The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #204

00:00:00.000 One.

00:00:01.000 Boom.

00:00:02.000 Boom.

00:00:05.000 I'm tweeting, and I'm doing this at the same time.

00:00:08.000 I just don't feel rushed.

00:00:09.000 It smells when you tweets.

00:00:10.000 I want to keep it together.

00:00:11.000 What?

00:00:11.000 It really stings when you do that.

00:00:13.000 How do you...

00:00:14.000 In what way?

00:00:15.000 Your fingers smell.

00:00:17.000 Is that true?

00:00:18.000 You have stinky fingers?

00:00:19.000 I do have stinky feet sometimes, but no, my fingers never stink.

00:00:22.000 But that would be the weirdest thing, man.

00:00:24.000 If your fucking fingers stunk, like stinky feet...

00:00:25.000 That would be like a major deal breaker.

00:00:27.000 Well, it's kind of weird.

00:00:28.000 You've definitely been with a vagina that smells like an armpit before, right?

00:00:31.000 Yeah.

00:00:31.000 Yeah, some girls don't smell like an armpit.

00:00:33.000 I wish my vagina smelled like an armpit.

00:00:35.000 Really?

00:00:36.000 You like that VO smell?

00:00:37.000 That sounds great, yeah.

00:00:38.000 The Joe Rogan experience is brought to you by the Fleshlight, speaking of pussies that smell like armpits.

00:00:44.000 Would you consider getting a Fleshlight model of your vagina if they offered you a tidy sum?

00:00:50.000 I would do it for a 15-minute set at the Improv.

00:00:54.000 I could do that.

00:00:55.000 Go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the fleshlight and enter the code name Rogan and you save yourself 15% of the number one sex toy format.

00:01:02.000 It's a fucking solid product, ladies and gentlemen.

00:01:04.000 I'll tell you what, there's nothing we will ever sell.

00:01:06.000 I love it.

00:01:07.000 We're in the middle of taking on some new sponsors.

00:01:09.000 There's nothing we'll ever sell on this show that we don't believe in.

00:01:12.000 And that's something I believe in.

00:01:13.000 We should start selling the improv.com then, Joe, because that is the best comedy club ever.

00:01:17.000 And a 15-minute spot for Amy Schumer to become a fleshlight mold sounds like an awesome idea.

00:01:22.000 Well, you know, the improv, I'd have to say, if you want to go with, like, a solid chain of comedy clubs across the country.

00:01:27.000 You're going to model your pussy.

00:01:29.000 Don't do it for free, at least.

00:01:30.000 The improv's the number one comedy chain across the country.

00:01:34.000 That's a strong move.

00:01:34.000 I'm at the improv on Thursday.

00:01:35.000 I love the improv.

00:01:36.000 It's got a great domain.

00:01:37.000 They do it right.

00:01:38.000 Yeah, they do it right everywhere.

00:01:39.000 We just did the improv in Louisville.

00:01:41.000 It was fucking awesome.

00:01:42.000 It was the shit.

00:01:43.000 Yeah, it was great.

00:01:44.000 Every improv is just solid as a rock.

00:01:46.000 They know what the fuck they're doing.

00:01:47.000 Every comic should be happy that they're around.

00:01:49.000 But not as good as the Pasadena Ice House.

00:01:50.000 The Pasadena Ice House.

00:01:51.000 This is a Bass City Nice House.

00:01:52.000 Look, they're all awesome.

00:01:53.000 I love the improv.

00:01:54.000 I love this place.

00:01:55.000 I love, you know, little comedy clubs like that.

00:01:58.000 We can support it.

00:01:58.000 And we're helping support it with this podcast, actually.

00:02:01.000 This podcast actually makes the club money.

00:02:03.000 So it's nice.

00:02:05.000 We do shows here, and we pay them rent.

00:02:07.000 This place is booming lately, man.

00:02:09.000 Marc Maron's been here lately.

00:02:10.000 It's killer.

00:02:10.000 It's a great club.

00:02:12.000 It's been here since 1950 or something crazy like that.

00:02:16.000 Yeah.

00:02:17.000 It's like Europe.

00:02:18.000 This is insane!

00:02:19.000 For real, I do believe it.

00:02:20.000 I think it just celebrated its 50th anniversary.

00:02:23.000 Not kidding.

00:02:24.000 So I was exaggerating, but only slightly.

00:02:26.000 The gold one.

00:02:26.000 That's incredible, right?

00:02:28.000 Yeah.

00:02:28.000 Is that the gold one?

00:02:29.000 I have no idea.

00:02:30.000 Anyway, we're also sponsored by Onnit.com.

00:02:34.000 Is a maker of a bunch of different nutritional supplements, most notably Alpha Brain.

00:02:39.000 That's one that I get behind.

00:02:40.000 I took two of them right before we did the show.

00:02:42.000 I take them all the time.

00:02:43.000 Every time I'm going to do a set, I take them.

00:02:45.000 If I have anything where I need to form coherent sentences and not stumble over my words like a retard, I take them.

00:02:50.000 I think it works.

00:02:52.000 If you want to find out about it, go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, and Google nootropics.

00:02:57.000 It's a very fascinating subject, pros and cons against.

00:03:01.000 One thing I will tell you about Onnit, when you order something, the first order, your 30-pill bottle, you have a 100% money-back guarantee.

00:03:09.000 You don't have to return it.

00:03:11.000 You can eat it all and say, it sucks, I want my money back, and you get 100% of your money back.

00:03:15.000 So that is to try to let people know that the last thing we're trying to do is rip anybody off.

00:03:22.000 Making money is second to making sure that no one feels ripped off.

00:03:26.000 These are all supplements that I use and I have used before I ever endorse this company.

00:03:32.000 I use them independently, especially a lot of the contents in Alpha Brain.

00:03:38.000 Not so much Shroom Tech Sport and Shroom Tech Immune, which are really fascinating.

00:03:43.000 Shroom Tech Sport being one that actually enhances your body's absorption of oxygen, gives you a little bit more endurance.

00:03:48.000 And it's got B12 in it, which also gives you a little bit more endurance.

00:03:51.000 Both of those together, it's a great combination.

00:03:54.000 It's based on the cordyceps mushroom, which they found people in high altitudes were eating to help them cope with the altitude.

00:04:01.000 And there's a Shroom Tech Immune, which is a different mushroom supplement for your immune system.

00:04:07.000 And then there is New Mood, which is a 5-HTP and L-tryptophan serotonin-boosting supplement.

00:04:13.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for AlphaBrain, enter in the code name ROGAN, you'll get 10% off all orders.

00:04:18.000 Alright, let's go.

00:04:19.000 Start.

00:04:20.000 Giggle.

00:04:21.000 Tell me what you were giggling about after the music.

00:04:23.000 Ready, 3, 2, 1, launch it!

00:04:25.000 Amy Schumer's here!

00:04:31.000 All day!

00:04:32.000 That was the worst one ever.

00:04:34.000 DJ makes a lot.

00:04:35.000 I have a whole new setup today.

00:04:37.000 He doesn't even practice.

00:04:38.000 He only does it when we're live on air.

00:04:40.000 It'll take two seconds to practice.

00:04:42.000 That's when he learns what it does.

00:04:43.000 What does this one do?

00:04:45.000 Yeah.

00:04:45.000 I'm using all new equipment today.

00:04:46.000 This is the best time to experiment.

00:04:48.000 What were you giggling about before?

00:04:50.000 Well, earlier you were saying if you can't cope with altitude, you know, to take one of those pills.

00:04:56.000 And I'm thinking about being really high up going, I can't cope with this.

00:04:59.000 I'm going, oh, here's some new mood.

00:05:01.000 Oh, it feels better now.

00:05:03.000 I wonder if it would work.

00:05:05.000 It's probably too late.

00:05:06.000 You'd never know because, yeah, when you get too high and then if you took something, how would you know if you just got over being high or if the stuff took it down a notch?

00:05:16.000 You'd have to be super experienced.

00:05:19.000 It's too late.

00:05:19.000 You know, and there's also like, you know, how much time had you taken off between that session and the last session?

00:05:26.000 Because if you just take like five, six days off and then reset yourself...

00:05:31.000 You can get yourself scary high.

00:05:33.000 You don't realize if you get high every day that you kind of build this weird acceptance and tolerance for the high state.

00:05:42.000 But if you step off for five, six days, a week or so...

00:05:45.000 It'll punch you in the neck.

00:05:47.000 That's how I feel right now.

00:05:48.000 Do you really?

00:05:49.000 Yes.

00:05:49.000 Oh, sorry.

00:05:50.000 Bad friends.

00:05:51.000 Listen, it wasn't my idea.

00:05:53.000 I told you to just do what your instincts tell you.

00:05:55.000 Both of you, it was like I was being hazed by...

00:05:56.000 Do what your instincts tell you.

00:05:57.000 I was like, I just got out of the hospital.

00:05:58.000 You were like, your friends are doing it.

00:06:00.000 I did not say that.

00:06:01.000 I would never say it that way.

00:06:03.000 The kid was begging for weed.

00:06:04.000 I was like, listen, your health is number one.

00:06:09.000 I was like, I really, you guys, I just got out of the hospital.

00:06:12.000 You guys were like, this will answer your prayers.

00:06:15.000 It's good for people to just get out of the hospital.

00:06:17.000 It's medicine.

00:06:18.000 Let me ask you, you said you got food poisoning.

00:06:22.000 I ate a crab cake in Phoenix like a dickhead.

00:06:25.000 Oh, yeah, how's a crab get all the way to Phoenix?

00:06:27.000 I'm such a, like, I'm like, this is good.

00:06:31.000 And then I'm like, you know, I like knew halfway through.

00:06:34.000 I was like, huh, but I'm hungry.

00:06:35.000 So I powered through, like, I'm such a fucking worthless.

00:06:39.000 And then...

00:06:41.000 And I was, like, really excited about my show that night.

00:06:43.000 I was supposed to be at Stand Up Live, and I was, like, all fired up.

00:06:46.000 I was manic.

00:06:47.000 I was in the gym with my opener and my friend Jackie.

00:06:50.000 We were just, like, dancing.

00:06:51.000 I was like, the show tonight, David Spade was going to come.

00:06:53.000 I've never met him.

00:06:54.000 I think he's really funny.

00:06:55.000 And this, like, cute wrestler.

00:06:57.000 A pro, like, WWE guy?

00:06:59.000 Yeah, and I was just, like, excited for the show.

00:07:01.000 And then I was like...

00:07:02.000 And then just vacating.

00:07:05.000 Like, every hole in my body was getting a ton of use.

00:07:08.000 Whoa.

00:07:08.000 And I still was like, I'll be able to do the show showering and puking in the shower.

00:07:13.000 And then finally the club manager came over and was like, you are dying.

00:07:19.000 And they took me to the hospital.

00:07:21.000 Holy shit.

00:07:21.000 And the doctor was like, they put me on morphine and all this stuff.

00:07:26.000 No one ever says, so they took me to the hospital.

00:07:29.000 The doctor's like, you fucking pussy.

00:07:31.000 Go home.

00:07:32.000 Everybody always has, like, the story, it's always, and then the doctor said, you were moments away from death.

00:07:37.000 Ten more seconds, and you would have been fish food.

00:07:41.000 We wouldn't have been able to help you.

00:07:42.000 Literally one more minute.

00:07:44.000 If we don't get her to the operating table right now.

00:07:45.000 The doctor said, had I not come in, I would have been uncomfortable for another ten minutes.

00:07:49.000 No.

00:07:50.000 He was like, it's good that you came in.

00:07:51.000 I might have had diarrhea.

00:07:53.000 Yeah, but the thing is, when you're that dehydrated, you can't drink water.

00:07:56.000 You just puke and puke.

00:07:57.000 I don't know how people sneak it in, but they kept me overnight.

00:08:01.000 And the woman next to me was so much worse than me.

00:08:04.000 I felt bad for being there.

00:08:05.000 What was her deal?

00:08:06.000 Like, I never saw her, but she sounded like an old black woman.

00:08:10.000 And she was, like, puking and praying.

00:08:13.000 So she was like, bleh, like this weird kind of...

00:08:15.000 And then she's being like, don't turn your back on me, Lord!

00:08:18.000 I was like, bitch, she's gone.

00:08:20.000 He is gone.

00:08:23.000 She's definitely dead.

00:08:24.000 She's definitely dead.

00:08:26.000 Wow.

00:08:26.000 Holy shit.

00:08:27.000 So you can really die from food poisoning, right?

00:08:29.000 Yeah, it's rare in the US, but I mean, yeah, you can.

00:08:33.000 It happens.

00:08:33.000 I was in Koreatown the other day, and it's really scary how many B's and even C's I think I saw in Koreatown.

00:08:41.000 Like, it's not normal.

00:08:42.000 Like, almost all the restaurants, and I ask somebody, like, why is there so many B's and C's?

00:08:47.000 And they're like, oh, because we don't have a connection.

00:08:50.000 You know, like, you know, in Hollywood, it's like, hey, I got this.

00:08:52.000 Here's some extra money.

00:08:53.000 Look the other way.

00:08:54.000 That sounds like some Korean bullshit.

00:08:55.000 Yeah, that's exactly how it's.

00:08:57.000 Please.

00:08:58.000 Yeah, we're not willing to pay them.

00:09:00.000 Right.

00:09:01.000 Like, if it was some kind of scam.

00:09:02.000 They don't trust our soap.

00:09:03.000 Like, what does it take to close?

00:09:04.000 Do you have to fail?

00:09:06.000 Like, are D's opening?

00:09:07.000 I don't know.

00:09:08.000 I've never seen a C. Yeah.

00:09:10.000 You know?

00:09:10.000 I don't think I've seen a C. I think I saw a C. What has to happen to get a C? I don't know.

00:09:15.000 Somebody died in it?

00:09:17.000 You would just be the most mediocre motherfucker.

00:09:18.000 If you look back at what a C meant to you in high school, I got C's and shit that I didn't even remotely try in.

00:09:25.000 Yeah.

00:09:25.000 They didn't try.

00:09:26.000 They're like, I don't know when that's from.

00:09:28.000 I think it's probably still safe.

00:09:30.000 We smelled it.

00:09:31.000 A C? You get a C just by being there.

00:09:34.000 Right.

00:09:34.000 And absorbing every tenth word.

00:09:37.000 Just for having a bathroom.

00:09:38.000 Yeah.

00:09:40.000 What the fuck, man?

00:09:41.000 A C? Really?

00:09:42.000 And you're allowed to keep serving food?

00:09:44.000 Yeah.

00:09:44.000 Well, this was an A place.

00:09:46.000 I wonder, yeah, well, you know, if you go to other countries, I wonder what that would be like.

00:09:50.000 If you went to Singapore and you see all those street vendors, you know, what do you think they would get?

00:09:54.000 Excuse me.

00:09:54.000 Excuse me, do you know what your rating is in Zagat?

00:09:56.000 They're just like, I have no legs.

00:09:58.000 You're like, oh, sorry.

00:10:00.000 Sorry, people.

00:10:01.000 A lot of that apparently is going on right now with food trucks.

00:10:04.000 And food trucks have become like an artsy sort of a thing.

00:10:08.000 Yeah.

00:10:08.000 There was a food truck festival at this mall near my house.

00:10:13.000 It was crazy.

00:10:14.000 It was like all these food trucks pulled up.

00:10:16.000 And it was like everybody had a different theme.

00:10:18.000 You know, there was a food truck that was just waffles.

00:10:21.000 This guy had crazy waffles with all kinds of different fruit toppings and shit.

00:10:25.000 And then another one was this, you know, like really healthy vegan one.

00:10:29.000 Another one was this wild, you know, Mexican.

00:10:32.000 And it's like what they're doing is they're getting away with having amazing food but not having to pay rent somewhere.

00:10:38.000 Right.

00:10:38.000 It's like, I've seen those in, like, San Jose and Austin.

00:10:41.000 It's like a circus comes to town.

00:10:43.000 They just, like, fill up, and it's like the trendy, like, we don't need a restaurant.

00:10:47.000 It's kind of cool.

00:10:48.000 It really is kind of cool.

00:10:50.000 I don't want to, like, what do you do?

00:10:51.000 You stand there and you eat?

00:10:52.000 Yeah, the problem is the lines suck it.

00:10:54.000 The lines are terrible.

00:10:56.000 So it takes 20 minutes to get everything.

00:10:58.000 It takes 20 minutes to get everything.

00:11:00.000 But you get all these different, you know, you're wandering around with all these smells.

00:11:04.000 Like you're walking past this dude who's making fresh waffles.

00:11:07.000 You smell the hot syrup of, you know, whatever berry sauce that he's pouring on it.

00:11:13.000 And then you walk by next to that and some Mexican dude is frying up some carne asada.

00:11:18.000 And you're like, God damn it.

00:11:19.000 Damn, that smells good.

00:11:21.000 I hate seeing cultures mingle.

00:11:22.000 Woo!

00:11:22.000 All those smells together.

00:11:25.000 When you go to a restaurant, you don't get to walk right by where the food is cooking that close.

00:11:31.000 And you're walking by a truck, you're like 15 feet away from when that food is cooking.

00:11:35.000 It's too real for you.

00:11:37.000 I love it.

00:11:38.000 It's too much reality.

00:11:40.000 I feel it in my bones.

00:11:41.000 I think it's cool, though.

00:11:42.000 I think it's cool that they can make really cool food and they don't have to pay rent somewhere.

00:11:49.000 They just have to get a truck, one-time investment, and then tweet to people where they're going to be.

00:11:53.000 Right, that's the thing.

00:11:54.000 It's like speakeasy.

00:11:55.000 You have to get the word.

00:11:57.000 Fuck, Twitter is so amazing.

00:11:58.000 When you think about that, follow me on Twitter.

00:12:01.000 Here's where I'm going to be selling my burritos.

00:12:04.000 Bam!

00:12:05.000 And then it's like the cool place to go.

00:12:06.000 Everybody's like, holy shit.

00:12:10.000 That's a fucking brilliant idea.

00:12:12.000 That is brilliant.

00:12:13.000 And there's your screenplay.

00:12:15.000 That's contributing even more.

00:12:16.000 Yeah, right?

00:12:16.000 David Spade.

00:12:17.000 You said you know him, right?

00:12:18.000 Yeah.

00:12:18.000 Well, you know what?

00:12:19.000 I just want to wait.

00:12:20.000 We just kind of met.

00:12:21.000 I've met him before.

00:12:22.000 I'm pretty good friends with him.

00:12:24.000 Joe, please don't.

00:12:24.000 I've met Adam Sandler as well.

00:12:26.000 Let's get them all together.

00:12:27.000 I know several famous...

00:12:29.000 Have you ever had someone try to pitch you a terrible idea?

00:12:32.000 Yeah.

00:12:32.000 Yeah?

00:12:33.000 Or just pitch you jokes in conversation.

00:12:35.000 You're just like, oh, God.

00:12:37.000 Oh, really?

00:12:37.000 They try to give you jokes to say on stage?

00:12:39.000 Yeah.

00:12:39.000 Yeah, totally.

00:12:40.000 They'll just slip it in in conversation.

00:12:43.000 By the way, you ever think, and you're just like, please stop.

00:12:46.000 Let me get a shower.

00:12:48.000 Oh, no.

00:12:49.000 My mom will do it.

00:12:51.000 Your mom will come up with jokes?

00:12:52.000 Yeah, my mom will.

00:12:53.000 She like...

00:12:54.000 Yeah, she did it the other day.

00:12:55.000 She talked about how in the bathrooms, the automatic, you know, you put your hand under the paper towels, they come out.

00:13:01.000 And she just thought it was so funny to walk around the bathroom trying to get everything.

00:13:05.000 And I was like, Mom, please.

00:13:06.000 I'm not, I'm never going to use anything you give me.

00:13:09.000 Please.

00:13:09.000 That's hilarious.

00:13:10.000 Could you imagine if you did all the shit you would take?

00:13:12.000 What if it became your closing bit?

00:13:14.000 I'm like, I love my mom.

00:13:18.000 Could you imagine that your mom would never let you let her go?

00:13:21.000 She would never let her go.

00:13:22.000 I made your closing bit, young lady.

00:13:24.000 How much did you make last year from doing your stand-up?

00:13:27.000 And think about how much better it is with my closing bit!

00:13:31.000 You're channeling my mom right now.

00:13:32.000 Really?

00:13:33.000 I just gave her an accent.

00:13:34.000 Yeah, I like it.

00:13:35.000 I just went with general cunt.

00:13:36.000 Yeah, cunt in general.

00:13:38.000 Yeah, that's what it was.

00:13:39.000 There was no race behind it.

00:13:40.000 Just what a cunt, I thought.

00:13:42.000 In general.

00:13:42.000 Such a cunt.

00:13:45.000 Does your mom, Harbor Secret, wants to be a...

00:13:48.000 I'm not calling your mom a cunt, by the way.

00:13:50.000 This is an artificial mom.

00:13:51.000 I call her a cunt on stage.

00:13:53.000 Is she one for real?

00:13:54.000 But you know what?

00:13:55.000 She's so cool because that's the only thing, like the only rule she has for me, I'll talk about everything.

00:14:00.000 Like I talk about her vagina, everything on stage.

00:14:04.000 But I won't, but she's like, just don't call me a cunt if I'm there.

00:14:08.000 So what I say is, I'll be like, my mom's here tonight and I promised I wasn't going to call her a cunt and I'm not going to.

00:14:15.000 And she's still after the show is like, Thank you.

00:14:18.000 Thank you for not doing it.

00:14:20.000 I'm like, you're the best.

00:14:21.000 I love you.

00:14:22.000 That's hilarious.

00:14:23.000 No, she's pretty cool with letting me talk about whatever.

00:14:26.000 It's one of the coolest things about having friends that are comedians.

00:14:29.000 You can actually say that your mother might be a cunt and you know they're not going to be upset.

00:14:32.000 Oh my God, nothing.

00:14:33.000 No comedian even flinches.

00:14:35.000 I remember you did a roast and you said something about Patrice's grandmother's asshole.

00:14:41.000 I thought it was so funny because I knew that you guys were friends.

00:14:44.000 Yeah.

00:14:44.000 That was my favorite joke to say.

00:14:47.000 It was really funny.

00:14:48.000 Sarah Silverman wrote to me after that.

00:14:50.000 It was like, after a gospel brunch.

00:14:51.000 That was her favorite joke.

00:14:53.000 I was like, yes.

00:14:54.000 I was psyched.

00:14:55.000 It was just so silly that you did it.

00:14:57.000 It was so much like a bunch of comedians sitting around talking shit to each other.

00:15:02.000 I mean, that is completely something that Brian would say if you were eating breakfast with him.

00:15:05.000 Right.

00:15:05.000 Yeah, when I fucked your mother's brown, dirty asshole.

00:15:08.000 But see, we're so used to each other that then when we're out in the world, I forget.

00:15:14.000 Last night, I went up to the roof of my hotel, and I looked around.

00:15:18.000 I came out to the front, and the host goes, he was like, do you come in the back door?

00:15:23.000 And I was like, what?

00:15:24.000 And he was like, the back door?

00:15:26.000 And I was like, I said, are you making an anal joke?

00:15:29.000 And he was like, no.

00:15:30.000 Like, what?

00:15:31.000 And I was just like, it was such an awful moment.

00:15:35.000 But I'm like, I'm not used to talking to people that that wouldn't be okay to say that in front of me.

00:15:40.000 Right.

00:15:41.000 Well, can you imagine if that's the first words a dude says?

00:15:44.000 The back door?

00:15:45.000 The back door, yeah.

00:15:46.000 The back door?

00:15:46.000 I'm like, anal, right?

00:15:48.000 And he's like, no.

00:15:49.000 I was like, oh, right.

00:15:50.000 I'm disgusting.

00:15:50.000 Can you imagine if that was his hustle?

00:15:53.000 And maybe it works.

00:15:54.000 Maybe it works on like one out of a hundred girls.

00:15:56.000 I would probably be that girl.

00:15:57.000 You just catch her alone.

00:15:58.000 You go to the back door.

00:15:59.000 This guy knows what he wants.

00:16:00.000 That's the fucking house.

00:16:01.000 I think I'm gonna let him.

00:16:03.000 This guy's a go-getter.

00:16:04.000 Get in there, boy.

00:16:05.000 I could see it.

00:16:06.000 I could see it.

00:16:07.000 But no, he was like, no.

00:16:08.000 Yeah, it's tough.

00:16:10.000 Yeah, it's just tough to be with normal people.

00:16:13.000 Yeah, people get mad when we call regular folks civilians.

00:16:17.000 Like, yeah, that is a disrespect to the military, this country.

00:16:21.000 Yeah, that probably is a disrespect to the military.

00:16:23.000 Yeah, we were calling them civilians before there was war.

00:16:26.000 Yeah.

00:16:27.000 We've always called them civilians.

00:16:27.000 We called them civilians in the 80s when we weren't at war.

00:16:30.000 And there had been no wars yet in the 80s.

00:16:32.000 No, it never had happened.

00:16:33.000 All the other wars had been.

00:16:35.000 Artificial ones.

00:16:36.000 Right, the ones that, like you said, the conspiracy theories.

00:16:39.000 There's been zero wars until this last one.

00:16:43.000 Well, could you imagine if, you know, you could get a culture and take everyone from, like, age five and below.

00:16:51.000 Take them and kill everyone else.

00:16:54.000 So you take all the babies and all the really young kids that don't really know what the fuck is going on yet.

00:16:58.000 And then you just give them a totally fake history.

00:17:02.000 Yeah.

00:17:02.000 Just artificial CGI, you know, old writing.

00:17:06.000 Everybody has it prepared, and that's how the Illuminati really take over the world.

00:17:10.000 What they do is they kill everybody but babies, up to like four.

00:17:14.000 I think after four, you'd probably have some memories of some shit that went down, you know?

00:17:18.000 But I think what you're describing is like what actually, without killing people, like that's what actually happens.

00:17:23.000 Like everyone's just raised with a ton of lies.

00:17:26.000 Yeah, there's a little of that.

00:17:27.000 And they're just like unfolding it as you get older.

00:17:29.000 You're like, oh, that was all horseshit.

00:17:31.000 Yeah, but I think that if you wanted to like really recreate a history, like create a false history, I think it's possible to do.

00:17:40.000 I mean, it sounds completely ridiculous, but if you were in a situation like if it was like after an asteroid hit and a bunch of people were killed and there was very little resources left and then someone decided we're going to kill everybody but the children and we're going to start society again with a fake history that I made up.

00:18:01.000 Yeah.

00:18:01.000 Which is essentially like with Joseph Smith.

00:18:03.000 He made up a fake history.

00:18:05.000 Right, yeah.

00:18:05.000 The guy who created the Mormons.

00:18:06.000 I love that religion.

00:18:07.000 That shit works.

00:18:07.000 It's so funny.

00:18:08.000 They had a whole state.

00:18:09.000 And they're all like so nice and good looking.

00:18:12.000 The nicest people!

00:18:12.000 What's the problem?

00:18:13.000 I went to a Mormon funeral recently and it was the nicest, friendliest, everyone was so kind.

00:18:19.000 You were allowed in?

00:18:19.000 I thought to be allowed in that church you had to be Mormon.

00:18:22.000 Well, they were UFC fans.

00:18:24.000 All bets are off.

00:18:26.000 All bets are off!

00:18:27.000 Are you serious?

00:18:27.000 The religious people were like, they really love my jiu-jitsu commentary.

00:18:31.000 Oh my god.

00:18:32.000 I just made that up.

00:18:33.000 Oh man, that's funny.

00:18:35.000 So the real answer is that Joe's a Mormon.

00:18:37.000 But you did go to a Mormon funeral?

00:18:39.000 Yeah, my friend who died.

00:18:42.000 You're a secret Mormon.

00:18:44.000 Their family's Mormon, so they did a Mormon thing.

00:18:48.000 Yeah.

00:18:48.000 Yeah, it was, they're so nice.

00:18:52.000 There's like one nice person after another, and even like when, you know, there's things like when people write their own speeches, especially like civilians write their own speeches.

00:19:02.000 You know, a person who's got a regular job in society that's not like used to writing and having their stuff heard, their ego like squeaks out.

00:19:11.000 Your ego will squeak out when you're talking about people or the past.

00:19:16.000 Like what happens?

00:19:17.000 Like just, you know, weird shit.

00:19:18.000 You'll find out like, you know, when someone reads and it's too long and verbose and, you know, and it's like, there's people that, I've been to a couple funerals and the grossest thing that ever happens Is when someone comes up and uses that time to talk about them and talk about their relationship and how good a friend they were, like justifying themselves to this dead end.

00:19:44.000 I think most people have at least a moment of that in their speech.

00:19:48.000 At funerals.

00:19:49.000 I think it's avoidable.

00:19:51.000 Well, actually, we're talking about it like it's a set, but I've seen Colin Quinn speak at two funerals, and he does not do that.

00:19:58.000 But I think he's the only person I've ever seen that doesn't even have a moment of, it's about me.

