The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #2011

00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

00:00:04.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:00:12.000 Tony Woods, what's happening, baby?

00:00:14.000 What's happening with you, Joe?

00:00:15.000 Good to see you, my friend.

00:00:16.000 Man, I'm glad you had me back.

00:00:18.000 I'm glad you came back.

00:00:19.000 It was good seeing you last night.

00:00:21.000 Because I was like, somebody said, hey, Joe got a new club.

00:00:26.000 I just sent you a text like, hey, man, let me do your club.

00:00:30.000 And you hit me back, okay.

00:00:31.000 I'm like, all right, what's up?

00:00:33.000 Yeah, I'm excited.

00:00:34.000 This weekend.

00:00:35.000 Yes.

00:00:35.000 That's going to be fun.

00:00:36.000 It is, man.

00:00:37.000 You're going to love it.

00:00:38.000 Well, you done put the village right down here in Texas, man.

00:00:43.000 Like back in the day when they had the comedy club here, we'd go to Boston Comedy Club, go to Salad, go to da-da-da-da, all of that.

00:00:48.000 That's how it is.

00:00:49.000 It's just bouncing around.

00:00:52.000 Yeah, we got five clubs on one street.

00:00:54.000 Bang.

00:00:55.000 But you got the Madison Square Garden.

00:00:58.000 You got the mothership.

00:00:59.000 Yeah, you got the mothership.

00:01:00.000 I said to somebody, I said, I'm going to Austin to do the mothership.

00:01:07.000 He says, wow, that's going to be a long flight.

00:01:09.000 You flying through Boston to go to Africa?

00:01:12.000 I'm like, no.

00:01:12.000 What?

00:01:13.000 Yeah.

00:01:16.000 I said, Africa is the mother country.

00:01:21.000 The mothership.

00:01:22.000 And then I broke it down and I'm like, yeah, mothership, you know, like George Clinton, you know, and the parliament and all that.

00:01:27.000 And he was like, I've never heard that.

00:01:30.000 Well, it's new.

00:01:32.000 It's dope, though, man.

00:01:33.000 Thank you.

00:01:33.000 Yeah, we've been open four months now.

00:01:35.000 It's been wild.

00:01:36.000 I see it's a line all the time.

00:01:40.000 Other comedians have sent me pictures of people lined up like they're going to see Star Wars the first time.

00:01:46.000 It's hard to get tickets, so people get amped up about it.

00:01:49.000 It's really nice.

00:01:50.000 Yeah, I like it.

00:01:51.000 The green room is dope, too.

00:01:53.000 Yeah, we set it up.

00:01:54.000 I mean, we basically set up everything to make it perfect for stand-up.

00:01:58.000 Yeah.

00:01:58.000 You know, just perfect for the comics, perfect for the staff.

00:02:02.000 I've been in clubs, and they go, yeah, we put our heart and soul into this.

00:02:06.000 I'm like, you guys do comedy?

00:02:07.000 No, we don't do comedy, but this is our new club.

00:02:09.000 I'm like, this is clubs.

00:02:11.000 You don't want to say it.

00:02:12.000 You didn't know what you're doing.

00:02:13.000 Yeah.

00:02:13.000 I went to this one club and they had...

00:02:16.000 This is the stage.

00:02:17.000 The ceiling is like that.

00:02:19.000 So it sounds like you're in a gymnasium.

00:02:21.000 It's like that.

00:02:22.000 And the bar is right there.

00:02:24.000 And just...

00:02:26.000 People ordering drinks while the show's going on.

00:02:28.000 Then they got like a tear up here.

00:02:31.000 It's more like a dance club.

00:02:33.000 It looks like, yeah, like Bandstand, American Bandstand or something, you know.

00:02:37.000 It'd be dope as a club.

00:02:39.000 Well, there's not a lot of clubs that are designed by comedians.

00:02:42.000 Yeah.

00:02:43.000 Where the comic comes in and says, you know, we need to fix this, we need to do that.

00:02:47.000 We had Louis come in, too.

00:02:48.000 That helped a lot.

00:02:49.000 Louis gave me some real good advice.

00:02:51.000 Real good tips.

00:02:52.000 I listened to everything he said.

00:02:53.000 I said, let's do this.

00:02:54.000 Okay, I'll do that.

00:02:56.000 He's like, make the stage in the small room smaller.

00:02:58.000 Okay, how much smaller?

00:02:59.000 Four feet on each side.

00:03:00.000 Chopped it up.

00:03:01.000 It was like right before we poured the concrete, too, so they had to change the rebar and all that jazz.

00:03:06.000 But it's perfect.

00:03:07.000 All right.

00:03:08.000 When you, like, from the stage, I give advice on.

00:03:12.000 Like, I might, you know, you poke fun at the club, you talk shit, and, like, the owner's always like, you know how much money I put into this club?

00:03:19.000 I'm like, yeah.

00:03:20.000 But you don't do stand-up, man.

00:03:22.000 You don't know what you're doing.

00:03:23.000 You don't know what you're doing.

00:03:24.000 And when I said it, people laughed.

00:03:27.000 But then sometimes you rip on a club because it's comfortable, and you rip on it, and then they'll go and fix it.

00:03:33.000 Like, dude, what you doing?

00:03:34.000 Right.

00:03:35.000 Don't clean it up, man.

00:03:36.000 What are you doing?

00:03:37.000 Like the Punchline Atlanta.

00:03:39.000 Yeah.

00:03:40.000 Did you ever do that?

00:03:40.000 I did that one, yeah.

00:03:41.000 Yeah.

00:03:42.000 They cleaned it up.

00:03:44.000 They moved.

00:03:46.000 But it was like one of those clubs, like the Ice House in Pasadena, they fixed that up too.

00:03:50.000 Apparently it's real nice.

00:03:51.000 But you would go to those places and it's just like they had a feel.

00:03:55.000 They had those, like the wall in Zany's where you see those headshots from 1983. There's a club in Baltimore.

00:04:02.000 It's a comedy factory.

00:04:04.000 My first five minutes was on how dusty the velvet curtain was.

00:04:09.000 But that was dope.

00:04:10.000 You come in, it's like...

00:04:11.000 And then they cleaned it up, new thing, new this.

00:04:16.000 I'm like...

00:04:17.000 I think I'm tired of the jokes.

00:04:20.000 Comedy is dirty, son.

00:04:22.000 Yeah, some comedy is dirty.

00:04:24.000 It's good.

00:04:24.000 Well, it's a painful thing.

00:04:26.000 I tell people, I say, the periodic chart, the symbol for comedy is a banana peel.

00:04:32.000 That means somebody gotta get hurt, man.

00:04:36.000 The crowd might laugh, but somebody's gonna go, fuck you.

00:04:39.000 How many people have gotten fucked up over banana peels to the point where banana peels became a thing?

00:04:45.000 Like, you just know.

00:04:46.000 If you leave a banana peel on the ground, people are getting fucked up.

00:04:49.000 It's, like, literally the only item where if it's on the...

00:04:52.000 You could describe it, and there was a banana peel on the ground.

00:04:54.000 Like, oh, shit.

00:04:56.000 Boom, that's it.

00:04:56.000 Someone's getting fucked up by a banana peel.

00:04:58.000 Yeah, there we go, man.

00:04:59.000 100% of the time.

00:05:00.000 And then next thing you know, the ambulance guy is telling you, you got STD. Well, that's what it sounded like when I hurt my back that time.

00:05:09.000 He said, you got a sciatica.

00:05:11.000 I'm like, oh, I knew she was dirty.

00:05:14.000 But sciatica sounds like something else.

00:05:18.000 I just threw that in there.

00:05:19.000 I see what you just did.

00:05:21.000 Yeah.

00:05:22.000 I can't hit myself at all.

00:05:24.000 You don't like it?

00:05:24.000 No, like, yeah.

00:05:26.000 Is it too much?

00:05:27.000 We don't have to wear these.

00:05:28.000 We can take them off.

00:05:29.000 Yeah.

00:05:29.000 If you feel more comfortable, take them off.

00:05:30.000 I'm good.

00:05:31.000 I'm going to do it like that, man.

00:05:33.000 I'm going to do it like that, man.

00:05:35.000 Because I'm always the first one to feel something, like right now, and you guys don't have it here, but we got the smoke and stuff.

00:05:43.000 How bad is it?

00:05:44.000 It's real bad, man.

00:05:46.000 It's like this bad.

00:05:47.000 Why is it orange?

00:05:49.000 Has anybody tried to figure that out?

00:05:51.000 Because you know all the conspiracy theories, Jamie?

00:05:53.000 I know a guy.

00:05:54.000 Do you know the conspiracy theories?

00:05:56.000 Because apparently there was a bunch of chemicals that went missing.

00:05:58.000 I know a guy.

00:06:00.000 I know a guy who used to be the NBC doc.

00:06:03.000 You know what NBC is?

00:06:04.000 So at Camp Lejeune, the Marines have to go through a gas chamber.

00:06:08.000 Right.

00:06:09.000 And I'm a corpsman.

00:06:11.000 So you can only do it once a quarter.

00:06:13.000 But the good thing is you get a three-day weekend.

00:06:16.000 So I would volunteer to do it.

00:06:19.000 So I think I did it a couple, too many times.

00:06:22.000 Not a lot, but I would, okay, maybe once a month.

00:06:27.000 But, you know what I'm saying?

00:06:28.000 Them three-day weekends are good, and I didn't care.

00:06:31.000 Because after a while, you kind of get used to it.

00:06:33.000 But when I smell that smoke, I'm like, I know what trees and leaves smell like, man, when they burnin'.

00:06:39.000 That's not hot.

00:06:41.000 It doesn't smell like that.

00:06:42.000 What does it smell like?

00:06:44.000 Chemicals.

00:06:45.000 NBC. It's called nuclear biological chemical warfare.

00:06:49.000 And Marines, everybody in the military, you have to go in and you put your mask on.

00:06:54.000 You have to...

00:06:54.000 You say, I'm Joe Rogan.

00:06:58.000 Because you have to be able, like, when the gas comes, you don't already have your mask on.

00:07:03.000 You got to...

00:07:03.000 How to think fast, put it on.

00:07:06.000 And...

00:07:07.000 And so, as a corpsman, but you already got your mask on as a corpsman, but it's still getting in there, so for health reasons, you should do it once a quarter.

00:07:15.000 You were doing it once a month.

00:07:17.000 Once every other month, something like that.

00:07:20.000 Just for the three-day weekends.

00:07:23.000 Just for the three-day weekend, man.

00:07:25.000 Wow.

00:07:25.000 You don't understand.

00:07:26.000 I volunteered, because I had allergies real bad, I volunteered to go up to Norfolk for these, they would be up there for like a week, and they They give you shots and do this and do that and do this.

00:07:40.000 Yeah.

00:07:41.000 And I was talking to this guy one time who was in my unit.

00:07:45.000 I said, yeah, man, I went from 5'10 to 6'1 in like a year.

00:07:49.000 He says, yeah, would you let him shoot you up with all that shit?

00:07:54.000 Who's they giving him?

00:07:55.000 He's a grown man.

00:07:57.000 He's a grown man.

00:07:58.000 They were just trying shit out on him.

00:08:00.000 I got five days off, dawg.

00:08:02.000 I always thought they were doing that kind of stuff.

00:08:05.000 Yeah.

00:08:05.000 Like, I don't know what they give people, but haven't you ever heard...

00:08:09.000 There's always been stories about people giving people, like, crazy experimental drugs.

00:08:14.000 Well, in the military, you just...

00:08:15.000 You got your gear in your hand, and you just walk through, and there's a corpsman on both sides.

00:08:22.000 We just pop you.

00:08:23.000 Well, if I had a bunch of soldiers, especially like special operators, like Navy SEALs, I would want them to be juiced up.

00:08:30.000 I would want that.

00:08:32.000 Everybody's juiced up.

00:08:32.000 I want them to be on amphetamines.

00:08:34.000 I would want them to be on steroids.

00:08:38.000 I didn't really know what we was on.

00:08:39.000 We just said, taking shots today.

00:08:45.000 Hey, does my voice sound fucked up?

00:08:46.000 Does it sound like I'm lisping a little bit?

00:08:48.000 It does, right?

00:08:50.000 I have an Invisalign in.

00:08:52.000 I'm getting my teeth straightened out.

00:08:54.000 Can we see?

00:08:56.000 Can't really see.

00:08:58.000 But this is the first day I've had it on.

00:09:01.000 Now that you said it, I can tell.

00:09:03.000 So my question is, do I try to work through this?

00:09:05.000 Because they say that eventually your tongue figures out how to talk.

00:09:08.000 I don't think you sound that different.

00:09:09.000 And it doesn't sound weird.

00:09:11.000 I'm getting better at it.

00:09:12.000 But when I first started talking, see?

00:09:14.000 You can hear it right there.

00:09:14.000 First, you can't hear it.

00:09:16.000 It's like your tongue has to, even though it's the tiniest little amount of plastic, your tongue has to figure out where that is.

00:09:23.000 And then it has to kind of like pull back a little bit.

00:09:26.000 It's going to change your...

00:09:27.000 I'm not going to wear it on stage.

00:09:29.000 That would be fucked.

00:09:30.000 Impossible.

00:09:31.000 Because there'll be certain things that you say and a certain way you say them.

00:09:35.000 And my lower teeth have always been crooked and shit gets stuck in them.

00:09:41.000 It's really hard to floss them.

00:09:43.000 The dentist is like, listen, you don't have to wear braces.

00:09:46.000 You can just do this thing and it takes a long time.

00:09:50.000 It takes over a year.

00:09:51.000 I don't think you sound that different.

00:09:52.000 I do a little.

00:09:53.000 If you're a person who's easily annoyed, I apologize.

00:09:56.000 I'm gonna figure this out.

00:09:57.000 You good.

00:09:59.000 I'm gonna figure this out.

00:09:59.000 I'm telling you I got fucked up by ants.

00:10:01.000 So here's the fire.

00:10:02.000 Oh, okay, there's the fire.

00:10:04.000 This is the last, it's a map of the last day or so.

00:10:09.000 Now, the conspiracy theory is that there's a shit ton of toxic waste, toxic chemicals, rather, that went missing.

00:10:18.000 Remember those?

00:10:20.000 Yes, sort of, yeah.

00:10:22.000 And the conspiracy theory is they burn them, and that's why the smoke is orange.

00:10:26.000 Where'd they burn them?

00:10:27.000 Up in Canada.

00:10:28.000 But it's definitely not trees burning.

00:10:30.000 It's not trees burning.

00:10:32.000 Well, the thing is...

00:10:33.000 And how's it going and coming?

00:10:35.000 The winds.

00:10:36.000 But the thing is, if you have a fire that's that big, for sure there's some stuff around the fire other than just trees.

00:10:44.000 For sure they're burning down buildings.

00:10:45.000 There's not a lot in Canada up there.

00:10:47.000 Is that true?

00:10:48.000 I remember hearing that most of the population lives near the border.

00:10:53.000 That makes sense.

00:10:54.000 Where's Winnipeg at?

00:10:58.000 It's supposed to be dead in the center somewhere.

00:11:00.000 Bro, those fucking Alberta people, those people that can live up in that cold weather, those are different people.

00:11:07.000 They like it.

00:11:08.000 They laugh at Detroit.

00:11:10.000 They're like, this isn't cold.

00:11:12.000 You think Michigan is cold?

00:11:13.000 Come on up to Alberta.

00:11:14.000 And everybody's just walking around with Levi's jacket.

00:11:17.000 Yeah.

00:11:18.000 But you get used to it.

00:11:20.000 Wear the right clothes.

00:11:22.000 You make the most of it.

00:11:23.000 It was very weird that video where they all started at the same time.

00:11:26.000 What's that?

00:11:26.000 Where all the fires start at the exact same time it looked like.

00:11:29.000 A little weird.

00:11:29.000 Pretty weird.

00:11:30.000 Yeah.

00:11:31.000 And it was right after the balloon.

00:11:32.000 I heard the explanation to that was like lightning storms.

00:11:35.000 Which does happen.

00:11:36.000 What about the balloon that got shot down or something like that?

00:11:38.000 That sounds weirder to me as an explanation.

00:11:40.000 What are they saying started this fire?

00:11:44.000 They're not.

00:11:44.000 They're not saying it at all?

00:11:46.000 I haven't heard anybody say what started.

00:11:48.000 They just say it's a fire in Canada.

00:11:50.000 Wear a mask.

00:11:51.000 Dry hot weather, breeds more lightning.

00:11:54.000 Half the wildfires are started by lightning, but those fires account for more than 85% of the wildfire destruction.

00:12:00.000 The other half are human caused.

00:12:01.000 So how many animals are dead?

00:12:04.000 Oh, they're pretty good at getting the fuck away.

00:12:06.000 If it's just woods...

00:12:08.000 I bet you'd be surprised at how few die.

00:12:10.000 They're really good at getting away.

00:12:12.000 This article right here just said this in April only displaced 30,000 people, so it's like there's not a lot of people up there.

00:12:18.000 Okay.

00:12:19.000 But it's fucking huge, right?

00:12:21.000 It's been going on for how many months now?

00:12:22.000 This says as of Friday, I mean this was...

00:12:25.000 427 active wildfires?

00:12:29.000 232 of them are out of control.

00:12:32.000 232 fires in Canada are out of control.

00:12:35.000 They're trying to burn down Canada.

00:12:36.000 They just burn until they run into water?

00:12:39.000 Yeah.

00:12:40.000 Well, I think when things get this big, there's not much they can do.

00:12:46.000 I mean, they can do their best to try to contain it.

00:12:49.000 Shutting down production of oil and gas.

00:12:53.000 I mean, you haven't been back east?

00:12:56.000 You haven't seen it?

00:12:57.000 I heard it's horrible.

00:12:58.000 It's really bad.

00:12:59.000 Yeah.

00:12:59.000 It's really bad.

00:13:01.000 It's going to last for a long time, too.

00:13:03.000 This fire is fucking huge.

00:13:07.000 I see.

00:13:08.000 It's like multiple Los Angeleses on fire.

00:13:11.000 And that's how it looks sometimes.

00:13:13.000 It looks like L.A. like this.

00:13:15.000 It's like that.

00:13:17.000 Brother, worst ever experience was Mexico City.

00:13:20.000 We flew into Mexico City.

00:13:21.000 I took photos out my window.

00:13:23.000 I was like, this is crazy.

00:13:24.000 The amount of smoke those people live in on a regular basis.

00:13:27.000 The amount of pollution there is horrible.

00:13:30.000 It says, I've never seen a vertical wall of smoke like this one near Fox Creek, Alberta on Sunday.

00:13:36.000 And the strangest thing about this moment was I couldn't smell any smoke.

00:13:41.000 Well, I guess the wind hadn't got to me.

00:13:44.000 If the wind's not going in that direction, you need to smell it.

00:13:46.000 Well, he can smell smoke.

00:13:47.000 It's just he couldn't smell trees burning.

00:13:50.000 Because I don't smell trees burning.

00:13:52.000 Is that what he's saying though?

00:13:53.000 Because also...

00:13:55.000 Look at the smoke.

00:13:57.000 Look at how it looks.

00:13:58.000 But that for sure is smoke too.

00:14:00.000 Those trees are burning.

00:14:01.000 Yeah.

00:14:02.000 What is that?

00:14:03.000 Trees look pretty good.

00:14:05.000 Can you imagine if it really is how they got rid of those chemicals?

00:14:08.000 They decided to light the forest on fire?

00:14:11.000 That would be the dumbest way to get rid of those chemicals.

00:14:15.000 In what way?

00:14:16.000 They sprayed them and then someone started a fire?

00:14:18.000 Why would you do that?

00:14:20.000 I can understand why someone would think it's a conspiracy, right?

00:14:23.000 The chemicals go missing and then there's this fire and the smoke looks orange.

00:14:29.000 I get how people would put those two together.

00:14:31.000 But my question would be, why would anybody do that?

00:14:34.000 Why would anybody light all those chemicals on fire in the woods?

00:14:38.000 Here's what it made New York City look like.

00:14:41.000 Imagine that's how they start- Somebody else might have done it.

00:14:43.000 Right.

00:14:45.000 Maybe.

00:14:45.000 Look at that.

00:14:46.000 That's bonkers.

00:14:47.000 But imagine that is how you choose to get rid of chemicals.

00:14:52.000 Like, it's not...

00:14:53.000 You know what I mean?

00:14:54.000 Yeah, that's why I like it.

00:14:55.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:14:56.000 It fucked up everybody.

00:14:57.000 Fucked up everybody.

00:14:58.000 And you're lighting...

00:15:00.000 You have to be the craziest psychopath of all time.

00:15:03.000 You're lighting the woods on fire to get rid of some chemicals.

00:15:08.000 I'm thinking maybe it wasn't...

00:15:10.000 Their woods did they set on fire?

00:15:12.000 Somebody else's woods.

00:15:13.000 No, someone else from somewhere else.

00:15:16.000 Someone set someone.

00:15:17.000 Yeah.

00:15:17.000 Yeah, maybe.

00:15:18.000 We'll get those motherfuckers.

00:15:19.000 Right, but why the chemicals?

00:15:21.000 That's the question.

00:15:22.000 Like, if it is the chemicals, what kind of conspiracy is that?

00:15:27.000 Go to 4chan.

00:15:29.000 Wasn't it near where the balloon was?

00:15:31.000 Remember the balloon?

00:15:32.000 The balloon was like...

00:15:33.000 It was right in that area.

00:15:34.000 Where was the balloon flying over?

00:15:36.000 There's a few places.

00:15:37.000 It started in the Northwest and started making it across the country, I think.

00:15:41.000 They said they had a bunch of those while Trump was in office and they didn't tell him about it.

00:15:45.000 Because they were worried he was going to shoot them down.

00:15:47.000 Well, they also showed that laser, that footage of that laser shooting down on, like, the Hawaiian coastline.

00:15:51.000 Yeah, what was that?

00:15:52.000 That makes me think of the fires as, like, whatever that is.

00:15:55.000 Oh, God.

00:15:56.000 Imagine if they could just light the fucking woods on fire to make us comply.

00:15:59.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:16:00.000 Stay in your homes.

00:16:01.000 That makes no sense, too.

00:16:02.000 Download this app.

00:16:03.000 Why?

00:16:03.000 The woods are on fire.

00:16:04.000 You must now download this app.

00:16:06.000 Put in your fingerprints.

00:16:08.000 We've got to make sure that we track all your matches purchases.

00:16:11.000 That's the next thing they're going to do.

00:16:13.000 It's kind of crazy that you could just buy a lighter.

00:16:15.000 Like anybody could go buy a lighter and start lighting shit on fire.

00:16:19.000 Just can't take it through TSA. You can't take a lighter through TSA? No.

00:16:24.000 Really?

00:16:25.000 Really.

00:16:26.000 Is that new?

00:16:27.000 No.

00:16:27.000 Matches though, right?

00:16:28.000 Yeah, matches.

00:16:29.000 I mean, but if it's sitting in your carry-on, they take light.

00:16:32.000 You ever see that little bucket of those lighters?

00:16:35.000 You can take disposables.

00:16:37.000 Yeah.

00:16:38.000 Disposable and Zippo lighters without fuel.

00:16:40.000 Oh, without fuel.

00:16:41.000 Yeah.

00:16:41.000 Uh-huh.

00:16:42.000 Oh, you have to take...

00:16:43.000 They took my really nice Zippo.

00:16:44.000 But disposables are this.

00:16:45.000 This is a disposable.

00:16:46.000 Lighters with fuel are prohibited in checked bags.

00:16:49.000 I don't know.

00:16:50.000 Okay, disposable and Zippo.

00:16:52.000 So the Zippos without fuel are allowed in checked bags.

00:16:55.000 How do you know that they have fuel?

00:16:56.000 And disposables are allowed in checked bags.

00:16:57.000 So that's checked bags, though.

00:16:59.000 The one they took from me was a gift.

00:17:01.000 Right.

00:17:01.000 I didn't put the stuff in it yet.

00:17:02.000 It was like in a gift box.

00:17:04.000 You know, with the little...

00:17:05.000 Oh, really?

00:17:06.000 Yeah.

00:17:06.000 They took that?

00:17:07.000 They took that.

00:17:07.000 Oh, that's dirty.

00:17:09.000 I don't think they're supposed to take it if there's got any fuel in it.

00:17:11.000 It was brand new.

00:17:13.000 Yeah, I don't think they're allowed to take that.

00:17:15.000 I think they fucking robbed you.

00:17:16.000 Yeah.

00:17:16.000 Yeah, they're like, look what I got.

00:17:18.000 I came up.

00:17:19.000 Final decision rests with the TSA officer on whether the item is allowed through the checkpoint.

00:17:25.000 Exactly.

00:17:26.000 Yeah, some of them are cool and some of them are not.

00:17:28.000 I remember when they made pool cues illegal.

00:17:30.000 You couldn't take a pool cue on board, but you could take a skateboard.

00:17:34.000 I'm like, dude, I could fuck you up with a skateboard way better than I could fuck you up with a pool cue.

00:17:39.000 You know?

00:17:40.000 And pool cue can get a little more speed to it.

00:17:42.000 What about an umbrella?

00:17:43.000 Can you take an umbrella?

00:17:43.000 You can take an umbrella.

00:17:45.000 You can take a fucking cane.

00:17:47.000 Yeah, both of them.

00:17:48.000 A cane?

00:17:49.000 Like, you could fuck somebody up with a cane.

00:17:51.000 There's a lot of canes that have swords in them now.

00:17:52.000 Yeah, my mom got that one.

00:17:54.000 That one's crazy.

