The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #202 - Dom Irrera

00:00:01.000 So glad you're here, man.

00:00:02.000 Thank you.

00:00:03.000 Right back at you.

00:00:04.000 Oh, please. 0.98

00:00:04.000 I'm fucking pumped. 0.98

00:00:06.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. 0.96

00:00:09.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save yourself 15%.

00:00:16.000 How's that, Don Marrera?

00:00:18.000 That's a good deal.

00:00:19.000 I have a fleshlight on me right now.

00:00:21.000 Do you have one?

00:00:22.000 Yes, I have a fleshlight that leads me to where I keep my fleshlights.

00:00:25.000 To a little case in my house.

00:00:27.000 I'll give you one before you leave.

00:00:29.000 I don't need it.

00:00:30.000 You don't need it?

00:00:31.000 I've got plenty of them.

00:00:33.000 Hey, I make a good living.

00:00:34.000 It's not like it's prohibitively expensive.

00:00:37.000 Thank you.

00:00:38.000 And I'm not shy.

00:00:38.000 You're not a shy guy.

00:00:39.000 If you wanted one, you would just buy it.

00:00:41.000 No, no.

00:00:41.000 Joe was using that earlier.

00:00:43.000 No one used that.

00:00:44.000 We wouldn't do that to you.

00:00:45.000 He's done that to other people.

00:00:46.000 I would not allow him to do that to you.

00:00:47.000 Are you sure?

00:00:48.000 Come on, Dom.

00:00:49.000 You know I love you.

00:00:50.000 I love you like I love air.

00:00:54.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, makers of AlphaBrain, the nootropic supplement.

00:01:00.000 If you're interested in any of this stuff, I suggest you checking out our website, onnit.com.

00:01:07.000 And B, just Google nootropics and read all the pros and cons on it.

00:01:11.000 Don't just go out there and buy something.

00:01:13.000 But if you're interested in our stuff, it's a full-spectrum nootropic.

00:01:16.000 It's all balanced out and explained online in as much technical and scientific detail as we can.

00:01:22.000 We're actually funding studies.

00:01:25.000 On this right now, and we're hoping that it's going to be done at Boston Universities.

00:01:29.000 If it's not, the other option, I think, was University of Australia.

00:01:33.000 One of the universities in Australia.

00:01:34.000 If that doesn't work, Columbus State.

00:01:36.000 We're going to find some...

00:01:37.000 We're going to find some Komodo Island dudes that are selling certificates.

00:01:45.000 We have a 100% money back guarantee.

00:01:47.000 This is the most important thing.

00:01:49.000 Yeah, but who wants to go through that?

00:01:50.000 You don't have to do anything.

00:01:51.000 You don't have to send it back.

00:01:52.000 To get the money back, it's not worth it.

00:01:54.000 Some people, it is.

00:01:55.000 First of all, what does the supplement do for you?

00:01:57.000 The supplement is a cognitive enhancing supplement, Don Marrera.

00:02:01.000 It makes your mind function a little bit better.

00:02:03.000 A little neural cup of coffee, if you will.

00:02:05.000 What were we just talking about?

00:02:06.000 I forgot.

00:02:07.000 Taco Bell has these Dorito tacos now.

00:02:10.000 It's the Shell's Doritos.

00:02:11.000 That's not what we're talking about. 1.00

00:02:12.000 We're talking about vitamins, you dirty bitch. 1.00

00:02:14.000 Vitamins and discounts. 1.00

00:02:15.000 And the fact that you can send it back and you get 100% of your money back.

00:02:18.000 Can you drink with them?

00:02:20.000 Oh yeah.

00:02:21.000 It's a vitamin.

00:02:22.000 That's why I always ask a doctor whenever he gives me something.

00:02:25.000 There's certain nutrients that they've discovered that help Alzheimer's patients.

00:02:29.000 There's nutrients that help people after they've had some head trauma.

00:02:32.000 That was what Romanowski's stuff was based on.

00:02:35.000 I know you're a big football fan.

00:02:36.000 Yeah.

00:02:36.000 Bill Romanowski has his own very similar line of this kind of stuff.

00:02:39.000 He's got something called Neuro One, which I also like.

00:02:42.000 And maybe some people might like even better than Alphabrain because it's a drink.

00:02:46.000 You can just mix it up.

00:02:48.000 Some people don't like swallowing pills. 0.99

00:02:49.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:02:51.000 I take two alpha brains and I'm straight. 1.00

00:02:53.000 I like suppositories. 1.00

00:02:54.000 You like it up your ass? 1.00

00:02:55.000 Just for laughs. 1.00

00:02:56.000 Just for the giggles.

00:02:57.000 Just for a story.

00:02:59.000 I like a sitz bath and a good suppositor.

00:03:01.000 I never did a suppositor.

00:03:02.000 But you know when I met Romanowski in Denver where the Broncos were training in Haley, Colorado?

00:03:07.000 Yeah.

00:03:08.000 And they told me, I wanted to interview them to have this show called Offsides.

00:03:11.000 That was on Comedy Central?

00:03:12.000 Yeah, I remember that.

00:03:13.000 And they said, you don't want to interview me, Bill.

00:03:15.000 And I said, no, I do.

00:03:17.000 So we go to lunch.

00:03:18.000 The whole place is filled.

00:03:19.000 There's a table for eight.

00:03:21.000 It's empty with just him sitting there.

00:03:23.000 That's how crazy he was.

00:03:24.000 Nobody wanted to eat lunch with him.

00:03:25.000 Wow.

00:03:26.000 But I've talked to him subsequently.

00:03:27.000 He sounds cool.

00:03:28.000 Well, you know what, man?

00:03:29.000 The dude had a ton of concussions.

00:03:32.000 Yeah.

00:03:32.000 A ton of concussions.

00:03:33.000 And that was the reason why he created this Neurowana.

00:03:36.000 I watched a whole interview with him about it.

00:03:38.000 Fascinating stuff.

00:03:39.000 You know, the guy realized that he was having problems, and he tried to counteract that with nutrients.

00:03:44.000 And so that's, I was taught this by, or first exposed to his stuff by No Name.

00:03:51.000 Remember Sarah in No Name? 0.94

00:03:53.000 He drank piss.

00:03:54.000 Yeah, he did.

00:03:55.000 I did too.

00:03:56.000 For what?

00:03:57.000 It's just a joke.

00:03:58.000 No, he didn't.

00:03:58.000 Just a great gag.

00:03:59.000 Yeah, he did.

00:04:00.000 Sanford Pisco.

00:04:00.000 Oh, yeah.

00:04:01.000 No, I mean, I did it for a joke.

00:04:02.000 Who's Piss?

00:04:03.000 I drank my own.

00:04:04.000 I wasn't going to drink anybody else's.

00:04:05.000 Well, I thought maybe you're a dominatrix. 1.00

00:04:06.000 No.

00:04:07.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:04:08.000 Dom, you dirty boy. 1.00

00:04:10.000 Oh, I was bad last night. 0.99

00:04:12.000 Anyway, check out...

00:04:13.000 My glasses.

00:04:13.000 Just a free plug for Mr. Romanowski because I enjoy his stuff.

00:04:16.000 Check out Neuro One.

00:04:17.000 If you want to check out our stuff...

00:04:19.000 Go to Onnit.com.

00:04:20.000 We have O-N-N-I-T. Not just Alpha Brain, which is something that I use every day.

00:04:25.000 And again, as I said, it's a 100% money-back guarantee on the first order.

00:04:29.000 You don't have to.

00:04:30.000 It's 30 pills.

00:04:31.000 You can't get a big, giant bottle.

00:04:33.000 And then you'd be like, stealing.

00:04:35.000 The 30 pills.

00:04:36.000 The first 30 pill bottle.

00:04:37.000 We want to make sure that no one feels ripped off.

00:04:39.000 I use this stuff.

00:04:40.000 I've used this stuff way before I was associated with Onnit.

00:04:45.000 I believe nootropics are an effective way to give yourself a little mental edge.

00:04:50.000 And I also believe in regular vitamins.

00:04:52.000 I tell people I drink kale shakes.

00:04:54.000 I try to do it every single day.

00:04:56.000 This big crazy mixture of greens.

00:04:58.000 I take all sorts of vitamins.

00:05:00.000 I take all sorts of antioxidants.

00:05:02.000 I try to drink as much kombucha as I can.

00:05:05.000 I take acidophilus.

00:05:07.000 I take a lot of healthy life cultures.

00:05:09.000 And I absolutely know for a fact, by my own personal experience, that that's enhanced my life.

00:05:14.000 This is the guy that just had a pastrami sandwich. 1.00

00:05:17.000 Yeah, I can put that shit away. 1.00

00:05:18.000 I put that shit away. 1.00

00:05:19.000 You know why? 1.00

00:05:20.000 Because I'm going to do kettlebells in two hours.

00:05:22.000 What's that?

00:05:23.000 I had toothpaste.

00:05:24.000 I have these giant iron cannonballs that I swing around.

00:05:28.000 I gotta show it to you.

00:05:29.000 You'll love it.

00:05:29.000 It's the craziest exercise ever.

00:05:31.000 It's this Russian strength training where you're swinging around these fucking giant cannonballs. 0.99

00:05:38.000 So every movement is a compound movement that requires your whole body to work as one unit. 0.97

00:05:43.000 So it transfers very well athletically, like to jiu-jitsu or to football or even if you're a good basketball player, it would transfer even to that.

00:05:52.000 Kettlebell is one of the best exercises I've ever used, ever.

00:05:56.000 It's a great way to work out.

00:05:59.000 It's brutal.

00:06:00.000 You can get done in 20 minutes. 0.99

00:06:02.000 You can just blow it out in 20 minutes, and then you're fucking wrecked for two days. 0.98

00:06:06.000 It's amazing. 0.99

00:06:07.000 It's so good.

00:06:08.000 It's such a good exercise.

00:06:09.000 I was hoping maybe we'd just shoot a little pool.

00:06:11.000 We could do that too, buddy.

00:06:13.000 We're going to do that for sure.

00:06:14.000 Anyway, back to the commercial.

00:06:17.000 Onnit.com.

00:06:17.000 Go check out Alpha Brain.

00:06:18.000 Check out, there's Shroom Tech Sport, which is a cordyceps mushroom, B12, and a bunch of other stuff in there, supplement for endurance.

00:06:27.000 Cordyceps mushroom, it's actually a nutrient that people started eating at high altitudes to help them deal with the lack of oxygen.

00:06:36.000 And they believe that it helps endurance, especially when combined with B12.

00:06:40.000 People love it.

00:06:41.000 A lot of jiu-jitsu guys love the Shroom Tech Sport.

00:06:43.000 I get that all the time.

00:06:44.000 And Shroom Tech Immune is another one that's also a mushroom-based supplement that actually enhances your immune system.

00:06:51.000 So a fascinating concept, the way it works, being that it tricks your body into thinking it's like a cold.

00:06:56.000 So your body fires up its immune system for a fight that never takes place.

00:07:00.000 I chew cocoa leaves before I go into the Hollywood Hills.

00:07:03.000 It's a good move.

00:07:04.000 Because of the altitude.

00:07:05.000 Could you get those?

00:07:06.000 You know a guy?

00:07:06.000 Yeah, I know some guys.

00:07:07.000 I know some Bolivians. 1.00

00:07:08.000 You can't grow that shit here. 1.00

00:07:11.000 Can you grow it here if you have a greenhouse? 1.00

00:07:13.000 How does that work?

00:07:14.000 You can grow anything if you have a greenhouse. 0.99

00:07:15.000 Why the fuck? 1.00

00:07:16.000 Why don't they have greenhouses full of coke? 1.00

00:07:19.000 I never saw a greenhouse.

00:07:20.000 Why is everybody growing coke in the third world when you just get a nice greenhouse?

00:07:24.000 Yeah.

00:07:24.000 Is it undercover?

00:07:25.000 Am I blowing up their spot right now?

00:07:27.000 Probably.

00:07:27.000 Should I not be talking about this?

00:07:28.000 No.

00:07:29.000 Onnit.com. 1.00

00:07:29.000 O-N-N-I-T. Go check out all the shit. 1.00

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00:07:39.000 And remember always, the first order of 30 pills. 0.94

00:07:42.000 If you don't like it, if you think it's bullshit, if it's not for you, whatever. 0.96

00:07:45.000 Whatever you feel. 0.84

00:07:46.000 You can get 100% of your money back.

00:07:48.000 You don't even have to return the product.

00:07:50.000 We're way more concerned with people not feeling ripped off than we are with making money.

00:07:54.000 Alright?

00:07:55.000 I have a question.

00:07:55.000 Trying to keep it on the level.

00:07:56.000 I have a question.

00:07:57.000 Is there a show with this commercial?

00:07:58.000 This is over. 1.00

00:07:59.000 The commercial is over and then we go on for like two hours just talking shit. 0.99

00:08:03.000 You ready? 0.99

00:08:04.000 Why do we have lunch together?

00:08:05.000 We talked about everything.

00:08:07.000 Let's relive our lunch.

00:08:10.000 What are you doing, Brian?

00:08:11.000 Nothing.

00:08:12.000 What happened?

00:08:13.000 Did you slip?

00:08:15.000 Sorry.

00:08:17.000 Are you a DJ now?

00:08:18.000 I am a now.

00:08:19.000 Have you been hanging out with Russell Peters?

00:08:20.000 I have been.

00:08:22.000 Alright, give me some Dr. Scratch. 0.90

00:08:23.000 Give me something We gotta have Nick DS To Joe Rogan experience Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night All day Train by day Joe Rogan podcast Stop stop stop Is that Joe Diaz?

00:08:39.000 Yeah, I don't think you should do that anymore.

00:08:42.000 I don't think that's entertaining.

00:08:43.000 I don't like that, okay?

00:08:45.000 I don't like that.

00:08:46.000 I want to hear Nick Diaz's voice.

00:08:48.000 Nick Diaz, a fighter, a UFC guy.

00:08:51.000 Really?

00:08:51.000 It was the coolest thing ever.

00:08:52.000 He won a fight, and then after the fight he goes, Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night.

00:08:56.000 Oh, that's cool.

00:08:57.000 Oh, this is the greatest moment of my life.

00:08:59.000 The Joe Rogan experience.

00:09:01.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night.

00:09:03.000 All day. 0.99

00:09:08.000 So, this guy likes fucking around with the speeds of things. 0.98

00:09:11.000 He's got some technological ADD going on. 0.99

00:09:15.000 Me too.

00:09:16.000 Dom Herrera, welcome to the show, my friends.

00:09:18.000 Show's a program.

00:09:19.000 Thank you, lad.

00:09:19.000 So happy to have you here.

00:09:21.000 Dom Herrera, just to all you folks out there in the cyber world, is a guy that I actually paid to see.

00:09:30.000 Before I got into comedy, I was a huge fan, and I just loved stand-up comedy.

00:09:37.000 I loved watching Evening at the Improv, and I took a date to Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston to watch Dom Aurea.

00:09:45.000 I think maybe I had done an open mic, like maybe once, maybe.

00:09:49.000 I might not have even.

00:09:50.000 It might have even been before, but I remember I watched it up there, and one of the things... 1.00

00:09:56.000 First of all, you were fucking killed. 0.99

00:09:59.000 And you were one of the few guys that could survive that crazy Boston gauntlet that they used to throw at all the national headlines. 1.00

00:10:05.000 They liked me.

00:10:06.000 They loved you.

00:10:07.000 Everybody loved you.

00:10:08.000 But it was a tricky situation, that Boston gauntlet they used to put people through.

00:10:13.000 They would take a guy like... 0.86

00:10:14.000 Follow this.

00:10:15.000 Yeah, Billy Crystal would come into town, right?

00:10:17.000 And they would make Billy Crystal...

00:10:18.000 They would purposely put up the best local guys.

00:10:22.000 Steve Sweeney, Don Gavin, Kevin Knox, Kenny Rogerson.

00:10:27.000 Dennis Leary. 0.99

00:10:28.000 Everybody would go up with 15 minutes of fucking fury, too. 0.99

00:10:31.000 Everybody did short sets. 0.99

00:10:33.000 They were supposed to do 50 at the end.

00:10:34.000 Yeah, and then, you know, at the end, first of all, they've made everyone laugh with every local reference humanly possible.

00:10:41.000 And if there's anything people love in Boston, it's a Boston joke.

00:10:44.000 It's a problem. 0.85

00:10:45.000 I had, like, my first 20 minutes all revolved around Boston, because when you're fucking sinking out there and you're looking for something, you know that you can make fun of a girl from Revere, because she has big hair. 0.97

00:10:55.000 That's right there. 0.90

00:10:55.000 That's in my... 0.90

00:10:56.000 It's in my wheelhouse.

00:10:57.000 I could pull that out.

00:10:58.000 You could always go with local references.

00:11:00.000 Charleston, the Irish girls and all that. 0.99

00:11:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:11:03.000 There's always something like, well, and then you're in Mattapan after dark.

00:11:07.000 Woohoo! 1.00

00:11:08.000 Speak Spanish.

00:11:10.000 You could do local jokes.

00:11:12.000 You survived.

00:11:14.000 You survived.

00:11:14.000 You're one of the few guys.

00:11:15.000 I saw a lot of guys eat a fat bag of dicks. 0.99

00:11:18.000 I heard Richard Lewis hit on the stage afterwards. 0.99

00:11:21.000 Oh, I heard he...

00:11:22.000 Well, I've heard that a few times with that guy.

00:11:25.000 He's apparently, if he doesn't get his crowd, he has a very specific crowd that comes up to see him.

00:11:32.000 Sometimes people maybe don't know what he's going to do before he does it.

00:11:36.000 If they do, they love it.

00:11:37.000 They love that character.

00:11:38.000 But if they don't, I think, from what I've heard, it can go bad.

00:11:42.000 I can imagine.

00:11:43.000 Remember Nick's?

00:11:44.000 Nick's was the place where you saw me.

00:11:46.000 Yes.

00:11:47.000 And that was really a tough club, especially the third show on Friday night.

00:11:50.000 So I asked Jonathan Katz to do the show with me.

00:11:53.000 You know how Jonathan is very nebbishy and kind of a little Jewish comedian. 1.00

00:11:57.000 He was the host of my first open mic.

00:11:59.000 Was he?

00:11:59.000 Yeah.

00:12:00.000 He was nice to you, right?

00:12:00.000 Greg.

00:12:01.000 Yeah.

00:12:01.000 And I said, John, do the show with me.

00:12:03.000 He goes, I can't.

00:12:04.000 I can't go in there.

00:12:05.000 I said, come on.

00:12:05.000 I'll protect you.

00:12:06.000 I'll watch your back.

00:12:07.000 So he goes up.

00:12:08.000 They actually started heckling the back of his bald head before he got to the stage. 0.99

00:12:12.000 They're fucking booing him for nothing. 0.98

00:12:15.000 He didn't even say anything. 0.99

00:12:15.000 And he goes up and he goes, precisely. 0.99

00:12:18.000 And just walks off the stage.

00:12:22.000 But they booed him before he talked.

00:12:25.000 I love that.

00:12:26.000 Boston was an interesting mix of college-educated people and savages. 1.00

00:12:31.000 I think it has the highest amount of colleges per capita in the country.

00:12:37.000 And I couldn't get in any of them.

00:12:40.000 I used to see street fights there when you didn't see them anymore.

00:12:44.000 You see guys, they didn't go home from work.

00:12:46.000 They had a tie, a white shirt hanging out, battling each other.

00:12:50.000 There's still fights in Boston.

00:12:52.000 Boston dudes will still fight. 0.99

00:12:53.000 It's one of the few places where you're probably not going to get shot.

00:12:57.000 No.

00:12:58.000 Dudes would actually want to duke it out with you. 0.96

00:13:00.000 Might get stomped, but no shot. 0.98

00:13:02.000 Well, you could get shot, though. 0.96

00:13:03.000 Everyone has baseball bats, but no one plays baseball.

00:13:05.000 You run into the wrong kids from Southie, you could get shot.

00:13:08.000 Anybody could get shot there, too.

00:13:09.000 But you do definitely see more fistfights there.

00:13:12.000 Yeah, I always think of you as a New York act.

00:13:15.000 Well, I was born in Jersey, but I mean, I got better in New York.

00:13:20.000 I developed in Boston, but I was only there for four years doing stand-up.

00:13:25.000 You know, I moved to New York only four years into my act.

00:13:30.000 And I got a manager, so my manager, who's still my manager to this day, was selling me as a headliner.

00:13:37.000 But I wasn't really a headliner yet.

00:13:38.000 You didn't have the minutes.

00:13:39.000 You probably had the talent.

00:13:40.000 I had a good solid 15 that I would drag out to 40 if the crowd was right.

00:13:46.000 I remember the first time this guy Hiram Kasten got me a gig for $75 and I had to do 45 minutes.

00:13:54.000 I said, I only have 25. He goes, like Jesus with the fishes, he goes, go out there, do it, it will come.

00:14:01.000 It will come unto thee.

00:14:03.000 I don't know if it came or I just did already crowd work because I didn't have the time. 0.58

00:14:08.000 Yeah, those were silly days.

00:14:10.000 I couldn't believe people could do 20 minutes. 0.98

00:14:12.000 When I had five minutes, I go, how the fuck did I remember 20 minutes in a row?

00:14:17.000 What's the longest flat-out set of just stand-up you've ever done?

00:14:21.000 I'm not real good at real long sets.

00:14:23.000 Probably an hour and a half.

00:14:25.000 That's about all you should do, right?

00:14:27.000 I love a 45 minute set.

00:14:29.000 A crusher, right?

00:14:31.000 Just get off them wanting more instead of...

00:14:34.000 Yeah, I've done too long.

00:14:37.000 I used to do these Q&As at the end of my shows.

00:14:39.000 Yeah, but that's different.

00:14:41.000 It goes into something else.

00:14:42.000 Nah, it was getting too long.

00:14:43.000 People were falling asleep.

00:14:46.000 They were bored.

00:14:47.000 Girlfriends are like... 1.00

00:14:49.000 You know, you can only talk...

00:14:50.000 No, but I don't care who...

00:14:51.000 Maybe it was Charlie Murphy that said this.

00:14:53.000 It might have been.

00:14:54.000 Oh, no.

00:14:55.000 It was Joey Diaz.

00:14:55.000 I've never heard Charlie Murphy quote him before.

00:14:57.000 Oh, he said...

00:14:58.000 I quote him all the time.

00:15:00.000 Get to know Charlie Murphy.

00:15:01.000 He's a deep dude.

00:15:02.000 Does he really?

00:15:03.000 I don't know.

00:15:03.000 He's a deep dude.

00:15:05.000 He says some pretty interesting shit. 1.00

00:15:07.000 He's a great fucking storyteller, too. 1.00

00:15:09.000 He's a good guy all around. 0.99

00:15:11.000 Yeah.

00:15:11.000 Charlie, you would like Charlie Murphy, Dom.

00:15:13.000 You would like...

00:15:13.000 I'm sure I would.

00:15:14.000 Yeah.

00:15:15.000 It's always weird for those guys whose brother is like Tony Rock.

00:15:18.000 Yeah.

00:15:19.000 Chris Rock's brother. 0.98

00:15:19.000 Tony Rock is fucking good. 0.98

00:15:21.000 He's great. 0.99

00:15:21.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:15:22.000 He's fucking funny, man. 0.91

00:15:23.000 I hadn't seen him in years and I saw him at the improv and I had to go up to him afterwards. 0.96

00:15:29.000 I was like, dude, I haven't seen you in like a long time. 0.96

00:15:31.000 I go, God damn, you got good, man. 0.96

00:15:33.000 Yeah, he's got that glint in his eye that makes you laugh. 0.99

00:15:36.000 Yeah.

00:15:36.000 There's just something goofy and funny and smart about him.

00:15:39.000 Really friendly on stage, too, like fun on stage.

00:15:42.000 Like you want to hang out with him.

00:15:43.000 Like you want to have fun with him.

00:15:45.000 You know, when you get to see a guy who's enjoying himself up there, it really makes you, you know, see when a guy's not anymore.

00:15:50.000 It's one of the saddest things about our business when you see a guy who's just, he doesn't even realize what he's got.

00:15:56.000 He's done the greatest job of all time.

00:15:59.000 I know.

00:16:00.000 The other night, I was late for work, and I worked 15 minutes, and it was at 10 o'clock at night.

00:16:06.000 I was taking a nap. 0.98

00:16:08.000 I was fucking late for work. 0.98

00:16:09.000 How sad is that? 0.99

00:16:10.000 And you know what? 0.99

00:16:12.000 I'm such a half a fag that I was in the bathtub. 0.99

00:16:16.000 I'm so lazy. 1.00

00:16:17.000 I was shaving.

00:16:18.000 I took a bath so I didn't have to stand and shave.

00:16:20.000 Oh, my God.

00:16:22.000 They were calling me on the cell phone thinking I wasn't showing.

00:16:28.000 And you're right around the corner too.

00:16:30.000 Yeah, I'm a half a mile away.

00:16:32.000 And you're still late!

00:16:34.000 That's a real comic.

00:16:36.000 There's something about comedians.

00:16:37.000 It's stripper time. 0.99

00:16:38.000 But I love it.

00:16:40.000 You know how people try and make it miserable?

00:16:42.000 Boy, that's got to be tough, huh?

00:16:43.000 Well, it ain't tough compared to working in a coma.

00:16:46.000 It must suck going on the road.

00:16:49.000 I'd hate to be on the road all the time.

00:16:50.000 Well, nobody's asking you.

00:16:52.000 Nobody's asking you, I hate to fly to Australia.

00:16:54.000 Nobody wants you in Australia.

00:16:56.000 What are you going to do when you get there?

00:16:58.000 You know what I mean?

00:16:59.000 You're non-act.

00:17:01.000 You ever get people to try and make your life miserable because they're trying to maybe make themselves feel better about themselves?

00:17:07.000 Yeah.

00:17:08.000 There's definitely people that will try to justify why they're happier than you and find the holes in your game.

00:17:14.000 But as a professional comedian...

00:17:16.000 As long as you stay funny, and the only way to stay funny is just keep doing what you're doing.

00:17:21.000 Don't ever become a crazy person. 1.00

00:17:23.000 Keep reading shit. 1.00

00:17:24.000 Keep writing shit. 1.00

00:17:25.000 Keep watching things. 1.00

00:17:26.000 Keep coming up with new jokes.

00:17:27.000 You're always going to keep doing it.

00:17:29.000 Yeah, but I see guys my age that are so bitter.

00:17:32.000 I'm thinking, why are you bitter? 0.99

00:17:33.000 You fucking got away with life being a comedian. 1.00

00:17:36.000 I know. 1.00

00:17:36.000 It's like, I love it. 1.00

00:17:37.000 I want to get better.

00:17:39.000 Well, you're a real comic, though, Dom.

00:17:41.000 You've always been a real comic.

00:17:44.000 As long as I've known you...

00:17:46.000 You know, like I said, I paid to see you before I ever even did it, really.

00:17:51.000 You've always been just, like, that's what you are.

00:17:56.000 You're not like a guy who's trying to get a series, and if you got that series in, you'd abandon stand-up or a guy who wanted to be a movie.

00:18:02.000 You're always just Dom Irera, professional comedian from television.

00:18:06.000 You know, you would even introduce yourself like that.

00:18:08.000 Dom Irera from television, they can do it.

