The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #197 - Ari Shaffir

00:00:00.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:10.000 I gotta find a new way to say that, Brian.

00:00:13.000 I can't keep saying it that way.

00:00:15.000 The Fleshlight is our sponsor.

00:00:16.000 Okay, this is the deal, folks.

00:00:18.000 It's been very controversial, but they've been with us since the beginning.

00:00:21.000 And we are anything if loyal.

00:00:24.000 Or loyal if anything?

00:00:25.000 Loyal if anything.

00:00:26.000 We're loyal people.

00:00:28.000 They've always been our sponsor, and even though it's a controversial subject, Brian and I both feel the controversy is very silly.

00:00:35.000 What's the controversy?

00:00:36.000 The controversy is being sponsored.

00:00:37.000 That's ours for you, ladies and gentlemen, rthegreat.com. 0.71

00:00:40.000 It's being sponsored by a sex toy. 1.00

00:00:42.000 It's stupid. 1.00

00:00:43.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:00:44.000 But half the show is nonsense. 1.00

00:00:46.000 This show, we're talking about sex toys. 0.99

00:00:48.000 We're talking about nonsense. 0.98

00:00:50.000 It's not like there's this noble content that's continuously being brought up on this show, and it doesn't deserve to be associated with something like A masturbation aid. 0.96

00:00:59.000 What do you mean? 0.97

00:00:59.000 Everybody masturbates. 0.97

00:01:01.000 Who fucking cares? 1.00

00:01:02.000 It's not. 1.00

00:01:02.000 It's so silly. 1.00

00:01:04.000 To me, I will never give it up. 0.85

00:01:06.000 I won't give up the fleshlight. 1.00

00:01:08.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:01:09.000 You're ridiculous. 1.00

00:01:10.000 They're paying us. 1.00

00:01:11.000 They've always paid us.

00:01:12.000 There's nothing wrong with what they're doing. 0.98

00:01:14.000 If you think there's something wrong with what they're doing, you're crazy.

00:01:17.000 If you don't want to be associated with them, good. 1.00

00:01:19.000 That means you're a silly person. 1.00

00:01:21.000 You're a silly person. 1.00

00:01:23.000 What do you care? 1.00

00:01:24.000 It's nonsense.

00:01:25.000 When people bring up arguments like that, I'm always like, oh, let's not even talk. 0.99

00:01:28.000 Are we really pretending that we don't masturbate? 0.92

00:01:31.000 Really? 0.94

00:01:32.000 Why would you not? 1.00

00:01:34.000 You silly person. 1.00

00:01:35.000 Have you ever pretended to masturbate? 1.00

00:01:37.000 No. 0.99

00:01:38.000 Have you?

00:01:39.000 Pretended?

00:01:39.000 Not really for a movie?

00:01:41.000 Who are you trying to fool? 0.99

00:01:43.000 Brian, do you remember that time you were going to do that fucking movie and I talked you out of doing it, man? 0.99

00:01:47.000 What movie? 0.99

00:01:47.000 I was going to do a film where they tied him up in a trunk of a car with his girlfriend. 0.99

00:01:51.000 Yeah.

00:01:51.000 And I was like, yo, you don't want to have those videos out there, first of all, for people to get excited about.

00:01:56.000 Tied them up in the trunk and then what?

00:01:58.000 It's a very specific type of porn.

00:02:00.000 It's like they want to see people that are kidnapped and they want to see people that are completely...

00:02:06.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:02:06.000 They have fantasies of kidnapping people that they don't like, maybe, and they don't really go through with it, but they want to kidnap this guy and fuck his wife in front of him, you fucking piece of shit. 1.00

00:02:16.000 There's a lot of guys that feel like that. 1.00

00:02:17.000 Was it going to be a fuck film with you? 0.99

00:02:19.000 Well, don't you think if that's true, Michael C. Hall is somewhere like shivering, crying, hiding, you know, the guy that played Dexter or somebody like that, you know, all these people that are serial killers or... 0.99

00:02:29.000 Well, yeah.

00:02:30.000 Don't you think that they're all...

00:02:31.000 You do have to think about that.

00:02:32.000 That is a legit concern.

00:02:33.000 I mean, look, I'm not in any form or any way trying to say that we should have any kind of censorship in this world, but the reality is there's people that watch a show like Dexter and say, I would like to do that too.

00:02:47.000 Who?

00:02:48.000 Have you seen my Twitter avatar?

00:02:50.000 A guy in Canada got arrested for doing the exact same thing. 0.98

00:02:53.000 It's a fucking three's company too, or whatever her name was. 0.99

00:02:55.000 Even filming the guy, even filming the people, and doing it completely Dexter style. 0.99

00:03:00.000 Oh, they tried to copy it?

00:03:02.000 Oh, he did do it. 0.98

00:03:03.000 He was inspired by Dexter, so he went out and killed a bunch of people. 0.97

00:03:06.000 Oh, really? 0.97

00:03:06.000 Yeah, he tried to kill some bad people. 0.97

00:03:08.000 Have you seen my Twitter avatar?

00:03:09.000 No, what's your Twitter avatar?

00:03:10.000 You would probably get really mad at me if you saw my Twitter avatar. 1.00

00:03:14.000 Brian, were they going to make you fuck in this thing? 1.00

00:03:16.000 What? 1.00

00:03:16.000 Were they going to make you fuck in this thing? 1.00

00:03:18.000 Or was it just a film? 0.99

00:03:19.000 No, no.

00:03:19.000 They were just going to kidnap us and tie us up.

00:03:23.000 Who's going to do it for money?

00:03:24.000 Yeah.

00:03:25.000 It's acting.

00:03:26.000 Yeah.

00:03:27.000 I've seen that picture before.

00:03:28.000 Yeah, my heart's torn out.

00:03:30.000 That's like gory.

00:03:32.000 There's blood dripping on my face.

00:03:33.000 You don't think I've seen that?

00:03:34.000 That should have been in your picture forever.

00:03:36.000 I know. 0.59

00:03:36.000 Yeah, it's gross. 0.59

00:03:37.000 You should be careful with those things.

00:03:40.000 I mean, look, it is what it is.

00:03:41.000 You're expressing yourself.

00:03:43.000 If you feel the need to express yourself getting murdered, go ahead. 1.00

00:03:46.000 But I think there's a little something creepy about putting out videos of you getting tied up in your fucking trunk. 0.99

00:03:53.000 99.9% of the people, you're absolutely right. 0.99

00:03:56.000 That's nothing.

00:03:57.000 It's not going to trigger anything weird. 0.98

00:03:59.000 But there's that one-tenth of one percent that just sees that and just thinks, I would like to fucking do that to him. 0.98

00:04:06.000 Yeah, well, I'm glad you talked me out of it so I could torture my fleshlight. 0.98

00:04:10.000 That was also that guy that wanted to kill the president because of the taxi driver.

00:04:13.000 Exactly. 0.88

00:04:13.000 But you can't really worry too much about crazy people. 0.88

00:04:15.000 Anyway, folks, fleshlight's a hell of a product. 0.94

00:04:17.000 Torture your fleshlight. 1.00

00:04:18.000 Fucking strangle that bitch before you fuck it. 1.00

00:04:20.000 That was the best fleshlight commercial ever. 1.00

00:04:23.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the Fleshlight link, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off.

00:04:28.000 How's that?

00:04:29.000 Fleshlights don't have hearts.

00:04:30.000 They don't.

00:04:31.000 Yeah, but don't be mean to them. 1.00

00:04:32.000 You can fuck it always. 1.00

00:04:33.000 It's a spiritual thing. 1.00

00:04:35.000 Do you think it's people that are mean to them and that's what they get off on?

00:04:38.000 Could be.

00:04:39.000 Like punching it?

00:04:40.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, the cognitive enhancing supplement.

00:04:47.000 New Mood, the 5-serotonin enhancing supplement.

00:04:50.000 We also have Shroom Tech Sport and Immune.

00:04:52.000 One of them is great for endurance.

00:04:54.000 The other one is a little Pump Me Up for Your Immune System.

00:04:57.000 It's all explained on Onnit.com.

00:04:59.000 It's all stuff that I use and we use.

00:05:00.000 And it's all right now.

00:05:02.000 Today is Monday.

00:05:04.000 This is the last day, March 19th.

00:05:06.000 Until midnight, it's 35% off of single 30 count bottles if you just use the code on it.

00:05:14.000 Or excuse me, try it.

00:05:15.000 T-R-Y-I-T. So if you use the code T-R-Y-I-T just today, if you're listening on Ustream, iTunes people will probably miss this.

00:05:24.000 Fuck you guys. 0.98

00:05:25.000 But there's always 10% off. 1.00

00:05:27.000 Every order, you can always use the code name ROGAN and get 10% off.

00:05:30.000 And we stand by all this stuff.

00:05:32.000 And it's also 100% money-back guarantee on the first count of pills.

00:05:36.000 So if you buy like a 30-count bottle, it's 100% money-back guarantee.

00:05:40.000 You don't have to return the product.

00:05:42.000 If you don't like it, you just say it and you get your money back.

00:05:46.000 The most important thing is we are much more concerned with not having a bunch of people that feel like they got ripped off.

00:05:53.000 Much more concerned with that than with making money.

00:05:55.000 And it's all products that I use and I believe in.

00:05:57.000 I've been a fan of nootropics and vitamins and minerals for a long time.

00:06:01.000 And if you're interested in nootropics, it's N-O-O-T-R-O-P-I-C-S. And they're essentially nutrients that stimulate brain function.

00:06:10.000 They stimulate your neurotransmitters.

00:06:12.000 It's It's all fascinating stuff.

00:06:13.000 And it's very controversial, but I've been a big supporter of it for a while.

00:06:18.000 So Google that.

00:06:19.000 Go check out Nootropics.

00:06:20.000 Check out Onnit, O-N-N-I-T. And if you want to buy anything, use the codename ROGEN. Get yourself 10% off.

00:06:25.000 All right, freaks. 0.90

00:06:26.000 Ari the Great is here.

00:06:28.000 All right.

00:06:28.000 My pal, Ari Shafir.

00:06:30.000 The Joe Rogan Experience. 0.99

00:06:31.000 Ready to break shit down. 0.99

00:06:32.000 During my day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. 1.00

00:06:35.000 All day.

00:06:37.000 That was one of the greatest moments in my life. 0.99

00:06:39.000 That was the coolest shit ever when he did that. 0.99

00:06:45.000 In the middle of the fucking octagon when he said that, I was like, wow, we just got the best commercial of all time. 0.99

00:06:51.000 Nick Diaz throws his arms up in the air. 0.99

00:06:54.000 Somebody got mad at me on Twitter recently for going against the suspension.

00:07:00.000 We're talking ill of it.

00:07:02.000 Really?

00:07:02.000 Well, if folks don't know, Nick Diaz got suspended or he's in the process of a hearing right now about his use of marijuana.

00:07:10.000 He only tested positive for the metabolites in his system.

00:07:13.000 And I guess what his lawyer is arguing is that metabolites aren't illegal and that the marijuana is illegal.

00:07:20.000 And you're not allowed to have marijuana in your system, but you don't even have a law for metabolites.

00:07:24.000 Oh, I thought it was like metabolites are only remnants.

00:07:26.000 And the last time he was smoking when he got those remnants was when he was legally smoking by the state of California.

00:07:31.000 The metabolite that actually was in his system is an inert metabolite.

00:07:35.000 The metabolite that he tested positive for is not psychoactive.

00:07:40.000 So the only thing that he tested positive for was a non-psychoactive cannabinoid.

00:07:45.000 There's, you know, I don't know how many cannabinoids.

00:07:48.000 I shouldn't talk about this until I talk to Todd McCormick.

00:07:51.000 Why don't they just let him smoke pot though?

00:07:53.000 It's like it's not a performance enhancing drug and it doesn't hurt the person.

00:07:57.000 I get in this argument with people.

00:07:58.000 I get in this argument with people and a lot of people have been angry at me about this because I said that I think marijuana is a performance enhancing drug.

00:08:05.000 And it is if you're good.

00:08:08.000 It is if you're good with pot and it is if you're good with the martial arts.

00:08:12.000 It is enhancing.

00:08:14.000 It's not necessarily enhancing.

00:08:16.000 You could give it to one guy and his emotions and his nerves and everything just because of the fact that he's about to enter into a cage fight. 0.99

00:08:23.000 It might overwhelm him and he might just lose his shit. 0.99

00:08:27.000 But you could give it to... 1.00

00:08:28.000 I guarantee you could give some weed to BJ Penn and he'd go out and fuck people up. 1.00

00:08:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:08:33.000 B.J. Penn, I don't think he would have any problem with it. 1.00

00:08:36.000 He's an OG. You know what I mean?

00:08:38.000 He's a veteran.

00:08:38.000 So you think he'd be better?

00:08:40.000 I think the jujitsu, those guys never roll sober.

00:08:45.000 You've got to understand, there's a lot of these guys, like high-level guys.

00:08:48.000 So they just try to get back in the same place?

00:08:49.000 I don't want to name any names because some people don't like people talking about it.

00:08:53.000 So I'm going to tell you, but...

00:08:54.000 High-level jiu-jitsu guys that you've heard of in videos and everybody mimics them with their own game.

00:09:01.000 A lot of those guys smoke weed.

00:09:03.000 A lot.

00:09:04.000 It's a big percentage.

00:09:06.000 And they smoke weed and train.

00:09:08.000 And look, I always go back to Eddie Bravo because he's my best friend, but he's also one of the best jiu-jitsu instructors in the world.

00:09:15.000 And I've never seen Eddie do jiu-jitsu when he wasn't high.

00:09:18.000 Sometimes he gets so high he can barely teach and he's like, I don't know where I was going.

00:09:21.000 But he'll tell you.

00:09:22.000 He'll tell you that it enhances him.

00:09:24.000 He'll tell you that it enhances his sensitivity.

00:09:26.000 It puts you in the flow better.

00:09:28.000 It lets you...

00:09:29.000 Okay, but so does, let's just say, vitamin B or whatever else you take.

00:09:33.000 Oh no, they're very different though.

00:09:34.000 Vitamin B is very good as far as your body's ability to perform, yes.

00:09:38.000 But not as far as being able to change your state.

00:09:42.000 The thing about marijuana is it's so euphoric, and it's so mind-expanding, and what it does when you have the feeling, and this, by the way, is not for everybody.

00:09:52.000 Obviously, everybody's brain works in different ways, but with my personal experience, I get this wave of understanding when I get high.

00:10:00.000 And that prepares me for things, man.

00:10:01.000 That's one of the reasons why I like to get high before I do big, giant shows.

00:10:05.000 Yeah, it slows everything down for me.

00:10:07.000 I play poker tournaments high.

00:10:08.000 Yeah, pool is fantastic high.

00:10:10.000 I play a ball better when I'm high.

00:10:13.000 Really?

00:10:13.000 Yeah.

00:10:14.000 That's another thing you'll say.

00:10:15.000 At a tournament, you'll see all the poker pros, you know, running to their car as it breaks.

00:10:19.000 Yeah, marijuana is an enhancer.

00:10:21.000 It is an enhancer.

00:10:22.000 It just is.

00:10:23.000 Do you think it affects your judgment, though, to do stuff?

00:10:26.000 Like in jiu-jitsu.

00:10:28.000 Like, I mean, you watch a movie Stoned, and you might think it's awesome. 0.96

00:10:31.000 The next day, you think it sucks.

00:10:33.000 If you're doing jujitsu with somebody or MMA, maybe you would do something you normally wouldn't do because you're thinking something different, you know?

00:10:41.000 Well, you could, but that could lead...

00:10:43.000 See, what you're saying is that you would make a big mistake.

00:10:51.000 Not a big mistake.

00:10:52.000 You just do something that you normally wouldn't do.

00:10:53.000 Right.

00:10:54.000 Well, that would be a positive, though, a lot of the times.

00:10:56.000 As long as you're good.

00:10:57.000 Again, as long as you're good.

00:10:58.000 Because if you're a good jujitsu player, if you're a good grappler, you have a fundamental understanding of where you're supposed to put yourself, where you're in danger, where you're not in danger, what can be done.

00:11:09.000 All these moves tie into each other.

00:11:11.000 When you learn how to do butterfly hooks, Butterfly hooks, you know, you learn how to manipulate people's bodies.

00:11:19.000 That all of a sudden becomes a way to move people around, just like with your hands.

00:11:23.000 And that adds to all these other techniques that you do.

00:11:26.000 So there's literally a limitless number of moves and positions.

00:11:32.000 I mean, there's so many different variations, so many different counters to those variations.

00:11:36.000 As long as you have a deep understanding of positions, and as long as you have a deep understanding of what's dangerous and what's not, you're not going to usually put yourself in a bad spot.

00:11:44.000 I mean, occasionally, if you're training with friends, you'll say, can I do this?

00:11:50.000 Let me just try to do this.

00:11:51.000 Because you won't worry if you get mounted or something like that.

00:11:54.000 You're not in a competition where it's for your life.

00:11:56.000 Whereas if you were in a fight, you wouldn't try this position.

00:11:59.000 Yeah.

00:11:59.000 But I think that's where a lot of new moves come from.

00:12:02.000 Yeah, because it helps you with stand-up where it helps you riff a little more.

00:12:04.000 Like, let me try this.

00:12:05.000 But that can also lead you to a bad place where you're like, oop, that went nowhere. 1.00

00:12:08.000 You can fuck up, man. 1.00

00:12:09.000 All the time. 1.00

00:12:10.000 We both do it all the time.

00:12:12.000 I mean, I did it this past weekend a couple of times. 0.96

00:12:14.000 It's like two out of three fuck-ups. 0.86

00:12:16.000 It's like plenty of like... 0.98

00:12:17.000 Well, when you're doing new shit, especially, like at the Ice House, I did a lot of new shit this weekend, and I'm preparing for this special in Atlanta, which, by the way, if you go to my Twitter feed or go to JoeRogan.net, there's a link for it. 0.93

00:12:31.000 We're at the Tabernacle on 420, and I'm going to be filming my special. 0.97

00:12:35.000 Did you already sell it one show?

00:12:36.000 Yeah.

00:12:36.000 The first show's gone, and then the second one's selling fast.

00:12:40.000 So if you want to get in, I would love to have you guys come down.

00:12:42.000 It's going to be a lot of fun.

00:12:44.000 It's going to be crazy.

00:12:44.000 I'm psyched to do it in Atlanta, too, because I haven't been in Atlanta in a long time.

00:12:49.000 What is a tabernacle?

00:12:54.000 Brian, it's in the video!

00:12:56.000 What is the Terran...

00:12:56.000 What is it?

00:12:58.000 Like, what is...

00:12:59.000 Is that like an ink?

00:13:02.000 Is that like a nut?

00:13:03.000 Because everyone acts like that.

00:13:04.000 Everyone knows what one of those is.

00:13:06.000 I've never heard of one.

00:13:07.000 It's just a name.

00:13:08.000 Tabernacle?

00:13:08.000 Tabernacle.

00:13:09.000 Well, that's always like the Tabernacle Choir.

00:13:10.000 Yeah, it's a nice name for something.

00:13:13.000 For what?

00:13:13.000 You know, it's like...

00:13:14.000 I don't know.

00:13:14.000 I mean, I should...

00:13:15.000 I don't know.

00:13:15.000 Look it up.

00:13:16.000 What is Tabernacle?

00:13:16.000 I have no idea.

00:13:17.000 I feel like I'm stupid for not knowing what it is.

00:13:20.000 Yeah, if you told me it was the Tabernacle Buffet, I would say, wow, it must be.

00:13:24.000 An excellent buffet.

00:13:26.000 I'm sure it's like... 1.00

00:13:26.000 That buffet is regal as fuck. 1.00

00:13:27.000 It's like Rolls Royce or something, you know? 0.99

00:13:29.000 It's like some name.

00:13:31.000 Tabernacle?

00:13:31.000 Tabernacle, Wikipedia.

00:13:34.000 Residence or dwelling place?

00:13:35.000 Wow.

00:13:36.000 The tabernacle.

00:13:36.000 It's Hebrew, bro.

00:13:38.000 That's why I don't...

00:13:38.000 It's English.

00:13:39.000 It's your people, man. 0.99

00:13:40.000 How the fuck do you not know this? 0.99

00:13:42.000 Yeah, well, that's what I mean. 0.99

00:13:43.000 The tabernacle is a residence or a dwelling place according to the Hebrew Torah Old Testament.

00:13:49.000 See, it just sounds annoying.

00:13:51.000 Well, I don't know how that got to Atlanta.

00:13:53.000 Is there a lot of Jews in Atlanta?

00:13:55.000 No.

00:13:55.000 Christians started using it?

00:13:56.000 Is that what it is?

00:13:58.000 Yeah, I guess so.

00:13:59.000 Maybe that was the English translation for a hut.

00:14:01.000 Huh.

00:14:02.000 That's interesting.

00:14:03.000 So, it's just a house.

00:14:04.000 It's just like a super fancy way to say house.

00:14:07.000 Tabernacle.

00:14:08.000 Yeah.

00:14:08.000 You're right.

00:14:08.000 I've never known what that word meant.

00:14:09.000 So that's where we're at.

00:14:10.000 Tabernacle. 0.92

00:14:11.000 And it's on 420, which is just so silly.

00:14:13.000 We had to do it.

00:14:14.000 Oh, it's perfect. 0.80

00:14:15.000 It's so silly we had to do it.

00:14:16.000 When you told me you were thinking about it, I was like, no, dude, let's probably just do that.

00:14:19.000 No, it costs us extra money to do it this way.

00:14:22.000 Really?

00:14:23.000 Yeah, everybody else wanted to do it the next month.

00:14:26.000 But I was like, you know what?

00:14:28.000 It's 420. It's just so silly. 0.95

00:14:30.000 Let's just get in there. 0.80

00:14:32.000 Just get in and film it on 420?

00:14:35.000 It's just so perfectly goofy.

00:14:39.000 It is.

00:14:40.000 I love how Doug Benson does his 420 shows at 420 in the afternoon. 0.82

00:14:45.000 Because look, yes, it's preposterous, it's silly, it's ridiculous, but he's cut out everybody but his hardcore fans.

00:14:53.000 He's showing up at 420 in the afternoon on a Sunday to watch. 0.84

00:14:56.000 There aren't casual Doug Benson fans showing.

00:14:59.000 Do you guys ever have a screen name that had the 420 in it?

00:15:04.000 No.

00:15:05.000 How dare you?

00:15:06.000 You did?

00:15:08.000 Clearly you did.

00:15:09.000 Did you ever have one that had 69 in it?

00:15:12.000 Probably.

00:15:12.000 I definitely had Red Band 420 back in the day.

00:15:15.000 2012, bro!

00:15:17.000 Yeah.

00:15:18.000 No, I never did.

00:15:19.000 AOL or something.

00:15:20.000 Wait, let me ask you a question, though. 1.00

00:15:22.000 Ah, fuck it. 1.00

00:15:22.000 Who cares? 1.00

00:15:23.000 No, ask.

00:15:23.000 Why should something, if it just enhances yourself, why should certain those things be banned?

00:15:26.000 Okay, back to the weed being an enhancer.

00:15:28.000 Well, it's all in, what does it, you know, look, the reality is everything you take is a performance enhancer, from vitamins to minerals to a good diet.

00:15:38.000 Isn't it just what's harmful for your body?

00:15:40.000 Yeah.

00:15:40.000 That's what they try to outlaw?

00:15:41.000 No.

00:15:42.000 What they're trying to do is they're trying to stop low-level physical engineering.

00:15:48.000 And that's what steroids are. 0.93

00:15:50.000 It's low-level.

00:15:51.000 It's inevitable that they're going to come out with nanobots.

00:15:54.000 It's inevitable they're going to have the ability to literally change your genome.

00:16:00.000 It's inevitable.

00:16:01.000 It's going to happen.

00:16:02.000 It's coming.

00:16:02.000 It's going to happen.

00:16:03.000 The doctor in Star Trek, Deep Space Nine, he was all genome dead, right?

00:16:07.000 Yeah, he could have bullseyes every time.

00:16:08.000 It might not be in our lifetime. 0.97

00:16:10.000 I mean, it might be in another lifetime after us, but sometime, if you look, as long as we don't blow ourselves up or get hit by a fucking asteroid, we're going to make things better. 0.86

00:16:20.000 There's not a technological wall they're going to hit. 0.99

00:16:24.000 These fucking guys are coming up with incredible discoveries. 0.98

00:16:27.000 And these incredible discoveries actually make those other incredible discoveries easier. 0.99

00:16:31.000 All the technology essentially works together as far as computer processing power and as far as knowledge gained and learned and you build on that.

00:16:39.000 Instead of having to redo those experiments to get to a certain point, you're already far, far along the process.

00:16:44.000 And then these new minds just add to it.

00:16:46.000 They're gonna figure out a way to do something that's way crazier than steroids. 0.96

00:16:49.000 They're gonna figure out a way to make Dr. Manhattans. 0.99

00:16:52.000 They're gonna figure out a way to make giant blue dudes with giant blue dicks. 1.00

00:16:56.000 I mean, it's gonna be real. 0.98

00:16:57.000 It's gonna be unstoppable.

00:16:59.000 Once it becomes an actual technology...

00:17:03.000 Once they get over the morals of it.

00:17:05.000 Then it's only a matter of time.

00:17:07.000 Is it 100 years?

00:17:08.000 Is it 200 years?

00:17:09.000 We'll breed workers? 1.00

00:17:10.000 Yeah.

00:17:10.000 We'll breed workers?

00:17:11.000 We will be unrecognizable 200 years from now.

00:17:14.000 You think so?

00:17:15.000 As long as we stay alive.

00:17:17.000 And keep cloning and getting more and more stuff. 0.89

00:17:19.000 We're trying really hard to fuck it up. 1.00

00:17:21.000 We're trying really hard to eat every fish in the fucking ocean and then throw all of our shit in there and plastic. 1.00

00:17:27.000 People live longer. 1.00

00:17:28.000 They accomplish more things. 0.96

00:17:29.000 Yeah, but we're still trying to fuck up the ocean. 0.72

00:17:32.000 We're going to overcrowd this place.

00:17:33.000 Yeah, that's an issue.

00:17:35.000 They say you can produce enough food in one state of the country.

00:17:40.000 If you take North Carolina, if you filled North Carolina with farms, you could produce enough food to feed the whole world. 1.00

00:17:45.000 But I say, fuck you. 1.00

00:17:47.000 I say, you're crazy. 1.00

00:17:49.000 I think your calculations suck dick. 1.00

00:17:51.000 They're way off. 1.00

00:17:51.000 Yeah, you could barely have people scratch by. 1.00

00:17:54.000 And North Carolina's not that big, stupid. 1.00

00:17:57.000 And by the way, those people are just going to make more people. 1.00

00:18:00.000 And then what are you going to do?

00:18:00.000 Are you going to move into South Carolina?

00:18:02.000 Could you really keep everyone in the world with...

00:18:05.000 That's assuming there was like a line up to the door of North Carolina.

00:18:09.000 Right now I think we're okay and we'll probably be okay for another generation.

00:18:12.000 But we're eventually going to reach a point in time where there's too many people.

00:18:15.000 I mean, we're okay here in America.

00:18:17.000 They're certainly not okay in other parts of the world.

00:18:19.000 Population bomb.

00:18:20.000 Population explosion.

00:18:21.000 Rachel Carson and her husband wrote books about it.

00:18:25.000 Yeah.

00:18:25.000 But that's the number one problem for our population.

00:18:28.000 It's when it explodes and can't sustain itself.

00:18:30.000 Yeah, I mean, it has to.

00:18:32.000 It reproduces exponentially instead of geometrically, so it's not like two this year, two more next year, two more.

00:18:38.000 It's like two, then five, then nine, then 20. It just keeps going.

00:18:44.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:18:44.000 So it'll be the last minute. 1.00

00:18:45.000 I'll just go, and we'll just fill this place up, and we'll all just humongous plague.

00:18:48.000 Yeah.

00:18:49.000 That's a real issue, right?

00:18:51.000 Yeah.

00:18:51.000 How do you stop that?

00:18:52.000 Rain is going to come.

00:18:53.000 You know, you got to wonder.

00:18:55.000 You got to wonder if, you know, human population has like a number, like a cap that you have to keep it at.

00:19:03.000 I think that's what AIDS is.

00:19:04.000 Really?

00:19:05.000 AIDS, the plague.

00:19:06.000 It's all just nature's way of trying to fight it.

00:19:10.000 Well, how come there's less plague today then?

00:19:12.000 That doesn't make any sense.

00:19:13.000 There's way more people.

00:19:14.000 Way more people, but way less plague.

00:19:16.000 I think things come up because of it.

00:19:18.000 Well, I think sort of, but we combat that with science.

00:19:20.000 Yeah, we're outdoing nature's way of combating it. 0.99

00:19:23.000 Yeah, well, we're greedy bitches. 1.00

00:19:24.000 Like your body can fight off certain diseases when it's presented with too many coughs. 0.98

00:19:28.000 It's like, I'm out.

00:19:29.000 Right.

00:19:29.000 It's all my blood cells are gone.

00:19:31.000 Right.

00:19:32.000 Yeah, I wonder what I mean.

00:19:33.000 Somebody actually brought that argument up recently.

00:19:35.000 I forget where it was.

00:19:36.000 But the idea was that a virus was actually engineered.

00:19:40.000 That viruses engineered by nature to attack humans.

00:19:44.000 Yeah.

00:19:44.000 Keep us off.

00:19:46.000 Isn't that fucked up? 0.99

00:19:47.000 I think we just have a thousand words. 0.99

00:19:49.000 That's all we got left.

00:19:51.000 A thousand words?

00:19:52.000 What is that?

00:19:52.000 Eddie Murphy movie?

00:19:54.000 How dare you.

00:19:54.000 When are you going to stop making bad movies?

00:19:56.000 Do they have enough money?

00:19:57.000 Doesn't he have enough money?

00:19:58.000 Another 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, too.

00:20:01.000 Last I checked.

00:20:02.000 You can just not make any movies if you want.

00:20:05.000 You have enough money.

00:20:06.000 It can't be about the money.

00:20:07.000 It can't be.

00:20:08.000 Go back to comedy.

00:20:09.000 But that guy was hilarious.

00:20:11.000 So, like, I know he can do that.

00:20:12.000 He has moments.

00:20:13.000 We gotta get him on weed. 0.90

00:20:15.000 We gotta find him.

00:20:16.000 He has to already be on weed.