00:17:55.000 Yeah, but she...

00:17:56.000 Some dude with a limp in a cane.

00:17:57.000 No, somebody gave it to her, but they didn't know that it was...

00:18:00.000 She didn't know?

00:18:01.000 No.

00:18:02.000 Just happened to twist it, and I'm like, whoa!

00:18:04.000 Shit!

00:18:04.000 She is.

00:18:05.000 Oh no.

00:18:06.000 She's at the house right now.

00:18:08.000 That's nice.

00:18:08.000 You see your mom on the porch sharpening.

00:18:10.000 Zing, zing, zing.

00:18:13.000 You don't know who you fucking with.

00:18:15.000 Carrying a sword, that's some next level shit.

00:18:18.000 An undercover sword in a cane.

00:18:21.000 What's the name of the place?

00:18:23.000 The place you used to go get, like, ears pierced and they were in the mall.

00:18:28.000 Oh, right, right, right.

00:18:29.000 Spencer Gifts?

00:18:30.000 Spencer's, yeah.

00:18:31.000 Yeah, somebody gave her a cane from Spencer's.

00:18:34.000 Wow.

00:18:34.000 Spencer Gifts cane had a sword in it?

00:18:37.000 They had the sword.

00:18:37.000 They're selling weapons?

00:18:39.000 Well, this was...

00:18:40.000 Back in the 80s?

00:18:41.000 You could do shit like that?

00:18:43.000 She didn't need a cane in the 80s.

00:18:44.000 This was...

00:18:47.000 It had to be the 2000s.

00:18:49.000 I remember you used to be able to go to Chinatown and buy throwing stars.

00:18:53.000 Yeah, remember those?

00:18:54.000 Yeah.

00:18:55.000 We still have throwing stars.

00:18:57.000 We go out in the woods and fuck trees up.

00:18:59.000 There's a comedian who used to have those stars.

00:19:02.000 Really?

00:19:02.000 His name is Willie Robocop.

00:19:04.000 He's a comedian from D.C. who lives in London.

00:19:07.000 And did he do something with them on stage?

00:19:09.000 No, off stage you had the stars.

00:19:12.000 Him and another comedian got into it one time and he had those things out.

00:19:15.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:19:16.000 They didn't throw it, though.

00:19:18.000 That's a scary proposition, though.

00:19:20.000 A dude who's really good at throwing stars.

00:19:23.000 Yeah.

00:19:24.000 I mean, they roll out like a little belt or something.

00:19:31.000 Jesus.

00:19:33.000 Big shout-out, Willie.

00:19:35.000 He's got them all around his waist.

00:19:37.000 But I think he's a martial arts guy too.

00:19:40.000 He ain't seen it before.

00:19:40.000 He makes noises and stuff like...

00:19:43.000 Okay, yeah.

00:19:44.000 I haven't seen that guy in forever.

00:19:46.000 He lives in London.

00:19:47.000 Willie Robocop made this, I am Robocop.

00:19:50.000 Yeah.

00:19:50.000 Is he still doing stand-up in London?

00:19:52.000 Yeah.

00:19:53.000 Interesting.

00:19:54.000 It's all over the UK. You ever do it over there in the UK? Yeah, I just did the O2. I did the arena up there.

00:19:59.000 It was fun.

00:20:00.000 It was fun.

00:20:01.000 I did the old pub when I was over there.

00:20:06.000 I've seen more of England than most English people.

00:20:08.000 Just on the train going here and there.

00:20:11.000 Little small towns.

00:20:12.000 Yeah.

00:20:13.000 I've had a good time though, man.

00:20:17.000 I guess that was in like the 2000s.

00:20:19.000 Did you do comedy in those small towns?

00:20:21.000 Yeah.

00:20:22.000 How was that?

00:20:22.000 Because they had these things.

00:20:24.000 They had junglers back then.

00:20:26.000 Junglers?

00:20:27.000 Junglers.

00:20:27.000 There was a chain of them.

00:20:28.000 And then they have the comedy store.

00:20:30.000 There's a chain of those.

00:20:31.000 And then they have this Slug and Lettuce.

00:20:33.000 We have Slug and Lettuce here.

00:20:34.000 It's like a little, like a restaurant.

00:20:37.000 Okay.

00:20:38.000 And so, boom.

00:20:39.000 At that time, they were having comedy six nights a week all over the country.

00:20:43.000 Just at some pub somewhere, somehow.

00:20:46.000 Wow.

00:20:47.000 Just hop around.

00:20:48.000 Yeah.

00:20:48.000 Me, Will Silvance, all those guys from over there we used to go over.

00:20:52.000 Wow.

00:20:53.000 Mody, who else?

00:20:55.000 You know a lot of those guys.

00:20:57.000 Patrice, everybody.

00:20:59.000 We also go.

00:21:00.000 The UK tours.

00:21:02.000 The UK tours.

00:21:03.000 It sounds good, but it was the same as doing North Carolina and Georgia, the Holiday Inns.

00:21:12.000 We just running around from spot to spot.

00:21:14.000 Everybody just talked different.

00:21:16.000 How did they receive the comedy?

00:21:18.000 They loved it.

00:21:19.000 Yeah?

00:21:19.000 Because the first time they saw this was with me, Red, Johnny, and the Round Guy.

00:21:22.000 I remember those guys.

00:21:24.000 Yeah.

00:21:25.000 Dave and...

00:21:26.000 What's his name?

00:21:29.000 Ian...

00:21:29.000 Edwards?

00:21:30.000 Ian Edwards, Renee Hicks, and Sully McCullough.

00:21:33.000 And we all went up to Edinburgh to do the Edinburgh Festival.

00:21:36.000 So that was dope.

00:21:39.000 You do that before?

00:21:39.000 No.

00:21:40.000 Never did that.

00:21:40.000 Yeah, it's wild.

00:21:41.000 It's like 30 days of just...

00:21:43.000 Really?

00:21:45.000 Every kind of show you can imagine.

00:21:48.000 Ari loves it.

00:21:49.000 Yeah.

00:21:50.000 Ari goes like every year.

00:21:52.000 Who else?

00:21:53.000 What's the other guy?

00:21:55.000 Matzker.

00:21:55.000 Kurt Matzker.

00:21:56.000 Yeah.

00:21:56.000 He goes a lot.

00:21:58.000 Yeah, he's perfect for that too.

00:21:59.000 Yeah.

00:22:00.000 Because it's August, but it's rainy.

00:22:03.000 It's cold.

00:22:05.000 You're like, I'm ready to get them out of here.

00:22:08.000 As a matter of fact, me and Greer had a show Across from the president when we were there.

00:22:14.000 This is back in the day.

00:22:16.000 The president of Ukraine.

00:22:19.000 Zelensky?

00:22:19.000 Yeah.

00:22:20.000 He had a show up there.

00:22:22.000 Me and Greg's show was here.

00:22:23.000 His show was here.

00:22:24.000 That was when he was a comedian.

00:22:25.000 Yeah, and the show upstairs was the puppetry of the penis.

00:22:28.000 Oh, that's right.

00:22:29.000 And they would play piano with their dicks.

00:22:31.000 Yeah, they'd do that.

00:22:31.000 And then after that, all the women come down.

00:22:33.000 Isn't that wild that that guy's the president of Ukraine and they're at war with Russia?

00:22:38.000 Yeah.

00:22:38.000 That guy, he did a show with them.

00:22:40.000 Yeah.

00:22:40.000 Well, I didn't do a show with him.

00:22:41.000 We all hung out together.

00:22:44.000 How crazy is that?

00:22:45.000 You were hanging out with the president of Ukraine.

00:22:47.000 The future president of Ukraine.

00:22:49.000 Imagine all the people who said, man, he smoked Newports with that dude.

00:22:52.000 Now he's the president.

00:22:53.000 We're talking about Obama.

00:22:55.000 Man, that dude, he smoked Newports behind him.

00:22:59.000 The president of Ukraine is a fucking comedian.

00:23:04.000 Wild.

00:23:07.000 Yeah, never mind.

00:23:10.000 I was thinking about the spaceship up there.

00:23:15.000 I remember one of the presidents that we had here, and he was doing a tour at Air Force Base, and the guy says, this is a stealth fighter.

00:23:23.000 He goes, yeah, it's invisible like Wonder Woman's plane.

00:23:28.000 You don't remember how he said that?

00:23:29.000 No.

00:23:29.000 He said that.

00:23:30.000 Well, he's incorrect.

00:23:31.000 Yeah, well...

00:23:33.000 He says they call this a stealth fighter because it gets invisible like Wonder Woman.

00:23:40.000 Yeah, you just can't see it on radar.

00:23:41.000 You can look at it.

00:23:42.000 It's right there.

00:23:43.000 I wasn't impressed.

00:23:43.000 The Wonder Woman plane would go transparent so you could see the clouds.

00:23:46.000 Yeah.

00:23:47.000 That's next level shit.

00:23:50.000 They're gonna do that for sure because they already have clothes that can do that.

00:23:53.000 They have like a cloak that you can wear and the cloak will like transmit an image of what's behind you.

00:23:59.000 Ever seen that?

00:24:00.000 Yeah, so like a silk...

00:24:02.000 Yeah, like a LCD or LED screen.

00:24:05.000 It's really interesting.

00:24:06.000 They figured out how to do some weird stuff that makes it look like someone's invisible and things are invisible.

00:24:14.000 And it seems like a matter of time before they can apply that at a higher level.

00:24:19.000 Look at that.

00:24:19.000 That lady's standing right in front of something.

00:24:23.000 They used to do that.

00:24:23.000 Did you ever do Bruce Harris Club before it was the Stardome?

00:24:26.000 No.

00:24:27.000 Before it was the stardom, he had a...

00:24:29.000 He had a...

00:24:32.000 Whatever the screen is.

00:24:34.000 Can you keep that up?

00:24:35.000 What is that object she's using to do that?

00:24:40.000 Is that a thing she's holding in front of her?

00:24:42.000 Yeah.

00:24:43.000 It seems like she's holding a screen.

00:24:46.000 Yeah.

00:24:46.000 And it looks like she has...

00:24:48.000 Little crystals on it?

00:24:49.000 It looks like she has camo pants on.

00:24:51.000 So that's a little misleading.

00:24:53.000 So she's got camo pants on standing in front of that tree, and then the thing is showing the image of the tree behind her.

00:25:00.000 Wow.

00:25:02.000 Yeah, they could apply that to a plane, for sure.

00:25:05.000 And then, you know, with the stealth technology, you can't see it.

00:25:08.000 The Predator did that.

00:25:08.000 Remember the Predator?

00:25:09.000 Exactly.

00:25:10.000 Yeah, that's what he did.

00:25:11.000 That's exactly the thing.

00:25:12.000 I'm like, yeah.

00:25:13.000 The thing on his wrist.

00:25:15.000 The language.

00:25:16.000 The alien language.

00:25:17.000 Boy, if that's what the aliens are like, we're fucked.

00:25:20.000 Yeah.

00:25:21.000 But he was just on a hunting trip.

00:25:22.000 He was no different than you.

00:25:24.000 He was just going to kill some animals.

00:25:26.000 Yeah, but he's just taking their heads.

00:25:28.000 He's just rude.

00:25:29.000 I eat them.

00:25:30.000 He doesn't even eat them.

00:25:31.000 Kills all those nice people.

00:25:34.000 What do you think about big game hunters?

00:25:39.000 Like the people who go to Africa?

00:25:42.000 Africa is a very complicated situation because Africa has more wild game right now than any time over the last few decades.

00:25:53.000 And the reason why they have that is because they made it very valuable.

00:25:57.000 So these people set up these large wild game camps and people from all over the world come there and they pay a lot of money and they hunt.

00:26:05.000 And they can hunt anything.

00:26:07.000 Wildebeest, giraffes.

00:26:07.000 They can't take it with them, right?

00:26:09.000 They can't bring it back with them.

00:26:11.000 And they can eat the meat while they're there and they'll donate the meat to the villages, which they very much appreciate.

00:26:18.000 My friends who've been over there said it is actually a very nice feeling.

00:26:21.000 What about like lions?

00:26:22.000 They don't do that.

00:26:22.000 Nope, they don't eat the lions.

00:26:24.000 No.

00:26:24.000 Lions is just...

00:26:27.000 It's just like to say you hunted a lion, the thrill of hunting a lion.

00:26:33.000 And then there's the conservation aspect of it.

00:26:35.000 They do have to kill a certain amount of lions.

00:26:37.000 They have a population control that they do.

00:26:41.000 Remember when Cecil the lion got killed and everybody freaked out?

00:26:44.000 They shut down lion hunting and then they had a surplus of lions.

00:26:48.000 And then lions were killing too much antelope and undulates.

00:26:51.000 So then they had to send in hunters, like professional killers, to kill the lions.

00:26:55.000 Do you remember this movie that Kirk Douglas was in?

00:26:58.000 Yeah.

00:26:59.000 The Ghost in the Darkness.

00:27:01.000 So come to find out, that's a true story.

00:27:03.000 Yes.

00:27:03.000 And they did the thing on the lions, and one of the lions...

00:27:08.000 He had an injury.

00:27:11.000 He had hurt his jaw, his tooth or something, like a real bad...

00:27:13.000 Like a bullet hole?

00:27:14.000 No, like biting something big.

00:27:18.000 He broke a tooth.

00:27:19.000 And so that's why he was hunting humans because...

00:27:22.000 It's easy.

00:27:23.000 Yeah, easier.

00:27:23.000 It's like eating cotton candy as opposed to that.

00:27:27.000 Right, eating a rhino.

00:27:28.000 The other one was fine, but I guess that was like, all right, man, you're on this special diet.

00:27:32.000 I'm on it with you, son.

00:27:33.000 Yeah.

00:27:33.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:27:35.000 Let's go get these motherfuckers in.

00:27:37.000 Well, once you eat us, it's probably so easy.

00:27:40.000 If we don't taste absolutely terrible, The lion pair was said to have killed 135 people.

00:27:47.000 Boom.

00:27:47.000 Holy shit.

00:27:49.000 1898. And tell him why his...

00:27:52.000 Because one of them had...

00:27:53.000 Yeah, right there.

00:27:54.000 So his little lion breath probably stunk like shit.

00:27:57.000 Stunk.

00:27:57.000 It said the Sabo man-eaters are the most widely studied man-eating pantherine cats, given their behavior of hunting humans as a pair, as well as dental injuries reported in one of the lions.

00:28:09.000 A cause commonly attributed to big cats turning to humans as prey.

00:28:14.000 And these dudes was weird, too, because they didn't have mane.

00:28:18.000 They were both males.

00:28:20.000 Oh, like that?

00:28:21.000 Is that what they looked like?

00:28:22.000 Yeah.

00:28:22.000 Wow.

00:28:23.000 How come they didn't have manes?

00:28:25.000 Yeah, so they were equivalent of a guy with a big butt.

00:28:29.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:28:32.000 But why didn't they have manes?

00:28:34.000 I don't know.

00:28:35.000 That's so strange.

00:28:36.000 Yeah, these two dudes, the poster boys were strange.

00:28:39.000 Does it say anything about why they didn't have manes?

00:28:42.000 That's so fascinating.

00:28:43.000 Yeah, no manes and his breath.

00:28:46.000 I thought all the males had manes.

00:28:48.000 And these two dudes, so they were already outcast, no manes, bad breath.

00:28:55.000 Yeah, they got nothing.

00:28:56.000 They just go down to a railroad track and eat some dudes.

00:28:59.000 That's what they're doing.

00:29:00.000 Imagine, you know, you're spending your whole life trying to kill a zebra.

00:29:03.000 They're fast as fuck.

00:29:04.000 You gotta sneak up on them.

00:29:06.000 You gotta get them.

00:29:07.000 And then you find these people like, oh, Jesus!

00:29:09.000 Yeah.

00:29:09.000 They can't even run.

00:29:10.000 They'll stumble over their own feet.

00:29:12.000 They're wearing shoes.

00:29:13.000 You just take them out.

00:29:14.000 And like, oh, my God, this is so much easier.

00:29:16.000 We can get fat.

00:29:17.000 Yeah, and no work.

00:29:19.000 They don't have to run.

00:29:20.000 No work.

00:29:20.000 It's just like...

00:29:21.000 They can't even see at night.

00:29:23.000 Yes.

00:29:23.000 These morons.

00:29:24.000 And they were all railroad workers or something like that.

00:29:27.000 Yeah.

00:29:28.000 You just wait until someone has to piss.

00:29:30.000 Yeah.

00:29:32.000 Savo males look different as well.

00:29:33.000 The most vigorous Serengeti males sport large manes while the Savo they have short, thin manes or none at all.

00:29:39.000 It's all about water, Patterson says.

00:29:41.000 Savo is hotter and drier than the Serengeti and a male with a heavy mane would squander his daily water allowance by simply panting under a bush with none despair for patrolling his territory, hunting or finding mates.

00:29:54.000 Oh, wow.

00:29:55.000 That's why there's rockin' ball heads.

00:29:57.000 That's wild.

00:29:59.000 I did not know that.

00:30:00.000 So are there lions like that right now that are there?

00:30:02.000 See if you can find, like, male lions out there with no manes.

00:30:07.000 Wow.

00:30:09.000 That's interesting.

00:30:10.000 I didn't know that existed.

00:30:12.000 Well, have you guys been watching Chimp Empire?

00:30:15.000 Yes!

00:30:15.000 I had the guy in it who directed it.

00:30:18.000 How many years did that take?

00:30:20.000 Oh, look at them.

00:30:20.000 Well, here's the deal.

00:30:22.000 They had set up, scientists had set up research there 30 years ago.

00:30:27.000 So they had been continually studying these chimps and they had like very specific rules of engagement.

00:30:33.000 You can't ever eat in front of them.

00:30:34.000 You can't be closer than 20 feet.

00:30:37.000 Or was it 20 yards?

00:30:38.000 20 yards.

00:30:39.000 You can't be closer than 20 yards.

00:30:40.000 They were right there with them.

00:30:42.000 So they're right there with these chimps, man.

00:30:45.000 And so they're like filming everything and the chimps get accustomed to the people being there because the people never interact with the chimps.

00:30:52.000 And if the chimps walk towards the people, the people just back away.

00:30:56.000 And again, you can never eat in front of them.

00:30:58.000 Ever.

00:30:59.000 Because they'll just steal your food and fuck you up.

00:31:01.000 What blew me away was when they ate monkeys.

00:31:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:31:04.000 I was like, dude, that's okay.

00:31:06.000 They eat a lot of monkeys.

00:31:08.000 Yeah, David Attenborough, I think, was the first guy that captured that on film on the BBC, and I remember watching that.

00:31:16.000 You see this little monkey, and he's still alive, and the chimp is eating him from the asshole first.

00:31:23.000 And I always thought that they were like vegetarians.

00:31:25.000 I thought they were like gorillas.

00:31:27.000 Gorillas don't eat meat.

00:31:28.000 No, they don't eat meat.

00:31:30.000 I thought it was just a rant.

00:31:32.000 No, they're baboons.

00:31:33.000 I thought they were the only one who ate.

00:31:35.000 Yeah, I didn't know either until I watched that documentary, but they eat a lot of monkeys.

00:31:40.000 And this is one of the things that he was kind of like reluctant to talk about, the director.

00:31:44.000 I'm like, how often do they eat monkeys?

00:31:46.000 He's like...

00:31:47.000 All the time.

00:31:48.000 Every time they can.

00:31:50.000 Every time they can.

00:31:51.000 It's like, with us, it's like fast food, like literal fast food.

00:31:55.000 There you go.

00:31:56.000 There you go.

00:31:58.000 It's just...

00:31:59.000 I was thinking they ate them because they had tails.

00:32:01.000 So they don't consider them apes.

00:32:04.000 I don't think they have morals.

00:32:06.000 Yeah.

00:32:06.000 I think it's just survival of the fittest.

00:32:08.000 When you eat somebody from the ass backwards.

00:32:11.000 And the way the monkey was screaming.

00:32:14.000 It's like they're so close to us.

00:32:18.000 So when we see them getting eaten, even though we're getting eaten by something that's even closer to us, it still is like, what?

00:32:25.000 Yeah.

00:32:26.000 But people eat monkeys.

00:32:28.000 That's a lot of the tribespeople.

00:32:30.000 Pigeon eating chicken.

00:32:32.000 Right, right.

00:32:33.000 Or chickens eating birds.

00:32:36.000 They eat birds.

00:32:37.000 Yeah.

00:32:38.000 Well, I guess birds of prey eat other birds, too.

00:32:40.000 Oh, yeah.

00:32:41.000 All the time.

00:32:42.000 Yeah, I mean, there's crazy videos of seagulls.

00:32:46.000 Seagulls, they're just swallowing whole pigeons.

00:32:50.000 Have you ever seen them do that?

00:32:51.000 They swallow ducks.

00:32:52.000 Yeah, they just...

00:32:54.000 Pelicans?

00:32:55.000 Pelicans swallow ducks.

00:32:57.000 I know pelicans were that big.

00:32:58.000 Pelicans swallow seagulls.

00:32:59.000 Yeah, pelicans are big as shit.

00:33:01.000 They're so big.

00:33:02.000 When they swallow shit, it's crazy because the thing realizes that it got caught.

00:33:07.000 You see it moving around inside of its mouth and it can't do shit about it.

00:33:12.000 See if you can find, like, Pelican Eats Pigeon.

00:33:18.000 What about on that Chimp Empire when they got the leader, they got him, and all his boys ran?

00:33:25.000 Yeah.

00:33:26.000 Look at this.

00:33:29.000 Jesus Christ.

00:33:30.000 Look at him throwing that thing back.

00:33:32.000 Well, he's still scratching.

00:33:33.000 Yeah.

00:33:34.000 Well, it's still in there.

00:33:35.000 Yeah.

00:33:37.000 Oh, God.

00:33:38.000 Oh, he's in Central Park somewhere?

00:33:40.000 I don't know where that is.

00:33:42.000 Yeah, it looks like people just walking by.

00:33:44.000 Look at that.

00:33:45.000 Look at him forcing it down.

00:33:47.000 That's crazy.

00:33:48.000 Get in there, bitch.

00:33:49.000 That bird's moving around inside of his neck.

00:33:55.000 Have you ever seen a seagull eat a rat?

00:33:59.000 Ever seen a seagull eat a rat?

00:34:00.000 That's more impressive.

00:34:02.000 Seagulls eating rats.

00:34:03.000 It's wild.

00:34:04.000 They just throw them all back.

00:34:05.000 A seagull eats a rabbit?

00:34:07.000 Rat?

00:34:08.000 Pigeon?

00:34:08.000 Squirrel?

00:34:09.000 Let's go with rat.

00:34:09.000 It's the most disturbing.

00:34:11.000 My voice does sound a little fucked up.

00:34:14.000 I think I'm going to have to take these out.

00:34:17.000 Oh, is that cat going to eat that bird?

00:34:19.000 No, this is a seagull who's going to eat a rat.

00:34:21.000 Look at him throwing this bitch back.

00:34:24.000 Look at it.

00:34:25.000 Just throwing it back.

00:34:27.000 Oh, come on.

00:34:28.000 Yeah.

00:34:29.000 It probably tastes nasty, too, and he's like, Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm doing this.

00:34:35.000 Ugh.

00:34:36.000 Yeah, how long do you think you can eat swallowing rats whole and live?

00:34:40.000 Ugh.

00:34:42.000 I mean, how many of those could you eat before your whole body is just filled with toxins?

00:34:47.000 And that rat was dead.

00:34:49.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:50.000 Probably for a long time.

00:34:51.000 And probably dead with poison.

00:34:52.000 Poison, yeah.

00:34:53.000 Yeah.

00:34:54.000 Yeah, that's one of the things that happens at the Hollywood Hills.

00:34:58.000 They kill a lot of owls inadvertently because they're poisoning the rats.

00:35:02.000 And the rats are running around.

00:35:04.000 Owls eat the rats.

00:35:05.000 Owls get poisoned.

00:35:10.000 We have an overrun of rats in D.C. And the rats behave like squirrels.

00:35:15.000 They just pop out.

00:35:17.000 They don't give up.

00:35:19.000 But people are training their dogs.

00:35:22.000 Do you go after rats?

00:35:24.000 I know you guys have seen that video.

00:35:26.000 Yeah, but your dog can get rabies.

00:35:28.000 Your dog can get all kinds of shit.

00:35:29.000 I mean, most likely it won't.

00:35:30.000 Most likely your dog will fuck up a rat.

00:35:32.000 Yeah, and they're saying for people to please curb your dog because the dogs eat dog food, which is high in protein, and the rats eat...

00:35:41.000 Oh, whoa.

00:35:42.000 This hawk got that rat.

00:35:44.000 It's still fucking running.

00:35:45.000 Hawks are fucking awesome.

00:35:47.000 Yes.

00:35:48.000 They're so awesome.

00:35:51.000 He just starts ripping it apart.

00:35:54.000 There's a ton of videos of eagles killing birds.

00:35:57.000 Oh!

00:35:58.000 Son!

00:36:00.000 Play that again.

00:36:01.000 Play that part again.

00:36:03.000 Oh!

00:36:04.000 Mama!

00:36:05.000 Off with his head.

00:36:06.000 Give me that bitch.

00:36:08.000 Jesus Christ.

00:36:09.000 He's going yum-a-dee-yum.

00:36:11.000 There's no morals involved in this.

00:36:13.000 There's no thinking.

00:36:14.000 No nerves.

00:36:17.000 No remorse.

00:36:18.000 That's got to be a hard way to go, too.

00:36:20.000 That's a hard way to go.

00:36:21.000 Because you're in shock.