00:20:02.000 Well, Colin's a very aware guy.

00:20:04.000 That's why he's so funny and so smart and so observant.

00:20:09.000 He picks things up.

00:20:11.000 But what I was saying about this funeral was that no one did that.

00:20:15.000 Oh, okay.

00:20:16.000 It was really about the person that died.

00:20:18.000 There was no...

00:20:18.000 None of that.

00:20:19.000 There was no...

00:20:20.000 Because the last funeral I'd been to was a Hollywood-type affair.

00:20:24.000 And I swear, a guy went up that knew the dead person for fucking, like, three months or something.

00:20:30.000 And somehow or another, he got on the podium and was, like, way overdoing it and connecting this guy's funeral with the reason why the sun was in a certain position in the sky and the clouds had parted.

00:20:43.000 And I knew it was him.

00:20:44.000 It was him talking.

00:20:45.000 I'm like...

00:20:45.000 You fuckin' dunce.

00:20:47.000 Get off that podium, you stupid fuck.

00:20:50.000 That is horrible.

00:20:50.000 You think he's the sun through the clouds, you retard?

00:20:53.000 That is awful.

00:20:54.000 How dare you?

00:20:54.000 How dare you make me listen to your nonsense and just sit here and listen to this stupid fucking meandering bullshit, this poorly thought out.

00:21:01.000 It's so much more offensive at a funeral.

00:21:03.000 Yes!

00:21:03.000 Which is like, you are the worst human being ever.

00:21:05.000 And then the guy used it to announce the fucking opening of his movie.

00:21:09.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:21:10.000 Yes, he did.

00:21:10.000 And he said, he tried to claim that this guy's death...

00:21:14.000 Which coincided somehow with the opening of his movie.

00:21:17.000 I shit you not.

00:21:18.000 I feel physically miserable.

00:21:21.000 You don't know.

00:21:22.000 We were sitting there.

00:21:24.000 We knew the dude pretty well.

00:21:26.000 We were sitting there.

00:21:27.000 It was me and three of my friends who knew him.

00:21:29.000 We were just going, fuck.

00:21:31.000 What is this guy doing?

00:21:33.000 Like, this is crazy.

00:21:35.000 This guy's talking about...

00:21:37.000 He gave out the exact date of his movie premiere.

00:21:40.000 Like, what the fuck, dude?

00:21:42.000 Are you serious?

00:21:42.000 He's like, and when you go home...

00:21:44.000 He's like, when you remember this day and go on Rotten Tomatoes and give my movie a good rating.

00:21:49.000 And I knew when the sun parted through those clouds, that was him talking to me.

00:21:54.000 What?

00:21:55.000 Why wouldn't he just talk to you?

00:21:56.000 He can use his magic to make the clouds and the sun move.

00:21:59.000 He can make the sun in a certain position and push the clouds away.

00:22:03.000 He can do that, but he can't just send you like an email.

00:22:06.000 How about an email from beyond the grave?

00:22:07.000 How about a text?

00:22:08.000 Hey dude, I'm dead, but it's cool.

00:22:10.000 I'm in heaven now.

00:22:11.000 Would it be so hard to send a fucking email?

00:22:13.000 No, you gotta like move trees and shit.

00:22:15.000 What are you gonna do?

00:22:15.000 Ugh.

00:22:15.000 You know, you gotta cause a lightning bolt to land on people.

00:22:18.000 Have you ever had to give one of those speeches, though?

00:22:20.000 Those speeches suck.

00:22:21.000 I hate that shit.

00:22:23.000 And it's so gross.

00:22:25.000 It's not yourself.

00:22:26.000 It's not your everyday person.

00:22:27.000 You have to almost play a character where you're overdoing...

00:22:30.000 It's harder for comedians, I think.

00:22:33.000 Well, I don't know.

00:22:35.000 I just cried and said some shit that I believed.

00:22:38.000 I didn't write anything out.

00:22:41.000 I felt like if I wrote anything out, then it would just sound like horseshit.

00:22:44.000 I just tried to say as much about the person that affected me, you know, what's positive about them.

00:22:53.000 And then we just got to, you know, cherish our time.

00:22:55.000 It's so difficult to think about the fact that your time is not permanent.

00:23:01.000 You're only going to get a little bit of this shit.

00:23:03.000 And you could waste it.

00:23:04.000 You could waste it with shitty thoughts.

00:23:06.000 You could waste it with doing the wrong thing.

00:23:09.000 You could waste it with bad energy.

00:23:10.000 And sometimes it takes like a death for us to realize that.

00:23:14.000 I don't like going to funerals anymore.

00:23:15.000 I don't like it.

00:23:16.000 I don't like the feeling of being around a bunch of people who are mourning.

00:23:20.000 I don't like it.

00:23:21.000 There's been a few people that died, comics especially, where I'm like, I don't want to be around all my friends that are also fellow comedians and sit around crying.

00:23:29.000 I don't want to do that.

00:23:30.000 I don't like it.

00:23:31.000 I think it's harder seeing comedians upset.

00:23:34.000 And maybe it's just because I'm closer to them, but seeing those guys that I'm close to, when they're sad, it feels so much worse.

00:23:43.000 Yeah.

00:23:43.000 You know, but it also, like, I don't like the funerals, but then hanging out after and talking with them and just telling stories, because that's what we would all want.

00:23:53.000 If I died, when I die, I want people to tell the most fucked up shit that I did.

00:23:59.000 You know, you want people sitting around like, oh my god, I'll never forget when...

00:24:03.000 He did this.

00:24:04.000 Because that's what we would want.

00:24:06.000 So it's like, it's also a good opportunity to just like celebrate the shit out of that person's life and tell every story.

00:24:12.000 And, you know, there was like a, at least with Patrice and Geraldo, like a good number of nights in a row where everyone just was going around just nonstop.

00:24:21.000 And it felt really therapeutic and like what they would have wanted.

00:24:25.000 They want people to be upset, of course, but just talk about maybe some stories that nobody ever heard that I did.

00:24:33.000 Did you listen to Opie and Anthony after he died?

00:24:36.000 Yeah, I went on.

00:24:37.000 They dedicated so many shows to him.

00:24:40.000 Yeah, it was great.

00:24:41.000 I couldn't think of any other show.

00:24:45.000 That would respect and honor one of their favorite guests the way they did.

00:24:52.000 Their brothers, yeah.

00:24:54.000 The way they did it was so beautiful.

00:24:55.000 I love them.

00:24:56.000 I mean, they're the best.

00:24:57.000 They're the nicest fucking guys.

00:24:59.000 I love those guys like family.

00:25:00.000 It's the best, easiest radio show to do.

00:25:02.000 And fucking Hilarious.

00:25:04.000 Hilarious, smart.

00:25:04.000 They're not comedians, but they are just as fast and they kill me.

00:25:09.000 Anthony's a fucking brilliant guy.

00:25:10.000 He kills me.

00:25:11.000 He knows weird shit about weird things.

00:25:14.000 He's a weirdo.

00:25:15.000 He's a fascinating guy.

00:25:17.000 And Opie is too.

00:25:18.000 Honest, yeah.

00:25:19.000 Opie knows how to move a fucking shoulder.

00:25:20.000 Goddamn Norton.

00:25:22.000 Yeah, and Norton is my...

00:25:23.000 I believe he's the funniest guy on radio.

00:25:25.000 I really do.

00:25:25.000 He is.

00:25:25.000 Nobody makes me laugh consistently more than him.

00:25:27.000 He's made trannies acceptable.

00:25:29.000 I know, like you...

00:25:30.000 Have access to trannies.

00:25:31.000 There's no...

00:25:31.000 He'll just face me, and it doesn't...

00:25:33.000 I am so unfazed.

00:25:34.000 I don't know what would face me at this point, but he'll just...

00:25:37.000 It'll just be some story about, like, fucking a tranny, and I'm just like...

00:25:39.000 Like, while we're eating eggs, and I'm like...

00:25:41.000 You block it off, like a bad childhood molestation.

00:25:44.000 You're like, yeah, I'm...

00:25:44.000 She sounds great.

00:25:46.000 She sounds like she really gets you, Jimmy.

00:25:49.000 Nobody else has ever been able to pull off the whole tranny thing.

00:25:53.000 But you know what also?

00:25:54.000 You know?

00:25:54.000 People are like, well, you know, they like ask for advice, like comedy advice.

00:25:58.000 And just going on the road with Jimmy and Attal, no, they work so fucking hard.

00:26:04.000 They're not like just sitting around doing dog shit all day, like Googling themselves.

00:26:08.000 They're like writing and thinking and, you know, it's like they work harder than anybody.

00:26:13.000 Yeah.

00:26:13.000 Well, especially when you're on the road and you're trying to piece together a new act, which I know Jimmy's had to do a couple times recently, because whenever you put something out, you've got to start all over again.

00:26:23.000 I saw him in Austin about a year ago, and it was all shit I hadn't seen before, and it was fucking great.

00:26:29.000 It was so funny.

00:26:30.000 It was so fun to watch.

00:26:31.000 And I said to him, I said, I was so happy.

00:26:33.000 I saw it, and I enjoyed it so much, because sometimes I feel self-conscious, and I have so many dick jokes.

00:26:39.000 I have like...

00:26:40.000 You have to pick and choose, like, which are my best?

00:26:43.000 I have, like, so many dick jokes, but with him, every other joke's a dick joke.

00:26:48.000 It's all dick, but he finds a different way that you're like, okay, I think we can take one more dick joke.

00:26:52.000 Well, I also realize that I'm very childish in my sense of humor.

00:26:56.000 My favorite comedians are Joey Diaz.

00:26:59.000 Joey Diaz is my all-time favorite.

00:27:01.000 He's, like, the one guy who makes me laugh the most.

00:27:03.000 And then everyone else, it's, like, their most childish shit, you know?

00:27:08.000 Oh yeah, the dumbest.

00:27:09.000 Yeah.

00:27:10.000 I'm the same.

00:27:11.000 I like my shit childish.

00:27:13.000 Me too.

00:27:14.000 The dumbest shit.

00:27:15.000 The simplest.

00:27:16.000 So when Norton's talking about someone sucking hogs and I'm just laughing like a silly high school kid.

00:27:22.000 Or even when he calls someone, if he'll just use some old-timey, I felt like a real maroon.

00:27:27.000 You're like, what?

00:27:27.000 No one talks like that.

00:27:29.000 He's so funny that he's made having sex with trannies an acceptable thing.

00:27:33.000 That could be a scandal that could ruin your career.

00:27:36.000 He doesn't give a shit.

00:27:37.000 Zero apologies.

00:27:38.000 Zero.

00:27:39.000 He doesn't give a shit.

00:27:40.000 That's a really original thing.

00:27:42.000 And it's like just...

00:27:44.000 Really, isn't it?

00:27:45.000 What?

00:27:46.000 Yeah.

00:27:46.000 How original is that?

00:27:47.000 Well, Eddie Izzard.

00:27:48.000 Before Norton.

00:27:48.000 I don't think Eddie Izzard has sex with Chinese, but he, like, that's pretty badass to wear.

00:27:53.000 Didn't he do stand-up in drag?

00:27:55.000 Yeah, I think that was more of a gimmick than anything, because I don't even think he discussed it, did he?

00:27:59.000 And now I don't think he's into talking about it.

00:28:01.000 Yeah, but I mean, he didn't discuss the fact that he was wearing women's clothes.

00:28:04.000 Oh, he didn't?

00:28:05.000 I don't think so.

00:28:06.000 I think he just went on, and I could be mistaken.

00:28:08.000 Yeah.

00:28:09.000 Someone will correct me on Twitter, but I thought that was the thing, was that he would just go on stage and do his whole act dressed like a woman.

00:28:15.000 Yeah.

00:28:15.000 Just like to freak people out or call attention to himself.

00:28:19.000 I didn't used to think that, you know, I didn't think about that guy, positive or negative, until I watched some documentary about him running all the way across the UK. Oh my God, it was insane.

00:28:30.000 The fucking guy wasn't even in shape.

00:28:32.000 And he did like a marathon a day.

00:28:36.000 He did like 26 miles every day, and his feet were falling apart, and massive blisters, and everything was open and infected, and he just would tape it up, and the next day, run a fucking marathon.

00:28:46.000 That's a special kind of crazy right there.

00:28:48.000 No, it was nuts.

00:28:48.000 What are you running from, Eddie?

00:28:50.000 No, well, he was running for a charity, and if he got...

00:28:53.000 Oh, well, now I'm a dickhead.

00:28:55.000 You're like, actually, he was running for kids with AIDS. I'm like, fuck them!

00:28:58.000 I'm telling you, it was really impressive.

00:29:00.000 I mean, it was really impressive.

00:29:02.000 This fucking guy ran...

00:29:03.000 He does his act in Arabic and French also.

00:29:05.000 Does he really?

00:29:06.000 Yes, he's like, I don't know.

00:29:08.000 I don't understand.

00:29:10.000 Wow.

00:29:11.000 Yeah, there's some humbling people out there, right?

00:29:13.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:29:14.000 Dude, right.

00:29:15.000 I guess.

00:29:15.000 I haven't met him, but they've got to be out there somewhere.

00:29:18.000 I'll meet somebody that'll shut me the fuck up, but not today.

00:29:22.000 I'll tell you what, I'm going to be honest.

00:29:22.000 I'm going to be honest.

00:29:23.000 Never met anybody who comes close to me.

00:29:25.000 Born on the best.

00:29:27.000 Right here.

00:29:28.000 Every time, knocking it out of the park.

00:29:32.000 The funniest thing is there's someone out there that thinks that way.

00:29:35.000 There's a lot of people.

00:29:36.000 We know a lot of people like that.

00:29:37.000 But I'm none, bro.

00:29:38.000 I'm the best.

00:29:38.000 The best.

00:29:39.000 I could fix this whole country.

00:29:41.000 Bro.

00:29:42.000 They're doing it wrong.

00:29:43.000 I'll fix NASA. I'll fix fucking Rick Santorum.

00:29:46.000 Oh my god.

00:29:46.000 I'll fix them all.

00:29:47.000 And you're like, yeah, you're the best.

00:29:49.000 The best.

00:29:50.000 You're the best.

00:29:50.000 You know what I watched the other day?

00:29:52.000 Karate Kid?

00:29:52.000 The best of the best.

00:29:54.000 Have you ever seen the best of the best?

00:29:55.000 It was an Eric Roberts movie from like 1989. Oh my god.

00:30:03.000 What is it?

00:30:04.000 It's a karate movie.

00:30:05.000 Whoa!

00:30:06.000 They're in a karate tournament with some other dudes and they have all these crazy karate fights.

00:30:12.000 Did he learn how to do karate?

00:30:15.000 Very rudimentary movements.

00:30:17.000 Oh, come on, Roberts.

00:30:17.000 That's what happened to him.

00:30:18.000 That's why he disappeared for a while.

00:30:19.000 Yeah, I mean, it doesn't look like he really learned.

00:30:22.000 It's not like...

00:30:22.000 You ever see, like, Michael Jai White?

00:30:24.000 You ever see that guy?

00:30:24.000 The guy who played Mike Tyson in that movie about Tyson?

00:30:28.000 No, I didn't.

00:30:28.000 He was Spawn.

00:30:29.000 You ever see the movie Spawn?

00:30:30.000 I haven't seen any of these movies.

00:30:32.000 Big, muscular black guy.

00:30:33.000 Did you ever see 27 Dresses?

00:30:35.000 No, what do we do?

00:30:36.000 Subject?

00:30:36.000 I'm just kidding.

00:30:37.000 I'm totally kidding.

00:30:39.000 Dude, this is such a terrible, terrible movie.

00:30:42.000 I've never even heard of it.

00:30:44.000 Yeah.

00:30:45.000 Tommy Lee?

00:30:45.000 They couldn't come up with a different name?

00:30:47.000 Nah.

00:30:48.000 I think this was before Tommy Lee was famous.

00:30:51.000 You know, back then Tommy Lee was still in Motley Crue, but I bet a lot of people didn't know.

00:30:56.000 James Earl Jones.

00:30:56.000 Yeah, James Earl Jones.

00:30:57.000 A lot of good people are in it.

00:30:59.000 There's the 80s token hot chick with the 80s hair.

00:31:02.000 There's a bunch of respectable actors in this movie.

00:31:04.000 This is one of the reasons why it's such a hunk of shit.

00:31:07.000 The all-time gold medal winner and heart and soul of the Korean team.

00:31:11.000 This guy went on to open a C-rated restaurant.

00:31:18.000 A Korean barbecue, perhaps.

00:31:20.000 This guy's knocking it off the charts.

00:31:22.000 This isn't a scene with Eric Roberts, unfortunately.

00:31:25.000 Because these guys probably actually know martial arts.

00:31:29.000 Eric Roberts was my favorite on Celebrity Rehab.

00:31:31.000 Did you ever see that?

00:31:32.000 I didn't see that one.

00:31:33.000 Why?

00:31:34.000 What was his deal?

00:31:35.000 Pot!

00:31:36.000 Just pot?

00:31:36.000 That's it!

00:31:37.000 What a fucking...

00:31:38.000 Come on.

00:31:39.000 His agent's like...

00:31:41.000 In the morning, he'd be looking at the paper, twiddling his little foot around, drinking a cup of coffee.

00:31:47.000 Other people have shakes, and they're like, my family isn't talking to me.

00:31:50.000 He's like, I'm a little hungry.

00:31:52.000 Other people are like, I just gotta go outside and meet some friends real quick.

00:31:55.000 Yeah.

00:31:56.000 Oh, my God.

00:31:57.000 He's like, oh, come on.

00:31:58.000 Stay with the program.

00:31:59.000 I'm gutting it out.

00:32:00.000 He escapes.

00:32:01.000 I'm gutting it out.

00:32:02.000 He escapes and goes to Chipotle.

00:32:04.000 That's all.

00:32:05.000 You can't get off your morphine?

00:32:06.000 I'm gutting it out.

00:32:08.000 I haven't even touched weed.

00:32:09.000 I haven't touched weed in three days.

00:32:11.000 Oh, you're so strong.

00:32:12.000 You don't think I'm in pain right now, man?

00:32:14.000 You're so strong, Eric.

00:32:15.000 You don't think I'm hurt on the inside right now?

00:32:18.000 Don't turn your back on me, Lord.

00:32:20.000 It became some weird therapeutic thing where he had his stepson and his stepson came on the show.

00:32:26.000 Oh my god.

00:32:28.000 I don't know about that.

00:32:28.000 His stepson hated him for how he treated him.

00:32:31.000 Like, oh god damn.

00:32:33.000 Too much.

00:32:35.000 Well, you know, you realize, and this is a reality of a lot of, there's a reason why a lot of people, famous people's kids become crazy.

00:32:42.000 Yeah.

00:32:42.000 It's because when you're like a movie star, you go places for months at a time.

00:32:47.000 Right.

00:32:47.000 You know, if you're Eric Roberts, I mean, I guarantee you that guy had to go places when that guy was a kid.

00:32:54.000 I mean, I don't know if he took his family with him.

00:32:55.000 I don't know how he rocked it.

00:32:56.000 But a lot of people just go places.

00:32:59.000 I know folks that leave their family behind for months.

00:33:02.000 It seems like that's how it used to be, but now everybody's so aware and sensitive.

00:33:05.000 I can't believe that shit still happens.

00:33:07.000 Oh, it still happens, for sure.

00:33:08.000 Yeah.

00:33:09.000 I think it happened a lot, though, back in the day.

00:33:11.000 I mean, there's a lot.

00:33:13.000 I mean, I don't want to name any names, because I'm not trying to judge you.

00:33:15.000 Well, like, who are you talking about?

00:33:16.000 I'm just looking at it.

00:33:18.000 I'm just looking at it objectively like when you look at all these famous kids of say like people who are famous in the 70s and the 80s and then their kids become adults and complete fuck ups.

00:33:28.000 There's a goddamn laundry list of them.

00:33:30.000 It's a big...

00:33:31.000 It's almost all of them.

00:33:32.000 Yeah.

00:33:33.000 It's incredible.

00:33:34.000 Yeah.

00:33:34.000 So you gotta think like what happened there?

00:33:37.000 How did this go wrong?

00:33:39.000 How can this be avoided?

00:33:40.000 Right.

00:33:41.000 You know, something's going wrong here, and the mechanism of raising a human under this job, what is it?

00:33:49.000 Is it the distance, the time away?

00:33:51.000 Is it the unfair and weird treatment that you get?

00:33:54.000 Just having a parent that's a huge narcissist probably isn't awesome.

00:33:57.000 Yeah, that probably isn't awesome.

00:33:59.000 Yeah, that's probably not the best.

00:34:01.000 Remember Mommy Dearest?

00:34:01.000 Yeah.

00:34:02.000 What a fucking scary movie that was.

00:34:04.000 God damn it, that movie scared the shit out of me.

00:34:05.000 Faye Dunaway is a badass bitch.

00:34:08.000 So good.

00:34:09.000 God damn, she was a badass bitch.

00:34:11.000 You believed it with every fucking ounce of your soul.

00:34:15.000 Wait, Faye Dunaway, wasn't it Joan Collins?

00:34:16.000 Which one?

00:34:17.000 Faye Dunaway.

00:34:18.000 Oh, Faye Dunaway was Chinatown, right?

00:34:20.000 Was there another one?

00:34:20.000 Yeah.

00:34:21.000 Who was, which one?

00:34:22.000 No.

00:34:24.000 Wasn't it Mommy Dearest?

00:34:26.000 Was it Joan Collins?

00:34:27.000 I don't think so.

00:34:27.000 I thought so.

00:34:28.000 Yeah, Faye Dunaway was like, wasn't she like Bonnie and Clyde?

00:34:31.000 No, well, I think she was.

00:34:34.000 No, it's Faye Dunaway.

00:34:36.000 Was in Mommy Dearest?

00:34:37.000 Yeah, Faye Dunaway's Mommy Dearest.

00:34:39.000 Yes, oh yeah, it's totally Faye Dunaway.

00:34:41.000 Oh my God, I'm looking at the picture.

00:34:42.000 I know you remember this.

00:34:43.000 Of course it's Faye Dunaway.

00:34:45.000 Look at that shit.

00:34:46.000 No!

00:34:47.000 Oh, my God.

00:34:48.000 Oh, my God.

00:34:49.000 Look at that.

00:34:50.000 If you haven't seen this movie and you want to know how crazy actresses really are capable of being, this is a real...

00:34:57.000 Did she win an Oscar?

00:34:58.000 She must have.

00:34:58.000 Oh, she had, too.

00:34:59.000 She must have.

00:35:00.000 She went.

00:35:00.000 She did it.

00:35:01.000 She went deep.

00:35:02.000 If she didn't win an Oscar, the Oscars are bullshit.

00:35:04.000 If she didn't win an Oscar for that...

00:35:05.000 I'm moving to Canada if she didn't win an Oscar for that.

00:35:08.000 Right now.

00:35:09.000 I won't move to Canada.

00:35:09.000 Get my bags.

00:35:10.000 Brian.

00:35:10.000 I'll consider Hawaii.

00:35:13.000 I'm at least going on a couple days to St. Lucia, okay?

00:35:16.000 St. Lucia?

00:35:17.000 What's that?

00:35:18.000 Oh, I just went there with my sister.

00:35:20.000 Oh, it was an island or something?

00:35:21.000 You went there with your sister?

00:35:22.000 Yeah, we went to...

00:35:23.000 I did not know that Sandals was a couple's resort.

00:35:27.000 Oh, so you looked like lesbians.

00:35:29.000 So, everyone just thought we were raging dykes the whole time.

00:35:32.000 Wow.

00:35:33.000 And we looked like twins, so we looked like the most narcissistic lesbians ever.

00:35:37.000 Like, we saw each other at a bar, like, huh?

00:35:39.000 Hey, I like how you look.

00:35:42.000 Everyone hated us.

00:35:43.000 Everyone hated you.

00:35:44.000 Did you know Sandals was all couples?

00:35:46.000 No.

00:35:47.000 Has that marketing reached you?

00:35:48.000 It did not reach me either.

00:35:50.000 I didn't really actually know.

00:35:52.000 I actually have thought about like, hey, let's go to like an all resort thing where you pay one thing, you don't have to pay.

00:35:57.000 All inclusive.

00:35:58.000 That's what we did.

00:35:59.000 And she's married.

00:36:01.000 I'm single.

00:36:02.000 I'm not trying to hook up with like, you know, like an islander.

00:36:05.000 But whatever.

00:36:06.000 But it was 100% couples.

00:36:08.000 We were the only people.

00:36:09.000 And it was really uncomfortable because people were either mad we were there or way overly talking to us so that we knew how tolerant they were of lesbians.

00:36:20.000 Like, they'd be like, stop having so much fun, you two.

00:36:23.000 And I'd be like, thank you for accepting our lifestyle.

00:36:27.000 We're sister.

00:36:27.000 Like, ugh.

00:36:29.000 But we did everything.

00:36:30.000 We were the biggest assholes.

00:36:32.000 We did everything that the couples did.

00:36:34.000 So we like went to all the like dinners and Like the photo shoots inside like a heart-shaped rose petals on the beach like we held each other I put some pictures on Twitter, but it was it was pretty brutal.

00:36:48.000 She had finger blasted her.

00:36:49.000 Oh I fucked her.

00:36:50.000 She got good and fucked.

00:36:52.000 Deep in that muff.

00:36:53.000 Sorry, sorry.

00:36:54.000 This is not just lesbian sex.

00:36:56.000 It's incest!

00:36:57.000 Incest.

00:36:58.000 A lot of Game of Thrones.

00:36:59.000 Anything goes at this point.

00:37:00.000 I just started watching it.

00:37:02.000 I just started last night.

00:37:03.000 How far are you?

00:37:04.000 First two episodes.

00:37:05.000 Oh, I'm jealous.

00:37:06.000 I bought the DVD. I was at the...

00:37:08.000 Yeah, you haven't seen it?

00:37:09.000 Dude, it's good.

00:37:10.000 Did you like The Wire?

00:37:12.000 I never saw that.

00:37:13.000 Listen, bro.

00:37:13.000 Get out of here.

00:37:14.000 It's what Conan the Barbarian should have been.

00:37:17.000 Oh, really?

00:37:17.000 That's what it is.

00:37:18.000 The show is so good.

00:37:19.000 I'm so jealous of you.

00:37:20.000 They have so much time to work.

00:37:22.000 See, when you go to that Conan movie, they had good intentions, but you can't tell Conan's story in an hour and a half.

00:37:29.000 The real Robert E. Howard books were these long sagas of adventure and betrayal and sorcery and fucking demons and sword fights and shit.

00:37:39.000 In like two hours.

00:37:41.000 You can't do that in a movie, man.

00:37:43.000 No.

00:37:43.000 The only way you're going to rock that is if you have a series like this Game of Thrones.

00:37:46.000 It is the best.

00:37:48.000 It's fucking good, dude.

00:37:49.000 It's a good show.

00:37:51.000 At least the first two episodes are.

00:37:52.000 Oh, no.

00:37:52.000 It gets better and better.

00:37:54.000 I still have to watch those things.

00:37:55.000 I want more fucking Supernatural, you fucks.

00:37:58.000 Yeah, they really come hard with the supernatural.

00:38:01.000 Well, yeah.

00:38:02.000 Come on.

00:38:02.000 You start off the whole show with that.

00:38:04.000 You get me all roped up in your supernatural.

00:38:07.000 I want to see a little bit more of this.

00:38:08.000 Give him a supernatural.

00:38:09.000 This is what I'm looking for.

00:38:10.000 A little less incest.

00:38:11.000 A little more supernatural.

00:38:12.000 Oh, see, that's where we disagree.

00:38:14.000 I want more incest also.

00:38:16.000 You like the wild brother and sister fucker?

00:38:18.000 It's very strange.

00:38:19.000 I like being surprised.

00:38:21.000 You're like, what?

00:38:23.000 You're just like, is this happening?

00:38:24.000 Which, by the way, probably is how they used to do it.

00:38:27.000 Yeah.

00:38:27.000 Oh, it gets, incest gets even crazier on that show.

00:38:30.000 Oh, I don't even want to know.

00:38:31.000 And that's, that's reality, by the way.

00:38:33.000 That's what people are doing.

00:38:34.000 They were fucking their sisters up until like a week ago.

00:38:36.000 I was in Birmingham.

00:38:37.000 That shit is still going on.

00:38:38.000 I saw some eyes placed God knows where.

00:38:41.000 People are fucking whatever they can, you know?

00:38:43.000 And if you can fuck your sister and no one's gonna know.

00:38:45.000 Hey.

00:38:46.000 Save gas.

00:38:47.000 Fuck your sister.

00:38:48.000 Where's that bumper sticker?

00:38:50.000 Listen, let's make a deal.

00:38:52.000 You want some dick, I want some pussy.

00:38:55.000 I got a dick, you got a pussy.

00:38:57.000 Goddamn, why we gotta outsource?

