Joe Rogan Experience #2030 - Protect Our Parks 9
Episode Stats
Length
5 hours and 4 minutes
Words per Minute
186.95033
Summary
On this episode of The Joe Rogan Experience, the boys talk about their weekends and the crazy things they've been up to in the past week. They also talk about the new movie "American Gladiators" and some other things that have been going on in the world. Joe also talks about his recent trip to Las Vegas and how much he's been enjoying it. And of course, there's a little bit of everything in between. Enjoy the episode and don't forget to subscribe on your favorite streaming platform so you don't miss out on any new episodes! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE and leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe, Like, and Share! It helps spread the word to the Internets! Cheers, Joe and the Crew! XOXO. -The Joe Rogans Podcast -Joe Rogans Experience, by Day, by Night, All Day, All Night, By Night - All Day. (feat. The Crew) - by Night. Also, thank you for all the love and support! -Jonah Rogan Podcast - By Night, all day. Thank you, Jonah and the crew. . Jonah & the Crew - Thank you for the love & support and support of the podcast. by Jonah's Podcasts Podcast by: and the team at The J. Rogan Project - by the J.R. & the crew at the J-Rogan Experience by The J&RJODA Project by the Crew at J& the J&J Project. and The Crew at The R&B Project & The J-A.P. Crew in honor of the J & R.B. in this episode we are , by Mr. R.J. & the J/R. Thank you J& R. Podcast, by the Podcast by the R&R Project, , and the JOGAN PODCAST, by , J. , The J & A.A. & The Crew, by The Crew by D. & THE BOYS - by J. & J. B. P.
Transcript
00:00:06.000
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
00:00:36.000
I've only seen them after the Vulcan shows, but this was like the first time I saw them like their own show.
00:00:43.000
Uncle Lazer got on and fucking played the harmonica.
00:00:51.000
A lot of guys who do coke also are good at harmonica.
00:01:03.000
But I had, like, one heart-to-heart with him, and he pulled me aside.
00:01:07.000
He was like, brother, let me ask you something.
00:01:20.000
It's funny, too, because my uncle is named Uncle Lazer.
00:01:24.000
Every time I hear that name, I'm like, Uncle Lazer.
00:01:36.000
Bro, did you guys hear the story about those American gladiators?
00:01:45.000
The Holocaust is the ultimate, uh, obstacle course.
00:01:50.000
Jamie, were you the one who told me about it, Jamie?
00:02:06.000
Those American Gladiators, bro, that's like pro wrestling.
00:02:11.000
That's like you're crashing into people and stuff.
00:02:17.000
You're taking steroids and you're just spearing strangers.
00:02:37.000
Yeah, one of those broke, and I went in the guy's back and said he needed 75 stitches.
00:02:51.000
Like, to be really good at that, you gotta be a fucking athlete.
00:02:58.000
Yeah, they could just hold themselves up forever.
00:03:02.000
When we did, like, these guys had to hang from a pole over some water.
00:03:13.000
They say hanging is, like, really good for you just to hang.
00:03:21.000
I do that every day, and then I also have this thing that I do where I hinge from my waist.
00:03:26.000
Yeah, but you don't go upside down from your ankles.
00:03:28.000
The same company makes it, but I prefer this one because all the weight is literally from your waist forward.
00:03:34.000
You're not holding any weight in your legs, which I think makes you more tense, and you might tense your back up.
00:03:51.000
You also do, like, back extension exercises on it, but just to hang there, I hang there in the mornings.
00:03:57.000
Yeah, I get in there and just, I feel everything go pop, pop, pop, pop.
00:04:00.000
You ever put the wife in there and really give it to her?
00:04:25.000
Jumping jacks is when I knew we were going to lose the war in Iraq.
00:04:29.000
You ever see those videos of those guys teaching the Iraqi military?
00:04:32.000
They're like, alright, we're gonna do physical fitness.
00:04:39.000
So we had our guys training them, and they would try to do jumping jacks, and it was like...
00:04:50.000
Did you guys ever see those videos of like kids in the 1960s in high school doing physical fitness?
00:04:57.000
Everybody's like ripped and they're all doing chin-ups.
00:05:10.000
Well, there's a lot of preservatives in the food.
00:05:19.000
The secret knowledge of jumping jacks has been...
00:05:29.000
It's like when the black comic brings the white guy on the dance.
00:05:40.000
It's like they're doing the YMCA. It does look like that!
00:05:50.000
I'm all about Al-Aqbar, but these jumping jacks are too much.
00:06:05.000
These are fucking young boys in 1962. Well, they were scared of the race war.
00:06:42.000
I bet none of them sang a song anybody wanted to listen to.
00:06:55.000
If you look at, there's a woman who wrote this book called Countdown.
00:07:07.000
When you exposure to phthalates, like it's a type of...
00:07:12.000
It's a chemical that's in plastics and some other things.
00:07:15.000
It disrupts your endocrine system and it fucks up with mammals.
00:07:22.000
It makes their dick smaller, makes their balls smaller.
00:07:29.000
These are like studies they've done in mammals.
00:07:34.000
To determine male or female in young mammals is the male's taint is 50 to 100% larger.
00:07:40.000
So they look at that to see if it's a boy or a girl.
00:07:42.000
And when you expose the animal to phthalates, that shrinks.
00:07:57.000
And she believes that that's the driving force.
00:07:59.000
And she thinks that we've been exposed since people have been using microwaves and everything's in plastic and water bottles in your car.
00:08:08.000
And then there's fertilizers and pesticides and herbicides and all that shit.
00:08:19.000
And she's like, why is everybody's dick small these days?
00:08:28.000
She has a thing on her Instagram called the Jizz Quiz.
00:08:33.000
It's like she's funny, but she's talking about real science.
00:08:37.000
It's kind of a disarming way to do it because she's such a sweet lady.
00:08:42.000
She's so fun, but she's talking about what's going on with microplastics.
00:08:46.000
If you jizz in her face without telling her, it's a pop quiz.
00:09:00.000
And imagine if when they introduced plastics to humans, it was just inevitably going to weaken us as a species.
00:09:06.000
And there's no way we could have known, because we'd never had plastic before.
00:09:10.000
So there was no plastic forever, and then 19, whatever it is, 50s?
00:09:24.000
Sperm cell count and women are having more miscarriages.
00:09:28.000
Yeah, less fertility from both the male and the female and the males.
00:09:42.000
I think she said we'd eat a credit card of plastic a week.
00:09:56.000
Yeah, you know what's weird when you check into a hotel and you see a family and they bring in like a 20 case of bottled water?
00:10:11.000
Was it on a boat in Thailand for a month, drifting across the ocean?
00:10:22.000
So what if I'm drinking some bullshit fucking chemicals that's going to make my tank shrink?
00:10:33.000
Everybody in New York loves saying New York has the best tap water.
00:10:41.000
New York, it's like they said the water's good, but the taps are all shitty.
00:10:50.000
Imagine if you could get a camera down a mile or so into those pipes and see the crud.
00:10:56.000
I had a landlord tell me it was normal for it to come out brown in the beginning, and I was like, can I come to your house and see if it's like that there?
00:11:15.000
There's some real disputes about fluoride in water too.
00:11:26.000
But what's really good for the teeth is brushing your fucking teeth.
00:11:29.000
It's like, are we sure that you're supposed to be dumping fluoride in the water that people drink?
00:11:42.000
Exposure to fluoride lowers your IQ. Oh, come on.
00:11:47.000
How much exposure to fluoride lowers your IQ? Drinking it for 39 years.
00:12:06.000
It says, a significant inverse relationship was found between the fluoride concentration in drinking water and IQ. It was observed that the IQ level was negatively correlated with fluoride concentration in drinking water.
00:12:24.000
But then again, you're buying this bottled water from who knows where that's been sitting on a dock.
00:12:41.000
Is there a real good reason for fucking dumping fluoride in the water?
00:13:04.000
Also called tooth decay by about 25% in children and adults.
00:13:08.000
Drinking fluoridated water, right, but what does it do to your brain?
00:13:11.000
And how much of an effect, how much better is it than just brushing your teeth?
00:13:23.000
We're forcing people to take care of their teeth and everybody else is going to lose IQ points?
00:13:42.000
I was gonna brush, but I decided to chug out of the sink.
00:13:47.000
Since the mid-1940s, compounds containing mineral fluoride have been added to community water supplies throughout the U.S. to prevent tooth decay.
00:13:58.000
If I wanted to put on a fucking tinfoil hat right now...
00:14:14.000
The potential risks from consuming fluoridated water may outweigh the benefits for some individuals.
00:14:20.000
Last summer, for the first time in 53 years, the U.S. Public Health Service lowered its recommended levels of fluoride in drinking water.
00:14:31.000
I mean, if I was making fluoride, I would be like, shut the fuck up!
00:14:39.000
Fluoride people are like, no, you need it in your water.
00:14:52.000
Like, imagine if we came along and said, we're going to put sunscreen in everybody's apples.
00:15:01.000
Because some people are going to get cancer because they're not wearing sunscreen.
00:15:07.000
And okay, well now everybody has to eat sunscreen apples.
00:15:15.000
This is like forcing everybody to eat sunscreen apples.
00:15:25.000
And when you use one of them filters, does that get all the fluoride out?
00:15:35.000
You're a high C. I'm an IK. With that beard, he's a fucking B-plus in the mountains.
00:15:45.000
In the mountains, you're a man who knows how to start a fire.
00:15:50.000
You look like a guy who knows where the fucking woodchucks are.
00:15:59.000
Yeah, there's a thing that people drink out of ponds with.
00:16:13.000
Like if cows have been pissing in a puddle, you can drink it.
00:16:17.000
Brita filters keep a healthy level of fluoride.
00:16:24.000
And it says on their website, a healthy level of fluoride.
00:16:30.000
But who the fuck decides what the healthy level of a thing that lowers your IQ is?
00:16:44.000
If you were a journalist, wouldn't this be something you would cover?
00:16:49.000
How many journalists have covered this in the New York Times?
00:17:03.000
There's so many stories about politics, no stories about advances in medical...
00:17:15.000
But I think that's always how people are, dude.
00:17:20.000
And because everyone has access to the internet, everyone's in conflict all the time.
00:17:26.000
It's so bizarre to watch people get political about medicine.
00:17:41.000
He's just watching the shit out of those videos.
00:17:43.000
I'd be like, yo, Tucker's right about everything, dude.
00:17:47.000
Every single one of those I watch, I'm like, god damn.
00:17:57.000
You ever go down that Michelle Obama's a man rabbit hole?
00:18:02.000
Eddie Bravo sent me one, and I sent him the original.
00:18:10.000
There's all these pictures that exist that are definitely doctored.
00:18:30.000
Did Tim Dillon's video, did that get removed from Twitter?
00:18:34.000
Someone put on Instagram, I believe, that Tim Dillon's video where he was saying that Michelle Obama should run for president and if she won, she could pull her cock out and China would just give up.
00:19:01.000
It's like, come on, tell me it isn't one of the fun things about the internet.
00:19:11.000
We had a cab driver on the way back from like Dixie Chicks or something, and he goes, halfway back, he goes, where do you guys get your news?
00:19:22.000
Don't they just call themselves They call themselves the Chicks now?
00:19:24.000
They can call themselves whatever they want, but I don't change.
00:19:35.000
They were one of the first people to get cancelled.
00:19:38.000
Yeah, they said they were embarrassed to be from the United States because of George Bush.
00:19:41.000
They're like, why are we going to war with Iraq?
00:19:47.000
They were like the first people to get severe backlash.
00:19:51.000
Well, I mean, now, in retrospect, everybody knows that war was insanity.
00:19:57.000
Rogan did an episode of Late Friday, a stand-up show, and they go, no, tell me if I'm wrong, they said, no George Bush jokes, no military jokes.
00:20:12.000
But looking back, the Bush hate was quaint compared to the shit now.
00:20:24.000
Everybody was furious at Bush for getting us into that war.
00:20:35.000
If the news didn't cover it, you really didn't know about it.
00:20:39.000
You know, in the news, they would certainly be slanted, the left-wing news against Bush.
00:20:46.000
Was Fox News even around back when Bush was president?
00:20:52.000
Who was that white-haired guy that Mitzi used to love?
00:21:00.000
He had like the late night show or daytime show.
00:21:24.000
You ever see when he was talking about the, like, I know God exists, because the tide goes in, the tide goes out.
00:21:43.000
They say the menstruation cycle is due to the tides.
00:21:48.000
But if that were true, wouldn't all chicks be in the same cycle?
00:21:52.000
No, because the moon's getting them at different times.
00:21:56.000
That would be like waves of periods across the country.
00:22:18.000
I think all these fucking Looney Tunes conspiracies are fun.
00:22:22.000
And that's what drove me crazy about the old Twitter.
00:22:26.000
It's like, I'm smart enough to know the earth isn't flat stupid.
00:22:34.000
I like when they get angry and call people globeheads.
00:22:42.000
So, dude, this cab driver went from Michelle Obama's a man to Nancy Pelosi's a man to Madonna is a man.
00:22:56.000
Yeah, and I go, what do they have to stand to gain by being a man and hiding it?
00:23:00.000
Well, first of all, in today's day and age, if they say they're a woman, they're a woman.
00:23:25.000
There's not too many pictures of Michelle Obama pregnant, just saying.
00:23:32.000
I've been searching them before the conspiracy.
00:23:35.000
Yeah, but the thing about it is, why would they post it?
00:23:36.000
How many pictures of you and your underwear are there on the internet?
00:23:43.000
Like, why would anybody have pictures of them, you know, or her pregnant?
00:24:00.000
Yeah, because she had a legit reason to be pissed off.
00:24:08.000
Isn't it funny that with medical science, one of us could have a baby now?
00:24:12.000
Yeah, they're talking about, trans people are talking about getting a uterus.
00:24:20.000
This one person was clearly trolling, and what they said was that they wanted to get a uterus transplant and then be the first trans person to have an abortion.
00:24:41.000
I could see a world, maybe not today, but I could see a world in the future where if enough biological men wanted uterus transplants, they would start doing it.
00:24:54.000
I mean, they would probably start convincing people that it's safe and effective because they want to be a real woman.
00:25:05.000
Yeah, but the bleeding, the pregnant, it's all a bummer.
00:25:25.000
Yeah, somebody's got to drive that fucking Uber Eats.
00:25:29.000
Imagine if the devil is real and all this chaos in society.
00:25:36.000
All this chaos in society is just designed to get us to the point where we're willing to accept a biological male getting pregnant And then through that, that's how Satan comes.
00:26:00.000
God's gonna come back and be like, alright, that's a wrap, you fucking dummies.
00:26:10.000
That's when the aliens would land, like, you guys are just, alright.
00:26:23.000
He went from cover of the Nirvana album to this.
00:26:29.000
Dude, imagine if you're a little kid and you're in a huge movie where you play the most evil motherfucker that's ever lived.
00:26:37.000
And then everywhere you go, people look at you sideways now.
00:27:07.000
You see a baby just standing there staring at you.
00:27:10.000
A naked baby just in the trail, just standing there staring at you.
00:27:20.000
Are they like, do I go towards the baby and then they rush me?
00:27:49.000
So they put the baby out so people save the baby.
00:27:57.000
They used to do a thing where they throw a baby and you instinctually catch it and then they pickpocket you.
00:28:24.000
We're like, oh, we got to take our family on vacation.
00:28:45.000
I don't know if they're all happy, but they're very friendly.
00:28:56.000
Yeah, like those Indian people who live poor as shit.
00:29:18.000
That guy had a giant basket and a whole family behind him on a motorcycle.
00:30:01.000
If you have the regular cold, like, that's not even cool.
00:30:05.000
Yeah, if you had COVID for one day, that's way better than the regular cold for like a week and a half.
00:30:10.000
It's like these rich chicks who can't just get a headache.
00:30:26.000
I'm sure that severity is, you know, different with different people.
00:30:30.000
I think Terrell Davis sat out of the Super Bowl for a little while with a migraine.
00:30:47.000
A debilitating migraine almost took him out of the Super Bowl.
00:31:04.000
A migraine eventually came on and forced Davis to sit out of the second quarter of the game.
00:31:08.000
He didn't let it stop for long, though, as he was back in the field after halftime.
00:31:16.000
During his pregame meal two hours before kickoff.
00:31:18.000
What kind of preventative medicine do they have for migraines, Jamie?
00:31:22.000
I had a friend in high school, if we would just start talking about it, he would get one.
00:31:27.000
We would play basketball, and he'd be like, if you guys fucking fuck me today and say that fucking shit, we'd just start eventually getting it.
00:31:41.000
It's a little psychosemantic, obviously, but it would still...
00:31:45.000
He'd have to go lay down somewhere, couldn't see light.