00:18:09.000 Well, you know, I was on Suzanne Somers' show when I came out here, and I really liked her.

00:18:14.000 The show was really bad.

00:18:15.000 It was called She's the Sheriff.

00:18:17.000 She's the Sheriff.

00:18:18.000 Oh, no.

00:18:18.000 Yeah.

00:18:19.000 Ooh, beautiful blonde with big tits, and she's a sheriff. 1.00

00:18:22.000 How'd she get that gig? 0.99

00:18:23.000 And at the end of the night, they'd always want to go out.

00:18:26.000 I'd go, I've got to go to the comedy store.

00:18:27.000 And they'd go, well, why?

00:18:28.000 You already have a job.

00:18:29.000 I'd go, no, that's my job.

00:18:32.000 This is my side job.

00:18:34.000 You know what I mean?

00:18:35.000 Being in a sitcom was my side job.

00:18:37.000 My real job was being a stand-up.

00:18:39.000 And that's the way I take it.

00:18:40.000 Any times I got series or anything else, I love acting.

00:18:43.000 I love working with people, but stand-up's my favorite.

00:18:46.000 It's the most fun thing ever.

00:18:47.000 We used to talk about it when I was doing news radio.

00:18:51.000 I'd come back to the store, and you'd be like, Yeah, there's nothing.

00:18:55.000 It doesn't matter what you're doing. 0.99

00:18:56.000 You still want to go up there and kill. 0.99

00:18:58.000 I remember we talked about it. 0.87

00:19:00.000 I remember because you were getting these series, always practice stand-up.

00:19:04.000 Daniel Tosh that because he's on top with the Comedy Central thing, but he practices stand-up still.

00:19:09.000 What happens when we get fired from a series?

00:19:11.000 We still got our job.

00:19:13.000 How cool is that?

00:19:14.000 Yeah, the last thing you want to do...

00:19:15.000 I don't like being dependent on anything.

00:19:17.000 That's why I like doing...

00:19:18.000 Oh, it's so nice not having a boss, yeah.

00:19:19.000 Yeah.

00:19:20.000 Well, the best boss I've ever had for sure is the UFC. Because there couldn't be better people to work for.

00:19:26.000 I mean, I've never had a single...

00:19:28.000 Joe, I've never seen you so happy.

00:19:30.000 I love it!

00:19:31.000 You're so good at that. 0.98

00:19:32.000 You're so fucking sharp. 0.98

00:19:34.000 And like I was telling you, you break it down. 0.98

00:19:37.000 You make me understand the fighting more.

00:19:39.000 Well, I try to explain it as if your smart friend is over that hasn't seen fighting before.

00:19:44.000 Exactly.

00:19:44.000 And I want to make it exciting for him.

00:19:46.000 And I'm talking you through how I'm looking at it.

00:19:48.000 I'm looking at his path.

00:19:49.000 I'm like, this guy's got this path.

00:19:51.000 He's got to secure that arm.

00:19:52.000 He's got to get his hand connected.

00:19:54.000 And when you bring people in like that, what you're in is my mind.

00:19:58.000 I mean, that's what's going on in my head when I'm watching the fight.

00:20:01.000 I'm like, watch the mount, knee to the stomach, knee to the stomach.

00:20:03.000 Oh, he's got full mount!

00:20:04.000 Oh! 0.60

00:20:04.000 I see it coming. 0.60

00:20:05.000 I see these paths.

00:20:07.000 And I want to just guide people through the path.

00:20:09.000 It's the most non-job job I've ever had.

00:20:12.000 Oh, I can see it.

00:20:13.000 You look like you're just floating through it. 0.98

00:20:15.000 I fucking love it. 0.99

00:20:16.000 The thing I realized about myself was that I love violence. 0.99

00:20:20.000 But it has to be real.

00:20:21.000 I don't like violent movies.

00:20:23.000 To see Joey Pesci, a 60-year-old guy, beating up some 20-year-old kid. 0.99

00:20:28.000 Yeah, what the fuck? 1.00

00:20:29.000 Fucking bullshit. 1.00

00:20:30.000 When I was there that night, when you invited me to the pond, and I see these guys really getting fucking whacked, and you know when it really hits the reality is when you're sitting, like I told you, I was sitting behind the guy's mother and girlfriend when he got knocked out. 1.00

00:20:42.000 And the mother's like, Jimmy! 0.99

00:20:45.000 You know, like, real.

00:20:47.000 I love the pounding they take.

00:20:50.000 Yeah, it's...

00:20:50.000 How about that kid?

00:20:51.000 Remember the kid, the Tasmanian Devil, that just ran up the thing and did, like, flips over?

00:20:56.000 Do you remember him talking about it?

00:20:57.000 It was kind of...

00:20:57.000 Maybe he was, like, maybe mulatto or maybe from an island or something.

00:21:01.000 He was kind of a light-skinned black kid.

00:21:03.000 And he was phenomenal.

00:21:05.000 Oh, I know.

00:21:05.000 He was leaping in the air, like, eight feet and...

00:21:09.000 You know what I'm talking about, Joe?

00:21:10.000 I do.

00:21:11.000 I can't believe I don't have his name on the top of my head.

00:21:13.000 Hold on.

00:21:13.000 It was like they sped the camera up when we were watching him.

00:21:19.000 He was the one that knocked the guy out. 0.96

00:21:21.000 Yeah, I have to find out what his name is right now because he's fucking brilliant and he's an up-and-coming kid. 0.87

00:21:30.000 So just give me a second. 0.89

00:21:31.000 While we're waiting, let's talk more about supplements.

00:21:33.000 Hey, Dom, what was it like meeting Johnny Carson?

00:21:36.000 Do you have any stories of anything cool that happened?

00:21:40.000 Well, the thing about it is, that was like in 1986. So that's when The Tonight Show was still really big.

00:21:46.000 And it was not fun.

00:21:47.000 It was an experience.

00:21:49.000 It was like an imprimatur of comedy.

00:21:51.000 His name's John.

00:21:53.000 John.

00:21:54.000 Shit! 1.00

00:21:55.000 Sorry, keep calling. 1.00

00:21:56.000 Johnny Shit. 0.99

00:21:57.000 But Carson, I looked in the hills in Burbank and I wanted to run away. 1.00

00:22:03.000 I wanted to run away and start a new life like in the hills because I was so fucking afraid of going on that stage.

00:22:10.000 Because Jim McCauley, the guy who booked it, comes and talks to you and then they pull it back and there it is.

00:22:14.000 John Dodson, sorry.

00:22:16.000 What's his name?

00:22:16.000 John Dodson.

00:22:18.000 That was the kid?

00:22:19.000 Yeah, he's amazing. 1.00

00:22:19.000 He's a fucking super athlete. 1.00

00:22:21.000 What an athlete. 1.00

00:22:21.000 He moves like a cartoon. 1.00

00:22:23.000 Yeah.

00:22:24.000 Flies through the air.

00:22:25.000 Yeah, he's a super talented kid.

00:22:26.000 When he was doing that flip, he was running up the walls.

00:22:28.000 Yeah, he's incredible.

00:22:30.000 Yeah, he's incredible. 1.00

00:22:32.000 He does cartoonish shit. 1.00

00:22:34.000 He's so gifted. 1.00

00:22:37.000 He's just got almost an acrobatic ability.

00:22:40.000 Go back to another story, whatever you're saying.

00:22:42.000 You were terrified.

00:22:43.000 So you're terrified to go on this stage.

00:22:45.000 Oh, no, he's asking about the Tonight Show.

00:22:47.000 The curtain goes back and it's unreal that you hear Johnny Carson laughing and Ed McMahon.

00:22:52.000 And see, I had done a joke about Ed McMahon.

00:22:55.000 And when I saw him backstage, he pulled me towards him. 0.97

00:22:59.000 I think, oh, fucking Ed's going to slide me right before I go on. 0.98

00:23:03.000 And actually, I didn't know that he loved the joke. 0.98

00:23:06.000 But you remember the joke?

00:23:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:23:08.000 It was like, um...

00:23:09.000 You called him outposts?

00:23:10.000 What do I call...

00:23:11.000 I said, I met Ed McMahon.

00:23:12.000 You know, he's been in show business for 35 years.

00:23:15.000 What do I go up to him and say?

00:23:16.000 Hi, Ed. 0.79

00:23:17.000 Do I call him Mr. Ed, Mr. E, Mr. Eddie McMahon, Mr. E, big, fat, lucky, talentless hump? 1.00

00:23:22.000 Kissing Johnny's ass for the last 30 years. 1.00

00:23:24.000 You Budweiser sucking, apple slinging, nothing. 1.00

00:23:27.000 What do you do?

00:23:28.000 I don't mean that in a bad way.

00:23:29.000 That was a joke, right?

00:23:31.000 You know, not a nice joke, but hopefully, you know, he took it in the spirit that he was a big success and I was a new comic, and that's the way he took it, you know.

00:23:38.000 That's awesome.

00:23:39.000 I watched Johnny Carson every single day.

00:23:41.000 I never missed it, and I was a kid, and that was, there was no VCRs when I was a kid, but I would sit there and watch it every day.

00:23:47.000 I think I remembered you, uh, From that, when I first moved to LA, I met you at the Comedy Store, and I was like, from Johnny Carson!

00:23:56.000 I for sure saw you on Carson.

00:23:59.000 I saw a bunch of guys on Carson that wound up being great comedians.

00:24:02.000 I saw Jenny on Carson for the first time.

00:24:05.000 He was a great comedian.

00:24:07.000 Did Ed smell like Jack Daniels?

00:24:08.000 Isn't he one of the most underrated guys, don't you think?

00:24:11.000 If you go back...

00:24:12.000 Probably the people wouldn't know, but they'd know.

00:24:14.000 They'd go, yeah, that guy.

00:24:16.000 But yeah, as far as like...

00:24:17.000 Do you remember how good, how strong his act was in like the late 80s?

00:24:21.000 The late 80s, like 80s, like in the early 90s.

00:24:25.000 He would go, he went to Eastside Comedy Club and they said he did three different shows in a row.

00:24:31.000 Three complete different hours.

00:24:33.000 Completely different from beginning to end.

00:24:36.000 He was mad at me for like 10, 15 years because when he started out, he only had 25 minutes like a lot of us.

00:24:42.000 And I had the cover for him and me and this guy Mitch Walters.

00:24:45.000 We were in Florida at this place called The Comic Strip.

00:24:48.000 And he would squirrel his money in the daytime.

00:24:53.000 We would buy all the food for the place.

00:24:55.000 Then he'd buy drinks for chicks at night.

00:24:58.000 And so we started calling him Squirrel.

00:25:00.000 And, you know, it was just like normal ball busting, like very mild hazing, but he took it real seriously and he was hurt.

00:25:06.000 And he was mad for years.

00:25:08.000 I go, but Rich, we're just kidding.

00:25:10.000 But, you know, he was the kind of, I mean, I didn't know that he was so psychotic that he was in that kind of pain that he would shoot himself.

00:25:17.000 But, you know, I did see symptoms of incredible insecurity and incredible holding on to things, you know?

00:25:24.000 Right.

00:25:26.000 Isn't it?

00:25:27.000 That's so common with, like, really good comics, isn't it? 0.98

00:25:29.000 There's so many good comics that are just so fucking nutty, you know? 0.97

00:25:33.000 All of us are. 0.98

00:25:34.000 I mean, I... I straddle reality a lot.

00:25:38.000 I do.

00:25:39.000 I mean, if it wasn't for alcohol and Xanax, I mean, I wouldn't go out of the house half the time.

00:25:45.000 Really?

00:25:46.000 Yeah.

00:25:47.000 Yeah, definitely.

00:25:48.000 Or agoraphobic feelings.

00:25:50.000 I don't want to turn it into the Oprah thing, but...

00:25:52.000 When did that start happening?

00:25:54.000 Since I was a kid, since I was abandoned in Yellowstone National Park.

00:26:00.000 I was abandoned in the Grand Canyon, so I have a fear of widths.

00:26:04.000 I don't know.

00:26:05.000 Wow.

00:26:06.000 I don't want to get too heavy, but yeah, I've always had...

00:26:08.000 You don't have any neurotic things?

00:26:09.000 You weren't really abandoned.

00:26:11.000 No, no.

00:26:12.000 That's just a joke.

00:26:13.000 It's not even a joke, because a joke would be funny.

00:26:15.000 That was kind of funny.

00:26:16.000 So it's just the same.

00:26:16.000 It was just shocking if it was true.

00:26:18.000 If you were on stage, I would start laughing, because I would go, clearly this isn't true.

00:26:23.000 I thought you were underneath a tree, and I was thinking about little squirrels coming up and kissing you and stuff.

00:26:28.000 Yeah, yeah, try to wake me up.

00:26:29.000 I read this story recently about this guy who got killed by a bear real recently, and they had a track down the bear that did it.

00:26:37.000 It's happened twice in the last year in Yellowstone, and it hadn't happened before since the 1980s.

00:26:45.000 It's pretty uncommon.

00:26:46.000 But this one, unfortunately, wasn't just a kill.

00:26:49.000 They had eaten part of this dude. 0.99

00:26:51.000 So then you've got to kill that bear. 0.98

00:26:53.000 That's a bear that's discovered that human beings are a food source. 0.99

00:26:56.000 And delicious, by the way.

00:26:58.000 Yeah, and easy.

00:26:58.000 I remember eating Sophie out once.

00:27:01.000 Wah, wah, wah.

00:27:02.000 Come on.

00:27:03.000 Is this thing on?

00:27:05.000 Hello.

00:27:06.000 Where did I lose you, podcast fans?

00:27:07.000 I licked Burt Kreischer's nuts once, so it's the same thing. 0.99

00:27:10.000 That don't make you gay, does it? 0.98

00:27:11.000 No. 1.00

00:27:12.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:27:13.000 I'm just kidding. 1.00

00:27:14.000 A bear.

00:27:15.000 He's a bear.

00:27:16.000 Never mind. 0.56

00:27:16.000 So they had to track this bear down and kill it. 0.56

00:27:21.000 They're all tagged anyway, aren't they?

00:27:22.000 I don't think so.

00:27:24.000 I think a lot of them are, but I don't think they've got them all.

00:27:28.000 I don't know how they deal with that.

00:27:29.000 It's kind of a weird thing. 0.99

00:27:31.000 There's this one wild area that people venture into, but there's these huge dog things that will occasionally fucking eat you. 0.97

00:27:39.000 Especially if they catch you with their cubs. 0.99

00:27:41.000 When they're with their cubs, they get crazy.

00:27:44.000 What were you telling me before about the guy that beat up and killed all those wolves?

00:27:47.000 It's a crazy story.

00:27:48.000 Talk about one significant night in your life.

00:27:50.000 Yeah.

00:27:51.000 You know, somebody says, I got a story.

00:27:53.000 You got a story.

00:27:53.000 I'll tell you this.

00:27:55.000 Yeah, I wanted to say the exact right number, but I think it was something on like 11 dead wolves.

00:28:02.000 And he had shot a bunch of them, and then he had apparently... 0.97

00:28:07.000 Run out of bullets, or his gun jammed, and then he beat a bunch of them to death with his butt.

00:28:13.000 So they found him and like 11 dead wolves, and then eventually the wolves got him. 0.98

00:28:18.000 The rest of the pack killed them.

00:28:19.000 Oh, they did get him?

00:28:20.000 Oh yeah, he's dead.

00:28:22.000 I believe I said Alaska, but I might have been wrong.

00:28:25.000 It might have been Canada.

00:28:27.000 How many wolves were in that pack?

00:28:29.000 I don't know, man.

00:28:29.000 They could be like a hundred.

00:28:30.000 I didn't know that.

00:28:31.000 I thought they were like five or six.

00:28:33.000 Sometimes they're like 30 and 50, but they've been super packs sighted recently in Russia that they're really getting scared of, that they're in the hundreds.

00:28:43.000 And what's nutty about that is they're all starving to death. 0.99

00:28:46.000 There's no fucking food out there. 0.99

00:28:47.000 So they're sneaking into these industrial areas or farming areas and just fucking up their cattle. 0.99

00:28:54.000 Just going in there.

00:28:55.000 I mean, you're talking about a hundred wolves just coming in in a mass swoop.

00:29:00.000 Could you imagine if you're living? 1.00

00:29:02.000 You're some poor fuck that's a sheep farmer in Siberia or wherever the fuck you are. 1.00

00:29:08.000 And you're just taking care of these sheep and it's freezing cold out and you hear them... 1.00

00:29:14.000 You hear that stupid shit every day, and then one day you look out the window, and there's 400 fucking wolves! 1.00

00:29:22.000 400 of them! 1.00

00:29:23.000 Could you imagine? 1.00

00:29:25.000 400 fucking wolves! 1.00

00:29:27.000 That feeling of being trapped in your house with 400 wolves out there, and they just start jacking shit! 1.00

00:29:33.000 They just start jacking shit! 1.00

00:29:35.000 Just tear them apart right in front of you. 1.00

00:29:37.000 Showing their teeth. 0.99

00:29:37.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

00:29:38.000 Well, Joe, I told you.

00:29:39.000 I made a confession to Joe this week that I didn't really...

00:29:42.000 You know, I finally told him why I didn't come over to his house because I was afraid of his pit bulls.

00:29:46.000 And, you know, I know that they...

00:29:48.000 All I pictured was the bull flying through the air and latching onto my juggler and Joe's screaming...

00:29:54.000 He never did this before.

00:29:56.000 He's really a sweet dog.

00:29:57.000 They were great with people.

00:29:59.000 Pimples are great with people.

00:30:01.000 It's not people you have to worry about.

00:30:02.000 He slid under the fence and was biting that other dog. 0.98

00:30:05.000 Yeah.

00:30:06.000 I had to have my fence welded.

00:30:09.000 I had to have a bar welded around the perimeter of the fence because he figured out that he could Get his head in and bend the bars just by sheer force.

00:30:17.000 Yeah.

00:30:18.000 I don't want any animals like that.

00:30:20.000 They're crazy. 0.97

00:30:21.000 They're so crazy. 0.98

00:30:22.000 But the kids that you have, imagine your little girl inadvertently poking her in the eye and the dog, you know what I mean?

00:30:29.000 I agree.

00:30:30.000 With kids, it's very dangerous, especially if they don't grow up with the kids, if they're not a baby with the kids.

00:30:34.000 Then they get jealous.

00:30:35.000 It's that.

00:30:35.000 They get jealous.

00:30:36.000 And also, they don't think of it necessarily as a human being.

00:30:39.000 It's small.

00:30:40.000 It's a different thing.

00:30:41.000 And they might bite it.

00:30:44.000 That is possible.

00:30:45.000 If it annoys them, they might bite it in a way that they would never bite a person, but they might bite a cat.

00:30:50.000 You know what I mean?

00:30:52.000 They're dangerous.

00:30:53.000 Any dog is dangerous.

00:30:55.000 If it's not trained properly, and especially dogs with a high prey drive.

00:30:59.000 Except people.

00:31:00.000 But they're so fun to be around.

00:31:03.000 They're so friendly and loyal and energetic, and they're so happy to see you, and they're so smart.

00:31:09.000 They're such smart dogs.

00:31:10.000 But unfortunately, all that intelligence comes with a burden, and the burden is the way they...

00:31:16.000 They're ultra dogs.

00:31:17.000 And the way they became ultra dogs is they raised them from fighting each other and they killed all the ones that weren't superior.

00:31:23.000 They really just kept the strong bloodlines.

00:31:26.000 So if you get a dog that's like a real fighting dog, those are some of the smartest dogs you'll ever have.

00:31:31.000 Brian Callan used to have this pit bull, and it was like a direct fighting dog.

00:31:35.000 We bought it from a dude who fought dogs.

00:31:38.000 I was there with him.

00:31:39.000 And this dude, they would gamble on dog fighting.

00:31:41.000 And the guy was explaining to us that the dogs don't die.

00:31:44.000 And he's like, you don't let your dog get killed.

00:31:46.000 And he goes, it's all about gambling, and it's all about breeding the pit bulls.

00:31:51.000 To them, he had been doing this for generation upon generation, apparently.

00:31:56.000 Well, that's what Michael Vick was saying, that it was a cultural thing.

00:31:58.000 Yeah, I don't buy that, man. 0.95

00:32:00.000 He killed a lot of them by electrocuting them and all that.

00:32:04.000 Come on, man. 1.00

00:32:05.000 The dark side of it is that they take these animals after they let them fuck each other up, and then they shoot one of them or kill one of them, the one that quit. 1.00

00:32:15.000 They don't even want them to breed. 0.99

00:32:17.000 If you got scared and turned away from the other dog, they don't even want them to breed.

00:32:21.000 They want them to just fight mercilessly.

00:32:24.000 Fight until somebody pulls them off. 1.00

00:32:25.000 It's just a fucked up thing to breed into a dog. 1.00

00:32:28.000 It's a fucked up behavior trait to breed in. 1.00

00:32:30.000 There's this old frail lady in Burbank that walks her pit bulls Two of them. 1.00

00:32:35.000 Every day.

00:32:35.000 And every time I see it, I'm like, that's not cool.

00:32:38.000 You have to at least be able to, like, if something happens, take care of it and not slap it with a white glove and shit. 0.99

00:32:44.000 Not every pit bull will freak out and fuck other dogs up. 0.98

00:32:47.000 Some pit bulls are very well, you know, like, socialized and well-trained and, you know, they're exercised well so they're, you know, they get tired out and That's an important thing with dogs.

00:32:59.000 Dogs are just like people, man.

00:33:00.000 You've got to throw the ball for the dog.

00:33:01.000 You've got to give the dog some space.

00:33:04.000 My dogs have a big yard to run around in.

00:33:06.000 It's great.

00:33:06.000 They need that, man.

00:33:07.000 Dogs need to be able to blow off some steam.

00:33:12.000 Otherwise, they're tense.

00:33:13.000 A dog that's in the house all the time, it doesn't get to get out.

00:33:15.000 Those dogs will bark and jump up in the air.

00:33:17.000 They're freaking out.

00:33:18.000 They're like, Jesus Christ, you're keeping me locked down in a box all day.

00:33:21.000 I'm a dog.

00:33:22.000 I'm supposed to be out running around. 1.00

00:33:23.000 You know, so if you have two pit bulls, man, you better make sure that you put those fuckers through a good little workout routine. 1.00

00:33:29.000 I need to start bringing my dog here every time I do this podcast. 1.00

00:33:33.000 My poor dog just sits there just like, oh.

00:33:36.000 I have a dog who's in love with me. 1.00

00:33:38.000 He's gay. 0.99

00:33:40.000 The dog, he actually, when he sees me, he goes, oh. 1.00

00:33:44.000 You know, like, who is that fucking guy again? 0.99

00:33:46.000 I love this guy. 0.99

00:33:48.000 But I mean, really, like, you know, I don't do dog bits like that, you know, that in my act, but I mean, it really is amazing how his reacts to me, whatever it is.

00:33:56.000 Yeah, dogs are beautiful like that.

00:33:57.000 That's why people like having them as pets. 1.00

00:33:59.000 When people talk about having, like, a pet bird or something, like, what are you talking about, stupid? 1.00

00:34:03.000 Yeah, the snake. 1.00

00:34:05.000 I almost bought a parrot, I admit.

00:34:07.000 I went through a parrot phase for a while.

00:34:09.000 I just saw, I met a really cool parrot, and I was like, that's so beautiful.

00:34:12.000 I want that in my, like, The bedroom.

00:34:14.000 I think they're cool.

00:34:15.000 Look, you know, I had a pair once, climbed up on my shoulder, and I had a baseball hat on, and he bit the little top button off the top of the hat.

00:34:25.000 I was like, ah, that'd be fun to have around.

00:34:27.000 No.

00:34:29.000 I didn't buy it when I found out they could live to be 120 years old. 1.00

00:34:32.000 Stupid flying shithead. 1.00

00:34:34.000 Claws. 1.00

00:34:35.000 I don't trust anything with claws. 1.00

00:34:37.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:34:38.000 You know? 1.00

00:34:39.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:34:40.000 What kind of creepy thing you got in your life? 1.00

00:34:42.000 That's a...

00:34:43.000 A falcon?

00:34:44.000 Did you hear about this new one that they just discovered?

00:34:47.000 The newest fossil that they've uncovered of the biggest bird that ever lived.

00:34:52.000 It was 30 feet long.

00:34:54.000 It weighed 3,000 pounds.

00:34:56.000 Wow. 1.00

00:34:56.000 This giant fucking predatory monster lizard bird thing. 1.00

00:34:59.000 It was the gray goose of birds. 0.99

00:35:01.000 So that's a dragon, right?

00:35:02.000 Oh, yeah.

00:35:03.000 If it's 30 feet long, that's a dragon.

00:35:05.000 That's not a bird.

00:35:06.000 That's amazing.

00:35:07.000 Well, it's covered in feathers. 1.00

00:35:09.000 It's really fucked. 0.99

00:35:09.000 So are dragons, aren't they? 0.99

00:35:11.000 I don't know.

00:35:13.000 Maybe they were scales and we just suck at feather detections. 0.85

00:35:16.000 You know what I saw last night?

00:35:18.000 Speaking of dragons, I saw the Wrath of the Titans.

00:35:21.000 Is that what it's called?

00:35:22.000 The newest one?

00:35:23.000 Oh, is it good?

00:35:24.000 Is it better than the last one?

00:35:25.000 Oh my god, is it bad.

00:35:27.000 Oh, God, not again.

00:35:29.000 Oh, my God, is it bad. 0.99

00:35:31.000 That sucks. 0.99

00:35:32.000 It's so bad. 0.99

00:35:33.000 It's so bad that you're almost like, did you even write this out?

00:35:38.000 Did you laugh at it?

00:35:39.000 Was it that bad?

00:35:40.000 No, it was stunning.

00:35:42.000 It was stunning. 0.99

00:35:42.000 First of all, the CGI is fucking incredible. 0.99

00:35:47.000 It seems like they just put the entire budget on making it look badass. 0.98

00:35:51.000 I don't usually even like 3D movies, but this is a...

00:35:54.000 Really well done 3D movie.

00:35:56.000 Was it a kid's movie?

00:35:58.000 No.

00:35:59.000 Well, yeah, sort of.

00:36:00.000 I mean, it's like PG or something like that.

00:36:02.000 Maybe it's PG-13 for violence.

00:36:04.000 So good 3D, good graphics. 1.00

00:36:05.000 Sword fighting and shit. 0.98

00:36:07.000 A lot of the monsters were incredible. 1.00

00:36:09.000 They had this fucking dragon thing. 0.99

00:36:11.000 This two-headed dragon. 1.00

00:36:12.000 Holy shit, was it cool. 1.00

00:36:13.000 Like, really fucking cool. 0.99

00:36:15.000 So there's good things about this movie. 0.98

00:36:16.000 Yeah, the monsters.

00:36:17.000 It's like a CGI... Video game. 1.00

00:36:21.000 Monster porn film where the talking in between the fucking is way too long. 1.00

00:36:25.000 Oh yeah, I hate that. 1.00

00:36:27.000 Get to it.

00:36:27.000 Especially if you're in a hotel room and you can't fast forward it.

00:36:31.000 You gotta just sit and watch these dummies act out. 0.99

00:36:34.000 I think she likes you. 0.95

00:36:35.000 Kiss her.

00:36:36.000 I don't want to kiss her. 0.90

00:36:37.000 I don't want to get rejected, man.

