The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1969 - Sam Tallent

00:00:17.000 Jamie, how's this?

00:00:22.000 Do I sound powerful and elegant?

00:00:25.000 Thank you.

00:00:26.000 Bro, you are powerful and elegant.

00:00:28.000 Thanks, man.

00:00:29.000 You are enough.

00:00:30.000 I appreciate that.

00:00:31.000 I'm good enough.

00:00:32.000 I had a friend of mine, and she was asking me something just about comedy.

00:00:38.000 And I go, I just, you know, I don't like my stuff.

00:00:41.000 No one likes their stuff.

00:00:42.000 Like, you see it too much, it just gets in your head.

00:00:45.000 And you're like, ugh.

00:00:46.000 I look at it like a hater.

00:00:48.000 And she goes, I just want you to know, no matter what, that you are enough.

00:00:52.000 I go, what?

00:00:54.000 I go, no, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.

00:00:55.000 I'm not saying, like, I don't like my stuff, like I have a problem, like I'm a crazy person.

00:01:00.000 No, I'm just like, that's just the process.

00:01:02.000 Yeah.

00:01:02.000 Like, I feel good.

00:01:03.000 Right.

00:01:04.000 But that thing that people say to people, you are enough.

00:01:08.000 I just want you to know that you are enough.

00:01:09.000 Look, I don't need validation from you, lady.

00:01:12.000 She's a nice lady! 1.00

00:01:13.000 I'm sure she's a nice lady. 1.00

00:01:13.000 She's a very nice lady. 1.00

00:01:14.000 But I don't think you're going to her to be like, can you hold my hand through this difficult period?

00:01:18.000 I think some people do do that to people.

00:01:20.000 They go fishing for that kind of response.

00:01:21.000 Yeah.

00:01:22.000 That you are enough.

00:01:23.000 I'm like, no, no, I'm okay.

00:01:24.000 It's like, look, I know.

00:01:26.000 Look around, lady. 0.99

00:01:27.000 I kind of made Austin a thing.

00:01:30.000 Yeah, I know I'm okay.

00:01:30.000 I mean, it's sweet of her, but...

00:01:32.000 She's awesome. 1.00

00:01:33.000 I also hate watching my shit, dude. 1.00

00:01:35.000 You hate it? 1.00

00:01:36.000 That'd be my Guantanamo. 0.74

00:01:37.000 That making me watch all my old specials?

00:01:40.000 Yuck. 0.99

00:01:41.000 Goddammit.

00:01:41.000 Or like a YouTube clip from like 2007?

00:01:43.000 That's the thing that you have to do, too, like when working on new material.

00:01:48.000 I either watch or listen to it.

00:01:49.000 Have to listen to it.

00:01:51.000 Just have to.

00:01:52.000 I gotta know what makes me groan.

00:01:53.000 What makes me go, yuck.

00:01:55.000 What's the cringe in there?

00:01:56.000 Yeah, what's the yuck?

00:01:57.000 How do I cut the yuck out of that? 0.96

00:01:58.000 Yeah.

00:01:59.000 It's just like, you're gonna have that.

00:02:00.000 You gotta look at your hat like you're a hater.

00:02:02.000 Oh, for sure.

00:02:03.000 I do.

00:02:04.000 Luckily, I never have any moments where I'm like, oh, this is working out.

00:02:07.000 I watch and I'm like, why is your leg like that?

00:02:10.000 I can barely hear the joke.

00:02:11.000 I'm like, Jesus Christ, look at your hair.

00:02:14.000 When did that leave?

00:02:16.000 Look how far that's receding.

00:02:18.000 Jesus.

00:02:18.000 Yeah.

00:02:19.000 How long have you been shaving your head?

00:02:21.000 Um...

00:02:23.000 12 years?

00:02:24.000 Yeah.

00:02:24.000 Something like that?

00:02:25.000 I'm going there, man.

00:02:26.000 Yeah, it's way better.

00:02:27.000 Yeah?

00:02:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:02:28.000 You don't think about it anymore.

00:02:29.000 It's like, oh, it's like one less thing to think about.

00:02:31.000 If you have a good shaped head.

00:02:33.000 I don't.

00:02:34.000 Some people have flat heads.

00:02:35.000 Yeah.

00:02:35.000 Their head's flat, but now you got a new joke about having a flat head.

00:02:37.000 Yeah, then I have to turn around or have a mirror behind me.

00:02:39.000 That's fine.

00:02:40.000 Yeah, it's all right. 1.00

00:02:41.000 Give him a little fucking... 1.00

00:02:41.000 I'm going to get into props. 1.00

00:02:42.000 Give him a little look at the flat.

00:02:43.000 Yeah.

00:02:43.000 No, I don't have a good head.

00:02:45.000 It's bumpy.

00:02:46.000 I think if I shaved my head, I would go mutton chops.

00:02:48.000 I would leave the chops. 0.99

00:02:49.000 Why don't you go fucking full Sufi beard? 0.99

00:02:54.000 Yeah, just lower. 0.99

00:02:55.000 Just the lower beard, like from Dagestan.

00:02:57.000 Amish? 0.84

00:02:57.000 Yeah, right here. 0.84

00:02:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:02:58.000 Amish, go underneath the chin.

00:03:00.000 Yeah, the apple butter.

00:03:00.000 Do they all the Amish do it?

00:03:01.000 They go underneath, right?

00:03:02.000 I think there's some kind of recessive allele where they're not like God keeps them from having any hair on their cheeks.

00:03:08.000 There's so many Muslims who fight in the UFC who have shaved heads and they grow a full-ass beard. 0.97

00:03:13.000 There's the Amish one. 1.00

00:03:13.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

00:03:14.000 So he is shaving it. 1.00

00:03:15.000 That shit is not catching on. 1.00

00:03:17.000 No. 1.00

00:03:17.000 Anybody. 1.00

00:03:18.000 No.

00:03:18.000 Yeah, that's a weird middle ground, right?

00:03:21.000 Because he could eat food with no problem at all, which is like kind of a cop-out.

00:03:25.000 You know what he's not eating? 0.99

00:03:26.000 Pussy. 1.00

00:03:27.000 They don't eat pussy? 1.00

00:03:28.000 I don't think so. 1.00

00:03:29.000 They're not allowed to eat pussy. 1.00

00:03:30.000 Those guys' forearms? 1.00

00:03:31.000 Have you seen an Amish guy with his shirt off? 1.00

00:03:32.000 They jerk off a lot, I'm sure. 1.00

00:03:34.000 Ha ha! 1.00

00:03:35.000 You're sure?

00:03:36.000 They have to do it to memory, right?

00:03:37.000 Yeah, I think so.

00:03:38.000 They can't be watching porn.

00:03:39.000 No.

00:03:40.000 They just have wood carvings.

00:03:43.000 What did you say?

00:03:44.000 Because Amish men shave their mustaches off, you may be wondering now if an Amish are allowed to shave. 1.00

00:03:50.000 While married men may shave their mustaches only, unmarried men may shave their beards too.

00:03:55.000 Oh.

00:03:55.000 The only prohibition on shaving applies to the beards of married men.

00:03:59.000 Oh, okay, so it's like a wedding ring. 0.99

00:04:01.000 So once you have a full beard, all the hoes need to leave you the fuck alone. 1.00

00:04:05.000 Yeah, it's like, hey, I'm taken, ladies. 1.00

00:04:07.000 Yeah, he's taken, bitches. 1.00

00:04:08.000 That's why he's growing this gross-ass beard. 1.00

00:04:10.000 Yeah, God forbid they see your chin. 0.99

00:04:12.000 Isn't it funny that you're on the marketplace if you don't have a beard?

00:04:15.000 You're this guy out there with no beard.

00:04:17.000 Yeah, you're swinging your peacock. 1.00

00:04:18.000 Yeah, imagine the fucking Mrs. Amish and Mr. Amish have a fight and you just watch this bitch. 1.00

00:04:23.000 Just half of it. 1.00

00:04:24.000 She shaves his beard off.

00:04:26.000 I'm halfway out the door.

00:04:27.000 She starts crying, runs outside, makes some butter real quick. 1.00

00:04:32.000 Makes some butter.

00:04:34.000 They don't have any electricity.

00:04:35.000 They make their own houses.

00:04:37.000 Dude, those Amish, the way they raise houses so quick. 1.00

00:04:41.000 Oh, they're really good at it.

00:04:42.000 Yeah.

00:04:42.000 And then Mennonites, they're, you know, they're like rough around the edges.

00:04:46.000 I don't know any Mennonites, but I did meet one with Ari Shafir at the airport, and I found out because he asked her.

00:04:51.000 What are you?

00:04:51.000 Yeah.

00:04:52.000 Classic Ari.

00:04:53.000 Oh, no, it wasn't at the airport.

00:04:54.000 I'm sorry.

00:04:54.000 It was at a rest stop.

00:04:56.000 It was at a rest stop in Massachusetts, I think.

00:04:59.000 We were in between gigs, just driving to a gig.

00:05:01.000 What are you?

00:05:04.000 Why didn't you ask her?

00:05:05.000 What are you?

00:05:06.000 Yeah, what is that?

00:05:07.000 Yeah.

00:05:08.000 She's wearing an outfit.

00:05:09.000 What's up with the bonnet?

00:05:11.000 Which one are you? 0.99

00:05:12.000 It is fucking weird though, man. 0.97

00:05:15.000 You know what's weird? 0.99

00:05:17.000 Is that when people do a really shitty job, it's a cult. 0.65

00:05:21.000 When they do a really good job, it's a religion. 0.53

00:05:23.000 But it's basically the same system that it works on in the human brain.

00:05:27.000 It works on the same mechanisms.

00:05:30.000 Like someone has all the answers and they have a connection to a higher power.

00:05:34.000 That's why, you know, one thing that creeps me out about atheism...

00:05:40.000 It's not atheism itself.

00:05:42.000 It's that I think that tendency to just find a group of ideas that you will wholesale subscribe to is like built into us.

00:05:52.000 I think it's a cultural thing like war.

00:05:54.000 And I think when people don't have that, If they don't have Christianity or Islam or Buddhism or Judaism, whatever they don't have, they'll put it into something else.

00:06:07.000 I think it's a normal part of being a person for some strange reason.

00:06:12.000 Well, yeah, we were trying to find community all the time, right?

00:06:14.000 We're seeking ways to make whatever our small group is be safe and maybe work with other like-minded groups.

00:06:21.000 And when it comes to atheism, it's wild when people become fundamental about that.

00:06:26.000 When you're devout to the idea of atheism, it's like, I don't think there's anything after this, but I'm also not going to become an apostate from any other ideas.

00:06:37.000 I don't know why anybody would be sure one way or the other.

00:06:40.000 Oh, I don't know, because you have to be, I think.

00:06:42.000 Well, it would help you if you were.

00:06:45.000 Yeah.

00:06:45.000 So the thing about it, like Jordan Peterson says this, that you should live your life as if God is real.

00:06:51.000 And if you live your life as if God is real, you will definitely live a better life.

00:06:54.000 I was like, that's a very interesting way of thinking about it, because if you're wrong, there's no consequences, because you just die.

00:07:01.000 But if you're living that way, at the very least, you'll have less anxiety.

00:07:06.000 Oh, for sure.

00:07:07.000 You'll have more of a sense of purpose, and you'll probably do the right thing more often, because you'll be sort of like...

00:07:13.000 Aiming to that.

00:07:15.000 As a good Christian, I know a lot of people that are Christians that are really good people.

00:07:21.000 And it's because they aim towards that.

00:07:23.000 They think about that all the time.

00:07:25.000 They think about what would God want me to do.

00:07:27.000 They think about what does God teach.

00:07:28.000 And they're aiming in that.

00:07:30.000 They're still human. 1.00

00:07:31.000 We're all fucked. 1.00

00:07:32.000 For sure. 1.00

00:07:33.000 But they're aiming in that direction.

00:07:34.000 Let's underline that. 1.00

00:07:35.000 We are all fucked. 1.00

00:07:36.000 We're all fucked. 1.00

00:07:36.000 Let's not forget that. 1.00

00:07:37.000 The whole population.

00:07:38.000 I don't like when people do things because they are trying to cash checks in heaven.

00:07:42.000 I do like it when you're just doing it because it's the right thing to do. 0.90

00:07:45.000 Like when you give a homeless guy five bucks and he's like, God bless you, I'm the kind of dickhead who's like, there's no God involved in this. 0.70

00:07:52.000 This is one man trying to help one man. 0.78

00:07:54.000 I'm doing this because I think it's going to benefit you, not because I'm trying to get up to the big man.

00:07:59.000 That's true, but maybe he's saying, God bless you, like he's so happy that you did that for him.

00:08:05.000 It's the nicest thing he knows how to say.

00:08:07.000 He really hopes good things happen to you as well.

00:08:09.000 Sure, I know.

00:08:10.000 It's a weird thing, right?

00:08:11.000 Because you feel like if you buy into it, you're being a dupe.

00:08:14.000 You're getting duped.

00:08:16.000 Oh, they got you. 0.77

00:08:17.000 They got you with that nonsense.

00:08:18.000 What'd they get you with that? 1.00

00:08:19.000 Mormonism shit. 1.00

00:08:20.000 Yeah, you think you're gonna get your own planet when you die, stupid. 1.00

00:08:22.000 Which is pretty cool, let's be honest. 1.00

00:08:24.000 If you're gonna pick one.

00:08:25.000 I have a friend in California, and she was a Mormon for a long time, and she decided to stop being a Mormon, and when she decided to stop being a Mormon, one of the craziest things that she said was, She goes, I realized that I was way more vulnerable to, like,

00:08:42.000 weird culty stuff, like spirituality and yoga and that kind of...

00:08:46.000 She goes, I felt like because I had accepted devout Mormonism my whole life, I hadn't questioned anything.

00:08:52.000 That as an adult, questioned, like, I think she left in her late 30s or 40s.

00:08:58.000 So, as an adult, like, she just became vulnerable to, like, kind of hucksters.

00:09:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:09:03.000 Energy healers and, you know, that kind of shit. 1.00

00:09:05.000 Like, it seemed like, oh, that makes sense. 0.99

00:09:08.000 Yeah.

00:09:09.000 Like, that's what I'm looking... 1.00

00:09:10.000 Like, there's a fucking program in our head where we want to believe nonsense. 0.99

00:09:15.000 And whether that program is attached to the Republican Party, whether it's attached to being a fucking Buddhist or... 1.00

00:09:22.000 Did you see the Dalai Lama sucking on that kid's tires? 1.00

00:09:25.000 Of course. 1.00

00:09:25.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:09:26.000 Oh yeah. 1.00

00:09:27.000 Could you what?

00:09:28.000 Slurp in a boy tongue? 0.93

00:09:29.000 In front of a bunch of people.

00:09:31.000 Yeah.

00:09:32.000 A whole bunch of people. 1.00

00:09:33.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:09:35.000 You thought you were going to get away with this? 1.00

00:09:36.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:09:37.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:09:39.000 What the fuck is that? 1.00

00:09:41.000 I watched it. 1.00

00:09:41.000 I was like, this is wild. 1.00

00:09:44.000 I remember they tried to cancel him a few years back because he was talking about marriage and they said, you took a vow of celibacy.

00:09:52.000 Like, how do you feel about this?

00:09:54.000 And he's like, I have so many friends, and they're married, and then they get divorced, and they're not happy, and then the woman takes all their money, ha ha ha ha!

00:10:05.000 And this woman said something to the tune of, well, you know, some women, they make money too. 1.00

00:10:12.000 He's like, ha, good one.

00:10:20.000 It was a weird interview, man, but it was weird.

00:10:24.000 He's parroting out these tropes about marriage and divorce.

00:10:30.000 And it's really funny because some of them fail.

00:10:32.000 But this is supposed to be a spiritual leader.

00:10:34.000 Right, he's supposed to be like...

00:10:36.000 Completely ascended and bigger than any thought.

00:10:39.000 He's supposed to be saying that some marriages are wonderful and beautiful.

00:10:43.000 Because they are.

00:10:44.000 For him to say, oh, what I heard is they take your money.

00:10:48.000 Yeah.

00:10:48.000 Well, it's like your dad's friend who doesn't get laid anymore.

00:10:50.000 You ever hang out with him at the bar? 0.99

00:10:52.000 Yeah, but your dad's friend who doesn't get laid anymore doesn't have a video of him sucking on a kid's tongue. 0.99

00:10:56.000 He might. 1.00

00:10:56.000 Like, what the fuck, man? 1.00

00:10:58.000 It's probably a VHS tape. 1.00

00:11:01.000 He's He's got on Laserdisc.

00:11:05.000 Did they record?

00:11:06.000 I don't think Laserdisc record.

00:11:08.000 I have no idea.

00:11:08.000 I don't think they did.

00:11:09.000 That's hilarious.

00:11:10.000 The Dalai Lama also said at one point, he was like, we gotta keep Europe for Europeans.

00:11:15.000 Yeah, that too.

00:11:15.000 He was like, too many refugees are coming in.

00:11:17.000 That was crazy.

00:11:18.000 Yeah, I know. 1.00

00:11:19.000 Like, what the fuck are you saying, man? 0.99

00:11:21.000 Hey, Dalai Lama. 1.00

00:11:22.000 Just let the kid sit on your lap. 0.98

00:11:24.000 That's enough.

00:11:24.000 Yeah, hey, dude, how about don't do that?

00:11:27.000 Quit smooching the kids in general. 1.00

00:11:28.000 Yeah, don't tell a kid to suck your tongue. 1.00

00:11:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:11:31.000 Especially not on camera.

00:11:32.000 That seems like there should be jail time for something like that.

00:11:34.000 What is that?

00:11:35.000 I don't think he can get in trouble.

00:11:37.000 Tibet sticking out one's tongue is known as a traditional greeting stemming from a 9th century myth about an unpopular king with a black tongue.

00:11:45.000 His tongue was doing blackface. 0.98

00:11:47.000 When the king died, the Tibetans revealed revealing their tongues to show they had to become his incarnate. 0.99

00:11:51.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:11:52.000 Tongue sucking does not to be a part of the tradition.

00:11:55.000 That's where you cross the line!

00:11:57.000 If they just stuck tongues at each other, bro, you would have skated scot-free.

00:12:01.000 The PR team is working hard spin on that one.

00:12:03.000 Hard spin.

00:12:04.000 Wait till Rachel Maddow gets a hold of it.

00:12:05.000 I know.

00:12:06.000 She'll kind of win.

00:12:07.000 She'll find a way.

00:12:08.000 It happened in February.

00:12:09.000 It came out like a week, a couple days ago, which is kind of weird.

00:12:12.000 So it's a hit campaign against the Llama?

00:12:14.000 Yeah, it's like a few weeks old.

00:12:15.000 I saw him talk once.

00:12:17.000 Sometimes it just takes a while for something like that to catch.

00:12:20.000 Oh, yeah.

00:12:20.000 Yeah.

00:12:21.000 But today...

00:12:22.000 I mean, if it was Don Lemon, I would say, yeah, they're trying to get rid of him.

00:12:26.000 But it was the Dalai Lama.

00:12:28.000 I don't think they can get him out.

00:12:29.000 I have no idea why it would have came out.

00:12:30.000 How do you get out the Dalai Lama?

00:12:33.000 I don't even mean to pick on Don Lemon.

00:12:35.000 I mean, say it in someone who's on television.

00:12:39.000 But even then, if that information's available, look how many people were there.

00:12:45.000 That's obviously a cell phone footage, right?

00:12:47.000 Is that what it is?

00:12:47.000 Well, it was a fundraiser for some kind of Indian tech company.

00:12:50.000 How...

00:12:51.000 Wild.

00:12:52.000 Yeah.

00:12:52.000 How wild?

00:12:53.000 Just be kissing a kid in front of everybody. 0.99

00:12:55.000 Which is already too much.

00:12:57.000 Tongue kissing.

00:12:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:58.000 Suck on my tongue. 1.00

00:12:59.000 What are you talking about? 1.00

00:13:00.000 I've never had a kid that close to my own face where I could say, suck on my tongue. 0.95

00:13:05.000 Isn't it interesting? 0.90

00:13:06.000 It's interesting, like, what we choose to consider intimate contact.

00:13:11.000 Because hands, like if he had that boy's hand in his hand and he put his hand over it and said, I wish you a wonderful, happy life.

00:13:19.000 You're a beautiful human being and just go out there and be kind to everybody.

00:13:23.000 Everybody, that's cool.

00:13:24.000 Sweet gesture.

00:13:25.000 Yeah, sweet gesture.

00:13:27.000 When you fully hug someone, you can hug them for a couple seconds.

00:13:31.000 You gotta let go.

00:13:32.000 You can't stand there for 10 minutes just rubbing their back.

00:13:36.000 People go, hey, hey, hey, Dalai Lama, let the kid go.

00:13:40.000 Hey, hey, your robe is getting tented, Dalai.

00:13:42.000 You violated the time.

00:13:42.000 Yeah, you broke the time clock.

00:13:43.000 There's a time clock that goes when someone hugs.

00:13:46.000 If a real good friend, it's like you gotta get a 10-second countdown.

00:13:50.000 Let it linger.

00:13:51.000 10-second countdown.

00:13:52.000 10 seconds is a long time to be hugging someone.

00:13:53.000 Oh, it's a lot.

00:13:54.000 Ready?

00:13:54.000 Here's 10 seconds.

00:13:56.000 And go.

00:13:56.000 So here we are.

00:13:57.000 We're touching chest to chest.

00:14:00.000 Our genitals are near each other. 0.99

00:14:02.000 I can smell your neck right now. 0.98

00:14:04.000 We're still hugging.

00:14:04.000 Alright, now we're done hugging.

00:14:06.000 That's kind of a hug.

00:14:07.000 But I've done that!

00:14:08.000 I've done a 10 second hug with a good friend.

00:14:10.000 Sure, it feels good.

00:14:11.000 But now with a little boy that I don't know in the middle of nowhere.

00:14:14.000 Also, how did that boy get in there?

00:14:15.000 Don't show me this.

00:14:16.000 I don't want to see this again.

00:14:18.000 I don't want to see this. 1.00

00:14:19.000 That boy snapped back like a cobra ready to fucking strike. 1.00

00:14:23.000 He's like, why are you making me suck your tongue, you old fucking weirdo? 1.00

00:14:27.000 It's like when the noodle hits your lips finally and it like snaps like the sound. 1.00

00:14:30.000 But what I'm getting at is like it's interesting that like kissing is such an intimate act.

00:14:35.000 Like it clearly is.

00:14:36.000 But I wonder how that even got started.

00:14:38.000 Like people's breath must have been hard.

00:14:39.000 Oh, terrible.

00:14:41.000 Rotting meat in there?

00:14:42.000 Oh, God.

00:14:43.000 No dentists.

00:14:44.000 Your teeth all fell out.

00:14:46.000 And they got knocked out.

00:14:48.000 You probably got infections from cracked teeth, from getting hit with a rock. 0.99

00:14:52.000 I bet a lot of people died from mouth infections and shit. 0.99

00:14:55.000 Well, yeah, you're trying to eat everything you find. 1.00

00:14:57.000 Yeah, you don't even know what's edible.

00:14:59.000 And when did they start kissing?

00:15:00.000 I don't know.

00:15:01.000 Let's find that out.

00:15:02.000 Let's take a guess.

00:15:03.000 When do you think kissing was invented?

00:15:05.000 What if it was, like, 1900?

00:15:06.000 Yeah, whenever France became a country.

00:15:08.000 What if, like, nobody kissed until, like, the 1900s?

00:15:11.000 It was a revolution.

00:15:12.000 I'm gonna guess. 0.99

00:15:13.000 I'm gonna guess it's, like, some Mesopotamia shit. 0.99

00:15:16.000 For sure. 0.98

00:15:16.000 Yeah, I'm gonna guess that it started, like, thousands of years ago. 0.98

00:15:18.000 Cradle of civilization.

00:15:19.000 Yeah.

00:15:20.000 I'd say pre-pyramids.

00:15:22.000 Pre?

00:15:22.000 Whoa.

00:15:23.000 Yeah.

00:15:23.000 Strong.

00:15:24.000 Yeah.

00:15:24.000 Strong guess.

00:15:25.000 What else did you have to do back then?

00:15:27.000 Make a toothbrush?

00:15:29.000 Why would you kiss somebody?

00:15:30.000 That seems crazy.

00:15:31.000 We're figuring out what holes are safe.

00:15:34.000 That's true. 1.00

00:15:35.000 But you could wash the body off, like eating pussy and blowjobs and stuff. 1.00

00:15:38.000 That kind of makes sense. 1.00

00:15:39.000 You just want to get crazy. 0.99

00:15:41.000 I think blowjobs happened before sex did. 1.00

00:15:43.000 I bet you went mouth first. 0.99

00:15:45.000 No.

00:15:45.000 There was a fur-covered hole down there.

00:15:47.000 You're going to try and jam up in that thing?

00:15:48.000 Watch chimps. 1.00

00:15:49.000 Chimps fuck each other. 1.00

00:15:50.000 They hardly ever blow each other. 1.00

00:15:51.000 I bet you have.

00:15:52.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:53.000 I've been down that road.

00:15:54.000 So your guess is pre-dynastic Egypt.

00:15:58.000 Sure.

00:15:58.000 5,000, 6,000 years ago.

00:16:00.000 I just said pyramids, but yeah.

00:16:01.000 Yeah.

00:16:01.000 Well, that's like 5,000 years ago.

00:16:02.000 Okay.

00:16:03.000 Supposedly.

00:16:03.000 They don't even really know.

00:16:05.000 What do you think?

00:16:06.000 Jamie, what's...

00:16:07.000 I've got two answers.

00:16:08.000 I was trying to figure out which one was right.

00:16:09.000 But what was your question?

00:16:10.000 You didn't have one?

00:16:11.000 No.

00:16:13.000 The first answer Google gives back is the first recorded kiss is 1500 BC, which sounds recent.

00:16:20.000 Interesting.

00:16:21.000 It's very recent.

00:16:22.000 Right below that is a link to a longer piece that says, some researchers believe that kissing began millions of years ago as a result of mouth-to-mouth feeding.

00:16:30.000 Interesting.

00:16:31.000 And that's going into like, well, why didn't everybody do it then?

00:16:34.000 Because you had to chew the food for the child?

00:16:37.000 Do you know that you can get syphilis from kissing people?

00:16:41.000 I didn't either.

00:16:42.000 I saw it on a TikTok video.

00:16:44.000 Must be true. 0.97

00:16:45.000 How dirty is that mouth? 1.00

00:16:46.000 It was Instagram reels. 0.93

00:16:49.000 That's what it was.

00:16:50.000 He was having this guy standing there and all these different girls were coming by and kissing him. 0.94

00:16:55.000 And he was pointing out all the different types of diseases that you can get from mouth kissing someone.

00:17:00.000 Herpes and syphilis and gonorrhea.

00:17:03.000 All these different things you can get from mouth kissing people.

00:17:05.000 I thought it was just herpes.

00:17:07.000 That was my biggest fear.

00:17:08.000 I thought so too.

00:17:09.000 Somehow I dodged that bullet.

00:17:11.000 This guy figured out a way to scare the fuck out of everybody and they're never gonna kiss again. 0.84

00:17:16.000 I'm gonna keep kissing. 0.99

00:17:18.000 I'm still smooching my old lady when I get home. 0.97

00:17:20.000 Well, you're married. 1.00

00:17:20.000 But if you're some wild dude at the bar, you might die. 1.00

00:17:23.000 Secondly, kissing can also transmit syphilis, which may present as an oral canker.

00:17:31.000 T-palladium can invade mucous membranes through abrasion.

00:17:34.000 Therefore, oral canker can result from kissing with a syphilis patient. 0.99

00:17:42.000 Therefore, kissing with a syphilis patient If you're that horny and you're in the fucking hospital with them, like, come on, just one kiss. 1.00

00:17:48.000 That deleted scene from Patch Adams. 1.00

00:17:51.000 He's smooching all the sailors when they get back from...

00:17:53.000 He's like, they don't have much time to live.

00:17:55.000 Yeah.

00:17:56.000 Try to make them feel better.

00:17:57.000 Yeah, they need this.

00:17:57.000 They give them some love.

00:17:59.000 Yeah, I mean, what the fuck? 1.00

00:17:59.000 You're on a deathbed. 1.00

00:18:01.000 I would smooch someone on the deathbed. 1.00

00:18:02.000 Easy. 0.98

00:18:03.000 Yeah, especially if you love them.

00:18:05.000 Yeah, you have to.

00:18:06.000 Don't worry about a little syphilis.

00:18:06.000 They cure that now.

00:18:08.000 Also, there's no way that I'm not dying before my wife.

00:18:11.000 So, you know.

00:18:12.000 Is your wife healthy?

00:18:13.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:13.000 What is that supposed to mean, Joe?

00:18:15.000 Not that healthy, Sam.

00:18:16.000 I'm okay.

00:18:17.000 I think you're a comedian.

00:18:18.000 I am a comedian.

00:18:19.000 You're a very funny guy.

00:18:20.000 Thank you. 0.99

00:18:21.000 Most funny guys are out of their fucking minds. 0.99

00:18:22.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:18:23.000 And it presents itself in a bunch of different ways.

00:18:25.000 Uh-huh.

00:18:25.000 So when you say something like that, it kind of opens the door for me to say, well, why would that be, Sam?

00:18:30.000 You think I'm in here wearing this 4XL sweatshirt in the Austin Heat because I'm confident about my body?

00:18:35.000 Well, I think it's just because you don't have a sweet Brody t-shirt.

00:18:38.000 I don't, dude.

00:18:38.000 Positive push.

00:18:39.000 Yeah.

00:18:40.000 I think if you saw me nude, you'd go, huh.

00:18:43.000 No.

00:18:43.000 I think I'd go, I've seen that before.

00:18:45.000 You think so?

00:18:46.000 Sure.

00:18:46.000 I like to think I have a unique situation under here.

00:18:49.000 You don't.

00:18:49.000 No?

00:18:50.000 Nah.

00:18:50.000 What?

00:18:51.000 Nah.

00:18:51.000 I'm like Butterbean.

00:18:51.000 Average American at the beach.

00:18:53.000 Well.

00:18:53.000 It's normal.

00:18:54.000 I'm very good at the beach.

00:18:56.000 Water is not a problem for me, dude. 0.99

00:18:58.000 It's those damn sailing vessels that keep trying to harpoon me. 0.95

00:19:00.000 When I was a kid, my buddy Jimmy, his dad used to be able to go to the ocean, and he drank a lot of beer, and he would float. 0.99

00:19:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:19:07.000 Literally float.

00:19:08.000 Dude.

00:19:08.000 Like, this dude was living the life.

00:19:09.000 I was like, maybe it's worth it being fat just for that.

00:19:11.000 I'm so buoyant. 1.00

00:19:13.000 He would go there and just get out in the ocean and float, and I would sink like a fucking rock. 0.99

00:19:18.000 Kind of jealous. 0.99

00:19:21.000 Well, I'm glad to hear you're jealous of me, Joe.

00:19:23.000 You're kind of jealous that you could just float.

00:19:25.000 You know what's a fun move for me?

00:19:26.000 Laying on the sand and the waves crashing me and spinning me like a nude egg?

00:19:30.000 That's my favorite thing to do in the world, man.

00:19:32.000 That's nice.

00:19:33.000 Do you wear goggles or do you just take it raw?

00:19:34.000 I'll wear some goggles.

00:19:35.000 Yeah, you don't want that salt water in your eyes, right?

00:19:37.000 No. 1.00

00:19:38.000 Does that shit bother you? 1.00

00:19:39.000 I go open eyes. 1.00

00:19:40.000 I'll go open eyes in a hot tub like a freak.

00:19:42.000 Whoa. 0.80

00:19:42.000 Yeah, that's how you get syphilis. 0.80

00:19:44.000 That's how you get chlorine in your eyeballs.

00:19:46.000 Uh-huh.

00:19:47.000 I'm okay with it.

00:19:48.000 Yeah.

00:19:49.000 Chlorine can be good for you, right?

00:19:50.000 I have a chlorine pool. 0.98

00:19:51.000 We were talking with David Cho the other day, and he says he's got some new shit that does like, what is it to use? 0.98

00:19:56.000 Oxygenated. 0.99

00:19:58.000 Oxygenated water.

00:19:58.000 Which is like, okay.

00:20:00.000 Okay.

00:20:01.000 Yeah.

00:20:02.000 I mean, whatever works, right?

00:20:03.000 There's already oxygen in there, but.

00:20:05.000 Yeah.

00:20:05.000 So you can breathe the water?

00:20:08.000 My pool guy said it's hard to do a saltwater one out here in Texas, though.

00:20:12.000 He said that there's something about the heat and humidity.

00:20:14.000 It's like you're going to be still dosing it up with chlorine.

00:20:17.000 Yeah.

00:20:18.000 Because that algae just grows.

00:20:20.000 A lot of my best moments are aquatic, honestly.

00:20:22.000 Really?

00:20:23.000 I excel.

00:20:23.000 On land, I'm not that great.

00:20:24.000 But you get me submerged.

00:20:26.000 You ever heard the aquatic ape theory?

00:20:28.000 Oh, yeah.

00:20:29.000 You into that?

00:20:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:30.000 I think I'm proof.

00:20:33.000 I think I'm a vestigial tail.

00:20:35.000 There's a lot of interesting things that are attached to it, like the idea that babies come out so full of fat, whereas other babies of other primates are sinewy and muscular, and they can take care of themselves way quicker than we can.

00:20:46.000 Yeah, we're frail.

00:20:47.000 Yeah, we're super frail.

00:20:48.000 We're just soft little mushers. 0.99

00:20:50.000 We're super frail, but is that the price you pay for being so fucking smart? 0.99

00:20:54.000 I think you need to... 0.98

00:20:55.000 It has to balance out.

00:20:56.000 Yeah.

00:20:57.000 If we were just apex predators and also able to tie our shoes...

00:21:00.000 Right. 1.00

00:21:01.000 But that's why we associate, like, meatheads with being stupid. 1.00

00:21:05.000 Right. 1.00

00:21:06.000 You know?

00:21:06.000 Yeah.

00:21:07.000 That's no good.

00:21:08.000 It's tough when a meathead is also, like, very well-learned, because then there's just, like, a bunch of stuff to be jealous of, you know?

00:21:15.000 Like, the first time we met, I don't know if you remember this, we were in front of your beautiful comedy club, and it was Tim Dillon was there.

00:21:21.000 Yeah.

00:21:22.000 And we went to shake hands, and it was the first time I met you, and we shook like this.

00:21:26.000 What do we do?

00:21:27.000 My fingers.

00:21:28.000 Oh, your fingers curled up?

00:21:29.000 Yeah, and I was like, well, I just blew it.

00:21:31.000 I don't even remember it.

00:21:32.000 Oh, I do.

00:21:32.000 I've thought about it a lot, Joe.

00:21:34.000 Yeah, no, I was like, well, that's not how you shake hands as a human being.

00:21:36.000 Guess what?

00:21:37.000 We just did it again.

00:21:38.000 You want some of that?

00:21:38.000 It felt good.

00:21:39.000 What is that?

00:21:39.000 It's marijuana.

00:21:39.000 Oh, I'm good, man.

00:21:40.000 You scared of that shit? 1.00

00:21:41.000 I used to smoke it 24-7. 1.00

00:21:43.000 What happened?

00:21:44.000 I started having panic attacks.

00:21:45.000 Oh.

00:21:46.000 Yeah, it started giving me, like, heart attack symptoms.

00:21:48.000 Those are fun.