00:31:50.000
There is a lot of women like that if you start bringing up wanting to fuck them.
00:32:11.000
I switched from like six Cokes a day to six Sprites at the Comedy Store.
00:32:16.000
Yeah, and then it was like the drop in caffeine was like, it crushed me for a while.
00:32:22.000
Yeah, that's one of the only things that I've ever taken a lot of and didn't realize I was taking too much of it.
00:32:30.000
I was writing this thing and I was drinking these crazy drinks, these sodas.
00:32:36.000
They were filled with sugar and like massive amounts of caffeine.
00:32:40.000
They had like skull and crossbones on them and shit.
00:32:42.000
I don't even think the company's around anymore.
00:32:47.000
But there was like spicy, there were like spicy sodas and like filled with caffeine and I was drinking.
00:33:00.000
We were drinking like, I mean, I was drinking like seven or eight of them a night.
00:33:04.000
Yeah, because I was writing really up late at night, and they were just fucking...
00:33:09.000
My brain was on fire when I was on those things.
00:33:11.000
And then I got off of it, I finished this thing that I was writing, and then I'm in my house, I'm like, why does my head hurt so much?
00:33:19.000
And I was like, oh my god, I'm going through withdrawals!
00:33:51.000
As long as you stay hydrated, I don't think coffee's bad for you.
00:33:56.000
Tate Fletcher always used to say it's like a warm hug.
00:34:06.000
Yeah, I talked to Michael Pollan about that, and he said that he did for this experiment that he did for that book that he wrote on psychedelics, he took like three months off of coffee.
00:34:19.000
And then he said when he had a cup of coffee, it was like a drug.
00:34:26.000
When I started, if I drank past 10 a.m., I couldn't sleep.
00:34:48.000
You can get really good coffee at Starbucks if they have one of those weird machines.
00:34:53.000
You know that fucking, that crazy machine that somebody invented?
00:34:59.000
So you pour in the exact grams of coffee, and it heats the exact temperature, it brews it for the exact same amount of time, and then like a piston goes up and down.
00:35:09.000
And you push the hockey puck out, and the coffee's perfect.
00:35:21.000
If you do it right, if you really know what you're doing, like my friend Evan who owns Black Rifle Coffee, they measure their coffee.
00:35:34.000
So this machine, you pour the grinds in there and it literally makes a perfect cup of coffee.
00:35:54.000
There was a Starbucks in California where I used to go that had one of these.
00:35:58.000
Yeah, I had a few different coffees from there, and they were fucking sensational.
00:36:06.000
I mean, after that coffee, at $11,000, you're gonna shit blood?
00:36:15.000
It's just the whole thing is about, like, real coffee dorks.
00:36:21.000
He looks like he's about to start the band push.
00:36:23.000
That guy could not look like more of a barista if he tried.
00:36:45.000
Exact temperature, weight, exact amount of time brewing.
00:37:11.000
I always feel like a dickhead when I go into my coffee shop.
00:37:14.000
You know, they're all like young, cool people with tattoos and shit.
00:37:45.000
Somebody was comparing, there was like some chart where they were comparing one of those oat milk things.
00:37:52.000
But they said they have the same glycemic index as Coca-Cola.
00:38:02.000
Duncan told me, this stuff is delicious and it's good for you.
00:38:20.000
My life's been shit since I stopped drinking milk, dude.
00:38:42.000
So Oatly, for 12 ounces of Oatly, it's 19, what is that, grams?
00:38:47.000
I feel like they should change the name of rapeseed oil.
00:38:56.000
The glycemic load is 19 for Oakley and 20. Rapeseed?
00:39:04.000
They changed wandering Jew, but they leave rapeseed.
00:39:11.000
You go in now, you're like, do you have any wandering Jews?
00:39:12.000
Like, I haven't heard that in about seven years.
00:39:47.000
Rapeseed oil is one of the oldest known vegetable oils.
00:39:52.000
There are both edible and industrial forms produced from rapeseed, the seed of several cultivators.
00:39:58.000
Canola oil is a food grade version derived from rapeseed cultivars, specifically bred for low uric acid content, also known as low uric acid rapeseed oil.
00:40:11.000
There's the name for rapeseed culture in the Latin word, rape them.
00:40:46.000
That was the first time they ever had that language.
00:40:50.000
He's the guy who made the most recent Netflix one.
00:41:01.000
It makes me realize any name drug they're prescribing, it's like they're on the take.
00:41:09.000
How they got the salesmen to meet up with the good cases of, like, this helped me, so they could sell it better to the doctors and, like, dress up with your tits out.
00:41:18.000
Did you see that they found the dude who approved it?
00:41:20.000
They had this guy from the FDA would not approve it.
00:41:24.000
And then they lock him in a hotel room for two days.
00:41:27.000
And he comes out, and that was the language they used.
00:41:46.000
I mean, he went right from the FDA to work for Purdue.
00:41:58.000
Well, in that show, the governor of West Virginia was like, it's killing our state.
00:42:11.000
And then they were gonna give these people, the Sackler family was gonna give up like six billion dollars and through that they wouldn't be able to get prosecuted.
00:42:26.000
Giuliani called somebody who called the White House, and the White House called the DA, and the DA called the guy and goes, nah, make the deal.
00:42:38.000
They got almost a slap on the wrist and said, we won't prosecute.
00:42:43.000
The new thing is the Sacklers apparently agreed to pay somewhere in the neighborhood of like, see if you can find the store.
00:42:53.000
And in return, they are fucking very clever with the finances.
00:43:00.000
Yeah, and so in return for that, they would not be able to get prosecuted.
00:43:22.000
Yeah, everyone was like, Brett Favre's a fucking idiot.
00:43:24.000
Turns out everybody in the country was addicted to it.
00:43:35.000
He's like, man, these guys are really harsh on my fucking mind.
00:43:37.000
Ref Arm says he used to take a month's worth of painkillers in two days.
00:43:53.000
Take a little more, take a little more, take a little more.
00:44:06.000
I tell people all the time that I took 15 Vicodin ES at one time and they're like, didn't it knock you out?
00:44:18.000
What it's supposed to do, it doesn't, Favre said.
00:44:25.000
It wasn't just 96 when people knew about it because of the announcement.
00:44:50.000
Like, if you know a guy who's got a pill problem, you don't just leave him in your house.
00:44:57.000
What they always sold it to us is like, Oxy is the same as heroin, but like, yeah, but not exactly like it.
00:45:05.000
There's a great scene in the show that one doctor yells at the girl.
00:45:14.000
My two friends in high school died of methadone.
00:45:22.000
When I used to go to this pool hall that I used to play at in White Plains was right next to these people that were on Methadone.
00:45:31.000
So these Methadone dudes would come in and my friend Johnny used to call them the Methadonians.
00:45:36.000
They would come in and just be playing pool like this.
00:45:56.000
This guy was a world championship caliber pool player.
00:46:10.000
When you become a functioning heroin addict, not when you start taking weed, but once you're like, I can be fine on this.
00:46:19.000
The thing is, if you know what it is, and you know what you're doing, and you're getting pure stuff, like Dr. Carl Hart, you know who that guy is?
00:46:34.000
He talks openly about how he likes to sniff heroin.
00:46:42.000
Because he started out a complete straight-laced scientist with no experience with drugs whatsoever until he became a researcher.
00:46:50.000
And then when he's researching, he's realizing, like, oh, a lot of, like, the fears that we have of these things are overblown.
00:46:55.000
A lot of the addictions are from things that have been stepped on.
00:46:59.000
He definitely looks like a doctor who's getting a heroin.
00:47:01.000
If you were looking for, like, which one's the guy?
00:47:10.000
Well, the thing is, he doesn't encourage you to do drugs, but he says that all societies do drugs.
00:47:19.000
Nicotine and drinking caffeine and alcohol and, like, people are doing drugs.
00:47:28.000
But it's just, for a guy, it's hard to be, like, a public academic and intellectual and to have that stance.
00:47:34.000
Like, most of them are not willing to go out on that ledge.
00:47:50.000
He studies the effects of psychoactive drugs on humans.
00:47:52.000
He's detailed his drug use in a new book titled, Drug Use for Grown-Ups Chasing Liberty in the Land of Fear.
00:47:58.000
Hart, who is currently on sabbatical until July, is the chair of the prestigious university's psych department.
00:48:04.000
He hopes that coming clean about his drug use will help lead to decriminalization of illegal drugs.
00:48:09.000
Hart said that he first tried heroin six or seven years ago when he was already a tenured professor in his late 40s.
00:48:25.000
He's like, I just snort a little to feel refreshed and ready to take on another day.
00:48:34.000
Yeah, but he said when you get off of it, he said if you're really addicted to it, if you do it a lot and you get off of it, he said it's like the flu.
00:49:02.000
He says, the use of heroin can be as rational as my alcohol use.
00:49:06.000
Like vacation, sex, and the arts, heroin is one of the tools that I use to maintain my work-life balance.
00:49:17.000
Look at that other guy just judging him with his eyes.
00:49:29.000
That's the only way the message gets out there.
00:49:45.000
It's got to be the easiest class to pass, though.
00:49:47.000
Yeah, he's nodding off the whole fucking thing.
00:50:06.000
Yeah, but if you're on heroin, it's probably fun.
00:50:11.000
Well, you figure out, he's a scientist, so figure out what brings you back up again.
00:50:18.000
I'm sure the right mixture of Adderall right afterwards would be heroin and heroin.
00:50:40.000
Same as that diabetes medication too that everybody's on now.
00:50:45.000
We really haven't researched this for weight loss, but just everybody do it.
00:50:54.000
Brian Simpson tried it and he had to get off it.
00:51:26.000
You're fucking relying on us a little too much.
00:51:36.000
Imagine, you know, like, your son already fucked up, the laptop got out, the whole thing, the fucking jig is up, everybody knows you're a crook.
00:51:53.000
Do they have cameras inside the White House bathrooms?
00:51:58.000
Well, I was going to say they have it everywhere, but it's probably like, no, they say take cameras out of places.
00:52:02.000
I mean, how else do they catch Forrest Gump drinking all those Dr. Peppers?
00:52:08.000
Like, you gotta think the White House is the most photographed place in the world.
00:52:13.000
You couldn't have, like, a loophole where you could just go in the bathroom and fucking trade secrets with a spy.
00:52:18.000
I bet the president's like, no, I need a place where I'm not recorded.
00:52:35.000
The substance was located inside a receptacle used to temporarily store electronic and personal devices prior to entering the West Wing.
00:52:43.000
So he just dropped it off inside of a receptacle.
00:52:48.000
Or it was probably attached to his phone because he's gross.
00:52:55.000
It's like sweaty, sticks to your phone, little baggy.
00:53:00.000
And then he pulls his phone out, the baggy's in there, he doesn't even know.
00:53:09.000
It's a receptacle like when you go through a fucking radar machine.
00:53:12.000
Make sure you're not packin' heat to kill pops.
00:53:28.000
You got one of those arteries and you press down with your tongue long enough?
00:53:33.000
I would joke about him and I was like, I hope the special, like, when I got done filming it in June, it's coming out tomorrow, I was like...
00:53:41.000
I was like, he might die before the special comes out.
00:53:45.000
And then I'd see clips of him in, like, Hawaii, just...
00:53:59.000
Shane, you look upset they're taking a picture of you.
00:54:11.000
In a rowdy stand-up set, Shane Gillis riffs on his girlfriend's Navy CLX. It wasn't even that rowdy.
00:54:23.000
As soon as I saw that, I texted my manager and I said, who the fuck wrote this?
00:54:35.000
Who's going to read that and be like, I want to hear about that Australian guy.
00:55:11.000
Awkward lap dances to the intimacy of letting one rip in front of a spouse.
00:55:20.000
You don't go anywhere without that watch, goddammit.
00:55:33.000
It's funny, we got in the pool yesterday and I was genuinely concerned about the watch.
00:56:00.000
It's just funny that you were off also in the minutes.
00:56:10.000
Also, Mark sets his clock two minutes fast, so we'll be on time, and he's still 40 minutes late.
00:56:28.000
It was a different time than what the fucking time on...
00:56:32.000
I bet this watch lasts longer than that piece of shit.
00:56:48.000
Measures your heart rate, but it doesn't work on me because I have tattoos.
00:56:56.000
The best heart rate boner is the straps, anyway.
00:57:02.000
I mean, if somebody told me the watch was reading your heart, but a tattoo was blocking it, I'd be like, what the fuck are you even talking about?
00:57:15.000
So if you look at the back of this thing, this thing shoots light out.
00:57:22.000
And it can measure, if it's over an area that doesn't have a tattoo, it can measure how quick the blood is moving through your skin.
00:57:31.000
But it's not as accurate as the ones that you put around your chest.
00:58:00.000
Joe, is Jamie allowed to come to Ohio State Notre Dame with me, please?
00:58:20.000
Promise me you're not going to drink in the park again.
00:58:22.000
Yeah, what are you going to do when your kids are boozing?
00:58:40.000
Just imagine if one of your older friends married your daughter.
00:59:04.000
They've been in there since the fucking Cold War.
00:59:19.000
Wow, he's born before World War II. Is that the girl he got pregnant in the middle?
00:59:52.000
What if it just gets younger and younger looking like a peach?
01:00:05.000
What's up with those guys who like getting their nuts stomped?
01:00:24.000
It's not like these girls with the shoes are like trained experts in how hard not to stomp your nuts.
01:00:33.000
I know of two guys who lost their balls in kickboxing.
01:00:44.000
One guy lost his balls because he went one more round with this dude, and he didn't want to put his cup on.
01:00:49.000
He was getting out of the cage, and then the guy was like, one more round.
01:00:54.000
He's like, ah, just leave it off for one round.
01:00:57.000
He takes his shin to the nuts, loses one of his nuts.
01:01:02.000
And another guy that I know of was a very similar situation.
01:01:24.000
He did like a fucking front flip and landed with one heel on that guy's nutsack.
01:01:30.000
He was like, I'll hit you anywhere, but fuck, it's that exact spot.
01:01:34.000
The amount of ball trauma I took as a nine-year-old.
01:01:38.000
Like middle school, every single one of our friends was socking each other.
01:01:43.000
Some guy whipped me with a racetrack, you know, like the track, the orange thing.
01:01:50.000
You didn't know how to protect it back then, so you just walk into like crossbars and shit.
01:01:55.000
I've been kicked in the nuts at least a hundred times.
01:02:12.000
That guy kicked 40 punches in a row to the nuts.
01:02:16.000
Joe Son had him at a headlock and Keith Hackney just looked at his nutsack and was, let's go, bang!
01:02:32.000
He was trying to be like this doesn't bother me.
01:02:39.000
It was a no-rules fight and this dude reached his hand into this guy's pants and grabbed his cock.
01:02:47.000
So he's got a headlock, and he's just going right to the sack-a-rooney here.
01:03:19.000
That guy went to jail later for rape, didn't he?
01:03:33.000
They used to be able to wear shoes, they could pull hair.
01:03:38.000
Some guys would wear a gi, other guys would wear.
01:03:44.000
Yeah, you're just forcing guys to cut your hair.
01:03:46.000
I mean, I know you want to look cool, but you're going to fight in the cage.
01:03:48.000
In the NFL, in football, you're allowed to tackle a dude.
01:04:01.000
Those dudes have crazy braids coming out of there.
01:04:21.000
But in MMA, man, in the olden days, you shouldn't really have a ponytail.
01:04:26.000
I know you want to look cool, but when Kimo fought Poise Gracie, these are allowed to punch you in the balls and pull your hair.
01:04:41.000
If you're allowed to punch in the balls, none of this matters.
01:04:44.000
Well, it kind of does because in the early UFC's you were allowed to punch in the balls and nobody punched Hoyce Gracie in the balls.
01:04:52.000
It's not that easy to just punch him in the balls.
01:04:58.000
If you get a chance, but he knows you're going to do that.
01:05:06.000
But if you were remotely in shape and a guy was doing jiu-jitsu to you, you could probably get his balls or his butthole pretty quick.
01:05:22.000
You're not supposed to touch black people's hair.
01:05:28.000
In all fairness, that's probably some stuff that's braided in there anyway, right?
01:05:45.000
Yeah, a lot of those are extensions in the NFL. Really?
01:06:07.000
Guys, if I had a beard like that, I'd be so cool.
01:06:10.000
I started in a protest before Shane recorded a special and I said I'm not gonna shave it till it comes out.
01:06:16.000
I grew a full beard once when this dude Evan Tanner died.
01:06:19.000
Evan Tanner was this MMA fighter that had this full beard and he was a real crazy dude, like real interesting guy and he died in the desert.
01:06:41.000
If I don't shave my cheek area, it goes like a werewolf.