00:36:39.000 After Cindy left me, I just don't have that kind of confidence anymore.

00:36:43.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:36:44.000 What could I do to give you more confidence?

00:36:48.000 I like the lesbian ones. 1.00

00:36:50.000 They make me laugh. 1.00

00:36:51.000 Lesbian porns? 0.99

00:36:52.000 Yeah, especially like the mother-daughter ones. 1.00

00:36:54.000 How sick is that? 1.00

00:36:55.000 Yeah, that's fucked up. 1.00

00:36:57.000 Mother-daughter exchange club, where these mothers take their daughters over to Switch. 1.00

00:37:01.000 Oh my god.

00:37:02.000 They both go with older women, but the daughter... 1.00

00:37:04.000 You ever see that one?

00:37:05.000 No.

00:37:05.000 Neither did I, but I heard about it.

00:37:07.000 I would never watch something like that.

00:37:08.000 It's sick.

00:37:09.000 I have it on my phone. 1.00

00:37:11.000 Yeah, I saw one of them where a mother and daughter were sharing a dick. 1.00

00:37:15.000 Oh yeah, I've seen that. 1.00

00:37:16.000 The mother was stuffing it in the daughter's mouth. 1.00

00:37:18.000 And it was the daughter's mouth.

00:37:19.000 The girl looked like her. 1.00

00:37:21.000 I thought it was the son's dick. 1.00

00:37:25.000 I bet there's a video like that. 1.00

00:37:26.000 Oh no, there is.

00:37:27.000 There must be.

00:37:28.000 For real.

00:37:28.000 There's one for everything.

00:37:30.000 If we've thought it up, somebody's already like...

00:37:32.000 Come on my glasses.

00:37:34.000 Oh yeah.

00:37:34.000 That's what I saw.

00:37:35.000 Fetishes.

00:37:36.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:37:37.000 There's foot cum fetishes. 0.98

00:37:39.000 Where dudes only want to come on girls' feet. 1.00

00:37:41.000 There's fetishes where people put fingers in guys' penis holes. 1.00

00:37:47.000 And guys like it. 1.00

00:37:48.000 And guys like it. 1.00

00:37:49.000 And then there's the other way around where guys fuck girls' pee holes and fit the whole dick inside their pee holes. 1.00

00:37:55.000 How is it possible to get a dick inside of a pee hole? 1.00

00:37:56.000 There's videos. 1.00

00:37:57.000 Look at it. 1.00

00:37:58.000 It's fucked up. 1.00

00:37:58.000 It's actually people like it. 1.00

00:38:00.000 It's fucked up. 0.99

00:38:00.000 I look at them every day. 0.99

00:38:02.000 I saw a paparazzi thing happen last night.

00:38:04.000 This is the craziest thing ever. 0.98

00:38:06.000 Okay, we were at the Improv for Comedy Juice, and there was a big gang of, you know, comics outside of the Improv, you know, and just hanging out smoking cigarettes and shit. 0.97

00:38:15.000 And across the street, there's, like, this Mexican tequila bar. 0.97

00:38:18.000 And this celebrity was coming out, and the valet put their car there, and it was, like, Lindsay Lohan-style paparazzis everywhere, like, fucking flashbulbs and fucking jumping on top of their car, like, around their cars, you know, like, just, like, surrounding them, fucking flashbulbs and fucking jumping on top of their car, like, around And so they're in the car, and they're taking photos of photos. 1.00

00:38:39.000 And so all the comics were just screaming stupid shit across the street. 0.99

00:38:42.000 Nothing, like, really bad. 1.00

00:38:44.000 Like, ones that's, like, don't Princess Diana her, and, like, is that Lindsay Lohan? 1.00

00:38:49.000 And just stupid shit. 1.00

00:38:50.000 Right. 1.00

00:38:51.000 And so the car takes out, and it's some girl from, I think, Fast and Furious 2. 0.98

00:38:56.000 I can't remember her name.

00:38:57.000 Maybe Eva Menendez.

00:38:59.000 Menendez or something like that.

00:39:00.000 I don't even know if that was her.

00:39:03.000 Spanish is not your first language.

00:39:04.000 And so she drove by, and she's smiling at us, like, ha-ha, you guys were funny while this whole thing happened.

00:39:09.000 So it was cool, because all the comics are like, yeah, mission accomplished. 0.99

00:39:12.000 But then, the second they left, all the paparazzis, this big gang, just fucking slowly started walking into traffic, the cars honking the horns, like, slamming on their brakes, and they didn't give a shit, and they were just walking across the street, and then getting up into all the comics' faces and going, you got a fucking problem, man? 0.98

00:39:29.000 Paparazzi were doing that? 0.99

00:39:30.000 Yeah, and they were all about to like fucking just start beating the shit out of all these fat improv comic guys. 0.99

00:39:35.000 Aggressive paparazzi? 0.99

00:39:36.000 Yeah, it was crazy.

00:39:38.000 Really?

00:39:38.000 And then I pulled out my iPhone and I started recording it because that's what I thought I would do.

00:39:44.000 But unfortunately, the FaceTime was facing me, but I didn't notice it.

00:39:48.000 So it's just my face going...

00:39:50.000 You got your reaction. 1.00

00:39:52.000 But then halfway through it, I look over, and I'm like, oh, fuck. 0.99

00:39:54.000 And I turn it over, and then I show them all walking away, gang-style, walking through the street, like a fucking gang fight, right? 1.00

00:40:00.000 It was fucking crazy. 0.98

00:40:01.000 So then once they all take off, and suddenly one of the paparazzis came back on this motorcycle going down the wrong way of Melrose. 0.98

00:40:10.000 It's like...

00:40:10.000 Like, in and out of cars.

00:40:11.000 Like, scary.

00:40:12.000 It was scary. 0.98

00:40:13.000 Slams on drugs across the street, talks to the valets, points over to us, and then fucking just takes off and blows through, like, two red lights. 0.99

00:40:20.000 And I was just like, what the fuck are these paparazzi gang members? 0.99

00:40:25.000 It was scary, dude. 1.00

00:40:26.000 It was like, I was just sitting there going, what the fuck? 0.99

00:40:28.000 Well, you gotta think who these people are. 1.00

00:40:30.000 They're people, they're stalkers.

00:40:32.000 They're professional stalkers.

00:40:33.000 They're terrifying. 0.98

00:40:35.000 Those guys are terrifying.

00:40:36.000 Well, they also, I think they have to fortify, because a lot of people, like, lash out at them.

00:40:40.000 Yeah.

00:40:41.000 A lot of people don't like that. 0.99

00:40:42.000 Can you imagine being Lindsay Lohan, though, or somebody like that and just having that shit happen to them? 0.99

00:40:46.000 That's scary. 0.99

00:40:47.000 I bet it is, man.

00:40:48.000 I bet it is.

00:40:49.000 What would you do?

00:40:50.000 That's why I think the AIDS blood thing I was talking about.

00:40:52.000 You had AIDS blood and just started, like, winging it around? 0.98

00:40:55.000 Really, honestly, I don't think it should be legal to have a gang of people just standing out there with a camera and photographing someone like that and freaking people out.

00:41:02.000 Especially when they're walking into traffic like that.

00:41:05.000 That should be something you should be able to get in trouble for.

00:41:08.000 It seems like if you want to go bust pot chops, pot chops aren't hurting anybody.

00:41:12.000 These guys are walking in traffic and big giant groups freaking out some chick.

00:41:17.000 Unless!

00:41:17.000 And here's the big unless.

00:41:19.000 And this is the real unless.

00:41:21.000 Unless she set it all up.

00:41:23.000 And that's exactly what I was thinking too.

00:41:25.000 Because it was like, why is there 25 people and none of us know who this girl is?

00:41:29.000 I think that's what they do.

00:41:31.000 Yeah.

00:41:31.000 Look, everybody's got to grind out a living.

00:41:33.000 I don't hate a guy trying to make a living. 0.99

00:41:35.000 The way you can make a living is taking pictures of Eva Mendes or whoever the fuck it is. 0.96

00:41:39.000 As long as they're not really harassing people, and I don't think they are for the most part. 0.97

00:41:42.000 I think a lot of it, there's a few that'll, I mean, like, clearly when Britney Spears was going bonkers and shaving her head and running around and beating cars with an umbrella, clearly they were just following her.

00:41:54.000 There was no agreements there.

00:41:56.000 Right. 1.00

00:41:56.000 They were like, let's follow this crazy bitch all day. 1.00

00:41:58.000 She's bound to do something nutty. 1.00

00:42:00.000 This is easy pickings.

00:42:01.000 But I know for a fact that people set up fake situations Where they tell someone A publicist will set it up with the paparazzi So the paparazzi waits for them So they make it look like it's a big deal They're everywhere I go What am I going to do? 0.67

00:42:20.000 Meanwhile they're fucking asking for it They're setting it up It's part of the whole let's be famous thing It was scary, though.

00:42:29.000 To me, if that was me that had that happen to me, like, with all the... 0.97

00:42:34.000 Because those people were trying to pull out in their car, and there was just, like, 20 people around their car. 0.79

00:42:38.000 They were like, come on, get the fuck out away from my car, you know? 0.98

00:42:42.000 And they're just, like, touching your car and shit, and that would... 0.99

00:42:45.000 That's... 1.00

00:42:46.000 Fucked up. 0.98

00:42:47.000 And there's so much flashes. 0.99

00:42:48.000 How are you even being able to see when you're trying to pull out in the traffic?

00:42:52.000 The flashes alone.

00:42:54.000 Those people, any flashbulbs going off, all those people should be like tickets.

00:43:00.000 That's like trying to distract somebody. 1.00

00:43:03.000 Fuck texting. 1.00

00:43:04.000 Imagine flashbulbs in your fucking face. 1.00

00:43:06.000 Well, it's definitely just the giant mass of people that you say are blocking the traffic. 1.00

00:43:11.000 You shouldn't be able to do that.

00:43:12.000 Would you ever want Lindsay Lohan on a podcast?

00:43:15.000 Why?

00:43:15.000 I think it would be interesting to talk to her.

00:43:17.000 I think she's hot, man. 1.00

00:43:18.000 You like her?

00:43:19.000 I like that skanky blonde look. 1.00

00:43:20.000 I mean, because she's got a beautiful face. 0.50

00:43:22.000 She's redhead again. 0.99

00:43:23.000 She's so hot now.

00:43:27.000 She needs to stay redhead. 1.00

00:43:28.000 She might be the hottest. 1.00

00:43:29.000 She's so hot. 0.97

00:43:30.000 She's so hot. 0.97

00:43:31.000 My contention about a lot of celebrities, when Michael Jordan was at his peak...

00:43:35.000 And I really believe that they find people annoying, but if they weren't recognized, they'd feel insecure.

00:43:43.000 Hey, I'm Michael Jordan.

00:43:44.000 I'm over here.

00:43:45.000 Don't bother me.

00:43:46.000 Don't you think about a lot of these guys?

00:43:48.000 Some people, they definitely, it's like being recognized is a big part for them.

00:43:53.000 It gives them a charge when they go somewhere and they get recognized.

00:43:57.000 You know Everlast from the House of Pain?

00:44:00.000 He was on the other day.

00:44:01.000 He's the exact opposite.

00:44:02.000 He likes being able to sneak in.

00:44:04.000 Favorite podcast of all time, by the way.

00:44:07.000 201's my favorite.

00:44:08.000 Thanks a lot. 0.53

00:44:08.000 It's pretty goddamn good. 0.53

00:44:09.000 This is 202. Try harder, Tom. 0.93

00:44:11.000 I feel like we're close.

00:44:13.000 I feel like we're real close.

00:44:16.000 No, the reason why I like it is because he played live acoustic songs.

00:44:20.000 Me and Joe pretty much got our own concert, right? 0.95

00:44:22.000 It was fucking awesome. 0.88

00:44:24.000 And the songs were like new songs we had not heard before, and they were really good, man. 0.99

00:44:27.000 He's a good fucking singer. 0.99

00:44:29.000 I was having heart palpitation. 0.99

00:44:29.000 Anybody that can do what you can't do that you love seems so impossible. 0.99

00:44:34.000 Because when people go, stand-up comedy is so hard, and I'm thinking, you're playing a 12-string guitar.

00:44:40.000 Like this neurosurgeon friend of mine.

00:44:43.000 That's hilarious.

00:44:45.000 I know people laugh.

00:44:46.000 We can't have a neurosurgeon friend because we're like joke monkeys.

00:44:49.000 That's not what I meant.

00:44:51.000 Just go ahead, because I know what you're going to say.

00:44:52.000 Go ahead.

00:44:52.000 Well, he says, I can never do what you do.

00:44:54.000 Exactly.

00:44:55.000 I mean, while he's in neurosurgery, I mean, that's hilarious.

00:44:57.000 He said, but he said, I can never do what you do.

00:44:59.000 I said, but at least you can kid around a little.

00:45:02.000 You can kid around with your family, make people...

00:45:04.000 I can't do a little neurosurgery.

00:45:06.000 Yeah, that's funny.

00:45:07.000 It's true, though. 0.82

00:45:08.000 You can't pop into the ORE. Guess who's getting their head cracked open?

00:45:12.000 Well, there's a lot of people that wish they were funny.

00:45:14.000 There's a lot of really staid...

00:45:15.000 A lot of people think they're funny, too.

00:45:17.000 Some people think they're funny, but there's a lot of people that wish they were.

00:45:20.000 And just for whatever reason, they can't figure out how to do that.

00:45:23.000 What is that?

00:45:23.000 Do they take themselves too seriously?

00:45:25.000 I think they're deluded a lot of times that...

00:45:28.000 There was a guy, he said, you know, I'd like to be a comedian.

00:45:30.000 He goes, but I'm not funny. 0.96

00:45:32.000 I go, well, you know, I'd like to be a fucking trapeze artist, but I'm not very acrobatic. 0.98

00:45:36.000 You know what I mean? 0.98

00:45:37.000 Like, if you're not funny, how can you be a comedian?

00:45:40.000 And we know a lot of comedians that aren't funny, but they're successful because they know some of the tricks and they're good looking or they're good at marketing themselves, you know.

00:45:48.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that.

00:45:49.000 There's a lot of people that get to a certain level and you're like, wow.

00:45:52.000 Really?

00:45:53.000 You got that far.

00:45:54.000 That's amazing.

00:45:54.000 Yeah.

00:45:55.000 With that, you know?

00:45:57.000 But they like piece together and act based on what they think is relevant right now.

00:46:01.000 Right.

00:46:01.000 Well, there's certain key things you can always say and get applauses.

00:46:05.000 Yeah.

00:46:06.000 Especially like if you're doing like a specific ethnic culture thing.

00:46:10.000 Say like you're doing like a Latino. 1.00

00:46:13.000 Oh, brother.

00:46:14.000 Boom.

00:46:14.000 You know, you say a couple Spanish words and you get like a big thing.

00:46:18.000 You know what I mean?

00:46:19.000 You see it with any kind.

00:46:20.000 I see it with Italians. 0.99

00:46:21.000 I see it with blacks. 1.00

00:46:23.000 Right. 0.85

00:46:23.000 You know, what's up with that? 0.85

00:46:25.000 What's up, you know?

00:46:26.000 Man, and the white guy. 0.60

00:46:27.000 Dom, that's a really good black person.

00:46:29.000 That's really good.

00:46:30.000 Are you serious, Joe?

00:46:31.000 Yeah, it's pretty good.

00:46:32.000 I thought it was a black guy in the room with me for a second.

00:46:34.000 You close your eyes. 0.69

00:46:35.000 Go ahead.

00:46:36.000 What's up with that?

00:46:37.000 What's up with people who say what's up?

00:46:40.000 Holy cow. 0.89

00:46:41.000 Yeah.

00:46:46.000 Dom was the host of one of the first TV shows I was over on, too.

00:46:49.000 Remember we did that thing in Montreal?

00:46:52.000 Was it Comedy from the Danger Zone or something like that?

00:46:54.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:46:55.000 Right, right.

00:46:55.000 That was fun.

00:46:57.000 Yeah.

00:46:57.000 I remember bringing you up.

00:46:59.000 Yeah, that was fun.

00:47:01.000 Montreal.

00:47:01.000 That was one of the best festivals ever.

00:47:03.000 That was a fun festival.

00:47:05.000 I love that city.

00:47:06.000 It's a great city. 1.00

00:47:07.000 Talk about fucking hot girls. 1.00

00:47:09.000 Oh lord. 1.00

00:47:12.000 My goodness. 0.90

00:47:14.000 Even the ugly sister is beautiful. 1.00

00:47:17.000 There's a lot of pretty, pretty girls up there. 1.00

00:47:19.000 My goodness.

00:47:21.000 It's amazing too.

00:47:22.000 Selfie was pretty, wasn't she?

00:47:23.000 My selfie?

00:47:24.000 Very pretty.

00:47:25.000 What's amazing is that right below that is monsters. 1.00

00:47:28.000 It's fucking Maine. 1.00

00:47:30.000 It's monsters. 1.00

00:47:31.000 Really?

00:47:31.000 Isn't that weird?

00:47:32.000 Monsters.

00:47:33.000 I know, you know.

00:47:34.000 Not all monsters.

00:47:35.000 Ladies.

00:47:36.000 Don't get mad.

00:47:36.000 I met some pretty girls in Maine.

00:47:38.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:47:39.000 Look, when I go home, after living in Hollywood, and you see the staff at a Laugh Factory.

00:47:43.000 You haven't been there a while.

00:47:44.000 Our staff could be like girls at a Laugh Factory. 1.00

00:47:46.000 They're so beautiful.

00:47:47.000 Wow.

00:47:48.000 Right?

00:47:48.000 I don't know who's hiring them, but it's either a woman who's not jealous of other women or a man, because they're beautiful.

00:47:55.000 And I go back to where I'm from.

00:47:57.000 Look at me.

00:47:58.000 It's not like I'm so hot.

00:48:00.000 I'm kind of cute in a way.

00:48:01.000 But people look like extras from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. 0.78

00:48:05.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:48:06.000 Like they're shuffling around and shit. 0.98

00:48:08.000 You get used to this level of beauty that's out here. 0.98

00:48:11.000 It's a weird level of beauty, too.

00:48:12.000 It's like a...

00:48:13.000 Really hard to maintain level.

00:48:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:48:16.000 You know Katana?

00:48:17.000 Katana, the Japanese restaurant?

00:48:19.000 Next to the store?

00:48:20.000 Is that the place next to the store?

00:48:21.000 We were in Jones one night, me and my friend.

00:48:24.000 And he says, man, she's hot, huh?

00:48:26.000 I go, yeah, she's really hot, but she ain't Katana hot. 1.00

00:48:29.000 You know what I mean?

00:48:29.000 Like, there's all levels.

00:48:31.000 You go in there, and it's like the international beauties.

00:48:33.000 There's a black chick. 1.00

00:48:34.000 There's an American Indian.

00:48:36.000 There's an Indian Indian.

00:48:37.000 There's a white girl. 0.96

00:48:39.000 Ridiculously hot Asian girl with a star tattoo over her eyebrow or something. 1.00

00:48:43.000 You're like, whoa. 0.97

00:48:45.000 Am I in a real movie?

00:48:47.000 If I ever date another girl, I'm going way low.

00:48:51.000 I'm going way low, like Olive Garden Ugly.

00:48:55.000 Like, I'm not getting katana hot.

00:48:57.000 I think it's just, I think I just need to be taken care of for a while.

00:49:03.000 What? 0.98

00:49:04.000 You know, like I did all these girls where I'm like having to like be a certain person and I do like a bunch of shit, like a lot of maintenance involved with dating hot girls. 0.99

00:49:14.000 What kind of shit are you having to do? 0.99

00:49:16.000 You know, like, just, I don't know, try harder. 1.00

00:49:20.000 What?

00:49:21.000 Try harder?

00:49:22.000 What does that mean?

00:49:24.000 I'm just tired of trying so hard.

00:49:26.000 If I ever break up with my girl or whatever, and then like, I think the next girl on my day is going to be a girl like in a wheelchair or something. 1.00

00:49:34.000 Wait a minute, do you have a girl now? 0.97

00:49:35.000 Huh?

00:49:36.000 Yeah, sure.

00:49:38.000 You do?

00:49:38.000 Do you?

00:49:39.000 Yeah, a little here and there.

00:49:41.000 It's complicated.

00:49:42.000 It's complicated.

00:49:44.000 So I don't understand what you're saying.

00:49:46.000 What are you saying?

00:49:46.000 You just want to be taken care of?

00:49:48.000 You don't want to try?

00:49:49.000 You don't want to move so much?

00:49:50.000 I'm dating people way out of my league, and so I think I need to go back to the minor leagues.

00:49:56.000 Well, what is wrong with...

00:49:57.000 What's going wrong with dating people out of your league? 1.00

00:50:01.000 Besides the disbelief while you're fucking them. 1.00

00:50:03.000 What the hell is wrong with this person? 1.00

00:50:05.000 Yeah, I don't know. 1.00

00:50:06.000 It's allowing me to fuck you. 1.00

00:50:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:50:09.000 What is it besides that?

00:50:12.000 It's...

00:50:12.000 Besides reality.

00:50:14.000 You let things slide more, I guess.

00:50:16.000 Oh, you let things slide with them. 1.00

00:50:18.000 Like they get shitty with you and you take it because they're hot as fuck. 0.99

00:50:21.000 Yeah, and I'm not talking about my current situation at all. 0.99

00:50:23.000 I know what you're saying.

00:50:24.000 I'm just saying in general...

00:50:26.000 I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

00:50:28.000 Someone has to appreciate you as much as you appreciate them.

00:50:31.000 If there's any sort of an imbalance like that, like if someone feels like they can shit on you because you won't do anything because they have the upper hand in the relationship because you'll never break up with them. 1.00

00:50:39.000 There's a lot of people that get in those kind of relationships and it's fucking stupid. 1.00

00:50:42.000 That's a shit way to live your life. 1.00

00:50:45.000 It's a cowardly way to live your life. 1.00

00:50:47.000 And that's why a lot of damaged girls will date guys that are way under them. 1.00

00:50:52.000 And they do it on purpose to make sure that guy's not going anywhere. 0.99

00:50:54.000 And a lot of times they'll meet some other dude and fuck him on the side. 0.99

00:50:58.000 That's what happens. 0.99

00:50:59.000 I'm looking for a damaged girl. 1.00

00:51:01.000 I really am.

00:51:02.000 I need somebody flawed because at my age, I can't go out with women my age. 1.00

00:51:07.000 I'm going to go, come on, Grandma, flip over. 0.88

00:51:08.000 You know?

00:51:10.000 So I'm attracted to girls in their 20s. 0.97

00:51:13.000 I'm a lot older, obviously.

00:51:14.000 So it never stops.

00:51:15.000 No, but I mean what I'm saying is I need somebody with issues.

00:51:19.000 I need somebody with daddy issues or flawed in some way or is so enamored by my talent they don't look at me like the Mongolian look that I am.

00:51:27.000 You know what I mean?

00:51:28.000 You got an Inuit thing going on. 1.00

00:51:30.000 I do.

00:51:31.000 Joe, look how I thought my face got from eating and drinking.

00:51:35.000 But I see you're actually trying to watch your diet now.

00:51:38.000 I mean, you had the chorizo and eggs.

00:51:40.000 Yeah, for one meal.

00:51:41.000 You asked for egg whites.

00:51:42.000 I know.

00:51:42.000 It's hilarious.

00:51:43.000 You asked for egg whites.

00:51:43.000 That's going to counteract the chorizo.

00:51:45.000 Yeah, I did the same thing.

00:51:47.000 Egg whites and sausage.

00:51:49.000 Jerry's Deli is so delicious, though.

00:51:51.000 It's hard, you know?

00:51:52.000 You're going to have a cheat meal every now and then.

00:51:54.000 That's a good place to do it.

00:51:55.000 That's how Norm's is for me, man.

00:51:57.000 It's so close to the comedy store.

00:51:58.000 It's open 24 hours a day. 1.00

00:51:59.000 Fucking strawberry waffles, egg whites. 0.99

00:52:02.000 The best place on Sunset is the standard. 0.99

00:52:04.000 They still have the same kind of food.

00:52:06.000 I don't like it anymore.

00:52:07.000 No, it's changed.

00:52:08.000 You know what?

00:52:08.000 They add the tip to it, your food.

00:52:12.000 And I just looked at it the other day and I'm like, wait, how long have they been doing this?

00:52:16.000 Did they just kind of put the tip into your total?

00:52:18.000 So I've been double tipping for like a year.

00:52:22.000 Good.

00:52:23.000 You did well.

00:52:24.000 Good job.

00:52:25.000 I just don't like people that do that. 0.99

00:52:26.000 Yeah, well, they probably had to do it because so many fucking drunks come out of that bar. 1.00

00:52:30.000 Well, also people, Europeans and French Canadians. 0.98

00:52:33.000 Yeah, and that is sort of an international sort of a joint.

00:52:35.000 Now that makes sense.

00:52:37.000 They know everything about our culture, and then all of a sudden they don't know about tipping.

00:52:40.000 Yeah, that's an alien to them.

00:52:42.000 It's a funny thing how that's alien.

00:52:44.000 They know.

00:52:44.000 A lot of them know and they use it as an excuse.

00:52:47.000 Yeah, but it's weird.

00:52:48.000 You've been to England and Ireland?

00:52:50.000 Of course, many times. 0.99

00:52:51.000 When you tip over there, they look at you like, what the fuck are you doing, lad? 1.00

00:52:54.000 I had an American. 0.99

00:52:55.000 You know, remember Rich Hall?

00:52:56.000 Yes.

00:52:57.000 He said to me, I tipped in Scotland.

00:52:58.000 He goes, don't tip these people.

00:53:00.000 You're going to ruin it for all of us.

00:53:02.000 Yeah.

00:53:03.000 Japan, you don't tip in Japan.

00:53:04.000 Oh, no?

00:53:05.000 Yeah.

00:53:05.000 You get mad.

00:53:06.000 Yeah, it's weird.

00:53:07.000 It's weird.

00:53:08.000 Wow.

00:53:09.000 I don't know why.

00:53:10.000 Who else does it besides Americans? 0.99

00:53:11.000 Do the French tip? 0.98

00:53:12.000 No, right?

00:53:14.000 10% maybe.

00:53:15.000 10%?

00:53:16.000 Yeah.

00:53:16.000 Oh, French is different.

00:53:17.000 Well, I mean, there's a thing there on there for a tip in a lot of the credit cards.

00:53:20.000 Well, even Canadians are different because Canadians don't tip as much as Americans.

00:53:24.000 Because, you know, waitress... 1.00

00:53:27.000 Nobody tips as much as Americans. 0.98

00:53:28.000 Waitress told me that that was her nickname for black people was Canadians because they didn't tip just like Canadians. 1.00

00:53:34.000 Oh, right. 0.95

00:53:36.000 Yeah, that's an interesting phenomenon that the black culture does not tip. 0.87

00:53:40.000 It's not the black culture, but it is a portion of it, for sure.

00:53:44.000 No, I mean, generally, of course, all black. 0.99

00:53:46.000 I mean, I've been out with Charles Barkley to be a name dropper, and he's ridiculous, ridiculously generous. 0.97

00:53:51.000 Yeah, he's a very generous guy.

00:53:54.000 This kid was late with the food.

00:53:57.000 Did you ever hear this story?

00:53:58.000 No.