00:21:49.000 No, I wrote it out too. 0.97

00:21:51.000 I tried for like three years after that shit started happening. 0.66

00:21:53.000 I would just be like getting high in a car and I'd feel like something fluttered in my chest and I'd be like, well, this is how I go down, waiting in line at Chick-fil-A. Maybe it was the Wings of Angels. 0.95

00:22:00.000 It could have been, yeah.

00:22:02.000 It was that LDS lady, that Mormon lady who loves snake oil so much she believes in Capricorns. 1.00

00:22:08.000 In the arms of the angels.

00:22:11.000 That's what it is.

00:22:12.000 That's the flittering.

00:22:13.000 That's the flittering inside of you.

00:22:14.000 I mean, when I go down, I'm going to go down in a big old way.

00:22:16.000 You think so?

00:22:17.000 You're thinking about it.

00:22:18.000 Of course, all the time.

00:22:19.000 How often?

00:22:20.000 How old are you now?

00:22:21.000 35. You look good for 35. Come on.

00:22:25.000 Come on, Joe.

00:22:34.000 I see through this.

00:22:35.000 What age are you pushing for?

00:22:36.000 I would like to hit 70. That'd be sick.

00:22:38.000 Oh, you could do that.

00:22:39.000 Yeah.

00:22:40.000 Yeah.

00:22:41.000 Well...

00:22:41.000 Because the meat's not marbled the way you think it is.

00:22:43.000 Like, yes, there is this topsoil of soft, doughy fat.

00:22:46.000 But underneath there is some bulk?

00:22:48.000 Yeah.

00:22:48.000 Did you do sports as a kid?

00:22:50.000 Oh, yeah.

00:22:50.000 Do you exercise at all now?

00:22:52.000 Yeah.

00:22:52.000 Were you all-state in what?

00:22:53.000 All-state football? 1.00

00:22:54.000 No shit. 1.00

00:22:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:55.000 Wow.

00:22:55.000 Yeah, me and Shane would have been a hell of an offensive line.

00:22:57.000 Why you and Shane get together and fucking snap each other into shape? 0.95

00:23:00.000 Shane's actually gotten into shape. 0.99

00:23:01.000 I know.

00:23:01.000 He looks a lot better.

00:23:02.000 Yeah.

00:23:02.000 He's starting to look bulky again.

00:23:04.000 Uh-huh.

00:23:05.000 He's obsessed with his biceps.

00:23:06.000 Shows the guns.

00:23:07.000 Shows the guns.

00:23:07.000 They're pretty big.

00:23:08.000 I know.

00:23:08.000 Big guy.

00:23:09.000 And there's this cage fighter in Arkansas that used to open for me, Chris Pierce.

00:23:15.000 And he made me buy weights during pandemic.

00:23:19.000 Because he just like body shamed me to the point of me being like, well, it's either this or a bullet and a gun, you know? 0.97

00:23:24.000 So I got in there and I've been like, you know, deadlifting and shit and everything with my legs. 0.98

00:23:29.000 It's the upper body that I fear because it's so weak. 0.97

00:23:32.000 Well, you can get into shape, buddy.

00:23:35.000 I'm trying.

00:23:35.000 I want to live.

00:23:36.000 Okay.

00:23:37.000 As I light a cigar at 1.30.

00:23:39.000 We can help you.

00:23:40.000 Yeah, I know.

00:23:40.000 I know people in Denver.

00:23:41.000 Yeah.

00:23:42.000 There's a lot of good gyms in Denver.

00:23:43.000 I know.

00:23:44.000 I live in Fort Collins now.

00:23:45.000 Oh, how far is that?

00:23:46.000 An hour.

00:23:47.000 Okay.

00:23:47.000 I'm also on the road all the time.

00:23:49.000 Right.

00:23:49.000 So it's really hard to be a human being when you're out there.

00:23:51.000 It's hard.

00:23:53.000 Yeah, the road is tricky.

00:23:55.000 You gotta treat it like work. 1.00

00:23:57.000 She's a fickle bitch, the road. 1.00

00:23:59.000 When you get into that hotel room, you want to take a nap, but you really can't. 1.00

00:24:02.000 You really gotta go to the gym.

00:24:04.000 Well, you want to nap after you whack.

00:24:05.000 That too.

00:24:06.000 You want to pull a pud, and then you want to nap, and then you want to eat something terrible.

00:24:08.000 If I know I need to nap, that's when I'll give you a little part of the rescue.

00:24:11.000 I gave it up.

00:24:12.000 Gave up beating off?

00:24:13.000 I gotta save it for my wife. 0.98

00:24:15.000 Oh.

00:24:15.000 I gotta give her my essence.

00:24:17.000 I get it.

00:24:17.000 Yeah.

00:24:18.000 Trying to make a kid?

00:24:18.000 No.

00:24:19.000 What?

00:24:20.000 You just want a good volume.

00:24:22.000 Well, yeah, that's what I'm worried about is a heft of load.

00:24:25.000 I want it to be a bulky deposit.

00:24:27.000 Imagine if your self-esteem was connected to the size of your load.

00:24:32.000 When you're a lad, it is, dude.

00:24:34.000 I mean, but sort of.

00:24:35.000 Yeah.

00:24:36.000 Not so crazy.

00:24:37.000 Like, if it's a big one, it's like, whoa.

00:24:38.000 But if it's like a regular one, it doesn't, like, bum you out.

00:24:41.000 No.

00:24:42.000 In fact, I'm excited when it's little.

00:24:44.000 Are you?

00:24:44.000 Really?

00:24:45.000 Yeah, it's less of a mess.

00:24:46.000 Ah, there you go.

00:24:46.000 Because when you're in a hotel, you know where it goes.

00:24:48.000 That's right.

00:24:49.000 Yeah.

00:24:49.000 Yeah, you gotta shower off.

00:24:51.000 Immediately.

00:24:52.000 Immediately.

00:24:52.000 Yeah, you just glaze the ham and then you go hop in the shower.

00:24:55.000 Or just do a Gator roll in the sheets.

00:24:56.000 Ha! 0.89

00:24:59.000 It's totally up to you.

00:25:00.000 Make it the Hyatt's problem.

00:25:02.000 Yeah, but then you have that sheet stuck to you and you look like the dumpling paper.

00:25:06.000 Well, not you, but my body, you know.

00:25:08.000 Just live in shame.

00:25:09.000 I do!

00:25:10.000 Just live in shame.

00:25:10.000 That's what we do.

00:25:11.000 Accept it.

00:25:12.000 If I was confident, I wouldn't be funny, you know?

00:25:15.000 That's the craziest part of this whole thing.

00:25:17.000 Well, it's definitely like a motivating factor, right?

00:25:19.000 Yeah.

00:25:20.000 Yeah, it's interesting, like, the different motivating factors that people get into when they get into comedy.

00:25:28.000 What year were you when you thought about doing it?

00:25:31.000 Dude, there's like a video of me as like a two or three year old sliding into the kitchen on my knees saying, I just flew in from Vegas and boy, my arm's tired.

00:25:40.000 It was like a preconceived, like there's no thought.

00:25:43.000 I'd have no memory of not wanting to be a comedian.

00:25:45.000 Wow.

00:25:45.000 What year were you, how old were you rather when you first tried it?

00:25:49.000 2005, I was 18. Wow.

00:25:52.000 That's a good time.

00:25:54.000 Yeah.

00:25:54.000 I started when I was 21 because I thought you had to wait until you were 21 to get into the bars.

00:25:58.000 To get into the bars.

00:25:59.000 Then I met a guy there who was 19. I was like, how'd you get in here?

00:26:02.000 And he's like, yeah, I just got to tell him that you're here to just do comedy and they make sure you don't drink.

00:26:07.000 They X your hands.

00:26:08.000 You stand, like, by the door.

00:26:09.000 Is that what it is? 1.00

00:26:10.000 I did all that shit, too, yeah. 0.99

00:26:12.000 The Squire Lounge, the Lion's Lair in Denver, when I was starting. 0.99

00:26:14.000 Dude, that's great.

00:26:15.000 Yeah.

00:26:16.000 What a good time to start.

00:26:17.000 Dude, it was perfect.

00:26:18.000 And also, girls were involved now.

00:26:21.000 And all of a sudden, I was, like, you know, desirable.

00:26:23.000 Because you're funny.

00:26:24.000 Because you're funny.

00:26:25.000 Yeah.

00:26:26.000 Yeah.

00:26:26.000 And then you're also, like, bright-eyed, and you just...

00:26:28.000 I have this, like...

00:26:30.000 All-consuming romance to my life, you know?

00:26:32.000 Well, there's a thing about someone who's obsessed with a goal.

00:26:36.000 It's very attractive to people because it's like secretly what everybody kind of wants to be.

00:26:41.000 Not everybody, but a lot of people want to be in some ways like really dedicated to some dream.

00:26:47.000 Yeah, it's admirable.

00:26:48.000 There's a great video that we put up on the Mothership Instagram site, and it's Bill Burr.

00:26:54.000 And Bill Burr is talking about...

00:26:56.000 Oh, yeah.

00:26:57.000 You know that video?

00:26:57.000 Yeah, where he's sleeping on a couch.

00:26:59.000 Let's play it, because what he says is amazing.

00:27:03.000 And it speaks to every comic who got through that and made it, and every comic who's in the middle of it right now.

00:27:11.000 It's on mine, too.

00:27:12.000 You can find it online.

00:27:14.000 You don't.

00:27:14.000 It always leads to something better.

00:27:16.000 Always.

00:27:17.000 Alright?

00:27:19.000 Starving artist.

00:27:20.000 You don't hurt yourself going for a dream.

00:27:23.000 Here it is.

00:27:24.000 You don't.

00:27:24.000 It always leads to something better.

00:27:26.000 Always.

00:27:27.000 Alright?

00:27:29.000 Starving artist.

00:27:30.000 I slept on a futon until I was 36. I don't fucking regret any of it. 0.98

00:27:35.000 I was dating this woman, and I said I had a spot I had to go do, and it paid $8 at the comic strip during the week. 0.97

00:27:43.000 Tuesday night, I went down there, and I came back.

00:27:45.000 I tried out a new bit, and afterwards, I was at home in my apartment, and I was doing this silly dance in the kitchen because I had a new bit, and I was psyched because I had gone through this period where I wasn't coming up with any new material.

00:27:59.000 And she was laughing, and then she got a sad look on her face, and I said, what's the matter?

00:28:03.000 And she said, I wish I had a job where I only got paid $8, yet I came home and I did a silly dance in the kitchen.

00:28:12.000 The responsible thing to do is to listen to your heart.

00:28:16.000 It wasn't hard to work at the shitty job because I was always thinking about the exciting job I was going to do afterwards.

00:28:22.000 And every night that I just went up on stage and if it just went moderately okay, I couldn't believe it. 0.51

00:28:29.000 I couldn't believe...

00:28:30.000 I have to be honest with you, like... 0.93

00:28:34.000 I couldn't fucking believe that I was actually doing it. 0.85

00:28:39.000 That I was actually... 0.95

00:28:40.000 I had a dream and I was making it happen.

00:28:43.000 And I still remember the first time I really went on stage and I actually got in the zone for what was considered a zone at the level comic I was.

00:28:55.000 And I only was in the zone for about eight seconds.

00:28:59.000 I was at Nick's Comedy Stop in Framingham on Route 9. It doesn't even exist anymore.

00:29:06.000 And I just got on this roll of laughter that I was actually able to pause and fucking be in the moment and enjoy it rather than be like, Oh my God, what's my next joke?

00:29:19.000 What's my next joke? 0.84

00:29:20.000 And... 1.00

00:29:22.000 That fucking feeling can carry you through a fucking shitty job for a week. 1.00

00:29:28.000 Freddie Stone. 1.00

00:29:29.000 Excitable boy.

00:29:31.000 That's what he went by.

00:29:32.000 I did a room for him and he gave me five dollars gas money. 0.96

00:29:35.000 I'd probably spent ten to get there and I couldn't fucking believe it.

00:29:39.000 And I was like, I did that and they gave me this. 0.97

00:29:42.000 I couldn't fucking believe it.

00:29:43.000 At what point, just listen to the sound of my voice as I'm talking about this. 0.82

00:29:47.000 Have you ever had that level of excitement? 0.99

00:29:50.000 Doing any other fucking job. 0.99

00:29:52.000 That's what it's like when you go after a dream job. 1.00

00:29:58.000 So...

00:29:59.000 Nothing.

00:30:02.000 Nothing is worse than not going after it.

00:30:05.000 Yee-haw. 0.97

00:30:06.000 Gets me fucking fired up, dude. 0.99

00:30:08.000 Yee-fucking-haw. 1.00

00:30:09.000 Yes. 0.97

00:30:10.000 I had no regrets.

00:30:12.000 I was eating out of dumpsters, I was sleeping on floors.

00:30:14.000 You ate out of dumpsters? 0.74

00:30:15.000 Hell yeah, dude.

00:30:16.000 What'd you get out of a dumpster?

00:30:17.000 You'd go to 7-Eleven, and you would get when they threw out the chicken wings and the pizza.

00:30:22.000 Did you time it?

00:30:24.000 Yeah, he knew the time.

00:30:25.000 As it hit the dumpster, you could get in there quick?

00:30:27.000 There was a window.

00:30:28.000 It was about a half hour to an hour when he knew it was going to hit the dumpster.

00:30:31.000 What's the best thing you ever got out of a dumpster?

00:30:33.000 Croissants. 1.00

00:30:34.000 Damn. 1.00

00:30:34.000 And bagels in upstate New York. 1.00

00:30:36.000 Are they in the package still?

00:30:36.000 No.

00:30:37.000 They were on trash, yeah. 0.99

00:30:39.000 Oh, no. 0.97

00:30:40.000 Yeah.

00:30:40.000 Oh, no's right.

00:30:41.000 But also, I didn't have a job.

00:30:43.000 What was the trash that they were on, though?

00:30:44.000 Are we talking cardboard boxes?

00:30:46.000 There were some boxes. 0.99

00:30:47.000 Or are we talking food and coffee grounds and shit? 0.98

00:30:49.000 Yeah, it was in all sorts. 0.99

00:30:50.000 Oh, boy.

00:30:51.000 Yeah.

00:30:52.000 But I didn't have to wake up at any time.

00:30:54.000 You know, it was a survival mechanism because I was attacking stand-up so hard.

00:30:58.000 Wow.

00:30:58.000 Yeah.

00:30:59.000 Sleeping on the ground, taking greyhounds, all that shit. 0.99

00:31:01.000 Now you look back and you're like, that's romantic. 0.98

00:31:03.000 I remember the bus days.

00:31:04.000 Yeah.

00:31:05.000 I did the bus to at least two gigs that I can remember.

00:31:08.000 Yeah.

00:31:08.000 I was like, oh my god.

00:31:10.000 When you're on the bus, man, you're on just, like, who knows how many serial killers are with you? 0.99

00:31:14.000 Who knows how many fucked up people are on that bus? 0.99

00:31:17.000 I was the only white boy on a bus from Houston to Lafayette, Louisiana. 1.00

00:31:20.000 How was that?

00:31:21.000 It was awesome.

00:31:22.000 It was a mobile party, dude.

00:31:23.000 It was like a cameo video.

00:31:24.000 Really?

00:31:24.000 Yeah, because I was sitting in the back, and then the bus loaded up, and people were passing around bottles of gin, and I had a weed hash pen.

00:31:31.000 So as soon as that gin bottle hit me, they all, like, looked at me, and I was like, And then I hit the weed pen and blew it out, and everyone was like, alright.

00:31:38.000 And then the pen circulated.

00:31:39.000 By the time I got off that bus, I was blackout drunk, but boy was I invited to a lot of barbecues.

00:31:46.000 Yeah.

00:31:46.000 That's awesome.

00:31:47.000 It was awesome, man.

00:31:48.000 That's awesome.

00:31:48.000 Yeah.

00:31:49.000 Yeah, they do church better.

00:31:50.000 They do buses better.

00:31:51.000 Yeah.

00:31:51.000 Black folks got a lot of stuff figured out.

00:31:53.000 Very admirable.

00:31:54.000 White people haven't figured out yet. 0.99

00:31:55.000 Yeah, we're so uptight, man. 0.90

00:31:56.000 Yeah.

00:31:57.000 Well, their church is definitely more fun.

00:31:58.000 Yeah, they have gospel music. 0.96

00:31:59.000 There's no more fun in America than the black churches. 1.00

00:32:02.000 They dance and sing. 0.94

00:32:03.000 And that's why I'm sure you've seen that video of Biden at a black church.

00:32:07.000 Oh, yeah.

00:32:07.000 And just standing there like not knowing.

00:32:09.000 Everybody's like having a great fucking time. 0.99

00:32:11.000 My favorite video from a black church ever is the I'm Not Gay No More. 1.00

00:32:15.000 Dude, slam dunk! 0.99

00:32:16.000 That guy deserves a goddamn Academy Award just for the entertainment value of that video. 1.00

00:32:24.000 And the acting, because he was clearly still gay. 1.00

00:32:28.000 He's delivered, bro! 0.97

00:32:30.000 I'm not gay no more! 0.97

00:32:32.000 I am delivered! 0.99

00:32:35.000 I don't like men no more!

00:32:37.000 I'm not delivered!

00:32:44.000 And my favorite part is when everybody dances with him.

00:32:48.000 And they do like one of the gayest things ever. 1.00

00:32:49.000 They surround him like a gangbang. 0.56

00:32:52.000 And he loves it.

00:32:53.000 There's like 30 guys around him.

00:32:55.000 Look at his complex bow tie.

00:32:57.000 That bow tie is outrageous for a straight man.

00:33:00.000 I am deserving.

00:33:04.000 It's again?

00:33:06.000 No, I think it's on a loop.

00:33:08.000 Why are you lying in church? 1.00

00:33:10.000 That's the same way that a 12-year-old boy that is straight lies about getting pussy, where he's like, I've had pussy! 1.00

00:33:16.000 Women, women, women, women! 1.00

00:33:18.000 All kinds, bro!

00:33:20.000 Yeah, now they're all dancing together.

00:33:23.000 I think he came out recently and was like, that was a lie.

00:33:26.000 I'm still very gay.

00:33:26.000 He's got a popular Instagram account.

00:33:28.000 Good for him.

00:33:29.000 Good for him. 0.99

00:33:30.000 Because that's what's fucked up about that, is that if you want to get accepted in that religion, they have a thing about gay people. 0.99

00:33:37.000 Like in a lot of religions. 0.99

00:33:38.000 Not just that one.

00:33:39.000 Not just Christianity.

00:33:41.000 Andrew Caldwell.

00:33:43.000 Mr. Delivered!

00:33:45.000 That's hilarious!

00:33:47.000 Delivered!

00:33:47.000 But that's the best way to say it.

00:33:49.000 I am delivered!

00:33:51.000 That's good branding.

00:33:52.000 That's not bad.

00:33:53.000 Now we helped him.

00:33:54.000 Give him a little boost. 1.00

00:33:56.000 It's just fuck that you can't be both religious and gay. 1.00

00:33:59.000 Like, come on. 1.00

00:34:00.000 Gay guys are super fun. 0.90

00:34:01.000 Black guys are super fun. 0.98

00:34:02.000 Gay black guys? 0.99

00:34:03.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:34:04.000 Oh my god.

00:34:05.000 There's no much fun.

00:34:05.000 They'll be the greatest church of all time.

00:34:06.000 Gay black church? 0.99

00:34:08.000 I think they call that the club. 0.99

00:34:10.000 That's true, too.

00:34:11.000 It's just a foam party.

00:34:12.000 Yeah, dude, when we lived in Hollywood, right down the street from the comedy store was Boys Town.

00:34:17.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:17.000 And if you drove there on the way to the 405, it's five blocks of partying, man.

00:34:21.000 It's going off.

00:34:22.000 They're going off.

00:34:23.000 Yeah, dude.

00:34:24.000 Randomly see dudes with, like, chaps on and cowboy hats with no shirt.

00:34:29.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:29.000 Just kissing on the street.

00:34:30.000 Wearing sunglasses at 3 a.m.

00:34:32.000 Yeah, I always joke around about it, but it's like five blocks of no one saying no.

00:34:36.000 Mm-hmm.

00:34:36.000 Because it's all yang, no yin, and no one can get pregnant.

00:34:39.000 They suck my tongue. 0.98

00:34:41.000 It's a lot of that. 0.99

00:34:42.000 Okay, here's the suck my tongue thing. 0.99

00:34:44.000 Here's the problem with that video. 0.96

00:34:45.000 Here's the problem with that.

00:34:46.000 The whole Dalai Lama thing.

00:34:49.000 Because the tinfoil hat 4chan-style conspiracy theory is that there's elite pedophiles that run the world, right?

00:34:58.000 And I'm always reluctant to buy into that.

00:35:02.000 But then I watch a few documentaries, and I read a few cases, and then you hear about the Epstein Island thing, and then he gets out of it the first time.

00:35:12.000 Boys Town, the Franklin scandal.

00:35:13.000 There's a bunch of those.

00:35:15.000 And you go, how...

00:35:17.000 Like, does that still exist?

00:35:19.000 Like, is it happening right now?

00:35:21.000 Yeah.

00:35:21.000 Yes.

00:35:22.000 And someone's gonna uncover it.

00:35:24.000 The Catholic Church.

00:35:25.000 Uh-huh.

00:35:26.000 How crazy is that?

00:35:27.000 The Dalai Lama.

00:35:28.000 The Dalai Lama.

00:35:28.000 I mean, who knows?

00:35:29.000 Who knows?

00:35:30.000 I don't want to smurge the Dalai Lama.

00:35:32.000 Maybe he just thinks it's fun. 0.98

00:35:33.000 It's funny and silly. 0.88

00:35:35.000 It was a bit he was doing? 0.89

00:35:36.000 Yeah, a little funny thing.

00:35:37.000 We've all bombed. 0.98

00:35:38.000 We've all had a boy suck our tongue. 0.98

00:35:40.000 If you thought it was going to get a laugh. 0.97

00:35:43.000 Yeah, if he thought it would kill, it's a good closer. 0.70

00:35:46.000 Yeah, just a freak.

00:35:47.000 It's shock jock stuff.

00:35:48.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:35:49.000 He's like Bubba the Love Sponge.

00:35:50.000 Ha! 0.89

00:35:51.000 I like Bubba.

00:35:52.000 I got nothing against Bubba.

00:35:53.000 It's a hilarious name.

00:35:54.000 Bubba's a good guy.

00:35:55.000 Yeah.

00:35:56.000 Maybe it's...

00:36:00.000 I think that it's legit, man.

00:36:02.000 But is it chicken or the egg?

00:36:04.000 Right, right, right.

00:36:05.000 That's the thing that people always say about child molesters in particular, that someone did it to them.

00:36:12.000 Right.

00:36:13.000 Heard people, heard people. 0.98

00:36:15.000 Yeah, and that somehow or another they're paused in that stage of their emotional development where they got raped. 0.79

00:36:22.000 It's like when you hear an adult woman who still talks like a nine-year-old girl. 0.98

00:36:25.000 You're like, oh no.

00:36:27.000 What happened here? 1.00

00:36:29.000 Some girls do that just to play dumb with you. 1.00

00:36:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:36:31.000 It's like a real piano. 0.99

00:36:32.000 Uh-huh.

00:36:32.000 Boy, do I fall for that.

00:36:33.000 And then you hear them on the phone with their accountant.

00:36:35.000 Yeah.

00:36:35.000 Whoa.

00:36:36.000 So you have an accountant? 1.00

00:36:37.000 This bitch can talk. 1.00

00:36:38.000 Why are you fucking me? 1.00

00:36:38.000 How come she can talk so well? 1.00

00:36:41.000 When she's around me, she plays dumb. 1.00

00:36:44.000 That'd be a great move for a girl. 1.00

00:36:46.000 Like, you know, go after some old billionaire.

00:36:49.000 And Nicole Smith?

00:36:50.000 Well, I don't think she played.

00:36:52.000 I think that was like a real clear transactional agreement.

00:36:55.000 Dude, she got me going as a young buck. 1.00

00:36:58.000 She was hot as fuck. 1.00

00:36:59.000 Bro, there's so much woman. 1.00

00:37:00.000 So much woman.

00:37:01.000 So much woman.

00:37:02.000 That was a big old Texas woman. 1.00

00:37:03.000 Yes, big hair.

00:37:04.000 That was like a 160 pounder.

00:37:06.000 I'd bet 220 by the end.

00:37:08.000 Yeah, the end is not what I'm going on.

00:37:09.000 Oh, I'm going on the end.

00:37:11.000 I'm going on the thicker days.

00:37:12.000 Yeah, when I could actually get her.

00:37:14.000 Ah!

00:37:14.000 Yeah, when I had a shot.

00:37:16.000 At the end, if you just had a bag of pills, she'd been yours.

00:37:18.000 Oh, yeah, you'd just shake her.

00:37:19.000 See, that's her in the early, early days. 0.99

00:37:20.000 Yeah, and look.

00:37:21.000 Yeah, she was lovely. 0.75

00:37:22.000 But I'm talking deathbed Anna Nicole Smith.

00:37:24.000 Ooh, boy.

00:37:25.000 That's her a little larger. 0.75

00:37:27.000 Yeah, she's punishing that guy's lap. 1.00

00:37:29.000 That's what I'm talking about.

00:37:30.000 That guy's getting hurt.

00:37:30.000 Yeah, when your femurs are sore.

00:37:32.000 His thighs. 0.60

00:37:33.000 He's going to get nerve damage from that.

00:37:34.000 That's dangerous. 1.00

00:37:35.000 Goddamn, dude. 0.99

00:37:36.000 She was super hot when she was young. 0.99

00:37:38.000 I think top to bottom.

00:37:40.000 I see no faults in her. 0.99

00:37:41.000 Yeah, well, she's a fucking genetic specimen, and then there's a lot of, you know, surgery intervention. 1.00

00:37:47.000 Thank you, Jamie. 0.99

00:37:49.000 Thank you for bringing me back. 0.98

00:37:50.000 Isn't it fascinating that, like, big giant fake tits are so attractive to men, and it's so obvious? 1.00

00:37:56.000 It's like the most obvious trick of all time. 0.99

00:37:59.000 The most obvious trick.

00:38:00.000 Yeah.

00:38:01.000 Like, we know 100% of the time when they're fake, and no one cares.

00:38:05.000 Well, we also love Up Close Magic, and we know that's a ruse.

00:38:08.000 Yeah, but Up Close Magic is, like, way more deceptive.

00:38:12.000 Yeah.

00:38:12.000 You know, they're really good.

00:38:14.000 I had David...

00:38:15.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:38:17.000 Like, what is he doing?

00:38:18.000 David Blaine freaked me the fuck out, man, because he did... 1.00

00:38:20.000 Jamie's good at spotting this shit, too. 1.00

00:38:22.000 And Jamie sat there. 1.00

00:38:24.000 He goes, I'm just going to watch everything he does.

00:38:25.000 I'm going to keep my eyes on him, and I'm going to try to figure out what he's doing.

00:38:28.000 And he could not figure it out.

00:38:29.000 And the dude rolled his sleeves up, too, to show it. 1.00

00:38:31.000 It was wild shit. 1.00

00:38:33.000 He was doing some wild shit. 1.00

00:38:34.000 He was doing some sleight of hand that was like, he might know real witchcraft. 0.99

00:38:38.000 This might be like one of them comic book things where God makes a living being a magician, but he's actually a wizard.

00:38:46.000 Legitimately.

00:38:47.000 Gamel still had to pay the bills.

00:38:48.000 Didn't you feel like that?

00:38:50.000 He's a wizard.

00:38:51.000 Yeah.

00:38:51.000 It's not real.

00:38:52.000 He's not a real person.

00:38:53.000 I also didn't want to know, because then it ruins it.

00:38:55.000 That does, dude, yeah.

00:38:56.000 But then he made me do things that was totally real.

00:38:59.000 Like when I stuck that metal rod through his skin, I'm like, I know what you're doing.

00:39:03.000 You just can deal with pain.

00:39:04.000 Did you see what happened to him recently at his show in Vegas?

00:39:07.000 No.

00:39:08.000 Two accidents happened.

00:39:09.000 Oh, no.

00:39:10.000 With Blaine?

00:39:11.000 Yeah, one, the first one was crazy, but then another one happened.

00:39:15.000 First one, you know the, uh, it's an illusion, if you go, there's like a spike, and then there's like bags or cups over one of the spikes, and you gotta like figure out.

00:39:22.000 Oh, and he hit the spike?

00:39:23.000 He pulled someone from the crowd, and they picked the wrong one, and his hand went right through it.

00:39:27.000 Oh, no!

00:39:28.000 A guy in the audience did?

00:39:29.000 Oh, it was a woman, but yeah. 0.99

00:39:30.000 Oh, no!

00:39:31.000 A woman's hand? 1.00

00:39:32.000 No, no.

00:39:33.000 Put his hand through it.

00:39:34.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:39:36.000 And then another one, he jumped off of a very high thing into boxes and hit the ground and separated his shoulder and had to have doctors from the crowd come in and try to put it back in place in the middle of the show.

00:39:49.000 It took like an hour.

00:39:50.000 Oh, no.

00:39:51.000 This sounds like a work, man.

00:39:53.000 It sort of seems that way because I've seen enough of his show.

00:39:55.000 I don't think so, man.

00:39:56.000 I think he's a fascinating guy. 0.64

00:39:59.000 Really fucking smart dude and really nice guy, too. 0.99

00:40:02.000 And he is obsessed with, like, first of all, the sleight of hand shit. 0.99

00:40:08.000 It's insane, right, Jamie? 1.00

00:40:10.000 Oh, yeah.

00:40:10.000 Yeah, no.

00:40:11.000 Like, tell me, like, when you were watching it, tell me you weren't, like, absolutely blown away.

00:40:15.000 There's extra stuff going on that you can't even, you'd have to break it down for about an hour or two with someone who's really smart.

00:40:20.000 You'd have to, like, watch him on high-speed video and then slow it down to, like, a couple frames a second.

00:40:27.000 Here's the jumping accident.

00:40:30.000 I don't want to watch this.

00:40:31.000 But you can barely tell what happens.

00:40:34.000 Oh, dude, I can tell what happens?

00:40:37.000 That's fear factor. 1.00

00:40:38.000 Bro, that shit's ridiculous. 1.00

00:40:45.000 Glad he wore a lav mic for that. 1.00

00:40:48.000 They edited together this video.

00:40:51.000 Jesus Christ.

00:40:52.000 He was in pain there.

00:40:53.000 So he's a skilled magician, and he's also willing to get hurt.

00:40:57.000 And he also is willing to stand on ice for three days. 0.99

00:41:00.000 What the fuck did he do? 0.97

00:41:01.000 Also, that's not magic, though. 0.99

00:41:03.000 No.

00:41:03.000 Well, neither was the standing on ice thing.

00:41:05.000 He did a lot of those weird things.

00:41:07.000 There's a magic to that, though.

00:41:08.000 That's like mind over matter.

00:41:09.000 It's like an ancient kind of magic from a time before language.

00:41:13.000 If it was real mind over matter, you could do it forever.

00:41:17.000 It's not mind over matter.

00:41:18.000 It's just will.

00:41:19.000 You just have to be able to tolerate extreme cold and just deal with it.

00:41:24.000 And you do breathing exercises to force your body heat to stay warmer.

00:41:27.000 But then there's also the contact of your skin versus the cold that'll eventually...

00:41:32.000 You get a thermal layer.

00:41:33.000 One of the things that happens when you put ice on something is it develops a thermal layer.

00:41:37.000 Your skin gets really red underneath it.

00:41:40.000 If you ever look at your arm when you pull the ice off, it's all red.

00:41:45.000 You know, when you get out of an ice bath, your skin's super red.

00:41:48.000 Yeah.

00:41:48.000 And that's what's going on.

00:41:49.000 You develop a thermal layer.

00:41:51.000 I look like a newborn baby after an ice bath.

00:41:53.000 I'm so pink.

00:41:54.000 I think the same thing probably applies to that.

00:41:59.000 I think after a while, the parts that are touching the ice, it doesn't bother you as much anymore.

00:42:04.000 Like, whether it's the bottom of your feet, you could get frosty.

00:42:07.000 Exactly.

00:42:07.000 Did he have anything under his feet?

00:42:09.000 When he did the ice, he was clothed.

00:42:12.000 Oh, okay, well that makes more sense.

00:42:14.000 Probably have to be, so your body doesn't touch the ice.

00:42:18.000 Just encased.

00:42:19.000 Yeah, so basically...

00:42:21.000 He went full Encino man.

00:42:23.000 If you have, like, I don't know what he was wearing, right?

00:42:25.000 But you can wear some stuff that's remarkably warm, even if it gets wet, like merino wool.

00:42:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:33.000 Yeah, you can wear, like, a merino wool layer.

00:42:36.000 He could have, like, a thick layer.

00:42:37.000 Like, what is he wearing when he was in the ice?

00:42:39.000 He's shirtless right there.

00:42:40.000 Does he go out to take a leak?

00:42:42.000 Three days.

00:42:43.000 No, that's the only way he warms up.

00:42:45.000 Oh, he's buried alive.

00:42:46.000 Block of ice for two days.

00:42:47.000 So he's in a block of ice, shirtless for two days?

00:42:50.000 Seems like he took it off because he has... 0.99

00:42:52.000 So he's like, man, it's hot as fuck in here. 0.98

00:42:55.000 We're sure that's not Drake? 0.99

00:42:57.000 He's a handsome fellow, isn't he?

00:42:58.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:59.000 Look at his body, too. 1.00

00:43:00.000 Legendary pussy getter, this guy. 1.00

00:43:01.000 Look at David Blaine's body. 1.00

00:43:02.000 Oh, yeah.

00:43:02.000 Quick look on that like that.

00:43:04.000 Jesus, you sexy bitch. 1.00

00:43:05.000 Yep. 1.00

00:43:06.000 Super, like I said, super nice guy too.

00:43:08.000 That's how I see myself in my head.

00:43:11.000 That's how I think I look up top.

00:43:12.000 By the way, he was doing magic tricks for everybody.

00:43:14.000 My daughter came over, he did it for her.

00:43:17.000 He was doing it for security guys.

00:43:18.000 He was doing it for everybody.

00:43:19.000 It was amazing.

00:43:20.000 It's really dope. 0.98

00:43:21.000 And no one figured out what the fuck he was doing. 0.98

00:43:23.000 No, but like Jamie said, you can't look into it. 0.98

00:43:25.000 Did he let you film him?

00:43:26.000 It ruins it.

00:43:27.000 I felt bad.

00:43:29.000 He didn't say anything.

00:43:30.000 I don't think he knew that.

00:43:31.000 He bitched out.

00:43:32.000 That's what he just said. 0.75

00:43:33.000 I just heard I bitched out. 0.99

00:43:35.000 If I got the video of him fucking from right behind, which he didn't approve. 0.99

00:43:39.000 That's true. 1.00

00:43:40.000 From behind is bullshit. 1.00

00:43:41.000 You can't. 1.00

00:43:42.000 But if you can...

00:43:43.000 Get it from the front and see the hands moving.

00:43:46.000 Yeah, he was showing someone else the thing and I walked up behind him with my camera and I was like, ah, this feels...

00:43:50.000 Yeah, but couldn't he make the footage disappear?

00:43:52.000 He can make Jamie disappear.

00:43:54.000 Yeah, he could with that body.

00:43:55.000 Send Jamie to Epstein's Island.

00:43:56.000 Oh, yeah.

00:43:57.000 You'd love it down there, Jamie.

