The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #196

00:00:02.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:06.000 Do you sense a no nasal sort of a tone to my voice today?

00:00:09.000 I tried to give you allergy medicine, man.

00:00:11.000 It's a little bit of a cold.

00:00:12.000 I think it's mostly allergies.

00:00:14.000 You think so?

00:00:14.000 Because you, me, and like everybody I know, the exact same symptoms exactly 100%.

00:00:19.000 Are you coughing?

00:00:20.000 I'm mostly sneezing, running noses, burning eyes, shit in my eyes, and I cough once in a while.

00:00:26.000 No burning eyes.

00:00:26.000 No burning eyes with me, just coughing and running nose.

00:00:28.000 Yeah.

00:00:29.000 But I don't feel bad.

00:00:30.000 I feel physically.

00:00:30.000 I feel really good.

00:00:31.000 I feel fine, maybe a little tired.

00:00:32.000 I think you're going to be okay.

00:00:33.000 But we also podcast-rammed all over your face this week.

00:00:37.000 Yeah, we've been podcasting like crazy.

00:00:39.000 I don't know if that wears you out, though.

00:00:41.000 It makes me run out of things to talk about, definitely.

00:00:43.000 Yesterday, I had to try hard.

00:00:45.000 Well, you did ones after mine, too?

00:00:47.000 Yeah, I've done the Naughty Show and whatever.

00:00:52.000 Well, at least there's a lot of people on those shows, so they can kind of keep the ball rolling.

00:00:55.000 Yeah, but...

00:00:56.000 And you feel like you still have to jump in.

00:00:58.000 It's still not laying on the couch crying.

00:01:02.000 I'm not used to not doing that.

00:01:05.000 Some people out there working in coal mines, Brian.

00:01:07.000 I know.

00:01:07.000 There's real work out there.

00:01:08.000 There's real jobs.

00:01:09.000 Anyway, what I was about to say is we're brought to you by a rubber vagina.

00:01:13.000 It's not rubber.

00:01:14.000 It's like a mineral.

00:01:15.000 What is it?

00:01:15.000 He explained it yesterday.

00:01:16.000 I don't know, but he kind of hinted that I could maybe put it in my mouth a little.

00:01:21.000 Yeah, you wouldn't recommend it, but I bet you could eat it and live.

00:01:24.000 Yeah, it would be like eating shoes.

00:01:26.000 If you were Steve-O in his prime, Steve-O in his prime would have eaten a flashlight.

00:01:28.000 Yeah, or if you're a Tom and Jerry.

00:01:30.000 Yeah.

00:01:31.000 You know, like, remember eating the shoes?

00:01:33.000 I think we talked about this a long-ass time ago.

00:01:34.000 They ate shoes?

00:01:35.000 Remember, it was like big in cartoons to always eat your shoes.

00:01:37.000 Like, you cook it up, and then you cut it off like a steak.

00:01:40.000 You know why?

00:01:41.000 Yeah, I think we talked about it.

00:01:41.000 These really poor people used to actually eat their fucking shoes, man.

00:01:45.000 That's amazing.

00:01:45.000 Yeah.

00:01:46.000 Well, you know, I don't think we realize how bad it was in, like, the Great Depression.

00:01:50.000 Right.

00:01:50.000 During the Great Depression, when my grandma...

00:01:52.000 Excuse me, when my grandfather grew up, he had this...

00:01:56.000 My grandfather always had this serious, serious air about him because he had seen people that, like, almost starved to death.

00:02:04.000 You know what I mean?

00:02:04.000 Right.

00:02:04.000 Like, he had lived in an era where that was a real possibility.

00:02:09.000 Yeah.

00:02:09.000 Like in America, you might starve to death.

00:02:11.000 It's not going to be everybody, but it's possible.

00:02:14.000 Things were really fucking bad.

00:02:16.000 And if you can live through that, what does this have to do with plastic vaginas, Brian?

00:02:20.000 Nothing.

00:02:20.000 Nothing, goddammit.

00:02:21.000 They didn't have them back then.

00:02:24.000 Thank god we have them now.

00:02:25.000 Yes.

00:02:26.000 First of all, it would certainly keep the population down.

00:02:28.000 Definitely.

00:02:29.000 This is an excellent tool for population control, the fleshlight.

00:02:33.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN. You save yourself a bundle of cash.

00:02:38.000 How much?

00:02:39.000 15%.

00:02:40.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:02:41.000 No, I won't.

00:02:42.000 I'm being serious.

00:02:43.000 15%.

00:02:44.000 Enjoy it.

00:02:45.000 We are also sponsored by Onnit.com.

00:02:47.000 Makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive-enhancing supplement that I take.

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00:03:16.000 If you have some experience in nootropics, you already know you enjoy their effects, then go ahead and try it.

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00:03:33.000 And Gabba is something completely different from a big tall puppet in a suit.

00:03:37.000 Yeah, it's not Yo Gabba Gabba.

00:03:39.000 It's Gabba.

00:03:40.000 The controversy in stews.

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00:03:58.000 What?

00:03:59.000 Huh?

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00:04:06.000 It's called 5-HTP and L-tryptophan.

00:04:08.000 And when you mix those two together, both of them are responsible for producing serotonin.

00:04:14.000 So it sort of gives you the building blocks for serotonin, and it makes your brain produce it.

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00:04:36.000 Okay?

00:04:36.000 We can't make it any easier.

00:04:37.000 We're trying to be as fair and as nice as possible.

00:04:40.000 And our goal always is, number one, I don't ever want to do anything where anybody feels ripped off.

00:04:46.000 So that's why we have this money-back guarantee in place.

00:04:49.000 I'm much more concerned with not having people feel ripped off than I am with making money.

00:04:54.000 Okay, so there it is.

00:04:55.000 Go to Onnit.com.

00:04:56.000 Check it, bitches.

00:04:57.000 O-N-N-I-T. Enter in my last name, which is Rogan.

00:05:01.000 R-O-G-A-N. And save yourself 10% for now and for always.

00:05:05.000 And what was the other?

00:05:06.000 He had some new fucking code that gets you 35% off.

00:05:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:05:10.000 Shit.

00:05:11.000 I can't remember.

00:05:11.000 I guess you have to download yesterday's episode on iTunes.

00:05:14.000 Damn it.

00:05:16.000 He's in a plane right now, too.

00:05:17.000 I can't even text him.

00:05:18.000 Alright.

00:05:19.000 Whatever.

00:05:20.000 Yeah, you'll have to download yesterday's because there's a way to get 35% off.

00:05:24.000 I'll tweet it.

00:05:25.000 I'll tweet it what it is later.

00:05:26.000 Sorry.

00:05:26.000 Make him work for it, man.

00:05:28.000 It's me, man.

00:05:29.000 I fucked up.

00:05:30.000 I should have had that shit written down.

00:05:31.000 It was something weird, like TSK or something.

00:05:33.000 Was it?

00:05:34.000 Yeah.

00:05:34.000 I know you're just making shit up and confusing people.

00:05:36.000 Somebody probably had it.

00:05:37.000 It was on the tip of their tongue, and then you just said that, and you just fucked them sideways.

00:05:41.000 Boom!

00:05:42.000 Into the woods.

00:05:43.000 Speaking of fuck sideways, we're talking to Matt Paxton from Fuckin' Hoarders, ladies and gentlemen.

00:05:48.000 What's up?

00:05:48.000 Cue the music.

00:05:50.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:05:50.000 Let's start this officially.

00:05:51.000 Train by day!

00:05:53.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night!

00:05:54.000 All day!

00:05:57.000 Yes.

00:06:02.000 Now, we are talking today to Matt Paxton from Hoarders, and you want to talk about a dude who has seen some unusual shit.

00:06:10.000 I've seen it every day.

00:06:10.000 You must have a completely different perspective on human beings than your average person.

00:06:15.000 Yeah!

00:06:16.000 Oh, I mean, it's to a point now where I have a hard time, like, I mean, I live in the suburbs now, I have a wife and kids, and I'm bored to death, like, hanging out with the guys in the neighborhood, because I'm, I mean, during the day, I'm, you know, shoveling 200 dead cats, and...

00:06:30.000 You know, 45,000 pounds of shit, and then I gotta go talk to some guy about an email that he got in his cube.

00:06:35.000 I mean, it's actually affecting...

00:06:38.000 I need the crazy shit now.

00:06:40.000 I'm really having a hard time living a regular life.

00:06:43.000 So you've become addicted to all this insanity.

00:06:45.000 Absolutely.

00:06:46.000 I'm a recovering addict.

00:06:47.000 My issue was gambling.

00:06:48.000 I had a serious gambling problem.

00:06:50.000 Lost everything when I was 25. I mean, literally rock bottom, sitting in a ditch in Lake Tahoe, Nevada.

00:06:56.000 I got my ass kicked by a bookie.

00:06:58.000 And I had to start over.

00:06:59.000 Wow.

00:07:00.000 I had literally five bucks in my pocket and I went and gambled it trying to make it ten.

00:07:03.000 Jesus Christ.

00:07:04.000 And so I hit rock bottom and over the last, what, ten years, slowly but surely got back out and I've seen it all.

00:07:11.000 And so it works for me with the hoarders because I'm not going to judge them.

00:07:14.000 I've been in a much, I mean, I thought about sucking dick for money one night.

00:07:17.000 I didn't do it, but I put it on the table.

00:07:19.000 Wow.

00:07:20.000 Because I was in a lot of trouble.

00:07:21.000 And I was like, you know, it can't taste that bad.

00:07:23.000 It's not that horrible, you know?

00:07:24.000 Like, I started justifying it in my head.

00:07:27.000 And I put a lot of things on the table that night.

00:07:30.000 Wow.

00:07:30.000 Sigur and I talked about it one night.

00:07:32.000 We were like, you know, I was like, I'm going to run drugs from New York to Miami just once and get out of trouble.

00:07:37.000 Not like I knew how to set that up or anything.

00:07:40.000 But in my mind, I was like, I'm gonna do it.

00:07:42.000 I was in so much trouble, I put a lot of things on the table.

00:07:45.000 So when I see a lady that's shit in her oven, I'm like, eh, you know, it's not that bad.

00:07:50.000 She shits in her oven?

00:07:51.000 I've had one lady that did, yeah.

00:07:52.000 She shit in a bag and then put the bag in the oven.

00:07:55.000 Oh my god!

00:07:57.000 To keep it fresh, right?

00:07:59.000 She wanted to keep it safe.

00:08:00.000 She wanted to keep it safe.

00:08:01.000 She was saving her shit?

00:08:02.000 I get that.

00:08:03.000 It was a special, something like, I think there was a birthday cake involved or something.

00:08:07.000 Oh my god.

00:08:08.000 God.

00:08:09.000 So you can't...

00:08:10.000 From a particular meal that you wanted to save?

00:08:13.000 Yeah, there was something important to it.

00:08:16.000 I know.

00:08:16.000 And you know what?

00:08:17.000 I'll get right at it.

00:08:18.000 These people are not crazy.

00:08:20.000 I hate that word, crazy.

00:08:21.000 They sure sound it.

00:08:22.000 Right.

00:08:22.000 But...

00:08:24.000 Something really intense has happened to them at some point in their life that made them.

00:08:27.000 It jump-started it and got them.

00:08:30.000 And then about 10 years of bad decisions got them there after that.

00:08:33.000 But something horrible, tragic happened to them that initiated it.

00:08:36.000 So is it this horrible, tragic thing that happens to them?

00:08:39.000 Does it just fuck with the way they see reality?

00:08:42.000 Totally.

00:08:42.000 They block off sections of reality?

00:08:44.000 Yeah, that's why I'm so excited to be on this, because you're willing to go into different realities and understand that you could have a whole separate world that exists in your mind, even though you're living in a different one.

00:08:55.000 There's a lot of functional, crazy people out there.

00:08:57.000 Absolutely.

00:08:58.000 We've had judges and lawyers and doctors.

00:09:00.000 We had one judge that we literally had to clean his house from midnight to 6 a.m.

00:09:04.000 because he didn't want anybody to know what was going on.

00:09:07.000 But yet, I mean, here I am.

00:09:08.000 Hello, the guy on Hoarders that three million people a night see.

00:09:11.000 If I'm going into your house every other hour, it's pretty obvious we're cleaning up your house.

00:09:16.000 What did you have to do to the judge's house?

00:09:17.000 We'd clean it.

00:09:18.000 I mean, it was full.

00:09:19.000 But his was nice stuff.

00:09:20.000 It was like art and fancy things, antiques, and just things he had bought.

00:09:24.000 It was just over-balling.

00:09:26.000 His was an issue.

00:09:27.000 His wife believed stuff made you who you were.

00:09:30.000 Oh, wow.

00:09:31.000 And so he wasn't really, he wasn't comfortable with, you know, what you do as a person is who you are.

00:09:36.000 He was, whatever you buy is who you are.

00:09:38.000 And so they were searching for more self-worth and they just kept buying things.

00:09:42.000 Oh, I see.

00:09:43.000 And I mean, it does, it's all mental.

00:09:45.000 It's never about the physical stuff.

00:09:47.000 Which is hard to believe.

00:09:48.000 I mean, we could get deep into...

00:09:50.000 These hoarders get into big, deep worlds where they think things matter.

00:09:56.000 And I always say it's called...

00:09:58.000 There's an old Avett Brothers song, if you've ever heard of Avett Brothers.

00:10:00.000 Interesting band.

00:10:02.000 Really cool band.

00:10:03.000 How do you spell it?

00:10:03.000 A-V-E-T-T. Avett Brothers.

00:10:06.000 They're amazing.

00:10:06.000 They drive a lot of my theories on life.

00:10:09.000 Really?

00:10:09.000 Yeah.

00:10:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:10:10.000 I mean, they changed the way I work.

00:10:11.000 Like, first time I heard them, I was like, wow, this must have been what it must have been like to hear The Beatles for the first time.

00:10:16.000 Really?

00:10:17.000 And I know that's a word you don't throw out.

00:10:19.000 I know that.

00:10:19.000 Oh, man.

00:10:20.000 You're hyping this up like drive.

00:10:21.000 Where are they from?

00:10:22.000 They're from North Carolina.

00:10:24.000 What kind of music is this?

00:10:25.000 They're bluegrass, but they think they're Led Zeppelin.

00:10:27.000 Really?

00:10:28.000 Holy shit.

00:10:28.000 So they play really fucking hardcore.

00:10:31.000 Dude, throw some of that shit on.

00:10:32.000 They just got picked up by Rick Rubin.

00:10:35.000 Their last album was Rick Rubin produced.

00:10:36.000 Wow.

00:10:37.000 Does Rick Rubin still have that crazy beard?

00:10:39.000 I only know him from that NYU picture.

00:10:41.000 I only know him from Beastie Boys videos.

00:10:43.000 I mean, you think that was their freshman year of college?

00:10:46.000 Him and...

00:10:47.000 Who was that guy?

00:10:50.000 The black guy.

00:10:51.000 Russell Simmons?

00:10:52.000 Russell Simmons and him were roommates freshman year at NYU. Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

00:10:55.000 That's crazy.

00:10:56.000 Yeah.

00:10:56.000 To me.

00:10:57.000 They both seem to be, like, really...

00:10:58.000 Even though they're, like, super successful, they both seem to be, like, really nice guys.

00:11:02.000 I met...

00:11:03.000 Russell Simmons, like, you ever read his Twitter?

00:11:06.000 No.

00:11:06.000 It's all about love.

00:11:07.000 It's all about love and do yoga and drink water.

00:11:11.000 It's like...

00:11:12.000 He's a big yogi.

00:11:14.000 I met him in an elevator at a shoe convention one year.

00:11:16.000 Yeah.

00:11:17.000 If there was a...

00:11:17.000 What is the name of the song, Brian?

00:11:21.000 10,000 Words Acoustic.

00:11:24.000 It's probably not the song you want to hear.

00:11:25.000 Maybe.

00:11:26.000 Maybe it is.

00:11:26.000 Dude, distraction.

00:11:27.000 Here it is.

00:11:28.000 There it is.

00:11:29.000 That's in the back of their truck.

00:11:30.000 A million more in books written beneath my bed.

00:11:35.000 I wrote, read them all, went searching in the swarms.

00:11:44.000 Still can't find how to hold my hand.

00:11:48.000 If you see Distraction number 74, hit that one live.

00:11:52.000 Distraction 74?

00:11:53.000 Is that a song?

00:11:54.000 Yeah.

00:11:54.000 You'll see them how they...

00:11:56.000 Their live is really amazing.

00:11:58.000 One of those dudes had his pants rolled up and he was barefoot.

00:12:02.000 I find that offensive.

00:12:04.000 They're definitely playing the part now.

00:12:06.000 I mean, they are.

00:12:07.000 I find that slightly offensive.

00:12:09.000 You knew they were filming a video, dude.

00:12:10.000 You decided to roll your pants up and take your shoes off.

00:12:13.000 They're still in the music industry.

00:12:14.000 No, man.

00:12:14.000 I'm so comfortable.

00:12:16.000 They're still in the music industry.

00:12:17.000 So comfortable, man.

00:12:18.000 Okay.

00:12:20.000 Yes?

00:12:21.000 Yeah.

00:12:25.000 I was in love with your beauty.

00:12:27.000 So the guy plays a banjo like a guitar.

00:12:30.000 Oh, how I wish that wasn't up to and made me want to stay.

00:12:34.000 See, I'm as true as I try to be and I must say, my girl, I tried the best to give to you all of the truth in the world.

00:12:43.000 But when I left your house that morning in that ragged thunderbird, I tried so hard to fight the voices from the devils that I heard.

00:12:51.000 See, there's a highway to the right of us I took a year ago.

00:12:55.000 And since a year ago can't drive past without snurning down that road.

00:13:00.000 And I knew it, I never should have turned the wheel.

00:13:08.000 And I knew it, the voices calling me worried.

00:13:12.000 I knew it, the seven song they said.

00:13:16.000 I knew I was wrong.

00:13:19.000 Yes, I did.

00:13:20.000 And I knew I was wrong.

00:13:24.000 So live, it's a whole different world.

00:13:28.000 This is very original, though.

00:13:30.000 Yeah.

00:13:32.000 I can't think of other things that it sounds like.

00:13:34.000 They've got like six albums in three years.

00:13:36.000 Really?

00:13:36.000 Yeah, they just throw up music.

00:13:38.000 I'll have to check out their stuff.

00:13:39.000 But the whole point of that was they have a line that says, I'll never know silence without mental violence.

00:13:44.000 Whoa.

00:13:45.000 And I get really deep into the word.

00:13:47.000 I mean, like, I just love their music.

00:13:49.000 And they said, I never know silence without mental violence.

00:13:51.000 And that mental violence is the key word for me.

00:13:53.000 For a hoarder, they're 24-7.

00:13:56.000 Their mind is never asleep.

00:13:57.000 You and I, I think your brain probably goes over time a lot.

00:14:01.000 I'm a huge fan of the podcast, and I'm geeking out to be here.

00:14:06.000 We're geeking out to have you.

00:14:08.000 Thank you, I'm sure.

00:14:11.000 You allow your brain to go deeper than a lot of people are willing to.

00:14:15.000 I don't even know what that means.

00:14:16.000 If something is curious to me, I follow up on my curiosity.

00:14:20.000 I just have the time to do it.

00:14:21.000 I think that's the difference.

00:14:23.000 I don't work a regular day job where between 9 to 5 I have to have the...

00:14:29.000 You don't allow rules to limit your brain.

00:14:31.000 Well, I don't have to.

00:14:32.000 A lot of it is I've been very lucky in how I've managed to manage my life.

00:14:40.000 I can think about things.

00:14:42.000 I don't have to think about a company all day.

00:14:45.000 But someone doesn't tell you how to think of those things.

00:14:48.000 Your brain just goes.

00:14:49.000 Well, I'm allowed to.

00:14:50.000 Yeah.

00:14:51.000 I mean, I think that's what's really hard for people is jobs.

00:14:54.000 What's really hard for people is, you know, when you fucking work 40 hours a week plus traveling, commuting, that's a lot of time that's not yours.

00:15:00.000 More than 50% of your life is not yours.

00:15:02.000 Not yours.

00:15:02.000 And for most of us, you know, not me, but, you know, I have been in the past for sure.

00:15:09.000 When you work on a job like that, you're giving away a giant chunk of your life.

00:15:12.000 That's the majority of us.

00:15:14.000 That's why systems work.

00:15:15.000 People are tired.

00:15:16.000 People are tired all the time.

00:15:18.000 That's why ridiculous systems are hard to get out of place.

00:15:20.000 Because people are just too tired to fix them.

00:15:22.000 I always say hitting rock bottom for me was the greatest thing ever.

00:15:27.000 Because you fuck up so many times...

00:15:29.000 By the time you get back out of Rock Bottom, you pick yourself up, you've broken all those rules and you're like, fuck, I'm not getting a real job.

00:15:36.000 So you feel like you're probably the perfect person for this show because you're not even judging these people.

00:15:40.000 Hell no.

00:15:41.000 Never.

00:15:41.000 I've done worse.

00:15:43.000 You've been down Crazy Street.

00:15:44.000 I've done much worse than I have.

00:15:45.000 Absolutely.

00:15:46.000 That's beautiful, man.

00:15:47.000 Much worse.

00:15:48.000 What a great message that is.

00:15:49.000 I'm totally not going to judge them.

00:15:50.000 No one is.

00:15:51.000 What a great message that is, though, if you're saying you've done much worse and here you are with your shit together.

00:15:55.000 There's nothing...

00:15:56.000 Yeah, but I sure didn't for 15 years.

00:15:58.000 I know, but that's so important.

00:15:59.000 I don't think I have my shit together now.

00:16:01.000 I'm just on TV, and it looks like I have my shit together.

00:16:04.000 Well, I think you have your shit together.

00:16:06.000 Right now, you do have your shit together.

00:16:08.000 If you're living in the moment right now, you're not...

00:16:09.000 More so than yesterday, yeah.

00:16:10.000 You're not methed out.

00:16:11.000 No.

00:16:12.000 You're not shitting your pants.

00:16:13.000 You're not going crazy.

00:16:14.000 Have you murdered a hooker?

00:16:16.000 No, but one of my guys, one of my employees did murder another guy.

00:16:20.000 All my guys are ex-con.

00:16:21.000 They're the best employees for this work.

00:16:23.000 One of your employees murdered a guy?

00:16:25.000 Yeah, he did 20 years.

00:16:26.000 Was he a hooker?

00:16:27.000 No, the other guy was a drug dealer.

00:16:28.000 I asked him, I was like, what's, you know, you did 20 years.

00:16:32.000 His name's Ronnie, great guy.

00:16:33.000 I was like, what's the, like, what happened?

00:16:35.000 And he goes, well, you know, it was me or him.

00:16:37.000 I go, okay.

00:16:38.000 I get that concept.

00:16:39.000 And I go, so like, tell me the story.

00:16:41.000 And I told him, I checked with parole officer, it wasn't a sex...

00:16:44.000 I like my guys to be ex-cons because they're not going to judge.

00:16:49.000 Because they're going to go back to jail the next day if they fuck up with us.

00:16:52.000 I'm their only chance.

00:16:53.000 So with our hoarders, we're their only chance to clean.

00:16:55.000 So I prefer to have like...

00:16:56.000 What if that one fuck-up is raping you or hurting you?

00:17:00.000 That would suck.

00:17:01.000 I mean, yeah.

00:17:02.000 That's true.

00:17:02.000 It's never happened yet.

00:17:04.000 I mean, I don't let them know my family, if that's what you're leaning towards.

00:17:09.000 They don't know my family at all.

00:17:10.000 But you purposely hook them up with jobs because you think that they'll be more open-minded.

00:17:16.000 Absolutely.

00:17:16.000 And I know they're not...

00:17:17.000 I mean, I'm...

00:17:19.000 A college kid drives me crazy because he wants to check his cell phone all day.

00:17:23.000 He wants to try to get laid.

00:17:25.000 Don't get me wrong, I get that too.

00:17:26.000 He's focused on everything other than my client.

00:17:29.000 My worker from prison, he just got out on Saturday.

00:17:35.000 He's just happy to be out.

00:17:36.000 He's been in a 10 by 10 How do you know whether or not you can trust them?

00:17:40.000 I go through some church groups that rehab them in prison and we know they've been sober for two years.

00:17:46.000 These guys are devoted to a vegan diet.

00:17:49.000 They already have committed to lifestyles inside the system to get clean.

00:17:53.000 Believe it or not, staying sober in prison is a really hard thing to do.

00:17:57.000 Is it really?

00:17:57.000 You can get anything you want.

00:17:59.000 Anything you want?

00:17:59.000 Anything.

00:18:00.000 These guys will tell you, man, anything you want.

00:18:02.000 You can have it in a day if you're willing to pay.

00:18:04.000 Really?

00:18:05.000 Yeah.

00:18:05.000 I mean, these guards make 20 grand a year, and they can pick up an extra 60 or 70 running shit to the prisoners.

00:18:10.000 I don't really have a problem with that.

00:18:12.000 I get it.

00:18:13.000 It is what it is, man.

00:18:14.000 Yeah.

00:18:14.000 It is what it is.

00:18:15.000 I get it.

00:18:15.000 You know, prison must fucking suck.

00:18:18.000 It sucks.

00:18:18.000 I can't imagine it.

00:18:20.000 If you got to get high to get through it, so be it.

00:18:22.000 It's the worst way to fix people.

00:18:25.000 The worst way to fix it, I mean, it does, for some, scares them into a life of discipline.

00:18:31.000 Like Bernard Hopkins, he's a perfect example.

00:18:34.000 You know, Bernard Hopkins when he was young.

00:18:35.000 That boxer, isn't he?

00:18:36.000 Yeah.

00:18:38.000 He's the current light heavyweight champion, and I think he's 47. Really?

00:18:42.000 Which is insane, yeah.

00:18:43.000 His discipline is just ridiculous.

00:18:45.000 Well, the discipline is the key word.

00:18:47.000 I mean, these guys are so devoted, they don't even...

00:18:49.000 Try to eat...

00:18:50.000 You think it's hard to eat a healthy lifestyle outside of prison?

00:18:53.000 Try to eat a healthy lifestyle with no...

00:18:56.000 I mean, they'll eat just water and bread, and that's it.

00:19:00.000 Jesus Christ.

00:19:01.000 That doesn't sound healthy.

00:19:02.000 No, well...

00:19:03.000 But the food is so bad.

00:19:04.000 The food is so bad.

00:19:04.000 And they're just so committed to a clean lifestyle.

00:19:07.000 By the time we get them...

00:19:08.000 They're awesome.

00:19:09.000 It's so ridiculous to me the fact that we have private prisons.

00:19:12.000 That fact is so shocking to me.

00:19:14.000 That there are actually businesses that profit off the amount...

00:19:19.000 Substantially profit.

00:19:19.000 Really profit off the amount of people that get arrested and so they also lobby to keep certain laws on the books to make sure there's more things to arrest people for so there's more people in their prisons.

00:19:29.000 It's like...

00:19:30.000 This is the Matrix.

00:19:32.000 I mean, that's insanity.

00:19:33.000 Most of my dudes are young black men that never knew their dads.

00:19:37.000 They were just trying to get by.

00:19:39.000 They never had a frickin' chance.

00:19:41.000 In their mind, selling a little weed on the corner...

00:19:45.000 That was right.

00:19:46.000 There wasn't anything wrong.

00:19:47.000 I mean, the difference between right and wrong is totally subjective.

00:19:51.000 And a lot of our guys, they don't...

00:19:53.000 In their world, they're just trying to survive.

00:19:54.000 Why is that wrong?

00:19:55.000 But it's okay for the guy to sell oxycodones at CVS Pharmacy.

00:19:59.000 Because I'm white.

00:20:00.000 I didn't get caught.

00:20:01.000 Or I had the proceeds to not...

00:20:03.000 To get out of trouble.

00:20:04.000 Yeah, that's so silly.

00:20:06.000 It's really preposterous.

00:20:07.000 So my guys, I like those guys.

00:20:09.000 They'll give me their heart and they'll give my hoarder, they'll give 100% effort to my client.

00:20:13.000 And so that's the dudes I want.

00:20:15.000 That's really cool, man.

00:20:16.000 You know, look, I'm not, I'm certainly for prison.

00:20:19.000 I'm certainly for keeping dangerous people.

00:20:21.000 You raped a If you're a kid, I hope you die in prison.

00:20:23.000 I agree.

00:20:24.000 I agree.

00:20:24.000 But you saw weed, maybe?

00:20:25.000 Get out.

00:20:26.000 Not just that.

00:20:27.000 There's a lot of other things that happen that people get arrested for.

00:20:29.000 And I think we really could do with a better way of rehabilitating people and a better way of sort of managing kids that are coming up.