00:38:58.000 I really wonder how many relationships there are, like brother-sister relationships.

00:39:03.000 I bet it's a lot.

00:39:04.000 It's really like the ultimate form of naturalism.

00:39:06.000 You mean in the South?

00:39:06.000 No, everywhere.

00:39:07.000 In the whole United States, I bet there are a lot of brother-sister relationships.

00:39:11.000 Incest is the ultimate form of keeping it local.

00:39:13.000 Keep it real, keep it local.

00:39:15.000 Keep it local, buy local made, local products.

00:39:18.000 Really, it's a sick feeling, right?

00:39:19.000 Incest is a sick feeling, right?

00:39:21.000 The idea that people would do that.

00:39:22.000 Maybe that's why the idea of nationalism is such a bizarre fucking feeling.

00:39:27.000 What's that?

00:39:29.000 Nationalism?

00:39:30.000 Yeah.

00:39:31.000 Someone really into being from one country.

00:39:34.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:39:34.000 Keep it local.

00:39:36.000 American made.

00:39:37.000 Right.

00:39:37.000 Made right here.

00:39:38.000 I'll pay a little more.

00:39:40.000 There's a Toby Keith song that's made in America, and it's all about you pay a little more, but it's made in America.

00:39:46.000 Relax, Toby.

00:39:48.000 Chill, Tobes.

00:39:49.000 I would like it if it was made in America.

00:39:50.000 Isn't he Australian?

00:39:52.000 No, there's another guy who is.

00:39:54.000 Oh, Urban.

00:39:54.000 Yeah.

00:39:55.000 Keith Urban.

00:39:56.000 I'm way up on the country.

00:39:57.000 I wouldn't mind if things were made in other countries if I thought the people were getting paid.

00:40:01.000 The only thing about America is if you buy a Corvette, you know that someone's got a pension.

00:40:05.000 You know that the people that are making are in the auto union.

00:40:08.000 You really do know how much they get paid.

00:40:10.000 You can find out.

00:40:11.000 Yeah.

00:40:12.000 You buy Nikes, you know, it's like some child, they bound their fingers so they wouldn't grow.

00:40:16.000 Yeah, if you buy, like, Foxconn products, if you buy iPhones or a lot of other cell phones, you know, there's a huge debate right now.

00:40:24.000 They're trying to figure out how to straighten this out in the eyes of the people.

00:40:28.000 Because they've had a ton of suicides, and, you know, their thoughts are...

00:40:32.000 Who?

00:40:32.000 The workers?

00:40:32.000 Foxconn, yeah.

00:40:33.000 They've had a lot of suicides.

00:40:34.000 So much so they've had to install suicide nets.

00:40:37.000 What?

00:40:38.000 Yes, they have suicide nets at the Foxconn building.

00:40:40.000 And people will try to talk you through this.

00:40:42.000 I hate that this is making me laugh.

00:40:42.000 This is not funny, but it's killing me.

00:40:44.000 People are like, well, statistically, that's actually less than the number of suicides in the population in that area.

00:40:49.000 And you're like, first of all, that's a ridiculous thing.

00:40:53.000 Because what you're saying is that the whole time they're alive when they would commit suicide.

00:40:59.000 No.

00:41:00.000 How many people kill themselves at work?

00:41:02.000 At work.

00:41:03.000 At work.

00:41:04.000 In the place that they hate the most.

00:41:06.000 Yeah, you're talking about a completely different experience.

00:41:09.000 No, that's insane.

00:41:10.000 You're talking about people that are living on campus.

00:41:13.000 Hudsucker proxy.

00:41:14.000 Throwing themselves off the fucking roof and smashing their brains onto the concrete to end the pain.

00:41:19.000 We don't see the connection.

00:41:19.000 We can't find the connection.

00:41:20.000 That is statistically less than would be had they been slaves.

00:41:26.000 So sick.

00:41:27.000 Yeah, it's weird.

00:41:28.000 But that's the only way you're going to get a cell phone.

00:41:31.000 There's no other way.

00:41:32.000 I mean, they've tried to figure out how to make them in other countries.

00:41:35.000 And I know they started making iPhones in Brazil.

00:41:38.000 They make some stuff in Korea, South Korea, where they don't have anything remotely like what they've got going on in China.

00:41:46.000 Would you ever hire Foxconn for a small job, like stuffing envelopes or something like that?

00:41:50.000 Because lately I was wondering really how cheap it would be if I just had him do small things.

00:41:55.000 Well, there's a lot of people that start factories in China.

00:41:59.000 And they start factories in China.

00:42:01.000 I know a dude who makes pool cue cases out there.

00:42:04.000 He lives in China.

00:42:05.000 Yeah, I guess, I don't know why you decide, but he's an American guy.

00:42:09.000 And they, you know, their manufacturing is, like, good out there.

00:42:12.000 You get good, skilled craftsmen.

00:42:14.000 And, you know, it's way cheaper for them.

00:42:16.000 And they can make a ton of profit.

00:42:19.000 You know, and I think a lot of them get over there and they actually like it, too, so...

00:42:23.000 I don't know, but it's, I don't, I just don't, I don't think there's a way.

00:42:27.000 They like living there?

00:42:27.000 Yeah, they like living in China.

00:42:29.000 I think a lot of white guys do.

00:42:30.000 Whatever I like.

00:42:30.000 I've talked to a bunch of white guys that have been to China and they say that Chinese girls are like, whoa, this is weird.

00:42:36.000 Look at this white guy.

00:42:36.000 I like him.

00:42:37.000 I think, it makes sense.

00:42:39.000 I think like all dudes are going to wind up with Asian chicks.

00:42:42.000 Really?

00:42:43.000 Yeah, like.

00:42:44.000 How many dudes have you lost to Asian chicks?

00:42:48.000 Well, I haven't lost anybody.

00:42:50.000 But one guy that I dated for years is engaged to...

00:42:55.000 Well, she's Indian, but that's Asia.

00:42:56.000 But it makes sense.

00:42:58.000 There was a whole wave of...

00:43:01.000 Like, black chicks being like, white women are taking our men and they, like, have asses or something.

00:43:07.000 But now, it's like, I don't think we're a real threat.

00:43:10.000 I think the Asian chick is where everybody's going to wind up.

00:43:12.000 It's like going back to an iPhone 3 to an iPhone 5. Yeah, I have nothing.

00:43:16.000 I can't compete with an Asian chick.

00:43:18.000 There is nothing grosser than that white women are taking our men attitude.

00:43:23.000 I know.

00:43:23.000 Like, the idea that you can't like whoever the fuck you like and that black guys are supposed to like you.

00:43:28.000 Yeah.

00:43:29.000 Supposed to like you more.

00:43:31.000 That attitude is the very reason why white girls are preferred by those black guys.

00:43:38.000 Because white girls aren't going to be as crazy.

00:43:40.000 They wouldn't have gotten them.

00:43:45.000 It's like being mad.

00:43:46.000 If that card pulled up more, somebody else would have still gotten that space.

00:43:51.000 Like, that black guy does not want you regardless of what race is happening.

00:43:55.000 It's weird how open that racism is in comparison to the other way around.

00:44:00.000 Don't they know we've been through so much?

00:44:02.000 If it was the other way around and people, you know, if it was a bunch of white girls that were complaining that some girl's getting fucked by a black guy.

00:44:11.000 Yeah.

00:44:11.000 You know, that would be, you know, that would be a completely different thing.

00:44:15.000 Right.

00:44:15.000 That would be like KKK. Yes.

00:44:16.000 And this is like, you know...

00:44:18.000 Hate crimes.

00:44:19.000 It's interesting that you can say, like, why are these white women got to fuck our men?

00:44:23.000 You can say that you're a black chick.

00:44:25.000 But I do think with...

00:44:26.000 I have no anger about the Asian chick thing, but I do think...

00:44:29.000 Like, I'm half joking, but it makes sense, like, the guys gravitating toward them because just the way it used to be.

00:44:37.000 Like, you used to be with a man because, like, he made a living and you kind of needed him and you looked at him like, I need you.

00:44:46.000 I like how you lowered your voice when you said that.

00:44:47.000 I feel like that's how, like, women talk.

00:44:49.000 They're just like, I love you.

00:44:50.000 Do you want dinner?

00:44:52.000 You know, I'm like, what about me?

00:44:54.000 But Asian chicks, you know, like, they're from Asia.

00:44:57.000 This isn't their first language.

00:45:00.000 And they come here and they kind of need you and they're, like, quiet and they, like, have smaller pussies.

00:45:05.000 Oh, that's a lot of good things right there.

00:45:07.000 What am I gonna bring to the table?

00:45:10.000 I've got zero.

00:45:13.000 You're getting happy.

00:45:14.000 You're like, I need an Asian chick.

00:45:16.000 This Asian girl in high school, her name was Konami, which was also a video game company in the 90s.

00:45:25.000 Why do you say her name?

00:45:28.000 He was trying to find her.

00:45:29.000 He wants her back in his life.

00:45:30.000 Maybe I've changed it to a different video game company.

00:45:33.000 Was it Atari?

00:45:36.000 It was a video game company that was popular in the 90s.

00:45:39.000 Her name was Donkey Kong.

00:45:42.000 But all the boys, or boys, the guys liked her because video games were really popular in the 90s.

00:45:48.000 So she had this extra kind of glow to her.

00:45:51.000 Because of her name?

00:45:52.000 Yeah.

00:45:53.000 I think you're crazy.

00:45:54.000 Brian grew up in a test city.

00:45:58.000 That the government literally would test the humans.

00:46:04.000 It's true.

00:46:05.000 They'd test them.

00:46:06.000 And I'm pretty sure parts of his life were actually artificially created by the government to gauge reactions.

00:46:12.000 That explains a lot about you.

00:46:13.000 Yeah, he's like a test subject.

00:46:14.000 He got cereal that no one else got when they were kids.

00:46:17.000 I think you're failing the test, Brian.

00:46:19.000 No, there's no failing.

00:46:21.000 He is what he is.

00:46:22.000 You cannot fail that test.

00:46:23.000 Aww, look how sweet you are with him.

00:46:24.000 That's true, you can't fail that test.

00:46:25.000 The government just wants to know what's going on in there.

00:46:28.000 So Konami told me that their pussies are tighter because they kneel all day.

00:46:33.000 Because they kneel all day.

00:46:34.000 And it tightens up the pussy.

00:46:36.000 You guys, do you mind if I do the rest of the show from...

00:46:40.000 Are we going under our desk?

00:46:43.000 She's trying to tighten up her pussy.

00:46:44.000 You guys, do you mind if I just take a quick...

00:46:46.000 Can we just move this mic down?

00:46:47.000 No.

00:46:49.000 Did you imagine if that's all you had to do?

00:46:50.000 Women just found that out so they started kneeling at business meetings.

00:46:54.000 I'm on the subway like, oh no, I don't need a seat.

00:46:57.000 Just trying to keep Bob happy.

00:46:59.000 It'd be like a big joke.

00:47:00.000 You wouldn't be able to hide it.

00:47:01.000 It'd be like when you get fake tits.

00:47:03.000 You can't pretend you didn't get fake tits.

00:47:05.000 One day you're flat and the next day they're huge.

00:47:07.000 Hey, I'm just trying to keep my husband happy.

00:47:09.000 That's the same thing you do when you kneel everywhere.

00:47:11.000 I don't know.

00:47:12.000 Is that what it is?

00:47:13.000 There's a lot of different reasons, I'm sure.

00:47:14.000 For getting implants?

00:47:15.000 Yeah.

00:47:16.000 Oh, God.

00:47:17.000 I'm not doing it.

00:47:17.000 I think I'm never gonna get any work done.

00:47:20.000 You're never gonna get any work done?

00:47:21.000 No.

00:47:22.000 You don't need to.

00:47:23.000 Well, I mean, like, I drink, so I'm probably gonna age like dog shit, but I'm just gonna let shit hit the fan.

00:47:29.000 Yeah, you gotta just let it ride, Tara Reade style.

00:47:32.000 Maybe shave off a little off your shoulders.

00:47:34.000 Well...

00:47:34.000 You have, like, it looks like you have, like, those things in, like, a suit jacket, the cushions, but in your shoulder.

00:47:40.000 But in my shoulder?

00:47:41.000 Yeah.

00:47:41.000 It looks like what?

00:47:42.000 What are they called?

00:47:43.000 The shoulder pads.

00:47:44.000 It looks like you have shoulder pads in your shoulder, so maybe just get a little bit shaved off right there.

00:47:47.000 Well, I play volleyball.

00:47:48.000 Oh, that's why.

00:47:49.000 You were telling her to get her shoulders shaved off?

00:47:51.000 Can you imagine if it was that easy?

00:47:53.000 It's like, you've got too much muscle here.

00:47:54.000 We're just going to carve this away.

00:47:56.000 Can you imagine?

00:47:58.000 People do that stuff.

00:47:59.000 No, I played volleyball, and I think that it...

00:48:03.000 I like how I look.

00:48:05.000 Eat a dick, Brian.

00:48:06.000 I was just kidding.

00:48:07.000 Yeah.

00:48:08.000 Alright, let's talk about your flaws.

00:48:10.000 He doesn't like to be around women that he's pretty sure can kick his ass.

00:48:14.000 That's really what fucks him up.

00:48:15.000 We had Ronda Rousey in here.

00:48:17.000 Do you know who she is?

00:48:18.000 No.

00:48:18.000 Strikeforce women's MMA champion.

00:48:20.000 Oh, shit.

00:48:21.000 She's a beast.

00:48:21.000 I like those chicks.

00:48:23.000 Brian was so subservient to her.

00:48:25.000 I was scared to give her a hug.

00:48:26.000 She's like, get over here.

00:48:27.000 I won't bite.

00:48:28.000 You didn't give me a hug.

00:48:29.000 You didn't give me a hug.

00:48:31.000 Well, I used to do it at the end like a proper gentleman.

00:48:33.000 At the beginning, I don't do a hug.

00:48:35.000 No.

00:48:35.000 I hate that.

00:48:36.000 Where were you?

00:48:38.000 He was so cute.

00:48:39.000 He was adorable.

00:48:40.000 He was so terrified of her.

00:48:42.000 It was like he was in the room with a tiger that he wanted to pet, but he was too scared to.

00:48:46.000 Aww.

00:48:46.000 That's exactly what it's like.

00:48:48.000 Rhonda, by the way, one of the coolest fucking people you ever meet.

00:48:50.000 She's strikingly beautiful.

00:48:52.000 She's very, very pretty.

00:48:53.000 I want to see a picture of her.

00:48:54.000 Can you pull a picture of her?

00:48:56.000 She's gorgeous.

00:48:58.000 It's not even a debate.

00:49:00.000 She's a 10. Yeah, and she's a killer.

00:49:03.000 She was a women's Olympic judo medalist.

00:49:06.000 She medaled bronze in the Olympics.

00:49:09.000 I think she was the first woman to ever win a medal in the Olympics in judo.

00:49:13.000 Shit.

00:49:14.000 Is she married?

00:49:15.000 For America.

00:49:15.000 No.

00:49:15.000 Did you guys, did anybody go for it?

00:49:17.000 Nobody busted a move.

00:49:19.000 Why not?

00:49:19.000 Well, I'm married, and Brian is terrified of her.

00:49:22.000 Do you want naked or not naked?

00:49:24.000 Eddie Bravo's getting married.

00:49:25.000 I'll take naked.

00:49:26.000 Yeah, get her in her underwear so we can see.

00:49:28.000 What's up?

00:49:29.000 What's up?

00:49:29.000 She's hot as fuck.

00:49:30.000 Wow.

00:49:31.000 Yeah, that's a killer.

00:49:32.000 She's so beautiful.

00:49:33.000 Oh my god, I'm in love with her.

00:49:35.000 And she's just like a badass.

00:49:36.000 Can I see an action shot?

00:49:38.000 Oh dude, what's that press conference?

00:49:39.000 She broke the girl's arm in her last fight.

00:49:41.000 She got her in an armbar.

00:49:43.000 She got her in an armbar.

00:49:44.000 I fall in love with girls.

00:49:44.000 The girl didn't tap and so she snapped her arm.

00:49:46.000 Oh my god, I love her.

00:49:47.000 Yeah, she's a fucking beast too.

00:49:48.000 She looks young.

00:49:49.000 She is young.

00:49:50.000 She's only 25. Damn.

00:49:54.000 I don't want to see her butthole.

00:49:55.000 Brian, please clean up your act.

00:49:57.000 It was just Easter.

00:49:58.000 That's not her either.

00:49:59.000 That's Misha.

00:50:00.000 Thank you.

00:50:01.000 That's a different girl.

00:50:02.000 That's her to the right.

00:50:04.000 That's her to the right of that picture.

00:50:05.000 I want to see her in action.

00:50:07.000 Go down.

00:50:07.000 Come on.

00:50:08.000 That's a hot chick.

00:50:09.000 It's hard to believe that that's a killer.

00:50:11.000 Go down to that picture, dude.

00:50:13.000 I was going to do a video.

00:50:15.000 I want to see her fucking somebody up.

00:50:18.000 I don't think you're going to find the video.

00:50:20.000 I'll just do a highlight reel.

00:50:24.000 She comes out with a pink E on.

00:50:26.000 Oh my god.

00:50:26.000 I love her.

00:50:28.000 What a nightmare.

00:50:29.000 A hot chick that could beat the fuck out of you.

00:50:31.000 When is she coming back on, Joe?

00:50:32.000 I love her.

00:50:32.000 I don't know.

00:50:33.000 We'll work on something.

00:50:34.000 She just won the title.

00:50:35.000 I think I'd like to do this stuff.

00:50:39.000 Look at this.

00:50:40.000 Snap.

00:50:41.000 I don't watch this.

00:50:43.000 That's a whole...

00:50:43.000 She's broken a couple girls' arms.

00:50:47.000 I'm just going to look at you, Amy, instead.

00:50:49.000 I'm going to look at your eyes while you watch this.

00:50:51.000 What a consolation prize.

00:50:52.000 What a shitty...

00:50:55.000 She's a beast.

00:50:56.000 She is.

00:50:57.000 I love her.

00:51:01.000 Look at her.

00:51:02.000 She's a badass at fucking judo.

00:51:04.000 Look at that.

00:51:04.000 And this is her singing the song also, isn't it?

00:51:07.000 No, it's not.

00:51:08.000 You asshole.

00:51:10.000 She actually filmed and edited this herself.

00:51:12.000 Sweat these arm bars.

00:51:13.000 This is nasty shit.

00:51:15.000 See, in judo, they stand you up way quicker than they do in MMA or even in jiu-jitsu.

00:51:19.000 They don't really stand you up usually in jiu-jitsu, but In judo, they have to go for their submissions really quickly.

00:51:25.000 Because once they get to the ground, they've got to get a submission on before the referee gets to them.

00:51:30.000 And she developed the ability to snap arm bars on people with lightning speed.

00:51:35.000 And I don't think any of these girls are ready for that shit.

00:51:39.000 She's so good at it.

00:51:41.000 Everybody else takes way more time to go for shit.

00:51:43.000 She's just got a few techniques, especially arm bars, just completely locked down.

00:51:48.000 Yeah.

00:51:48.000 And when you roll with her, it's almost just a matter of time before she gets one of those on you, because you're probably not used to anybody having the kind of submissions that she has, where they just, she explodes on you, she's strong as fuck, and she's super technical.

00:52:02.000 Look at that arm bar.

00:52:02.000 You see how, do you see how, watch that, but just back that up a second.

00:52:06.000 There's like no space in between her body and that girl's face.

00:52:10.000 As she moves around, when she locks this chick down, she starts beating on her, and as soon as she has this arm, watch that!

00:52:15.000 See how fast that goes?

00:52:16.000 She swung that leg over her face.

00:52:18.000 She knew exactly where her face was.

00:52:21.000 Clamp that shit down.

00:52:22.000 There was no air in there.

00:52:23.000 That was death.

00:52:24.000 There was no getting out of that.

00:52:25.000 I just think she's really pretty.

00:52:26.000 Look at her pouty lips, yeah.

00:52:27.000 If she wanted to make out with you, would you go lesbo for a little bit?

00:52:30.000 Yes.

00:52:31.000 Yeah.

00:52:31.000 You would?

00:52:32.000 Yeah.

00:52:32.000 Wow.

00:52:34.000 I think you would have to.

00:52:35.000 Yeah, I've never hooked up with a girl, but I get major girl crushes.

00:52:39.000 You never hooked up with a girl, but you're open to the idea.

00:52:41.000 Do you want to?

00:52:42.000 I hope I at least hook up with a girl at least once.

00:52:45.000 I can arrange that.

00:52:46.000 The hottest girls ever.

00:52:48.000 I don't want...

00:52:48.000 I could let you choose from a book.

00:52:49.000 No, I like girls like that.

00:52:50.000 You're going to get crabs.

00:52:51.000 I'm going to get crabs?

00:52:53.000 From this guy.

00:52:53.000 Oh, yeah.

00:52:54.000 Oh, yeah.

00:52:55.000 Mr. Lobster Brian over here.

00:52:57.000 No, I'm not letting you set me up.

00:52:58.000 Mr. Lobster?

00:52:59.000 Oh, you can eat me.

00:53:01.000 You're not setting me up with anybody.

00:53:03.000 Yeah, I would say no, don't let him do that.

00:53:05.000 No, that's not happening.

00:53:05.000 Come to me, I'm your filter.

00:53:07.000 I'm gonna just...

00:53:07.000 I'm gonna be real with you.

00:53:08.000 I'm gonna be real with you about this whole lesbian thing.

00:53:10.000 I trust neither of you at all.

00:53:12.000 Do you want to go camping this week?

00:53:13.000 Not even a little bit.

00:53:14.000 We're the ones who got you high.

00:53:15.000 How can you not trust us?

00:53:16.000 I remember.

00:53:17.000 That's why you're so happy right now.

00:53:17.000 I still have the bruise from the IV in my arm.

00:53:19.000 And you guys are like, you need this.

00:53:21.000 And I was like, no.

00:53:22.000 And then I said, yes, right before you blew all the smoke in my face.

00:53:26.000 I could tell you were gonna do that.

00:53:28.000 I was like, just give it to me and don't blow this smoke in my face.

00:53:31.000 Fuck, you guys are the worst friends.

00:53:33.000 Aren't you glad you did?

00:53:34.000 It felt good, right?

00:53:35.000 You don't feel sick or anything?

00:53:36.000 No, I feel fine.

00:53:37.000 This weed is so strong that we hotboxed Fitzsimmons back here and he went on stage high and he couldn't remember his act.

00:53:41.000 Oh, I would love to see him high.

00:53:43.000 Did you see it?

00:53:44.000 Oh, he's great high, yeah.

00:53:45.000 I've been high with Greg before.

00:53:46.000 I would love to see him.

00:53:47.000 He's essentially, I don't know if he talks about it, I know he was smoking pot for a little while, but then he stopped doing that too.

00:53:52.000 But he went for, when I met him, he was an alcoholic when we were like 21 together.

00:53:57.000 And then he quit it, like instantly.

00:54:00.000 Just cold turkey.

00:54:01.000 Wow.

00:54:02.000 Yeah.

00:54:02.000 No AA. Did he have something happen?

00:54:06.000 No, he just decided he was fucking up his life.

00:54:08.000 Yeah.

00:54:08.000 You know, he was pretty smart about it.

00:54:09.000 But then later he realized that he could smoke pot.

00:54:12.000 You know, because if you talk to like a Dr. Drew type character, they'll tell you you can't do that.

00:54:16.000 They'll tell you that you can't indulge in any substances.

00:54:20.000 Yeah.

00:54:21.000 But some people even have, you know, I don't want to ever encourage anybody to even try this, but I know that some people used to be alcoholics, took a long time off drinking, and then began drinking casually.

00:54:34.000 Really?

00:54:34.000 Yes.

00:54:35.000 Like more than one people?

00:54:37.000 Yeah, well, I think there's different levels of alcoholism.

00:54:40.000 That's what we have to realize.

00:54:41.000 I think there's some physiological connections.

00:54:45.000 There's some people, they just have that gene, whatever that wacky gene is, and they can't drink at all.

00:54:51.000 Or they will go off.

00:54:52.000 They'll go off the rails.

00:54:53.000 And then there's other folks that it was a compulsion and it could have been beating off, it could have been gambling, it could have been a million different things but it happened to be drinking.

00:55:03.000 Yeah.

00:55:03.000 And then they realized that this is an issue that they have with their own psychology and then slowly over time they evolve it and then one day they're at a party and they have a glass of wine and they're fine and they don't want to go out and get cocaine and beat people up and So many comics don't drink because they are self-proclaimed alcoholics.

00:55:23.000 Yeah, I feel like most of the time I'm the only comic drinking.

00:55:27.000 Well, I'm happy when I see a guy like Atel.

00:55:30.000 Atel, Colin, Norton, Bobby.

00:55:34.000 But Norton has been clean since he was 19. Very much like Smith-Simmons, really.

00:55:41.000 Yeah.

00:55:41.000 I think Morton was on a bunch of different shit.

00:55:44.000 Was he?

00:55:44.000 I never knew any of those guys when they were boozing.

00:55:48.000 I knew Attell a little bit, but I never saw him wasted or anything like that.

00:55:53.000 Yeah, I've seen him wasted.

00:55:54.000 I've seen him wasted at the improv.

00:55:55.000 It's nice to see a guy figure out, well, this is not good for me.

00:55:59.000 Yeah, this is probably better to not do this.

00:56:01.000 Let me just take this back a notch.

00:56:02.000 Wake up in an alley.

00:56:03.000 Yeah, I've always been, even when I was a drinker, you know, like when I didn't smoke pot and I only would, you know, drink on weekends or whatever I would do, it was never something that I had to do.

00:56:16.000 I just could do it or not do it.

00:56:17.000 Yeah.

00:56:18.000 But we all know somebody that's not like that.

00:56:20.000 We all know that one dude that's just itching for that drink all day.

00:56:22.000 And it's not fun to be around them.

00:56:24.000 Oh.

00:56:24.000 What's the worst?

00:56:25.000 When they get off and then they start drinking like right away.

00:56:28.000 And they don't realize that it's not like that for you.

00:56:30.000 Right.

00:56:31.000 You know, like my friend who's now sober, like we would go out and he'd be like, let's get a shot and a beer.

00:56:37.000 And I'd be like, okay.

00:56:38.000 And then right away he's like, all right, another shot.

00:56:40.000 And you're like, oh, drinking's different for us.

00:56:43.000 Yeah.

00:56:43.000 Those shot people are always weird.

00:56:45.000 I didn't even want to do a shot.

00:56:46.000 Especially on Tuesdays.

00:56:48.000 Those Tuesday drunks, that's a commitment.

00:56:51.000 I'm more of a light beer, Miller light drinker.

00:56:55.000 I'll just drink, it's almost like water to me.

00:57:00.000 I like a beer.

00:57:01.000 I like doing shots too when we have shows and stuff and we're just all hanging out and piling around together.

00:57:08.000 But just drinking for the sake of drinking, I kind of got tired of that a long time ago.

00:57:12.000 You know, drinking does facilitate great conversation, though.

00:57:15.000 You have some fucking fun, loose conversations when you're around a bunch of people that can handle their liquor.

00:57:22.000 You know, you have three or four beers and everybody starts laughing and being friendly.

00:57:26.000 As long as you're only around that.

00:57:28.000 But one person in the mix that just has that kind of zombie difference.

00:57:34.000 It ruins it.

00:57:36.000 And we're so sensitive to other people's energy that if there's that one person...

00:57:43.000 And it's also the same kind of people where it's just never enough for them.

00:57:46.000 You'll be out until four in the morning and you're like, all right.

00:57:49.000 And they're like, you're leaving now.

00:57:50.000 Oh, you pussy.

00:57:51.000 And you're like, yeah, because I'm an adult.

00:57:53.000 I'm trying to live my life.

00:57:55.000 Yeah, I really don't like the really pushy 5 o'clock in the morning party people.

00:58:00.000 It's an after hours.

00:58:02.000 Come on.

00:58:02.000 I've been doing that lately, though.

00:58:03.000 Like, last week or so.

00:58:05.000 Going out lately.

00:58:05.000 But it's just comedy store shit.

00:58:07.000 Because comedy store, they go rocking all night long, man.

00:58:10.000 Don Barris is on stage just doing crazy shit.

00:58:13.000 Once in a while.

00:58:13.000 I think that's fun.

00:58:14.000 Yeah.

00:58:15.000 Yeah, but...

00:58:16.000 But I don't know.

00:58:16.000 That was always the best part about the comedy store.

00:58:18.000 Yeah.

00:58:18.000 Late night, in that back parking lot.

00:58:20.000 Yeah.

00:58:21.000 When I said that back parking lot should be a goddamn sitcom.

00:58:23.000 It should be.

00:58:23.000 Is the comedy store like the seller?

00:58:25.000 Like, is it where comics all hang out together?

00:58:27.000 Not really, because the ownership is a mess, and the people running in are a mess.