00:43:59.000 There's something I found I saw.

00:44:01.000 There's a video recently about this Epstein Island thing.

00:44:04.000 I was trying to figure this out the show without showing what they showed.

00:44:07.000 I was trying to prove it.

00:44:09.000 If you go back on Google Maps, this pot right here, which used to be a tennis court...

00:44:13.000 Let me put it on the screen.

00:44:15.000 It looks like there were...

00:44:18.000 Dungeons?

00:44:20.000 Digging of some kind of multiple small holes.

00:44:22.000 Little graves?

00:44:23.000 Tiny graves?

00:44:24.000 Yeah, let me show you the...

00:44:24.000 What?!

00:44:25.000 Let me show you the thing, the picture.

00:44:27.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:44:30.000 First of all, why would you do that when you have the ocean right there?

00:44:32.000 It doesn't make any sense. 0.99

00:44:33.000 Also, one of those creeps doesn't want to eat the kid after he fucks it. 0.97

00:44:36.000 But if you drop someone a dead body in the ocean, I would think that would be a way better way of disposing a dead body. 0.98

00:44:41.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:44:42.000 And then you have chum.

00:44:43.000 Yeah, and no one's gonna notice it.

00:44:45.000 No.

00:44:46.000 Oh, it's a tennis court.

00:44:48.000 Hold on, hold on, hold on.

00:44:49.000 I like how there's directions.

00:44:49.000 No, it's over time.

00:44:51.000 See, that's how it used to look.

00:44:52.000 Right.

00:44:52.000 And that's how it kind of looks now.

00:44:54.000 Okay.

00:44:55.000 Whoa.

00:44:55.000 They put up this weird wall.

00:44:57.000 Right.

00:44:57.000 It's like a Mayan ball court.

00:44:59.000 Okay.

00:44:59.000 I'm trying to find the picture I saw.

00:45:02.000 Is this some 4chan shit? 0.99

00:45:04.000 A little bit, 100%. 0.99

00:45:05.000 That's why I was...

00:45:07.000 That's why I was trying to find real proof.

00:45:10.000 A little bit, a little bit, 100%.

00:45:12.000 Jamie just went full QAnon.

00:45:14.000 That's where all the good stuff comes from.

00:45:16.000 Where we go one, we go all.

00:45:18.000 He went all in.

00:45:21.000 You're through the looking glass, Jamie.

00:45:24.000 I feel like there's still stuff up with this that we're never going to find out.

00:45:27.000 I saw a dude recently with a jacket on, like a bomber jacket that said, where we go one, we go all.

00:45:31.000 No, dude.

00:45:32.000 Yes.

00:45:32.000 You got to give up, man.

00:45:33.000 We went all in.

00:45:35.000 You guys lost.

00:45:36.000 I met some lady in Aspen. 1.00

00:45:41.000 And she was with her daughter.

00:45:42.000 She was probably in her early 60s.

00:45:45.000 And she comes up and she goes, I love you.

00:45:48.000 I'm like, oh, thank you.

00:45:50.000 That's so nice of you.

00:45:50.000 She goes, and Donald Trump's our real president.

00:45:52.000 I'm like, he's definitely not.

00:45:55.000 And her daughters, rather, were crying.

00:45:58.000 They were laughing so hard. 0.98

00:45:59.000 They're like, our mom's crazy. 0.99

00:46:00.000 I'm like, your mom's crazy. 0.84

00:46:04.000 So we call her QAnon mom all weekend?

00:46:07.000 Keep an eye out for QAnon mom around the town. 0.96

00:46:09.000 It's crazy.

00:46:10.000 Nice lady! 1.00

00:46:11.000 Very nice lady.

00:46:12.000 Sounds great.

00:46:12.000 Sweetheart of a lady.

00:46:14.000 That was the thought she had to communicate to you.

00:46:16.000 She just wanted to let me know I'm a patriot as well.

00:46:18.000 Like, oh no, what if I... I gotta look at some of them TikTok clips.

00:46:22.000 People are getting the wrong impression of me. 0.98

00:46:25.000 I fucking was a Bernie Sanders supporter. 0.99

00:46:27.000 I know! 1.00

00:46:28.000 These people are so silly. 1.00

00:46:29.000 Yeah, people love to fucking try and make people into what they aren't. 1.00

00:46:33.000 Oh my god, they try to force them into a narrative. 0.98

00:46:35.000 Well, for me, it's just because, first of all, it looks like I should be.

00:46:39.000 I'm a meathead.

00:46:40.000 Yeah.

00:46:40.000 You know, I'm covered in tattoos, and I do cage fighting commentary.

00:46:44.000 Right.

00:46:44.000 Yeah.

00:46:44.000 And I'm a dirty comedian.

00:46:46.000 There's no way you're progressive. 0.98

00:46:48.000 Offensive comedy.

00:46:49.000 Yeah.

00:46:49.000 Yeah, but you get just lumped in.

00:46:53.000 Yeah, I know, man.

00:46:53.000 But it's fun to be lumped in.

00:46:54.000 It's fun.

00:46:55.000 Because one thing that happens is people severely underestimate.

00:47:00.000 Your ability to have a conversation with them about things. 0.99

00:47:03.000 If they're cocky and shitty. 0.98

00:47:05.000 Some people just say things. 0.99

00:47:07.000 They don't even know what they're talking about.

00:47:09.000 They're just repeating a narrative.

00:47:10.000 And you say, actually, that's not true.

00:47:12.000 Here's why it's not true.

00:47:13.000 And then you see this look of panic.

00:47:15.000 When they realize that they're going on assumptions.

00:47:18.000 So they went back on the land here, and this was in 2006, that's what it looked like. 0.99

00:47:23.000 What the fuck? 0.95

00:47:24.000 Which is when, obviously, they were there and that stuff was going on still. 0.99

00:47:29.000 And those aren't just where baby turtle eggs were laid?

00:47:32.000 It doesn't appear that way.

00:47:34.000 It seems like it's pretty high up.

00:47:35.000 I think that's where the tapes are, buddy.

00:47:39.000 I wouldn't say bodies.

00:47:40.000 I would say if you're going to bury bodies, you'd bury them in the ocean. 0.97

00:47:44.000 Or you'd burn them. 0.99

00:47:45.000 Yeah, you could do that. 0.99

00:47:46.000 You could burn them and take them out to the ocean. 0.51

00:47:48.000 When you have the best place to get rid of a body ever, why would you put the shittiest place to get rid of a body? 0.88

00:47:55.000 Sand.

00:47:55.000 Shallow grave.

00:47:57.000 Shallow grave in a very obvious place where people could photograph it with satellites when you're already some sort of intelligence operation. 1.00

00:48:04.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.98

00:48:05.000 When you have Mossad behind you, you're going to do pauper's graves? 1.00

00:48:08.000 Yeah, and last, you're so cocky. 0.99

00:48:10.000 Like, fucking put him anywhere. 1.00

00:48:11.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

00:48:11.000 Who cares? 1.00

00:48:12.000 We're untouchable.

00:48:13.000 This is one of the last things I remember hearing when he died, was that he had a big, giant cement truck shipped out to the island.

00:48:18.000 And everyone was like, what?

00:48:19.000 Three weeks before damning expose was released, paying for machine up front so it would arrive quicker.

00:48:24.000 As experts say, he could have literally covered up evidence.

00:48:28.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:48:28.000 That is bad branding.

00:48:30.000 Pedophile Island?

00:48:31.000 They should have fought for something different.

00:48:33.000 You know that island's still for sale.

00:48:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:48:34.000 You thinking about it?

00:48:35.000 We had discussions about purchasing it for a podcast island.

00:48:40.000 Doing the podcast in that big mosque. 0.97

00:48:45.000 What does he have?

00:48:46.000 That temple.

00:48:47.000 Yeah, that temple.

00:48:49.000 This is the thought.

00:48:50.000 The temple's beautiful on the outside.

00:48:52.000 It's like the colors of the Israeli flag.

00:48:54.000 He's soundproof in there already.

00:48:55.000 There's no way he's Mossad. 0.99

00:48:57.000 It's not like he has a fucking building the color of the Israeli flag. 0.99

00:49:01.000 I mean, that's like if you went to Kid Rock's house and hit a giant billiard hall covered in an American flag from the roof. 0.99

00:49:10.000 That makes sense.

00:49:11.000 This guy literally, this is how much he supports Israel. 0.99

00:49:14.000 He turned his fucking temple into an Israeli flag. 1.00

00:49:17.000 It's on the nose. 1.00

00:49:18.000 It's so on the nose.

00:49:19.000 If you put that in a script, they'd be like...

00:49:20.000 Yeah, so on the nose.

00:49:23.000 We would have to hire a couple Jews for representation. 0.67

00:49:25.000 Because we want to make sure that this is appropriate.

00:49:28.000 Just have Ari live there. 1.00

00:49:29.000 Yes, Ari will run the island. 1.00

00:49:31.000 Ari needs a podcast studio, and he likes to be away from people.

00:49:34.000 So maybe that's actually a good spot for him.

00:49:36.000 You're doing him a favor.

00:49:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:49:38.000 It's probably a good idea.

00:49:39.000 And it's a write-off.

00:49:40.000 But if you bought Pedophile Island... 0.53

00:49:44.000 You would have to destroy all the buildings, because I'm sure they're all bugged to hell.

00:49:47.000 Oh, for sure. 1.00

00:49:48.000 With some high-tech shit that you're never going to be able to spot. 0.99

00:49:51.000 There's a camera in every toilet in there. 1.00

00:49:52.000 Which would be terrible for comedians who talk so much shit. 1.00

00:49:55.000 Try to be silly. 1.00

00:49:57.000 Yeah. 0.95

00:49:57.000 And if you got audio of that. 0.95

00:49:59.000 But then again, you also- Look, it's one thing if you're on the pedophile island, but if you riff and use the N-word, it's all over for you.

00:50:05.000 And here's the other thing.

00:50:07.000 With AI today, how would you even know what's real? 0.97

00:50:11.000 How the fuck would you even know? 0.92

00:50:12.000 Is this it? 0.99

00:50:12.000 These guys snuck up there. 0.99

00:50:14.000 I don't know when.

00:50:14.000 Oh my god, look at that place!

00:50:16.000 Yes. 0.95

00:50:17.000 Bro, that place is dope. 0.65

00:50:18.000 That looks almost Alex Gray style.

00:50:20.000 Look how beautiful it is.

00:50:21.000 It is.

00:50:21.000 It's really just a facade, but we don't know what's underneath it.

00:50:24.000 Because that door's not real, right?

00:50:25.000 That door's not real.

00:50:26.000 J.E. The door's painted.

00:50:28.000 It could be JR. There's a window that you can see here.

00:50:30.000 Yes, JRE. Yeah.

00:50:32.000 JRE. You can see there's a window there.

00:50:34.000 Okay, so inside... 0.99

00:50:35.000 What a shitty window. 0.81

00:50:36.000 Yeah, and so inside is that area where we'll set up the tables. 0.96

00:50:40.000 Yeah.

00:50:40.000 Nice window.

00:50:40.000 And we're going to need Elon's help to get, like, solid satellite Wi-Fi out there.

00:50:45.000 Nice view.

00:50:45.000 You could just project Tim Dillon's face on the side of it.

00:50:48.000 That's kind of small for a studio.

00:50:50.000 We might have to expand.

00:50:51.000 Yeah.

00:50:51.000 Make some more windows.

00:50:52.000 It was built for kids.

00:50:53.000 This is...

00:50:56.000 They didn't have adults in mind when they built that thing.

00:51:01.000 If you think that's small, you should see the cages.

00:51:03.000 Imagine if you go in there, it's a bouncy house.

00:51:05.000 It's a ball pit. 1.00

00:51:07.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

00:51:08.000 I have to take my shoes off still? 1.00

00:51:10.000 Kids, you guys want to go to the ultimate bouncy house?

00:51:12.000 I'm talking on an island.

00:51:14.000 On a private island, just a bouncy house.

00:51:16.000 You want to go where Mr. Chuck E. Cheese lives?

00:51:19.000 You know, Alex Jones told me about that place.

00:51:21.000 It was a long time ago.

00:51:22.000 It was one of the things that...

00:51:23.000 Alex tells you stuff, and he'll say all these things that make sense, and then he'll tell you one where you go, wait a minute.

00:51:29.000 This was one of the wait-a-minutes.

00:51:31.000 There's an island, they take them, they have underage girls, and they compromise them sexually. 1.00

00:51:36.000 He's like, what?

00:51:37.000 It's like he's here.

00:51:38.000 These guys hung out there, apparently.

00:51:40.000 These guys hung out on the island?

00:51:41.000 I mean, this is close to two years ago, same video.

00:51:44.000 Oh, wow.

00:51:45.000 They just kept going back.

00:51:47.000 Snooping around, yeah.

00:51:47.000 Well, I bet there's no one there.

00:51:49.000 Like, who the fuck wants to be the guy guarding Pedophile Island? 0.98

00:51:51.000 Who's the groundskeeper? 0.99

00:51:53.000 Probably nobody wants to go there.

00:51:54.000 I bet you can go there.

00:51:55.000 How come taggers haven't showed up yet?

00:51:57.000 You guys are really just depressing me with your lack of ambition.

00:51:59.000 Let's get some graffiti heads. 0.99

00:52:00.000 It's so easy to just tag downtown LA. Right.

00:52:03.000 Get out to Pedophile Island and leave your fucking mark. 1.00

00:52:06.000 You think a moving subway car is cool? 1.00

00:52:07.000 Get out there.

00:52:08.000 Tag up the temple.

00:52:09.000 Imagine if we put that out there in the world.

00:52:12.000 We just did. 0.97

00:52:12.000 And then cut to taggers and fucking speedboats with like giant sacks of spray paint are headed towards Pedophile Island. 0.97

00:52:21.000 It just says Burt Kreischer is fat. 1.00

00:52:23.000 Yeah. 0.77

00:52:26.000 I know a guy who's a tagger in LA. He's an interesting guy, and he's really good at it.

00:52:32.000 He makes cool shit. 0.99

00:52:33.000 It's an art form. 1.00

00:52:35.000 It's illegal.

00:52:36.000 You shouldn't do it. 1.00

00:52:37.000 You're doing it to people's houses and shit and property. 0.99

00:52:39.000 Well, most of them don't do it to houses and property. 0.99

00:52:41.000 They do it to abandoned buildings, which is fine, and they do it to structures under the LA River, which, like, who the fuck is going down there? 0.98

00:52:49.000 Yeah, a lot of bridge pillars and shit. 0.98

00:52:50.000 The LA River's a weird thing, man. 0.97

00:52:52.000 It's barely a river.

00:52:53.000 You know what it really is?

00:52:54.000 It's an excuse to pollute the ocean.

00:52:56.000 Yeah.

00:52:57.000 That's really what it is.

00:52:58.000 How so?

00:52:58.000 Because it runs, it's covered in cement.

00:53:01.000 It's just a big cement thing.

00:53:03.000 And it runs straight into the ocean. 0.97

00:53:05.000 So anytime it rains, all the shit from all the streets gets in that water. 1.00

00:53:11.000 All the shit. 1.00

00:53:13.000 And then that shit goes out into the ocean. 1.00

00:53:16.000 There was a guy that I used to take yoga with. 1.00

00:53:18.000 He was a yoga instructor from Australia.

00:53:20.000 In Australia, he surfed all the time.

00:53:23.000 And so when he came to America, that's one of the reasons why he wanted to teach out here on the coast or out there on the coast is that he could surf all the time.

00:53:29.000 And no one told him to not surf after the rain. 1.00

00:53:32.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:53:33.000 Because apparently, when you surf after like heavy rain, like it's been raining right now, all the pollution from all the oil and all the cars and all the fucking Bottles and cans and everything. 1.00

00:53:43.000 Use needles. 0.89

00:53:44.000 It all just goes out that big, giant cement trough into the ocean.

00:53:49.000 Just a bunch of spec scripts in there.

00:53:51.000 See if you can find what it looks like, what the LA River looks like.

00:53:53.000 This is where the big concrete enclosure, where they have car races and all the Fast and the Furious movies?

00:53:59.000 Exactly.

00:53:59.000 A lot of times it's dry.

00:54:01.000 And people fish in it.

00:54:03.000 There's videos of guys fishing in it and catching the fish and eating them.

00:54:06.000 No, what's in there?

00:54:07.000 Carp?

00:54:08.000 Gar?

00:54:09.000 I don't know what's in there.

00:54:11.000 Probably carp.

00:54:12.000 Probably carp.

00:54:13.000 And maybe some other, like, bluegills or something like that.

00:54:17.000 Maybe.

00:54:17.000 I don't know.

00:54:18.000 I don't know what's in there.

00:54:18.000 But this guy catches them and cooks them and eats them.

00:54:21.000 And it's really disturbing because, like, I know you're doing this for the gram, buddy.

00:54:25.000 Yeah.

00:54:25.000 You might die from this.

00:54:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:54:27.000 Who the fuck knows what's in that water? 1.00

00:54:29.000 Not me. 0.99

00:54:30.000 So this is the LA River.

00:54:32.000 Oh, God, dude.

00:54:32.000 It's really bad, man.

00:54:33.000 Look at this. 1.00

00:54:34.000 They're just pulling giant chunks of shit. 1.00

00:54:36.000 There's so much trash. 1.00

00:54:38.000 And so the LA River, when it runs into the ocean, this fucking dude was out there surfing. 1.00

00:54:44.000 And he said, dude, he goes, man, I got really, really sick. 0.99

00:54:47.000 Like, he goes, I just was really bedridden.

00:54:50.000 I felt terrible.

00:54:51.000 And then people told him, yeah, man, you can't.

00:54:53.000 He's like, oh, great.

00:54:54.000 It's after the rain.

00:54:55.000 Perfect.

00:54:56.000 No one's out here.

00:54:57.000 Great waves.

00:54:57.000 You know, kind of stormy.

00:54:59.000 But no, buddy, you got to stay the fuck out of there. 0.98

00:55:02.000 Oh, my God, dude. 0.97

00:55:04.000 It's really weird, man.

00:55:05.000 Crews rescue a man from the rain-swollen LA River.

00:55:07.000 Oh, the guy got trapped.

00:55:09.000 He was down there fishing.

00:55:10.000 I wonder what happened.

00:55:11.000 He probably fell in, man.

00:55:12.000 Probably drunk.

00:55:14.000 Every time I've fallen in a river, I've been drunk.

00:55:16.000 This is wild.

00:55:17.000 So is that the rescue guy?

00:55:18.000 Where's the dude?

00:55:20.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:55:20.000 So they've got to swing him over?

00:55:22.000 That is crazy. 1.00

00:55:23.000 Imagine rescuing this dipshit, going, hey, bro, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

00:55:27.000 You're going to get me killed. 1.00

00:55:28.000 I was waiting for my Uber. 1.00

00:55:29.000 Look at this.

00:55:30.000 Oh, we hit the wall. 1.00

00:55:31.000 Hang on, bitch. 1.00

00:55:33.000 That guy's not even holding on to that guy. 1.00

00:55:35.000 Do they have him on a harness?

00:55:36.000 Oh, they do.

00:55:37.000 Okay, they have him on a harness.

00:55:40.000 Look, he's got him in full guard.

00:55:41.000 He's got his back mount.

00:55:42.000 The other guy better watch his neck.

00:55:46.000 Wow. 1.00

00:55:47.000 So the LA River is kind of fucked. 0.99

00:55:49.000 Kind of? 0.99

00:55:49.000 It's kind of not really a river. 0.99

00:55:51.000 I mean, it is a river, I guess.

00:55:52.000 I don't know what it was before they cemented it up, but that's what it looks like.

00:55:56.000 Look at that.

00:55:56.000 That's a car floating down the LA River.

00:55:59.000 And that goes straight into the ocean.

00:56:01.000 So all that runoff from all those streets and all those cities and all that pollution, I don't think there's a filter that stops it when it gets to the ocean.

00:56:09.000 There's not a filter big enough.

00:56:11.000 Yeah, there's not a filter big enough.

00:56:13.000 It's kind of crazy.

00:56:14.000 It's not kind of crazy.

00:56:16.000 There's a great song, L.A. River by Honey Honey.

00:56:18.000 Okay.

00:56:19.000 It's a friend's of mine from L.A. Yeah. 0.68

00:56:22.000 It's a great song, but it's about how fucked up one of the lines is, I thought I saw a body by the weeds.

00:56:30.000 That's where River Phoenix died. 0.99

00:56:32.000 He died in front of the Viper Room, right?

00:56:36.000 So that's what it looks like with water and without water.

00:56:38.000 Show it again without water.

00:56:40.000 So when you go down there without water, people are hanging out down there.

00:56:42.000 You can skateboard, ride your bike. 0.99

00:56:45.000 But there's a lot of fucking sketchy people hanging out. 0.97

00:56:48.000 If you're deciding, what do you want to do today, man? 1.00

00:56:52.000 Let's go down the fucking LA River and start some shit. 1.00

00:56:57.000 I mean, you're dealing with the dregs of society. 1.00

00:56:59.000 This is not an iPhone to be found.

00:57:02.000 No, dude.

00:57:03.000 It's a lot of flip phones.

00:57:04.000 A lot of Androids. 0.99

00:57:06.000 Those old car phones that aren't plugged in.

00:57:09.000 A lot of burner 7-Eleven phones.

00:57:10.000 A lot of people just living out of their shopping cart.

00:57:13.000 A lot of crazy people, homeless people, wild people.

00:57:15.000 Have you seen the shopping carts that are turned into grills?

00:57:18.000 No, but that's a good move.

00:57:19.000 That's a really good move.

00:57:20.000 Solid move.

00:57:21.000 Yeah.

00:57:21.000 Yeah, I mean, shopping guards, you could steal them.

00:57:23.000 Oh, yeah.

00:57:24.000 And if it's the right metal, yeah, makes sense.

00:57:26.000 You just turn it on inside, catch a fish, put it on there. 0.99

00:57:29.000 The fucked up place is San Francisco because they pay them. 0.99

00:57:32.000 They pay them to be homeless. 1.00

00:57:33.000 They give them money every month.

00:57:34.000 And guys move there to be homeless.

00:57:36.000 Yeah, it's a good come up for the outside people.

00:57:39.000 Do you see about that dude, the Cash App guy who got stabbed there?

00:57:41.000 Yeah, of course.

00:57:42.000 There's a video, apparently, of him, like, trying to get help.

00:57:45.000 Yeah.

00:57:46.000 Oh, no.

00:57:46.000 Collapsing, getting back up.

00:57:48.000 Begging for help?

00:57:49.000 Trying to get help.

00:57:49.000 I don't know exactly what it was.

00:57:51.000 I didn't want to watch it.

00:57:52.000 I don't want to watch a guy die.

00:57:54.000 No, that's not my thing.

00:57:55.000 Remember Faces of Death?

00:57:57.000 I do.

00:57:58.000 You know, I was just talking to the Protokta Parks guys today.

00:58:02.000 We were talking about this because I'd watched one too many accident videos for the day.

00:58:06.000 I was like, how many Accidents you guys seeing.

00:58:08.000 Yeah.

00:58:08.000 Because on Instagram in particular, I see so many car accidents.

00:58:12.000 Oh, I hate it.

00:58:12.000 So many people getting hit when they're on a motorcycle.

00:58:15.000 So many people on motorcycles hitting cars and going flying into the air.

00:58:19.000 Like, I'm seeing so much of that.

00:58:20.000 So much more than I ever saw before.

00:58:22.000 You gotta get out of that algorithm, man.

00:58:24.000 Oh, it's too late for that.

00:58:25.000 Is it?

00:58:26.000 Yeah, my algorithm's chaos.

00:58:28.000 Mine's clean.

00:58:29.000 What is yours?

00:58:29.000 Mine's pretty good, man.

00:58:30.000 What do you got in there? 0.79

00:58:31.000 It's large, saggy breasts and then cooking videos. 0.99

00:58:34.000 I have a lot of cooking videos, but I also have a lot of car accidents.

00:58:37.000 Yeah, I don't have any car accidents.

00:58:38.000 I have a lot of people getting shot.

00:58:40.000 There's a lot of people getting attacked by animals.

00:58:43.000 There's a lot of animals attacking other animals.

00:58:45.000 What's going on over there, Joe?

00:58:48.000 That's what's catching your eye?

00:58:49.000 Uh-huh.

00:58:50.000 Okay, well. 0.99

00:58:52.000 Mine's all like tours of the Amsterdam River and shit. 0.98

00:58:55.000 Today I spent quite a bit of time watching an eagle paralyze a hyena. 0.99

00:59:00.000 Wow.

00:59:01.000 He had landed on the hyena's back and he's pulling the hyena's spine apart.

00:59:04.000 No, I like that.

00:59:05.000 And the hyena has, his back legs aren't working, so he's trying to drag himself away from this eagle.

00:59:10.000 Like Lieutenant Dan.

00:59:11.000 Bouncing around.

00:59:12.000 He's actually incredibly strong.

00:59:14.000 He can actually, like, suspend his back legs and move with his front arms because hyenas are that strong.

00:59:18.000 But this eagle's eating his back.

00:59:20.000 It's wild to watch.

00:59:22.000 I couldn't escape an eagle.

00:59:23.000 Jesus Christ, nature's so brutal.

00:59:25.000 Yeah.

00:59:26.000 You ever see the Mongolians when they have eagles on their arms and they chase them after wolves?

00:59:30.000 Yeah.

00:59:30.000 They let them go to kill wolves?

00:59:31.000 Mm-hmm.

00:59:32.000 Yeah, and they have those hoods for the eagles and the hawks.

00:59:35.000 That's a beautiful life.

00:59:36.000 Living on the Mongolian steppe, just eating horse milk all the time, hunting with a bird.

00:59:40.000 Back in the day.

00:59:41.000 I mean, currently.

00:59:42.000 I don't think those guys do it all the time.

00:59:44.000 I think they have competitions out there.

00:59:46.000 There's another video I saw.

00:59:48.000 I was trying to find where this popped up too.

00:59:49.000 There's people that do like drive-by falconing. 1.00

00:59:51.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:59:51.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:59:52.000 So you throw him and he just jacks a bird. 1.00

00:59:53.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:59:55.000 Isn't that crazy? 1.00

00:59:56.000 Because they're not that much bigger than the birds they're jacking.

00:59:59.000 You know?

00:59:59.000 It's like if defensive linemen were running around, they're jacking and eating people.

01:00:05.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:00:06.000 If Warren Sapp got loose.

01:00:09.000 They just shove Warren Sapp out of a window.

01:00:11.000 Indomitian Sioux for sure has eaten someone. 1.00

01:00:13.000 Derek Wolf was in here the other day.

01:00:14.000 Oh yeah.

01:00:15.000 Former Bronco.

01:00:16.000 Former Viking.

01:00:17.000 Former Bronco. 1.00

01:00:18.000 Fucking go back in the lineage. 1.00

01:00:19.000 There's not a doubt in my mind that somewhere in his ancestry there was a bunch of people on a fucking boat waiting to cut people's heads off. 1.00

01:00:27.000 100%. 1.00

01:00:28.000 He's a berserker.

01:00:30.000 100%. 0.65

01:00:30.000 Now imagine if guys like him were like that falcon. 0.65

01:00:34.000 Just running around jacking smaller things.

01:00:39.000 Not that much different.

01:00:41.000 A guy like him eating a guy like me is not that much different than a falcon taking out a crow.

01:00:47.000 Not that much different.

01:00:49.000 Not that different.

01:00:50.000 I think he would eat me first. 0.99

01:00:52.000 He'd eat whoever the fuck he wants to eat. 0.99

01:00:53.000 Whoever he wants at any time. 0.99

01:00:54.000 Would you stop him from eating you?

01:00:55.000 He'd be lucky if he ate you.

01:00:57.000 Yeah.

01:00:57.000 That'd be better than what he also could do to you.

01:00:59.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:01:00.000 I used to have a joke about Brock Lesnar that I'm not worried Brock would rape me. 0.99

01:01:03.000 I'm worried he would use me as a condom to rape something way bigger. 0.97

01:01:10.000 I'm like, Brock, why are we going to the zoo? 1.00

01:01:12.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00

01:01:15.000 He's just rolling up to the panda cage with you in a bag. 1.00

01:01:18.000 He shoots the locks off.

01:01:21.000 There's a video of Brock Lesnar shooting prairie dogs with a.50 caliber rifle.

01:01:25.000 How much prairie dog existed after that?

01:01:27.000 Very little.

01:01:28.000 Very little.

01:01:29.000 And I was like, why would someone do that?

01:01:31.000 But then someone informed me of what prairie dogs do.

01:01:35.000 A lot of horses, they fall into their holes and snap their legs.

01:01:37.000 Oh my god.

01:01:38.000 Yeah, it's a problem. 0.99

01:01:40.000 Nature sucks, man. 1.00

01:01:41.000 Nature sucks fat dicks. 1.00

01:01:42.000 It's no good. 1.00

01:01:43.000 It's so mean.

01:01:44.000 The more I find out about it, the more I want to know less.

01:01:47.000 Bro, it's so mean.

01:01:48.000 Yeah.

01:01:49.000 Dolphins? 0.99

01:01:50.000 Dolphins just fucking puffer fish and passing them around, getting high off of them? 1.00

01:01:53.000 Well, what I watched today is probably the most ruthless shit. 1.00

01:01:56.000 I was talking to a friend of mine today, the lady who gives me the IVs. 0.99

01:02:00.000 I get an IV twice a week, like a vitamin IV, NAD IV. And so we were watching...

01:02:08.000 We're talking about nature.

01:02:10.000 Did you ever see the hornets killing the bees, killing the honeybees?

01:02:14.000 Yeah.

01:02:15.000 Don't they vibrate around them?

01:02:16.000 No, no.

01:02:16.000 That's how the honeybees kill the hornets.

01:02:18.000 But most of the time, they don't do that.

01:02:21.000 The thing is, if the hornets can get into the hive, if there's a crack where they can get into the hive...

01:02:26.000 It's pretty much over.

01:02:28.000 They get in there and they kill everything. 0.92

01:02:30.000 And then they eat the babies.

01:02:31.000 So we were watching this today. 0.99

01:02:33.000 I was like, what kind of fucking bizarre life form are insects? 1.00

01:02:38.000 What kind of ruthless shit that's going on right outside of our eyes? 1.00

01:02:43.000 See, they got into this crack and they just killed the fuck out of everyone. 1.00

01:02:49.000 They killed 30 honeybees or 30 wasps. 0.99

01:02:54.000 Killed 30,000 honeybees.

01:02:57.000 So they went in there and they just cut all the heads off of 30,000 honeybees and then they got to the main hive and they ate all their babies.

01:03:05.000 And that's what they were there for.

01:03:06.000 They were there to eat the babies. 1.00

01:03:08.000 That was the job at hand.

01:03:09.000 Yeah, so you watch them do it.

01:03:10.000 I didn't know how much they could swallow.

01:03:14.000 Because I always felt like bees have a weird, like wasps even, have a weird mouth, right?

01:03:18.000 They have like these big pinchers, but I'm like, they don't have like a big opening.

01:03:23.000 But watch what they do when they get inside. 1.00

01:03:25.000 When they get inside and they start pulling the larva out of the honeycombs, Dude, they just swallow those fucking things. 0.99

01:03:32.000 They just pull them out like this here. 0.99

01:03:34.000 They pull them out and they just start slurping them.

01:03:37.000 Watch how easy he eats this whole thing.

01:03:39.000 I never would have thought they could swallow that much.

01:03:42.000 Look how quick it sucks down. 0.57

01:03:43.000 Just crushing a booger. 1.00

01:03:45.000 Just smashing it into little pieces and engulfing it.

01:03:49.000 Look at this.

01:03:50.000 One of those larvae is like the size of its carapace. 0.86

01:03:53.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:03:53.000 And it's eating the whole thing pretty fucking quickly. 0.97

01:03:56.000 And that is how they get nutrients for their babies. 1.00

01:04:00.000 Right.

01:04:01.000 So they go back and it helps their hive.

01:04:04.000 The whole thing is bad.

01:04:05.000 Beyond.

01:04:05.000 And that's just happening all the time.

01:04:07.000 All the time.

01:04:08.000 What other atrocities are going on out there?

01:04:10.000 Well, I think those wasps might be invasive.

01:04:12.000 I think there's a part of that that's going on where there's invasive wasps that are killing honeybees.

01:04:19.000 Let me see if that's true.

01:04:20.000 Because I know that's one of the things that they were really worried about when those murder hornets showed up.

01:04:24.000 Oh, yeah.

01:04:24.000 Or the murder hornets.

01:04:25.000 Uh-huh.

01:04:26.000 Yeah.

01:04:26.000 Yeah, that was a fun time.

01:04:28.000 What a great name.

01:04:28.000 Yeah.

01:04:29.000 Murder hornets.

01:04:29.000 It's a great band.

01:04:30.000 Yeah.

01:04:31.000 Really good band.

01:04:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:04:32.000 Especially fucking rockin' murder hornets. 1.00

01:04:35.000 Just a thrash band? 1.00

01:04:35.000 I'd wear their t-shirt. 1.00

01:04:36.000 Oh yeah. 1.00

01:04:36.000 I'd wear a bandana that had their shit on it. 1.00

01:04:38.000 That's how you know you're into the band. 1.00

01:04:40.000 When you show up like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

01:04:42.000 I think some of them were invasive. 0.99

01:04:45.000 But obviously they know what the fuck they're doing. 1.00

01:04:47.000 They go in there and they murder everybody. 0.99

01:04:49.000 I mean that's the definition of invasive. 0.50

01:04:50.000 Eating someone's young after you crush them. 0.98

01:04:52.000 And eating 30, killing, just chopping the heads off 30,000 of them. 0.99

01:04:56.000 Invasive murder hornets are officially back in the U.S. Finally. 0.97

01:04:59.000 Entered the slaughter phase.

01:05:01.000 What is this, The Purge?

01:05:02.000 Oh my god.

01:05:03.000 So those are the ones, man.

01:05:05.000 Did you know that hornets pollinate too?

01:05:08.000 Uh, they have to do something.

01:05:09.000 They all pollinate.

01:05:10.000 I figure they serve some purpose out there.

01:05:12.000 They just don't make honey, I don't think.

01:05:14.000 I know my grandmother lived in fear of that.

01:05:15.000 I take murder honey all day.

01:05:17.000 I want to get some murder hornet honey.

01:05:19.000 What about that honey they have in Mike?

01:05:20.000 The mad honey?

01:05:21.000 Yeah.

01:05:21.000 I have some, you want some?

01:05:22.000 Right now?

01:05:23.000 Yeah, we can do it.

01:05:26.000 What's it gonna do to us?

01:05:27.000 You're gonna freak out a little bit.

01:05:30.000 We have those shows this evening.

01:05:32.000 What are you worried about?

01:05:34.000 I know the guy who owns the club.

01:05:35.000 We're fine.

01:05:37.000 Where's the murder honey? 0.98

01:05:39.000 Mad honey? 0.99

01:05:40.000 It's up there somewhere.

01:05:42.000 Is it?

01:05:43.000 Yeah.

01:05:43.000 Where did you get your hands on murder honey?

01:05:45.000 Mad honey.

01:05:46.000 It's mad honey.

01:05:46.000 It's from Nepal.

01:05:47.000 It's those guys that...

01:05:49.000 I've seen those videos.

01:05:49.000 This psychedelic honey.

01:05:50.000 Yeah.

01:05:52.000 Psychedelic's a strong word for what I experienced.

01:05:55.000 What'd you experience?