01:07:06.000
But isn't that like, don't they kill you for that?
01:07:16.000
So, in American Islam, tell me what the rules are.
01:07:20.000
Catholic girls aren't supposed to fuck in the ass, but they still do it.
01:08:02.000
You can do a little gay stuff if you're drinking.
01:08:03.000
If you're drinking, you can do a little gay stuff.
01:08:07.000
Just as long as they say Salam Alaykum before your career.
01:08:11.000
Catholics have the fucking greatest scheme ever.
01:08:18.000
And they gotta tell you do this like 20 times and fucking mean it this time.
01:08:39.000
Remember when someone does something mean to you?
01:08:48.000
Well, it seems like that came about when they made celibacy mandatory.
01:08:55.000
It seems like before that, there was a time where the priests were like, the rock stars.
01:08:59.000
And I think that became a problem because they were probably banging everybody.
01:09:05.000
They're the ones who are like distributing the word of the Lord.
01:09:09.000
I'm sure from there, like, can I just fuck Jews or something?
01:09:15.000
Before it was illegal, I guarantee they fucked everybody.
01:09:21.000
That's why a lot of gays become priests, because they're like, this is an evil thing, or let me go into a place where I'm not allowed to fuck anybody, so it's cool.
01:09:38.000
I don't think it's most, but I think it's a big factor of it, where it's like, this is the way I can cover up my evil desire.
01:09:45.000
I don't know where you're getting your fucking numbers from.
01:09:47.000
Young dudes becoming Catholic priests now are probably gay.
01:10:16.000
I'm in the hangover hole, so I gotta go back to normal with like two glasses.
01:10:21.000
That'll get me to zero, and then I can get drunk.
01:10:30.000
Yeah, you guys are sucking kids' dicks, giving them herpes and shit.
01:10:33.000
I was at Moyles' assistant for a while, just for that suck fest.
01:10:46.000
They say it gives some kids herpes, because sometimes the moil's got to...
01:11:00.000
There's a wild video of this guy explaining why it's important.
01:11:07.000
It comes from a time when sand would get in there.
01:11:10.000
Yeah, in the fucking desert, you've got to cut open a baby's dick.
01:11:22.000
That's alright, but you don't have to suck the kid's dick afterwards.
01:11:24.000
I'm against circumcision only for the dick sucking.
01:11:30.000
Imagine if they didn't cut the dick, they just said, look, we've decided that's a barbaric practice.
01:11:37.000
We're not cutting dicks anymore, but we still suck them.
01:11:51.000
I wonder if Hitler heard about that and was just like, what?
01:11:56.000
Somebody was like, Adolf, you know what they're doing down there?
01:12:04.000
Ultra-Orthodox reach deal on circumcision suction ritual.
01:12:12.000
Bill de Blasio's administration says moles should no longer be...
01:12:19.000
Should no longer be required to obtain signed consent forms before the rights of...
01:12:33.000
I love getting a fucking, nothing better than a nice macisa bepé.
01:12:49.000
There's an article saying it could be a matter of life and death for baby boys.
01:12:54.000
Because of people dying from diseases from the world.
01:12:59.000
When I was younger, I'd see the rabbi just lick his fingers and then do it like that.
01:13:09.000
Yeah, but he was still getting his fucking herpes on the kid.
01:13:20.000
When Abraham was 99. He was the OG. He was the OG circumcision.
01:13:24.000
When Abraham was 99, God appeared to him and instructed him.
01:13:35.000
Appeared to him and instructed him to circumcise himself and all the male members of his household, including his 13-year-old son Ishmael.
01:13:44.000
After the circumcision, God sent angels to inform Abraham that his wife Sarah would give birth to Isaac, the long-awaited heir to Abraham's tradition.
01:14:03.000
His first kid when he was 86. Yeah, but right there it says his wife Sarah.
01:14:07.000
That's when he was 99. This is why the Arabs are mad, because they're like, well, the firstborn son, that's Ishmael.
01:14:18.000
Guys, they wouldn't write down something that isn't real.
01:14:33.000
Do you know how fucking bad their clocks were back then?
01:14:41.000
They'd be like, dude, I swear to God, it's Wednesday.
01:14:46.000
For real, like, via Cabama, Ecuador, all these people lived to, like, in their hundreds, and they couldn't figure out why.
01:14:50.000
And then one researcher went down there and was like, how do you guys live so long?
01:15:12.000
And Methuselah lives 802 years after begetting him.
01:15:15.000
He was also the oldest of all figures mentioned in the Bible.
01:15:18.000
Methuselah is mentioned once in the Hebrew Bible outside of Genesis and in Chronicles 1-3.
01:15:40.000
800. They were lying, but we're actually getting close.
01:15:42.000
That's a wild thing to do, man, because you're not gonna be around.
01:15:49.000
God, I wish my special could have been 47 hours.
01:16:21.000
I got my bonus features I'll put out at some point.
01:16:28.000
But can I just say this podcast, Protect Our Parks, has some of the biggest specials around.
01:16:35.000
Mark Norman's top ten for two weeks on Netflix.
01:16:49.000
Because I've just been writing new material and fuckin' around.
01:16:56.000
Right now, I like doing whatever the fuck I feel like doing.
01:17:04.000
It's fun, but you sell out a show and people are like, hey, we like this guy.
01:17:08.000
Then you go up and they're like, oh, what happened?
01:17:16.000
When you take that stack of notes that you have, how do you figure out what you're doing?
01:17:30.000
Well, I didn't bring it today because I got crucified on the lab.
01:17:35.000
And now every show I do, they go, pull out the notes!
01:17:44.000
Well, once she sees the swastikas on there, she won't touch it.
01:17:51.000
My maid today moved the lotion and the hand towels to my bed stand.
01:18:17.000
No, but if she saw you and she knew whose loads it were...
01:18:46.000
No joke, a way to exist, so we have some rules, so nobody tries to fuck your wife anymore.
01:18:52.000
There's a monster up there, so if you hit him, he's gonna fuck you up.
01:18:59.000
Right, but the problem with that explanation is that that would mean that one person knows better.
01:19:05.000
And they're writing these rules out for everybody.
01:19:11.000
It wasn't like there was a group of people that didn't believe in the gods.
01:19:15.000
They all kind of believed in it at one point in time.
01:19:18.000
And they were writing these rules based on something.
01:19:27.000
They want to tell you what they want you to know.
01:19:29.000
I think it's just like every society was like, we all sort of agree with this.
01:19:39.000
So just instinctively, it's a human instinct to be like...
01:19:44.000
It's like the reason you were talking about how nobody's content, which is actually probably a good thing.
01:19:51.000
There's something inside people that's like, there's something else.
01:19:56.000
Otherwise, we're not going to build this cool pyramid.
01:20:00.000
Baha'i says the things you find in every religion, like don't kill, don't steal, don't fuck your neighbor's wife, the flood.
01:20:12.000
If you could go back at any point in time and see how people were living, it'd just be like an invisible bulletproof bubble.
01:20:22.000
You could just exist and watch and no one would know you were there.
01:20:27.000
If you were like 1890s and you're just not the racist guy.
01:20:46.000
I was like, you guys have a really good idea, but it seems like you're not doing a lot with it.
01:21:04.000
You're in a dimensional sphere that's allowing you to take place without- You can't talk to anybody, just watch.
01:21:30.000
There's a book called The Great Mortality by John Kelly.
01:21:35.000
The king of England showered three times in three months.
01:21:48.000
It was rare to change your clothes once a year.
01:21:51.000
Well, that's what they said about the Mongols, that their clothes, because there was animal skins.
01:22:05.000
I would want to see Genghis Kong take over cities in China.
01:22:10.000
I'd love to see somebody being at a Pol Pot village right before he comes.
01:22:20.000
He said to have taken only three baths in his life.
01:22:29.000
Louis took the trend for perfumery to new heights by...
01:22:35.000
Commissioning is perfumered to create a new scent for each day of the week.
01:22:43.000
Oh, it was thought that water spread disease, so the less you bathed, the less vulnerable you were.
01:22:54.000
Shitting into holes in the ground and not washing their assholes.
01:23:00.000
Everyone throwing their shit out of their fucking window.
01:23:06.000
That detailed when people were, like, at the beginning of the turn of the century in America and what it was like in, like, the early 1900s in America.
01:23:21.000
No, back then, no one's dropping off jack shit.
01:23:24.000
You're living in the city, no one's growing anything.
01:23:28.000
This is an article called The Disgusting History of Royal Palaces.
01:23:36.000
Because of so much human waste that was accumulating.
01:23:42.000
They actually did escape the disgusting messes large royal parties produced.
01:23:47.000
Palaces like Henry's Hampton Court had to be constantly evacuated so they could be cleaned of the accumulated mounds of human waste.
01:23:57.000
Livestock and farmland also needed time to recover after supplying food for so many people.
01:24:03.000
Once the tour was over, Henry and a swelling court of over a thousand would keep moving for the rest of the year, traveling frequently between the king's 60 residences in a vain attempt to live in hygienic surroundings.
01:24:16.000
So he just kept shitting in all his different houses.
01:24:27.000
I've been in there fucking eating poop for 12 years.
01:24:31.000
Imagine these fucking people didn't know not to just shit in your house.
01:24:39.000
You go outside, you might get hit with an arrow.
01:24:49.000
The hallways would come so caked with grime and soot from constant fires that they were fairly black.
01:24:56.000
The very crush of the court members was so dense that it made a thorough housecleaning impossible and futile.
01:25:02.000
Though cleanliness standards were subpar throughout the medieval Renaissance and Regency eras, royal courts were typically dirtier than the average small cab at our home.
01:25:11.000
I'll be honest, Europe still fucking stinks, dude.
01:25:33.000
No, they're thinner, but I'm saying UK is catching up big time.
01:25:46.000
There's nothing wrong with being pasty, red, and fat.
01:25:53.000
But yeah, you know, they said in old New York, they had a company that would just move dead horses out of the road.
01:26:00.000
Because horses would just die, and you'd just leave it there.
01:26:09.000
But it's like an old car that just breaks down.
01:26:12.000
And, by the way, imagine living in a whole city that's filled with people who took a fucking boat from Europe.
01:26:29.000
How much do you really know about what's over there?
01:26:33.000
Somebody lied to you at a bar in fucking Ireland.
01:26:41.000
And then you show up and you're like, what is this black guy?
01:26:45.000
You show up and go, hey, you're going to fight in the Civil War.
01:26:53.000
You gotta shoot at other Irish guys right away.
01:26:59.000
Like, let's take a chance on a different state.
01:27:11.000
How many people have they talked to that made that journey before them?
01:27:49.000
One of the two parties had one fucking axe for firewood and they were swinging it and then that fucking axe handle just flew off 200 yards into the snow and they were like, We're all dead.
01:28:04.000
They had to leave a lot of trees on fire and that didn't work very well.
01:28:15.000
When they found them, the snow drifts were so big that they were in pits of like 20 feet of snow.
01:28:23.000
They would, like, look in the pit, they'd see someone just, like, eating humans.
01:28:31.000
Not to mention some fucking Choctaws coming at you with a face paint.
01:28:36.000
Yeah, they had a couple of Indian guides, and then they saw them looking at them, like, drumsticks in those cartoons.
01:28:55.000
I always say it's like 1977. It's three people ago.
01:29:01.000
Because look what we used to have to deal with.
01:29:11.000
People like to stay at a fucking pretty steady level of discontent.
01:29:16.000
And when life gets easier, they find new things to hit that level.
01:29:21.000
It could be gender, it could be the climate, it could be the vaccine, it could be Ukraine.
01:29:27.000
Climate is, I'm not trying to, you know, minimalize it, but it is funny to be mad about the weather.
01:29:40.000
The hikers resigned themselves to cannibalism and considered drawing lots for human sacrifice, or even having two of the men square off in a duel.
01:29:48.000
Several members of the party soon died naturally, however, so the survivors roasted and consumed their corpses.
01:29:54.000
The gruesome meat gave them the energy they required, and following a month of walking, Jeff Ross is out there.
01:30:01.000
Seven of the original fifteen made it to a ranch in California and helped organize rescue efforts.
01:30:09.000
For someone so pure and tan, it sure tastes like shit.
01:30:13.000
Imagine just hanging out with that dude if he survived.
01:30:22.000
Yeah, there was a lady that was dead silent about it.
01:30:34.000
The scariest part of that book, the Indifferent Stars of Blood, was the fucking, uh, the planes were so, like, that was nuts back then.
01:30:45.000
It was like, it was nothing, and it was an ocean, and it was terrifying, but like, a little, a toddler, because you're with your family, and you would stop, obviously, but like, if a little kid got off the wagon and started wandering around, They would just get lost in the tall grass.
01:31:05.000
You'd just lose your kid like 10 feet away from you.
01:31:17.000
Because it's not like all that land was excavated.
01:31:26.000
Just like, there's less trees right there, I think we can gut it.
01:31:39.000
They gave them homesteads because they used them as bait to fight off the Comanche.
01:31:49.000
They fucking ruled it because they were the best on riding horses.
01:31:59.000
But they just gave these people these ranches and didn't tell them.
01:32:02.000
And then all of a sudden, Comanche would just show up and just slaughter the whole family.
01:32:07.000
And then they would have a reason to go after the Comanche.
01:32:10.000
And then there was like, you know, it wasn't until the Texas Rangers came along and then they started using pistols.
01:32:15.000
That was when they had a revolver so they could shoot five shots.
01:32:25.000
Whatever the gun was, the original gun, that was the first pistol, and that let them go bang, bang, bang, bang, instead of bang, and then a fucking musket, you gotta put the ball in, and they're running at you, throwing arrows at you.
01:32:37.000
So everybody was getting killed, until they figured out pistols.
01:32:40.000
So once they had a revolver, then the Texas Rangers started.
01:32:48.000
Dude, that revolver is like, you know in the movie The Aliens, you finally blow up the ship, and then you realize, oh, there's 14 more.
01:32:56.000
They must have been like, we're barely fighting off these whites.
01:33:04.000
That was the moment where they were like, oh, it's really over.
01:33:06.000
They got a fucking, yeah, all the buffalo hunters had basically sniper rifles.
01:33:13.000
Those guys were getting really good at making long blankets.
01:33:22.000
Yeah, once they had rifles, it was kind of game over.
01:33:37.000
Just a few hundred years ago, everybody was a murderer.
01:33:40.000
All you had to do was not shoot someone in the back.
01:33:42.000
You were facing them at a table, and they weren't reached for anything.
01:33:46.000
Those Old West movies, they probably watered it down.
01:33:57.000
This is in 1871. Damn, that killed a lot of people.
01:34:01.000
So once they first started using those things, the whole game changed.
01:34:14.000
And I think you had to take the whole centerpiece out.
01:34:17.000
Yeah, you had to take the whole thing out, and you could have another one.
01:34:30.000
How long did they have the first Russian roulette with that?
01:34:33.000
Didn't they have some revolvers in the Civil War, the American Civil War?
01:34:41.000
So they would have to take, I think they'd have to take that whole centerpiece out, the original ones.
01:34:53.000
Yeah, you probably had a few on your pockets, you know, that you were carrying around with you.
01:34:58.000
How cool is that in the army when they're fucking talking?
01:35:45.000
Well, it's crazy that it didn't happen that long ago.
01:35:48.000
When I was a kid, I would think about World War II, I thought it was so long ago.
01:35:59.000
So that's from here to 2003. 2003 was not that long ago.
01:36:05.000
2003 does not seem like that long ago, that that was like World War II from the time I was born.
01:36:12.000
The kid AJ in Sopranos is now the same age as Gandolfini in the first season.
01:36:22.000
That show seems like it ended a million years ago.
01:36:31.000
If you pull up what he ate on that last night, he was in Rome just going to town.
01:36:44.000
He's like, I only take roles where the character drinks a lot.
01:36:52.000
He got so fucking deep into those fucking murders that he was like...
01:36:55.000
James Gandolfini's last meal included two portions of fried king prawns, fogwa, and eight boozy drinks.
01:37:24.000
He said to have eaten the entire meal by himself, along with two rounds of a pina colada and two rums on the side before having another two beers.
01:37:39.000
But was he doing coke too or is that just a rumor?
01:38:11.000
Why are we using this language, this restrictive language of abuse?
01:38:16.000
A little coke every now and then, it'll keep you flying right.
01:38:18.000
The wildest number thing that we were just talking about the other day, that between the invention from the first flight with the airplane for Wilbur and Orville Wright, it was less than 50 years before they dropped a nuclear bomb out of war.
01:38:43.000
That stupid fucking plane that they had the first time.
01:38:58.000
They go from that to a nuclear bomb dropping on Hiroshima.
01:39:03.000
And the playing part was like the also rant of the story.
