The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #20 - Tom Segura

00:00:02.000 On Ustream and that should be it.

00:00:14.000 There we go, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:16.000 Welcome to uh what week is it?

00:00:18.000 I don't know.

00:00:19.000 Fucking week 20 of the Ustream podcast and the iTunes podcast, which has taken over in popularity, far more popular on the iTunes than the Ustream.

00:00:32.000 For all those fine folks out there listening on your way to work or when you're supposed to be doing work or when you're supposed to be doing homework or whatever the fuck you're doing.

00:00:41.000 Thank you very much for tuning in.

00:00:42.000 This show is now officially sponsored by The Fleshlight.

00:00:46.000 I don't know if you knew about that, Tommy.

00:00:47.000 I'm here with my buddy Tommy Segura, aka Tommy Buns.

00:00:52.000 Tommy is here because his, well, first of all, he's here because he's a hilarious stand-up comedian and a good buddy of mine.

00:00:59.000 And because his CD comes out today.

00:01:01.000 He's got a new CD called Thrill.

00:01:02.000 You got to wear it.

00:01:03.000 I do.

00:01:03.000 I do have a week.

00:01:04.000 Show the folks.

00:01:07.000 That's Tommy.

00:01:08.000 It looks like Michael Jackson, but it's Tommy.

00:01:10.000 Yeah, it's me.

00:01:12.000 Yes, very funny.

00:01:13.000 Tommy and I met when I was doing this tour for Maxim and Bud Light and me and Charlie Murphy and John Heffron.

00:01:22.000 And we would travel all across the country.

00:01:24.000 We did like 20 different stops.

00:01:26.000 And we used local guys.

00:01:28.000 Like every place we went to, we had a local comic would go up and perform.

00:01:32.000 And Tommy was the funniest of all of them.

00:01:35.000 He was really, I was really shocked.

00:01:37.000 Like every now and then you see a comedian.

00:01:39.000 It's uncomfortable.

00:01:40.000 I'll say this for you right here.

00:01:42.000 But every now and then you see a comedian, you know, and you're like, oh, I didn't even know this guy was around.

00:01:46.000 How's he fucking so funny?

00:01:47.000 You know, most of the time, like, when someone's funny, like, you know, you know who they are.

00:01:52.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:01:53.000 You hear about them already.

00:01:53.000 Yeah.

00:01:54.000 Oh, totally.

00:01:54.000 Yeah.

00:01:55.000 Yeah.

00:01:55.000 I appreciate that.

00:01:56.000 You hear that echo?

00:01:57.000 That's my other computer in the background.

00:01:59.000 But yeah, I know.

00:02:02.000 When you travel and you see people, then you're like, hey, where do you go up?

00:02:06.000 Because I've never seen you.

00:02:07.000 Especially when they live in the middle.

00:02:08.000 When they're funny.

00:02:09.000 But it's so rare when they're funny.

00:02:10.000 That's the thing.

00:02:11.000 It's like, you know, like most comics, like if you say like comics that you don't know, what percentage of them don't make you laugh?

00:02:20.000 Percentage of comics don't make me laugh?

00:02:21.000 Yeah.

00:02:22.000 Oh, well up into like the 85th percentile.

00:02:25.000 It's a weird thing.

00:02:26.000 And I understand that comedy is different.

00:02:27.000 There's some things that some people like that I don't like or I like that some people don't like.

00:02:31.000 You know, there's a lot of infantile, ridiculous, silly comedy.

00:02:35.000 He can't turn up the microphone.

00:02:37.000 All the way.

00:02:38.000 It says.

00:02:39.000 I think it's on as loud as it can go, ladies and gentlemen.

00:02:41.000 Hold on a second.

00:02:42.000 Maybe there's some sort of an input.

00:02:44.000 Is it really that low?

00:02:48.000 Is that any better?

00:02:50.000 I know I need to project.

00:02:53.000 This, I hope we're not in some weird thing here.

00:02:56.000 It's on a blue snowball, right?

00:03:02.000 Yeah, it's working.

00:03:05.000 Sorry.

00:03:05.000 Is it really that low, ladies and gentlemen?

00:03:09.000 Turn the microphone up a bit.

00:03:10.000 I don't think I can.

00:03:11.000 I don't think there's anything I can do other than where it's at right now.

00:03:16.000 Some people say it sounds fine.

00:03:17.000 Some people say it's pretty quiet.

00:03:19.000 Well, do you have a volume on your motherfucking phone or whatever you're watching this on?

00:03:24.000 Because work that shit, yo. 0.54

00:03:29.000 Um, what happened?

00:03:35.000 We have a little issue here.

00:03:36.000 A little technological issue.

00:03:39.000 Lost the screen.

00:03:41.000 Yeah, on with the show indeed.

00:03:43.000 As this man said, we were just too far.

00:03:45.000 All right, well, we're right up to it right now.

00:03:47.000 Anyway, the percentage of comics that suck, I would have to say it's probably like 80.

00:03:51.000 It's probably like 80.

00:03:52.000 Yeah, it's really 80.

00:03:53.000 And that's discounting for, like, there's a lot of people that I know are good.

00:03:57.000 They're just not my style.

00:03:58.000 I totally accept that and appreciate that.

00:04:01.000 But, like, when you go on the road and you see someone and, you know, you never heard about this guy before, and you see him, and they're hilarious.

00:04:08.000 You're like, whoa, how fun is that?

00:04:09.000 It's fucking awesome, isn't it?

00:04:11.000 It's the best thing, yeah.

00:04:12.000 Because even, like, sometimes you'll kind of like enjoy somebody and you can go, like, oh, that was a well-written joke.

00:04:20.000 Like, that's good joke structure or something.

00:04:22.000 But, like, when you actually turn up, like, laughing, like you're grabbing your gut and you're just, that's hilarious.

00:04:28.000 That's rare.

00:04:28.000 That's fun.

00:04:30.000 It's like you just found a gift, you know?

00:04:32.000 Because it's like, especially as comedians, like, you see everything coming or you see a lot of things coming rather.

00:04:37.000 And, like, when you run into someone who's really funny, like, it's like, oh, here's another one.

00:04:42.000 They're out there.

00:04:43.000 I know they're out there.

00:04:44.000 It's because you'll see so many guys that fucking suck.

00:04:47.000 And what they're talking about is just nonsense.

00:04:50.000 And it's just stupidity.

00:04:51.000 And you know that they're not even really thinking about what they're saying.

00:04:55.000 It's not anything that they've really like come to some weird conclusion.

00:04:58.000 It's just a bunch of nonsense designed to make you laugh.

00:05:01.000 And that shit is hard to deal with over and over and over again.

00:05:04.000 It makes you lose faith in it.

00:05:06.000 And you wonder, like, for comics, like, shit, like, what is it like, like, you know, coming up in this day?

00:05:12.000 You know, but when I was coming up, it was, there was a lot more comedy clubs, a lot more different comedians to, like, to look at.

00:05:17.000 There was a lot of shit going on, a lot of action.

00:05:19.000 It seems like there's way less action now.

00:05:21.000 Oh, definitely, man.

00:05:22.000 There's way less good guys coming up.

00:05:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:05:24.000 Or people coming up in general.

00:05:26.000 It just seems to be a smaller community.

00:05:28.000 I think so, yeah.

00:05:29.000 Like nationwide, right?

00:05:30.000 I think so, yeah.

00:05:31.000 There's like a few places that are really, like, when you go to, you're like, oh, this place has a good, like, comedy community within it, you know?

00:05:41.000 Like, I kind of felt that way in like Austin.

00:05:43.000 Yes.

00:05:43.000 Where I was like, they're really trying to, like, like, develop comics here.

00:05:48.000 But I don't really feel that way in most places.

00:05:48.000 Yeah.

00:05:50.000 Like, most places, it's just like, I don't know.

00:05:53.000 It's like the mall or something.

00:05:57.000 It's just fucking hard to do.

00:05:59.000 It seems a lot easier than it really is.

00:06:01.000 It's like once you get good at it, it kind of becomes easy.

00:06:04.000 You're just kind of like, you know, you understand what it takes to write a joke.

00:06:08.000 And it's just a matter of putting in the time, putting in the effort.

00:06:10.000 But to get to a point where you're actually funny is such a long fucking process.

00:06:16.000 Like, people don't realize, like, you see a guy like, you know, anybody, Joey Diaz.

00:06:20.000 Joey Diaz is a great example because Joey Diaz is fucking hilarious.

00:06:24.000 But when I met Joey Diaz, Joey Diaz was not funny.

00:06:27.000 And that sounds crazy because he's one of The funniest people I think I've ever met in my life.

00:06:32.000 And he would say funny shit off stage, but he could never be that funny on stage.

00:06:36.000 And he could never make it happen.

00:06:39.000 And somewhere along the line, he just figured it out.

00:06:41.000 He figured out how to be himself, who he is, like in the parking lot of the comedy store.

00:06:45.000 He figured out how to be that guy on stage.

00:06:47.000 And all of a sudden, bam, it was just, he nailed it and knocked it out of the park.

00:06:50.000 But that's like the hardest thing to do, right?

00:06:51.000 I mean, that's super hard.

00:06:53.000 Like, because I meet people now who I'm like, you talk to them and you're like, oh, you're really funny.

00:06:58.000 But then it's like they're too forced and contrived on stage.

00:07:02.000 And you're like, you got to figure out how to make the guy who you are offstage just walk on stage.

00:07:08.000 There was a guy that was doing stand-up who I thought was really funny.

00:07:12.000 But he was doing this weird thing where he was talking so fast that he would take this breath in between his things.

00:07:17.000 And then the government, the government wanted to do this Obama situation with gays in the military.

00:07:22.000 And he was going so fast, he kept taking this in, it was audible, really loud, like a singer.

00:07:30.000 And especially if you're baked, you could focus on something like that.

00:07:33.000 That's all you look for.

00:07:34.000 And you can forget exactly what he's saying.

00:07:37.000 And all he's saying.

00:07:40.000 Yeah, I would just focus on his crazy, that little breath thing that he does.

00:07:45.000 It's just Joey Diaz, when I talk to him about it, and we've talked about it a bunch of times.

00:07:50.000 He says that what happened was he just realized how to not give a fuck.

00:07:55.000 He said he was too concerned with agents and managers and all that shit.

00:07:59.000 And he was too concerned with people giving him advice.

00:08:01.000 And he said it took, you know, like realizing, somewhere along the line, just realizing that these guys are all a bunch of dummies.

00:08:08.000 Like seeing a bunch of them get fired, seeing managers and agents fail miserably and fall by the wayside and executives get fired and the people that hire people turn to drugs and become fucking chaos and a mess.

00:08:19.000 And so he just had to realize like, oh, these aren't like intelligent.

00:08:23.000 This isn't like a really like well-set up artistic environment.

00:08:28.000 They don't know what they want.

00:08:30.000 They just want you to kill, you know, and they can tell you all day they want you to be squeaky clean.

00:08:35.000 You've got to do this.

00:08:36.000 But if you're dirty and you destroy, they want you, right?

00:08:39.000 You know, see a guy like Cat Williams or, you know, of course, Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock and all these different guys who have had, you know, Sam Kinnison and dirty acts, but so hilarious that they were undeniable.

00:08:51.000 So even in the era back then, which is pre-internet, you know, the Kinnison days were all pre-internet, which is way harder to be dirty because you only had HBO.

00:08:58.000 That was your only outlet for people to find out who the fuck you were.

00:09:01.000 Which is scary if you think about it.

00:09:03.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:03.000 In comparison to like what we have today, you know?

00:09:06.000 But even then, man, all you have to do is be so good that they don't give a fuck.

00:09:10.000 So good that they let it go.

00:09:11.000 And Joey figured out how to do that, you know?

00:09:13.000 But for the longest time, man, he couldn't do it.

00:09:16.000 It's hard to find a guy who gets it right.

00:09:20.000 There was another guy, Kurt Metzger.

00:09:21.000 I worked with him in Montreal this weekend.

00:09:23.000 Fucking hilarious.

00:09:24.000 I know, Kurt.

00:09:25.000 Very funny.

00:09:26.000 Super funny.

00:09:26.000 He's very funny.

00:09:27.000 Really good.

00:09:29.000 There's just not enough.

00:09:31.000 There's not enough good guys out there.

00:09:32.000 And he's another guy probably, like, when you saw him, you're like, who the fuck is this?

00:09:35.000 Yeah.

00:09:36.000 Well, Ari had actually already told me he was funny.

00:09:38.000 Yeah, we were working this little tiny club in Montreal.

00:09:38.000 Yeah, he's really funny.

00:09:41.000 I did this theater called Metropolis.

00:09:44.000 It's like a thousand seats or something like that.

00:09:47.000 And then the day before, we did this local club called The Comedy Works, which I used to do when I was living in Boston.

00:09:53.000 I was living in Boston, one of my first road gigs.

00:09:56.000 I used to go up to this guy, Jimbo, owns this club in Montreal.

00:10:00.000 It's the best club ever, man.

00:10:01.000 It's fucking this tiny little room.

00:10:03.000 There's only like maybe 100 people can fit, and they're all stuffed into this place.

00:10:09.000 And it's just old school, man.

00:10:11.000 The microphone sucks.

00:10:13.000 The wall behind you is stupid.

00:10:15.000 You know, there's fucking curtains over these windows behind you, and they have them covered with these old, dusty, fucked up curtains.

00:10:21.000 But it doesn't matter.

00:10:22.000 It's the best.

00:10:23.000 It's just this little tight place.

00:10:23.000 It's awesome.

00:10:25.000 And he was headlining there this week, Kurt Metzger.

00:10:28.000 And he was really fucking funny.

00:10:30.000 And another one, we hung out.

00:10:31.000 You know, me and him and Ari went out and got something to eat.

00:10:34.000 And like I could tell right away, here's another comic.

00:10:37.000 He's a real comic.

00:10:38.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:10:38.000 Yeah.

00:10:40.000 And it's cool.

00:10:41.000 Like you really feel like you want to, when you meet guys like that, you want to stay in touch with them.

00:10:46.000 Like soldiers on the battlefield.

00:10:48.000 You know, you run into each other, like, wow, here we go.

00:10:51.000 We got another one.

00:10:52.000 What people don't realize about comedians, and it sounds screwy that we're talking about this, making a big deal out of it, but there's not that many of them.

00:10:59.000 When you look at the world, okay, look at the United States.

00:11:02.000 Let's just look at our country.

00:11:03.000 300 million people in the United States.

00:11:05.000 How many comedians?

00:11:07.000 There might be a thousand.

00:11:10.000 Might be a thousand professional comedians out of 300 million.

00:11:13.000 How many of them are actually funny?

00:11:15.000 It might be 300.

00:11:17.000 Maybe 300 out of 1,000.

00:11:19.000 And that's being generous.

00:11:20.000 Yeah.

00:11:21.000 So there's 300 people out of 300 million.

00:11:24.000 That's one in a million.

00:11:26.000 That's fucking bananas.

00:11:28.000 I said bananas again early.

00:11:30.000 I said bananas like 50 times last week and I said I wasn't going to say it this week.

00:11:33.000 That's my latest thing, man.

00:11:34.000 Whenever I think anything's crazy, I go 1960s on myself.

00:11:38.000 I repeat the shit out of out of control.

00:11:42.000 Say something's out of control.

00:11:43.000 Yeah.

00:11:44.000 And I say fired up.

00:11:45.000 Well, the problem is when you do it in a two-hour podcast once a week, after a while, people are like, dude, will you shut the fuck up with the bananas?

00:11:54.000 You're listening to a guy say the same words.

00:11:56.000 It's like, you realize when you do something like this how important it is to vary your speech and not get locked into patterns of behavior.

00:12:05.000 You ever heard rappers who, you know what I'm saying?

00:12:06.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:12:07.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:12:08.000 Like Kimbo Slides does, you know what I'm saying?

00:12:09.000 Like every other word.

00:12:10.000 No, saying I'm here to put these things on.

00:12:11.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:12:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:12:13.000 I've heard so many interviews with athletes that say that it's, you know what I'm saying, after everything.

00:12:13.000 Of course.

00:12:19.000 What's hilarious is when you hear comics use nigger, like a rapper will use nigger, and this nigga try to tell me, I'm like, nigga, you better get the fuck out of my face, nigga. 1.00

00:12:28.000 I know what the fuck's going on, nigga. 1.00

00:12:29.000 And like they'll say it so many times.

00:12:32.000 And they'll say it on stage the way guys will say it offstage.

00:12:35.000 There's something that gets lost when you do that.

00:12:38.000 You got to recognize that like free speech offstage is not good enough to be bottled up and packaged.

00:12:45.000 If you're going to sell it, you got to have a better economy of words.

00:12:49.000 I'll catch myself sometimes saying fuck too much on stage because it's just natural because you do it in real life.

00:12:55.000 Like this fucking guy in a stupid fucking idea.

00:12:57.000 But you can't, if you do that, it fucks up the bits because they lose any potential impact.

00:13:06.000 You know, the concept, People get distracted by you saying, even though this is just how you express yourself and it's natural, people will get distracted if you use too many of the same words over and over again, like a swear, like fuck.

00:13:18.000 If you use it over and over and over again, like in more than one sentence, you can do it for one bit, like if you're just so ridiculously upset at something.

00:13:26.000 Yeah.

00:13:27.000 You know, that you just, and it's part of what you're doing.

00:13:29.000 But then you have to make sure that you, there's like a peak and a valley in your act.

00:13:33.000 You have to make sure that once you hit like all these extra fucks, like there's no fucks coming for a while after this.

00:13:38.000 Sure, sure, yeah.

00:13:39.000 Yeah, yeah, because then like when you do it a lot also, like in one bit, if you say fuck like a hundred times, you realize that you're essentially, it's replacing other words that, you know what I mean, that could make that bit funnier or character.

00:13:52.000 Right, and it's more like an uh.

00:13:54.000 It's like a replacement for uh.

00:13:56.000 Like this uh guy, so it's like you're just kind of admitting that you're you don't have a cohesive idea.

00:14:03.000 The other one, like the I used to do this all the time, and now I do it less, but I still catch myself going into it, is saying, like, when you're saying a bit, then going right at the end of it, and you don't realize you're saying it, but you don't, because you're trying to basically validate what you're saying.

00:14:17.000 Right.

00:14:18.000 So like, like, sort of subconsciously, I would say a sentence and be like, right.

00:14:22.000 And then I walked in, right?

00:14:23.000 And the guy was like, right.

00:14:24.000 And then I listened to him.

00:14:25.000 I'm like, that sounds fucking like, like an imbecile.

00:14:27.000 He sounds like a fucking idiot right now.

00:14:29.000 That's why it's so important to listen to your shit.

00:14:32.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:32.000 It's so important to watch your stuff and listen to your stuff.

00:14:35.000 And it's so painful.

00:14:38.000 People think that comedians are like, look at me up there.

00:14:40.000 I'm killing.

00:14:41.000 When I watch my stuff, even stuff that I did that I like, I don't like watching it.

00:14:45.000 Like even Talking Monkeys in Space, which was like my best special, I don't like watching that fucking thing.

00:14:49.000 It feels gross.

00:14:50.000 I hate watching myself, man.

00:14:52.000 And then you start judging your bits and going, ooh, I don't even have the new tagline when I did this one.

00:14:57.000 Like sometimes you'll do a bit, and then right after you come up with this bit, it's like, you know, you think you got it nailed and you put it on a CD, and then like a week later, you have the best fucking tagline that changes the whole bit.

00:15:09.000 It makes it so much better.

00:15:10.000 You want to like go back in time.

00:15:13.000 You want to rewind yourself and not release it.

00:15:17.000 On this, I already have like a few things that I started step two and then I'm like, oh man.

00:15:22.000 I know.

00:15:22.000 And people who don't do it don't understand how maddening that is.

00:15:25.000 That's why like a lot of comics have a hard time.

00:15:28.000 Once you do your set, you just want to get out of there and move on with your life.

00:15:31.000 You don't want to like really objectively go over all the beats and try to figure out what you did wrong and what you did right.

00:15:38.000 But if you don't do that, man, it's not as good.

00:15:42.000 You have to make sure you do that.

00:15:44.000 [background noise]

00:15:52.000 Up towards the red is like on the Ustream producer.

00:15:55.000 That's how you get it as loud as we can.

00:15:57.000 People still complain about this shit.

00:16:00.000 You know, the fact that I have Brian, he records almost all my sets, that's so huge for me.

00:16:05.000 That's helped me so much.

00:16:06.000 That I'm super.

00:16:07.000 And also, like, there's little things that he does.

00:16:09.000 Like, I'm saying, I guess it's just an all-around praise of Brian, but like, it's so cool.

00:16:13.000 I always dug the posters.

00:16:16.000 Oh, those are awesome.

00:16:16.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:16:17.000 Those are awesome.

00:16:18.000 Yeah.

00:16:18.000 He makes those.

00:16:19.000 Those are really cool.

00:16:20.000 Yeah, and he captures a lot of cool shit offstage.

00:16:24.000 Yeah, that's awesome, man.

00:16:25.000 It's like one of the best things about the internet is being able to connect with people like that.

00:16:28.000 Just weirdo, fucking creative people.

00:16:31.000 You know, and then in Brian's case, he brought on working for me.

00:16:34.000 I think you're, do you think, like, of all, like, the working, like, big-name comics, you're probably on top of it the most, right?

00:16:40.000 Like, media, like, internet stuff?

00:16:44.000 Dane Cook's probably, he's way better at it than me.

00:16:47.000 The whole like Twitter shit, you know, the reason why I even got into that is because I saw what it was doing for him.

00:16:51.000 That's a fact.

00:16:53.000 Yeah, I always say that.

00:16:54.000 When people compare, like, try to compare him to other comedians with shady reputations, you know, I say Dane has done a lot more for comedy than guys like Mancia by a long shot because he's like opened up people's eyes to what you could do yourself.

00:17:11.000 Sure.

00:17:11.000 Because before that, the reality is none of us are the type of guys that are going to be self-promoters.

00:17:17.000 Like comics are not self-promoters.

00:17:18.000 It's just, it's not normal.

00:17:20.000 He's an aberration, Dan Cook is.

00:17:21.000 It's like an unnatural thing.

00:17:23.000 Well, I don't know if it's an unnatural thing, but it goes contrary to like what I was talking on.

00:17:27.000 I was doing the Sid Rosenthal show on the radio before I did this.

00:17:30.000 And we were talking about like, he was like saying, rank yourself amongst comedians.

00:17:33.000 And I said, comedians, that's the last thing you ever want to think about is where do I stand?

00:17:38.000 You know, is this guy better than me or that guy better than me?

00:17:40.000 You don't even want to judge yourself.

00:17:42.000 You just want to just try to concentrate all your energy on doing the best shit.

00:17:46.000 The last thing you want to concentrate on is pumping up your own ego.

00:17:49.000 And, you know, just, or even judging yourself at all.

00:17:52.000 Judge the material.