01:05:55.000 I didn't take much, so I just experienced like a light euphoria.

01:05:59.000 It was kind of interesting.

01:05:59.000 But apparently if you go too much, it's really rough.

01:06:02.000 I love euphoria.

01:06:03.000 Great show, great feeling.

01:06:04.000 I haven't watched it.

01:06:05.000 Oh, you should.

01:06:05.000 But I do enjoy the feeling.

01:06:06.000 You should watch some snippets of it.

01:06:08.000 I'll send you some clips.

01:06:09.000 Isn't it like a bunch of kids banging each other? 0.99

01:06:10.000 Yeah, but they're of age legally.

01:06:11.000 Oh, good.

01:06:12.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:06:14.000 It's not just fucking deleted scenes from Epstein's discs. 0.96

01:06:17.000 Is that it? 0.98

01:06:17.000 Let me see. 0.98

01:06:19.000 Yeah, that's it. 1.00

01:06:20.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:06:21.000 It seems like it's broken up. 1.00

01:06:23.000 So do you think we shake it? 0.98

01:06:27.000 I never fucked with that. 0.99

01:06:28.000 Have you fucked with that? 0.99

01:06:29.000 No, dude. 1.00

01:06:30.000 It melts people's brains.

01:06:33.000 Terrence McKenna swore off of it when he was talking to a guy in an open-air market, and the guy thought that they were back at his house in the living room, and he realized somewhere along the line of the conversation that the guy didn't know where he was.

01:06:46.000 Like, right now, in the moment, in an open-air market, he thought that he was in his apartment.

01:06:51.000 That sounds like a fun thing to do here on the podcast.

01:06:54.000 Come on, buddy.

01:06:55.000 Hey, man.

01:06:56.000 You're here.

01:06:57.000 Let's freak it out.

01:06:58.000 You're in Texas.

01:06:59.000 I know.

01:06:59.000 They love Mad Honey here.

01:07:02.000 He got stopped at the TSA. Just a jar of that shit? 1.00

01:07:07.000 No, because they were making sure he wasn't traveling with this stuff after he did the podcast. 0.99

01:07:12.000 That's good.

01:07:12.000 Do we know the dosage on this, Jamie?

01:07:14.000 This is totally legal, by the way.

01:07:15.000 Good.

01:07:16.000 That was my biggest fear, was breaking the law.

01:07:18.000 Is Mad Honey legal?

01:07:20.000 Just take a little teaspoon.

01:07:21.000 Just get in there.

01:07:22.000 I will take a little teaspoon.

01:07:23.000 You go first.

01:07:23.000 Okay.

01:07:24.000 Yeah.

01:07:24.000 Are you scared?

01:07:25.000 Yes!

01:07:28.000 That's more than I took the last time.

01:07:30.000 Oh good!

01:07:30.000 Alright.

01:07:33.000 Is it like honey?

01:07:35.000 It is honey.

01:07:36.000 Yeah, it definitely tastes delicious.

01:07:38.000 It tastes like...

01:07:39.000 Smells bizarre.

01:07:39.000 Don't take too much.

01:07:40.000 I won't.

01:07:41.000 I don't want you to die.

01:07:41.000 Thank you.

01:07:42.000 That's big of you. 0.95

01:07:43.000 Just like really get the spoon wet and then suck the spoon. 0.96

01:07:46.000 Alright, I'm like the Dalai Lama. 0.88

01:07:48.000 And then think about all the diseases you could be getting from me.

01:07:52.000 I don't fear those.

01:07:54.000 I think you've got a good ecosystem.

01:07:56.000 No, I'm not worried.

01:07:58.000 Thank you.

01:07:58.000 Appreciate it.

01:07:59.000 You like it, right?

01:08:01.000 Don't go in again.

01:08:01.000 Don't go for seconds.

01:08:02.000 I'm not going for seconds. 1.00

01:08:03.000 Don't fucking do it, Sam. 1.00

01:08:04.000 No. 1.00

01:08:05.000 Jesus.

01:08:06.000 Well.

01:08:06.000 All right.

01:08:08.000 Let's see.

01:08:08.000 Is this legal?

01:08:11.000 Let's find out.

01:08:11.000 It's just honey.

01:08:12.000 Yeah.

01:08:13.000 This is a gag, ladies and gentlemen.

01:08:15.000 We're faking.

01:08:15.000 It tastes bizarre.

01:08:16.000 It's just honey, bitches. 1.00

01:08:18.000 Now my tongue is on fire. 1.00

01:08:19.000 Well, wait until it gets to your brain. 0.99

01:08:21.000 I can't wait.

01:08:22.000 This will be good.

01:08:24.000 Smoke on the water over here.

01:08:26.000 I'm going to go full Creedence Clearwater.

01:08:28.000 Yeah.

01:08:30.000 Mad honey.

01:08:32.000 It tasted bizarre.

01:08:34.000 The label.

01:08:35.000 It's legal to purchase in the United States according to this.

01:08:37.000 There we go.

01:08:38.000 It's legal.

01:08:38.000 Fully legal.

01:08:39.000 It helps in weight management.

01:08:40.000 By the way, when that guy came in here and gave it to me and said that he brought it in, that was a lie.

01:08:46.000 He lied.

01:08:47.000 He got it from someone who legally purchased it here in America and he brought it over to me.

01:08:51.000 Wink, wink.

01:08:52.000 Yeah, that's for sure what happened.

01:08:54.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:08:54.000 Yes.

01:08:55.000 Yes.

01:08:56.000 No way was this important.

01:08:56.000 He's a good dude.

01:08:57.000 There's no way he would do that.

01:08:58.000 No. 0.99

01:08:59.000 Why the fuck would he do that? 0.98

01:09:00.000 The rules are there because they're good. 0.99

01:09:01.000 The rules are only there always because they're good.

01:09:05.000 They're always valid.

01:09:05.000 And Jesus loves you, and shave your beard if you're single.

01:09:10.000 That's right, yeah.

01:09:11.000 What other rules do we have?

01:09:13.000 If you're not married, you should wear something to cover your head.

01:09:16.000 Trans women are real women. 0.99

01:09:17.000 And what else?

01:09:24.000 That honey got a hold of you quick, Joe.

01:09:29.000 What do you think of this Dylan Mulvaney thing?

01:09:31.000 It's fascinating.

01:09:32.000 I can't drink Bud Light anymore.

01:09:35.000 I'm drinking Bud Light more now.

01:09:36.000 No, I do, because it gets me so hard when I think about what they did.

01:09:42.000 I can barely get it in my mouth without coming. 1.00

01:09:45.000 Dude, transgender porn is some wild stuff. 1.00

01:09:48.000 Yeah, Derek Poston's into that. 1.00

01:09:50.000 Oh, yeah? 1.00

01:09:51.000 Yeah, it's his shit. 1.00

01:09:52.000 He's a connoisseur. 1.00

01:09:53.000 Yeah, a straight man is a connoisseur of trans porn. 1.00

01:09:56.000 He loves it. 0.99

01:09:57.000 I met Derek last night.

01:09:58.000 He's hilarious.

01:09:59.000 I did his open mic.

01:10:00.000 That was fun.

01:10:00.000 He's a fun dude.

01:10:01.000 He's very fun.

01:10:02.000 He's a fun dude.

01:10:02.000 Happy to have him out here.

01:10:04.000 Yeah, dude.

01:10:04.000 Very exciting.

01:10:04.000 We've got a great, great crop of...

01:10:07.000 Young, up-and-coming talent out here.

01:10:08.000 I know.

01:10:09.000 It's really exciting.

01:10:09.000 I keep asking your security over there if I can handle their guns.

01:10:12.000 They don't think it's very funny.

01:10:14.000 I think it's a good bit, but no.

01:10:17.000 Yeah, dude, that club is quite the testament.

01:10:19.000 It's cool to see someone realize their dreams fully, because that place rules, dude.

01:10:24.000 I didn't even have that dream.

01:10:25.000 I didn't have a dream.

01:10:27.000 I just knew when I moved here that I had to replace the sense of community that we had in LA if we're going to have a real scene out here.

01:10:39.000 I'm living here.

01:10:40.000 I love it here.

01:10:41.000 I'm not moving.

01:10:42.000 So this is where I'm at.

01:10:43.000 So this is where I'm at.

01:10:44.000 What do I need?

01:10:45.000 There was some places that we were working out, like the Vulcan primarily, which is awesome.

01:10:49.000 And shout out to Nick, who owns it. 0.99

01:10:52.000 He's the shit. 1.00

01:10:52.000 That's a great place. 1.00

01:10:53.000 Still a great place.

01:10:54.000 I still do sets there.

01:10:55.000 I'll still hop back and forth, especially once everything gets fully running at the mothership.

01:11:00.000 Yeah.

01:11:00.000 But I realized, like, we need it set up the right way for comedy.

01:11:05.000 Like, there's part of, like, there's the hang, and then there's also, like, the ease of getting onto the stage, and there's, like, the making is optimum for the audience, and then optimum for the performance.

01:11:17.000 And then making it so that young up-and-coming people have an easy way to get on stage.

01:11:23.000 Everything is thought out perfectly, man.

01:11:25.000 And also the fact that you have that open mic and all the door staff there are comedians, which is great.

01:11:30.000 And they're all very nice and eager.

01:11:31.000 And they're all funny.

01:11:32.000 I was talking to them last night. 0.97

01:11:33.000 They were fucking funny. 0.97

01:11:34.000 They all auditioned. 0.98

01:11:35.000 Yeah.

01:11:35.000 So they got to see their act.

01:11:37.000 And so it's like you're in a part of like an apprenticeship program.

01:11:39.000 You're gonna be able to go on stage during the open mics, which are two nights a week.

01:11:45.000 There's Kill Tony.

01:11:46.000 There's times where the door guys can go up on showcase shows.

01:11:50.000 Those will run for hours and hours. 0.98

01:11:53.000 And, you know, fucking 10, 15 talented people. 0.97

01:11:56.000 You get a chance to see someone in the early days. 0.99

01:11:59.000 It's like seeing Louis C.K. in Boston in 1988. Yeah.

01:12:02.000 And they go, dude, I saw that guy when he was like a year into comedy.

01:12:05.000 And then, bam.

01:12:06.000 Yeah, you got that guy Keith.

01:12:07.000 You got Lucas.

01:12:08.000 There's a lot of good guys.

01:12:09.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:12:09.000 A lot of good women there.

01:12:10.000 A lot of good...

01:12:11.000 There's a couple non-Barners. 0.98

01:12:13.000 Yeah.

01:12:13.000 We got at least one.

01:12:16.000 It's a diverse group!

01:12:17.000 We gave him his own Bud Light after the first week.

01:12:20.000 We put his face on a can.

01:12:23.000 Do you have any beer here?

01:12:25.000 Yeah, you want a beer?

01:12:25.000 I'd take a light beer.

01:12:26.000 Okay, let's get some Bud Lights.

01:12:28.000 Let's do this.

01:12:29.000 Yeah.

01:12:30.000 In support of Bud Light and their time of stress.

01:12:32.000 Let's be allies by getting a little day drug.

01:12:33.000 We're gonna be allies. 0.99

01:12:35.000 You know, because Kid Rock and Travis Tritt have put the fucking hammer down. 0.99

01:12:39.000 I know, they're really fucking fighting the good fight, man. 0.99

01:12:41.000 Here's my take. 0.98

01:12:42.000 Okay.

01:12:46.000 Like, what you're doing, what they're doing is just spreading the brand to an extra group of people.

01:12:53.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:12:54.000 Why, if something is good, do you give a fuck who's got it? 0.98

01:13:00.000 Like, would we do this with cheesecake? 0.99

01:13:02.000 Like, you know what I'm saying? 0.99

01:13:03.000 Like, if there was like a bomb-ass cheesecake, and all of a sudden, you know, some radical group, like Antifa, really got into the cheesecake, we'd be like, fuck this! 0.99

01:13:13.000 And if the, like, if the Cheesecake Factory sent Antifa a cheesecake, you know, for ten more years of chaos, you know? 0.99

01:13:20.000 A celebratory.

01:13:22.000 A celebratory. 1.00

01:13:24.000 If only ISIS had bear claw donuts, I'm still eating those fucking donuts. 1.00

01:13:27.000 But on the other hand, I love Kid Rock's video. 0.99

01:13:30.000 Because I love that.

01:13:31.000 Cheers.

01:13:32.000 Cheers, man.

01:13:32.000 I love that kind of thinking.

01:13:36.000 Not even that I agree with it.

01:13:39.000 I like wild people.

01:13:40.000 I like grays and hell, man. 1.00

01:13:42.000 I like a dude who takes a machine gun to a stack of Bud Lights and is like, fuck Anheuser-Busch. 1.00

01:13:48.000 This will show up. 0.99

01:13:49.000 But I mean, where's he going to go now?

01:13:50.000 Are you going to go to Coors?

01:13:52.000 Don't they all support LBGTQ plus AI, whatever the hell else they're attaching to issues? 0.74

01:13:59.000 They all do.

01:13:59.000 I mean, I'm from Colorado and Coors has had those rainbow cans forever.

01:14:03.000 Fucking Shane Gillis is heartbroken. 0.98

01:14:05.000 I was with him. 0.99

01:14:06.000 This is his favorite beer.

01:14:06.000 I was opening for him last weekend.

01:14:08.000 This is what sucks. 0.97

01:14:09.000 He drinks Bud Light every time he does Protect Our Parks. 1.00

01:14:12.000 Those things have fucking millions of views. 0.99

01:14:15.000 I know. 0.99

01:14:15.000 Where's his can of beer? 0.99

01:14:18.000 He said the exact same thing.

01:14:20.000 He's problematic.

01:14:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:14:21.000 He's an issue, man.

01:14:22.000 He's an issue being one of the funniest fucking human beings alive on planet Earth. 0.98

01:14:26.000 And also generous and community-minded. 0.99

01:14:28.000 And a great guy.

01:14:28.000 But for whatever reason, they won't give him a Bud Light.

01:14:32.000 They should give him some lips.

01:14:33.000 If they were smart.

01:14:34.000 They would send Shane a Bud Light with his face on it, too.

01:14:37.000 Say, we love everybody.

01:14:39.000 Well, the can's not big enough to fit his face.

01:14:41.000 That's true.

01:14:42.000 It's a big round head.

01:14:43.000 You could put, like, half of his face.

01:14:45.000 Yeah.

01:14:46.000 You know, like an artsy thing.

01:14:47.000 Right, yeah.

01:14:48.000 Then you have to put them all together.

01:14:49.000 Yeah, there you go.

01:14:50.000 Whoa.

01:14:51.000 Did you get a left side of the face or a right side?

01:14:52.000 Bud Light sponsors the moon.

01:14:54.000 So if you're two-fisting.

01:14:55.000 Yeah.

01:14:57.000 No, man, I think that it's crazy when people get upset about that stuff because the people who get upset about that stuff value liberty and freedom so much, and they want to live their lives undeterred by anyone's rules.

01:15:08.000 But they think that the company that they like is giving in to the woke agenda.

01:15:12.000 That's what it is.

01:15:13.000 There is no woke agenda.

01:15:15.000 Well, they think there is in like movies and television and media and commercials.

01:15:22.000 And they're worried about it in universities.

01:15:24.000 They're worried about it in schools and high schools and grammar schools.

01:15:29.000 They're worried about it because there is some evidence that some people do try to indoctrinate children into views that maybe don't align with the parents' views.

01:15:37.000 Who's right and who's wrong?

01:15:38.000 That's up to interpretation, but the question is like, is it appropriate for someone to be giving their politics or their cultural values that may be opposite of the cultural values of the parents, is it appropriate for this person who spends probably more time during the day with your kid than you do to do that to your kids all day long?

01:15:56.000 What about religion though?

01:15:58.000 Because you're indoctrinating your kids before they have any say in that.

01:16:00.000 Maybe your kids are atheists and they go to school. 0.95

01:16:03.000 You're talking about public school.

01:16:05.000 You're going to have kids that are all sorts of religions in those public schools and all sorts of non-religions.

01:16:11.000 There's going to be a bunch of different flavors of atheism or agnostics or people who just aren't religious at all.

01:16:16.000 Those kids are going to school too.

01:16:18.000 And if they're getting indoctrinated and they don't want to be, that's the question.

01:16:23.000 It's not saying that it happens all the time.

01:16:25.000 There's just enough evidence of it where there's plenty of videos of people actually doing it.

01:16:29.000 Like Project Veritas got a bunch of them and there's You know, the libs of TikTok got a bunch of them.

01:16:34.000 It's like it's really a thing with some people that teach school, but not most of them.

01:16:39.000 Most of them are great people who are educators and what they're trying to do and what they get satisfaction out of if they're good is they try to educate kids and they want them to have a good experience.

01:16:49.000 So they look back and they remember, remember Mrs. Wilson's class? 0.87

01:16:51.000 She was fucking awesome. 0.87

01:16:52.000 There's this one teacher that I had in high school. 0.97

01:16:55.000 I wish I could remember her name, but everybody went to her.

01:16:58.000 Because she would talk to you friendly, and she was a sweetheart.

01:17:01.000 She was a sweet lady.

01:17:02.000 She was a really nice lady. 0.97

01:17:04.000 And she was really good at her job, but if you fucked up, and she was like, you're supposed to have it in. 0.69

01:17:09.000 Like, what happened? 0.98

01:17:10.000 Like, you felt bad.

01:17:10.000 You're like, I'll get it.

01:17:11.000 I'll fix it.

01:17:12.000 I'll finish it.

01:17:12.000 I'm sorry.

01:17:13.000 Like, you felt bad.

01:17:14.000 Sure, yeah.

01:17:15.000 Like, you wanted to do well in that lady's class. 1.00

01:17:16.000 You let her down.

01:17:17.000 Yeah, because she was so sweet.

01:17:18.000 That's the best example.

01:17:19.000 The worst example... 1.00

01:17:21.000 It's some shitty, dumb person who gets a job teaching because a lot of people don't want to teach. 0.99

01:17:26.000 And then they find, because it's very low paying and it doesn't get a lot of reward and praise from people. 1.00

01:17:30.000 Also, parents are a nightmare. 0.98

01:17:31.000 Parents are a nightmare. 1.00

01:17:32.000 And then the shitty person is in front of your kids with their really dumb ideas. 1.00

01:17:37.000 And there's a lot of those people. 1.00

01:17:38.000 There's a lot of those people.

01:17:39.000 And they think, what we're going to do is we're going to indoctrinate their children.

01:17:42.000 We're going to turn our children against them.

01:17:44.000 And there are people like that out there in the world.

01:17:45.000 Doesn't mean that's all of them.

01:17:47.000 It's like there are bad cops out there in the world.

01:17:49.000 But most cops are great.

01:17:50.000 It's not like all cops are evil. 0.97

01:17:52.000 It's like the job is really fucking hard. 0.92

01:17:54.000 And most people do their best. 1.00

01:17:57.000 But some people fucking suck at it. 0.99

01:17:59.000 Like everything. 1.00

01:18:00.000 Like plumbers.

01:18:01.000 Like everything.

01:18:02.000 It's just that with cops, the consequences are so grave. 0.98

01:18:04.000 And with kids, it's kind of a fucked up situation. 0.97

01:18:07.000 Because if you're a parent and you're working all day and your kid's at school all day... 0.94

01:18:12.000 And they're getting indoctrinated into a set of ideas that don't align with your values or don't align with your sense of the world or what you believe reality to be.

01:18:20.000 What you want to teach in your home as well.

01:18:21.000 Yeah, what you want to teach in your home.

01:18:22.000 So it's very tricky.

01:18:24.000 It's like, what is school supposed to do?

01:18:27.000 Generally, it's supposed to educate children, but it's not necessarily supposed to...

01:18:30.000 I think it's supposed to indoctrinate as well, though.

01:18:31.000 I mean, it's supposed to put them in a situation where they understand regimented schedules.

01:18:35.000 Well, that's what it was originally invented for.

01:18:38.000 But if you ask someone what's the primary reason for education, it's to send these kids to school to teach them about life, teach them history, teach them how to do mathematics, teach them language, teach them art.

01:18:52.000 Fractions.

01:18:53.000 All kinds of stuff.

01:18:53.000 You're supposed to be preparing them for college.

01:18:57.000 Or high school.

01:18:58.000 And when you're doing this, but instead you're spending the entire class talking about different things that you think are wrong with the world or wrong with Donald Trump or wrong with trans people not being able to compete in the sport of their gender of choice.

01:19:15.000 Those kind of things are not...

01:19:17.000 What you're supposed to be teaching kids.

01:19:19.000 No.

01:19:19.000 These are opinion-based things.

01:19:21.000 And these are things that maybe someone, if they were debating you in that moment, that was also an adult, might make you look really foolish. 1.00

01:19:28.000 They would bust your ass. 1.00

01:19:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:19:29.000 Yeah, for sure. 1.00

01:19:30.000 Because the things you say are stupid. 1.00

01:19:32.000 But these fucking five-year-olds don't know they're stupid. 1.00

01:19:34.000 No, because kids are dumb as hell. 1.00

01:19:35.000 Because they don't know anything yet. 1.00

01:19:36.000 Yeah.

01:19:37.000 That's what people are worried about.

01:19:39.000 Yeah.

01:19:39.000 But I do remember good teachers.

01:19:41.000 You know?

01:19:42.000 Like, the good teachers are the ones.

01:19:43.000 I don't remember any bad teachers.

01:19:44.000 I had a teacher named Mrs. Storch.

01:19:46.000 Who got me a bunch of cool books.

01:19:47.000 This is not that good.

01:19:50.000 It's just not.

01:19:51.000 It'll do for now.

01:19:52.000 It's a thing, right?

01:19:53.000 It's like a cold thing that you drink.

01:19:56.000 Yeah, it's like when you don't want water. 0.99

01:19:57.000 You know what I used to get shit for? 0.98

01:19:59.000 Zevias. 0.99

01:20:00.000 Oh, Zevias. 1.00

01:20:01.000 Those sodas.

01:20:02.000 No, not Zimas, that's right. 0.88

01:20:03.000 I knew it was wrong.

01:20:05.000 Zevia I like.

01:20:05.000 I drink that stuff all the time.

01:20:07.000 I was allegedly conceived on Zimas.

01:20:09.000 Yeah, that's the way to go.

01:20:11.000 Have your kid on a delicious, fruity, sort of bubbly, soda-like alcoholic beverage. 0.98

01:20:16.000 My mom and dad split a fucking 24-pack of Zima and made me in Glenwood Springs. 0.99

01:20:19.000 Wasn't too strong. 0.99

01:20:21.000 No.

01:20:21.000 Gave you a heartburn, though, dude.

01:20:23.000 Did it?

01:20:24.000 You can't have like eight of them.

01:20:26.000 I've never had eight Zimas. 1.00

01:20:28.000 I have.

01:20:28.000 You've had eight?

01:20:29.000 Yeah, because they brought them back.

01:20:31.000 Zima's a thing with, I'm not really trying to get drunk.

01:20:34.000 If I'm trying to get drunk, I'm drinking whiskey.

01:20:36.000 If I'm drinking, I'm typically trying to get drunk.

01:20:38.000 Always?

01:20:38.000 Yeah.

01:20:39.000 Don't you just like to have a little buzz?

01:20:40.000 I'll have a little glass of wine here and there.

01:20:42.000 There you go.

01:20:43.000 Zima drinks returning to summer of 2018 for a limited time.

01:20:46.000 Yep.

01:20:47.000 They try to bring it back.

01:20:47.000 They brought it back.

01:20:48.000 Bring it back.

01:20:49.000 Come on, Zima. 0.98

01:20:49.000 I'm on your side. 0.98

01:20:50.000 Yeah.

01:20:50.000 I liked it.

01:20:51.000 I like them a lot.

01:20:52.000 I don't get it.

01:20:53.000 Yeah.

01:20:53.000 I don't get it.

01:20:54.000 Fucking White Claws made it, but Zima's didn't? 1.00

01:20:56.000 These are all sugar, though. 0.99

01:20:57.000 But tell me. 0.99

01:20:58.000 Tell me how the fuck White Claws made it and Zima did it. 1.00

01:21:00.000 Is it a timing thing? 0.99

01:21:01.000 Is it like Betamax and the VHS tape?

01:21:04.000 The superior product doesn't make it?

01:21:06.000 Well, Zima had like 20 years head start on White Claw. 0.98

01:21:09.000 Bro, I used to get so much shit for ordering Zima. 0.90

01:21:11.000 They're like, what are you doing, bro? 0.99

01:21:12.000 Well, were you at the pool hall?

01:21:13.000 No! 0.99

01:21:14.000 I had the fucking improv. 1.00

01:21:15.000 On Melrose, people were making fun of me. 1.00

01:21:18.000 Comics were making fun of me for drinking Zima.

01:21:20.000 I'm like, I'm sorry, it's delicious.

01:21:21.000 It looks like a post-apocalyptic drink.

01:21:23.000 10 things you should know about Zima.

01:21:24.000 What do I need to know?

01:21:25.000 Is it bad for you?

01:21:25.000 What are the fun facts about Zima?

01:21:27.000 There's no fun facts. 0.98

01:21:29.000 The branding sucks. 0.91

01:21:31.000 Zima's like blockbuster videos. 0.99

01:21:33.000 No one thought it was going to go away.

01:21:35.000 Here we are, in a post-Zima world. 1.00

01:21:37.000 It's over.

01:21:38.000 It's weird, because it was delicious.

01:21:40.000 It didn't taste bad at all.

01:21:41.000 It's not a bad product.

01:21:42.000 It was kind of viscous, though.

01:21:45.000 Mmm.

01:21:45.000 It had that kind of milky look to it when it was in the bottle for too long.

01:21:49.000 Really?

01:21:49.000 Yeah.

01:21:49.000 I thought it was like Sprite.

01:21:51.000 It started clear, but then if you had it on the shelf for a while...

01:21:54.000 How long did you leave your Zima on the shelf?

01:21:55.000 I think my dad had a couple Zimas in his office.

01:21:58.000 Even those are a little milky.

01:21:59.000 Yeah, look at that.

01:22:00.000 Yeah, but that's just a CGI image.

01:22:04.000 Oh, you think that's computer generated?

01:22:05.000 That's the same bottle over and over again.

01:22:07.000 That's what it looks like. 1.00

01:22:08.000 It looks like fucking soda. 1.00

01:22:10.000 It's a bottled delicious clear malt soda. 1.00

01:22:15.000 I'd be more surprised if you had Zima in here than that you have Mad Honey. 1.00

01:22:21.000 That would blow my mind even more.

01:22:22.000 I don't think you get it.

01:22:23.000 You probably have to get it on eBay from your dad.

01:22:24.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:22:26.000 Your dad's got some cases.

01:22:27.000 My dad takes the helicopter in.

01:22:29.000 Your dad's got some cases.

01:22:31.000 But the thing about this Dylan Mulvaney thing, it's just someone who wants a lot of attention.

01:22:37.000 And you're giving that someone a lot of attention, and you're trying to reach another audience. 0.99

01:22:42.000 I saw and I was like, what the fuck is this? 1.00

01:22:44.000 My initial reaction is like, this is silly. 1.00

01:22:46.000 It was pretty transparent. 1.00

01:22:48.000 But it's also your Bud Light fan, your typical Bud Light fan is like NASCAR, fucking sports. 0.98

01:22:58.000 Like that's most of the people that are drinking Bud Light, guys like Shane. 0.87

01:23:02.000 You saw the Bud Light demographics of who's drinking Bud Light?

01:23:06.000 It's bigots. 1.00

01:23:07.000 I saw this fucking... 1.00

01:23:09.000 Guys like Shane. 1.00

01:23:11.000 Shane.

01:23:12.000 He's choking Shane.

01:23:13.000 Yeah, Shane's my boy. 0.99

01:23:15.000 What the fuck was I going to say? 0.99

01:23:16.000 Jesus Christ, you threw me off. 1.00

01:23:17.000 Yeah, it wasn't the honey?

01:23:18.000 No, no.

01:23:19.000 The honey's in there, though.

01:23:20.000 No, not yet.

01:23:21.000 There's a little current popping around in there.

01:23:23.000 It might be the cigar.

01:23:24.000 Probably cigar.

01:23:25.000 Yeah.

01:23:25.000 Can I have that lighter again?

01:23:26.000 Yeah, sure.

01:23:27.000 Thank you. 1.00

01:23:28.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:23:29.000 I lost it. 1.00

01:23:30.000 You were talking about, oh yeah, just how the target demographic of Bud Light.

01:23:35.000 But it's like a lot of companies are using this person.

01:23:37.000 There's more than one company.

01:23:39.000 There's like a bunch of them, like Nike and a bunch of other stuff.

01:23:42.000 Also, she's pretty. 0.99

01:23:43.000 I get it.

01:23:44.000 No, I mean, I see nothing wrong.

01:23:48.000 Good luck.

01:23:48.000 Hey, man.

01:23:50.000 Yeah, it's one of those things.

01:23:51.000 It's funny what people get super outraged about.

01:23:55.000 We're in the middle of...

01:23:57.000 Tulsi Gabbard posted up some stuff the other day about the Restrict Act.

01:24:05.000 Flip the top.

01:24:06.000 Here, I showed you before.

01:24:07.000 Pull the top back.

01:24:08.000 There you go.

01:24:09.000 Thank you.

01:24:11.000 Well, I did it before you before.

01:24:13.000 That's like one of those teach a man to fish things. 0.78

01:24:15.000 It's not going to be late.

01:24:16.000 No, I know.

01:24:17.000 I've got to get rid of that ash.

01:24:19.000 No one's freaking out about that, but they're freaking out about Bud Light.

01:24:22.000 How is that the big deal?

01:24:26.000 I think it's goofy. 0.95

01:24:27.000 Because I think that person's goofy. 1.00

01:24:29.000 But if you want to hire a goofy person, like, who gives a shit? 0.99

01:24:32.000 It's kind of hilarious when someone says, 365 days of womanhood. 0.99

01:24:36.000 It was also on April Fool's Day.

01:24:38.000 That's true, too.

01:24:39.000 But it also was just a can with that person's face on it.

01:24:42.000 That's all it was.

01:24:43.000 It wasn't like something they were selling.

01:24:45.000 Yeah, they didn't have it in stores.

01:24:46.000 No, but it's kind of funny.

01:24:47.000 Yeah.

01:24:47.000 I like that people get mad.

01:24:49.000 I thought what Kid Rock did was funny.

01:24:51.000 I laughed at it.

01:24:52.000 I told them I thought it was funny.

01:24:54.000 But I also...

01:24:57.000 It doesn't make me mad.

01:24:58.000 Not at all.

01:24:59.000 It just makes me like, what?

01:25:00.000 Well, I think it's because we...

01:25:02.000 I get what they're doing, though.

01:25:03.000 They're trying to get people that are popular.

01:25:05.000 They're just looking for influencers to help them.

01:25:07.000 And they're trying to look more inclusive because of the assumptions people make about Bud Light drinkers.

01:25:13.000 But those assumptions...

01:25:14.000 And also, look at us.

01:25:16.000 We're on the biggest platform in the world discussing Bud Light for like 10 minutes.

01:25:19.000 Right.

01:25:19.000 It's probably good for the brand.

01:25:20.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:25:20.000 Yeah.

01:25:21.000 Shane loves it.

01:25:21.000 I just...

01:25:22.000 I like Miller Lite more.

01:25:24.000 I like Sam Adams.

01:25:25.000 I like a dark beer.

01:25:26.000 I want a beer I can have like 17 of, man.

01:25:29.000 Oh, really?

01:25:30.000 Yeah, I want to be sipping beer all night.

01:25:32.000 Yeah.

01:25:33.000 That's my go-to.

01:25:34.000 Stanhope used to like to do that.

01:25:35.000 He used to like beer. 1.00

01:25:36.000 Yeah, he's sober as fuck. 1.00

01:25:38.000 Except for the edibles. 1.00

01:25:39.000 Well, yeah.

01:25:40.000 But no cigarettes for Stanhope either.

01:25:41.000 He looked good the other day.

01:25:42.000 I saw him.

01:25:43.000 I was like, dude, you looked younger.

01:25:44.000 I was hoping he'd still be here.

01:25:46.000 He's the man. 0.97

01:25:47.000 He fucking made my book happen, dude. 0.98

01:25:49.000 It was all him. 0.99

01:25:50.000 He did tell me about it, too.

01:25:51.000 He was the first person to tell me, and he gave me a copy of it.

01:25:54.000 I said, dude, you got to read this.

01:25:55.000 He gave it to Bert.

01:25:56.000 He gave it to everybody.

01:25:57.000 And then I started watching it.

01:25:58.000 So I saw that and I said, well, let me see if this guy's funny.

01:26:01.000 So I went and watched some of your clips.

01:26:03.000 I'm like, oh, all right, man.

01:26:04.000 Thanks, man.

01:26:05.000 Started following you, and then finally met you.

01:26:07.000 And you got a chance to see the club before it ever got...

01:26:10.000 I mean, what stage was it in when you visited?

01:26:12.000 That was probably June of last year?

01:26:16.000 So there was no seats.

01:26:17.000 Was the cement even poured then?

01:26:18.000 No. 1.00

01:26:19.000 And there was still that fucking... 0.99

01:26:20.000 Do you remember? 0.99

01:26:21.000 The swastika? 0.90

01:26:22.000 The swastika.

01:26:22.000 Listen to this, folks.

01:26:24.000 You want to hear a fucking story? 0.99

01:26:25.000 So the club that I bought at one point in time, it's called the Ritz Theater. 0.99

01:26:30.000 The Ritz Theater was a theater from 1927. It's been a lot of things.

01:26:34.000 And at one point in time, it was a punk rock club.

01:26:36.000 It was a pool hall at one point in time.

01:26:38.000 It was a nudie movie theater back in the day.

01:26:41.000 Stevie Ray Vaughan played there.

01:26:43.000 You know that walkway when you get to the stage?

01:26:45.000 There's a big framed photo of Stevie Ray Vaughan?

01:26:48.000 Yeah.

01:26:48.000 That photo is Stevie Ray Vaughan on stage at the Ritz in 1983. Wow.

01:26:53.000 And so, a lot of punk rock bands played there.

01:26:56.000 The Butthole Surfers played there.

01:26:58.000 Misfits played there.

01:26:59.000 A lot of people played there.

01:27:00.000 The Dicks, Black Flag.

01:27:00.000 And Swanball there.

01:27:01.000 Painted a swastika on the wall. 1.00

01:27:03.000 Now, here's where it gets stupid. 0.99

01:27:05.000 I saw it when we... 0.99

01:27:06.000 Because we had to take down a lot of stuff, and we knocked down the wallboard and shit that was covering things. 0.90

01:27:14.000 And then underneath all that on the brick, you see a swastika. 0.93

01:27:17.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:27:17.000 And I was like, hey, we should probably take that fucking swastika down. 0.99

01:27:20.000 And everybody was laughing. 0.99

01:27:21.000 And so then no one took it down.

01:27:23.000 And I came back like two months later. 0.99

01:27:25.000 I'm like, hey, why is the fucking swastika still here? 0.97

01:27:28.000 So then it gets to like we're almost open. 0.98

01:27:32.000 It gets to like a month before we're open. 1.00

01:27:34.000 I'm like, take the fucking swastika. 0.99

01:27:37.000 Every time I come here, I'm like, how hard is it to just brush that down and knock that off the wall? 0.99

01:27:42.000 So you know what someone does?

01:27:43.000 They clean it.

01:27:45.000 So they clean it and they made it white.

01:27:47.000 This is what they did.

01:27:48.000 Because they clean it with this solvent to take out the black ink.