00:20:17.000 He doesn't smoke pot.

00:20:17.000 I don't know.

00:20:18.000 His brother does.

00:20:19.000 Charlie smokes weed.

00:20:20.000 I never smoked with Eddie.

00:20:20.000 He must have tried it.

00:20:21.000 I'm sure.

00:20:22.000 His brother did.

00:20:23.000 Yeah, I'm sure.

00:20:24.000 Why do we think he didn't? 1.00

00:20:25.000 Charlie Murphy gets high as fuck. 1.00

00:20:28.000 Really? 1.00

00:20:29.000 Yeah, he gets high.

00:20:30.000 He smokes blunts.

00:20:31.000 He smokes those ones with the tobacco on the outside.

00:20:34.000 We got high.

00:20:35.000 That was a totally different high.

00:20:37.000 That's weird.

00:20:37.000 That's a weird high, man.

00:20:38.000 What tobacco makes that?

00:20:40.000 Well, the tobacco's not mixed in.

00:20:41.000 It's the leaf.

00:20:42.000 Okay, that's not bad.

00:20:42.000 Which, by the way, yeah, it is bad.

00:20:44.000 Here's the deal.

00:20:44.000 You're not supposed to smoke cigar leaves.

00:20:47.000 You just inhale, you puff those.

00:20:49.000 Oh, but they're smoking them.

00:20:51.000 But they're inhaling them.

00:20:52.000 So they're taking these cigar leaves that you're not supposed to be inhaling in the first place.

00:20:57.000 And they're inhaling them with their weed.

00:20:59.000 It's craziness.

00:21:01.000 I'm like, this is not the way to do it, man.

00:21:03.000 You know, they like to do those real Philly blunts where you take the Phillies. 0.99

00:21:06.000 They like to get fucked up. 1.00

00:21:08.000 They're like, give me the worst shit. 1.00

00:21:09.000 Just fuck me up. 1.00

00:21:10.000 Phillies are disgusting. 1.00

00:21:12.000 The idea that you would take one of those shitty cigars, those shitty grandpa cigars, and actually inhale it. 1.00

00:21:19.000 It's like Tiramisu. 0.99

00:21:20.000 You can't have it once in a while.

00:21:22.000 You don't do it every day.

00:21:25.000 I had a couple cigars before that were like sweetened cigars.

00:21:29.000 Yeah.

00:21:30.000 Have you ever had those before?

00:21:31.000 Swisher Sweets.

00:21:32.000 Swisher Sweets, yeah.

00:21:33.000 What was the grandpa version of that?

00:21:35.000 The grape ones are good too.

00:21:37.000 You get a nice buzz off a cigar.

00:21:38.000 That's what people don't know.

00:21:40.000 You know, a lot of people don't know. 0.99

00:21:41.000 You can get just as high off a good cigar as you can off shitty weed. 0.93

00:21:44.000 My first cigarette, I finally smoked like once every few weeks. 0.81

00:21:47.000 You know, like when I was in college or when I just started, it was like, when you have one, it's like, whoa, it's a major buzz.

00:21:52.000 Yeah, yeah, the real, a deep tobacco buzz, like especially real tobacco, like cigar tobacco, it's nice.

00:21:59.000 It's a nice feeling.

00:22:00.000 I mean, those dudes aren't doing that just because it looks cool.

00:22:03.000 Yeah.

00:22:03.000 Like, they're getting high.

00:22:04.000 They're getting high from that tobacco.

00:22:05.000 It's a weird high.

00:22:06.000 They're getting nasty.

00:22:07.000 The Sklar Brothers, I used to smoke before I played basketball outside on the courts, and I got picked up once, and they're like, all right, come on, we're starting.

00:22:12.000 I had to, like, take my last few puffs off a cigarette.

00:22:14.000 Yeah.

00:22:15.000 I forget if it was Randy or Jason, but one of them was like, Ari, you have to quit smoking.

00:22:19.000 I was like, I know, I know.

00:22:20.000 They're like, it's bad for your health.

00:22:21.000 I'm like, I know.

00:22:21.000 And they're like, it makes you stink.

00:22:23.000 I'm like, I know, I know.

00:22:23.000 And they're like, it's not cool.

00:22:24.000 I'm like, well, that's where you're wrong.

00:22:26.000 Clearly it's cool.

00:22:27.000 That's the only reason anyone has ever started smoking.

00:22:29.000 It's cool?

00:22:30.000 It's cool.

00:22:31.000 How's it cool?

00:22:32.000 Cool people, that's just always been a cool thing. 0.96

00:22:35.000 It's been an I don't give a fuck thing. 0.99

00:22:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:37.000 You know, that's the reason why people smoke cigarettes is because they don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:22:40.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:22:41.000 You know, you see a private investigator in a movie and he's taking a drag off his cigarette. 1.00

00:22:45.000 That guy doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

00:22:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:47.000 He's not even, you know, he's feeding his own monster. 1.00

00:22:50.000 Feeding his own monster with a cigarette.

00:22:52.000 It's funny when you see actors smoke cigarettes.

00:22:55.000 It is weird.

00:22:55.000 Because you never see them in movies do it, but it's only when they're off.

00:22:57.000 I see a lot of them on set.

00:22:59.000 Yeah.

00:22:59.000 You see them stamp out, and I'm trying to quit, and they're always trying to quit.

00:23:04.000 Puffing the little set.

00:23:05.000 They just go until you're ready to quit, and then quit.

00:23:06.000 One or the other.

00:23:07.000 The best is when you're on a set and everybody's high.

00:23:10.000 When you get on one of those sets, where everybody's high, all the writers are high, the actors are getting high, the director's high.

00:23:17.000 That's great.

00:23:17.000 Those are the real movies.

00:23:19.000 Yeah.

00:23:19.000 Me and Renazisi did those Tiger Woods commercials.

00:23:21.000 And so then he left and we had to keep talking trash to ourselves as we played the video game.

00:23:25.000 And they were like, want some beers?

00:23:26.000 We're like, okay.

00:23:27.000 And they just started giving us beers, the production company. 0.94

00:23:29.000 And they're like, keep talking trash, whatever. 0.58

00:23:31.000 And they're like, want to smoke some pot? 0.97

00:23:32.000 And we're like, you better not.

00:23:34.000 We're not going to get any work done if you do that.

00:23:36.000 But this is very cool of you guys.

00:23:38.000 That's awesome.

00:23:39.000 Yeah, if you're with a good group of people, man.

00:23:41.000 They want to have fun.

00:23:43.000 That's the way to have fun.

00:23:44.000 I mean, think about how we do the podcast.

00:23:47.000 You know, we get high before every single one of them.

00:23:49.000 We're always doing the ice houses drunk.

00:23:51.000 Yeah.

00:23:51.000 I brought a bottle of wine last night.

00:23:52.000 Did you really?

00:23:53.000 You're classy.

00:23:55.000 I brought a bottle of wine.

00:23:56.000 We're drinking wine out of plastic cups.

00:23:58.000 Why not? 0.99

00:23:59.000 It's fucking great, man. 0.98

00:24:00.000 You know? 0.99

00:24:01.000 It's decent wine.

00:24:04.000 At Cavaretta's.

00:24:05.000 Cavaretta's Deli in Canoga Park.

00:24:07.000 That Italian place. 0.99

00:24:09.000 Holy shit, is that place good. 1.00

00:24:11.000 Really? 0.99

00:24:11.000 Yeah, I picked up a bottle of wine and some sandwiches. 0.99

00:24:14.000 Boom! 0.99

00:24:15.000 That's nice.

00:24:15.000 It's the only place here on the West Coast where you can get real East Coast Italian food.

00:24:20.000 Cavaretta's?

00:24:21.000 Cavaretta's, yeah.

00:24:22.000 It's in Canoga Park.

00:24:24.000 Sandwiches are amazing.

00:24:26.000 What's Canoga Park?

00:24:26.000 They have a sausage and pepper sub that I cannot not get.

00:24:30.000 I have to get it every time.

00:24:31.000 I always say, well, I'm going to experiment this time.

00:24:33.000 Nope. 0.98

00:24:34.000 I've got to get this sausage and pepper because it's so ridiculous. 0.91

00:24:37.000 To eat a whole one, you have to be some kind of massive. 0.99

00:24:40.000 It's ridiculous. 0.98

00:24:41.000 It's preposterous. 1.00

00:24:42.000 You have to be some crazed glutton to eat a whole one. 0.84

00:24:45.000 I have eaten a whole one before. 0.86

00:24:46.000 That's what I thought.

00:24:46.000 Yeah, I'm sure you have.

00:24:47.000 You're an animal. 0.57

00:24:48.000 When we took Joey? 0.99

00:24:49.000 Really?

00:24:50.000 Yeah.

00:24:50.000 I've seen you at Greasy Tony's or whatever those places were where you got the garbage pail.

00:24:53.000 Yeah.

00:24:54.000 Whatever it was.

00:24:55.000 And I almost got the small. 0.54

00:24:56.000 Garbage pail.

00:24:56.000 It was way too much for me.

00:24:57.000 And you're just killing yours.

00:24:59.000 I'm like, fries please.

00:25:00.000 What?

00:25:01.000 That sub was dangerous.

00:25:04.000 The Greasy Tony's?

00:25:05.000 Yeah, Greasy.

00:25:05.000 That was like liquid death.

00:25:07.000 Greasy Tony died of heart failure at 52. I know.

00:25:10.000 I'm glad I only had like seven of those.

00:25:12.000 I think he was in his 60s.

00:25:14.000 I think he was in his 60s.

00:25:15.000 He might have actually even been 70. He actually looked good for his age.

00:25:18.000 He looked a lot younger than he was.

00:25:21.000 But yeah, he did die of heart failure.

00:25:22.000 What if he was like 24?

00:25:23.000 When a guy named Greasy Tony dies of heart failure...

00:25:26.000 But I tell you what, man, I always loved being around that guy.

00:25:29.000 We got pictures for years.

00:25:30.000 Yeah, he was so nice.

00:25:32.000 This was in Tempe, Arizona, right across the street from the Improv.

00:25:35.000 There was this 24-hour Italian joint run by this guy from Jersey, and he was a great old character.

00:25:42.000 We would just hang out there after the shows.

00:25:44.000 He was so cool to be around, just to get to hang out with a real character like that guy.

00:25:51.000 You know, like, you look in the walls, it was all, like, his pictures when he was young.

00:25:55.000 Like, his sons are all flexing.

00:25:57.000 There's a picture of the godfather, a picture of the sign by Sylvester Stallone.

00:26:01.000 And you're like, what?

00:26:02.000 Where are you?

00:26:02.000 It's so classic, old East Coast Italian.

00:26:06.000 And you realize, like, yeah.

00:26:08.000 And he was so friendly.

00:26:09.000 He was, like, such a nice guy that, like, you would go there.

00:26:12.000 It was, like, you know, like going over your friend's living room or something.

00:26:14.000 It just happened to be...

00:26:15.000 Hey, look at the back.

00:26:17.000 Comes up behind the counter. 1.00

00:26:18.000 He's hugging you and shit. 0.99

00:26:19.000 Greasy Tony was awesome. 0.99

00:26:21.000 What a great guy. 0.97

00:26:22.000 And the food was fucking perfect. 0.98

00:26:24.000 When you're hammered and you're coming off of two shows at the Tempe Improv, and you're like, yeah, let's go eat, and you have one of those subs, those fucking steak subs that he had, the thing called the garbage pail that you were talking about, what does it weigh? 0.99

00:26:37.000 Four pounds? 0.95

00:26:38.000 Five pounds?

00:26:38.000 I don't know.

00:26:39.000 It was ridiculous. 0.98

00:26:40.000 It was gross. 0.99

00:26:40.000 And it was just dripped grease. 0.99

00:26:42.000 It was like no bullshit. 0.98

00:26:43.000 It was close to two feet long. 0.99

00:26:44.000 Let me soak this in oil before you eat it too.

00:26:48.000 It was...

00:26:49.000 I'm not bullshitting.

00:26:50.000 It was at least 18 inches long. 0.99

00:26:51.000 They were fucking huge. 0.99

00:26:52.000 They would cut them in half and each one of them, each half would look like a big sub. 0.99

00:26:56.000 Yeah.

00:26:57.000 And they're like, this is too much.

00:26:57.000 This half is too much for me.

00:26:58.000 And I would eat the fuck out of that shit. 1.00

00:27:00.000 God. 1.00

00:27:01.000 It was like the leg of Esther. 0.80

00:27:03.000 That's pretty much what it was like.

00:27:04.000 Whenever we order food at a restaurant, you go first, and then the waitress is like, all right, thank you, and she starts to leave, and you're like, no, no, no, no, that's just for me.

00:27:11.000 You're what my friends want.

00:27:13.000 After shows, man, I get famished.

00:27:15.000 I get famished after shows.

00:27:17.000 You know, you think about the energy that you put out when you're on stage, you know, just focusing and managing everything.

00:27:21.000 It's a lot of mental energy, physical energy, moving around.

00:27:25.000 It's a lot of energy.

00:27:26.000 You know, it's a big burn.

00:27:28.000 There's a lot going on.

00:27:29.000 You have to be in shape to do stand-up, to do it right.

00:27:32.000 I mean, you could do it if you were out of shape, but I guarantee you, you'd be better if you were in shape.

00:27:37.000 I mean, a guy like Ralphie, how much better would Ralphie may be if he weighed 180 pounds?

00:27:43.000 Jesus Christ.

00:27:44.000 I mean, his timing, the way his brain would work, the way his body would move, you know, it's amazing when I see a guy like Ralphie.

00:27:50.000 He could definitely be a lot more physical. 0.98

00:27:52.000 Think about how many goddamn shows he does. 0.99

00:27:54.000 How much energy that is. 0.99

00:27:55.000 That's incredible what Ralph does.

00:27:56.000 He said he dropped two pant sizes.

00:27:57.000 That's great.

00:27:58.000 I'm a good pair.

00:27:58.000 Well, he had some serious health issues, right?

00:28:01.000 Yeah.

00:28:02.000 He stopped smoking weed.

00:28:03.000 He said the doctor told him to stop smoking weed.

00:28:05.000 I don't know if he stopped eating it.

00:28:06.000 No, he stopped eating it too.

00:28:07.000 Really?

00:28:08.000 Yeah.

00:28:08.000 He said the stuff in there.

00:28:10.000 Say goodbye to all that funny shit. 1.00

00:28:15.000 He doesn't mind if you smoke around him. 1.00

00:28:16.000 But yeah, his immune system's all shot to hell.

00:28:19.000 Wow.

00:28:20.000 That's crazy.

00:28:21.000 Yeah, man.

00:28:22.000 He was...

00:28:22.000 Obviously, you cannot get that big.

00:28:26.000 Ralphie's...

00:28:26.000 If you don't know Ralphie May, he's probably about 500 pounds at least, right?

00:28:30.000 He's the sweetest guy in the world.

00:28:31.000 He's so sweet.

00:28:32.000 I'm so worried about him.

00:28:33.000 Does he sound the same?

00:28:34.000 We all worry about him.

00:28:35.000 Well, as he loses weight, his voice will change, for sure.

00:28:38.000 He's going to start having a British accent.

00:28:42.000 He'll sound royal.

00:28:44.000 So, you still smoking the weed, Joe?

00:28:46.000 Yeah, I don't know what makes someone get that big.

00:28:50.000 I would be out of my...

00:28:53.000 Out of school to talk about it.

00:28:55.000 I don't know if it's biological.

00:28:57.000 It seems to me that it's a very recent phenomenon in human history.

00:29:00.000 Did it get that big?

00:29:01.000 Yeah.

00:29:01.000 I don't think people got that big a couple hundred years ago.

00:29:04.000 I think Big J is losing weight now.

00:29:05.000 He got Patrice Dout.

00:29:08.000 Who's Big J? Big J Ockerson.

00:29:09.000 He's just a really funny New York comic.

00:29:11.000 Oh, okay.

00:29:11.000 He was like massive.

00:29:12.000 Yeah.

00:29:12.000 Oh, he's losing weight?

00:29:13.000 Yeah.

00:29:13.000 After Patrice died, it's the same thing.

00:29:15.000 It's like, wake up calls, everybody.

00:29:18.000 Yeah, you know, it's very important. 1.00

00:29:20.000 It's very important to take care of your fucking body. 0.99

00:29:22.000 We're all going to go, man, but you don't need to go early. 1.00

00:29:25.000 You don't need to go because that's going to be a terrible feeling to go because you treated your vehicle like shit. 0.99

00:29:31.000 That's not what you should do. 0.99

00:29:33.000 I did this benefit in D.C. for this comic who had a stroke but didn't have insurance.

00:29:40.000 And every third comic was like, yeah, this will be for me in six months.

00:29:44.000 But it's like, it will be!

00:29:45.000 You guys are all getting fatter!

00:29:47.000 Stop! 1.00

00:29:48.000 You know, this really brings up a really interesting point. 0.99

00:29:51.000 Because the ability when someone is fucked, when they're done, when you're paralyzed from the neck down, you can't move. 0.96

00:29:59.000 The ability to terminate their own life and to decide. 1.00

00:30:04.000 Some of them can blink and move a cursor and stuff, and they can write things like, I want to die, please kill me. 0.98

00:30:11.000 Yeah.

00:30:12.000 There was a woman who wrote this article, and this woman's name is Allison Pearson.

00:30:16.000 She wrote this article about, do any of us, however ill, have the right to die?

00:30:22.000 And this was her argument.

00:30:23.000 Her argument was that you don't have the right. 1.00

00:30:25.000 It is one of the dumbest, fucking, most simpleton mouth diarrhea takes on the subject I've ever read. 1.00

00:30:34.000 It's not thoughtful. 1.00

00:30:36.000 It's silly. 0.97

00:30:37.000 It's silly. 1.00

00:30:37.000 Of course you have the right to die. 1.00

00:30:38.000 It's your own...

00:30:39.000 Rights are given to us by others in order for us to live together, but it's like you can do whatever you want yourself.

00:30:44.000 Yeah, I mean, it's...

00:30:45.000 The right?

00:30:45.000 What do you mean?

00:30:46.000 It's completely preposterous. 1.00

00:30:48.000 I mean, it's one of the dumbest arguments that anyone can ever make. 0.99

00:30:51.000 It's just a really poorly... 0.98

00:30:52.000 So what'd she say?

00:30:52.000 What was she saying?

00:30:53.000 Well, she said that...

00:30:54.000 I didn't want to read it because it's horrible.

00:30:57.000 But the point is she contradicted herself because she had actually written another one, another article a couple years back where she was praising a woman for killing her daughter because her daughter had a fatal disease and she was just slowly suffering.

00:31:13.000 So we have the right to kill others but not ourselves?

00:31:15.000 It's preposterous. 1.00

00:31:17.000 She also wrote a really dumb article. 1.00

00:31:19.000 Who hired her? 0.99

00:31:20.000 She writes for some English newspaper.

00:31:23.000 You think she's just ragging? 0.98

00:31:26.000 Well, maybe 24-7.

00:31:27.000 She writes for the Telegraph.

00:31:28.000 Is there any chance you meant that as a double play on the word rag?

00:31:31.000 She writes for the Telegraph.

00:31:32.000 So here's my point.

00:31:33.000 So the other day I look on my website and there's a thread that says Women vs.

00:31:38.000 Doug Stanhope.

00:31:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:31:40.000 So I go, oh, what the fuck did Doug do? 0.99

00:31:42.000 This could be great. 0.99

00:31:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:31:43.000 By the way, Doug's latest CD is fucking fantastic. 0.98

00:31:47.000 If you haven't heard it, it's great. 0.97

00:31:49.000 You know what's great when you hear a guy, and I gotta be honest, his last one that he did in Norway, the Oslo one, it wasn't my favorite.

00:32:00.000 It wasn't my favorite out of his stuff, and I love Doug. 0.88

00:32:02.000 He's fucking awesome. 0.71

00:32:03.000 But this one, man, it's almost like he rebounded from that one. 0.99

00:32:07.000 Just like with renewed vigor and hate and just fucking attacked. 0.98

00:32:12.000 It's great. 0.99

00:32:14.000 It's so good. 0.95

00:32:16.000 Like there's some really fucking hard laughs in it. 0.95

00:32:19.000 Yeah, it's great. 0.93

00:32:21.000 It's one of my favorite stand-up comedy CDs in years.

00:32:25.000 It's my favorite.

00:32:26.000 I think it's my favorite of Doug's. 0.99

00:32:27.000 I think he just, whatever the fuck he did, whether, you know, he even talks about it. 0.99

00:32:32.000 He turned a corner as a person where he doesn't give a fuck anymore. 0.99

00:32:35.000 He's just trying to have fun. 0.97

00:32:36.000 He's not trying to change the world.

00:32:37.000 He thought he was going to try to change the world at one point.

00:32:39.000 Yeah, now he finally realizes he's just one dude. 0.99

00:32:41.000 Yeah, he's just here to tell dick jokes. 0.99

00:32:43.000 And it's fucking great. 1.00

00:32:46.000 It's great. 0.99

00:32:47.000 And so I had, I tweeted about it. 0.98

00:32:50.000 And it's hard to follow everything the fuck that's going on on Twitter. 0.97

00:32:55.000 So I didn't see this women versus Doug Stanhope thing. 0.99

00:32:58.000 So I go to Stanhope.

00:32:59.000 Stanhope read what this woman had wrote.

00:33:02.000 And let me find the exact quote because it was pretty inflammatory.

00:33:08.000 Something about he...

00:33:10.000 I think he said that he hopes she gets a cyst.

00:33:15.000 Yeah.

00:33:15.000 Did he write this?

00:33:15.000 Yeah.

00:33:16.000 I mean, he's just really angry at this article.

00:33:21.000 And, you know, that's what Stan Hope does.

00:33:23.000 He gets fired up, and he wants to figure out some way to turn this rage into comedy.

00:33:31.000 So, what is his exact quote? 0.99

00:33:36.000 Shit, I can't find it. 1.00

00:33:37.000 I think he said that he wished a cyst on her ovaries or something like that. 1.00

00:33:44.000 To see what you would do?

00:33:45.000 Yeah, I can't even find it.

00:33:47.000 He might have actually taken the first quote down.

00:33:52.000 Really?

00:33:52.000 Yeah.

00:33:53.000 Why, he caught a lot of flack for it?

00:33:54.000 I don't know.

00:33:55.000 That doesn't seem like him.

00:33:56.000 So what was the thing?

00:33:57.000 Women against Doug Stanhope? 0.75

00:33:59.000 Yeah.

00:33:59.000 I can't find it.

00:34:00.000 Was there backlash?

00:34:02.000 Well, this is what's crazy. 1.00

00:34:03.000 So Doug Stanhope calls her a cunt, and he said that she was fucking ridiculous in this shit article, and it's about something that is very near and dear to Doug, because that's what his mom had to do. 1.00

00:34:15.000 His mom had to take her own life. 1.00

00:34:17.000 Oh, really?

00:34:18.000 His mom did that from the man show? 0.99

00:34:21.000 Yes. 1.00

00:34:22.000 So for some smug asshole to come and just pass judgment like this and do it with such poor thinking... 1.00

00:34:33.000 It's really poorly written. 1.00

00:34:35.000 It reeks of a mediocre mind. 0.98

00:34:37.000 It reeks of someone who is just... 0.98

00:34:39.000 They're not capable of grasping how a lot of other people are going to see this.

00:34:43.000 They don't have enough perspective to tackle this complex issue.

00:34:48.000 It's insulting. 1.00

00:34:49.000 It's insultingly dumb. 1.00

00:34:50.000 And so Stanhope shit all over this lady. 1.00

00:34:53.000 So her response was to create this Women Against Doug Stanhope page on Facebook. 0.99

00:35:01.000 Awesome.

00:35:02.000 Yeah, it's also on Twitter.

00:35:04.000 Women vs. 1.00

00:35:05.000 Stanhope on Twitter and Women vs.

00:35:08.000 Stanhope on Facebook.

00:35:10.000 Wait, why women? 1.00

00:35:10.000 Exactly! 1.00

00:35:10.000 Isn't it a Right to Die show? 1.00

00:35:12.000 Exactly!

00:35:12.000 No, because he asked for a cyst.

00:35:14.000 Oh. 1.00

00:35:15.000 Because he said, he called her a cunt and she said he hopes she gets a cyst. 1.00

00:35:19.000 Can anyone join? 1.00

00:35:20.000 I think he said a fetid ovarian cyst.

00:35:23.000 Yes, well that's the problem.

00:35:24.000 This is what I was going to say.

00:35:25.000 The problem is, the only people that joined Women vs. 0.99

00:35:28.000 Stanhope both on Twitter, me, and on Facebook, me.

00:35:32.000 Are you the only ones that joined? 0.97

00:35:33.000 No, it's me and all the fucking Stanhope fans from the Rogan board. 0.95

00:35:37.000 And all the people who heard about this. 0.98

00:35:39.000 So they all join? 0.99

00:35:40.000 Nobody's gonna fucking women versus stint. 1.00

00:35:43.000 Bitch, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:35:44.000 There's a few crazy hookers that are looking to get mad at any guy who says anything bad to any woman anywhere. 1.00

00:35:49.000 I think some women just hear a quote, women against someone, she's like, oh, sure, I'll sign up for it. 1.00

00:35:53.000 Of course.

00:35:53.000 I read this one lady's take on it.

00:35:57.000 You know, misogynists like Stan Hope, like, what are you fucking talking about, dummy? 1.00

00:36:02.000 What are you saying? 0.99

00:36:02.000 Yeah, he made a personal attack on her, but that's not the important part. 0.99

00:36:06.000 The important part is this nonsensical argument by a fucking dullard saying that really terminally ill people who are in horrible straits shouldn't be able to stop their time on this life. 0.99

00:36:18.000 That somehow or another, what, is there some grand plan that has to pay out? 0.99

00:36:23.000 Is there some pill that you know about that we don't?

00:36:26.000 Is there some new leaf that we're going to find on the Amazon that restores this 80-year-old guy who's paralyzed with a neck down? 1.00

00:36:31.000 Jesus fucking Christ, bitch. 1.00

00:36:33.000 You don't know what you're talking about. 1.00

00:36:34.000 You're talking nonsense. 0.58

00:36:35.000 You shouldn't be allowed to be in a position where you have an opinion that can be expressed and then can influence people.

00:36:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:36:41.000 You're too fucking stupid for that. 1.00

00:36:43.000 Who does she work for? 1.00

00:36:45.000 She works for this fucking newspaper, man. 1.00

00:36:47.000 This is why I try not to say bitch when I'm in an argument with a woman because I'm like, I don't want this to be about female or male at all. 1.00

00:36:53.000 I just want you to know that you're stupid. 1.00

00:36:55.000 So I try not to use gender-specific words. 1.00

00:36:58.000 Yeah, this is a...

00:36:59.000 It's just...

00:37:00.000 You don't have to be gender specific with this lady. 1.00

00:37:03.000 I haven't.

00:37:03.000 I don't think I have.

00:37:04.000 But unless I called her a bitch. 1.00

00:37:06.000 But the way I say that, I call that... 0.99

00:37:07.000 I'm saying that's what happens when Doug uses a cut.

00:37:09.000 It's not his fault, but that's what they latch on to.

00:37:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:11.000 I use a bitch with my best friends. 1.00

00:37:13.000 I was like, bitch, you crazy? 1.00

00:37:15.000 I mean, I'm not saying she's a bitch as a woman. 1.00

00:37:17.000 Yeah, but that's what they latch on to. 0.99

00:37:19.000 And you're like, why?

00:37:20.000 That's not what we're even talking about.

00:37:22.000 Well, because they want to be able to say you hate women. 0.99

00:37:24.000 Of course I do. 0.89

00:37:25.000 Pfft.

00:37:27.000 The worst.

00:37:28.000 Well, the women versus... 1.00

00:37:30.000 I don't hate them, but as a whole, I just definitely look down on them.

00:37:33.000 You definitely look down on them?

00:37:34.000 Yeah.

00:37:34.000 Well, you know, what it is is...

00:37:35.000 Like, I can't help it.

00:37:36.000 I look down on men, too. 1.00

00:37:37.000 There's a lot of men out there that are bitches. 1.00

00:37:39.000 I run into a lot of very unfortunate men out there in this world. 1.00

00:37:42.000 Yeah.

00:37:43.000 And if I was a woman, I would be sad.

00:37:44.000 If I was a woman and I wanted to have a real man...

00:37:47.000 Good luck. 1.00

00:37:48.000 Good luck finding one of those fucking things. 1.00

00:37:49.000 There's like a specific type of female drunk that I hate, but there's also a specific type of male drunk that I hate, too. 1.00

00:37:54.000 Dude, I would way rather be a guy than be a guy.

00:37:56.000 I think there's way more women that are cool than there are men that are cool. 0.83

00:38:00.000 There's too many douchebags out there that have some weird chip on their shoulder. 1.00

00:38:03.000 There's some weird need to prove themselves. 0.99

00:38:06.000 There's just too many aggressively cunty men. 0.95

00:38:09.000 I think there's a lot of cunty women, but I think there's way more cunty men. 1.00

00:38:14.000 There's just fucking people. 1.00

00:38:16.000 There's a lot of guys that are just going like this. 1.00

00:38:18.000 Just beating their chest and trying to like...

00:38:19.000 And they're like, why?

00:38:20.000 Why?

00:38:21.000 Why are you fighting?

00:38:22.000 What are you doing?

00:38:23.000 Who wants this?

00:38:24.000 They never train.

00:38:25.000 If they just trained, they would never do that.

00:38:27.000 You know, you go with a bunch of guys who are like...

00:38:29.000 Jiu-jitsu guys go out.

00:38:30.000 They're like the nicest, most polite people ever.

00:38:32.000 You know?

00:38:32.000 It can be easier.

00:38:33.000 Yeah.

00:38:34.000 It's way easier.

00:38:35.000 You know what I realized?

00:38:36.000 Sometimes I used to do this thing, I don't do it anymore, where it's like you're at a yellow light and you try to pause far enough so the car behind you misses the light and you get to go through it.

00:38:43.000 But I'm like, the amount of energy it takes to do that would be equal to the amount of energy to speed up and get the guy in behind you.

00:38:50.000 The game works either way.

00:38:52.000 You're trying to accomplish something. 0.99

00:38:53.000 Yeah, that's a total cunt move, dude. 0.98

00:38:54.000 It's like you can be nice and still have the fun of the game. 0.99

00:38:58.000 Yeah.

00:38:59.000 Yeah, I think it's...