00:17:54.000 Go over the material, look at it, try to make it better, but always be focused on that.

00:17:59.000 Like the, like putting out the best shit.

00:18:01.000 That's what you're focused on.

00:18:02.000 Not like where you fit in with everybody else.

00:18:05.000 That's like an enemy.

00:18:06.000 That's like the enemy of creativity is that kind of ego shit when you get involved in that.

00:18:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:18:12.000 And it's also like the one thing, I mean, I always feel like the one thing you can control, like for sure, is what you're writing and doing.

00:18:20.000 Yeah.

00:18:20.000 So it's like, you really can't control the other shit.

00:18:23.000 Like if somebody wanted to put you on the 10 best list of comics, or like the 10 best list.

00:18:28.000 And they put the guy right before you that you hate.

00:18:30.000 That you hate.

00:18:31.000 And you think he sucks.

00:18:32.000 But it's out of your control.

00:18:32.000 It's all not.

00:18:33.000 It's all out of your control.

00:18:34.000 It's fucking...

00:18:34.000 It's absurd to even like...

00:18:40.000 And it was like, you know, I mean, it's all subjective, but I'm like, this is absolute.

00:18:45.000 Like, some of it was cool, and some of it was like, who is this?

00:18:48.000 "I know this person is awful." You know, instead of doing something like that, You know, the fucking seven comics you want to look out for.

00:18:56.000 How about just do something on someone you think is funny?

00:18:59.000 You know, this whole like, what's the best band?

00:18:59.000 Yeah.

00:19:01.000 The fucking, the bands that you like, I probably think fucking suck.

00:19:05.000 You know, and there's a lot of shit that I like that sucks.

00:19:07.000 Sure.

00:19:08.000 A lot of people think it sucks.

00:19:09.000 You know, like, you know, that song, The Fray, How to Save a Life?

00:19:09.000 Sure.

00:19:13.000 It's one of the gayest songs of all time. 1.00

00:19:15.000 All right.

00:19:15.000 But I fucking like it, man.

00:19:17.000 I like it.

00:19:18.000 I know people say it sucks.

00:19:20.000 I know that if I played it at a party with all my friends, if I played it loud, they'd be like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:19:25.000 But there's a lot of 90s R ⁇ B that I would like to. 1.00

00:19:30.000 Really?

00:19:31.000 What kind of shit?

00:19:32.000 Like SWV.

00:19:33.000 What's SWV?

00:19:35.000 It's sisters with voices.

00:19:36.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:19:40.000 It's absurd, and I will fucking crank that shit in my car.

00:19:43.000 How's it going?

00:19:45.000 Give me a sample of it.

00:19:47.000 Should we find it?

00:19:48.000 Yes.

00:19:48.000 Oh, yes.

00:19:49.000 There's supposedly some way that I can do some fucking screenshot in here and drag the stuff in, but I fucked it all up.

00:19:56.000 So I don't know how to do that.

00:19:57.000 But we'll go to YouTube.

00:19:59.000 The beautiful thing about YouTube is you can find pretty much anything.

00:20:03.000 But Sisters with Voices.

00:20:04.000 Or you just type in SWV.

00:20:06.000 It'd be better that way.

00:20:07.000 Okay.

00:20:08.000 SWV.

00:20:09.000 Yeah.

00:20:11.000 You're gonna, I mean, it's gonna be ridiculous to you.

00:20:14.000 Okay.

00:20:16.000 There's one.

00:20:16.000 Where?

00:20:17.000 Right here?

00:20:17.000 Yeah.

00:20:18.000 Human nature mix?

00:20:19.000 Okay.

00:20:19.000 Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

00:20:21.000 Brought to you by the power of cable.

00:20:26.000 What are you talking about?

00:20:27.000 This is Michael Jackson.

00:20:28.000 They're using a loop from that.

00:20:30.000 They ripped off Michael Jackson and they're fishing.

00:20:32.000 They're fishing and they got matching Brooks Brothers gear on.

00:20:36.000 Oh, wow.

00:20:43.000 I like this shit.

00:20:48.000 This isn't bad enough.

00:20:53.000 Yeah, I'm sorry.

00:20:55.000 Sorry, fella.

00:20:56.000 That's not bad enough.

00:20:57.000 If you're going to show me something bad, it's got to be really bad.

00:20:59.000 You don't think that's that bad, huh?

00:21:00.000 You kind of dig it.

00:21:00.000 No.

00:21:01.000 It's not good.

00:21:03.000 It's not good.

00:21:04.000 It's not good, but it's atrocious.

00:21:07.000 You ever hear, like, what is that?

00:21:08.000 The fucking, it's hard out here in the D?

00:21:10.000 There's a fucking rap song.

00:21:12.000 Hold on.

00:21:13.000 Oh, and do you ever dig like a...

00:21:18.000 It's hard out here in the D is like one of the worst fucking rap songs ever.

00:21:25.000 Like it's so bad.

00:21:26.000 It's these like Detroit people. 0.83

00:21:29.000 Yeah.

00:21:30.000 Fuck, where is it?

00:21:31.000 It's not it.

00:21:31.000 That's not it.

00:21:33.000 You dig this though?

00:21:35.000 It's so bad.

00:21:35.000 It's awesome.

00:21:36.000 Yeah.

00:21:38.000 Do you like ever like a techno song?

00:21:41.000 Sometimes.

00:21:42.000 Most of the time I find that stuff to be like annoying.

00:21:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:21:45.000 But every once in a while one will catch you, right?

00:21:47.000 You know, it's different though if I'm hammered and I'm at a club.

00:21:49.000 Oh, yeah, then you'll just play.

00:21:49.000 You know?

00:21:51.000 Like, you know, you get interested in music that you ordinarily wouldn't get interested in.

00:21:54.000 It says it's so cold in the D?

00:21:56.000 Is that it?

00:21:56.000 Is it so cold in the D?

00:21:58.000 You might be right, sir.

00:21:58.000 Yeah.

00:21:59.000 Let me check.

00:22:01.000 here we are This is another thing, this so cold in the D. This is something that you should have never found out about that.

00:22:14.000 Here it is.

00:22:14.000 This is it.

00:22:15.000 So cold in the D. Oh, no, it's not you.

00:22:18.000 You're trying to.

00:22:19.000 This is some dude trying to get people to watch him.

00:22:22.000 There's all these kids that have shows on the internet, and every now and then you stumble on one like this guy.

00:22:28.000 This guy, he's got 300 fucking thousand views on one of these videos.

00:22:33.000 Here it is.

00:22:34.000 It's so cold in the D. This is so bad, dude.

00:22:42.000 I don't know why this is so bad.

00:23:23.000 I didn't mean to mute it, ladies and gentlemen.

00:23:25.000 I don't know what I'm doing here.

00:23:27.000 You should have a nah.

00:23:29.000 It's so cold in the D that's for real.

00:23:34.000 Wow.

00:23:38.000 How did you find this, dude?

00:23:39.000 Why don't we have two...

00:23:45.000 I have to figure out how to do this.

00:23:46.000 There's no way.

00:23:52.000 And when Brian's not here, I have no idea how to work all this shit.

00:23:56.000 But I do have some fucking serious high-tech MP3 type recorder shit now.

00:24:02.000 And these regular microphones.

00:24:04.000 If you guys have any complaints, I love to hear them.

00:24:06.000 You know, if you have a problem with the sound or anything else, like, fucking keep it coming.

00:24:11.000 I like to hear it.

00:24:13.000 Trying to make this thing as good as I can.

00:24:16.000 Anyway, so we were talking about comedians.

00:24:18.000 And I was telling you earlier, oh, the fleshlight.

00:24:21.000 That was the thing I want to talk about.

00:24:22.000 Have you ever fucked one of those?

00:24:24.000 No.

00:24:24.000 The fucking house came out.

00:24:25.000 Have you ever fucked one of those?

00:24:26.000 Yeah, you fuck a fleshlight. 0.89

00:24:28.000 No.

00:24:29.000 Is this really a sponsor of yours?

00:24:31.000 Yes.

00:24:31.000 Really?

00:24:32.000 Yes.

00:24:32.000 I'm sponsored now by much to the fucking angst of my management company.

00:24:38.000 Wow.

00:24:39.000 This is Jenna Fine's butthole. 1.00

00:24:40.000 Is it really?

00:24:41.000 Or Jenna Hayes' butthole? 1.00

00:24:42.000 Yeah.

00:24:44.000 It smells like someone's butthole.

00:24:46.000 Just rubber.

00:24:47.000 It doesn't smell good, right?

00:24:48.000 That doesn't smell good.

00:24:49.000 Well, you could always smell it.

00:24:50.000 Put some roses on it before you fuck it. 0.96

00:24:52.000 But these fucking things, my manager was, this is the craziest thing that anybody's ever given me.

00:24:58.000 When they give me advice, told me, and I'm like, it's a masturbation tool.

00:25:03.000 What's the big deal?

00:25:04.000 And he's like, well, it's pornographic.

00:25:06.000 Because I guess it's like a rubber pussy. 1.00

00:25:08.000 And I go, how is it pornographic?

00:25:09.000 It's a masturbation tool. 0.83

00:25:11.000 How is that pornographic?

00:25:12.000 It's a fake vagina. 1.00

00:25:13.000 He goes, well, you use it when you watch pornography.

00:25:17.000 That doesn't make sense.

00:25:18.000 That's ridiculous.

00:25:20.000 What terrible advice is that?

00:25:22.000 You use it while you watch pornography.

00:25:23.000 And then Ari Shafir goes, so by that standard, my sock is pornographic.

00:25:29.000 Which is, you know, yeah, what the fuck, man?

00:25:32.000 Come on.

00:25:33.000 That's pornographic.

00:25:35.000 Yeah.

00:25:35.000 A rubber butthole.

00:25:37.000 Then my stomach is really pornographic.

00:25:39.000 The idea is that we're still living in this childish world where you're supposed to pretend that you don't masturbate.

00:25:44.000 And if you're admitting that you masturbate, which we all should, there's nothing fucking wrong with it.

00:25:49.000 This is way better than jerking off.

00:25:51.000 Can I see?

00:25:51.000 Oh, my goodness.

00:25:52.000 This is a jersey.

00:25:54.000 They're so good, man.

00:25:55.000 It's way better.

00:25:56.000 You squirt some lube in there and you fuck the shit out of them. 0.98

00:25:58.000 Have you done that?

00:25:58.000 Yeah, I've done it.

00:25:59.000 It's awesome.

00:25:59.000 Not this one, though.

00:26:00.000 Not that one.

00:26:00.000 Okay.

00:26:00.000 No, I wouldn't do that to you.

00:26:01.000 Thanks, man.

00:26:03.000 Oh, wow.

00:26:03.000 It's really soft.

00:26:04.000 Oh, dude.

00:26:05.000 They have some sort of special patent on what the vagina and butthole rubber is made out of. 1.00

00:26:11.000 It's like some special fucking thing.

00:26:14.000 That's great, man.

00:26:15.000 Dude, it's outstanding.

00:26:16.000 It's 100 times better than beating off.

00:26:17.000 And I'm not joking.

00:26:18.000 And I'm not being a sellout here.

00:26:20.000 Look, don't buy it if you don't want to buy it.

00:26:22.000 I'm not saying you should go out and buy it.

00:26:23.000 I mean, there's a lot of other things I'm sure that you'd probably need in your life more than you need a rubber vagina. 1.00

00:26:28.000 But if you're in the market for a rubber vagina, I fucking highly recommend it. 1.00

00:26:32.000 If you're the type of dude who jerks off, and we all do, especially if you do it, you did like a daily thing to you, that's way better.

00:26:41.000 Without getting too graphic, I can't even describe how much better it is.

00:26:46.000 All I'm saying is, lazy chicks, okay, you're going to have to pick up your game. 1.00

00:26:50.000 This is just the beginning, okay?

00:26:52.000 Once they figured out this, what they figured out, the most difficult part, they figured out a way to master an artificial vagina. 1.00

00:27:00.000 They mastered it.

00:27:01.000 It's really fantastic?

00:27:02.000 Fantastic.

00:27:03.000 I'm not bullshitting you.

00:27:04.000 It's not like some hard rubber thing.

00:27:04.000 Really?

00:27:06.000 It feels like a pussy. 1.00

00:27:07.000 It's incredible.

00:27:08.000 I will sample one and one.

00:27:10.000 We will get you one, and we will get him one.

00:27:13.000 We'll have Chris from Flushlight send one over to Tommy Segura.

00:27:18.000 And Tommy will come back on the broadcast in the future after he's fucked it.

00:27:21.000 And he'll tell us all about it.

00:27:21.000 Yep.

00:27:24.000 I'm telling you, man, for the longest time, and this was Chris, the guy who worked for the company, was describing it to me for the longest time.

00:27:30.000 Women always had vibrators and dildos and this and that and rabbits and the fucking Sibian. 1.00

00:27:36.000 No one ever had anything like that for dudes.

00:27:38.000 It's kind of weird, man.

00:27:39.000 Well, not only that, it's like you're some kind of a fucking loser if you go and buy any of that shit anyway.

00:27:45.000 If you're one of those dudes who goes out and buys like a rubber, like a rubber pussy to fuck at some sex shop, you're a sick fuck.

00:27:54.000 You're totally.

00:27:55.000 Most guys are never going to get past the embarrassment of walking through those beads and into that sex shop.

00:28:01.000 It's horrifying.

00:28:02.000 And trying out all the different rubber pussies. 0.56

00:28:05.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:28:06.000 I mean, how do you know which one's for you?

00:28:07.000 Oh, this one vibrates.

00:28:08.000 Do you really want your dick to vibrate?

00:28:10.000 No, probably not.

00:28:12.000 It's like you're fucking a shaver.

00:28:14.000 You know what I mean?

00:28:16.000 Why would you want it to vibrate?

00:28:17.000 No.

00:28:17.000 So you'd have to, like, either that or you'd have to go get what?

00:28:20.000 A magazine that reviews.

00:28:22.000 Hi, my name's Harry and I fucked everything.

00:28:25.000 And this is what I think.

00:28:27.000 It was difficult.

00:28:28.000 But because of the internet now, all you have to do is you go to flashlight.com or whatever and you order it, you know?

00:28:34.000 Yeah, it makes total sense, actually.

00:28:36.000 Is it easy to clean up, too?

00:28:38.000 Yes, it's very easy to clean up.

00:28:40.000 I think this thing is getting me off of here.

00:28:43.000 Is it?

00:28:44.000 No.

00:28:45.000 Okay, I don't understand how that is.

00:28:47.000 Yeah, it's super easy to clean up.

00:28:49.000 You unscrew the top, you put it in the faucet, cleans it out.

00:28:53.000 It's fucking, it's nothing.

00:28:54.000 I mean, it's kind of gross.

00:28:55.000 You feel like a total loser once you just shot a load in a rubber pussy. 1.00

00:28:59.000 You never feel like a winner.

00:29:00.000 But that just goes along with all masturbation.

00:29:03.000 I always feel like a loser when I'm done with my load shooting.

00:29:06.000 I have a whole joke about it.

00:29:08.000 This whole bit about no matter what.

00:29:10.000 When it's over, right when it's over, no matter who you are, you're a loser.

00:29:13.000 You can be Michael Jordan.

00:29:15.000 When you're just sitting there with a load in your stomach, like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

00:29:18.000 You get that heavy breathing kind of comes to an end and you're like, ah.

00:29:21.000 I always say that I feel the same way after I jerk off as when I when I play Xbox for like nine hours in a row.

00:29:28.000 That same feeling.

00:29:29.000 Just like you just had a bunch of shit you were supposed to do and now it's two in the morning and you have to go to bed and you didn't do shit.

00:29:37.000 You fucking loser.

00:29:38.000 That's what I tell myself.

00:29:38.000 I'm weak.

00:29:39.000 You're a weak person.

00:29:43.000 A lot of comics struggle with self-indulgence.

00:29:43.000 Do you struggle?

00:29:45.000 Do you struggle with that?

00:29:46.000 Big time.

00:29:47.000 Yeah.

00:29:47.000 Oh, God.

00:29:48.000 That's definitely probably.

00:29:49.000 It's so hard when no one's telling you what time you have to get up.

00:29:52.000 It's so hard not to just get up at noon and just beat off all over yourself and go right back to sleep.

00:29:56.000 Yeah, you're describing like the last few years of my life.

00:30:00.000 And I'm like that with everything.

00:30:03.000 It's all about sleeping in, jerking off, eating good food.

00:30:08.000 And anything that feels good.

00:30:10.000 I'm surprised I don't have needles in my arm sometimes.

00:30:13.000 You and I were on the road once and we decided to get Krispy Kreme donuts at like one o'clock in the morning.

00:30:19.000 We went off.

00:30:20.000 Where the fuck was that?

00:30:21.000 Was that Tampa?

00:30:22.000 Was it?

00:30:23.000 Wait, no, if it was, yeah.

00:30:24.000 Well, it wasn't Krispy Kreme though, right?

00:30:26.000 Or was it Krispy Kreme?

00:30:27.000 I think it was.

00:30:28.000 Or maybe it wasn't.

00:30:29.000 It was some awesome donuts, whatever the fuck it was.

00:30:32.000 But dude, we attacked those bitches and we both knew that we really shouldn't be doing it. 1.00

00:30:36.000 And you had this look like, all right, fuck it, let's go.

00:30:38.000 It was just like as if I asked you to go do some crank with me.

00:30:41.000 Yeah.

00:30:41.000 Like, I haven't been doing it, but fuck it.

00:30:43.000 Let's go do it.

00:30:44.000 And then I'm most like, like, if somebody gives me permission, that's what it's like.

00:30:48.000 Like, I'm kind of like going through life waiting for somebody to give me permission.

00:30:52.000 So it's like, if somebody's like, dude, do you want to do this?

00:30:56.000 Because I'm going to do this.

00:30:57.000 Then I go, I have no control.

00:30:58.000 Yeah, what is that, man?

00:31:00.000 What is that about comedians that just like are looking for any excuse to do the wrong thing?

00:31:04.000 The wrong thing.

00:31:05.000 It's like, that's what feels good.

00:31:07.000 It feels good to do the wrong shit.

00:31:09.000 It's because what makes you become a comedian is you're resisting everything that everybody else wants you to do.

00:31:16.000 You're resisting being polite because you're thinking rude shit, which is why you're funny.

00:31:21.000 And you're saying that rude shit to get the laughs from people, so you're disturbing everybody.

00:31:25.000 So you're resisting, like, the way to become good and to become funny is to be the guy that's willing to say that shit.

00:31:32.000 I mean, that's why so many people say about comedians, like, oh, dude, I can't, you say shit that I think about all the time, but I never have the guts to say it.

00:31:40.000 I mean, how many times do people say that?

00:31:41.000 Absolutely.

00:31:42.000 Especially if you nail some current events issue.

00:31:44.000 They're like, dude, that's exactly what I thought, but I didn't have the balls to say it.

00:31:47.000 It's like that willingness to say shit that's like inappropriate or that other people would think was offensive.

00:31:55.000 That's like what makes you a comic in the first place.

00:31:57.000 Sure.

00:31:58.000 You know, so it's like, it's all like a part of your whole system.

00:32:01.000 Like you want to, it's almost like we're designed to like not fit in.

00:32:06.000 We're designed to like just step away from all of it and poke fun at it.

00:32:10.000 So it makes it so hard to fucking get your shit together.

00:32:13.000 Yeah, it does, man.

00:32:14.000 It makes it so hard to be disciplined and to show up for anything on time.

00:32:19.000 But you gotta have it.

00:32:20.000 Like, you have discipline, though, right?

00:32:22.000 I'm not the best at it.

00:32:24.000 I force myself to do certain things because I know that with my body, I'm a naturally, like, I have a lot of energy.

00:32:32.000 Yeah.

00:32:32.000 you know, and I have a lot of aggressive energy.

00:32:34.000 And my whole life, I've been doing martial arts since I was a child.

00:32:38.000 So it's like literally, there's been no time where I haven't done it.

00:32:41.000 That's something, whether it's kickboxing or jiu-jitsu or something.

00:32:45.000 There's that explosive expenditure of energy has always been a part of my life.

00:32:49.000 So if I take time off and I don't do it for like three or four days or something like that, I start getting really antsy.

00:32:56.000 And I get this buildup and I just fucking, I just, I just want to get it out and I get annoyed in traffic and I snap at people when I shouldn't be snapping at them.

00:33:03.000 I get upset about things that I shouldn't get upset at.

00:33:06.000 But when I'm not doing that, when I'm training all the time and I'm even, then I'm just so mellow.

00:33:13.000 It's like I feel like I can be me.

00:33:15.000 I enjoy life more.

00:33:17.000 I feel like there's less stress in my body so I can interpret the outside stress way better.

00:33:22.000 So it's almost like dictated by the way you operate to be that way.

00:33:27.000 Well, you know, and it's also, you know, the way my mind developed too growing up.

00:33:32.000 We moved a lot around a lot.

00:33:33.000 I don't know my dad.

00:33:34.000 I haven't talked to him since I was six years old or seven.

00:33:37.000 I haven't seen him since I was six.

00:33:38.000 Haven't talked to him since I was seven.

00:33:40.000 So I was raised by my stepfather and we moved around a lot.

00:33:42.000 So I always had to like fight against a lot of kids in different neighborhoods.

00:33:48.000 There's always a lot of bullshit that I had to fight against.

00:33:49.000 So my instincts are always to resist all the shit that's going on because people are just going to say stupid shit and get you in bad situations.

00:33:57.000 So I grew up with that and then the physical thing, like fighting thing.

00:34:01.000 So it's always resisting.

00:34:03.000 Everything's resisting.

00:34:04.000 Which is, you know, terrible because then you resist your own direction and your own ideas.

00:34:04.000 Yeah.

00:34:09.000 And you can have like a plan.

00:34:10.000 Like, hey, I'm going to take care of my body.

00:34:12.000 I'm going to, you know, eat certain foods because they're healthy.

00:34:15.000 I'm going to work out, you know, in a certain time every day because that's what I really need to get done.

00:34:20.000 I'm going to start writing material every day.

00:34:22.000 Even though it's for you and it's a good thing and you'll enjoy every single moment of all of it, you still resist doing it because it's some sort of a plan.

00:34:30.000 And anything that's a plan is like, oh, look at this stupid shit.

00:34:33.000 Yeah, yeah, exactly.

00:34:34.000 Yeah, and that's kind of like, I think every comic has that resistance to, for the most part, like, this is the status quo.

00:34:44.000 Yeah.

00:34:45.000 That's a big part of it, right?

00:34:46.000 That's kind of like why you're a stand-up.

00:34:46.000 Yeah.

00:34:50.000 It's weird because the resistance makes you a comic, and at the same time, to a degree, if you're resistant to too much, it will hold you back from doing well at comedy.

00:34:59.000 You have to realize somewhere along the line that the reason why you got into comedy is probably a bad reason.

00:35:05.000 And for most of us, it's like we want an unnecessary amount of adulation.