01:27:53.000 And instead they left a white swastika.

01:27:56.000 It's more pronounced. 1.00

01:27:56.000 And I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. 1.00

01:27:58.000 Do I have to spell this out? 1.00

01:28:00.000 That's still a swastika.

01:28:03.000 Get rid of it.

01:28:04.000 I didn't say enhance the swastika.

01:28:05.000 It's way easier to see now.

01:28:07.000 Well, you were saying like, I think I'm going to call the club, the rooms, Fat Man and Little Boy.

01:28:12.000 But I'm a little worried people are going to be upset if they lost someone in World War II. And I was like, well, you know what else might piss some people off, Joe?

01:28:17.000 That fucking huge swastika up there. 0.98

01:28:18.000 Yeah, that should have already been gone. 0.99

01:28:21.000 The Fat Man and Little Boy thing is in reference...

01:28:23.000 The whole reason for it, the thing is UFO-themed.

01:28:26.000 And in the UFO lore, the UFOs come right after the detonation of Fat Man and Little Boy.

01:28:32.000 That's why it's named Fat Man and Little Boy, because I thought it would be...

01:28:35.000 Plus, one's big, one's small.

01:28:36.000 It makes sense.

01:28:37.000 It worked with the theme.

01:28:38.000 In UFO folklore, that's like what happened.

01:28:41.000 And it makes sense.

01:28:42.000 If you look at the recorded sightings, it's obviously, it's like the news before 1947. It's kind of sketchy anyway.

01:28:49.000 It's like, who knows what was reported.

01:28:51.000 But after 1947, there's a shitload of sightings.

01:28:55.000 A lot of, like, there's UFOs that flew over the White House.

01:28:58.000 Yeah.

01:28:59.000 And they were filmed.

01:29:00.000 There's photographs of them.

01:29:01.000 There's the Roswell crash, which is in 1947. Been down there a couple times.

01:29:06.000 Have you been there?

01:29:07.000 My old man loves UFOs.

01:29:08.000 Oh, really?

01:29:09.000 Yeah.

01:29:09.000 And my grandma's from northern New Mexico, so we've driven down to Roswell two or three times.

01:29:13.000 And it's just a tourist trap now.

01:29:14.000 I have two brilliant friends that have two completely opposite views.

01:29:18.000 What do they think?

01:29:19.000 One brilliant friend is convinced they're from another planet or another dimension.

01:29:25.000 This person is from another planet or the aliens?

01:29:27.000 No, no, no.

01:29:27.000 The UFOs.

01:29:28.000 Okay.

01:29:29.000 That these things people are seeing.

01:29:30.000 He said if you just look at the size of the universe and if you look at all of the possibilities for life and how life could be advanced a thousand, a hundred thousand, a million years more than us, especially if they're in some sort of a stable environment where they're not in an asteroid belt or anything like that and they don't have Super volcanoes on their planet,

01:29:50.000 whatever it is.

01:29:51.000 If they got to a certain level, for sure they'd be able to visit.

01:29:55.000 And if they did get to that level, they would be able to do things that we would think is magic.

01:30:01.000 And that they would be able to go into the ocean, they'd be able to fly off at insane rates of speed and use methods of propulsion that we can't even understand.

01:30:10.000 He thinks that's what it is.

01:30:11.000 He thinks that they are just observing and probably making sure that we don't knock ourselves back in the Stone Age.

01:30:19.000 So they're protectors?

01:30:21.000 No.

01:30:21.000 I think it's probably like an ecobiologist that goes into the jungle and examines species.

01:30:30.000 It's like a Darwinian thing.

01:30:31.000 Yeah, imagine if there was a type of sloth or something in the Amazon that was in danger of dying and there was a lot of funding behind it and they went there and they wanted to try to rescue the sloth and figure it out.

01:30:41.000 They do stuff like that, right?

01:30:42.000 So if we do stuff like that with limited resources and people have to donate money to these things, it's hard for them to get funded.

01:30:49.000 Imagine if you're some super advanced civilization from another galaxy and you recognize that one planet has come into nuclear power.

01:30:56.000 They now have nuclear capabilities.

01:30:57.000 This signal goes out through the universe. 1.00

01:30:59.000 Okay, these fucks are blowing themselves up. 1.00

01:31:01.000 These apes figured out. 1.00

01:31:02.000 Let's go visit.

01:31:02.000 Yeah, let's go visit.

01:31:04.000 And that's the UFO folklore.

01:31:05.000 That's when they all start showing up.

01:31:07.000 And that's when you get like the...

01:31:09.000 All the different crazy, like Betty and Barney Hill, the abduction stories, all that stuff.

01:31:16.000 All that stuff comes after 1947. The craziest story about them is they were interracial in like the 50s. 0.98

01:31:21.000 Yeah, I think it was in Maine or something like that.

01:31:24.000 Yeah.

01:31:25.000 You know, I know one of their granddaughters, Angela Hill.

01:31:30.000 She's a fighter. 1.00

01:31:30.000 She fights in the UFC. No way. 1.00

01:31:32.000 Yeah, she's a top-ranked fighter in the UFC. Yeah, what's the name of that fighter from Denver? 0.98

01:31:36.000 Like the small lady fighter? 0.95

01:31:39.000 From Colorado?

01:31:40.000 Which one?

01:31:41.000 I don't know, dude. 1.00

01:31:41.000 She has, like, short hair and she whips ass. 1.00

01:31:44.000 There's quite a bit. 0.98

01:31:45.000 Denver's got a good crop of fighters.

01:31:47.000 Yeah.

01:31:48.000 Anyway.

01:31:49.000 She's very pretty as well.

01:31:50.000 There's a lot of, uh, oh, oh, oh.

01:31:53.000 Do you mean, like, Rose or something?

01:31:54.000 Rose Namajunas.

01:31:55.000 Yeah.

01:31:55.000 Yes.

01:31:56.000 Okay.

01:31:56.000 Yeah.

01:31:57.000 Okay.

01:31:57.000 Yeah.

01:31:58.000 That's right.

01:31:58.000 Shout out Rose.

01:31:59.000 Rose is awesome. 0.89

01:32:00.000 Yeah.

01:32:01.000 I wonder if she's fighting soon.

01:32:02.000 I think she is.

01:32:02.000 I don't know.

01:32:03.000 I think she's fighting soon.

01:32:05.000 I wrestled in high school, but I never fought.

01:32:06.000 Did you?

01:32:07.000 Yeah.

01:32:07.000 I had to.

01:32:08.000 My coaches made me wrestle.

01:32:09.000 Football coaches did?

01:32:10.000 Yeah.

01:32:10.000 Yeah, my wrestling coach tried to get me to play football.

01:32:13.000 But luckily, we did, when we wrestled, there was this kid named Bobby Baker who was 300 pounds.

01:32:18.000 And I was like, look at him and look at me.

01:32:20.000 I go, I'm not letting that guy chase me and run me over.

01:32:23.000 Oh, he's not chasing anybody. 0.97

01:32:24.000 But if I fucked up and I got too close, you know? 0.99

01:32:28.000 Get those big paws on you. 1.00

01:32:30.000 He's a bear.

01:32:31.000 He was so big.

01:32:32.000 He was so much bigger than everybody else.

01:32:34.000 I'm like, that's just not happening, man.

01:32:36.000 That's crazy.

01:32:36.000 Wrestling is brutal.

01:32:37.000 I would play football at 320, and then I had to cut to 275. Oh, my God.

01:32:42.000 Like, real quick, you know?

01:32:43.000 Because that's like the cutoff for heavyweights in Colorado.

01:32:46.000 How much time did you have to cut? 1.00

01:32:47.000 Fuck, like six weeks, two months. 1.00

01:32:50.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

01:32:51.000 There's all egg whites and clementine oranges and like chewing tobacco.

01:32:54.000 It was terrible.

01:32:55.000 You had chew tobacco?

01:32:56.000 I pissed eight pounds one time.

01:32:58.000 I retained so much water that I urinated out eight pounds.

01:33:00.000 Wow.

01:33:01.000 Yeah.

01:33:01.000 Because after you make weight, then you just eat like a whole baguette and a bunch of Pop-Tarts, you know?

01:33:06.000 Oh, smart.

01:33:06.000 Yeah.

01:33:07.000 Well, that's what you do after you finally make weight. 0.87

01:33:09.000 The fucked up thing about wrestling, too, is you have to make weight the day of the tournament. 0.95

01:33:12.000 I know, dude. 1.00

01:33:13.000 Yeah, wrestling sucks. 0.91

01:33:15.000 Also, heavyweight wrestling is bad because it's just whoever falls down first wins. 0.94

01:33:18.000 That's not always true.

01:33:19.000 That's the whole thing.

01:33:20.000 In my experience, if you went down, the guy laid on you, and you're just waiting for the bell.

01:33:26.000 It was brutal.

01:33:27.000 I was so bad on my feet.

01:33:29.000 But then if you're on the bottom, luckily, you can just grab their arm and try and roll with them.

01:33:33.000 That's all of heavyweight wrestling.

01:33:35.000 How long did you wrestle for?

01:33:36.000 Three years.

01:33:37.000 Oh, wow.

01:33:37.000 Yeah.

01:33:38.000 Did you ever think about doing jujitsu or something like that afterwards?

01:33:40.000 No, I don't have it in me.

01:33:42.000 No?

01:33:42.000 I mean, I don't have, like, the bloodlust, you know?

01:33:45.000 No, it's not a bloodlust thing.

01:33:46.000 Most of the people I know that do jujitsu are nerds.

01:33:49.000 That's true.

01:33:50.000 Joe List.

01:33:51.000 Really smart guys.

01:33:52.000 Yeah.

01:33:53.000 Bourdain wasn't really into it, you know?

01:33:55.000 It's like a lot of people that are very intelligent get into it.

01:33:58.000 I don't know if I have...

01:33:59.000 I love competition, and I have that jock in me still, but the whole one-on-one, man-on-man thing, I don't know if I would really, not even excel, but really enjoy it.

01:34:07.000 It's not as aggressive as you think it is, especially with a good school.

01:34:12.000 With a good school, it's really like you kind of flow.

01:34:15.000 And you do it in a sense where you're not like exploding on each other.

01:34:18.000 You're trying to learn the moves and execute the moves and the other person is trying to defend, execute their own moves.

01:34:22.000 It's like playing chess.

01:34:23.000 And the guy who's better doesn't want to break you in half because there's nothing in it for him.

01:34:27.000 When you're beginning, you're always – I shouldn't say always.

01:34:29.000 Most of the time you're better off going with someone who is much better because the people that are much better can take care of you.

01:34:36.000 They're not going to hurt you.

01:34:38.000 There's a lawsuit that really recently got...

01:34:42.000 This guy was a jiu-jitsu coach.

01:34:46.000 I think it's in California.

01:34:47.000 And he did like a forward roll with a guy to take his back.

01:34:52.000 And the guy's neck got caught in a bad situation and snapped his neck.

01:34:56.000 And he got nerve damage and paralysis.

01:34:59.000 And he just got awarded $46 million. 0.99

01:35:02.000 Holy shit! 0.99

01:35:03.000 Yeah, it's not good. 0.99

01:35:05.000 That's such a bad precedent.

01:35:06.000 It does, but it's also a very unfortunate aspect of jujitsu that you occasionally are going to get a bad injury.

01:35:15.000 And I know of people in MMA class that got paralyzed, particularly when someone goes for a guillotine.

01:35:23.000 If someone shoots in for a double, sometimes guys will go for a guillotine, and if they catch the neck, and the guy who's shooting the double lands on his head...

01:35:30.000 Yeah, as they're falling?

01:35:31.000 Yeah, and it has happened before, and guys have been paralyzed doing that.

01:35:34.000 And I was reading this thing about judo dojos in Japan, and that deaths do happen, where guys get spiked on their head, they get thrown and slammed on their head.

01:35:47.000 Like, every year, someone dies.

01:35:49.000 Doing judo in Japan.

01:35:51.000 But that's probably like a revered way to go out in Japan, you know?

01:35:54.000 Probably.

01:35:55.000 I don't want to say honorable because that's hacky, but there is like a commitment to craft over there that is unlike anything we have here.

01:36:00.000 Yeah, especially in regards to martial arts.

01:36:03.000 That culture really rewards that commitment to craft.

01:36:06.000 Dude, sumo?

01:36:07.000 Oh my god.

01:36:09.000 I would.

01:36:09.000 I was in Japan at the beginning of the year, and I didn't get to see sumo.

01:36:13.000 The point is, though, it's like, it's dangerous.

01:36:16.000 Just like playing football is dangerous.

01:36:17.000 People die playing football.

01:36:19.000 Yeah, there's a risk.

01:36:20.000 And the thing is about that guy, they were trying to paint him that he was a total beginner.

01:36:25.000 But the reality was he had years of wrestling and he had at least, I believe it was at least two years of jiu-jitsu.

01:36:30.000 Two years of jiu-jitsu is not, I mean, it's a beginner in a sense, but it's not someone that doesn't know what they're doing, especially someone who's already done a couple of years of grappling.

01:36:39.000 I think it was just a freak accident.

01:36:41.000 When I saw it, it looked like a freak accident.

01:36:43.000 And the majority of the people that I talked to that were jiu-jitsu guys, they also thought it was a freak accident.

01:36:47.000 But $46 million?

01:36:49.000 I mean, who knows if that's going to stick in appeals.

01:36:52.000 I mean, obviously the guy needs to be compensated somehow or another, insurance or something.

01:36:56.000 Yeah, but he signed up for it, though.

01:36:58.000 I know, but I think most of those places have...

01:36:59.000 Isn't there a waiver?

01:37:00.000 Yeah, but there's probably, like, catastrophic injury insurance or something like that.

01:37:05.000 I don't know.

01:37:06.000 I don't know.

01:37:06.000 I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to that.

01:37:08.000 But yeah, you do sign up for it.

01:37:09.000 And, you know, I've definitely been hurt.

01:37:11.000 It happens.

01:37:13.000 I've had multiple surgeries from jiu-jitsu.

01:37:16.000 Yeah.

01:37:16.000 Both my knees had surgeries on because of jiu-jitsu.

01:37:19.000 My nose. 0.97

01:37:20.000 Well, my nose was fucked up for a long time, but like... 0.97

01:37:23.000 Had some real problems with my back and my neck, bulging discs and shit that I had to get treated with stem cells and PRP and stuff like that. 0.98

01:37:32.000 It's just, it's one of those things. 0.95

01:37:33.000 It's like you're signing up for a dangerous game.

01:37:36.000 I think sports are very important for youth and I loved being on a team.

01:37:39.000 I think being an offensive lineman made me a better host as a comedian because I was used to like never touching the ball and never getting the accolades.

01:37:46.000 I literally think those translated, like those two skills.

01:37:49.000 Oh, that's interesting.

01:37:50.000 Yeah.

01:37:50.000 Like, so you could be the guy who brings up the really good people that everybody's there to see.

01:37:55.000 Yeah, and also do a good job setting the table for the show. 0.99

01:37:58.000 Yeah.

01:37:58.000 It made you, like, selfless in a way, you know?

01:38:00.000 It's also, like, hosting is a very interesting job, too, because one of the things that it does is it allows you to get comfortable on stage and comfortable, like, with transitions, and it gives you, like, reps.

01:38:11.000 Yeah.

01:38:11.000 Like, it's just different kind of reps, almost like cross-training a little bit.

01:38:15.000 It's the easiest way to get a lot of stage time early, because you're physically on stage, even if you are doing seven minutes up front.

01:38:21.000 Yeah.

01:38:21.000 You have to do the gaps in between.

01:38:23.000 If you become a good host, that's your way to getting in at any club.

01:38:26.000 Were you at the Comedy Works in Denver?

01:38:30.000 Yeah, that's my home club. 1.00

01:38:30.000 That's the shit. 1.00

01:38:31.000 I'm a company man, dude. 1.00

01:38:33.000 Oh yeah, that's right.

01:38:33.000 I didn't see it.

01:38:34.000 Is it 40 years ago?

01:38:36.000 Yeah, 40 years.

01:38:36.000 Wow.

01:38:37.000 81. Wow, that's amazing.

01:38:39.000 Yeah.

01:38:39.000 I don't even know when I first went there.

01:38:41.000 Dude, I got a story for you there.

01:38:43.000 Remember when you tried to move to Boulder for a while?

01:38:45.000 Yeah.

01:38:46.000 So you came down and did, I think, New Talent Night on Tuesday.

01:38:50.000 You just closed their New Talent Night.

01:38:51.000 Yeah.

01:38:52.000 And a lot of us were on that show, just randomly.

01:38:56.000 So then, open for Joe Rogan, went in 13 people's bios the day after that show.

01:39:01.000 Because we happened to be on a show that you closed.

01:39:04.000 That's funny.

01:39:04.000 Yeah.

01:39:05.000 Happy to help.

01:39:05.000 Yeah.

01:39:06.000 No, it was good, man.

01:39:06.000 That was fun.

01:39:07.000 I wish I could have stayed.

01:39:08.000 Yeah.

01:39:09.000 That would have been wild if you set up what you did here in Boulder.

01:39:12.000 Well, I wouldn't have been able to do it back then because I didn't even have a podcast.

01:39:16.000 That was pre-podcast.

01:39:17.000 It was pre-podcast?

01:39:17.000 Yeah.

01:39:18.000 Wow.

01:39:18.000 One of the reasons why I started the podcast is I was bummed out that I had to leave Colorado.

01:39:23.000 Had to come back to LA. My wife got pregnant.

01:39:25.000 And back then, if you are pregnant at high altitude, it's very rough.

01:39:34.000 It's like having the flu.

01:39:35.000 Yeah.

01:39:36.000 Altitude sickness.

01:39:37.000 Yeah.

01:39:37.000 And when we came back, also, she couldn't drive in snow, but that's another story.

01:39:40.000 But when we came back, it was like immediate difference in being at altitude versus like, where we were at was like 8,000 feet above sea level.

01:39:48.000 It was very high.

01:39:48.000 Yeah.

01:39:49.000 It was awesome, though.

01:39:50.000 But it's, you know, like, I got a dog eaten by a mountain lion up there.

01:39:54.000 Right away?

01:39:55.000 It was rough.

01:39:55.000 Yeah, a little dog.

01:39:56.000 Left him in the yard.

01:39:57.000 Jesus Christ.

01:39:58.000 It's sketchy. 1.00

01:39:59.000 You're dealing with like real wild shit up there. 0.99

01:40:03.000 You know, you see porcupines and foxes and occasionally you'll see something crazy like a mountain lion. 0.98

01:40:10.000 I saw one mountain lion in between the trees once and I was like, whoa.

01:40:14.000 Yeah.

01:40:15.000 I could only see it like briefly like Bigfoot, like just moving through the trees. 0.81

01:40:18.000 But I saw this four-legged thing just moving through the trees and I was like, oh shit, I think that's a mountain lion. 1.00

01:40:23.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

01:40:24.000 And the neighbors all saw them. 1.00

01:40:25.000 They saw them all over the place.

01:40:27.000 They used to be around my middle school all the time.

01:40:29.000 We'd have to have indoor recess because there was mountain lions outside.

01:40:32.000 In one of the places near where I was staying, this guy left his door, like, either partially ajar or the bear figured out how to get into his car.

01:40:42.000 And maybe the bear opened the door.

01:40:44.000 The door was unlocked.

01:40:45.000 So the bear opened the door and ate his seats.

01:40:49.000 Ate his dashboard.

01:40:51.000 Ate everything.

01:40:52.000 Just summer bears.

01:40:53.000 They just smelled leather.

01:40:55.000 Yeah.

01:40:56.000 They just assumed that it was an animal.

01:40:58.000 I don't like that a bear can open a car door.

01:41:00.000 That doesn't feel good.

01:41:01.000 Well, I think they're smart, man.

01:41:03.000 And if they've done it before...

01:41:04.000 That's the thing about bears when they attack. 0.93

01:41:07.000 They were discussing that to us when we move up there.

01:41:10.000 They said if they get your garbage, like, it's a real problem because they're never going to stop coming back.

01:41:14.000 Yeah.

01:41:15.000 Once the bears find...

01:41:16.000 Yeah.

01:41:16.000 Once they find it, they're like, you don't scare them off.

01:41:19.000 You scare them off for now.

01:41:20.000 That was like me at that 7-Eleven dumpster, man.

01:41:22.000 As soon as I found out, they had the hot and readies in there.

01:41:25.000 I was like...

01:41:26.000 I was on all fours.

01:41:33.000 It's a funny story now to look back though, right?

01:41:36.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:36.000 I loved it, man.

01:41:37.000 That's one of the awesome things about, like, pulling it off.

01:41:41.000 Yeah, I know.

01:41:42.000 Yeah.

01:41:42.000 Dude, yeah, like, being here after doing it so hard for so long, like I did it, is, it feels cool when something pays off in comedy.

01:41:50.000 Yeah, it does.

01:41:52.000 Because I did it, like, gnarly.

01:41:53.000 Like, Joey Coco Diaz, when he tells those stories, I'm like, oh, I did that as well.

01:41:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:41:57.000 Like, it's fucked, but it was great. 0.99

01:41:59.000 That's how everybody does it. 1.00

01:42:00.000 You do those triple runs.

01:42:01.000 Yeah.

01:42:01.000 You do those weird gigs in the middle of nowhere.

01:42:04.000 Entertainment Max.

01:42:05.000 Everybody has those stories.

01:42:06.000 Yeah.

01:42:07.000 It's one of the fun things about doing comedy.

01:42:09.000 It's the best, dude. 1.00

01:42:10.000 That's why those YouTube guys are fucked. 1.00

01:42:11.000 I know. 1.00

01:42:12.000 If you get famous on YouTube and then you start doing comedy as an open-miker, you're already famous. 0.99

01:42:15.000 Like, you already got your own crowds coming to see you. 0.98

01:42:19.000 But their crowds are dumb because they're into that kind of humor. 0.94

01:42:21.000 Like, comedy's so big now that it's boutique and you can find exactly what you think is funny. 0.99

01:42:25.000 That's true.

01:42:26.000 Yeah.

01:42:26.000 That's true.

01:42:27.000 So if you want to be a YouTube Guys fan and go to see his shows, you don't care that he's not competent at comedy because you just want to get the fucking selfie with him after the show. 0.93

01:42:34.000 Have you seen the meet and greets for those YouTube Guys shows? 0.96

01:42:36.000 No.

01:42:37.000 So they'll do like 35 minutes and then they'll do a Q&A typically and then there's like a two and a half hour meet and greet afterward where people come on, buy the t-shirt, take the picture.

01:42:45.000 That's the whole show.

01:42:46.000 They want the gram.

01:42:47.000 They want the gram.

01:42:47.000 That's why people attend.

01:42:49.000 Oh.

01:42:49.000 And those YouTube guys are printing money.

01:42:51.000 Wow. 0.99

01:42:52.000 Yeah, and then they get a guy like me hosting for him, and you fucking bury him. 0.94

01:42:56.000 But then you look out at the crowd and you're like, oh, you guys don't know what good comedy is. 0.97

01:43:00.000 You guys just want to see, you know, fucking Lefty Rezar coming up next. 0.92

01:43:04.000 They're just happy to see that Twitch guy. 0.98

01:43:05.000 Yeah.

01:43:06.000 Yeah, he's really good at playing video games.

01:43:08.000 Yeah.

01:43:08.000 Strange.

01:43:09.000 What a skill, dude. 0.99

01:43:10.000 It's a weird thing, but is it any weirder than, like, fucking news anchors? 0.99

01:43:15.000 No. 0.99

01:43:15.000 Weirder than anybody who becomes famous for no fucking reason? 0.99

01:43:18.000 In matters of taste, there is no debate, you know? 1.00

01:43:21.000 So if you're into that shit, go crazy. 0.99

01:43:23.000 I think it's good overall because now people who might not have gone to comedy clubs are getting into the comedy club system. 1.00

01:43:28.000 So they get that email and then they receive the, hey, you know, it's your birthday. 0.98

01:43:31.000 Bring 20 friends type shit. 0.96

01:43:33.000 And then it gets more people to get eyes on comedy, even if it is through like an ulterior way. 0.99

01:43:38.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:43:38.000 What freaks people out, though, is when YouTube guys start doing weekends at a club they used to work at.

01:43:43.000 They go, hey, what the fuck? 0.99

01:43:44.000 We're all pissed. 0.99

01:43:45.000 It's not even really comedy.

01:43:46.000 I know. 0.99

01:43:47.000 And then I have to do a wrap date there, and it's like, what the fuck? 0.98

01:43:50.000 What's a wrap date? 0.96

01:43:50.000 It's like a Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday, you know? 0.96

01:43:53.000 Oh, a wrap.

01:43:54.000 So you wrap around the weekend where the YouTubers are there.

01:43:57.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:43:58.000 But that's fun too, though.

01:43:59.000 I mean, it's fun to be in a comedy club.

01:44:01.000 It's fun for the crowd.

01:44:02.000 It's fun to go from, like, the warehouses that I was performing in to...

01:44:05.000 Because I came at it from, like, a punk rock, like, hardcore DIY thing where it's like, I'll perform anywhere.

01:44:11.000 And then you just live on the road.

01:44:13.000 And you would come home.

01:44:14.000 I'd be gone for, like, three weeks and come home with, like, $600.

01:44:17.000 My wife would be like, what is... 1.00

01:44:18.000 What's...

01:44:18.000 Why?

01:44:19.000 And it's like, well, I'm getting good, you know?

01:44:21.000 One day, baby.

01:44:22.000 Yeah, one day.

01:44:23.000 I'll be on JRE. She's got to be happy now.

01:44:25.000 She's stoked.

01:44:26.000 I mean, when she met me, she knew what it was.

01:44:28.000 I was already on the road.

01:44:30.000 So you were already working.

01:44:31.000 Yeah, I mean, I've been on the road since like 2008, doing all those mountain show gigs, opening for people in like Gillette, Wyoming.

01:44:38.000 Oh, really?

01:44:39.000 Yeah.

01:44:39.000 What are those like?

01:44:40.000 Terrible. 1.00

01:44:41.000 Dog shit. 1.00

01:44:42.000 What's in Gillette, Wyoming? 1.00

01:44:44.000 Mingles.

01:44:45.000 Mingles is in Gillette, Wyoming.

01:44:46.000 Paint a picture for me.

01:44:47.000 You walk in, all right?

01:44:48.000 You've got a big disco ball.

01:44:50.000 You have a linoleum floor and a bar for some reason.

01:44:53.000 There's all those like terrible chairs that they brought in from a church, like the hard metal chairs that wrestlers would hit each other with.

01:44:58.000 Uh-huh.

01:44:59.000 You walk in, there's seven TVs, you know, they turn off whatever the local high school football game is, and you have to perform. 0.98

01:45:06.000 You go up, you do 20 minutes, eat your ass for people who, you know, they don't know what comedy is. 0.96

01:45:13.000 They're not the most, like, they're not into creative comedy, you know? 0.99

01:45:16.000 They're like Vegas crowds, but they can't afford to go to Vegas, all right?

01:45:19.000 And then you see, like, the worst hack in the world... 1.00

01:45:23.000 Go on and kill after you. 0.98

01:45:25.000 And you're like, oh, what am I doing here? 1.00

01:45:27.000 And then the hack tries to fuck some old lady and you have to sleep in the bathtub because you're sharing a hotel room. 0.99

01:45:32.000 And you get a hundred bucks and you have to split gas. 1.00

01:45:35.000 That's those shows, dude.

01:45:36.000 Oh my god.

01:45:37.000 Dude, one time I did a show up there with this guy who...

01:45:41.000 Not gonna say his name.

01:45:43.000 But after the show, the lady's like, you guys hungry?

01:45:46.000 And I was like, yes, I'm hungry.

01:45:47.000 And he's like, we're okay, we're okay. 0.97

01:45:48.000 And she's like, well, we got the best fucking chicken wings in the world up here. 1.00

01:45:51.000 And he's like, oh, we're good. 0.99

01:45:53.000 Hour goes by, we're drinking.

01:45:55.000 He's like, hey, what's up with those chicken wings?

01:45:57.000 And they're like, oh, we turned the fryer off like a half hour ago.

01:45:59.000 And the guy's like, ah, man, chicken wings sound good right now, don't they, Sam?

01:46:03.000 And I'm like, I guess, yeah, sure.

01:46:06.000 So he's like, what about those chicken wings?

01:46:08.000 And they're like, ah, we can't.

01:46:09.000 We have to get the chef back in here and get the fryer going again. 0.96

01:46:13.000 And he's like, yeah, we got time.

01:46:14.000 You guys want to do that?

01:46:15.000 So they're like, okay, right on, sir. 0.99

01:46:18.000 So they fucking get the fryer going again. 0.98

01:46:20.000 The guy who does the chicken wings comes back. 0.99

01:46:23.000 They're like, so how do you want your chicken wings done?

01:46:25.000 And he's like, I want them spicy.

01:46:26.000 And they're like, well, we got real spicy wings.

01:46:28.000 And he's like, that's good.

01:46:30.000 So we're there for another 45 minutes as the fryer wheel is heating up.

01:46:33.000 They finally put the wings in.

01:46:34.000 They come out.

01:46:35.000 They give him the wings.

01:46:35.000 He takes a bite.

01:46:36.000 He goes, oh, these are spicy.

01:46:39.000 And they're like, yeah, you said you want them spicy.

01:46:40.000 And he's like, I can't have these. 0.98

01:46:42.000 And he fucking left. 0.99

01:46:44.000 Wow. 0.99

01:46:44.000 And that guy was like the coolest guy in the world to me at this time. 0.99

01:46:47.000 That's the guy I aspired to be.

01:46:49.000 You know what I mean?

01:46:50.000 That's the dude.

01:46:51.000 That's the dude who brought me, gave me the shot. 1.00

01:46:54.000 That fucking ascended hand of God came down and touched me. 0.98

01:46:57.000 But isn't it also like an education to like that kind of comic? 0.99

01:47:00.000 Yeah.

01:47:01.000 Because you don't know about that kind of comic until you work with them on the road.

01:47:03.000 And you realize that's why we're in the middle of Wyoming doing this gig.

01:47:07.000 And this guy's been doing comedy for 15 years.

01:47:09.000 He's making $350 tonight.

01:47:11.000 Yeah.

01:47:11.000 And I dropped out of college to do this gig with him.

01:47:14.000 Thank you.

01:47:16.000 Yeah.

01:47:17.000 I mean, people don't think about that kind of comedy. 0.99

01:47:20.000 My fucking book is all about that guy. 0.99

01:47:22.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:47:23.000 People forget about the dudes who are out there fucking doing 12 nights in a row. 0.98

01:47:28.000 There's a lot of them. 0.99

01:47:28.000 There's a shitload. 0.99

01:47:30.000 A lot of them. 0.78

01:47:30.000 And they just are there to sell merch. 0.78

01:47:31.000 That's their whole thing.

01:47:32.000 They just run their sad flea market after the shows. 1.00

01:47:35.000 And people come up and their shirt says, like, I'm with stupid with an arrow pointing down to their dick. 1.00

01:47:40.000 And then it's like a link to a fucking, you know, Angelfire website on the back of it. 1.00

01:47:44.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:47:46.000 And then their whole thing is, like, trying to bang someone's daughter or, like, find the worst cocaine in South Dakota. 0.99

01:47:52.000 And they think they're fucking cool. 0.99

01:47:54.000 And then you have to share a room with these guys, and they'll be like, alright, in the bathtub with you. 0.99

01:47:57.000 I got a lady coming over. 1.00

01:47:59.000 They, like, throw you a pillow.

01:48:00.000 They're like, alright, I'll knock on the door when I'm done.

01:48:03.000 Oh my god.

01:48:04.000 Yeah, and I did that for, like, three years.

01:48:06.000 And I would call home and be like, mom and dad, I made it, you know?

01:48:09.000 Wow.

01:48:09.000 I'm living my dream right now.

01:48:11.000 I did a college where I had to stand on stage, and the stage was two lunch tables that they pushed together. 0.94

01:48:19.000 Middle of the day?

01:48:20.000 Yeah, middle of the day.

01:48:21.000 There's a speaker up there with you, and you're standing on these rickety lunch tables. 0.95

01:48:27.000 And these guys were calling me a fag, yelling out, and I started tearing them apart. 0.63

01:48:34.000 And when I started tearing them apart, then all of a sudden everybody starts laughing. 0.89

01:48:37.000 Yeah.

01:48:38.000 And they come up to the side of the stage and said, you're not allowed to swear.

01:48:42.000 I go, not allowed to swear? 0.99

01:48:43.000 Like, what the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

01:48:45.000 And then I turned them against them. 0.99

01:48:47.000 I'm like, listen to this, folks.

01:48:48.000 How many of you are 18?

01:48:49.000 Of course.

01:48:50.000 They all start cheering.

01:48:51.000 I go, so you guys are old enough to go to war.

01:48:53.000 You're old enough to die for your country. 0.99

01:48:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:48:55.000 But this fucking guy over here doesn't think I can swear in front of you. 1.00

01:48:59.000 Because you don't know, like, I don't want to tarnish your pristine little minds. 1.00

01:49:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:49:04.000 I'm like, fuck this place. 1.00

01:49:05.000 Let's light this place on fire. 1.00

01:49:06.000 And everybody starts screaming and cheering.

01:49:08.000 And then the guy goes, fine.

01:49:10.000 We'll deal with the consequences later.

01:49:11.000 Do whatever you want.

01:49:12.000 I go, I was gonna do whatever I wanted anyway.

01:49:14.000 He just told me I could do whatever I want.

01:49:15.000 Like, did you not understand that I was already doing whatever I want? 0.99

01:49:18.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:49:20.000 Don't give me clearance to do whatever the fuck I want. 1.00

01:49:22.000 But it all of a sudden became fun. 1.00

01:49:24.000 Because it became like, here's this 24-year-old visiting these 18-year-olds, talking shit with them. 0.99

01:49:30.000 And you're like an old man to them. 1.00

01:49:31.000 I was old as fuck, 24! 1.00

01:49:33.000 I was an old man. 1.00

01:49:33.000 I'm like, listen, none of these people know what the fuck is going on. 1.00

01:49:36.000 They're all trapped here. 0.98

01:49:38.000 They're in Olivet, Michigan.

01:49:39.000 Okay, there's no reason.

01:49:40.000 They don't want to be here.

01:49:41.000 This is a disaster.

01:49:42.000 The directions I got to get here.

01:49:44.000 So I started talking about the directions that I got.

01:49:46.000 They were so wrong.

01:49:48.000 They couldn't have been more wrong.

01:49:49.000 Yeah.

01:49:49.000 It's like someone not knowing what the roads are and just writing things.

01:49:52.000 I had to get directions from someone else that was unrelated.

01:49:56.000 I had to make three or four different phone calls in the days of no cell phones.

01:50:00.000 So I had to pull over to gas stations, find a pay phone. 0.99

01:50:02.000 Where the fuck is your college? 0.98

01:50:05.000 And these are the people that were like teaching young people. 0.99

01:50:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:50:09.000 Morons! 1.00

01:50:09.000 Molding young minds. 1.00

01:50:10.000 And when he had a conversation with me afterwards when he's writing me a check, he's like, I'm gonna talk to your agent about this.

01:50:16.000 I go, talk to my agent.

01:50:17.000 And here's another thing. 1.00

01:50:18.000 How about tell the fucking people they can't yell out obscenities? 1.00

01:50:21.000 Yeah, they can't slur me. 0.99

01:50:23.000 And I'm in the middle of doing comedy, and comedy happens.

01:50:27.000 Like, that's what you do.