00:53:59.000 The kid was late with the food.

00:54:00.000 It took him a long time.

00:54:01.000 Charles gave him a Rolex.

00:54:02.000 He goes, here, maybe this will help you keep time.

00:54:04.000 Wow.

00:54:05.000 Wow.

00:54:06.000 That's pretty cool.

00:54:08.000 He's a cool dude.

00:54:09.000 Yeah.

00:54:09.000 It is, unfortunately, a stereotype, though, that fits.

00:54:13.000 There's a video online of this girl who gets back from a restaurant.

00:54:18.000 I think it's called, like, Why I Got a Tip.

00:54:21.000 Have you ever seen it?

00:54:23.000 It's got millions of hits. 1.00

00:54:26.000 And the fucking comments was a race war. 1.00

00:54:29.000 The goddamn comments were a race war. 1.00

00:54:31.000 And she's just being an ignorant dumbass and just flaunting it on camera like, wow, I got a tip. 1.00

00:54:41.000 Who says I got a tip? 1.00

00:54:43.000 And someone came out and ran out and met her in the parking lot and said, hey, you know, you shouldn't be stiffing us.

00:54:49.000 And it's like, have you ever seen it?

00:54:51.000 Pull it up.

00:54:52.000 Pull it up.

00:54:52.000 Because you want to hear it.

00:54:54.000 Look up why I got a tip.

00:54:56.000 Look up why I got a tip on YouTube. 0.95

00:54:57.000 Joe, the waitresses tell me how, like a lot of times, the black girls are mean to them. 1.00

00:55:02.000 When they're in the audience.

00:55:03.000 Yeah. 0.95

00:55:03.000 And my theory on that, tell me what you think, is that black women get stiffed a lot culturally and by a lot of black men because part of like a success in some eyes of some black men is to have a white chick. 0.95

00:55:18.000 Do you know what I mean? 0.95

00:55:19.000 Right.

00:55:19.000 So like they're part of the culture until they become a celebrity or something and then they got this tall Nordic blonde with them.

00:55:25.000 On some...

00:55:26.000 Does it say why I got a tip?

00:55:29.000 Why I got a tip. 0.98

00:55:30.000 Why the fuck I got a tip. 0.99

00:55:31.000 I think it's that one. 0.99

00:55:32.000 No, that's re-why the fuck I got a tip. 0.98

00:55:34.000 Look up whatever she's referring to. 0.98

00:55:37.000 That's the one it is. 0.99

00:55:38.000 Why the fuck I got a tip. 0.99

00:55:41.000 I like how it's expressed. 0.99

00:55:42.000 You know, it's unfortunate that any culture would have an inclination towards being stingy.

00:55:49.000 You know?

00:55:50.000 Yeah.

00:55:50.000 That's unfortunate.

00:55:52.000 I think, you know...

00:55:54.000 The best thing that could ever happen to people in the black community that get accused of this is for it to become embarrassing. 0.99

00:56:02.000 For it to become ridiculous. 0.96

00:56:04.000 Before it's like everybody should realize that the only way to prosperity is through generosity.

00:56:09.000 If you're not a generous person, you're probably not going to get anywhere.

00:56:12.000 And that you're really holding yourself back by not being kind and not being generous to other people.

00:56:21.000 You know?

00:56:22.000 Yeah. 0.89

00:56:23.000 It's a shitty aspect of any culture. 0.91

00:56:25.000 But this one chick, do you find it? 1.00

00:56:30.000 Why the fuck? 0.99

00:56:31.000 You see, those are all re's. 1.00

00:56:33.000 R-E's. 1.00

00:56:33.000 Why the fuck I got a tip? 1.00

00:56:35.000 You just gotta do a search for why the fuck I got a tip. 1.00

00:56:40.000 Jay, you gotta get rid of this kid. 1.00

00:56:42.000 He doesn't even have a goddamn laptop. 1.00

00:56:45.000 He's got this silly iPad thingy. 1.00

00:56:47.000 He thinks he's slick.

00:56:48.000 It might just be not on.

00:56:50.000 I don't even need it anymore.

00:56:51.000 It's on, man.

00:56:52.000 It might not be on YouTube anymore.

00:56:54.000 It might have been on something else.

00:56:55.000 Oh, you mean you think she pulled it down? 0.99

00:56:57.000 See, I think it's called Why the Fuck I Gotta Talk. 0.99

00:57:00.000 Yeah, those are all re's. 0.98

00:57:02.000 You think somebody pulled it down?

00:57:04.000 Well, people were so mad at her, she probably did pull it down. 1.00

00:57:09.000 Anyway, whatever.

00:57:11.000 It's unfortunate.

00:57:12.000 And then, you know, I'll say this on the podcast, and I'll get a bunch of things on Twitter.

00:57:18.000 Why did you say that, man?

00:57:20.000 People angry at me.

00:57:22.000 A lot of black people, too.

00:57:23.000 Of course they do.

00:57:25.000 Of course they do.

00:57:26.000 You tell me that a lot of them don't?

00:57:30.000 Yes.

00:57:31.000 A lot of them don't, too.

00:57:32.000 Well, that's our experience from living in clubs for the last 20 years.

00:57:35.000 Yeah.

00:57:36.000 I mean, it's also true of the British and the Canadians.

00:57:41.000 Italians are generous, I've got to say, being Italian.

00:57:44.000 They want to make sure people are looking, though.

00:57:45.000 Yeah, I got it.

00:57:47.000 I'm over here. 1.00

00:57:48.000 Yeah, we'll wrestle for a fucking check, you and I. So I'm in Hilarities next week. 0.99

00:57:57.000 Where's that?

00:57:58.000 Cleveland.

00:57:58.000 You never went there?

00:57:59.000 Hilarities in Cleveland.

00:58:01.000 No.

00:58:01.000 What did I do?

00:58:02.000 I did the improv once in Cleveland.

00:58:04.000 You'd love Hilarities.

00:58:05.000 Yeah?

00:58:05.000 Good place?

00:58:06.000 Beautiful.

00:58:06.000 I rarely get to Cleveland.

00:58:08.000 I've only been there once with Charlie Murphy and Hefron.

00:58:12.000 We were touring across the country together.

00:58:12.000 Oh, I like Hefron.

00:58:13.000 Great guy.

00:58:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:58:15.000 Yeah.

00:58:16.000 You would like Charlie Murphy too.

00:58:17.000 Yeah, I never met Charlie.

00:58:18.000 I'd like to meet him.

00:58:19.000 Yeah, he's got an interesting story. 1.00

00:58:22.000 Here's a guy, you want to have fucking balls? 0.99

00:58:24.000 He got on the Chappelle Show when he was in his 40s. 0.99

00:58:28.000 Okay, he had no success up to that, really, you know, a little bit here and there, but really was struggling.

00:58:33.000 Got on the Chappelle Show and all of a sudden started doing stand-up and started headlining, like, within a couple of months.

00:58:39.000 Oh, my God, that's impossible.

00:58:40.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:58:41.000 Sure it's not this one?

00:58:43.000 Uh, nope.

00:58:45.000 It's a black check.

00:58:47.000 That's a white check.

00:58:48.000 Yeah, because they even want to do it.

00:58:49.000 Well, maybe it doesn't exist anymore.

00:58:51.000 Maybe she pulled it down. 0.91

00:58:52.000 Yeah.

00:58:53.000 Doesn't matter.

00:58:54.000 Whatever.

00:58:55.000 Yeah, she did.

00:58:56.000 Oh, yeah.

00:58:57.000 Okay. 0.99

00:58:58.000 Well, the point is, it's unfortunate when people are shitheads. 0.99

00:59:02.000 You know? 0.99

00:59:04.000 And what was your theory about the black girls?

00:59:06.000 Do they get shafted in life?

00:59:07.000 No, I think sometimes they get bitter because they find that a lot of the black men become successful.

00:59:15.000 This is not a generalization.

00:59:17.000 I mean, this is a generalization, obviously, but sometimes they find getting a white woman is an armpiece and a sign of success.

00:59:25.000 You know what I mean?

00:59:26.000 Yeah, that's a weird thing, isn't it?

00:59:29.000 Or maybe they just like the way it looks. 1.00

00:59:31.000 Or maybe they just want to fuck it to the man. 1.00

00:59:33.000 Maybe they just think of it as some white dude who suppressed them's daughter. 1.00

00:59:37.000 Right, right.

00:59:38.000 All that fantasy going on.

00:59:39.000 Daddy pounding it.

00:59:41.000 Do you think that's it, Brian?

00:59:42.000 You keep nodding.

00:59:44.000 I'm just trying to think of something right now.

00:59:46.000 How big your next girlfriend's going to be? 1.00

00:59:47.000 No.

00:59:48.000 $1.70, $1.80?

00:59:49.000 I love him going back to an average girl. 1.00

00:59:51.000 I've got to get myself an average or less than average girl. 0.99

00:59:53.000 So I'm dating porn stars. 0.94

00:59:54.000 The girl that I lost my virginity to added me on Facebook today. 1.00

00:59:58.000 What fucking funny is porn star, the term, when you figure they could suck two cocks for the first time, never star. 1.00

01:00:05.000 Imagine the rest of show business is that easy. 1.00

01:00:08.000 I don't remember being called a comedy star when I did The Tonight Show.

01:00:12.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:00:14.000 I had done HBO specials, all this shit. 0.98

01:00:16.000 They didn't call me a comedy star. 0.98

01:00:17.000 They called me a comedian.

01:00:18.000 You were a comedy star.

01:00:19.000 Yeah, that is interesting.

01:00:20.000 It's like we're so uncomfortable with sex that when we throw the word porn around, we have to have something nice about it.

01:00:27.000 Star. 0.99

01:00:27.000 Porn star. 0.99

01:00:28.000 Rock it like a porn star. 1.00

01:00:31.000 You know? 0.99

01:00:32.000 Oh, he's a rock star. 0.99

01:00:33.000 Do you still watch a lot of porn? 0.96

01:00:35.000 No, I try not to. 0.98

01:00:36.000 It's all about camming nowadays.

01:00:38.000 What about you?

01:00:39.000 No, but it's...

01:00:41.000 I try not to, but there was a worm that came out.

01:00:43.000 A Trojan. 0.76

01:00:45.000 Oh yeah, you were telling me.

01:00:46.000 Half a million.

01:00:47.000 Yeah, you freaked me the fuck out last night. 0.92

01:00:49.000 You should get freaked out. 0.98

01:00:50.000 Turn your java off, son.

01:00:52.000 You know what helped me was blood pressure medication.

01:00:54.000 Yeah?

01:00:55.000 Because with blood pressure medication, it lowers your libido.

01:00:58.000 So now I feel just like I'm kind of Irish.

01:01:01.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:01:02.000 Just like I'm healthy sexually, but not like a fucking monkey who has to fuck everything all the time. 1.00

01:01:10.000 Italian genetics. 1.00

01:01:11.000 Yeah, I mean literally.

01:01:13.000 We both have those wonky Sicilian genetics. 1.00

01:01:16.000 Yeah, we have that like after you get done fucking, you go home and jerk off thinking about what you just did. 1.00

01:01:21.000 That's how much fucking sex. 1.00

01:01:24.000 I remember Sophie turning to me going, how much do you need? 1.00

01:01:29.000 Can you just play with my ass while I'm asleep? 1.00

01:01:31.000 Wow, is that what she said? 1.00

01:01:32.000 Ew.

01:01:33.000 Getting a little too comfortable with you, Dom.

01:01:34.000 Is it because of the Alfredo?

01:01:36.000 Chicken Alfredo?

01:01:37.000 Just all the Alfredo sauce?

01:01:38.000 Yeah, that's what Italians are known for.

01:01:40.000 Alfredo sauce.

01:01:44.000 It's caveman genetics.

01:01:46.000 That's what it is.

01:01:47.000 It's very simple. 0.68

01:01:47.000 We look like trolls. 0.68

01:01:49.000 We're short, wide people. 0.96

01:01:51.000 That's Sicilian look. 0.96

01:01:53.000 Wide, fathead people. 1.00

01:01:56.000 We want to fuck a lot. 1.00

01:01:57.000 Remember Christy? 1.00

01:01:59.000 Remember Christy, the redhead?

01:02:01.000 Yes.

01:02:02.000 She had a great body. 1.00

01:02:04.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:02:06.000 We're going to the Wayback Machine with Don Rivera's penis. 1.00

01:02:11.000 Boners from the past. 1.00

01:02:12.000 Get out of my way.

01:02:13.000 Back when I got hard-ons.

01:02:15.000 I remembered the boner of 95. Back in the dizzy.

01:02:21.000 I just got silk sheets.

01:02:22.000 Have your own silk sheets?

01:02:24.000 No, because I'm a man.

01:02:25.000 What's one of those things is like, why have I ever done this before?

01:02:28.000 It is amazing.

01:02:28.000 Why would you ever have regular sheets?

01:02:30.000 It's like you're laying there. 1.00

01:02:32.000 It's like laying in a silky vagina. 1.00

01:02:34.000 Are you alone doing this? 1.00

01:02:35.000 Yeah.

01:02:36.000 It's nice though.

01:02:37.000 I like to get it out of my head. 0.97

01:02:38.000 You're lying alone, naked.

01:02:40.000 Do you take your underwear off?

01:02:41.000 Remember those blankets that have the silkies on the end?

01:02:45.000 Remember the blankets that have the silkies on the end?

01:02:47.000 You used to put it against your cheek when you were a baby and all that stuff.

01:02:50.000 Imagine a whole blanket made out of that silky and you're laying in it.

01:02:53.000 That stuff was real silk.

01:02:54.000 I can't even imagine it.

01:02:55.000 It's so amazing.

01:02:57.000 It's only like $40 on Amazon.

01:02:58.000 I highly recommend it.

01:02:59.000 Just buy some silk sheets.

01:03:01.000 You'll never buy regular sheets again, I don't think.

01:03:03.000 Look at you, Brian.

01:03:04.000 Do you do it all naked?

01:03:05.000 I do it all the time.

01:03:06.000 Who goes and buys sheets?

01:03:07.000 Can you imagine Joe going out and buying sheets?

01:03:09.000 You have to buy something. 1.00

01:03:10.000 Can you rub yourself to orgasm just with your penis on the sheets? 1.00

01:03:14.000 Probably could, yeah. 1.00

01:03:15.000 I mean, it's really soft.

01:03:16.000 So where do you get these?

01:03:17.000 Amazon.

01:03:19.000 Amazon.

01:03:19.000 They're satin sheets.

01:03:21.000 Picture Dom naked. 0.76

01:03:24.000 Just arms flopping back and forth. 0.90

01:03:27.000 Like a seal.

01:03:30.000 Will you come for me?

01:03:34.000 I always love when they always say, will you come for me?

01:03:36.000 You know what that means? 0.99

01:03:37.000 I'm getting tired of jerking you off. 1.00

01:03:39.000 Get off me, you fucking freak. 1.00

01:03:41.000 Crazy asshole. 1.00

01:03:42.000 I hope next week South Park's all about this. 1.00

01:03:45.000 Oh, that's funny.

01:03:47.000 Paparazzi gang and silk sheets.

01:03:49.000 Come on, Trey.

01:03:50.000 You don't think people are really listening?

01:03:52.000 I hope so.

01:03:53.000 I think that would be so cool.

01:03:54.000 It would be hilarious.

01:03:55.000 Because the week before...

01:03:57.000 I think anybody who watches it, no one knows what we're talking about.

01:04:01.000 We talked about this Bigfoot show, and then they talked about it on South Park, and someone on our message board said, oh, someone from South Park probably heard you guys talking about it.

01:04:11.000 I'm like, but hold on, but anybody who watches that Bigfoot show is going to get the same jokes.

01:04:15.000 Yeah, but you're only missing half of it, though.

01:04:17.000 What?

01:04:17.000 Well, also in that episode, supposedly, I haven't seen this episode...

01:04:20.000 But supposedly there was a part where he's like, don't just eat your buttholes all day or something like that, Cartman says.

01:04:25.000 And then the week before, I have this whole thing at Death Squad where I take a piece of bread and I take the cat bread where I tell my fans to send me photos of them taking a piece of bread, taking a hole out of the middle of the bread and then putting their cat head through it.

01:04:38.000 Right.

01:04:38.000 And I've been doing it for about a month or so.

01:04:40.000 And then that last week's episode was all about like fucking cap redding and shit like that. 0.96

01:04:45.000 About doing that? 0.99

01:04:46.000 Yeah.

01:04:46.000 Wait a minute, you invented that?

01:04:47.000 No, I didn't invent it, but it was definitely a lot of people, like a really small niche of the internet, you know?

01:04:53.000 But they're on the internet too.

01:04:54.000 Oh, no, no.

01:04:54.000 I'm just saying that it's kind of funny that that's something that I've been doing like a lot lately on Twitter.

01:04:59.000 I'm not clear though.

01:05:01.000 Are you accusing them of watching you and then copy?

01:05:03.000 No, no, no.

01:05:03.000 Here's what I'm saying.

01:05:04.000 Last week's episode, it was really weird watching it, because for the last month, that's what I've been doing on Twitter nonstop.

01:05:12.000 So it was kind of cool to see that. 0.93

01:05:14.000 And then this week, I heard that they were talking about Bigfoot and itching assholes, and I'm like, this is getting cool.

01:05:20.000 I hope everything that we talk about becomes a South Park episode. 0.94

01:05:24.000 Well, now, what they're going to do is an episode about a retard radio host who can't get his facts straight and blames Cartman for something he didn't really do. 0.95

01:05:32.000 Olive Garden Bubble.

01:05:32.000 Did you say cat breading?

01:05:34.000 Cat breading.

01:05:35.000 It's so fun.

01:05:37.000 Are you talking about breeding?

01:05:38.000 Breading.

01:05:39.000 No, you take the crust of a bread and you make a hole in it and then put your cat's head through it and you take a photo.

01:05:44.000 He's a grown man.

01:05:46.000 Isn't that strange?

01:05:47.000 They don't make people like him in Philly, do they?

01:05:50.000 No, no, no.

01:05:52.000 Where are you from?

01:05:52.000 Mid-West.

01:05:53.000 Ohio.

01:05:54.000 Where?

01:05:54.000 Columbus.

01:05:55.000 I love Columbus.

01:05:56.000 I love Columbus, too.

01:05:57.000 Growing up, I only knew one Italian.

01:06:02.000 It was my dad's best friend, and he lives in, I think, Pittsburgh.

01:06:06.000 And the only time I'd ever go to Pittsburgh, back and forth, once a year, we'd go and they'd have this huge party where he just invites all his families.

01:06:15.000 It was like the coolest thing ever.

01:06:16.000 That's how I know Italians for my first time, was that they would just have these huge parties with hundreds of family members once a year.

01:06:23.000 And we were invited to that all the time.

01:06:25.000 It was so cool.

01:06:26.000 That's my first introduction to Italians.

01:06:29.000 I don't know why I just brought that up.

01:06:30.000 The Italian-American Society comes to see me every year at Columbus at the Funny Bone.

01:06:36.000 Really?

01:06:36.000 And so they invite me to dinner the day I come in, which is Wednesday.

01:06:40.000 And it's always fun.

01:06:41.000 Do you know Dino?

01:06:42.000 Do you know who hosts one of the shows?

01:06:45.000 You've done the Funny Bone, haven't you?

01:06:46.000 Yes. 0.98

01:06:47.000 Anyway, so I go to this thing, and it's an Italian club, and long story short, a fight fucking breaks out at a club. 0.97

01:06:56.000 But they're all club members. 0.90

01:06:57.000 It wasn't like a club, like a club opening to the public.

01:07:00.000 They're having a vote for...

01:07:01.000 The president gets up and starts talking, and this one guy goes, you know... 0.99

01:07:06.000 It escalated so quickly, like one of those, what the fuck are you looking at? 0.99

01:07:11.000 Nothing. 0.99

01:07:11.000 Who are you calling nothing? 0.99

01:07:13.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:07:14.000 You know, that kind of like, you know what I mean? 1.00

01:07:16.000 I'm like, we're real close to it.

01:07:18.000 It was like, you know what you were saying about how you've seen things, like how unflappable you are, like you've seen things right next to you and it doesn't even faze you?

01:07:26.000 Like the violence?

01:07:26.000 Oh yeah, I've seen so many fights.

01:07:29.000 Well, that's what happened here, but it was such an unlikely place because it was like everybody's cheering each other.

01:07:33.000 They're either Italian or have to have some connection to Italy, you know, whatever.

01:07:38.000 And a real fight broke out.

01:07:40.000 I couldn't believe it.

01:07:42.000 Do you want a piece of this?

01:07:43.000 I always thought that was one of the more unfortunate aspects of our culture.

01:07:48.000 Italian-Americans are very prone to violence.

01:07:51.000 Very prone to fist fights.

01:07:52.000 Italians and Irish.

01:07:53.000 Yeah, Italians and Irish.

01:07:54.000 You got some Irish in you, right?

01:07:56.000 Yeah, I got the best of both worlds.

01:07:59.000 Three quarters Italian, one quarter Irish. 0.99

01:08:01.000 Yeah, they're always like, what the fuck are you looking at? 0.99

01:08:03.000 There's always a lot of that. 0.99

01:08:05.000 Especially the East Coast.

01:08:06.000 All those scruffy immigrants raised kids that carried a lot of those same mentalities. 1.00

01:08:13.000 The East Coast is definitely more hostile.

01:08:15.000 Do people ever ask you about the mob like you know it because you're part of it?

01:08:19.000 Do they ever ask you?

01:08:20.000 No.

01:08:20.000 I get it all the time.

01:08:22.000 Really?

01:08:23.000 Well, because of where I'm from and like, you know, like, I lived in a poor black neighborhood in West Philadelphia.

01:08:27.000 We moved from an Italian neighborhood.

01:08:29.000 I mean, like, we were really connected to the mob.

01:08:31.000 Yeah, we're undercover, you know, that's why we're in this row home in a black neighborhood. 0.99

01:08:36.000 But, because we were the oppressed whites, you know, which was a very interesting perspective of life because people don't ever think about what about the white kids that were let back In a tough black neighborhood.

01:08:46.000 I was lucky because I played ball and they were all my friends.

01:08:49.000 But you couldn't walk through there, just like a black kid couldn't walk through the Italian neighborhood. 1.00

01:08:53.000 Wow. 1.00

01:08:53.000 Isn't that fucked up? 1.00

01:08:55.000 Yeah, it's fucked up. 1.00

01:08:56.000 When are we going to move past that? 0.98

01:08:57.000 And when you know the people, you like them.

01:09:00.000 Yeah.

01:09:01.000 Oh yeah, of course.

01:09:02.000 It's like any other community.

01:09:03.000 It's all about deciding who's going to be nice to who. 1.00

01:09:07.000 You decide that these are the people you're going to be nice to, and you're not going to be nice to those assholes over there. 0.99

01:09:12.000 We were talking about how we were in Kentucky. 0.99

01:09:14.000 We were in Louisville, and Louisville was playing Louisville and Kentucky.

01:09:17.000 Oh yeah, how did that go when they were playing?

01:09:19.000 Crazy. 0.99

01:09:20.000 They started a riot and Oh yeah, what the fuck is that about? 1.00

01:09:23.000 Lit cars on fire and shit. 0.99

01:09:25.000 But the crazy thing is, it's Louisville versus Kentucky. 1.00

01:09:29.000 It's like you assholes. 1.00

01:09:31.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

01:09:32.000 You're in the same goddamn state. 1.00

01:09:34.000 It's a fucking civil war. 1.00

01:09:35.000 This is the most preposterous thing ever. 1.00

01:09:37.000 Yeah, well, like the same thing with Auburn and Alabama.

01:09:41.000 It took a tornado to blow through Tuscaloosa for those people to get in touch with each other.

01:09:48.000 They're all the same people.

01:09:49.000 It's crazy.

01:09:50.000 They're so prone to hate the neighbor or hate the Hatfields and the McCoys.

01:09:56.000 I know.

01:09:56.000 I mean, I said on stage about Michigan.

01:10:01.000 Columbus is in the Ohio State's home.

01:10:02.000 Screw Blue, man.

01:10:03.000 Why are you even talking about that? 0.98

01:10:04.000 Yeah, I've had people from Columbus shit on people from Cincinnati. 0.94

01:10:07.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:10:08.000 Fuck Michigan. 1.00

01:10:09.000 What are you talking about? 1.00

01:10:11.000 Why do you hate them?

01:10:12.000 I don't know.

01:10:13.000 Just hate them.

01:10:14.000 Meanwhile, we're all supposed to be Americans. 0.85

01:10:16.000 It's all preposterous. 1.00

01:10:17.000 All these stupid fucking states. 1.00

01:10:18.000 You see Little Leaguer's mother's banging out. 1.00

01:10:20.000 Preposterous.

01:10:21.000 I said it.

01:10:21.000 You did say it.

01:10:22.000 I can't help myself.

01:10:22.000 You must be a Michigan guy.

01:10:24.000 He has a very prodigious vocabulary.

01:10:26.000 It's preposterous has been the word of the month.

01:10:28.000 Oh, is it? 1.00

01:10:28.000 Yeah, I've been blasting it out every time it comes into my stupid head. 1.00

01:10:32.000 It's preposterous. 1.00

01:10:33.000 It gets into a groove where you can't stop saying it.

01:10:36.000 You go through words, though, definitely, because I remember we used to say powerful, and we used to say something else, like carrots or something.

01:10:41.000 Joe was the first one I ever heard say whatever.

01:10:44.000 Bananas.

01:10:44.000 Instead of whatever.

01:10:46.000 You were the first one that made that inflection, and it spread all over the valley.

01:10:52.000 Whatever.

01:10:53.000 You did.

01:10:53.000 You were the first one.

01:10:54.000 Are you being serious?

01:10:55.000 I thought you were joking.

01:10:58.000 You're the first one I ever heard say it.

01:11:01.000 And then everybody started saying it, and then you didn't say it as much.

01:11:04.000 Really?

01:11:05.000 What did I say?

01:11:06.000 I don't understand what you're saying.

01:11:07.000 You know, you'd be talking about something that would piss you off, and you know, whatever.

01:11:12.000 Instead of saying whatever, you made that beat.

01:11:16.000 Whatever.

01:11:17.000 And then I didn't know I did that.

01:11:19.000 Yeah.

01:11:20.000 I really have no idea.

01:11:22.000 Joe, I know you so much better.

01:11:24.000 You did know me very well, my friend.

01:11:25.000 We've known each other a long time.

01:11:27.000 Tell me more, tell me more.

01:11:28.000 We've known each other since the 90s, the early 90s.

01:11:32.000 I think we met in like 93. Back in the day.

01:11:33.000 When I was living in New York.

01:11:35.000 Remember we met at Caroline's or at Amsterdam Billiards once, too.

01:11:39.000 We just ran into each other.

01:11:41.000 Dom and Rara can shoot a hell of a game of pool, I'll tell you that.

01:11:44.000 I'm going to start saying that, Joe.

01:11:45.000 That's hilarious.

01:11:46.000 Whatever.

01:11:47.000 Whatever.

01:11:48.000 Dude, it's the pause that makes it so uniquely mine.

01:11:52.000 That pause in the middle of whatever, that's where all the brilliance lies.

01:11:56.000 You know, you used to crack me up when people would go to me, like, whatever, like, you know, like, you're going to take credit for like that, and you were the first one I heard, but like, people would say to me, doesn't it bother you that the Sopranos do bada boom, bada bing?