00:35:11.000 We want more attention than the other people do because we feel like we didn't get it when we were young.

00:35:16.000 And so this crazy buildup.

00:35:18.000 But then somewhere along the line, your motivation has to switch.

00:35:21.000 You have to kind of understand what it really is.

00:35:24.000 What I always say about it is like at a certain point in time, there's got to be a transition in your life as a comedian where you start doing it for the work and for the art and for the creation of something, the joy in making something that people enjoy instead of doing it so that people will like you, doing it so that you can get all this attention and adulation on stage.

00:35:44.000 Because that's what when you want in the beginning, you just want to be the fucking man.

00:35:47.000 You just want to get out there and kill.

00:35:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:49.000 And you want approval.

00:35:50.000 It's just you want people to be like, you're great.

00:35:52.000 And then if you have a great set and people tell you stuff and you realize how validating it was, then you realize how desperate you were.

00:36:03.000 Like when you feel so good, like you're so validated, so happy by that great show early on, you're just like, how bad did I need that?

00:36:03.000 You know what I mean?

00:36:12.000 It's kind of disturbing that I fucking need people to be like, oh, you're so amazing.

00:36:19.000 It's weird, though, because that's the only thing that really creates comedy, though.

00:36:23.000 Otherwise, you probably are not going to be motivated enough to go through the beginning.

00:36:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:29.000 Because how brutal is the beginning?

00:36:30.000 It's awful.

00:36:32.000 People don't know how painful it is to bomb on stage and how deserving it is.

00:36:32.000 It's awful, man.

00:36:38.000 Like, you fucking deserve to bomb when you're bombing.

00:36:41.000 You really do deserve it.

00:36:43.000 When you're bombing, it's because you fucking really do suck and you're supposed to feel that shitty because you're not supposed to be demanding attention.

00:36:49.000 You're not supposed to be with a microphone, with an amplified voice.

00:36:53.000 Your opinion's not that interesting.

00:36:54.000 No, it's not.

00:36:55.000 And all these people hear that and it just drives them fucking nuts, man.

00:36:59.000 You're not well thought out.

00:37:00.000 You haven't lived that much, probably, if you started young enough.

00:37:03.000 You don't have that much experience.

00:37:04.000 You don't know what you're talking about.

00:37:06.000 Yeah, you're like fucking 21 years old.

00:37:08.000 Yeah, you think you're smart, but you're not, you know, because it's like being your age now and you look back at yourself 10 years ago, you're like, I'm a fucking idiot.

00:37:14.000 Is there anything worse than 21-year-old kids that think they have the fucking political system wired and they want to talk about politics on stage?

00:37:21.000 Oh, it's the worst, man.

00:37:23.000 It really tears you up.

00:37:25.000 It's so silly.

00:37:25.000 It's like, it's one thing if they have a valid point or a silly point or something like that.

00:37:30.000 But when they start like telling you what's wrong with Republicans and you know, the Democrats are trying to do this, but the Republicans are trying to do that and they're stopping them and they're like, what are you fucking, what?

00:37:40.000 Yeah, it's, it's, it really, it really.

00:37:45.000 You have to be fucking old as shit for me to take you serious when it comes to politics. 0.70

00:37:50.000 Oh, yeah, man.

00:37:50.000 I have to know that you've been paying attention to this at least abstractly for fucking decades.

00:37:57.000 Because you have to be old in order to have even a somewhat objective, like, unemotional opinion about it.

00:38:04.000 Young people just go like, this is fucked up, man. 0.99

00:38:07.000 Like, they're not looking at it for what it really is.

00:38:09.000 They're looking at it from their hardcore bias towards one side or the other.

00:38:14.000 They're not telling you what really is going on.

00:38:16.000 No.

00:38:16.000 They're just like, I really disagree with what the other people are doing.

00:38:19.000 Which is like, that's just your fucking opinion.

00:38:21.000 Do you guys hear that water?

00:38:23.000 Is that water annoying?

00:38:26.000 Mrs. Rogan's running the fucking hose. 1.00

00:38:31.000 This is such a low-rent podcast situation.

00:38:33.000 Hold on, let me tell her to stop there. 1.00

00:38:36.000 Uh-oh.

00:38:36.000 Oh.

00:38:38.000 I'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen.

00:38:39.000 Tommy, talk about your childhood.

00:38:41.000 Okay, my childhood.

00:38:44.000 It was really bad.

00:38:45.000 I was beaten and hit a lot, and I did a lot of drugs.

00:38:49.000 Stick to the script.

00:38:51.000 Oh, that's nice.

00:38:52.000 Oh, wow, that was quick.

00:38:55.000 No, no water.

00:38:55.000 They didn't hear the water.

00:38:56.000 That's how I rule.

00:38:57.000 There was water going on in the background.

00:38:59.000 This is from my days working on Fear Factor.

00:39:04.000 We always have to check for sound issues in the background.

00:39:06.000 Like occasionally, it would be planes would fly away.

00:39:08.000 We would have to stop filming.

00:39:10.000 I hear that sound and it starts to distract the shit out of me.

00:39:12.000 But that's how I run my house, folks, with a fucking iron fist.

00:39:16.000 When I'm doing a podcast, there'll be no water in the plants.

00:39:18.000 God damn it.

00:39:19.000 So we were talking about needy, being needy, being a comedian.

00:39:22.000 The worst is when people don't recognize that and they don't change and they keep that goofy fucking ego like into their 30s and 40s, you know, and they're, you know, still trying to be the fucking man.

00:39:34.000 What I really hate is the, like, like what I call like the rah-rah comics.

00:39:39.000 Like, like, they have, like, a fake enthusiasm.

00:39:44.000 Yeah, or, or a fake, what's the worst is fake enraged.

00:39:48.000 Like, yes, it's the worst.

00:39:50.000 There's one dude specifically who drives me crazy.

00:39:53.000 And I'll tell you when, I don't want to be mean.

00:39:55.000 I'll tell you, I had a guy, I won't even tell you where, but I'll tell you afterwards, that opened for me that his whole thing was like, how fucked up this is, man?

00:39:55.000 Yeah, I don't want to be mean.

00:40:05.000 And like, it was just like, there was contrived rants about like the man and like how he was such a fucking rebel.

00:40:14.000 And like he got, you know, and the crowd's just like, yeah.

00:40:16.000 And like, you're like, dude, what you did is you just gave a stump speech.

00:40:19.000 Yeah.

00:40:20.000 Like, you know, you're running for office up there.

00:40:22.000 But in his mind, he is a brilliant revolutionary comic.

00:40:26.000 You know, that's for me like the most painful.

00:40:28.000 I worked with a dude once and the dude actually said this to the audience.

00:40:32.000 He said something stupid, something political, and then he paused and he goes, that usually gets an applause break.

00:40:40.000 He actually said that.

00:40:41.000 Good, that's great.

00:40:42.000 Could you imagine?

00:40:43.000 Could you imagine even thinking that way?

00:40:44.000 Like thinking, like, why are you not giving me my claps?

00:40:48.000 I deserve claps.

00:40:49.000 We have to agree on this point.

00:40:51.000 We should all agree on this.

00:40:52.000 Like, you know, applause breaks have to come.

00:40:55.000 You can't expect them.

00:40:57.000 Oh, my God.

00:40:58.000 You can't be looking for them.

00:40:59.000 That's gross.

00:41:00.000 And honestly, the ones that like I have gotten are never, ever, like, did you think they were going to happen there?

00:41:07.000 Like, it's always like just a natural thing.

00:41:10.000 And you're like, whoa, I can't believe that's the line or that's the point of view that gets an applause break.

00:41:17.000 It's so crazy that somebody's like crafting them.

00:41:20.000 Crafting applause breaks.

00:41:22.000 I had a friend of mine when I was coming up, he used to say, when people start clapping, you got to pause and just hold it and they'll keep clapping.

00:41:31.000 And a lot of times, you'll get an applause break when you wouldn't have gotten one.

00:41:35.000 Like, what the fuck are you talking about, man?

00:41:35.000 That's horrible.

00:41:38.000 Is that better for them?

00:41:39.000 Because they're all in there together?

00:41:41.000 That's ridiculous.

00:41:42.000 You'll see, too, the mugging for, like, when the punchline's not that good.

00:41:47.000 And then some comics will say the punchline, and then the crowd's kind of laughing, and then they'll give them a pause and a smile, like, that's where it was, and see if they'll come along for it.

00:42:00.000 Or the worst is, like, set is over, and you'll see somebody kind of like force, like, I'm done.

00:42:06.000 Like, let's force how much you're going to respond at the end of my set.

00:42:10.000 Like, and they'll just kind of stand there so the crowd's uncomfortable.

00:42:12.000 Have you ever seen a guy ask for a standing ovation?

00:42:14.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:16.000 Isn't that the funniest shit ever?

00:42:18.000 I can't, that's so terrible.

00:42:20.000 I've seen guys, like, they stand on stage, they go, ladies and gentlemen, last night I had a show.

00:42:24.000 I wasn't even as good as this.

00:42:26.000 I got a standing ovation, so I don't even know how y'all gonna react.

00:42:31.000 I was like, what the fuck is this guy doing?

00:42:33.000 He was like one of those singing comedians.

00:42:35.000 He would go up and sing songs.

00:42:37.000 He would pretend he was like this guy.

00:42:39.000 And it wasn't even really funny.

00:42:41.000 It's just like he could sound like those guys.

00:42:44.000 Oh, no.

00:42:46.000 Last night.

00:42:47.000 It sounds like a silly thing to worry about.

00:42:50.000 Why do you care about fake enthusiasm?

00:42:53.000 Why do you care about that?

00:42:54.000 The reason why you care about that is because you realize that someone's operating on a level that only works against someone who doesn't know that it's a trick.

00:43:03.000 But to everybody else who does, it doesn't work.

00:43:06.000 The only time it gets us is someone who really, really knows the trick is it's got to be real.

00:43:12.000 It's got to be a real, genuine thought that this guy has.

00:43:15.000 It's really funny and well put together.

00:43:18.000 And then it'll get us.

00:43:19.000 So it's like when we see like an audience laughing at something that's not funny to us, it's almost like insulting.

00:43:25.000 It is.

00:43:25.000 It's exactly what it is.

00:43:26.000 It's like, you fuck, you're trying to get me to laugh at that?

00:43:29.000 Yeah.

00:43:29.000 You know that it's a trick.

00:43:31.000 Like you can sense, you're like, that's what he just did was he just, you know, he just waves his hands like that.

00:43:37.000 You know, you know that it wasn't like genuine.

00:43:39.000 That's the thing is you can, you, when you do it long enough and you see it long enough, you can tell when it's genuine, when it's really like somebody's point of view.

00:43:47.000 Now, one of the weirdest things about Tommy is Tommy is actually married to a comedian and she's fucking really funny.

00:43:55.000 I saw her for the first time.

00:43:56.000 Was it like last Thursday?

00:43:57.000 What's your wife's name again? 1.00

00:43:58.000 Christina Pozzicki.

00:44:00.000 Yeah.

00:44:00.000 She doesn't keep Tommy Segura's name.

00:44:02.000 Yeah.

00:44:02.000 Notice that?

00:44:03.000 Who's wearing the pants in that house?

00:44:04.000 Huh?

00:44:05.000 Not me, man.

00:44:05.000 Not me.

00:44:07.000 She should keep your name, man.

00:44:08.000 Her last name is ridiculous. 0.99

00:44:10.000 Her last name is completely absurd.

00:44:12.000 Why is she trying to keep that stupid name? 1.00

00:44:13.000 Well, she's been doing stand-up for like, you know, eight years or something.

00:44:18.000 Well, you don't want to lose that fucking giant following she's got right there. 1.00

00:44:22.000 So maybe that's her fucking list. 0.98

00:44:24.000 She's so funny.

00:44:25.000 Maybe that's what's been holding her back.

00:44:26.000 Is that name?

00:44:27.000 I know.

00:44:28.000 And I had to really fucking hold her down to get even do the driver's license changed and all that stuff. 0.97

00:44:34.000 Because she was just like, it takes a lot of work.

00:44:34.000 Really?

00:44:36.000 You gotta go to the bottom.

00:44:37.000 It's so important to you, huh?

00:44:38.000 Yeah, I was like, fucking change my name.

00:44:41.000 And I want to own you, bitch. 1.00

00:44:43.000 And no hyphen.

00:44:44.000 None of that hyphen shit.

00:44:45.000 That's just lame.

00:44:46.000 That's weak.

00:44:47.000 I know a dude who has a comic in New York, and he did the hyphen thing, and he took her name last.

00:44:53.000 That's fucking unforgivable.

00:44:55.000 And he was a comic.

00:44:56.000 That's unforgivable.

00:44:56.000 And not just a comic, but an established comic.

00:44:59.000 I mean, this is a guy who had a good following.

00:45:01.000 Really?

00:45:02.000 Yes, he had a good following.

00:45:03.000 He had done a bunch of TV shows.

00:45:05.000 He had, you know, done like the evening of the improv sort of circuit.

00:45:08.000 He could headline.

00:45:09.000 He would headline in clubs around town.

00:45:10.000 So he had like a real reputation, a following.

00:45:13.000 And this fucking guy took his wife's name last. 1.00

00:45:17.000 It was ridiculous.

00:45:19.000 That's the death of him, right?

00:45:20.000 Well, eventually she won up breaking up with him, and that was the death of him.

00:45:23.000 Well, it was even weirder still because this guy used to get on stage and proclaim himself to be a feminist.

00:45:30.000 That's great.

00:45:32.000 Which is ridiculous for women, okay? 1.00

00:45:35.000 Just like it's just as ridiculous to like be like all into being an American, you know, like and look, America for sure is the best country, but guess what, douchebag?

00:45:44.000 You know, you were born here, you know, you didn't do anything to make this country awesome.

00:45:48.000 Yeah, you know, what'd you do?

00:45:50.000 What did you do to make this the best?

00:45:52.000 You know, did you a part of the Declaration of Independence?

00:45:54.000 Did you, you know, come on, man.

00:45:56.000 You're proud of being born in a certain patch of dirt?

00:45:58.000 That's silly.

00:45:59.000 It makes no sense.

00:46:00.000 Respecting the ideals and respecting what it is to you and being proud to be a part of what's supposed to be the civilization that's at the cusp of humanity.

00:46:10.000 And that's what we're supposed to be.

00:46:11.000 We're the people that move from everywhere else.

00:46:13.000 What America is supposed to be is we're the people who came from everywhere else and came to this one spot.

00:46:17.000 So the ideal of it should be like that you should have some pride in the ideal, but to think that somehow or another you're better because you're from this dirt and you got a problem with some other dudes from that dirt. 0.97

00:46:29.000 Like, what the fuck?

00:46:31.000 You have no credit or blame for where you're born ever.

00:46:34.000 Like, it's absurd to think that, like, it's why you can go, you know what?

00:46:37.000 Like, people that are born in, like, the Congo, you're like, that fucking sucks, man. 1.00

00:46:40.000 That guy did nothing to deserve being born in a horrible place.

00:46:44.000 Yeah.

00:46:44.000 But also, like, you didn't do anything amazing to be born in fucking, you know.

00:46:49.000 Yeah, it's like you didn't do anything great to have a vagina. 1.00

00:46:52.000 You didn't ask to be a woman. 1.00

00:46:54.000 I don't know.

00:46:54.000 You shouldn't be a guy.

00:46:55.000 You know, and to be a feminist, like to only like be into like feminine values and pushing forth. 1.00

00:47:01.000 I understand that you think that you're fighting against something.

00:47:03.000 I totally understand that.

00:47:04.000 But we should all be against oppression for everyone.

00:47:08.000 Not just oppression for women. 1.00

00:47:09.000 Like to concentrate on that just as a group.

00:47:12.000 Like every feminist I have ever met to a woman, and I've only met two, have been really fucking annoying. 0.99

00:47:18.000 I probably met more than two.

00:47:18.000 Were they only?

00:47:19.000 No, they were horrendous.

00:47:21.000 One of them I had an argument with at the comedy store, some crazy lady who like started insulting me. 1.00

00:47:26.000 I tried to be like super nice to her.

00:47:27.000 There's a video of it online.

00:47:29.000 She's like a performance artist slash feminist and she like she fucking turned on me. 1.00

00:47:34.000 I tried to like just talk to her.

00:47:36.000 She was asking me questions and she actually interrupted a conversation that I was having with somebody else and she started talking to me and then somewhere along the line she kept telling me to look in her eyes when I was talking to her and I just got I got annoyed and I just started attacking her.

00:47:49.000 Yeah.

00:47:50.000 Which is what I tend to do when people are douchey.

00:47:52.000 They're never I think that whole like I mean just I'm totally for like I said nobody being discriminated against.

00:47:59.000 Right absolutely.

00:48:00.000 But like the people who really subscribe to like when it's a woman that really subscribes to I gotta be a champion of women.

00:48:07.000 I find for the most of the part most of the time it's women that were not ever like pursued that like guys didn't really want them and they go off like it's never a really attractive woman that has men like climbing all over fighting all over to get to her.

00:48:24.000 And if she is she's fucking crazy. 0.64

00:48:26.000 She's out of her mind.

00:48:27.000 Yeah, she's out of her mind.

00:48:28.000 It's like I always feel about the same way I always feel about guys like Al Sharpton or guys like Jesse Jackson that are only involved in black and white issues, only involved in black people issues.

00:48:38.000 I'm like fucking really and really menu.

00:48:41.000 And their only involved profit.

00:48:45.000 And their only motivation is they love being on camera.

00:48:48.000 Right.

00:48:49.000 Well and being on camera is the reason why we wear fucking expensive suits and driving beautiful cars.

00:48:55.000 They have become the voice of discrimination.

00:48:58.000 That's fucking ridiculous to have one person or two people, you know, and one of them, how about Al Sharpton?

00:49:04.000 He starts, his whole career started out over a false rape accusation by some crazy chick that he got behind.

00:49:09.000 They blamed it on white people.

00:49:10.000 This Tawana Brawley case.

00:49:11.000 If you don't know about this, she smeared shit on her own body and claimed that she got raped. 1.00

00:49:15.000 You didn't know the story?

00:49:15.000 Really?

00:49:16.000 You got to look it up.

00:49:17.000 Google Tawana Brawley, Al Sharpton.

00:49:20.000 It's a hilarious story.

00:49:21.000 It's like she falsely accused people of rape and he made his career out of getting in the public eye and making a big deal out of this and turning it into this gigantic rape issue.

00:49:33.000 I think that guy loves when any black person has something like scandalous affliction. 1.00

00:49:40.000 He loves it.

00:49:41.000 He gets to come on and be like, this is a travesty.

00:49:43.000 Yeah, he gets to talk.

00:49:44.000 It's fucking bullshit, man.

00:49:46.000 Yeah, it's incredible that there's two guys that are at the forefront of any public issue that has to do with race.

00:49:54.000 And it's to do with black and white people.

00:49:56.000 But it does not race either.

00:49:58.000 Because if there's some gigantic Vietnamese and white person issue, I fucking doubt you're going to see Jesse Jackson on TV trying to support those Vietnamese people.

00:50:06.000 That's the thing, man, is that they asked Al Sharpton one time, hey, would you, because he came to the rescue of like some, I don't know, he came to speak out because, oh, some kid got kicked out of school for fighting at the school.

00:50:16.000 It was a black kid, of course.

00:50:17.000 Right.

00:50:18.000 And he was like, horse.

00:50:18.000 What the fuck are you saying?

00:50:19.000 Well, I mean, Al wouldn't care.

00:50:21.000 Al wouldn't show up if it wasn't a black person. 1.00

00:50:23.000 So they go like, will you fucking, would you do, would you care?

00:50:26.000 Would you show up if like if it was a white kid?

00:50:29.000 He was like, absolutely.

00:50:30.000 If they were to reach out to me, I would.

00:50:32.000 That's complete bullshit.

00:50:33.000 Well, maybe it's not.

00:50:33.000 He wouldn't.

00:50:34.000 I don't know.

00:50:34.000 Al Sharpton, he's so whorish that he might go on just for the opportunity to show that he's not just about black people.

00:50:42.000 But it's never happened.

00:50:43.000 But nobody invites him.

00:50:44.000 If a white kid gets in trouble, nobody's going to invite Al Sharpton.

00:50:47.000 I'm going to call him.

00:50:47.000 I'm going to invite him next time.

00:50:48.000 Next time some white shit happens, I'm calling Al Sharpton and I'm going to ask him to please show up.

00:50:53.000 How do we fix that?

00:50:54.000 How do we fix this ridiculous idea that black people and white people and that, like, you know, there's a group of them and they're against a group of us and men, against women, against...

00:51:06.000 Morons, assholes, and people you can hang out with.

00:51:10.000 And that's reality.

00:51:11.000 And there might be some people in those people that you can hang out with that you truly love.

00:51:14.000 There's a broad spectrum.

00:51:15.000 And other people that you can just tolerate.

00:51:17.000 But that's the group.

00:51:18.000 It's morons, assholes, and people you can hang out with.

00:51:21.000 And sometimes you can hang out with assholes if you know them well enough or if you grew up with them.

00:51:25.000 And you can, there's a bunch of people that I grew up with that I still keep in touch with that I probably would never talk to if I didn't grow up with them.

00:51:32.000 Guys I used to do martial arts with and stuff and there's a bunch of dudes that I'm happy to talk to them and I'm happy they're in my life.

00:51:38.000 But the reality is if I met them today, we wouldn't be such close friends.

00:51:40.000 Oh, I know.

00:51:41.000 I know exactly.

00:51:42.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:51:43.000 But the idea that we still do this in 2010, like, is that going to change ever?

00:51:48.000 Are we ever going to melt together to be one fucking big giant mocha race? 1.00

00:51:53.000 You know, like a combination of everybody and just drop all the nutty diversity that causes problems. 1.00

00:52:00.000 I think in this country it's going to come pretty fucking close.

00:52:02.000 People love diversity.

00:52:03.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:52:04.000 Like A lot of people say, well, diversity doesn't cause problems.

00:52:06.000 Racism causes problems.

00:52:07.000 You know, it's actually a challenge to look at people and judge them not by, you know, as Martin Luther King said, by the color of their skin, by the content of the character.

00:52:15.000 You know, that's a challenge, and that's a good thing.

00:52:17.000 And I agree.

00:52:18.000 Yeah, definitely.

00:52:19.000 I like having a bunch of different people.

00:52:19.000 For me, it is.

00:52:21.000 But I don't know if, like, as a race, if we can figure out a way, as a human race, to not differentiate because of the way we look.

00:52:29.000 I don't know if we can.

00:52:30.000 I mean, it's unnatural, like, people's natural instinct is to, like, and I'm just saying, well, it's to judge, but it's also to be drawn to people like you.

00:52:39.000 Right Like that's just And it's not even What's that about, man?

00:52:47.000 But they only go for the pigs.

00:52:48.000 No, they don't.