00:58:30.000 But what the place is, though, what it represents is like...

00:58:33.000 You know, I mean, one of the oldest clubs in the country, one of the oldest in Hollywood, and with great history of, like, so many comedians.

00:58:41.000 So many comedians started out there.

00:58:42.000 And I started out there, really.

00:58:44.000 I mean, I didn't start out there, but I got good there.

00:58:46.000 That's where I became a real comedian.

00:58:49.000 The comedy store, for sure.

00:58:50.000 I had done it before that, but, uh...

00:58:53.000 I think it was my time at the Comedy Store when I was just on TV, when I really started dedicating myself to stand-up.

00:59:02.000 That's the place that helped me develop because it's so fucked up there.

00:59:07.000 Ari and I were just talking about this last night.

00:59:09.000 He was talking about how he just started, Ari's got like, Ari Shafir has all these headlining gigs now.

00:59:14.000 He's fucking selling places out.

00:59:16.000 Is it because of this podcast?

00:59:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:59:18.000 That's cool.

00:59:18.000 It's because of this podcast and his podcast.

00:59:20.000 It's just really what it was is just people weren't aware of him.

00:59:24.000 Right.

00:59:24.000 You know, and now they're aware of him now.

00:59:26.000 And I've talked about him with, I'm like, it's so good that it's happened to you now because you've been doing stand-up for 10 years.

00:59:32.000 He's ready.

00:59:33.000 Yeah, he's ready.

00:59:34.000 Yeah.

00:59:35.000 He's been in front of the craziest crowds ever.

00:59:37.000 He's been in front of my crowds, which are like UFC fans.

00:59:42.000 First it was UFC fans, then it became podcast fans who were just fucking savages.

00:59:46.000 And then it's the store.

00:59:48.000 He's at the store in front of Maniacs.

00:59:51.000 That is like the vortex on Sunset where all the nutty fucking people come.

00:59:56.000 Just merely homeless.

00:59:57.000 Brian used to film people backstage.

01:00:00.000 We filmed like a hooker came back and told us exactly how she ran her business and explained some stuff.

01:00:08.000 We had a guy come back that told us he was the Holy Spirit.

01:00:11.000 I mean, every week we would meet some new fucking crazy person in that place.

01:00:16.000 People are crazier here than me.

01:00:16.000 They are really crazy.

01:00:18.000 That Sunset Strip is the epicenter of crazy in this country.

01:00:22.000 That Sunset Strip.

01:00:23.000 The homeless people here are scary.

01:00:25.000 Did you ever see the dude at the store that comes by with the cross?

01:00:28.000 He puts himself on a cross.

01:00:30.000 He doesn't come around anymore.

01:00:31.000 Now we actually have a way better Jesus.

01:00:34.000 He's a nice guy.

01:00:35.000 Hollywood Jesus.

01:00:37.000 Yeah, the Hollywood Jesus.

01:00:38.000 They would have these kids and they would all be yelling out different passages in the Bible while one guy was strapped to a cross, a wooden cross, and they were walking down the street with him saying, he died for your sins, he died for...

01:00:53.000 It was fucking crazy.

01:00:55.000 And they would always stop right in front of the store and proselytize.

01:00:59.000 They would stop right there.

01:01:00.000 They would figure, well, this is the place we're going to fix the world right here.

01:01:03.000 We're going to find these fucking dirty comedians smoking pot.

01:01:06.000 The worst human beings in LA. The worst entertainers.

01:01:10.000 The most depraved entertainers in LA, for sure.

01:01:13.000 Stand-up comedians at the store.

01:01:15.000 And they would stop by.

01:01:16.000 That's the episode.

01:01:17.000 It was a really, really bizarre place.

01:01:19.000 It would have made for an amazing...

01:01:20.000 They tried to do a reality show on it, but it was mostly just following Pauly around.

01:01:24.000 It was fake realities.

01:01:26.000 Pauly who?

01:01:26.000 Pauly Shore.

01:01:27.000 Remember him?

01:01:29.000 I saw him last night.

01:01:30.000 Did you?

01:01:31.000 Yeah.

01:01:31.000 Was he nice to you?

01:01:32.000 Yeah.

01:01:32.000 Did you guys hug or did you just shake hands?

01:01:34.000 No, just kiss on the lips.

01:01:36.000 What'd you do?

01:01:36.000 How'd you deal with it?

01:01:37.000 Do you hug or shake hands?

01:01:38.000 Huh?

01:01:39.000 Hug or shake hands?

01:01:40.000 Shake hands to hug?

01:01:41.000 No, I think I just said hi.

01:01:43.000 I don't even think I touched it.

01:01:44.000 Just hi?

01:01:44.000 No touching?

01:01:45.000 Not even like a little...

01:01:47.000 I don't remember though.

01:01:48.000 I could be totally wrong.

01:01:49.000 You don't remember?

01:01:49.000 You might have been raped again.

01:01:51.000 Did you take a dick last night, Brian?

01:01:53.000 Sometimes UFOs pick him up in the middle of the night because he's part of the Columbus thing.

01:01:58.000 You leave Columbus, but you never really leave Columbus because the aliens will come and do additional research on you.

01:02:05.000 So that's Brian's gig.

01:02:06.000 Like Columbus, Ohio?

01:02:07.000 Yeah.

01:02:08.000 Exactly.

01:02:08.000 Which I'll be there May 17th.

01:02:10.000 Yeah, you're going to be there with Joey Diaz.

01:02:12.000 It's a Joey Diaz and Brian Redband world tour.

01:02:15.000 Yeah, and we just added a second show because the first show sold out.

01:02:17.000 So go to Desco.tv.

01:02:18.000 Oh, shit.

01:02:18.000 Oh, can I say something?

01:02:20.000 My man's selling out.

01:02:21.000 Can I say a thing?

01:02:22.000 Yeah, go ahead.

01:02:23.000 Say your thing.

01:02:24.000 What's up?

01:02:24.000 I don't know.

01:02:25.000 I'm looking at my phone calendar.

01:02:27.000 Your phone calendar.

01:02:27.000 I am...

01:02:28.000 Should I go to your website?

01:02:29.000 Oh, I've got it.

01:02:30.000 Okay.

01:02:31.000 Tampa next weekend.

01:02:33.000 Ooh.

01:02:33.000 And then Denver Comedy Works.

01:02:35.000 Oh, my phone.

01:02:35.000 The weekend of the 27th.

01:02:37.000 Oh, dude, you have a cool site.

01:02:38.000 Thank you.

01:02:39.000 With muffins and shit.

01:02:40.000 And a black eye.

01:02:41.000 And once a month, this is my favorite thing I've got going on.

01:02:43.000 I'm at the Riviera.

01:02:44.000 Oh.

01:02:44.000 At the Starlight Room.

01:02:46.000 Dude.

01:02:47.000 Yeah, I've got once a month I'm there, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

01:02:50.000 Oh, that's fun.

01:02:50.000 I love, I'm like loving Vegas.

01:02:52.000 Wow, that's crazy.

01:02:54.000 Do you think you could be like one of those, like, you know, I'm telling you, what was that woman who was the, Rita Rudner?

01:03:01.000 Yeah, does she still have a thing there?

01:03:02.000 Yeah, she still has a thing there.

01:03:04.000 Rita Rudner was always like, kind of like, you know, she was a headliner, a national headliner, but when she settled down in Vegas and like only did a show at this one place, that's when I think she started making crazy movies.

01:03:16.000 I'm loving the crowds.

01:03:18.000 It's the RIV. How long have you been doing it?

01:03:20.000 I've done two weekends already.

01:03:23.000 Really?

01:03:24.000 Yeah, and it's been great.

01:03:25.000 So you do one weekend out of the month?

01:03:26.000 I do one weekend a month.

01:03:27.000 It's me headlining.

01:03:30.000 Their marketing is Amy Schumer's Slaughterhouse, and it's me and...

01:03:34.000 Jackie Monaghan and then one other female comic, like Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein.

01:03:40.000 That's fucking awesome.

01:03:41.000 Yeah, it's a fun show.

01:03:42.000 It's like this old-timey theater, The Starlight.

01:03:46.000 Do you have every single weekend marked off?

01:03:50.000 Like, what if something comes up?

01:03:52.000 They've been cool about, like, I'm filming a special.

01:03:55.000 They were like, no problem, just change it.

01:03:58.000 Oh, well, that's great.

01:03:59.000 Yeah, I love it.

01:04:00.000 Like, I'm loving it.

01:04:01.000 So it's once a month?

01:04:02.000 Is it like the last weekend of every month?

01:04:04.000 No, it's kind of all over the map.

01:04:06.000 All over the map.

01:04:06.000 And so people can follow this on Twitter?

01:04:09.000 Yeah, on Twitter.

01:04:10.000 Or it'll be on my site.

01:04:11.000 On your Twitter page?

01:04:12.000 Yeah.

01:04:13.000 Is there a Twitter page just for that show?

01:04:14.000 Not yet, but there will be.

01:04:15.000 It should be, right?

01:04:16.000 It went really well the first two weekends.

01:04:19.000 Because right now I'm splitting it with dice.

01:04:22.000 Oh!

01:04:22.000 He's there.

01:04:23.000 He's supposed to do the podcast.

01:04:24.000 I gotta get a hold of him.

01:04:26.000 Yeah, he's there when I'm not there.

01:04:29.000 And maybe like, I think, and Gilbert.

01:04:31.000 Godfrey.

01:04:31.000 Oh yeah, really?

01:04:32.000 I love Gilbert.

01:04:33.000 Yeah, but it's been cool.

01:04:35.000 I'm digging the shit out of Vegas.

01:04:37.000 Wow, that's crazy.

01:04:39.000 You're going to be a Vegas girl.

01:04:40.000 What do you dig about Vegas?

01:04:41.000 The hookers?

01:04:41.000 The meth?

01:04:42.000 No, I don't like big crowds or people drinking for the first time, but I really like the Sunday show.

01:04:51.000 I've been there a couple days during the week now, and Vegas is very cool, not on the weekends.

01:04:55.000 What is it like?

01:04:56.000 Is it locals?

01:04:57.000 Yeah, everyone is very chill, and they're like, okay, now we have our world back.

01:05:02.000 Really?

01:05:02.000 Yeah, it's a totally different vibe.

01:05:04.000 It's really nice.

01:05:05.000 Wow.

01:05:06.000 It's a crazy goddamn city.

01:05:08.000 Yeah.

01:05:08.000 It is a crazy goddamn city.

01:05:10.000 To have a city where everything stays open 24 hours a day, strip clubs, food, booze, cabs, keep moving, stay up.

01:05:18.000 You need coke?

01:05:18.000 I got coke.

01:05:19.000 Everything.

01:05:20.000 Boom, boom, boom.

01:05:21.000 I didn't even know I needed that.

01:05:22.000 Yeah, you didn't even know you needed it until you got it.

01:05:25.000 I didn't know I needed a coke or a tranny.

01:05:26.000 Norton should move there.

01:05:27.000 No, I, uh, but it's like every night all the girls, like, they're all, like, these young girls squeezed into these tube dresses and the heels are so, like, and they've, they're just walking like, um.

01:05:38.000 They look so uncomfortable.

01:05:40.000 They don't even know what they want.

01:05:42.000 They don't know.

01:05:43.000 They're putting their ass in a catapult, spreading their legs, and just launching that vagina at the crowd.

01:05:49.000 Launching it at the enemy.

01:05:50.000 But there's no way to do it.

01:05:51.000 It's like everybody's splitting.

01:05:52.000 There's ten girls in a hotel room.

01:05:54.000 Yeah, there's always that.

01:05:55.000 And the dudes are all just so psyched, wearing their...

01:05:58.000 They're just like, fuck yeah.

01:06:00.000 Men with perfume on and shit.

01:06:02.000 What do you think about cologne?

01:06:03.000 What do you think about when you're about to make out with a guy and you smell some artificial smell on him?

01:06:08.000 I like a guy's smell, normal smell, but I don't mind some Old Spice.

01:06:13.000 Old Spice.

01:06:13.000 Is that what you draw the line?

01:06:15.000 I don't know.

01:06:16.000 That's what daddy used to have.

01:06:16.000 How many dudes do you think bought 50 cents cologne?

01:06:20.000 I still wear cologne, Joe.

01:06:21.000 I know you're against it, but I wear cologne.

01:06:23.000 Well, if I was you, I'd probably be into it.

01:06:25.000 What does that mean?

01:06:27.000 Needs whatever help he gets.

01:06:28.000 No, no, no.

01:06:29.000 I mean, I spray a little axe on my balls, spray a little squirt on my neck before I leave.

01:06:36.000 Does axe, when you spray on the balls, does it sting?

01:06:38.000 No.

01:06:39.000 I have no open sores like you.

01:06:42.000 How dare you.

01:06:43.000 Do you not shave your balls?

01:06:45.000 I did not shave my balls.

01:06:46.000 I have shaved my balls and then put aftershave on my balls just to see what it would feel like.

01:06:49.000 How'd it go?

01:06:50.000 Whoa.

01:06:51.000 It was not...

01:06:52.000 I'll tell you, it didn't really...

01:06:54.000 It hurt, but it was more like...

01:06:56.000 I would say more like a really alert sensation than a pain.

01:07:00.000 Reminded you of each follicle.

01:07:03.000 It was like there was no cuts, luckily.

01:07:05.000 I didn't injure my balls during the shaving.

01:07:07.000 No nicking your balls?

01:07:08.000 No, there was no nicking.

01:07:09.000 I fortunately had a really good razor.

01:07:10.000 Was this for an event?

01:07:11.000 Yeah, the event is I like to see my balls.

01:07:15.000 The unveiling.

01:07:16.000 I don't want balls to be covered.

01:07:17.000 And now my balls are so salt and pepper.

01:07:20.000 It's so sad.

01:07:21.000 That's so sad.

01:07:22.000 It's literally maybe 20%.

01:07:24.000 No, not 20, but 10. I'd say 1 out of 10. They look like the chocolate munchkins.

01:07:29.000 Yeah, 1 out of 10 is gray.

01:07:31.000 And I'm like, they're going.

01:07:33.000 They're going, so I don't like looking at them, so I shave the balls.

01:07:36.000 They're my boobs.

01:07:37.000 No one's into gray pubes.

01:07:39.000 Not girls, not guys.

01:07:40.000 Yeah, that's not distinguished.

01:07:42.000 I saw a dude at Runyon yesterday, and he had facial hair from here down, thick.

01:07:49.000 Like, he looked like a wolf.

01:07:50.000 And he was walking with all these overweight Hispanic chicks and yelling at them, so I caught up to one of them in the front, and I was like, is that your teacher?

01:07:58.000 And she's like, Yeah.

01:08:00.000 And I was like, what's up with his hair?

01:08:02.000 And she's like, his wife likes it like that.

01:08:03.000 And I was like, oh my god.

01:08:05.000 Wow, maybe she's got a really hairy pussy and they lock up like Velcro.

01:08:08.000 Oh my god, I can't imagine.

01:08:10.000 And that's how she makes sure she keeps eating.

01:08:12.000 Eat that pussy, I won't let you go.

01:08:13.000 Oh, you think?

01:08:14.000 Let me go out of my mouth, you start.

01:08:16.000 You think she's Hispanic?

01:08:17.000 Eat that pussy, I won't let you go.

01:08:19.000 Well, I'm thinking, you know, hairy box.

01:08:21.000 You gotta go with either that or Lebanese.

01:08:23.000 I don't know how to do a Lebanese accent.

01:08:25.000 Well, give it a shot.

01:08:26.000 Hi, guys.

01:08:27.000 How's it going?

01:08:27.000 No, that's not...

01:08:28.000 No, that's...

01:08:30.000 I don't think that's Lebanese.

01:08:30.000 That's like a cartoon.

01:08:32.000 Yeah, Brian.

01:08:33.000 Hey, Mickey!

01:08:33.000 That's Mickey.

01:08:33.000 The Lebanese will fuck you up, Brian.

01:08:35.000 Be careful.

01:08:35.000 Brian, you're making me sad.

01:08:36.000 Those people are no joke.

01:08:38.000 You're making me sad with your racist comments.

01:08:40.000 Oh, my God.

01:08:40.000 We're trying to, like, promote, like, unity in here.

01:08:44.000 I'm sorry.

01:08:45.000 I'm sorry.

01:08:45.000 You know how we were talking about on the podcast the other day about these giant packs of wolves in the Soviet Union?

01:08:51.000 Somebody sent me a tweet right afterwards about a story where these 400 wolves had killed 30 horses.

01:09:00.000 A pack of 400 wolves.

01:09:02.000 Apparently it's like from over a year ago.

01:09:04.000 But he just tweeted me to show me how bad it actually got.

01:09:07.000 There were pictures?

01:09:08.000 Oh, I don't know.

01:09:09.000 They didn't have pictures.

01:09:10.000 They just had the article about how they're hiring teams of hunters to go after these wolves.

01:09:14.000 This is an unprecedented size pack.

01:09:16.000 They usually go in packs of less than a dozen.

01:09:20.000 Much smaller packs.

01:09:21.000 Fuck, wolves are taking over.

01:09:23.000 It's like Game of Thrones.

01:09:24.000 In the Soviet Union?

01:09:25.000 In the Soviet Union.

01:09:26.000 That's scary shit.

01:09:27.000 There's some spots where former Soviet Union...

01:09:28.000 What do you call it now?

01:09:29.000 Russia?

01:09:29.000 Cancel spring break.

01:09:30.000 What do you call it now?

01:09:31.000 Russia.

01:09:32.000 Because Russia's only part of it, right?

01:09:33.000 Oh, yeah.

01:09:34.000 Yeah.

01:09:34.000 Whatever it is, it's like, I think this is happening, like, up north.

01:09:38.000 And it's, you know, these poor people are just living up there.

01:09:40.000 Wherever it is, it's north.

01:09:41.000 We can agree on that, right?

01:09:42.000 It fucking sucks.

01:09:43.000 It sucks to live up there, and apparently the wolves are starving, so they just got together.

01:09:48.000 And they said, listen, all of us together.

01:09:50.000 I guess they figured it out.

01:09:52.000 It's overpopulating?

01:09:53.000 Six people, six wolves can't really go in and kill horses.

01:09:55.000 They'll shoot you, but if there's 400 of us, we're going to get some horses.

01:09:59.000 And they're not even going to shoot at you because they're going to be terrified.

01:10:02.000 Yeah.

01:10:02.000 Look at your mouth.

01:10:03.000 Imagine just being in the Russian tundra, wherever the fuck it would be, like frozen outside, and you look out and see 400 wolves just taking down horses.

01:10:14.000 Oh my god.

01:10:15.000 Instant boner.

01:10:17.000 Well, that was the thing about that Game of Thrones movie.

01:10:19.000 It really connected you with how these people had to live back then.

01:10:22.000 It was a real accurate depiction.

01:10:24.000 No, Joe, that show's not true.

01:10:26.000 It's not.

01:10:27.000 The White Walkers?

01:10:28.000 Hold on.

01:10:29.000 What about the White Walkers?

01:10:31.000 Dragons?

01:10:32.000 I was watching it with Mrs. Rogan and I was like, what happens if one of those stupid wooden wheels breaks?

01:10:37.000 Do they have an extra wooden wheel?

01:10:38.000 You move there.

01:10:39.000 You start a life there.

01:10:43.000 We're going to camp here.

01:10:44.000 I'm going to find deer.

01:10:47.000 That's it.

01:10:47.000 You just start eating each other.

01:10:48.000 I was looking at how slow it was moving, too.

01:10:50.000 And I'm like, that's real shit.

01:10:52.000 It moves like the way you jog.

01:10:54.000 Yeah.

01:10:54.000 That's how people got across the country.

01:10:56.000 Like speedwalk, I know.

01:10:56.000 Yeah.

01:10:57.000 Slow as fuck.

01:10:57.000 They were talking, we've been traveling for over a month.

01:11:00.000 I'm like, What?

01:11:01.000 They have to bring enough food and water for a month in this stupid big box that they're pulling on dumb wooden wheels.

01:11:07.000 And they're just hoping there's going to be a road there when they get there.

01:11:10.000 We're so spoiled.

01:11:11.000 I was mad that the valet wasn't ready with my car.

01:11:16.000 Back then, what did you have?

01:11:17.000 You had, like, a kingdom, and then you had some roads that would go off into, like, villages and shit, and everything would just be the same ground that was stepped on over and over again until it flattened out.

01:11:29.000 You know, it's like, from people walking, that's how roads are created.

01:11:32.000 Right.

01:11:32.000 There weren't, like, people doing community service upkeeping the trail.

01:11:35.000 Chris Brown wasn't out there picking up plastic cups.

01:11:38.000 With a hoe, like, ah!

01:11:40.000 This is how you use a hoe, just in case you guys, like, ever have to do some hoeing work.

01:11:43.000 Like this?

01:11:44.000 Yeah, just like this.

01:11:45.000 That's not how I do it.

01:11:47.000 What's really fucked up about that is that that's not that long ago.

01:11:50.000 I know.

01:11:51.000 Not that long ago, that's how people lived.

01:11:53.000 They just walked around and got on horses and couldn't go very far.

01:11:59.000 People are still doing it.

01:12:00.000 And then you'd have to worry about the people from, you know, over there getting all their shit together and coming over here and fucking everybody up.

01:12:06.000 You always had to worry about that.

01:12:07.000 People were always looking to take everybody's shit.

01:12:09.000 Yeah.

01:12:10.000 It was like, can you please just promise not to take our shit?

01:12:12.000 Like, we promise we will not fuck with you.

01:12:14.000 Yeah, when the king would get there and they'd all get off their horses.

01:12:18.000 You just had to hope that the king wasn't a fucking total psychopath.

01:12:22.000 Like, oh, this new king, he eats babies.

01:12:25.000 It's going to be a tough hundred years.

01:12:26.000 That's the problem.

01:12:27.000 And that was it.

01:12:28.000 The kings can do whatever the fuck they want.

01:12:30.000 Yeah.

01:12:30.000 That's what was really crazy.

01:12:32.000 Oh, God.

01:12:33.000 Back in the day, that's how people lived.

01:12:36.000 And, like, groups of people are supposed to die out.

01:12:38.000 Like, species.

01:12:40.000 Like, there's all, you know, the crazy, like, deep into Africa who still, they just, like, do not give a fuck what we're doing.

01:12:46.000 And they make, like, clay bowls and no one buys them anymore.

01:12:49.000 But, like, we, like, outsource to help them.

01:12:52.000 But now we've gotten so smart with medicine and the internet that we're just staying alive forever.

01:12:57.000 And we're like, fuck God.

01:12:59.000 Whoa, that was deep.

01:13:01.000 Who has a BA in theater?

01:13:04.000 You just broke down the universe.

01:13:07.000 That should have been the opening to the new Soul Train.

01:13:10.000 That's it.

01:13:10.000 Do you think if you were king, you would just go around the village and pick a different girl almost every day?

01:13:15.000 And some dudes.

01:13:16.000 Or would you just find one girl that you really like?

01:13:18.000 Because I'm a martial artist and I have discipline.

01:13:20.000 And I would know that if I did that, I would go mad.

01:13:22.000 No, just Yeah, Brian.

01:13:25.000 Yeah, Brian.

01:13:26.000 If I could just go barbarian style, I don't like that part of my brain.

01:13:30.000 I like to keep that part of my brain under wraps.

01:13:32.000 No, just to experience different flavors.

01:13:33.000 There's just like a total Neanderthal lurking that you have to keep into.

01:13:36.000 I got a wild chimpanzee deep in the back of my brain.

01:13:39.000 Oh, God.

01:13:40.000 And if I'm in a hotel and it's on fire, that's when it comes out.

01:13:42.000 Yeah.

01:13:43.000 Oh shit.

01:13:44.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:13:45.000 There's a bunch of people in front of a door.

01:13:47.000 We were at a hotel fire in San Francisco.

01:13:50.000 It was 4.30 in the morning and all these people were moving slow down this flight of stairs.

01:13:54.000 And I was seriously contemplating running over some fucking people.

01:13:59.000 You just started stabbing them.

01:14:00.000 Because I was like, you guys are not, first of all, a lot of people were on Ambien.

01:14:03.000 I actually talk about this in my act, because it's true.

01:14:05.000 Where people, a woman was having to explain to her husband, as he was walking down the stairs, what the fuck was going on.

01:14:11.000 It was crazy, and I was like, you fuck.

01:14:14.000 That happened to me once on Ambien.

01:14:15.000 That happened to me.

01:14:17.000 You got woken up?

01:14:18.000 I got woken up fire in the middle of the night at the hotel.

01:14:20.000 I was on Ambien, and I walked to McDonald's.

01:14:26.000 With Abraham Lincoln.

01:14:27.000 Wait a minute, where was this?

01:14:28.000 Where was this?

01:14:29.000 Ugh, it was warm out.

01:14:30.000 Maybe Florida.

01:14:32.000 Wow, you got woken up from a fire in your hotel too.

01:14:34.000 How many times has that happened to you?

01:14:35.000 I wish I could wake up.

01:14:36.000 Once.

01:14:36.000 Only once with me as well.

01:14:38.000 It was like, yeah.

01:14:39.000 It was really scary.

01:14:39.000 Everybody was outside.

01:14:41.000 Yeah, same thing as us.

01:14:42.000 They were talking, but I was like on drugs.

01:14:44.000 Brian was there.

01:14:45.000 Was it Joe Diaz?

01:14:46.000 Ari?

01:14:47.000 Was Ari too?

01:14:47.000 No, I think it was Ari.

01:14:49.000 I feel Ari was there too.

01:14:50.000 I know Joe Diaz was.

01:14:51.000 Maybe it was Duncan.

01:14:52.000 No, it wasn't Duncan.

01:14:53.000 It wasn't Duncan.

01:14:53.000 Either way, it was definitely Joey and Brian and I. Yeah, I think Ari.

01:14:56.000 I think it was Ari.

01:14:57.000 And we were all outside and we're like, this is crazy, man.

01:14:59.000 What did the ambient people look like?

01:15:01.000 They were waking up on the stairs.

01:15:03.000 Like, people were walking down the stairs.

01:15:04.000 Coming out of a blackout.

01:15:05.000 This really didn't happen.

01:15:06.000 Like, guys walking down the stairs, like, what is happening?

01:15:08.000 And the woman's like, the hotel's on fire.

01:15:12.000 I woke you up.

01:15:13.000 Where are we?

01:15:14.000 He was like, grab the rails.

01:15:15.000 What's going on?

01:15:16.000 And they had this look in his face.

01:15:18.000 Like, he really didn't know how he got to that spot.

01:15:21.000 Beyond that spot.

01:15:22.000 Shit.

01:15:23.000 Yeah, people have like crazy stories about being in the car on the highway and waking up and realize like, holy shit.

01:15:29.000 Oh my god.

01:15:29.000 What the fuck?

01:15:30.000 Like they don't even know how they got there.

01:15:32.000 They're just driving.

01:15:33.000 That's scary.

01:15:33.000 And it's totally legal.

01:15:36.000 Doctors give it out like nothing.

01:15:39.000 And I know a bunch of people addicted to it.

01:15:42.000 Yeah.

01:15:42.000 I know several people addicted to it.

01:15:43.000 It's not good.

01:15:44.000 I was addicted to it.

01:15:45.000 Yeah, I know a guy who takes two.

01:15:47.000 Two full ambience.

01:15:49.000 Yes, he also takes Xanax.

01:15:51.000 Like, that's not good for you.

01:15:53.000 No, it's not.

01:15:53.000 It's not real sleep.

01:15:54.000 It's not actual sleep.

01:15:56.000 And he's a very functional guy.

01:15:57.000 You're in like a coma.

01:15:58.000 He's a civilian.

01:15:59.000 He's a hardworking businessman.

01:16:01.000 Yeah.

01:16:02.000 But he fucking has a stressful job.

01:16:07.000 And he can't go to sleep.

01:16:07.000 He just can't go to sleep.

01:16:09.000 He runs a business.

01:16:10.000 It's a very, very complicated business.

01:16:12.000 And he does long hours and takes work home with him.

01:16:15.000 And he can't sleep, so he pops ambience.

01:16:17.000 Two is a lot.

01:16:18.000 Yeah, well, I think some people are just wrecked.

01:16:21.000 And they have so much shit going on.

01:16:23.000 They just need to shut it down.

01:16:25.000 Well, a lot of people had to really readjust in this fucked up economy, too.

01:16:29.000 Yeah.

01:16:29.000 I mean if you go and look at like real estate websites and like I like to look at houses just fascinated by like you know what's going on inside like construction of houses where well wow that would be cool to live there what is it like to live in you know over by the ocean what do those houses look like inside it's amazing how many houses on these real estate sites are all foreclosures foreclosure foreclosure short sale what does that mean if it's foreclosed it means that people lost their money they couldn't pay for the house anymore People are losing their houses.

01:16:56.000 They lose their house, they have to move out, and the bank owns it, and they get nothing?

01:17:00.000 No, they don't get shit.