01:12:09.000 I go, no.

01:12:10.000 They go, but you did it before them.

01:12:11.000 I go, because I was around before the show started.

01:12:14.000 I didn't make up acting Italian.

01:12:16.000 I didn't make up forget about it.

01:12:18.000 Well, I was the first one that said forget about it.

01:12:21.000 I had the nastiest thing happen to me last night.

01:12:23.000 I dropped my iPhone in my beer.

01:12:25.000 And so I pulled it out real fast.

01:12:27.000 And then I just did the first thing I thought of.

01:12:28.000 I'll suck all the beer out of the iPhone. 0.99

01:12:32.000 So I'm sucking the holes as hard as I could. 1.00

01:12:35.000 And shit was coming in my mouth. 1.00

01:12:37.000 But then like something, like a slime thing flew my mouth. 1.00

01:12:40.000 I'm like, was that earwax or what the fuck was it? 0.95

01:12:43.000 So I don't know if it was orange for my Hefeweizen or if it was... 0.99

01:12:47.000 Battery acid.

01:12:48.000 Earwax.

01:12:48.000 You had a Hefeweizen, dude.

01:12:49.000 Stop it.

01:12:50.000 It was a piece of orange.

01:12:51.000 No, but I was like...

01:12:52.000 Yeah, you got your beer.

01:12:54.000 It's simple.

01:12:55.000 Orange.

01:12:56.000 I'm going to be your Columbo on this one.

01:12:57.000 Joe, what's wrong with this one?

01:12:58.000 I got your case solved.

01:12:59.000 What's wrong with him?

01:13:01.000 Exactly.

01:13:02.000 He doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. 1.00

01:13:04.000 I've been working with this fucking asshole for a decade. 1.00

01:13:06.000 He doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. 1.00

01:13:08.000 He thinks it's me.

01:13:09.000 He's like, you know, you're just tense.

01:13:10.000 You're from the East Coast. 0.98

01:13:12.000 You're crazy with all that karate. 1.00

01:13:14.000 See, the interesting thing is the word retarded can be misused. 1.00

01:13:18.000 But there is something, in all due respect, there's something retard-esque about you. 1.00

01:13:24.000 Even that vacant look that he has. 0.77

01:13:26.000 Yeah, it's my age difference.

01:13:28.000 You think so?

01:13:29.000 Yeah.

01:13:30.000 You mean everybody your age acts like that?

01:13:31.000 A lot of 37-year-olds are rocking it like that.

01:13:34.000 Are you 37?

01:13:35.000 Yeah, I'm 37 and I rock it like a 22-year-old, which is different.

01:13:38.000 You rock what?

01:13:41.000 What do you rock?

01:13:42.000 I'm rocking a Nintendo shirt right now.

01:13:44.000 Do you think I want to...

01:13:46.000 He's a man-child.

01:13:47.000 You know what a man-child is? 0.94

01:13:48.000 A lot of them work in the computer game industry, a lot of man-child in the comic book world.

01:13:53.000 You need to know what your target market is.

01:13:54.000 How did you get this gig? 0.99

01:13:55.000 I mean, of all the people Joe knows, what the fuck are you doing over there? 0.99

01:13:59.000 I'm ones and zeros. 0.98

01:14:01.000 By the way, I remember I started dropping a one or a zero in normal conversation just to put code into actually communication.

01:14:08.000 Well, do you know what you're saying, though? 0.99

01:14:09.000 What if you have the fucking... 0.99

01:14:10.000 One or zero. 1.00

01:14:12.000 What's the blueprints for a nuclear bomb? 0.99

01:14:13.000 What if, at the end of the time, when someone deciphers all your fucking sentences for the month, they figure out a nuclear bomb? 0.99

01:14:20.000 Seven. 1.00

01:14:20.000 One. 1.00

01:14:20.000 Stop. 1.00

01:14:21.000 It's not seven, dummy.

01:14:22.000 It's one or zero.

01:14:23.000 You can't say seven. 1.00

01:14:24.000 You fucked up your own code. 1.00

01:14:26.000 You're a sloppy code writer. 1.00

01:14:28.000 You're a sloppy code writer. 1.00

01:14:29.000 Seven's the new shit. 1.00

01:14:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:32.000 This is what I deal with, Don.

01:14:34.000 Don, I'm sorry.

01:14:35.000 You could do better.

01:14:36.000 Oh! 0.60

01:14:36.000 No, no, you're good. 0.60

01:14:37.000 You think I could do better?

01:14:38.000 I think he needs some work.

01:14:39.000 What do you think I should do with him?

01:14:41.000 I would cut his hours down.

01:14:44.000 Cut his air time down?

01:14:45.000 And so that he, when he comes in, he's more focused.

01:14:48.000 That's podcasting.

01:14:50.000 You do understand we smoke a shitload of weed before we do this.

01:14:53.000 This is Joe Rogan weed, so you get to see it.

01:14:56.000 Do you have a medical thing for that, Joe?

01:14:59.000 That's what's important.

01:15:00.000 We both do.

01:15:01.000 What do you have to say that your ailment is?

01:15:04.000 How do you get medical...

01:15:05.000 Look at them.

01:15:06.000 Entertainment.

01:15:06.000 What's right with them?

01:15:07.000 I'm not...

01:15:08.000 I need to be...

01:15:09.000 What's fine?

01:15:10.000 What's yours, Joe?

01:15:11.000 Anxiety?

01:15:11.000 What's good?

01:15:11.000 Mine's anxiety.

01:15:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:15:13.000 I sleep in the whole world.

01:15:14.000 Does that help?

01:15:15.000 No.

01:15:16.000 No, it doesn't help me.

01:15:17.000 I don't have anxiety.

01:15:18.000 I do have...

01:15:20.000 It definitely helps me go to sleep.

01:15:22.000 It makes food taste better.

01:15:24.000 Do the lights just blink or do I pass it out?

01:15:26.000 I think the lights just blinked.

01:15:27.000 Oh, good.

01:15:28.000 Do I pass it out?

01:15:31.000 It helps if you've got injuries.

01:15:34.000 If you're achy, it makes you feel a little bit better.

01:15:36.000 It relaxes you.

01:15:37.000 I find it relaxes my muscles.

01:15:41.000 I like Xanax.

01:15:42.000 You don't like the weed?

01:15:44.000 No, I don't like smoke.

01:15:46.000 Really?

01:15:46.000 You can eat it, you know.

01:15:48.000 You can eat it too, Joe.

01:15:49.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:15:49.000 No need to attack me. 0.71

01:15:51.000 What are you getting so aggressive for?

01:15:52.000 What did I do?

01:15:53.000 You said you haven't smoked weed, though, for a very long time, though.

01:15:56.000 Since the Beatles were out.

01:15:58.000 And if you take so much Xanax, you might just take a hit once just to see if it does anything for you.

01:16:02.000 Any of the new stuff.

01:16:03.000 Any of the devils?

01:16:04.000 No, I mean, because this is a cheaper alternative that will probably...

01:16:07.000 I drink a lot, though.

01:16:09.000 No, I'm doing good.

01:16:10.000 I drink a lot.

01:16:11.000 The way you said it was like, I drink my vitamins.

01:16:13.000 Do you drink every day?

01:16:15.000 Yeah.

01:16:16.000 Like Ed McMahon style?

01:16:17.000 I do.

01:16:17.000 And I'm hungover every day, which is really a testament to my comedy because it's great.

01:16:24.000 That's the great thing about being a comedian.

01:16:25.000 You can actually function.

01:16:27.000 I'm way more, Joe, than when we hung out a lot.

01:16:29.000 I'm way more alcoholic than I was.

01:16:32.000 Because I graduated to hard liquor.

01:16:36.000 Oh.

01:16:37.000 Is this because of a girl?

01:16:39.000 I don't know where to go from here.

01:16:40.000 No, because my girl, my sister died, a couple other things.

01:16:45.000 But I find it to be a really fun habit.

01:16:51.000 I don't like to hang over, but I time it.

01:16:53.000 I go, well, if I go to sleep, take a half of Xanax, in six hours I'll be alright.

01:16:58.000 I'm a little dizzy from the combination of the tranquilizer and the alcohol, but I do feel better.

01:17:03.000 Are you supposed to take those two together?

01:17:05.000 No.

01:17:06.000 How bad is it for you?

01:17:08.000 Well, it could stop your heart.

01:17:09.000 And you're like, wow, it's worth it?

01:17:12.000 No, that's why I keep the time in between them.

01:17:14.000 Like six to eight hours.

01:17:16.000 I made that up.

01:17:18.000 I totally made it up.

01:17:20.000 I'm thinking that's what it should be.

01:17:22.000 The alcohol metabolizes it about that much.

01:17:25.000 If I'm drunk, I don't take anything.

01:17:27.000 If I feel drunk, I wait until I feel...

01:17:30.000 But if you take the Xanax and you're under the effects of it, sometimes you'll have a couple drinks?

01:17:34.000 No.

01:17:35.000 No?

01:17:35.000 Not usually.

01:17:36.000 I mean, not usually.

01:17:37.000 So it's one or the other.

01:17:38.000 On a plane, maybe.

01:17:40.000 Yeah, it's one or the other.

01:17:41.000 Hoping there's a doctor on board?

01:17:43.000 Yeah.

01:17:44.000 What are the odds?

01:17:45.000 Yeah.

01:17:46.000 You shouldn't do that.

01:17:47.000 You should switch to weed.

01:17:48.000 Get off my back, will you? 0.69

01:17:50.000 You didn't even know me, man.

01:17:52.000 What is the main reason why you're doing this?

01:17:54.000 What is the main reason for Xanax?

01:17:56.000 Xanax is for anxiety.

01:17:57.000 Anxiety, yeah.

01:17:58.000 What kind of anxiety?

01:18:00.000 You know, just like panic attacks.

01:18:02.000 When did these start?

01:18:03.000 When I was four.

01:18:06.000 For real?

01:18:07.000 This is a lifelong thing? 0.97

01:18:07.000 I was being raped by my entire family. 0.97

01:18:11.000 They passed me around the room. 0.99

01:18:13.000 And they plugged me.

01:18:14.000 Like a joint.

01:18:15.000 You're a fleshlight.

01:18:16.000 Like a joint.

01:18:17.000 They just start pumping on me.

01:18:19.000 I always had anxiety.

01:18:21.000 I went to a psychiatrist when I was in seventh grade.

01:18:24.000 Really?

01:18:24.000 I did not know any of this.

01:18:27.000 Well, that's why I'm here, to reveal myself.

01:18:29.000 I'll be at Hilarity's next week.

01:18:31.000 And you can see me at Captain Brian's the following, two weeks from there.

01:18:35.000 It's on my show.

01:18:36.000 You went to a psychiatrist?

01:18:37.000 Yeah, my mother sent me a psychiatrist.

01:18:39.000 And what was it for?

01:18:40.000 I was in love with him.

01:18:41.000 No, I'm kidding.

01:18:45.000 It was for anxiety, panic attacks.

01:18:49.000 Wow.

01:18:50.000 I have all the same things.

01:18:50.000 I went to the hospital about a year and a half ago.

01:18:52.000 I had to pull over and call 911 on myself because of an anxiety attack.

01:18:56.000 Really?

01:18:56.000 Yeah.

01:18:57.000 It cost me a lot of money.

01:18:58.000 See, now I feel bad.

01:18:59.000 I hope you know I was kidding you. 1.00

01:19:00.000 He was high as fuck. 0.98

01:19:02.000 Yeah, you've actually started something. 1.00

01:19:04.000 It's already starting to hit me. 0.99

01:19:05.000 Yeah, but you were high as fuck when you pulled over. 0.99

01:19:07.000 No, I wasn't. 0.99

01:19:08.000 I just didn't eat all day.

01:19:09.000 But didn't you get high?

01:19:10.000 Did you hallucinate?

01:19:13.000 Yeah, I was.

01:19:14.000 I was starting to see trails and stuff.

01:19:16.000 I felt like I was having a heart attack the whole time.

01:19:19.000 Yeah, that's a typical symptom of that.

01:19:22.000 Like, and I was like holding my neck and I could feel my heartbeat.

01:19:24.000 But the thing that I didn't like is I called the ambulance and they were like, yeah, there's something wrong.

01:19:28.000 And I'm like, oh, now looking back, I'm like, well, how do they know?

01:19:30.000 You might have had a heart attack.

01:19:32.000 I mean, they didn't know you were having a panic attack.

01:19:33.000 I love these people that think they have heart attacks.

01:19:35.000 They don't have chest pains. 1.00

01:19:36.000 They don't even know what a fucking heart attack is. 1.00

01:19:38.000 Right. 1.00

01:19:38.000 You gotta have chest pains to have a heart attack. 1.00

01:19:40.000 I get those too.

01:19:41.000 Yeah, you would think so.

01:19:41.000 I would, I'm pretty sure.

01:19:43.000 As a smoker, I get those too sometimes, you know.

01:19:45.000 He's a smoker too.

01:19:46.000 Oh, you smoke cigarettes?

01:19:47.000 Yeah, a lot.

01:19:48.000 Do you work out?

01:19:49.000 Oh, no, I don't know.

01:19:52.000 I'm pretty much like you.

01:19:54.000 I have a hangover every day.

01:19:55.000 No, I work out though.

01:19:56.000 I work out.

01:19:58.000 I work out.

01:20:00.000 I domercize.

01:20:01.000 You know what that is?

01:20:02.000 What does that mean?

01:20:02.000 It's very low impact.

01:20:03.000 You can actually eat while you're doing it.

01:20:05.000 It's a form of...

01:20:06.000 I watch myself on a video just exercising and I exercise to that.

01:20:11.000 Oh, dom. 0.98

01:20:12.000 I consider masturbation working out though. 0.99

01:20:15.000 Is this a bit? 0.99

01:20:16.000 No bit?

01:20:16.000 I think you might want to throw that one out.

01:20:18.000 It's never been in.

01:20:20.000 I thought you...

01:20:22.000 What'd you say about working out? 1.00

01:20:23.000 If you fuck pillows, that's like working out. 1.00

01:20:25.000 For you. 1.00

01:20:26.000 That's a concern.

01:20:27.000 It's like push-ups, kind of.

01:20:29.000 Any movement you do adds minutes to your life on this planet.

01:20:33.000 Is that true?

01:20:34.000 Especially for him, yeah.

01:20:35.000 Sure, he's one step on a grave, one banana peel.

01:20:38.000 Yep.

01:20:38.000 Dead man.

01:20:39.000 Dead man walking.

01:20:40.000 Look at him.

01:20:41.000 Dead man walking.

01:20:42.000 He's not taking care of this vehicle.

01:20:43.000 Nope.

01:20:44.000 He's just riding it and stuffing Cheetos into it.

01:20:47.000 He's a little pill. 1.00

01:20:48.000 I said beer and pussy juice. 1.00

01:20:50.000 The cigarettes are the real issue. 1.00

01:20:51.000 It's fucking unbelievably bad for you. 0.99

01:20:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:20:54.000 Yeah, they are really bad.

01:20:56.000 You never get that, right?

01:20:58.000 Cigarettes, sixth grade.

01:20:59.000 I quit.

01:21:01.000 How long did you do it for? 0.99

01:21:02.000 You know, I used to get my grandfather would get samples, and I would smoke cigarettes one after another, and I'd go, fucking, that'd be so dizzy. 0.94

01:21:09.000 It was like, yeah. 0.94

01:21:10.000 Because I thought, you know, you get high by smoking just like one after another.

01:21:14.000 You do.

01:21:14.000 That's what I did.

01:21:15.000 But it's not a fun high.

01:21:18.000 You're dizzy, like you're lightheaded, you know.

01:21:20.000 You throw up.

01:21:21.000 I never threw up, but it is nauseating.

01:21:23.000 I threw up from chewing tobacco once. 1.00

01:21:26.000 That shit's so gross. 1.00

01:21:27.000 You know what's so gross? 1.00

01:21:28.000 The baseball players spit that shit, but it's on a rug. 1.00

01:21:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:33.000 It's a rug.

01:21:34.000 It's not like grass where it gets absorbed into the ground.

01:21:36.000 Right.

01:21:36.000 What is that?

01:21:37.000 Are they allowed to spit it on the astroturf?

01:21:39.000 They do.

01:21:40.000 You'll see them... 1.00

01:21:42.000 Oh, yeah, that's fucking nasty. 0.99

01:21:43.000 Remember that scene from Naked Gun or something where they all start spitting? 0.99

01:21:48.000 Yeah.

01:21:48.000 Yeah, they're just hilarious.

01:21:50.000 Whoever fucking figured out how to do that? 0.98

01:21:52.000 Isn't it funny that that's legal? 0.99

01:21:54.000 Chewing tobacco but cocoa leaves aren't legal.

01:21:57.000 Right.

01:21:58.000 Which is probably better for you.

01:22:01.000 Matter of fact, it's definitely better for you.

01:22:02.000 I don't think people are chewing cocoa leaves and getting cancer.

01:22:06.000 Have you ever seen these new cancer commercials they have?

01:22:07.000 Oh my god.

01:22:08.000 They're scaring the fuck out of you. 0.88

01:22:09.000 Yeah.

01:22:10.000 Have you seen that one, Brian?

01:22:11.000 Yeah, they're pretty bad. 1.00

01:22:12.000 They all suck. 1.00

01:22:14.000 Especially when they have holes in their throats. 1.00

01:22:16.000 That doesn't make you want to quit smoking? 0.99

01:22:17.000 Black guys looking out of windows. 0.56

01:22:19.000 How long have you been smoking? 0.86

01:22:21.000 Since I was 15. But the idea of starting now, after all we've seen, that's really crazy.

01:22:28.000 Yeah.

01:22:28.000 I mean, I should talk.

01:22:29.000 I'm drinking every day.

01:22:30.000 Like, I don't know if alcohol is bad for you.

01:22:32.000 But the idea of, like, thinking, you know, I think I'll start this.

01:22:34.000 I think I'll start this habit that I don't have yet.

01:22:37.000 Just, you know.

01:22:38.000 What made you start?

01:22:40.000 Because you're saying you're way more of an alcoholic now than you were now.

01:22:44.000 Well, it's a progressive disease, you know?

01:22:45.000 That's the fun thing about it.

01:22:47.000 You get better at it.

01:22:48.000 Do you ever decide to do anything about it?

01:22:51.000 Do you ever decide to slow down?

01:22:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:22:54.000 Whenever I'm hungover, I quit until that night.

01:22:58.000 We had a funny thing.

01:22:59.000 I was on a tour bus.

01:23:01.000 Remember when I was opening for Cher?

01:23:03.000 Yeah.

01:23:04.000 We had a funny thing.

01:23:05.000 I kidded this waitress at the Laugh Factory about it the other night.

01:23:09.000 Me and my friend Ollie, we never slept on the bus.

01:23:12.000 And we're drinking all night, and we gotta quit drinking.

01:23:17.000 Okay, this is it. 1.00

01:23:18.000 It's stupid. 1.00

01:23:18.000 It's fucking killing our bodies. 1.00

01:23:22.000 And so in about an hour, we're sobering up and we go, you know, we haven't been drinking for a while. 0.99

01:23:27.000 It's great being sober.

01:23:29.000 What do you say we celebrate our sobriety with the drink?

01:23:32.000 So that was, you know, this girl the other night at the Lab Factory, we did something like, she goes, I'm not drinking tonight.

01:23:39.000 I said, me neither.

01:23:40.000 All right, we'll have one as a reward for not drinking.

01:23:45.000 You don't drink, huh?

01:23:47.000 I drink.

01:23:47.000 I don't drink a lot.

01:23:49.000 But when he does, he does.

01:23:50.000 I can throw it out. 0.99

01:23:51.000 You're a shot man. 1.00

01:23:52.000 I can do shots. 0.99

01:23:54.000 Yeah.

01:23:54.000 I like to try to keep as balanced as possible.

01:23:58.000 You can get addicted to just getting fucked up all the time and going on stage. 0.99

01:24:01.000 I don't like to go on stage fucked up. 0.99

01:24:04.000 I do this new thing that's really cool. 0.99

01:24:05.000 I really lose it.

01:24:06.000 Do you?

01:24:06.000 Quickness, yeah.

01:24:07.000 How many times have you gone on stage fucked up accidentally though? 0.97

01:24:11.000 Maybe 10. Maybe 20. 50. That's the most. 0.94

01:24:18.000 You know what's bad is getting drunk if you're going to do an hour because you've got to pee.

01:24:23.000 You've got to really watch that.

01:24:25.000 That's true, yeah.

01:24:26.000 But I'm not better as a drunk because I'm not nervous doing stand-up.

01:24:31.000 So alcohol does me no good.

01:24:33.000 Right.

01:24:34.000 It just dulls me and it slows the quickness down, the reaction a little bit.

01:24:39.000 Right.

01:24:40.000 It throws your timing off.

01:24:41.000 I'm much better on coffee than I am on booze.

01:24:45.000 Yeah.

01:24:46.000 Because I don't have any fear of the stage.

01:24:48.000 I don't have any fear of...

01:24:49.000 I'm going to get you some of this Alpha Brain stuff.

01:24:50.000 For real.

01:24:51.000 Take it before you go on stage.

01:24:52.000 Take it like an hour before you go on stage.

01:24:53.000 What is it?

01:24:54.000 It's the stuff we're selling at Honest.

01:24:55.000 Oh, really?

01:24:56.000 Yeah, I got bottles of it.

01:24:57.000 I did something the other day that I started doing where I'll order vodka and Diet Coke, and then I'll tell the guy every three of them, make them just Diet Cokes.

01:25:07.000 So I don't even know when I'm doing it or not.

01:25:11.000 I felt drunk at the end of the night, and I was like, how many have I had?

01:25:14.000 And he's like, you've only had two, and you've been here for six hours, so you're fine.

01:25:16.000 Whoa.

01:25:18.000 So you couldn't have been drunk. 0.99

01:25:20.000 You're psychosomatic.

01:25:21.000 But it wasn't even like, I was like, am I drunk?

01:25:23.000 I don't even know if I'm drunk or not.

01:25:24.000 I was confused. 0.99

01:25:26.000 Is he retarded? 1.00

01:25:26.000 Tell me. 1.00

01:25:27.000 This is the first time you're hanging out with him.

01:25:28.000 No, like if you don't know if you're drinking alcohol, are you like, am I drunk?

01:25:32.000 No, I know.

01:25:33.000 I understand.

01:25:33.000 You know what he's like?

01:25:35.000 This is a contradiction in terms. 0.99

01:25:36.000 He's like a really bright retard. 1.00

01:25:39.000 You know? 0.98

01:25:40.000 That's what I mean.

01:25:41.000 I don't know how else to put it.

01:25:42.000 That's exactly how my Facebook is.

01:25:45.000 That's my motto.

01:25:48.000 That should be your new thing on your message board. 0.92

01:25:51.000 He doesn't have the happiness of a retarded kid, the joy that they have, the smile. 1.00

01:25:56.000 He's a pretty happy guy.

01:25:58.000 I can't hang out with him more. 0.83

01:26:00.000 He's hanging out with all his porn star friends. 1.00

01:26:03.000 You really fucking porn stars? 1.00

01:26:04.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

01:26:05.000 Doesn't that you skeeve that they've been there? 1.00

01:26:07.000 Well, they're not the girl-girl porn stars. 0.96

01:26:10.000 They're only girl-girl porn stars. 0.96

01:26:11.000 They're girl-girl? 0.99

01:26:11.000 They only do this. 0.99

01:26:13.000 Oh.

01:26:13.000 And this.

01:26:14.000 Yeah.

01:26:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:26:16.000 You don't really have to do that for me, Joe.

01:26:18.000 I know what it looks like.

01:26:20.000 I'm getting a kick out of doing that.

01:26:25.000 Yeah, it's a weird world.

01:26:26.000 It's uncomfortable getting to know that world.

01:26:30.000 It's normal to them, too, which is very strange.

01:26:33.000 Well, it's so stereotypical.

01:26:35.000 The weird thing about that world is a lot of them are very nice, and you get to meet them, and you're like, wow, this is just some nice girl who just...

01:26:44.000 Somehow or another, she found herself in some situation where she has this almost insatiable desire for sexual attention, and a lot of that is because they were molested.

01:26:53.000 And then when you find that out, it's a buzzkill.

01:26:57.000 Yeah, yeah, then you start feeling bad.

01:26:59.000 Yeah, it's a massive buzzkill.

01:27:00.000 And you humanize them.

01:27:00.000 If you humanize them, you're going to lose all your fantasies.

01:27:02.000 You lose your boner, for sure.

01:27:03.000 When you talk to some of them, I mean, some of them say that nothing's ever happened to them, and I believe them.

01:27:08.000 I think it's possible that some of them just love them.

01:27:09.000 Yeah, because they can need attention for other reasons.

01:27:11.000 Yeah, more, I don't know, maybe they just rationalize it.

01:27:14.000 I don't know.

01:27:14.000 Or maybe that's just their reality and they don't have a problem with it.

01:27:17.000 I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it.

01:27:19.000 I'm saying when you delve into that world...

01:27:21.000 There's got to be something wrong.

01:27:23.000 Yeah, well, a lot of times there is.

01:27:25.000 Strippers, I never met a stripper who was... 1.00

01:27:27.000 A lot of times there is.

01:27:27.000 And they're not really working their way through law school.

01:27:29.000 Very rare.

01:27:30.000 Some of them do.

01:27:31.000 It's like a Mike Young joke.

01:27:33.000 Yeah.

01:27:35.000 We have a bunch of genius trippers.

01:27:37.000 I never heard that.

01:27:38.000 I saw him last night.

01:27:40.000 Yeah, same jokes?

01:27:41.000 No, I didn't watch the show.

01:27:43.000 I just talked to him.

01:27:44.000 But would you ever like him at Ice House?

01:27:46.000 Would that be okay?

01:27:46.000 Sure.

01:27:47.000 Cool.

01:27:47.000 Why'd you bring that up in the air?

01:27:48.000 I don't know.

01:27:50.000 How embarrassing would it be for Mike if Joe said no?

01:27:55.000 Oh, that's true.

01:27:55.000 We talk business off the air!

01:27:58.000 What is all this with this fucking guy? 0.99

01:28:00.000 Well, we've talked about Mike Young so many times on the podcast, but we've never had him on anything. 1.00

01:28:04.000 He got his ass kicked one time. 0.99

01:28:06.000 Yeah, remember that? 1.00

01:28:07.000 That was brutal.

01:28:08.000 He's got an interesting story about that.

01:28:11.000 Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't want to tell.

01:28:14.000 Is that him?

01:28:15.000 I don't know.

01:28:15.000 It's not my phone, is it?

01:28:16.000 Not my phone.

01:28:18.000 Tom, is it your phone?

01:28:19.000 It must be your phone, bro.

01:28:20.000 I don't even know where my phone is. 1.00

01:28:21.000 Yeah, it's because it's fucking ringing, you crazy bitch. 1.00

01:28:23.000 You just had it. 1.00

01:28:24.000 You were sucking on it. 0.99

01:28:26.000 Yeah, remember? 0.92

01:28:27.000 The whole thing? 1.00

01:28:28.000 You sucked on it and you stuffed it under your ass. 1.00

01:28:32.000 I work with him on a regular basis, Tom. 1.00

01:28:34.000 Do you do stand-up?

01:28:35.000 Yes.