01:50:28.000 Do you know that's my job? 0.99

01:50:29.000 When someone starts yelling shit at me, I go, what did you say, sir? 0.99

01:50:32.000 And then we're having fun. 0.99

01:50:34.000 Okay?

01:50:34.000 Do you understand?

01:50:34.000 That is what you paid me to do.

01:50:36.000 Yeah.

01:50:37.000 If you don't police the crowd, if you didn't ask these children to be nice and be good audience members, then it's like a regular show.

01:50:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:50:46.000 And it's going to be a regular show anyway, stupid. 1.00

01:50:48.000 I'm a comedian. 1.00

01:50:49.000 Also, it's the middle of the day. 0.99

01:50:50.000 These kids are trying to study, and you just fucking sprung me on them. 0.99

01:50:53.000 Ambush comedy is a nightmare, dude. 1.00

01:50:55.000 And they were animals.

01:50:56.000 These were all football players.

01:50:57.000 Yeah.

01:50:57.000 Oh, it was one of those?

01:50:59.000 Yes!

01:50:59.000 A lot of them, the whole football team was there, and they were animals.

01:51:02.000 But as soon as I turned on that guy, then we're having a party.

01:51:05.000 Right, then they get it.

01:51:06.000 They know you're cool.

01:51:07.000 Yeah, then it was fun.

01:51:08.000 Yeah, because you swore.

01:51:09.000 I was like your age.

01:51:11.000 I did this stage of life. 1.00

01:51:13.000 These fucking people, these are not the people you should be listening to. 0.99

01:51:16.000 Yeah, you turn into the guy who's yelling at you, you make him flinch, and they're like, yes! 1.00

01:51:20.000 He's one of ours. 0.98

01:51:22.000 Hit him! 1.00

01:51:23.000 Fucking hit him! 1.00

01:51:23.000 You pants him and shove him over? 1.00

01:51:25.000 Yeah, shoot a Bud Light. 0.93

01:51:27.000 Shotgun it.

01:51:30.000 Dude, those college gigs.

01:51:32.000 I used to do a frat gig in Boulder up at CU where they would make all the pledges, wear a pink hat, and it was just my job to go in there and pretty much MKUltra them. 0.99

01:51:41.000 They would give me information on these kids and it was my job to roast them to the point of wanting to quit the fucking fraternity. 0.54

01:51:47.000 And it paid like, you know, $800, and I was like, yes, this is the greatest in the world. 0.99

01:51:52.000 So then you're just like, Chinese, wrong! 1.00

01:51:54.000 Look at this guy, clearly gay, you know? 0.99

01:51:56.000 And all the frat guys are in the back being like, yes, he's doing it, yes. 0.97

01:52:03.000 Has two moms, lesbian parents, you know?

01:52:05.000 Like, how does he know this? 0.81

01:52:08.000 Clubfoot!

01:52:09.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:52:10.000 Yeah, dude.

01:52:11.000 Where are my AV brothers at?

01:52:12.000 Yes.

01:52:13.000 Where's the AV room boys at?

01:52:15.000 Those are the original tech people.

01:52:17.000 Yeah, dude.

01:52:17.000 Remember the AV room?

01:52:18.000 Mm-hmm.

01:52:19.000 They would not want you in there.

01:52:21.000 No.

01:52:21.000 If you showed up, they'd say, please leave, sir.

01:52:23.000 Sir, this is not for you.

01:52:25.000 You're, like, younger than them, and they're calling you sir.

01:52:28.000 Did that honey get you a little bit?

01:52:29.000 It's doing something, probably.

01:52:31.000 We'll see.

01:52:32.000 We'll give it a little more time.

01:52:33.000 I thought I was going to freak out and take my shirt off.

01:52:35.000 I was a little worried about that.

01:52:38.000 But I felt like it's worth the gamble.

01:52:39.000 It was, dude.

01:52:40.000 It's very good. 0.73

01:52:41.000 If I fucked it up, we'll just do it again. 0.79

01:52:42.000 Another time.

01:52:43.000 Yeah.

01:52:44.000 We'll just have a redo.

01:52:46.000 I like it.

01:52:47.000 Tonight's gonna be fun.

01:52:48.000 We'll have another time.

01:52:49.000 Very excited.

01:52:49.000 I'll be confused in there.

01:52:51.000 Krista's daffodil's coming tonight, too. 0.98

01:52:52.000 Sick, man.

01:52:53.000 Right on. 0.90

01:52:54.000 Yeah, so it'll be a good time.

01:52:55.000 I like Kristy.

01:52:55.000 Yeah, he's in town.

01:52:56.000 He's doing a gig tomorrow night at the Paramount, I think?

01:53:00.000 One of the big theaters up here, I think.

01:53:02.000 I think that's it.

01:53:04.000 That's where I first met Egott.

01:53:06.000 Adam Egan. 1.00

01:53:06.000 He's the fucking man. 1.00

01:53:07.000 He's the greatest. 1.00

01:53:08.000 Silly fucker. 1.00

01:53:09.000 We've become very good friends. 1.00

01:53:10.000 We text each other music like we're dating.

01:53:12.000 Oh, sweet.

01:53:13.000 Yeah.

01:53:14.000 What kind of music? 0.99

01:53:15.000 Like old hardcore and shit. 0.99

01:53:16.000 Oh, look at you guys. 0.96

01:53:17.000 Yeah.

01:53:18.000 Maybe you're the one who put that swastika up on my wall. 0.91

01:53:20.000 I couldn't get up a ladder. 1.00

01:53:21.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

01:53:22.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

01:53:23.000 That's why you're so into that thing. 1.00

01:53:25.000 I love the swastika. 0.96

01:53:25.000 You're laughing because it was you. 0.96

01:53:27.000 Yeah, it was me the whole time, Joe. 0.95

01:53:28.000 It was so ridiculous looking at it.

01:53:30.000 I was like, why is it still here? 0.98

01:53:32.000 Like, I understand that nobody here made it, but you gotta just fucking get rid of that. 0.89

01:53:36.000 That should have been the first thing. 0.62

01:53:37.000 You know about the Eiffel Tower during the German occupation?

01:53:40.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:53:40.000 They'd put a fucking swat on the top of the Eiffel Tower, like a big flag. 0.98

01:53:44.000 Really? 1.00

01:53:44.000 And every day, Frenchmen would climb the tower and they'd get shot down or fall off until one of them got that fucking swastika off the tower. 1.00

01:53:51.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:53:52.000 Yeah, they resisted pretty hard.

01:53:56.000 But think about how majestic that swa must have looked flapping up there.

01:53:59.000 Jesus Christ.

01:54:00.000 Yeah.

01:54:01.000 It's sort of like that thing that they did with Shia LaBeouf when he had that website.

01:54:07.000 Oh yeah, and 4chan got to the bottom of it.

01:54:09.000 He would not divide us.

01:54:11.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:54:11.000 And then they used like flight patterns and shit. 0.98

01:54:13.000 It was the most brilliant thing that anyone's ever done on the internet. 0.99

01:54:16.000 To weaponize autism.

01:54:17.000 Yeah.

01:54:18.000 It was amazing.

01:54:19.000 And then, do you know that Radiolab took the podcast down where they were describing it?

01:54:24.000 No.

01:54:25.000 They had a whole podcast.

01:54:26.000 I heard that podcast.

01:54:27.000 Why'd they take it down?

01:54:28.000 Because they were saying that 4chan is associated with racism and homophobia and all sorts of other things.

01:54:36.000 And it's just like to elevate that website and to talk about that.

01:54:40.000 And so they decided to delete it.

01:54:43.000 But I had already listened to it by the time they deleted it.

01:54:45.000 Is it back up?

01:54:46.000 No, no.

01:54:46.000 You can find it.

01:54:47.000 I've just found it.

01:54:48.000 Okay, so here's what the Radiolab has decided to take down this episode.

01:54:53.000 Some listeners called us out.

01:54:55.000 Called us out is a... 0.99

01:54:56.000 That's so fucking woke speak. 0.99

01:54:58.000 They called us out, saying that in telling the Capture the Flag story in the way that we did, we essentially condoned some pretty despicable ideology and behavior. 0.99

01:55:07.000 No, you're not.

01:55:08.000 You're just talking about a thing that happened.

01:55:09.000 Yeah, you're just giving information.

01:55:10.000 Yeah.

01:55:11.000 To all the listeners who felt that way and to everyone else, please know that we hear you and that we take these criticisms to heart.

01:55:17.000 I feel awful that the things we said could be interpreted that way.

01:55:21.000 That's on us.

01:55:22.000 It was certainly not our intention and we apologize. 0.96

01:55:25.000 Dude, that's fucking lame. 1.00

01:55:27.000 That's pussy shit right there. 1.00

01:55:28.000 It doesn't make sense because if you listen to what it was, it was like they just thought that Shia LaBeouf, how do you say it? 1.00

01:55:36.000 LaBeouf?

01:55:36.000 LaBeouf, I think.

01:55:37.000 They just thought he was being ridiculous. 0.87

01:55:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:55:40.000 They thought he was being self-aggrandizing and just a silly actor fuck. 1.00

01:55:44.000 Very pretentious. 1.00

01:55:45.000 Very pretentious. 1.00

01:55:46.000 And they were like, let's find that fucking flat. 1.00

01:55:48.000 Let's get his ass. 1.00

01:55:49.000 I loved it. 1.00

01:55:50.000 Yeah.

01:55:50.000 I loved it.

01:55:51.000 I thought it was hilarious.

01:55:52.000 Yeah.

01:55:53.000 I mean, there's no one...

01:55:55.000 Connected to that.

01:55:57.000 When you're reading that or seeing that and listening to that, you just have internet wizards figured out a way to get to a spot where something annoying was on the internet. 0.93

01:56:08.000 Where a dork was flexing.

01:56:09.000 And they won. 0.99

01:56:10.000 That's the wasp getting into the honeybees, dude. 0.87

01:56:13.000 They ate his larva.

01:56:15.000 They ate his larva. 1.00

01:56:16.000 And then the guy goes up to the camera and goes, fuck Shia LaBeouf. 0.99

01:56:21.000 Is that still available? 0.99

01:56:23.000 Can we hear that?

01:56:24.000 See if you can find that. 1.00

01:56:26.000 Because that shit's amazing. 1.00

01:56:27.000 I remember listening to that radio lab and going, that's so clever. 1.00

01:56:31.000 Those guys figured that out.

01:56:33.000 And how did that get connected to ideology?

01:56:37.000 Just because some of it exists on an internet-free website like 4chan, where basically anything goes?

01:56:45.000 It's moderated free speech.

01:56:46.000 Yes.

01:56:46.000 That's what happens sometimes.

01:56:47.000 That doesn't mean that the people who did that are in lockstep with any ideology.

01:56:54.000 No, they're not Nazis because they figured out where Shia LaBeouf's art installation was.

01:56:58.000 No one knows, like, I mean, haven't you heard an argument, I mean, maybe there have been ones, about the people that actually did it?

01:57:04.000 It's all just like that website is bad, so don't say that.

01:57:09.000 Don't talk about this awesome thing that happened.

01:57:11.000 That's so condescending.

01:57:12.000 It's so paternalistic to be like, we can't give you this information because it might make you frown. 0.99

01:57:17.000 It's like fucking A, dude. 0.99

01:57:18.000 Kids are being used to being treated that way. 1.00

01:57:20.000 That's why they're demanding it.

01:57:22.000 Like, you should be able to listen to an actual Nazi talk because it's educational. 0.69

01:57:27.000 Yeah.

01:57:28.000 Because you get to see this, like, slippery logic they use and apply it to human beings and how disgusting it is.

01:57:33.000 And how it's always been like that throughout history.

01:57:36.000 People have othered people for whatever reason.

01:57:39.000 And usually it's because it makes it easier to subjugate them, easier to dominate them.

01:57:43.000 Dude, Hitler was no good, but he could move a crowd. 1.00

01:57:46.000 God damn, could he fucking give a speech? 1.00

01:57:47.000 That guy killed that wily Austrian. 1.00

01:57:49.000 We watched a speech of his versus, who was it that we opposed it to?

01:57:55.000 Put it opposite of.

01:57:56.000 Bernie Mac. 1.00

01:57:58.000 I'm not scared of you, motherfucker. 1.00

01:57:59.000 Satin versus Hitler. 1.00

01:58:00.000 That was amazing.

01:58:02.000 That was like one of the best opening lines ever.

01:58:05.000 Have you seen Corey Holcomb at Shaq's benefit, dude?

01:58:07.000 No, I haven't.

01:58:08.000 Send you a clip.

01:58:09.000 What do you got, James? 0.99

01:58:10.000 I was hoping this was the fuck Shia LaBeouf part, but it's not. 0.97

01:58:13.000 Is this where they figured it out? 0.99

01:58:15.000 This is the actual flag.

01:58:17.000 So this is the unedited video.

01:58:23.000 The fact that they figured this out is just amazing.

01:58:26.000 4chan rules.

01:58:27.000 That's just amazing.

01:58:28.000 Location found.

01:58:29.000 That's just amazing. 1.00

01:58:31.000 Fuck Shia LaBeouf. 1.00

01:58:32.000 It shows all of the posts that they made. 1.00

01:58:33.000 Yeah.

01:58:35.000 Oh, man.

01:58:37.000 They may put some music behind this.

01:58:38.000 I can't.

01:58:39.000 So are those the guys that did it?

01:58:41.000 I honestly don't know.

01:58:43.000 4chan is using flight plans.

01:58:45.000 Go back to that.

01:58:47.000 4chan is using flight plans to locate that he will not divide us flag.

01:58:53.000 Godspeed, lads. 1.00

01:58:55.000 This is what happens when you don't get any pussy for long enough. 1.00

01:58:59.000 Yeah, man, you're fucking with nerds. 1.00

01:59:01.000 Yeah, it's a bad move. 1.00

01:59:02.000 These guys are dangerous.

01:59:03.000 Yeah, dude.

01:59:03.000 And they're having a good time.

01:59:05.000 And they won. 1.00

01:59:06.000 They got his ass. 1.00

01:59:07.000 They won, so it was all worth it. 1.00

01:59:08.000 Yeah.

01:59:08.000 Do you know what that must have felt like?

01:59:10.000 When they got that flag, it must have been like when Israel Adesanya knocked out Alex Pereira.

01:59:15.000 Right on the button.

01:59:16.000 You know, it's like this thing that you, like, how did we do it?

01:59:20.000 That's when they got the flag.

01:59:21.000 They put the...

01:59:22.000 436 a.m.

01:59:27.000 That's dedication.

01:59:28.000 They're discipline.

01:59:29.000 They're up at 436 a.m.

01:59:31.000 Capturing flags.

01:59:32.000 That's also organic anarchy.

01:59:34.000 That's people working together with like-minded ideals, you know?

01:59:37.000 I'm a fan.

01:59:38.000 Yeah, hell yeah.

01:59:38.000 I'm a fan of that kind of work.

01:59:39.000 Yes.

01:59:40.000 How did they take that episode down?

01:59:42.000 The episode was really well done, too.

01:59:43.000 It's unfortunate.

01:59:44.000 Because it doesn't condone anything.

01:59:46.000 That's not true.

01:59:47.000 And this whole, they called us out.

01:59:49.000 Like, no, they didn't.

01:59:50.000 They complained about something.

01:59:52.000 Your work should stand for itself.

01:59:53.000 And I thought it did. 0.83

01:59:55.000 It's silly.

01:59:56.000 Also, you can't live in this bubble where you don't know about ulterior modes of thought.

01:59:59.000 If you just found out about 4chan from that Radiolet episode, that's on you for not being engaged in the cultural conversation. 1.00

02:00:06.000 That's bullshit. 0.98

02:00:07.000 That's one of the fears that people have about Twitter. 0.99

02:00:09.000 When Elon took over, the fears they have about Twitter is it basically becomes 4chan on wheels.

02:00:16.000 4chan with advertising. 0.78

02:00:17.000 It's 4chan owned by the biggest billionaire troll that's ever existed. 0.93

02:00:23.000 I mean, Elon trolls people. 0.93

02:00:25.000 Yeah.

02:00:26.000 The only difference is there's girls on Twitter. 0.92

02:00:28.000 There's none on 4chan.

02:00:29.000 Yeah, there's probably no girls on 4chan. 0.98

02:00:31.000 Well, there are those incels that decide to go trans.

02:00:35.000 Oh, yeah.

02:00:35.000 There's like a word for that now.

02:00:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:00:37.000 There's like a word for incels that specifically decide to go trans.

02:00:41.000 Yeah, they got like Hypnode or whatever.

02:00:43.000 What are they called?

02:00:44.000 Jamie, do you know?

02:00:45.000 How you doing over there with that honey?

02:00:47.000 I'm loving it, dude.

02:00:48.000 I'm coming alive.

02:00:49.000 Yeah.

02:00:50.000 It seems to be affecting you.

02:00:51.000 I'm having a nice time.

02:00:53.000 It seems to be different than it's affecting me.

02:00:54.000 I'm wondering why.

02:00:54.000 I don't know, dude.

02:00:56.000 Maybe because I'm a big fat guy and you're cut from marble?

02:00:59.000 Maybe we have different metabolisms?

02:01:01.000 I'm wondering, like, what is it about the honey that, like...

02:01:05.000 Because the other guy that took...

02:01:06.000 Well, he took more than me.

02:01:07.000 Transmaxing. 0.88

02:01:08.000 I'm giggling.

02:01:09.000 This is a subculture of young men who embrace trans identities.

02:01:12.000 Not because they believe they were born with the wrong body, but because...

02:01:16.000 They can't get no buzzer.

02:01:18.000 Dude, did you hear about the dude who ran the Discord cult?

02:01:21.000 Where he would like, if you want to get in and be able to see photos of ladies like this, you have to send me a photo of yourself dressed up like a lady like this. 1.00

02:01:29.000 That was like a way to prove that you were cool.

02:01:31.000 And then he was blackmailing all these dudes being like, look, he's trans. 1.00

02:01:36.000 We got his ass. 1.00

02:01:37.000 And like threatening to send these pictures to their family. 1.00

02:01:39.000 And then they would have to send Bitcoin and shit to this guy. 0.99

02:01:42.000 The problem with not being funny. 0.99

02:01:43.000 Right.

02:01:46.000 Because a photo of me in a dress is worth zero dollars to me.

02:01:50.000 I know, dude.

02:01:50.000 Like, okay, I put a dress on.

02:01:52.000 Big deal.

02:01:53.000 Look at my lipstick.

02:01:54.000 I look great. 1.00

02:01:55.000 I'll put some fake eyelashes on, bitch. 1.00

02:01:57.000 I look like Rosie O'Donnell over here. 0.99

02:02:00.000 If someone got a photo of me, like, wearing high heels, walking around in girls' underwear, I'd be like, yeah, I did that.

02:02:06.000 Thought it was funny.

02:02:06.000 We're bulletproof in that way.

02:02:08.000 In that way?

02:02:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:02:09.000 But man, if you're a banker, and there's pictures of you in a dress, you're fucked, man. 1.00

02:02:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:02:14.000 You're in fucking deep shit. 1.00

02:02:16.000 Yeah, if you work at, like, a college. 1.00

02:02:17.000 Yeah, you're in deep shit. 1.00

02:02:19.000 Then they're mad at you for appropriating culture. 1.00

02:02:21.000 That's one great thing about working for the UFC. If they caught you, like, wearing a dress somewhere, no one would give a shit. 0.99

02:02:27.000 Yeah, they'd probably, like, blow it up and put it in the locker room. 0.99

02:02:29.000 They'd be like, see, we're inclusive.

02:02:30.000 Exactly, yeah.

02:02:32.000 We're making friends all over.

02:02:34.000 Let's go!

02:02:35.000 You win full tycoon over there.

02:02:37.000 Let's go!

02:02:38.000 Yeah, when you lean backwards, you're a tycoon. 0.99

02:02:43.000 Where's that fucking lighter, dude? 0.99

02:02:45.000 I can't keep this thing lit. 0.99

02:02:47.000 I should have another one, but Ari stole it. 1.00

02:02:49.000 I keep blowing smoke.

02:02:50.000 I used to have two here.

02:02:50.000 But Ari should feel- I think I told him he could have it, though.

02:02:54.000 Did I tell him he could have it?

02:02:55.000 We were a little lit by that time.

02:02:59.000 So how many days are you in town for, Mr. Talent?

02:03:01.000 I leave on Thursday, man.

02:03:02.000 Nice.

02:03:03.000 I'm doing your lovely comedy club tomorrow.

02:03:06.000 I'm in the little boy.

02:03:06.000 The fat man's in the little boy.

02:03:08.000 Yeah, the little room is awesome.

02:03:10.000 It's such an intimate little room.

02:03:12.000 It's such a cool little room.

02:03:14.000 That's where Chappelle did his...

02:03:16.000 Dude.

02:03:16.000 He did the first night there, the first show.

02:03:19.000 I think I was there that night.

02:03:20.000 Shane Gillis and Chappelle was the first show ever in that room, which is what an amazing show.

02:03:24.000 I know. 0.99

02:03:25.000 I was here for South By and Chappelle was going on and I had to run over and do my South By shows and I was like, fuck. 0.99

02:03:30.000 I want to stay here. 0.99

02:03:32.000 I want to experience. 0.99

02:03:33.000 It was pretty fucking dope. 0.99

02:03:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:03:34.000 It was pretty dope. 0.99

02:03:35.000 It was cool to have, first of all, it was cool to have Louie in early because Louie gave me some really, really good advice and we fixed some things because of his advice.

02:03:45.000 Like right before cement was about to be poured, We shrunk the stage in the little room.

02:03:50.000 It was Louie's advice.

02:03:51.000 And we dropped the ceiling down a little bit in the little room.

02:03:54.000 And that was also Louie's advice.

02:03:55.000 It was already a pretty small ceiling, but he's like, drop it down even more.

02:03:58.000 Make it flat right here.

02:04:00.000 Yeah, I can palm the ceiling in there.

02:04:04.000 And then in the big room, he had us drop the main ceiling down as well.

02:04:09.000 It's nice, man.

02:04:11.000 It's nice to have it set up that way and to have guys like him and his advice and to have Dave come down and Dave just loved it.

02:04:20.000 Dave's building his own place.

02:04:22.000 He's building his own place in Yellow Springs.

02:04:23.000 In Ohio?

02:04:24.000 Yeah, it's called the Firehouse.

02:04:25.000 It used to be an actual firehouse.

02:04:27.000 Is there going to be a pole to the stage?

02:04:29.000 I don't know.

02:04:29.000 That would be cool.

02:04:30.000 That would be great.

02:04:30.000 I don't know if it's still there.

02:04:32.000 Maybe it's been something since then, but it used to be a firehouse.

02:04:39.000 Having him come out and checking this out, and then he's like, dude, now I'm inspired.

02:04:44.000 So whatever he's going to do in Yellow Springs is going to be very interesting.

02:04:47.000 Because I think he's doing 120 seats. 0.99

02:04:49.000 Holy shit. 0.99

02:04:50.000 I think he's doing the size of Little Boy. 1.00

02:04:52.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

02:04:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:04:54.000 Imagine that?

02:04:54.000 You can go see Dave Chappelle at any given night.

02:04:57.000 In his backyard.

02:04:58.000 What a great idea, though.

02:04:59.000 He's Dave Chappelle.

02:05:00.000 He could do that anywhere.

02:05:02.000 Why not?

02:05:02.000 Why not build your own club and have the people come to you?

02:05:06.000 Because of course they're going to come to you.

02:05:07.000 It'll be a vacation destination, like your club is.

02:05:10.000 People were from all over the world last night at Kill Tony.

02:05:13.000 But I don't know how many hotels they have in Yellow Springs.

02:05:15.000 Build a hotel. 1.00

02:05:16.000 Build a fucking hotel. 1.00

02:05:17.000 Yeah, dude. 1.00

02:05:18.000 Become the monopoly.

02:05:18.000 Then the neighbors are going to complain, it's Dave Chappelle.

02:05:20.000 Kill the neighbors. 1.00

02:05:21.000 Kill the neighbors. 1.00

02:05:22.000 Who cares, Dave? 0.99

02:05:23.000 I like how you think immediately with the perfect answer.

02:05:25.000 Yeah.

02:05:26.000 Yeah.

02:05:27.000 So that spot's going to be interesting to see if more comics start doing this, buying and opening clubs. 0.98

02:05:35.000 I was with, damn dude, Shane's so fucking funny. 0.96

02:05:38.000 I was with Shane last weekend, and he was talking about the club, and just like how, if you got a bunch of comedians in a room, like monkeys with a typewriter, they would hammer it out, and it would fucking look like your club. 0.99

02:05:49.000 You know what I mean? 0.64

02:05:50.000 It's perfect, dude.

02:05:51.000 Well, it's, you know, because it was built...

02:05:54.000 Just for that.

02:05:55.000 Yeah.

02:05:55.000 I mean, we had all this time, you know?

02:05:57.000 Already had the employees lined up, you know?

02:06:00.000 So it was like, there's all this time to just do it right.

02:06:03.000 And you assembled a squad, dude.

02:06:04.000 You got like the A-team in there.

02:06:06.000 It's pretty awesome.

02:06:07.000 Yeah.

02:06:07.000 They're awesome people.

02:06:08.000 Yeah.

02:06:08.000 And now I got to hang out with Egot, and we got to sit in the back and say rude things to each other.

02:06:12.000 The fact that all this is happening while a really robust open mic program is happening, too.

02:06:18.000 Dude, you got a farm team, dude.

02:06:19.000 Yeah.

02:06:20.000 It's kind of like that, in a way.

02:06:21.000 Yeah.

02:06:21.000 It's fun.

02:06:22.000 You should be proud of yourself.

02:06:23.000 I'm excited.

02:06:24.000 I'm excited about it.

02:06:25.000 I mean, it's one of those things you probably shouldn't think about too much.

02:06:28.000 No, no, no.

02:06:30.000 Just accept it.

02:06:31.000 I think that's why the honey is working for me because this whole time I was sitting here thinking, I'm on the Joe Rogan experience and then the honey hit and I'm like, I'm just like trying to keep a cigar lit and drinking a beer with a cool guy.

02:06:42.000 But that's what it really is.

02:06:43.000 Yeah.

02:06:44.000 That's what's weird about it being this popular.

02:06:47.000 Just hanging out.

02:06:48.000 I know.

02:06:49.000 But you know this is a really big deal.

02:06:52.000 Maybe I'll sell out Cedar Rapids this weekend.

02:06:55.000 Well, I hope you do.

02:06:56.000 You're a funny guy.

02:06:56.000 Thanks, man.

02:06:57.000 It's nice to be able to do it.

02:07:01.000 I mean, it's one of the cool things about this game.

02:07:03.000 Putting people on?

02:07:03.000 Yeah, I love it.

02:07:04.000 Oh, yeah, dude.

02:07:05.000 All these skulls.

02:07:07.000 You know, there's not that many of us, buddy.

02:07:10.000 Out there in the world.

02:07:11.000 People with skulls?

02:07:12.000 No.

02:07:13.000 Oh, comedians.

02:07:14.000 There might be like a thousand of us.

02:07:16.000 Yeah.

02:07:16.000 You know?

02:07:17.000 Yeah.

02:07:17.000 Not that many.

02:07:18.000 I don't know, dude.

02:07:20.000 I've been traveling the world a lot doing stand-up.

02:07:22.000 Because that's a real up-and-coming thing now.

02:07:25.000 Like Paris and Bratislava and stuff.

02:07:29.000 Italy.

02:07:29.000 Like Barcelona.

02:07:31.000 And there's a lot of comics out there.

02:07:33.000 But good God, American comedians are the best to ever do it.

02:07:36.000 I'll say that. 1.00

02:07:37.000 It's our shit. 1.00

02:07:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:07:39.000 It's like we invented the timing.

02:07:40.000 We invented the whole rhythm of the thing.

02:07:42.000 It's like rock and roll.

02:07:44.000 There's something about...

02:07:44.000 I don't know what it is.

02:07:46.000 There's something about the way a lot of Europeans are raised that it's a hurdle to get to American stand-up. 1.00

02:07:52.000 Less of a hurdle for Australians.

02:07:53.000 Oh, yeah.

02:07:54.000 They slide right into it.

02:07:55.000 They're funny people, though.

02:07:56.000 They're wild.

02:07:58.000 Yeah, my boy Monty Franklin's coming tonight, too.

02:08:00.000 Nice.

02:08:01.000 But in terms of English versus American, there's a few guys, like there's Ricky Gervais, and there's a few guys who could really do it, but it's a different style of communication over there.

02:08:13.000 Yeah.

02:08:14.000 It doesn't necessarily apply that directly without completely remapping how you talk about things.

02:08:19.000 It's the whole storytelling thing they do over there, dude.

02:08:22.000 Yeah.

02:08:22.000 I mean, Jim Jeffries, obviously.

02:08:23.000 He rules. 0.99

02:08:24.000 That Connelly guy, he's fucking good. 0.98

02:08:26.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:08:27.000 Scotland, right?

02:08:28.000 But it's like, if you go to a place where it's English as a second language and you're the American comedian, you're bodying everyone.

02:08:35.000 It's nuts.

02:08:36.000 It's a bloodbath in there.

02:08:37.000 Why do you think the level over here is so much higher?

02:08:39.000 Because we've been doing it longer.

02:08:40.000 Is that what it is?

02:08:41.000 I think so.

02:08:41.000 And also, like, we value humor a lot more than other places do, I think.

02:08:45.000 I think also it's real hard to develop if you're the funniest guy in the room.

02:08:50.000 Oh yeah, for sure.

02:08:52.000 You have to have people you aspire to.

02:08:54.000 Yeah, and that's one of the more important things about comedy communities.

02:08:57.000 And that's one of the things that I thought a lot about when I first got here. 0.96

02:09:01.000 When I first got here, before I thought about, like, Jesus Christ, you really want to open up a fucking comedy crowd. 0.96

02:09:05.000 Is that really what you want to do with your time? 0.98

02:09:07.000 You don't have time already.

02:09:08.000 You don't have any time.

02:09:09.000 How are you going to do this?

02:09:11.000 But then I thought, like, that's actually a very valuable piece of the puzzle.

02:09:15.000 And the more I didn't have it, the more I was realizing, like, it's most of my fun at nighttime is hanging out with comics and talking.

02:09:24.000 Most of my fun at nighttime.

02:09:25.000 It's either...

02:09:27.000 You know, like, talking in the green room, or it's fucking around after the show, going and having a drink, or getting something to eat.

02:09:35.000 Like, that's, like, some of the most fun times I have.

02:09:37.000 That's why we're the luckiest people, dude.

02:09:39.000 Because everywhere you go, you hang out with the funniest people in that city.

02:09:42.000 Yeah, but if you don't have that, if you're just in, you know, whatever, some weird town somewhere, and you start an open mic night, it's hard to get good.

02:09:49.000 Oh, for sure.

02:09:50.000 You need, like, real comics around you, like, really good comics around you.

02:09:54.000 It's not even enough to be watching it on YouTube.

02:09:57.000 You gotta kinda see it live.

02:09:59.000 Yeah.

02:09:59.000 You gotta experience it live.

02:10:01.000 It's like you go on the road and then you meet someone really funny in like South Bend or Cincinnati and you're like, yo, dude, you got to get the fuck out of here. 0.73

02:10:07.000 You got to go somewhere else because you're really funny and you're not going to get as funny as you can here.

02:10:12.000 And there's also a thing that happens when comics get established and then they get their own audience and then they bring the weakest possible opening act and then they go on afterwards only in front of their audience and they look like a hero.

02:10:24.000 Right, yeah.

02:10:25.000 You know, it's a weird thing because your act sort of deteriorates without you even knowing it.

02:10:29.000 Right, yeah.

02:10:30.000 You ossify.

02:10:31.000 You get soft, yeah. 1.00

02:10:32.000 Yeah, some shit goes wrong. 1.00

02:10:34.000 You've got to be around killers. 1.00

02:10:37.000 Bill Bursa this once.

02:10:38.000 He was talking about somebody, and he goes, you've got to do the clubs.

02:10:42.000 You've got to do the clubs.

02:10:42.000 These guys, they get to a certain point, they stop doing the clubs, and their act falls apart.

02:10:47.000 It's 100% true.

02:10:50.000 You've got to do it in front of live people, small crowds, medium crowds, and that's why we set up these two rooms.

02:10:56.000 We have small and then a regular.

02:10:58.000 Yeah.

02:10:58.000 A 250 and a 120, which is like the right numbers.

02:11:02.000 You know, it's like 300 is the magic number for a comedy club.

02:11:06.000 For it to be intimate but still big, you know, 300 is the magic number.

02:11:10.000 So anywhere you can get between like 250 and 300 is like the sweet zone.

02:11:14.000 It's like comedy works.

02:11:15.000 Yeah, it's the sweet zone. 0.98

02:11:17.000 You get to those big fucking stand-up live in Phoenix, that's huge. 0.98

02:11:22.000 It's impersonal. 0.99

02:11:23.000 It's so big.

02:11:23.000 It's like a small theater.

02:11:24.000 It's fun for the people in the front, but it's like a small theater.

02:11:27.000 You watch people do crowd work in those big rooms, and there's people in back, and it's like, who's he talking to?

02:11:31.000 Zero idea what's going on.

02:11:31.000 You just see the back of the head back there.

02:11:33.000 Yeah, they have zero idea what's going on.

02:11:34.000 It's funny, when I was opening for Tim, Figuring out how to do comedy in front of 3,600 people or whatever it is.

02:11:42.000 Because you can't do crowd work.

02:11:43.000 You have to have an act.

02:11:45.000 That's when I got super strong.

02:11:47.000 I had a bulletproof 25 instead of relying on riffing or talking to the crowd.

02:11:52.000 It's like, no, here are my jokes and these are proven.

02:11:55.000 I can't imagine those arenas you do. 1.00

02:11:57.000 Those are fucking crazy, dude. 1.00

02:11:58.000 Those are weird. 0.99

02:11:59.000 But they're actually kind of intimate if it's in the round.

02:12:03.000 Yeah, I don't necessarily think that an arena where the back is the stage and the audience is in front of you, like normal, is as intimate as a theater.

02:12:17.000 It's less intimate than a theater, but more people.

02:12:20.000 But when you're in the round, there's something about being in the round that's more intimate than a theater.

02:12:26.000 It's really weird because you're surrounded by people and the people are seeing the other people.

02:12:32.000 Like everybody sees everybody and everybody's enjoying.

02:12:34.000 One of the things about laughter is it's contagious.

02:12:37.000 When you're actually seeing, looking straight ahead at people laughing, it's kind of more fun.

02:12:42.000 And there's like this weird sort of sense of like we're all here together having a good time thing.

02:12:48.000 That is less apparent when behind you is just a stage wall.

02:12:52.000 Dude, remember those Zoom shows? 1.00

02:12:53.000 You ever do that shit? 1.00

02:12:54.000 No. 1.00

02:12:55.000 Yeah, you don't have to.

02:12:56.000 No, I wouldn't have done it.

02:12:57.000 I did it.

02:12:57.000 Oh.

02:12:58.000 Money?

02:12:59.000 No, just because it was like, oh, I'll entertain some people in the middle of the day, you know?

02:13:03.000 Yeah, and they record it.

02:13:04.000 Oh, God, dude.

02:13:06.000 Slow as death.

02:13:06.000 I watched some people bomb at the Laugh Factory doing stand-up for no audience.

02:13:11.000 Yes.

02:13:12.000 And it was so weird, like, the steps that were taken to make sure everyone was safe.