00:52:49.000 That's just the ones they can get.

00:52:51.000 Listen, man, there's a lot of black dudes out there fucking a lot of white girls. 1.00

00:52:55.000 Don't get crazy.

00:52:56.000 No, yeah, I agree.

00:52:58.000 Especially athletes.

00:52:59.000 Like, you ever seen, like, Michael Jordan?

00:53:00.000 He's always with tens everywhere he goes.

00:53:02.000 Oh, but that's Michael Jordan.

00:53:03.000 Getting in his car with a 10.

00:53:05.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:53:05.000 But they're all white.

00:53:06.000 He's got a badass, like, I think she's like a Cuban bitch right now. 1.00

00:53:10.000 She's out.

00:53:11.000 And look at Tiger Woods.

00:53:12.000 All hot white chicks. 1.00

00:53:14.000 You know?

00:53:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:53:14.000 But Tiger Woods is an amalgamation himself.

00:53:18.000 But when you're out, you usually see the brothers with like a chick. 0.85

00:53:22.000 I mean, you know, I don't go to the really good places.

00:53:26.000 So maybe it's round.

00:53:28.000 The really good places.

00:53:29.000 But I usually see them with fucking animals.

00:53:31.000 Like the beasts.

00:53:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:35.000 And it'll be like a chick who is driving him and be like, I just got to eat some shoes. 0.98

00:53:40.000 Well, that's not a bad deal.

00:53:42.000 Look, I think water seeks its own level.

00:53:44.000 And if that ugly chick can get a good-looking black man to fuck the shit out of her every week. 1.00

00:53:48.000 So what if he robs her every now and then?

00:53:52.000 But wait, do you think, though, like, if you were to walk into like a whatever, a room somewhere, and it was segregated, wouldn't it be the inclination that you would go towards?

00:54:03.000 Yeah.

00:54:03.000 The white people?

00:54:04.000 I wish I wouldn't.

00:54:06.000 But it depends on where I am.

00:54:08.000 But I don't think that's even like...

00:54:13.000 No.

00:54:14.000 If it's a group of comedians, it's like you're all the same, right?

00:54:17.000 Don't you feel like that?

00:54:18.000 You're walking into a group.

00:54:21.000 But if you don't know them, if you don't know anything about them.

00:54:23.000 You don't know anybody.

00:54:24.000 Yeah, you might go towards the white guys.

00:54:25.000 But a black guy would walk. 1.00

00:54:26.000 It depends on how the black guys are dressed. 0.98

00:54:28.000 If they're dressed in suits and ties and they look like businessmen, then I might go to them, you know?

00:54:32.000 But what if they all had on blue or red caps and bandanas?

00:54:36.000 Then I would go to the white guys. 0.88

00:54:38.000 I would go to the biggest, fattest white guy that would stand behind him in case some shit happens. 0.77

00:54:42.000 Yeah.

00:54:43.000 And I would stand real close to the door.

00:54:44.000 I'd try to angle myself, try to line up the room, you know?

00:54:47.000 But I think if you go somewhere, I mean, you'll see like, you know, Asians will be with Asians and Latin people.

00:54:53.000 Well, I think it's also a part of our natural inclination from back when we were, you know, tribes of monkey people to select a group and to stay with that group and to assume that all the other groups are against you. 0.92

00:55:04.000 You know, I mean, that's what we do with sports teams.

00:55:06.000 That's what we do with state pride.

00:55:08.000 You know, that's what we do in the North versus the South.

00:55:11.000 It's really all the same thing.

00:55:12.000 It's all team shit.

00:55:14.000 You know, there's a theory that we talked about on here on the show before that this anthropologist came up with.

00:55:23.000 It's called Dunbar's number.

00:55:24.000 And Dunbar's number is, it's all about the number of people that you're capable of remembering and having stable relationships with.

00:55:33.000 And it's like 150 people is the most.

00:55:36.000 And that's the theory.

00:55:37.000 The theory is, I don't know if it's right or not, but it's pretty close, in my opinion, knowing a lot of people.

00:55:41.000 I think 150 people sounds about right.

00:55:43.000 It's like you can't have that many more people in your life because if you do, it's just too confusing and you don't have the capacity to remember it.

00:55:50.000 It's almost like our culture has evolved so far that it's an operating system that our hard drive isn't capable of processing.

00:56:00.000 Like what our operating system is, is our operating system and our memory and our hardware is set up for living in fucking 10,000 BC, throwing sticks with rocks, sharp rocks at the end of it at moving animals.

00:56:18.000 Our hardware has barely evolved past that, but our software, our culture is just fucking crazy.

00:56:27.000 There's 300 million of us all in this one continent and all supposed to be on the same team.

00:56:31.000 And there's so much disconnection that we try to get connections, like little small connections.

00:56:36.000 The tribe itself is too massive.

00:56:39.000 I think like thousands and thousands of years ago, like, you know, when people had, you know, when we were tribes of hunters and gatherers and we were nomadic and everything like that, like the bond between people in those tribes must have been so fucking intense.

00:56:52.000 Really, yeah.

00:56:53.000 So much better and more, more, more cooperation, more love for each other, more community than we have today.

00:56:59.000 I mean, do you even fucking know your neighbors, man?

00:57:01.000 Do you know your neighbors?

00:57:02.000 But I think part, I do not, actually.

00:57:04.000 This guy who lives over here is a douchebag.

00:57:06.000 I know that.

00:57:06.000 He lets his dogs go out and they bite other people's dogs.

00:57:09.000 And then, you know, I got this guy up the street that's kind of a pain in the ass.

00:57:13.000 And this lady's weird and she always asks weird questions. 1.00

00:57:15.000 It's like, I barely know these fucking people.

00:57:17.000 I wave to a few of them.

00:57:19.000 You know, some of them I like to see them, but it's not like it used to be, man.

00:57:23.000 I live doors down from, I live in an apartment.

00:57:25.000 Yeah.

00:57:25.000 Like, I live like that.

00:57:28.000 I don't know their names.

00:57:28.000 That's crazy.

00:57:29.000 You're living in like a hotel.

00:57:31.000 Yeah.

00:57:31.000 And I think it's, you know, part of it is that I feel like today it's almost like we kind of almost in a weird way encourage people to be selfish.

00:57:41.000 We tell people like, don't waste your time with that.

00:57:44.000 Don't do this and that for so-and-so. 0.97

00:57:46.000 It's like you're saying...

00:57:47.000 Look out for yourself shit.

00:57:49.000 Yeah, but it's kind of like...

00:57:52.000 Yeah, don't go out of your way for somebody, man.

00:57:54.000 That's kind of the way it's.

00:57:55.000 Our culture has evolved into this weird place to deal with the fact that there's so many of us.

00:58:01.000 I mean, that's really what it is.

00:58:02.000 There's just too fucking many human beings in this one place.

00:58:05.000 You know, for the way we're wired.

00:58:05.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:58:07.000 Not too many beings.

00:58:08.000 I mean, obviously, it's not sustainable if we keep growing at this rate, but the rate, like right now, we have enough food if we, you know, if we concentrate on everything and do, I mean, we're feeding people, you know, we are getting it done right now.

00:58:19.000 But man, we're set up for much smaller groups.

00:58:23.000 Oh, yeah.

00:58:23.000 That shit will hypnotize you.

00:58:24.000 You can't look at that.

00:58:25.000 I know.

00:58:25.000 Sorry.

00:58:26.000 They'll fuck with you.

00:58:26.000 I got this right.

00:58:27.000 And then you won't be able to have a conversation.

00:58:28.000 Yeah, sorry.

00:58:29.000 And the chat will blind you with its retardation. 1.00

00:58:35.000 There's some cool people in that chat, but there's some monsters in there.

00:58:38.000 There's some fucking monkeys.

00:58:41.000 So, anyway, the way we got onto this subject was feminism and the idea that this poor fuck who changed his name was actually a male feminist. 1.00

00:58:53.000 That's so depressing.

00:58:54.000 So sad.

00:58:55.000 Can you imagine a woman being a maleist? 1.00

00:59:00.000 Is that a word?

00:59:01.000 Could you imagine?

00:59:02.000 A woman who sticks up for men's rights? 1.00

00:59:04.000 That would be just a whore. 1.00

00:59:06.000 That's all you would think about that girl. 0.69

00:59:08.000 That might be like a girl that survives on loads. 0.74

00:59:12.000 If she doesn't have them, she doesn't live.

00:59:14.000 Yeah, she's like a load vampire. 1.00

00:59:16.000 Yeah, give me the loads.

00:59:17.000 Chug, chug, chug.

00:59:18.000 Could you imagine what a ridiculous idea that a woman would be a malist? 1.00

00:59:22.000 And everybody would have such a definitive masculinist.

00:59:27.000 Is there a word?

00:59:28.000 I don't think there is even a word.

00:59:29.000 Feminist is such a common part of our vocabulary, but pro-male, yeah, is like Lykus 101 was as close as we got. 0.91

00:59:41.000 But any woman that would be only into men, no chicks would trust that fucking bitch. 1.00

00:59:47.000 No, no way.

00:59:48.000 For a second.

00:59:49.000 She's doing, you know, like standing up for men's rights.

00:59:51.000 And no chicks would trust her, and guys would just, like, they'd be all over it, but they would also be like, you would be like, something's wrong with this bitch. 1.00

00:59:59.000 Yeah.

01:00:00.000 And they would think it's a gimmick, too.

01:00:01.000 Which I thought with him, with this guy, he would go on stage and talk about on stage how he's a feminist. 1.00

01:00:05.000 And I'd be like, oh, my God.

01:00:08.000 And would chicks just cheer? 0.99

01:00:09.000 Like, yeah.

01:00:10.000 The broken ones.

01:00:12.000 Yeah.

01:00:12.000 The broken ones that like to see a man who's fucking wearing a bridle in his mouth, whip marks on his ass.

01:00:18.000 Yeah, that's poor fuck.

01:00:21.000 He's a sad guy, man.

01:00:24.000 The groups, man.

01:00:26.000 You know, it's very hard to be a female comedian. 0.99

01:00:29.000 And this is where we all got started from.

01:00:31.000 You know, your wife wouldn't change her name. 1.00

01:00:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:00:35.000 So your wife, even though she won't change her name, still very funny.

01:00:39.000 And how long has she been doing comedy?

01:00:40.000 Yeah, about eight years.

01:00:41.000 Eight years?

01:00:42.000 Yeah, about eight years.

01:00:43.000 So you guys have like pretty similar timelines.

01:00:45.000 How many years have you been doing it now?

01:00:45.000 Yeah.

01:00:46.000 Eight.

01:00:47.000 Yep.

01:00:47.000 Eight.

01:00:49.000 Where'd you meet her?

01:00:50.000 I met her in a room doing the show.

01:00:53.000 Did you fuck her that night? 1.00

01:00:54.000 No.

01:00:54.000 You don't have to tell anybody.

01:00:55.000 Yeah, no.

01:00:56.000 No.

01:00:57.000 She had a different boyfriend at the time.

01:00:59.000 She stole that bitch. 1.00

01:00:59.000 Really? 1.00

01:01:00.000 Well, no, they broke up.

01:01:02.000 I mean, they.

01:01:02.000 Did you have anything to do with them breaking out?

01:01:04.000 No, nothing.

01:01:04.000 Nothing.

01:01:05.000 I always thought she was cool.

01:01:06.000 I thought they were cool, nice, and like, I just, I thought I liked her, but I was like, that's just not going to happen.

01:01:06.000 No.

01:01:11.000 Like, they were together a while, man.

01:01:13.000 Like, a few years, you know.

01:01:14.000 How did he fuck up?

01:01:16.000 I don't know how he fucked up.

01:01:16.000 I don't know.

01:01:18.000 I mean, I know that she left Tommy Buns into the picture. 0.88

01:01:20.000 She just thought he fucked up.

01:01:23.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:01:25.000 She just decided, I guess, that she wasn't going to marry that guy.

01:01:28.000 Wow.

01:01:28.000 Yeah.

01:01:29.000 And I came in there and I just took that shit.

01:01:31.000 You just grabbed it.

01:01:32.000 Yeah.

01:01:32.000 Just came in.

01:01:33.000 Took what I was doing.

01:01:34.000 She was vulnerable.

01:01:35.000 You got her on the rebound.

01:01:35.000 Yeah.

01:01:37.000 Totally.

01:01:37.000 Slammed dunk.

01:01:38.000 I totally did.

01:01:38.000 How many weeks after the breakup did you get her?

01:01:41.000 I think it was like, I think like a couple months had passed.

01:01:43.000 A couple months.

01:01:44.000 I think so.

01:01:45.000 She's thinking, huh?

01:01:45.000 She's a good person.

01:01:46.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:01:47.000 Chicks get mad. 1.00

01:01:49.000 They get so mad when you break up with a chick and you have a new one right away.

01:01:52.000 They get angry.

01:01:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:01:54.000 You know, a friend of ours is going through a situation like that right now.

01:01:57.000 We can't really talk about it now.

01:01:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:01:59.000 Yeah.

01:01:59.000 But his ex is angry at him.

01:02:02.000 Oh, because, yeah.

01:02:03.000 I bet it's really high.

01:02:04.000 Angry like a motherfucker.

01:02:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:08.000 She, um, whatever.

01:02:10.000 What you gonna do, man?

01:02:11.000 That can't be good, man.

01:02:12.000 Yeah, you know, it's the attachment that people have to each other is so fucking intense that when they break, when someone breaks up with you and then starts dating someone else, you feel like they stole from you.

01:02:22.000 Like they stole your happiness.

01:02:24.000 You know, it's like, where's my fucking happiness?

01:02:26.000 And why is my happiness been replaced with deep sorrow and sadness?

01:02:30.000 Devastating feeling, man.

01:02:31.000 It's fucking crushing, man.

01:02:32.000 There's nothing actually separate from that that makes you feel that quite that way.

01:02:37.000 I can't think of anything else.

01:02:38.000 No, like death.

01:02:39.000 Yeah, it's like death.

01:02:41.000 Like a death, a dog dies.

01:02:42.000 More than a dog dies.

01:02:43.000 A friend dies.

01:02:44.000 A friend or a dog.

01:02:45.000 Yeah, it's a devastating thing for people, man.

01:02:47.000 It's because nature has it set up that we attach to each other and that we become addicted to each other.

01:02:53.000 And then we literally, having that person in your life, it's like your whole formula, your whole balance is, it requires having that person in the system.

01:03:06.000 Like you have a whole system and that person you go to for your love and your sex and your, and they like lock into your grid.

01:03:12.000 You know, when they're gone, it's like you have this gaping hole where that person used to be.

01:03:17.000 And most people just try to fill that bitch up real quick. 1.00

01:03:19.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:03:20.000 With the next one.

01:03:21.000 We got a leak.

01:03:22.000 Plug it up.

01:03:23.000 It's weird, man, but it's all set up so that we breed.

01:03:26.000 It's all like these weird little biological tricks.

01:03:28.000 You know, like the irrationality of the breakup depression.

01:03:33.000 It's so intense.

01:03:34.000 And you can tell people all day, it doesn't matter.

01:03:36.000 There's other people out there.

01:03:38.000 You're going to do that.

01:03:38.000 It doesn't matter.

01:03:40.000 You can rationalize all day.

01:03:42.000 And there's going to be times where people make phone calls they should not fucking make.

01:03:47.000 You know it's over, but you're like, if I just call her, maybe I never expressed myself.

01:03:51.000 Maybe I never did it the right way.

01:03:53.000 And then you call her.

01:03:53.000 And then there's that empty feeling where you're talking to them and they really don't want to talk to you.

01:03:57.000 And they're like, listen, I think I need to be by myself.

01:04:00.000 Listen, just give me a chance.

01:04:01.000 Just try.

01:04:02.000 No, I am with someone right now.

01:04:04.000 And you're like, what?

01:04:05.000 They're what?

01:04:06.000 And then, ugh.

01:04:08.000 And then you hang up and then you can't sleep and you're devastated.

01:04:11.000 Like, what a trick.

01:04:12.000 What a terrible trick.

01:04:13.000 And if you look back on some of the times you've had those situations and how fucking happy you are that you broke up with that person.

01:04:20.000 Oh, sure, man.

01:04:21.000 I mean, how many times has that happened?

01:04:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:04:22.000 When you look back on, like, when I was 21 and my girlfriend broke up with me, I was so sad for, like, a week.

01:04:28.000 I thought she was going to be the one.

01:04:28.000 I couldn't believe it.

01:04:29.000 We're going to have babies together and shit.

01:04:31.000 But now I think back.

01:04:32.000 I'm like, what if I got stuck with her?

01:04:34.000 Oh.

01:04:34.000 Oh, yeah.

01:04:35.000 I think about just, like, times where, like, I went out even, you know, went out, like, wanted to pursue somebody and, like, maybe went out with them a few times and it didn't work out, it didn't evolve.

01:04:45.000 And how that was, like, you know, it was, like, depressing.

01:04:47.000 You're like, oh.

01:04:48.000 And then you get to, like, you sort of get to know the person from a distance.

01:04:52.000 You're like, can you imagine if I had ended up?

01:04:54.000 Like, if that had worked out, I would be miserable today.

01:04:56.000 Have you ever had an angry girlfriend?

01:04:57.000 No.

01:04:59.000 I've had a few angry ones.

01:05:00.000 No.

01:05:00.000 I've had a few anger ones.

01:05:02.000 The angry ones are so strange because you just tolerate, like, this yelling and this craziness.

01:05:09.000 in your life, you tolerate people getting pissed at you, you tolerate negativity, and then you realize one day like you break up with them and you go okay the the fucking noise has stopped yeah like the mind i feel so much better like i was dating a fucking crazy person shaking your core, yeah.

01:05:23.000 It's like I was dating some fucking some monster, some, some deficit in my life, you know?

01:05:29.000 Yeah, I lived with somebody.

01:05:33.000 No, no, not, but not a girlfriend.

01:05:35.000 I had roommates who, and one of my roommates dated a fucking monster.

01:05:40.000 And when they ended it, it was like the whole, like the whole apartment complex calmed down.

01:05:45.000 Like, you know what I mean?

01:05:46.000 It was like, dude, it's supposed to be this chill.

01:05:48.000 Yeah.

01:05:49.000 You were bringing fucking devastation to this place every day.

01:05:54.000 Why did you invite an earthquake in here every single day?

01:06:02.000 You gotta figure out a way to separate yourself from that.

01:06:04.000 Like, that's like number one.

01:06:06.000 Like, any shit you have to deal with, like, if you have a fucked up job and it's a bad situation, you gotta get the fuck out of there.

01:06:12.000 Just go, man.

01:06:13.000 Just go.

01:06:14.000 Yeah, you can't just swallow that.

01:06:15.000 There's a reason why so many guys go postal.

01:06:18.000 You know, you hear that expression, postal.

01:06:20.000 I mean, there's a reason why that expression exists.

01:06:22.000 It's because that job sucks.

01:06:24.000 That job's boring as fuck, and you work with a bunch of assholes.

01:06:27.000 And one day you go, I'm going to get a fucking gun, and I'm going to kill every last one of you, douchebags, because they have been the source of your pain and frustration every goddamn day.

01:06:37.000 You show up at work, there's negativity, and not saying that the guy who shoots him isn't the fucking the cause of it.

01:06:43.000 I mean, a lot of times they are.

01:06:45.000 But it's like to them, like, there's, you know, they're hardwired wrong.

01:06:48.000 So whatever, whatever the fuck, the reason they hate it, you know, they get there and it's just shit.

01:06:53.000 Every day it's shit.

01:06:54.000 There's so many people out there that just hate everyone they have to deal with every day.

01:06:59.000 And they have bosses that fuck with them.

01:07:01.000 And you realize, too, man, like after, you know, when you get like a little bit older, you start to figure out that like you're in control of like your own happiness in a lot of ways.

01:07:11.000 You are, but you're not.

01:07:12.000 When you get all locked up with debt, the thing is, you get a car and you get an apartment and you have bills you have to pay every fucking month.

01:07:21.000 That's when things get tricky.

01:07:22.000 Because then, especially in this economy, what do you do?

01:07:25.000 Do you fucking just cast yourself off free?

01:07:27.000 Do you quit this without having another job?

01:07:30.000 I think, well, there's like borderline.

01:07:32.000 You don't be a fucking, like, I'm just going to quit everything. 0.99

01:07:35.000 But, like, if you're really fucking miserable, either at your job or in a relationship or even like with like, with like a friend or whatever it is, you can fucking make that better.

01:07:47.000 Like, you can get, you can leave somebody.

01:07:50.000 You can look for another job.

01:07:51.000 I know it's, I'm not saying it's.

01:07:52.000 You can get your own shit together.

01:07:53.000 You can get your shit together.

01:07:54.000 You're getting your own shit together.

01:07:56.000 The only way you're ever going to really have a fun life and a fun relationship is if you deal with your own personal bullshit.

01:08:02.000 Like, you can't have a good relationship if you've got a lot of personal bullshit.

01:08:05.000 Absolutely.

01:08:05.000 Yeah.

01:08:05.000 Absolutely.

01:08:06.000 There's no such thing as somebody who's got a bunch of fucking their own issues and has great relationships.

01:08:13.000 You have to straighten your shit up.

01:08:14.000 But I'm just saying, like, you can make a decision to not be miserable.

01:08:17.000 How many times do you ever get that speech where people ask you, like, hey, how'd you get started in comedy?

01:08:24.000 If I wanted to do comedy, how would I get started?

01:08:27.000 And they're like 35 or 36.

01:08:29.000 Dude, I don't even know what to tell you.

01:08:31.000 You're going to have to live like a pauper.

01:08:33.000 Are you ready to get it?

01:08:34.000 You get that hot tub time machine going and go back.

01:08:37.000 You can't start.

01:08:38.000 Well, Robert Schimmel did, you know.

01:08:38.000 I mean, you can't.

01:08:40.000 Schimbel started when he was 36.

01:08:42.000 That's fucking crazy.

01:08:42.000 I'm pretty sure.

01:08:44.000 I'm pretty sure.

01:08:44.000 Yeah.

01:08:45.000 I'm pretty sure he started fairly late.

01:08:48.000 And I believe he already had a family.

01:08:50.000 He did.

01:08:50.000 Yeah.

01:08:51.000 He did remember.

01:08:51.000 Which is, that makes it even harder.

01:08:54.000 He's hilarious, dude.

01:08:55.000 He's very funny.

01:08:56.000 I love it.

01:08:57.000 He's sick right now.

01:08:58.000 He's sick again?

01:08:59.000 He's got to have some sort of a liver transplant or something like that.

01:09:01.000 Oh, no, man.

01:09:02.000 Yeah, it's very sad.

01:09:04.000 He's a great guy.

01:09:05.000 Very, very, very funny guy, too.

01:09:07.000 And a super nice guy, too.

01:09:07.000 Super funny.