00:36:22.000 All of a sudden, these giant hands with claws that dig into your ribcage, and you already know you're dead.

00:36:29.000 That thing's grabbing you and it's flying off with you, you already know you're dead.

00:36:32.000 You're suffocating because he's way up there.

00:36:34.000 Well, you're bleeding out from your ribs, too.

00:36:36.000 You've got holes in your ribs now.

00:36:37.000 You've probably got a punctured lung.

00:36:39.000 They're crushing you.

00:36:39.000 Just go ahead and eat me already, motherfucker.

00:36:41.000 Jesus Christ.

00:36:43.000 On my way here today, a bird dropped out of the sky when I was at a red light, and I was like, what the fuck was that?

00:36:49.000 Oh, Tesla record.

00:36:50.000 Let me find out later.

00:36:51.000 Oh, wow.

00:36:52.000 I think a bigger bird got a bird, and its friends were trying to, like, get it back.

00:36:59.000 And they dropped them.

00:37:00.000 The bigger one just dropped it.

00:37:02.000 Whoa.

00:37:02.000 Because I could see other birds flying around as they went by, but...

00:37:05.000 Yeah, bird on bird warfare is going on all the time.

00:37:08.000 Like if you just throw out stuff for the seagulls, you give it to one of them, and they go, no, bitch, give me that.

00:37:13.000 I was watching a bunch of crows chase off a hawk.

00:37:18.000 There was all these crows that were swarming in on this hawk, trying to get the fucking hawk out of there.

00:37:24.000 Because the hawk will eat their babies.

00:37:26.000 Get out of here, bitch.

00:37:26.000 But hawks...

00:37:29.000 As far as flying, the Falcon is the one who can maneuver real good.

00:37:34.000 They're really fast.

00:37:34.000 The Falcon's really fast.

00:37:36.000 They come in dive bombing like 200 miles an hour.

00:37:39.000 The Hulk's more like a vet.

00:37:41.000 Right.

00:37:43.000 But he can't.

00:37:44.000 Yeah.

00:37:45.000 Well, they just swarm on him.

00:37:47.000 Just fuck with him until he quits.

00:37:49.000 Until he's burning off so much energy and he's so word out.

00:37:52.000 He's like, I'll go find something else to eat.

00:37:54.000 Have you ever done the comedy festivals in Australia?

00:38:00.000 No.

00:38:01.000 Man.

00:38:02.000 So it's me and Al Lubel.

00:38:03.000 You know Al Lubel?

00:38:04.000 Yeah.

00:38:06.000 And it looks like, on Batman, you know, when they do the bat symbol?

00:38:10.000 Uh-huh.

00:38:11.000 Because you're just looking down at the ground.

00:38:13.000 We had no idea about the fruit bats in Australia.

00:38:15.000 You know, they're like, they're like this big, right?

00:38:18.000 So you walk in, and it's just like, you see that, like, hmm, must be a nightclub or something.

00:38:23.000 And then you see a whole bunch of them, and look up, and like, ow, look at that!

00:38:27.000 Me, Isle of Bell, grill bars, and I was freaking out.

00:38:32.000 He had his coat over his head and stuff.

00:38:35.000 And he was just swimming by.

00:38:37.000 Look how big they are.

00:38:38.000 They're like chihuahuas.

00:38:41.000 Are they really that size?

00:38:42.000 They are big.

00:38:43.000 Look at this big.

00:38:44.000 Oh, my God.

00:38:45.000 Is that person holding one?

00:38:46.000 And they're right in the city.

00:38:47.000 Scroll down a little, Jamie?

00:38:49.000 No worries.

00:38:49.000 See, they're right in the city.

00:38:51.000 They're not...

00:38:51.000 Look at the size of that thing.

00:38:52.000 You don't have to go to the woods to see these motherfuckers.

00:38:54.000 Look at that lady holding one at the top.

00:38:57.000 Look at the size of these things.

00:38:59.000 Look, and that's right at her house.

00:39:00.000 That's not in the wilderness.

00:39:01.000 That's right downtown Sydney.

00:39:03.000 Wow.

00:39:04.000 Oh my God.

00:39:06.000 What do those things eat?

00:39:07.000 Fruit.

00:39:09.000 Look at it.

00:39:09.000 Jesus.

00:39:11.000 Literally like flying chihuahuas.

00:39:13.000 Yes.

00:39:14.000 Australia is a wild place.

00:39:17.000 So we were there and they have a big gala for the comedians.

00:39:23.000 And it's right in Chinatown.

00:39:25.000 And they said, hey, be careful because the triad is over to the little gang members.

00:39:31.000 But they dress like they're in a video.

00:39:33.000 They don't look like they should fight with what they got on.

00:39:36.000 They got little suits and shit like that.

00:39:38.000 Okay.

00:39:40.000 So me being the big, tough American, I'm like, yo, I walk into the car.

00:39:44.000 Because she has a train on her dress and everything.

00:39:47.000 It's a black tie thing.

00:39:48.000 Right.

00:39:48.000 And we walk into the car and I saw the biggest rat ever coming down the alley.

00:39:54.000 He's just galloping right towards me.

00:39:56.000 I'm like, yo, look at the rat.

00:39:57.000 Yo, look at the rat.

00:39:58.000 And she goes, she looks over and she goes, aww.

00:40:01.000 But by then, Tony was gone.

00:40:04.000 And she's just, I can't believe you ran.

00:40:07.000 I can't believe you didn't run.

00:40:09.000 What the fuck?

00:40:10.000 I didn't know.

00:40:11.000 It was an opossum.

00:40:12.000 Their opossum.

00:40:13.000 Oh, right.

00:40:15.000 So he's like a giant monkey rat.

00:40:17.000 Yeah.

00:40:18.000 And he's coming down the alley.

00:40:20.000 You know, and I'm trying to tell her, like, come on, come on, come on.

00:40:24.000 And she's more worried about her shoes and shit.

00:40:28.000 My dog got one of those in the yard the other day, and it played dead, and he just left it.

00:40:31.000 A real possum?

00:40:32.000 American possum?

00:40:33.000 Yeah.

00:40:34.000 They have the creepiest faces, like...

00:40:37.000 But they do play possum.

00:40:39.000 Yeah, they play possum, and it works.

00:40:41.000 I watched a video the other day of one getting attacked Australian possums.

00:40:46.000 Yes, that's him.

00:40:47.000 Yeah, that's what she said.

00:40:48.000 She said, aw, that's a cute little guy.

00:40:51.000 Fuck that dude, man.

00:40:52.000 With his little pink little nose.

00:40:53.000 He was coming down the alley.

00:40:55.000 He was coming.

00:40:56.000 Running at you.

00:40:56.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:40:57.000 That's pretty big.

00:40:58.000 Yeah.

00:40:58.000 That's pretty big.

00:40:59.000 Oh, yeah.

00:41:00.000 And it's dark.

00:41:00.000 In the alley, it's dark.

00:41:01.000 It's dark.

00:41:02.000 A giant rat.

00:41:03.000 Yeah, giant rat.

00:41:04.000 Jesus Christ.

00:41:05.000 Look at his eyes.

00:41:05.000 Red eyes.

00:41:05.000 Look at his eyes.

00:41:06.000 Rabies.

00:41:07.000 I'm going to get rabies in London.

00:41:09.000 Fuck this.

00:41:10.000 You should hear it.

00:41:10.000 I told her.

00:41:11.000 I said, I'll fight them dudes.

00:41:12.000 I said it out loud.

00:41:13.000 I'll fight them dudes.

00:41:16.000 She waited right until the last moment and looked over and go, aw.

00:41:22.000 Aw.

00:41:23.000 Tony was gone.

00:41:25.000 Peace, bitch.

00:41:28.000 I saw a video of a coyote.

00:41:30.000 He gets a possum.

00:41:31.000 The possum plays possum.

00:41:33.000 And while the possum's laying there, the coyote pisses on it.

00:41:36.000 And then walks away.

00:41:38.000 He left it there.

00:41:39.000 Why did he do that?

00:41:40.000 I don't know.

00:41:42.000 I guess he just wanted it.

00:41:44.000 He killed it.

00:41:44.000 He's like, good, I got it.

00:41:45.000 Let me just leave it there.

00:41:46.000 I'll eat it later.

00:41:47.000 Let it rot out a little bit.

00:41:49.000 So he snatches it.

00:41:53.000 And it just plays dead.

00:41:54.000 It stops moving.

00:41:55.000 So he's like, oh, all right, I guess it's dead.

00:41:58.000 So he moves it around a little bit.

00:42:00.000 It's playing dead.

00:42:01.000 So he thinks it's really dead.

00:42:02.000 So he pisses on it.

00:42:04.000 Just to mark it.

00:42:05.000 Yeah, watch.

00:42:06.000 Gets over it.

00:42:07.000 He's like, okay, this is mine, bitch.

00:42:08.000 Somebody comes by.

00:42:10.000 I'm going to let these motherfuckers know.

00:42:11.000 Should I piss on my food?

00:42:13.000 Yeah, I probably should.

00:42:15.000 Let me piss on it real quick.

00:42:17.000 He's just pissing on his food.

00:42:19.000 He's labelling his lunch.

00:42:20.000 He's pissing on his lunch.

00:42:22.000 Maybe that helps the food break down.

00:42:26.000 Maybe it's a marinade of some sort.

00:42:28.000 Does he get up?

00:42:28.000 Does he leave after that?

00:42:29.000 He just left it there.

00:42:30.000 Because that's what they do a lot of times with cats.

00:42:32.000 They'll kill them, and then they'll come back later and eat them when they're stiff.

00:42:36.000 I think they like them a little maggoty.

00:42:38.000 When they stink.

00:42:39.000 Yeah.

00:42:40.000 Well, a lot of animals do that.

00:42:42.000 They bury their food after they kill it.

00:42:45.000 I guess it's like curing meat or something.

00:42:48.000 Well, I would imagine it gets a lot more moist or a lot more tender if all the meat is breaking down.

00:42:55.000 It's not as gamey.

00:42:56.000 No.

00:42:58.000 I think they're probably just...

00:43:00.000 Well, I mean, maybe they develop a taste for it.

00:43:03.000 Well, who is this?

00:43:05.000 I had him on the internet the other day.

00:43:07.000 He's like just the baddest little dude.

00:43:09.000 Honey Badger?

00:43:10.000 You ever see one of them?

00:43:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:43:11.000 Yeah, I saw.

00:43:13.000 He fights...

00:43:14.000 He's just an asshole.

00:43:15.000 He's just a bad little dude.

00:43:17.000 Ferocious little animal.

00:43:18.000 Yeah.

00:43:19.000 Yeah.

00:43:20.000 This is good, man.

00:43:22.000 Because I have problems with animals all the time.

00:43:25.000 You have problems with animals?

00:43:26.000 They just, I don't know.

00:43:27.000 I got attacked by like, what's it called, pygmy goats?

00:43:33.000 Really?

00:43:33.000 Goats are mean sometimes.

00:43:34.000 This was like a children's thing.

00:43:37.000 Yeah.

00:43:37.000 And we're in London, and it was kind of embarrassing.

00:43:40.000 As a matter of fact, it was me, Brad John Eataround guy, and Stu Kamens.

00:43:45.000 And we're in the children's zoo of London.

00:43:48.000 And we walk by.

00:43:49.000 I'm the only Virgo.

00:43:52.000 And this little monkey jumped on the thing.

00:43:54.000 He just started screaming right at me.

00:43:57.000 I'm like, really, dude?

00:43:59.000 You gonna fucking do that right here?

00:44:02.000 You gonna fucking do that, you bastard.

00:44:04.000 And then we go to feed the little goats, the little pebbles.

00:44:08.000 And I had on these red Nikes.

00:44:11.000 And every little goat and that motherfucker just started going crazy.

00:44:14.000 Then again, I was the asshole again, because I kicked one.

00:44:17.000 I was like, yo.

00:44:19.000 And then they knew you kicked them, and so then they came after you.

00:44:22.000 The kids were like, the little kids, because the goats were just making a beeline for my sneakers.

00:44:27.000 Trying to eat them?

00:44:29.000 Yeah, just chewing on them and just fucking with them, yeah.

00:44:33.000 Red Johnny was crying.

00:44:36.000 Because you know, he does this when he laughs.

00:44:39.000 I saw him the other day.

00:44:40.000 He looks like Miami Vice.

00:44:43.000 What's he doing these days?

00:44:45.000 He's Bender.

00:44:48.000 You didn't know that.

00:44:48.000 What do you mean?

00:44:49.000 He's Bender.

00:44:50.000 What does that mean?

00:44:52.000 Futurama.

00:44:53.000 Oh.

00:44:54.000 He's been Bender the whole time.

00:44:56.000 I don't even...

00:44:56.000 What's Futurama?

00:44:57.000 It's a cartoon.

00:44:58.000 The cartoon, right?

00:44:59.000 Yeah.

00:45:00.000 I never watched that show.

00:45:01.000 I heard it's really good.

00:45:02.000 When you hear his voice, you go, oh shit.

00:45:04.000 See, look at Johnny.

00:45:05.000 Oh, look at that.

00:45:08.000 They were funny together, man.

00:45:09.000 Red Johnny and the Round Guy was a funny combination, too.

00:45:12.000 Yeah, if I knew it was going to be this type of party.

00:45:14.000 Remember I used to say that?

00:45:15.000 Yeah.

00:45:18.000 It's funny when you know guys as long as we have.

00:45:21.000 Yeah.

00:45:22.000 You know?

00:45:23.000 Look at them.

00:45:24.000 Look at them.

00:45:25.000 Kids.

00:45:26.000 I mean, Tony, I've known you for like 30 years.

00:45:29.000 Yeah.

00:45:29.000 Isn't that wild?

00:45:31.000 When I first came to New York, I was at 91. I just got released from the military.

00:45:39.000 And that one week, I did Caroline's Comedy Hour and Def Jam.

00:45:43.000 And I was like, boy, this Caroline is going to work out for me.

00:45:48.000 I had no idea Def Jam was going to blow like that, man.

00:45:53.000 Well, yeah, speaking of animals.

00:45:56.000 I had done something on Showtime.

00:45:58.000 It's called a Leslie Nielsen National Lampoon Comedy Playoffs.

00:46:03.000 They pick a comedian from all over the country, go out to Vegas.

00:46:06.000 We stayed in the Sahara Hotel.

00:46:08.000 Because my last name is Woods, I had a suite.

00:46:13.000 The other guys had a regular room, but I had a suite.

00:46:17.000 But on that show, I tell a joke about Bigfoot.

00:46:21.000 I never saw Bigfoot, but we were on training.

00:46:25.000 You do these training where you go make maps and all this shit.

00:46:29.000 And we heard him.

00:46:30.000 You heard Bigfoot?

00:46:31.000 Heard Bigfoot, heard him.

00:46:32.000 What's it sound like?

00:46:34.000 I could still do that.

00:46:37.000 He does that.

00:46:38.000 But everything you see on them stupid TV shows, that happened.

00:46:42.000 He threw a rock.

00:46:44.000 All the animals started running.

00:46:46.000 And the Marine, because, you know, he's the guy who knows where the markers are, but we didn't know where the markers were.

00:46:51.000 He's the one who says, hey, we're out of the perimeter.

00:46:54.000 Have you guys ever heard of Bigfoot?

00:46:56.000 He tells us.

00:46:57.000 He was Native American.

00:46:58.000 But he just said that.

00:47:00.000 Where were you guys?

00:47:01.000 What state?

00:47:02.000 Like Nova Scotia.

00:47:04.000 Nova Scotia.

00:47:04.000 Where they do cold weather training.

00:47:06.000 Hmm.

00:47:07.000 Yeah.

00:47:07.000 And you have to make your own map.

00:47:09.000 You sure they weren't fucking with you?

00:47:10.000 I'm pretty sure.

00:47:12.000 Who threw that rock?

00:47:13.000 Somebody that was fucking with you?

00:47:14.000 No.

00:47:15.000 Why are you fucking with the animals too?

00:47:17.000 All the animals ran too.

00:47:18.000 Remember how you said they know how to get away?

00:47:20.000 All these fuckers just did a little mass exodus.

00:47:25.000 I'm very skeptical of Bigfoot.

00:47:28.000 I've never seen him, but I never heard nothing like that either.

00:47:32.000 Did it sound like...

00:47:34.000 What was it similar to?

00:47:38.000 You ever hear Luther Vandross sing live?

00:47:42.000 Like when you hear him on the record, it's one thing, but when you hear him live, he's like that.

00:47:52.000 He didn't sound like that, but it was the same power.

00:47:55.000 Power, like hair on the back of your neck kind of, what the fuck?

00:47:58.000 Well, you know, bears do that sometimes.

00:48:01.000 Bears, especially when, what time of the year was it?

00:48:05.000 It was winter because you listen to the wind.

00:48:10.000 It sounds like a train coming.

00:48:12.000 You have to determine where the wind is coming from and get on a tree or something because a lot of the icicles are coming like darts.

00:48:20.000 Oh, wow.

00:48:21.000 Jesus.

00:48:22.000 And that night, I was joking around about it and everything.

00:48:27.000 And one of the officers says, you know, this is a facility and, you know, we don't...

00:48:31.000 I heard you're a comedian.

00:48:33.000 We don't make...

00:48:34.000 Basically, you can't go on stage and go, hey, guess where I was at?

00:48:39.000 So I just...

00:48:40.000 I was just...

00:48:41.000 In the joke, I'm just camping and we...

00:48:43.000 Oh, I see.

00:48:45.000 Yeah.

00:48:45.000 But there's nobody's in the military.

00:48:47.000 But we...

00:48:48.000 And in the joke, I actually do see Bigfoot.

00:48:51.000 It's a fight.

00:48:53.000 So tell me...

00:48:54.000 So how did it happen?

00:48:56.000 What was going on?

00:48:57.000 What were the circumstances?

00:48:59.000 Lay it out for me.

00:49:00.000 Okay.

00:49:01.000 You have...

00:49:04.000 Because it's cold and it's raining, so we're like in a little circle.

00:49:08.000 And it's kind of raining, kind of sleeting.

00:49:10.000 And we're talking about, you know, we're going to do this and do that because we're comparing shit and everybody's fucking up.

00:49:17.000 We found our third marker first.

00:49:20.000 It's supposed to be like a two- or three-day thing, right?

00:49:23.000 And the good teams, like you do it in the classroom for a couple days, and then a team goes out, a team comes back, a team goes out.

00:49:30.000 And some of the guys who weren't as good as us in the classroom were coming right back in two days.

00:49:35.000 They just spent the night.

00:49:36.000 Spent one night and came back.

00:49:37.000 Shit, man.

00:49:38.000 We was on our third day, dog.

00:49:41.000 And then our first marker was the third marker.

00:49:44.000 But he couldn't help us.

00:49:45.000 But then after we heard that, he's like, look.

00:49:48.000 You guys fucked up.

00:49:50.000 So how long did it take in total?

00:49:54.000 We laughed right after that, dawg.

00:49:56.000 He didn't want to be there in the morning, we wanted to be there.

00:50:02.000 So yeah, it's a lot of fudging going on.

00:50:05.000 Oh, okay.

00:50:06.000 So you said, yeah, good enough.

00:50:07.000 It's good enough, yeah.

00:50:08.000 So you guys were out there and explain to me what happened and who was telling you that it's Bigfoot.

00:50:14.000 Well, we all heard it.

00:50:15.000 Everybody's like, what the fuck?

00:50:17.000 And then everything's running, deer, and everything's just like scurrying.

00:50:21.000 But we heard the...

00:50:22.000 You know how you throw a stick through the branches?

00:50:27.000 It's just like a big something just flew through the trees.

00:50:31.000 And then that's when he's kind of...

00:50:34.000 Of course, we're like, fuck out of here.

00:50:36.000 Right.

00:50:37.000 But it was just too weird.

00:50:41.000 And he was like, yeah, you guys missed your other markers.

00:50:44.000 I might know where they are.

00:50:46.000 So we just kind of went and got on our markers and went back to the base.

00:50:51.000 Because we're out, dude.

00:50:53.000 We're out like 20 miles.

00:50:55.000 Out there with Bigfoot.

00:50:57.000 Well, I wasn't really worried about Bigfoot because according to that dude, Bigfoot don't bother you.

00:51:03.000 I was worried about the other animals.

00:51:05.000 So that dude's seen Bigfoot before?

00:51:07.000 I don't know if he's seen him before, but he just said he just lets you know when you've gone too far in the woods.

00:51:14.000 Really?

00:51:15.000 I want to believe this.

00:51:16.000 Nobody ever says that he grabs you and do nothing.

00:51:19.000 He just does warning things.

00:51:21.000 Just like on those stupid TV shows.

00:51:23.000 You ever watch those shows?

00:51:24.000 Oh, we think we heard the Sasquatch.

00:51:28.000 That's been the least successful, successful show ever.

00:51:31.000 They've been trying to find Bigfoot for like eight seasons.

00:51:33.000 I've spent a whole day on the road, like if I'm in my hotel, I've spent the whole day, oh shit, they about to get it.

00:51:40.000 Oh shit.

00:51:42.000 Yeah, me too.

00:51:44.000 And then I'm like, it's five o'clock.

00:51:45.000 They got me again.

00:51:46.000 Fuck, I gotta go get something to eat.

00:51:49.000 Yeah, those aren't so successful.

00:51:52.000 Yeah.

00:51:53.000 I mean, the best they get is like a sound.

00:51:56.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:51:57.000 That's all I got.

00:51:58.000 Reality shows, man, they're not really reality.

00:52:02.000 They fuck around.

00:52:03.000 They fuck around with editing.

00:52:05.000 You know, I was on one of those.

00:52:07.000 Do you do the naked one?

00:52:09.000 A naked one?

00:52:09.000 A naked and confused?

00:52:11.000 Yeah.

00:52:11.000 No, naked and...

00:52:12.000 What's it called?

00:52:12.000 Afraid.

00:52:12.000 Naked and afraid.

00:52:14.000 Yeah.

00:52:16.000 I had a uniform on and we all got bugs.

00:52:20.000 The suffering.

00:52:24.000 Also, I don't know.

00:52:27.000 How bad can you get fucked up and how quickly can they get you to a hospital?

00:52:32.000 Like you said, where are the watchers?

00:52:34.000 Where are the people?

00:52:36.000 This is not safe.

00:52:38.000 The one time the lady, her snatch was all swollen.

00:52:42.000 Oh.

00:52:43.000 They had bitter all up and everything because her cycle came.

00:52:47.000 Yeah!

00:52:48.000 How about that show Alone?

00:52:51.000 See that show, Alone?

00:52:52.000 Yeah.

00:52:53.000 The dude I had on the show, he shot a moose with a bow and arrow, and then he had to kill a wolverine that was trying to steal his moose.

00:53:01.000 And he was naked through all of that?

00:53:03.000 No, no.

00:53:08.000 Fucking A. No, he wouldn't have made it.

00:53:10.000 Yeah, no.

00:53:11.000 Alone is a show where you're allowed to have a certain amount of things, right?

00:53:15.000 We had Jordan Jonas on the podcast.

00:53:16.000 He's a guy who won.

00:53:17.000 I think he won season six.

00:53:19.000 Is that what he won?

00:53:20.000 Do you remember?

00:53:23.000 Tony, your phone's ringing.

00:53:25.000 Kill that shit.

00:53:27.000 That dude shot a moose with a bow and arrow.

00:53:34.000 Do you not know how to do that?

00:53:35.000 This is like a little switch.

00:53:36.000 Want to give it to me?

00:53:36.000 I ended up taking a picture.

00:53:37.000 Oh, I'll show you that.

00:53:39.000 Make it vibrate.

00:53:40.000 You just hit this little thing down.

00:53:42.000 I thought it was...

00:53:42.000 It vibrated all the other times.

00:53:45.000 Oh, it has to pop up.

00:53:46.000 That's what it is.

00:53:47.000 You have a phone case that has, like, a cover over your buttons.

00:53:50.000 Because I drop my phone a lot.

00:53:52.000 How much do you drop it?

00:53:53.000 All right, now it's on.

00:53:54.000 But I always do this.

00:53:56.000 Like, I drop it, but I always catch it or kick it so that it never hits the screen.

00:54:01.000 It's like...

00:54:02.000 And then bam!

00:54:03.000 And then hit that part.

00:54:04.000 Jamie's one of those risk takers.

00:54:07.000 You just got a naked phone.

00:54:08.000 Naked phone.

00:54:09.000 You got a case now.

00:54:11.000 It's got coverage on the corners.

00:54:14.000 Oh, right.

00:54:15.000 That's the latest thing.

00:54:16.000 And that's been enough for you?

00:54:17.000 Yeah, I dropped it just the other day.

00:54:19.000 And this girl's like, oh, there's the one.

00:54:21.000 I didn't know that putting it on your waist was an old man thing.

00:54:25.000 That's an old man move.

00:54:26.000 Yeah, I know.

00:54:26.000 Because I do that.

00:54:27.000 My son's like, what you doing, man?

00:54:28.000 You never see a hot girl with a phone on her hip.

00:54:31.000 Like a clip.

00:54:33.000 If you saw a girl, like a hot girl with like an iPhone Max on her hip, you're like, what the fuck is wrong with her?

00:54:40.000 It's weird, right?

00:54:42.000 You're like, she's weird.

00:54:43.000 I will go, that is so convenient, isn't it?

00:54:45.000 It's very convenient.

00:54:46.000 Yeah, because you can do this and you turn it that way.

00:54:50.000 But you know what ladies have now?

00:54:51.000 They have like a thing that goes around their neck.

00:54:53.000 It's almost like a purse.