01:28:35.000 I'm about to go on the road with Joey Diaz.

01:28:38.000 Yeah, I know.

01:28:38.000 You told me.

01:28:39.000 You don't believe he does stand up?

01:28:42.000 Well, you find it shocking.

01:28:44.000 I find it a little uncomfortable to talk about.

01:28:48.000 What's blackened on top of a stairway?

01:28:51.000 What?

01:28:51.000 Christopher Reeves after a fire.

01:28:55.000 That was really good like five years ago.

01:28:58.000 It's good to hear a good crisp new Christopher Reeves.

01:29:01.000 Now you're just wasting time.

01:29:02.000 Now, you wonder why you get hate mail.

01:29:04.000 You wonder why people... 0.98

01:29:06.000 I banned a couple people from talking shit about you on the message board. 0.95

01:29:10.000 Oh, by the way, did you watch the Modcast? 0.95

01:29:13.000 Your message board now has a podcast that Mute, Jason and Voodoo and Johnny Rotten did.

01:29:18.000 They're doing it themselves.

01:29:19.000 Yeah, they might fly up one day and go on.

01:29:21.000 Yeah, I want to do it too.

01:29:21.000 We should do a gig up there.

01:29:23.000 That'd be awesome.

01:29:23.000 Do a gig in Seattle and then do the podcast.

01:29:25.000 Definitely.

01:29:26.000 You know what's a joke that I love?

01:29:28.000 Tell me what you think it is.

01:29:29.000 Maybe you heard it.

01:29:31.000 Guy goes to a psychiatrist.

01:29:32.000 Psychiatrist says, what's the problem?

01:29:33.000 He goes, I don't know, Doc. 1.00

01:29:35.000 I just can't seem to keep any friends, you fat fuck. 1.00

01:29:42.000 You said you went to a psychiatrist when you were 17. No, 13. Oh, 13? 1.00

01:29:47.000 Really?

01:29:48.000 12, 13, yeah.

01:29:49.000 Wow.

01:29:49.000 Have you been as an adult?

01:29:52.000 Not a psychiatrist, psychologist.

01:29:54.000 That's the kind that don't prescribe drugs, right?

01:29:56.000 Right.

01:29:57.000 Huh.

01:29:59.000 You want to talk about that?

01:30:03.000 No.

01:30:03.000 Oh, Joe.

01:30:04.000 I'm telling you, Dom, I think you would like pot.

01:30:08.000 The Xanax stuff, what does it do?

01:30:11.000 It kills anxiety, makes you relax?

01:30:12.000 Is that what it does?

01:30:13.000 Yeah.

01:30:14.000 It's great.

01:30:15.000 It makes you feel like you're a normal person.

01:30:17.000 What I've heard, though, is that if you take it and then you get off it, the anxiety actually increases.

01:30:23.000 Well, I wouldn't get off it.

01:30:24.000 So it's a daily thing?

01:30:26.000 Every day. 0.96

01:30:26.000 I had just heard from someone, we were just talking about this, and he goes, I couldn't fucking imagine taking Xanax every day. 0.96

01:30:34.000 He just said this to me. 0.96

01:30:35.000 Because it makes you sleepy.

01:30:36.000 I don't know.

01:30:37.000 I don't know what it does to you.

01:30:38.000 Do you want to try one?

01:30:40.000 No.

01:30:41.000 I'll have one.

01:30:41.000 Well, why don't we...

01:30:42.000 When we get in the car, I'll give you one.

01:30:45.000 I don't think it's for me.

01:30:47.000 I've actually tried it.

01:30:48.000 No, I'm glad that you do pot.

01:30:49.000 I'm glad...

01:30:49.000 I mean, I'm telling you, like I was telling you before, you seem so much more at peace with yourself.

01:30:54.000 I had a bunch of...

01:30:54.000 Calm down a lot.

01:30:55.000 I think it definitely helped.

01:30:56.000 I had a bunch of life experiences, a bunch of psychedelic experiences, too.

01:31:01.000 A bunch of... 1.00

01:31:02.000 I'd be so afraid to do that shit. 1.00

01:31:03.000 Yeah? 1.00

01:31:04.000 Why? 1.00

01:31:05.000 Well, because I'm a pussy. 1.00

01:31:08.000 I'm registered. 1.00

01:31:09.000 I'm a registered pussy. 1.00

01:31:13.000 Yeah, the psychedelics change me a lot, for sure. 1.00

01:31:17.000 It's hard to gain a perspective on life while you're in.

01:31:20.000 So you do mushrooms and stuff?

01:31:20.000 I've done them, yeah, I'm sure, several times.

01:31:23.000 It's all about basalts.

01:31:25.000 Don't even say that, Brian.

01:31:27.000 Just kidding. 1.00

01:31:27.000 Basalts are fucking stupid. 1.00

01:31:28.000 Somebody might hear that. 1.00

01:31:29.000 What did he say?

01:31:31.000 Basalts. 1.00

01:31:31.000 It's some new fucked up drug they're selling. 1.00

01:31:33.000 It's like a cousin to crystal meth and they can sell it as basalts. 0.99

01:31:36.000 You know what's even worse?

01:31:37.000 It's that fake weed. 1.00

01:31:39.000 I've been reading all this shit lately about that fake weed. 0.99

01:31:42.000 Synthetic weed. 1.00

01:31:43.000 The synthetic weed.

01:31:43.000 How bad it is for you.

01:31:45.000 That's not good.

01:31:45.000 You know what's good about the pot that you get is that you're getting it from an illegal place, which means hopefully it's not tainted in anything.

01:31:53.000 I don't know why anybody would go to a really shady neighborhood and buy shit off a drug dealer who may never see them again.

01:32:01.000 Why would you trust that guy? 0.61

01:32:04.000 You gotta do what you gotta do.

01:32:06.000 You gotta get the cheapest prices.

01:32:08.000 You gotta do what you gotta do.

01:32:09.000 Why would I pay double the amount?

01:32:10.000 When you're in Rome, you gotta dance.

01:32:12.000 That's one of those sayings that you can't argue with.

01:32:15.000 You gotta do what you gotta do.

01:32:16.000 It is what it is.

01:32:17.000 It is what it is.

01:32:18.000 What else could it be than what it is?

01:32:20.000 What else could it be? 0.91

01:32:21.000 You could be looking at it in a distorted way because saying it is what it is is you might be looking at it in some sort of a fucked up way to justify your position. 0.58

01:32:31.000 I never expected an answer to that question. 0.86

01:32:33.000 It was a rhetorical question.

01:32:34.000 I appreciate the answer.

01:32:35.000 Well, I'm one of those guys.

01:32:36.000 I don't let them all float out there.

01:32:38.000 If you whack around a rhetorical one that needs to be addressed in a very literal sense, I'm ready.

01:32:45.000 I was laughing about something last night about you.

01:32:49.000 I was telling Eleanor about...

01:32:51.000 I would...

01:32:53.000 You know, he's so good at pull, Joe, that it's really tough to beat him, even a nine ball, which can involve a lot of luck.

01:33:02.000 And I would start talking about Carlos Mencia.

01:33:06.000 This was years ago. 1.00

01:33:07.000 Just to aggravate him, and his fucking stick would pop. 0.99

01:33:10.000 You know, like he would get aggravated. 0.99

01:33:12.000 Just looking for any kind of edge.

01:33:15.000 At the comedy store the other day, I was there.

01:33:17.000 Somebody tore down Carlos and Mencia's picture and threw it in the trash.

01:33:20.000 Everyone thought I did it. 1.00

01:33:21.000 I was like, fucking assholes. 1.00

01:33:23.000 Someone trying to impress you, probably. 1.00

01:33:25.000 Somebody wants you to be your boyfriend.

01:33:28.000 Did you do stand-up at the comedy store?

01:33:30.000 I'm only allowed on friends and family.

01:33:32.000 If there's a host I know, they'll let me do the...

01:33:35.000 You do the belly room?

01:33:37.000 No, the main room.

01:33:38.000 Or no, OR. But it's like a three to five minute spot.

01:33:41.000 What a great club.

01:33:43.000 What a great all-time club.

01:33:45.000 Dominic.

01:33:46.000 What's your favorite club in the country?

01:33:50.000 Probably that one in Columbus as far as a neutral club.

01:33:55.000 I mean, you know, I love Wildwood.

01:33:59.000 When I do the Wildwood gig, it's really special to me because I'm from Philly and Wildwood's like the suburb of Philly.

01:34:07.000 Do you do Helium?

01:34:08.000 Yeah.

01:34:09.000 Great club.

01:34:10.000 That's another all-time classic.

01:34:12.000 I'm doing, do you ever do Captain Brian's?

01:34:14.000 Did I ask you that?

01:34:15.000 No, it's my ship.

01:34:16.000 It's in Marco Island, so it's beautiful.

01:34:18.000 It's a great gig.

01:34:19.000 It looks like a B room, but they pay like an A room, and it's just fun.

01:34:24.000 I mean, being on, you know, that kind of environment.

01:34:27.000 That Columbus, Ohio, by the way, Funny Bone, that's my home club.

01:34:30.000 That's where I started stand-up.

01:34:32.000 Stroop's a great guy.

01:34:33.000 I also like Tampa and the Hollywood Improv.

01:34:38.000 How many weeks are you on the road a year?

01:34:41.000 I don't know, Joe.

01:34:41.000 It's awkward if I'm doing TV or not.

01:34:44.000 Like when I was doing that Judge show, I was less...

01:34:46.000 I would say...

01:34:48.000 At least half the time.

01:34:49.000 What was that judge show?

01:34:50.000 It was called Supreme Court of Comedy.

01:34:52.000 It's actually coming back.

01:34:53.000 It was on DirecTV and it was fun.

01:34:57.000 I'd love you to do it.

01:34:58.000 What did you do?

01:35:00.000 I'm the judge and it's real small claims cases.

01:35:05.000 People sign a contract that says they can't sue again in a real small claims court that I make the final decision.

01:35:12.000 Right.

01:35:12.000 And I just told them.

01:35:13.000 I said, you know, I don't really know much about the law.

01:35:16.000 I said, I'm not fair.

01:35:18.000 If it's a hot chick, you're going to win something.

01:35:20.000 And, you know, that's the way life is.

01:35:22.000 You know, I did something exactly like that a long time ago.

01:35:25.000 Really?

01:35:26.000 Merv Griffin tried to do it.

01:35:27.000 It's called Rogan's Law.

01:35:28.000 Same thing.

01:35:29.000 Are you serious?

01:35:29.000 He did a pilot for it before I ever did Fear Factor.

01:35:31.000 Yeah, they didn't do it, though.

01:35:34.000 Did you have comedians as lawyers?

01:35:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:35:37.000 No, not as lawyers.

01:35:38.000 There's no comedians as lawyers, but there's a...

01:35:40.000 God, I wish I could remember their names.

01:35:43.000 One of the comics, I see him around the improv.

01:35:45.000 I'm sorry, I'm blanking on his name.

01:35:46.000 He was the bailiff, and there was another comic.

01:35:49.000 No, we had hot chicks as the bailiff. 1.00

01:35:51.000 Oh, really?

01:35:53.000 That's why your show worked, and mine didn't even go past pilot.

01:35:55.000 We did three years.

01:35:57.000 Didn't Mooney do something like that, too?

01:35:58.000 Well, he was on my show a lot.

01:36:00.000 Oh, okay.

01:36:01.000 Yeah.

01:36:01.000 And I've got to say, he really gave good energy.

01:36:04.000 He really did.

01:36:05.000 He's a pro.

01:36:06.000 He really went out 100%.

01:36:08.000 It was fun. 0.88

01:36:10.000 The guy who was fucking hilarious was Andy Kindler. 0.92

01:36:16.000 Kindler's very funny. 0.97

01:36:17.000 Oh, my God.

01:36:18.000 He had me crying laughing.

01:36:19.000 This little nebbishy Jewish guy. 1.00

01:36:21.000 He was walking around.

01:36:22.000 He's almost like this Woody Allen look.

01:36:24.000 He was funny.

01:36:26.000 And it's interesting to see because you can tell which comedians have improv chops and which guys are only funny behind their act right away.

01:36:34.000 Yeah, sure.

01:36:35.000 And I'll tell you who was really prepared to the point where he was like a lawyer who was Lovitz.

01:36:40.000 Really?

01:36:40.000 Oh, he went up against Kevin Pollack.

01:36:42.000 Poor Kevin Pollack.

01:36:44.000 He was doing Adam Arkin impressions.

01:36:47.000 Alan Arkin?

01:36:49.000 Alan Arkin.

01:36:50.000 Yeah, Alan Arkin.

01:36:51.000 And he was doing impressions.

01:36:52.000 And these kids, I said, we got like 17-year-old kids in here.

01:36:55.000 They don't know what you're doing.

01:36:56.000 You know, it's like Joe Piscopo did The Three Stooges.

01:37:00.000 Now they're going to know them again because of the movie.

01:37:01.000 But then I go, first of all, you're not even doing, like, at least do Shemp updated from Curly.

01:37:07.000 You know, he's doing Curly.

01:37:09.000 You understand what our audience is?

01:37:11.000 So Kevin Pollack does Alan Arkin and what did Lovitz do?

01:37:15.000 Lovitz was just fucking hilarious and he was really prepared.

01:37:18.000 And he was going, Kevin would go to say something and he would go, Silence! 0.99

01:37:22.000 Silence, you impudent... 0.98

01:37:24.000 Get queer. 1.00

01:37:25.000 You know, you're an alcoholic faggot. 1.00

01:37:27.000 He was doing all this shit, you know. 1.00

01:37:28.000 You called him a faggot? 1.00

01:37:29.000 Yeah, you know, they bleeped that out. 1.00

01:37:31.000 But, you know, just like anything he could think of, you know, to put him down.

01:37:37.000 It was funny, though.

01:37:39.000 So you did that for three years?

01:37:40.000 Yeah.

01:37:41.000 And it's only on DirecTV?

01:37:42.000 It was, yeah.

01:37:43.000 Did it get on the internet at all?

01:37:45.000 Does anybody think to put it on the website?

01:37:46.000 I don't know.

01:37:48.000 I don't know, but we're going to do a podcast, I told you, from the Laugh Factory.

01:37:51.000 Who are you going to do it with?

01:37:53.000 Myself.

01:37:53.000 Just you?

01:37:54.000 Yeah, well, unless anybody else is available.

01:37:57.000 Brian?

01:37:58.000 You want to be in business with Brian?

01:38:00.000 Brian actually does a whole string of podcasts in Pasadena.

01:38:04.000 Yeah, Pasadena Ice House.

01:38:05.000 I have a studio at the Ice House.

01:38:07.000 Did I do it with you once?

01:38:08.000 Yeah, you were at my Ice House Chronicles.

01:38:09.000 Oh, that's where I know your face, right?

01:38:10.000 I already explained that. 1.00

01:38:11.000 That Xanax is a motherfucker. 1.00

01:38:13.000 Yeah, I remember. 1.00

01:38:14.000 Was that today?

01:38:15.000 Yeah.

01:38:16.000 Earlier today?

01:38:16.000 Yeah, it was this morning when we did the podcast.

01:38:18.000 How many of those...

01:38:19.000 You take one half a day?

01:38:21.000 Is that what you do?

01:38:21.000 No, I take three halves.

01:38:23.000 Three halves in a day?

01:38:24.000 Yeah.

01:38:25.000 How long have you been doing that?

01:38:27.000 I don't know.

01:38:27.000 Five years?

01:38:28.000 Wow. 1.00

01:38:30.000 Ever since you left me, you son of a bitch. 1.00

01:38:32.000 Does it make a big difference? 1.00

01:38:33.000 I don't know.

01:38:34.000 I don't know what it's like not to take it.

01:38:36.000 Do you want to?

01:38:38.000 Do you ever say, you know what, tomorrow I'm going to become a vegan, start doing yoga, drink spring water, go for your morning jogs? 1.00

01:38:45.000 Or why don't I just jump out a fucking window and stare? 0.99

01:38:49.000 No, I don't. 0.99

01:38:50.000 I mean, when you get ideas in your head of moderation.

01:38:54.000 What is the, you know, you just go, this probably can't be good for me.

01:38:58.000 Let me just kick back a little, stick around a little longer.

01:39:01.000 What are you thinking of when you go in moderation?

01:39:06.000 I only think that way when I'm hungover.

01:39:09.000 And then when I'm normal, I feel invincible.

01:39:14.000 You know what I mean?

01:39:14.000 What a normal!

01:39:16.000 What a normal!

01:39:17.000 No, I mean, I just feel like I could drink.

01:39:19.000 So a little bit of booze and a little bit of Xanax just makes you feel great.

01:39:23.000 You just feel on top of the world.

01:39:24.000 Well, yeah, a little bit does.

01:39:26.000 A lot of booze.

01:39:29.000 I was talking to an emergency room doctor, and she told me that the Xanax that I take, at the level I take it, is probably a placebo at this point.

01:39:36.000 Really? 0.99

01:39:37.000 Well, she said because I never upped the dosage because I'm not that stupid. 0.99

01:39:42.000 I don't want to get to a point. 0.97

01:39:44.000 I never got high on Xanax.

01:39:46.000 Well, is that what you're supposed to do?

01:39:47.000 You're supposed to continue to up the dosage?

01:39:49.000 No, but I think if I were an addict in the sense of being really addicted to the drug and the feeling of it, it would be normal to try and get higher.

01:39:57.000 I think it's just a psychological thing that I think I needed to go back to sleep and all. 0.98

01:40:01.000 Well, when you hear about guys like Rush Limbaugh, and he starts doing Oxys, and you hear about him doing 99 a day, and you know you want to do that Xanax every day and have a drink every day, do you ever see that and go, fuck, how far away is that from what I'm doing? 0.98

01:40:16.000 No. 0.94

01:40:17.000 You're maintaining in a very specific dose.

01:40:20.000 I worry more about the booze.

01:40:21.000 I mean, I'm not into painkillers. 0.97

01:40:24.000 Do you remember when I had that operation on my balls? 0.99

01:40:27.000 What did you have done to your balls? 0.99

01:40:28.000 I had a plastic surgery to have them reshaped. 0.99

01:40:31.000 No, I had to make them look yummy.

01:40:35.000 I had them dipped in chocolate.

01:40:37.000 No, I had this thing called a spermatocel.

01:40:40.000 And it's a rupture of the sperm duct. 0.92

01:40:43.000 So your ball starts getting bigger. 0.72

01:40:45.000 Oh, that's right.

01:40:46.000 Yeah, I do remember that. 0.99

01:40:47.000 Yeah, you were in a lot of fucking pain. 0.97

01:40:49.000 Yeah, but the thing that was interesting was I never took painkillers because if you moved, it really hurt. 0.99

01:40:55.000 But what I did was I'd have Sophie and I would split wine, a bottle of wine.

01:40:59.000 I'd rather get high on alcohol than take Vicodin or something.

01:41:04.000 I'm not really like a drug addict except for one drug. 0.99

01:41:09.000 I'm not like a guy that just pops pills and fucking drinks wildly. 0.99

01:41:14.000 Wow. 1.00

01:41:15.000 I'm a very conservative addict.

01:41:16.000 But you feel dependent on this experience, like having this experience every day, being in that state.

01:41:22.000 Yeah.

01:41:23.000 Wow.

01:41:25.000 But I don't feel bad about it.

01:41:27.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't feel the need to correct you or give you any advice.

01:41:31.000 You seem like pretty resigned to it.

01:41:34.000 I'm too scared to.

01:41:35.000 You're scared of his wit?

01:41:37.000 His comedy.

01:41:39.000 Scared of what?

01:41:39.000 Scared of your comedy.

01:41:41.000 Scared of your comedy and your wit.

01:41:43.000 I don't want to say anything.

01:41:45.000 My rapier-like wit?

01:41:46.000 Why are you turning on him?

01:41:47.000 Did I go after you too hard?

01:41:49.000 Nah, he needed it.

01:41:50.000 He did a good job.

01:41:52.000 You did what you needed to do.

01:41:54.000 Considering the circumstances, how he was behaving.

01:41:57.000 Look at the way he looks around.

01:41:58.000 He goes over the top for this show.

01:42:01.000 And a lot of people don't understand that. 0.99

01:42:03.000 It's like half of his fun is to play a fucking head wound victim. 1.00

01:42:09.000 It's like him being silly. 1.00

01:42:11.000 He plays a character. 0.95

01:42:13.000 It's not that I'm playing a character, I'm just, I don't filter myself.

01:42:16.000 Why do you gotta disagree with Joe?

01:42:19.000 What do you get a kick out of disagreeing with the boss?

01:42:21.000 He's not quite like that when the camera's off.

01:42:23.000 Right, I filter myself, act polite.

01:42:25.000 And sometimes he goes a little over the top.

01:42:27.000 He's just trying.

01:42:28.000 It's all coming from a good place.

01:42:30.000 He's trying to get better at when to go over the top and not to go over the top.

01:42:35.000 How's his stand-up?

01:42:37.000 It's not bad.

01:42:38.000 He's got some good jokes.

01:42:40.000 He's got some good jokes.

01:42:41.000 If he wanted to and he dedicated himself to it, he could be a real professional. 1.00

01:42:45.000 Problem is, he's a lazy bitch. 1.00

01:42:46.000 Do you want to hear my Bob Hope joke? 1.00

01:42:48.000 No.

01:42:49.000 It's actually not a bad joke.

01:42:50.000 Alright.

01:42:51.000 Did you hear Bob Hope died today?

01:42:53.000 Oh, really?

01:42:54.000 Yeah.

01:42:55.000 Do you think they flew out his body to Iraq to entertain all the dead troops?

01:43:00.000 I'm not sure.

01:43:01.000 Where's the joke?

01:43:03.000 That's the old joke.

01:43:04.000 That was six years ago at Columbus, Ohio, Funny Boat, and I got booed in his, and then I quit comedy for five years because of it.

01:43:10.000 What a relief. 0.99

01:43:12.000 Damn it. 0.99

01:43:13.000 You know what's really hard to fathom is, and this is not to depress you, you're 37. No matter what you do, no matter how much you work, you'll never be as good as Joe or myself. 0.99

01:43:26.000 I know.

01:43:26.000 Isn't that sad in a way?

01:43:28.000 You can put your whole heart in so you can get writers and you'll just never have that natural gift.

01:43:34.000 It's not sad because I don't want that.

01:43:36.000 Well, it's easy to say you don't want it because you don't have a choice.

01:43:39.000 No, no.

01:43:39.000 I mean, I do comedy for a different reason.

01:43:41.000 I do comedy because I think it's fun once in a while, but I don't obsess about it.

01:43:44.000 Like, I do it once a week.

01:43:45.000 I'm good.

01:43:46.000 I don't care.

01:43:47.000 It's just kind of...

01:43:48.000 Because I do so much podcasting, I consider this like a different kind of comedy where instead of doing like 15 people at a comedy club, I'm doing...

01:43:56.000 500,000 people on podcasts.

01:43:59.000 Yeah, it is a kind of form of comedy.

01:44:01.000 I've heard people say that about posting on message boards.

01:44:03.000 They're like internet comedians.

01:44:04.000 Just like text-based internet comedians.

01:44:08.000 I'm using somebody that hides in the corner underneath a hat.

01:44:11.000 So being on stage to me, it doesn't do anything for me.

01:44:14.000 I don't get a boner about it. 0.92

01:44:15.000 But I do like to be funny and silly. 0.95

01:44:18.000 Tom's old school. 0.99

01:44:18.000 He doesn't silly men in their late 30s. 0.99

01:44:21.000 He's like, come on with this. 0.98

01:44:22.000 Come on with this.

01:44:23.000 Old school.

01:44:23.000 But he is funny.

01:44:25.000 He could be funny.

01:44:26.000 I know he's funny.

01:44:26.000 He's got the man-boy market covered.

01:44:31.000 Sweet.

01:44:32.000 It's a market.

01:44:33.000 It's out there.

01:44:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:44:35.000 Bill Burr attacked it recently.

01:44:36.000 Yeah, he was really upset about it.

01:44:38.000 And I totally understand what he's saying, but I don't get what alternative comedy is to me.

01:44:43.000 Because if you go to the biggest alternative website, aspecialthing.com, they're talking about Patton Oswalt, Sarah Silverman.

01:44:51.000 Patton Oswalt is one of the best joke writers that I know. 0.94

01:44:54.000 That guy is fucking hilarious. 0.93

01:44:56.000 Alternative comedy is simply a way of saying comedy for us. 0.97

01:45:00.000 They're the people who couldn't get on at the regular places.

01:45:02.000 Even the people that could, that they worship, like Patton Oswalt, who's, like you said, great comedians.

01:45:08.000 It's like, it's just comedy, man.

01:45:10.000 You know, the idea is that, what Burr said that was so hilarious was that they took the fear out of comedy, and they made it so everyone's ultra-supportive, and you go there, and you can be, like, really awkward.

01:45:20.000 Yeah, yeah, you can tell stories. 0.64

01:45:22.000 And he goes, meanwhile, we had to go through fucking bars, you know, the places that we did stand-up, we were starting out, and getting booed at, and screamed by drunks. 0.79

01:45:30.000 Yeah, but do you believe if you're either funny or you're not? 0.98

01:45:33.000 Yeah.

01:45:33.000 Do I believe that?

01:45:34.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:45:34.000 I used to believe that, but then I see people that were fucking terrible, and they stuck with it, and they figured it out. 0.96

01:45:40.000 Yeah, but they learn. 0.94

01:45:42.000 You can get to a certain point on hard work, but there's a certain point you can't get to without talent.

01:45:49.000 Yes.

01:45:50.000 Maybe.

01:45:50.000 I don't know.

01:45:52.000 I would say yes, but goddammit, I've seen people that I thought just absolutely sucked, and they figured out how to be funny.

01:45:58.000 They weren't bad. 0.64

01:45:59.000 Who's the best untalented comedian you've ever seen?

01:46:05.000 I don't want to say.

01:46:07.000 I have one, but I don't want to say.

01:46:09.000 I don't want to say.

01:46:10.000 I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

01:46:12.000 Name me your three top comedians, us excluded, that you see working right now.

01:46:19.000 Working today, Doug Stanhope's my favorite.

01:46:24.000 After that...

01:46:26.000 Doug Stanhope, the only thing about Doug, is he like angry about something?

01:46:33.000 Can't tell.

01:46:34.000 Are you kidding?

01:46:35.000 Yeah, of course I'm kidding.

01:46:36.000 How dare you.

01:46:37.000 Who else?

01:46:40.000 Louie, for sheer prolific amount of work.

01:46:43.000 Amazing, yeah.

01:46:44.000 He puts out a new hour every year.

01:46:46.000 His stuff's great.

01:46:47.000 I definitely have people I like to see that don't do really necessarily stand-up, though.

01:46:50.000 Maybe alternative.

01:46:51.000 Like Don Barris.

01:46:52.000 There's only three people that I watch at the Comedy Story.

01:46:54.000 Yeah, he is funny.

01:46:55.000 And everyone else I really don't watch is Don Barris, Brody Stevens, Dave Taylor.

01:46:58.000 I saw Norton do a headline set in Austin last year when I was there for a UFC and I didn't book a gig.