01:09:09.000 I love that he can, he, like, when you watch him, like, you're watching somebody who's, it, There's really a controlled, like, lower amount of energy where you're like, this guy looks like he's ordering fucking a sandwich or something.

01:09:09.000 Yeah.

01:09:26.000 And the room is just fucking exploding.

01:09:26.000 And it's hilarious.

01:09:29.000 He's a really good writer.

01:09:31.000 He's really good at his pace and setting.

01:09:34.000 He's got his own very particular style.

01:09:36.000 Super, very unique style.

01:09:38.000 He's fantastic, man.

01:09:39.000 And a lot of his stuff is very juvenile, which I respect.

01:09:42.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:09:43.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:09:44.000 I mean, he's got a lot of advanced dick jokes.

01:09:49.000 But they're really good and well-written shit.

01:09:52.000 He's so fucking funny.

01:09:53.000 He started late in life, man.

01:09:55.000 The likelihood of somebody being 36 and being as good as Robert Schimmel has got to be, I don't know, it's in the billions, right?

01:10:06.000 That's not supposed to happen.

01:10:07.000 It's not supposed to happen.

01:10:08.000 Usually when people start out in their late 30s, it's too late.

01:10:13.000 I started when I was 21.

01:10:14.000 I started just a few weeks after my 21st birthday.

01:10:18.000 I turned 21, August 11th, 1988, and August 27th is the first time I ever went on stage.

01:10:26.000 Wow, man.

01:10:28.000 What about you?

01:10:29.000 I started when I was 20.

01:10:32.000 I just turned 23.

01:10:34.000 Yeah.

01:10:35.000 That's a good time, right?

01:10:36.000 Because you're not locked into any sort of success.

01:10:40.000 It's not like you're moving up the corporate ladder and you're doing pretty good and you don't want to fucking sidetrack that and try to do stand-up and then have the stand-up not work out.

01:10:50.000 And then you go, well, I could have been a success here.

01:10:53.000 I know a couple guys that did that.

01:10:54.000 I know a couple guys that, because that's hard to give up your lifestyle if you got, like, if you're making good money in a regular job.

01:11:00.000 It's one of the hardest things, that leap, that untethering from the system, trying to make it into show business, quote unquote.

01:11:07.000 Especially something as volatile as stand-up comedy, especially in the beginning when you really don't know what the fuck you're doing.

01:11:13.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:14.000 You know, I was lucky.

01:11:16.000 I was 21 and I, you know, I had a bunch of shit going on martial arts-wise.

01:11:20.000 I was teaching and stuff, but I didn't really have any money.

01:11:24.000 You know, I mean, I had a little.

01:11:26.000 I had a car that I was making payments on.

01:11:28.000 And once I started doing comedy, I didn't have any money.

01:11:31.000 My car got repossessed.

01:11:32.000 I had to get a shooter.

01:11:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:11:34.000 Yeah, I went broke.

01:11:35.000 But there's no other way around it.

01:11:38.000 No, there's not.

01:11:39.000 When I think about how many times I've approached, basically devastation is near, financial devastation.

01:11:45.000 When you can see it.

01:11:46.000 Yeah, close, man.

01:11:47.000 Here's the bank account.

01:11:48.000 And here's the calendar.

01:11:49.000 And you go, how am I going to make money happen?

01:11:51.000 Right.

01:11:52.000 But then it's weird.

01:11:53.000 It's like the universe provides.

01:11:55.000 Right when you're like, oh, I don't know what's going to happen.

01:11:57.000 Something will happen.

01:11:59.000 As long as you keep working.

01:12:00.000 As you're working at it.

01:12:01.000 As long as you don't sit around and wait for it to provide.

01:12:03.000 As long as you keep hustling and keep grinding.

01:12:06.000 Yeah, the universe will provide.

01:12:08.000 you know and ladies and gentlemen i guarantee you you will laugh if you do not laugh at this you are a douchebag it's thrilled tom segura you can get it on iTunes can you get it on amazon you can get it on amazon amazon.com you can get it at one of tommy's shows where are you at next i'm at denver this week at oh comedy works downtown oh that's the best one because comedy works downtown is the shit i love that place thursday through sunday and if you're lucky it probably stopped snowing there oh that's right yeah that's true yeah it snowed in montreal saturday did it really when 0.64

01:12:38.000 were leaving it was snowing j7 may 7th yeah may 7th or whatever the fuck it was and 30 something degrees out and snowing oh my god i hope it's not that fucking cold i'm not ready for that no denver's not gonna be that bad it's already may it's gonna probably be like 60s it'll be nice the colorado's beautiful in the spring spring and summer it's fucking awesome it's gotta be great you went up to my house up there you know yeah dude that shit was fucking sick yeah that was ridiculous too bad a mountain lion ate my goddamn dog did it really and 0.90

01:13:08.000 yeah too bad my chick doesn't know how to drive in the fucking snow that's part of the problem she hit she hit a wall she had a tree and she hit uh uh the side of a mountain she has two separate accidents and snowy roads she just doesn't know how to drive in the snow at all she grew up in texas and after the what a second time and it was like i go on the road too much i'm like i can't leave you here you don't know how to fucking drive in the snow it's ridiculous when the mountains she doesn't know i grew up in boston dude i not only did i grow up in boston I had a newspaper route for 0.79

01:13:38.000 five years.

01:13:38.000 five years that means that for five years it didn't matter how much snow was out i was driving yeah i drove every goddamn day i know how to hit that slide counter that bitch i know how to stay calm and pump the brakes i i don't i don't panic when my car starts sliding yeah yeah you know because yeah i had to throw papers out the window and you know i i got in a ton of accidents too just growing up shit i must have been in 10 accidents by the time i was like 21.

01:14:05.000 Really from snow and ice and everything?

01:14:06.000 Snow and ice and just being retarded. 1.00

01:14:09.000 Isn't it amazing here in LA or California even, I guess, how people react to rain?

01:14:14.000 They fucking panic.

01:14:15.000 Like really lose their minds?

01:14:16.000 No idea how to drive.

01:14:17.000 No idea that, well, not only that, it gets slippery as fuck when the rain first starts.

01:14:22.000 People don't realize this, especially if you have shitty tires and shitty brakes.

01:14:25.000 It's because the oil on the ground is from driving and people's engines leaking.

01:14:31.000 It never gets rinsed off like it does in a normal city.

01:14:34.000 It just builds up because it doesn't rain here for like fucking months sometimes.

01:14:38.000 Months and months and months.

01:14:39.000 So there's months of millions and millions of cars every day going over the same spot.

01:14:42.000 Drip, drip, drip, drip.

01:14:44.000 So oil gets everywhere.

01:14:45.000 And as soon as it rains, the first couple hours is dangerous as fuck.

01:14:49.000 Because that shit is just like ice.

01:14:51.000 It's terrible.

01:14:52.000 And people panic.

01:14:53.000 People really, truly panic.

01:14:54.000 There's so many fucking people here.

01:14:56.000 That was the number one reason why I wanted to get out of California and move to Colorado.

01:15:00.000 And the reason why I moved to such a remote place in the mountains.

01:15:03.000 because I think that it's not healthy to be around this many people.

01:15:06.000 people you know i've seen these studies that they did with rat population density studies where they increase the amount of rats in an area and they get fucking crazy and start biting each other like the reason why people don't like each other as much is like what we talked about before we're supposed to be in groups small groups where you know everybody yeah you know and we're only wired for like 150.

01:15:25.000 You get a place like LA where you're dealing with 20 million people plus Mexicans.

01:15:30.000 Nobody knows how many people there really are.

01:15:32.000 They send me the census and I'm like, get the fuck out of here with the census.

01:15:36.000 This is a joke.

01:15:37.000 You know how many Mexicans I know that are illegal? 1.00

01:15:40.000 I know a ton of them.

01:15:41.000 Oh, yeah.

01:15:41.000 I know a bunch of dudes.

01:15:42.000 I know dudes that I work out with.

01:15:44.000 I know dudes at certain stores that I go to.

01:15:48.000 I know dudes that run businesses. 1.00

01:15:50.000 They run their own cash businesses.

01:15:52.000 They're all Mexicans. 1.00

01:15:53.000 I know a bunch of cooks, guys that work at this Mexican restaurant that I go to that's fucking awesome.

01:15:57.000 They're all illegals, man. 1.00

01:15:58.000 And they're never going to answer that census correctly.

01:16:00.000 We're never going to have the right number on that thing.

01:16:02.000 Just shut up. 1.00

01:16:03.000 You don't know.

01:16:04.000 There's no way to tell.

01:16:05.000 There's no way to tell.

01:16:06.000 Well, the only way that's going to tell.

01:16:09.000 By the time they can tell, we're going to be so far fucked with our loss of privacy, which is coming.

01:16:15.000 That's going to be the next stage.

01:16:17.000 There's going to be some sort of a drastic decrease in the amount of privacy that we have to the point where either it's going to be because technology brings this on, because it's just the technology that is created is so immense and powerful that you really do have an instant access to where everyone is.

01:16:35.000 Sort of like Google for your life.

01:16:37.000 With Google now, you have an instant access to any sort of question you have on anything.

01:16:37.000 Yeah.

01:16:44.000 You can immediately find out at least an idea of what the argument is, pro and con, and then start researching into it instantly.

01:16:52.000 Well, eventually, we're going to have something along those lines where you're going to be able to know how many people are here, who the people are.

01:16:59.000 Like, you're going to be able to Google, not even Google, but like someone who's not even on Google.

01:17:05.000 Like my next door neighbor, the carpenter, whatever the fuck he is, you know, I don't know anything about that guy.

01:17:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:17:10.000 And there's nothing about him in the news.

01:17:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:17:12.000 He's not a criminal or anything like that.

01:17:12.000 He's not a bad guy.

01:17:14.000 Sure.

01:17:15.000 You're going to be able to know everything about him.

01:17:16.000 Sure.

01:17:17.000 You're going to be able to know his birth date.

01:17:18.000 You're going to be able to know what his childhood was like.

01:17:20.000 You might be able to, you know, who knows, man.

01:17:22.000 And you're going to know that people will know everything about you.

01:17:25.000 Which is the really vulnerable feeling.

01:17:25.000 Yeah.

01:17:27.000 Like, you're going to be, you realize that like, even now, things you do get tracked, you know?

01:17:32.000 Yeah.

01:17:32.000 Like, your credit card purchases.

01:17:34.000 Your surfing can be done.

01:17:34.000 Sure.

01:17:35.000 Well, how about when you ever use like Yahoo email or something like that, and you have like certain keywords in your email, and then it'll show you like ads on the right-hand side that have to do with like the email that somebody sent you?

01:17:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:17:48.000 You're like, what the fuck?

01:17:50.000 And how much more is that going to, how much better or more like invasive is that going to be?

01:17:56.000 much more yeah you know what i mean like we talked about last week we talked about uh smart dust It's a new technology that they've created, these little tiny things that are literally like the size of a grain of sand, and they will have the ability to transmit and receive data, and they will have their own power supply.

01:18:10.000 Yeah, and HP is working on a whole project right now.

01:18:10.000 What?

01:18:13.000 Just Google if you want to read.

01:18:15.000 We're not going to talk about it again, but if you're interested in the idea and what it's all about, just Google Smart Dust.

01:18:21.000 It's fascinating.

01:18:22.000 And HP is involved in it.

01:18:23.000 And this is, they're going to put trillions of sensors all over the world.

01:18:27.000 Trillions of these things.

01:18:29.000 So literally, they'll be able to tell you where cars are parked, you know, that this house is on fire.

01:18:33.000 There'll be a grid where people will have access to information far beyond the reach that we have now.

01:18:40.000 I already feel like it's pretty like, I don't know, it's like upsetting that, I mean, I think it's necessary in a way, but it's kind of like it makes me uncomfortable that so many places have cameras, you know?

01:18:53.000 Yeah, but look at how that helped.

01:18:55.000 No, that's what I'm saying.

01:18:56.000 I know that it's a necessary thing, but it's like...

01:19:01.000 Look at how that worked in New York with that guy that tried to blow up that car Times Square.

01:19:05.000 The cameras busted him.

01:19:06.000 Absolutely.

01:19:07.000 But at the same time, you go, man, like, our camera's watching me everywhere I go.

01:19:10.000 Right.

01:19:11.000 Well, that's like, and then there's the tinfoil hat.

01:19:13.000 Put that shit on.

01:19:14.000 You say, well, hey, man, that car didn't even blow up, man.

01:19:17.000 What they did was, that's all black ops, dude. 0.87

01:19:20.000 That's all fucking CoIntel Pro.

01:19:22.000 What they do is, you know, Alex Jones style.

01:19:24.000 Well, they do, basically, the guy that is in that van is working for the federal government, ladies and gentlemen.

01:19:29.000 We have the papers.

01:19:30.000 We have the documents.

01:19:31.000 He works for the government.

01:19:32.000 He sets up a faulty bomb.

01:19:34.000 It doesn't work.

01:19:36.000 It's not scientific.

01:19:38.000 It lights on fire.

01:19:39.000 They arrest him.

01:19:40.000 They get him.

01:19:41.000 They tell you they got him because of covert video cameras.

01:19:45.000 And they need to protect you.

01:19:47.000 So to protect us, they're going to put video cameras everywhere.

01:19:49.000 Ladies and gentlemen, it's a scam.

01:19:51.000 It's a lie.

01:19:53.000 It's the new world order.

01:19:55.000 Did he really say all that about this?

01:19:57.000 I just made up.

01:19:58.000 That's what he would say.

01:19:59.000 Yeah.

01:19:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:19:59.000 That was really good.

01:20:00.000 So I could see his point of view, too.

01:20:02.000 Yeah.

01:20:03.000 That he would say, you know, oh, it's bullshit.

01:20:05.000 And you think that's nonsense.

01:20:08.000 But that's how the government thinks.

01:20:09.000 I'm not saying that they did that with this.

01:20:11.000 I'm saying they would do that, though.

01:20:12.000 I think with this guy, it's pretty documented this guy's a retard and, you know, he was all upset at the world. 1.00

01:20:18.000 Went to Pakistan and met with the Taliban.

01:20:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:20:20.000 The whole deal.

01:20:21.000 This guy's legitimately retarded and he's not some sort of a plant, but it's very possible. 0.99

01:20:27.000 There's a lot of people that believe that Oklahoma City, that the reason why Oklahoma City was blown up or was allowed to be blown up was so that they could pass new stricter anti-terrorism laws.

01:20:38.000 Yeah, but here's my only problem with point of views like that, right?

01:20:42.000 And I mean like with all of them, when it's like a really something that big, is the magnitude of the conspiracy.

01:20:51.000 If it were to be true, it's too big.

01:20:55.000 You would have to have too many people keeping secrets.

01:20:57.000 People are naturally reluctant to keep secrets.

01:21:01.000 For the most part, when you have people have like a compulsion to want to share, especially when it's something that they're not supposed to share.

01:21:09.000 That is true.

01:21:09.000 So it's like, if we're talking about something that big, you have to have literally, there would have to be hundreds of people almost.

01:21:17.000 You mean Oklahoma City?

01:21:18.000 Yeah, Oklahoma City.

01:21:20.000 Well, do you know, but just to play devil's advocate, do you know that the FBI removed several undetonated bombs outside of the building?

01:21:26.000 They pulled them out of the building after it happened.

01:21:29.000 And this is reported on the news in Oklahoma, and that the bomb itself that they made out of fertilizer, that literally, like if you look at the evidence, like how the building was blown up, there's no way a fertilizer bomb did that kind of damage.

01:21:42.000 Not only that, the building blew outward.

01:21:44.000 It didn't blow from the center down.

01:21:47.000 There wasn't like a big crater underneath the truck.

01:21:49.000 And the idea is that there were bombs inside the building.

01:21:53.000 And that this guy who blew up this bomb, you know, this truck bomb, yeah, he blew up a truck bomb, but that's not responsible for all that damage.

01:22:00.000 The idea is that the damage was done by a bunch of bombs that were inside the building and all of them didn't go off.

01:22:05.000 And that's the reason why the FBI pulled them out of the building, pulled unexploded ones out of the building.

01:22:11.000 And that doesn't necessarily mean the government was involved.

01:22:14.000 What it could have mean was that he was working with other people and not only did he have this fertilizer bomb, but he had these other bombs in the building and maybe his fertilizer bomb was supposed to detonate those other bombs and blow up the whole thing.

01:22:24.000 There's a bunch of different possibilities of it.

01:22:26.000 But it's very rarely talked about.

01:22:28.000 And the footage of all these different people that were involved, all these different fucking Muslim guys that were supposed to be there that had worked for Saddam Hussein in Iraq and all these different various organizations.

01:22:42.000 It's a tricky little story.

01:22:44.000 We start looking into it.

01:22:45.000 You say, well, that still doesn't mean that there's some sort of a conspiracy.

01:22:48.000 Absolutely.

01:22:49.000 It doesn't.

01:22:49.000 But they've done shit in the past.

01:22:52.000 And when you look at the stuff that the government has done that would require hundreds of people to keep their mouths shut, like, do you know about the Gulf of Tonkin?

01:22:58.000 Do you know about that?

01:23:00.000 Is that the Vietnam? 0.96

01:23:02.000 It's a fake attack that has been proven now.

01:23:06.000 And this is something that they did to get us into the Vietnam War.

01:23:09.000 So they did that.

01:23:10.000 And they got away with it.

01:23:11.000 I mean, we went through the Vietnam War.

01:23:13.000 Operation Northwoods is another one.

01:23:15.000 And we've talked about this on the podcast before.

01:23:17.000 But for those people who haven't heard this, Google Operation Northwoods.

01:23:20.000 What Operation Northwoods is, was a plan that was drafted by the Joint Chiefs of Staff in 1962 and vetoed by Kennedy.

01:23:28.000 It was signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

01:23:30.000 And the plan was to attack American civilians and blame it on the Cubans. 0.75

01:23:34.000 So we would go to war with Cuba. 0.59

01:23:35.000 That's pretty good.

01:23:36.000 They were going to blow up a jet.

01:23:37.000 That was part of the idea.

01:23:38.000 They were going to blow up a jet and pull the people out of the jet and fly the jet and move the people to another plane.

01:23:44.000 But then they were going to blow the jet up and, you know, say all these people died.

01:23:47.000 Really?

01:23:47.000 Yeah, this was in 1962.

01:23:49.000 This is a plot by the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

01:23:51.000 Not only did they say that, they were going to bomb Guantanamo Bay.

01:23:54.000 They were to lob mortars on Guantanamo Bay and assume civilian or military casualties.

01:24:00.000 So they were going to kill American military to blame it on the Cubans so that people would get all fired up.

01:24:05.000 So it's not like they haven't done shit like that before.

01:24:08.000 Yeah, no.

01:24:09.000 When you start talking about conspiracies, the real problem is when you get into them and you start researching them, you go, fuck, look at all the shit they have done.

01:24:17.000 Yeah, no, you're right.

01:24:18.000 And I don't say that I don't believe that the government or anybody for that matter doesn't have the capacity to be that morally corrupt or evil.

01:24:31.000 Just my natural inclination is to be like, when these things start to get really massive, is to go like, how in this day and age especially can that secret be kept?

01:24:43.000 That's true.

01:24:44.000 Well, one way that it's kept, if you put your tinfoil hat on tight one way it's kept is by putting out information that's correct and mixing it with a bunch of stuff that's ridiculous.

01:24:55.000 Right, right.

01:24:56.000 You know, and that's that's how they process disinformation.

01:24:59.000 What they do is they attach all these legitimate ideas to something that's so outrageous that it makes the legitimate ideas seem ridiculous because they're connected to them.

01:25:10.000 Right.

01:25:11.000 By relationship.

01:25:12.000 Okay.

01:25:12.000 You know, and that's that's a strategy that is well documented.

01:25:16.000 You know, it's, you know, if you look at the in the 1950s, the CIA wrote papers about this kind of stuff.

01:25:21.000 You know, COINTELPRO and the idea that you have to, you know, put out dumb stories that attach themselves to the real stories, so it makes it ridiculous.

01:25:31.000 I mean, people have actually had jobs where they're disinformation agents, and they're hired to go on blogs and websites.

01:25:39.000 This is going on right now.

01:25:41.000 This is like real shit.

01:25:42.000 They're hired to argue certain points.

01:25:44.000 They're hired to stand up for government ideas and offer very well thought out arguments.

01:25:51.000 And they do it under these anonymous assumed names.

01:25:53.000 And sometimes it's several people.

01:25:54.000 These are real government jobs that actually exist.

01:25:57.000 And it's been proven.

01:25:58.000 It's been talked about.

01:25:59.000 We find the shit that the government has done.

01:26:02.000 And it makes you go, fuck, what have they done that I don't know about?

01:26:06.000 It's got to be pretty elaborate and pretty crazy.

01:26:08.000 But see, that's where the argument of 100 people would have to be in on the secret.

01:26:13.000 That's where it doesn't work.

01:26:14.000 The reason why it doesn't work is because they have been.

01:26:17.000 There's been a lot of secrets that were processed that we didn't find out about.

01:26:23.000 Operation Midnight Climax is another one we've talked on the show about before.

01:26:26.000 And it's the 1950s.

01:26:28.000 The government ran, the CIA ran brothels in New York and in San Francisco.

01:26:33.000 And they dosed people with LSD.

01:26:36.000 They had Johns would come in and they would try to get Lei, these poor fucks, and they would blast them with acid while they're in there trying to get their freak on. 1.00

01:26:43.000 That's so crazy.

01:26:44.000 That's so fucking.

01:26:45.000 They did it because they wanted to test the effects of LSD and they couldn't find willing patients anymore.

01:26:50.000 You know, a few people did it.

01:26:51.000 And, you know, they fucking dose people, man.

01:26:53.000 They're not giving you like a little bit.

01:26:55.000 They're giving you like mad doses to see what happened.

01:26:57.000 When they did the original, what's the famous one where they were going to see if it could be like a truth serum where the CIA had?

01:27:04.000 They killed people?

01:27:05.000 They accidentally killed one of their own agents.

01:27:08.000 Yeah.

01:27:08.000 They gave him too much and he fucking like they because they didn't know what kind of dosages.

01:27:12.000 They were just like, have another little, you know, tablet and closer.

01:27:16.000 He fucking, he lost his, he died.

01:27:18.000 Well, it makes sense that that would be possible because if you think about like experiments, you know, they didn't know like what I mean, it's not like we had like a whole database on LSD experience that we could pull from.

01:27:32.000 Like, hey, don't do more than this amount or you'll fucking blow yourself.

01:27:35.000 Because your own chemistry is also different from the next person.

01:27:38.000 Yeah, like alcohol.

01:27:38.000 Yeah.

01:27:39.000 Like some dudes can't drink at all.

01:27:41.000 Other dudes can just drink and somehow or another they don't even get drunk.

01:27:43.000 It's weird.

01:27:44.000 Like an old, like some guys just pound it too all day.

01:27:46.000 And some dudes do that with acid. 1.00

01:27:48.000 There's some dudes that gobble that shit up and take like fucking five, six tabs and they're fine.