00:54:54.000 Yeah.

00:54:58.000 Yeah.

00:55:18.000 Or something like that.

00:55:19.000 Something like that.

00:55:20.000 You know what I meant to say, man.

00:55:22.000 Yes, sir.

00:55:23.000 All your eggs in one basket.

00:55:24.000 Yeah.

00:55:25.000 Yeah, you always got to be thinking about that, I guess.

00:55:27.000 Convenience and thievery.

00:55:29.000 That's why fanny pack is the best move.

00:55:31.000 And wait, hold up.

00:55:33.000 You know Aruba Ray, right?

00:55:35.000 Ray Allen?

00:55:36.000 Okay.

00:55:36.000 You remember Ray Allen?

00:55:37.000 He does the show down at Aruba.

00:55:39.000 And I was down there, and what is this thing?

00:55:42.000 Is it Sea Urgent?

00:55:44.000 Yeah.

00:55:44.000 Yeah, that got me down there.

00:55:46.000 I didn't step on it.

00:55:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:47.000 Because that's fucked up.

00:55:48.000 But I just kind of...

00:55:49.000 I stepped on one of those.

00:55:51.000 I stepped on a fire ant hill on Saturday.

00:55:56.000 Not on Saturday.

00:55:57.000 On Tuesday.

00:55:58.000 On 4th of July.

00:55:59.000 Are those the big ones that bite?

00:56:00.000 No, they're little ones, but they fucked me up.

00:56:02.000 Where'd they get you at?

00:56:03.000 All over my foot.

00:56:05.000 Look at what my foot looks like.

00:56:06.000 I was swollen.

00:56:06.000 Fuck, man.

00:56:07.000 That was just yesterday.

00:56:10.000 How's your foot now?

00:56:11.000 It's fine.

00:56:11.000 Now it's normal.

00:56:14.000 But I got stung like 15 times.

00:56:17.000 My toes look like that anyway.

00:56:19.000 Look at that, Jamie.

00:56:22.000 As a matter of fact, I got the thing in my baby toe.

00:56:27.000 Because my baby toe tries to leave.

00:56:30.000 So you get the little rubber thing, bring it back up there.

00:56:33.000 Like yoga toes?

00:56:35.000 Yeah.

00:56:35.000 You see my toenails, you're going to say thank you for your service.

00:56:39.000 These motherfuckers.

00:56:41.000 These motherfuckers.

00:56:43.000 These gongs out there.

00:56:46.000 But they, my toenails got messed up when I was like, I think I was like 12. You remember minibikes?

00:56:52.000 Mm-hmm.

00:56:53.000 And the little, with the little fat wheels?

00:56:55.000 Yep.

00:56:56.000 And I had on sandals.

00:56:57.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:56:58.000 You remember those sandals back in the day with the tire treads on the bottom?

00:57:01.000 Oh, yes.

00:57:01.000 And going down the hill, and you know, I had the little brake with the, it's like a plate that stops on the back wheel.

00:57:07.000 I heard something go clang, clang, clang, clang, clang.

00:57:10.000 The fucker was not slowing down.

00:57:12.000 And I put my feet down and, you know, of course the sandals come out of my...

00:57:20.000 Ow, Jesus Christ.

00:57:22.000 It's all healed.

00:57:22.000 It looks painful right now, but it's good.

00:57:25.000 Ooh, how long did it take to heal from that?

00:57:27.000 I don't think they've healed.

00:57:29.000 Ooh.

00:57:29.000 Yeah, you know.

00:57:31.000 It's just, it is what it is now.

00:57:32.000 You know T-Rex, you know him?

00:57:34.000 No.

00:57:34.000 T-Rex, he tours with Bill Burr.

00:57:36.000 He says, so, you going too far with this woods thing?

00:57:40.000 Because he said my toenails look wooden.

00:57:44.000 Look at him.

00:57:46.000 Well, you have an excuse.

00:57:47.000 Yeah.

00:57:48.000 You don't realize how helpless you are if you just hurt your big toe in one of your feet.

00:57:53.000 You're like, what the fuck?

00:57:54.000 It's hard to move around.

00:57:56.000 This right here.

00:57:57.000 Your pinky.

00:57:58.000 Pinky.

00:57:59.000 Yeah, pinky.

00:58:00.000 Because your big toe, that's your signal.

00:58:06.000 That's how you pivot.

00:58:08.000 And so the big toe and pinky doesn't look like he's that important.

00:58:14.000 It's true.

00:58:15.000 Your little ring finger and ring finger can reduce your grip strength by 67% if you lose them.

00:58:21.000 Wow!

00:58:23.000 Man, you need to follow me around.

00:58:24.000 Your pinky holds as much as 50% of your hand strength.

00:58:27.000 The pinky along with the ring finger forms the power bottom of your hand while the thumb, index finger, and middle finger provide dexterity.

00:58:39.000 That's interesting.

00:58:40.000 I don't know if I totally agree with that, though.

00:58:44.000 But it's right there?

00:58:46.000 Yeah, but I don't know if that's universal.

00:58:49.000 It might be depending on what you do.

00:58:51.000 Yeah.

00:58:52.000 Because if you grip a lot of stuff, or you carry a lot of stuff, I would imagine it would change.

00:58:57.000 It definitely can have compensation because I fucked up my pinky and my whole hand was fucked up for a while.

00:59:02.000 I got my pinky slammed in a car door.

00:59:04.000 I told you about that.

00:59:05.000 It was numb forever.

00:59:06.000 It was numb for like a month and a half.

00:59:09.000 Yeah, but I still did chin-ups.

00:59:11.000 I could still do chin-ups.

00:59:12.000 I just didn't do anything with this pinky.

00:59:15.000 It didn't seem to reduce my strength by that much.

00:59:18.000 There's a test of six different grip methods, one without the middle finger, one without the ring, and little fingers, and that was the lowest grip.

00:59:25.000 Right, but is that also a function of mechanics, though?

00:59:29.000 Because if you're removing the middle finger, do you have the same leverage on those other fingers?

00:59:34.000 Because they're all connected, you know?

00:59:36.000 And a lot of times things...

00:59:38.000 This just looks thicker.

00:59:41.000 Everybody else don't realize how important the pinky is until it gets fucked up.

00:59:45.000 Well, that's also now that I'm thinking about, though, maybe it is true, because maybe I should be thinking about what muscles of the forearm are pulling down, and maybe these ones are stronger.

00:59:55.000 I was going to bring up the pinky toe, too.

00:59:56.000 If you cut off your pinky toe, you lose, it's not all of your balance, but you're going to have to figure out how to balance again, because it makes up a point of balance for you.

01:00:04.000 Wow.

01:00:06.000 Remember the Pope of Greenwich Village?

01:00:08.000 Yeah, I do.

01:00:09.000 They got my thumbs off, Charlie!

01:00:13.000 Charlie!

01:00:15.000 They got my thumbs, Charlie!

01:00:20.000 That was good acting right there.

01:00:23.000 Oh my god, that movie was amazing.

01:00:25.000 Yeah.

01:00:26.000 Jon Jones fucked his big toe up in a fight with Chael Sonnen.

01:00:29.000 He beat the shit out of Chael Sonnen and then got up and was doing the post-fight interview and looked down and saw that his toe was like flipped upside down.

01:00:39.000 His big toe was.

01:00:41.000 Did he faint?

01:00:42.000 No, no.

01:00:42.000 We sat him down.

01:00:44.000 He was like, oh boy.

01:00:45.000 And I continued to interview him.

01:00:47.000 Hold up.

01:00:48.000 His toe had flipped around.

01:00:49.000 His toe had flipped around because that's how much pressure he was putting into trying to beat Chael Sonnen up.

01:00:59.000 Like, yeah, his toe was fucked up.

01:01:04.000 So we got him to sit down.

01:01:08.000 So that dude fucked up his own toe, and to this day, he fucked up his own toe because he was pushing off so hard when he was beating down Chael Sonnen.

01:01:18.000 But to this day, he has to fight with that toe taped up.

01:01:21.000 To this day.

01:01:22.000 Imagine how much he lost from having an injured toe like that and he's still the greatest.

01:01:28.000 That shit hurts looking at it.

01:01:29.000 Hurts looking at it.

01:01:30.000 Yeah.

01:01:31.000 That's crazy.

01:01:32.000 You guys seen this new movie with Woody Harrelson?

01:01:35.000 No, I haven't seen it.

01:01:36.000 It's called The Champions.

01:01:37.000 He gets a DUI, so he has to go coach some guys with mental disabilities.

01:01:48.000 What did they say?

01:01:49.000 Disabilities?

01:01:50.000 No, not disabilities.

01:01:51.000 Challenges.

01:01:53.000 And that's one of the funniest parts of the movie.

01:01:55.000 Because one kid who has soft bones, he goes, are we gonna...

01:01:58.000 He said, everybody get on your knees.

01:02:00.000 He said, I can't.

01:02:01.000 I ain't wearing my knee pads.

01:02:02.000 He said, okay, don't worry about it.

01:02:03.000 So in the big game, he goes, I think I'm gonna come out of the game because I think I sprained my finger.

01:02:07.000 He goes, nah, you're good.

01:02:08.000 You're gonna be okay, I'm telling you.

01:02:09.000 And then he showed me his finger and shit looked like his toe.

01:02:13.000 Oh, twisted around?

01:02:17.000 Can you bring that up?

01:02:19.000 That is a funny movie.

01:02:23.000 It's called The Champions.

01:02:25.000 But I saw it on the plane.

01:02:28.000 And it's about a lot of people with challenges.

01:02:32.000 So I'm laughing out loud, and the people look over to see what's so funny, and they go, really, asshole?

01:02:38.000 I'm like, no, no, because they can't hear what I'm hearing.

01:02:41.000 Right, right, right.

01:02:42.000 Because there's one kid in the movie, and he grabs the ball and shoots backwards, and then he does the Steph Curry.

01:02:52.000 And they said, he said, he's the only one in the league who does that.

01:02:57.000 And they go, does he ever make it?

01:02:58.000 He said, no, he don't ever make it, but he's the only one in the league who does it.

01:03:05.000 He does this backwards and goes...

01:03:07.000 Like that.

01:03:11.000 Does he ever make it?

01:03:13.000 No, he don't ever make it.

01:03:14.000 But listen, he's the only one in the league who does it.

01:03:16.000 Like...

01:03:17.000 Wow.

01:03:18.000 Yeah, it's like, what the fuck?

01:03:20.000 If you see the one with the finger, that finger is...

01:03:24.000 They got that on the trail.

01:03:26.000 That finger is...

01:03:27.000 Because they got to come out, man.

01:03:28.000 My coach, yeah.

01:03:30.000 I think that's a...

01:03:31.000 You see how he fixed it?

01:03:34.000 This is the best podcast I've ever been on, man.

01:03:40.000 So rambling.

01:03:41.000 Yeah, because everybody else is on...

01:03:43.000 Watch this.

01:03:46.000 Okay, was he saying, give me some volume?

01:03:48.000 No, coach, this doesn't feel right.

01:03:50.000 Oh, jeez.

01:03:52.000 Give it an issue, trainer.

01:03:53.000 But I want to play.

01:03:54.000 The team needs me.

01:03:55.000 Not like that they don't.

01:03:57.000 Wait.

01:04:01.000 Good as new!

01:04:08.000 Guys have done that in fights before.

01:04:10.000 What?

01:04:11.000 Yeah, just to like pop their finger back in place.

01:04:15.000 Sometimes your joints get dislocated.

01:04:17.000 Guys have blown, popped their shoulders out, popped them back in in between rounds.

01:04:22.000 Well, you weren't in Vegas.

01:04:24.000 No, yeah, in Vegas that happened.

01:04:25.000 You know, for Skank Fest.

01:04:28.000 What happened?

01:04:28.000 It was like karaoke for fighters.

01:04:31.000 You just put your name on the list and get up and fight.

01:04:34.000 And they had a ring.

01:04:37.000 And they had a ring.

01:04:38.000 And so they played musical chairs.

01:04:41.000 And so, boom, whoever can get a chair, he sits over here in this corner.

01:04:46.000 And the next guy goes over there.

01:04:49.000 And then, boom, them two guys fight.

01:04:51.000 And whoever beats that guy, whoever wins out of that two-minute round, then they do it again.

01:04:56.000 And so this guy who just won this will have to fight the next guy who loses a musical chance.

01:05:01.000 It was dope.

01:05:02.000 And then he, pop!

01:05:04.000 He heard it go.

01:05:05.000 And his shoulder went like that.

01:05:07.000 It just went down like that.

01:05:09.000 And he says, hold up, hold up.

01:05:11.000 And he goes...

01:05:13.000 He goes, I'm okay.

01:05:14.000 And the guy goes, nah, nah, man.

01:05:16.000 Nah, nah, man.

01:05:18.000 He goes, sit the fuck down.

01:05:20.000 Oh, my God.

01:05:21.000 It's an Australian guy who he's like a...

01:05:24.000 He's like you.

01:05:26.000 He's at the fights and stuff like that.

01:05:28.000 And that's his thing.

01:05:29.000 Jason Ellis?

01:05:30.000 I guess.

01:05:31.000 He's crazy.

01:05:32.000 Jason's crazy.

01:05:33.000 Because the dude's shoulder go...

01:05:35.000 So Jason threw his shoulder out?

01:05:37.000 No.

01:05:37.000 The other guy.

01:05:38.000 The other guy was fighting.

01:05:39.000 And then he goes, he puts it back up.

01:05:41.000 He goes, he goes, I'll be okay.

01:05:43.000 He goes, no, Mike.

01:05:44.000 Come on.

01:05:44.000 No, Mike.

01:05:46.000 You've had enough.

01:05:46.000 Give him a big hand.

01:05:48.000 Yeah.

01:05:48.000 Jesus Christ.

01:05:49.000 He's like, we got a doctor now.

01:05:52.000 Oh my God.

01:05:53.000 It kept doing that.

01:05:55.000 Maybe it's a reoccurring injury.

01:05:57.000 Maybe that's why he was so calm about it.

01:05:59.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:06:00.000 But he was worked up because the crowd was cheering, man.

01:06:03.000 We had a dude on Fear Factor once.

01:06:05.000 It was a bull rider.

01:06:05.000 And his shoulder was destroyed.

01:06:08.000 He had eight surgeries in one shoulder.

01:06:11.000 And he said, if anything happens, it just pops out.

01:06:15.000 Anything abrupt, it just pops out.

01:06:18.000 It's going to pop it back in.

01:06:23.000 But I guess, I forgot about Fairfax.

01:06:27.000 Dude, I have run out of the room.

01:06:32.000 You just might be on, instead of cutting it off, what the fuck?

01:06:36.000 Like the worm thing, the rat thing, the eating stuff.

01:06:41.000 I'm like, what the fuck?

01:06:43.000 You should have been there and smelled it.

01:06:45.000 The smell made it all horrific.

01:06:48.000 They should have had smell vision for Fear Factor.

01:06:50.000 They should have been able to give you a dose of what that was.

01:06:54.000 Some of that stuff was so nasty.

01:06:58.000 You know, one of the ways they made it smell nasty was they would buy expensive French cheese.

01:07:05.000 Oh, it would make it nasty.

01:07:06.000 Yeah, apparently there was a place in Beverly Hills that had this funky fucking cheese.

01:07:13.000 Yeah, I guess some of those folks that are like real cheeseheads, they like wild shit.

01:07:19.000 And this stuff stunk.

01:07:20.000 And people would just vomit opening up the fucking case to smell it.

01:07:26.000 And they would add that cheese.

01:07:28.000 And people pay big money for that stuff.

01:07:30.000 Do you ever go to Jim Rhodes' Sideshow?

01:07:32.000 No.

01:07:34.000 Yeah?

01:07:35.000 As a matter of fact, we went to Edinburgh the first time.

01:07:38.000 That's the first time I've ever seen something like that.

01:07:40.000 Because the guy, he does something, and he swallows all of this stuff.

01:07:45.000 I don't know if it's vomit, and it's beer, it's a whole bunch of nasty shit.

01:07:51.000 And then we were in a big tent, and somebody went, and they threw up, and then, Like, everyone's just barfing.

01:08:02.000 Just like that.

01:08:03.000 I had never seen that before.

01:08:05.000 And the whole tent smelled like that cheese you're talking about.

01:08:09.000 Wow.

01:08:10.000 Yeah.

01:08:10.000 Edinburgh Festival is skank festival to the 100th pow.

01:08:18.000 Really?

01:08:19.000 It's that wild?

01:08:21.000 It's that wild.

01:08:21.000 And it's a month too, right?

01:08:23.000 A month in the rain with kilts on, no draws, just getting it.

01:08:28.000 That's the first time I took E by accident.

01:08:31.000 By accident?

01:08:32.000 Yeah, because this guy, he goes, I said, he said, how'd you boys get along last night?

01:08:38.000 He was talking to me and Greer.

01:08:39.000 I said, it was good, man.

01:08:40.000 I got a headache though today.

01:08:41.000 He goes, would you fancy a pill?

01:08:45.000 All right.

01:08:45.000 You know, after they had aspirin.

01:08:47.000 And he pulls out some pills on a napkin.

01:08:49.000 He turned to get a beer or something like that.

01:08:52.000 And I'm like, well, you know, because they're so small.

01:08:54.000 I'm like, these are like obviously children's aspirin.

01:08:57.000 I need all three.

01:08:58.000 Kaboom.

01:09:00.000 Oh, wow.

01:09:00.000 Yeah, and washed it down with Red Bull.

01:09:04.000 And then Greer's like, Woody, what's up?

01:09:07.000 I'm like, what?

01:09:08.000 He said, that was for all of us.

01:09:11.000 You got a headache too?

01:09:12.000 He said, yeah, buddy.

01:09:14.000 Oh, my God.

01:09:15.000 It was fun.

01:09:19.000 Okay, the next morning I woke up and I pooed it.

01:09:25.000 It had color with it.

01:09:26.000 Oh, no.

01:09:28.000 But other than that, the night was fine.

01:09:30.000 No, I just shit it.

01:09:32.000 But listen, like a shark.

01:09:34.000 What did you say?

01:09:35.000 Like a shark?

01:09:36.000 Like a shark.

01:09:37.000 Oh, a shark.

01:09:38.000 You shit your pants.

01:09:39.000 Because we partied.

01:09:40.000 We had a good, good time.

01:09:42.000 We had a good, good time that night.

01:09:43.000 And then, you know, I wake up and I'm like, oh, man, that was crazy.

01:09:47.000 And then, oh, that's the guy.

01:09:52.000 Do you think that's for the pills?

01:09:54.000 Yeah, because I got more control than that.

01:09:59.000 I don't just go around shitting on myself.

01:10:06.000 I didn't like that.

01:10:08.000 That was the first time I ever did that.

01:10:11.000 And people would always go, it's so good.

01:10:13.000 It's just too Disney World for me.

01:10:15.000 Because it made me like, you know, we almost got in a fight because I saw a little guy there I'm not going to say midget, dwarf.

01:10:24.000 It was a little afro.

01:10:25.000 Boom!

01:10:26.000 With a big red afro, a big orange afro.

01:10:29.000 And I was looking at him like a leprechaun.

01:10:36.000 From across the room he goes, what are you looking at, Blackie?

01:10:41.000 And I was thinking, wow, Blackie's here?

01:10:43.000 Because that's my man.

01:10:46.000 I was just on some other super happy shit, you know.

01:10:50.000 Right, and this guy's getting mad at you.

01:10:52.000 Yeah, he was mad.

01:10:53.000 He was mad.

01:10:55.000 But yeah, he'd do nothing.

01:10:57.000 I mean, he was just mad.

01:11:00.000 On ecstasy, getting yelled at.

01:11:02.000 Yeah.

01:11:02.000 He's just, what's the little battle guy?

01:11:05.000 He goes, oi!

01:11:06.000 What are you looking at, Blackie?

01:11:08.000 Yeah.

01:11:10.000 Pirate talk.

01:11:13.000 Everybody was so upset with him for calling me Blackie.

01:11:18.000 He already lost the fight himself.

01:11:20.000 Because everybody's like, no!

01:11:22.000 You can't do that!

01:11:23.000 Women are crying and shit.

01:11:26.000 He hurt me so bad.

01:11:33.000 Oh my god.

01:11:34.000 Fuck it.

01:11:35.000 Man, if you live in an environment where it rains that much...

01:11:40.000 If you live in an environment like that, it's tough to be happy, I bet.

01:11:43.000 But the grass is fucking green.

01:11:45.000 It must be glowing.

01:11:46.000 The grass is in Technicolor over there.

01:11:49.000 Right.

01:11:50.000 It's just beautiful.

01:11:54.000 It's just not so good for people.

01:11:56.000 Yeah.

01:11:57.000 It's one of the best comedy clubs ever.

01:11:59.000 The stand is in Glasgow.

01:12:02.000 And no lie, it's about as big as this room.

01:12:05.000 Really?

01:12:06.000 And the people are just in there, and you're just like...

01:12:09.000 Nice.

01:12:11.000 Yeah, it's really good.

01:12:13.000 I mean, the energy of it.

01:12:14.000 That's all during the festival, you know, up in Scotland.

01:12:18.000 All the people, English people come up, and you just gotta just have a show.

01:12:24.000 You can have a show like that.

01:12:26.000 Just go over a duo two or three days.

01:12:29.000 Just to say you did it.

01:12:31.000 Just to say you did it, because we always had a ball over there.

01:12:38.000 What's his name?

01:12:38.000 Remember my man, Master Lee?

01:12:41.000 Master Lee?

01:12:42.000 Remember him?

01:12:43.000 No.

01:12:44.000 You remember Master Lee?

01:12:45.000 Do I? Yeah, remember he passed out that time.

01:12:48.000 He's going to, and he's going to break the board.

01:12:53.000 You don't remember that?

01:12:54.000 Was the guy on TV you're talking about?

01:12:55.000 No, he was at the Boston Comedy Club with us.

01:12:57.000 Oh, I don't remember that guy.

01:12:58.000 Master Lee.

01:12:59.000 He did shows in the park with Charlie.

01:13:01.000 Okay, and he used to break boards on his head?

01:13:03.000 Yeah.

01:13:04.000 But just one time he got dizzy.

01:13:05.000 How do I forget this?

01:13:07.000 One time he got dizzy?

01:13:08.000 Only one time?

01:13:09.000 It was just one time he got dizzy.

01:13:12.000 It's funny, yeah.

01:13:13.000 You don't remember me?

01:13:16.000 That's him!

01:13:17.000 I kind of remember him now.

01:13:30.000 Savages.

01:13:32.000 I'm gonna read my haikus anyway.

01:13:42.000 For those of you who don't know, haiku is Japanese for really short poem.

01:13:53.000 Now the beauty of haiku is that the original haiku poets could express her deepest emotions...

01:13:59.000 Okay, cut ahead to this.

01:14:03.000 Let me see the board break part.

01:14:06.000 He said, are you ready to see me break the board?

01:14:08.000 Yeah, that was the whole build-up.

01:14:10.000 This is the whole build-up, too.

01:14:12.000 Hey!

01:14:14.000 Hey!

01:14:15.000 Hey!

01:14:18.000 Now I know why they call it kamikaze.

01:14:26.000 Well, that's silly.

01:14:33.000 That's such an easy thing to do.

01:14:35.000 Break a board?

01:14:35.000 Yeah, it's very easy.

01:14:36.000 It's a trick.

01:14:38.000 I got hit with baseball bat.

01:14:40.000 That's very different.

01:14:41.000 Those boards snap pretty easy.

01:14:43.000 It looks impressive because you think of wood, but it's pine and they're thin.

01:14:49.000 They break pretty easy.

01:14:50.000 Well, I'm sure I wouldn't get the hard one.

01:14:54.000 That would be good.

01:14:55.000 I can't believe you don't remember him.

01:14:57.000 I don't remember him.

01:14:58.000 Maybe it's because of that.

01:15:00.000 Breaking the board over the head.

01:15:01.000 Maybe I blocked it out.

01:15:02.000 Yeah.

01:15:03.000 Because I used to have to do board-breaking demonstrations.

01:15:06.000 When we would open up a new school, a new martial arts school, they would send us to a new place.

01:15:10.000 They had affiliates.

01:15:11.000 Were you doing martial arts then?

01:15:12.000 Yeah.

01:15:14.000 When I was a teenager.

01:15:15.000 You were in high school when I met you, weren't you?

01:15:17.000 No, no.

01:15:18.000 When I met you, I was like 23, I think.

01:15:24.000 You remember that bit?

01:15:26.000 That's hilarious.

01:15:28.000 What school is that?

01:15:31.000 Yeah, it was a college.

01:15:33.000 College, right?

01:15:34.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:15:36.000 I saw Carrie Brazer the other day.

01:15:38.000 I was in Miami.

01:15:39.000 Remember Carrie Brazer?

01:15:40.000 Yeah.

01:15:41.000 She was one of the agents.

01:15:45.000 Rick Dorfman, Carrie, Liz, rest in peace, Don't say that.

01:15:55.000 I forgot.

01:15:57.000 Oh man, I forgot her name.

01:15:59.000 It's okay if you say rest in peace and don't remember the name.

01:16:01.000 Well, you know Jason and...

01:16:03.000 Yeah.

01:16:05.000 She was the nicest...

01:16:06.000 Lynn!

01:16:07.000 Remember Lynn?

01:16:08.000 She was the sweetest girl.

01:16:10.000 Yeah.

01:16:11.000 Oh, and Barry.

01:16:13.000 That whole scene, man, what an interesting scene in comedy in the early 90s in New York.

01:16:19.000 Yeah.

01:16:20.000 It was so exciting.