01:17:01.000 You get out on your ass.

01:17:03.000 You could have been paying for that house for 20 years.

01:17:05.000 It doesn't matter.

01:17:06.000 It's not yours anymore.

01:17:06.000 You missed a year's worth of payments, and now they're going to take it from you.

01:17:10.000 You reneged on your loan.

01:17:11.000 I've always rented, and I don't have a car.

01:17:15.000 The economy, I know people are fucked, but I've never had any money, so it's never...

01:17:20.000 Never really hit you.

01:17:22.000 But it seems like really shitty.

01:17:25.000 They said 40%.

01:17:26.000 And you're just like, what do you do?

01:17:28.000 They said 40% of young adults between 18 and 34 live at home.

01:17:34.000 Man, that's crazy.

01:17:35.000 I would almost want to go back.

01:17:37.000 Home?

01:17:39.000 If my mom lived here, I could almost live with my mom because I'm never really home.

01:17:44.000 Are you serious?

01:17:44.000 No, I'm never home, but if she...

01:17:47.000 Because I use it just for sleeping.

01:17:49.000 Doesn't she drive you crazy?

01:17:50.000 I'll tell you what, there's nothing wrong with living with your mom if your mom respects you as an adult and you love her and she's not a needy person and you can be around her and you don't have to babysit her anymore.

01:18:01.000 Is there a mom like that?

01:18:02.000 Yeah, my mom's a very easy-going person.

01:18:04.000 If my mother wanted to move in, it would be no problem.

01:18:07.000 Really?

01:18:07.000 I mean, I think we all have to kind of take care of our moms at some point, don't we?

01:18:11.000 Well, if I had to take care of my mom, my mom could live with me easy.

01:18:15.000 Yeah, so I think we're all going to have to She's not like, tell you what to do, watch over your business, mom.

01:18:20.000 Some people have moms that are really invasive, start problems in their life.

01:18:25.000 I have friends who literally can't talk to their moms because their moms will start drama in their lives and start picking on their girlfriend or picking on their wives.

01:18:32.000 And they don't know how to break that habit.

01:18:33.000 They've been doing it their whole lives, but then you get old enough and you realize that that behavior is insane.

01:18:38.000 You form patterns in your head based on certain Ways of behaving that you've always followed in these grooves in the past.

01:18:47.000 And they can be totally shitty grooves.

01:18:48.000 I personally, when I was younger, had a bunch of shitty grooves that I had to get my own mind out of.

01:18:55.000 I had a bunch of jealousy grooves, hater grooves, feeling sorry for myself grooves, self-defeating thoughts grooves.

01:19:05.000 But that's totally normal.

01:19:07.000 And as long as you're interested in making yourself better, then...

01:19:10.000 Right.

01:19:11.000 But you've got to recognize them and dump them.

01:19:13.000 That's what it is.

01:19:14.000 And some people don't.

01:19:15.000 And so they find themselves an old lady picking on their kids.

01:19:19.000 I've seen it.

01:19:19.000 It's gross.

01:19:20.000 It's fucking gross.

01:19:21.000 It's so awful.

01:19:23.000 And just trying to make them need you.

01:19:25.000 Like those mothers when their kids are sick.

01:19:28.000 My mom is pretty cool.

01:19:30.000 But definitely there are some bad patterns.

01:19:32.000 But...

01:19:33.000 I can't even, like, really stay overnight in the same place as her.

01:19:37.000 Wow, okay.

01:19:38.000 Yeah, it just gets too intense.

01:19:42.000 Yeah, just with, like, some neediness.

01:19:45.000 Oh, really?

01:19:45.000 Yeah, like, I need a ton of alone time, like, because I'm so used to being by myself.

01:19:51.000 So it'll be like, Mom, I need to just do this.

01:19:54.000 I need to write this thing.

01:19:55.000 And she'll be like, okay, okay, that's fine.

01:19:56.000 And then she'll come over and she'll put a chair in front of me and read a book in my direction.

01:20:00.000 And I'm like, that's crazy.

01:20:03.000 Do you know that that's insane what you're doing?

01:20:05.000 Yeah.

01:20:06.000 Yeah.

01:20:07.000 Yeah, some people don't get that.

01:20:09.000 No.

01:20:10.000 Everybody's got their own needs when it comes to time and space alone.

01:20:14.000 Yeah.

01:20:14.000 I don't know how I would ever, I don't know how I'm gonna like ever live with somebody again.

01:20:18.000 You can live with someone, you just have to make sure that you have, you respect each other's space.

01:20:22.000 Yeah.

01:20:22.000 You have to live in a place where you can, you know, have a little room away from them.

01:20:25.000 Are you bitchy?

01:20:26.000 Like you just shut a door somewhere.

01:20:27.000 I'm a girl.

01:20:28.000 Yes.

01:20:28.000 I mean like are you intense?

01:20:29.000 Are you like throwing items around the house or anything like that?

01:20:33.000 No, I want to be as drama-free as possible.

01:20:37.000 I'm not needy.

01:20:39.000 How many domestic violence holes have you made in a wall?

01:20:42.000 Domestic violence holes.

01:20:44.000 Is that your way of saying glory holes, Brian?

01:20:46.000 No, like the walls in a hole like a plaster.

01:20:49.000 Zero.

01:20:49.000 How many have I caused?

01:20:51.000 Yes.

01:20:51.000 Probably a lot.

01:20:52.000 So you've seen them before a lot.

01:20:53.000 Probably a dozen.

01:20:53.000 So there's definitely some...

01:20:55.000 I've had a number of walls next to my head punched.

01:20:58.000 Yeah.

01:20:58.000 Wow.

01:20:58.000 Really?

01:20:59.000 By dudes?

01:21:00.000 And you deserved it, right?

01:21:01.000 Yeah, but I was like 20. You deserved it.

01:21:03.000 Hold on.

01:21:03.000 By dudes?

01:21:04.000 Chill out.

01:21:04.000 Stop yelling you deserved it, you fucking psycho.

01:21:07.000 Because you're going through a breakup right now.

01:21:09.000 Oh, no, no.

01:21:09.000 I'm just kidding.

01:21:09.000 Don't take it out on me.

01:21:11.000 By dudes?

01:21:12.000 By dudes, yeah.

01:21:13.000 I dated a guy when I was in my early 20s, like when I was 19 to 21, that he didn't hit me, but I got hurt by accident all the time.

01:21:25.000 What?

01:21:25.000 Yeah.

01:21:26.000 We had one night where he...

01:21:28.000 We were like 21, like drinking a lot, like drinking martinis before we would go out.

01:21:34.000 And it was like we were in love with each other and so scared of losing each other.

01:21:38.000 And it was fucking wild and horrible.

01:21:40.000 And one night he...

01:21:42.000 We were out at a bar and I was like trying to make him jealous.

01:21:45.000 I was like dancing with another guy.

01:21:48.000 I'm 19. I'm wearing like a tube top.

01:21:50.000 I'm like life is amazing.

01:21:52.000 And he comes over and yells at me and I spit on him.

01:21:55.000 Yeah.

01:21:56.000 Whoa.

01:21:57.000 Yeah.

01:21:57.000 And I so I spit on him and he like grabs me and like throws me out of the bar and chases me all over wound up like throwing me on the roof of a car.

01:22:04.000 I ran into an apartment like just ran in like for help because he was like chasing me right and these guys it was like they were obviously doing a bunch of illegal stuff like these I think it was like some sort of a gang and they were like okay just they hid me in like their bathroom and then he came there was making a scene so the guys threw me out because they didn't want the cops to come and he wound up getting a fistfight with them end of the night we're back at our apartment we live together in Santa Barbara he Um,

01:22:34.000 starts breaking glasses over his own head and then I finally find a way to run out of the apartment and he was chasing me with a knife, like American psycho chasing me around our apartment complex and I bang bang bang down a door.

01:22:47.000 Finally someone opened and I go in this apartment and it was a guy, um, Who's chopping up a woman.

01:22:54.000 I'm not kidding.

01:22:56.000 I'd seen this guy around our apartment.

01:22:58.000 I walk in.

01:22:59.000 He closes the door.

01:23:00.000 I notice it smells like shit, like feces.

01:23:02.000 And I look over.

01:23:03.000 His wife is in a hospital bed.

01:23:05.000 She has no arms and legs, and her mouth is cocked open.

01:23:08.000 Oh, no.

01:23:09.000 This is all totally true.

01:23:11.000 I've never told this.

01:23:12.000 I haven't thought about this in years.

01:23:14.000 Then I was more scared in that house, but they called the cops for me.

01:23:21.000 I got out and moved back to New York.

01:23:24.000 Did you ever talk to that guy again?

01:23:26.000 Yeah, we're back together.

01:23:27.000 No, I'm just kidding.

01:23:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:23:29.000 We were kids.

01:23:30.000 We were horrible kids.

01:23:32.000 Yeah, but he had a knife.

01:23:33.000 He had a knife and he was chasing me.

01:23:34.000 What was that about?

01:23:35.000 I don't know.

01:23:36.000 Did you talk to him afterwards?

01:23:37.000 He was drunk and he was really afraid of losing me.

01:23:39.000 So he's going to cut you open.

01:23:41.000 I don't know what his plans were.

01:23:45.000 He's going to give you a second gash.

01:23:47.000 He wanted a new hole.

01:23:49.000 After him, dating was weird because I was confused by if a guy really liked me or not.

01:23:57.000 I dated this really nice guy after him and I was just like...

01:24:00.000 I was like, are you into this?

01:24:01.000 And he's like, yeah, why?

01:24:03.000 I was like, because you've never spit on me or threatened my co-workers.

01:24:06.000 Is there any passion here?

01:24:08.000 He's like, what do you want from me?

01:24:11.000 Is that real?

01:24:13.000 That's all real, yeah.

01:24:14.000 No, that's not what I mean.

01:24:15.000 Is there a real feeling like that?

01:24:17.000 Like when a guy doesn't do anything crazy or violent that he's not really into you?

01:24:20.000 No, that was just me at 22 being really fucked up by this relationship.

01:24:25.000 So that's why when someone's like...

01:24:26.000 So you really did feel that?

01:24:27.000 Yeah.

01:24:28.000 Not just joking around for the laugh, but you really felt like someone didn't like you because they weren't spitting on you or weren't being violent towards your coworkers?

01:24:37.000 That whole next year, I didn't think that the guy I was dating really cared about me because of that.

01:24:42.000 And the guy I was dating, I mean, he really did a number on me.

01:24:46.000 He would rip the shower curtain down when I was in there.

01:24:49.000 Whoa.

01:24:50.000 Did he do a number two?

01:24:51.000 No.

01:24:53.000 Rip the shower curtain down.

01:24:54.000 I'd be in the shower, and he would come in and rip it down and point at me and laugh.

01:25:00.000 Just crazy, horrible shit.

01:25:02.000 You were living with a crazy person.

01:25:04.000 I know.

01:25:05.000 It was really bad, but I was in love with him.

01:25:09.000 Did he have a big dick?

01:25:11.000 Yeah, he had a cock on him.

01:25:12.000 Is that what it was?

01:25:13.000 Yeah, probably.

01:25:14.000 He just rocked you.

01:25:15.000 I was 20, and he just knew how to make it happen.

01:25:18.000 I don't know what it was.

01:25:19.000 Did it make you fart?

01:25:20.000 It was 10 years ago.

01:25:21.000 No.

01:25:21.000 No, there was no shitting and farting, Brian.

01:25:24.000 I mean, but I understand when people, like, I really don't judge anybody who gets in some awful relationship, because I've always been, like, a strong, like, I don't keep my mouth shut chick, so I think, like, it could happen to anybody.

01:25:37.000 Like, you can fall in love with somebody who hurts you.

01:25:40.000 Well, especially when you're 20 years old.

01:25:42.000 You're a child.

01:25:43.000 Yeah.

01:25:43.000 You don't know anything, right.

01:25:45.000 But I've never been in a relationship with any sort of even meanness.

01:25:49.000 Since then, I don't think I've even said anything to anyone in a relationship that I regret.

01:25:54.000 That's awesome.

01:25:55.000 Well, you learned.

01:25:56.000 Yeah, I learned.

01:25:58.000 I've seen Chase with a knife.

01:25:59.000 An apartment complex.

01:26:00.000 Yeah.

01:26:01.000 It was really bad.

01:26:02.000 And he was really sick.

01:26:03.000 I would feel like he would grab me and I'd have a huge bruise.

01:26:06.000 And the next day I'd be like, oh, he's going to feel so bad about this.

01:26:09.000 I would feel bad for him.

01:26:10.000 Right.

01:26:11.000 You know, never again.

01:26:12.000 That guy's my holocaust.

01:26:13.000 He didn't feel bad when he grabbed you?

01:26:15.000 When you left bruises?

01:26:17.000 He would convince me that it was my fault.

01:26:20.000 It was really like...

01:26:21.000 Wow.

01:26:21.000 Yeah, I was a kid.

01:26:22.000 How old was he?

01:26:23.000 My age.

01:26:24.000 Wow.

01:26:25.000 Yeah.

01:26:25.000 He had a good pimp game.

01:26:26.000 Are you one of those girls that bruise easy?

01:26:28.000 Have you ever met one of those girls where you could just pretty much touch her and then the next day you could just go like this?

01:26:34.000 Is that what you tell yourself, Brian?

01:26:35.000 You sound like maybe you're a contender.

01:26:39.000 No, no, no.

01:26:40.000 I've actually dated somebody that seriously, she could just put her hand down too hard on a desk and she would get a bruise right here.

01:26:46.000 That's not healthy.

01:26:47.000 I get massages a lot and I don't...

01:26:48.000 That's super unhealthy.

01:26:49.000 What do you think that is?

01:26:49.000 That means she has some sort of iron deficiency.

01:26:52.000 Yeah, she should drink more water.

01:26:53.000 And you should stop shaking her.

01:26:55.000 And no more meth.

01:26:58.000 No more meth.

01:26:59.000 No more meth.

01:27:00.000 Didn't you have a relationship with somebody where you guys brought out the fucking worst in each other?

01:27:05.000 Oh, yeah.

01:27:05.000 Just toxic.

01:27:06.000 Oh, sure.

01:27:07.000 Absolutely.

01:27:08.000 Yeah, I've had those.

01:27:09.000 Yeah, especially when you're young and you don't realize what fighting in a relationship is.

01:27:12.000 Yeah, you don't know what it is supposed to be yet.

01:27:14.000 Yeah, and you say shitty things to each other and you don't realize, like, God, what the fuck am I doing?

01:27:18.000 Yeah, you can't take that shit back.

01:27:19.000 It took me once to learn all of that stuff.

01:27:22.000 I got every lesson in one, dude.

01:27:24.000 Right.

01:27:24.000 Yeah, I got lucky that I never had anybody that crazy.

01:27:27.000 But it's fascinating to watch people, you know, when you get close to somebody, you don't know them very well, and then all of a sudden, within, like, a month or two months, you're hanging out with them every day, and you're, like, deep in their life.

01:27:38.000 You remember when you were young and you first start meeting people?

01:27:40.000 I mean, that's essentially what happens, right?

01:27:42.000 You, like, throw yourself at each other.

01:27:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:27:44.000 You're, like, so codependent.

01:27:46.000 You don't even know.

01:27:46.000 You don't know how to regulate it, right?

01:27:48.000 You're just like, us!

01:27:49.000 And then you get into their life and you go, whoa, I'm dealing with a fucking hornet's nest here.

01:27:54.000 Yeah.

01:27:55.000 What is all this craziness you got going on here?

01:27:57.000 Yeah, no more.

01:27:59.000 Now, I met a dude recently and I was trying to get him.

01:28:03.000 Cue the music, Brian.

01:28:04.000 Oh, God.

01:28:04.000 Get some sexy music.

01:28:05.000 Get some sexy piano playing.

01:28:06.000 I hate when you do this.

01:28:07.000 You met a dude?

01:28:08.000 I met a guy.

01:28:09.000 What does the guy do?

01:28:10.000 Is he a non-comedian?

01:28:12.000 He's a non-comedian.

01:28:13.000 Does he fancy himself to be funny?

01:28:15.000 Everybody does.

01:28:16.000 Ooh, that's not good.

01:28:17.000 Is he successful?

01:28:18.000 No.

01:28:19.000 Ooh.

01:28:20.000 No, but he...

01:28:20.000 Strike two.

01:28:21.000 But right away I just realized...

01:28:25.000 Okay, Brian, you're fired.

01:28:27.000 Brian, you are really not bringing it today.

01:28:29.000 You're in a bad place.

01:28:30.000 I'm not going to hold it against you.

01:28:31.000 I support you.

01:28:32.000 That was awful.

01:28:32.000 This is not a person, this is not a fucking sound manager in a country that would have fucked it up that bad.

01:28:36.000 I feel like you just got this equipment today and he's just pressing that.

01:28:39.000 He did!

01:28:39.000 He thinks it's cute.

01:28:40.000 What does this do?

01:28:42.000 He's just pushing that retard angle hard and strong.

01:28:46.000 So the guy is non-successful, non-comedian.

01:28:50.000 Yeah.

01:28:50.000 Does he have a dream?

01:28:51.000 Does he have a dream?

01:28:53.000 Probably not.

01:28:54.000 Whoa.

01:28:55.000 Yeah, like everybody wants to be doing better than they're doing.

01:28:57.000 But it's just like a general, I want to be doing better.

01:28:59.000 Do you think he can be your creepy manager that steals money from you?

01:29:03.000 No, I don't think he's got the intellect.

01:29:05.000 No.

01:29:06.000 That's what I'm searching for.

01:29:07.000 You're searching for a creepy guy that steals money from you?

01:29:09.000 I want that guy that's going to just take me for everything.

01:29:11.000 A guy who's just going to come along and be your manager.

01:29:13.000 About everything, I mean my buddy.

01:29:14.000 Make deals behind your back.

01:29:15.000 Is that what happens?

01:29:16.000 Girls date guys, they become their managers?

01:29:18.000 Sure.

01:29:19.000 Why not?

01:29:19.000 Sure.

01:29:20.000 No, I just...

01:29:21.000 What I'm saying is, at 30, like, meeting a guy now, you just, like, see...

01:29:26.000 You're like, oh, no, no, no.

01:29:28.000 Right.

01:29:28.000 And I'm not even gonna fuck you.

01:29:30.000 Right.

01:29:31.000 Like, I'm not...

01:29:32.000 Let's just stop this right here.

01:29:34.000 Right.

01:29:34.000 Strike one.

01:29:35.000 Right.

01:29:35.000 Yeah.

01:29:36.000 Right.

01:29:36.000 I was in a party the other night and there was a dude who just had these uber douche vibes for no reason.

01:29:44.000 You just look at a guy and you go, wait, what?

01:29:46.000 He's like, why are you the worst?

01:29:48.000 What's going on here?

01:29:49.000 There was a bunch of people I didn't know, but he had a thumb ring.

01:29:54.000 That's it.

01:29:54.000 That's all it would take for me.

01:29:55.000 Well, I have a wallet chain.

01:29:56.000 I'm really glass houses.

01:29:58.000 I'm throwing rocks.

01:29:58.000 I don't think a wall chain is that bad.

01:30:00.000 It's no thumb ring.

01:30:01.000 He had a thumb ring and he was wearing leather flip flops and a ponytail.

01:30:05.000 And when he talked, he would like over exaggerate like the name of a country.

01:30:12.000 It's in Mozambique.

01:30:14.000 It's like this really like overly enthusiastic.

01:30:17.000 Then I found out that he was living off the alimony from a rich woman that he had married.

01:30:23.000 Yeah, you're like, it all adds up.

01:30:24.000 It all adds up.

01:30:25.000 Oh, this is hilarious.

01:30:27.000 It's amazing when you see a guy who's like a male hustler type character.

01:30:31.000 And I saw him.

01:30:32.000 I observed him.

01:30:33.000 I watched him.

01:30:33.000 I followed him around because I was fascinated by him because he was fabulous.

01:30:36.000 And he went over to these mothers and all these mothers were hanging around.

01:30:40.000 And he's a fairly decent looking guy.

01:30:42.000 And he just goes over and tries to...

01:30:45.000 Talk really seriously.

01:30:46.000 This is a beautiful ensemble.

01:30:49.000 What an amazing bouquet of flowers.

01:30:52.000 Right.

01:30:53.000 So sensitively put there.

01:30:54.000 Just so beautiful.

01:30:56.000 That'll work on some chicks.

01:30:57.000 Oh, fuck yeah.

01:30:58.000 Well, a guy that is collecting alimony from a woman is not a man.

01:31:03.000 What is worse?

01:31:04.000 That is not a man.

01:31:06.000 Yeah, and women Women shouldn't be doing it either.

01:31:07.000 It just seems awful.

01:31:09.000 Well, you know what?

01:31:09.000 I disagree if the man is taking care of a woman and she has kids.

01:31:13.000 Yeah, if she has kids.

01:31:13.000 Or if you told her she doesn't have to work, I'm rich, come with me, and then she's like, give her some money to get her shit back together again.

01:31:19.000 I think everybody deserves, you know, I don't think anybody deserves to be fucked up and on skid row or what have you if there's a way to avoid it where the other person could just be a decent and moral person.

01:31:30.000 Right, right.

01:31:30.000 The problem is, breakups are so bad for the most part, a lot of times people don't want to help the other person.

01:31:36.000 They want them to be a fucking homeless person.

01:31:38.000 Yeah, so you need the courts to kind of step in.

01:31:40.000 But that dude...

01:31:41.000 But a man!

01:31:42.000 But a man, bro!

01:31:43.000 But that dude at the party, I've had guys that do well.

01:31:49.000 Some guys that are a little bit famous...

01:31:51.000 And you see how their shit would work on somebody else.

01:31:55.000 Girls, when you ask them questions and you see something about them, they're like...

01:32:00.000 Fake sincerity.

01:32:01.000 Because we can just project everything we've ever wanted onto the dude.

01:32:05.000 But that whole game...

01:32:10.000 I wish that worked on me.

01:32:12.000 You see it coming a mile away.

01:32:13.000 No, you don't.

01:32:14.000 Imagine how baffled you'd be every day.

01:32:16.000 Especially out here.

01:32:17.000 But the male hustler approach.

01:32:20.000 Gross.

01:32:20.000 He was talking about cleanses.

01:32:22.000 He just returned from a detox cleanse.

01:32:24.000 I was like, this guy is in a goddamn movie.

01:32:27.000 This is like a Judd Apatow movie.

01:32:29.000 And this guy is like the new age, you know.

01:32:32.000 He's like Russell Brand in some movies.

01:32:34.000 No, not even Russell Brand.

01:32:35.000 Because Russell Brand is always funny.

01:32:36.000 No, but I mean like, well he plays like a douchebag.

01:32:39.000 Yeah, but he plays a wild douchebag.

01:32:40.000 This guy isn't even wild.

01:32:42.000 He's just a mild hustler.

01:32:43.000 Does that guy like himself?

01:32:45.000 Or does he, when he's alone in the bathroom, does he look in the mirror and have to keep himself from sobbing?

01:32:50.000 I hope so.

01:32:51.000 You can only hope that guy hates himself.

01:32:53.000 If anyone ever assaulted him on the street, he would just quit.

01:32:56.000 He would curl up in a ball and he would quit.

01:32:57.000 If you just said one thing to him.

01:33:00.000 If someone attacked him physically, he would fall apart.

01:33:02.000 That's why I like when those guys are in my audience.

01:33:04.000 So this guy became my science project for the party, which I did.

01:33:07.000 You just followed him around.

01:33:08.000 I started Twittering about it.

01:33:11.000 I tweeted about it while I was following this guy.

01:33:13.000 Yeah.

01:33:13.000 And then I watched him talk to a young boy, and that's where shit got really interesting.

01:33:18.000 Whoa.

01:33:19.000 No, not like that.

01:33:20.000 Oh.

01:33:22.000 The kid was, I should say a teenager.

01:33:25.000 The kid was about, probably like 18. I watched for 20 minutes in a bush.

01:33:29.000 And they were talking about things and, you know, the guy was doing his sort of smoldering thing with them and, you know, being wise.

01:33:37.000 And the kid asked him, what do you do?

01:33:41.000 And he didn't answer.

01:33:42.000 Right.

01:33:43.000 He didn't answer.

01:33:44.000 Because he doesn't do anything.

01:33:44.000 He had like a little pause and it was really crazy.

01:33:50.000 And then the kid asked him again.

01:33:52.000 Like he tried to like change the subject or he tried to like add something to the past statement that he, you know, the previous sentence that he went to finish it as if the guy didn't ask him what he'd do.

01:34:02.000 And then the kid asked again, what do you do?

01:34:05.000 And then he had this sort of a stutter and we're working and developing a property right now.

01:34:13.000 You know, I don't know what it is.

01:34:14.000 What the truth is, he's like, I am journaling and going to Whole Foods twice a day.

01:34:18.000 Well, it was a fascinating dude because he was doing it again.

01:34:20.000 He had gotten one rich woman to marry him and then he was there at the party with an older rich woman.

01:34:27.000 It's fascinating.

01:34:28.000 It's upsetting.

01:34:29.000 But how can that woman...

01:34:30.000 Fascinating.

01:34:31.000 People are so sad.

01:34:32.000 Well, it's, you know, people need things, and some women don't need a guy who's some wild motherfucker who's gonna run away.

01:34:39.000 You need some bitch ass that needs you to pay the bills and pretends he loves you.

01:34:43.000 Well, there was this whole article in the Atlantic magazine about how we used to think of it being part of the black culture, that it would be like the dudes were either playboys, if they're successful, they can have lots of chicks, or a deadbeat.

01:34:57.000 As a woman who's successful, you'd have to take on a deadbeat.

01:35:02.000 Strippers.

01:35:03.000 But it's not anymore.

01:35:04.000 That's totally everybody.

01:35:05.000 It's not just for one community.

01:35:07.000 That's how it is now.

01:35:08.000 Yeah.

01:35:09.000 With dudes, because women are succeeding more and more.

01:35:12.000 And guys, there's that plateau.

01:35:15.000 Well, there's certainly positions where the roles have reversed, where the woman's taking care of the man.

01:35:20.000 Yeah.

01:35:20.000 Especially older women and younger, better-looking men.

01:35:22.000 Right.

01:35:23.000 That shit's, like, super common.

01:35:24.000 Yeah.

01:35:24.000 As long as a woman...

01:35:25.000 It's, like, just like men and young girls that are, like, a little bit lost.

01:35:30.000 They take care of them.

01:35:31.000 You know, they're older men with a lot of money.

01:35:34.000 That shit's going on.

01:35:35.000 Especially in this economy, there's guys that are putting their ass up in the air.

01:35:39.000 Oh my god.

01:35:40.000 Can you hook me up?

01:35:41.000 I can get you hooked up.

01:35:42.000 Have you ever been to that website?

01:35:44.000 Howard Stern always talks about cougar life.

01:35:46.000 Have you ever been to that website?

01:35:47.000 What is that?

01:35:47.000 It's a website with cougars that just want to get down and fuck.

01:35:51.000 And so you get all these girls that have been taken care of that just got out of a divorce and now they're super rich.

01:35:55.000 It's kind of interesting.

01:35:57.000 I find it hard to believe that those hot ones need a fucking website.

01:36:01.000 I think those girls are getting dick hurled at them everywhere they go.

01:36:04.000 I know.

01:36:05.000 I find it hard to believe that if they don't have friends, someone's trying to fuck a relationship.

01:36:10.000 Well, what's the idea with the site?

01:36:11.000 Is it like, let's go to dinner, or is it like, just come over and fuck me?

01:36:15.000 Let's go out and eat and have some drinks.

01:36:16.000 Oh, it is?

01:36:16.000 Go out and eat and have some drinks?

01:36:18.000 Well, then it doesn't make any sense to me.

01:36:19.000 They know they only have about 30 or 40 days of moisture left in their room.

01:36:22.000 And they want to use every day.

01:36:24.000 Until it just packs in for the rest of the life.

01:36:27.000 Goes into a permanent state of hibernation.

01:36:29.000 And then they've got to sneak lube in there.

01:36:30.000 Which is always embarrassing.

01:36:32.000 God damn it.

01:36:33.000 Can you imagine?

01:36:33.000 I was just about to bone.

01:36:34.000 The girl sneaks lube?

01:36:36.000 She's going to sneak some lube in there.

01:36:37.000 I'll be right back.

01:36:38.000 I'm going to go to the bathroom.

01:36:39.000 She goes to the bathroom and sneaks some lube in there.

01:36:41.000 Oh my gosh.

01:36:41.000 Because the box is done.

01:36:42.000 The box is done.

01:36:43.000 The box is done.

01:36:44.000 All it can do.

01:36:44.000 So it's a sandbag.

01:36:45.000 You're fucking a sandbag right now.

01:36:46.000 You're fucking the Mojave.

01:36:48.000 You're fucking two slabs of beef jerky.

01:36:50.000 That is so hot.

01:36:51.000 Make a tube out of beef jerky and fuck that.