01:27:52.000 Yeah.

01:27:52.000 And they seem to like be better.

01:27:54.000 And then other dudes, they get a high dose and they're never the same again.

01:27:58.000 I know a guy like that.

01:27:59.000 Yeah.

01:27:59.000 Yeah?

01:28:00.000 I know a guy like that.

01:28:01.000 What's his name?

01:28:01.000 Who is it?

01:28:02.000 I can't say his name.

01:28:03.000 What happened?

01:28:04.000 What happened to him?

01:28:05.000 He took a dose.

01:28:06.000 This is like, you know, like 15, no, 13 years ago about.

01:28:13.000 Whoa, and that was it, huh?

01:28:14.000 That was it, dude.

01:28:15.000 What happened?

01:28:16.000 He, you know, he was chilling.

01:28:18.000 He was in college and just partying, just like doing regular, like, you know, drinking.

01:28:23.000 What was the effect?

01:28:26.000 I think he took it like, let's say, like, on a Friday.

01:28:28.000 Yeah.

01:28:28.000 And everything, you know, it seemingly wore off like the way any, like, you know, when you do drugs would.

01:28:36.000 And then he went, like, the next week, went into like the, like the school and walked through like the cafeteria, went into the kitchen and started like, like, asking the, asking the chef to, like, if he could swim in the water supply.

01:28:54.000 Like, like, from the sink.

01:28:56.000 Like, he was like, can I go into the pipes?

01:28:59.000 Whoa.

01:28:59.000 And they were just like, huh?

01:29:00.000 Like, what are you doing back here?

01:29:03.000 Can I go into the pipes and swim to the water supply?

01:29:06.000 Yeah, and they were like, whoa.

01:29:07.000 So then it was like, we need to check this kid out.

01:29:10.000 They should have let him try.

01:29:12.000 Maybe he could.

01:29:12.000 To this day, though, he's, you know, like, he's this.

01:29:16.000 He's like, he's, he's off.

01:29:18.000 Like, he's able to work and like do things, but he's not the same guy that he was.

01:29:23.000 Something happened.

01:29:25.000 Some shit was disconnected.

01:29:26.000 What was he like before and what is he like now?

01:29:29.000 Before he was like, like, I would say thoughtful, you know, pretty articulate, reserved.

01:29:38.000 And now he's like quirky and like a little more like, like he's like artsy, like a kind of an artsy guy.

01:29:44.000 Right.

01:29:46.000 But like peculiar.

01:29:47.000 Like says things that like don't make sense, you know.

01:29:50.000 So you think he's like a percentage insane?

01:29:53.000 Yeah.

01:29:53.000 Like what?

01:29:54.000 I would say now and more inclined.

01:29:54.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:29:56.000 Like you're like, I could see something else happening where you would go and, you know what I mean?

01:30:01.000 Like you're walking.

01:30:02.000 Something went wrong.

01:30:03.000 You're on the edge right now, dude.

01:30:05.000 Like you're about, you know, I could see you falling in the tank pretty soon.

01:30:09.000 The crazy tank.

01:30:09.000 The crazy tank is like this.

01:30:11.000 But before that, there was no evidence of that at all.

01:30:13.000 Zero.

01:30:14.000 It was totally normal.

01:30:14.000 Zero.

01:30:16.000 As far as I knew, and I knew him, like, I wasn't good, good friends, but I knew him fairly well.

01:30:22.000 Radical change.

01:30:23.000 Radical change.

01:30:24.000 I believe it, dude.

01:30:25.000 I believe it just because of, I had an experience one of the last times I did DMT, the last time I did DMT, where it was a few years ago, where for like two weeks after I did it, this is the way I always describe it.

01:30:39.000 It's very difficult to describe, but I say that reality got very slippery.

01:30:43.000 It's like reality just didn't seem, didn't seem like I could bang on it anymore.

01:30:50.000 Yeah, it seemed like the DMT experience is so powerful and so incredibly beautiful and overwhelming and shocking that when you're doing it it seems more real than reality itself it seems like you're taking a look into a better more pure efficient next stage reality it's like you you feel like you're taking this look into what's next you know it's like an afterlife type of experience I mean that's really what it feels

01:31:20.000 and then I would come back, or I did come back from it, and then for a couple of weeks, this life just didn't seem like it was going to hold up.

01:31:30.000 It felt like all this shit that I'm seeing, everything around me, it's like I'm assuming that this is real.

01:31:37.000 I'm assuming that this is hard, and this is reality, and this is life, but after doing the DMT experience, that seems so much more real than reality.

01:31:45.000 So what the fuck is this?

01:31:46.000 Really?

01:31:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:31:49.000 I started getting these weird ideas about the structure of life, and the pattern of human existence, and everything that's going on on the planet at the same time, that it was really much less tangible, much less real than I thought it was, and that perhaps the sleeping time when your brain is producing DMT, like when you're in heavy REM sleep, that that might be just a much more intense version of life that we only get in small doses, and that might be real life, and this might be the crazy dream.

01:32:18.000 It sounds bananas.

01:32:20.000 Oop, I almost said it.

01:32:21.000 It sounds fucking crazy.

01:32:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:32:23.000 And rightly so.

01:32:24.000 But what are the alternatives?

01:32:26.000 I mean, the alternative is, anytime you start talking about what life could be, or what drugs could be, or what hallucinations really mean, you open yourself up to ridicule.

01:32:35.000 Rightly so.

01:32:36.000 Because most of the time when you talk about those subjects, this sounds ridiculous.

01:32:38.000 But what is the alternative?

01:32:40.000 Well, the alternative is that we're just this biological, fleshy thing that lives for 65 years, and then you fucking die, and you move on, and you breed while you're here, and eventually there'll be too many of us, and we'll blow the world up, because there's too many of us.

01:32:51.000 Right.

01:32:52.000 That's the alternative.

01:32:53.000 You know, and that this, nothing means anything, and, you know, there is no purpose for any of this.

01:32:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:32:57.000 Unlike everything else in nature, I mean, everything else in nature is building something, supplying to something.

01:33:03.000 You know, a part of an ecosystem has a very vital, vital part in the whole process, the natural process of life.

01:33:11.000 Everything that we see, from volcanoes, and fires, and predators, and prey, all seems to fit into this entire system, except for human beings.

01:33:20.000 You know, except for how we view our life.

01:33:22.000 But I think we're just a really advanced form of all that shit, and that what we're doing here, in this life, is setting us up, somehow or another, for the next stage of existence.

01:33:34.000 That's why every single culture has had this idea of heaven.

01:33:36.000 Every single culture has had this idea of a better place, that you're going to go to, you know, somewhere, where it's going to be more pure, or, you know, it'll be all love, or it'll be, there's all these different, various versions of it.

01:33:48.000 I think it's because there's a part of us, instinctively, that understands that this is a stage, and that like everything else in the universe, from the Big Bang, to the formation of stars, to the formation of planets, to life forming on planets, to life evolving, and getting more advanced, that it all keeps moving on towards some new, better, more improved, you know, more advanced thing, and that that's what's going to happen to us too.

01:34:11.000 Do you, wait, but does your, did your, did that last DMT experience though, like that was the last time you did it?

01:34:17.000 That was the last time I did it.

01:34:18.000 But did it, did your experience afterwards, also kind of make you go, well maybe I should do DMT more, or no?

01:34:24.000 No, no, I think, you know, the thing, the reason why I haven't done it since then, is because I still, I still think I'm still trying to exactly process, like honestly process, what happened, like I could do it now again, I might be willing to do it now again, if I had some, but I think it's just as important to try to honestly process what happened in the last

01:34:45.000 experience, to try to learn as much from it as you can, you know, the, one of the things that you do experience when you, when you have any like really extreme psychedelic experience, you, you experience this complete dissolving of your ego, everything like you've built yourself up to

01:35:01.000 be, everything, your, your language, the way you talk, you know, your social structure, how you fit in with your friends, and your family, and your dog, and all that stuff, your self-definition, all dissolves, everything dissolves, and your definition of the world, of earth, of human

01:35:16.000 beings, all that dissolves too, and you start to look at things in this, almost like this alien perspective, it's like, I always say that like when you're taking mushrooms, it feels like, and even DMT, it feels like you're looking at the universe, through the eyes of an alien, of like a super advanced, organic life form, that's far, far, far, evolved from where we are, at this point in time, and you get to see the whole thing, objectively, and clearly, without the context, of any of the things, you already understand, and know about it, like language, and

01:35:46.000 accents, and you know, jobs, and all that bullshit, you start, you see it all, like in some weird sort of a way, but when you do that, the problem is, it fucking, especially if you have like, a crazy dose, you know, crazy DMT sort of trip, the real problem is, re-assimilating

01:36:01.000 back, into the regular world, the real problem is, like being around, like regular people, and mundane shit, and try to take it all seriously, and try to focus on all the stuff, that you do, you know, you know, you do like, have to do, as part of, it's like, I would say, psychedelic experiences are

01:36:17.000 useless, if you can't bring something back, if you don't learn something, that you can apply to this world, because this is the world, where you're spending most of your time, you know, yeah, that's true, yeah, I mean, you're, most of your time, is spent in the waking world, you know, so if you're having these, psychedelic

01:36:33.000 trips, and that's what you really enjoy out of life, it's like it's all, you're all enjoying, you know, these experiences, and you're not, you're not enjoying the regular world, at all, you know, then you're not bringing anything back with you, you can, you can go, and have these experiences, and bring something back with

01:36:48.000 you, and change the world, around you, and make it better, like that is possible, or, you could take too much, and go fucking bonkers, and try to, try to swim in the pipes, try to jump in the pipes, and get to the water supply, I've never fucked with acid, you know, I don't, I don't think

01:37:03.000 that, I'm not into doing anything, that people create, you know, I did, MDMA once, I did ecstasy once, and I got really fucked up, and the next day, my brain was just useless, and I think I learned from that experience, I enjoyed the experience of being on

01:37:18.000 ecstasy, but the come down, was just way too brutal, I was like, this is not good for you, I think shit, like chemicals, that man made stuff, that doesn't exist in nature, that, or you know, LSD sort of does, and like, yeah, Hawaiian baby woodrow seeds, and some, some other things, you can actually, extract the, GHB, no, I heard that's, fucking, I heard that shit is, really dangerous, I, I OD'd, I was in a coma, really, yeah, yeah, yeah, what happened, I took, what the fuck happened, so, so dumb when I did, I

01:37:48.000 took, I took ecstasy, then I was having some drinks.

01:37:53.000 Like, I probably had like four or five drinks, which is, you know, like liquor drinks, right?

01:37:57.000 I was like, I don't feel this ecstasy at all.

01:38:00.000 And this guy kind of I'm a freshman in college.

01:38:05.000 18, 19.

01:38:07.000 So then he's like, he's got a gallon of GHB in the back.

01:38:11.000 Now, you're supposed to take, like, if you take a water cap.

01:38:16.000 That's what we did.

01:38:17.000 We would take it like this, you'd pour it into that.

01:38:20.000 And just, that's it.

01:38:21.000 And then that's it.

01:38:22.000 Yeah.

01:38:22.000 Well, he has a milk jug.

01:38:24.000 So he gives it to me, and I'm like, he's like, here, just take a swig.

01:38:27.000 Well, and when I look back on it, I realize what I did too.

01:38:31.000 It was just like out of like not wanting to be rude, basically.

01:38:33.000 Like politeness almost killed me.

01:38:36.000 Is that I opened it and I can't, you couldn't, it's too heavy to like, you know, a milk jug just is like a thin little cap.

01:38:42.000 Right?

01:38:42.000 Right.

01:38:43.000 You can't fill it.

01:38:44.000 So you're trying to like, well, how much.

01:38:45.000 So I realized I went like this and I realized there's too much in my mouth.

01:38:49.000 There's there's six capfuls in my mouth.

01:38:52.000 Oh no.

01:38:52.000 So I'm not going to spit it in what he's going to sell.

01:38:55.000 If I spit it out, it's like I'm spitting $50 on the ground.

01:38:58.000 So I just swallow it.

01:38:59.000 Oh my God.

01:39:01.000 And then I give it back to him.

01:39:02.000 What kind of an asshole has a fucking milk jug of GHB around his house?

01:39:07.000 Yeah, man.

01:39:08.000 And then I fucking continue drinking.

01:39:10.000 And that's one thing about GHB is you're not supposed to have any alcohol with it.

01:39:14.000 Like, not even a drink.

01:39:16.000 So you black out, you go into a coma.

01:39:18.000 Yeah.

01:39:20.000 What do you remember?

01:39:21.000 I fucking, I remember all the way up until like moments before blacking out.

01:39:25.000 Like I was hanging out.

01:39:27.000 I was, I realized that I was like fucking high as shit.

01:39:30.000 Like like Permigran. 1.00

01:39:32.000 Like and just like we should hang out, man.

01:39:35.000 Like buying drinks for like just being a fucking asshole.

01:39:39.000 And then I remember I sat down and then I blacked out and my sister was at this bar.

01:39:45.000 We were all at a bar.

01:39:46.000 My sister was like, he like, everyone was like, just let him sleep it off.

01:39:51.000 And she's the one that fucking called the ambulance. 1.00

01:39:55.000 Like they had to, you know, and then I woke up with like tubes and all kinds of shit.

01:39:59.000 Yeah, it sucked.

01:40:00.000 It was really sucked.

01:40:01.000 Don't overdose on GHB.

01:40:02.000 It's not fun.

01:40:03.000 Yeah.

01:40:03.000 Be rude.

01:40:04.000 Be rude.

01:40:05.000 Spit that shit out.

01:40:06.000 Spit it on the ground.

01:40:08.000 Man, yeah, I've never fucked with that stuff.

01:40:10.000 I've never fucked with cocaine, heroin.

01:40:13.000 Here's the thing, too, about GHB, is that in its real natural form, like in what it really is, it's like, you know, it could be regulated.

01:40:22.000 It's used like as an anesthetic in parts of Europe.

01:40:25.000 But when you buy it from like street-level people, it's obviously, it's fucked with.

01:40:31.000 Right.

01:40:31.000 People will spike it with anything.

01:40:33.000 Well, even if they didn't spike it, you drank so much of it, right?

01:40:36.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, I would have been fucked.

01:40:37.000 But still.

01:40:38.000 They used to sell that shit at GNC.

01:40:40.000 Yeah, right?

01:40:41.000 It used to be for bodybuilders.

01:40:42.000 For bodybuilding.

01:40:43.000 And that was kind of the thing, like when you when we started, like, I used to sample it and stuff.

01:40:49.000 You would use, it was under the guise of, like, well, I'm lifting weights.

01:40:54.000 You know?

01:40:55.000 Like, I gotta fucking get something.

01:40:56.000 I get fucked up.

01:40:57.000 I'm lifting weights.

01:40:58.000 Lifting weights.

01:40:59.000 Oh, that's hilarious, man.

01:41:01.000 I wanted to talk about a couple things that I saw on the news today just because there's some ridiculous shit.

01:41:06.000 Speaking of lifting weights, in the University of North Carolina, they're doing a study.

01:41:11.000 Somebody put this on the Rogan board, my message board.

01:41:14.000 Ach put it up there. 0.99

01:41:15.000 They're doing this study on shooting ultrasound into people's balls. 0.72

01:41:24.000 What?

01:41:25.000 To act as a birth control, a reversible birth control for men.

01:41:32.000 They're able to shoot a burst of ultrasound into your ball sack and blast all your spermies so that you're just shooting blanks for like six months. 0.99

01:41:44.000 You don't want to make babies. 1.00

01:41:46.000 But that sounds horrifying, man.

01:41:47.000 It sounds ridiculous.

01:41:49.000 That you would trust them, like, you're going to kill my loads, but they'll come back in six months.

01:41:53.000 And then what happens after those six months?

01:41:55.000 I make fucking radioactive babies.

01:41:57.000 You know, what kind of shit is that?

01:41:57.000 Yeah, it's going to be.

01:41:59.000 What are those babies going to look like? 0.98

01:42:00.000 Could you imagine if, like, at five and a half months, when your shit's supposed to be, like, not come back yet, you shoot around some chick and you make some fucking nuclear baby. 0.61

01:42:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:42:12.000 It's going to be like the six-armed baby things that are going to be.

01:42:14.000 Oh, that's going to be Shiva.

01:42:16.000 That literally will come out on fucking fire with a crazy headdress and shit. 1.00

01:42:20.000 And then doctors will be like, huh.

01:42:22.000 You didn't know that.

01:42:23.000 I mean, come on.

01:42:23.000 Think about all the autistic kids that are being created today and all the thoughts of like where this is coming from, whether it's environmental or chemicals or just all sorts of theories.

01:42:33.000 Vaccinations, people being older and having the kids because they're older and their DNA is damaged. 0.67

01:42:38.000 How about the babies that we're going to have when they are shooting ultrasound into your fucking sack? 1.00

01:42:42.000 When you have like radio waves.

01:42:44.000 Yeah.

01:42:45.000 No, you shouldn't.

01:42:47.000 I would still just pull out before out loud.

01:42:51.000 Well, you know, that's how my first daughter was born.

01:42:54.000 Pull-out method.

01:42:56.000 Yeah, I did a bit about it on my last special.

01:42:58.000 Totally true.

01:42:59.000 Pulling out don't work, man.

01:43:00.000 Pre-ejaculate is like, there's little swimmers in there.

01:43:03.000 Oh, that's right.

01:43:04.000 I do remember that.

01:43:05.000 There's boys in there.

01:43:06.000 They'll get the job done.

01:43:07.000 The green beret loads.

01:43:08.000 Yeah, yeah, that's right.

01:43:09.000 The green beret loads.

01:43:10.000 That's real.

01:43:11.000 They don't stop it anymore.

01:43:12.000 You can make a baby for sure without coming inside a chick. 1.00

01:43:15.000 It's actually cool.

01:43:16.000 Doesn't it kind of makes you go, I can't believe it didn't happen so many times before.

01:43:20.000 Yeah, definitely.

01:43:21.000 Well, I don't think it's that common.

01:43:22.000 I think it's probably pretty hard to do, but it's still possible to do.

01:43:26.000 It really is good.

01:43:27.000 Green berets.

01:43:28.000 They're really like that.

01:43:29.000 And how many times are you like squeezing it?

01:43:30.000 Well, you're hoping none's coming out, but a few guys might have popped out.

01:43:35.000 That's not even pre-com.

01:43:36.000 That's like a tiny comment.

01:43:37.000 Oh, yeah, like a flex when he goes like, oh, you're just a little bit snucky.

01:43:41.000 Yeah, you feel a little, just a twitch and you're trying to hold it in there.

01:43:45.000 Yeah.

01:43:46.000 Yeah.

01:43:46.000 Well, they're trying to come up with all sorts of different ways.

01:43:49.000 And, you know, with women, it's all hormonal. 1.00

01:43:51.000 They can either shoot you up with something that makes your body think it's pregnant or they give you a pill that makes your body think it's pregnant. 1.00

01:43:57.000 Or they put a catcher's mitt in there, like put an IUD and they insert that shit and you snatch and it gets all infected and your loads are trying to shot at it like barnacles on a fucking dock.

01:44:08.000 Yeah, the thought of that one, that makes me uncomfortable.

01:44:11.000 Imagine if they pull it out and there's all this stalagmites from your old loads that have been trying to get into this IUD and they just hang out there.

01:44:19.000 It's all crusty with your old loads.

01:44:21.000 And maybe your old loads die inside her box and that's why it starts to stink.

01:44:25.000 Could you imagine like you didn't want to get it pregnant? 1.00

01:44:26.000 Like maybe you should take that out, honey.

01:44:27.000 But I don't want to get pregnant. 0.99

01:44:29.000 Well, you don't know how to get an extra douche up there to kill your loads and squirt them out because your body's not absorbing them. 1.00

01:44:36.000 So she's just walking around.

01:44:38.000 I'm imagining it now.

01:44:40.000 Speaking of like gross, have you heard about that movie?

01:44:44.000 The one that's supposed to be like a guy.

01:44:44.000 Which one?

01:44:48.000 It's like the human centipede, I think it's called.

01:44:50.000 I've heard about it online, but I didn't look at it.

01:44:53.000 I haven't seen it.

01:44:54.000 Everybody's been talking about the human centipede, and I got a bunch of Twitter things like, oh, check this out, the human centipede.

01:45:00.000 But it looked so ridiculous, I didn't even want to try it.

01:45:03.000 Really?

01:45:04.000 I didn't even want to look at it.

01:45:05.000 Did you see what just happened there?

01:45:06.000 Yeah.

01:45:07.000 How far away is this image from our voice?

01:45:10.000 Like, look how long it takes.

01:45:12.000 Yeah.

01:45:12.000 It's like, this is like a 10-second delay.

01:45:15.000 I think we're going to have to try something else other than Ustream.

01:45:18.000 I'm going to have to try some other service.

01:45:20.000 People say live stream is really good or but that's not really live right there.

01:45:24.000 This is what we're projecting.

01:45:25.000 This is what we're seeing.

01:45:26.000 Like look how long it takes.

01:45:27.000 Yeah.

01:45:28.000 Watch.

01:45:29.000 Two, three.

01:45:30.000 Bam.

01:45:31.000 Let's get a count on this.

01:45:32.000 All right.

01:45:33.000 Okay, ready?

01:45:34.000 I'm going to point to the camera, and then I'm going to count.

01:45:38.000 One, two, three, four.

01:45:41.000 It's about five seconds.

01:45:43.000 It's about a five or six second delay.

01:45:46.000 They're saying it's fine for them, but maybe it's just like a blackass gay connection. 1.00

01:45:54.000 I don't want to see the human centipede, man.

01:45:56.000 I hear...

01:46:00.000 I'm sure it's good.

01:46:01.000 Now we're on a couple seconds.

01:46:03.000 But wait, why the...

01:46:05.000 I've seen everything, man.

01:46:06.000 I've seen too much.

01:46:07.000 I'm distracting myself.

01:46:08.000 I've seen everything.

01:46:09.000 I've seen too much.

01:46:10.000 Somebody sent me some video of some Russian skinheads cutting this dude's head off.

01:46:14.000 Oh, no, I don't like that shit, man.

01:46:15.000 I started watching it for the first couple seconds and I stopped it.

01:46:18.000 I said, I do not need to see another dude getting his fucking head cut off.

01:46:21.000 It doesn't need to be in your fucking reserves, man.

01:46:23.000 Yeah, it's a waste.

01:46:24.000 I know it's out there.

01:46:26.000 I've already applied that data to my view of the world.

01:46:29.000 I don't have to see more and more evidence of it.

01:46:32.000 I know that there's some extreme examples of fucked up shit out there.

01:46:36.000 Especially going online.

01:46:38.000 Going online changes your whole fucking view of the world.

01:46:42.000 People who don't go online, can you imagine how dumb our parents were?

01:46:45.000 How much less they knew about the big picture?