00:39:00.000 I think people just get locked into a wave.

00:39:02.000 It's absolutely people get locked into a wave thing.

00:39:05.000 And you can also get locked into frustration.

00:39:07.000 Some of the most aggressive people I've met were the most unsuccessful.

00:39:11.000 The most frustrated.

00:39:12.000 The reason why they were just like constantly involved in conflict.

00:39:16.000 It's because they were dealing with a lot of internal conflict and no confirmation of anything good.

00:39:22.000 No confirmation of goodness from their life.

00:39:25.000 There's no confirmation of them being worth something.

00:39:28.000 They were always getting dumped in relationships or in the middle of fighting with their boss. 1.00

00:39:33.000 They just shit on everything. 1.00

00:39:34.000 Yeah, there was always conflict. 0.99

00:39:35.000 And when you're in that situation, that constant state of That's your norm?

00:39:40.000 Of unease, yeah.

00:39:41.000 That becomes your baseline? 1.00

00:39:42.000 Yeah, it's fucking, it's the worst. 1.00

00:39:44.000 It's the worst to be around. 1.00

00:39:46.000 Yeah, it's the worst to be around.

00:39:47.000 But the reality is, you and I have it far easier than the average person.

00:39:51.000 There was a threat on the underground.

00:39:53.000 Yeah, but I think the average person isn't like that.

00:39:55.000 I think that's a lot of people, but I think the average person's cool.

00:39:57.000 You're absolutely right.

00:39:58.000 But I'm saying, the average person is under a lot more stress.

00:40:01.000 It seems like stand-up comics would be under a lot of stress, and we sort of are, but it's kind of a different stress.

00:40:06.000 The world's under zero stress.

00:40:06.000 Yeah.

00:40:07.000 Yeah.

00:40:07.000 There was a thread on the underground talking about Sunday nights.

00:40:11.000 And the guy's like, man, fucking Sunday night. 0.99

00:40:13.000 Some dude just reached out. 0.99

00:40:14.000 He goes, Sunday nights are depressing.

00:40:16.000 Do you guys find Sunday depressing? 0.99

00:40:18.000 And fucking everybody's like, yes, I hate Sunday nights. 0.99

00:40:22.000 I hate going back to work. 1.00

00:40:24.000 It makes me sick.

00:40:25.000 And I'm sitting here.

00:40:26.000 And I'm dreading.

00:40:28.000 I'm dreading that I've got to go to work in the morning.

00:40:29.000 And I'm like, wow.

00:40:30.000 That's when you really realize how... 1.00

00:40:34.000 Stupid lucky we are. 1.00

00:40:35.000 Just stupid lucky to be stand-up comedian. 1.00

00:40:38.000 I've been stupid lucky across the board. 1.00

00:40:40.000 Even Fear Factor, I never woke up and was really mad that I had to go and make retarded amounts of money to do that. 0.99

00:40:46.000 It wasn't my favorite thing to do, but I was never mad at it.

00:40:48.000 But to do stand-up or anything like that or work for the UFC, it doesn't even feel like a job.

00:40:53.000 It's something you actually look forward to.

00:40:54.000 I try to do sometimes when I'm tired and I don't want to go to some awesome gig or get on the plane to go to some great place.

00:40:59.000 I'm like, I have it worse than Ethiopia. 1.00

00:41:01.000 Just like, put it out how ridiculous it is. 0.98

00:41:03.000 Like, relax, dude. 0.96

00:41:04.000 You can complain, but keep it set.

00:41:06.000 Say it out loud.

00:41:07.000 You should put that on your wall.

00:41:08.000 I have it worse than Ethiopia. 1.00

00:41:10.000 It'll like force you to just not be a bitch. 1.00

00:41:12.000 This ice cream is melty. 1.00

00:41:14.000 I have it worse than Ethiopia. 1.00

00:41:18.000 It's like, let me complain, but obviously I'm fine. 1.00

00:41:21.000 It's super easy to get into a shit mindset. 0.99

00:41:25.000 The bottom line is that life is a struggle. 1.00

00:41:27.000 It's a constant struggle.

00:41:28.000 And doing anything is a struggle.

00:41:30.000 Like we were talking about writing new material.

00:41:32.000 We're both doing that right now. 0.99

00:41:34.000 You go up and sometimes it just eats dick. 0.99

00:41:36.000 It's not working. 0.99

00:41:37.000 It's hard.

00:41:38.000 Sometimes you don't know where you're going with something because it's a new bit and you try to say it one way and now you try it another way but then it sort of diffuses the second part of it and then you gotta listen to it and go over it and maybe rewrite it.

00:41:51.000 It's a weird process. 0.99

00:41:52.000 Sometimes you're like, okay, this section just needs work and then the next time you're like, it still needs work and the next time you're like, damn it! 0.96

00:41:57.000 Nothing's coming! 0.76

00:41:58.000 Bits just show up done.

00:42:00.000 Oh yeah.

00:42:00.000 You know?

00:42:01.000 Sometimes, like, you get an idea, and I have gotten an idea on the way to a show, and then got to the show, and then, boom, the bit was done.

00:42:09.000 And it kills like an old bit.

00:42:12.000 You know, one of my bits from my...

00:42:13.000 The Facebook thing, the first time you said it.

00:42:16.000 Yeah.

00:42:17.000 Which Facebook thing?

00:42:18.000 Wait a minute.

00:42:19.000 I don't want to ruin one of your jokes, you're a special.

00:42:23.000 if this is the premise if they have Facebook in like the 1800s oh yeah yeah yeah yeah That came out immediately.

00:42:31.000 Yeah, that was that night.

00:42:32.000 It was some big theater.

00:42:33.000 I forget where.

00:42:34.000 Yeah, sometimes it was really funny.

00:42:36.000 That's a tag, though.

00:42:37.000 That was sort of easy because the big premise had already been set.

00:42:40.000 Oh, right.

00:42:41.000 You're saying the whole thing.

00:42:42.000 Yeah.

00:42:43.000 But it's weird, man.

00:42:45.000 The process is so weird, the process of creating new stuff.

00:42:49.000 But it's so exciting, too.

00:42:50.000 It just gets you real stimulated.

00:42:52.000 That's my favorite time because it's the most unsteady time. 1.00

00:42:55.000 You're going out there with all these fucking weak-ass weapons. 1.00

00:42:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:59.000 It's like you're playing... 1.00

00:43:01.000 It's like you become a bad motherfucker at StarCraft or World of Warcraft. 0.99

00:43:05.000 It's your first time getting to Mike Tyson in Punch Out. 1.00

00:43:06.000 You're like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:43:08.000 He just knocks you out in two shots. 1.00

00:43:09.000 You quit and then you start all over again with a new account.

00:43:14.000 Yeah, that's a better example.

00:43:15.000 And you're like, what? 1.00

00:43:17.000 Yeah, you're a noob with shit jokes. 1.00

00:43:19.000 We played... 1.00

00:43:20.000 That thing me and Renazisi did.

00:43:22.000 We got to play Tiger Woods Golf with Tiger Woods.

00:43:23.000 Right, right.

00:43:24.000 And he drove it off the tee once and he went into this creek.

00:43:26.000 He's like, I couldn't clear the creek?

00:43:28.000 It was like 140 yards.

00:43:30.000 I'm like, yeah, welcome to regular people golf, Tiger.

00:43:33.000 Yeah, I'm just mumbling.

00:43:35.000 I was like, that's how regular people do it.

00:43:37.000 You powered through that one, though.

00:43:38.000 I tried, and then I got stuck in like a rut right there.

00:43:41.000 And a skip. 0.99

00:43:42.000 That's the worst feeling when you're on stage in the middle of a fucking perfect joke. 0.99

00:43:46.000 And you're like, come on, body. 0.99

00:43:47.000 Stop it.

00:43:48.000 And your body just hiccups on a word.

00:43:50.000 Oh, God. 0.99

00:43:51.000 Damn, I'm ruining this whole moment. 0.99

00:43:53.000 I almost did that this week, and I paused myself, and it actually made the joke better. 0.99

00:43:58.000 Oh, really? 0.98

00:43:58.000 I almost fucked up. 0.98

00:44:00.000 I had an almost fuck up where a word was... 0.99

00:44:02.000 I felt it come out twisted. 0.61

00:44:04.000 I'm like, why is my tongue this shape?

00:44:06.000 I paused an extra second, then I paused an extra second after the word, after I got it correct.

00:44:10.000 Yeah.

00:44:10.000 And it was like a better pause.

00:44:12.000 Yeah.

00:44:12.000 Sometimes you chance by yourself on accident, right?

00:44:14.000 Yeah.

00:44:14.000 And you're like, oh.

00:44:15.000 I realize, I'm like, oh yeah, that gives you more time.

00:44:17.000 I am saying something kind of crazy right there.

00:44:19.000 Maybe it's better to contemplate it for a moment before you hear the second step.

00:44:24.000 Sometimes stand-up is just...

00:44:27.000 Technical.

00:44:27.000 Yeah, and you're doing it in front of different people.

00:44:31.000 That's the only art form that I know of where you literally need them to practice it in front of.

00:44:36.000 I don't know.

00:44:38.000 I know some of the stuff that's funny.

00:44:41.000 You know, when I write it, I know some of the stuff that's going to kill. 0.95

00:44:43.000 But some of the stuff, every now and then, there's some shit that you didn't even think was funny. 0.97

00:44:47.000 You thought it was like a throwaway, and it washes. 1.00

00:44:50.000 It could be like the biggest throwaway to you, and that's like the biggest laugh of the joke.

00:44:54.000 I find a lot of times that I'll do certain jokes that I really enjoy that may or may not get as big a laugh.

00:44:59.000 But I'll do the jokes that get a humongous laugh that I'm like, yeah, I like it.

00:45:02.000 But it's not my favorite.

00:45:03.000 But you guys seem to like it.

00:45:05.000 So I'll keep that in there so you listen to these ones that I want to say.

00:45:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:08.000 It's like a tool. 0.99

00:45:09.000 There's no substitute for fucking doing it on stage in front of people. 0.99

00:45:12.000 There's no way around it. 0.99

00:45:13.000 That's why I used to hear about Bill Cosby.

00:45:15.000 That Bill Cosby would just write his whole routine and then just go on The Tonight Show.

00:45:20.000 And just do it.

00:45:21.000 Yeah, he just did it.

00:45:22.000 He would say he just knows what funny is.

00:45:24.000 Certain people, I guess, go differently.

00:45:25.000 I would like to see that dude.

00:45:26.000 If he's in town, you want to see him with me?

00:45:28.000 Yeah.

00:45:28.000 I totally would.

00:45:29.000 I bet he comes to town like once a year.

00:45:31.000 My first time in Montreal, I had to leave the day before he was there and I was really upset.

00:45:33.000 Yeah, I'd like to see him do stand-up.

00:45:35.000 Because it's hard when you hear a lot of the veteran comics talk about him because he's reached this deity status.

00:45:41.000 You can't say anything wrong.

00:45:42.000 They're not honest.

00:45:43.000 Because I remember the one time, obviously George Carlin's one of all-time greats.

00:45:47.000 There's no doubt about it.

00:45:49.000 He's one of the greatest comedians that's ever lived.

00:45:51.000 But there was a time where he was coming to the comedy store and he was working on some new stuff and it was not good.

00:45:57.000 Yeah, his last or second or maybe third or last special.

00:45:59.000 But yeah, it was like, meh.

00:46:00.000 It wasn't good.

00:46:00.000 There was one good bit in there of the hour.

00:46:03.000 And we all kind of sat around and no one wanted to say anything.

00:46:07.000 No.

00:46:08.000 Yeah, and maybe you and I got together and we were like, yes, it wasn't good.

00:46:11.000 In private.

00:46:11.000 It wasn't good, yeah.

00:46:13.000 But meanwhile, he's fucking one of the greatest of all time. 0.97

00:46:15.000 Yeah, you have to say, I'm not taking anything away from his overall achievements. 0.98

00:46:19.000 Yeah.

00:46:19.000 Yeah, no, it was that moment.

00:46:21.000 And really, the reason was, there's a reason for it.

00:46:23.000 It wasn't that he wasn't a good comic anymore.

00:46:25.000 It's that he had an incredible workload.

00:46:28.000 And he did the Louis C.K. thing, where he was the originator of it.

00:46:32.000 He would come up with a completely new act every year.

00:46:34.000 He would do like a dozen or two dozen specials, right?

00:46:36.000 It's incredible.

00:46:37.000 And he was in his 60s, right?

00:46:41.000 It was in his 60s, maybe even older.

00:46:44.000 Yeah, and he's writing a whole new special and performing it every year.

00:46:48.000 He gave me 20 bucks.

00:46:49.000 I went to the deli for him.

00:46:51.000 Really?

00:46:51.000 They sent me to the deli for him and he gave me 20 bucks.

00:46:52.000 I was like, oh, it's on the house.

00:46:53.000 He goes, yeah, I know.

00:46:54.000 Yeah, it's for you.

00:46:55.000 And I was like, thank you so much.

00:46:56.000 Yeah, you got 20 bucks for George Carlin. 0.99

00:46:58.000 You should have framed that shit. 0.99

00:46:59.000 Yeah, and I think I needed to eat. 0.99

00:47:01.000 I mean, that's so courageous, too, that he would do that.

00:47:03.000 That he would go out there.

00:47:04.000 Tip it you 20 bucks?

00:47:05.000 No.

00:47:06.000 I know. 1.00

00:47:06.000 Try out all the new shit and bomb. 1.00

00:47:09.000 When he could just pull out, you know, hours of classics and just crush. 1.00

00:47:12.000 He said that before we used to work out.

00:47:13.000 He would be like, I'm not doing the old stuff.

00:47:15.000 Don't ask for it.

00:47:16.000 I'm not going to do it.

00:47:17.000 Yeah.

00:47:18.000 Here we go.

00:47:19.000 Yeah, that's how we had to do it.

00:47:20.000 It's amazing.

00:47:21.000 It's amazing, really.

00:47:22.000 It's hard to put yourself in that position, but if you do it enough, practice enough, probably just the same thing as working out, you get to a place of happier that you didn't just rely on the old material, and you actually just went through the new stuff.

00:47:32.000 Yeah, but it's also, Gaffigan and I talked about this, and one of the things that he said was that you've got to have both.

00:47:37.000 He goes, it's really important to me to be really good, to have a good show.

00:47:42.000 These people are paying a lot of money.

00:47:43.000 I can't just work out in front of them.

00:47:45.000 And I was like, you're right.

00:47:46.000 I feel the same way.

00:47:47.000 I sandwich new jokes in between already known killers.

00:47:53.000 That's why I love workout sets.

00:47:55.000 At the store or New York or anywhere. 0.98

00:47:57.000 It's just like, this is just, you know, it's a fucking Tuesday night. 0.94

00:48:00.000 No one's here to see anybody specific. 0.99

00:48:01.000 Don't you feel like that, you know, you gotta get the audience's sort of respect before you start doing new shit? 0.93

00:48:10.000 I feel like... 0.94

00:48:11.000 Here's what I'll do.

00:48:12.000 I know what you mean.

00:48:12.000 It's like you want to do an opener that's going to hit up right away.

00:48:15.000 Opener that works for sure.

00:48:16.000 I'll find a new one.

00:48:17.000 I'll find a new one for this year.

00:48:19.000 By not having one, that'll make me find a new one.

00:48:21.000 That's a good way to look at it.

00:48:23.000 Yeah.

00:48:23.000 By not having a closer, that'll force me to get a closer.

00:48:25.000 But if I do my whatever ending and then I'm like, let me hit you with some great bit I know works, then I'll leave with that feeling of like...

00:48:32.000 I need something better there.

00:48:34.000 Do you get bummed out if people send you, like, shitty messages about your show on Twitter? 0.90

00:48:39.000 No. 1.00

00:48:40.000 They thought you sucked? 1.00

00:48:40.000 Uh-uh. 1.00

00:48:41.000 Because rarely is it super bad.

00:48:42.000 I'm trying my best with whatever that new material is.

00:48:45.000 Right.

00:48:45.000 And then it gets better and better, so the more and more of it goes well.

00:48:48.000 Right.

00:48:48.000 Maybe then eventually all you need is just that closer.

00:48:50.000 But the first ten is great, you know, and then it becomes like so-so.

00:48:54.000 Yeah, we've got to do some things, man.

00:48:56.000 Let's go to Alaska or something like that. 0.99

00:48:58.000 We've got to do some shit. 1.00

00:48:59.000 I told your manager. 1.00

00:49:00.000 I already told him.

00:49:00.000 I said, he's going to forget again.

00:49:01.000 So just look into it.

00:49:03.000 I'm telling you.

00:49:03.000 Just look into it.

00:49:04.000 The longest day of the year, Shroom Fress is July 21st through the 23rd.

00:49:09.000 Oh.

00:49:10.000 Can you get shrooms in Alaska? 1.00

00:49:11.000 Fuck, of course you can, right? 1.00

00:49:13.000 That's the way he says that. 1.00

00:49:14.000 Of course you can.

00:49:14.000 There's no way that can't be true.

00:49:16.000 This is the guy who got arrested at the Mall of America.

00:49:20.000 What you mean to say is, this is the guy who got let off by the cops of Mall of America!

00:49:26.000 That's one way of putting it.

00:49:27.000 That's one way of putting it.

00:49:29.000 But you did get...

00:49:29.000 I can't remember the last time the cops came at Mall of America to talk to me.

00:49:34.000 Yeah.

00:49:34.000 I'm walking the line, by the way.

00:49:36.000 Did you ride the roller coaster at the Mall of America?

00:49:44.000 No, I didn't.

00:49:44.000 It looks janky and old.

00:49:46.000 It's like everything's from like 20 years ago.

00:49:48.000 It's inside?

00:49:48.000 The inside roller coaster?

00:49:49.000 They have a water ride too.

00:49:51.000 How big is the Mall of America?

00:49:53.000 It's the biggest mall.

00:49:54.000 Edmonton Mall in America.

00:49:56.000 Edmonton Mall is bigger.

00:49:56.000 In Canada?

00:49:57.000 Mm-hmm.

00:49:58.000 Wow.

00:49:59.000 Yeah.

00:49:59.000 That's the biggest mall in the world?

00:50:00.000 I think so.

00:50:01.000 It's all by the same people, though.

00:50:02.000 How does Dubai, how do they tolerate the fact that we have the biggest mall?

00:50:05.000 They must be going crazy.

00:50:06.000 Is there really people driving around with lions in their cars in Dubai?

00:50:10.000 Lions?

00:50:10.000 Have you seen those photos of just like Mercedes driving by with a big lion arm hanging out of the side?

00:50:18.000 No, I haven't seen it.

00:50:20.000 There's a new show called The Shas of Sunset.

00:50:23.000 It's all Iranians. 1.00

00:50:24.000 It's all the Persians that are here? 1.00

00:50:26.000 Yeah.

00:50:26.000 Okay, can I just say this?

00:50:28.000 You can disagree with me if you want.

00:50:29.000 I don't care.

00:50:30.000 You can put this on the record. 1.00

00:50:30.000 They're the worst of the whites. 1.00

00:50:32.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:50:33.000 Persians and Remedians. 0.93

00:50:34.000 You are the Jewiest Jew of all time. 1.00

00:50:36.000 The way you said it. 1.00

00:50:37.000 The worst. 1.00

00:50:37.000 The worst of the whites. 1.00

00:50:38.000 Of all the whites. 0.99

00:50:39.000 By far.

00:50:40.000 The way you said that, though.

00:50:41.000 You so, like, made a Jew-y face.

00:50:44.000 You just got into it.

00:50:46.000 I'm becoming an old man.

00:50:47.000 Yes!

00:50:48.000 I'm becoming an old man set in his ways.

00:50:49.000 I worry about that, man.

00:50:51.000 I say something.

00:50:52.000 Like, someone will say something.

00:50:53.000 I'm like, what?

00:50:53.000 What are you saying?

00:50:54.000 I'm like, oh my god, I'm an old guinea.

00:50:56.000 Yeah.

00:50:56.000 Listen to me.

00:50:57.000 I'm some fucking... 1.00

00:50:58.000 I'm some old guinea. 1.00

00:50:59.000 Becoming what I was supposed to become.

00:51:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:01.000 They're the worst of the whites! 1.00

00:51:04.000 I'll tell you, they're the worst of the whites! 1.00

00:51:09.000 They were fine. 0.99

00:51:10.000 They were having a good time.

00:51:12.000 I mean, they seemed like they were enthusiastic people.

00:51:14.000 Oh, the show?

00:51:14.000 Yeah, the show.

00:51:16.000 They're driving their dad's daddy-lacks. 1.00

00:51:17.000 Listen, the fucking people. 1.00

00:51:19.000 Working some store that was handed down to them. 1.00

00:51:20.000 Listen, I am all for anybody coming from somewhere that sucks like Iran and coming to America. 1.00

00:51:26.000 And guess what? 1.00

00:51:26.000 They're going to have some fucking growing pains. 1.00

00:51:30.000 They're going to have to... 1.00

00:51:31.000 It's a completely suppressed culture.

00:51:33.000 It's the ones that act overly that way.

00:51:36.000 Most people are fine. 0.98

00:51:37.000 They're fucking balling for the first time ever in like, you know, six generations. 0.98

00:51:40.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:51:41.000 Think about that.

00:51:42.000 They've come to America over the last... 1.00

00:51:44.000 I mean, look, the whole hostage crisis shit happened in the Carter administration, and then they stopped calling themselves Iranians.

00:51:50.000 Because I had an Iranian girlfriend when I was young. 0.92

00:51:52.000 She was Iranian then?

00:51:53.000 She was Iranian.

00:51:53.000 And then they changed it to Persian?

00:51:54.000 And then they changed it to Persian.

00:51:55.000 Why?

00:51:56.000 Because they got a bad rap? 0.99

00:51:56.000 Fucking nobody wanted to have anything to do with Iran, man. 0.99

00:51:59.000 You don't know what it was like. 1.00

00:52:00.000 At that point, when she was my girlfriend, this was my first girlfriend ever, I was like 11 years old, and she was this girl across the street, and her fucking mother, the mother was Iranian. 0.97

00:52:10.000 She was half Iranian and half American, and the mother tried to stab the father with a knife while I was there. 0.98

00:52:16.000 The cops got there.

00:52:18.000 It was really crazy.

00:52:19.000 It was a crazy little situation.

00:52:21.000 She was a really nice girl, but they were in deep turmoil.

00:52:25.000 Her family was in deep turmoil.

00:52:26.000 Really?

00:52:27.000 Trying to get out?

00:52:27.000 No, no.

00:52:28.000 I mean, like, the mother tried to kill the fucking father with a knife. 1.00

00:52:32.000 What? 1.00

00:52:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:52:33.000 Yeah.

00:52:33.000 They got arrested while we were there.

00:52:35.000 It was really crazy.

00:52:36.000 But my point was, like, I got to see, like, you know, what it's like in their eyes to have escaped Iran. 1.00

00:52:46.000 You know, and Iran was, you know, it's a fucking dictatorship. 1.00

00:52:50.000 I don't give a shit what anybody says. 1.00

00:52:51.000 All those votings, that's nonsense over there. 1.00

00:52:54.000 There's a reason why everybody erupted and went fucking crazy after the last election. 0.98

00:52:59.000 There's no real democracy going on in Iran. 0.97

00:53:02.000 Yeah, that's great.

00:53:02.000 Nothing anytime soon.

00:53:03.000 But, no, no, there's none.

00:53:05.000 It's a scary place.

00:53:06.000 But that doesn't excuse your behavior when you come into a comedy club late at night and say, I don't buy this place.

00:53:09.000 Yeah, you know what it is, man? 0.99

00:53:11.000 They're just like the Guineas of the fucking 1930s. 0.99

00:53:14.000 It's the same thing. 1.00

00:53:15.000 Those are the second worst of the whites. 1.00

00:53:17.000 Listen, that's my people. 0.98

00:53:18.000 I'm a Jersey Guinea.

00:53:20.000 I was born in Newark, New Jersey, man.

00:53:23.000 That's the whole environment. 0.55

00:53:25.000 They're escaping something that sucks bad.

00:53:28.000 You know, and so it takes them a while to assimilate to the greatest culture the world has ever known.

00:53:33.000 Hello.

00:53:34.000 Welcome to California.

00:53:35.000 Hey! 1.00

00:53:36.000 Welcome to California, bitch! 1.00

00:53:37.000 There's one time these, like, five Persian guys came into the store later night. 0.99

00:53:39.000 I was sitting in the back row there, and Renizzisi's working the cover booth.

00:53:42.000 He was smoking a cigarette in the back row.

00:53:44.000 It was, like, 1.30 in the morning.

00:53:46.000 The, uh, Jim Painter, the door guy, was on stage.

00:53:49.000 And these guys come in, smoking a cigarette, and we're like, hey, guys, you can't, uh...

00:53:53.000 Or Steve said, guys, it's a $20 cover.

00:53:55.000 And they're like, oh, okay.

00:53:56.000 And they sat there for a minute and he goes, guys, it's a $20 cover and you can't smoke in here.

00:53:58.000 You've got to go out.

00:53:59.000 And they kind of gave this look of like, all right.

00:54:02.000 And they walked towards the steps, waited there for like two minutes. 1.00

00:54:05.000 And I just go, get the fuck out, you filthy Persians. 1.00

00:54:08.000 Oh! 1.00

00:54:10.000 And they just started rushing at me.

00:54:12.000 Steve is holding back their kicks.

00:54:13.000 They were trying to spit at me a kick. 0.73

00:54:15.000 I'm trying to be cool and just sit there and their kicks were just missing me.

00:54:18.000 Oh my god.

00:54:19.000 I was so mad at them. 1.00

00:54:21.000 I was like, get the fuck. 1.00

00:54:22.000 You're so rich. 1.00

00:54:23.000 You've done nothing.

00:54:24.000 You're all 19. Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:54:26.000 So where are they getting their money from? 1.00

00:54:28.000 Dad!

00:54:28.000 What does dad do?

00:54:29.000 Worked hard because he overcame that shit you were talking about. 1.00

00:54:32.000 All they did was inherit them. 1.00

00:54:34.000 There's a big problem with really rich kids...

00:54:39.000 A lot of parents of rich kids are not taking care of those kids very well.

00:54:43.000 Don't let your children wear black on black.

00:54:45.000 They're working a lot, too. 0.76

00:54:46.000 Don't let them wear black on black. 0.98

00:54:47.000 Yeah, it's like, you're a douche. 0.99

00:54:48.000 Stop. 0.99

00:54:49.000 Listen, look at your sweater.

00:54:50.000 Oh, yeah.

00:54:51.000 No, this is cool.

00:54:52.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:54:52.000 You have the gay flag. 1.00

00:54:54.000 You have the sweater. 0.99

00:54:54.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:54:55.000 Are you sitting on some picture pages?

00:54:56.000 How could you possibly sit?

00:54:58.000 Picture pages.

00:54:58.000 How could you possibly tell them what colors to wear?

00:55:00.000 They're the worst.

00:55:01.000 They're the worst.

00:55:02.000 What colors to wear, though?

00:55:03.000 What?

00:55:04.000 It's awful.

00:55:04.000 They can't wear black on black?

00:55:05.000 No, with three buttons undone.

00:55:07.000 What if they're really nice people and they wear black on black?

00:55:09.000 They would never act like that!

00:55:10.000 They would never!

00:55:12.000 My day!

00:55:14.000 You waited for your wife to yell at you in the background, Ari, keep it down! 1.00

00:55:19.000 You shut up in mind! 1.00

00:55:20.000 Dad would never tolerate this! 1.00

00:55:21.000 The neighbors can hear!

00:55:23.000 You're going off and you're offensive!

00:55:26.000 Ari! 1.00

00:55:28.000 Oh my god, dude.

00:55:29.000 You're so hilarious.

00:55:31.000 I just visited my parents, man.

00:55:33.000 Maybe if you were a Persian, you could get away with saying that. 1.00

00:55:36.000 No, why?

00:55:37.000 Right now they're going to have some Persians mad at you. 1.00

00:55:39.000 They're going to come to your show.

00:55:40.000 Be less Persian-y! 1.00

00:55:41.000 That's all I ask.

00:55:43.000 It's only the ones.

00:55:44.000 You know what I'm talking about.

00:55:45.000 I do, because, again, in your defense, I'm a guinea.

00:55:49.000 I'm mostly Italian, and I don't like most Italians. 1.00

00:55:52.000 There's a lot of them I like.

00:55:54.000 Oh, you're Italian? 0.98

00:55:54.000 Oh, you're Persian? 0.98

00:55:55.000 No, you're fine.

00:55:56.000 Yeah, there's a lot of them I like, but there's just this giant clock.

00:55:58.000 I wouldn't even say it's most I don't like.

00:56:00.000 I would say it's 30% I don't like.

00:56:02.000 Yeah, it's like the militant Palestinians. 1.00

00:56:03.000 It's just 30% douchebags. 0.99

00:56:05.000 Yeah, they ruin it for everyone. 0.63

00:56:06.000 That's all you think of.

00:56:07.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

00:56:07.000 And all these goddamn mob movies have just pumped those fuckheads up, those really dumb fuckheads. 1.00

00:56:12.000 Entitles them. 1.00

00:56:13.000 Do you know who I am?

00:56:15.000 I'll come back there.

00:56:16.000 I know people. 1.00

00:56:17.000 Kill yourself. 1.00

00:56:18.000 I know people. 1.00

00:56:20.000 What?

00:56:21.000 That's horrible.

00:56:23.000 We stop it.

00:56:24.000 Give me another line.

00:56:24.000 Let's do this.

00:56:25.000 Yeah.

00:56:26.000 I wonder how much, you know, they say that the big mob in this country is the Soviet mob and that they know how to keep their mouth shut.

00:56:34.000 Yeah.

00:56:35.000 Cause attention to their criminal behavior.

00:56:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:56:37.000 They don't walk around with fucking giant diamond rings on and they're like very sophisticated in their forms of organized crime. 0.99

00:56:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:56:44.000 They're the most dangerous because they're like the computer dudes. 0.99

00:56:47.000 Oh yeah.

00:56:47.000 Yeah.

00:56:48.000 And they're ruthless.

00:56:49.000 Like, you know, that's a cold world, man. 1.00

00:56:52.000 You know, those people went through a lot of shit that we can't even, you know, begin to fathom. 0.99

00:56:56.000 Those are those guys that are like, get my pinky off. 0.99

00:56:58.000 I won't even blink.