02:13:16.000 Yes. 0.98

02:13:17.000 They put you in a giant hamster bubble and fucking roll you up to the stage. 1.00

02:13:20.000 No. 1.00

02:13:21.000 They bubble boy'd you?

02:13:22.000 I would've done that for sure.

02:13:24.000 I would've loved to have been the little- Imagine they develop a hamster chute and just roll out from the green room.

02:13:29.000 Okay.

02:13:30.000 Sam, talent.

02:13:32.000 Ready to launch.

02:13:33.000 You roll onto the stage.

02:13:35.000 I would've keep rolling, dude.

02:13:37.000 I would go right through the door.

02:13:38.000 Gravity has a weird effect on a man of my size.

02:13:40.000 So people are on that stage with a microphone and no audience.

02:13:45.000 Yeah.

02:13:45.000 So weird.

02:13:46.000 You need an audience.

02:13:47.000 You can't practice stand-up in a vacuum.

02:13:49.000 It doesn't work.

02:13:50.000 That's why it's the only pure way of entertaining.

02:13:52.000 Look at Tim Dillon when he does his show.

02:13:54.000 He has an audience of one.

02:13:55.000 Uh-huh.

02:13:56.000 The producer. 0.96

02:13:57.000 Yeah, but he's a once-in-a-fucking-generation broadcaster, dude. 0.93

02:13:59.000 Yeah, he is. 0.98

02:14:00.000 Tim's the dog.

02:14:01.000 He's the man.

02:14:02.000 I gotta hang out with Tim so much.

02:14:03.000 See him interact with people?

02:14:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:14:05.000 Fucking rules. 1.00

02:14:06.000 He's the fucking man. 1.00

02:14:07.000 He's the greatest ranter of all time. 1.00

02:14:09.000 He was like, some lady came in and was super annoying in Australia, and then he said some shit to her, and she laughed, and I was laughing, and he was like, here's what people don't know. 0.99

02:14:18.000 I'm a new money homosexual from Long Island. 0.99

02:14:21.000 I'm a problem. 0.98

02:14:23.000 People forget.

02:14:24.000 People forget about me because I look like this. 0.88

02:14:26.000 No, no, I'm nasty. 0.96

02:14:27.000 I was just howling, dude, slapping my legs. 0.96

02:14:31.000 He's the man.

02:14:32.000 He's the greatest.

02:14:33.000 He put me on, dude. 0.88

02:14:33.000 I fucking loved him. 0.88

02:14:34.000 He's so funny, and he's such a good person. 0.98

02:14:37.000 Generous, dude.

02:14:38.000 He's a fun guy.

02:14:39.000 That's the weird thing about meeting Mike. 0.99

02:14:40.000 Crazy as fuck, too. 1.00

02:14:41.000 Oh, sure. 1.00

02:14:42.000 I love him.

02:14:42.000 Yeah.

02:14:43.000 Undiagnosed, you know? 1.00

02:14:45.000 There's definitely some shit going on. 0.99

02:14:48.000 But he makes good real estate choices too. 1.00

02:14:50.000 Dude. 0.99

02:14:50.000 His fucking rants though, what he's doing is he's developing material like in a laboratory. 0.99

02:14:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:14:55.000 It's so good because he's gotten that muscle of doing that and ranting is so strong now because he's used to putting them together. 1.00

02:15:01.000 It was funny we were talking about it because it's like all day long now.

02:15:05.000 I can't relax because I'm thinking, okay, what's my take on this?

02:15:10.000 What am I going to say about that?

02:15:11.000 I'm mad about this.

02:15:12.000 What am I mad at?

02:15:13.000 What am I getting off about?

02:15:14.000 I'm like, oh, right, because you have to come up with all of it yourself.

02:15:18.000 So you have to have valid things, things that are going to capture people.

02:15:22.000 I want to see his take on Dylan Mulvaney.

02:15:24.000 I bet it's amazing.

02:15:25.000 I bet it is nuanced and profound and vulgar and smart.

02:15:29.000 I bet it's amazing.

02:15:30.000 Dude, Tim and I, when we were on the road together, he would just, like, find a really expensive house and arrange a viewing of the house, and we'd go in and, like, waste some realtor's time for an hour. 0.99

02:15:40.000 Like, she'd be like, and these are the windows, and he'd be like, very good, Charlotte, you know, and then she'd turn and he'd be like, dog shit, trash. 0.99

02:15:46.000 I wouldn't even kill someone in this room. 1.00

02:15:48.000 It's hell. 1.00

02:15:49.000 It sucks. 0.98

02:15:49.000 It could be good. 0.98

02:15:50.000 Why does he go and look at houses?

02:15:52.000 Because it's something to do on the road.

02:15:53.000 That's so weird.

02:15:54.000 One time a lady took us upstairs and it was like, the downstairs was beautiful and the upstairs was just like leftover materials, total rush job. 0.99

02:16:01.000 And we're like, oh fuck. 0.96

02:16:03.000 And she like grabs us and takes us into the bedroom and she points at the fire alarms and she's like, these are about to be the industry standard. 0.99

02:16:09.000 These are big.

02:16:10.000 These are going to take the world by storm.

02:16:11.000 And Tim turns to me and he goes, it's not good when she's selling the fire alarms.

02:16:14.000 Yeah.

02:16:15.000 You know the house is bad.

02:16:17.000 You know the house is bad when that's the selling point upstairs.

02:16:19.000 He was talking about what he does on the internet.

02:16:24.000 I watch a lot of YouTube videos, mostly nonsense.

02:16:27.000 And he goes, I'm on Zillow.

02:16:29.000 He is, dude, nonstop.

02:16:31.000 He's on Zillow.

02:16:31.000 He's looking at houses constantly.

02:16:32.000 I know.

02:16:33.000 But I mean, that's what his original thing was.

02:16:36.000 He sold subprime mortgages.

02:16:38.000 Oh yeah, he scammed America.

02:16:39.000 He was part of the crisis.

02:16:40.000 Yeah, he fleeced the nation.

02:16:42.000 Have you seen when he does Meghan McCain?

02:16:45.000 Yeah.

02:16:45.000 Yeah, of course.

02:16:45.000 This is Meghan McCain.

02:16:46.000 That is one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. 0.99

02:16:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:16:49.000 Apparently she doesn't like it, which I can understand. 0.99

02:16:51.000 No way.

02:16:51.000 I can understand.

02:16:53.000 It's not slight against you that he does this, by the way.

02:16:56.000 That is not you.

02:16:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:16:58.000 That is a ridiculous, comedic caricature. 0.99

02:17:02.000 Yes. 0.99

02:17:02.000 He's invented a character. 0.99

02:17:03.000 It's a lampoon, Meghan.

02:17:04.000 Yeah.

02:17:05.000 He's invented a completely different character than you.

02:17:08.000 Uh-huh. 0.95

02:17:08.000 He's just, wouldn't it be funny if Meghan became this insane? 0.95

02:17:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:17:13.000 Just like, holy shit. 1.00

02:17:14.000 Also, Meghan McCain secretly has huge breasts, which Tim pointed out to me. 1.00

02:17:18.000 Oh, are they secret? 0.99

02:17:20.000 I don't know.

02:17:20.000 She does a good job keeping them under wraps.

02:17:22.000 It's crazy when a gay guy points out a cool set of Hooters and you're like, I want to see the world through your eyes. 0.98

02:17:27.000 Interesting.

02:17:27.000 Yeah.

02:17:28.000 Interesting.

02:17:29.000 Well, he studied her.

02:17:30.000 Yes, he did.

02:17:31.000 Yeah, he studied her for that piece.

02:17:32.000 Like a predator.

02:17:34.000 Yes.

02:17:34.000 Like a bobcat looking at a chicken.

02:17:36.000 He's like that falcon getting let loose out of the window, dude.

02:17:38.000 Yeah.

02:17:39.000 Yeah.

02:17:40.000 That's how Tim sees the world.

02:17:41.000 It's prey.

02:17:44.000 He's the man.

02:17:45.000 He is the man.

02:17:46.000 I was so excited when he decided to come out here too.

02:17:48.000 Oh, he's so excited about being here?

02:17:49.000 Let me tell you.

02:17:50.000 He loves it in Austin.

02:17:52.000 He hates Austin City.

02:17:54.000 I know.

02:17:54.000 He loves the club though, but he hates everywhere.

02:17:56.000 Of course.

02:17:57.000 That's half the fun.

02:17:58.000 Of Tim.

02:17:58.000 Dude, Tim will call me and he's like, I'm going to get off the road for a couple months.

02:18:02.000 And then like a week later, I see his dates and it's like, you were a fucking gypsy, dude. 1.00

02:18:06.000 He's not going off the road. 0.99

02:18:07.000 No, he loves it out there.

02:18:08.000 He also keeps houses in a bunch of different states.

02:18:10.000 He likes it.

02:18:11.000 He does.

02:18:11.000 But we talked about it.

02:18:13.000 The week after he moved here, we had a deep freeze where it fucking rained, freezing rain for like five days in a row and shut everything down. 0.95

02:18:22.000 Yeah. 0.90

02:18:22.000 And I had him on the podcast right afterwards. 0.90

02:18:24.000 He goes, We were considering suing you. 0.99

02:18:29.000 Where the fuck did you move me? 0.99

02:18:32.000 That never happens, dude. 0.99

02:18:34.000 It happened again this year.

02:18:35.000 Yeah.

02:18:36.000 It happens.

02:18:36.000 Tim will call you and he's just in the middle of a conversation he's been having with himself, you know?

02:18:41.000 Yeah.

02:18:42.000 He'll be like, Duncan Trussell's got a puppet.

02:18:44.000 What's going on there?

02:18:46.000 That's how you say hello?

02:18:49.000 Is that okay?

02:18:50.000 Are we allowing puppets now?

02:18:52.000 It's good.

02:18:52.000 It works.

02:18:53.000 But it could be bad.

02:18:55.000 Tim, the whole trick to doing Tim is you say one thing and then say it could be bad.

02:18:58.000 Right, right, right.

02:18:58.000 You go the opposite way.

02:18:59.000 Bud Light, transgender. 0.97

02:19:00.000 Could be good.

02:19:01.000 Could be bad. 0.99

02:19:01.000 Yeah, this is what's stupid about the world today. 0.99

02:19:03.000 Our conversation about Bud Light and Dylan Mulvaney is going to make news. 0.99

02:19:09.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:19:09.000 The dumbest thing ever. 1.00

02:19:11.000 Uh-huh. 1.00

02:19:11.000 I'm on the side of everybody having a nice cold Bud Light. 1.00

02:19:15.000 Yeah, I'm not into Bud Light at all anyway.

02:19:18.000 Can I have that other one?

02:19:20.000 Yeah, you can have it.

02:19:20.000 Nice.

02:19:21.000 It's not my thing.

02:19:22.000 Thanks, man.

02:19:22.000 I get it.

02:19:23.000 People like a cold, bland drink.

02:19:26.000 Hey, Tongue, take the day off. 0.98

02:19:28.000 I like a Zima. 0.99

02:19:28.000 I'm on Bud Light. 0.99

02:19:29.000 I like a Zima. 0.99

02:19:29.000 Yeah, you like to test the metal of your mouth. 0.99

02:19:34.000 But I just, like, I think it's funny when people...

02:19:36.000 Oh, I saw a really funny one.

02:19:38.000 Somebody took Travis Tritt.

02:19:42.000 There's a photo of Travis Tritt, and it said, like, that Travis Tritt will no longer sell Anheuser-Busch because of Dylan Mulvaney.

02:19:49.000 Yeah.

02:19:50.000 And then it said, also, Travis Tritt, and he's basically wearing, like, the most feminine, like, country leather outfit, like a blue leather outfit.

02:20:00.000 Yeah.

02:20:01.000 Strings hanging down from it, like one of the most unmanly looking, like tight leather pants, high heels.

02:20:09.000 Yeah.

02:20:09.000 Let me see if you can find that.

02:20:11.000 Dude, we're so lucky we're comics because if we tried that shit, we would get lit up, dude. 0.99

02:20:15.000 For sure. 0.99

02:20:16.000 There's so many comics that keep me grounded.

02:20:18.000 It rules.

02:20:18.000 Oh, yeah.

02:20:19.000 Yeah, getting lit up is very important.

02:20:21.000 Yeah, the group chat.

02:20:21.000 No, that's not it, but that's one of them.

02:20:24.000 He was wearing that kind of shit. 1.00

02:20:27.000 Yeah, that's it right there. 1.00

02:20:28.000 But it said also Travis Tritt, and it showed this outfit.

02:20:32.000 Navajo grandma Travis Tritt.

02:20:34.000 Can you imagine if that guy came over and he was dating your daughter?

02:20:36.000 And it wasn't Travis Tritt.

02:20:37.000 It was Travis Tritt.

02:20:38.000 He gets a pass, obviously.

02:20:39.000 He's a superstar.

02:20:40.000 But if it wasn't Travis Tritt and this guy came over, it's like, where do you work, man?

02:20:45.000 Meineke.

02:20:46.000 What do you do that you have that outfit?

02:20:48.000 I still break pads. 1.00

02:20:49.000 You're going to fucking Chili's baby back ribs with that fucking outfit on? 1.00

02:20:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:20:52.000 What are you doing, buddy?

02:20:53.000 There it is.

02:20:54.000 That's the picture.

02:20:55.000 That's the picture.

02:20:56.000 He rules.

02:20:56.000 That's the picture.

02:20:56.000 This is also Travis Tritt.

02:20:58.000 Good for Travis.

02:20:59.000 Good for Travis.

02:21:00.000 Low cut shirt.

02:21:01.000 That guy's not into transgender stuff.

02:21:02.000 I don't know why.

02:21:03.000 He's been spending so much time in a salon.

02:21:05.000 That's exactly the point.

02:21:07.000 Yeah.

02:21:07.000 That's the point.

02:21:08.000 Maybe we hate what we fear we are.

02:21:12.000 It's like that Guns N' Roses song, Live and Let Die.

02:21:21.000 That's when I first came to LA, right after the Guns N' Roses scene had busted loose.

02:21:26.000 It was like 1994. That's when I first came to LA. It was so different than, man.

02:21:32.000 Such a weird place.

02:21:34.000 It was like this launching pad for dreams.

02:21:37.000 That's what it felt like when you got there.

02:21:39.000 Everyone was just there to pursue a dream.

02:21:41.000 There was like electricity in the air.

02:21:43.000 When you're in your 20s, And you're in LA and you're like, everyone's trying to make it.

02:21:48.000 People are trying to get on sitcoms.

02:21:50.000 Yeah.

02:21:50.000 Of course.

02:21:53.000 I'm 0 for 8 over here.

02:21:55.000 They're tightly, but they're nice.

02:21:56.000 They're a nice pull, but they're a little tight.

02:21:58.000 You see that picture going around with it, too?

02:22:00.000 Hell yeah. 0.98

02:22:01.000 So he was drinking Bud Light with a transgender person. 0.97

02:22:04.000 Yeah, in 2003. Hell yeah. 0.97

02:22:05.000 Well, he changed his views.

02:22:08.000 People change, Kid Rock.

02:22:09.000 He got a little tense.

02:22:11.000 I think when it became so prevalent, people start to panic.

02:22:15.000 That's what it is.

02:22:16.000 It's like, what is happening here?

02:22:18.000 What are we doing?

02:22:20.000 Why is it so prevalent?

02:22:22.000 People evolve.

02:22:23.000 Maybe people feel safer to come out and be themselves.

02:22:25.000 It could be that.

02:22:26.000 It could be that.

02:22:27.000 It could also be people just like people are easily influenced in any way.

02:22:33.000 People are influenced in a way that if there was something that came along, anything that came along, that gave you...

02:22:41.000 A sense of belonging to a group, and then a sense of being praised for that, and then a sense that you're in part of a new movement.

02:22:52.000 All those things are very attractive to people, no matter what it is.

02:22:55.000 If it involves religion, if it involves gender, if it involves whatever ideology.

02:23:01.000 If you all of a sudden can become a group, You're in a group.

02:23:04.000 You're praised for being a part of that group and praised for your decisions.

02:23:08.000 And you get all this attention now.

02:23:11.000 And you also get this feeling that you are on the right side and there's a righteous element to it.

02:23:19.000 This could be with anything.

02:23:20.000 And this is how, you know, people get sucked into all sorts of stuff.

02:23:25.000 And then there's also gender dysphoria, which is absolutely real.

02:23:29.000 100% real.

02:23:30.000 And it's a psychological condition that's existed forever.

02:23:33.000 They don't understand it because biology is strange.

02:23:36.000 And that's the reality of being a human being.

02:23:38.000 There's so much variation.

02:23:40.000 There's so many variables.

02:23:41.000 There's so many things that can go right.

02:23:42.000 There's so many things that go sideways.

02:23:43.000 So many things that are odd.

02:23:45.000 Or queer, as it were. 1.00

02:23:46.000 There's weird things. 0.94

02:23:48.000 You know, that's why, like, my number one beef with people that get, like, really religious is the gay stuff. 0.99

02:23:54.000 Like, what do you want them to do?

02:23:56.000 Are you or are you not pro-freedom?

02:23:59.000 Right.

02:23:59.000 Dude, freedom is the big thing.

02:24:01.000 Freedom's the big thing.

02:24:02.000 Pursuit of happiness. 1.00

02:24:03.000 I'm telling you, these guys are happy when they fuck guys. 1.00

02:24:05.000 Hell yeah, good for them. 1.00

02:24:06.000 I know a bunch of them.

02:24:08.000 They're all being honest.

02:24:09.000 They're happier than me.

02:24:10.000 They're doing great.

02:24:11.000 Again, go down Santa Monica Boulevard.

02:24:14.000 It's five blocks. 1.00

02:24:15.000 The guy's having a great fucking time. 0.99

02:24:16.000 Go to Tim Dillon's hotel room. 1.00

02:24:18.000 Don't.

02:24:19.000 Don't go to Tim.

02:24:20.000 Leave him alone.

02:24:22.000 Yeah, no, dude, I just think that it's really weird to be...

02:24:25.000 Some things you can't unsee.

02:24:25.000 Or unsmell.

02:24:31.000 There's just, like, people who are so obsessed with the idea of expressing themselves and they get mad at other people for doing the same thing because it weirds them out, dude.

02:24:38.000 You know what I think it is?

02:24:38.000 It's one of those things where if you buy into this side of the group, you have to adopt a bunch of different ideas.

02:24:45.000 And all those ideas, you can't be pro-life, but also think that we need to take away all the guns.

02:24:53.000 Oh, yeah.

02:24:53.000 No one's going to let you in their group.

02:24:55.000 No. 1.00

02:24:55.000 What side are you on, you crazy fuck? 1.00

02:24:57.000 You're a pro-life person who thinks that we should take everyone's guns. 1.00

02:25:02.000 Yeah.

02:25:03.000 No, no, no.

02:25:03.000 Pro-life is over there with the First Amendment.

02:25:06.000 You're carrying your mama with a gun. 0.97

02:25:08.000 Yeah.

02:25:09.000 You're on the wrong team.

02:25:10.000 Also pro-life, you never whoopsied in a girl in El Paso?

02:25:13.000 Whoopsies! 1.00

02:25:13.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

02:25:14.000 What are you talking about?

02:25:16.000 Yeah.

02:25:17.000 Well, the conversation about that that I've had with people, with religious people, particularly this one guy, was very weird because it was like his thought was at conception.

02:25:25.000 Oh, no.

02:25:26.000 So I was like, what if it's the day of?

02:25:28.000 What is the day of?

02:25:30.000 And you can just take something and then it just vanishes.

02:25:33.000 We're talking about like two cells.

02:25:34.000 Yeah.

02:25:35.000 Nope.

02:25:36.000 No, two wrongs don't make a right, even under rape. 1.00

02:25:39.000 They were talking about raping children being raped, and I was like, you're out of your fucking mind, man. 1.00

02:25:43.000 This is crazy talk. 1.00

02:25:44.000 Also, it's not pro-life or anti-life.

02:25:46.000 It's pro-choice, anti-choice.

02:25:47.000 That's the whole framework.

02:25:48.000 But if I was a conspiracy theorist, if I was a real tinfoil hat guy, I would say, if I wanted to keep everybody fighting against each other, My chess move would be conservatives, get rid of Roe v.

02:26:02.000 Wade. 0.99

02:26:03.000 Fucking arms in the streets. 0.99

02:26:06.000 And then liberals, let's start pushing the most radical ideas and try to make them mainstream. 0.99

02:26:16.000 The most radical ideas, like exorbitant taxes for the wealth, income inequality.

02:26:23.000 Ignore all the money the same side that's pumping into the military-industrial complex.

02:26:29.000 Ignore all the influence of the pharmaceutical companies.

02:26:32.000 Just concentrate on social ideas and push them and get wacky people in your cabinet. 0.99

02:26:37.000 Even if these people are totally incompetent, if you can say this is the most diverse cabinet that's ever been assembled, and that's what they do say, and then you got that fucking crazy dude with the beard who wears a dress who's non-binary, steals women's luggage, that fucking dude who's in the White House in charge of getting rid of nuclear waste or some shit. 0.99

02:26:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:26:55.000 Let's get a wig on that guy. 1.00

02:26:57.000 Fucking amazing, though, when stuff like that happens. 0.95

02:27:00.000 If I wanted to keep people divided and not pay attention to centralized digital currency, which Tulsi Gabbard's freaking out about now, that they're trying to do that. 0.97

02:27:10.000 If I wanted to keep people ignorant of that stuff, that's what I would do. 0.98

02:27:14.000 I would move the cultural chess pieces in a way that I have the loudest fringe people on this side and the loudest fringe people on that side so that all the people that generally agree on most stuff don't ever get along because they're either on this side or that side and that side is represented by a dude with a beard and a dress who steals women's luggage and this side is represented by that fucking lady who assaulted me in Aspen. 0.98

02:27:40.000 It's like, Trump's our real president. 0.97

02:27:41.000 I knew you were a patriot.

02:27:42.000 I'm like, oh no.

02:27:44.000 You don't want to be associated with these people.

02:27:46.000 You don't want to be associated with these people.

02:27:48.000 You don't want to be associated with anti-vaxxers.

02:27:51.000 And you don't want to be associated with, you know, whatever. 0.99

02:27:54.000 Fucking fill in the blank that this side hates. 0.99

02:27:56.000 There's no more but class war, dude. 0.99

02:27:59.000 But it's almost like it's engineered.

02:28:02.000 Oh, it is for sure.

02:28:02.000 They tried to use class war, and then people realized that, you know, money does move everything, so they saw through that.

02:28:08.000 Then they tried to use race against each other. 0.99

02:28:09.000 Race got together, so now it's ideologies, dude. 0.66

02:28:12.000 That's what they're doing. 0.95

02:28:13.000 Then they can do whatever they fucking want behind the curtain because our eyes have the wool pulled over so egregiously. 0.94

02:28:17.000 And then there's this beautiful component of climate change. 0.96

02:28:21.000 They throw that in there, too.

02:28:23.000 And this is one that people duke it out over.

02:28:25.000 The people on the right say, it's not that big of a deal, and it's a natural cycle, and it's this and that.

02:28:32.000 And most of these people, they're pumping out these narratives without even really paying attention to the facts.

02:28:37.000 And then there's other people that say, we're going to boil in 30 years.

02:28:39.000 The ocean's going to boil.

02:28:41.000 We're all going to die.

02:28:41.000 But the more time goes on, the more we look at this whole trend of the weather, the more it occurs to me, at least, that it's never been stable, ever, in the history of the world.

02:28:53.000 It's all fucking like this and that, and it goes ice age, and it gets crazy hot, and it goes cold again.

02:28:59.000 It's always done that. 0.97

02:29:00.000 It's not like if we don't do anything, it just stays stable.

02:29:03.000 So let's just say that right away. 0.98

02:29:06.000 Even if we didn't exist, this fucking thing is not stable, even if we did not exist. 0.98

02:29:10.000 So then the question is, how much do we affect it? 0.99

02:29:13.000 And we definitely affect it.

02:29:15.000 For sure.

02:29:15.000 There's no chance we don't.

02:29:17.000 We're pumping gas into the atmosphere.

02:29:20.000 It's having a warming effect.

02:29:22.000 Like, how bad is that warming effect?

02:29:23.000 That's what we need to know.

02:29:24.000 And what do we have to do to stop that warming effect, or at least slow down that warming effect?

02:29:29.000 That's what we need to know. 0.92

02:29:30.000 But all this fucking panic and hysteria, and you need to get rid of this and get rid of that, and we're going to go all electric. 1.00

02:29:35.000 Like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

02:29:37.000 What are you, pro-lithium mining in the Congo? 1.00

02:29:39.000 Is that where you are?

02:29:40.000 Are you pro-child slavery to get cobalt?

02:29:43.000 So where are you getting these batteries?

02:29:45.000 How are you getting 8 billion people to move around electric cars?

02:29:50.000 Where do you get those minerals?

02:29:52.000 You don't.

02:29:52.000 They literally don't exist.

02:29:54.000 No, there's not enough.

02:29:55.000 There's not enough. 0.94

02:29:55.000 But there's also no ethical consumption under capitalism and all that fucking Marxist stuff, you know, that's like true but also sounds trite at this point. 0.94

02:30:02.000 So it's like, I think that we'll be lucky if we make it to 100 years to see the seas boil without some kind of economic collapse crushing us so we're out there selling our holes for bullets in salt. 0.75

02:30:11.000 Well, I think we're going to have an economic collapse, but I don't think the whole world will.

02:30:15.000 I think what happens is just what always happens.

02:30:18.000 Don't we move the needle on the world, though?

02:30:18.000 For now, but what happens is what always happens.

02:30:21.000 A new empire takes over.

02:30:23.000 Sure, China. 1.00

02:30:24.000 China's using quantum computers to hack all of our fucking shit, dude. 1.00

02:30:28.000 They're saving all of our information to the point where they can get quantum computers, and then they can hack everyone's PIN codes and bank accounts and just steal all the money from America. 1.00

02:30:35.000 That's the big move.

02:30:37.000 Whoa.

02:30:37.000 Yeah.

02:30:38.000 So that's TikTok.

02:30:39.000 Well, that's part of it, dude.

02:30:40.000 TikTok's the Trojan horse.

02:30:42.000 Yeah.

02:30:43.000 Oh.

02:30:45.000 Uh-oh.

02:30:46.000 I gotta put my money in gold.

02:30:47.000 Yeah, dude, so what?

02:30:48.000 You know there's only enough...

02:30:49.000 Did you see this?

02:30:49.000 I saw this the other day.

02:30:50.000 The amount of gold in the world is so small.

02:30:54.000 It's crazy.

02:30:55.000 The amount of gold in the world is something like 75 feet square.

02:31:00.000 What?

02:31:01.000 Yeah.

02:31:01.000 I thought they had vaults full of it from floor to ceiling.

02:31:04.000 I thought so, too.

02:31:06.000 The actual amount of gold in the world, they said, was like the size of a cricket pitch.

02:31:11.000 What?

02:31:12.000 Something like that. 1.00

02:31:13.000 Is that bullshit? 1.00

02:31:14.000 No. 1.00

02:31:16.000 We gotta leave here and go get some gold.

02:31:18.000 It's volume.

02:31:18.000 It's not just gonna cover it.

02:31:19.000 Right.

02:31:20.000 Yeah, but I mean like the size, but 75 feet square.

02:31:23.000 That's like a solid brick.

02:31:24.000 That's like it's showing pictures of it on the Wimbledon Court.

02:31:27.000 Can you show me what it looked like on the Wimbledon Court?

02:31:31.000 It's It's towering.

02:31:33.000 But it's still not that much.

02:31:35.000 That's the whole world.

02:31:38.000 It's like half of a twin tower.

02:31:40.000 So it's 75 feet high, and how long is it?

02:31:44.000 It's using very strange ways.

02:31:46.000 What is it saying?

02:31:46.000 Metric tons.

02:31:47.000 Okay, so it's 208,874...

02:31:52.000 Tons of gold has been mined throughout history, of which around two-thirds have been mined since 1950. And since gold is virtually indestructible, this means almost all of this metal is still around in one form or another.

02:32:05.000 Wow.

02:32:06.000 But is owning gold going to help you when I'm, like, on a leash from a warlord, you know?

02:32:11.000 They're eating off my back.

02:32:12.000 Do you know the most fun conspiracy theory about gold?

02:32:15.000 No.

02:32:15.000 It's a really good one.

02:32:16.000 It's from the work of Zechariah Sitchin who is one of the guys who translated the ancient Sumerian texts and he believed that the human race is a product of accelerated evolution and that the Sumerian text depicts These god-like beings called the Anunnaki who come here from a planet called Nibiru that's on an elliptical orbit every 3,600 years comes between us and Mars and causes cataclysms because of the gravity and all the

02:32:46.000 chaos.

02:32:47.000 But that these beings came down here and inserted their DNA into lower primates and created this being. 0.79

02:32:54.000 And one of the reasons why it came here is because gold is very difficult to find in the universe.

02:33:01.000 Now, if that's the truth about the earth only has that much gold, imagine that one of the reasons why these beings gave us this desire to have gold, why gold was so popular always early on, and it was a useless metal.

02:33:14.000 So what if it was pretty?

02:33:15.000 How come you could buy a house with bags of gold?

02:33:18.000 Shouldn't you have steel for a sword or for arrowheads or something like that?

02:33:21.000 Well, anything would be more valuable.

02:33:23.000 Well, salt was very valuable.

02:33:24.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:33:24.000 But this is different because this is like a form of money.

02:33:27.000 Like, why has it universally been regarded as valuable, like, really early on?

02:33:32.000 And what he said was that they realized that they could take these suspended particles of gold and put them in their atmosphere, and it would protect them because their atmosphere was eroding.

02:33:45.000 And so this would be like a reflective, like reflective particles they spray in the atmosphere.

02:33:50.000 Like what Bill Gates wants to do where he blocks out the sun.

02:33:52.000 So this is what's crazy about this.

02:33:53.000 This guy wrote about this in like the 1970s.

02:33:55.000 He wrote this, what is it called?

02:33:57.000 The Twelfth Planet, I think.

02:33:59.000 That was the first of them.

02:34:00.000 I think he wrote multiple books on the Sumerian text.

02:34:04.000 But in, I think it was like the 1970s.

02:34:08.000 Or somewhere around then, they were having this sort of symposium on what to do in the sense of like ozone depletion and climate change.

02:34:17.000 Is there a way to suspend reflective particles in the atmosphere to block out some of the harmful rays of the sun?

02:34:24.000 So that was their idea.

02:34:25.000 So what this book is trying to say is the reason why humans are obsessed with gold is because like the aliens designed us to mine and get the gold.

02:34:35.000 And then they would use that gold to protect their atmosphere.

02:34:38.000 So they impregnated us with this idea that gold has value.

02:34:42.000 Yeah.

02:34:42.000 Because they need it to enhance their ability to keep living.

02:34:46.000 It's a fun idea.

02:34:47.000 It's very fun. 0.99

02:34:48.000 All that shit's fun. 1.00

02:34:48.000 If you're doing bong hits and you're watching documentaries. 1.00

02:34:51.000 High on hallucinogenic honey.

02:34:52.000 Yeah.

02:34:52.000 And you hear Joe Rogan saying it in your head.

02:34:55.000 It's cool when you see Zacharias Hitchin, too, because he's this very scholarly-looking guy.

02:35:03.000 We're good to go.

02:35:30.000 With this human-like creature on its lap, but the thing has a tail. 0.95

02:35:34.000 It's really weird.

02:35:35.000 It's really weird stuff.

02:35:36.000 And they also had a depiction of the entire solar system, all the planets in the solar system, and roughly the same size and roughly the same place.

02:35:45.000 So they had an idea of what planets were out there in 6,000 BC or whatever it was, 5,000 BC. That's fucking insane. 0.98

02:35:54.000 It doesn't make any sense, based on everything we know now. 1.00

02:35:56.000 It's fucking insane and it's wild to look at. 0.93

02:35:59.000 Like you see this clay tablet and it has what is like clearly the sun in the center. 0.99

02:36:04.000 Like look at this thing.

02:36:04.000 How wild is that?

02:36:06.000 Are the Anunnaki the albino ones? 1.00

02:36:08.000 Are those the albino aliens? 0.93

02:36:09.000 Um, I don't know that.

02:36:11.000 I don't know anything about that. 0.97

02:36:12.000 I'm only like familiar with the Chariots of the Gods type shit. 0.87

02:36:15.000 Yeah, Chariots of the Gods is interesting too. 0.95

02:36:17.000 I met that guy.

02:36:18.000 Really?

02:36:19.000 Yeah, Eric Von Daniken.

02:36:20.000 Yeah, I went to a lunch.

02:36:23.000 This very wealthy guy that I know is interested in this kind of stuff.

02:36:26.000 And I think one of his friends was as well.

02:36:30.000 And so they decided to have this guy come over.

02:36:32.000 And they said, you know, do you know anybody who knows a lot about this stuff?

02:36:36.000 And then my friend called me up and said, do you want to come and talk to...

02:36:39.000 Eric Von Daniken?

02:36:41.000 Yes.

02:36:41.000 I was like, yes.

02:36:42.000 This guy was asking him all these questions.

02:36:45.000 I think he's a true believer.

02:36:47.000 He's a true believer.

02:36:49.000 He's a true believer that all these things are created by aliens, whether it's the pyramids or all these other structures that are impossible to do today.

02:36:59.000 I'm a believer that all those structures are most likely the evidence of a super advanced civilization that existed that got wiped out by meteors.

02:37:09.000 And also that they conducted energy, right?

02:37:11.000 They did something different than we're doing.

02:37:12.000 No one really knows.

02:37:13.000 And they're all built along the same lines, right?

02:37:16.000 Like the NASDA lines?

02:37:17.000 Some of them are.

02:37:19.000 The NASDA lines is different.

02:37:21.000 That's in Peru.

02:37:23.000 That's really interesting stuff.

02:37:24.000 Because there's enormous things that are laid out on the sand.

02:37:29.000 Or on the ground that you can't see unless you're in the sky.

02:37:31.000 It's real weird.

02:37:32.000 And some of them look like landing strips.

02:37:34.000 It's like, what were they doing?

02:37:36.000 I had no idea.

02:37:37.000 Yeah, no one knows.

02:37:38.000 No.

02:37:38.000 I think most of that stuff that they keep finding, like the structures of Gobekli Tepe and all these other structures they find around the world, they don't really know where they came from.

02:37:47.000 I think a lot of that is probably evidence of some shit that existed a long time ago, and they got wiped out.

02:37:53.000 This served a purpose globally, too, though. 0.93

02:37:55.000 There had to be some kind of, like, mass communication to arrange those structures, right?

02:38:00.000 Well, at least in the people that were in that area.

02:38:02.000 What's interesting to me is the most spectacular ones all came from Africa.

02:38:06.000 And we know human beings all came from Africa.

02:38:08.000 And the most spectacular ever.

02:38:10.000 In the history of humanity, still exist in Egypt.

02:38:13.000 And they're like, you know, the very most recent they could be is like 4,500 years old, which is bananas.

02:38:23.000 Dude.

02:38:24.000 It's bananas.

02:38:24.000 It's like, what's going on down there?

02:38:26.000 Also, all those cities like the one in Peru that's built at like 12,000 feet or whatever. 0.98

02:38:32.000 How do you get the fucking stones up there, dude? 0.99

02:38:33.000 How the fuck did that happen? 1.00

02:38:35.000 I'm going down there with my dad in May. 0.99

02:38:37.000 The wackiest theory I heard was that that used to be at the base of water, and that everything out in front of that at one point in time, many, many, many, many thousands of years ago, was all water.