01:46:48.000 Oh, yeah.

01:46:49.000 Or what's possible?

01:46:53.000 Well, that's why if you try to tell them, like a lot of times, it doesn't even have to be something too outrageous.

01:46:59.000 They don't want to hear that.

01:47:01.000 Lear Obama, what Obama said?

01:47:02.000 He was talking about fucking iPods.

01:47:06.000 And Xbox.

01:47:07.000 Yeah, and iPads and Xbox, none of which I know how to use.

01:47:13.000 You know, I hate all that.

01:47:14.000 First of all, I hate all that none of which I know how to use.

01:47:17.000 What he was saying is that these things provide information.

01:47:19.000 There's too much information and it's difficult to discern what's factual and what's not.

01:47:23.000 And that crazy ideas can gain traction and become problematic.

01:47:26.000 And he was saying that it actually makes it hard on democracy, which I thought was hilarious.

01:47:31.000 makes it hard to run the country and it's bad for the country somewhere and that line just appeals to like a certain generation when This is what he says.

01:47:40.000 He says, you know, iPads and Xboxes and PlayStations, none of which I know how to use.

01:47:45.000 My fucking two-year-old daughter knows how to use an iPod, dude. 1.00

01:47:49.000 She knows how to find the song she likes and click on it.

01:47:52.000 She knows how to go to the little apps and pick a little monkey game and play the monkey game. 0.98

01:47:56.000 Dude, you know how to use a fucking iPod.

01:47:58.000 You know, don't be stupid.

01:47:59.000 That's dumb.

01:48:00.000 And don't brag about being stupid.

01:48:02.000 Yeah, because that's essentially.

01:48:03.000 You're a goddamn Harvard graduate and you're the president of the fucking United States of America.

01:48:07.000 Don't give us all that awesh bullshit.

01:48:10.000 There's going to be a bunch of retards that always don't like you or think you're an elitist. 1.00

01:48:13.000 All right.

01:48:14.000 You got to accept that and just be yourself.

01:48:16.000 Don't fucking pretend you don't know how to work an iPod, man.

01:48:20.000 Just stop.

01:48:21.000 I know.

01:48:21.000 It's stupid.

01:48:22.000 That's gross.

01:48:23.000 I agree.

01:48:23.000 It's fucking dumb, man.

01:48:25.000 You know, like, the whole, it's like he's putting on an act.

01:48:28.000 It's like, he's like a comic that we were talking about earlier.

01:48:31.000 We're talking about comics that are disingenuous.

01:48:33.000 That's what he's doing.

01:48:34.000 That's a phony thing.

01:48:34.000 Yeah, so anyway, he's trying to say that somehow or another, all this access to information that people have now, the problem is that these crazy ideas can gain traction and that it becomes more of a distraction than it is a useless source of information.

01:48:52.000 But that's ridiculous.

01:48:53.000 It's like, who's the useful source of information?

01:48:56.000 How come there's so much shit that's in the news that we don't hear about?

01:48:59.000 How come we have to go online to find out what's happening in Liberia to get real information about the fucking oil spill in the Gulf?

01:49:07.000 You're not getting that shit from the network news.

01:49:09.000 You're not getting that shit from the newspapers.

01:49:11.000 You've got to really see the images and the videos online.

01:49:14.000 There's a video online right now.

01:49:15.000 This guy flew a plane over the Gulf oil spill and videotaped the whole thing and put it up and showed how massive it is and how they're not being honest about what a catastrophe it is.

01:49:25.000 It's fucking shocking.

01:49:26.000 It's on my Twitter.

01:49:27.000 You can go to my Twitter feed, go to Joe Rogan on Twitter and just my name.

01:49:31.000 It's not .NET anymore.

01:49:32.000 It's just my name.

01:49:33.000 So if you go to my Twitter feed, it's like one or two Twitters ago I put it.

01:49:33.000 I got that back.

01:49:37.000 Watch that video and freak the fuck out because it's horrifying looking at this gigantic fucking thing of oil in the middle of the ocean.

01:49:46.000 You're not hearing about that from the news.

01:49:49.000 They're recognizing that it's a big deal, but they're not showing you 10 minutes of footage so you can really get a good idea of it.

01:49:54.000 You've got to look online.

01:49:56.000 You've got, I mean, to find out like shit like Operation Northwoods or any of these other things I'm talking about.

01:50:02.000 This isn't getting discussed in the newspaper.

01:50:04.000 This isn't getting discussed in the news.

01:50:06.000 People are hiding this kind of information.

01:50:08.000 Big, gigantic corporations control network news.

01:50:11.000 They control the newspapers.

01:50:13.000 They control GE controls NBC and Fox News is owned by Rupert Murdoch and, you know, the ABC.

01:50:19.000 NBC's Disney.

01:50:20.000 Yeah, I mean, these are giant fucking corporations.

01:50:23.000 They don't give you all the news you need.

01:50:26.000 The idea that these bloggers and these people that are like, they're Not less informative, they're not like less reliable.

01:50:35.000 They're people that easily could be working for NBC or CBS or ABC2.

01:50:38.000 They're fucking journalists.

01:50:40.000 They're just a new version of journalists that does shit online.

01:50:43.000 And yeah, there's some people that are irreputable, but then their reputation is that they suck.

01:50:47.000 You know, when someone online, you know, when it's been proven by a bunch of different websites, this guy puts out bad information, then they become discredited.

01:50:55.000 I mean, it's like a natural process.

01:50:57.000 And for Obama to say that that's not the case and that there's something bad about all this new access to information, that just shows me two things.

01:51:05.000 One, he's full of shit.

01:51:06.000 And two, they're dealing with a lot of pressure.

01:51:08.000 They're getting jacked left and right about all sorts of things.

01:51:11.000 There's like a video out right now of him on the campaign trail talking about no-bid contracts for like Halliburton and shit like that.

01:51:18.000 He just fucking gave Halliburton some giant $500 million no-bid contract.

01:51:24.000 His whole fucking platform was that he was going to end no-bid contracts.

01:51:28.000 And he just goes and does it.

01:51:30.000 I mean, he's a fucking, he's, oh, no more lobbyists.

01:51:32.000 I mean, well, he hires a bunch of them.

01:51:34.000 I mean, the whole idea behind being a president is that you're supposed to be some sort of a leader.

01:51:42.000 And what you promise us is supposed to be something that you're going to, you're going to, when you get in office, you're going to change shit.

01:51:48.000 You're going to make it better.

01:51:49.000 But no one does.

01:51:51.000 Nobody does.

01:51:51.000 It's the craziest hustle ever.

01:51:53.000 But the thing that I think nobody ever admits is that neither side ever does.

01:51:57.000 Like ever.

01:51:57.000 Ever.

01:51:58.000 The Republicans.

01:51:58.000 Right.

01:52:00.000 They get criticized by the Democrats when they do certain things.

01:52:02.000 But once the Democrats get in office, there's not nearly as many people criticizing Obama for sending 30,000 troops over to Afghanistan after winning the Nobel Prize.

01:52:12.000 Not nearly as many as we're criticizing George Bush.

01:52:14.000 Of course.

01:52:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:52:15.000 Not nearly.

01:52:16.000 You know, they're all just spokespersons.

01:52:18.000 Because both sides are completely full of shit.

01:52:21.000 Do you think that they're full of shit, or do you think they say whatever the fuck they have to say to get the job?

01:52:26.000 And then once they get the job, they realize that they don't have a say.

01:52:31.000 They're not the ones who get to dictate policy.

01:52:33.000 Well, it's that, and it's also that the game itself of politics is so already dictated for you.

01:52:39.000 Like, we have this idea that, like, we can elect somebody, especially like Obama.

01:52:45.000 Like, it's going to change things.

01:52:47.000 It's going to actually, the system will change.

01:52:49.000 Like, he's going to be a certain way and no more spinning stuff.

01:52:53.000 But you realize that it's already laid out.

01:52:56.000 There's a spin thing in a field.

01:52:58.000 It's a job.

01:52:59.000 It's like being like, it really is like being a professional spokesperson.

01:53:04.000 It is.

01:53:05.000 And there's going to be distortions of truth and manipulations and lies no matter who gets it.

01:53:11.000 It's too big of a thing.

01:53:12.000 And there's too many people that you would have to try to please.

01:53:16.000 It'd be impossible.

01:53:18.000 So it's just, it's the way it is.

01:53:20.000 People are going to lie.

01:53:21.000 And no matter who is in the office.

01:53:23.000 It doesn't matter who is in.

01:53:24.000 The real problem is that corporate...

01:53:25.000 Have you ever seen movies on corporations?

01:53:27.000 Especially the documentary The Corporation, where they talk about a corporation as a sociopath.

01:53:34.000 They don't worry at all about their...

01:53:42.000 They don't worry about who their actions hurt and that being in a corporation is sort of like there's a diffusion of responsibility because there's so many other people that are doing the same thing.

01:53:52.000 And I wonder like when you get a guy like Obama, I wonder if they start out with the right intentions and they start out really thinking that they're going to make a change.

01:54:01.000 But once they get in office, once they get in there, maybe then it's like they realize like, you know, like you don't get the change shit.

01:54:09.000 You really best.

01:54:09.000 No, you don't.

01:54:10.000 But they change a few social things.

01:54:13.000 They change like the gay marriage thing. 1.00

01:54:15.000 Like they're getting rid of don't ask, don't tell, right?

01:54:17.000 So you're going to be able to say that you're gay.

01:54:20.000 And he's also like the medical marijuana thing.

01:54:23.000 They said that they're not going to go after, they're only going to go after, the DEA will only go after medical marijuana dispensaries that violate both state and federal law.

01:54:31.000 So the federal law is all marijuana is illegal.

01:54:33.000 The state law is very clearly defined what you're allowed to do medically.

01:54:37.000 And a lot of people don't operate within those parameters and they sell a bunch of shit to people that don't have licenses.

01:54:43.000 So the idea was they're going to go after those people.

01:54:46.000 So there's a few things that do change, right?

01:54:48.000 But that's what they hang their hat on.

01:54:51.000 But are those things that do change, are they because they have to give something otherwise people will fucking just rage up?

01:54:59.000 Do they give you a little just to keep democracy intact and just resist the change as much as possible?

01:55:05.000 Resist giving the people what they want as much as possible?

01:55:08.000 Is it consciously thought out?

01:55:12.000 I think the way that the system is set up is that this is what bothers me the most about politics, is for some reason, you're not allowed to admit fault in politics.

01:55:23.000 You can't be like, I did something, this didn't work out.

01:55:29.000 Like that's the system that's set up.

01:55:31.000 And that part is like, it is thought out.

01:55:34.000 Whatever decision you made, we're going to make it look like it was the right decision.

01:55:39.000 Right, definitely.

01:55:40.000 There's never a mistake.

01:55:41.000 That's the major flaw in the political public system.

01:55:46.000 You can't admit to any flaws.

01:55:47.000 Never, never.

01:55:48.000 If you do, you're going to lose traction and you become a flip-flopper or whatever.

01:55:53.000 So it's always like, what I did was the right thing.

01:55:56.000 And that is meticulous, obviously.

01:55:58.000 It's methodical.

01:56:00.000 It's very well.

01:56:03.000 It's outlined.

01:56:05.000 And it's fucking the most depressing thing about it.

01:56:07.000 It is.

01:56:08.000 The most depressing thing about politics is that politics are real.

01:56:11.000 And that you could lose your fucking life paying attention to it.

01:56:16.000 If you start talking like there's some new Supreme Court justice nominee that Obama likes, it looks like a lesbian, and everybody's all bummed out about it, and there's all this debate.

01:56:24.000 I'm like, God damn, do I really have to fucking think about this?

01:56:28.000 Do I really have to, I mean, you do, supposedly, if you're a good citizen, you're supposed to pay attention because lives could change and, you know, you could be in a situation where one of her rulings directly affects you.

01:56:37.000 Yeah.

01:56:38.000 You know, I don't know, man.

01:56:40.000 I don't know.

01:56:41.000 I don't know.

01:56:41.000 What are you doing that, Tommy?

01:56:43.000 I was, I wanted to tell you about Brian Jack.

01:56:46.000 Oh, this dude.

01:56:47.000 You had a story.

01:56:48.000 Yeah.

01:56:49.000 This is the dude that you went to high school with?

01:56:50.000 College.

01:56:50.000 College with.

01:56:51.000 I went to college with, and one night, a Saturday night, I went to a, I was not in a fraternity, but I went to a party that a fraternity had.

01:56:59.000 I think it was the Pie Cap fraternity, and then as I left, there is another fraternity next door, they had like their fraternity house, right?

01:57:08.000 And I'm walking back, and this fucking guy, Brian Jack was his name, he beat up, like physically pummeled seven guys and like full fucking ninja Rambo style, like where it wasn't even like he literally punched a guy and then did like a roundhouse kick and then rolled, did like a fucking like a somersault and like rolled up and punched another guy and just destroyed it where you're like, it was like a video game.

01:57:38.000 You're like, uh-uh, oh my god, oh my god, like just freaking out watching this guy just why did he get in the fight?

01:57:43.000 What happened?

01:57:44.000 He was, he's a total fucking, like, he was a very independent, like, sort of a loner, like, super athlete, like, had that quality of, like, like, of what, like, the best athletes do where it's, like, unbelievable work ethic when it comes to, like, like his, you know, working out and, like, training.

01:58:07.000 And just kind of a very peculiar, independent dude.

01:58:11.000 And, you know, didn't, I mean, kind of kept to himself, but also didn't fuck, like, didn't take any shit from anybody.

01:58:19.000 And he was walking, I think, through the yard of the fraternity guys who were dressed in like their, their Sunday best, like, they had their, their dockers on and their ties.

01:58:29.000 Like, so they were dressed up.

01:58:31.000 And to the best that I can remember, somebody said something to him that didn't fucking hit him the right way.

01:58:37.000 Like, like, you know, about like maybe walking through their lawn or like why he was at their house or something.

01:58:45.000 And I don't remember exactly how it started, but I know how it fucking ended.

01:58:50.000 Like, Brian Jack fucking laid out everybody who was basically in this fraternity.

01:58:55.000 Like, and it was like, it was pretty fucking impressive.

01:58:58.000 And I had a front fucking row.

01:58:59.000 What kind of an athlete was this guy?

01:59:01.000 He played football No, he was not like super big, like, like, just lean, like, I would say, like, six feet, like 205, but like rock fucking solid.

01:59:15.000 And, and, and, and a little crazy.

01:59:18.000 And he actually, I think, played one of the seasons, like, he broke his neck, and he kept playing.

01:59:22.000 What?

01:59:23.000 Yeah, and he even played, like, XFL, like that, that, that league that came out that was just like, you know, there aren't any rules.

01:59:29.000 Like, he played in that, like, he played in that league, I think.

01:59:32.000 Anyways, now he's a wrestler.

01:59:34.000 Like, I think he's trying to do WWF, and I got a video sent to me.

01:59:40.000 He calls himself Buck Wild.

01:59:42.000 Is it on YouTube?

01:59:43.000 It's on YouTube, yeah.

01:59:44.000 Let's find this guy on YouTube.

01:59:46.000 Yeah.

01:59:47.000 And I was like, holy shit.

01:59:48.000 BJ the wrestler is what he calls himself.

01:59:56.000 Buck Wild, BJ the Wrestler.

01:59:58.000 That's Mickey Work.

02:00:00.000 You know, Buck Wild, that's a band.

02:00:02.000 Wow, there's a lot of bad shit on here.

02:00:04.000 Wow.

02:00:06.000 There's a, I don't know.

02:00:08.000 We'll have to find it.

02:00:10.000 There's a.

02:00:11.000 There's some Buck something.

02:00:13.000 There's a fucking gay porn star named Buck Something or other, and it used to be a woman, and she took hormones and became a man, and is a male porn star, but he has a vagina. 0.97

02:00:25.000 An HBO fucking porn show.

02:00:28.000 Yeah, what is the name?

02:00:29.000 Pornucopia was the name of the porn.

02:00:31.000 Yeah, but the name of the guy.

02:00:32.000 I'm sure you fucking people online know about it.

02:00:36.000 Yeah.

02:00:39.000 I don't know.

02:00:40.000 Whatever.

02:00:41.000 That's not important.

02:00:43.000 Your dude beating the fuck out of that guy.

02:00:45.000 Buck Angel.

02:00:46.000 Thank you.

02:00:46.000 Thank you, sir.

02:00:47.000 Buck Angel, yeah.

02:00:48.000 Wild, Will Dynamic, Willy Dynamic.

02:00:51.000 People and your silly names.

02:00:53.000 Whatever.

02:00:54.000 Don't look at Buck Angel.

02:00:55.000 Just like I don't want to look at the human centipede.

02:00:57.000 And just like you don't want to look at Russian dudes cutting people's heads off.

02:00:59.000 You don't need to see that shit.

02:01:00.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:01:02.000 What's the worst thing you've ever seen online?

02:01:03.000 The worst thing I've seen online?

02:01:05.000 probably some shit that you've shown me. 0.68

02:01:06.000 I remember I was...

02:01:12.000 I always say that when you send somebody something fucked up, it's like a bomb.

02:01:15.000 You just wait for them to react.

02:01:17.000 You know it's going to hit them, like send.

02:01:19.000 And it just goes to them.

02:01:20.000 And you know that it's going to hit them.

02:01:22.000 What the fuck?

02:01:22.000 And then they type back and you get it in your inbox.

02:01:24.000 Like, ah, look what I did.

02:01:26.000 I mean, you know, the first time I saw Two Girls One Cup was very alarming.

02:01:32.000 But one guy, one cup, definitely was more like, get the fuck out of here.

02:01:38.000 One guy, one cup, the most disturbing thing was the scars around his legs.

02:01:42.000 Well, you know, he's been doing this for a while.

02:01:44.000 Or how about his basically non-reaction to what's happening?

02:01:48.000 Like the fact that he's going to scream and howl.

02:01:49.000 Or even quiver or move or anything.

02:01:51.000 Yeah, he didn't even buckle.

02:01:53.000 Homeboy's got giant chunks of glass and blood coming out of his asshole, and he's just fine with it.

02:01:59.000 If you haven't seen it, you don't need to see it.

02:02:02.000 Don't go to one guy, one cup.

02:02:04.000 Don't check that out.

02:02:05.000 Mr. Hands and Mrs. Hands were pretty crazy.

02:02:07.000 Mrs. Hands? 0.80

02:02:08.000 There's Mrs. Hands? 1.00

02:02:09.000 Oh, you didn't know there's Mrs. Hands? 1.00

02:02:10.000 Oh, the girl gets fucked by a horse? 1.00

02:02:10.000 No. 1.00

02:02:12.000 Yeah.

02:02:13.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:02:13.000 Oh, my God.

02:02:14.000 And that's what she, they call her Mrs. Hands? 1.00

02:02:16.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:02:18.000 But the things that I don't like the most, the things that I can't react to, are like the ultra-real violent shit.

02:02:24.000 That's the stuff I'm like, I fucking can't do this, man.

02:02:27.000 Like, I do this, like, crazy sexual or whatever.

02:02:30.000 But, like, I'm with you.

02:02:32.000 I don't like Nick Berg, the Turkey, I don't like the decapitations and shit, man. 1.00

02:02:36.000 Do you know the conspiracy theory behind the Nick Berg shit?

02:02:38.000 No.

02:02:39.000 That those guys are not Arabs, that they're actually CIA and they're Americans. 0.69

02:02:42.000 Apparently, their accents are off and they're too big.

02:02:46.000 Like, they're not built like Arabs. 1.00

02:02:47.000 They're like big, bulky, fat, fucking, beef-eating American psychos. 0.77

02:02:51.000 And that's the idea is that they killed a guy to make people more excited.

02:02:51.000 Really?

02:02:58.000 They found some guy over there.

02:02:59.000 He's doing what he's not supposed to be doing, going to a place where he's not supposed to be going.

02:03:02.000 And so they jacked him, arrested him, and cut his fucking head off so that he could act as like a deterrent for people that want to go and investigate this.

02:03:12.000 And he get people enthusiastic about this war.

02:03:15.000 Like, yeah, we got to get these motherfuckers. 1.00

02:03:17.000 They're evil.

02:03:17.000 They're bad.

02:03:18.000 You know, that's a big PR strategy, man, for a guy like that.

02:03:22.000 You know, you could take a guy and use him as a tool.

02:03:25.000 Like, say if some guy finds out some shit he's not supposed to find out or goes somewhere he's not supposed to go and then you know, if he could encourage other people to do it, they could have a real problem.

02:03:33.000 They just cut this guy's head off and make a video out of it.

02:03:35.000 And now, not only will that shit never happen again, nobody wants to go over there now.

02:03:39.000 They're cutting your fucking head off and putting it on a video.

02:03:42.000 And you see that guy gag and gurgle and make those horrible noises while he's still alive and they're sawing through his fucking neck.

02:03:49.000 And it gets people all fired up about going to war, you know, in a war that's not a very popular war, you know?

02:03:54.000 You got to be a cult.

02:03:55.000 Like, I can, I can under, like, I can see in certain circumstances, you know, how somebody kills somebody.

02:04:03.000 Like, you know what I mean?

02:04:04.000 I understand that there's a level that you cross that, like, you know, somebody could do something where you could kill somebody.

02:04:09.000 Yeah.

02:04:10.000 I understand that.

02:04:11.000 Like, human biologically, you're going to react if somebody crosses a certain line where it happens.

02:04:17.000 But to cut someone's head off, you have to be a savage motherfucker.

02:04:20.000 Yeah, especially with a little knife.

02:04:21.000 You're not even using a fucking axe.

02:04:23.000 You're not just whoop.

02:04:24.000 You're not going samurai sword.

02:04:25.000 Sawing through it.

02:04:27.000 Caught through it.

02:04:28.000 I guess, man, there's a certain amount of people that feel like, you know, you have a goal and you have a job and you do that job and your objective is to fucking, you know, do whatever they're, you know, do whatever the orders are.

02:04:40.000 And the orders are to kill this guy because you're going to make a video and this guy's going to be a martyr and, you know, we're going to use him as a publicity tool.

02:04:48.000 All right, bitch, guess you got to die. 1.00

02:04:50.000 You know, I mean, how many fucking people have been killed in interrogations that were innocent?

02:04:54.000 I mean, how many people are in Guantanamo Bay that are innocent?

02:04:56.000 How many people have been killed by accidental bombs, you know, that hit apartment buildings and shit?

02:05:02.000 At a certain number, you see a certain amount of casualties.

02:05:06.000 I think life starts to get real cheap.

02:05:07.000 You know, you see a certain amount of collateral damage that happens.

02:05:12.000 It's just a part of the game.

02:05:13.000 I think for a lot of these guys, life just starts to get cheap.

02:05:17.000 Yeah, I think you're right.

02:05:18.000 I think you're right.

02:05:19.000 Scary shit, man.

02:05:20.000 Scary shit, the idea that someone is willing to cut someone's fucking head off for a video.