00:56:59.000 Yeah.

00:57:00.000 Ouch.

00:57:00.000 When we were in Japan, I didn't see any pinkies cut off.

00:57:02.000 Did you?

00:57:03.000 No, everyone wore black.

00:57:05.000 A lot of wearing black.

00:57:06.000 Yeah.

00:57:06.000 Would you yell at the Japanese?

00:57:08.000 No black on black? 0.99

00:57:09.000 Wait, black on black wearing black pants and a black shirt? 1.00

00:57:11.000 Everybody fucking wore black. 1.00

00:57:12.000 No, no, no. 1.00

00:57:12.000 I swear to God. 1.00

00:57:13.000 Black pants on a black shirt.

00:57:14.000 That's what I wear when I'm in the UFC. What is wrong with that?

00:57:16.000 First of all, if you wore it out, yeah, it's a little douchey.

00:57:19.000 Really?

00:57:19.000 Black on black?

00:57:20.000 You know, my friend Bud, that's all he wears.

00:57:22.000 Black on black? 1.00

00:57:23.000 His whole fucking wardrobe is black clothes. 1.00

00:57:26.000 Like a black button down? 1.00

00:57:27.000 He has black jeans, bro.

00:57:28.000 It's okay for a black t-shirt and black jeans.

00:57:30.000 I'm telling you, black sneakers. 1.00

00:57:32.000 This motherfucker has black everything. 1.00

00:57:34.000 He has a black car. 1.00

00:57:35.000 His whole thing is that he only wears black.

00:57:38.000 Okay, I want you to tell Bud something.

00:57:40.000 If he does that, because I know what he's going for.

00:57:43.000 This is alright.

00:57:43.000 If he splashes a little bit of color in there, it'll really pop.

00:57:47.000 Some colorful shoes or some socks.

00:57:50.000 Ari, you would never get your car murdered?

00:57:52.000 Get my car murdered?

00:57:53.000 Yeah.

00:57:53.000 What do you mean?

00:57:54.000 Like all blacked out?

00:57:56.000 Murdered is matte black.

00:57:58.000 Oh, yeah.

00:57:59.000 That cool color.

00:58:00.000 I like that, man.

00:58:01.000 Russell has that.

00:58:01.000 He has matte gray.

00:58:03.000 Really?

00:58:03.000 Yeah.

00:58:03.000 That's badass.

00:58:04.000 I like it.

00:58:05.000 I would like that.

00:58:06.000 Maybe I should do my car on my GT3. Yeah.

00:58:08.000 Fucking murdered bitch. 1.00

00:58:08.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:58:09.000 Paint your house that way. 1.00

00:58:11.000 Like Marilyn Marilyn's house. 1.00

00:58:14.000 Damn, are you rolling dirty over there? 1.00

00:58:15.000 What are you talking about? 1.00

00:58:16.000 What's that mean?

00:58:18.000 Oh, that's what they would say about your house?

00:58:19.000 And you'd be like, yeah, we're rolling dirty over there.

00:58:23.000 What do you think?

00:58:24.000 You think we're not rolling dirty?

00:58:25.000 It's weird, though.

00:58:27.000 Not shiny is in now.

00:58:29.000 People got tired of shiny.

00:58:30.000 Shiny's gross.

00:58:31.000 That's why I don't wash my car.

00:58:33.000 Really?

00:58:33.000 No.

00:58:34.000 I like shiny.

00:58:35.000 I like shiny.

00:58:36.000 You know what?

00:58:36.000 There's certain cars that look like spaceships to me when they're shiny.

00:58:40.000 I saw a Ferrari yesterday.

00:58:42.000 It was one of these new 458 Italias.

00:58:46.000 They look like...

00:58:47.000 It's like something from Battlestar Galactica.

00:58:49.000 It's got these crazy lights down the side.

00:58:52.000 It's like $300,000.

00:58:54.000 That's about the right amount to spend on a car.

00:58:56.000 It's a house.

00:58:56.000 It's transportation.

00:58:57.000 But it's not, dude.

00:58:59.000 It's not. 1.00

00:59:00.000 It's a goddamn ride everywhere you go. 1.00

00:59:02.000 It's a wild, screaming ride that makes the most marvelous noise ever. 1.00

00:59:08.000 Those Italians, they have this fucking giant engine. 1.00

00:59:12.000 Yeah, that's the good part of Italians. 1.00

00:59:14.000 And it's like, yeah, but I'm sure it breaks down like crazy.

00:59:17.000 My people are not to be trusted with meticulous details of things.

00:59:22.000 They're not good at that.

00:59:23.000 They're good at the passion.

00:59:24.000 They're good at the crazy thing and impulsive stuff.

00:59:26.000 But it has this noise.

00:59:27.000 It drove by me.

00:59:28.000 It's like...

00:59:31.000 It's like this wild animal noise, man.

00:59:35.000 It's just such a beautiful, passionate noise.

00:59:37.000 But $300,000.

00:59:39.000 And it looks like a spaceship.

00:59:41.000 You know, like the cars they're coming out with today, they're slowly starting to look like what we thought cars would look like in the future.

00:59:48.000 You know, for a while, they'd be like, you know, like Ford Festiva. 0.99

00:59:51.000 What the fuck is this? 0.99

00:59:51.000 This is not space. 0.99

00:59:52.000 This is not interesting. 0.90

00:59:54.000 This is just some shitty looking box that you've created.

00:59:57.000 You know, the older cars and older Toyotas and Chevys. 0.96

01:00:00.000 Yeah, they're bad.

01:00:01.000 Those Mustangs for a while.

01:00:01.000 A lot of terrible shapes, man.

01:00:03.000 But now, they're finally figuring out a way to, like, make cars look like they should look in the future.

01:00:09.000 Everything except hybrids. 1.00

01:00:12.000 Yeah, they still look like shit. 1.00

01:00:13.000 Except those Fiskars. 0.99

01:00:15.000 Have you seen the Fiskars? 0.90

01:00:16.000 Fiskars, I believe it's a Dutch company, and they've created the first, I think they're electric.

01:00:22.000 I think one of them may be a hybrid and one of them is fully electric, but they're really cool shapes.

01:00:27.000 They're really wild looking.

01:00:29.000 They have a sports car version of it, and they have a big badass sedan version.

01:00:34.000 It looks almost like a Maserati.

01:00:36.000 I'm just waiting until they get up to about 300 or 400 miles per hour range.

01:00:40.000 Once I get that.

01:00:41.000 Yeah, they're not quite there yet.

01:00:42.000 Well, the real issue with them is, with these electric cars, is conflict minerals.

01:00:46.000 The real issue is there's only a limited amount.

01:00:48.000 Well, lithium ion is what you need to make those batteries. 0.99

01:00:52.000 And there's not a lot of that shit around. 0.98

01:00:53.000 And you've got to get it from places where people work for slavery. 0.99

01:00:56.000 Oh, really?

01:00:57.000 Yeah, most of it's coming from the Congo.

01:00:59.000 Isn't that what's in batteries?

01:01:00.000 In regular batteries?

01:01:01.000 Lithium-ion, yeah.

01:01:02.000 And laptops, everything.

01:01:04.000 Conflict minerals are one of the biggest crises.

01:01:06.000 Conflict minerals.

01:01:07.000 Rechargeable?

01:01:08.000 No, the idea is they come from Afghanistan, they come from the Congo.

01:01:11.000 Oh, from conflict places.

01:01:13.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:01:14.000 Like blood diamonds.

01:01:14.000 Yeah, well, what people don't realize, you know, when you think about, like, you think about a laptop.

01:01:20.000 There's a chain of things that has to happen and be put in place in order to create this laptop.

01:01:25.000 And at the very end of the chain, this is going to be crazy.

01:01:29.000 It's going to be hard for you to wrap your head around.

01:01:30.000 But at the very end of the chain, the very end is a kid in Africa sticking a metal rod into the ground and chipping away rocks. 0.95

01:01:39.000 Yeah.

01:01:39.000 Like, literally.

01:01:40.000 They're mining.

01:01:41.000 Really?

01:01:42.000 Like, that's what they're doing, yeah.

01:01:43.000 They're little kids.

01:01:44.000 That's lithium-ion?

01:01:45.000 Mm-hmm.

01:01:46.000 It's Coltrane for cell phones.

01:01:47.000 Oh, that's so sad to think about.

01:01:49.000 And we all just say we'll put up with that?

01:01:51.000 Well, no.

01:01:52.000 Because we want our stuff.

01:01:52.000 People are trying to do things about that, but first of all, going to the Congo is very...

01:01:57.000 Very fucking dangerous. 0.91

01:01:58.000 Nobody wants to do that. 0.99

01:02:00.000 And, you know, you want to go into Afghanistan? 0.99

01:02:02.000 Jesus Christ, that's fucking dangerous too. 0.98

01:02:04.000 So it's like, you only have so many different ways of dealing with the situation. 0.99

01:02:08.000 And obviously someone's in control over these minerals.

01:02:11.000 I don't know what companies they are specifically, but I know those companies must be making an ungodly amount of money.

01:02:19.000 They estimated that there's more than $1 trillion in unfound minerals in Afghanistan that they've discovered.

01:02:25.000 What?

01:02:26.000 Yeah, over a trillion in the mountains.

01:02:28.000 So they've known about this.

01:02:29.000 So they're just going to chip away at the mountains until it's all sold?

01:02:32.000 I don't know.

01:02:33.000 Once they start extracting it, then it becomes a big issue of who's getting this money?

01:02:37.000 Who's in control of this situation?

01:02:39.000 Who's in control of this piece of land?

01:02:41.000 We are, right?

01:02:41.000 It's a huge...

01:02:42.000 Not really, no.

01:02:44.000 I mean, it's a huge factor in...

01:02:47.000 The reason why we're over there in Afghanistan in the first place, economically, that place is worth...

01:02:52.000 If the future is in technology, and we're pretty sure it is, it's not like technology is going to stop.

01:02:58.000 It's not like we're going to stop evolving it.

01:03:00.000 We're going to need minerals.

01:03:02.000 We're going to need these conflict minerals. 0.99

01:03:03.000 I haven't even considered that.

01:03:04.000 Yeah.

01:03:04.000 It's a big issue.

01:03:06.000 What do you think of that guy who shot up all those people in Afghanistan?

01:03:09.000 Well, that guy, I read a whole story about him.

01:03:11.000 If you don't know who he is, he killed, I think it was 14 people?

01:03:16.000 Maybe 16, 9 of them were children.

01:03:18.000 9 of them were children.

01:03:19.000 Went into their homes.

01:03:20.000 Yeah, went into their homes and just gunned them down.

01:03:22.000 He was a U.S. soldier.

01:03:23.000 He was a soldier, and he was a soldier that quit his job in 2001 and signed up for the Army after September 11th.

01:03:30.000 Really?

01:03:32.000 And they've still kept him in?

01:03:33.000 Didn't he not want to go on this last tour?

01:03:34.000 Exactly.

01:03:35.000 Did it for all the right reasons.

01:03:37.000 Did it because he wanted to protect his country and defend his country.

01:03:41.000 And thought, you know, this is my time to step up and contribute to America.

01:03:46.000 And by all accounts for the longest time was like the greatest guy was the life of the party but he started after his first couple tours he went to Iraq he'd been shot in Iraq and then he did not want to go to Afghanistan thought he was gonna get a promotion and he started thought he was gonna get a better job back home be able to come back home And he was denied that.

01:04:07.000 Yeah, he knew that for his family or whatever.

01:04:10.000 And his family is back home.

01:04:11.000 He has two kids.

01:04:12.000 And his house, apparently, they had to put it up for sale.

01:04:15.000 And the people that went to look at his house was in complete disarray.

01:04:18.000 He was becoming an alcoholic.

01:04:20.000 Oh, really?

01:04:21.000 Yeah.

01:04:21.000 Listen, man.

01:04:22.000 The fucking pressure of what these guys go through. 0.99

01:04:25.000 To ask anyone to do it ever is crazy. 0.99

01:04:27.000 To ask anyone to repeatedly do it over and over again when they don't want to do it anymore is nuts.

01:04:32.000 I mean, this guy was, up until a certain point in time, a hero.

01:04:35.000 And then he became a monster.

01:04:37.000 Yeah, the weird thing is people are sort of like seeing this.

01:04:40.000 Like, what are we doing to these guys?

01:04:41.000 And it almost seems as if we're like apologizing for his behavior.

01:04:44.000 And it's like, no, what he did was completely wrong and horrible.

01:04:47.000 But let's also examine what puts a guy in this position.

01:04:50.000 Just like a little bit.

01:04:52.000 You're totally right.

01:04:53.000 It's so complex.

01:04:54.000 I don't murder kids. 1.00

01:04:55.000 You're a piece of shit, you should die. 1.00

01:04:58.000 He became a piece of shit and he should die. 1.00

01:05:00.000 But how did he become a piece of shit? 1.00

01:05:01.000 Yeah, we did that. 1.00

01:05:02.000 We trained at a talk dog. 1.00

01:05:03.000 It's horrible that that guy became a piece of shit. 1.00

01:05:05.000 It's horrible that he was forced into this terrible, terrible, unspeakable, unthinkable situation where he was seeing people die. 1.00

01:05:14.000 He watched a good friend get his leg blown off that day.

01:05:17.000 Really?

01:05:18.000 Yeah, he had watched the guy get his leg blown off that day and then went drunk and went on a rampage. 1.00

01:05:25.000 That's when he lost his shit. 0.99

01:05:26.000 He, you know, the guy was in trouble, you know, and what they're saying is, had they not recognized this, I think because everybody's in trouble over there! 1.00

01:05:34.000 They're all in war!

01:05:35.000 Suicides are up there, though.

01:05:37.000 Like 80%?

01:05:38.000 It's crazy.

01:05:38.000 More soldiers have died at one point in time.

01:05:42.000 I don't know if it's still the case, but more soldiers had died from suicide than had died from combat.

01:05:47.000 Over there?

01:05:47.000 Yeah.

01:05:48.000 No way.

01:05:48.000 It was at one point in time it was.

01:05:50.000 Suicides in...

01:05:51.000 It was at least in Afghanistan it was.

01:05:54.000 No, that can't be true.

01:05:56.000 Yeah, it sounds like it wouldn't be, right?

01:05:57.000 Yeah.

01:05:58.000 I better not have made that up.

01:06:00.000 So what about, how do I put phrases?

01:06:03.000 Suicides, soldiers.

01:06:04.000 Total suicides, conflict, Gulf War, Meta, death squad.

01:06:09.000 Oh, garden. 0.97

01:06:10.000 Butthole.

01:06:11.000 Casualties are...

01:06:13.000 No way.

01:06:14.000 That would shock me.

01:06:16.000 Yeah.

01:06:17.000 I'll have to find out.

01:06:18.000 Suicide claims more US military lives than Afghan war.

01:06:21.000 Yep.

01:06:22.000 Suicide claims...

01:06:23.000 Yep.

01:06:24.000 They've killed more soldiers.

01:06:26.000 American military personnel are continuing to take their own lives in unprecedented numbers.

01:06:31.000 As the war in Afghanistan and Iraq drag on, by as late November, at least 334 members of the armed forces had committed suicide in 2009, and more than 319 who were also killed in Afghanistan, or more than the 319 who were killed in Afghanistan, or the 150 who died in Iraq.

01:06:49.000 Wow.

01:06:49.000 2009. Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

01:06:51.000 That was at one point in time.

01:06:52.000 This is 2010. More had died.

01:06:54.000 More had died by suicide.

01:06:57.000 More soldiers killed themselves than were killed in combat.

01:07:01.000 Yes.

01:07:02.000 Okay, wow.

01:07:03.000 Two years in a row.

01:07:04.000 But that includes like American soldiers and stuff?

01:07:06.000 Like still over here?

01:07:08.000 It's all American soldiers. 0.86

01:07:09.000 No, I'm saying still people over here?

01:07:11.000 Or is that all people over there that were committing suicide?

01:07:14.000 You know what I mean?

01:07:15.000 Yeah.

01:07:15.000 Is it soldiers stationed in Hawaii?

01:07:17.000 Soldiers period.

01:07:19.000 It just says American military personnel.

01:07:21.000 That might be...

01:07:22.000 It's still a lot.

01:07:22.000 I think it's most of them that are over there, man.

01:07:25.000 I think a lot of them have the same problems when they come back here, too.

01:07:28.000 Yeah, it's got to be most of them there.

01:07:29.000 Or have done time over there, yeah.

01:07:30.000 Yeah, the traumatic stress disorder.

01:07:31.000 That's so many.

01:07:32.000 Yeah.

01:07:33.000 I mean, I was hoping I didn't make it up.

01:07:35.000 Whoa.

01:07:36.000 That's crazy.

01:07:37.000 Wow.

01:07:38.000 Listen to this.

01:07:40.000 Before 2001, the Army rarely suffered 10 suicides per 100,000 soldiers.

01:07:47.000 Now the Army suicide rate is 20 per 100,000.

01:07:51.000 It's higher than the registered among males 19 to 29, gender age bracket, the highest rate among the general population.

01:07:58.000 Wow.

01:07:59.000 So, look, man.

01:08:00.000 It's obviously... 0.99

01:08:00.000 It's fucking terrible over there. 0.99

01:08:02.000 And why? 0.99

01:08:03.000 Why is it terrible over there?

01:08:05.000 Oh, there you go, man. 1.00

01:08:06.000 Talking about shit you don't know. 1.00

01:08:09.000 While this fucking country is the baddest country in the world. 1.00

01:08:14.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:08:15.000 I don't know.

01:08:15.000 I just know what I read.

01:08:15.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:08:16.000 I'm asking.

01:08:16.000 I know what I read.

01:08:17.000 So, what's the problem?

01:08:19.000 What I read is someone is doing something really bad.

01:08:22.000 Did you watch the firefight?

01:08:24.000 Did you see the video of the first person shooter helmet cam firefight?

01:08:28.000 No.

01:08:29.000 Dude, pull that up. 1.00

01:08:30.000 It's crazy.

01:08:31.000 Really?

01:08:31.000 Yeah, helmet cam firefight.

01:08:35.000 They have a video of a dude in Afghanistan.

01:08:38.000 Oh, and by the way, I got a message from a guy on Twitter saying that him and his boys who are over there in the military in Afghanistan listen to the show all the time. 0.99

01:08:49.000 So I want to say, if you're over there, man, stay safe and get the fuck out of there. 1.00

01:08:53.000 Don't kill yourself. 1.00

01:08:54.000 Get the fuck out of there as quickly as you can. 1.00

01:08:57.000 And, you know, Godspeed. 1.00

01:08:59.000 And if you do get home and you got some shit fucking with you, apparently they've been doing a lot of studies on post-traumatic stress disorder and MDMA. So look into that. 0.99

01:09:08.000 Look into, if you have post-traumatic stress disorder, there's a lot of studies now that are suggesting that you can get over it much more effectively with MDMA. Really?

01:09:18.000 Which is ecstasy.

01:09:19.000 I mean, ecstasy is the street name for it.

01:09:21.000 Yeah, there's a lot of people that are taking ecstasy and they're administering it to soldiers coming back for therapy.

01:09:28.000 Wow.

01:09:29.000 Well, you know, it gives you such a loving feeling that you can abandon all these terrible feelings of war.

01:09:33.000 Well, definitely, if it was like, if you're having those feelings, like, seek a therapist.

01:09:36.000 Yes.

01:09:36.000 Because your mind is sort of messed up a little, so you're not thinking straight.

01:09:39.000 Absolutely.

01:09:39.000 So those thoughts you get of, like, let me just do this.

01:09:41.000 Yeah, and you've got to be real careful about traumatic brain injuries.

01:09:45.000 Another thing that happened to this guy, he had a traumatic brain injury, a truck accident, a truck flipped, and he had a significant enough injury that they called it a traumatic brain injury.

01:09:58.000 I don't know the extent of it, but I do know from dealing with fighters...

01:10:02.000 And he committed suicide?

01:10:03.000 No, this is the guy that killed everybody.

01:10:05.000 Oh, that guy.

01:10:06.000 Yeah.

01:10:06.000 Okay.

01:10:07.000 It fucks with your judgment. 0.99

01:10:09.000 Unquestionably, it fucks with your judgment. 0.86

01:10:10.000 And your ability can be, in as little as, you know, a couple, like hard concussions, just in your life, a couple, can really deteriorate your ability to shake.

01:10:21.000 Some high school football players committed suicide, and they think that concussions can lead you to, like...

01:10:25.000 Unquestionably.

01:10:26.000 Real big brain failures if you don't really relax after them.

01:10:28.000 Well, especially these guys who have concussions and then jump right back in the game and get multiple concussions in the same day.

01:10:34.000 That happens.

01:10:34.000 They said after a concussion, you shouldn't even listen to loud music or anything.

01:10:37.000 Yeah.

01:10:37.000 You shouldn't watch crazy TV. You should just sit there and read a book, do nothing.

01:10:40.000 Yeah, you have to heal up your fucking brain, man. 1.00

01:10:43.000 And there's not a whole lot of different things that they can do to help you other than time and nootropics, too. 1.00

01:10:49.000 It's one of the things they do.

01:10:50.000 They give them a lot of different nutrients.

01:10:53.000 Like Bill Romanowski has a whole line based on that.

01:10:57.000 It's called Neuro One.

01:10:58.000 And this is one of the first nootropics I ever got into.

01:11:01.000 No Name told us about it.

01:11:02.000 Remember when we were up in San Francisco on Sarah No Name on the Alice Morning Show?

01:11:07.000 Yeah.

01:11:08.000 Great radio show that doesn't exist anymore.

01:11:10.000 They were awesome together.

01:11:11.000 They're done.

01:11:12.000 They split up. 0.91

01:11:13.000 The last time we did No Names, when I made him drink his piss.

01:11:16.000 It was just No Name.

01:11:17.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:18.000 Yeah.

01:11:19.000 But my point was that he was working out with this Romanowski guy.

01:11:23.000 Romanowski has suffered a ton of concussions.

01:11:25.000 He's had many, multiple, multiple concussions.

01:11:28.000 And he started looking into different nutrients that can aid his brain, his recovery.

01:11:37.000 And he created his own line called Neuro One.

01:11:39.000 That's cool.

01:11:40.000 I used to take it all the time before I played video games.

01:11:43.000 Really?

01:11:44.000 Yeah.

01:11:44.000 I used to take it all the time.

01:11:45.000 That's one of the things that Mayhem said about AlphaBrain.

01:11:48.000 That's what Mayhem Miller said.

01:11:49.000 That's why I knew AlphaBrain's legit, dude.

01:11:51.000 He goes, I took it, and he goes, I was on fire when I was playing video games. 0.97

01:11:54.000 I was fucking people up. 0.96

01:11:56.000 But I take it before I play pool. 1.00

01:11:59.000 I would take Romanowski shit before I play pool. 0.99

01:12:00.000 Really? 1.00

01:12:00.000 Concentration stuff? 1.00

01:12:01.000 Yeah.

01:12:01.000 Romanowski stuff tastes good, too.

01:12:03.000 It's...

01:12:03.000 Remember when he got caught taking pictures with B.B. Jones?

01:12:06.000 With who?

01:12:06.000 B.B. Jones.

01:12:07.000 Who's B.B. Jones?

01:12:08.000 Porn star. 0.99

01:12:09.000 Really?

01:12:10.000 Oh, that was Gronkowski.

01:12:11.000 Sorry.

01:12:12.000 Gronkowski?

01:12:13.000 Yeah.

01:12:14.000 My fault. 0.94

01:12:15.000 What the hell is he talking about? 0.91

01:12:16.000 I don't know what he's talking about.

01:12:17.000 Bill Romanowski is a different guy, I think.

01:12:18.000 Yeah.

01:12:19.000 He's a famous football player.

01:12:20.000 Oh, I thought you said you got caught.

01:12:21.000 No, Gronkowski is a football player, too.

01:12:22.000 I just got to mix it up.

01:12:23.000 Yeah, I see what you're saying.

01:12:24.000 Yeah, Gronkowski, Romanowski.

01:12:26.000 I hear you don't like white people.

01:12:27.000 It's like, what are you doing? 1.00

01:12:29.000 You're the worst of the whites. 1.00

01:12:32.000 Tell your friends not to do that anymore. 1.00

01:12:33.000 Just tell them not to.

01:12:34.000 Tell him not to do... 0.60

01:12:36.000 Black on black on black.

01:12:37.000 Bud, I mean.

01:12:38.000 Bud, yeah.

01:12:39.000 No, Bud never wears anything but black and he won't listen to you.

01:12:42.000 He's a dangerous man.

01:12:43.000 You don't understand. 0.99

01:12:44.000 He's the man in black.

01:12:45.000 You don't get it.

01:12:46.000 Johnny Cash did it okay.

01:12:47.000 Dude, he has a black American Express card. 0.99

01:12:49.000 I shit you not. 0.99

01:12:52.000 Really? 1.00

01:12:52.000 Because he loves it that much? 1.00

01:12:53.000 Drives a black Cadillac with blacked out windows.

01:12:56.000 Why, is he gone? 0.95

01:12:57.000 He's not a douchebag either.

01:12:58.000 He's a nice guy, believe it or not.

01:12:59.000 Then why does he have to do that?

01:13:01.000 He knows people that are in black ops.

01:13:04.000 So what?

01:13:05.000 Might change your life over it.

01:13:07.000 I don't know.

01:13:08.000 It's just this thing, man.

01:13:09.000 I don't know.

01:13:09.000 Yeah, it's odd.

01:13:11.000 He's an odd dude.

01:13:12.000 He just decided at one point in time to wear all black.

01:13:14.000 And then you never switched. 0.99

01:13:15.000 Some people don't like looking silly, man. 0.99

01:13:17.000 They don't like looking silly. 0.98

01:13:18.000 Shows come too easy. 0.85

01:13:20.000 What is it?

01:13:20.000 No, there's a specific type of black and blue.

01:13:22.000 Shows come too easy.

01:13:23.000 I can't do it all black all the time. 0.91

01:13:25.000 That would be gross.

01:13:25.000 Shows come too easy?

01:13:27.000 You smear come all over yourself.

01:13:29.000 What are you just coming all over yourself?

01:13:30.000 No, but you know, you come a little and it'll definitely get on your pants or shirt.

01:13:36.000 Yeah, that's a good point, man.

01:13:38.000 I see what you're saying.

01:13:40.000 I wear a lot of white. 0.98

01:13:43.000 I'm just trying to hide cum, essentially. 0.61

01:13:48.000 Have you ever... 0.83

01:13:48.000 Yeah, you've done it. 0.83

01:13:49.000 You've heard a bit about it. 0.99

01:13:51.000 What, cum on myself? 0.98

01:13:51.000 No, no, like where you look down and you're like, dude, this shirt's got so much cum on it. 0.98

01:13:55.000 Yeah, well, I used to have a bit about how I would just wear that shirt outside the house.

01:13:59.000 There was these two door guys.

01:14:01.000 It happens a lot.

01:14:01.000 Yeah, if anybody would say, what's on your shirt?

01:14:03.000 What the fuck do you think it is, bitch? 1.00

01:14:06.000 It's white and it's crusty and it's right near my dick. 1.00

01:14:08.000 What's up? 0.99

01:14:10.000 It happens more than I think most people.

01:14:14.000 Do you feel like it happens more with you?

01:14:16.000 I feel like it happens. 0.98

01:14:17.000 How often are you jerking off on your shirt? 0.97

01:14:18.000 No, I mean, I'm out and I see it more than... 0.99

01:14:21.000 Oh, like you had sex and there was a shirt nearby. 0.99

01:14:24.000 Do you have sex with your clothes on? 0.99

01:14:25.000 No, no, but I definitely... 0.99

01:14:26.000 Do you take your shirt off?

01:14:28.000 If it's at night, I'm just like, I gotta wipe this off and I grab a shirt and then forget.

01:14:31.000 And then like two weeks later, I pick up this t-shirt.

01:14:34.000 You pick up t-shirts off the floor and wear them?

01:14:36.000 No, they float in the air.

01:14:37.000 Why would you pick a station on the floor where they're dirty?

01:14:45.000 No, see, I think shirts have an hour life, kind of.

01:14:49.000 I think somebody else talked about this to me once, and I totally agree with them.

01:14:52.000 When do you wear shirts for an hour?

01:14:53.000 Brian Jarvis.

01:14:55.000 So if I have a shirt, like I wear this shirt right now, if I take it off in an hour or so and put it on the floor or whatever, I think I could still wear it again because I've only worn it for two hours.

01:15:04.000 I wore the same shirt Friday and Saturday night.

01:15:06.000 T-shirt?

01:15:07.000 Yes, but not really.

01:15:08.000 It was a t-shirt over a flannel, or over a thermal, rather.

01:15:11.000 The thermal you were wearing?

01:15:12.000 Yeah, the reason I did it was because Saturday night was Fitzsimmons Irish show, and I'm like, I gotta wear green.

01:15:16.000 I have to wear green.

01:15:17.000 But the t-shirt you changed.

01:15:19.000 No, the t-shirt I kept on.

01:15:20.000 I wore the thermal underneath.

01:15:22.000 So the t-shirt was not on my body.

01:15:24.000 It just touched the thermal.

01:15:26.000 I just did it because I only had one.

01:15:28.000 Plus, it's a dope shirt.

01:15:30.000 Which one?

01:15:31.000 It's a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Gracie Academy.

01:15:34.000 Have you seen it?

01:15:36.000 In Portuguese.

01:15:37.000 With that green sign on it?

01:15:39.000 The Brazil?

01:15:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:15:40.000 It's like real faded.

01:15:41.000 It's this Roots of Fight line.

01:15:43.000 They have a whole line of like...

01:15:44.000 Have you seen Eddie with the Bruce Lee Kung Fu shirt?

01:15:47.000 I think so.

01:15:48.000 Yeah, I always loved it because it was like the name of Bruce Lee's first Kung Fu school that he had when he came to America.

01:15:54.000 Oh, really?

01:15:54.000 Yeah, and it's really badass.

01:15:56.000 And so I went to their website and they had a bunch of fucking cool shit. 0.98

01:16:00.000 And so I bought this old school Gracie Academy one. 0.99

01:16:03.000 And then I got this one on right now.

01:16:04.000 The one that I'm wearing right now.

01:16:06.000 This was Hickson versus Kimura.

01:16:10.000 Or excuse me, not Hickson.

01:16:12.000 Helio.

01:16:12.000 Hickson's dad.

01:16:13.000 Hickson's the main guy.

01:16:14.000 The originator.