01:36:53.000 You guys are talking about my future right now.

01:36:55.000 What's up?

01:36:56.000 All calloused.

01:36:57.000 You're enhancing a callous.

01:36:58.000 In the inside of your vagina, if you were like a hooker and just insisted on fucking all day, every day, you really had a lot of money that you owed.

01:37:05.000 Yeah, it must.

01:37:05.000 I'll take them all.

01:37:06.000 Come on.

01:37:06.000 Next.

01:37:07.000 Next.

01:37:08.000 Is it possible to get a callous in your pussy?

01:37:10.000 Fuck yeah.

01:37:10.000 It's like skidding your knee.

01:37:12.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:37:12.000 I bet it would have to...

01:37:13.000 If you let it heal a little bit, it would probably callous.

01:37:16.000 Wow.

01:37:16.000 But who has time?

01:37:17.000 That's rough.

01:37:18.000 Who has the time?

01:37:19.000 What do you think is the number?

01:37:21.000 The woman who's fucked the most dudes ever.

01:37:23.000 What do you think the number is?

01:37:23.000 Like at once?

01:37:24.000 Yeah.

01:37:25.000 No, in her life.

01:37:26.000 Oh, God.

01:37:27.000 Most different dudes.

01:37:28.000 It's gotta be a lot.

01:37:29.000 We had a male porn star on a podcast recently and I was like, how many people did you fuck last year?

01:37:35.000 And he was just like, I don't know, a lot.

01:37:37.000 I'm like, would you say over 200?

01:37:39.000 He's like, probably over 300. And I'm like, what?

01:37:42.000 Well, you think about it, if he's a porn star, he's probably working how many days a week?

01:37:47.000 Probably like four or five.

01:37:48.000 They weren't that much?

01:37:49.000 And how many different girls do you think he fucks in a day?

01:37:51.000 I don't know.

01:37:51.000 Usually like a lot of these movies, you're doing like the whole movie in like one sitting, like four different scenes, four different girls.

01:37:58.000 In one day?

01:37:58.000 Yeah.

01:37:59.000 So you have to come three times in one day?

01:38:01.000 Oh, he probably...

01:38:02.000 I don't think they come a lot.

01:38:04.000 That's why in the end, the most disappointing thing when you're watching a porn and the guy's like, oh, oh, oh.

01:38:12.000 That's not disappointing for me.

01:38:14.000 And he's trying to shake it.

01:38:14.000 And the girl's like getting her spit bubbles on it to make it seem like as if it's bigger.

01:38:19.000 She's pretending to gag.

01:38:19.000 I see what's going on there.

01:38:20.000 Yeah.

01:38:21.000 That's nothing.

01:38:22.000 She's sneaking lube in her mouth.

01:38:23.000 You have a very small and unimpressive load, sir.

01:38:27.000 Yeah, I don't know about other girls, but for me, the size of the load does not matter.

01:38:32.000 Doesn't it?

01:38:33.000 No.

01:38:34.000 Wouldn't you be more excited if a guy came like a whole shitload?

01:38:37.000 Like, wow, he's so excited.

01:38:38.000 Like, look at all this.

01:38:39.000 And instead of a guy like this, I guess it's pretty good.

01:38:42.000 I'll just drop a loader.

01:38:44.000 Doesn't seem very enthusiastic.

01:38:46.000 Not very complimentary.

01:38:47.000 Oh, I don't think I would take it personally.

01:38:52.000 More!

01:38:52.000 Where's the rest?

01:38:54.000 This is bullshit.

01:38:55.000 You're only that excited?

01:38:57.000 How about I cut you off for a week and see if we can pick up the volume, soldier?

01:39:01.000 Yeah, no, that is not on my mind.

01:39:03.000 Some girls are into that, though.

01:39:04.000 Yeah?

01:39:05.000 Yeah, some girls like big loads.

01:39:06.000 Did you find that, Brian?

01:39:07.000 Yeah, I think they don't like the thick ones.

01:39:11.000 You know, once in a while when you don't have a lot of water, you're drinking a lot, and it's like that.

01:39:14.000 You're so unhealthy, dude.

01:39:16.000 Like, it would just, if you went like this, it would just stay unhealthy.

01:39:19.000 Yeah, like, it's almost like lumpy, like mashed potatoes, or cottage cheesy.

01:39:22.000 Yeah.

01:39:23.000 It's got frozen yogurt loads.

01:39:24.000 See, I love that.

01:39:26.000 Yeah, you like that?

01:39:27.000 It's like grapes.

01:39:28.000 It sticks to the bones like a good soup.

01:39:30.000 Yeah, I want, like, full just clam chowder.

01:39:33.000 Yeah.

01:39:34.000 Yeah, it's funny that some girls actually do like loads.

01:39:38.000 They like to swallow them.

01:39:39.000 I guess it can be fun if it's more, if you're in the mood for that sort of thing.

01:39:43.000 Some girls love it.

01:39:44.000 It's like their favorite thing.

01:39:45.000 Loads in their mouth.

01:39:46.000 It's seasonal for me.

01:39:47.000 Really?

01:39:49.000 Yeah, in the summer, you've had a few Coronas.

01:39:52.000 You can use the salt.

01:39:53.000 Yeah.

01:39:55.000 I can't afford Proactive anymore.

01:39:57.000 You know, they say...

01:39:58.000 Is it good for your skin?

01:40:00.000 Yeah, that's why I look so young, Joe.

01:40:02.000 Guys say that.

01:40:02.000 Fuck you.

01:40:03.000 Guys say that.

01:40:04.000 Yeah.

01:40:05.000 I'm not buying it.

01:40:06.000 I would think soap would probably do just as good a job.

01:40:08.000 I'll just get some Oil of Olay and respect myself.

01:40:10.000 Oil of Olay?

01:40:11.000 Is that shit real?

01:40:13.000 Oil of Olay?

01:40:13.000 Yeah, that's legit.

01:40:14.000 Is it?

01:40:15.000 Yeah.

01:40:15.000 Still around?

01:40:16.000 Yeah, that's what I use.

01:40:17.000 Oil of Olay.

01:40:18.000 Isn't that supposed to keep women young forever?

01:40:21.000 I mean, look at me.

01:40:22.000 I'm 50. I got something better that you should try.

01:40:25.000 We'll talk about it.

01:40:25.000 I don't think so, Brian.

01:40:26.000 Do you guys remember the Solo Flex woman?

01:40:28.000 There was like a 50-year-old lady.

01:40:30.000 Yes, yes.

01:40:30.000 Do you remember?

01:40:31.000 That bitch was hot.

01:40:32.000 And she was like 50. And she's on Cougar Life now.

01:40:34.000 Is she?

01:40:35.000 Probably.

01:40:36.000 Do you think she's still rocking it?

01:40:37.000 When you're 50 in like 2003, that's a long time ago, man.

01:40:40.000 That is.

01:40:41.000 Things have changed.

01:40:41.000 Back then you were hot, but the wall is near.

01:40:44.000 Time keeps ticking.

01:40:45.000 There's not much you can do about that.

01:40:47.000 You know?

01:40:48.000 Oh, God.

01:40:49.000 Aging as a woman just seems like so awful.

01:40:50.000 It's a motherfucker for everybody.

01:40:52.000 It's going to happen.

01:40:53.000 How old are you?

01:40:54.000 30. There's no getting around it either.

01:40:56.000 You've got five more years until you hit the wall.

01:40:57.000 You think?

01:40:57.000 Thank you.

01:40:59.000 That's so nice.

01:40:59.000 You can hold it off a little bit if you stay in shape.

01:41:02.000 Hold it off a little bit.

01:41:03.000 I run.

01:41:04.000 I think that keeps people young.

01:41:05.000 For sure.

01:41:06.000 Yeah, but your knees are going to get jacked.

01:41:07.000 Do you run on the concrete or are you running on...

01:41:09.000 No.

01:41:09.000 I run either on the treadmill or a dirt thing.

01:41:11.000 Oh, that's good.

01:41:12.000 Yeah.

01:41:12.000 And I ice my stuff.

01:41:13.000 I roll them.

01:41:14.000 You should sleep in oxygen.

01:41:15.000 Do you run on your toes?

01:41:16.000 You know, they say like those toe shoes.

01:41:18.000 That's really the way to run.

01:41:19.000 Yeah, but then I'll be a douchebag.

01:41:20.000 I hate people.

01:41:22.000 Do you have those shoes?

01:41:23.000 I have them, yeah.

01:41:24.000 That's hilarious.

01:41:25.000 I don't wear them except to work out.

01:41:27.000 I wear them when I work out.

01:41:28.000 I wear them when I kick the bag sometimes if it's cold outside.

01:41:30.000 Really?

01:41:31.000 They're like little piglets.

01:41:32.000 My gym is in my garage, and sometimes it's like, if it's 40 degrees out, I'm working out at 40 degrees.

01:41:36.000 It's hard to kick a leather bag with your bare foot.

01:41:39.000 Yeah, but you're like a serious fitness dude.

01:41:41.000 When I see people running around Central Park in those footies, and I'm just like...

01:41:47.000 Is it helping you that much?

01:41:49.000 What it is is the way people run is an unnatural way.

01:41:53.000 The way people run where you go heel and then down to your toes.

01:41:57.000 That's not how you run if you were running out barefoot in the world.

01:42:00.000 You would run and you would use the natural design of your foot as a shock absorber.

01:42:06.000 And that's what people do.

01:42:07.000 Instead of drop down on your heel because you have a big pad there.

01:42:10.000 Because a shoe company has put an artificial pad in the back of your heel.

01:42:13.000 heel the the literally change the way people run yeah but don't we offer that before that people would have to run and the naturally to do is to land on a ball your foot and you if you look at the design of the foot your foot bands and gives you land on the toe in the ball the foot and then it gives and what these shoes and any any barefoot like exercise program I lift weights barefoot, and I'll do a lot of different things, different exercises barefoot.

01:42:40.000 And the idea behind it is that that's a natural way for your body to carry stress and to move things around, and that if you run on the ball of your foot like that, it actually saves your body all the damage that a lot of people get from the pounding of knees.

01:42:55.000 So that's why the toe.

01:42:56.000 Wouldn't the natural way not be on concrete, though?

01:42:59.000 Yes, you're absolutely right.

01:43:00.000 Concrete is bad, period, for anybody, any way you run.

01:43:05.000 It's hard.

01:43:06.000 It doesn't give.

01:43:07.000 Nice dirt, like if you're on a nice dirt hill, you know, when you hit that thing, it compacts a little, compacts a little.

01:43:13.000 There's a nice dirt hill near a house that I used to run until there was three fucking mountain lion sightings in my neighborhood.

01:43:19.000 You're changing up the routine.

01:43:20.000 I'm not running this hill anymore.

01:43:22.000 No.

01:43:22.000 But it was a nice, steep dirt hill, and you could feel it give as you ran into it.

01:43:27.000 But isn't it bad to run in the sand?

01:43:29.000 No, no.

01:43:30.000 Running in the sand is fantastic for you.

01:43:31.000 Really?

01:43:32.000 Yeah, I mean, you've got to build your body up.

01:43:33.000 I wouldn't recommend it to someone who's not in shape.

01:43:35.000 No, I loved running on the beach and then, like, barefoot.

01:43:37.000 But then I heard, like, that's not...

01:43:38.000 Nothing wrong with that.

01:43:39.000 Who told you there's anything wrong with that?

01:43:41.000 Sand is great.

01:43:41.000 Oh, no.

01:43:42.000 I listen to every piece of advice.

01:43:44.000 I'm going to probably go get those shoes.

01:43:46.000 Running on the sand is hard.

01:43:47.000 It's hard to run.

01:43:48.000 I mean, as long as you don't step on something.

01:43:50.000 But, you know, if you step on something, you're fucked.

01:43:52.000 Broken bottles and shit.

01:43:53.000 I mean, if you trust the beach...

01:43:55.000 But if you're running barefoot in the sand, that's really good for you.

01:43:58.000 That's good.

01:43:58.000 Yeah, so is running sand dunes.

01:44:00.000 That's fucking incredibly good for you.

01:44:02.000 You know what makes me insane?

01:44:03.000 I'm always in hotels, of course, and in hotel gyms.

01:44:06.000 When people just come in to just check it out, don't you always see couples?

01:44:10.000 They'll come down.

01:44:12.000 It's a gym.

01:44:14.000 You can tell how nice a hotel is.

01:44:17.000 You're going to know how nice a gym is.

01:44:18.000 I don't know why.

01:44:20.000 It just makes me so mad.

01:44:21.000 Wow, you don't like being looked at while you're looking at it.

01:44:23.000 No, I love being looked at.

01:44:25.000 Is that what it is?

01:44:25.000 They just come in, they don't commit, they don't sit.

01:44:27.000 You're like, alright, someone's going to flirt with me while we train together.

01:44:30.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:44:32.000 You know, that's the cool thing about these mirrors.

01:44:33.000 They're in the corners.

01:44:34.000 You can just look one way.

01:44:35.000 They don't even know if you're looking at that.

01:44:37.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:44:37.000 I'm like, can we get some mirrors on the ceilings in here?

01:44:40.000 Or you laugh inappropriately at like an episode of Friends.

01:44:44.000 So he has to say, what is so funny?

01:44:46.000 Oh my god, I forgot how funny Friends was.

01:44:49.000 Oh, it's one of my favorite shows.

01:44:50.000 Is this how I flirt?

01:44:51.000 Is this how I meet someone?

01:44:54.000 You would be the worst dating coach.

01:44:56.000 You would be the worst wingman of all time.

01:44:58.000 Listen, I'm just creating scenarios.

01:45:01.000 These scenarios are terrible.

01:45:02.000 Coming up with answers.

01:45:03.000 Dudes have questions.

01:45:05.000 You know, Amy Schumer's at the gym.

01:45:06.000 How am I going to make this happen?

01:45:08.000 Yeah.

01:45:08.000 Yeah, by laughing loudly at friends.

01:45:10.000 Yeah, really, really loud.

01:45:11.000 That'll make an impact.

01:45:12.000 I would say the girl would be the one who laughs really loudly.

01:45:14.000 And see, you're upset that the people come in where they just look because they're not going to play your game.

01:45:19.000 They don't look at me.

01:45:19.000 You feel like this is another person.

01:45:21.000 This is a new player has entered the game.

01:45:24.000 You know, when you're at the gym and you're on your little elliptical machine and you listen to your Donna Summer's music...

01:45:29.000 None of this happens.

01:45:31.000 You're thinking of, like, your mom.

01:45:32.000 Like, this is so...

01:45:36.000 I'm picturing you with a purple iPod Nano.

01:45:39.000 No, not even a Nano.

01:45:41.000 What's the one with the clip on?

01:45:43.000 Let's just take it back to a Walkman.

01:45:44.000 How about I have a Walkman?

01:45:46.000 And I have a perm.

01:45:48.000 Shuffle.

01:45:49.000 Leg warmers.

01:45:49.000 A headband.

01:45:51.000 You have no shoes on because they haven't invented shoes yet.

01:45:54.000 You just aged me 30 years.

01:45:56.000 You're eating my heart.

01:45:59.000 No.

01:45:59.000 And you get upset, you look up and it's some people just looking at the gym.

01:46:02.000 No.

01:46:02.000 You have me all wrong at the gym.

01:46:04.000 Whoa.

01:46:04.000 You have me all wrong at the gym.

01:46:05.000 What is your mindset when you go to the gym?

01:46:07.000 What's the thought process?

01:46:10.000 I listen to Biggie and Odd Future, and I listen to bad shit, and I run like I'm angry.

01:46:17.000 You're angry.

01:46:18.000 Uh-huh.

01:46:19.000 What do you think about when you're really pushing yourself?

01:46:21.000 Do you think about the ex-boyfriend with the knife running through the apartment complex?

01:46:24.000 I should.

01:46:25.000 I think about you, and then I pause the treadmill so I can come, and then I get back on, and I just push through.

01:46:33.000 And she realizes that she is orgasmed.

01:46:35.000 Yeah.

01:46:36.000 Without even knowing it.

01:46:37.000 Did you realize that a lot of women are admitting now that there was a study done on it that a lot of women are achieving orgasm during strenuous exercise?

01:46:46.000 What?

01:46:47.000 That sounds great.

01:46:49.000 What are they doing?

01:46:52.000 I'll Google it here.

01:46:53.000 Study shows...

01:46:54.000 Just put those little balls in there and it worked out.

01:46:56.000 I was so sick in the hospital.

01:46:57.000 I haven't masturbated in like a week.

01:46:59.000 Really?

01:46:59.000 Yeah, I forgot about it.

01:47:01.000 That's how sick I was.

01:47:02.000 Have you ever mutually masturbated with another guy?

01:47:05.000 That's so stupid.

01:47:06.000 Why not just fuck?

01:47:07.000 I guess because when you're together a long time, you're trying to make things fun.

01:47:10.000 Women have orgasms at the gym study shows.

01:47:13.000 Wow.

01:47:14.000 Yeah, that's really true.

01:47:14.000 What are they doing at the gym?

01:47:18.000 Findings add qualitative and quantitative data to a field that has been largely unstudied.

01:47:25.000 A field.

01:47:26.000 Yes.

01:47:27.000 What really makes the vagina go pop, pop, pop?

01:47:30.000 That's my field!

01:47:31.000 That's my field.

01:47:31.000 I'm in the orgasm field.

01:47:33.000 A field.

01:47:34.000 Has women's orgasms been a field?

01:47:37.000 Largely unstudied, according to researcher Debbie.

01:47:40.000 Oh, Debbie, you silly bitch.

01:47:41.000 Debbie.

01:47:42.000 Debbie probably loves pussy.

01:47:42.000 Always thinking about her clit.

01:47:43.000 Debbie probably loves pussy.

01:47:45.000 Clit dab.

01:47:46.000 All day.

01:47:47.000 Debbie probably has a flashlight, and she, like, licks it while she's sitting there.

01:47:50.000 Oh, no.

01:47:52.000 Pussy.

01:47:52.000 This is so awesome.

01:47:53.000 This is my field.

01:47:54.000 I'm doing research on my field.

01:47:55.000 Debbie's in the field, you guys.

01:47:57.000 You can't talk.

01:47:57.000 Debbie, you're awesome.

01:47:58.000 Thank you for your work.

01:47:59.000 Co-director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University.

01:48:03.000 For instance, Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues first reported the phenomenon in 1953, saying about 5% of women they had interviewed mentioned orgasm linked to physical exercise.

01:48:13.000 Wow, that's fucking awesome for those five chicks.

01:48:16.000 What is this, Brian?

01:48:18.000 The report of so-called coregasms, named because of their seeming link to exercises for core abdominal muscles, have circulated in the media for years according to the researchers.

01:48:28.000 So apparently it's working your core.

01:48:30.000 So getting on the knees and tightening up the pussy, that shit's real.

01:48:34.000 Yeah.

01:48:34.000 What you want to do is you get on your knees, okay, and then I want you to rock your ass back to your heels and then pull yourself up with your abs while you're squeezing your pussy.

01:48:43.000 Why don't I just rub my clit?

01:48:47.000 Like why all the work?

01:48:49.000 Because you can do this while you're at work and no one even knows.

01:48:52.000 You can do it while you're performing some exercise and you get some good rock solid abs.

01:48:56.000 Try it right now.

01:48:57.000 See if it works.

01:48:58.000 Of the women who had orgasms during exercise...

01:49:01.000 45% said their first experience was linked to abdominal exercises.

01:49:05.000 45%, 19% due to biking and spinning.

01:49:08.000 9.3%.

01:49:09.000 Well, that's why Mrs. Rogan likes the spinning.

01:49:11.000 Uh-oh.

01:49:12.000 I could see spinning.

01:49:14.000 I've gotten excited on a bicycle.

01:49:15.000 9.3% linked to climbing poles or ropes.

01:49:17.000 My stomach is still out from all the saline solution.

01:49:20.000 7% reported a connection with weightlifting.

01:49:22.000 What is the saline solution?

01:49:23.000 They had a pump in your...

01:49:24.000 Because I was so dehydrated.

01:49:26.000 Yeah, they pumped five big IV bags in...

01:49:30.000 So I feel like okay now, but I still have all the water weight.

01:49:34.000 Now when you were really sick, did you try to drink water or was it dehydration from throwing up?

01:49:39.000 I tried, but I threw it up.

01:49:40.000 I threw up on somebody giving me x-rays in the hospital.

01:49:44.000 It was bad.

01:49:46.000 It was really, really bad.

01:49:48.000 So what did you call the place that gave you the crab cake in Phoenix?

01:49:53.000 Well, it was at my hotel.

01:49:56.000 But their insurance is paying whatever my insurance is.

01:49:58.000 Really?

01:49:59.000 So they've admitted that it's their fault?

01:50:00.000 I had two meals that day and they were both at my hotel.

01:50:04.000 Oh, wow.

01:50:05.000 There's no question.

01:50:06.000 No ifs, ands, or buts.

01:50:07.000 Yeah.

01:50:07.000 Wow.

01:50:08.000 I was there working.

01:50:09.000 I'd done press all morning.

01:50:10.000 I didn't drink or anything like that.

01:50:12.000 I ate clams.

01:50:13.000 They're being cool about it.

01:50:14.000 I ate clams in Illinois, in Manteno, Illinois, and kind of fucking horribly sick ones.

01:50:20.000 That night, like five, six hours later, it just started to hit me.

01:50:24.000 The cramping was the worst.

01:50:26.000 Yeah.

01:50:26.000 How long did it take before it kicked in?

01:50:29.000 Maybe an hour and a half.

01:50:30.000 After you ate it, only an hour and a half?

01:50:32.000 Yeah.

01:50:33.000 Really?

01:50:33.000 Mm-hmm.

01:50:33.000 Wow, that's incredible.

01:50:35.000 That must be really bad.

01:50:36.000 They say it takes hours, usually.

01:50:38.000 Sometimes it does, but I had the same thing happen to me.

01:50:40.000 Really?

01:50:41.000 Like, about two months ago, where I was driving home, I was like, I'm going to shit myself right now.

01:50:46.000 Oh, just bubbling inside of you?

01:50:48.000 Yeah.

01:50:49.000 It was bad.

01:50:50.000 It hit, like, a little, like, an hour and a half, two hours, and then it really hit.

01:50:54.000 The worst one ever got me was from a mushroom pizza.

01:50:57.000 I was in Providence, Rhode Island at a comedy club and I ordered a mushroom pizza, one of those frozen pizzas.

01:51:03.000 Yeah.

01:51:03.000 Holy shit.

01:51:04.000 That was the only thing I ate and holy shit that crippled me.

01:51:08.000 What do you think it was?

01:51:08.000 The mushrooms.

01:51:09.000 The mushrooms.

01:51:10.000 Especially, it's very possible that in these places like they dehydrate things or rather defrost things and then refreeze them.

01:51:18.000 Oh, and that's really bad.

01:51:19.000 Really bad.

01:51:20.000 Can you eat mushroom pizza now?

01:51:21.000 Yeah, sure.

01:51:22.000 You can?

01:51:23.000 I don't think, I can't imagine ever, I couldn't even say the word crab cake until today.

01:51:27.000 Well, I threw up when I was a kid to some Jack Daniels.

01:51:30.000 I was like 14. Me too!

01:51:32.000 That was my first puking from booze.

01:51:34.000 Yeah, I threw up in a cab.

01:51:35.000 I threw up on the street.

01:51:38.000 How much did you drink?

01:51:38.000 I don't remember.

01:51:39.000 It was a lot though.

01:51:40.000 Yeah.

01:51:40.000 You were throwing up while having sex?

01:51:42.000 Have I? No.

01:51:44.000 Or have you been with a girl that threw up while having sex?

01:51:46.000 Pretty close.

01:51:47.000 Like we were about to get it on and then she started throwing up.

01:51:50.000 Oh my god.

01:51:51.000 Yeah, I've had that.

01:51:53.000 I had...

01:51:55.000 Just jerk off in her mouth.

01:51:57.000 Just hold her down.

01:51:58.000 Grab her hair.

01:51:59.000 She tries to fight.

01:51:59.000 It's for her skin.

01:52:00.000 It's not because you wanted to have an orgasm.

01:52:01.000 You get to pin down the left arm with your shin, the right arm.

01:52:05.000 How horrible.

01:52:07.000 Holy shit.

01:52:08.000 That's your move.

01:52:09.000 That's Games of Thrones style.

01:52:10.000 That is...

01:52:11.000 That's the one thing you see about all the raping and pillaging going on back then.

01:52:15.000 It's the best.

01:52:16.000 That's really how people lived.

01:52:18.000 They just took whatever they wanted.

01:52:20.000 You really had to put out...

01:52:22.000 Yeah, there wasn't a lot of arguing with barbarians.

01:52:25.000 There was no like, oh, let's wait.

01:52:27.000 Like, let's wait a month.

01:52:28.000 It was like, um, get on your knees.

01:52:30.000 Do you find yourself not attractive to a man if he is, uh, if he's like struggling, or if he's like, he doesn't have his shit together, or if he makes less money than you, or is less successful than you?

01:52:41.000 No.

01:52:41.000 Oh my god, I am like blue-collar fever.

01:52:44.000 I've never dated anyone with money.

01:52:46.000 I like dudes like...

01:52:48.000 Yeah, but I mean...

01:52:48.000 I like the Marlon Brando streetcar.

01:52:50.000 Oh, you're like a poet with no money?

01:52:52.000 Yeah.

01:52:53.000 Really?

01:52:53.000 Yeah, I like...

01:52:54.000 Yeah, I'm easy.

01:52:55.000 I want a guy that's smart.

01:52:58.000 And, yeah.

01:53:00.000 So you wouldn't mind if you've got a guy and he understands that your job is to be smart and nice and know how to fuck me.

01:53:06.000 Yeah.

01:53:07.000 And then we can get married.

01:53:07.000 And then you guys could go on the road together and he could just like, what, read books?

01:53:11.000 No, I don't.

01:53:12.000 I need a lot of alone time.

01:53:13.000 Oh, well, I didn't know he was going to be eating my pussy all that much.

01:53:15.000 Yeah, he can come.

01:53:16.000 He can come.

01:53:17.000 I'll be at Denver.

01:53:19.000 No, I, yeah.

01:53:21.000 What's your ideal guy?

01:53:23.000 I don't know.

01:53:24.000 I hope I have not met anybody like whoever he is yet.

01:53:28.000 But yeah, I think I want like a simple ass, like smart, confident dude that's easy.

01:53:34.000 With no job or should he have a job?

01:53:36.000 Like a job would be nice, but I don't...

01:53:39.000 But he doesn't have to have one for you.

01:53:41.000 Well, like, I want him to...

01:53:42.000 He could be, like, something weird, like a sculptor or something.

01:53:46.000 Like, I don't need him to have, like, a great job.

01:53:48.000 Well, listen, there's a lot of sculptors in Vegas.

01:53:51.000 For real.

01:53:52.000 No, I really don't want to date a sculptor.

01:53:53.000 That was a bad joke.

01:53:54.000 Well, those guys that have to work on, like, the Venetian.

01:53:56.000 Stop sculpting.

01:53:57.000 Get a job.

01:53:58.000 Really?

01:53:58.000 Oh my god.

01:54:00.000 No, I don't know.

01:54:01.000 Sculptors all over the world right now just lost hope.

01:54:03.000 Oh, man.

01:54:03.000 I really don't think I would ever date a guy in finance or something like that.

01:54:07.000 Like some suit wearing.

01:54:08.000 I don't think I would date a guy that wore a suit.

01:54:10.000 Too scary?

01:54:11.000 Or too boring?

01:54:12.000 Like all those.

01:54:13.000 Evil, scary, boring.

01:54:15.000 I can't relate.

01:54:15.000 Those guys aren't, most of them are normal guys.

01:54:18.000 The suits?

01:54:18.000 One of my best friends is an accountant, and he's fucking crazy.

01:54:22.000 Maybe I'll wind up with that accountant.

01:54:23.000 Behind all that, he's crazy.

01:54:23.000 He's just stuck buttoned down all day, but, you know, he loves, like, when I talk to him on the phone, he's crazy.

01:54:29.000 He's a regular dude, but he just has a job.

01:54:31.000 And he's good at it, so he gets paid well.

01:54:34.000 So, you know, that's what he does.

01:54:36.000 You like cats and dogs?

01:54:37.000 I like dogs.

01:54:40.000 Do you hate cats?

01:54:41.000 Kind of.

01:54:42.000 What the fuck kind of questions are these, Brian?

01:54:44.000 You always bring something down to a six-year-old level.

01:54:46.000 I'm writing out her profile for her.

01:54:48.000 Oh, stop.

01:54:48.000 What's your favorite color?

01:54:50.000 No, I'm good.

01:54:51.000 Please tell me the truth.

01:54:52.000 I need to know.

01:54:54.000 We start playing M.A.S.H. I think I don't know what I want.

01:54:58.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:54:59.000 Are men intimidated by the fact that you're a comedian ever?

01:55:02.000 I would assume so.