02:38:48.000 Yeah.

02:38:49.000 It was on a beach, effectively.

02:38:51.000 I don't know if that's been substantiated, or that might be just a wacky theory.

02:38:55.000 How did they do that? 0.96

02:38:56.000 They made them so they're all like kind of jigsaw pieces and they all slide right into each other and they're fucking enormous. 0.90

02:39:03.000 And they're perfectly fit together.

02:39:04.000 It's not just like random like fill in with mortar.

02:39:07.000 No.

02:39:07.000 These guys are artists and engineers and wizards.

02:39:11.000 Like how the fuck did they do that? 0.97

02:39:12.000 It's crazy to be a mason and also be able to design some kind of structure that can communicate and or create energy. 0.99

02:39:20.000 To empower people who live almost two miles high. 0.99

02:39:23.000 That shit's beyond any kind of fathoming that I can do. 0.97

02:39:26.000 Well, what's really weird is that a lot of them have these structures that are designed in mirror of the cosmos, too. 0.99

02:39:33.000 So they're very aware of all the stars in the sky and all the constellations, and they put a lot of it in their design.

02:39:42.000 They did it in Mexico.

02:39:43.000 The Aztecs did it.

02:39:44.000 The Mayans did it.

02:39:46.000 It's...

02:39:47.000 Just imagine. 0.99

02:39:48.000 If there was one time I could go back and see what the fuck was life like, I think it would be ancient Egypt. 0.97

02:39:53.000 What were you guys doing? 0.99

02:39:55.000 How the fuck did you do this? 0.99

02:39:57.000 What was life like? 0.99

02:40:00.000 What kind of people were around back then?

02:40:02.000 We have some bodies, but the body's a lot...

02:40:05.000 Do you know that Cleopatra... 1.00

02:40:07.000 She lived closer to the invention of the iPhone than she did to the construction of the pyramids.

02:40:15.000 No.

02:40:15.000 Yeah.

02:40:16.000 No.

02:40:17.000 Cleopatra was not that long ago.

02:40:19.000 Whoa.

02:40:19.000 When was she around?

02:40:20.000 I think a couple thousand years ago. 0.99

02:40:22.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:40:23.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:40:25.000 What time was Cleopatra around?

02:40:27.000 Died somewhere in the range of 50 to 30 B.C.? Yeah, so a little less than 2,000 years ago.

02:40:36.000 Yeah.

02:40:37.000 And then the pyramids were 2,500 years at least before that. 1.00

02:40:41.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

02:40:42.000 And maybe more. 1.00

02:40:43.000 What about the Maoris? 0.99

02:40:45.000 Those dudes who navigated all the way to Hawaii in fucking kayaks by the stars? 1.00

02:40:49.000 Fucking kayaks. 1.00

02:40:50.000 I'd go back there. 1.00

02:40:51.000 I'd see what those boys were up to. 1.00

02:40:53.000 Hardcore shit, dude. 1.00

02:40:54.000 You just launch off of your island, and you're like, fingers crossed, we're going to find some other shit out there. 1.00

02:40:58.000 Fingers crossed you're going to caught a hurricane. 0.98

02:40:59.000 Or they knew. 1.00

02:41:00.000 Or someone told them there was shit out there. 1.00

02:41:02.000 That's what I'm talking about. 0.99

02:41:04.000 Well, I bet they went on fishing voyages and I bet they just kept going further and further out.

02:41:09.000 Really?

02:41:10.000 If you do it over time and you figure out how to get back, they probably just...

02:41:13.000 I don't think they did it all in one crazy trip.

02:41:15.000 No, but I think that they had expeditions that they would probably report back from lesser islands, come back and be like, now we have set up over here.

02:41:23.000 Right, because you probably didn't even know where the islands were.

02:41:25.000 No.

02:41:25.000 Your fingers crossed you're going to find land.

02:41:27.000 Imagine finding Hawaii.

02:41:29.000 Yeah.

02:41:29.000 Imagine.

02:41:30.000 You're out there in the middle of the ocean like, dude, I think we're fucked. 1.00

02:41:34.000 We're gonna die out here. 0.97

02:41:35.000 I think we're only in the middle, so we don't have any more water.

02:41:38.000 All we have is coconut milk. 0.99

02:41:40.000 And then all of a sudden you look and you see waterfalls and shit. 0.99

02:41:44.000 No wonder why they're so happy. 0.99

02:41:46.000 They're stoked.

02:41:47.000 Yeah.

02:41:47.000 It's like always been a vacation spot.

02:41:49.000 Yeah.

02:41:49.000 And also I understand why they defended it so hard.

02:41:51.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:41:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:41:52.000 It's like your rights to be mad at the Dole Corporation, you know? 1.00

02:41:55.000 Well, it's also weird that that's, I mean, I think it deserves all the protection of America.

02:42:00.000 Don't get me wrong.

02:42:00.000 But it's weird that Hawaii is in its own country because it's five hours in a plane over the ocean.

02:42:07.000 Yeah.

02:42:07.000 You're pretty much in Japan.

02:42:08.000 You're in the middle.

02:42:09.000 Yeah.

02:42:10.000 Really, I think it's the most remote place you can travel to.

02:42:14.000 The most remote large city is Honolulu.

02:42:17.000 There's a million people in Honolulu.

02:42:19.000 For sure, yeah.

02:42:20.000 Most of them are Japanese.

02:42:23.000 Really?

02:42:23.000 Hell yeah, dude.

02:42:24.000 That city is built on the Japanese way of life.

02:42:27.000 That's why they're so efficient.

02:42:28.000 And the buses in Honolulu are always on time. 0.99

02:42:32.000 No shit. 0.99

02:42:33.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:42:33.000 And that food they have out there... 0.99

02:42:35.000 I get it.

02:42:36.000 I get why they're furious that they've been ruined by American capitalism.

02:42:40.000 By people with Hawaiian shirts?

02:42:42.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.96

02:42:43.000 Big fat guys like me out there just ruining their sunsets with my weird nude body. 0.99

02:42:48.000 Just drinking and getting drunk and wanting it. 1.00

02:42:50.000 Where's the fucking luau, bro? 1.00

02:42:53.000 Why is there gravy on your hamburgers? 1.00

02:42:57.000 They do have gravy on their hamburgers.

02:42:58.000 Moca Loco.

02:42:59.000 That's right, Moca Loco.

02:43:00.000 Yeah.

02:43:01.000 Yeah.

02:43:01.000 It's just like guys like me chugging those, having a bunch of Bud Lights, going down to the water.

02:43:07.000 Hunting wild pigs.

02:43:08.000 Oh, dude.

02:43:09.000 How about those dudes who hunt?

02:43:11.000 They have their dogs wearing boar vests?

02:43:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:43:14.000 Do you know about that shit? 1.00

02:43:15.000 Of course you know about that shit. 1.00

02:43:16.000 Yeah, I know about that shit. 1.00

02:43:17.000 That's wild. 1.00

02:43:17.000 Down in Arkansas? 1.00

02:43:19.000 They do it in Hawaii, too, buddy.

02:43:20.000 Yeah?

02:43:21.000 Yeah, the dogs hold the boar down and they stab it.

02:43:24.000 I'm glad those dogs haven't got meat.

02:43:26.000 Yeah, that's a rough way to do it, man.

02:43:28.000 Yeah, savaged by dogs. 0.99

02:43:29.000 Yeah, but the thing is, it's like with a lot of those pigs, you can't get to them. 0.96

02:43:33.000 Like, they're really smart, they smell you, and they take off a million miles away. 0.52

02:43:38.000 And, like, the winds in Hawaii swirl all over the place.

02:43:41.000 It's very difficult for a person to, like, do anything about invasive species without some help. 0.96

02:43:47.000 Pigs are so smart. 1.00

02:43:49.000 That's why they use dogs. 1.00

02:43:50.000 Yeah.

02:43:50.000 It's because of the terrain, for the most part.

02:43:52.000 It's rough, man.

02:43:53.000 The dogs, like, clamp down on—they use pit bulls.

02:43:57.000 And the pit bulls clamp down on the boars and hold them in place. 0.99

02:44:02.000 And they get fucked up by those boars, too. 1.00

02:44:04.000 Oh, they get fucked up. 1.00

02:44:04.000 They get fucked up bad. 1.00

02:44:05.000 I mean, I'll show you a boar that I shot in California. 0.99

02:44:08.000 I have a little scar out here.

02:44:09.000 All right. 0.99

02:44:10.000 Because the teeth are fucking bizarre, man. 0.99

02:44:13.000 They're these crazy choppers that come out this far, almost halfway up his face, and they sharpen each other as they close. 0.99

02:44:20.000 No!

02:44:21.000 Yeah.

02:44:21.000 Oh, no.

02:44:22.000 That's another animal.

02:44:24.000 That's javelina. 0.99

02:44:26.000 Oh, yeah.

02:44:26.000 Javelinas, their teeth sharpen each other as they close.

02:44:29.000 Javelinas have crazy sharp teeth. 1.00

02:44:31.000 So throughout their life, they're just constantly getting more and more honed?

02:44:33.000 Well, it just keeps it sharp.

02:44:36.000 Wow.

02:44:36.000 I don't have it here, but I have one that I shot and I turned into chorizo.

02:44:41.000 And when you run your finger across the blade of its skull, it's like, whoa.

02:44:48.000 The blade that comes out of the bottom teeth, that's what they look like.

02:44:51.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:44:51.000 So they close and they actually sharpen each other. 0.71

02:44:55.000 They scissor. 1.00

02:44:56.000 The bottom ones are fucking crazy. 1.00

02:44:58.000 Look at that. 1.00

02:44:59.000 That would destroy your leg. 0.76

02:45:00.000 That's what it looks like.

02:45:02.000 See that picture of it with its mouth open?

02:45:03.000 That's what it looks like.

02:45:04.000 Go to the one that's actually alive. 0.99

02:45:06.000 Look at that rat pig. 0.99

02:45:07.000 That's fake. 1.00

02:45:08.000 That's a real one.

02:45:09.000 When they do a mount like that, that's not their real teeth or their real tongue.

02:45:13.000 That looks like a little pig bear. 0.96

02:45:15.000 I know.

02:45:15.000 It's not even a pig.

02:45:16.000 It's a cousin of a pig. 0.96

02:45:18.000 It's called a peccary. 0.97

02:45:19.000 Oh, it's a peccary.

02:45:19.000 It's a different kind of animal.

02:45:20.000 They're all over like Oklahoma on the side of the road. 0.58

02:45:23.000 You can eat them.

02:45:24.000 They taste good.

02:45:25.000 If you prepare them correctly, I made chorizo and eggs the other day. 1.00

02:45:29.000 I'd eat that shit easy. 1.00

02:45:32.000 They scream. 1.00

02:45:33.000 Look how aerodynamic it is.

02:45:36.000 Look at them go.

02:45:37.000 It looks regal.

02:45:39.000 That's me in the water.

02:45:40.000 They make crazy little demon noises.

02:45:43.000 I was pig hunting once, and we were walking down this dirt trail, and there was this really high grass to the right of us.

02:45:52.000 And inside the high grass...

02:45:54.000 Yeah, that's the noises they make.

02:45:55.000 Going after that pumpkin.

02:45:56.000 Listen to the noises.

02:45:59.000 Get along, boys.

02:46:01.000 Bro, I mean, they sound like little demons.

02:46:02.000 Yeah.

02:46:03.000 They're mean.

02:46:04.000 They won't share.

02:46:05.000 That pumpkin.

02:46:07.000 But we were walking down this trail, and to the right of us was this high grass, and inside were wild pigs, and we were fighting. 1.00

02:46:14.000 And dude, it sounded like demon shit. 0.99

02:46:16.000 It sounded like Lord of the Rings stuff. 0.99

02:46:18.000 It's like...

02:46:22.000 I was like, Jesus Christ.

02:46:23.000 It's like Mordor.

02:46:24.000 If we were hunting demons, and that's just what they looked like, it'd be terrifying. 0.99

02:46:30.000 Hearing that noise coming out of the grass, I was like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:46:33.000 They will charge you, too. 1.00

02:46:35.000 That's what's scary about wild pigs. 1.00

02:46:37.000 They'll fucking go after you. 1.00

02:46:38.000 Don't pigs turn feral like within two weeks or something crazy? 1.00

02:46:42.000 I think it's like they start to morph within five or six weeks.

02:46:46.000 Yeah, they grow tusks like real quick within a year.

02:46:48.000 Well, they're face elongates.

02:46:50.000 Yeah.

02:46:51.000 That's like, this was all explained to me by Steve Rinella.

02:46:53.000 He was the guy actually that I was pig hunting with when we heard him in the grass like demons.

02:46:57.000 It was the craziest noise, dude.

02:46:59.000 So he said that this one species, you know, people say wild boars and wild, it's all one species.

02:47:04.000 It's called sous scroffa.

02:47:06.000 And they're all, like, interchangeable.

02:47:08.000 They just selectly breed them for different things, but it's one species, which is nuts.

02:47:13.000 So, like, when, like, a domestic pig gets out, like, some of these pigs, like, you ever heard of Hogzilla?

02:47:19.000 Yeah.

02:47:19.000 Hogzilla is this giant wild boar they caught.

02:47:22.000 He said that's most likely that was a domestic pig that somebody fattened up and got real enormous, and then it broke out, and it just made its way to the woods.

02:47:30.000 So your classic pink pig became Hogzilla.

02:47:33.000 Mm-hmm.

02:47:34.000 Hair changes, it gets thicker and darker, and they just look totally different.

02:47:40.000 Nature.

02:47:40.000 It's wild, dude, because they're like gremlins.

02:47:44.000 They're like the gremlins and they feed them after midnight. 0.74

02:47:46.000 That's what happens to the pigs. 1.00

02:47:47.000 They're like, we're cool as long as you feed us and keep us in a fucking barn. 1.00

02:47:51.000 Keep us fat and happy. 0.99

02:47:51.000 Yeah, keep us in this contained, fenced area. 0.99

02:47:55.000 We're good.

02:47:55.000 That's like the majority of Americans.

02:47:57.000 And then as soon as, like, you can't get food anymore, they're going to turn and start eating each other.

02:48:01.000 That's what it is. 1.00

02:48:02.000 We're going to be fucking eating each other's kids and shit. 1.00

02:48:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:48:06.000 The Last of Us.

02:48:07.000 I don't think I'll do well in that situation.

02:48:09.000 You might rise to the occasion, buddy.

02:48:11.000 Dude, I'm trying.

02:48:12.000 I think you might.

02:48:13.000 Comedians will be the first against the wall, and they'll use my back for leather for their chariots. 0.75

02:48:17.000 But my wife's a doctor, so she's going to be very valuable.

02:48:21.000 They're going to want her.

02:48:22.000 I'll just be like an ox.

02:48:24.000 I'll have a yoke in my mouth pulling the carts. 0.98

02:48:26.000 Maybe your football and wrestling experience could come in handy. 0.99

02:48:29.000 Oh, I would easily, I would fucking eat someone real quick, dude. 0.99

02:48:33.000 How quick? 0.99

02:48:33.000 Easy. 0.99

02:48:34.000 As soon as I need to.

02:48:35.000 Power goes out for two months.

02:48:36.000 Two months?

02:48:37.000 Four and a half days.

02:48:38.000 Four and a half days later.

02:48:39.000 I'm going next door with my Mossberg.

02:48:40.000 Being like, what do you got in here?

02:48:42.000 Who's ripe? 0.51

02:48:43.000 Hand it over.

02:48:43.000 I have no problem with cannibalism for some reason.

02:48:46.000 Would you want to kill and eat the people that were a problem first? 0.95

02:48:49.000 Just like clean up society, Dexter style? 0.99

02:48:51.000 No, I'm still lazy.

02:48:52.000 It'd be proximity.

02:48:54.000 It would be whatever was in my grasp.

02:48:56.000 I bet you wouldn't be lazy.

02:48:58.000 You'd probably lose a lot of weight.

02:48:59.000 Your joints would feel better.

02:49:00.000 Oh, yeah.

02:49:00.000 Because you wouldn't be doing whatever you're doing now.

02:49:03.000 You'd be trying to find food.

02:49:05.000 Whatever I'm doing now.

02:49:05.000 So you would also only be drinking water because that's probably all that's available.

02:49:10.000 Uh-huh.

02:49:10.000 Once everybody cleans out all the warehouses of soda, this is going to be a few people that hoard soda.

02:49:16.000 It'll be a thing.

02:49:17.000 You bust it open for special occasions.

02:49:19.000 Hey, I got a bottle of Dr. Pepper in the basement.

02:49:22.000 I got some vintage Surge over here. 1.00

02:49:24.000 Yeah, they'll bust out a fucking Pepsi. 1.00

02:49:27.000 He's got Pepsi. 1.00

02:49:28.000 He's still got bubbles?

02:49:29.000 Yeah.

02:49:29.000 It'd be a can this big.

02:49:31.000 It'd be like eight glasses.

02:49:32.000 Yeah, this is amazing.

02:49:34.000 It'd be sacrament at that point.

02:49:35.000 Right.

02:49:36.000 Yeah.

02:49:36.000 That would be what would happen.

02:49:38.000 Pepsi would become our sacred beverage that we would drink on weddings and, you know.

02:49:42.000 If you were super rich.

02:49:44.000 We'd crown a new king.

02:49:44.000 RC Cola.

02:49:45.000 Ooh.

02:49:45.000 That's how you know you made it in the apocalypse.

02:49:47.000 No, Jones.

02:49:48.000 Like Jones.

02:49:49.000 Jones is good.

02:49:50.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

02:49:51.000 Real sugar.

02:49:52.000 If you have a case.

02:49:52.000 Ooh.

02:49:53.000 If you have a case of like some fucking. 1.00

02:49:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:49:55.000 Some artisan soda.

02:49:57.000 Yeah.

02:49:58.000 It's like we're watching this show Yellow Jackets, me and my wife, and they're all like upset about having to eat one of their friends. 0.99

02:50:03.000 I don't give a shit. 0.99

02:50:04.000 What is Yellow Jackets? 1.00

02:50:04.000 They eat their friends? 1.00

02:50:05.000 There's a bunch of girls who got like a- You haven't said that so easily. 0.66

02:50:07.000 Well, yeah.

02:50:10.000 It's fictional.

02:50:12.000 It's not a documentary.

02:50:13.000 But these girls get like trapped in the woods on like a- they're on like a soccer team or whatever and their plane goes down and they have to eat one of the girls after she dies. 1.00

02:50:21.000 It's like she's already dead.

02:50:22.000 Yeah, if she's already dead, it's not that big of a deal. 0.99

02:50:24.000 Munch her. 0.91

02:50:24.000 But here's the issue with eating someone after they died. 0.91

02:50:26.000 If they starve, they don't have any nutrients in their body.

02:50:29.000 Is that true?

02:50:29.000 So eating them, yeah.

02:50:30.000 Like, they've already leeched all the nutrients out to go to their liver and heart.

02:50:33.000 What's that?

02:50:34.000 What are you hearing this?

02:50:34.000 Like, shipwreck books.

02:50:35.000 Really?

02:50:36.000 Yeah.

02:50:36.000 I've read a lot of books about, like, shipwrecks.

02:50:39.000 So their meat won't have vitamins?

02:50:40.000 It's not valuable.

02:50:42.000 Yeah.

02:50:42.000 It's not valuable if they're starving to death?

02:50:44.000 Yeah, because they've, like, used all of their nutrients to keep their organs alive.

02:50:48.000 Yeah.

02:50:48.000 Huh.

02:50:49.000 Yeah, so it's like eating styrofoam at that point.

02:50:51.000 That makes sense, because if you eat healthy things, it's probably healthier.

02:50:54.000 Yeah.

02:50:55.000 That's why Wild Game's so good for you.

02:50:56.000 Right, yeah.

02:50:56.000 That makes sense.

02:50:57.000 Like eating Elkhart rules, compared to eating just like a guy who died in the hospital.

02:51:02.000 That guy who got, hmm, cannibalism.

02:51:04.000 It's perfectly natural, a new scientific history argues.

02:51:07.000 Okay, whatever.

02:51:10.000 That's what they're trying to normalize next, after they normalized the Dalai Lama?

02:51:13.000 Where do these libs end? 1.00

02:51:15.000 Is that what they're doing? 1.00

02:51:16.000 Fucking cannibalism? 1.00

02:51:17.000 First, you want to indoctrinate my kids. 1.00

02:51:19.000 Suck on my tongue. 0.99

02:51:20.000 Then you want minor, what is it, minor attracted people? 0.99

02:51:23.000 Yeah, dude.

02:51:24.000 They tried that one for a little while. 1.00

02:51:25.000 Fuck that shit, dude. 1.00

02:51:26.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

02:51:27.000 Get out of here. 1.00

02:51:28.000 I'm eating your ass first. 1.00

02:51:30.000 100%. 1.00

02:51:30.000 Dude. 1.00

02:51:31.000 Yeah, get them while the nutrients are hot. 0.68

02:51:33.000 Yeah.

02:51:34.000 Oh, give me that. 0.99

02:51:34.000 Give me that pedo meat. 0.99

02:51:35.000 Minor attracted people. 1.00

02:51:37.000 What the fuck are you saying? 1.00

02:51:38.000 Fuck you, dude. 1.00

02:51:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:51:39.000 I haven't heard of the medicinal cannibalism.

02:51:42.000 What?

02:51:44.000 I hadn't heard of the medicinal cannibalism you described in Europe, starting with the ancient Greek physician Galen of Pergamon, and continued to the 20th century.

02:51:54.000 That was one thing that really surprised me.

02:51:56.000 What?

02:51:57.000 I told you they used to eat skulls.

02:51:59.000 Yeah, they used to have mummy unwrappings at fancy parties. 1.00

02:52:05.000 So if you went to Tim Dillon's house, hey, I'm having a mummy unwrapping! 0.95

02:52:09.000 Come by!

02:52:10.000 I'm gonna wear a Rolex!

02:52:12.000 On both wrists!

02:52:14.000 I'm gonna have a headband.

02:52:15.000 It's a Rolex. 0.96

02:52:16.000 And he's gonna fucking unwrap mummies and you take a scoop full and put it in your tea. 1.00

02:52:20.000 That was like Great Gatsby shit, right? 1.00

02:52:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:52:22.000 The Gilded Age.

02:52:23.000 Yeah.

02:52:24.000 I love that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio.

02:52:26.000 He's the man.

02:52:26.000 I love the fake car.

02:52:28.000 Yeah.

02:52:28.000 A car that didn't really exist.

02:52:30.000 Like, there was no car that drove that well.

02:52:32.000 I never realized that. 1.00

02:52:33.000 Those cars were shit. 1.00

02:52:34.000 Huh. 1.00

02:52:34.000 That movie, The Great Gatsby? 1.00

02:52:36.000 Yeah.

02:52:36.000 That car that he has is like a resto mod.

02:52:38.000 It's like a modern version of an old car. 1.00

02:52:41.000 The thing was the shit. 1.00

02:52:42.000 Whoa. 1.00

02:52:43.000 I remember watching that thing going, that is so much better than any car that existed back then.

02:52:46.000 Like, what is that thing supposed to be?

02:52:48.000 Huh.

02:52:48.000 Like, that thing, when he drove it around, that thing is amazing.

02:52:53.000 Look at that hat.

02:52:53.000 Like, the way that thing drove in that movie is, like, literally impossible for one of those things.

02:52:58.000 Those things were dog shit. 1.00

02:53:02.000 The Great Gatsby. 1.00

02:53:03.000 Older one.

02:53:03.000 That's an older one.

02:53:04.000 Those white wall tires.

02:53:05.000 See, that's a real one.

02:53:06.000 But let me tell you something. 1.00

02:53:07.000 If you drove that, it drives like dog shit. 0.99

02:53:10.000 But now look at his. 0.99

02:53:11.000 Look at Leonardo DiCaprio one. 1.00

02:53:13.000 Look at that thing with the fucking pipes and all that shit. 1.00

02:53:15.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:53:16.000 See all that fucking wild action inside the engine compartment? 0.99

02:53:20.000 That's all fake. 0.99

02:53:21.000 That didn't exist back then.

02:53:23.000 If it did, I'd have one. 0.99

02:53:24.000 I'd be like, I need that fucking thing in my life. 0.99

02:53:26.000 That thing is awesome. 0.99

02:53:28.000 I love old cars, but I don't... 1.00

02:53:30.000 See, those things drive like dog shit. 1.00

02:53:33.000 That's the problem. 1.00

02:53:34.000 I like when a car looks like a snub-nosed pistol.

02:53:36.000 That looks pretty dope. 0.97

02:53:37.000 That's sick. 0.82

02:53:38.000 That looks pretty dope.

02:53:39.000 But it's like those cars...

02:53:40.000 Like the one Leonardo DiCaprio had, if you watch...

02:53:42.000 See if you can find him driving in the movie.

02:53:44.000 It behaves in a way that no car from that era can.

02:53:47.000 It moves like a modern car.

02:53:50.000 It moves fast, and it's like...

02:53:52.000 It handles, and it's like...

02:53:53.000 No.

02:53:54.000 No, no, no, no.

02:53:56.000 See if you can find like some video of him driving.

02:53:59.000 Him and Toby.

02:54:00.000 It's beautiful looking though, man. 1.00

02:54:02.000 They're on the way to get some pussy. 1.00

02:54:05.000 Look at Toby. 1.00

02:54:10.000 See how it's cornering and shit, all that? 0.98

02:54:12.000 Like, not gonna happen. 1.00

02:54:14.000 You're dead. 0.54

02:54:16.000 That thing's spinning out. 0.67

02:54:17.000 90% of its weight's in the front.

02:54:19.000 It's got zero horsepower. 0.99

02:54:21.000 What does that fucking thing have for horsepower? 0.99

02:54:23.000 Like, go back to one of them old ones and tell me what they have. 0.99

02:54:26.000 That old yellow one that looked like it.

02:54:28.000 See what horsepower it had.

02:54:30.000 I'mma guess.

02:54:30.000 I bet it had 100 horsepower.

02:54:33.000 Let's guess 100. I'll take the under.

02:54:35.000 Yeah, it's got to be under.

02:54:36.000 It's probably under.

02:54:38.000 Yeah, I'm probably way overestimating.

02:54:40.000 Well, so...

02:54:42.000 Oh, that's not the right one.

02:54:43.000 Okay.

02:54:43.000 Thank God.

02:54:44.000 What year was it?

02:54:46.000 1928. Whoa.

02:54:48.000 Okay, I'm under now.

02:54:49.000 I'm under 100. Maybe 95. 95 horsepower.

02:54:54.000 It's crazy he wrote that book and at the same time Sherwood Anderson was writing like Winesburg, Ohio about people eating dirt.

02:55:01.000 It's like these were two parallel thinking in like the modern novel at that point.

02:55:06.000 It was nuts, man.

02:55:07.000 Well, that's happening right now, right?

02:55:09.000 Oh, in Haiti they're eating dirt all the time. 1.00

02:55:11.000 I mean you have people in some parts of the world that are essentially starving to death and drinking out of puddles.

02:55:15.000 Right, for sure.

02:55:16.000 And then you have succession.

02:55:17.000 Right, yeah.

02:55:17.000 You know?

02:55:18.000 Don't spoil it.

02:55:19.000 I'm not spoiling it.

02:55:19.000 Alright.

02:55:20.000 It's great though.

02:55:21.000 I know. 1.00

02:55:21.000 But you know you have like these fucking spoiled rich kids and their crazy dad and people get excited about it. 1.00

02:55:27.000 20 horsepower. 1.00

02:55:28.000 20!

02:55:29.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

02:55:30.000 Let me tell you something.

02:55:31.000 In 20 horsepower, you're not doing any of that fishtailing.

02:55:33.000 You're not doing any of that driving real fast. 1.00

02:55:35.000 Like all that stuff, that thing is slow as fuck. 0.96

02:55:38.000 I feel like between the two of us, we have 10 horsepower. 0.99

02:55:40.000 At least.

02:55:40.000 Yeah.

02:55:41.000 At least 10 bitch ass horses. 1.00

02:55:42.000 Hell yeah, dude. 1.00

02:55:44.000 Little miniature ponies.

02:55:46.000 No, we probably don't even have a horsepower.

02:55:48.000 Maybe.

02:55:49.000 No.

02:55:49.000 No way, man.

02:55:50.000 We can pull.

02:55:51.000 No, no, no.

02:55:51.000 I'll be pulling.

02:55:52.000 Horses carry people for days.

02:55:55.000 I've given some long piggyback rides. 1.00

02:55:57.000 Bitch-ass engine. 1.00

02:55:59.000 Whoa. 0.99

02:56:00.000 1923, the Merlin 23. It says 1,200 horsepower, it says.

02:56:04.000 What?

02:56:05.000 It's a V12. No.

02:56:07.000 That's what it says.

02:56:07.000 Maybe that's augmented.

02:56:08.000 That's why I was taking my time.

02:56:10.000 But is that an engine for a plane?

02:56:11.000 I was about to say it might not be for a car.

02:56:13.000 Is that for a plane?

02:56:14.000 Probably.

02:56:15.000 That's crazy.

02:56:16.000 That's probably huge, right?

02:56:19.000 Yeah, aero engine.

02:56:20.000 Yeah, it's in marine variants, Jamie.

02:56:22.000 Yeah, yeah, okay.

02:56:24.000 So that's a marine engine?

02:56:25.000 Oh, they probably make like crazy yacht engines too.

02:56:28.000 Yeah, the first one I found was bringing this up, a 28 million dollar yacht inspired Rolls Royce that had like 500 horsepower.

02:56:35.000 What?

02:56:36.000 The Rolls Royce is 28 million dollars? 1.00

02:56:39.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:56:40.000 Did Jay-Z buy one? 1.00

02:56:41.000 Of course he did.

02:56:42.000 I'd buy one if I was Jay-Z too.

02:56:44.000 You kind of have to have one if you're Jay-Z. It's part of the package.

02:56:46.000 You got a stunt.

02:56:47.000 You got to have a $2 million Richard Millet watch.

02:56:51.000 What are those called?

02:56:53.000 Richard Millet.

02:56:54.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:56:55.000 You can have Beyonce pushing around on like a 2007 Impala.

02:56:58.000 Exactly.

02:57:00.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

02:57:04.000 It's pretty, but it's not $20 million pretty.

02:57:07.000 I get it.

02:57:09.000 That's pretty sick though.

02:57:11.000 The boat tail has echoes of something that went away.

02:57:14.000 Look at that.

02:57:15.000 Two door.

02:57:16.000 Removable roof.

02:57:18.000 Removable roof. 1.00

02:57:19.000 Look at that shit. 1.00

02:57:20.000 Oh, the deck lid splits in two. 1.00

02:57:21.000 That's pretty sick.

02:57:22.000 Reveals an alabic picnic camper.

02:57:24.000 What?

02:57:25.000 What?

02:57:26.000 What?

02:57:27.000 Look at this. 1.00

02:57:28.000 There's fucking glasses and champagne and shit in the back. 1.00

02:57:30.000 It pops open. 1.00

02:57:31.000 That's what people want.

02:57:32.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:57:34.000 What a piece of shit you'd have to be to get that car. 1.00

02:57:36.000 You pull up to that? 1.00

02:57:37.000 And drive to a picnic.

02:57:37.000 Oh my god.

02:57:38.000 The only car on Podcast Island is this.

02:57:40.000 Yes, our only car on Podcast Island. 0.99

02:57:42.000 But that's half the cost of the fucking island. 0.99

02:57:44.000 That's what's crazy. 0.99

02:57:45.000 Yeah, the island's like $40 million.

02:57:46.000 Oh, you got that lying around?

02:57:48.000 That's what we're thinking.

02:57:48.000 Yeah.

02:57:49.000 Get that island, dude.

02:57:50.000 I think I should make that Podcast Island.

02:57:51.000 That would be a hilarious goof. 1.00

02:57:53.000 It would be a hilarious goof. 0.98

02:57:55.000 Get recorded there only.

02:57:56.000 What's that?

02:57:57.000 Protect our island.

02:57:58.000 Yeah.

02:57:58.000 Yeah, we only do protect our parks there.

02:58:00.000 We're here to protect this island.

02:58:02.000 We're here to be taken over by the bankers. 0.99

02:58:05.000 We decided to claim it for shit-talking. 0.99

02:58:11.000 Well, alright. 0.99

02:58:12.000 Sam, I think we did at least three hours, right?

02:58:15.000 Yeah, man.

02:58:15.000 How many did we do?

02:58:16.000 Three.

02:58:18.000 Tell everybody your Instagram and all that jazz, your social media.

02:58:21.000 My Instagram is at samtalent.

02:58:24.000 T-A-L-L-E-N-T. Is that your real name?

02:58:26.000 Yeah.

02:58:26.000 Really?

02:58:26.000 Yeah.

02:58:27.000 What are the odds?

02:58:28.000 Why would I have chosen talent and spelt it wrong?

02:58:30.000 Because you're talented.

02:58:32.000 Right.

02:58:32.000 And it's like it's better though.

02:58:33.000 It looks like fake.

02:58:34.000 T-A-L-L-E-N-T. Maybe regular Sam Talent was already taken.

02:58:37.000 Yeah, that's me right there, man.

02:58:39.000 Yeah.

02:58:39.000 Buy my book.

02:58:40.000 If you had like Sam Talent 69, that's what I would think happened.

02:58:42.000 Yeah, 420 Sam Talent.

02:58:45.000 Read the novel, Running the Lights, right here.

02:58:48.000 Buy it off my website, by the way. 1.00

02:58:50.000 Fuck Amazon. 0.99

02:58:51.000 Buy it off samtalent.com and I'll give you a signed copy. 1.00

02:58:54.000 Oh, there you go.

02:58:55.000 Yeah, ship it out. 1.00

02:58:56.000 There's an audiobook if you're dumb. 0.99

02:58:58.000 That's me. 1.00

02:58:59.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:58:59.000 I love audiobooks, son of a bitch. 1.00

02:59:01.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

02:59:02.000 You're on the move. 1.00

02:59:03.000 Did you read it?

02:59:04.000 No, I had Burt Kreischer, Tim Dillon.

02:59:08.000 I had 15 different comics read every chapter.

02:59:10.000 The first one's gonna be tough, but I'll get through it.

02:59:13.000 Yeah, he did the first one.

02:59:14.000 That's good, it's a nice warm-up.

02:59:15.000 I got Kanane, Ari, Dan Soder, David Borey, they all did great jobs.

02:59:19.000 Beautiful, all right, fantastic.

02:59:20.000 And see me on the road.

02:59:21.000 Go see Sam Tallent.

02:59:23.000 And if you hear this, you won't even know that he's here tonight, because it comes out tomorrow.

02:59:27.000 Yeah, no, it comes up tomorrow.

02:59:28.000 I'm there tomorrow.

02:59:29.000 Yeah.

02:59:30.000 Yeah, that's right.

02:59:31.000 412. But it's already sold out, so tough shit. 0.99

02:59:33.000 Oh, that's good. 0.99

02:59:34.000 Yeah.

02:59:34.000 That's good news.

02:59:36.000 That's it.

02:59:36.000 Thank you for having me, Joe.

02:59:37.000 Thank you.

02:59:38.000 I really enjoyed it, brother.

02:59:39.000 Thank you.

02:59:39.000 You're a very funny guy.

02:59:40.000 I really appreciate it.

02:59:41.000 All right.

02:59:42.000 Bye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 12, 2023

Joe Rogan Experience #1969 - Sam Tallent

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Transcript