01:16:15.000 Excuse me.

01:16:16.000 Helio versus Kimura from 1951. That's cool.

01:16:20.000 I own zero Gracie clothes.

01:16:22.000 Zero?

01:16:23.000 Zero. 1.00

01:16:23.000 Yeah, you had some tap out shit that you used to rock every now and then. 1.00

01:16:27.000 I used to. 0.99

01:16:28.000 I used to.

01:16:28.000 And then when I saw a homeless guy wearing a tap out shirt, I was like, this might be too mainstream now.

01:16:33.000 I saw a homeless guy in an Ed Hardy shirt.

01:16:35.000 Really?

01:16:35.000 Yeah.

01:16:37.000 Some homeless guy today cheered me on.

01:16:39.000 I went through a red light.

01:16:40.000 Did they think you were the Great Space Coaster?

01:16:42.000 No, I thought I was going to go through it.

01:16:44.000 Like I'm taking him out to another dimension.

01:16:46.000 I was going to go through it.

01:16:47.000 It's like yellow.

01:16:48.000 I'm like, nah, I'll just run this one.

01:16:49.000 Were you wearing that sweater?

01:16:50.000 I was wearing the sweater.

01:16:50.000 But he starts doing the fist pump.

01:16:52.000 And as I go through, he goes, yeah!

01:16:55.000 He gets me with the fingers.

01:16:56.000 And I was like, yeah, man.

01:16:57.000 Did they think you were the Nyan Cat?

01:16:59.000 Where's your toast?

01:17:00.000 It makes you think that there's so lot of homeless guys who probably could have been kind of cool in any other era.

01:17:05.000 Maybe they might not have been homeless.

01:17:07.000 Maybe if they grew up in the 60s, they would have skated through and actually been okay and got a job.

01:17:11.000 They must have some parts of them that are okay.

01:17:14.000 Maybe 100% homeless.

01:17:15.000 There's a lot of people becoming homeless now, though, man.

01:17:17.000 This is a tricky time.

01:17:19.000 There's more homeless people now, I bet.

01:17:21.000 Yeah.

01:17:22.000 There's actually people that I know that are homeless, like comics, and it kind of creeps me out.

01:17:27.000 Are they couchsurfing?

01:17:28.000 Yeah.

01:17:29.000 That's not really homeless.

01:17:30.000 That's homeless, dude.

01:17:31.000 That's not having a house.

01:17:32.000 It is a little, and it sucks when you have one of those guys that lives in your house and you're never going to get them out.

01:17:37.000 Yeah.

01:17:37.000 It makes me sad, especially since a couple of them are girls, and it's like, oh, you poor girls.

01:17:42.000 It's come to my lair.

01:17:44.000 It's come to me.

01:17:45.000 Oh, Brian.

01:17:46.000 You're getting dark on us.

01:17:47.000 Did you put that out there on purpose, hoping to attract some females?

01:17:50.000 No, because that's scary.

01:17:52.000 You're right. 1.00

01:17:52.000 No, that's scary, because those couch surfers, they must have stinky-ass pussies, don't you think? 1.00

01:17:56.000 Because they probably don't want to use the shower as much, because they don't want to get in people's hair. 0.99

01:18:00.000 You know what I mean?

01:18:01.000 They wake up early and probably go out for the day.

01:18:03.000 The girls you're talking about?

01:18:04.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:18:05.000 Or people that couch surf.

01:18:06.000 I've never had a couch surfer.

01:18:07.000 I would just imagine that they would want to leave and get out of your hair and not really bug you.

01:18:11.000 Okay, so someone who's only crashing couch, they don't have a bedroom in your house.

01:18:15.000 I've only had people stay at my...

01:18:16.000 I kind of had my friend Johnny stayed on my couch for a little bit back in New York, but most of the people that have stayed with me, they stayed in that extra room.

01:18:24.000 I stayed for a week.

01:18:24.000 Yeah, Duncan and Tate lived here.

01:18:27.000 Yeah.

01:18:27.000 Tate lived here for months.

01:18:29.000 But it's great.

01:18:29.000 It's great if you have a friend who's staying with you and it's only for a short period of time.

01:18:35.000 It's cool.

01:18:36.000 I loved having both those guys here.

01:18:38.000 It was fun.

01:18:38.000 It was cool.

01:18:39.000 Just have a buddy.

01:18:41.000 You come home, your buddy's watching TV at your house.

01:18:43.000 Well, you have a good house for it.

01:18:44.000 Yeah, it's nice and segmented.

01:18:46.000 Kurt Metzger stays with me when he comes to town.

01:18:48.000 Yeah, he's a great guy.

01:18:49.000 He's perfect.

01:18:50.000 You're excited about it.

01:18:51.000 Yeah, it's fun.

01:18:53.000 Yeah.

01:18:53.000 It'd be cool to live with Bert and Tom Segura.

01:18:55.000 Except they have families, you fuck. 1.00

01:18:57.000 No, they'd be the mommy and dad. 1.00

01:18:58.000 I want to be your baby.

01:19:00.000 That'd be so fun.

01:19:01.000 They'd be the mom and dad and you'd stay outside.

01:19:02.000 You mean just live with them?

01:19:03.000 Just live with them.

01:19:04.000 Like they were roommates?

01:19:05.000 If you could break their marriages up, dude, we could make it happen.

01:19:08.000 Let's get it going.

01:19:11.000 All you have to do is break them up, man. 1.00

01:19:12.000 They're happily married and shit, but whatever. 1.00

01:19:14.000 They don't even know what's best for them. 0.97

01:19:16.000 I did a podcast with Christina Brzezinski and I thought I deleted it by accident before I marked it.

01:19:21.000 I was so upset. 0.96

01:19:22.000 She's funny as fuck, man. 1.00

01:19:24.000 That's Tom Segura's wife for the... 1.00

01:19:27.000 Did you guys kiss?

01:19:27.000 No, we did not kiss.

01:19:29.000 Did you ask her to smell it?

01:19:30.000 I did ask her to smell it. 1.00

01:19:32.000 Smell my cock real quick? 1.00

01:19:33.000 No, no, my finger. 1.00

01:19:34.000 I like that bit you do.

01:19:36.000 Do you still do that bit about the doctor? 1.00

01:19:38.000 About getting your penis checked out? 0.99

01:19:40.000 The one that never made it. 1.00

01:19:41.000 Never made it?

01:19:42.000 Yeah.

01:19:43.000 That's why I need to record an album.

01:19:44.000 I forgot about that.

01:19:45.000 I forgot about that.

01:19:46.000 Yeah.

01:19:46.000 Ari had, can I tell it?

01:19:47.000 Yeah, yeah, go for it.

01:19:48.000 Ari had this bit where he would, did you have a, was she an attractive woman doctor? 1.00

01:19:52.000 She was an Asian.

01:19:53.000 She was an Asian doctor. 1.00

01:19:54.000 Attractive woman doctor was looking at his dick because he had like some sort of lesion on it. 1.00

01:19:58.000 Something. 0.99

01:19:58.000 It was an ingrown hair. 0.99

01:19:59.000 Yeah.

01:20:00.000 Something going on. 1.00

01:20:01.000 And he just thought for a second about grabbing the back of her head while she was down on her knees looking at his dick. 1.00

01:20:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:20:08.000 And then he goes like, oh, she would be like, oh, finally a real man.

01:20:12.000 A real man took a chance, that's right. 0.74

01:20:14.000 I was like, I don't want to because you're going to be mad, but what if she'd be into it?

01:20:18.000 Yes!

01:20:20.000 That's the problem. 1.00

01:20:21.000 That's what kept Clinton alive during those fucking years in the White House. 1.00

01:20:25.000 Clinton was just whipping it out. 1.00

01:20:28.000 Yeah.

01:20:29.000 How many of the presidents do you think were like that?

01:20:32.000 Oh, so many! 0.99

01:20:33.000 There's a book coming out that says Nixon's gay. 0.98

01:20:35.000 Not only is it gay, they named the guy he was gay with. 0.80

01:20:39.000 He had a long-term relationship with this one man.

01:20:42.000 And then he took this guy with him everywhere.

01:20:45.000 There's a really cute Latino guy.

01:20:47.000 He took the guy with him everywhere.

01:20:48.000 That's possible.

01:20:49.000 I totally see that.

01:20:50.000 I see Joe Pesci playing him.

01:20:51.000 I barely remember when Liberace was like, he's got AIDS. No, not Liberace.

01:20:56.000 That other guy, Rock Hudson.

01:20:58.000 Yeah.

01:20:58.000 And people are like, what?

01:21:00.000 That's how I remember it.

01:21:01.000 Was he super gay beforehand?

01:21:02.000 He's just real handsome.

01:21:03.000 He was a real handsome movie star from the early days, and I think people just never believed.

01:21:08.000 No.

01:21:09.000 So there must be guys like that in Office 2. Of course.

01:21:11.000 So you just don't want to think about it because of the times?

01:21:14.000 Yeah.

01:21:14.000 But it's like, yeah.

01:21:15.000 They're pretty sure Nixon.

01:21:16.000 This guy's pretty sure.

01:21:17.000 He's going on a limb on this Nixon thing.

01:21:19.000 George Washington was good.

01:21:19.000 He's got a lot of photos of...

01:21:21.000 George Washington?

01:21:22.000 I wouldn't believe that.

01:21:23.000 Spread it.

01:21:24.000 Lincoln shared a bed with a man. 1.00

01:21:26.000 Fuck him! 1.00

01:21:26.000 But apparently it was common back then. 1.00

01:21:28.000 Really?

01:21:29.000 The rusty trombone.

01:21:30.000 It's common now. 0.85

01:21:30.000 It's called homosexuality. 0.85

01:21:32.000 Well, it's also... 1.00

01:21:32.000 They were cold as fuck. 1.00

01:21:34.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:21:34.000 I mean, Lincoln was living in a fucking house made out of sticks. 1.00

01:21:38.000 Yeah, that's right. 1.00

01:21:39.000 Built his own fucking house. 1.00

01:21:40.000 There's not much weatherproofing. 1.00

01:21:41.000 Yeah.

01:21:42.000 If you had to sleep with one president, who would it be? 1.00

01:21:44.000 Clinton, I bet he knows how to slam a dick. 1.00

01:21:47.000 That's good. 1.00

01:21:48.000 Plus, he might be willing to bring some girls into the equation. 1.00

01:21:50.000 You know, listen man, you can fuck me, but can we get some girls too? 1.00

01:21:53.000 Shit! 1.00

01:21:54.000 I was always attracted growing up to Andrew Jackson just because of his hair. 1.00

01:21:58.000 Andrew Jackson?

01:21:58.000 Yeah, on the $20 bill.

01:21:59.000 It was kind of cool.

01:22:00.000 Well, Washington had white teeth.

01:22:02.000 Yeah. 0.79

01:22:03.000 Like these crazy fake wooden teeth. 0.98

01:22:06.000 What do they call it when black people have them? 1.00

01:22:08.000 Caps? 0.88

01:22:08.000 No, he had dentures. 0.88

01:22:10.000 Oh, really?

01:22:10.000 Yeah, they were, you know, like one of the first early dentures.

01:22:13.000 You know, they didn't take care of their mouths back then. 1.00

01:22:16.000 People's mouths, their teeth would rot out of their fucking head. 1.00

01:22:18.000 They didn't know anything then. 1.00

01:22:19.000 No, they didn't know shit. 1.00

01:22:20.000 If you had his appendicitis, you would just die of that. 1.00

01:22:22.000 Dead.

01:22:23.000 And no one knows what it is. 0.93

01:22:24.000 It comes on within a week, you're dead.

01:22:25.000 Yeah.

01:22:26.000 They probably thought it was witchcraft. 0.93

01:22:29.000 All these people allergic to peanuts.

01:22:31.000 Oh, yeah.

01:22:32.000 They just die off.

01:22:33.000 Yeah.

01:22:34.000 Allergies to milk.

01:22:35.000 See?

01:22:36.000 Our technology has overcome nature's way of getting rid of those people.

01:22:40.000 Well, I mean, look.

01:22:41.000 The meek shall inherit the earth. 1.00

01:22:42.000 I mean, that, as a quote, it sounds silly. 0.85

01:22:45.000 It sounds biblical. 0.87

01:22:46.000 It sounds like, oh, yeah, sure they will.

01:22:50.000 Physically meek, but mentally strong.

01:22:53.000 Physically weak, but able to manifest all sorts of incredible things out of technology.

01:22:59.000 That's really what's going on.

01:23:00.000 And in manifesting all these incredible things out of technology, the body has less and less requirements physically.

01:23:06.000 So they become meek. 0.99

01:23:08.000 They become meek and their computers and technology become strong and they inherit the fucking earth. 1.00

01:23:13.000 It's that simple. 0.99

01:23:15.000 That's really what's happening.

01:23:16.000 That's what's going to happen. 0.99

01:23:18.000 And along the way they're going to figure out cures to every fucking disease. 1.00

01:23:21.000 Or the strong people will just start bashing the fuck out of the smart people. 0.99

01:23:27.000 That's possible too. 0.98

01:23:30.000 But then eventually they would breed smart people.

01:23:32.000 We're in a middle state right now because I wouldn't say it's the smartest people controlling the world right now. 0.99

01:23:36.000 It's just the cunts. 0.96

01:23:37.000 Smartest people I've ever been. 0.99

01:23:39.000 Smartest cunts. 0.87

01:23:40.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:23:40.000 But they're cunts. 1.00

01:23:41.000 They're really smart people like Bill Gates. 0.99

01:23:43.000 They're not really controlling the world.

01:23:45.000 I mean, they have a massive business and everything like that, but they're not directing overseas campaigns to get these minerals and fuck up governments.

01:23:51.000 No, you know what he's controlling, Bill Gates?

01:23:53.000 Curing malaria.

01:23:54.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:23:55.000 Fucking great things. 0.99

01:23:56.000 Great things. 0.99

01:23:56.000 He's just donating billions of dollars. 0.99

01:23:58.000 Isn't it amazing how...

01:23:59.000 Steve Jobs always got the reputation as being the cool guy who's green and great for the world.

01:24:04.000 Meanwhile, Bill Gates is the guy that's donating money for schools. 0.98

01:24:09.000 He's done crazy humanitarian shit. 0.98

01:24:11.000 Malaria Research Institute, or whatever it's called, they're like, we're done without him. 1.00

01:24:14.000 As soon as he stops giving, we're out.

01:24:16.000 That's amazing.

01:24:17.000 Have you seen his house?

01:24:18.000 Oh, no.

01:24:19.000 The all green thing?

01:24:20.000 Uh-uh.

01:24:20.000 What's it like?

01:24:21.000 Dude.

01:24:22.000 Oh, my God.

01:24:23.000 What's it like?

01:24:23.000 There's a design for it online.

01:24:25.000 It's fucking incredible. 0.98

01:24:27.000 It's built... 0.99

01:24:28.000 First of all, he has a submarine.

01:24:31.000 What?

01:24:32.000 That's what I said.

01:24:33.000 What? 1.00

01:24:34.000 He's got a door underneath his fucking house where he can, like, open up and... 1.00

01:24:39.000 What? 1.00

01:24:39.000 And bring the fucking submarine in. 1.00

01:24:41.000 Up? 1.00

01:24:41.000 Yes. 1.00

01:24:41.000 It's just not crazy. 1.00

01:24:42.000 Like, it opens.

01:24:43.000 He can bring it in and pull the submarine up.

01:24:45.000 Like in those old C-Lab shows or whatever when they came in?

01:24:47.000 I hope I didn't make this up.

01:24:48.000 What if he's just crazy?

01:24:49.000 Yeah, I got a door.

01:24:50.000 It's an incredible state-of-the-art building.

01:24:54.000 It's like a garage for a submarine.

01:24:56.000 Yeah, it's on like a sound.

01:24:57.000 It's on like the ocean or a lake or something like that. 1.00

01:25:00.000 And it's this amazing fucking house. 0.99

01:25:04.000 Like the top-of-the-line technology. 1.00

01:25:07.000 In every room, you walk in, you wear a pendant.

01:25:10.000 And the pendant gives your particular ID out to all these different sensors.

01:25:15.000 So as you enter a room, your particular lighting comes on, it goes to your temperature, your music starts playing.

01:25:25.000 So, wow.

01:25:26.000 That's pretty cool.

01:25:27.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:25:28.000 So you leave one room, I'll come in, it'll just change.

01:25:29.000 We're talking about Bill Gates' house. 1.00

01:25:35.000 You're such a fucking space case. 1.00

01:25:38.000 I was thinking about which president I wanted to fuck. 1.00

01:25:41.000 Yeah, Bill Gates is like that. 1.00

01:25:42.000 We were talking about Bill Gates. 1.00

01:25:43.000 I know, but I was still thinking about which president I wanted to fuck. 0.99

01:25:46.000 Dude, that happens on POTS sometimes if I'm talking to somebody and they'll be yapping and my mind will just go elsewhere. 0.99

01:25:50.000 I'll be like, hey...

01:25:52.000 Can you back up on 30 seconds?

01:25:53.000 I didn't hear any of this.

01:25:55.000 See, I was thinking like JFK because I don't know if it was just like the Instagram colored look of all the film that you see JFK in.

01:26:01.000 It's kind of cool.

01:26:02.000 But I think I would say Lincoln just for that.

01:26:03.000 Because that's kind of cool to sleep with Lincoln. 1.00

01:26:06.000 JFK, you know, JFK would probably be the most likely to fuck you. 1.00

01:26:09.000 He was living in crazy times. 1.00

01:26:10.000 You were allowed to fuck any of them. 1.00

01:26:12.000 JFK apparently was like the biggest freak of all time. 1.00

01:26:15.000 I already had a compound. 1.00

01:26:17.000 Oh, you would fuck them? 1.00

01:26:17.000 Physically fuck them? 1.00

01:26:18.000 Yeah, you would have to fuck them. 1.00

01:26:20.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:26:20.000 They got to fuck you, I thought. 1.00

01:26:21.000 Oh, you have to fuck them? 1.00

01:26:22.000 No, you have to fuck them. 1.00

01:26:23.000 Then Grover Cleveland, one of those fat guys. 1.00

01:26:25.000 I'm going to fuck them. 1.00

01:26:26.000 Nixon? 1.00

01:26:27.000 I'm going to fuck Nixon. 1.00

01:26:28.000 Well, I try to get the secrets out of him. 1.00

01:26:29.000 Just to fuck him. 1.00

01:26:30.000 Now, which one would you want to make love with? 1.00

01:26:32.000 I like it.

01:26:34.000 Lincoln, because he freed the slaves and he probably had already had experience with men.

01:26:39.000 Right.

01:26:40.000 Ari, what about you?

01:26:42.000 I mean, like...

01:26:44.000 We're trying to last as long as we can, right? 1.00

01:26:46.000 Whichever one you want to fuck, and everyone will know about it. 1.00

01:26:49.000 We're trying to enjoy this moment. 0.99

01:26:51.000 Are we going condom or no condom?

01:26:52.000 No condom.

01:26:53.000 This is love, bro.

01:26:55.000 This is love.

01:26:55.000 Plus, there were barely any diseases back then.

01:26:57.000 There were lighter diseases, but you had to scrape yourself free if you had something.

01:27:02.000 What did you do?

01:27:03.000 I don't know.

01:27:03.000 You had to reach up there with utensils.

01:27:05.000 They died!

01:27:06.000 Didn't Al Capone, didn't he die of syphilis?

01:27:08.000 Syphilis, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:27:09.000 That's right. 0.55

01:27:10.000 Yeah, syphilis would kill people.

01:27:12.000 Have you ever seen pictures of people who have really long-term or advanced syphilis?

01:27:18.000 It's horrible. 0.66

01:27:19.000 It's disgusting. 0.88

01:27:20.000 Yeah, it's an evil disease. 1.00

01:27:21.000 It's crazy that we give each other diseases by fucking. 1.00

01:27:23.000 It really is. 0.99

01:27:24.000 It just attacks that area.

01:27:26.000 Like a lot of them, that's the only way to get it.

01:27:28.000 You don't get herpes by shaking hands.

01:27:29.000 No.

01:27:30.000 But you can get flu by shaking hands. 1.00

01:27:32.000 If you shook a dick's hand, you probably could. 1.00

01:27:34.000 You shook a dick's hand? 1.00

01:27:36.000 Yeah, no. 1.00

01:27:37.000 If you actually touched a herpes dick or herpetic penis, you'd be fine. 1.00

01:27:41.000 No, if you had a cut on your finger. 0.99

01:27:42.000 No, there's no hand herpes.

01:27:44.000 Yeah, you're right.

01:27:45.000 There's no hand herpes.

01:27:46.000 You sure?

01:27:46.000 No, you wouldn't get it on your hand.

01:27:48.000 Lips and dick. 1.00

01:27:49.000 Lips and dick. 1.00

01:27:50.000 That's weird. 1.00

01:27:50.000 It has to be like an open area. 1.00

01:27:52.000 Why would that be?

01:27:52.000 I don't know, because those areas are...

01:27:54.000 Yeah, but the genital herpes, that's all over the place sometimes, right? 0.91

01:27:56.000 No, just in your genitals. 0.99

01:27:58.000 Really? 0.99

01:27:58.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:27:58.000 Just general area. 0.99

01:27:59.000 No, you can get it, like, in your legs, too.

01:28:01.000 In your legs? 0.94

01:28:02.000 You can get it in your eyeball.

01:28:03.000 Yeah, there's a type of it.

01:28:05.000 Yeah, and you can get it in your forehead, too.

01:28:05.000 There's, like, shingles, too, which is, like, another advanced form of herpes.

01:28:10.000 Yeah, it's a different kind of herpes. 1.00

01:28:11.000 You're a jerk. 1.00

01:28:11.000 The worst I ever got was warts. 1.00

01:28:13.000 I think you can get shingles on your back.

01:28:14.000 Those are going to just burn off.

01:28:15.000 Yeah, they cook those. 0.99

01:28:16.000 They cook them off.

01:28:16.000 But then you have that juice inside you forever.

01:28:18.000 You would fuck Obama when it comes out. 1.00

01:28:20.000 Obama? 1.00

01:28:20.000 You'd fuck Obama? 1.00

01:28:21.000 I just see Ari being wanting to... 1.00

01:28:23.000 Oh, I didn't consider Obama. 0.98

01:28:24.000 Yeah, you'd go black. 1.00

01:28:25.000 Yeah, you'd go black. 1.00

01:28:25.000 Of course! 1.00

01:28:26.000 I would get people off my back so much. 1.00

01:28:28.000 Did you see the video of the guy who claimed that he was Obama's lover and that they had shared oral sex? 1.00

01:28:34.000 No. 0.99

01:28:35.000 Really?

01:28:36.000 Yeah.

01:28:37.000 You ever heard this guy?

01:28:38.000 No.

01:28:38.000 Pull it up.

01:28:39.000 Pull it up.

01:28:39.000 I could see that.

01:28:40.000 Obama's gay lover. 0.99

01:28:41.000 Just pull up in Confessions of a Gay Obama Lover. 0.99

01:28:45.000 Confessions of a Gay Obama Lover? 1.00

01:28:47.000 Yeah, the guy was so ridiculous. 1.00

01:28:48.000 Damn, he's got a nice ass. 1.00

01:28:49.000 Does he? 1.00

01:28:50.000 Confession of Obama's Gay Lover? 1.00

01:28:53.000 He was, they were interviewing him about it, and he, it's just so ridiculous. 0.99

01:28:59.000 Yeah, that's the guy. 0.59

01:29:00.000 My name is Larry Sinclair.

01:29:02.000 You've got to first really get his team.

01:29:04.000 This is a Judge Apatow movie.

01:29:06.000 I flew out of Colorado Springs, Colorado to Chicago on November 2nd, 1999. Arriving in O'Hare early in the morning of November 3rd.

01:29:14.000 I went to the Chicago area to attend the graduation of my godson, my best friend's son, from basic training from the Great Lakes Navy Training Facility.

01:29:23.000 I made reservations at the Comfort Inn and Suites in Gurney, Illinois, based solely on the location to the training center.

01:29:30.000 On November 5, 1999, I hired the services of a five-star limousine.

01:29:36.000 Excuse me.

01:29:37.000 A lot of details on this guy's story.

01:29:38.000 I hired them both for November 5 and November 6 of 1999. On November 6, 1999, I asked the limo driver, whose name I now reveal for the first time, You just went out to pronounce it!

01:29:57.000 Mr. Mutani understood that I was looking for someone who knew Chicago and would enjoy socializing.

01:30:03.000 Mr. Mutani said he knew someone who was a friend of his.

01:30:08.000 On November 6, 1999, after picking me up at the hotel in Gurney, and this is significant, Mr. Mutani used his cell phone to make a call.

01:30:16.000 That call was made to then Illinois State Senator Barack Obama to set up an introduction between myself and Senator Obama.

01:30:24.000 Upon arriving at the bar and exiting the limo, Senator Obama... 0.97

01:30:27.000 Is he claiming to be a hooker? 0.99

01:30:30.000 Can you just hit the space bar? 0.99

01:30:32.000 No.

01:30:33.000 Doesn't work?

01:30:33.000 No.

01:30:35.000 Whoa, hold on.

01:30:36.000 Yeah.

01:30:37.000 What just happened? 1.00

01:30:38.000 The guy's saying that he fucked Obama. 0.99

01:30:40.000 And so he gave all those details in order to be corroborative? 1.00

01:30:43.000 Well, he gave all those details because he's a moron. 0.99

01:30:45.000 Yeah, it was such a long part of the story. 1.00

01:30:47.000 Kiss and tell, buddy.

01:30:48.000 Also, when you're doing a press conference, you have 20 minutes to kill.

01:30:51.000 So this guy called.

01:30:52.000 He got his limo driver to call. 0.99

01:30:54.000 Hey, show me some good dick. 1.00

01:30:56.000 And Obama's like, man, you let me know when someone's looking for dick. 1.00

01:30:59.000 Oh, you drive a limo? 1.00

01:31:00.000 Oh, you drive a limo? 1.00

01:31:01.000 Listen, I'm a senator, and I'm thinking about being a president, but if you see some dick, I'll abandon all that shit. 1.00

01:31:08.000 I don't believe it, though. 1.00

01:31:10.000 No, of course not! 1.00

01:31:11.000 The guy's nuts! 1.00

01:31:13.000 The guy, he reeks of being full of shit. 1.00

01:31:15.000 And he's not just like, we had a relationship in college, it's like... 1.00

01:31:18.000 He's a crazy person. 1.00

01:31:19.000 He's a random, like, call me up and I'll just fuck somebody? 1.00

01:31:22.000 That's... 1.00

01:31:22.000 Maybe. 1.00

01:31:23.000 Probably not.

01:31:24.000 The story is so preposterous.

01:31:26.000 What if it was real?

01:31:27.000 Do you think he took...

01:31:28.000 Abe Lincoln was a vampire. 0.98

01:31:29.000 Gay sounding lessons from the Republican convention like he has to act like this? 0.99

01:31:32.000 That would have ruined Obama. 0.99

01:31:34.000 I don't believe that it's real, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was real.

01:31:37.000 Yeah.

01:31:38.000 Because look at what happened with Clinton.

01:31:39.000 Who would have ever believed that there was a president, and he was, you know, in his 50s, and he was, you know, in the White House, and he was having a 20-year-old girl blow, and he was shooting loads on her dress.

01:31:49.000 Who would have believed that?

01:31:51.000 Yeah, no way.

01:31:52.000 Poppers. 0.72

01:31:53.000 Sucking a cigar in and out of her. 0.75

01:31:54.000 Who would have believed that he would have thought she would have kept her mouth shut? 1.00

01:31:59.000 I mean, come on.

01:32:00.000 She did.

01:32:00.000 It was the other one who dragged her in, right?

01:32:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:32:02.000 Wow. 0.99

01:32:03.000 The ugly friend. 0.98

01:32:04.000 Think about that position that he was in.

01:32:07.000 The President of the United States is literally at the top of the food chain of human beings on the planet.

01:32:13.000 As far as the most prestigious position...

01:32:15.000 Yeah, in the world.

01:32:16.000 In the world, period.

01:32:17.000 I mean, it just is.

01:32:18.000 I don't care how much you love being from Ireland or England or wherever you're from.

01:32:21.000 Top ten.

01:32:22.000 That guy, the president of...

01:32:23.000 Even if you don't respect it...

01:32:24.000 The Pope?

01:32:25.000 Yeah.

01:32:25.000 The president?

01:32:26.000 The Pope can't fuck with the president. 1.00

01:32:28.000 The president of bombs. 1.00

01:32:29.000 The president can control the military.

01:32:31.000 There's no comparison.

01:32:32.000 The Pope's a joke. 0.96

01:32:33.000 The Pope's got religious nuts, though. 0.99

01:32:35.000 He gets those chicks. 1.00

01:32:36.000 They can kill them with bombs. 1.00

01:32:38.000 Oh, yeah, if there was a war between them. 0.99

01:32:40.000 It's a war between the President and the Pope.

01:32:41.000 The President wins every time. 1.00

01:32:42.000 He just sends all those pictures they've saved up for years of all those guys getting their dick sucked by little boys. 1.00

01:32:48.000 They just release those all over the internet, and there's a massive campaign against the Vatican. 0.99

01:32:52.000 Yeah, they're not the strongest place right now.

01:32:54.000 If there was ever a position where the United States went to war with the Vatican, we wouldn't use bombs.

01:32:58.000 We'd use pictures of them blowing kids. 1.00

01:32:59.000 Release more and more of those over the five-year period.

01:33:01.000 Yeah.

01:33:01.000 They didn't have to be real, man.

01:33:03.000 I mean, how many fucking Photoshop artists are there that work for the military? 0.95

01:33:06.000 Luckily, there's plenty that they can find that are real because they're constantly doing it. 0.98

01:33:09.000 I'm sure. 0.98

01:33:10.000 All you have to do is set hidden cameras up or follow these fucks wherever they go and you're going to find a certain percentage of them. 0.99

01:33:17.000 Really? 0.99

01:33:17.000 All you have to do is give them all flip phones and I'm sure some of them will just record themselves. 0.99

01:33:21.000 Well, you know, I've heard it argued online especially, and it's really a fucking potent argument, a scary argument, that the entire Catholic religion at its highest levels exists for all these gay guys. 0.98

01:33:34.000 I can believe that. 0.98

01:33:34.000 They covered it up at the highest level. 0.98

01:33:36.000 They not just covered it up and sent the guy on their way.