01:55:03.000 Yeah.

01:55:04.000 I don't know.

01:55:04.000 They don't want to start talking shit.

01:55:06.000 Yeah.

01:55:07.000 They've seen you at roasts with Mike Tyson.

01:55:10.000 You went head-to-head with Mike Tyson.

01:55:11.000 Yeah, I'm not going to be scared of some firemen from Hoboken.

01:55:15.000 Yeah, is that what you're looking for?

01:55:17.000 Firemen from Hoboken.

01:55:17.000 That's what I want.

01:55:18.000 Just like a Patrick Swayze type dude in a movie from the 1980s.

01:55:22.000 Talk slower.

01:55:23.000 Yeah.

01:55:23.000 Yeah, take your pants off.

01:55:24.000 I don't know what I want.

01:55:25.000 I have no idea.

01:55:26.000 Well, we're not trying to marry you off, right?

01:55:28.000 We just went down that road and we stuck with it for no reason.

01:55:32.000 Yeah.

01:55:33.000 Trying to get some entertainment out of it.

01:55:34.000 So here's the podcast.

01:55:34.000 Sorry, you guys.

01:55:35.000 I was supposed to make it funny and I'm like really telling you.

01:55:37.000 No, you're doing great.

01:55:38.000 Here's the podcast.

01:55:39.000 She goes on a date.

01:55:40.000 Every episode's a different date that we hook you up with.

01:55:42.000 It's a good way to get her killed.

01:55:43.000 Yeah.

01:55:44.000 Yeah, you guys are going to be murdered in one week.

01:55:46.000 Yeah, you can't trust men.

01:55:47.000 Too many dudes are creepy.

01:55:48.000 It would be nice if we could trust them, but we can't really send you out.

01:55:50.000 No, it's all people we know, though, or something.

01:55:52.000 Come on, man.

01:55:53.000 How many dudes do you know?

01:55:54.000 You guys aren't setting me up.

01:55:55.000 I really, truly don't trust you guys.

01:55:57.000 No.

01:55:58.000 Exactly.

01:55:59.000 I have a lot of black friends.

01:56:00.000 It's fine.

01:56:01.000 I've never been with a black guy.

01:56:02.000 He's got a lot of black and lesbian friends, so he's got whatever you need that's going to shock your parents.

01:56:07.000 I'm going to Asian girls.

01:56:08.000 Asian girls.

01:56:10.000 That's what I want.

01:56:11.000 So there's this thing that happened today that I don't totally completely understand, but it's some new Obama jobs act that he just signed, and Matt Taibbi wrote this blog about how fucking terrible it is.

01:56:24.000 What's the act?

01:56:25.000 I don't completely understand it, but the way it's been explained to me is that it essentially almost legalizes fraud.

01:56:32.000 The idea is that it used to be that if you wanted to take a company public, you had to file all sorts of paperwork and hire an accountant and have all these financial statements in place, but now they say you don't need to hire an accountant before the company is taken public, nor do you need to do so for five years after the company goes public.

01:56:50.000 So it's almost like you can Fucking lie about your financial statements for five years without any independent accounting of your claims.

01:56:58.000 I don't totally completely understand it.

01:57:01.000 I'm reading Matt Taibbi's getting money and lying.

01:57:05.000 And when things go public, manipulating the stock market.

01:57:08.000 I don't understand what the pros are of this thing.

01:57:14.000 See, when they sign an act...

01:57:17.000 There's usually a lot of shit in there.

01:57:19.000 It's not just one statement.

01:57:21.000 Right, but people pull out the one thing and that's...

01:57:24.000 They put things in like this that make it easier for certain businesses or make it easier for certain special interest groups that, you know, it's like, we'll give you this, but you've got to give us that.

01:57:35.000 So I don't know what the positive benefit of this Jobs Act is.

01:57:40.000 We've got to find out.

01:57:41.000 But according to...

01:57:43.000 Matt Taibbi.

01:57:45.000 It's really crazy.

01:57:46.000 It's really strange.

01:57:47.000 He equates it.

01:57:48.000 He says it's like formally eliminating steroid testing for the first five years of a baseball player's career.

01:57:53.000 You can pretty much bet that you're going to see a lot of home runs in those first few years after you institute a rule like that.

01:57:58.000 But you better be ready to stick a lot of asterisks in the record books 10 or 15 years down the line.

01:58:03.000 Which is a great analogy.

01:58:05.000 If this is correct, if you really don't have to have the proper accounting for a company to go public for the first five years, that's like...

01:58:13.000 This is craziness.

01:58:15.000 It's like they keep passing more and more laws and they keep doing more and more things to control people and to make it, to limit our ability to defend ourselves against the government.

01:58:26.000 And they keep doing more and more things that allow people to somehow or another siphon money out of the system.

01:58:31.000 And you gotta wonder, where does this end?

01:58:33.000 When do they stop making new bills and start trying to fix this fucking ridiculous government that we have?

01:58:41.000 Well, the foreclosure bill, what we were just talking about with how all those houses foreclosing, Obama just passed that bill.

01:58:48.000 What does that bill state?

01:58:49.000 Like a month ago.

01:58:49.000 What does it do?

01:58:50.000 Is it good?

01:58:51.000 Yeah, I thought it was pretty good.

01:58:53.000 It sounded pretty good.

01:58:54.000 What does it do?

01:58:55.000 There were a bunch of different facets of it, but one of it was like, your house can't be foreclosed on...

01:59:03.000 In the first three years, like if you served in the military.

01:59:06.000 Like just things that you were like, this wasn't already a rule.

01:59:09.000 Yeah, just like helping out.

01:59:13.000 Helping people get a chance.

01:59:15.000 Yeah, so like trying to get their house back.

01:59:17.000 Well, I'm all pro that, but this is terrible.

01:59:19.000 I need to know more about this.

01:59:20.000 I need to know more about this too, but what I'm reading right now is fucking terrifying.

01:59:25.000 I see all these things like the National Defense Authorization Act, all these different rules that are going to allow them to have fucking drones in the sky in the next 20 years.

01:59:35.000 There's going to be 30,000 drones flying through the sky.

01:59:37.000 What's a drone?

01:59:38.000 Flying a machine that can take video and send back real-time data and work on a 4G connection, or by that time, 7 or 8G, whatever the fuck it is.

01:59:49.000 You guys have so much information in here.

01:59:51.000 I think ignorance is bliss.

01:59:52.000 I'm going to keep on being retarded.

01:59:54.000 It's probably a good move.

01:59:54.000 I agree.

01:59:55.000 You've got to find that dude that doesn't have a job who likes to play the cello.

01:59:58.000 I'm cool without a dude right now, you guys.

02:00:00.000 I feel like you guys think I just go home and I'm just like, meh.

02:00:03.000 A dude would have taken care of you with some good dick and you wouldn't have that food poisoning.

02:00:07.000 You think?

02:00:08.000 He would straighten you out.

02:00:08.000 Yeah.

02:00:09.000 You throw up once, get it all out of your system.

02:00:11.000 He pumps you full of some hot lead.

02:00:13.000 Some sweet.

02:00:14.000 Energizes you back up.

02:00:16.000 Can you imagine if loads actually energized you?

02:00:18.000 If women would be mad if you didn't fuck them.

02:00:20.000 I would never fight with a dude again.

02:00:22.000 Yeah, because that's the way you got by.

02:00:25.000 Could you imagine if we needed each other that way?

02:00:27.000 Like, we were like...

02:00:28.000 You know, like, if you hit the brakes on one of those electric cars, it actually recharges the battery.

02:00:33.000 Could you imagine if that's the way humans recharge?

02:00:35.000 We gotta fuck?

02:00:36.000 Like, procreating is not enough for us to stay together.

02:00:38.000 It's gotta be something more appealing.

02:00:40.000 What if we start evolving like that in that direction?

02:00:43.000 You know, they say that people need physical attention.

02:00:45.000 You absolutely need affection from other people.

02:00:48.000 It's like our bodies need it.

02:00:51.000 It desires it at a core level.

02:00:53.000 What if it turns into not just that, but you actually need to fuck?

02:00:57.000 And then if you don't fuck, your body just rots away and dies.

02:01:00.000 And the only way to keep moving is if you have to fuck.

02:01:03.000 You have to fuck each other.

02:01:04.000 What if you're gay?

02:01:05.000 So you'd be mad.

02:01:07.000 I don't know.

02:01:08.000 Gay guys would probably engineer, do some genetic engineering on their loads so that they figured out how a guy can absorb it through his ass.

02:01:15.000 We'd have to time it right.

02:01:16.000 Like, what if a guy had to take a shit?

02:01:17.000 Oh, yeah, you can't.

02:01:18.000 And then he takes a shit and he shits out all the good sperm and then you don't evolve.

02:01:21.000 You really have to figure out the timing on that.

02:01:25.000 Seriously, it's not preposterous to think that we would need each other.

02:01:28.000 I mean, we need each other.

02:01:29.000 I mean, you know how you get addicted to sex, right?

02:01:31.000 If you're in a relationship and you first start having sex.

02:01:33.000 Sure.

02:01:34.000 Especially right in the beginning.

02:01:35.000 Yeah.

02:01:35.000 Don't you feel like addicted?

02:01:36.000 It's all you think about.

02:01:37.000 Exactly.

02:01:38.000 You start thinking about it when you can't wait to get together with each other.

02:01:41.000 Yeah.

02:01:41.000 It's like a total drug.

02:01:42.000 Yeah, it is like a total drug.

02:01:44.000 But that's one of the reasons why people are so angry when people leave them.

02:01:48.000 It's like you're taking my drug away.

02:01:50.000 Yeah.

02:01:50.000 You're taking my thing away.

02:01:51.000 Right.

02:01:52.000 What if it was even more intense than that and it literally got to a point where your body would register very obvious changes whether or not you had sperm inside your body.

02:02:03.000 It's actual withdrawal.

02:02:03.000 Yeah, and whether a guy got rid of it.

02:02:05.000 The guy has to get rid of it.

02:02:06.000 He doesn't get rid of it.

02:02:07.000 He dies.

02:02:08.000 It's burning him up, you know?

02:02:11.000 It's not much different than reality.

02:02:13.000 I would rather die than have sex with anybody I've ever had sex with.

02:02:16.000 Ever in the past?

02:02:17.000 Is there one guy when you look back and go, that one could have worked out better.

02:02:20.000 Maybe I just fucking should have went for that finger in the ass thing.

02:02:24.000 Did what you asked.

02:02:25.000 No, I've always gone for the finger in the ass.

02:02:28.000 But no, yeah, no.

02:02:30.000 Have you ever had a guy ask you to do something creepy and you were like, that's where I gotta go?

02:02:34.000 I don't think I've ever had anybody ask me something that was too creepy that I said no.

02:02:39.000 A girl told me to fuck her cunt once.

02:02:41.000 I was like, whoa.

02:02:42.000 What's the problem?

02:02:43.000 It was just like, whoa.

02:02:45.000 Fuck my cunt.

02:02:46.000 I'm like, is that what you call it?

02:02:48.000 Isn't that what it is?

02:02:49.000 I'm like, no.

02:02:50.000 I mean...

02:02:51.000 Can we change your terminology a little bit?

02:02:53.000 See, I talked about this on ONA, but I was like dirty texting with a guy, and he...

02:03:01.000 And I wrote something like I was going to sit on his face or something.

02:03:06.000 Yeah.

02:03:08.000 Sorry.

02:03:09.000 And he wrote back, like, alright, but like, oral's going to go both ways.

02:03:15.000 And I was just like...

02:03:17.000 What?

02:03:17.000 Is this a negotiation?

02:03:20.000 What a douchebag.

02:03:21.000 I think when it comes to talking shit in the bedroom, it's got to kind of be...

02:03:27.000 Anything goes, unless it's a complete insanity, but if a guy's ever mentioned something I've said while having sex after, I'm like, are you fucking crazy?

02:03:37.000 We do not talk about that.

02:03:40.000 That is a secret.

02:03:41.000 That is a circle of trust that you are...

02:03:44.000 I would never be like, wow, at dinner after you fuck someone, you talk shit, you're like, so...

02:03:51.000 Call me a whore non-stop.

02:03:53.000 You gotta just keep it in there.

02:03:57.000 If something makes you uncomfortable, you have to be like, that's not cool.

02:04:00.000 Don't call me your sister.

02:04:02.000 What do you do if something like that happens?

02:04:03.000 You pull them aside when you're having dinner?

02:04:05.000 Or do you go, can I talk to you for a second?

02:04:07.000 How do you right that ship?

02:04:12.000 I've just broken up with them.

02:04:14.000 Too much work.

02:04:15.000 I had one guy, the sex got too weird.

02:04:17.000 In what way?

02:04:18.000 We needed to watch people.

02:04:20.000 He needed to watch me watch porn.

02:04:23.000 Ooh.

02:04:24.000 And at first it was like, okay.

02:04:25.000 It's pretty hot.

02:04:26.000 It was fun at first.

02:04:27.000 And then it was like...

02:04:28.000 That's all he wanted to do?

02:04:29.000 He wanted to catch me watching porn.

02:04:31.000 Ooh.

02:04:32.000 And then have sex while I watched porn.

02:04:35.000 Whoa.

02:04:36.000 That's kind of hot.

02:04:37.000 It was fun.

02:04:37.000 It is kind of hot.

02:04:38.000 But I don't like the catching you.

02:04:39.000 I just want you to...

02:04:40.000 What if it's like creepy porn?

02:04:41.000 Porn with girls with tits are just way too big and they stretch out and you see the bag every time they flop up and down.

02:04:46.000 Or it's him with his dad.

02:04:48.000 That is...

02:04:48.000 No, it was like pretty normal run-of-the-mill DP. It's hard getting regular normal porn.

02:04:56.000 Everybody wants to throw up and gag and spitting assholes.

02:04:59.000 It's hard finding regular porn these days.

02:05:02.000 Oh, it's easy.

02:05:03.000 It's not too hard.

02:05:03.000 Really?

02:05:04.000 Yeah.

02:05:04.000 I see a lot of gagging.

02:05:06.000 There's a lot of...

02:05:07.000 Well, the websites you go to...

02:05:08.000 When did that become the fucking normal move, you know?

02:05:13.000 Yeah.

02:05:15.000 Every fucking one.

02:05:16.000 Surprise.

02:05:16.000 The girl's mouth isn't even on it.

02:05:18.000 They're not even...

02:05:18.000 They can't really close their mouth because the guy's kind of fucking the back of their throat.

02:05:22.000 I just wish there was a mix of the ending sometimes.

02:05:25.000 It's like, spoiler alert, she's gonna get a load on her face.

02:05:28.000 Oh, don't ruin the ending of this one.

02:05:30.000 They're all the same.

02:05:31.000 Well, sometimes they do what they call cream pies.

02:05:33.000 That's very popular now.

02:05:34.000 What is that?

02:05:35.000 That's like when they show it inside the pussy?

02:05:37.000 Yes, the man orgasms in the girl's pussy and then she squirts it out.

02:05:40.000 Oh, she squirts it out?

02:05:42.000 Yeah, she spreads her lips and it oozes out of her.

02:05:44.000 And there's anal cream pies.

02:05:46.000 Mom cream pies.

02:05:47.000 Yeah, there's oral cream pies.

02:05:49.000 What are you kids these days?

02:05:50.000 I can't keep up.

02:05:51.000 I can't keep up.

02:05:54.000 You gotta be a strong man to date one of those girls.

02:05:57.000 Like, I never watch the end of porn.

02:06:00.000 Yeah, I never get to it.

02:06:01.000 You don't?

02:06:01.000 You know, it's like, I only need the...

02:06:03.000 Do you watch porn by yourself?

02:06:05.000 Yeah.

02:06:05.000 Really?

02:06:06.000 Yeah.

02:06:06.000 Do you watch porn because you're excited by it?

02:06:09.000 Because a lot of girls are not.

02:06:10.000 I am.

02:06:11.000 You are.

02:06:11.000 Yeah.

02:06:12.000 You're a freak.

02:06:12.000 Are you a freak?

02:06:13.000 I don't know.

02:06:14.000 I don't know yet.

02:06:15.000 A little bit.

02:06:15.000 I'm still figuring myself out.

02:06:17.000 A little bit.

02:06:17.000 No, but I didn't like porn when I was younger.

02:06:20.000 I was like...

02:06:21.000 Right.

02:06:21.000 I was living with a boyfriend, and he would watch porn, and I would see that he had left it on the computer, and I would be like, that's cheating on me!

02:06:30.000 And I was young and dumb.

02:06:32.000 And then this poor guy, because now I love porn.

02:06:35.000 Wow.

02:06:36.000 Yeah, no, I watch porn.

02:06:38.000 Have you ever thought about doing, like, the AVN Awards?

02:06:40.000 Like, hosting that?

02:06:42.000 I would love to.

02:06:43.000 I was supposed to host this, like, escort awards this year.

02:06:46.000 For, like, hookers?

02:06:48.000 Yeah.

02:06:48.000 They have an award.

02:06:49.000 Whoa, they have an award show?

02:06:50.000 I think it's just guys, but they have an award show.

02:06:52.000 It was in New York.

02:06:53.000 Wait a minute.

02:06:53.000 Guy escorts?

02:06:54.000 It's male escorts.

02:06:55.000 It must be gay.

02:06:57.000 I don't know.

02:06:58.000 Right before they said, I think they saw my stand-up and fired me.

02:07:03.000 I don't know what it was.

02:07:05.000 I don't know.

02:07:05.000 But they were like, oh, we decided not to have a comic.

02:07:09.000 Well, they probably saw you and thought, this bitch is going to talk about us.

02:07:13.000 She'll be good and For like 10 minutes in her act.

02:07:15.000 You would, for sure, that would be part of your act.

02:07:17.000 I would have.

02:07:17.000 I was so excited.

02:07:18.000 The money wasn't that great.

02:07:19.000 I was like, of course, I'll do it.

02:07:21.000 Wow.

02:07:21.000 They were like, I think they made like a, they tried to insult me with how low the offer was.

02:07:24.000 I was like, nice try.

02:07:25.000 I'm coming.

02:07:27.000 I was like, I'm going to be there.

02:07:28.000 I'm going to bring my sister.

02:07:29.000 So did you wind up doing it or no?

02:07:30.000 No, they said they didn't want a comic.

02:07:32.000 Kind of at the last minute.

02:07:33.000 They changed their mind.

02:07:34.000 They're probably scared of you.

02:07:35.000 I think so.

02:07:37.000 This is before or after the roast?

02:07:39.000 After.

02:07:39.000 Oh, yeah.

02:07:40.000 They were terrified.

02:07:41.000 They probably just didn't sell enough tickets also.

02:07:43.000 Oh, I doubt it.

02:07:43.000 No, it's an annual event.

02:07:45.000 There's an escort.

02:07:46.000 It's just filled with freaks.

02:07:47.000 And probably someone said, do you realize that you're opening up the gates of hell?

02:07:50.000 Do you realize that by exposing our award show to this comedian who gets to go on national television and talk about us...

02:07:57.000 Yeah, they're There must be a lot of confidentiality in those things.

02:07:59.000 Sort of like Paul Lin, sort of angry gay guy?

02:08:01.000 I don't know.

02:08:03.000 I like that whole industry because I really don't judge those people at all.

02:08:06.000 The male hooker industry?

02:08:06.000 Just like sex industry and strippers.

02:08:09.000 The male hooker industry, that's a dark wing of that world.

02:08:12.000 I wonder what those dudes are like.

02:08:15.000 Do you remember when there was a guy who got caught who was a White House press correspondent or White House press reporter?

02:08:21.000 Who got caught what?

02:08:22.000 He got caught.

02:08:23.000 It turned out that he was running a gay porn site.

02:08:25.000 A gay escort site.

02:08:27.000 Like military.

02:08:28.000 A gay military escort site.

02:08:29.000 I don't remember that.

02:08:30.000 That makes sense.

02:08:31.000 I believe his name was Jeff Gannon.

02:08:33.000 And he would lob these really underhand, slow-pitch statement questions to the president, to President Bush at the time.

02:08:43.000 He'd be like, Mr. Bush, Mr. President, when are the Democrats going to get their head out of the sand...

02:08:50.000 And realize, literally, he was a reporter, and people would go, who the fuck is this guy?

02:08:54.000 Bush wanted him in there every time.

02:08:56.000 He was his go-to guy, of course.

02:08:58.000 And he actually stayed at the White House.

02:09:00.000 This guy had slept over at the White House.

02:09:03.000 And it turned out he had some gay military escort website, where it was him lying there, naked, with a towel over his dick, wearing a dog tag.

02:09:16.000 Damn!

02:09:17.000 Yeah, and it was all just about sucking dick as a soldier and taking in military gay sex.

02:09:23.000 The world is so depressing.

02:09:24.000 Whoa, but this guy was in.

02:09:27.000 In the White House.

02:09:27.000 And they don't know what the fuck that was all about.

02:09:31.000 Who was the, you know, was it Ken Starr?

02:09:34.000 I mean, who was it?

02:09:35.000 Which one of those guys was the gay guy?

02:09:38.000 There was another guy that was the mastermind for Bush's campaign.

02:09:42.000 What the fuck is his name?

02:09:44.000 The man behind Bush.

02:09:45.000 I don't know.

02:09:45.000 I just watched J. Edgar and that gay love story was kind of hot.

02:09:49.000 That movie was boring.

02:09:51.000 It was boring but I liked like I don't get turned on by gay dudes having sex with each other but I would have liked to have seen them have sex with each other.

02:09:59.000 You would have liked to have seen those guys?

02:10:00.000 I would love to see Leo and Armie Hammer.

02:10:03.000 Are you serious?

02:10:04.000 Please.

02:10:04.000 I don't care who's bending who over.

02:10:06.000 I'm watching.

02:10:07.000 Are you going to be in town Wednesday?

02:10:08.000 Yeah.

02:10:09.000 Do you want to do the comedy show here at the Ice House?

02:10:12.000 Do I have to drive here again?

02:10:14.000 No, just kidding.

02:10:15.000 Yeah, can I? Yeah.

02:10:17.000 Sure.

02:10:18.000 Nine o'clock.

02:10:19.000 Okay.

02:10:19.000 Carl Rove.

02:10:21.000 Oh, yeah.

02:10:22.000 He's supposed to be super gay.

02:10:23.000 Oh, yeah.

02:10:24.000 Well, no chicks fucking him.

02:10:26.000 I'm just making this up, by the way, Carl.

02:10:27.000 I could be totally wrong.

02:10:28.000 Please don't show me.

02:10:29.000 Carl loves this podcast.

02:10:30.000 I don't know who the fuck it was that was gay.

02:10:32.000 Let's just say that.

02:10:33.000 I have no idea.

02:10:34.000 I'm just totally guessing out of my ass.

02:10:35.000 But whoever it was, somebody knew this guy.

02:10:38.000 And somebody got this guy a gig there.

02:10:39.000 And that guy turned out to be a fucking gay male escort.

02:10:43.000 Just a madam...

02:10:44.000 And it was deep in the White House.

02:10:46.000 It was in there.

02:10:47.000 I guess people back then just thought, wow, the internet's so big.

02:10:51.000 Who's going to find this?

02:10:52.000 Right.

02:10:52.000 They didn't understand search engines.

02:10:55.000 Yeah.

02:10:55.000 Shit.

02:10:56.000 That'll catch up to you if you're in the White House, I guess.

02:10:59.000 Imagine thinking that you're just going to pull that off.

02:11:02.000 Like, you know, gay escort, stay at the White House.

02:11:06.000 No one's gonna know.

02:11:07.000 How are they gonna know?

02:11:07.000 Fuck.

02:11:08.000 Dude, I know that guy.

02:11:09.000 I bet they...

02:11:10.000 Think about the things they pulled off before the internet.

02:11:12.000 Oh, yeah.

02:11:13.000 Oh, my God.

02:11:14.000 Well, they say that Nixon was gay.

02:11:15.000 A guy just wrote a book about Nixon being gay.

02:11:17.000 Nixon being gay?

02:11:17.000 Everybody's gay.

02:11:18.000 And there's a photo of him with this smaller Hispanic man who was with a small dog.

02:11:24.000 You know, which, by the way...

02:11:25.000 What does that have to do with that?

02:11:26.000 If you have a small dog, you're either a bad motherfucker or you might be gay.

02:11:29.000 I mean, back then, in those days...

02:11:31.000 A dude with a tiny dog, that's tough to...

02:11:33.000 Maybe, or maybe, you know, maybe he's a bad motherfucker.

02:11:36.000 Like my friend Mayhem.

02:11:37.000 He's an MMA fighter.

02:11:38.000 He's got a Datsun.

02:11:39.000 In me, I have a Pekingese.

02:11:40.000 Chuck Liddell.

02:11:41.000 When he was the UFC light heavyweight champion, he always had this little chihuahua he took everywhere.

02:11:45.000 But he was such a bad motherfucker, he could totally pull it off.

02:11:48.000 Really?

02:11:48.000 That is also a lot of gay guys walking around with a dog in a purse.

02:11:52.000 I lost mine in a divorce.

02:11:54.000 I'm sorry.

02:11:55.000 I mean, I got mine.

02:11:56.000 I don't like the people in LA with these beautiful dogs.

02:11:58.000 You can just see that they're just using them as an accessory.

02:12:01.000 There's a lot of that.

02:12:02.000 That dog's supposed to represent them.

02:12:04.000 They like the way it looks.

02:12:05.000 And a woman with a dog is not alone.

02:12:07.000 She's busy with my dog.

02:12:09.000 Come on, honey.

02:12:10.000 We gotta go.

02:12:11.000 Sorry.

02:12:11.000 Thank you.

02:12:12.000 We're going.

02:12:13.000 It's always we.

02:12:14.000 Just fucking be an adult.

02:12:17.000 For real, a woman with a dog is two people.

02:12:20.000 It's like she can wee it.

02:12:21.000 Yeah.

02:12:22.000 She can get away.

02:12:23.000 Excuse me, I'm busy.

02:12:24.000 I have to walk my dog.

02:12:25.000 You probably want that into a relationship with someone.

02:12:27.000 You're like, oh good, she's distracted.

02:12:28.000 But up top, that's got to be tough.

02:12:30.000 Into, if you're tired of these boring ass conversations.

02:12:33.000 Yeah.

02:12:33.000 I just want you around to fuck you.

02:12:34.000 Go talk to the dog.

02:12:34.000 Here, go play with your dog.

02:12:35.000 Yeah.

02:12:36.000 Get ready.

02:12:37.000 Walk the dog.

02:12:38.000 Get ready.

02:12:38.000 When I come around to sling dick.

02:12:40.000 Did you call her a cunt?

02:12:41.000 No.

02:12:42.000 Has anybody ever said to you, be ready when I come home and sling dick?

02:12:45.000 No, that sounds good, though.

02:12:46.000 I think I want a guy that will say that.

02:12:48.000 Really?

02:12:49.000 Yeah.

02:12:50.000 Nobody write that to me on Twitter.

02:12:52.000 It's going to have to be a compliment, man.

02:12:53.000 Of course.

02:12:53.000 I'm going to get a hundred slinging dicks.

02:12:57.000 Yeah, it's inevitable now.

02:12:59.000 I'm coming home to sling dick.

02:13:00.000 That's going to be someone's new signature on a message board.

02:13:04.000 That's what happens, though.

02:13:06.000 Like, I'll forget that we said this, and then I'll be in Denver, and some dude will come up after the show and be like, how about we get all slay?

02:13:12.000 And I'll be like, I'm calling the cops on you, you fucking rapist.

02:13:15.000 I wonder how much that really happens.

02:13:17.000 That seems like it would happen a lot.

02:13:19.000 That happens all the time.

02:13:20.000 Yeah.

02:13:20.000 I mean, just since doing it the last time.

02:13:22.000 Do you get a lot of crazy people that tweet you after you did the last one?

02:13:25.000 Yeah.

02:13:26.000 Mostly not crazy.

02:13:27.000 Were people nice to you?

02:13:27.000 People were really nice.

02:13:28.000 Yeah.

02:13:29.000 Well, that's cool.

02:13:29.000 I'm back.

02:13:31.000 Yeah, I'm sensitive, and I'm back.

02:13:33.000 Yeah, no, like, it was nice.

02:13:35.000 And people, like, will come up, and they'll say, like, oh, I'm a fan of Rogan's podcast, and that's how I found you.

02:13:41.000 People like to say how they found you.

02:13:43.000 Yeah.

02:13:43.000 You know?

02:13:44.000 Well, they like to profess that they like something that they hope you like, too.

02:13:49.000 Like, I found you on ONA, and I'll go, oh, I fucking love ONA, and then we're in.

02:13:51.000 Right, and you have that common.

02:13:52.000 You know, ONA Party Rock, you know?

02:13:54.000 Right.

02:13:54.000 Yeah, if somebody likes that, you know that you can kind of connect on other shit.

02:13:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:14:00.000 I mean, it's like if someone's a fan of a particular team, you know, you walk up to a guy and he's wearing a Celtics jacket.