01:47:04.000 I went to see him at the Cap City. 0.98

01:47:08.000 He was fucking great, man. 0.98

01:47:10.000 He was really funny. 1.00

01:47:11.000 Norton killed. 0.99

01:47:13.000 It was so dirty that sometimes I feel like I have too many dick jokes when I act. 1.00

01:47:17.000 I'm like, what is wrong with you, fucking pervert? 1.00

01:47:19.000 And then I saw Norton. 1.00

01:47:20.000 It was an hour solid of dick jokes. 1.00

01:47:22.000 People shitting on people. 1.00

01:47:23.000 Yeah, an hour solid of his cock whining in someone's mouth. 1.00

01:47:28.000 Then I laughed the entire time. 1.00

01:47:31.000 He's great.

01:47:34.000 DePaulo's great.

01:47:36.000 There's a lot of great comedians out there right now, man.

01:47:38.000 This is a great time.

01:47:40.000 Robert Kelly's funny.

01:47:42.000 I love Burr, Tosh.

01:47:44.000 Burr's great. 1.00

01:47:45.000 Burr's awesome.

01:47:45.000 Tosh is a natural.

01:47:47.000 And Burr is really prolific, too. 1.00

01:47:49.000 He's constantly coming up with new shit. 0.95

01:47:51.000 Yeah, there's a lot of great guys now. 0.99

01:47:53.000 It's a great time for comedy.

01:47:54.000 Comedy comes in waves.

01:47:56.000 It does, doesn't it?

01:47:56.000 Because there was such a dearth of talent at the store.

01:47:59.000 For a long time.

01:48:00.000 Yeah.

01:48:01.000 And your group started up and...

01:48:04.000 Yeah, when we came there in the 90s, remember how bad it was? 1.00

01:48:06.000 You'd have these fucking guys go up and they were terrible. 0.99

01:48:11.000 There were people that would sing songs and they wouldn't even have a joke in it. 1.00

01:48:14.000 It would just be like a really, like, like a fucking famous hit song and they would just sing it. 0.98

01:48:20.000 Right, right. 0.99

01:48:20.000 And then end. 0.99

01:48:21.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:48:23.000 Oh, you remember fucking, what's his name, Barry Diamond? 0.98

01:48:25.000 He used to, walking in, what is it? 0.99

01:48:27.000 Walking in Memphis.

01:48:28.000 Walking in Memphis.

01:48:28.000 He would go on stage singing, and really singing it, and everybody would be waiting for it to be a joke.

01:48:32.000 I told you he threatened to kill me once, because he said I was stealing his act, because some bartender in San Francisco said I was doing his act.

01:48:39.000 I brought him in one night to see me.

01:48:41.000 I said, did you see anything?

01:48:43.000 He goes, no.

01:48:45.000 Because he had asked me to help him out.

01:48:47.000 He badmouthed me to the guys in Atlanta.

01:48:50.000 And I got no beef with Barry.

01:48:52.000 And he said, well, if Dom and Eric can headline, why can't I? And these guys are friends of mine.

01:48:56.000 So they called me up and go, who is this fucking guy? 0.98

01:48:58.000 I said, Barry, why would you badmouth me when you don't know who's friends with who? 0.99

01:49:03.000 He said, well, I'm sorry, can you try and get me the gig now?

01:49:06.000 I go, no, I'm not going to help you now. 0.97

01:49:09.000 Comedians are so screwy. 0.90

01:49:11.000 I saw Barry Diamond the other day. 0.99

01:49:12.000 I actually talked to him.

01:49:13.000 Really?

01:49:13.000 I saw him do stand-up at the comedy store.

01:49:15.000 How was it?

01:49:17.000 It's good.

01:49:17.000 Barry Diamond's a good comedy.

01:49:18.000 I saw a girl.

01:49:19.000 A girl, chick, woman. 0.99

01:49:21.000 Did he try to touch you or anything?

01:49:23.000 Kissed me on the lips a little.

01:49:24.000 We saw a girl? 0.72

01:49:25.000 Mary Lynn Rice Cobb?

01:49:28.000 Yeah, she was funny.

01:49:28.000 That's Duncan's old girlfriend.

01:49:30.000 Oh, that's right.

01:49:31.000 She kicked him. 0.94

01:49:31.000 She kicked him out and he had to live with me. 0.94

01:49:34.000 Are you serious?

01:49:35.000 Yeah.

01:49:35.000 He lived here?

01:49:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:49:37.000 Lucky bastard. 1.00

01:49:38.000 Nicest place he ever had. 1.00

01:49:40.000 Did his puppet stay outside?

01:49:42.000 No, I kept the puppet in my room.

01:49:43.000 I said, I keep the puppet.

01:49:44.000 That's part of the deal.

01:49:45.000 I want him to watch me.

01:49:47.000 Duncan's doing great. 1.00

01:49:48.000 He's fucking killing him, man. 1.00

01:49:49.000 We went on the road. 1.00

01:49:50.000 We did Louisville together.

01:49:51.000 He got a standing ovation every time he went on stage.

01:49:53.000 Did he really?

01:49:53.000 It's crazy.

01:49:54.000 It's because of this podcast.

01:49:55.000 Oh, that's great. 0.91

01:49:56.000 Yeah, if you do great on the podcast, you know, it's fucking awesome for you.

01:50:01.000 Unfortunately, because of this episode, your Twitter numbers are probably going to drop.

01:50:04.000 Really?

01:50:05.000 Yeah.

01:50:06.000 People are going to unfollow you.

01:50:07.000 I shouldn't have gone into the Xanax thing.

01:50:09.000 People are going to feel bad for me.

01:50:11.000 No, you're being honest.

01:50:12.000 I think the way you're explaining it and describing it is, you know, you're pretty logical about it.

01:50:20.000 I can't imagine not doing it.

01:50:23.000 Really?

01:50:24.000 I'm in love with it.

01:50:25.000 Without it, what was the feeling?

01:50:26.000 What is when you describe anxiety?

01:50:27.000 How would you categorize it?

01:50:31.000 Like an emotional tap dance.

01:50:35.000 Just like, you know, jittery and...

01:50:37.000 Always?

01:50:38.000 Well, I never wait for the moment because I always take the pills.

01:50:43.000 So when did it start?

01:50:46.000 I'm fine on stage.

01:50:47.000 Please don't not come because of this.

01:50:49.000 Yeah, why is that?

01:50:50.000 Because on stage you're super calm and smooth.

01:50:53.000 That's because of where I feel at home.

01:50:54.000 Oh, that's crazy.

01:50:55.000 I don't feel at home.

01:50:57.000 Imagine that for most people.

01:50:59.000 Getting on stage and public speaking is one of the most terrifying things.

01:51:01.000 Joe, honestly, I think my pulse goes down when I'm on stage.

01:51:06.000 The only time in the last 15 years I was ever like a little bit anxious was Madison Square Garden with Cher because I was worried about the sound system and the people in the back not hearing me because I heard it was a little screwy.

01:51:21.000 And my sister got a little panicky about me going on.

01:51:25.000 She goes, I can't believe you're going to go up in front of all these people.

01:51:26.000 And that kind of got into my head.

01:51:28.000 And I didn't want to look up at the banners and stuff of the Knicks and Rangers and the history and the garden and thinking Ali Frazier and Sinatra was there and the Beatles were there or whatever.

01:51:39.000 Did you lock up?

01:51:40.000 I was fine, but I mean, I did have a glass of wine, and I didn't...

01:51:45.000 I wanted the set to be over, the first one.

01:51:47.000 We did it two nights.

01:51:48.000 The second...

01:51:49.000 It's so funny how relative it is, because the next night, after the second set, we were at the Pepsi Center in Denver, which is bigger than the garden, and I thought, oh, it's good to be out of there.

01:51:59.000 I'm so relaxed.

01:52:00.000 I'm so relieved. 0.99

01:52:02.000 Just the history of the garden fucked with you? 0.99

01:52:04.000 Well, that's what it did, yeah. 0.98

01:52:05.000 I started letting it creep into my head.

01:52:07.000 You opened for Whitney Houston, too, huh?

01:52:09.000 Yeah, that was not fun.

01:52:12.000 It wasn't fun?

01:52:13.000 No.

01:52:14.000 She never talked to me.

01:52:15.000 She had bouncers around her, and they'd say a prayer.

01:52:19.000 And I thought, geez, I don't know if Jesus had 300-pound bouncers.

01:52:22.000 I think they were mostly like fishermen who were kind of thin, wafey-like.

01:52:26.000 And her father was a great guy, and he says, I'd like you to work with my daughter again.

01:52:30.000 This is really going well.

01:52:31.000 I says, well, thank you.

01:52:32.000 I'm thinking, no way.

01:52:33.000 I'm working with her again.

01:52:35.000 And she would come in late.

01:52:37.000 She was with Bobby Brown already.

01:52:39.000 One night I'm on stage for 45 minutes at the Sands. 0.67

01:52:42.000 Killing! 0.81

01:52:43.000 And I told the audience, I said, look, I gotta tell you something.

01:52:47.000 She's not here.

01:52:48.000 I don't want you to think because you're a good critic.

01:52:50.000 Because I'm from Philly.

01:52:51.000 And it was Atlantic City.

01:52:52.000 And a lot of them knew me already.

01:52:54.000 And I said, she's not here.

01:52:56.000 I don't want to leave you in the dark.

01:52:58.000 That's why I'm staying on stage.

01:52:59.000 I'm not being self-indulgent.

01:53:00.000 And they start cheering, knowing I was really doing it for them.

01:53:03.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:53:04.000 Yeah, and then she finally came.

01:53:06.000 How long did you stay on stage?

01:53:08.000 40, 50 minutes.

01:53:09.000 Oh my god.

01:53:10.000 Did you do a lot of crowd work?

01:53:12.000 No, I didn't do any.

01:53:13.000 Well, I was lucky that it was Philly, though.

01:53:14.000 I mean, if there's any place where you could do that, it's Philly.

01:53:17.000 Well, I mean, the thing is, if they were upset, you know, I would have gotten off. 0.97

01:53:22.000 I mean, the only time I had trouble with a big crowd was in Dayton, Ohio, because they really fucking hated me. 0.97

01:53:30.000 They hated me so much, they came to Cleveland to boo me. 0.97

01:53:33.000 Are you serious?

01:53:34.000 Yeah.

01:53:34.000 But they couldn't get...

01:53:35.000 I said, look, you're still here, but you still can't get good seats.

01:53:38.000 They were in the back booing me.

01:53:39.000 Really?

01:53:40.000 Yeah.

01:53:40.000 They hated you so bad they came to another place?

01:53:43.000 Here's what happened.

01:53:43.000 Well, I mean, there were probably Sheriff fans coming to see her.

01:53:46.000 And generally, her crowd was so eclectic That it was easy to do stand-up for because she doesn't get like a rock and roll crowd. 1.00

01:53:53.000 It's not like Quiet Riot or something.

01:53:55.000 It's like, you know, she's got people that, because she won Academy Awards, you've got grandmothers with their granddaughters and transvestites.

01:54:01.000 Yeah, people forget she won an Academy Award.

01:54:03.000 Yeah, and she's, you know, also an Emmy Award. 1.00

01:54:06.000 Yeah, she's a badass bitch. 1.00

01:54:07.000 Great career, yeah. 1.00

01:54:09.000 So I'm up on stage and this girl starts screaming. 1.00

01:54:12.000 And the crowd was really good.

01:54:13.000 This girl starts screaming, Cher! 1.00

01:54:16.000 Cher! 1.00

01:54:16.000 I go, you know, she'll be out in a little while. 1.00

01:54:19.000 Cher! 1.00

01:54:20.000 And then finally I lost my patient.

01:54:22.000 I go...

01:54:23.000 I said, first of all, she's not even here yet.

01:54:25.000 She hasn't even put her first eyelash on.

01:54:27.000 She's, you know, I said, there's a break.

01:54:29.000 I said, who do you think I am?

01:54:30.000 Like a friend of the owner of the building?

01:54:33.000 I said, I'm a comedian.

01:54:34.000 I got to do...

01:54:35.000 Cher! 1.00

01:54:36.000 I go, listen, you stupid son of a bitch. 1.00

01:54:38.000 You think I'm going to lift up the curtain? 1.00

01:54:41.000 She's going to come out and sing for you? 1.00

01:54:42.000 You fucking idiot. 1.00

01:54:43.000 And then I went after her, and I just started, you know, boom, one after another. 1.00

01:54:48.000 And then the crowd started booing.

01:54:50.000 And they got upset with me. 0.99

01:54:52.000 And I go, hey, I'm sorry, but she's fucking annoying. 1.00

01:54:55.000 And that was my only really bad experience. 0.97

01:54:58.000 And it's pretty tough when you lose an arena.

01:55:01.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:55:01.000 It ain't like losing 300 people at a comedy club and getting them back when you lose an arena. 0.71

01:55:06.000 Well, it's a real problem when no one wants to see you.

01:55:10.000 Then they're there to see something else.

01:55:11.000 But see, she put me on the bill, which really made it classy.

01:55:15.000 It wasn't like, you know, special guests or anything.

01:55:17.000 It was like...

01:55:19.000 Opening act.

01:55:21.000 That's what happened to Kurt Fox recently with Charlie Sheen.

01:55:24.000 Remember that?

01:55:24.000 No!

01:55:25.000 Watch the video.

01:55:26.000 They gave him a chance. 1.00

01:55:27.000 He ate dick up there. 1.00

01:55:29.000 They gave him a chance. 1.00

01:55:30.000 No, I disagree.

01:55:31.000 I watched that.

01:55:32.000 They weren't really there to see him.

01:55:35.000 They were down.

01:55:36.000 They gave him a chance.

01:55:37.000 They gave him a chance and he didn't come with any jokes.

01:55:39.000 That's not what happened in that situation.

01:55:42.000 I think Kurt himself will admit to that.

01:55:44.000 It just didn't work well.

01:55:45.000 The my god I sort of an ironic sense of humor and he's a he's got a good delivery, but I think he requires an attentive audience Yeah, but he also said on the podcast we had at death squad that when he came out that the people didn't know what to Of course expect and so he came out and just started to come in people immediately when you came out start going That's a big difference.

01:56:07.000 Yeah, well that's him being a rookie He's yeah, but these Yeah, but these people paid money to see Charlie Sheen and some dude's just sitting there talking.

01:56:13.000 That's what you were saying.

01:56:14.000 Again, that's him being a rookie.

01:56:16.000 You have to address that. 0.92

01:56:18.000 If you're hired as a comedian to go on stage in front of Charlie Sheen and no one knows what the fuck is going on, this is the first show you guys have done. 0.90

01:56:23.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:56:24.000 And that's what happened.

01:56:25.000 You've got to go on stage and you go, you've got to set him up. 0.99

01:56:28.000 I don't know what the fuck Charlie's going to do tonight. 0.99

01:56:29.000 I think there was more... 0.99

01:56:30.000 Think about how, like, Kennison would have handled that or something like that.

01:56:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:56:32.000 But it's really...

01:56:32.000 Pacing the stage, who's here to see Charlie Sheen?

01:56:36.000 I mean, it's really bad if you're not on the bill.

01:56:38.000 Yeah, it's terrible.

01:56:39.000 It's very classy.

01:56:40.000 I mean, Cher was classy, you know.

01:56:42.000 Classy.

01:56:42.000 Well, Cher, the dame had classy.

01:56:45.000 And I think there was something else that, like, they were waiting for a long time and it was really late.

01:56:50.000 Well, they were waiting for Charlie to write an act.

01:56:53.000 Yeah, I'm sure.

01:56:53.000 I'm sure there's a lot of that.

01:56:55.000 But, you know, you've got to learn how to... 0.98

01:56:57.000 If you're going to open for a guy like that, you have to have some fucking rock-solid material. 0.93

01:57:02.000 What did he think was going to happen, Joe? 0.98

01:57:04.000 What did Charlie Sheen think was going to happen?

01:57:06.000 He was going to write an act that quickly?

01:57:08.000 Well, that's what he wound up doing.

01:57:09.000 What he wound up doing is bringing comedians with him.

01:57:11.000 I know Russell Peters did a couple of them.

01:57:13.000 He did Toronto with him and a few other places, I think, as well.

01:57:15.000 And they would go up on stage and Russell would sit down with them and Charlie would interview, you know, Russell would interview Charlie and talk to him and then crack a bunch of jokes along the way. 0.99

01:57:25.000 And, you know, Russell's great at that shit. 0.99

01:57:27.000 Russell's so fucking funny. 1.00

01:57:29.000 He's a great guy, too. 0.97

01:57:30.000 Great guy.

01:57:30.000 And he's, you know, it's so funny.

01:57:32.000 Every time I sit next to an Asian person I'm talking about Asia, from Cambodia to Pakistan.

01:57:39.000 I always ask them if they know Russell Peters.

01:57:41.000 If we get into a talk, if they ask me what I do, and they all know him.

01:57:46.000 Talk about one continent to pick to watch your back, Asia. 0.97

01:57:50.000 He sold out the O2 Arena, I think it was two nights in a row, in London.

01:57:55.000 That's what he did to the UFC. He did the UFC there.

01:57:58.000 You know the coolest thing about him is that he constantly surprises me.

01:58:05.000 There's this guy named Pauly.

01:58:06.000 He's this big Twitter guy.

01:58:08.000 And he just gave him a chance.

01:58:09.000 Like, hey, why don't you come out to Arizona and you'll open up for me.

01:58:12.000 And then he did the same thing to a door guy, Jesus, over at a comedy store.

01:58:16.000 Just grabbed him and was like, hey, he was one of the guys that came to Deadmau5's studio that night.

01:58:21.000 He opened for him in Irvine.

01:58:22.000 Yeah.

01:58:22.000 He brings Mike Young on the road with him too.

01:58:24.000 Yeah, he just grabs people and he gives them chances a lot.

01:58:27.000 Like just random guys and it's really neat.

01:58:29.000 Yeah, Russell's a real good dude.

01:58:30.000 He's a real good dude.

01:58:32.000 There's a lot of good people in comedy.

01:58:34.000 It's an interesting thing about comedians and becoming friends with a bunch of them.

01:58:40.000 It's like you get the greatest people to communicate with.

01:58:44.000 Yeah.

01:59:06.000 I think he's great.

01:59:07.000 I go, what do you think?

01:59:09.000 I think I carry comedy on my back?

01:59:11.000 How dare you insult me by liking another comedian?

01:59:14.000 It'd be a lot of pressure.

01:59:15.000 Dom, you've always been a supporter of comedians.

01:59:17.000 You were always great.

01:59:19.000 You gave me great advice when I was first coming up at the store.

01:59:24.000 You always...

01:59:25.000 When someone had a good set, you would always be really complimentary and talk to them about what you really liked. 0.99

01:59:33.000 Some comedians don't do that shit. 0.99

01:59:34.000 Some comedians, they never go up to a young guy and give them props. 1.00

01:59:38.000 I mean, I love to fucking laugh. 0.98

01:59:39.000 Me too. 0.98

01:59:40.000 When you did that, Joe, your face, when you did New Rules.

01:59:45.000 Oh, and Nicole Smith, Joe?

01:59:46.000 One of the funniest.

01:59:47.000 I swear to God, your neck got longer. 0.99

01:59:50.000 That was a bit that would work and not work and Eat it and kill. 0.99

01:59:55.000 That was a bit that took a long time.

01:59:57.000 I remember coming up and telling you that because it was a new line to me. 0.99

02:00:00.000 I was fucking crying. 0.99

02:00:01.000 No rules! 1.00

02:00:03.000 The 90-year-old bit. 0.99

02:00:04.000 I worked on that bit for a fucking year. 0.93

02:00:07.000 That was one of those bits that I just kept tweaking it. 0.98

02:00:09.000 I could never get it right.

02:00:10.000 I knew there was something in this.

02:00:12.000 It's like my Dahmer-sized bit. 1.00

02:00:14.000 Shit! 1.00

02:00:16.000 Dom, you only opened up with it today. 1.00

02:00:18.000 I think you're going to be fine.

02:00:19.000 What do you got there, fella?

02:00:21.000 Oh yeah, one of the energy drinks?

02:00:22.000 Yeah, we're going to wrap this thing up soon.

02:00:24.000 It's almost two hours in.

02:00:26.000 So where are you going to be next, Dom?

02:00:27.000 I'll be at Hilarious next week, and then in two weeks I'll be, what is it, 25th, I think?

02:00:35.000 Captain Brian's, 25th, no, 26th, 27th, 28th.

02:00:39.000 And you're on Twitter, Dom Irera, I-R-E-R-R-A. On Twitter.

02:00:43.000 Joe, it was really nice meeting you.

02:00:45.000 Dom, we already knew each other.

02:00:47.000 You mean it was nice hanging out with you.

02:00:49.000 Oh, okay.

02:00:51.000 Does anybody have any more Xanax before we go?

02:00:53.000 Do you feel weird about revealing that to the world?

02:00:56.000 No, I don't care.

02:00:56.000 No?

02:00:57.000 You don't care? 1.00

02:00:58.000 I don't care what the fuck I mean. 0.99

02:01:00.000 The only reason I would like to be gay is just to come out. 0.99

02:01:06.000 Just to make the news. 1.00

02:01:09.000 Just to say you don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:01:10.000 But I mean, I'm not gay because I like women so much, but it would be like, I was thinking about it, even at this point, the way I look now, and this is what's great about show business, is that I couldn't be gay if I wanted to, because I could never get guys as good looking as the girls I could get, because guys are more superficial, but you can get girls because they like talent and money. 0.99

02:01:31.000 You know, so...

02:01:33.000 Anyway, the guy who got thrown back into the closet.

02:01:37.000 We don't need you out here.

02:01:39.000 That's funny. 0.99

02:01:40.000 I would like to be gay just so I could come out. 0.99

02:01:42.000 That'd be a great party. 0.99

02:01:44.000 It's a news thing. 0.99

02:01:46.000 Just so you can say you don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:01:47.000 Were you surprised when Kevin Meany came out? 1.00

02:01:49.000 It was like in his 50s.

02:01:50.000 Joe, there's only a certain amount of show tunes you can sing and not be gay. 1.00

02:01:58.000 I was surprised with Todd Glass. 0.72

02:02:00.000 I didn't see that coming.

02:02:01.000 I was as well.

02:02:02.000 You weren't surprised?

02:02:03.000 No, but I have a thing on my phone of Todd Glass talking to me that I'll let you hear afterwards.

02:02:08.000 Was he drunk?

02:02:10.000 No, no, no.

02:02:11.000 I offended him and he called to reconcile it. 0.99

02:02:15.000 The Florida radio station called me to bust his balls. 0.98

02:02:18.000 And I didn't realize what I was saying was, and I like Todd. 0.99

02:02:21.000 I really would never want to hurt him.

02:02:23.000 But I was saying, he says, you never thought I was funny, did you?

02:02:26.000 I said, Todd, I always thought you were funny.

02:02:28.000 I mean, not like laugh out loud funny, but, you know, amusing.

02:02:32.000 Like, you're never going to go and see a Todd glass and go, my stomach hurts.

02:02:36.000 But, you know, you were funny.

02:02:37.000 I mean, you're like the Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday headliner, you know?

02:02:41.000 And I didn't know it, but that's what he was doing that weekend.

02:02:44.000 Oh.

02:02:44.000 And I was crushing him.

02:02:46.000 He's a very sensitive guy, and if he hears this, I love him.

02:02:50.000 But, yeah, I was just joking around, and I didn't know I was hitting on some sore points, you know?

02:02:55.000 Todd Glass called me up after them and see a thing.

02:02:58.000 Somehow or another, we got on the phone together.

02:03:00.000 And he was one of, like, you know, a lot of comedians were happy after that went down.

02:03:04.000 But Todd and I really didn't know each other very well.

02:03:06.000 And he was so enthusiastic and happy.

02:03:10.000 And he just said, thank you.

02:03:13.000 Thank you.

02:03:13.000 Just thank you for doing this.

02:03:15.000 Then he dropped to his knees and started sucking his heart. 0.96

02:03:17.000 No, I'm glad now, in retrospect, that I didn't give him a big, long hug. 0.99

02:03:23.000 Both of my parents are retarded, by the way. 1.00

02:03:25.000 Let him go crazy. 1.00

02:03:26.000 Both of my parents are gay. 1.00

02:03:27.000 How dare he? 1.00

02:03:28.000 They're gay retards. 1.00

02:03:30.000 But, you know, there was a few people that were fascinated by it, but he was, like, super thankful. 1.00

02:03:35.000 And I talked to, you know, Kindler and I briefly said, you know, we're like, maybe there should be some sort of a fucking comedian's union. 0.61

02:03:43.000 You know, should there be a union or something? 0.97

02:03:44.000 They tried it.

02:03:46.000 They tried it in New York.

02:03:48.000 But that was about pay at the clubs, right?

02:03:51.000 Is that what it was about?

02:03:52.000 No, no.

02:03:52.000 It was past that.

02:03:53.000 It was about health insurance and trying to unionize.

02:03:57.000 But it's tough when everybody's in competition with each other for jobs.

02:04:01.000 I think the only place it would work is when you have to get rid of thieves.

02:04:06.000 That is when having comedians together...

02:04:09.000 People don't understand the issue behind thievery, and that's why there was a lot of people that thought that what I did was really douchey when we released that Carlos video.

02:04:18.000 But when you have someone who is being unchecked and they're doing well...

02:04:22.000 And they're just running through the comedy world.

02:04:24.000 People don't understand what that's like. 0.97

02:04:26.000 It's like you're working with someone who just might steal your car and no one else that you work with is going to do shit about it. 0.67

02:04:32.000 The guy's just going to steal your car. 0.70

02:04:33.000 I mean, really, that's what it's like.

02:04:35.000 A joke is actually worth more than a car. 0.99

02:04:37.000 Fucking jokes are hard. 0.99

02:04:38.000 Hey, how about this? 1.00

02:04:39.000 As you can tell by your Bob Hope joke.

02:04:41.000 We're at the Jerry's Deli today eating lunch and a chick came over and quoted one of your jokes. 1.00

02:04:46.000 I mean, think about that joke. 0.98

02:04:47.000 That's a fucking 15, 20-year-old joke, right? 0.98

02:04:50.000 I mean, think about how much that's worth. 0.99

02:04:51.000 That's worth more than a car. 0.86

02:04:53.000 So somebody could just gank that. 0.88

02:04:54.000 That's awesome.

02:04:54.000 That happened?

02:04:55.000 Yes, what we were eating.

02:04:56.000 So someone could just gank that.

02:04:58.000 They could just steal that right in front of you.

02:05:01.000 And we had a real problem. 1.00

02:05:03.000 We've had a problem with a couple of guys at the store when you watch that shit happen. 1.00

02:05:07.000 And we've all seen it happen. 0.99

02:05:10.000 You know, several times throughout our career, a guy who comes along is just a fucking buccaneer who's just grabbing him from all over the place. 0.98

02:05:17.000 And nobody wants to do anything about him. 0.86

02:05:20.000 That's the time where I think something like a comedy union would help. 1.00

02:05:23.000 You know, we could all get together and just all of us unanimously say, ladies and gentlemen of the audience, you people out there that pay to see stand-up comedy, this guy's a fucking thief. 1.00

02:05:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:05:34.000 And this is just what it is. 1.00

02:05:36.000 Signed, Dom Irera, Tim Allen, blah, blah, blah, you know.

02:05:39.000 Why did I say Tim Allen?

02:05:40.000 I don't know.

02:05:41.000 I never hang up with that guy.

02:05:43.000 That's an obscure reference to pull out of all the people.

02:05:46.000 I never even heard you mention Tim Allen.