01:33:38.000 Covered it up.

01:33:40.000 Yeah, it's a culture of...

01:33:41.000 That's from the Vatican.

01:33:42.000 A lot of them accept it.

01:33:44.000 A lot of the boys accept the position.

01:33:46.000 So a lot of the boys like it.

01:33:47.000 And so they think that it's good.

01:33:49.000 They think that they're doing a good thing.

01:33:51.000 There's literally things that Ratzinger saw.

01:33:53.000 Ratzinger, who's the guy who's the Pope right now.

01:33:55.000 Yeah.

01:33:55.000 Pope Benedict.

01:33:56.000 Oh, the Nazi one. 0.95

01:33:57.000 He's my Hitler Youth. 0.99

01:33:59.000 Yeah.

01:33:59.000 No big deal.

01:34:00.000 No big deal.

01:34:01.000 Whatever. 0.99

01:34:01.000 But there's letters by this fucking guy that this guy had under his review where these cardinals or bishops or whatever the fuck they were, were actually specifically targeting boys that had come from broken families. 0.99

01:34:18.000 They were asking for boys from broken families. 0.99

01:34:20.000 Because they wanted people that couldn't fight back as much.

01:34:22.000 They didn't have anywhere to go.

01:34:24.000 They didn't have a family that they can call. 1.00

01:34:25.000 They didn't have a father that would come over and beat your ass. 1.00

01:34:28.000 Those are the people choosing how you act in your religion. 1.00

01:34:30.000 Lent, how long that lasts, and what you have to do this year, whether or not condoms are legal.

01:34:35.000 Those are the people choosing.

01:34:36.000 You can't be Catholic anymore! 0.99

01:34:38.000 You can't! 1.00

01:34:40.000 Silly bitches. 1.00

01:34:41.000 You just can't! 1.00

01:34:42.000 Be another Christian! 1.00

01:34:43.000 It's so dumb. 1.00

01:34:45.000 It's all dumb. 1.00

01:34:45.000 But Catholicism is one of the worst. 1.00

01:34:48.000 It's a cult of people who are dressed up like fucking genies. 1.00

01:34:52.000 They're dressed up like these crazy wizard outfits with Giant fish head hats and they're waving golden wands. 1.00

01:35:01.000 It's 2012 and these assholes are dressed up like they're like a fucking Harry Potter character. 1.00

01:35:07.000 I mean, it's preposterous. 1.00

01:35:09.000 The idea that that still exists and that we still take that seriously.

01:35:13.000 My God, that's incredible.

01:35:15.000 I mean, it's really incredible. 1.00

01:35:17.000 And, you know, people go, oh, you're so ignorant. 1.00

01:35:19.000 You know, you hate religion. 1.00

01:35:21.000 You hate... 1.00

01:35:22.000 I hate everything that stinks like shit. 1.00

01:35:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:26.000 Shove down everybody's throat.

01:35:27.000 You can't even bring something up that goes against them. 1.00

01:35:29.000 Oh, you don't want to have to give people fucking birth control if we're Christian. 0.99

01:35:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:34.000 It's like, ugh.

01:35:35.000 If I'm Jewish, I don't have to let people get bacon with the money I give them?

01:35:38.000 What are you arguing about? 1.00

01:35:40.000 When all the fucking Christians don't let anyone do anything. 1.00

01:35:42.000 They think they run everything. 1.00

01:35:44.000 You can't get birth control to girls because Catholics don't want to have to offer that to people? 1.00

01:35:49.000 Well, Catholics think that birth control is actually bad. 0.98

01:35:52.000 So then don't take it.

01:35:53.000 The Pope tells you that you're not supposed to be using condoms.

01:35:56.000 You're not supposed to be using birth control. 0.67

01:35:58.000 You're supposed to be having sex for procreation only. 1.00

01:36:00.000 Yeah, so that's what they should do.

01:36:02.000 It's got nothing to do with what your employees need. 1.00

01:36:04.000 That's why boys have a boy pussy. 1.00

01:36:07.000 If you're a Christian scientist, you can't deny all healthcare to your workers because you don't believe in healthcare. 1.00

01:36:12.000 Yeah, well there's...

01:36:13.000 You just don't do it yourself.

01:36:14.000 There's certainly that.

01:36:14.000 That's certainly a problem if you're an employer.

01:36:16.000 But I think overall the real problem is that it's an ideology. 0.99

01:36:19.000 And it's an ideology that's based on just some shit that's written down. 0.98

01:36:22.000 And the idea that there's a God is not a preposterous idea. 0.98

01:36:26.000 If you look at the underlying code of the universe, it's really the whole Fibonacci sequence that reoccurs in nature over and over again.

01:36:34.000 There's this constant drive towards complexity.

01:36:36.000 It may very well be coincidence.

01:36:39.000 Or it may be that there's some sort of an Yeah.

01:36:49.000 being a person.

01:36:50.000 We anthropomorphize.

01:36:52.000 That's what we do when you have an animal and you put it in a human context.

01:36:57.000 I mean, whatever, however you would describe that, putting a god, a deity into a human context. 0.97

01:37:03.000 I think that's ridiculous. 0.95

01:37:04.000 I think the idea of it even being remotely like our consciousness is ridiculous. 0.81

01:37:09.000 But it's not ridiculous that there's some sort of a higher order.

01:37:13.000 It doesn't seem to me. 1.00

01:37:14.000 But what's ridiculous is all these stupid old stories that everybody's basing their life on. 1.00

01:37:19.000 Circumcising kids and not eating pork. 1.00

01:37:22.000 What are you talking about?

01:37:23.000 No water during the day.

01:37:25.000 There are zero proofs for this. 0.98

01:37:27.000 You can do it if you want, but don't fucking tell anyone else. 0.94

01:37:29.000 Who cares what anyone else does? 1.00

01:37:31.000 They don't have to do your shit. 1.00

01:37:32.000 It's stupid. 1.00

01:37:33.000 That's what it is. 1.00

01:37:33.000 It's dumb. 1.00

01:37:34.000 But the problem is... 0.99

01:37:35.000 There's a lot of people out there that really have a hard time thinking for themselves.

01:37:39.000 And they are happier when someone comes along and they offer them a predetermined pattern they can follow.

01:37:46.000 That's why religion works for a lot of people.

01:37:48.000 Alright, so do it yourself.

01:37:49.000 Don't force on anybody else. 0.98

01:37:51.000 It's stupid, but do it yourself if you want to do it. 0.99

01:37:53.000 And then I think the problem with that is that when someone's doing something, they want other people to do it too. 1.00

01:37:57.000 It's like when dudes go vegan and they get douchey with you.

01:37:59.000 How many times have you ever had that happen?

01:38:01.000 But they're happy that you're not vegan.

01:38:03.000 Sometimes.

01:38:03.000 They're happy that they can look down on you in some way.

01:38:05.000 I've had guys like, come on man, you really need to try this.

01:38:08.000 You really need to, come on man. 0.99

01:38:09.000 I'm like, you need to get the fuck away from me. 0.99

01:38:11.000 If I don't eat these animals, are they going to live forever? 1.00

01:38:13.000 Is something going to happen? 1.00

01:38:14.000 Are they going to cure cancer, you stupid fuck? 1.00

01:38:15.000 What are you saying? 1.00

01:38:17.000 You're not going to kill animals.

01:38:19.000 What if plants would scream when you cut them down?

01:38:22.000 Would you still eat them?

01:38:23.000 What if they made like a...

01:38:27.000 As you cut the lettuce out of the ground, what if it...

01:38:29.000 Oh, that'd be freaky.

01:38:30.000 What if they moaned?

01:38:31.000 Yeah, would you be upset?

01:38:33.000 What if they loved it?

01:38:36.000 This is what I was wrong for.

01:38:38.000 But there's something, when someone becomes something, when they become a Republican, when they become a Windows user, when they switch on to Sprint, they want you to do it, too.

01:38:46.000 Everybody. 0.95

01:38:46.000 There's a lot of people that are weak like that, man. 0.95

01:38:48.000 They feel better when everybody else is doing the same shit they're doing. 1.00

01:38:52.000 If they're dressing like Johnny Cash, they want everybody else to dress like Johnny Cash, too. 0.97

01:38:56.000 Yeah, you can tell them, like, literally, this is the only car that fits into my carport.

01:39:00.000 They're like, dude, no, you make a mistake.

01:39:01.000 You need to buy American, bro.

01:39:03.000 Or they're like, Ford over Chevy.

01:39:05.000 You ever hear?

01:39:06.000 I'm a Ford guy, bro.

01:39:07.000 Well, that makes a lot of sense.

01:39:09.000 I'm a Ford guy, bro.

01:39:12.000 I'll always be a Ford guy until I die, bro.

01:39:14.000 You know what's funny is Ford Escorts.

01:39:16.000 Remember how gross that car used to be?

01:39:17.000 The Escort was the worst car.

01:39:20.000 It's like the grossest car ever.

01:39:21.000 And you called an escort?

01:39:23.000 That was before escorts were escorts. 0.98

01:39:24.000 Back then they were prostitutes. 1.00

01:39:25.000 They called after the car? 0.87

01:39:26.000 They were still escorts back then.

01:39:28.000 Have you ever tempoed an escort?

01:39:29.000 I don't know.

01:39:30.000 Things like that.

01:39:31.000 Templed an escort?

01:39:33.000 Tabernacle?

01:39:33.000 I can't even remember.

01:39:36.000 Tempoed an escort.

01:39:37.000 Did you ever have an escort?

01:39:39.000 No, I never got an escort.

01:39:42.000 I've never had somebody walk around with me.

01:39:44.000 Oh, a car you mean?

01:39:46.000 Yeah, Ford is the only company that didn't take money from the government in his bailouts, and they're still doing great.

01:39:52.000 Who paid them back already?

01:39:53.000 Somebody already just paid them fully back.

01:39:54.000 No, it's not true.

01:39:55.000 Nobody paid back?

01:39:56.000 They try to say that they paid them back fully, but apparently there's a lot of funky malarkey that...

01:40:02.000 I don't understand it.

01:40:03.000 I'm not a big financial guy, but the way it's been explained to me is like, no.

01:40:06.000 It seems like they've clearly taken away the idea that we have any say in it, so it's like, all right.

01:40:10.000 Let's actually find out so that we don't misinform people.

01:40:13.000 Auto bailout.

01:40:16.000 Bailout.

01:40:16.000 Payback, right?

01:40:17.000 What, Ryan?

01:40:18.000 Your mouth is agape.

01:40:20.000 I'm just done.

01:40:20.000 Like you're about to murmur or something.

01:40:21.000 I went to the hardware store last night.

01:40:22.000 Thinks we're talking about Bill Gates still.

01:40:24.000 You know who has a house like that?

01:40:26.000 Okay, here's the issue.

01:40:28.000 But while we're still on the subject, because I did know that there was something wrong about this.

01:40:31.000 In the Washington Examiner, they have an article, rather, The Truth Behind Chrysler's Fake Auto Bailout Payback. 0.99

01:40:39.000 And apparently there's a lot of fucking... 0.99

01:40:42.000 Funny accounting. 0.99

01:40:44.000 Really?

01:40:44.000 Yeah.

01:40:45.000 American taxpayers have already spent more than $13 billion bailing out.

01:40:48.000 Chrysler, the Obama administration, already forgave more than $4 billion of that debt when the company filed for bankruptcy.

01:40:55.000 Taxpayers are never going to get that money back.

01:40:58.000 But how is Chrysler going to pay off the rest of the $7.6 billion they own the Treasury Department?

01:41:02.000 The answer is the Obama administration's bailout agreement Fiat gave the Italian car company an incremental call option that allows it to buy up to 16% of Chrysler stock at a reduced rate.

01:41:17.000 But in order to exercise that option, first it had to pay back at least $3.5 billion of the loan to the Treasury Department.

01:41:26.000 Fiat is renting them.

01:41:27.000 Exactly.

01:41:28.000 It's not like Chrysler became ballers and paid all the money back and like, thanks, it worked. 0.98

01:41:34.000 There's a lot of other shit going on behind the scenes. 0.95

01:41:37.000 People are buying things and selling things. 1.00

01:41:39.000 You should pee. 1.00

01:41:40.000 I would love it if America made all the best shit. 1.00

01:41:46.000 I would think it would be amazing if we could pull out of this and all of a sudden make fucking badass cars. 0.99

01:41:52.000 I would like to support that. 0.88

01:41:54.000 If you buy a German car, you know that those people, they're not slave laborers.

01:41:58.000 But if you buy a car, if they start selling cars that are made in China, like Foxconn starts making cars...

01:42:05.000 That's a tricky situation to be in.

01:42:07.000 I would way rather pay more if I could afford it, of course, obviously.

01:42:11.000 Way rather pay more if I knew that the people who made my car got a good wage. 0.97

01:42:15.000 Wouldn't you?

01:42:17.000 I've always bought Fords.

01:42:18.000 I like Fords.

01:42:19.000 I want to get a Ford Mustang next, I think.

01:42:20.000 That or a Charger.

01:42:21.000 I've always bought Fords.

01:42:23.000 Charger's not a Ford boy.

01:42:25.000 Yeah, I know.

01:42:26.000 That's a Chrysler. 1.00

01:42:27.000 Chrysler's full of shit. 1.00

01:42:28.000 Didn't you hear what I just said? 1.00

01:42:29.000 The Chrysler looks nice, though.

01:42:30.000 They look dope.

01:42:30.000 That charge is one of the best shapes out there.

01:42:32.000 They nailed it.

01:42:33.000 They made a modern version of the 1970s and 1960s muscle car.

01:42:38.000 They did it. 0.99

01:42:39.000 They fucking nailed it. 1.00

01:42:40.000 They nailed it with the Camaro, too. 0.99

01:42:41.000 The new Camaro.

01:42:42.000 Nailed it.

01:42:42.000 I saw a crazy-looking red one with black stripes the other day.

01:42:45.000 I saw a yellow one the other day.

01:42:47.000 Aubrey was driving one.

01:42:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:42:49.000 They're great.

01:42:50.000 They're great shape.

01:42:50.000 I wouldn't buy a yellow car, though.

01:42:51.000 I wouldn't buy that car, yeah. 0.92

01:42:52.000 There's something about a yellow car that just, man, it's hard to prove you're not a douchebag.

01:42:56.000 Mine's orange, man. 0.83

01:42:57.000 I've got nacho orange.

01:42:58.000 At least all the Mexicans love me, but it's like a creepy orange. 1.00

01:43:02.000 Nacho orange, all the Mexicans love you? 1.00

01:43:04.000 Is that what you call it?

01:43:04.000 Fiesta orange.

01:43:04.000 Fiesta orange is what Ari calls it.

01:43:07.000 Fiesta Orange?

01:43:07.000 Because it feels like a Fiesta.

01:43:08.000 Yeah, it's like getting a Dorito.

01:43:10.000 It's like a party.

01:43:11.000 Do you think that they just had an extra gallon of that paint?

01:43:15.000 I think so.

01:43:16.000 That's why I got it so cheap, because it was that color. 0.97

01:43:18.000 But now I want to murder that car. 0.61

01:43:22.000 That car's great, Ryan. 0.99

01:43:23.000 You have a great car.

01:43:24.000 For an American car also, that's amazing.

01:43:27.000 It's about as nice as it gets, except for the new Cadillacs.

01:43:30.000 The new Cadillacs are just about the best American cars that have ever been built.

01:43:34.000 Yeah.

01:43:34.000 There's some new Cadillac CTS-V and the CTS-V Coupe.

01:43:39.000 You're in Blade Runner.

01:43:40.000 Yeah, Romney has nine of those.

01:43:42.000 He has nine of them?

01:43:43.000 Yeah, I'm joking.

01:43:44.000 He said his wife had two Cadillacs when he's trying to relate to the U.S. auto workers.

01:43:47.000 Oh, really?

01:43:48.000 Did he really say that?

01:43:49.000 He goes, in fact, I own an American car.

01:43:51.000 In fact, my wife drives a Cadillac. 1.00

01:43:52.000 In fact, she drives two Cadillacs. 0.98

01:43:54.000 And you see all his advisors going, oh, goddammit, man. 1.00

01:43:56.000 You stupid fuck. 1.00

01:43:57.000 Why couldn't you say one, you dumb cunt? 1.00

01:43:59.000 He also said the same thing. 1.00

01:44:00.000 He goes, I love auto racing.

01:44:03.000 I've always loved auto racing.

01:44:04.000 I've been a big fan.

01:44:04.000 A lot of my friends are owners.

01:44:06.000 Oh! 0.60

01:44:08.000 No, don't say that.

01:44:09.000 Why?

01:44:10.000 You're killing us.

01:44:10.000 Hey, do you want to go racing?

01:44:12.000 Have you ever had a desire to race cars?

01:44:15.000 Get in cars and go around a track?

01:44:17.000 Remember that What's It Called place?

01:44:18.000 Did you go in that?

01:44:19.000 What a car place?

01:44:20.000 Oh, Atlanta.

01:44:21.000 Yeah, Ari was with me when we did...

01:44:23.000 Yeah, I went around the track.

01:44:25.000 I did some sort of a hosting thing for a Mini Cooper versus Porsche challenge.

01:44:32.000 It was a race that they had in a really closed circuit, so like the big engine of the Porsche didn't allow it to overtake the Mini Cooper, which is speed.

01:44:39.000 It was all just about agility and real usable speed.

01:44:42.000 It's pretty fucking impressive that a Mini Cooper was only like a couple of seconds behind a Porsche in this race around these cones.

01:44:49.000 I love those guys too. 0.85

01:44:50.000 They're like, are you guys going to win?

01:44:51.000 They're like, we'll see.

01:44:52.000 And then they didn't.

01:44:54.000 They didn't think they were going to win.

01:44:55.000 They're like, probably not.

01:44:56.000 They didn't even...

01:44:56.000 They just made a party for their owners.

01:44:58.000 Well, they didn't even get the sport version.

01:45:00.000 Mini Cooper...

01:45:01.000 Oh, really?

01:45:01.000 No, they had a regular version.

01:45:02.000 Have you seen the wagon one?

01:45:03.000 That's actually really cool.

01:45:04.000 They have a regular version? 0.96

01:45:05.000 Apparently, they had all the people from the Mini Cooper clubs and all that shit come down.

01:45:10.000 Because people get fanatic about those cars. 0.59

01:45:12.000 Just like... 1.00

01:45:13.000 Clubs and shit. 0.99

01:45:14.000 They're apparently the most fun to drive. 1.00

01:45:16.000 They had a barbecue.

01:45:17.000 They invited any mini coupe owner to come down and get free barbecue.

01:45:21.000 I got a chance to drive it a little bit, but it was only around this small course.

01:45:25.000 They're real agile little cars.

01:45:27.000 It's like a go-kart.

01:45:29.000 It's so small and so light.

01:45:32.000 There's something fun in that, man.

01:45:33.000 So, what's his...

01:45:34.000 I remember I just got so high.

01:45:36.000 I was like, you were like, I gotta work, so you do whatever you want to do.

01:45:39.000 Yeah.

01:45:39.000 All I did was just get obliterated in Atlanta.

01:45:41.000 We got obliterated.

01:45:42.000 Because I had no work to do. 0.99

01:45:43.000 It was hot as fuck that day. 0.97

01:45:44.000 Remember how hot it was? 0.99

01:45:45.000 Yeah, it was sweltering.

01:45:47.000 Jesus Christ, Atlanta gets that crazy, funky hot.

01:45:49.000 Wait, so when are you going racing?

01:45:50.000 I don't know.

01:45:51.000 Soon.

01:45:51.000 Okay.

01:45:52.000 I have a friend who...

01:45:54.000 I mean, they're not...

01:45:54.000 I don't want to like...

01:45:55.000 Have a competition or anything like that.

01:45:57.000 Just go around a track real fast.

01:45:58.000 Let's play chicken.

01:45:59.000 If you want to, in Burbank, they have an indoor adult go-kart track.

01:46:04.000 Really?

01:46:05.000 That'd be really fun.

01:46:06.000 I guess they go really fast.

01:46:07.000 How fast do they go?

01:46:09.000 I don't know.

01:46:10.000 The owner of the ice house does it.

01:46:11.000 Okay.

01:46:12.000 Yeah, let's do that.

01:46:13.000 Yeah, you know, there's a laser tag place up here, too.

01:46:16.000 They still have laser tag?

01:46:17.000 Yeah.

01:46:18.000 We should do all those things, though.

01:46:20.000 No, we should do all those things. 0.83

01:46:22.000 What about shoot guns?

01:46:22.000 You ever shoot guns?

01:46:23.000 Paintball.

01:46:23.000 I have.

01:46:24.000 I love shooting guns.

01:46:25.000 Why don't you do that? 1.00

01:46:26.000 Let's go shoot guns. 0.99

01:46:27.000 I want to shoot fish. 0.98

01:46:27.000 Gun range? 0.98

01:46:28.000 Yeah.

01:46:28.000 In a barrel?

01:46:29.000 Fish.

01:46:29.000 No, like put fish up and then try to shoot fish so they explode.

01:46:32.000 In the air?

01:46:33.000 Like dead fish.

01:46:34.000 Why would you do that?

01:46:35.000 It's a waste of fish.

01:46:35.000 Like toss things up?

01:46:36.000 Pick a gross fish. 0.99

01:46:38.000 Filthy American. 1.00

01:46:39.000 How dare you? 1.00

01:46:39.000 I'll fire guns into the air. 1.00

01:46:41.000 Guns in the air? 1.00

01:46:42.000 Just shoot them in the air? 0.99

01:46:43.000 Is that what you mean? 0.99

01:46:43.000 Like pull and just throw a fish up? 0.99

01:46:45.000 No, no, no.

01:46:45.000 Like put them on a target and then shoot them from far and try to blow up a fish.

01:46:50.000 Oh, you don't mean like throw them in the air and then try to shoot them out of the sky?

01:46:53.000 No.

01:46:54.000 I went to one skeet shooting with Sean Miller in Indianapolis.

01:46:57.000 Yeah.

01:46:58.000 It was so much fun.

01:46:59.000 Yeah, it's great fun.

01:47:00.000 You pull and you just fall and you see it explode.

01:47:02.000 It's exciting.

01:47:02.000 You're like, ah!

01:47:03.000 Yeah, it's like, I mean, when you play pool and you make a pine ball.

01:47:07.000 And everyone hangs out there.

01:47:08.000 They have a pro area where everyone hangs out.

01:47:12.000 Just like in pool, people would hang out.

01:47:15.000 Or any place where people just chill.

01:47:17.000 A golf room.

01:47:17.000 Yeah.

01:47:18.000 I have a buddy, Justin.

01:47:19.000 Everyone's into it.

01:47:19.000 They have competitions where you go through a maze and things come up.

01:47:25.000 Oh, nice.

01:47:26.000 And you blast them and you get a score.

01:47:29.000 And then you go into a certain area.

01:47:31.000 Well, this is Bullets.

01:47:32.000 Yeah, that was the cop.

01:47:33.000 What was the cop movies?

01:47:35.000 Cop movies?

01:47:35.000 Oh yeah.

01:47:36.000 You killed a civilian again. 0.90

01:47:38.000 Yeah.

01:47:39.000 What were those cop movies?

01:47:40.000 Lethal Weapon?

01:47:41.000 No, the funny ones with Steve Guttenberg.

01:47:43.000 With Steve Guttenberg.

01:47:45.000 There were five of them.

01:47:46.000 Police Academy?

01:47:46.000 Police Academy.

01:47:47.000 Yeah, they had to go through those courses.

01:47:49.000 Steve Kutenberg.

01:47:50.000 And Tackleberry, who died.

01:47:52.000 There was this thing on Halloween where you would pay money and they had like a hundred people dressed up as zombies and you were on top of a building and they all just start coming towards you and it's paintball and you just shoot them.

01:48:04.000 And they just fall?

01:48:07.000 It was in Santa Monica.

01:48:10.000 Wow, that's a great idea.

01:48:10.000 They wanted us to come down because we were going to have them on the podcast.

01:48:13.000 And then what do they do when they get a hold of you? 0.98

01:48:15.000 No, you just shoot them. 1.00

01:48:16.000 They're dead. 1.00

01:48:16.000 They're slowly climbing up, you know, and you just... 1.00

01:48:18.000 And then they have to fall when they get shot?

01:48:20.000 I don't know.

01:48:21.000 I didn't do it.

01:48:22.000 So they're slowly coming in on you like the scene from Thriller.

01:48:25.000 Yeah, they're hoarding you.

01:48:27.000 This is like Call of Duty.

01:48:28.000 Whoa, that's dangerous, man.

01:48:30.000 They're eventually going to have a game, like the world's most deadly game.

01:48:34.000 Remember that movie?

01:48:35.000 The Deadliest Game, whatever it was.

01:48:36.000 I think they redid it with Ice-T. Yeah.

01:48:39.000 They redid it with Ice-T. I don't think Gary Busey also was hunting him.

01:48:42.000 Was it?

01:48:43.000 Ice-T was the one being hunted.

01:48:45.000 Oh, yeah.

01:48:46.000 That's when Ice-D had like crazy dreadlocks.

01:48:48.000 Remember?

01:48:49.000 Yeah, but there was an old version of it.

01:48:51.000 It's like the Deadliest Games.

01:48:52.000 Really old. 0.98

01:48:53.000 It was like a Russian military guy who was like crazy and depraved. 1.00

01:48:57.000 Brought these people to his island and would hunt them down. 0.99

01:48:59.000 And the reason why I remember this is because I've been watching this show called Naked City.

01:49:05.000 Have you seen this show?

01:49:06.000 Not that one.

01:49:07.000 Oh, Hidden City.

01:49:08.000 Sorry, not Naked City.

01:49:09.000 Hidden City.

01:49:10.000 Hidden City is all this Marcus Shackey guy.

01:49:12.000 He's a crime novelist. 0.96

01:49:15.000 And he goes to all these different towns and finds out the really fucked up stories in this town. 1.00

01:49:21.000 Like all the crazy murders and shit that hasn't... 0.99

01:49:23.000 That haven't been solved. 0.97

01:49:25.000 And one of them was a dude who would pick up hookers and he would take them in a plane in Alaska, pick them up, handcuff them, put them in his plane, and then fly them to an island and let them loose. 0.92

01:49:36.000 And then he would go and hunt them.

01:49:38.000 Really?

01:49:39.000 Yeah.

01:49:40.000 He would bring a rifle and he would let them loose and just go, you better run.

01:49:43.000 You better run. 1.00

01:49:44.000 You better fucking run. 1.00

01:49:45.000 I'm coming after you, bitch. 1.00

01:49:46.000 And then he would go after them. 1.00

01:49:47.000 He'd hunt them. 0.99

01:49:48.000 He'd track them down. 0.99

01:49:48.000 They'd be like in the snow. 0.99

01:49:49.000 So he'd be like tracking them.

01:49:51.000 Whoa.

01:49:51.000 Yeah.

01:49:52.000 But it was like the thrill of actually tracking them. 0.99

01:49:53.000 He'd fucking blow them away. 0.99

01:49:55.000 And then he would keep their licenses and shit. 0.99

01:49:57.000 And that's how they caught him. 0.92

01:49:58.000 What do you mean?

01:49:59.000 He went into his attic.

01:50:00.000 His attic.

01:50:01.000 He had driver's licenses of all these different women that he killed. 0.74

01:50:04.000 Because they had searched this place once.

01:50:06.000 They couldn't find anything.

01:50:07.000 And they had to search this place again.

01:50:08.000 And when they searched this place again, they found it in the attic.

01:50:11.000 You shouldn't keep mementos.

01:50:12.000 They can't help themselves.

01:50:14.000 They say those people want to be caught, but I don't think that's what it is.

01:50:16.000 I think they just like keeping them mementos.

01:50:17.000 Well, they look back at those mementos, and they get excited.

01:50:20.000 It's trophies.

01:50:21.000 Yeah.

01:50:21.000 I don't think it's like, I'm looking to get caught, though.

01:50:24.000 I think they're looking not to, and keep these things.

01:50:26.000 You get more complacent the more you do it.

01:50:28.000 I blame my mom.

01:50:29.000 She always had that book when you were a kid, and I had a little lock of your hair and stuff like that, and I always was attracted to a lot of locks of hairs with the girls that I date.

01:50:37.000 What?

01:50:38.000 Would you ever, if it was on the menu, would you try human meat?

01:50:42.000 No.

01:50:42.000 You would never do it?

01:50:43.000 It's supposed to taste just like pork.

01:50:45.000 Really?

01:50:46.000 Yeah, and you can always eat pork.

01:50:47.000 So why would I try human meat?

01:50:49.000 I don't want to know what that tastes like.

01:50:50.000 Wow.

01:50:51.000 Apparently, though.

01:50:52.000 You obviously would.

01:50:52.000 It must be distinguishable, because, well, you can go to Liberia and you can get some, apparently.

01:50:57.000 Yeah, go crazy.

01:50:58.000 Not anymore.

01:50:58.000 The war's done now.

01:50:59.000 The war's done, so they're not serving any more human meat?

01:51:02.000 Charles Taylor's in the Hague.

01:51:04.000 Charles Taylor is the guy who was the horrible war criminal. 0.89

01:51:08.000 He was the bad-assest one. 1.00

01:51:09.000 Crazy fucking name. 1.00

01:51:10.000 Charles Taylor. 1.00

01:51:11.000 Sounds like the guy who created peanuts.

01:51:13.000 They destroyed their own infrastructure.

01:51:15.000 They needed stuff to tie people up with, so they just used telephone wire.

01:51:19.000 They would cut it down and just use that.

01:51:21.000 So we're like, oh, now we have no telephone lines.

01:51:23.000 Jesus Christ.

01:51:25.000 They had to test their rockets out, so they're like, let me show you how much I can blow up this dam, and then you show me how much that rocket can blow up this dam.

01:51:30.000 They blow up their own...

01:51:30.000 They just blow up dams.

01:51:31.000 They're so stupid. 1.00

01:51:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:33.000 The whole... 1.00

01:51:34.000 The Liberia is so frightening.

01:51:35.000 And the fact that it used to be a U.S. slave colony.

01:51:37.000 Really?

01:51:38.000 Yeah.

01:51:38.000 That's how it started.

01:51:39.000 It's all better now.

01:51:39.000 Slaves came from Liberia or from America and went back to Africa.

01:51:43.000 That was the port.

01:51:44.000 Yeah.

01:51:44.000 Wow.

01:51:45.000 It's better now?

01:51:46.000 In what way?

