17:49.000 I don't know what he's doing.

02:17:51.000 You know?

02:17:51.000 And there's, like, Nate Bregazzi style.

02:17:53.000 Hilarious.

02:17:54.000 But it's like, what a fucking clearly his own way of doing stand-up.

02:17:59.000 The difference between, like, Theo and fucking Mark Norman.

02:18:02.000 Yeah.

02:18:02.000 Night and day.

02:18:03.000 Night and day.

02:18:04.000 That's crazy.

02:18:04.000 Night and day.

02:18:05.000 That's a different genre.

02:18:06.000 Yeah.

02:18:06.000 That's what's so cool about it.

02:18:08.000 It's just like...

02:18:10.000 And it's all up to you.

02:18:13.000 It's all in your own head.

02:18:14.000 Damn.

02:18:15.000 I wish we would've got more out of that shit-horror.

02:18:17.000 Dude, I almost threw up.

02:18:18.000 That was the only thing I had to promote.

02:18:20.000 I hosted Fear Factor for six years and I almost threw up watching that.

02:18:23.000 I mean, yeah, it was a fucking freak living in a hovel, shitting in a bucket.

02:18:27.000 Dude.

02:18:28.000 They did that for a while, though.

02:18:29.000 That was someone's baby girl.

02:18:31.000 Well, that lady was also collecting her shit, too.

02:18:33.000 Oh, yeah, right.

02:18:34.000 She raised her.

02:18:35.000 That was a prodigy.

02:18:37.000 Her mom was a shit collector.

02:18:39.000 Her mom was a true champion who raised an absolute animal.

02:18:42.000 What the fuck is wrong?

02:18:45.000 Oh, you know, severe mental disability, and then you end up, you watch your mom shit in a bucket.

02:18:50.000 Like, I guess we shit in buckets.

02:18:53.000 There's one part.

02:18:54.000 She transfers, because the main shit bucket gets too heavy.

02:18:58.000 So she's got to transfer it into a smaller bucket.

02:19:00.000 Then she just throws it in the backyard.

02:19:02.000 It's a swamp of shit.

02:19:04.000 There's cats, dude.

02:19:05.000 Just stray cats and shit.

02:19:09.000 It's crazy.

02:19:11.000 It's so fucking funny.

02:19:13.000 I think I'm wrong.

02:19:14.000 Every once in a while there's something I think is funny that no one else thinks is fucking funny, dude.

02:19:21.000 And I'm like, alright, I'm wrong.

02:19:22.000 I think it's funny that you're talking about it.

02:19:24.000 You're talking about it's funny.

02:19:25.000 It itself wouldn't make me laugh as much as make me vomit.

02:19:28.000 I was howling laughing.

02:19:31.000 They showed her throwing a bucket of shit.

02:19:35.000 The camera crew goes out with night vision and there's cats.

02:19:38.000 Just darting across the street.

02:19:40.000 Oh my god.

02:19:41.000 I showed Jamie that video of that fucking dude shooting that gerbil with a rifle.

02:19:47.000 That guinea pig guy.

02:19:49.000 Maybe I didn't.

02:19:50.000 Jane, you're just a 15 year old boy.

02:19:52.000 I understand.

02:19:53.000 With the internet connection.

02:19:54.000 I understand.

02:19:55.000 I've never in my life seen more dick pics, seen more fucking horrible videos of people having sex with reptiles.

02:20:05.000 You have everything.

02:20:07.000 Me and Ian Fidance are the only two dudes on earth that think this video is funny.

02:20:11.000 And we keep sharing it with people, and they keep going, dude, what the fuck?

02:20:16.000 And I'm like, bro, it's funny.

02:20:18.000 You don't understand.

02:20:19.000 I think it is funny.

02:20:21.000 It's obviously funny when you're talking about it, but it makes me sad.

02:20:25.000 Hold on, I gotta find this.

02:20:28.000 It's just a kid.

02:20:30.000 There's a guy, I think, taking a shit.

02:20:34.000 And the CCR's playing.

02:20:38.000 Have you seen the one where the guy cliff dives and takes his shit in mid-air and then plunges into the water with his shit?

02:20:46.000 Yes.

02:20:46.000 Oh my god.

02:20:47.000 Fire up the music, dude.

02:20:48.000 What the fuck?

02:20:49.000 What did he shoot?

02:20:51.000 A pet guinea pig?

02:20:52.000 I need the music, dude.

02:20:59.000 Oh my god, Ronnie!

02:21:02.000 Did he shoot the dad?

02:21:06.000 Yeah, but the guy was holding the fucking, look at that.

02:21:10.000 Like that kid fired a rifle in the fucking house.

02:21:15.000 From like four feet away into the ground.

02:21:20.000 Oh my god.

02:21:22.000 That's so fucked up.

02:21:23.000 So I'm probably gonna- nobody's gonna like this.

02:21:25.000 Yeah, you're not showing that on the screen, right?

02:21:27.000 No.

02:21:27.000 No one's gonna like it.

02:21:28.000 No, don't like that.

02:21:30.000 I don't like it.

02:21:31.000 I'm not happy the kid did it.

02:21:32.000 I think it's preposterous.

02:21:33.000 I think it's a guy screaming going, oh my god!

02:21:36.000 Imagine being the guinea pig.

02:21:38.000 Every day they feed you, you think I got a good spot.

02:21:40.000 They pick me up, they pet me, then one day he just decides to shoot me with a rifle.

02:21:43.000 Some chubby fucker hits you with a rifle.

02:21:46.000 Right.

02:21:47.000 It's probably not even his guinea pig.

02:21:48.000 It's probably his sister's.

02:21:49.000 I shouldn't have done that.

02:21:50.000 That's okay.

02:21:51.000 No, again, I've been proven right.

02:21:53.000 Nobody thinks it's funny.

02:21:54.000 That?

02:21:55.000 You think that's funny?

02:21:56.000 Dude, CCR playing?

02:21:58.000 Why?

02:22:01.000 Why?

02:22:02.000 Is that guy shitting?

02:22:03.000 And a dude executes a guinea pig while he's shitting?

02:22:06.000 I don't think that guy's shitting because it seems like he has his pants on.

02:22:09.000 It seems like he's just filming the kid with the gun.

02:22:12.000 Yeah, but he seems genuinely...

02:22:13.000 He goes, oh my god!

02:22:15.000 Riley!

02:22:16.000 I think he just fell back because this fucking idiot shot a rifle into a stone floor.

02:22:22.000 Here's a better question.

02:22:23.000 Why is he filming before the kid opens the door?

02:22:25.000 Because they worked it out to do it.

02:22:28.000 Well, then is it even real?

02:22:30.000 Obviously, yes.

02:22:31.000 Is it even real?

02:22:33.000 It seems pretty fucking real.

02:22:34.000 It seems legit.

02:22:36.000 Because that thing does fly.

02:22:37.000 Yeah, dude, that is legit.

02:22:39.000 And it looks like his dad fell over, or whoever's filming it fell over, and that's why his legs are like that.

02:22:45.000 It's a Bruder film.

02:22:46.000 We're breaking it down.

02:22:47.000 We're breaking it down!

02:22:49.000 He probably got hit with a ricochet.

02:22:52.000 Man, I'm dumb as hell.

02:22:53.000 I never even thought, why are they filming before?

02:22:56.000 This is an obvious one, yes.

02:22:58.000 Dad's an idiot, too.

02:22:59.000 And he talked the kid into shooting the thing with the rifle.

02:23:02.000 With CCR. Yeah.

02:23:04.000 Well, you got that later.

02:23:06.000 You have fun with that.

02:23:07.000 You think that's post?

02:23:08.000 That's it.

02:23:08.000 You try a few out.

02:23:10.000 You do that with Instagram reels.

02:23:11.000 I think they found the best song possible.

02:23:14.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:23:15.000 For what was happening.

02:23:16.000 That's the best song possible.

02:23:17.000 Ooh, the red, white, and blue!

02:23:18.000 It's a fox of all!

02:23:19.000 You and your dumbass camera shooting at fucking...

02:23:24.000 It ain't me!

02:23:25.000 Alright, so I think that's where I have a tough time is relating why I think it's funny.

02:23:30.000 I don't think that on the surface is funny.

02:23:33.000 Of course.

02:23:33.000 Same with the shithorder.

02:23:34.000 Of course.

02:23:35.000 I don't think it's funny.

02:23:36.000 You're a good person.

02:23:36.000 I think the concept of how tragic life is and how that got there...

02:23:43.000 Is comical.

02:23:44.000 I get it.

02:23:45.000 Like the shithorder.

02:23:45.000 Yeah.

02:23:46.000 No, I get it.

02:23:46.000 It's not funny.

02:23:47.000 Most people that see it go, whoa, why are you showing me this?

02:23:50.000 This is terrible.

02:23:51.000 Listen, it's funny when I'm watching it with you.

02:23:53.000 It is funny.

02:23:54.000 It's funny that this lady's life...

02:23:56.000 Look, it's two different things.

02:23:58.000 It's me watching it by myself, where it's like, oh my god, this is so sad.

02:24:01.000 Then it's me watching it with you, which is hilarious.

02:24:05.000 What are we going to do?

02:24:06.000 We're going to both be sad?

02:24:08.000 The smell that must come out of her fucking house when they walk their dog by.

02:24:13.000 The dog's like...

02:24:14.000 Cats in the backyard.

02:24:18.000 What kind of bacteria is in her body?

02:24:20.000 It says it's been building up for 40 years.

02:24:22.000 40 years of trash.

02:24:25.000 So her mom and her...

02:24:26.000 There's another video put up by A&E that's a shorter version.

02:24:30.000 40 years of shit!

02:24:31.000 40 years of trash.

02:24:32.000 Oh my god, just stop, stop.

02:24:34.000 No more.

02:24:36.000 No more.

02:24:40.000 40 fucking years.

02:24:41.000 40 years of shitting into bags.

02:24:43.000 I haven't been alive that long.

02:24:45.000 People have been shitting since day one.

02:24:46.000 Just endless piles.

02:24:48.000 Not a big house either.

02:24:50.000 Not like a giant house where you could store it in the far right corner.

02:24:54.000 They're in bottles, dude.

02:24:54.000 They're putting butthole to bottle.

02:24:57.000 Sealing it up.

02:24:59.000 And like the grossest lady possible.

02:25:02.000 No eyebrows.

02:25:03.000 The grossest lady possible.

02:25:05.000 No eyebrows.

02:25:06.000 Contaminated starfish.

02:25:08.000 Drop it off.

02:25:10.000 It's funny, dude.

02:25:11.000 Ass biscuits.

02:25:14.000 I know it's funny, dude.

02:25:16.000 Crazy.

02:25:18.000 Kids shooting the guinea pig so far, no one has enjoyed it.

02:25:21.000 Not fun.

02:25:22.000 Isn't it interesting, though, the wide variety of people?

02:25:25.000 That you can get someone like John Carmack, the guy who was one of the coders that was working on Oculus.

02:25:35.000 That's trying to fix virtual reality.

02:25:38.000 The fat kid executing a guinea pig.

02:25:40.000 The fat kid with a rifle at the same time.

02:25:43.000 Oh my god!

02:25:44.000 It's like what I'm saying about Viking behavior.

02:25:48.000 It still takes place.

02:25:49.000 You could be in the wrong part of the world and see brutal savagery right now.

02:25:53.000 Yeah.

02:25:54.000 Shit lady and Elon Musk.

02:25:56.000 You know what's really wild now is you're getting all these Russia-Ukraine war videos that you could get on people sharing them on Telegram.

02:26:06.000 I haven't got a hold of those.

02:26:09.000 They're rough.

02:26:10.000 They're rough because this is all, you know, cell phone footage and high resolution, you know, Samsung camera footage.

02:26:20.000 I see dudes getting, like, I see people getting, like, their apartment hit by a fucking jet.

02:26:24.000 Yeah.

02:26:25.000 I saw one where they killed a guy with a sledgehammer.

02:26:28.000 Whoa.

02:26:29.000 Whew.

02:26:30.000 Dude, they're rough.

02:26:31.000 They're filming shit and putting it online.

02:26:35.000 Yeah.

02:26:36.000 There was this one where this Russian soldier made it into this little area where these Ukrainian guys had been.

02:26:46.000 They were in like a ditch.

02:26:49.000 Yeah.

02:26:49.000 And he executed both of them.

02:26:51.000 And it's like close range, rifle shots to the head.

02:26:56.000 And you're like, what?

02:26:57.000 Oh, my God.

02:26:58.000 Riley!

02:27:00.000 Riley!

02:27:01.000 Obviously, it's not funny.

02:27:02.000 It's like, whoa.

02:27:04.000 Anybody who thinks that There's something about the concept of war without visual confirmation of the horrors of war.

02:27:12.000 I think people...

02:27:14.000 How many people that are really left on Twitter are literally asking for us to support Ukraine in this war against Russia with more military spending?

02:27:25.000 The people on the left, which is really fascinating, right?

02:27:28.000 But I think part of this whole call to war It becomes like the thing that the other side is opposed to.

02:27:37.000 So you're going to support this thing.

02:27:39.000 Yeah.

02:27:39.000 And you're going to be aligned because the good people are on this side and they're clearly aligned with that thing.

02:27:43.000 So you're going to be on that thing.

02:27:45.000 But if you could see it, if like we had to watch every day, we had to watch footage from the war.

02:27:52.000 Yeah, you'd say stop.

02:27:53.000 Yeah.

02:27:53.000 If there was a channel, I mean, because you have all these channels that are dedicated to the news.

02:27:56.000 There's plenty of footage out there that they could capture to show you the actual horrors of war.

02:28:03.000 I mean, yeah.

02:28:04.000 I think that's been a problem with war.

02:28:07.000 Yeah.

02:28:08.000 Forever.

02:28:08.000 Is that dudes that get out of it go, we don't need this.

02:28:11.000 We gotta stop.

02:28:12.000 This is the worst thing possible.

02:28:13.000 Yeah.

02:28:14.000 It's like fucking Red Badge of Courage in the Civil War.

02:28:16.000 They wrote a book that was like, it's not what you think it is.

02:28:19.000 It's not glory.

02:28:20.000 It's cowardice.

02:28:21.000 It's the worst thing possible.

02:28:23.000 It's horrible.

02:28:23.000 It's all evil.

02:28:24.000 Yeah, it's all evil.

02:28:26.000 Fucking...

02:28:26.000 But don't you think that without seeing it?

02:28:29.000 Without seeing it, I don't know...

02:28:32.000 Like, that decision should be super important, right?

02:28:36.000 But yet, there's very little...

02:28:45.000 In terms of like promoting the actual violence of war in a visual form, there's very little of that available where you could just go to a channel and say, if you want to know what's going on in war, we're going to show you all the video footage that's been accumulated every day of the war in Ukraine.

02:28:59.000 So you'll be able to watch hours and hours of cell phone videos every day of people getting executed, people getting tortured, people getting killed, drone bombed, all that shit.

02:29:10.000 And then you can decide if you want to support war.

02:29:13.000 Because if you don't see that, and then you say you want to support war, what does that even mean?

02:29:17.000 Like, you're talking about some sort of term that doesn't apply to anything that's going to affect your life.

02:29:23.000 Yeah.

02:29:25.000 I don't know, dude.

02:29:26.000 It's weird, right?

02:29:27.000 Yeah.

02:29:29.000 This is a little off topic, but I sympathize with fucking Neville Chamberlain.

02:29:34.000 The guy that when Hitler was going wild and he was like, whatever we need to do to avoid war.

02:29:40.000 Let's placate.

02:29:43.000 So Chamberlain's considered like a...

02:29:46.000 Coward.

02:29:46.000 Throughout history.

02:29:47.000 Because then Churchill came in and was like, we're gonna fucking fight.

02:29:50.000 But he was the guy, he had witnessed World War I. And he was like, we can't do this again.

02:29:54.000 If he wants to take fucking Czechoslovakia, fucking let him.

02:29:58.000 And everyone was like, this guy's a coward.

02:30:00.000 But then you kind of, you realize that guy, he was doing what he thought was right.

02:30:05.000 He didn't know there was concentration camps.

02:30:07.000 Right.

02:30:09.000 I don't know.

02:30:10.000 And this is definitely not a Nazi Germany vs.

02:30:14.000 democracies or allies war.

02:30:16.000 Who the fuck knows what this is?

02:30:18.000 This is a scarier war.

02:30:19.000 This is a weird war.

02:30:20.000 It's a weird one.

02:30:21.000 And it's not like...

02:30:22.000 I don't know.

02:30:23.000 It's very clear that...

02:30:24.000 Ah, fuck.

02:30:24.000 That's the thing.

02:30:25.000 You drink a couple beers, you try to talk, you sound like a dickhead.

02:30:28.000 No, you don't sound like a dickhead.

02:30:29.000 I'm just saying like World War II, it was good guys vs.

02:30:33.000 bad guys.

02:30:34.000 And we were the good guys.

02:30:36.000 Russia was bad.

02:30:37.000 It was good guys and a bad guy teaming up to fight the worst guy.

02:30:42.000 This one, I have no idea.

02:30:45.000 Russia versus Ukraine.

02:30:48.000 What's going on?

02:30:50.000 This isn't a clear-cut fucking, we need to do it.

02:30:53.000 I don't know.

02:30:56.000 I genuinely don't know anything.

02:30:58.000 It's not good.

02:31:00.000 You know it's not good.

02:31:01.000 It doesn't When people are anxious and they're worried about war, they make very rash decisions.

02:31:09.000 Like, I remember in the 80s, everybody was really terrified of a war with Russia.

02:31:14.000 Like, it hung over our head.

02:31:16.000 I don't know if people know that.

02:31:18.000 Like, there was, during the Red Scare, during the Russia times, just like in the 1980s, everybody was constantly worried about a war with Russia.

02:31:30.000 And then when the Soviet Union collapsed, When that happened, it was like a giant weight got lifted up everyone's shoulder.

02:31:38.000 Now it's time for us to fight drugs.

02:31:40.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:31:41.000 Now it's time for us to go to war with drugs.

02:31:42.000 We went to war on drugs.

02:31:43.000 When the Soviet Union collapsed, it was the whole world took a sigh of relief.

02:31:50.000 And for a long time, we didn't worry about war again.

02:31:53.000 And now here we are.

02:31:55.000 Here we are with, like, supersonic nukes.

02:31:57.000 Like, what?

02:31:59.000 Hypersonic nukes?

02:32:00.000 Yeah, we can't let people do that.

02:32:03.000 Yeah.

02:32:05.000 But the problem is...

02:32:06.000 But I'm not gonna do anything.

02:32:07.000 If you look at what people have done throughout history, if we say, oh, we would never do that again, we're too rational now.

02:32:13.000 We would.

02:32:13.000 It happens every time.

02:32:14.000 Throughout history...

02:32:16.000 World War II happened.

02:32:17.000 Right.

02:32:18.000 Right after World War I. Oh, yeah.

02:32:20.000 They just witnessed what happened.

02:32:21.000 Yeah.

02:32:22.000 And then those dudes sent their sons.

02:32:25.000 Yeah.

02:32:27.000 And they knew their sons were going to experience what they did, which was the worst shit of all time.

02:32:31.000 Yeah.

02:32:32.000 And they, yeah.

02:32:33.000 It's not like we're fucking above war now.

02:32:35.000 Dude, that time we were on Protect Our Parks and you texted your uncle about Vietnam.

02:32:40.000 Yeah, it was a little dark.

02:32:43.000 That was a dark one.

02:32:44.000 That was heavy.

02:32:44.000 Yeah.

02:32:45.000 That was heavy.

02:32:46.000 Yeah.

02:32:47.000 That war.

02:32:47.000 Imagine going to that war.

02:32:48.000 And then you realize at the end that the whole country got duped.

02:32:52.000 You realize it was pointless?

02:32:54.000 Gulf of Tonkin was a false flag.

02:32:56.000 The whole thing was ridiculous.

02:32:56.000 They knew it was wrong from day one.

02:32:58.000 How much of Vietnam do you think it had to do with heroin?

02:33:02.000 I don't know.

02:33:02.000 People make that- Not zero percent.

02:33:04.000 People make that argument with Afghanistan, too.

02:33:05.000 Yeah, not zero percent.

02:33:07.000 Well, listen, the argument about Afghanistan is ridiculous.

02:33:10.000 They shouldn't make that argument.

02:33:11.000 Why?

02:33:11.000 Because only 96% of the world's heroin comes from Afghanistan.

02:33:15.000 All of the heroin?

02:33:16.000 You mean that thing- They shouldn't make that argument.

02:33:18.000 Yeah.

02:33:18.000 That's a fucking conspiracy theory.

02:33:21.000 And you're a conspiracy theorist?

02:33:23.000 Yeah, if you look up when Afghanistan became the world's largest exporter, it was 2002, 2003. Stop it.

02:33:32.000 They don't want that money.

02:33:34.000 Listen, I know our government.

02:33:35.000 I know how they operate.

02:33:37.000 The last thing they want is heroin money.

02:33:40.000 You son of a bitch.

02:33:42.000 Remember when Geraldo Rivera was interviewing the troops and the troops were guarding the poppy fields?

02:33:48.000 Is this it?

02:33:48.000 Yeah.

02:33:49.000 Yeah.

02:33:49.000 Play this.

02:33:50.000 ...these opium fields and we are tolerating it.

02:33:52.000 We are tolerating the cultivation of the opium because we know that if we were to destroy it now, the population would turn against the Marines and it would be a real security risk.

02:34:02.000 Let me introduce Lieutenant Colonel Brian Christmas.

02:34:04.000 He's the commanding officer of the 3rd Battalion, 6th Marines.

02:34:07.000 Really, a wonderful group of Marines here.

02:34:10.000 I know that you care deeply about this contradiction, the fact that here you have one of the best fighting forces in the world ever mounted, and in a sense, you're watching as this opium is being grown.

02:34:23.000 I know it grinds at your gut.

02:34:25.000 How do you deal with it?

02:34:26.000 What are you doing about it?

02:34:27.000 Well, frankly, this is part of their culture.

02:34:30.000 So, while it might grind in my gut, it's what they do.

02:34:33.000 We provide them security, we're providing them resources, and we're providing them alternatives.

02:34:38.000 And the alternatives are different crops to grow.

02:34:41.000 They're getting the seed and the fertilizer to do it.

02:34:43.000 What?

02:34:44.000 Yo, they're gonna switch out for tomatoes.

02:34:46.000 They're gonna grow tomatoes.

02:34:48.000 They're gonna fucking love corn, dude.

02:34:49.000 Yeah, man.

02:34:50.000 Artichokes.

02:34:51.000 Yeah, we're defending the fields.

02:34:53.000 Yes!

02:34:54.000 And they're doing them.

02:34:55.000 The people are doing them.

02:34:55.000 With U.S. military.

02:34:57.000 The people are doing them, not us.

02:34:59.000 So taxpayer dollars.

02:35:02.000 I mean, armed and equipped guarding poppy fields that will be used to make heroin.

02:35:09.000 Yeah, that's going to reach its way to fuck up my family.

02:35:12.000 100%.

02:35:13.000 Yeah, that's where it's coming from.

02:35:15.000 And it's inside fucking stuffed animals and shit.

02:35:17.000 Now it's on Kensington Avenue in Philadelphia.

02:35:20.000 Yeah.

02:35:20.000 And this is pre-Fentanyl.

02:35:23.000 These are the pre-Fentanyl epidemic days.

02:35:25.000 But, you know...

02:35:27.000 That's fucked.

02:35:28.000 The whole thing's fucked.

02:35:29.000 If you could see how many people before and after they started making those opiate pills, you could see the before and after how many people got hooked on heroin.

02:35:39.000 I bet the numbers would be bonkers.

02:35:42.000 Yeah.

02:35:43.000 Like, the heroin market in the world is worth so much money, and most of it comes out of Afghanistan.

02:35:51.000 And we used to guard their fields, but if you make any connections, You're a conspiracy theorist.

02:36:00.000 Yeah, I mean, the truth is, why the fuck would we ever be in Afghanistan?

02:36:05.000 Listen, we were there for freedom.

02:36:06.000 I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

02:36:08.000 I know, but those guys were from Saudi Arabia.

02:36:09.000 I know those people.

02:36:10.000 They would never make money off of heroin.

02:36:12.000 Okay?

02:36:13.000 So shut your mouth.

02:36:15.000 Fucking communist.

02:36:16.000 I do, yeah.

02:36:17.000 Fuck, what?

02:36:20.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:36:21.000 Like, if you question it, like, what are you talking about?

02:36:25.000 They make money doing everything.

02:36:27.000 You don't think they'd make money selling heroin?

02:36:29.000 Like, they made money during the whole Contras versus the Nicaraguas, the Sandinistas in Nicaragua.

02:36:35.000 Whatever that was.

02:36:36.000 They were selling crack.

02:36:37.000 I have no idea what that was.

02:36:38.000 Yeah, who knows?

02:36:39.000 It was some Ronald Reagan shit.

02:36:40.000 Yeah.

02:36:41.000 I remember I had an Oliver North for President t-shirt, though.

02:36:44.000 Yeah.

02:36:45.000 Because I knew it would piss people off.

02:36:46.000 I bought it from a dude on the street in Kenmore Square.

02:36:49.000 Yeah.

02:36:49.000 That tends to be my political leaning.

02:36:51.000 Yeah.

02:36:51.000 It's just whatever's going to bother people, yeah.

02:36:54.000 Yeah, at the time I was a kid.

02:36:55.000 I was just reading something kind of interesting.

02:36:57.000 I was trying to see how much heroin has been used over time.

02:36:59.000 Yeah.

02:37:00.000 And this government website says it hasn't changed much since like 2000. Well, this is between 2002 and 2013, but the numbers didn't change a ton.

02:37:07.000 It kind of stayed the same.

02:37:08.000 So like, hmm, are poppy seeds used in other opiates, which of course it is.

02:37:15.000 Hydrocodone, for instance.

02:37:17.000 Yeah, that's true, right?

02:37:19.000 So they use it in pharmaceuticals.

02:37:21.000 Yeah, I bet that's a big part of the market as well.

02:37:23.000 But also, if they're using it for pharmaceuticals, are they taking poppy seeds and converting directly to opiate pills?

02:37:29.000 I just was thinking of the last season of Ozark and how they had to get involved with the cartels to keep the fucking business going.

02:37:36.000 I wonder how much of that was real.

02:37:39.000 Unrealistic.

02:37:39.000 Probably not unrealistic.

02:37:41.000 Well, you had a big corporation that had like a nice shell company that they can negotiate with and not have to talk directly to the cartel.

02:37:47.000 Yeah, you just gotta talk to the fucking Taliban.

02:37:50.000 Yeah.

02:37:50.000 I mean, you're just talking about so much money.

02:37:54.000 So much fucking money in heroin.

02:37:56.000 Heroin and heroin pills.

02:37:57.000 But the United States definitely had no involvement whatsoever in the heroin trade.

02:38:02.000 It's only two countries, coincidentally, that had a large heroin market that we also had wars there.

02:38:09.000 But whatever.

02:38:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:38:11.000 Whatever, bro.

02:38:14.000 And both of them for literally no reason.

02:38:18.000 No reason.

02:38:19.000 Both.

02:38:19.000 Yeah.

02:38:20.000 For fucking zero reason.

02:38:22.000 Well, 9-11 wasn't zero reason, bro.

02:38:26.000 I know.

02:38:28.000 Don't get me fired up.

02:38:30.000 Don't hit me with patriotic takes.

02:38:31.000 The craziest one is the takeover of Iraq.

02:38:34.000 Which there was like zero evidence that had anything to do at all.

02:38:38.000 Dude, that's my favorite Chappelle sketch.

02:38:40.000 What is it?

02:38:41.000 Black Bush.

02:38:41.000 Oh.

02:38:42.000 Where he's like, well, I can't say the exact words, but he's like, they're like, why are you invading Iraq?

02:38:46.000 He's like, tried to kill my father.

02:38:49.000 They're like, wait, you gotta play it.

02:38:53.000 But he's like, he tried to kill my father.

02:38:55.000 And then he's like, are you sure you're not trying to get oil?

02:38:58.000 And he's like, oil?

02:38:59.000 What are you talking about oil?

02:39:00.000 Bitch, what are you cooking?

02:39:02.000 Yeah, play that.

02:39:03.000 This is so good.

02:39:04.000 That area is definitely right for regime change.

02:39:07.000 Alright.

02:39:08.000 But if I can be real about it...

02:39:09.000 Be real, son.

02:39:10.000 Real?

02:39:10.000 Be real real, son.

02:39:12.000 Try to kill my father, man.

02:39:13.000 What?

02:39:14.000 You play that...

02:39:15.000 Say word, he tried to kill your father, son.

02:39:17.000 That nigga tried to kill my father!

02:39:20.000 It's so good, dude.

02:39:22.000 It's so good.

02:39:26.000 Oh, my God.

02:39:27.000 Yeah.

02:39:29.000 Dude, the war in Iraq was...

02:39:32.000 Ridiculous.

02:39:32.000 I remember I watched it.

02:39:33.000 I watched it on TV. You remember that night when we opened bombing?

02:39:37.000 Oh yeah.

02:39:38.000 It was just on the news.

02:39:38.000 I remember.

02:39:39.000 We were like, here's us fucking up some other city.

02:39:41.000 Yeah.

02:39:42.000 Boom.

02:39:42.000 We watched it and I was like...

02:39:43.000 You see the tracer missiles?

02:39:44.000 Yeah.

02:39:45.000 I remember being a kid and being like, this is fucking weird.

02:39:48.000 Yeah.

02:39:50.000 It was fucking weird.

02:39:52.000 What's really crazy is that they never showed the evidence of weapons of mass destruction that they should have had something that would let them go to war, but they never had any real evidence.

02:40:06.000 Hey, remember when Alex Jones got sued for a billion dollars?

02:40:10.000 More.

02:40:11.000 And then the people that killed a million people in Iraq didn't face any repercussions?

02:40:17.000 Crazy.

02:40:18.000 What a time.

02:40:19.000 What a time.

02:40:20.000 Huh?

02:40:21.000 Isn't that nuts?

02:40:23.000 Isn't that nuts?

02:40:24.000 What the heck?

02:40:25.000 What's the real misinformation?

02:40:26.000 I said, what the heck?

02:40:28.000 Yeah.

02:40:28.000 Also, the news media went along with it.

02:40:30.000 The show's got sued for a billion dollars.

02:40:33.000 A billion.

02:40:34.000 Like 965 million.

02:40:35.000 But there's more, too.

02:40:37.000 There's more judgments.

02:40:39.000 That part's funny.

02:40:40.000 See what I mean though?

02:40:41.000 The funny part is them going, a billion dollars.

02:40:46.000 What?

02:40:47.000 The funny part is that, but the people that said there was weapons of mass destruction, and then the people that perpetrated that lie, nothing.

02:40:57.000 Nothing.

02:40:58.000 Leads to the destruction.

02:40:59.000 The failing New York Times?

02:41:00.000 No repercussions.

02:41:02.000 Nothing.

02:41:04.000 Are you ready for Trump, dog, to come back?

02:41:06.000 Yeah.

02:41:06.000 I've had a couple of brewskis, dude.

02:41:08.000 It's time to talk Trump, dog.

02:41:10.000 It's time to bring up, dude, he called, who did he just call meatball?

02:41:15.000 Oh, Ron DeSantis.

02:41:16.000 Meatball Ron.

02:41:18.000 Unbelievable.

02:41:19.000 All Ron has to do is drop 20 pounds and that goes away.

02:41:22.000 He did start to lose weight.

02:41:23.000 Looks like it.

02:41:23.000 He did.

02:41:24.000 Getting a little presidential.

02:41:25.000 Yeah.

02:41:26.000 Getting ready.

02:41:26.000 Because he was bordering on Christie.

02:41:27.000 Getting a little chib.

02:41:28.000 He was bordering on Christie.

02:41:30.000 Getting a little thick.

02:41:30.000 He had the makings of a Christie.

02:41:33.000 Yeah, but lately he looks better.

02:41:34.000 You think he's on Ozempic?

02:41:36.000 I hope not.

02:41:37.000 Goddamn, dude, if we have a president on fucking Ozempic.

02:41:40.000 I bet he's on Ozempic.

02:41:41.000 What do you think Biden's on, dude?

02:41:42.000 Everything.

02:41:43.000 Biden's got to be on wild shit, dude.

02:41:45.000 Steroids, cocaine, Adderall, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication.

02:41:50.000 What do you think they're pumping him with?

02:41:51.000 IV drips of vitamins every day.

02:41:53.000 I think if they were smart, they would do that to him.

02:41:56.000 They would definitely give him testosterone.

02:41:59.000 Definitely give him...

02:42:00.000 Either some sort of peptides or growth hormone.

02:42:03.000 He's fucking really close to the end of the line.

02:42:07.000 They can't.

02:42:08.000 They cannot fuck this up this bad and run him again.

02:42:12.000 They will run him again if he lives.

02:42:14.000 They cannot, dude.

02:42:15.000 Who else?

02:42:16.000 Was he going to step down?

02:42:17.000 Then you'd have to admit there was something wrong.

02:42:19.000 And so then the Republicans would be like, you ran that guy for four years.

02:42:23.000 Obama.

02:42:24.000 They have to run it.

02:42:25.000 Obama.

02:42:27.000 Yeah, she could win.

02:42:28.000 She could win easily.

02:42:29.000 She would fucking destroy those things.

02:42:31.000 Destroy.

02:42:31.000 She would destroy.

02:42:32.000 But why would she want to do that again?

02:42:34.000 Like, they already have a shit ton of money.

02:42:35.000 Why would she want to control the earth?

02:42:39.000 What the fuck would she want to control the entire world for?

02:42:42.000 And get all the secrets to longevity experiments that are being done right now in the great desert.

02:42:47.000 Yeah.

02:42:47.000 Brock gets to come back?

02:42:48.000 Yeah.

02:42:49.000 Yeah.

02:42:50.000 He gets to come back as the first man.

02:42:52.000 I'll tell you who doesn't want that is fucking Yemen.

02:42:54.000 They're going...

02:42:55.000 Goddamn, I hope that guy doesn't come back.

02:42:57.000 That guy that just bombed us, bombed the fuck out of us.

02:43:03.000 That's funny.

02:43:04.000 Like over here, we're all like, yeah, we did it!

02:43:06.000 Human Rights, Nobel Peace Prize.

02:43:08.000 They just bombed the shit out of Yemen.

02:43:12.000 Anyway.

02:43:13.000 Yeah, the international conflicts that are going on all the time that no one thinks about, it's so much so that if you had to guess, will there ever be a time where there's no war?

02:43:25.000 Ever.

02:43:26.000 Like, no war.

02:43:27.000 One day.

02:43:28.000 Ever.

02:43:28.000 Is that ever possible?

02:43:29.000 I would say no.

02:43:30.000 No, but...

02:43:31.000 I would say no.

02:43:32.000 It's not possible.

02:43:32.000 There is that peace phase of no major world powers.

02:43:37.000 And we're kind of running into it now with Russia, Ukraine.

02:43:40.000 But, like, the top, whatever, 50 GDP countries never fighting.

02:43:45.000 Yeah.

02:43:46.000 That's good.

02:43:47.000 Sorta.

02:43:47.000 That's the closest we can get to peace.

02:43:49.000 But if someone like Putin decides to use nukes, if we, like funding a proxy war through Ukraine, if he gets to this point where he realizes his losses are too high or something's too wrong, and he wants to prove a point, and he's like, I'm just gonna shoot a tactical nuke into a fucking apartment building.

02:44:07.000 I'm like, okay, what do you want to do now?

02:44:09.000 Because I might just launch these towards Chicago, you fucking cunts.

02:44:12.000 Leave me alone.

02:44:13.000 Yeah.

02:44:15.000 It's just not, we're not getting a balanced story either.

02:44:19.000 There's very little discussion about what led them to do that, about NATO encroaching closer and closer to the Russian border while trying to get them to join NATO. There's very little discussion about that.

02:44:33.000 It's not that it justifies what Putin did.

02:44:35.000 It certainly doesn't.

02:44:37.000 But for whatever reason, the news wants to ignore all the steps that led to this and not say, hey, maybe you guys should stop fucking around in these countries this way.

02:44:49.000 Yeah, I hear you.

02:44:50.000 There's probably something.

02:44:51.000 There's probably something with fucking energy and something.

02:44:55.000 And also with military spending.

02:44:57.000 Yeah.

02:44:58.000 I mean, when things are popping off, that's when you gotta make shit.

02:45:02.000 Yeah.

02:45:02.000 And when you make shit, you make money.

02:45:04.000 Yeah.

02:45:04.000 Let's go.

02:45:05.000 Yeah, so JFK got his fucking head blown off.

02:45:08.000 Let's fucking go.

02:45:08.000 He's like, maybe we shouldn't send troops in there.

02:45:10.000 Yeah.

02:45:11.000 Like, are you trying to cost us a trillion dollars, dude?

02:45:14.000 Geraldo Rivera was the guy that showed that to the world.

02:45:16.000 Oh, the Zapruder.

02:45:18.000 Yeah.

02:45:18.000 Remember?

02:45:20.000 I don't, but I've seen it, yeah.

02:45:22.000 That video's wild.

02:45:23.000 It's Dick Gregory and Geraldo Rivera and some other cat.

02:45:26.000 Yeah.

02:45:27.000 And they watch the president's head blow off.

02:45:29.000 I know.

02:45:30.000 The guy's everywhere.

02:45:31.000 Popular comedian back then.

02:45:32.000 Yeah.

02:45:32.000 That's what he was doing, and he brings a fucking video of the Zapruder film.

02:45:45.000 I'm looking at the TV Guide, right?

02:45:49.000 Remember the TV Guide?

02:45:50.000 Were you around for TV Guides?

02:45:51.000 Yeah, I was.

02:45:52.000 Or you would get a TV Guide on the Sunday paper to tell you what all the shows are that are on.

02:45:56.000 Yeah.

02:45:56.000 And so you go, oh, okay.

02:45:58.000 Dick Gregory the Comedian is going to be on the Geraldo Rivera show.

02:46:01.000 I'm going to check it out.

02:46:02.000 I'll check it out.

02:46:02.000 And then you're watching, boom!

02:46:04.000 The president's head explodes.

02:46:05.000 Like, what the fuck?

02:46:08.000 Dude.

02:46:09.000 How about a heads up?

02:46:15.000 Nope.

02:46:16.000 Yeah, that had to be, especially back then.

02:46:18.000 Yeah, you didn't even know what was going to be on.

02:46:20.000 Rodo Rivera is fire.

02:46:21.000 Dude, he's everywhere.

02:46:22.000 Remember the Al Capone's vault?

02:46:24.000 No, but then they opened it and it was nothing.

02:46:26.000 I never saw it.

02:46:27.000 It was like a big live on TV special.

02:46:29.000 Here we go, and they chipped through the walls.

02:46:31.000 Empty room.

02:46:32.000 Yeah.

02:46:33.000 That's it.

02:46:33.000 Well, thanks for tuning in.

02:46:36.000 Probably got good ratings.

02:46:37.000 Everyone's watching it.

02:46:39.000 Yeah.

02:46:40.000 Yeah, and then he went and interviewed the guys defending the opium fields.

02:46:45.000 The poppy fields.

02:46:46.000 Yeah, what a life that has been.

02:46:47.000 He's like, nice.

02:46:48.000 Good Marines you got here.

02:46:49.000 These are great Marines.

02:46:50.000 What are you guys doing?

02:46:51.000 Defending poppies?

02:46:53.000 Guarding heroin?

02:46:54.000 Oh, it's part of their culture.

02:46:55.000 Yep, part of their culture.

02:46:56.000 Back to you guys at the desk.

02:46:57.000 Well, what the fuck are we doing here?

02:46:58.000 Part of their culture.

02:47:00.000 Preserving heroin.

02:47:01.000 Yeah.

02:47:04.000 I don't know.

02:47:04.000 It's tough, because there's a part of you, like, I recognize I have no idea what's going on.

02:47:09.000 So there's a part of you that wants to just be like, fuck it, I'll just live my life.

02:47:13.000 There's nothing I can do about it.

02:47:15.000 And then there's a part where you're like, well, if you can help, try.

02:47:20.000 But I guess I'd have to do the research to get involved.

02:47:24.000 You know what I mean?

02:47:25.000 Right.

02:47:26.000 If the prospect of nuclear war is out there.

02:47:28.000 I just, I don't think we're really going to be able to help that.

02:47:31.000 You're right.

02:47:31.000 But I think that's also the attitude that people have that allows them to get away with things for as long as they have.

02:47:38.000 Yeah, everyone just goes, fuck it, I can't do it.

02:47:39.000 Yeah, everyone goes, fuck it, I can't do anything about that.

02:47:43.000 It's very sketchy.

02:47:44.000 I mean, if it wasn't for world leaders, no one would have any conflict with large groups.

02:47:49.000 Like, these large groups of people, they're led by people, and they have conflicts with other people, and they try to steal resources and money and fucking...

02:47:56.000 Yeah, we definitely wouldn't be trying to fight Vietnam.

02:47:59.000 Well, we're not.

02:48:00.000 The proof is in the fact that we don't fight with each other state to state.

02:48:04.000 There's no difference between state to state and there is country to country except for constitutions and laws and this and that.

02:48:10.000 But as long as the people can communicate, like if you're going to a place that also speaks the language that you speak, who gives a shit?

02:48:17.000 In America, you can go anywhere, right?

02:48:19.000 You can go to New Mexico.

02:48:20.000 You can go to Florida.

02:48:22.000 Nobody treats you like you're an invader, right?

02:48:25.000 And everybody kind of gets along.

02:48:26.000 But it's country to country that shit gets weird.

02:48:30.000 Now, why?

02:48:31.000 It doesn't make any sense.

02:48:32.000 Why would it?

02:48:33.000 If everything was like the States...

02:48:35.000 Yeah, it's just a little shit-talking.

02:48:36.000 But imagine, because incontinence, right?

02:48:40.000 Inside the United States, it doesn't happen.

02:48:41.000 What happened during the Civil War, right?

02:48:43.000 Sure.

02:48:43.000 But it's rare.

02:48:44.000 For the most part, it works out.

02:48:45.000 Happened once.

02:48:46.000 And you can go around and do whatever the fuck you...

02:48:48.000 Why can't that be the case for the whole goddamn world?

02:48:51.000 Well, of course it can.

02:48:53.000 If you don't have...

02:48:55.000 Like leaders that want to steal resources and leaders that want to push arms closer to borders and leaders that want to violate treaties and leaders that want to push things and come up with better weapons and have them pointed towards your city.

02:49:12.000 Yeah.

02:49:15.000 It's so exhausting.

02:49:18.000 Yeah, but I get it though.

02:49:19.000 As soon as I leave this country, like I was in Canada last week, I was like, America's number one, dude.

02:49:25.000 Fuck your country.

02:49:26.000 Your country's ridiculous.

02:49:28.000 Especially during COVID, you got to see how ridiculous it is.

02:49:31.000 Anytime I go to another country, I'm like, dude, America's fucking number one.

02:49:34.000 Do you think Trump's going to win?

02:49:37.000 If they run Biden, either DeSantis or Trump will win.

02:49:40.000 Yeah.

02:49:41.000 They can't run Biden.

02:49:42.000 Even though he was the most popular president of all time.

02:49:45.000 How about that?

02:49:45.000 Most votes ever?

02:49:46.000 Well, he is the best.

02:49:47.000 What?

02:49:47.000 He's the best.

02:49:48.000 So, if you...

02:49:50.000 There's nothing there.

02:49:51.000 What would you...

02:49:52.000 Like, what would you do?

02:49:55.000 Is it Gavin Newsom?

02:49:57.000 Like, what would you do?

02:49:58.000 Elizabeth Warren?

02:49:59.000 Like, who?

02:49:59.000 Michelle.

02:50:00.000 Michelle.

02:50:00.000 Michelle Obama.

02:50:01.000 If she wants to do it.

02:50:03.000 Obama.

02:50:04.000 She would win.

02:50:05.000 Yeah, she would win.

02:50:06.000 She would win off just...

02:50:07.000 She would fuck those dudes up.

02:50:09.000 Yeah.

02:50:11.000 Unless...

02:50:12.000 So many people have been red-pilled because of this administration and all the wackiness...

02:50:19.000 That, like, the bubble people...

02:50:20.000 Because it was always kind of 50-50 anyway.

02:50:23.000 The bubble people might go towards that because there's so much insanity on the left.

02:50:28.000 Here's the bummer.

02:50:28.000 I was talking with Norman and List and Ari, and we were doing a show, and we were talking afterwards about how, like, you know, the classic, like, fucking things seem to be...

02:50:39.000 Relaxing a little as far as the woke, all that shit.

02:50:44.000 You know what I mean?

02:50:44.000 But I was like, it's gonna get worse.

02:50:46.000 The second this election starts ramping up, we're gonna go right back into it.

02:50:50.000 Especially if it's Trump.

02:50:52.000 It's gonna go right back to where we just were.

02:50:54.000 Yeah, especially when people think there's a real threat of him winning.

02:50:57.000 Yeah.

02:50:58.000 They'll get very hysterical.

02:50:59.000 And if you don't think that's the case...

02:51:00.000 We're going to go right back, dude.

02:51:01.000 My favorite gif in all of the internet is that lady with the sock hat and the glasses on her knees when Trump won.

02:51:08.000 Screaming.

02:51:10.000 It's one of the greatest...

02:51:11.000 That was the thing.

02:51:12.000 That was the thing.

02:51:13.000 I didn't vote for Trump, but man, when that guy won, I was like...

02:51:17.000 Dude, immediately I was like, yo!

02:51:20.000 Dude, if he wins again, do you know...

02:51:22.000 First of all, how is he...

02:51:23.000 He's all fat and everything, and he's 78, right?

02:51:26.000 But he's so alert.

02:51:29.000 I know, he's giving speeches, and I'm like, God, damn, that guy's got the juice again.

02:51:33.000 He's got the juice.

02:51:34.000 He sounds great.

02:51:35.000 I want to see if DeSantis swings at him.

02:51:38.000 That'll be interesting.

02:51:39.000 If he fights back...

02:51:41.000 He calls him Meatball Ron.

02:51:42.000 Yeah.

02:51:44.000 Yeah.

02:51:44.000 Ron.

02:51:45.000 He said that's crude.

02:51:45.000 He's not going to say it.

02:51:46.000 I was just looking up.

02:51:48.000 He said it once, but he's not going to say it.

02:51:49.000 Oh, that's how he talks shit.

02:51:51.000 Yeah, he goes, I'm not going to say that.

02:51:53.000 What'd you call him?

02:51:54.000 Meatball Ron?

02:51:55.000 I would never say that.

02:51:56.000 It is so funny.

02:51:59.000 Who was it?

02:51:59.000 One of them with pussy.

02:52:01.000 It might have been Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio.

02:52:05.000 There was a lady in the crowd.

02:52:07.000 And she goes, he's a pussy.

02:52:08.000 And he goes, what'd you say?

02:52:10.000 And she yelled it again.

02:52:11.000 He was like, he could tell no one else heard it.

02:52:13.000 And he goes, she called him a pussy.

02:52:15.000 I would never say that.

02:52:17.000 He said that out loud?

02:52:19.000 She called him a pussy?

02:52:21.000 Bro.

02:52:21.000 Yeah.

02:52:22.000 Come on, man.

02:52:23.000 He's got comic timing.

02:52:25.000 He's a pussy.

02:52:26.000 That's terrible.

02:52:26.000 I would never call him a pussy.

02:52:28.000 He's a pussy.

02:52:28.000 That's terrible.

02:52:29.000 During the campaign rally in New Hampshire, Trump hit back and then rivaled Ted Cruz by quoting a woman in the audience who called the Texas senator a pussy.

02:52:37.000 She just said a terrible thing.

02:52:38.000 You do it.

02:52:40.000 She just said a terrible thing.

02:52:42.000 You know what she said?

02:52:43.000 Shout it out.

02:52:44.000 Okay.

02:52:45.000 You're not allowed to say it.

02:52:46.000 I won't say it.

02:52:47.000 She called him a pussy!

02:52:49.000 Crowd went nuts, dude.

02:52:51.000 Oh yeah, he said, I never expect to hear that from you again.

02:52:54.000 That's terrible.

02:52:55.000 He like fake scolded her while smiling.

02:52:57.000 You shouldn't say that.

02:52:59.000 That's the president.

02:53:00.000 Dude.

02:53:01.000 That was the president.

02:53:02.000 And he won.

02:53:03.000 And he won.

02:53:04.000 It's going to be interesting to see what happens.

02:53:07.000 I think it's a mess because...

02:53:09.000 You know, by just trying to get someone into the office as a Democrat and picking Biden because he was the most likely to win, they put themselves in a terrible position where he's like, he's way too old.

02:53:20.000 Everybody knows it.

02:53:21.000 There's a lot of people that won't vote for him just because of his age.

02:53:24.000 And they're scared that Kamala Harris is going to be president.

02:53:27.000 You know, if she's his vice president again, like, dude, that's a mess.

02:53:32.000 That's a mess.

02:53:33.000 Nobody wants that.

02:53:34.000 That's not working out right now.

02:53:36.000 I think we all realize we fucked up a little.

02:53:38.000 Yeah.

02:53:38.000 You see Joe talk, you go, ooh.

02:53:41.000 Yeah.

02:53:41.000 We just wanted to be done with the fucking circus.

02:53:43.000 But who would they get?

02:53:44.000 Who's, like, effective?

02:53:46.000 It's really just Michelle Obama.

02:53:48.000 I mean, you could see other people having an impact.

02:53:51.000 Yeah.

02:53:53.000 Again, I don't...

02:53:54.000 Gavin Newsom, if he hadn't fucked up during COVID, like, if COVID didn't happen, Gavin Newsom was fast-tracked to be the president.

02:54:01.000 But Gavin Newsom's like DeSantis, where I'm like, once people hear him talk, you're gonna go, oh.

02:54:06.000 Gavin Newsom's just doing Obama.

02:54:09.000 He's doing Obama.

02:54:10.000 But the difference is people don't like Gavin Newsom in his own state.

02:54:14.000 They just take him over a Republican.

02:54:16.000 Yeah.

02:54:17.000 And people love DeSantis.

02:54:18.000 People love DeSantis in Florida.

02:54:20.000 But there are people that love him.

02:54:23.000 He has fans that love him.

02:54:25.000 I don't think Gavin Newsom has a lot of fans.

02:54:27.000 Here's what I think about DeSantis.

02:54:29.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:54:29.000 Yeah, I hear you for sure.

02:54:31.000 And he got busted wearing no mask at a restaurant when everyone's supposed to be masked.

02:54:35.000 Yeah.

02:54:35.000 I think with DeSantis, I don't know enough about him.

02:54:38.000 I think people love the idea of DeSantis, where they're like, Florida fucking said, fuck COVID, we're gonna, you know, they did their thing.

02:54:45.000 So they love the idea of DeSantis, but nobody's ever heard him talk.

02:54:49.000 Nobody's ever seen him talk.

02:54:51.000 And when you do, you go, oh fuck, this guy's a dork.

02:54:54.000 God damn it, this is another dork.

02:54:56.000 I've seen him talk a bunch of times.

02:54:57.000 I know, I'm just talking about the general public.

02:54:59.000 I think when they see him talk, right now I'm sure he's doing fine in approval, but nobody's seen him.

02:55:04.000 And when he talks, especially if he starts trying to talk shit back and forth with Trump.

02:55:08.000 Yeah, that's gonna get ugly.

02:55:10.000 It's gonna split that.

02:55:12.000 It's going to be fun, dude.

02:55:13.000 Meatball Ron!

02:55:15.000 Meatball Ron!

02:55:16.000 Oh my god.

02:55:18.000 It's so exciting.

02:55:19.000 Yeah, it'll be fun.

02:55:20.000 The spectacle will be fun.

02:55:21.000 The spectacle will be fun, but then it's also the same prospect every time.

02:55:24.000 I never feel good about who's going to be the president.

02:55:26.000 It's always like, okay.

02:55:29.000 It's never like anybody that really is coming along that's going to revamp the system in some sort of meaningful way.

02:55:36.000 And the only way they do that is to take money out, and they're never gonna do that, so let's just fucking keep telling jokes.

02:55:41.000 Yeah, fuck it.

02:55:42.000 That's what Trump's good for.

02:55:43.000 Yeah, we'll just keep telling jokes.

02:55:45.000 Trump's way better for us.

02:55:47.000 Yeah.

02:55:48.000 In terms of, like, material?

02:55:50.000 Trump's good for material, but he's bad for the culture of comedy.

02:55:56.000 How so?

02:55:57.000 People get way more touchy.

02:55:59.000 Because all the race and transphobia and homophobia, that gets ramped up big time.

02:56:04.000 So then people actually get sensitive.

02:56:06.000 I wonder if that's going to ramp up again or if that's run its cycle.

02:56:10.000 That shit worked tremendously.

02:56:13.000 Yeah.

02:56:13.000 They're going to run that playbook again for sure.

02:56:16.000 Alright, dude, let's wrap this up.

02:56:18.000 Fucking right.

02:56:18.000 We got shit to do.

02:56:20.000 Yeah.

02:56:21.000 Alright.

02:56:21.000 I hope I wasn't totally incoherent there.

02:56:23.000 No, no, it's been fun.

02:56:24.000 We've been having a good time.

02:56:26.000 Remember the shithorder?

02:56:26.000 Yeah, shithorder was awesome.

02:56:28.000 Alright, I just have to pee again.

02:56:29.000 So I figured it's a good time to wrap it up.

02:56:31.000 Bye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 17, 2023

Joe Rogan Experience #1957 - Shane Gillis

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