The Joe Rogan Experience - May 25, 2023


Joe Rogan Experience #1990 - Bert Kreischer

Topics
friends earn your Mondays kissing scene John Wick sequences John Wick movie scene bad movies dogs box jellyfish season spiders and bull Shark attack bullying bullying and comedy supporting comedy black square civic pride in Florida drinking out of shoes Russian mob story Tim Dillon and Shane Gillis
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Bert Kreischer
Mentioned
Uncle Joey Bert Kreischer Shane Gillis Mark Ruffalo Hulk Jesus Christ Randy Couture Joey Diaz Chappelle Adderall Tommy Dude Steve Harvey Leanne Kevin Smith Mark Norman Tim Dillon Sebastian Jamie Oleg Taktarov Arnold Schwarzenegger and 128 more
Joe Rogan Experience #1989 - Andrew Dice Clay Joe Rogan Experience #1991 - Protect Our Parks 8

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 53 minutes

Words per minute

184.34

Word count

32,029

Sentence count

4,163

Harmful content

Misogyny

90

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,242

sentences flagged

Hate speech

74

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Comedian Dave Chappelle joins Jemele to discuss his life and career, his new movie, and his new stand-up special. He also talks about his favorite comedian, and the people who helped him get to where he is now, and what it's like to be a comedian in the 21st century. He also gives us some of his favorite memories of growing up in the late 80s and early 90s, and gives us a little insight into what it was like growing up as a comic in that era, and why it's so important to have good friends in your life, and how important it is to surround yourself with people who are good at the same thing you're trying to do, because without them, it's not going to be as good as you think it is. Plus, he gives us his thoughts on the new movie he's been working on and why he thinks it's a good idea to make a movie about the late great Dave Chapele. You won't want to miss it! Get your tickets to Dave's new comedy special, Comedy Bang Bang! on Netflix now! Click here for tickets to Comedy Bang! Click here to see the show on Netflix and HBO Now! Thanks for listening and share it on your socials! Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe on iTunes Learn more about your ad choices. Rate/subscribe in Apple Music and become a supporter of The Nod Podcasts by going to gimlet.me/TheNodcast. Thank you for listening to Gimlet Media and GIVE Us 5 stars! We really appreciate what you're listening to our podcast and reviewing our podcast, we really appreciate it. Thank you so much for supporting us. -Jon Sorrentino and we really really appreciate your support and giving us a chance to spread the word out there about what we do so much of our podcast out there! - Jon Rocha, the Nod is amazing. Jon s new album "The Nod Project" is out now and Jon's new album is out on the road and we hope you'll give us some love out there too much love and we appreciate it so much out there in the rest of the world is amazing and we're looking out for you, too much of it's amazing, so much so much love, so please give us a review and we'll send it out to all of your support out there.