01:16:22.000 It was when MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour was poppin', Def Jam was poppin', all these different shows were happening.

01:16:28.000 It was like there was an explosion of shows that a comic could get on.

01:16:33.000 Commercials, remember Reggie McFadden was a Dr. Pepper commercial.

01:16:36.000 Oh yeah, man.

01:16:37.000 That was his intro.

01:16:39.000 Dude, I talk about Reggie McFadden all the time.

01:16:41.000 That's my man.

01:16:42.000 He was the guy that when I saw him, I was like, there's no way this guy's not the next Eddie Murphy.

01:16:46.000 Like, that guy was talented.

01:16:48.000 Yeah.

01:16:49.000 He doesn't really do stand-up anymore, right?

01:16:51.000 I don't know.

01:16:54.000 He had a diamond mine or something like that.

01:16:57.000 If you got a diamond mine, I don't think you need that.

01:17:01.000 I'd still do stand-up.

01:17:02.000 Yeah.

01:17:03.000 And a diamond mine.

01:17:05.000 You don't want that.

01:17:07.000 You don't want to consolidate all your businesses.

01:17:11.000 You would still do stand-up if you had a diamond mine.

01:17:14.000 Man, if I had a...

01:17:15.000 I still do stand-up for free.

01:17:18.000 I still do stand-up.

01:17:20.000 It's like Dave Chappelle was talking.

01:17:24.000 He was like, how we do it, how we get over, how we get through it.

01:17:29.000 It makes us feel good.

01:17:30.000 It makes us feel bad.

01:17:31.000 All of that shit.

01:17:33.000 And, you know, you can...

01:17:37.000 You know, you can release all this stuff, you know, because when I lost my son, everybody's like, hey, man, go sit on the couch and everything.

01:17:46.000 And I actually took the advice and I went down to the VA. And I was because I was so, you know, hurt, broke up.

01:17:54.000 And but you don't get it's not like television.

01:17:57.000 You don't get to sit on your own couch.

01:17:59.000 It's like a group session, man.

01:18:01.000 And it was two young guys in there, man, and both of them had like titanium legs and everything.

01:18:05.000 They go, yo, man, I saw you on television, man.

01:18:08.000 Can we take a picture, man?

01:18:10.000 And, you know, and I was like...

01:18:12.000 I was like...

01:18:14.000 I got my thing, but even with my...

01:18:19.000 I felt sorry for them because these guys look like they're like 18, 20. I'm like, I'm hurt because of the son I lost.

01:18:28.000 And because of what happened to them, they may not even get to have a...

01:18:33.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:18:34.000 So I'm like, this ain't...

01:18:36.000 So what stand-up brought me, not talking about him, but just still getting down because that's...

01:18:44.000 Because of him, I had the nerve to do it in the first place.

01:18:47.000 I used to go to Comic Con.

01:18:49.000 I went to a comedy club, my first open mic, and this guy, Kevin Lee, was juggling, and he dropped the bowling ball.

01:18:56.000 Like on television, nobody ever drops it.

01:18:58.000 He dropped it.

01:18:58.000 Boom!

01:18:59.000 And the owner goes, get the fuck out of here!

01:19:01.000 Get your shit!

01:19:02.000 Get this!

01:19:02.000 And he's spraying him from behind the back with Lysol.

01:19:05.000 The people are screaming.

01:19:06.000 They think it's part of the show.

01:19:07.000 I thought it was part of the show.

01:19:09.000 Right?

01:19:09.000 He's screaming.

01:19:10.000 And people are like...

01:19:14.000 And then William Stevenson goes up and goes, next we got a new guy!

01:19:18.000 Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Tony Woods.

01:19:22.000 Shit.

01:19:23.000 I'm not going up there, motherfucker.

01:19:25.000 I'm not going up there.

01:19:27.000 Because it was like...

01:19:29.000 That's how people were panting.

01:19:33.000 How hard he had ripped.

01:19:34.000 Wow.

01:19:36.000 I forgot the point I was making, but...

01:19:38.000 What was I talking about?

01:19:40.000 I forgot.

01:19:42.000 Yeah, but we were getting to something.

01:19:47.000 What were we talking about, Joe?

01:19:48.000 You were talking about a guy juggling on stage and dropping a ball, but I didn't know where you were going with it.

01:19:53.000 Yeah, before that I was telling you something.

01:19:55.000 Don't worry about it.

01:19:56.000 Your son encouraging you to do stand-up and help you get over your son.

01:20:00.000 He didn't encourage me, but he was born.

01:20:02.000 And when he was born, I'm like, shit, I can do this.

01:20:05.000 I can do anything.

01:20:06.000 Stand-up ain't nothing.

01:20:07.000 I'm changing diapers, bitches.

01:20:11.000 So that's what really, because I'm like, I am someone's dad.

01:20:17.000 Yeah.

01:20:18.000 This is hard shit.

01:20:20.000 Stand-up comedy cannot be as difficult as this.

01:20:23.000 And it was not.

01:20:25.000 And so, when I lost him, I wanted to just stop everything.

01:20:29.000 Plus, I still got two other sons.

01:20:31.000 Can't just stop and say, hey everybody, I'm sad.

01:20:34.000 Gotta keep it moving.

01:20:35.000 Right.

01:20:37.000 Yes, that is our, you know, look at how fucking funny it's going to be when you go on stage talking about an ant tore your toes up.

01:20:46.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:20:47.000 Somebody else is going to have PS2 from that.

01:20:50.000 I think the fun part is going to come in how I kill them all.

01:20:53.000 Yeah.

01:20:53.000 That's the fun part.

01:20:54.000 They're fucked.

01:20:55.000 This is war.

01:20:56.000 But just think of somebody who's not a stand-up.

01:20:58.000 Fuck, I gotta take a couple days off work, man.

01:21:01.000 Fucking fire ants tore me up last week.

01:21:04.000 That's it.

01:21:05.000 I didn't take last night off.

01:21:06.000 You got 20 minutes.

01:21:08.000 Bang.

01:21:08.000 I did get an IV in between shows.

01:21:11.000 That helped.

01:21:12.000 Oh.

01:21:12.000 Yeah.

01:21:13.000 What does that IV do?

01:21:15.000 Well, you get different ones, do different things, but I got a high dose vitamin C and NAD combination.

01:21:23.000 Oh.

01:21:25.000 And they also put some kind of a dexamiform, I forget what it's called.

01:21:31.000 But it's not going to make you poop, right?

01:21:34.000 No.

01:21:34.000 Make you poop.

01:21:36.000 Because I've been drinking this tea.

01:21:39.000 It's called morongo.

01:21:40.000 It's from India.

01:21:41.000 It's poop tea?

01:21:43.000 Yeah.

01:21:43.000 Because the thing clearly says take one every day.

01:21:47.000 You know, in the morning.

01:21:48.000 Boom, it gave you energy, all of this.

01:21:50.000 And I drank like three cups of tea the other day.

01:21:55.000 If you really want...

01:21:58.000 Sorry for the description, but if you really want shit to rock it out of your asshole, drink kale shakes.

01:22:05.000 I used to drink kale shakes every morning, and then I would have these shits where I was like, I gotta get to this toilet in time, and it's all coming out at once.

01:22:14.000 This is not gonna be a long journey.

01:22:16.000 This is just gonna be a yee-haw!

01:22:21.000 It just lubes the old pipes up.

01:22:23.000 Thank goodness for bike pants.

01:22:25.000 Yeah.

01:22:25.000 So, you know, I ride my bike, I ride a bike, and I just, you know, went to this place with all this health food shit, and he did the fucking kale shake.

01:22:32.000 I'm like, well, you know, why drink Gatorade when I can drink that?

01:22:36.000 Right.

01:22:37.000 Don't do that.

01:22:37.000 Don't do that?

01:22:38.000 Just because I was almost, my bike was in the car, I was driving.

01:22:43.000 And, you know, I'm driving, I'm like, I ain't gonna make it.

01:22:48.000 I don't want to sit in it, but I ain't going to make it, Sean.

01:22:52.000 So you're like sitting up, you're hunched up while you're driving?

01:22:55.000 I got on bike pants, but I got my shorts on over my bike pants.

01:23:00.000 Oh, boy.

01:23:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:23:02.000 And just when, you know, when you just go, ee, [...

01:23:30.000 I didn't think about that.

01:23:31.000 Well, it definitely makes you shit a lot.

01:23:34.000 But a lot or just...

01:23:36.000 Because it just...

01:23:37.000 Well, it's a lot of fiber, you know?

01:23:39.000 And it's a lot of moisture.

01:23:40.000 It's a lot of liquid and a lot of fiber.

01:23:42.000 It's all lubed up.

01:23:44.000 Good for you, right?

01:23:46.000 I think there's a lot of nutrients in it.

01:23:48.000 There's a question about whether or not you should have that much raw kale because it's high in oxalates.

01:23:54.000 And in certain individuals, they've had issues with oxalates that lead to things like kidney stones.

01:23:59.000 That could also be genetic, too, I think.

01:24:02.000 But the oxalates, I think in high doses, they think like a lot of raw spinach.

01:24:07.000 It's like a balance.

01:24:10.000 Some of it's good for you.

01:24:12.000 Too much of it is probably not so good for you.

01:24:14.000 Well, the reason I'm drinking this stuff now is because I went to the doctor like last month, and they said my, what, your PSA? PSA? Uh-huh.

01:24:26.000 Because both my grandfathers both passed from prostate cancer.

01:24:31.000 So he's basically, the doctor said, you don't, what they're doing is I got to go back next week for some more results of more tests.

01:24:41.000 And so far the options, I think it's like some Angelina Jolie stuff.

01:24:45.000 Like he says, with these levels, if it's not there now, it will be soon.

01:24:51.000 So let's just, and I just, I never heard anybody have removing So removing your whole prostate.

01:25:00.000 So I've been a little stressed out lately.

01:25:03.000 Is there other ways that they can mitigate that?

01:25:05.000 I'm trying to figure out what else can I do.

01:25:09.000 I read an article about this guy who had very high rates and they wanted him to do something and he decided to try doing a cold plunge every morning and then he went into a ketogenic diet.

01:25:24.000 And apparently he radically lowered his numbers.

01:25:28.000 And it actually even elevated his testosterone.

01:25:31.000 Tell your listeners to help me radically lower mine.

01:25:33.000 Well, I think that might be a way, but do you have a place near you that has a cold plunge?

01:25:41.000 I don't know, but okay.

01:25:42.000 Do you have a yard?

01:25:43.000 Yeah.

01:25:44.000 Like an ice bucket?

01:25:46.000 Yeah.

01:25:47.000 I could just put it in a tub.

01:25:49.000 Yeah, you could do it in a tub for sure.

01:25:50.000 But if you get one that's outside that stays cold all the time, that way you don't have to fill the tub up and every morning you just get in it.

01:25:59.000 You mean like just to sit in it?

01:26:01.000 You sit in it in your body underwater for like three minutes.

01:26:04.000 And it'll bring your PSAs down.

01:26:07.000 Well, with this guy.

01:26:08.000 I mean, I don't know if this is just his case, but what this guy did was two-fold.

01:26:12.000 He did that every morning, and then he also went on a ketogenic diet.

01:26:17.000 So he stopped eating sugar, he stopped eating anything that is, you know, I think it's like, I don't know what the fat to protein ratio is, but there's like a ratio where your body's just burning off fat.

01:26:31.000 And that's what he went into.

01:26:32.000 And apparently that's a good diet for people that have cancer, too.

01:26:36.000 So this guy lowered his rates.

01:26:39.000 Now, is that anecdotal?

01:26:40.000 Yes.

01:26:40.000 That's it.

01:26:41.000 Here it is.

01:26:42.000 How I lowered my PSA with ketosis and ice baths.

01:26:45.000 The prostate protocol.

01:26:46.000 Okay, so this guy has a Morosco.

01:26:49.000 I have one of those at home.

01:26:51.000 They're awesome.

01:26:51.000 And we have a blue cube here.

01:26:53.000 That tub is called a Morosco?

01:26:54.000 Yeah.

01:26:54.000 And we have one here called the Blue Cube.

01:26:56.000 That's awesome, too.

01:26:57.000 It's actually even more brutal.

01:26:59.000 Because the water stays on, like, flowing really fast.

01:27:03.000 So, an email from Morosco power user asked me about the protocol I use to bring my prostate-specific antigen down from 7.0 to 1.8 nanograms per milliliter.

01:27:14.000 It says, I purchased a Morosco about a year ago, blah, blah, blah.

01:27:19.000 Okay, so this is the question.

01:27:21.000 The guy's asking the question and say he has his PSA's...

01:27:24.000 No, no, down.

01:27:25.000 Right.

01:27:26.000 So, then the answer...

01:27:29.000 The guy explained what he did.

01:27:36.000 Is that it?

01:27:39.000 Hold on.

01:27:39.000 Go back up right there.

01:27:42.000 Right there.

01:27:43.000 The prostate protocol.

01:27:44.000 The most sensational finding in my blood test results was not so much the improvement in my PSA, but the elevation of my testosterone to levels that were nearly unheard of for an overweight 56-year-old man.

01:27:57.000 I wrote about it in detail and what happened to my testosterone after using ice baths to treat my prostate.

01:28:02.000 I've since updated that article to include more of the science behind how it works and describe what I did that worked for me.

01:28:10.000 However, it's possible that not every man is seeking to boost his testosterone.

01:28:15.000 For example, my girlfriend, who generally seems pleased with the results of my T levels, has already mentioned that she'd rather I didn't do anything to push them higher.

01:28:24.000 Interesting.

01:28:24.000 But more importantly, some men have experienced concern that their doctors suggested higher testosterone levels may lead to increased prostate cancer risk.

01:28:34.000 Okay, this is a long article.

01:28:37.000 But his protocol was kept his ice bath at 34 degrees, plunge up to his neck for two to four minutes, an average of six days a week.

01:28:46.000 So that gives me 20 minutes of extreme cold exposure per week, which is enough to activate my brown fat and maintain high glucose sensitivity.

01:28:54.000 Then fasting for 24 hours once a week, and then cycling in and out of keto.

01:29:00.000 In addition to intermittent fasting, low carb, several days a week, so I can be sure he reaches ketosis.

01:29:06.000 Doesn't stay in ketosis for more than a few days.

01:29:09.000 When I'm ready to come out, I'll indulge with fresh bread or a croissant or a favorite dessert or fruit in season.

01:29:15.000 Okay, I enjoy good red wine, a dark beer, blah, blah, blah.

01:29:19.000 All right.

01:29:20.000 So then there's this disclaimer.

01:29:22.000 I don't know if the ice bath prostate protocol will work for you.

01:29:26.000 Maybe you'll adopt every practice that worked for me only to discover that it does not work for you.

01:29:30.000 Everybody is different.

01:29:31.000 Nevertheless, if you decide to try it, will you share your results?

01:29:35.000 Yeah.

01:29:36.000 So, try it.

01:29:37.000 Try that.

01:29:38.000 Yeah.

01:29:39.000 You know, before they do surgery.

01:29:41.000 Yeah, you know, because he said it like he was taking out my wisdom tooth, dude.

01:29:44.000 Yeah, yikes.

01:29:45.000 He said, yeah, we could just remove you.

01:29:47.000 Yikes.

01:29:47.000 Hold up, motherfucker.

01:29:48.000 Yeah, slow down.

01:29:50.000 And if this works, I mean, if it worked for that guy, is his level similar to what your level is?

01:29:55.000 Mine was five.

01:29:56.000 And what was his?

01:29:57.000 His seven.

01:29:58.000 Oh, so yours is better than his already.

01:30:00.000 Yeah, but his is gone.

01:30:03.000 Yeah, his went away.

01:30:04.000 You might be able to do it, but you'd have to be real strict with your diet.

01:30:08.000 I saw him say candy and syrupy stuff.

01:30:12.000 Well, all that stuff.

01:30:14.000 The time you stop eating that stuff, your body has to still recover from when you're eating it.

01:30:20.000 Like all the damage that you've done.

01:30:22.000 It's just not real food.

01:30:24.000 That's most of what people consume.

01:30:25.000 Are you vegetarian?

01:30:27.000 No.

01:30:28.000 I don't think that's the way to go either.

01:30:31.000 I don't think that's the way to go for health.

01:30:34.000 I also don't think it's the way to go for conservation and animal management.

01:30:40.000 The reality of the world is you have millions of cows and millions of chickens.

01:30:44.000 The real problem in the world when it comes to meat is factory farming.

01:30:48.000 That's the real problem.

01:30:50.000 There's a lot of regenerative farms that raise livestock the way people have for thousands and thousands of years.

01:30:57.000 And that's great.

01:30:58.000 And you can get food from them.

01:31:00.000 Why do we have so much, so many chicken wings?

01:31:03.000 It's a lot of chickens, bro.

01:31:05.000 I know, but it's like...

01:31:06.000 It's a good question, though.

01:31:07.000 Nobody's eating that much chicken.

01:31:08.000 It's a good question.

01:31:09.000 That's all got his wings now.

01:31:11.000 Just fucking wings.

01:31:11.000 No, but think about the breasts.

01:31:12.000 Like, how many places sell breasts a lot?

01:31:15.000 Like, everybody who wants a Caesar salad with chicken breast...

01:31:18.000 Honestly, it's wings.

01:31:19.000 Buffalo Wild Wings.

01:31:20.000 Hot Wings.

01:31:21.000 Yep.

01:31:21.000 Oh, true.

01:31:22.000 Wild Wings.

01:31:23.000 Yeah.

01:31:24.000 Yeah.

01:31:24.000 It's a lot of wings.

01:31:25.000 A lot of wings.

01:31:26.000 Yeah, a lot of independent wing places.

01:31:28.000 Yeah.

01:31:28.000 With nothing but fucking wings.

01:31:30.000 Like, you can't do that.

01:31:31.000 Do you remember that place in the village?

01:31:32.000 They used to have a place in the village?

01:31:34.000 Yeah.

01:31:35.000 Right down the street.

01:31:35.000 Fuck you.

01:31:36.000 Yes.

01:31:36.000 Bang!

01:31:37.000 That was some good chicken.

01:31:38.000 Fuck you.

01:31:39.000 Bro, they had that death sauce.

01:31:41.000 Did you ever have the death sauce?

01:31:42.000 Yeah.

01:31:43.000 Whatever they called it.

01:31:44.000 It was like the highest level.

01:31:45.000 Yeah.

01:31:46.000 I just tasted it.

01:31:47.000 I never...

01:31:47.000 Ate that shit, ate that shit.

01:31:49.000 It was good, though.

01:31:50.000 It was delicious.

01:31:51.000 It was delicious, but it was just insanely spicy.

01:31:54.000 The place next door to the cellar.

01:31:56.000 There it is, plug you.

01:31:57.000 Is it still open?

01:31:57.000 No.

01:31:58.000 Aw.

01:31:59.000 It's permanently closed.

01:32:00.000 What's the place next door to the cellar?

01:32:02.000 The swarmer place.

01:32:04.000 Mmm, I don't know.

01:32:05.000 Okay, you know the cellar, the steps right here, the place right there.

01:32:08.000 Yeah, I don't know the name of the place.

01:32:09.000 You never ate there?

01:32:10.000 No, I never ate there.

01:32:11.000 You did the pizza place in the corner.

01:32:13.000 Which, um...

01:32:15.000 I didn't do The Cellar very many times.

01:32:18.000 You did Boston, though.

01:32:19.000 I did Boston, and I did a lot of shows at Dangerfields.

01:32:22.000 Because Dangerfields felt like a road room.

01:32:24.000 Yeah.

01:32:25.000 It felt like it was on the road.

01:32:26.000 You know, it didn't even feel like a New York room.

01:32:28.000 I worked there the first time by accident.

01:32:31.000 By accident?

01:32:32.000 By accident.

01:32:33.000 I came up.

01:32:33.000 I came up to New York for the summer to do my...

01:32:37.000 Reserved duty.

01:32:38.000 I'm trying to think.

01:32:39.000 I think it's 87. So you sent a videotaping of your comedy.

01:32:49.000 I sent it to this club called Who's On First?

01:32:52.000 I sent it to them.

01:32:53.000 I go in with some other guys who's doing reserve duty with me.

01:32:57.000 I said, yo, man, you a comedian?

01:32:59.000 We go up there together.

01:33:00.000 And I walk in.

01:33:01.000 It's busy.

01:33:02.000 It's like a Friday or Saturday night.

01:33:04.000 And I said, yeah, I'm Tony Wilson, gave you a video tape.

01:33:07.000 And she said, okay, well, you know, sit over there, I'll get such and such, whoever.

01:33:10.000 Then he comes out, some other guy comes into the, he, is Tony here?

01:33:14.000 I'm like, yeah, I'm Tony.

01:33:16.000 Come on, you're open too.

01:33:18.000 Boom, go in.

01:33:20.000 Fucking kill.

01:33:21.000 Bang.

01:33:21.000 Come offstage.

01:33:22.000 Yo, they need somebody at Dangerfields.

01:33:25.000 He says, well, the guy, Tony, just came offstage.

01:33:28.000 Bang.

01:33:29.000 I said, where's Dangerfields?

01:33:30.000 He kind of looked at me like, what?

01:33:32.000 It was across the street.

01:33:33.000 Went to Dangerfields and went onstage after Roseanne.

01:33:36.000 Roseanne had like a bathroom and everything.

01:33:39.000 And I went up there, did another 10-minute spot, kill.

01:33:42.000 And then some guy, I still have not seen this guy.

01:33:46.000 He was a white guy.

01:33:47.000 He was like maybe...

01:33:48.000 He was like in his 30s or early 40s then.

01:33:53.000 And he was like, hey, what the fuck?

01:33:55.000 What's going on here?

01:33:56.000 Who's this guy doing my spots?

01:33:57.000 They told me to...

01:33:59.000 Because I was innocent, but I wasn't that innocent.

01:34:02.000 But I still did two spots.

01:34:04.000 You kind of knew it wasn't your spot.

01:34:06.000 That's hilarious.

01:34:08.000 I knew Dangerfields was definitely not my spot.

01:34:10.000 But when the MC said, Tony, whoever, as I'm walking on stage, I'm like, I'm not going to correct that motherfucker.

01:34:19.000 I don't care.

01:34:20.000 I just went up and did my thing.

01:34:22.000 I figured they just misunderstood my name on the videotape.

01:34:25.000 I honestly thought...

01:34:28.000 That the guy had seen my videotape and go, oh, this guy's got to go.

01:34:32.000 He's got to come on stage.

01:34:34.000 But no, they were calling some other name Tony.

01:34:36.000 I don't know who he was.

01:34:37.000 That's hilarious.

01:34:38.000 I haven't seen him anymore.

01:34:41.000 So when I came back to New York in 91, I never saw that guy.

01:34:46.000 So I guess he's rude kind of Tony somebody.

01:34:49.000 I always check around.

01:34:54.000 It's funny people that you meet early in your career and just lose touch with them and then catch up with them again.

01:35:01.000 It's a strange road to be on.

01:35:03.000 Yes.

01:35:03.000 Be a professional comedian for all these many, many years.

01:35:08.000 You meet somebody, and they're really good, really funny, like in the beginning, and then you just run across them and they go, hey, man, how you doing?

01:35:16.000 Still doing your comedy?

01:35:17.000 I catch you on TV every time.

01:35:19.000 I always tell my wife about you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:35:23.000 He's super successful.

01:35:25.000 I ran into a guy the other day.

01:35:27.000 He's a pastor.

01:35:27.000 He runs his own church and this and that.

01:35:30.000 He said, man, I'm proud of you, man.

01:35:32.000 I'm glad you stuck with it, man.

01:35:36.000 Because I remember being at that crossroad just like he was.

01:35:40.000 Like, what you gonna do, dawg?

01:35:41.000 What are you gonna do?

01:35:42.000 I'm like...

01:35:43.000 What are you gonna do?

01:35:45.000 I really didn't make up my mind until I was in Birmingham, Alabama with my man, rest in peace again, Vic Henley.

01:35:53.000 We did the Birmingham Comedy Club.

01:35:55.000 And that's when they called me and said, you've been activated.

01:35:57.000 Now I've been messing around.

01:35:59.000 I was doing comedy.

01:35:59.000 I was in the reserves.

01:36:00.000 But now they're talking about you've been activated, you're going to the war.

01:36:03.000 And I was like, damn.

01:36:05.000 And I remember Vic said, man, don't worry about him.

01:36:08.000 He's gonna be okay, Tony, man.

01:36:10.000 You remember Vic Henley?

01:36:11.000 Yeah, I remember him.

01:36:12.000 As a matter of fact, he used to open up for, uh, what's his name?

01:36:15.000 Tonight at the club.

01:36:17.000 Come on, man.

01:36:19.000 Blue Collar.

01:36:20.000 Ron White?

01:36:21.000 Ron White?

01:36:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:22.000 He used to tour Ron White.

01:36:23.000 Yeah, I know.

01:36:25.000 I did Opie and Anthony with him once.

01:36:27.000 Yeah.

01:36:27.000 I believe him.

01:36:28.000 Come on, darling, man.

01:36:28.000 He's gonna be okay.

01:36:29.000 I might have been on the phone.

01:36:31.000 He used to always say, he said, now didn't I tell you you're gonna be okay?

01:36:35.000 Yeah.

01:36:35.000 Maybe I didn't do Opie and Anthony with him.

01:36:37.000 I did something with him.

01:36:38.000 I can't remember.

01:36:40.000 Maybe, uh...

01:36:40.000 But he was on Opie and Anthony quite a bit.

01:36:43.000 Yeah.

01:36:44.000 Good dude, man.