00:20:38.000 We've got to recognize when there's these big populations of kids without fathers and terrible neighborhoods where everybody's stealing and it's just crime everywhere.

00:20:47.000 We've got to do more.

00:20:49.000 That some asshole can profit off helping these people.

00:20:53.000 But that's the only way.

00:20:54.000 I'm pitching a deal right now, man.

00:20:56.000 Really?

00:20:57.000 Yeah, because to me, it's worth forced development, really.

00:21:01.000 These kids, none of them have dads.

00:21:03.000 Most of their dads are in prison or dead.

00:21:05.000 I don't want to paint a brush and say everyone is this way.

00:21:09.000 But a lot of these kids don't stand a chance.

00:21:11.000 They just simply don't stand a chance.

00:21:12.000 So I'm saying, for the next 20 years, they're in prison.

00:21:16.000 So let's just go ahead and get in there.

00:21:17.000 I actually found out from some of my guys, you don't even qualify.

00:21:20.000 You think it's bad outside with no money and no funding for social services.

00:21:24.000 You try to get funding inside a prison.

00:21:26.000 I mean, they're at the bottom of the list.

00:21:27.000 There's no government money for prisoners.

00:21:29.000 Ugh.

00:21:29.000 So these dudes can't even check out a book in the library until the last two years of prison.

00:21:34.000 Really?

00:21:34.000 You're only available for educational services your last two years.

00:21:38.000 So what if you're on...

00:21:40.000 You're on 18 years.

00:21:41.000 18 years, you're sitting around jerking off.

00:21:43.000 No books.

00:21:43.000 Nothing.

00:21:44.000 Holy shit!

00:21:45.000 Ronnie, you got worse for me, spent nine years in solitary.

00:21:48.000 Yeah.

00:21:48.000 Whoa!

00:21:49.000 First day he went in, he had to beat a guy up, show that he was tough.

00:21:53.000 He got out, and he was mad.

00:21:55.000 He said, I was angry for five years.

00:21:57.000 And think about that statement.

00:21:58.000 Angry for five years.

00:21:59.000 And you're in a 10x10 dark room, and that's all that you are, is angry.

00:22:04.000 He had nothing else.

00:22:05.000 It's insane.

00:22:06.000 So he, I mean, nothing, no break, nothing.

00:22:08.000 Five years.

00:22:09.000 He gets out, finds the same guy, beats the shit out of him.

00:22:11.000 Oh my God!

00:22:12.000 Goes back in for four.

00:22:13.000 Jesus Christ!

00:22:14.000 Because he was mad at that guy for five years.

00:22:16.000 Well, he's fucking crazy.

00:22:17.000 At that point he was, yeah.

00:22:19.000 Wow.

00:22:19.000 What is that experience like of being locked without human contact for five years?

00:22:25.000 Nine!

00:22:26.000 He got out for 30 seconds.

00:22:27.000 Well, he had a little contact after that.

00:22:29.000 Somebody came in for, I don't know, 30 minutes a day.

00:22:32.000 First of all, how did they ever let that guy out of jail?

00:22:34.000 Ronnie?

00:22:35.000 He served his time.

00:22:36.000 I mean, it's crazy.

00:22:37.000 Now, that's another part that's pretty crazy.

00:22:39.000 He served his time.

00:22:41.000 But what kind of a rehabilitation is that?

00:22:42.000 There was no rehabilitation.

00:22:44.000 I'm doing his rehabilitation.

00:22:45.000 I'm teaching them what it's like to be a real man.

00:22:47.000 I'm teaching them what it's like to talk and to listen and to communicate.

00:22:51.000 We're doing the rehab.

00:22:53.000 My next thing after this show's over, I want to do a for-profit program.

00:22:57.000 We go into prisons the last two years.

00:22:59.000 We give these kids an MBA because most of them are drug dealers.

00:23:02.000 They get cost of goods sold.

00:23:05.000 They get business.

00:23:06.000 I mean, they're selling drugs.

00:23:07.000 They understand what things cost.

00:23:08.000 They understand margins.

00:23:10.000 They get it.

00:23:10.000 And they already understood the principle of business.

00:23:13.000 They've got two years to sit around and do nothing.

00:23:15.000 I want to teach them good business principles.

00:23:17.000 Let it be a contest.

00:23:19.000 And whoever comes with a good idea, we're going to fund them.

00:23:22.000 So when they get out, we're going to have a for-profit halfway house.

00:23:26.000 When they get out, they now get entrepreneurial training.

00:23:29.000 Wow.

00:23:29.000 So they get out, and they're with us for two years, and we train them, and then we teach them the business and get their business started.

00:23:35.000 That's awesome.

00:23:35.000 I think there's a way to make money on it, too.

00:23:38.000 I'm not doing it for free.

00:23:39.000 I'm not trying to be, and I'm not looking for government grants.

00:23:42.000 I'm going to take a piece of their business and give them a chance, and as long as it's a good business, they're going to make money.

00:23:46.000 Right.

00:23:47.000 Can you imagine having two years to sit in a room and think and be able to put a business?

00:23:51.000 I mean, think of all the businesses you're putting together.

00:23:53.000 If you had no other distractions for two years, how awesome would that be?

00:23:56.000 I'm not saying prison's awesome, but to be able to be devoted to something would be really cool.

00:23:59.000 It's super motivating is what it is.

00:24:01.000 It can be.

00:24:02.000 Yeah, it can be.

00:24:03.000 Or it can be, you know, mortally depressing.

00:24:07.000 I mean...

00:24:07.000 We've got to figure out a better way to fucking...

00:24:10.000 We've got to get Halliburton involved in rehabilitating cities.

00:24:13.000 Some huge company like that.

00:24:14.000 Yeah, if Halliburton could get a grant...

00:24:16.000 To make Detroit profitable.

00:24:18.000 If we hire them to rebuild Iraq, why can't we hire them to rebuild Compton?

00:24:23.000 Why can't we hire them to set up some sort of community centers where kids without fathers can be mentored on a daily basis so that someone can give them a discipline to put their life in gear?

00:24:36.000 I've learned with doing hoarders, man.

00:24:38.000 I'm learning it's cool to make a difference.

00:24:40.000 I didn't know that.

00:24:42.000 Well, it feels good, doesn't it?

00:24:43.000 It's my new drug.

00:24:44.000 I don't need to gamble anymore because I'm helping people every day.

00:24:47.000 And it sounds silly.

00:24:48.000 It's totally addictive to me.

00:24:50.000 And I'm needy.

00:24:50.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:24:52.000 That's part of who I am.

00:24:53.000 I need that fix every day of someone saying, you helped me.

00:24:56.000 But if it does for greater good, fine.

00:24:59.000 Yeah, I mean, you're getting your little rush, but you're getting it off of super positive things.

00:25:03.000 It's like you've changed something that's just chaotic and crazy, like gambling, into something where you're getting this rush off of only positive things and things that benefit other people.

00:25:13.000 That's beautiful.

00:25:15.000 I'm still getting my rush.

00:25:16.000 I'm still getting my fix.

00:25:17.000 You've channeled your obsession, but you figured out how to do it all.

00:25:21.000 Everything's positive, though.

00:25:23.000 I mean, you think if some child molester that he has to have that rush to do whatever he's got to do, what if he could channel that into, he's got to have that rush, and he'll do anything to get that rush, but that rush is now helping people.

00:25:34.000 Look, that would be beautiful if I believed it was true.

00:25:37.000 That's a bad example.

00:25:38.000 I don't think they can be helped.

00:25:39.000 I think there's such a high recidivism rate.

00:25:42.000 I think there's something wrong with their brains.

00:25:43.000 I won't even...

00:25:44.000 I mean, I'll help anyone.

00:25:45.000 I mean, literally, Ronnie killed a dude, and I'm fine with Ronnie in my home.

00:25:49.000 But I'm not going to help a job molester.

00:25:51.000 I can't do it.

00:25:51.000 Yeah, I agree.

00:25:52.000 I've met a few guys over the course of my life who had killed people.

00:25:56.000 And, you know, some of them in war, and some of them in...

00:25:59.000 Well, that's a whole different story.

00:26:00.000 Yeah, I knew guys who'd kill people accidentally in fights.

00:26:03.000 I knew a guy who did that once.

00:26:03.000 Did you?

00:26:04.000 That's actually...

00:26:05.000 He had a weird look on his face, man.

00:26:06.000 I knew a guy who killed a guy, a buddy of his, in a drunk driving accident.

00:26:09.000 He always had a weird thing about him, you know.

00:26:12.000 Well, I was listening to that podcast a couple weeks ago when you were talking about...

00:26:16.000 You guys were talking about Rhode Island, and all these dudes you were talking about had gone to prison or killed someone.

00:26:21.000 A couple guys had.

00:26:23.000 Yeah, a couple guys had.

00:26:24.000 There's one guy who beat a guy to death with a stick.

00:26:26.000 It was a comic.

00:26:27.000 And that's more than a decision.

00:26:28.000 I mean, that's a commitment to an act.

00:26:32.000 I mean, one time you hit him and he dies fine, but you hit him a hundred times.

00:26:36.000 You made 99 more decisions to kill that fucking guy.

00:26:38.000 There's a lot of crazy fuckers out there in this world.

00:26:41.000 It's amazing that you're so entrenched in them.

00:26:45.000 You seem like a pretty together dude.

00:26:48.000 I think so.

00:26:48.000 Kids changed me.

00:26:50.000 I got a two-year-old and a five-month-old.

00:26:53.000 And my wife changed me.

00:26:54.000 I never thought I'd get married.

00:26:55.000 When I got on Hoarders, I was living on a buddy's couch.

00:26:58.000 I was cleaning up shit for $12 an hour.

00:27:00.000 Literally shoveling shit for $12 an hour.

00:27:02.000 And anybody would hire me.

00:27:03.000 Like a dog?

00:27:03.000 Like people's dogs?

00:27:04.000 No, people's houses.

00:27:05.000 I'd go into a Hoarder house and clean up their shit for $12 an hour.

00:27:08.000 Before the show, even...

00:27:10.000 Yeah, I've been cleaning houses for four years.

00:27:13.000 When I hit rock bottom, I mean, I literally lost everything.

00:27:15.000 I was living on a buddy's couch for $200 a month, and I couldn't come up with $200.

00:27:20.000 The third month, he was like, dude, you know, we're 30, man.

00:27:23.000 Like, you gotta do something, man.

00:27:25.000 I mean, I talked to some of my old podcast.

00:27:28.000 I... My 30th birthday, I was engaged to another girl, and I realized that my life is a fucking joke.

00:27:34.000 I can't pull her into this.

00:27:36.000 I got no business being married.

00:27:37.000 So I called off the wedding like a month before I was getting married.

00:27:40.000 Wow.

00:27:40.000 And that was a hard decision.

00:27:42.000 And I was living on my buddy's couch, and it was my 30th birthday, which is a milestone in your head.

00:27:47.000 And I said to my mom, what do you want?

00:27:49.000 It's been a hell of a year.

00:27:50.000 I was like, I need a pair of running shoes.

00:27:53.000 I couldn't afford, I was trying to run a marathon that year, and I couldn't afford a pair of shoes.

00:27:57.000 I didn't have enough money.

00:27:58.000 I owed like a hundred grand in credit cards.

00:28:00.000 I mean, it was scary.

00:28:01.000 So I started cleaning up old ladies' houses.

00:28:04.000 Wow.

00:28:04.000 And how'd you get that job?

00:28:06.000 My dad died.

00:28:07.000 The biggest thing, important thing in my life for me was my dad dying when I was 24. And that changed my life.

00:28:13.000 I mean, my dad...

00:28:14.000 I was a fucking asshole.

00:28:15.000 I was just a piece of shit.

00:28:16.000 All I cared about was drinking, gambling, and nailing women.

00:28:20.000 All three great things, don't get me wrong.

00:28:22.000 I mean, my 20s were really fun.

00:28:23.000 Sounds like you had a good time.

00:28:24.000 At Austin.

00:28:26.000 Why'd you stop?

00:28:27.000 At a blast.

00:28:27.000 I really did.

00:28:28.000 When you're talking to a guy who...

00:28:29.000 I spent a good deal of my youth in pool halls.

00:28:31.000 Yeah, so you...

00:28:32.000 I mean, a hustle.

00:28:33.000 I was a hustler, man.

00:28:33.000 Gambling addicts on a regular basis.

00:28:37.000 It's very, very common.

00:28:38.000 Yeah, I mean, for me, I hadn't honed my hustle in the right place.

00:28:43.000 I'm still a hustler.

00:28:44.000 I'm just doing it on TV in a positive way.

00:28:48.000 I never change who I am.

00:28:50.000 I've learned I'm able to make more money in a positive way than I am in a negative way.

00:28:53.000 People don't talk like I talk.

00:28:55.000 They don't say the things I say.

00:28:56.000 And I've learned just being brutally honest is the best hustle there is.

00:29:00.000 Well, how did you get into this environment where you were around like gamblers?

00:29:04.000 And how did all this happen?

00:29:06.000 Well, oh man, I just, I love it.

00:29:08.000 The first time I went to a casino, I fell in love with it, man.

00:29:10.000 How old were you?

00:29:11.000 College.

00:29:11.000 This guy, George.

00:29:13.000 So that's when you became a gambling addict?

00:29:14.000 Yeah, George, yeah.

00:29:15.000 This guy, George Roman, he had Tourette's.

00:29:17.000 Really cool dude.

00:29:18.000 He was a very confident guy.

00:29:20.000 He had Tourette's, but he didn't give a shit.

00:29:21.000 It was like your problem that he had Tourette's, not his.

00:29:23.000 Wow, that's awesome.

00:29:24.000 He's a very confident guy.

00:29:24.000 And so I was very attracted.

00:29:26.000 I was like, man, this is a cool fucking guy.

00:29:28.000 He put it on you.

00:29:29.000 He did not care that he had Tourette's.

00:29:31.000 And he would get the hottest chicks at school.

00:29:33.000 He's a really awesome, confident guy.

00:29:35.000 And my dad always told me, he's like, you're never going to be the best looking guy.

00:29:38.000 You'll never be the hardest working guy.

00:29:40.000 You've got to be the most confident.

00:29:41.000 Because I think that's your only in.

00:29:43.000 Like, you got no other valuable thing.

00:29:45.000 Dad just broke you off.

00:29:46.000 No, he just was honest.

00:29:47.000 He's like, you know, you're not going to be rich.

00:29:50.000 Yeah, you're not going to be rich.

00:29:51.000 You're not going to be any of that stuff.

00:29:52.000 Here's your dick.

00:29:53.000 Here's a ruler.

00:29:53.000 Yeah, you ain't got a big dick.

00:29:55.000 It is what it is.

00:29:55.000 And my dad got mad, mad women.

00:29:58.000 I mean, he got, and he was so ugly, but he just, women loved him.

00:30:01.000 He knew how to, he talked honest.

00:30:03.000 He talked honest, and he treated them like, he treated them with respect and as a woman.

00:30:07.000 And so I learned a lot from him, but when my dad died, I went to this little place called Comfort Zone Camp.

00:30:11.000 It's a camp for kids that have lost their dads.

00:30:13.000 And so I was in L.A. We helped to build the L.A. camp.

00:30:16.000 And my wife and I did.

00:30:17.000 But I met her there.

00:30:19.000 But we helped build these camps for these kids that all their dads had died in drive-bys.

00:30:23.000 So you meet all these 12-year-old kids that are going in.

00:30:25.000 They're getting recruited by gangs already because their 23-year-old dads have been killed.

00:30:32.000 They're 25-year-old dads.

00:30:34.000 Grief was a huge part early on.

00:30:37.000 And so for me, when I got out of my really rock bottom and I realized it's time to get going, where I figured that out, the doing good versus doing bad, was at this camp.

00:30:46.000 I got addicted to that camp.

00:30:47.000 I volunteered every single weekend.

00:30:49.000 And I would just go away for three nights and hang out with these kids.

00:30:52.000 And that's when I got my new addiction.

00:30:54.000 Wow.

00:30:55.000 That's amazing.

00:30:55.000 It changed my life.

00:30:56.000 That place changed my life.

00:30:57.000 I met my wife there.

00:30:57.000 I came up with a new business.

00:30:59.000 My business, Clutter Cleaner.

00:31:00.000 I came up with it there, helping these kids.

00:31:01.000 I met a lot of great women.

00:31:03.000 And met my wife there.

00:31:04.000 So I wouldn't have what I have.

00:31:05.000 How did you pull yourself out of the gambling spiral?

00:31:07.000 You said you found yourself in a ditch.

00:31:08.000 I ran like a fucking chicken, man.

00:31:10.000 I mean, I got my ass kicked by a bookie.

00:31:11.000 Right.

00:31:12.000 You owe the money.

00:31:13.000 I owed $40,000.

00:31:14.000 The night before, I had $10 left to my name.

00:31:17.000 I knew I owed this bookie.

00:31:19.000 I think it was $40,000.

00:31:22.000 It was a lot.

00:31:23.000 I knew I only had $10 in my pocket.

00:31:25.000 My girlfriend was waiting for me.

00:31:27.000 I was in Lake Tahoe.

00:31:28.000 She was waiting for me at the top of the hill up at Heavenly.

00:31:31.000 I was gambling all night.

00:31:32.000 I had $5 in my mind.

00:31:34.000 I thought I had $5 at the end of the night.

00:31:36.000 I was like, I better put this down.

00:31:37.000 I've got to get a cab ride home.

00:31:38.000 I was giving up.

00:31:39.000 I had $5 to my name.

00:31:40.000 And I owed $40,000 to the bookie.

00:31:44.000 $40,000.

00:31:45.000 Yeah, which for a 24-year-old kid not making that is a lot of money.

00:31:48.000 And so I put the chip down, lost, came out.

00:31:52.000 I had no money.

00:31:53.000 I lost my last dollar.

00:31:54.000 Came out.

00:31:54.000 I had nothing.

00:31:55.000 And I was like, I got a fucking problem.

00:31:57.000 And so I was looking at the cabbie, and he's like the guy that drove me back every night.

00:32:02.000 And he was like, you know, he looked at me, and I was like, I got no money, man.

00:32:05.000 So I started walking uphill, five miles uphill to the ski resort.

00:32:08.000 Pfft.

00:32:09.000 Tahoe's a very awesome, isolating place.

00:32:12.000 So it was a five-mile incline road as we went up.

00:32:15.000 And I'm walking up this thing, and he came up, picked me up, and he was like, dude, you gotta get your life together, man.

00:32:19.000 You gotta quit gambling.

00:32:20.000 And at that point, I was still judging people, and I was like, this poor, stupid cab driver.

00:32:27.000 No God knows what happened to him.

00:32:29.000 And I was totally judging him, yet he's saving me.

00:32:32.000 He's picking me up.

00:32:33.000 And so I'm still treating this guy, in my mind, like a piece of shit.

00:32:36.000 And he picks me up, he drops me off, and I'm like, can I give you anything?

00:32:39.000 He's like, dude, just stop gambling.

00:32:41.000 And he looked at me like, just fucking stop.

00:32:43.000 And that's what made you stop?

00:32:44.000 Well, and I called my mom the next morning, and she's like, you're on your own.

00:32:47.000 So then I called the bookie, and I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do, man.

00:32:50.000 I don't have the money.

00:32:51.000 I mean, this was like a movie.

00:32:52.000 He's like, no worries, man.

00:32:54.000 Everything's going to be fine.

00:32:56.000 We'll work it out.

00:32:57.000 What do you have?

00:32:58.000 I was like, I might be able to scrounge up $1,000.

00:33:01.000 He goes, no worries.

00:33:02.000 Come on down.

00:33:02.000 I'll meet you down this afternoon.

00:33:04.000 So I was like, this isn't like movies at all.

00:33:05.000 This is great.

00:33:06.000 We're going to work it out.

00:33:07.000 And I went down.

00:33:08.000 He took the thousand bucks and he beat the shit out of me.

00:33:10.000 Broke my nose.

00:33:11.000 I totally was just clueless.

00:33:13.000 And he just broke my nose and beat the shit out of me.

00:33:15.000 That was my rock bottom.

00:33:17.000 And I was like, what the fuck am I going to do?

00:33:19.000 So I called around.

00:33:20.000 I called an old boss.

00:33:21.000 And I told him what it is.

00:33:22.000 My mom had already said, you're on your own.

00:33:24.000 Find a legal way out.

00:33:24.000 out and that was the night where I put a lot of dumb shit on the board I mean I was like all right I'll just be a prostitute or I'll do whatever like I was like I'll you know I was like I can be mentally strong I can figure this out and I was lying to myself saying I can figure this out wow and so ended up an old boss got me a job in Chicago and he goes when can you get this was a Tuesday night and he goes when can you get there and I was like Friday he goes you start Friday they're gonna pay off the bookie but you're gonna have to work for a year to pay that They're going to take it out, peace out, every night.

00:33:51.000 Wow.

00:33:51.000 And I was like, great, thank you.

00:33:53.000 And I literally, my buddy, I didn't have money to get home, so I had to play poker that night, borrowed 50 bucks from my buddy, and won enough money playing poker to get gas money.

00:34:02.000 Oh my God.

00:34:02.000 And that's how I drove home, and I never gambled again.

00:34:04.000 Really?

00:34:05.000 You just quit?

00:34:05.000 I ran away.

00:34:06.000 I still run away.

00:34:07.000 I still run away today.

00:34:08.000 Wow.

00:34:09.000 This is the worst week for me, the NCAA tournament.

00:34:13.000 Oh, you were a basketball person?

00:34:15.000 Killing me.

00:34:15.000 Oh my God, I love it.

00:34:16.000 So do you still watch it?

00:34:17.000 Oh yeah, love it.

00:34:18.000 Oh wow, no.

00:34:20.000 I just don't do the sheets.

00:34:21.000 I delete all the emails.

00:34:22.000 I just can't do the sheets.

00:34:23.000 Wow, that's crazy.

00:34:25.000 So you're just battling it every day, huh?

00:34:27.000 You know, I don't...

00:34:28.000 Sort of, but you have a handle on it.

00:34:30.000 Yeah, I mean, I haven't gambled in eight years.

00:34:32.000 Eight years?

00:34:33.000 Yeah, I mean, my kids are just wearing me out now.

00:34:35.000 I don't really have the effort for that kind of stuff anymore.

00:34:37.000 Does it still draw you, though?

00:34:38.000 Every once in a while I get that itch.

00:34:40.000 Yeah, every once in a while I get that.

00:34:41.000 Like, I had it this year.

00:34:42.000 I had a really bad itch.

00:34:43.000 And I had a flight to Vegas to do a Hoarders episode.

00:34:45.000 And it wasn't even in Vegas.

00:34:46.000 I just had a three-hour layover.

00:34:48.000 And I was like, fuck yeah, I'm going downtown.

00:34:50.000 And I got excited.

00:34:51.000 And I hadn't had that itch in a long time.

00:34:53.000 Like, I can drink, I can smoke, I can do whatever because I can walk away.

00:34:56.000 Mm-hmm.

00:34:57.000 I can't walk away from a table.

00:34:59.000 That's my weakness.

00:35:00.000 I don't know how to walk away.

00:35:02.000 If I have a dollar or ten grand, I'm going to fucking blow it.

00:35:04.000 So is it your special brain chemistry, whatever it is in your mind?

00:35:08.000 For me, that's it.

00:35:09.000 When gambling comes up, you just bing!

00:35:11.000 I love it.

00:35:12.000 That's my ultimate way of shoving it to the man.

00:35:15.000 I'm like, I'm better than you.

00:35:16.000 I can do this.

00:35:17.000 Really?

00:35:17.000 That's what it is?

00:35:18.000 Yeah, it's a self-worth thing.

00:35:19.000 I was looking for self-worth.

00:35:20.000 So a gamble, how do you get self-worth out of a gamble?

00:35:23.000 For me, that's where it went, man.

00:35:24.000 I mean, for you, you might get, I mean, where do you get your self-worth?

00:35:26.000 I don't know.

00:35:27.000 I get it.

00:35:27.000 I'm trying not to think about it.

00:35:28.000 Yeah, my new thing now is like, I really know that I'm making a difference on these podcasts.

00:35:32.000 So I dig that.

00:35:33.000 I'm starting to get it.

00:35:34.000 That's where I'm getting my rush.

00:35:34.000 What is your podcast called again?

00:35:35.000 It's called Five Decisions Away.

00:35:37.000 Five Decisions Away.

00:35:38.000 And what is essentially, what is it?

00:35:39.000 Well, it just recounts all my mistakes over the last 15 years.

00:35:43.000 I was doing a hoarder's in New York City where this guy had an acre in Brooklyn.

00:35:49.000 A massive property in Brooklyn.

00:35:50.000 This guy inherited it from his dad.

00:35:52.000 It had about six feet of bicycles all the way through the yard.

00:35:55.000 So an acre at six feet high.

00:35:56.000 Think of the metal.

00:35:57.000 The value of that metal was probably $100,000 in metal.

00:36:00.000 And he had a bum living in his yard.

00:36:03.000 So inside the hoard, there was a bum living there.

00:36:05.000 Oh, my God.

00:36:06.000 And that was one of the things we had to clean up.

00:36:07.000 We had to get rid of the bum.

00:36:08.000 So I was literally...

00:36:09.000 I mean, this was two years ago.

00:36:10.000 I'm sitting here in Brooklyn, hanging out with this bum.

00:36:14.000 His name is Gregory.

00:36:14.000 I'll never forget him.

00:36:15.000 And I was like...

00:36:16.000 And this is the cool thing about hoarders.

00:36:17.000 I get to meet all these dudes.

00:36:18.000 Right.

00:36:18.000 And I was like, all right, Gregory, how'd you end up here, man?

00:36:20.000 Because he had...

00:36:21.000 I mean, he had a bunch of, like, 40 ounces.

00:36:24.000 He had a bunch of...

00:36:25.000 He had a bunch of these Magnum condoms.

00:36:26.000 And so I was like...

00:36:27.000 Fuck yeah, this guy's getting more ass than I am and he lives in a fucking shack!

00:36:31.000 Turns out he was huffing.

00:36:33.000 I didn't realize he was just huffing gasoline.

00:36:35.000 Huffing gasoline with the condoms?

00:36:36.000 Yeah, they would fill up the condoms with the fumes.

00:36:39.000 I thought he was getting ass.

00:36:40.000 I didn't realize he was just trying to get high.

00:36:42.000 Don't knock it, Joe.

00:36:43.000 Hey, it is what it is, man.

00:36:44.000 Wasn't there a show on recently where a woman had an addiction with drinking gasoline?

00:36:49.000 Yeah, my strange addiction.

00:36:50.000 What was that about?

00:36:51.000 You pretty much said it.

00:36:53.000 She was drinking gasoline.

00:36:54.000 She really would just drink gasoline.

00:36:56.000 She loved it.

00:36:56.000 There's people that do crazy things like sleeping with hair dryers is really big.

00:37:01.000 I've seen Eating Glass.

00:37:02.000 I read the other day, my wife forwarded me this thing.

00:37:04.000 Apparently, second to porn, the most downloaded stuff is watching fat people.

00:37:12.000 People pay money To watch a fat person, stream live a fat person just living.

00:37:18.000 Oh, wow.

00:37:19.000 Second to porn.

00:37:19.000 No, I like the naked fat girls.

00:37:21.000 Second to porn?

00:37:22.000 They pay to watch fat people.

00:37:23.000 So there apparently is tons of websites.

00:37:25.000 There was some girl on...

00:37:26.000 She was on TV. My wife saw it.

00:37:27.000 There's people out there that you would pay a monthly fee to just stream live to watch this fat person walk around.

00:37:35.000 Wow.

00:37:35.000 That doesn't do it for me.

00:37:37.000 But gambling did.

00:37:39.000 To me, I think everything is related.

00:37:42.000 And the whole reason I do well on Hoarders is because I've been lower...

00:37:46.000 Or made worse decisions they ever have.

00:37:48.000 And so they trust me.

00:37:49.000 And I am able to...

00:37:50.000 They know that.

00:37:51.000 And I scream that story to them.

00:37:53.000 So by the time I get to meet with a hoarder, I'm already part of their family.

00:37:57.000 Because they know I'm not about to judge them.

00:37:59.000 Period.

00:38:00.000 So you're just helping them and pulling all their junk out.

00:38:05.000 Yeah, it's easy to throw stuff away.

00:38:06.000 Now I also don't mind...

00:38:08.000 I get the bad stuff.

00:38:09.000 So I get like...

00:38:10.000 200 dead cats.

00:38:12.000 Does that cat shit drive you crazy?

00:38:14.000 The urine is what gets me.

00:38:16.000 The urine, I can't do the urine.