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:13.000 I love you to death.
00:00:15.000 Brother, I love you way more than you'll ever love me and you know that I told you that last night. 0.90
00:00:21.000 That's a ridiculous thing to say to a person.
00:00:23.000 You changed my life immeasurably. 0.96
00:00:24.000 You changed mine too.
00:00:26.000 We changed each other's lives.
00:00:27.000 We really did.
00:00:29.000 I just get too much credit.
00:00:32.000 It's all of us.
00:00:33.000 It's like we did it all together.
00:00:35.000 We all did it together.
00:00:37.000 Without good friends, nobody really succeeds because you don't appreciate it if it's just you.
00:00:47.000 It doesn't seem fair. 0.99
00:00:49.000 It seems all fucked up. 1.00
00:00:51.000 I keep saying to people, you gotta surround yourselves with the motherfuckers. 1.00
00:00:57.000 If you're talking about your friends as if you're the top dog, then you're with the wrong dudes. 1.00
00:01:02.000 Someone said to me, you're always talking like, You're not a great comic and your friends are so much better.
00:01:06.000 I go, they are. 1.00
00:01:07.000 Look who my fucking friends are. 1.00
00:01:08.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 1.00
00:01:09.000 Like my friends, I surround myself by people that are way better than me. 0.99
00:01:14.000 And then I just listen.
00:01:15.000 I don't, not listen a lot, but...
00:01:17.000 We all rise up together.
00:01:19.000 It's an old expression that the rising tide raises all boats.
00:01:25.000 It really does.
00:01:26.000 It's good for everybody.
00:01:28.000 It's like you want killers.
00:01:30.000 We got into this because we love comedy, and now we're in it.
00:01:34.000 And when you're in it, it's so scary, and it's so weird, and it's so chaotic, and people are comparing themselves to other people, and it causes all this totally unnecessary conflict.
00:01:46.000 And if you just remember why you got it in the first place, you got it in the first place because you love to watch it.
00:01:53.000 And then you did it, and then you got selfish.
00:01:55.000 And you started thinking about yourself. 0.88
00:01:57.000 You started thinking about, I want to kill, and I want to be better, and I want to be the number one person.
00:02:01.000 Watching where other people are in their career.
00:02:02.000 How come I don't have a 30-minute, half-hour special?
00:02:04.000 And people get upset with people that they really don't have any conflict with in real life.
00:02:09.000 But in their mind, they associate that person with something negative because they feel bad when they think about them because that person's more successful than them.
00:02:17.000 It makes them feel bad, so they think that person's bad.
00:02:21.000 It's like a weird, selfish way of thinking about stuff.
00:02:24.000 And every comic used to have that back in the day.
00:02:28.000 Dice was talking about how every comic would fuck every comic over, and they would do something that would fuck up your set.
00:02:36.000 He was talking about what he did on Dangerfield's Young Comedian special. 0.78
00:02:41.000 Someone else on the show wanted to wear a leather jacket, the day of, a biker jacket, like the same jacket that Dice wears.
00:02:47.000 Yeah.
00:02:48.000 And Rodney stopped it and he put the kibosh on it. 0.99
00:02:50.000 But the comics would always do that kind of shit to each other. 0.99
00:02:53.000 It was like that when I started. 0.99
00:02:55.000 It's not like that.
00:02:56.000 It's way less like that now.
00:02:58.000 Like, I feel like...
00:03:01.000 The amount of love I've gotten from comics these last couple weeks promoting the movie, the love I've gotten from them has made me feel good.
00:03:11.000 I get really nice texts from people.
00:03:13.000 I was telling you, I'm going to name drop right away. 0.94
00:03:16.000 Chappelle was the fucking sweetest guy in the world. 0.89
00:03:18.000 He's the nicest guy of all time. 0.97
00:03:20.000 He was the sweetest guy.
00:03:20.000 I wanted to meet that guy.
00:03:22.000 Joe, I wanted to meet him for so long because he's my favorite.
00:03:26.000 Out of all the comics when I moved to New York that I could watch, it was Chappelle the way he did it.
00:03:31.000 It was like watching jazz, right? 0.99
00:03:32.000 And then Attell was almost like watching the fucking fish or the dead. 0.99
00:03:37.000 And you're like, it's not jazz. 0.99
00:03:38.000 I don't know what the fuck that is, but it's totally different. 0.95
00:03:40.000 I don't understand it. 0.98
00:03:41.000 Hedberg was like that.
00:03:42.000 Those are the guys.
00:03:43.000 Geraldo.
00:03:44.000 Those were the...
00:03:44.000 Patrice.
00:03:46.000 But Chappelle was like the great white... 0.99
00:03:47.000 I told him that.
00:03:48.000 I said, you're like a great white shark.
00:03:50.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:03:50.000 You don't see, like, you walk into a room, you're like, oh, fuck! 1.00
00:03:55.000 Fuck! 1.00
00:03:55.000 And he goes, he was like, he was like, man, he was very nice. 1.00
00:03:59.000 He goes, you've always spoken very nice about me.
00:04:01.000 And I was like, yeah, that's how it works.
00:04:04.000 Like, when you're a cool person, people talk good about you.
00:04:06.000 Yeah.
00:04:07.000 It should be how it works. 0.99
00:04:09.000 But, you know, you see people even talking shit about him. 0.99
00:04:11.000 I've seen people talk shit about him that are comics. 0.99
00:04:14.000 It's like, goddammit. 0.99
00:04:16.000 You know what it is? 0.85
00:04:18.000 You said it earlier.
00:04:19.000 It's transactional.
00:04:20.000 It's like they think that it's gonna help put them over.
00:04:22.000 Yeah, it's a weird thing that we all do.
00:04:24.000 Because social interaction is very much like a game sometimes.
00:04:29.000 There's like moves, and then there's counter moves, and you're trying to get a better position.
00:04:37.000 It's like a little social wrestling match sometimes.
00:04:41.000 I've seen people do it.
00:04:42.000 Like when you're a room full of famous people, there's a couple types of people.
00:04:46.000 There's people that work the room, and then there's people like me who leave the room.
00:04:49.000 Because I go, this is overwhelming me.
00:04:52.000 This is too weird.
00:04:53.000 I'm going to get too drunk. 0.99
00:04:53.000 I'm going to say something fucked up. 0.99
00:04:55.000 It's too weird. 0.99
00:04:57.000 It's too weird.
00:04:59.000 I know. 0.99
00:04:59.000 It's like, god damn. 0.99
00:05:02.000 It's weird to be one. 0.99
00:05:03.000 It's weird to be around them.
00:05:07.000 It's like we've all known each other for so long that we know each other.
00:05:13.000 Whereas you meet someone and they're already famous, it's like how much do they even let you in?
00:05:20.000 It seems like a weird life. 0.96
00:05:24.000 It's funny, I remember when all the fucking Ivermectican shit was going on with you, and Georgia was like, sitting at the table, and she's on her phone, and she goes, oh my god, do you know this guy? 0.98
00:05:36.000 And I went, yeah. 0.99
00:05:37.000 She goes, really? 0.99
00:05:38.000 I said, you do too, dummy. 0.99
00:05:39.000 She goes, who is he? 0.99
00:05:40.000 I go, the guy with the chickens.
00:05:41.000 She goes, oh wait.
00:05:42.000 I like that guy.
00:05:44.000 You're looking at your phone, and I think that's what happens, is you look at a celebrity or someone, and you brand them with the thing that you think on the outside. 0.97
00:05:52.000 I know I've been guilty of it, but I've talked shit about people before. 0.99
00:05:54.000 Just fucking around. 0.99
00:05:55.000 Just fucking around, because you just don't think they'll never hear it. 1.00
00:05:59.000 I'll give you a perfect one. 1.00
00:06:03.000 I used to say that I think I could beat up Stylebender. 1.00
00:06:07.000 If we were drinking, we had to drink the same amount of beers and then get in a cage.
00:06:11.000 We each had to drink 12 beers and get in a cage.
00:06:13.000 And it was a joke. 0.99
00:06:15.000 I was fucking around with Tommy. 0.97
00:06:17.000 I never thought I'd meet Stylebender. 1.00
00:06:19.000 I never thought that motherfucker rolls up to my show in New Zealand and, first of all, he's way bigger than you think. 0.99
00:06:30.000 Way bigger than you think, okay? 1.00
00:06:32.000 And his hands are huge and they're soft.
00:06:36.000 And the first thing he does, Joe, is he grabs my arm to like dap me up and he throws a knee. 0.99
00:06:41.000 And he grabs me by the back of the neck and goes, you still think you could fuck me up? 0.99
00:06:46.000 And I'm like, I'm so sorry. 0.99
00:06:48.000 But you know what?
00:06:49.000 You know what? 1.00
00:06:51.000 That guy is the coolest motherfucker. 0.99
00:06:55.000 Like, the coolest. 1.00
00:06:56.000 I mean, he's one of my motherfuckers where I go... 0.98
00:07:00.000 He treated everyone as if he wasn't the middleweight champion of the world. 0.99
00:07:04.000 He treated them as if he was just some guy that was into comic books and into anime.
00:07:08.000 And he met Jared Hess, the director of Napoleon Dynamite, was at my show.
00:07:13.000 And he geeked out.
00:07:15.000 He was like, oh, you did Napoleon Dynamite?
00:07:16.000 And Jared Hess is going, this is...
00:07:19.000 Israel Adesanya! 0.99
00:07:20.000 Like, holy shit! 0.99
00:07:20.000 And then, and then, Joe... 0.99
00:07:24.000 And, Izzy, I'm sorry if I talk too much sometimes. 0.98
00:07:29.000 We end up at a bar at like 3 in the fucking morning. 0.97
00:07:32.000 And he is. 0.99
00:07:33.000 I'm faded.
00:07:33.000 I don't know if he was drinking too much at all.
00:07:35.000 I don't even know if he's drinking.
00:07:38.000 But we get pretty lit.
00:07:41.000 In a bar at 3 in the morning in New Zealand, and he stands up, and I stand up with him back to back, shirtless, both of us.
00:07:48.000 And we challenge everyone in the bar to a fist.
00:07:50.000 Oh, you have it!
00:07:52.000 Oh, this is...
00:07:53.000 What are you challenging ever in the bar?
00:07:57.000 Who won it?
00:08:02.000 What are you doing?
00:08:06.000 You're challenging a bar to fight.
00:08:08.000 And this is in another country?
00:08:10.000 Yeah, this is!
00:08:12.000 Jesus Christ, Bert. 1.00
00:08:13.000 We were fucking, dude, this motherfucker is the coolest guy in the fucking world! 1.00
00:08:20.000 He literally is. 1.00
00:08:21.000 He stands up and he goes, who has that?
00:08:23.000 He's one of the coolest guys that's ever lived.
00:08:25.000 It's on his Twitter.
00:08:26.000 Oh, it's on his Twitter?
00:08:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
00:08:27.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:08:27.000 Look at this. 1.00
00:08:28.000 He goes, he stands up and he goes, his first words out of his mouth, I'll kill every motherfucker in the room for this man right here! 1.00
00:08:35.000 So then you know my shirt comes off. 1.00
00:08:37.000 I go, I thought we were doing a Steve Harvey bit.
00:08:40.000 You ever seen Steve Harvey talk about his wife?
00:08:42.000 No.
00:08:45.000 It'll make you cry, because I know how much you love your wife.
00:08:49.000 His wife's name is Marjorie.
00:08:53.000 I thought Stylebender was doing a Steve Harvey bit because Steve Harvey has this moment where he's doing an award show and he hears a song and he goes, ooh, I'm having me a moment.
00:09:04.000 And he goes, that's our song.
00:09:05.000 And then it's a cool moment.
00:09:08.000 He goes, she's mine.
00:09:11.000 Oh, this is it.
00:09:12.000 This is it.
00:09:13.000 This will make you cry, man.
00:09:14.000 I mean, I get emotional watching this.
00:09:15.000 I just had a moment.
00:09:18.000 And that's me and my wife's song too.
00:09:22.000 I met her in 86, 87 when the song came out.
00:09:28.000 Then God gave her back to me in 2005. I put her name on the back.
00:09:34.000 Man, do you understand me?
00:09:39.000 That's mine right there.
00:09:42.000 Yeah, I own you and you own me. 1.00
00:09:46.000 I will kill everybody in here about your ass. 1.00
00:09:49.000 Please understand that about the way I love you, Marjorie Elaine. 1.00
00:09:55.000 You understand me? 0.81
00:09:56.000 I kill everybody in here. 1.00
00:09:57.000 I swear to God. 1.00
00:09:58.000 I thought he was doing a...
00:10:00.000 I thought he was doing a...
00:10:01.000 He goes, he goes, ask the Lord about me. 1.00
00:10:04.000 I killed every motherfucker in here. 1.00
00:10:08.000 That's hilarious. 1.00
00:10:09.000 So you thought Stylebender was doing that?
00:10:12.000 Because Leigh-Anne sends me Steve Harvey clips, and she had just sent him, and I thought, he must have seen the clip, it must be going viral. 0.99
00:10:19.000 So I thought he was doing Stylebender, so I go, I can't have a motherfucker in! 0.99
00:10:23.000 He's mine, and I'm him! 0.99
00:10:26.000 I thought he was doing Steve Harvey.
00:10:28.000 Oh my god!
00:10:29.000 And then we start going table to table, Joe. 1.00
00:10:32.000 We go table to table, challenging motherfuckers. 1.00
00:10:34.000 Who wants it? 1.00
00:10:35.000 Look, look at these big dudes behind them, these big Samoan guys. 1.00
00:10:38.000 We're like, who wants it?
00:10:40.000 Who wants it?
00:10:40.000 Bro, this could have gone horribly wrong.
00:10:44.000 I was challenging the female tables. 1.00
00:10:47.000 Exclusively.
00:10:47.000 What if there was rugby players there or something?
00:10:50.000 He's the middleweight champion of the world! 0.99
00:10:52.000 I'm gonna stand my fucking ground! 0.99
00:10:53.000 Oh my god, that's so dangerous. 1.00
00:10:55.000 We ended up buying the whole bar shots.
00:10:57.000 Oh, that's good.
00:10:58.000 Three times.
00:10:59.000 Whoa.
00:11:00.000 Filled him up. 1.00
00:11:01.000 Fuck, round him up! 1.00
00:11:01.000 Jesus, that must have been a drunk place. 1.00
00:11:04.000 It was.
00:11:05.000 And then he texted me the next morning, like, boom, he's out, he's out.
00:11:09.000 He didn't, I don't think he drinks up as much as I do.
00:11:11.000 And that dude, I'll tell you, I'm a ride or die for him.
00:11:14.000 He was the nicest.
00:11:16.000 We sat and talked.
00:11:17.000 We just talked about like, you know, something really important in life is celebrating.
00:11:22.000 Like celebrating victories.
00:11:23.000 I love the way he does that.
00:11:25.000 I really do. 0.96
00:11:26.000 When he has a victory, he goes on like a celebration tour and I feel like the universe then fucking is set right. 0.89
00:11:38.000 Leanne has a phrase. 0.86
00:11:39.000 It's called, earn your Mondays, right?
00:11:42.000 So, like, I'm gonna get emotional telling this. 0.99
00:11:45.000 It's a cool fucking thing. 0.98
00:11:46.000 It's earn your Mondays. 1.00
00:11:48.000 It means bust your ass all fucking weekend for us comics. 1.00
00:11:51.000 All weekend, all weekend. 1.00
00:11:53.000 And do so well, you earn your Monday.
00:11:54.000 You don't have to pick up the phone. 0.99
00:11:55.000 You don't have to do a fucking thing. 1.00
00:11:56.000 You can just fucking sit back in the cut and go, I earned my Monday. 0.99
00:11:59.000 Like Amy Schumer's movie Trainwreck did really well, right? 0.99
00:12:05.000 It's opening week.
00:12:06.000 And that's when Leanne said it the first time.
00:12:08.000 She goes, man, she earned her Monday. 0.98
00:12:09.000 I said, what do you mean?
00:12:09.000 She goes, she did press for two weeks leading up to this.
00:12:11.000 She's been going theater to theater trying to help sell tickets. 1.00
00:12:14.000 And it's done.
00:12:15.000 And it did well.
00:12:16.000 She earned her Monday.
00:12:17.000 And I think it might be in Scientology.
00:12:21.000 It might be a thing in Scientology, but...
00:12:23.000 When Izzy earns his Monday, after that fight, the way he celebrates life for two weeks, he goes out, he's in Miami, he's in New York, he's in Vegas, he's in LA, he's in London.
00:12:36.000 He does a tour.
00:12:37.000 I said to him, I go, that's really inspirational.
00:12:41.000 The way that you look at life as it needs to be.
00:12:43.000 He goes, yeah, you gotta celebrate these moments. 0.99
00:12:47.000 I think it's cool as fuck. 0.99
00:12:49.000 Wait till you see the fucking bender I'm going on if my movie does well this weekend. 1.00
00:12:53.000 How could you ramp it up any more than you're already doing it? 0.99
00:12:57.000 Dude, listen, I'll tell you what, I'm going to rehab.
00:13:01.000 I want someone to chloroform me at the premiere, and I wake up a week later, they go, your movie did great, Bert.
00:13:06.000 Your body's clean, you've been hydrated, you slept.
00:13:10.000 Just keep you on a constant IV. Dude, I need to say this real quick right now.
00:13:16.000 Everyone, please go to movie theaters this weekend and see my movie The Machine.
00:13:20.000 Please go out of the house.
00:13:22.000 Buy a ticket to a movie theater.
00:13:23.000 That is our biggest challenge is getting people in movie theaters. 0.99
00:13:26.000 So if you love me or you've ever loved me, you used to love me, you think I'm annoying as fuck now, whatever the fuck it is, just give me a shot. 0.99
00:13:34.000 Get out of the house and go see the story that started on this fucking podcast. 0.99
00:13:40.000 I would have never told it on stage if this man right here didn't say, you have to tell it on stage. 1.00
00:13:45.000 This is your fucking movie. 0.99
00:13:47.000 You need to know him as the machine. 1.00
00:13:49.000 From now on, call out his name at shows.
00:13:51.000 Make him tell that story.
00:13:53.000 I leaked the trailer. 1.00
00:13:55.000 This movie was going to sit on a fucking shelf. 0.99
00:13:57.000 Joe, you've done so much for me. 0.99
00:13:58.000 Do it for Joe, guys.
00:14:00.000 Do it for Joe.
00:14:00.000 Do it for me.
00:14:02.000 Prove that he's the motherfucker. 1.00
00:14:03.000 Well, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man. 1.00
00:14:06.000 It's a good movie. 0.99
00:14:07.000 It's an action.
00:14:08.000 It's going to be fun.
00:14:08.000 It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen.
00:14:12.000 And I think people will be surprised at how fun this movie is. 0.96
00:14:17.000 It's just fucking fun. 0.97
00:14:20.000 And I've been fucking up promotion for it because I'm way too honest. 0.98
00:14:25.000 I'm not an actor. 0.92
00:14:27.000 They're like, what are the kissing scenes like?
00:14:29.000 And I'm like, rough.
00:14:38.000 We have one kissing scene.
00:14:42.000 I didn't know there was kissing scenes in the movie because I don't read the action when I read the scripts.
00:14:47.000 I just read the dialogue.
00:14:48.000 So I don't read like, you know, hey, Bert comes back, kisses his wife, and knocks her off her feet.
00:14:55.000 I just go like, oh, Leanne was in Serbia, and they were like, hey, you have a kissing scene today.
00:14:59.000 I was like, what?
00:15:00.000 And they're like, yeah, you're your wife. 1.00
00:15:02.000 And I was like, shut the fuck up. 1.00
00:15:03.000 I was like, is that cool? 1.00
00:15:05.000 And Leanne's like, yeah, you're an actor.
00:15:07.000 I was like, yeah, but I haven't cheated on you in, like, ever. 0.99
00:15:10.000 Like, I haven't kissed someone in 20 fucking years. 0.98
00:15:12.000 She was like, it's just acting. 0.99
00:15:14.000 And I was like, okay.
00:15:17.000 All I'll say is, the pants I was wearing were loose-fitting, and I don't wear underwear.
00:15:25.000 We did one take, and I was like, costume change, please.
00:15:28.000 They're like, what?
00:15:29.000 I was like, I need to change my pants.
00:15:31.000 I guess I'm not an actor.
00:15:32.000 I'm just a regular dude.
00:15:34.000 Oh my goodness, Bert.
00:15:36.000 They're like, huh?
00:15:39.000 And I was like, I don't know. 0.99
00:15:39.000 What the fuck are you supposed to do? 0.99
00:15:41.000 You're supposed to kiss someone and then just... 1.00
00:15:42.000 Like, how the fuck does that work? 0.98
00:15:46.000 You ever kiss someone? 0.99
00:15:48.000 Your body doesn't know that it's just acting.
00:15:51.000 No.
00:15:52.000 No.
00:15:53.000 No.
00:15:54.000 How could it?
00:15:55.000 Yeah!
00:15:56.000 I did the first kiss. 0.99
00:15:57.000 My wife, Stephanie, is cool as fuck. 1.00
00:16:00.000 By the way, I've talked with her, and we've talked about this a number of times. 0.99
00:16:05.000 And she goes, we did the first kiss, and I'm like, I don't know, I'm just like, you know.
00:16:10.000 And she's like, hey, you know, really go for it.
00:16:12.000 Like, really go for it.
00:16:13.000 And I was like, for real?
00:16:15.000 She's like, yeah, like, try to knock me off my feet. 0.97
00:16:18.000 Like, kiss me.
00:16:19.000 So I was like, okay.
00:16:21.000 I'm thinking about it. 0.99
00:16:21.000 I'm going to fucking... 0.99
00:16:22.000 Walk up. 0.99
00:16:24.000 And as soon as...
00:16:25.000 And then she kissed back. 0.99
00:16:27.000 And I was like, what the fuck is happening? 0.99
00:16:28.000 This is different. 1.00
00:16:29.000 Holy shit. 1.00
00:16:30.000 And then I'm like, costume change! 1.00
00:16:33.000 I need tape!
00:16:34.000 I need tape!
00:16:36.000 Someone get me ice! 1.00
00:16:38.000 Are you allowed to talk about that?
00:16:40.000 You're not supposed to.
00:16:41.000 You're supposed to say, like, you're supposed to say, here, ask me what the kissing scene was like.
00:16:45.000 What was the kissing scene like?
00:16:47.000 You know, it was good.
00:16:48.000 It's just acting.
00:16:49.000 It's just acting.
00:16:50.000 It's what we do as actors.
00:16:52.000 Which is true. 0.98
00:16:53.000 Yeah, well, it is for some people, but it's also a fucking hardcore lie. 0.99
00:16:56.000 It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie. 1.00
00:16:59.000 It's because you make out with her a couple times, you're like, that was fucking nice. 0.99
00:17:02.000 I wonder what it's like. 0.98
00:17:02.000 And then you're laying in bed going, hmm, hmm. 0.98
00:17:05.000 And Jennifer Aniston's texting, you're like, pass, pass. 0.99
00:17:07.000 Like, fucking Leanne, we did the kissing scene all day. 1.00
00:17:10.000 All day, I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes, 35 minutes. 1.00
00:17:13.000 Kissed her.
00:17:14.000 Like, got comfortable kissing her.
00:17:15.000 And then we got in bed in Serbia and Leanne's like, hey, you wanna...
00:17:19.000 I was like, beat it, scissor lips. 0.99
00:17:21.000 I was like, I'm fucking... 0.99
00:17:22.000 I'll come back to you when I need to. 0.99
00:17:25.000 Oh, how rude.
00:17:27.000 My wife's got a good sense of humor. 1.00
00:17:29.000 I hope so.
00:17:30.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:17:31.000 The whole fucking... 0.99
00:17:32.000 I mean, the whole movie in general was like... 0.99
00:17:34.000 I was not... 0.99
00:17:35.000 I ripped my fucking arm. 0.99
00:17:36.000 I blew my arm out, but... 0.99
00:17:38.000 What is it like to have a story get turned into a movie? 0.99
00:17:41.000 That's gotta be weird as fuck. 0.97
00:17:43.000 Uh... 0.98
00:17:44.000 Like a story that you kind of have to tell now.
00:17:49.000 If you do a show and you don't tell the machine story, people will get angry at you.
00:17:54.000 They did it last time I was here.
00:17:56.000 Yeah.
00:17:57.000 We were up here and they started chanting the machines.
00:18:00.000 And I was like, guys, I'm at the Comedy Mothership.
00:18:02.000 I'm just in an hour 15. And that was the best.
00:18:05.000 That was one of the cool... 0.99
00:18:06.000 That's the coolest thing about that goddamn club is I see fucking Ron up in the top and I go, I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells Tater Salad. 0.99
00:18:14.000 And the place is like, Ron White's here? 1.00
00:18:17.000 And Ron's like, fuck it, I'm coming down! 0.99
00:18:20.000 Ron White comes on stage, tells Tater Salad. 1.00
00:18:23.000 I go to tell the machine and realize I can't follow Tater Salad!
00:18:27.000 The best story ever told!
00:18:28.000 So, it's surreal having your life turned into a movie.
00:18:32.000 It's surreal.
00:18:33.000 It was emotional at times, and then it's weird because I feel very vulnerable.
00:18:39.000 Because some of the questions people ask, they put teeth in it.
00:18:45.000 They're like, so you rob people.
00:18:47.000 And you're like, okay.
00:18:48.000 Jesus Christ.
00:18:49.000 So you approve of what the mafia does.
00:18:51.000 You're like into the mafia.
00:18:53.000 And I'm like...
00:18:54.000 Hey, man, can we not make this for real?
00:18:56.000 You're keeping your eyes open while we kiss. 0.98
00:18:57.000 Let's fucking just make it regular, like Good Morning America. 0.99
00:19:04.000 So they got upset with the premise? 0.98
00:19:07.000 They read half of it, and then they're like, so you're in the mafia?
00:19:12.000 And you're like, no, it's a little more complex.
00:19:14.000 No, but you got welcomed into the mafia, and you're like, Yeah, kind of.
00:19:20.000 It's better when you hear the whole story.
00:19:22.000 I think I tell it a little different.
00:19:23.000 And they're like, and you robbed your friends.
00:19:25.000 Are they cool with you now?
00:19:26.000 And I'm like, yeah, yeah.
00:19:28.000 Some of them are coming to the premiere. 1.00
00:19:29.000 Like, fucking Jesus Christ. 1.00
00:19:31.000 Can we move to the next subject? 1.00
00:19:33.000 I don't believe in vaccines!
00:19:39.000 Oh my god.
00:19:41.000 Yeah, it's been interesting.
00:19:42.000 It's been fun.
00:19:43.000 I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how wide this story has reached.
00:19:51.000 Like, I didn't expect certain people to be, like, fans of mine.
00:19:55.000 Like, and I know that sounds, like, bad, but, like...
00:20:00.000 When you look at your audiences, my audience kind of looks like the same one thing.
00:20:04.000 Guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve, they all have beards, they're all a little overweight.
00:20:09.000 That's my fan base.
00:20:12.000 I literally go, hey man, I can tell you the sponsors I can get for my tour.
00:20:15.000 Lipitor would be a good sponsor.
00:20:17.000 Some blood pressure medicine.
00:20:19.000 Some beard trimmers.
00:20:20.000 Not Lipitor.
00:20:21.000 I know we're talking about statins.
00:20:24.000 But I know my fan base. 0.97
00:20:26.000 And then you get dudes who are like, I fucking love you. 0.98
00:20:30.000 Like Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood. 0.99
00:20:32.000 I was like, you know who I am?
00:20:34.000 He was like, yeah, why wouldn't I? I was like, I don't know, I just didn't think.
00:20:37.000 You know, like Nori from Dream Champs.
00:20:39.000 He's like, dude, I'm the best. 0.52
00:20:41.000 He goes, I told my wife, we got my favorite comedian coming on, and she's like, you mean the big fat white guy who takes his shirt off?
00:20:47.000 And you're like, wait, when you're younger, you try so hard to appeal to all demographics.
00:20:53.000 It's like fake.
00:20:55.000 And then once you're yourself, You're truly yourself.
00:20:58.000 That's when you appeal.
00:20:59.000 That's when you're the most appealing.
00:21:01.000 Does that make sense?
00:21:02.000 It does make sense.
00:21:03.000 Yeah.
00:21:04.000 Because it's hard to do.
00:21:05.000 It's hard to do publicly.
00:21:07.000 Yeah.
00:21:08.000 It's hard to be, you know, yourself publicly.
00:21:12.000 Especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly, you start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix.
00:21:19.000 Oh my god, for sure.
00:21:20.000 You start going like, yeah, I don't want to...
00:21:22.000 Secret Time?
00:21:25.000 Well, this will air.
00:21:27.000 It'll be fine.
00:21:28.000 The premiere's tomorrow.
00:21:29.000 I'm flying back tonight for the premiere. 0.99
00:21:30.000 The premiere list is fucking thick. 1.00
00:21:33.000 It's fucking thick. 0.99
00:21:35.000 It's my algorithm. 1.00
00:21:37.000 It's Snoop Dogg porn stars and fucking radio DJs. 1.00
00:21:40.000 A couple pro servers. 1.00
00:21:43.000 It's my algorithm.
00:21:45.000 My watch dealer.
00:21:48.000 But...
00:21:51.000 Mark Hamill was like, are you going to stay and watch the movie?
00:21:55.000 And I was like, are we not supposed to?
00:21:57.000 He was like, I'm not going to watch myself on screen.
00:21:59.000 And I was like, why?
00:22:00.000 And he was like, oh, are you being serious?
00:22:02.000 He's like, you want to just sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself?
00:22:08.000 I was like, hey, Mark, secret time.
00:22:10.000 I'm going to cry watching myself.
00:22:12.000 I'm going to cry and I'm going to mouth my lines.
00:22:14.000 I did that when we did the first testing of the movie.
00:22:18.000 They sat me in the front row.
00:22:19.000 I had two bottles of wine.
00:22:20.000 I sat with Leanne.
00:22:21.000 I had a notebook.
00:22:21.000 I was supposed to write things in for notes.
00:22:24.000 The movie starts and I start bawling crying.
00:22:26.000 I start bawling crying and I start mouthing my lines.
00:22:29.000 I'm laughing hysterically.
00:22:31.000 I'm like, I loved watching me.
00:22:34.000 More than a narcissist would ever like...
00:22:36.000 It was like the craziest thing.
00:22:37.000 So we go to the next screening and Kale, our producer, pulls me aside and he goes, I'm gonna ask you to sit in the back.
00:22:43.000 I said, what?
00:22:44.000 And he goes, it kind of affects the way people watch the movie.
00:22:47.000 I said, what do you mean? 0.99
00:22:47.000 He goes, I don't know if they're fucking crying like it's Cape Fear but gay. 0.99
00:22:51.000 He goes, fucking sit in the back. 1.00
00:22:54.000 So the next time I sat in the back, but I get emotional watching the movie because I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel. 0.99
00:23:00.000 Like I remember doing all these things and now they're all cut cool.
00:23:02.000 And so I was like, I don't know.
00:23:04.000 I guess.
00:23:04.000 I don't know.
00:23:05.000 I think I'll watch the movie.
00:23:07.000 I guess I would.
00:23:09.000 But Mark's not going to watch it.
00:23:10.000 Secret time.
00:23:12.000 Well, that's not very secret, and I get both perspectives.
00:23:16.000 Like, you made it.
00:23:17.000 It seems weird that he would, like, he's trying to, like, enforce that on you.
00:23:23.000 No, no, he was just like, he was like, you're cool with that?
00:23:26.000 Like, I've heard a few people, like, there are people like, do you listen to your own podcast?
00:23:31.000 No.
00:23:32.000 Okay, I can throw on an old...
00:23:33.000 But I might if it's, like, if it's a Huberman podcast or one of those ones where I'm going to try to implement whatever they're talking about.
00:23:41.000 Yeah.
00:23:42.000 So maybe with those I would listen to it again just to try to remember.
00:23:45.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:23:46.000 And write shit down. 0.98
00:23:48.000 Because he gives you so many different beneficial things. 0.99
00:23:53.000 You have to kind of go back and write them down and try to keep track of them.
00:23:58.000 There's certain people who can listen to their own...
00:24:01.000 I can throw on an old two bears from during the pandemic, and I will...
00:24:04.000 It's like a warm blanket.
00:24:06.000 I go, I remember that day.
00:24:07.000 I remember that.
00:24:08.000 It's fun.
00:24:09.000 So I'm going to sit and watch myself in the movie theater.
00:24:12.000 I want to see 750 people.
00:24:14.000 Why not?
00:24:15.000 Yeah, right?
00:24:15.000 Why not?
00:24:16.000 It's your movie.
00:24:17.000 Dude.
00:24:18.000 It's just weird that people would think that that's weird.
00:24:21.000 It's like, of course you want to see your movie.
00:24:24.000 You want to see people see your movie, too.
00:24:26.000 They said to me, when are you getting to the red carpet?
00:24:28.000 And I said, well, the movie starts at 7 and the red carpet opens at 3, so maybe like 2.30.
00:24:33.000 And they're like, wait, what do you mean?
00:24:34.000 I go, it's a premiere of my movie.
00:24:37.000 I want to be on the red carpet as long as I can.
00:24:39.000 And they're like, no, you need to show up at like 6 o'clock.
00:24:41.000 And then you're the last one on.
00:24:43.000 And I'm like, wait, I'm going to miss all the people?
00:24:45.000 Like, I thought I'd be like, hey, welcome to the red carpet.
00:24:48.000 You know, like, it's okay to see you. 0.99
00:24:49.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
00:24:49.000 Give them a hug and see people. 0.99
00:24:51.000 And they're like, no, you're in a movie now.
00:24:54.000 You need to be like...
00:24:55.000 And I was like, oh, that's not how I'm going to do it.
00:24:56.000 So I changed the red carpet.
00:24:58.000 I changed it.
00:24:59.000 Really? 0.97
00:25:00.000 Yeah, I fucking just changed it. 0.94
00:25:01.000 I was like, that's not how we're doing it. 0.96
00:25:02.000 We're doing it like waste management. 1.00
00:25:04.000 It's a fucking party. 1.00
00:25:05.000 People are drinking beers. 1.00
00:25:06.000 Fans have access. 0.99
00:25:07.000 Let's fucking throw back. 0.99
00:25:08.000 And I'm going to be here the whole time. 0.99
00:25:10.000 I'm going to fucking host it. 0.99
00:25:11.000 I don't give a shit. 1.00
00:25:12.000 Like, I'm going to fucking party. 1.00
00:25:13.000 If Snoop Dogg comes walking down the red carpet, you don't think I'm going to run over and take a picture with him? 1.00
00:25:17.000 Come on.
00:25:18.000 You know me, Joe.
00:25:19.000 I am not a play it cool guy.
00:25:23.000 I'm not a play it cool guy.
00:25:24.000 I don't know how to play it cool.
00:25:25.000 I do it the way I do it.
00:25:26.000 I like it. 1.00
00:25:27.000 You only get one run at this fucking life. 1.00
00:25:29.000 Yeah, also, fuck playing it cool. 1.00
00:25:32.000 Just be whoever you are. 1.00
00:25:33.000 Do you know what it was?
00:25:34.000 I've been trying to work this as a bit, a little bit, but I can't.
00:25:41.000 I had a weird morning.
00:25:43.000 No shade on anybody.
00:25:45.000 I had a weird morning where I worked out with Arnold Schwarzenegger and I ran into Edward Norton at breakfast within an hour.
00:25:52.000 Like, in Santa Monica.
00:25:53.000 It was really crazy.
00:25:54.000 Now, I watched two, arguably, movie stars.
00:25:56.000 Movie stars.
00:25:57.000 Arnold Schwarzenegger and Edward Norton interact in public. 0.99
00:26:00.000 Edward Norton's cool as fuck. 0.94
00:26:02.000 He's Dude Fight Club, one of my favorite movies ever. 0.99
00:26:04.000 The one where he plays the guy with the two accents. 0.99
00:26:07.000 That's fucking... 0.99
00:26:08.000 He's an awesome dude. 0.99
00:26:10.000 But when I recognized him and I gave him energy, like when I recognized him, you could see him just be like, uh-huh, yeah, okay, cool.
00:26:16.000 Like, just kind of like, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
00:26:18.000 Arnold Schwarzenegger, when he gets recognized, he gives you, he matches your energy.
00:26:24.000 He gives you the thing you want.
00:26:26.000 The moment you want, when he comes up on TV and people go, I met Arnold Schwarzenegger, they go, how was he? 0.97
00:26:31.000 Not one person, maybe I'm sure there's people that say bad things, but like, everyone I met, when I watched him interact with people, Fucking loved him. 0.82
00:26:41.000 He was the coolest dude. 0.89
00:26:42.000 You know what he was, Joe?
00:26:44.000 He was like a movie star.
00:26:46.000 He was like a...
00:26:47.000 He brought the 1980s, hey, it's good to see you.
00:26:52.000 Hey, Bart, come here, let me tell you.
00:26:53.000 I've got an accent, but he's like... 1.00
00:26:55.000 Can I just tell you, I think with some sensitive people, I think your happy, fun guy energy sometimes throws people off.
00:27:04.000 You could be there.
00:27:05.000 And they're like, gotta get out of here. 0.99
00:27:08.000 Because you're like, oh my god, it's fucking Ed Norton! 0.99
00:27:11.000 I went like this, Joe. 0.99
00:27:12.000 I went like, oh!
00:27:13.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:27:14.000 Like, dude, that guy can't handle that.
00:27:16.000 He poor guy was like, and I tagged him in Instagram.
00:27:18.000 He's a really nice guy.
00:27:20.000 I had him on the podcast.
00:27:21.000 He's really interesting.
00:27:23.000 For real?
00:27:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:27:24.000 Dude, he's the, he is, he's my Hulk.
00:27:27.000 He's the best Hulk.
00:27:28.000 He's the best Hulk.
00:27:29.000 He's the best Hulk.
00:27:29.000 He's the best Hulk.
00:27:30.000 Yeah, he's the best Hulk.
00:27:31.000 Dude, that movie where he does the dude with two accents, you know the movie I'm talking about? 0.95
00:27:33.000 But that Mark Ruffalo Hulk is pretty fucking good, too. 0.98
00:27:36.000 Pretty fucking good. 0.98
00:27:37.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99
00:27:38.000 It's a fucking toss-up, dude. 0.99
00:27:40.000 It's a toss-up. 0.99
00:27:41.000 And the Avengers...
00:27:42.000 Ed Norton's my guy.
00:27:42.000 When Leanne dumped me, when Leanne dumped me, I watched Fight Club on repeat over and over and over and over again.
00:27:47.000 When they play the Pixies at the end of the fucking movie, Where Is My Mind? 0.99
00:27:52.000 And he said... 0.99
00:27:53.000 And the buildings are crumbling...
00:27:57.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:27:57.000 Ed Norton's my motherfucker. 1.00
00:27:58.000 He's a dude. 0.99
00:27:59.000 I love that guy.
00:28:00.000 But you're right.
00:28:00.000 My energy might have fucking freaked him out.
00:28:02.000 I freaked out Tom Cruise real bad. 0.98
00:28:04.000 You probably freak people out, man.
00:28:05.000 You probably freak people out.
00:28:07.000 You got a lot going on.
00:28:08.000 There's a lot happening.
00:28:10.000 It's all positive, but it's like for some people, it's like there's too much sensory input here.
00:28:16.000 Yeah.
00:28:16.000 I gotta get out of here.
00:28:18.000 Leanne says I cast a large wake.
00:28:19.000 That's a good way of putting it.
00:28:21.000 That's a healthy way of putting it.
00:28:23.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:28:24.000 It was really tough doing the movie because everyone was fucking Eastern European. 1.00
00:28:28.000 And my sense of humor is not Eastern European. 0.98
00:28:32.000 Did they understand?
00:28:34.000 No.
00:28:34.000 No?
00:28:35.000 No.
00:28:35.000 They thought...
00:28:36.000 The words, I guess, when you...
00:28:38.000 Look, I'm not an expert, but the words in the Slavic language or whatever they speak in Serbia to explain me, the words they use are unpredictable.
00:28:49.000 Yeah.
00:28:51.000 Explosive.
00:28:51.000 I think those are the words that you would use that personality.
00:28:55.000 There was a scene in the movie with my co-star that in order to do it, she had to be put into a cast and she couldn't move.
00:29:06.000 And she wasn't comfortable doing it with me because the words to describe me are, he's unpredictable, you don't know what he's going to do.
00:29:13.000 I think in English, I just think our, this is a horrible thing to say, but I think our language is more slangy, so we get things a little easier.
00:29:22.000 I know when I was in Russia, they didn't have a lot of slangs.
00:29:24.000 Like, that wasn't their thing.
00:29:25.000 Because, you know, in a communist government, you want to make sure your words mean what you say.
00:29:30.000 That's why it's funny when I said I was the machine, because it's like the craziest thing you'd say to someone, your car?
00:29:39.000 And then you're like, yeah, and then he's a car!
00:29:42.000 He's a machine!
00:29:43.000 He's the machine!
00:29:44.000 Like, it was just funny that I would say that because they don't, slangs aren't their thing. 1.00
00:29:49.000 So she didn't want to do the scene with me. 0.56
00:29:51.000 Oh, isn't, yeah, isn't that, doesn't that mean car in Russian?
00:29:56.000 Yeah.
00:29:57.000 La machina.
00:29:57.000 La machina, right.
00:29:59.000 And I just walked in the door and said, I'm a car.
00:30:01.000 That's, isn't that, that's in John Wick 2. Yeah, I think it might be.
00:30:06.000 And he calls the dude up and says, you have La Machina?
00:30:09.000 You have my car?
00:30:11.000 Remember? 0.99
00:30:12.000 That's the scene where he's got the fucking 69 Mustang? 0.98
00:30:15.000 Dude, let me tell you something. 0.99
00:30:18.000 Keanu Reeves? 1.00
00:30:20.000 That's the motherfucker. 1.00
00:30:22.000 After you do an action scene and then you watch John Wick, you're like, that's learning the ballet. 0.99
00:30:30.000 Like that guy, those things he does in that movie, they are, I would argue, someone like you who's into martial arts and knows how to use his body, I'd be interested to see you, that would be a cool thing to see you do one of the John Wick sequences.
00:30:48.000 Does that interest you at all?
00:30:49.000 Those badass sequences that he does?
00:30:52.000 Like movies?
00:30:54.000 No, no, no, no, no.
00:30:54.000 Just for fun.
00:30:56.000 You know, we go out and we shoot with Taron, and we learn the John Wick guns and stuff?
00:31:01.000 If they had a class where you could just go, hey man, for this week we're going to teach you a John Wick sequence, just to see if you could learn it.
00:31:08.000 Because it's really...
00:31:09.000 It's very complex.
00:31:11.000 A very simple fight scene.
00:31:12.000 I punched like three dudes on a movie.
00:31:14.000 Because I don't...
00:31:15.000 I just am not... 1.00
00:31:16.000 I get overexcited and I just would punch them. 0.98
00:31:19.000 But they were like cage fighters. 1.00
00:31:20.000 So they're like, I don't give a fuck. 1.00
00:31:21.000 Just hit me. 1.00
00:31:22.000 I'd rather you hit me than it not look good. 1.00
00:31:24.000 Right.
00:31:25.000 But what John Wick does, I couldn't do that.
00:31:30.000 That's like somersaults and sliding your leg underneath people's legs to leverage them.
00:31:36.000 No, especially in the first movie.
00:31:39.000 Look at this. 0.99
00:31:40.000 In John Wick 1, that scene where he goes through the disco, the Red Circle Club, that fucking scene is insane. 0.99
00:31:48.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:31:49.000 I mean, but here's what's weird about it.
00:31:53.000 Look, I love that movie.
00:31:55.000 Yeah.
00:31:56.000 But why?
00:31:58.000 It's the sexy assassin that you root for. 1.00
00:32:03.000 The whole thing is like, have we forgiven his past where he worked for the Russian mob and killed how many fucking people that didn't deserve to be killed? 1.00
00:32:12.000 He was the guy you sent in to kill people. 0.99
00:32:14.000 It's the weirdest sort of hero that's ever existed.
00:32:19.000 Because it's so satisfying because they killed his puppy.
00:32:24.000 Dude, I thought you were going to say that.
00:32:26.000 That's why we like him.
00:32:26.000 It's because his dog.
00:32:28.000 It's one of the fucking greatest scenes ever in a movie that sets up what the movie is about. 0.99
00:32:35.000 When the Russian guy is talking to his son and he punches his son. 0.98
00:32:41.000 And he said, what? 1.00
00:32:42.000 I stole a fucking car. 1.00
00:32:43.000 And he punches his son in the stomach. 1.00
00:32:45.000 And then he pops open the liquor and he goes, my son, it's not what you did, it's who you did it to.
00:32:52.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:32:52.000 And he goes, who, that fucking nobody? 0.99
00:32:55.000 And he just goes, that fucking nobody is John Wick. 1.00
00:33:00.000 John Wick. 0.99
00:33:01.000 It's one of the greatest fucking scenes ever to set up how the movie's going to set up. 0.98
00:33:06.000 It's a nice jacket. 0.95
00:33:08.000 Thanks.
00:33:08.000 Yeah.
00:33:17.000 Like in this scene, you're going, what the fuck is going on? 0.99
00:33:20.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:33:21.000 Should I go?
00:33:22.000 There you go.
00:33:26.000 English, please, come on. 0.98
00:33:27.000 Stay, goddammit! 0.94
00:33:29.000 What did I do? 0.99
00:33:33.000 We did what you asked. 0.99
00:33:35.000 No one saw shit. 1.00
00:33:49.000 Oh! 1.00
00:34:13.000 It's not what you did, son.
00:34:16.000 It angers me, son.
00:34:18.000 It's who you did it to.
00:34:19.000 Who? 1.00
00:34:21.000 The fucking nobody? 1.00
00:34:23.000 That fucking nobody... 1.00
00:34:26.000 is John Wick. 1.00
00:34:30.000 Dude, what a cool fucking scene. 1.00
00:34:32.000 What a fucking cool scene. 1.00
00:34:34.000 Look at this. 1.00
00:34:34.000 Oh, fucking look at this. 1.00
00:34:36.000 My movie's not this good, Joe. 1.00
00:34:38.000 It's not this good.
00:34:39.000 The sexy assassin? 0.96
00:34:41.000 You just...
00:34:42.000 Look at his body.
00:34:43.000 You just awoken the sexy assassin. 1.00
00:34:49.000 My movie might be the exact opposite of this.
00:34:52.000 The scene gets even better.
00:34:54.000 The whole thing is when they explain who John Wick is. 0.99
00:34:59.000 That fucking movie was so fun. 0.99
00:35:01.000 But it's like, why is that fun? 1.00
00:35:03.000 Why do you root for him? 0.99
00:35:04.000 Why are you rooting for this guy to just kill everybody over his dog? 0.97
00:35:08.000 It's like, just to get to this one guy to get revenge.
00:35:12.000 That guy is the same guy from Game of Thrones.
00:35:15.000 Yes.
00:35:15.000 He plays a bad guy so good.
00:35:18.000 Yes, he does.
00:35:20.000 The Game of Thrones character, oh my god. 1.00
00:35:22.000 I may have a hard time ever seeing him as anything else than the guy that ate his dick on Game of Thrones. 1.00
00:35:30.000 Spoiler alert. 1.00
00:35:34.000 Were you a Game of Thrones guy?
00:35:35.000 Loved it.
00:35:36.000 Dude, were you a House of Dragons guy?
00:35:37.000 I loved both.
00:35:39.000 Me too.
00:35:39.000 Yeah, they're great.
00:35:40.000 I love that.
00:35:41.000 They're both great.
00:35:42.000 Yeah.
00:35:42.000 Oh, they're so fun.
00:35:43.000 They're both really good.
00:35:45.000 I mean, you can't fault it.
00:35:47.000 It's super solid.
00:35:48.000 I think it takes a long time to make one of those, though.
00:35:51.000 Dude.
00:35:52.000 That has got to be like, Game of Thrones must be one of the most complex shows to ever choreograph and film the CGI. It's a movie.
00:36:03.000 You're making a movie every week.
00:36:05.000 Yeah.
00:36:06.000 Man, the woman that plays Cersei in that is so beautiful.
00:36:11.000 She's just like...
00:36:14.000 I mean, one is just a stunning...
00:36:16.000 I've gone to her, like, Googled her name.
00:36:18.000 I forget her name, but I've Googled her and just looked at pictures of her.
00:36:21.000 She's got a little space between her teeth. 1.00
00:36:23.000 Man, quit with the fucking fixing what you think is your flaw. 1.00
00:36:26.000 Flaws are so fucking sexy. 1.00
00:36:29.000 Leanne fixed one of her flaws, and I fucking hate it. 0.99
00:36:32.000 She had a little hole, like a dilated pore hole right here on her cheek. 1.00
00:36:35.000 And I loved it. 0.99
00:36:36.000 I fucking loved it. 0.97
00:36:37.000 It made her look unique. 0.99
00:36:38.000 I loved it.
00:36:39.000 And a little crooked tooth.
00:36:41.000 Oh, whoa.
00:36:43.000 I'll stop talking about my wife. 1.00
00:36:45.000 Holy shit. 1.00
00:36:46.000 Jesus, Bert. 1.00
00:36:47.000 Lena Headley.
00:36:48.000 Jesus, keep it together, Bert.
00:36:50.000 Yes, beautiful lady. 0.99
00:36:51.000 She was in fucking 300. That's right. 0.99
00:36:58.000 She is. 1.00
00:36:58.000 300 was a shit. 1.00
00:37:01.000 Yeah, I'm not one of those. 0.99
00:37:03.000 Like, I'm not, I couldn't do, like, I couldn't do other people's movies.
00:37:06.000 I could just, I just want to be a movie star.
00:37:09.000 I want to do Fat Astronauts.
00:37:11.000 If this movie does well, hey guys, if the machine does well this weekend, we're getting a green light on Fat Astronauts Monday.
00:37:18.000 Well...
00:37:19.000 I think it's gonna do awesome.
00:37:20.000 I hope it does.
00:37:21.000 I hope it does.
00:37:21.000 It looks fun.
00:37:23.000 Everybody's gonna love it.
00:37:25.000 It's gonna be a good time.
00:37:26.000 Go out to the movie theaters, everybody.
00:37:27.000 Go to the machine.movie, get your tickets, and go enjoy the movies this weekend.
00:37:32.000 How many movie theaters got hit real hard because of the pandemic?
00:37:36.000 A lot.
00:37:37.000 Must be most of them, right? 0.94
00:37:39.000 What really sucks are the mom-and-pop ones.
00:37:41.000 So there's the mom-and-pop ones usually in Asian communities that do Asian films.
00:37:48.000 I know there's one in Korea I just read an article about that is fighting to stay around because it's in Little Korea or Koreatown.
00:37:58.000 And it just does.
00:37:59.000 It's a mom and pop.
00:38:00.000 Their concession stand looks like you're at a concession stand, like at a ballpark, like a Little League ballpark.
00:38:07.000 And I think those are the ones that took the big hits because they do have high rents because they're big spaces, but they don't have a company behind them to support them.
00:38:15.000 Right, that makes sense.
00:38:16.000 Kevin Smith just bought the movie theater that he used to go to as a kid.
00:38:19.000 Oh, really?
00:38:20.000 What's that? 1.00
00:38:21.000 Ah, fuck, I don't listen well. 1.00
00:38:22.000 He said it. 1.00
00:38:23.000 It was in Jersey, right?
00:38:25.000 It was in Jersey.
00:38:26.000 It used to be a two-screen, now it's a five-screen.
00:38:29.000 We're going to do a screening of the machine out there, I think, this coming month.
00:38:33.000 Kevin Smith was one of the first guys to figure out to do...
00:38:36.000 He, like, had a theater to do his podcast in.
00:38:39.000 Remember?
00:38:40.000 We just did a Two Bears, me and Kevin.
00:38:42.000 Like, he was a guest bear.
00:38:44.000 Guest bear.
00:38:45.000 And he, uh...
00:38:46.000 He, um...
00:38:49.000 He walked me through it, and it's funny to hear him talk about podcasting and what he was doing.
00:38:56.000 It's almost like, imagine if our two timelines were like this, but he was doing it like 10 years before that.
00:39:01.000 Doing theaters, doing his podcast, doing that, and then all of a sudden he's like, and then Carolla got his podcast, and I'm like, wait, wait, hold on.
00:39:08.000 You were doing theaters and stuff?
00:39:10.000 And he was talking about the money they were getting at those times.
00:39:13.000 He was doing it for free at colleges and didn't know you could get paid to do it.
00:39:18.000 No kidding.
00:39:19.000 Yeah.
00:39:19.000 Kevin Smith, man, he said, he goes, what?
00:39:22.000 Because, you know, he was like complimenting me that I was doing well.
00:39:25.000 He goes, what's the secret?
00:39:26.000 And I go, the secret is watch what Kevin Smith did 10 years ago and start doing it today.
00:39:31.000 He's a badass, dude.
00:39:33.000 He's a very cool guy.
00:39:34.000 He changed, him and that group changed cinema Forever.
00:39:38.000 I mean, they created that whole independent filmmaking in like 95, 97 or something?
00:39:45.000 They certainly were a big part of it.
00:39:47.000 You know, independent filmmaking has always been really interesting because every now and then... 0.98
00:39:52.000 There's a great fucking movie that you just don't hear about. 0.98
00:39:56.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:39:56.000 Because someone made it on a shoestring budget and they pieced it together with their uncle's money. 0.99
00:40:02.000 Did you ever see the movie Run, Lola, Run?
00:40:04.000 No.
00:40:05.000 Joe.
00:40:06.000 Joe.
00:40:08.000 Joe.
00:40:08.000 What's it about, Bert?
00:40:10.000 It's about a fucking chick. 1.00
00:40:12.000 Who just runs? 1.00
00:40:14.000 Just all day?
00:40:15.000 She's got to get from point A to point B to like save her boyfriend or something. 1.00
00:40:22.000 And she gets a phone call?
00:40:23.000 Is this?
00:40:24.000 Hang on.
00:40:25.000 Oh, this is...
00:40:26.000 So wait.
00:40:27.000 Play it from the beginning so we can see what the thing is.
00:40:31.000 Okay.
00:40:37.000 Every second of every day...
00:40:43.000 You make a choice.
00:40:47.000 I can change your life.
00:41:04.000 Okay.
00:41:06.000 And she has to get from point A to point B, and she runs the whole way there, but stuff happened in between, and it's, oh yeah, her husband's robbing someone, I guess.
00:41:16.000 It's a foreign film that you literally are on the edge of your seats. 0.97
00:41:21.000 It's one of those movies where you're like, small budget, just fucking good. 0.90
00:41:26.000 Yeah, they exist.
00:41:28.000 Just probably hard to publicize them, probably hard to find.
00:41:31.000 But you know, then there's also small-budget movies that are terrible that are awesome, too.
00:41:35.000 The one with Franco? 0.92
00:41:36.000 Like, really bad movies are fucking amazing, because if they're not trying to be funny, but they are funny. 0.97
00:41:43.000 Yeah. 0.90
00:41:44.000 Like, what was the one, The Room?
00:41:47.000 The Room, where one James Franco and Seth Rogen remade.
00:41:50.000 That's right, that's right.
00:41:51.000 I mean, how crazy bad does a movie have to be where people make a movie about your movie about how bad it was?
00:41:58.000 Yeah.
00:42:01.000 But that can happen.
00:42:02.000 Those are great too.
00:42:04.000 I love me a bad movie.
00:42:07.000 I really do.
00:42:08.000 Some of them are just so enjoyable. 0.99
00:42:10.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 0.99
00:42:12.000 What was the movie I used to love growing up that I was like, oh, like Clueless. 0.99
00:42:20.000 How about Roadhouse?
00:42:21.000 Oh, dude.
00:42:22.000 Roadhouse is one of the best bad movies of all time.
00:42:25.000 He grips his throat out of his neck by the river. 1.00
00:42:29.000 It's the fucking... 1.00
00:42:30.000 It's so goofy. 1.00
00:42:32.000 Blade, right boot. 0.79
00:42:33.000 Everything is awesome about it.
00:42:35.000 Everything.
00:42:35.000 Pain don't hurt.
00:42:37.000 Everything is awesome about it.
00:42:38.000 He walks around with his own record transcripts of his injuries.
00:42:43.000 Wow, you've been cut up. 0.99
00:42:44.000 It's because he's had so many fucking injuries. 1.00
00:42:45.000 He brings a folder with him. 0.99
00:42:46.000 He brings a folder with him? 1.00
00:42:48.000 She's fucking hot. 1.00
00:42:49.000 She's hot as fuck. 1.00
00:42:50.000 The doctor falls in love with the sexy bouncer. 1.00
00:42:53.000 It's a fucking amazingly stupid movie. 1.00
00:42:57.000 Patrick Swayze, he's so beautiful! 1.00
00:42:59.000 He's so beautiful!
00:43:01.000 Wait, they're remaking it with Conor McGregor, you know that?
00:43:03.000 Yes, yes.
00:43:04.000 And Jake Gyllenhaal. 1.00
00:43:09.000 Look at this fucking stupid movie! 1.00
00:43:12.000 Chicken dick! 1.00
00:43:15.000 Look at his hands. 1.00
00:43:20.000 What do you want, a kiss and make up?
00:43:29.000 Jesus Christ.
00:43:31.000 Every group had one fat guy that was like their tough guy.
00:43:35.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:43:35.000 I mean, they're all stabbing each other and shit. 1.00
00:43:37.000 Oh, it cuts him. 1.00
00:43:44.000 Oh my god, this is so stupid. 1.00
00:43:50.000 Everything looked kind of corny and fake. 1.00
00:43:55.000 Compare that to an action scene in a really good movie.
00:44:01.000 Oh, yeah.
00:44:02.000 Especially now.
00:44:03.000 I think people don't tolerate this kind of, like, obviously choreographed fake violence anymore.
00:44:10.000 It just looks a little too corny.
00:44:12.000 Yeah.
00:44:12.000 But back then, it didn't seem corny.
00:44:15.000 It was amazing what didn't seem corny.
00:44:17.000 It was good back then.
00:44:18.000 There's so many movies that when we were kids, we were like, this is a great movie.
00:44:22.000 And you watch it now, you're like, Jesus Christ. 0.99
00:44:26.000 This movie sucks! 0.99
00:44:27.000 Because you think they're so good! 1.00
00:44:29.000 Because the culture has evolved.
00:44:31.000 It's moved into a new direction.
00:44:34.000 Oh, it's done that with comedy too, like the comedies that we like.
00:44:37.000 Yeah.
00:44:37.000 You watch them now, and they're like, horrifically racist.
00:44:41.000 So many of them are trans... 1.00
00:44:43.000 Look, fucking, we were talking about Ace Ventura. 1.00
00:44:47.000 He's crazy transphobic. 1.00
00:44:49.000 Dan Marino throws up because he made out with a dude. 1.00
00:44:53.000 The whole fucking thing is like, it's so crazy. 1.00
00:44:56.000 And there is a complete, this is where trans people should spend their time getting rid of that fucking movie because they see the dick in the back of the pants and they all throw up! 1.00
00:45:08.000 And it's Shawn Young, who's gorgeous. 1.00
00:45:11.000 Yeah, she's beautiful. 0.87
00:45:16.000 Don't look.
00:45:19.000 Boy, that's really on there!
00:45:26.000 This scene is so crazy.
00:45:28.000 Yeah, this is great.
00:45:29.000 This scene is like he just rips her shirt apart.
00:45:31.000 Imagine that scene today.
00:45:33.000 To get rid of big old Mr. Knish!
00:45:40.000 She's in her bra and panties. 0.98
00:45:42.000 In her bra and panties.
00:45:43.000 He's ripping her clothes off in front of everybody. 0.79
00:45:45.000 Yeah.
00:45:46.000 In a comedy.
00:45:47.000 And she's just standing there for some strange reason?
00:45:50.000 Look at Dan Marino!
00:45:51.000 Look at Dan Marino!
00:45:52.000 Excuse me for just one second.
00:45:58.000 She's dazed like a cartoon character.
00:45:59.000 Like frozen in a video game, right?
00:46:04.000 Yeah.
00:46:04.000 She's seeing birds and stuff.
00:46:06.000 My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention.
00:46:11.000 Now...
00:46:13.000 History has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time.
00:46:20.000 But if I am mistaken, if the lieutenant is indeed a woman as she claims to be, then my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!
00:46:36.000 That's why Roger Decker is dead!
00:46:38.000 The Tuck.
00:46:40.000 Mr. Winkies! 0.99
00:46:43.000 They're all throwing up!
00:46:45.000 They're all throwing up!
00:46:46.000 Everyone's throwing up!
00:46:47.000 Everyone's throwing up!
00:46:48.000 He's cleaning his tongue!
00:46:50.000 The dolphin's freaking out!
00:46:56.000 This is a crazy scene.
00:46:59.000 That's how much culture's changed.
00:47:01.000 That's how much culture's changed.
00:47:03.000 That's how much culture's changed.
00:47:05.000 Yes, that's in our lifetimes.
00:47:06.000 This is 94. Yeah, 94, man.
00:47:09.000 94. I mean, we were watching, with the girls one time, 16 Candles.
00:47:16.000 Do you remember that movie?
00:47:17.000 Molly Ringwald?
00:47:18.000 Yes.
00:47:20.000 In it, they have the donger.
00:47:22.000 Long duck dong.
00:47:24.000 Remember the Asian guy?
00:47:25.000 Yes.
00:47:26.000 And all, all sexy girlfriend!
00:47:28.000 I mean, he got in trouble.
00:47:30.000 I think woke culture actually came after him for doing, I think, what they call yellowface, of acting up the Asian guy.
00:47:40.000 Oh, wow.
00:47:40.000 Yeah, and then they go to the party.
00:47:43.000 Jake's girlfriend...
00:47:44.000 My girls are watching this.
00:47:45.000 Jake's girlfriend passes out.
00:47:46.000 She's too drunk.
00:47:47.000 And he gives her to the nerds.
00:47:48.000 You guys take her for the night.
00:47:50.000 Have fun with her.
00:47:51.000 Here's my dad's car. 0.99
00:47:52.000 Anthony McCall fucks her. 1.00
00:47:53.000 He fucks her that night. 1.00
00:47:55.000 She's drunk. 0.99
00:47:55.000 She doesn't remember it. 0.99
00:47:56.000 They don't remember it. 0.99
00:47:57.000 They fuck that night. 0.99
00:47:58.000 That's one of the plot lines. 1.00
00:48:00.000 The section is...
00:48:01.000 Jake's a senior in high school.
00:48:02.000 She's 16... 0.99
00:48:05.000 Like, it's so problematic that my daughters couldn't enjoy it, and I go, just fucking let go of it. 1.00
00:48:10.000 Like, just watch the fucking thing. 1.00
00:48:12.000 And they're like, Dad, the girl's drunk. 1.00
00:48:14.000 Someone should help her.
00:48:15.000 They got her hair.
00:48:16.000 And you're like, oh yeah, that doesn't look cool.
00:48:19.000 Yeah, it's weird what people used to think was acceptable before it was depicted in the media.
00:48:24.000 Revenge of the Nerds. 0.99
00:48:25.000 The dude rapes her. 1.00
00:48:26.000 He puts on her boyfriend's clothing and rapes her. 1.00
00:48:30.000 Rapes her. 0.99
00:48:31.000 I don't remember that.
00:48:33.000 At the end, she's like in a bounce house with the lights off, right?
00:48:36.000 She's in a bounce house. 1.00
00:48:38.000 They're at the town fair.
00:48:39.000 He grabs the mask, her boyfriend's mask, the girl he's attracted to, puts it on, and he pretends to be Darth Vader.
00:48:46.000 He pretends to be her.
00:48:47.000 He follows her into the crazy with all the mirrors.
00:48:50.000 They land on the bounce house.
00:48:52.000 She's like, take the mask off. 1.00
00:48:53.000 And he's like, no, I'm going to leave it on. 0.99
00:48:54.000 And then he fucks her. 0.99
00:48:55.000 She doesn't know it's him. 1.00
00:48:56.000 He fucks her. 1.00
00:48:57.000 And then they get done, and he takes the mask off. 1.00
00:49:00.000 She goes, that was you?
00:49:02.000 And he's like, yeah.
00:49:03.000 She's like, it was so good.
00:49:07.000 If we're going to play by the rules, let's play by the rules, okay? 0.99
00:49:11.000 That groomed every child to see that, that if you can sneaky fuck a chick, but you did it good. 1.00
00:49:18.000 If you can rape her, but you did it good, then look. 1.00
00:49:22.000 You don't remember this? 1.00
00:49:23.000 No, no, no.
00:49:24.000 Leave it on. 1.00
00:49:32.000 That's fucked up. 0.99
00:49:33.000 What year was that? 0.99
00:49:34.000 It's gotta be 84. Sounds right.
00:49:40.000 I don't see a year right here.
00:49:43.000 I don't know.
00:49:44.000 That was like...
00:49:45.000 I mean, don't even start with Porky's.
00:49:47.000 Yeah, it's like the same time period.
00:49:49.000 Yeah.
00:49:50.000 And that was greenlit by executives?
00:49:52.000 That's a good scene.
00:49:53.000 84 is correct. 1.00
00:49:53.000 Good fucking scene. 1.00
00:49:55.000 1984. That's how much the world's changed. 1.00
00:50:01.000 That's crazy.
00:50:02.000 Insane.
00:50:03.000 And you're just talking about fight scenes.
00:50:06.000 But we're talking social commentary that's out there.
00:50:09.000 Yeah.
00:50:10.000 We're just talking about the way things are depicted in life.
00:50:16.000 You could never do that in a comedy now.
00:50:19.000 Imagine if someone tried to recreate that.
00:50:21.000 We...
00:50:24.000 At one point, in making the movie, I said to the—I'll say I said it to no one so no one ever gets in trouble, because I know that what I do is not what the studio's like, right?
00:50:33.000 When I talk.
00:50:33.000 I just talk to her honestly.
00:50:34.000 Because I don't know the fucking thing you're supposed to say. 0.99
00:50:37.000 I said, we fucked up to someone. 1.00
00:50:38.000 I said, we fucked up. 0.99
00:50:39.000 We should have nudity in this movie. 1.00
00:50:40.000 Like, we definitely should have had nudity. 0.99
00:50:42.000 Like, that was a fucking... 0.99
00:50:43.000 Because all the great old-school comedies had one gratuitous nude scene. 1.00
00:50:47.000 Right. 0.99
00:50:47.000 You know, back to school, Rodney Dangersfield opens the fucking curtain, and the girl with the most beautiful body showers, and he goes, hey, excuse me! 0.99
00:50:54.000 And then closed them, and he goes, ah! 0.99
00:50:56.000 And opens it again. 0.99
00:50:57.000 It's a great fucking scene in the movie, right? 0.99
00:50:58.000 Right. 1.00
00:50:58.000 I go, we missed, we fucked up. 1.00
00:51:01.000 And they're like... 1.00
00:51:02.000 I go, can we ask some of these chicks to, like, get naked? 1.00
00:51:05.000 And they're like, that's definitely not.
00:51:07.000 And I was like, well, how did it work when you made movies back in the day?
00:51:09.000 And they're like, well, back then, it's different.
00:51:11.000 We're not going to just walk around and go, hey, does anyone want to take their top off for this scene?
00:51:14.000 And you're like, oh, yeah, I guess you can't.
00:51:16.000 Like, you just...
00:51:17.000 And it's a weird thing.
00:51:18.000 It's like...
00:51:19.000 It's just weird how much culture has shifted so quickly.
00:51:23.000 Yeah.
00:51:23.000 Like relatively quickly because I don't think that before mass media, social media, it was mass media first and then social media.
00:51:33.000 Till people, the more and more communication about the way people act and behave. 0.74
00:51:38.000 You used to just have films that depicted all sorts of shit like that and people just accepted it. 0.86
00:51:45.000 So was that a part of normal society back then? 0.98
00:51:50.000 We've got to think about how few generations removed we are from barbarians.
00:51:57.000 Like really.
00:51:58.000 Like really horrific people.
00:52:01.000 3,000 years?
00:52:02.000 4,000 years?
00:52:03.000 How far back do you have to go to where life is?
00:52:05.000 Just hell.
00:52:06.000 It's not that many thousands of years, right?
00:52:08.000 I've got to be honest with you.
00:52:09.000 I think 1700s.
00:52:13.000 Yeah.
00:52:13.000 I mean, if we're talking about loss of freedom and free will, look at World War I. World War I was a barbaric fucking trench war.
00:52:21.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:52:22.000 Was that the trench war?
00:52:23.000 Yeah, it was trench warfare.
00:52:24.000 And that was like kids...
00:52:27.000 And then World War II was a generation of kids that felt like they didn't go to war, so they got bummed out.
00:52:31.000 They're like, I wanted to go to war like my dad, not knowing what war was.
00:52:35.000 And now we're at a place where you're like, okay, only the savages go.
00:52:38.000 Like, us soft boys...
00:52:40.000 I'm not a Jocko.
00:52:41.000 I'm not a Green-Bray. 0.94
00:52:42.000 I don't know if I agree with that.
00:52:43.000 What do you mean?
00:52:44.000 About World War II. World War II? No, no.
00:52:46.000 It's 100% accurate.
00:52:47.000 The German generation feels like that was what brought about World War II was a whole generation of kids feeling like, we need a war.
00:52:56.000 We didn't get a war.
00:52:58.000 What?
00:52:58.000 Really?
00:52:59.000 Yeah.
00:52:59.000 If you watch the beginning of All Quiet and the Western Front, I don't know if you saw that new movie.
00:53:03.000 I did.
00:53:03.000 Watch it not with the subtitles.
00:53:05.000 That's the beginning.
00:53:05.000 I mean, that's still World War I, but...
00:53:07.000 All those kids are just mad that they're not going to maybe go. 0.99
00:53:09.000 The war's ending, and they're like, fuck, we're not going to get to fight. 0.99
00:53:12.000 We're not going to get to fight. 0.99
00:53:13.000 It's kind of like what Jarhead is like, even in the Marines.
00:53:15.000 He's so mad he doesn't get to shoot his gun.
00:53:17.000 Yeah.
00:53:18.000 God, how crazy are people?
00:53:20.000 Imagine getting upset that you don't get a chance to go to war.
00:53:25.000 Yeah, but no, we can say that.
00:53:27.000 I know.
00:53:28.000 And that's ingrained in our head.
00:53:30.000 How crazy is that?
00:53:32.000 My grandfather was the exact opposite.
00:53:36.000 Can you imagine if we'd stayed here?
00:53:38.000 Can you imagine if we didn't go?
00:53:40.000 And that was my grandfather.
00:53:42.000 That's just right there. 0.99
00:53:44.000 And then came back the worst shell shock you could ever fucking imagine. 0.98
00:53:50.000 Stormed the beaches of Normandy. 0.97
00:53:53.000 The question is, and I never found this out, what day?
00:53:56.000 Because I think the real bad one was that first day when they go, and then I think they made some advancements.
00:54:02.000 I don't know much about history.
00:54:04.000 I listen to history podcasts, but I don't really pay attention.
00:54:07.000 But it just put me to sleep. 0.98
00:54:09.000 Well, that's a good one to think about, because Jesus fucking Christ, is that a crazy story in human history? 0.99
00:54:15.000 The idea of people just running at people with guns. 0.99
00:54:19.000 People with guns running at people with guns, like...
00:54:25.000 It's so insane.
00:54:26.000 It's just loss of free will that someone would go, go, and you couldn't be like, no, my name's Bert, and I haven't fallen in love yet, and I want to live my life.
00:54:35.000 I'm going to stay here.
00:54:36.000 I don't want to go in there because people are dying, and I see people dying.
00:54:39.000 And why are we here?
00:54:40.000 I don't know why I'm here.
00:54:42.000 If I'm 18 years old, do you think I truly grasp why I'm here?
00:54:46.000 Yeah.
00:54:46.000 Do you think I truly understand what manipulation has been put into place that allowed giant groups of men with guns to run at other giant groups of men with guns?
00:54:58.000 Like, what is the real problem?
00:55:00.000 They talked about, so in World War II, there was one Christmas where the German soldiers started singing American Christmas carols on Christmas.
00:55:10.000 And Silent Night, I think.
00:55:12.000 And then the Americans started singing with them, and then they had this in... 0.91
00:55:17.000 Obviously remember I'm Burt, I'm not a fucking historian, so don't light me up on this, but like this is how I heard it. 0.78
00:55:22.000 And in that moment they had a ceasefire. 0.99
00:55:24.000 The soldiers had a ceasefire and it sent the fucking colonels through the roof because they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're losing fucking control. 0.99
00:55:31.000 And they said any person... 0.99
00:55:34.000 Seen not fighting or seen extending, like they had to get letters from one side to another side from the fucking people that were kept in camps, right? 0.98
00:55:44.000 Okay, thank you. 0.96
00:55:45.000 Thank you.
00:55:46.000 I'm so sorry. 0.99
00:55:46.000 I talk out of my ass. 0.99
00:55:47.000 I don't know what I'm saying, but it is true. 0.99
00:55:49.000 The truce of 1914. It was World War I. And then they said, alright, here's the deal.
00:55:55.000 Anyone seen trying to fucking have a truce? 1.00
00:55:58.000 You get killed. 1.00
00:55:59.000 We kill you. 1.00
00:56:01.000 Because we need you to kill them. 1.00
00:56:03.000 What a crazy thing to do and then go back to killing each other. 1.00
00:56:07.000 Didn't they have truces too to play soccer games?
00:56:10.000 Didn't they do that as well?
00:56:11.000 I think that was a Sylvester Stallone movie.
00:56:12.000 No, I think that really happened.
00:56:14.000 I think there was like, there was... 0.99
00:56:17.000 See what the fuck that is. 0.90
00:56:19.000 Well, it's showing up as the same when I type it in. 0.99
00:56:22.000 I typed in World War I soccer truce and it shows up as the Christmas truce.
00:56:25.000 Maybe they had...
00:56:26.000 Oh, so maybe during that...
00:56:27.000 Okay, that's what...
00:56:28.000 Yeah, they did a soccer game during that...
00:56:29.000 Okay, that makes sense. 0.71
00:56:31.000 Imagine you just go right back to killing each other. 0.79
00:56:35.000 Those wars befuddle me.
00:56:37.000 Like, the idea that America would...
00:56:42.000 And I understand, but America would just get involved. 0.97
00:56:46.000 You know, like...
00:56:47.000 Well, it's all weird, man, because you don't know the full story unless you've got to delve into it, read all accounts by all parties, pro and con.
00:56:57.000 You've got to really sort through it.
00:56:59.000 To figure out what's propaganda and what's real.
00:57:01.000 I got really into World War II for a period of time.
00:57:06.000 Both the Pacific and the European, I guess because they're called theaters or whatever.
00:57:11.000 I'm obsessed with Winston Churchill.
00:57:14.000 He's just a...
00:57:15.000 Fascinating man. 0.99
00:57:16.000 Fucking fascinating man. 0.99
00:57:18.000 I gotta pee so bad. 1.00
00:57:19.000 Go pee.
00:57:19.000 Let's pause this for a brief moment.
00:57:22.000 Yeah, of course.
00:57:23.000 Yes, sir.
00:57:24.000 Alright, that was World War II. You know what my favorite ceasefire is? 0.87
00:57:28.000 During World War I, they had a ceasefire with...
00:57:31.000 Was it the Russians? 0.97
00:57:34.000 Who was it?
00:57:36.000 I think it was the Russians and the Germans.
00:57:38.000 They had a ceasefire, and it was because of wolves.
00:57:42.000 So many people were being killed by wolves.
00:57:43.000 Oh, I've heard you talk about this.
00:57:45.000 What were the two groups? 0.90
00:57:46.000 I always fuck this up. 0.95
00:57:47.000 I know one group was the Russians. 0.98
00:57:52.000 Russians and Germans, right. 0.85
00:57:54.000 So they had a ceasefire because so many of their soldiers were getting killed by wolves.
00:58:00.000 That's so funny.
00:58:02.000 I tried to joke last night about what's wrong with Germans is they don't have any predators.
00:58:09.000 They did back then.
00:58:11.000 They did at least when they tried going into Russia. 0.97
00:58:13.000 But could you imagine you have an enemy that's invading you and you agree, we need to bond together and kill this other enemy that is not human. 0.69
00:58:22.000 I think that's a plot. 0.98
00:58:24.000 And then we go back to killing each other.
00:58:26.000 That's a plot of Predator.
00:58:28.000 It is.
00:58:29.000 I mean, this is such a crazy story.
00:58:33.000 Parties of Russians and German scouts met recently and were hotly engaged in a skirmish when a large pack of wolves dashed on the scene and attacked the wounded. 0.99
00:58:41.000 Have you ever seen the video of the cop going to give a parking ticket and the fucking 50 wolves run down the street? 0.98
00:58:47.000 I don't think that's real. 0.99
00:58:49.000 Oh, for real?
00:58:50.000 Yeah, I don't think that's real.
00:58:52.000 Do you know what I'm talking about, Jamie?
00:58:53.000 Russian cop is going to give a parking ticket and then he gets in their car and the wolves run by them?
00:58:58.000 Jamie will find out if it's real.
00:59:00.000 I think someone told me that was CGI. Aww.
00:59:04.000 Speaking of CGI, I don't want to change all of our stuff.
00:59:07.000 I don't know if it is CGI, though.
00:59:09.000 I really want to find out.
00:59:10.000 The Roswell UFO thing from last week, did you see that?
00:59:12.000 Oh, the Jeremy Corbell thing? 0.98
00:59:13.000 I didn't see Jeremy Corbell post it, but I saw a post of five videos showing this fucking object in the sky. 0.97
00:59:18.000 Yeah, this is over a military base? 0.99
00:59:20.000 Yeah.
00:59:21.000 Yeah, apparently 50 people filmed this thing.
00:59:24.000 So this is the Russian one, so watch. 1.00
00:59:28.000 Oh, that bums me out.
00:59:29.000 The cops is over here, he's talking, and these wolves are running by.
00:59:33.000 I don't know if that's real, man.
00:59:35.000 Looks pretty real.
00:59:36.000 It looks very real.
00:59:37.000 The only way...
00:59:38.000 There's all the shadows.
00:59:39.000 Shadows are perfect.
00:59:40.000 But they maybe...
00:59:41.000 Yeah, wow.
00:59:42.000 If they do a time-lapse of...
00:59:44.000 Yeah, there's just two videos they put over each other.
00:59:46.000 Like, those wolves did run down that street.
00:59:47.000 Oh.
00:59:47.000 Oh, wait, wait.
00:59:49.000 I see what you're saying.
00:59:50.000 So, wait, go back to him getting in the car.
00:59:52.000 Are there...
00:59:52.000 No, the wolves are there.
00:59:54.000 Oh, he's reacting to them.
00:59:55.000 Yeah.
00:59:57.000 But that could be an actor.
00:59:59.000 I don't know.
01:00:00.000 They're not reacting to the cars, is what I'm saying.
01:00:03.000 Right, but the wolves are just running, right?
01:00:06.000 If they're not used to being around cars, but the cars are reacting to them, that car pulls over to the left to avoid the wolves.
01:00:13.000 Yeah, I think that's real, man.
01:00:15.000 Watch how the car reacts.
01:00:16.000 Here's the other thing I'm looking at, that'll be hard to fake, is the headlights from this car should be giving an extra shadow on these wolves coming this way, and it looks like it's only from the streetlight.
01:00:28.000 Interesting.
01:00:29.000 See, there's no shadow coming this way.
01:00:31.000 Interesting.
01:00:32.000 Which means that those cars weren't there when the wolves were there.
01:00:35.000 Maybe, sorta.
01:00:36.000 Depending upon where the beams hit.
01:00:38.000 It would be an interesting person that spent their time doing that.
01:00:43.000 Yes, a forensic person analyzing.
01:00:47.000 I went to Reddit and did a Reddit AMA. I've never been on Reddit.
01:00:54.000 Reddit's like a fucking rattlesnake to me. 0.99
01:00:56.000 I don't hate it, but I don't get near it. 0.99
01:00:59.000 I respect it. 0.97
01:01:00.000 I just don't want to fucking get bit. 0.97
01:01:02.000 Because I hear, like, Mark Norman lives on Reddit. 0.96
01:01:05.000 Like, he'll tell you stuff going on with you that you didn't know.
01:01:08.000 He did it last night.
01:01:09.000 He was like, hey, did you hear the thing?
01:01:10.000 And I'm like, hey, man, you can't talk to me about that stuff.
01:01:14.000 I don't watch that stuff.
01:01:16.000 But I went into Reddit, and I thought it was going to be all, like, QAnon people. 1.00
01:01:20.000 It's regular human beings.
01:01:22.000 Just regular human beings.
01:01:24.000 Beautiful women.
01:01:25.000 Hey! 0.99
01:01:25.000 It's a trap, Bert. 0.99
01:01:26.000 It's a trap. 0.99
01:01:27.000 They're gonna suck you in. 1.00
01:01:29.000 They're gonna suck you in. 1.00
01:01:30.000 You're gonna be there every day, and then they're gonna go after you. 0.74
01:01:33.000 How are those things?
01:01:34.000 You want one of these?
01:01:36.000 I'll be addicted immediately.
01:01:37.000 Oh, okay.
01:01:38.000 I'll be addicted immediately.
01:01:39.000 I like these. 0.99
01:01:40.000 Unless it'll help me quit drinking, and then I'll fucking do it in a heartbeat. 0.94
01:01:46.000 There's a lot of evidence that nicotine is actually good for you. 0.98
01:01:48.000 That's what Andrew Huberman said, smoking is the best thing you can do for your life.
01:01:52.000 Andrew Huberman said, here, isolate this.
01:01:54.000 No, I'm kidding.
01:01:55.000 No, no, no, no. 0.99
01:01:56.000 Dude, have you ever been in a fucking blimp? 0.99
01:01:58.000 That looks like the thing I saw in the video. 0.99
01:02:00.000 So just so we're clear.
01:02:02.000 Oh, you're talking about the thing that was in the plane video, Jamie?
01:02:07.000 No.
01:02:07.000 Which video?
01:02:09.000 This is one of them, I think.
01:02:12.000 Well, let me tell you something.
01:02:13.000 It's that thing.
01:02:14.000 Oh, that thing. 0.93
01:02:15.000 Yeah, this was in like a post I saw today.
01:02:18.000 It showed this in five different videos.
01:02:20.000 They said it was last week in Roswell.
01:02:23.000 It's just sitting there.
01:02:24.000 It doesn't move.
01:02:27.000 Yeah, that totally could be a balloon.
01:02:29.000 But do they just keep going higher and higher?
01:02:32.000 Don't they just keep going higher and higher?
01:02:33.000 Why would it be hovering?
01:02:35.000 Or maybe they don't have enough helium to reach a certain threshold?
01:02:40.000 Like a mylar one?
01:02:41.000 You're at the end of a mylar balloon that just hangs out like it's a person in your room.
01:02:45.000 This video that Mick posted said this is supposed to be to monitor pollution.
01:02:50.000 Why would you make a giant silver thing that looks like a UFO to monitor pollution?
01:02:55.000 How about make it look like a pollution monitoring device?
01:02:58.000 Have you ever seen, I'm sure you have, but have you ever seen Elon's rockets re-enter the atmosphere?
01:03:05.000 Yes, I have.
01:03:06.000 So, I had never, this is a while ago, this is back like, it was when we were in our old house, and I remember I was talking to Tom on the phone.
01:03:14.000 And Isla's outside, and she's like, Dad, Dad, Dad! 0.94
01:03:17.000 And I go out, and it is so different than anything you've ever seen, that I go, Tommy, Tommy, look at the fucking sky. 0.99
01:03:24.000 Look at the fucking sky. 0.98
01:03:25.000 He's like, what? 1.00
01:03:25.000 I go, go outside. 1.00
01:03:26.000 He goes outside, and he's like, what the fuck is going on? 0.99
01:03:29.000 I mean, we thought we were getting invaded by aliens. 0.99
01:03:31.000 For a second, two grown men thought we were getting invaded by aliens. 0.99
01:03:34.000 It looks so fucking bizarre. 0.95
01:03:36.000 Like, it does, like, a mushroom cloud, and then a streak. 0.93
01:03:39.000 Have you ever seen it?
01:03:40.000 No.
01:03:41.000 Oh! 0.60
01:03:42.000 Type in Elon's rockets re-entering the atmosphere.
01:03:45.000 Well, I've seen it on video, but I haven't seen it in real life.
01:03:48.000 You saw it in real life.
01:03:49.000 I saw it in real life.
01:03:50.000 It was in the sky over LA. Like, it must be coming to Long Beach or something.
01:03:53.000 And it looked so...
01:03:56.000 This is what it looks like. 0.98
01:03:57.000 It's this crazy fucking atmospheric change, and it looks like you're getting invaded by aliens. 0.99
01:04:05.000 I did see one time in LA. I was driving. 0.99
01:04:07.000 Look at that, Joe.
01:04:08.000 That's what we saw.
01:04:09.000 I go, Tommy, go outside.
01:04:11.000 He goes outside. 0.99
01:04:11.000 He's like, what the fuck is going on? 0.99
01:04:13.000 And I'm like, I was like, are we getting invaded by aliens? 1.00
01:04:16.000 It looks fucking crazy. 0.95
01:04:19.000 What year was this? 0.98
01:04:20.000 It was like 2017 or 2018. It happened two or three times.
01:04:24.000 Yeah, it happened one time I feel like I saw, but it was before that.
01:04:30.000 I was in Hollywood and I saw this thing streaking across the sky. 0.98
01:04:34.000 I was like, what the fuck is that? 0.99
01:04:36.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:04:37.000 But this was like, I think it was pre-social media days.
01:04:40.000 Oh no, this was Instagram days, Instagram stories, because as I was talking to Tommy, I put on Instagram stories and I recorded it. 0.93
01:04:47.000 It didn't record our audio, which I thought would be a viral fucking clip, because both Tom and I thought we were getting invaded by aliens. 0.54
01:04:53.000 And I'm watching it, but it is, Joe, it is like... 0.94
01:04:57.000 It's pretty freaky to see something like that. 0.99
01:04:58.000 It's freaky as shit. 0.98
01:04:59.000 Can you imagine if you did see something like that and it was aliens? 0.99
01:05:03.000 Do you know how wild that day would be?
01:05:05.000 Do you know the wild the day of like three football field sized ships just penetrating to the Los Angeles atmosphere and start hovering over the city?
01:05:21.000 Just alerting us to their presence and just saying, enough is enough. 0.98
01:05:27.000 Let's fucking shut this out. 0.99
01:05:31.000 What's the first thing? 1.00
01:05:32.000 Fuckheads. 1.00
01:05:33.000 What's the first thing that is going on in our cultural, like... 1.00
01:05:36.000 Money, politics.
01:05:38.000 Take money out of politics.
01:05:40.000 Take it all out.
01:05:41.000 Nobody can donate.
01:05:43.000 Nobody can donate.
01:05:44.000 You can't profit.
01:05:45.000 You just need leaders.
01:05:45.000 You need leaders now.
01:05:46.000 You need leaders.
01:05:47.000 How do things shake down?
01:05:49.000 You need leaders.
01:05:50.000 What else goes away?
01:05:51.000 Bars stay open.
01:05:52.000 Bars stay open.
01:05:54.000 You've got to give people freedom because if you keep taking away freedom, eventually it's going to come for the things that you hold dear.
01:06:00.000 That's just a thing that happens and everybody wants less.
01:06:03.000 You've got to control people more and do this.
01:06:06.000 It's not good.
01:06:08.000 We're always going to have problems.
01:06:10.000 There's never going to be a perfect state where hundreds of millions of human beings get along and completely harmonious.
01:06:19.000 Unless we all do mushrooms. 0.96
01:06:22.000 I'm just saying, your new hour is selling mushrooms pretty fucking good. 0.96
01:06:27.000 Could you come out with your own mushroom? 0.97
01:06:29.000 I don't think that's legal.
01:06:30.000 It is.
01:06:31.000 And I don't know what you're talking about.
01:06:32.000 No, it definitely is.
01:06:33.000 I take the lion's mane, Bert Kreischer.
01:06:35.000 Is lion's mane good?
01:06:35.000 Oh yeah, lion's mane is good.
01:06:37.000 I'm taking lion's mane, but that's like a regular...
01:06:38.000 Listen, there's a lot of benefit to mushrooms.
01:06:41.000 Cordyceps mushrooms are fantastic.
01:06:44.000 Those are really good.
01:06:45.000 That's a big part of that shroom tech supplement that Onnit makes.
01:06:50.000 Lion's mane is great for you.
01:06:52.000 There's a bunch of really neuroprotective aspects of certain mushrooms and nutrients.
01:06:59.000 There's a lot of good stuff you can take, and mushrooms are in that group, including psilocybin.
01:07:05.000 Mushrooms are legal in Colorado.
01:07:08.000 I think everything is legal in Portland or in Oregon.
01:07:12.000 Oregon is the first state that decriminalized everything.
01:07:16.000 They decriminalize, literally, cocaine, heroin, everything.
01:07:20.000 And I think they did it in Vancouver, too.
01:07:22.000 But listen to this.
01:07:23.000 This one dude opened up a store.
01:07:25.000 Oh, you can sell coke in Vancouver!
01:07:27.000 Well, this guy, he opened up a store called the Drugs Store.
01:07:32.000 And it just tells you when it was tested.
01:07:35.000 Like, this is tested, like, April 23rd.
01:07:38.000 And you just buy cocaine.
01:07:41.000 You can buy cocaine.
01:07:42.000 Someone just told me about that. 1.00
01:07:44.000 Like, what the fuck? 0.99
01:07:45.000 This mobile Vancouver store. 1.00
01:07:47.000 Mobile.
01:07:48.000 Good move, bro.
01:07:49.000 Just started illegally selling cocaine, heroin, and meth.
01:07:54.000 Meth!
01:07:56.000 Bro, imagine selling meth.
01:07:59.000 I mean, that's like...
01:08:00.000 Like, you know that's bad for you, right? 0.99
01:08:05.000 Like, who the fuck wants people to be doing meth? 0.99
01:08:08.000 If you're selling meth... 0.99
01:08:10.000 You're profiting off of terrible decision-making, right?
01:08:13.000 Agreed?
01:08:13.000 I've heard a couple of people have some good math stories.
01:08:16.000 Really?
01:08:16.000 I have.
01:08:17.000 One of our friends.
01:08:18.000 They get good stories when the night is over.
01:08:21.000 We have a friend.
01:08:22.000 I won't say his name here, and I'll never say it.
01:08:25.000 Okay.
01:08:27.000 And we were all about to hang out.
01:08:30.000 Can I guess?
01:08:31.000 Can I guess who it is?
01:08:31.000 Okay.
01:08:32.000 Okay, yeah.
01:08:33.000 And if you guess it right, I'll tell you.
01:08:35.000 Okay.
01:08:36.000 We were all hanging out.
01:08:37.000 We were all about to go hang out again.
01:08:38.000 And he was telling me and Joey...
01:08:40.000 Okay, it's not Joey Diaz.
01:08:41.000 He was telling me and Joey Diaz a story about this chick.
01:08:44.000 And he was like, I can't even say...
01:08:45.000 Okay, let's not.
01:08:47.000 You're going to get somebody in trouble, aren't you?
01:08:49.000 But this was a long time ago. 0.96
01:08:50.000 This was like fucking 12 years ago. 0.98
01:08:51.000 I understand. 0.99
01:08:52.000 And he was like, I did meth last night. 1.00
01:08:56.000 Joey's like, what the fuck? 1.00
01:08:57.000 He goes, I know! 1.00
01:08:58.000 I was trying to fuck this chick! 1.00
01:09:00.000 And she pulled out meth? 1.00
01:09:01.000 And he was like, ah, you know.
01:09:04.000 Wow.
01:09:05.000 That's right.
01:09:06.000 I remember that story.
01:09:08.000 You know who it is?
01:09:08.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:09:09.000 I remember that story.
01:09:10.000 Oh my god, I forgot about that.
01:09:12.000 Yeah.
01:09:12.000 Yeah, that's a wild decision to make.
01:09:15.000 If you're alone with a person you just met who wants to do meth with you, how all in on this life experience are you? 1.00
01:09:24.000 Joey goes, did you fuck her? 1.00
01:09:25.000 And he goes, we did meth, Joey. 1.00
01:09:27.000 We definitely fucked her. 1.00
01:09:28.000 Oh my god. 1.00
01:09:30.000 But don't they say that Adderall is like very similar chemically?
01:09:36.000 It's very similar.
01:09:37.000 It's a type of amphetamine, right? 0.97
01:09:40.000 So if you went bonkers with Adderall, if you had some dude who could just give you all the Adderall you need, like some homie that works at the Adderall factory, and he sells you a barrel of these fucking things, if you just chewed him all day long, you would just be like a person doing meth. 0.98
01:09:55.000 Right? 0.85
01:09:55.000 Well, if I'm not mistaken, and I apologize if this comes out weird, but I think that's what Mulaney said in his special, was that Adderall was one of his problems, too. 0.85
01:10:03.000 Yeah, I think that happens.
01:10:04.000 Yeah, Adderall is, and I've done both.
01:10:06.000 I've done Adderall, I've done Ritalin, and I've done Coke.
01:10:09.000 Coke is way more fun than the other two, but the other two I actually enjoy more. 0.95
01:10:14.000 Like, if you take an Adderall, your diet, you don't want to eat, you feel fucked, you have the focus to skin a grape. 0.99
01:10:22.000 I mean, you could fucking focus. 1.00
01:10:24.000 Damn. 1.00
01:10:24.000 Dude. 1.00
01:10:25.000 Making it sound exciting. 1.00
01:10:27.000 Adderall's the shit. 0.99
01:10:28.000 I remember taking an Adderall and just sitting down and writing a script and just being like, boom. 1.00
01:10:34.000 Back in the day, all the top pool players would take amphetamines.
01:10:39.000 Darts, same, same, bro.
01:10:41.000 Darts, same thing. 0.99
01:10:42.000 Darts is like a big fucking speed place. 0.97
01:10:45.000 I shouldn't say all the top pool players, but... 0.98
01:10:47.000 In all honesty, a lot of them. 0.93
01:10:50.000 And I shouldn't say darts because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. 0.98
01:10:52.000 This was a long-ass time ago, like in the 70s and shit. 0.97
01:10:56.000 There's some great books that were written about those days. 0.97
01:10:59.000 But these guys would play for 24 hours, 48 hours.
01:11:03.000 They'd stay up for days just taking pills and gambling until one guy goes broke or one guy quits.
01:11:10.000 They didn't want people quitting on anybody, so the thing is, if you're up ahead, so if you and I were gambling, and you're ahead of me, and you have all of my money, and I want to keep gambling until I'm completely broke, you're obliged to drain the person.
01:11:25.000 You're obliged to carry it out to the bitter end, because maybe that guy might claw his way back.
01:11:31.000 And then...
01:11:33.000 18 hours later, now you're breaking even.
01:11:36.000 Like, oh my god.
01:11:38.000 But he wants to keep playing.
01:11:39.000 So you gotta go in the bathroom and take pills. 0.97
01:11:41.000 And you come out, you're fuckin' jacked up with huge pupils. 0.87
01:11:45.000 And you're just gambling for days like that. 0.94
01:11:48.000 That was a lot of those guys.
01:11:51.000 Wild fellas.
01:11:53.000 Wild human beings, man.
01:11:55.000 They deliver, man.
01:11:56.000 Those pills and coke, they deliver.
01:11:58.000 I bet they do.
01:12:01.000 They give you what...
01:12:02.000 You know what Coke's like? 0.92
01:12:03.000 Coke's like the first time you had unprotected sex, and you were like, whoa! 1.00
01:12:08.000 Fuck! 1.00
01:12:10.000 Coke's like that. 1.00
01:12:10.000 Coke's like that. 1.00
01:12:11.000 I believe you.
01:12:12.000 No one's disputing it either.
01:12:14.000 No one.
01:12:15.000 No one. 1.00
01:12:17.000 Just keep the fuck away from it. 0.98
01:12:19.000 Some people will tell you, yeah, I don't like drinking. 0.99
01:12:21.000 It makes me tired.
01:12:21.000 Like Dyson's like, ah, what are you having?
01:12:24.000 I said, Buffalo Trace.
01:12:25.000 He goes, man, I have one of those.
01:12:26.000 I'm asleep.
01:12:27.000 No one's ever liked that on Coke.
01:12:29.000 That's what I hear. 1.00
01:12:31.000 Same with the fucking Zins. 1.00
01:12:34.000 If I had money, I'd invest in that fucking company. 1.00
01:12:37.000 According to Huberman, it's a good way to get nicotine. 1.00
01:12:41.000 And nicotine does have neuroprotective benefits. 0.97
01:12:45.000 There's a bunch of cool shit about nicotine. 0.99
01:12:48.000 The problem is cigarettes. 1.00
01:12:49.000 The problem is tobacco when you smoke it and it gets into your lungs.
01:12:54.000 Dip is the best.
01:12:55.000 I miss dip.
01:12:56.000 You like dip?
01:12:57.000 I loved dip.
01:12:58.000 I like a good cigar.
01:12:59.000 I really do enjoy a good cigar.
01:13:00.000 Oh, I love cigars.
01:13:01.000 Do you want one right now? 0.99
01:13:02.000 I want one right fucking now. 0.99
01:13:04.000 Let's have one right fucking now. 0.99
01:13:05.000 Hold, please. 0.99
01:13:11.000 Look at that humidor. 1.00
01:13:21.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 0.99
01:13:31.000 Ladies and gentlemen, we're taking a very brief cigar break. 1.00
01:13:34.000 Joe Rogan, this is a good fucking cigar. 0.98
01:13:38.000 Who is this, the same guys that we're doing? 0.99
01:13:39.000 Foundation, yeah, Foundation Cigars. 1.00
01:13:41.000 They're the shit. 1.00
01:13:47.000 Yeah, this is a special one that he made just for us. 1.00
01:13:52.000 It's really good.
01:13:53.000 And Bobby Kelly liked it, which is like, hey, that guy likes it.
01:13:57.000 Bobby actually knows cigars. 0.99
01:14:00.000 He's one of those guys that, like, he could tell you, like, I can't tell you shit about cigars. 0.99
01:14:06.000 It's pretty simple. 0.99
01:14:07.000 There's only, like, a couple wraps.
01:14:09.000 Right.
01:14:10.000 And the sizes are what make it a tad bit complicated.
01:14:12.000 I'm a big ring gauge fan.
01:14:15.000 Yeah.
01:14:15.000 I grew up in Florida, so...
01:14:16.000 Like a fat boy? 0.96
01:14:17.000 Oh, yeah? 0.96
01:14:17.000 Yeah, yeah, those are nice. 0.96
01:14:18.000 I like a big ring gauge.
01:14:19.000 Kind of smoother, right?
01:14:21.000 The draw.
01:14:22.000 I think the draw is a little easier. 1.00
01:14:25.000 But these are beautiful fucking cigars. 0.99
01:14:28.000 This is a Maduro wrapper, I think, if I'm not mistaken. 1.00
01:14:31.000 And I like a nice, heavy cigar.
01:14:34.000 Yeah, it's perfect for me.
01:14:35.000 I love it.
01:14:36.000 It's really good.
01:14:37.000 Yeah.
01:14:38.000 It's just cool.
01:14:39.000 It's cool.
01:14:40.000 Yeah, man.
01:14:40.000 I like it.
01:14:41.000 I can't believe you're my fucking friend. 1.00
01:14:42.000 I can't believe you're my friend. 1.00
01:14:44.000 No, but I'm way luckier.
01:14:46.000 Dude, you keep saying that. 0.97
01:14:48.000 We're all fucking lucky, man. 0.98
01:14:50.000 We're all lucky, 100%. 0.93
01:14:51.000 It's all symbiotic.
01:14:54.000 Yeah.
01:14:55.000 You enjoy all of it more when you have friends that are also doing it.
01:15:00.000 That's a big part of what's going on.
01:15:02.000 I called Joey Diaz the other day.
01:15:04.000 I hadn't talked to him in a while.
01:15:07.000 Joey Diaz lit the place on fire when he was in town.
01:15:09.000 I bet.
01:15:10.000 It was so fun to watch.
01:15:11.000 It was really exciting just to have him around again.
01:15:14.000 And you should see him light up when he saw the sign. 1.00
01:15:17.000 In the green room that says, get it together, bitch. 1.00
01:15:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:15:20.000 I go, that's your quote, Joey.
01:15:23.000 He always used to say that to us.
01:15:24.000 My daughters are working on Fully Loaded again this year.
01:15:29.000 And they go, his Uncle Joey coming?
01:15:31.000 Because they only really know him as an uncle, for real.
01:15:33.000 Right, right.
01:15:34.000 And I go, no, I don't think so.
01:15:36.000 And Georgia goes, hold on.
01:15:39.000 We gotta see him one more time, Ted.
01:15:42.000 Isla needs to see him live.
01:15:43.000 Isla needs to see him live.
01:15:44.000 Because Georgia toured with him.
01:15:45.000 Georgia knows him as his uncle. 1.00
01:15:48.000 And, you know, Joey, he would say the wildest fucking shit. 1.00
01:15:52.000 Fuck cancel culture. 1.00
01:15:53.000 You can't trust a dot dot dot with a whistle. 1.00
01:15:58.000 And George is blown away.
01:15:59.000 And George is super woke, right?
01:16:01.000 And she goes, can you get him to come to Forest Hills?
01:16:04.000 We're open and fully loaded in New York at Forest Hills at the tennis arena. 0.99
01:16:07.000 And it's a fucking thick list. 0.98
01:16:10.000 She goes, can you get Uncle Joey to go? 0.99
01:16:11.000 Dad, Dad, please.
01:16:14.000 Isla's got to watch Uncle Joey.
01:16:16.000 So I called him the other night to talk about it, and then we ended up changing.
01:16:18.000 You know, Joey's quick.
01:16:19.000 What's up, Tarzan?
01:16:20.000 Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. 0.67
01:16:22.000 All right, yeah, hey, keep killing it. 1.00
01:16:23.000 I'm proud of you, cocksucker. 1.00
01:16:24.000 And then he hangs up, and he's like, fuck, I forgot to ask him what I was going to ask him. 1.00
01:16:27.000 But yeah, we're going to try to get Joey to come out to that. 0.99
01:16:29.000 Gillis is on it.
01:16:30.000 It's just always great to get Joey around people who love him, too.
01:16:34.000 You know, I mean, it's just, he needs that comic energy.
01:16:39.000 Yeah, he does.
01:16:40.000 He does.
01:16:40.000 He needs that comic energy.
01:16:41.000 I mean, everybody loves him everywhere, though.
01:16:44.000 That's the thing about where he's set up.
01:16:46.000 When we saw him in New Jersey, we're like, God, he's never moving out of here.
01:16:50.000 He's the king of New Jersey.
01:16:51.000 He loves it, man. 0.99
01:16:53.000 He fucking loves it. 0.99
01:16:54.000 Towns are built for certain people, or certain people are built for towns. 1.00
01:16:58.000 Well, he's got a great place.
01:16:59.000 And Joey was never built for L.A.? No.
01:17:02.000 No, no.
01:17:02.000 He was built for Jersey.
01:17:04.000 He knows the guy that makes sandwiches down the street.
01:17:06.000 He goes in, you know, Joey, it's interesting. 0.98
01:17:09.000 A little high, because Joey's weed's pretty fucking aggressive. 0.96
01:17:11.000 It's aggressive, right? 0.99
01:17:12.000 It is fucking, you know what's the most sought-after weed in all of L.A.? It'll convince you that something's happening to your body. 0.99
01:17:20.000 Don't do that, dude.
01:17:21.000 Don't tell me your thoughts.
01:17:22.000 That's the kind of weed.
01:17:23.000 No, I'm not saying my thoughts.
01:17:25.000 No, but now I go, what's going on in my body?
01:17:27.000 But it's one of those, like, what's going on in my foot?
01:17:30.000 Like, You know?
01:17:32.000 It's weird.
01:17:33.000 Is my toe numb?
01:17:33.000 Why does my toe hurt like that?
01:17:35.000 That feels weird.
01:17:36.000 I smoked some of Joey's weed.
01:17:38.000 I'm gonna come home, and I'm like...
01:17:39.000 It'll make you uncomfortable.
01:17:41.000 I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting in my man cave, or my gym, is my man cave now, my gym, and I'm on the computer, and I just feel a little, like, saliva in my cheek right here, like, right there.
01:17:52.000 And I go, oh, that's crazy.
01:17:54.000 I just notice it.
01:17:54.000 I go, that's crazy.
01:17:55.000 And then it shows back up.
01:17:56.000 I go, am I having a stroke?
01:17:58.000 And I go, oh my god, is this side of my face? 0.99
01:18:01.000 And now I'm sitting high as fuck in a mirror, smiling to myself to make sure I'm not having a stroke. 0.99
01:18:07.000 Joey's weed will fucking throw you sideways. 0.99
01:18:10.000 Here's the thing I was gonna say. 0.98
01:18:12.000 Before comedy was around, guys like Joey Diaz...
01:18:19.000 We're good to go.
01:18:22.000 We're good to go.
01:18:38.000 Right, but what Joey can do on stage is so unique. 0.99
01:18:43.000 Oh, damn it. 0.96
01:18:44.000 And when he gets rolling, it's so unique that I feel like no matter what else he does... 0.99
01:18:52.000 At this stage of his life, it's so hard to get to be that funny.
01:18:59.000 Yeah.
01:18:59.000 Why would you stop doing that?
01:19:01.000 His new book, Tremendous, is out on Amazon.
01:19:03.000 You can't stop doing that.
01:19:04.000 He's too good.
01:19:04.000 He's too good.
01:19:05.000 He's too fun.
01:19:06.000 He's too fun to be around.
01:19:08.000 Dude, he would be...
01:19:09.000 He was so fun when he was in town, just hanging out in the green room.
01:19:14.000 He's so fun.
01:19:15.000 The part I miss about Joey the most is when just hanging with him.
01:19:18.000 Yeah. 0.97
01:19:18.000 And when he wasn't trying to be funny, and he was fucking hilarious. 0.97
01:19:22.000 Yeah. 0.93
01:19:22.000 One of the hardest he's ever made me laugh is we're sitting there. 0.93
01:19:28.000 I made him say it again on a podcast that made me laugh so hard.
01:19:30.000 We're sitting at Marie AC. We're having...
01:19:33.000 I was doing a cleanser.
01:19:35.000 I was having green tea, and he was having coffee, and he was smoking cigarettes back then.
01:19:40.000 He was smoking them on the DL. No one knew.
01:19:42.000 Don't tell nobody.
01:19:45.000 And I go, Joey, what was prison like? 0.98
01:19:46.000 And he just very casually goes, dog, if you think black guys are allowed in a movie theater... 0.97
01:19:57.000 That's such a Joey Diaz line. 0.98
01:19:59.000 But he wasn't trying to be funny.
01:20:00.000 I know, but that's him.
01:20:02.000 And I was.
01:20:03.000 I go, Joey, is that a bit?
01:20:04.000 And he's like, no, I'm telling you, dog.
01:20:06.000 Up all night.
01:20:06.000 Ray, Ray!
01:20:07.000 Ray, Ray! 1.00
01:20:08.000 Joey's just the fucking purist. 1.00
01:20:13.000 Sometimes I repeat stories. 1.00
01:20:15.000 Have you ever heard a story about our Polar Plunge Christmas Eve with his daughter, Mercy?
01:20:19.000 I believe so.
01:20:21.000 It's the best.
01:20:22.000 That's that bloodline.
01:20:24.000 He's a beautiful person.
01:20:25.000 I love him to death.
01:20:27.000 He's one of the best guys ever.
01:20:29.000 And, you know, if I could just get him to come around every now and again, I'm good.
01:20:34.000 So that's what we're going to try to do.
01:20:37.000 I just told him any time, just you tell me, I'll take care of everything.
01:20:41.000 I'll have someone to pick you up.
01:20:42.000 I'll have someone to drop you off.
01:20:43.000 I'll have someone to drive you around.
01:20:45.000 I'll fly you out.
01:20:47.000 I'll take care of you.
01:20:47.000 Come on out.
01:20:48.000 Anytime you want.
01:20:49.000 Just you tell me.
01:20:50.000 And then we'll put the machine in motion.
01:20:52.000 Not the machine, but a machine in motion.
01:20:54.000 Put the machine in motion.
01:20:54.000 I'll come down too.
01:20:55.000 We'll send the actual machine to escort you to the mothership.
01:21:00.000 I said that to him when we did full alert.
01:21:02.000 I said, whatever you need, I got you.
01:21:03.000 He's the best.
01:21:04.000 You do that sometimes.
01:21:05.000 That's the problem with these businesses and managers and agents.
01:21:09.000 It's like, you know...
01:21:12.000 You go, they misspeak for you.
01:21:15.000 And you're like, even like back in the day, trying to get Joey on, fully loaded, and it just was not happening.
01:21:23.000 I go, hold on.
01:21:24.000 I call Joey.
01:21:24.000 I go, hey man, whatever you want.
01:21:25.000 Whatever the fuck you want. 0.99
01:21:26.000 You know I love you. 1.00
01:21:27.000 Whatever you want.
01:21:28.000 And he's like, oh, for real?
01:21:30.000 And I'm like, yeah, don't listen to anyone talking about my team.
01:21:33.000 Just trust me, I got you.
01:21:36.000 I know I get like that.
01:21:38.000 Certain things will spook me. 0.93
01:21:39.000 And I go, yeah, I don't want to fucking do that. 0.83
01:21:42.000 And then managers and angels love having a little fulcrum to leverage you against something else. 0.97
01:21:48.000 We were talking about that last night.
01:21:50.000 Just little fulcrums to like, can I get this guy in there too?
01:21:54.000 Okay, then you can also have this guy. 1.00
01:21:56.000 And you're like, what the fuck? 0.99
01:21:57.000 How did that happen? 1.00
01:21:58.000 I told two people to their face.
01:22:02.000 I told Chappelle.
01:22:04.000 I'm bad with secrets, and I just met Dave, so I'm not gonna say any good secrets.
01:22:08.000 Like, I'm bad with secrets.
01:22:09.000 I don't even know that I tell people secrets.
01:22:10.000 Is that a part of drinking?
01:22:12.000 No, it's part of me wanting to please you.
01:22:15.000 Oh, now we're going deep.
01:22:16.000 I'm in therapy.
01:22:17.000 Now we're going deep.
01:22:18.000 I have a lot of problems.
01:22:19.000 And one of those is I want everyone to be happy.
01:22:22.000 So I overshare.
01:22:25.000 And I guess it's good.
01:22:27.000 So it's fun.
01:22:28.000 It's fun.
01:22:29.000 It makes good comedy.
01:22:30.000 Yes, it does.
01:22:31.000 My wife was in the back of Little Boy last night being like, yo, definitely can't talk about Isla like that. 1.00
01:22:36.000 Right.
01:22:36.000 I was like, for real?
01:22:37.000 She's like, no.
01:22:39.000 Tell a story about Isla in...
01:22:41.000 Never mind.
01:22:42.000 Yeah, don't do it.
01:22:43.000 Don't do it.
01:22:43.000 And so, like...
01:22:45.000 But, yeah, I overshare.
01:22:48.000 But it's like...
01:22:49.000 I don't know why...
01:22:50.000 But that's interesting.
01:22:51.000 It's like...
01:22:52.000 Do you feel like you have to?
01:22:54.000 Yeah.
01:22:55.000 I feel like I'm not good enough.
01:22:57.000 Oh, no.
01:22:59.000 It's why I love Tommy so much and why I look up to him in so many ways is that Tommy knows he's good enough.
01:23:07.000 Tommy knows his worth.
01:23:09.000 What's the difference between you and Tommy?
01:23:12.000 Why do you think that he knows his worth and you don't seem to know your worth, even though there's so much evidence?
01:23:20.000 There's so much evidence that you're loved.
01:23:24.000 Yeah.
01:23:25.000 So how would that not be enough?
01:23:28.000 I don't think...
01:23:29.000 Do you think about it that way, or is that not it?
01:23:32.000 Am I missing it?
01:23:32.000 No, I think we had very different dads.
01:23:37.000 And I think Tom, for whatever reason, and I think we're both really close with our dads.
01:23:44.000 We're both really, he was really close with his dad.
01:23:47.000 I think his dad just raised him a different way.
01:23:49.000 And I think my dad raised me a different way.
01:23:51.000 And I think whatever my dad did, it left me with a little bit of a hole.
01:23:55.000 No slight to my dad, but it left me with a little bit of a hole that turned me into a performer. 1.00
01:24:00.000 To make sure my dad would be like, if the Iraq war started and I said, this is fucking stupid. 1.00
01:24:08.000 My dad goes, go to your fucking room. 1.00
01:24:10.000 You're a fucking idiot. 1.00
01:24:10.000 You don't know what you're talking about. 1.00
01:24:12.000 He said, stay up there until you figure out what's wrong with you.
01:24:14.000 And then I'm sitting up there going, like, I gotta get out of my room.
01:24:17.000 I'm 16 at the time.
01:24:18.000 I'm like, I gotta get out of my room. 1.00
01:24:20.000 Why am I a fucking idiot? 1.00
01:24:21.000 Why am I a fucking idiot? 1.00
01:24:22.000 And then I was like, okay. 1.00
01:24:23.000 I was forced to sit with it, and I was like, I don't know anything about why we're going to war with Iraq.
01:24:29.000 I don't know anything about war.
01:24:31.000 I've never been to war.
01:24:32.000 My dad, okay, I'm gonna go down, and I talk to my dad about it. 1.00
01:24:36.000 My dad's like, this is why you're an idiot. 1.00
01:24:37.000 Tell me why you think I don't know anything about this war. 1.00
01:24:40.000 He goes, yeah, Saddam Hussein is gassing his own people because they're a different religion, a different ethnicity. 0.99
01:24:44.000 And he goes, and so we came to protect half of that fucking country. 0.99
01:24:47.000 Here's the other thing that's cool. 0.99
01:24:48.000 This is the first war we're getting to watch start on TV. We're watching a war start like a fucking Super Bowl. 0.99
01:24:54.000 So sit down with me and let's watch the fucking war. 1.00
01:24:57.000 And I was like, wait, we're watching a war? 1.00
01:25:00.000 He was like, yeah, it's on CNN. Watch this.
01:25:03.000 And you remember the fucking Iraq war? 0.99
01:25:06.000 When we were kids, you were probably like 18. Yeah. 0.99
01:25:09.000 And then they just like, B2B, and you'd watch a fucking Tomahawk missile head in, and you're watching people walk into the fucking Capitol in night vision, and I'm like, oh, this is fucking crazy. 0.99
01:25:22.000 That was my dad. 0.98
01:25:25.000 And I can't speak for Tommy, but I know Tommy was really close with his dad, and I think his dad, for lack of better words, I hope this comes off respectful to my dad, was a little bit more of a man.
01:25:35.000 No, no, no.
01:25:37.000 My dad ran track.
01:25:38.000 My dad's a man, trust me.
01:25:39.000 My dad's a man.
01:25:40.000 But Tom's dad fought in Vietnam. 0.99
01:25:43.000 Tom's dad did a fucking couple tours. 0.99
01:25:45.000 Tom's dad was a champion power lifter. 0.99
01:25:49.000 I think we had different dads.
01:25:50.000 My dad ran track.
01:25:51.000 He didn't go to the works.
01:25:52.000 He had allergies.
01:25:54.000 They wouldn't let him in the Vietnam War.
01:25:56.000 You wouldn't let him in?
01:25:57.000 Yeah, he didn't pass the physical.
01:25:59.000 Wow.
01:26:00.000 Yeah, he had allergies.
01:26:01.000 Jesus.
01:26:02.000 And they're like, we can't send you in there, and all of a sudden you shut down because you have hay fever.
01:26:06.000 Oh, right.
01:26:06.000 Then you're just like...
01:26:09.000 In the middle of a fucking... 1.00
01:26:12.000 Dude, that war is the scariest war to me. 1.00
01:26:14.000 Vietnam?
01:26:15.000 Yeah, because it's the most nonsensical.
01:26:18.000 It was started off of a false flag...
01:26:21.000 No one felt strongly about going over there to die.
01:26:24.000 No.
01:26:25.000 No one felt strongly about the cause.
01:26:27.000 It seemed insane to everybody and it went on for years.
01:26:31.000 I remember when it ended because I was a kid.
01:26:34.000 Do you really?
01:26:34.000 Yeah, I was living in San Francisco and I remember thinking naively that this is great because now there's never going to be war again.
01:26:40.000 I really remember that thought.
01:26:42.000 I guess I was like 10 or something like that, 10 or 11. It was just weird.
01:26:47.000 It was a weird thing to just imagine That they forced people to go fighting some war that nobody understood.
01:26:56.000 And that might have been connected to heroin.
01:27:01.000 Might have been connected to heroin.
01:27:03.000 Have you been to Vietnam?
01:27:04.000 No, I have not.
01:27:05.000 People love it over there.
01:27:07.000 Bourdain is like it was his favorite place.
01:27:09.000 It'll change your cultural DNA. Like the way you see the world's never the same.
01:27:14.000 I'd say the same about Japan, though. 0.99
01:27:15.000 Japan's pretty fucking dope. 1.00
01:27:17.000 Pretty dope. 1.00
01:27:18.000 Japan's like... 1.00
01:27:20.000 Japan's like, it shouldn't be legal. 1.00
01:27:22.000 Like, just weird shit, like robot fuck shows, and then all of a sudden, you go to the subway and no one's speaking. 1.00
01:27:28.000 They're all holding hands. 1.00
01:27:31.000 I passed out on a Japanese dude in the subway. 0.90
01:27:34.000 I was drunk.
01:27:36.000 I passed out on this poor guy, and he didn't do anything.
01:27:38.000 He just let me sleep on him.
01:27:40.000 I woke up.
01:27:41.000 He was just like...
01:27:43.000 Yeah, they have a very respectful culture in terms of the way people walk down the street.
01:27:47.000 People give people plenty of space.
01:27:49.000 They seem to navigate it much more easily.
01:27:52.000 But then, like you see in some cultures, there's so many people that just kind of bump into each other.
01:27:58.000 Like, apparently in China, that's a thing.
01:28:00.000 Oh, in Vietnam, I made the analogy in Japan, it's like no one touches each other.
01:28:08.000 In Vietnam, they got their fingers in your mouth. 1.00
01:28:09.000 Oh, Jesus.
01:28:10.000 No, not really, but, like, figuratively.
01:28:13.000 Like, it's really aggressive.
01:28:15.000 I drove a motorcycle through traffic in Vietnam, and it was...
01:28:20.000 I think?
01:28:37.000 I think it was the same motorcycle we had at the farmstay when you called me.
01:28:40.000 Ah, right. 0.99
01:28:42.000 That was fucking... 1.00
01:28:43.000 What a great call. 1.00
01:28:45.000 What a great fucking call. 0.99
01:28:46.000 I'm going to write a book out of like top ten things Joe Rogan said to me. 0.99
01:28:52.000 But every now and then I get one like...
01:28:54.000 Look at this.
01:28:55.000 This is Vietnam.
01:28:56.000 I know I've seen this.
01:28:57.000 This is insanity.
01:28:59.000 Imagine being a motorcycle with a kid on your back.
01:29:01.000 A kid?
01:29:02.000 Dude, they got their whole family on the back of that thing.
01:29:04.000 So insane.
01:29:05.000 Everyone's got two people.
01:29:07.000 Some people have three and four people.
01:29:08.000 Yo, it's so insane.
01:29:09.000 Look, there's three people right there.
01:29:11.000 That's four people.
01:29:12.000 So insane.
01:29:14.000 Two people in boxes on that one.
01:29:16.000 Don't you think people just kind of get used to that, though?
01:29:19.000 Like, I think people get accustomed to almost anything.
01:29:23.000 We're accustomed to driving cars now. 1.00
01:29:25.000 That shit has only been around for a hundred years. 1.00
01:29:27.000 It's so weird. 1.00
01:29:28.000 So weird driving around in a fucking car everywhere. 0.99
01:29:31.000 It's only been around for a short amount of time. 0.99
01:29:33.000 And we're just so accustomed to it.
01:29:36.000 It's just normal.
01:29:37.000 When you think about taking horses across the country...
01:29:41.000 Right.
01:29:42.000 Have you ridden a horse lately?
01:29:44.000 No. 1.00
01:29:44.000 Fuck horses. 1.00
01:29:45.000 You know how gangster those people... 1.00
01:29:46.000 Not fuck horses. 1.00
01:29:47.000 I don't love horses. 1.00
01:29:48.000 Let me be clear.
01:29:50.000 I want to rephrase.
01:29:52.000 I say bad things sometimes.
01:29:53.000 I don't mean to. 1.00
01:29:55.000 Fuck me riding a horse. 1.00
01:29:57.000 That's what I meant. 1.00
01:29:58.000 Fuck horses. 1.00
01:29:59.000 Fuck horses. 1.00
01:30:00.000 I'm not getting on horses. 1.00
01:30:01.000 Not fuck them. 1.00
01:30:02.000 I think they're beautiful, amazing creatures. 1.00
01:30:04.000 You know what I'm really kind of sad about, honestly?
01:30:07.000 What?
01:30:07.000 That there's a lot of wild horses in this country, and they're trying to figure out what to do with them.
01:30:14.000 And they might wind up killing them.
01:30:16.000 No. 0.99
01:30:17.000 Yeah, they might.
01:30:18.000 I mean, I think there's people that are proposing, like, Getting rid of a certain amount of them.
01:30:25.000 I don't know what they do with them now.
01:30:26.000 How do they handle wild horses now?
01:30:30.000 But there was this argument that they just can't let them get to a point where there's no predators for wild horses, and they just start overwhelming the population in some of these areas.
01:30:43.000 There's cattle that graze in these areas, and the horse and the cattle compete for food.
01:30:50.000 But there's a lot of wild horses in this country.
01:30:53.000 It's kind of a sad animal to be wild.
01:30:56.000 It's like wild dogs.
01:30:58.000 No, it's beautiful.
01:30:59.000 I was in Crow Territory up in either South Dakota or Montana, and we were driving motorcycles for Travel Channel.
01:31:06.000 And we took a helicopter.
01:31:08.000 We hunted a buffalo with the Crow Nation.
01:31:10.000 Shot the buffalo.
01:31:12.000 Processed it.
01:31:13.000 Then they take us back and they put us on our motorcycles and they're like, hey, we're gonna meet up at the bottom.
01:31:17.000 Everyone's gonna have a drink.
01:31:19.000 And I'm on my motorcycle.
01:31:20.000 I did not have a drink in me.
01:31:22.000 And the sun's setting. 1.00
01:31:24.000 And we're driving through the hills, like the fucking hills. 1.00
01:31:27.000 And as I'm listening to Wilco in my headset, with my helmet on, on a fucking Indian judge. 1.00
01:31:32.000 I think it was a judge, whatever the fucking judge was. 1.00
01:31:35.000 A fucking pack of wild horses starts running next to me. 1.00
01:31:39.000 And no one's around. 1.00
01:31:40.000 No cameras.
01:31:41.000 No film. 0.99
01:31:42.000 Just me, Wilco, and fucking seven horses at a full fucking sprint keeping up with me on the motorcycle. 1.00
01:31:49.000 The sun's setting and I'm just thinking, motherfucker. 1.00
01:31:53.000 No one's gonna believe this. 1.00
01:31:54.000 No one's gonna ever see this.
01:31:55.000 It's just your moment you have in life. 0.99
01:31:57.000 Wow, horses are fucking beautiful. 0.99
01:32:00.000 Beautiful. 0.99
01:32:01.000 No, I should rephrase what I'm saying.
01:32:04.000 I don't think...
01:32:06.000 Here's my thought on it.
01:32:10.000 I don't want them to be killed like other animals.
01:32:13.000 I don't want people to hunt wild horses.
01:32:16.000 Oh, no, no.
01:32:17.000 The best way to control populations is either you send someone out to kill them or you let people hunt them.
01:32:25.000 And for all the other animals, like the deer species and elk and stuff, they let people hunt them and that's how they keep populations in check.
01:32:32.000 But with this one, it's like you can't...
01:32:35.000 I don't...
01:32:37.000 Who wants to go out and shoot dogs?
01:32:39.000 Nobody.
01:32:39.000 Do they do that?
01:32:40.000 No, but I mean, no.
01:32:42.000 I guess they probably do with wild dogs.
01:32:44.000 Well, wild dogs are a problem.
01:32:46.000 I think an elderly man got killed recently by wild dogs in Georgia or something.
01:32:52.000 Oh, dude, that down south- Which is really scary.
01:32:55.000 Down south, you can still get attacked by dogs.
01:32:57.000 Yeah.
01:32:57.000 I went for a jog in Alabama where my wife's family lives.
01:32:59.000 I went for a jog in Georgia, Alabama, and a dog chased me.
01:33:05.000 Like, you just forget, people don't have fences everywhere there.
01:33:07.000 Their dog heard me jogging on the street from their porch and started running at me.
01:33:11.000 And I just thought, at some point, it'll stop.
01:33:14.000 I jumped up onto a Baptist church.
01:33:17.000 They have the foundation with the cross and the name.
01:33:20.000 Praise Jesus.
01:33:21.000 I jumped up and I had to standing up there as this dog just stood there and barked at me.
01:33:25.000 And I'm in running shorts, headsets, and I'm just sitting there waiting for the dog to get done. 0.98
01:33:30.000 And we sat there for 30 fucking minutes. 0.99
01:33:33.000 The dog sat for a second. 0.99
01:33:35.000 And then I'm like, oh my god. 0.97
01:33:37.000 Like, is anyone gonna fucking help me? 0.95
01:33:38.000 And you just sit there. 0.98
01:33:40.000 I think people forget Just how fragile we are as animals, like we are versus other animals. 0.80
01:33:48.000 Some people are just dopey and irresponsible and just let their dog run around.
01:33:52.000 That's a common thing too.
01:33:53.000 But the thing about these wild dogs is like once you've got a population of wild dogs breeding in the woods, you basically got something that's kind of like a wolf.
01:34:02.000 Very much. 0.98
01:34:03.000 It's kind of like a small shitty wolf. 0.99
01:34:05.000 Look at this! 0.99
01:34:05.000 Oh my god! 0.99
01:34:07.000 Fuck off! 1.00
01:34:08.000 He fought for his life against three large dogs. 1.00
01:34:10.000 What the fuck? 1.00
01:34:11.000 This guy got torn apart. 1.00
01:34:13.000 Two hippos and a German shepherd. 1.00
01:34:15.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 1.00
01:34:16.000 And they were all on the same team? 1.00
01:34:17.000 He said they kept attacking me for like 15 minutes.
01:34:20.000 Roll that down.
01:34:23.000 It doesn't matter.
01:34:24.000 It doesn't matter.
01:34:25.000 It was actually it.
01:34:27.000 Oh my god.
01:34:28.000 Three dogs.
01:34:30.000 Two of them were pit bulls. 0.70
01:34:31.000 The third one was a German Shepherd.
01:34:33.000 One with a German Shepherd.
01:34:34.000 One of them attacked me.
01:34:35.000 When it did, it triggered the other two and they joined in.
01:34:38.000 They were attacking me from all sides.
01:34:40.000 I was trying to keep them away from the inside of my legs where the femoral arteries are and away from my neck.
01:34:47.000 I had nothing with me to fend them off.
01:34:49.000 I was desperately grabbing sticks to hit them, but the sticks were decayed and kept falling apart.
01:34:54.000 They kept attacking me for what seemed like 15 minutes.
01:34:58.000 I was physically and mentally exhausted.
01:34:59.000 I was trying to figure out what to do.
01:35:01.000 I considered falling on the ground or rolling up in a ball and playing dead like you're supposed to do with bears.
01:35:06.000 I considered screaming for help.
01:35:07.000 But I knew no one would hear me.
01:35:09.000 My four-wheeler and my cell phone were 150 yards away and I knew I would never make it there.
01:35:14.000 I finally remembered that there's a tree stand nearby the adjoining property.
01:35:18.000 I found a good stick and I was able to keep the dogs at a distance until I could get to that stand and climb up on it.
01:35:25.000 In the stand, Scott was able to catch his breath, get his heart rate down, and keep the first good look at his wounds.
01:35:31.000 He was in bad shape.
01:35:32.000 He had punctures and lacerations of both arms and both hands, and from his waist down to his ankles.
01:35:37.000 He needs medical attention immediately.
01:35:40.000 I sat in the stand for about 30 minutes after the dogs left.
01:35:43.000 He said, when I got down, they heard the rustling of the leaves under my boots.
01:35:49.000 They came running back in.
01:35:50.000 So Scott rushed back into the tree stand and waited another 30 minutes after the dogs left.
01:35:55.000 This time he purposely made a lot of noise to see if the dogs would return.
01:35:58.000 They did not.
01:35:59.000 He decided to head in the opposite direction, away from his four-wheeler and where the dogs had come from.
01:36:05.000 I found a good stick and I quietly tiptoed to a fence line that was about 60 yards away.
01:36:10.000 I climbed over the fence and then hiked about a half a mile through a cow pasture out to the highway.
01:36:15.000 I stood...
01:36:16.000 I didn't know the story was going to be so long, ladies and gentlemen.
01:36:18.000 I'm apologizing.
01:36:20.000 I apologize. 0.79
01:36:20.000 I feel like I'm so fucking... 0.79
01:36:23.000 This guy got fucked up by dogs. 1.00
01:36:25.000 The end. 1.00
01:36:27.000 298 puncture wounds and lacerations.
01:36:29.000 A lot of stitches to fix them up.
01:36:32.000 So I guess he got out.
01:36:33.000 A couple guys alone in a pickup truck drove around me.
01:36:36.000 Yeah.
01:36:37.000 Okay.
01:36:38.000 There it is.
01:36:39.000 So he got help.
01:36:40.000 No rabies.
01:36:41.000 Okay, let's work this into this bit. 0.91
01:36:43.000 This is why Germans are weak, because Germans don't have predators.
01:36:47.000 This is what I was trying to say.
01:36:48.000 If you grew up with predators, I grew up getting attacked by dogs in Florida.
01:36:55.000 You think that helped you?
01:36:56.000 No, it can get me anxiety.
01:36:58.000 When you were a kid, when I was a kid, if you saw a dog on the street, it could always be touch and go.
01:37:03.000 You never knew.
01:37:04.000 You always moved away from a dog that you just saw.
01:37:06.000 How are your daughters around a strange dog?
01:37:08.000 They know.
01:37:09.000 Really?
01:37:10.000 Yeah.
01:37:11.000 Because I've seen bad dogs, good dogs.
01:37:13.000 They've seen dogs.
01:37:14.000 And some dogs, you just can't trust them.
01:37:17.000 You don't know them.
01:37:18.000 No.
01:37:18.000 You have no idea what's going on with that dog.
01:37:21.000 And most dogs are great.
01:37:23.000 I'm a big fan of dogs.
01:37:25.000 Most dogs until they're not.
01:37:27.000 And people that get really violent dogs.
01:37:29.000 Dogs are like...
01:37:30.000 You got a trainer?
01:37:32.000 You got a trainer?
01:37:33.000 You got a wild monster that lives with you now.
01:37:37.000 Do you ever get...
01:37:38.000 You ever about to say something and then someone talks over you and you go, that was a good call, man.
01:37:42.000 I should have said that.
01:37:44.000 I was about to say the most horrible thing and then I was like...
01:37:48.000 Glad we cut you back.
01:37:50.000 Yeah, man.
01:37:52.000 In Florida, we had gators.
01:37:54.000 We had lightning.
01:37:56.000 We had sharks.
01:37:58.000 We had a lot of poisonous snakes, poisonous spiders.
01:38:02.000 We had molesters.
01:38:03.000 That was really big when I was a kid.
01:38:05.000 They killed that kid, Adam Walsh.
01:38:07.000 Adam Walsh in Miami.
01:38:08.000 So that was my tornadoes, hurricanes.
01:38:12.000 We had a lot of things that could kill you.
01:38:15.000 I remember we were in Hawaii.
01:38:17.000 We were doing a hike with this Hawaiian dude, and Isla was terrified.
01:38:22.000 Isla has a fear of bees.
01:38:23.000 She has a fear of spiders and stuff.
01:38:27.000 And she was talking to him about snakes.
01:38:29.000 And the guy said, oh, we don't have snakes in Hawaii.
01:38:32.000 And then we get down the hike.
01:38:33.000 We end up at a restaurant or whatever, having a drink, wherever we went to, with the guy.
01:38:37.000 And he's very low-key.
01:38:38.000 And I said something about, you know, this is island living.
01:38:41.000 And she said to me, and it was an insight from a babe's mouth to a whatever.
01:38:46.000 She goes, Dad, they don't have snakes.
01:38:49.000 That's all you need to know about this guy.
01:38:51.000 I go, what do you mean?
01:38:52.000 She goes, that's why he's so chill.
01:38:54.000 He's never had to deal with snakes.
01:38:56.000 I go, what?
01:38:57.000 She goes, every time I go in the yard, I'm looking for snakes. 0.93
01:38:59.000 Anytime I walk outside, I'm looking for snakes.
01:39:01.000 That's the way, when rattlesnakes are a thing in your community, where you lived back in L.A., that was rattlesnake central.
01:39:09.000 Oh, for sure.
01:39:09.000 You never walked into your backyard not thinking there might be a rattlesnake.
01:39:13.000 No, my dogs got bit multiple times.
01:39:15.000 And when that's your reality, it changes the way...
01:39:18.000 You look at life. 1.00
01:39:20.000 Fucking Australians got everything that could kill them. 1.00
01:39:23.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:39:24.000 Everything.
01:39:25.000 Everything.
01:39:26.000 I mean...
01:39:26.000 They got those saltwater crocs.
01:39:28.000 Dude, you can't...
01:39:29.000 You know you can't go on the beach at night in Northern Australia.
01:39:31.000 You can't go on the beach at night because crocs are just laying on the beach and you'll think it's a log and sit on them.
01:39:36.000 Oh my Jesus Christ. 1.00
01:39:38.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:39:39.000 They told us that when we went to go do the Great Barrier Reef. 1.00
01:39:42.000 They're like, do not go on the beach at night.
01:39:44.000 Do you know what a horrific death that would be?
01:39:47.000 If you're a little tipsy and you just sit down on what you think is a log?
01:39:51.000 I didn't show you this video yesterday.
01:39:53.000 No.
01:39:54.000 What do you have for me?
01:39:55.000 It went around yesterday.
01:39:57.000 It happened in Florida.
01:39:59.000 A 23-year-old dude went out for a piss in the back behind a bar in a rural area.
01:40:04.000 And lost his arm.
01:40:07.000 The attack isn't on video, but him thrashing in the water afterwards is, and then they pull him out and the arm missing and pulling the tourniquet on with a guy with a cigarette hanging out over him. 0.97
01:40:19.000 That's where I fucking grew up. 0.79
01:40:20.000 I don't even want to see that. 1.00
01:40:21.000 I know you wits.
01:40:22.000 Don't show me that. 1.00
01:40:24.000 Anyone that ever says like, hey Bert, why would you ever fuck around with Xanax? 1.00
01:40:27.000 I grew up like that. 1.00
01:40:28.000 On a lake.
01:40:29.000 On a lake.
01:40:29.000 Living in the lake.
01:40:30.000 We would swim in the lake knowing at any moment a gator could take you away from your family and take him back to his nest and sit with you in his mouth for fucking four days until your body rotted and then they do the death roll on the bottom. 0.99
01:40:42.000 I mean, dude. 0.99
01:40:44.000 And then you think about like...
01:40:46.000 You think about like that, so that creates a person, right?
01:40:49.000 Australia, that creates a person.
01:40:52.000 Those are realities in their life.
01:40:53.000 That creates that person, right?
01:40:54.000 All those, that trauma.
01:40:55.000 It's not trauma, but like...
01:40:57.000 They're kind of similar in a way.
01:40:58.000 What's that?
01:40:59.000 Oh, yeah, but then you look at Germans, they got nothing. 1.00
01:41:02.000 They got nothing.
01:41:03.000 But I was thinking that Australians, I mean, Australians and Florida people...
01:41:07.000 There's a lot in common. 1.00
01:41:09.000 Fucking cousins. 1.00
01:41:10.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:41:11.000 Maybe that's what it is.
01:41:12.000 Maybe it's like a certain breed of people that has to deal with dangerous environments.
01:41:18.000 Like, Australians have to deal with sharks.
01:41:21.000 Saltwater crocs, jellyfish.
01:41:24.000 Jellyfish can kill them.
01:41:26.000 The box jellyfish.
01:41:27.000 They kill people.
01:41:28.000 People swim in pajamas.
01:41:30.000 Jesus.
01:41:30.000 They swim in blue pajamas.
01:41:32.000 I'm not fucking around. 1.00
01:41:33.000 You swim in blue. 0.99
01:41:34.000 We went to the Great Barrier Reef.
01:41:36.000 It's box jellyfish season.
01:41:38.000 Get on blue pajamas.
01:41:39.000 And so we put on blue pajamas to go snorkeling.
01:41:41.000 Your whole body's covered.
01:41:43.000 You have gel on your face.
01:41:44.000 Every part of you is covered. 1.00
01:41:46.000 Oh, Fuck that. 1.00
01:41:48.000 And I was like, why would I snort? 1.00
01:41:49.000 Because I go up in Florida.
01:41:50.000 Why would you do that? 0.99
01:41:51.000 Get the fuck out of that water! 1.00
01:41:53.000 The fuck out of that water! 1.00
01:41:56.000 It's pretty cool. 0.99
01:41:57.000 I'm sure it's cool, but at what point in time do you not want to get killed by a jellyfish?
01:42:02.000 Most of the time, right?
01:42:03.000 So how do you avoid getting killed by a jellyfish? 1.00
01:42:05.000 Don't swear where the fucking jellyfish are. 1.00
01:42:08.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
01:42:08.000 They've got nine of the ten. 1.00
01:42:10.000 How many deadly snakes does Australia have?
01:42:13.000 Because I think they've got nine of the ten deadliest snakes.
01:42:17.000 We went canyoning, I think it's called, where you just, you like, repel and climb up rocks, but you're going down a canyon through waterfalls and stuff.
01:42:26.000 And the guy was like, keep away, like, anytime you saw debris on the side, keep away from it.
01:42:30.000 You know, we got the two-step spider or whatever. 0.91
01:42:33.000 The spiders there are fucking next level. 0.98
01:42:36.000 What's it called, the two-step spider? 0.99
01:42:37.000 I made it up. 0.99
01:42:38.000 I don't know what the fuck it's called. 0.99
01:42:39.000 That's a good day for a spider. 1.00
01:42:41.000 A little fucking country western spider. 1.00
01:42:43.000 We get bit and you get two steps and then you fall. 1.00
01:42:46.000 Oh, boy.
01:42:48.000 But that creates a person.
01:42:50.000 I think about Kelly Slater a lot.
01:42:53.000 Because I love the podcast you do with him.
01:42:56.000 You talked about sharks.
01:42:57.000 Mm-hmm.
01:42:58.000 The brain that can just shut that off.
01:43:01.000 Did you see the bull shark attack the kayak recently?
01:43:04.000 Yeah.
01:43:05.000 In Hawaii?
01:43:05.000 Was that a bull shark?
01:43:06.000 Yeah.
01:43:07.000 No, no, I'm sorry.
01:43:08.000 It was a tiger shark.
01:43:08.000 The bull shark was the one that bit the tail off the other bull shark.
01:43:11.000 You see that one?
01:43:12.000 Oh, I didn't see that one.
01:43:13.000 But let's show the kayak one first.
01:43:14.000 The tiger shark.
01:43:15.000 This is in Hawaii. 1.00
01:43:16.000 And I think that's a high percentage of people that get bit in Hawaii get bit by these fuckers. 1.00
01:43:22.000 Look at that thing. 1.00
01:43:23.000 Bro, that is so wild.
01:43:26.000 Watch that again.
01:43:28.000 That is so crazy.
01:43:32.000 I mean, dude, that thing just stormed in. 0.99
01:43:35.000 Was his feet in the water?
01:43:37.000 Almost.
01:43:38.000 No, his feet are in the water right now.
01:43:40.000 Look, watch where his left foot comes from.
01:43:43.000 Watch, his foot's behind the shark right now. 1.00
01:43:45.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
01:43:46.000 He almost got his leg bit off. 1.00
01:43:48.000 Oh, my God.
01:43:50.000 Oh, my God.
01:43:52.000 Look at this.
01:43:52.000 That's his...
01:43:54.000 His foot!
01:43:55.000 Dude, that shark almost bit his femoral artery.
01:43:58.000 Look how insane that is.
01:44:00.000 Look at that thing. 0.92
01:44:01.000 Just imagine the feeling of that thing chomping on your kayak, and what if it flips it?
01:44:05.000 It could easily flip it. 1.00
01:44:06.000 Oh, you're fucked. 1.00
01:44:08.000 I mean, it's just kind of luck that it didn't flip it. 1.00
01:44:11.000 Look at that.
01:44:12.000 That's insanity. 1.00
01:44:13.000 That's a fucking big tiger shark, too. 1.00
01:44:15.000 Oh my god, that's so scary. 0.99
01:44:17.000 That's the guy? 1.00
01:44:19.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00
01:44:20.000 That guy's got to be so happy he's alive. 1.00
01:44:22.000 It's got to be exhilarating. 1.00
01:44:23.000 I'd be like, uh, with this fucking water thing, hey, fuck you. 1.00
01:44:30.000 It's weird, like, people would change their opinion on sharks. 1.00
01:44:33.000 It used to be that everybody hated sharks after Jaws. 0.96
01:44:35.000 They'd be like, fuck yeah, let's go shark fishing. 0.99
01:44:38.000 Oh, yeah, I'm a fucking manly shark fisherman. 1.00
01:44:40.000 And now it's like leave the sharks alone. 0.99
01:44:43.000 Like people, they need to protect sharks now.
01:44:46.000 But it's, I understand absolutely they're right.
01:44:49.000 You need to protect sharks.
01:44:50.000 But it's just a weird like shift.
01:44:53.000 There's like a dangerous predator that eats human beings on a regular basis.
01:44:57.000 And we're like, we got to make sure there's more of those.
01:44:59.000 It's weird!
01:45:00.000 I'm not, I understand it.
01:45:02.000 I agree with it.
01:45:03.000 But I'm saying it is weird.
01:45:05.000 That like there was no sharks, no people would get eaten by sharks.
01:45:08.000 It's called lakes.
01:45:08.000 Or not even lakes in Florida.
01:45:10.000 You get eaten by a gator.
01:45:11.000 Like Michigan lakes.
01:45:12.000 You ever seen people in Michigan?
01:45:14.000 Or Wisconsin?
01:45:16.000 It's got all the...
01:45:17.000 Minnesota. 1.00
01:45:18.000 It's got all the fucking lakes. 1.00
01:45:19.000 Right. 1.00
01:45:20.000 And they just swim in lakes and just swim out. 1.00
01:45:21.000 They don't worry about shit. 1.00
01:45:22.000 My wife's like that. 1.00
01:45:23.000 My wife, we have a lake house in Alabama, and she'll swim out to the middle of the fucking lake. 1.00
01:45:28.000 You know, that's a really good benefit to really cold climates. 0.99
01:45:32.000 No reptiles.
01:45:35.000 Because when you've got an abundance of dangerous reptiles and terrain where they can hide, you've got a real problem, kids.
01:45:42.000 You've got a real problem.
01:45:44.000 We go back to the thing.
01:45:45.000 I think it raises a different person.
01:45:48.000 Oh, for sure.
01:45:49.000 I think it creates a person who maybe anticipates the danger.
01:45:53.000 Anticipates the...
01:45:55.000 Do you ever anticipate the...
01:46:03.000 Because I know you're the kind of guy that...
01:46:05.000 I remember you saying one time, anytime I see a guy with a tie on, I go, he doesn't even know what I could do with that tie.
01:46:09.000 I was always joking around about that.
01:46:11.000 But I always felt like if I had a tie on, someone could grab my tie and collar choke me.
01:46:16.000 So I was like, why would you give someone a handle to put around your neck?
01:46:21.000 I was a little obsessed with Jiu Jitsu back then, though. 0.99
01:46:24.000 Fucking Isla is obsessed with Jiu Jitsu. 1.00
01:46:27.000 It's really fun, man. 0.99
01:46:28.000 I wish everybody would get obsessed with it.
01:46:30.000 Shout out to Eddie Bravo.
01:46:31.000 Shout out to everybody.
01:46:33.000 Shout out to Eddie Bravo.
01:46:34.000 Shout out to Jean-Jacques Machado. 1.00
01:46:36.000 Shout out to all the fucking people teaching that. 0.99
01:46:38.000 Because I think it's one of the most beneficial things that anyone could ever do for their health, for their brain. 0.99
01:46:45.000 The peace of mind, learning something that's actually effective.
01:46:49.000 You started fighting early, right?
01:46:51.000 Well, I started martial arts when I was 15. That's when I really got into it.
01:46:55.000 I took it a little when I was 14, but it was hard to get to the place.
01:46:58.000 I started out at this karate place in Newton.
01:47:02.000 And then I started in Taekwondo when I was 15. What was your...
01:47:08.000 You don't have to, obviously, whatever, but you talked about...
01:47:12.000 I love how you start a question with you.
01:47:13.000 You don't have to, obviously, whatever.
01:47:15.000 I love you.
01:47:17.000 You know I love you.
01:47:17.000 But sometimes I don't know if you told me this in secret and I'm just telling it.
01:47:20.000 I'm asking you a question that you told me is in secret.
01:47:23.000 Okay, go ahead.
01:47:24.000 Tell me...
01:47:26.000 You got bullied.
01:47:27.000 That's why you got into martial arts, because you got bullied, right?
01:47:29.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.
01:47:30.000 I mean, I was always small, and I was always new.
01:47:34.000 I moved into these places a lot.
01:47:35.000 What did you weigh?
01:47:36.000 When you got into martial arts, what did you weigh?
01:47:38.000 Well, I wrestled at 134 when I was 15. Or I was 14?
01:47:44.000 15. I was 15. That's like two Tony Hinchcliffs.
01:47:46.000 So, yeah.
01:47:49.000 And I don't believe I cut weight for that.
01:47:52.000 But I did cut weight when I started fighting.
01:47:55.000 When I was 16 and 17, I was cutting down to 140. And I was weighing 140 for a while, but it was a real struggle.
01:48:02.000 And I only did the States at 140 once, and that was when I was 17. So what was your, like, because I was bullied.
01:48:09.000 It was an all-boys Catholic high school, but it definitely formed a little bit of me that maybe I didn't wish it did.
01:48:15.000 What was your bullying like?
01:48:17.000 Can you tell me a bullying story?
01:48:18.000 It wasn't horrible. 0.99
01:48:20.000 It was just a bunch of dudes being dicks. 0.99
01:48:23.000 And I didn't like the feeling of not being able to defend myself. 0.99
01:48:28.000 Like, was it physical?
01:48:29.000 It was scary.
01:48:30.000 Oh yeah, one dude was.
01:48:31.000 One dude grabbed me in a headlock.
01:48:33.000 This is why I started wrestling.
01:48:34.000 One dude grabbed me in a headlock.
01:48:36.000 Just like, out of nowhere, we were just staring at each other.
01:48:39.000 We didn't even exchange words.
01:48:40.000 And he...
01:48:42.000 Threw me to the ground, and he raised his fist like he was gonna punch me, and then he decided not to.
01:48:48.000 And he just let me go.
01:48:50.000 Like, it was so easy to do that to me that he didn't have to just beat me up.
01:48:55.000 Catch and release.
01:48:56.000 Catch and release.
01:48:57.000 Catch and release.
01:48:58.000 And first of all, thank that dude for doing that.
01:49:00.000 First of all, I don't know why he grabbed me.
01:49:01.000 I didn't touch him.
01:49:02.000 But at least he didn't really hurt me.
01:49:05.000 But it made me realize, like, oh, I don't know what to do if somebody grabs me and tries to wrestle me.
01:49:11.000 So I started taking wrestling.
01:49:13.000 I joined the wrestling team.
01:49:15.000 And I started doing Taekwondo at the exact same time.
01:49:18.000 So I was doing both of them at the exact same time.
01:49:20.000 And I couldn't do two of them.
01:49:21.000 And I had to pick one or the other. 0.86
01:49:23.000 And I really enjoyed kicking people. 0.92
01:49:26.000 It was exciting. 0.90
01:49:27.000 There was something about that.
01:49:29.000 It was just so...
01:49:30.000 It was such a...
01:49:31.000 And that's when I loved movies, like Chuck Norris movies and...
01:49:35.000 You know, Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.
01:49:37.000 It's like...
01:49:37.000 Wild Kicks is what you want to see people do.
01:49:39.000 You want your Bruce Lee movie?
01:49:41.000 You want to watch...
01:49:44.000 I want to be able to do that.
01:49:45.000 And so that was what I got obsessed with.
01:49:49.000 That seemed to me to be something fun to do.
01:49:52.000 So what do you think it says?
01:49:55.000 Not to get back to what makes you the man you are and what makes me the man I am, where I go, I want everyone to be pleased.
01:50:02.000 When I got bullied, and my bullying was pretty physical, because it was an all-boys Catholic high school, and everyone was like, boys will be boys. 0.99
01:50:10.000 I got beat up a couple times, just beat up.
01:50:14.000 My defense was...
01:50:17.000 I don't know if it was because maybe I was a little bit bigger and I was the size of the people.
01:50:23.000 I got bullied by dudes who were bigger than me, but I was also not...
01:50:26.000 I was probably 180 pounds.
01:50:29.000 Even still, but I was just a softer dude.
01:50:33.000 And so I wonder if the...
01:50:36.000 My bullying regressed my aggression, I think, and it turned me into more of a smartass, more of a like, I'm gonna outwit you. 0.90
01:50:47.000 I've always had a respect, I've always had a big respect for dudes who can fight and not fucking with the dudes who can fight. 0.94
01:50:56.000 Obviously I said I'd fight Israel. 1.00
01:50:58.000 I might have said accidentally, and I'd like to apologize for this publicly, I might have said Tom and I are going to jump Nate Diaz.
01:51:05.000 I might have said I didn't care if Conor McGregor slapped me.
01:51:10.000 Meeting Conor, meeting Izzy, I know that that's wild talk.
01:51:14.000 I'm a comedian.
01:51:15.000 Everyone should know I'm a comedian.
01:51:16.000 But that energy?
01:51:18.000 Is where my sense of humor leaned. 1.00
01:51:22.000 When I got bullied, I just was like, I'm gonna challenge you in comedy, and if you don't get it, then you're the fucking idiot. 1.00
01:51:32.000 But if you get it, does that make sense? 1.00
01:51:35.000 Nope.
01:51:36.000 Okay.
01:51:37.000 I remember one time I got beat up pretty good.
01:51:43.000 A couple times I got beat up pretty good.
01:51:45.000 Both were off of jokes.
01:51:48.000 And what's interesting about both those times, both those men, and I guarantee you they're listening, and they may know who they are, but both those men got publicly shamed and kind of shunned by our friend groups.
01:52:01.000 They're like, you don't get jokes.
01:52:04.000 Both those guys didn't get comedy.
01:52:06.000 And they lost a lot of friends and they lost a lot of like...
01:52:09.000 because it was like they were jokes.
01:52:11.000 Right.
01:52:11.000 But I will tell you those two men taught me a very valuable lesson.
01:52:14.000 There are men to fuck with and there are men not to fuck with. 0.99
01:52:17.000 Yeah, some dudes don't want you to play games with them. 1.00
01:52:19.000 They don't. 1.00
01:52:20.000 And it's a real challenge of like, you're the baddest motherfucker I know, well, one of the baddest motherfuckers I know personally. 1.00
01:52:27.000 I make fun of you a lot. 0.99
01:52:29.000 And I've never won.
01:52:30.000 And I've said wild things about you. 1.00
01:52:32.000 I've said, I called you gay on fucking Logan Paul's podcast. 1.00
01:52:36.000 Hey, I would love to hear more about this. 1.00
01:52:39.000 Jamie, I got that thing is happening to the headphone again.
01:52:42.000 I don't hear myself anymore.
01:52:46.000 We're going to pause for a second, folks.
01:52:48.000 Shout out to Sebastian.
01:52:49.000 He just sent me a very sweet text.
01:52:51.000 Sorry folks, we had a technical issue.
01:52:53.000 Headphone jack issue.
01:52:55.000 Sebastian, what happened?
01:52:57.000 Sebastian's got a movie also this weekend.
01:52:58.000 It's called My Father.
01:53:00.000 I think it's called My Father.
01:53:02.000 And with Robert De Niro, we both have movies opening this weekend.
01:53:06.000 This is my thing I'll say right now.
01:53:08.000 Just bring back comedy.
01:53:09.000 Bring back comedy.
01:53:09.000 Support either of our movies.
01:53:11.000 Go out and watch comedies.
01:53:12.000 Bring back comedies. 1.00
01:53:13.000 Go to the fucking movie theaters. 1.00
01:53:14.000 Go to the fucking movie theaters. 1.00
01:53:16.000 Text your friends. 1.00
01:53:17.000 If you like the movie, see mine on fucking Friday, Sebastian on Saturday. 0.96
01:53:21.000 Mine on Saturday, Sebastian on Friday. 0.99
01:53:23.000 Whatever it is, support fucking comedy. 0.98
01:53:25.000 Sent me a really sweet text. 0.99
01:53:26.000 It's a weird sort of time for movies because people are very scared to take chances like they took In these classic, like, Tropic Thunder.
01:53:40.000 Like, you could never.
01:53:41.000 You could never.
01:53:42.000 Shout out.
01:53:43.000 You could never.
01:53:44.000 It's the writer for Fat Astronauts.
01:53:46.000 Oh, my God.
01:53:47.000 Perfect.
01:53:47.000 Hey, if the machine does well in theaters, we get a green light on Monday, and this script is...
01:53:52.000 You want to see Cum in Space?
01:53:53.000 You're going to see a lot of it.
01:53:55.000 It's a weird time.
01:53:58.000 I told you this...
01:53:59.000 I'll say it again, but I was in Serbia before the first day of shooting.
01:54:04.000 I had some wine at dinner, and I was laying in bed, and I listened to you on a podcast, and you said, here's the problem with comedies. 0.96
01:54:10.000 They don't go fucking hard anymore. 0.91
01:54:11.000 And I sat up in bed, and I went, my first scene isn't hard. 0.96
01:54:14.000 My first scene isn't hard. 0.99
01:54:15.000 It's soft, and it's stupid, and he's right. 0.99
01:54:18.000 And I fucking rewrote it. 1.00
01:54:19.000 I woke up my cousin, I rewrote it, and I said, what do you think? 0.98
01:54:22.000 You think it's better?
01:54:23.000 And he goes, I don't know if they're gonna let you do it.
01:54:25.000 And I said, I know, but I just, I'm listening to Joe, and And, like, if you're a little bit of a lighthouse for us comics, where, you know, you've always given me great advice, and I'm hearing you say it third-hand through a podcast.
01:54:37.000 We rewrote it.
01:54:38.000 I went in.
01:54:39.000 I gave it to Peter Tensio.
01:54:40.000 I said, can we shoot this also? 0.99
01:54:43.000 Shoot this one also. 1.00
01:54:44.000 Do the one you want for safety. 1.00
01:54:45.000 Peter Tensio read it and laughed, sent it to the director.
01:54:48.000 He read it, or the producer, Cale, loved it, and he was like, let's shoot this one instead.
01:54:52.000 Beautiful. 0.98
01:54:53.000 And so we fucking come out hard. 0.99
01:54:55.000 That's great. 0.99
01:54:56.000 It also sounds like a group of people get you.
01:54:58.000 Yeah.
01:54:59.000 Sometimes, you know, when a guy's his first big movie, you know, they'll tell you what to do and give you advice that might not necessarily work with your personality.
01:55:09.000 Well, people want to be safe, and they don't want to get fired, man.
01:55:13.000 Everyone's got a BMW, and they've got to pay the payment.
01:55:15.000 Bro, imagine being the lady that decided to do that Bud Light campaign with Dylan Mulvaney.
01:55:23.000 Imagine.
01:55:24.000 Like, never thinking that a mistake that you make in a company could go that bad. 0.58
01:55:31.000 And so people, when they see something like that in the news, they get so fucking scared.
01:55:37.000 Of being the person that gets involved in another thing like that, for the left or for the right.
01:55:42.000 It's companies that are learning, that are attaching yourself to these sociopolitical things.
01:55:49.000 There's consequences.
01:55:50.000 People get mad.
01:55:51.000 They get really mad.
01:55:52.000 The day that commercial came out, I'm in.
01:55:55.000 Can I get that letter?
01:55:56.000 Yeah, please. 0.99
01:55:57.000 The day that commercial comes out, I'm in some fucking arena. 0.84
01:56:01.000 I only say arena so that we know the conversation that you don't try out a lot of new material in arenas. 0.99
01:56:07.000 You know, an arena show is pretty fucking dialed in. 0.94
01:56:10.000 Yeah, pretty dialed in. 0.97
01:56:11.000 So I bring out a Bud Light.
01:56:12.000 I've been drinking on stage lately.
01:56:14.000 I bring out a Bud Light, and this dude boos.
01:56:17.000 He goes, boo!
01:56:18.000 And I'm like, what? 1.00
01:56:20.000 And he's like, don't drink that shit. 1.00
01:56:21.000 That's trans shit. 1.00
01:56:23.000 And I'm like, huh? 1.00
01:56:24.000 And this woman goes, he's talking about the commercial.
01:56:27.000 I was like, wait, because I don't follow the news at all. 0.99
01:56:29.000 I go, what the fuck's going on? 0.98
01:56:31.000 And then people start talking. 1.00
01:56:32.000 They go, Bud Light did a commercial with a trans lady. 0.95
01:56:35.000 Kid Rock showed up the beer.
01:56:36.000 No one's drinking Bud Light now.
01:56:38.000 And then I said, I go, now mind you, we're in an arena.
01:56:41.000 I'm rolling the dice pretty hard.
01:56:43.000 I go, I don't think they went hard enough.
01:56:45.000 I go, if I was at Bud Light, this is a commercial I'd make.
01:56:49.000 Dude's on the corner of his bed.
01:56:51.000 He's got a Bud Light in his hand.
01:56:52.000 His chick's behind him. 0.94
01:56:53.000 She's like, are we going to do this or what?
01:56:55.000 He's like, no, no, no.
01:56:56.000 We're doing it.
01:56:57.000 And he kills the Bud Light. 1.00
01:56:59.000 And then he gets in the bed and he sucks his girlfriend's cock. 1.00
01:57:02.000 That's the fucking trans commercial I want to see. 1.00
01:57:04.000 I like that. 1.00
01:57:05.000 Yeah.
01:57:06.000 That's representative.
01:57:07.000 And all you see is his head going up and down.
01:57:09.000 Nice.
01:57:10.000 And then her voice lowers.
01:57:11.000 Like, yeah. 1.00
01:57:11.000 Play with the balls. 1.00
01:57:12.000 Play with the balls. 0.95
01:57:13.000 Whoa. 1.00
01:57:14.000 And then he fucking swallows. 0.99
01:57:15.000 This is very specific. 1.00
01:57:16.000 And then he follows it with another Bud Light.
01:57:18.000 This is a chaser.
01:57:19.000 That's inclusive.
01:57:21.000 It is.
01:57:22.000 It's better.
01:57:23.000 Yeah.
01:57:24.000 Yeah, just go hard.
01:57:25.000 Just go so far the other door.
01:57:27.000 I wonder how much further...
01:57:30.000 Do people forgive?
01:57:32.000 Because if these people...
01:57:33.000 Look, the right-wingers generally tend to be Christian.
01:57:38.000 Do you think they forgive by the light?
01:57:39.000 Is there forgiveness in that?
01:57:40.000 Or is there no forgiveness in a large corporation that attaches...
01:57:45.000 Is it a lesson for the other corporations if you want to attach yourself to polarizing viewpoints and things that are hot-button social topics?
01:57:55.000 There's consequences.
01:57:57.000 I don't know.
01:57:58.000 I hope it's not.
01:57:59.000 Why are corporations getting involved in social stuff anyway?
01:58:02.000 There's only one reason.
01:58:03.000 Because they think that it's going to benefit their bottom line.
01:58:06.000 Up until now.
01:58:07.000 But now it's different.
01:58:09.000 Now they're doing things.
01:58:11.000 They're getting involved in social issues because they think they have to.
01:58:15.000 And the company has to be representative.
01:58:17.000 And they have to go out there and get involved in these things.
01:58:20.000 Your silence is deafening.
01:58:22.000 That's the thing.
01:58:22.000 When the black squares came out?
01:58:24.000 Do you remember when the black squares came out?
01:58:25.000 They forced you into compliance.
01:58:28.000 And anytime someone's asking you, forcing you into compliance, that is not, never good.
01:58:34.000 It's never good.
01:58:34.000 Because if they can do it with that, then it keeps moving further and further down the line, and then you've got some weird new quasi-freedom.
01:58:43.000 Well, you know what it is?
01:58:44.000 Here's the slippery slope, though.
01:58:46.000 So you're getting ready to do a Hollywood premiere, right?
01:58:49.000 And they're at the front, and they're like, hey, do we stand with all women?
01:58:52.000 And some dude, I won't say names, but some dude who's an actor is like, part of him's like, hey man, I got dirt.
01:58:59.000 I got dirt.
01:59:00.000 So I don't want to put the thing on to look like I'm being disingenuous, but maybe I'll skate by.
01:59:05.000 Oh, they give you a pin?
01:59:06.000 They give you a pin.
01:59:07.000 Oh, come on. 0.87
01:59:08.000 You can't force someone to wear a pin.
01:59:09.000 That's crazy.
01:59:10.000 It's how, I won't say anyone's name, so I don't want to drag up all stuff, but how a couple dudes got caught. 0.92
01:59:15.000 They who they wore a pin on the carpet and then activists like hold on you got shit in your closet Get the fuck out and so a lot of people just it's like Even it's for the best cause in the world if someone's getting you to join join us Join us now.
01:59:32.000 You're part of social structures. 0.98
01:59:33.000 Yeah, you're part of these weird things that people do when they join groups, you know, it's like if you had pins On, and you came with them, maybe?
01:59:45.000 Do you agree with us about anything?
01:59:49.000 Even if it was an American flag that would freak people out.
01:59:52.000 Do this for America.
01:59:53.000 Put this on for America.
01:59:54.000 People would start going, hey, you're going to make me put something on?
01:59:57.000 You're going to hand me something?
01:59:59.000 Shame me if I don't put the flag on?
02:00:01.000 The black square was that.
02:00:02.000 I woke up that morning.
02:00:04.000 I think it was pandemic times, right?
02:00:06.000 June 2020, yeah.
02:00:08.000 Pandemic times.
02:00:08.000 I woke up in bed, and I opened it, and I saw a black square, and I thought it was cool.
02:00:13.000 I thought it was cool.
02:00:14.000 I was like, that's cool, man.
02:00:16.000 Yeah, stand up for Black Lives Matter and post the squares. 0.98
02:00:20.000 I was like, that's pretty cool.
02:00:22.000 And then I saw people not posting.
02:00:24.000 I'm like posting a picture of their mom or something.
02:00:26.000 And everyone's like lighting up. 0.99
02:00:28.000 Oh, so you hate black people? 0.99
02:00:29.000 And then I was like, oh, this looks a little toxic. 1.00
02:00:31.000 I go, you know what?
02:00:31.000 I'm going to stay away from this today.
02:00:32.000 I like that it's happening.
02:00:34.000 I support that it's happening.
02:00:35.000 But I may not be the right guy to post up a black square, right? 1.00
02:00:39.000 In the special that just aired, I had a joke about... 0.75
02:00:42.000 Me and a black dude that maybe could have been on the fence, right?
02:00:44.000 So I was like, I might not be the spokesman they want. 0.66
02:00:48.000 And this is back when I looked at my DMs, and then my DMs are like, no black square? 0.97
02:00:53.000 No black square, so this is who you are. 1.00
02:00:55.000 This is who you are, Bert.
02:00:56.000 And I'm talking like a few.
02:00:58.000 You've made money. 0.56
02:00:59.000 You just did your last special and you made a joke about a black guy. 0.53
02:01:03.000 Stand with him. 0.99
02:01:04.000 How dare you make the money off black? 1.00
02:01:06.000 And I'm sitting there going, well, fuck, man. 1.00
02:01:08.000 And I'm really assessing who I am as a person. 1.00
02:01:11.000 And I'm like, well, I do.
02:01:13.000 And then you're laying in bed.
02:01:14.000 This is all happening in bed.
02:01:15.000 You're like, I do support. 0.86
02:01:17.000 Some of my favorite human beings are black.
02:01:20.000 My bus driver, who I love to death, Ron, I was like, well, is he thinking this about me?
02:01:25.000 And then you post to Black Square, and then it's the other side. 1.00
02:01:28.000 Oh, so you're one of those cuck cowards. 1.00
02:01:30.000 And then you eliminate the comments, and god fucking damn. 1.00
02:01:35.000 And then you're like, I guess I'm throwing my phone into the river. 0.99
02:01:40.000 Yeah, man, it's a tribal thing that happens with human beings, especially with polarizing ideas.
02:01:47.000 You know, whether it's a woman's right to choose, or whether it's pro-choice, or whether it's, you know, do you support Black Lives Matter?
02:01:57.000 The real problem becomes when people enforce compliance, and they want you to comply, whether it's like they're doing it socially, whether they're threatening your livelihood.
02:02:08.000 Like, you can force people to think a certain way if it...
02:02:12.000 If their livelihood depends on it.
02:02:14.000 And we know that that happens, man. 1.00
02:02:16.000 It's sketchy shit. 0.99
02:02:18.000 It happened, you know, when they tried to cancel you. 0.99
02:02:26.000 And people started...
02:02:28.000 Like, I wasn't aware that it was going on.
02:02:30.000 And I'd wake up, and my DMs were lit up.
02:02:33.000 How dare you not support Joe? 0.98
02:02:35.000 And I'm like, I don't even know what's fucking happened. 0.93
02:02:37.000 And then I... And then you sit there for a moment, you sit at your desk, and you find out what's going on, and you write something, and you go, I know this is gonna, like, I know some of these LA parents that I'm friends with, or some of my, you know, aren't gonna like my stance right now, 0.71
02:02:53.000 but this is my friend.
02:02:54.000 I don't remember what I wrote.
02:02:56.000 I don't remember what I wrote, but I posted a picture of me and you.
02:02:59.000 I said something, I'm very privileged to have Joe as my friend.
02:03:02.000 I love him, I stand by him, whatever.
02:03:05.000 Whatever, whatever. 0.99
02:03:06.000 Dude, you want to fucking talk about fucking throwing a fucking... 0.99
02:03:10.000 And then I got a text from my dad. 1.00
02:03:13.000 My dad, it was a phone call.
02:03:16.000 My dad goes, buddy.
02:03:18.000 You know, I know I met Joey.
02:03:20.000 He's a sweet guy.
02:03:22.000 I don't really stand for whatever's going on with him right now, but I'm so proud to have raised a man that stands by his friends. 0.98
02:03:29.000 And you're like, oh yeah, that's the fucking, that's the real world. 0.98
02:03:32.000 That's the world Joey Diaz lives in. 0.99
02:03:34.000 That real interaction, you have another human being where you go...
02:03:37.000 I did the right thing.
02:03:39.000 I'm going to start my day. 1.00
02:03:40.000 Fuck the internet. 1.00
02:03:42.000 Fuck the comments. 1.00
02:03:43.000 I'm not going to fucking sit there in the comments and start fighting with people. 1.00
02:03:46.000 I got into fucking indigenous mascots last night randomly on a fucking someone else's post and I'm reading all these comments and I'm getting worked up and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 0.99
02:03:56.000 I like the old school mascot for Florida State. 1.00
02:03:58.000 Fuck it. 1.00
02:03:58.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00
02:04:01.000 Which thing? 0.99
02:04:02.000 Was this the N-word video?
02:04:04.000 N-word video.
02:04:04.000 Yeah.
02:04:04.000 Yeah.
02:04:09.000 I could see why people would be so upset, obviously.
02:04:13.000 We used to say the word in a way, like, if you were, like, using it in a sentence, like, talk about a Richard Pryor routine, if you were...
02:04:22.000 It just...
02:04:25.000 It didn't seem as offensive then as it does now.
02:04:27.000 Now it seems like impossibly offensive.
02:04:30.000 That's what's interesting is that there's no words that are really that way where it's positive if certain people use it and negative if other people use it.
02:04:42.000 You could say it as an affirmation.
02:04:45.000 You could say it as a punishment.
02:04:49.000 A punchline sometimes.
02:04:50.000 A punchline sometimes.
02:04:51.000 So many stand-ups.
02:04:52.000 Derek Poston, shout out to him.
02:04:53.000 I counted last time.
02:04:54.000 I think it was 25. And he did 10 minutes.
02:04:57.000 I mean, it's...
02:04:59.000 If you're a stand-up, I mean, it is a very valuable word.
02:05:04.000 But you know what's crazy?
02:05:05.000 I watched Derek last night. 0.98
02:05:07.000 Fucking hilarious. 0.98
02:05:07.000 And he uses the word a lot. 0.98
02:05:09.000 And I started counting a couple times.
02:05:10.000 I was like, this is because I've just seen you.
02:05:13.000 You know, just seen you. 0.99
02:05:15.000 And you have a, not spoiler alert, but great fucking thing. 0.98
02:05:19.000 And I watched Derek, and I kind of counted, and I thought, what's amazing? 0.97
02:05:23.000 Is they are not even hearing the word, really.
02:05:26.000 They're not hearing the word as if if I said it, they'd hear it.
02:05:29.000 It's just skating by.
02:05:31.000 When he says it, it doesn't cause any tension.
02:05:34.000 It's amazing.
02:05:35.000 It's amazing.
02:05:35.000 But that's what's so weird about that word, is that it's the only word where the amount of melanin in your skin predicates whether or not you can say it.
02:05:46.000 Where you're from that dictates where you can say it.
02:05:48.000 It's a word that is privileged to a certain group.
02:05:52.000 I mean, not privileged.
02:05:53.000 Obviously, it's a terrible slur pointed at people.
02:05:58.000 But when they're using it the way they want to use it, whether it's in hip-hop lyrics or whether it's in stand-up comedy, when they're using it the way they want to use it, It's a beautiful, like, social tool.
02:06:09.000 It's melodic.
02:06:10.000 Oh, my God.
02:06:11.000 For stand-up comedy, I think it gives an extra layer of flavor.
02:06:15.000 Like, if, like, Chappelle uses it.
02:06:17.000 Chappelle's got a joke about... 0.99
02:06:20.000 I won't even fucking... 0.98
02:06:22.000 But about him and this dude in the car, and a cop pulls up next to him, and it's a white guy, and he's like, I think we should race him. 0.98
02:06:29.000 And Chappelle goes...
02:06:31.000 But the word is the thing, and it gives it such a, like...
02:06:37.000 Where you're like, it just sparkles.
02:06:39.000 Well, Chris Rock is one of the greatest bits ever on that word. 0.95
02:06:43.000 I mean, it's a fucking amazing bit.
02:06:46.000 It's just a very, very strange word in terms of all the other words that exist. 0.93
02:06:52.000 That's the only one.
02:06:56.000 There's no positive slurs against Jews.
02:07:03.000 Right?
02:07:03.000 There's no slurs against Jews that if someone was Jewish, they could say in a positive way.
02:07:11.000 Well, hang on.
02:07:12.000 The flip is, Jewish people... 0.99
02:07:15.000 I'm getting comfortable. 0.98
02:07:17.000 Jewish people will mock their Judaism in front of you. 1.00
02:07:20.000 Yes. 0.96
02:07:22.000 Like Ari will. 0.70
02:07:23.000 Yeah, I can't throw a baseball.
02:07:24.000 You know, typical Jew. 1.00
02:07:26.000 But if you said it to them, they'd be like, what the fuck are you trying to say? 1.00
02:07:28.000 Right. 0.99
02:07:29.000 And you're like, and here's the thing I was trying to think of last night.
02:07:33.000 I wanted to talk to you about that thing you're doing, because I was like, it's really brilliant.
02:07:38.000 And one of the things I was thinking is like, It's possible that white people don't have a word that is as explosive or volatile to us that means so much.
02:07:51.000 And so maybe we can't understand.
02:07:54.000 No way.
02:07:54.000 We can't understand.
02:07:55.000 But it's crazy, just as a word, that the flip side of it...
02:08:00.000 They can use it, and it just sounds fine.
02:08:03.000 It doesn't offend anybody.
02:08:04.000 We're all just sitting there.
02:08:05.000 Everyone's laughing.
02:08:06.000 It makes times better.
02:08:07.000 It's a weird word, man.
02:08:09.000 Snoop said it to me when I walked.
02:08:12.000 We were at this event.
02:08:13.000 I told you, and I said, I want to go hang out with Snoop.
02:08:17.000 And Leanne's like, can't you hang out with Snoop? 0.95
02:08:19.000 I go, he's my friend.
02:08:20.000 If we can't hang out, then we're not friends.
02:08:23.000 So I went over, I said to the guy, I was like, tell Papa Bert's here.
02:08:28.000 And he was like, what?
02:08:30.000 No.
02:08:30.000 And I was like, just tell Papa Bert's here.
02:08:32.000 And he's like, who's Papa?
02:08:34.000 I go, just yell, Papa Bert's here.
02:08:35.000 He goes, Papa, Bert's here.
02:08:37.000 And he's like, yeah, dog wants to see him.
02:08:39.000 And then I just walked through.
02:08:40.000 I went back.
02:08:42.000 First words out of Snoop's mouth.
02:08:44.000 My end.
02:08:45.000 And I felt so much love. 0.99
02:08:47.000 I felt so much fucking love. 0.99
02:08:49.000 I felt so much love. 0.99
02:08:51.000 Isn't that crazy?
02:08:51.000 Isn't that crazy?
02:08:52.000 That word is so, it's just as a word.
02:08:55.000 It's so fascinating.
02:08:57.000 And if I, now the exact opposite, if I had said that to him, it would have ruined the night.
02:09:02.000 Oh yeah, yeah.
02:09:04.000 And we're aware of that social interaction, but at the same time, There was this time where people thought, like I remember reading the word in high school during reading Huck Finn,
02:09:19.000 reading it aloud.
02:09:20.000 Reading it aloud.
02:09:22.000 Is that still in it or did they change the words?
02:09:25.000 I don't know.
02:09:25.000 Because I think some...
02:09:29.000 Let's find out what's going on with that because I feel like I read that.
02:09:34.000 That there was some call to remove that word from Huckleberry Finn.
02:09:42.000 Yeah?
02:09:42.000 That's what it says.
02:09:44.000 Yeah, it's like...
02:09:45.000 Well, remember the Chevy Chase routine with Richard Pryor?
02:09:49.000 Yeah.
02:09:50.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:09:51.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00
02:09:52.000 On SNL? I mean, it's... 1.00
02:09:56.000 It was interesting, too, because there was a period of time where Quentin Tarantino had white people say it in his movies.
02:10:01.000 Oh, yeah.
02:10:01.000 Well, he said it a bunch of times in Pulp Fiction.
02:10:03.000 Alabama publisher says expurgation...
02:10:06.000 Is that the right word?
02:10:08.000 Expurgation.
02:10:08.000 I've never said that before.
02:10:09.000 I'm using that when I cum. 0.98
02:10:10.000 Hi! 0.97
02:10:12.000 Of more than 200 hurtful epithets will counter preemptive censorship that has seen Mark Twain's...
02:10:20.000 Yeah, okay, it censors the N-word.
02:10:22.000 What do they use in replace of that word?
02:10:25.000 They just call him Jim?
02:10:28.000 Oh.
02:10:30.000 You're reading the words.
02:10:32.000 Read all the words they say.
02:10:33.000 Oh my god, they're going to replace it with the word slave.
02:10:36.000 Wait, what?
02:10:37.000 Wow.
02:10:38.000 In the new edition, the word will be replaced in each instance by slave.
02:10:42.000 The word engine will also be replaced in the text.
02:10:47.000 I wonder what...
02:10:48.000 That's an interesting word.
02:10:49.000 I never really heard that word growing up.
02:10:51.000 Engine?
02:10:52.000 Yeah.
02:10:52.000 And we grew up in Florida where the Seminole tribe was like really big.
02:10:56.000 Well, they were like the only unconquered tribe.
02:10:59.000 Seminole tribe. 0.89
02:11:00.000 Yeah.
02:11:01.000 We did...
02:11:01.000 I did the Civic Center in Tallahassee.
02:11:04.000 And right before the show, they gave me the spear.
02:11:08.000 Have I told you this story?
02:11:09.000 No.
02:11:09.000 I just don't like repeating myself and I do it a lot.
02:11:11.000 It's okay.
02:11:12.000 I forget stories.
02:11:13.000 Good.
02:11:18.000 I enjoy them in the moment, but there's too many of them.
02:11:21.000 My database is so overwhelmed. 0.99
02:11:23.000 I'm like a shitty old computer that has way too many fucking movies on it. 0.99
02:11:30.000 Growing up in Tampa, I had no civic pride. 0.99
02:11:32.000 Like, kids in Boston, you had civic pride.
02:11:34.000 You wore the Red Sox hat. 0.99
02:11:35.000 We just had the Bucs, and they sucked.
02:11:37.000 When I went to Florida State, when I started going to Florida State, my dad said, uh, You're going to have so much fun.
02:11:43.000 You're going to really experience a community.
02:11:45.000 Those football games, I didn't understand what he was saying.
02:11:47.000 My dad grew up in New York, Yankees fan.
02:11:50.000 Like, my dad understood that and knew I didn't have it as a kid.
02:11:53.000 And I went to Florida State and my first game, I didn't really understand.
02:11:56.000 We're all wearing the same colors.
02:11:57.000 We're doing the Tomahawk chant. 0.62
02:11:59.000 And that first game, Chief Osceola comes out on Renegade.
02:12:03.000 And he has, on the horse, have you ever seen this?
02:12:05.000 No.
02:12:05.000 He has a burning spear.
02:12:07.000 And he comes out.
02:12:09.000 Jamie, you've got to pull it up.
02:12:10.000 So beautiful.
02:12:11.000 On bareback on a horse.
02:12:12.000 Dude dressed, Native American, dressed Native American like a seminal with a burning spear. 1.00
02:12:17.000 And he goes out to the center of the fucking thing. 1.00
02:12:19.000 And he rears Renegade back on his two legs. 0.99
02:12:22.000 And he holds it there.
02:12:23.000 And the whole crowd's going, ah!
02:12:25.000 And then he spikes the burning spear in the center.
02:12:27.000 The place explodes.
02:12:28.000 Look at this.
02:12:29.000 Look at this.
02:12:35.000 A kid from Florida, I'm seeing this.
02:12:41.000 This is me. 0.99
02:12:42.000 I'm fucking 18 years old. 0.99
02:12:44.000 This is so crazy. 1.00
02:12:45.000 Just committing a hate crime.
02:12:46.000 What is the hand forward supposed to represent?
02:12:48.000 Throwing the spear.
02:12:50.000 Oh, really?
02:12:50.000 Yeah.
02:12:51.000 Throwing the spear. 0.88
02:12:52.000 This is so psycho. 0.67
02:12:54.000 Dude, this is me at 18 with no idea. 1.00
02:12:56.000 I'm high as shit. 1.00
02:12:57.000 This is so psycho. 1.00
02:12:57.000 I'm drunk. 1.00
02:12:58.000 I don't know what's going on.
02:12:59.000 My dad told me to get ready for this, and I'm a part of this in the moment, right?
02:13:04.000 Dote Campbell Stadium. 0.97
02:13:06.000 One of the coolest college experiences you could ever have in a million fucking years. 1.00
02:13:10.000 Fuck the Irish. 1.00
02:13:11.000 Football. 1.00
02:13:12.000 Fuck Shane Gillis. 1.00
02:13:13.000 Football. 1.00
02:13:13.000 Shane Gillis, you fat fuck. 1.00
02:13:15.000 Fuck your team. 1.00
02:13:16.000 Yeah, shut him. 1.00
02:13:17.000 Yeah, shut the fuck up and stay there. 1.00
02:13:19.000 Look at this. 1.00
02:13:21.000 This is Florida State, baby.
02:13:23.000 Listen, man.
02:13:23.000 Football is war with a condom on.
02:13:27.000 Did they show Chief Osceola throwing the spear yet?
02:13:30.000 This is a representation of war.
02:13:32.000 Everyone's chanting and cheering for their warriors.
02:13:36.000 These warriors spill out onto the field.
02:13:38.000 Yeah.
02:13:39.000 But wait, wait, you gotta see Osceola.
02:13:42.000 Okay, but do you realize how crazy this looks?
02:13:44.000 Look at this!
02:13:45.000 These are Osceola! 1.00
02:13:46.000 Yeah, fuck yeah! 1.00
02:13:47.000 Let's get after them, boys! 1.00
02:13:48.000 Oh, you're getting territorial. 1.00
02:13:49.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00
02:13:50.000 This is me. 1.00
02:13:51.000 This is my fucking... 1.00
02:13:52.000 That's not you, Bert. 1.00
02:13:53.000 You live in Burbank.
02:13:54.000 Watch this, watch this, watch this. 1.00
02:13:54.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
02:13:55.000 This is who I was. 1.00
02:13:56.000 This is my grooming, Joe.
02:13:57.000 This is the snakes I grew up with.
02:13:59.000 These are the gators I grew up with. 1.00
02:14:00.000 Okay.
02:14:01.000 And then...
02:14:02.000 You're so excited about a team still with people you don't know.
02:14:05.000 But these are my colors!
02:14:07.000 Oh, I get it now.
02:14:09.000 No, I don't.
02:14:09.000 And then you've got to see.
02:14:11.000 Go to Chief Osceola.
02:14:12.000 It's not showing it on this video.
02:14:13.000 They're not showing it?
02:14:14.000 No.
02:14:14.000 That's one of the things that I like about combat sports.
02:14:16.000 There's none of this.
02:14:17.000 So then he throws a spear in.
02:14:20.000 The place pops.
02:14:21.000 The place pops.
02:14:22.000 80,000 people pops.
02:14:23.000 I start crying.
02:14:25.000 Aww.
02:14:26.000 Like...
02:14:26.000 Can you imagine?
02:14:29.000 I start crying.
02:14:30.000 So I'm like, I'm a part of something.
02:14:32.000 Something bigger than me, I'm a part of it for the first time in my life.
02:14:35.000 So I come back to play the arena.
02:14:38.000 Oh, hold on.
02:14:39.000 Hit pause.
02:14:40.000 I go back to play the arena.
02:14:42.000 And they have everything.
02:14:43.000 I mean, everything.
02:14:45.000 So it's your roles?
02:14:46.000 No, they're welcome back, birdie boy.
02:14:49.000 It's like they have a red carpet lined up.
02:14:51.000 And they say to me, and I take a walk through campus, and kids are sticking their heads out the window. 0.66
02:14:58.000 It's so silly that I get emotional about this.
02:15:00.000 And they say to me, they go, at the end they go, they said, hey, there's a present we want to give you before you go on stage. 1.00
02:15:06.000 I'm such a fucking idiot. 1.00
02:15:07.000 I thought I was getting a doctorate. 1.00
02:15:09.000 I thought they were going to give me like the cap and gown, your doctor partying or some shit. 0.98
02:15:12.000 And they give me the spear. 1.00
02:15:14.000 They give me the fucking spear. 1.00
02:15:15.000 And they're like, hey. 1.00
02:15:16.000 And then this is me. 0.99
02:15:19.000 This is one of the greatest moments of my fucking life. 0.99
02:15:22.000 You taking your shirt off? 1.00
02:15:23.000 No, take a look at this. 0.99
02:15:25.000 Tell me how fucking beautiful that is. 0.98
02:15:26.000 Oh yeah, I saw this. 0.99
02:15:27.000 I saw this on your Instagram.
02:15:28.000 This is amazing. 1.00
02:15:31.000 Look at all they're doing at Tomahawk with their fucking hands. 1.00
02:15:35.000 Everyone's doing it with their phones. 1.00
02:15:36.000 This is...
02:15:37.000 Boy, it'd be so easy to start a cult there. 1.00
02:15:40.000 Fuck yes. 1.00
02:15:41.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
02:15:42.000 You can just...
02:15:42.000 Send me back.
02:15:44.000 You're ready.
02:15:44.000 Send me back, brother.
02:15:46.000 It is...
02:15:47.000 It's so...
02:15:47.000 Play that at my funeral.
02:15:48.000 Isn't that interesting? 0.99
02:15:49.000 How fucking territorial people are? 0.99
02:15:52.000 And how much they love, like, this... 0.99
02:15:54.000 An area that they're from.
02:15:56.000 Yeah.
02:15:57.000 It's crazy.
02:15:57.000 But it's also, like, what you're talking about, like, survive...
02:16:00.000 Yeah, there it is.
02:16:01.000 You're talking about surviving alligators and living in the swamps with wild folks.
02:16:05.000 That's how we get down.
02:16:06.000 That's how you get down.
02:16:07.000 That's how you get down. 1.00
02:16:08.000 Go to fucking... 1.00
02:16:09.000 Go to Australia and do a show and they're all going, Shooey! 1.00
02:16:13.000 Shooey! 1.00
02:16:14.000 I got a throat infection.
02:16:16.000 From drinking out of people's shoes?
02:16:17.000 I drank out of so many shoes, Joe.
02:16:19.000 Jesus Christ.
02:16:20.000 I had to stop.
02:16:21.000 You had a throat infection?
02:16:22.000 I got a throat infection.
02:16:23.000 So even all the alcohol that we were throwing down wasn't enough to counteract the funk? 1.00
02:16:27.000 Of someone's fucking dirty feet that he was sucking on. 1.00
02:16:29.000 It was my shoes. 1.00
02:16:30.000 I started buying new shoes so I could do more shoes.
02:16:33.000 Oh, that's so gross. 0.78
02:16:33.000 That's so gross. 0.78
02:16:34.000 Your own shoe? 0.98
02:16:35.000 You drinking your own funk?
02:16:37.000 No, what's worse?
02:16:38.000 Yeah, your funk would be way better than someone else's.
02:16:41.000 Joe, I was buying brand new shoes just to drink out of.
02:16:43.000 Oh, Christ.
02:16:44.000 Very seldomly in America do I wake up going, what shoe am I going to drink out of today? 0.99
02:16:47.000 And that was every fucking day in Australia. 0.98
02:16:49.000 Yeah, you got to give up on that idea. 1.00
02:16:52.000 These people are...
02:16:52.000 Stop.
02:16:53.000 I don't want to see this.
02:16:54.000 If you Google Burt Shuey, you'll see them all over the place.
02:16:57.000 What if that's good for your gut biome?
02:17:00.000 You're so Joe Rogan!
02:17:02.000 Yeah.
02:17:04.000 I wonder. 0.94
02:17:05.000 You are the weirdest dude I know.
02:17:08.000 I wonder if there's good for your gut bio.
02:17:10.000 Yeah, I would imagine if it stresses you a little.
02:17:14.000 Like, people in some countries, they drink their water and they don't have a problem.
02:17:19.000 But if an American went over there and drank their water, they would get deathly sick.
02:17:23.000 Mexico.
02:17:24.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:17:25.000 You can't brush your teeth with that shit. 1.00
02:17:27.000 Montezuma's revenge. 1.00
02:17:29.000 Gives you asshole fucking jet spray. 1.00
02:17:33.000 Bad diarrhea, hangover, right? 1.00
02:17:36.000 It's real bad, right?
02:17:37.000 We did it to the Native Americans. 1.00
02:17:38.000 We rolled over here and just fucking infected them. 1.00
02:17:40.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99
02:17:41.000 Yeah.
02:17:41.000 With like little things.
02:17:42.000 Smallpox.
02:17:43.000 Was it smallpox?
02:17:44.000 Mm-hmm.
02:17:44.000 Oh.
02:17:44.000 Yeah.
02:17:45.000 They literally killed 90% of the population.
02:17:50.000 Ninety percent.
02:17:52.000 We think of the genocide as being like us killing or not us.
02:17:58.000 My family came over here in the 20th century.
02:18:01.000 But we think of it as, yeah, massacres.
02:18:04.000 But it wasn't.
02:18:04.000 It was that for sure.
02:18:06.000 There was a lot of massacres.
02:18:08.000 It's a lot of atrocities.
02:18:10.000 But also, the majority of people were killed by diseases they had no immunity for.
02:18:16.000 And that's probably what happened with the Mayans, too.
02:18:19.000 When they think about, like, where this civilization that created these incredible structures, like, how did this happen?
02:18:26.000 You go back to Cabeza de Vaca, when there's a great book called The Land So Strange. 0.82
02:18:33.000 And it's all about these guys from Spain landing in Florida and making their way and running into the Mayans and like, what the fuck is going on down there? 0.90
02:18:44.000 Oh, dude. 0.92
02:18:45.000 Wait, what's the name of this book?
02:18:46.000 It's called A Land So Strange.
02:18:48.000 A Land So Strange.
02:18:49.000 Yeah.
02:18:50.000 What these guys encountered when they're talking about, when those early settlers encountered these incredible cities where people had all these gold ornaments and this incredible sophistication, and then when people went back later,
02:19:07.000 it was gone.
02:19:08.000 Everyone was dead. 0.92
02:19:09.000 Because those people that went there first and then came and told everybody about it, they killed them all. 0.93
02:19:16.000 They just breathed on them with that European funk.
02:19:20.000 The stuff that they had lived with, so they had immunity to it. 0.69
02:19:23.000 So when they came over here, they just killed everybody.
02:19:27.000 Jesus.
02:19:27.000 Yeah.
02:19:28.000 That's what happened to 90%, they think, of the Native Americans.
02:19:33.000 And happened probably throughout the Micronesia, probably, when James Cook started to discover everything? 0.95
02:19:41.000 Well, that's also one of the reasons why North Sentinel Island, that island where that missionary went and got murdered by the natives, They think that the reason why they're hostile to people is that at one point in time there was this guy who was a famous explorer slash pervert who used to travel around and take photographs of people dressed up in Roman costumes and shit.
02:20:06.000 A lot of these people, they went to a bunch of these sort of uncontacted islands and they kidnapped some people and got a bunch of people sick.
02:20:14.000 And a few people died from whatever they got sick from.
02:20:17.000 And so I think they've always connected people that visit them with sickness and death. 0.95
02:20:24.000 That guy fucked it up for everybody. 0.94
02:20:26.000 I had that feeling towards women for a while. 1.00
02:20:29.000 You get to clap once and you're like, I don't trust any fucking woman. 1.00
02:20:33.000 Venereal diseases are pretty wild. 1.00
02:20:36.000 Diseases are so crafty.
02:20:38.000 They figure out a way, like, how can I get in there?
02:20:42.000 I know. 1.00
02:20:42.000 I gotta get on that guy's dick. 1.00
02:20:44.000 Have you ever heard of VD? I never had anything that was worth talking about on a podcast. 1.00
02:20:57.000 Nothing deadly.
02:20:59.000 What's terrifying to me is that...
02:21:03.000 That's how people died in the 1400s.
02:21:07.000 Al Capone.
02:21:08.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:21:08.000 Al Capone had fucking syphilis. 1.00
02:21:11.000 Yeah, you watch those old photographs and video of... 1.00
02:21:15.000 Well, I guess not photographs, but...
02:21:17.000 Do they have video of anybody who has syphilis?
02:21:19.000 Oh, their nose goes away.
02:21:20.000 Everything. 0.84
02:21:21.000 Big holes in their faces. 1.00
02:21:23.000 Scary shit, man. 1.00
02:21:25.000 Because, like... 1.00
02:21:28.000 That fucking tissue rotting, what does that do to your insides? 1.00
02:21:33.000 You've got holes in your face and holes in the top of your head, and it's from sex? 1.00
02:21:39.000 Dude. 1.00
02:21:40.000 I've told this a million times, but you know that's where the term bigwigs comes from, right?
02:21:44.000 No.
02:21:45.000 You don't know this?
02:21:46.000 No.
02:21:46.000 There was these French royal guys, and they had syphilis, and so their hair was falling out, and they put on these wigs.
02:21:54.000 And when they were very popular socially, and everyone started wearing wigs.
02:22:00.000 And the more money you had, the bigger your wig was.
02:22:04.000 Really?
02:22:04.000 That's what big wig is.
02:22:05.000 Yeah.
02:22:06.000 I love those.
02:22:06.000 It comes from syphilis.
02:22:07.000 That should be an app.
02:22:08.000 I love those.
02:22:10.000 You know where cat in the bag came from?
02:22:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:22:13.000 There's some good ones like that.
02:22:13.000 Like long in the tooth?
02:22:15.000 Mm-hmm.
02:22:16.000 It's because you hold a horse's mouth open to see how long the tooth was, and that's not how old they were. 0.99
02:22:21.000 And then you start looking at old people's teeth, especially their bottom teeth, and they're really fucking long, and you're like, oh, wow, holy shit. 0.99
02:22:27.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:22:27.000 Your gums start falling apart. 0.99
02:22:29.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00
02:22:29.000 I like that shit. 1.00
02:22:30.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:22:31.000 It's interesting, those phrases, like where they come from.
02:22:34.000 But that one's particularly weird.
02:22:36.000 I wonder if we've started any as comics, because comedy's so big right now.
02:22:39.000 Like, give them the light.
02:22:41.000 Yeah, give them the light, maybe.
02:22:43.000 There's probably a few.
02:22:45.000 It's a fun time for comedy.
02:22:47.000 Dude.
02:22:48.000 It's a fun time.
02:22:49.000 Can I tell you, I was thinking about this in bed today.
02:22:51.000 I was like, I wonder, like, I'll put it in UFC terms.
02:22:55.000 Like, so, Oleg Taktarov.
02:23:00.000 Taktarov is in our movie.
02:23:01.000 I love that dude.
02:23:02.000 He loves you. 0.99
02:23:03.000 And he is a fun fucking hang. 0.99
02:23:05.000 He's a fun dude. 0.99
02:23:06.000 Do you remember when we FaceTimed you?
02:23:08.000 Yeah.
02:23:09.000 We were watching the World Cup soccer and I went to this hotel because the whole cast was over there.
02:23:13.000 He's a big dude. 0.99
02:23:14.000 He's a big dude and he's still strong as fuck and he's tight. 0.99
02:23:17.000 He's a strong man. 0.98
02:23:19.000 Oleg Tektorov was one of the first guys that I ever saw in MMA pull off leg locks against really high level competition.
02:23:29.000 And then I found out about Pancrase afterwards.
02:23:32.000 But Oleg was one of the first guys I think I ever saw that pulled off leg locks.
02:23:36.000 I was like, wow.
02:23:37.000 Yeah.
02:23:38.000 So I was thinking about this.
02:23:40.000 So he's in the movie.
02:23:41.000 He's a big actor.
02:23:42.000 He's a big actor now.
02:23:43.000 But when I ran into him, we were both drinking beers, and I didn't realize who it was.
02:23:47.000 And he just walks up to me in that Russian accent.
02:23:49.000 He's like, you know Joe?
02:23:51.000 And I was like, Rogan?
02:23:53.000 He goes, yeah, call him.
02:23:55.000 And I go, that's not how Joe works.
02:23:57.000 You don't just like FaceTime Joe.
02:23:59.000 And he goes, FaceTime Joe.
02:24:00.000 And I FaceTime you, and you picked up.
02:24:02.000 And he grabbed the phone, and he goes, Joe. 0.98
02:24:03.000 And you're like, Oleg, holy shit, what are you doing? 0.98
02:24:05.000 He goes, I'm doing a movie with him. 0.99
02:24:06.000 But I think about this when I think about comedy.
02:24:10.000 So you look at Oleg and the career he had. 0.98
02:24:12.000 He was a fucking legend, right? 0.99
02:24:13.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:24:14.000 You look at Hoyce Gracie.
02:24:15.000 You look at Ken Shamrock.
02:24:19.000 Tito Ortiz.
02:24:20.000 Right. 1.00
02:24:20.000 All these fucking guys with the fucking strong ear who used it against people. 1.00
02:24:28.000 Randy Couture. 1.00
02:24:29.000 Randy Couture.
02:24:31.000 Charades!
02:24:32.000 And then the other guy who always seemed like he got sliced on his eye by a glove during a fight and he had to tap out because he got sliced by a glove.
02:24:39.000 He used to fight against Randy all the time.
02:24:42.000 That was Randy, too, buddy.
02:24:44.000 No, no, no.
02:24:44.000 Randy got his eye cut.
02:24:45.000 Oh, was it Randy?
02:24:46.000 Yeah, it was against Vitor Belfort.
02:24:48.000 Chuck Liddell.
02:24:50.000 Oh, yeah, Chuck didn't have that issue.
02:24:53.000 I thought he did.
02:24:54.000 Yeah, no, that was Randy against Vitor Belfort.
02:24:57.000 It was just a very unusual injury, and it sliced the eyelid open, and they had to stop the fight.
02:25:03.000 Like, the actual eyelid had separated.
02:25:05.000 Yeah, I remember that.
02:25:06.000 Well, I remember it kind of.
02:25:07.000 They couldn't let him fight.
02:25:08.000 You think about all those guys, right?
02:25:10.000 Those are like the guys that started, the guys that were the one that piqued our interest.
02:25:15.000 They ran UFC. Ran UFC. And then you look at like Izzy and fucking Conor, and you see how much money someone like Conor makes.
02:25:24.000 And I always wonder if those guys look at Conor and go like, shit, man, you're welcome for the path I carved through the road, because you would have never gotten there. 0.99
02:25:33.000 Last night I'm hanging out with Dice. 0.98
02:25:35.000 I'm thinking, Dice is the first guy that ever did arenas. 0.98
02:25:40.000 Steve Martin did, but he was the only motherfucker that did arenas. 0.96
02:25:44.000 Yeah, he was the first, for sure. 0.98
02:25:45.000 The first guy to do...
02:25:46.000 What was the number he said?
02:25:49.000 He said some insane number.
02:25:50.000 Do you remember the number he said he did? 0.99
02:25:54.000 700 or some shit like that. 0.51
02:25:56.000 Some insane number of arenas. 0.99
02:25:59.000 I don't remember what the number was, but it was like, holy shit! 0.99
02:26:04.000 And we're talking about Carlin and fucking all the legends that were in the 80s. 0.99
02:26:13.000 They never got to do stadiums and arenas. 0.99
02:26:16.000 Andrew Schultz did the fucking Houston Stadium the other day. 0.98
02:26:20.000 He did the stadium. 0.99
02:26:21.000 I mean, Tommy did two shows at the United Center.
02:26:26.000 It's a wild time for comedy.
02:26:28.000 But I wonder if those comics look at us the same way Oleg and those guys look at Connor.
02:26:35.000 Like, he's just lucky timing.
02:26:37.000 We just showed up at a time when these people laid the foundation for what could become, you know?
02:26:43.000 Listen, you're gonna waste time and energy thinking about that.
02:26:48.000 Who cares what they think? 1.00
02:26:50.000 Mike Schmidt played for the fucking Phillies. 0.99
02:26:54.000 And then you see him negotiate a contract for $350,000. 0.99
02:26:58.000 And then you look at the guys negotiating for like $750,000.
02:27:01.000 It's just crazy that I was trying to break it down in my head.
02:27:05.000 I see what you're saying.
02:27:06.000 I see what you're saying.
02:27:08.000 But for sure, but that's going to be the case with the next generation that comes up after us.
02:27:13.000 They'll probably have some insane advantage as well.
02:27:16.000 Yeah.
02:27:16.000 I mean, there's just social media and podcasts just changed everything.
02:27:21.000 Changed everything.
02:27:22.000 Hold on.
02:27:22.000 You...
02:27:23.000 I'm gonna do two seconds, but you gave a lot to us.
02:27:27.000 You gave a lot to me.
02:27:29.000 No, no, no.
02:27:30.000 I meant to our community.
02:27:32.000 Yeah, but the community...
02:27:32.000 Because you didn't have, like, your three openers that you only put on.
02:27:36.000 It wasn't just you and your couple boys.
02:27:40.000 You opened it up to all of us, and you were like, hey Tom, who's your buddy Bert?
02:27:44.000 And then he's like, oh, you should meet Bert.
02:27:45.000 I want to meet him.
02:27:46.000 And then you'd put people over.
02:27:48.000 Hey Bert, who's that guy?
02:27:50.000 I'm saying this, but like, I had Tim on my podcast very early.
02:27:53.000 And then all of a sudden, like, you're like, hey, introduce me to Chris DiStefano, and all these guys that are like, you never had any jealousy about you.
02:28:01.000 You always were generous with your platform and with your fans.
02:28:05.000 And maybe not enough people know that, and maybe not enough people appreciate Just the feeling that we as a community have for you because you gave us things.
02:28:14.000 Not money, not anything, but just opportunities.
02:28:17.000 I said this to Big Boy on a podcast the other day.
02:28:21.000 You never cared about one-upping anyone.
02:28:25.000 I do that sometimes in podcasts.
02:28:26.000 I'm going to tell the story.
02:28:27.000 I tell the story that I think is better.
02:28:28.000 I do it.
02:28:29.000 I do it.
02:28:29.000 I do it.
02:28:29.000 I do it.
02:28:30.000 But you didn't.
02:28:31.000 You were like, that's a great story.
02:28:34.000 And then you go, hey, did you ever wonder how they built the pyramids?
02:28:37.000 And you just were curious and fun.
02:28:42.000 And I'm telling you, man.
02:28:46.000 I said to someone the other day, you got like 10 friends who do arenas.
02:28:52.000 Pretty crazy.
02:28:56.000 That never happened.
02:28:57.000 That's pretty wild.
02:28:58.000 You have ten of your best friends that do arenas.
02:29:02.000 Yeah.
02:29:02.000 There's not a lot.
02:29:03.000 I don't.
02:29:04.000 I don't.
02:29:04.000 I haven't put over people like that.
02:29:06.000 There's not a lot of comics out there that have done that for comedy.
02:29:08.000 And you never said, like, yo, can I get a cut of that or anything?
02:29:12.000 That's very nice of you to say, but in my defense, no one else had the opportunity that I had.
02:29:19.000 I had a very unique situation.
02:29:21.000 So for me, it makes sense.
02:29:24.000 It's mutually beneficial.
02:29:25.000 It's great for everybody.
02:29:26.000 It's great for the art form.
02:29:28.000 It's fun.
02:29:29.000 And I like when people do well.
02:29:31.000 I like it.
02:29:32.000 I've always liked it.
02:29:33.000 That's unique.
02:29:33.000 You know that, right?
02:29:34.000 It shouldn't be.
02:29:35.000 It's a mindset.
02:29:37.000 I could have fallen into the same jealous mindset that most people have.
02:29:41.000 I'm not a special person.
02:29:42.000 I just figured it out early on that it's actually a weakness.
02:29:46.000 See, I assessed, I analyzed like when I would feel bad about someone doing well.
02:29:51.000 I'm like, what is that about?
02:29:53.000 And I sat around and I thought about it for quite a bit.
02:29:56.000 And this was when I was like 21. Because I remember I had definitely had a lot of jealousy when I was fighting.
02:30:04.000 But then when I got into comedy, I sort of carried that over.
02:30:07.000 And one time I was thinking about it.
02:30:09.000 And it really bothered me.
02:30:11.000 Because I'm like, that seems like that's taking up a lot of my energy.
02:30:14.000 That I'm jealous of someone who's doing better than me.
02:30:17.000 Like, why would I do that?
02:30:19.000 Why, when I instead could have the exact same experience but be inspired?
02:30:25.000 I'm like, it's just a mindset switch.
02:30:27.000 And it also makes it so much easier to hang out with people and talk to people.
02:30:33.000 It makes you have better bonds with people. 0.96
02:30:36.000 If you can just fucking enjoy watching people do well and then do your best. 0.97
02:30:43.000 Do your best. 0.99
02:30:44.000 And enjoy watching people do well.
02:30:46.000 And I think that doing well is contagious.
02:30:49.000 And I think doing well, if you're around people that do well and you help them and they help you, I think it's contagious. 0.99
02:30:56.000 And I think that shit spreads. 0.99
02:30:58.000 You gave us success, Pod. 1.00
02:31:01.000 You were the settler that came into a bunch of indigenous people and gave us the sex box. 0.99
02:31:05.000 Because there's, I mean, you know, it's like...
02:31:09.000 Well, we have to take credit to the store, too, because it all really came to fruition at the store.
02:31:15.000 It's like the camaraderie that we all had at the store.
02:31:18.000 And that, you know, it was like the first group that actually benefited from each other rather than, you know, if you and I were both up for the same role in a sitcom, we're friends, but we see each other auditioning.
02:31:31.000 And it's like, and some guys will get shitty with you. 1.00
02:31:33.000 Just try to fuck with your head. 1.00
02:31:34.000 You know, I've experienced that before in auditions. 1.00
02:31:37.000 I was like, oh god, people insult you just to try to fuck with your head or try to make you feel bad before you go into the room. 0.98
02:31:45.000 But we didn't have that because we sort of made it in a time when the internet was coming alive. 0.99
02:31:54.000 And as our careers advanced, the internet did too.
02:31:58.000 And what happened was we all became a benefit to each other instead of a liability.
02:32:04.000 To have really funny friends that you could do podcasts with was great.
02:32:08.000 We would do each other's shows and we would all have fun together and then we would go to the Ice House and do shows there and do this and do that.
02:32:15.000 Because everyone became a great asset instead of a liability.
02:32:22.000 Yeah.
02:32:22.000 Yeah.
02:32:22.000 So instead of like a competition, like, oh, he might get the part, it became, oh, and then we also realized that when you do a bunch of shows like we were doing at the Ice House with a bunch of killers...
02:32:34.000 You get better. 1.00
02:32:35.000 Oh, fuck, yeah. 1.00
02:32:37.000 You get better. 1.00
02:32:37.000 You get better. 1.00
02:32:38.000 Everybody gets better.
02:32:38.000 Mark Norman watched me last night.
02:32:40.000 I told a joke that I... It's not a joke.
02:32:42.000 It was just something that happened to me once in life.
02:32:44.000 It's a story, but it's just a weird story.
02:32:47.000 And you need guys like Adam Egan or Mark Norman. 0.97
02:32:49.000 Mark Norman came up to me and goes, that's a fucking bit. 0.97
02:32:52.000 And I was like, for real? 0.99
02:32:53.000 He's like, dude, it's fucking hilarious. 0.97
02:32:56.000 Sometimes, right? 0.96
02:32:56.000 You just like, someone needs to tell you. 0.96
02:32:58.000 And then you're like, oh, I know I can say it.
02:33:00.000 I know how to...
02:33:01.000 Okay.
02:33:02.000 Dude.
02:33:02.000 And then you go to work on it.
02:33:03.000 I said one of the best jokes I had on Secret Time was not...
02:33:07.000 I go to film Secret Time, and the week before I spent every night at the store, and I said, I want to make sure where these holes are, because that's a pretty honest audience.
02:33:16.000 Mm-hmm.
02:33:17.000 And I randomly told a story about getting my wife pajamas for Christmas.
02:33:21.000 Just in the OR when you're bombing.
02:33:23.000 Yeah.
02:33:24.000 And then you're like, I gotta pivot.
02:33:25.000 Right.
02:33:26.000 And I'm just like, this will work.
02:33:27.000 This is a good story.
02:33:28.000 It wasn't in my hour.
02:33:30.000 And Adam Eagat pulled me aside.
02:33:31.000 He goes, that's the best joke you have.
02:33:33.000 Oh, that's hilarious.
02:33:34.000 And I went, that's not a joke.
02:33:35.000 And he goes, it better be in secret time.
02:33:37.000 And I go, no, it's not.
02:33:38.000 And I moved it up.
02:33:39.000 I took it that weekend.
02:33:41.000 That week I worked it out at the OR. Put it in secret time in the first like 14 minutes where I work specials differently, I think.
02:33:50.000 Put it in the first 14 minutes.
02:33:52.000 It's like the most, like the biggest joke I had. 1.00
02:33:55.000 And I go, thank God I'm around fucking smart motherfuckers. 1.00
02:33:58.000 Yeah, thank God. 0.99
02:34:01.000 It's nice to have a lot of people to bounce things off of, too.
02:34:05.000 That's been nice about being here. 0.99
02:34:07.000 I told Adam last night, because I worked with a young lady who's fucking a gangster. 1.00
02:34:11.000 She's a gangster. 1.00
02:34:12.000 She's awesome. 0.83
02:34:14.000 And Adam said, how did that happen?
02:34:17.000 And I go, I watched what Joe did with you.
02:34:19.000 He goes, what?
02:34:20.000 And I go, Joe wanted you.
02:34:21.000 He's like, Joe's like, I'm starting a club.
02:34:23.000 I want that guy.
02:34:24.000 And he said, I'm paraphrasing, tell me what you want.
02:34:28.000 Cool, let's do it.
02:34:30.000 I said the same thing to Victoria.
02:34:31.000 I said, tell me what you want.
02:34:33.000 Cool, let's do it. 1.00
02:34:34.000 You surround yourself by the motherfuckers, and you are golden. 0.99
02:34:39.000 And you walk in, Leanne said last night, Leanne had a beautiful experience at the comedy mothership. 1.00
02:34:45.000 She said to me this morning, I feel like Austin hasn't been any of mine because you always go there by yourself.
02:34:51.000 And it's so cool because she goes, you know, every club I go to with you, they know who I am.
02:34:56.000 And I just didn't think anyone would know me at the Comedy Mothership. 0.98
02:34:59.000 And then we stayed there until 3 in the fucking morning. 0.98
02:35:02.000 She goes, that's the coolest place. 0.99
02:35:03.000 She goes, did he hire everyone that's good?
02:35:07.000 And I went, everyone.
02:35:08.000 He got everyone. 1.00
02:35:10.000 And that's the fucking model. 1.00
02:35:12.000 Fucking surround yourself by the motherfuckers. 1.00
02:35:15.000 Yeah, do it the right way too. 1.00
02:35:17.000 Yeah.
02:35:18.000 If you're gonna do it.
02:35:18.000 And don't do it until you can do it the right way.
02:35:21.000 You know?
02:35:22.000 Bind your time.
02:35:24.000 Take chances.
02:35:26.000 Take chances.
02:35:27.000 Sell Fleshlights. 0.77
02:35:28.000 Yeah, have some fun out in this wild world. 0.98
02:35:31.000 Bert Kreischer, you were probably on episode like fucking three or something like that. 0.73
02:35:35.000 What episode was Bert Kreischer on?
02:35:37.000 No, it was late.
02:35:39.000 What was the number?
02:35:39.000 The Machine Story was number 95. Wow!
02:35:42.000 The Machine was number 95. Wait, what year was that?
02:35:45.000 Can you tell me?
02:35:46.000 I'm going to say that's 2010. The Machine Story.
02:35:56.000 I never would have told her on stage.
02:35:57.000 What a wild thing.
02:35:59.000 Out of all the things that have emerged from the podcast, this has got to be the most preposterous.
02:36:04.000 Number 73 might have been your first one.
02:36:05.000 73 is when I told the Tracy Morgan story.
02:36:08.000 So that was January 2013?
02:36:10.000 Shout out to Tracy, I'm so sorry.
02:36:11.000 2013?
02:36:12.000 Hold on, this is...
02:36:13.000 No, this is incorrect.
02:36:15.000 Okay.
02:36:16.000 Either way.
02:36:17.000 It was a long-ass time ago. 0.98
02:36:19.000 If you would have told me that you telling that story on the podcast would not just become like a part of your act you have to tell every time, it would also become a fucking movie that's about to come out. 0.94
02:36:33.000 I always said, what? 0.93
02:36:34.000 Yeah, it's gonna be like the number one movie in the country.
02:36:37.000 What are you talking about?
02:36:39.000 That story? 1.00
02:36:40.000 On this fucking show we did in a bedroom in my house? 1.00
02:36:44.000 How is this possible? 1.00
02:36:46.000 How is it possible?
02:36:48.000 That one was April 5th, 2011. 2011?
02:36:51.000 Dude!
02:36:52.000 That's when you told it. 1.00
02:36:53.000 April's my fucking month. 1.00
02:36:54.000 Wow. 1.00
02:36:55.000 April's my fucking month. 1.00
02:36:57.000 What a crazy fucking story. 1.00
02:36:58.000 The Rolling Stone magazine came out April 1st. 1.00
02:37:00.000 And for someone to try to take that story and say, do you support the mafia?
02:37:05.000 Are you a part of robbing?
02:37:06.000 Have your friends forgiven you?
02:37:07.000 Are you trying to play gotcha journalism? 0.93
02:37:10.000 How many dorks did you have to talk to when you did this media junket? 1.00
02:37:15.000 Look at that. 0.98
02:37:15.000 Look at young Bert. 0.98
02:37:16.000 Look at you.
02:37:17.000 Look at Joe Rogan with a beard.
02:37:18.000 Black beard.
02:37:20.000 Back in the day, son.
02:37:22.000 This is about the time I told it. 0.99
02:37:23.000 Last night you were here, there's a fucking story about the Russian mob. 1.00
02:37:26.000 We teased these bitches. 1.00
02:37:29.000 These people right now on Twitter, they have been going crazy all day. 0.99
02:37:31.000 Do not let Bert Kreischer get out of there without the Russian mob story, man. 0.99
02:37:35.000 Tell us what the fuck happened. 0.99
02:37:37.000 Go find that online, ladies and gentlemen, because it's fucking amazing. 0.99
02:37:40.000 That story changed my life, Joe. 0.99
02:37:43.000 That story changed my life.
02:37:45.000 Hey, we all changed each other's lives.
02:37:47.000 Legitimately.
02:37:48.000 We really did.
02:37:49.000 We got a great thing going on.
02:37:50.000 There's a lot of us.
02:37:51.000 It's a lot of fun.
02:37:53.000 These shows have been amazing.
02:37:55.000 It's such a good time.
02:37:57.000 Everyone's podcast is thriving.
02:37:59.000 It's beautiful.
02:38:00.000 Here's what I'll say.
02:38:01.000 Keep the good time rolling.
02:38:02.000 I'll tell you secret time.
02:38:04.000 More secret time? 0.79
02:38:05.000 If comedies do well in the theater, Next summer, your lineup has got Shane Gillis, in the movie theater, Shane Gillis, Tim Dillon, Mark Norman, fucking Tom Segura, Burkroy.
02:38:21.000 If you go out and you spend your money to support live comedy like we know our fans do, support it in the theaters.
02:38:28.000 Get our backs in the theaters to prove to the studios that our sense of humor is real and it translates.
02:38:38.000 And if you enjoy comedies like I do, there's only one way.
02:38:42.000 This is the roll of the dice.
02:38:43.000 This is it.
02:38:44.000 They're taking a chance now.
02:38:45.000 They're taking a chance.
02:38:46.000 And if this scores, then the party keeps rolling.
02:38:49.000 But you gotta go to the movie theaters, man.
02:38:51.000 You gotta prove it in the movie theaters.
02:38:53.000 And I know that's a selfish ask.
02:38:55.000 Why is it more important in the movie theaters than the amount of streams?
02:38:59.000 The amount of buying on Apple?
02:39:01.000 So, the way a deal works...
02:39:03.000 Once again, I know I'll get in trouble for this.
02:39:05.000 The way a deal works...
02:39:05.000 Well, don't say it if you're going to get in trouble.
02:39:06.000 Nope.
02:39:07.000 I don't care.
02:39:08.000 I want my movie to do well.
02:39:09.000 Okay.
02:39:10.000 So, the way a movie works is you get X amount of dollars, $20 million to make a movie.
02:39:14.000 I think we spent $20 million, $30 million on the machine.
02:39:16.000 Okay.
02:39:17.000 So, if it goes in the movie theaters, everyone gets to recoup their money.
02:39:20.000 When you go to a streamer, they basically go, what did you pay?
02:39:23.000 Cool.
02:39:24.000 We'll break you even, and we'll give you a little extra, but you don't get the big bucks.
02:39:28.000 That's coming to us.
02:39:29.000 And so if this movie does well, everyone's got points on the back end.
02:39:33.000 So every extra dollar you make, everyone that makes it starts making money.
02:39:37.000 All these people that go, you know, hey, we should put this and this and do this comedy and make it soft. 0.98
02:39:43.000 They start realizing, shit, my money will make... 1.00
02:39:47.000 Fucking murdering a dude and blood all over the place. 1.00
02:39:50.000 Like, make fucking crazy comedies. 1.00
02:39:51.000 That'll make me money. 1.00
02:39:53.000 And then they'll start leaning into it.
02:39:54.000 And then there's a bunch of people that'll go, let's go harder.
02:39:57.000 Hey, Kurt Metzger, what's your idea?
02:40:00.000 And so, like, in the movie theaters, there's just more money to be made because it's a...
02:40:06.000 Like Bruce Willis, when he did Sixth Sense, he just took points.
02:40:09.000 He didn't take any money.
02:40:10.000 So he made like hundreds of millions of dollars on the books.
02:40:14.000 So when these movies...
02:40:15.000 Once you break your budget, once you break 30 million... 0.97
02:40:19.000 All of a sudden, all that money starts flowing into the studios and the networks, or the studios and the production companies, and they're like, fuck, let's do that again.
02:40:27.000 And then we'll sell it to the streamer, and we'll make our money back, and then we'll make it then some, and we're making more money. 0.83
02:40:32.000 And the streamers are there.
02:40:33.000 I was partying with our boy the other night.
02:40:36.000 He was like, let's do great in the movie theaters.
02:40:40.000 Then come to us and do even better, because people are watching on repeat, but it's got to do good in the movie theaters.
02:40:45.000 Movies are dying.
02:40:46.000 People aren't going out to movies.
02:40:47.000 They're only going out for the Avengers.
02:40:49.000 That's it right now.
02:40:52.000 We really are a Bill Hicks joke.
02:40:54.000 We really are a Bill Hicks joke.
02:40:56.000 We've turned into Bill Hicks.
02:40:58.000 It sounds like a Bill Hicks joke.
02:41:02.000 The only movie people go see is the Avengers.
02:41:04.000 It's the truth!
02:41:06.000 It does.
02:41:07.000 Doesn't that sound like a Hicks joke? 0.99
02:41:09.000 And these fucking movies, if they do well in the theaters and all of a sudden these dudes who are running these studios that have the access to the big pockets that go, I'm telling you right now, the machine does well, I can guarantee you two things. 1.00
02:41:22.000 Mark my fucking words. 0.99
02:41:24.000 Machine does well, fat astronauts gets greenlit on Monday, and Tim Dillon's project gets greenlit on Tuesday. 0.99
02:41:30.000 I can promise you that. 0.98
02:41:32.000 Tim Dillon is the hottest fucking commodity in Hollywood right now. 0.99
02:41:34.000 If I started gambling on this, would this be insider trading? 0.99
02:41:37.000 It should be.
02:41:38.000 Tim Dillon is the hottest commodity in Hollywood. 0.99
02:41:40.000 Everyone fucking loves that guy. 0.99
02:41:42.000 And they're afraid to say it out loud. 0.99
02:41:44.000 Ahh, because he's problematic.
02:41:46.000 He's a right winger.
02:41:47.000 Who knows what he's gonna do? 1.00
02:41:49.000 Crazy gay right winger. 1.00
02:41:50.000 Everyone loves Tim Dillon. 0.99
02:41:53.000 Shane Gillis. 0.98
02:41:54.000 I was sitting in a tent in Serbia with Legendary watching fucking Gillian Keeves. 1.00
02:42:00.000 We're crying laughing. 0.99
02:42:01.000 That's your next movie star.
02:42:04.000 Shane Gillis is the best actor out of all of us.
02:42:07.000 Out of all of us, the best comedic actor around.
02:42:10.000 You don't need to put him in an action comedy.
02:42:12.000 You go, Shane Gillis, what do you want to do? 0.98
02:42:14.000 His movie will be the biggest summer blockbuster of the fucking year. 1.00
02:42:19.000 Mark my goddamn fucking words. 1.00
02:42:21.000 But they've got to trust that they can make their money back. 1.00
02:42:24.000 And it's got to be made in the theaters.
02:42:26.000 I really don't like business talk, but I hear what you're saying.
02:42:28.000 Yeah.
02:42:29.000 Yeah.
02:42:29.000 It's like, I get their point too.
02:42:33.000 I do.
02:42:33.000 It's your money.
02:42:34.000 I mean, superhero movies is the easiest.
02:42:36.000 Yeah.
02:42:37.000 Right?
02:42:37.000 They always win.
02:42:38.000 I mean, when we started podcasting, we were like, yeah, keep it small.
02:42:41.000 Let's make our money back.
02:42:42.000 And then guys like you started going, I see the guys like, people like Spotify are like, I see the profit margin in this.
02:42:48.000 Let's roll the dice.
02:42:49.000 Now, granted, you're the same as me, a little bit... 1.00
02:42:53.000 Chansey, say some fucked up shit every now and then, who knows where we're going? 0.99
02:42:57.000 You get a company like Spotify or a company like Netflix who stands behind what you say, and they go, we support free speech. 1.00
02:43:03.000 You just gotta let them know, because they do that because the money's coming in.
02:43:07.000 The studios haven't seen the money come in yet.
02:43:10.000 The studios need to be convinced the same way Netflix and Spotify have been convinced that free speech and comics talking wild and doing wild shit is profitable and that our fans right here will go out to the movie theaters and then all of a sudden I'm telling you it's a game changer.
02:43:26.000 I bet it can happen.
02:43:27.000 It really can.
02:43:28.000 And in that sense, a lot of times, if people like it, but the critics hate it, if certain critics hate it, it actually is better.
02:43:34.000 Because it makes people distrust critics even more.
02:43:39.000 Oh, critics want to hate stuff.
02:43:41.000 I haven't read one thing about The Machine at all.
02:43:44.000 I won't.
02:43:44.000 I mean, there's critics that love certain films, but...
02:43:48.000 They hated Ace Ventura.
02:43:49.000 They hated...
02:43:50.000 Really?
02:43:51.000 I think they hated one now.
02:43:53.000 Siskel and Ebert, they didn't hate it for the right reasons.
02:43:56.000 They hated Ace Ventura.
02:43:57.000 They trashed it.
02:43:58.000 They trashed it.
02:43:59.000 Well, I mean, it wasn't the best movie in the world.
02:44:01.000 If you go back and watch it, it's not the best movie in the world. 0.83
02:44:03.000 It was pretty fucking great. 0.91
02:44:05.000 It's okay. 0.93
02:44:05.000 I mean, I don't know. 0.93
02:44:06.000 It's hard watching old comedies.
02:44:09.000 Like, you try to watch Porky's?
02:44:10.000 Yeah. 0.77
02:44:11.000 That's a big old rape pest. 1.00
02:44:13.000 What the fuck? 1.00
02:44:14.000 Then you look at Stepbrothers, Stepbrothers. 1.00
02:44:17.000 Is there, should I leave that in, that Porky's as well? 0.97
02:44:19.000 No, I mean, I've watched, I have a VHS tape of it airing on public, normal TV, like NBC late at night, and they have all the bad shit edited out. 0.98
02:44:29.000 Oh my god. 0.99
02:44:30.000 It's just the nudity's edited out, so the rest of it's like, holy shit. 0.99
02:44:34.000 Oh, that's it? 0.97
02:44:35.000 Yeah, it was from the 90s.
02:44:36.000 That was a crazy movie, right?
02:44:38.000 What happened in that movie? 1.00
02:44:39.000 The dude put his dick in a hole through the girls' locker room like, someone jack me off. 1.00
02:44:44.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
02:44:45.000 And the teacher comes and grabs it.
02:44:46.000 Oh my God, that's right.
02:44:48.000 The teacher grabs it.
02:44:49.000 Bro, why was that okay then?
02:44:52.000 Like, why were these movies okay?
02:44:54.000 I don't know.
02:44:54.000 But think about how much culture- Let Andrew Schultz make a movie and I bet it's gonna be like that!
02:44:59.000 You give Henry Schultz fucking 30 million dollars, that movie's gonna be fucking insane! 0.96
02:45:03.000 Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? 0.99
02:45:06.000 That's the truth, man.
02:45:07.000 We proved it in podcasting.
02:45:08.000 We did.
02:45:09.000 Yeah.
02:45:10.000 We proved it on the internet.
02:45:12.000 I mean, look at how many guys, look at what, you know what Gillian Keeves did offline, like, when he released it, when they released it to the fan base, said, hey, here, pay this.
02:45:22.000 Right. 0.97
02:45:23.000 Did fucking bananas numbers. 1.00
02:45:25.000 Bananas. 1.00
02:45:26.000 I'm sure. 0.97
02:45:27.000 People want- Shane Gillis is a gangster. 1.00
02:45:28.000 People forget that he's a fucking businessman too. 1.00
02:45:31.000 He is a gangster. 1.00
02:45:32.000 I will get into the weeds about this all day long privately. 0.88
02:45:35.000 Privately.
02:45:36.000 We'll talk later.
02:45:36.000 But like, they did great money and then they were like, oh cool, you get to make a cool thing and our fans love it.
02:45:43.000 That's all people got to know in Hollywood.
02:45:46.000 That's what Louis C.K.'s doing.
02:45:48.000 Perfect example.
02:45:49.000 Exactly.
02:45:50.000 Selling all of it on his website, putting all his movies there, his television show.
02:45:55.000 Bobby Kelly's special did fantastic.
02:45:58.000 Joe List's movie did fantastic.
02:45:59.000 He's putting money out.
02:46:03.000 Louis is...
02:46:05.000 Sony or Legendary.
02:46:07.000 He's just doing it all in-house and going like, I hire all the people.
02:46:10.000 I got a line producer.
02:46:11.000 Let's just make it.
02:46:12.000 We'll sell it direct to consumer.
02:46:13.000 And it can just continue to grow.
02:46:15.000 There's no ceiling on the potential for more people to find out about what he's doing online.
02:46:20.000 Louis?
02:46:21.000 Yeah.
02:46:21.000 Oh, he's...
02:46:23.000 I mean, he's...
02:46:23.000 That's very interesting.
02:46:25.000 He's like you.
02:46:26.000 You know, he's been good for comedy.
02:46:28.000 Yeah.
02:46:28.000 He's been good for comedy.
02:46:29.000 You know, he helped me a lot with the design of the place.
02:46:32.000 No.
02:46:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:46:34.000 I took a couple pieces of advice from him.
02:46:36.000 It was very good advice.
02:46:37.000 In the smaller room, the stage was too large.
02:46:40.000 He's like, why is the stage so big?
02:46:42.000 I'm like, why is the stage so big?
02:46:44.000 He goes, I think the stage should be about four feet shorter on each side.
02:46:47.000 And I was like, we could do that.
02:46:50.000 Okay.
02:46:50.000 And he's like, in the ceiling, can you make it lower?
02:46:53.000 And I'm like, yeah, we can make it lower.
02:46:54.000 It was already low. 0.99
02:46:55.000 It's a great fucking room. 1.00
02:46:57.000 How low is that ceiling? 1.00
02:46:58.000 It's pretty fucking low. 0.97
02:46:59.000 It feels good. 0.99
02:46:59.000 Doesn't it feel... 0.99
02:47:00.000 You're like intimate.
02:47:01.000 It's boxed in with those folks.
02:47:03.000 It reminds you of the old school New York days where you could put your hand on the ceiling.
02:47:06.000 Yeah, those kind of clubs.
02:47:08.000 So he had that.
02:47:10.000 That was his suggestion there.
02:47:12.000 To make the stage smaller in the little room and make the ceiling even lower.
02:47:15.000 So we did that.
02:47:16.000 And then in the next room, the ceiling.
02:47:20.000 We lowered the ceiling.
02:47:22.000 That was his other suggestion too.
02:47:23.000 And then he had some good suggestions about soundproofing.
02:47:27.000 Because I think a lot of comedians, they like the sound of the echo, because it makes laughs louder.
02:47:32.000 But it also makes it more difficult to people to understand what you're saying.
02:47:37.000 It's harder, because it's echoey.
02:47:39.000 Like in the Vulcan, it was a little echoey.
02:47:41.000 It was great when you were killing, because the laughs were so loud. 0.99
02:47:46.000 Some parts of the room, when you're getting sound bouncing off of a bunch of shit, you miss subtle things. 0.99
02:47:53.000 You miss certain things. 0.95
02:47:54.000 So he was like, you know, you gotta make sure that everything's soft and the sound is like, everything's soundproofed.
02:48:02.000 We did that when this last tour we were doing arenas and I upgraded my package to have like a legit lighting package and legit sound brought in.
02:48:11.000 And it changed those arenas.
02:48:13.000 It's a game changer.
02:48:14.000 I remember saying as the first person that did it, I go, you're going to fall in love with the sound of this.
02:48:18.000 It's not just you set up an arena and it's whatever sound they have.
02:48:22.000 It's like they do this whole presentation before to dial in the exact sound points.
02:48:26.000 And it sounds like you're in a comedy club.
02:48:29.000 So is this worth it to you to do because you're doing so many shows?
02:48:33.000 So it's easy.
02:48:33.000 Just they come with you.
02:48:34.000 They travel with you.
02:48:35.000 Yeah, I pay 1.7.
02:48:38.000 No, I like this.
02:48:39.000 I like this.
02:48:39.000 I like the insides of baseball.
02:48:41.000 Yeah.
02:48:41.000 Okay.
02:48:41.000 Pay 1.7 for a lighting package and a team.
02:48:44.000 Okay.
02:48:45.000 And so it comes with like a, it's an all-over budget, and you bring your own stage with you.
02:48:51.000 I told Shane and Mark we did whatever, the arena in Tempe for the Super Bowl.
02:48:58.000 We did four shows.
02:48:59.000 And I said, and I paid extra to bring the sound package out.
02:49:02.000 I wanted them to experience it.
02:49:04.000 Shane Gillis is the person I told him.
02:49:05.000 I said, you're gonna, because he was nervous about doing arenas, because he had done arenas and they sound echoey.
02:49:10.000 I said, wait till you hear my sound package.
02:49:12.000 Wait till you see my, like, my lighting package, all of it.
02:49:14.000 You're gonna really love it.
02:49:16.000 Because I paid extra for it.
02:49:17.000 I want the show to feel, I want you to, if you're paying to see me in an arena, I want you to know that I am appreciative of that dollar and I'm gonna put money back into the show.
02:49:24.000 I'm not gonna just do some cash grab.
02:49:27.000 Cut to Burt's doing a show by candlelight.
02:49:30.000 Louie said that.
02:49:31.000 I would like to do that.
02:49:33.000 Do you know how dope that would be?
02:49:36.000 Candlelight Cho?
02:49:37.000 That would be...
02:49:38.000 Trust the audience with candles.
02:49:41.000 Cho.
02:49:45.000 Isn't it weird that anybody could just buy a lighter?
02:49:47.000 It's kind of crazy how few fires really are. 1.00
02:49:51.000 People are so stupid. 1.00
02:49:53.000 I think about that all the time. 1.00
02:49:55.000 I think about how few car accidents there are. 0.97
02:49:57.000 People are so goofy.
02:49:59.000 It's kind of amazing that most days you don't see fire. 0.95
02:50:01.000 Look at this lighting package.
02:50:02.000 Wow, dude.
02:50:03.000 That's pretty amazing.
02:50:04.000 Oh, you should see me walk out on stage, man.
02:50:06.000 Look at you.
02:50:07.000 I paid extra money so that my entrance has a little bit of sparkle, a little bit of razzle-dazzle to it.
02:50:12.000 A little bit of razzle-dazzle.
02:50:14.000 A little bit of razzle-dazzle.
02:50:15.000 And I think it pays off.
02:50:17.000 I think as an audience member, you appreciate it.
02:50:19.000 For sure.
02:50:20.000 But you're right.
02:50:21.000 The sound is so important.
02:50:23.000 It sounds everything.
02:50:25.000 So for this club, we made sure everything's done.
02:50:29.000 My only note.
02:50:30.000 Please.
02:50:32.000 If you're gonna have Joey Diaz's weed around, you gotta take that clock off the little boy.
02:50:37.000 I was on stage last night.
02:50:39.000 I got high with you right before I went on stage on the late show.
02:50:43.000 I never get high before I go on stage.
02:50:44.000 I have, but I don't usually, because I'm afraid of, like...
02:50:49.000 Rightly so.
02:50:50.000 And, uh... 0.97
02:50:52.000 I was riffing and fucking rolling and I was like, nice! 0.97
02:50:57.000 And I looked up and the clock was at four minutes. 0.97
02:51:00.000 And I went, I've only done four minutes.
02:51:02.000 How long did you think you were on for?
02:51:03.000 I thought I was on for 30 minutes.
02:51:05.000 And I was like, oh, we need to move that clock.
02:51:07.000 And then I said, I kept messing around and I looked and it was four minutes and 40 seconds.
02:51:11.000 And I was like, oh God, someone needs to close the clock.
02:51:15.000 So you started freaking out thinking about it.
02:51:17.000 Because you know how sometimes you get high, time goes a little slower?
02:51:20.000 Yes.
02:51:21.000 And I was like, oh my god, I'm in my head.
02:51:23.000 And then I just, I knew Leanne was in the room. 0.99
02:51:27.000 I knew I could fuck with her if I needed to, and I could get myself out of anything. 0.99
02:51:31.000 Right. 0.99
02:51:31.000 And I was like, just enjoy this. 0.99
02:51:33.000 Enjoy this. 0.73
02:51:33.000 Let your brain think weird and talk weird. 0.73
02:51:37.000 And I saw the chick in the front row had a weird purse that the same person next to him had. 1.00
02:51:45.000 And I went, oh, their phones are locked up. 0.99
02:51:48.000 I can say whatever the fuck I want. 0.99
02:51:49.000 Oh, you didn't know? 0.99
02:51:50.000 I didn't know. 0.99
02:51:51.000 And I fucking started going like... 0.96
02:51:54.000 And I had, last night, my second show was one of the best shows I've had, definitely in 2023, without a doubt. 0.98
02:52:03.000 And I would argue, other than when I did The Other Room, which was a fucking really magic show. 0.99
02:52:09.000 That was a fucking magic show. 0.99
02:52:11.000 That might have been the best time I've ever had on stage last night. 0.99
02:52:14.000 I fixed two jokes I've always wanted to tell.
02:52:16.000 I always want to tell.
02:52:17.000 Watching a dude get struck by lightning and beating any Asian in a foot race. 0.98
02:52:20.000 I did both those jokes and they worked. 0.97
02:52:23.000 And I walked out and I was like, God damn it, that room's special. 0.86
02:52:28.000 I'm back Monday to do Tommy. 0.98
02:52:31.000 We're doing Two Bears, Monday and Tuesday.
02:52:33.000 And I was in the shower and I was like, I want to do Little Boy again.
02:52:35.000 If they're open Monday, I want to do Little Boy. 0.99
02:52:37.000 That was a fun fucking room. 1.00
02:52:39.000 It's a fun fucking room. 1.00
02:52:40.000 Monday is an open mic night. 1.00
02:52:42.000 Yeah.
02:52:43.000 You know, we can figure out anything.
02:52:45.000 But there's a weird vibe of the place.
02:52:49.000 The place has a vibe.
02:52:51.000 Because there's so many like-minded people that are in there that are really just trying to get better at comedy.
02:52:59.000 There's so many of them.
02:53:00.000 It's like there's a vibe in the building.
02:53:04.000 The audience is so appreciative.
02:53:07.000 They're real comedy fans.
02:53:09.000 Oh, dude.
02:53:09.000 The guy last night...
02:53:10.000 It's incredible.
02:53:11.000 I said, I'm back Monday.
02:53:13.000 And this dude just goes, Texas loves you, Bert.
02:53:16.000 And you're like...
02:53:17.000 Oh, man.
02:53:18.000 That's what you want to hear in life.
02:53:20.000 Why wouldn't you want to hear that?
02:53:22.000 Why wouldn't you want to hear that?
02:53:23.000 Yeah.
02:53:23.000 Texas loves you, Burt.
02:53:24.000 Let's wrap this bitch up. 1.00
02:53:25.000 I love you, buddy. 1.00
02:53:26.000 I love you, too.
02:53:27.000 Congratulations.
02:53:28.000 I know it's going to be the number one movie in America, or we're all communists.
02:53:32.000 From your mouth to God's ears.
02:53:34.000 Literally.
02:53:34.000 Okay.
02:53:36.000 Anything else?
02:53:37.000 BurtBurtBurt.com, or is it BurtKreischer.com?
02:53:40.000 BurtBurtBurt.com.
02:53:41.000 Buy tickets to go see The Machine this weekend.
02:53:42.000 Go buy.
02:53:43.000 I love you with all my heart.
02:53:44.000 Go.
02:53:44.000 Go see it.
02:53:44.000 Bye, everybody.