01:36:45.000 Me, him, and a guy named Chris Kelly.

01:36:47.000 Chris Kelly was a little guy from, uh...

01:36:51.000 Yeah.

01:36:52.000 Yeah.

01:36:54.000 Hell yeah.

01:36:55.000 What?

01:36:58.000 He was a little guy from what?

01:37:00.000 He was from Berman Man.

01:37:02.000 No, he was from Huntsville, Alabama, but we were all on the show.

01:37:06.000 And the guy from the reserve unit, bastard, he held the phone.

01:37:10.000 I was about to go on stage and the lady says, Tony, you got an emergency phone call in the office?

01:37:15.000 I'm like, was it a woman?

01:37:16.000 Because I'm like, if it wasn't my mom or my wife, you know, about the kids.

01:37:21.000 And then she said, it's in my hand.

01:37:23.000 I'm like, I'm a fucking old man.

01:37:25.000 I figured it was one of my buddies going, hey, man, can you hook me up with a show?

01:37:29.000 Can you hook me up with free tickets?

01:37:31.000 Went up, did my thing.

01:37:32.000 I was on stage maybe like 20, 25 minutes, came down, watched the whole Vic Henley show, and then we're going to leave.

01:37:38.000 We're going to go get something to eat.

01:37:40.000 And then she says, that man's still holding for you in the office town.

01:37:45.000 I picked up the phone.

01:37:46.000 I said, hello?

01:37:47.000 He says, Petty Officer Woods.

01:37:49.000 I'm like, Let me go get him.

01:37:52.000 He says, go ahead, Woods, man, I know that's you.

01:37:54.000 Fuck!

01:37:55.000 Like that, because as long as they didn't contact me, I didn't have to show up, but I had to show up.

01:38:01.000 And from there, I was supposed to go to, oh, what's it called?

01:38:05.000 So if you didn't answer that phone, you wouldn't have had to go anywhere?

01:38:08.000 I mean, until they caught me.

01:38:12.000 Soon or later, they would have caught me.

01:38:13.000 But I wasn't running.

01:38:15.000 I just had not gotten a call yet.

01:38:17.000 It wasn't like now where you could just sell.

01:38:20.000 You weren't that easy to put your fingers on back then.

01:38:23.000 And I'm a road comic.

01:38:26.000 I'm on the road.

01:38:27.000 You know, all you can do is call my house and say, well, let me know when he'll be back or he'll be leaving a message.

01:38:33.000 And if he'd have left a message, he'd know I was not going to answer that shit.

01:38:38.000 I was going to say, hey!

01:38:40.000 My answer machine broke it, motherfucker.

01:38:43.000 And I was supposed to go to Ocala and then Fort Myers and then Key West.

01:38:50.000 Instead, I went to Bowling Air Force Base.

01:38:54.000 Jesus Christ.

01:38:55.000 But it was okay.

01:38:57.000 But having something that sucks afterwards, you got a lot of shit to talk about.

01:39:01.000 Yeah.

01:39:02.000 So it was cool.

01:39:04.000 We had a ball.

01:39:06.000 Thank you for your service.

01:39:07.000 That's what they say.

01:39:10.000 Yeah, I'm glad I got that prostate thing out.

01:39:12.000 It must have been wild doing stand-up and being in the service at the same time.

01:39:16.000 It was cool.

01:39:17.000 Well, I wasn't...

01:39:19.000 I wasn't doing...

01:39:21.000 Yeah, I wasn't...

01:39:21.000 Well, when I went back, I was a little bit of a celebrity at Camp Lejeune because I was on...

01:39:27.000 A show called Tell Me Something Good on BET. Like, most people didn't have BET back then.

01:39:33.000 As a matter of fact, when a guy told me, he says, hey, did you do a show?

01:39:38.000 I work for BET. I'm like, alright, dawg.

01:39:41.000 He was just like another...

01:39:43.000 He's like another Virgo with a business card to me.

01:39:45.000 I'm like, whatever, man.

01:39:46.000 Yeah, man, I produced this and I produced that.

01:39:48.000 I'm like, come on, get the fuck out of here.

01:39:50.000 But he said, I produced the show.

01:39:51.000 I said, what's that name?

01:39:53.000 He says, Black Entertainment Television.

01:39:54.000 I just started laughing.

01:39:56.000 I was like, ah, that's funny as shit.

01:39:58.000 And the next day...

01:39:59.000 My wife called me at work.

01:40:00.000 I was a bike messenger, too.

01:40:02.000 My wife called me, and my dispatcher said, yo, you got to give a landline and give the rest of your packages off to such and such.

01:40:09.000 I'm like, for what?

01:40:10.000 She said, emergency phone call.

01:40:11.000 I'm like, fuck.

01:40:13.000 So I call, and she said, you got to go home, and da-da-da-da, and you should wear this and wear that and wear this.

01:40:18.000 I'm like, for what?

01:40:18.000 She said, you going to be on television this evening.

01:40:20.000 I'm like, what are you talking about?

01:40:22.000 And she says, yeah, the guy from BET called, and I called him back, and blah, blah, blah.

01:40:27.000 I'm like, yeah, I met that motherfucker last night.

01:40:30.000 He said he worked for some people called Black Examine Television.

01:40:33.000 She says, yes, that's a real thing, Tony.

01:40:35.000 I'm like, for real?

01:40:37.000 I was on some June team shit.

01:40:40.000 I ain't know.

01:40:43.000 I was like, for real?

01:40:44.000 We got our own network?

01:40:46.000 Motherfucker.

01:40:46.000 You guys can go.

01:40:49.000 So basically, it was kind of a...

01:40:51.000 For me, because I was like, everybody knew about this network but me?

01:40:54.000 Right.

01:40:55.000 And that's the first...

01:40:56.000 But anyway, so when I'm down in the campus room, people would know me.

01:41:01.000 And this is the misconception about television.

01:41:03.000 Everybody's like, man, what you doing here, man?

01:41:06.000 You rich?

01:41:08.000 Because we got $100 a day for that show.

01:41:13.000 But people watching on television, they figure...

01:41:17.000 Yeah, they just assume you're rich.

01:41:18.000 They assume you're rich, yeah.

01:41:20.000 As a matter of fact, we went to go see New Jack City, and the guy says, I got in a fight that night, because I was already frustrated, and Rock was in that.

01:41:32.000 He says, so do you know him?

01:41:34.000 I'm like, yeah, I know him.

01:41:35.000 Yeah, right!

01:41:40.000 Me and Rock and Tommy Davidson had done a comedy tour called the Slitsmalt Liquor Bull Comedy Tour.

01:41:48.000 We went to Chicago.

01:41:50.000 We went to a lot of places, man.

01:41:52.000 Me and Tommy Davidson.

01:41:53.000 And then, you know...

01:41:56.000 To me, I felt like I'm stuck here.

01:41:58.000 I don't know how long this war gonna last.

01:41:59.000 I don't know when.

01:42:00.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:42:02.000 And then you see guys you work with, and they're on television and stuff, like, in the movies and stuff, and this fucking asshole's going, you think you bad because you know.

01:42:10.000 Like, oh, fuck it.

01:42:12.000 And then we got in a fight at, what's the place where you pull up and they roller skate, bring your food?

01:42:18.000 I know what you're talking about when those, yeah, roller diners or whatever they call them.

01:42:23.000 What do they call those things?

01:42:25.000 Just diners, right?

01:42:27.000 In Jacksonville, North Carolina.

01:42:28.000 We got them fighting.

01:42:29.000 We got them fighting.

01:42:30.000 That was bad.

01:42:32.000 Because I couldn't take it.

01:42:33.000 Oh, yeah.

01:42:34.000 And, oh, yeah.

01:42:35.000 Should I say this on the podcast?

01:42:36.000 Yeah.

01:42:36.000 Yeah, because I went to the ATM to get some money, but my ex-wife took all my money because she had power of attorney.

01:42:44.000 So I didn't have money to go see the movie where I saw my buddy in the movie.

01:42:48.000 And then this motherfucker is screaming at me going, yeah.

01:42:52.000 He said, well, do you know him?

01:42:53.000 Do you know him?

01:42:54.000 I'm like, I know Chris Rock.

01:42:55.000 I don't know the other guy.

01:42:56.000 Yeah, right.

01:42:57.000 He was just...

01:42:58.000 And then we got to the place.

01:43:01.000 Sonic.

01:43:02.000 I think it's called Sonic.

01:43:03.000 Get to the place.

01:43:04.000 I got to borrow money from one of my other buddies.

01:43:07.000 And that motherfucker's just gone.

01:43:10.000 Next thing you know, he got banana milkshake all over him.

01:43:16.000 I wasn't really fighting him.

01:43:17.000 I think I was fighting the person who cleared out my bank account.

01:43:21.000 Yeah.

01:43:22.000 He just caught you on a bad day.

01:43:23.000 He just caught me on a bad day.

01:43:24.000 Ooh, it was a bad day.

01:43:26.000 Because we were almost late for the movie, man, because we stopped at three different ATMs.

01:43:30.000 Because I'm like, well, maybe it's this one.

01:43:31.000 Maybe something's wrong with this.

01:43:33.000 Because I know I got some money.

01:43:35.000 Oh.

01:43:37.000 Don't worry about the woods, man.

01:43:38.000 Fuck it, I'll just pay your way.

01:43:40.000 So, guys, popcorn too.

01:43:47.000 See, comedy is very therapeutic, isn't it?

01:43:51.000 Well, it's definitely the only way, other than time, to take a negative and turn it into a positive.

01:44:00.000 Comedy can do it pretty quickly.

01:44:02.000 It can change your perspective on things pretty quickly.

01:44:09.000 Yeah.

01:44:10.000 I feel better about the bathtub.

01:44:13.000 Yeah, because that's been hanging heavy on me, man, just because that dude said, hey, we'll just remove it.

01:44:19.000 Yeah.

01:44:21.000 You should probably try this at the very least.

01:44:24.000 I am.

01:44:24.000 And I figured this was just a God sin because all of a sudden, because I'm like, I watch you and I'm like, Joe seems to know a lot of shit.

01:44:34.000 I'm pretty sure he might have an answer that my primary care doctor doesn't have.

01:44:39.000 Bam.

01:44:39.000 That's ridiculous.

01:44:42.000 I just got lucky that I read that article.

01:44:45.000 That's all it is.

01:44:46.000 But I have been doing the cold plunge for months now.

01:44:50.000 I guess like more than a year.

01:44:53.000 But like very regularly, like every day for months.

01:44:56.000 Is it for pain?

01:44:58.000 No, I do it because it makes me feel really good.

01:45:01.000 When I do it, then I get out of it, you get this rush of endorphins that last for hours, and you feel amazing.

01:45:09.000 You feel way better.

01:45:10.000 Do you know what?

01:45:13.000 Right next to my mother's primary care doctor on Wisconsin Avenue, and it's not D.C., it's really Bethesda.

01:45:22.000 There's a place right next to it.

01:45:24.000 And I'm like, see?

01:45:26.000 See?

01:45:27.000 See?

01:45:27.000 I'm going to tell you something about racialism.

01:45:31.000 It can be so ignorant.

01:45:33.000 Because I saw the people on the picture sitting in tubs of ice.

01:45:40.000 And I said, those Scorpios are crazy as shit.

01:45:45.000 And now I'm thinking, boom.

01:45:48.000 Maybe that Virgo should sit in that ice, too.

01:45:51.000 Because, no, I just had that thought of us leaving out of the doctor's office right here, and it's a place.

01:45:57.000 And I'm like...

01:45:58.000 Who would go in there?

01:45:59.000 Why do you waste your time?

01:46:00.000 I'm like, what is a cold plunge?

01:46:01.000 Why?

01:46:02.000 Yeah.

01:46:03.000 Right.

01:46:04.000 Yeah.

01:46:04.000 But on the picture, it's like, you know, it's, yeah, everybody's a Scorpio.

01:46:10.000 Well, there's like a couple of things are happening at the same time.

01:46:13.000 One of them that's happening is your body is...

01:46:17.000 Trying to protect itself by, like, rushing all the blood to the center of your body.

01:46:25.000 Like, you're fucking freezing in that thing.

01:46:28.000 Everything's like...

01:46:29.000 And you have a hard time breathing because you can't relax.

01:46:33.000 But once you learn how to just accept it...

01:46:37.000 Like that guy.

01:46:38.000 And then you just breathe.

01:46:39.000 You just breathe.

01:46:40.000 And if you do it for about, for me it's three minutes.

01:46:44.000 I get out after three minutes and I feel fucking amazing.

01:46:48.000 I feel like more relaxed, more in tune, more ready to go.

01:46:54.000 I talk about it so much it's getting annoying.

01:46:56.000 I should probably stop talking about it.

01:46:58.000 It's in Bethesda.

01:47:02.000 They have them all over the place.

01:47:03.000 But this one is right, and Bethesda's right.

01:47:06.000 Do you know D.C. Benny?

01:47:08.000 Yeah.

01:47:08.000 It's right in his neighborhood.

01:47:10.000 You know D.C. Benny and what's the other girl?

01:47:12.000 Wendy.

01:47:14.000 It's her neighborhood, too.

01:47:16.000 Well, whoever.

01:47:17.000 You should get in one.

01:47:19.000 I'm gonna get in one.

01:47:20.000 Yeah.

01:47:21.000 I'd be interested if you follow that.

01:47:22.000 I'll send you that article.

01:47:25.000 I know that one right there, and I just remember thinking, see, he's stupid.

01:47:30.000 I was...

01:47:32.000 Because, you know, I tell my kids that, like, how ignorant hate is.

01:47:38.000 It's because you can't hate somebody.

01:47:40.000 You gotta love somebody to truly hate them.

01:47:43.000 You know, you just can't hate somebody.

01:47:44.000 You gotta know them.

01:47:46.000 You can't just say, I fucking hate all steel pitchers.

01:47:49.000 You've never met a steel pitcher.

01:47:51.000 So...

01:47:53.000 You can hate...

01:47:54.000 I tried to tell them that when they were kids.

01:47:55.000 You can hate your wife because you know her.

01:48:00.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:48:03.000 That woman across the street with the orange dress, you can't say, I fucking hate that lady with the orange dress.

01:48:09.000 She don't know her.

01:48:10.000 But that one right there...

01:48:18.000 I did a bit about...

01:48:20.000 I was in Australia and I was in a tent.

01:48:22.000 Another animal story, I'm sorry.

01:48:24.000 I was in a tent and these people rushed by me because the music stopped playing.

01:48:28.000 Like that.

01:48:31.000 And they were running, like maybe 10 people, like a small group.

01:48:34.000 They weren't together but they were running.

01:48:36.000 And I'm like, fuck, you're not going to miss that much of the...

01:48:40.000 And they go by me, because the hallway is round, because the tent is round.

01:48:46.000 And as soon as I turn around, there's a tiger.

01:48:50.000 Yeah, a real tiger.

01:48:51.000 His face is like this big.

01:48:54.000 He's right there.

01:48:55.000 He has the saddest little look on his face.

01:48:57.000 And then I always say, because this is what happened, like four or five guys who sound like they've been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, With no jelly.

01:49:05.000 They were like...

01:49:06.000 Because they were Filipino.

01:49:09.000 But I'm not being racialist.

01:49:11.000 That's descriptive.

01:49:14.000 And they were popping him with some little thing and they pulled him.

01:49:17.000 And they kind of pulled him away.

01:49:19.000 But he was just wandering.

01:49:21.000 And when he wandered, those people ran.

01:49:24.000 They drugged him.

01:49:25.000 I don't know what happened.

01:49:26.000 He was very docile.

01:49:28.000 I went to a tiger park in Thailand.

01:49:32.000 It's weird because when they're young, there's a lot of supervisors in the room.

01:49:37.000 The young ones are fast and playful.

01:49:42.000 And then when they get a little bit older, someone always has to separate you from the cats.

01:49:47.000 But then when it gets to the big ones, those big ones just lay there like this.

01:49:52.000 His head was no guy this big.

01:49:55.000 Oh, they're huge.

01:49:56.000 And people sit next to them and take selfies.

01:49:58.000 So you have drugged up tigers in a cage, and people sit next to them.

01:50:03.000 And that's the thing that people do.

01:50:05.000 Yeah.

01:50:06.000 So the point I was making about how silly race is and how stupid it is, because when they almost knocked me down, you know, I got not popcorn, but actual corn on a cob that I bought from the vendor.

01:50:18.000 It almost knocked me down.

01:50:19.000 And I was angry because they...

01:50:23.000 Ran by me, almost knocked me down.

01:50:26.000 On stage, I say, fucking Australians.

01:50:29.000 But that's not what I said right then, under my breath.

01:50:32.000 I didn't say that loud, but then I turned around.

01:50:34.000 Boom.

01:50:35.000 It's not that they were white or Australian.

01:50:37.000 It's a goddamn tiger was coming.

01:50:41.000 I don't know how that explains itself, but you know what I mean?

01:50:44.000 Yeah.

01:50:45.000 Yeah.

01:50:46.000 Because at first, I was just saying something bad about them because they almost knocked my soda down and my corn.

01:50:54.000 But it could have been a group of black people, which I know would have got knocked down because they would have been running faster.

01:51:03.000 And then they've been screaming, too.

01:51:07.000 They were the quietest...

01:51:10.000 Like, if there was a tiger behind you, you say, ah!

01:51:15.000 You say something.

01:51:16.000 They just...

01:51:20.000 Everybody looked nervous, but they just ran.

01:51:24.000 And I think somebody could have said, run dude, a tiger's coming.

01:51:29.000 And nobody said, shit.

01:51:32.000 They just ran.

01:51:34.000 They just ran past me.

01:51:37.000 If I was running and you were coming this way, I would go, dude, here comes a tiger!

01:51:42.000 I wouldn't just go.

01:51:45.000 Better you than me, motherfucker!

01:51:48.000 That's gotta be one of the most terrifying ways to die.

01:51:51.000 Yeah.

01:51:52.000 There's probably nothing like it.

01:51:53.000 Unless you're a rat and it's an eagle.

01:51:56.000 Right.

01:51:57.000 That's probably just...

01:51:58.000 But it would be about the same, wouldn't it?

01:51:59.000 Because his big-ass hands would just go...

01:52:02.000 Yeah, they would just tear you apart.

01:52:04.000 But I'm just thinking for us, it'd be one of the scariest.

01:52:08.000 Yeah.

01:52:08.000 Because our brain is not gonna...

01:52:11.000 You're gonna hear him crunch your leg.

01:52:15.000 Oh, God.

01:52:18.000 He's gonna kill you, first of all.

01:52:20.000 Have you ever noticed a lot of animals, like you were talking about how the chimps ate the monkeys?

01:52:24.000 Yeah.

01:52:25.000 Because I think the butt is soft.

01:52:29.000 Yeah.

01:52:30.000 The guts.

01:52:31.000 Yeah.

01:52:32.000 So they're not going to bite your head.

01:52:34.000 Right.

01:52:35.000 They're going to start...

01:52:36.000 The head will bite back.

01:52:37.000 Yeah.

01:52:38.000 They're going to bite your butt out.

01:52:40.000 It's a horrible video.

01:52:42.000 No genitalia.

01:52:43.000 Because he's literally screaming.

01:52:44.000 That's my dick, man!

01:52:46.000 You're like, ah!

01:52:47.000 Oh!

01:52:51.000 Imagine if there were things as big as chimps that ate us.

01:52:55.000 You have to be real careful when you go outside.

01:52:58.000 Hippopotamuses.

01:52:59.000 Because nature does have this very strange balance.

01:53:02.000 Like, I watch a lot of videos on praying mantises.

01:53:05.000 I'm obsessed with praying mantises.

01:53:07.000 It's such a fascinating insect.

01:53:08.000 What do they do?

01:53:11.000 They kill hummingbirds.

01:53:13.000 They kill small rodents.

01:53:16.000 They kill all kinds of shit.

01:53:17.000 Anything that comes near them.

01:53:19.000 A prey is only that big.

01:53:20.000 I know, dude.

01:53:21.000 They kill hummingbirds.

01:53:22.000 They hang around bird feeders and they snatch hummingbirds out of the air.

01:53:27.000 You never seen this?

01:53:28.000 Never seen that.

01:53:28.000 Dude, praying mantises are fascinating.

01:53:31.000 I never heard they could do that.

01:53:33.000 And so the video that I watched was these ants killing a praying mantis.

01:53:38.000 The praying mantis was trying to kill the ants, but the ants like swarmed on top of them and then systematically cut off his head.

01:53:47.000 It was wild.

01:53:49.000 Teamwork makes it true.

01:53:53.000 Yeah, Jamie's gotta find Praying Mantis gets Hummingbird.

01:53:59.000 Who was that?

01:54:01.000 Woody Allen's movie?

01:54:02.000 When Christopher Walken was the praying mantis?

01:54:07.000 I don't remember that.

01:54:08.000 So check this out.

01:54:09.000 There's a praying mantis, right?

01:54:10.000 Here comes the bird.

01:54:13.000 Watch this though, it's wild.

01:54:21.000 Seems to know not to get too close to it.

01:54:23.000 Mama!

01:54:24.000 Look at that.

01:54:24.000 Bam, got you.

01:54:25.000 It got him, didn't it?

01:54:27.000 Isn't that insane?

01:54:29.000 I mean, look at that fucking power that insect has.

01:54:33.000 How is he that much stronger then?

01:54:35.000 What was that?

01:54:36.000 It's because it's the person who was...

01:54:39.000 They didn't want it to keep happening, which is rude.

01:54:42.000 Because that bird's dead.

01:54:44.000 Now that you just fucked up the pretty man.

01:54:46.000 Oh, he didn't put one...

01:54:48.000 He just hooked him.

01:54:49.000 He's got hooks for hands.

01:54:52.000 They have like the end of their hands.

01:54:56.000 They just clap down on things.

01:54:59.000 They're like these barbed hooks.

01:55:03.000 He snags them.

01:55:05.000 And look how fucking strong they are.

01:55:09.000 Arachnids, like spiders, they're so much stronger than they would be if they were a person, like with our kind of anatomy.

01:55:19.000 Our size, you know, skin and bones and all that stuff.

01:55:23.000 That design of that exoskeleton design that a lot of these insects have, along with this insane leverage they have.

01:55:30.000 You got like daggers in it.

01:55:32.000 Yeah, but he's also just stupid fucking strong.

01:55:38.000 They're so much stronger than a little mammal would be if it was that size.

01:55:48.000 These things are insane.

01:55:49.000 Look at the fucking body structure on them.

01:55:52.000 Whoa, don't tell me you're gonna kill a snake.

01:55:54.000 Oh, he's gonna eat the fuck out of this snake.

01:55:56.000 Dude, they eat the fuck out of everything.

01:56:01.000 I mean, it's an amazing design.

01:56:04.000 I mean, look at the hooks that he has for these arms.

01:56:10.000 Yeah, I see all of that spikes and shit.

01:56:12.000 So I don't like this, because they're showing this to us.

01:56:15.000 Why didn't they show us the kill shot?

01:56:17.000 He's already eaten it.

01:56:18.000 That's a really small snake, though.

01:56:20.000 That looks like they gave him that snake.

01:56:23.000 Look at these motherfuckers.

01:56:24.000 They did it for the gram.

01:56:26.000 Yeah.

01:56:27.000 This one is too.

01:56:27.000 It's like a set-up fight.

01:56:29.000 Oh, so the lizard ate...

01:56:30.000 Oh boy, they have set-up fights.

01:56:33.000 Oh yeah, there's a website for this where you can watch all sorts of insects go at it.

01:56:37.000 So that lizard...

01:56:38.000 Mantis and a scorpion.

01:56:41.000 Who wins that one?

01:56:44.000 You know, like, I don't like dogfights.

01:56:47.000 I would not want to watch a dogfight, but I do not mind watching Mantis and Scorpions do battle with each other.

01:56:57.000 Here we go.

01:56:59.000 Boy, I don't know.

01:57:02.000 Scorpion looks like he's gonna fuck him up.

01:57:07.000 No, he's already sick.

01:57:09.000 What's happening here?

01:57:11.000 What is he doing?

01:57:13.000 He's just climbing on him?

01:57:15.000 Yeah, there's other bugs that the mantis wants.

01:57:18.000 So he's gonna steal these other bugs.

01:57:22.000 So it's like, are they gonna fight over food?

01:57:24.000 Like, what does the scorpion eat?

01:57:31.000 So he's gonna eat on him.

01:57:33.000 That's how disrespectful that mantis is.

01:57:35.000 Look how disrespectful he is.

01:57:37.000 I'm gonna stand on you while I eat.

01:57:39.000 Yeah, and that's his whip right there.

01:57:42.000 Crazy.

01:57:44.000 Okay, now he's decided to eat the scorpion?

01:57:47.000 Yeah.

01:57:47.000 Oh my god.

01:57:49.000 Fuck you too.

01:57:50.000 Bro, if he eats this fucking scorpion, think about how small that thing is in comparison to the scorpion.

01:57:56.000 He cannot, no.

01:57:59.000 He's got one hook in.

01:58:00.000 He's trying to eat the scorpion.

01:58:02.000 He's using the wall for leverage.

01:58:04.000 He's using the wall for leverage.

01:58:06.000 Look at this.

01:58:07.000 He's climbing the cage.

01:58:09.000 Does he give up after a while?

01:58:13.000 Can he not break the surface?

01:58:14.000 Oh my god, he's still going.

01:58:20.000 Obviously it's poison.

01:58:21.000 Who fucking wins?

01:58:22.000 I don't know.

01:58:23.000 Oh, it looks like the...

01:58:24.000 What happened?

01:58:25.000 Back it up a little.

01:58:26.000 He fucked him up.

01:58:27.000 Yeah, he fucked up.

01:58:28.000 Oh, he fucked up.

01:58:29.000 He got caught in the Pinterest.

01:58:31.000 Oh, that's all they give you?

01:58:31.000 Yeah, they don't show it.

01:58:33.000 Interesting.

01:58:34.000 If I was them too, I'd make you a pay-per-view for that.

01:58:36.000 Peace, bitch.

01:58:37.000 Yeah, you fucked up.

01:58:39.000 You got cocky.

01:58:39.000 You didn't plan ahead.

01:58:42.000 It couldn't break through the scorpion's tissue.

01:58:45.000 That was dope.

01:58:46.000 Whatever that armor is.

01:58:47.000 I had no idea praying mantis was...

01:58:49.000 They're so gangster.

01:58:51.000 But get the ants kill praying mantis.

01:58:55.000 I have...

01:58:56.000 They dissected it.

01:58:57.000 They like clinically dissected it.

01:58:59.000 Like cut off the arms, cut off the head.

01:59:02.000 I've thumped them before.

01:59:04.000 Just...

01:59:05.000 Wow.

01:59:08.000 So this praying mantis is eating some ants.

01:59:13.000 Just trying to shake them.

01:59:14.000 Uh-uh.

01:59:16.000 Yeah, they all start swarming them though.

01:59:22.000 So he's getting a few of them.

01:59:24.000 He fucked that dude up.

01:59:25.000 Yeah.

01:59:26.000 But now they're on them.

01:59:27.000 That's a distraction.

01:59:29.000 This is wild.

01:59:31.000 Because this is so tiny that we don't understand how wild this is.

01:59:39.000 If we were watching this and these are big, like the size of lions, you know how amazing this would be?

01:59:47.000 If lions fought a giant.

01:59:51.000 That's what this would be.

01:59:53.000 But even weirder, because these insects, the way insects look...

01:59:57.000 Is that the queen?

01:59:59.000 It's a big one.

02:00:01.000 Does the Queen go to battle?

02:00:03.000 There's a few of those big ones though.

02:00:07.000 I don't know if the Queen would risk it all for that, but these ants just chopped the shit out of this dude.

02:00:15.000 Look how many of them are coming out of the hole too.

02:00:18.000 Just coming out ready to go to war.

02:00:24.000 How do they communicate?

02:00:26.000 I mean, that's what I want to know.

02:00:28.000 How do they organize?

02:00:29.000 How do they know?

02:00:32.000 Like, this is why, look, they just cut his fucking head off.

02:00:35.000 Sorry, bitch.

02:00:39.000 I mean, what?

02:00:41.000 How amazing is this?

02:00:43.000 Just watching this is fucking insane.

02:00:48.000 And it's crowded.

02:00:49.000 If we went to another planet and we saw things like this, but they were big, like German Shepherd size, we're observing that, people would be utterly fascinated.

02:00:59.000 Look how many of them there are together in this little canal.

02:01:03.000 Somehow they're communicating together.

02:01:05.000 And they wear armor.

02:01:06.000 Yeah.

02:01:06.000 We just accept it because they're little.

02:01:09.000 Because it's really, really little.

02:01:11.000 We're not amazed by it.

02:01:12.000 Yeah.

02:01:14.000 You know, we're only amazed by things that are...

02:01:16.000 I wonder what's little to them.

02:01:18.000 ...a certain size.

02:01:19.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:01:20.000 Like an ant is this big, I wonder what does an ant go?

02:01:22.000 Get out of here!

02:01:24.000 Probably fungus.

02:01:25.000 Yeah.

02:01:26.000 Get out of here!

02:01:26.000 Well, definitely fungus, actually, because...

02:01:28.000 Have you ever seen what happens with the cordyceps mushroom in ants?

02:01:34.000 Cordyceps mushroom can infect ants, and it makes them grow spores out of their body.

02:01:41.000 So mushroom spores, and then the spores explode, infecting the whole colony.

02:01:48.000 So these ants know when an ant's been infected, and they know that it's going to explode.

02:01:55.000 So they have to drag it out.

02:01:58.000 So they're dragging it out like it's a time-release bomb.

02:02:01.000 And they're hoping they get outside of their village before it blows up.

02:02:06.000 Because if it doesn't, all the other people see it growing out of his head.

02:02:12.000 The cordyceps mushroom has infected this ant and now it's using its body to grow.

02:02:18.000 It's the premise behind that zombie show on HBO, The Last of Us.

02:02:24.000 The premise is that this infects people.

02:02:28.000 Because this fungus, when it pops, it blows all these spores in the air.

02:02:36.000 And when it blows all these spores in the air, then...

02:02:38.000 It's chemical warfare.

02:02:39.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:02:40.000 It's just trying to infect all the...

02:02:42.000 I mean, imagine if you found a family member lying there with a giant spore growing out of its back, a giant sack of spores, just whatever it is for a mushroom, and it's just ready to spray.

02:02:56.000 Gotta get him out the house.

02:02:57.000 Yeah, fuck.

02:02:58.000 We're gonna miss you, dawg.

02:03:00.000 And you just got a greasy bandana tied around your head, hoping they don't get you, and where you're dragging this body out of town.

02:03:09.000 Well, just...

02:03:11.000 So, I guess the way that...

02:03:12.000 It just...

02:03:14.000 It's like somebody swallowed a bomb with their fungus.

02:03:20.000 Yeah, it's like somebody swallowed a bomb.

02:03:21.000 Especially if it's in like a crowded area.

02:03:24.000 Like if that happened and people like burst, people got infected by cortisol mushrooms in like a subway and burst out into the subway and coughed and sprayed, all those people would be infected.

02:03:36.000 Question.

02:03:37.000 With all the mantis crazy videos you've seen, and that ant is being controlled by that cordyceps mushroom, which is not a parasite, but many mantises are controlled by this horsehair parasite.

02:03:48.000 Yeah, I've heard about this.

02:03:50.000 What if that's creating that crazy behavior?

02:03:52.000 Yes, maybe.

02:03:54.000 This is what's crazy.

02:03:54.000 When you put the mantises in water, that black snake comes out of its asshole.

02:03:58.000 That is crazy.

02:03:59.000 There's so many videos of it.

02:04:01.000 Isn't that nuts?

02:04:05.000 So that thing lives in its body.

02:04:07.000 But it can't get in the water.

02:04:09.000 It hates the water.

02:04:10.000 It hates the water.

02:04:11.000 Look how big it is.

02:04:13.000 I mean, how wild is that?

02:04:15.000 Wow.

02:04:16.000 That's probably why he's so strong.

02:04:18.000 He's like, um...

02:04:19.000 He's possessed.

02:04:20.000 What's his name?

02:04:21.000 Venom.

02:04:21.000 Yeah, Venom.

02:04:22.000 It is Venom!

02:04:23.000 It is Venom!

02:04:25.000 It's Venom, yeah.

02:04:26.000 Oh my God, it's a real life Venom.

02:04:28.000 And he's the praying man that's just going, I'm gonna die.

02:04:31.000 You're not gonna die.

02:04:32.000 It's a real life venom.

02:04:34.000 Wow, that is crazy.

02:04:36.000 That's nuts.

02:04:37.000 Look at it.

02:04:38.000 It's just like an evil snake that lives in its body.

02:04:42.000 And look how, yeah.

02:04:44.000 It even looks sinister.

02:04:46.000 It looks alien.

02:04:48.000 Like, just thinking that something like that would live in something that size.

02:04:52.000 Yeah, and he's not letting him out, is he?

02:04:55.000 I think it's out now.

02:04:56.000 It's out of his body, but...

02:04:58.000 But his mind ain't right.

02:04:59.000 No, it's still attached to his butt.

02:05:01.000 Is he trying to climb back in?

02:05:02.000 Yeah, but just imagine.

02:05:03.000 Oh my god, is he trying to climb back in?

02:05:05.000 Is that what's really going on here?

02:05:07.000 It's trying to climb back up his butt!

02:05:10.000 And he's trying to eat it.

02:05:11.000 He's like, fuck you, you've been inside of me.

02:05:13.000 I'm gonna put you inside the other way.

02:05:14.000 So he doesn't even know if he did that.

02:05:15.000 It would probably just make more of those in its gut.

02:05:18.000 Is that just regular water or they got something in it?

02:05:21.000 That's a good question.

02:05:22.000 I think it's just water.

02:05:23.000 I wonder, like, if you eat it, if that thing grows in your gut.

02:05:28.000 Oh, man.

02:05:29.000 If that's how the cycle is created?

02:05:31.000 Yeah.

02:05:31.000 Because it seems like he wants to eat it.

02:05:33.000 Maybe he wants to be venom again.

02:05:35.000 Maybe once he gets out, he'll become a bitch.

02:05:37.000 Yeah.

02:05:40.000 Hummingbirds are cool.

02:05:42.000 I don't want to kill hummingbirds.

02:05:44.000 I just eat dead bugs I find laying around.

02:05:46.000 He was sick and his buddy said, I killed a bird, I did this.

02:05:51.000 He said, fuck out of here.

02:05:53.000 He was venom.

02:05:55.000 Is that a large percentage of mantises are infected by that?

02:06:00.000 I had heard that.

02:06:02.000 This other article about it says that the parasite is what forces him to go into water.

02:06:09.000 Oh, to get the fucker, to get him on it.

02:06:12.000 Oh, so the parasite forces them to go into water so it can hatch?

02:06:16.000 I don't know.

02:06:18.000 Well, that was the case with grasshoppers, right?

02:06:21.000 With grasshoppers, we talked about that before.

02:06:23.000 It was that there's this parasite that's some sort of a worm, aquatic worm, and it grows inside the grasshopper's body and then convinces the grasshopper to commit suicide so it can be born.

02:06:38.000 So it just takes over the grasshopper's brain, like, get in that water, bitch!

02:06:44.000 And it comes out of the grasshopper's body.

02:06:48.000 Wow.

02:06:48.000 Yeah, so it's piloting the grasshopper.

02:06:51.000 Can this thing be the grasshopper?

02:06:53.000 Could it be the grasshopper?

02:06:57.000 A praying mantis, can he beat up a grasshopper?

02:06:59.000 Oh yeah, praying mantis will fuck up a grasshopper.

02:07:01.000 Oh, so they were better?

02:07:03.000 I think they...

02:07:04.000 I bet a lot of the insects have parasites inside of them.

02:07:07.000 I bet it's probably pretty common.

02:07:09.000 It's an interesting relationship.

02:07:11.000 Like, what's his name?

02:07:12.000 The little guy with the hand, Napoleon.

02:07:15.000 He had a parasite?

02:07:17.000 Yeah, syphilis.

02:07:18.000 Oh yeah, that's VD. But a lot of people have toxoplasmosis.

02:07:27.000 Toxoplasmosis, I think it's called Toxoplasmosis gondii.

02:07:30.000 It's a parasite that is from cats.

02:07:35.000 So the way cats get it is they get it from rats.

02:07:39.000 And when rats get it, rats, for whatever reason, when they get this parasite, their testes swell up, they get hard-ons, and they get sexually aroused at the smell of cat urine.

02:07:53.000 So it tricks their body into thinking that cat urine, it's like it tricks their, hijacks their sexual reward system to like seek out cat urine.

02:08:02.000 So they're going after cat urine and it erases their fear of cats.

02:08:05.000 So what it's doing is encouraging them to get killed by cats.

02:08:09.000 So the cats eat them and the only way this toxoplasmosis reproduces is inside the guts of a cat.

02:08:17.000 And then the cats shit it out.

02:08:19.000 And that's why they tell pregnant women to never handle cat litter.

02:08:22.000 Because you can handle cat litter and get toxo and it can be very bad for you and the baby.

02:08:28.000 Napoleon's retreating army felled by parasites.

02:08:35.000 Ever since his catastrophic retreat from Moscow, the terrible losses suffered by Napoleon's soldiers have been blamed on hunger and the biting cold of the Russian winter.

02:08:49.000 But according to new research by French scientists, the fabled Grand Armée, reduced to 30,000 men by December of 1812 from a total of 600,000 to 700,000 just six months earlier, was actually felled by parasites.

02:09:05.000 Researchers led by Dider-Rault of the National Science Research Center in Marseille.

02:09:11.000 How do you say that?

02:09:12.000 Marseille?

02:09:12.000 Marcel.

02:09:13.000 Marcel?

02:09:14.000 Yeah.

02:09:15.000 Have analyzed the DNA of 72 teeth extracted from 35 skeletons removed from a mass military grave near Vilnius in present-day Lithuania in 1995. They found minute traces of microbes associated with typhus and trench fever,

02:09:32.000 deadly diseases transmitted by fleas and lice in the dental matter of 10 Neapolic soldiers, the newspaper Le Figaro reported yesterday.

02:09:45.000 They had to all get it because it's cold.

02:09:47.000 They're fighting in the winter.

02:09:49.000 So they've got to be huddled up.

02:09:50.000 So everybody...

02:09:52.000 So typhus.

02:09:55.000 Interesting.

02:09:57.000 So at one point there was 691,000.

02:10:02.000 It got down to 30,000.

02:10:03.000 It was all from...

02:10:05.000 Parasites?

02:10:05.000 Most of it.

02:10:06.000 It said cold and hunger did most of it, but great tolls definitely from disease.

02:10:11.000 Wow.

02:10:12.000 And if you're cold and hungry, you're bottled up together.

02:10:15.000 We're talking about 600,000 people dying from either being cold or fleas.

02:10:22.000 Six months.

02:10:23.000 Holy shit.

02:10:25.000 It's like 3,000 a day.

02:10:26.000 Limbs were falling off.

02:10:28.000 Oh my god.

02:10:29.000 They looked just like that ant you just saw.

02:10:32.000 And then the sanitary conditions when you have that many bodies.

02:10:35.000 Like, where are you putting these bodies?

02:10:37.000 They're gonna all rot.

02:10:39.000 Who's gonna be around?

02:10:40.000 Who's healthy enough to move these bodies around?

02:10:43.000 And just imagine you build a house on that land.

02:10:46.000 Oh, jeez.

02:10:48.000 You dig up the wolves.

02:10:52.000 That's my absolute favorite story of World War I. What?

02:10:57.000 In World War I, they had to have a ceasefire between the Germans and the Russians because there were so many of them getting killed by wolves.

02:11:03.000 Damn.

02:11:04.000 So they said, let's stop killing each other and kill these fucking wolves.

02:11:07.000 And so they killed the wolves and then went back to killing each other.

02:11:10.000 Right on.

02:11:11.000 As you should.

02:11:14.000 But I'm sure the wolves are like these guys out here fucking up.

02:11:17.000 Well, what would happen is they were fighting trench warfare so someone would get shot and they would be screaming and maybe they'd be way the fuck over there and it's nighttime and these wolves get in those trenches and they smell blood and they'll pull that motherfucker out of the trench.

02:11:32.000 So people were screaming, screaming while they're getting eaten alive by wolves.

02:11:37.000 So you're sitting there huddled with your rifle You can't jump up because the Germans will shoot you.

02:11:41.000 Yeah.

02:11:42.000 Or the Russians will shoot you.

02:11:44.000 It's one or two.

02:11:45.000 It's the wolves or the...

02:11:46.000 And so they had to have conversations.

02:11:48.000 They were sending scouts out, and they would disappear.

02:11:53.000 And then they'd go find a boot, and they're torn apart, bloody clothing.

02:11:58.000 And they realized these people were getting swarmed by wolves.

02:12:00.000 There were so many wolves up there that the wolves had taken to hunting people because they'd eaten so many soldiers.

02:12:08.000 Mm-hmm.

02:12:09.000 Yeah, so it becomes a primary food source.

02:12:12.000 Dead human beings left on the battlefield in World War I were a primary food source to the wolves in that area.

02:12:20.000 And I imagine it's just like the lions again because it's easier.

02:12:25.000 Much easier.

02:12:26.000 You know how many people have to get killed by wolves before you decide to have a fucking meeting with your fellow humans that you were just killing six months ago?

02:12:36.000 We gotta do something.

02:12:38.000 We're losing too many guys to wolves.

02:12:39.000 This is crazy.

02:12:41.000 We gotta admit, we hate each other, but we hate wolves more.

02:12:47.000 Welves used to be terrifying.

02:12:50.000 That's what Little Red Riding Hood was all about.

02:12:52.000 That was what the Three Little Pigs were all about.

02:12:55.000 Like, they were fucking terrifying.

02:12:57.000 And somewhere along the line, people forgot to be scared of them when they killed them all off in the West.

02:13:03.000 So they're like, let's bring them back.

02:13:05.000 We miss the wolves.

02:13:07.000 Let's bring them back.

02:13:08.000 Are you fucking sure?

02:13:10.000 The wolf was probably one of the first members of the LBGSTMJ. Because remember, he just went in there to put on that dress, man.

02:13:21.000 Remember he had the dress on?

02:13:22.000 And she came in.

02:13:23.000 That's right.

02:13:24.000 Yeah, she's like, hey, what you doing?

02:13:25.000 Because she knew it was him, but she's like, what big eyes you have?

02:13:30.000 She's trying to back out.

02:13:31.000 She's like, because she knows she can't run from him.

02:13:33.000 She's got to back up.

02:13:34.000 She's got to be slick with it.

02:13:35.000 Yeah.

02:13:36.000 She's caught him with ladies' clothes on.

02:13:39.000 Do you know there's a cartoon...

02:13:42.000 Of that from like 1930-something.

02:13:49.000 And instead of a wolf, it's a Jew.

02:13:53.000 It's like a really stereotypical image of a Jewish person.

02:14:00.000 And it's a weird cartoon, man, because they changed it later on, and they changed it into a wolf.

02:14:07.000 Make sure this is true.

02:14:09.000 Because with AI today, you never know when you're getting fooled by something.

02:14:14.000 You're changing to a wolf.

02:14:15.000 With AI today, you never know.

02:14:18.000 Because they can make fake cartoons.

02:14:21.000 Yeah.

02:14:22.000 Yeah.

02:14:24.000 This is like the best PBS. Which is the one when the wolf is knocking at the door?

02:14:32.000 That's the Three Pigs.

02:14:34.000 Yeah, maybe it was Three Pigs.

02:14:38.000 Three Pigs is the first one.

02:14:40.000 Knocking at the door dressed like a wolf?

02:14:42.000 Yeah, it was the wolf.

02:14:44.000 A wolf wearing women's clothes, right?

02:14:47.000 Huff and puff and blow your house down.

02:14:51.000 So what it was was like, yes.

02:14:53.000 Look at this.

02:14:55.000 Here, put the headphones on.

02:14:58.000 Can you back it up a little?

02:15:01.000 I want to hear what he's saying.

02:15:02.000 No.

02:15:03.000 Yeah.

02:15:08.000 He's saying he's selling brushes.

02:15:12.000 Wow.

02:15:14.000 Wow.

02:15:27.000 Wow.

02:15:27.000 That's crazy.

02:15:28.000 The wolf was dressed up as a brush man.

02:15:31.000 Imagine being a dude who sells brushes back in those days.

02:15:35.000 It's a hard way to make a living.

02:15:39.000 What's the movie that Seth...

02:15:43.000 What's his name?

02:15:44.000 Seth, the comedian, the actor.

02:15:48.000 Seth Rogen?

02:15:49.000 I guess.

02:15:50.000 Is that him?

02:15:52.000 Seth Meyers.

02:15:52.000 With curly hair?

02:15:53.000 Seth Rogen.

02:15:55.000 Okay, yeah.

02:15:55.000 The guy gets high a lot.

02:15:56.000 Yeah.

02:15:57.000 Yeah.

02:15:58.000 He did a movie.

02:16:00.000 He did a movie where he's a guy and he's an immigrant.

02:16:04.000 He comes from Europe and he works in a pickle factory killing rats.

02:16:10.000 You ever seen that?

02:16:11.000 No, I didn't see that.

02:16:13.000 It's called an American Pickle.

02:16:14.000 He wakes up after a coma.

02:16:16.000 Is it good?

02:16:18.000 I didn't see it.

02:16:19.000 It came out during the pandemic.

02:16:20.000 It was one of those movies that came out.

02:16:21.000 And this is his great-great-grandson or something.

02:16:23.000 He plays himself playing his uncle.

02:16:27.000 Oh, wow.

02:16:27.000 But he's killing rats, and then one day the rats attack him, and he falls into a pickle barrel.

02:16:34.000 The place closes down and all this other stuff.

02:16:36.000 Years go by.

02:16:37.000 Basically, he lived because he was pickled.

02:16:43.000 It's comedy.

02:16:44.000 But he lived it here.

02:16:45.000 And he comes back and then boom, and they go, the only living relative you got is this guy.

02:16:49.000 And he's like, because he knows how poor he was.

02:16:53.000 He goes...

02:16:55.000 You have more than one pair of socks.

02:16:58.000 He says, yeah.

02:17:00.000 Because for him, he just wanted to have more than one pair of socks.

02:17:03.000 He wanted to have salsa water.

02:17:06.000 Bubbly water.

02:17:07.000 Yeah, that's sign of class.

02:17:09.000 Yeah, that was his great, great, great, yeah.

02:17:11.000 And now he's got a fucking salsa machine in the kitchen.

02:17:16.000 Hey coach, you were doing really well for yourself then.

02:17:19.000 Yeah.

02:17:20.000 So you just gotta see it.

02:17:21.000 It's just a sign of the times like a guy who was an alright guy back then is a piece of shit now because the things he said and the views that this great, great, great grandpa.

02:17:32.000 He says, you can't say that now.

02:17:34.000 Right, just watching an old movie.

02:17:36.000 They used to beat women up in old movies all the time.

02:17:38.000 They always smacked, look.

02:17:40.000 Smack!

02:17:41.000 Yeah.

02:17:44.000 They smacked women all the time back then.

02:17:47.000 Just that alone.

02:17:49.000 Yeah.

02:17:53.000 I just saw a movie with Sammy Davis Jr., It's an old movie with Sammy Davis Jr. I think he's making fun of Miles Davis.

02:18:00.000 I don't know.

02:18:01.000 But he's a really good trumpet player, but he's an asshole.

02:18:05.000 And he's playing this new kind of jazz or whatever.

02:18:09.000 And Cicely Tyson is in it.

02:18:12.000 She's his girlfriend.

02:18:14.000 The girl who played Walona on Good Times...

02:18:18.000 The one who sings, ain't we lucky we got him.

02:18:22.000 She's in it, and her and Cicely Tyson get into an argument, whatever, and then Sammy Davis Jr. just comes up and boom!

02:18:31.000 Punches her in the face.

02:18:33.000 Yeah.

02:18:33.000 Yeah, Walona from Good Time.

02:18:35.000 She punched her right in the damn face.

02:18:37.000 Wow.

02:18:38.000 I think it was, and he used all real jazz musicians.

02:18:43.000 Did you ever watch Good Times?

02:18:45.000 Yes.

02:18:45.000 Remember the janitor, Bookman?

02:18:47.000 I never knew he was a famous jazz musician.

02:18:50.000 He was in it too.

02:18:51.000 He was in the movie too.

02:18:53.000 It's called, I don't know the name of it, but Sammy Davis Jr. It's got a lot of, Morgan Freeman is in it, but he doesn't have a speaking part.

02:19:00.000 He's an extra.

02:19:01.000 That's how old this movie is.

02:19:03.000 And so Sammy Davis Jr. is supposed to be making fun of Miles Davis?

02:19:06.000 He's doing a Miles Davis...

02:19:08.000 He's a good trumpet player, because all the jazz guys are in it except Miles Davis.

02:19:19.000 Dizzy Gillespie's in it.

02:19:21.000 All these are real jazz musicians.

02:19:24.000 Could Sammy Davis Jr. really play?

02:19:26.000 No, he couldn't play the trumpet.

02:19:28.000 So is he faking it?

02:19:29.000 Yeah, look, Ozzie Davis, that's Cicely Tyson.

02:19:37.000 Is he definitely faking it?

02:19:39.000 Can I hear that?

02:19:58.000 Boy, it sure looks like he's playing it.

02:20:04.000 Movie magic.

02:20:06.000 I don't think they had movie magic back then.

02:20:09.000 I think he's playing it, man.

02:20:11.000 I mean, he was a musician.

02:20:12.000 Look.

02:20:13.000 Okay, look.

02:20:14.000 That's Wilona from Good Times.

02:20:21.000 And Frank Sinatra Jr. is in it, too.

02:20:34.000 This is why I think that's really him.

02:20:36.000 Because if you ever listen to, like, a real solo, like someone who's really good...

02:20:43.000 This is him really playing.

02:20:45.000 This is drums.

02:20:50.000 Look at him.

02:20:58.000 Yeah, that's 100% him playing that trumpet.

02:21:06.000 There's no way a guy who plays drums this good would ever accept using a fake trumpet sound.

02:21:12.000 That's how much money they're paying him.

02:21:13.000 I think he knows how to do it.

02:21:16.000 I guarantee that guy could probably play everything.

02:21:20.000 You don't think Sammy Javits Jr. could play everything?

02:21:23.000 He was a serious musician.

02:21:26.000 Jamie, I think you're hating.

02:21:27.000 I think you're slightly hating.

02:21:29.000 He can play it?

02:21:31.000 Okay.

02:21:32.000 Yeah, he plays trumpet and drums.

02:21:34.000 But, you know, it's like...

02:21:37.000 You see when a guy's like a real musician.

02:21:41.000 You see the way their hands move.

02:21:42.000 They just move better.

02:21:43.000 Did you see when he was...

02:21:45.000 His name was Rufus Somebody.