02:05:48.000 I never have.

02:05:50.000 I met him once.

02:05:50.000 He was a nice guy.

02:05:51.000 Yeah, you're a very nice guy.

02:05:52.000 Went on stage at the comic store.

02:05:53.000 I was doing a joke about his Ferrari breaking down.

02:05:55.000 Yeah, I know.

02:05:56.000 That's something everybody can relate to, huh?

02:05:58.000 Yeah.

02:05:59.000 It pissed me off because I had to drive my Maserati that day.

02:06:02.000 And I hate that.

02:06:04.000 He was sticking it in your face, Dom.

02:06:07.000 Dom had a Cadillac once where he put a vinyl roof on it.

02:06:11.000 You know, when you get one of those nice, smushy roofs.

02:06:13.000 It might have been one of the last ones made in America.

02:06:16.000 Like, you had the Cadillac, and then you had the roof put on.

02:06:18.000 I remember, you were like, Joe, I think I'm going to get a nice soft roof on that.

02:06:20.000 Did I really?

02:06:21.000 You don't remember?

02:06:22.000 No. 0.99

02:06:24.000 It's such a fucking awesome guinea move. 0.99

02:06:26.000 And I embrace so many things guinea that I thought it was hilarious that you were doing that. 0.93

02:06:32.000 I was like, yeah, yeah, go for it.

02:06:33.000 I want to get a pinky ring too. 1.00

02:06:35.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:06:36.000 I'll goomba it up a little. 1.00

02:06:38.000 We're trying to out-goomba each other. 0.97

02:06:40.000 And you went and you got it done.

02:06:41.000 You had a nice Cadillac.

02:06:43.000 And you had the back end.

02:06:44.000 You had a nice vinyl roof put on.

02:06:46.000 You're like, what do you think?

02:06:47.000 It just looks classier.

02:06:48.000 Remember when cars had those bras in the front that used to be really big? 1.00

02:06:52.000 I used to have them on my Supra.

02:06:54.000 I used that really cool Supra leather bra.

02:06:56.000 A friend of mine had a Mazda RX-7. 0.98

02:06:59.000 One of the fucking cool years. 1.00

02:07:02.000 With the flip-up headlights and shit. 1.00

02:07:04.000 And he had a bra on it. 1.00

02:07:04.000 I was like, that might be the dopest car of all time. 1.00

02:07:07.000 Mazda had a hell of a car in that RX-7.

02:07:09.000 One of the last models.

02:07:11.000 Right around the time where Acura came out with the NSX. And Toyota came out with the Supra.

02:07:16.000 You're not into cars.

02:07:17.000 John Marrera doesn't even have a navigation system.

02:07:20.000 How about that?

02:07:21.000 Well, I tell John...

02:07:21.000 Because I wouldn't be able to figure it out anyway.

02:07:24.000 You're burring it up. 0.99

02:07:26.000 That's so ridiculous. 0.99

02:07:26.000 Burring has a Prius. 0.99

02:07:28.000 He has a navigation system.

02:07:29.000 Oh, now I do.

02:07:29.000 Then he used to.

02:07:30.000 I don't have cars like you have.

02:07:32.000 I mean, my God, they're incredible. 0.99

02:07:34.000 You fucking terrorized me with driving around you. 0.99

02:07:37.000 You go from point A to point B in 60 miles. 1.00

02:07:40.000 It scares me.

02:07:41.000 Unbelievable.

02:07:42.000 And I was getting like G's from getting thrown back, but I tried to act normal.

02:07:46.000 My head's hitting the thing.

02:07:47.000 But the most cathartic thing about this whole experience was I finally got to tell you I was afraid of the pit bulls.

02:07:54.000 Because, I mean, I told you.

02:07:56.000 Without reason.

02:07:57.000 I never wanted you to think, and I never had the heart to tell you that I didn't want to come to your house.

02:08:02.000 It's all right.

02:08:03.000 I'm not a pushy person.

02:08:05.000 No, but I mean, you know, it was always like, you're coming into Hollywood shooting pool with me there. 0.99

02:08:09.000 It was nice to get that off my chest, just to finally admit it, that even that day we were shooting, and those dogs were just walking around, just solid muscle and teeth, fucking jaws of death. 0.99

02:08:20.000 They're sweeties. 0.99

02:08:21.000 I believe that, but there's always that one time.

02:08:23.000 Yep, I know what you mean.

02:08:24.000 Well, wait till you meet Johnny Cash.

02:08:26.000 Johnny Cash is my Mastiff.

02:08:27.000 He's a sweetheart.

02:08:28.000 Oh, he's outside?

02:08:29.000 Yeah, he's a nice dog.

02:08:30.000 He's way bigger than the pit bulls, though.

02:08:31.000 Maybe I'll meet him another time. 1.00

02:08:33.000 He's fucking huge. 1.00

02:08:34.000 That's a big dog. 1.00

02:08:35.000 I'll meet him another time. 0.99

02:08:35.000 He's so strong, it's ridiculous. 0.99

02:08:37.000 I've never had a dog that's as strong as him. 0.76

02:08:39.000 It's a dog where if he lunges for something, I've got to drop down and dig in with both my feet and hang on like it's a horse.

02:08:48.000 See, here's the problem.

02:08:49.000 He's going to know I'm afraid of him.

02:08:50.000 No, he's a sweetheart.

02:08:51.000 No, but he knows.

02:08:52.000 They sense it.

02:08:53.000 Yeah, but trust me, he's a nice dog.

02:08:55.000 The thing about Mastiffs is they're very confident because they're not worried about you at all. 0.99

02:09:01.000 Mastiffs are never worried about a person beating their ass. 1.00

02:09:03.000 Christy had Mastiffs. 0.99

02:09:05.000 Because they're so confident, they're so big and so strong, they're very nice.

02:09:10.000 They're not insecure.

02:09:11.000 There's certain dogs that feel like they have to establish dominance over a person or scare a person.

02:09:16.000 Mastiffs, they're not like that. 1.00

02:09:18.000 If they're barking at you, it's real. 0.99

02:09:20.000 If a mastiff is angry at you and barking, you better realize you got a fucking real problem. 0.98

02:09:26.000 Because a dog that's that big, you're talking about a 150 to 200 pound dog. 1.00

02:09:30.000 Do you know how strong that fucking thing is? 1.00

02:09:33.000 And you let those dogs in with the kids? 1.00

02:09:34.000 Of course.

02:09:35.000 They play with the kids.

02:09:37.000 You have to have them around kids.

02:09:39.000 If you can't trust a dog around kids, you can't have that dog.

02:09:42.000 My dogs exhibit no aggression at all.

02:09:45.000 You have two masters?

02:09:46.000 No, the other one's a bulldog mix.

02:09:48.000 He's a very lazy dog, but he's a sweetheart too.

02:09:51.000 They're both real nice dogs, man.

02:09:53.000 Joe, do you know anything about the Honda CR-Z? Is that that hybrid thing?

02:09:58.000 The hybrid?

02:09:58.000 I saw one the other day.

02:09:59.000 And it was amazing.

02:10:01.000 It looked like a spaceship.

02:10:02.000 Have you seen what they're doing now in a car?

02:10:04.000 They're putting Stitcher in a gang of cars.

02:10:06.000 It's going to be in BMWs now?

02:10:08.000 Yeah, BMWs.

02:10:09.000 It's Ford.

02:10:10.000 It's all the big guys.

02:10:11.000 And now they also have 3Gs on here.

02:10:13.000 And like I said the other day, this new iPad has the 4G Lite on it, Verizon.

02:10:17.000 It's faster than my business class charter at my studio.

02:10:21.000 That's incredible.

02:10:22.000 I've got a 4G card that I put in my laptop.

02:10:25.000 I'm pretty happy with it when you actually get a 4G connection.

02:10:27.000 On the road, it's a little sketchy, though. 0.99

02:10:29.000 But it's always better than the shit that's in the hotel rooms. 1.00

02:10:32.000 If you've seen... 1.00

02:10:33.000 Well, first of all, let's talk about that fucking virus that we both thought we got. 0.98

02:10:37.000 If you don't know, it's the flashback virus. 0.98

02:10:39.000 If you're using a Mac and you think that you can't get a Trojan, it's not really a virus.

02:10:43.000 It's a Trojan.

02:10:44.000 It's an exploit through Java.

02:10:47.000 And I guess it only works if you don't have your Java updated to the latest and greatest. 0.97

02:10:52.000 Yeah, if you're one of those people that keep your shit updated, you're really not going to have to worry about it. 0.96

02:10:57.000 I wouldn't say that, though. 0.98

02:10:58.000 I wouldn't say that.

02:10:59.000 Also, it's only if you go to some really sketchy websites.

02:11:03.000 Which we do.

02:11:04.000 The more I read about it.

02:11:05.000 And also there's a way to test it to see if you have it.

02:11:07.000 And I tested mine. 0.99

02:11:08.000 And I go to the filthiest fucking places in the world and I didn't have it. 0.98

02:11:12.000 I mean, I look at torrent websites. 0.98

02:11:14.000 What do you have to do to test?

02:11:15.000 You open up Terminal and you have to cut and paste a couple different lines of code in it.

02:11:19.000 The easiest way to actually figure it out, if you go to 925.com...

02:11:26.000 Mac9to5.com.

02:11:26.000 What is that website, right?

02:11:29.000 Anyways, if you just Google MacVirus, it will come up with a couple pages, and there's links to the code that you cut and paste into your browser.

02:11:38.000 Okay.

02:11:39.000 And it's 9to5mac.com is the one that I saw it on.

02:11:43.000 And it's pretty much, you just type in these codes, and it tells you what to look for and what not to look for to tell you if you have it.

02:11:50.000 But, you know, honestly, the only thing you really have to do is just open up your little app on the left-hand corner, hit it, and then go to System Update.

02:11:58.000 And there's a Java update in that that will patch it.

02:12:03.000 And if it's not in there already, I mean, check to make sure you have it.

02:12:05.000 Then you must have already done it.

02:12:06.000 Some people say you shouldn't have Java on your browser.

02:12:09.000 You shouldn't enable Java.

02:12:10.000 The problem is, when you first get your laptop, when you first get your Mac, that's one of the first things that comes up.

02:12:19.000 It's like, would you like to install Java?

02:12:21.000 It's not a part of the operating system.

02:12:23.000 It's not a part of Windows.

02:12:24.000 It's a third-party thing that you add to your browsers, pretty much.

02:12:29.000 So it's a plug-in.

02:12:30.000 Like, I just had it turned off on this laptop over here, and I tried to go to that Honda website, and it didn't work.

02:12:35.000 The Honda website didn't work because I didn't have Java enabled.

02:12:38.000 So I enabled it, and now it works.

02:12:40.000 I checked, though, this laptop and this iMac.

02:12:43.000 You updated it last night, so everything's cool.

02:12:46.000 And if you go to 9to5mac.com and you look at the map that who's infected, there is a lot of people infected, but we're talking about worldwide.

02:12:58.000 World.

02:13:00.000 Didn't Don Barris say that he had someone hacked into his computer?

02:13:05.000 Don Barris had a meltdown last night on stage because he had his Facebook hacked and his Gmail hacked. 0.86

02:13:11.000 So then he went in there and changed all the shit and then they hacked it again and He pretty much on stage was like, you know what I give up. 0.90

02:13:20.000 I I'm not putting my I'm not doing that any more podcast anymore I'm not I'm done with this ding-dong shit like it really freaked him out that people are Why is it that easy to freak him out? 0.96

02:13:29.000 Dom, you got a Xanax for him? 0.93

02:13:30.000 Well, it's the point that, I mean, like we were talking about this the other day, if a girlfriend finds your cell phone and looks through your cell phone, that's scary sometimes. 1.00

02:13:40.000 Like, you don't know what you fucking say to your friends, or like, you know, like, dude, you see that chick's tits? 1.00

02:13:44.000 Come over and suck my cock! 1.00

02:13:46.000 Just kidding, lol. 1.00

02:13:47.000 Maybe not.

02:13:49.000 Yeah.

02:13:50.000 LOL. It's like if I ever die and my parents find my fucking laptop and they have to go through it and sort things, that's the most scariest shit ever. 0.99

02:13:58.000 My mom's going to be like, what's wrong with Brian? 0.98

02:14:00.000 And then I can't be like, Mom, no, I downloaded those for Photoshop so I could put Joe's face on it and it sent it on his message board.

02:14:06.000 You know what I mean?

02:14:07.000 It's joke pictures. 0.99

02:14:09.000 Not really into black dicks. 1.00

02:14:10.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

02:14:11.000 I think of that when I'm jerking off on the couch and there's porns left out. 1.00

02:14:14.000 If I died, who would walk in and see how perverted they are? 1.00

02:14:18.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:14:20.000 So now imagine the whole internet being able to do that to your computer.

02:14:24.000 Not your mom. 1.00

02:14:25.000 Not your fucking girlfriend looking at your phone. 1.00

02:14:28.000 Now imagine the whole internet being able to access your computer. 1.00

02:14:30.000 That's fucking terrifying. 0.99

02:14:32.000 Don't you think? 1.00

02:14:33.000 It is terrifying.

02:14:34.000 It terrifies me.

02:14:35.000 It's going to happen...

02:14:35.000 I really think that what we talked about with Everlast the other day, where secrets are on the way out.

02:14:41.000 At a certain point in time, everything you do online, someone's going to be able to read it.

02:14:45.000 Oh, yeah.

02:14:45.000 Someone's going to be able to listen to your phone calls.

02:14:48.000 They're going to be able to access...

02:14:49.000 That's what I said last night.

02:14:50.000 I was like, Joe, you know there's at least seven people in New Zealand right now listening to this phone call that are ahead of us in technology.

02:14:57.000 It's probably boring.

02:14:58.000 Look at Tiger Woods, a great example.

02:15:00.000 When I was a kid, baseball players, they all cheated on their wives. 1.00

02:15:03.000 But even the sportswriters knew it.

02:15:05.000 They didn't rat them out.

02:15:07.000 But today's world, you know, they trace down everything.

02:15:11.000 Yeah.

02:15:11.000 You know, and he wouldn't even have been in trouble 25 years ago.

02:15:14.000 Well, look at what Michael Jordan probably did, you know, double that.

02:15:18.000 I mean, Michael Jordan in his prime.

02:15:19.000 Oh, he did, yeah. 1.00

02:15:20.000 Goddamn tornadoes. 1.00

02:15:22.000 I'm sure he did. 1.00

02:15:22.000 Sweeping white women through the air like semis. 1.00

02:15:25.000 Did you see that video footage of Dallas? 1.00

02:15:27.000 The fucking tornado hitting Dallas and semis were flying through the air. 1.00

02:15:31.000 Like paper, Dom. 1.00

02:15:32.000 18-wheelers.

02:15:33.000 Full 18-wheelers.

02:15:35.000 30, 40, 50 feet in the air just spinning in circles. 1.00

02:15:38.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.99

02:15:39.000 Yeah, it's crazy. 1.00

02:15:40.000 It's really weird to watch, man. 0.97

02:15:42.000 I would highly recommend, though, this is something that I'm personally going to start doing, is to take your fucking computer and empty it all out onto external hard drives and then unplug those external hard drives from your computer and only use them when you need to. 0.96

02:15:55.000 Or make him... 0.98

02:15:56.000 Jesus, that's a lot of work.

02:15:58.000 Yeah, but, I mean, it only takes... 0.99

02:15:59.000 Like, if people are hacking Macs and people are doing this shit, nowadays with, like, WikiLeaks and all this fucking crazy shit, if you really want to fucking protect yourself... 0.97

02:16:08.000 WikiLeaks? 0.99

02:16:08.000 What are you, the government? 0.99

02:16:09.000 Well, I mean...

02:16:11.000 I think hackers are way above what we know that they are.

02:16:16.000 You know, I think people are downloading fucking large amounts of information about anyone. 0.92

02:16:20.000 I think there's fucking message boards that people probably go, alright, who should we look at their computer today? 0.97

02:16:25.000 Oh, let's go to see Steven Seagal's. 0.98

02:16:27.000 Well, have you seen this new thing on the cover of Wired, this month's Wired, about the NSA? Building the most incredible security spying computer system ever where they're going to be able to literally keep a data record of every phone call you make, every text you send, every phone call that gets in and out.

02:16:47.000 Sounds like a sting song.

02:16:49.000 I mean, could you just stop and imagine that?

02:16:52.000 The ability to record every single phone call that gets made throughout the entire country all the time.

02:16:58.000 Well, doesn't, like, when we, on Dell, is it Dell?

02:17:02.000 There's this big computer somewhere that has all this information on it for years, and then finally it gets thrown out.

02:17:08.000 Like, everything we did, everything we did on the computer is stored somewhere.

02:17:12.000 Yeah?

02:17:13.000 That's what I've heard.

02:17:14.000 Pfft! 0.63

02:17:15.000 I have no backup for that.

02:17:17.000 I was hoping you guys would agree with me.

02:17:19.000 Are you looking at new cars, Brian?

02:17:19.000 You're getting so bored with this podcast?

02:17:21.000 No, no, no.

02:17:21.000 Oh, by the way, now I'm doing Cleveland.

02:17:23.000 I'm not saying it's long.

02:17:24.000 I'm doing Cleveland this week.

02:17:26.000 Oh, this week.

02:17:27.000 No, I'm kidding.

02:17:28.000 I think they're cheap, too.

02:17:29.000 I'm not saying it's long.

02:17:30.000 I get it.

02:17:30.000 That was a joke.

02:17:31.000 Yeah.

02:17:32.000 Dom.

02:17:33.000 Joe.

02:17:34.000 Come on.

02:17:34.000 Love you.

02:17:35.000 Love you, buddy.

02:17:35.000 Right back at you, big boy.

02:17:37.000 This guy's fucking buying cars online over here. 0.99

02:17:39.000 I'm going to price it. 0.99

02:17:41.000 No, I just wanted to know how much I saw today and it really was cool.

02:17:44.000 Impulsive little child.

02:17:46.000 Can't stay off a website. 1.00

02:17:47.000 I'm trying to keep this goddamn podcast together. 0.99

02:17:49.000 This guy's on Xanax. 1.00

02:17:50.000 You're on marijuana.

02:17:52.000 I'm on marijuana.

02:17:54.000 And coconut water.

02:17:55.000 It is delicious, by the way.

02:17:57.000 It is, right?

02:17:58.000 Isn't it?

02:17:58.000 Is this one of your sponsors?

02:18:00.000 No, not really.

02:18:01.000 They're our friends, though.

02:18:01.000 C2O is the best.

02:18:02.000 The reason why C2O coconut water is so delicious is because it comes from Thailand, and they have a very specific, like, it's a small boutique company, a very specific type of coconut.

02:18:14.000 It's a small tree, too, apparently.

02:18:15.000 Joe, can you go over your sponsors with me one more time?

02:18:18.000 Yes, I can.

02:18:19.000 But before that, I will tell you, Atlanta, 420, the tabernacle. 1.00

02:18:23.000 I'm recording my fucking special, bitches. 1.00

02:18:25.000 First show, sold out. 1.00

02:18:27.000 Is it really?

02:18:28.000 Yeah, second show, almost sold out.

02:18:30.000 Cool.

02:18:30.000 Good luck with that.

02:18:31.000 Well, there's a couple hundred seats.

02:18:32.000 I'm not going to lie to you.

02:18:33.000 There's a couple hundred seats left.

02:18:34.000 It's a huge place, but there's plenty of tickets.

02:18:37.000 Go get them.

02:18:38.000 Jump on it.

02:18:39.000 Go see Joe.

02:18:40.000 He's terrific live. 0.99

02:18:41.000 It's the best shit I've ever done. 0.99

02:18:42.000 You know how good I am with numbers? 0.99

02:18:43.000 It's amazing.

02:18:44.000 Like, for instance, Cleveland Hilarities, their number.

02:18:46.000 Right.

02:18:47.000 In my head, 216-736-4242. 1.00

02:18:49.000 You had it written down, you motherfucker. 1.00

02:18:50.000 No, I didn't. 1.00

02:18:51.000 I didn't.

02:18:52.000 I wasn't looking.

02:18:52.000 I was depressed.

02:18:53.000 I'm looking at your paper. 1.00

02:18:55.000 You lied to me, you bastard. 1.00

02:18:56.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

02:18:57.000 Smart as a whip. 1.00

02:18:58.000 You can sneak a plug in, Dom.

02:19:00.000 What exact days are you there?

02:19:02.000 Next Wednesday, the 12th?

02:19:04.000 Meanwhile, he gave out the phone number. 0.99

02:19:05.000 Where's the goddamn website? 0.99

02:19:07.000 This is 2012. What's on my website? 0.99

02:19:09.000 What is their website?

02:19:11.000 Oh, hilarities?

02:19:12.000 I don't know.

02:19:13.000 But I know mine, domerera.com.

02:19:16.000 Domerera.

02:19:16.000 I-R-E-R-R-A. I-R-R-E-R-A. R-R-E-R-R-A. And I'll be with Joey Diaz May 17th in Columbus, Ohio.

02:19:26.000 May 18th in Cleveland.

02:19:27.000 May 19th in Pittsburgh.

02:19:29.000 If you go to desktop.com.

02:19:30.000 I-R-R-E-R-R-A. There's two R's at the beginning. 1.00

02:19:32.000 No, two at the beginning, yeah.

02:19:33.000 I-R-R-E-R-A. I-R-R-E-R-A. I-R-R-E-R-A. That's it. 0.97

02:19:39.000 Next week, Florida.

02:19:40.000 Improv.

02:19:41.000 April...

02:19:42.000 What is it?

02:19:43.000 13th?

02:19:43.000 Which one, Joe?

02:19:45.000 Fort Lauderdale.

02:19:45.000 Oh, I love that club.

02:19:46.000 Yeah, it's great.

02:19:47.000 I'll be there in September.

02:19:48.000 I'm tightening up for this Tabernacle show, which is the following week.

02:19:53.000 So I'm two weeks out.

02:19:54.000 So next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday...

02:19:57.000 Stop that, Ryan.

02:19:58.000 Next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I'll be in Fort Lauderdale with Duncan Trussell.

02:20:02.000 And that's the power push up until the final week.

02:20:07.000 And that would be the week of the 20th.

02:20:09.000 April 20th, Atlanta, at the Tabernacle.

02:20:12.000 I'm going to film it.

02:20:14.000 Edit it.

02:20:15.000 Release it all online myself.

02:20:17.000 Oh, man.

02:20:18.000 Got a whole new website coming.

02:20:20.000 I'm ready to rock and roll with this thing.

02:20:22.000 I'm very excited. 0.99

02:20:22.000 It's the best shit I've ever done, too. 0.99

02:20:23.000 And I could have done a special about a year ago. 0.97

02:20:25.000 So this is, I think, is my best stuff ever because it's real tight.

02:20:29.000 And it's been more than two years since my last one.

02:20:32.000 So I'm coming out. 0.99

02:20:33.000 Guns blazes, bitches. 1.00

02:20:35.000 So check us in the Fort Lauderdale Improv. 0.99

02:20:37.000 That's next week.

02:20:38.000 The 13th, 14th, and 15th.

02:20:40.000 Me and Duncan Trussell.

02:20:41.000 And then the week after that, The Tabernacle in Atlanta.

02:20:44.000 JoeRogan.net for more details.

02:20:45.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast.

02:20:48.000 Please go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight.

02:20:52.000 Enter in the code name ROGAN and you can get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:20:57.000 Brian, podcast, Friday.

02:20:59.000 Yes, Ice House.

02:21:00.000 We've got Doug Benson, Freddie Lockhart, Jason Tebow, Joey Diaz.

02:21:05.000 A show at the Ice House with Doug Benson, Joe Diaz, Jason Tebow, me.

02:21:10.000 Joey Diaz.

02:21:11.000 Joey Diaz.

02:21:12.000 I said that, didn't I? Freddie Lockhart, Jason Tebow.

02:21:14.000 Did I say Joey Diaz?

02:21:15.000 Doug Benson.

02:21:16.000 Doug Benson?

02:21:16.000 I might have said it.

02:21:17.000 Look, it's going to be a hell of a goddamn show. 0.99

02:21:19.000 And it sells out quick because it's only 85 seats. 0.98

02:21:21.000 Oh, Iko Tanaka is awesome.

02:21:22.000 Oh, are you doing the other room?

02:21:24.000 When are we going to do that other room again?

02:21:25.000 That was fun.

02:21:27.000 Oh, the main room?

02:21:28.000 Yeah.

02:21:28.000 We'll try to do that again.

02:21:29.000 That's hard to get, though.

02:21:29.000 Yeah, that was good.

02:21:30.000 We've got to get that shit. 0.99

02:21:31.000 We'll book it in advance. 1.00

02:21:32.000 What's hard to get?

02:21:33.000 Last minute main room at Ice House. 0.99

02:21:35.000 Yeah, they booked that shit in advance. 0.99

02:21:37.000 You do the Ice House, right? 1.00

02:21:38.000 Yeah, it's a great club.

02:21:40.000 I love that club.

02:21:41.000 We do the podcast there, often, on a regular basis.

02:21:45.000 You were there, Dom.

02:21:46.000 I wasn't.

02:21:47.000 I'd like to stop in when you're there, man.

02:21:49.000 Come on down, sir! 0.68

02:21:50.000 Are you there Friday?

02:21:50.000 What are you doing this Friday?

02:21:51.000 Friday, I... No, I already got two spots Friday.

02:21:54.000 Where?

02:21:55.000 What time?

02:21:55.000 Laugh Factory and the store.

02:21:57.000 What time are your spots?

02:21:59.000 10 and 11 something.

02:22:02.000 Oh, wow.

02:22:03.000 Throwing you up late.

02:22:04.000 Well, no, I put in for late so I could watch the games.

02:22:07.000 Sleep in?

02:22:07.000 Yeah, sleep in till 9. All right, so that's it.

02:22:11.000 My cousin John Wagner, they're doing a scholarship thing for him in Philly on the 21st of April.

02:22:17.000 So look on my Twitter and I'll post it.

02:22:19.000 Your tweeter?

02:22:20.000 Your Twitter.

02:22:21.000 Twitter.

02:22:21.000 I-R-R-E-R-A. I'm so fucking retarded.

02:22:25.000 Dom, I rarely just shut up. 1.00

02:22:27.000 Thanks to Onnit.com.

02:22:29.000 O-N-N-I-T. Go check out Alpha Brain, New Mood, Troom Tech Sport, Troom Tech Immune, and go get yourself some money off by using the code name ROGAN. You'll save yourself 10% off all orders.

02:22:40.000 All right, you dirty freaks. 0.99

02:22:40.000 We'll see you tomorrow with Jim Jeffries. 0.99

02:22:44.000 I love Jim Jeffries.

02:22:45.000 Yeah, me too.

02:22:45.000 We'll be starting around 5 p.m.

02:22:47.000 Pacific Coast time because Jim has a show out this away.

02:22:52.000 He's going to be at the Canyon Club tomorrow night.

02:22:54.000 If you don't know and you live in Agoura Hills, go check out one of the top stand-ups in the country right now, Jim Jeffries, the Australian lad, and he's going to be here tomorrow.

02:23:05.000 He'll tell you all about it.

02:23:06.000 So don't miss tomorrow.

02:23:08.000 We love you, and we'll see you soon.

02:23:11.000 Bye bye now.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 05, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #202 - Dom Irrera

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