01:51:46.000 Charlestale is gone.

01:51:47.000 They're trying to redo everything.

01:51:48.000 It's still a mess, man.

01:51:51.000 That Vice Guide to Liberia was pretty recent.

01:51:53.000 They were over there.

01:51:54.000 It's still crazy.

01:51:55.000 Really? 0.98

01:51:55.000 Yeah, there's parts of the world where how the fuck do you fix Africa? 0.98

01:51:59.000 Look at all the different... 0.97

01:52:00.000 Look at Uganda. 0.95

01:52:01.000 That's a long, long, long project.

01:52:05.000 They wanted to give Jews Uganda. 0.99

01:52:07.000 Get them Jewish? 1.00

01:52:08.000 They wanted to give the Jews Uganda. 0.97

01:52:10.000 Instead of Israel? 0.94

01:52:11.000 Yeah.

01:52:11.000 So listen, figure this place out.

01:52:12.000 There's a lot of talk about that.

01:52:13.000 When was this?

01:52:15.000 No, no, no, way before that.

01:52:17.000 I guess the 40s and 30s?

01:52:18.000 So, before Israel. 0.70

01:52:20.000 After the war, they were like, we need to give them some place to go.

01:52:23.000 Clearly, we've shown enough times.

01:52:25.000 So, explain to me how the whole Israel thing worked.

01:52:29.000 Because at one point in time, the Palestinians lived there, but no, Jews lived there already? 0.75

01:52:35.000 There were a bunch of different migrations.

01:52:37.000 Well, Jews lived there, and Arabs lived there, a long time ago, and then one of the Roman kings came and dispersed the Jews. 1.00

01:52:42.000 Like, Kill them. 1.00

01:52:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:44.000 Well, no. 1.00

01:52:44.000 Just, like, extinguish them. 1.00

01:52:46.000 Go to Europe. 0.76

01:52:47.000 Go to Africa. 0.98

01:52:48.000 Just go. 1.00

01:52:49.000 Kicked them out of Israel. 1.00

01:52:50.000 Kicked them all out. 0.99

01:52:50.000 What year was this? 0.99

01:52:53.000 This we're talking about, like, this is way after Jesus, I think.

01:52:59.000 I think.

01:53:00.000 Because Jews were around when Jesus was there.

01:53:02.000 Way after Jesus.

01:53:03.000 And after one temple was destroyed, then the Jews wouldn't go back until they rebuilt the second temple. 0.90

01:53:07.000 Then they did.

01:53:07.000 Then they came back.

01:53:08.000 When that was destroyed and they were kicked out, they slowly started coming back here or there.

01:53:13.000 So like in 1910, there was a big migration.

01:53:15.000 1912. Big migration of European Jews to Israel.

01:53:18.000 What temple was it where the Romans got all the way up to the top and the Jews had killed each other? 0.68

01:53:25.000 Masada.

01:53:25.000 It wasn't a temple.

01:53:26.000 It was the last enclave of defense.

01:53:29.000 They were resisting.

01:53:30.000 So what did they do?

01:53:31.000 What was the story?

01:53:32.000 They went up there.

01:53:33.000 It was one of those things that one of the Roman kings built for this getaway, this sweet, sweet getaway.

01:53:39.000 It's really awesome, actually.

01:53:40.000 They had these hot baths, and they would empty out the part of the mountain underneath it so they could heat it up.

01:53:47.000 And so they would go up, but the ceilings were curved down because they knew that if they were flat, the water drops would hit and just form and then hit you.

01:53:55.000 It was really unpleasant, so they made them all curved so the water would run down the curved ceilings and not drip onto you.

01:54:02.000 Yeah, just really great design things.

01:54:05.000 But anyway, as the Jews are being pushed out, saying convert or leave or die, I guess some of them, the last defenses, pushed back to there.

01:54:13.000 And they realized there's only one way up. 0.97

01:54:16.000 So they could just shoot down arrows at people.

01:54:19.000 At the Romans, they couldn't get up there. 0.98

01:54:22.000 Until they started using Jewish slaves as human shields. 0.97

01:54:26.000 And then started marching up.

01:54:27.000 But also there, they had enough food and water to last them for so long.

01:54:31.000 So they were like, we'll wait you out.

01:54:33.000 We'll just wait you out for years.

01:54:34.000 They just had them surrounded.

01:54:36.000 Whoa, for years?

01:54:37.000 Yeah, they had that much supplies.

01:54:38.000 And then eventually, I think the human slaves, then they were like, all right, we're not going to kill our own. 0.95

01:54:42.000 So what do we got to do?

01:54:43.000 And I think they all killed each other. 0.99

01:54:45.000 Well, we're not going to kill our own, so we'll kill our own. 1.00

01:54:47.000 Yeah, we'll just all commit suicide. 0.99

01:54:48.000 We're dead anyway.

01:54:49.000 So how'd they commit suicide?

01:54:50.000 What'd they use?

01:54:50.000 They used swords, right?

01:54:51.000 Swords?

01:54:52.000 Yeah.

01:54:52.000 Is that what it was?

01:54:53.000 A lot of it, wasn't it?

01:54:54.000 Where'd they get poison?

01:54:55.000 It wouldn't be poison.

01:54:56.000 Where'd they have that much poison?

01:54:58.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:54:58.000 I don't think they would.

01:54:59.000 Have that much poison laying around?

01:55:00.000 I heard that it was done in a very primal way.

01:55:02.000 It could be swords.

01:55:03.000 It could have been swords.

01:55:04.000 And I know the last guy had to do it to himself.

01:55:06.000 And they had to choose who was going to be that last guy.

01:55:08.000 Wow.

01:55:09.000 Oh, that's what it is.

01:55:10.000 They don't want to commit suicide because you don't go to heaven. 0.67

01:55:12.000 So you would kill another person so you don't have to kill yourself. 0.61

01:55:15.000 So the last guy. 0.99

01:55:15.000 The last guy had to commit suicide. 0.99

01:55:17.000 Or he just didn't.

01:55:19.000 And he's like, look at all these juice shields everywhere.

01:55:21.000 Oh, you just run at the Romans. 1.00

01:55:22.000 Like, come on, bitch. 1.00

01:55:23.000 Let them kill you. 1.00

01:55:25.000 Or go, oh, you guys came up this way? 1.00

01:55:27.000 I came up back over there. 1.00

01:55:28.000 The Jews are all dead. 1.00

01:55:29.000 That's probably what I would do. 1.00

01:55:31.000 It's crazy.

01:55:32.000 Let's get out.

01:55:32.000 He stole my clothes and then died.

01:55:34.000 Roman outfit Wow What a fucking crazy time to be alive That must have been You have to give them to religion or die Isn't that amazing I don't even go to church It just shows you that people have always Had that weird desire to have everyone Else think exactly the way they thought It makes them feel more secure. 1.00

01:55:58.000 More Christians. 0.99

01:55:59.000 More Christians. 0.99

01:56:00.000 The Jews actually never proselytize. 0.97

01:56:01.000 We don't.

01:56:02.000 That's amazing, isn't it?

01:56:03.000 Yeah.

01:56:03.000 Why is that?

01:56:04.000 Because religion is just as silly as anybody else's. 1.00

01:56:07.000 Based on the same things as the Christians. 1.00

01:56:08.000 So how come they figured out to keep to themselves?

01:56:11.000 They said, like, you don't have to do this.

01:56:12.000 There's no reason you should.

01:56:14.000 If you want to, you can, but we're not going to try to push you.

01:56:16.000 He was like, do whatever you want.

01:56:17.000 At the time of David, they outlawed it.

01:56:19.000 Outlawed conversion.

01:56:20.000 Wow.

01:56:20.000 It was too popular.

01:56:21.000 Too popular?

01:56:22.000 Everybody wanted to be a Jew. 1.00

01:56:22.000 People were just trying to become a Jew just because they were the ruling party. 1.00

01:56:25.000 Really?

01:56:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:56:26.000 Damn, so they outlawed it. 1.00

01:56:28.000 So they said no conversion during this time. 0.99

01:56:30.000 God, for how long?

01:56:31.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:56:32.000 Please, I'm fucked. 1.00

01:56:33.000 Yeah, I don't know. 1.00

01:56:33.000 Now you have to do that. 1.00

01:56:34.000 You have to ask a bunch of times.

01:56:35.000 I'm a Gentile.

01:56:35.000 I'm just hanging out.

01:56:36.000 I don't like these people.

01:56:37.000 You have to do that now.

01:56:38.000 You have to do that now. 0.99

01:56:39.000 Worst of the whites! 1.00

01:56:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:56:41.000 I don't want to be that anymore.

01:56:42.000 You pretty much have to do that.

01:56:42.000 The rabbi will tell you, like, don't do this.

01:56:44.000 You don't want to do it.

01:56:45.000 Really?

01:56:45.000 You can't eat Big Macs.

01:56:46.000 Just trust me.

01:56:47.000 You don't want to do this.

01:56:48.000 You can't eat Big Macs?

01:56:49.000 Yeah.

01:56:49.000 If you're a Jew, you can't eat Big Macs?

01:56:51.000 Religious Jew. 0.60

01:56:52.000 You know that you're supposed to eat hamburgers?

01:56:53.000 Is that what it is?

01:56:54.000 It's not kosher meat.

01:56:54.000 And it's cheese on there, too.

01:56:56.000 Oh, so just that in general.

01:56:58.000 But you could have kosher beef burgers?

01:57:00.000 You could have a kosher beef burger?

01:57:02.000 With soy cheese.

01:57:03.000 Oh, the cheese.

01:57:04.000 What is it?

01:57:05.000 You can't combine milk and meat?

01:57:06.000 Is that what it is?

01:57:07.000 What's that all about? 1.00

01:57:09.000 It's pretty much stupidity, just like all the religions. 1.00

01:57:11.000 But it's based on a passage that says, you shall not mix the milk of the mother with the meat of the calf. 1.00

01:57:21.000 Huh.

01:57:22.000 Yeah.

01:57:22.000 That wasn't about porn instead or anything else?

01:57:25.000 Some sex take that just to be that it's that actual mother and calf. 1.00

01:57:29.000 Yeah, but that's the case. 0.99

01:57:30.000 Why can't you get the milk from the mother and then kill the mother and eat her? 1.00

01:57:33.000 It's the milk of the mother and the meat of the mother. 0.99

01:57:34.000 That's all right?

01:57:35.000 I don't really get it.

01:57:36.000 But they just, no meat and milk together.

01:57:39.000 No meat and milk.

01:57:39.000 You have to wait.

01:57:39.000 If you eat pizza, you have to wait 30 minutes before you eat meat.

01:57:42.000 What are the odds, though, if you have a fucking piece of meat, that the milk's going to come from the same cow? 0.99

01:57:46.000 No, it's not. 0.99

01:57:47.000 They said that passage means don't mix it to it all. 1.00

01:57:50.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:57:51.000 Linen and cotton you can't mix. 1.00

01:57:52.000 What?

01:57:53.000 Yeah.

01:57:53.000 What?

01:57:54.000 You can't...

01:57:54.000 If you have like a wool in the linen, that's what it is.

01:57:58.000 If you have a wool jacket, you can't have linen things tying in the buttons.

01:58:02.000 Because that's evil and you'll go to hell.

01:58:04.000 What about peanut butter and chocolate? 0.99

01:58:05.000 You go to hell for that. 1.00

01:58:06.000 No, my favorite one that you told me to this day was that you were told that when you masturbate... 1.00

01:58:11.000 Masturbate? 0.99

01:58:12.000 No, Ari grew up extremely religious to the point where he lived...

01:58:18.000 You lived on...

01:58:19.000 You lived in Israel in Yeshiva for two years.

01:58:21.000 Yeah, I mean, that's...

01:58:21.000 And you studied the Torah all day long.

01:58:23.000 9 a.m.

01:58:24.000 to 10 p.m.?

01:58:25.000 I mean, that is...

01:58:26.000 Pretty much. 0.99

01:58:26.000 That's some pretty intense shit. 0.99

01:58:28.000 And they told you when you masturbated that you were impregnating a demon in the other dimension. 1.00

01:58:33.000 Let's just say you're on your back, lying down. 0.97

01:58:35.000 They didn't really do positions back then, or shower. 1.00

01:58:38.000 Anyway, but when you're doing it, some demon comes, and she's around you, fucking you, as you're fucking your hand. 1.00

01:58:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:58:46.000 And then you make, like, demon babies in the afterlife. 0.58

01:58:48.000 Some writer used this.

01:58:49.000 The phage.

01:58:49.000 There was some, like...

01:58:51.000 Maybe Dean Kuntz.

01:58:52.000 Maybe Dean Kuntz.

01:58:53.000 You used it in a movie?

01:58:55.000 Yeah, there was some...

01:58:55.000 No, in a book.

01:58:56.000 There was some demon who was, like, writing them and had...

01:58:58.000 Anyway, but then you get her pregnant and she has babies every time you do that. 1.00

01:59:02.000 Every time, you're 100%.

01:59:03.000 But those babies never get to be born on Earth. 0.99

01:59:05.000 They only live in this demon world, and they're deformed and gross. 0.99

01:59:08.000 Wow. 0.99

01:59:09.000 I forgot about this.

01:59:10.000 And then when you get to go to heaven, when you die, you have to meet those demons.

01:59:14.000 Oh my God.

01:59:15.000 And they go, why, Dad?

01:59:17.000 Why couldn't we be born on the regular planet?

01:59:20.000 Wow.

01:59:20.000 Why are we like this, Dad?

01:59:23.000 So did you masturbate anyway, even knowing all this? 0.99

01:59:25.000 Uh-huh. 0.99

01:59:27.000 And what did you think? 0.99

01:59:28.000 Was this going on while you were living in this really religious environment you were masturbating? 0.99

01:59:32.000 No, you never stop masturbating. 0.99

01:59:34.000 I mean, I slowed down. 0.97

01:59:35.000 I thought it was evil for doing it.

01:59:37.000 So you're doing this, you're there 9am to 9pm. 0.99

01:59:41.000 Did you think, well, that part's bullshit? 0.99

01:59:43.000 You're studying this intense religious... 0.99

01:59:45.000 Well, I think there's two types of sins.

01:59:47.000 Literally, this is how it is.

01:59:48.000 There's two types of sins. 1.00

01:59:48.000 There's sins you plan out and say, fuck it, I don't agree with that. 1.00

01:59:51.000 And there's types of gossip where it just happens. 1.00

01:59:54.000 You're not thinking about it, like, fuck, fuck, I shouldn't have done that. 1.00

01:59:56.000 I was talking bad about somebody. 1.00

01:59:59.000 Masturbation is one that just overcomes you.

02:00:01.000 I guess it's one that you do plan out because you could just not do it.

02:00:03.000 It's not like you accidentally touched it.

02:00:06.000 Women, I don't think, have the same. 1.00

02:00:07.000 They don't have that backup. 0.99

02:00:09.000 Women want to have sex. 1.00

02:00:11.000 They get itchy. 0.99

02:00:12.000 They want to be touched.

02:00:13.000 They want affection. 0.97

02:00:14.000 They get horny. 1.00

02:00:15.000 But we have a backup of sperm where your dick is like, come on! 1.00

02:00:19.000 Let's go! 1.00

02:00:21.000 It's like, you've got to get rid of this shit. 1.00

02:00:23.000 Jesus Christ, we can't even think. 1.00

02:00:25.000 You can just get sperm everywhere here. 1.00

02:00:27.000 Come on! 0.98

02:00:28.000 Jesus! 1.00

02:00:29.000 When you beat off, did you like, fuck, what about those babies? 1.00

02:00:33.000 Did you believe that part? 1.00

02:00:34.000 That part was more like fables.

02:00:36.000 It wasn't like the written in the Torah.

02:00:38.000 So it was like, this is what the extracurricular stuff. 0.97

02:00:42.000 The ghosts and shit like that. 0.91

02:00:43.000 So when would they bring that up? 0.98

02:00:44.000 They barely brought that up.

02:00:46.000 Did they bring it up in class ever?

02:00:48.000 Yeah, it would come up.

02:00:49.000 We're in discussions with rabbis who studied all that stuff.

02:00:51.000 The Zohar, which is like the mystical book.

02:00:56.000 But you're not supposed to study that until you're married and 35. What?

02:00:59.000 The mystical book?

02:01:01.000 Yeah, it said you can't really handle it until you're married and 35. What's that all about?

02:01:06.000 It's got all the stuff about ghosts and weird shit. 0.97

02:01:08.000 Ghosts? 0.98

02:01:09.000 Yeah.

02:01:09.000 There's ghosts and demons?

02:01:11.000 Yeah, and crossing.

02:01:12.000 Dude, Judaism sounds like fun. 0.98

02:01:14.000 It sounds like fun literature.

02:01:15.000 You don't get to read it very much.

02:01:16.000 I never read the translation of those.

02:01:17.000 It's so hard.

02:01:18.000 Maybe I should read it.

02:01:19.000 Can you get it online?

02:01:20.000 Can you buy it on Amazon.com?

02:01:21.000 Probably by now.

02:01:21.000 You probably can.

02:01:22.000 It's probably all written down somewhere, actually.

02:01:23.000 But a lot of it would be the exact language.

02:01:25.000 You wouldn't get that from translation.

02:01:26.000 But you'll get close.

02:01:27.000 Yeah.

02:01:28.000 There was this piece.

02:01:29.000 There was this one piece in the Talmud.

02:01:31.000 Which is like a respected, like you're supposed to study it apart.

02:01:33.000 And they said this rabbi went to his students who were living in like a dormitory altogether because there was a snake or a dragon that was attacking them every night and killing his students.

02:01:47.000 So he had to sleep, and only this rabbi was the one who could defeat it, so he had to sleep under one of their beds. 0.97

02:01:53.000 So that he could kill this dragon. 0.76

02:01:54.000 It was a dragon. 0.97

02:01:56.000 And I asked my rabbi about that. 0.99

02:01:57.000 I'm like, what the fuck is this all about? 0.99

02:02:00.000 It's my wife. 0.99

02:02:01.000 What's going on?

02:02:02.000 There's no such thing as dragons. 1.00

02:02:03.000 Under this bed to suck your cock, and that's how I killed a dragon. 1.00

02:02:06.000 Yeah, he said there was a rash of jerk-offs going on. 1.00

02:02:10.000 And the only way this... 0.93

02:02:11.000 He said they can't really write that out in the Talmud.

02:02:14.000 So they had to metaphor it.

02:02:15.000 Really? 0.96

02:02:15.000 It was a rash of jerk-offs. 0.96

02:02:16.000 And the only way that could stop it is the rabbi hiding under their bed. 0.99

02:02:19.000 Saying, I caught you! 1.00

02:02:20.000 You're masturbating! 1.00

02:02:22.000 Wow! 1.00

02:02:23.000 So the dragon that was killing off the children was just them masturbating? 1.00

02:02:27.000 It was a desire to masturbate. 1.00

02:02:29.000 Oh my God! 1.00

02:02:29.000 It was killing off their spiritual selves. 1.00

02:02:31.000 Holy shit, that's hilarious. 0.99

02:02:33.000 But it's not written. 0.93

02:02:35.000 That metaphor is not explained.

02:02:36.000 It's just assumed.

02:02:38.000 And you have to ask someone who understands the text.

02:02:41.000 Or Rashi would write stuff about it, if you can understand that.

02:02:44.000 That's so crazy.

02:02:45.000 In the future, people would just think it's just craziness.

02:02:49.000 This was an oral tradition, too.

02:02:50.000 It wasn't even written down.

02:02:51.000 Someone just had to tell you that story.

02:02:53.000 Wow.

02:02:53.000 That's what they wrote down when they thought they were going to lose it all.

02:02:55.000 That's amazing.

02:02:57.000 Yeah.

02:02:57.000 Wow.

02:02:58.000 That is a great fucking story. 0.99

02:03:00.000 You'd think I'd be making that up, but I'm really not. 0.99

02:03:02.000 It's hilarious.

02:03:03.000 Yeah, it is.

02:03:04.000 We're so crazy.

02:03:07.000 Whenever we have these conversations about religion, it's really interesting because I get so many angry tweets from people.

02:03:13.000 People get angry.

02:03:13.000 They get so mad.

02:03:14.000 You're being an idiot. 1.00

02:03:16.000 There's literally zero proof for it. 1.00

02:03:17.000 There's zero proof ever.

02:03:19.000 And there's nothing else in your life that you will entertain a conversation over when there is zero proof.

02:03:24.000 Nothing.

02:03:25.000 That's the only thing.

02:03:26.000 If someone tried to invent any of those religions today, you would laugh at them.

02:03:29.000 Yes.

02:03:30.000 You would say, this is a cult.

02:03:30.000 But somehow we can't because everyone's involved in it.

02:03:33.000 But it's ridiculous what you're doing. 0.99

02:03:35.000 Completely ridiculous. 0.92

02:03:35.000 And I say that it's the enemy of progress because that's not on the table anymore. 0.92

02:03:43.000 Everything is on the table as far as what is the possibility for the future.

02:03:49.000 Cloning, are we allowed?

02:03:50.000 What is subatomic particles?

02:03:52.000 What are in black holes?

02:03:54.000 Everything is really on the table up to discovery until it comes to religion.

02:03:59.000 And with religion, that's not on the table.

02:04:01.000 If anything is off the table like that, like stem cell research or things along those lines...

02:04:06.000 Because of religion. 0.62

02:04:07.000 Yeah, because of religion.

02:04:08.000 Especially when you can get stem cells from skin.

02:04:10.000 They're at a point now where you don't need to have embryos.

02:04:14.000 You don't need to encourage people to have abortions like they thought the worst case scenario would ever be.

02:04:18.000 That people would be encouraged to kill their babies because stem cells from the aborted fetuses would be very valuable.

02:04:24.000 That's not even necessary anymore.

02:04:25.000 They've passed that and the argument is still there.

02:04:28.000 Because of our belief in a God.

02:04:30.000 Yeah.

02:04:31.000 Something that was invented so long ago doesn't apply to you anymore.

02:04:33.000 Even if it was invented for a reason, it doesn't apply to you anymore. 0.99

02:04:36.000 The most ridiculous thing is that if this God did exist, that he wouldn't tell you while you're fucking up left and right and surely sending yourself to hell. 0.99

02:04:43.000 Just weird little signs. 0.99

02:04:44.000 Yeah, he would just wait there. 1.00

02:04:44.000 What an asshole. 1.00

02:04:45.000 Wait there and go, listen, when you get up here, I know this life has been confusing and everybody's full of shit and they've been telling you these crazy stories, but if you don't listen to them, once you get up here, the infinite wisdom is going to fucking cook you. 1.00

02:04:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:04:57.000 I got mad at God when I started thinking about this stuff. 0.99

02:04:59.000 It was like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:05:00.000 So you're telling me that everyone either goes to heaven or doesn't or gets rewarded on the next plane or doesn't based on you've never been explicit and just said, I want you to do this? 1.00

02:05:09.000 You're just supposed to guess it?

02:05:11.000 My Protestant friends were like, if you don't accept Jesus, you're going to hell.

02:05:13.000 And I'm like, but your parents were Christian.

02:05:16.000 So you're a better chance of accepting Jesus than mine. 0.99

02:05:19.000 So just because randomly my parents were Jewish, I'm going to burn in hell for eternity? 1.00

02:05:23.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

02:05:24.000 It's ridiculous! 0.99

02:05:25.000 That's not just God. 0.99

02:05:26.000 God wouldn't intervene and say, listen, parents, you're teaching your children wrong.

02:05:30.000 This is what I like.

02:05:31.000 I like them to worship my son.

02:05:34.000 If you're a Native American, a hundred years after Jesus came, you've never heard of him.

02:05:37.000 But if you don't accept him, you're going to hell.

02:05:38.000 You had no chance. 1.00

02:05:40.000 You go to hell. 1.00

02:05:41.000 Just go to hell. 1.00

02:05:42.000 Burn it forever for your sins. 1.00

02:05:43.000 You know what they say?

02:05:44.000 Well, some people believe that Jesus actually went to America and so he told them, Like, one time and then left, and so that was enough for generations.

02:05:51.000 Your Protestant friends told you this?

02:05:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:05:54.000 It's all stupid. 1.00

02:05:55.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

02:05:56.000 About Jesus in America was the Mormons. 1.00

02:05:58.000 The Mormons.

02:05:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:05:59.000 They believe that he fucking... 1.00

02:06:01.000 He was the... 1.00

02:06:03.000 That's where the American Indians came from.

02:06:05.000 They were lost.

02:06:06.000 Lost Jews.

02:06:07.000 Lost Jews.

02:06:08.000 Yeah.

02:06:08.000 This is it.

02:06:08.000 This is me.

02:06:09.000 I'm an Indian.

02:06:10.000 Indian.

02:06:10.000 This is what you're looking at.

02:06:11.000 That's an Indian. 0.94

02:06:14.000 That's not ridiculous.

02:06:15.000 I used to have a joke about it, but I never really formed it, but this is what it was.

02:06:19.000 There's other parts of that same book that say what the Mormons did.

02:06:22.000 I've told you this, right?

02:06:23.000 Yeah.

02:06:23.000 Where they said he went to the moon.

02:06:25.000 Yeah.

02:06:25.000 With more Hebrew people.

02:06:28.000 And started a race of people called the Lunarians. 0.82

02:06:31.000 No.

02:06:32.000 Where they still live to this day.

02:06:34.000 No.

02:06:34.000 Yes.

02:06:35.000 Or at least they were saying that until we went to the moon.

02:06:37.000 And then we're like, what's up?

02:06:39.000 What is the Lunarians? 0.86

02:06:41.000 And here's my thing.

02:06:42.000 They didn't answer it.

02:06:43.000 They just stopped teaching it.

02:06:44.000 But this is what they said. 0.96

02:06:45.000 It was like, oh, well, when we made that up, we didn't think anybody would actually go to the fucking moon to call us on it. 0.96

02:06:50.000 It was like 200 years ago. 0.96

02:06:51.000 We're like, oh, yeah, go take your golden ladder to the moon and call me on my lie.

02:06:55.000 Oh.

02:06:56.000 It's so funny.

02:06:57.000 It's so preposterous.

02:06:58.000 Where are the people?

02:06:58.000 What are they doing up there?

02:06:59.000 There's no atmosphere.

02:07:00.000 We didn't know any of that. 0.99

02:07:02.000 We didn't know shit. 0.98

02:07:03.000 He was 14. Joseph Smith was 14 when he created all that shit. 1.00

02:07:08.000 He understood it. 0.99

02:07:08.000 When he said he found the gloss tablets, the golden tablets, that only he could read because he had a seer stone. 0.99

02:07:15.000 He had a magic stone that he was looking at.

02:07:17.000 That's who's going to be your next Republican president for Canada.

02:07:20.000 Yeah, he believes in all that.

02:07:20.000 That's Mitt Romney.

02:07:21.000 Isn't that hilarious?

02:07:22.000 Uh-huh.

02:07:23.000 Have you seen the trailer for Prometheus? 0.91

02:07:24.000 Speaking of ridiculous science fiction. 0.84

02:07:26.000 A movie? 0.86

02:07:27.000 The new Ridley Scott movie, the prequel to Alien.

02:07:29.000 Oh no, really?

02:07:30.000 Don't watch the trailer.

02:07:32.000 Why?

02:07:32.000 It gives away too much?

02:07:32.000 Don't watch the trailer.

02:07:33.000 There's too much going on in the trailer.

02:07:35.000 There's a few spoilers. 0.74

02:07:36.000 But god damn does it look good. 0.83

02:07:38.000 Ooh, it looks good. 0.99

02:07:39.000 Sigourney Weaver shaved her head? 0.95

02:07:41.000 No, she's not in this, man.

02:07:43.000 Charlize Theron.

02:07:44.000 It's a prequel.

02:07:45.000 It's a prequel.

02:07:45.000 Oh yeah, she wouldn't be in it yet.

02:07:46.000 She wouldn't be in it yet.

02:07:47.000 She couldn't.

02:07:47.000 Charlize Theron is the new badass chick.

02:07:50.000 Dude, it is.

02:07:50.000 It's not bad.

02:07:50.000 It looks fucking tremendous.

02:07:52.000 Really? 0.98

02:07:53.000 I won't watch it then.

02:07:54.000 Oh, it looks so good.

02:07:55.000 It looks so good.

02:07:56.000 When is it coming out?

02:07:58.000 June. 1.00

02:07:58.000 My dick is hard until June. 1.00

02:08:00.000 We were talking about Doug Benson at one time about trailers that ruined stuff for you. 0.99

02:08:03.000 Where there'll be a scene that says, you thought I was dead, didn't you?

02:08:06.000 Yeah.

02:08:07.000 He's not dead.

02:08:08.000 Yeah, they try so hard to get you into the movie.

02:08:10.000 It really pisses off a lot of the people.

02:08:12.000 I'm sure the directors must get so like, what? 1.00

02:08:14.000 Yeah, you fuckheads. 1.00

02:08:15.000 You gave away huge plot points. 1.00

02:08:17.000 There's some movies that it's almost useless to go see them.

02:08:20.000 You know what's going to happen.

02:08:20.000 Yeah, the first 20 minutes when it's setting up, you're like, I know you're going to become poor.

02:08:23.000 I know how the movie goes.

02:08:24.000 Just get to it already.

02:08:25.000 I love going to a movie that's supposed to be really good, and you don't see any previews for it.

02:08:30.000 It's rare that that happens, but man, when it does happen, it's great.

02:08:33.000 It happens a lot for me now, because I just download everything, so there's no commercials, so I miss commercials for things. 0.96

02:08:39.000 This fucking Prometheus looks so good. 0.95

02:08:41.000 I love a good science fiction movie written by... 0.99

02:08:44.000 When you have Ridley Scott at the home, it's like, come on, this is going to be tremendous, you know?

02:08:49.000 He's really good at it.

02:08:51.000 There's not enough of those.

02:08:52.000 They need, like, avatars every couple months.

02:08:54.000 You know, something along those lines, like something badass like that.

02:08:56.000 There's so many crapular ones. 0.92

02:08:58.000 Terrible ones.

02:08:59.000 Can't wait for Avengers.

02:09:01.000 I thought that maybe I was getting cynical because, like, movies aren't good anymore.

02:09:06.000 But I'm like, maybe it's just me getting older and maybe my parents said the same thing.

02:09:09.000 Then I looked at Rotten Tomatoes, which is just an amalgamation of all the, you know what it is, just different.

02:09:14.000 And it was like...

02:09:15.000 The last nine box offices got shitty reviews.