01:39:14.000
Well, the kamikazes were all doing some form of eventually.
01:39:18.000
It is pretty crazy when you see a fucked up guy at a bar, they go to the bathroom, come out fine.
01:39:29.000
Yeah, Ari's not recommending it, ladies and gentlemen.
01:39:37.000
This is 50 years after the invention of the fucking airplane.
01:39:47.000
I mean, now go back to the stupid Kitty Hawk one.
01:39:56.000
So now it's like, can you believe I sat in the runway for 30 minutes?
01:40:02.000
It's called a runway because we literally had to fucking Fred Flintstone run and start this place.
01:40:14.000
If it breaks apart, it kills everyone instantly.
01:40:16.000
Right, but they go from that, what you're seeing right there, to a fucking giant plane that can carry a nuclear bomb.
01:40:27.000
We got the car, the plane, the phone, the radio.
01:40:36.000
And then that's when the aliens start showing up.
01:40:41.000
The aliens just immediately start fucking hovering over big cities and military bases.
01:40:57.000
It's a beacon to the fucking call the rest of them.
01:41:11.000
I've watched this one, the scientists are boners watching this.
01:41:54.000
That's wild, but that to me is not as wild as octopus.
01:41:58.000
When octopus can change their texture to look exactly like a coral reef.
01:42:03.000
When you're down there, they're like, oh, there's one.
01:42:26.000
What they can do, what's so wild, is they look like the floor.
01:42:58.000
If Octopi are aliens, they're doing a shit job.
01:43:10.000
So it changes texture to look exactly like what it's on top of.
01:43:32.000
It's figuring out what the color of the ground is.
01:43:36.000
And then once it figures it out, it changes to look like the ground.
01:45:32.000
I can't believe you're actually playing Mike Allstott Highlights.
01:45:36.000
Isn't it wild that America's number one sport is without a doubt the most violent?
01:45:53.000
What is the number one sport in terms of watch?
01:46:05.000
There's one soccer game at 38. Oh, Trump debates.
01:46:15.000
It's all football except for a couple soccer and one horse race.
01:46:22.000
The Turkey's on 40. Two or three soccer games, which are probably World Cup games.
01:46:25.000
The Academy Awards was 77. Gays don't support their own.
01:46:29.000
So that's the number one, without a doubt, most viewed thing in America.
01:47:02.000
They had a few $4 Yankee tickets in the outfit this year.
01:47:08.000
So when you guys go to see baseball games, since there is a lot of downtime, do you just mostly talk shit?
01:47:18.000
Me and Mark had nipple tassels one of the year.
01:47:20.000
Just sitting up in the fucking bleachers having a good time.
01:47:27.000
That's about as drunk as you get as a baseball game.
01:47:34.000
We gotta get as many beers as we can right now.
01:48:11.000
If I wasn't a baseball player, I'd be a serial killer.
01:48:14.000
There's one quote where he has, he's like, I would never play in Newark.
01:48:17.000
You gotta sit next to some queer with AIDS. Jesus Christ!
01:48:22.000
The one thing I hate about New York is the foreigners.
01:48:27.000
You can walk an entire block of time screwing out and hear anybody speaking English.
01:48:31.000
Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there.
01:48:53.000
Before the quote, I remember my dad being like, son, sit down.
01:49:02.000
They're in the same division as the Phillies, so I would watch him all the time.
01:49:35.000
And the guy from golf who was like, well, women can't be as good because they've got these big tits down to hold around.
01:49:45.000
I think they just, did some chess organization just ban transgender men or transgender women from competing against women?
01:49:59.000
Wait, chess is not just one sport for men and women?
01:50:05.000
World chess body burns transgender women from women's tournaments.
01:50:09.000
Is there a fucking strength component to chess?
01:50:17.000
Yeah, but it's even more of an advantage to be a man mentally.
01:50:22.000
That's the only way to say there's two divisions.
01:50:31.000
Change of gender is a change that has a significant impact on a player's status and future eligibility to tournaments.
01:50:38.000
Therefore, it can only be made if there is a relevant proof of the change provided.
01:50:46.000
Players will have to provide documentation that the gender change complies with the national laws and regulations through their own federation.
01:50:55.000
It then has to be confirmed in writing that the player is familiar with the restrictions established by these regulations and undertakes to comply with them.
01:51:02.000
Yeah, they're just saying, don't cheat the system.
01:51:04.000
This is like when Jews apply for African American grants because they say I'm Moroccan Jewish.
01:51:10.000
And everyone's like, that's not what we're talking about.
01:51:13.000
Well, the Asians are getting fucked with the colleges.
01:51:19.000
Yeah, so now it means Asians are just going to fill up all colleges.
01:51:33.000
Well, if there is a group of people that's dominating any one particular field and someone is competing with them, I guess you're going to have to do better.
01:51:45.000
And clearly, if you're intellectually competing with people that are working way harder than you, and it means more to them, and they're way more serious about it than you, they're probably going to get ahead of you.
01:51:55.000
That first week of college when you see all the Asian kids, like, we've been studying.
01:52:02.000
Well, look at the Indians with the spelling bee.
01:52:06.000
Because their names are Rashmaharararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararar It was that one.
01:52:23.000
It's so funny hearing these names and not knowing anything about it.
01:52:28.000
Well, it's fascinating for me to know you, too, because you don't pay attention to anything.
01:52:36.000
What does something have to be so interesting or kooky in the world that it actually gets to Ari?
01:52:54.000
That's probably a good way to approach life, because only the really serious stuff gets in there.
01:53:00.000
The only news I need is a weather report, right?
01:53:02.000
You don't want to be sitting around wondering what the World Economic Forum is plotting.
01:53:22.000
It was a meteor on a hammock looking out at beautiful woods.
01:53:36.000
What is Will Ferrell going to play him in a movie?
01:53:53.000
Although back when Hunter was really killing it.
01:54:06.000
That dude leaving baggies at the fucking White House.
01:54:16.000
Honestly, I bet a lot of people are doing cocaine there.
01:54:22.000
If you don't do coke and then Obama or Trump or Biden is like, line it up, you'd be like, I'm doing coke.
01:54:32.000
I think he did crack and had gay sex with his chef.
01:54:57.000
Boy, imagine though if the chef really did drown, Obama would be like, FUCK! No one's gonna beat this guy.
01:55:08.000
And then you got Tucker Carlson saying he has gay sex.
01:55:21.000
The worst thing he does, though, is he does this thing...
01:55:24.000
So I was watching the interview he did with the Hungarian Prime Minister.
01:55:28.000
I'm telling you, I'm watching all these fucking things.
01:55:33.000
I mean, maybe, unless the Hungarian Prime Minister is a fucking nutjob, which, you know...
01:55:39.000
Yeah, HPM. But the whole time, they're talking about the war in Russia and all this very serious stuff, but occasionally...
01:55:53.000
When Gomez was on there, and he goes, how do you feel about politics?
01:55:58.000
And Gomez just goes, Lewis just goes, politics is gay.
01:56:04.000
Like, he hasn't had someone speak honestly for a while.
01:56:07.000
He literally laughs like he's like, yeah, he's like, royal.
01:56:16.000
Also, I saw him pack his in, and I was like, this guy's a fool.
01:56:22.000
He literally was like, Shane hates people for frat reasons.
01:56:40.000
You're just shaking that like a monkey with a stick.
01:56:46.000
Penis Envy, the strongest shrooms on the planet.
01:56:50.000
But I went and saw a concert, and they weren't kicking in, so I kept eating them, and my buddy was doing a zin.
01:57:14.000
Yeah, there's people snort tobacco that's like mixed with a bunch of other shit too.
01:57:19.000
Yeah, there's stuff called, I think it's called Akuhei, and they fucking blow it up each other's nostrils.
01:57:25.000
Yeah, like, you stand over there, and I have, like, a bamboo shoot.
01:57:33.000
And apparently it's nasty, and your fucking nose beats butt.
01:57:38.000
You and your boys shooting shit up each other's fucking butts.
01:57:45.000
See if you can find that stuff they shoot up each other's noses.
01:57:51.000
I think it's called Akuhei, but I don't know how to spell that.
01:58:00.000
You got a leaf over your dick, but I know how to get high as fuck, bro.
01:58:06.000
Think of figuring out how to get high back then.
01:58:18.000
It contains nicotinia rustica type of tobacco, also known as Mapacho.
01:58:24.000
It's different from the tobacco used in cigarettes, which is nicotinia tobacco, although it contains tobacco.
01:58:40.000
It also contains other medicinal and sacred plants, including parts from tree bark, leaves, seeds, and various plants.
01:58:47.000
Once collected, the components become pulverized with a pestle and strained through a mesh.
01:58:55.000
Different combinations of plants provide different uses and effects, and the exact recipe is often kept secret by the shaman.
01:59:13.000
The secretion off of the frog, they'll put it on a glass window pane and they rub it all over and the frog freaks out and creates this juicy shit to keep people from eating it.
01:59:24.000
And then you put the frog back in his little frog box and then you let the shit dry in the sun and you scrape it off and smoke it.
01:59:58.000
You literally, your family might die, and you stumble upon a pound of mushrooms, and you scoop them up, and you bring them back to your family, and you're all eating these mushrooms just blown out of your fucking mind.
02:00:17.000
So say there's like an open field and it just rained.
02:00:29.000
That dude looks like the kind of guy that would get you DMT. He totally does.
02:00:38.000
But waking up, I mean, that would have been like a religious experience.
02:00:42.000
If you took mushrooms, no one ever took mushrooms before that you talked to.
02:00:49.000
Well, that's what Terence McKenna thinks created people.
02:00:54.000
He thinks that people started experimenting with mushrooms, and that was responsible for the doubling of the human brain size over a period of two million years.
02:01:03.000
It's a fascinating theory that his brother, who's like a legitimate scientist, is...
02:01:18.000
That dude's in the center of the universe right now.
02:01:32.000
Oh, imagine these dudes standing over you while you're tripping balls.
02:02:40.000
It's better than that fucking hippie bullshit you listen to.
02:03:01.000
We kind of just do, and then we see what happens.
02:03:34.000
Ever since you challenged me, dude, your chin's been rocked.
02:03:51.000
Oh yeah, going straight from here to Portugal, which is going to be a nutty coach plane ride.
02:04:02.000
I'll be in Philadelphia, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Chicago, Kansas City, Iowa City, Indianapolis, Louisville, St. Louisville, Tempe, Tucson, Boston, Foxwoods, and Albany.
02:04:27.000
Beautiful Dogs references one of the bits in the special.
02:04:37.000
I was just going to say, live in fucking Virginia.
02:04:50.000
Nothing I love more than trying to get him to drink.
02:04:58.000
It's fun to wave coke in his face because he's like, he starts twitching.
02:05:08.000
We just went late night from the Comedy Store, like, let's just get out there.
02:05:18.000
And then it's like, he's just crossing a road and some car comes by.
02:05:21.000
He just sees a dude with a black suit with a black tie.
02:05:46.000
I know three people who have it, and they don't really give a shit.
02:05:53.000
I've had a cough that won't go away for about a week.
02:06:07.000
321. What do you do when you do shows in Europe?
02:06:11.000
I hear audience members going, watch, that's the They love your stupid watch.
02:06:15.000
Oh yeah, I tell you, this thing takes a licking.
02:06:50.000
I feel like I could talk you into doing things.
02:06:59.000
I think you're the man to bring Bud Light back.
02:07:10.000
Two of the funniest guys on planet Earth, one of them is straight sober, and you're just drinking Bud Light the whole time talking shit.
02:07:19.000
They'd fucking put out a series of really funny ads.
02:07:23.000
People would go, all right, it's been enough time.
02:07:25.000
Tim's sober, but he's like, when I'm done ripping ass all day, I like a Bud Light.
02:07:48.000
We just we were just in I was in a college town like up for a month yeah you see 21 22 year olds you're like That's a fucking kid.
02:07:58.000
And then you see the mirror while you're walking out of the fucking bar.
02:08:56.000
What kind of goofy calendar did they have in the year zero?
02:09:03.000
Didn't we just have a winter like a couple months ago, right?
02:09:10.000
Like, if you fucked up and you moved to Alaska, you're like, what is this bullshit?
02:09:18.000
You know how during the summer you forget what it's like to be cold?
02:09:22.000
They must have been like, they must have literally been like, ah, fuck, it's never going to be cold again.
02:09:26.000
Yo, you know what one of the dopest vampire movies ever is?
02:09:40.000
Josh Hartnett was one of the all-time greatest white Joshes.
02:10:00.000
Give me a fucking trailer for 30 days a night, Jimmy.
02:10:06.000
Vampires land in Alaska right when there's going to be no sun for 30 days.
02:10:16.000
30 Days a Night is the vampires that come into a town in Alaska.
02:10:19.000
Yeah, but there was another one in Vampires in Alaska.
02:10:29.000
You probably thought it was just your relatives.
02:11:50.000
It's time for me to release my hellhound, Doug Peterson.
02:12:09.000
I'm not gay, but when I was a young man, Hartnett was my guy.
02:12:14.000
Yeah, when I was a young man, I was like, that's the hottest guy possible.
02:12:30.000
When I was very young, it was JTT. He was on the cover of Tiger Bay.
02:12:42.000
If Jason Momoa is in the room, they all have to sit down.
02:13:10.000
You just stopped one quarter of the way through a beer.
02:13:24.000
That was 1947. Dudes were going over there and running up on the beach.
02:13:31.000
Just keep sending troops, eventually we'll get to those turrets.
02:13:35.000
Imagine requiring any of that from a 20-year-old kid today.
02:13:40.000
Requiring that from any of us, we would all go, for real, no.
02:13:49.000
Well, just the U-boat, seeing that Omaha Beach, and just seeing everybody get mowed down, you've got to go towards it.
02:13:56.000
That whole ship right there, and then the thing opens and they'll just...
02:14:02.000
Guys were getting gunned down as the thing dropped.
02:14:08.000
Those things, those fucking landers are something different, but I thought they were U-boats too.
02:14:12.000
How many American soldiers died in the Battle of Normandy?
02:14:32.000
So that was in World War II? Yeah, how many people died on Omaha Beach?
02:14:36.000
That's what the submarines looked like in World War II? Yeah, probably way less.
02:15:14.000
4,400 Allied troops were killed on D-Day itself.
02:15:19.000
Check out the Battle of Kursk, see how many people died.
02:15:22.000
Oh, this is fucking the downer section of the night.
02:15:41.000
The Red Army defenses held firm, but at a great cost of life.
02:15:47.000
All those specific numbers are still debated amongst historians.
02:15:49.000
It's estimated the Battle of Kursk caused around 800,000 Soviet casualties and 200,000 German casualties.
02:15:59.000
I think they lost more tanks than we lost people.
02:16:08.000
How many troops do you have where you're like, these are assets, we can lose about this many of them.
02:16:17.000
How many people were in the country at the time?
02:16:31.000
This sounds like you don't want Ukraine to win.
02:16:40.000
I don't like what you're doing with your glasses.
02:16:45.000
I want Ukraine to win, but I'll tell you what, Joe.
02:16:48.000
If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas, you know?
02:17:07.000
We can keep that thing going as long as we want.
02:17:41.000
I know, for real, obviously, it's horrific what happened, but...
02:17:53.000
We always wanted to go to the Maui Invitational, the college basketball tournament every year.
02:18:01.000
So this year I finally had enough money to be like, yo, we're doing it, bro.
02:18:12.000
Sure enough, they used a space laser and fucking ruined it.
02:18:43.000
There's wild conspiracy theories about what caused the- Really?
02:18:48.000
This is clearly a fire with a hurricane off the coast with wind.
02:18:51.000
Well, it's also this video of the power lines going down.
02:18:54.000
PG&E, these fucking cunts, never do any repairs.
02:18:57.000
I have no idea what their resources are, right?
02:19:01.000
I would imagine they're probably depleted after COVID like everybody else is, especially a place that relies entirely on people to show up.
02:19:10.000
You know, like, for tourism, what percentage is that of Maui's economy?
02:19:56.000
Pearl Harbor was probably around those casualties, too.
02:20:11.000
And then like a white guy who obviously had training.
02:20:15.000
And they just went at it in a bar and it was crazy.
02:20:22.000
A real fight is like dudes wrestling and be like...
02:20:25.000
If you're in Hawaii, there's a real good chance a lot of the guys that you're gonna run into at a bar know how to fight.
02:20:34.000
BJ Penn and Max Holloway, two of the greatest of all time.
02:20:42.000
There's always fights in the stands at UFC when a Hawaiian fights.
02:20:55.000
They hate the douchey whitey that comes in and fucks with their way of life.
02:21:12.000
Imagine what it's like if you're out of an island and people start just buying up chunks of your island.
02:21:15.000
And one fucking internet guy has a whole island.