02:14:05.000 Yeah.

02:14:05.000 I fucking love Larry Bird.

02:14:06.000 I like med fans.

02:14:07.000 I'm like, you're a good person.

02:14:09.000 Yeah.

02:14:09.000 Do you think you'd think about dating a professional baseball player or would that be too much pressure?

02:14:13.000 Uh, I don't know.

02:14:15.000 I went out with a couple athletes lately.

02:14:17.000 Yeah?

02:14:17.000 Yeah, it seems like...

02:14:19.000 I don't know.

02:14:20.000 I think they need, like, a cheerleader and, like, I'm busy.

02:14:22.000 Oh, yeah.

02:14:23.000 Especially if they're, like, super driven and concentrating on their goals.

02:14:28.000 Yeah, well, that's cool.

02:14:29.000 I like that.

02:14:30.000 But I don't want them to need me to be, like, standing there, like...

02:14:34.000 Want to come to the game?

02:14:35.000 Yeah.

02:14:36.000 Can you wear team colors?

02:14:37.000 Yeah.

02:14:38.000 I made a dress for you.

02:14:39.000 You know I only win when you wear pink.

02:14:41.000 You fucking bitch.

02:14:43.000 What are you doing wearing magenta?

02:14:44.000 I'm like, I have a show.

02:14:45.000 I have to do radio.

02:14:48.000 Your show's more important than my game.

02:14:50.000 Yes.

02:14:51.000 Whoa.

02:14:52.000 It's not a fucking show.

02:14:53.000 This is a championship game.

02:14:54.000 I don't want to learn the rules of a new sport.

02:14:57.000 Ew.

02:14:57.000 Yeah, what if you had a cricket player?

02:14:59.000 Oh my god.

02:15:00.000 What are you doing out there?

02:15:01.000 That's so funny.

02:15:02.000 You said that.

02:15:02.000 I was talking to a dude.

02:15:03.000 Really?

02:15:04.000 I'm not interested.

02:15:05.000 I don't want to learn about cricket.

02:15:06.000 Who's the English?

02:15:08.000 Australian.

02:15:08.000 Oh, Australia.

02:15:09.000 They play cricket too.

02:15:10.000 And India, I think.

02:15:12.000 And that's it.

02:15:12.000 In St. Lucia, they were all going fucking crazy for cricket.

02:15:15.000 Where exactly is that on the map?

02:15:17.000 It's in the West Indies.

02:15:21.000 How long is that on a plane?

02:15:23.000 It was six from New York.

02:15:25.000 Woo!

02:15:26.000 Yeah.

02:15:26.000 And then we took a helicopter to our hotel.

02:15:29.000 To our couples.

02:15:30.000 Nice.

02:15:31.000 Fucking love chamber.

02:15:32.000 So the thing about those, that area, like if you go down like the Bahamas, Jamaica.

02:15:37.000 Yeah.

02:15:37.000 Or if you go like in the Atlantic, South Atlantic, you gotta worry about storms.

02:15:42.000 Yeah.

02:15:42.000 Yeah, this was not the season, but there's like five months where if you go there, you're just like, I hope I don't die.

02:15:48.000 Yeah, there's five months where there's a lot of tourists that go there because it's less money, and you take some wild chances.

02:15:53.000 They're so aggressive, though, because, like, tourists only come for a couple months, so we did a ton of shit.

02:15:59.000 We, like, hiked this crazy mountain, and we would go to, like, these baths.

02:16:01.000 We did all this stuff, and every time you leave the hotel, they're, like, just trying to sell you a fucking necklace, and you're like, no, but they need to come at you that hard.

02:16:10.000 Yeah, that's all they got.

02:16:11.000 Yeah, it's all they have.

02:16:12.000 And the guys that hit on you there, like...

02:16:14.000 That's a whole other ballgame.

02:16:16.000 They're so aggressive, and they're hoping that you either have white guilt or that you're scared of black people, and I'm neither, so I was just like, please.

02:16:23.000 What do they do?

02:16:24.000 They just come at you, and they just dance.

02:16:27.000 They're going to be mad at you if you don't...

02:16:30.000 Give me an example.

02:16:31.000 What's the accent like?

02:16:33.000 Oh, like, I can't, I have no idea.

02:16:36.000 Is it like Jamaican?

02:16:37.000 Sort of Jamaican?

02:16:37.000 Oh, your dialect coach keeps chiming in.

02:16:41.000 He's so authentic.

02:16:43.000 Flawless intonations.

02:16:44.000 It's authentic 12-year-old cartoons.

02:16:47.000 Oh my god.

02:16:48.000 I feel like you were made by a computer.

02:16:50.000 Yeah, he doesn't seem real.

02:16:51.000 Dom Irera couldn't figure him out.

02:16:53.000 Dom Irera stood there and goes, where'd you get him?

02:16:55.000 Joe, where'd you get this guy?

02:16:56.000 Where did you find him?

02:16:57.000 Out of all the people in the world.

02:16:59.000 Yeah.

02:17:00.000 What were we just talking about?

02:17:02.000 Like the Islanders there.

02:17:04.000 Islanders.

02:17:04.000 What is their accent?

02:17:04.000 There were some really sweet people though.

02:17:06.000 What does the accent sound like?

02:17:07.000 Is it like a Jamaican sort of thing?

02:17:08.000 It's like a Bahamas type thing.

02:17:09.000 So give me like a black guy comes up to you.

02:17:12.000 What's going on?

02:17:12.000 How does he do it?

02:17:15.000 I don't know.

02:17:16.000 I'm sorry.

02:17:16.000 I'm so not giving you one.

02:17:18.000 He's like ready to play.

02:17:19.000 Hey, man.

02:17:19.000 Would you like to buy some weed?

02:17:20.000 Hey, man.

02:17:21.000 Brian is the black guy.

02:17:22.000 There were Rastas.

02:17:23.000 There were Rastas.

02:17:24.000 What do we do?

02:17:25.000 What's up, baby?

02:17:26.000 How you doing?

02:17:26.000 You want some of this good dick I got right here?

02:17:29.000 That's more like Hispanic.

02:17:30.000 You're doing like the Jew.

02:17:32.000 I'm trying to be a black man on an island.

02:17:34.000 Oh, it's getting closer.

02:17:35.000 You want some more of this good dick right here?

02:17:38.000 That's good.

02:17:38.000 Is that what it is?

02:17:39.000 Yeah.

02:17:39.000 They ought to grab their dicks.

02:17:41.000 They dance in front of you.

02:17:41.000 I didn't see any dick grabbing.

02:17:44.000 Not crotch grabbing like Michael Jackson style?

02:17:46.000 Nothing?

02:17:46.000 Well, a little crotch grabbing.

02:17:48.000 Really?

02:17:48.000 Yeah, I think a little crotch grabbing.

02:17:49.000 How often did this take place during your travels?

02:17:51.000 When we left the hotel.

02:17:52.000 Really?

02:17:53.000 Yeah.

02:17:53.000 But there were some great people.

02:17:56.000 They were great dick grabbers.

02:17:57.000 I'm not like big.

02:17:59.000 No, they were great guys.

02:18:00.000 They're going to hear about this.

02:18:00.000 There were some really sweet guys.

02:18:02.000 The next time you go down there, I heard that shit you said about me.

02:18:04.000 I hope Sandals hears this and then they go fuck themselves.

02:18:07.000 Because I called and before we went, I was like, it's not all couples, right?

02:18:10.000 They were like, no, no, no, no.

02:18:12.000 I was like, okay.

02:18:13.000 Is that how Carnival Cruises is also?

02:18:14.000 Because I would imagine that would be the same.

02:18:16.000 Couples?

02:18:16.000 Yeah.

02:18:17.000 No.

02:18:17.000 I've been on a ton of cruises that aren't couples.

02:18:19.000 How is Sandals all couples?

02:18:20.000 Did you see any families there?

02:18:22.000 Zero.

02:18:22.000 Well, it's no kids allowed.

02:18:24.000 No kids allowed.

02:18:24.000 But it's all couples.

02:18:24.000 How old can the kid be?

02:18:26.000 Can he be 18?

02:18:27.000 No children.

02:18:28.000 Like, you can't bring anything that you made, I don't think.

02:18:30.000 Oh, nothing that you made?

02:18:32.000 Nothing that you made.

02:18:33.000 Probably 18. Probably 18, yeah.

02:18:35.000 But then they can drink down there if it's 18?

02:18:37.000 Yeah.

02:18:37.000 They have crazy drinking laws?

02:18:38.000 It's all exclusive.

02:18:39.000 Yeah, you can drink.

02:18:40.000 You can bring it on the street.

02:18:41.000 It's like New Orleans.

02:18:42.000 New Orleans is amazing like that, isn't it?

02:18:43.000 I love New Orleans.

02:18:44.000 It's my favorite place in America.

02:18:45.000 This is the one place in America that I say you should have to have a passport to go to New Orleans.

02:18:50.000 Yeah.

02:18:50.000 Because this is not America.

02:18:51.000 That place is the best.

02:18:52.000 People walking down the street with beers in their hands right by cops.

02:18:55.000 And the cops are talking to them and everybody's friendly.

02:18:58.000 Such a good vibe down there.

02:18:59.000 If I ever really make money, I want a place there.

02:19:02.000 I wanted to film my comedy special in New Orleans, but I didn't time it right.

02:19:05.000 My timing sucked.

02:19:06.000 But that place is amazing.

02:19:08.000 I love it.

02:19:09.000 So friendly and fun.

02:19:10.000 I did a show there.

02:19:11.000 I did the House of Blues there.

02:19:12.000 It was one of my favorite all-time shows.

02:19:13.000 I saw a show there.

02:19:13.000 What a great place.

02:19:15.000 Everybody's standing.

02:19:16.000 Yeah, it was great.

02:19:17.000 And then we watched some burlesque.

02:19:19.000 What a hustle that is.

02:19:21.000 What a nonsense hustle those burlesque shows are.

02:19:24.000 Isn't it just like fat strippers?

02:19:26.000 Oh, yeah.

02:19:26.000 Well, one of them, it was really weird.

02:19:28.000 Like, there was a guy, like a carnival barker dude comes on.

02:19:31.000 He's got a big handlebar mustache, and he's dressed kind of crazy, like he's from another time.

02:19:36.000 There was a couple people that actually had a pretty dope act.

02:19:39.000 And one of them, there was a guy and a girl, and they had, like, little hula hoops.

02:19:43.000 And the guy would throw the girl up in the air, and she would land on her shoulders.

02:19:48.000 Wow, it was a really great act.

02:19:50.000 And they were like hula hooping together while the girl was on top and the guy was like holding her up with his hands.

02:19:55.000 They knew what the fuck they were doing.

02:19:56.000 They had planned it out.

02:19:57.000 And then the next one was literally an overweight woman who dances.

02:20:02.000 And the guy introduces her saying that beautiful things come in all packages.

02:20:07.000 Literally said this.

02:20:09.000 That's really funny.

02:20:10.000 And she wasn't...

02:20:12.000 It wasn't like disgusting where he had to warn us.

02:20:15.000 But Scores is not hiring her.

02:20:16.000 Yeah, no.

02:20:16.000 Scores is not hiring her.

02:20:17.000 And so she gets up there and she's got this bright smile on her face.

02:20:20.000 And it's like this weird thing that everyone's dressed from like a period piece.

02:20:24.000 But essentially all she did was stand there and dance.

02:20:27.000 That's the emperor's new clothes.

02:20:28.000 Yeah.

02:20:29.000 It's not all art.

02:20:29.000 She took a little bit of the clothes off at the end.

02:20:32.000 She was kind of in like sort of a bikini type of thing.

02:20:34.000 And then she got off and everybody clapped.

02:20:35.000 And I'm like, fuck, really?

02:20:37.000 I'm like, what is going on here?

02:20:38.000 Why are we pretending like that was exciting?

02:20:40.000 Did you ever see them?

02:20:41.000 It was real weird.

02:20:42.000 And we were complaining.

02:20:42.000 I'm sorry.

02:20:43.000 We were complaining about it and the people around us started getting upset.

02:20:45.000 We had to leave.

02:20:46.000 Oh, really?

02:20:47.000 You guys are complaining.

02:20:48.000 I love that.

02:20:48.000 We were like, there's a man behind that curtain!

02:20:50.000 Yeah.

02:20:51.000 He's pulling the levers!

02:20:52.000 We can see it from here!

02:20:53.000 Exactly.

02:20:54.000 This is not real!

02:20:55.000 I'm glad you said something.

02:20:56.000 Well, we were just like, what is this?

02:20:58.000 Yeah, like, you're just like truth.

02:21:00.000 You're just like, can we not pretend like that was something that should happen again?

02:21:03.000 Well, it was two comics and me.

02:21:06.000 It was me, Duncan, and Felicia Michaels.

02:21:09.000 And Jeff, who was our driver in New Orleans, who was cool as fuck, too.

02:21:13.000 And we were all looking at this going, what the fuck are we watching?

02:21:16.000 What is this?

02:21:17.000 This is nonsense.

02:21:18.000 But that fucking place, the food, the best food anywhere.

02:21:22.000 I went to Amsterdam and we went to a sex show.

02:21:25.000 Oh, shit.

02:21:26.000 Did you see those?

02:21:27.000 Have you seen those?

02:21:28.000 No, tell me what you saw.

02:21:29.000 Well, they were really depressing.

02:21:30.000 It was, like, totally clinical.

02:21:32.000 Really?

02:21:32.000 So it would be, like, there was a DJ. And then, like, a bed would be wheeled out on stage.

02:21:36.000 It would be, like, this French guy.

02:21:38.000 And he's, like, this is Michelle and her lover, Matt.

02:21:43.000 And they kind of, like, both come out in the bed.

02:21:45.000 And then they're, like, they wave.

02:21:47.000 And then they, like, start, like, a second of kind of, like, foreplay that's choreographed.

02:21:53.000 And then they start fucking.

02:21:55.000 Like, he starts fucking her.

02:21:56.000 and the bed's rotating and it's to music and he's banging her to the beat and then uh and then after like three minutes they're like thank you and um and then they turn to the crowd and they wave and the curtain closes and the bed goes and then this girl would come out in between um in between people having sex and like kind of like a burlesque type stripper she's kind of hot like high school friend hot And she didn't really know what she was doing.

02:22:23.000 She danced like she was auditioning for like the Palm Squad.

02:22:26.000 So she'd be in like a bra and underwear and she would just be like, Like, just kind of dancing around.

02:22:33.000 And it was interesting.

02:22:34.000 It was, like, kind of interesting to watch.

02:22:37.000 Yeah.

02:22:37.000 But just nothing was sexy about the whole experience.

02:22:40.000 And then somebody in a gorilla suit comes out with a fake dick and squirts it on the crowd.

02:22:49.000 What?

02:22:49.000 That was the whole show?

02:22:50.000 That was the whole show, but there were a couple people fucked.

02:22:51.000 How long was the whole show?

02:22:52.000 Like, what was the time?

02:22:54.000 I think it was, like, an hour.

02:22:57.000 So the other stuff was just, like, filler?

02:22:59.000 Yeah, filler between people having sex.

02:23:02.000 Wow.

02:23:02.000 But the DJ was pretty funny.

02:23:03.000 They were funny with each other.

02:23:05.000 They were like, thank you.

02:23:05.000 Oh, she's back from her tour.

02:23:08.000 It was all kind of ironic, but there was not a second of anything sensual or exciting.

02:23:15.000 Wow.

02:23:16.000 I wonder if they do that on purpose.

02:23:18.000 Nobody there would have been...

02:23:19.000 No one was taking their dick out.

02:23:21.000 It was just like...

02:23:22.000 Maybe that's probably exactly what they're doing.

02:23:23.000 They had a show at the Riviera that they used to do called Crazy Girls.

02:23:27.000 It's still there.

02:23:28.000 Is it still there?

02:23:29.000 Oh my god.

02:23:31.000 That...

02:23:31.000 Who's hosting it now?

02:23:33.000 I don't know.

02:23:34.000 Let me see.

02:23:35.000 The Riv is so funny.

02:23:37.000 We were just...

02:23:38.000 I don't stay there, but we were just...

02:23:41.000 In a record store, before I started puking my guts out, listening to old comedy albums, and Toadie Fields had one, and it starts, it's like, live from the Riviera!

02:23:49.000 And me and Jackie were so psyched.

02:23:50.000 And Woody Allen had one.

02:23:51.000 Like, there's a lot of history at that place.

02:23:54.000 But yeah, Crazy Girls is up and running.

02:23:56.000 Dean Martin was the host of...

02:23:58.000 Wow, Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin used to do shows at the Riviera.

02:24:01.000 I stayed in Frank Sinatra's suite once.

02:24:03.000 At the Riviera?

02:24:04.000 My friend Steve Sharippa!

02:24:05.000 Steve Sharippa used to run...

02:24:07.000 Yeah, no, I know.

02:24:08.000 He used to be the booker.

02:24:09.000 Yeah, he...

02:24:10.000 Yeah, it's such a cool old Vegas showroom.

02:24:15.000 Yeah, Steve Sherpa's a great story.

02:24:16.000 I mean, he was a guy who was the talent coordinator at the Riviera, and then all of a sudden he got on Sopranos.

02:24:22.000 Yeah.

02:24:22.000 And then it turned into a real career as an actor.

02:24:25.000 So cool.

02:24:25.000 Writing books and shit.

02:24:26.000 It's nuts.

02:24:26.000 Yeah.

02:24:27.000 It doesn't say here who the host is of Crazy Girls.

02:24:31.000 I'm having a hard time finding it.

02:24:31.000 They're not advertising who the host is at the hotel.

02:24:33.000 Oh, really?

02:24:34.000 It's just like Crazy Girls.

02:24:36.000 It used to be...

02:24:37.000 But what do they do?

02:24:39.000 I've never...

02:24:39.000 I haven't gone in...

02:24:41.000 Uh, well, it's like girls, they sing songs and then they pull their tits out.

02:24:46.000 Oh.

02:24:46.000 And some of them actually have, uh, they actually have, like, good talent.

02:24:51.000 Pretty good tits?

02:24:52.000 Oh, good.

02:24:52.000 Well, they have good tits.

02:24:53.000 But some of them actually have talent.

02:24:54.000 Yeah.

02:24:55.000 And, uh, I watched it once and it was, it was kind of sad.

02:24:57.000 Because this girl, um, was singing, like, um, a Whitney Houston song.

02:25:03.000 Uh, it was like the greatest love of all or something like that.

02:25:05.000 Like right after when you died?

02:25:06.000 No, it was a long time ago.

02:25:08.000 The moment she died.

02:25:09.000 She was psychic.

02:25:10.000 She woke up in the middle of the night.

02:25:12.000 She killed Whitney.

02:25:12.000 Sat up in bed.

02:25:13.000 So great as love.

02:25:15.000 She fucking murdered Whitney.

02:25:17.000 That was a cover, by the way.

02:25:19.000 Whitney did a cover.

02:25:20.000 It might not even have been that song.

02:25:21.000 But whatever song it was.

02:25:22.000 She was singing this song.

02:25:23.000 Very soulful song.

02:25:24.000 And she has her tits out.

02:25:26.000 And I'm like, wow, that's got to be kind of demeaning in a way.

02:25:29.000 It's like really weird.

02:25:30.000 It's like she's singing at the top of her, I mean, she's singing the best of her abilities.

02:25:34.000 She's actually a talented singer, but her tits are out.

02:25:38.000 And she's got sort of like a miniskirt dress on, and her tits are out.

02:25:41.000 And you can tell that she wants to be taken seriously as a singer, but she's singing with her tits out.

02:25:47.000 That's horrible.

02:25:47.000 Horrible.

02:25:48.000 That's really sad.

02:25:49.000 It was weird.

02:25:50.000 It was just weird.

02:25:51.000 Vegas has so much sadness.

02:25:52.000 Yes.

02:25:53.000 Deep sadness.

02:25:54.000 They have those, at the Imperial Palace, they have dealer-tainers.

02:25:58.000 What?

02:25:58.000 Wait, did I cut you off?

02:25:59.000 No.

02:26:00.000 Okay, because you're still doing this with your hands.

02:26:01.000 Oh, I was just holding my hand now.

02:26:03.000 Freaking out.

02:26:03.000 I'm like, oh, is he still talking about her tits?

02:26:05.000 No, freaking out.

02:26:06.000 Yeah, what they have are the dealers are all dressed like celebrities.

02:26:10.000 Oh, no.

02:26:11.000 Dealer-tainers, they call them?

02:26:12.000 Yeah, so your dealer, like, every hour, they'll be like some signal, and they're like, Oh, sorry.

02:26:17.000 And so the guy dressed as Michael Jackson or a girl's Rihanna, and they have to stand on the stage and do an act and sing, and then they come back.

02:26:25.000 And at first, you're like, it's kind of funny, and then it gets so sad so fast.

02:26:29.000 When are we going?

02:26:30.000 Yeah, you're just like, ugh.

02:26:31.000 And then you just want to gamble.

02:26:32.000 You're like, oh, please stop with all the bullshit.

02:26:34.000 Just like, let's do this.

02:26:36.000 Wow.

02:26:36.000 Yeah.

02:26:37.000 Like, who was your guy?

02:26:38.000 We had Michael Jackson.

02:26:39.000 Whoa.

02:26:40.000 And then I think maybe Shania Twain or Miley Cyrus.

02:26:43.000 How much did he actually look like Michael Jackson?

02:26:46.000 He was white.

02:26:51.000 Well, that's a tricky one because you can't hire a black guy to do it.

02:26:54.000 I know.

02:26:55.000 That's real.

02:26:55.000 You've got to go for a mulatto.

02:26:57.000 What do you do?

02:26:57.000 Yeah, there's not a real likeness to any of them.

02:26:59.000 You spend half the time trying to figure out who they are.

02:27:03.000 You're like, is that Bonnie Raitt?

02:27:06.000 What?

02:27:08.000 Is that Boy George?

02:27:09.000 Every now and then I get a little bit low.

02:27:13.000 It's so confusing.

02:27:17.000 It's really tough.

02:27:18.000 Alright, let's bring this fucking ship into the harbor.

02:27:20.000 Amy Schumer, once again, you were hilarious and fun to hang out with.

02:27:24.000 Thanks for having me.

02:27:25.000 And I'm glad we're besties.

02:27:26.000 For life.

02:27:26.000 We're besties.

02:27:28.000 We exchanged messages.

02:27:30.000 You're my emergency contact.

02:27:31.000 Listen, buddy.

02:27:32.000 I'm so happy you came back.

02:27:34.000 People love you.

02:27:34.000 I love you.

02:27:35.000 When are you going to be...

02:27:36.000 What's your tour dates?

02:27:38.000 Where are you going to be next?

02:27:39.000 I'm in Tampa and Denver at the end of April and then the Riviera once a month.

02:27:44.000 When are you in Tampa?

02:27:46.000 Towards the end of April?

02:27:47.000 Yeah, like the 17th.

02:27:47.000 So amyschumer.com and it's Schumer with an S-C-H. S-C-H, yeah.

02:27:53.000 Amy, S-C-H-U-M-E-R. Tweet me.

02:27:55.000 I am still selling tickets for Atlanta.

02:27:59.000 The second show's not sold out yet.

02:28:01.000 So The Tabernacle on April 20th.

02:28:04.000 I'm filming my new special.

02:28:06.000 I'm going to be releasing it online.

02:28:07.000 The first show sold out and I'm fucking pumped to be doing it in Atlanta, man.

02:28:12.000 I haven't been there in two years and I'm super psyched and I'm...

02:28:16.000 Completely geared up for this bitch.

02:28:17.000 And next year, or next week rather, is the final tune-up stage.

02:28:21.000 I'm going to be at the Fort Lauderdale Improv with the one and only Duncan Trussell.

02:28:26.000 So that'll be this up and coming Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

02:28:30.000 It's not next week.

02:28:31.000 It's this next weekend.

02:28:32.000 This weekend coming up.

02:28:34.000 So, this weekend, Fort Lauderdale.

02:28:36.000 Next weekend, on the 20th, is Atlanta.

02:28:40.000 And that's when I'm going to be taping my special the day before the UFC in Atlanta.

02:28:43.000 Which is going to be fucking crazy!

02:28:45.000 Don't be fucking crazy!

02:28:46.000 We have a show here Wednesday night at 9 o'clock at the Ice House.

02:28:49.000 Another wild tune-up show before we escape to Florida.

02:28:53.000 Before the race riot kicks in.

02:28:55.000 Do you hear they're shooting at cop cars down there now?

02:28:57.000 Really?

02:28:57.000 Yeah, that's where that Trayvon Martin shooting happened.

02:28:59.000 Where was it?

02:29:00.000 Florida.

02:29:01.000 What part?

02:29:01.000 Florida's going crazy.

02:29:02.000 Shoot.

02:29:03.000 I don't know what part.

02:29:03.000 I'll have to get back to you with that information.

02:29:05.000 Sorry.

02:29:05.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our program.

02:29:09.000 Please go to JoeRogan.net if you're thinking about masturbating.

02:29:13.000 Go pick up one of those because it's way better than just using your hand.

02:29:16.000 Enter in the code name ROGAN. Save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

02:29:21.000 It's a solid product, ladies and gentlemen.

02:29:23.000 Thank you also to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood.

02:29:30.000 Both Shroom Techs are, well, there's different things.

02:29:34.000 Different things do different things.

02:29:35.000 Some of them are nootropics, other ones are athletic enhancement supplements, and maybe they'd be performance-enhancing drugs.

02:29:42.000 Maybe you could say that.

02:29:43.000 I wonder if they'll be illegal someday.

02:29:45.000 Get them now before the government comes in and takes all the shit that makes you feel better.

02:29:49.000 Everything's a performance-enhancing drug, dude.

02:29:50.000 Even fucking vitamins.

02:29:51.000 Did you know that, Brian?

02:29:52.000 It helps you perform.

02:29:54.000 It's a goddamn performance enhancer.

02:29:56.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for AlphaBrain, and enter in the code name ROGAN, and save yourself 10% off any and all orders.

02:30:05.000 As always, the first order of 30 pills, the bottle of 30 pills, is 100% money-back guarantee if you're not satisfied, if you don't like it.

02:30:12.000 You don't even have to return it.

02:30:13.000 Just tell us that shit sucks, and you get your money.

02:30:16.000 But it won't suck.

02:30:17.000 I use it.

02:30:18.000 The shit is awesome.

02:30:19.000 And you should use it too.

02:30:20.000 Especially if you're jet-lagged or hungover.

02:30:23.000 And I know you are on a regular.

02:30:24.000 But on the reg.

02:30:26.000 You dirty, you crazy dirty bitch.

02:30:27.000 You dirty bitch.

02:30:27.000 Or if you can't cope with altitude.

02:30:30.000 I don't think that's true.

02:30:32.000 I think you've got to eat the actual cordyceps mushroom.

02:30:34.000 I don't know if it actually helps you cope with altitude.

02:30:36.000 I don't want to put in any false statements, Brian.

02:30:38.000 I'm going to have to do the research on that before I confirm or deny.

02:30:40.000 I'm going to eat the flashlight.

02:30:42.000 Altitude sucks, dude.

02:30:43.000 Nothing's going to help you.

02:30:44.000 Altitude's bullshit.

02:30:45.000 It might help you a little.

02:30:48.000 That's the end of this program, goddammit.

02:30:49.000 We'll be back tomorrow with Neil Brennan.

02:30:52.000 It'll be a 4 p.m.

02:30:54.000 Pacific podcast.

02:30:56.000 And then I'll see you dirty bitches in Fort Lauderdale this weekend and Atlanta next weekend.

02:31:01.000 Ice House.

02:31:01.000 The Chronicles.

02:31:02.000 Amy Schumer is going to do something.

02:31:03.000 Oh, Amy Schumer's crazy as fuck.

02:31:05.000 You're going to do the show as well?

02:31:06.000 Yeah.

02:31:06.000 Goddammit, what a fucking show.

02:31:08.000 It's me, Amy Schumer.

02:31:09.000 Who else?

02:31:10.000 Some surprises.

02:31:11.000 A bunch of other surprises.

02:31:13.000 IceHouseComedy.com probably will sell out.

02:31:14.000 A lot of LA comics.

02:31:15.000 There's always the regular crew.

02:31:18.000 I know Joey's got a 10 o'clock show at the Improv.

02:31:20.000 Yeah, he can't do it.

02:31:20.000 He can't do it.

02:31:21.000 Thursday, I'm at the Improv.

02:31:22.000 You dirty bitch.

02:31:24.000 All right, folks.

02:31:24.000 That's it.

02:31:25.000 We'll see you tomorrow.

02:31:26.000 Thank you, as always, for everything.

02:31:27.000 Thanks for all the positive messages and all the love and all the good shit.

02:31:31.000 We're all in this together, you freaks.

02:31:32.000 Let's ride this thing.

02:31:33.000 The fucking boat hits the beach.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 10, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #204 - Amy Schumer

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