02:09:18.000 Got under 60%.

02:09:19.000 And I'm like, that means nobody likes anything that's out.

02:09:22.000 It's not just me.

02:09:23.000 It's terrible.

02:09:23.000 It's hard to make movies, man.

02:09:24.000 I know it's hard.

02:09:25.000 Especially hard when you've got a bunch of different people involved.

02:09:27.000 Think about how much money it costs to make a movie like The Avengers.

02:09:30.000 There's...

02:09:30.000 Fucking millions and millions of dollars on the line as far as they have to spend, and then the potential profit is millions and millions more, so there's so many people with so much to say.

02:09:40.000 Trying to say, like, don't... 0.98

02:09:41.000 It's amazing that anything gets done.

02:09:43.000 Could you imagine just this podcast or the way these conversations go?

02:09:46.000 What if we had somebody in our ear, and every time we started bringing up a certain conversation, you'd be like, cheese it with the best of the whites stuff.

02:09:53.000 Stop it.

02:09:54.000 Stop it with that, Ari.

02:09:55.000 Gently guided away from that conversation.

02:09:57.000 Back up on that.

02:09:59.000 And that's what happens.

02:10:00.000 You know, like, look, I've been doing the UFC for, you know, how long? 0.99

02:10:02.000 Fucking, who knows? 0.99

02:10:03.000 Is it weird to have them in your ear? 1.00

02:10:04.000 97. It's very rare does anybody say anything.

02:10:07.000 But once we started going on Fox, the producer actually had to tell me in my ear, the Fox executive was like, tell me to take it down or not.

02:10:14.000 Tell me to take it down.

02:10:15.000 Like, when I get excited about something, the way I get excited about it, it's natural.

02:10:19.000 And I'm pumping it up, but I'm actually fired. 0.92

02:10:21.000 Of course they like it, but these fucking dummy executives, everybody, I'm not saying the Fox ones, I'm saying pretty much a huge group of, a huge percentage of the group of people that is In the producer position, a lot of them think that they're creative. 0.98

02:10:37.000 Also, you have to guess. 0.98

02:10:38.000 You have to guess what everyone's going to be into.

02:10:40.000 Exactly.

02:10:40.000 The most people they're going to be into are turned off by.

02:10:41.000 You can't tell me how to deliver the way I deliver.

02:10:45.000 I've been doing it forever.

02:10:46.000 They either like it or they don't.

02:10:47.000 Most people like it. 1.00

02:10:48.000 If you don't, tough shit. 0.99

02:10:49.000 If it doesn't sound like you're fucking baseball guys, you're basketball guys, it's not supposed to. 0.99

02:10:54.000 It's not. 0.96

02:10:54.000 It's not supposed to. 0.96

02:10:55.000 It's a different fucking sport, and this is the way I do it. 0.98

02:10:58.000 If I was doing football, I probably wouldn't do it this way. 0.99

02:11:00.000 You're lucky I don't curse.

02:11:00.000 Yeah, you're lucky I don't curse.

02:11:02.000 Well, I'm lucky I got the job.

02:11:04.000 Really, I'm lucky too.

02:11:05.000 But the whole idea behind going in and saying, oh, we're going to fix all this and fix all that, that's what happens in movies.

02:11:12.000 That's what happens on TV shows.

02:11:14.000 That's what happens.

02:11:15.000 It would happen in this podcast.

02:11:16.000 You're good at hiring a lighting guy.

02:11:18.000 Yeah.

02:11:18.000 If we brought in production people and we said, we're going to move the podcast to the studio, and Bob, I'd like you to produce this.

02:11:23.000 Just sort of take some of the strain away from me.

02:11:26.000 If you ever have anything to say, just talk in my ear, man.

02:11:28.000 Hey, man, I think you better take digits.

02:11:30.000 Change that subject.

02:11:31.000 This is a bad subject.

02:11:32.000 Could you imagine? 0.66

02:11:32.000 Can you imagine how fucking crazy we would go if there was an O'Brien moment and someone would go, hey man, you guys gotta stop that. 0.66

02:11:40.000 Shut up, man. 0.99

02:11:42.000 That's why I hate commercial breaks. 1.00

02:11:44.000 There's podcasts that do commercial breaks. 1.00

02:11:45.000 That's so stupid. 0.99

02:11:47.000 I'd rather do it up front. 1.00

02:11:48.000 Just have a conversation.

02:11:49.000 Every few minutes be like, and now we'll be right back.

02:11:52.000 Well, no one's doing it.

02:11:53.000 Well, these commercials are okay because you're just talking it out.

02:11:55.000 And we do get them out of the way.

02:11:57.000 Bill Burr does that.

02:11:58.000 He went on a rant when he did flowers.com or something.

02:12:00.000 Yeah.

02:12:01.000 He just went on a rant because it was Valentine's Day coming up.

02:12:03.000 He was like, yeah, you got to buy a girlfriend flowers.

02:12:05.000 Go to flowers.com and I'll get whatever present. 0.99

02:12:07.000 He goes, why the fuck is that still a thing? 0.96

02:12:08.000 Oh, like they don't get any enjoyment out of it either. 0.99

02:12:11.000 The sex.

02:12:12.000 We have to buy them.

02:12:12.000 That still just goes on this tangent.

02:12:14.000 Yeah.

02:12:14.000 So anyway, so go to flowers.com.

02:12:18.000 Yeah.

02:12:19.000 That's sort of how we would do it.

02:12:22.000 That's a way better way to do it.

02:12:24.000 I'm glad he's doing it.

02:12:26.000 As a comic, he's the same way I feel.

02:12:28.000 You don't want to have to say the same thing over and over again.

02:12:31.000 You're doing commercials now too.

02:12:32.000 How are you doing your commercials?

02:12:34.000 At the beginning.

02:12:35.000 I'll say what the episode's about.

02:12:37.000 I'll say the stuff I end up with my stand-up.

02:12:38.000 And then the sponsors.

02:12:39.000 But do you elaborate on the sponsors at all?

02:12:42.000 Like, how are you doing it?

02:12:43.000 It's like an Amazon deal or Gamefly.

02:12:45.000 And you're doing it like, do you do it like the way we're doing it?

02:12:49.000 Like, you just start talking whatever you feel about the...

02:12:51.000 Yeah, just mention it.

02:12:51.000 Yeah.

02:12:51.000 And just say, this is the deal.

02:12:53.000 I hate bothering people, so I usually express that.

02:12:55.000 Like, I hate bothering people.

02:12:56.000 But, like, anyway, this will get me money.

02:12:59.000 You know, people have complained about it, but that's just a certain percentage of the people are going to complain about it every day.

02:13:02.000 I feel like they're used to radio, though.

02:13:04.000 And in radio, there's tons of commercials all the time.

02:13:06.000 Right.

02:13:06.000 I know we're not the same thing as radio, but it's similar.

02:13:08.000 In the middle of it, but it is the same thing.

02:13:09.000 It's a conversation.

02:13:10.000 I mean, most of these people are listening to this thing.

02:13:12.000 They could easily be listening to the radio.

02:13:14.000 It's very similar.

02:13:15.000 iPhones or iPods in their cars is a huge percentage of the people that are listening to this show.

02:13:19.000 Yeah.

02:13:20.000 Because everybody has a little hookup now.

02:13:21.000 It's so easy to have a USB port.

02:13:24.000 Most new cars, like Fords, I know your car picks it up Bluetooth.

02:13:28.000 So you can stream it from your phone.

02:13:30.000 You know, by the way, if you don't have that in your car, there's something that I recently purchased.

02:13:35.000 And it's like this thing that you put in your car, and it's got three speakers, and it just goes right on your visor, and it automatically connects Bluetooth, and it can connect two Bluetooths at once, and it can either just stream music to it, and also you can take calls on it.

02:13:51.000 So if you don't have it in your car, I got this for, I think, $129.

02:13:55.000 I'll put it on my website, but it's good.

02:13:58.000 Most people have that hookup right from a phone to the car, if it's a music phone.

02:14:03.000 Right.

02:14:03.000 And in California, it's the law.

02:14:05.000 Like, I know in Ohio, you're still fucking driving around making phone calls, but in a lot of places, you can't do that anymore. 0.91

02:14:11.000 Yeah, you can get tickets. 0.95

02:14:12.000 There are people looking for people on phones every day.

02:14:13.000 You're not allowed to text, either.

02:14:15.000 When you shouldn't, goddammit, it drives me crazy when I see someone looking down their phone while their giant metal machine is hurling 60 miles an hour. 0.98

02:14:22.000 I'm like, you know, 60 miles an hour, you can cover a lot of goddamn distance in a couple of seconds. 0.99

02:14:27.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:14:27.000 And if you know anything about accidents, that's how shit happens. 0.99

02:14:30.000 It happens like, on a side of nowhere! 0.99

02:14:31.000 Right!

02:14:31.000 Boom!

02:14:32.000 I was, I was, uh, I was, yeah, last accident I had, I was drunk.

02:14:35.000 And I was, I was texting, trying to get to the comedy store before last call, without my glasses on.

02:14:40.000 Without your glasses on!

02:14:41.000 Oh my god!

02:14:43.000 And some, some, some cab stopped, and you don't expect them to stop for no reason.

02:14:47.000 How hard did you hit him?

02:14:47.000 I saw it last second, stopped him up, it still smashed him, and then somewhere a cop pulled over, and was like, and I was trying to give him the wave off, like, no, we're good, we got this covered.

02:14:56.000 Right.

02:14:56.000 But it was completely because I looked away from the road.

02:15:00.000 The cop waved off?

02:15:01.000 I waved off the cop.

02:15:02.000 He was slow down and was like, do you guys need any help?

02:15:04.000 I gave him a sign of like, we're handling this like adults.

02:15:06.000 We're just exchanging insurance.

02:15:07.000 Good for you.

02:15:08.000 All hammered, panicking, sweaty, heart beating your chest.

02:15:11.000 Also wondering if I can get back to the store in time.

02:15:13.000 What am I going to pull in a breathalyzer?

02:15:14.000 Am I still going to be able to get my set?

02:15:16.000 That's what happens when you drink and drive.

02:15:19.000 But texting and driving is super similar.

02:15:20.000 You just look away from the road.

02:15:22.000 I've done it a few times here and there, but I rarely do.

02:15:25.000 I do it all the time.

02:15:26.000 Of course, you learned your lesson and you've never done it since this accident, right?

02:15:29.000 Drink and drive?

02:15:29.000 Yes.

02:15:31.000 I left the Stan Hope show.

02:15:32.000 I don't know if that was before or after.

02:15:34.000 I think that might have been the last one because nothing happened to that one.

02:15:37.000 I was beyond lit up.

02:15:38.000 I couldn't stay to the end.

02:15:39.000 Really?

02:15:39.000 I needed to get air.

02:15:40.000 And you drove home?

02:15:40.000 I drove home and I kept telling myself that if I get to the store, I only live a few blocks away from the store.

02:15:45.000 If I get there, I'll just pull over there.

02:15:46.000 But I'm like, what are you talking about?

02:15:48.000 It doesn't make any sense.

02:15:49.000 Yeah, you're a block away from the store.

02:15:51.000 That's 95% of the way there.

02:15:52.000 Dude, why did you drive that obliterator?

02:15:54.000 I was drunk and I could not make the right decision.

02:15:56.000 I made the wrong decision.

02:15:57.000 And luckily, nothing happened.

02:15:59.000 How hard was it to stay in the lanes?

02:16:01.000 I think I concentrated hard.

02:16:03.000 I managed to do it, but I shouldn't.

02:16:04.000 I've driven jump before.

02:16:05.000 I think I'm going to handle this, but almost everybody has.

02:16:08.000 But this was not one of those times.

02:16:10.000 That's scary, dude.

02:16:11.000 I hate hearing that.

02:16:13.000 Everybody out there, learn from Ari. 1.00

02:16:14.000 Don't do that shit. 1.00

02:16:15.000 That's a terrible thing. 1.00

02:16:18.000 Scary.

02:16:18.000 It was.

02:16:19.000 You don't control your body, man.

02:16:20.000 You have less control, and you want to feel like you have control, but you don't.

02:16:22.000 And you're driving a giant death machine.

02:16:24.000 Giant death machine.

02:16:25.000 That's what it is.

02:16:26.000 Everyone does it.

02:16:27.000 Everyone drives a little drunk, but it's like, you know, you put people at risk.

02:16:30.000 Not everyone does it, man. 0.99

02:16:30.000 I try really hard not to do it, but it's certainly a fucking problem. 0.99

02:16:35.000 I remember in high school, though, I used to have like a note, like one drink and I'm done rule. 0.97

02:16:38.000 I don't know if you guys had that, but that went away.

02:16:40.000 It's a great rule, yeah.

02:16:41.000 No, I have had those.

02:16:42.000 Especially if I'm driving.

02:16:43.000 If I'm doing a show, I can have a beer, maybe two beers on stage, but if I know I've got to drive afterwards, it's the worst feeling in the world.

02:16:50.000 You've got to sober up.

02:16:51.000 But Sam Kinison said it the best.

02:16:53.000 Well, you can't leave your car there.

02:16:55.000 How are you going to get your car home?

02:16:57.000 Something like that.

02:16:57.000 Get a toad.

02:16:58.000 Yeah, that's not realistic for most people.

02:17:00.000 No, most people it's not.

02:17:02.000 Vancouver, I don't know if all of Canada, but Vancouver at least, they have super strict laws, so people just don't do it.

02:17:07.000 Yeah, I think that's one of the great things about living in New York City, that everybody's just hopping in cabs.

02:17:11.000 Cabs and subway home.

02:17:12.000 Yeah, cabs, subway, you don't have to be responsible for being hammered.

02:17:16.000 Yeah.

02:17:17.000 But then you have to live in New York City.

02:17:21.000 Which I don't think I'm willing to do.

02:17:23.000 We're going to be there.

02:17:24.000 We're going to be in New York in May, right?

02:17:27.000 When is it, Brian?

02:17:28.000 May 4th.

02:17:29.000 May 4th?

02:17:30.000 Yeah.

02:17:31.000 Oh, this weekend we're at the Comedy and Magic Club, too.

02:17:35.000 Are you going to do it?

02:17:35.000 No.

02:17:35.000 Maybe I can just do Friday.

02:17:37.000 Okay, what night?

02:17:37.000 You want to do Friday night?

02:17:38.000 Yeah.

02:17:39.000 Which show?

02:17:39.000 Both shows?

02:17:40.000 Yeah, I guess so.

02:17:40.000 Okay.

02:17:42.000 That's how quick we roll, ladies and gentlemen.

02:17:43.000 That's how we make decisions.

02:17:44.000 And Saturday, little Esther doesn't know yet, but I'm going to ask her to do it with me and Duncan.

02:17:51.000 So you're going to do just Friday?

02:17:52.000 Yeah.

02:17:52.000 Little Esther and Duncan Friday.

02:17:54.000 So Ari and Duncan on Friday and little Esther, if she wants to do it, and Duncan on Saturday.

02:18:01.000 This weekend, Comedy Magic Club.

02:18:02.000 But the big one is 420 in Atlanta. 0.99

02:18:04.000 That's my fucking special. 0.99

02:18:05.000 I'm taping it. 1.00

02:18:06.000 This is the best shit I've ever had. 0.99

02:18:08.000 I could have taped the special a year ago. 1.00

02:18:10.000 Yeah, you were ready a long time ago.

02:18:11.000 I've never been this...

02:18:14.000 I did an hour and 40 minutes the other night, and it was just all material.

02:18:18.000 Really? 1.00

02:18:19.000 Yeah, I got a lot of shit. 0.99

02:18:21.000 I went through all of it, and I still don't think I did everything. 0.98

02:18:25.000 I still have some other stuff that I've written down that I sort of abandoned along the way, and I have to figure out where to put certain things.

02:18:33.000 If you didn't get back to it, it's like, okay, I didn't.

02:18:35.000 Maybe I'll start from here for the next year.

02:18:38.000 This never got good.

02:18:39.000 Yeah, there's some bits.

02:18:40.000 Well, there's some bits I can't keep doing.

02:18:42.000 Yeah, you're just done with them.

02:18:43.000 You're sick of it, right?

02:18:44.000 Yeah, I gotta get rid of them.

02:18:45.000 Even if they don't make it to the special, I'm getting rid of them.

02:18:48.000 Yeah, they're just holding you back creatively after a certain amount of time.

02:18:50.000 Exactly!

02:18:52.000 So, April 20th at the Tabernacle.

02:18:54.000 Say it, Brian.

02:18:55.000 Tabernacle.

02:18:59.000 In Atlanta.

02:19:01.000 Can I mention three dates?

02:19:02.000 I got three big dates. 0.99

02:19:02.000 Yeah, fuck yeah. 0.99

02:19:03.000 What do you got? 1.00

02:19:03.000 I got Vancouver, 29th through the 31st. 1.00

02:19:05.000 Oh shit, where at? 0.98

02:19:06.000 The comedy mix. 1.00

02:19:06.000 Ooh, one of the best clubs in the world. 1.00

02:19:08.000 Yeah, that's a big show.

02:19:09.000 So when is that?

02:19:10.000 April what?

02:19:11.000 No, March 29th through the 31st.

02:19:13.000 March 29th through the 31st, comedy mix in Vancouver.

02:19:16.000 Yeah.

02:19:17.000 Ari Shaffir, who are you working with?

02:19:19.000 I don't know.

02:19:19.000 They've got to give me someone there.

02:19:21.000 They got a good local scene.

02:19:23.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:19:23.000 Yeah, there's a lot of good comics.

02:19:24.000 We were up there, me and Segura did sets there last time we were there.

02:19:28.000 Oh, yeah.

02:19:28.000 And they had a great local scene.

02:19:30.000 Yeah, I'm sure.

02:19:30.000 They got a lot of funny comics.

02:19:31.000 It's a big fun city.

02:19:32.000 Anywhere west coast.

02:19:33.000 Yeah, Vancouver's awesome.

02:19:34.000 It's one of the greatest cities in the world.

02:19:36.000 It wins like greatest city in the world all the time.

02:19:38.000 Really?

02:19:39.000 Yeah.

02:19:39.000 It's very friendly and worldly.

02:19:40.000 It's beautiful.

02:19:41.000 It's west coast.

02:19:42.000 They're all chilled back and laid back.

02:19:43.000 Food's incredible.

02:19:44.000 Some of the best restaurants.

02:19:45.000 Jesus Christ, we've had some incredible steaks at that place.

02:19:49.000 Vancouver's amazing.

02:19:50.000 That's one of my favorite places to go ever.

02:19:52.000 So you're there March 29th through the 31st.

02:19:56.000 And that comedy mix is the downstairs of a hotel.

02:20:00.000 Yeah, that's the old Yuck Yucks that we did once a long, long time ago.

02:20:03.000 Yeah, it's a great spot.

02:20:04.000 It's a perfect size.

02:20:05.000 It's close to the area of downtown wherever it goes out.

02:20:07.000 It's like two blocks away.

02:20:08.000 It's a perfect size club.

02:20:10.000 That place is amazing.

02:20:11.000 Yeah.

02:20:12.000 And then I think I'm doing an album. 0.99

02:20:13.000 Oh, shit! 0.98

02:20:15.000 I think I'm going to try again to take that thing. 0.99

02:20:16.000 So the first one didn't work out?

02:20:18.000 No, they just didn't get there in time.

02:20:19.000 They just fucked up the recording too much. 0.63

02:20:21.000 I didn't want to do it wrong.

02:20:22.000 What'd they do?

02:20:23.000 They missed the first three days.

02:20:25.000 What?

02:20:25.000 They just didn't come.

02:20:26.000 Why not?

02:20:28.000 They weren't organized.

02:20:30.000 So they were supposed to be there and they never got there?

02:20:32.000 Yeah.

02:20:32.000 Wow, who was this?

02:20:33.000 I don't know if I should say or not.

02:20:34.000 Don't say. 1.00

02:20:35.000 Yeah, but it was just really shit. 0.99

02:20:36.000 Are you still working with them? 0.99

02:20:36.000 No, they were like, want to do it again? 0.99

02:20:37.000 I'm like, I think I'm going to do it on my own.

02:20:39.000 I don't want to try this again. 1.00

02:20:40.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:20:41.000 It was really frustrating. 0.99

02:20:41.000 They weren't there Wednesday, they weren't there Thursday. 0.99

02:20:43.000 Oh, and you're killing. 0.66

02:20:44.000 Yeah.

02:20:45.000 And Thursday was a super conservative crowd in Edmonton, but they laughed super hard at all the cleaner jokes.

02:20:51.000 Right.

02:20:51.000 And I was like, that's the best reaction those clean jokes have ever gotten.

02:20:54.000 Right.

02:20:54.000 Like, I would have liked to have had that down.

02:20:56.000 And then Friday, they sent somebody in, but he used to know the system.

02:20:59.000 And then Saturday, there was all this feedback from the soda machine.

02:21:01.000 Oh, no.

02:21:03.000 So they just couldn't use two full bits.

02:21:04.000 And I was like, I want them. 0.99

02:21:06.000 Yeah, that shit's annoying. 0.99

02:21:07.000 It's hard to fucking get a special down. 1.00

02:21:10.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:21:10.000 There's a lot of pressure to just... 0.98

02:21:12.000 Have that moment be just like a real show.

02:21:15.000 So that's why I'm doing a lot of shows between now and then.

02:21:17.000 If you see me adding shows, that's exactly what's going on.

02:21:20.000 Trying to get ready.

02:21:21.000 Yeah, that's why I'm doing Hollywood.

02:21:25.000 I'm doing the improv.

02:21:27.000 April 13th, 14th, and 15th.

02:21:29.000 The Hollywood, not California, rather.

02:21:33.000 Hollywood, Florida.

02:21:35.000 The one with the hard rock.

02:21:36.000 So that's April 13th, 14th.

02:21:38.000 And then the 20th Atlantic.

02:21:40.000 Oh, in Louisiana.

02:21:41.000 We're doing the improv in Louisiana.

02:21:45.000 Is it Louisiana improv?

02:21:47.000 In Louisville, Kentucky.

02:21:48.000 Did I say Louisiana?

02:21:49.000 I did.

02:21:50.000 Jesus Christ.

02:21:51.000 Who lets me talk?

02:21:53.000 How do I have a living talking? 0.92

02:21:55.000 Tab or nipple. 0.81

02:21:56.000 Tab or nipple. 0.81

02:21:57.000 3330. March 30th through April 1st, we're at the Louisville, Louisville, Kentucky Improv.

02:22:03.000 You just do as many sets as you can and get like right in groove.

02:22:05.000 I'm just trying to, I'm getting up like crazy.

02:22:07.000 I'm just going to get up every weekend, all week, everywhere.

02:22:10.000 Just going to just bang it out and listening to sets, doing a lot of writing too.

02:22:14.000 And I'm also preparing for the next stuff.

02:22:17.000 So I'm sandwiching in new bits.

02:22:19.000 Half, yeah.

02:22:19.000 And I find out when I do that, I make my older bits better anyway.

02:22:23.000 It makes my whole set better when I'm jamming new shit into them. 0.87

02:22:25.000 I had a friend ask me about this. 0.86

02:22:26.000 He goes, sometimes, Mike Stork, he was like, sometimes I feel like if I do these old bits, I make them longer and I add stuff to them.

02:22:32.000 But my theory with that is, that new stuff, that new creative stuff that you put into that, you would put into the other new bit.

02:22:38.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:22:38.000 You just make your other bits better.

02:22:40.000 There's both.

02:22:40.000 You know, I think that a bit can cook for a certain amount of time, then after a while, it's done.

02:22:44.000 It's done.

02:22:45.000 Sometimes it's not done, and you're like a year into this bit, but then in the next year, you'll come up with all this great new shit to go along with it, and now it becomes like a real piece that you're proud of, and then you let it go.

02:22:57.000 It's all like knowing when to let it go, you know?

02:22:59.000 It's hard.

02:23:02.000 Friday I'll be at the Ice House with Joey Diaz and Doug Benson for the Ice House Chronicles.

02:23:07.000 Yeah, but the Ice House Chronicles, by the way, are available only on iTunes under the Death Squad label.

02:23:14.000 It's all free and everything, and it's deathsquad.tv.

02:23:17.000 That to be it.

02:23:17.000 And that last one we did with Greg Fitzsimmons and Joey Diaz, Brody Stevens, Lil' Esther.

02:23:22.000 We just put it up.

02:23:24.000 Boom! 0.99

02:23:24.000 So, that's it. 0.99

02:23:25.000 This weekend, I'm at the Comedy Magic Club at Hermosa Beach on Friday night with Ari Shafir and Duncan Trestle.

02:23:32.000 And on Saturday night, Duncan and Lil' Esther. 0.99

02:23:34.000 Come on down, you dirty bitches. 1.00

02:23:37.000 And then, of course, all the other information is available on JoeRogan.net. 0.99

02:23:40.000 The big one, though, is the Tabernacle in Atlanta, April 20th.

02:23:44.000 It's going down.

02:23:45.000 Two shows.

02:23:46.000 The first show is essentially sold out.

02:23:48.000 It's way cooler to be there for a taping like that.

02:23:50.000 Yeah.

02:23:51.000 To say you were there.

02:23:52.000 This is my best one.

02:23:53.000 I'm coming out guns blazing. 1.00

02:23:54.000 This is my best shit ever. 0.99

02:23:56.000 And I'm going to release it Louis C.K. style on the internet. 0.99

02:23:58.000 Five bucks.

02:23:59.000 Gingerly.

02:24:00.000 My last big date that I've got to say is Dallas.

02:24:02.000 Dallas.

02:24:02.000 Addison.

02:24:03.000 Addison Improv.

02:24:03.000 When is that?

02:24:04.000 Second week of April.

02:24:05.000 That's a huge spot for you, man.

02:24:06.000 That's awesome.

02:24:07.000 I'm glad.

02:24:07.000 That's the improv letting me in and saying, like, let's see how well you do.

02:24:09.000 We're going to have you on that week.

02:24:11.000 Crush that.

02:24:11.000 What is it again?

02:24:13.000 Addison Improv.

02:24:13.000 When?

02:24:14.000 April, let's say, 11th through the 14th.

02:24:16.000 And they can get this information.

02:24:17.000 12th through the 15th, April, Addison Improv.

02:24:20.000 And they can get this information on AriTheGreat.com.

02:24:22.000 AriTheGreat.com.

02:24:23.000 It's all right there.

02:24:23.000 And follow Ari on Twitter.

02:24:25.000 Ari Shafir. 1.00

02:24:26.000 S-H-A-F-F-I-R. You fucking savages. 1.00

02:24:31.000 Alright, thank you, everybody. 1.00

02:24:32.000 Thank you, Ari.

02:24:33.000 It's always fun.

02:24:33.000 Thank you, everybody, tuning in.

02:24:35.000 Thank you, all the powerful people out there on Twitter.

02:24:36.000 Everyone should tweet if they're there at your show.

02:24:39.000 You should call it like 420Rogan or something.

02:24:41.000 Get a hashtag?

02:24:43.000 Yeah, what should it be?

02:24:43.000 Okay, 420Rogan.

02:24:45.000 Yeah, 420Rogan.

02:24:46.000 Why not?

02:24:47.000 Rogan's what you first said.

02:24:48.000 Rogan420.

02:24:49.000 Yeah.

02:24:50.000 420Rogan.

02:24:50.000 Yeah, 420Rogan.

02:24:51.000 Okay, so that's the new hashtag.

02:24:53.000 420Rogan.

02:24:53.000 That's leading up to the special.

02:24:54.000 April 20th.

02:24:55.000 Yeah, beautiful. 0.98

02:24:56.000 Well, I'm fucking writing every day for this thing. 0.96

02:24:59.000 I'm geared up. 0.99

02:25:00.000 I'm ready to rock and roll.

02:25:00.000 I've never been more prepared to do a special or more excited to do a special.

02:25:04.000 I'm just excited about comedy right now.

02:25:06.000 Part of it has been doing a lot of these sets at the Ice House and doing the Ice House Chronicles and doing these podcasts.

02:25:12.000 I'm just excited about everything, man.

02:25:14.000 I've never been happier. 0.99

02:25:15.000 I'm in the groove, bitches! 1.00

02:25:17.000 Alright, thank you to the Fleshlight. 0.94

02:25:19.000 Please go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the flashlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, and you will save 15% off.

02:25:25.000 And today, this is the last day.

02:25:27.000 Today is Monday, March 19th.

02:25:29.000 At midnight, this will expire.

02:25:31.000 But until then, if you go to Onnit.com and enter in the code name TRYIT, you will save 35% off single 30-count bottles.

02:25:41.000 Otherwise, if you use the word Rogan, you will save 10% off all orders. 0.96

02:25:45.000 That's the deal, bitches. 1.00

02:25:46.000 Please support our sponsors. 0.99

02:25:48.000 Please keep listening.

02:25:49.000 Please keep coming to our shows.

02:25:51.000 It's because of the people.

02:25:51.000 That's why you're more into it.

02:25:52.000 That's why you're grooving now.

02:25:53.000 Yeah.

02:25:53.000 Because of these people listening.

02:25:54.000 Yeah, man.

02:25:55.000 There's a movement going on here. 0.99

02:25:57.000 There's some crazy shit going down, Ari Shafir. 0.99

02:25:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:25:59.000 Don't you feel it? 1.00

02:26:00.000 I do feel it. 0.99

02:26:00.000 You're fucking headlining all over the country now, all over the world. 0.99

02:26:03.000 You're international. 0.99

02:26:03.000 I finally sort of feel fulfilled. 0.99

02:26:05.000 This is awesome.

02:26:06.000 As an artist, yeah.

02:26:07.000 People are like, aren't you afraid of being on the road all the time?

02:26:08.000 I'm like, no.

02:26:09.000 You're professional.

02:26:10.000 I love it. 1.00

02:26:12.000 Already selling out, bitches. 1.00

02:26:13.000 Get in there. 1.00

02:26:14.000 Go get some!

02:26:15.000 That's it.

02:26:16.000 We will see you guys on Wednesday with... 0.93

02:26:18.000 We don't even fucking know yet. 0.59

02:26:19.000 We don't even know who the guest is. 0.98

02:26:20.000 Sasquatch.

02:26:21.000 They're getting Sasquatch.

02:26:22.000 I'm trying.

02:26:23.000 I've been trying for years.

02:26:24.000 See you guys.

02:26:25.000 Thank you.

02:26:26.000 Love you.

02:26:26.000 Bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 19, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #197 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript