The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #199 - Joey Diaz

00:00:02.000 the Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by the flashlight If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy from me.

00:00:19.000 That's the sound of opening The Fleshlight.

00:00:22.000 That's what it sounds like.

00:00:23.000 Have you seen the new ones?

00:00:24.000 No.

00:00:25.000 There's a new design.

00:00:27.000 It's called, I think, the Pilot or something.

00:00:29.000 And it's really slick.

00:00:30.000 It looks like an Alienware computer of fleshlights.

00:00:33.000 It's just designed really cool.

00:00:35.000 Really neat form. 0.99

00:00:37.000 Do you really care what something looks like, though, while you're fucking it? 0.98

00:00:40.000 Well, if I'm going to have it on my shelf or in my kitchen, it looks better. 0.99

00:00:43.000 It's not a human, though.

00:00:45.000 Oh, no, I don't care.

00:00:46.000 Really?

00:00:46.000 What do you care what it looks like?

00:00:48.000 It's just the, you know, so if somebody sees it, it looks cooler.

00:00:51.000 Kind of like why you buy like a, instead of buying like a, you know, a shitty computer, like that you get $300 at Fry's, you see like that, wow, look at that crazy robot computer, you know, that's, it's cooler to look at if you have it in your kitchen.

00:01:03.000 It's just got more nerd cred. 0.53

00:01:05.000 Yeah, you should look at it.

00:01:06.000 Go to Fleshlight.com, you can actually see it.

00:01:08.000 Or you go through to your website and click on the link and then it opens up Fleshlight.

00:01:11.000 And then you enter in the code name ROGEN and you get 15% off.

00:01:14.000 Yay! 0.99

00:01:16.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, makers of Alpha Brain. 1.00

00:01:20.000 Maybe someone was on some Alpha Brain when they designed that shit, man. 0.99

00:01:24.000 It looks like some sort of a bong. 1.00

00:01:26.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:01:27.000 A lot of naked girls on that site. 1.00

00:01:29.000 Hey, here's a tip. 1.00

00:01:30.000 Don't click on that shit while you're at work. 0.99

00:01:31.000 Do not click on Flesh Jack. 1.00

00:01:33.000 I accidentally did that and it becomes the most craziest website ever.

00:01:38.000 It starts showing bears.

00:01:41.000 And guys, like, hugging each other while using fleshlights.

00:01:44.000 Like, look at this.

00:01:45.000 Let's try a...

00:01:45.000 You just click on this, and then next thing you know, it's just like, hey, look at me looking at my fleshlight.

00:01:52.000 What?

00:01:53.000 It's like a gay version of the fleshlight, but it's called Fleshjack. 1.00

00:01:56.000 It's called the Fleshjack Boys. 0.86

00:01:59.000 Oh, wow.

00:02:00.000 And it's just a bunch of guys and... 0.99

00:02:03.000 Fucking fleshlights with other guys, where other guys are kissing. 0.99

00:02:06.000 And I don't know how I got on this one, but there's one. 0.99

00:02:08.000 Somewhere in here, there's two really hairy men that look like Burt Kreischer and Tom Segura hugging each other while using a fleshlight on each other.

00:02:17.000 It's really horrible.

00:02:19.000 This is hilarious. 1.00

00:02:20.000 It's dudes masturbating into these fleshlight mouths. 1.00

00:02:23.000 God, I wish I could find it. 1.00

00:02:25.000 Look for the hairy bear guys that are sitting on each other's laps. 0.76

00:02:29.000 It's hilarious. 1.00

00:02:30.000 Can you imagine somebody jerking you off, a man whacking you off with a fucking fleshlight with your dick? 1.00

00:02:36.000 Not even in his hand, but in his little milkshake cup. 1.00

00:02:39.000 And he's like, how does it feel just whacking you the fuck off? 1.00

00:02:42.000 Where does your fucking life go from there? 1.00

00:02:45.000 Thank you, Fleshlight, for promoting Freaks R Us and shit now. 1.00

00:02:48.000 It's tremendous. 0.85

00:02:49.000 I love it.

00:02:50.000 Some people would like it, though.

00:02:50.000 No, they would!

00:02:51.000 Everybody's got their own little kink, right? 0.91

00:02:53.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:02:54.000 Some people would like that. 1.00

00:02:55.000 If I was gay and I had wanted my hairy friend to sit behind me and jack me off slowly while he kissed me in the back of the neck and started licking inside my ear and wrestling with my hair... 1.00

00:03:04.000 Yeah, but the reason to become gay is to fuck other people's asshole up. 1.00

00:03:08.000 It's not to whack off in a cup. 1.00

00:03:10.000 I could whack off in a cup and be straight and be hanging out with guys, you know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:03:14.000 Well, all gay means is that they're sexually attracted to men, right? 1.00

00:03:17.000 To men, correct. 0.98

00:03:17.000 They can do it all kinds of different ways, right? 0.98

00:03:19.000 But I'd even never liked a woman whacking me off. 0.71

00:03:21.000 Can you imagine with a couple women, what do I need you for? 1.00

00:03:23.000 It's like an oxytundrum, whatever the fuck that word is. 0.99

00:03:25.000 Apparently, I talked to a gay couple after a show once who wanted to correct me. 1.00

00:03:30.000 And they wanted to let me know that not everyone who's gay takes it in the ass. 1.00

00:03:35.000 So I was like, alright. 1.00

00:03:37.000 So what do you do?

00:03:38.000 Do you just blow each other?

00:03:38.000 And the guy was like, yeah, basically.

00:03:40.000 I'm like, why would you care if that distinction is even out there?

00:03:44.000 Why would you even want anyone to know what your bedroom practices are?

00:03:49.000 We don't even do that.

00:03:51.000 You don't even do that?

00:03:52.000 Okay.

00:03:52.000 Why do I need to know this?

00:03:54.000 You're telling me that people don't?

00:03:56.000 You know?

00:03:57.000 They certainly do.

00:03:58.000 So, can't you make fun of that?

00:04:00.000 Isn't that okay?

00:04:01.000 I think it's open waters.

00:04:03.000 It's open waters.

00:04:03.000 For them bear pirates.

00:04:06.000 I have nothing against nobody.

00:04:08.000 I just don't understand why get a cup and have a guy come over and whack you off with a cup.

00:04:12.000 I don't get it, but if that's your kink. 0.99

00:04:14.000 But if that's your kink. 1.00

00:04:15.000 A lot of people like fucking walking off by women's feet. 1.00

00:04:18.000 A lot of people like a lot of crazy shit. 1.00

00:04:19.000 People could like the craziest combinations of shit. 1.00

00:04:23.000 There's a lot of fucking weirdos out there, man. 1.00

00:04:26.000 I used to date a chick that used to suck my fucking nipples. 1.00

00:04:28.000 I hate that shit. 1.00

00:04:29.000 Yeah, get away from my nipples. 1.00

00:04:31.000 Trying to suck your fucking nipples, and that was her freak. 1.00

00:04:33.000 She wanted to suck your nipples because that's how she got off. 1.00

00:04:36.000 I used to date a Korean chick that you would have to cum on her face, and then she would have to masturbate for her to cum. 1.00

00:04:41.000 Because the warmth from the fucking jizz on her face got her all excited. 1.00

00:04:46.000 That's the only way you could get her to cum? 1.00

00:04:48.000 That's the only way, and she was a fucking savage! 1.00

00:04:52.000 It's like getting a raft rash. 0.99

00:04:54.000 Like when you used to do that body surfing thing on those rafts and the salt water and the sand would just start scratching your chest up when you're a kid.

00:05:01.000 Yeah, they don't work.

00:05:03.000 They're dead.

00:05:04.000 But I have a friend, my friend Brian Holloway from Executive Billiards and White Plains. 0.99

00:05:08.000 He used to love girls playing with his nipple. 1.00

00:05:11.000 He'd talk about it too. 1.00

00:05:11.000 He's a freak. 1.00

00:05:13.000 Man! 1.00

00:05:14.000 He goes, bitch, be playing with my nipple? 1.00

00:05:15.000 God damn, I get hard as fuck. 1.00

00:05:18.000 It was really funny. 1.00

00:05:19.000 He was a funny dude, man.

00:05:20.000 He was like one of those guys that you didn't hang around with at the pool hall who always made everybody.

00:05:24.000 He was way funnier than me. 0.98

00:05:26.000 He was always saying funny shit there. 1.00

00:05:28.000 What a fucking character. 1.00

00:05:29.000 But he always talked about his nipples, man. 1.00

00:05:31.000 Girl, you can't touch my nipples, man. 1.00

00:05:33.000 Damn! 1.00

00:05:35.000 Everybody's different, you know? 0.99

00:05:36.000 I think once a girl is with a guy that likes that, it's like us.

00:05:40.000 We think everybody likes that. 1.00

00:05:41.000 So they try that shit and at first it's okay. 1.00

00:05:43.000 You're like, why are you sucking my fucking lip? 1.00

00:05:45.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

00:05:48.000 I'm trying to crack a nut and you bring me back to fucking childhood here. 1.00

00:05:52.000 That's hilarious. 0.99

00:05:53.000 What are you going to do?

00:05:55.000 Onnit.com.

00:05:56.000 O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, which is a cognitive enhancing supplement.

00:06:01.000 All the information, if you have any questions, it's very, very detailed on Onnit.com.

00:06:07.000 What's funny?

00:06:08.000 I got to this point on fleshjack.com where these two pilots, it's like a storyline thing where they just take off their clothes and they're like, hey, we're pilots and now we're working out together with our fleshlights naked. 0.92

00:06:21.000 You want to masturbate together in this air hanger?

00:06:23.000 Yeah, Brian, I don't think you should watch that. 1.00

00:06:27.000 I would not be as confident in my sexuality if I was you.

00:06:31.000 I wouldn't be as confident to watch those videos.

00:06:33.000 I think it's so funny to watch.

00:06:35.000 I'm not obviously going to sit there and watch it alone in my house.

00:06:37.000 I have to have other people in the room, so it's more of a joke.

00:06:42.000 Yeah, that is a true thing.

00:06:46.000 It's all context. 0.74

00:06:47.000 If you're looking at something and going, wow, that's so fucking hot. 0.92

00:06:51.000 You could look at murders and be like, wow. 0.97

00:06:54.000 If you're watching something really fucked up, it should really be in the presence of a lot of other people. 0.84

00:06:58.000 So you can evaluate it together. 1.00

00:07:01.000 That's just shocking shit. 1.00

00:07:02.000 Watching something fucked up when you're alone and you have to think about it. 1.00

00:07:07.000 And you get scared and shit. 1.00

00:07:08.000 And you have to take off your clothes. 0.99

00:07:10.000 At least it's a bunch of you together.

00:07:12.000 You're like, we're all together.

00:07:13.000 We're okay.

00:07:14.000 Let's make fun of this real quick. 0.99

00:07:17.000 I don't like watching creepy shit by myself anyway. 1.00

00:07:20.000 I'll fucking sleep with the light on and shit. 0.99

00:07:22.000 I don't like none of that stuff at night. 1.00

00:07:24.000 The other night, The Exorcist was on.

00:07:26.000 And I was just scrolling.

00:07:27.000 It was like 1.15.

00:07:28.000 I think it was Friday night. 1.00

00:07:29.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:07:30.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:07:31.000 I only watch The Exorcist in the daytime, bitch. 1.00

00:07:34.000 With the lights on, with the fucking daylight on. 1.00

00:07:37.000 At the time... 1.00

00:07:38.000 The devil don't come out of the daylight, though. 1.00

00:07:40.000 At the time, that was a fucking monster of a movie, man. 0.99

00:07:43.000 Woo, that was a scary movie. 1.00

00:07:44.000 There's some scary fucking movies out there. 1.00

00:07:46.000 Get through this commercial. 1.00

00:07:48.000 Yeah.

00:07:48.000 Onnit.com.

00:07:49.000 Oh, my God.

00:07:49.000 Alpha Brain.

00:07:50.000 That was killing me.

00:07:51.000 You guys know what it is.

00:07:52.000 Listen, it's all...

00:07:53.000 They're all nootropics.

00:07:54.000 I've said this 100,000 times in the podcast.

00:07:57.000 I try not to...

00:07:57.000 Almost 200 times, actually.

00:07:59.000 We're about our 200th episode.

00:08:01.000 Yeah.

00:08:01.000 We're celebrating at the Ice House Wednesday.

00:08:03.000 Yeah.

00:08:04.000 So we'll talk about that on the podcast as well.

00:08:06.000 Jesus Christ, Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, what are they?

00:08:10.000 They're all nootropics and the other ones are athletic performance enhancing supplements and the Shroom Tech Immune is an immune enhancing supplement.

00:08:20.000 All the information, any questions you have is all available on Onnit.com.

00:08:25.000 If you order the first order of 30 pills, if you don't like it, you get 100% of your money back.

00:08:32.000 You don't have to send the product back.

00:08:34.000 We don't want to rip anybody off.

00:08:35.000 I believe in this stuff.

00:08:37.000 I've been taking Neutropics and vitamins and supplements for years and years, and they make a big difference.

00:08:43.000 I think it's really important to eat healthy, but I think it's also really important to take supplements.

00:08:48.000 I think they've had a tremendous impact on me.

00:08:52.000 I can feel it, especially when you train hard.

00:08:54.000 If you do a lot of work now, you feel the difference between getting the proper nutrients, the proper diet.

00:08:59.000 So get into that first, please, before you do anything.

00:09:03.000 Google Nootropics.

00:09:04.000 But if you're interested, go to Onnit.com.

00:09:06.000 And if you enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 10% off any and all orders.

00:09:12.000 So go do that.

00:09:14.000 Check it out.

00:09:15.000 Google Nootropics.

00:09:16.000 There's a lot of other companies that have some good stuff.

00:09:18.000 Bill Romanowski.

00:09:19.000 Is that his name?

00:09:20.000 Yes, sir.

00:09:21.000 He's got a great one called Neuro One.

00:09:24.000 I like that one, too.

00:09:26.000 So that's it.

00:09:26.000 Podcast about to start.

00:09:28.000 Now.

00:09:29.000 Joe Diaz is here.

00:09:30.000 This is...

00:09:31.000 It's official.

00:09:32.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:09:34.000 Train by day.

00:09:35.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night.

00:09:36.000 All day.

00:09:42.000 Powerful Joey Diaz. 1.00

00:09:44.000 What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? 1.00

00:09:47.000 Always good to see you, my brother. 1.00

00:09:48.000 What's happening?

00:09:49.000 What's up, Red Man? 0.67

00:09:49.000 Hi! 0.67

00:09:50.000 Thank you for having me on Friday night.

00:09:52.000 Great time up there at the Ice House Chronicles. 0.99

00:09:54.000 The Ice House has been the funest fucking place to hang. 0.99

00:09:57.000 That was awesome. 0.99

00:09:58.000 We've been having a good time there, man. 1.00

00:09:59.000 We're putting Pasadena in the motherfucking map again as shit. 0.99

00:10:02.000 It's a fun place, man. 1.00

00:10:03.000 It's a fucking fun place, man. 0.97

00:10:05.000 It's all nice people. 0.98

00:10:06.000 Everybody that works there is nice. 0.94

00:10:08.000 Shows have been fucking great.

00:10:09.000 All fun shows. 0.94

00:10:11.000 We're doing, this Wednesday, we're doing a show in the big room.

00:10:16.000 We just announced it.

00:10:16.000 Tickets just went out to sell today.

00:10:18.000 It's really stupid because the show is tomorrow night. 0.98

00:10:22.000 But that's how we do. 0.98

00:10:23.000 You know, we don't do much prior planning.

00:10:25.000 But it's at the Ice House in Pasadena in the bigger room.

00:10:29.000 And we're going to have a 200th episode podcast and extravaganza.

00:10:34.000 And Joe Diaz, are you going to be there?

00:10:36.000 No, brother.

00:10:37.000 I'm out of town. 1.00

00:10:37.000 You know I love you motherfuckers, you know? 1.00

00:10:39.000 Where are you headed? 1.00

00:10:40.000 I'm headed to the fucking capital of debt. 1.00

00:10:42.000 What's that? 1.00

00:10:43.000 Miami Beach.

00:10:44.000 Miami Beach.

00:10:45.000 Oh, son.

00:10:46.000 Miami Beach.

00:10:47.000 Oh, that's right.

00:10:48.000 Yeah, your headline in the improv. 1.00

00:10:50.000 Goddamn. 0.99

00:10:51.000 It's all different now. 0.99

00:10:52.000 Coconut Grove is all different now.

00:10:54.000 It was like a city of sin when we were there years ago.

00:10:57.000 Now it's very quiet.

00:10:58.000 That whole mall doesn't have no more wet willies. 0.98

00:11:01.000 No more wet willies?

00:11:02.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:11:04.000 I'm staying at the Sinesta Hotel, which is different.

00:11:07.000 You know, they have like Coco Walk and they still got Howl at the Moon.

00:11:11.000 Yeah.

00:11:11.000 You know, for people who are coked up and want to go in there and sing songs.

00:11:15.000 And, you know, they changed it around.

00:11:16.000 So it's a different vibe.

00:11:18.000 I'm excited about going down there.

00:11:19.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:11:19.000 When was the last time you were there?

00:11:21.000 Three, four years ago.

00:11:22.000 Three years ago in September or something.

00:11:24.000 The thing with me was even more than that.

00:11:26.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:11:27.000 You just go to Fort Lauderdale.

00:11:28.000 It was too crazy.

00:11:29.000 They were the wildest crowd I have ever performed in front of.

00:11:33.000 Like, consistently.

00:11:35.000 It was like doing comedy in another country.

00:11:39.000 It was doing comedy in a country that just had totally different rules.

00:11:43.000 Because everywhere else, man, people didn't talk while shows were going on. 0.97

00:11:46.000 That fucking Miami Improv, man, they would just talk while the entire show was going on. 0.98

00:11:52.000 You know, just have conversations with each other. 0.99

00:11:54.000 I remember there was...

00:11:55.000 I said something about Oscar De La Hoya. 1.00

00:11:57.000 And someone in the audience goes, Fuck you, man! 1.00

00:12:00.000 Fernando Vargas! 1.00

00:12:01.000 And the other guy goes, Man, fuck both of them, man! 1.00

00:12:04.000 Who's going to say so, Chavez? 1.00

00:12:05.000 And then they start arguing back and forth during the show about who is, like, the better boxer.

00:12:10.000 Who's like the best boxer ever. 1.00

00:12:13.000 I'm like, you fucking morons. 1.00

00:12:14.000 Like, what are you doing? 1.00

00:12:16.000 You have no control over yourselves?

00:12:17.000 You don't even think it for a second and the show is on.

00:12:20.000 It wasn't even on their mind, man.

00:12:22.000 There was like instant passion, toxoplasma infestation, running rampant through their brain.

00:12:28.000 They're jumping up and, you know, calling out Felix Trinidad.

00:12:33.000 You know? 0.99

00:12:34.000 That's fucking crazy. 0.99

00:12:36.000 I remember the one night we were together and the fight almost broke out with the chick and the husband. 1.00

00:12:40.000 The chick wanted to get spanked and the husband got mad. 1.00

00:12:43.000 Something to a crazy effect that was going to go on stage.

00:12:46.000 I don't remember.

00:12:47.000 Then I became friends with the husband and the husband bought us drinks and that was the end of the night.

00:12:51.000 There was so much craziness coming out of that place.

00:12:53.000 I was there the night the kid quit.

00:12:55.000 What's the kid from Boston?

00:12:56.000 Real nice sweet guy.

00:12:58.000 Comic.

00:12:58.000 He was in Big...

00:13:00.000 He used to close with We Are The World.

00:13:02.000 Oh, Kevin Meaney.

00:13:04.000 Kevin Meaney.

00:13:05.000 That was that night where he quit.

00:13:06.000 You know what happened to Kevin Meaney, right?

00:13:09.000 What?

00:13:09.000 Kevin Meaney came out of the car.

00:13:10.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:11.000 And Greg Fitzsimmons is like really good friends with him.

00:13:14.000 Good guy.

00:13:15.000 He says all of a sudden the guy's creative.

00:13:17.000 All of a sudden he's writing new material.

00:13:19.000 He lost a bunch of weight.

00:13:20.000 Feels great.

00:13:21.000 Wow, that's cool.

00:13:22.000 Isn't that amazing?

00:13:22.000 He was living with a burden, bro.

00:13:24.000 Yeah.

00:13:24.000 And you know what?

00:13:25.000 We all kind of fucking knew. 0.99

00:13:28.000 I didn't. 0.98

00:13:29.000 I really never had a conversation with the guy. 0.89

00:13:31.000 But I remember at one point in time, man, he was really fucking funny. 0.70

00:13:36.000 Yes, he was! 0.96

00:13:37.000 He fell off for a while, and I don't know why, but I guess that was it.

00:13:41.000 It was the burden of being in the closet, but...

00:13:44.000 I went to see him with a friend of mine when we were like maybe 19, 19 or 20 at the most.

00:13:53.000 I hadn't even done stand-up yet.

00:13:55.000 I hadn't started to do stand-up yet.

00:13:56.000 And it was a Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge. 0.99

00:13:59.000 And he fucking destroyed! 0.99

00:14:02.000 Destroyed. 1.00

00:14:02.000 We're big pants people! 1.00

00:14:04.000 He had this thing about big pants and about his family being big pants people. 1.00

00:14:09.000 It was fucking... 0.99

00:14:09.000 That was like the early 90s. 0.99

00:14:10.000 I didn't even know why you couldn't...

00:14:12.000 I couldn't write it down for you on paper why it was so funny.

00:14:15.000 Was it the early 90s?

00:14:16.000 Yes.

00:14:17.000 Yes.

00:14:17.000 He was very...

00:14:18.000 No, it was actually before that.

00:14:21.000 Wow.

00:14:21.000 Because I started stand-up in 88. So it was before I started stand-up.

00:14:25.000 So it was probably like 86. I seen him like at 90 and he was on fire in Denver.

00:14:29.000 Oh my god, I'm telling you man.

00:14:30.000 Fire!

00:14:31.000 Kevin Meaney at one point in time had a magic. 0.99

00:14:34.000 He was just one of those guys who could just go on stage and just start talking about shit and it was just funny. 0.99

00:14:39.000 It was just funny. 0.99

00:14:41.000 He just had...

00:14:41.000 There's a lot of dudes like...

00:14:43.000 You know how Brody Stevens got that thing where he hits that weird groove and he can just talk about anything and it doesn't make any sense.

00:14:50.000 Salt shaker! 0.90

00:14:52.000 To the left, sir!

00:14:53.000 He can say something like that.

00:14:54.000 He's just laughing, man.

00:14:56.000 He's going to be at Conan tomorrow, by the way.

00:14:57.000 Oh, powerful Brody Stevens.

00:14:59.000 Yeah.

00:15:00.000 That's awesome.

00:15:01.000 It's amazing what kind of burden that must be living with any secret like that.

00:15:05.000 I had a friend...

00:15:07.000 That I knew for years.

00:15:08.000 And he showed up with girls and he drank.

00:15:12.000 But then he drank and he just disappeared for three months.

00:15:15.000 Yeah.

00:15:15.000 And it was that thing.

00:15:17.000 He was gay. 0.91

00:15:19.000 Somebody told me.

00:15:20.000 I seen him up in a park with no shirt on with another guy. 0.99

00:15:22.000 And I was like, I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:15:24.000 In a park? 1.00

00:15:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:25.000 Like hiking, hiking.

00:15:26.000 You know, like Runyon Canyon.

00:15:27.000 You know, like one of those things.

00:15:29.000 And I was like, come on.

00:15:30.000 And I asked him, and he goes, yeah.

00:15:31.000 And he goes, that's what's killing me?

00:15:32.000 I don't know how to...

00:15:34.000 And what was crazy, I met him on a set of a man movie.

00:15:37.000 Really?

00:15:38.000 Yeah.

00:15:39.000 So, do you follow me? 1.00

00:15:41.000 I hear these guys going, fuck those gay cocksuckers and all this shit. 1.00

00:15:44.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:15:45.000 And he's in the middle of all this.

00:15:46.000 So I can imagine. 1.00

00:15:47.000 I never knew that he was gay until a year or two after we did the fucking movie. 1.00

00:15:53.000 You follow me? 1.00

00:15:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:54.000 So, I can just imagine how bad. 1.00

00:15:57.000 I'm sure I said some dumb shit. 0.99

00:15:58.000 I think we've all known a few guys that have struggled with that. 0.99

00:16:04.000 I don't want to say the guy's name, but there's that one guy who's... 0.82

00:16:08.000 Real good comic, but he drinks a lot because he's gay. 1.00

00:16:11.000 He's not out about it. 0.96

00:16:13.000 He drinks a lot because he's gay. 0.96

00:16:16.000 Every single comic I know. 0.96

00:16:18.000 No, he's like, yeah, I can't get into specifics.

00:16:23.000 I shouldn't even have brought it up.

00:16:24.000 But I've known guys personally and watched them struggle with that. 0.98

00:16:29.000 It sucks. 1.00

00:16:29.000 It's got to fucking suck, man. 1.00

00:16:31.000 And it's all just because of intolerance. 1.00

00:16:33.000 Who gives a fuck if someone's gay? 1.00

00:16:35.000 As long as I can trust you, do not fuck me when I'm drunk. 1.00

00:16:37.000 Okay? 1.00

00:16:38.000 I don't care. 0.94

00:16:39.000 You know, I don't care if someone's gay. 1.00

00:16:40.000 Remember Jeff, Jeff Richards from the comedy store? 0.92

00:16:43.000 The piano player.

00:16:43.000 Yeah, the piano player?

00:16:44.000 Dude.

00:16:45.000 That guy's great.

00:16:46.000 Jeff Richards.

00:16:46.000 I'm not Jeff Richards.

00:16:47.000 I call him Jeff Richards.

00:16:48.000 Jeff Richards.

00:16:49.000 No, no, Jeff Richards.

00:16:49.000 What are you talking about, Joe?

00:16:50.000 Jeff Richards is the comedian.

00:16:52.000 The comedian from Saturday Night Live.

00:16:53.000 The other guy is the piano player that he would do Pee Wee Herb and stuff like that.

00:16:56.000 Why can't I remember his last name?

00:16:57.000 Jeff Scott.

00:16:58.000 Jeff Scott. 1.00

00:16:58.000 Fucking great guy. 1.00

00:16:59.000 Jeff Scott. 0.99

00:16:59.000 My apologies, sir. 0.99

00:17:02.000 I hate that.

00:17:02.000 I have too many numbers.

00:17:03.000 It's called Dunbar's Syndrome or something like that. 1.00

00:17:06.000 You can only store like 150 fucking names and faces in your head. 1.00

00:17:11.000 Something along those lines. 0.99

00:17:13.000 But yeah, I mean that guy was like...

00:17:15.000 Openly gay and the coolest guy to hang out with.

00:17:18.000 Like one of us.

00:17:20.000 He was great.

00:17:22.000 Who would care that that's what he's into?

00:17:24.000 He would joke around about it.

00:17:25.000 It would be fun.

00:17:26.000 Who would care?

00:17:28.000 The only reason you would care is because you're trying to control something that's going on inside of you. 0.62

00:17:33.000 Or you've got some weird, ridiculous notions that are some religious notions about what another person should and shouldn't do. 0.99

00:17:43.000 Other than that, Why would you give a fuck? 0.99

00:17:45.000 What is that? 0.99

00:17:47.000 Why do people trip out about that?

00:17:50.000 Because they do, bro.

00:17:51.000 They just do.

00:17:52.000 You know, I grew up around them. 0.99

00:17:53.000 My mother had a bar, plus she was a half a fag hag. 1.00

00:17:57.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:17:58.000 A half a fag hag! 1.00

00:17:59.000 Yeah, my mother was half a fag hag because she had the bar, you know, and they were down there. 1.00

00:18:03.000 And I grew up with it, and there was one particular guy that died, and he used to always tease me when I was a kid. 0.99

00:18:07.000 I'm going to fucking tie you up. 0.97

00:18:09.000 And I would go, Mommy, and he would just tease me, you know. 0.99

00:18:11.000 But I never really...

00:18:13.000 I'll tell you where I really learned a lot about...

00:18:16.000 The whole gay society was when I got locked up because they had an AIDS unit.

00:18:20.000 And this prison.

00:18:21.000 That's when AIDS started to get big and they didn't know how to handle them.

00:18:24.000 And what year was this?

00:18:25.000 This is 87. I was very fortunate.

00:18:27.000 And here they had these barracks that you lived in, but the AIDS unit, you could eat off the fucking floor. 1.00

00:18:32.000 And they had a big TV and they had refrigerators. 1.00

00:18:36.000 So people were like, we don't talk to those motherfuckers. 1.00

00:18:38.000 But there was a couple guys that said, dog, they go down there and play cards, they cook, go down there. 0.99

00:18:42.000 So I'd start going down there and I ran my action out of there most of the time, like my gambling, because I had a TV, a big colored TV. And I got to talk to them and ask them how they got the age.

00:18:51.000 You know, some people are like, I don't know how I got it!

00:18:54.000 You know, stop it. 1.00

00:18:55.000 You know exactly how the fuck you got it. 0.99

00:18:56.000 You even narrow it down to the night. 0.99

00:18:58.000 Because once they read you that riot act, you know exactly what night you got it.

00:19:02.000 And half of these guys were junkers.

00:19:03.000 There was only five or six in the unit. 0.99

00:19:05.000 There was two guys that got it from sex, and the other five got it from junking. 0.69

00:19:10.000 You know, those syringes. 1.00

00:19:11.000 That blood shit is horrible in the 70s. 1.00

00:19:14.000 Horrible! 1.00

00:19:15.000 And you know, you talk about...

00:19:16.000 It's like us right now.

00:19:18.000 We're like, yeah, we go out and we meet a girl.

00:19:19.000 We tell them to put on a... 1.00

00:19:21.000 We put a condom on and shit. 1.00

00:19:23.000 That's just like fucking without a condom. 1.00

00:19:25.000 Fucking 20 chicks a night without a condom. 1.00

00:19:27.000 Sharing your one needle with somebody on the street corner. 1.00

00:19:30.000 They're coming up to you going, you got $3.

00:19:32.000 Yeah, I got $2. 0.99

00:19:32.000 too let's buy a bag and share the fucking rig share the fucking rig and they wash it out with beer you know i'm saying like they put beer in it and squirt it out or whatever i'm really i don't I don't know. 0.99

00:19:45.000 I mean, I don't think, if you're buying heroin on the street with a syringe, I don't think you're going to ride it to buy fucking pharmacy to buy alcohol. 0.99

00:19:54.000 Yeah, you know. 0.84

00:19:55.000 So all those people in the 70s didn't really know.

00:19:57.000 I mean, if they do a real statistic count, how many people just got buried thinking they had the pneumonia that had HIV? 0.98

00:20:04.000 You know, it's like they found out years later that, what's that shit when you get abscesses in your mouth? 0.99

00:20:08.000 That they kill you. 0.99

00:20:10.000 And they went back in time, whatever, and they had skulls, and you could see the abscesses had grown.

00:20:14.000 And they realize now, with today's medicine, they would have saved these people.

00:20:18.000 Right. 1.00

00:20:18.000 You know, you don't know that shit. 1.00

00:20:19.000 We don't fucking know. 1.00

00:20:20.000 But just the burden of living with something like the burden I had. 0.97

00:20:26.000 even with just somebody trying to hide an addiction.

00:20:30.000 That's the same burden as me being gay or not wanting somebody to know or me being a thief at night or me being the ice man and killing people and coming home to my family in the daytime.

00:20:40.000 Those burdens have to weigh dramatically on you.

00:20:43.000 They worry your mind because they go deep into your psyche.

00:20:46.000 It's a secret.

00:20:47.000 So somewhere along the line, if it affects you there, it has to affect the other parts of your life. 0.98

00:20:53.000 And eventually you're going to blow because you're borrowing from Peter to pay Paul emotionally, which is the fucking worst when you're playing with your emotions. 0.98

00:21:01.000 Right. 0.99

00:21:02.000 Yeah, and when you're constantly spending energy trying to trick yourself from thinking that everything is alright, that's like, you don't even have half your brain.

00:21:11.000 Because it's like, your whole brain is in conflict.

00:21:14.000 Like, you have the rest of the thinking and planning and looking objectively at your future, that doesn't even take place. 0.94

00:21:21.000 Because all you're doing is dealing with whatever's fucking with you, whatever weird issue it is. 0.98

00:21:28.000 Humans are so strange, man. 0.99

00:21:30.000 It's so strange how we lock on to behavior patterns like that.

00:21:34.000 Like, you'll see people that get addicted to gambling.

00:21:37.000 I mean, that's a simple behavior pattern.

00:21:39.000 Something happened along the line, and their mind, their reward system got...

00:21:45.000 Completely addicted to these giant jolts that they get from risking money.

00:21:49.000 And when they don't have that, they don't feel alive. 0.95

00:21:52.000 When they do a regular job and sit there with what they would call squares and just sit around all day with a bunch of fucking people that just don't want to take any chances and put 15% on every tip. 0.99

00:22:03.000 They want to fucking roll dice. 0.99

00:22:05.000 They want to see what happens. 0.99

00:22:06.000 They want to give it a chance.

00:22:07.000 And they get suckered in.

00:22:08.000 And then it consumes them.

00:22:10.000 I've seen guys become homeless gambling junkies.

00:22:14.000 I've seen it.

00:22:15.000 I've actually seen them.

00:22:16.000 They used to have an apartment.

00:22:18.000 Yeah, that guy.

00:22:19.000 Yeah, but guys from the pool hall from back in White Plains, I saw a couple guys go homeless. 0.99

00:22:24.000 There was a lot of older dudes, especially, that would, like, in their 60s and 70s, come in yelling about a fucking horse. 0.99

00:22:31.000 This motherfucker come in five, you know, yelling the numbers out for the lottery. 1.00

00:22:36.000 I got 5627. The motherfucking 5626. And all the things I've read and all the shows I've seen about gambling, because it's always fucked with me because my mother was hooked. 1.00

00:22:47.000 So I was successful. 0.94

00:22:49.000 I was successful to that.

00:22:51.000 Successful.

00:22:51.000 To that disease.

00:22:53.000 I didn't say it right.

00:22:53.000 When I was 18, you know.

00:22:55.000 Successful.

00:22:56.000 And all the things they do is, deep down inside, these people want to lose.

00:22:59.000 These people want to lose.

00:23:01.000 Yes.

00:23:01.000 That's why they...

00:23:02.000 I mean, nobody ever says to you, I just got a ticket. 1.00

00:23:04.000 I just got fucking pulled over and fucked in the ass. 1.00

00:23:06.000 These people come in and sit there drinking and going, what's up, dog? 1.00

00:23:09.000 Those fucking Boston Celtic motherfuckers. 1.00

00:23:12.000 They didn't cover the spread. 1.00

00:23:13.000 And they'll tell you their whole night and how they're down 1,200.

00:23:16.000 Yeah.

00:23:16.000 And how tomorrow, you're looking at them like, oh my God.

00:23:19.000 And I almost got hooked on gambling, Joe.

00:23:21.000 When I was 18, I was close.

00:23:23.000 Yeah.

00:23:23.000 And I figured out that this is the cocaine logic.

00:23:26.000 I figured out that I had two vices.

00:23:28.000 I like to gamble, and I like to snort.

00:23:31.000 I got to pick one or pick the other.

00:23:34.000 There's nothing...

00:23:34.000 The Coke pushed the gambling out of your life.

00:23:36.000 Coke was like, this could really get in the way.

00:23:37.000 Yeah, this is getting in the way.

00:23:39.000 Because one thing, I was, you know, when you're addicted, you're weak and you're vulnerable to money and the quick score.

00:23:45.000 But I also knew there was another side to that coin.

00:23:47.000 And the coin was, you have to pay somebody if you lose.

00:23:50.000 And 85% of the time...

00:23:52.000 You lose.

00:23:53.000 And let me tell you something.

00:23:54.000 If I'm going to give somebody $600, listen, if I'm selling blow and I'm mugging people and I'm making four or five grand a week, I don't mind giving you a grand.

00:24:01.000 That's the cost of doing business.

00:24:03.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:24:03.000 You're out there.

00:24:04.000 You're talking shit. 1.00

00:24:05.000 I got the dicks, those cocksuckers. 1.00

00:24:07.000 Something. 0.99

00:24:08.000 Conversation. 1.00

00:24:08.000 But if I'm earning a living, like I gotta get up and go to work, God forbid I gotta give my money to some idiot because I bet the fucking Knicks and they wanna play fucking jungle handball and I'm not gonna cover this fucking spread here. 1.00

00:24:19.000 Forget it. 0.99

00:24:19.000 So I said, if I'm gonna waste $200 on gambling, I might as well spend $200 on snorting and look out a window and get something out of it. 0.99

00:24:27.000 At least I'm paranoid.

00:24:28.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:24:29.000 I get something out of it.

00:24:30.000 You know, insurance is like gambling.

00:24:32.000 When you buy insurance, they don't give you nothing.

00:24:35.000 You sign a paper. 0.99

00:24:36.000 That's why insurance is the hardest sale in the fucking world. 1.00

00:24:38.000 You get a handshake. 1.00

00:24:39.000 It's like gambling. 1.00

00:24:40.000 When you lose, it's the same fucking logic. 0.99

00:24:44.000 It's nothing. 1.00

00:24:45.000 There's nothing.

00:24:46.000 It's just a transfer of paper.

00:24:47.000 What is gambling at the end?

00:24:49.000 When you gamble on something, it's not like you could gamble on yourself.

00:24:52.000 I could go fight Jon Jones. 0.99

00:24:53.000 I could get on the fucking horse myself. 1.00

00:24:56.000 It's the same kind of logic, Joe Rogan. 1.00

00:24:58.000 We get nothing for it. 1.00

00:24:59.000 Just a transfer of fucking money. 1.00

00:25:01.000 And it always ends up you giving up that fucking cash. 1.00

00:25:04.000 It never comes the other way every once in a great while. 0.99

00:25:07.000 Is there anybody that's like a really good gambler that's out there making a living gambling on sports?

00:25:12.000 Yes, yes. 0.98

00:25:12.000 But their IQs have to be fucking phenomenal and they control. 0.98

00:25:16.000 And they have to have the control of an older gentleman. 0.99

00:25:20.000 You have to know. 1.00

00:25:21.000 This is a scene of the goddamn movie. 1.00

00:25:23.000 No! 1.00

00:25:23.000 If you're fucking 21 and I give you 80 grand on a Friday night, you're going to Vegas and you're going to fuck Kim Kardashian in the ass. 1.00

00:25:29.000 You're going to spend every fucking dime of it. 1.00

00:25:31.000 But a controlled gambler is somebody who says, you know what? 0.99

00:25:34.000 Just because there's a game on Tuesday don't mean I got to gamble.

00:25:36.000 I'm saving my money for Thursday.

00:25:38.000 In fact, I'm going to call.

00:25:39.000 They outwit the book. 1.00

00:25:41.000 They call the book and fuck with the book. 0.99

00:25:43.000 Hey, it's Tuesday, but what's the line on Thursday? 0.99

00:25:45.000 And they start fucking with the books and start calling. 0.97

00:25:47.000 It's a system, Joe. 0.98

00:25:49.000 And the people who make money, it's like anything else, Joe Rogan.

00:25:52.000 There's comics like, man, don't have millions, you know what I'm saying?

00:25:55.000 Right.

00:25:55.000 And then there's comics that figured out how to become a label and a business.

00:25:59.000 And the same thing happens with gambling.

00:26:01.000 There's people who just come and go through gambling and when they go, they lose a house.

00:26:05.000 Right.

00:26:06.000 You know, they lose a house, a wife, 10 cars, a job because it affects everything.

00:26:10.000 Right. 1.00

00:26:10.000 But with fucking... 1.00

00:26:11.000 We had my friend Jimmy Burke on, and that was his story of his childhood. 1.00

00:26:16.000 His dad would just go off.

00:26:17.000 Go off.

00:26:18.000 Just go off and owe money and lose the house, and that would be it. 0.61

00:26:21.000 You know who the biggest gambling loser was of our time?

00:26:24.000 Who?

00:26:25.000 John Gotti.

00:26:26.000 A million a month cash.

00:26:27.000 What?

00:26:28.000 $250,000 a weekend. 1.00

00:26:30.000 He was making $12 million a fucking year. 1.00

00:26:33.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:26:34.000 He won once in a while.

00:26:35.000 The feds got documents they were thinking of putting a thing out. 0.97

00:26:38.000 The biggest loser ever sports-wise. 0.97

00:26:41.000 Degenerate. 0.99

00:26:43.000 Degenerate. 1.00

00:26:44.000 That's why you gotta look at a guy like that and go, that motherfucker dressed in $2,000 suits when he was just walking the streets. 1.00

00:26:50.000 How much was he really stealing? 1.00

00:26:52.000 He was stealing because he was a degenerate He's a gambler from the fucking cards to fucking dice to fucking sports to everything. 1.00

00:27:02.000 And he would lie. 1.00

00:27:04.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:27:05.000 Like he'd lie about his losses.

00:27:06.000 He'd go to them and go, I need $300,000 to put money on the street.

00:27:10.000 No, he was losing.

00:27:11.000 But on the other hand, the guy was loyal because he paid his debts. 1.00

00:27:17.000 A lot of people like that will just say, suck my dick. 1.00

00:27:19.000 What are you going to do? 1.00

00:27:19.000 It's John Gotti. 1.00

00:27:21.000 He paid his debts. 1.00

00:27:22.000 He paid every fucking debt. 0.99

00:27:24.000 Nobody ever said the guy didn't pay his debts. 1.00

00:27:25.000 He paid his debts. 1.00

00:27:26.000 But he was a disgusting gambler. 0.99

00:27:29.000 He was a weird mob boss. 1.00

00:27:31.000 He was a killer. 0.98

00:27:32.000 Because, like, all of a sudden, like, he was a star. 0.97

00:27:34.000 It was really strange.

00:27:35.000 He was, like, the first one that seemed to, like, relish the role.

00:27:38.000 You know, remember when they couldn't catch him with anything and they'd call him the Teflon Don and he thought that he'd had that big bald dude that was a mafia-style lawyer?

00:27:46.000 Remember?

00:27:47.000 Remember?

00:27:47.000 What was that guy's name?

00:27:48.000 Cutler.

00:27:49.000 Yes.

00:27:49.000 Bruce Cutler.

00:27:50.000 Yes. 0.92

00:27:50.000 And he was his lawyer, and he was like the celebrity lawyer for John Gotti, and the way he always defended him was like, whoa, this guy's got this super intelligent bulldog legal guy on his side, and he's just going to fucking do battle with the system. 0.92

00:28:06.000 Meanwhile, everybody knows he's the head of organized crime, and they're trying to figure out how to pin it on him.

00:28:11.000 It was the weirdest thing, watching it all play out in the news.

00:28:15.000 It's like, how is this guy just running around?

00:28:17.000 You know he's the organized crime guy, and they're just trying to figure out how to bust him?

00:28:22.000 It's real strange.

00:28:23.000 It's like watching Law& Order play out like that.

00:28:27.000 Where they're convinced the guy is guilty, but they can't get a conviction.

00:28:33.000 For a long time, they couldn't get a conviction on him, right?

00:28:36.000 That was his nickname.

00:28:38.000 The beauty of it is, in May, we're going to New York.

00:28:41.000 I don't know if Brian's going to know who's going.

00:28:43.000 Sold out already.

00:28:44.000 And one of the nights when we get there, we're going to go to Spark Steakhouse and park outside.

00:28:49.000 Is that the place where... 0.97

00:28:50.000 And you're just going to park outside, and I want you to just sit, close your eyes, and think about the balls it takes to shoot somebody at 5.30 on Christmas week at that place. 0.99

00:29:04.000 Just the balls. 0.99

00:29:05.000 Because once he did that, who's going to argue with you? 1.00

00:29:08.000 He didn't shoot him in the head.

00:29:10.000 He didn't poison him.

00:29:11.000 He got five guys.

00:29:12.000 He talked.

00:29:13.000 Talked five guys. 1.00

00:29:14.000 So he went and talked Brody, Ari, Duncan into going around the car and shooting this motherfucker when he comes out. 1.00

00:29:20.000 And they got away with it in broad daylight. 1.00

00:29:22.000 All of them shot him at once?

00:29:24.000 All of them. 1.00

00:29:25.000 Five fucking guns coming at you. 1.00

00:29:26.000 Papa. 1.00

00:29:27.000 And Gravano and whatever were in a car. 0.92

00:29:31.000 And he talked five guys to shoot.

00:29:33.000 They called themselves the fist. 0.56

00:29:34.000 The five hands. 1.00

00:29:36.000 And they just went out there and shot this motherfucker at 530 at night, December the 15th or something. 1.00

00:29:42.000 When you sit there and you feel what it takes to get that, that's when you'll go, I get it. 0.99

00:29:48.000 I get what this guy did.

00:29:50.000 He did, you know, he, he, uh...

00:29:53.000 He did something that's amazing.

00:29:56.000 Shooting somebody at the House of Blues at 8 o'clock at night during a premiere.

00:30:01.000 This guy did something that was just ballsy.

00:30:04.000 There was no argument after that.

00:30:06.000 He just took over.

00:30:07.000 So what was it?

00:30:08.000 That everybody thought he was just so crazy after that?

00:30:11.000 That's it! 0.99

00:30:12.000 They were going to kill him because he was selling heroin. 1.00

00:30:14.000 He said, either I'm going or you're going, bitch. 1.00

00:30:17.000 And he talked to everybody, and he goes, here's the deal. 1.00

00:30:20.000 I'll cut yous in. 0.95

00:30:20.000 We'll all become millionaires. 0.95

00:30:22.000 But this motherfucker's got to go. 1.00

00:30:24.000 And they sat down, and they set up a fake meeting to meet everybody there. 1.00

00:30:28.000 And these motherfuckers got out of the car, and five guys got out dressed as Russians with the hats, with the jackets like they were donating, and started unloading on these guys. 0.99

00:30:38.000 Look at the pictures. 1.00

00:30:39.000 Look at the pictures.

00:30:40.000 The guy's on the street with a towel on him with blood coming out.

00:30:43.000 But the thing that happened with Gotti is what Alex Jones talks about.

00:30:48.000 They went after Gotti. 0.99

00:30:50.000 The first time Gotti fucked him up, spit in their face. 1.00

00:30:53.000 Gotti, well listen, when you beat the government, you take your money, you take your pieces and you go home. 1.00

00:30:58.000 The government ain't going to stand there.

00:31:00.000 The government is a business.

00:31:01.000 The government puts a million dollars a year into following Joe Rogan.

00:31:05.000 Eventually, we're going to collect on that investment.

00:31:06.000 And we're going to do whatever it takes to collect on that investment, my friend.

00:31:11.000 That's it.

00:31:12.000 Plain and simple.

00:31:13.000 When the government wants you, they're coming to get you.

00:31:16.000 And that's one situation where he beat him.

00:31:17.000 He beat him with jewelry tamping.

00:31:20.000 They went back at him.

00:31:21.000 He beat him again with something. 0.97

00:31:23.000 Then they put wires everywhere, which the wires were fucking illegal. 0.95

00:31:27.000 They put them everywhere. 0.92

00:31:28.000 But the guy talked.

00:31:29.000 They're not illegal anymore.

00:31:31.000 No, but the guy heard himself talking. 1.00

00:31:34.000 I mean, the guy was a moron, let's face it. 1.00

00:31:36.000 He heard himself. 1.00

00:31:37.000 He was crazy. 0.99

00:31:38.000 He was just such a buck-wild guy to be in control of an organized crime or a big thing like the mob. 0.99

00:31:46.000 People bringing you money.

00:31:47.000 Yeah.

00:31:48.000 Can you imagine, Brian, people just come on Thursdays and bring you $80,000.

00:31:53.000 Tripoli brings you 100 grand.

00:31:54.000 I bring you 40. This is it.

00:31:57.000 This is what you do.

00:31:57.000 Can you imagine if all wires were illegal?

00:31:59.000 Like all wires.

00:32:01.000 All wires?

00:32:02.000 Like wires everywhere.

00:32:03.000 Like you weren't allowed to have wires.

00:32:06.000 What? 1.00

00:32:08.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:32:09.000 And it's very sad. 1.00

00:32:10.000 What the government doesn't know is that, all right, call Gravano whatever the fuck you want. 1.00

00:32:15.000 I mean, you know, I just read something the other day about this motherfucker. 1.00

00:32:18.000 They're going to reconvict him because in 19... 1.00

00:32:21.000 He's still alive? 1.00

00:32:22.000 He's still alive, but he's all fucked up. 0.99

00:32:23.000 Where is he? 1.00

00:32:24.000 In 1980, he's in Colorado in Tomahawk, under the fucking prison. 1.00

00:32:27.000 And he's all fucked up from the steroids. 0.99

00:32:29.000 His hair fell out. 0.99

00:32:31.000 His teeth are falling out.

00:32:32.000 He's got some central nervous disease like Mitzi Shaw. 1.00

00:32:35.000 He shakes and shit. 1.00

00:32:35.000 God bless him. 1.00

00:32:37.000 But...

00:32:40.000 God bless him.

00:32:41.000 When the government took him and talked him into pretty much ratting on this guy, they just realized all his sins that he never copped to.

00:32:49.000 Now he's getting convicted because now they're throwing everything at him.

00:32:52.000 In 83, he was going around buying lottery tickets.

00:32:55.000 So if you knew in the neighborhood, if you hit the lottery for $800,000, it was $8 million, come to Gravano, he'll buy the ticket because then he had a legal way of getting income. 0.98

00:33:03.000 You know how many fucking tickets he bought that year? 1.00

00:33:06.000 You know how many tickets that idiot bought that year? 1.00

00:33:09.000 $800, a million cash he bought off the people. 1.00

00:33:11.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:33:12.000 Just so he would have annuities. 0.99

00:33:15.000 So it just made it look like he was just winning the lottery left and right?

00:33:19.000 Everybody in his house won the lottery one year.

00:33:21.000 The daughter, the daughter.

00:33:25.000 You know that Whitey Bulger did that too.

00:33:28.000 Whitey Bulger won the lottery twice. 0.99

00:33:32.000 It's like the balls of these cocksuckers. 1.00

00:33:35.000 It never ends! 0.99

00:33:35.000 But here's the weird thing. 0.99

00:33:37.000 I've told you this before.

00:33:39.000 At the end, after they had Gravano in, they were making loan shark collections. 0.99

00:33:44.000 He was still calling the people going, I don't give a fuck if I'm in prison. 0.98

00:33:47.000 You're going to have two feds going by and picking up the money for you. 0.99

00:33:50.000 Incredible.

00:33:50.000 That's documented to people.

00:33:52.000 The feds went and collected his money.

00:33:54.000 That's how much they wanted Gotti.

00:33:56.000 That they just cut a deal with the devil. 1.00

00:33:57.000 They just cut a deal with the devil just to go after fucking this degenerate fucking dude. 1.00

00:34:01.000 And Gravano was like easily just as bad. 1.00

00:34:04.000 Right?

00:34:05.000 I mean, the stuff that he had done, just as bad, right?

00:34:07.000 He murdered a bunch of people, right?

00:34:09.000 Yeah, but he wasn't like a straight up guy. 1.00

00:34:12.000 He was like a fucking con guy. 0.99

00:34:14.000 But he got out. 1.00

00:34:16.000 He got out.

00:34:16.000 For why?

00:34:17.000 Yeah.

00:34:17.000 That's what people don't understand.

00:34:19.000 Like, the government let a known killer out.

00:34:21.000 He talked him out of it.

00:34:23.000 He was a tremendous negotiator.

00:34:27.000 He got to keep his 20 million.

00:34:29.000 He got five years.

00:34:32.000 And that was it.

00:34:32.000 He got to keep his 20 million from illegal activities.

00:34:35.000 And then what happened?

00:34:36.000 He was selling ecstasy or something?

00:34:38.000 Ecstasy in Arizona.

00:34:39.000 In Arizona.

00:34:39.000 That's when we met the daughter at the improv.

00:34:41.000 The daughter came to the show that time.

00:34:44.000 The one that's on Mobwise now, the chubby one.

00:34:46.000 Came to one of our shows in Tempe one time with your buddy, the ex-fighter, the bodybuilder guy.

00:34:52.000 He had a bunch of broads with him. 0.99

00:34:53.000 And I was making fun of him.

00:34:54.000 I said something about the town at Sammy the Bull.

00:34:57.000 And afterward, he goes, I got his daughter here.

00:34:59.000 Be careful what you say.

00:35:00.000 Whoa.

00:35:00.000 That was his daughter that was there with us, that one.

00:35:02.000 This is 98, 99. I can barely remember, but I'm kind of remembering it now.

00:35:07.000 Yeah, that was a long time ago.

00:35:08.000 A lot of freaks, dog.

00:35:10.000 Well, Arizona is a strange place.

00:35:12.000 Very strange.

00:35:13.000 Brian pointed out to me once, we were in Scottsdale, and we were hanging out, having a good old time, and Brian goes, everyone's on coke.

00:35:20.000 Everybody.

00:35:21.000 And he goes, you look around, he clued me in on the mannerisms, and he goes, go walk up to them, they'll be having a conversation where they'll be really fucking sincere, but they'll be talking about what's better, coke or pepsi.

00:35:35.000 Right when I say that, we looked over and everybody at the same time was wiping their nose and going like this.

00:35:41.000 It was just weird.

00:35:42.000 It was like a movie.

00:35:43.000 If it was in a movie, it would be too over the top.

00:35:47.000 You'd be like, no, there's not that many people on coke at the club.

00:35:50.000 But this place was, it was redonkulous.

00:35:53.000 I don't know if it's still like that.

00:35:54.000 You know, cultures, the coke comes and goes.

00:35:58.000 People are always going to want coke.

00:35:59.000 But the coke cultures, like, kind of die off a little bit. 1.00

00:36:02.000 There's a lot of people who try to get their act together. 0.98

00:36:04.000 You know, there's a lot of people who don't like the way that that wrecks their fucking body, and they're trying to get out of it. 0.98

00:36:09.000 I really, really... 0.99

00:36:10.000 Did you put white powder on your nose or something?

00:36:12.000 I really, really, really would like to know the amount of coke that comes into just our country every year. 0.99

00:36:21.000 Just to figure it the fuck out. 0.90

00:36:23.000 What do you think? 0.94

00:36:23.000 I gotta be, it's gotta be in the metric tons. 0.94

00:36:26.000 Where do you think it's coming in?

00:36:27.000 How do you think it's getting there?

00:36:28.000 Mexico.

00:36:29.000 But what, like, who's bringing it in?

00:36:31.000 Is it like big overseas companies?

00:36:33.000 The Colombians cut their hands. 0.99

00:36:34.000 The Colombians grow it now and they say, look, we got too much money.

00:36:38.000 Really?

00:36:39.000 We've been doing this for 80 years. 1.00

00:36:40.000 We're sick of this shit. 1.00

00:36:41.000 Cotton and governments and helicopters. 1.00

00:36:43.000 Do this.

00:36:44.000 Come down, buy a package, take it.

00:36:48.000 So it's just like an awesome neighborhood where you can buy coke. 0.99

00:36:50.000 In the old days, see the Colombians in the old days, a guy named Carlos Lader went to the Medellin cartel and said, you motherfuckers don't know nothing about transporting. 0.99

00:36:58.000 You guys are missing the boat here. 0.99

00:36:59.000 You guys are just selling it. 1.00

00:37:01.000 Fuck that shit. 1.00

00:37:02.000 We're going to sell it, transport it, take it to the United States, cut it, sell it again, and we're going to take all that profit A to Z. We're just not going to make our money in ABC. We're going to go A to Z right to the fucking streets. 1.00

00:37:12.000 We're going to put our people in there. 1.00

00:37:14.000 This guy was a college-educated fucking coke dealer, and he went and he put that island, Barbados, whatever, the one below. 0.99

00:37:21.000 That's supposed to be Carlos laid there. 0.99

00:37:23.000 He's the one that the Medellin cartel gave him up when Bush wanted something.

00:37:27.000 I gotta get something, guys.

00:37:28.000 You guys are down there making millions.

00:37:30.000 We got Noriega. 0.78

00:37:31.000 You know, because they went down and just told Noriega, it's over.

00:37:34.000 Give us the keys to your bank book.

00:37:35.000 Give us your bank book.

00:37:36.000 Give us the name of the dealer, because we're in on that 10%.

00:37:38.000 And we're taking everything.

00:37:41.000 You know what you're getting?

00:37:42.000 What's behind door number A. $20,000, a plane ticket, and a yo-yo.

00:37:47.000 We always throw in a yo-yo.

00:37:49.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:37:50.000 Louis Noriega was a known drug trafficker, right?

00:37:54.000 That was the deal.

00:37:54.000 He was running Panama, right?

00:37:56.000 What's the real deal?

00:37:57.000 Here's the deal with the Colombians. 1.00

00:37:58.000 The Colombians have a saying.

00:38:00.000 What's the saying, Brian?

00:38:01.000 Blobo or ploppa? 0.98

00:38:03.000 That's not what I was thinking.

00:38:04.000 That means either you're taking a bullet or you're taking cash.

00:38:08.000 I know you're Catholic and you're Christian and your wife goes to church every Sunday, but it's either Pluto or Plata. 0.99

00:38:15.000 So whether you're corrupt or not, you either take the money or we're going to put a bullet in your head and we're going to replace it with somebody who will take the money. 0.99

00:38:21.000 I was thinking, put some oil on that blood. 1.00

00:38:23.000 And that's what it did to Noriega.

00:38:24.000 Noriega was funneling hundreds of millions of pounds of coke through his island. 0.99

00:38:28.000 And let's pretend he's getting a penny a fucking ounce. 0.98

00:38:31.000 It is kind of an amazing gangster move, though. 0.99

00:38:34.000 You gotta admit. 1.00

00:38:34.000 Bush is a bad motherfucker! 1.00

00:38:36.000 All of them. 1.00

00:38:36.000 I mean, if you just look at human civilization, if you looked at it as a numbers game and saw the incredible scores that the United States has pulled off... 1.00

00:38:47.000 You know, putting Saddam Hussein into power, arming him, pictures of them shaking his head, you know, years later, storming a city, shooting missiles in, hanging him on a stairwell. 0.79

00:38:58.000 It's hilarious. 1.00

00:39:00.000 Just before they're going to go on 60 Minutes, those motherfuckers disappear. 1.00

00:39:03.000 It's amazing. 1.00

00:39:03.000 It's all a simulation. 1.00

00:39:03.000 It's beautiful. 1.00

00:39:04.000 I think it's amazing.

00:39:05.000 I mean, look, it's terrible, and it's horrible, and it's awful, and it's disgusting that that's how humanity works.

00:39:12.000 But if you just look at it from a sheer mathematics standpoint, like, wow.

00:39:16.000 It's ones and zeros, Joe. 0.98

00:39:18.000 Staggering achievement this one fucked up country has had all over the world. 1.00

00:39:23.000 That shit you posted the other day, dude, it was tripping me out. 1.00

00:39:26.000 Which one? 1.00

00:39:27.000 The ones and zeros. 0.99

00:39:28.000 Everything's a code and they're finding fucking codes inside the... 0.99

00:39:31.000 That is a really bizarre... 0.99

00:39:33.000 I have to go over that a bunch of times because...

00:39:36.000 There's a lot of gobbity gook. 1.00

00:39:38.000 I don't understand.

00:39:39.000 I don't...

00:39:39.000 It was a Neil Tyson DeGrasse.

00:39:43.000 Is that how you say it?

00:39:43.000 Yeah.

00:39:44.000 And it was another professor.

00:39:47.000 I don't remember the other professor's name.

00:39:49.000 I should look that up because it was really fascinating.

00:39:52.000 But what I don't understand, what they're pretty much, they're finding code, like computer code in things.

00:39:59.000 Now, that's the problem I had trying to figure out, like, what were the things that they're finding the code in.

00:40:05.000 But what they were kind of getting at, that for some reason, that they're finding that life seems to be a computer code.

00:40:12.000 And that we might all be a simulation of ourselves, assimilating ourselves in, like, a computer right now.

00:40:20.000 Yeah, this is, by the way, this is like really fairly recent too, this whole thing. 0.96

00:40:26.000 You could pull it up and this guy can say it and we can sort of like figure out what the fuck he means.

00:40:32.000 Just on YouTube, strange computer code discovered concealed in super string. 0.53

00:40:39.000 Code discovered concealed in super string equations. 0.57

00:40:47.000 What the fuck's a super string? 0.82

00:40:48.000 Yeah, see, let's let him talk and then try to ape our way through the most rudimentary of explanations. 0.99

00:40:58.000 Yeah, that gentleman with the glasses.

00:41:00.000 Have you ever seen Butthole Code before?

00:41:05.000 The opening, it was weird.

00:41:07.000 Yeah.

00:41:08.000 It's saying, what if it really existed?

00:41:10.000 Meet Professor James Gates, Jr., theoretical physicist and John S. Toll, professor of physics at the University of Maryland.

00:41:17.000 This is all, like, on the screen with graphics.

00:41:21.000 While working on superstring theory, Professor Gates discovered something very interesting hidden within the equations.

00:41:26.000 See for yourself.

00:41:29.000 One of the viewers is responsible for its own conclusions.

00:41:32.000 My channel is not responsible for any potential mental instability, this main scene.

00:41:35.000 Are they trolling, son?

00:41:37.000 Viewer discretion is advised.

00:41:39.000 Are they trolling?

00:41:39.000 Here we go.

00:41:40.000 Well, partly it's taken to these very strange images that are behind your head right now.

00:41:45.000 These are pictures of equations.

00:41:48.000 I've been, for the last 15 years, trying to answer the kinds of questions that my colleagues have been raising.

00:41:54.000 And what I've come to understand is that there are these incredible pictures That contain all the information of a set of equations that are related to string theory.

00:42:02.000 And it's even more bizarre than that because when you then try to understand these pictures, you find out that buried in them are computer codes just like the type that you find in a browser when you go surf the web.

00:42:15.000 You're saying your attempt to understand the fundamental operations of nature leads you to a set of equations that are indistinguishable from the equations that drive search engines and browsers on our computers.

00:42:29.000 Yeah, that is correct.

00:42:31.000 Wait, wait.

00:42:33.000 I have to just be silent.

00:42:34.000 See, that's where the gobbledygook.

00:42:36.000 Yeah, let me try it again.

00:42:37.000 So you're saying as you dig deeper, you find computer code Rich in the fabric of the cosmos.

00:42:49.000 Into the equations that we want to use to describe the cosmos, yes.

00:42:54.000 Computer code.

00:42:55.000 Computer code, strings of bits of ones and zeros.

00:42:58.000 It's not just sort of resembles computer code, you're saying it is computer code.

00:43:03.000 It's not even just is computer code, it's a special kind of computer code That was invented by a scientist named Claude Shannon in the 1940s.

00:43:12.000 That's what we find very, very deeply inside the equations that occur in string theory and, in general, in systems that we say are supersymmetric.

00:43:21.000 Some of those codes are showing on the screen behind you right now.

00:43:25.000 They don't look like codes, but these pictures, which we call adinkras, are graphical representations of sets of equations that are based on codes that, in the description, Of our universe.

00:43:39.000 That is a supersymmetrical universe which we're going to test in the LHC. If you believe that description, I can show you the presence of these codes.

00:43:47.000 That's my statement.

00:43:48.000 Do you have any predictions in your ideas or any ways to test any of your ideas any more than, say, the guy over on the screen?

00:43:56.000 The work that I'm doing is in fact so theoretical that we don't understand yet whether it is even possible to complete the program.

00:44:04.000 We have found these strange graphs.

00:44:06.000 We know that they are equivalent to equations.

00:44:09.000 And we have found in these equations computer codes.

00:44:12.000 And so that's where we are right now.

00:44:15.000 So I cannot give you a prediction.

00:44:16.000 This work is less than two years old. 0.98

00:44:18.000 Jesus Christ, I don't understand a fucking word of what I'm saying. 0.98

00:44:21.000 That was like... 0.99

00:44:22.000 I do and I don't, folks, if you're at home screaming, listening to this.

00:44:25.000 Well, what he's trying to say, quite simply, is that the computer that they're using to decipher everything...

00:44:34.000 The math that they're using to explain has code in it, but that's like...

00:44:41.000 That makes no sense.

00:44:42.000 It's very difficult to wrap your head around.

00:44:44.000 What I understand was that he was saying that the computer...

00:44:48.000 That they're using to represent all this stuff.

00:44:52.000 They're finding a code in it when they're trying to represent it with a computer, right?

00:44:58.000 I don't know what that means.

00:44:59.000 I heard the equations that they're using to explain the string theory or something like that.

00:45:04.000 In those equations, they're finding computer code.

00:45:08.000 What's an equation? 0.98

00:45:09.000 Is an equation already fucking math? 0.97

00:45:12.000 I'm not quite sure what they're trying to say by saying that. 0.88

00:45:16.000 I'm assuming that it's like as they're following, as they're using their computer code, the computer represents the universe or represents whatever they're trying to zero in on.

00:45:26.000 then they see a pattern that exists in ones and zeros, and they're saying that it's very clear that it's a specific type of pattern that was invented by one certain scientist, so they know exactly what the code should be. 0.92

00:45:40.000 But what the fuck does that mean?

00:45:41.000 Or this is a really hilarious improv comedy class video, viral video. 0.97

00:45:46.000 Well, we have to stop. 1.00

00:45:48.000 I mean, it sounds stupid. 0.99

00:45:49.000 This is one of those weird conversations where you've got to go, why are you even bothering to have this conversation? 0.99

00:45:56.000 But the reality is...

00:45:58.000 When you look at some of the video games that are available right now just for your iPad, this is an incredible leap of, say, just, I mean, my lifetime.

00:46:07.000 I was around when Pong came out. 0.98

00:46:10.000 When we had Pong when I was a kid, it was the shit. 0.99

00:46:12.000 You couldn't believe that you could make something move on the TV. And it was a black and white TV, by the way. 0.99

00:46:17.000 We were playing Pong.

00:46:19.000 And to go from that in our lifetime to what we're seeing now, graphically, I can only imagine that if you could go a thousand years forward from now...

00:46:30.000 Could you imagine?

00:46:32.000 We're easily going to have some sort of an artificial reality.

00:46:36.000 The real question is, is this it?

00:46:40.000 reality of some other reality?

00:46:43.000 Are we plugged in somewhere? 0.99

00:46:46.000 I mean, is this really like the fucking matrix? 0.95

00:46:48.000 I mean, are we in some sort of a perfect state of being able to completely control reality in some distant point in the future where we're just locking our consciousness into these crazy scenarios? - When I first heard this, when you first tweeted it, I now find myself trying to do something to get out of this thing, and now I think I'm going crazy. 0.95

00:47:09.000 I was talking to my cat, and I'm like, if you know this is a simulation, lick your lips right now.

00:47:13.000 I was doing that kind of test.

00:47:17.000 I don't think it's that easy.

00:47:18.000 But, like, I'm looking now to see if I can hack if this is a reality thing.

00:47:23.000 Well, when you hear stuff like this that you don't quite understand, but what they're trying to say, essentially, is that there's some sort of a code to everything.

00:47:32.000 And that it looks like, you know, like, it looks like even, like, it possibly has been designed.

00:47:37.000 I mean, they didn't say that specifically, but that, you know, if there is a mathematical code to it all.

00:47:42.000 Not even saying designed by, like, an entity.

00:47:44.000 Maybe just designed by nature. 0.99

00:47:46.000 Whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

00:47:48.000 But you've got to think that they're going to be able to simulate that eventually. 1.00

00:47:54.000 If they can get to that, they're going to go from that and then they're going to go to the next stage.

00:47:58.000 What is the next stage?

00:48:00.000 How does technology take us further and further down the road? 0.99

00:48:04.000 To the point where we might one day be living inside a fucking computer program. 1.00

00:48:08.000 And that shit might be going on right now. 0.99

00:48:10.000 It's like totally, man, it's one of those conversations. 1.00

00:48:13.000 What a fucking trip that will be. 0.96

00:48:15.000 What if it's something like, remember when you were in elementary school? 0.99

00:48:19.000 We lost Joey. 1.00

00:48:19.000 He's fucking picking shit up and staring at it. 1.00

00:48:21.000 He stared at a USB cable like it had the secrets to the universe in it. 1.00

00:48:25.000 We lost him.

00:48:28.000 We went way too deep into the what-if jar for Joey. 0.99

00:48:30.000 Dog, I ate a fucking half a bank chocolate triple bar before I came up here. 0.99

00:48:33.000 I know you do. 1.00

00:48:34.000 You guys are scaring me like Star Trek.

00:48:36.000 When I was a kid, I was always scared of Star Trek. 0.99

00:48:39.000 The music, I would shut that motherfucker off as long as I heard. 1.00

00:48:43.000 I'd fucking shut that TV off. 0.99

00:48:45.000 I switch on to something what if we come out of this this virtual reality world and it's something like we go back to like Third grade when we were having a they're checking us for lice And that's when they started it like they they liked they like fucking like put a needle in the back of our neck And then send it put us in this pod and then and then like you wake up and you're that kid again And you're like all right, so that's exactly what life is and that's how it could happen You know it's still wow you're like you know great still oh You know like when somebody goes to... 0.98

00:49:14.000 I'm not sure I'll follow you. 0.85

00:49:15.000 Just to explain it a little better, because this is what fucks me up all the time. 0.98

00:49:19.000 And this is what I see happening that fucking kills me by not being alive in, say, a hundred years. 0.99

00:49:25.000 Remember in Hannibal, in one of those stupid movies, he drew a picture, and she came to visit him, and she goes, did you draw that? 0.99

00:49:31.000 He goes, I drew it from memory. 0.99

00:49:33.000 Any Spider-Man in the face.

00:49:34.000 Yeah.

00:49:34.000 Well, it's really weird because people do that.

00:49:39.000 They go somewhere and they just remember something that they've seen from and they draw something from memory.

00:49:45.000 Right. 0.90

00:49:45.000 Which is pretty fucking brilliant. 0.90

00:49:47.000 Especially when you have little things that nobody else would know. 0.81

00:49:49.000 That means you caught that while you were there. 0.98

00:49:51.000 You know, it's really weird that maybe 30, 40 years from now you could put a hat on, close your fucking eyes, and you could go to Italy for the day. 0.99

00:49:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:50:00.000 Yeah.

00:50:00.000 Or forever.

00:50:01.000 You're going to go to Italy for the fucking day. 1.00

00:50:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:50:03.000 And come back and it's going to cost you $89 and you're going to get on a bus tour and it's really going to fucking take you. 1.00

00:50:09.000 Have you ever had an experience, any sort of a psychedelic experience that you felt like lasted a long time and then you came back and it was like, you know, it had only been like 10 minutes, 20 minutes?

00:50:20.000 Have you ever had one of those?

00:50:22.000 Absolutely.

00:50:23.000 That's what Ari said.

00:50:25.000 Ari said he went somewhere for over a month.

00:50:28.000 I think he said for months he felt like. 0.98

00:50:30.000 He felt like he had friendships there and he was going to miss people and he was living in some strange fucking parallel world. 0.98

00:50:38.000 No, Salvia. 0.96

00:50:39.000 And he said he came back 10 minutes later and he was just completely freaked out.

00:50:43.000 It was so hard for him to readjust because only 10 minutes had gone by but to him, months had gone by.

00:50:50.000 But we talked about it on the podcast, and I got all these tweets from other people that said they had the exact same thing happen to them.

00:50:56.000 You feel like while it's happening, though, you have this weird sense that, hey, I know all about this already.

00:51:03.000 I've been here.

00:51:04.000 I've felt this before.

00:51:06.000 That's the craziest part about the DMT experience.

00:51:09.000 The craziest part about that is that same feeling of, I know this place.

00:51:14.000 I know this already.

00:51:14.000 Yeah, I know this place.

00:51:15.000 I know what I'm saying.

00:51:17.000 Pfft! 0.63

00:51:17.000 When I first started tripping, I liked tripping with a group. 0.63

00:51:22.000 When I was 15, 14, you tripped with a group.

00:51:25.000 Right.

00:51:25.000 And it's a completely different experience when we all pop it together at 6, we drink beers, we roll 15 joints and smoke them, and then 8.30, you're tripping.

00:51:33.000 And now you're with friends and you're with warmth.

00:51:35.000 Right.

00:51:36.000 And the scariest thing for me was going home.

00:51:39.000 12, 1 o'clock, because you're by yourself.

00:51:42.000 Right.

00:51:42.000 And this is the most important part of the trip, is answering your questions to yourself.

00:51:47.000 Right.

00:51:47.000 And I'd go home and I'd go in and out.

00:51:49.000 Like, I'd put a Pink Floyd album on, you know, Dark Side of the Moon. 0.99

00:51:53.000 And for two songs, I was fucking gone. 0.86

00:51:55.000 But for two other songs, I was there saying to myself, oof, I got it together now. 0.98

00:52:00.000 Now I'm ready to do well.

00:52:01.000 Thank God this trip is done. 0.99

00:52:03.000 And just as I was getting up, that motherfucker came back to me again. 0.99

00:52:07.000 That's the difference when you do really good acid. 0.99

00:52:09.000 Now, last week, I've been working a lot on my knee with the bike.

00:52:12.000 You told me stationary bike.

00:52:14.000 So I usually go over there 45 an hour and I put on for some reason.

00:52:18.000 You know, they always say, I was cracking jokes at you guys once that sometimes you hide your weed and you don't know where you put it, but you get high and you'll find it.

00:52:25.000 You know, like, it's just amazing when you're in that consciousness again. 1.00

00:52:29.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:52:29.000 I know my weed is. 1.00

00:52:30.000 It's in a fucking car. 1.00

00:52:31.000 I just remember because you're high again. 1.00

00:52:33.000 And it's so weird.

00:52:34.000 The other day I was listening to Joe Rogan and Brian.

00:52:37.000 This is the weirdest thing that happened.

00:52:39.000 I went early and I had gotten up and I smoked and I had a great breakfast.

00:52:43.000 And I went to the thing and I put on...

00:52:46.000 No Quarter by Led Zeppelin Live.

00:52:49.000 And he's got a piece in there that's Jimmy Page playing the guitar that right there answers all your questions about life.

00:52:55.000 And I'll never forget, while I was sitting there riding the bike, I'm high, and it took me to where I was. 0.97

00:53:01.000 And I remember that it wasn't a fucking... 0.98

00:53:03.000 It wasn't a fucking, it was at a guy, Gunter Brown's house, that studded. 0.99

00:53:08.000 Gunter Brown, if you ask me again, I'm going to knock you down. 1.00

00:53:10.000 He was like this dirty white guy, but he was a millionaire. 0.99

00:53:13.000 His father invented the Dixie cup with the jokes or something. 0.99

00:53:16.000 And this guy was basically a junkie. 1.00

00:53:18.000 Like, you'd go over there and he'd say, you want your dick sucked? 1.00

00:53:20.000 I got a chick that'll suck your dick while you're taking a shit. 1.00

00:53:22.000 Like, he always had weird, dirty white women over there. 1.00

00:53:25.000 One time I went over there, I'm like 17, and I did a line of white heroin. 0.99

00:53:29.000 And he goes, I gotta go run an errand, and I'll be back.

00:53:31.000 And he left that album on.

00:53:34.000 And I remember that I was sitting up.

00:53:36.000 But, in my mind, I was in my fetal position.

00:53:41.000 And I was in my mother's womb and I could hear her heartbeat.

00:53:44.000 And even though I was, all I could hear was Jimmy Page's guitar.

00:53:47.000 And every time I would straighten up, I would see people there not judging me. 0.98

00:53:51.000 It was the fucking warmth of the room. 0.98

00:53:54.000 And the warmth was just amazing. 0.99

00:53:55.000 It was too much.

00:53:56.000 And in one corner was like Buddha.

00:53:58.000 The other corner was like Jesus. 1.00

00:53:59.000 Every corner was like a God that I didn't even know, like a Hindu, a Korean with a fucking sword. 1.00

00:54:04.000 And they weren't there judging me. 1.00

00:54:05.000 They were just there waiting for something.

00:54:07.000 And I remember I would go into the womb and come out of the womb. 1.00

00:54:10.000 And every time I I go into the womb and come out, Jimmy Page would keep playing that fucking guitar. 0.99

00:54:14.000 And I could hear my mother's heartbeat. 1.00

00:54:15.000 My mother was dead this time, so what's your psyche taking over that fucking trip? 0.99

00:54:19.000 And I could hear, and every time I would pop up, I would see every woman that ever came into my life, dog. 1.00

00:54:24.000 Whether I knew them or not. 1.00

00:54:25.000 Your lunch woman, your first grade teacher, the fucking nurse that delivered you to your mother's hands. 1.00

00:54:30.000 And all of a sudden, dog, I remember the Virgin Mary came out doing a strip fucking tease. 1.00

00:54:36.000 And this is where I was. 1.00

00:54:37.000 I'm in this fucking thing, and I don't want to look at the Virgin Mary's pussy. 1.00

00:54:40.000 But she takes off her fucking undies, and I'll never forget that her pussy was like a picture of me at that age. 1.00

00:54:46.000 And there was a guy sitting, and the whole time I'm sitting there in this room position, but there's a guy with his back to me going, you don't need the answers they got for you. 1.00

00:54:54.000 I got the real motherfucking answers to your problem. 1.00

00:54:57.000 And at that time you're going, I don't need your help, bitch. 1.00

00:55:00.000 The Virgin Mary's in front of me. 1.00

00:55:01.000 I got the answer, motherfucker! 1.00

00:55:03.000 And I remembered that heroin trip, how I cleaned up after that for about a month. 1.00

00:55:09.000 It was so real and it was eight hours of that. 1.00

00:55:12.000 Did he say the Virgin Mary's pussy was him as a child? 1.00

00:55:14.000 As a me. 1.00

00:55:15.000 It was like me with a little afro and I was like And I forgot that for 20 fucking years. 1.00

00:55:23.000 My balls are itching. 0.99

00:55:24.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:55:24.000 That's how strong that fucking story was. 1.00

00:55:26.000 No wonder I always want to touch you. 1.00

00:55:27.000 I never fucking did. 0.99

00:55:28.000 I didn't do it for years after that. 0.98

00:55:30.000 I was like, that's a little too fucking strong. 0.73

00:55:33.000 That's why when you guys talk about that DMT warmth, that warmth is universal like that. 0.99

00:55:38.000 When you're there at that other level of consciousness, you're tripping.

00:55:42.000 You're in deep waters, but something's telling you...

00:55:45.000 You're okay.

00:55:46.000 It's very loving. 0.98

00:55:47.000 I mean, people who have bad trips, you know, I don't know what your particular chemistry is, but a lot of it, I do believe, and this is, you know, I'm no expert, clearly, but I do believe a lot of it is shit that's fucking with them already. 0.99

00:56:00.000 And it's overdosing. 0.98

00:56:01.000 It could be that.

00:56:02.000 No.

00:56:02.000 A bad trip is basically somebody trying to control it.

00:56:05.000 You want me to tell you what a bad trip is?

00:56:07.000 Seeing yourself.

00:56:08.000 Oh, okay.

00:56:09.000 That's all it is.

00:56:10.000 But then how come some people do it a few times and they enjoy it and then they'll do it one time and have a bad trip?

00:56:15.000 Because they've seen themselves.

00:56:16.000 But they do it the first couple times and enjoy it.

00:56:18.000 Sure, sure, because we did it in a circle. 0.99

00:56:20.000 We didn't go home and the phone rang and you seen your face in the mirror fucking melting. 0.99

00:56:24.000 That's right in the mirror of my house. 0.97

00:56:25.000 And you felt warmth and you sat down and all of a sudden you feel like eating and you don't.

00:56:30.000 And all of a sudden you start thinking of your childhood and where you went wrong and all the secrets that you have inside of you.

00:56:35.000 And now they're in front of you.

00:56:36.000 And you've got to deal with them.

00:56:37.000 Ah! 1.00

00:56:38.000 That's your bad fucking trip. 1.00

00:56:40.000 That's your bad fucking trip. 1.00

00:56:41.000 That is what it is. 1.00

00:56:42.000 It's really, you got a lot of fucked up shit in your own life that you don't appreciate getting illuminated. 1.00

00:56:49.000 And it's freaking you out. 1.00

00:56:50.000 It's yourself.

00:56:51.000 It's when you trip.

00:56:52.000 I can only say from my personal experiences.

00:56:54.000 That's been my personal experience.

00:56:56.000 When I've had a bad trip, it's always been a...

00:56:59.000 And I haven't had anything that was really bad, but I've had some pot ones.

00:57:03.000 I had a few pot moments when I first started smoking where I just got way too blasted.

00:57:08.000 I just couldn't swim yet.

00:57:10.000 I didn't know what I was doing yet.

00:57:11.000 And I was just getting overwhelmed by these waves.

00:57:14.000 Because what would happen was...

00:57:18.000 Whenever you're in even a mild psychedelic-like pot, what it does is it sort of brings you into some different place.

00:57:24.000 And if you're trying to resist that in any way, if you're trying to fight that in any way or control it in any way, it's going to overwhelm you, especially if you take enough.

00:57:33.000 If you take enough to get paranoid and freaked out, the reason why it's so effective, like, you can learn so much from it, It's the same reason why it's so impactful when it happens, why you can't control it.

00:57:44.000 It's just slipping away from you.

00:57:46.000 And you'll get overwhelmed with these self-realizations. 1.00

00:57:50.000 And it could be from shit from a decade ago, man. 0.99

00:57:53.000 Absolutely. 1.00

00:57:53.000 It could be an old girlfriend where you said one cruel thing 15, 20 years ago and you feel like a douchebag today. 1.00

00:58:03.000 Things that you said when you were 15 can haunt you.

00:58:06.000 I mean, I've had that happen.

00:58:08.000 But I think that's all to get you to look at yourself in a really honest way.

00:58:16.000 It's very difficult for us to do.

00:58:19.000 I think most of us like to put our blinders on and just sort of stumble through this and make it look as pretty as it possibly can along the way and pretend.

00:58:30.000 You know, pretend that we're doing everything correctly.

00:58:32.000 But to really, like, assess.

00:58:34.000 You know, it's almost like forcing yourself to go to school on yourself.

00:58:37.000 You know, people don't want to do any more school work than they already have to.

00:58:40.000 You know, if I can get off work at 5 o'clock and I'm done for the day, there's no more thinking.

00:58:45.000 Done.

00:58:46.000 There's your self-improvement. 1.00

00:58:47.000 Suck my dick. 1.00

00:58:47.000 I'm going to sleep. 1.00

00:58:49.000 Give me my Ambien.

00:58:50.000 Stop yelling at me.

00:58:51.000 And I think that's a part of it, too.

00:58:55.000 I think a lot of people are just too tired to try to improve themselves.

00:59:00.000 You know, it's funny that you always talk about how you wash and all that stuff.

00:59:04.000 But in reality, if you really look into it, you're a smart guy.

00:59:08.000 If you really look into the coca plant, it started out as a mild hallucinogenic that kind of gave you a little bit of energy.

00:59:15.000 Yeah, well, the people in high altitudes, they chew the leaves.

00:59:19.000 They chew the leaves.

00:59:20.000 And apparently it's healthy for you.

00:59:22.000 You know, those guys, I read some of those guys who lived to 80, 90, they work under the sun, the altitude.

00:59:26.000 Really high up there, too.

00:59:27.000 It's we, it's us, that destroyed this drug. 0.99

00:59:31.000 You know, we put it into powder form and all this shit. 0.99

00:59:33.000 What do they do? 0.99

00:59:34.000 How do they take it?

00:59:35.000 They take it out of the coca leaves and then they somehow or another...

00:59:38.000 It becomes a paste. 1.00

00:59:39.000 It becomes a paste and then they put it on this fucking block. 1.00

00:59:42.000 I've never processed it. 0.99

00:59:44.000 You can't get that experience from the coca leaf, right?

00:59:47.000 You have to break it down to the white powder to get that cocaine charge.

00:59:51.000 I do know one thing.

00:59:52.000 I did blow in the 80s and in the late 70s.

00:59:54.000 And the blow that's on the street now, it's two complete different highs.

00:59:58.000 Really?

00:59:58.000 Yeah.

00:59:59.000 In the 70s, in the early 80s, it was cocaine.

01:00:03.000 It wasn't processed.

01:00:03.000 There was no fillers.

01:00:04.000 There was no pink slime.

01:00:06.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:00:07.000 It just made people feel great.

01:00:08.000 It was. 0.92

01:00:09.000 Bro, it didn't fucking make people lose their houses because it made them feel bad. 0.96

01:00:14.000 The problem with cocaine was the marketing. 0.97

01:00:16.000 It wasn't cocaine that was so good.

01:00:18.000 It was the marketing.

01:00:19.000 We've discussed this.

01:00:20.000 The marketing was brilliant.

01:00:21.000 They gave it to people who had a lot of money, and musicians and athletes, and they gave people that were poor or 20 minutes of feeling important.

01:00:34.000 In the 80s, everybody was sniffing.

01:00:36.000 That's how a lot of athletes apparently get hooked after they stop competing.

01:00:42.000 They miss a charge.

01:00:44.000 They miss something, and then they'll start hanging around with people who party.

01:00:49.000 All of a sudden, now they're getting it out of...

01:00:51.000 A lot of boxers ended their life that way. 0.94

01:00:54.000 Sonny Liston.

01:00:55.000 Sonny Liston ended his life that way.

01:00:57.000 A lot of guys did.

01:00:59.000 They would just start doing drugs.

01:01:01.000 Joe Lewis, I'm pretty sure he started doing drugs. 1.00

01:01:03.000 The fucking spark is gone. 0.99

01:01:04.000 See, the artificial spark, and the artificial spark isn't as good. 1.00

01:01:07.000 Sugar Ray Leonard had a problem. 0.99

01:01:09.000 It's like Sevilla fucking sugar. 0.99

01:01:11.000 It ain't as good as sugar. 1.00

01:01:12.000 De La Jolla had a problem. 0.99

01:01:13.000 Yeah, putting on stockings and shit like that. 0.99

01:01:15.000 Dude, getting coked up, too. 0.99

01:01:16.000 I put on stockings one night with a chick. 0.99

01:01:18.000 Were you coked up? 1.00

01:01:19.000 To the fucking skills. 1.00

01:01:21.000 Yeah, I mean, everybody was saying. 1.00

01:01:22.000 She sucked my dick, but I didn't take no pictures. 1.00

01:01:24.000 Everybody was saying that Oscar De La Hoya is gay. 1.00

01:01:26.000 And I'm like, no, Oscar De La Hoya does coke. 0.97

01:01:28.000 Okay?

01:01:29.000 What are you talking about?

01:01:30.000 Just because he's wearing...

01:01:32.000 He's hanging out with girls, man.

01:01:33.000 Do you understand? 1.00

01:01:34.000 He's hanging out with these stupid, hot Russian strippers and he's coked out of his mind wearing women's clothes. 1.00

01:01:42.000 You refuse to believe that he's just gay. 1.00

01:01:43.000 He might be, but I don't believe so.

01:01:45.000 He's been married for 10 years. 0.99

01:01:46.000 He's been fucking with his sheet on for seven. 1.00

01:01:48.000 He goes to New York and some Russian chick puts a fucking Chernobyl tongue in his asshole. 1.00

01:01:53.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:01:54.000 That's your noble tongue, turns the fucking lights out on you. 1.00

01:01:56.000 You'll be waiting out in line for toilet paper, you know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:01:59.000 He fucking went bananas. 0.98

01:02:01.000 It just happens in our society, and what are you going to do? 1.00

01:02:04.000 It's funny, with Greg that night, we were talking about what cocaine did. 0.99

01:02:08.000 You know, with acid and pills, nobody lost their fucking house in the 70s. 0.99

01:02:11.000 You smoked a joint, it was $2. 1.00

01:02:13.000 Right. 1.00

01:02:13.000 All of a sudden cocaine came and people were losing their fucking homes. 1.00

01:02:16.000 So you break it down. 0.99

01:02:19.000 The experience that you get from chewing the leaves, you can't get that cocaine rush.

01:02:23.000 No, not like that.

01:02:24.000 You only get like a little mild buzz from chewing the leaves.

01:02:27.000 So the only way to get it into your bloodstream the way the cocaine rush is No, but I heard from chewing a massive dose. 0.99

01:02:34.000 If you keep eating the fucking leaves, you'll get high, you know? 0.99

01:02:39.000 Maybe you have to eat a whole salad. 1.00

01:02:41.000 You'll take the positive side of it. 1.00

01:02:42.000 I think you get the euphoric without that fucking bullshit. 1.00

01:02:46.000 Sorry, it's just like a Speed Buds. 1.00

01:02:47.000 Yeah, like that euphoric.

01:02:49.000 I wonder, man.

01:02:50.000 It opens up everything.

01:02:51.000 It's not even unhealthy for you.

01:02:53.000 It's really bizarre that that becomes cocaine, which is terrible for people.

01:02:58.000 We've all seen a lot of people have cocaine problems. 1.00

01:03:01.000 And it's a fucking nightmare. 1.00

01:03:02.000 Yeah, it's terrible. 1.00

01:03:03.000 I had an ex-girlfriend.

01:03:04.000 I had a real problem with it, man. 1.00

01:03:06.000 I hate you. 0.91

01:03:06.000 She was scared. 0.91

01:03:07.000 She was scared that someone could bring it up at a party because she wouldn't be able to say no.

01:03:11.000 They're the most annoying people.

01:03:13.000 Yeah.

01:03:13.000 It was when I first moved to LA, and the only thing I knew about cocaine was all negative from Boston.

01:03:21.000 And I had just gotten done being in this situation where I had to kind of get away from a dude that I knew was selling it, and he was dangerous.

01:03:30.000 To Boston.

01:03:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:03:31.000 And so right when I came here, and I started dating this chick, and she was telling me that she had this This cocaine thing. 1.00

01:03:38.000 She liked it, and she didn't like how much she liked it.

01:03:40.000 It made her really nervous.

01:03:42.000 And I was like, why? 0.66

01:03:44.000 She's like, well, I could just see myself just completely fucking up my life for that stuff. 0.71

01:03:47.000 And I was like, why?

01:03:48.000 And she was a very smart girl.

01:03:50.000 And if she would go to a party, she said she would get scared if someone pulled it out.

01:03:54.000 She gets scared. 0.99

01:03:55.000 Hey bro, once some people get going, they get fucking going. 0.99

01:03:59.000 Apparently, man, especially girls. 0.99

01:04:01.000 I have a friend, I've never done coke.

01:04:05.000 Never.

01:04:05.000 But I have a friend who did it and started doing it just because of girls.

01:04:09.000 That's how he got into it, because girls like it. 1.00

01:04:11.000 He said, dude, girls will go crazy when you do coke with them. 1.00

01:04:14.000 He goes, they go crazy.

01:04:16.000 So that's why he started doing coke.

01:04:19.000 He says, I don't even like it. 0.99

01:04:21.000 They go fucking bananas. 0.99

01:04:22.000 Why is that? 0.99

01:04:24.000 And if you get the perfect pigeon, like you get the perfect one that just gets crazy by 4 o'clock when you whip out that second gram. 1.00

01:04:31.000 You know, when they're walking around naked, they're playing with their pussy, and they're putting coke rocks in their nipples. 1.00

01:04:36.000 It's fucking crazy. 1.00

01:04:38.000 And you see this, and you're like, wow. 0.99

01:04:40.000 Wow. 1.00

01:04:40.000 And how they suck dick, how different it is to blowjob. 1.00

01:04:43.000 Like, they get into it. 1.00

01:04:44.000 Really? 0.99

01:04:44.000 They'll fucking stop and mid-suck and give me another line to get some energy. 0.99

01:04:48.000 And they'll suck that pipe for another 20 minutes. 1.00

01:04:50.000 That pipe, that ain't gonna come. 0.99

01:04:51.000 You ain't gonna come. 1.00

01:04:52.000 So how long do they suck your dick for? 1.00

01:04:54.000 40 minutes. 1.00

01:04:56.000 And then they drink a beer, they eat a sandwich, and they're back on that helmet another 40 minutes. 1.00

01:05:00.000 You want to fucking snort, you gotta suck this fucking pipe at death. 1.00

01:05:03.000 There ain't nothing coming out either. 1.00

01:05:05.000 So you basically are giving them a blank.

01:05:08.000 You're shooting a blank at them for like an hour and a half. 0.97

01:05:10.000 It's just sour fucking blank that they do get at the end. 0.99

01:05:13.000 It doesn't even shoot out. 1.00

01:05:14.000 It just drips down your dick like it's watery. 1.00

01:05:16.000 What is it about coke that keeps you from coming? 1.00

01:05:19.000 I don't fucking know. 0.99

01:05:21.000 It's the mechanism. 0.99

01:05:21.000 The mechanism. 0.99

01:05:23.000 I remember when I got locked up.

01:05:24.000 You know, when you're waiting in line to go to the doctor.

01:05:27.000 Once you get to prison, they had all these things on a billboard. 0.98

01:05:31.000 Like, you know, be careful the hepatitis B, shit like that. 0.96

01:05:35.000 Then they had newspaper articles on coke. 1.00

01:05:37.000 You know, in the fucking 80s, people were shooting coke into their dick. 1.00

01:05:41.000 After like two days, they go, fuck it! 1.00

01:05:43.000 What can I do to enhance this shit? 1.00

01:05:46.000 I've already lit her on fire. 1.00

01:05:47.000 I killed one hooker. 1.00

01:05:49.000 I've come 80 times and I got a big bag of blow left. 1.00

01:05:52.000 I'll shoot it in my dick directly. 1.00

01:05:55.000 And their legs would go fucking, like they'd have to get rushed to the hospital. 1.00

01:05:58.000 They'd lose a leg. 0.99

01:05:59.000 You know, you have a heart before Viagra and whatever in the 80s. 1.00

01:06:03.000 People in their deep mind were thinking that if you fucking put coke rocks in your dick, trust me, I was one of them. 1.00

01:06:09.000 If I would've taken needles, if I would've been able to take needles, I would've shot coke in my dick a couple nights. 1.00

01:06:14.000 That's how crazy you get. 1.00

01:06:15.000 Oh my God. 1.00

01:06:15.000 If you have a fucking coke bitch, a crazy one. 1.00

01:06:18.000 You sprinkle it on her pussy. 1.00

01:06:19.000 Oh, you lick that shit. 1.00

01:06:21.000 You tell them, you show them that coke rock. 1.00

01:06:22.000 Really? 1.00

01:06:23.000 Oh, you put that stuff- Oh, they go fucking crazy. 1.00

01:06:26.000 Suck on it. 1.00

01:06:26.000 You lick that fucking clit until it's numb. 1.00

01:06:28.000 Your mouth becomes numb. 1.00

01:06:29.000 Your pussy's numb. 1.00

01:06:30.000 Then you put some on your helmet. 1.00

01:06:32.000 You put some in your pee hole. 0.98

01:06:33.000 You put a Coke rock in your pee hole. 1.00

01:06:35.000 Tell that bitch to suck it out. 1.00

01:06:36.000 It's all over. 1.00

01:06:37.000 What?

01:06:38.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

01:06:38.000 You put a Coke rock in your pee hole. 0.98

01:06:40.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

01:06:40.000 Like you load it up like a spitball? 1.00

01:06:42.000 Right, like a spitball.

01:06:43.000 Like a cannon. 1.00

01:06:44.000 And then they suck it, but the wetness, it gets all gooey and shit like that. 1.00

01:06:47.000 Okay, so what is it about doing coke that makes people just become crazy? 0.99

01:06:52.000 Just makes people freaky and makes people just, what is the feelings?

01:06:57.000 I've never experienced it.

01:06:58.000 I don't want to know.

01:06:59.000 You want the original, the middle, or the last result?

01:07:03.000 Any of the above.

01:07:04.000 The beginning, it's like getting laid for the first time if somebody opens Pandora.

01:07:09.000 Either you like it or you don't.

01:07:10.000 Like a foreigner song?

01:07:11.000 But what happens is socially, socially, socially, once you do it, it lifts you.

01:07:17.000 It lifts you.

01:07:18.000 It lifts you to a different level of people like you think.

01:07:21.000 That's how it gets you.

01:07:22.000 It's like anything else, Joe Rogan.

01:07:24.000 Gambling.

01:07:24.000 How do you get addicted?

01:07:25.000 Listen, Doc, I want a lift.

01:07:27.000 I've never had biceps, Doc, okay?

01:07:29.000 I want a shot to help me get biceps. 0.59

01:07:31.000 What do you mean? 1.00

01:07:32.000 You shoot a fucking shot. 1.00

01:07:33.000 Next thing you know, you got a bicep in your shoulders. 1.00

01:07:35.000 Next thing you know, you got the doctors every week shooting fucking steroids. 0.99

01:07:37.000 How does it start? 1.00

01:07:38.000 It all starts beautiful.

01:07:40.000 It's like a marriage.

01:07:41.000 You go on the honeymoon. 1.00

01:07:42.000 They suck your dick. 1.00

01:07:43.000 Honey, honey. 1.00

01:07:44.000 After a year, Monday Night Football, you don't want to talk to them no more.

01:07:46.000 It's just like anything else.

01:07:47.000 The drug turns beautiful at the beginning.

01:07:49.000 You're meeting people.

01:07:50.000 Oh my God, they're so interesting.

01:07:53.000 They're coked up. 1.00

01:07:53.000 They're having art parties and shit. 1.00

01:07:55.000 I love that. 0.97

01:07:56.000 Then it becomes something different.

01:07:58.000 Then it becomes taking the package home with you.

01:08:02.000 Because at first you go out, me and Brian, Brian, you got 20?

01:08:05.000 Yeah, let's go to 40. Boom, we go out, but at the end of the night, see you tomorrow, bye!

01:08:09.000 Then it becomes something else.

01:08:10.000 Brian, let's get another 40 and go back to your house.

01:08:12.000 Let's get another 40, you know.

01:08:13.000 Then we go back to his house and we get another 40. Then it becomes something else.

01:08:17.000 Now you're missing work. 0.99

01:08:18.000 You know, your bank account is fucking down. 0.97

01:08:21.000 Now you're on a roll. 0.99

01:08:22.000 You know, now you hook up with a chick that's completely out of your character. 1.00

01:08:26.000 Why? 1.00

01:08:26.000 Because when you give her a rock and coke, she licks your asshole. 1.00

01:08:30.000 She lights your ball sack on fire. 1.00

01:08:32.000 She does that. 0.98

01:08:33.000 There's nothing even emotional about it, Joe Rogan.

01:08:35.000 You don't even like this chick in the daytime. 1.00

01:08:37.000 Right.

01:08:38.000 You don't even like her in the daytime.

01:08:39.000 But when you're doing coke, she's fun. 0.97

01:08:41.000 She'll talk to you.

01:08:42.000 Right.

01:08:42.000 You know, whatever.

01:08:43.000 And a lot of guys like just the fact that a girl will go degenerate with them as well.

01:08:47.000 With them, sure.

01:08:48.000 Nobody wants to go down a dark street.

01:08:49.000 They always take somebody down dark streets.

01:08:51.000 Yeah.

01:08:51.000 And then it becomes something like after 20 years with me, it becomes creepy.

01:08:56.000 20 years?

01:08:57.000 It becomes your underlying motive.

01:09:00.000 Forever.

01:09:00.000 When you wake up in the morning, you're thinking of that joke.

01:09:03.000 You're thinking of going to...

01:09:04.000 To Tennessee tomorrow.

01:09:05.000 But I'm also thinking, how am I going to bring coke with me?

01:09:08.000 Am I going to stay clean?

01:09:10.000 Am I going to get it tonight and double up for the week? 0.99

01:09:12.000 I just get really fucked up tonight. 0.97

01:09:13.000 That'll take me over till you start. 0.99

01:09:16.000 Take me over till when you say that, what would happen?

01:09:18.000 How many days could you go before you would get a physical craving?

01:09:22.000 Three.

01:09:23.000 Three days.

01:09:23.000 Those days.

01:09:24.000 Three, four.

01:09:25.000 I got a craving every night at 8 o'clock. 0.99

01:09:27.000 At 8 o'clock my fucking ears would go numb like Michael Corleone in The Godfather when he shot Salazzo. 0.99

01:09:32.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:09:33.000 My ears go numb.

01:09:34.000 I was thinking about it the other day.

01:09:36.000 I used to run red lights until I got to the ATM machine.

01:09:39.000 What?

01:09:41.000 Even while I was taking the money out of the ATM machine, I was a different person.

01:09:45.000 There was no logic. 1.00

01:09:46.000 It's like that joke you do about sitting in the back of the bus and the bus driver's your dick. 1.00

01:09:51.000 I had no logic. 1.00

01:09:53.000 Even if God was right there saying, Joey, you're 400 pounds, you're going to die.

01:09:57.000 I had no logic.

01:09:58.000 That whole drive, I had no logic.

01:10:01.000 I would make the U-turn on Sunset.

01:10:03.000 No logic.

01:10:04.000 Make a ride on La Brea, shoot right over to Dante, and get the package. 0.57

01:10:08.000 And on the drive, I'd be cracking.

01:10:10.000 Now I'd stop for red lights.

01:10:12.000 Now I got my focus back.

01:10:14.000 Because I needed a red light to break it up.

01:10:16.000 How?

01:10:18.000 So I would break it up right there, right there.

01:10:20.000 Break it up?

01:10:21.000 Where?

01:10:21.000 Because it comes in a rock.

01:10:22.000 And I would break it up in my hand in a baggie.

01:10:25.000 So you put your fingers inside the baggie or on the outside?

01:10:29.000 No, no, no.

01:10:29.000 I just seal the baggie and break it from the outside.

01:10:31.000 You just crush it? 0.93

01:10:31.000 Crush it. 0.93

01:10:32.000 If it's a re-rock coke, then it's hard.

01:10:34.000 Then it's a fugazi.

01:10:35.000 You've got to get the hammer out.

01:10:37.000 Really?

01:10:37.000 But if it's real coke, it's soft.

01:10:39.000 It should break first fucking... 0.99

01:10:41.000 And then you just put a dollar bill there. 1.00

01:10:43.000 Is that how you can tell whether or not Coke is good?

01:10:45.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:10:47.000 But it's really hard to get real Coke.

01:10:49.000 Sure, because they cut it, they put speed in it.

01:10:51.000 Isn't that amazing?

01:10:53.000 That's what deregulation is, ladies and gentlemen. 0.92

01:10:55.000 When we don't regulate something and you make it illegal, then a bunch of different people are allowed to cut it up and do whatever the fuck they want to do with it and call it cocaine. 0.90

01:11:04.000 Lax it in.

01:11:04.000 But if you couldn't do this, it would all be completely illegal if it was being sold at CVS. If you could buy it at the liquor store.

01:11:11.000 If I could just buy a leaf?

01:11:13.000 I wonder if regular cocaine... 1.00

01:11:15.000 How bad is regular cocaine for you without all the shit? 1.00

01:11:18.000 Is it just as addictive? 1.00

01:11:20.000 Dog, it's got to be like anything else.

01:11:21.000 Chinese food is good for you one time every two weeks.

01:11:24.000 Regular cocaine can be good for you?

01:11:26.000 I'm sure in this society...

01:11:30.000 There's a coke fiend scientist somewhere that can find one positive effect of coke. 0.73

01:11:36.000 You and I both know that.

01:11:37.000 I'll tell you one positive effect it had for me while I was doing it.

01:11:40.000 I wasn't ADD no more.

01:11:42.000 Really?

01:11:42.000 It's amazing.

01:11:43.000 You focus on fucking shadows. 1.00

01:11:44.000 I was good at math. 1.00

01:11:46.000 I would love to do math equations when I was coked up.

01:11:49.000 Really? 0.99

01:11:49.000 And mindfuck. 0.99

01:11:50.000 You know I'm not a mindfucker. 1.00

01:11:51.000 You know if you come to me and go, what if Anderson Silva... 0.98

01:11:53.000 Fought Muhammad Ali. 1.00

01:11:54.000 Go fuck your mother. 1.00

01:11:55.000 I ain't got time to figure that puzzle out. 1.00

01:11:57.000 I got more important things like a joker, you know? 1.00

01:11:59.000 But mindfuck yourself. 0.99

01:12:01.000 Like, what if I went on the road every week and made 10 grand and sold 300 t-shirts? 1.00

01:12:06.000 Like, I would do shit like that. 0.99

01:12:07.000 Like, you know? 1.00

01:12:09.000 Like, shit like that. 0.99

01:12:10.000 Like, and do math like that for hours. 0.99

01:12:12.000 Like, it's got nothing to do with me.

01:12:13.000 But I always get so analytical.

01:12:16.000 You get so analytical. 0.99

01:12:17.000 I think about shit that I was thinking about and break it down. 1.00

01:12:20.000 The same thing you do with acid. 0.99

01:12:21.000 The same thing you do with mushrooms. 0.93

01:12:23.000 When you take a mushroom, if you're a normal fucking individual, if you have some type of pain going on in your heart right now, after an hour of giggling and joking around, that pain's going to start to come up because it's forcing you to deal with it. 0.88

01:12:37.000 That's where the bad trip comes in. 0.97

01:12:39.000 And the same thing probably happens for coke, it happens for heroin.

01:12:43.000 I mean, dog, everything.

01:12:44.000 You know, if I do two squats twice a week, that's great for you. 0.98

01:12:48.000 If I do it six times a week with 400 pounds, I'm going to fuck something up eventually. 0.89

01:12:51.000 Right. 0.95

01:12:52.000 Everything, Joe Rogan, you know?

01:12:54.000 But the coke experience is very different than the coke cut with speed experience, right?

01:12:59.000 Right.

01:12:59.000 The Coke experience I had in the 80s and the Coke experience I had five years ago is two different things.

01:13:05.000 When did it...

01:13:06.000 I mean, there's no way to tell until you do it, right?

01:13:11.000 I think the Coke chains in mid-80s, when they figured out that the speed aspect of it would get you addicted.

01:13:18.000 Oh.

01:13:19.000 When they figured out because...

01:13:21.000 So you get addicted to the speed?

01:13:22.000 You're not even getting addicted to Coke as much?

01:13:25.000 Absolutely.

01:13:25.000 Coke gives you wings.

01:13:26.000 Whoa, that is crazy.

01:13:28.000 So once they started throwing the speed in and the accelerants in there, you know, crack is...

01:13:33.000 Coke was a loser for a while because they couldn't...

01:13:36.000 The Bush administration couldn't... 0.99

01:13:38.000 The Bush?

01:13:39.000 Bush.

01:13:39.000 They weren't letting ether into the...

01:13:42.000 That was the biggest problem.

01:13:43.000 It wasn't getting...

01:13:43.000 We've had this discussion.

01:13:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:13:45.000 Well, you couldn't get it out, so they...

01:13:47.000 They started washing it with gasoline.

01:13:48.000 So that Coke had a horrible smell to it.

01:13:51.000 Like you do a line and go, Jesus Christ!

01:13:54.000 Like some of it was, like I remember one time I went and bought a bad buy.

01:13:57.000 I bought nine ounces. 0.80

01:13:58.000 The Coke was tremendous, but it smelled like cat piss.

01:14:01.000 And I would sell it at bargain prices. 0.81

01:14:03.000 And people would still come back like, Joey, I love you, but this is brutal, dog. 0.66

01:14:07.000 This is pure cat piss. 0.56

01:14:09.000 Pure cappus.

01:14:10.000 I ended up snorting the whole thing.

01:14:12.000 I burnt holes under here.

01:14:14.000 You know how football players put those black marks under their eyes? 0.99

01:14:17.000 I had two pink things under here from the fucking whatever was coming out. 1.00

01:14:20.000 It was just burning my fucking skin. 1.00

01:14:22.000 But fucking it was free. 1.00

01:14:23.000 I had already paid for it. 1.00

01:14:25.000 I didn't know that.

01:14:27.000 That's when cocaine became a no loser.

01:14:29.000 Because if the coke was good, you sold it at high prices. 1.00

01:14:32.000 And if it tasted like a monkey's ass, then you turned it into crack. 0.99

01:14:36.000 And it burned all the residue and it gave you back the pure cocaine. 1.00

01:14:40.000 That's crazy. 1.00

01:14:41.000 Who the fuck figured that out? 1.00

01:14:43.000 Not two black guys in Harlem. 1.00

01:14:45.000 You follow what I'm saying to you? 1.00

01:14:46.000 This is what our conversation, you know, no black guy, Brian, no black guy or no fucking coke fienders are going to go home and go, listen, Brian, we got $40 worth of coke. 1.00

01:14:55.000 I'm sick and tired of snorting it. 1.00

01:14:57.000 What if we put it in a glass?

01:15:00.000 And we put baking soda in there, and we put it in the microwave oven and cook it up.

01:15:03.000 And in 20 seconds, once that bell goes bing, we take it out, we smoke it.

01:15:08.000 Two white guys on coke didn't invent that.

01:15:11.000 But creating crack, what does the baking soda have to do with anything?

01:15:16.000 Because it cleans.

01:15:18.000 Baking soda, like when you put it in your refrigerator, you can put it in douches. 1.00

01:15:21.000 You can brush your fucking teeth with it. 0.99

01:15:26.000 Whatever's in there, it neutralizes. 1.00

01:15:28.000 It burns away all the waste. 1.00

01:15:30.000 So all the shit they put in there, like if you put a gram of coke in, and after you take it out, weigh that motherfucker, again, you get six tenths now. 1.00

01:15:37.000 Is that crack or is that freebase? 1.00

01:15:39.000 That's like a freebase, but you could take that thing and put it into cigarettes.

01:15:43.000 A lot of Colombians would just take the front of the cigarettes out and pop those in the clubs, and you think they're smoking a cigarette. 1.00

01:15:48.000 They're smoking pure fucking bazookas in them cigarettes. 1.00

01:15:51.000 Them things are killing the cancer. 1.00

01:15:54.000 Wow.

01:15:55.000 So, what is the difference then between crack and freebase?

01:16:01.000 They did something with crack to multiply it even more.

01:16:04.000 To make it more addictive.

01:16:05.000 No, no, to make it more of a money.

01:16:08.000 Spread it out more.

01:16:09.000 To make more money from it.

01:16:10.000 It was really cheap, yeah, because I didn't understand that.

01:16:12.000 Right.

01:16:12.000 I thought that was making with baking soda.

01:16:14.000 I thought that's what it was in a spoon. 1.00

01:16:15.000 No, that's the shit, the other shit. 1.00

01:16:17.000 The shit they do with crackers is when they put it in a paint thing and it was thinner. 1.00

01:16:21.000 You know, like, let's say, I don't even know what... 0.99

01:16:25.000 You've got 28 grams in an ounce, so 16 ounces times 28, whatever that is.

01:16:29.000 A regular person would throw 10 on 28, so you would throw 16 times 10, 160 grams of cut on it or something.

01:16:37.000 This is what I'm just assuming.

01:16:38.000 With crack, you could probably throw gram for gram.

01:16:42.000 So I could probably get whatever the result is for 28 times 16 and add it and neutralize it to 50%.

01:16:50.000 And I get, you know, with heroin, with heroin, the mob didn't do nothing. 1.00

01:16:53.000 Everybody, so, oh, the mob, they're fucking morons. 1.00

01:16:57.000 They just figured out how to take heroin and pay $50,000 and get $400,000 back from it. 1.00

01:17:05.000 Imagine that.

01:17:06.000 If I figured out how to give you $50,000 every week, and on Friday I picked up $400,000.

01:17:12.000 Wow, how are they doing that?

01:17:13.000 Because they were taking heroin and cutting it to nothing. 0.92

01:17:16.000 You seem like an American gangster. 0.55

01:17:17.000 The cops were taking the heroin, cutting it, and selling it back to the mob. 0.83

01:17:20.000 Then the mob was cutting it and selling it. 1.00

01:17:23.000 This is fucking craziness! 1.00

01:17:24.000 This is what Alex Jones talks about. 1.00

01:17:27.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:17:28.000 But heroin even at 40% will fuck your world. 0.99

01:17:30.000 Isn't it amazing when you find out how many cops actually have sold drugs and been caught by it? 0.95

01:17:35.000 Remember the cocaine cowboys with the whole entire graduating class of the Miami Police Department? 0.99

01:17:41.000 The whatever it is, what's the, not the, what is it?

01:17:46.000 The training academy.

01:17:48.000 Yeah, police academy.

01:17:49.000 100% of them either were murdered or wound up being incarcerated for being corrupt.

01:17:55.000 100% of them.

01:17:56.000 But what happened at the time was Miami got a gun put to their head like any other community.

01:18:01.000 Spics were moving in. 1.00

01:18:02.000 Latinos were everywhere.

01:18:03.000 Cubans were everywhere. 0.98

01:18:04.000 In 1979, Fidel sent fucking 98 boats filled with Cubans and 94 of them stayed in Miami. 0.94

01:18:11.000 How much was cocaine responsible for what Miami became? 0.98

01:18:16.000 My God, it was built on it.

01:18:17.000 This Coconut Grove where I'm going, they had an investigative with Bill Curtis.

01:18:21.000 Coconut Grove was a place where pirates used to hang out in the 1700s.

01:18:25.000 Great story where I'm going.

01:18:26.000 And that whole city is built on cocaine. 0.91

01:18:29.000 I know a guy who lived down there for a while, and he told me, I don't know if this is a verifiable fact, but there's more banks per capita in Miami than any other city in the country.

01:18:39.000 That makes sense.

01:18:40.000 They said it was all just laundering money and bringing in cocaine.

01:18:44.000 So in the 80s when that thing went on with those cops, the city got the gun put to their head.

01:18:49.000 They're like, bro, you got all these Latinos and you got no Latins on the police force. 1.00

01:18:52.000 You got to put more cops in the police force in a hurry before this gets out of hand.

01:18:57.000 So they didn't even do background checks.

01:18:59.000 Oh my God.

01:19:00.000 They sealed all their juvie records and they hired all these cops and they had four cops, right?

01:19:04.000 The cowboy cops.

01:19:05.000 Yeah.

01:19:05.000 That were just pulling you over, taking your drugs and throwing you into the river.

01:19:08.000 That's what they call them.

01:19:09.000 The river cops.

01:19:10.000 I remember me and Joe were in Coconut Grove the week one of them got let out of jail and he got a job as a cook and the whole community signed petitions to not It was at a cafe called Mambo down there for him not to be hired in the community because he killed a bunch of fucking people. 0.99

01:19:25.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:19:25.000 I mean, they weren't like killing people because they did something wrong to them. 0.97

01:19:28.000 They were just pulling you over, shooting you, and throwing you in the fucking river. 0.99

01:19:31.000 How did he get out of jail? 1.00

01:19:32.000 How's that possible?

01:19:33.000 He did that time.

01:19:34.000 Whoa. 0.93

01:19:35.000 That's silly. 0.97

01:19:36.000 That's silly. 1.00

01:19:37.000 That's a murderer. 0.98

01:19:38.000 They got arrested in 85, and they were walking the streets.

01:19:41.000 How many people did they kill, though? 1.00

01:19:42.000 They should be dead. 1.00

01:19:43.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:19:44.000 You got to look it up. 1.00

01:19:44.000 If you kill a bunch of people, you're dead. 1.00

01:19:46.000 You don't get out of jail. 1.00

01:19:47.000 That's ridiculous. 0.99

01:19:48.000 That's nonsense. 1.00

01:19:50.000 I'm liberal about a lot of shit. 1.00

01:19:51.000 I'm liberal about gay marriage, but about that, you can suck my dick. 1.00

01:19:54.000 That guy needs to be dumb. 1.00

01:19:55.000 Bro, the system has these fucking loopholes. 1.00

01:19:58.000 You know, in reality, let's say he did 14 fucking years. 0.99

01:20:02.000 It's like, that's what it is. 0.99

01:20:03.000 They give him a 30-year fucking sentence or a 20-year sentence. 0.99

01:20:05.000 They give you a 20-year sentence, you do 10. And then you go in front of the parole board and the parole board votes on you to get out on the street or none. 0.99

01:20:12.000 And a violent offense...

01:20:13.000 If that's true, why isn't Manson released? 0.99

01:20:15.000 Because who the fuck is going to release him? 0.99

01:20:18.000 This guy goes in front of the parole board and whacks off with a Nazi thing on his forehead. 1.00

01:20:22.000 Who's going to hire that fucking guy? 1.00

01:20:24.000 Who's going to hire him? 1.00

01:20:25.000 What social security benefit does he fucking have that guy? 0.55

01:20:29.000 Yeah, he was awesome. 0.92

01:20:31.000 What?

01:20:31.000 What are you going to do?

01:20:31.000 I am your Jesus.

01:20:33.000 You made me, man. 0.99

01:20:35.000 I lived off your garbage. 0.99

01:20:37.000 I lived in your streets, man. 0.99

01:20:40.000 He was a spooky dude.

01:20:41.000 See, that's the dude you hired to be a salesman. 1.00

01:20:43.000 He talked all those bitches into shooting people and cutting them open. 1.00

01:20:46.000 By the way, people don't even realize that. 1.00

01:20:47.000 He didn't kill anybody.

01:20:48.000 He might have killed one guy, but almost everybody in that whole organization was killed by that Tex Watson guy who went on to, yeah, and Squeaky Fromm, who tried to kill President Ford.

01:20:59.000 I had a dog named Squeaky Fromm who wound up killing one of my other dogs.

01:21:04.000 Oh yeah, Squeaky. 1.00

01:21:05.000 Yeah, that crazy bitch. 1.00

01:21:07.000 The last name of Squeaky. 1.00

01:21:08.000 Yeah. 0.90

01:21:09.000 Crazy dogs.

01:21:11.000 Yeah, that whole Manson thing was a trip because he didn't even really kill anybody, man. 0.99

01:21:15.000 Those other people killed people for him.

01:21:17.000 That Tex Watson guy.

01:21:18.000 And that Tex Watson guy became like a serious, born-again Christian while he's in the hole, you know? 0.98

01:21:23.000 It's probably the only way he can ever...

01:21:28.000 Rationalize his situation and where he's going. 0.87

01:21:30.000 I mean, what he did, murder those people. 0.96

01:21:32.000 They cut a baby out of a woman's body. 0.98

01:21:34.000 You know, that's what made, supposedly made Roman Polanski crazy.

01:21:38.000 That was his wife, or his girl. 0.80

01:21:41.000 I don't know if we were married.

01:21:42.000 I think it was his wife. 1.00

01:21:43.000 But she had his baby inside of her, and the fucking Manson Fenton came and cut her out. 1.00

01:21:49.000 I mean, it's really sick shit, man. 1.00

01:21:52.000 The whole thing is really sick. 1.00

01:21:54.000 I mean, they wrote shit on the walls and stuff. 1.00

01:21:58.000 It's a scary, dark proposition that some little crazy psychopath was able to talk these people into just committing horrible murders for him. 1.00

01:22:10.000 Some sick fuck figured out a way to control these people and get all these lost people together and just unleash them. 1.00

01:22:17.000 And they were a family. 1.00

01:22:19.000 What a crazy fucking thing that must have been, man. 1.00

01:22:23.000 Could you imagine? 1.00

01:22:24.000 First of all, Charles Manson could have never existed with Google. 1.00

01:22:27.000 That shit would have never worked. 1.00

01:22:28.000 Because he would have been talking crazy shit and girls would have been pulling out their phones going, wait a minute, that's not true. 1.00

01:22:33.000 This is how it's done. 1.00

01:22:35.000 The government's set up this way.

01:22:36.000 The Congress controls this.

01:22:38.000 But back then, he could say anything.

01:22:40.000 He was just a charismatic guy, and they were looking for guidance. 1.00

01:22:43.000 Next thing you know, Charlie Manson's the fucking daddy of the family. 1.00

01:22:47.000 What? 1.00

01:22:49.000 This weird, crazy little, wild ex-con is the leader of this group of fucking psychopaths. 1.00

01:22:56.000 They're running around cutting people up. 1.00

01:22:58.000 And that sort of symbolized for a lot of people what was wrong with the 60s.

01:23:02.000 That's what symbolized for a lot of people what was wrong with the drug culture and the hippies that there was amongst them.

01:23:10.000 They weren't all altruistic. 0.98

01:23:11.000 There's a lot of hippies that were just fucking crazy and drug use had to be stopped because some people just couldn't take it. 0.99

01:23:16.000 Look at the Manson family. 0.99

01:23:17.000 And that was like a good reason for justification. 1.00

01:23:21.000 That one group of fucking crazy assholes ruined it for a lot of people. 1.00

01:23:25.000 Doug, but you can't blame it all on drugs. 1.00

01:23:28.000 No, you can't.

01:23:29.000 It was a bunch of kids.

01:23:30.000 It's like we sit here every week and, you know, how do people get caught up in a cult?

01:23:35.000 How do people, you know...

01:23:36.000 They need love, man.

01:23:37.000 Same reason why they get caught up in gangs.

01:23:39.000 How does my friends' parents were in Mexico going to school, they're a white couple from Michigan, educated, good families, went to Mexico, got talked into moving to Pennsylvania and moving into a cult...

01:23:51.000 Then they started having kids with the cult leader. 1.00

01:23:53.000 The guy started fucking the wife. 1.00

01:23:56.000 What hold do you have in your soul when you're a DNA that you allow that into you? 1.00

01:24:02.000 And that's any cult, whether it's Jim Jones, whether it's a religious sector.

01:24:07.000 We're all looking for a hold to fill. 1.00

01:24:09.000 That was their fucking hold that they had to go kill fucking people at night because some guy sent them. 1.00

01:24:15.000 I mean, it's a bunch of people that were confused that ran into a fucking salesman. 1.00

01:24:19.000 When people run into a salesman, it's a bad fucking day for you. 1.00

01:24:23.000 They ran into a salesman. 1.00

01:24:25.000 Again, the guy might have killed one fucking person. 1.00

01:24:27.000 I ain't killing nobody unless Joe Rogan. 1.00

01:24:29.000 I see him stab somebody first. 0.99

01:24:31.000 Then give me the knife. 0.77

01:24:32.000 I'm stabbed because we're all going down here. 1.00

01:24:34.000 And you're going to send me to go ice some fucking guy because the Lord sent you. 0.99

01:24:37.000 You know, Dave Koresh. 0.99

01:24:39.000 These people fill a void, Joe Rogan.

01:24:41.000 It's not the drugs. 0.99

01:24:42.000 The drugs accelerates the fucking weakness to a point because they're confused now. 1.00

01:24:47.000 They're fucking confused. 0.99

01:24:49.000 You know, I was essentially in a cult. 1.00

01:24:51.000 When you're doing martial arts, it's a positive cult, but you get involved in something like Taekwondo.

01:24:58.000 One of the great things about it is it teaches you discipline and respect for your higher ranks.

01:25:03.000 All this stuff, but in reality, it's just weird.

01:25:07.000 I mean, it's all this really controlled environment where the master's there, and oh, Master Kim, and you have to bow to the master, and the younger students, they bow to you, and everyone's in line, and everything is, yes, sir, yes, sir.

01:25:22.000 I mean, it's all positive, and you learn a lot.

01:25:25.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:25:26.000 I mean, it greatly enhanced...

01:25:29.000 My life, martial arts, completely changed who I am. 0.98

01:25:32.000 But when you look at it, there's a lot of culty shit to it.

01:25:35.000 It's not like Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, the instructors, they get respect more just by rolling with people and explaining techniques and by their reputation. 0.97

01:25:44.000 They don't have to go in and, and everybody bow.

01:25:48.000 Everybody bows in class and lines up.

01:25:50.000 It's very militaristic.

01:25:52.000 We would bow to the flag and bow to the instructor and key eye.

01:25:57.000 Everything would be done with this intensity and focus.

01:26:04.000 What's that?

01:26:05.000 What do you want?

01:26:05.000 No, I just got to ask him something.

01:26:06.000 Keep talking.

01:26:07.000 I'm asking something, brother.

01:26:08.000 I'm going to interrupt you.

01:26:09.000 But it's very culty.

01:26:11.000 It's a good thing.

01:26:12.000 It was a great thing for me.

01:26:14.000 But it could be abused.

01:26:16.000 And I knew it was abused.

01:26:17.000 Not with my school.

01:26:18.000 But I saw it with other schools.

01:26:19.000 There was always scandals. 0.99

01:26:21.000 Like an instructor did something fucked up. 0.94

01:26:23.000 Or one guy in the karate. 0.90

01:26:25.000 What are you guys talking about? 1.00

01:26:27.000 A fucking charger. 1.00

01:26:28.000 This guy's got everything on him. 1.00

01:26:29.000 A charger for what?

01:26:29.000 What do you need?

01:26:29.000 A charger for my phone.

01:26:30.000 That's why I was playing with your wires, brother.

01:26:33.000 Oh, that's...

01:26:34.000 We're iPhone dorks.

01:26:35.000 No. 1.00

01:26:35.000 You guys got a thousand fucking wires. 1.00

01:26:37.000 You gotta go iPhone, son. 1.00

01:26:39.000 Way of resistance.

01:26:40.000 Brent's got the iPhone.

01:26:41.000 Who has trios anymore?

01:26:43.000 I like that.

01:26:45.000 You look at it, it's kind of culty at that age, you know what I'm saying?

01:26:48.000 It was a very positive cult.

01:26:50.000 But it's very positive.

01:26:51.000 But I was very lucky that the cult that I had, not only did they not take advantage of me and do anything negative to me, but in fact they enhanced me, they taught me a lot of discipline, and they gave me a job, and they gave me like instruction-free, like I trained at a place called the J... Jayhun Kim Taekwondo Institute in Boston, and it's one of the best experiences of my life.

01:27:11.000 When I say it's a cult, I in no way mean that anything negative happened to me because it was only positive, but we were in a really good school.

01:27:19.000 We were like one of the best schools in the country.

01:27:21.000 We saw, and everything was done the way it was supposed to be.

01:27:24.000 Everything was done With, like, real serious intent.

01:27:27.000 It was a top class Taekwondo school.

01:27:29.000 But there was a lot of other karate schools and Taekwondo schools that were in the martial arts community.

01:27:33.000 We watched, like, big scandals happen.

01:27:35.000 And a lot of it was because people would get into that position of power and they would start abusing them because everybody treated their sifu, their sensei, their whoever it was, they treated them like they were a god.

01:27:46.000 And there was a lot of, like, sex scandals would happen in martial arts schools.

01:27:50.000 It was, like, super common.

01:27:51.000 You know, one guy got in trouble, a really famous guy got in trouble for having sex with some 17-year-old girl. 0.64

01:27:56.000 It became like a big statutory rape thing.

01:27:59.000 It was like real common that people were completely enamored by their instructors.

01:28:03.000 It's one of the reasons why, in a lot of those arts, the instructors wanted to keep everyone down and scared.

01:28:08.000 They had to be almost invincible in your eyes.

01:28:10.000 Because otherwise, you're moving up the ladder, and are you the top black belt in the school?

01:28:14.000 Well, then the instructor is the only guy that's left that you're really not really sparring with.

01:28:17.000 You know, how do you think you'd do with him, man?

01:28:19.000 It doesn't really spar with anybody, man.

01:28:20.000 What is his timing like even?

01:28:22.000 Can I beat that guy?

01:28:23.000 And you start thinking those things.

01:28:24.000 You never think that way about your instructor in a proper school setting because the seniors and the upper ranks and your instructor, they become like a father figure.

01:28:35.000 They become like a king.

01:28:38.000 It becomes like it's very important to give in to their order.

01:28:44.000 You call them sir all the time.

01:28:46.000 It's very culty, but it's really good for you.

01:28:48.000 You know what this country does not remember, neither do you because you're a young man.

01:28:51.000 I'm an old man.

01:28:53.000 I was alive before Bruce Lee died.

01:28:56.000 I was alive.

01:28:57.000 I was dressing up like- When did he die?

01:28:59.000 What year did he die?

01:28:59.000 He died in 73. But I was part of that walking around with a kung fu suit on and going to Chinatown and burning incense in the house and eating rice with chopsticks.

01:29:08.000 And my mom was like, are you fucking serious? 1.00

01:29:10.000 Are you fucking crazy? 1.00

01:29:11.000 And I remember when he died. 1.00

01:29:13.000 The sad, like, people couldn't believe it. 0.99

01:29:14.000 It was like John Lennon fucking dying. 0.96

01:29:16.000 And what happened after that with martial arts? 0.99

01:29:19.000 You know, when I was a kid, I went to Laranjo's father, Rilanjo, whatever, and that was a school on 98th and West End.

01:29:26.000 That was the only school for miles, guy.

01:29:28.000 You're talking about Rassan?

01:29:29.000 Rassan, you know, and all of a sudden, martial arts blew up.

01:29:33.000 Like, karate schools in the 60s in this country were...

01:29:38.000 Then Five Fingers of Death came out, you know, the Chinese connection, Enter the Dragon, not way before, because he died right after the movie got released, but a year before the Enter the Dragon came out, you know, black guys were losing their mind, they were all walking around with kung fu suits, white guys, everybody had bruised elbows. 0.84

01:29:54.000 Because everybody had new chucks. 0.99

01:29:56.000 You either had bruises in the back of your fucking neck or... 1.00

01:29:59.000 Because, you know, you had to do... 0.99

01:30:00.000 When Corrado the Hong Kong cat came out, he had new chucks and he would put copper tubes at the end for plumbing. 0.98

01:30:07.000 And that's when people were really fucking starting to hurt themselves. 0.94

01:30:09.000 That was around 74. After Bruce Lee died, then everybody started taking out Bruce Lee. 0.99

01:30:13.000 Step aside, Bruce Lee, and make way for Corrado the Hong Kong cat. 1.00

01:30:17.000 All that shit started. 0.99

01:30:18.000 But I was here in this country and what happened? 1.00

01:30:21.000 So people thought it was a fucking savior. 0.99

01:30:23.000 Like, finally I can learn how to fight. 1.00

01:30:25.000 Finally I can learn confidence.

01:30:27.000 Let me tell you something.

01:30:27.000 It only becomes a cult when you walk out that door thinking you're invincible.

01:30:34.000 That's when it becomes a cult.

01:30:35.000 And you've seen it in those type one, those schools.

01:30:37.000 And I see it happen to the girls.

01:30:39.000 They get caught up.

01:30:40.000 Something bad happens.

01:30:41.000 They go in there. 1.00

01:30:41.000 And by the time they're a purple belt, they're like, I could actually take a fucking guy. 1.00

01:30:46.000 Oh, they get crazy. 1.00

01:30:47.000 No, you can't.

01:30:47.000 Yeah.

01:30:48.000 Well, there's a lot of women, I think, especially in jiu-jitsu, that purple belts probably could take on. 1.00

01:30:52.000 No, they could fucking take you. 0.99

01:30:53.000 I'm not saying that, but I'm just saying. 0.99

01:30:55.000 In jiu-jitsu.

01:30:55.000 It becomes a cult.

01:30:56.000 It becomes a cult when I go out there and go, you know what?

01:30:59.000 I'm going to go to a white castle at two in the morning. 1.00

01:31:01.000 I'm going to take out four motherfuckers. 1.00

01:31:03.000 Right. 1.00

01:31:03.000 That's when it becomes a cult. 1.00

01:31:05.000 I don't want you to ever think that.

01:31:06.000 You're experienced a little bit more than most people when striking and stuff like that.

01:31:10.000 But I never want you to think it's really a kung fu movie where you're going to go into a Steven Seagal.

01:31:14.000 People shoot people, man.

01:31:16.000 People stab people. 0.98

01:31:17.000 You get hit with a chair in the head. 0.98

01:31:18.000 Good night. 0.99

01:31:19.000 Oh, no more eyeball for you. 1.00

01:31:20.000 Reality's a motherfucker. 1.00

01:31:21.000 Reality's a motherfucker. 1.00

01:31:23.000 I'm not in the class, my boy. 1.00

01:31:24.000 By the way, everybody's doing that.

01:31:26.000 90% of those things happen because someone's trying to prove something. 0.99

01:31:29.000 And if you didn't, if you just, like, assess the situation, instead of thinking, oh, I'm going to prove this motherfucker, I'm going to show this motherfucker what's up, instead of doing that, just think smart. 0.99

01:31:38.000 Just get out of there. 0.99

01:31:40.000 If these were hyenas, would you stay?

01:31:42.000 No.

01:31:42.000 They're human hyenas.

01:31:43.000 Get out of there.

01:31:45.000 Whenever you're in a situation, if it can possibly be avoided that you don't fight, don't fight.

01:31:50.000 The last thing you want to do is open up that door to negativity.

01:31:53.000 You know, you beat someone physically.

01:31:54.000 First of all, they beat you.

01:31:56.000 It's horrific.

01:31:56.000 And you're at their mercy, by the way.

01:31:58.000 And that could happen.

01:31:59.000 And Mazzagotti ain't there.

01:32:00.000 So always remember, this ain't the UFC with Mazzagotti and Joe, whatever's going to come out.

01:32:06.000 Some people start kicking you, bro.

01:32:07.000 I've known a lot of dudes who thought they were absolutely invincible.

01:32:10.000 Oh my God.

01:32:10.000 They thought they were absolutely invincible.

01:32:12.000 They didn't stand up to anybody. 1.00

01:32:13.000 Nobody could talk shit to them. 1.00

01:32:14.000 And then they get the fuck beat out of them one night. 1.00

01:32:16.000 You know, you might fuck up. 0.99

01:32:18.000 And all of a sudden, you know, you get in a fight. 0.99

01:32:19.000 And you don't know that this kid is like a state champion wrestler. 1.00

01:32:22.000 And he picks you up the air and dumps you on your fucking head on the concrete. 1.00

01:32:25.000 And you're fucked up for a long time. 1.00

01:32:28.000 You're fucked up. 1.00

01:32:28.000 I mean, guys can die from that shit. 1.00

01:32:29.000 He can punch you. 1.00

01:32:30.000 I mean, who knows how merciful this guy is. 1.00

01:32:32.000 He might start punching your fucking face in while you're unconscious. 1.00

01:32:35.000 And you can't do shit. 1.00

01:32:36.000 Imagine that, waking up to multiple concussions and your nose exploding on your face. 1.00

01:32:40.000 And you're not even waking up.

01:32:41.000 You just use shocks of images. 1.00

01:32:43.000 Your body can't even move because this fucking gorilla is pounding your face into a pancake. 1.00

01:32:48.000 That's all really possible, man. 1.00

01:32:49.000 You know why I used to see that a lot? 1.00

01:32:50.000 It's stupid. 1.00

01:32:51.000 Fighting is stupid. 1.00

01:32:52.000 You know why I used to see a lot of people get knocked out of the Jersey Shore? 1.00

01:32:56.000 Oh, yeah.

01:32:57.000 The Jersey Shore.

01:32:58.000 I used to see some good fights with Greedos.

01:33:01.000 Jersey Shore is wild, man.

01:33:03.000 Before that TV show, I wonder what it's like now. 0.98

01:33:06.000 But when we used to go down there and do Bob Gonzo gigs, holy shit, that place was wild. 0.97

01:33:11.000 Jersey Shore is wild. 0.99

01:33:12.000 It's like a beach community of all savages. 0.98

01:33:15.000 It's like 90% savages. 0.82

01:33:18.000 Seaside, Seaside Park, Island Beach, Long Beach Island.

01:33:22.000 You have no idea, Brian. 0.99

01:33:24.000 It's a fucking blast. 0.99

01:33:25.000 But now, the beaches are packed, bumper to bumper. 0.99

01:33:28.000 You got people on top of you.

01:33:29.000 People put makeup on. 1.00

01:33:31.000 It's like everybody's fucking Kim Kardashian to go to the fucking beach. 1.00

01:33:35.000 Well, they don't understand. 1.00

01:33:36.000 They see a show like Jersey Shore and they are baffled.

01:33:38.000 They're baffled. 1.00

01:33:39.000 Like, how are these motherfuckers on TV and we're not? 1.00

01:33:41.000 What the fuck is going on? 1.00

01:33:42.000 We're more interesting guys. 0.99

01:33:44.000 So everybody's trying to find their angle in.

01:33:46.000 I mean, I don't blame them. 1.00

01:33:48.000 Shit, man. 1.00

01:33:49.000 If I lived there, I'd probably be trying to do the exact same thing. 1.00

01:33:52.000 Why not? 1.00

01:33:53.000 Shit. 1.00

01:33:53.000 You see these people, all of a sudden they're making millions of dollars and they're essentially doing the same shit you do. 1.00

01:33:58.000 And you gotta work all day. 0.99

01:33:59.000 That's preposterous.

01:34:00.000 You know, to them, it must be like mind-boggling.

01:34:03.000 Snooki must blow all... 0.99

01:34:04.000 There must be a lot of hot bitches in Jersey that would just attack Snooki if they ever saw her. 1.00

01:34:10.000 They, like, feel like that girl's stealing from them. 1.00

01:34:12.000 You know, like, how is this fucking girl? 1.00

01:34:14.000 She thinks she's hot? 1.00

01:34:14.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:34:15.000 She's fucking hot? 1.00

01:34:16.000 Now she's pregnant? 1.00

01:34:16.000 Who fucked her? 1.00

01:34:17.000 Who fucked her? 1.00

01:34:20.000 If they saw me, if the fucking producers had met me, for sure I'd be on that show. 1.00

01:34:23.000 For sure I'd be on that show. 1.00

01:34:24.000 That fucking, ah! 1.00

01:34:25.000 That angry Jersey fucking squawky girl. 1.00

01:34:28.000 That angry Italian girl type. 1.00

01:34:30.000 Is that the most unattractive?

01:34:32.000 It's a combination between the angry Italian girl from Boston and the angry Italian girl from Jersey. 1.00

01:34:37.000 That's very specific, squawky, sort of violence-threatening.

01:34:42.000 Ah! 0.99

01:34:45.000 And the peace of ass ain't even that good. 0.99

01:34:47.000 Not even that good. 0.98

01:34:48.000 There's a lot of complaining going on.

01:34:50.000 There's a lot of complaining.

01:34:51.000 Some girls, even when, you know, it gets to the point where actually having, you know, like, if you tried to get to a relationship with them, you start dating them, go out with them a few times, get closer, closer, closer, is this going to be, there's like, sometimes you got to wonder, is this going to be worth it?

01:35:06.000 Like, what's going on here?

01:35:07.000 Like, someone's, before you actually have sex with them, they're like holding it over you. 0.99

01:35:10.000 Like, it's this reward that one day will take place if you do exactly Those girls would scare the shit out of me. 1.00

01:35:19.000 Like, why are you so controlling, you crazy bitch? 1.00

01:35:21.000 Do we like each other or not? 1.00

01:35:23.000 Can you imagine this Jersey Shore if we had to live in the middle of that me, you, and Joey Diaz fucking in a two-bedroom apartment and we had to work at the nightclub that's next door, all three of us had to do it for a year. 0.85

01:35:36.000 Wow! 0.61

01:35:36.000 Would it be an experiment? 0.61

01:35:38.000 We would all fucking... 0.99

01:35:39.000 First old desk while he goes to Jersey Shore. 1.00

01:35:41.000 Those fucking kids down there. 1.00

01:35:43.000 We might be able to teach them shit. 1.00

01:35:45.000 Those kids on those Jersey Shore kids are fucking crazy. 1.00

01:35:48.000 I'd have seminars with those kids all day. 1.00

01:35:51.000 I'd teach them about eating weed.

01:35:54.000 For real.

01:35:54.000 Teach them about yoga.

01:35:56.000 Teach them about yoga.

01:35:58.000 Those guys eat.

01:35:59.000 Start jiu-jitsu classes.

01:36:01.000 I think you would start wearing bandanas.

01:36:02.000 They lift twice a week.

01:36:04.000 They lift twice a week?

01:36:05.000 And they just work on their biceps.

01:36:07.000 Bring them into the gym.

01:36:07.000 It's amazing, bro.

01:36:08.000 They're fucking nuts. 1.00

01:36:09.000 Give them some free jiu-jitsu lessons. 1.00

01:36:11.000 Show them some shit about how the country really works. 1.00

01:36:13.000 Get them to eat weed. 1.00

01:36:15.000 We can change them.

01:36:16.000 We can turn them around.

01:36:16.000 Have you ever worn a bandana on your head?

01:36:18.000 Like Bruce Springsteen?

01:36:20.000 Maybe we're about to...

01:36:22.000 I probably tried it once or twice.

01:36:23.000 I think I tried it once at the gym because a lot of dudes were wearing them at the gym.

01:36:27.000 Let's bring it back. 0.92

01:36:27.000 But it's really stupid because it just slides up because I'm expressive. 0.92

01:36:30.000 So I move my forehead a lot and it just slides up and then it falls off your head. 0.72

01:36:34.000 We should make a stretchy bandana that's comfortable.

01:36:37.000 I've always hated accessories for guys, though.

01:36:40.000 I like wallet chains. 0.99

01:36:42.000 People give me shit about having wallet chains. 1.00

01:36:43.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:36:44.000 That shit is functional. 1.00

01:36:46.000 I'm talking about like fucking people get dressed up to go to the gym or the beach and they get like the accessory and it's like, ah, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:36:53.000 If I see a hot chick in a hat and the ponytail is going through the thing, it's too planned. 1.00

01:36:57.000 Well, we're East Coast. 0.99

01:36:59.000 Anybody that tries too hard was always a douchebag. 1.00

01:37:01.000 Any guy that shows up at the beach with a fucking parrot on his shoulder. 1.00

01:37:04.000 What are you doing, asshole? 1.00

01:37:05.000 You know, who are you? 1.00

01:37:06.000 You know, guy's walking through the park with a snake.

01:37:09.000 Oh, this is my pet snake.

01:37:10.000 Whoa, can I touch it? 1.00

01:37:12.000 Who are you, you fucking weirdo? 1.00

01:37:13.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:37:14.000 Like when someone tried really hard to be eccentric, it's always like, get the fuck out of here with your cowboy hat. 1.00

01:37:20.000 You're from Pennsylvania, shit. 1.00

01:37:21.000 I can't stand when they put glasses on. 1.00

01:37:22.000 I'll tell you what my pet peeves are.

01:37:24.000 When somebody wears glasses to look different...

01:37:26.000 Yeah, how about glasses that aren't real?

01:37:28.000 Remember that?

01:37:28.000 That was a trend for a while.

01:37:30.000 They drive me crazy, and people that grow up, all of a sudden, now they play golf.

01:37:34.000 Come here.

01:37:35.000 You're from Jersey City. 1.00

01:37:36.000 How about I put my dick in your fucking nose? 1.00

01:37:38.000 You're from Jersey City. 1.00

01:37:39.000 You're going to go play fucking golf. 1.00

01:37:41.000 But golf is supposed to be fun. 1.00

01:37:42.000 What's wrong with that?

01:37:43.000 I just don't like it.

01:37:44.000 You are from where you're from. 0.79

01:37:46.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:37:46.000 Yeah, but I know people from everywhere play golf.

01:37:49.000 No, no, no, no.

01:37:50.000 Some people just do it just to be cool.

01:37:51.000 Oh, just to fit in?

01:37:53.000 Like, oh, I play golf.

01:37:53.000 It is a weird thing how there's a lot of people that do that.

01:37:56.000 I've had a lot of people ask me if I play golf because they want to have meetings with me on a golf course.

01:38:00.000 And I was like, wow, no.

01:38:03.000 Nope, none of that.

01:38:04.000 But you can't say, do you play pool?

01:38:06.000 Because no, not as many people play pool. 0.99

01:38:08.000 When you tell them no, they look at you like, fucking, you're not part of our club? 0.98

01:38:11.000 Yeah, I know, you don't want to be in the skull and bones golf society. 1.00

01:38:17.000 You don't want to play a hundred bucks to walk around and fucking 18? 1.00

01:38:20.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:38:21.000 Walk around the fucking park. 1.00

01:38:22.000 Get a pigeon. 1.00

01:38:23.000 I know a place that's a golf course, it's a country club, and it costs a quarter million dollars to join.

01:38:28.000 Just a quarter million dollars just to join.

01:38:30.000 And then you have to pay yearly dues. 1.00

01:38:32.000 But just to get in, you have to give them a quarter of a million dollars for the rights to use this stupid fucking... 1.00

01:38:38.000 That's for the Joneses. 1.00

01:38:39.000 ...chunk of land. 1.00

01:38:40.000 But think about how dumb that is. 1.00

01:38:42.000 How many members must these motherfuckers have? 1.00

01:38:44.000 We'll see you at the club on Sunday. 1.00

01:38:45.000 Ew. 1.00

01:38:46.000 So to keep anybody out that's not just stupid rich... 0.99

01:38:49.000 It's all just Maseratis and Ferraris and Porsches and it's a weird place to drive by because you're like, what a weird slice of the world right there. 0.99

01:38:58.000 That's like an Uber 1%. 0.99

01:39:00.000 But then they fuck themselves because Ludacris joins the club. 0.99

01:39:03.000 And that's when it's all over but the shot because they say they all get together and go, we don't know, charge them 200, no, raise the price to half a million. 1.00

01:39:11.000 That motherfucker shows up with three quarters of a million. 1.00

01:39:13.000 There was a crazy baseball player that actually just got kicked out of Lake Sherwood. 1.00

01:39:19.000 Some athlete, pro athlete, was living there.

01:39:21.000 And that's another place.

01:39:22.000 The Lake Sherwood Country Club is another one of those.

01:39:24.000 Let me find that.

01:39:25.000 It was Robin Hood.

01:39:27.000 What's up, B? What's up?

01:39:29.000 20 fucking charges. 1.00

01:39:30.000 You gotta go charge this for your Uncle Joey. 1.00

01:39:32.000 You have like some crazy phone. 1.00

01:39:34.000 You get some stupid kind of phone, man. 1.00

01:39:35.000 You gotta get yourself an iPhone. 1.00

01:39:37.000 It's a fucking Sprint 4G. Perfect for Uncle Joey. 0.99

01:39:39.000 I don't need a camera.

01:39:40.000 You don't even know what it is. 0.99

01:39:41.000 I don't want to fucking talk to nobody. 0.98

01:39:43.000 He's rocking that 4G. He's camping it out. 0.99

01:39:46.000 It's beautiful.

01:39:47.000 I think he's a baseball player.

01:39:48.000 Hold on a second.

01:39:50.000 Dykstra.

01:39:50.000 What is his?

01:39:51.000 Lenny Dykstra.

01:39:53.000 No, that's the guy who's going to jail, right?

01:39:55.000 Yeah.

01:39:55.000 What did he do?

01:39:56.000 He was like robbing cars or something like that? 0.99

01:39:58.000 What did he fucking do? 0.98

01:39:59.000 You know what happened to him, bro? 1.00

01:40:00.000 Mental illness.

01:40:01.000 Really? 1.00

01:40:01.000 I think he's crazy. 1.00

01:40:03.000 You see that 60 Minutes or the HBO thing? 1.00

01:40:05.000 He's fucking crazy. 0.99

01:40:06.000 And I met him, and he was a decent type of guy. 0.99

01:40:09.000 You know, I met him on the Best Dance Sports Show, and he was okay then.

01:40:11.000 He had the car wash.

01:40:13.000 He was making money.

01:40:13.000 It was Lenny Dykstra.

01:40:14.000 He was the one who was kicked out.

01:40:15.000 Oh, please.

01:40:16.000 Lenny Dykstra did a thousand and what.

01:40:17.000 Now his son's dating the chick from The Sopranos.

01:40:20.000 I've seen that today.

01:40:22.000 Really? 0.98

01:40:22.000 Yeah, he's crazy. 0.98

01:40:23.000 Bro, Lenny Dyson is crazy ass. 1.00

01:40:26.000 So, what did he do? 1.00

01:40:27.000 Like, what was his scam to try to steal cars?

01:40:29.000 You know what, bro?

01:40:30.000 What were they doing? 0.99

01:40:30.000 I don't fucking know the whole thing. 0.99

01:40:37.000 I just know that he went bad on a bunch of people with 60 Minutes, or it was an HBO thing on them, Real Sports, and he was hysterical. 0.98

01:40:46.000 He was like Gotti.

01:40:47.000 He was like, you know, so are you broke right now?

01:40:50.000 And he went in his pocket, 400. You look fucking broke. 0.99

01:40:53.000 But you owe millions. 1.00

01:40:54.000 Fuck him! 1.00

01:40:55.000 Fuck him! 1.00

01:40:56.000 I'm going to live my life. 1.00

01:40:57.000 And he was, you know, I mean, you can't do that.

01:40:59.000 So now they're going at him for everything.

01:41:01.000 And right now he's in a downward spiral.

01:41:03.000 Right.

01:41:04.000 So not only are they watching him, but on top of that, he's giving him something to do.

01:41:07.000 And now he's trying to rob from Peter to pay Paul, you know, just trying to do what anybody would do. 0.98

01:41:12.000 And that fucking thing, you're going to make mistakes, and he's going to be in worse shape than he was. 0.99

01:41:16.000 What did he do? 1.00

01:41:17.000 He rented a car and tried to sell it.

01:41:19.000 He did something crazy. 1.00

01:41:21.000 I don't know what the fuck he did. 1.00

01:41:23.000 I mean, it's just... 1.00

01:41:23.000 Was it a coke thing? 1.00

01:41:24.000 Is that what happens?

01:41:26.000 Is there drugs involved when guys start making such terrible decisions?

01:41:30.000 Desperation?

01:41:31.000 It's just crazy.

01:41:32.000 If you see the interview on HBO Real Sports, you'll go, there's something wrong there, guys. 0.99

01:41:37.000 Why would you give him a loan for a fucking two million dollars? 0.96

01:41:40.000 But this guy had a plane. 1.00

01:41:41.000 He was flying around. 1.00

01:41:42.000 He would go for Molly with the Calabasas in a plane, bitch. 1.00

01:41:45.000 Wow. 1.00

01:41:46.000 You know, I mean, this guy was crazy. 0.95

01:41:47.000 Butlers, and all of a sudden he lost that. 0.80

01:41:49.000 He was living in his house.

01:41:50.000 They took the furniture.

01:41:51.000 They took everything.

01:41:52.000 Wow. 1.00

01:41:53.000 But I do remember that when he went in his pocket and he had the fucking thing and he's like, I'm not broke, bitch. 1.00

01:41:57.000 Check this out. 0.99

01:41:58.000 You want your money?

01:41:59.000 Come get it.

01:42:03.000 Very Coke-heavy episode we got going on here.

01:42:05.000 So it is in the house.

01:42:06.000 Let me tell you something, man.

01:42:07.000 How dare you?

01:42:08.000 But you know what?

01:42:09.000 It's gotta be hard.

01:42:11.000 Like I hear Chris Tucker's been out.

01:42:13.000 You know that.

01:42:13.000 He's been what?

01:42:14.000 Out.

01:42:15.000 Every night.

01:42:15.000 He goes to the Ha Ha, the Improv, the Comedy Store.

01:42:17.000 Oh, really?

01:42:18.000 Every night.

01:42:19.000 That's good.

01:42:19.000 Eight guys doing comedy and he's up there talking.

01:42:23.000 Is he doing well? 0.99

01:42:23.000 He's doing well, but people are asking him, like, why are you motherfucking on stage? 0.99

01:42:27.000 He goes, because $20 million ain't shit. 0.99

01:42:31.000 He goes, at the end of the fucking week, he goes, I thought I had $200 million. 0.99

01:42:34.000 He's been telling the story lately on stage. 0.99

01:42:36.000 He goes, I'm broke! 1.00

01:42:37.000 It's called the government shit. 1.00

01:42:39.000 Once they come get theirs, a lot of these people, bro, spend and they don't realize that Uncle Sam's fucking watching. 1.00

01:42:45.000 You gotta give half that dough. 0.97

01:42:46.000 Those checks are coming in, but you don't know.

01:42:49.000 And when you're black, let's face it, when you're anything, Joe Rogan, your lost relatives start calling you.

01:42:54.000 This guy and that guy and... 0.86

01:42:58.000 The money goes fast, bro.

01:42:59.000 You know what's going on with Gallagher, right?

01:43:01.000 Gallagher's had a gang of heart attacks.

01:43:03.000 Right, right.

01:43:03.000 And he just decided he's retiring.

01:43:05.000 No more going on the road.

01:43:06.000 He's like, I'll give the banks the houses.

01:43:07.000 I can't pay for these houses.

01:43:09.000 Because he's doing like these little comedy clubs.

01:43:11.000 Just to stay alive.

01:43:12.000 But I would have thought that Gallagher would have been able to draw more than that.

01:43:15.000 That doesn't make sense to me.

01:43:16.000 That he has to do these tiny little clubs.

01:43:17.000 That was 20 years ago, bro.

01:43:19.000 Yeah, but I would think still just for the variety of it. 0.95

01:43:22.000 Look, it wasn't the best show in the world, but it was ridiculous.

01:43:26.000 It was a fun thing to do. 0.85

01:43:28.000 So people move on.

01:43:29.000 Shame on him for still taking it to that point, for just depending on the house payments, on little things.

01:43:36.000 A lot of people don't plan ahead.

01:43:38.000 Did you ever hear him on the Marc Maron show?

01:43:41.000 No.

01:43:41.000 I just heard it this week.

01:43:43.000 And I actually heard a clip of it off of YouTube.

01:43:46.000 I heard when he left. 0.98

01:43:48.000 And it's fucking remarkable. 0.99

01:43:50.000 It's really crazy. 0.99

01:43:51.000 A lot of people give Marc Maron a hard time.

01:43:53.000 For his interview style and for causing uncomfortable moments with people. 0.99

01:43:59.000 But this shit wasn't him at all. 1.00

01:44:01.000 This guy's crazy. 1.00

01:44:02.000 He's an asshole. 1.00

01:44:03.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:44:04.000 Dude, first of all, he was talking about comics saying what they should and shouldn't do.

01:44:09.000 That you shouldn't talk about yourself on stage.

01:44:11.000 Nobody wants to hear that.

01:44:13.000 And Maren was like, what are you talking about?

01:44:15.000 If you have something entertaining to say on stage, somehow that makes you less of a comic?

01:44:21.000 It was preposterous.

01:44:22.000 Your life is what makes you different. 1.00

01:44:24.000 He was saying shit like you can never work a state fair. 1.00

01:44:27.000 And Meryl was like, who the fuck wants to work at State Fair? 1.00

01:44:30.000 Like, what a weird thing to say. 0.99

01:44:32.000 But that's really what he was saying.

01:44:33.000 I mean, he was really saying that if you don't do your comedy for everybody, you'll never be able to work at State Fair.

01:44:40.000 You should do it the way I'm doing it.

01:44:41.000 And he's saying, so you're dismissing a great deal of really highly respected performers.

01:44:46.000 And Gallery's like, they're doing it wrong. 1.00

01:44:48.000 He's a dick. 1.00

01:44:49.000 He's crazy. 1.00

01:44:49.000 I saw him making fun of a guy with, I think we've talked about it, cerebral palsy or something. 1.00

01:44:54.000 I can't remember what he has. 0.95

01:44:56.000 I mean, he fucking can't walk right and stuff and he made fun of him. 0.98

01:44:59.000 I don't know what it is or why he's like that. 0.99

01:45:01.000 He was huge and his brother tried to rob him.

01:45:04.000 Well, he gave his brother his act. 0.99

01:45:05.000 I don't know the whole fucking thing. 0.99

01:45:07.000 He either sold it to him or something and his brother looked just like him, so it was an easy sell. 0.99

01:45:12.000 And then he decided to come back.

01:45:14.000 And when he decided to come back, then he wanted his brother to stop, and then it became like a real problem.

01:45:18.000 So then it was Gallagher and Gallagher 2. You know, like his brother was like, a lot of people thought they were going to see Gallagher.

01:45:23.000 I mean, he was essentially doing the same act, which is really kind of fucking creepy. 0.99

01:45:27.000 It's like some invasion of the body snatchers type shit. 0.99

01:45:30.000 All of a sudden, your brother's like taking over your life. 0.99

01:45:33.000 Your brother's on the road doing your jokes.

01:45:35.000 You know, he has access to all of your material from your 14 one-hour specials.

01:45:39.000 And I guess like they made some sort of a business deal, but...

01:45:42.000 After a while...

01:45:43.000 I even forgot what I was going to tell you. 1.00

01:45:48.000 That cookie's kicking in and shit. 1.00

01:45:50.000 The cookie? 1.00

01:45:51.000 I knew Joey did something because before the podcast even started, he's the one who put the joint away the quickest.

01:45:57.000 No, I ate a little piece of a bang chocolate.

01:46:00.000 Those bang chocolate triple strength, the hash.

01:46:01.000 Yeah, your eyelids look like they're sandbags right now. 0.99

01:46:05.000 Oh yeah, I'm pretty fucked up, you know what I'm saying? 0.99

01:46:07.000 You know, I... It must be amazing. 0.99

01:46:10.000 I heard you say something to somebody at the store one time and it made sense.

01:46:16.000 The guy from Oakland, the big guy that had the show about the school teacher.

01:46:20.000 Big guy, school teacher.

01:46:21.000 He had the show hanging out with Mr. Cooper.

01:46:23.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:46:24.000 You and him were having a conversation one day.

01:46:26.000 Oh, my God.

01:46:27.000 Mark Curry.

01:46:28.000 Mark Curry said something.

01:46:29.000 Awesome dude, by the way. 0.99

01:46:29.000 He said to you, motherfuckers don't know that you don't buy nothing until the fourth season. 0.99

01:46:34.000 Yeah, he did say that. 0.99

01:46:36.000 Somebody said you don't buy something to the fourth season.

01:46:39.000 And what happens here, you make a little bit of scratch, man, and it goes.

01:46:43.000 You know, Joe, even if you're financially, your house is paid for, that house exists.

01:46:49.000 You still got to pay for that.

01:46:50.000 You have to pay insurance.

01:46:51.000 Property taxes are still big.

01:46:53.000 You have to make money. 0.99

01:46:54.000 A $3 million house, you still got to make money to pay those fucking taxes. 0.99

01:46:57.000 And you know what? 0.99

01:46:58.000 The road ain't cutting it.

01:46:59.000 And you know, Joe, you ever watch VH1? Like, where are they now?

01:47:02.000 You ever get stuck?

01:47:02.000 You're smoking dope in the afternoon, and they show, like, cherry pie.

01:47:06.000 Right.

01:47:07.000 He's mine.

01:47:07.000 You know, he just died.

01:47:08.000 Right.

01:47:08.000 He died out here.

01:47:09.000 At the hotel.

01:47:10.000 Not out here.

01:47:11.000 He was in, I think he was in West Hills or Woodland Hills?

01:47:14.000 Right around here.

01:47:15.000 Yeah, like one of those weird hotels that are, like, right off of the 101, man.

01:47:19.000 I'm just giving you an example.

01:47:20.000 He's 10 miles away from here.

01:47:21.000 He's a great one.

01:47:22.000 They'll show like one of those bands, like 867-5309.

01:47:26.000 Let's just take them.

01:47:27.000 Who knows what happened to them.

01:47:28.000 But they'll always go to the singer, and the singer now has a successful clothing line for children.

01:47:35.000 That's one thing comics have never prepared for. 0.99

01:47:38.000 You really think your fucking actor's going to work in 20 years? 0.98

01:47:41.000 Do you really in 20 years from today want to go out there talking about DMT? I mean, I do. 0.99

01:47:46.000 I stopped talking about DMT after the first six months of Q&As.

01:47:51.000 You have to be prepared.

01:47:53.000 You have to evolve in this sport.

01:47:55.000 Yeah, well, you have to still be relevant because you have to still be doing what you want to be doing.

01:47:59.000 You know, that's what's really important.

01:48:01.000 And if you are, in 20 years from now, you're still in love with stand-up.

01:48:04.000 I don't suspect I won't be, man.

01:48:05.000 No, I'm still in love with stand-up.

01:48:07.000 I love stand-up as much now as I did when I first started.

01:48:11.000 If you go to Gallagher, Gallagher, did you ever think about doing a podcast?

01:48:14.000 He'd say no to you.

01:48:15.000 Because his thinking isn't like that.

01:48:17.000 Well, everybody's stand-up, you know, there's some people that they're not like a podcast sort of a guy.

01:48:23.000 I'm not talking about that.

01:48:24.000 I'm talking about evolution. 0.99

01:48:26.000 A lot of these guys in the 90s came in and were giving shit to them at the comedy store. 0.98

01:48:30.000 There's rumors about the people get off stage at the comedy store and there'd be club fucking owners right there going, hey, what are you doing February 13th? 0.99

01:48:37.000 Here's a plane ticket. 0.85

01:48:38.000 See you then.

01:48:39.000 It's a different patois. 0.97

01:48:40.000 Even if you see a comic from the 90s, his style's a little fucking different guy. 0.97

01:48:45.000 Right. 0.93

01:48:45.000 Okay? 0.93

01:48:45.000 You see it. 0.93

01:48:46.000 And you can't, you know, so now you have to evolve.

01:48:49.000 You know what?

01:48:50.000 I can still do my comedy.

01:48:51.000 There's still people that want to see me.

01:48:53.000 But I'll evolve.

01:48:54.000 I'll do a podcast.

01:48:55.000 I'll get a webpage.

01:48:56.000 I'll draw a blog.

01:48:58.000 I'll do all these things.

01:48:59.000 It's very important. 1.00

01:49:00.000 To keep the fucking people that I have. 0.99

01:49:02.000 These guys you go to with an idea that is going to enhance them. 1.00

01:49:05.000 They're going to go, nah!

01:49:07.000 I'll just get my people on the road.

01:49:09.000 Fine then.

01:49:10.000 Everybody's on Twitter.

01:49:11.000 We had the discussion before the thing.

01:49:13.000 One day I find out I'm going to Miami Improv and I put it on there. 0.99

01:49:16.000 I call fucking the ladies. 1.00

01:49:17.000 Like, I don't know what I got for radio. 1.00

01:49:19.000 I call Bert Kreischer.

01:49:21.000 Bert said to go on Ron and Paul.

01:49:23.000 I just put on Twitter.

01:49:24.000 So you're talking about to promote the show?

01:49:25.000 To promote the show.

01:49:26.000 I'm not talking about these shows.

01:49:28.000 I'm talking about any show.

01:49:29.000 I put on Twitter, hey, any suggestions of radio stations in Florida I'd like to go on?

01:49:33.000 Within three days, I had 20 people contacting me. 0.98

01:49:36.000 So if you're a comedian, you're not fucking around with Twitter. 1.00

01:49:39.000 You're crazy. 1.00

01:49:39.000 Any businessman. 1.00

01:49:41.000 Anything. 0.99

01:49:41.000 If you're trying to market a product that you have and you're not on Twitter or on a computer and tweeting with people and communicating and putting your videos up and giving away stuff, then you're in a different fucking planet. 0.99

01:49:52.000 Hey, 2012. If you're a comedian, you can be the funniest guy in the world. 0.94

01:49:57.000 Yeah, I agree with you.

01:49:58.000 This is a big part of entertainment today. 0.98

01:50:00.000 I pay for 500 fucking channels a month and so do you. 0.99

01:50:04.000 620 when you add fuel and all those communist fucking channels up there. 1.00

01:50:08.000 I pay for 600 channels a month. 0.99

01:50:10.000 But I'm still on my computer 50 to 60% of my fucking day. 0.99

01:50:14.000 70% of my day. 0.99

01:50:15.000 I watch a few shows.

01:50:16.000 The Walking Dead.

01:50:17.000 The Killing. 0.99

01:50:18.000 But let's fucking face it. 0.99

01:50:19.000 You might catch a documentary and what do you think? 0.99

01:50:21.000 I'm the only guy?

01:50:22.000 I don't even like the computer. 0.99

01:50:23.000 There's people who live on fucking there. 0.96

01:50:25.000 So if you're not working on there today, I'm not talking about five years ago, 10th day. 0.98

01:50:30.000 Right.

01:50:30.000 And I learned that from, and I tell you all the time, from Irvine last summer, no radio, he still sold the place out.

01:50:36.000 1,600 seats.

01:50:37.000 It seats 320 times five shows.

01:50:39.000 Yeah, we stopped doing, well, we still do our friends when we do local radio shows.

01:50:44.000 You know, if it's like, it's the guys that, you know, I've done their show before and I look forward to doing it, like Dale Dudley in Austin.

01:50:50.000 But we don't have to do anything anymore.

01:50:52.000 That's the crazy thing.

01:50:53.000 It's all our fans now.

01:50:54.000 I don't even like that word.

01:50:56.000 It's all our people now. 0.99

01:50:59.000 Everyone knows exactly what the fuck is up when they get there. 0.98

01:51:02.000 It's a completely different crowd. 0.98

01:51:03.000 Last year on Christmas, how much did sales go up online?

01:51:07.000 38%. 0.99

01:51:09.000 In two years, you're not going to leave the house to buy a dick. 0.99

01:51:12.000 There's no reason to leave the house. 1.00

01:51:13.000 Amazon, I fucking suck that. 1.00

01:51:15.000 I want to suck Mr. Amazon's dick. 1.00

01:51:17.000 Because he's genius. 1.00

01:51:19.000 Listen, bro.

01:51:19.000 Yeah, one click.

01:51:20.000 One click.

01:51:21.000 And you can do it on your phone.

01:51:23.000 Dude, I just got the Doce book. 0.98

01:51:24.000 Two days fucking later, I got it on whatever. 0.99

01:51:26.000 I order coconut water. 1.00

01:51:27.000 I order fucking weed papers. 1.00

01:51:29.000 You can order everything off of fucking that Amazon nut. 1.00

01:51:32.000 By the way, at Amazon, you can get it on a book reader app and you can watch it and read it on your phone. 0.98

01:51:37.000 You can buy a lot of different guys' books as a download and read it on a book reader on your phone.

01:51:43.000 So you'd have it on you all the time.

01:51:45.000 I mean, the amount of storage that your phone has is incredible.

01:51:48.000 I have that little Amazon app on my iPhone. 0.83

01:51:52.000 I have fucking, I don't know, 20, 30 books on my iPhone.

01:51:54.000 So you use the Amazon app before you use Apple's iBooks? 0.93

01:51:59.000 No, I use that too.

01:52:00.000 But I use both of them.

01:52:01.000 They're both great.

01:52:02.000 The iBooks is awesome too.

01:52:04.000 The iBooks I like, I really love for the iPad. 1.00

01:52:06.000 It's the shit. 0.99

01:52:07.000 I love the turning of the pages. 1.00

01:52:09.000 Have you seen the new one?

01:52:09.000 The graphic.

01:52:10.000 Have you looked at a new one yet?

01:52:12.000 No, I haven't seen one.

01:52:13.000 It's really hard to tell, but yeah, you can kind of see a little bit more depth, but it's not a huge difference.

01:52:18.000 Yeah, to me, what it is, is the iPad's something that's, like, when you're sitting on the couch and you're fucking bored, you know, you just fuck around and see what's going on in your email, see what's going on in the message board.

01:52:28.000 I don't, it's a temporary thing. 0.77

01:52:30.000 It's like, I gotta leave in 20 minutes, let me pick up my iPad.

01:52:32.000 I like it for games.

01:52:33.000 I think it's way better than any. 0.98

01:52:35.000 Oh yeah, for moving and shit? 0.96

01:52:36.000 Yeah, that's incredible. 0.98

01:52:37.000 The gyroscope in it.

01:52:38.000 Yeah, for kids.

01:52:40.000 Can I write on there, cuz?

01:52:41.000 Write on it?

01:52:42.000 Yeah, you could.

01:52:42.000 You could write in Notepad.

01:52:45.000 What about, can I go online?

01:52:46.000 That's where I put all my ideas.

01:52:48.000 So you gotta hook me up on an iPad, Brian?

01:52:50.000 Yeah, sure, I'll give you one.

01:52:51.000 The Notepad?

01:52:51.000 I don't want one.

01:52:52.000 I want you to give me one.

01:52:52.000 I want you to take me to Apple and tell me what to buy and what programs.

01:52:55.000 I'll sell you my iPad, too.

01:52:57.000 Well, whatever you want.

01:52:57.000 Why don't you teach me?

01:52:58.000 I gotta take something off the road.

01:53:00.000 $400. 1.00

01:53:01.000 What the fuck are you eating over there? 1.00

01:53:02.000 What are your fucking mints from American Airlines? 1.00

01:53:04.000 I gotta hide these things from you. 1.00

01:53:05.000 No, bro, you put everything here.

01:53:07.000 I gotta take something.

01:53:07.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:53:08.000 I know, but just eat it and then talk.

01:53:10.000 I'm over here thinking whether I took my fish capsules today.

01:53:13.000 I did.

01:53:14.000 You got the Ultraman.

01:53:15.000 You got everything here, brother.

01:53:17.000 I ain't managing.

01:53:18.000 You got everything over here.

01:53:20.000 I was going to be on Opie and Anthony last night.

01:53:23.000 I was on the line, but then I got too tired.

01:53:26.000 I just hung up. 0.94

01:53:27.000 Me and Anthony were both up for that Shorty Award bullshit for a web show. 0.99

01:53:31.000 I told you that was nonsense. 0.99

01:53:32.000 Let me pee.

01:53:33.000 Tell the story to Joey.

01:53:34.000 Me and Jim Norton was also up, I think, for a Now explain to me what a Shorty Award is and how you get nominated.

01:53:40.000 Shorty Award.

01:53:41.000 This is something I found out during all this.

01:53:43.000 Shorty Award is like you get nominated by people and then you...

01:53:47.000 The top five...

01:53:50.000 There's all these categories.

01:53:51.000 Like you're best comedian, best web show.

01:53:53.000 There's a lot of categories.

01:53:55.000 And so if people start voting for you, then the top seven people, I think, get nominated for that category.

01:54:06.000 So out of like...

01:54:07.000 Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people.

01:54:08.000 I was in the top seven.

01:54:10.000 I was number three, I think.

01:54:12.000 And so was Anthony from Opie and Anthony and some wrestler named Zack Ryder or something like that. 0.99

01:54:17.000 And so the top seven are up for this nominee and then Everyone started telling me, like, hey, you know, that shit's just a scam. 0.93

01:54:28.000 What they do is they get everyone to vote for you on Twitter. 0.97

01:54:32.000 And then, so all these people are trying to win.

01:54:36.000 Like, Anthony's tweeting.

01:54:37.000 I'm tweeting.

01:54:38.000 Hey, please vote for me.

01:54:39.000 All these people are tweeting.

01:54:40.000 So it just thinks everyone...

01:54:43.000 It just advertises the Shorty Awards.

01:54:45.000 And then, so everybody then...

01:54:48.000 Who wins the Shorty Awards?

01:54:51.000 It's very suspect who wins.

01:54:53.000 It's almost like the Shorty Awards is this big scam to promote certain things.

01:54:58.000 Do you feel that it's a scam because you lost?

01:55:01.000 No, I heard this before it ended.

01:55:05.000 Then I stopped promoting the Shorty Awards near the end because people were telling me all about it.

01:55:12.000 When I watched it, Jim Norton wasn't We was up for Best Community.

01:55:16.000 I don't know who won that.

01:55:17.000 Anthony was who I thought should have won.

01:55:20.000 But then this miscellaneous girl that everyone's telling me is the worst show ever. 0.99

01:55:25.000 She had one-eighth of the vote that Anthony had, or one-tenth of the vote even.

01:55:30.000 I try not to generalize about things too much, but in general...

01:55:33.000 All the categories, we're like this. 1.00

01:55:35.000 I think award shows are fucking stupid. 1.00

01:55:37.000 Why would you care? 1.00

01:55:38.000 That's what I feel like.

01:55:39.000 Here's the only reason why I even question it more is because after you get nominated, they have the ceremony in New York, and then they immediately sent me an email for like, for the $400 package, you get to come in and meet with other people and stuff like that.

01:55:54.000 What?

01:55:55.000 Oh, so they're selling you a vacation package?

01:55:57.000 They're selling you like really expensive tickets even if you're nominated for awards.

01:56:02.000 So you can't go to the award unless you pay to go to the award or something like that.

01:56:07.000 So wait a minute.

01:56:08.000 So they're offering you to buy tickets to go to an award show where you're nominated.

01:56:12.000 Yes. 0.98

01:56:13.000 That is ridiculous. 0.96

01:56:15.000 So it's a big money-making venture. 0.97

01:56:17.000 It's a big money-making venture.

01:56:18.000 And I would say, this is just my opinion, I would say that the people that won that, there's a reason why they all won it.

01:56:25.000 There's a reason why they all won it. 0.99

01:56:26.000 You think it's all horseshit. 0.99

01:56:27.000 I think it's all horseshit. 0.99

01:56:28.000 How can they get away with that? 0.99

01:56:29.000 I don't know.

01:56:30.000 How can they get away with that?

01:56:31.000 Because once in a while, they give it to somebody legit, like Conan O'Brien or something like that, just so they can have a photo of him holding it, and then it's like, it's a money-making thing.

01:56:38.000 You don't think that they have to, like, quantify, like, calculate what their numbers are? 0.98

01:56:41.000 Look at that invisible children shit that's going on right now. 0.97

01:56:44.000 That guy said he was going to keep, what, 90% of the donation or something like that? 0.99

01:56:48.000 Yeah, isn't that amazing?

01:56:48.000 Yeah, it's a funny...

01:56:49.000 People are trying to find ways to make money.

01:56:52.000 They got him on video.

01:56:53.000 One of the guys on video.

01:56:54.000 Of course. 1.00

01:56:54.000 I caught that shit before the naked incident. 1.00

01:56:57.000 I will give you money directly. 0.99

01:56:58.000 How is that legal?

01:56:59.000 I will give you money directly if you need it.

01:57:02.000 And it breaks my heart when you see a hurricane and you see an earthquake and you want to send 50 bucks or 100. But in the back of my mind, I say, why?

01:57:10.000 Because I've worked for those organizations where you sign up with the cops, for example.

01:57:15.000 You call people and go, Joe Rogan, how you doing, Joe Diaz?

01:57:19.000 PB92 here, we'll call them because the cops want to get bulletproof things.

01:57:22.000 If you sign up with us for advertising in our book, we will give you a sticker, and that goes in the back of your car. 0.86

01:57:29.000 When you get pulled over for a ticket, you tell the cop you donated, and he'll leniency and all this bullshit.

01:57:35.000 So let's say you donate $500.

01:57:36.000 How much do you actually think goes to that donation?

01:57:39.000 That's a good question.

01:57:41.000 30%.

01:57:41.000 30-something percent, okay?

01:57:44.000 So basically, you're $500, and that's even if it goes.

01:57:48.000 That's even if it goes. 0.98

01:57:50.000 Every fucking earthquake, every catastrophe, there's always donations. 0.99

01:57:54.000 And two years later, what do you read? 0.99

01:57:56.000 Somebody clipped a donation. 1.00

01:57:58.000 Even your Wycliffe gene with the fucking Haiti. 1.00

01:58:00.000 A million dollars is a lot of fucking money when people give it to you. 1.00

01:58:03.000 And I'm not saying he stole it. 0.99

01:58:04.000 I'm not no judge.

01:58:05.000 But I'm just saying, you know, you have all that money.

01:58:07.000 What was he being accused of?

01:58:09.000 Why Clef John? 1.00

01:58:10.000 Fucking Clippin! 1.00

01:58:11.000 His fucking organization for Haiti. 1.00

01:58:13.000 The Haiti Foundation. 1.00

01:58:14.000 That's just money laundering, pretty much, right?

01:58:16.000 I don't really know.

01:58:17.000 That's how you, if you've got tons of money...

01:58:18.000 Well, I don't think so.

01:58:20.000 I think, you know what I think?

01:58:21.000 I think people, they start out with ideas of doing something that helps, but they also want to get paid.

01:58:26.000 And it's a difficult job, and they feel like they should get paid along with helping.

01:58:29.000 So a certain percentage of the money...

01:58:31.000 It has to go towards the staff.

01:58:33.000 And that's just how they feel and it becomes a business.

01:58:35.000 Nothing wrong with being paid to do charitable work.

01:58:39.000 I understand.

01:58:40.000 But if you said to me you were going to Haiti and I gave you a hundred bucks and you said to me, Joey, I'm going to take all the money I get and I'm going to pay for a plane ticket and whatever out of this money.

01:58:49.000 I understand that.

01:58:51.000 That's what I understand.

01:58:52.000 I don't understand when I'm giving you a hundred bucks and you got to take Brian with you and put it for the lights at your office Right.

01:58:59.000 And write your car off on it.

01:59:01.000 Well, they have to have some sort of infrastructure, though, no? 0.99

01:59:03.000 But 30% of what I've fucking given you... 0.92

01:59:05.000 Yeah, that seems too much, but I have a feeling... 0.98

01:59:07.000 33%? 0.81

01:59:07.000 Every business is fucking really expensive to run, man. 0.81

01:59:10.000 You know, it's expensive to buy plane tickets. 0.97

01:59:12.000 It's expensive to ship things. 0.84

01:59:13.000 It's expensive to keep the lights on, keep the heat on, keep the air conditioning on, keep people getting checks every fucking week, steady checks every week. 0.81

01:59:21.000 You gotta keep money coming in every week in order to just pay these people to... 0.96

01:59:25.000 Stay inside the organization.

01:59:26.000 It's a constant money-eating machine.

01:59:28.000 And I think a lot of people aren't aware of that when you think about any charitable organization.

01:59:33.000 Everything costs money.

01:59:35.000 The world costs money.

01:59:36.000 So it's hard for these people to figure out a way to do it and balance it right. 0.99

01:59:41.000 That said, you get something like the Coney situation, and you get some fucking... 1.00

01:59:46.000 Crazy assholes. 1.00

01:59:47.000 That's what you got there. 1.00

01:59:49.000 That guy who went crazy in San Diego, could he have put more gay flair into what he was doing when he was running around throwing his arms through the air? 0.99

01:59:59.000 That guy clearly has some sort of a weird fucking nutty suppression. 1.00

02:00:03.000 He went nuts. 1.00

02:00:04.000 He pulled off this scam, made some stupid amount of money, probably looked at his PayPal account, Did some meth and just ran outside and said, I gotta be me! 1.00

02:00:14.000 And I thought that this was it. 1.00

02:00:15.000 He was just going to run naked through the streets of San Diego and beat off in front of fucking passing by cars. 0.99

02:00:20.000 To be fair, he was running with invisible children. 0.99

02:00:22.000 We just couldn't see him.

02:00:23.000 Oh, they were all invisible. 0.98

02:00:25.000 Yeah, that's a fucking fascinating situation, man. 0.98

02:00:29.000 That guy made a lot of money really quickly. 0.94

02:00:31.000 Yeah, if you're going to have a charity, you might as well call it something like Invisible Children, too.

02:00:34.000 So in the courtroom, you could always use a defense.

02:00:36.000 It was called Invisible Children, seriously.

02:00:39.000 Did no one figure that out?

02:00:40.000 I wonder how this is going to play out.

02:00:42.000 Because it's obvious now that everybody's been hustled, right? 0.99

02:00:45.000 Now it's pretty obvious that the guy's crazy.

02:00:47.000 The other guy seems to have said something really dubious.

02:00:50.000 PayPal, if you have donated to this guy, PayPal lets you reverse it for up to, I think, three months.

02:00:58.000 So it's even longer than a Visa card.

02:01:01.000 So was, hmm, I wonder who paid in which way?

02:01:05.000 I think most people probably use PayPal.

02:01:07.000 Everyone uses PayPal.

02:01:08.000 But ladies and gentlemen, I don't want to advise you what to do, but I think you know what to do.

02:01:11.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:01:12.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 1.00

02:01:14.000 Don't let that go. 1.00

02:01:15.000 Tell you something, this Cody situation is very unique and stuff.

02:01:17.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:01:18.000 I'll tell you what's starting to scare the shit out of Uncle Joey, guys, is the Trevor fucking situation in Florida. 0.99

02:01:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:01:24.000 That's not going to end good.

02:01:25.000 That's not going to end good.

02:01:27.000 That's the beginning.

02:01:27.000 There's wheels going in this country right now.

02:01:30.000 There's wheels going.

02:01:31.000 And you can tell me that the kid smoked pot or he got suspended from school. 0.99

02:01:33.000 Yeah, that doesn't mean shit. 1.00

02:01:34.000 Once the dude said that you stopped following the fucking kid, and you know what? 0.99

02:01:38.000 They're going to have to arrest this guy or somebody. 0.99

02:01:40.000 It's going to get ugly. 1.00

02:01:40.000 You're down in Florida, dog, where those brothers are fucking crazy. 1.00

02:01:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:01:45.000 And that heat and all that Mogambo juice and shit, you know, it's going to be bad. 0.99

02:01:49.000 And they're having rallies all over the country. 0.99

02:01:51.000 The whole thing is so scary.

02:01:52.000 It's very scary, gentlemen. 1.00

02:01:55.000 Strap a fucking pair on it. 1.00

02:01:56.000 They don't arrest this motherfucker within the next week or do something. 1.00

02:01:59.000 They got to do something. 1.00

02:02:00.000 Yeah.

02:02:00.000 And you know what?

02:02:00.000 That guy had tried to be a cop.

02:02:03.000 No shit. 0.99

02:02:04.000 And had been rejected. 1.00

02:02:04.000 No shit. 1.00

02:02:05.000 This is an easy story to figure out. 1.00

02:02:07.000 Not only that, he had a string of ridiculous 911 calls. 1.00

02:02:11.000 Yeah, stand my guard, fucking Lord. 1.00

02:02:12.000 He called 911 for a nine-year-old kid. 1.00

02:02:15.000 There was a nine-year-old kid in his neighborhood and he called 911 for him. 1.00

02:02:18.000 You better fucking prepare for that one because if that shit don't strap on, I'd give it another ten days before something starts. 1.00

02:02:25.000 Something has to start. 1.00

02:02:26.000 We're going there, man.

02:02:28.000 It has to.

02:02:29.000 It's going to be like fucking fight the power and do the right thing at the end when the fucking brothers went crazy in Bed-Stuy. 1.00

02:02:35.000 And it's going to be fucking... 0.99

02:02:37.000 You know what? 0.99

02:02:37.000 I can't blame them. 0.99

02:02:38.000 What part of Florida is this all going down in?

02:02:41.000 Stanford?

02:02:43.000 Something like that.

02:02:44.000 Close to Miami, I think.

02:02:45.000 I don't know exactly the point.

02:02:46.000 We're going to Hollywood.

02:02:47.000 I'm going to be with Duncan Trussell at the improv.

02:02:49.000 Hey, everybody!

02:02:50.000 April 13th, 14th, and 15th.

02:02:52.000 The improv in Fort Lauderdale.

02:02:54.000 I've just been watching this thing escalate.

02:02:56.000 Or not.

02:02:57.000 I'm watching this thing escalate.

02:02:59.000 See exactly where it is.

02:03:00.000 See exactly where it is, little brother.

02:03:01.000 Yeah, it's kind of interesting.

02:03:03.000 You know, look... 0.99

02:03:05.000 It's fucked up, man. 1.00

02:03:07.000 There's no bringing a kid back. 1.00

02:03:10.000 It's fucked up, period. 0.99

02:03:11.000 Even if the kid did something, even if the kid was a punk, even if the kid was... 1.00

02:03:16.000 I mean, there's no bringing a kid back.

02:03:18.000 Really, the most disturbing thing to me always is lost potential.

02:03:23.000 You know, and any person who's been a punk at 15 and 16, you know, deserves a chance to learn from their mistakes.

02:03:30.000 Every kid does.

02:03:32.000 I mean, outside of horrible sociopathic crimes and murders and things along those lines, every kid, you know, everybody makes mistakes, especially people without poor guidance or in a bad environment.

02:03:43.000 So, you know, regardless of what happened that day, I feel terrible because this, you know, this A potential is gone.

02:03:52.000 That's how you gotta look at a kid.

02:03:53.000 A kid is potential.

02:03:55.000 I know so many people.

02:03:57.000 Look at you.

02:03:58.000 I know so many people that at one point in their life were not good people. 1.00

02:04:02.000 They were fucked up. 0.99

02:04:03.000 They were in a bad place. 0.99

02:04:04.000 But they turned around and became some of my favorite people.

02:04:07.000 You're a perfect example. 0.99

02:04:08.000 I mean, you always tell these stories about kidnapping a dude and fucking tying him up with a machine gun. 0.95

02:04:14.000 But you're one of my favorite people. 0.95

02:04:16.000 Yeah, but you're one of my favorite people on the planet.

02:04:18.000 You know, you come over and play with my kids.

02:04:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:04:22.000 It's like people don't realize that people absolutely can change.

02:04:29.000 It is very possible.

02:04:30.000 So when you see a young kid dying, even if the kid was doing something bad...

02:04:34.000 There's criminals and there's confusion.

02:04:38.000 There's criminals and there's confusion. 1.00

02:04:40.000 Kids don't know what the fuck they want to do. 0.99

02:04:43.000 I was lost. 0.99

02:04:44.000 I thought that's what I wanted to do, and once I did it, I seen the reality of it, and I never did it again.

02:04:49.000 And for some people, they take the lesson, they run with it, and for some other people, they fucking keep doing what they were doing because they don't really want to go anywhere.

02:04:56.000 They don't really want to go anywhere.

02:04:58.000 Even in my darkest moments, I always just wanted a little bit of light so I could shine just to go forward.

02:05:03.000 That's all I was ever looking for.

02:05:04.000 That sounds like a Hallmark card.

02:05:05.000 That's beautiful. 1.00

02:05:05.000 Write that shit down. 1.00

02:05:06.000 I wasn't looking for anything. 1.00

02:05:07.000 I was looking for 1,500 hours just to get me started.

02:05:11.000 That's it, to get an apartment, to get a car.

02:05:14.000 Right.

02:05:14.000 It's all I wanted, but it was between the addiction and the things around me and myself and my weaknesses, it was a spinning ball that you can't get yourself out of.

02:05:23.000 Thank whoever the fuck is up there watching me that I got a break and whatever, and today I'm not fucking letting me do whatever, but I'm alive. 0.97

02:05:30.000 When I wake up in the mornings, I'm alive, dog. 0.99

02:05:32.000 I didn't think I was going to be alive at 49. Who the fuck are you kidding? 0.99

02:05:35.000 I didn't want to be alive at 49, but now I want to be alive, man. 0.98

02:05:40.000 It's beautiful because I crossed over.

02:05:42.000 I don't have that thing in the back of your mind, which is addiction.

02:05:45.000 The same thing people have when they're gay or when they're in the closet about something they did. 1.00

02:05:50.000 That weighs, that bears heavy on your fucking soul. 1.00

02:05:53.000 It doesn't bear on your psyche. 1.00

02:05:55.000 It bears on your soul.

02:05:56.000 I always felt...

02:05:58.000 Less than what I was.

02:06:00.000 Even if I killed. 1.00

02:06:01.000 Because I'm still a fucking junkie. 1.00

02:06:03.000 That always is circling your fucking dome, man. 1.00

02:06:06.000 You know? 1.00

02:06:06.000 And that's why I always... 1.00

02:06:08.000 I feel bad for...

02:06:09.000 I see something sometimes and I know exactly what it is.

02:06:11.000 You know, when a guy wants to be a cop...

02:06:13.000 How many guys you grew up with that? 1.00

02:06:15.000 Were fucking cops when they were eight. 0.99

02:06:16.000 They were school guards. 1.00

02:06:17.000 They took it a little bit too...

02:06:19.000 Cross the street!

02:06:20.000 Walk on the line! 1.00

02:06:21.000 Bitch! 1.00

02:06:21.000 You don't even get paid for this. 1.00

02:06:22.000 I'm about to steal your fucking lunchbox and hit you in the head with it. 1.00

02:06:25.000 There's a lot of kids and they grow up... 1.00

02:06:27.000 You know, they have the flag on their shirt.

02:06:29.000 Jesus Christ, you know, these spics are taking over. 1.00

02:06:32.000 And then they go for the cop test and there's a problem. 1.00

02:06:34.000 They're fucking psychologically fucking deranged. 0.99

02:06:37.000 So now they become a security guard at a mall. 1.00

02:06:40.000 And they take that job too fucking seriously. 0.91

02:06:42.000 Last night, I'm at the ha-ha. 0.90

02:06:43.000 It's a Kevin James movie.

02:06:45.000 Paul Blart.

02:06:46.000 They get dark.

02:06:47.000 For some people, it's a job.

02:06:49.000 For some people, pull over.

02:06:51.000 I got a 911 here. 1.00

02:06:52.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:06:54.000 I stole a pack of fucking gum, you fucking moron. 1.00

02:06:57.000 Some people like to control people. 1.00

02:06:59.000 They enjoy it.

02:07:00.000 It's like when I watch a cop show and they high-five when they bust somebody.

02:07:04.000 We did it.

02:07:05.000 What'd you do?

02:07:06.000 Did you know that Tim Sylvia is a cop?

02:07:09.000 No.

02:07:09.000 Yeah.

02:07:10.000 Where?

02:07:11.000 I forget.

02:07:12.000 I think it's somewhere.

02:07:13.000 I mean, it was cold out wherever it was.

02:07:15.000 I guess it's probably Iowa.

02:07:16.000 It's probably somewhere in Iowa.

02:07:17.000 It might not be Iowa.

02:07:19.000 Like for bachelor parties? 1.00

02:07:20.000 No, he was a fucking cop. 1.00

02:07:21.000 He was doing a lot of shifts as a police officer. 1.00

02:07:27.000 They showed, they went on tour with him.

02:07:29.000 Or tour.

02:07:30.000 On tour with him.

02:07:31.000 On tour!

02:07:31.000 They went on, when he was out, you know, doing his rounds.

02:07:35.000 And what did they say?

02:07:36.000 Cruising?

02:07:37.000 What did he say?

02:07:39.000 Cops following his cruiser.

02:07:40.000 Following his cruiser.

02:07:42.000 Driving around. 1.00

02:07:43.000 Isn't it funny that it can be a cruiser with a cop, but anybody else, you're looking to suck a guy's dick. 1.00

02:07:47.000 Yeah, it's troubling. 1.00

02:07:48.000 You're cruising.

02:07:49.000 You know, if you're cruising, you're cruising for men. 0.98

02:07:52.000 Right?

02:07:52.000 Yeah.

02:07:53.000 Anyway, he's trying to get back into the UFC, I guess.

02:07:57.000 But he's doing like, you know, he's taking some small fights and he works as a cop.

02:08:03.000 He actually likes doing it.

02:08:04.000 You know?

02:08:05.000 It seems like it would be a nice guy to get pulled over by him.

02:08:07.000 Yeah, no.

02:08:08.000 He doesn't have a big chip on his shoulder.

02:08:10.000 Some guys, you can tell.

02:08:12.000 Yeah.

02:08:12.000 Some people want to be cops for the right reasons.

02:08:14.000 For the right reasons.

02:08:15.000 Yeah, I mean, that's the wrong logic.

02:08:16.000 Some people. 0.99

02:08:17.000 There's a way to get fucking flies with gum instead of fucking vinegar. 1.00

02:08:21.000 Last night I got out of the ha-ha. 0.99

02:08:23.000 Last night I got out of the ha-ha.

02:08:24.000 They do Monday nights, they do the comedy contest.

02:08:26.000 I come back with a laugh factor.

02:08:28.000 I pull over by the ha-ha and the kid says, dog, you want to go up?

02:08:30.000 I said, yeah, I'll close the show out while they count the thing.

02:08:33.000 It was black heavy audience last night.

02:08:36.000 If there was 60 people, there was 30 brothers, they went there to see this one black kid from Chicago.

02:08:41.000 I didn't watch them.

02:08:42.000 I got there late.

02:08:43.000 And I went on stage, whatever.

02:08:44.000 I get off.

02:08:45.000 The show ended.

02:08:46.000 We're outside.

02:08:47.000 I'm talking to D'Agostino.

02:08:48.000 And there's brothers standing.

02:08:51.000 Three of them.

02:08:52.000 Nice guys.

02:08:52.000 Just talking.

02:08:53.000 Talking about tomorrow's job.

02:08:55.000 But there's no cars on Lancashire.

02:08:57.000 So there's no cars parked.

02:08:59.000 So the one guy is in the street.

02:09:01.000 Six inches from the sidewalk.

02:09:03.000 Talking.

02:09:03.000 You know how sometimes you're smoking a cigarette away from people?

02:09:06.000 Right. 1.00

02:09:06.000 Fucking cop is on Lancashire. 1.00

02:09:08.000 And I'm watching this cop. 1.00

02:09:09.000 He's at the light.

02:09:10.000 And all of a sudden he comes up to where these guys are standing and stops.

02:09:13.000 And ten cars are behind the traffic.

02:09:15.000 And he just stops and looks at them.

02:09:17.000 And he puts his thing on and he goes, Hey! 1.00

02:09:18.000 Get back on the fucking sidewalk! 0.99

02:09:21.000 And the guy's like, officer, I'm not doing anything. 1.00

02:09:22.000 He shined the light.

02:09:24.000 There's 200 people out there walking around. 0.99

02:09:26.000 This guy's beating fucking Johnny Bananas out there. 0.99

02:09:29.000 So then he puts the light on me. 0.99

02:09:30.000 I'm just over there by the corner talking to the ex.

02:09:32.000 Then I go, what?

02:09:33.000 And he goes, he turns around, makes a U-turn.

02:09:35.000 He goes, what did you say to me? 1.00

02:09:36.000 I said, dog, you're over there harassing three fucking black guys with the problems we got in this country going on right now. 1.00

02:09:43.000 Use your fucking head. 1.00

02:09:44.000 What's wrong with you? 1.00

02:09:45.000 And he looked at me.

02:09:45.000 What's your name?

02:09:46.000 I go, I got my ID in the car.

02:09:47.000 I wasn't drinking.

02:09:48.000 I got no weed in the car. 0.99

02:09:49.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:09:50.000 That's what you're worried about? 1.00

02:09:52.000 Three guys?

02:09:52.000 What do you care?

02:09:53.000 Let them get hit. 0.97

02:09:54.000 What do you care? 1.00

02:09:55.000 Let them get hit by the fucking car. 1.00

02:09:56.000 Is he doing his job? 1.00

02:09:57.000 No! 1.00

02:09:57.000 Mind your fucking business. 1.00

02:09:59.000 There's things you look at and there's things you don't fucking look at. 1.00

02:10:02.000 You ever go to Hollywood and you're driving and all of a sudden there's a fucking bunch of traffic in Hollywood? 0.96

02:10:10.000 And you go around and you realize it's a cop pulling over a homeless guy that's on the corner laying there puking. 0.99

02:10:16.000 So he pulls over like Adam 12 so you can have all this fucking traffic. 1.00

02:10:20.000 Really, bitch? 1.00

02:10:20.000 Where were you when they were shooting motherfuckers up in North Hollywood, motherfucker? 1.00

02:10:24.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:10:25.000 Like, they act like, really? 1.00

02:10:26.000 You're going to pull over to bother a homeless fucking guy? 1.00

02:10:27.000 I think we can agree that there are some cunty cops. 1.00

02:10:30.000 No, but there's cops that...

02:10:31.000 But there's a lot of great cops, too. 1.00

02:10:33.000 No, there's great fucking cops. 1.00

02:10:34.000 The ones that look at you for what the fuck it is. 1.00

02:10:36.000 And they're like, dog, are you fucking serious? 1.00

02:10:38.000 Yeah, well, we've talked about this before on the podcast, and one of the problems is quotas. 1.00

02:10:42.000 In order to show that they're doing their job, they have to catch people doing shit, especially speeding. 0.71

02:10:47.000 certain times of the month you just get crazy speed it's ridiculous it's incredible that that's uh that's like it's really a tactic because then what would happen if it was ever completely resolved what would what the fuck would they ever do if everybody just followed the speed limit because that's common man this google car shit when they were gonna have cars that are gonna be they're you're gonna get in them and you could fucking be on your computer you could be doing whatever you want it's a personal craft that's gonna be able to follow a pattern and get you 0.94

02:11:16.000 You're not going to have to do any driving anymore.

02:11:18.000 It's 100% on the way.

02:11:21.000 You've seen the Google videos, right, Brian?

02:11:24.000 Crossing cars?

02:11:26.000 Google cars?

02:11:27.000 You haven't.

02:11:28.000 Are you serious? 1.00

02:11:29.000 Prepare to get your fucking mind blown. 1.00

02:11:31.000 Pull up on that thing. 1.00

02:11:33.000 Google car drives itself.

02:11:35.000 Dude, Google is for sure Skynet.

02:11:38.000 There's no doubt about it.

02:11:39.000 Google is going to be one day when we talk back, like the way we view the ancient Egyptians and we try to decipher their society, Google is going to play a huge part in the myth of the The downing of the American society and the downing of the Western world.

02:11:54.000 Is that a commercial first?

02:11:58.000 Looks like it.

02:11:59.000 I don't know if it is, though.

02:12:01.000 What did you pull up?

02:12:03.000 A Google car.

02:12:05.000 Google car that drives itself?

02:12:08.000 Scoot back a little so I can see that.

02:12:11.000 Oh, she's killing me. 1.00

02:12:17.000 Fast forward this hooker. 1.00

02:12:19.000 Oh, whoa. 0.97

02:12:20.000 The kind of fuel it uses, but changing something far more fundamental. 0.96

02:12:25.000 When I say hooker, I say I would love. 0.57

02:12:26.000 She seems like a nice lady, I'm just saying that. 0.99

02:12:28.000 Oh, she does have... 1.00

02:12:30.000 her vagina out. 1.00

02:12:32.000 She does not. 1.00

02:12:32.000 Pull forward so we can watch this fucking car drive itself. 1.00

02:12:35.000 There's a couple Google commercials, so let's... 0.99

02:12:37.000 No, you were just saying Google car drives itself.

02:12:39.000 Did you Google that?

02:12:39.000 Testing driving the Google car.

02:12:41.000 This sounds cool.

02:12:42.000 Well, they did one of them, the one I wanted to show you.

02:12:44.000 Google is making the leap from search engines to car engines, but not for just any car.

02:12:49.000 The new Google car is unlike anything else on the road because it drives itself.

02:12:53.000 Becky Worley joins us via Skype, and you went along for a test drive.

02:12:57.000 Oh, thank you, Becky.

02:12:58.000 G4. I did.

02:12:59.000 Good morning, Robin.

02:13:00.000 Yeah, you heard that right.

02:13:02.000 Google, the internet company, has been secretly working on a sophisticated combination of hardware and software that could revolutionize the feasibility of a self-driving car.

02:13:15.000 Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness for the first time on any screen a preview of things to come in your car of tomorrow.

02:13:22.000 Ah, old visions of futuristic cars.

02:13:26.000 First, cruise control, then cars that parked themselves, and then ones that helped you avoid fender benders.

02:13:33.000 But now...

02:13:35.000 And now it's driving again.

02:13:37.000 A self-driving car.

02:13:38.000 And from, of all companies, Google.

02:13:41.000 It uses cameras inside to spot traffic lights and other things.

02:13:44.000 It also uses this thing on the top, which is a scanning laser.

02:13:48.000 They say this car's already driven itself 140,000 miles.

02:13:52.000 Driven itself?

02:13:54.000 Really?

02:13:55.000 Here's how it works.

02:13:56.000 You tell the car your destination, it plots a route, it's aware of speed limits, traffic patterns, and known obstacles.

02:14:03.000 So the wheel just turned completely by itself?

02:14:05.000 Completely by itself.

02:14:06.000 It's not intended to replace drivers, but to help them.

02:14:10.000 It's like super cruise control.

02:14:12.000 Imagine clicking the button for auto drive when you wanted to dial a phone number or read a text.

02:14:17.000 If you wish to drive it, just fine.

02:14:19.000 If you wish to waste 52 minutes in commute traffic, go ahead, be my guest.

02:14:23.000 In fact, Google touts safety as their motivation.

02:14:26.000 They say this technology could one day cut traffic deaths in half.

02:14:31.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:14:33.000 It got really nervous.

02:14:34.000 Yeah, it must have thought it saw somebody coming in down the on-ramp.

02:14:37.000 So how does it handle stop signs and alternating turns with other cars at intersections?

02:14:42.000 Cross walk-ahead.

02:14:44.000 It would be the same probably with pedestrian safety in the sense of using the radio signals to check and see who's in front of them, who's around.

02:14:51.000 But how does it handle the unexpected?

02:14:54.000 How about a little game of chicken? 1.00

02:14:56.000 Oh my god, fuck that. 1.00

02:14:58.000 She's stepping in front of the car. 1.00

02:14:59.000 My hope is that we transform society to make traffic safer, more efficient, and also more pleasurable.

02:15:11.000 Wow.

02:15:12.000 This is incredible.

02:15:13.000 Now, Google says they have no plans to put this to the consumer market anytime soon.

02:15:17.000 They don't know what it would cost when it does come to market.

02:15:19.000 But besides safety, they hope this reduces emissions, reduces our dependence on fossil fuels, and, Robin, eases congestion.

02:15:29.000 Wow.

02:15:30.000 That's incredible, man.

02:15:34.000 Folks who are just listening to this, the video shows this thing on top of it, like some sort of a Star Trek thing spinning around in a circle.

02:15:42.000 Really fast and violently.

02:15:43.000 And it's getting images of all the cars in the neighborhood and where they're coming from.

02:15:47.000 It's like an overhead view.

02:15:49.000 It's really crazy.

02:15:49.000 That does not seem like a good idea.

02:15:52.000 Are you kidding me?

02:15:53.000 It seems awesome.

02:15:53.000 Well, I mean, right now.

02:15:54.000 It seems awesome, dude.

02:15:56.000 It seems awesome.

02:15:56.000 Would you trust that, though?

02:15:57.000 Well, I like driving.

02:15:59.000 I like the feeling.

02:16:00.000 I have some cool cars.

02:16:01.000 I like the feeling of a sporty car that handles well.

02:16:05.000 Like I said, not even driving irresponsibly.

02:16:09.000 Just driving at normal highway speeds, a sporty car, it's fun.

02:16:13.000 It feels like it's a ride.

02:16:15.000 But that would take all that out of it.

02:16:17.000 Then you would just want to be comfortable.

02:16:19.000 But it would be a lot safer.

02:16:21.000 What happens if you're like, I'm going to push on that button and let it do its thing while I do a text message?

02:16:27.000 As an example, you're on the freeway.

02:16:29.000 You look down, you're texting it.

02:16:31.000 The computer that it's running on, for some reason, just starts spinning.

02:16:35.000 Like the beach ball, thinking about something.

02:16:38.000 It has a little hiccup, and then a semi slams on its brakes, and you're not looking up, and you go right into the back of the semi.

02:16:44.000 That could be possible.

02:16:45.000 You can't trust it that much.

02:16:47.000 It is a computer.

02:16:49.000 This car isn't ready to come out tomorrow. 1.00

02:16:52.000 The only fucking advantage I see to this car is you eat a cookie, you're driving, and all of a sudden that motherfucker hits you, you're like, fuck this, I'm tapping out. 1.00

02:16:59.000 Take me home. 1.00

02:16:59.000 Take me home, bitch. 1.00

02:17:01.000 That's the only advantage of something like this. 0.99

02:17:03.000 Well, the advantage would be that this thing has gone over 100,000 miles with no accidents.

02:17:07.000 That's incredible, and it's on regular roads.

02:17:09.000 It may be that that's a way better way for us to get along.

02:17:13.000 I think it probably is.

02:17:14.000 I mean, would you be safe doing that if the whole thing was wired that way and it's the only people who got around?

02:17:20.000 I think you'd probably be safer.

02:17:21.000 The only problem we would have is if one day the system cracked and we had a lot of those cars going around and all the cars would start going fucking crazy and start doing 90 or whatever. 0.79

02:17:29.000 It seems inevitable though, doesn't it? 0.64

02:17:31.000 Yeah, no, no. 1.00

02:17:31.000 And pretty soon these motherfuckers are going to have the car that flies right over you. 1.00

02:17:35.000 The anti-traffic mobile. 1.00

02:17:36.000 You just pop that motherfucker and it goes up 10 feet in the air. 0.99

02:17:40.000 They're going to have everything. 0.99

02:17:41.000 Well, you know, that was an event originally, rather.

02:17:43.000 That's what they thought the helicopter was going to be.

02:17:45.000 They thought the helicopter was going to be able to replace the car.

02:17:48.000 And everyone would just fly around in helicopters.

02:17:50.000 That was the initial idea.

02:17:51.000 God, can you imagine how horrible that would be? 1.00

02:17:53.000 Everyone had fucking helicopters and sound like shit all night long. 1.00

02:17:57.000 Yeah, flying over your house. 1.00

02:17:59.000 No one would have any privacy.

02:18:02.000 It doesn't matter where you live.

02:18:04.000 You could live behind the tallest of gates and the highest of mountains. 1.00

02:18:07.000 Someone would just fly up there and just fly over your fucking house. 1.00

02:18:10.000 Bitch, I'm over your house! 1.00

02:18:12.000 You can never control, you know, they could fuck with you. 1.00

02:18:14.000 Put up on people's houses and stuff. 1.00

02:18:16.000 Yeah, they could just throw rocks off the top of their helicopter at you.

02:18:21.000 Pee on people's houses. 1.00

02:18:22.000 Open the window and just drop some shit on your house. 0.99

02:18:24.000 They could always be over your house. 0.99

02:18:26.000 You could never stop, you know, you could stop someone from driving in your driveway. 0.97

02:18:29.000 How the fuck do you stop them from flying over your house? 0.99

02:18:32.000 Like, climb down a ladder and have sex on people's houses would be, like, popular to do, like, celebrity's houses. 0.99

02:18:37.000 People would be mad as fuck because you'd hear that helicopter. 0.99

02:18:40.000 And they don't even bother, like, having that guy take off and come back. 0.98

02:18:43.000 No, they keep it hovering. 0.99

02:18:45.000 I'm going to have sex on Joey Rogan's house. 1.00

02:18:47.000 It's like fucking being in Apocalypse Now. 1.00

02:18:49.000 It's like living in that fucking movie. 1.00

02:18:50.000 That would be a nightmare. 1.00

02:18:52.000 Then there'd have to be more helicopters in the sky that are cops to stop these motherfuckers. 1.00

02:18:56.000 Pull over, pull over. 0.99

02:18:57.000 Constant crashes.

02:18:58.000 And how would you even make them pull over?

02:18:59.000 Yeah, you get too close, you guys are going to hit blades and everybody dies.

02:19:03.000 What if we all had hot air balloons? 1.00

02:19:04.000 That'd be pretty stupid. 0.99

02:19:05.000 That'd be cool. 0.99

02:19:06.000 That'd be cool that the sky would look awesome if we all had hot air balloons. 0.99

02:19:09.000 Well, people would be falling out of the fucking sky all the time. 0.99

02:19:12.000 That's how husbands and wives would get rid of each other. 1.00

02:19:15.000 Take each other up in a hot air balloon and fucking shoot a hole in the parachute. 1.00

02:19:18.000 We both go, you motherfucker! 1.00

02:19:21.000 But we could dress up our hot air balloons with certain designs and like Joey Diaz would just have a huge Godfather design. 1.00

02:19:27.000 You'd have a big monkey or something.

02:19:30.000 Just sitting in this balloon, floating around. 1.00

02:19:32.000 That shit's going to ask the shit out of me, dog. 1.00

02:19:34.000 That's big in Colorado. 1.00

02:19:35.000 In Colorado they have the big festivals, I think also in Arizona.

02:19:39.000 And in Colorado, I would wake up early in Snowmass Village and go see what they were doing. 0.99

02:19:43.000 They'd eat with the whole fucking thing. 0.98

02:19:44.000 We went down there, but it was the day we were supposed to go there. 1.00

02:19:47.000 It was canceled because of the weather.

02:19:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:19:49.000 We made a trip down to Colorado Springs, and God, the fucking traffic back was brutal. 0.99

02:19:54.000 Brutal. 0.99

02:19:54.000 That's bad. 0.99

02:19:55.000 There's one lane this way, one lane that way. 1.00

02:19:58.000 Oh, that's fucking a nightmare. 0.98

02:19:59.000 How many people are here? 0.99

02:20:00.000 There's a lot of people here. 1.00

02:20:01.000 Why don't you expand this shit, you crazy fucks? 1.00

02:20:03.000 Well, some of the shit they just saved for the whole patois. 1.00

02:20:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:20:06.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:20:06.000 Like, fucking why? 1.00

02:20:07.000 With naturals. 1.00

02:20:08.000 Well, there's some roads that are preposterous to the amount of people that are traveling through them for them to be that narrow.

02:20:14.000 The worst road they have up there is Independence Pass.

02:20:17.000 That's the worst thing I've ever been on in my life.

02:20:19.000 That's what connects Aspen and Denver.

02:20:21.000 But it closes...

02:20:23.000 What's the matter, Brian?

02:20:24.000 People are asking me in real life.

02:20:27.000 They don't get it.

02:20:28.000 Somebody just asked me, do you know if there's an Olive Garden in Vegas?

02:20:31.000 Like a friend of mine.

02:20:33.000 And I'm like, come on, dude.

02:20:34.000 Are you being serious?

02:20:35.000 Do you think that's funny?

02:20:37.000 Why would I know that?

02:20:39.000 What does that have to do with...

02:20:40.000 You just asked me why I was laughing.

02:20:42.000 Oh, so you were just reading your phone.

02:20:43.000 Yeah, somebody just texted me.

02:20:45.000 Well, Independence Pass closes in late August and it opens in June because that's how dangerous it is.

02:20:53.000 Because that's where it starts snowing first.

02:20:55.000 It snows everywhere else a month later because that's the higher elevations. 0.98

02:21:00.000 And the good thing about it is when you hit Aspen and you go through this thing, it's two lanes but two skinny fucking lanes. 0.99

02:21:07.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:21:07.000 Like as skinny as they could be allowed by law. 0.98

02:21:10.000 And there's some turns that you, dog, they're just, but at the end of that, they have the whatever black, black wolf in at the end. 0.99

02:21:19.000 It's like a bed and breakfast and the lady's got wolves and they fucking howl at night. 1.00

02:21:23.000 People like it. 0.99

02:21:24.000 Yeah.

02:21:24.000 So it's pretty cool if you ever met.

02:21:25.000 The crazy thing is if you're on those roads and someone breaks down.

02:21:29.000 That's when it's crazy, because you've got to kind of help them, because there's nobody anywhere, anywhere near that.

02:21:33.000 And there's probably no cell phone service either.

02:21:36.000 No, there's nothing.

02:21:37.000 If you see someone broken down there, you've got to take a real big chance there.

02:21:40.000 You might have to take somebody in your car and bring them with you.

02:21:43.000 I don't like doing that, man.

02:21:45.000 That's a good scam up there. 1.00

02:21:46.000 Fuck that. 1.00

02:21:46.000 Yeah, it is a good scam. 1.00

02:21:48.000 People pull guns out, pull your car out, especially if they have a nice car.

02:21:50.000 They'll pretend to have a flat tire, especially if it's like a guy and a girl.

02:21:56.000 They look like respectable people.

02:21:59.000 Super normal scam to hijack people's cars.

02:22:03.000 They just found some girl in Vermont.

02:22:05.000 They found her body in the woods, and her car was running, and her kid was in the car. 1.00

02:22:11.000 It's really fucked up shit, man. 1.00

02:22:12.000 When you hear those kind of stories, you're like, man... 1.00

02:22:15.000 You really do have to worry about people, man.

02:22:17.000 You really do have to worry about people out there.

02:22:19.000 Because every now and then, someone's in the wrong place at the wrong time.

02:22:23.000 And 99% of the people that you run into are really nice people and they're not trying to hurt anybody.

02:22:28.000 But there was another instance in, I think it was New Hampshire.

02:22:32.000 This was in Vermont.

02:22:33.000 I think there was an instance in New Hampshire where the same thing.

02:22:35.000 A woman turned up missing, and her kid was in the car unharmed, and then it turned out she was dead.

02:22:42.000 And they never found a suspect. 0.99

02:22:44.000 They didn't know who the fuck did it. 0.99

02:22:45.000 There's people out there that have gone away with murder. 1.00

02:22:47.000 They're still out there.

02:22:48.000 That's a fact, 100%.

02:22:50.000 This ain't CSI. 0.80

02:22:51.000 I've been in two fucked-up situations where I remember one time I was like 14, and it snowed like two feet of snow in Jersey. 0.92

02:22:58.000 And the buses weren't working. 0.97

02:23:00.000 I wanted to shoot hoops.

02:23:01.000 So I walked to St. Michael's.

02:23:02.000 But we ended up staying there until like midnight.

02:23:04.000 And I had no buses.

02:23:05.000 And I had to walk home. 1.00

02:23:07.000 And the fucking car pulled over. 0.99

02:23:08.000 And he's like, get in the car. 1.00

02:23:09.000 You want a ride?

02:23:10.000 Yeah.

02:23:10.000 He goes, where do you go?

02:23:11.000 And I used to get off on Sears.

02:23:12.000 And I remember that he started playing with the ball.

02:23:14.000 The ball was between my legs.

02:23:16.000 And he started playing with the ball.

02:23:18.000 And he went, if you want, we come to my house. 0.99

02:23:19.000 I got games over there and shit. 0.99

02:23:21.000 And I didn't know what to do. 0.99

02:23:22.000 I didn't have no heart to punch him.

02:23:24.000 I'm not going to tell you I was going to knock him out.

02:23:26.000 And there was a God, because at my light, the door opened.

02:23:29.000 I hadn't closed it all the way or something. 0.97

02:23:31.000 The door opened, and I just said, thank you, and I ran the fuck out of there, and he made a U-turn. 0.96

02:23:35.000 But, you know, I cut through Schutzen Park and all that shit, and he couldn't find me. 0.99

02:23:40.000 That's scary shit right there. 1.00

02:23:42.000 Can you imagine being one of those motherfuckers, too, and that's your compulsion? 1.00

02:23:45.000 Your compulsion is to go after kids. 1.00

02:23:48.000 Wow, terrible.

02:23:49.000 Like, wasn't that Sandusky guy?

02:23:51.000 Do you know that story that he got taped?

02:23:53.000 They got him on a wiretap from earlier, before all this broke out, from years back.

02:23:57.000 There was a woman, and he was accused of doing something inappropriate with her son.

02:24:03.000 And she was talking to him on the phone, and he said, I wish I was dead.

02:24:07.000 That's what he said when they were talking to him about it.

02:24:09.000 He said, I wish I was dead.

02:24:12.000 That's how they feel. 1.00

02:24:13.000 What a terrible, sick, fucking, broken thing in the brain to make you do that. 1.00

02:24:18.000 That's what that thing that people have. 1.00

02:24:20.000 But isn't it fucked up that the brain is so weird like that, that it can't do something like that? 0.96

02:24:25.000 That someone could find themselves somehow or another in that kind of a terrible jail of a life? 0.99

02:24:30.000 But here's the beauty of it. 0.99

02:24:32.000 If you really read this whole thing in the showers, this fucking guy was pleading to get caught. 0.99

02:24:38.000 Really? 1.00

02:24:38.000 Look at it. 1.00

02:24:39.000 Listen, if I have a little boy, you think I'm going to shower with him at the school fucking gym? 0.99

02:24:43.000 You think I'm going to take him to a school gym? 0.99

02:24:46.000 I don't think they have any place else to go.

02:24:48.000 We could just work it out.

02:24:48.000 He also had a wife.

02:24:50.000 Yes, yes.

02:24:50.000 And apparently one of the kids said that he was over the house and he was screaming for help and the wife ignored him.

02:24:58.000 He was screaming for help.

02:25:00.000 And he talked about it. 1.00

02:25:01.000 Like, help, this guy's fucking me. 1.00

02:25:03.000 Like, the first time Sandusky fucked him. 1.00

02:25:05.000 He's screaming for help, and the wife just ignored him. 0.99

02:25:08.000 The wife is probably in the other room master.

02:25:10.000 The wife, they also lived, apparently, he lives, like, right across the street from a schoolyard.

02:25:16.000 So he sits in the back porch and he watches kids play. 1.00

02:25:19.000 From his fucking house. 1.00

02:25:21.000 Like, whoa! 1.00

02:25:24.000 Isn't it amazing that guy was in that position for so long?

02:25:28.000 You think the world makes sense and that things come to light always?

02:25:33.000 Not necessarily, man. 0.98

02:25:34.000 They kept that a secret for a long goddamn time. 0.98

02:25:37.000 Maybe the people deep inside knew about it, but we didn't know about it for a long goddamn time. 0.98

02:25:42.000 That's a pretty impressive bit of secret keeping.

02:25:45.000 I wonder how many other secrets are like that out there.

02:25:49.000 Especially in places where it becomes sort of cult-like, like Penn State.

02:25:53.000 I mean, when that guy, when nobody even wanted to hear why they fired Joe Paterno.

02:25:58.000 They just wanted to turn cars over and light things on fire.

02:26:01.000 Like, you can't fire him.

02:26:03.000 You can't fire him.

02:26:03.000 There was riots, man.

02:26:04.000 People were just going crazy and demonstrating and screaming and yelling.

02:26:07.000 They were really mad.

02:26:09.000 They were really mad. 1.00

02:26:10.000 They would never even think that he could have been somehow or another aware that the guy he was working with for years was a kid fucker. 0.99

02:26:19.000 But he might have been. 0.99

02:26:21.000 He might have been.

02:26:22.000 They might have let it slide. 1.00

02:26:23.000 That's some scary shit. 1.00

02:26:25.000 That guy took kids with him on vacation. 1.00

02:26:27.000 That guy took kids with him to games and they stayed in the same room. 1.00

02:26:31.000 This is some dark, dark, dark shit. 1.00

02:26:36.000 People should have known about that a long time ago. 1.00

02:26:39.000 You know what's crazy?

02:26:40.000 I was one of those kids that went to camps.

02:26:42.000 I was on PAL basketball and the cops slept in the room with you.

02:26:46.000 You know what, man? 1.00

02:26:47.000 I sit and think of all that shit and how lucky I am. 1.00

02:26:50.000 I was a wee blow for a week. 1.00

02:26:52.000 I didn't like that shit. 0.99

02:26:53.000 But as a kid, I never really... 1.00

02:26:55.000 I don't know what that world would be like. 0.98

02:26:57.000 It's so fucking dark for a child. 0.99

02:27:00.000 Any crime against a child... 1.00

02:27:02.000 It's so dark because it stays with them forever.

02:27:05.000 Yeah, it changes their life.

02:27:06.000 It changes their life and makes them adjust their life with that.

02:27:09.000 It just sits in your soul so much in those years, those formative years.

02:27:14.000 And the really scary thing is that supposedly, I mean, their thinking is the people that perpetrate it are ones who are victims themselves.

02:27:21.000 And that's another... 0.98

02:27:22.000 It fucking short-circuits their whole thing and makes them want to molest children. 1.00

02:27:27.000 It's terrible, man. 1.00

02:27:28.000 The whole thing is they almost want to bring someone into it like a vampire, like someone infecting someone else with the same thing that they got.

02:27:37.000 And that's how you pass it on.

02:27:39.000 I mean, I wonder how many references and how much of the mythology of the vampire is based on things like that.

02:27:45.000 That could easily be what it would be from.

02:27:48.000 Someone who has something horrible done to them when they're younger, they become that horrible thing.

02:27:54.000 There's probably one person that started it all, because he was the first person to molest a kid, and then it just grew and grew and grew.

02:28:00.000 I think monkeys, man, the thing is, if you look at monkeys, and I say monkeys, by the way, I know it's apes, it's chimpanzees, I know it's apes.

02:28:07.000 Monkey sounds cooler, so I use monkey.

02:28:10.000 You're not supposed to do that.

02:28:12.000 But if you look at like, if you look at bonobo chimpanzees, they are the closest to us as far as genetically.

02:28:17.000 Them and regular chimpanzees are the closest to the other primates. 0.99

02:28:20.000 Bonobos, they fuck the shit out of each other. 1.00

02:28:22.000 Everybody fucks everybody. 1.00

02:28:23.000 The only people that don't fuck is the mother doesn't fuck the son. 1.00

02:28:27.000 And I think that's it. 1.00

02:28:28.000 I think the men fuck their daughters, the females, they'll fuck sisters, they'll fuck everybody. 1.00

02:28:35.000 Everybody gets fucked. 1.00

02:28:36.000 That's weird, because you'd think it would be interesting to see, yeah, that monkey has molested this monkey, this monkey has molested that monkey. 1.00

02:28:43.000 The one that got molested throws poop more, the other one has got a real job.

02:28:48.000 There's no one who gets out alive in the jungle. 1.00

02:28:51.000 Everybody's getting fucked. 0.99

02:28:52.000 It's not like... 1.00

02:28:55.000 What it is is just a rampant fuck festival. 1.00

02:28:59.000 The bonobos, they settle all their arguments with fucking. 1.00

02:29:01.000 It's crazy. 1.00

02:29:02.000 Gay sex, straight sex. 1.00

02:29:03.000 It's nuts. 1.00

02:29:04.000 Everybody fucks everybody. 0.99

02:29:05.000 There's no monogamy at all. 0.99

02:29:06.000 And the really nutty thing is there's a giant leap between that and monogamous relationships that most people try to keep together in the human world.

02:29:14.000 As far as behaviorally, that's really kind of the antithesis of what the bonobos, our closest ancestors, do and how they get by. 0.98

02:29:22.000 They just fuck everybody and we just try to keep it together and only fuck one person. 0.98

02:29:26.000 It's kind of fascinating when you think about it. 1.00

02:29:29.000 But those crazy monkeys, they fuck everything, man. 1.00

02:29:32.000 Bonobo squad. 1.00

02:29:33.000 Yeah, I mean, we're trying to get past all that because we realize that it's a selfishness and that you should only be able to have sex with in our rationalization.

02:29:42.000 Someone who understands what sex is and someone who is an adult can make their own decisions.

02:29:48.000 That's how a normal culture handles it. 0.53

02:29:50.000 Even though they want it when they're younger and people become sexual when they're younger, we've decided that in order to keep society together, you can't just go around as a 40-year-old person banging 13-year-olds.

02:30:02.000 That's just crazy.

02:30:03.000 It doesn't matter if they have a period. 1.00

02:30:04.000 This shit's preposterous. 1.00

02:30:07.000 You haven't even given them a chance. 1.00

02:30:08.000 It's cheating.

02:30:09.000 It's shooting fish in a barrel.

02:30:11.000 It's molestation.

02:30:13.000 It doesn't matter if they like it. 1.00

02:30:15.000 We made some rational, smart decisions when it comes to that shit. 0.99

02:30:18.000 You know, I can't tell how old kids are. 1.00

02:30:20.000 You know, I can't fucking tell. 0.99

02:30:22.000 Sometimes you can't. 0.99

02:30:23.000 It's one of the symptoms of cocaine.

02:30:24.000 Like 16 and 17-year-olds, there's a lot of them that look like women. 1.00

02:30:29.000 No!

02:30:29.000 That's what I'm about to say.

02:30:30.000 I'm in a light before coming up here.

02:30:32.000 You know, the school over here.

02:30:33.000 I'm in a light and kids are crossing.

02:30:35.000 There was a girl with shorts on. 0.98

02:30:36.000 Yeah.

02:30:36.000 I remember that.

02:30:37.000 You know, you're in your car.

02:30:38.000 It's really hard.

02:30:38.000 You look over and she was crossing the street.

02:30:41.000 I'm thinking to myself.

02:30:44.000 I couldn't do something like that.

02:30:45.000 Of course you couldn't.

02:30:46.000 I can't even look at her.

02:30:47.000 I can't even look at this girl.

02:30:48.000 Of course you couldn't because you're a moral person and because you're an empathetic person. 1.00

02:30:51.000 Well, fucking morals. 1.00

02:30:52.000 I got no morals. 1.00

02:30:53.000 But to look at a young girl like that and go, Jesus Christ, how could somebody think?

02:30:58.000 Well, how old are these girls? 1.00

02:30:59.000 What are you looking at? 0.99

02:31:00.000 They had to be fucking high school. 0.99

02:31:01.000 Okay, so that's where it gets tricky. 0.99

02:31:03.000 When it's like 16, 17, they start looking like women and they're 5'9". 0.99

02:31:08.000 It's almost impossible.

02:31:10.000 But even with the trick, a guy like you looks at them and I look at them and go, it wouldn't even be a conquest for me.

02:31:17.000 Of course.

02:31:18.000 It would be an embarrassment for a guy like me now.

02:31:20.000 Right.

02:31:20.000 But that's in the context of our culture.

02:31:22.000 In the context of your body, your body would want to fuck that girl, Joe Diaz. 1.00

02:31:26.000 If you were alone with her, and you and her were on an island, and she's cuddling up with you every night to sleep, and then she just reaches down your package and rubs your balls and starts kissing your ear, and your dick is hard like a goddamn crowbar, yeah, she might only be 17. But her pussy is dripping down her leg. 1.00

02:31:42.000 You touch her thigh, you feel it dripping. 1.00

02:31:44.000 You remember that when they were 17? 1.00

02:31:45.000 Remember that shit? 1.00

02:31:46.000 They would get so wet, they would gush. 1.00

02:31:49.000 Remember that shit? 1.00

02:31:50.000 Yeah, you'd fuck her. 1.00

02:31:51.000 Case closed. 1.00

02:31:52.000 Don't judge.

02:31:53.000 When I was 20, when I was about 20 and 19, I worked in an electrical supply house, Swift Electric.

02:31:59.000 We all took those warehouse jobs.

02:32:01.000 And the guy that had the warehouse had to be 48, and his girlfriend...

02:32:06.000 His wife had just turned 17, and he had been with her since she was 13. Weird.

02:32:15.000 And that was legal?

02:32:16.000 At the time, I guess it was legal.

02:32:18.000 He had been in trouble, but he got pregnant, so they had to stay together.

02:32:22.000 But he was a grown man dating a girl in high school.

02:32:26.000 She wasn't all there, and he wasn't all there.

02:32:30.000 I mean, obviously you could see it, but just the thought of him telling me, yeah, my wife is 17 or 18, I'm like...

02:32:37.000 He goes, we've been together for five years.

02:32:38.000 What?

02:32:39.000 Can you imagine picking a girl out when she was like 12 and they were just friends with her until she's 18 and then you start putting the moves on her?

02:32:46.000 Jesus Christ.

02:32:47.000 That's creepy to think about.

02:32:49.000 Dude, there's some of them that their age of consent is really low.

02:32:54.000 Yeah, like 16. Is it Hawaii or something?

02:32:56.000 I think it's Hawaii.

02:32:56.000 I think it's, well...

02:32:59.000 I'll have to figure this out.

02:33:02.000 Alright, here we go.

02:33:03.000 The lowest, it seems like, 15 is Colorado.

02:33:05.000 15. Jesus Christ.

02:33:07.000 That can't be still real.

02:33:09.000 You still want to move to New Jersey?

02:33:10.000 That can't be real.

02:33:11.000 I don't know what year this is.

02:33:13.000 1999. What's New Jersey, guys?

02:33:15.000 In 1999, what was Jersey?

02:33:17.000 In 1999, Jersey was...

02:33:20.000 By the way, that's pretty fascinating.

02:33:21.000 16 and 18?

02:33:23.000 I guess 16, 18, it must mean boys, girls.

02:33:26.000 Wow.

02:33:27.000 For boys, it's probably 16. For girls, it's 18. That's crazy. 0.52

02:33:30.000 That's fucking crazy, man. 1.00

02:33:32.000 Or is it girl, boy? 1.00

02:33:33.000 No, I would think boys would be younger.

02:33:35.000 Oh, okay.

02:33:36.000 Age 16, if the man is 21 or older, the girl has to be 16. If the female is over 12, what? 0.68

02:33:43.000 What?

02:33:43.000 12?

02:33:44.000 Hold on a second.

02:33:45.000 I can marry a 12-year-old?

02:33:46.000 Some of them, oh my god.

02:33:48.000 This is in 1999. Connecticut, 15. Colorado, 15. That means you could fuck a 15-year-old, man. 0.99

02:33:55.000 Just a few years ago. 1.00

02:33:57.000 Michigan, 16. Minnesota, 16. Wow.

02:34:00.000 Most of the country, by the way, is not 18. This is back in 1999. I already knew that.

02:34:07.000 This is crazy.

02:34:08.000 The dude from Lost married that, whatever, 15 months.

02:34:10.000 Yeah, North Carolina 16, North Dakota 16. It all goes down to South Carolina 14. 14 in South Carolina, Myrtle Beach.

02:34:18.000 14, 16. Wow, that's incredible.

02:34:20.000 You're fucking 40 years old. 1.00

02:34:20.000 That's probably what it is. 1.00

02:34:21.000 Girls 14. You're 40 years old and you're fucking a 16 year old. 1.00

02:34:25.000 Right. 1.00

02:34:26.000 What if she has like a lot of cheeseburgers and she's like way advanced for her age? 1.00

02:34:30.000 Still, what do you talk about, Joey?

02:34:31.000 You don't talk about anything.

02:34:34.000 You show them cartoons while you bang them from doggy style.

02:34:37.000 Don't do that, Joey.

02:34:38.000 I'm just kidding.

02:34:38.000 No, no, no, no.

02:34:39.000 I just don't understand this.

02:34:40.000 No, you have to be...

02:34:43.000 It's animalistic, man.

02:34:44.000 It's natural to be attracted to a girl that has a great body, regardless of if she's 18 or 19 or, you know, some of them are 17. They look...

02:34:54.000 You remember, like, who was the...

02:34:56.000 Tracy Lourdes.

02:34:57.000 Tracy Lourdes, when she first burst on the scene, she was, like, this really famous porn star because it turned out she did all these films.

02:35:04.000 She got, like, real famous, but she was underage.

02:35:07.000 She was, like...

02:35:07.000 14, 15. That's why Hunger Games is so popular.

02:35:10.000 Everyone wants to eat that girl out. 1.00

02:35:12.000 I don't know what you're talking about.

02:35:13.000 I haven't seen Hunger Games, so I don't know anything about it. 1.00

02:35:16.000 Don't say shit about it. 0.98

02:35:17.000 I don't want to know. 0.99

02:35:18.000 I don't know anything about it.

02:35:19.000 I went to see it.

02:35:20.000 Is it good?

02:35:21.000 I heard it's really good. 1.00

02:35:21.000 That's why I don't want to hear shit. 1.00

02:35:22.000 Doug Benson hated it. 1.00

02:35:23.000 Doug Benson's a silly bitch. 1.00

02:35:26.000 I love him, but he's a silly bitch. 1.00

02:35:29.000 We're in Louisville. 1.00

02:35:31.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:35:31.000 We're in Duncan Trussell, Louisville, Kentucky. 1.00

02:35:33.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

02:35:33.000 Friday, Saturday, Sunday, boom, Sherlock luck, boom. 0.99

02:35:36.000 It's Wednesday.

02:35:36.000 I'm tightening down for my special, which is April 20th in Atlanta at the Tabernacle.

02:35:41.000 Joe Diaz will be in the house, as always, every fucking show that I recorded ever since the beginning. 0.99

02:35:46.000 Joe Diaz has been a part of that shit. 1.00

02:35:47.000 That's right. 1.00

02:35:48.000 So that's...

02:35:50.000 It's on 420 in Atlanta, and the first show is already sold out.

02:35:53.000 So the second show is about half sold out right now. 1.00

02:35:56.000 So get on that shit. 1.00

02:35:57.000 We're going to have a good time. 1.00

02:35:58.000 It's going to be fun.

02:35:59.000 And then I'm going to release it, Louis C.K. style.

02:36:01.000 Five bucks online, which you're doing, by the way, too, with a documentary.

02:36:04.000 You know what I'm doing, though?

02:36:06.000 I'm doing it on iTunes.

02:36:08.000 April 2nd is pre-sales, and then I'm releasing it Friday the 13th, the last scene.

02:36:12.000 And what is it?

02:36:13.000 It's either you or the priest.

02:36:14.000 Okay.

02:36:15.000 And then the documentary, I think I'm going to release it on Friday the 13th, too, because the graphic guy...

02:36:19.000 But I thought if you were the priest, it's already out.

02:36:21.000 It's out on payloads, but people want to buy it on iTunes.

02:36:24.000 Oh, okay.

02:36:24.000 People just want to buy it on iTunes.

02:36:25.000 There's people that just have iTunes accounts and shit. 0.97

02:36:27.000 Okay. 0.94

02:36:28.000 So you're going to put you or the priest on iTunes, and when will that be?

02:36:31.000 Friday the 13th.

02:36:32.000 Friday the 13th, and then...

02:36:34.000 The documentary, the graphic guy just called, and he says it's going to take him another week.

02:36:37.000 We could release it on the second as we planned, but now we'll just wait for the graphics.

02:36:41.000 Now, what is this documentary? 0.96

02:36:44.000 You know, man, I started making those Mad Flavor stupid fucking videos, you know, and I got great responses and it was funny what people wanted to see. 0.98

02:36:52.000 You mean the MMA ones? 1.00

02:36:54.000 No, just the ones with me going to the weed store, going acupuncture, and taking a shower with the cat, the cat that likes to get wet and shit, and just fucking around. 0.99

02:37:03.000 And people started emailing me shit that they thought would be interesting. 0.99

02:37:07.000 And I'm like, you can't give people what the fuck they want all the time. 0.99

02:37:10.000 But I really made sense. 0.98

02:37:11.000 They're like, we want to see what this Carmine guy looks like.

02:37:14.000 What does he look like?

02:37:15.000 Like my friend Carmine Balzano.

02:37:16.000 Does he really exist?

02:37:18.000 We want to see what lubes looks like.

02:37:19.000 Right.

02:37:19.000 Does he really stutter?

02:37:21.000 And I started thinking about it and I went on Twitter and asked for donations and I got money.

02:37:24.000 I got a camera and a cameraman and we went to Jersey. 0.85

02:37:26.000 And I taped like my grandma's school, some of my fucked up buddies just to tell some stories. 0.64

02:37:31.000 And then that night when you see me, I did a one-man show to surround it so that would put the pieces together. 0.91

02:37:37.000 Oh, that sounds great.

02:37:38.000 Listen, bro, it's five bucks.

02:37:40.000 I don't even know if I'm going to charge for it.

02:37:41.000 It was just something I wanted to do just to let people know.

02:37:44.000 That sounds great.

02:37:45.000 That sounds like a great idea.

02:37:46.000 What it really is, I wanted to show people that, you know, when my parents died, it seems like a really bad thing when you're a kid.

02:37:51.000 It really does.

02:37:52.000 It's a horrible thing. 1.00

02:37:53.000 But I was a fucking Spanish kid in this Italian-Irish community where nobody's more racist than fucking Italians. 1.00

02:38:00.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:38:01.000 They love throwing spick and nigger around and bignon and all this shit. 1.00

02:38:05.000 I love it. 1.00

02:38:05.000 I got nothing against it. 1.00

02:38:06.000 But these people opened up their homes to me.

02:38:08.000 And then part of the reason when I was in that prison sitting there going, you know, now they won.

02:38:13.000 The people who hated me growing up, the ones that said I was just a junkie, they won. 1.00

02:38:17.000 There's a handful of people that fed me and took care of me and gave me clothes and never talked about it. 0.99

02:38:23.000 They bring me fucking food in a hotel. 0.97

02:38:26.000 So I just wanted to go show these people. 0.99

02:38:28.000 That's all I wanted to do.

02:38:29.000 That's it.

02:38:30.000 I don't want to release this in Sundance.

02:38:32.000 Well, you got some great stories, man.

02:38:33.000 Your stories along with me and the actual people, that's guaranteed entertainment.

02:38:38.000 Yeah, you know, and it's nothing. 0.97

02:38:39.000 I'm not going to fucking release that Sundance. 0.98

02:38:42.000 I ain't no fucking whatever. 0.98

02:38:44.000 I just did this for these Twitter people. 0.97

02:38:46.000 We have such a great time on Twitter now and Facebook.

02:38:49.000 This is my morning. 0.99

02:38:50.000 From 6 to fucking 9, I'm up there playing music, calling them cocksuckers, and it enhances us. 1.00

02:38:56.000 It does. 0.99

02:38:56.000 We don't have fans. 0.99

02:38:58.000 This is a network.

02:38:59.000 Duncan and I talked about it on his podcast, Duncan Trussell Family Hour.

02:39:04.000 I did it the other day, and one of the things that he was talking about is how great it is now that essentially everybody that we're hanging around with, everybody is doing great.

02:39:14.000 Like, Ari is doing great on the road.

02:39:16.000 Duncan is doing great.

02:39:17.000 You're doing great.

02:39:18.000 Everything's doing great.

02:39:19.000 It's like, it's building now to the point where we can all, like, we all feel real good about everything.

02:39:24.000 And everything is, it's like, we really truly are, like, pumping each other up.

02:39:29.000 We really truly are bringing each other up with this.

02:39:32.000 Which is really an artist comedy.

02:39:33.000 Yeah.

02:39:33.000 Which is what the comedy store started doing.

02:39:35.000 We just kept taking it.

02:39:37.000 Listen, this week I'm in Miami and you're in Louisville.

02:39:40.000 There's nothing more in the world I wanted to do than was being in Louisville with you.

02:39:43.000 It's what we do. 0.95

02:39:43.000 We have so much fucking fun. 0.95

02:39:44.000 But it's cool to break it up a little bit every now and then, too. 0.97

02:39:46.000 But think about what's going on.

02:39:48.000 That squad is out there.

02:39:49.000 Yeah.

02:39:50.000 And now you're in Louisville.

02:39:51.000 I'm in Kentucky. 1.00

02:39:52.000 Segura's in fucking Connecticut. 0.99

02:39:53.000 Right. 1.00

02:39:53.000 That's that squad. 1.00

02:39:54.000 Yeah.

02:39:54.000 So that squad's out there.

02:39:56.000 We're clogging up the middle.

02:39:57.000 We're clogging up the hole. 0.99

02:39:58.000 We're in the middle of that fucking octagon. 1.00

02:40:00.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

02:40:01.000 We're not against the fence no more. 0.99

02:40:02.000 We're in the middle of the fucking octagon. 0.96

02:40:03.000 Well, it's because of the podcast and because of the internet. 0.98

02:40:06.000 You know, the... 1.00

02:40:07.000 People have been looking for something that's a little bit more wild than the shit they're getting fed on radio and the shit they're getting fed on television. 1.00

02:40:14.000 There's a lot of people out there that think like us. 0.99

02:40:17.000 They just don't have anybody else that's on the internet or that's in any form of media that's expressing things that they're feeling.

02:40:26.000 People are worried about their position, and they're worried about their reputation, and they're worried about not getting crazy or saying too many things, or let's not discuss that, or let's not discuss this. 0.99

02:40:35.000 When you get to a place where you can do something like this podcast and do it for a long time, those people really get to know who the fuck you are. 0.96

02:40:46.000 And you really can help each other. 0.91

02:40:48.000 They send you links. 1.00

02:40:49.000 They send you interesting shit. 0.99

02:40:51.000 They send you information. 1.00

02:40:52.000 They send you encouragement.

02:40:53.000 It pumps you up.

02:40:54.000 I mean, come on.

02:40:55.000 When you get all those tweets from people who love you on the podcast, it feels great.

02:40:59.000 It's a nice pump you up.

02:41:00.000 You want to say thank you to as many of us as possible.

02:41:02.000 It's like this big ripple. 0.96

02:41:03.000 When I had the surgery, you know how many fucking people tweeted me paperwork, a meniscus repair, a knee repair? 0.97

02:41:10.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:41:11.000 How many people offered me massages and come to Orange County and we'll do this for you and come to Santa Monica and we'll do this for you? 0.99

02:41:17.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.96

02:41:19.000 Some people, where are you going? 0.99

02:41:21.000 They were like, dog, where are you doing PT at?

02:41:23.000 I'll do it for free.

02:41:24.000 I don't want nobody to do nothing for free.

02:41:26.000 I'll pay you.

02:41:26.000 But just the thing that they weren't people.

02:41:29.000 Bro, how's your knee?

02:41:31.000 These people hit me up every day like, how's your knee? 0.98

02:41:33.000 My knee's fucking fine. 0.98

02:41:34.000 But Jesus Christ, how nice of you to ask. 0.97

02:41:37.000 How nice of you to ask.

02:41:39.000 People sent me a workout.

02:41:40.000 There was a doctor that sent me a workout on Gmail.

02:41:43.000 He sent it to me in weeks, Joe. 0.99

02:41:46.000 He took time out of his fucking schedule from New York Institute of Reconstructive fucking Knee Surgery, okay? 0.99

02:41:53.000 That he listens to this podcast and follows me on Twitter or whatever. 0.99

02:41:56.000 He sent me four weeks in a row the exercises I had to do for that week at home to strengthen my knee.

02:42:02.000 And I did them. 0.97

02:42:03.000 He even fucking told me, go get a rubber band and tie it and use the rubber band. 0.98

02:42:07.000 I mean, this is a guy that's a doctor. 0.98

02:42:09.000 And every week on my Gmail account, every Monday I get the workout for the week.

02:42:12.000 So I was going to PT, but I was also doing his workout.

02:42:15.000 Wow.

02:42:16.000 Because that's what he specializes in.

02:42:17.000 Because he said that when you're 20 and when you're 45, your meniscus is different.

02:42:21.000 He doesn't want me falling into these exercises.

02:42:23.000 He wanted to strengthen the essential parts of the knee at that age.

02:42:26.000 He told me what vitamins to take.

02:42:28.000 I mean, this guy was great.

02:42:29.000 This is what we're a part of.

02:42:31.000 Yeah, that's very nice.

02:42:32.000 But on the other hand, how many people email you about comedy?

02:42:35.000 And say, I'm starting.

02:42:36.000 What do I do? 0.99

02:42:37.000 And you fucking cut right through the chase. 1.00

02:42:39.000 You fucking tell them this is what it needs. 1.00

02:42:41.000 This is what we're doing. 1.00

02:42:43.000 People hit me all the time.

02:42:44.000 Dog, I'm doing this.

02:42:45.000 I gotta quit smoking dog because I'm gonna be a...

02:42:47.000 I gotta quit smoking weed because I'm gonna be a mailman.

02:42:50.000 Then quit smoking weed. 1.00

02:42:50.000 They're offering you a fucking job while you're being a knucklehead. 1.00

02:42:53.000 We're all helping each other out of here. 1.00

02:42:54.000 And the first time in my life, in my career, I'm having a fucking fun time. 1.00

02:42:58.000 I'm telling you, they call me for auditions now, and I'm like, go fuck yourself. 1.00

02:43:01.000 I do better on Twitter. 1.00

02:43:03.000 Suck my dick. 1.00

02:43:04.000 All I gotta do is put on Twitter. 1.00

02:43:05.000 I'm looking for an acting job. 0.98

02:43:06.000 Somebody will fucking hit me up. 1.00

02:43:08.000 Because half the people on your network are fucking writers from shows. 0.99

02:43:11.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that. 1.00

02:43:12.000 They know!

02:43:13.000 They know!

02:43:14.000 So this Twitter is becoming something.

02:43:16.000 You know, in the 80s it was cocaine.

02:43:18.000 Now it's Twitter and Facebook. 1.00

02:43:20.000 You don't need that shit to be part of a social fucking network. 1.00

02:43:23.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:43:23.000 I definitely think that this is the best time ever to get your shit out there without having to rely on having a show or a network. 1.00

02:43:29.000 Nothing! 0.99

02:43:29.000 You don't need anybody anymore. 0.99

02:43:31.000 Yeah. 0.84

02:43:31.000 And the group of all of us together, like the loosely based group, I mean, Opie named us Death Squad because I came into the Opie and Anthony show once with Eddie Bravo, who's a jiu-jitsu black belt, and Tate Fletcher, who's a giant fucking gorilla, MMA fighter, and he's like, holy shit, Joe Rogan brought in the Death Squad. 0.84

02:43:47.000 And that sort of stuck and we started using it as a goof.

02:43:50.000 But having a loosely based group where we're all together just because we love each other and we're friends and we're all funny and we all work together and hang out together and pump each other up.

02:44:00.000 You become a part of something.

02:44:01.000 And as that part of something, I really feel like when I see that Duncan is on the road making great money and then Ari's selling out in this place and killing him in Vancouver.

02:44:11.000 I see all that.

02:44:12.000 It makes me feel great.

02:44:13.000 It makes me smile.

02:44:14.000 It makes me fired up.

02:44:16.000 I feel like, you know, as a group like that, when you have a whole bunch of people, the more everybody's doing well and the more everybody's happy and the more everybody's sort of progressing, it inspires you to do the same.

02:44:26.000 It inspires you to work hard. 0.99

02:44:28.000 It inspires you to continue to produce shit. 1.00

02:44:32.000 Get out there and bang your fucking sets out. 1.00

02:44:35.000 Write new shit, you know? 1.00

02:44:36.000 I'm always busy. 1.00

02:44:37.000 I always have something to do.

02:44:40.000 Ten years ago, I had nothing to do.

02:44:42.000 I always have something to do, because if I'm not doing anything, I write a one-man show about crime.

02:44:46.000 Last week, I did one about criminal stories.

02:44:49.000 A whole one-man show?

02:44:50.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:44:51.000 I already have pages and pages of years of written-out shit on computers, just in different orders. 0.99

02:44:56.000 So when I write one of these shows, all I have to do is go back to that page and just write the shit out. 0.99

02:45:01.000 This is what I did for three years. 0.99

02:45:02.000 I just got high and wrote.

02:45:04.000 I didn't know what I was doing. 0.99

02:45:05.000 I didn't know about apostrophes or fucking... 0.98

02:45:08.000 How to spell there or there. 0.99

02:45:10.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:45:11.000 Like you forget all this shit. 1.00

02:45:12.000 You're in your. 1.00

02:45:13.000 Yeah, you forget all this shit. 0.99

02:45:15.000 But you just wanted to get the ideas out. 0.99

02:45:17.000 Listen, man.

02:45:19.000 Every comic has jokes and we have great jokes.

02:45:22.000 The longer you're in this, you become a better performer.

02:45:24.000 The thing that accentuates us is our lives and how we put it into our act.

02:45:29.000 And if you don't put your life into your acting, you're just a comedian.

02:45:32.000 And I didn't know that until one night I was listening to one of our friends on a Showtime special.

02:45:37.000 And he's one of our friends.

02:45:38.000 It's a weird, mid-comic from the store.

02:45:40.000 And he always just said jokes like I was doing for years.

02:45:43.000 I was in the other room.

02:45:45.000 And I heard him.

02:45:45.000 And I go, this is why I'm not successful.

02:45:48.000 Because I'm just doing jokes.

02:45:50.000 I'm not telling them about me.

02:45:51.000 What do I see with my eyes?

02:45:53.000 The world in my eyes by Depeche Mode is one of the greatest jams ever.

02:45:57.000 They just break it down. 0.99

02:45:58.000 It takes a while, though, to figure out what the fuck you are seeing. 0.99

02:46:01.000 What your message is. 0.99

02:46:02.000 You remember what it was like when you were 20 or 21? 0.99

02:46:05.000 You didn't have a fucking valid opinion on anything. 0.98

02:46:09.000 Brian is 37. He struggles with this. 0.99

02:46:11.000 Olive Garden, bitches. 1.00

02:46:12.000 That's my brother. 1.00

02:46:14.000 He already said it.

02:46:15.000 When did he say it?

02:46:16.000 He said it earlier.

02:46:16.000 He's talking about his friends lying about his friends texting.

02:46:19.000 Playboy Amber is in Vegas and she asks, is there an Olive Garden in Vegas?

02:46:23.000 I don't know who Playboy Amber is. 1.00

02:46:25.000 I assume that's one of your friends.

02:46:26.000 That's a beautiful name, though.

02:46:27.000 She's a beautiful girl.

02:46:28.000 Shazam.

02:46:31.000 No, I'm very excited about this time.

02:46:33.000 It's fun.

02:46:34.000 It's a fun time.

02:46:35.000 It's a great time to do shows.

02:46:36.000 We have a show Wednesday.

02:46:37.000 Yeah, Wednesday, our 200th episode, which is tomorrow.

02:46:41.000 Yeah, tomorrow.

02:46:42.000 At the Ice House.

02:46:43.000 And there's a show, 8 p.m.

02:46:45.000 show?

02:46:45.000 Yeah, it's 10 p.m.

02:46:46.000 10 p.m.

02:46:47.000 show.

02:46:47.000 10 p.m.

02:46:47.000 show tomorrow at the Ice House.

02:46:49.000 And it's in the big room, which is still pretty small.

02:46:51.000 It's only 150 seats, right?

02:46:53.000 200. Is it 200?

02:46:54.000 I think so.

02:46:54.000 No way.

02:46:55.000 90 or 200, yeah.

02:46:56.000 Whatever it is, it's awesome.

02:46:57.000 It's one of the best clubs in the world.

02:46:59.000 They just celebrated their 50th anniversary, if you can believe it or not.

02:47:03.000 I think it's one of the oldest ones, right?

02:47:06.000 Yeah, I think it is.

02:47:07.000 It plays oozes character.

02:47:09.000 I mean, it's just been around forever.

02:47:11.000 It oozes it.

02:47:11.000 It's just a...

02:47:12.000 It's like a museum. 0.99

02:47:14.000 If you look around the walls and shit, there's all this really old headshots and old contracts and old album covers and shit. 0.98

02:47:21.000 Social security numbers. 0.97

02:47:22.000 Yeah, we looked at one of them and Brian goes, that's David Letterman's social security number.

02:47:26.000 And then we had to get the manager over here and go, you know, you could read his social security number.

02:47:30.000 I hope he didn't change his... 0.97

02:47:31.000 They put up his goddamn contract from 1976 or whatever the hell it was. 0.98

02:47:35.000 Hey, Paul? 0.99

02:47:36.000 Yeah.

02:47:37.000 Oh, they whited it up.

02:47:38.000 I don't think they did.

02:47:39.000 Yeah, I think they whited it.

02:47:39.000 I think we read it.

02:47:40.000 We read it out.

02:47:41.000 Yeah.

02:47:41.000 Yeah, they didn't.

02:47:43.000 They took down the picture immediately and then they whited it out.

02:47:47.000 Yeah, but we...

02:47:48.000 You're welcome, Dave.

02:47:50.000 Yeah, Dave.

02:47:51.000 You might have just got lucky, Dave.

02:47:52.000 Could have been one of those things.

02:47:53.000 Yeah, give me a three-minute spot on your show now.

02:47:55.000 Do you really want to go up there and stutter in front of the world? 1.00

02:47:58.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:47:58.000 Are you a Letterman? 1.00

02:48:00.000 If you had to choose between one show, if you could go on one.

02:48:03.000 Kimmel.

02:48:03.000 100% Kimmel.

02:48:04.000 He's the hippest, right?

02:48:05.000 He's just the coolest guy, the nicest guy.

02:48:07.000 Have you seen Kimmel's million, or it's movie, The Movie?

02:48:12.000 What?

02:48:13.000 Kimmel did this thing.

02:48:14.000 It's a short seven-minute video or something like that.

02:48:17.000 It's called Movie the Movie.

02:48:19.000 It's a movie trailer about a fake movie.

02:48:21.000 But it has almost every single actor you can think of in the movie.

02:48:25.000 And it's so fucking great that now they're showing it in movie theaters before movies because it's so good.

02:48:31.000 Really? 0.75

02:48:32.000 Yeah, so if you go to YouTube and click Movie the Movie, I think Kimmel has his own YouTube page. 0.95

02:48:37.000 But it's fucking brilliant. 0.83

02:48:37.000 It's great. 0.83

02:48:38.000 See, I'm a Letterman dude.

02:48:39.000 And I'll tell you why I'm a Letterman dude. 0.97

02:48:41.000 Because I remember 30 years ago when Letterman was fucking hip. 0.97

02:48:44.000 And how hip he was. 1.00

02:48:46.000 And how bad of a motherfucker. 1.00

02:48:47.000 Because he was going with the anti-guest. 1.00

02:48:49.000 And that's what nobody remembers. 0.98

02:48:51.000 And if you want to see a great performance, go to YouTube and click fucking Rick. 1.00

02:48:55.000 Fuck Rick Hicks on Letterman. 1.00

02:48:57.000 Rick Hicks did Letterman a bunch of times. 1.00

02:48:58.000 What's the black dude from Buffalo? 1.00

02:49:00.000 The singer, the one that died of crack and shit. 1.00

02:49:02.000 Rick James on Letterman. 1.00

02:49:04.000 Watch what comedy was.

02:49:05.000 Watch what human was when he went up there with a white suit on and he sang 69 times.

02:49:11.000 Really?

02:49:11.000 And he would put his tongue out when he sat down, Letterman looked at him, he goes, that was quite a song.

02:49:15.000 He goes, is that on your Christmas album? 1.00

02:49:18.000 That's when Letterman was the shit, Jack. 1.00

02:49:20.000 Then another time he brought it, you know how he brings in dogs? 1.00

02:49:24.000 He brought in a police dog from Kennedy Airport.

02:49:26.000 Wow.

02:49:26.000 Right, he's like, show them what the dog is doing.

02:49:28.000 And then finally he goes, can I ask you a question?

02:49:30.000 Let's put this dog into the audience just to see if anybody's got drugs. 1.00

02:49:34.000 This is 20 fucking years ago. 0.99

02:49:35.000 Oh my God. 0.99

02:49:35.000 So he was very hip. 0.99

02:49:37.000 It's just now he's old, and now people who go on there are selling shows.

02:49:42.000 It's not just about people going out and talking.

02:49:44.000 When Rick James got on, watched the interview.

02:49:46.000 He didn't promote nothing.

02:49:47.000 I think he's just tired, man.

02:49:48.000 Yeah, he's tired.

02:49:48.000 I can tell people get...

02:49:50.000 Dog, five days a week. 1.00

02:49:51.000 Five days a week, dirty fucking years. 1.00

02:49:53.000 You gotta be fresh. 1.00

02:49:54.000 You gotta look good. 0.72

02:49:55.000 You don't wanna perform too fucking bad. 1.00

02:49:57.000 Look at your contract, bitch. 1.00

02:49:58.000 Five shows a fucking week. 1.00

02:49:59.000 You know, look at Chelsea Handler. 1.00

02:50:01.000 What she's doing is rough. 1.00

02:50:02.000 You run out of shit sometimes. 1.00

02:50:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:50:04.000 You know, five days a week. 1.00

02:50:05.000 I mean, we only do this, the most we've ever done this is like four days in a row.

02:50:08.000 And you guys got no writers.

02:50:09.000 And I can see if we did that every day, it would feel like...

02:50:12.000 And we have no writers.

02:50:13.000 We don't have to sit down.

02:50:14.000 And no commercial breaks.

02:50:16.000 The thing about why I don't like Sign Night Live is, why I don't agree with Sign Night Live is because when you watch the end of it, look at how many writers they got. 0.99

02:50:23.000 So you got 40 writers for this shit? 0.99

02:50:26.000 I'd rather you have four and write a masterpiece. 1.00

02:50:28.000 You have 40 writers, and you're still doing jokes about, I got bit in the dick, and it looks like you're going to die? 0.99

02:50:34.000 Seriously? 1.00

02:50:35.000 40 fucking writers. 1.00

02:50:37.000 This is why I don't get it. 1.00

02:50:38.000 I don't understand. 0.99

02:50:39.000 You got bit in the dick, is that a poison joke? 1.00

02:50:41.000 Remember that fucking joke that my uncle got bit in the dick by a snake, so he called a guy, and the doctor says, you got to suck it up. 1.00

02:50:48.000 And he hung up the phone, and he goes, what did he say? 1.00

02:50:49.000 It looks like you're going to die.

02:50:51.000 Yeah.

02:50:51.000 The third grade joke.

02:50:52.000 I've seen that once on that fucking thing. 1.00

02:50:55.000 So you got 40 fucking writers. 1.00

02:50:57.000 You know how hard it is to do Letterman every day? 1.00

02:50:59.000 You got to look at topical shit. 1.00

02:51:01.000 You got to look at government shit. 1.00

02:51:03.000 I mean, that's a tough job. 0.99

02:51:04.000 If he does five shows a week, you know, sometimes he lucks out because you got a great guest.

02:51:09.000 Right.

02:51:10.000 Sometimes. 0.99

02:51:10.000 But what if somebody goes out there fucking punk or something like that? 0.99

02:51:13.000 You're going to save the show with animal tricks? 0.99

02:51:15.000 It's 11.30 at night.

02:51:17.000 Well, he's notoriously hard on himself, too.

02:51:19.000 He's one of those guys that after it's over, he gets angry and starts getting pissed. 0.96

02:51:22.000 That show sucked and really gets hard on himself. 0.93

02:51:25.000 We're comedians. 0.98

02:51:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:51:26.000 We kill and we suck. 1.00

02:51:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:51:28.000 How come when we kill, we go home and we can't fall asleep? 1.00

02:51:31.000 Well, sometimes it feels good, but most of the time there's like one thing that you're still struggling with, trying to put it in order. 0.99

02:51:36.000 Even if you had a great set where they give you a standing ovation, if you blubbed one joke, that one blub will fucking haunt you. 0.97

02:51:42.000 You forget, I've been with you backstage where you get off stage and you've killed. 0.97

02:51:46.000 And you look at Brian and you say, I forgot to do that joke.

02:51:50.000 We just killed! 1.00

02:51:51.000 But we forgot to do that fucking joke. 1.00

02:51:53.000 How hard are we on ourselves? 1.00

02:51:56.000 Motherfucker! 1.00

02:51:57.000 I wrote that all fucking night. 1.00

02:51:58.000 I killed him. 1.00

02:51:59.000 I had him. 1.00

02:52:00.000 And I fucking forgot the joke. 1.00

02:52:02.000 So you just killed him. 1.00

02:52:03.000 Somebody else would have been fucking happy. 1.00

02:52:05.000 Somebody else would have said, fuck the joke. 1.00

02:52:07.000 Not us three. 1.00

02:52:08.000 I go home now in that car ride on the way home.

02:52:10.000 I'm figuring out that set and why I said that.

02:52:13.000 How can I make it better? 0.99

02:52:14.000 And I got a pen and pencil in the fucking car now, a little notepad. 0.99

02:52:17.000 Which is worse than texting. 1.00

02:52:19.000 Which is, by the way, another reason why you should get a fucking iPhone. 0.99

02:52:22.000 Because that voice memos from... 1.00

02:52:24.000 I got the fucking voice memo. 0.99

02:52:25.000 No, voice memo syncs up to your car. 0.99

02:52:27.000 I got it in the car too, yeah.

02:52:29.000 You go right off the stage and then boom, it starts playing your set.

02:52:33.000 Right on.

02:52:33.000 It's incredible.

02:52:33.000 The only thing is I don't know when the fuck it's going to go.

02:52:36.000 So I put the pen and pencil right fucking next to me. 0.99

02:52:40.000 And that's it. 0.99

02:52:40.000 We gotta rock this fucking, close this beach. 0.99

02:52:42.000 I love this motherfucker. 1.00

02:52:43.000 I love that you guys had to go to it. 1.00

02:52:45.000 Dude, you're the best.

02:52:46.000 You're the best, man.

02:52:47.000 You're the best.

02:52:47.000 Thank you very much for having me on.

02:52:48.000 You have enriched my life considerably, Joe Diaz.

02:52:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

02:52:52.000 You are.

02:52:52.000 You are, man.

02:52:53.000 Thank you for all the stakes you get me, motherfucker. 1.00

02:52:54.000 Listen, we've had some fucking great times together, man. 1.00

02:52:57.000 I ain't going nowhere. 0.99

02:52:58.000 That's the number of 20 fucking years here. 0.99

02:53:00.000 Of course you are. 0.99

02:53:00.000 Listen, I'm not guessing. 0.99

02:53:03.000 I think you being with us, and one of the reasons I'm really excited about you coming to Atlanta, is like we said, I never did it.

02:53:11.000 The first special I did, or the first CD I did, was in 1999. That's the only thing I've ever done without Joey Diaz.

02:53:17.000 But I was in the cover.

02:53:18.000 Yeah, he was in the cover.

02:53:19.000 I was in the cover.

02:53:20.000 He was in the cover naked.

02:53:21.000 I was in the middle of your CD. Usually somebody has a CD, they open it, it's a picture of them.

02:53:27.000 Hanging out, smoking a joint, drinking a beer.

02:53:29.000 No.

02:53:29.000 You put a picture of me with my nutsack out and my stomach right over it, which only a few people still have that picture.

02:53:36.000 I have a bunch of those, man.

02:53:37.000 If you still have that picture, we've got to sell those.

02:53:39.000 I have a bunch of those CDs.

02:53:40.000 I have those CDs.

02:53:41.000 I have a stack of them.

02:53:42.000 Yeah, we've got to sell those on the road because then they clap.

02:53:44.000 You can blow that up. 0.99

02:53:45.000 It's $147 on fucking Amazon, man. 0.99

02:53:48.000 You can't even get that CD anymore. 0.99

02:53:50.000 I gotta figure out a way to get it reprinted or something like that.

02:53:53.000 Reprint it?

02:53:54.000 What?

02:53:54.000 Just sell it digitally.

02:53:55.000 Just put it on YouTube.

02:53:55.000 Why don't I own it?

02:53:57.000 Warner Brothers owns it.

02:53:58.000 It was my first CD. It was a Warner Brothers CD. We'll talk to them.

02:54:01.000 Yeah, I would love to get it put on.

02:54:03.000 Call Bugs Up.

02:54:04.000 I have a stack of them in my closet, and that's about it. 0.97

02:54:07.000 But they're stupid expensive on Amazon, because you can't buy them new. 0.99

02:54:11.000 But that photo of you, yeah, I mean, I was a Joey Diaz fan from the fucking beginning. 0.99

02:54:16.000 We did that CD in 1999. That was the creepiest thing. 0.97

02:54:20.000 We took pictures with these creepy strippers. 0.99

02:54:22.000 Crazy strippers. 1.00

02:54:23.000 Their boyfriends were there puffing them up. 0.99

02:54:26.000 Yeah, it was real weird. 0.99

02:54:27.000 Disgusting. 0.58

02:54:27.000 In the main room. 0.58

02:54:29.000 We wanted to get girls that looked like they had been partying. 1.00

02:54:33.000 We didn't want the best looking girls. 1.00

02:54:35.000 We wanted girls that were pretty, but girls that were... 1.00

02:54:38.000 Had mileage.

02:54:38.000 Yeah, they had mileage on them.

02:54:40.000 We were looking for a certain look.

02:54:42.000 Like I wore a tie and a suit jacket. 1.00

02:54:46.000 The bitches they sent us, they looked like they got run over the fucking bus. 1.00

02:54:49.000 That one chick's pussy was flat like a... 1.00

02:54:52.000 Like a fucking, it was just flat. 1.00

02:54:54.000 It had no lump to it or nothing. 0.99

02:54:56.000 There was a lot of that going on there.

02:54:57.000 The boyfriends were the weirdest thing though.

02:54:59.000 When you get to that, that sort of a weird, there's a lot of dudes that like will find a girl that's like a stripper and they just like mooch off the girl. 0.67

02:55:07.000 But they get into their heads too.

02:55:09.000 Yeah, they get into their heads.

02:55:10.000 DB, I'm your confidence.

02:55:11.000 You've done this before.

02:55:13.000 Go out there and show them how beautiful. 1.00

02:55:15.000 Well, a lot of guys who are successful, they don't want their girlfriends out there rubbing their pussy on somebody's pants. 1.00

02:55:20.000 Amen, brother. 1.00

02:55:21.000 Amen, son.

02:55:22.000 So a lot of it is girls who find guys that have to deal with that because the guys don't have any money. 1.00

02:55:27.000 So they have these weird relationships where the woman is the one who makes the money and the guy stays home and shit and carries their luggage when they go on the road with them and stuff.

02:55:37.000 Picks him up and he's security. 0.97

02:55:38.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:55:39.000 How about motherfucking security and shit? 1.00

02:55:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:55:42.000 Anyway, Miami bitches this weekend. 1.00

02:55:45.000 Rogan's in Louisville, Kentucky. 1.00

02:55:47.000 Red man's at the Ice House running shit. 1.00

02:55:49.000 Ice House Wednesday. 1.00

02:55:50.000 Tomorrow, Wednesday night, 10 p.m.

02:55:52.000 Come on down, Pasadena. 0.99

02:55:54.000 This is going to be a fun fucking show, and it will be our 200th. 0.99

02:55:58.000 Podcast episode. 0.95

02:55:58.000 And if you don't make it Wednesday, we have one Friday. 0.95

02:56:00.000 Also, just go to icehousecomedy.com. 0.85

02:56:03.000 But you won't be there because you'll be in Louisville checking me out, bitches, with Duncan Trussell at the Louisville Improv. 1.00

02:56:09.000 Holla at your boy Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. 0.96

02:56:12.000 Tickets available online.

02:56:14.000 Tickets from Miami, 305-441-8200. 0.96

02:56:17.000 Call right now, cocksuckers. 0.98

02:56:19.000 Mad Flavor on Twitter. 0.98

02:56:20.000 Follow him.

02:56:20.000 Follow Red Band on Twitter.

02:56:22.000 And my name is Joe Rogan.

02:56:23.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the fleshlight, you can enter in the code name ROGAN and save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:56:33.000 Thank them for being our first original sponsor here on the Joe Rogan Experience.

02:56:38.000 Thank you to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood.

02:56:46.000 All of them explained in great detail on Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. First order of 30 pills, there is a 100% money back guarantee.

02:56:55.000 You don't even have to sell the pills back.

02:56:57.000 You just get your money back.

02:56:58.000 We don't want anybody to get ripped off.

02:57:00.000 And I will tell you with 100% honesty, this is all stuff that I take.

02:57:03.000 And I've taken it even before I ever started selling it.

02:57:06.000 Yo.

02:57:07.000 So that's it. 0.99

02:57:08.000 That's the end of this fucking episode. 0.99

02:57:10.000 I love you, Cox. 1.00

02:57:11.000 We love the shit out of you guys. 0.95

02:57:13.000 For real.

02:57:14.000 Thanks to everybody. 0.99

02:57:15.000 Thanks on Twitter and Facebook and all you delicious bitches. 1.00

02:57:18.000 And we will see you tomorrow with the great Duncan Trussell in another episode. 0.89

02:57:22.000 That will be number 200. Oh, shit. 0.97

02:57:24.000 And then the big show. 1.00

02:57:25.000 Congrats.

02:57:26.000 Thank you.

02:57:26.000 Love you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 27, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #199 - Joey Diaz

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Transcript