00:38:17.000 The shit, you don't smell.

00:38:18.000 The urine is much stronger.

00:38:20.000 I mean, seeing the actual dead cats.

00:38:22.000 Oh, no, I hate cats.

00:38:23.000 I could give a shit about it.

00:38:25.000 I'm happy with dead cats.

00:38:26.000 Dead cats make me smell.

00:38:27.000 Now, dead dogs, it's hard.

00:38:30.000 I can't do that.

00:38:31.000 It bums you out?

00:38:31.000 Yeah, I saw one where a dog, a lab, was just laying in a cage, dead, and that was really sad for me.

00:38:36.000 But, like, I see 100 dead cats, I think it's funny.

00:38:38.000 Why was it dead?

00:38:39.000 Starvation?

00:38:39.000 Yeah, starvation.

00:38:40.000 It was really sad, yeah.

00:38:41.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

00:38:43.000 But it's weird.

00:38:43.000 Why is it any different from a dog from a cat?

00:38:44.000 It shouldn't.

00:38:45.000 You know, the diapers is my favorite.

00:38:47.000 Now, I laugh.

00:38:47.000 I fucking love...

00:38:49.000 I mean, I did one where this lady...

00:38:51.000 We had a really bad earthquake earlier this year on the East Coast.

00:38:54.000 And it's right near Washington, D.C. And I was literally filming a Hoarders episode.

00:39:01.000 I'm standing...

00:39:02.000 This lady's sitting on her toilet.

00:39:03.000 We're on the second floor of an old brick townhouse outside of D.C. And a big house...

00:39:09.000 And I'm standing on four feet of her own diapers that she's been tossing in a corner.

00:39:14.000 Her own diapers?

00:39:14.000 Her own diapers.

00:39:15.000 So she'd take a shit in her diaper.

00:39:17.000 Oh my god.

00:39:18.000 Or she'd have her period in her diaper and then she'd just throw in the corner.

00:39:20.000 God.

00:39:21.000 And the pile built up to be about four foot high, about six foot across.

00:39:24.000 Oh my god.

00:39:25.000 What are you dressed like?

00:39:26.000 You in a hazmat suit?

00:39:28.000 Yeah, that one I was in a hazmat suit.

00:39:29.000 Most of the times, I just wear boots and jeans and a...

00:39:32.000 And how is she existing in that environment?

00:39:34.000 They can live in anything.

00:39:35.000 It's like an 80-year-old smoker.

00:39:37.000 You know, you see these guys and you're like, you should be dead 20 years ago and he's the toughest fucking guy you've ever met.

00:39:41.000 Yeah, I mean, your immune system must be going to war all day.

00:39:43.000 We'll be in all hazmat and then they're just sitting there hanging out.

00:39:48.000 Oh my God.

00:39:49.000 I don't like to, if I'm conversing one-on-one with them, I don't want to have a mask on because I think that's a wall and I don't want to lose that trust with them.

00:39:57.000 Right.

00:39:57.000 But sometimes I'm not going to kill myself.

00:40:00.000 Yeah, I don't want to die from smelling your shit, stupid.

00:40:02.000 The shit doesn't bother me.

00:40:04.000 It's like when there's fleas that have sat in your shit and then the flea comes up and sits on me.

00:40:11.000 That's when I got an issue.

00:40:12.000 I don't want to be like 100 fleas on my face full of your shit.

00:40:16.000 Not just shit, your shit.

00:40:17.000 Jesus Christ.

00:40:19.000 It's more personal when I know it's yours.

00:40:21.000 So anyway, this lady, this was the crazy part.

00:40:23.000 This lady.

00:40:24.000 This is the crazy part.

00:40:25.000 Yeah, I ain't got any good part yet.

00:40:26.000 Wait for it.

00:40:27.000 Oh my goodness.

00:40:27.000 So then, I'm talking to her about like, tell me the first, I was like, I understand how you, after 10 years, you can throw your diapers.

00:40:33.000 That's easy.

00:40:33.000 I said, but the first time you made the decision, I'm not going to shit in the toilet.

00:40:38.000 I'm going to just throw this in the corner.

00:40:39.000 I was like, the first time is the hard decision.

00:40:41.000 So like, that's what I was trying to get to her.

00:40:42.000 What did you think?

00:40:44.000 Why were you thinking this is okay?

00:40:45.000 Where did you justify in your head that this is an acceptable behavior?

00:40:49.000 So it's that first decision what's so important to me.

00:40:51.000 And as I'm asking these questions, the house starts to shake sideways.

00:40:55.000 And I'm like, hmm, maybe we just got hit by a truck.

00:40:59.000 And then all of a sudden, the house starts to shake up and down.

00:41:02.000 And by the way, there's a 300-pound camera guy right behind me as well.

00:41:05.000 And all of a sudden, I was like, holy fuck, this must be...

00:41:08.000 I've never had an earthquake before.

00:41:09.000 I was like, this must be an earthquake.

00:41:11.000 And the house is just, it's like, I mean, it's like Hulu-ing.

00:41:14.000 I mean, it's just a circle.

00:41:15.000 And I'm like, everybody's freaking out.

00:41:16.000 I'm like, get the fuck out!

00:41:17.000 I'm screaming, everybody, get out, get out!

00:41:19.000 And I run down the steps, and I look at her, and I'm like, I don't want to die under your shit.

00:41:23.000 That's the worst place to die, under your shit.

00:41:26.000 And I realize I'm screaming this at this lady in front of 30 people.

00:41:30.000 And it was worse for her than the goddamn earthquake.

00:41:34.000 Me telling her I don't want to die under her shit.

00:41:36.000 And I felt so bad.

00:41:37.000 And I was like, I just almost died in a fucking house and I'm worried about, you know, upsetting this lady.

00:41:42.000 Right.

00:41:43.000 But like that was, you never know what you're going to hit.

00:41:46.000 I mean, that's what I love about my job also.

00:41:48.000 I mean, you know, I went in that day.

00:41:50.000 So did you just feel like you just crossed a line?

00:41:51.000 I did.

00:41:52.000 I crossed a line with her and I still apologized to her every time I talked to her.

00:41:54.000 Yeah, I mean, you knew she was crazy going in there to like to say, you're crazy once you're there.

00:41:58.000 Yeah, you don't say it.

00:41:59.000 It's obvious.

00:41:59.000 Right.

00:42:00.000 It's like telling a girl with big tits that she has big tits.

00:42:02.000 Like you don't need to say it.

00:42:03.000 Everyone knows.

00:42:04.000 Sometimes you let her know.

00:42:06.000 Privately, yeah.

00:42:06.000 Let her know what's up.

00:42:07.000 Book her in the back and let her know.

00:42:08.000 Let her know you know.

00:42:10.000 Don't be scared to let her know you know.

00:42:14.000 Don't try to keep all your cards under the table.

00:42:16.000 Right, Brian Redband?

00:42:17.000 I often find that I think I'm a hoarder.

00:42:20.000 And it's because I'm such a tech dork that every one of these things that you see here comes with a cable, an instruction book, and I feel like I have to save that because I'm going to need it later.

00:42:30.000 That is hoarding tendencies, believe it or not.

00:42:32.000 What's that?

00:42:32.000 I mean, we get guys that they want to fix.

00:42:34.000 I can fix this.

00:42:35.000 I can fix this.

00:42:36.000 Right.

00:42:36.000 If they hold on to things.

00:42:37.000 Now, you obviously know the limits.

00:42:39.000 Yeah, I know the limits to a point, but also that and clothes are my two horrible things.

00:42:43.000 I just, I hate fucking folding clothes or hanging up clothes, so I just kind of like keep them in like piles in my closet.

00:42:51.000 Like, it's pretty, that's the two things, though.

00:42:53.000 I have a million uber douchey MMA t-shirts that people have given me that I'll never wear.

00:42:58.000 Yeah.

00:42:58.000 It's like a battle axe into a skull, you know, like, chop your head off, fight gear.

00:43:03.000 You must get so much stuff from people, because you're like kind of one of the...

00:43:06.000 One of the original dudes.

00:43:08.000 It's cool in some ways.

00:43:09.000 I get, you know, people send me, like, cool equipment.

00:43:12.000 So it's good in that way.

00:43:13.000 I get cleaning supplies.

00:43:14.000 I mean, nonstop.

00:43:15.000 People send me equipment they want me to use in a house, you know?

00:43:19.000 Well, I mean, it's good to get that shit for free, isn't it?

00:43:21.000 Yeah, I just give it to the hoarder.

00:43:23.000 I'm a minimalist.

00:43:23.000 I don't want anything.

00:43:24.000 How many people that you go in and sort of intervene and restructure their life, how many of them does it stick with?

00:43:32.000 This is the number one question.

00:43:34.000 If they invest in the therapy, and I say invest, I don't mean money, I mean time.

00:43:38.000 If you invest fully in the therapy process, It's about 60% with my guys.

00:43:45.000 60%?

00:43:45.000 Yeah.

00:43:46.000 If you don't do the therapy, guaranteed 100% failure.

00:43:48.000 Wow.

00:43:49.000 It'll be full within two months.

00:43:50.000 And usually faster.

00:43:51.000 Now, and I don't want to say...

00:43:52.000 You said 60% success?

00:43:54.000 Yeah, but I don't want to say...

00:43:55.000 It's not always traditional therapy.

00:43:56.000 A lot of these...

00:43:57.000 When you see me on hoarders, these are stage 5 hoarders, which they're the worst.

00:44:01.000 I mean, they haven't...

00:44:01.000 They've literally been shitting in their living room for 20 years.

00:44:04.000 Jeez.

00:44:04.000 Okay, so I mean, I'm talking extreme, extreme.

00:44:07.000 So traditional therapy is not going to work with them.

00:44:10.000 So I don't want to act like if you just talk therapy, it's not for everybody.

00:44:14.000 And so a lot of my stage five hoarders, there's a lot of Western therapy that's actually amazing.

00:44:21.000 There's a lot of post-traumatic stress disorder, light therapies that we're doing with a lot of, that the guys are doing with all the guys coming back from Iraq now.

00:44:29.000 Those are some really fucked up guys.

00:44:30.000 What are they doing?

00:44:31.000 It's this light therapy that they...

00:44:33.000 They hit them with all these light treatments, and it actually helps them remember whatever that tragic event was, whatever the trigger was.

00:44:40.000 And it helps them go back to that.

00:44:41.000 Because most of these, like a hoarder...

00:44:43.000 That sounds crazy.

00:44:45.000 I think it's fat.

00:44:46.000 I'm not a doctor.

00:44:47.000 I mean, I'm a trash guy.

00:44:47.000 But the therapists that we work with, we brought in some new homeopathic doctors that have come in, and we found that traditional medicine may not always be right for hoarders.

00:44:57.000 What is a homeopathic doctor going to give him?

00:45:00.000 Is there something in their fucking homeopathic book about hoarding ginger root?

00:45:07.000 Acupuncture does some crazy stuff, man.

00:45:09.000 Does it?

00:45:09.000 Is acupuncture legit, Brian?

00:45:12.000 Joey Diaz fucking swears by it.

00:45:13.000 That's all he talks about.

00:45:15.000 It's totally legit.

00:45:16.000 Is it legit or is it one of those power bracelet things?

00:45:20.000 Well, if you believe in it, yeah, sure.

00:45:21.000 I know what you're saying.

00:45:22.000 I mean...

00:45:22.000 I had acupuncture done once on an injury, on a neck injury.

00:45:25.000 I don't think it did shit.

00:45:27.000 Well, so for you, it's not legit.

00:45:28.000 But I was open-minded.

00:45:30.000 It just didn't work for me at that moment.

00:45:32.000 Maybe it was something I needed to do more than once or something.

00:45:34.000 And when Joy Diaz describes it, it seems like he says weird shit sometimes.

00:45:38.000 Like, oh, this brown juice came out of my foot.

00:45:40.000 And I'm like, what's that mean?

00:45:41.000 How about that?

00:45:42.000 How about he was saying, I should put your foot in a bath and you see the impurities come out of your body.

00:45:46.000 Yeah.

00:45:46.000 Like, the impurities are coming out of your feet.

00:45:48.000 Like, what are you, a fucking plant?

00:45:50.000 I've had brown shit.

00:45:50.000 What are you talking about?

00:45:51.000 I've had brown shit on my feet, but I'm not coming out of it.

00:45:53.000 That doesn't even make sense.

00:45:55.000 There's, like, a lot of, like, pseudo-medicine talk that these people throw around, and I always get confused.

00:46:00.000 I never know what's real and what's just a crock of shit.

00:46:03.000 I'm old school, man.

00:46:04.000 If it works for you, and I believe this with faith, with medicine, whatever.

00:46:08.000 If it works for you, cool.

00:46:11.000 It may be totally fake in my world, but in your world, if it works for you, I'm fine with it.

00:46:16.000 Have you ever met one of those crazy dudes that's like a healer that says you can line up your meridians and touch you in certain places?

00:46:23.000 Makes you take off all your clothes in the back of his car.

00:46:25.000 Yeah, he just wants you to take his pants off.

00:46:26.000 I've seen guys that have smart guys convinced that they can actually do that.

00:46:32.000 Oh yeah, I mean.

00:46:32.000 I've seen that with real successful people, and they'll start telling you how great this guy is.

00:46:37.000 I'm telling you, it doesn't make sense.

00:46:39.000 This guy, he's like some sort of a shaman or something.

00:46:41.000 He knows how to line up your meridians.

00:46:43.000 And you meet the guy, and if you are like me, you probably have a very highly tuned sense of...

00:46:49.000 I got two seconds on a bullshit to take.

00:46:50.000 Yeah, you're like, wah, wrong!

00:46:52.000 Get the fuck out of my face, man.

00:46:53.000 Well, at least you're still talking to Andy Dick.

00:46:56.000 Andy Dick is not full of shit, I'll tell you that.

00:46:58.000 Don't say that about Andy.

00:46:59.000 No, I'm just kidding.

00:47:00.000 That is one thing Andy is not.

00:47:02.000 I hope so.

00:47:03.000 I love Andy.

00:47:04.000 He's definitely not full of shit, though.

00:47:05.000 Andy, he's crazy, but he's not full of shit.

00:47:07.000 But, yeah, this guy was doing all this to these dudes that I knew.

00:47:13.000 They were successful dudes.

00:47:15.000 And I had to come along and meet this fella and started asking him about the science behind what he does.

00:47:21.000 The more you get deep into questions, the more it starts crumbling.

00:47:25.000 Like, where did you learn this?

00:47:26.000 What is this?

00:47:26.000 Well, you probably just were reading this and never stopped with the questions.

00:47:29.000 Well, it was just ridiculous.

00:47:30.000 It was preposterous.

00:47:31.000 It involved turquoise.

00:47:32.000 And he also did the thing, he did something that I really don't like.

00:47:35.000 He did something that I really don't like.

00:47:38.000 He reached over and pinched a hold of my trap muscle while we were talking.

00:47:45.000 You ever have a conversation with someone and they're holding on to you?

00:47:48.000 No.

00:47:48.000 Not hard.

00:47:49.000 He broke your personal space.

00:47:51.000 Yeah, but it wasn't even to the point where it wasn't I was not insulting him.

00:47:55.000 So you might say, oh, this guy was about to get physical.

00:47:57.000 It was not that.

00:47:58.000 He was being very friendly, like a friendly gesture.

00:48:01.000 A preacher hug.

00:48:02.000 It was a weird, like he had a light pinch on me.

00:48:05.000 It was like a light pinch.

00:48:06.000 It was just a little, just something that made me think, like, why is he doing this?

00:48:11.000 That's a control thing.

00:48:12.000 You ever talk to a dude and they hold your knee?

00:48:14.000 They lean in, they hold your knee, and then they want to tell you, and I'll tell you what, right now, Matt, I didn't know what I was going to do.

00:48:20.000 They're like, why the fuck are you holding my knee?

00:48:22.000 It's magic.

00:48:22.000 It's diversion.

00:48:23.000 They were diverting you from whatever was really going on.

00:48:25.000 It enhances the moment.

00:48:26.000 So the guy did that when he was talking to me, which automatically makes me feel like he's a charlatan.

00:48:30.000 Pickpocketer.

00:48:31.000 If I know that this guy is a hustle, he's a mental hustle, this is what he's doing, I mean, obviously he's tricking these people into thinking that he's healing them, or maybe he is magic.

00:48:39.000 It's a power play, man.

00:48:40.000 Let's just leave that on the table.

00:48:41.000 But when a guy does a psychological move like that, where he just reaches, I mean, that's really like, it's really base.

00:48:48.000 That's not complicated at all.

00:48:50.000 It's really obvious.

00:48:51.000 If somebody reaches in and holds on to you, it's an odd move.

00:48:54.000 I do that when a hoarder's in.

00:48:56.000 When in a bad moment, I make sure I got a hand on her back as a hug.

00:48:59.000 Oh, yeah.

00:49:00.000 On purpose, though.

00:49:00.000 But that's on purpose.

00:49:01.000 That's to give good energy.

00:49:02.000 That's to, like, the comforter.

00:49:04.000 Yeah, but it's the same thing for negative energy.

00:49:05.000 Yeah.

00:49:05.000 Well, it wasn't even this dude wasn't even being negative.

00:49:07.000 He was just, he was going to make me uncomfortable, and I was just going to go along with what he was saying.

00:49:12.000 You know what I mean?

00:49:13.000 See what it is, yeah.

00:49:14.000 I think that's what they do.

00:49:16.000 Like, a really good con man will make you uncomfortable, and all of a sudden, you're going along with what they're saying, and then you start justifying your actions, and then you're a part of it, and you start telling everybody else how great it is.

00:49:25.000 But a con man is great at what he does.

00:49:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:49:28.000 Well, this guy wasn't bad at it.

00:49:30.000 He just wasn't stand-up comedian ready.

00:49:33.000 I've been a stand-up comedian for 23 years.

00:49:36.000 If you're full of shit, I'm going to look at you immediately and go, oh, look at this guy.

00:49:41.000 It's very rare, unless someone's a real sociopath, it's very rare that I don't think something's wrong immediately.

00:49:47.000 And even the sociopaths.

00:49:49.000 There's a natural way of interacting with people that some people just don't possess.

00:49:54.000 They don't possess that because they're fucking crazy.

00:49:56.000 And you can tell pretty quickly when you're talking to someone whether or not they have or have.

00:50:00.000 But how disturbing is it when you have friends that don't see that?

00:50:04.000 Makes you reevaluate your friendships.

00:50:06.000 But it's not even that they're bad people.

00:50:08.000 Just that, like, hey, knucklehead, you're in a cult.

00:50:11.000 Do you understand you're in a cult?

00:50:12.000 I get that with the damn Amway, man.

00:50:13.000 I get so upset when I find out a true friend is, like, selling Amway all of a sudden.

00:50:17.000 I don't know.

00:50:17.000 What is Amway?

00:50:18.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:50:19.000 You're a pyramid scheme.

00:50:21.000 It's like, you're a good friend.

00:50:22.000 Like, I trust you.

00:50:23.000 You're a good friend.

00:50:24.000 And here you are trying to sell me on something.

00:50:25.000 And I realize it's not that they were sold.

00:50:28.000 I mean, they're totally blind to this right now.

00:50:31.000 And I'm like, oh, my God.

00:50:32.000 Like, you fell for this.

00:50:32.000 Like, I feel really bad.

00:50:33.000 But it does make me reevaluate my friendship with this person.

00:50:36.000 I've had to talk John Heffron out of four or five different pyramid schemes.

00:50:39.000 John Heffron will call you every other month for some new thing.

00:50:42.000 Well, all I have to do is invest $20,000, and this is what other guys have gotten out of this.

00:50:46.000 It's yellow Windex.

00:50:48.000 He always has some new thing where he's going to train.

00:50:50.000 I'm going to train businesses how to write jokes, and they're going to make their own advertisement, and I'm going to do it all in-house.

00:50:56.000 He's always got these wacky ideas.

00:50:57.000 He's doing a lot of these shows where he does conference calls.

00:51:03.000 We haven't done a podcast in, I don't know, months.

00:51:06.000 And then I asked him recently, he's like, yeah, I'm on the road for 17 weeks.

00:51:10.000 And I'm like, are you fucking serious?

00:51:12.000 He's on the road for 17 weeks in a row?

00:51:14.000 17 weeks in a row.

00:51:15.000 Oh my god.

00:51:16.000 Does he come home at all?

00:51:17.000 Probably a day, maybe, at all.

00:51:19.000 Wow.

00:51:20.000 Hefron's an animal.

00:51:20.000 Yeah.

00:51:21.000 He's a road animal.

00:51:22.000 Have you had an episode that you couldn't show for whatever reason?

00:51:25.000 Like, was there an evidence scene, a body, or anything like that?

00:51:28.000 Yeah, we do get a lot of crime scene situations.

00:51:31.000 Like, you'll...

00:51:31.000 I mean, I personally have not on the show.

00:51:34.000 I mean, privately, we've found a lot.

00:51:35.000 Right.

00:51:36.000 One of the other guys on there, he had one the other day that...

00:51:39.000 This guy, Corey Chalmers, who's also on Hoarders, and he went into a job, was cleaning the house, and they found the lady's husband wrapped up in a...

00:51:47.000 He'd been dead for, like, five years.

00:51:49.000 Oh, my God.

00:51:50.000 And she just didn't get around to calling the cops.

00:51:52.000 Whoa.

00:51:52.000 But in her mind, in a hoarder's mind, that makes total sense.

00:51:57.000 Tomorrow, I'm going to call.

00:51:59.000 Tomorrow, I'm going to do this.

00:52:01.000 When I talked about that mental violence earlier, it's that mental violence.

00:52:04.000 There's so much going on in their head that they can't...

00:52:07.000 I had a lady, she told me, her mind is a massive spreadsheet, Excel spreadsheet.

00:52:13.000 And she says, it's as many columns and as many rows as it can go.

00:52:17.000 And she goes, it's not that I can't let go of something.

00:52:20.000 She goes, I have to check it off.

00:52:21.000 And she starts back up at one.

00:52:23.000 So the problem is she might get through a thousand things in one day and only 600 of them got checked off and this is all in her mind.

00:52:30.000 But when she wakes up the next morning, she's got to start back at number one.

00:52:34.000 And she's added another 5,000 things on the bottom of the screen.

00:52:37.000 Her mind is working that hard.

00:52:39.000 So for this lady, her husband died.

00:52:41.000 She wrapped him in a damn shower curtain.

00:52:44.000 And she's like, okay, I better call.

00:52:46.000 Jesus Christ.

00:52:47.000 This is not bullshit.

00:52:49.000 This is real life, guys.

00:52:50.000 This is what happens in a hoarder's mind.

00:52:52.000 You don't see it in a half hour show.

00:52:54.000 I think it's fascinating.

00:52:56.000 Is there a medical term?

00:52:59.000 Fucking crazy, probably, is the town that most people use.

00:53:02.000 Fucking crazy.

00:53:03.000 They're not crazy.

00:53:04.000 And I hate that word crazy.

00:53:05.000 They're not crazy.

00:53:06.000 It's a mental disorder.

00:53:07.000 What are you talking about?

00:53:08.000 They're fucking crazy.

00:53:09.000 You just said it.

00:53:10.000 Don't say that there's anything wrong with being crazy because I'm crazy.

00:53:12.000 I think we're all a little crazy.

00:53:15.000 Everyone that I like is crazy.

00:53:18.000 Every single person that I like is crazy.

00:53:20.000 That's a goddamn fact.

00:53:21.000 They're just nice.

00:53:22.000 They're crazy and nice.

00:53:23.000 If you're not a little crazy, you haven't done anything.

00:53:25.000 You're boring and I have no value.

00:53:26.000 Try to tell me Joey Diaz isn't crazy.

00:53:28.000 Try to tell me Duncan isn't crazy.

00:53:30.000 Try to tell me you're not crazy, bitch.

00:53:32.000 Crazy.

00:53:33.000 That's crazy.

00:53:34.000 You stuck me in the room.

00:53:34.000 You got a fucking...

00:53:34.000 37 years old.

00:53:36.000 You got a clock that makes cat noises.

00:53:39.000 I did see a cat clock over there.

00:53:41.000 Yeah, he's got a goddamn...

00:53:42.000 I've seen a few of those.

00:53:43.000 There's 50 cats in front of you, too.

00:53:47.000 The logo is a cat here.

00:53:48.000 One of the old...

00:53:49.000 The old hoarder's joke is, I hate cats so much I won't eat pussy anymore.

00:53:54.000 Oh, that's so rude.

00:53:55.000 You just get so sick of it, man.

00:53:56.000 You just haven't had a good cat.

00:53:58.000 Get full bread.

00:53:59.000 Why do you hate cats so much?

00:54:01.000 What is it about?

00:54:01.000 The smell, man.

00:54:02.000 The smell just...

00:54:03.000 Well, you're seeing the worst case scenarios, you know?

00:54:06.000 Yeah, I'm associated with hoarder.

00:54:07.000 I mean, cats...

00:54:07.000 From my house, my cat's nice.

00:54:09.000 Cats exemplify, for a hoarder, they exemplify easy love.

00:54:13.000 It's the easiest way to get love.

00:54:14.000 It's easier investing in a human relationship.

00:54:17.000 And a cat is a survivor.

00:54:18.000 Cats will scrap to any level.

00:54:21.000 They will not die.

00:54:22.000 For a cat to die naturally, a human couldn't live to that extreme.

00:54:25.000 Do cats eat other cats?

00:54:26.000 Absolutely.

00:54:27.000 The minute a cat dies, the other guy's going to eat you.

00:54:30.000 Totally.

00:54:31.000 So we'll find a bunch of their eyes are eating out and their intestines are all eating out.

00:54:35.000 Cats are scravengers, man.

00:54:36.000 They're just trying to eat.

00:54:37.000 Oh my god.

00:54:38.000 So that's common.

00:54:39.000 It changes it for you, yeah.

00:54:40.000 We had an animal expert tell me one time, she's like, you know when a cat's up there licking your face when you're asleep?

00:54:45.000 It's literally waiting for your last breath.

00:54:48.000 It doesn't love you.

00:54:49.000 It's not there to hang out with you.

00:54:51.000 It's there to fucking kill you.

00:54:52.000 How many people get eaten by their cats after they die?

00:54:54.000 Is that like super common?

00:54:55.000 I'm sure there's a bunch.

00:54:57.000 I don't know.

00:54:58.000 I bet it is pretty common, right?

00:55:00.000 Dogs also, though.

00:55:01.000 Dogs do that as well?

00:55:02.000 They eat people when they die?

00:55:03.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:55:04.000 If a dog's left in an apartment with only you to eat...

00:55:08.000 They're going to eat you.

00:55:09.000 It goes back to my boy Ronnie.

00:55:11.000 I mean, you got to do what you got to do to survive.

00:55:15.000 Cats are going to do the same thing.

00:55:16.000 Animals will do it.

00:55:16.000 So are people, man.

00:55:17.000 You got to do what you got to do.

00:55:18.000 And when you're pushed to that limit, you got to do what you got to do.

00:55:21.000 Remind me not to piss that guy off.

00:55:22.000 You know what?

00:55:23.000 He stays in solitary for five years thinking about kicking a dude's ass.

00:55:26.000 I did Stern the other day, and he was like, man, you must be a really tough guy.

00:55:29.000 And I was like, nope, my guys are.

00:55:31.000 I'm not.

00:55:32.000 I was like, I've never thrown a fist.

00:55:33.000 I've never thrown a punch in my life, but I don't have to because I got some really tough dudes behind me.

00:55:38.000 If you're a douchebag, most of the time you're never going to have to hit anybody.

00:55:41.000 If you're not a douchebag, rather.

00:55:43.000 If you're a nice person, how often is it really going to come up?

00:55:47.000 I hope never.

00:55:50.000 Most likely.

00:55:51.000 My wife's going to fucking hit me before someone else gets a chance.

00:55:55.000 Does she throw?

00:55:55.000 She would, yeah.

00:55:56.000 She's a tough girl.

00:55:57.000 She's a very tough girl.

00:55:59.000 Now, you were in the ditch.

00:56:01.000 You got beat up by this fucking guy.

00:56:03.000 Now, how do you go from that to cleaning crazy people's houses up?

00:56:07.000 You'll laugh.

00:56:07.000 For me, I actually, I wanted to, I really enjoy old people.

00:56:11.000 I think their stories are fascinating.

00:56:13.000 And so I actually wanted to start a senior relocation business, which is moving old ladies.

00:56:17.000 And I was like, that'll be neat.

00:56:18.000 You get to sit down with them, sort through their stuff, hear their stories.

00:56:22.000 For me, it was the Greek thing.

00:56:23.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:56:23.000 You were, like, seeking out the stories of old ladies?

00:56:26.000 Yes, they're fascinating.

00:56:27.000 Old ladies that, like, their husbands have died in the war.

00:56:30.000 They never got remarried.

00:56:31.000 They have all this cool shit.

00:56:32.000 Their stories are fascinating.

00:56:33.000 Really?

00:56:33.000 Like, amazing.

00:56:34.000 I always thought that'd be a cool podcast, just to have one old lady from a neighborhood each week to just come in.

00:56:38.000 That would depress the fuck out of me.

00:56:39.000 No, like, this one lady down the street from me, I was helping her clean her garage out, and her husband had died, and he had just died of Alzheimer's.

00:56:46.000 It was really sad.

00:56:48.000 And we start talking, and I realized she had a tattoo on her wrist, some numbers.

00:56:52.000 And I was like, oh, she was a concentration camp.

00:56:55.000 And I was like, do you mind me asking about that?

00:56:56.000 And she's like, oh, sure.

00:56:57.000 And she starts talking, and she clearly describes the dude.

00:57:02.000 I mean, her husband, her father, it's ironic, her father and her brother died in the concentration camps.

00:57:07.000 But she met her husband there, in a concentration camp.

00:57:10.000 Wow.

00:57:10.000 They get to America.

00:57:11.000 They re-find each other in America.

00:57:13.000 They have 50 years together, all that.

00:57:15.000 He dies of Alzheimer's.

00:57:16.000 And she said, I can still, she goes, I could pick out the guy, the U.S. soldier that opened the door to our, to whatever, you know, the box they were in.

00:57:24.000 She goes, I can see the day we were saved.

00:57:26.000 And it was about a 30-minute story explaining this guy.

00:57:29.000 And she's the minute that I realized we were free.

00:57:31.000 And like those stories to me are fucking amazing, right?

00:57:35.000 Amazing.

00:57:35.000 And then she was upset because her husband died from Alzheimer's and she's like, I mean this 80 year old lady basically saying to me, fuck Alzheimer's.

00:57:40.000 I mean we beat Hitler and we beat everything and now this damn disease takes my husband.

00:57:47.000 It was a very honest and very just fascinating moment.

00:57:50.000 And so for me, like, I love shit like that.

00:57:52.000 And so that's why I wanted to hang out with the old ladies.

00:57:54.000 Like, my generation, I ain't gonna have anything like that, man.

00:57:58.000 Like, that's, I mean, she saw cars.

00:58:01.000 She saw, like, you know, I mean, bathrooms.

00:58:04.000 Did she talk about that?

00:58:05.000 Yeah, she didn't talk about anything.

00:58:06.000 If you ask, they will talk.

00:58:08.000 But they're not pretentious like us.

00:58:10.000 They're not gonna tell you shit.

00:58:11.000 If you ask, they will answer.

00:58:13.000 So when did you get into this hobby of talking to old ladies about the past?

00:58:18.000 It's kind of trippy.

00:58:19.000 My grandpa always got...

00:58:22.000 It makes sense.

00:58:23.000 I think they're fascinating.

00:58:24.000 I think it's interesting.

00:58:25.000 I'm not a big reader.

00:58:27.000 I'm a listener.

00:58:28.000 That's why the podcast is so good for me.

00:58:29.000 I love listening to stuff.

00:58:30.000 I love fascinating stories.

00:58:32.000 I lived actually the first year out of college.

00:58:34.000 My mom moved to England.

00:58:36.000 So I lived in her apartment.

00:58:38.000 And it was in a retirement community.

00:58:39.000 So my first year out of college...

00:58:41.000 I was the only dude under like 60. Did any of them try to bang you?

00:58:44.000 One guy did.

00:58:45.000 A guy did?

00:58:46.000 No, I'm kidding.

00:58:47.000 How much did he pay you?

00:58:49.000 100 bucks, 100 bucks.

00:58:52.000 So you went from that?

00:58:55.000 Well, I went and I tried.

00:58:56.000 And the thing was, in my town, there was a business that was very good at senior relocation.

00:59:03.000 And I could never beat them.

00:59:05.000 I couldn't compete against them.

00:59:06.000 So for me, it was totally a business decision.

00:59:07.000 I went to this competitor and I said, what do you not do?

00:59:10.000 She goes, we won't clean the messy ones.

00:59:12.000 And I was like, well, that's what I'm going to do.

00:59:13.000 Whoa.

00:59:14.000 And so it was strictly, I couldn't beat this woman in business, the lady that owned the bigger company.

00:59:19.000 So I had to just do what she didn't do.

00:59:22.000 Wow, how clever are you?

00:59:24.000 That's a pragmatic dude.

00:59:25.000 My grandpa was always, he just said, you find out what no one wants to do and then do that.

00:59:31.000 And they'll pay you a lot of money.

00:59:32.000 Your grandfather and your father gave you the fucking worst advice ever.

00:59:36.000 I think it's great advice.

00:59:37.000 But it was great advice.

00:59:38.000 But they were like, listen kid, you're not good looking.

00:59:40.000 You fucking do what nobody else is willing to do.

00:59:42.000 You know what?

00:59:42.000 I'm glad I found that out at 14 and not at 44. I know, but it's so funny.

00:59:46.000 That's kind of broken to say to your son.

00:59:48.000 The brutal frankness.

00:59:50.000 Listen, my jeans suck, so do yours.

00:59:52.000 Let's skip past that.

00:59:54.000 Pretty much.

00:59:54.000 That's rude.

00:59:55.000 He's like, it is what it is, let's move on.

00:59:57.000 Wow.

00:59:57.000 Get on strategy on what you can do.

00:59:58.000 So do you have a lot of self-confidence issues because of this?

01:00:01.000 No, I'm very confident.

01:00:02.000 Yeah, he was telling you earlier, that's what his dad told him.

01:00:05.000 I mean, no, about your looks.

01:00:07.000 If you're interested in my looks, you totally missed the point.

01:00:10.000 Like, I'm not handsome.

01:00:13.000 See, look.

01:00:13.000 Right there.

01:00:14.000 You said you're not handsome.

01:00:15.000 Why don't you think?

01:00:16.000 You're a very handsome man.

01:00:17.000 Well, thank you.

01:00:18.000 You're not a bad looking dude.

01:00:19.000 You're not freakishly ugly.

01:00:20.000 No.

01:00:20.000 So that's what's important.

01:00:21.000 That's all you need.

01:00:22.000 You look clean cut and nice.

01:00:23.000 Have a great personality and don't be freakishly ugly.

01:00:26.000 I've never...

01:00:27.000 I did fine.

01:00:29.000 I've never gone without a nice-looking woman, and they were never attracted to my looks.

01:00:34.000 They were attracted to my confidence in what I do.

01:00:36.000 What I actually do for people.

01:00:39.000 You should be in a Tom Cruise movie.

01:00:39.000 He could be in Magnolia.

01:00:40.000 He could be one of the guys that Tom Cruise created.

01:00:43.000 I don't know how tall Tom Cruise is, but I hear that I'm like 5'2", so he might be bigger than that.

01:00:48.000 Let me tell you, you're a lot fucking bigger than I thought you were going to be.

01:00:51.000 Okay, that sounds weird.

01:00:55.000 He's got thickness to it, too.

01:00:57.000 I'm so excited to see you, man.

01:00:59.000 I like girth to that.

01:01:01.000 Yeah, I was really excited to talk to you, man.

01:01:04.000 For sure.

01:01:04.000 Is this the kind of stuff you wanted to talk to?

01:01:07.000 Oh, anything, man.

01:01:08.000 I get blown away by this stuff.

01:01:09.000 I'm fascinated by your past, for sure.

01:01:11.000 I love the stories of people feeling that they're going crazy and then pulling themselves out.

01:01:15.000 I've been really lucky with my addictions in the past, but I certainly know that I'm susceptible.

01:01:20.000 That's why I stay away from video games.

01:01:22.000 I've never really gambled.

01:01:23.000 Yeah, I've never played video games.

01:01:24.000 The only thing I've ever gambled on was playing pool, and I was never good enough to win any money or to be a threat.

01:01:30.000 Old school pool hall guys are dangerous, man.

01:01:33.000 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:01:34.000 But I knew, what I'm saying is I knew what I was capable of, so I don't have a big enough ego to get roped in.

01:01:40.000 One of the ways that guys get roped in is you'll play a guy and he'll barely lose to you, and then he'll start trying to raise the stakes, or he'll barely beat you, and you think that he got lucky.

01:01:49.000 You think you're ahead.

01:01:51.000 Yeah, and you think you can get back at him.

01:01:52.000 So he drags you into this deep water, and then all of a sudden he starts running out, and then he starts playing Perfect Pool, and you're like, what the fuck just happened?

01:01:58.000 Oh, you just got hustled.

01:01:59.000 He pretended to be a certain level, and really he was much better than that.

01:02:03.000 I was always real aware that I wasn't that good, so you couldn't do that to me.

01:02:08.000 I knew exactly how good I was at all times.

01:02:11.000 Your bullshit detector is greater than your urge to...

01:02:16.000 To gamble.

01:02:17.000 Well, yeah.

01:02:18.000 You got a bigger high off of calling that guy out than you did off of beating him.

01:02:23.000 Well, yeah.

01:02:24.000 Not even just calling him out.

01:02:25.000 Just being aware that someone's busted moves.

01:02:27.000 Being aware that there's some fuckery is going down.

01:02:30.000 Yeah, but I go back to the self-worth.

01:02:33.000 I think everything in life is about trying to get self-worth.

01:02:35.000 Trying to get attention and...

01:02:37.000 What am I? Me, me, me, me.

01:02:38.000 So for you, you got more credit in your own head for calling that guy out and figuring out the situation than you would've for beating him.

01:02:45.000 Probably.

01:02:45.000 I never thought of it that way.

01:02:47.000 I always just thought of it as like a natural survival instinct.

01:02:50.000 Well, yeah.

01:02:50.000 I mean, you know, like you could...

01:02:53.000 I mean, like in a fight, I always say it's one thing to quit and it's another to strategically stop.

01:03:01.000 If I'm fighting one of your buddies...

01:03:04.000 That's not quitting.

01:03:05.000 That's strategically stopping.

01:03:06.000 I know I'm going to die if I don't stop.

01:03:09.000 If I just run away...

01:03:10.000 Well, the idea...

01:03:11.000 Saying don't quit is really stupid because that means one guy's going to probably beat the other guy to death.

01:03:15.000 Is that really necessary?

01:03:17.000 I mean, how mad are you at somebody?

01:03:18.000 I mean, I can understand if someone's trying to kill you and you're using self-defense, using martial arts, and you beat someone to death.

01:03:23.000 I understand that.

01:03:24.000 Some guy tries to rob you and he pulls a knife on you.

01:03:27.000 And you get the knife away from that guy and you beat him to death, I'm with you.

01:03:30.000 I'm on your side.

01:03:31.000 100%.

01:03:31.000 But that's not what you want to do most of the time when you get in a fight with someone.

01:03:34.000 You're just mad.

01:03:35.000 You don't want to beat anybody to death.

01:03:36.000 It's never the guy you're beating up.

01:03:37.000 So there's a good time to stop and say you're sorry.

01:03:40.000 And when a dude's fucking pounding on you...

01:03:42.000 And that guy should let you go, and you should say you're sorry, and that guy should let you go, and everybody should be cool about it.

01:03:47.000 And that's how it should go down.

01:03:49.000 You know, that's the correct way is to quit.

01:03:51.000 To me, it's always a balance of, like, how do you get that self-worth that you give yourself credit for it, and then you move on.

01:03:59.000 And don't get in arguments where you're right, but the other guy can kick your ass.

01:04:03.000 Yeah.

01:04:04.000 Oh, dude, you're totally right.

01:04:05.000 Don't get in those arguments, man.

01:04:07.000 That's not...

01:04:08.000 Especially if you think it might get physical.

01:04:09.000 Yeah.

01:04:11.000 I don't know.

01:04:12.000 Human conflict, man, it would be a lot better if most people knew how to fight.

01:04:17.000 I feel I'm not a big fan of gun control, and I feel, especially in this day and age, that there are so many guns out there that...

01:04:26.000 For you to try to say that guns shouldn't be available for civilians, to me seems preposterous.

01:04:31.000 It seems to me that, you know, you can't control the population in periods of civil unrest.

01:04:36.000 We know that's true.

01:04:37.000 We know that you're saying that a family should be completely vulnerable in cases where things go terribly wrong, with home invasions and things along those lines.

01:04:46.000 Fuck you.

01:04:46.000 That's ridiculous.

01:04:47.000 I'm not a big fan of that.

01:04:49.000 But you personally, do you have guns?

01:04:50.000 Yes.

01:04:50.000 Yes, I have guns.

01:04:51.000 Yeah.

01:04:52.000 But, you know, I'm also not a fan of shooting people.

01:04:54.000 You know, I don't think you should go around killing people if you don't have to.

01:04:58.000 But, you know, someone stepping in to tell you that you shouldn't have guns, you shouldn't be able to protect yourself.

01:05:05.000 Yeah, it's the not having the right to do it.

01:05:07.000 Yeah.

01:05:07.000 And you can take that across anywhere.

01:05:09.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:05:10.000 I don't want to have an abortion, but I don't want to not have the right to either.

01:05:13.000 Exactly.

01:05:14.000 Not to get into that.

01:05:15.000 Are you preggers?

01:05:16.000 Yeah, I am preggers.

01:05:17.000 It's been the first trial.

01:05:18.000 I don't even remember how we got on the subject of guns.

01:05:20.000 What were we talking about when we got on the subject of guns?

01:05:24.000 It's a passionate issue.

01:05:26.000 Yeah, and I try not to get into politics ever.

01:05:28.000 It's not even a politics thing to me.

01:05:30.000 It's personal liberty.

01:05:31.000 I am not a fan of anyone coming along and telling you what to do.

01:05:35.000 As long as what you're doing is not hurting me and not fucking up the environment, you're not polluting the world, you're not killing puppies.

01:05:42.000 Go have fun.

01:05:43.000 That comes up in hoarding a lot.

01:05:44.000 They're like, just leave me alone.

01:05:45.000 I'm happy.

01:05:46.000 Just let me be.

01:05:48.000 I'm happy to tuck in diapers.

01:05:49.000 Yeah, but I'm like, you live in...

01:05:51.000 I just took 45,000 pounds of shit out of your house.

01:05:54.000 Your own shit.

01:05:55.000 How do you weigh it like that?

01:05:56.000 By the dumpster.

01:05:57.000 Yeah, by the ton.

01:05:58.000 It's in a dumpster.

01:05:59.000 Did you really pull off 45,000 pounds of human shit?

01:06:01.000 That's only 20 tons.

01:06:03.000 Wow.

01:06:04.000 That's like what?

01:06:05.000 Dude, these people just don't like toilets?

01:06:08.000 45,000 pounds of human shit in a guy's house?

01:06:11.000 That doesn't even make sense to me.

01:06:12.000 I'm not even registering that.

01:06:13.000 That's like three of these rooms full.

01:06:16.000 To the roof.

01:06:18.000 Wow.

01:06:19.000 It's a lot of shit though.

01:06:19.000 Think how big your shit is.

01:06:21.000 Oh my god.

01:06:22.000 45,000 pounds of shit.

01:06:24.000 It's years.

01:06:25.000 I always say it's commitment.

01:06:26.000 It's 10 years.

01:06:26.000 What does that smell for the neighborhood?

01:06:28.000 It's a very...

01:06:29.000 You smell it.

01:06:30.000 I mean, it's a very citrusy...

01:06:32.000 It's very orange.

01:06:34.000 It's like orange chocolate.

01:06:36.000 Is this guy in an orchard in his yard?

01:06:38.000 It's very citrusy.

01:06:39.000 Where's this lemony smell coming from?

01:06:42.000 The acid breaks down to be more orangey, chocolatey.

01:06:44.000 That's crazy.

01:06:45.000 For real?

01:06:46.000 Are you being serious?

01:06:47.000 I swear to God, I'm not fucking with you.

01:06:48.000 Orangey?

01:06:49.000 It's very citrusy.

01:06:49.000 So it doesn't even smell bad?

01:06:51.000 Not to me.

01:06:52.000 What?

01:06:53.000 The urine is what throws me off.

01:06:55.000 The urine will just fucking kill anything.

01:06:57.000 Bird shit is the worst.

01:06:59.000 Urate.

01:07:00.000 It's not actually shit.

01:07:01.000 It's like an acid.

01:07:02.000 It's called urate.

01:07:03.000 Urate.

01:07:03.000 I had a lady that was a parrot hoarder.

01:07:05.000 Oh, God.

01:07:06.000 Man, that was disgusting.

01:07:07.000 Oh, my God.

01:07:08.000 A parrot hoarder.

01:07:09.000 That's dangerous.

01:07:11.000 This is a cult.

01:07:12.000 It's an Owen Brothers movie, man.

01:07:13.000 No, man.

01:07:13.000 I mean, I've seen it all, man.

01:07:15.000 Like, this was a great story.

01:07:16.000 She had, like, 80...

01:07:17.000 I think she had 86 birds.

01:07:19.000 Oh, my God.

01:07:19.000 And I had to take them...

01:07:21.000 I had to transport them to a hotel for the vet to look at them.

01:07:25.000 And so these are...

01:07:26.000 I mean, this is her life, right?

01:07:28.000 Fascinating woman.

01:07:29.000 Like, we thought she was a bitch.

01:07:30.000 Like, she was just so angry.

01:07:32.000 And she loved these birds.

01:07:33.000 At the point, her husband was in a wheelchair.

01:07:35.000 And he couldn't...

01:07:36.000 He was ready to come home from the hospital, but he couldn't come to the home because of all the stuff.

01:07:41.000 We're like, what a bitch.

01:07:42.000 What a horrible person.

01:07:44.000 The first night, we transport all the birds to the hotel.

01:07:47.000 I'm driving a U-Haul through Seattle.

01:07:50.000 This is two years ago.

01:07:52.000 I'm still making $12 an hour cleaning up shit at home.

01:07:56.000 I think I did it for $500 the whole show, like a whole episode.

01:07:59.000 And I was like, 500 bucks is more than I've made in a year.

01:08:02.000 So I was so excited.

01:08:03.000 Driving a U-Haul with 86 birds.

01:08:05.000 I get to the vet and I only have 84 birds.

01:08:09.000 Two of them died in transport.

01:08:11.000 Oh, jeez.

01:08:12.000 And this lady, this is her life, right?

01:08:15.000 Later we found out as we cleaned more and more, she refused to talk to me.

01:08:18.000 We have a therapist on set always to make sure that their mental health is just as strong as their physical health.

01:08:24.000 And the more the therapist started talking, I was like, I don't think she likes men, period.

01:08:27.000 And the more I found out, it turns out her husband beat the shit out of her.

01:08:30.000 And that's why she had built this wall.

01:08:32.000 She didn't want to clean the house up.

01:08:33.000 So he didn't, he was coming back from the hospital.

01:08:35.000 She didn't want to.

01:08:36.000 She didn't want to come in because she's going to beat the shit out of her again.

01:08:38.000 And so we were like, oh, we're done.

01:08:40.000 So we didn't clean the house.

01:08:41.000 We left it messy for her.

01:08:42.000 Because at that point, the worst thing we could do for her is clean the house.

01:08:45.000 Right.

01:08:46.000 And we really slowed down.

01:08:48.000 Drastically.

01:08:48.000 We just cleaned the garage.

01:08:50.000 Because I don't want to get them in the house.

01:08:52.000 Bummer when you see people completely fucked up, isn't it?

01:08:55.000 It does make you feel better about your own life.

01:08:57.000 I'll say that.

01:08:58.000 You realize.

01:08:58.000 And that's why people watch our show.

01:09:00.000 Well, people watch your show for the water cooler talk.

01:09:03.000 You sit around the water and go, did you fucking see the cats?

01:09:07.000 When you hear about 45,000 pounds of shit, do you actually show the shit?

01:09:11.000 Yeah, you see me picking it up.

01:09:12.000 You see me shoveling it.

01:09:13.000 Shoveling human shit.

01:09:13.000 They show the dead cats with fucking holes on them.

01:09:16.000 Cats is one thing.

01:09:17.000 You very rarely see human shit on TV. They'll show it smeared against the wall.

01:09:21.000 There's one shot of me on the internet where I'm just sitting there pointing at a diaper and there's shit smeared all behind the wall behind me.

01:09:30.000 I was like, wow, I can't believe they put that on there.

01:09:32.000 Oh my god.

01:09:32.000 People post it all over Facebook and everything.

01:09:34.000 Well, you guys are on A&E, right?

01:09:35.000 We're A&E, Monday nights at 9. A&E has, it's cable, and cable's not subject to FCC regulations.

01:09:41.000 A lot of people don't know that.

01:09:43.000 That's why shows like The Shield got away with being so crazy.

01:09:46.000 And Louis, Louis C.K. show, it gets away with being so crazy.

01:09:50.000 They're not really, people think that only HBO is allowed to swear.

01:09:55.000 Really, cable's allowed to swear.

01:09:56.000 They're not really regulated by the FCC because they're a pay service.

01:10:00.000 We edit out a lot on Hoarders, obviously.

01:10:02.000 There's a lot of stuff we just don't show.

01:10:03.000 I'm sure.

01:10:03.000 Would you like to show it?

01:10:05.000 Yeah.

01:10:05.000 I mean, if it was my show, I would change it up a little bit.

01:10:07.000 Like what?

01:10:08.000 I would get more into the...

01:10:10.000 I mean, I would get into the...

01:10:11.000 Like, instead of showing a before and after, I would put a half hour on the decision to shit in the oven.

01:10:17.000 Making an hour show.

01:10:17.000 Whoa.

01:10:18.000 Yeah.

01:10:18.000 Like, let's really dig into...

01:10:20.000 How bad is your life?

01:10:21.000 Don't sugarcoat that you got raped by your uncle.

01:10:24.000 Like, just fucking say it.

01:10:25.000 Like, I didn't know how bad physical and sexual abuse is in this country.

01:10:29.000 Like, it's rampant still, man.

01:10:30.000 I had no idea.

01:10:31.000 And, like, let's get into it, and, like, let's not...

01:10:34.000 I mean, we show a lot.

01:10:35.000 That's what's the cause of all this horror stuff.

01:10:36.000 A lot of times, if you see shit on the wall, they got raped as a kid.

01:10:39.000 I mean, like, it's awful.

01:10:40.000 Like, now I walk into the house, I'll be like, oh, who raped you?

01:10:42.000 Your uncle or your dad?

01:10:43.000 Well, I did that one time, and the lady's like, oh, it was my uncle.

01:10:45.000 How'd you know?

01:10:46.000 And I was like, oh fuck, that's real.

01:10:48.000 Wow.

01:10:49.000 And it was a joke almost.

01:10:50.000 It was a bad joke, but it was a joke.

01:10:51.000 That's how you crack jokes when you go over to people's house and stare at their smeared shit.

01:10:54.000 Who raped ya?

01:10:55.000 Here's the deal.

01:10:58.000 You're always taking a leap of faith with a rape joke, but I've found out...

01:11:02.000 That's going to be someone's signature on a message board.

01:11:05.000 Oh, God.

01:11:06.000 You're always going to take a leap.

01:11:07.000 I'm always embarrassed when they post that stuff because A&E doesn't listen to the podcast.

01:11:10.000 Someone will post that.

01:11:12.000 They'll post, it's always take a leap of faith on a rape joke.

01:11:14.000 Listen, all they need to do is listen to the podcast.

01:11:16.000 How do you deal with that on NBC? I don't give a fuck.

01:11:19.000 You just don't give a shit.

01:11:20.000 I give it 100%.

01:11:21.000 I don't give a fuck sauce.

01:11:23.000 At this point, I am who I am.

01:11:25.000 If you don't know what you're getting involved with, I'm a good person.

01:11:28.000 I'm a nice guy.

01:11:29.000 But I'm honest.

01:11:31.000 I don't hold it back.

01:11:33.000 I'm brutally honest.

01:11:34.000 I am there to help them.

01:11:35.000 I will do it in a different style.

01:11:37.000 Yeah.

01:11:38.000 I mean, I will always...

01:11:39.000 You should be able to say whatever you want on your message board, on a blog, on a video.

01:11:43.000 They definitely police it a little bit, but they're pretty good with me.

01:11:45.000 They're pretty good to me.

01:11:46.000 Well, your stories are so fascinating.

01:11:48.000 I mean, no one should put any restrictions on you.

01:11:50.000 You have the best intentions in mind.

01:11:52.000 Oh, I ended my day.

01:11:54.000 I want to help you.

01:11:54.000 I want to help someone, period.

01:11:55.000 But when you hear a guy like you talk about how there was one point in time you're thinking about sucking a dick for money, I mean, that's...

01:12:00.000 I ain't the first guy that thought that.

01:12:02.000 Of course you're not.

01:12:03.000 Of course you're not.

01:12:03.000 And it's important.

01:12:05.000 When someone meets a guy like you and sees you got your shit together, that's a good lesson for someone to learn.

01:12:10.000 My wife doesn't love that story.

01:12:12.000 I bet she doesn't, man.

01:12:13.000 I bet she doesn't.

01:12:14.000 But hey, I mean, it's reality.

01:12:16.000 It doesn't make you gay.

01:12:17.000 It means you were a fucking desperado.

01:12:18.000 I think once you suck a dick, that makes you gay.

01:12:20.000 For sure?

01:12:21.000 Yes.

01:12:21.000 What if a guy sucks your dick?

01:12:24.000 I, um...

01:12:26.000 Yeah.

01:12:27.000 You think so?

01:12:28.000 I don't know.

01:12:28.000 There was a guy that came back from Iraq.

01:12:30.000 I mean, I've had a lot.

01:12:31.000 I've had some women that were pretty awful that sucked my dick.

01:12:33.000 Really?

01:12:34.000 They were, like, manly?

01:12:35.000 Just gross.

01:12:36.000 Disgusting.

01:12:37.000 Disgusting.

01:12:37.000 But they're still feminine.

01:12:38.000 They still had double X chromosome.

01:12:40.000 Yeah, but that's it.

01:12:41.000 I mean, that's all.

01:12:42.000 I mean, technically, they were...

01:12:43.000 So you're not proud of that?

01:12:45.000 You would be more proud of that than a guy sucking your dick, or no?

01:12:49.000 I mean, getting your dick sucked is getting your dick sucked.

01:12:52.000 I don't know if that's really the case.

01:12:53.000 I'm never worried about the quality of the dick sucking when it's happening.

01:12:56.000 No, I could give a shit.

01:12:57.000 I'm very concerned with the quality.

01:12:59.000 There's nothing worse than a horrible, horrendous...

01:13:01.000 No, Mary.

01:13:02.000 A horrendous blowjob is a terrible thing.

01:13:05.000 No one should have to suffer through that.

01:13:07.000 Well, I did have one bad one.

01:13:09.000 How could you not have one bad one?

01:13:10.000 I had one bad one and she was like...

01:13:11.000 What kind of life are you living?

01:13:12.000 She thought it was like...

01:13:14.000 She thought...

01:13:14.000 I mean, not as good as that.

01:13:15.000 If you haven't had one crazy blow, at least a few shitty ones.

01:13:19.000 She was like...

01:13:20.000 She thought she was great.

01:13:21.000 Clearly people told her she was wonderful and it was clearly not.

01:13:23.000 What was she doing wrong?

01:13:24.000 She was like...

01:13:25.000 Too much biting and too much...

01:13:27.000 Too much teeth.

01:13:28.000 It's all about too much teeth.

01:13:29.000 That's all it is.

01:13:29.000 Who likes teeth?

01:13:30.000 Is there a guy out there that likes you to bite his dick?

01:13:32.000 No, but the second I feel teeth, it's game over.

01:13:34.000 I always say, if you're thinking teeth, think finger in the asshole.

01:13:38.000 Yeah.

01:13:38.000 It's easier.

01:13:39.000 Fingernail in the asshole.

01:13:41.000 Yeah?

01:13:41.000 Yeah.

01:13:42.000 When you go to your house, is your house now like super...

01:13:44.000 Trust me on that, yeah.

01:13:45.000 Say that again.

01:13:46.000 If you're out there and you're going to suck some guy's dick, talking to the ladies.

01:13:50.000 Right, ladies.

01:13:51.000 Don't bite it.

01:13:52.000 Don't bite it.

01:13:52.000 Just play with his asshole instead.

01:13:54.000 Play with his asshole instead.

01:13:55.000 You'll be much...

01:13:56.000 Very uncomfortable.

01:13:57.000 You'll be much happier.

01:13:57.000 Fingernails.

01:13:58.000 I'm not asking you to do that.

01:13:59.000 I'm giving advice to the ladies.

01:14:01.000 That's what you like.

01:14:02.000 Yes, that's what I like.

01:14:03.000 If you're giving me a blowjob, but you're not.

01:14:04.000 Touch his butthole, please.

01:14:05.000 Touch my butthole.

01:14:06.000 Wow.

01:14:07.000 There you go.

01:14:07.000 This is amazing.

01:14:08.000 Now you know.

01:14:09.000 You know, homeboy's honest.

01:14:10.000 So when you go to your A&E right now, the fucking switchboards are lighting up.

01:14:15.000 Do you know that Mac Paston, he's asking people to play with his butthole?

01:14:19.000 Do you know that?

01:14:21.000 He represents your network.

01:14:23.000 Do you know that?

01:14:23.000 Hey, I bet you 18 to 24 would prefer that.

01:14:27.000 18 to 24?

01:14:28.000 Yeah, the age demographic.

01:14:28.000 Is that the good age demographic?

01:14:30.000 Apparently that's what it is.

01:14:31.000 I thought it's 18 to 49 is where the money is, right?

01:14:33.000 It's male, 18 to 49, they spend the most money.

01:14:36.000 You know who spends the most money?

01:14:37.000 Gay dudes.

01:14:37.000 Most of them don't have kids.

01:14:38.000 Dinks.

01:14:39.000 Dinks do?

01:14:40.000 Dual income, no kids.

01:14:41.000 That's what we call them.

01:14:41.000 Dinks.

01:14:42.000 Dual income, no kids.

01:14:44.000 Ton of money, man.

01:14:45.000 And marketing, that's what we call them.

01:14:46.000 Are you allowed to be...

01:14:47.000 That's not a derogatory mark.

01:14:48.000 That's a fact.

01:14:49.000 Do gay guys feel uncomfortable about that?

01:14:51.000 Dink sounds like...

01:14:52.000 Gay guys don't care about us.

01:14:54.000 They're having a good time.

01:14:55.000 Gay guys can give a shit about the rest of the world.

01:14:57.000 Gay guys are happy.

01:14:58.000 They're enjoying their life.

01:14:59.000 They don't care about what everybody else thinks.

01:15:00.000 That's a big generalization.

01:15:01.000 I bet there's a lot of gay guys with a gun in their mouth right now that disagree with you.

01:15:04.000 I actually have a lot of buddies that are gay, and they don't have time to think about us.

01:15:07.000 They're just out sucking dick and having a party.

01:15:08.000 Yeah, they're fucking nailing it all day long.

01:15:10.000 When you go to your house, is your house spotless?

01:15:13.000 Do you own a spoon that's in a glass case?

01:15:17.000 Everybody asks that.

01:15:18.000 Hand sanitizers on every wall.

01:15:20.000 Right.

01:15:21.000 I was.

01:15:22.000 My wife and I were extremely anal retentive.

01:15:24.000 We're too young.

01:15:25.000 We have a two-year-old and a five-month-old.

01:15:27.000 You can't control that.

01:15:28.000 They just take over your house.

01:15:30.000 I mean, I try to teach my kid to put the Legos in the right place and the books in the right place, and I had developed this whole system.

01:15:38.000 It's bullshit.

01:15:38.000 I mean, a two-year-old is a two-year-old.

01:15:39.000 He doesn't care.

01:15:40.000 So I've just had to accept, like, I'm going to have kids in a messy house.

01:15:43.000 It is what it is.

01:15:44.000 How do people who have kids become crazy germophobes?

01:15:47.000 How is that even possible?

01:15:49.000 Protecting them.

01:15:49.000 I don't get it, man.

01:15:50.000 I don't know.

01:15:52.000 Howie Mandel is a very nice guy.

01:15:54.000 Always liked Howie.

01:15:55.000 I used to see him a lot in LA. I'd always see him at a restaurant with John Mendoza.

01:16:00.000 This is one restaurant they frequent at.

01:16:02.000 Super nice guy.

01:16:02.000 Couldn't be a nicer guy.

01:16:04.000 But he's got that crazy thing about cleaning his hands.

01:16:07.000 He can't even give you a fist bump, man.

01:16:09.000 He stopped giving fist bumps?

01:16:11.000 He doesn't do them anymore.

01:16:11.000 He can't do them.

01:16:12.000 I have a buddy that met him and he said he did the elbow.

01:16:14.000 Oh my God.

01:16:15.000 He gives an elbow.

01:16:16.000 He used to give fist bumps.

01:16:18.000 He can't shake a hand to save his life.

01:16:19.000 No, he won't shake a hand.

01:16:20.000 Well, my friend was looking at his house.

01:16:24.000 Went to his houses for sale.

01:16:26.000 Great house.

01:16:26.000 It's perfectly clean.

01:16:27.000 Yeah.

01:16:27.000 And he didn't know that it was Howie Mandel's house.

01:16:30.000 He didn't know.

01:16:31.000 They didn't have any family pictures on the wall.

01:16:33.000 He opened up a closet.

01:16:35.000 No.

01:16:36.000 That big hand.

01:16:38.000 Then he figured it out.

01:16:39.000 That was like a glove that he would put over his face.

01:16:42.000 It wasn't big though.

01:16:43.000 It was a balloon.

01:16:44.000 He would blow it up with his nose air.

01:16:46.000 Remember?

01:16:47.000 Well, he went into his closet and it was filled with hand sanitizers.

01:16:51.000 Like a whole closet.

01:16:53.000 You don't wear your skin down.

01:16:54.000 Yeah, that much alcohol.

01:16:55.000 And his wife goes, I stopped breathing for a second.

01:16:58.000 It was like I'd seen something scary.

01:17:00.000 Like I just looked at madness.

01:17:02.000 I just went...

01:17:03.000 And then they left.

01:17:04.000 They're like, thank you, thank you, gotta go.

01:17:06.000 They knew they couldn't buy the house.

01:17:07.000 It's no different from a hoarder's mentality, except they're so focused on the messy side, the OCD, and a lot of hoarding.

01:17:13.000 How do you cure a guy like Howie Mandel?

01:17:15.000 What would you do?

01:17:16.000 You don't.

01:17:16.000 He's done.

01:17:17.000 Let him live his life, man.

01:17:18.000 Jesus Christ.

01:17:19.000 You would upset him so much.

01:17:21.000 By trying to change him?

01:17:22.000 By making him shake hands.

01:17:23.000 Just let him be, man.

01:17:24.000 Oh my God.

01:17:25.000 He's fine.

01:17:25.000 I mean, it's strange.

01:17:27.000 Well, his wife doesn't ever have to worry about him cheating.

01:17:29.000 He's never going to go anywhere.

01:17:31.000 No way.

01:17:32.000 I saw him at Caesars.

01:17:34.000 I saw him at Caesars.

01:17:34.000 He's never going to leave.

01:17:36.000 I mean, he worked a crowd.

01:17:38.000 He could always pull people from the whole audience.

01:17:41.000 And he'd give these callbacks from an hour ago.

01:17:43.000 Yeah.

01:17:44.000 Oh, he's hilarious.

01:17:45.000 God, he was good, man.

01:17:46.000 I was a kid.

01:17:47.000 I mean, I was 24 when I saw this.

01:17:49.000 I was blown away by him.

01:17:49.000 I saw Howie Mandel, I've seen a bunch of his different specials, but I had one that I was passing around to a bunch of my friends when I was like, I guess I was probably like 19 or 20. I don't think I even started comedy yet, and Howie Mandel was hilarious.

01:18:02.000 It was really funny.

01:18:04.000 How did you make that decision, I'm going to do comedy?

01:18:06.000 Like what?

01:18:07.000 I got talked into it.

01:18:09.000 I had a bunch of friends that I used to do martial arts with and make them laugh in the locker room and stuff like that.

01:18:14.000 You were always funny.

01:18:15.000 Not really.

01:18:16.000 I just would see funny shit.

01:18:18.000 Most of the time I wasn't funny, but then when I would see something funny, it would be pretty funny.

01:18:24.000 I had when you're the type of person who's sort of anti bullshit and you you you look for bullshit everywhere you go when you realize that someone's not calling this bullshit you almost feel obligated to you almost feel like you know hey what is this and a lot of times when you do that it's funny the truth is funny yeah Yeah, and that's what I realized early on.

01:18:45.000 There were certain things that I would say that would get laughs because they were honest, and then I would play on it.

01:18:50.000 I mean, I knew you from...

01:18:51.000 Of course, I knew you from Fear Factor, but I knew you from that radio.

01:18:55.000 Was it Talk Radio?

01:18:56.000 News Radio, yeah.

01:18:57.000 By the way, if you think back on it, what an amazing cast.

01:18:59.000 That was a great show.

01:19:00.000 Jesus Christ.

01:19:00.000 If there's anything that I've ever been super lucky out in this life, there's a lot of things, but one of them was News Radio.

01:19:05.000 How old were you?

01:19:05.000 I mean, that was...

01:19:06.000 I was 26, I think.

01:19:08.000 God.

01:19:08.000 It was when it first started.

01:19:09.000 I think it was 25 or 26. Maybe 27 at the latest.

01:19:12.000 I knew you from that.

01:19:14.000 Yeah.

01:19:14.000 It was 1994. That was a great show.

01:19:17.000 That was a great show.

01:19:18.000 Dude.

01:19:18.000 I had no acting experience other than a couple episodes of this other show that was on Fox.

01:19:23.000 And all of a sudden, I'm working with Phil Hartman.

01:19:25.000 I remember sitting there at the table read.

01:19:27.000 I mean, you just keep going through.

01:19:28.000 Jesus.

01:19:29.000 Yeah, and Maura Tierney was such a good actress.

01:19:31.000 Like, you'd be doing scenes with her.

01:19:32.000 Is she the hot one that you don't ever know her name?

01:19:34.000 Yeah.

01:19:35.000 She would be doing scenes, and you would forget that you're in a scene.

01:19:38.000 Like, you go, oh, oh, you're acting.

01:19:40.000 Like, whoa.

01:19:41.000 She was so good at it.

01:19:43.000 She was so good at it.

01:19:44.000 She could just snap it on.

01:19:46.000 She had, like, this intense, like, acting focus.

01:19:49.000 It was pretty shocking.

01:19:49.000 Yeah.

01:19:50.000 I always saw you on that show.

01:19:51.000 Then of course I saw you on Fear Factor.

01:19:53.000 Then the man show.

01:19:55.000 All of that stuff.

01:19:57.000 I heard you one time randomly on Sirius.

01:20:01.000 I was driving cross country.

01:20:03.000 I think it was Raw Dog.

01:20:05.000 And it was one of your just bits about an old Texas oil tycoon.

01:20:12.000 Oh, and Nicole Smith?

01:20:13.000 Anna Nicole Smith.

01:20:14.000 It was the funniest.

01:20:15.000 I almost pissed myself.

01:20:17.000 There's a couple of bad versions of it out there.

01:20:19.000 And it was so honest, though.

01:20:20.000 Did you ever report that?

01:20:21.000 If you find that on YouTube, no.

01:20:22.000 It's on my CD.

01:20:23.000 If you find it on YouTube, there's a shit version.

01:20:25.000 You should do a gold version of it.

01:20:26.000 You should rewrite this.

01:20:27.000 This was live, and you were just fucking going with it.

01:20:31.000 And you were clearly just the people in the audience were digging it.

01:20:35.000 We're going more and more and more.

01:20:36.000 It was a crazy bit.

01:20:37.000 It was a long one.

01:20:37.000 It was a good 20 minute story.

01:20:40.000 And it was the funniest.

01:20:41.000 I mean, I had never laughed so hard in a car ride.

01:20:44.000 And that one was like, holy shit.

01:20:45.000 You gotta put that on.

01:20:46.000 No, it's on my first CD. Oh, it is?

01:20:48.000 Yeah, if you go to I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday is my first CD. It's on that one.

01:20:52.000 And I'm not trying to pump you up.

01:20:53.000 It's a good version of it.

01:20:54.000 No, thank you, man.

01:20:54.000 I appreciate it.

01:20:54.000 The point of it was it was the brutal answer because it was funny because it was fucking true.

01:20:58.000 Yeah.

01:20:58.000 Well, my point was, you know, people were like, oh, this poor guy, he's old and he's rich and she's going to take him for his money.

01:21:06.000 And my point was like, don't you think he knows?

01:21:08.000 He's clearly where he got it.

01:21:10.000 He's 90 years old.

01:21:10.000 He made a billion dollars from scratch.

01:21:13.000 You know, chances are he's a tad crafty.

01:21:15.000 I'm dying with double D's in my face and I'm fine with it.

01:21:17.000 He was just having to do all this crazy shit to him before he died.

01:21:21.000 It was fun.

01:21:21.000 It was a fun bit.

01:21:22.000 That was a Mitzi Shore hater bit.

01:21:24.000 Mitzi Shore hated that bit.

01:21:25.000 Mitzi Shore used to tell me, stop!

01:21:26.000 Stop doing that!

01:21:27.000 That was the funniest thing.

01:21:28.000 Yeah, Mitzi Shore used to hate dudes.

01:21:30.000 When I used to do jokes about old men.

01:21:32.000 She's a girl from...

01:21:33.000 Creepy old men.

01:21:33.000 She's a woman who owned the comedy store.

01:21:35.000 Okay.

01:21:36.000 She would never...

01:21:37.000 Oh, probably Shore's mom.

01:21:37.000 Yeah.

01:21:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:21:38.000 Tell me never to do those jokes.

01:21:39.000 Stop doing that!

01:21:40.000 There's that one and a bit about Hugh Hefner.

01:21:43.000 She didn't like that one either.

01:21:44.000 You know, I've found, like, when I go to pitch A&E, I'll go to pitch A&E an idea about a new show or something.

01:21:48.000 Right.

01:21:49.000 And, like, this one guy's like, that's a horrible idea.

01:21:51.000 Don't ever tell anyone that idea again.

01:21:53.000 Whoa.

01:21:53.000 That's always the best idea, I've found.

01:21:55.000 Like, if an executive says it sucks, go digital and do it because it'll fucking kill.

01:22:00.000 I had an idea once that I pitched over the phone and the guy actually said, you're kidding, right?

01:22:05.000 Did you waste my time with this?

01:22:07.000 And I was like, wow, alright.

01:22:09.000 I guess you didn't like my idea.

01:22:10.000 I pitched over the phone.

01:22:12.000 He was like, I go, I have this idea for a show.

01:22:13.000 It's just a silly idea, but it's a comedy.

01:22:17.000 And it's about these girls That work at a bikini pizza place in the day called Pizza Sluts.

01:22:26.000 And at night, they fight crime.

01:22:29.000 And they're super hot chicks that are recruited by the police force and trained to infiltrate into areas where other cops could never get.

01:22:40.000 Because people would never believe that these hot girls were actually secret agents.

01:22:44.000 These pizza sluts were actually secret agents.

01:22:45.000 Yeah.

01:22:45.000 Why did they have to work at the pizza place if they had a full-time job, though?

01:22:48.000 Well, because they had to have a cover, bro.

01:22:50.000 It's all part of their cover.

01:22:51.000 And you got to get a chance to see them in their underwear.

01:22:53.000 This is a smart comedy, man.

01:22:53.000 This is a smart comedy.

01:22:54.000 And the fucking dude was mad at me.

01:22:56.000 This is Chuck.

01:22:57.000 I pitched it.

01:22:58.000 The dude was mad.

01:22:59.000 It was a long time ago, by the way.

01:23:00.000 And the dude was mad at me.

01:23:01.000 I was like, I think that would be a silly show.

01:23:03.000 You don't think there could be a ton of jokes in a show like that?

01:23:06.000 You'd get two million viewers.

01:23:07.000 Easy.

01:23:08.000 Just too many viewers.

01:23:09.000 It was just completely over the top.

01:23:11.000 Come on, man.

01:23:12.000 Have you ever pitched something just to fuck with somebody?

01:23:14.000 No.

01:23:15.000 No.

01:23:15.000 Have you?

01:23:16.000 Waste time.

01:23:16.000 Have you?

01:23:16.000 I do sometimes, yeah.

01:23:17.000 Really?

01:23:18.000 Yeah.

01:23:18.000 I mean, because this is not...

01:23:22.000 At first, I make my money helping people.

01:23:25.000 My real money is made on speeches.

01:23:27.000 I go to do motivational speeches at colleges, teaching kids to get their shit together and stop being a whiny little bitch.

01:23:34.000 It's this entitlement by college kids.

01:23:37.000 And colleges really like me coming in.

01:23:38.000 I do an hour speech and then a half hour Q&A. And then I'll do a live podcast.

01:23:42.000 It's great.

01:23:43.000 For me, that's amazing money.

01:23:44.000 It changes our family's life.

01:23:46.000 So now it's like, if I can do TV, great.

01:23:48.000 If I don't, that's fine too.

01:23:50.000 I'd like to do it.

01:23:51.000 But, like, I'll have an idea.

01:23:52.000 I mean, I had an idea of a hoarder road trip.

01:23:54.000 I just wanted to take a bunch of hoarders in a Winnebago, take them cross-country, and make them clean up someone else's house.

01:23:59.000 Oh, that's a good idea.

01:24:00.000 I think it'd be fascinating.

01:24:01.000 Take them cross-country, right?

01:24:03.000 And at first it was a joke, but then the more I started pitching it, I was like, actually, Alex, I actually dig this.

01:24:07.000 But the first time, I was just trying to piss off the executive because he had sat on my pilot for a year.

01:24:11.000 And so I was just mad at him.

01:24:13.000 He sat on the pilot?

01:24:14.000 I've done two pilots, and I didn't realize this is...

01:24:16.000 Everyone's done ten pilots.

01:24:18.000 It is what it is.

01:24:19.000 Don't worry about it.

01:24:20.000 I was devastated because my first pilot didn't make a show.

01:24:23.000 Really?

01:24:24.000 Yeah, I was devastated.

01:24:25.000 Devastated.

01:24:25.000 I was like, this is gonna...

01:24:26.000 I mean, I really...

01:24:28.000 I put all my eggs in that basket, and I was just emotionally, and I was like, this is so important that I get this show.

01:24:33.000 And by the time the network and the production company and everybody got done with it, it was a shitty show.

01:24:37.000 And I didn't want to do it.

01:24:39.000 And I was like praying that it wouldn't get picked up.

01:24:41.000 But then when it didn't get picked up, I got all upset.

01:24:43.000 I got personal with it and I've learned now it is what it is.

01:24:46.000 It's just business.

01:24:47.000 It's really hard to be on a show and watch it fall apart because too many people have their input and they fuck with it.

01:24:54.000 And I had no input.

01:24:55.000 Yeah.

01:24:56.000 And it was like, my name's on this, my company's name is on this, and it doesn't...

01:24:59.000 Well, executives always think that they have a way to tweak it and to make it better.

01:25:05.000 I'm not saying I'm brilliant or anything.

01:25:08.000 I was personally upset.

01:25:09.000 I think that the collaborative effort, like a real true creative collaborative effort, only works with people who respect each other creatively.

01:25:17.000 Like people who actually are proven to be creative.

01:25:19.000 In order to bring someone like an executive into a creative meeting...

01:25:22.000 Are you a creative person?

01:25:23.000 Do you write a lot?

01:25:24.000 Are you going to have good ideas?

01:25:26.000 Or is this like an ego bullshit thing here?

01:25:28.000 You want to put your greasy fingerprints on this and add your little ingredients to the soup.

01:25:32.000 That's what a lot of it is.

01:25:34.000 With hoarders, there's no writing.

01:25:37.000 We turn the cameras on and shit happens.

01:25:39.000 Yeah.

01:25:40.000 And that's it.

01:25:40.000 It's pretty easy.

01:25:41.000 Is it your show?

01:25:42.000 No, I'm just a talent on that.

01:25:44.000 How many different dudes are quarter cleaners?

01:25:47.000 Well, there's two really left.

01:25:49.000 I mean, there's a lot of people that try to do it.

01:25:53.000 It's like a hit show, right?

01:25:54.000 Oh, yeah.

01:25:55.000 I say I'm the number one trash man in the country.

01:25:57.000 And A&E has no problem with you doing all your other stuff or they just don't know?

01:26:01.000 They never even signed me to contract.

01:26:02.000 I don't name it on a contract.

01:26:03.000 You're not on a contract?

01:26:04.000 I'm week to week.

01:26:05.000 Whoa.

01:26:06.000 It's crazy.

01:26:06.000 That's got to be annoying.

01:26:07.000 I'm the number one guy on their number two show.

01:26:09.000 It amazes me.

01:26:10.000 I'm fine.

01:26:11.000 I don't want a contract now.

01:26:12.000 If I was on a contract, I couldn't come do this.

01:26:14.000 You said it best the other day on your podcast.

01:26:16.000 You go, I'm doing what I should be doing.

01:26:19.000 You're doing it right now.

01:26:20.000 And I'm there, man.

01:26:21.000 I wrote a book.

01:26:23.000 I had a great run with my book.

01:26:24.000 I'm helping a lot of families with my book.

01:26:26.000 It's called Secret Lives of Hoarders.

01:26:27.000 So you're just happy to keep moving in a positive direction and keep working.

01:26:31.000 I clean up shit for $12 an hour.

01:26:33.000 I'm happy to be working.

01:26:35.000 Period.

01:26:36.000 I'm lucky to have work.

01:26:38.000 I can afford all my groceries and my mortgage in the same month.

01:26:42.000 I'm lucky.

01:26:43.000 That's awesome.

01:26:45.000 If I ever get pretentious or think I'm fancy, kick me in the nuts.

01:26:51.000 You want to talk about a job that must keep you grounded in the possibilities of reality.

01:26:57.000 Not necessarily your reality, but the possibilities.

01:27:00.000 That's what we came with five decisions away.

01:27:04.000 Because, back to it, we didn't even finish it.

01:27:05.000 That bum, sitting in the yard, I asked him how he got there.

01:27:08.000 And he goes, oh, I was a stockbroker.

01:27:10.000 And I was like, get out of here.

01:27:12.000 And I'm like, either he's full of shit or this is real, so I went with it.

01:27:15.000 And I was like, what do you mean you were...

01:27:16.000 He goes, I was a stockbroker and a girl broke my heart.

01:27:19.000 And I go, you're telling me you're living in this guy's yard because a girl broke your heart?

01:27:23.000 He goes, well, I got addicted to crack too, but the girl broke my heart.

01:27:28.000 And I was like, yeah, the crack might have something to do with it.

01:27:30.000 But he lived in a fucking shack.

01:27:32.000 And so I looked at the camera and I go, I guess we are all really five decisions away from shitting in a bucket.

01:27:37.000 Wow.

01:27:37.000 And that just stuck.

01:27:39.000 And when I said that, people ran with it.

01:27:40.000 And I've had many five decisions away from shitting in a bucket.

01:27:44.000 A couple things different happened, and my life could have been totally different.

01:27:47.000 It might not even be five.

01:27:49.000 It could be one, if it's a bad one.

01:27:51.000 I've peed in Mountain Dew cans in my car.

01:27:54.000 Yeah, but that's just to skip the exit.

01:27:56.000 I missed once, and I was trying to get my dick into the hole, but of course I have a very fat head.

01:28:01.000 It's very dominant.

01:28:02.000 And your hole is huge.

01:28:03.000 Even the Mountain Dew Big Mouth?

01:28:05.000 The hole wasn't a Mountain Dew, actually.

01:28:06.000 It was a Pepsi bottle, and I was trying to get it in there, and I fucking sprayed it because I was kind of holding it back, and then I sprayed it all over my fucking pants.

01:28:14.000 I pissed all over my leg, dude, before I finally got it going in the bottle.

01:28:19.000 This is only a year ago, by the way.

01:28:20.000 I shit myself the other day.

01:28:22.000 This is like I was 15, first year driving.

01:28:25.000 No, it was a year ago.

01:28:26.000 I didn't tell you about this.

01:28:26.000 I fucking shit myself the other day.

01:28:28.000 I did one of those farts where I'm working and it just went like that.

01:28:32.000 But I thought it felt like a fart.

01:28:34.000 And then I reached down and just like itched my ass and it was really wet and creamy.

01:28:39.000 And I pulled out just baby diaper shit all over my hand.

01:28:42.000 Wait a minute.

01:28:43.000 You reached down to claw at your ass.

01:28:45.000 Like I went to...

01:28:46.000 Itch my asshole, you know?

01:28:47.000 You went to itch your asshole?

01:28:49.000 I'm with him on that, yes.

01:28:50.000 You itch your raw asshole on a regular basis and then just go around touching your keyboard, your mouse.

01:28:55.000 Never itch from the inside.

01:28:57.000 Always itch from the outside.

01:28:59.000 I'm never touching your fucking doorknob again.

01:29:01.000 No, no, no.

01:29:02.000 I'm not talking like I went deep in my asshole.

01:29:04.000 I'm talking like right above my asshole.

01:29:06.000 It was creamy shit all over that.

01:29:08.000 It was creamy shit everywhere.

01:29:09.000 I don't believe you just dabble over the top.

01:29:11.000 I think he goes right in my asshole.

01:29:12.000 No, I don't.

01:29:13.000 Why would I do that?

01:29:13.000 That's disgusting.

01:29:14.000 But it was so bad and I didn't even know.

01:29:17.000 Wow, you got a numb ass.

01:29:18.000 You got a problem.

01:29:19.000 Do you think it's mostly...

01:29:20.000 You're getting raped by ghosts in the night.

01:29:22.000 No, but do you think when this shit happens, do you think it's because you're trying to force a fart out so bad?

01:29:27.000 I feel like if...

01:29:28.000 I just don't...

01:29:28.000 I try to force farts out.

01:29:30.000 I try to make them as loud as possible and fast as possible.

01:29:33.000 I had a thing about this.

01:29:34.000 I always say, like...

01:29:35.000 When most nine out of ten times, your asshole has your back.

01:29:39.000 Right.

01:29:40.000 And it'll back you up.

01:29:40.000 And it'll say, eh, no, it's a fart.

01:29:42.000 You know, the last second.

01:29:43.000 That's shit.

01:29:44.000 And it catches it.

01:29:44.000 Right.

01:29:45.000 And I was like, I wish your asshole would do that, like, in other parts of your life.

01:29:48.000 Right.

01:29:49.000 You know, like, when you're going to fuck the fat girl at three o'clock in the morning.

01:29:52.000 Right, right.

01:29:52.000 And your asshole's like, eh, don't want a second, buddy.

01:29:54.000 Wait.

01:29:54.000 I wish.

01:29:55.000 Your asshole can't hold back the liquid.

01:29:57.000 That's what I find.

01:29:57.000 When it's liquid and you feel that, oh, oh, oh, it's coming too fast.

01:30:00.000 You know, your asshole sends alarms up.

01:30:02.000 Yeah, this was liquid.

01:30:03.000 What's this?

01:30:05.000 Yeah.

01:30:06.000 It's your diet, probably.

01:30:08.000 But that's the first time in three years maybe that's happened?

01:30:11.000 Since I've been drinking these kale shakes on a regular basis, I've never had more.

01:30:14.000 Kale shakes?

01:30:15.000 Yeah.

01:30:15.000 Jesus.

01:30:16.000 Kale by itself will fucking just destroy you.

01:30:18.000 Yeah.

01:30:18.000 It's really good for you.

01:30:19.000 Oh, I know.

01:30:20.000 Yeah.

01:30:21.000 There's a Vitamix.

01:30:22.000 I throw cucumbers, kale, celery, one pear, a big chunk of ginger, and four or five cloves of garlic.

01:30:30.000 Fuck that.

01:30:31.000 I mean, you're going to lose five pounds a day of shit.

01:30:33.000 No.

01:30:34.000 To clean out your stomach.

01:30:34.000 The exact way.

01:30:35.000 But you feel great.

01:30:37.000 You do?

01:30:37.000 Yeah.

01:30:37.000 Oh, man.

01:30:38.000 It feels like...

01:30:38.000 I'm talking the wrong...

01:30:39.000 I'm saying.

01:30:39.000 I've been talking to Montel about helping me out with shakes and stuff just trying to get healthy.

01:30:42.000 I'm talking the wrong guy.

01:30:43.000 Well, Kevin James turned me on to it.

01:30:44.000 He lost 80 pounds.

01:30:45.000 And he was explaining to me his book that he bought.

01:30:48.000 He had this lady working for him as a chef for a while.

01:30:51.000 And the idea was it was just like really nutrient-rich, plant-based foods blended up together.

01:30:58.000 That would be like your first meal a day.

01:31:00.000 And just doing that, it keeps like your digestive tract like really smooth.

01:31:03.000 Because essentially, it's like it's a flush out.

01:31:06.000 It like cleans out.

01:31:06.000 Regularity is a very important thing.

01:31:08.000 People don't realize, yeah.

01:31:09.000 Well, yeah.

01:31:09.000 I mean, you're not supposed to be keeping shit inside your body.

01:31:13.000 You can if you have a bad diet.

01:31:15.000 I mean, my job, probably half of my job, is looking at what comes out of a person.

01:31:21.000 that doesn't eat healthfully.

01:31:23.000 That's a fetish of yours, though.

01:31:25.000 I'm starting to think.

01:31:25.000 Poop is a big part of my life.

01:31:26.000 I think it's a fetish.

01:31:27.000 Poop is a part of my life, man.

01:31:28.000 You like fingers in your ass.

01:31:30.000 That's separate.

01:31:31.000 I just like a finger in my ass.

01:31:33.000 That has nothing to do with my job.

01:31:34.000 Do you like German porn?

01:31:35.000 No.

01:31:36.000 I like...

01:31:37.000 I probably shouldn't go into that.

01:31:41.000 I'm with you.

01:31:44.000 I don't like a skinny girl.

01:31:47.000 I like some weight on my girl.

01:31:48.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:31:49.000 Yeah, the fatter ones are usually more fun, for sure.

01:31:52.000 Stream 8, that's what I do.

01:31:54.000 BBWs, you just go through the top 10 and it's beautiful.

01:31:56.000 10 pounds heavy is way better than 10 pounds too light.

01:31:59.000 Well, I'm talking about BBWs.

01:32:01.000 Oh yeah, but I agree with that.

01:32:02.000 What is BBW? Big Beautiful Women.

01:32:04.000 Oh, okay.

01:32:06.000 Cheers.

01:32:10.000 Yeah, women don't understand that.

01:32:11.000 A little fat is sexy.

01:32:13.000 It doesn't bother me at all.

01:32:15.000 As long as you're not unhealthy.

01:32:17.000 Skinny girls don't look that good naked.

01:32:19.000 No, they don't.

01:32:20.000 A thicker girl looks beautiful.

01:32:22.000 It's more skin to play with.

01:32:23.000 Would you rather have a king-size pool or a little baby pool?

01:32:27.000 This is a horrible topic.

01:32:28.000 I'm going to bring it up anyway.

01:32:29.000 No, you're just talking to Brian.

01:32:31.000 That's the problem.

01:32:31.000 It could be a great topic.

01:32:33.000 My wife and I had a...

01:32:35.000 My wife's really big into natural birth.

01:32:36.000 We had a natural birth.

01:32:37.000 Whoa!

01:32:37.000 I make fun of you guys.

01:32:38.000 You know what?

01:32:39.000 It was awesome.

01:32:40.000 Most people do.

01:32:41.000 It's fine.

01:32:42.000 We actually had him in our bedroom at home.

01:32:43.000 It was amazing.

01:32:45.000 Most people think it's crazy.

01:32:46.000 My wife, that was her Iron Man.

01:32:48.000 She really wanted that.

01:32:49.000 Wow, that's her triathlon?

01:32:51.000 Yeah, it was really cool.

01:32:52.000 And I dug it.

01:32:53.000 Wow.

01:32:53.000 The subsequent argument was, do you circumcise the kid or not?

01:32:58.000 Because all of her natural, and it's really a hippie world, and I'm not into the whole hippiness of the world.

01:33:02.000 I enjoyed the process of natural birth, but I'm not into the whole hippie lifestyle part of it.

01:33:07.000 And all of her friends, they didn't circumcise their kids.

01:33:09.000 And I was like, I'm not about to send my kid to gym class in a world where everyone gets circumcised. - The pink sock.

01:33:16.000 I think that's changing.

01:33:18.000 Apparently it's 50-50 now.

01:33:19.000 I think it's stupid.

01:33:20.000 I wouldn't circumcise a kid.

01:33:21.000 If I had a boy, I wouldn't circumcise him.

01:33:23.000 Well, apparently, the point of the conversation was, the girls, all the wives start arguing, we start talking.

01:33:29.000 Three of the wives guaranteed, they were like, sex with a dude that is not circumcised is substantially better than a dude that is.

01:33:37.000 And then all these girls were like, oh, that's true.

01:33:39.000 That's true.

01:33:40.000 Why?

01:33:41.000 I don't know.

01:33:41.000 More skin, apparently.

01:33:42.000 Back to the...

01:33:43.000 Wow.

01:33:43.000 Just like we talked about the ladies.

01:33:45.000 It's substantially better.

01:33:45.000 And they all were like, absolutely.

01:33:47.000 Like, it wasn't like they were being nice.

01:33:50.000 For the woman?

01:33:50.000 For the woman.

01:33:50.000 Wow, I've never even heard that before.

01:33:51.000 Yeah, that's why I was so intrigued by it.

01:33:53.000 I was like, wow.

01:33:53.000 I got robbed.

01:33:55.000 I don't know.

01:33:55.000 Even if I wasn't so resized, I don't think it would make a difference with me.

01:33:59.000 I think it's a fucking gross tradition, man.

01:34:02.000 Somebody said it helps prevent AIDS. I'm like, are you keeping AIDS in your foreskin?

01:34:07.000 What's going on?

01:34:08.000 That doesn't make any sense to me.

01:34:10.000 That seems to me exposure to AIDS. Lack of exposure is how you prevent AIDS. Not like foreskin chopping off.

01:34:16.000 I will say it was purely cosmetic for us.

01:34:19.000 Yeah.

01:34:19.000 But I enforced it.

01:34:20.000 I was like, we're absolutely doing it.

01:34:21.000 We're not going to have one kid that is and one kid that isn't.

01:34:23.000 Oh, wow.

01:34:23.000 You've got to keep it consistent.

01:34:24.000 Jesus Christ.

01:34:26.000 I mean, why does my brother look different than me?

01:34:28.000 Whoa.

01:34:29.000 But I like to fuck Jewish women, so I'm definitely happy.

01:34:32.000 Circumcised?

01:34:32.000 Yeah.

01:34:33.000 Yeah.

01:34:34.000 All right, whatever you like, freak.

01:34:35.000 Jewish women freak out about that shit.

01:34:37.000 It's a weird fucking tradition that we need to end.

01:34:41.000 Not only that, but people get really bad infections.

01:34:45.000 It's not completely innocuous.

01:34:47.000 Kids have lost their penises because of circumcision.

01:34:51.000 My nephew had to go back for a second operation because of that.

01:34:54.000 And they had to put him under at the age of a year or something like that.

01:34:57.000 He's gonna love you telling that story.

01:34:58.000 Oh my god.

01:35:00.000 Yeah, man.

01:35:00.000 For what?

01:35:01.000 To dress up as dick with a knife?

01:35:03.000 We should start some kind of non-profit.

01:35:04.000 It's a dick.

01:35:05.000 It's not a jack-o'-lantern, alright?

01:35:06.000 You don't have to chop...

01:35:07.000 Parts off of it to make it look better.

01:35:09.000 That's stupid.

01:35:10.000 Save the penis?

01:35:11.000 You should save the penis in a jar and wear it as a necklace.

01:35:14.000 What kind of tests have actually been done that show that there's some sort of a health benefit to circumcision?

01:35:19.000 Have there been any?

01:35:20.000 There has to be.

01:35:20.000 It's probably a medical.

01:35:22.000 It's like a Christian school probably did their research.

01:35:26.000 Really?

01:35:28.000 I'm sure it's a...

01:35:29.000 I mean, it costs four grand, I'll tell you that.

01:35:33.000 That's how much you had to pay?

01:35:34.000 Yeah.

01:35:35.000 You didn't have an old Jewish dude suck the blood off of it afterwards, did you?

01:35:38.000 We did not have a breast, no.

01:35:40.000 Isn't that amazing that they actually still do it that way some places?

01:35:43.000 Yeah, a guy will suck the blood off.

01:35:45.000 And, you know, and he was explaining it on a YouTube video.

01:35:49.000 It was like a serious, you know, what is the word?

01:35:54.000 Orthodox Jew.

01:35:54.000 And he was saying that it's an ancient tradition because the blood actually coagulates better because of the saliva.

01:36:01.000 It stops the bleeding quicker.

01:36:03.000 I just spit on that penis.

01:36:04.000 Yeah, whatever, man.

01:36:06.000 Jesus Christ.

01:36:07.000 You know what?

01:36:07.000 That's where I go back to.

01:36:09.000 I wouldn't have that on my kid, but if that's your thing, that's your thing.

01:36:12.000 I support you.

01:36:15.000 Here's one of the problems.

01:36:16.000 One of the benefits.

01:36:17.000 Decrease in physical problems involving a tight foreskin.

01:36:20.000 Yeah, that means...

01:36:22.000 Because you've got no foreskin, you fuck.

01:36:24.000 That's the dumbest benefit I've ever had.

01:36:27.000 Or red, rather.

01:36:28.000 And that's the first benefit they listed.

01:36:29.000 Decrease in physical problems involving a tight foreskin.

01:36:33.000 Well, you know how a lot of kids are running around complaining about tight foreskins.

01:36:37.000 Isn't it more acceptable to disease?

01:36:39.000 It's like you're having an extra belly button on your dick.

01:36:42.000 Well, I would, yeah, I don't know.

01:36:44.000 That shit's got to get dirtier.

01:36:46.000 You mean when it's over there?

01:36:47.000 I know there's dick lint.

01:36:48.000 There is dick lint.

01:36:49.000 You have to clean it?

01:36:50.000 There is dick lint, I've been told.

01:36:51.000 What's it taste like?

01:36:52.000 You have to clean it.

01:36:52.000 Well, I think it's also, like, moist.

01:36:54.000 I think the head of the penis underneath the foreskin is moist and much more sensitive.

01:36:58.000 When you circumcise it, it dries out.

01:37:00.000 It's, like, half numb.

01:37:01.000 It's got to be moldy.

01:37:03.000 Lower incidence of inflammation of the head of the penis.

01:37:06.000 Whatever.

01:37:07.000 Reduced urinary tract infections.

01:37:09.000 Okay, that kind of makes sense.

01:37:10.000 Clean your dirty dick.

01:37:11.000 That could fix all that.

01:37:12.000 Fewer problems with erections, especially at puberty.

01:37:15.000 Why is there a problem with an erection?

01:37:17.000 Yeah, that doesn't mean it.

01:37:18.000 There's never been a problem in my life.

01:37:20.000 Because it looks so creepy.

01:37:21.000 What does that mean by problems?

01:37:22.000 You know what that means?

01:37:23.000 That means he's getting erections all the time.

01:37:25.000 That's a good thing.

01:37:25.000 Because I've heard that happens to people that are circumcised.

01:37:27.000 Like, when you pull the skin back, they get excited, like, really easily.

01:37:30.000 Yeah.

01:37:31.000 Apparently it doesn't have...

01:37:32.000 It's much more sensitive.

01:37:33.000 Dude, if the wind blows, I get excited.

01:37:34.000 Isn't that funny, though?

01:37:34.000 That's listed as a benefit.

01:37:36.000 That's not...

01:37:36.000 Fewer problems with erections, especially at puberty.

01:37:39.000 When you write especially at puberty, I'm assuming you don't want kids to fuck at 13, so I'm thinking you're saying these are unwanted erections.

01:37:46.000 Some old dude wrote this.

01:37:47.000 Some old woman or old dude wrote this.

01:37:48.000 So they're saying we've made your penis feel less good, so you don't have as many problems with it feeling good.

01:37:54.000 Well, back to my point.

01:37:54.000 These women were saying apparently it feels better.

01:37:57.000 Decrease in certain sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV, HPV, genital herpes, syphilis, and other microorganisms in men and their partners.

01:38:07.000 Decrease?

01:38:08.000 Hmm.

01:38:09.000 Okay.

01:38:09.000 I don't know.

01:38:11.000 Yeah.

01:38:12.000 Why is that?

01:38:13.000 There's more skin.

01:38:14.000 How do you know?

01:38:14.000 There's more shit.

01:38:15.000 Do you have holes and scrapes on?

01:38:18.000 Yeah.

01:38:19.000 Almost complete elimination of invasive penile cancer.

01:38:23.000 Oh, that's a good reason.

01:38:24.000 Invasive penile cancer?

01:38:26.000 Is it internal, it sounds like?

01:38:27.000 I don't know.

01:38:28.000 Invasive.

01:38:29.000 I think it's just bad.

01:38:31.000 I think all penile cancer would be bad.

01:38:33.000 Yeah, I would imagine.

01:38:35.000 Have you got the 40-year-old tube in the penis hole yet?

01:38:40.000 My dad told me when he turned 45 or something like that, he had to get this done.

01:38:44.000 Apparently, your dick crawls back.

01:38:45.000 It runs away from the tube.

01:38:47.000 Really?

01:38:47.000 When they're trying to get it in.

01:38:48.000 My buddy always tells me about it.

01:38:50.000 They said basically, and a lot of my buddies and I, we all did a bunch of Ironmans.

01:38:57.000 Triathlons?

01:38:57.000 Yeah, triathlons.

01:38:58.000 And the worst, like an Ironman dick, like it takes two days for your dick to come back out of your stomach.

01:39:02.000 Jesus Christ.

01:39:03.000 Like you'll never see it.

01:39:04.000 Because you're on a bike running and swimming for like 10, 12 hours.

01:39:07.000 And literally, like after the Ironman, you're up against the wall and you're just peeing out of your stomach.

01:39:12.000 Like it takes a good two days for your dick to come back out.

01:39:14.000 That's so weird.

01:39:15.000 Wow.

01:39:16.000 It's a great, I mean I never did a full.

01:39:18.000 Is that like really bad for your balls, all that pressure?

01:39:21.000 I've heard guys get like numbness and shit.

01:39:23.000 You get really bad blisters.

01:39:24.000 You gotta use cow, like cow udder, what they put on the cow's udders.

01:39:28.000 What is that?

01:39:28.000 It's like a salve that you put on your balls.

01:39:31.000 You put on your balls so you don't get really bad blisters.

01:39:33.000 Balls are awful.

01:39:34.000 Jesus.

01:39:35.000 Hey Brian, pull up a YouTube video.

01:39:37.000 Rabbi explains the process of sucking blood from penis.

01:39:42.000 It's on YouTube.

01:39:44.000 That's a bit aggressive, I think.

01:39:45.000 Yeah, what the fuck?

01:39:46.000 This is from 2011, too.

01:39:50.000 Rabbi explains the process of sucking blood.

01:39:54.000 Just look for that on YouTube and you'll find it.

01:39:57.000 From penis, if you want to put from the penis.

01:40:03.000 That's the guy, yeah.

01:40:06.000 You got to take a leak?

01:40:07.000 Yeah, go ahead.

01:40:08.000 Yeah, it's perfect.

01:40:09.000 I'm about to die.

01:40:14.000 Four sections of halacha called the Shulchan Aruch, the set table.

01:40:20.000 In chapter 266, halacha 3, 4, 5, and 6, he describes how the circumcision is to be done.

01:40:30.000 This is after the cutting.

01:40:32.000 The mohel does what is called mitzitza, and mitzitza means to suck, and it means doing so with his mouth.

01:40:40.000 And one could say, well, why can't you use a tube?

01:40:43.000 Well, you could, technically, but that's not the custom as to how it was done.

01:40:48.000 Now, why is it that way?

01:40:49.000 Well, you could say that in the olden days you didn't have tubes, now you can have tubes, so why not?

01:40:54.000 The answer, as I thought about it, is that it's not as effective because the tube Does not seal as well, it's not as pliable and furthermore it's not as quick and it's not as close.

01:41:11.000 You have to have a quick suction action, you have to have more pliability and also there's a theory, some people feel that it is, some people feel that it's not, that the saliva of a human being has some antiseptic qualities and it's actually brought In the halacha of the Talmud that the saliva of certain people were actually used as curatives.

01:41:37.000 And so saliva is not a bad thing.

01:41:40.000 Saliva has elements of...

01:41:42.000 Shut this crazy asshole off.

01:41:44.000 Jesus Christ.

01:41:45.000 This is one of the things that's really wrong with religion.

01:41:48.000 When religion, when they get into tradition, and they just explain, well, it is the tradition.

01:41:53.000 You're talking about blowing a baby, period.

01:41:57.000 That's what you're talking about.

01:41:58.000 If there's anything in your religion that justifies blowing a baby, you're fucking crazy.

01:42:05.000 And sucking blood off a baby's dick after you've cut it.

01:42:10.000 Yeah.

01:42:10.000 The only thing I could think of as the other side of this is that, I mean, my sister took my nephew to a doctor, high-end hospital.

01:42:21.000 These are doctors going to college, and they fucked it up.

01:42:24.000 How many times did these guys do it?

01:42:27.000 Well, these guys fucked it up, too.

01:42:28.000 In fact, one of the guys...

01:42:29.000 Yeah, do they do it a lot?

01:42:30.000 Someone killed a baby recently.

01:42:32.000 Killed a baby?

01:42:32.000 the baby?

01:42:33.000 Yes, a baby died in a New York hospital after contracting herpes from a controversial circumcision ritual.

01:42:39.000 The Mohil or whatever the fuck he calls himself, the rabbi or whoever who does that, sucked the baby's dick after he did the circumcision and he had herpes in his mouth.

01:42:49.000 Wow.

01:42:49.000 And he gave it to the baby and the baby died.

01:42:51.000 That's crazy.

01:42:53.000 This is from 2012. This is March 6th.

01:42:56.000 Yeah, this is not 88. This is March 6th, 2012. It's in the Huffington Post.

01:43:00.000 You can read this.

01:43:01.000 And by the way, this is not the first time this has happened.

01:43:04.000 This has happened many times in the past.

01:43:05.000 I've heard about it.

01:43:07.000 Another one in 2005. It says it right here.

01:43:09.000 Another one in 2005. 2004. Look, it's disgusting.

01:43:14.000 If your religion is allowing you to blow babies, cut their dicks and then suck them, that's not good.

01:43:19.000 Period.

01:43:19.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:43:20.000 If it's in the tradition, then what would you do?

01:43:23.000 Shut your mouth, you stupid tradition, you crazy asshole.

01:43:26.000 Just because something's old doesn't mean it's good.

01:43:31.000 Following that tradition, that is the best argument, one of the best arguments next to suicide bombers.

01:43:36.000 One of the best arguments ever for your religion being fucking crazy.

01:43:40.000 Well, its tradition is never a good argument.

01:43:42.000 Yeah.

01:43:43.000 Why do we do it?

01:43:43.000 It's the tradition, you know?

01:43:45.000 Yeah, I grew up in Virginia.

01:43:46.000 Antiseptic properties?

01:43:47.000 You know what else has antiseptic properties?

01:43:49.000 There's a lot of things that are tradition in Virginia that are not good.

01:43:51.000 You missed the whole thing while you went to the bathroom.

01:43:53.000 This guy is this old rabbi talking about blowing kids after he's circumcised.

01:43:58.000 I'm glad I missed it.

01:43:59.000 Thank you.

01:44:00.000 He was talking about why don't we use a tube?

01:44:03.000 Well, because first of all, it's the tradition.

01:44:05.000 It's the tradition.

01:44:06.000 Come to my website and have a good show.

01:44:08.000 It's the tradition.

01:44:09.000 What?

01:44:10.000 You crazy asshole.

01:44:11.000 And saliva has antiseptic properties?

01:44:13.000 You know what else has antiseptic properties?

01:44:14.000 Ready?

01:44:15.000 Antiseptics.

01:44:16.000 You fucking cunt.

01:44:17.000 Crazy asshole.

01:44:18.000 Saliva is actually a very good cleaner, believe me.

01:44:20.000 Except when you get herpes in your mouth and you kill the baby.

01:44:23.000 Nutty-ass rabbi.

01:44:25.000 Jesus Christ.

01:44:27.000 So, now, what is the single...

01:44:30.000 You've seen pretty much everything a person could possibly see inside these houses.

01:44:33.000 But there must be one day where you showed up at work and you went, this shit just got taken to the next level.

01:44:40.000 It haunts you.

01:44:40.000 Everything accelerates.

01:44:41.000 Yeah, it's a tie.

01:44:43.000 Yes.

01:44:44.000 I saw a cat actually pull itself out of a pile of human shit.

01:44:50.000 You know, like when you're trying to get out of the pool.

01:44:53.000 This cat was pulling itself.

01:44:54.000 Out of a pile of shit.

01:44:56.000 I just thought that was awesome.

01:44:57.000 Like, it wasn't gross.

01:44:58.000 It was just, it was intense.

01:45:01.000 The worst ever was I had a cat.

01:45:04.000 There was a house that had a lot of cats.

01:45:06.000 For people that are listening and actually know the show Hoarders, her name was Vula.

01:45:09.000 She's a cool lady.

01:45:10.000 She's become a good friend.

01:45:13.000 Three years later.

01:45:14.000 But at the time, she wasn't.

01:45:15.000 Is she cured now?

01:45:16.000 She's dealing with it.

01:45:18.000 I don't think you're ever cured.

01:45:19.000 Just like with my gambling, I'm always going to have an itch every once in a while.

01:45:22.000 She lives in a normal house.

01:45:24.000 She lives in a clean house.

01:45:24.000 We cleaned her house.

01:45:25.000 She stayed committed.

01:45:26.000 She did the therapy.

01:45:27.000 Her family stays with her.

01:45:29.000 One of the key components to recovery is that your family is very committed to the recovery as well.

01:45:33.000 Her kids keep her busy.

01:45:35.000 She can't go to Goodwill.

01:45:36.000 If she goes to Goodwill, she'll spend...

01:45:37.000 She's just like me to gamble at a blackjack table.

01:45:40.000 If she goes to Goodwill, she'll go crazy.

01:45:41.000 Have you heard of Ibogaine?

01:45:43.000 What is that?

01:45:44.000 We had this guy on yesterday who had just got back from an Ibogaine ceremony in Costa Rica.

01:45:50.000 And what Ibogaine is is this crazy psychedelic drug that makes you look at yourself from a very...

01:45:57.000 What's the best way to look at it?

01:46:00.000 Out like a very critical, highly critical, honest view of your life from outside of your emotions and your ego.

01:46:09.000 And it's apparently this very informative psychedelic experience.

01:46:12.000 You can actually ask it questions.

01:46:14.000 The whole experience takes like 24 hours.

01:46:17.000 But it has a really high success rate on curing people with all sorts of diseases, especially addictions, gambling addictions, drug addictions, people that are hooked on opiates have a huge rate of success.

01:46:29.000 That's a different level.

01:46:30.000 I don't ever want to act like I'm this badass that overcame this massive thing.

01:46:35.000 Oh, you for sure did, dude.

01:46:37.000 You just did it with your own will and your personality.

01:46:39.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:46:40.000 What I'm saying is, I wonder, like, a really good show would be combining...

01:46:45.000 We're open to anything, man.

01:46:46.000 Yeah.

01:46:46.000 The cool thing is this is a new disease.

01:46:49.000 It's not like alcoholism where there's this, like...

01:46:51.000 Set, specific way.

01:46:52.000 This is what you must do to overcome it.

01:46:54.000 How long has it been around for?

01:46:55.000 Well, it's been around since, I mean, Hunter and Gathering.

01:46:57.000 I mean, it's been around since day one.

01:46:59.000 But it's just, I mean, our show just blew the doors off it, and people are just accepting the fact that their Aunt Gladys is actually a hoarder.

01:47:07.000 She's not just crazy.

01:47:08.000 Like, we're just really still, I mean, it's actually just getting, it's now just getting classified.

01:47:13.000 Man, this was my second hoard.

01:47:15.000 This was a great guy.

01:47:16.000 I got sprayed by a skunk in this house.

01:47:18.000 Oh my god.

01:47:18.000 I thought it was a cat and I went to pick it up and it was a skunk.

01:47:20.000 There was a skunk in the house?

01:47:22.000 Yeah, in the garage.

01:47:23.000 There were like a hundred cats and I just stopped counting and then I got hit by a skunk.

01:47:28.000 Oh my god.

01:47:29.000 That was a crazy one.

01:47:30.000 We have a friend that has eleven cats in one house in a two bedroom apartment.

01:47:34.000 You think that's normal?

01:47:35.000 Here's my deal on cats.

01:47:36.000 You need to have as many cats.

01:47:38.000 You can't have any more cats than you have friends.

01:47:41.000 If you have more cats than you have friends, we've got an issue.

01:47:43.000 Well, he has a lot of friends.

01:47:44.000 Then he's fine.

01:47:45.000 But is it okay in a two-bedroom apartment?

01:47:48.000 To me, that's a bit much, honestly.

01:47:50.000 But if he's cool with it, he's cool.

01:47:51.000 I mean, if it doesn't mess up your life, the cross line for me is when your hoard, whatever that hoard is, whatever you're collecting or keeping, When it crosses over and it becomes more important than your friends and your family and your job, then you got a problem.

01:48:04.000 It could be...

01:48:04.000 I mean, I had a lot of friends in the Iron Man world that...

01:48:09.000 I think they have issues, man.

01:48:11.000 They're so addicted to the race and to the fitness level that it's affecting the rest of their life.

01:48:16.000 They don't have normal relationships with anyone else in their life.

01:48:19.000 They're so focused on the triathlon that I think it's too much.

01:48:23.000 You kind of have to be successful.

01:48:25.000 Yeah, that's a tough one.

01:48:27.000 The amount of training those guys have to go through.

01:48:29.000 Yeah, but you don't have to win.

01:48:30.000 You could be like 100th.

01:48:31.000 You still finished a fucking Ironman.

01:48:33.000 What kind of pussy talk is that?

01:48:35.000 That's not what they think if they want to win, though.

01:48:37.000 What if they're close?

01:48:38.000 I don't give a shit about winning.

01:48:40.000 I'm a finisher guy.

01:48:41.000 I used to hate the old guys that played golf that were like, I'm just happy to be outside.

01:48:45.000 I'm totally that guy now.

01:48:47.000 I'm just happy to be outside.

01:48:48.000 It's a good day.

01:48:49.000 I'm fine with it.

01:48:49.000 There's a lure of success, especially success in games.

01:48:52.000 Well, I have success in other parts of my life.

01:48:54.000 I don't need that success.

01:48:55.000 Right, right, right.

01:48:56.000 I keep saying it every day.

01:49:00.000 I get 50 emails of people that I've helped.

01:49:02.000 They've either seen the show or read my book or listened to a podcast.

01:49:05.000 Yeah.

01:49:06.000 I start the morning.

01:49:07.000 By 9 a.m., I've already told myself I'm successful today.

01:49:10.000 I'm good.

01:49:11.000 That's beautiful.

01:49:11.000 And so I'm lucky.

01:49:12.000 I don't need all this stuff.

01:49:13.000 Well, you've put your obsession into a good place.

01:49:16.000 I think this is a really good lesson for people.

01:49:18.000 My speech is called 14 Years of Failure.

01:49:20.000 I failed for 14 years.

01:49:21.000 I'm just starting to get successful today.

01:49:24.000 What you've done that's admirable is sort of recognize why you were fucking up and just stopped it.

01:49:30.000 That's really difficult for a lot of people to do, to even wrap their head around it, especially without going through some really extensive therapy.

01:49:37.000 I'm old school, man.

01:49:38.000 If you stop lying to yourself, it gets a lot easier.

01:49:41.000 I lied to myself year after year.

01:49:42.000 But a lot of people don't figure that out.

01:49:43.000 I'm telling you right now.

01:49:44.000 People listening, stop lying to yourself.

01:49:46.000 I'm saying you did.

01:49:47.000 You figured that out.

01:49:48.000 A lot of people...

01:49:48.000 Well, a guy beating the fuck out of you...

01:49:50.000 Is that what it was?

01:49:51.000 Yes, absolutely.

01:49:52.000 And then my mom saying no.

01:49:53.000 My mom saying no was...

01:49:55.000 I even thought I was still unstoppable.

01:49:58.000 Until my mom said, you're on your own.

01:50:01.000 You find a legal way out of this.

01:50:03.000 It's really fascinating.

01:50:03.000 When my mom said no, it was like, oh shit.

01:50:06.000 Life's changing.

01:50:07.000 I'm on my own.

01:50:08.000 That thrill-seeking charge that you get from placing bets, it's really just sort of a desire to be successful.

01:50:16.000 You're trying to win.

01:50:17.000 You're not trying to gamble.

01:50:18.000 You're trying to win.

01:50:19.000 It has nothing to do with gambling.

01:50:21.000 Hoarding has nothing to do with stuff.

01:50:23.000 Right.

01:50:23.000 It's about that desire.

01:50:25.000 It's about that self-worth.

01:50:26.000 It's about that giving yourself...

01:50:29.000 We're all so needy.

01:50:31.000 And this is where people get tired of me.

01:50:33.000 They're like, you're like some awful mentalist.

01:50:36.000 An awful mentalist.

01:50:38.000 Why would they say that?

01:50:38.000 People think I get a little preachy.

01:50:40.000 And I guess I do.

01:50:41.000 Well, listen.

01:50:41.000 You're saying your story passionately.

01:50:44.000 Absolutely.

01:50:45.000 Your story is a story that should be preached.

01:50:46.000 I mean, if there's a story that should be preached, it's a guy who's ready to suck a dick for money, and now all of a sudden he's on TV, and he's doing great, and he's helping people, and he's helping inmates, you know, get their shit together.

01:50:56.000 It's all beautiful.

01:50:57.000 But when you...

01:50:58.000 Look at that on the TV. There it is.

01:51:00.000 That was a flat cat.

01:51:02.000 That was a flat cat.

01:51:03.000 He actually was on a box, so he was like...

01:51:05.000 He was at a 90-degree angle.

01:51:07.000 There he is.

01:51:07.000 There's the skunk.

01:51:08.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:51:09.000 Oh, the skunk.

01:51:10.000 That's kind of blasted you?

01:51:11.000 Yeah, he just fucking sprayed me.

01:51:12.000 Clearly that's a while back.

01:51:13.000 I'm a little lighter.

01:51:15.000 Oh my god, this is crazy.

01:51:17.000 This is crazy.

01:51:19.000 That whole room was six feet higher about eight hours early.

01:51:25.000 Oh my god, another cat.

01:51:27.000 Now, do these people get in trouble with animal protection?

01:51:30.000 Animal protection called us into this one.

01:51:32.000 This was in New Mexico.

01:51:34.000 Jesus Christ, 35 dead cats?

01:51:36.000 She thought she had like 10 cats.

01:51:38.000 She didn't know how many she had.

01:51:39.000 So they all starve to death out there?

01:51:41.000 Yeah, most, I mean, we always say triple it.

01:51:43.000 If you think, if the person says, I have 10 cats, well, if they say they have 100 cats, they have 300 cats.

01:51:49.000 Like, they don't know the rates that cats can reproduce, so they never see the babies.

01:51:54.000 So the cats are fucking and breeding.

01:51:55.000 They're like rabbits, man.

01:51:56.000 Who's feeding them?

01:51:57.000 They feed on each other.

01:51:58.000 Whoever dies, they, it's, I mean, it's...

01:52:00.000 Jesus Christ!

01:52:02.000 So they're just babies or eating guts?

01:52:05.000 Absolutely.

01:52:05.000 Whatever one.

01:52:05.000 It's total natural selection.

01:52:07.000 Oh my God.

01:52:08.000 That is incredible.

01:52:09.000 And it's all underneath eight feet of stuff, so you don't see it.

01:52:13.000 If you don't see it, it's not a problem.

01:52:15.000 This is my very first one, favorite guy ever.

01:52:18.000 This guy, his whole yard was a junkyard.

01:52:21.000 Paul, I love that guy.

01:52:22.000 I love this guy.

01:52:24.000 That boss.

01:52:26.000 You can see this from space on Google.

01:52:29.000 Wow.

01:52:29.000 You can see this guy's yard.

01:52:31.000 And it was deep south Alabama.

01:52:33.000 The government was after him.

01:52:34.000 They wanted the land.

01:52:36.000 He moved out to the country to get away from the city, and the city caught up with him over 20-some years.

01:52:41.000 Amen.

01:52:42.000 This was crazy.

01:52:43.000 I had never...

01:52:44.000 I love this story.

01:52:47.000 I had never done hoarding.

01:52:49.000 I had never been on TV before.

01:52:50.000 And so I got called on a Monday.

01:52:53.000 They said, can you come down and do this show?

01:52:54.000 So I was still cleaning houses for $12 an hour.

01:52:57.000 And then got called down to go do this show.

01:53:00.000 And that was on a Wednesday.

01:53:01.000 So three days later I was doing a TV show.

01:53:04.000 I've never been on TV. She's kind of hot in a dirty way.

01:53:11.000 Not kind of hot.

01:53:12.000 That's Ginger.

01:53:12.000 She was very hot.

01:53:14.000 She's hot in three or four glasses of whiskey.

01:53:17.000 Ginger was her name.

01:53:19.000 Let's get crazy.

01:53:20.000 She's got cowboy boots on.

01:53:24.000 She's a cool girl.

01:53:26.000 That house, man.

01:53:27.000 We took out a hundred and some cars.

01:53:32.000 The tires you can't get rid of.

01:53:34.000 It's almost impossible to get rid of tires naturally.

01:53:36.000 I mean, legally.

01:53:38.000 How do you get rid of them?

01:53:39.000 You have to send them to a shredder, and then they shred them up for playgrounds to be floors.

01:53:44.000 The problem is to recycle things legally, it's very hard in America right now.

01:53:48.000 It's very difficult.

01:53:49.000 The laws are so...

01:53:50.000 I thought we were super green.

01:53:51.000 Well, the green laws are very difficult.

01:53:54.000 This guy was a big school bus in his yard, and I was like, Paul...

01:53:58.000 We gotta get rid of this bus, man.

01:54:02.000 What are we gonna do?

01:54:03.000 It was filled with copper.

01:54:04.000 So it was probably 10 grand worth of copper.

01:54:06.000 Wow.

01:54:06.000 And the metal was very valuable, especially in the South.

01:54:08.000 So this guy had, I mean, that bus right there.

01:54:10.000 So I was like, we got rid of the bus.

01:54:11.000 And he goes, man, last time I had sex was in that bus.

01:54:15.000 And I go, Paul, when was the last time you had sex?

01:54:18.000 And he goes, Junior!

01:54:20.000 How old?

01:54:21.000 He yells to his son.

01:54:22.000 His son is like 43 years old and has like five kids.

01:54:26.000 They edited that out.

01:54:27.000 They didn't show it.

01:54:28.000 Did he have sex with a dead cat?

01:54:31.000 You know, most hoarders are totally...

01:54:33.000 I do have a flashlight story.

01:54:35.000 Can I tell it?

01:54:36.000 Real quick, most hoarders are totally asexual.

01:54:38.000 They don't have space in their mind for sexuality feelings.

01:54:42.000 Yeah, most of them haven't had sex in 20, 30 years.

01:54:45.000 It's not even...

01:54:46.000 Sex motivates everything I do.

01:54:48.000 I truly believe life revolves around sex.

01:54:52.000 If you dig deep enough, everything you do is to get laid.

01:54:55.000 I really believe that.

01:54:56.000 Okay, Freud.

01:54:58.000 I do believe that.

01:54:59.000 I mean, at the end of the day, I'm trying to impress my wife to have sex with me.

01:55:04.000 Really?

01:55:04.000 Why do I work hard to make my wife happy?

01:55:06.000 Why do I want to make my wife happy?

01:55:08.000 Wow, you sound like a slave.

01:55:10.000 Well, I hate that word, but my dad always...

01:55:14.000 My dad's a big part of my life.

01:55:16.000 He's always been dead for 10 years.

01:55:17.000 He always told me...

01:55:18.000 He was in advertising.

01:55:20.000 He said, everything is about trying to get laid.

01:55:22.000 He said, that's all advertising is.

01:55:24.000 You just got to find out how to get laid.

01:55:26.000 I think that's certainly a desire, but that's just because we have a constant need to reproduce, so we're always horny.

01:55:30.000 I don't think it's about reproduction.

01:55:32.000 A lot of other interesting shit out there.

01:55:33.000 I'm just horny.

01:55:34.000 I don't think it's about reproduction.

01:55:35.000 I don't think it goes that deep.

01:55:37.000 Well, that's for you, buddy.

01:55:39.000 Yeah, I'm saying I'm sure there's other people that don't believe that.

01:55:41.000 Well, no, there's a lot of other experiences in life that are pretty fucking fascinating, besides just getting laid.

01:55:46.000 I don't know, butthole in the ass, Joe.

01:55:48.000 But back to the beginning, you've got to allow yourself to go to that next level.

01:55:53.000 Because a lot of people stop at the, okay, I'm just going to make my wife happy and get laid.

01:55:58.000 You said you were talking about that isolation tank thing.

01:56:04.000 That blew me away.

01:56:05.000 I did about a two-week thing.

01:56:08.000 Right after my dad died, I ran away to Maui and was living in Hawaii with an ex-girlfriend.

01:56:14.000 That was when I started, okay, my mind became open to life.

01:56:17.000 Post-gambling?

01:56:19.000 I was trying to figure it out.

01:56:22.000 So you hadn't hit rock bottom yet?

01:56:24.000 No.

01:56:24.000 Well, I mean, I had hit it.

01:56:26.000 Had you gotten beat up yet?

01:56:27.000 Yeah, it was about five months after that, and my dad died right after that.

01:56:29.000 So, of course, that has something to do with it.

01:56:30.000 But I was talking to my ex-girlfriend, and she's like, how you doing?

01:56:33.000 I was like, I'm not good.

01:56:34.000 And she said, well, you can be not good in Maui.

01:56:36.000 And I was like, good point.

01:56:37.000 Damn.

01:56:38.000 So I flew out to Maui.

01:56:39.000 Yeah, she's a great girl.

01:56:40.000 Yeah, she's a good girl.

01:56:41.000 So I moved to Maui, was living with her, and I went on a week trip through Hana.

01:56:45.000 I don't know if you've ever done that road to Hana.

01:56:47.000 No.

01:56:47.000 It's the backside of Maui.

01:56:49.000 It's a dirt road.

01:56:50.000 And I just hiked it.

01:56:51.000 I just walked through Hana and I met this family living out in the rainforest.

01:56:55.000 And they were doing a lot of acid and a lot of stuff.

01:56:59.000 There's a family living in the rainforest.

01:57:01.000 Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of houses.

01:57:02.000 It wasn't just randomness.

01:57:04.000 Yeah, what is it like?

01:57:05.000 What kind of people are living up there?

01:57:06.000 I mean, old hippies.

01:57:07.000 Doesn't Woody Harrelson live up there?

01:57:09.000 Willie Nelson lived right down the street.

01:57:11.000 Yeah, I'm sure he does.

01:57:13.000 Willie Nelson lived there?

01:57:14.000 Willie Nelson lived right up the street from Hana.

01:57:15.000 Willie Nelson lived in Hawaii?

01:57:17.000 He's got a great little house up there.

01:57:18.000 Yeah, he's got a great ranch up in Makawa.

01:57:19.000 He's probably like ballin'.

01:57:20.000 He's got houses all over the place.

01:57:21.000 He's got a suite.

01:57:22.000 It's called Makawa.

01:57:24.000 Maui is a figure eight, the island.

01:57:26.000 And he lives on the upper side, which is country.

01:57:28.000 It's Vaqueros.

01:57:29.000 There's a bunch of Spanish cowboys came there a long time ago.

01:57:32.000 So there's a big horse community on the higher upper side of West Maui.

01:57:37.000 Really?

01:57:38.000 Yeah, Maui's an amazing place, and it backs right up to the rainforest part of Maui.

01:57:43.000 Don't locals get bummed out when white people move in?

01:57:45.000 They fucking hate it.

01:57:47.000 They're called Howlis.

01:57:47.000 They hate us with all our passion.

01:57:48.000 Really?

01:57:49.000 Just recently, we stole that island.

01:57:51.000 I mean, Americans are in the, what, 40s?

01:57:53.000 We stole that.

01:57:53.000 We killed their queen.

01:57:54.000 We killed their queen?

01:57:55.000 Absolutely.

01:57:56.000 The Dole Fruit Company and the Americans killed their queen to get a place to land airplanes.

01:58:02.000 Really?

01:58:02.000 They hate white people so passionately.

01:58:05.000 Well, they're always nice at the resorts.

01:58:07.000 Yeah, but you get 10 minutes off resort.

01:58:10.000 I've been off resort before, too.

01:58:11.000 I've met a lot of friendly people in Hawaii.

01:58:13.000 But you get a pass, and I think you're a likable guy, and you're an honest guy.

01:58:16.000 You get a pass.

01:58:17.000 Yeah, and they like BJ Penn.

01:58:19.000 They know I'm a BJ Penn fan.

01:58:20.000 Yeah, he's a Hawaiian UFC fighter.

01:58:22.000 Oh, I know.

01:58:23.000 When that whole...

01:58:25.000 Tsunami came in.

01:58:26.000 He had the BJ pin cam on top of it.

01:58:28.000 So CNN, everybody was doing the BJ pin cam.

01:58:34.000 Yeah, we were just told this by Brad.

01:58:37.000 It was crazy.

01:58:38.000 Yeah, Brad Hustle.

01:58:39.000 Do you know the guy?

01:58:39.000 I wanted to ask you this.

01:58:40.000 I'm not a huge MMA guy.

01:58:42.000 I do enjoy watching it when my wife's not around.

01:58:44.000 What about when she's around?

01:58:45.000 Try to make her happy?

01:58:46.000 She does.

01:58:47.000 Yeah, we watch Bravo.

01:58:48.000 We watch Bravo.

01:58:49.000 Watch Bravo together.

01:58:50.000 Yeah.

01:58:50.000 It is what it is.

01:58:51.000 I gotta survive.

01:58:53.000 It is what it is.

01:58:54.000 I love my wife and she runs our life.

01:58:56.000 Wow.

01:58:57.000 That Uriah Faber guy?

01:58:58.000 Yeah.

01:58:59.000 I used to watch him when he was a lot smaller.

01:59:01.000 No, no.

01:59:02.000 He's smaller now than he's ever been.

01:59:03.000 Really?

01:59:04.000 He looks so much bigger.

01:59:05.000 No, he started off his career.

01:59:06.000 He fought a few fights.

01:59:07.000 I think he fought a 55. Then he dropped down to 45. Won the title.

01:59:12.000 Lost the title at 45 to Mike Brown.

01:59:14.000 Lost an attempt at it again to Brown.

01:59:16.000 Then lost again to Jose Aldo.

01:59:18.000 So dropped down to 35. And now he is coaching.

01:59:22.000 He's 135?

01:59:22.000 Yeah.

01:59:23.000 Well, he doesn't weigh 135. He cuts down to 135. He doesn't really fight at it either.

01:59:28.000 It's really stupid.

01:59:30.000 They weigh in at it.

01:59:31.000 I mean, I shouldn't say it's stupid.

01:59:32.000 So that one second in that day, they weigh 135. You know, it's usually for an hour or two.

01:59:36.000 So what do they really weigh?

01:59:38.000 Like 150-something?

01:59:39.000 He probably weighs close to 150-something when he gets into the octagon, 20 pounds of water.

01:59:45.000 I wouldn't say it'd be that much because that seems like that would wear him down.

01:59:51.000 Pounds mean more of a percentage of body weight when you get to a smaller person.

01:59:54.000 A big wrestler can cut 20 pounds, no problem.

01:59:58.000 But, you know, he's walking around 220 pounds.

02:00:00.000 He's cutting 20 pounds of water.

02:00:01.000 That's easy.

02:00:02.000 He makes 205. There's a big difference between that and a guy who's 150 cutting down to 130. Yeah, that's a percentage.

02:00:09.000 Yeah, the percentage of body weight is massive for 20 pounds at that weight.

02:00:12.000 But people do some really dangerous shit.

02:00:14.000 We've had guys black out.

02:00:15.000 You know, it's real tricky.

02:00:17.000 You know, the more ones that are handled by great professional gyms and do it healthily and, like, guys like George St. Pierre or Anderson Silva, they cut weight, but you never see them looking Scary.

02:00:28.000 Properly.

02:00:29.000 They never look gaunt and scary.

02:00:31.000 Like Anderson Silva, I know he cuts weight, but he never looks bad.

02:00:34.000 So he's only cutting what needs to be cut.

02:00:37.000 They've got it down to a science.

02:00:39.000 The smart guys do.

02:00:40.000 The good ones.

02:00:40.000 But every now and then, guys will take a chance.

02:00:41.000 It's just an unfortunate aspect of the game.

02:00:43.000 I watched, not a documentary, but a TV show about the guys that bought the UFC. I mean, that was fascinating, man.

02:00:49.000 Just fascinating how they bought it from that.

02:00:51.000 It was such a circus at one point.

02:00:53.000 I was in the old circus.

02:00:54.000 I used to work for the old circus.

02:00:55.000 Did you fight in that?

02:00:55.000 No, no, no.

02:00:56.000 I used to be the post-fight interviewer.

02:00:58.000 I was involved in both organizations.

02:01:00.000 Really?

02:01:00.000 I was involved in the old one, yeah.

02:01:02.000 I did the old one from 1997. I did 97 and 98, and then I quit.

02:01:07.000 And then the new company came along.

02:01:09.000 They bought it in 2001. And there were some casino guys that put money into that.

02:01:13.000 Yeah, the Fatidas.

02:01:14.000 Frank and Lorenzo.

02:01:15.000 Good dudes is what I hear.

02:01:16.000 Great dudes.

02:01:17.000 Couldn't be better.

02:01:18.000 Perfect.

02:01:19.000 You know, we always said when I was a fan back in the day, we said, you know what would be awesome if some really loked out billionaire dudes just became huge fans of the sport and just threw a shitload of money at it.

02:01:29.000 We know it would be huge.

02:01:30.000 And that's exactly what happened.

02:01:32.000 You know, there was one point in time while they were financing The Ultimate Fighter and putting it all together, they were over $44 million in the hole.

02:01:40.000 $44 million.

02:01:42.000 I mean, from a business perspective, that is unreal.

02:01:45.000 Yeah.

02:01:45.000 Yeah, it's like craziness.

02:01:47.000 You have to make 80 million.

02:01:49.000 That shit gets phenomenal ratings.

02:01:50.000 It does now.

02:01:50.000 It does well now.

02:01:51.000 Now it's live, actually.

02:01:52.000 Now the Ultimate Fighter is live on FX, so you get to watch the fights as they happen.

02:01:56.000 As they happen.

02:01:57.000 Yeah, which is pretty badass.

02:01:58.000 It's a new thing that they're doing this time.

02:02:00.000 I mean, I just...

02:02:01.000 I'm amazed by the business side of it.

02:02:03.000 I mean, the CEO is obviously a badass.

02:02:05.000 I mean, he's...

02:02:06.000 The more and more I hear him talk...

02:02:08.000 What's his name?

02:02:09.000 Dana White?

02:02:09.000 Yeah.

02:02:09.000 Well, he loves it.

02:02:11.000 He loves the sport 100%.

02:02:12.000 He's a badass.

02:02:13.000 He knows how to do it correctly.

02:02:15.000 Yeah.

02:02:16.000 Nobody works as hard as that guy.

02:02:17.000 I do ONA a bunch, and they just swear by that guy.

02:02:20.000 I mean, they're, like, just blown away by him.

02:02:21.000 Yeah, I do an ONA too.

02:02:23.000 Every time I'm in New York, I love those guys.

02:02:25.000 That's the best radio show.

02:02:26.000 They crack me up.

02:02:27.000 Jimmy Norton kills me.

02:02:28.000 He's the funniest fucking guy I know.

02:02:29.000 Ever.

02:02:30.000 Funniest guy on radio ever.

02:02:31.000 Jim Norton.

02:02:32.000 No doubt.

02:02:32.000 Another one.

02:02:33.000 Back to honesty.

02:02:33.000 He is who he is.

02:02:34.000 He's fine with it.

02:02:35.000 He's totally fine with it.

02:02:36.000 If you don't like it, who gives a shit?

02:02:38.000 Who the fuck else was joking about getting blown by trannies like Jimmy?

02:02:42.000 I mean, Jimmy brings it up on a daily basis.

02:02:44.000 And he makes you feel like you're a fucking idiot for not getting blown by a tranny.

02:02:47.000 Yeah, it sounds awesome.

02:02:48.000 It sounds delicious.

02:02:49.000 And then he somehow gets on Leno.

02:02:50.000 And I'm like, God, he just blows me away.

02:02:53.000 Yeah, he's amazing, man.

02:02:54.000 So hopefully I'll have a lot of listeners coming in from my guys listening to this one.

02:02:57.000 Give me kind of a five-second pitch.

02:03:00.000 When I now watch MMA, I'm blown away by it, man.

02:03:03.000 It totally blows me away.

02:03:04.000 Why is it so much better than boxing?

02:03:06.000 Because boxing's boring now.

02:03:08.000 Well, you know what it is?

02:03:09.000 It's not that it's better than boxing.

02:03:12.000 It's just...

02:03:13.000 Boxing is only one aspect of a real fight.

02:03:16.000 And boxing is very exciting.

02:03:18.000 If you watch a good...

02:03:19.000 If Manny Pacquiao was going to fight Pretty Boy Floyd...

02:03:22.000 Or go back in time and watch Tommy Hearns and Sugar Ray Leonard...

02:03:26.000 There's some great fights.

02:03:28.000 I remember growing up, any Tyson fight when I was in high school and college was huge.

02:03:31.000 Those are massacres, though.

02:03:33.000 Yeah, but it was still the buzz, the excitement.

02:03:35.000 It was all pay-per-view.

02:03:36.000 Everybody, you didn't care.

02:03:37.000 We would drive...

02:03:40.000 To a cable place to buy some type of chip that allowed us to watch the Tyson fight.

02:03:45.000 And everyone pitched in like $2 to do it.

02:03:48.000 Yeah.

02:03:48.000 We don't have boxing.

02:03:49.000 Now we will watch a UFC fight.

02:03:50.000 I still like boxing.

02:03:52.000 You do?

02:03:52.000 Yeah, you can't tell me that a fight like Meldrick Taylor and Julio Cesar Chavez, like one of those fights.

02:03:57.000 That's an exciting fight.

02:03:58.000 It's exciting.

02:03:59.000 And it's not the same when a guy can't take a guy down, when a guy can't throw kicks.

02:04:04.000 It's really not the same.

02:04:06.000 But under those rules, in choosing to fight that way, it's very fascinating to watch who's better at it.

02:04:13.000 So you respect the rules regardless of the type of fight?

02:04:15.000 I respect someone who's very skillful at anything.

02:04:18.000 Whatever they do.

02:04:21.000 Floyd Mayweather fight.

02:04:22.000 One of the things I like watching him fight about is how smart he is about avoiding danger.

02:04:25.000 He very rarely gets hit.

02:04:27.000 He's very smart at moving.

02:04:29.000 He's very smart at timing.

02:04:31.000 He's very smart defensively.

02:04:33.000 He keeps his hands in the proper position.

02:04:35.000 He very rarely gets clipped.

02:04:36.000 And when he does get clipped, he recovers very well.

02:04:38.000 He's real slick about the actual art form of boxing.

02:04:42.000 And when you see him fight a guy like Sugar Shane Mosley and essentially just shut him down, that's an amazing accomplishment.

02:04:48.000 You've got to realize how good Sugar Shane Mosley is, and then you can appreciate what you see Floyd Mayweather do.

02:04:54.000 And a guy like Manny Pacquiao just beats Sugar Shane Mosley senseless.

02:04:58.000 That's an incredible accomplishment.

02:05:01.000 If you know how good Shane is, and you see the Shane Margarito fight when he just chewed Margarito up, Shane Mosley is a beast.

02:05:07.000 So I'm a fan of anybody who's skillful at anything.

02:05:11.000 I'm a fan of people that are skillful gymnasts.

02:05:14.000 Yeah.

02:05:14.000 Have you seen...

02:05:15.000 There's a video out here of this dude.

02:05:17.000 It came out last week of this butcher tearing apart a pig in two minutes.

02:05:21.000 Jesus Christ.

02:05:22.000 It's fucking art.

02:05:23.000 It's amazing.

02:05:25.000 Two minutes?

02:05:26.000 A whole pig?

02:05:26.000 A whole pig.

02:05:27.000 It's fucking...

02:05:28.000 It's art.

02:05:29.000 It's amazing.

02:05:30.000 Where do you find that?

02:05:30.000 It's on YouTube?

02:05:31.000 Yeah.

02:05:32.000 It's like two minutes.

02:05:32.000 Pull that shit up.

02:05:33.000 But it's...

02:05:34.000 I was like, holy crap.

02:05:35.000 I want to be a butcher.

02:05:36.000 I watched this thing.

02:05:37.000 I was like, man, this is beautiful.

02:05:38.000 I'm the same way.

02:05:39.000 I just enjoy...

02:05:40.000 If you're good at something and you're totally passionate about it...

02:05:43.000 Awesome.

02:05:44.000 I don't care what it is.

02:05:45.000 I never thought I would be into watching shows on cooking until I started watching Anthony Bourdain show.

02:05:49.000 Oh, Top Chef is awesome, man.

02:05:50.000 Oh, Anthony Bourdain is amazing.

02:05:51.000 I've never seen that.

02:05:52.000 Has he ever come in here?

02:05:53.000 Yeah, yeah, we had Anthony Bourdain on.

02:05:55.000 I think he's fascinating.

02:05:55.000 Yeah, he was awesome.

02:05:56.000 He's a great dude, too.

02:05:57.000 Is this the guy going to do it?

02:05:58.000 All right, he's going to shoot.

02:05:59.000 This guy's going to do this whole pig in two minutes.

02:06:03.000 There goes the head.

02:06:03.000 Wow, it's so ruthless.

02:06:05.000 It's really crazy when you see it like sectioned up like that.

02:06:08.000 It doesn't look like an animal anymore.

02:06:10.000 Once it starts getting sectioned, it just becomes like meat.

02:06:14.000 I heard him interviewed about it the other day and he goes, I just, he goes, I really love the art of butchering and I just wanted people to see it.

02:06:21.000 I really love the art of butchering.

02:06:24.000 Jesus Christ.

02:06:25.000 I never thought about it that way.

02:06:27.000 Oh!

02:06:28.000 And, like, you don't realize these knives, you would take your leg off.

02:06:31.000 Like that.

02:06:32.000 Oh, yeah.

02:06:33.000 I mean, he's cutting right through meat and bone with this thing.

02:06:35.000 And bone.

02:06:35.000 Yeah.

02:06:36.000 That's the same as your leg.

02:06:37.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:06:37.000 He's got a saw.

02:06:38.000 It's unreal, man.

02:06:39.000 Holy fuck.

02:06:41.000 How many people are completely removed from this aspect of eating meat?

02:06:46.000 Well, that's why he did it.

02:06:47.000 He said he wanted people to respect what they eat, and he wanted people to see that they're only eating good things.

02:06:51.000 It's really amazing what we've done in society by creating cities and having supermarkets.

02:06:56.000 We've completely taken the gathering and hunting out of our lifestyle.

02:07:02.000 My grandparents lived in a tiny little town way north of Denver, but up in the middle of nowhere.

02:07:08.000 And they would hunt it or grow it.

02:07:10.000 And that was it.

02:07:11.000 I bet they were healthy as fuck.

02:07:13.000 Yeah, they lived to like, what, 85?

02:07:16.000 Healthy as shit.

02:07:16.000 They worked in the farm every day.

02:07:17.000 Look at the body cavity that's left over.

02:07:20.000 I know.

02:07:20.000 Jesus Christ.

02:07:21.000 Think of the confidence with that knife it takes to like...

02:07:24.000 Yeah, he's pulling out the loin now.

02:07:25.000 This is where, like, tenderloin.

02:07:27.000 You know what that is?

02:07:28.000 It's the slab of meat that covers your spine.

02:07:32.000 And he even, like, dresses the bacon and everything.

02:07:34.000 I just think it's amazing.

02:07:35.000 That was the tenderloin that he just pulled out right there.

02:07:38.000 Let me slice on the other side of it right now.

02:07:40.000 That's crazy, man.

02:07:41.000 I love this thing.

02:07:42.000 I watched it like three times.

02:07:45.000 Yeah, I don't think I really like watching this.

02:07:47.000 It doesn't bother me.

02:07:49.000 It doesn't bother me, but it's interesting.

02:07:50.000 What hits me on it is the confidence.

02:07:52.000 I really respect confidence of whatever you do.

02:07:55.000 And this dude is confident enough to just throw this thing around.

02:07:59.000 Oh, he sure knows what the fuck he's doing.

02:08:01.000 He knows every single step.

02:08:02.000 He knows what he's doing in three or four steps.

02:08:04.000 And I admire that.

02:08:05.000 I think it's...

02:08:05.000 Awesome.

02:08:06.000 He set the bar for butchers, I'll tell you that.

02:08:08.000 There's a lot of guys going, I need a half an hour at least to clean up a pig.

02:08:11.000 This motherfucker just did it in two minutes and I put it on YouTube.

02:08:14.000 Yay!

02:08:15.000 Wow.

02:08:15.000 I think that is so fucking cool.

02:08:17.000 Now, he probably went to school for five years for that.

02:08:21.000 You know, or practiced.

02:08:22.000 I mean, I think he went to school for a year and then practiced for, you know, five or ten years to do that.

02:08:25.000 Wow.

02:08:26.000 And this is so random, but I just think shit like that is just fascinating.

02:08:29.000 I think we're all attracted to people that are really passionate about what they do and really excellent at what they do.

02:08:35.000 Because you tune into that and you go, wow, that kind of translates into anything you wanted to...

02:08:39.000 This guy who's great at being a guitarist could be great at being a butcher, could be great at being a chef.

02:08:45.000 If he had that sort of same focus at that, you watch a guy who's great at carpentry or great at anything.

02:08:52.000 There's something that...

02:08:54.000 It elevates us to watch other people be really good at stuff.

02:08:58.000 Don't you do that?

02:08:59.000 Sure.

02:09:00.000 Did you do a fight or not?

02:09:02.000 I did when I was young.

02:09:03.000 I did a lot of Taekwondo tournaments.

02:09:05.000 I did some kickboxing.

02:09:07.000 But it was before the UFC was around.

02:09:09.000 And then by the time the UFC was around, I was already on TV. And I was just trying to make it out here.

02:09:14.000 Well, I was trying to be a stand-up comedian, and it never even existed, but I had to learn jujitsu.

02:09:19.000 I had to.

02:09:20.000 Because all my life, I had been involved in striking.

02:09:22.000 That's all I'd ever done.

02:09:23.000 And the UFC just made me realize, like, wow, there's some shit you need to learn.

02:09:27.000 I need to learn some missions.

02:09:29.000 You had to commit, I mean, even to both fighting and to...

02:09:32.000 I mean, how many...

02:09:33.000 What, you guys said you spent 10 years with them?

02:09:35.000 I wasn't qualified to do anything else, man.

02:09:37.000 No, I'm saying comedy.

02:09:38.000 Yeah, but comedy.

02:09:39.000 I mean, I could have done martial arts, could have taught martial arts, but like regular jobs, I had sort of, in chasing martial arts and then becoming completely obsessed and focusing 100% of all my energy and efforts on one thing, I had basically completely neglected my schoolwork.

02:09:54.000 Completely neglected some idea of a safety net.

02:09:57.000 I didn't have a safety net.

02:09:58.000 I wasn't even thinking about the potential for failing in life.

02:10:02.000 I wasn't thinking about it.

02:10:03.000 I was just trying to get excellent at martial arts.

02:10:06.000 And then when I realized that I was going to have a different sort of a job and I was going to have a different career, I... There was a moment where I was like, what am I going to do next?

02:10:14.000 And then I found comedy, and it was like really quick.

02:10:15.000 It was like, boom, this is it.

02:10:16.000 Well, that was my moment.

02:10:17.000 When I realized, and this was after The Rock Bottom, I mean, I had a lot of...

02:10:22.000 I mean, I thought about killing myself.

02:10:23.000 I was very depressed.

02:10:24.000 How are we going to do it?

02:10:26.000 I thought about a gun...

02:10:29.000 I drove towards Walmart to buy a gun and I was like, what the fuck am I doing?

02:10:34.000 You got that close.

02:10:35.000 No, I don't want to act like I bought a gun.

02:10:37.000 I did.

02:10:37.000 But you thought about it.

02:10:38.000 I thought about it.

02:10:38.000 Because I really got to the point when I was going to call this wedding off, I was like, it would just be better if I'm gone and no one gets hurt.

02:10:44.000 So you're just going to kill yourself because you didn't want to get married?

02:10:47.000 I didn't want to upset her and I didn't want to upset my mom.

02:10:50.000 Wow.

02:10:50.000 And I got to the point where I was like, but then immediately it was like, what the fuck are you thinking?

02:10:55.000 That's crazy.

02:10:56.000 Right, right.

02:10:57.000 But there was a point where I got so rock bottom, I was like, okay, there's something.

02:11:02.000 Like, this has got to be good.

02:11:03.000 There's got to be good in this somewhere.

02:11:05.000 And so I always want to have an audience as large as I'm going to have here.

02:11:09.000 I just want to make sure you guys, like, if you're listening and you're down as shit, man, there's something good that's going to come out of this.

02:11:15.000 It can.

02:11:15.000 My dad dying ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me.

02:11:18.000 Wow.

02:11:19.000 Clearly.

02:11:20.000 I got my shit together.

02:11:21.000 My brother got his shit together.

02:11:22.000 All of his friends got sober.

02:11:23.000 Everybody got their shit together.

02:11:25.000 My dad did more by dying than he did by living.

02:11:27.000 And my dad would love that.

02:11:28.000 I say that all the time.

02:11:29.000 My dad would love that I'm saying this out loud to an audience this big.

02:11:32.000 He motivated me and a lot of people to get their shit together.

02:11:34.000 So for me, that moment, and I don't want to say it was an aha moment, but when I realized, okay, wait a minute, I've gone really deep.

02:11:41.000 Now if I just embrace it and stop hiding it and not telling people about it, Like, I should just totally tell everyone about it.

02:11:47.000 Right.

02:11:48.000 And I'll do more with it.

02:11:49.000 And that was after when I realized my dad, like, we were trying to make this funeral that was, like, all, like, perfect and awesome.

02:11:56.000 And it was fake.

02:11:57.000 And then we were just like, fuck it.

02:11:58.000 We're just gonna stand up and tell the real story.

02:12:00.000 Right.

02:12:00.000 And people celebrated the real story.

02:12:02.000 Funeral's brutal, man.

02:12:04.000 And it was an awesome thing.

02:12:04.000 I think they can be awesome.

02:12:05.000 I don't like them.

02:12:05.000 I think they can be awesome.

02:12:07.000 We had about 500 people that stood up and drank beers, or drank little shots of Dewars, and they told stories about my dad.

02:12:13.000 That's great.

02:12:13.000 It was awesome.

02:12:14.000 It was a celebration.

02:12:14.000 If you can get a good group of people around and pull that off.

02:12:16.000 It was a celebration of who he really was.

02:12:19.000 The last time I was at a funeral, it was brutal.

02:12:21.000 There's family members crying, and everybody's depressed.

02:12:24.000 Whoa.

02:12:25.000 What was your Fleshlight story going back to that?

02:12:27.000 Oh, Fleshlight.

02:12:27.000 Back to where Al comes back around.

02:12:29.000 We did a very early on, A&E's asked me not to tell this story anymore.

02:12:34.000 Why?

02:12:34.000 Let me definitely say it's not an A&E house.

02:12:37.000 It's a house I did privately.

02:12:39.000 They've asked you to not tell this story?

02:12:40.000 They don't like the dildos.

02:12:42.000 When there's dildos and sex toys involved, they don't like it.

02:12:44.000 They don't mind human shit in 45,000 pound bundles.

02:12:48.000 Dead cats?

02:12:50.000 That's fine.

02:12:50.000 Oh, wait a minute.

02:12:51.000 Does this give people pleasure in their genitals?

02:12:53.000 Not interested.

02:12:56.000 So there was a bunch of back massagers in this house.

02:12:58.000 Yes, back.

02:12:59.000 So this house, this dude collected...

02:13:01.000 It was a private home.

02:13:04.000 The family told us he was dying of heart disease.

02:13:07.000 So we walked into this thinking, we're cleaning the house to get hospice to be allowed to come here.

02:13:12.000 Right.

02:13:12.000 We're fine with it.

02:13:14.000 We start cleaning the house and...

02:13:16.000 Right away we're seeing a lot of, like, paper porn.

02:13:20.000 Like, old swank magazines and, you know, shit that's got cum stains on it.

02:13:24.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:13:25.000 I mean, not digital.

02:13:27.000 And so, we're going, you see it physically.

02:13:29.000 When you see this volume, I mean, all of us watch a ton of porn on internet, but could you imagine if that was all physical and you had to flip through each magazine that you look at?

02:13:39.000 And it's filled with all crusty things.

02:13:40.000 So, I mean, it was just, this guy didn't get digital yet, so he just had tons and tons of porn.

02:13:44.000 Probably no more than we look at.

02:13:46.000 But it just was physical.

02:13:47.000 And we're going to the house, and then the deeper we got, it got more aggressive.

02:13:51.000 There was some Disney porn, like Disney characters drawn out.

02:13:55.000 Oh my God.

02:13:57.000 We found Polaroids.

02:13:59.000 Oh.

02:14:00.000 Like I said the other day, like think of taking your picture with your cell phone now of your dick.

02:14:05.000 Think trying to do that with a Polaroid.

02:14:07.000 Wow.

02:14:07.000 Like you got to set it all up.

02:14:08.000 You got to pull the neck thing around.

02:14:10.000 Use your feet?

02:14:10.000 Yeah, I mean you got to pull that red button.

02:14:12.000 Like it's not easy.

02:14:13.000 And there were some kids involved in the polar pictures.

02:14:16.000 Oh, no.

02:14:16.000 So we were like, we've got to call the cops.

02:14:19.000 At the same time, some of my guys were in the back room.

02:14:21.000 So this guy knew this stuff was there or didn't know?

02:14:24.000 He obviously knew it was there, but in his mind, he had justified it, that it was okay.

02:14:29.000 He had justified it was okay to have naked pictures of kids?

02:14:32.000 Probably because he was dying also.

02:14:33.000 He didn't think anything wrong with us being in there.

02:14:35.000 He didn't think twice about it.

02:14:36.000 So, same time, one of my guys finds this really big flashlight that he thinks.

02:14:42.000 And he opens it up.

02:14:44.000 And he's like, that looks like a vagina.

02:14:48.000 Turns it upside down.

02:14:50.000 Turns it upside down and a couple things drop out of it.

02:14:54.000 And then he realized what it was.

02:14:56.000 Clean your fleshlights, people.

02:14:57.000 He realized what it was and he tossed it across the room.

02:14:59.000 The fleshlight.

02:15:00.000 And we, that was our first introduction to the fleshlight.

02:15:05.000 From some crazy hoarder that's saving his sperm in it.

02:15:09.000 Sperm hoarder.

02:15:10.000 You know what, though?

02:15:10.000 You know what, though, dude?

02:15:11.000 It probably...

02:15:12.000 I hate to say it.

02:15:13.000 We always say it probably saved him from going out and doing something crazy, man.

02:15:17.000 Yeah.

02:15:17.000 Yeah, maybe.

02:15:18.000 Hopefully.

02:15:19.000 He ended up going to jail.

02:15:20.000 We had to call the cops.

02:15:21.000 Yeah.

02:15:21.000 He went to jail for child porn?

02:15:22.000 He did, yeah.

02:15:23.000 We got three years.

02:15:25.000 And then when he got out...

02:15:25.000 That's all you get?

02:15:26.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:15:27.000 And he got out, and all the guys on my crew have served longer time for selling weed.

02:15:32.000 And that dude was molesting boys and got three years.

02:15:35.000 Jesus.

02:15:35.000 Gets out.

02:15:36.000 Right.

02:15:36.000 Gets out, and he calls us to clean the house again.

02:15:39.000 Are you serious?

02:15:40.000 Why?

02:15:41.000 I was like, the house was messy, and he filled it up again in a year.

02:15:43.000 And he's like, hey, I think you guys might have cleaned my house before.

02:15:46.000 And I was like, dude, you should still be in jail, man.

02:15:49.000 What the fuck are you doing out there?

02:15:50.000 Do child molesters cut their fleshlights in half?

02:15:53.000 Oh, shit.

02:15:54.000 Did he give up on charm molesting?

02:15:57.000 I don't know.

02:15:58.000 We told him to fuck off.

02:15:59.000 We were just not interested.

02:16:01.000 We just couldn't believe that he called us back.

02:16:03.000 That's creepy as fuck, man.

02:16:05.000 We get some weird stuff, man.

02:16:07.000 And again, it comes back to it.

02:16:09.000 What you see...

02:16:11.000 I think life is subjective, man.

02:16:13.000 What I see on a daily basis is so much more intense than what someone else might see.

02:16:18.000 When I get to a hoarder, it's no big deal, man.

02:16:20.000 It's no big deal.

02:16:22.000 I always say, I run a lot of marathons, and when you are running a marathon, there's always someone behind you.

02:16:27.000 It doesn't matter how bad a day you're having.

02:16:30.000 There's always someone in the race behind you.

02:16:31.000 You're never going to be last.

02:16:33.000 And one day I actually got passed by a dude with one leg.

02:16:37.000 And I had a really bad marathon.

02:16:39.000 And about mile 18 where you hit the wall.

02:16:41.000 I was like, I'm fucking dying.

02:16:43.000 I had my head down.

02:16:43.000 And I looked up and this dude with one leg just fucking hops by me.

02:16:47.000 Wow.

02:16:48.000 Wow.

02:16:48.000 Was he only on one leg?

02:16:49.000 No, he has an artificial leg.

02:16:51.000 But he's only on one leg, and he kicked my ass and beat me by about ten minutes.

02:16:55.000 How much of his leg was missing?

02:16:56.000 The whole leg?

02:16:57.000 Oh, I mean, it was way above thigh.

02:16:59.000 So that hurts.

02:16:59.000 I mean, the pain about it is apparently amazing.

02:17:00.000 It's not knee.

02:17:01.000 It was way above the knee.

02:17:02.000 So he's running in pain.

02:17:04.000 The whole time.

02:17:05.000 Oh, my God.

02:17:06.000 And, of course, that made me be like, well, fuck, if this guy can finish, I better finish.

02:17:09.000 Jesus Christ.

02:17:10.000 I mean, for me, I always come back, everything's mental.

02:17:12.000 Everything is mental.

02:17:13.000 And it's just, are you going to quit before you're willing to overtake it?

02:17:17.000 There's a lot to life that's mental.

02:17:19.000 For sure.

02:17:20.000 I mean, shit happens and it's not your fault.

02:17:22.000 I get that.

02:17:23.000 That's not mental.

02:17:24.000 Right.

02:17:24.000 But if you're ever faced with quitting, that's up to you.

02:17:27.000 You either quit or you don't.

02:17:29.000 But I thought quitting is good if a guy's beating your ass.

02:17:30.000 That's strategically stopping.

02:17:32.000 That's not quitting.

02:17:34.000 That's a smart decision to stop.

02:17:36.000 Absolutely.

02:17:36.000 If you were beating the fuck out of me, I'd say I'm sorry and get out of there.

02:17:39.000 That's just smart.

02:17:40.000 That is smart.

02:17:40.000 Yeah, you're right.

02:17:41.000 That ain't quitting.

02:17:43.000 Crazy guys that wait in an alley with a baseball bat afterwards.

02:17:45.000 Yeah, you motherfucker.

02:17:46.000 Now I'm going to get your payback.

02:17:47.000 You've got to take your ass kingings.

02:17:49.000 I firmly believe you just have to be, if you're mentally strong, you can get through things.

02:17:55.000 And it's not that simple.

02:17:56.000 Yeah, you're right.

02:17:57.000 It's not that simple.

02:17:58.000 But it helps.

02:17:59.000 You can stay committed to whatever you're doing.

02:18:01.000 It's an honorable attribute.

02:18:03.000 It's a very attractive attribute, too.

02:18:05.000 That's why these stories that you told today were so much fun.

02:18:08.000 Because, you know, everybody likes to hear a story about a guy who was falling apart and a guy who got into an unimaginable situation.

02:18:16.000 You're getting...

02:18:16.000 You know, a bookie is beating you up and you owe him $40,000.

02:18:20.000 It's craziness.

02:18:20.000 It seems craziness, but you can get there really quick.

02:18:23.000 Yeah.

02:18:24.000 Oh, I believe you.

02:18:25.000 Well, I think that's what's admirable about your story.

02:18:28.000 I mean, I didn't come from a bad home.

02:18:30.000 All my bad...

02:18:32.000 All the bad things in my life came by personal choices.

02:18:34.000 Like, I had a great family.

02:18:36.000 I mean, nothing bad should happen to me.

02:18:38.000 I had all the chances in the world.

02:18:40.000 I just made a few bad decisions.

02:18:41.000 Well, it sounds like the college thing going to a casino is what set you off, right?

02:18:45.000 That's what started it all off?

02:18:47.000 Yeah, I just really dug it, man.

02:18:48.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with gambling if you can control it.

02:18:51.000 How far did it go?

02:18:53.000 I mean, how long were you gambling before you were completely out of control?

02:18:55.000 Oh, years.

02:18:56.000 Oh, so you were fine for years.

02:18:57.000 I wasn't fine.

02:18:58.000 I was getting there.

02:18:59.000 When it hit me...

02:19:00.000 Why do they say it grows?

02:19:02.000 Because I've talked to people, and these are people who are alcoholics, and they make alcoholism sound like it's like you got cursed by a demon, and there's some sort of an evil force inside you.

02:19:13.000 But no, my friend actually said this to me.

02:19:15.000 He said...

02:19:15.000 What you don't understand is that even when you're not using, the addiction still grows.

02:19:20.000 Oh, God.

02:19:20.000 I would think about it all the time.

02:19:22.000 The addiction grows.

02:19:23.000 Absolutely.

02:19:23.000 So you feel like your addiction is stronger now than it was when you were even gambling.

02:19:30.000 It's grown.

02:19:31.000 I think I'm coming off.

02:19:32.000 I'm addicted to new things.

02:19:33.000 My addiction to other things is very strong.

02:19:37.000 But in your case, not to gambling, though.

02:19:40.000 You don't have that same addiction to gambling?

02:19:42.000 No.

02:19:43.000 I mean, I have a feeling if I was at a table, I'd have a real hard time not doing it.

02:19:46.000 So his explanation of it, though, which was so hard for me to wrap my head around, was that this addiction is a disease.

02:19:55.000 And that the disease is unstoppable.

02:19:57.000 And that all you can do is sort of manage your life.

02:19:59.000 And you're never cured.

02:20:01.000 You're always just recovering from this disease.

02:20:05.000 I would say you're always recovering, yes.

02:20:06.000 Absolutely.

02:20:06.000 I do believe that.

02:20:08.000 But you can, there's levels of that, and you can, it doesn't mean your life has to be horrible.

02:20:12.000 I mean, anyone that's listening, your life is shit, man.

02:20:15.000 You can make some choices to change.

02:20:16.000 It doesn't mean it's gonna be perfect.

02:20:17.000 Your life's never gonna be perfect.

02:20:18.000 We tell the hoarders, like, don't try to think that your life is gonna, all of a sudden, you're gonna be cured in a year, and your life's gonna be great.

02:20:24.000 You've gotta really set your expectations, and if for a hoarder that's had, you know, 40,000 pounds of shit in their life, literally, if you can just keep a couple rooms clean and actually show up and go to work, That's success for you.

02:20:39.000 You've got to really set your expectations.

02:20:41.000 You're never going to have a perfect, easy life like you see on TV. That's not realistic.

02:20:44.000 So for a lot of these guys that are addicts out there, your life may not be perfect ever again, but it can be better than it is right now.

02:20:50.000 You've got to make some decisions and make a plan and get it set.

02:20:53.000 And it's never easy.

02:20:54.000 It doesn't take a day.

02:20:55.000 Well, dude, I didn't expect this part of the conversation.

02:20:58.000 I thought we were just going to talk about crazy shit.

02:21:00.000 No, no, it was great.

02:21:01.000 It's not that it wasn't alright.

02:21:02.000 It was great.

02:21:02.000 I think it was very inspirational for people.

02:21:05.000 Like I said, people love hearing people figuring things out.

02:21:09.000 They love that.

02:21:09.000 They love people.

02:21:10.000 And I think it's especially important for you and your job because you come to them and you come to these crazy people with this perspective.

02:21:21.000 I understand how this can go completely wrong.

02:21:24.000 I understand.

02:21:25.000 I get it.

02:21:26.000 I've been there.

02:21:26.000 And you say, yeah, you've been worse.

02:21:28.000 And that's amazing.

02:21:29.000 That's a really cool situation, man.

02:21:32.000 You're the perfect guy for the job, man.

02:21:33.000 Thank you.

02:21:33.000 I'm lucky he's doing it.

02:21:34.000 I got a great job, man.

02:21:35.000 This was a great conversation.

02:21:36.000 It was a lot of fun.

02:21:36.000 Really interesting stuff.

02:21:38.000 I'm a huge fan.

02:21:38.000 Honored to be here.

02:21:39.000 I know you don't want to lie.

02:21:39.000 I'm a huge fan as well, man.

02:21:41.000 Especially now.

02:21:41.000 And what is your podcast again?

02:21:43.000 How can people get it?

02:21:44.000 Five Decisions Away.

02:21:45.000 Go on iTunes or 5decisionsaway.com.

02:21:48.000 What category is it on iTunes?

02:21:49.000 We're TV and...

02:21:50.000 There it is right there.

02:21:51.000 We are TV and entertainment.

02:21:53.000 So it turns out...

02:21:54.000 By the way, it's for non-iTunes users.

02:21:58.000 You have for non-iTunes users.

02:21:59.000 Yeah, I'm not a Mac guy.

02:22:01.000 I'm not an Apple guy.

02:22:02.000 Oh, it's non-iTunes?

02:22:03.000 I do all this shit myself.

02:22:04.000 No, I mean...

02:22:05.000 No, we're on iTunes.

02:22:07.000 It's called iTunes.

02:22:08.000 But you don't like Macs?

02:22:10.000 I just never committed to it.

02:22:12.000 You never committed to it?

02:22:13.000 I'm still hanging on.

02:22:14.000 I own a business still.

02:22:15.000 I mean, so I'm still PC. How many viruses do you get?

02:22:18.000 Five a day.

02:22:19.000 For real?

02:22:20.000 Oh, sure.

02:22:20.000 I mean, good lord.

02:22:21.000 Do you really get a lot of viruses?

02:22:22.000 A lot.

02:22:22.000 Yeah, I mean, porn, you get viruses.

02:22:24.000 Are you addicted to porn as well?

02:22:26.000 I enjoy it.

02:22:26.000 I'm not going to lie.

02:22:27.000 I'm married.

02:22:28.000 I am married.

02:22:29.000 I mean, it's a lot easier.

02:22:30.000 Yeah.

02:22:31.000 We should have got you a flashlight.

02:22:33.000 Spankwired.

02:22:34.000 Could you bring one home or would you get in trouble?

02:22:36.000 Oh, no.

02:22:36.000 I don't need that.

02:22:37.000 You don't need that?

02:22:37.000 It's too much effort.

02:22:38.000 Too much effort?

02:22:39.000 I'm two minutes in and out.

02:22:40.000 I'm done.

02:22:40.000 Really?

02:22:41.000 I mean, I work a lot.

02:22:42.000 I need to be in bed, man.

02:22:43.000 Give me two minutes.

02:22:44.000 I'm done.

02:22:45.000 Think of a buddy's wife.

02:22:46.000 I'm out.

02:22:47.000 Boom.

02:22:47.000 Think of your buddy's wife.

02:22:48.000 Really?

02:22:49.000 You have a buddy with a hot wife?

02:22:50.000 We had a conversation about that the other night.

02:22:52.000 Someone was like, have you ever masturbated to your wife?

02:22:55.000 And everybody in the room was like, no.

02:22:57.000 Never thought about my actual own wife.

02:22:59.000 Right.

02:23:00.000 Someone else's wife.

02:23:01.000 You thought about your buddy's wife?

02:23:02.000 Always.

02:23:02.000 We always say, who do you...

02:23:04.000 We call it the closer.

02:23:05.000 You know that show The Closer on CBS? And we always call each other's wives the closer.

02:23:10.000 Really?

02:23:10.000 Because if you can't do it, man, that's the closer.

02:23:12.000 Someone else's wife.

02:23:13.000 Wow.

02:23:13.000 So you're being honest about jerking off to each other's wives.

02:23:16.000 Does he jerk off to your wife as well?

02:23:17.000 I'm sure he does.

02:23:18.000 My wife's hot.

02:23:18.000 But he doesn't tell you this?

02:23:20.000 You're just putting it in his face.

02:23:21.000 I'm sure he is, man.

02:23:22.000 My wife's hot.

02:23:23.000 His wife's hot.

02:23:24.000 But it's not an achievement if I'm thinking of my wife.

02:23:27.000 I've got to have someone else.

02:23:28.000 Have you ever tried to set up your wives together?

02:23:30.000 No, it's too much work.

02:23:31.000 Maybe they like it.

02:23:32.000 It's a Merlot.

02:23:33.000 I don't know.

02:23:35.000 I'm old school.

02:23:36.000 I love my wife.

02:23:36.000 I love being married.

02:23:37.000 It's a good thing.

02:23:38.000 I love being a dad.

02:23:39.000 It's fun.

02:23:40.000 But, you know, you gotta do what you gotta do.

02:23:42.000 Well, I think you definitely have a certain happiness from knowing the darkest sides of your personality and what you're capable of getting yourself into.

02:23:50.000 This is a life I never thought I'd have.

02:23:51.000 This is so cool.

02:23:52.000 So I would never want to fuck it up.

02:23:53.000 That's beautiful, man.

02:23:54.000 Listen, Matt, you're a great guy.

02:23:55.000 Thank you very much for coming on.

02:23:56.000 Thank you, man.

02:23:57.000 It was a lot of fun.

02:23:57.000 I really, really appreciate it.

02:23:59.000 Anytime you ever want to come back.

02:24:00.000 I will.

02:24:01.000 Don't offer it.

02:24:02.000 I'll come.

02:24:02.000 You're on.

02:24:03.000 Come on.

02:24:03.000 I'm offering it anytime.

02:24:04.000 Come on down.

02:24:05.000 And you can get him.

02:24:06.000 Please follow Matt on Twitter.

02:24:07.000 It's Clutter Cleaner.

02:24:08.000 One word, Clutter Cleaner at Twitter.

02:24:11.000 And his podcast, Five Decisions Away.

02:24:14.000 You can get it on iTunes.

02:24:15.000 You can get it on 5decisionsaway.com.

02:24:16.000 Yep, either one.

02:24:17.000 And there's an app if you need it.

02:24:18.000 And there's an app.

02:24:20.000 Atlanta, the tickets are on sale for the second show.

02:24:22.000 Yes, I am filming my DVD on April 20th like a true stoner.

02:24:27.000 Because it was 420. I couldn't pass.

02:24:30.000 Plus it was Atlanta.

02:24:30.000 I have been in Atlanta a long time.

02:24:32.000 And I had the opportunity to play at this place called The Tabernacle, which is this amazing theater in Atlanta.

02:24:38.000 It's going to be me, Joey Diaz, and Duncan Trussell.

02:24:40.000 The first show is sold out, but we just released tickets for a second show.

02:24:44.000 It's going to be at 1030.

02:24:45.000 We're filming during both shows, so don't worry about it.

02:24:48.000 Don't say, fuck, a lot of people got mad.

02:24:50.000 I already have tickets to the 8 show.

02:24:51.000 This is bullshit.

02:24:52.000 We're filming the 8 o'clock show too.

02:24:54.000 Don't worry about it.

02:24:55.000 We're going to have a great fucking time.

02:24:57.000 Again, Joey Diaz, Brian Redband's coming.

02:25:00.000 Duncan Trussle's gonna be there.

02:25:01.000 Little Hobo will be there as well.

02:25:03.000 And I will be releasing this on the internet, Louis C.K. style, for five bucks.

02:25:08.000 The easiest way to do it.

02:25:09.000 Yeah, Louis changed the game.

02:25:10.000 It's a game changer, bitches.

02:25:12.000 That is the end of our four podcasts in a row week, Brian.

02:25:14.000 How you feeling?

02:25:15.000 You okay?

02:25:16.000 I'm ready to take a nap.

02:25:16.000 You wanna get something to eat?

02:25:17.000 I'm starving.

02:25:18.000 You wanna get some yum-yums?

02:25:19.000 Yeah.

02:25:19.000 Thank you, everybody.

02:25:20.000 Thank you for being the coolest fucking audience members in the world.

02:25:23.000 We, you know, everywhere we go, we...

02:25:26.000 I'm constantly being told how generous the fans of the podcast are, how cool people are, and how nice and what a pleasure it is to wait on you guys.

02:25:34.000 And that means the world to me.

02:25:35.000 I just want to say thank you.

02:25:36.000 Thank you very much for that.

02:25:38.000 Next weekend, I'm at the Comedy and Magic Club.

02:25:40.000 The weekend after that, I'm at the Louisville Improv.

02:25:43.000 All the information is available on JoeRogan.net.

02:25:45.000 And this weekend, Friday and Saturday, We are here at the Ice House in the Annex.

02:25:49.000 It's an 85-seat room.

02:25:50.000 This shit sells out quickly.

02:25:51.000 And it's going to be a lot of our friends.

02:25:53.000 Joe Diaz, Duncan Trussell, whoever's around.

02:25:56.000 We've got a lot of guys coming down.

02:25:58.000 So, good times are coming, you fucking freaks.

02:26:01.000 And we won't see you until next week.

02:26:03.000 Okay?

02:26:04.000 Next week.

02:26:05.000 Bye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 14, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #196 - Matt Paxton

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