02:21:27.000
No, he owns the whole fucking island, bro, but you could stay on his island.
02:21:37.000
If he was a real man, he wouldn't let up Four Seasons there.
02:21:44.000
I mean, that's a catch-22 because they hate all the whitey coming in, but they also bring in more whitey who spend money.
02:21:59.000
Well, it's a tough one, because, you know, slavery's horrible, but...
02:22:07.000
You know, slavery sucked, but we sure did get a lot of sugar and coffee.
02:22:16.000
The joke was that sugar and coffee is not worth the human...
02:22:24.000
The problem is if you're too fucked up to hear the begettings of jokes, you're like, wait, what?
02:22:30.000
I would just like to explain this for any, with a more critical eye.
02:22:47.000
Apparently there's more slaves today than there ever was when slavery was legal.
02:23:09.000
Who's the one guy that had a Nazi tattoo and he had his sleeve covered when he received an award?
02:23:17.000
He's the guy who played the piano with his dick.
02:23:28.000
Zelensky was a comic, and he played the piano with his dick.
02:23:55.000
The winner of this year's Killing Most Years Award.
02:24:01.000
A landslide repeat from 1943. What did they name before him?
02:24:09.000
I think the award was something they gave him at the beginning of the invasion, where everybody was on Ukraine's side.
02:24:18.000
Ukrainian Nazis were invited to Disney World by the Pentagon.
02:24:27.000
Liberal comedian Jon Stewart even honored a former hardcore Azov militant for his personal example.
02:24:35.000
I mean, there's a lot more they're not sharing the story.
02:24:41.000
And so he had it covered when he was receiving his award.
02:24:44.000
That's not a swastika tattoo, that's a dream catcher.
02:24:47.000
You don't see too many assies with fucking stuffed animals.
02:25:04.000
That would be a good way if I was a conspiracy theorist.
02:25:08.000
I would say I'd like to see the original photo, please.
02:25:13.000
This guy's got teddy bears and also he's a Nazi.
02:25:20.000
We sided with the Russians to defeat the Nazis.
02:25:23.000
Now we're siding with the Nazis to defeat the Russians.
02:25:26.000
So when he receives his award, he's got his left arm covered.
02:25:34.000
Somebody tried to bring his arm because they thought it was a Nazi thing and it wasn't.
02:25:37.000
It might be he's just like really into designs.
02:25:49.000
And it has, like, backwards swastikas all over the place.
02:25:54.000
If that guy's really a swastika guy, he's just fucking making a swastika.
02:26:03.000
That's a misinterpretation of what the first thing is.
02:26:05.000
Maybe he's just worried about the interpretation of it.
02:26:21.000
Found on piping and valves during construction projects at the state capitol.
02:26:35.000
Before they did all the bad things, they were making some cool shit.
02:26:52.000
Sounds like he's a little bit of a Hitler apologist.
02:27:02.000
Oh my god, it's American-made, and someone put a Nazi...
02:27:04.000
But it is the symbol for good luck, so it was...
02:27:16.000
Imagine if you had all your stock in swastikas.
02:27:30.000
It's like Corona during COVID. Stocks are going down.
02:27:40.000
It's like when Meryl Streep was like, Harvey's the greatest.
02:27:47.000
It's so funny to just be like, you're never going to believe this.
02:27:50.000
The worst fucking thing that's ever happened to people.
02:27:55.000
And that's your symbol and you put it on your pipes.
02:27:59.000
And then, like, ten years later, like, people are doing construction on houses and they know that you put these pipes in and there's swastikas on it.
02:28:08.000
And you're like, no, no, no, no, no, back then the swastika was good luck, guys!
02:28:17.000
Those were the same people who got beat up during 9-11.
02:28:23.000
Back then, how the fuck would you know if it was a symbol for good luck?
02:28:32.000
Where am I going to get a book in 1947 on what the fucking original meaning of the swastika?
02:28:41.000
How much digging do I have to do to find out the truth?
02:28:54.000
It used to be a fucking thing that some Shotokan karate guys would have on their geese.
02:29:22.000
In your mind, when you picture a swastika, you're like, I don't know.
02:29:42.000
So the German one, that's the German one, right?
02:29:52.000
You 100% see those kind of things when you're tripping.
02:30:01.000
You see infinite versions of that with squares and boxes and tubes and shit, but you see those kind of swirling, moving, geometric patterns.
02:30:16.000
I wonder if the origin of that was people tripping.
02:30:19.000
I wonder if the origin of that was someone eating mushrooms and seeing these wild, crazy patterns and saying, oh, that's good luck.
02:30:38.000
I've never seen a swastika while I'm tripping, but I've seen the geometric patterns like that.
02:30:43.000
I would certainly see how someone who had tripped before would think of that as a representation of what you see when you're tripping.
02:30:56.000
Because you know what it seems like it's it seems like it's got motion to it.
02:31:02.000
And that's like what you when you experience like when you're tripping and you experience like whatever the fuck you're seeing.
02:31:14.000
And that looks like, if I was going to have a two-dimensional drawing of something you could see where you're tripping balls, that's what it looks like.
02:31:23.000
It was a good luck thing for thousands of years.
02:31:35.000
The crazy thing is how good they were at engineering.
02:32:18.000
We used to live in the Lower East Side, me and my ex-girlfriend, and the Jews, they owned the building, I'm talking Hasidic, and he would come in to fix something.
02:32:28.000
It's so weird to see a rabbi with a beard like that, a yarmulke, the tassels, and a tool belt, and he would fix your plumbing, but he couldn't look at the girl.
02:32:44.000
You don't want some fucking jacked hot guy coming in.
02:32:48.000
And you're sitting there like a pussy where you're like, I don't know how to fix a shelf.
02:33:16.000
Look, it was good luck for thousands and thousands and thousands of years.
02:33:20.000
You really think that the Nazis are going to ruin forever?
02:33:27.000
That'd be like if the horseshoe all of a sudden became the symbol for killing Muslims or something.
02:33:49.000
Let me cum in your butt and then suck it out of your butt.
02:33:54.000
Anytime I see a rainbow, I think about sucking a guy's fucking dick and nuts.
02:33:57.000
So much of my cum or someone else's cum in your butt that I could suck out.
02:34:03.000
Well, remember, pride used to mean something else.
02:34:12.000
But doesn't the Bible say you shouldn't have pride?
02:34:21.000
Maybe that's how everybody got confused and thought that you shouldn't be gay.
02:34:32.000
That Norm Macdonald joke about that is so good.
02:34:42.000
He's the first of the McCluskeys to graduate from college.
02:34:46.000
He's like, here he is sucking a guy's dick, that's what I'm most proud about.
02:35:00.000
And I saw in it there were these old men and old ladies with these signs that said, we are proud of our gay son.
02:35:07.000
That's an odd thing to be proud of, you know, because it's not an achievement, you know?
02:35:11.000
It's not like something you work all your life to be gay or anything like that.
02:35:19.000
He graduated from Harvard, you know, and now he's articling over at a law firm and, oh yeah, he loves cock.
02:35:35.000
Did you ever see him do the one about the, More black people, it means more crime.
02:35:52.000
And he goes, wait, are you saying black people are richer than white people?
02:36:00.000
It was like a morning radio show when you had to do that to sell out a club.
02:36:03.000
He's just making intentionally combative points that are correct.
02:36:41.000
You go up to a building and they're like, yeah, you've got to teach all these kids math.
02:36:45.000
He's like, oh, do they want to learn about math?
02:36:51.000
It's just like, whoever's closest to the building, we're going to bring all the kids in.
02:37:00.000
If you see the beginning, I'm hugging him and Joe Lister.
02:37:05.000
This is at the Daughters of the American Revolution in D.C. He is the worst I don't recommend clapping at anything.
02:37:29.000
In a democracy, there's no more noble contribution you can make than to teach in a public school.
02:37:34.000
And in this country, the people that do that, they're fucking losers.
02:37:49.000
It's like, I know I'm going, guys, guys, oh my god, please stop.
02:37:55.000
This is 2017, pre-cancel, obviously, and me and Joe Liss would run out to do an open mic, and Louis would go with us.
02:38:03.000
Yeah, just do an open mic at like a bar in D.C. That's cool.
02:38:08.000
After filming a Netflix thing, you'd be like, where are you guys going?
02:38:16.000
And people went apeshit when he walked in, obviously.
02:38:21.000
But then you go out to eat with Louie, and you watch him eat, and you're like, oh, man.
02:38:31.000
We got, like, sweet tickets or something, and it was just all-you-can-eat.
02:38:38.000
But he goes, hey man, you're about to be grossed out by this.
02:39:06.000
Dude, I saw him one time in the cellar, and he was doing whatever, and he just stops, and there's crumbs on him.
02:39:17.000
He's a brilliant guy, but you're like, oh, wow.
02:39:33.000
Yeah, the Venn diagram of people with crumbs on them.
02:39:43.000
The smartest guys I know are always fucking disgusting.
02:39:53.000
Some guy at fucking Einstein's dining hall was like, that guy fucking sucks.
02:40:04.000
Imagine a scientist that looked like James Franco.
02:40:19.000
He smoked cigarette butts he picked off the street, son.
02:40:29.000
That motherfucker picked cigarette butts off the street and smoked them.
02:40:36.000
Well, it's like brilliant guys always have a, like, Norm Macdonald couldn't drive.
02:40:41.000
You know, like, they always have something missing.
02:40:43.000
That's why they're so smart, because they're not using that brain power for other shit.
02:40:45.000
I heard Norm used to ask people to go play tennis if they had cars, and on the way home from tennis, he'd be like, we should stop at the supermarket.
02:40:55.000
He's got a fucking squat rack and a fake race car.
02:41:20.000
Kurt just kind of sits on the side, just chimes in, talks shit.
02:41:28.000
He goes, before that, I never really considered how many of these things were real conspiracies that are real.
02:41:38.000
Yeah, because if you're bliss-free, ignorant, just running around, having a good time, living your life, same result kind of happens.
02:41:47.000
You're not going to shut down the CIA. And you're like, oh, fuck.
02:41:49.000
There's a period you go through where you're like, oh shit, I realize it's wrong.
02:41:55.000
And then you get over that and you're like, it'll never change.
02:42:01.000
But he thinks dinosaurs and people were hanging out.
02:42:12.000
He goes, I know this is lame, but I don't believe dinosaurs are real.
02:42:16.000
I guess that it's a joke, that's why I'm saying it, but I actually don't believe it.
02:42:23.000
Oh, I've talked to multiple people who don't believe dinosaurs are real.
02:42:36.000
Bro, we're not allowed to talk about sexuality?
02:42:39.000
There's nothing bad about being gay, so I can call people gay.
02:42:43.000
Now, you must be a bigot if you think that that's bad.
02:42:54.000
If I called Neil deGrasse Tyson a big fucking gay guy...
02:43:07.000
They think they're fucking fake bullshit from Jesus.
02:43:28.000
Oh, journalists, that you wanted to fucking believe in something.
02:43:31.000
Bro, I know people who have been on ranches when they found dinosaur bones.
02:43:55.000
Apparently there was some hoaxing going on by people that were claiming to have found dinosaur bones, but the hoax is not that dinosaur bones are real.
02:44:04.000
Because there's a bunch of shysters throughout history.
02:44:07.000
You said all dinosaur bones are replicas from China.
02:44:29.000
Oh, there's got to be someone out there that's an Anne Frank non-believer.
02:45:12.000
Helen Keller was the blind and deaf person who was fake.
02:45:20.000
She thought retarded people should be put down.
02:45:30.000
She thought retarded people were like, an abomination should be put down.
02:45:33.000
But imagine if Helen Keller's caretaker was someone like you.
02:45:36.000
Who gets into people's emails and sends fake emails.
02:45:44.000
Some caretaker's like, you guys are heaping all this praise on her, but let me tell you what she thinks about people with Down Syndrome.
02:46:26.000
So I was at Notre Dame, er, Notre Dame Navy this last week in Dublin.
02:46:42.000
I brought my father, which was very funny, to see.
02:47:07.000
Skin tight pants, fucking button down, no offense to him, coked out of his mind.
02:47:14.000
You've never seen someone this high in your life.
02:47:20.000
So we're sitting there drinking, he swipes all the beers off the corner of the bar, reaches over Brady Quinn's shoulder, and to me, he's like, big fucking fan man!
02:47:31.000
And Brady Quinn just gave one of these, like, fucking, who the fuck's this guy?
02:47:39.000
And the guy immediately was like, you don't fucking bump him.
02:47:47.000
We have to break up this fight for 20 fucking minutes.
02:47:50.000
I turn around, my father is back there going...
02:48:03.000
Phil would have died defending Brady Quinn in Dublin.
02:48:23.000
This guy's on a coke rant for like 15 minutes of just straight like, ah, fucking nah, nah.
02:48:29.000
That's Brady Quinn, so you can get it for reference.
02:48:34.000
This guy's full UFC. He's genuinely an MMA guy.
02:48:46.000
You're talking to him and he's like, yeah, fucking body shot, body shot, liver, liver, bang, straight to your fucking face.
02:48:57.000
You can't flinch to the body because then you'll literally get punched in the fucking face.
02:49:02.000
And then we're like, oh, we're going to get killed.
02:49:04.000
And he's like, ah, you're a fucking Nate Diaz guy, aren't you?
02:49:09.000
This guy's going to beat my ass in Dublin for being a Nate Diaz guy.
02:49:14.000
Anyway, the whole night, the guy leaves, everything's okay.
02:49:24.000
That fucking Irish guy just walks straight into the green room.
02:49:30.000
And Brady Quinn looks at me like, why would you invite this guy?
02:49:43.000
The whole time, he's still shadowboxing, still bothering everybody.
02:49:56.000
I'm like, dude, all the bars in Dublin close at midnight.
02:50:10.000
He's like, you know what we don't have in Dublin?
02:50:14.000
The next three people that walk by us are gay, interracial couples holding hands.
02:50:23.000
This guy, by the whole time, all he's been doing is trying to fight everybody.
02:50:28.000
We start to get to this bar, and he kind of is like, let's go to that bar.
02:50:41.000
Just a bald, fat bouncer walks out and is like, you.
02:50:51.000
This whole time he's been like, I'll fucking knock out anybody.
02:50:59.000
The whole time he was like, let's go to another bar.
02:51:02.000
The second we get to this bar, five bouncers swarm and start wailing.
02:51:12.000
He gets his ass beat, he's bloody, he's split open.
02:51:14.000
He gets out of all five of them, runs down the alley, and then turns and looks at all of them and goes...
02:51:29.000
Anyway, that was the best guy I've ever met in my life.
02:51:50.000
I met beer on a fucking speaker and it fell off and they go nuts.
02:51:56.000
All you have to do is hit a fucking up the rah.
02:51:59.000
Anytime they're giving you an applause break, go up the rah.
02:52:07.000
Wow, you're getting political in another country?
02:52:18.000
Belfast, you know, Northern Ireland for the UFC once, and they had these cars that are covered in like steel plates.
02:52:31.000
I don't know what they were doing, like what kind of bombs they were using, but I know that they had armor-plated cars.
02:52:41.000
It just shows that anybody will fight anybody, any difference.
02:52:46.000
It's just like, oh, you're a Protestant, I'm Catholic, we'll kill you.
02:53:12.000
It was a country where only white Christian Catholics and white Christian Protestants Racism will find a way.
02:53:30.000
Human beings are always going to find something.
02:53:40.000
Yeah, you're not one of us, you're not like us.
02:53:59.000
Alt comics, if I can, regular real comics are going at it.
02:54:12.000
Their whole thing was they made fun of doing stand-up.
02:54:21.000
That whole thing of delivering a joke, dumb, on purpose.
02:54:25.000
Can you believe this thing I'm writing and saying?
02:54:28.000
Yeah, how about you stand behind it, you queef?
02:54:34.000
It's too hard, and I have too much plastic in my system.
02:54:52.000
All the writers now and the actors are like, oh, there's a strike.
02:54:56.000
And it's like, bitch, you've taken 15 years off.
02:55:18.000
Yeah, I mean, you see that Norm clip, you're like, I want to be that guy.
02:55:25.000
You're having fun, they're having fun, we're all having fun together doing shows.
02:55:28.000
Imagine just being an actor and be like, oh, I think this, but I can't say it.
02:55:33.000
Yeah, let me try to find a role that kind of aligns with my views.
02:55:39.000
It feels like a lot of them are starting to crack a little.
02:55:46.000
Meanwhile, going bad is just like, I'm a Republican.
02:55:58.000
Where she said, like, hey, we gotta chill out, this is getting out of hand.
02:56:07.000
Damn, Jennifer Lawrence would be the hottest Nazi.
02:56:19.000
I'd like to see a little Mel Gibson Stylin' action.
02:56:36.000
She looks like a number one guy in the country and you want that.
02:56:44.000
Yeah, the one just to the right of that, the one all the way on the right of that?
02:57:13.000
Like, the end of World War II years has got to be like president years times 100. Look how scared she is.
02:57:25.000
And in the beginning, the parents were probably proud.
02:57:33.000
It is weird that they have to have small talk at dinner, like, oh, cold out.
02:57:36.000
Hopefully he will make good decisions for our country.
02:57:56.000
Not just to be funny, but also take a strong stance.
02:57:59.000
Look into Hitler, you're going to find out how big of a fucking tool that guy was.
02:58:03.000
He only ate vegetables and he farted all the time.
02:58:10.000
Yeah, that's about as fucking lame as a good time in society.
02:58:13.000
Those dudes kill a lot of people like painting.
02:58:34.000
Right now he's just starting to use liquid cocaine intravenously.
02:58:39.000
He was like, some of these Jews are good tailors.
02:58:54.000
Imagine if Duncan is what Hitler would have been with the right parents and the right upbringing.
02:59:08.000
He really did have only one testicle, German researcher claims.
02:59:11.000
But that's what I would say too once he's dead.
02:59:17.000
If Duncan went through World War I, maybe he'd be a little different.
02:59:27.000
Ideally, you'd have both of them in there to protect you from nut shots.
02:59:48.000
You know, one of the things they found out with monkeys is that the size of their testicles is directly attributable to how many promiscuous females are in the area.
03:00:07.000
Hitler himself believed to have two forms of- what happened?
03:00:16.000
An undescended testicle and a rare condition called penile hypos...
03:00:21.000
...in which the urethra opens up on the underside of the penis.
03:00:42.000
He shit in his mouth while he's sucking his own dick.
03:00:59.000
We don't have to make up lies about his dick later.
03:01:20.000
The mustache was the worst thing he's ever done.
03:01:30.000
And the other guy, Charlie Chaplin, had the best chance of keeping it going.
03:01:37.000
But people forgot about Charlie because of the mustache, I think.
03:01:42.000
New Jersey couple loses custody of a son named Adolf Hitler.
03:02:05.000
The thing to imagine, no one's really like that, that's actually these people.
03:02:15.000
If they're not in jail, you can grab them and fucking get a sample.
03:02:20.000
Their kids' rooms are decorated with posters with no frames.
03:02:35.000
Children were strapped to their booster seats for unusually long periods of time amid ongoing domestic violence.
03:02:42.000
Sammy, you stay in here Me and my dad gotta beat on each other for a little bit.
03:02:52.000
That's the real problem with calling everybody you disagree with a Nazi.
03:03:08.000
It seems they're pretty fucking committed to it, naming their kids after it.
03:03:12.000
You can't just assume without knowing them that they're not, like, homicidal fucking maniacs, too.
03:03:17.000
A smart Nazi wouldn't name their kid, hey, we're Nazis.
03:03:22.000
I'm not saying they're smart, but they might be real.
03:03:24.000
I think they're retards, but they're not going to do anything.
03:03:28.000
The government was instantly, everybody in the community was like, uh, no.
03:03:33.000
You're obviously a bad parent if you're even trying that.
03:03:37.000
Well, it's also strapping the kids to the booster seats while they beat the fuck out of each other.
03:03:52.000
How come everyone's like trans is mentally problematic, but like Nazis, they're like, no, they've made the decision.
03:04:16.000
For real, if you're a dude today with holding up a swastika, like, on the side of a highway.
03:04:28.000
Or some people will pull over and beat the fuck out of you.
03:04:31.000
But that's just a guy with Tourette's who has the N-word instead of dumb guy.
03:04:49.000
Well, that's how they enter the Salem Witch Trials.
03:04:52.000
Because these two women just kept calling out everybody, like, they're witches, they're witches, and eventually they were, they're witches, and the people just kept walking.
03:05:07.000
Can you imagine how nice it would be to fuck a chick and be like, nah, fucking kill her.
03:05:11.000
I don't want that secret getting out, blame that lady.
03:05:21.000
You know what the cause of that stuff was, right?
03:05:30.000
There was an early frost, and sometimes when they have an early frost, they'll have high concentrations of ergot, which is a psychedelic chemical.
03:05:45.000
And ergot poisoning can kill you, but it can also make you trip balls.
03:05:48.000
So it's very similar, apparently, to LSD. So these people were drinking beer and eating bread.
03:05:55.000
And getting fucked up, taking some soup, and then your wife flies out the window.
03:06:04.000
Can we replace Stone Ape Theory that we've heard for 20 years with this new fact?
03:06:11.000
It's real similar because this is like, you know, when I was in Greece recently, I told you about this, right?
03:06:22.000
Yeah, and the site of the Eleusinian Mysteries.
03:06:26.000
That's where they were doing these psychedelics.
03:06:28.000
And this is what Brian Murrow Rescu's book, The Immortality Key, is about.
03:06:31.000
So we go to this place where they invented democracy.
03:06:35.000
And they did it, most likely, while they were tripping balls.
03:06:39.000
It's just very funny to admit or invent democracy.
03:06:42.000
Be like, look, maybe everybody in this room should decide what we do.
03:06:46.000
Maybe we can have a fucking system where everyone gets an equal say.
03:06:53.000
Well, how does that exist without tripping balls?
03:06:59.000
And Joe's like, but yeah, I could kick you guys.
03:07:07.000
And no one who's not tripping balls is going to come up with a system like that.
03:07:10.000
And that's our number one problem with politicians today is no one trips balls.
03:07:17.000
None of these people are trippers, so none of these people have this idea.
03:07:27.000
Joe, you should get every presidential candidate in here and trip fucking balls.
03:07:35.000
Who would you like to do mushrooms with the most?
03:07:42.000
Yeah, but if you were going to do mushrooms, like do a breakthrough dose, a giant dose with one president, who would it be?
03:08:10.000
W would break down and go, holy shit, I killed a million people.
03:08:16.000
If you tripped, they would be marching to a Pink Floyd song.
03:08:28.000
If you've got some secret like that in the back of your head, you are just trying to paint fucking pictures of a dog, and meanwhile your administration was responsible for How many unnecessary deaths?
03:08:47.000
If you're Obama and you go like, hey man, so when you had this plan going in and then like what you did going out, did that like bug you at all?
03:09:09.000
I think he's a very smart guy, and I think the only way to be successful as a president is you have to run that game the way everybody runs that game.
03:09:18.000
You try bucking the trend, you get the Trump treatment, so you get that old Trump treatment.
03:09:31.000
Dude, Bob Dylan's thinking about the same shit that's happening now.
03:09:41.000
But they're like, there's an incriminate crime.
03:09:51.000
You can't charge them for it because it's not illegal, but Jesus Christ, what are you doing?
03:09:55.000
And they're the ones controlling whether it's illegal, and it's like, oh, fuck.
03:09:58.000
They also burn stock when they know that they're going to pass decisions.
03:10:05.000
It's a fucking crooked system you're entering into.
03:10:17.000
I don't want Trump to win just because I don't want to talk about Trump for the next four years and have people complain.
03:10:22.000
He likes Biden better because I don't have to talk about it as much.
03:10:34.000
She knew about something and she goes, I'm investing anyway.
03:10:41.000
After you signed your Spotify deal, on every podcast, I was like, yeah, he told me he was going to sign it, so I invested most of my money in it.
03:10:50.000
If you think I even know who to call to invest, you're crazy.
03:10:56.000
Obama, two terms, he has a Spotify podcast, cancelled.
03:11:02.000
Would it have been insider trading if I bought Spotify stock?
03:11:14.000
One of the founders of the company, Dr. Samuel Waxall, was arrested for advising friends and family members to sell the stock the other way before the FDA made the announcement and the stock price dropped in price.
03:11:26.000
Why would it be weird for you or illegal for you to say, oh, I'm about to join this company.
03:11:43.000
It's obvious in retrospect, but by the time, there was no guarantee that would go up.
03:11:48.000
And no one expected it to do better than it did on the other platforms.
03:11:53.000
Yeah, people were like, hey, that's a bad idea.
03:11:57.000
It ended up being way better, but it wasn't a guaranteed thing.
03:11:59.000
So why would it be illegal for you to go, I'm going to...
03:12:08.000
Well I made over 7.2 million dollars investing in that.
03:12:17.000
When people ask me to invest in things, I'm like, uh-uh.
03:12:26.000
I am not interested in thinking about anything other than the things I enjoy.
03:12:31.000
I don't like any sort of structure like that, where you're just constantly thinking about a bunch of different businesses.
03:12:39.000
During the investigations of ImClone, authorities discovered that Martha Stewart had sold 4,000 shares of ImClone stock she owned the day before the FDA decision was announced, avoiding a loss of around $45,000.
03:12:54.000
Why don't you just charge her $45,000, you fucking cunts.
03:12:57.000
Why you got to put her in jail, you fucking assholes?
03:13:00.000
And meanwhile, how much money did fucking Congress make insider trading and you put poor old Martha Stewart away for 45 grand?
03:13:16.000
She went to jail, but now she's back and doing shit with Snoop Dogg.
03:13:19.000
She ended up having to pay $195,000 as a person.
03:13:28.000
But really, if it's only 45 grand, you're really supposed to just take that hit on the stock market.
03:13:35.000
Like, 45 grand to Martha Stewart, that's a wealthy lady.
03:13:38.000
I'm sure she doesn't give a fuck about the 45 grand.
03:13:45.000
Yeah, well, this is why somebody went in with a hammer at a Pelosi's house.
03:14:20.000
No, he was just trying to like, hey, everything's good.
03:14:34.000
If that guy hits you in the head with a hammer...
03:14:38.000
Yeah, but that guy wasn't in any good shape either.
03:14:43.000
Two hands on the hammer, even if it's someone who's weaker than you.
03:14:48.000
He's just struggling with him immediately if the cops jump in and separate it.
03:14:52.000
The cops were like, yo, what the fuck is his hand on?
03:14:59.000
Imagine being lit out of your fucking mind and just enjoying a Netflix show.
03:15:11.000
How many of you guys have seen people get knocked out and snore?
03:15:17.000
And to see it from a guy that old is really scary.
03:15:20.000
That's an old man that got hit in the head with a fucking hammer.
03:15:34.000
She was snoring and I was like, oh shit, she's dead.
03:15:46.000
How many times have you seen people fall and faceplant on Instagram?
03:15:49.000
She, dude, from the top of the steps fell, and there's a wall at the foot of the steps, and her head hit the wall.
03:16:00.000
She was eating some Oreos and drinking some red wine.
03:16:08.000
And my sister looked at me and was like, you gotta give her mouth to mouth.
03:16:15.000
There was just one moment where I looked at her mouth and she was like...
03:16:20.000
I was like, for real, somebody else is doing that.
03:16:23.000
I was like, my mother's life, I thought for real, I thought she was dying and I was still like...
03:16:31.000
I'll tell you, speaking of not, I made a lot of money on O'Malley.
03:16:35.000
What the fuck does that have to do with my mom?
03:16:37.000
Jesus Christ, what does that have to do with his mom?
03:16:46.000
She's gonna be mad about me saying this on this podcast.
03:17:09.000
It was kind of sad to hear my father, like, that horse, you know what I mean?
03:17:16.000
The ambulance came, and she had already woken up by then.
03:17:19.000
And everyone was surrounding her, like, you alright?
03:17:28.000
She's like, I'm just really embarrassed you guys are here, but my hand hurts.
03:17:37.000
Yeah, she was going for an Oreo and fell down the steps.
03:17:45.000
Did you guys see Rose Namajunas' broken finger from her last fight?
03:17:53.000
I've seen two different guys' legs go this week.
03:17:55.000
Pull it up, JMO! One Russian guy and one another guy.
03:18:23.000
Jamie, show him the Louisville basketball player's femur shot during the takedown.
03:18:48.000
This is the first real leg break in the wrong place.
03:19:20.000
They changed it at no name so he could win the Heismann.
03:19:40.000
No UFC fighter other than Anderson Silva's had multiple fights with having that surgery and been successful.
03:19:55.000
Like Chris Weidman, there was a lot of hope for Chris Weidman, but he looked like he was having troubles.
03:20:01.000
It's hard to say how much effort was Brad Tavares, who's a bad motherfucker.
03:20:06.000
85, Theismann suffered a compound fracture of the tibia and the fibula in his right leg when he was sacked by Lyme.
03:20:17.000
Shout out to WTEM. I think it's a real hard one to break and come back from.
03:20:24.000
Tyrone Spong broke it in a kickboxing match against Gokhan Saki.
03:20:28.000
I bet you still sort of feel it every time you plant.
03:20:44.000
And he's come back, and he's done some boxing, and I think he did one MMA fight, but I don't know how many kicks he threw.
03:20:55.000
It's just, I think that leg bone down there is just real vulnerable, man.
03:21:01.000
And when they put it back together again, I don't think it's ever quite the same.
03:21:22.000
That makes you just want to lay down for the rest of your life.
03:21:25.000
Isn't that so crazy, like, how weird your body's so vulnerable?
03:21:31.000
He's probably done that a hundred thousand times.
03:21:47.000
I got kicked with a heel that dug right into that thing, and I had a hairline fracture of it.
03:22:22.000
And for one guy to be involved in two of those in his whole career, it's kind of nuts.
03:22:31.000
JFK was shot in the Lincoln, but Lincoln was shot at Kennedy Theater.
03:22:40.000
Kennedy drove a Ford, and Ford fucked Lincoln, who killed...
03:22:49.000
I thought if anybody was gonna have a real good shot at coming back, it was gonna be Weidman.
03:22:56.000
If anybody figures it out, it might be Weidman.
03:23:05.000
Oh yeah, you're going to want headphones for that.
03:23:08.000
They had an assistant named Kennedy, they had an assistant named Lincoln.
03:23:29.000
Hey, what's the greatest bullshit story before the internet?
03:23:44.000
I like that one, but I don't know if I drove you on that.
03:24:12.000
Yeah, and when he went out, they're like, we'll expose you.
03:24:19.000
In Scientology, you've got to reveal all your darker shit.
03:24:21.000
Okay, we know that, but was Richard Gere a Scientologist?
03:24:23.000
Yeah, but even if he did the Buddhist movie, and he became a Buddhist, and right after that, it came out.
03:24:32.000
So wait, do you think he actually shoved a germ up in that?
03:24:38.000
According to that theory, he's like, let me tell you everything I've done.
03:24:40.000
I thought they made it up to smear him because he left.
03:24:46.000
It'd be like if you were like, I actually did get the vaccine.
03:24:58.000
Shout out to CIA dude, they're giving me fifty fucking thousand dollars.
03:25:01.000
If you're not getting vaccinated, it's literally like holding a loaded gun to someone's head.
03:25:07.000
And you can get a free Shake Shack from de Blasio if you get a booster.
03:25:14.000
Well, yeah, that was the first viral before viral.
03:25:35.000
He's probably the number one reason why new people walk through the door.
03:25:39.000
I want to be that fucking guy from Mission Impossible.
03:26:08.000
I think if he was a Catholic, you'd fucking love him.
03:26:16.000
Richard Gere is one of the most outspoken religious celebrities and religious choices in Buddhism.
03:26:20.000
Gere was raised in a Methodist home and studied philosophy in his short-lived college stint, but it seems religion is always interested in him, but it became enraptured with Buddhism on trip to Nepal in the late 70s.
03:26:31.000
No, no, you've got to look up Scientology in Richard Gere.
03:26:34.000
Dan, it sucks you get so hot, you've got to become Buddhist.
03:26:37.000
First, a list comes up that says there's people that quit, and then he wasn't on the list.
03:27:05.000
If he dabbled in Scientology and then left, that might have been enough.
03:27:30.000
I was watching an infomercial in 1994 and they had that Dianetics book.
03:27:38.000
I thought, oh, how to fucking improve your life.
03:27:42.000
So I order it and bro, they never stop sending me shit.
03:27:57.000
They're like, well, if you showed a moment of witness, we'll get you.
03:28:01.000
Every time I'd get the mail, it'd be like, more shit from Scientology, more invitations to conferences.
03:28:06.000
This is the same way I am with your dumb fucking ivermectin recommendation.
03:28:15.000
Sylvester Stallone thinks that Richard Gere is still mad at him for starting that whole gerbil in that, well, you know story.
03:28:22.000
Stallone has denied it, though, but that's as far as some research.
03:28:27.000
It says, Gere believes it's Sly, who started the ridiculous urban legend about Gere and the gerbil.
03:28:34.000
Gere and Stallone were on the set of the 1974 Lords of the Flatbush, and the two actors got into a tiff over lunch one day.
03:28:41.000
Something about chicken grease, Sly's thigh, and a hot dog, whereupon Stallone emboweled him.
03:28:52.000
The tension between the two actors became so fevered that Gere got kicked off the film, which still angers him today.
03:29:00.000
Apparently to this day he seriously dislikes me, says Sly, who adds for the record that it did not start the rodent rumor.
03:29:06.000
Hey, you know, he shoved a fucking dribble up his butt.
03:29:09.000
I just want to say, for the record, I didn't start that rumor.
03:29:23.000
That rumor made it to me in Boston and made it to Eddie Bravo in L.A. Me and Maryland.
03:29:36.000
If they started to worry about you or that you're gay, it wouldn't catch on.
03:29:41.000
But if it's always like, oh, it caught on, it's like, because that's a gay guy.
03:29:46.000
If it's like, oh, this guy did this, it doesn't catch on.
03:29:50.000
I gotta be honest with you guys, me and Jamie kissed at the mothership last night.
03:29:56.000
I grabbed him by the back of his fucking hair and we kissed.
03:30:12.000
Knowing that the body of your enemy really did fly by in the water.
03:30:30.000
For real, though, if that argument was just them in a fight and then Sly went around telling everybody that he shoved a gerbil up his ass, that's genius.
03:30:39.000
That's so smart that I don't think Sylvester Strung did it.
03:30:56.000
There's also a National Enquirer gossip columnist said he'd never worked harder in his life trying to confirm that story.
03:31:02.000
Nothing more than an urban legend referring to not only the Richard Gere story, but gerbling as a whole.
03:31:37.000
While it's colloquially called gerbiling, the actual name for it from a medical mental health point of view is formacophilia, which involves not just gerbils but other kinds of small critters as well.
03:31:50.000
This is a form of bestiality which essentially deals with things crawled on you or in you.
03:31:56.000
When we started this, I saw a video of a snake being pulled out of someone's body.
03:32:03.000
Dude, this is better than any fucking Eric Weinstein podcast.
03:32:05.000
If you were a girl, wouldn't you want a snake inside of you?
03:32:15.000
You're like, you're not getting up, motherfucker.
03:32:20.000
Just tape that little mouth up so it's not eating your insides out.
03:32:23.000
Just fucking solid secure it and Should we take the mouth off?
03:32:52.000
I'm gonna be like a 90-year-old grizzled old lady with a fucking house full of snakes.
03:33:47.000
Medieval time, they were like closer to ponies.
03:33:58.000
Steve Rinella pointed out to me, they're like church bells.
03:34:02.000
By the way, I was just fucking around about fucking those horses.
03:34:07.000
All horses came from North America, but then they all got wiped out, but they had already taken them to other countries.
03:34:14.000
So all the horses, yeah, they all started out in America.
03:34:21.000
And then they got reintroduced by the Europeans.
03:34:39.000
But they had already gotten them across the Bering Strait, Eurasia, on boats.
03:34:43.000
They had gotten horses to these other countries.
03:34:46.000
So horses, in a lot of places where they were using horses, horses didn't come from there.
03:34:54.000
Tens of thousands of years of what we're talking about.
03:35:04.000
But then they came back after Columbus was back, post-Columbia.
03:35:08.000
The earliest recognized ancestors of the horses, here it is, Eopipigasakendu, fucking whatever that word is, Angustidens, known as the Dawn Horse, a small North American animal, amount the size of a fox which lives in forests and ate fruits,
03:35:27.000
Yeah, over the following tens of millions of years horse ancestors grew in size as grasslands expanded around 20 million years ago So they think that they a lot of them died off You know like I think around the same time is like what was the year that they died off in them in North America around 10,000 years ago They think it was a part of the whole Younger Dryas impact and all the the the the idea that Most of North America's wildlife,
03:35:53.000
like 65% of it got wiped out around 11,000 years ago.
03:35:56.000
Including saber-toothed tigers, all these woolly mammoths, everything got wiped out.
03:36:11.000
It's the Graham Hancock, Randall Carlson shit, the end of civilization.
03:36:29.000
And so did other parts of the world got pounded.
03:36:42.000
They were just on the field against DCU. Yeah, Buffalo Bill Burr.
03:36:49.000
What's the difference between a bison and a buff?
03:37:02.000
Because I've eaten bison meat, but I've eaten a buffalo wing.
03:37:19.000
Yeah, they had fucking North American cheetahs.
03:37:30.000
Anybody that's like, hey, 55 million years ago, I go, dude, shut the fuck up.
03:37:37.000
I went on safari, and those elephants, we saw lions, we saw cheetah, we saw leopards.
03:37:51.000
You could see them just pushing up against a tree, and the roots are coming up.
03:37:58.000
I watched an elephant absolutely buttfuck a rhino.
03:38:16.000
I'm not saying all of them, but I know they definitely did set some fights up.
03:38:20.000
Yeah, they used to put a bear and a tiger together, and then film it, and let them both out, and then film it.
03:38:33.000
That there was some place that was taken, they took a bear and a tiger, and they released them together to watch them fight.
03:38:45.000
Supposedly, that's the whole deal with all that fucking rhino tea.
03:38:49.000
It's like super elite people like to be able to drink shit that's completely forbidden.
03:38:55.000
They don't even really believe it gives you bones.
03:38:56.000
So just like, no one's supposed to have this, but I got some.
03:39:10.000
With an adult tiger face off with a sloth bear.
03:39:32.000
I've watched a video of a sloth bear killing a guy.
03:39:49.000
Would you feel better if you were killed by a beautiful grizzly?
03:39:53.000
I mean, the grizzly would at least fucking- Yeah, just go quick.
03:40:05.000
Well, if he was holding me down and tearing me apart, I would be upset about it.
03:40:15.000
But wouldn't that be a great way to sell tickets?
03:40:25.000
I used to say that when I was hosting Fear Factor, but we're about four years away from the Running Man.
03:40:33.000
I think we might have talked about it before, but how sick is it that they used to...
03:40:47.000
The costume you could fill with water, and then they would have boat fights, and fill the water with crocodiles.
03:40:53.000
How gangster did you have to be to catch a crocodile back then with no guns?
03:41:20.000
It's like engineers have actually studied it, and the floor lowers and raises so that animals can come through the floor.
03:41:26.000
Yeah, there's like the really sophisticated system that they had, where they had animals in cages for the games underneath, and they would lift them up through the floor, and everybody would cheer.
03:41:36.000
And what's crazy is, the really baller people would be in the fucking front row, and they would get jacked by the tiger.
03:41:44.000
So they had to raise the wall, because people were getting jacked.
03:41:51.000
It'd be like going to a UFC match and then a guy jumps out and starts whooping your ass.
03:41:57.000
We're all holding hands trying to keep the horse gripping back.
03:42:01.000
Do you remember that zoo in San Francisco where the kids were throwing pine cones at the tiger and the tiger jumped over a 14-foot fence?
03:42:12.000
These kids were throwing pine cones at this fucking tiger.
03:42:19.000
And this motherfucker jumped over the 14-foot high fence.
03:42:31.000
I think that was just a random day at the zoo where some dude's got killed.
03:42:41.000
Holy shit, would you know you provoked that fucking thing?
03:42:45.000
You know how scary that thing looked while it was flying in the air?
03:43:05.000
Victims taunted Tiger for a killed zoo visitor.
03:43:12.000
His brother was 23 and a friend was 17. They died in the tragedy.
03:43:19.000
That tiger's like, yeah, whatever, man, I did it.
03:43:26.000
It's crazy, because it could have jumped over that wall at any time.
03:43:28.000
According to an affidavit at hand by the San Francisco Chronicle, the trio stood on top of a three-foot railing, but had not thrown anything into the pen to provoke the cat.
03:43:41.000
Toxicology tests showed that Wally had been twice the legal alcohol limit for driving.
03:43:45.000
Damn, they got high and drunk and fucked with a tiger?
03:43:48.000
They taunted, agitated by its eventual victims.
03:43:51.000
Police believe this factor contributed to the tiger escaping from its enclosure and attacking the victims.
03:43:59.000
Just young, imagine if that's your kid, just some young, dumb kid with his friends, fucking off.
03:44:05.000
He's the one 23-year-old loser, and he's probably starting it all.
03:44:21.000
It's just funny, his name, his parents were probably like, watch out, tigers will get you.
03:44:26.000
You ever see how far those motherfuckers can jump?
03:44:34.000
You ever see the guy on an elephant that gets jacked by the tiger?
03:44:43.000
They had razor blades for claws, and they weighed, you know, 600 pounds, flying through the air, just slashing at you.
03:45:07.000
I love seeing the elephants in the background like, oh, oh!
03:45:11.000
Because the cats know they're trying to kill them.
03:45:15.000
Dude, there's a place called the Sundarbans, where over the last 200 years, hundreds of thousands of people...
03:45:54.000
On safari, the rhinos, they find the ones that kill people.
03:46:03.000
You heard that old tale about the guy who would help an old man, you know, and he would go over to his house every day, feed him, hang out with him a little bit, you know, and then one day, he knocked on the old man's door, no answer.
03:46:26.000
So he gets his shoulder in there and he's doing a running start.
03:46:42.000
Once a dog gets a taste of human flesh, it's over.
03:47:19.000
Guess what they're closest related to in the Mammoth family.
03:47:31.000
There's a hippo documentary on Amazon I was watching.
03:47:46.000
We do that with every animal that's terrifying.
03:47:48.000
Yeah, but they, like, when they fight each other, they spray shit at each other.
03:48:07.000
It's probably nature's figuring out a way to get them to spray their shit.
03:48:10.000
No, but they do it, like, face-to-face in water.
03:48:24.000
It's going to be me tomorrow on the flight home.
03:48:30.000
You die, you come back, you get to live as every organism on Earth.
03:48:39.000
Yeah, even the crocodiles get the fuck out of the hippos.
03:48:47.000
All those African safari things where they go down the river and the hippo's like, oh, we're going for it.
03:48:52.000
Yeah, when the hippo's in the water chasing a boat, it's the scariest.
03:49:24.000
If you were running away from that, that would be a problem.
03:49:27.000
If you had to run away from that, that's a problem.
03:50:28.000
It actually does not look that fast in that video.
03:50:34.000
There's some other ones where they're actually chasing a boat.
03:50:36.000
I think they take boats out every now and then too.
03:51:36.000
The one that was jumping up and down was the one that freaked me out.
03:51:43.000
They can pick up probably a lot of speed doing that.
03:52:16.000
This guy, he's like, we got too many cats on the team.
03:52:20.000
We got guys looking in the mirror like, oh, I look pretty.
03:52:24.000
Trying to get our two boys ready to carry them to the golf tournament.
03:52:32.000
We need to get a new screen door, but the screen's broke.
03:52:34.000
So you come in through the screen, but you can't get back out of it.
03:52:37.000
I turn and look, there's a little kitty cat in our kitchen.
03:52:40.000
So I said, what are you doing in here, little kitty cat?
03:52:43.000
By that time, the cat turns, tries to get back out.
03:53:40.000
His son's a fucking quarterback that can throw.
03:54:45.000
I shoot arrows out in the heat three hours a day sometimes.
03:54:49.000
Me and Egan went to see the Pixies out in the Coliseum here.
03:55:04.000
It was the hottest city on earth here for two days.
03:55:24.000
Don't point at him and look away like that, dude.
03:55:46.000
This is when I go into my climate change is not real rant.
03:56:01.000
Turns out science can be wrong a little bit sometimes.
03:56:07.000
They said that the real scary thing is global cooling.
03:56:25.000
Listen, it's all dependent upon who you talk to.
03:56:27.000
Because at some point in Earth's history, there were no polarized caps.
03:56:40.000
That's the thing about the whole climate thing.
03:56:43.000
It's never like the climate's always gonna be this.
03:56:48.000
It's like never in the history of the earth been steady.
03:56:52.000
If you look at charts and graphs, the question is like how much are people influencing it?
03:57:03.000
Also, it's greener now than it's ever been before.
03:57:18.000
The thing I heard was there's more trees in Canada than there are stars in the galaxy.
03:57:53.000
I'm going to go ahead and say nobody actually counted those.
03:58:15.000
Canada's forests account for 30% of the world's forests.
03:59:12.000
Oh, 318. What's that island in Canada off Alaska?
03:59:27.000
Have you guys ever seen that documentary, Happy People, Life in the Taiga?
03:59:34.000
Oh my god, it's a fucking amazing Werner Herzog documentary about people who live in Siberia.
03:59:39.000
I will not show you the tape of him getting killed.
03:59:53.000
The greatest unintentional comedy in the history of the world.
04:00:11.000
So he's walking around with a camera going, I'm not gay.
04:00:25.000
He goes from like, this is cute, and then he gets really mad.
04:00:30.000
He's just a gay guy screaming at a fox in the middle of nowhere.
04:00:33.000
The fox stole his hat and took it into his den, and he can't get it.
04:00:38.000
But it's funny that the fox became like his friend, like legitimately like a dog, man.
04:01:57.000
And you think this is the worst part of your trip.
04:02:06.000
Didn't he have a babe with him when he got fucking munched?
04:02:10.000
He was calling in babes, and he was like, yo, check this shit out.
04:02:13.000
Yeah, he had a lady with him, and she got killed too.
04:02:19.000
She was apparently on video, or, you know, the lens cap was on it, but it was running, and she was apparently, like, hitting the bear with, like, a frying pan.
04:02:35.000
I mean, she, and they killed, apparently the video is, the audio, rather, is really long.
04:02:44.000
There's a fake audio that's out there, but the real one is apparently pretty long.
04:03:08.000
So she's playing it for him, and I don't even know if she had ever listened to it.
04:03:27.000
It's just so crazy that this guy thought he could live with bears.
04:03:34.000
I love how this lady's legacy is the dude she dumped because he was gay.
04:03:39.000
She was like, that's not who my personality is.
04:04:37.000
What do you think they're going to do with all that situation with people's land there?
04:05:23.000
Come on, you have to do it in one shot, or you hate Ukraine.
04:06:00.000
A little swig, but may as well do it if you're gonna do it, though.
04:06:35.000
This is a video titled, The Only the Best Part of Freebird.
04:07:02.000
The greatest thing to ever come out of Florida.
04:07:51.000
Joe Biden, get your old ass out of the way, dude.
04:07:57.000
Notre Dame, dude, win a national title, dude, fuck!
04:08:09.000
Dude, how fun could you guys be if Notre Dame won a national title?
04:08:32.000
This might have been going through Grizzly Man's head at the end.
04:09:45.000
It's one of the only songs ever where the music is better than the song.
04:10:23.000
Jesus, this guitar's got smoke coming off of it.
04:10:53.000
God damn, I didn't know you guys had this in you.
04:11:00.000
Imagine being the Rolling Stones, you gotta follow these guys.
04:11:06.000
They weren't supposed to go out on the tongue, and they're like, fuck this, we're going out on the tongue.
04:12:24.000
And he goes, well, that's not the order we have.
04:12:26.000
It's somebody huge, then you, then the Rolling Stones.
04:12:31.000
He gets down the block, and he comes back, and he goes, actually, you know what?
04:12:39.000
And he's like, I'll put it on the show I've ever put on my life.
04:12:49.000
You're talking about James Brown, the Rolling Stones?
04:12:50.000
They went on second to last, and they were like, do that.
04:13:38.000
You're some British guy in a sweater, turtleneck.
04:14:37.000
When Ali fought George Foreman, James Brown opened up the show.
04:14:56.000
The beginning of the downfall of Hunter Thompson.
04:15:00.000
Because Hunter Thompson went there and didn't want to watch Muhammad Ali get beat up.
04:15:04.000
And so he stayed in his hotel and just drank and floated around in the pool with a Nixon mask on.
04:15:12.000
He got sent over there by Rolling Stones and missed the greatest...
04:15:15.000
Yeah, but he come back over to watch the Bunker motorcycle rally.
04:15:37.000
If you will, let's all welcome the world's guard for the cold.
04:16:44.000
You had to be an athlete to do what he does on stage.
04:17:24.000
He just moved forward and just mowed you over with body punches.
04:17:33.000
It was like he lifted him up in the air when he knocked him out.
04:17:53.000
You're not in any difficulty, but you're out on bond.
04:18:18.000
You want to talk about music and you don't want to talk about what happened.
04:18:31.000
Your fans will have read all about this, James.
04:18:52.000
She's talking about, like, allegations of, like, what is it, domestic violence?
04:18:59.000
Bro, do you remember when he got arrested because someone was using his toilet and he chased him with a fucking shotgun?
04:19:06.000
The fucking cops chased him down, they shot his tires out?
04:19:16.000
I shouldn't say a shootout with the cops, but the cops definitely shot his tires.
04:19:19.000
People still part like Richard Pryor shot his own fucking car.
04:19:28.000
That was like the slap with Chris Rock, because it was all over the news.
04:19:32.000
They shout out two of his tires and he drove on the rims for six miles.
04:19:39.000
High-speed chase through Georgia and South Carolina.
04:19:42.000
He tried to ram police cars with his pickup truck.
04:19:46.000
That's when that interview was from 88, so it was the same thing.
04:20:10.000
The interview says April 4th, 1988, and our arrest says on this day, December 15th, 1988. He began serving a sentence then.
04:20:19.000
So he got mad because someone used his shitter.
04:20:44.000
There's no way he's going to be mad about this.
04:20:53.000
Imagine Burt Kreischer's shit in James Brown's toilet, which he definitely would do.
04:21:04.000
And then he would come out, oh my god, I took a shit.
04:21:06.000
And James Brown would be like, wah, wah, wah, wah.
04:21:35.000
Taking PCP and someone takes a dump in your toilet and you got a gun?
04:21:40.000
Oh, Brown went to jail at age 15 for breaking into cars.
04:21:45.000
He sang in the prison choir and started a band when he got out.
04:21:52.000
Oh, bro, he was the rockiest of rock stars, man.
04:22:02.000
Who's done the best, like, biopic of a famous musician?
04:22:10.000
He actually kind of went a little crazy during the film.
04:22:46.000
It's like, okay, it's deep, but it's like, oh my god, can you imagine being around that guy?
04:23:04.000
We were all moonbeams in the sun of the horizon.
04:23:15.000
I'll tell you who killed it was Jim Carrey as Kaufman.
04:23:20.000
Another guy who kind of went a little crazy doing a role.
04:23:39.000
The biopic is tricky, because did they really fucking say that?
04:23:51.000
But again, we don't know if he was actually like that.
04:24:19.000
He was the best boxer ever, actor-turned-boxer for a movie.
04:24:25.000
He spent a whole year training at a legit boxing job.
04:24:43.000
Actually, we were thinking about putting in lockers at the mothership.
04:24:55.000
Oh yeah, leave some scars in there or some cigarettes or something.
04:25:07.000
When people pretend they can play pool, it drives me fucking crazy.
04:25:18.000
He doesn't really look like a pool player, but he kind of does.
04:25:22.000
It's enough where it's not offensive, but Paul Newman was a little offensive.
04:25:32.000
You see a guy shoot a jumper, you're like, this is terrible.
04:25:36.000
Did you ever see Will Ferrell in that whatever?
04:25:43.000
But yeah, Rocky, you see him swing, and there's like a foot and a half between him and the guy.
04:25:48.000
It's also just nothing but haymakers to the face.
04:26:02.000
But it's like, when you watch the film, he looks like a real boxer.
04:26:28.000
So look, when you're watching this, this looks like a real boxing match.
04:26:40.000
I mean, obviously they're pulling their punches, but he looks like a real boxer.
04:26:45.000
He's not just wading in, throwing power punches.
04:27:03.000
Every now and then a fight breaks out like that.
04:27:06.000
Yeah, I mean it's not going to be a lot of defense.
04:27:11.000
Yeah, I don't think it was an amateur, but it was still...
04:27:18.000
Kevin Costner, that pitching movie was pretty shitty.
04:27:37.000
And when you don't have gloves on, one of the things you realize really early on is that you break these knuckles when you swing wild punches and you catch people in their foreheads.
04:27:45.000
If you catch people in their foreheads, you're gonna fuck your fucking hands up.
04:27:50.000
So a lot of guys learned how to just kind of jab at you with these knuckles.
04:27:55.000
So they were hitting at each- No, no, this is the way you punched people.
04:27:59.000
They would jab at each other with these knuckles.
04:28:01.000
So they'd stand there like this and they'd jab at each other with these knuckles.
04:28:20.000
I cracked this one once and I didn't even have to have surgery on it.
04:28:30.000
So what guys figured out how to do is to kind of jab each other with these bare knuckles.
04:28:36.000
And if you watch like bare knuckle boxing, Like, they're kind of doing that now a little bit.
04:28:40.000
They're tense up, and they're throwing big punches like a boxer, too, but they're also kind of jabbing each other every now and then with knuckles.
04:28:48.000
Because you want to catch them with just these front two.
04:28:51.000
Those are really your primary weapons in your hand.
04:28:53.000
If you hit someone right here with the pinky on the forehead, it's touch and go, man.
04:29:02.000
This is a different story here because their hands are very wrapped, like their knuckles are covered, so their hands are protected.
04:29:16.000
What they're doing right here is a different thing.
04:29:21.000
These guys have, like, some thick-ass hand wraps on.
04:29:24.000
You see when he's making his fist with his right hand?
04:30:06.000
A black guy got over there and started wailing on us?
04:30:25.000
They pulled that guy off a horse and gave him a six pack.
04:30:40.000
Will Smith, they fucking drug test those dudes.
04:30:58.000
It's sanctioned by the State Athletic Commission.
04:31:21.000
This has to have been discussed before, but a drug by drug division?
04:31:53.000
Yeah, it's kind of wild that we let people fight, but we don't let them fight on drugs.
04:31:58.000
I mean, that would be like the ultimate freedom.
04:32:01.000
The ultimate freedom is you can fight on drugs.
04:32:08.000
High rollers is the weed competition where they do jujitsu when they get high first and then like elite jujitsu guys have jujitsu matches.
04:32:22.000
Well, it just makes you like much more focused than what's going on for some strange reason.
04:32:43.000
It just slows everything down where you're like, I see everything going on.
04:32:50.000
For me, it always gives me revelations that I didn't know I was going to get.
04:33:03.000
I was starting to do it again, but I've got a elk hunting season, and I'm like, I don't want to fuck my knees up before I go elk hunting.
04:33:12.000
So around November, I'm going to start doing it again.
04:33:17.000
I tore my MCL. I tore it going on stage at Stubbs.
04:33:28.000
Because we were doing the Chappelle shows, and we were just fucking obliterated backstage.
04:33:34.000
And I had to go up the stairs, and I was turning my phone to airplane mode, and I stubbed my fucking phone.
04:33:44.000
Up these stairs, like, there's these concrete stubs.
04:33:50.000
And then when I was on stage, my knee was shaking.
04:34:02.000
Because I hadn't done stand-up in a long time, and I was just starting to do stand-up again, because it was during the pandemic.
04:34:10.000
Wait, you must think Jiu-Jitsu is kind of like your life, to a degree.
04:34:16.000
But you must know, you're not going to do it in 90. Ilio Gracie did.
04:34:21.000
Okay, but you were like, there's going to be a time where I'm like, I've got to stop that.
04:34:24.000
Yeah, you could still do it as long as you do it with people like you that have good control.
04:34:28.000
The whole idea is you don't want to get like a spastic young quarterback, fucking jacked super athlete to fucking throw you around and hurt you.
04:34:37.000
But a lot of guys, there's like a lot of guys that roll like deep into their 60s.
04:34:53.000
No, Ed O'Neal absolutely is a legit jiu-jitsu black belt.
04:35:04.000
I just randomly, by chance, was on a flight with him once.
04:35:10.000
He sat right next to me, and we talked about jiu-jitsu the entire time.
04:35:17.000
Just a couple of black belts chilling in first class.
04:35:31.000
We got in a pool with Vincent D'Onofrio yesterday, so I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
04:36:19.000
He looked good for 64. He looked about 64. He's got some hair still.
04:36:42.000
I mean, to have a guy who's like a serious actor go hard in on being a bug inside a human suit.
04:37:00.000
We were at the pool, you were trying to be a naysay.
04:37:05.000
I'd say, once he started doing TV, like all actors, the career goes pretty downhill.
04:37:10.000
All his greatest stuff was before CSI. It's crazy, you're being nasty though.
04:37:23.000
Yeah, but it's just the thing about those shows are so shallow.
04:37:36.000
But the problem is when you're doing that, when you're that good, Yeah, TV's a different...
04:37:49.000
He did the best he could for CSI, but after that, 2001, he wasn't the same guy.
04:38:00.000
Yeah, I said you were dating out of your league.
04:38:04.000
We looked over, there was a lady sitting, not next to him, but a chair over.
04:38:17.000
But I looked at these guys, I was like, yo, you see that?
04:38:30.000
I was saying, yo, do you think that's the guy from fucking Full Metal Jam?
04:38:33.000
But I was going, no, that guy's not like an older guy dating a young woman.
04:39:13.000
Yeah, it's like some teenagers in London and they fucking fight the aliens.
04:39:37.000
I've got a deep-seated argument with my friends that he's not top ten.
04:41:33.000
Tom Cruise, Schwarzenegger, you're going to see them.
04:41:37.000
He put out Gangs of New York, I think within the same week he put out Catch Me as...
04:41:41.000
That's great, but you're not going to see a DiCaprio movie.
04:41:46.000
Sheldon Island was bigger than God's Gangs of New York.
04:41:54.000
If you're going to see Gangs of New York, who are you going to show up for?
04:42:01.000
I'm going to see a new Scorsese movie, not a DiCaprio movie.
04:42:04.000
If you're going to see Aliens, who are you going to see?
04:42:07.000
Yeah, but people do go to see the DiCaprio movies too.
04:42:19.000
When's the last time you went to a movie and said, I'm going to see the Tom Cruise movie?
04:42:24.000
This is also like Steven Spielberg, though, so there's a little bit of St. Mark's.
04:42:37.000
If somebody's in a Tarantino movie, you're like, that's great, he's in it.
04:42:45.000
With Kindergarten Cop, you're like, I'm going to see the new Schwarzenegger movie.
04:42:49.000
Okay, nobody's comparing Kindergarten Cop to Leonardo DiCaprio's I know.
04:42:53.000
And I'm saying, Leonardo DiCaprio, you're not going to see his movies.
04:43:04.000
I'm saying more so, you're going to see a Tom Cruise movie because Tom Cruise is in it.
04:43:08.000
If you're dumb enough to go see a Tom Cruise movie, you're going, I'm here to see the Tom Cruise movie.
04:43:17.000
The mission was possible for the seventh fucking time, dude.
04:43:32.000
Who do you think is going to be right below him at fourth place?
04:43:37.000
The top three are all Marvel characters, so this one is not.
04:43:42.000
Tom Cruise has been the leader for like 30 years.
04:44:11.000
You know what's a great Scarlett Johansson movie?
04:44:19.000
She plays an alien that takes over like a human form.
04:44:30.000
It was Samuel L. Jackson was number one, but that's because of Marvel movies.
04:44:34.000
So they're just adding up the profit of movies they've been in.
04:44:44.000
Marvel movies what what happened to us that that's like what we really want to see anything a superhero.
04:44:57.000
We made all these movies over and over again, and then it just condensed down to the perfect all of them together.
04:45:07.000
She hooks up with these guys and they fucking vanish.
04:45:32.000
I'm saying there's different categories of how you're judging me.
04:45:57.000
I'm talking about specific runs where both of their, it was just hit, hit, hit.
04:46:11.000
Tom Hanks had a run of Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump, fucking Green Mile, you forget about Toy Story, Castaway, he had such a fucking...
04:46:25.000
Turner and Hooch, even the birds and punchline, all that shit.
04:46:30.000
Scroll down, wait until you see his recent shit.
04:46:58.000
Literally all Tom Cruise did is scream and dance in that for five minutes.
04:47:17.000
No one's saying any of these guys aren't great.
04:47:20.000
You say one guy's better than the other guy, everyone's like, you think this guy sucks?
04:47:26.000
Jack Reacher, the The whole Jack Reacher series?
04:47:31.000
The Jack Reacher thing doesn't even make sense.
04:47:33.000
I thought Jack Reacher was good when it came out.
04:47:37.000
Recently, I showed my friend Chris O'Connor who loves Tom Cruise.
04:47:49.000
I didn't know I was retarded when I watched this.
04:48:15.000
I got one big heist in me, but, oh shit, the cops are actually trailing me right now.
04:48:25.000
He has a dinner with the cop who's like, I'm never gonna stop looking at you.
04:48:29.000
He goes, well, I'm gonna keep doing this fucking heist.
04:48:37.000
And then fucking the Mexican is like, I'll go for it.
04:48:40.000
I know, but it's like, I respect you enough to not go for it right now.
04:48:44.000
But if somebody was like, hey, so you know, we're watching you.
04:49:00.000
Also, every love scene that you have with the chick is just like, where are you from?
04:49:09.000
If you're talking about best acting ability, sure.
04:49:12.000
If we're talking best acting ability, Tom Cruise isn't even close.
04:49:21.000
Died, couldn't handle his heroin like a real man.
04:49:28.000
I'll be honest, we're coming off like dumbasses.
04:49:46.000
Everybody go see Dog General on Netflix right now?
04:50:32.000
You fucking homos over there are not smoking weed.
04:50:35.000
Ari and I are holding it down for the weed community.
04:50:40.000
Let's get it from Duncan, the kind he made in his tub.
04:51:07.000
He was gonna run for governor, and then he walked.
04:51:09.000
He said he went for the MLS. Yeah, why would I want to be a politician?
04:51:38.000
I was like, get this treacherous son of a bitch.
04:51:39.000
Norman going for the whole thing this one time?
04:51:41.000
Norman going for the whole thing this one time?
04:52:10.000
Should we get the fuck out of here or should we keep rolling?
04:52:52.000
Post Malone, that's what I call the years after cheers.
04:53:05.000
Getting into a deep bar argument about who makes the best actor or something.
04:53:14.000
It's Barry Sanders, Emmett Smith better, some dumb shit like that, but screaming.
04:53:22.000
I've been in several bar fights about Tom Cruise.
04:53:32.000
Al Pacino makes up lines and screams gibberish.
04:53:55.000
He's in the middle of a speech and then he's just like, You're fucking!
04:54:07.000
It wasn't just like trying to be a really frustrated guy.
04:54:12.000
I think they kept it as far as like, this is how people actually talk.
04:54:19.000
But I will say, I think Pacino and Jack have been making up their own lines for a long time.
04:54:25.000
They got big early on Goodset, and then they went and leave.
04:54:28.000
If you watch The Departed and pay attention to anything Jack says that entire movie...
04:54:43.000
He's like, don't move until you feel numb, bitch.
04:54:48.000
Never in a million years of coke ads would someone do that.
04:55:51.000
No, he's probably 15. Oh, I'm talking about Leo.
04:56:48.000
Same guy that played American Psycho played Dick Cheney.
04:56:54.000
It just sucked that the movie wasn't that good.
04:57:01.000
What's really funny is every time I've had this drunk Tom Cruise argument, this is how it goes.
04:57:22.000
We might have talked about this on here before.
04:57:26.000
The Vice is designed to make you maybe not like him.
04:57:31.000
And in reality, it just makes you be like, damn, dude, change the man.
04:57:59.000
But you're supposed to not like the movie, and then...
04:58:03.000
There's a part where Amy Adams is like, you better change, or I'm gonna leave you.
04:58:14.000
His wife is like, you just got a DUI and a drunken fight.
04:58:18.000
I'm going to leave you if you don't become great.
04:58:26.000
He just becomes the most powerful man on earth.
04:58:59.000
You guys are acting like there's no fucking Top Gun.
04:59:36.000
What would you do if this assignment of defense was transferred to you?
05:00:33.000
Guys like him, Alexander the Great, they just have an urge to take over.
05:00:48.000
This vermin has held the world hostage with his egotism and his lack of simple good manners.
05:01:52.000
I mean, now, after that movie, a lot of people are like, I like it.
05:01:59.000
They said they made the awning lower so you had to bow your head before you got to see his body.
05:02:05.000
Build a series of mirrors so I could look at his tomb without having to bow my head.
05:02:12.000
He respected him, but he goes, I do not comply with your rules.
05:02:17.000
He said he wouldn't go in when they occupied France to build a series of mirrors.
05:02:37.000
But he was always surrounded by grenadiers who wore those big, tall hats, and they were like the biggest guys in the French army.
05:02:43.000
Because everybody thought he was shorter than he was.
05:02:45.000
Imagine being alive back then, man, when people were shooting muskets at each other, just running at each other, shooting tanks, cannonballs at each other.
05:03:01.000
No computer games to fucking blow up a village.
05:03:30.000
Hitler also, he was a big, obviously, he was a big Napoleon guy, obviously.
05:03:35.000
And he was desperately trying to avoid what Napoleon did in Russia, and then, sure enough, did the exact same thing that Napoleon did.
05:03:54.000
We'll take out one massive superhero right now.
05:03:57.000
And they're like, you didn't, and you're fucked.
05:04:07.000
Isn't the Battle of Kursk the one that was like...
05:04:24.000
I love how he riffs on his girlfriend's Navy SEALX. No, you didn't.