02:05:25.000 But if you look at like Operation Northwoods, if you look at that idea, the idea of attacking Americans and blaming it on Cubans so that we could go to war, it really fits into the whole past scheme of things. 0.68

02:05:38.000 Yeah.

02:05:40.000 Yeah, I mean, they definitely are about getting the...

02:05:45.000 So that's why there's always a big push, you know?

02:05:48.000 You got to get people to go like, yeah, we got to get him.

02:05:50.000 We got to get him.

02:05:51.000 It's goddamn fucking horrible.

02:05:53.000 I'm going to take a few questions and then we're going to get out of here.

02:05:55.000 It's 35-13.

02:05:58.000 You didn't watch the UFC this weekend, did you?

02:06:00.000 No.

02:06:00.000 So we can't talk too much about the UFC.

02:06:04.000 It's pretty interesting because Josh Koschak beat up this dude.

02:06:11.000 He fought Paul Daly and was beating him up.

02:06:14.000 Took him down at will.

02:06:16.000 And at one point in time in the fight, he got kneed in the face, an illegal knee, and it didn't look in the replay like it hit him at all.

02:06:25.000 It looked like it just grazed him.

02:06:26.000 And he went down.

02:06:27.000 He was making it like he was really badly hurt.

02:06:30.000 I don't know if he was hurt or not.

02:06:31.000 He says he was.

02:06:33.000 But it didn't look real.

02:06:35.000 It might have been part of his strategy to fuck with this dude because he was relentlessly taunting him and tormenting him.

02:06:41.000 Like he would take him down.

02:06:41.000 He was talking shit to him while he was on top of him, beating him up.

02:06:44.000 And the guy just could not get up.

02:06:46.000 And every time he wanted to, he took him down.

02:06:47.000 And the last 30 seconds, he's just talking shit to this dude while he's on top of him.

02:06:52.000 And Paul Daly's trying to gouge his eyes while he's on the bottom.

02:06:52.000 Just talking shit.

02:06:55.000 It was crazy, man.

02:06:56.000 And he was just like, I don't know what the fuck he said, but whatever he said, it was driving him nuts.

02:07:01.000 So anyway, the bell ends to the round.

02:07:03.000 He gets off this dude and starts to walk away.

02:07:06.000 And Paul Daly walks up behind him, like when, like, walks up behind the referee, walks up to him, and sucker punches him after the fight was over.

02:07:14.000 Yeah, gets booted from the UFC for life.

02:07:17.000 Which, you know, can't do that.

02:07:19.000 You know, that, that, you know, you can't have a fight and then try to sucker punch a guy because you didn't get to hit him for 15 minutes because he was too good.

02:07:27.000 Yeah.

02:07:27.000 Because he was taking you down and he was imposing his game plan on you and they sucker punch him.

02:07:31.000 Daly is booted for life.

02:07:32.000 For life.

02:07:33.000 Yeah.

02:07:33.000 He fucked up.

02:07:34.000 You know, and Dana White got really pissed. 1.00

02:07:37.000 He asked him a question.

02:07:38.000 Like he asked him apparently after the fight was over, do you still want to fight in the UFC?

02:07:42.000 You know, like why are you doing shit like this?

02:07:44.000 And he like shrugged his shoulders and walked away.

02:07:46.000 And Dana White was like, good.

02:07:47.000 Well, now you won't.

02:07:48.000 I'll make that decision for you.

02:07:49.000 And just like, you can't do shit like that.

02:07:51.000 If you do, you've got to keep your composure.

02:07:54.000 Like, you talk a lot of shit before the fight.

02:07:56.000 And this guy talks mad shit.

02:07:58.000 Like, that's his thing.

02:07:59.000 And Koschek talks mad shit too.

02:08:01.000 So Paul Daly and Koschak were just going back and forth and back and forth.

02:08:04.000 And it generated an incredible amount of interest in the fight, but it also put an incredible amount of pressure on him.

02:08:10.000 And when he was getting his ass kicked, and when it was over, and he just got molested for fucking three rounds, like, and the knee, which may or may not have hit Koschek, and, you know, it made it look like a big deal.

02:08:20.000 And Koschek, like, was lying on his stomach and, you know, was like making it look like he was out.

02:08:24.000 And then when the referee said to him, the referee said, get up, I saw the replay.

02:08:29.000 Dan Mergliata goes, get up, I saw the replay.

02:08:30.000 It didn't hit you.

02:08:31.000 He goes, well, can you get this Vaseline out of my eye?

02:08:34.000 He gets the Vaseline out of his eye and he goes back to fighting like normal.

02:08:37.000 Like, what happened?

02:08:38.000 You were almost dead just a few seconds ago.

02:08:41.000 So it was, I think that was all a part of his psychological strategy to just fuck that dude's head up.

02:08:46.000 And it worked hook, line, and sinker.

02:08:48.000 And then at the end of the fight, we're at fucking Montreal, okay?

02:08:48.000 It really did.

02:08:51.000 Montreal's in the middle of this huge playoff.

02:08:53.000 The Canadians against Pittsburgh.

02:08:55.000 So he goes, he grabs a microphone, goes, don't worry about it because Pittsburgh is going to kick your fucking ass.

02:09:01.000 Oh, shit.

02:09:02.000 And they go nuts.

02:09:03.000 I mean, the fucking, you've never seen anybody like a sport or love hockey more than the Canadians.

02:09:08.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:09:09.000 Oh, my God.

02:09:10.000 Dude, they go nuts.

02:09:11.000 And then he said, and after that, I'm going to beat GSP and you'll have two fucking losses.

02:09:15.000 And they went nuts, and he leaves.

02:09:18.000 But meanwhile, the dude is a fucking master strategist when it comes to that shit.

02:09:23.000 I mean, he's a heel.

02:09:24.000 He's playing the heel.

02:09:25.000 And everybody will be so excited to see his fight.

02:09:28.000 Of course.

02:09:28.000 That's fucking brilliant, man.

02:09:30.000 Generates so much more interest.

02:09:31.000 He's made himself a great villain right now.

02:09:33.000 Yeah, he's a fucking, he wears the best black hat in the business.

02:09:36.000 You know, so he did that.

02:09:38.000 But dude, the fucking disappointment in the Canadians when he goes, don't worry about it because Pittsburgh's going to kick your fucking ass next week.

02:09:46.000 They were like, no!

02:09:48.000 It was like, you said something about their mother, man.

02:09:51.000 They were so fucking upset.

02:09:53.000 Dude, they were so upset.

02:09:55.000 I've never seen a crowd more universally excited about a sport and a team than the Canadians are about their hockey.

02:10:03.000 Dude, when they won, we got there Thursday night and they won.

02:10:05.000 And they won from behind.

02:10:07.000 They came from behind and won.

02:10:08.000 And when we were driving, right when we were driving, the game got out and they won.

02:10:12.000 And the fucking cab driver is telling us, oh, he's talking to us in French, telling us, you know, with his French accent, they won.

02:10:18.000 Did they find the leader to hold him back?

02:10:19.000 They could not hold him back.

02:10:20.000 He took to make the goal.

02:10:21.000 They tried to stop him.

02:10:22.000 He could not stop him.

02:10:23.000 And he's fucking crazy.

02:10:24.000 He's beeping his horn.

02:10:25.000 And everybody else is beeping their horn.

02:10:26.000 It was a fucking party down the street, dude.

02:10:29.000 Every car was honking their horn.

02:10:31.000 People were jumping on top of hoods of cars and screaming and yelling.

02:10:34.000 And everyone had a big smile on their face.

02:10:36.000 Like, you've never seen so many people united.

02:10:39.000 People that weren't at the game.

02:10:40.000 No.

02:10:41.000 It was people that were leaving the game that were fired up, but everybody on the street.

02:10:45.000 It's like family there.

02:10:46.000 It's like their family.

02:10:47.000 Yeah.

02:10:47.000 Dude, it's a level of love for a sport and a team.

02:10:52.000 They must take it hard, though, when those guys lose.

02:10:55.000 Oh, God, yeah, dude.

02:10:56.000 That's devastating to them.

02:10:58.000 I've been in Vancouver when, like, I think it wasn't even like an NHL team.

02:11:01.000 I think it was like a club league team was playing.

02:11:04.000 Like, their club team was playing.

02:11:06.000 And businesses shut down.

02:11:07.000 People were on the streets for a game.

02:11:09.000 Like, they're like, everything's going to be different tonight.

02:11:11.000 That's crazy, man.

02:11:12.000 That's crazy.

02:11:13.000 You don't see that in America.

02:11:15.000 Not anymore, at least.

02:11:15.000 I mean, when I was a kid, the Red Sox, when the Red Sox made it to the World Series, was the Bill Buckner one, when the ball went through his leg.

02:11:22.000 That was a big goddamn deal.

02:11:24.000 The whole city was into that.

02:11:26.000 And people, that would have been a very similar situation.

02:11:28.000 If they had won the World Series back then, I think maybe it's still like that.

02:11:32.000 I don't know.

02:11:32.000 It's not in Boston anymore.

02:11:33.000 But I don't think it is.

02:11:35.000 I don't remember it ever being the intensity level that it was in Canada.

02:11:38.000 In Canada, those motherfuckers, they loved it, man.

02:11:41.000 Did you see this guy?

02:11:43.000 Lars Vilkes.

02:11:44.000 He's the Swedish cartoonist that drew the image of Muhammad with his body, Muhammad's head on the body of a dog.

02:11:56.000 They've been trying to kill him for like two years.

02:11:58.000 I've heard about him drawing it.

02:12:00.000 Is that actual footage of the attacks?

02:12:02.000 They did a...

02:12:05.000 It don't matter anyway because it's all in.

02:12:08.000 I guess it's in Swedish.

02:12:10.000 He's Swedish.

02:12:11.000 So that's him right there.

02:12:12.000 Yeah, so he shows this video on religion.

02:12:16.000 And during the middle of the video on religion, all these Muslims, apparently they got super offended. 0.99

02:12:21.000 They run up and they tackle him and punch him in the head.

02:12:24.000 So one dude punches him in the head, that guy, and then they have to fucking tear gas people and they all start screaming, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar.

02:12:32.000 Well, they're all there.

02:12:33.000 Oh, yeah, they're all there to go after this guy.

02:12:36.000 They're all there to attack this guy.

02:12:38.000 It's crazy, man.

02:12:39.000 And they're all angry and they're young.

02:12:41.000 The students, they have fucking laptops and cameras and shit.

02:12:44.000 And they really truly believe that this guy's a piece of shit for drawing their guy.

02:12:49.000 Yeah, man.

02:12:50.000 Scary shit, man.

02:12:51.000 This type of fundamentalism and retarded thinking is very frightening. 1.00

02:12:55.000 See, that guy just hit that guy for no reason?

02:12:57.000 Look at the faggot way he threw that punch, too. 1.00

02:12:59.000 Isn't that the weakest shit?

02:13:01.000 They're fucking savage.

02:13:02.000 Whoa, man.

02:13:02.000 Yeah, look at him.

02:13:03.000 Yeah.

02:13:04.000 Nuts, man.

02:13:05.000 He got some weak-ass cops there, man.

02:13:05.000 Look at him.

02:13:07.000 I think that's a chick. 1.00

02:13:08.000 Oh.

02:13:09.000 Isn't it?

02:13:10.000 Side control.

02:13:10.000 Yeah.

02:13:11.000 She's got terrible side control. 0.98

02:13:13.000 Is that a chick? 1.00

02:13:14.000 She should break that arm.

02:13:14.000 I think it is.

02:13:15.000 She's got it right there.

02:13:16.000 He's take that arm.

02:13:17.000 If you haven't seen the video, it's unremarkable other than the fact that it's just another group of retarded fucking religious people screaming and yelling. 1.00

02:13:25.000 They're the most scary because Christians, you know, you're allowed to draw Jesus. 1.00

02:13:29.000 You can draw Jesus.

02:13:32.000 They're so fucking crazy.

02:13:33.000 You can't even draw the guy.

02:13:34.000 And to actually validate that point of view is ridiculous.

02:13:39.000 It's so scary, though, man.

02:13:41.000 It's so scary that this is still going on in 2010.

02:13:44.000 And not only are these guys, like, these college students, but these guys are actually, you know, like, they have laptops.

02:13:52.000 They're in their hands while they're there.

02:13:53.000 They have, you know, they have cameras, digital cameras.

02:13:56.000 They have access to the internet.

02:13:58.000 They even have like forums on message boards and shit where they go.

02:14:01.000 And, you know, like the South Park guys, the ones who wanted to kill South Park.

02:14:05.000 And then somebody hacked them.

02:14:06.000 No, I didn't know that.

02:14:06.000 Did you see that?

02:14:07.000 Oh, that was awesome.

02:14:08.000 And the picture was a Muslim guy kissing another guy. 0.72

02:14:08.000 Somebody hacked them. 0.72

02:14:12.000 And the whole background was all like Muhammad's head with a bomb in his turban. 0.98

02:14:19.000 And they left an email address for these guys to email them.

02:14:29.000 Contact us.

02:14:30.000 That's us, pal.

02:14:30.000 But look at the...

02:14:37.000 That's hilarious.

02:14:38.000 Best guest so far, says this guy.

02:14:40.000 Tommy Segura.

02:14:42.000 We're looking on our forums.

02:14:44.000 It's forums.jorogan.net, and that's the main forum for my website.

02:14:52.000 It's a pretty fucking crazy website.

02:14:54.000 All the podcasts go on there.

02:14:58.000 I used to put a lot of blogs up, and I still will write some, but right now I'm in the middle of writing a movie.

02:15:04.000 Or a movie?

02:15:04.000 No, a book.

02:15:05.000 And so I got an idea for a movie.

02:15:07.000 But I'm writing a book, and once I'm done with that, then I'll be doing a lot more blogs again.

02:15:13.000 But I got a couple more months to write this book.

02:15:15.000 Mostly about stand-up comedy, my early days, like crazy stories and shit.

02:15:19.000 Obama's a fucking liar.

02:15:21.000 During the campaign, he was listening to his iPod playlist.

02:15:24.000 That's true.

02:15:25.000 So he knows how to use a fucking iPod.

02:15:28.000 Yes, rivalries.

02:15:28.000 You're correct, sir.

02:15:29.000 Obama is a fucking liar.

02:15:32.000 I don't know why that's annoying to me, but that shit is very, very annoying.

02:15:36.000 Okay, wearing gold jewelry.

02:15:38.000 In one part of the Nick Berg video, you can see a military cap move in front of the camera.

02:15:43.000 He was working on phone lines.

02:15:44.000 He was working on a tower over in Abu Ghraib.

02:15:47.000 He took digital pictures of inside Abu Ghraib, hence the kidnapping.

02:15:52.000 So that's why they killed that guy.

02:15:53.000 That's obviously a conspiracy theory by my man Rivalries.

02:15:57.000 But that would make sense.

02:15:58.000 If that guy had witnessed, you know, the Abu Ghraib atrocities before we're talking about the guy who got his head cut off when they said that he was actually his head was cut off by CIA guys.

02:16:09.000 It totally makes sense, you know?

02:16:10.000 I think they'd be willing to do something like that.

02:16:14.000 What the fuck do I know?

02:16:15.000 No.

02:16:16.000 I don't got no solutions, folks.

02:16:17.000 I only got questions.

02:16:18.000 You got any solutions, Tommy Buns?

02:16:20.000 No answers to anything.

02:16:21.000 No, that's the goddamn problem.

02:16:23.000 Is that there are no answers.

02:16:25.000 We need a radical restructuring of our entire fucking society, our entire world.

02:16:31.000 And that's not going to happen anytime in our lifetime.

02:16:33.000 Do we put a patch on things?

02:16:33.000 So, what do we do?

02:16:35.000 No, you try to control your micro world.

02:16:38.000 That's what you do, ladies and gentlemen.

02:16:40.000 This is my advice: you want some advice: control all the people that are around you, control what you do for a living, control your body, control your mind, control how you treat other people and what kind of treatment you'll accept from other people.

02:16:53.000 If you do that, and if that shit spreads, and if people learn by your example, then you really can make a change and a difference.

02:17:00.000 Right, Daniel?

02:17:01.000 Absolutely.

02:17:02.000 Make a small change, a small difference locally.

02:17:04.000 It's sort of like politics.

02:17:05.000 Like, local politics work, you know?

02:17:08.000 Like, you can, if you're a local town, you can choose to put up a stop sign in an area where people need to stop because there's some accidents.

02:17:16.000 You know, you can vote on that, and that shit will actually happen, and it'll actually become something.

02:17:19.000 State politics, there's state laws that can get changed. 0.80

02:17:22.000 You know, like the medical marijuana law in California is a clear example of that.

02:17:25.000 They voted, like, yeah, the medical marijuana is helpful for people.

02:17:29.000 Let's vote it.

02:17:30.000 Let's make it real and now it's a reality.

02:17:31.000 But federally, man, you don't get to vote on shit like that, federally.

02:17:34.000 You don't get to vote on shit like that when it comes to the whole country.

02:17:37.000 And you can make changes, like, in your life and people's lives around you, too.

02:17:41.000 You know what I mean?

02:17:42.000 Like, if you want to fucking, like we're talking about, you can, you can get away from shit that's not affecting you in a good way and get away from people that are not good for you.

02:17:51.000 And that's what you can control.

02:17:52.000 You can control what you directly affect.

02:17:54.000 The people in your life, the way you think, the way you behave.

02:17:57.000 You can control all that.

02:17:59.000 You know, the real problem with us is that we have so much more access to human beings and to connecting to each other than we ever had in the past.

02:18:07.000 That's why people feel like they can be so douchey on message boards because there's no social consequence.

02:18:13.000 There's no consequence to emailing someone on MySpace and just saying nasty, fucked up shit to them.

02:18:18.000 You know, how many comics have you talked to that get horrible fucking messages on Facebook and on Twitter and dudes just say shit just to get attention?

02:18:26.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:18:26.000 And people, yeah, there's no consequence.

02:18:28.000 There's no accountability.

02:18:29.000 Why would they even want to reach out to someone like that?

02:18:32.000 Why would they even want to do that?

02:18:33.000 Like, what is that all about?

02:18:35.000 Well, it's all about the same thing.

02:18:36.000 It's all about we've lost some sort of a connection with each other because there's too fucking many of us.

02:18:41.000 That's why local shit is the only shit that works.

02:18:44.000 You know, small groups, the people that you actually impact, like the people that you impact in your personal life, the people that you impact in local politics, the people you impact at your job and whatever the fuck you do for your living, you know, how you impact those people.

02:18:58.000 That shit's all real.

02:18:59.000 It's just the matter is, how do you get it to work like that with the whole big giant group?

02:19:04.000 Yeah.

02:19:05.000 You don't, man.

02:19:05.000 We're fucking rambling.

02:19:07.000 We're not saying shit anymore.

02:19:10.000 Two hours and a half later.

02:19:14.000 That's usually the end of the podcast, ladies and gentlemen.

02:19:16.000 We come to a point of no point.

02:19:19.000 Yeah.

02:19:20.000 It's the Zen ending, the no conclusion.

02:19:22.000 A lot of good points were made before we got to no point.

02:19:25.000 Yeah, your friend is a fucking badass ass kicker.

02:19:28.000 Dudes and slacks and ties shouldn't fuck with him.

02:19:31.000 Don't fuck with that.

02:19:32.000 We made that point.

02:19:33.000 And we made a point.

02:19:34.000 Let's review everything we learned.

02:19:36.000 Don't drink a whole mouthful of GHB.

02:19:38.000 That shit's terrible for you.

02:19:39.000 That's really bad, and your parents will be disappointed in you.

02:19:42.000 Yeah.

02:19:43.000 Don't wait until you're 40 years old to decide you want to be a stand-up comedian.

02:19:47.000 Don't do that.

02:19:48.000 It's likely that you're not Robert Schimmel.

02:19:51.000 Yes, likely.

02:19:52.000 And if you are a funny person and you are a funny stand-up comedian and don't assume that you have to live your life the same way that got you there with no discipline and no self-control.

02:20:04.000 You can get your shit together, even though neither Tommy nor myself have our shit together.

02:20:09.000 Get our shit together.

02:20:10.000 And go buy Tommy's CD.

02:20:12.000 It's called Thrilled.

02:20:14.000 He's fucking hilarious.

02:20:15.000 I'll bank on it.

02:20:16.000 He's worked with me many times.

02:20:17.000 You might have seen him with me.

02:20:18.000 and we were in Sydney, Australia together.

02:20:22.000 Do we do San Francisco together?

02:20:23.000 We've done San Francisco, San Jose.

02:20:26.000 San Jose.

02:20:26.000 We've done a bunch of gigs together.

02:20:28.000 Fucking hilarious comedian.

02:20:29.000 TomSegura.com.

02:20:30.000 Yes.

02:20:31.000 S-E-G-U-R-A.com. 1.00

02:20:34.000 Please follow him on Twitter.

02:20:35.000 It's Tom Segura.

02:20:37.000 Just right?

02:20:38.000 And I have links for my iTunes and Amazon.

02:20:41.000 And now you are officially on the Joe Rogan podcast promoting the Tom Segura thrilled CD.

02:20:47.000 It will now blow the fuck up.

02:20:49.000 Your Twitter, I guarantee you, by the end of the day, you will have 10 more Twitter followers.

02:20:53.000 Nice, I think.

02:20:54.000 10.

02:20:54.000 At least.

02:20:55.000 I guarantee 10.

02:20:56.000 I guarantee two purchases of this CD because of this.

02:20:59.000 That would not have happened.

02:21:00.000 I fucking really appreciate that, man.

02:21:02.000 Like a motherfucker.

02:21:03.000 We also learned, by the way, that you can masturbate in a whole new way.

02:21:07.000 Yes.

02:21:08.000 You can fuck this.

02:21:10.000 It's way better than your fist.

02:21:12.000 And yes, I am sponsored by a fleshlight, but if it sucked, I would quit the sponsorship and I would tell you, I would not sell you anything that I don't think is real.

02:21:20.000 I will guarantee you this.

02:21:21.000 I'm not saying that I will never have sponsors, but I am saying that I will never try to endorse something that I don't think is an awesome product.

02:21:28.000 And this is a goddamn awesome product.

02:21:30.000 And it's for beating off, which I'm for.

02:21:33.000 Probeating off.

02:21:34.000 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning into the podcast.

02:21:37.000 We will see you next week, next Tuesday, same bat time, same bat channel, 3 p.m.

02:21:42.000 Pacific, unless Mrs. Rogan busts out the baby, because she's ready to do it any day now. 1.00

02:21:47.000 That might fuck up my schedule.

02:21:48.000 But either way, the weekly podcast will continue.

02:21:50.000 I will keep you informed on Twitter.

02:21:51.000 Thank you, everybody.

02:21:52.000 Thank you very much for tuning in.

02:21:54.000 I love you, bitches, and I'll see you soon. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 12, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #20 - Tom Segura

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Summary

Transcript