02:21:47.000 He was running for president.

02:21:48.000 He was four years old.

02:21:50.000 He was in a movie where he was...

02:21:52.000 It's the Sammy Davis Jr., and he's like four.

02:21:57.000 And he's got a top hat on.

02:22:00.000 It's an old movie.

02:22:01.000 I watch it turn into classic movies sometimes.

02:22:03.000 Who would you say is the best trumpet player?

02:22:07.000 If there's one person.

02:22:10.000 Who would be the elite of jazz trumpet players?

02:22:15.000 Miles Davis, right?

02:22:17.000 So let's listen to...

02:22:18.000 Let's listen to, like...

02:22:20.000 So we just listened to that.

02:22:22.000 And we were trying to debate whether or not Sammy Davis Jr. really played it.

02:22:26.000 Let's see, like, what the top...

02:22:27.000 And he's playing a cornet in that, too.

02:22:30.000 A cornet?

02:22:31.000 That was the...

02:22:32.000 That was the bigger one.

02:22:33.000 That's the Chuck Mangione one he was playing.

02:22:36.000 You know him...

02:22:37.000 I'm ignorant about musical instruments.

02:22:43.000 So, um...

02:22:46.000 I was googling four things at once here because I was trying to find better evidence of him playing that while I was trying to find what you were asking for too.

02:22:54.000 But as I was thinking of why I was saying that is because I was thinking of this scene in Crossroads the whole time where Ralph Macchio is playing guitar against Steve Vai and it looks like he's playing guitar because in some of these scenes he is.

02:23:05.000 But...

02:23:06.000 He's not good enough to play.

02:23:08.000 He's not making that music.

02:23:09.000 He's not good enough to be in a solo battle against him.

02:23:11.000 Right.

02:23:12.000 He just practiced enough.

02:23:13.000 But don't you think the technology was far different in the Sammy Davis Jr. times?

02:23:18.000 I don't know.

02:23:19.000 Maybe.

02:23:20.000 Yeah, I think splicing the sound in there and having it sync up perfectly, that's not an easy task back then.

02:23:28.000 I mean, I guess it probably could be done by a wizard of special effects, or you could just play Sammy Davis Jr. playing the trumpet, which is what it looks like.

02:23:38.000 I just don't know why everything has to be a conspiracy theory, Jamie.

02:23:41.000 Well, I mean more for the movie aspect.

02:23:44.000 I'll go back and find the clip again, but they're cutting so much.

02:23:47.000 The way that would have been recorded, they could have recorded him playing once and then went back and reenacted him so they could have the camera moving all around him to have that all recorded perfectly and for it to sound as good as it did.

02:23:59.000 Has to be edited in some way.

02:24:01.000 Interesting.

02:24:02.000 It is a movie.

02:24:03.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:24:05.000 Yeah.

02:24:05.000 Yeah, that's true.

02:24:07.000 So there has to be some sound engineering too, right?

02:24:10.000 Whatever they could do back then in the black and white days.

02:24:13.000 It's called A Man Called Adam is what this movie was called.

02:24:16.000 But let me, can you just show me like Miles Davis playing the trumpet?

02:24:21.000 Oh, is that what this is?

02:24:22.000 I was googling five things at once.

02:24:24.000 Oh, sorry.

02:24:30.000 That's Miles.

02:24:35.000 It's way different playing though.

02:24:36.000 It's not fast jazz.

02:24:39.000 Miles is sound.

02:24:41.000 And someone has to talk.

02:24:44.000 Let's go back to this.

02:24:46.000 It was a vulnerable sound.

02:25:08.000 Go back to the other one again.

02:25:10.000 Is there anything with Miles Davis playing where it's not people talking?

02:25:20.000 Speaking of Miles, she was his wife.

02:25:23.000 Cicely Tyson was his wife.

02:25:25.000 She was married to Miles.

02:25:28.000 Here we go.

02:25:54.000 That's John Cole's thing.

02:26:19.000 It's something that people really love about jazz, the improvised aspect of it.

02:26:26.000 You know?

02:26:28.000 They could smoke cigarettes and play instruments.

02:26:30.000 I didn't really enjoy it that much until just now.

02:26:36.000 I like that.

02:26:37.000 I was listening to that.

02:26:39.000 I was like, oh, this might be the way to do it.

02:26:41.000 Like, don't do it while you're doing other stuff.

02:26:43.000 Just sit there and listen to it.

02:26:48.000 I like things without lyrics as background music.

02:26:50.000 When I write, I like to play classical music or maybe music in other languages so I don't know what they're saying.

02:26:57.000 So it only gets in so far.

02:27:00.000 I'm not thinking about their words.

02:27:02.000 Lately I've been listening to a lot of this healing, this chanting stuff like the waves.

02:27:10.000 Not water.

02:27:12.000 But you see it on YouTube all the time.

02:27:15.000 And it'll say it heals you or you can sleep for two hours and wake up like you slept for eight hours.

02:27:22.000 It's just like...

02:27:23.000 It's just...

02:27:24.000 Oh, I think I know what you're talking about.

02:27:26.000 Megahertz or something like that.

02:27:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:27:29.000 Binaural beats?

02:27:30.000 That's right.

02:27:31.000 Yeah, binaural beats.

02:27:33.000 I gotta start remembering the names of this shit.

02:27:36.000 I don't know if that helps you where you don't need as much sleep.

02:27:40.000 What is it supposed to do for you?

02:27:41.000 What are the pros?

02:27:43.000 Definitely puts you in a relaxing state.

02:27:44.000 There's a big talk about 432 hertz.

02:27:47.000 It makes me...

02:27:48.000 I'm going to tell you.

02:27:49.000 It feels like...

02:27:50.000 It feels like I'm like a...

02:27:53.000 Like an egg.

02:27:54.000 Like not an egg.

02:27:55.000 Like a chicken egg.

02:27:56.000 But those eggs you have on...

02:27:58.000 Like a piece of furniture.

02:28:00.000 You know?

02:28:00.000 Like something you put on a coffee table.

02:28:02.000 Uh-huh.

02:28:03.000 And it's on a pillow.

02:28:05.000 And when I listen to that music, that's how I feel like I'm on it.

02:28:08.000 I'm just like...

02:28:09.000 Like I just...

02:28:13.000 I just sink into the bed.

02:28:15.000 But it's not the bed I'm sinking into.

02:28:18.000 It's the sound.

02:28:20.000 I sink.

02:28:21.000 I don't know how to...

02:28:22.000 It's like I just kind of sink into the bed.

02:28:31.000 I'm just there, but I'm not laying on the bed.

02:28:35.000 And when I wake up, I feel like, yeah!

02:28:38.000 Let's go.

02:28:40.000 Really?

02:28:40.000 Yeah.

02:28:41.000 It's not music, is it?

02:28:42.000 It's more like just sounds.

02:28:46.000 But it's good.

02:28:47.000 And so how much time do you do it for?

02:28:49.000 I sleep to it.

02:28:50.000 You sleep to it?

02:28:51.000 I sleep to it.

02:28:52.000 Like, if I got to catch a flight at whatever time, at 7, and I know, but I got...

02:28:59.000 And I know I can't afford to sleep too long, but I know if I put that on for two hours, boom, when I do get up, I will get up and I get up and I'm good.

02:29:10.000 I won't be like, oh my god, I gotta go.

02:29:12.000 I'm not like that.

02:29:13.000 I'm like, yeah!

02:29:14.000 Let's go get it, because I slept like that.

02:29:17.000 Porcelain egg.

02:29:18.000 So are you listening to this on headphones when you go to sleep?

02:29:21.000 I just play it on my iPad or something like that.

02:29:24.000 You just put a speaker?

02:29:25.000 Or either I put my earbuds in, but it won't always fall out.

02:29:31.000 Even when they show the picture of the music, it's someone just, he's just floating.

02:29:37.000 He's just floating.

02:29:41.000 And the ones you listen to, like, how long does it go for?

02:29:44.000 They got some of them for ten hours, six hours, three hours.

02:29:47.000 Ten hours?

02:29:48.000 You could just put up there two hours of, sometimes it's under zen sleep music or healing music.

02:29:58.000 It just, yeah, it's good.

02:30:02.000 That's interesting.

02:30:03.000 I haven't experimented with that.

02:30:04.000 I'm going to now.

02:30:05.000 Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm kind of interested in it.

02:30:07.000 I'm going to do that shit and I'm going to get in the cold tub at the same time.

02:30:10.000 Yeah.

02:30:11.000 I'm interested in it now.

02:30:13.000 Can you pull that up?

02:30:15.000 Because when you see it, you'll see what I'm trying to describe to you, how you feel when you're sleeping.

02:30:22.000 It makes sense because music has such an intense effect on people, intense effect on the way you feel.

02:30:28.000 It gives you goosebumps, gets you excited, gets your body moving.

02:30:32.000 And it just makes sense that it's interacting with us in a way other than like the obvious, we hear it.

02:30:38.000 We don't just hear it, like it gives you emotions.

02:30:41.000 It sort of changes the way you feel.

02:30:44.000 Anyone in particular?

02:30:46.000 I'll go up, because it's one where a guy's just like laying there.

02:30:52.000 Like that one.

02:30:52.000 That's it?

02:30:54.000 Okay.

02:30:55.000 Is this here?

02:30:55.000 Let's see here.

02:30:56.000 Put the headphones on.

02:31:01.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:31:03.000 So you sleep to this?

02:31:04.000 Yeah, I do.

02:31:06.000 I want to lay down now.

02:31:07.000 It's good, I tell you.

02:31:08.000 Wow.

02:31:10.000 This goes on for 8 hours?

02:31:11.000 Well, how many hours?

02:31:14.000 11 hours and 16 minutes.

02:31:15.000 11 hours.

02:31:15.000 It's perfect.

02:31:16.000 That's what I need.

02:31:17.000 11 hours of sleep.

02:31:20.000 It's also good if you're a YouTube subscriber or whatever.

02:31:23.000 Yeah.

02:31:23.000 Put it on your phone, shut the thing.

02:31:27.000 It just restarts.

02:31:28.000 It's like a loop, I think.

02:31:29.000 This could be very psychedelic.

02:31:32.000 It's good.

02:31:33.000 You could have some wild-ass dreams steered by this music.

02:31:37.000 I could drink, wake up.

02:31:40.000 It's like, you know how you're like, uh, none of that.

02:31:43.000 If I have eaten, I don't feel full.

02:31:48.000 If I have not eaten, I don't feel hungry.

02:31:52.000 Yeah, it's just kind of...

02:31:54.000 I'm just...

02:31:55.000 I'm just there somewhere, you know what I'm saying?

02:31:59.000 Just locked in.

02:32:00.000 Yeah, but it's not like I'm laying on a table.

02:32:04.000 Right.

02:32:05.000 I'm just...

02:32:06.000 Floating.

02:32:07.000 You're good.

02:32:08.000 Yeah.

02:32:08.000 I'm going to try it.

02:32:10.000 I'm going to try it.

02:32:11.000 I've used noise machines before, but I kind of like just sleeping.

02:32:14.000 I like to hear things.

02:32:15.000 Oh, the dog going to love it too, man.

02:32:17.000 Yeah?

02:32:18.000 The dog loves it.

02:32:20.000 My mom's dog is screaming like that.

02:32:22.000 Quick update.

02:32:23.000 This is the guy who played the trumpet for you.

02:32:25.000 What's that?

02:32:26.000 This is the trumpet player from the movie.

02:32:28.000 Oh, that's the guy from the movie?

02:32:29.000 Yeah.

02:32:30.000 Trumpet playing was done by Nat Adderley.

02:32:33.000 Oh, so it wasn't actually Sammy Davis' Jr. trumpet?

02:32:36.000 Yeah, it was overdubbed.

02:32:37.000 Oh my god.

02:32:38.000 Jamie's right.

02:32:39.000 This motherfucker would call him a conspiracy theorist, but he was right.

02:32:42.000 I mean, I have a degree.

02:32:43.000 How did you know?

02:32:44.000 Because I went to school to make sound for movies and stuff.

02:32:48.000 That's what you do.

02:32:49.000 99% of all sound in a movie is redone.

02:32:53.000 It's not recorded live.

02:32:54.000 I just...

02:32:56.000 Naively thought that Sammy Davis Jr. wouldn't want another man to play trumpet for him.

02:33:00.000 It's almost impossible for them to record that in that setting and it sounded that good.

02:33:04.000 Yeah.

02:33:05.000 Because they were in a space with production, there's 100,000 people, you know, there's people around, no one's shutting up.

02:33:11.000 Think about it at your shows, you know.

02:33:13.000 No one can make a sound or it kind of ruins something.

02:33:15.000 If he's playing a one-time performance, interesting.

02:33:18.000 Glasses, people walking in, people walking out, like, you know, they're in New York, so.

02:33:23.000 Interesting.

02:33:23.000 I heard Tommy talking about this.

02:33:25.000 He said in his first taping, people were walking around in the background and stuff.

02:33:28.000 And the people that, they were like, we can't use this one.

02:33:30.000 He's like, but that's the performance that was good.

02:33:33.000 So you have to.

02:33:35.000 You have to use that one.

02:33:36.000 And they did.

02:33:36.000 Yeah.

02:33:37.000 But he was like, you can't worry about that stuff.

02:33:39.000 Wow.

02:33:42.000 So, here you go.

02:33:44.000 Yeah.

02:33:45.000 People do weird stuff with sets sometimes.

02:33:54.000 Like, when you...

02:33:55.000 I'm not going to talk about this.

02:33:57.000 I was just thinking about...

02:33:58.000 I was just thinking about Aziz Ansari's set.

02:34:00.000 That one that he did with Spike Jonze, where they showed the background.

02:34:05.000 Like, it was just so distracting to me.

02:34:08.000 Like, I didn't understand why they would do that.

02:34:09.000 Like, you could see the people working backstage while he was on stage.

02:34:13.000 It was, like, at an angle.

02:34:15.000 Instead of, like, straight on at him, it was, like, at an angle where you could see, like, the sound guy and everybody.

02:34:20.000 No.

02:34:21.000 No.

02:34:21.000 No, it was...

02:34:22.000 I think it was a Netflix special.

02:34:25.000 Spike Jones directed it.

02:34:29.000 And it was like this weird choice that they had decided to make.

02:34:33.000 Have it shot where it looks more, I guess, more organic.

02:34:38.000 Like you just happen to be there watching.

02:34:40.000 That?

02:34:41.000 No.

02:34:42.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:34:44.000 You can see the backstage area.

02:34:48.000 So like, there would be people walk, see where his right hand is?

02:34:51.000 There'd be people walking back there and shit.

02:34:53.000 It was weird.

02:34:56.000 Like to the door, the exit door and shit.

02:34:59.000 It's very odd.

02:35:01.000 But I guess it's like to give you this feeling that you're in...

02:35:05.000 Taping.

02:35:06.000 Yeah.

02:35:07.000 That you're in the club.

02:35:08.000 It's more informal, I guess.

02:35:11.000 More relaxed.

02:35:12.000 I don't know.

02:35:13.000 But it's like, why is there people walking behind Aziz?

02:35:17.000 Why am I looking at people walking in the background?

02:35:20.000 Why is that in my mind?

02:35:21.000 Yeah, because it seems like it would be distracting.

02:35:24.000 It's distracting, for sure.

02:35:26.000 Have you been to the stand in New York?

02:35:28.000 Yeah.

02:35:29.000 And the room upstairs, they got the window open.

02:35:32.000 Like, what the fuck is that, man?

02:35:35.000 Because I can't talk to y'all with these people.

02:35:40.000 They're doing stuff back there, and they're not paying attention.

02:35:43.000 It's like you're in a fishbowl.

02:35:45.000 Right.

02:35:46.000 Close that curtain.

02:35:47.000 That is so not cool, man.

02:35:49.000 It's weird.

02:35:50.000 Yeah.

02:35:51.000 Yeah, but that's another one of those ones like, you know, a comedian didn't set that up.

02:35:55.000 Yeah.

02:35:55.000 Right?

02:35:56.000 I did the club that me and Louie did in Rotterdam.

02:36:02.000 It's called Club Hog.

02:36:03.000 So if you ever go to Rotterdam, you gotta do that.

02:36:06.000 As a matter of fact, the last time I was there, I did footage, hour footage.

02:36:11.000 But the ceiling is low.

02:36:14.000 It's like, yeah, the ceiling is low.

02:36:16.000 There's no bad seats.

02:36:19.000 And, you know...

02:36:20.000 But, you know, they speak another language.

02:36:22.000 But they understand you because they speak like three languages.

02:36:27.000 Dutch is French, English, and German mixed together.

02:36:29.000 Plus they watch American television.

02:36:31.000 So their English comprehension is super good.

02:36:35.000 Wow.

02:36:36.000 Yeah.

02:36:37.000 So if you ever pop over there, you got to do that.

02:36:40.000 It must be fun doing countries like that.

02:36:43.000 It's pretty impressive that they have that.

02:36:46.000 Good of a grasp of English, like, universally.

02:36:49.000 Like, we're basically, you either speak Spanish in this country, or you speak English.

02:36:54.000 Or you speak English and Spanish, or you speak a gang of different languages.

02:36:57.000 In Holland, they understand us better than they do English people.

02:37:02.000 Because, yeah.

02:37:04.000 I think Spanish is the next language.

02:37:05.000 If I was gonna learn a second language, that seems like the most useful one.

02:37:09.000 You know?

02:37:11.000 And also, it's like it's everywhere.

02:37:13.000 It might be Russian.

02:37:15.000 Russian.

02:37:15.000 I don't want to throw in the towel just yet.

02:37:19.000 Plus, that one you have to learn a whole different alphabet.

02:37:22.000 You have to learn the way they write their letters and everything.

02:37:26.000 It's very strange.

02:37:27.000 It's so cool looking.

02:37:29.000 We all stop popping out like that ant who had that fungus.

02:37:33.000 All the Russians come with a gas mask.

02:37:38.000 You'll smell the trees burning.

02:37:41.000 Do you get worried about this whole Ukraine war thing?

02:37:45.000 It seems a little...

02:37:49.000 Speaking of Amsterdam, we're in Amsterdam.

02:37:51.000 There's a Russian comedian over there.

02:37:53.000 He's doing a spot at the Comedy Cafe over in Amsterdam.

02:37:57.000 We're like, hey, you guys.

02:37:59.000 And he goes, that's just media.

02:38:01.000 There's no war.

02:38:02.000 That's what these Russian people said.

02:38:03.000 There's no war.

02:38:05.000 So the Russians don't believe the war's real?

02:38:07.000 Maybe that was just that group.

02:38:09.000 Because they just said, no, that's ridiculous.

02:38:12.000 Well, here's the thing.

02:38:14.000 Russia does not have an open society.

02:38:18.000 Like, you can't just print anything you want in the news.

02:38:21.000 You can't just, you know, they don't have the kind of freedom to talk about stories that we have in America.

02:38:28.000 They have control of their internet.

02:38:30.000 And they also punish dissidents.

02:38:33.000 They punish people.

02:38:34.000 So if you're over there, you want to believe what they tell you?

02:38:40.000 Who knows what they tell you?

02:38:41.000 What do the people in Russia think is going on with Ukraine?

02:38:44.000 We didn't get that deep into it.

02:38:47.000 Of course, one of the other comedians said something to them about the war.

02:38:51.000 And they go, that's not true.

02:38:52.000 That's just...

02:38:53.000 That's what they put on television.

02:38:55.000 They want you to believe that.

02:38:57.000 But there's no war.

02:38:57.000 Are there the Russian equivalents to people that tell you that Trump won the election?

02:39:01.000 I guess, probably, yeah.

02:39:03.000 Trump won that election.

02:39:04.000 He's my president.

02:39:06.000 Yeah.

02:39:07.000 Isn't that maybe the Russian equivalent of that?

02:39:10.000 But in America, at least you have...

02:39:11.000 In Florida, they wear the shirts with the flag on them.

02:39:13.000 I don't need a mask.

02:39:14.000 I'm free.

02:39:15.000 If you are...

02:39:17.000 Like in Russia, how much access to the actual news do you have?

02:39:21.000 I don't know.

02:39:22.000 How much access to the way the whole world...

02:39:25.000 How dangerous is that for you?

02:39:27.000 Like if you decide to use a firewall, you know, some sort of a VPN... These people were in Amsterdam.

02:39:35.000 This guy, whoever he is, is a big comedian in Russia.

02:39:37.000 And they were doing something there for all Russian audience.

02:39:42.000 And they looked at us like we were...

02:39:44.000 I wasn't doing the questioning.

02:39:46.000 Like you're naive.

02:39:47.000 Like, you guys believe that?

02:39:50.000 Like, that's not even real.

02:39:51.000 That's just media hype or something.

02:39:55.000 Damn.

02:39:56.000 Like, wow.

02:39:59.000 Imagine being that confident.

02:40:01.000 Yeah, they were.

02:40:03.000 Like, why would you be that confident?

02:40:05.000 Yeah, they were.

02:40:06.000 They were that confident to tell us Yeah.

02:40:11.000 Basically, you don't know what you're talking about.

02:40:13.000 Please don't believe that.

02:40:16.000 And it was some comedians from England, and it was us, America, and we all said, no, no, no, there's a war.

02:40:23.000 No, it's not.

02:40:25.000 We're going to do our comedy show in here tonight, and we're going to laugh it up, go do what the fuck you fucking Americans and English people do, and Dutch people do.

02:40:35.000 Yeah.

02:40:35.000 It's like, wow.

02:40:37.000 Wow.

02:40:38.000 If you don't know, you don't know.

02:40:40.000 It's not that he didn't know, right?

02:40:43.000 He doesn't want to talk about it.

02:40:44.000 That's what it sounds like.

02:40:46.000 Yeah.

02:40:46.000 But it wasn't just one person.

02:40:49.000 It's like, you know, like, hey, what do you guys think about that?

02:40:52.000 Oh, come on.

02:40:53.000 Enough with this already.

02:40:56.000 Yeah, maybe he's just tired of talking about it.

02:40:59.000 Maybe.

02:40:59.000 He's been talking about it, I bet, for a year.

02:41:01.000 Yeah.

02:41:02.000 Imagine being a Russian dude.

02:41:03.000 Everywhere you go, they're asking you about Ukraine.

02:41:05.000 You're like, what the fuck do you want me to do?

02:41:07.000 Yeah.

02:41:07.000 What do you want me to do?

02:41:09.000 I'm over here selling watches.

02:41:11.000 Yeah.

02:41:11.000 What do you want me to do?

02:41:15.000 You know?

02:41:17.000 It's just weird that a comedian is running the country.

02:41:23.000 Wild!

02:41:23.000 And you saw him play the piano with his dick?

02:41:26.000 No, no!

02:41:27.000 He didn't say that?

02:41:28.000 No, I didn't say that.

02:41:29.000 Didn't he do it though?

02:41:30.000 He did.

02:41:31.000 That's what was going on across the street.

02:41:34.000 But didn't Zelensky do something like that?

02:41:36.000 No, I don't know.

02:41:36.000 Oh, I don't know about that.

02:41:37.000 No, no, no, no, I think he did.

02:41:38.000 Did he do that?

02:41:40.000 Yeah, I think it was like part of his act.

02:41:42.000 Oh, but I was talking about the guys from Puppetry of the Penis.

02:41:46.000 Right.

02:41:47.000 They had their show.

02:41:48.000 Me and Greer were in this venue and he was in that venue.

02:41:52.000 Okay, I'm confused because I think I watched a video of Zelensky doing this comedy routine where he's like in front of a piano.

02:42:02.000 Yeah.

02:42:03.000 Oh, okay.

02:42:03.000 Playing piano with his penis.

02:42:04.000 Yeah.

02:42:06.000 But they don't see their penises, so who knows what's really going on.

02:42:09.000 But they do take their pants down.

02:42:12.000 Here it goes.

02:42:13.000 Let me hear something.

02:42:22.000 No.

02:42:24.000 They're not really making that noise, right?

02:42:26.000 I don't think you...

02:42:27.000 Now, you were skeptical before.

02:42:31.000 You wouldn't believe that that one was...

02:42:33.000 No, I'm just kidding.

02:42:33.000 You think that one's real?

02:42:35.000 I'm very skeptical.

02:42:38.000 Very skeptical that that was real.

02:42:40.000 Yeah, no shit.

02:42:40.000 You can't even see the piano.

02:42:42.000 Tony Woods, I love you.

02:42:43.000 Thank you for doing my club this weekend.

02:42:45.000 Man, thank you for having me.

02:42:46.000 Very excited to have you.

02:42:47.000 Show the world.

02:42:48.000 Let them know.

02:42:50.000 Tell everybody your social media so they can follow you.

02:42:52.000 What am I? I'm Tony Woods with a Z on Instagram.

02:42:58.000 I got a website too, man.

02:43:01.000 TonyWoods.com?

02:43:02.000 I don't know.

02:43:04.000 The Tony Woods.

02:43:07.000 I think it's...

02:43:08.000 Is that it?

02:43:10.000 TheTonyWoods.com.

02:43:11.000 Yeah, that's my thing.

02:43:12.000 That's me.

02:43:12.000 All right.

02:43:13.000 Thank you, Tony.

02:43:13.000 And I'm supposed to be doing a special the first week of August.

02:43:18.000 Dave's supposed to produce it.

02:43:19.000 It's up in New York.

02:43:21.000 Beautiful.

02:43:22.000 Wait, I don't know if I'm supposed to say that.

02:43:24.000 Too late.

02:43:25.000 Too late.

02:43:26.000 Bye, baby.

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 20, 2023

Joe Rogan Experience #2011 - Tony Woods

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